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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/33728-8.txt b/33728-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a777e59 --- /dev/null +++ b/33728-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6557 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Believe You Me!, by Nina Wilcox Putnam + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Believe You Me! + +Author: Nina Wilcox Putnam + +Release Date: September 14, 2010 [EBook #33728] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BELIEVE YOU ME! *** + + + + +Produced by the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.fadedpage.net + + + + + + + +BELIEVE YOU ME! + +NINA WILCOX PUTNAM + +AUTHOR OF "ADAM'S GARDEN," "THE IMPOSSIBLE BOY," ETC., ETC. + +NEW YORK + +GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + +COPYRIGHT, 1919, + +BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + +COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY + +PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA + + + + +TO R. J. S. + + + + +CONTENTS + +CHAPTER PAGE + +I Ladies Enlist 11 + +II Pro Bonehead Publico 66 + +III Holy Smokes! 125 + +IV Anything Once 156 + +V Now is the Time 202 + +VI The Glad Hand 244 + + + + +BELIEVE YOU ME! + +I + + + + +LADIES ENLIST + +I + + +I WASN'T going to make no statement about this here affair; and I +wouldn't even yet, only for our publicity man. The day the story leaked +he called me up in the A. M., which is the B. C. of the daytime, and +woke me out of the first perfectly good sleep I'd had since Jim pulled +that stunt and floored me so. + +First off, I wouldn't answer the phone; but Musette stood by me with it +in her hand and just made me. + +"For my sake, mademoiselle!" says she, just like she used to in our act +on the big time, which we played before I got into the dancing game. +"For my sake, mademoiselle," she says, "do not refuse to talk with the +publicity man!" + +Well, when I heard who it was I seen some sense in what she says; so I +set up amid my black-and-white-check bed, which--believe you me--is as +up to date as my latest drawing-room dance. And I grabbed off the phone. + +"Yes," says I in a fainting voice; "this is Miss La Tour. What is it, +please? I'm far from well." + +"Cut out that stuff, Mary!" says a male voice. "This is Roscoe. I want +you to give out a statement about you and Jim splitting up." + +"I _won't!"_ says I, very sharp. "Whatter yer think I am?" I says. +"That's nobody's business but our own!" + +"Oh, ain't it, though?" says Roscoe, very sarcastic. "The biggest +parlor-dancing outfit in America busts up and you can't be seen, even, +for two whole days! The stage at the Royal ain't notified that your +piece is called off; the De-Luxe Hotel don't get no notice that you +ain't going to appear; and all the info' I could get when I called up +your flat is that you was gone out!" + +"And so I was!" says I, indignant. + +"Then I call up Jim's hotel and they say he's gone!" shouted Roscoe. +"Hell!" says he, forgetting that me and the telephone operator both was +ladies. "Hell! What kind of way is that to treat a guy you're paying +three thou. a year to for getting your picture in the paper every time +you sneeze?" + +I didn't have any comeback about that, for there was certainly some +truth in what he says. But I wasn't to be put down so easy. + +"I guess I know my business, Ros," I says, sharp, "or I wouldn't be +living in a swell flat on the Drive, all fixed up like a furniture shop, +with a limousine and two fool dogs, and earned every cent of it myself, +and no one can say a word against me, if I didn't know my own business. +So there!" + +"Looka here, Mary," says Roscoe. "There's going to be a lot of talk up +and down the Rialto if you don't come across with some explanation. I'm +comin' right up to get it." + +"No, you don't," I says, for I hadn't had my facial massage in three +days, and, after all, Roscoe is a man, even if press agents ain't +exactly human. "No, you don't, Ros!" I says. "If I gotter make some +statement, I'll write the dope myself and you can fix it up after--see? +It's a big story, but delicate, and I'm going to have no +misunderstanding over it." + +"All right, Mary," says Ros. "But you get the stuff ready for the +morning papers. I'll be up for it." + +Then he hung up and I knew I had to come across. Besides, Ma come in +just then; and while I may boss my press agent, and even sometimes my +partner and Musette and the two dogs, Ma sorter gets my goat. Ma had on +a elegant rose-silk negligee I give her; and as usual, she had it ruined +by tying a big gingham apron over it, which made her look the size of a +house, but sort of comforting. She stopped by the bed and set both her +hands on her lips--the way she does when she don't mean to be answered +back. + +"Now, Mary Gilligan, you get right up and wash your teeth!" says Ma, +"and do your three handsprings and other exercises, decent and proper; +and then eat the breakfast I got cooked for you." + +Funny thing, but Ma ain't got a mite of dramatic sense. I just can't +understand it, after her having been with the circus so long on the +trapeze, until she got too heavy after I come; and since then in the +wardrobe-end of the theater, and all. I ain't never been able to break +her in to none of the refinements of life, either, and she will go into +the kitchen for all I say; and some day I just know she'll call me +Gilligan in public. And a nice laugh that'll get! + +But, anyhow, I usually do what she says, because Ma is a fine trainer; +and--believe you me--I wouldn't be able to hold on to Jim's neck and +swing out straight twenty times round, like I do--or did--only for her +and her keeping me on the job like she's done. The only other trouble +with Ma is, she can't seem to properly understand that it's my artistic +temperament which has brought in the cash--that and some good looks, and +me realizing that this refined parlor-dancing stuff would go over big. +Of course Jim's being able to wear a dress suit like he'd been born in +it has helped some, even aside from being such a fine partner; which +brings me back, as they say, to the tale. + +Well, I done my exercise, and so forth, and then I had Musette bring up +the sofa, a elegant gilt one--for we got what Ma calls Looie-the-Head-Waiter +stuff in our parlor--to the window, so's I could lay and look dreamily +out over the autos on the Drive to the ships in the river; you know--the +German ships which have been taking out their naturalization papers, or +something. And, as I lay there thinking, I come to the conclusion that +if I told about the split I better tell all, including my own +enlistment. + +Oh, how well I can now understand why many men enlist, having been +through it all myself! And how then they long to get out, and can't, and +realize that they was boobs! And how they learn that they weren't boobs +after all, once they got used to it! Do you get me? + +Well, anyways, I decided to tell the whole story, which, of course, +begun at Ruby Roselle's party. + +I think I don't hardly need to state that I don't generally go with that +Roselle crowd. No acrobatic dancer could and keep her health. +And--believe you me--every drawing-room dance act that is worth a +thousand dollars a week has acrobatics, and good sound acrobatics, as +its base. Well! As far as Ruby Roselle and her crowd is concerned, far +be it from me to pass any remarks. But any one in the theatrical line +will tell you that a girl which has made a reputation only on the color +of her hair and is not averse to tights don't have to lead the rigid +life of a first-class A-1 dancer, leaving out all judgments as to +character, which are usually wrong anyways. + +But, having said that much, I will only add that I have never gone out a +lot, and seldom without Ma. And while champagne is not exactly a +stranger to me, owing to Jim and me always having to have it served with +our dinner at the Ritz each night--which any one with sense knows is all +publicity stuff and we never drink it--still, I'm not in favor of +champagne parties, which they generally end in trouble; and this one of +Ruby's was no exception. + +Indeed, I wouldn't of gone in the first place only for us unfortunately +being on the same bill at the opening of the Superba Roof, which, of +course, being the big midnight show of the year, and the rest of the +leads all having accepted, and Ruby being in so strong with the +management, it would of been bad business policy to refuse. + +When I pointed this out to Jim he couldn't see it at first, owing to me +never having gone on such parties; and nobody can say any different, +with truth. But the Superba contract was the biggest thing we had got +yet. And, coming on top of the twenty minutes in Give Us a Kiss, the +twenty minutes at the De-Luxe Hotel, the net profs. was pretty fair. +So, for once, we accepted an invite to one of Ruby's famous blow-outs. + +Ruby Roselle's house was something wonderful, but not to my taste, there +being too much in it, besides smelling of cologne and incense, which, +from her singing Overseas in red-white-and-blue tights, was more or less +to be expected. Also, the clothes on her and the other girls was too +elaborate. My simple little real lace, and my hair, which Musette always +does so it looks like I done it myself, made them seem like a Hippodrome +production alongside of a play by this foreigner, Ib-sen--do you get me? +I was proud of this; for--believe you me--getting refinement means work, +just like any other achievement, and I had modeled myself on Mrs. Pieter +van Norden for years, than whom there is surely no one more refined by +reputation, though I had never seen her. I could see Jim felt the same +about all this, and we exchanged a look on it; for, besides being +engaged to be married we was the best of friends when we come in--when +we come in! Remember that! + +After we said "How do ye do?" to Ruby, I whispered to Jim not to +celebrate too much. He ain't a drinking man if for no other reasons but +those of my own; but just oncet in a while he'd get a little more than +he should, and this opening night the show had gone awful big. Had he +but heeded me better! Alas! Nothing doing; it was all in vain! + +For description of party see any motion-picture film on Vice. Why waste +words on what is so well known? And--believe you me--this was just like +a fillum; and, as I have said, nothing like that for mine, usually. But, +even so, we might of got off safe and home without no trouble--only for +Von Hoffman and the baby alligator. + +It seems like this here Von Hoffman was stuck on Ruby; in fact, it was +him that suggested her singing Overseas in that fierce costume. Also, he +gave her the alligator, she having tried to pick on a present he +couldn't possibly get when he wanted to buy her something. But, being +German by descent, he had the efficiency to get it, anyways; and there +was the alligator at the party, about fifteen inches long, with a gold +collar and diamonds in the collar--and we at war! + +Well, it seems this alligator hadn't eat since it come; and after Ruby +had a double Bronx and two glasses of champagne the memory of his +hunger began to worry her--do you get me? So she had him brought in and +set in the middle of the supper table on the orchids at two dollars per +each, which he sat on without moving while the crowd tried everything on +him, from olives to wine, with no success. The alligator seemed a awful +boob, for he just lay there like a stuffed one, which we knew he wasn't +on account of his not having eaten. + +Well, Jim hadn't heeded me. I guess the truth must be told, though, +honest, he had took but very little; still, being unused to it, the +effect was greater--do you get me? And pretty soon he and this Von +Hoffman was kidding each other and that alligator something fierce. + +Now Jim took a hate on this Von Hoffman bird the minute he laid eyes on +him, partly on account of the costume of Ruby, and also on general +principles, because of the bird's accent. But, the alligator not moving +or nothing, Jim asks if the alligator understands only German. + +"In all probability," says Von Hoffman; "he is a high-class alligator." + +"Then he ought to understand American," says Jim. "He'll have to +eventually; why not now? + +"There's nothing to prove that," says the German bird with a sneer. "He +will probably get along very well as he is, with German only." + +Jim looked mad as a hatter; but instead of taking it out on this Von +Hoffman, as he had ought to have, he turned on that poor dumb beast. + +"Well," says Jim to the alligator, "here's where you learn some +patriotism." + +And he leaned 'way across the table until his face was only an inch or +two away from the alligator's. Jim looked that animal straight in the +eye and spoke very severe. + +"To hell with Germany!" says Jim. + +And with that the alligator snapped--snapped right onto the end of Jim's +nose! Oh, my Gawd, but I yelled! So did Jim--believe you me! And then we +all tried to get that fiend of a pro-German alligator off Jim's face. +When they succeeded in making him let go you had ought to of seen Jim's +nose! It had four holes in it and was bleeding something fierce. + +Oh, may I never live to see such a sight again, let alone having to go +through what followed! For once I forgot my refinement completely, and I +remember yelling at Jim to kill that German. For if he didn't sick his +alligator onto Jim, who did? And there he stood laughing at Jim for all +he was worth; and Jim never offered to fight him! + +Believe you me, all my sympathy for Jim melted right away when I seen he +wasn't doing nothing but stand there holding on to his nose and moaning. + +"I know alligator bites is deadly poison!" He kept saying it over and +over again, while Von Hoffman was laughing himself sick. + +"I hope it is poison!" he says. "I hope it is, you jackanapes of an +American dancer!" + +At this I walked right up to that Von Hoffman bird. + +"I'll get you for this!" I says. "Somehow I know you're a wrong one, and +_I'll_ get you, even if Jim don't want to! I'd enlist to-morrow if I was +a man and get your old Kaiser as well!" + +Then, the next thing I knew, me and Jim was in the limousine, on the way +to the hospital; and Jim was still moaning over being poisoned by the +alligator and getting blood all over the place, and the car just +relined and everything! I didn't say a word just then, because, of +course, you must stick to a pal in time of immediate trouble--do you get +me? But I was boiling mad inside, though worried a little about the +poison. Still, Jim's not hitting that bird, Von Hoffman, was worse to me +than death itself. + +At the hospital the chauffeur and me got Jim inside somehow and to a +desk in the hall. There was a snappy-looking nurse sitting there with a +book, and our coming in at that hour no more worried her than a fly in +cold weather. She just looked up quiet and spoke--sort of unhospitable. + +"Name of ailment?" she inquired. + +"Alligator bite!" I told her, brief; and I will say this got her goat a +little, because she made me say it twice more before she would believe +me. + +Then she directed us down a long hall, and a young guy in a summer suit +of white duck stopped reading the newspaper long enough to give Jim's +nose the once over. + +"No cause for alarm," says this bird. "The nose will be about twice its +normal size for a day, that's all!" All! And, as if that wasn't enough, +he painted the nose and all round it with some brown stuff, which +stopped the bleeding but made Jim look like he was made up for some sort +of comedy act. Jim was perfectly sober by then and quit talking about +poison, and etc., and when he was back in the limousine I just let +myself go and bawled him out good and plenty. + +"Now see here, Jim," I says, "I've stuck by you to-night long enough to +make sure you ain't goin' to die or nothin'; and now I'm through!" + +"You been just fine, Mary," says Jim, trying to take my hand. I took it +away quick. + +"You don't get me!" I says. "I mean I'm through for keeps. The +engagement is broken, and everything!" + +"Whatter yer mean--broken?" says Jim, sort of dazed. + +"Just that!" I snapped. "Here you get tight and take a insult from a +German; and, as if that wasn't enough, you go farther and get bit by a +pro-German alligator! And you don't even offer to fight the German who +owns the alligator, either! And, what's furthermore, you've got your +face swoll up so's you won't be able to dance to-morrow night; and that +iodine won't wash off; and the act is crabbed in the bud--do you get me? +Crabbed! And I'm through--that's all! So don't never come near me +again!" + +Believe you me, Jim tried to make me listen to reason; but I couldn't +hear no reason to listen to, and so wouldn't let him say much. Then Jim +got mad and bawled me out for breaking my rule and going on the party, +and by the time we got to my place we wasn't speaking at all--not even +good night or good-by forever! + + +II + +FOR hours and hours after Ma got me to bed I just lay there thinking and +aching and feeling all hot and ashamed and terribly lonesome, and with +my career all ruined because of the Germans--to say nothing of having +been obliged to become disengaged to Jim. + +And then, just as I was nearly crazy wondering how I was to get my +self-respect back, I got a swell idea. I would enlist! Ladies could. I +remembered reading a piece in a newspaper some place about yeowomen or +something. And as soon as I realized that I could serve Uncle Sam and +help get even with that bird, Von Hoffman, and the Kaiser and the +alligator, and lose my personal feelings in public service, I got the +most wonderfully easy feeling round my heart and dropped right off to +sleep. But when I woke up in the morning it was something fierce, the +way I felt. Believe you me, it was just like I had ate Welsh rabbit the +night before, or something--the weight that was on my chest. At first I +couldn't make out just what it was. Then I remembered. I had lost Jim! +Of course I hadn't lost him so much as shook him; but it was all the +same, or looked that way in the cold gray dawn of ten A. M. + +Honest to Gawd, I never knew how fond I was of Jim until I woke up that +day and realized he was gone forever! But I wouldn't of phoned him and +say I'd changed my mind--not on a bet I wouldn't. And, anyways, I hadn't +changed my mind. The evidences begun to pile up against him. I commenced +to remember how he had been away on some mysterious trips so many +afternoons for the last four or five months; and maybe with some blonde, +for all I knew. And then his going to pieces like that over a mere +alligator bite, the way he done; and, worst of all, not hitting that +German, even though in pain, and crabbing our act by getting bit on the +nose. + +The more I thought about it, the worser I felt, laying there in +retrospect and negligee. And I couldn't see no way of us ever getting +together again--even when he called up and apologized; which, of course, +I expected he would do any minute. But he didn't; and by the time Ma +came in and routed me out of bed I had myself worked up so's I was +crying something terrible, and hating Jim as hard as I could, which +would of been enough to kill him--only for the pain in my heart for +loving him. + +While I ate only a light repast of ham and eggs, and a little marmalade, +and etc., Ma made me tell her all; which I done the best way I could +with crying in between. And then I told her about me having made up my +mind to enlist. She was some surprised at that, though not much. Ma, +having lived through two circuses and a trapeze act, it is sort of hard +to surprise her very much--do you get me? So all Ma says was: + +"Well, Mary Gilligan!" says she. "Can ladies enlist? I had a idea," she +says, "only gentlemen was permitted." + +"No," says I. "I see a piece in the paper where ladies can go in the +navy--yeowomen they call them; a fancy name for a stenographer!" + +"A whole lot too fancy!" says Ma, very prompt. "And no daughter of mine, +a decent, respectable girl, is going sailing off on no battleship with a +lot of sailors--not to mention submarines; not if I know it!" says Ma. +"So, Mary Gilligan, you may as well put that idea out of your head, let +alone you ain't a stenographer and couldn't learn it in a month." + +"Well, Ma," I says, "maybe you're right; and I do get seasick awful +quick. But--oh, Ma! I got to enlist some place. Can't you see the way I +feel?" + +Ma could. + +"I know!" she says, very sympathetic. "I was the same when your pa +missed both the third trapeze and the life net. I would of enlisted when +he died if there had been a war. And, of course, you feel like Jim was +dead. How about the Red Cross?" + +"Won't do for me," I says, prompt. "I don't see myself sitting around in +no shop, with a dust cloth tied over my head, selling tickets. I got to +do something active or I'll go bugs!" + +Then Ma had a real idea. + +"How about this here Woman's Automobile Service?" says she. "The one I +read you the piece about? You're a woman and you got a auto." + +"Ma, you're a wonder!" I says. "Look up the address while I get my hat +on! Tell Musette to call for the limousine; and watch me make a trial +for my new job!" + +So they done like I asked, and I kissed Ma and Musette good-by; also the +two fool dogs, for I had a sort of feeling like I was going into battle +already. + +"When Jim calls up tell him it's no good--he can't see me," says I, the +last thing. And then I set off in the limousine. + +Well, I'd put on a very simple imported model and a small hat, and only +my diamond earrings, and a brooch Jim had give me, when we was first +engaged, over my aching heart. I wanted, above all things, to look +refined; for, even if the U. S. Army isn't always quite that, still, +this was a ladies' branch of it. And you know what women can +be--especially in organizations; though I admit I hadn't had much +previous experience with them, except the White Kittens, which Ma +insisted on me keeping up with and contributing to their annual ball, +because of she having always belonged. And--believe you me--the scraps I +seen at some of their Execution Committee meetings would make the Battle +of the Marne look like a pinochle post-mortem! + +Well, as I was saying, I took no chances on appearances of refinement in +this case, not knowing exactly what class of ladies would be running the +Woman's Automobile Service. And, even when I got to their office, it +took me several minutes before I got the right dope on them and their +line--do you get me? + +In the first place, it wasn't at all like the White Kittens' +Headquarters, in the Palatial Hotel ball-room. Instead, it was a shop on +a swell side street, with two very plain capable-looking dark-green +ambulances standing outside. My limousine had to stop next door on +account of them. + +Well, I got out and walked across and into that shop. And--believe you +me--it was the plainest place you ever saw; not even so much as a flower +or a rug to give it a womanly touch. But neat! My Gawd! And there was +three young ladies there, all in the snappiest-looking uniforms you ever +want to see--dark green, like the ambulances, with gold on the collar, +and caps like the Oversea's Army, and the cutest leggings! My! + +Maybe you think they looked like a chorus? They did not! They was as +business-like as English officers. Over in one corner a frowzy-looking +little dame was sitting, reading a book. There wasn't no unnecessary +furniture in the place, and 'way at the back was a door marked Captain +Worth--Private, which seemed funny. + +The minute I come in one of the girls jumped up and says what could she +do for me? + +I seen at once she was a perfect lady. + +"I am Marie La Tour," I says in a very quiet, low-pitched voice, like a +drawing-room act. + +"Yes?" says she. "And what can I do for you, Miss--er----" + +"La Tour!" I says again, as patient as possible. + +But it was plain she didn't get me, even the second time, though it's a +cinch she heard me all right, all right. But the name simply didn't mean +nothing in her young life. Was I surprised? I was! Of course if I had +said "I am Mrs. Vernon Castle," and she didn't know who it was, I +wouldn't of got such a jolt. But Marie La Tour! Well, there's ignorance +even among the educated, and I realized this and didn't try to wise her +up any. After all, I was not out for publicity, but for serving my +country. Besides, I had heard right along that the army was full of +democracy; and, of course, this was some of it. + +"Well," I says, "I would like to enlist. My heart is broken, but full of +patriotism, and this seemed a good place to come." + +"Good!" says this young lady, which I had noticed by this time she had a +lieutenant's uniform on her, but not by any means intending she was glad +my heart was broken. "Good!" she says. "Sit down and let me tell you +about our organization." + +"Is it the regular army?" I asked. + +"Not yet," says she; "but we hope we will eventually get official +recognition. We are already used by the Government for dispatch and +ambulance service and as escorts and drivers for officers and members of +the various departments; also, as government inspectors. So you see it +is a very live work." + +"And it's a awfully pretty costume," I says; "so snappy." + +"The uniform is only the outward sign of what we are doing," says Miss +Lieutenant. "You have a car?" + +"Outside," I says; "eight-thousand dollars, and all paid for. You can +have it if it's any good to you. Ma always prefers the street car +anyways." + +"Thank you; that is splendid!" says the lady officer, very pleasant, but +not exactly excited over my offer--which was some offer at that. + +She took out a slip of paper and begun filling in some blanks on it. + +First, the make of the car, and then the answers to the questions she +shot at me. + +"Can we have it at a moment's notice?" she said. "Yes? Good! Is it new? +In good condition? Do you loan or give it?" + +"Give!" I says, brief. "I am not going to be a piker to Uncle Sam." + +At this the lady lieutenant actually came out of her shell enough to +give me a smile. + +"That's the spirit!" she says. "We sometimes have as many as twenty +offers of cars a day. But, as a rule, they are half-time loans. Can you +drive?" + +"Drive a horse?" says I. + +"No, no," says the kid, serious again, "a car, of course!" + +"Why, no," says I, feeling sort of cheap. "Isn't there anything else I +can do?" + +"Plenty," she says, cheerfully; "but you will have to learn to drive, +first of all. You must have a chauffeur's license, a doctor's +certificate of health, two letters of recommendation from prominent +citizens as to your loyalty and general character, and a graduate's +certificate from a technical automobile school." + +"Anything else?" I says, sort of faint. + +"Well, of course, you will have to take the nursing and first-aid course +at St. Timothy's Hospital," she says, "and the regular U. S. Infantry +drill. But that's about all." + +"Do I have to learn all that stuff before I can come in?" I asked, +feeling about as small as when I had my first try-out on the big time +circuit. + +"Oh, no," says Miss Lieutenant; "you can sign your application right +away if you like. Then you can come in immediately and start rookie +drill and the first-aid work with the service while you are getting your +technical training." + +Believe you me, my breath was about taken away by all this stuff. I +don't really know now just what I did expect when I first come into +that shop, but I guess I had a sort of idea they'd give me a big welcome +and I'd get a costume of some sort; and, after that--well, I don't +really know. I certainly never expected what they handed me. But I was +game. + +"When can I commence all this?" I says. + +"When do you want to?" says Miss Lieutenant. + +"To-day," I says firmly. At this Miss Lieutenant actually smiled again. + +"Good!" says she. "The minute you bring me that health certificate and +those letters of recommendation I'll sign you up and you can start in at +the Automobile Training School. To-morrow morning is the time at St. +Timothy's Hospital and to-morrow afternoon is rookie drill." + +"And when is the auto school?" I says. + +"Every afternoon," she says. + +"Then," says I, "I'll get them letters and the certificate here by noon. +And if you O. K. them I'll just start in this P. M.--if it's all the +same to you." + +"Good!" says Miss Lieutenant, evidently not displeased, yet determined +to show no emotion. + +Then she got up, indicating that our business was over, clicked her +heels together like a regular officer, and made a stiff little bow. Oh, +wasn't she professional, just! + +"Well, I'll be back," I says, and started to go. "I'm sure I can get +everything but the technical stuff; and I'll get that if I die of it!" + + +III + +AND--believe you me--I had no idea how near true them words was when I +uttered them. I was almost at the door when the frowzy little dame in +the corner, which I had forgotten she was there, come over and touched +me on the arm. + +"I beg your pardon, my dear," she says; "but I want to tell you I think +your spirit is fine. And don't let any fear of the technical course +deter you. Even I was able to do it." + +Was I surprised? I was! But she seemed very sweet and kind, though so +unnoticeable; so I just says thanks, and then--believe you me--started +out on some rush! + +First of all, I hustled up to old Doc Al's place, which Ma and me has +him for a doctor; though Gawd knows there ain't never a blessed thing +the matter with our healths. Still, since her trapeze days Ma has +always felt that emergencies do happen. Well, of course, he give me a +perfect certificate in less than ten minutes' time, and I was off to see +Goldringer, head of the dancing trust; and him and his partner, +Kingston, each give me a elegant letter of recommendation, than which I +could scarcely of got letters from any more prominent citizens--unless, +maybe, Pres. Wilson. + +Well, anyways, I took all three recommends down to the young lady +lieutenant, and there all was the same. Well, it was still lacking five +to twelve when I come in, and Miss Lieutenant looked quite some +surprised, though she tried not to. The letters and the doc's +certificate was O. K.; and the first thing you know, I was signed up and +given three passes. One for the auto school for two o'clock that same P. +M.; one for the hospital, calling for me to be on hand for rehearsal of +the nursing act at nine o'clock next morning. The third was also a call +for rehearsal--a outdoor drill in the park at three P. M. next day. It +looked like I was going to have a busy life. + +"Well," I says, "would you like the car now?" I says. "I can walk home +just as good as not." + +"No, thanks," says Miss Lieutenant. "We will call upon you for it when +it is needed." + +Believe you me, I was grateful for that, because I ain't used to +hustling round in the early morning, and I had hustled some this time. +So I climbed in and says "Home, James!" and dropped in on the seat and +was carried uptown for lunch. + +While on the way I got the first chance I'd had all morning to think +about Jim, and to wonder what he had said when he phoned to apologize. +And did the ache come back in my heart when I got thinking of him? It +did! I felt almost sick with lonesomeness by the time I got to the flat. +And whatter you think? Jim hadn't phoned at all! Not a peep out of him! + +At first I thought there must be some mistake; but after I'd rowed with +the operator in the hall, and with Ma and Musette both, I come to +realize that the split between me and Jim was real--that we was off each +other sure enough. And it was not so surprising that a man which didn't +hit a German whose alligator had bit him wouldn't know how to treat a +lady! + +But somehow Jim's being so mean about not phoning perked me up a lot and +give me courage to think of going into that auto school. I had +commenced to be awful doubtful about it; but Jim's neglect, together +with the lunch Ma had fixed, set me up a lot. And by one-thirty by my +wrist watch, and a quarter to two by the mantel-piece clock, I had the +strength to struggle into a _demitallieur,_ which is French for any +lady's suit costing over sixty dollars, and get to the auto school by +the time the lady lieutenant had told them to expect me. + +Oh, that auto school! The torture chambers of this here Castle of +Chillon has nothing on it and--believe you me--the first set of tools a +person going into it needs is a manicure set. The next thing they need +is a good memory, the kind which can get a twelve-hundred-line part +overnight; which no dancer can nor is ever supposed to! + +One thing I will say for that school, though--they was not such a +ill-informed lot as the Automobile Service. From the very minute I set +foot inside the place they knew who I was, and the manager give me the +pick of half a dozen young fellows who was just filled with patriotic +longing to help me qualify for the service. + +After giving them the once over I finally decided on one lean-looking +bird, who seemed married, and quiet, and likely to teach me something +about the insides of an auto, instead of asking me questions about the +steps of the Teatime Tango Trot, and did I feel the same in my make-up? + +Well, the first thing this bird asks me is do I know anything about a +car? And I says, know what? And he says, well, can I name the parts of a +car? And I says, yes; and he says for me to name them. So I says color, +lining, flower holder, clock, speaking tube and chauffeur. + +Well, the bird says so far correct; but that wasn't enough, and he +guessed we better begin at the more fundamental parts and would I just +step inside? + +Well, it seems this auto school undertakes to teach you everything about +a car from the paint on the body to the appendix, or magneto, as it is +called, in twenty lessons; which is like trying to teach the Teatime +Tango Trot, with three hand-springs and twenty whirls round your +partner's neck, by mail for five dollars. Which is to say it can't be +done. + +First off, the instructor hands you a bunch of yellow papers with a lot +of typewriting on them--twenty sheets in all, or one per lesson, and +all you got to do is learn them good and then put into practice what you +learn; and after that what you can't do to a car would fill a book! + +Well, after you grab this sheaf of stage bank notes you look at number +one and follow the bird that's teaching you round the room while he +reels it off. I guess the idea of you holding the paper is to check him +up if he makes a mistake. Anyways, this bird let me in among a flock of +busted-looking pieces of machinery and begun talking fast. At first, I +didn't get him at all; but when I got sort of used to it I realized he +was saying something like this: + +"The crank shaft is a steel drop-forging having arms extending from +center of shaft according to number of cylinders. It is used to change +the reciprocating movement of the piston into a rotary motion of the +flywheel; it has a starting handle at one end and the flywheel at the +other, as you observe. We will now pass on to the exhaust manifold, +which is generally constructed of cast iron; it conducts the burned +gases from the exhaust valve . . ." + +"Hold on!" I says. "Exhaust is right! I'm exhausted this minute. If you +don't mind I'd like to sit down and talk sense, instead of listening to +a phonograph monologue in a foreign language." + +The instructor bird seemed sort of winded by this; but he got a couple +of chairs and pretty soon we was sitting in a quiet corner talking like +we'd both been on the same circuit for five years. + +"Now listen here, brother," I says real earnest; "I want to learn this +stuff, and learn it right! And I want you to stick by me and see me +through, same as you would any male man that come in here to learn to be +a chauffeur. Now take it easy and make me get it, and I'll play square +and do my best to understand, without no nonsense." + +"Say, you bet I will, Miss La Tour!" says this bird, who, married or +not, had some spirit in him yet. "You bet I will! You see, a lot of +dames come in here just because they ain't got nothing else to do. And +you yourself must realize that a guy can only go through the motions +when that's all they want." + +Well, I could see that plain enough, and from then on we got along like +a new team of partners with equal money in the act and going big on +thirty straight weeks' booking. And--believe you me--there is a awful +lot of interesting things about a auto; only you would never suspect it +until you start to look at what is under the hood and body. As to +understanding them all, you couldn't get it all off of no twenty sheets +of yellow paper, nor twenty hundred, either! It's a career, really +understanding a machine is; just the same as being a expert dancer. The +guy that invented all them parts and got them working together certainly +must of set up nights doing it. + +Well, anyways, after two hours of lapping up this dope I got so's I +could actually tell the cam shaft from the crank shaft and the +difference between a cycle and a cylinder, which was enough for one day. +And then I rode home to Ma. + +Actually I had almost forgot to be miserable about Jim for two whole +hours! But when I got home, and he hadn't phoned to apologize yet, it +all came back over me, and I simply felt that, automobiles and +enlistments or no, I wanted to die--just die! I cried so bad that even +Ma couldn't make me mind, and I was so tired I couldn't even taste the +hot cakes she had fixed. I do believe Ma would think of cooking +something tasty if the world was coming to a end the next minute. She'd +be afraid the recording angel would need a sandwich and a cup of hot +coffee to keep him going while he was on the job. + +But, anyways, they couldn't do nothing to me, or get me to go to the +Ritz or the theater much less the midnight show; but the last did not +matter, because I was wore out and asleep long before. And so Ma had to +telephone that Miss La Tour was suddenly ill and unable to appear. I +made her swear not to phone Jim nor let him in nor Roscoe, the publicity +man, if they was to come--not on no account. And so I slept--poor +child!--worn by the tossing of the cruel ocean of life--do you get me? + +Well, next morning I was up long before Musette, and would of been +obliged to dress unaided, only for Ma never having got used to sleeping +late, partly on account of her always taking a nap just after the +matinée performance when with the circus, and still continuing the +habit. So Ma give me my coffee and a big kiss, and promised not to tell +Jim nothing if he telephoned and I set off to be at the hospital at nine +A. M., according to orders from Miss Lieutenant. + +Well, there has always been something about a hospital I didn't care for +much; not that I have went to many--only the night Jim got bit by the +alligator; and once, when me and Jim was first engaged, he had a dog +which we had to take to the dog hospital. But--believe you me--this St. +Timothy's Hospital, was quite different from the dog hospital. It was a +whole lot more like a swell hotel, with porters and bell boys and clerks +and elevators, and everything except a café, as far as I could make out; +and I'm not sure about that, but I don't suppose they had it. + +I was so scared of being late that I was a little early and had to wait +in a office. Pretty soon two or three other rookies come in; and, being +ladies, of course we didn't dare to speak to each other at first. And +then the ladies of the Automobile Service commenced coming in, wearing +their uniforms. And were they a fine-looking lot? They were! I sure did +wish I had a right to that costume; and I had a feeling that my heart +wouldn't hurt near so bad, even when thinking of Jim, once it was +beating under that snappy-looking uniform coat in Uncle Sam's +service--do you get me? + +Well, about this time we were let go upstairs in one of them regular +hotel elevators, the rookies still scared, the regular members in good +standing talking among theirselves, though several spoke to me nice and +friendly; in particular, the little frowzy one which had been reading +the book the day before in the office, but wasn't at all sloppy in her +uniform. + +Believe you me, I had a awful funny feeling in the middle of my stomach +going up in that elevator, and not for the same reason as the +Metropolitan Tower or any of them tall buildings, either. It was because +of not knowing what was ahead of me and preparing for the worst. After +I'd seen the kind of stuff them lady soldiers had to learn in the auto +shop, it seemed like about anything might be expected of them in a mere +hospital. So I got myself all braced up so's if I had to cut off a leg, +or extract a tooth or anything, I'd be able to go to it and not bat an +eye-lash--not outwardly, anyway. + +But things is seldom as bad as you figure in advance--not even +first-night performances. And the stuff which was actually put up to us +was simple as a ordinary one-step. At least, it looked so from a +distance. By distance I mean this: When the nursing instructor--a lady +in a white dress, with the darndest-looking little soubrette cap stuck +'way on the back of her head--when she stood up in front of the lot of +us and put a Velpeau bandage--which is French for sling, I guess, and +looks it--on one of the lady soldiers who was acting as mannequin, why, +it looked easy. + +While she was putting it on she handed us a line of talk something like +that bird at the auto school, only not so fluent. And when she got +through it was up to the rest of us to put the Velpeau bandages on each +other. Gawd knows it was no cinch. + +First, I set down, and a girl in uniform asked could she wrap me up. +Well, it just naturally rumpled my Georgette blouse; but what's a blouse +to a patriot? I let her go to it, and she done it so good and so quick +that it was all over before I knew it, as the dentist says; and then it +was up to me. Somebody give me a nice new roll of bandage and told me to +get a model. + +Well, I didn't have the nerve to ask any one, me being so new and the +name Marie La Tour not meaning anything to nobody here. And so here was +me standing round like a fool, not knowing how to commence, when up +comes that lady--her which had been so sloppy reading a book in the +office. + +"Can't I be your model?" she offered, and--believe you me--I could of +almost cried, I was so glad to have somebody take notice of me. + +I liked that dame more each time I seen her; she sure was refined. Even +her sloppiness was refined--do you get me? + +Well, as to real work, that sheaf of yellow papers up to the auto school +had nothing on the bandaging game when it come to understanding it +properly. Believe you me, that bandage had a will of its own, and the +only way to make it mind would of been to step on it and kill it. But +after a little I managed to tie up the lady pretty good, and before I +was done I had my mind made up that Musette had lost her regular job and +was going to be a bandage mannequin from that P. M. on until I got the +hang of the thing. + +Well, when the scramble of putting on the bandage was over and past, we +was told that after we got on to the theory we'd be sent down to the +Charity Ward for two solid weeks and practice what we'd learned. + +Well, I thought, if I ever get there Gawd help the charity patients! I +guess the two weeks won't qualify me for the Auto Service. More likely +I'll be ready for the Battalion of Death, or whatever they call them +Russian women! + +Well, when the bandages was all gathered up we was dismissed, as they +call it, and told to report for drill in a certain place in the park, it +being a fine day. + +I must say I didn't think a whole lot of the hospital end of the game, +because it wasn't pleasant. Of course I had no intention to quit in any +way, but it sort of depressed me, what with all that sickness going on +round me and the talk about wounds and bandages. And so my mind wasn't +took off Jim, like it was by the auto work, me having a heart which +needed a little bandaging--only that can't be done, of course. + + +IV + +WELL, on the way home I cried some more. And well I might. For when I +got there had Jim phoned? He had not! Nobody but Goldringer, the +manager, and Roscoe, the publicity man, and a few unimportant nuts like +that, and some of the newspapers. Ma had stalled them off pretty good by +saying it was impossible to disturb me. + +And it seems these people hadn't been able to locate Jim anywheres, +either. At first that sounded sort of funny to me; but when I come to +think it over I realized about his nose, where the alligator had bit him +and the doctor had put on the brown stuff, from which he wouldn't +naturally care to be seen--only no one could say that it would prevent +him using the phone, which I also realized. + +Well, after I eat a little liver and bacon, and so on, which Ma had +fixed for me, and cried some, which made me feel better again, I started +out for drill; which means that now comes the real important part of +what happened and the true measure of the tale, as the poet says. + +Well, it seems we rookies--and I must pause to mention that I don't like +that word rookies; it sounds like something that would get the hook +amateur nights. Well, as I was saying, we rookies was told to report at +three o'clock for a private drill, all of our very own. But I was on to +the fact that the regular members in good standing would be there ahead +of us to do well what we was about to do badly. So I thought I would go +early and sit out in front, or whatever was the same thing, and try and +get a line on how it was done. + +Believe you me, there ain't many steps I can't get by seeing them done +once; and if I was to of gone up to the Palace and watch Castle, or Rock +and White, or any one of them, when I come away I could do the steps +they pulled as good as if I had invented them! + +Well, this was my idea in going up and seeing the ladies drill. So there +I was at the park bright and early on a fine sunny afternoon, with the +ladies all in uniform. But I wasn't in any too much time, for I'd no +sooner got there than a big roughneck of a feller--a regular U. S. drill +sergeant, I found out after--come up and yelled: "Fall in!" Just as rude +as any stage director I ever seen! But the ladies didn't seem to mind a +bit. They didn't fall into nothing though; they just hustled into line +and stood there. + +"Ten-shun!" says the feller. And they all stood like a chorus when the +stage manager is telling them he is going to quit the show if they don't +learn no better, and they're a bunch of fatheads, and he's going to get +them fired. In other words, they stood perfectly still. + +Well, after that it was something grand, what those ladies did. I will +say that when I come down to the park that afternoon I thought maybe I'd +see some pretty fair chorus work; you know--formations, and etc. But +this was no chorus work, it was soldiering. I never seen anything neater +in my life. Was it snappy? It was! And when I thought how that bunch of +ladies knew all about autos from soup to nuts, and about bandages, and +etc., believe you me--that drill was the finishing touch. + +For once in my life, I was anxious to be in the chorus, even in the back +line. But not forever--not much! Believe you me, I made up my mind that, +once I was really in it, I was going to work for a speaking part like I +never worked before. And meantime I started in that direction by trying +to figure out just what the ladies did when the stage manager--I mean, +officer--hollered at them. And--believe you me--I had the +turn-on-the-heel and push-off-with-the-toe idea on that right-and-left +face stuff long before the regular members in good standing was +dismissed and we lady rookies was called. + +Well, the same roughneck which had drilled the others had us simps +wished on to him; and the first thing he done was to get us in a row +--you couldn't properly call it a line--and then stand out in front and +look at us sort of hopeless and discouraged, like a good director which +has just finished with a bunch of old-timers and is starting with green +material for the back row. Then he commenced talking. + +Well, while this bird was getting off a line of talk about us now being +soldiers of the U. S. A. and that being no joke to him or us, and etc., +and etc., but no instructions in it, I let my mind wander just a little, +on account of me having enlisted for deeper reasons than any he +mentioned and him quite incapable of strengthening them. + +And while my mind wandered this little bit, and I was thinking how funny +it felt to be back in the chorus--do you get me?--I happened to take a +look at the houses facing the park. And--believe you me--I got a jolt, +for there we was standing right opposite Ruby Rosalie's house! + +Well, I was that astonished to realize it you could of knocked me over +with a sudden noise! Up to then I had been so interested in the other +ladies and what they was doing I hadn't even noticed it. + +And then, before I could really commence to think what a awful thing it +would be if Ruby was to look out of the window and see me standing +there, and think I was just in some chorus, and maybe that nasty Von +Hoffman with her, and the both of them laughing their fool heads off, +the officer says "Ten-shun!" he says. And, of course, I tenshuned, +because of me being anxious to get everything he said when it come to +instruction, and get it right. + +Well, he told us a lot of dope on one thing at a time after he had got +us in line, with the tallest at the right hand, which was me. And he +told us very simple and then made us do it; and no camouflage, +because--believe you me--he could spot any lady which done it wrong +quick as a flash. + +I will say he didn't have a whole lot of trouble with me, partly on +account of me having had similar work before, and also my feet taking to +new things so easy. But it took me about ten minutes to see that my +patent Oxfords, with the Looie heels, was never going to do for this +work. Though I hate to say it, the other ladies sure did bother him a +lot. They couldn't seem to mind quick enough. And he had a lot of +trouble making them keep at attention. + +Every time we'd be that way, just to show what I mean, the lady next to +me would forget and powder her nose. Oh, that wasn't no new sight to me! +I seen worse in my day until they get used to it. But did that officer +get mad? He did! + +"Whatter ye think ye're at?" he yells. "A pink tea? Cut that stuff now! +Attention is attention and youse is standing at it," he says. "The worst +crime youse can commit is move without permission." + +And--believe you me--I sympathized with him, I did, little knowing what +I was about to do next my ownself. + +Alas, that in ladies obedience comes so much harder than following out a +impulse! For the officer had no sooner uttered them words, and I agreed +with him, than I went back on him something terrible. + +It was this way: As I explained, we was drilling in the park, and not +alone in the park but also opposite Ruby Roselle's house. Well, of +course, we was drilling on a open piece of grass, but at one side of +this here grass was fancy bushes; you know--hedges and what not. And me, +being on the end of the line, was nearest them bushes. + +Well, as the sergeant was speaking I seen something move under one of +them bushes; and, as Heaven is my witness, there was that pro-German +alligator which had bit Jim on the nose and started all my troubles. +There he was, walking very slowly, gold-and-diamond collar and all, and +by his lone self, with nobody to protect him! + +Well, I never stopped to think or salute, or ask nothing of nobody. All +I knew for the time was that that damn alligator had somehow got out on +his own, and that this was the chance of a lifetime. So, without more +ado, I fell right out of attention and rushed over and reached into the +bushes and grabbed the alligator by the tail. + +Well, the officer hollered something at me, I don't know what, and all +the ladies commenced screaming. And was I scared of that alligator? I +was! But I held him up by the tail, and it didn't take me two minutes to +find out that he couldn't bite me that way; and then my scare was gone. + +I felt so good about getting him I didn't even care much what was being +said at me by the drill sergeant. I just stood there holding tight to +the alligator's tail and grinning all over myself. But up come Miss +Lieutenant, who had been watching our drill--the one which had signed me +up--and she was as mad as a hornet, only having a awful time trying not +to laugh. + +"What's this?" she says, indignant. + +Fortunately the alligator was in my left hand; so I saluted. + +"Enemy alien alligator!" I says. + +"Dismissed from the ranks!" she says. "And report to Sergeant Warner at +Headquarters at five o'clock." + +Gee, but that made me feel bad! But she wouldn't listen to no +explanations at all, and there was nothing for me to do except walk off +to where the limousine was waiting. And, in a way, I was glad, because +suppose Ruby had of looked out and saw the alligator in my hand! I +couldn't of got away with him. + +As things went, I got him safe into the limousine. And--believe you +me--I didn't dare set him down for a minute for fear of his trying to +get even with me; and so I was obliged to hold him at arm's length until +we got home, which it is a good thing that it wasn't very far. + +Well, when we got home you ought to of seen the elevator boys get out of +the way! I walked in holding on to the alligator; and once I got to the +flat there was Ma sitting in the Looie-the-Head-Waiter drawing-room, +reading a cook-book. When she seen what I had I must say that for once +she acted kind of surprised. + +Of course, she ain't usually surprised, not after her having twice seen +sudden death in the center ring, and the circus went on just the same. +But alligators coming in unexpected is rather out of the usual. So Ma +marked her place at sauces for fish, and took off her glasses so's she +could see good, and give me the kind of stare she used to hand out when +I got dirt on my Sunday-school dress. + +"Why, Mary Gilligan!" she says. "For the land's sakes, where did you get +that?" + +"Caught it on the wing!" I says, very sarcastic, on account of my arm +being nearly broke. "Can you cook it for supper?" I says. + +"Well," she says. "I guess I can. What is it? A mock turtle?" + +"It's a pro-German alligator," I says. "And if you'll just kindly help +me instead of standing there staring at it, we'll intern it some place +so's I can leave my arm get a rest." + +Well, we certainly had a fierce time finding something to put him in, +owing to us not being able to agree about what kind of a place he +belonged. Ma was all for the goldfish bowl, claiming it was his native +element; and Musette, who come in, thought the canary cage was better. +But, realizing he couldn't jump very high, I had them get a big hat-box, +and set him in that. + +"And now what are you going to do with him?" says Ma as we all stood +'round looking at him; and my two fool dogs barking their heads off on +account of a mistaken idea they had that he was a new pet. "What are you +going to do with him?" says Ma. + +"Unless you cook him, I don't know," I says--"except for one thing: I'm +going to take that gold-and-diamond collar offen that brute and sell it +and give the money to the American Red Cross; and I'm going to do it +now!" + +Believe you me, I was mad at that alligator! And no wonder! Just look +at all the trouble he made me! So I didn't waste any time getting action +against him. First off, I persuaded Ma, who was real brave, to hold a +ice pick down on his nose good and firm, so's he couldn't open his face. +Then I managed, after a lot of trouble, to get that bejeweled sinful +collar off his neck. And was it a swell collar? It was! + +As soon as I had it off we just left that alligator interned in the +hat-box and looked the collar over good. It was made all of a piece and +the jewels were certainly wonderful. I know quite a lot about them, me +and Ma always having invested that way when we had a little extra cash. + +Well, as we was looking the stones over carefully, I happened to rub one +which was close to the snap, sort of sideways, and right off something +happened: That there collar parted--yes, sir; parted!--the lining from +the outside, and in the place between the setting and the inside frame +was a couple of thin slips of paper! + +Well--believe you me--it didn't take me long to get the idea; not after +having a father and a mother which had been in the circus and had to +think quick, and me having been associated with dramatic stuff all my +life--do you get me? You do! + +What with that collar having come off a alligator which I was already +convinced was a pro-German, and knowing Von Hoffman had give it to Ruby +Roselle, and got her to sing Overseas in that nasty costume made out of +the national colors, which should never be done, I seen everything +clear. Von Hoffman had a German job of some kind! + +And when I unfolded those papers and seen they was full of funny little +marks like a stenographer makes and then can't read, I realized that I +had happened in on it; and so will any intelligent public. + +Well, was Ma and Musette full of questions? They was! But I didn't wait +to answer none of them; for I realized, also, that it was almost five +o'clock, and I was supposed to report at Headquarters for a bawling-out +at that time. And, after me having broken the rules once, I had no wish +to do it again so soon. + +Well, I just grabbed up the collar and the papers, and a clean pair of +gloves, as the alligator had completely ruined what I had, and, having +on my hat, waited not to explain, but made a dash for the street. And +by a big piece of luck there was the limousine, still standing outside +on account of I having forgot to tell John to go. Well, I told him +"Headquarters!" and off we started; and I got there just on the dot of +five o'clock. + +Well, Miss Lieutenant was there, and a Miss Sergeant--the one I was +reporting to--and that frowzy-looking lady I have spoke of before, and +several other ladies, still in their uniforms. And while I was +explaining, in comes the captain, which she certainly is a smart woman. +And they all listened while I reported and told the whole story about +Ruby and me and Jim and Von Hoffman and the alligator. Then I saluted +and handed over said collar and papers in evidence; and then the captain +spoke up: + +"This material, which is undoubtedly in a foreign code, will be of +interest to the Secret Service," she says. "This Von Hoffman is probably +one of those persons who are active in the obviously deliberate effort +to cheapen and degrade the quality of our patriotism," she says; "for I +have heard that is part of the German propaganda here." + +"Private La Tour, in view of the unusual circumstances, you are excused +for your action in leaving ranks without permission," she says; "but +next time remember to get your salute recognized," she says--"even under +extreme conditions." + +Then she went on, and she says: + +"I understand you have given your car," she says. "Some member in +uniform will take this evidence downtown in Private La Tour's car," she +says, "which we now accept for the service." + +Then she walked into her office, which said Private on it, and closed +the door; and I watched one of the ladies in uniform go away, with the +collar and the papers, in my limousine. + +And after she had went I got a terrible scare, for it come over me all +of a sudden that I hadn't even a nickel change on me to buy car fare +home! + +Well, just as I was standing there wondering how I was going to hoof it +after the trying day I had had, that frowzy lady comes up to me, real +kind, like she could almost see what I was thinking of; and she says: + +"May I take you home in my car, Miss La Tour?" she says. "I have seen +you dance so often that I feel as though I knew you. I am Mrs. Pieter +van Norden." + +Just get that, will you, will you? Her that I had been modeling myself +on for refinement for years! And--would you believe it?--on the way home +she told me she had been trying to dance like me since the first time +she seen me! + +Well--believe you me--I felt so good over this, and over having got the +goods on Von Hoffman, and about being excused for making that bad break +at drill, and not getting fired out of the Automobile Service, that I +only commenced feeling bad about Jim and me again after Mrs. Van Norden +had left me at the door of my place, and I was going up in the elevator. + +As I was letting myself in with my key I got so low in my mind again +that I felt I would just die if Jim hadn't phoned; and I knew he hadn't, +for I'd given up hope. Well, I opened the door and went in. And then I +got another shock; for right in the middle of the drawing-room stood +Jim. + +Well, first off, I didn't know him on account of him being in khaki; but +when he turned around I nearly died for sure! But I didn't actually die. +What I done is nobody's business but mine and Jim's. But I will say it +was a second lieutenant-of-aviation uniform; and they show powder on the +shoulder something terrible. + +And he had been studying for months; and that's where he was every +afternoon, and not out with some blonde, and wouldn't tell me for fear +he wouldn't get it! + +And I'm going to dance alone at night until he comes back, and all day +drive a truck or something to release a man. And that's the whole inside +story of the split, which is now readily seen is not a fight at all, at +least not yet for we got married at once. + +So, only one thing more: Regarding that alligator, Ma decided he would +be too hard to cook. So Jim took him to camp for a mascot, and by the +time he got through there he learned to understand American--believe you +me! + + + + +II + +PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO + + +I + +AIN'T it remarkable the way the war has changed the way we look at a +whole lot of things? Take wrist-watches for one. Before the military +idea was going so strong on its present booking but a little while, +wrist-watches had grabbed off a masculine standing for themselves, and +six months before no real man would of been willingly found dead in one! + +Then take newspapers! Oncet we used to look at them for news, and now we +just look at them. It's kind of a nervous habit, I guess. And take +simple little things like coal and sugar. Why once we paid no attention +to them and now we look at them real respectful--when we see them. +Which leads me on to say that the war has brought us to look at a great +many things we never even seen before, not if they was right under our +noses. That's how I come to see that letter from the W.S.S. +Committee--and would to Heaven I had not, as the poet says. For +although--believe you me--most of the mail order goods a person buys is +pretty apt to be as rep. because why would a customer write again which +had been stung once, and thrift stamps is no exception, it certainly +will be a long time before I fall so easy for anything the postman slips +me. Next time I'll recognize that his whistle is a note of warning to +more than them which has unpaid bills, which I have not and so never +listened for him. + +Well, anyways, the time this little trouble maker reached my side, I had +slipped into a simple little lounging suit of pink georgette pajamas, +and was lying on the day-bed in a regular wallow of misery on account of +wondering if Jim was dead on the gory fields of France, or was it only +the censor--do you get me? I was laying there rubbing a little cold +cream onto my nose and thinking how would it feel to be always able to +do so without losing my husband's love, which, of course, would mean he +had died at the front, when in comes Ma with a couple of letters. I give +one shriek and sprung to my feet, like a regular small-time drama, and +grabbed them off her, cold cream and all. And then slunk back upon the +day-bed and despair when I seen they weren't from Jim. Ma stood there +with her hands on her hips until she seen I wasn't going to break any +bad news to her, when she left me in peace to read them. That is she +meant to, but believe you me, it was far from it as Ma went into our +all-paid-for gold furnished parlour and commenced playing on the pianola +which Jim had give me for a souvenir before he sailed, and Ma, being +sort of heavy and strong, after twenty-five years with a circus, she has +a fierce touch. + +Well, anyways, after she had got "Soft and Low" going strong with the +loud pedal and no expression, I opened the first envelope. It was my +copy of my new contract with Goldringer all signed and everything and +calling for only twenty minutes of my first class A-1 parlour dancing +act in his new musical show at the Springtime Garden entitled "Go To It" +and which let all persons know that the party of the first part +hereinafter called the manager was willing and able to pay Miss Marie La +Tour, party of the second ditto, one thousand dollars a week. Which +certainly was _some_ party to look foreward to and scarcely any work to +speak of, a refined act like mine not calling for over three handsprings +and some new steps, which is second nature to me and I generally make up +a few every night for my own amusement same as some of those fellows +which play the piano by hand--do you get me? + +Well, anyways, when I had looked the contract over good and seen it +really was, as I had before realized in the office, more than +satisfactory, I salted it away in my toy safe which was nicely built +into the mantel-piece for the greater convenience of burglars, and then +I remembered the other envelope. All unsuspecting as a table d'hote +guest, I opened the envelope, and then almost dropped dead. + +It was from President Wilson! + +Believe you me, I leaned up against the art-gray wall paper and prepared +to faint after I had read the news. But instead of commencing, "I regret +to inform you of the death in battle," or something like that, it +started: + + + "THE WHITE HOUSE, + "Washington, D. C. + + "I earnestly appeal to every man, woman and child to pledge + themselves to save constantly and to buy as regularly as possible + the securities of the Government; and to do this as far as possible + through membership in War Savings Societies. + + "The man who buys War Savings Stamps transfers his purchasing power + to the United States Government. + + "May there be none unenlisted in the great volunteer army of + production and saving here at home. + + "WOODROW WILSON." + + +Woodrow Wilson! Signed--and addressed to _me!_ Of course it didn't +exactly begin "Dear Miss La Tour" or anything like that, and he had +signed it with a rubber stamp or something which I did not hold against +him in the least, me realizing at once what a busy man he must be. But +coming as it done instead of a death-notice which I had by this time +fully expected after no letter for over a month, it got to me very +strong. It made me feel all of a sudden that I was a pretty punk patriot +lounging around in pink georgette pajamas which--believe you me--is no +costume for war-work and felt like going right off and borrowing one of +the gingham house-dresses which I have never been able to break Ma of, +only, of course, it would of been too big and anyways what would I of +done after I had it pinned around me? Which could be said of a whole lot +of folks which were rushing into uniforms of their own inventing. + +Well, anyways, after the first shock was over, I seen there was an +enclosure with the President's letter. This was from some committee +which had a big W.S.S. lable printed at the top and a piece out of the +social register printed underneath, and was dated N. Y. It begun more +personal. + +"Dear Miss La Tour," it said. "As a woman so prominent in the theatrical +world, we feel sure that you would be glad to take an active interest in +the great Thrift movement which is now before the country. Will you not +form a theatrical women's committee that will pledge the sale of +twenty-five thousand dollars' worth of stamps on the first of the month? +The first of every month will be observed as Thrift Stamp Day, and we +will be glad to furnish you with all literature, stamps, etc., if you +will notify headquarters of your willingness to do this work." + +The letter was signed by some guy which it was impossible to read his +name because he hadn't used no rubber stamp but did it by hand and had +other things on his mind. But did I care? I did not! Believe you me, I +had already decided to do like he asked, and why would I need to know +his name when I wasn't going to write to him anyways, but to Mr. Wilson? +Dancing as long as I have which is about fifteen years or since I could +walk, pretty near, and not only professionally but drawing my own +contracts from the time most sweet young things is thinking over their +graduation dresses, I have learned one thing, if no other. Always do +business with the boss. Refuse to talk to all office boys, get friendly +with the lady stenographer, if there is one, but do all business with +the one at the head--and no other! This motto has saved me no end of +time which has been spent in healthy exercise under my own roof and Ma's +eagle eye, which otherwise might have wore out the seats of +outside-office chairs. + +And so I concluded that I'd sit right down that minute and let Mr. +Wilson know I was on the job. I knew I had some writing paper someplace +and after I had took a lot of powder and chamois and old asperin +tablets out of the desk I dug it up:--a box of handsome velour-finish +tinted slightly pink, with envelopes to match. And I got hold of a pen +and some ink which Musette, my maid, had overlooked, she being a great +writer to her young man which is French and Gawd knows how fluent she +writes him in it, only of course being born over there certainly makes a +difference. + +Well, anyways, I cleaned off the desk and rubbed the cream off my nose +and hands and set down to write that letter. And--believe you me--it was +some job. I guess I must of commenced a dozen times and tore them up +with formal openings--do you get me? And then I realized that the box of +pink tinted was getting sort of low and I had better waste not want not, +and so determined to just be natural in what I wrote but not take up his +time with too long a letter. So at last I threw in the clutch, gave +myself a little gas, and we was off, to this effect. + + "My dear Mr. Wilson:-- + + "Many thanks for yours of the 25th inst. Will at once get busy at + helping to make the first of the month savings day instead of + unpaid-bill day. + + "Cordially, + "MARIE LA TOUR." + + +This seemed refined and to the point, and although I was awful tempted +to put a P.S. asking did they know anything about Jim, I left off on +account of me not believing in asking personal favors of the Government +just now, as the war office was probably medium busy and the Censor +might answer first, at that. So I just sealed it up as it was, and about +then Ma left off playing on my souvenir and came in with a pink satin +boudoir cap down tight over her head. Ma just can't seem to get over the +idea that boudoir caps at five dollars and up per each is a sort of de +lux housework garment. + +"I'm just going in the kitchen and beat up a few cakes for lunch," said +Ma, and withdrew, leaving me to lick on three cents and shoot the letter +fatefully and finally down the drop near the gilt-bird-cage elevator of +our home-like little flat. I felt awfully relieved and chesty somehow +when it was done and with her good news ringing in my ears. For Ma is +certainly some cook, and she has it all over our chef, who--believe you +me--knows she would never be missed if she went although Ma simply can't +learn to stay out of the kitchen. And while she was busy with the butter +and eggs and sugar and wheat flour, I was deciding to call a committee, +because I knew that was the way you generally start raising twenty-five +thousand dollars worth of anything, except a personal note. + +Committee meetings is comparative strangers to me except the White +Kittens Annual Ball, and a few benefit performances which last is +usually for the benefit of those which are to be in it, they leaving +aside all consideration of the benefit of the audience much less of the +charity it is supposed to be for, and the main idea being how long each +actor can hold the spotlight. You may have noticed how these benefit +performances runs on for hours. + +Well, anyways, I having been to several such as of course the best known +parlour dancing act in America and the world, like mine undoubtedly is, +is never overlooked. And I knew we had to get a place with a big table +and chairs set around it and then the committee was started. So the +White Kittens always having met in the Grand Ball Room of the Palatial +Hotel, I called up the place and hired the room for the next morning at +twelve-thirty, me being determined that my Theatrical Ladies Committee +should get there directly after breakfast. The cost of the room was one +hundred dollars, and I didn't know was the Government to pay it or us, +but I was, of course, willing to do it myself if necessary. Anyways it +was a committee-room, I knew that by reason of my having sat in it as +such at least twice each year since the place was built--way back in +'13. Then all I had to do was get my committee. + +I had just about dived for the telephone book to see who would I call +up, when Ma come in, taking off the pink satin cap and wiping her face. + +"I made a omlette," said Ma. "Come catch it before it falls!" + +And so I called it the noon-whistle though some might of called it a +day, and we went in and while we ate only a simple little lunch of the +omlette (which we got at first base) and liver and bacon and cold roast +beef and a few stewed prunes with the fresh cake, I told Ma about what +had happened, and how I had already got after the job. + +"Well, Mary Gilligan, you done the right thing!" said Ma. "And what kind +of costume are you going to wear?" + +"The notices don't say anything about a uniform," I explained to her. +"And I'm pretty sure you don't need any. This is the sort of thing our +leading society swells are taking up so heavy," I says, "and to do it is +not only patriotic but feminine to the core," I says. + +"Will you have to stand on the street-corners and worry the life out of +folks?" Ma wanted to know. + +"Not much!" I says. "That stuff is for the hoi-poli and idle rich and +kids and unemployed. That's where some of the new democracy comes in. Us +with brains is to do the office work. Them with good hearts only can do +theirselves and the country more service in the stores and street-cars +selling something that don't belong to them," I says, "and--believe you +me--I bet any American gets a funny sensation doing that little thing." + +Ma looked real impressed for a minute, showing she hadn't any idea what +I was talking about. Then she come back to her main idea with which she +had started which you can bet she always does until she gets through +with it her own self. + +"Well, I think you ought to have something for a uniform," she says. +"Say a cap and maybe a trench coat!" + +"I wouldn't wear no trench coat around the Forty-Second Street and +Broadway trenches," I says. "I wouldn't actually have the nerve to +insult the army like that!" + +And Ma seen what I meant and said no more which it certainly is +remarkable how good we get on for Mother and daughter. + +So she only urged me to have another cream-cake, which I took and then I +made for the phone and started calling up some ladies to form the +committee out of. After thinking the matter over very careful I finally +decided on six of the most prominent in my line which was, of course, +the Dahlia sisters which had been often on the same bill with me and, of +course, they ain't really related--no such team work as theirs was ever +pulled by members of the same family, unless maybe when knocking some +absent member--do you get me? Well, anyways, beside them I got Madame +Clementina Broun, the well known Lady Baritone, she being a rather +substantial party which would give weight to us in cabaret circles. Of +course Pattie The Dancer had to be asked, she being so prominent +especially as to her tights and strong pull with Goldringer but I only +done it out of diplomacy, which any one knows committees has to have a +lot of. And she is less diplomatic than me as well, for instead of just +accepting for her own self she accepts also for some friends which I had +not invited, and she did not name. Pattie is alias Mrs. Fred +Hutchins--him who gets up those reviews--you know--which is the only +reason she is starred in them for Gawd only knows a child which had been +started anywheres near right could of done her steps at the age of +seven, they being mere hard-sole clog with no arm movements but having a +great many imitators among college boys and such, that scare-crow stuff +being as showy as it is easy. + + +Well, anyways, when I had got this far I had one vacancy on my hands and +as our Allies was not sufficiently represented so far, decided on Mlle. +DuChamps which of course she was really born in Paris, Indiana, but as a +toe-dancer is unequalled in any language and has a lovely broken +accent. So there we had France. Madame Clementia was married to a +Italian and he being dead or something I never asked what I felt she was +a safe Ally because she couldn't of revolted, not if a schrapnel was to +have went off under her. Pattie was of course Irish and the Dahlias' +Jewish, and Gawd knows what the other girl was and I didn't care. + + +II + +WHEN they had all promised to get theirselves waked up on time and be +over to the Palatial, I kind of weakened on Ma's suggestion about +clothes. Of course I wasn't going to fall for that uniform stuff, but +when me and Musette looked over my clothes I simply didn't have a thing +to wear. Every one of my dresses was too morning or evening or something +and above all things I do believe in dressing a part, and certainly I +had nothing which looked like a chairmaness. So after getting into a +simple little sports costume of violet satin and my summer furs, and +taking a peep into the mail box to see had anything got by the censor +yet which of course it hadn't, I started out to buy me something which +would be quiet but tasty and snappy because nothing inspires respect in +a ladies committee like a dress none of them has seen before. + +Have you ever noticed how you can pass up something which has been right +under your nose day after day and then all of a sudden you hitch on to +something which belongs to it and then all you see is that thing--do you +get me? Say yellow kid boots. You never even noticed a pair, but one day +you buy them and next time you're out every second woman has them on. Or +you go into mourning for somebody and all of a sudden you commence +noticing how many other people is the same only of course there ain't +over the average--it's only that you notice it because you are in it. +Well, believe you me--that first afternoon I went out after receiving +the President's letter, I was that way with this W.S.S. stuff. Of course +I had bought my thousand dollars worth the first week they was out, as +had also Ma and she and I together the same for Musette. But we had done +it on the Liberty Loans the same, also Red Cross and thought we was +through and all the signs and posters and what not had come to be +invisible to me like a chewing-gum or a soap ad--do you get me? + +But now I was in it and not only did I see every sign and see them good, +but felt like I had one on my back and everybody must know about the +letter and everything. I walked kind of springy, too, in spite of the +furs, and then when I turned into the Avenue, me being on foot, a five +mile walk per day having to be got away with by me or Ma would know the +reason why, the trouble commenced. Believe you me, I must of refused to +buy thrift stamps one hundred times in twenty blocks, and every time I +said I had all I could, the look I got handed me would have withered a +publicity man. There must be a hot lot of fancy liars among us, with no +imagination, for why would W.S.S. still be on sale if everybody had +bought that much? And when I wasn't refusing to buy stamps I was forking +out quarters for everything from blind Belgian hares to Welch Rabbits +for German prisoners. And it's a good thing I had a charge account to +Maison Rosabelle's or I would never of got my dress. And the more I was +pestered to buy them stamps the madder I got. I commenced to feel it was +a regular hold up, and that the police ought to interfere. A person +which is pestered to death will even sour on the Red Cross. I don't mean +that they ain't humane, neither--only that they are human, and the most +dangerous thing to do to a human is to bore it--any one in the +theatrical professions learns that young and thoroughly. And when I +realized that I was getting bored with this constant hold-up I got a +fearful jolt and a cold chill. + +Here I was undertaking to chair a committee to sell the things and Gawd +knows my heart ought to of been in it with Jim over there and all, and +it was, only getting bored with the war is kind of natural, it being so +far off and nothing likely to do us personal bodily injury on the Avenue +unless maybe the restaurants or a auto and that our own fault. And so +soon as I realized what I was up against with the great Boredom Peril, I +realized also what I had personally in writing promised Mr. Wilson, and +took a brace. It was just like the early days on the Small-Time when the +booking depends on the hand and the hand was the one which fed us--and +not any too much at that with the carrying expenses--and the hand was +getting weaker. Me and Ma sat up all one night doping out my double +handspring with the heel-click. And it was a desperate effort and we +thought it was a flivver but not at all. When I landed on my feet after +the first try-out, I knew I was there to stay, and any intelligent +public will realize that I remembered it now. And by this time I had +reached the store I was headed for. + + +I will confess that from the moment I had decided to buy a new dress I +had my mind all set on what it was to be--something sheer and +light--printed chiffon, and a hat to go with it. But by the time I had +reached Maison Rosabelle my hunch on my new job was beginning to go +strong and one of the things that worried me was that dress. Also my +lunch. Sometimes it happens that too much of a good thing is the only +thing which will turn you against it--do you get me? And Ma's cream +cakes had this effect. Maybe had I eat less of them I would not have had +no indigestion and so not counted their cost as Lincoln, or somebody, +says. And if I hadn't had the indigestion maybe I wouldn't of worried +over the dress. Well, anyways, the first person I see inside the store +was Maison herself, very elegant and slim, only with a little too much +henna in her hair as usual. + +"Well, Masie," I said when we had got into the privacy of the art-gray +dressing room and lit a cigarette, while the girl went for some models. +"Well, Masie, I want to know is business good?" Masie is her real name +she having Frenchified it for business reasons, the same as myself. + +"Oh, dearie!" says she. "Business is elegant! With so many officers in +town, I can scarcely keep enough things in stock. The beaded georgettes +go so fast, on account of being perishable. Ruby Roselle had three last +week of me. One party and they're gone!" + +While Masie and me has been friends ever since I can remember, her +mother having been Lady Lion Tamer in the same circus with Ma and Pa's +trapeze act, as she uttered them words, I commenced feeling a little +coolness toward her. For once I get a idea in my head it's a religion to +me, and the W.S.S. was getting to me. + +"Dont you think maybe that's profiteering, Masie?" I ast. + +Maison run a well manicured hand over her marcelle and smiled +superior--she has always prided herself on being sort of high-brow and +reads _Sappy Stories_ regular. + +"Why, dearie, how you talk!" she says. "Dont you know that a little +gaiety keeps up the morale of the country?" + +"I'm not so sure about some gaiety keeping up the moral of anything!" I +says with meaning, not wishing to directly knock anybody but still +wishing Masie to get me. "And personally myself, I think any time's a +bad time to waste money on clothes which won't last!" + +"My goodness, Sweetie!" Masie shrieked. "What's gonner become of us if +ladies was to quit buying? Tell me that? How we gonner hire our help, +and all, and how can they live if we dont hire 'em? Have a heart!" she +says. "And what are you talking about--you coming in after a new dress +yourself, and only last week had two chiffons which Gawd knows ain't +chain-armour for wear!" + +"I know!" I admitted, "but I'm going to can my order. Just tell the girl +to bring gingham or something which will wash--if you got such a thing!" + +"Well, Mary Gilligan, I guess you're going nutty!" says Masie, but she +gives the order, and I choose one at $15--which could be dry-cleaned, +and that was the nearest I could come to what I was after. + +"You wont like it!" Masie warned me. "It's too cheap--better take a good +silk!" + +But I wouldn't--not on a bet. Even although what Masie said about +cutting down too much on buying stuff sounded sensible, or would if only +the question was how far can a person cut before they reach the quick? +Of course I see her point, and she had as good a right to live as me. +Yet something was wrong some place, I couldn't figure out where. So I +just charged the dress and set out for home, and owning a cotton dress +made me feel awful warlike and humble--do you get me? + +But while I felt better about my dress, the cream-cakes was still with +me, and, being now a sort of Government Official, they and that got me +noticing the food signs, as well, and wishing I had eat only a little +cereal for my lunch. That gave me a idea which on arriving home I handed +to Ma. + +"I have just bought me a wash-dress, or almost so, Ma!" I told her. "And +honest to Gawd I do think we ought to eat to match it. Suppose we was +to go on war-rations of our own free wills?" + +"Well, we eat pretty plain and wholesome now!" says Ma. "Just like we +always done!" + +"But times is different!" I says, toying with the soda-mint bottle, and +who knows but what they were being more needed abroad? "And cream-cakes +is a non-essential. Especially to one which has to keep her figure +down," I says. "So for lunch to-morrow let's have cereal only," I says. + +Well I hate to take pleasure from any one and the sight of Ma's face +when I said this would of brought tears to a glass eye. But I felt +particularly strong-minded just then what with the indigestion and no +letter from the censor yet and Gawd knows that is no joke as they are +certainly more his than Jim's by the time they get to me! But after I +had told Ma how all the caviar had ought to be sent over to the boys and +how food would win the war and how Wilson expected every man--you +know--well, she got all enthusiastic over making up a lot of cheap +recipes and we had the butcher and grocer pared down to about ninety +cents each per day. Ma could just see herself growing slim, and she kept +remembering things she used to cook for Pa in the old days before she +retired on the insurance money. And first thing you knew the time had +come for me to go to the theatre. Just as I was starting for the door Ma +mentioned Rosco, our publicity man. + +"Are you going to call him or will I?" she wanted to know. + +"About what?" I asked. + +"Why about your committee-meeting to-morrow?" she says. + +"Nothing doing!" I came back at her. "Would you invite a manager to see +a practice-act? Its going to be amateur-night for me, to-morrow is, and +no outsiders are urged to attend! And anyways, I'm not doing this for +publicity which Gawd knows I dont need any, but for my Uncle Sam!" + +"Well, thank goodness, you aint go no other relations you feel that way +about," says Ma, "or we'd all be in the poorhouse shortly!" + + +III + +Well, that night when I came home I cried myself to sleep with my head +under the pillow so's Ma wouldn't hear what I called the censor, but +slept good on account of the simple little war-supper of only lettuce +and a cup of soup which Ma had ready for me, and in the morning was up +with the lark as the poet says, only of course they was really sparrows, +it being the city. Well, anyways, I felt good and husky and as early as +eleven-thirty I was all fixed up in the new wash dress, which its a +actual fact Musette had to sew it together four separate places that it +come apart while putting it on me. The goods wasn't the quality I had +thought, come to look at them closer, but anyways it was cheap and that +was one good thing about it. Ma brought me in a shredded wheat-less +biscuit and a cup of coffee, a sort of funny look on her face like she +had taken her oath and would stick it out to the death. She didn't say +anything, only set it down and I ate it, saying nothing either because +it was what we had agreed we would get along on for breakfast. When I +was through she give me a news item. + +"The cook is leaving!" she says. "On account of the new rations." + +"That's no loss!" I says gaily, because as a general thing Ma is only +too glad when this happens. + +"I ain't so sure!" says Ma. "I'm not as young as I was, and I cant do +_all_ the cooking!" + +Well--believe you me--I sat up and took notice of that! Ma kicking at +her favorite pastime. Something was wrong. But even then I didn't get +what it was. So I just remarked we could eat our dinners at the Ritz +that being good publicity anyways and always expected of me in full +evening dress when I am dancing. So that much settled and there being no +letter yet and me being sort of nervous about that meeting which was +breaking ahead, I went and beguiled a hour at Jim's souvenir. I thought +a whole lot of that pianola, he having given it to me just before he +sailed, and as of course it was too heavy to wear over my aching heart +which is generally supposed to be done with souvenirs of loved ones +overseas, I put in a good deal of time sitting at it, and--believe you +me--my touch is a whole lot better than Ma's which me being light on my +feet by nature and business both, is not so surprising. Well, I got +myself all worked up over Jim while playing "Somewhere A Voice Is +Calling with Mandolin Arrangement" and a whole lot of expression and +what with feeling a little low on account of the patriotic breakfast, I +was just in the right frame of mind to throw myself heart and soul into +the good work before me--do you get it? You do! + + +Well, I had no sooner left the shelter of our own flat, than that same +hold-up game which I had noticed so particular the day before was +started on me. The elevator-girls, which had taken the place of a +standing yet sitting army of foreign princes which had used to clutter +up our front hall and the only excuse they had for living was the nerve +they give the landlord when he come to price the rents:--well, anyways, +the girls which had taken their places since the draft blew in, was +selling W.S.S. Of course I couldn't buy any for the same reasons as +yesterday. So they sprung a working girls War Crippled Aid Fund and I +contributed to that, because I believe in girls running elevators. Why +wouldn't they, when thousands has run dumb-waiters so good for years? +Well, anyways, I give them something and escaped to the street only to +be lit on for stamps by the first small boy I met. And after only seven +others had tried me, I got to the Palatial Hotel, and--believe you +me--by that time worried pretty severely about how could a person sell +twenty-five thousand dollars worth of the pesky things and not get slain +by some impatient citizen who felt that I was the last camel and his +back was broke, or whatever the poet says? Really, it was serious, and +being the first of the Theatrical Ladies to arrive, the big ballroom +with the table and seven empty chairs like a desert island in the middle +of the floor, failed to cheer me any. + +Well, there was a arm-chair at one end of the table and there being +nobody around to either elect me or stop me, I grabbed off this chair +and held to it with the grim expression of a suburbanite who knows her +husband isn't coming but wont admit it, and a good thing I acted prompt +as should be done in all war-measures, because pretty soon the other +ladies commenced arriving. I guess they must of thought they could get a +better part by coming early, they was so prompt, and by one o'clock they +was actually all there except Pattie and her unknown friend, which was +pretty good, the date having been twelve-thirty. + +Well, we all shook hands and I arose from my seat but didn't move a inch +away from it, having seen something of committee meetings where the +wrong person had it. And then they all sat down and took in my dress and +hat and I theirs, and we was very amiable and refined and I felt so glad +I had picked such a good bunch and wished Pattie would hurry so's we +could commence, when lo! as the poet says, my wish was granted, for in +come Pattie and with her her friend and My Gawd, if it wasn't Ruby +Roselle! + +Well, far be it from me to say anything about any lady, only pro-Germans +is pro-Germans by any other name, as Shakespeare says, provided you can +find it out, and here she was, butting in on a gathering of would-be +Dolly Madisons and Moll Pritchers and everything, and I wouldn't of +invited her for the world if only Pattie had mentioned her name. But +here she was, all dressed up like a plush horse and so friendly it got +me worried right away. Any one which has seen Ruby in her red, white and +blue tights will at once realize what I mean, though nothing but the +tights was ever proved against her. What on earth she wanted with our +committee was very suspicious because why would she ever of taken a +expensive and difficult present like a baby alligator from a German +which she once done, if not pro, her own self? + +But time for starting something had sure come, if we was ever to get any +lunch, so I got them all seated and commenced--a little weak in the +knees which it was a good thing I was seated, but strong in the voice, +so as to start the moral right--do you get me? + +"Ladies of the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee," I began, being +determined not to waste no time on formalities, which it has always +seemed to me that on such occasions a lot of gas is used up in them +which would have run the machine quite a ways if applied properly. We +all knew we was the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee and I was the +chairman, so why waste words making me it? "Ladies," I says, "I have a +letter from President Wilson asking me to get to work, and so have +formed a committee to sell twenty-five thousand dollars worth of War +Savings Stamps on the first of the month. I sat right down and wrote him +I would do it, and here we are. Of course this being the twenty-eighth +of the month the notice is short. Probably he didn't expect us really to +get to work until next month, but personally, myself, I think we should +surprise him by getting the money by Saturday night, which Saturday +night is the first. Now, you Committee Ladies is here to discuss how +will we do it. I would be glad to hear ideas, suggestions and etc." + +Well, nobody said anything for a few minutes only Ruby put a little +powder on her nose and looked at it critical in her vanity case mirror, +which well she might for Gawd knows she had powder enough on her +already. Then Madame Broun, the Lady Baritone, cleared her throat. + +"I would be glad to give a recital," she said, swelling up her neatly +upholstered black satin bosom, "and turn over the money it brings in. I +presume the Government would hire the theatre for me." + +"Well," I says, "that is a real nice suggestion only not quite +practical. You see it wouldn't be right to ask the Government to pay for +the theater in case it was a wet Monday and only a few came in out of +the rain. Any more ideas?" + +The blond Dahlia sister spoke up then. + +"Whatever you suggest goes with me, Marie," she says, which was terrible +sweet of her, only it's a darn sight easier to give a proxy than a good +suggestion, which I did not however mention, Blondie being a real fine +Jewish American and a willing worker as I well knew. + +"I thought of course it was a benefit we would give," put in Pattie in a +voice which just plain dismissed every other possibility. "I have a new +patter to 'Yankee Doodle' with a red, white and blue spot on me, at +front center with the rest of the house dark. It ought to go big about +the center of the programme." + +After which modest little suggestion she sunk gracefully back into her +seat and commenced shadow-tapping the tune with her feet under the +committee table. + +"Well, benefits is always possible," I said, "and of course we could +have it with admission by W.S.S. only. But it's been done a lot and +three days ain't so very much time in which to get it up in a way which +would do your act justice," I says. + +"Ah! _cheries!_" says Mlle. DuChamp. "Mes petites!" she says, whatever +that was. "I have zee gran' idea--perfect! I will make zee speach on zee +steps of zee Library of zee Public at Forty-Second Street and Feeth +Avenoo. I will arise, I will stretch my han', I will call out +'Cityonnes! 'Urry up queek! Your countree call you--Formez vos +battillions!' and while I make zee dramatic appeal zee ozzers can +collect twenty-five t'ousand dollar from zee breathless crowd!" + +She had got up on her box-toed shoes and was making the grandest +gestures you ever see. Honest to Gawd I do believe that girl has herself +kidded into believing that the Paris she was born in was France, not +Ind. I kind of waved at her, and when she had flopped back into her +place, completely overcome by her emotions, I suggested that maybe the +Library wasn't as Public as it looked, being generally occupied of a +fine afternoon by wounded soldiers making the same line of talk, and of +course Mlle. DuChamps would be more _chic_ and all that, but would she +be let? + +"Of course she wouldn't!" says Ruby, coming out of her vanity-case for a +minute. "Of course not! My idea is that we all chip in say about seven +thousand five hundred and let it go at that!" + +Somehow this cheap-Jack way of getting out of doing any work by spending +a little money, got my goat something fierce. Besides which it was +Ruby's idea of patriotism and all against W.S.S. rules and everything, +but for the minute I was so floored I couldn't speak. The dark Dahlia +did it for me, though, and much more contained than I could of at the +time. + +"That's mighty generous, Miss Roselle," she says just as sweet, "only +you see me and Blondie has each got our thousand dollars worth and one +person can't get more," she says. + +"Well, I'll take a thousand dollars worth then," said Ruby, and I could +see very plain that the matter was finished in her mind, and what would +you expect different after them patriotic tights of hers? + +"I'll take a thousand also," put in Madame Broun. "To tell the right +truth I haven't a one. What do you do with them--stick them on the backs +of letters like Tuberculosis, or Merry Xmas?" + +Well, we explained they was not a additional burden to the postman but +more or less of a investment. And then the awful truth come out that +Pattie hadn't none either and that Mlle. DuChamps had always thought +they was to put on tobacco boxes and candy and everything you stored up +in the house to eat, though Gawd only knows how she got that idea except +of course it's the truth that most people is boobs, outside of their +own line, more's the pity! + + +Well, anyways, we took in four thousand right then and there and so all +that remained was twenty-one. Ruby undertook to sell another three among +her personal friends, and the Dahlias said they thought they could raise +as much more between theirselves. Then when Mlle. DuChamps and Madame +Broun had concluded to take on three apiece there was eleven thousand +dollars worth of friendless little stamps with nobody to love them but +me. Well, with no better schemes than benefits and concerts and talks in +sight, I see it was up to me to bite off the biggest slice of pie +myself, so I said I'd take the remainder. Of course with my influence +and name and all I would of had no trouble getting rid of them only by +asking prominent men like Goldringer and Rosco and the Dancing Trust +people beside a few more personal ones. And then when we had got this +far I see some of the ladies commence looking at their wrist-watches for +other reasons than to show they had them, and so hustled up the last of +the business which was merely how would we print our forms for +subscribers to fill out. Ruby suggested a gilt-edge card tinted violet +with whatever lettering I chose, and while I didn't care for it I +agreed, being hungry myself. + +"I do think it is awful fine of you to take on that big amount," said +Pattie. "But you always was generous, Marie, I will say that for you." + +"Ladies!" I said. "No thanks where they dont belong. Because I am +undertaking this sale for far other reasons than you suppose." + +But since everybody by then plainly cared more for their lunch than my +reasons we parted, agreeing to send the money to my place on Sunday +morning. + + +IV + +But I will here set down my unspoken reasons, which was that fine as it +is to walk out to your rich friends and pluck a thousand worth of stamps +per each off them and of course nobody but thinks the rich should have +them, too, I had a strong hunch that the reason for selling stamps at +five dollars or even two bits, was because every one could get in on a +good thing that way. Somehow there seemed something too up-stage about +going in only for the high spots, and after ordering the cards I hurried +home full of determination to make a stab at selling to the common herd +and with a terrible appetite and anxious as could be over the one +o'clock mail. + +Well, the last two was doomed to a immediate disappointment because the +censor was sitting just as tight as ever and there was only cereal for +lunch. Believe you me it give me sort of a jolt when I sat down to so +little and Ma's face was not any too cheering. We commenced to eat in +silence which being both perfect ladies was the only thing to do as it +was also burned. But after a minute Ma lay down on the job. She pushed +her dish over toward me in disgust. + +"Try that on your piano, Mary Gilligan!" she says. + +"Well, Ma, you know what war is," I says. "And we'll get a good meal at +the Ritz to-night to make up!" + +Well, anyways, sustained more by patriotism than by what I had eat, I +set out to put over a scheme I had all hatched out in my head for using +places which was already kind of organized, as my selling agents--do you +get me? And the first place I went was to Maison Rosabelle's +because--believe you me--that cheap dress I had bought off her needed a +plastic surgeon by then. Maison was as usual giving a unconscious +imitation of a trained seal, switching gracefully around the store with +a customer which she was hypnotizing into all forgetfulness of prices. +But finally I got her alone long enough to express what I thought about +the dress and any lady will be able to imagine what that was. Then I +asked her could she fall in with my scheme which was on Saturday to take +only Thrift Stamps or W.S.S. for each purchase and sell them the stamps +herself. Maison didn't enthuse over the idea, though she's rich at that. + +"Why, dearie! Not on a bet!" she said. "It ain't that I'm not patriotic, +but this establishment is _exclusive!"_ + +Well, I seen there was no use arguing with her, and I guess there never +is with a woman which is marcelle-waved every day of her life, not to +mention that cheap fake of a dress. Next one I buy of her without a +guarantee will be for her funeral! So I just left her flat and went over +to Chamberlin's. Of course it takes a whole lot more brains to run a +enormous cabaret and restaurant like his than Maison has to use if less +nerve, he not coming personally into contact with the customers like she +does, and I counted on this. I went in by the main door where a lady sat +selling W.S.S. and she bored me to death with them while a captain went +to find Chamberlin. When I seen him coming I tried to assume that +sprightly and convincing manner of the sidewalk W.S.S. hounds, but was +overcome with that deep seated sense of being about to make a flivver, +which also shows on most of them. However, Chamberlin was a genial good +soul and was crazy over stamps. But he had beat me to it on the +admission only by buying stamps on Saturday night. + +"Better try among your rich friends, Miss La Tour!" he says. "And you'll +be surprised how many you'll sell. That's the easiest way unless you use +a gun!" + +"I don't want to sell to my friends," says I. "I want to sell to +everybody--get folks to chip in. The chipping-in idea is what is so +good--get together and all that." + +Well, believe you me--after this I tried a dozen places and every one of +them, stores and all, where I had any influence or charge account, had +got theirselves so full of W.S.S. schemes that I felt like a helpless +babe in arms as the poet says, before I was through. There was no room +for my little $11,000 worth any place: they had all stocked up, and what +to do next I had no idea. + +On the way to the Ritz that night Ma didn't talk steady like she usually +does and seemed kind of low in her mind, and maybe in her stomach also +which I was the same by then. Not to mention the censor which it is +better not to for fear I might say what I thought and he a Government +official. + +But anyways no sooner was we inside the hotel than two society swells +tackled us for W.S.S. Oh, they was democratic, just! They spoke right to +us, and everything! But my goat was got by it. + +"A regular hold-up!" I whispered to Ma. And as I spoke them fateful +words I remembered that I owned a gun, which it was left from a piece I +done for the movies and I had kept it for a souvenir. Of course I +dismissed the thought at once like the sensible woman I am. But somehow +it wouldn't exactly stay away. + +Did you ever get to seeing things as they really was and wondering why +on earth people go through such a lot of motions pretending things is +not what they seem, as some guy so truly says--do you get me? As soon as +I had said "hold-up" I realized that that was just what was being done. +And when I realized that it was _necessary_ to hold up people in order +to get them to make a safe investment which would earn them a good net +profit while saving their fool lives, I got so raving mad that a gun +seemed too good for them. And mad at myself, too, for not seeing sooner +how much my own Jim's welfare was hanging onto my shoulders. Somehow up +to then I had really a idea that the bunch down in Washington was +relieving me of all trouble and responsibility about this war. But now I +seen it wasn't so. If the G.A.P. or Great American People was actually +such boobs that they didn't flock up and wish their life savings onto +such a scheme, they had ought to be made to, same as Ma used to hold my +nose for my own good and believe you me--I can taste that oil to this +day! + +Well, anyways, this philosophy stuff kept going through my mind while +running up a considerable check which Gawd knows we needed it or the +undertaker would of conscripted us. And then all of a sudden who did I +see but Ruby Roselle only two tables away and with her a husky young +lounge-lizzard which goes around with her a lot--you know--one of the +kind whose favorite flower is the wild oat, but never has anything to +spend but the evening. And him and Ruby had their heads together and was +watching me like the German spies in a movie which every one in the +audience spots except their victims which of course are looking at the +director close up front which is certainly the only reason they are +fooled. + +Well, anyways, I was surprised to see Ruby because Broadway places is +more her speed, and I never see her in such refined surroundings before. +But I realizing about her kind of patriotism I commenced wondering +wasn't she there to watch me? Though for what reason I had no idea. + +That night after the show, I asked Goldringer wouldn't he use the +admission by W.S.S. Saturday, and he wouldn't because he had it on for +one of his other theatres. And so I went home in despair and a taxi, and +was further cheered by a empty letter-box. + +In the morning the cards come--a thousand of them--and certainly more +elegant looking than I had expected, I will say that for Ruby and +reading as follows: + +"The Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee will deliver to ............ of +............ worth of W.S.S. stamps on presentation of this card. +Payment for same is hereby acknowledged." + +Then came a blank which it was up to me to fill in. Well, I didn't +hesitate and after a hearty breakfast of crackers and milk and weak tea, +I tied up the lace sleeves of my negligee and set to work at signing +them. Believe you me, before I was done I quite see why President Wilson +used a rubber stamp! But I didn't weaken until noon, when any one would +have on the meal I'd had. And by then they was finished anyways and +every one of them valid and as good as my cheque. Then just as I was +feeling proud of myself in come Ma and I could see at once she was going +to take a fall out of me in her sweet womanly way. + +"If you ain't too busy with your war work," says Ma very gentle but +firm, "I'd like to talk to you about something before we set down to +the skeleton lunch which is waiting and can be continued in our next for +all I care!" she says. + +Well, I got that gone-around-the-middle feeling which I always get when +Ma gives me a certain look, just like I used to when she'd tell me soap +was good for washing out the mouths of kids which had told a lie. And so +I just set there and listened. + +"Now, Mary Gilligan," she commenced. "Do you know the size of the cheque +you signed over to the hotel last night?" + +"About twelve-fifty," I says sort of getting a glimmer. + +"When your Pa and me was married he give me twelve a week for all our +meals!" she says, and set back and folded her hands in a way which said +all she hadn't. + +"But times has changed," I says sort of feeble. + +"But appetites has not!" says Ma. "And how can you keep in good training +on this war-nonsense?" she wanted to know. "Not to mention me, which it +might improve my figure but never my disposition?" + +"But how about making war sacrifices and all, Ma?" I says. "Jim ain't +eating like we done up till yesterday!" + +"Nor he ain't eating twelve dollar dinners at the Ritz, neither," she +reminds me, at which of course I shut up and she went on. "Now I dont +believe being stingy to ourselves is really gonner help the war. You +have strode in upon my department for once, Mary Gilligan, and I'm going +to put you out! You don't know where to economize and I do. No more +eating out, and a good sensible table at home, minus cream cakes," she +says, "is what we do from now on!" + +And with that she marches out leaving me flat as one of her own +pan-cakes. Well, this was bad enough, but when Musette got after me as I +was dressing to go for my five miles, I seen that my humbling for the +day was not finished. + +"That dress Madam bought yesterday," she began. + +"You can have it!" I said, beating her to it, or so I thought. + +"Thank you, I do not care for it," says Musette. "I was just remarking +it is really not fit to wear again. Madam would of done better to pay a +little more!" + +Can you beat it? You can not! Two falls from one pride! Believe you me I +took _some_ walk that afternoon, and if I had wore a speedomiter I bet +it would have registered a lot over five miles. And while I was walking +I kept getting madder and madder and more and more worked up over what +boneheads people was and how was a person to economize nowadays and how +on earth would I sell all them stamps by Saturday night with a matinée +in between and keep my promise to President Wilson? It begun to look +like I was going to have to become one of them sidewalk pests. I got a +real good picture of myself going up to the proud or pesky passer-by, +and getting turned down so often that my spirit was bent thinking of it. + +But--believe you me--I made up my mind that if I had to hold up anybody +to make them invest in the World's Soundest Securities or W.S.S. I would +hold them up good and plenty and no disguise about it. I thought again +about my revolver, the one which I had used it in the movies when I done +"The Dancer's Downfall" for them and kept it for a souvenir. I was that +wrought up over the situation that by the time I got home I had pretty +near decided I'd take that fire-arm to the theatre and lock the doors +and come down front center and shoot out one of the lights to show I +meant it and then take the money right off the audience. The theatre +being my native element it seemed only natural to pull the trick there, +only being a lady the gun really did look a little rough only not more +so than the public deserved. + + +V + +WELL, anyways, I was certainly up against it with all them blanks still +on my hands and no way in sight of getting rid of them. And just to make +things nice and pleasant, what do I see when I come on the stage that +night but Ruby Roselle and her pet lounge-lizzard which were sitting in +a box. She certainly seems to go in for reptiles for pets. And no sooner +did I get off after my eighth curtain call, than around she comes to my +dressing room and hands me a check for her stamps and for the ones she +had undertaken to sell and already had. + +"I suppose yours is all sold too!" says Ruby. "You are so efficient, +dearie!" + +"Oh, mine are all right!" I snapped. "Or will be by this time +to-morrow." + +"Why, ain't they gone?" she cooed. And did I wish for my gun? I did! +"Ain't you give any of them cards out yet?" she says. + +"No!" I says. "But I will--I'll commence with you, dear Miss Roselle," I +says. "And here you are"--and I filled out the receipt cards which I had +a few in my vanity case for emergencies, and give them to her. When she +took them I noticed she had a awful funny look in her eye, but at the +time it meant nothing to me. Alas! Would I had heeded it more--but +no--solid ivory! Solid ivory! I passed it up completely. And Ruby +grabbed the cards, collected her new pet animal, and went away. + +Well, my state of mind that night was distinctly poor, even after the +nice little well-ballanced war-ration of hot chocolate and corn bread +with brown sugar which Ma had for me and delicious as anything you ever +ate if she did get the recipe out of a newspaper and they so unreliable +nowadays. But no letter from Jim, and so after I had asked Ma if she +thought it was right to wear black, I went to bed and fell into a +exhausted sleep which lasted well on toward the box-office man's +afternoon on, because Ma always lets me sleep late when I have to dance +twice. + +Well, anyways, I was so rushed getting to the theatre for the matinée +that I hadn't no time to try any of that sidewalk stuff, only I did get +a cheque from each of the other committee members and told Ma to send +them receipt cards. And did I feel cheap? I _did!_ A flivver, that was +what I had made. But so long as Jim was surely dead by now, I didn't +care for myself. Only my promise to Mr. Wilson made a lump in my throat +while doing my three hand-springs and the "Valse Superb," which shows +how bad I felt. And what do you know, when I took my encore, there was +Ruby Roselle again, down in front and all alone. + +This got about the last butt out of my goat and I sent an usher to get +her, but Ruby had went before the usher had made up her mind to +undertake the mission. I was just about wild all the way home, and the +sight of Ma's face when I got there almost made me cry it was that sweet +and friendly. Honest to Gawd when Ma has got her own way about anything +she is just lovely to be with! And having got the kitchen back and the +grandest dish of baked beans all full of molasses and salt pork for +dinner, she was feeling fine and I was the same under her influence and +even let her play "Sing Me to Sleep" with the loud pedal on Jim's +souvenir afterwards and never said a word to her about it, though +suffering while I listened. And then it was time to go back to the +theatre and I took Musette and that whole box of gilt edged securities +which seemed no good to nobody, but I took them, and a good yet bad +thing I did, for on the way downtown I decided what to do, and when I +got there, called the ushers and gave them instructions and a little +something else by way of promoting kindly feelings. And then with +beating heart I beat it for the dressing room and commenced rubbing on +my make-up cream with trembling fingers. + + +Did you ever make one of them critical decisions which you knew in your +heart you was actually going to carry it through and no camouflage, even +if it killed you and it very likely to? Well, when I decided to make a +speech right out in public I got that feeling--do you get me? And any +Elk or other lodge member which attends annual banquets will know what I +mean. Honest to Gawd I nearly missed my cue, and after I finally got on +the stage the dance I did must of been either automatic or a +inspiration and I don't know why they liked it out in front, but they +did. All I personally myself could hear was "Ladies and Gentleman, I +want to speak a word to you,"--You know! And hand-springs in between! +Well of course when I come out for my first encore I didn't have the +wind to say nothing--But my eyes was as good as ever and there in a box +was Ruby Roselle again! + +Believe you me--that was a jolt and a half! Here she had come to give me +the laugh I had no doubt, and somehow after the second call my wind was +all of a sudden back good and strong, and with it came my courage. For I +wouldn't of been downed by her, not for anything! + +So stepping foreward in a modest manner I held up my hand and the house +got quiet and listened. As I have said, the show was at the Spring +Garden, and it's awful big and I had never knew how full of silence it +could be until I heard the sound of my own voice all alone in it. But +after a minute I got used to it, and so interested in trying to convince +the folks, that I didn't care. + +"Ladies and Gentlemen," I says. "This is going to be a plain, good +old-fashioned hold-up! If you listen hard, maybe you'll hear the screams +of the women and children, and the groans of the wounded pocket-books! +Far be it from me to do anything so unrefined as to actually use a gun +on you," I says, "but I'm going to do the next thing to it. I'm going to +sell eleven thousand dollars worth of W.S.S. right here and now, and you +are going to buy them. I know all of you has probably been buying them +all day and is sick of them, but I have personally promised President +Wilson to do as much by to-night without fail and you must help me make +good. And no matter how many you have bought," I says, "unless you have +a thousand dollars worth you can spend another ten or so apiece. Now, as +I say, I know this is a hold-up, because it is meant to be. And any +public which can sit here in a theatre and feel anoyed at having to buy +a few stamps when a million of our boys is over in far-away, sort of +unreal France, giving their lives, had ought to have a machine gun +turned on them from this stage instead of a line of talk! Probably this +is the first time in the history of finances that it has been necessary +to jolly a crowd into making a good investment. If I was selling stock +in a fake gold mine," I says, "you would probably be climbing on the +stage to get it! Now will everybody willing to take ten dollars worth +kindly stand up?" + +There was a few laughs, and a few people got up here and there, sort of +shamefaced. + +"Come on!" I says. "Come on--are you all cripples? You over there--only +ten dollars--save it on next months grocery bill--all right--save it on +your auto bill!" + +A few more got up then, but not nearly enough and I caught sight of +Goldringer in the wings by then and not having warned him what I was +going to do, I could tell by his expression that I mustn't hold the +stage too long or a militaristic system would right away be born in our +theatre. So I got desperate. + +"No more!" I called. "Oh, come on get up! Will I send for crutches, or +are you only shy? Remember, I got that money promised! Only ten dollars +each!" + +But no more stirred. For a minute I thought my flivver was complete, and +then I got a idea. I went over and beckoned to George, the orchestra +leader, and shaking all over at my own nerve, I whispered to him. +George grinned and passed along the whisper to his crew, and in another +minute that audience was standing, every last one of them, and--believe +you me--the Star Spangled Banner had never sounded so good to me before! + +Well, anyways, my pep all come back and I jumped off the stage as I see +the ushers couldn't possibly handle the orders alone, and wait or no +wait, the way that audience took my hold-up was something grand, it was +that good natured, although of course a Broadway crowd gets sort of +hardened to having their money taken away from them roughly. They was +lambs, and took cards so fast I couldn't have shuffled them good if it +had been a game. + +Well, anyways, when I finally got back to my dressing-room and the +trained animals had come on at last--believe you me--I was all in, but +not a card left, and not alone eleven thousand dollars but +thirteen-fifty in actual cash! I didn't worry none about having too much +as I never see a committee yet which couldn't use more money than it had +ast for, the White Kittens always having a deficit. And then I just put +the boodle away safe in my tin make-up box which I had emptied because +it locked good, and took me and Musette and it home to Ma. + +Well, that was about all for that, and I had a fine sleep that night +after sending the President a wire telling him I had the money all +right. And if only the censor had loosened up, I would have been +perfectly happy, with all that cash in my little Burglar's Delight over +the mantle-piece and a good real energy-making breakfast coming to me in +the morning. + + +But alas for false security, as the poet says. No sooner had Ma and me +ate breakfast next morning than in came Musette and says there are two +gentlemen outside wants to see me. Well, it seems they wouldn't give +their names so I says show them in for on account of Ma always making us +dress in real clothes for breakfast Sundays, it was alright. + +Well, in come two gentlemen then, and it was easy to see one was a cop. +Why he didn't have green whiskers or something I dont know because the +one citizen you can always spot is a cop, and that tweed suit was no +disguise, although he seemed to think so. I got a awful funny feeling in +my stomach at this sight although there was nothing on my mind but my +hair pins. The other was a gentleman and no disguise about him, and I +sort of took to him right away and dropped my society-comedy manner +which is such a good weapon of defense against strangers because I knew +right away he would see through it on account of him being the real +thing. + +"Miss LaTour?" he says politely. + +"Yes," I says, "what can I do for you?" + +"Alias Mary Gilligan?" says the cop, which was right in character and +hadn't ought to of got Ma's goat like it done. + +"Alias nothing!" says Ma. "Gilligan is her right name and you can see my +marriage certificate and the date is on it plain!" + +"Better leave this to me for a moment, O'Rourke," says the nice +gentleman, about Pa's age, he must have been. Then he turns to me while +the cop took a back seat. + +"Miss LaTour," the gent. began, "I am one of the local W.S.S. +committee--Pioneer Division--Pierson Langton is my name. And I have come +to see you concerning your sale last night!" + +Well--believe you me--the minute I heard his name I had him spotted! One +of the F. F. V's of N.Y. and I had often seen his name in the paper +with war-work and all. + +"Do sit down, both!" I says real cordial. "I am so glad to see you! It's +kind of you to come, because of course I was going to bring you the +money the first thing in the morning! Just wait till I get my make-up +box!" + +And without giving him time to say another word I hurried out and got +it, the cop watching me with his hand on his hip. When I come back and +give Mr. Langton the box and key, he looked real surprised. + +"Twenty-five thousand cash!" I says. "Would you mind counting it?" He +give me one of the funniest looks I ever had handed out, but he done +like I asked. Then he got up, box under one arm, and bowed, and sat down +again. + +"Miss LaTour," he said. "I think I win a bet with our friend O'Rourke, +here! I was sure you were all right. Your reputation was on the face of +it too valuable for such an open fraud. And your utter disingenuousness +is the final proof!" + +"Fraud! What do you mean?" I gasped. + +"There's been a complaint about your selling W.S.S. without no +authority!" says O'Rourke at this. "Entered last night by Miss Ruby +Roselle. We got your cards here, that she handed in. But you ain't got +no stamps! I dont know but what we ought to make a arrest, Mr. Langton!" + +"I will be obliged to you if you will let the matter drop for the +moment," says Mr. Langton. "This young lady acted in good faith, I am +convinced. And now, Miss LaTour, perhaps you will tell us how this all +came about?" + +Well, did I tell him? I did! I never told anything readier. And then I +took out the President's letter which I had it on me, and told how I had +writ to him at once, partially because I couldn't read the other fellows +name. + +"I accept the reproof," said Mr. Langton. "I will get a rubber-stamp +to-morrow!" + +Then his eyes twinkled at me in the nicest way, and I twinkled back, and +after that I knew the cop hadn't a chance of running me in, which was a +big relief, for my hands felt like a couple of clams, about then, I was +so scared. + +"So you ain't mad?" I says to Mr. Langton. + +"Not a bit!" he says. "I think it can all be straightened out. But of +course you understand that what you did was a trifle--er--irregular. If +you will come down to headquarters to-morrow and meet the members of +our board, we will be glad to assist you in forming a more regular +organization." + +And I said I would, and then we all said good-by real friendly, even the +cop. And I felt awful sort of excited and scared and glad that Ruby had +pulled that stuff, for if she hadn't I might actually of gone to jail, I +could see that plain enough now! And so, to let off a little steam when +they had all gone I sat down to my souvenir and started off "Over There +in Four Handed Arrangement." Then just as I had got it going good, Ma, +who was reading the Sunday paper, gave a holler. I turned around quick, +and there her eyes was popping out of her head and glued to the front +page. + +"Jim!" she shrieked. "My Gawd!" + +Well, how I reached that paper I don't know, but somehow I did and there +it was right in the middle column. + + "American Dancer Now An Ace. James La Tour Brings Down Three Enemy + Planes In One Afternoon." + +Oh, my heavens! Didn't I yell, just! And me knocking the newspapers and +the censor. And all the time Jim had been merely too busy to write! + + + + +III + +HOLY SMOKES + + +I + + Palatial Apartments, + 0256 Riverside Drive, + New York City, + U. S. A. America. + (Kindly forward if on tower) + Passed by censor. + +DEAR MARY: + +Well say little one, I am certainly glad your health, new contracts and +the two fool dogs is both doing so nicely and as for the cigarettes they +were O.K. not to say swell. Only dearie, it ain't hardly necessary to +have my monogram on the next lot for Fritz has never waited for me to +catch up to him so's I could offer him one and he's about the only +person would be impressed by the J. La T. because our own boys kid me +about any little thing like that on account of their knowing me to be +your dancing-partner and not to mention husband and they are still slow +to realize that it takes a real he-man to swing you around my neck +twenty times like we do in the Tango de Lux, and I have to continually +keep showing them. + +Then another good reason for no gold monogram is that the price of same +would cover quite a bunch of cheap smokes and dearie handing them about +is more to me than my own personal vanity and would be the same with my +shirts if necessary, while over here in distant Belgium I realise it was +also a waste to have them embroidered on the sleeve because the dam +chinaman always used to mark them up with monograms of his own anyways. + +Speaking of money we used to spend on un-essentials before the war, I +tell you dearie we certainly learn in the army, especially since getting +into this recaptured territory, that many objects we would have swore +could not be done without is laid off like the extra people after the +ball-room scene and nobody misses them until somebody sends over one of +them--like them monogramed smokes of yours. Immediately I got them I +commenced to think about little old B'way and dry-martinis and my +little old roadster with the purple body and the red wheels, and us +dancing at the palatial with the juice full on us, red and green, violet +and amber. Oh Kid! it made me home-sick!! But then we got a order to +start on cleaning up after them Botches again and so I forgot everything +but you and my new step--which was forward, double line! + +Well, sweetie, now about this smokes question. Of course your Ma having +been with the circus is used to giving up things, as naturally in a +trapese-act such as hers used to be she would need all the nerve she had +and even eating a welsh rabbit would of been a wild party to her. The +center ring is no joke and forty feet above it on a trapese from the +center canvas less so. But trapese work has not yet been offered to the +Allies except mebbe Itily on them mountains and any lady which starts a +society to keep smokes from soldiers may be strong in morals but is +surely weak in the head, which I never knew your Ma to be before. She +being always not only a lady but a great little picker on contracts and +what would we of done without her that time Goldringer tried to slip the +"satisfactory to the Goldringer Theatrical Productions Corp." stuff +over on us and she spotted it? + +But for the love of liberty can this idea of hers about it not being +good for the boys to smoke and make her quit worrying about us tearing +around France learning no new sins. For sweetie the crimes a man can +committ on whats left of his pay after the alotment is took out and the +insurance and the liberty bonds instalments would be sanctioned by +anybody in the country even if his coller buttoned up the back. For take +it or leave it, liquor, ladies and lyrics is as expensive here as north +of 42nd str., and our pay dont go for them even after distracting the +above. + +Why me and a fellow went off on leave to a general store in a town which +I couldn't spell for you much less mention it, even if permitted. But +anyways we went to it and Mac bought some winterweights and they was +four-fifty a pair and no better than the U.S. seventy-five cent kind, +and I got two pair socks a dollar per each and two bananas for 25c, +which only goes to show everything here is terrible expensive except +nessessaties. So dont let your Ma worry over me spending my remaining +nickel on vice. + +I note what you say about the way folks at home get your goat by passing +the buck on war-reliefs--if it's chocolet they say they've just given to +tobacco, if it's tobacco they just bought a W.S.S., and if it's W.S.S. +they just got a hatful of bonds, or if it's bonds they just give their +last cent to chocolet--passing the buck all along the line. Well dearie, +I guess mebbe that's their way of getting a little war-relief of their +own, but as you say why would they need any relief when the fact that +they are for the most part without cooties ought to be relief enough in +itself? Let alone having to dodge only taxi cabs and bill-collectors +instead of shells. Only of course we dont have to do that now, only +shell-holes, and dodge them in a hurry to get one last look at the +German army before it puts on its good old soup and fish--or whatever +the German for civilized clothing is, that is if they have any. + +But you are right girlie, to boost the smokes. We'll need them for a +long while yet. I know you have been obliged to keep your own from your +Ma and what with not really caring for peppermints it has been hard all +these years. But while her trapeese work stood alone in its day and no +one on Broadway is more respected at this writing and as a +mother-in-law I have no complaint on her outside of her wearing my +dress-pumps, this one time she is dead wrong. Soldiers are not always +acrobats and they do need to smoke and your Ma will put herself in the +small-time reform class if she dont look out. When I think of the stuff +I seen up and down Broadway and elsewhere in my days which could be +reformed and no one miss it, I get hot when I hear this talk about +keeping the army pure. Take it or leave it, but the truth is the Huns +has kept us pure alright--they sweat all the wickedness out of us +running after them. + +But to get back to the tobacco stuff. Dont let nothing hinder you from +bothering everybody you see to send smokes. We'll use 'em up never fear! +And if you was to be walking down the Avenue or mebbe Broadway sometime +and a box in your hand and asking for Smoke Funds or something whichever +way its done--and your Ma was to fight her way through the howling mob +which would undoubtedly be surrounding you on account of course the best +known parlor-dancing act in America and the world wouldn't walk out +looking for funds and not draw a mob which was only too glad to see you +for five cents in the smoke-fund-box instead of two dollars in the box +office--well, anyways, if your Ma was to force her way through this mob +which with her weight she could do easily, why she would forgive you in +the end if not right there on the street, and I believe that a +hand-organ would start and play hearts and flowers at that. + +Anyways, keep up the good work only never mind the monograms as long as +they taste like tobacco and can be lit. And if you fall out with Ma just +tell her this story which I will tell you and she will see mebbe God +didn't put tobacco in the world merely for little slum children to pluck +on their two weeks vacation in all its green beauty. + +Well, the story is like this sweetie, and I will write it as good as I +can and if it seems comicle go ahead and get a good laugh only take it +or leave it, it was no comedy at the time. But if you was to news it +around mebbe the folks at home would start dropping something beside +coppers in them soda-fountain boxes you was talking about, and commence +trying to squeeze a quarter through the slot now and again. Come to +think of it, the biggest thing a copper penny can buy is the feeling a +person gets from dropping one in a Belgium milk bottle or home for +crippled children or Merry Xmas for the Salvation Army. You know the +cheap chest it gives you. Many a liberty bond has been left in the +Govts. hands by a prospective buyer stumbling on a "drop a penny" box in +a cigar store on his way to the cupon-cutters, or I miss my guess. I've +done the same in my day and the man who says he aint raised his own +stock with himself by giving a nickle to the Newsboys Annual Outing is +as big a liar as the guy which says he never loved another girl. And if +pennies was to be cut out of the currency a whole lot of cheap +philanthropists would have to make their conscience work or fight. + +Well, anyways you go right on boosting the smoke-fund and never mind Ma. +She'll learn different some day. + +Now about this story I was going to tell you. First off leave me explain +that the drinking regulations over here is different to uniforms than on +the Rialto and America. I hunch it that the managers and booking agents +and so forth in the U. S. Military Amusements Co. inc. figure that a few +of the rules have to be let down while the big show is on. Same as the +stars can lean against a No Smoking sign on the big time and roll a +makin's quite openly. So when on leave and even sometimes in the +dressing-room or I should say rest-billets a bottle of wine is not out +of order. Very different sweetie, from the night Goldringer gave me in +my uniform the big send off at the Ritz with all the newspaper bird and +the leads and everybody and me and you the only sober person present, do +you remember? + +Well, its no news to you to say that I havent forgot I am a professional +dancer and good condition is my middle name for my future, not to +mention my present contract with Uncle Sam and that a sober man is worth +more to both--also to you and myself. + +But the Allies dont look on liquor like we do. As a matter of fact they +seldom look on what we would call liquor at all, hardly ever getting a +glympse of anything hard such as rye, scotch or gin, and a cocktail +being practically a stranger and a repulsive one at that to them. But +wine is something different again. Which while with us it is the high +sign for a big party and flowing only in extremely good classes such as +at the lobster layouts--leaving aside dago spaghetti parlors when folks +is resting--with them it is a common matter and everybody drinks it and +while there aint much kick to it, still it has it all over the water we +get and coming under their idea of necessities, is low in price. Of +course by wine I do not mean champagne like we used to for publicity +purposes order for our dinner in public, but stuff made out of common +grapes, I guess, and with the seltzer left out. + +Well, dearie, the reason I hand you all this info. is that the story I +am going to tell you got started because of this wine. "In Venus +Veritas" you know or so they say, and I confess that in trying to get a +little kick out of the stuff I got sort of lit and that's what caused me +the story. + + +II + +WELL, we was sort of waiting off stage as you might call it, in a little +town in Belgium, our act having just been on and a pretty lively one it +was and the Captain give us a pretty good hand on it, although as you +know the audience didn't wait for the finish but left us their orchestra +seats or front line trenches which we moved into and then give up to the +next number on the bill and come back to watch from the wings, or would +of only we was a little too far off. + +Well, the Capt. felt so good and the water was so bad that he sent a +delegation back for a little liquid refreshment. They have big jugs over +here like the molasses is kept in at home only here it is frankly boose +and no one pretends any different. And the game is this. The one which +volunteers for this dangerous work, if broke himself, takes a swig or so +out of the jug he is bringing back which it dont show on account of +their not being transparent and so the officer dont get any surprise +until toward the end of the jug and even so may think he took more than +he had thought. The private will take only a little from each but if +there is jugs enough many a mickle makes quite a jag. + +Well, me and a fellow named McFarland and a French kid called Ceasare +was each given two of these molasses jugs which looked like props, and +was sent off to a village some place in congnito for you couldn't +pronounce it. And we was glad enough to go because among other things we +was short of smokes. Some cleaver actor had accidintly lit the last +mess fire with a bale of Virginias and there wasnt hardly a smoke among +us. + +You just figure out how it would feel if you was to have a bath and do +your exercise and eat a swell breakfast and then realise there wasnt a +pill in the house! Think sweetie, how your brest would swell up with +alarm, and the royal fit you would throw while the elevator boy was on +his way to the corner drug store! Why figure even the way you feel once +you get a cigarette in your face and then cant find a match for two +whole minutes. Well, take it or leave it, I tell you that feeling is a +whole lot multiplied on the victorious fields of France when little +friend cigarette is notable by its absence. A empty house on an opening +night is nothing to it. So you can see where me and Ceasare and Mac was +glad to get in the neighborhood of one, leaving even all considerations +of the wine aside. + +Well, we started out carrying each two jugs and as we went the fellow +which acts as usher, or sentry on the road hollers at us do we know the +way and Ceasare and him jabbered at each other in French in the +remarkable fluent way they do over here. And Ceasare laughed and when we +asked what it was he said the guy told him to look out Fritz didnt get +us on the open road, which was certainly some joke for of course we +hadn't been able to get near enough to Fritz to hear him in some time. +So we laughed, too, for if any snipers had managed to stay behind and +opened up on us we could of spotted them and wiped them out if they had +kept it up. + +Well sweetie, there wasnt any road exactly toward the place we was bound +for on account of our having done considerable trespassing on private +property and taking little notice of fences whether barbed-wire or +civilian or shell-holes or trenches but having went straight ahead. And +after the last 5 years on upper Broadway you will realize it comes easy +enough to me, I often having come unharmed from the Claridge to the +Astor, and the French fields has nothing on that crossing. So to me that +first part of the trip was as little or nothing and I was the +cheerfulist of the party though we was all pretty cheerful and singing a +little song of Ceasare's which I dont know what it means but I guess I'd +better not write it in for fear you would. + +Well, it was late afternoon and awful cold for the time of year, and I +was thinking that at home the frost was on the pumpkin and the pumpkin +would soon be in the pie and the turkey was about to get the axe and +Halloween was due and a lot of nice things like that. And after a lot of +kilomets had been covered, we come to the funny little town which looked +like the back-drop to the opening seane in a musical comedy only all +shot to pieces like it had been on the road with a No. 2 company for a +long and successful tower. + +Well, we come to it, anyhow, and being on duty in a way as far as them +jugs went--we went with them and took what we could afford our ownselves +while we watched papa Ceasare fill 'em up. Then the tobacco dept. +claimed our attention only to find there wasn't any! + +Well, sweetie, I have tried to put over the way I felt at these glad +tidings and the censor wouldn't of stood for it, so out she goes! But I +felt that way all right and so did Mac and Ceasare. + +"I'll no beleeve ut!" says Mack which he talks a funny kind of way like +Harry Lauder. "I'll no beleeve ut--theer must be some someplace aboot!" + +"Say la guyer!" says Ceasare and gives a shrug, although he was a lot +more disappointed than Mac on account of Mac's really caring more for +liquor than smoke any day. "Say la Guyer!" he says, and asks his pa why +it happened and his pa tells him and he translates it to Mac and me. + +"He say a young lady have took it all only hour ago for free to +soldiers," he explains. + +And take it or leave it, but I was certainly a little sore for although +I am the first to believe in the other fellow getting it, still this +time we all felt like the other fellow was us, and no doubt she had took +it to the nearest camp or hut, and so I ast which way was it she went +for mebbe we would get some of it. And then come a big surprise. + +"No 'ospitil here!" Ceasare explained again. "An no 'ut! It ees too soon +after we take it. Then papa says she is first cross red lady we have +seen and she speak in French!" + +"Well, that's funny!" I says--and of course dearie you understand this +had been enemy ground only a little before and that there was a +wine-shop going was a miricle and only for it being Ceasare's papa we +wouldn't of got none, which is how he come to be along with us. + +Well, we all felt real sore and disappointed but took it like a man for +of course a red cross nurse would get it for the wounded and we had our +health. + +So papa give us all another round and we took the big molasses jugs and +started off. It was getting toward twilight and pretty cold and I will +say it give me sort of sore feeling towards the folks at home and blamed +them for letting me be without a cigarette and you know how it is about +two drinks makes me a little sore at things and I began to cheer up +after the third and this was early in the evening. + +Not so Mac. He has a talent for drink. Well, we had just about left the +motion-picture village behind us when he commenced to sing and while I +dont know what it was about, I will put it down this time because you +wont know neither. + + "Fortune if thou'll but gie me still + Hale Breeks, a scone, an' whisky gill, + An' rowth o' ryme to rave at will, + Tak' a' the rest, + + "An' deal 't about as they blind skill + Directss thee best." + +Well, naturally we applauded which is always safe when you don't +understand a thing, and it certainly was comical for Mac is generally a +quiet cuss and a tightwad as well. Then I spoke up. + +"These jugs is too heavy!" I says. "Let's lighten 'em up a bit." + +Well they thought so and we done it and felt better and then I sang +them: + + "Give me your love + The sunshine of your eyes!" + +And both Ceasare and Mac commenced to cry. Mac set down his jugs and we +done the same and then Mac done the most generous thing I ever seen a +Scotchman do even in liquor. He reached inside his bonnett and took out +three cigarettes, shook the bonnett to show they was actually the last, +and give us each one and one to himself. + +Well, we all sat down on a old motor chassis or what was left of it, and +burned them smokes like insense, not speaking a word! But putting that +red cross lady which had been ahead of us out of our minds and thinking +only of how we was going to give Mac our next packages from home when +they come, and he mebbe thinking of how he was going to get them. And +then we all made our jugs a little lighter and by this time it was +pretty dark and we commenced to hurry back. Before we had went very far +we had to hesitate about which way. Because sweetie, take it or leave +it, what you write about getting lost in the new subway has nothing on +finding your way about after dark by yourself in this part of the world. + +Well, Mac was sure we come one way and I was sure we come another and +Ceasare he had a different hunch from either of us. So we all took +another little drink as it was getting mighty cold by now, and in the +end we started off Ceasare's way because why wouldnt he know best which +way was right and him born and raised right there on the farm? We +trusted to his judgment just like him and Mac would of trusted me to +tell the taxi-driver where to go from Keens. + +So we went like he said, but somehow we didn't seem to get no place in +particular although we kept on going for a long time: I couldn't say how +long, but it seemed like a Battery to Harlem job to me only by now I +loved everybody but Fritz and a sort of fog had come up or so I thought, +and we was all singing, each our own sweet songs but at the same time. + +"Lets throw away a few of these jugs," I remember saying--and really +there was so little in some of them it wasn't worth carrying back so we +just finished them off and threw them away and then we come upon a +little path--or it felt like it. + +"Allou!" shouted Ceasare, "we are almost there!" and with that we sure +got the surprise of our lifes, for rat-tat-tat-tat-tat come a sputter of +machine gun fire right at us. + + +III + +AT first we was very much jolted by this though unhurt, and then we +commenced to think it was a joke. Here we was going in behind our own +lines and being fired upon. + +"Shut up, ye dam fools!" Mac hollered. "Can ye no recognize yer own +people?" + +Then Ceasare yelled in French, but they paid no attention to us. +_Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!_ it come again, and this time it made me real mad. +I figured that if they didn't quit their nonsense somebody was liable to +get hurt. So I saved what was left in my last jug, threw the thing +away, and told Ceasare and Mac to come on and leave us beat up the poor +boobs with the nasty sense of humor and show them where they got off. +Well, Mac and him thought this was a good idea so they done like I done +and we ran up the little hill which we could see our way pretty good in +spite of the dark because they never let up on us but kept right on +spitting fire. Well, we got very mad by this time and to tell the truth +I can't very well recall just what did happen only when we got to the +gun the boys was German! + +Well, take it or leave it, I aint had a jolt like that since the night +Goldringer raised our salary of his own accord after we put on the La +Tour Trot. And I only wisht I could remember more about what happened. +But for quite a few minutes I was terrible busy; and I guess I better +admit I was tight--awful tight. Of course there was five of them and +only three of us, and equally of course we licked them badly and took +only one prisoner but not being anything for a lady to read I will not +give particulars and anyways I dont remember any. Of course it was one +of them few remaining nest of hornets which we had joked about, but +really hadn't believed was there. + +Well, when it was all over but the cheering and we was sure these birds +had been all by their lonesome, we was pretty well sobered and hot and +everything. And the first thing we done was take a look around in a few +places for tobacco. And take it or leave it--we didn't find any! Not a +smoke among the lot! Watter you know about that? + +But one good thing we got out of the scrap was our senses back and it +was easy enough to spot about where our own lines would be. So after we +figured it out, and taking Fritz, the one prisoner, along, we commenced +to start off that way and you can bet the poor boob was glad to go with +us. You would of thought he had wanted to be with us all the time. Just +like after a election at home. Cant find anybody who didnt vote the +winning ticket. Which joke you may not understand, sweetie, being a +lady, and I will not now stop to explain. + +Well, we started back alright and as we come, I got the story which I +want to tell you which commenced really when we come to that old barn. +Only I had to explain how we come to be there or you wouldnt get the +idea of what I am driving at for you to make your Ma understand. + +Ever since I fell out of my airplane and was in the hospital and +reenlisted the only place they'd take me back was in the infantry, I +done a lot of thinking--and some of it stuff which might mebbe sound +awful queer coming from me, especially after some of the language I have +been known to use in my day, and while I hope I aint become mushy, I +certainly do believe there is more to religion and such things than we +have thought. Take it or leave it, mighty few fellows have lived through +this war, far less fought through it, without getting religion of some +kind out of it. I wonder can you get me? And make Ma get it too. So I'll +tell what happened and you see if miricles is over yet or not for this +is a true fact and not a story somebody told me. + +Well, after we cleaned up that machine gun nest and had a cute little +live German prisoner of our very own, we took him down the hill with us +the best way we could in the dark and it full of holes and what not. +There wasn't a bit of light--no moon nor stars nor nothing, and a wet +sort of smell that made us wish for a smoke the way hardly nothing else +is ever wished for, except mebbe a motion-picture salary or a drink of +water after a big night--not on the desert. + +Well we got on pretty good because we was nearly sober now and Ceasare +he knew where we was going, and this time he really did, and so we kept +up pretty good. It commenced to rain a little and the big drops felt +awful nice against my cheeks which was burning hot. Made me think of +when I was a kid back in Topeka and digging out to school and a pair of +red mittens I had which my mother had made them--good knitting and well +made like the sweater I had on that very minute which she also knit. And +I thought of me and you and our snow-scene when we done that dance on +the Small Time with the sleighbells on our heels--remember dear? Before +we had really made good except with each other? And I thought about love +too and a lot of fool stuff like that. And then I heard a funny sound +for thereabouts. It was a woman moaning and crying. + +Well, at first I thought mebbe I was crazy or imagined it, but Mac who +was walking in front with our own little Fritz stopped short and so did +Fritz and listened. It come again--the most dismal thing you ever want +to hear. I turned to Ceasare and he had heard it. + +"Say drool," he says, which means "Its funny" only it wasnt and he didnt +mean it that way, but the other way. You know. + +"It sure is!" I says. "There she goes again!" + +"I think theers a wee bit housie over theere!" says Mac. + +"It is the barn of my cousin's uncle," says Ceasare. "We better go +look." + +So with that we started across the road to where sure enough was a funny +little barn--stone with a grass roof--peculiar to these parts, I guess. +The nearer we got the louder the noise was, but no words to it, only +sobbing very low and despairing and sort of sick--and a female--no doubt +of it. There wasn't any light nor anybody moving about as far as we +could tell. + +"Gee! What'll we do?" I says in a whisper. "We can't pass it up!" + +"Naw--we mun tak' a look inside!" whispers Mac. + +"Certinmount," says Ceasare; "Mais--be careful! We put the Boch in first +and see if some trick is up!" + +It being Ceasare's cousin's uncle's barn he knew where the door was, +and the three of us shoved Fritz up to it and made him understand he was +to open it and go in ahead of the crew. We finally got it over with +signs and shoves, because the bird didnt speak nothing but German and we +hadnt a word of it among us. But still we made him do it and he did, and +we pulled our guns and stood close behind and I stood closest and pulled +not alone my gun but the little electric flashlight you sent me which I +flashed in as quick as the door was opened. + + +IV + +AND take it or leave it--there was a woman with a baby in her arms! She +was rather a young round-faced woman and that kid was awfully little and +held close under a big dark cloak the woman wore. The poor soul looked +tired out and she had no hat and her hair was all down. The inside of +the barn was a wreck and the rain was coming in through a big shellhole +in the roof. She was all alone, we at once got that, and at sight of the +German uniform which was all she seen at first, she give a shriek of joy +and got up onto her feet. + +"Got si danke!" she cried. "Ich habe----" + +Then she seen the rest of us and shrunk back, covering the kid with her +cloak. Fritz said something to her--quite a lot in a hurry, and +evidently told her he was a prisoner, and now that she had spilled the +beans, so was she. And of course even under the circumstances, she was. +But take it or leave it, I certainly did feel queer when I went up to +that lady with the little baby in that barn. For German or no German the +situation was--well--it certainly got my goat. I took off my hat and +made a bow. + +"Lady," I commenced, "have no fear. Don't let us throw no scare into +you. We ain't Huns--that is, I beg your pardon, but what I mean is you +are perfectly safe and we will take care of you." + +Well, the way she looked at me would of wrung a heart of stone. Her eyes +was blue and she just stared at me as if I had hurt her--which of +course was far from any mind there. + +"Don't be scared," I says again. "You and the baby will get good care. +Just come with us if you are able!" + +When I spoke of the kid she give the poor little smothered thing a quick +look and drew her cloak around it closer. Gee! but she looked fierce! +She had quit crying but not a word out of her! + +"You try!" I says to Ceasare. "The poor thing mebbe understands French." + +So Ceasare, who was as much shot to pieces at the sight as I was, come +forward. + +"Madame!" says he, bowing with his cap in his hand. Then he shoots a lot +of French about restes, au succuoor, and stuff I know meant "cut the +worry." But she didnt get it any better than she had my line of talk, +and only kept on looking scared. + +Well by this time Mac come out of his stupor; but there was no use +trying Scotch on her, that was plain. So there was nothing to it except +forward march. For one thing my torch wouldnt of lasted much longer and +for another it sure was getting late. + +"Does your cousin's uncle which owns the barn have a house anywheres +near, where we could leave her?" I asked Ceasare. + +"All dead in this town!" he says cheerfully. "And this is the only +building left I think it!" + +"Then there's nothing to do but take her along to headquarters," I says, +and off we started, she not saying a word. + +That was some trip! I want to tell you sweetie it was the worst part of +the whole war to me. You know I got a heart and I felt just fierce for +that poor little German mother. All the way in, while we was helping her +along I kept wishing I knew how on earth she come to get in that place. +She seemed real feeble at times and we lifted her across the worst +places. I tried to get her to let me carry the baby, but she held on to +it like grim death and wouldnt leave any of us touch it--and it was so +quiet I commenced to get scared. + +"More than likely its dead!" I whispered to Ceasare and he thought so +too. + +Before we got in, we had carried her almost a mile, taking turns with +her on our crossed hands, and the odd feller guarding our Hun. And then +we came to the end of about the very worst and longest hike I ever took +including the time the Queen of the Island Company got stranded in New +Rochelle. The sentry across that mud hole of a slushy road was the +welcomest sight in the world. + +"Wot the 'ell yer got?" he says when he recognized us. + +"One Gentleman Hun prisoner and one lady ditto in very bad shape!" I +says. + +"Wot the 'ell!" he says again. And then he passed us and we reported. + +Say sweetie, take it or leave it, but I had honest clean forgot all +about that wine which we had been sent for in the first place. I tell +you I was so worried about that poor woman! And it was not until the +five of us was standing in Capt. Haskell's quarters with the light from +his ceiling glaring at us and him also glaring from behind his mustache, +that I even commenced to remember it. But I had to report so I reported +for the bunch of us and in strict detail as good as I could remember. +All this while the woman sat in a chair, her face like a stone, and my +heart just aching for her. + +Well, when I got through taking the most nervous curtin-call of my +life--and take it or leave it, if the German army would ever of been as +nervous as I was then, the war would of ended that minute. Capt. Haskell +beckoned to the lady. + +"Come here, please!" he says very kind. "And let me see the baby!" + +She got up and went over very softly. Then she stood in front of him and +commenced to laugh and laugh. + +"Pigs of Americans!" she said. "Fools to carry me! That's not a +baby--its twenty cartons of cigarettes!" + +Then she threw back her cloak and under it there she was dressed in Red +Cross uniform. + +"I disguised myself and went to the village!" she went on in perfectly +good English. "And I bought all the tobacco there. + +"On my way back to my own lines I was fool enough to lose my way and to +cry over it! That is all!" + +And its enough, aint it dear? For you do get me, dont you? Them twenty +cartons of cigarettes was a miricle to us and the one we needed the most +of any right at that moment. Eh, what? as the English say. And her +taking such a chance to get them for Fritz shows how bad off the German +army must be, don't it? And so tell this to your Ma and get her to quit +that foolish anti-smoke society she's forming--because its the bunk--and +I am ever your loving life and dancing partner, JIM. + +P. S. Just got your letter. That certainly is a good one on Ma. Smoking +a pipe! And if you hadnt opened the door so sudden you'd never in this +world of caught her. And if she does claim her grandmother did it too, +all you got to say is so did many a soldier's grandmother. + +P. S. No. 2. I forgot to say that a French General has given us a kiss +on both cheeks and a medel for that job. And its the first time I ever +got anything but a headache by going on a party. + + + + +IV + +ANYTHING ONCE + + +I + +AINT it funny the things that comes into a person's head when they are +rubbing cold cream onto their nose? All sorts of stuff, some of it good +sense and some of it the bunk. But most of it pretty near O.K. If some +one was to take down the ideas I get at such a sacred hour, I'd be out +of the dancing game and into the highbrow class just as quick as the +printer got through his job. + +It sure is a time when a woman's true thoughts come to the surface along +with the dust and last night's make-up, and many a big resolve has been +made owing to that cleanly habit. Wasn't there some wise bird made up a +quotation about cleanliness being next to God knows what? Well, believe +you me, its the truth, for once a woman starts in with the cold cream +all alone,--and she sure does it at no other time--there is no telling +what will come of it beside a clean pink face. + +With me personally myself, thats where most of my ideas about life come +from--right out of the cold cream tube! And while indulging in this well +known womanly occupation the other evening I commenced thinking about +rest and how important it is for us Americans--and of the way we go +after it--like it was something we had to catch and catch quick or it +would get away from us. Do you get me? If not, leave me tell you what a +friend of mine, which has just been mustard out of the service says to +me, when I was checking up his experiences abroad while he was checking +up what the waiter had put down. + +"My idea of rest?" he says. "Why taking Belleau Woods after three +restless weeks in the trenches," he says. + +Which sort of puts the nut in the shell, as the saying is. And also at +the same time reminds me of the rest I just recently took. + +Not that I generally need one any more than any other thoroughly +successful star, for heavens knows the best known parlor dancing act in +the world and Broadway, which mine undoubtedly is, dont need to rest +because the managers theirselves always come after me and resting I +leave to the booking-agency hounds. But this time it was bonea fido, and +come about in a sort of odd way. + + +To commence at the start it begun with me falling for the movies, which +Gawd knows I only done it for the money, their being no art in it, and +they having hounded me into them for a special fillum. And of course +many well known girls like Mary Garden and Nazimova go into pictures and +even myself, but its simply because of being hounded, as I say. But once +in you earn your money, believe you me, and I have stood around waiting +for the sun like Moses, or whoever it was, until my feet nearly froze to +the pallasades before jumping off, only of course it was a dummy they +threw after I had made the original motions of the leap to death. And +the worst part is once you are signed up on one of these "payment to be +made wheather the party of the first part (thats me) is working or not" +you got to do like they say, and a whole lot of the "not working" means +plain standing around waiting for the director or the camera-man or the +rain to quit, and what us public favorites suffers when on the job is +enough to make the photographor's Favorite of Grainger, Wyo., abandon +the career she might of had in favour of domestic service or something +like that where she'd get a little time to herself. + +Well anyways my judgment having slipped to the extent of having signed +my sense of humor away for six months at twenty-two hundred a week, I +was in the very middle of a fillum called the Bridge to Berlin when one +day, just as a big brute of a German officer by the name of O'Flarety +had me by the throat in a French chateau, the studio manager comes in +and says the armistice is signed and the war is over, and we was to quit +as who would release a war fillum now and we was to start on something +entirely different, only he didn't know what the hell it was to be and +here was eight thousand feet wasted--and believe you me I was sore +myself for we had shot that strangling sceene six times by then and my +marcelle wave was completely ruined by it, and I would of liked to of +had something to show for it. + +But anyways, orders was to quit and so me and Ma and the two fool dogs +and Musette left the wilds of Jersey and after a stormy voyage across +the Hudson come safely home to our modest little apartment on the drive, +there to not work at 22 hundred a week until Goldringer got the studio +manager to get the scenario editor to get me a new story, which at the +price was not of long duration for while Gawd knows they dont care how +long a person stands around waiting to be shot, they just naturally hate +to pay you for doing the same thing at home in comfort. + +Well anyways the bunk that scenario editor picked out was something +fierce. I wouldn't of been screened dead in it. But it just happened I +had a idea for a scenario myself, which come about through somebody +having give me a book for Christmas and one night, the boy having forgot +to bring the papers, I read it. And was it a cute book? It was! I had a +real good cry over it, and while it wasn't exactly a book for a dancer, +I could see that there was good stuff in it. So finally me and Ma +stopped into Goldringer's office after he had twice telephoned for me +and handed him a little surprise along with the volume. + +"I got a idea for a picture, Al," I says, "and here's the book of it." + +"Well Miss La Tour, what's the name of it and idea?" says he, chewing +on his cigar strong and not even looking at the book but throwing it to +the stenographer, which is a general rule always in the picture game and +one reason we don't see such a crowd of swell fillums. + +"The name is Oliver Twist," I says. "It's a juvinile lead the way it +stands, but I want it fixed up a little, with me as Olivette Twist--the +editor can fix it so's that will be all right. It's really a swell part. +I could wear boy's clothes some of the time." + +"Huh! Olivette Twist," says Goldringer, taking back the book and looking +at the cover of it. "Always thought it was a breakfast food! But if you +say its O.K. we'd better get it. Where is this feller Dickens? We'll +wire him for the rights. Friend of yours?" + +You see, if anybody brings scenarios personally, a star in particular, +it's generally a friends. + +"No," I says. "It was sent me by Jim along with a letter which shows the +bird is well known," I says. "And is in Westminister Abby, London, +England, which Jim says proves his class. + +"Must be a swell apartment," says Goldringer. "All right we'll send a +cable to him and see if the picture rights is gone or not. If the boy +is so well known he may stick out for a big price. This is Thursday. We +may hear from him by Monday or Tuesday, and we'll get a scenario ready +anyways so's we can begin to shoot not later than a week from to-day. +Until then," he says, "run along and amuse yourself and dont do anything +I wouldnt." + +Well, me and Ma was shown out then and down on Broadway Ma see some +salt-water taffy in a drug-store and wanted to go in and by it which I +had to prevent because outside of Ma being in no need of nourishment, +she weighing considerable over the heavy-weight requirements already and +Gawd knows if she was to have went back into the circus it would no +longer be on the trapeese and a certain party in the side-show would +have a strong competitor for her job and it wouldn't be the human +skeleton either. But leaving off the consideration how would it look for +us to go up the Ave. in my new wine-colored limousine which I earned +myself and no one can say different with truth--and eating stuff like +that out of a folded paper box? Ma certainly has my health well in hand +and heart and its seldom we quarrel over any little thing, but she +certainly has no class instinct, or instinct for class--do you get me? +And when I try to make her see that them little refinements is what +makes me the big success I am, she sometimes kicks and if its hunger, +its got to be met immediately if not one way, why then another. So in +lieu, as the poet says, of the taffy I had to take her to the Ritz and +watch her put away 6 vanillia eclairs at two bits each and a quart of +cocoa, not that I begrudge the money, only believe you me the way all +hotels charge nowadays is rapidly making Bolshivik out of even we +capatalists. Do you get me? You do! But of course in my line you got to +keep before the public in the right way. + +Well anyways Ma complained over the loss of that taffy the whole way +through the six eclairs, which it was certainly a little hard on me to +have to sit there and watch her while for professional reasons eating +only one of these tomato surprises which never surprise but the once, on +my figures account, and certainly its a fact that the two of us was +doing the next best thing to what we wanted instead of the thing itself +which is one of the prices of success. So, as is also often the case at +such times, I was a little mean to Ma on account of having been mean +already--do you get me? + +"Mamma," I says. "You certainly are getting heavier. It's a crime for you +to wear these narrow skirts!" + +Ma give me a searching look the same as used to lead up to caster oil +when I was a kid, and then took the half of a eclair at one bit before +replying. + +"Now Mary Gilligan you needn't take out your artistic temperament or any +other ailment on me!" she says as firmly as the eclair would permit. +"Just because Jim is in France yet, and your moleskin dolman was a +failure and you aint been occupied daily for a week or more, and slipped +up on doing your setting up exercises this morning which I wouldnt of +mentioned only you started it," she says. "Its no excuse for picking on +me," she says. "What if I am a little plump? My Gawd aint I earned the +right to be? What with three kids and your Pa to bring up and the center +trapeese in the circus right through it all except when absolutely +necessary? You dont know what a woman _can_ go through!" + +"Dont I, just!" I snapped for my Gawd aint it the truth every woman has +the very worst troubles that any woman ever had? And she sure gets sore +when another woman sets up to go them one better! + +"No you don't!" retorts Ma with that maddening air of being older than +me which she uses to squelch me every time she cant get me any other +way. "No you dont!" she says. "You never brought up three kids without a +nurse girl while on the trapeese--you never brought up a thing but two +fool dogs and you even leave them to the carelessness of a personal +maid," she says. "Poor dears, Gawd knows what will become of their +little canine minds and morals!" + +"Now Ma!" I begged, because she aughter know that is a sore point with +me and not intention, and she had me on the raw. + +"Well then!" she says. "You got a swell job and no troubles only mabe a +sluggish liver and you aint the only woman in America which Gen. +Pershing cant yet spare the husband of," she says. "And mabe I do need +to reduce a little," which was her way of apologizing. And just as this +lull occurred who should come into sight but Maison Rosabelle, her which +runs the shop where myself and all the most chic professionals gets +their clothes. She was all dressed up like a plush horse with real +sables, part of which must of come off them simple refined little gowns +I had made for the Bridge to Berlin that was ruined by the armistice. +Her hair had just been rehennered and her face was as fresh as a +tea-rose straight from the fragrent facial massage. She smiled and +sailed down on the two of us which we welcomed with the usual relief of +a family quarreling when neither sees the way to win out and have got to +go on living together. In other words she automatically buried the +hatchet for us, as the school books say. + +"So pleased to of run into you, dearies!" she says. "For I'm goin' to +Atlantic City to-morrow for a little rest." + +No sooner was them words out from between her lip-rouge than I see a +vision of salt-water taffy arising in Ma's eyes. Believe you me Ma is +certainly hard to pry loose from anything she has once set her mind on! +And Maison had to continue in that cordial manner. + +"Why dont you run down for a few days?" she says. "It'll do you good. +You're looking kinda pulled down Mrs. Gilligan!" she says--and of course +Ma fell for that. + +"I do feel a little low!" she says, finishing off her cocoa. "And +Mary--Marie here is waiting until they get a answer to a cable which +was sent to England by the studio. I understand we may have quite a +wait, so I really believe we might go along." + + +II + +NOW as I looked at Ma it come over me that mabe she had the right dope. +When people that live together, especially if not friends, but +relations, commence to get a little on each others nerves, going away on +a trip is good for what ails them. The only trouble is that in the case +of females they generally go together. Still, with the whole bunch of +new and different stuff it gives them to fight over--R.R. tickets, and +who wired for these horrid rooms, and I told you to bring a heavier +coat, and etc., they generally get straightened out quite a lot. Even +the idea of going along with Maison didnt worry me then, I having been +on tower many a time when the No. 1 Company went out and Ma the same for +years, and we generally speak, even to the publicity man, no matter if +we have made Rochester, Buffalo and Chicago in a quick jump playing +matinées as well. So I am without the wholesome and well founded fear +of taking a pleasure-trip with friends which is the bitter fruit of most +persons experience of the same. Besides, I sort of like Maison, which of +course her real name is Maisie Brady, and her funny little husband, +which is also still in France, she not being dependant any more than +myself nor would she hold him back from serving his country only I dont +hardly believe she urged him to go for quite the patriotic reasons I +did, he having been a traveling man and so when he retired on her income +she didnt feel as natural and affectionate and homelike and all that as +when he was away most of the time. But at any rate I and she were both +war-widows and old friends from the time her mother was lady-lion tamer +and mine on the trapeese, and so in spite of the bills she charges me +she has more refinement than most people and so I says all right, we'll +go to Atlantic City and we'll be on the one twenty train to-morrow. + +"Thats sweet, dearie!" says Maison. "We'll get a swell rest!" + +Then she set sail and was off with a Jewish gentleman friend, which had +been waiting at the entrance all this time with a gardenia in his +buttonhole. And Ma and me called for the check and dogs and limousine +and hitched our way homeward through the traffic to our quiet little +apartment with 7 windows with the beautiful outlook of the river and the +R.R. tracks and etc. + +Then while Musette packed only three trunks and my gold-fitted dressing +case and a couple of hat boxes and my specially designed jewellery box +and the travelling hamper for the dogs, we having decided to travel +light and probably not stay over three or four days, Ma went into the +all-tiled kitchen and commenced getting up a little smack of cold beef +and potato salad and fried cheese sandwiches and coffee and a few hot +biscuits and honey so's we wouldn't have to go out and eat, which Ma +certainly loves to do and no cook ever stands it for more than a week +and the current cook's week was up that morning before we went downtown. + +Well anyway while she was doing this I went into the drawing-room which +is all fitted up in handsome gold furniture--that the dealer said was +one of the Louis periods. Louis Cohen I guess,--I never remember quite. +And to put a record on the phonograph in the case I had especially built +in the same style at fifty dollars extra and all the instalments paid, +and streached out as good as I could manage to on the chaise loung, +which is a sort of housebroken steamer-chair, and while John Macormik's +own voice sang my little grey home in the west to me in the privacy of +my own home, I thought dreamingly about Jim and how much I was missing +him and how swell we danced together and how kind and loving and brave +he was and how refined, and believe me he's about the only theatrical +male that don't murder a dress suit, and how horrible it was to be +seperated from him after being married only two weeks and what fools we +was to have danced together in every first-class theatre in America and +only got married so recent, for if only we'd been married sooner mabe +the pain of seperation wouldnt of been so great by now. Who knows? And +believe you me it was some pain, and I had myself crying before I knew +it. For I sure am stuck on that poor simp and my only war-work aint been +done on the screene, Gawd knows, when I give him up to whatever the +Allies was fighting for, which if it dont turn out to be as represented, +believe you me, myself and a whole lot of other girls is going to want +to know why!! + +Well anyways, before Ma had the biscuits baked and I had run jada jada +and sing me to sleep, I was wild to get away to the pure country ocean +air and some healthy outdoor exercise which would help me forget my +loneliness. And a lot of quiet and rest and sleep, with the ocean +pounding me to the pillow and all that. + +I had only a sort of twenty minute small time sketch of a idea of what +Atlantic City was like on account of me having been there for openings +only and getting in at four forty five with the show beginning at eight +fifteen and the washup you need after the trip and Ma always insisting +on me doing a twenty minute practice in my room and underwear before +every opening which is perfectly correct and one of the principal things +which has made my handsprings what they are, and getting dinner far +enough in advance to do the hand-springs in time. I knew little nor +nothing of what Jim calls the Coney Island that went to finishing school +except that there is swimming and horseback riding and a boardwalk that +any one without French heels to catch in the cracks can have a elegant +walk on. What little sniff of air I had outside the theatre and my +bedroom at the hotel give me a appatite for more, which up to now I +never had the opportunity to get because of always being with a +high-class show that went right back to N.Y. Sunday to open on Broadway. +But now I was going like a regular American lady citizen to rest and get +full of health and do as the regular resorters did. And I was glad. I +was so anxious to keep myself in a pure atmosphere for Jim's sake and +the studio wasn't exactly the farm--do you get me? You do! And a rest in +the country was the very thing. I got quite excited thinking about it; +dried my tears, stopped the phonograph and made sure that Musette put in +my riding suit, bathing ditto, and walking boots. And when this was done +I felt better already as the saying is, and fully able to take some of +the nourishment Ma had got up. + +The minute we set down to the table I see that she had also been making +good resolutions and waited till she got ready to confess. It come after +the seventh tea-biscuit and honey. On her part I mean, I only taking +coldmeat and salad and things I dont like much, for reasons before +stated. + +"Mary Gilligan!" she says. "I believe I'm getting heavier," she says, +just as if it occurred to her for the first time. "And I have decided +that while I am away to Atlantic City I wont eat to amount to anything +and reduce in other ways the whole time I'm there!" + +"You dont say," I says, without batting an eye. "Do you really think you +need to?" + +"I do!" she says. "This is my last real meal. And you needn't try to +persuade me out of it." + +I didn't. And next morning right after breakfast we caught the one +twenty, hats, dogs, Musette, and all, and met up with Maison Rosabelle, +which was dressed in a simple little trotters costume of chiffon and +ermine which looked like it had been made in Babylon. I mean B.C. not +L.I. And with her was a little surprise in the way of the same Jewish +gentleman, Mr. Freddy Mayer, with another gardenia on him and a fine +line of plausable explinations. + +"Aint it a co-co-strange, Freddy just happens to be going our way!" +cooed Maisie with all the innocence of a N.Y. livery-stable pidgeon. + +"Yes, I'm taking a special offering of champagne to a special friend in +the hotel business there," says Mr. Freddy. "And with three such +beautiful lady companions its no hardship to leave Manhattan behind nor +the Bronx," says he gaily. "Altho when we come back we may find the +Aldermen has decided to change both names after July first," says the +humorous dog. + +"Will you please kindly open this window a little?" I intrupped him. +"The air in here aint so good as it was." + +I dont know did this get over, but believe you me I didn't care for that +well washed young wine-seller at all, nor for his company. And it was a +relief when he done as I asked and him and Maison found their seats was +at the other end of the car. In a way I can understand her liking +traveling-men but not up to the point of traveling with one, even by +semi-accident. And so opening the Motion Picture Gazette to look at the +double-page spread of myself "Who has at length been lured by the +artistic possibilities of the picture world," and keeping a eye on Ma to +see would she stop the candy-boy, settled down to the soothing sound of +Maison's laugh, and begun my quiet little trip to Healthland. + +There is a large variaty of ladies which have husbands still in the +army, but believe you me they certainly got one thing in common, or +else no looks at all. And that is, the temptation to take up with other +company to some degree. Because of course while the war was holding the +stage a husband's absence could be stood, but what with this +peace-hyphen in the fighting and everything, you cant help but commence +wondering what kind of a girl is detaining him over there and feel +inclined to have a understudy kind of waiting off stage in self defence. +For believe you me, there seems to be something sort of attractive about +a war-widow and the ones which ignores the fact and minds their own +affairs is the real patriotic women of America. + +Not that I want to say a word about Maison, and what happened to me +after the end of that train ride on which I was sitting so +superior-minded, taught me a lesson; because its a cinch to be good when +you want to be. A person which has suffered themselves is slow to bawl +out the other fellow so quick next time. Do you get me? Not yet. + +Well, after we had rolled by the lovely scenery and read the handsome +ad. signs on either hand, not to mention the pipe-line, and got the +invigorating smell of low tide in our eager nostrils, we come out on +that quiet little country railroad station platform, our destination, to +be greeted by only several hundred busses and a thousand or so +taxi-cabs, each yelling at the top of their voices. As we got off the +train Maison rushes up to us and pipes a cheering little question. + +"Where are we going, dearie?" she said, blithly. + +"Where are we going?" I says. "Maison Rosabelle, do you mean to say you +didn't wire no place for rooms?" + +"Why no!" says Maison. "Didn't you?" + +"Certainly not!" I says. "I never wired for rooms in my whole life. The +advance agent always done that for me." + +"Well Mary Gilligan, I'm not your advance agent!" she snapped, and then +she kind of looked at Mr. Freddy in a sweet, helpless womanly fashion +expecting him to fork up a little help. But it seems Mr. Freddy was one +of these birds that only think to take care of his own comfort. He had a +room alright at the Traymore. And he meant to keep it! + +"We'll take the bus to there," he suggested. "I'm sure there'll be lots +of room." + +But no bus for me on account of professional reasons. So we took one +taxi for him and us and another for Musette and the dogs and the bags, +and then commenced a round of seeking for shelter as the poet says, +which had the "Two Orphans" skun a mile. We went to six hotels and not a +room among them. Believe you me, there is just one person can make you +feel cheaper than a Atlantic City hotel clerk when he says "No +reservations?" and lifts his arched brows, and that is the head waiter +when he says "nothing to drink?" and you say "yes, nothing!" Well, thank +Gawd thats one thing prohibition will prohibit. + +Well anyways, we tried six hotels until at last we come to a little +place where the young feller at the desk give his reluctant consent to +our admission. It was a simple little place done quitely in red plush +and gold and marble columns, very restful with not over a hundred people +sitting about in the lobby, listning not to the sad sea waves but to a +jazz orchestra and inhaling the nice fresh tobacco smoke of which the +air was full. + +Well, Mr. Freddy give a gasp of relief and bid us good-by, after dating +up Maisie for dinner, and a flock of bell-hops hopped upon our stuff +and we commenced a walking tower to our rooms. As we started off down +the Alleyway, Maison give me a nudge. + +"Look it, that sweet young officer! Aint he handsome?" she whispers only +just loud enough for him to hear. And before I thought I turned my head +and he certainly was easy to look at. He looked, in fact like a cross +between a clothing ad. and a leading juvinille with a touch of bear-cat +in him to make a regular he-man out of him. He was a captain, although +so young, and had a cute little moustache and had that blue-blooded +air--you know--like a Boston accent even without hearing him speak. And +he was sitting all alone under a big poster advertising a entertainment +for the benefit of blind soldiers or something. Of course I didn't +notice him at all, because I being a perfect lady I dont do them things. +But I couldnt help seeing that he didn't blush at what Maisie said, +although I knew he heard it, but a sort of crinkly expression come up +round his nice blue eyes as if he thought us comic or something. It made +me just boil because my clothes is nothing if not refined and I never +wear anything but a little powder on my nose when off the stage, and if +its one thing gets my goat it is to be taken for a show-girl which +undoubtedly he thought the two of us was and they not in his class, for +even with the passing glance I had taken I could see he was used to the +Vanderbilts and all that set and had never had to be taught to take his +daily tub. Do you get me? + +So I walked like I hadnt looked, and of course I really hadnt, and +proceeded to the before the war section of the hotel and the handsome +suite all fitted in real varnished pine and carpets just like a +Rochester boarding house when I was on the small time before I made my +big success, and it made me feel quite at home or would of only for what +I knew the difference in price was going to be. I guessed it just as +soon as I heard Ma gasping over the hotel rules which she was reading. I +went over and looked at them too, and at first I couldn't see nothing +unusual about them. There was the usual bunk about the management not +being responsible for the guest in any way, and Gawd knows how could +they be and I dont blame them. And then, a little ways down I see what +had got Ma stirred up. It seems dogs was ten dollars a week per each, +and of course we had two of them and Ma never has cared for my two, +anyways. + +"Well, I hope the sea air will be good for the poor little lambs," she +says very sarcastic. "Mebbe it'll make 'em grow--into police-dogs or +something useful!" + +Well I see by this that the salt air had not yet got to Ma, although the +troublesome journey had. And so I put on a simple little suit of English +tweed and low heeled shoes and a walking hat, which seemed to me the +right thing for the country, and went out to pry off a little health +before dinner. + +The outdoors was something grand. The air was as good a cocktail as a +person would want, and the lights along the boardwalk was coming out +like dandelion blossoms. There was hardly anybody around--just a few +here and there and the surf of that wide and cruel ocean which Jim was +the other side of, was breaking close to the rail in big white ostrich +plumes. Overhead the sky was as clear and high as a circular drop with +the violet lights on it, and a few clean stars was coming out. It was +just cold enough to make a person want to walk fast until the blood got +singing through you and you wanted to shout and run, only of course no +lady would. But just the same, I commenced to feel glad I hadnt died +when I had the measles, and I loved everybody and had a great career +before me and--and--oh that grand yearning happy feeling which comes out +of being young and full of strength and a good bank-account. Do you get +me? You do! + +Well anyways, here I was walking like I had money on it and huming a +tune to myself, when along comes a man the other way, walking two to my +one, and huming the same tune, "How I hate to get up in the morning," it +was. When he heard me and I heard him we both sort of half stopped out +of surprise, and I got a good look at him. It was the young Captain from +the hotel. + +He also give a start of surprise when he seen me, showing he recognized +me just as good as I did him. Only it was a real, genuine start, as if +he realized something more than the fact he had seen me at the hotel. +Then he smiled--a smile which would of done any dental ad. proud, and +passed along, looking back over his shoulder--once. While I went along +minding my own business and only know he looked back on account of my +happening to look back to see how far I had gone. I went a mile further +and somehow that smile of his stuck in my mind and made me sort of happy +for no reason, and at the same time awful extra lonesome for Jim. I made +up my mind I would get Jim a new car for a surprise when he come home +and I would send him a extra box of eats this week and some of them +cigarettes he likes so well, and a whole lot of stuff like that, the way +a woman does at such a time. Do you get me? Probably. + +Well anyways, I walked myself into a terrible enthusiasm over Jim, and +then come back to the hotel. Which, by the way, its a strange thing how +much further it is coming back to a Atlantic City hotel than walking +away from it. And there at the door was Ma with the two dogs. A real +strange sight for I never knew her to take them out before, and it +looked like a guilty conscience, for she give me a peek out of the +corner of her eye for some reason and then hastily explained how she had +thought she'd take them herself this time instead of Musette. Well, we +got rid of the dogs and then come down to dinner where Maison sailed +down upon us all dressed up and no place to go, for it seems this Mr. +Freddy had stood her up on the dinner, having telephoned he'd be over +later with a friend or two but business prevented him paying for her +meal, or at least thats what I expect he meant. And Maison was wild. But +she had to eat dinner with us, and register a bunch of complaints +between bowing to friends and so forth. + +"The luck I have!" she says. "That guy Freddy doesn't think any more of +a nickle than he does of his right arm! And with all the conventions +which is held at this town of course we would have to pick on the date +the Baptist ministers was here! Its a fact! The clerk told me. And what +is more if there ain't Ruby Roselle and Goldringer and will you look at +that wine and it twelve a quart without the tax! Well, of all things!" + + +III + +And there sure enough was Ruby across the room with Goldringer, which he +evidently had come down to wait for the answer to that cable in the +fresh air, and I suppose Ruby was a accident, the same as Freddy, for +goodness knows, I wouldnt say a thing against her even behind her +back--and a good deal could be said behind what shows of it when in +costume. But I wouldnt say it anyhow, because even if it was the truth +that woman would sue a person for liabale if only to get her name in the +paper. And if she happened to be taking dinner with Goldringer, Gawd +knows, its a comparatively free country and he's her manager as well as +mine and its a good thing to assume its only business whenever possible +as thinking the best of people never hurt anybody yet. + +Also across the room all by himself was that young Captain, and he +looked over twice but of course I pretended it was the picture on the +wall over his head which had took my eye. Altogether that strange dining +room wasnt much more lonesome to us than the Ritz or Astor for tea would +of been. But the most remarkable part of the meal was Ma. Because she +didn't touch it! Actually, and it the American plan which would tempt +one of these Asthetics if for no other reason but that you have to pay +for it anyway. And all she took was a piece of meat about the size of a +dime and a leaf of salad. + +"I'm going to stick by what I said if only because you said I wouldnt!" +she says, looking me square in the eye. "Diet is my middle name." + +Well, I mentally give her until to-morrow on that but said nothing at +the time. And we went out into the lounge where Mr. Freddy and three +friends was already lounging and after they had joined us, Goldringer +and Ruby did the same, and the drinks commenced to flow with that +frantic haste like into a river at the edge of the ocean as the poet +says, meaning because its near its finish. While I, never using any +alcohol myself except to remove my make up, sat there flushed with Bevo, +and couldn't help noticing the way the Captain which he was still all +alone, looked over at the menagerie, and it made me boil for how could I +help that piker Freddy and his cheap friends and the rest, and believe +you me there are many perfect ladies in pictures and on the stage, only +the public dont often recognize them because they are swamped with a +bunch of roughnecks which all are popularly supposed to be. + +It was a big relief when the Captain got up and went away about nine, +and left us to a endurance contest as to which could sit up the longest +in that refreshing atmosphere of cigarette smoke and drinks and +ten-dollar perfume with the sad sea waves beating vainly outside the +carefully glass enclosed verandah until one o'clock--when I personally +went to bed leaving them to their fate. + +I give the telephone operator a terrible shock by leaving a call for +seven thirty, and when it come I put on my riding suit which I had left +from a dance called "The Call to Hounds" which Jim and me done at the +Palace just before he enlisted, and went out into the keen morning air. +And it was some air! Then I commenced to look around for horses but had +great difficulty in finding the same, for it seems the Atlantic City +horses dont get up any earlier than most of the visitors, and believe +you me I and a few coons which were picking up scraps and so forth off +the boardwalk, was the only birds in sight at that hour. Well anyways I +walked along breathing in that sweet air at about fifty cents per breath +by the hotel rates, but feeling pretty good in spite of it, when I +actually found a place where the horses was up--or mabe they had been +all night. I got a horse which looked considerable like a moth-eaten +property one but could go pretty good and commenced to ride gently along +what seemed to be my private ocean, when all of a sudden who would I +see but the young Captain riding very good indeed. He come up to me on +high and then tried to put on the brakes when he seen who it was, but +the horse had its mind on something else and wouldnt, so he got by me +but not without a "Good morning!" Which I thought fairly safe to smile +at seeing we was so rapidly going in opposite directions. But it seems +he must of spoke roughly to his steed for he come up behind me and spoke +with just that grand refined Big-Time drawing-room act accent I knew by +his little moustache he would have. + +"I say! What luck!" he says. "You are Miss Marie LaTour, are you not?" + +Was I sore? I was. Any lady would be and of course after the company he +seen me in at the hotel what could I expect but to be picked up? But +more particularly as he had my name and it with a good reputation, and +no one can say different with truth, I simply had to show him where he +got off. + +"Sir!" I says, just like a play. "Sir! I do not know you. Please beat it +at once!" + +"I know, but really!" he begged, flashing that white smile. "I'm not +trying to be impertenant--let me explain...." + +"Explain nothing!" I says very haughty. "I wont listen." + +"But I'm not doing what you think!" he cries out. "Please wait until you +hear...." + +"I've heard that 'please listen' stuff before," I says. "Good-by!" + +And then I done the bravest act of my life, not being really acquainted +with horses, especially Atlantic City ones. I give the horse a lash and +off we went, I trying hard to give the impression of a good rider and +not looking back because I dasn't with that animal headed for the steel +pier full clip. But I heard the Captain's remarks, just the same. + +"By jove, I'll _make_ you listen to me--just for that!" he says. And I +heard no more, for the bird which keeps the horses come out and rescued +me just before we hit the pier and I got off and started for the hotel, +boiling with rage. Me treated like a common chorus girl! Me, once the +best known parlor dancing act in the world, and now even more so on the +motion picture screen and a lady or dead! I wouldnt of looked at that +guy again on a bet--I made up my mind right then and there to show him +his mistake and that if my accent wasnt as good as his my morals was +better and no attempt on his part could get me to speak to him again. + +Well in this state of mind I run into Ma, just before we reached the +hotel which she was hurrying to just ahead of me, and believe you me I +was sure surprised because I never knew her out so early although she +generally is up by seven, but with her curlpapers still on and a kimona +and thats different from coming out in public. + +"I've been taking my exercise!" she says before I could speak. "And I'm +glad to see you do the same," she says. + +And I certainly had to hand it to her strength of mind because after +being out so early and all she eat was only tea and dry toast for +breakfast. + +After which we stopped by the office and just before we got there I see +the Captain give a note to the clerk and walk away. When we asked for +mail that note was the first thing the clerk handed me. + +"Captain Raymond just left this for you Miss LaTour," he says. + +I didnt even open it. + +"Kindly return it," I says, very dignified, giving it back, and looked +over my other mail. But no letter from my husband, which is always the +way on a day a woman most needs one. So I went upstairs very low in my +mind and sort of glad that even if Jim couldn't think to write there was +others would be glad enough to if they was let. And then I went and got +Maison out of bed which she was taking her breakfast in. + +"You come down here for your health and look what you do to it!" I says, +and made her go for a boardwalk which she held out for about half a hour +and no wonder with the heels she wears, and then stopped me with a gasp. + +"Dearie, you surely must be the one that put the hell in health," she +says, "For heavens sakes leave us sit down." + +Well we did, and in about five minutes along comes Mr. Freddy with a +friend, Mr. Sternberg, and it was remarkable how quick Maison recovered +her strength, with the result that we spent a quiet little morning and +about fifty dollars of Mr. Sternberg's money on shooting-galleries and +throwing rings and carousels and a Japanese auction and other restful +seaside sports, and ended at a quiet little café simply done in paper +roses and rubber palm trees where the drinks was only seventy-five +cents per each and I had to sit and watch them again, Ma having gone +off to exercise and not appearing to want me along with her. + +Well anyways I was sort of relieved over not having to eat lunch with +Captain Raymond looking on back at the hotel, and was just thinking of +it when who would come into that café but the Captain himself, alone +except for another officer, a Lieutenant with his arm in a sling and +caught sight of me the very minute he sat down. + +Well of course I didnt look over at him but I couldnt help noticing he +called a waiter and wrote a note on a piece of paper and that the waiter +brought it over to me. + +And Maison seen it too, and her gentleman friends the same, and did they +kid me? They did! But I kept the bird which had brought the note over +while I tore it in two without reading it and sent it back again that +way and believe you me that got over, because I could see Captain +Raymond turn red all the way across the noisy room. + +Well I thought that had settled it and spent a mournful if busy +afternoon in another café where there was lots of smoke and a Jazz band +and dancing and Maison was real happy because she had finally got Mr. +Freddy to spend a nickle and a half. But I was lower than ever in my +mind thinking how much more often some soldiers seemed able to write +than others. + +Well, after we had taken a nice walk in the fresh air nearly three +blocks long, I got back to the hotel to find that Goldringer was giving +a party that night beginning with dinner and of course Ma and me was +booked for it and no escape because of my contract with him. And it was +some party and at twelve o'clock that night I dragged my weary bones +down the corridor after the second day of my rest, feeling that I would +pass out any minute. A person certainly does need their strength to +enjoy a American health resort. + +The next morning I didn't even attempt to get up for any wild west +exhibit. I hadn't the pep for one thing and the Captain was another +reason of course. And when I finally come down-stairs and see Ma eat +practically nothing, I let her set off right away after breakfast +without me for exercise was nothing in my life. I strolled around the +lobby waiting for Maison Rosabelle according to her request and there I +seen a big poster which I had noticed before, the one about the +entertainment for the benefit of blind soldiers which the Captain had +been sitting under the first time I--he saw me, and I went over and read +it and the entertainment was to come off that very night. And while I +was reading it the second time the way a person does in a hotel lobby, +up comes Captain Raymond and actually speaks right there where a sceene +would of proved me no lady. + +"Please, Miss LaTour!" he says. "It's so _important._" + +"Kindly do not force me to call for assistance," I says low and quiet. +"You are a stranger to me." + +"But you dont understand!" he says, flushing up red the attractive way +he had for all he was so fresh. + +"Indeed I do," I says. "I havent been in the theatrical world since +three generations for nothing," I says. "Kindly go _away!_" + +"If you would only listen for five minutes, I'd prove how mistaken you +are!" he says. "Won't you give me a chance?" + +"No!" I says. + +"By Heavens, I'll make you!" he says, half laughing. "I've never seen +anything so absurd! Why my dear lady...." + +Right then up comes Maison in a simple little Xmas tree of a dress in +green and gold and red, and I broke away and took her arm, and hurried +her out through the front door, leaving the Captain staring after us and +rather against Maison's will. + +"Why didn't you introduce me, dearie?" she says. "I kind a thought you'd +pick up that bird!" + +"I didn't pick him up. I turned him down!" I snapped. But Maison kidded +me the whole three hours while we was in the beauty-parlours getting +waived and manicured. + + +IV + +Then we had a nice wholesome little lunch lasting only three hours and +comparatively quiet and by ourselves, seeing there was only Goldringer +and Ruby Roselle and Maison and Freddy and O'Flarety, our leading +juvenile who had turned up, and Mr. Sternberger and a friend of Ma's +which used to be in the circus with her, and Ma and myself. And all the +way through I watched Ma kind of anxiously, for she only toyed with a +little salad and passed up everything else. I was by this time really +scared she would be haggard or something, but she looked fine, and not +a word of complaint out of her, only toward four o'clock she got kind of +restless, and so did I, so we excused ourselves, and walked to the door +together. + +"You needn't come along with me, Mary Gilligan," she says. "I want to +walk real fast." + +I looked at her sort of surprised at that, but at the time the queerness +didn't really sink in. And I was so wore out I was actually glad to let +her go alone and personally, myself, I took one of those overgrown +baby-carriages or rolling chairs which I thought a healthy young person +like myself would never come to, and sank into it like the poor weary +soul I was, and let the coon tuck me in like a six-months-old, and off +we went as fast as a snail. + +Well it was pleasanter than I had thought it would be and I got kind of +drowsy and dreamy and somehow I couldnt help but think of Captain +Raymond and how refined and nice he was and how my fame and beauty had +captured him to the extent that it had almost made him forget to act +like a gentleman, and how he persisted like a regular story book hero. +And I wondered if he would shoot himself on my account, and that threw a +awful scare into me, for handsome women have a terrible responsibility +in the way they treat men. And I wondered was I really doing the right +thing, taking such a risk by treating him so sever and not speaking and +here he was in the service of his country and all and Gawd knows I might +be wrecking his whole life from then on. And furthermore I thought how +hard it is to be refined and what a lot a person has to sacrifice to it, +and that the roughnecks of this world seem to have most of the fun. And +that it was certainly hard to be dignified but that my whole career was +built on my refinement no less than my great talent, and I must respect +my own position. Ah well, uneasy lies the tooth that wears a crown as +the poet says, or something! + +And by this time the coon had got tired pushing me and turning my face +sea-ward had gone to take a rest and I took one too and actually fell +asleep. + +When I woke up I was moving again, going slow in the direction of the +Inlet, and I felt quite refreshed and happy, and the whole of Atlantic +City appeared to feel the same, for everybody I passed smiled and seemed +to be enjoying theirselves. And they all seemed to smile at me in such a +sweet, friendly way it made my heart feel awful good. I was even quite +surprised because although of course I am used to being recognized every +place I go, but still, more people than ever was doing it this +afternoon. I begun to think I must be looking pretty good and that my +hat, about which I had had a few doubts, was a big success after all. It +really was a sort of triumphal progress as the saying is, and I had half +a mind to turn around when we passed the last pier; but the ocean looked +so beautiful and pink in the sunset and going the other way it would of +been in my eyes, so I just let myself be rolled on and on until we was +almost to the Inlet and not a soul in sight. Then the chair stopped and +was turned against the rail. + +"Now I've got you at last!" said a unexpected voice, and around from the +back came, not the coon, but Captain Raymond. + +"Where did you come from?" I asked, hardly able to speak. + +"I have had the honor of pushing you into this secluded corner of--of +the ocean!" he said, his blue eyes twinkling. + +"But how--how . . ." I sputtered. + +"I bought off the colored man while you were sleeping," he said. "And +have been your humble servant for almost an hour!" + +Can you beat it? You cant! + +"Well of all the nerve," I began, remembering how people had smiled, and +no wonder! + +"What are you going to do about it?" he asked. + +"Walk home this minute!" I says, struggling with the rugs. But they had +a will of their own and it was on his side and I just couldnt seem to +get free of them. + +"Oh I say, don't be so absurd!" he says smilingly. + +"I'm not!" I says. + +"Oh but you are!" he insisted. "Just sit still and let me show you +something!" + +Well, there was nothing for me but to give in or look a utter fool, and +he _was_ so attractive! And, well anyways, I waited and he brought out a +letter from his overcoat pocket and it was the very one he had wrote me +first and I had returned it to the hotel clerk. + +"Please just open it!" he begged, and I did and nearly fainted because +inside was a letter in Jim's handwriting addressed to me and introducing +Captain Charles Raymond who was with him in France, only being gassed +was now home on leave and would I show him every courtesy as he had +been good to my ever loving husband, Jim! + +"And really and truly I wouldn't have been so persistant, Miss LaTour," +Captain Raymond was saying as I looked up. "I had intended using it when +I got to New York of course. But when they put me in charge of this +entertainment for the benefit of the blind, and I discovered you were +here, I was simply determined to get you to take part in it. Couldn't +you do us just one little dance? It would be such a drawing-card, your +name would. That was all I wanted, really!" + +Believe you me I didn't know what to think or how I felt. Did I feel +flat? I did! Did I feel relieved? I did!! So it wasnt a mash at all, and +for a moment I felt a lonelier war-widow than ever. Then I remembered +how Jim said in the note to be nice to this bird, and I could see, now +that I looked at him good, that he was the sort which it is perfectly +safe to be nice to. Not that he didnt admire me, either, but that he was +just as refined as me and more so and was Jim's pal beside. So I says +yes, of course I would dance, and we talked and talked and the sun went +down, and got to be real friends and was it good to hear about Jim, +first hand? <b>IT WAS</b>! And after a while we commenced to walk back toward +the hotel, pushing the chair, and the lights was all lit along the walk +like Fairyland, and also in the shops so they was more like show-cases +than ever. And then I got the second shock of the afternoon because at +ten past six with dinner at seven, there was Ma in the Ocean Lunch +eating griddle-cakes, fish-balls, Salsbury steake and coffee, with a +little strained honey and apple-pie on the side! No wonder she could +diet so good! And I take it to my credit that, since she did not notice +me, I never let on that I seen her, not then nor afterward at dinner +when she refused everything but two dill pickles! + +But it wasn't until afterward when I was in the star dressing-room at +the Apollo Theatre, putting on my make-up for the benefit that the real +blow came. I was just about ready to go on when in rushed Goldringer, +all breathless with a cablegram in his hand. + +"Its all right about Olivette Twist!" he puffed at me. "We'll begin +making that fillum Tuesday!" and he threw the message down on my +dressing table. It was signed by our London manager and it read:-- + +"Present location of Charles Dickens uncertain but material is +uncopyrighted, shoot." + +And so immediately after the show, myself and Ma went back to New York +to get a twenty-four hour rest before commencing work again. + + + + +V + +NOW IS THE TIME + + +I + +BELIEVE you me, the world to-day is just about as settled as a green +passenger on a trip to Bermuda. There is that same awful feeling of not +knowing is something going to happen or not--do you get me? You do! And +it can't help but strike even a mere womanly woman and lady like I, that +unless the captain and officers keep a firm hand on the crew until we +get a little ballast in the hold, we are likely to get in Dutch. Not +meaning the Germans necessarily, but the Russians, or something just as +bad. And perhaps it may seem strange for me to know about them +nautchical terms, but anybody which has once been to Bermuda learns what +ballast is on account of their not having hardly any on them boats +because of the water not being deep enough, and believe you me, nothing +I had to do in the fillum we made after what was left of us arrived +there, and it was some fillum at that--$1000. for bathing costumes alone +and me as "The Sea King's Conquest" in silver scales, although hardly +knowing how to swim--was a patch on the treatment which that unballasted +boat handed me on the trip down. + +Well anyways, even when sitting in the security of my flat on the Drive, +which Gawd knows it aught to be secure what with the salary I get and +moving-pictures will be the last thing the common people will give +up;--even with this security and the handsomest furniture any +installment house could provide, and every other equipment which is +necessary to one so prominent in my line as myself, still even in the +scarcity of the home, as the poet says, I am conscious that the world +is, or could quite easily be, on the blink. + +And ain't it the truth? Even the simplest soul, buried in the wilds of +Broadway and wholly absorbed in their own small life must feel the +unrest. No use kidding ourselves about it. It's time for all good +Americans to quit fighting among theirselves and come to the aid of the +country. Regardless of race, creed or color, as the free hospital says, +and Gawd knows the hospital will be where they'll land if they don't. +Do you get me? Probably not. What I mean is, it's time we quit talking +and _did_ something. What? I dunno, quite, but it was this general line +of thought, which come to me while listening to the director give me my +instructions for the ball-room scene in "The Dove of Peace," where I +catch the Russian Ambassador giving the nitro-glycerine or some other +patent face-cleanser to the fake Senator, caused me to reform the White +Kittens. That and Ma's peculiar behavior, plus the new cook. + +You see it come over me all of a sudden that we ladies have now a vote +and so forth, which unquestionably makes us more or less citizens the +same as the men, and if the country went bluey, why wouldn't it be our +fault as well? And I come to this partially through the sense of unrest +and having eat something that didn't settle good and Ma's behavior. All +coming at once they kind of got together and exploded into my idea. + +Well anyways, I had just come to a place in my personal life where I +seen a little peace and quiet ahead and nothing to do but go up in an +aeroplane for the second reel of "The Dove." The war was over without +Jim being killed in it and a new chance offered by a big picture +contract the minute his uniform should be off him; I was going strong +with nothing but Broadway releases and a salary which made Morgan +jealous; my spring clothes hadn't a failure among them and only one of +my hats was too tight in the head. The fool dogs was both healthy, the +cook had stayed a month; the car had been in order for over three weeks, +and I had successfully nursed Ma through the flu. And I thought fat +could not harm me, as the poet says, for I had dieted to-day. When all +of a sudden Ma, who had hardly got over the Influenza, come down with +Bolshevism. + +Now the trouble with these new diseases is that the doctors don't seem +to know anything about them nor what makes them catching. At least that +is the line of talk they pull, but I got a hunch myself, that if the flu +had been quarantined right in the first place it could of been stopped. +Do you get me? You do! And I will say one more word in favor of +Influenza. You was obliged to report it, if only to the Board of Health. +But Bolshevism seems to be like a cold in the head. If you catch it, +that evidently is nobody's business but your own; if you spread it--the +same. Then again folks are kind of proud of having had the flu. It makes +conversation and everything, and one which has escaped feels a little +mortified like admitting they had never seen Charlie Chaplin. Indeed, +people certainly do get a lot of pleasure out of illness and etc. And so +long as it is under control, all right, leave them enjoy theirselves. +They had to suffer first and mabe a little talk is coming to them. + +But with this Bolshevism it's the other way around. The talk comes +first, but believe you me, the suffering will come afterwards. And if +they could only be made to realise this ere too late, a whole lot of +patients would be cured before they got it. A ounce of Americanism is +worth a pound of red propaganda, as the poet says, or would of had he +written to-day. + +Things started with Ma as per usual upsetting the cook which has come to +be a habit with her, for cooking is to Ma what his art is to +Caruso--naught but death could tear her from it permanent. And while I +give her credit for trying in every way to be an idle rich, the kitchen +might as well be furnished with magnets and she a nail for all she can +keep out of it with the natural result that keeping out of it is the +best thing the cooks we hire do. And I can't say with any truth that I +have made as much effort to break her of that as of some other lack of +refinements, such as remembering that toothpicks ain't a public utility +and never to say "excuse my back," or keep her knife and fork for the +next course at the Ritz. Because believe you me, Ma is some cook and a +real authograph dinner by her is something to bring tears of sweet +memory to the eyes of the older generation and leave us young things in +sympathetic wonder about them dear dead days when first class +home-cooking was a custom, not a curiosity. And so while the material +side of life don't interest me much, what with my work and etc. to take +my mind off it, still even a artist must eat or Gawd knows where the +strength to act in the "Dove of Peace" or any other six-reeler would +come from if I didn't, and Ma's is that simple nourishing kind, but with +quality, the same as the sort of dresses I wear--made out of two dollars +worth of material and a thousand dollar idea. + +Well anyways, our latest cook which had a husband in the service and had +took up her work again so's to release him for the front at Camp Mills, +for he got no further, heard he was coming back home, having got his +discharge and it upset her so but whether from joy or rage, I don't know +which, that there was nothing to eat in the kitchen but a little liquor +she had left at seven-thirty, when we went in to see what was the cause +of delay, and me with Maison Rosabelle and a friend to dinner. So Ma +woke her up out of her emotions which she claimed had overcome her, and +give her a honorable discharge of her own and then turned up the ends of +her sleeves, and only a little hampered by the narrow skirt to the green +satin evening gown she had on her, give us a meal as per above +described. And no one would of cared how long it was before the +intelligence office--I mean domestic, not U.S. Army--sent us a cook but +that in trying to save her dress Ma got hot grease on her right hand and +that changed the situation because we had to call up next day and take +anything they had--and they sent us up a German woman. + +Well, believe you me, that was a shock because I had an idea that all +the Germans in the country was either interned or incognito, but this +one wasn't even disguised, which isn't so remarkable on account of her +being pretty near as big as Ma and a voice on her like a fog-horn with +a strong accent on the fog. I never in my life see so many bags and +bundles and ecteras as that female had with her, for she was undoubtedly +one, although she had a sort of moustache beside the voice. But what she +had in voice she certainly lacked in words. When Ma set out to ask her +the usual questions which everybody does, although their heart is +trembling with fear, she won't take the job, this lady Hun didn't +divulge no more information about herself than we asked. She was as +stingy with her language as if it had been hard liquor. Ma asked her to +come in, and she did, and sat without being asked upon one of the gold +chairs in the parlor which I certainly never expected it would survive +the test, they being made for parlor rather than sitting room. + +Well anyways, it's a fact she certainly was a mountain and if she were a +fair specimen, all this about the Germans starving to death is the bunk. +Only her being over here may of made a difference. Well, after she had +set down a bundle done up in black oil-cloth, a cute little hand-bag +about a yard long made out of somebody's old stair-carpet, a shoe-box +with a heel of bread sticking out at one end, an umbrella which looked +like a sea-side one, a pot of white hyacinths in full bloom and a +net-bag full of little odds and ends, she still had an old black +pocket-book and a big bulky bundle done up in a shawl lying idly in her +lap. After I had taken all this in, I gave her personally the once-over +and was surprised to see she wasn't so old as her figure, or anything +like it. For by the size of her she might of been the Pyramids, but her +face was quite young and if she had been a boy I would of said the +moustache was the first cherished down. + +"What's your name, dearie?" says Ma, which I simply can't learn her not +to be familiar with servants. + +"Anna," says the lump. + +"And where do you come from?" says Ma, giving a poor imitation of a +detective. + +"Old Country," says Anna. Well, Ma and me at once exchanged glances, +putting name and place together. + +"German?" says Ma. "Of course!" + +"Swedish," says Anna, more lumpishly than ever. + +And just at that moment the air was filled with a big laugh that none of +us there had give voice to. It was _some_ shock, that laugh, and Ma and +me looked around expecting to see who had come into the room, but it +was nobody. Anna was the only one who didn't seem disturbed. She just +went on sitting. + +"Who was that?" says Ma. + +"It must of been outside," I says, for it was warm and we had the +windows open so's to let in the gasoline and railroad smoke and a little +fresh air. + +"I guess so," says Ma. Then she went back to her third-degree. + +"So you're Swedish!" says Ma. "Can you cook?" + +"Good!" says Anna. "Svell cook!" + +"Well, dearie!" says Ma, "why was it you left your last place?" + +"Too hot!" says Anna. And again me and Ma exchanged glances. + +"Are you a good American?" says Ma. + +"Good American-Swedish," says Anna. And immediately that awful laugh was +repeated. This time it was in the room, no doubt about it. And yet no +one was there outside ourselfs. + +"My Gawd!" says Ma. "What was it?" + +"Somebody is hid some place!" I says. "And I'd like to know who is it +with the cheap sense of humor?" + +"It bane Frits," says Anna. "Na, na, Frits!" + +"But where on earth . . ." I was commencing, when I noticed Anna was +unwinding the shawl off the package in her lap. And then in another +moment we seen Frits for our own selves, for there he was, a big +moth-eaten parrot, interned in a cage, making wicked eyes at us and +giving us the ha-ha like the true Hun he was! + +"Frits and me, we stay!" announced Anna comfortably. "We stay!" + +"But look here," says I, "we didn't start out to hire any parrots." + +"Why Mary Gilligan!" says Ma, and I could see she was scared that if +Frits went Anna would certainly go, too. "Why Mary Gilligan, I thought +you was fond of dumb animals!" she says. + +"And so I am," I says. "The dumber the better. But this one is evidently +far from it! How am I going to figure out my income tax with this bird +hanging around?" + +"Hang in den Kitchen!" says Anna firmly, and at that we gave in, because +cooks is cooks, and what's a bird more or less after all? Still I didn't +like him on account of suspecting he wasn't a neutral any more than +Anna was for all she claimed to be a Swede. I had read a piece in the +paper about where the Germans was pretending to be Swede or Spanish or +anything they could get away with so's to remain free to spread +Bolshevism and influenza and bombs and send up the price of dry and +fancy goods and put through the Prohibition amendment and all them other +gentle little activities for which they are so well and justly known. + +But I thought knowledge is power as the guy which wrote the copy-book +says, and I had the drop on Anna through being on to her disguise and +beside which I could see Ma was going to be miserable if she had to eat +out while her hand was in the sling, and so we took the viper to our +bosom, or in other words, we hired her, and anyways, she had already +accepted the job and it would of been a lot of trouble to get her out by +force. Which, believe you me, a person seldom has to do with servants +now-a-days, and confirmed me about her being German because naturally +people don't hire them, if acknowledging to themselves that they _are_ +Germans any more than they would now deliberately import sauerkraut or +any other German industry. Do you get me? You'd better! + +But in this case there was a reasonable doubt together with a real +necessity, although from what come of it, I feel, looking backwards, it +would of been better to eat out and suffer than to of compromised with +our patriotic consciences like we done at that time. Because there is +_no_ reasonable doubt but that Anna's coming into the house was greatly +responsible for Ma's catching Bolshevism. + + +II + +NOT that she caught it off Anna directly, because for once we had a cook +which couldn't talk or understand American and so there was no use in +Ma's hanging around the kitchen worrying the life out of her. And so the +very first morning Anna was on the premises, Ma commenced hanging around +and worrying the life out of me. + +It happened we was waiting for the aeroplane I was to go up in to arrive +at the studio, and so for once having my morning for myself, I thought I +would just dash off my income tax return, and be done with it. + +But it seems that this is one of the things which is easier said than +done, the same as signing the peace-treaty, and believe you me, the last +ain't got a thing on the former and I don't know did Pres. Wilson make +out his own income tax return or not. But if he did and the collector of +Internal Revenue left him get by with it as he must of or why would the +Pres. be in Paris, which is out of the country, well anyways, if the +Pres. did it alone, believe you me, he will get away with the treaty all +right, and probably even write in this here Leg of Nations under table +13, page 1, of return and instructions page 2 under K (b) without having +to ask anybody how to do it, he having undoubtedly shown the power to +think. + +Well anyways, I had taken all the poker-chips, silk-sale samples, old +theatre programs and etc., out of my desk, found my fountain pen and a +bottle of ink, and was turning that cute little literacy test around and +over to see where would I commence and had got no further than the +realization that most of my brains is in my feet instead of behind my +face, when Ma comes in and commences worrying me because she could not +cook nor yet crochet like the lillies of the field, or whatever that +well-known idle flower was. I tried to listen at least as politely as +is ever required of a daughter to her mother, but when I was trying to +figure out my answer to question No. 5 and getting real mad over its +personalness, I couldn't stand to hear her complain over not being able +to crochet them terrible mats she makes which are not fit for anything +except Xmas presents, anyways. + +"The trouble with you, Ma," I snapped at last, "is that you aught to get +a live-wire outside interest. You're getting out of date. Ladies don't +crochet no more and even knitting has been dished by the armistice. You +never read a newspaper or a book. You should go in for something snappy +and up to the moment like literature or jobs for soldiers, or business, +or something." + +This got Ma's goat right off, like I hoped it would. + +"Oh, so I'm on the shelf, am I?" she says, "well, leave me tell you Mary +Gilligan, if it wasn't for us back numbers you new numbers wouldn't even +_be_ here, don't forget that! And after having been the first American +lady to do the double backward leap on the two center trapeses, I can +hardly be called a dead one, even if a little heavier than I was. And +from that time on I have never ceased to be forward." + +"You'd have to show me," I says, grimly. + +"All right, I will," she says. + +And believe you me, she did. She went and got on her dolman and her +spring hat and left me in wrath and the midst of that income tax with +that "I'll never come back" air so familiar to all well-regulated +families. + +Well, as I sat there struggling over where to put the × and = marks, and +how much exemption could I get away with and still be on speaking terms +with myself, and wondering whether the two fool dogs was dependents or +not--which they aught to be, seeing how helpless they are and a big +expense and Gawd knows I keep them only for appearances and they aught +to come under the head of professional expenditures, because no +well-known actress but has them to help out the scenery--well anyways, I +was deep in this highly high-brow occupation in the comparatively +perfect silence of my exclusive flat where ordinarily we don't hear a +thing but the neighbors' pianola and the dumb-waiter and the auto horns +on the drive and the train just beyond--well, this comparatively for +New York, perfect silence was broke by an awful yell in the apartment +itself. + +"Anarchy!" a terrible voice hollered. And then again "Anarchy! Anarchy!" + +Believe you me, my blood turned to lemon soda for a moment and the boys +in the trenches never had worse crawling down the back than me at that +minute, coming as it did right on top of me, writing in opposite to B. +income from salaries--you know--$60,000.00. The silence which followed +was even worse. And I sat there sort of frozen while expecting a bomb +would go off any minute, and Gawd knows sixty thousand is a lot of +money, but any one which investigated the true facts could quickly see +that I earn every cent of it and anyways brains has a right to the +bigger share, not to mention ability, and if the way I worked myself up +from the lower classes ain't proof of what can be done single-handed in +America, I don't know what is, and anybody which works as hard and lives +as decent as I done can do the same, not that I want to hand myself +anything extra, only speaking personally, I am in a position to know. + +But just the same I wasn't reasoning at the minute and the justice, as +you might say, of my case didn't occur to me until later. As I sat there +trying to remember to think, the voice yells it again, only this time +with additions. + +"Anarchy! Love Anarchy! Pretzel!" + +And then I realised it was that parrot belonging to the new cook. + +Can you imagine my feelings on top of my suspicions of her? You can! I +got up and went into the kitchen to see if a bomb was may be being +prepared for our dinner, but not at all. The kitchen was scrubbed to the +last tile, something that smelled simply grand was baking, the white +hyacinths was in the sun on the window-sill, and Anna was humming under +her breath while she rolled out biscuit-dough. The radical parrot was +shut up, but only as to mouth, he being loose and walking about the top +of the clothes-wringer, making himself very much at home, and giving me +_some_ evil look as I come in. + +"Aren't you afraid he'll get away?" I says. + +"Huh?" says Anna, stopping rolling, and blinking at me. + +"Lose him--parrot----!" I says, pointing to him and flapping my arms +like wings. + +"Frits?" she said. "Na--Frits like liberty!" + +And that was all I could get out of her. I stuck around for a few +minutes more, until Anna commenced to give me the cook's-eye, that bird +backing her up and sneering at me while dancing slowly on the wringer, +but not moving a step. So I got out and back to the parlor but not to my +work which Gawd knows I had to take it over to the bank and leave them +do it for me after all--but sat down instead to consider them two +suspicious birds in the back part of the flat. I personally myself was +convinced that there was something very wrong about Anna. But so far she +had said nothing under the espionage law exactly and I didn't know could +you arrest a bird for too much liberty of speech even though it loved +anarchy, and liberty and everything and was undoubtedly capable of +spreading propaganda what with the voice it had. + +Well anyways, as I was holding my marcelle wave with both hands and +racking what little was underneath it over the situation, I heard the +key in the lock and in come Ma all flushed and cheerful and pleased with +herself and handed me another jolt. + +"I had a real sweet, pleasant morning," she says, taking off her gloves +and hat and wiping her face with one of them big handkerchiefs like she +used to carry in the circus and will not give up. "A real nice time," +she says, egging me on to question her. + +"Where have you been?" I says, like she wanted me to. + +"Oh, just to a little Bolsheviki meeting," she says, casual. And picking +up her things she started for her room. + +"Hold on, Ma!" I says, having managed to get my breath before she +reached the door. "Say that again, will you?" + +She turned and come back at that, still keeping up the careless stuff. + +"Certainly," she says, "Bolsheviki meeting. Are you interested in this +up-to-date stuff?" + +"Interested!" I says. "Of course I am. I'm against it. Why Ma Gilligan!" +I says. "Do you know what Bolshevism _is?"_ + +"Do you?" says Ma, sweetly. + +"No!" says I. "And neither do they. But I am sure it's the bunk, and I +feel it's wrong, and I am ashamed of you going!" + +"How old-fashioned of you, dearie," says Ma. "Have you ever heard a +speaker or been to a meeting?" + +"I don't need to!" I says short, being kind of at a loss. + +"Well, I have!" says Ma, triumphant. + +"Where was it at?" I demanded. + +"Down to the circus," says Ma. "In the Bear-wrestler's dressing room. I +went to call on some of the folks and get the news and Madame Jones, the +new automobile act--very distinguished lady--got me to it. A most +exclusive affair, with only the highest priced acts invited!" + +"And who spoke?" I says. + +"Kiskoff, the bear-wrestler," says Ma. "It certainly was interesting." + +"What did he say?" I says, it getting harder and harder to remember I +was a lady and she my only mother. "What did he say?" + +"I dunno!" says Ma. + +"You don't know!" I fairly yells. "And why don't you know?" + +"Because he only talks Russian!" says Ma, and walked out, leaving me +flat. + +Well, believe you me, I was that upset I scarcely took any notice of my +lunch, although it was a real nice meal, commencing with some juicy kind +of fish and eggs and ending up with pancakes rolled up and filled with +cream curds and powdered sugar. + +Ma took to these eats immensely, and she and Anna exchanged a couple of +smiles, which made me feel like the only living American. And when later +in the day Ma told me she thought she'd join the Bolshevists if she +didn't have to be immersed, and that this Kiskoff's life was in danger +for his beliefs just like the early Romans and nobody knew where he +lived, but was a man of mystery, I couldn't stand it another moment, but +beat it for a long walk by myself because my nerves was sure on edge and +that aeroplane stunt facing me next week. + +But the walk wasn't altogether pleasant, at least not at the start or at +the finish, because when I come out of our palatial near-marble front +stoop, there was a guy standing which might just as well of had on the +brass-buttons and all because you could tell at once by the disguise +that he was a plain-clothes cop. Not that I am so familiar with them, +but their clothes is generally so plain any one could tell them. Do you +get me? You do! + +Well anyways, this bird was standing opposite our door, and at the +second glance I had him spotted or nearly so, and when I come back from +walking fast and wishing to Gawd Jim was back to advise me and occupying +our flat instead of Germany, the fly-cop was still there by which I +became certain he was one; the more so as I watched him from a window +once I was in, and the way he kept camouflaging himself as a casual +passer-by, ended my doubts. + +Well, was that some situation? It was! Here was myself, a good American +though but an ignorant woman, surrounded by all the terrible and +disturbing elements of the day; with everything which aught to be kept +out of every U. S. A. home creeping into mine, and all so sudden that I +hadn't got my breath yet much less any action. In fact, I was sort of +dizzy with what was happening, and my head didn't quiet down any when, +after dinner that night, I heard deep voices out in back. + +"Anna has company!" says Ma in explanation. "Two of them, and I think +they are talking Russian. At any rate one has a beard almost as handsome +as Mr. Kiskoff's." + +This got my angora, and while no lady would ever spy on her cook, this +was surely a exception and so I took a quiet peek in through the pantry +slide and there was Anna and two big he-men all talking at once. The +window was open a little ways from the top and on it was Frits, also +talking in Russian or something, and no earthly reason why he couldn't +take his liberty and go right out if he had really wanted it. And still +another jolt was handed me when I realised one of the men was our very +own ice-man! + +Believe you me, when I went to bed that night in my grey French enameled +Empire style I was wore out with the series of jolts which the day has +handed me. But it is not my custom to sit back and talk things over too +long. I have ever noticed that the person which talks too much seldom +does a whole lot, and that a quick decision if wrong, at least learns +you something, and you can start again on the right track. And no later +than the next day after a funny, though good breakfast, of coffee and +new bread with cinnamon and sugar baked into it and herrings in cream, I +commenced to act. + +"Ma, are you going to keep up this Bolshevist bull?" I says. + +"I am!" she says. "You told me to do something modern and I'm doing the +very modernest thing there is!" + +"You are going to be wrong on that by this P. M.," I says, "or to-morrow +at latest," I says, "because there is or aught to be something moderner, +and that is United Americanism!" I says. "And since the only way to +fight fire is with it, I am going to start a rival organization and +start it quick!" I says, "and I'm going to do it on a sounder basis than +your people ever dreamed of because we'll all talk English so's we'll +each of us know what the organization is about!" + +"Why Marie La Tour!" says Ma, which it's a fact she only calls me that +when she's sore at me. "Why, Marie La Tour, what is your organization +going to do?" + +"I don't know yet beyond one thing," I says, "we are going to _get +together_ and keep together!" + +And so, without waiting for a come-back or any embarrassing questions, I +hustled into a simple little grey satin Trotteur costume which is French +for pony-clothes and left that homefull of heavy-weight traitors where a +radical parrot yelled "Anarchy" from morning till night, and even the +steam radiators had commenced to smell like dynimite. And having shut +the door after me with quite some explosion myself, I had the limousine +headed to the White Kittens Annual Ball Assn., which I was due at it on +account of all the most prominent ladies in picture and theatrical +circles being on the committee and I naturally being indespensible if +only for the value of my name. So I started off but not before I noticed +that the same plain-clothes John was again perched opposite my front +door. + + +III + +ALL the way to the Palatial Hotel which the meeting is always held in +the grand ballroom of, I kept getting more and more worked up. Things +had certainly gone too far when Bolshevism had spread from the parlor to +the kitchen or visa-versa, I didn't know which, and my own Ma being +undoubtedly watched by the more or less Secret Service, all because of +her having taken a fancy to them whiskers of this Kiskoff cockoo, which +is the only explanation I could make of it, and after being a widow +twenty years she aught to of been ashamed of herself. Still, it was a +better explanation for her to of lost her head than her patriotism, and +I tried to think this the case. And my own position was something to +bring tears to a glass eye, what with my well-known war-work and a +perfectly good husband still in the service. And I had made a threat to +take action, and had no idea what it would be, only that now I certainly +had to deliver the goods. + +Well anyways, in despair and the limousine, I finally arrived at the +Palatial and there in the lobby was several other White Kittens which +were also late, so we give each other's clothes the once-over and asked +after our healths and etc., and then hurried up in the elevator to where +the meeting had already commenced. + +Believe you me, my mind stuck to that meeting about as good as a W.S.S. +which has been in your purse a month does when you find your card. The +room was as full as could be with the biggest crowd I ever knew to turn +out for it. But somehow while I am generally pretty well interested in +any crowd, this time nothing seemed to register except my own thoughts. +Even the chairlady couldn't hold my attention partially because she was +Ruby Roselle, and what they wanted to elect that woman for I don't know +because her head is certainly not the part of her which earned her +theatrical reputation and a handsome back is no disgrace and if that +and a handful of costume is art far be it from me to say anything: but +it is neither refinement nor does it make a good executor for a live +organization like the Kittens. And what is more, any woman which had her +nose changed from Jewish to Greek right in the middle of a big feature +fillum can't run any society to suit me, not to mention the fact that as +I sat there watching her talk I come slowly to realize that she had +several jewels and a couple of friends which was found to be pro-Germans +and been interned, although nothing was ever proved onto Ruby herself. + +Still, coming on top of what I had been going through the last couple of +days, I took a sudden suspicion of her being lady-chairman to one of +America's oldest organizations of the female gender, it having been +formed 'way back in 1911. And what is furthermore, as I sat there hating +her with her synthetic Christian nose and her genuine Jewish diamonds, +the big idea come at last--a way to at once get something started before +she did, because how did I know but she'd have the orchestra play "die +Watch on Rinewine," and feed us on weenies and pumpernickle for supper +at the ball if something radical wasn't done at once? That is, I mean +radical in the right sense, of course. So when she says "Any other +remarks?" I jumped to my feet quick before she could say "the meeting is +injoined." + +"Yes, Miss Ruby Schwartz Roselle, there is," I said. "I will be obliged +to have the floor a minute." + +"You can have it for all of me, dearie," says Ruby, sweetly, as she +recognized her enemy. "Miss Marie La Tour has the floor." + +And then without hardly knowing what I was doing and forgetting even to +feel did my nose need powder before I commenced, I began talking with +something fluttering inside me like a bird's wing. You know--a feeling +like a try-out before a big-time manager. But behind the scare, the +strength of knowing you can deliver the goods. + +"Ladies and fellow or, I should say, sister-Kittens!" I commenced. +"There was a time when the well-known words 'Now is the time for all +good men to come to the aid of the party' so thrilled America that it +has become not alone printed in all copy books, but is the first +sentence which is learned by every typewriter. But since then times have +changed until, believe you me, now is the time for all good parties to +come to the aid of the nation in order to show all which are not +Americans first just where they get off, and ladies, we here assembled +are a party not to be scorned, what with a sustaining membership of over +five hundred, and more than a thousand one-dollar members. And what is +more, though admittedly mere females we have a vote in most places now, +including this state, and while I have no doubt you have always intended +to be good citizens, having the vote you are now obliged to be so." + +There was quite a little clapping at this, so I was encouraged to go on, +although Ruby's voice says "Out of Order!" twice. Well, I couldn't see +anybody that was behaving disorderly, so I just went ahead with my idea. + +"And so my idea is this," I says. "That all Americans, whether lady or +gentleman citizens, should get together in one big association for U. S. +A. Actually get together instead of leaving things be. An association +is, as I understand it, intended for purposes of association. And why +not simply associate each association with every other, canning all +small private schemes and party interests on the one grand common +interest of Bolsheviking the Bolsheviks? I'm sure that if all parties +concerned will forget they are Democrats or Republicans or Methodists or +Suffragists--even whether they are ladies or gentlemen, and remember +they are Americans, nothing can ever rough-house this country like +Europe has been in several places, for in Union is Strength, in God we +Trust, but He helps those who helps themselves, and if we'll only drop +our self-interests and make the union our first idea, God help the +foreigners which tries to help themselves to our dear country!" + +By this time the girls was giving me a hand the like of which I never +had before on stage or screen, because their hearts were in them. Do you +get me? You do! And it was quite a spell before Ruby could get order, +although she kept pounding with the silver cat's-paw of her office. +Finally, when she could make herself heard, she says very sarcastic, + +"And how does Miss La Tour suggest we commence?" she says. + +"By unanimously voting ourselfs 'The White Kittens Patriotic Association +of America,'" I says at once. "Call a extra meeting to change the +constitution temporarily from annual Balls and festivals for the +benefit of indignant members, to a association for associating with +other associations as before suggested. Use part of the money from the +ball just arranged for, to advertise our idea in newspapers and +billboards, and believe you me, by the time we ladies get that far, some +gentleman's association will be on the job to show us a practical way to +use ourselves!" + +Well, the Kittens seemed to think this all right, too, and in spite of +Ruby, the next meeting was called and we broke up in high excitement, +and I was surrounded by admiring friends all anxious to tell me they +felt the same as me, and so forth and etc. And finally, after I had been +treated to lunch by several of them, not including Ruby, I collapsed +into my limousine, and said home James, and set my face flat-ward with a +brave heart which knew no fear on account of having accomplished +something worth while. Even the sight of the obtrusively unobtrusive +bull still waiting like the wolf at the door, didn't dampen my spirit. + +And it was not until I got upstairs that I commenced realizing that my +own home would be the first place to set in order, and how could I be a +great American female leader with a Bolshevist mother and a German +cook, and how could I preach a thing with one hand and not practice it +with the other? Of course, I could fire the cook, but how about Ma? It +was she herself settled that part of it the moment I stepped into the +parlor, for there she was all alone except for the two dogs, and what +was more, all of a heap, beside. + +"Well, thank goodness, you decided to come home, Mary Gilligan!" she +says. "Something awful has happened!" + +"Not Jim?" I gasps, my heart nearly stopping, for he is always the first +thing I think of. + +"Jim, nothing!" says Ma. "It's poor Kiskoff!" + +"Oh, him!" I says, relieved. "What of it?" + +"They arrested him this morning!" says Ma, all broken up, the poor fish! +"Arrested him just before the meeting!" + +"Good!" I says. "I knew they would. The hound, he couldn't go around +forever talking Bolshevism!" + +"It wasn't for that," says Ma. + +"Then for what?" I says, blankly. + +"For back alimony!" says Ma, almost in tears. "It seems he married a +girl out in Kansas several years ago, and they parted when the circus +left, and it wasn't Russian he was talking, but Yiddish! He speaks +English as well as me." + +"And I suppose you'll tell me next that he wasn't talking Bolshevism," +says I. + +"He wasn't--he was only asking them to join the circus-workers' union +Local 21--" says Ma. "He explained it all to the cops!" + +"Ma!" I demanded solemnly, a light coming over me. "Ma, have you +honestly got any idea what this Bolshevism _is?_ Come on, own up!" + +"Certainly!" she says. "It's something like Spiritualism or +devil-worship, ain't it? A sort of fancy religion!" + +"Nothing so respectable!" I says very sharp, yet awful relieved that I +had guessed the truth. "No such thing. Bolshevism is Russian for +sore-head. Religion my eye! It's about as much a religion as small-pox +is!" + +Oh! the handicap of having no education! I certainly felt sorry for Ma. +But I needn't of because she give me one of them looks of hers which +always turns my dress to plaid calico and pulls my hair down my back +again. + +"Well, daughter, why didn't you say so in the first place?" she says, +just as if she'd caught _me_ in a lie. But I let it pass and +apologized, I was so glad to find she was a fake. And Ma promised to +leave them low circus people alone for a spell and come back to the +White Kittens again. I then announced I was going out and fire Anna. At +that a look of terror came over Ma's face, and she restrained me by the +sleeve. + +"Be careful how you go near that kitchen!" she says warningly. + +"For heaven's sakes, Ma!" I says. "What's wronger than usual out there?" + +"I dunno, but I think something is!" she says. "I believe it's a bomb!" + +"A bomb!" I says. "Whatter you mean?" + +"Anna is out to market," says Ma, "and the one with the black beard like +poor Kiskoff's brought it. 'For Anna,' says he, and shoved it at me, and +snook off down the stairs like a murderer." + +"Brought _what?"_ I says. + +"The bomb, of course!" says Ma, impatient herself. + +"How do you know it's one?" I says, a little uneasy and wishing I had +fired Anna before she got this swell chance of firing us. + +"Well, it looks just like the one in the picture where them three +Germans blew theirselves up in the newspaper!" says she. "And it ticks." + +"My Gawd!" I says. "Where is the thing?" + +"On the kitchen-table," says Ma. + +"Well," I says, bravely. "I think I aught to take a look at it anyways." + +"I wished you wouldn't," says she. But she came down the hall after me +like the loyal mother she is, and the two of us stopped at the +threshhold as the poet says. + +And there, sure enough, in the middle of the spotless oilcloth on the +kitchen table lay a mighty funny looking package, about the size of a +dish-pan and done up in that black oil-cloth them foreigners seem so +fond of. And between yells from that radical parrot, who commenced his +"I love Anarchy!" the moment he set eyes on us, we could hear that +evil-looking package tick as plain as day. + +Well, what with a mother and a father both practically born on the +centre trapese and used myself to taking chances since early childhood, +I don't believe I'm more of a coward than most. But I will admit my +heart commenced going too quick at that sight and the radical bird was +as usual loose in the place, and didn't make my nerves any easier. But +a stitch in time often saves a whole pair of silk ones, and remembering +this, I took some quick action. I turned up my georgette crepe sleeves, +and the front of my skirt so's not to splash it, and made straight for +the sink, keeping my eye on the centre-table all the while. + +"Look out!" screams Ma. "What are you going to do?" + +"Throw cold water on it!" I says. And filling the dish-pan I took a long +sling with it, and pretty near drowned the kitchen table, to say nothing +of the scare I threw into Frits. As soon as he quit, we listened again, +but my efforts had been in vain, for the thing was still ticking--slow, +loud ticks, and very alarming. + +"No good!" I says, sadly. "We'll have to take severer measures!" + +"Well, what'll they be?" says Ma. + +"There's a plain-clothes cop outside looking for trouble," says I +grimly, "and here is where I hand him a little," says I. + +And then, without waiting even to roll down the georgettes, I hurried to +the window and looked out. Like most cops, he couldn't be seen at first +when wanted, but finally he came into view and I tried to catch his +attention, but was unable to at first. But finally he heard me and +looked up, and I beckoned. + +"Bomb!" I says. "Hurry up!" + +And did he hurry? He did! I would not of believed a man his size could +do it, but he must of beat the elevator, for it never brought me up that +fast. When I let him in, his lack of surprise was the most alarming +thing which had yet been pulled. He evidently _expected_ a bomb to be +here. + +"By golly, we'll get them now!" he says triumphantly. "We been watching +this place for two months on account of having it straight that there is +a bunch of Bolshevist bomb makers in this building or the next one, and +this is the first time anything has stirred! Where is your bomb? Lead me +to it!" + + +IV + +WELL, I didn't lead him exactly. Since he was so set up about it, I let +him go ahead, but Ma and me followed close behind and told him the way +and everything. When he came to the kitchen door Frits let out a yell +"Anarchy! I love Anarchy!" and you aught to of seen the cop stagger in +his tracks for a minute. But he came to immediate, and we all stood at +attention while he give that bundle the once-over. It was ticking away +as strong as ever. + +"Hey! get me a pail of water, quick!" says the cop. I did it, and then, +I will certainly give him credit for it, he grabbed up the bundle and +plunged it in with both hands just as Anna come in at the door. + +Believe you me, I never saw anything so funny as what happened then. The +cop took his hands out the water and stood there dripping and staring at +her. + +"Hello, Anna!" he says. "What you doing here?" + +"Ay bane working!" says Anna. "How you bane, Mike?" + +"Pretty good!" he says. "But kind of busy with a bomb we got here. Stand +off while I take a look. It has quit ticking and I guess it's drownded!" + +He lifted the wet bundle out, and the minute Anna sees it she set up a +yell as good as one of her pet parrot's. + +"That bane mine!" she says, making a grab for it. But Mike held her +off. + +"Yours, eh?" he says, severely. _"Yours!_ Well, we'll just have a look +at it, my girl!" + +With which he undid the string, unfolded the oilcloth, and there was a +big new alarm-clock with the price still on it--2 beans--and a round, +heavy cheese! + +"Bane youst a present from may feller!" says Anna coyly. + +Well, did we feel cheap? We did. And in addition to that Mike, the smart +and brave young cop, was disappointed something terrible. + +"Who is this Anna?" I asked him soon's I got my breath. + +"Oh, a Swede girl--I know her a long time," he says foolishly. "Used to +entertain me in the basement when I was on the regular force. She's +_some_ cook! You're lucky to have her." + +And just then this ex-pro-German Bolshevist cook we was so lucky to have +starts to yell again! + +"Frits! Oy! Frits!" she says. "He bane gone! Make un yoump back!" + +And sure enough, there was Frits on the fire-escape of the flat next to +us. He had give one hop and a flutter and got across, where he sat, +silent for once in his life and giving us the evil-eye. + +"Yoump back," says the cook in passionate entriety. "Yoump back to your +Aniky that you love! All day you yell you love may an' now you leave +may!" + +And as she said them words still another weight was lifted from my +shoulders, although not from hers, for instead of jumping back, that +radical bird which it seemed was not a radical after all and acting like +the most conventional parrot in the world, commenced to climb up the +fire-escape of the other apartment house, like he was leaving us +forever. + +"Yoump!" implored Anna, but he just climbed, instead. + +"Here, wait, and I'll get him!" says Mike. "Glad to do it, Anna. I can +step across easy enough!" + +Anna held his coat, and he swung hisself over to the other side almost +as neat as a picture-actor, and commenced following that mean-hearted +bird up and up, story after story, until that animal led him in at a +open window about three flats above. We waited in silence and, believe +you me, I had about commenced to believe that bird and he was never +coming out again, when down comes Mike, the bird tucked into his vest, +his face simply purple with excitement. I never seen any acrobat work +swifter or quieter than he did. He landed on the kitchen floor and +closed the window behind him before he even give Anna her bird. + +"The telephone!--quick! The telephone--headquarters at once--I've got +that guy this time at last! And to think that a damn bird had to find +him for me!" + +And it was the truth. Frits, far from being an alien, was a good little +American parrot and had actually led the cop to the very place he had +been looking for all that while, and they arrested two guys and +everything! + +And after they got through the phone rang and there was Goldringer's +voice. + +"The aeroplane has come, Miss La Tour," he says. "When will you be +over?" + +"First thing in the morning!" I says, relieved to think of a quiet day +ahead. Ain't it grand to have work you love to do? It's so restful! + + + + +VI + + +THE GLAD HAND + + +I + +I SEE a piece in the paper where that ex-leading headliner of the old +German Big-Time Circuit, William Hohenzollern, him that used to appear +in the spiritualistic act known as "Me and God," claims he had no hand +in starting those fireworks in Europe which has recently ended in a +Fourth of July celebration. And although myself a good American and +looking with doubt upon any statement known to be German, I am sort of +inclined to believe him. At any rate, to believe that he was not the +whole cheese in the matter, but only a sort of limp limberger, or swiss, +and full of holes. Because it's my experience personally myself, that a +strong personality with a clean-cut idea can usually get a thing done if +they elect theirself boss and stick on the job until it is finished, but +if they call a committee meeting and discuss the action before them, +the whole idea is likely to get stalled. Why, look at Congress! Not that +I, being a mere lady of the female sect, know why or how they get +stalled, or on just what. But it's a cinch they do and are, and you can +prove it by any editorial page in the country. And it seems that Billy +the Bone-head, confessed to the reporter, which managed to get this +Sunday story printed, that a committee meeting of Yonkers or something +was called about the war, he, Bill the Badman, not having the bean to go +to it alone, and it was them ruined the war, or so he says. Which goes +to show that not alone in the theatrical and moving-picture worlds do +the heads of departments alibi their flivvers, but also in the +King-business, and it's a habit which may even yet ruin the former, as +it pretty near has the latter, unless they quit shirking and deliver +better goods. Because if the Head Has-Been had had any real thinker and +had thought up the war all by his little self and forced it on his +book-keeper, cashier and so forth, he might of got away with it like +Napoleon and Rockefeller and Eva Tanguay and a lot of them which has +thrust riches and success upon theirselves. + +But no committee can ever do that sort of thing. It takes a +single-handed personality, and I guess mabe the biggest bluff Germany +has had to confess to is her ex-leader. He seems the A-1 example of how +true it is that well-known tailors' ad, "Clothes make the man." Also it +inspires me to invent a quotation to hang beside the famous one of +Shakespeare's, I think it is "Do it now!" which you see so often, mine +being "Do it yourself!" Well, you will if you are the able one on a +committee. Everybody which has served on one knows that every committee +is composed of the one which does all the work and three to six others +which uses most of their vitality and imagination in thinking up excuses +and offering them. + +Well, anyways, the foregoing is why I simply eliminated the other +members of my Theatrical Ladies' Committee of Welcome to Our Returning +Heroes. And eliminating them was so simple, too. I just didn't call any +committee. And why would I, what with the knowledge I had gained through +former experiences? Believe you me, a lady which learns by experience +is a great little time-saver, although admittedly rare, but in my line +you don't fall out of a air-plane more than once, and any successful +picture actress and dancer like myself will tell you the same. So as to +committees, none for me, thanks just the same, as the man said to the +soda clerk the morning of July first, 1919 A. D., which is Latin for +Anti-Drinking. Not that I will ever again try to get into the +strong-character class with the aforementioned celebrities, for a +reputation for doing anything well is as good as a signed contract to do +it. And my advice to young girls is, don't let it be known you can do +anything well or you'll have to deliver constantly. Look as ignorant as +possible whenever anything is suggested except the thing you are burning +to get after, or your time will be taken up with a lot of useless +side-lines that get you nowheres. There is a person for every job if you +just let the job alone until the right person finds it. Did you ever +notice the way simps which can't do a thing always get it done for them? +You have! Well--from this on, here's where I look like a poor fish +whenever anybody outside of a motion-picture magnate or a theatrical +manager makes a noise like work to be done. + +All the amateur stuff can be taken care of by the sweet womanly women +who ain't got anybody to support except their dressmakers, and not by a +mere professional earning near a hundred thousand a year like I. My +final lesson on working with volunteer boards and committees is a +un-wept memory, and believe you me, that Chateau Terry battle had +nothing on some of the War Relief Committee board rooms I seen in +executive session and keep the home fires burning is right, we done it, +especially the White Kittens Belgian Relief, which it's a fact we nearly +split over whether we'd print our postcard appeals on pink or yellow +cards! + + +Well, anyways, I suppose these relief committees was a big help to them +that was on them if not to any one else, and after all a lot of money +somehow got left to do good with after expenses was paid. But the +biggest relief I know of come from relieving ourselfs of them relief +committees, and the last of all was the Welcome Home one. + +I wouldn't of gone on it in the first place only I was so low in my +mind. And who wouldn't be a little low even with my cheery disposition +after such a morning as I went through, first commencing with the loss +of Maude. + +Not that I had ever liked her nor 'Frisco, her husband, either, but +losing her was worse than living with her any day, and when Ma come in +and broke the news I wasn't in any mood for it, struggling as I was over +the joint contract which Goldringer had just sent on from Los Angeles as +a nice surprise and welcome for Jim which we were expecting to hear he +would be leaving France any day now. It called for seventy-five thousand +per each of us for six joint pictures, our expenses to the coast, and I +was holding out for a car while there and a special publicity man of our +own to be paid by them, but chosen by us, meaning Rosco, which has so +faithfully let the public know every time I sneezed these last five +years and has a way of disguising a two column ad so's the editor thinks +it's a news item. + +Well, anyways, I was reading through all that foreign language portion +of this contract and had waded past about a page of "to wit, viz.: party +of the first part" stuff, which sounds like it didn't mean anything, +but is where they sometimes slip one over on you, when in come Ma with a +big home-made cruller partly in her hand and partly in her face. She was +dreadfull agitated but had to get rid of the first part of the second +party before she could speak, and I put in a few seconds of watchful +waiting, wondering how could she do it, for Ma had put on at least +thirty lbs. the last few months and believe you me, she was no slif +before then, weighing some amount she would never tell just what and +anybody knows what that means with a woman. But up to just recent she +had gone through spells where she was making at least the faint motions +of dieting, or when not that, sighing and saying she hadn't really ought +to over every second helping but taking it. Do you get me? You do! + + +Since she had heard Jim was coming back, however, she had taken to +eating everything in sight regardless. It give me real pleasure to think +of any mother-in-law feeling that way about her daughter's husband and +dancing partner coming back, for with many mothers it is nothing of the +kind. So I made no remarks upon the cruller, and finally Ma give a gulp +and gasped out the bad news. + +"Maude is gone!" she says. + +"Gone?" says I. "Whatter you mean, gone?" + +"I can't find her no place!" says Ma. "And I looked everywheres!" + +This give me a most unpleasant feeling down my back, and I got to my +feet in a hurry. + +"Are you sure she ain't hid?" I says, "like the last time," I says. + +"Come and see for yourself!" says Ma, and I went, you can bet on that! +And sure enough, she wasn't in the box. Ma lifted the wire off the top +and lifted out the two old sofa cushions we had put in for comfort and +only Maude's husband, 'Frisco, was there. He was as usual lying in about +five coils like a boiler-heater, with his wicked-looking flat head on +the top, and he stuck out his oyster fork of a tongue, and give us a +little hiss, much as to say, why was we always disturbing him. But no +Maude. + +"Ma!" I began, catching a guilty look on her face. "Ma Gilligan, you +left that snake out again! After all the times I ast you not to!" + +"Well, it was just for a minute!" she says. "I was playing with her, and +then I thought maybe the crullers I had made was cool by then and I went +and got a few and when I come back she was gone!" + +"Well, she's got to be found, that's all!" I snapped. "All this comes +from you insisting on keeping in with them low circus people and +boarding their acts for them!" + +"But Madame Estelle had to stay with her husband when he fell offen the +trapeze and they so devoted!" says Ma. "And I didn't take the big +snakes--the substitute is using them--but only her own dear pets which +the landlady wouldn't leave her have in her room." + +"And now one of them is loose in _my_ room!" I says, "which is the +general result of charity which, as the poet says, had ought to begin at +home," I says. "And you know, Ma, how I feel about snakes. There's +nobody in the psycopathic ward got anything on me. If only they had even +a few feet instead of so many yards, I wouldn't mind them so much." + +"Well, now Mary, I'm real sorry," says Ma. "But not half so sorry as +Madame Estelle will be if anything happens to Maude! I'm real fond of +the little beauty myself, and if you had been with a circus all the +years I was, you would understand her better!" + +Well, believe you me, it wasn't a lack of understanding with me, it was +a religious conviction, and why not, for hadn't them beasts made trouble +beginning with the original eviction of undesirable tenants, and was I +to think it likely that our own janitor would be any more lenient if +Maude was to get, say, as far as the elevator? Keeping snakes never got +a tenant in right yet and loose ones might set the first of May forward +as many months as was necessary. Not to mention my own personal feelings +in the matter, which it's a fact I once broke a contract on the +Small-Time years ago because a snake-charmer come off just as I was +going on and I used to meet her and them in the wings every time. + +Well, anyways, I will say it for Ma, she certainly turned in and helped +me make a thorough search for Maude, which was going some for a lady of +her figure. Looking for a vanished snake in a apartment means +considerable gymnastics, because nothing can be overlooked with safety, +and I didn't want that parlor-eel slipping anything over on +me--especially her cold stomach in the middle of the night across my +face, for instance. + + +So I and Ma looked under all the furniture and in the pedalcase of the +pianola and in the vases and behind the steam radiators, back of the big +gold clock, inside the victrola, under the rugs, back of the pictures on +the wall and every place:--but no Maude. Finally we even took a look out +in the hall, although we knew nobody had opened the front door, and +after that we opened the wall safe where we keep our diamonds in a +stocking, this being a compromise between Ma's habits and my +common-sense. And then we had a peep into the ice-box where Ma found a +saucer of pudding which she had someways overlooked at supper but no +snake. + +And after we had felt under the bath-tub with my best lavender umbrella +which what with the limousine it was the first use I ever had for it, +and then taken a forlorn hope into the soiled-clothes hamper, we give it +up, and sat down with ruined georgette blouses and perfectly wild +looking hair and all heated up like a couple of wrestlers. Any one +coming in then would of thought we had been indulging in a family +discussion of some kind, and for a matter of that it's the truth. I said +a few raw remarks about the kind of a home she run for me and I working +as hard as cider to keep it and now she left snakes around, Gawd knows +where, and how would a artist like myself get the rest to do justice to +my work on the bomb-explosion scene in the last reel of "Bosh or +Bolshevik?" which I was going to be shot in only the next day, and if +she had to support me instead of I her, she would have a right to leave +any animals or minerals around she chose, but this was my flat and +although Gawd knew she was welcome, pretty soon we would have none if I +was to be made a nervous wreck out of instead of the biggest nerve in +pictures. Yes, I said that and a lot more pretty mean stuff as only a +daughter can--for even with my refinement I am but a mere human after +all, and under the glittering success of my career is several common +human failings and at times I act no different from any less well-known +female in the bosom of my family. + +So I had the last word and Ma was in wrong and went to get lunch without +a come-back out of her. Alas! Had I but canned that foolish chatter of +mine! But how could I know she was going to act like she done later +because of it? You can't remember forwards and if a person could, it's +ten to one they'd quit before they was off the bottle and go back to +Heaven whence they come, life being so full of mistakes you could of +avoided if only you had done something different from what you did! + + +II + +Well, anyways, Ma went back to the kitchen to fix up a little snack of +waffles and honey and poached eggs on hash and cream-cake and +strawberries with a cup of cocoa and whipped cream for a light lunch, +her lunches being light about the way a "light" motor truck is, and I +went back to my joint contract and was so mad I concluded to write into +it not alone expenses and Rosco but a cottage or bungaloo, as it is +called in Los Angeles, while out there. With which I wrote a refined but +firm letter to Goldringer, saying this was my final word on the matter +and spoke also for Jim. Then I enclosed the contract and Ma called out +the cocoa was getting cold and so I stamped and put it in the hall-slot +which I never have a feeling any letter going down it is headed for +anybody except maybe the devil, and not even him unless it don't get +stuck on the way. And then I ate, though not with much appetite, what +with expecting any moment to see Maude crawl out from some place, and Ma +being quiet to a extent not to be fully accounted for by three plates of +waffles. It wasn't natural in her, that quiet, but I remembered the +doughnuts and laid it to the sequence. Still I tried to get her to talk, +as talking, if about herself, generally cheers her quite a lot. + +"Anything ail you, Ma?" I says. + +"Nothing much," says Ma, lighting into the cream-cake. "Nothing to speak +of." + +"Tell me about it then!" I says. But Ma wouldn't. She heaved a big sigh +and handed me a substitute for what was really on her mind. It was +something just as good, I credit her for that. + +"You know the stuff you ordered from Schultz?" she says. + +"You mean the wet goods I ordered to keep Jim from parching to death +this summer?" I says, because although Jim is far from a real drinking +man, he having his profession of dancing always in mind even after +eleven P. M. and Gawd knows never fails to realize that sound +acrobatics is the basis of all good dancing which a drunkard never yet +was, or at least not for over two seasons; still, in spite of all this, +Jim is a mere male and a drink or two, especially if difficult to get, +is not by any means objectionable to him. And beside he had been two +years in France and I didn't want him to feel it had anything on America +when he come home, even if I had to go so far as to myself personally +replace what Congress had taken away. Do you get me? You do! And I had +done it as far as my bank account, cellarette and the liquor-dealer +permitted. Which looked like it was going to postpone the drought quite +sometime for us. And while here and there stuff like champagne and +brandy and vermouth had to be bought, like remnants on a bargain +counter--just kind of odds and ends of each--I had one satisfaction out +of the buy, and that was getting a case of Old Home Rye--absolutely the +last case in the city--probably the last in the whole entire U. S. A., +and it was Jim's one best bet. A high-ball of this--just one--with his +dinner was about his exact idea of drinking, and I had calculated that +the three gallons, taking it at his rate would last him pretty near a +year, and by that time some new vice would surely of been invented to +take its place. + + +Well, anyways, I had ordered it and paid for it, and there wasn't any +more of it anywheres, and it and the contract with Goldringer was two of +the best surprises I had for Jim. + +"Well," says Ma. "I can't say I approve of the demon Rum coming into +our--your house, but once money is paid out, I like to see the +goods--_all_ the goods, delivered," she says. + +"What's this leading up to?" I asked. + +"To the way that man Schultz cheats you!" says Ma. "He didn't send the +Old Home Rye!" + +Believe you me, never have I been handed a meaner deal than that, no, +not even the night Goldringer first heard of me and came to see my +try-out for the big time and my pink tights didn't come. + +"Ma!" says I. "Why don't you call him up and find out why didn't he?" + +"I've done that!" she says. "And he claims on his oath it was sent with +the rest. I spoke to the boy which brought it and then to Schultz +himself. They both claim they give it to Rudie." + +Rudie was the janitor but he had missed his profession. He had ought to +of been a sleight-of-hand man, for he could make things disappear in a +way which would of delighted a morning matinée audience, especially +those under twelve years of age. Believe you me, though, he was never +known to make anything grow where nothing had been before--not rabbits +or even silk handkerchiefs, but it's the truth that he had onct or twice +caused a vanished quart of cream to reappear if given a sufficiently +hard call quick enough after it was missed. And the minute I heard he +was cast for a part in my tragedy, I decided to hear him read his lines +right off without no delay, because it was practically impossible that +he could of got away with more than a quart yet and I was prepared to go +through the business of believing him when he come to the description of +how he had dropped it by accident and too bad but it broke. + +Which was all right in theory, but Rudie did nothing of the kind. +Evidently so long as he was lying he had made up his mind it was as +well to be killed for a case as a quart, as the poet says, and when I +sent for him and he had kept me waiting while he sifted the ashes and +pounded on the steam pipes and talked to the garbage man and got a light +from the cop and chatted with the elevator-girl and a few little odds +and ends like that just to show me where I got off, he finally decided +to come up. Well, it was seven months to Xmas, so what could I expect? +Anyways, he finally made his entrance, down R. C. to footlights, in my +Louis-size drawing-room, leaving tracks behind him which Ma spotted with +a angry eye as fast as he laid them, and with all the well-known +courtesy of the proletariat he looked me in the eye. + +"Well?" he says. + +"Say, Trotsky!" I says, for I had never liked this bird, as he was on +one continued drunk. "Look here, Lenine," I says, glad of the chance to +insult him. "A case of fine whisky at sixty dollars net seems to of been +avoidably detained in your dug-out. I expect that with a little +searching you can stumble on it. And as for that bottle you broke by +accident, don't bother to mention it," I says, "because I am gladly +doing so for you," I says. "Only kindly find the rest and we will also +forget about this morning's cream." + +Probably I hadn't ought to of been so generous, for Rudie sort of swayed +a little and give me a pleasant childlike smile out of his unshaved +doormat of a face. + +"Dunno wash you mean!" he says, real pleasant. + +"Jim is right about the kick in that stuff," I says, eyeing him +critically. "You certainly have a swell bun!" + +"Why, Mish La Tour!" says Rudie. "Don't drink a dropsh! Never toush it." + +And with that he give a sigh of disappointment in me which made the +place smell like a bar-room! + +"But of coush I'll shee if itsh down stairsh!" he says. + +Well, there was no use in arguing with him, I could see that all right, +all right, but I left him know I wasn't swallowing any such a poor alibi +as his own word. + +"All right, you second-hand shock absorber!" I says. "Maybe I can't jolt +the truth out of you, but I will hand you one small piece of information +before you take your reluctant departure. You'll find that whiskey or +the cops will. And if they don't get me a judgment against you, one +will come from heaven, that's a cinch, for you not only got the stuff, +but you took it off a returning soldier which is a bigger crime than +mere patriotic stealing would be," I says. "You wait and see what'll +happen to you if you don't come across! We got a long score to settle, +we have, and right always wins out in the end, and that's my middle +name!" + +Well, he went away very proud and hurt to think I would suspect him of +such a crime, he being that kind of a drunk. Do you get me? Of course! +Gosh! How I do hate to see a person in liquor; really, I think +prohibition will be a good thing for all of us, and was myself only +storing up a little, for exceptional reasons. And when a person begins +talking about federal prohibition and their constitutional rights I +can't help but wonder why they don't consider it in the physical as well +as the political sense. + +Well, anyways, it was a blow to lose that Old Home, and awful irritating +on top of Maude. And then, while pulling myself into one of these new +accident-policy-destroying narrow skirts which belongs with what is +through courtesy called my new walking suit, the hall-girl brought the +mail and Musette give it to me in the midst of my negligee and struggles +and I stopped dead when I seen the first letter, for it was marked +"Soldier's Mail" and only one which has some one expected home and at +the same time welcome, can know how that particular mark thrills. +Musette observed me register joy so she registers it too, and I tore +open the envelope forgetting the skirt which had a death-grip on my +knees, and opened up the page in Jim's dear handwriting. + + +Did you ever come to a time in your life where you had one trouble on +top of another until it seemed like nothing more could possibly happen +except maybe the end of the world, and then something still worse was +pulled on you? You have! Well, this letter was pretty near the end of +the world to me--at least a distinct postponement of anything which +could with any truth be called living. For Jim wasn't coming back with +the 70th after all! As I read his words in that dear boyish handwriting +of his which he never had time to learn to write better, being like +myself quicker with his feet than hands, my eyes filled with tears and +I stumbled to the day-bed as good as I could with the skirt, and sat +down. It seemed he had been put in charge of some special work in Paris +and it might be six months before he'd get sent home! Six months! And me +getting all ready for a second honeymoon inside of six weeks! And +instead of being out in the wholesome country with me at Saratoga or +Long Beach or Niagara Falls or some place, he would be in Paris! That +was what I had to face and any woman will readily understand my +feelings. + +Believe you me, I didn't care for Maude or the Old Home or the contract +or anything for over three-quarters of a hour. And I had to wash my face +and powder my nose three times after I was finally dressed on account of +breaking down again when just completed. + +Whenever a person has a real sorrow come to them the best way to do is +control it quick before it controls you. So after I had indulged in the +womanly weep which certainly was coming to me, I braced up and got into +the new suit with the idea of taking as brisk a walk as it would allow +of. Then I put on a new hat which I had intended for my second +honeymoon but which would never see it or him, as it would undoubtedly +be out of style by the time Europe had made up its mind one way or +another, and I was just going to leave when the bell rung and Ma come in +to say it was a caller. + +"It's that Mr. Mulvaney from the Welcome Home Committee, the one that +had you on the 'phone yesterday," says Ma. And after a minute I kind of +caught control of myself and says well, all right, I would see him and +went in. + +Well, it sure is strange the birds they pick out for these deeds of +synthetic patriotism. This one come from the neighborhood of Fourteenth +Street and must of got his appointment of chief welcomer from the way he +give the glad hand. You would of thought he was cranking a flivver that +wouldn't crank the way he kept on shaking after any real need was past. +And if he was to of greeted each of the boys the way he done me, the +army wouldn't be demobilized in our generation! Also he had a suit on +him which spoke for itself and a watch-chain which must of posed for +them in the cartoons of Capital--do you get me? Sure! I and he had had a +long talk on the telephone as per above, and so as soon as he left go +his cinch on my hand, he got right down to business. + +"Now, Miss La Tour--er--it--er--gives me great pleasure to think you +will take charge of the Theatrical Women's Division," he says. "Er--I am +a great admirer of yours--that picture you done, 'Cleopatria,' +now--great stuff!" + +Well, I let that pass, because how would such a self important bird as +this know my art when he sees it, and if he enjoyed Theda, why not leave +him be? I changed the subject at once for fear he would be confusing me +with Caruso next. + +"And so I'm to spend ten thousand of the hundred thousand iron-men +raised by the Welcome Committee?" I says hastily. "How nice. What will +it go for?" + +"That is for you and your committee to decide," he says. "I'm sure you +will think up something tasty," he says. "And go to the limit--we need +ideas." + +Well, anybody could see that. But I only says all right. + +"I suppose you are familiar with committees?" says this human +editorial-page-sketch. + +"I'm never too familiar with anybody," I says stiffly. "But I have been +acquainted with more than one committee." + +"Well, here are the papers I promised you--the general scheme and so +forth. The central committee will meet as is indicated here. See you at +them. Pleased to of seen you off the screen! You certainly was fine in +'Shoulder Arms'!" + +And before I could get my breath he had looked at a handsome watch no +bigger than a orange, humped into his coat and was off in a shower of +language that left me no come-back. + +Believe you me, I was glad when he had squoze out through our typical +apartment hall and the gilt elevator had snapped him up. For to hand me +ten thousand to spend on welcoming a bunch of other women's husbands +was, to soft pedal it, rubbing it in. I was only about as upset as that +spilled milk that was cried over and no wonder at 18 cents a qt. Well, +anyways, it was no light thing to face, going on with this work and +Jim's letter scarcely dry from my tears. But having promised over the +telephone and being given no chance to refuse in the parlour, I would +keep my word if not my heart from breaking. + +Because, anyways, if I was simply to do nothing to occupy myself except +maybe a few thousand feet of fillum and rehearsing my special dance act +for the Palatial and my morning exercises and walking my five miles a +day and all that quiet home stuff which gives a person too much time to +think, what would I think, except a lot of unprintable stuff about any +administration which was keeping him in a town like Paris, France? And +the only comfort I could see in sight was to work hard to give the boys +that _was_ coming a real welcome and remember that Jim never was a +skirt-hound--that I ever saw. + + +III + +Having reached this resolve I decided to go on the walk I had mapped out +anyways, because what is home with a disappeared snake in it? And so I +started, and as I come past the door in the lower hall, which its marked +"Superintendent," which is Riverside-Drivese for Janitor, what would I +hear but Rudie singing to himself out of the fullness of his heart or +something. + +I went out in wrath and the spring sun and after a while I begun to +feel less sore and miserable in my heart, partially because of the fresh +air and partially through irritation at the stylish trouser-leg that +both of mine was in. But the day was too sweet for a person to stay mad +long. Ain't it remarkable the way spring can creep into even a city and +somehow make it enchanted and your heart kind of perk up and take +notice--do you get me? You do, or Gawd pity you! It's the light, I +guess, just the same as the audience holds hands when they turn on the +ambers with a circular drop for a sunset or something. + +And by the time I had walked along the Avenue and seen all the +decorations which was already put up for the first regiments home, I +commenced getting real fired and excited with my new job. It looked like +the powdered-sugar industry was going to suffer because about all the +plaster in the country seemed to be being used on arches which looked +like dago-wedding cakes and you actually missed the dolls dressed like +brides and grooms off the top of them. And here and there was some funny +looking columns of the same white stuff and on the Public Library steps +a bunch of spears and shields was thrown all over the place just as if +a big Shakespearian production had suddenly give it up in despair and +left their props and hoofed it back to Broadway. It certainly was +imposing. + +Up at 59th Street was a arch that looked like Coney Island frozen solid. +It was all of little pieces of glass:--heavy glass and millions of +pieces. I don't know what good they did, but they shone something grand, +and must of cost a terrible lot of money. I guessed the boys would +certainly feel proud to march under it provided none of it fell on their +heads. + +Believe you me, by the time I got home my head was full of imaginary +architecture like Luna Park and Atlantic City jumbled together with a +set I seen in "The Fall of Rome" when we was shooting it at Yonkers. And +after I had squirmed out of my walking suit and was a free woman once +more, in a negligee, which is French for kimona which is Japanese for +wrapper, well, anyways, I lay in it and opened up the evening paper +because I am not one to let the news get ahead on me and have acquired +the habit of reading it regular the same as my daily bath. + +But it was hard to keep my attention on it because Maude was still +missing and also I kept thinking, when not of her, of the lovely arches +and so forth my ten thousand would build. I had about settled on +pink-stucco, with real American beauties strung on it and a pair of +white kittens in plaster--symbol of the best known Theatrical Ladies +Association in Broadway, and I expect the world--at the top, when I +opened the paper again and I see something which set my mind thinking. + +"70th will add thousands to ranks of unemployed." + +Yes, that's just what it said. And I went on and read the piece where it +said how enough men to start a real live city was being fed at +soup-kitchens and bread lines, not in Russia or Berlin, but right in N. +Y. C., N. Y., U. S. A.! Somehow, coming right on top of all their arches +and so forth, it sort of struck me in the pit of my stomach and give me +the same sinking sensation like a second helping of griddle-cakes a hour +later--you know! The thought of all that money going on arches that +after they was once marched under was no good to anybody but the ones +which built them and the ones which carted them away, had me worried. +Think of all the soup that glass and plaster would of made! Do you get +me? You do or you're a simp! And it also besides struck me that while +the incoming boys would undoubtedly enjoy them city frostings, them +which had already marched under them and was now in the bread-line must +be kind of fed up with it. Then I thought of the ten thousand intrusted +to me to spend which had been gladly given in small sections by willing +citizens who wanted to do some little thing to show appreciation to the +boys which had went over there, and I begun to realize I had been told I +could spend it anyways I wanted to. + +And when I thought of that pink arch and roses I blushed, although +nobody had, fortunately, heard me mention it, except the two fool dogs, +aloud. + +Believe you me, I then see like a bolt from the blue, as the poet says, +that arches was all right in their way but they was in the traffic's way +at best and made mighty poor eating. And so naturally with Ma having it +continually before me, I thought of ten thousand dollars worth of eats, +because while there is quite a lot of red X canteens for men in uniform, +how about the poor birds which had just got out of a uniform and not yet +got into a job? Besides there is something kind of un-permanent about +food unless a salary to get more with follows it as a chaser. + +And so I lay there in comfort all but for the thought of Maude, and +figured and figured what would I do. It seemed it was a cinch to get +money from people to give the boys a welcome but what to spend it on was +certainly a stiff one. But after a while I commenced to get a idea. +Which it's a fact I am seldom long without one when needed which +together with my great natural talent is what has made me the big +success I am. + + +Work! That was the welcome the boys needed. Work and a little something +substantial to start on. So this is what I figured. Suppose we was to +divide up that ten thousand, how many boys would it take care of, and +how? + +Say we had ten men. A thousand each. Too much, of course. Twenty men. +Five hundred per ea. Still too much. Well, then forty men. Two fifty. +Well, they could use it of course, but it was not a constructive idea. +It was too much for a present and not enough to invest. So how about 80. +Well, that was $125. per man. This was doing something pretty good by +eighty men that would very likely need it, but it seemed sort of unfair +not to take in more of the boys. So I split it again and had one hundred +and sixty boys with $62.50 in their pockets. + +Well, I felt kind of good over this idea and there was only two real +troubles with it which is to say that $31.25 for three hundred and +twenty boys looked nicer if there was only some way to handle it right. +But how? + +I put in another hard think and then I got it. The way to make that +$31.25 a real present was to make it a payment on something and then +with the other hand pass out a job at the same time, which would not +alone keep the soldier but allow him to cover the difference. + +And to get away with this all I needed now was a popular investment and +320 perfectly good steady jobs. + +Well, with the Victory Loan the first part was easy enough, and I +concluded to pay twenty-five dollars on each of three hundred and twenty +one hundred dollar victory notes, making myself responsible for the lot +the same as if I was a bank and getting a job for each note and having +the giver of the job hold the note on the soldier and pay me the +instalments and I would pay myself back, or if not nobody would be stung +outside of me, supposing any one of them failed to come across. I was +going to take a big lot for myself and another ten didn't much matter. + +And then with the remaining $6.25 each, well, I would pool that for +leaflets enough to go around the whole division and on the leaflet I +would have printed the facts and a list of the jobs and just what they +was, with how much kale per week went with them, and see that the boys +got them while the parade was forming and then it would be up to them, +because the home folks can only do so much and then it's up to the army +their own selves just as with munitions and sugar and red X work while +the big show was on. They did the work but we gave them the job--we and +the Germans. And now all we could do again was to give them a job--and +it's enough, judging from how they went after the first one. + +And then, just as I come smack up against the awful fact of where would +I get them jobs Ma come in and says the hot-dogs and liberty-cabbage +which it's the truth we always translate them into American at our +table, was getting cold and as long as I was paying for them I'd better +eat them while they was fit. So I says all right and we went in and did +so. + +Believe you me, it certainly is a remarkable thing the way you start on +a afternoon's work like I done, all full of vigor and strength and how +your ideas and courage and everything will sort of leak away toward the +time to put on the feed-bag at Evensong. And how again the ideas and pep +comes back in the evening once you have eaten. There was almost perfect +silence the first few minutes we sat down or would of been except for Ma +taking her tea out of the saucer, which I can't learn her not to do and +the only way I keep her from disgracing me at the Ritz and etc., is to +make sure she don't order it. But when the first pangs was attended to I +commenced to feel more conversational. + + +"Work," I says, thinking of what I had been thinking of. "Work is the +one thing that stands by a person. Everything else in life can go bluey +and their work will see them through. That's why it's been so popular +all these years, and where these Bolsheviks make their big mistake. +Because they don't work and not working they get bored to death and so +they commence rioting. Do you remember that quotation from that +well-known cowboy poet, Omaha Kiyim, "Satan will find business still for +idle hands to do?" How good that applies to strikes--idle hands--ain't +that perfect? And it written so long ago!" + +"How long?" says Ma. + +"Oh, I dunno. Maybe three hundred years," I says. + +Ma laid down her knife and spoon, she being quite entirely through, and +looked me in the eye. + +"I will remember them words, daughter," she says very solemn. + +And it's the truth I never noticed how serious she was about it until I +come to look back on it nearly three weeks later. + + +IV + +And during that time which has been so immortally fixed in writing by +the grandest book with the same name, I was as busy as the great +American cootie is supposed to be on his native hearth--only it ain't +that piece of furniture but another, of course. Do you get me? I'm +afraid so! Well, I was as busy as what you think. To begin with I called +a committee-meeting in the privacy of my grey French enamel boudoir +where I wear my boudoir cap and have the day-bed hitched and this +committee meeting consisted entirely of myself and the two fool dogs. +And after I had gone through all the motions, I appointed myself a +sub-committee of one to carry out the meeting's resolutions and do all +the work. + +This is about what would of happened if I had done it the regular way +and asked Ruby Roselle and Maison Rosabelle and the other girls. We +would of had a mahogany table and a gavel and a pitcher of ice-water and +a lot of hot-air and a wasted morning and in the end I would of been the +goat anyways, so I thought why not do it single-handed in the first +place and be done? I could print all their names on the leaflets and +they would be perfectly satisfied. + +So having got over the necessary formalities as you might say, I +accepted the nomination and got to work. Fortunately I wasn't doing +anything except a solo dance at the Palatial at supper-time and one +picture. And so I had most of my days to myself. The Fixings on the +Avenue grew and blossomed and so did my contribution to the Welcome Home +Committee. I didn't get to go to any of their meetings but I don't +imagine they even missed me at the time. And while the arches and other +motion-picture scenery was being as completed as they ever would be, so +was my list. My monument took up less space, but when you gave it the +once-over it seemed maybe a little more rain-proof than the others. +Apparently all there was to it was slips of paper six by eight with this +printed on them. At the top it says: + + "WELCOME HOME" + + "HOWDY BOYS, AND OUR HEARTFELT THANKS! + + DO YOU NEED A JOB? HERE ARE THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY AND A VICTORY NOTE + + GOES WITH EVERY ONE!" + +Then come the list. I will put down a part of it so you can realize what +a assortment of things has to be done to keep the seive in civilization. + + 4 handsome juveniles for motion-picture work--stage experience + unnecessary. + + 2 experienced camera men. + + 2 marcel-wavers. + + 6 chemists, Marie La Tour Complexion Powder Co. + + 2 salesmen, Marie La Tour Turkish Cigarette Co. + + 16 waiters, Palatial Hotel. + + 1 traveling man, Marie La Tour Silk Underwear Co. + + 2 experienced lineotypers, Motion Picture Gazette. + + 2 experienced pressmen, Motion Picture Gazette. + + 1 publicity man, experienced, Motion Picture Gazette. + + 3 fillum cutters. + + 1 stylish floorman. Must be handsome and refined, not over 30. + Apply Maison Rosabelle, Hats and Gowns. + + 1 orchestra complete, with leader. Apply "Chez La Tour" (my old + joint of parlour-dancing days). + + 30 chorus men. + + 2 sparring partners for Madame Griselda, the famous lady-boxer. + +And etc, add affinities, as the Romans used to say. And every one a real +genuine job paying good money. And getting them nailed was no cinch, +believe you me, except, of course, I being such a prominent person I +didn't have as much trouble as some would of. Especially where a firm +was using my name on something, they could hardly refuse me. I seen +everybody personally myself, and only the bosses and in the end nobody +had turned me down except the one from which I had bought my new +bear-cat roadster for Jim's welcome home present and it was _some_ +roadster, being neatly finished in pale lavender with yellow +running-gear and a narrow red trim and tapestry upholstery on the seats +which was so low and easy you involuntarily started to pull up the +blankets after you got settled. You know, the kind of a car you have to +look up from to see which way the cop is waving. + +Well, anyways, you would of thought the bird which had sold it to me for +cash money, him being the manager of the luxurious car-corrall himself, +would offer to take on some of the boys. But no, he says there was too +many auto salesmen in the world already, and that they had ought to be +diverted into selling some of the new temperance drinks where their +trained imagination would undoubtedly be of great value. + +Well, anyways, he was the only one turned me down and I had the slips +printed and stored away in a couple of cretone hat-boxes and commenced +allotting the victory-note pledges. And then I tripped over the fact +that I was a job short. There was the stuff all printed, and a job too +short and it the night before the big parade! Well, I decided that when +the time come I would make the extra job if I couldn't find it, and +believe you me, I was as wore out looking for them as a Ham with his +hair cut like a Greenwich village masterpiece. Not that I ever saw one +and I have often wondered where the artists which drew them that way, +did. + +But in the meantime I had got hold of the Dahlia sisters, and Madame +Broun and La Estelle, and Queenie King and a lot of other easy-lookers +and had it all fixed for them to be on hand below Fourteenth Street at +ten o'clock to give out the slips while the boys was mobilizing or +whatever they call it. And then just as I was getting into the limousine +with Musette and the two cretone hat boxes full and the two fool dogs +and Ma, who would come up to me but Ruby Roselle with a new spring set +of sables which it is remarkable how she does it in burlesque, still far +be it from me to say a word about any person, having been in the +theatrical world too long not to realize that it is seldom as red as it +is painted and that the coating of black is only on the outside. + +Well, anyways, up she comes from her new flat which is only two doors +from mine and a awful mean look in those green eyes of hers under a +sixty dollar hat that looked it, while mine cost seventy-five and looked +fifteen, which is far more refined only Ruby would never believe that: +which is one main difference between her and I. And she stopped me with +one of those deadly sweet womanly smiles and says in a voice all milk +and honey and barbed wire, she says: + +"How's this, dearie, about the Theatrical Ladies Committee," she says. +"I only just heard of it from Dottie Dahlia," she says. "What was it +made you leave me off?" + +Well, seeing that the armistice was not yet broken I felt I might let +her distribute a few leaflets, although I had left her name off the +signatures at the bottom on account of her never having proved she +wasn't a alien enemy to anything besides dramatic art, which hadn't to +be proved. So I handed her a string of talk about this being a small +affair and how I had thought she would of been too busy to do anything +just now, which made her mad because there is some talk on account of +that she wasn't working just then. But she took a few leaflets and read +the signature at the bottom. "Theatrical Ladies' Welcome Committee" and +got real red in the face. + +"Why, my friend Mr. Mulvaney spoke to me about this!" she says. "I was +to of been treasurer, or something! Do you mean to say you spent ten +thousand dollars on _them!"_ and she pointed to the leaflets like a +one-act small-time. + +"Yep!" I says. "Take 'em home and try 'em on your piano!" I says. "But +you will have please to pardon me now. I got to beat it!" + +And with that I climbed in with the rest of the family and we was rushed +down town to N. Y.'s Bohemian Quarter, where the 70th Division was about +to hang around waiting to parade. Which it is certainly remarkable the +places the highly moral U. S. A. Government picks out for her soldiers +to wait about in say from Paris to Washington Square, and I think their +wives and sweethearts have stood for a good deal of this sort of thing, +to say nothing of wives and sisters being kept from going abroad. I +don't know have any homes been broken up this way, but I will say that +Marsailles and Harlem would of listened better to the patiently waiting +homebodies. + +Well, anyways, down we went to the amateur white lights, and by the time +we reached Twenty-Third we begun to run into bunches of the boys. Bands +was playing and all, and--oh my Gawd, what's the use trying to tell +about it? There was plenty to tell, but ain't every one _seen_ it? If +not at N. Y. C., why in some town which may be more jay but with its +heart in the right place, and the heart is the thing which counted this +time as per usual. Believe you me, mine was in my throat and so was +everybody elses when they seen them lean brown boys with their grown-up +faces! + +Well, we stopped down to Eleventh and Sixth and got out and commenced +walking around handing out the leaflets, and at first they weren't +taking 'em very seriously, but pretty soon they began to get on to who I +was and of course that caught them and a good many tucked the slips +inside their tin hats and all of them pretty near had seen me in "The +Kaiser's Killing" and I got pretty near as big a ovation as I had tried +to offer them. And as for the parade they was very good-natured, but it +seemed to me that as usual the stay-at-homes in the grandstands was +getting the best of it and the boys doing all the work, for parading, no +more than a first-class dancing act, ain't quite the pleasure to the +ones that does it, that it is to them that only stands and waits, as the +saying is. + + +V + +The crowds on the Avenue was something fierce, and the only ones which +had the right of way, outside of officers and cops, was the +motion-picture men. I seen Ted Bearson, my own camera man from the +Goldringer Studios, and Rosco, my publicity man, and they was talking +together. I stepped back in among the boys, because I wasn't looking for +any personal publicity myself on this particular day, wishing to leave +all that to the division and I knew that if Ted was to see me he would +shoot me. + +But ain't it the truth that the modester a public person like me is, the +more attention they attract? My sweet, quiet voice, silent though snappy +clothes, and retiring manner have been in Sunday spreads and +motion-picture magazine articles practically all over the world and +America, and my refinement is my best-known characteristic. Publicity is +like men. Leave 'em alone and they simply chase you. Pretend you don't +want them, and you can't lose them. And the more reluctant I am about +being noticed, the wilder the papers get! Only, of course, without a +good publicity man this wouldn't, perhaps, be a perfectly safe bet. + +So this day, having got rid of all my leaflets, I was slowly working my +way toward the Avenue, when publicity was thrust upon me. + +You know this Bohemian part of New York is made up of old houses which +is so picturesque through not having much plumbing and so forth and heat +being furnished principally by the talk of the tenants on Bolshevism and +etc. These inconveniences makes a atmosphere of freedom and all that and +furnishes a district where the shoe-clerk can go and be his true self +among the many wild, free spirits from Chicago and all points west. +Well, this neighborhood could stand a lot of repairs, not alone in the +personal sense, but in a good many of the buildings, but these are +seldom made until interfered with by the police or building departments. +And on the corner of the street which I was now at there was a big old +house full of people who _did_ something, I suppose, and these were +mostly bursting out through the open windows or sitting on the little +balconies which looked like they couldn't hold a flower pot and a pint +of milk with any safety much less a human. But there they was, sitting, +with all the indifference to fate, for which they are so well known. I +couldn't but notice the risk they ran, but I should worry how many +radicals are killed, and so I paid but little heed until I noticed that +there was three little kids--all ragged children of the dear +proletariat--which some of the Bohemians had hauled up on a balcony +which was too frail for adults. The minute I see that balcony I was +scared to death, although the short-haired girl and the long-haired man +which was letting the kids out on it was laughing and care-free as you +please. The kids got out all right, and then something awful happened. + +Right below was a open space at the head of this particular column, +where the officers and color-bearers and etc was. Rosco and Ted was +getting a picture of them. But while I generally watch a camera, this +time I didn't on account of watching the kids. And as I looked that +rotten old balcony broke and one them, a little girl, fell through and +hung there, caught by her skirt, and it a ragged one at that. Everybody +screamed and yelled and sort of drew back, which is the first way people +act at a horror before they begin to think. I yelled myself, but I +started toward her, because the radicals couldn't reach her from above +and from below the ground was fully twenty feet away and nothing but a +fence with spikes and a dummy window-ledge way to one side. But I had a +idea I might make it for what with two generations on the center trapeze +and never a drop of liquor and not to mention what I done in pictures, I +think quicker than some and act the same. But my new skirt prevented, +and ahead of me dashed a soldier. + +In a minute he had scaled the wall and worked his way along the spikes +to that ledge, and then while the crowd watched breathlessly he had +that kid under one arm and was back on the wall again. He held her +close, turned around, crouched down and then jumped. And as he jumped I +screamed and run forward, for Oh My Gawd, it was Jim! + + +I don't know how I got there, but when I come to I and that scared kid +was all mixed up in his arms and the three of us crying to beat the band +which had struck up and the crowd yelling like mad. And it was a peach +of a stunt, believe you me. + +"Didn't you get my cable?" Jim says. And I says no, and we clinched +again. And then we heard a funny, purring sound right behind and broke +loose and turned around and there was that devil of a Ted taking a +close-up! + +"Hold it! Damn you, hold it another ten feet!" yells Rosco, who was +dancing around like a regulation director, just back of Ted. "Fine, +Fine! Oh, boy, what a pair of smiles! Say, folks, we shot the whole +scene--_some_ News Weekly Feature. Oh say, can you see me, Rosco, _the_ +publicity man!" + +Honest to Gawd you would of thought he had gone crazy! And that +bone-headed crowd couldn't make out was the whole thing staged or real. +Believe you me, I had to pinch myself to know was it real or not, but +thank Gawd it was, it was! And after nearly two years! Do you know how +that feels? Give a guess! And then, just as I thought now this cruel war +and everything is over, why that roughneck of a officer give the order +to fall in and of course Jim had to and left me there with that kid in +my arms for Ted to make a couple of stills for the papers. + +Believe you me, I couldn't tell how many he took, or when, because +seeing Jim so sudden and unexpected had pretty near killed me, and I +couldn't say anything much about the parade either, because something +kept me from seeing it and I guess it was my own glad tears. Anyways, I +had three wet handkerchiefs in my bag when I got home and one of them a +perfect stranger's. + +Well, of course, I expected the parade would break up when it struck +Harlem and the boys would hurry right home. And did they? They _did_ +not! I hurried right home, all right, all right, but not so Jim. And for +a long while I was sitting there in one of my trousseau dresses and a +fearful state of mind over what had he done to get killed since I last +seen him. But hours went by and still he didn't come. And I didn't know +his 'phone or where he was or anything. The only clue I had that the +whole business was a fact and no dream was the cable, which had come +after he did, saying he would be home as arranged after all. + +Believe you me, I hope never to live through another twenty-four hours +like them that followed, because I couldn't eat or sleep, not knowing +where he was. + + + +Next morning I wouldn't even look at the papers which was Sunday and +full of our and the division's pictures. And Monday was worse, because +even although Jim might be alive none of the hospitals nor yet the +morgue had him, and so I commenced to think he had gone back on me. A +telegram come from the coast saying "Great Sunday story bring Rosco +contract follows," but what did I care for that stuff without Jim? Ma +was very silent all this time, and kept in her room a lot, with the door +shut. And then late Monday afternoon the door-bell rung, and my heart +leaped to my feet like it had done at every tinkle for 48 hours, and I +went myself, but it was only Ruby Roselle and Mr. Mulvaney of the +Welcome Home Committee with her! The men that girl knows! Well, she +sees them in another light than I and it's a good thing all tastes don't +run the same. But this was such a surprise I asked them in before I +thought and pretty near forgot my own troubles for a minute. + +Ruby cuddled down into her kolinsky wrap and give me the fish-eye, as +she addressed me in her own sweet way as a woman to her best enemy. + +"Dearie," she says, tucking in a imaginary curl. "Dear, Johnnie here was +over to my flat and we got speaking of you by accident, and he's anxious +to know where's the money he gave you, and why no decorations as was +intended?" + +"Yes, Miss La Tour," says the old bird, which it was plain she had made +a even more perfect fool of him than he had been before. "Yes, Miss La +Tour, it's a serious thing," he says. "I understand you didn't really +call even one meeting and as for decorations--!! Well, what can you tell +us?" + +Well, I told him how I come to think of what I thought of, and the jobs +which I had 319 of and the notes and all, and while I talked I could +see plain enough that I was getting in worse every minute, because they +had come determined to find me guilty, and no matter what I said, it +would of listened queer with them two pairs of glassy eyes on me. + +"I had a hunch," I wound up, "that maybe something a little substantial +would be welcome," I says, "because after all a person can't live on +plaster arches and paper flowers, and three hundred and nineteen jobs +ought to take care of a considerable percent of the ones that need it," +I says. "And so while your arches are all right," I says, "you must +admit they are principally for show." + +When I got through Mr. Mulvaney cleared his throat and didn't seem to +know just how to go on; but Ruby give him an eye, and so he cleared his +throat again and changed back to her side. + +"This is all _most_ irregular," he says very dignified. "Most irregular. +You will certainly have to appear before the general committee and give +them an accounting. What you have done amounts to a misuse of +public-funds!" + +My Gawd, I nearly fainted at that! But before I could say a word a +voice spoke up from the doorway. + +"Like hell it does!" says Jim, which that dear kid had left himself in +with his key and listened to the whole business. "Like hell it's a +misuse!" he says, coming into the room and putting his arm around me. +"You just let the public and the soldiers take their choice! Give all +the facts to all the newspapers and we will furnish the photographs +free! Go to it! Get busy! And--get out!" + +Well, they got, and what happened then I will not go into because there +are things even a self-centered woman won't put on paper! Poor Jim, and +him back in camp to get deloused and demobilized and his tooth-brush, +and a few parting words of appreciation and etc, these past 48 hours +which it seems is the rule for all soldiers, and I suppose they did need +the rest after that parade before taking up domestic life once more. + +Well, anyways, that afternoon late, while him and me was thoroughly +enjoying our joint contract and the Sunday spreads with our pictures and +all, in walks Ma with her hat and dolman on and a suit-case in one hand, +and 'Frisco, the he-snake in his box, in the other hand. + +"For the love of Mike, Ma Gilligan, where are you going to?" I says, +looking at her idly. + +"I'm leaving you forever!" says Ma, in a deep voice. + +"Leaving us? Whatter you mean, leaving us?" I says, taking notice and my +head off Jim's shoulder. + +"I'm going back to work," says Ma. "I'm not going to be dependent on you +no longer," she says, "nor a burden in my old age," she says. "And now +that you got Jim back I shall only be in the way, so good-by, Gawd bless +you!" + +"Why, Ma Gilligan!" I yells, jumping to my feet. "How you talk! Besides +what on earth do you think you could do?" + +"Oh, I got a job," she flashes, proudly. "I'm going back to the circus!" + +Believe you me, that pretty near had me floored. + +"The circus!" I says. "What nonsense! Why a trapezer has to be half your +age to say nothing of weight!" + +"I'm not going on no trapeze at my years!" says Ma. "I'm going back as +Fat Lady. One hundred a week and expenses!" + +All of a sudden I realized the full meaning of them doughnuts and cocoa +and etc she had eat these past months. She had been deliberately +training and as usual was successful. I sprung to my feet and hung +around Ma's neck like a ten-year-old. + +"Oh Ma!" I says. "Don't! Please don't go back! Whatever would we do +without you?" I says. And Jim added his entreaties. + +"Why, Ma Gilligan, what bally rot!" he says, which it's quite noticeable +the amount of English he's picked up over there. "What a silly ass you +are, old dear!" he says. "Here we are going to California and who would +cook for us if not you?" he says, "with the cook-question like it is out +there?" + +Well, that weakened Ma considerable, for cooking is her middle name. So +she set down the suit-case. + +"Ma!" I begged her. "We _couldn't_ have too much of you, and you would +never be in the way or a burden no matter what the scales say. For +heaven's sake take off that hat, it's too young for you, and burden us +with the first home cooking Jim has had in two years!" + +Well, she give in at that, and sat down the snake and her dolman and +pocket-book. + +"Well, all right then!" she says. "I'll stay!" Which is about all the +emotion Ma ever shows. "Whew, but it's hot in here!" she says and turns +to open the window and we left her do it, because we seen she didn't +want us to notice her tears. And as she opened it she gives a shriek and +leans way over, grabbing at something. And hardly had she yelled than +from below come a holler and a flow of language the like of which I had +never heard, no, not even at the studio when something went wrong! Then +Ma commenced to laugh something hysterical and pulled herself back in +through the window and leaned against the side of it, hollering her head +off. + +"What is it?" I says. + +"It's Maude!" gasps Ma. "She was shut under the winder and when I opened +it she fell out and lit on Rudie's head which was sitting right +underneath." + +Well, we could hardly hear her for the noise in the kitchen. The +dumb-waiter was buzzing like all possessed. I and Jim rushed out and +there, lickety-split, come the dumb-waiter only it was more inarticulate +than dumb by then, and on it the case of Old Home lacking only three +quarts. + +"I find your whiskey, Miss La Tour!" says Rudie's voice, very weak and +shagy from below. "I chust find him and send him right away, quick!" + +"Thanks old dear!" chortled Jim. "Come up and have a drink on me!" + +"No tanks!" yelled Rudie. "I'm leaving this blace right now foreffer!" + +Well, we should worry! I turned to Jim, a big load off my mind. + +"Jim," I says solemnly. "There is the three hundred and twentieth job!" + +THE END + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's note: + +Varied spelling, hyphenation and dialect is as in the original. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Believe You Me!, by Nina Wilcox Putnam + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BELIEVE YOU ME! *** + +***** This file should be named 33728-8.txt or 33728-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/7/2/33728/ + +Produced by the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.fadedpage.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Believe You Me! + +Author: Nina Wilcox Putnam + +Release Date: September 14, 2010 [EBook #33728] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BELIEVE YOU ME! *** + + + + +Produced by the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.fadedpage.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + <h1>BELIEVE<br /> + YOU ME!</h1> + + <h2>NINA WILCOX PUTNAM</h2> + + <p class="center">AUTHOR OF "ADAM'S GARDEN," "THE IMPOSSIBLE + BOY," ETC., ETC.<br /><br /> + + NEW YORK<br /> + + GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY<br /><br /> + + COPYRIGHT, 1919,<br /> + + BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY<br /> + + COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY<br /> + + PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA</p> + +<p> <br /></p> + +<div class="centerbox bbox"> +TO<br /> +R. J. S.</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<h3>CONTENTS</h3> + + + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" width="50%" cellspacing="0" summary="CONTENTS"> +<tr><td align="left"> </td><td align="left">CHAPTER</td><td align="right">PAGE</td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">I</td><td align="left">Ladies Enlist</td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_11'>11</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">II</td><td align="left">Pro Bonehead Publico</td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_66'>66</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">III</td><td align="left">Holy Smokes!</td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_125'>125</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">IV</td><td align="left">Anything Once</td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_156'>156</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">V</td><td align="left">Now is the Time</td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_202'>202</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">VI</td><td align="left">The Glad Hand</td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_244'>244</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> +<h2><br /><br /><a name="BELIEVE_YOU_ME" id="BELIEVE_YOU_ME"></a>BELIEVE YOU ME!<br /><br /></h2> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + + + <h2>I</h2> + + <h2>LADIES ENLIST</h2> + + <h3>I</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">I wasn't</span> going to make no statement about +this here affair; and I wouldn't even yet, only +for our publicity man. The day the story +leaked he called me up in the A. M., which is +the B. C. of the daytime, and woke me out of +the first perfectly good sleep I'd had since Jim +pulled that stunt and floored me so.</p> + +<p>First off, I wouldn't answer the phone; but +Musette stood by me with it in her hand and +just made me.</p> + +<p>"For my sake, mademoiselle!" says she, just +like she used to in our act on the big time, which +we played before I got into the dancing game. +"For my sake, mademoiselle," she says, "do +not refuse to talk with the publicity man!"</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p><p>Well, when I heard who it was I seen some +sense in what she says; so I set up amid my +black-and-white-check bed, which—believe you +me—is as up to date as my latest drawing-room +dance. And I grabbed off the phone.</p> + +<p>"Yes," says I in a fainting voice; "this is +Miss La Tour. What is it, please? I'm far +from well."</p> + +<p>"Cut out that stuff, Mary!" says a male +voice. "This is Roscoe. I want you to give +out a statement about you and Jim splitting +up."</p> + +<p>"I <i>won't!"</i> says I, very sharp. "Whatter +yer think I am?" I says. "That's nobody's +business but our own!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, ain't it, though?" says Roscoe, very +sarcastic. "The biggest parlor-dancing outfit +in America busts up and you can't be seen, +even, for two whole days! The stage at the +Royal ain't notified that your piece is called +off; the De-Luxe Hotel don't get no notice +that you ain't going to appear; and all the info' +I could get when I called up your flat is that +you was gone out!"</p> + +<p>"And so I was!" says I, indignant.</p> + +<p>"Then I call up Jim's hotel and they say +he's gone!" shouted Roscoe. "Hell!" says he, +forgetting that me and the telephone operator<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> +both was ladies. "Hell! What kind of way +is that to treat a guy you're paying three thou. +a year to for getting your picture in the paper +every time you sneeze?"</p> + +<p>I didn't have any comeback about that, for +there was certainly some truth in what he says. +But I wasn't to be put down so easy.</p> + +<p>"I guess I know my business, Ros," I says, +sharp, "or I wouldn't be living in a swell flat +on the Drive, all fixed up like a furniture shop, +with a limousine and two fool dogs, and earned +every cent of it myself, and no one can say a +word against me, if I didn't know my own +business. So there!"</p> + +<p>"Looka here, Mary," says Roscoe. "There's +going to be a lot of talk up and down the Rialto +if you don't come across with some explanation. +I'm comin' right up to get it."</p> + +<p>"No, you don't," I says, for I hadn't had my +facial massage in three days, and, after all, +Roscoe is a man, even if press agents ain't exactly +human. "No, you don't, Ros!" I says. +"If I gotter make some statement, I'll write +the dope myself and you can fix it up after—see? +It's a big story, but delicate, and I'm +going to have no misunderstanding over it."</p> + +<p>"All right, Mary," says Ros. "But you get<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> +the stuff ready for the morning papers. I'll +be up for it."</p> + +<p>Then he hung up and I knew I had to come +across. Besides, Ma come in just then; and +while I may boss my press agent, and even +sometimes my partner and Musette and the +two dogs, Ma sorter gets my goat. Ma had on +a elegant rose-silk negligee I give her; and as +usual, she had it ruined by tying a big gingham +apron over it, which made her look the size of +a house, but sort of comforting. She stopped +by the bed and set both her hands on her lips—the +way she does when she don't mean to +be answered back.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mary Gilligan, you get right up and +wash your teeth!" says Ma, "and do your three +handsprings and other exercises, decent and +proper; and then eat the breakfast I got +cooked for you."</p> + +<p>Funny thing, but Ma ain't got a mite of +dramatic sense. I just can't understand it, +after her having been with the circus so long +on the trapeze, until she got too heavy after +I come; and since then in the wardrobe-end of +the theater, and all. I ain't never been able +to break her in to none of the refinements of +life, either, and she will go into the kitchen for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> +all I say; and some day I just know she'll call +me Gilligan in public. And a nice laugh +that'll get!</p> + +<p>But, anyhow, I usually do what she says, +because Ma is a fine trainer; and—believe you +me—I wouldn't be able to hold on to Jim's +neck and swing out straight twenty times +round, like I do—or did—only for her and her +keeping me on the job like she's done. The +only other trouble with Ma is, she can't seem +to properly understand that it's my artistic +temperament which has brought in the cash—that +and some good looks, and me realizing +that this refined parlor-dancing stuff would go +over big. Of course Jim's being able to wear +a dress suit like he'd been born in it has helped +some, even aside from being such a fine partner; +which brings me back, as they say, to the +tale.</p> + +<p>Well, I done my exercise, and so forth, and +then I had Musette bring up the sofa, a elegant +gilt one—for we got what Ma calls Looie-the-Head-Waiter +stuff in our parlor—to the +window, so's I could lay and look dreamily +out over the autos on the Drive to the ships +in the river; you know—the German ships +which have been taking out their naturalization<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> +papers, or something. And, as I lay there +thinking, I come to the conclusion that if I told +about the split I better tell all, including my +own enlistment.</p> + +<p>Oh, how well I can now understand why +many men enlist, having been through it all +myself! And how then they long to get out, +and can't, and realize that they was boobs! +And how they learn that they weren't boobs +after all, once they got used to it! Do you +get me?</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, I decided to tell the whole +story, which, of course, begun at Ruby Roselle's +party.</p> + +<p>I think I don't hardly need to state that I +don't generally go with that Roselle crowd. +No acrobatic dancer could and keep her health. +And—believe you me—every drawing-room +dance act that is worth a thousand dollars a +week has acrobatics, and good sound acrobatics, +as its base. Well! As far as Ruby Roselle +and her crowd is concerned, far be it from +me to pass any remarks. But any one in the +theatrical line will tell you that a girl which +has made a reputation only on the color of her +hair and is not averse to tights don't have to +lead the rigid life of a first-class A-1 dancer,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> +leaving out all judgments as to character, +which are usually wrong anyways.</p> + +<p>But, having said that much, I will only add +that I have never gone out a lot, and seldom +without Ma. And while champagne is not exactly +a stranger to me, owing to Jim and me +always having to have it served with our dinner +at the Ritz each night—which any one with +sense knows is all publicity stuff and we never +drink it—still, I'm not in favor of champagne +parties, which they generally end in trouble; +and this one of Ruby's was no exception.</p> + +<p>Indeed, I wouldn't of gone in the first place +only for us unfortunately being on the same +bill at the opening of the Superba Roof, which, +of course, being the big midnight show of the +year, and the rest of the leads all having accepted, +and Ruby being in so strong with the +management, it would of been bad business +policy to refuse.</p> + +<p>When I pointed this out to Jim he couldn't +see it at first, owing to me never having gone +on such parties; and nobody can say any different, +with truth. But the Superba contract +was the biggest thing we had got yet. And, +coming on top of the twenty minutes in Give +Us a Kiss, the twenty minutes at the De-Luxe<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> +Hotel, the net profs. was pretty fair. So, for +once, we accepted an invite to one of Ruby's +famous blow-outs.</p> + +<p>Ruby Roselle's house was something wonderful, +but not to my taste, there being too +much in it, besides smelling of cologne and incense, +which, from her singing Overseas in +red-white-and-blue tights, was more or less to +be expected. Also, the clothes on her and the +other girls was too elaborate. My simple little +real lace, and my hair, which Musette always +does so it looks like I done it myself, +made them seem like a Hippodrome production +alongside of a play by this foreigner, Ib-sen—do +you get me? I was proud of this; +for—believe you me—getting refinement +means work, just like any other achievement, +and I had modeled myself on Mrs. Pieter van +Norden for years, than whom there is surely +no one more refined by reputation, though I +had never seen her. I could see Jim felt the +same about all this, and we exchanged a look +on it; for, besides being engaged to be married +we was the best of friends when we come +in—when we come in! Remember that!</p> + +<p>After we said "How do ye do?" to Ruby, I +whispered to Jim not to celebrate too much.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> +He ain't a drinking man if for no other reasons +but those of my own; but just oncet in a +while he'd get a little more than he should, and +this opening night the show had gone awful +big. Had he but heeded me better! Alas! +Nothing doing; it was all in vain!</p> + +<p>For description of party see any motion-picture +film on Vice. Why waste words on +what is so well known? And—believe you me—this +was just like a fillum; and, as I have +said, nothing like that for mine, usually. But, +even so, we might of got off safe and home +without no trouble—only for Von Hoffman +and the baby alligator.</p> + +<p>It seems like this here Von Hoffman was +stuck on Ruby; in fact, it was him that suggested +her singing Overseas in that fierce costume. +Also, he gave her the alligator, she having +tried to pick on a present he couldn't possibly +get when he wanted to buy her something. +But, being German by descent, he had +the efficiency to get it, anyways; and there was +the alligator at the party, about fifteen inches +long, with a gold collar and diamonds in the +collar—and we at war!</p> + +<p>Well, it seems this alligator hadn't eat since +it come; and after Ruby had a double Bronx<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> +and two glasses of champagne the memory +of his hunger began to worry her—do you get +me? So she had him brought in and set in +the middle of the supper table on the orchids +at two dollars per each, which he sat on without +moving while the crowd tried everything +on him, from olives to wine, with no success. +The alligator seemed a awful boob, for he just +lay there like a stuffed one, which we knew he +wasn't on account of his not having eaten.</p> + +<p>Well, Jim hadn't heeded me. I guess the +truth must be told, though, honest, he had took +but very little; still, being unused to it, the effect +was greater—do you get me? And pretty +soon he and this Von Hoffman was kidding +each other and that alligator something fierce.</p> + +<p>Now Jim took a hate on this Von Hoffman +bird the minute he laid eyes on him, partly on +account of the costume of Ruby, and also on +general principles, because of the bird's accent. +But, the alligator not moving or nothing, Jim +asks if the alligator understands only German.</p> + +<p>"In all probability," says Von Hoffman; +"he is a high-class alligator."</p> + +<p>"Then he ought to understand American,"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> +says Jim. "He'll have to eventually; why not +now?</p> + +<p>"There's nothing to prove that," says the +German bird with a sneer. "He will probably +get along very well as he is, with German +only."</p> + +<p>Jim looked mad as a hatter; but instead of +taking it out on this Von Hoffman, as he had +ought to have, he turned on that poor dumb +beast.</p> + +<p>"Well," says Jim to the alligator, "here's +where you learn some patriotism."</p> + +<p>And he leaned 'way across the table until +his face was only an inch or two away from +the alligator's. Jim looked that animal +straight in the eye and spoke very severe.</p> + +<p>"To hell with Germany!" says Jim.</p> + +<p>And with that the alligator snapped—snapped +right onto the end of Jim's nose! Oh, +my Gawd, but I yelled! So did Jim—believe +you me! And then we all tried to get that +fiend of a pro-German alligator off Jim's face. +When they succeeded in making him let go +you had ought to of seen Jim's nose! It had +four holes in it and was bleeding something +fierce.</p> + +<p>Oh, may I never live to see such a sight<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> +again, let alone having to go through what followed! +For once I forgot my refinement +completely, and I remember yelling at Jim +to kill that German. For if he didn't sick his +alligator onto Jim, who did? And there he +stood laughing at Jim for all he was worth; +and Jim never offered to fight him!</p> + +<p>Believe you me, all my sympathy for Jim +melted right away when I seen he wasn't doing +nothing but stand there holding on to his nose +and moaning.</p> + +<p>"I know alligator bites is deadly poison!" +He kept saying it over and over again, while +Von Hoffman was laughing himself sick.</p> + +<p>"I hope it is poison!" he says. "I hope it is, +you jackanapes of an American dancer!"</p> + +<p>At this I walked right up to that Von Hoffman +bird.</p> + +<p>"I'll get you for this!" I says. "Somehow +I know you're a wrong one, and <i>I'll</i> get you, +even if Jim don't want to! I'd enlist to-morrow +if I was a man and get your old Kaiser +as well!"</p> + +<p>Then, the next thing I knew, me and Jim +was in the limousine, on the way to the hospital; +and Jim was still moaning over being +poisoned by the alligator and getting blood all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> +over the place, and the car just relined and +everything! I didn't say a word just then, +because, of course, you must stick to a pal in +time of immediate trouble—do you get me? +But I was boiling mad inside, though worried +a little about the poison. Still, Jim's not hitting +that bird, Von Hoffman, was worse to +me than death itself.</p> + +<p>At the hospital the chauffeur and me got +Jim inside somehow and to a desk in the hall. +There was a snappy-looking nurse sitting +there with a book, and our coming in at that +hour no more worried her than a fly in cold +weather. She just looked up quiet and spoke—sort +of unhospitable.</p> + +<p>"Name of ailment?" she inquired.</p> + +<p>"Alligator bite!" I told her, brief; and I +will say this got her goat a little, because she +made me say it twice more before she would +believe me.</p> + +<p>Then she directed us down a long hall, and +a young guy in a summer suit of white duck +stopped reading the newspaper long enough +to give Jim's nose the once over.</p> + +<p>"No cause for alarm," says this bird. "The +nose will be about twice its normal size for a +day, that's all!" All! And, as if that wasn't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> +enough, he painted the nose and all round it +with some brown stuff, which stopped the +bleeding but made Jim look like he was made +up for some sort of comedy act. Jim was perfectly +sober by then and quit talking about +poison, and etc., and when he was back in the +limousine I just let myself go and bawled him +out good and plenty.</p> + +<p>"Now see here, Jim," I says, "I've stuck +by you to-night long enough to make sure you +ain't goin' to die or nothin'; and now I'm +through!"</p> + +<p>"You been just fine, Mary," says Jim, trying +to take my hand. I took it away quick.</p> + +<p>"You don't get me!" I says. "I mean I'm +through for keeps. The engagement is +broken, and everything!"</p> + +<p>"Whatter yer mean—broken?" says Jim, +sort of dazed.</p> + +<p>"Just that!" I snapped. "Here you get +tight and take a insult from a German; and, +as if that wasn't enough, you go farther and +get bit by a pro-German alligator! And you +don't even offer to fight the German who owns +the alligator, either! And, what's furthermore, +you've got your face swoll up so's you +won't be able to dance to-morrow night; and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> +that iodine won't wash off; and the act is +crabbed in the bud—do you get me? Crabbed! +And I'm through—that's all! So don't never +come near me again!"</p> + +<p>Believe you me, Jim tried to make me listen +to reason; but I couldn't hear no reason to listen +to, and so wouldn't let him say much. Then +Jim got mad and bawled me out for breaking +my rule and going on the party, and by the +time we got to my place we wasn't speaking at +all—not even good night or good-by forever!</p> + + + <h3>II</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">For</span> hours and hours after Ma got me to bed +I just lay there thinking and aching and feeling +all hot and ashamed and terribly lonesome, +and with my career all ruined because of the +Germans—to say nothing of having been +obliged to become disengaged to Jim.</p> + +<p>And then, just as I was nearly crazy wondering +how I was to get my self-respect back, +I got a swell idea. I would enlist! Ladies +could. I remembered reading a piece in a +newspaper some place about yeowomen or +something. And as soon as I realized that I +could serve Uncle Sam and help get even with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> +that bird, Von Hoffman, and the Kaiser and +the alligator, and lose my personal feelings in +public service, I got the most wonderfully easy +feeling round my heart and dropped right off +to sleep. But when I woke up in the morning +it was something fierce, the way I felt. Believe +you me, it was just like I had ate Welsh +rabbit the night before, or something—the +weight that was on my chest. At first I +couldn't make out just what it was. Then I +remembered. I had lost Jim! Of course I +hadn't lost him so much as shook him; but it +was all the same, or looked that way in the +cold gray dawn of ten A. M.</p> + +<p>Honest to Gawd, I never knew how fond I +was of Jim until I woke up that day and realized +he was gone forever! But I wouldn't of +phoned him and say I'd changed my mind—not +on a bet I wouldn't. And, anyways, I +hadn't changed my mind. The evidences begun +to pile up against him. I commenced to +remember how he had been away on some mysterious +trips so many afternoons for the last +four or five months; and maybe with some +blonde, for all I knew. And then his going +to pieces like that over a mere alligator bite, +the way he done; and, worst of all, not hitting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> +that German, even though in pain, and crabbing +our act by getting bit on the nose.</p> + +<p>The more I thought about it, the worser +I felt, laying there in retrospect and negligee. +And I couldn't see no way of us ever getting +together again—even when he called up and +apologized; which, of course, I expected he +would do any minute. But he didn't; and by +the time Ma came in and routed me out of bed +I had myself worked up so's I was crying +something terrible, and hating Jim as hard as +I could, which would of been enough to kill +him—only for the pain in my heart for loving +him.</p> + +<p>While I ate only a light repast of ham and +eggs, and a little marmalade, and etc., Ma +made me tell her all; which I done the best +way I could with crying in between. And then +I told her about me having made up my mind +to enlist. She was some surprised at that, +though not much. Ma, having lived through +two circuses and a trapeze act, it is sort of hard +to surprise her very much—do you get me? +So all Ma says was:</p> + +<p>"Well, Mary Gilligan!" says she. "Can ladies +enlist? I had a idea," she says, "only gentlemen +was permitted."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> + +<p>"No," says I. "I see a piece in the paper +where ladies can go in the navy—yeowomen +they call them; a fancy name for a stenographer!"</p> + +<p>"A whole lot too fancy!" says Ma, very +prompt. "And no daughter of mine, a decent, +respectable girl, is going sailing off on no battleship +with a lot of sailors—not to mention +submarines; not if I know it!" says Ma. "So, +Mary Gilligan, you may as well put that idea +out of your head, let alone you ain't a stenographer +and couldn't learn it in a month."</p> + +<p>"Well, Ma," I says, "maybe you're right; +and I do get seasick awful quick. But—oh, +Ma! I got to enlist some place. Can't you +see the way I feel?"</p> + +<p>Ma could.</p> + +<p>"I know!" she says, very sympathetic. "I +was the same when your pa missed both the +third trapeze and the life net. I would of enlisted +when he died if there had been a war. +And, of course, you feel like Jim was dead. +How about the Red Cross?"</p> + +<p>"Won't do for me," I says, prompt. "I +don't see myself sitting around in no shop, with +a dust cloth tied over my head, selling tickets. +I got to do something active or I'll go bugs!"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> + +<p>Then Ma had a real idea.</p> + +<p>"How about this here Woman's Automobile +Service?" says she. "The one I read you +the piece about? You're a woman and you got +a auto."</p> + +<p>"Ma, you're a wonder!" I says. "Look up +the address while I get my hat on! Tell Musette +to call for the limousine; and watch me +make a trial for my new job!"</p> + +<p>So they done like I asked, and I kissed Ma +and Musette good-by; also the two fool dogs, +for I had a sort of feeling like I was going into +battle already.</p> + +<p>"When Jim calls up tell him it's no good—he +can't see me," says I, the last thing. And +then I set off in the limousine.</p> + +<p>Well, I'd put on a very simple imported +model and a small hat, and only my diamond +earrings, and a brooch Jim had give me, when +we was first engaged, over my aching heart. I +wanted, above all things, to look refined; for, +even if the U. S. Army isn't always quite that, +still, this was a ladies' branch of it. And you +know what women can be—especially in organizations; +though I admit I hadn't had much +previous experience with them, except the +White Kittens, which Ma insisted on me keeping<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> +up with and contributing to their annual +ball, because of she having always belonged. +And—believe you me—the scraps I seen at +some of their Execution Committee meetings +would make the Battle of the Marne look like +a pinochle post-mortem!</p> + +<p>Well, as I was saying, I took no chances on +appearances of refinement in this case, not +knowing exactly what class of ladies would +be running the Woman's Automobile Service. +And, even when I got to their office, it took +me several minutes before I got the right dope +on them and their line—do you get me?</p> + +<p>In the first place, it wasn't at all like the +White Kittens' Headquarters, in the Palatial +Hotel ball-room. Instead, it was a shop on a +swell side street, with two very plain capable-looking +dark-green ambulances standing outside. +My limousine had to stop next door on +account of them.</p> + +<p>Well, I got out and walked across and into +that shop. And—believe you me—it was the +plainest place you ever saw; not even so much +as a flower or a rug to give it a womanly touch. +But neat! My Gawd! And there was three +young ladies there, all in the snappiest-looking +uniforms you ever want to see—dark green,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> +like the ambulances, with gold on the collar, +and caps like the Oversea's Army, and the +cutest leggings! My!</p> + +<p>Maybe you think they looked like a chorus? +They did not! They was as business-like as +English officers. Over in one corner a frowzy-looking +little dame was sitting, reading a book. +There wasn't no unnecessary furniture in the +place, and 'way at the back was a door marked +Captain Worth—Private, which seemed funny.</p> + +<p>The minute I come in one of the girls +jumped up and says what could she do for me?</p> + +<p>I seen at once she was a perfect lady.</p> + +<p>"I am Marie La Tour," I says in a very +quiet, low-pitched voice, like a drawing-room +act.</p> + +<p>"Yes?" says she. "And what can I do for +you, Miss—er——"</p> + +<p>"La Tour!" I says again, as patient as possible.</p> + +<p>But it was plain she didn't get me, even the +second time, though it's a cinch she heard me +all right, all right. But the name simply +didn't mean nothing in her young life. Was +I surprised? I was! Of course if I had said +"I am Mrs. Vernon Castle," and she didn't +know who it was, I wouldn't of got such a jolt.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> +But Marie La Tour! Well, there's ignorance +even among the educated, and I realized +this and didn't try to wise her up any. +After all, I was not out for publicity, but for +serving my country. Besides, I had heard +right along that the army was full of democracy; +and, of course, this was some of it.</p> + +<p>"Well," I says, "I would like to enlist. My +heart is broken, but full of patriotism, and this +seemed a good place to come."</p> + +<p>"Good!" says this young lady, which I had +noticed by this time she had a lieutenant's uniform +on her, but not by any means intending +she was glad my heart was broken. "Good!" +she says. "Sit down and let me tell you about +our organization."</p> + +<p>"Is it the regular army?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Not yet," says she; "but we hope we will +eventually get official recognition. We are already +used by the Government for dispatch +and ambulance service and as escorts and drivers +for officers and members of the various departments; +also, as government inspectors. So +you see it is a very live work."</p> + +<p>"And it's a awfully pretty costume," I says; +"so snappy."</p> + +<p>"The uniform is only the outward sign of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> +what we are doing," says Miss Lieutenant. +"You have a car?"</p> + +<p>"Outside," I says; "eight-thousand dollars, +and all paid for. You can have it if it's any +good to you. Ma always prefers the street +car anyways."</p> + +<p>"Thank you; that is splendid!" says the lady +officer, very pleasant, but not exactly excited +over my offer—which was some offer at that.</p> + +<p>She took out a slip of paper and begun filling +in some blanks on it.</p> + +<p>First, the make of the car, and then the answers +to the questions she shot at me.</p> + +<p>"Can we have it at a moment's notice?" she +said. "Yes? Good! Is it new? In good +condition? Do you loan or give it?"</p> + +<p>"Give!" I says, brief. "I am not going to +be a piker to Uncle Sam."</p> + +<p>At this the lady lieutenant actually came out +of her shell enough to give me a smile.</p> + +<p>"That's the spirit!" she says. "We sometimes +have as many as twenty offers of cars +a day. But, as a rule, they are half-time loans. +Can you drive?"</p> + +<p>"Drive a horse?" says I.</p> + +<p>"No, no," says the kid, serious again, "a car, +of course!"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Why, no," says I, feeling sort of cheap. +"Isn't there anything else I can do?"</p> + +<p>"Plenty," she says, cheerfully; "but you will +have to learn to drive, first of all. You must +have a chauffeur's license, a doctor's certificate +of health, two letters of recommendation from +prominent citizens as to your loyalty and general +character, and a graduate's certificate from +a technical automobile school."</p> + +<p>"Anything else?" I says, sort of faint.</p> + +<p>"Well, of course, you will have to take the +nursing and first-aid course at St. Timothy's +Hospital," she says, "and the regular U. S. +Infantry drill. But that's about all."</p> + +<p>"Do I have to learn all that stuff before I +can come in?" I asked, feeling about as small +as when I had my first try-out on the big time +circuit.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no," says Miss Lieutenant; "you can +sign your application right away if you like. +Then you can come in immediately and start +rookie drill and the first-aid work with the +service while you are getting your technical +training."</p> + +<p>Believe you me, my breath was about taken +away by all this stuff. I don't really know +now just what I did expect when I first come<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> +into that shop, but I guess I had a sort of idea +they'd give me a big welcome and I'd get a +costume of some sort; and, after that—well, I +don't really know. I certainly never expected +what they handed me. But I was game.</p> + +<p>"When can I commence all this?" I says.</p> + +<p>"When do you want to?" says Miss Lieutenant.</p> + +<p>"To-day," I says firmly. At this Miss +Lieutenant actually smiled again.</p> + +<p>"Good!" says she. "The minute you bring +me that health certificate and those letters of +recommendation I'll sign you up and you can +start in at the Automobile Training School. +To-morrow morning is the time at St. Timothy's +Hospital and to-morrow afternoon is +rookie drill."</p> + +<p>"And when is the auto school?" I says.</p> + +<p>"Every afternoon," she says.</p> + +<p>"Then," says I, "I'll get them letters and +the certificate here by noon. And if you O. K. +them I'll just start in this P. M.—if it's all the +same to you."</p> + +<p>"Good!" says Miss Lieutenant, evidently not +displeased, yet determined to show no emotion.</p> + +<p>Then she got up, indicating that our business<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> +was over, clicked her heels together like a +regular officer, and made a stiff little bow. +Oh, wasn't she professional, just!</p> + +<p>"Well, I'll be back," I says, and started to +go. "I'm sure I can get everything but the +technical stuff; and I'll get that if I die of it!"</p> + + +<h3>III</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">And</span>—believe you me—I had no idea how +near true them words was when I uttered them. +I was almost at the door when the frowzy little +dame in the corner, which I had forgotten +she was there, come over and touched me on +the arm.</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon, my dear," she says; +"but I want to tell you I think your spirit is +fine. And don't let any fear of the technical +course deter you. Even I was able to do it."</p> + +<p>Was I surprised? I was! But she seemed +very sweet and kind, though so unnoticeable; +so I just says thanks, and then—believe you +me—started out on some rush!</p> + +<p>First of all, I hustled up to old Doc Al's +place, which Ma and me has him for a doctor; +though Gawd knows there ain't never a blessed +thing the matter with our healths. Still, since<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> +her trapeze days Ma has always felt that emergencies +do happen. Well, of course, he give +me a perfect certificate in less than ten minutes' +time, and I was off to see Goldringer, +head of the dancing trust; and him and his +partner, Kingston, each give me a elegant letter +of recommendation, than which I could +scarcely of got letters from any more prominent +citizens—unless, maybe, Pres. Wilson.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, I took all three recommends +down to the young lady lieutenant, and there +all was the same. Well, it was still lacking +five to twelve when I come in, and Miss Lieutenant +looked quite some surprised, though she +tried not to. The letters and the doc's certificate +was O. K.; and the first thing you know, +I was signed up and given three passes. One +for the auto school for two o'clock that same +P. M.; one for the hospital, calling for me to +be on hand for rehearsal of the nursing act at +nine o'clock next morning. The third was also +a call for rehearsal—a outdoor drill in the park +at three P. M. next day. It looked like I was +going to have a busy life.</p> + +<p>"Well," I says, "would you like the car +now?" I says. "I can walk home just as good +as not."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> + +<p>"No, thanks," says Miss Lieutenant. "We +will call upon you for it when it is needed."</p> + +<p>Believe you me, I was grateful for that, because +I ain't used to hustling round in the early +morning, and I had hustled some this time. So +I climbed in and says "Home, James!" and +dropped in on the seat and was carried uptown +for lunch.</p> + +<p>While on the way I got the first chance I'd +had all morning to think about Jim, and to +wonder what he had said when he phoned to +apologize. And did the ache come back in my +heart when I got thinking of him? It did! +I felt almost sick with lonesomeness by the time +I got to the flat. And whatter you think? +Jim hadn't phoned at all! Not a peep out of +him!</p> + +<p>At first I thought there must be some mistake; +but after I'd rowed with the operator in +the hall, and with Ma and Musette both, I come +to realize that the split between me and Jim +was real—that we was off each other sure +enough. And it was not so surprising that a +man which didn't hit a German whose alligator +had bit him wouldn't know how to treat a lady!</p> + +<p>But somehow Jim's being so mean about not +phoning perked me up a lot and give me courage<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> +to think of going into that auto school. I +had commenced to be awful doubtful about it; +but Jim's neglect, together with the lunch Ma +had fixed, set me up a lot. And by one-thirty +by my wrist watch, and a quarter to two by +the mantel-piece clock, I had the strength to +struggle into a <i>demitallieur,</i> which is French +for any lady's suit costing over sixty dollars, +and get to the auto school by the time the lady +lieutenant had told them to expect me.</p> + +<p>Oh, that auto school! The torture chambers +of this here Castle of Chillon has nothing +on it and—believe you me—the first set of +tools a person going into it needs is a manicure +set. The next thing they need is a good +memory, the kind which can get a twelve-hundred-line +part overnight; which no dancer can +nor is ever supposed to!</p> + +<p>One thing I will say for that school, though—they +was not such a ill-informed lot as the +Automobile Service. From the very minute +I set foot inside the place they knew who I +was, and the manager give me the pick of half +a dozen young fellows who was just filled with +patriotic longing to help me qualify for the +service.</p> + +<p>After giving them the once over I finally<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> +decided on one lean-looking bird, who seemed +married, and quiet, and likely to teach me +something about the insides of an auto, instead +of asking me questions about the steps of the +Teatime Tango Trot, and did I feel the same +in my make-up?</p> + +<p>Well, the first thing this bird asks me is do +I know anything about a car? And I says, +know what? And he says, well, can I name +the parts of a car? And I says, yes; and he +says for me to name them. So I says color, +lining, flower holder, clock, speaking tube and +chauffeur.</p> + +<p>Well, the bird says so far correct; but that +wasn't enough, and he guessed we better begin +at the more fundamental parts and would +I just step inside?</p> + +<p>Well, it seems this auto school undertakes +to teach you everything about a car from the +paint on the body to the appendix, or magneto, +as it is called, in twenty lessons; which is +like trying to teach the Teatime Tango Trot, +with three hand-springs and twenty whirls +round your partner's neck, by mail for five +dollars. Which is to say it can't be done.</p> + +<p>First off, the instructor hands you a bunch +of yellow papers with a lot of typewriting on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> +them—twenty sheets in all, or one per lesson, +and all you got to do is learn them good and +then put into practice what you learn; and +after that what you can't do to a car would fill +a book!</p> + +<p>Well, after you grab this sheaf of stage bank +notes you look at number one and follow the +bird that's teaching you round the room while +he reels it off. I guess the idea of you holding +the paper is to check him up if he makes +a mistake. Anyways, this bird let me in +among a flock of busted-looking pieces of machinery +and begun talking fast. At first, I +didn't get him at all; but when I got sort of +used to it I realized he was saying something +like this:</p> + +<p>"The crank shaft is a steel drop-forging having +arms extending from center of shaft according +to number of cylinders. It is used to +change the reciprocating movement of the piston +into a rotary motion of the flywheel; it has +a starting handle at one end and the flywheel +at the other, as you observe. We will now +pass on to the exhaust manifold, which is generally +constructed of cast iron; it conducts the +burned gases from the exhaust valve . . ."</p> + +<p>"Hold on!" I says. "Exhaust is right! I'm<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> +exhausted this minute. If you don't mind I'd +like to sit down and talk sense, instead of listening +to a phonograph monologue in a foreign +language."</p> + +<p>The instructor bird seemed sort of winded by +this; but he got a couple of chairs and pretty +soon we was sitting in a quiet corner talking +like we'd both been on the same circuit for five +years.</p> + +<p>"Now listen here, brother," I says real earnest; +"I want to learn this stuff, and learn it +right! And I want you to stick by me and see +me through, same as you would any male man +that come in here to learn to be a chauffeur. +Now take it easy and make me get it, and I'll +play square and do my best to understand, +without no nonsense."</p> + +<p>"Say, you bet I will, Miss La Tour!" says +this bird, who, married or not, had some spirit +in him yet. "You bet I will! You see, a lot +of dames come in here just because they ain't +got nothing else to do. And you yourself +must realize that a guy can only go through +the motions when that's all they want."</p> + +<p>Well, I could see that plain enough, and +from then on we got along like a new team of +partners with equal money in the act and going<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> +big on thirty straight weeks' booking. +And—believe you me—there is a awful lot of +interesting things about a auto; only you +would never suspect it until you start to look +at what is under the hood and body. As to +understanding them all, you couldn't get it +all off of no twenty sheets of yellow paper, nor +twenty hundred, either! It's a career, really +understanding a machine is; just the same as +being a expert dancer. The guy that invented +all them parts and got them working together +certainly must of set up nights doing it.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, after two hours of lapping +up this dope I got so's I could actually tell the +cam shaft from the crank shaft and the difference +between a cycle and a cylinder, which +was enough for one day. And then I rode +home to Ma.</p> + +<p>Actually I had almost forgot to be miserable +about Jim for two whole hours! But when +I got home, and he hadn't phoned to apologize +yet, it all came back over me, and I simply felt +that, automobiles and enlistments or no, I +wanted to die—just die! I cried so bad that +even Ma couldn't make me mind, and I was so +tired I couldn't even taste the hot cakes she +had fixed. I do believe Ma would think of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> +cooking something tasty if the world was coming +to a end the next minute. She'd be afraid +the recording angel would need a sandwich and +a cup of hot coffee to keep him going while he +was on the job.</p> + +<p>But, anyways, they couldn't do nothing to +me, or get me to go to the Ritz or the theater +much less the midnight show; but the last did +not matter, because I was wore out and asleep +long before. And so Ma had to telephone +that Miss La Tour was suddenly ill and unable +to appear. I made her swear not to phone +Jim nor let him in nor Roscoe, the publicity +man, if they was to come—not on no account. +And so I slept—poor child!—worn by the tossing +of the cruel ocean of life—do you get me?</p> + +<p>Well, next morning I was up long before +Musette, and would of been obliged to dress +unaided, only for Ma never having got used +to sleeping late, partly on account of her always +taking a nap just after the matinée performance +when with the circus, and still continuing +the habit. So Ma give me my coffee +and a big kiss, and promised not to tell Jim +nothing if he telephoned and I set off to be +at the hospital at nine A. M., according to orders +from Miss Lieutenant.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> + +<p>Well, there has always been something about +a hospital I didn't care for much; not that I +have went to many—only the night Jim got +bit by the alligator; and once, when me and +Jim was first engaged, he had a dog which we +had to take to the dog hospital. But—believe +you me—this St. Timothy's Hospital, was +quite different from the dog hospital. It was a +whole lot more like a swell hotel, with porters +and bell boys and clerks and elevators, and +everything except a café, as far as I could +make out; and I'm not sure about that, but I +don't suppose they had it.</p> + +<p>I was so scared of being late that I was a +little early and had to wait in a office. Pretty +soon two or three other rookies come in; and, +being ladies, of course we didn't dare to speak +to each other at first. And then the ladies of +the Automobile Service commenced coming in, +wearing their uniforms. And were they a +fine-looking lot? They were! I sure did wish +I had a right to that costume; and I had a feeling +that my heart wouldn't hurt near so bad, +even when thinking of Jim, once it was beating +under that snappy-looking uniform coat in +Uncle Sam's service—do you get me?</p> + +<p>Well, about this time we were let go upstairs<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> +in one of them regular hotel elevators, +the rookies still scared, the regular members +in good standing talking among theirselves, +though several spoke to me nice and friendly; +in particular, the little frowzy one which had +been reading the book the day before in the +office, but wasn't at all sloppy in her uniform.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, I had a awful funny feeling +in the middle of my stomach going up in that +elevator, and not for the same reason as the +Metropolitan Tower or any of them tall buildings, +either. It was because of not knowing +what was ahead of me and preparing for the +worst. After I'd seen the kind of stuff them +lady soldiers had to learn in the auto shop, it +seemed like about anything might be expected +of them in a mere hospital. So I got myself +all braced up so's if I had to cut off a leg, or +extract a tooth or anything, I'd be able to go +to it and not bat an eye-lash—not outwardly, +anyway.</p> + +<p>But things is seldom as bad as you figure in +advance—not even first-night performances. +And the stuff which was actually put up to us +was simple as a ordinary one-step. At least, +it looked so from a distance. By distance I +mean this: When the nursing instructor—a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> +lady in a white dress, with the darndest-looking +little soubrette cap stuck 'way on the back +of her head—when she stood up in front of the +lot of us and put a Velpeau bandage—which is +French for sling, I guess, and looks it—on one +of the lady soldiers who was acting as mannequin, +why, it looked easy.</p> + +<p>While she was putting it on she handed us +a line of talk something like that bird at the +auto school, only not so fluent. And when +she got through it was up to the rest of us to +put the Velpeau bandages on each other. +Gawd knows it was no cinch.</p> + +<p>First, I set down, and a girl in uniform +asked could she wrap me up. Well, it just +naturally rumpled my Georgette blouse; but +what's a blouse to a patriot? I let her go to +it, and she done it so good and so quick that it +was all over before I knew it, as the dentist +says; and then it was up to me. Somebody +give me a nice new roll of bandage and told me +to get a model.</p> + +<p>Well, I didn't have the nerve to ask any +one, me being so new and the name Marie La +Tour not meaning anything to nobody here. +And so here was me standing round like a fool, +not knowing how to commence, when up comes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> +that lady—her which had been so sloppy reading +a book in the office.</p> + +<p>"Can't I be your model?" she offered, and—believe +you me—I could of almost cried, I +was so glad to have somebody take notice of +me.</p> + +<p>I liked that dame more each time I seen her; +she sure was refined. Even her sloppiness was +refined—do you get me?</p> + +<p>Well, as to real work, that sheaf of yellow +papers up to the auto school had nothing on +the bandaging game when it come to understanding +it properly. Believe you me, that +bandage had a will of its own, and the only way +to make it mind would of been to step on it and +kill it. But after a little I managed to tie +up the lady pretty good, and before I was +done I had my mind made up that Musette had +lost her regular job and was going to be a bandage +mannequin from that P. M. on until I +got the hang of the thing.</p> + +<p>Well, when the scramble of putting on the +bandage was over and past, we was told that +after we got on to the theory we'd be sent down +to the Charity Ward for two solid weeks and +practice what we'd learned.</p> + +<p>Well, I thought, if I ever get there Gawd<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> +help the charity patients! I guess the two +weeks won't qualify me for the Auto Service. +More likely I'll be ready for the Battalion of +Death, or whatever they call them Russian +women!</p> + +<p>Well, when the bandages was all gathered +up we was dismissed, as they call it, and told to +report for drill in a certain place in the park, +it being a fine day.</p> + +<p>I must say I didn't think a whole lot of the +hospital end of the game, because it wasn't +pleasant. Of course I had no intention to quit +in any way, but it sort of depressed me, what +with all that sickness going on round me and +the talk about wounds and bandages. And so +my mind wasn't took off Jim, like it was by +the auto work, me having a heart which needed +a little bandaging—only that can't be done, +of course.</p> + + + <h3>IV</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Well</span>, on the way home I cried some more. +And well I might. For when I got there had +Jim phoned? He had not! Nobody but +Goldringer, the manager, and Roscoe, the +publicity man, and a few unimportant nuts like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> +that, and some of the newspapers. Ma had +stalled them off pretty good by saying it was +impossible to disturb me.</p> + +<p>And it seems these people hadn't been able +to locate Jim anywheres, either. At first that +sounded sort of funny to me; but when I come +to think it over I realized about his nose, where +the alligator had bit him and the doctor had put +on the brown stuff, from which he wouldn't +naturally care to be seen—only no one could +say that it would prevent him using the phone, +which I also realized.</p> + +<p>Well, after I eat a little liver and bacon, +and so on, which Ma had fixed for me, and cried +some, which made me feel better again, I +started out for drill; which means that now +comes the real important part of what happened +and the true measure of the tale, as the +poet says.</p> + +<p>Well, it seems we rookies—and I must pause +to mention that I don't like that word rookies; +it sounds like something that would get the +hook amateur nights. Well, as I was saying, +we rookies was told to report at three o'clock +for a private drill, all of our very own. But +I was on to the fact that the regular members +in good standing would be there ahead of us<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> +to do well what we was about to do badly. So +I thought I would go early and sit out in +front, or whatever was the same thing, and try +and get a line on how it was done.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, there ain't many steps I +can't get by seeing them done once; and if I +was to of gone up to the Palace and watch +Castle, or Rock and White, or any one of +them, when I come away I could do the steps +they pulled as good as if I had invented them!</p> + +<p>Well, this was my idea in going up and seeing +the ladies drill. So there I was at the park +bright and early on a fine sunny afternoon, +with the ladies all in uniform. But I wasn't +in any too much time, for I'd no sooner got +there than a big roughneck of a feller—a regular +U. S. drill sergeant, I found out after—come +up and yelled: "Fall in!" Just as rude +as any stage director I ever seen! But the +ladies didn't seem to mind a bit. They didn't +fall into nothing though; they just hustled into +line and stood there.</p> + +<p>"Ten-shun!" says the feller. And they all +stood like a chorus when the stage manager is +telling them he is going to quit the show if they +don't learn no better, and they're a bunch of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> +fatheads, and he's going to get them fired. In +other words, they stood perfectly still.</p> + +<p>Well, after that it was something grand, +what those ladies did. I will say that when I +come down to the park that afternoon I +thought maybe I'd see some pretty fair chorus +work; you know—formations, and etc. But +this was no chorus work, it was soldiering. I +never seen anything neater in my life. Was it +snappy? It was! And when I thought how +that bunch of ladies knew all about autos from +soup to nuts, and about bandages, and etc., +believe you me—that drill was the finishing +touch.</p> + +<p>For once in my life, I was anxious to be in +the chorus, even in the back line. But not forever—not +much! Believe you me, I made up +my mind that, once I was really in it, I was +going to work for a speaking part like I never +worked before. And meantime I started in +that direction by trying to figure out just what +the ladies did when the stage manager—I +mean, officer—hollered at them. And—believe +you me—I had the turn-on-the-heel and +push-off-with-the-toe idea on that right-and-left +face stuff long before the regular members<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> +in good standing was dismissed and we lady +rookies was called.</p> + +<p>Well, the same roughneck which had drilled +the others had us simps wished on to him; and +the first thing he done was to get us in a row +—you couldn't properly call it a line—and then +stand out in front and look at us sort of hopeless +and discouraged, like a good director which +has just finished with a bunch of old-timers +and is starting with green material for the back +row. Then he commenced talking.</p> + +<p>Well, while this bird was getting off a line +of talk about us now being soldiers of the +U. S. A. and that being no joke to him or us, +and etc., and etc., but no instructions in it, I +let my mind wander just a little, on account +of me having enlisted for deeper reasons than +any he mentioned and him quite incapable of +strengthening them.</p> + +<p>And while my mind wandered this little bit, +and I was thinking how funny it felt to be back +in the chorus—do you get me?—I happened to +take a look at the houses facing the park. And—believe +you me—I got a jolt, for there we +was standing right opposite Ruby Rosalie's +house!</p> + +<p>Well, I was that astonished to realize it you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> +could of knocked me over with a sudden noise! +Up to then I had been so interested in the other +ladies and what they was doing I hadn't even +noticed it.</p> + +<p>And then, before I could really commence +to think what a awful thing it would be if Ruby +was to look out of the window and see me +standing there, and think I was just in some +chorus, and maybe that nasty Von Hoffman +with her, and the both of them laughing their +fool heads off, the officer says "Ten-shun!" he +says. And, of course, I tenshuned, because +of me being anxious to get everything he said +when it come to instruction, and get it right.</p> + +<p>Well, he told us a lot of dope on one thing +at a time after he had got us in line, with the +tallest at the right hand, which was me. And +he told us very simple and then made us do it; +and no camouflage, because—believe you me—he +could spot any lady which done it wrong +quick as a flash.</p> + +<p>I will say he didn't have a whole lot of +trouble with me, partly on account of me having +had similar work before, and also my feet +taking to new things so easy. But it took me +about ten minutes to see that my patent Oxfords, +with the Looie heels, was never going<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> +to do for this work. Though I hate to say +it, the other ladies sure did bother him a lot. +They couldn't seem to mind quick enough. +And he had a lot of trouble making them keep +at attention.</p> + +<p>Every time we'd be that way, just to show +what I mean, the lady next to me would forget +and powder her nose. Oh, that wasn't no new +sight to me! I seen worse in my day until +they get used to it. But did that officer get +mad? He did!</p> + +<p>"Whatter ye think ye're at?" he yells. "A +pink tea? Cut that stuff now! Attention is +attention and youse is standing at it," he says. +"The worst crime youse can commit is move +without permission."</p> + +<p>And—believe you me—I sympathized with +him, I did, little knowing what I was about to +do next my ownself.</p> + +<p>Alas, that in ladies obedience comes so much +harder than following out a impulse! For the +officer had no sooner uttered them words, and +I agreed with him, than I went back on him +something terrible.</p> + +<p>It was this way: As I explained, we was +drilling in the park, and not alone in the park +but also opposite Ruby Roselle's house. Well,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> +of course, we was drilling on a open piece of +grass, but at one side of this here grass was +fancy bushes; you know—hedges and what +not. And me, being on the end of the line, +was nearest them bushes.</p> + +<p>Well, as the sergeant was speaking I seen +something move under one of them bushes; +and, as Heaven is my witness, there was that +pro-German alligator which had bit Jim on the +nose and started all my troubles. There he +was, walking very slowly, gold-and-diamond +collar and all, and by his lone self, with nobody +to protect him!</p> + +<p>Well, I never stopped to think or salute, or +ask nothing of nobody. All I knew for the +time was that that damn alligator had somehow +got out on his own, and that this was the +chance of a lifetime. So, without more ado, +I fell right out of attention and rushed over +and reached into the bushes and grabbed the +alligator by the tail.</p> + +<p>Well, the officer hollered something at me, I +don't know what, and all the ladies commenced +screaming. And was I scared of that alligator? +I was! But I held him up by the tail, +and it didn't take me two minutes to find out<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> +that he couldn't bite me that way; and then +my scare was gone.</p> + +<p>I felt so good about getting him I didn't +even care much what was being said at me by +the drill sergeant. I just stood there holding +tight to the alligator's tail and grinning all over +myself. But up come Miss Lieutenant, who +had been watching our drill—the one which had +signed me up—and she was as mad as a hornet, +only having a awful time trying not to +laugh.</p> + +<p>"What's this?" she says, indignant.</p> + +<p>Fortunately the alligator was in my left +hand; so I saluted.</p> + +<p>"Enemy alien alligator!" I says.</p> + +<p>"Dismissed from the ranks!" she says. +"And report to Sergeant Warner at Headquarters +at five o'clock."</p> + +<p>Gee, but that made me feel bad! But she +wouldn't listen to no explanations at all, and +there was nothing for me to do except walk +off to where the limousine was waiting. And, +in a way, I was glad, because suppose Ruby +had of looked out and saw the alligator in my +hand! I couldn't of got away with him.</p> + +<p>As things went, I got him safe into the limousine. +And—believe you me—I didn't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> +dare set him down for a minute for fear of his +trying to get even with me; and so I was +obliged to hold him at arm's length until we +got home, which it is a good thing that it wasn't +very far.</p> + +<p>Well, when we got home you ought to of +seen the elevator boys get out of the way! I +walked in holding on to the alligator; and once +I got to the flat there was Ma sitting in the +Looie-the-Head-Waiter drawing-room, reading +a cook-book. When she seen what I had +I must say that for once she acted kind of surprised.</p> + +<p>Of course, she ain't usually surprised, not +after her having twice seen sudden death in the +center ring, and the circus went on just the +same. But alligators coming in unexpected is +rather out of the usual. So Ma marked her +place at sauces for fish, and took off her glasses +so's she could see good, and give me the kind +of stare she used to hand out when I got dirt +on my Sunday-school dress.</p> + +<p>"Why, Mary Gilligan!" she says. "For the +land's sakes, where did you get that?"</p> + +<p>"Caught it on the wing!" I says, very sarcastic, +on account of my arm being nearly broke. +"Can you cook it for supper?" I says.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well," she says. "I guess I can. What is +it? A mock turtle?"</p> + +<p>"It's a pro-German alligator," I says. "And +if you'll just kindly help me instead of standing +there staring at it, we'll intern it some place +so's I can leave my arm get a rest."</p> + +<p>Well, we certainly had a fierce time finding +something to put him in, owing to us not being +able to agree about what kind of a place he +belonged. Ma was all for the goldfish bowl, +claiming it was his native element; and Musette, +who come in, thought the canary cage +was better. But, realizing he couldn't jump +very high, I had them get a big hat-box, and +set him in that.</p> + +<p>"And now what are you going to do with +him?" says Ma as we all stood 'round looking +at him; and my two fool dogs barking their +heads off on account of a mistaken idea they +had that he was a new pet. "What are you +going to do with him?" says Ma.</p> + +<p>"Unless you cook him, I don't know," I +says—"except for one thing: I'm going to take +that gold-and-diamond collar offen that brute +and sell it and give the money to the American +Red Cross; and I'm going to do it now!"</p> + +<p>Believe you me, I was mad at that alligator!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> +And no wonder! Just look at all the trouble +he made me! So I didn't waste any time getting +action against him. First off, I persuaded +Ma, who was real brave, to hold a ice +pick down on his nose good and firm, so's he +couldn't open his face. Then I managed, +after a lot of trouble, to get that bejeweled +sinful collar off his neck. And was it a swell +collar? It was!</p> + +<p>As soon as I had it off we just left that +alligator interned in the hat-box and looked the +collar over good. It was made all of a piece +and the jewels were certainly wonderful. I +know quite a lot about them, me and Ma always +having invested that way when we had +a little extra cash.</p> + +<p>Well, as we was looking the stones over +carefully, I happened to rub one which was +close to the snap, sort of sideways, and right +off something happened: That there collar +parted—yes, sir; parted!—the lining from the +outside, and in the place between the setting +and the inside frame was a couple of thin slips +of paper!</p> + +<p>Well—believe you me—it didn't take me +long to get the idea; not after having a father +and a mother which had been in the circus and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> +had to think quick, and me having been associated +with dramatic stuff all my life—do you +get me? You do!</p> + +<p>What with that collar having come off a +alligator which I was already convinced was +a pro-German, and knowing Von Hoffman +had give it to Ruby Roselle, and got her to +sing Overseas in that nasty costume made out +of the national colors, which should never be +done, I seen everything clear. Von Hoffman +had a German job of some kind!</p> + +<p>And when I unfolded those papers and seen +they was full of funny little marks like a stenographer +makes and then can't read, I realized +that I had happened in on it; and so will +any intelligent public.</p> + +<p>Well, was Ma and Musette full of questions? +They was! But I didn't wait to answer +none of them; for I realized, also, that it +was almost five o'clock, and I was supposed to +report at Headquarters for a bawling-out at +that time. And, after me having broken the +rules once, I had no wish to do it again so soon.</p> + +<p>Well, I just grabbed up the collar and the +papers, and a clean pair of gloves, as the alligator +had completely ruined what I had, and, +having on my hat, waited not to explain, but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> +made a dash for the street. And by a big piece +of luck there was the limousine, still standing +outside on account of I having forgot to +tell John to go. Well, I told him "Headquarters!" +and off we started; and I got there +just on the dot of five o'clock.</p> + +<p>Well, Miss Lieutenant was there, and a Miss +Sergeant—the one I was reporting to—and +that frowzy-looking lady I have spoke of before, +and several other ladies, still in their uniforms. +And while I was explaining, in comes +the captain, which she certainly is a smart +woman. And they all listened while I reported +and told the whole story about Ruby +and me and Jim and Von Hoffman and the +alligator. Then I saluted and handed over +said collar and papers in evidence; and then +the captain spoke up:</p> + +<p>"This material, which is undoubtedly in a +foreign code, will be of interest to the Secret +Service," she says. "This Von Hoffman is +probably one of those persons who are active +in the obviously deliberate effort to cheapen +and degrade the quality of our patriotism," +she says; "for I have heard that is part of the +German propaganda here."</p> + +<p>"Private La Tour, in view of the unusual<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> +circumstances, you are excused for your action +in leaving ranks without permission," she +says; "but next time remember to get your +salute recognized," she says—"even under extreme +conditions."</p> + +<p>Then she went on, and she says:</p> + +<p>"I understand you have given your car," +she says. "Some member in uniform will take +this evidence downtown in Private La Tour's +car," she says, "which we now accept for the +service."</p> + +<p>Then she walked into her office, which said +Private on it, and closed the door; and I +watched one of the ladies in uniform go away, +with the collar and the papers, in my limousine.</p> + +<p>And after she had went I got a terrible +scare, for it come over me all of a sudden that +I hadn't even a nickel change on me to buy car +fare home!</p> + +<p>Well, just as I was standing there wondering +how I was going to hoof it after the +trying day I had had, that frowzy lady comes +up to me, real kind, like she could almost see +what I was thinking of; and she says:</p> + +<p>"May I take you home in my car, Miss La +Tour?" she says. "I have seen you dance so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> +often that I feel as though I knew you. I am +Mrs. Pieter van Norden."</p> + +<p>Just get that, will you, will you? Her that +I had been modeling myself on for refinement +for years! And—would you believe it?—on +the way home she told me she had been trying +to dance like me since the first time she seen me!</p> + +<p>Well—believe you me—I felt so good over +this, and over having got the goods on Von +Hoffman, and about being excused for making +that bad break at drill, and not getting +fired out of the Automobile Service, that I +only commenced feeling bad about Jim and me +again after Mrs. Van Norden had left me at +the door of my place, and I was going up in +the elevator.</p> + +<p>As I was letting myself in with my key I +got so low in my mind again that I felt I would +just die if Jim hadn't phoned; and I knew he +hadn't, for I'd given up hope. Well, I +opened the door and went in. And then I +got another shock; for right in the middle of +the drawing-room stood Jim.</p> + +<p>Well, first off, I didn't know him on account +of him being in khaki; but when he turned +around I nearly died for sure! But I didn't +actually die. What I done is nobody's business<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> +but mine and Jim's. But I will say it was +a second lieutenant-of-aviation uniform; and +they show powder on the shoulder something +terrible.</p> + +<p>And he had been studying for months; and +that's where he was every afternoon, and not +out with some blonde, and wouldn't tell me for +fear he wouldn't get it!</p> + +<p>And I'm going to dance alone at night until +he comes back, and all day drive a truck or +something to release a man. And that's the +whole inside story of the split, which is now +readily seen is not a fight at all, at least not yet +for we got married at once.</p> + +<p>So, only one thing more: Regarding that +alligator, Ma decided he would be too hard to +cook. So Jim took him to camp for a mascot, +and by the time he got through there he learned +to understand American—believe you me!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2>II</h2> + + <h2>PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO</h2> + + + <h3>I</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Ain't</span> it remarkable the way the war has +changed the way we look at a whole lot of +things? Take wrist-watches for one. Before +the military idea was going so strong on its +present booking but a little while, wrist-watches +had grabbed off a masculine standing +for themselves, and six months before no real +man would of been willingly found dead in +one!</p> + +<p>Then take newspapers! Oncet we used to +look at them for news, and now we just look +at them. It's kind of a nervous habit, I guess. +And take simple little things like coal and +sugar. Why once we paid no attention to +them and now we look at them real respectful—when +we see them. Which leads me on to +say that the war has brought us to look at a +great many things we never even seen before,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> +not if they was right under our noses. That's +how I come to see that letter from the W.S.S. +Committee—and would to Heaven I had not, +as the poet says. For although—believe you +me—most of the mail order goods a person +buys is pretty apt to be as rep. because why +would a customer write again which had been +stung once, and thrift stamps is no exception, +it certainly will be a long time before I fall so +easy for anything the postman slips me. Next +time I'll recognize that his whistle is a note +of warning to more than them which has unpaid +bills, which I have not and so never listened +for him.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, the time this little trouble +maker reached my side, I had slipped into a +simple little lounging suit of pink georgette +pajamas, and was lying on the day-bed in a +regular wallow of misery on account of wondering +if Jim was dead on the gory fields of +France, or was it only the censor—do you get +me? I was laying there rubbing a little cold +cream onto my nose and thinking how would +it feel to be always able to do so without losing +my husband's love, which, of course, would +mean he had died at the front, when in comes +Ma with a couple of letters. I give one shriek<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> +and sprung to my feet, like a regular small-time +drama, and grabbed them off her, cold +cream and all. And then slunk back upon the +day-bed and despair when I seen they weren't +from Jim. Ma stood there with her hands on +her hips until she seen I wasn't going to break +any bad news to her, when she left me in peace +to read them. That is she meant to, but believe +you me, it was far from it as Ma went +into our all-paid-for gold furnished parlour +and commenced playing on the pianola which +Jim had give me for a souvenir before he +sailed, and Ma, being sort of heavy and strong, +after twenty-five years with a circus, she has a +fierce touch.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, after she had got "Soft and +Low" going strong with the loud pedal and no +expression, I opened the first envelope. It was +my copy of my new contract with Goldringer +all signed and everything and calling for only +twenty minutes of my first class A-1 parlour +dancing act in his new musical show at the +Springtime Garden entitled "Go To It" and +which let all persons know that the party of +the first part hereinafter called the manager +was willing and able to pay Miss Marie La +Tour, party of the second ditto, one thousand<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> +dollars a week. Which certainly was <i>some</i> +party to look foreward to and scarcely any +work to speak of, a refined act like mine not +calling for over three handsprings and some +new steps, which is second nature to me and I +generally make up a few every night for my +own amusement same as some of those fellows +which play the piano by hand—do you get me?</p> +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> +<p>Well, anyways, when I had looked the contract +over good and seen it really was, as I +had before realized in the office, more than satisfactory, +I salted it away in my toy safe which +was nicely built into the mantel-piece for the +greater convenience of burglars, and then I remembered +the other envelope. All unsuspecting +as a table d'hote guest, I opened the envelope, +and then almost dropped dead.</p> + +<p>It was from President Wilson!</p> + +<p>Believe you me, I leaned up against the art-gray +wall paper and prepared to faint after I +had read the news. But instead of commencing, +"I regret to inform you of the death in +battle," or something like that, it started:</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="author"> +"The White House,<br /> +"Washington, D. C.<br /> +</p> + +<p>"I earnestly appeal to every man, woman<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> +and child to pledge themselves to save constantly +and to buy as regularly as possible the +securities of the Government; and to do this +as far as possible through membership in War +Savings Societies.</p> + +<p>"The man who buys War Savings Stamps +transfers his purchasing power to the United +States Government.</p> + +<p>"May there be none unenlisted in the great +volunteer army of production and saving here +at home.</p> + +<p class="author"> +"<span class="smcap">Woodrow Wilson</span>."<br /> +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Woodrow Wilson! Signed—and addressed +to <i>me!</i> Of course it didn't exactly begin +"Dear Miss La Tour" or anything like that, +and he had signed it with a rubber stamp or +something which I did not hold against him +in the least, me realizing at once what a busy +man he must be. But coming as it done instead +of a death-notice which I had by this +time fully expected after no letter for over a +month, it got to me very strong. It made me +feel all of a sudden that I was a pretty punk +patriot lounging around in pink georgette +pajamas which—believe you me—is no costume +for war-work and felt like going right<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> +off and borrowing one of the gingham house-dresses +which I have never been able to break +Ma of, only, of course, it would of been too +big and anyways what would I of done after +I had it pinned around me? Which could be +said of a whole lot of folks which were rushing +into uniforms of their own inventing.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, after the first shock was +over, I seen there was an enclosure with the +President's letter. This was from some committee +which had a big W.S.S. lable printed +at the top and a piece out of the social register +printed underneath, and was dated N. Y. +It begun more personal.</p> + +<p>"Dear Miss La Tour," it said. "As a +woman so prominent in the theatrical world, +we feel sure that you would be glad to take +an active interest in the great Thrift movement +which is now before the country. Will you not +form a theatrical women's committee that will +pledge the sale of twenty-five thousand dollars' +worth of stamps on the first of the month? +The first of every month will be observed as +Thrift Stamp Day, and we will be glad to furnish +you with all literature, stamps, etc., if +you will notify headquarters of your willingness +to do this work."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> + +<p>The letter was signed by some guy which it +was impossible to read his name because he +hadn't used no rubber stamp but did it by hand +and had other things on his mind. But did I +care? I did not! Believe you me, I had already +decided to do like he asked, and why +would I need to know his name when I wasn't +going to write to him anyways, but to Mr. Wilson? +Dancing as long as I have which is about +fifteen years or since I could walk, pretty near, +and not only professionally but drawing my +own contracts from the time most sweet young +things is thinking over their graduation +dresses, I have learned one thing, if no other. +Always do business with the boss. Refuse to +talk to all office boys, get friendly with the +lady stenographer, if there is one, but do all +business with the one at the head—and no +other! This motto has saved me no end of +time which has been spent in healthy exercise +under my own roof and Ma's eagle eye, which +otherwise might have wore out the seats of +outside-office chairs.</p> + +<p>And so I concluded that I'd sit right down +that minute and let Mr. Wilson know I was +on the job. I knew I had some writing paper +someplace and after I had took a lot of powder<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> +and chamois and old asperin tablets out of +the desk I dug it up:—a box of handsome +velour-finish tinted slightly pink, with envelopes +to match. And I got hold of a pen +and some ink which Musette, my maid, had +overlooked, she being a great writer to her +young man which is French and Gawd knows +how fluent she writes him in it, only of course +being born over there certainly makes a difference.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, I cleaned off the desk and +rubbed the cream off my nose and hands and +set down to write that letter. And—believe +you me—it was some job. I guess I must +of commenced a dozen times and tore them +up with formal openings—do you get me? +And then I realized that the box of pink tinted +was getting sort of low and I had better waste +not want not, and so determined to just be +natural in what I wrote but not take up his +time with too long a letter. So at last I threw +in the clutch, gave myself a little gas, and we +was off, to this effect.</p> + +<blockquote><p>"My dear Mr. Wilson:—</p> + +<p>"Many thanks for yours of the 25th inst. +Will at once get busy at helping to make the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> +first of the month savings day instead of unpaid-bill +day.</p> + +<p class="center"> +"Cordially,<br /> +<span class="smcap" style="margin-left: 6em;">"Marie La Tour.</span>"<br /> + +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This seemed refined and to the point, and +although I was awful tempted to put a P.S. +asking did they know anything about Jim, I +left off on account of me not believing in asking +personal favors of the Government just +now, as the war office was probably medium +busy and the Censor might answer first, at +that. So I just sealed it up as it was, and +about then Ma left off playing on my souvenir +and came in with a pink satin boudoir cap down +tight over her head. Ma just can't seem to get +over the idea that boudoir caps at five dollars +and up per each is a sort of de lux housework +garment.</p> + +<p>"I'm just going in the kitchen and beat up +a few cakes for lunch," said Ma, and withdrew, +leaving me to lick on three cents and +shoot the letter fatefully and finally down the +drop near the gilt-bird-cage elevator of our +home-like little flat. I felt awfully relieved +and chesty somehow when it was done and with +her good news ringing in my ears. For Ma is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> +certainly some cook, and she has it all over our +chef, who—believe you me—knows she would +never be missed if she went although Ma simply +can't learn to stay out of the kitchen. And +while she was busy with the butter and eggs +and sugar and wheat flour, I was deciding to +call a committee, because I knew that was the +way you generally start raising twenty-five +thousand dollars worth of anything, except a +personal note.</p> + +<p>Committee meetings is comparative strangers +to me except the White Kittens Annual +Ball, and a few benefit performances which +last is usually for the benefit of those which +are to be in it, they leaving aside all consideration +of the benefit of the audience much less of +the charity it is supposed to be for, and +the main idea being how long each actor can +hold the spotlight. You may have noticed +how these benefit performances runs on for +hours.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, I having been to several +such as of course the best known parlour dancing +act in America and the world, like mine +undoubtedly is, is never overlooked. And I +knew we had to get a place with a big table +and chairs set around it and then the committee<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> +was started. So the White Kittens always +having met in the Grand Ball Room of the +Palatial Hotel, I called up the place and hired +the room for the next morning at twelve-thirty, +me being determined that my Theatrical +Ladies Committee should get there directly +after breakfast. The cost of the room was one +hundred dollars, and I didn't know was the +Government to pay it or us, but I was, of +course, willing to do it myself if necessary. +Anyways it was a committee-room, I knew +that by reason of my having sat in it as such +at least twice each year since the place was built—way +back in '13. Then all I had to do was +get my committee.</p> + +<p>I had just about dived for the telephone book +to see who would I call up, when Ma come in, +taking off the pink satin cap and wiping her +face.</p> + +<p>"I made a omlette," said Ma. "Come catch +it before it falls!"</p> + +<p>And so I called it the noon-whistle though +some might of called it a day, and we went in +and while we ate only a simple little lunch of +the omlette (which we got at first base) and +liver and bacon and cold roast beef and a few +stewed prunes with the fresh cake, I told Ma<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> +about what had happened, and how I had already +got after the job.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mary Gilligan, you done the right +thing!" said Ma. "And what kind of costume +are you going to wear?"</p> + +<p>"The notices don't say anything about a uniform," +I explained to her. "And I'm pretty +sure you don't need any. This is the sort of +thing our leading society swells are taking up +so heavy," I says, "and to do it is not only patriotic +but feminine to the core," I says.</p> + +<p>"Will you have to stand on the street-corners +and worry the life out of folks?" Ma +wanted to know.</p> + +<p>"Not much!" I says. "That stuff is for the +hoi-poli and idle rich and kids and unemployed. +That's where some of the new democracy comes +in. Us with brains is to do the office work. +Them with good hearts only can do theirselves +and the country more service in the stores and +street-cars selling something that don't belong +to them," I says, "and—believe you me—I bet +any American gets a funny sensation doing +that little thing."</p> + +<p>Ma looked real impressed for a minute, +showing she hadn't any idea what I was talking +about. Then she come back to her main<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> +idea with which she had started which you can +bet she always does until she gets through with +it her own self.</p> + +<p>"Well, I think you ought to have something +for a uniform," she says. "Say a cap and +maybe a trench coat!"</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't wear no trench coat around the +Forty-Second Street and Broadway trenches," +I says. "I wouldn't actually have the nerve +to insult the army like that!"</p> + +<p>And Ma seen what I meant and said no more +which it certainly is remarkable how good we +get on for Mother and daughter.</p> + +<p>So she only urged me to have another cream-cake, +which I took and then I made for the +phone and started calling up some ladies to +form the committee out of. After thinking +the matter over very careful I finally decided +on six of the most prominent in my line which +was, of course, the Dahlia sisters which had +been often on the same bill with me and, of +course, they ain't really related—no such team +work as theirs was ever pulled by members of +the same family, unless maybe when knocking +some absent member—do you get me? Well, +anyways, beside them I got Madame Clementina +Broun, the well known Lady Baritone,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> +she being a rather substantial party which +would give weight to us in cabaret circles. Of +course Pattie The Dancer had to be asked, she +being so prominent especially as to her tights +and strong pull with Goldringer but I only +done it out of diplomacy, which any one knows +committees has to have a lot of. And she is +less diplomatic than me as well, for instead of +just accepting for her own self she accepts also +for some friends which I had not invited, and +she did not name. Pattie is alias Mrs. Fred +Hutchins—him who gets up those reviews—you +know—which is the only reason she is +starred in them for Gawd only knows a child +which had been started anywheres near right +could of done her steps at the age of seven, +they being mere hard-sole clog with no arm +movements but having a great many imitators +among college boys and such, that scare-crow +stuff being as showy as it is easy.</p> + + +<p>Well, anyways, when I had got this far I +had one vacancy on my hands and as our Allies +was not sufficiently represented so far, decided +on Mlle. DuChamps which of course she +was really born in Paris, Indiana, but as a +toe-dancer is unequalled in any language and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> +has a lovely broken accent. So there we had +France. Madame Clementia was married to +a Italian and he being dead or something I +never asked what I felt she was a safe Ally because +she couldn't of revolted, not if a +schrapnel was to have went off under her. +Pattie was of course Irish and the Dahlias' +Jewish, and Gawd knows what the other girl +was and I didn't care.</p> + + + <h3>II</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> they had all promised to get theirselves +waked up on time and be over to the Palatial, +I kind of weakened on Ma's suggestion +about clothes. Of course I wasn't going to +fall for that uniform stuff, but when me and +Musette looked over my clothes I simply +didn't have a thing to wear. Every one of +my dresses was too morning or evening +or something and above all things I do +believe in dressing a part, and certainly I +had nothing which looked like a chairmaness. +So after getting into a simple little sports costume +of violet satin and my summer furs, and +taking a peep into the mail box to see had anything +got by the censor yet which of course it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> +hadn't, I started out to buy me something +which would be quiet but tasty and snappy because +nothing inspires respect in a ladies committee +like a dress none of them has seen before.</p> + +<p>Have you ever noticed how you can pass up +something which has been right under your +nose day after day and then all of a sudden +you hitch on to something which belongs to it +and then all you see is that thing—do you get +me? Say yellow kid boots. You never even +noticed a pair, but one day you buy them and +next time you're out every second woman has +them on. Or you go into mourning for somebody +and all of a sudden you commence noticing +how many other people is the same only +of course there ain't over the average—it's only +that you notice it because you are in it. Well, +believe you me—that first afternoon I went +out after receiving the President's letter, I was +that way with this W.S.S. stuff. Of course +I had bought my thousand dollars worth the +first week they was out, as had also Ma and +she and I together the same for Musette. But +we had done it on the Liberty Loans the same, +also Red Cross and thought we was through +and all the signs and posters and what not had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> +come to be invisible to me like a chewing-gum +or a soap ad—do you get me?</p> + +<p>But now I was in it and not only did I see +every sign and see them good, but felt like I +had one on my back and everybody must know +about the letter and everything. I walked +kind of springy, too, in spite of the furs, and +then when I turned into the Avenue, me being +on foot, a five mile walk per day having to be +got away with by me or Ma would know the +reason why, the trouble commenced. Believe +you me, I must of refused to buy thrift stamps +one hundred times in twenty blocks, and every +time I said I had all I could, the look I got +handed me would have withered a publicity +man. There must be a hot lot of fancy liars +among us, with no imagination, for why would +W.S.S. still be on sale if everybody had bought +that much? And when I wasn't refusing to +buy stamps I was forking out quarters for +everything from blind Belgian hares to Welch +Rabbits for German prisoners. And it's a +good thing I had a charge account to Maison +Rosabelle's or I would never of got my dress. +And the more I was pestered to buy them +stamps the madder I got. I commenced to +feel it was a regular hold up, and that the police<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> +ought to interfere. A person which is pestered +to death will even sour on the Red Cross. +I don't mean that they ain't humane, neither—only +that they are human, and the most dangerous +thing to do to a human is to bore it—any +one in the theatrical professions learns +that young and thoroughly. And when I realized +that I was getting bored with this constant +hold-up I got a fearful jolt and a cold +chill.</p> + +<p>Here I was undertaking to chair a committee +to sell the things and Gawd knows my +heart ought to of been in it with Jim over there +and all, and it was, only getting bored with +the war is kind of natural, it being so far off +and nothing likely to do us personal bodily injury +on the Avenue unless maybe the restaurants +or a auto and that our own fault. And +so soon as I realized what I was up against +with the great Boredom Peril, I realized also +what I had personally in writing promised Mr. +Wilson, and took a brace. It was just like the +early days on the Small-Time when the booking +depends on the hand and the hand was the +one which fed us—and not any too much at +that with the carrying expenses—and the hand +was getting weaker. Me and Ma sat up all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> +one night doping out my double handspring +with the heel-click. And it was a desperate +effort and we thought it was a flivver but not +at all. When I landed on my feet after the +first try-out, I knew I was there to stay, and +any intelligent public will realize that I remembered +it now. And by this time I had +reached the store I was headed for.</p> +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>I will confess that from the moment I had +decided to buy a new dress I had my mind all +set on what it was to be—something sheer and +light—printed chiffon, and a hat to go with it. +But by the time I had reached Maison Rosabelle +my hunch on my new job was beginning +to go strong and one of the things that worried +me was that dress. Also my lunch. +Sometimes it happens that too much of a good +thing is the only thing which will turn you +against it—do you get me? And Ma's cream +cakes had this effect. Maybe had I eat less +of them I would not have had no indigestion +and so not counted their cost as Lincoln, or +somebody, says. And if I hadn't had the +indigestion maybe I wouldn't of worried over +the dress. Well, anyways, the first person I +see inside the store was Maison herself, very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> +elegant and slim, only with a little too much +henna in her hair as usual.</p> + +<p>"Well, Masie," I said when we had got into +the privacy of the art-gray dressing room and +lit a cigarette, while the girl went for some +models. "Well, Masie, I want to know is +business good?" Masie is her real name she +having Frenchified it for business reasons, the +same as myself.</p> + +<p>"Oh, dearie!" says she. "Business is elegant! +With so many officers in town, I can +scarcely keep enough things in stock. The +beaded georgettes go so fast, on account of +being perishable. Ruby Roselle had three last +week of me. One party and they're gone!"</p> + +<p>While Masie and me has been friends ever +since I can remember, her mother having been +Lady Lion Tamer in the same circus with Ma +and Pa's trapeze act, as she uttered them +words, I commenced feeling a little coolness +toward her. For once I get a idea in my +head it's a religion to me, and the W.S.S. was +getting to me.</p> + +<p>"Dont you think maybe that's profiteering, +Masie?" I ast.</p> + +<p>Maison run a well manicured hand over her +marcelle and smiled superior—she has always<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> +prided herself on being sort of high-brow and +reads <i>Sappy Stories</i> regular.</p> + +<p>"Why, dearie, how you talk!" she says. +"Dont you know that a little gaiety keeps up +the morale of the country?"</p> + +<p>"I'm not so sure about some gaiety keeping +up the moral of anything!" I says with +meaning, not wishing to directly knock anybody +but still wishing Masie to get me. "And +personally myself, I think any time's a bad +time to waste money on clothes which won't +last!"</p> + +<p>"My goodness, Sweetie!" Masie shrieked. +"What's gonner become of us if ladies was to +quit buying? Tell me that? How we gonner +hire our help, and all, and how can they live +if we dont hire 'em? Have a heart!" she says. +"And what are you talking about—you coming +in after a new dress yourself, and only last +week had two chiffons which Gawd knows +ain't chain-armour for wear!"</p> + +<p>"I know!" I admitted, "but I'm going to can +my order. Just tell the girl to bring gingham +or something which will wash—if you got such +a thing!"</p> + +<p>"Well, Mary Gilligan, I guess you're going +nutty!" says Masie, but she gives the order,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> +and I choose one at $15—which could be dry-cleaned, +and that was the nearest I could come +to what I was after.</p> + +<p>"You wont like it!" Masie warned me. "It's +too cheap—better take a good silk!"</p> + +<p>But I wouldn't—not on a bet. Even although +what Masie said about cutting down +too much on buying stuff sounded sensible, or +would if only the question was how far can +a person cut before they reach the quick? Of +course I see her point, and she had as good a +right to live as me. Yet something was wrong +some place, I couldn't figure out where. So I +just charged the dress and set out for home, +and owning a cotton dress made me feel awful +warlike and humble—do you get me?</p> + +<p>But while I felt better about my dress, the +cream-cakes was still with me, and, being now +a sort of Government Official, they and that +got me noticing the food signs, as well, and +wishing I had eat only a little cereal for my +lunch. That gave me a idea which on arriving +home I handed to Ma.</p> + +<p>"I have just bought me a wash-dress, or almost +so, Ma!" I told her. "And honest to +Gawd I do think we ought to eat to match it.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> +Suppose we was to go on war-rations of our +own free wills?"</p> + +<p>"Well, we eat pretty plain and wholesome +now!" says Ma. "Just like we always done!"</p> + +<p>"But times is different!" I says, toying with +the soda-mint bottle, and who knows but what +they were being more needed abroad? "And +cream-cakes is a non-essential. Especially to +one which has to keep her figure down," I says. +"So for lunch to-morrow let's have cereal +only," I says.</p> + +<p>Well I hate to take pleasure from any one +and the sight of Ma's face when I said this +would of brought tears to a glass eye. But +I felt particularly strong-minded just then +what with the indigestion and no letter from +the censor yet and Gawd knows that is no joke +as they are certainly more his than Jim's by +the time they get to me! But after I had told +Ma how all the caviar had ought to be sent +over to the boys and how food would win the +war and how Wilson expected every man—you +know—well, she got all enthusiastic over +making up a lot of cheap recipes and we had the +butcher and grocer pared down to about ninety +cents each per day. Ma could just see herself +growing slim, and she kept remembering<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> +things she used to cook for Pa in the old days +before she retired on the insurance money. +And first thing you knew the time had come +for me to go to the theatre. Just as I was +starting for the door Ma mentioned Rosco, +our publicity man.</p> + +<p>"Are you going to call him or will I?" she +wanted to know.</p> + +<p>"About what?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Why about your committee-meeting to-morrow?" +she says.</p> + +<p>"Nothing doing!" I came back at her. +"Would you invite a manager to see a practice-act? +Its going to be amateur-night for me, to-morrow +is, and no outsiders are urged to attend! +And anyways, I'm not doing this for +publicity which Gawd knows I dont need any, +but for my Uncle Sam!"</p> + +<p>"Well, thank goodness, you aint go no other +relations you feel that way about," says Ma, +"or we'd all be in the poorhouse shortly!"</p> + + + <h3>III</h3> + +<p>Well, that night when I came home I cried +myself to sleep with my head under the pillow +so's Ma wouldn't hear what I called the censor,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> +but slept good on account of the simple +little war-supper of only lettuce and a cup of +soup which Ma had ready for me, and in the +morning was up with the lark as the poet says, +only of course they was really sparrows, it being +the city. Well, anyways, I felt good and +husky and as early as eleven-thirty I was all +fixed up in the new wash dress, which its a actual +fact Musette had to sew it together four +separate places that it come apart while putting +it on me. The goods wasn't the quality I +had thought, come to look at them closer, but +anyways it was cheap and that was one good +thing about it. Ma brought me in a shredded +wheat-less biscuit and a cup of coffee, a sort of +funny look on her face like she had taken her +oath and would stick it out to the death. She +didn't say anything, only set it down and I ate +it, saying nothing either because it was what +we had agreed we would get along on for +breakfast. When I was through she give me +a news item.</p> + +<p>"The cook is leaving!" she says. "On account +of the new rations."</p> + +<p>"That's no loss!" I says gaily, because as a +general thing Ma is only too glad when this +happens.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I ain't so sure!" says Ma. "I'm not as +young as I was, and I cant do <i>all</i> the cooking!"</p> + +<p>Well—believe you me—I sat up and took +notice of that! Ma kicking at her favorite +pastime. Something was wrong. But even +then I didn't get what it was. So I just remarked +we could eat our dinners at the Ritz +that being good publicity anyways and always +expected of me in full evening dress when I +am dancing. So that much settled and there +being no letter yet and me being sort of nervous +about that meeting which was breaking +ahead, I went and beguiled a hour at Jim's +souvenir. I thought a whole lot of that +pianola, he having given it to me just before +he sailed, and as of course it was too heavy to +wear over my aching heart which is generally +supposed to be done with souvenirs of loved +ones overseas, I put in a good deal of time sitting +at it, and—believe you me—my touch is +a whole lot better than Ma's which me being +light on my feet by nature and business both, +is not so surprising. Well, I got myself all +worked up over Jim while playing "Somewhere +A Voice Is Calling with Mandolin Arrangement" +and a whole lot of expression and +what with feeling a little low on account of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> +patriotic breakfast, I was just in the right +frame of mind to throw myself heart and soul +into the good work before me—do you get it? +You do!</p> +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Well, I had no sooner left the shelter of our +own flat, than that same hold-up game which +I had noticed so particular the day before was +started on me. The elevator-girls, which had +taken the place of a standing yet sitting army +of foreign princes which had used to clutter +up our front hall and the only excuse they had +for living was the nerve they give the landlord +when he come to price the rents:—well, anyways, +the girls which had taken their places +since the draft blew in, was selling W.S.S. +Of course I couldn't buy any for the same reasons +as yesterday. So they sprung a working +girls War Crippled Aid Fund and I contributed +to that, because I believe in girls running +elevators. Why wouldn't they, when +thousands has run dumb-waiters so good for +years? Well, anyways, I give them something +and escaped to the street only to be lit on for +stamps by the first small boy I met. And +after only seven others had tried me, I got to +the Palatial Hotel, and—believe you me—by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> +that time worried pretty severely about how +could a person sell twenty-five thousand dollars +worth of the pesky things and not get slain +by some impatient citizen who felt that I was +the last camel and his back was broke, or whatever +the poet says? Really, it was serious, and +being the first of the Theatrical Ladies to arrive, +the big ballroom with the table and seven +empty chairs like a desert island in the middle +of the floor, failed to cheer me any.</p> + +<p>Well, there was a arm-chair at one end of +the table and there being nobody around to +either elect me or stop me, I grabbed off this +chair and held to it with the grim expression +of a suburbanite who knows her husband isn't +coming but wont admit it, and a good thing I +acted prompt as should be done in all war-measures, +because pretty soon the other ladies +commenced arriving. I guess they must of +thought they could get a better part by coming +early, they was so prompt, and by one +o'clock they was actually all there except Pattie +and her unknown friend, which was pretty +good, the date having been twelve-thirty.</p> + +<p>Well, we all shook hands and I arose from +my seat but didn't move a inch away from it, +having seen something of committee meetings<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> +where the wrong person had it. And then +they all sat down and took in my dress and +hat and I theirs, and we was very amiable and +refined and I felt so glad I had picked such a +good bunch and wished Pattie would hurry so's +we could commence, when lo! as the poet says, +my wish was granted, for in come Pattie and +with her her friend and My Gawd, if it wasn't +Ruby Roselle!</p> + +<p>Well, far be it from me to say anything +about any lady, only pro-Germans is pro-Germans +by any other name, as Shakespeare says, +provided you can find it out, and here she was, +butting in on a gathering of would-be Dolly +Madisons and Moll Pritchers and everything, +and I wouldn't of invited her for the world +if only Pattie had mentioned her name. But +here she was, all dressed up like a plush horse +and so friendly it got me worried right away. +Any one which has seen Ruby in her red, white +and blue tights will at once realize what I +mean, though nothing but the tights was ever +proved against her. What on earth she wanted +with our committee was very suspicious because +why would she ever of taken a expensive and +difficult present like a baby alligator from a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> +German which she once done, if not pro, her +own self?</p> + +<p>But time for starting something had sure +come, if we was ever to get any lunch, so I +got them all seated and commenced—a little +weak in the knees which it was a good thing I +was seated, but strong in the voice, so as to +start the moral right—do you get me?</p> + +<p>"Ladies of the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. +Committee," I began, being determined not to +waste no time on formalities, which it has always +seemed to me that on such occasions a +lot of gas is used up in them which would have +run the machine quite a ways if applied properly. +We all knew we was the Theatrical +Ladies W.S.S. Committee and I was the +chairman, so why waste words making me it? +"Ladies," I says, "I have a letter from President +Wilson asking me to get to work, and so +have formed a committee to sell twenty-five +thousand dollars worth of War Savings +Stamps on the first of the month. I sat right +down and wrote him I would do it, and here we +are. Of course this being the twenty-eighth +of the month the notice is short. Probably he +didn't expect us really to get to work until next +month, but personally, myself, I think we<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> +should surprise him by getting the money by +Saturday night, which Saturday night is the +first. Now, you Committee Ladies is here to +discuss how will we do it. I would be glad to +hear ideas, suggestions and etc."</p> + +<p>Well, nobody said anything for a few minutes +only Ruby put a little powder on her nose +and looked at it critical in her vanity case +mirror, which well she might for Gawd knows +she had powder enough on her already. Then +Madame Broun, the Lady Baritone, cleared +her throat.</p> + +<p>"I would be glad to give a recital," she said, +swelling up her neatly upholstered black satin +bosom, "and turn over the money it brings in. +I presume the Government would hire the +theatre for me."</p> + +<p>"Well," I says, "that is a real nice suggestion +only not quite practical. You see it wouldn't +be right to ask the Government to pay for the +theater in case it was a wet Monday and only +a few came in out of the rain. Any more +ideas?"</p> + +<p>The blond Dahlia sister spoke up then.</p> + +<p>"Whatever you suggest goes with me, +Marie," she says, which was terrible sweet of +her, only it's a darn sight easier to give a proxy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> +than a good suggestion, which I did not however +mention, Blondie being a real fine Jewish +American and a willing worker as I well knew.</p> + +<p>"I thought of course it was a benefit we +would give," put in Pattie in a voice which +just plain dismissed every other possibility. "I +have a new patter to 'Yankee Doodle' with a +red, white and blue spot on me, at front center +with the rest of the house dark. It ought to +go big about the center of the programme."</p> + +<p>After which modest little suggestion she +sunk gracefully back into her seat and commenced +shadow-tapping the tune with her feet +under the committee table.</p> + +<p>"Well, benefits is always possible," I said, +"and of course we could have it with admission +by W.S.S. only. But it's been done a lot and +three days ain't so very much time in which to +get it up in a way which would do your act +justice," I says.</p> + +<p>"Ah! <i>cheries!</i>" says Mlle. DuChamp. "Mes +petites!" she says, whatever that was. "I have +zee gran' idea—perfect! I will make zee +speach on zee steps of zee Library of zee Public +at Forty-Second Street and Feeth Avenoo. +I will arise, I will stretch my han', I will call +out 'Cityonnes! 'Urry up queek! Your countree<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> +call you—Formez vos battillions!' and +while I make zee dramatic appeal zee ozzers +can collect twenty-five t'ousand dollar from zee +breathless crowd!"</p> + +<p>She had got up on her box-toed shoes and +was making the grandest gestures you ever see. +Honest to Gawd I do believe that girl has +herself kidded into believing that the Paris she +was born in was France, not Ind. I kind of +waved at her, and when she had flopped back +into her place, completely overcome by her +emotions, I suggested that maybe the Library +wasn't as Public as it looked, being generally +occupied of a fine afternoon by wounded soldiers +making the same line of talk, and of +course Mlle. DuChamps would be more <i>chic</i> +and all that, but would she be let?</p> + +<p>"Of course she wouldn't!" says Ruby, coming +out of her vanity-case for a minute. "Of +course not! My idea is that we all chip in say +about seven thousand five hundred and let it +go at that!"</p> + +<p>Somehow this cheap-Jack way of getting +out of doing any work by spending a little +money, got my goat something fierce. Besides +which it was Ruby's idea of patriotism and all +against W.S.S. rules and everything, but for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> +the minute I was so floored I couldn't speak. +The dark Dahlia did it for me, though, and +much more contained than I could of at the +time.</p> + +<p>"That's mighty generous, Miss Roselle," she +says just as sweet, "only you see me and Blondie +has each got our thousand dollars worth +and one person can't get more," she says.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'll take a thousand dollars worth +then," said Ruby, and I could see very plain +that the matter was finished in her mind, and +what would you expect different after them patriotic +tights of hers?</p> + +<p>"I'll take a thousand also," put in Madame +Broun. "To tell the right truth I haven't a +one. What do you do with them—stick them +on the backs of letters like Tuberculosis, or +Merry Xmas?"</p> + +<p>Well, we explained they was not a additional +burden to the postman but more or less of a +investment. And then the awful truth come +out that Pattie hadn't none either and that +Mlle. DuChamps had always thought they was +to put on tobacco boxes and candy and everything +you stored up in the house to eat, though +Gawd only knows how she got that idea except +of course it's the truth that most people is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> +boobs, outside of their own line, more's the +pity!</p> +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Well, anyways, we took in four thousand +right then and there and so all that remained +was twenty-one. Ruby undertook to sell +another three among her personal friends, and +the Dahlias said they thought they could raise +as much more between theirselves. Then +when Mlle. DuChamps and Madame Broun +had concluded to take on three apiece there +was eleven thousand dollars worth of friendless +little stamps with nobody to love them but me. +Well, with no better schemes than benefits and +concerts and talks in sight, I see it was up to +me to bite off the biggest slice of pie myself, +so I said I'd take the remainder. Of course +with my influence and name and all I would of +had no trouble getting rid of them only by +asking prominent men like Goldringer and +Rosco and the Dancing Trust people beside a +few more personal ones. And then when we +had got this far I see some of the ladies commence +looking at their wrist-watches for other +reasons than to show they had them, and so +hustled up the last of the business which was +merely how would we print our forms for subscribers<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> +to fill out. Ruby suggested a gilt-edge +card tinted violet with whatever lettering +I chose, and while I didn't care for it I agreed, +being hungry myself.</p> + +<p>"I do think it is awful fine of you to take +on that big amount," said Pattie. "But you +always was generous, Marie, I will say that +for you."</p> + +<p>"Ladies!" I said. "No thanks where they +dont belong. Because I am undertaking this +sale for far other reasons than you suppose."</p> + +<p>But since everybody by then plainly cared +more for their lunch than my reasons we +parted, agreeing to send the money to my place +on Sunday morning.</p> + + + <h3>IV</h3> + +<p>But I will here set down my unspoken reasons, +which was that fine as it is to walk out to +your rich friends and pluck a thousand worth +of stamps per each off them and of course nobody +but thinks the rich should have them, too, +I had a strong hunch that the reason for selling +stamps at five dollars or even two bits, was because +every one could get in on a good thing +that way. Somehow there seemed something<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> +too up-stage about going in only for the high +spots, and after ordering the cards I hurried +home full of determination to make a stab at +selling to the common herd and with a terrible +appetite and anxious as could be over the one +o'clock mail.</p> + +<p>Well, the last two was doomed to a immediate +disappointment because the censor was +sitting just as tight as ever and there was only +cereal for lunch. Believe you me it give me +sort of a jolt when I sat down to so little and +Ma's face was not any too cheering. We commenced +to eat in silence which being both perfect +ladies was the only thing to do as it was +also burned. But after a minute Ma lay down +on the job. She pushed her dish over toward +me in disgust.</p> + +<p>"Try that on your piano, Mary Gilligan!" +she says.</p> + +<p>"Well, Ma, you know what war is," I says. +"And we'll get a good meal at the Ritz to-night +to make up!"</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, sustained more by patriotism +than by what I had eat, I set out to put +over a scheme I had all hatched out in my head +for using places which was already kind of organized, +as my selling agents—do you get me?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> +And the first place I went was to Maison Rosabelle's +because—believe you me—that cheap +dress I had bought off her needed a plastic surgeon +by then. Maison was as usual giving +a unconscious imitation of a trained seal, +switching gracefully around the store with a +customer which she was hypnotizing into all +forgetfulness of prices. But finally I got her +alone long enough to express what I thought +about the dress and any lady will be able to +imagine what that was. Then I asked her +could she fall in with my scheme which was on +Saturday to take only Thrift Stamps or +W.S.S. for each purchase and sell them the +stamps herself. Maison didn't enthuse over +the idea, though she's rich at that.</p> + +<p>"Why, dearie! Not on a bet!" she said. +"It ain't that I'm not patriotic, but this establishment +is <i>exclusive!"</i></p> + +<p>Well, I seen there was no use arguing with +her, and I guess there never is with a woman +which is marcelle-waved every day of her life, +not to mention that cheap fake of a dress. +Next one I buy of her without a guarantee will +be for her funeral! So I just left her flat and +went over to Chamberlin's. Of course it takes +a whole lot more brains to run a enormous<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> +cabaret and restaurant like his than Maison +has to use if less nerve, he not coming personally +into contact with the customers like she +does, and I counted on this. I went in by the +main door where a lady sat selling W.S.S. +and she bored me to death with them while a +captain went to find Chamberlin. When I +seen him coming I tried to assume that +sprightly and convincing manner of the sidewalk +W.S.S. hounds, but was overcome with +that deep seated sense of being about to make +a flivver, which also shows on most of them. +However, Chamberlin was a genial good soul +and was crazy over stamps. But he had beat +me to it on the admission only by buying +stamps on Saturday night.</p> + +<p>"Better try among your rich friends, Miss +La Tour!" he says. "And you'll be surprised +how many you'll sell. That's the easiest way +unless you use a gun!"</p> + +<p>"I don't want to sell to my friends," says I. +"I want to sell to everybody—get folks to chip +in. The chipping-in idea is what is so good—get +together and all that."</p> + +<p>Well, believe you me—after this I tried a +dozen places and every one of them, stores and +all, where I had any influence or charge account,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> +had got theirselves so full of W.S.S. +schemes that I felt like a helpless babe in arms +as the poet says, before I was through. There +was no room for my little $11,000 worth any +place: they had all stocked up, and what to do +next I had no idea.</p> + +<p>On the way to the Ritz that night Ma didn't +talk steady like she usually does and seemed +kind of low in her mind, and maybe in her +stomach also which I was the same by then. +Not to mention the censor which it is better not +to for fear I might say what I thought and he +a Government official.</p> + +<p>But anyways no sooner was we inside the +hotel than two society swells tackled us for +W.S.S. Oh, they was democratic, just! They +spoke right to us, and everything! But my +goat was got by it.</p> + +<p>"A regular hold-up!" I whispered to Ma. +And as I spoke them fateful words I remembered +that I owned a gun, which it was left +from a piece I done for the movies and I had +kept it for a souvenir. Of course I dismissed +the thought at once like the sensible woman +I am. But somehow it wouldn't exactly stay +away.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> + +<p>Did you ever get to seeing things as they +really was and wondering why on earth people +go through such a lot of motions pretending +things is not what they seem, as some guy so +truly says—do you get me? As soon as I had +said "hold-up" I realized that that was just +what was being done. And when I realized +that it was <i>necessary</i> to hold up people in order +to get them to make a safe investment which +would earn them a good net profit while saving +their fool lives, I got so raving mad that +a gun seemed too good for them. And mad at +myself, too, for not seeing sooner how much +my own Jim's welfare was hanging onto my +shoulders. Somehow up to then I had really +a idea that the bunch down in Washington was +relieving me of all trouble and responsibility +about this war. But now I seen it wasn't so. +If the G.A.P. or Great American People was +actually such boobs that they didn't flock up +and wish their life savings onto such a scheme, +they had ought to be made to, same as Ma used +to hold my nose for my own good and believe +you me—I can taste that oil to this day!</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, this philosophy stuff kept +going through my mind while running up a +considerable check which Gawd knows we<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> +needed it or the undertaker would of conscripted +us. And then all of a sudden who did +I see but Ruby Roselle only two tables away +and with her a husky young lounge-lizzard +which goes around with her a lot—you know—one +of the kind whose favorite flower is the +wild oat, but never has anything to spend but +the evening. And him and Ruby had their +heads together and was watching me like the +German spies in a movie which every one in +the audience spots except their victims which +of course are looking at the director close up +front which is certainly the only reason they are +fooled.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, I was surprised to see Ruby +because Broadway places is more her speed, +and I never see her in such refined surroundings +before. But I realizing about her kind +of patriotism I commenced wondering wasn't +she there to watch me? Though for what reason +I had no idea.</p> + +<p>That night after the show, I asked Goldringer +wouldn't he use the admission by W.S.S. +Saturday, and he wouldn't because he had it +on for one of his other theatres. And so I +went home in despair and a taxi, and was further +cheered by a empty letter-box.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> + +<p>In the morning the cards come—a thousand +of them—and certainly more elegant looking +than I had expected, I will say that for Ruby +and reading as follows:</p> + +<p>"The Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee +will deliver to ............ of ............ +worth of W.S.S. stamps on presentation of this +card. Payment for same is hereby acknowledged."</p> + +<p>Then came a blank which it was up to me +to fill in. Well, I didn't hesitate and after a +hearty breakfast of crackers and milk and +weak tea, I tied up the lace sleeves of my negligee +and set to work at signing them. Believe +you me, before I was done I quite see why +President Wilson used a rubber stamp! But +I didn't weaken until noon, when any one +would have on the meal I'd had. And by then +they was finished anyways and every one of +them valid and as good as my cheque. Then +just as I was feeling proud of myself in come +Ma and I could see at once she was going to +take a fall out of me in her sweet womanly +way.</p> + +<p>"If you ain't too busy with your war work," +says Ma very gentle but firm, "I'd like to talk +to you about something before we set down to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> +the skeleton lunch which is waiting and can +be continued in our next for all I care!" she +says.</p> + +<p>Well, I got that gone-around-the-middle +feeling which I always get when Ma gives me +a certain look, just like I used to when she'd +tell me soap was good for washing out the +mouths of kids which had told a lie. And so +I just set there and listened.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mary Gilligan," she commenced. +"Do you know the size of the cheque you signed +over to the hotel last night?"</p> + +<p>"About twelve-fifty," I says sort of getting +a glimmer.</p> + +<p>"When your Pa and me was married he give +me twelve a week for all our meals!" she says, +and set back and folded her hands in a way +which said all she hadn't.</p> + +<p>"But times has changed," I says sort of +feeble.</p> + +<p>"But appetites has not!" says Ma. "And +how can you keep in good training on this war-nonsense?" +she wanted to know. "Not to mention +me, which it might improve my figure but +never my disposition?"</p> + +<p>"But how about making war sacrifices and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> +all, Ma?" I says. "Jim ain't eating like we +done up till yesterday!"</p> + +<p>"Nor he ain't eating twelve dollar dinners at +the Ritz, neither," she reminds me, at which of +course I shut up and she went on. "Now I +dont believe being stingy to ourselves is really +gonner help the war. You have strode in +upon my department for once, Mary Gilligan, +and I'm going to put you out! You don't +know where to economize and I do. No more +eating out, and a good sensible table at home, +minus cream cakes," she says, "is what we do +from now on!"</p> + +<p>And with that she marches out leaving me +flat as one of her own pan-cakes. Well, this +was bad enough, but when Musette got after +me as I was dressing to go for my five miles, +I seen that my humbling for the day was not +finished.</p> + +<p>"That dress Madam bought yesterday," she +began.</p> + +<p>"You can have it!" I said, beating her to it, +or so I thought.</p> + +<p>"Thank you, I do not care for it," says +Musette. "I was just remarking it is really +not fit to wear again. Madam would of done +better to pay a little more!"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> + +<p>Can you beat it? You can not! Two falls +from one pride! Believe you me I took <i>some</i> +walk that afternoon, and if I had wore a speedomiter +I bet it would have registered a lot over +five miles. And while I was walking I kept +getting madder and madder and more and +more worked up over what boneheads people +was and how was a person to economize nowadays +and how on earth would I sell all them +stamps by Saturday night with a matinée in +between and keep my promise to President +Wilson? It begun to look like I was going to +have to become one of them sidewalk pests. I +got a real good picture of myself going up to +the proud or pesky passer-by, and getting +turned down so often that my spirit was bent +thinking of it.</p> + +<p>But—believe you me—I made up my mind +that if I had to hold up anybody to make +them invest in the World's Soundest Securities +or W.S.S. I would hold them up good and +plenty and no disguise about it. I thought +again about my revolver, the one which I had +used it in the movies when I done "The +Dancer's Downfall" for them and kept it for +a souvenir. I was that wrought up over the +situation that by the time I got home I had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> +pretty near decided I'd take that fire-arm to +the theatre and lock the doors and come down +front center and shoot out one of the lights to +show I meant it and then take the money right +off the audience. The theatre being my native +element it seemed only natural to pull the trick +there, only being a lady the gun really did look +a little rough only not more so than the public +deserved.</p> + + + <h3>V</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Well</span>, anyways, I was certainly up against +it with all them blanks still on my hands and no +way in sight of getting rid of them. And just +to make things nice and pleasant, what do I see +when I come on the stage that night but Ruby +Roselle and her pet lounge-lizzard which were +sitting in a box. She certainly seems to go in +for reptiles for pets. And no sooner did I get +off after my eighth curtain call, than around +she comes to my dressing room and hands me a +check for her stamps and for the ones she had +undertaken to sell and already had.</p> + +<p>"I suppose yours is all sold too!" says Ruby. +"You are so efficient, dearie!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, mine are all right!" I snapped. "Or +will be by this time to-morrow."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Why, ain't they gone?" she cooed. And +did I wish for my gun? I did! "Ain't you +give any of them cards out yet?" she says.</p> + +<p>"No!" I says. "But I will—I'll commence +with you, dear Miss Roselle," I says. "And +here you are"—and I filled out the receipt +cards which I had a few in my vanity case for +emergencies, and give them to her. When she +took them I noticed she had a awful funny look +in her eye, but at the time it meant nothing to +me. Alas! Would I had heeded it more—but +no—solid ivory! Solid ivory! I passed it up +completely. And Ruby grabbed the cards, +collected her new pet animal, and went away.</p> + +<p>Well, my state of mind that night was distinctly +poor, even after the nice little well-ballanced +war-ration of hot chocolate and corn +bread with brown sugar which Ma had for me +and delicious as anything you ever ate if she +did get the recipe out of a newspaper and they +so unreliable nowadays. But no letter from +Jim, and so after I had asked Ma if she +thought it was right to wear black, I went to +bed and fell into a exhausted sleep which +lasted well on toward the box-office man's +afternoon on, because Ma always lets me sleep +late when I have to dance twice.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> + +<p>Well, anyways, I was so rushed getting to +the theatre for the matinée that I hadn't no +time to try any of that sidewalk stuff, only I +did get a cheque from each of the other committee +members and told Ma to send them receipt +cards. And did I feel cheap? I <i>did!</i> +A flivver, that was what I had made. But +so long as Jim was surely dead by now, I didn't +care for myself. Only my promise to Mr. +Wilson made a lump in my throat while doing +my three hand-springs and the "Valse Superb," +which shows how bad I felt. And what +do you know, when I took my encore, there was +Ruby Roselle again, down in front and all +alone.</p> + +<p>This got about the last butt out of my goat +and I sent an usher to get her, but Ruby had +went before the usher had made up her mind +to undertake the mission. I was just about +wild all the way home, and the sight of Ma's +face when I got there almost made me cry it +was that sweet and friendly. Honest to Gawd +when Ma has got her own way about anything +she is just lovely to be with! And having +got the kitchen back and the grandest dish of +baked beans all full of molasses and salt pork +for dinner, she was feeling fine and I was the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> +same under her influence and even let her play +"Sing Me to Sleep" with the loud pedal on +Jim's souvenir afterwards and never said a +word to her about it, though suffering while I +listened. And then it was time to go back to +the theatre and I took Musette and that whole +box of gilt edged securities which seemed no +good to nobody, but I took them, and a good +yet bad thing I did, for on the way downtown +I decided what to do, and when I got there, +called the ushers and gave them instructions +and a little something else by way of promoting +kindly feelings. And then with beating +heart I beat it for the dressing room and commenced +rubbing on my make-up cream with +trembling fingers.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> +<p>Did you ever make one of them critical decisions +which you knew in your heart you was +actually going to carry it through and no +camouflage, even if it killed you and it very +likely to? Well, when I decided to make a +speech right out in public I got that feeling—do +you get me? And any Elk or other lodge +member which attends annual banquets will +know what I mean. Honest to Gawd I nearly +missed my cue, and after I finally got on the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> +stage the dance I did must of been either automatic +or a inspiration and I don't know why +they liked it out in front, but they did. All I +personally myself could hear was "Ladies and +Gentleman, I want to speak a word to you,"—You +know! And hand-springs in between! +Well of course when I come out for my first +encore I didn't have the wind to say nothing—But +my eyes was as good as ever and there in +a box was Ruby Roselle again!</p> + +<p>Believe you me—that was a jolt and a half! +Here she had come to give me the laugh I had +no doubt, and somehow after the second call +my wind was all of a sudden back good and +strong, and with it came my courage. For I +wouldn't of been downed by her, not for anything!</p> + +<p>So stepping foreward in a modest manner +I held up my hand and the house got quiet +and listened. As I have said, the show was at +the Spring Garden, and it's awful big and I +had never knew how full of silence it could be +until I heard the sound of my own voice all +alone in it. But after a minute I got used to +it, and so interested in trying to convince the +folks, that I didn't care.</p> + +<p>"Ladies and Gentlemen," I says. "This is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> +going to be a plain, good old-fashioned hold-up! +If you listen hard, maybe you'll hear the +screams of the women and children, and the +groans of the wounded pocket-books! Far be +it from me to do anything so unrefined as to +actually use a gun on you," I says, "but I'm +going to do the next thing to it. I'm going +to sell eleven thousand dollars worth of W.S.S. +right here and now, and you are going to buy +them. I know all of you has probably been +buying them all day and is sick of them, but I +have personally promised President Wilson to +do as much by to-night without fail and you +must help me make good. And no matter how +many you have bought," I says, "unless you +have a thousand dollars worth you can spend +another ten or so apiece. Now, as I say, I +know this is a hold-up, because it is meant to +be. And any public which can sit here in a +theatre and feel anoyed at having to buy a few +stamps when a million of our boys is over in +far-away, sort of unreal France, giving their +lives, had ought to have a machine gun turned +on them from this stage instead of a line of +talk! Probably this is the first time in the +history of finances that it has been necessary +to jolly a crowd into making a good investment.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> +If I was selling stock in a fake gold +mine," I says, "you would probably be climbing +on the stage to get it! Now will everybody +willing to take ten dollars worth kindly stand +up?"</p> + +<p>There was a few laughs, and a few people +got up here and there, sort of shamefaced.</p> + +<p>"Come on!" I says. "Come on—are you +all cripples? You over there—only ten dollars—save +it on next months grocery bill—all +right—save it on your auto bill!"</p> + +<p>A few more got up then, but not nearly +enough and I caught sight of Goldringer in +the wings by then and not having warned him +what I was going to do, I could tell by his expression +that I mustn't hold the stage too long +or a militaristic system would right away be +born in our theatre. So I got desperate.</p> + +<p>"No more!" I called. "Oh, come on get up! +Will I send for crutches, or are you only shy? +Remember, I got that money promised! Only +ten dollars each!"</p> + +<p>But no more stirred. For a minute I +thought my flivver was complete, and then I +got a idea. I went over and beckoned to +George, the orchestra leader, and shaking all +over at my own nerve, I whispered to him.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> +George grinned and passed along the whisper +to his crew, and in another minute that audience +was standing, every last one of them, and—believe +you me—the Star Spangled Banner +had never sounded so good to me before!</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, my pep all come back and I +jumped off the stage as I see the ushers +couldn't possibly handle the orders alone, and +wait or no wait, the way that audience took +my hold-up was something grand, it was that +good natured, although of course a Broadway +crowd gets sort of hardened to having their +money taken away from them roughly. They +was lambs, and took cards so fast I couldn't +have shuffled them good if it had been a game.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, when I finally got back to +my dressing-room and the trained animals had +come on at last—believe you me—I was all in, +but not a card left, and not alone eleven thousand +dollars but thirteen-fifty in actual cash! +I didn't worry none about having too much as +I never see a committee yet which couldn't use +more money than it had ast for, the White +Kittens always having a deficit. And then I +just put the boodle away safe in my tin make-up +box which I had emptied because it locked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> +good, and took me and Musette and it home +to Ma.</p> + +<p>Well, that was about all for that, and I had +a fine sleep that night after sending the President +a wire telling him I had the money all +right. And if only the censor had loosened +up, I would have been perfectly happy, with +all that cash in my little Burglar's Delight +over the mantle-piece and a good real energy-making +breakfast coming to me in the morning.</p> +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>But alas for false security, as the poet says. +No sooner had Ma and me ate breakfast next +morning than in came Musette and says there +are two gentlemen outside wants to see me. +Well, it seems they wouldn't give their names +so I says show them in for on account of Ma +always making us dress in real clothes for +breakfast Sundays, it was alright.</p> + +<p>Well, in come two gentlemen then, and it +was easy to see one was a cop. Why he didn't +have green whiskers or something I dont know +because the one citizen you can always spot is +a cop, and that tweed suit was no disguise, although +he seemed to think so. I got a awful +funny feeling in my stomach at this sight although +there was nothing on my mind but my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> +hair pins. The other was a gentleman and no +disguise about him, and I sort of took to him +right away and dropped my society-comedy +manner which is such a good weapon of defense +against strangers because I knew right +away he would see through it on account of him +being the real thing.</p> + +<p>"Miss LaTour?" he says politely.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I says, "what can I do for you?"</p> + +<p>"Alias Mary Gilligan?" says the cop, which +was right in character and hadn't ought to of +got Ma's goat like it done.</p> + +<p>"Alias nothing!" says Ma. "Gilligan is +her right name and you can see my marriage +certificate and the date is on it plain!"</p> + +<p>"Better leave this to me for a moment, +O'Rourke," says the nice gentleman, about +Pa's age, he must have been. Then he turns +to me while the cop took a back seat.</p> + +<p>"Miss LaTour," the gent. began, "I am +one of the local W.S.S. committee—Pioneer +Division—Pierson Langton is my name. And +I have come to see you concerning your sale +last night!"</p> + +<p>Well—believe you me—the minute I heard +his name I had him spotted! One of the F. F.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> +V's of N.Y. and I had often seen his name in +the paper with war-work and all.</p> + +<p>"Do sit down, both!" I says real cordial. +"I am so glad to see you! It's kind of you +to come, because of course I was going to bring +you the money the first thing in the morning! +Just wait till I get my make-up box!"</p> + +<p>And without giving him time to say another +word I hurried out and got it, the cop watching +me with his hand on his hip. When I +come back and give Mr. Langton the box and +key, he looked real surprised.</p> + +<p>"Twenty-five thousand cash!" I says. +"Would you mind counting it?" He give me +one of the funniest looks I ever had handed out, +but he done like I asked. Then he got up, box +under one arm, and bowed, and sat down again.</p> + +<p>"Miss LaTour," he said. "I think I win +a bet with our friend O'Rourke, here! I was +sure you were all right. Your reputation was +on the face of it too valuable for such an open +fraud. And your utter disingenuousness is +the final proof!"</p> + +<p>"Fraud! What do you mean?" I gasped.</p> + +<p>"There's been a complaint about your selling +W.S.S. without no authority!" says O'Rourke +at this. "Entered last night by Miss Ruby<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> +Roselle. We got your cards here, that she +handed in. But you ain't got no stamps! I +dont know but what we ought to make a arrest, +Mr. Langton!"</p> + +<p>"I will be obliged to you if you will let the +matter drop for the moment," says Mr. Langton. +"This young lady acted in good faith, I +am convinced. And now, Miss LaTour, perhaps +you will tell us how this all came about?"</p> + +<p>Well, did I tell him? I did! I never told +anything readier. And then I took out the +President's letter which I had it on me, and +told how I had writ to him at once, partially +because I couldn't read the other fellows name.</p> + +<p>"I accept the reproof," said Mr. Langton. +"I will get a rubber-stamp to-morrow!"</p> + +<p>Then his eyes twinkled at me in the nicest +way, and I twinkled back, and after that I +knew the cop hadn't a chance of running me in, +which was a big relief, for my hands felt like +a couple of clams, about then, I was so scared.</p> + +<p>"So you ain't mad?" I says to Mr. Langton.</p> + +<p>"Not a bit!" he says. "I think it can all +be straightened out. But of course you understand +that what you did was a trifle—er—irregular. +If you will come down to headquarters +to-morrow and meet the members of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> +our board, we will be glad to assist you in forming +a more regular organization."</p> + +<p>And I said I would, and then we all said +good-by real friendly, even the cop. And I +felt awful sort of excited and scared and glad +that Ruby had pulled that stuff, for if she +hadn't I might actually of gone to jail, I could +see that plain enough now! And so, to let off +a little steam when they had all gone I sat +down to my souvenir and started off "Over +There in Four Handed Arrangement." Then +just as I had got it going good, Ma, who was +reading the Sunday paper, gave a holler. I +turned around quick, and there her eyes was +popping out of her head and glued to the front +page.</p> + +<p>"Jim!" she shrieked. "My Gawd!"</p> + +<p>Well, how I reached that paper I don't +know, but somehow I did and there it was right +in the middle column.</p> + +<blockquote><p>"American Dancer Now An Ace. James +La Tour Brings Down Three Enemy +Planes In One Afternoon."</p></blockquote> + +<p>Oh, my heavens! Didn't I yell, just! And +me knocking the newspapers and the censor. +And all the time Jim had been merely too busy +to write!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + <h2>III</h2> + + <h2>HOLY SMOKES</h2> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3> I</h3> + +<p class="author"> +Palatial Apartments,<br /> +0256 Riverside Drive,<br /> +New York City,<br /> +U. S. A. America.</p> + +<p>(Kindly forward if on tower)<br /> +Passed by censor.<br /> +</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mary</span>:</p> + +<p>Well say little one, I am certainly glad +your health, new contracts and the two +fool dogs is both doing so nicely and as for the +cigarettes they were O.K. not to say swell. +Only dearie, it ain't hardly necessary to have +my monogram on the next lot for Fritz has +never waited for me to catch up to him so's I +could offer him one and he's about the only +person would be impressed by the J. La T. because +our own boys kid me about any little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> +thing like that on account of their knowing me +to be your dancing-partner and not to mention +husband and they are still slow to realize +that it takes a real he-man to swing you around +my neck twenty times like we do in the Tango +de Lux, and I have to continually keep showing +them.</p> + +<p>Then another good reason for no gold monogram +is that the price of same would cover +quite a bunch of cheap smokes and dearie handing +them about is more to me than my own personal +vanity and would be the same with my +shirts if necessary, while over here in distant +Belgium I realise it was also a waste to have +them embroidered on the sleeve because the +dam chinaman always used to mark them up +with monograms of his own anyways.</p> + +<p>Speaking of money we used to spend on un-essentials +before the war, I tell you dearie we +certainly learn in the army, especially since +getting into this recaptured territory, that +many objects we would have swore could not +be done without is laid off like the extra people +after the ball-room scene and nobody misses +them until somebody sends over one of them—like +them monogramed smokes of yours. Immediately +I got them I commenced to think<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> +about little old B'way and dry-martinis and my +little old roadster with the purple body and the +red wheels, and us dancing at the palatial with +the juice full on us, red and green, violet and +amber. Oh Kid! it made me home-sick!! But +then we got a order to start on cleaning up +after them Botches again and so I forgot +everything but you and my new step—which +was forward, double line!</p> + +<p>Well, sweetie, now about this smokes question. +Of course your Ma having been with +the circus is used to giving up things, as naturally +in a trapese-act such as hers used to be +she would need all the nerve she had and even +eating a welsh rabbit would of been a wild +party to her. The center ring is no joke and +forty feet above it on a trapese from the center +canvas less so. But trapese work has not +yet been offered to the Allies except mebbe +Itily on them mountains and any lady which +starts a society to keep smokes from soldiers +may be strong in morals but is surely weak in +the head, which I never knew your Ma to be +before. She being always not only a lady but +a great little picker on contracts and what +would we of done without her that time Goldringer +tried to slip the "satisfactory to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> +Goldringer Theatrical Productions Corp." +stuff over on us and she spotted it?</p> + +<p>But for the love of liberty can this idea of +hers about it not being good for the boys to +smoke and make her quit worrying about us +tearing around France learning no new sins. +For sweetie the crimes a man can committ on +whats left of his pay after the alotment is took +out and the insurance and the liberty bonds +instalments would be sanctioned by anybody +in the country even if his coller buttoned up the +back. For take it or leave it, liquor, ladies +and lyrics is as expensive here as north of 42nd +str., and our pay dont go for them even after +distracting the above.</p> + +<p>Why me and a fellow went off on leave to +a general store in a town which I couldn't spell +for you much less mention it, even if permitted. +But anyways we went to it and Mac +bought some winterweights and they was four-fifty +a pair and no better than the U.S. seventy-five +cent kind, and I got two pair socks a +dollar per each and two bananas for 25c, which +only goes to show everything here is terrible +expensive except nessessaties. So dont let your +Ma worry over me spending my remaining +nickel on vice.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> + +<p>I note what you say about the way folks at +home get your goat by passing the buck on +war-reliefs—if it's chocolet they say they've +just given to tobacco, if it's tobacco they just +bought a W.S.S., and if it's W.S.S. they +just got a hatful of bonds, or if it's bonds they +just give their last cent to chocolet—passing +the buck all along the line. Well dearie, I +guess mebbe that's their way of getting a little +war-relief of their own, but as you say why +would they need any relief when the fact that +they are for the most part without cooties ought +to be relief enough in itself? Let alone having +to dodge only taxi cabs and bill-collectors +instead of shells. Only of course we dont have +to do that now, only shell-holes, and dodge +them in a hurry to get one last look at the German +army before it puts on its good old soup +and fish—or whatever the German for civilized +clothing is, that is if they have any.</p> + +<p>But you are right girlie, to boost the smokes. +We'll need them for a long while yet. I know +you have been obliged to keep your own from +your Ma and what with not really caring for +peppermints it has been hard all these years. +But while her trapeese work stood alone in its +day and no one on Broadway is more respected<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> +at this writing and as a mother-in-law I have +no complaint on her outside of her wearing +my dress-pumps, this one time she is dead +wrong. Soldiers are not always acrobats and +they do need to smoke and your Ma will put +herself in the small-time reform class if she +dont look out. When I think of the stuff I +seen up and down Broadway and elsewhere in +my days which could be reformed and no one +miss it, I get hot when I hear this talk about +keeping the army pure. Take it or leave it, +but the truth is the Huns has kept us pure +alright—they sweat all the wickedness out of +us running after them.</p> + +<p>But to get back to the tobacco stuff. Dont +let nothing hinder you from bothering everybody +you see to send smokes. We'll use 'em +up never fear! And if you was to be walking +down the Avenue or mebbe Broadway sometime +and a box in your hand and asking for +Smoke Funds or something whichever way its +done—and your Ma was to fight her way +through the howling mob which would undoubtedly +be surrounding you on account of +course the best known parlor-dancing act in +America and the world wouldn't walk out looking +for funds and not draw a mob which was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> +only too glad to see you for five cents in the +smoke-fund-box instead of two dollars in the +box office—well, anyways, if your Ma was to +force her way through this mob which with her +weight she could do easily, why she would forgive +you in the end if not right there on the +street, and I believe that a hand-organ would +start and play hearts and flowers at that.</p> + +<p>Anyways, keep up the good work only never +mind the monograms as long as they taste like +tobacco and can be lit. And if you fall out +with Ma just tell her this story which I will +tell you and she will see mebbe God didn't +put tobacco in the world merely for little slum +children to pluck on their two weeks vacation +in all its green beauty.</p> + +<p>Well, the story is like this sweetie, and I will +write it as good as I can and if it seems comicle +go ahead and get a good laugh only take it +or leave it, it was no comedy at the time. But +if you was to news it around mebbe the folks +at home would start dropping something beside +coppers in them soda-fountain boxes you +was talking about, and commence trying to +squeeze a quarter through the slot now and +again. Come to think of it, the biggest thing +a copper penny can buy is the feeling a person<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> +gets from dropping one in a Belgium milk +bottle or home for crippled children or Merry +Xmas for the Salvation Army. You know +the cheap chest it gives you. Many a liberty +bond has been left in the Govts. hands by a +prospective buyer stumbling on a "drop a +penny" box in a cigar store on his way to the +cupon-cutters, or I miss my guess. I've done +the same in my day and the man who says he +aint raised his own stock with himself by giving +a nickle to the Newsboys Annual Outing is +as big a liar as the guy which says he never +loved another girl. And if pennies was to be +cut out of the currency a whole lot of cheap +philanthropists would have to make their conscience +work or fight.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways you go right on boosting the +smoke-fund and never mind Ma. She'll learn +different some day.</p> + +<p>Now about this story I was going to tell you. +First off leave me explain that the drinking +regulations over here is different to uniforms +than on the Rialto and America. I hunch it +that the managers and booking agents and so +forth in the U. S. Military Amusements Co. +inc. figure that a few of the rules have to be +let down while the big show is on. Same as the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> +stars can lean against a No Smoking sign on +the big time and roll a makin's quite openly. +So when on leave and even sometimes in the +dressing-room or I should say rest-billets a +bottle of wine is not out of order. Very different +sweetie, from the night Goldringer gave +me in my uniform the big send off at the Ritz +with all the newspaper bird and the leads and +everybody and me and you the only sober person +present, do you remember?</p> + +<p>Well, its no news to you to say that I havent +forgot I am a professional dancer and good +condition is my middle name for my future, not +to mention my present contract with Uncle +Sam and that a sober man is worth more to +both—also to you and myself.</p> + +<p>But the Allies dont look on liquor like we +do. As a matter of fact they seldom look on +what we would call liquor at all, hardly ever +getting a glympse of anything hard such as +rye, scotch or gin, and a cocktail being practically +a stranger and a repulsive one at that to +them. But wine is something different again. +Which while with us it is the high sign for a +big party and flowing only in extremely good +classes such as at the lobster layouts—leaving +aside dago spaghetti parlors when folks is resting—with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> +them it is a common matter and +everybody drinks it and while there aint much +kick to it, still it has it all over the water we +get and coming under their idea of necessities, +is low in price. Of course by wine I do not +mean champagne like we used to for publicity +purposes order for our dinner in public, but +stuff made out of common grapes, I guess, +and with the seltzer left out.</p> + +<p>Well, dearie, the reason I hand you all this +info. is that the story I am going to tell you got +started because of this wine. "In Venus Veritas" +you know or so they say, and I confess +that in trying to get a little kick out of the +stuff I got sort of lit and that's what caused +me the story.</p> + + +<h3> II</h3> + +<p>Well, we was sort of waiting off stage as you +might call it, in a little town in Belgium, our +act having just been on and a pretty lively one +it was and the Captain give us a pretty good +hand on it, although as you know the audience +didn't wait for the finish but left us their orchestra +seats or front line trenches which we +moved into and then give up to the next number<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> +on the bill and come back to watch from +the wings, or would of only we was a little +too far off.</p> + +<p>Well, the Capt. felt so good and the water +was so bad that he sent a delegation back for a +little liquid refreshment. They have big jugs +over here like the molasses is kept in at home +only here it is frankly boose and no one pretends +any different. And the game is this. +The one which volunteers for this dangerous +work, if broke himself, takes a swig or so out +of the jug he is bringing back which it dont +show on account of their not being transparent +and so the officer dont get any surprise until +toward the end of the jug and even so may +think he took more than he had thought. The +private will take only a little from each but if +there is jugs enough many a mickle makes +quite a jag.</p> + +<p>Well, me and a fellow named McFarland +and a French kid called Ceasare was each given +two of these molasses jugs which looked like +props, and was sent off to a village some place +in congnito for you couldn't pronounce it. +And we was glad enough to go because among +other things we was short of smokes. Some +cleaver actor had accidintly lit the last mess<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> +fire with a bale of Virginias and there wasnt +hardly a smoke among us.</p> + +<p>You just figure out how it would feel if +you was to have a bath and do your exercise and +eat a swell breakfast and then realise there +wasnt a pill in the house! Think sweetie, how +your brest would swell up with alarm, and the +royal fit you would throw while the elevator +boy was on his way to the corner drug store! +Why figure even the way you feel once you get +a cigarette in your face and then cant find a +match for two whole minutes. Well, take it +or leave it, I tell you that feeling is a whole lot +multiplied on the victorious fields of France +when little friend cigarette is notable by its +absence. A empty house on an opening night +is nothing to it. So you can see where me and +Ceasare and Mac was glad to get in the neighborhood +of one, leaving even all considerations +of the wine aside.</p> + +<p>Well, we started out carrying each two jugs +and as we went the fellow which acts as usher, +or sentry on the road hollers at us do we know +the way and Ceasare and him jabbered at each +other in French in the remarkable fluent way +they do over here. And Ceasare laughed and +when we asked what it was he said the guy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> +told him to look out Fritz didnt get us on the +open road, which was certainly some joke for +of course we hadn't been able to get near +enough to Fritz to hear him in some time. +So we laughed, too, for if any snipers had managed +to stay behind and opened up on us we +could of spotted them and wiped them out if +they had kept it up.</p> + +<p>Well sweetie, there wasnt any road exactly +toward the place we was bound for on account +of our having done considerable trespassing on +private property and taking little notice of +fences whether barbed-wire or civilian or shell-holes +or trenches but having went straight +ahead. And after the last 5 years on upper +Broadway you will realize it comes easy enough +to me, I often having come unharmed from the +Claridge to the Astor, and the French fields +has nothing on that crossing. So to me that +first part of the trip was as little or nothing +and I was the cheerfulist of the party though +we was all pretty cheerful and singing a little +song of Ceasare's which I dont know what it +means but I guess I'd better not write it in +for fear you would.</p> + +<p>Well, it was late afternoon and awful cold +for the time of year, and I was thinking that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> +at home the frost was on the pumpkin and the +pumpkin would soon be in the pie and the +turkey was about to get the axe and Halloween +was due and a lot of nice things like that. And +after a lot of kilomets had been covered, we +come to the funny little town which looked like +the back-drop to the opening seane in a musical +comedy only all shot to pieces like it had +been on the road with a No. 2 company for a +long and successful tower.</p> + +<p>Well, we come to it, anyhow, and being on +duty in a way as far as them jugs went—we +went with them and took what we could afford +our ownselves while we watched papa Ceasare +fill 'em up. Then the tobacco dept. claimed +our attention only to find there wasn't any!</p> + +<p>Well, sweetie, I have tried to put over the +way I felt at these glad tidings and the censor +wouldn't of stood for it, so out she goes! But +I felt that way all right and so did Mac and +Ceasare.</p> + +<p>"I'll no beleeve ut!" says Mack which he +talks a funny kind of way like Harry Lauder. +"I'll no beleeve ut—theer must be some someplace +aboot!"</p> + +<p>"Say la guyer!" says Ceasare and gives a +shrug, although he was a lot more disappointed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> +than Mac on account of Mac's really caring +more for liquor than smoke any day. "Say +la Guyer!" he says, and asks his pa why it happened +and his pa tells him and he translates it +to Mac and me.</p> + +<p>"He say a young lady have took it all only +hour ago for free to soldiers," he explains.</p> + +<p>And take it or leave it, but I was certainly +a little sore for although I am the first to believe +in the other fellow getting it, still this time +we all felt like the other fellow was us, and no +doubt she had took it to the nearest camp or +hut, and so I ast which way was it she went +for mebbe we would get some of it. And then +come a big surprise.</p> + +<p>"No 'ospitil here!" Ceasare explained again. +"An no 'ut! It ees too soon after we take it. +Then papa says she is first cross red lady we +have seen and she speak in French!"</p> + +<p>"Well, that's funny!" I says—and of course +dearie you understand this had been enemy +ground only a little before and that there was +a wine-shop going was a miricle and only for +it being Ceasare's papa we wouldn't of got +none, which is how he come to be along with us.</p> + +<p>Well, we all felt real sore and disappointed +but took it like a man for of course a red cross<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> +nurse would get it for the wounded and we had +our health.</p> + +<p>So papa give us all another round and we +took the big molasses jugs and started off. It +was getting toward twilight and pretty cold +and I will say it give me sort of sore feeling +towards the folks at home and blamed them +for letting me be without a cigarette and you +know how it is about two drinks makes me +a little sore at things and I began to cheer up +after the third and this was early in the evening.</p> + +<p>Not so Mac. He has a talent for drink. +Well, we had just about left the motion-picture +village behind us when he commenced +to sing and while I dont know what it was +about, I will put it down this time because you +wont know neither.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">"Fortune if thou'll but gie me still</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Hale Breeks, a scone, an' whisky gill,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An' rowth o' ryme to rave at will,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 5em;">Tak' a' the rest,</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">"An' deal 't about as they blind skill</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 5em;">Directss thee best."</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>Well, naturally we applauded which is +always safe when you don't understand a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> +thing, and it certainly was comical for Mac is +generally a quiet cuss and a tightwad as well. +Then I spoke up.</p> + +<p>"These jugs is too heavy!" I says. "Let's +lighten 'em up a bit."</p> + +<p>Well they thought so and we done it and +felt better and then I sang them:</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 5em;">"Give me your love</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 5em;">The sunshine of your eyes!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>And both Ceasare and Mac commenced to +cry. Mac set down his jugs and we done the +same and then Mac done the most generous +thing I ever seen a Scotchman do even in +liquor. He reached inside his bonnett and +took out three cigarettes, shook the bonnett to +show they was actually the last, and give us +each one and one to himself.</p> + +<p>Well, we all sat down on a old motor chassis +or what was left of it, and burned them smokes +like insense, not speaking a word! But putting +that red cross lady which had been ahead +of us out of our minds and thinking only of +how we was going to give Mac our next +packages from home when they come, and he +mebbe thinking of how he was going to get<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> +them. And then we all made our jugs a +little lighter and by this time it was pretty +dark and we commenced to hurry back. Before +we had went very far we had to hesitate +about which way. Because sweetie, take it or +leave it, what you write about getting lost in +the new subway has nothing on finding your +way about after dark by yourself in this part +of the world.</p> + +<p>Well, Mac was sure we come one way and +I was sure we come another and Ceasare he had +a different hunch from either of us. So we all +took another little drink as it was getting +mighty cold by now, and in the end we started +off Ceasare's way because why wouldnt he +know best which way was right and him born +and raised right there on the farm? We +trusted to his judgment just like him and Mac +would of trusted me to tell the taxi-driver +where to go from Keens.</p> + +<p>So we went like he said, but somehow we +didn't seem to get no place in particular although +we kept on going for a long time: I +couldn't say how long, but it seemed like a +Battery to Harlem job to me only by now I +loved everybody but Fritz and a sort of fog +had come up or so I thought, and we was all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> +singing, each our own sweet songs but at the +same time.</p> + +<p>"Lets throw away a few of these jugs," I +remember saying—and really there was so little +in some of them it wasn't worth carrying +back so we just finished them off and threw +them away and then we come upon a little path—or it felt like it.</p> + +<p>"Allou!" shouted Ceasare, "we are almost +there!" and with that we sure got the surprise +of our lifes, for rat-tat-tat-tat-tat come a sputter +of machine gun fire right at us.</p> + + +<h3> III</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> first we was very much jolted by this +though unhurt, and then we commenced to +think it was a joke. Here we was going in +behind our own lines and being fired upon.</p> + +<p>"Shut up, ye dam fools!" Mac hollered. +"Can ye no recognize yer own people?"</p> + +<p>Then Ceasare yelled in French, but they +paid no attention to us. <i>Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!</i> +it come again, and this time it made me real +mad. I figured that if they didn't quit their +nonsense somebody was liable to get hurt. So +I saved what was left in my last jug, threw<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> +the thing away, and told Ceasare and Mac to +come on and leave us beat up the poor boobs +with the nasty sense of humor and show them +where they got off. Well, Mac and him +thought this was a good idea so they done like +I done and we ran up the little hill which we +could see our way pretty good in spite of the +dark because they never let up on us but kept +right on spitting fire. Well, we got very mad +by this time and to tell the truth I can't very +well recall just what did happen only when +we got to the gun the boys was German!</p> + +<p>Well, take it or leave it, I aint had a jolt +like that since the night Goldringer raised +our salary of his own accord after we put on +the La Tour Trot. And I only wisht I could +remember more about what happened. But +for quite a few minutes I was terrible busy; +and I guess I better admit I was tight—awful +tight. Of course there was five of them and +only three of us, and equally of course we +licked them badly and took only one prisoner +but not being anything for a lady to read I +will not give particulars and anyways I dont +remember any. Of course it was one of them +few remaining nest of hornets which we had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> +joked about, but really hadn't believed was +there.</p> + +<p>Well, when it was all over but the cheering +and we was sure these birds had been all by +their lonesome, we was pretty well sobered +and hot and everything. And the first thing +we done was take a look around in a few +places for tobacco. And take it or leave it—we +didn't find any! Not a smoke among the +lot! Watter you know about that?</p> + +<p>But one good thing we got out of the scrap +was our senses back and it was easy enough to +spot about where our own lines would be. So +after we figured it out, and taking Fritz, the +one prisoner, along, we commenced to start off +that way and you can bet the poor boob was +glad to go with us. You would of thought he +had wanted to be with us all the time. Just like +after a election at home. Cant find anybody +who didnt vote the winning ticket. Which +joke you may not understand, sweetie, being a +lady, and I will not now stop to explain.</p> + +<p>Well, we started back alright and as we +come, I got the story which I want to tell +you which commenced really when we come to +that old barn. Only I had to explain how we +come to be there or you wouldnt get the idea<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> +of what I am driving at for you to make your +Ma understand.</p> + +<p>Ever since I fell out of my airplane and was +in the hospital and reenlisted the only place +they'd take me back was in the infantry, I done +a lot of thinking—and some of it stuff which +might mebbe sound awful queer coming from +me, especially after some of the language I +have been known to use in my day, and while +I hope I aint become mushy, I certainly do +believe there is more to religion and such +things than we have thought. Take it or +leave it, mighty few fellows have lived through +this war, far less fought through it, without +getting religion of some kind out of it. I wonder +can you get me? And make Ma get it too. +So I'll tell what happened and you see if miricles +is over yet or not for this is a true fact and +not a story somebody told me.</p> + +<p>Well, after we cleaned up that machine gun +nest and had a cute little live German prisoner +of our very own, we took him down the hill with +us the best way we could in the dark and it full +of holes and what not. There wasn't a bit of +light—no moon nor stars nor nothing, and a +wet sort of smell that made us wish for a smoke +the way hardly nothing else is ever wished for,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> +except mebbe a motion-picture salary or a +drink of water after a big night—not on the +desert.</p> + +<p>Well we got on pretty good because we was +nearly sober now and Ceasare he knew where +we was going, and this time he really did, and +so we kept up pretty good. It commenced to +rain a little and the big drops felt awful nice +against my cheeks which was burning hot. +Made me think of when I was a kid back in +Topeka and digging out to school and a pair +of red mittens I had which my mother had +made them—good knitting and well made like +the sweater I had on that very minute which +she also knit. And I thought of me and you +and our snow-scene when we done that dance +on the Small Time with the sleighbells on our +heels—remember dear? Before we had really +made good except with each other? And I +thought about love too and a lot of fool stuff +like that. And then I heard a funny sound +for thereabouts. It was a woman moaning +and crying.</p> + +<p>Well, at first I thought mebbe I was crazy +or imagined it, but Mac who was walking in +front with our own little Fritz stopped short +and so did Fritz and listened. It come again<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>—the +most dismal thing you ever want to hear. +I turned to Ceasare and he had heard it.</p> + +<p>"Say drool," he says, which means "Its +funny" only it wasnt and he didnt mean it that +way, but the other way. You know.</p> + +<p>"It sure is!" I says. "There she goes again!"</p> + +<p>"I think theers a wee bit housie over theere!" +says Mac.</p> + +<p>"It is the barn of my cousin's uncle," says +Ceasare. "We better go look."</p> + +<p>So with that we started across the road to +where sure enough was a funny little barn—stone +with a grass roof—peculiar to these +parts, I guess. The nearer we got the louder +the noise was, but no words to it, only sobbing +very low and despairing and sort of sick—and +a female—no doubt of it. There wasn't any +light nor anybody moving about as far as we +could tell.</p> + +<p>"Gee! What'll we do?" I says in a whisper. +"We can't pass it up!"</p> + +<p>"Naw—we mun tak' a look inside!" whispers +Mac.</p> + +<p>"Certinmount," says Ceasare; "Mais—be +careful! We put the Boch in first and see if +some trick is up!"</p> + +<p>It being Ceasare's cousin's uncle's barn he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> +knew where the door was, and the three of us +shoved Fritz up to it and made him understand +he was to open it and go in ahead of the +crew. We finally got it over with signs and +shoves, because the bird didnt speak nothing +but German and we hadnt a word of it among +us. But still we made him do it and he did, +and we pulled our guns and stood close behind +and I stood closest and pulled not alone my +gun but the little electric flashlight you sent me +which I flashed in as quick as the door was +opened.</p> + + +<h3> IV</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">And</span> take it or leave it—there was a woman +with a baby in her arms! She was rather a +young round-faced woman and that kid was +awfully little and held close under a big dark +cloak the woman wore. The poor soul looked +tired out and she had no hat and her hair was +all down. The inside of the barn was a wreck +and the rain was coming in through a big shellhole +in the roof. She was all alone, we at once +got that, and at sight of the German uniform +which was all she seen at first, she give a shriek +of joy and got up onto her feet.</p> + +<p>"Got si danke!" she cried. "Ich habe——"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p> + +<p>Then she seen the rest of us and shrunk back, +covering the kid with her cloak. Fritz said +something to her—quite a lot in a hurry, and +evidently told her he was a prisoner, and now +that she had spilled the beans, so was she. And +of course even under the circumstances, she +was. But take it or leave it, I certainly did +feel queer when I went up to that lady with the +little baby in that barn. For German or no +German the situation was—well—it certainly +got my goat. I took off my hat and made a +bow.</p> + +<p>"Lady," I commenced, "have no fear. Don't +let us throw no scare into you. We ain't Huns—that +is, I beg your pardon, but what I mean +is you are perfectly safe and we will take care +of you."</p> + +<p>Well, the way she looked at me would of +wrung a heart of stone. Her eyes was blue +and she just stared at me as if I had hurt her—which of course was far from any mind +there.</p> + +<p>"Don't be scared," I says again. "You and +the baby will get good care. Just come with +us if you are able!"</p> + +<p>When I spoke of the kid she give the poor +little smothered thing a quick look and drew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> +her cloak around it closer. Gee! but she looked +fierce! She had quit crying but not a word +out of her!</p> + +<p>"You try!" I says to Ceasare. "The poor +thing mebbe understands French."</p> + +<p>So Ceasare, who was as much shot to pieces +at the sight as I was, come forward.</p> + +<p>"Madame!" says he, bowing with his cap in +his hand. Then he shoots a lot of French +about restes, au succuoor, and stuff I know +meant "cut the worry." But she didnt get it +any better than she had my line of talk, and +only kept on looking scared.</p> + +<p>Well by this time Mac come out of his stupor; +but there was no use trying Scotch on +her, that was plain. So there was nothing to +it except forward march. For one thing my +torch wouldnt of lasted much longer and for +another it sure was getting late.</p> + +<p>"Does your cousin's uncle which owns the +barn have a house anywheres near, where we +could leave her?" I asked Ceasare.</p> + +<p>"All dead in this town!" he says cheerfully. +"And this is the only building left I think it!"</p> + +<p>"Then there's nothing to do but take her +along to headquarters," I says, and off we +started, she not saying a word.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p> + +<p>That was some trip! I want to tell you +sweetie it was the worst part of the whole war +to me. You know I got a heart and I felt +just fierce for that poor little German mother. +All the way in, while we was helping her along +I kept wishing I knew how on earth she come +to get in that place. She seemed real feeble +at times and we lifted her across the worst +places. I tried to get her to let me carry the +baby, but she held on to it like grim death and +wouldnt leave any of us touch it—and it was +so quiet I commenced to get scared.</p> + +<p>"More than likely its dead!" I whispered to +Ceasare and he thought so too.</p> + +<p>Before we got in, we had carried her almost +a mile, taking turns with her on our crossed +hands, and the odd feller guarding our Hun. +And then we came to the end of about the very +worst and longest hike I ever took including +the time the Queen of the Island Company +got stranded in New Rochelle. The sentry +across that mud hole of a slushy road was the +welcomest sight in the world.</p> + +<p>"Wot the 'ell yer got?" he says when he +recognized us.</p> + +<p>"One Gentleman Hun prisoner and one lady +ditto in very bad shape!" I says.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Wot the 'ell!" he says again. And then +he passed us and we reported.</p> + +<p>Say sweetie, take it or leave it, but I had +honest clean forgot all about that wine which +we had been sent for in the first place. I tell +you I was so worried about that poor woman! +And it was not until the five of us was standing +in Capt. Haskell's quarters with the light +from his ceiling glaring at us and him also +glaring from behind his mustache, that I even +commenced to remember it. But I had to report +so I reported for the bunch of us and in +strict detail as good as I could remember. All +this while the woman sat in a chair, her face +like a stone, and my heart just aching for her.</p> + +<p>Well, when I got through taking the most +nervous curtin-call of my life—and take it or +leave it, if the German army would ever of +been as nervous as I was then, the war would +of ended that minute. Capt. Haskell beckoned +to the lady.</p> + +<p>"Come here, please!" he says very kind. +"And let me see the baby!"</p> + +<p>She got up and went over very softly. Then +she stood in front of him and commenced to +laugh and laugh.</p> + +<p>"Pigs of Americans!" she said. "Fools to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> +carry me! That's not a baby—its twenty cartons +of cigarettes!"</p> + +<p>Then she threw back her cloak and under it +there she was dressed in Red Cross uniform.</p> + +<p>"I disguised myself and went to the village!" +she went on in perfectly good English. +"And I bought all the tobacco there.</p> + +<p>"On my way back to my own lines I was +fool enough to lose my way and to cry over +it! That is all!"</p> + +<p>And its enough, aint it dear? For you do +get me, dont you? Them twenty cartons of +cigarettes was a miricle to us and the one we +needed the most of any right at that moment. +Eh, what? as the English say. And her taking +such a chance to get them for Fritz shows +how bad off the German army must be, don't +it? And so tell this to your Ma and get her +to quit that foolish anti-smoke society she's +forming—because its the bunk—and I am ever +your loving life and dancing partner,</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Jim</span>.</p> + +<p>P. S. Just got your letter. That certainly +is a good one on Ma. Smoking a pipe! And +if you hadnt opened the door so sudden you'd +never in this world of caught her. And if she +does claim her grandmother did it too, all you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> +got to say is so did many a soldier's grandmother.</p> + +<p>P. S. No. 2. I forgot to say that a French +General has given us a kiss on both cheeks and +a medel for that job. And its the first time +I ever got anything but a headache by going +on a party.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<h2> IV</h2> + +<h3> ANYTHING ONCE</h3> + + +<h3> I</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Aint</span> it funny the things that comes into a +person's head when they are rubbing cold +cream onto their nose? All sorts of stuff, +some of it good sense and some of it the bunk. +But most of it pretty near O.K. If some one +was to take down the ideas I get at such a sacred +hour, I'd be out of the dancing game and +into the highbrow class just as quick as the +printer got through his job.</p> + +<p>It sure is a time when a woman's true +thoughts come to the surface along with the +dust and last night's make-up, and many a big +resolve has been made owing to that cleanly +habit. Wasn't there some wise bird made up +a quotation about cleanliness being next to +God knows what? Well, believe you me, its +the truth, for once a woman starts in with the +cold cream all alone,—and she sure does it at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> +no other time—there is no telling what will +come of it beside a clean pink face.</p> + +<p>With me personally myself, thats where +most of my ideas about life come from—right +out of the cold cream tube! And while indulging +in this well known womanly occupation +the other evening I commenced thinking +about rest and how important it is for us +Americans—and of the way we go after it—like +it was something we had to catch and catch +quick or it would get away from us. Do you +get me? If not, leave me tell you what a +friend of mine, which has just been mustard +out of the service says to me, when I was +checking up his experiences abroad while he +was checking up what the waiter had put down.</p> + +<p>"My idea of rest?" he says. "Why taking +Belleau Woods after three restless weeks in +the trenches," he says.</p> + +<p>Which sort of puts the nut in the shell, as +the saying is. And also at the same time reminds +me of the rest I just recently took.</p> + +<p>Not that I generally need one any more +than any other thoroughly successful star, for +heavens knows the best known parlor dancing +act in the world and Broadway, which mine undoubtedly +is, dont need to rest because the managers<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> +theirselves always come after me and +resting I leave to the booking-agency hounds. +But this time it was bonea fido, and come about +in a sort of odd way.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> +<p>To commence at the start it begun with me +falling for the movies, which Gawd knows I +only done it for the money, their being no art +in it, and they having hounded me into them +for a special fillum. And of course many well +known girls like Mary Garden and Nazimova +go into pictures and even myself, but its simply +because of being hounded, as I say. But +once in you earn your money, believe you me, +and I have stood around waiting for the sun +like Moses, or whoever it was, until my feet +nearly froze to the pallasades before jumping +off, only of course it was a dummy they threw +after I had made the original motions of the +leap to death. And the worst part is once +you are signed up on one of these "payment +to be made wheather the party of the first part +(thats me) is working or not" you got to do +like they say, and a whole lot of the "not working" +means plain standing around waiting for +the director or the camera-man or the rain to +quit, and what us public favorites suffers when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> +on the job is enough to make the photographor's +Favorite of Grainger, Wyo., abandon +the career she might of had in favour of domestic +service or something like that where +she'd get a little time to herself.</p> + +<p>Well anyways my judgment having slipped +to the extent of having signed my sense of humor +away for six months at twenty-two hundred +a week, I was in the very middle of a +fillum called the Bridge to Berlin when one +day, just as a big brute of a German officer +by the name of O'Flarety had me by the throat +in a French chateau, the studio manager comes +in and says the armistice is signed and the war +is over, and we was to quit as who would release +a war fillum now and we was to start on +something entirely different, only he didn't +know what the hell it was to be and here was +eight thousand feet wasted—and believe you +me I was sore myself for we had shot that +strangling sceene six times by then and my +marcelle wave was completely ruined by it, and +I would of liked to of had something to show +for it.</p> + +<p>But anyways, orders was to quit and so me +and Ma and the two fool dogs and Musette +left the wilds of Jersey and after a stormy voyage<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> +across the Hudson come safely home to +our modest little apartment on the drive, there +to not work at 22 hundred a week until Goldringer +got the studio manager to get the scenario +editor to get me a new story, which at +the price was not of long duration for while +Gawd knows they dont care how long a person +stands around waiting to be shot, they just +naturally hate to pay you for doing the same +thing at home in comfort.</p> + +<p>Well anyways the bunk that scenario editor +picked out was something fierce. I wouldn't +of been screened dead in it. But it just happened +I had a idea for a scenario myself, which +come about through somebody having give me +a book for Christmas and one night, the boy +having forgot to bring the papers, I read it. +And was it a cute book? It was! I had a +real good cry over it, and while it wasn't exactly +a book for a dancer, I could see that there +was good stuff in it. So finally me and Ma +stopped into Goldringer's office after he had +twice telephoned for me and handed him a little +surprise along with the volume.</p> + +<p>"I got a idea for a picture, Al," I says, "and +here's the book of it."</p> + +<p>"Well Miss La Tour, what's the name of it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> +and idea?" says he, chewing on his cigar strong +and not even looking at the book but throwing +it to the stenographer, which is a general rule +always in the picture game and one reason we +don't see such a crowd of swell fillums.</p> + +<p>"The name is Oliver Twist," I says. "It's a +juvinile lead the way it stands, but I want it +fixed up a little, with me as Olivette Twist—the +editor can fix it so's that will be all right. +It's really a swell part. I could wear boy's +clothes some of the time."</p> + +<p>"Huh! Olivette Twist," says Goldringer, +taking back the book and looking at the cover +of it. "Always thought it was a breakfast +food! But if you say its O.K. we'd better get +it. Where is this feller Dickens? We'll wire +him for the rights. Friend of yours?"</p> + +<p>You see, if anybody brings scenarios personally, +a star in particular, it's generally a +friends.</p> + +<p>"No," I says. "It was sent me by Jim +along with a letter which shows the bird is well +known," I says. "And is in Westminister +Abby, London, England, which Jim says +proves his class.</p> + +<p>"Must be a swell apartment," says Goldringer. +"All right we'll send a cable to him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> +and see if the picture rights is gone or not. If +the boy is so well known he may stick out for +a big price. This is Thursday. We may hear +from him by Monday or Tuesday, and we'll +get a scenario ready anyways so's we can begin +to shoot not later than a week from to-day. +Until then," he says, "run along and amuse +yourself and dont do anything I wouldnt."</p> + +<p>Well, me and Ma was shown out then and +down on Broadway Ma see some salt-water +taffy in a drug-store and wanted to go in and +by it which I had to prevent because outside +of Ma being in no need of nourishment, she +weighing considerable over the heavy-weight +requirements already and Gawd knows if she +was to have went back into the circus it would +no longer be on the trapeese and a certain party +in the side-show would have a strong competitor +for her job and it wouldn't be the human +skeleton either. But leaving off the consideration +how would it look for us to go up the +Ave. in my new wine-colored limousine which +I earned myself and no one can say different +with truth—and eating stuff like that out of +a folded paper box? Ma certainly has my +health well in hand and heart and its seldom +we quarrel over any little thing, but she certainly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> +has no class instinct, or instinct for class—do +you get me? And when I try to make +her see that them little refinements is what +makes me the big success I am, she sometimes +kicks and if its hunger, its got to be met immediately +if not one way, why then another. +So in lieu, as the poet says, of the taffy I had +to take her to the Ritz and watch her put away +6 vanillia eclairs at two bits each and a quart +of cocoa, not that I begrudge the money, only +believe you me the way all hotels charge nowadays +is rapidly making Bolshivik out of even +we capatalists. Do you get me? You do! +But of course in my line you got to keep before +the public in the right way.</p> + +<p>Well anyways Ma complained over the loss +of that taffy the whole way through the six +eclairs, which it was certainly a little hard on +me to have to sit there and watch her while for +professional reasons eating only one of these +tomato surprises which never surprise but the +once, on my figures account, and certainly its +a fact that the two of us was doing the next +best thing to what we wanted instead of the +thing itself which is one of the prices of success. +So, as is also often the case at such +times, I was a little mean to Ma on account<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> +of having been mean already—do you get me?</p> + +<p>"Mamma," I says. "You certainly are getting +heavier. It's a crime for you to wear +these narrow skirts!"</p> + +<p>Ma give me a searching look the same as used +to lead up to caster oil when I was a kid, and +then took the half of a eclair at one bit before +replying.</p> + +<p>"Now Mary Gilligan you needn't take out +your artistic temperament or any other ailment +on me!" she says as firmly as the eclair would +permit. "Just because Jim is in France yet, +and your moleskin dolman was a failure and +you aint been occupied daily for a week or +more, and slipped up on doing your setting up +exercises this morning which I wouldnt of +mentioned only you started it," she says. "Its +no excuse for picking on me," she says. "What +if I am a little plump? My Gawd aint I +earned the right to be? What with three kids +and your Pa to bring up and the center trapeese +in the circus right through it all except +when absolutely necessary? You dont know +what a woman <i>can</i> go through!"</p> + +<p>"Dont I, just!" I snapped for my Gawd aint +it the truth every woman has the very worst +troubles that any woman ever had? And she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> +sure gets sore when another woman sets up to +go them one better!</p> + +<p>"No you don't!" retorts Ma with that maddening +air of being older than me which she +uses to squelch me every time she cant get me +any other way. "No you dont!" she says. +"You never brought up three kids without a +nurse girl while on the trapeese—you never +brought up a thing but two fool dogs and you +even leave them to the carelessness of a personal +maid," she says. "Poor dears, Gawd +knows what will become of their little canine +minds and morals!"</p> + +<p>"Now Ma!" I begged, because she aughter +know that is a sore point with me and not intention, +and she had me on the raw.</p> + +<p>"Well then!" she says. "You got a swell +job and no troubles only mabe a sluggish liver +and you aint the only woman in America which +Gen. Pershing cant yet spare the husband of," +she says. "And mabe I do need to reduce a +little," which was her way of apologizing. +And just as this lull occurred who should come +into sight but Maison Rosabelle, her which runs +the shop where myself and all the most chic +professionals gets their clothes. She was all +dressed up like a plush horse with real sables,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> +part of which must of come off them simple +refined little gowns I had made for the Bridge +to Berlin that was ruined by the armistice. Her +hair had just been rehennered and her face was +as fresh as a tea-rose straight from the fragrent +facial massage. She smiled and sailed down +on the two of us which we welcomed with the +usual relief of a family quarreling when neither +sees the way to win out and have got to go on +living together. In other words she automatically +buried the hatchet for us, as the +school books say.</p> + +<p>"So pleased to of run into you, dearies!" +she says. "For I'm goin' to Atlantic City to-morrow +for a little rest."</p> + +<p>No sooner was them words out from between +her lip-rouge than I see a vision of salt-water +taffy arising in Ma's eyes. Believe you me +Ma is certainly hard to pry loose from anything +she has once set her mind on! And +Maison had to continue in that cordial manner.</p> + +<p>"Why dont you run down for a few days?" +she says. "It'll do you good. You're looking +kinda pulled down Mrs. Gilligan!" she +says—and of course Ma fell for that.</p> + +<p>"I do feel a little low!" she says, finishing +off her cocoa. "And Mary—Marie here is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> +waiting until they get a answer to a cable which +was sent to England by the studio. I understand +we may have quite a wait, so I really +believe we might go along."</p> + + +<h3> II</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Now</span> as I looked at Ma it come over me that +mabe she had the right dope. When people +that live together, especially if not friends, but +relations, commence to get a little on each others +nerves, going away on a trip is good for +what ails them. The only trouble is that in +the case of females they generally go together. +Still, with the whole bunch of new and different +stuff it gives them to fight over—R.R. +tickets, and who wired for these horrid rooms, +and I told you to bring a heavier coat, and +etc., they generally get straightened out quite +a lot. Even the idea of going along with +Maison didnt worry me then, I having been +on tower many a time when the No. 1 Company +went out and Ma the same for years, and we +generally speak, even to the publicity man, no +matter if we have made Rochester, Buffalo and +Chicago in a quick jump playing matinées as +well. So I am without the wholesome and well<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> +founded fear of taking a pleasure-trip with +friends which is the bitter fruit of most persons +experience of the same. Besides, I sort +of like Maison, which of course her real name +is Maisie Brady, and her funny little husband, +which is also still in France, she not being dependant +any more than myself nor would she +hold him back from serving his country only +I dont hardly believe she urged him to go for +quite the patriotic reasons I did, he having been +a traveling man and so when he retired on her +income she didnt feel as natural and affectionate +and homelike and all that as when he was +away most of the time. But at any rate I and +she were both war-widows and old friends from +the time her mother was lady-lion tamer and +mine on the trapeese, and so in spite of the +bills she charges me she has more refinement +than most people and so I says all right, we'll +go to Atlantic City and we'll be on the one +twenty train to-morrow.</p> + +<p>"Thats sweet, dearie!" says Maison. +"We'll get a swell rest!"</p> + +<p>Then she set sail and was off with a Jewish +gentleman friend, which had been waiting at +the entrance all this time with a gardenia in +his buttonhole. And Ma and me called for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> +the check and dogs and limousine and hitched +our way homeward through the traffic to our +quiet little apartment with 7 windows with +the beautiful outlook of the river and the R.R. +tracks and etc.</p> + +<p>Then while Musette packed only three +trunks and my gold-fitted dressing case and +a couple of hat boxes and my specially designed +jewellery box and the travelling hamper for +the dogs, we having decided to travel light and +probably not stay over three or four days, Ma +went into the all-tiled kitchen and commenced +getting up a little smack of cold beef and potato +salad and fried cheese sandwiches and +coffee and a few hot biscuits and honey so's we +wouldn't have to go out and eat, which Ma +certainly loves to do and no cook ever stands +it for more than a week and the current cook's +week was up that morning before we went +downtown.</p> + +<p>Well anyway while she was doing this I went +into the drawing-room which is all fitted up +in handsome gold furniture—that the dealer +said was one of the Louis periods. Louis Cohen +I guess,—I never remember quite. And +to put a record on the phonograph in the case +I had especially built in the same style at fifty<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> +dollars extra and all the instalments paid, and +streached out as good as I could manage to on +the chaise loung, which is a sort of housebroken +steamer-chair, and while John Macormik's +own voice sang my little grey home in the +west to me in the privacy of my own home, I +thought dreamingly about Jim and how much I +was missing him and how swell we danced together +and how kind and loving and brave he +was and how refined, and believe me he's about +the only theatrical male that don't murder a +dress suit, and how horrible it was to be seperated +from him after being married only two +weeks and what fools we was to have danced together +in every first-class theatre in America +and only got married so recent, for if only +we'd been married sooner mabe the pain of seperation +wouldnt of been so great by now. Who +knows? And believe you me it was some pain, +and I had myself crying before I knew it. For +I sure am stuck on that poor simp and my only +war-work aint been done on the screene, Gawd +knows, when I give him up to whatever the +Allies was fighting for, which if it dont turn +out to be as represented, believe you me, myself +and a whole lot of other girls is going to +want to know why!!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p> + +<p>Well anyways, before Ma had the biscuits +baked and I had run jada jada and sing me +to sleep, I was wild to get away to the pure +country ocean air and some healthy outdoor +exercise which would help me forget my loneliness. +And a lot of quiet and rest and sleep, +with the ocean pounding me to the pillow and +all that.</p> + +<p>I had only a sort of twenty minute small +time sketch of a idea of what Atlantic City +was like on account of me having been there +for openings only and getting in at four forty +five with the show beginning at eight fifteen +and the washup you need after the trip and +Ma always insisting on me doing a twenty +minute practice in my room and underwear before +every opening which is perfectly correct +and one of the principal things which has made +my handsprings what they are, and getting +dinner far enough in advance to do the hand-springs +in time. I knew little nor nothing of +what Jim calls the Coney Island that went to +finishing school except that there is swimming +and horseback riding and a boardwalk that +any one without French heels to catch in the +cracks can have a elegant walk on. What little +sniff of air I had outside the theatre and my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> +bedroom at the hotel give me a appatite for +more, which up to now I never had the opportunity +to get because of always being with a +high-class show that went right back to N.Y. +Sunday to open on Broadway. But now I was +going like a regular American lady citizen to +rest and get full of health and do as the regular +resorters did. And I was glad. I was so +anxious to keep myself in a pure atmosphere +for Jim's sake and the studio wasn't exactly the +farm—do you get me? You do! And a rest +in the country was the very thing. I got quite +excited thinking about it; dried my tears, +stopped the phonograph and made sure that +Musette put in my riding suit, bathing ditto, +and walking boots. And when this was done +I felt better already as the saying is, and fully +able to take some of the nourishment Ma had +got up.</p> + +<p>The minute we set down to the table I see +that she had also been making good resolutions +and waited till she got ready to confess. +It come after the seventh tea-biscuit and honey. +On her part I mean, I only taking coldmeat +and salad and things I dont like much, for +reasons before stated.</p> + +<p>"Mary Gilligan!" she says. "I believe I'm<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> +getting heavier," she says, just as if it occurred +to her for the first time. "And I have decided +that while I am away to Atlantic City I wont +eat to amount to anything and reduce in other +ways the whole time I'm there!"</p> + +<p>"You dont say," I says, without batting an +eye. "Do you really think you need to?"</p> + +<p>"I do!" she says. "This is my last real meal. +And you needn't try to persuade me out of it."</p> + +<p>I didn't. And next morning right after +breakfast we caught the one twenty, hats, dogs, +Musette, and all, and met up with Maison +Rosabelle, which was dressed in a simple little +trotters costume of chiffon and ermine which +looked like it had been made in Babylon. I +mean B.C. not L.I. And with her was a little +surprise in the way of the same Jewish gentleman, +Mr. Freddy Mayer, with another gardenia +on him and a fine line of plausable explinations.</p> + +<p>"Aint it a co-co-strange, Freddy just happens +to be going our way!" cooed Maisie with +all the innocence of a N.Y. livery-stable pidgeon.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I'm taking a special offering of champagne +to a special friend in the hotel business +there," says Mr. Freddy. "And with three<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> +such beautiful lady companions its no hardship +to leave Manhattan behind nor the +Bronx," says he gaily. "Altho when we come +back we may find the Aldermen has decided +to change both names after July first," says +the humorous dog.</p> + +<p>"Will you please kindly open this window a +little?" I intrupped him. "The air in here +aint so good as it was."</p> + +<p>I dont know did this get over, but believe +you me I didn't care for that well washed +young wine-seller at all, nor for his company. +And it was a relief when he done as I asked +and him and Maison found their seats was at +the other end of the car. In a way I can understand +her liking traveling-men but not up +to the point of traveling with one, even by semi-accident. +And so opening the Motion Picture +Gazette to look at the double-page spread of +myself "Who has at length been lured by the +artistic possibilities of the picture world," and +keeping a eye on Ma to see would she stop the +candy-boy, settled down to the soothing sound +of Maison's laugh, and begun my quiet little +trip to Healthland.</p> + +<p>There is a large variaty of ladies which have +husbands still in the army, but believe you me<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> +they certainly got one thing in common, or +else no looks at all. And that is, the temptation +to take up with other company to some +degree. Because of course while the war was +holding the stage a husband's absence could be +stood, but what with this peace-hyphen in the +fighting and everything, you cant help but +commence wondering what kind of a girl is +detaining him over there and feel inclined to +have a understudy kind of waiting off stage in +self defence. For believe you me, there seems +to be something sort of attractive about a war-widow +and the ones which ignores the fact and +minds their own affairs is the real patriotic +women of America.</p> + +<p>Not that I want to say a word about Maison, +and what happened to me after the end of that +train ride on which I was sitting so superior-minded, +taught me a lesson; because its a cinch +to be good when you want to be. A person +which has suffered themselves is slow to bawl +out the other fellow so quick next time. Do +you get me? Not yet.</p> + +<p>Well, after we had rolled by the lovely +scenery and read the handsome ad. signs on +either hand, not to mention the pipe-line, and +got the invigorating smell of low tide in our<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> +eager nostrils, we come out on that quiet little +country railroad station platform, our destination, +to be greeted by only several hundred +busses and a thousand or so taxi-cabs, +each yelling at the top of their voices. As we +got off the train Maison rushes up to us and +pipes a cheering little question.</p> + +<p>"Where are we going, dearie?" she said, +blithly.</p> + +<p>"Where are we going?" I says. "Maison +Rosabelle, do you mean to say you didn't wire +no place for rooms?"</p> + +<p>"Why no!" says Maison. "Didn't you?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly not!" I says. "I never wired +for rooms in my whole life. The advance +agent always done that for me."</p> + +<p>"Well Mary Gilligan, I'm not your advance +agent!" she snapped, and then she kind of +looked at Mr. Freddy in a sweet, helpless +womanly fashion expecting him to fork up a +little help. But it seems Mr. Freddy was one +of these birds that only think to take care of +his own comfort. He had a room alright +at the Traymore. And he meant to +keep it!</p> + +<p>"We'll take the bus to there," he suggested. +"I'm sure there'll be lots of room."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p> + +<p>But no bus for me on account of professional +reasons. So we took one taxi for him and +us and another for Musette and the dogs and +the bags, and then commenced a round of seeking +for shelter as the poet says, which had the +"Two Orphans" skun a mile. We went to six +hotels and not a room among them. Believe +you me, there is just one person can make you +feel cheaper than a Atlantic City hotel clerk +when he says "No reservations?" and lifts his +arched brows, and that is the head waiter when +he says "nothing to drink?" and you say "yes, +nothing!" Well, thank Gawd thats one thing +prohibition will prohibit.</p> + +<p>Well anyways, we tried six hotels until at +last we come to a little place where the young +feller at the desk give his reluctant consent to +our admission. It was a simple little place +done quitely in red plush and gold and marble +columns, very restful with not over a hundred +people sitting about in the lobby, listning not +to the sad sea waves but to a jazz orchestra +and inhaling the nice fresh tobacco smoke of +which the air was full.</p> + +<p>Well, Mr. Freddy give a gasp of relief and +bid us good-by, after dating up Maisie for dinner, +and a flock of bell-hops hopped upon our<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> +stuff and we commenced a walking tower to +our rooms. As we started off down the Alleyway, +Maison give me a nudge.</p> + +<p>"Look it, that sweet young officer! Aint +he handsome?" she whispers only just loud +enough for him to hear. And before I thought +I turned my head and he certainly was easy +to look at. He looked, in fact like a cross between +a clothing ad. and a leading juvinille +with a touch of bear-cat in him to make a regular +he-man out of him. He was a captain, although +so young, and had a cute little moustache +and had that blue-blooded air—you know—like a Boston accent even without hearing +him speak. And he was sitting all alone under +a big poster advertising a entertainment +for the benefit of blind soldiers or something. +Of course I didn't notice him at all, because +I being a perfect lady I dont do them things. +But I couldnt help seeing that he didn't blush +at what Maisie said, although I knew he heard +it, but a sort of crinkly expression come up +round his nice blue eyes as if he thought us +comic or something. It made me just boil because +my clothes is nothing if not refined and +I never wear anything but a little powder on +my nose when off the stage, and if its one thing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> +gets my goat it is to be taken for a show-girl +which undoubtedly he thought the two of us +was and they not in his class, for even with the +passing glance I had taken I could see he was +used to the Vanderbilts and all that set and had +never had to be taught to take his daily tub. +Do you get me?</p> + +<p>So I walked like I hadnt looked, and of +course I really hadnt, and proceeded to the before +the war section of the hotel and the handsome +suite all fitted in real varnished pine and +carpets just like a Rochester boarding house +when I was on the small time before I made +my big success, and it made me feel quite at +home or would of only for what I knew the +difference in price was going to be. I guessed +it just as soon as I heard Ma gasping over the +hotel rules which she was reading. I went over +and looked at them too, and at first I couldn't +see nothing unusual about them. There was +the usual bunk about the management not being +responsible for the guest in any way, and +Gawd knows how could they be and I dont +blame them. And then, a little ways down I +see what had got Ma stirred up. It seems dogs +was ten dollars a week per each, and of course<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> +we had two of them and Ma never has cared +for my two, anyways.</p> + +<p>"Well, I hope the sea air will be good for +the poor little lambs," she says very sarcastic. +"Mebbe it'll make 'em grow—into police-dogs +or something useful!"</p> + +<p>Well I see by this that the salt air had not +yet got to Ma, although the troublesome journey +had. And so I put on a simple little suit of +English tweed and low heeled shoes and a +walking hat, which seemed to me the right +thing for the country, and went out to pry off +a little health before dinner.</p> + +<p>The outdoors was something grand. The +air was as good a cocktail as a person would +want, and the lights along the boardwalk was +coming out like dandelion blossoms. There +was hardly anybody around—just a few here +and there and the surf of that wide and cruel +ocean which Jim was the other side of, was +breaking close to the rail in big white ostrich +plumes. Overhead the sky was as clear and +high as a circular drop with the violet lights on +it, and a few clean stars was coming out. It +was just cold enough to make a person want +to walk fast until the blood got singing through +you and you wanted to shout and run, only of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> +course no lady would. But just the same, I +commenced to feel glad I hadnt died when I +had the measles, and I loved everybody and +had a great career before me and—and—oh +that grand yearning happy feeling which +comes out of being young and full of strength +and a good bank-account. Do you get me? +You do!</p> + +<p>Well anyways, here I was walking like I +had money on it and huming a tune to myself, +when along comes a man the other way, walking +two to my one, and huming the same tune, +"How I hate to get up in the morning," it +was. When he heard me and I heard him we +both sort of half stopped out of surprise, and +I got a good look at him. It was the young +Captain from the hotel.</p> + +<p>He also give a start of surprise when he seen +me, showing he recognized me just as good as +I did him. Only it was a real, genuine start, +as if he realized something more than the fact +he had seen me at the hotel. Then he smiled—a +smile which would of done any dental ad. +proud, and passed along, looking back over his +shoulder—once. While I went along minding +my own business and only know he looked back +on account of my happening to look back to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> +see how far I had gone. I went a mile further +and somehow that smile of his stuck in my mind +and made me sort of happy for no reason, and +at the same time awful extra lonesome for +Jim. I made up my mind I would get Jim a +new car for a surprise when he come home and +I would send him a extra box of eats this week +and some of them cigarettes he likes so well, +and a whole lot of stuff like that, the way a +woman does at such a time. Do you get me? +Probably.</p> + +<p>Well anyways, I walked myself into a terrible +enthusiasm over Jim, and then come back +to the hotel. Which, by the way, its a strange +thing how much further it is coming back to a +Atlantic City hotel than walking away from +it. And there at the door was Ma with the +two dogs. A real strange sight for I never +knew her to take them out before, and it looked +like a guilty conscience, for she give me a peek +out of the corner of her eye for some reason +and then hastily explained how she had thought +she'd take them herself this time instead of +Musette. Well, we got rid of the dogs and +then come down to dinner where Maison sailed +down upon us all dressed up and no place to +go, for it seems this Mr. Freddy had stood her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> +up on the dinner, having telephoned he'd be +over later with a friend or two but business prevented +him paying for her meal, or at least +thats what I expect he meant. And Maison +was wild. But she had to eat dinner with us, +and register a bunch of complaints between +bowing to friends and so forth.</p> + +<p>"The luck I have!" she says. "That guy +Freddy doesn't think any more of a nickle than +he does of his right arm! And with all the +conventions which is held at this town of course +we would have to pick on the date the Baptist +ministers was here! Its a fact! The clerk +told me. And what is more if there ain't Ruby +Roselle and Goldringer and will you look at +that wine and it twelve a quart without the +tax! Well, of all things!"</p> + + +<h3> III</h3> + +<p>And there sure enough was Ruby across the +room with Goldringer, which he evidently had +come down to wait for the answer to that cable +in the fresh air, and I suppose Ruby was a accident, +the same as Freddy, for goodness +knows, I wouldnt say a thing against her even +behind her back—and a good deal could be said<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> +behind what shows of it when in costume. But +I wouldnt say it anyhow, because even if it was +the truth that woman would sue a person for +liabale if only to get her name in the paper. +And if she happened to be taking dinner with +Goldringer, Gawd knows, its a comparatively +free country and he's her manager as well as +mine and its a good thing to assume its only +business whenever possible as thinking the best +of people never hurt anybody yet.</p> + +<p>Also across the room all by himself was that +young Captain, and he looked over twice but +of course I pretended it was the picture on the +wall over his head which had took my eye. Altogether +that strange dining room wasnt much +more lonesome to us than the Ritz or Astor for +tea would of been. But the most remarkable +part of the meal was Ma. Because she didn't +touch it! Actually, and it the American plan +which would tempt one of these Asthetics if +for no other reason but that you have to pay +for it anyway. And all she took was a piece +of meat about the size of a dime and a leaf +of salad.</p> + +<p>"I'm going to stick by what I said if only +because you said I wouldnt!" she says, looking<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> +me square in the eye. "Diet is my middle +name."</p> + +<p>Well, I mentally give her until to-morrow +on that but said nothing at the time. And we +went out into the lounge where Mr. Freddy +and three friends was already lounging and +after they had joined us, Goldringer and Ruby +did the same, and the drinks commenced to +flow with that frantic haste like into a river +at the edge of the ocean as the poet says, meaning +because its near its finish. While I, never +using any alcohol myself except to remove my +make up, sat there flushed with Bevo, and +couldn't help noticing the way the Captain +which he was still all alone, looked over at the +menagerie, and it made me boil for how could +I help that piker Freddy and his cheap friends +and the rest, and believe you me there are many +perfect ladies in pictures and on the stage, only +the public dont often recognize them because +they are swamped with a bunch of roughnecks +which all are popularly supposed to be.</p> + +<p>It was a big relief when the Captain got up +and went away about nine, and left us to a +endurance contest as to which could sit up the +longest in that refreshing atmosphere of +cigarette smoke and drinks and ten-dollar perfume<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> +with the sad sea waves beating vainly +outside the carefully glass enclosed verandah +until one o'clock—when I personally went to +bed leaving them to their fate.</p> + +<p>I give the telephone operator a terrible +shock by leaving a call for seven thirty, and +when it come I put on my riding suit which +I had left from a dance called "The Call to +Hounds" which Jim and me done at the Palace +just before he enlisted, and went out into the +keen morning air. And it was some air! +Then I commenced to look around for horses +but had great difficulty in finding the same, for +it seems the Atlantic City horses dont get up +any earlier than most of the visitors, and believe +you me I and a few coons which were +picking up scraps and so forth off the boardwalk, +was the only birds in sight at that hour. +Well anyways I walked along breathing in that +sweet air at about fifty cents per breath by the +hotel rates, but feeling pretty good in spite of +it, when I actually found a place where the +horses was up—or mabe they had been all +night. I got a horse which looked considerable +like a moth-eaten property one but could +go pretty good and commenced to ride gently +along what seemed to be my private ocean,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> +when all of a sudden who would I see but the +young Captain riding very good indeed. He +come up to me on high and then tried to put +on the brakes when he seen who it was, but the +horse had its mind on something else and +wouldnt, so he got by me but not without a +"Good morning!" Which I thought fairly safe +to smile at seeing we was so rapidly going in +opposite directions. But it seems he must of +spoke roughly to his steed for he come up behind +me and spoke with just that grand refined +Big-Time drawing-room act accent I knew by +his little moustache he would have.</p> + +<p>"I say! What luck!" he says. "You are +Miss Marie LaTour, are you not?"</p> + +<p>Was I sore? I was. Any lady would be +and of course after the company he seen me in +at the hotel what could I expect but to be +picked up? But more particularly as he had +my name and it with a good reputation, and +no one can say different with truth, I simply +had to show him where he got off.</p> + +<p>"Sir!" I says, just like a play. "Sir! I do +not know you. Please beat it at once!"</p> + +<p>"I know, but really!" he begged, flashing +that white smile. "I'm not trying to be impertenant—let +me explain...."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Explain nothing!" I says very haughty. +"I wont listen."</p> + +<p>"But I'm not doing what you think!" he +cries out. "Please wait until you hear...."</p> + +<p>"I've heard that 'please listen' stuff before," +I says. "Good-by!"</p> + +<p>And then I done the bravest act of my life, +not being really acquainted with horses, especially +Atlantic City ones. I give the horse a +lash and off we went, I trying hard to give the +impression of a good rider and not looking +back because I dasn't with that animal headed +for the steel pier full clip. But I heard the +Captain's remarks, just the same.</p> + +<p>"By jove, I'll <i>make</i> you listen to me—just +for that!" he says. And I heard no more, for +the bird which keeps the horses come out and +rescued me just before we hit the pier and I +got off and started for the hotel, boiling with +rage. Me treated like a common chorus girl! +Me, once the best known parlor dancing act +in the world, and now even more so on the motion +picture screen and a lady or dead! I +wouldnt of looked at that guy again on a bet—I +made up my mind right then and there to +show him his mistake and that if my accent +wasnt as good as his my morals was better and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> +no attempt on his part could get me to speak +to him again.</p> + +<p>Well in this state of mind I run into Ma, +just before we reached the hotel which she was +hurrying to just ahead of me, and believe you +me I was sure surprised because I never knew +her out so early although she generally is up by +seven, but with her curlpapers still on and a +kimona and thats different from coming out +in public.</p> + +<p>"I've been taking my exercise!" she says +before I could speak. "And I'm glad to see +you do the same," she says.</p> + +<p>And I certainly had to hand it to her +strength of mind because after being out so +early and all she eat was only tea and dry +toast for breakfast.</p> + +<p>After which we stopped by the office and +just before we got there I see the Captain give +a note to the clerk and walk away. When we +asked for mail that note was the first thing the +clerk handed me.</p> + +<p>"Captain Raymond just left this for you +Miss LaTour," he says.</p> + +<p>I didnt even open it.</p> + +<p>"Kindly return it," I says, very dignified, +giving it back, and looked over my other mail.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> +But no letter from my husband, which is always +the way on a day a woman most needs +one. So I went upstairs very low in my mind +and sort of glad that even if Jim couldn't think +to write there was others would be glad enough +to if they was let. And then I went and got +Maison out of bed which she was taking her +breakfast in.</p> + +<p>"You come down here for your health and +look what you do to it!" I says, and made her +go for a boardwalk which she held out for about +half a hour and no wonder with the heels she +wears, and then stopped me with a gasp.</p> + +<p>"Dearie, you surely must be the one that +put the hell in health," she says, "For heavens +sakes leave us sit down."</p> + +<p>Well we did, and in about five minutes along +comes Mr. Freddy with a friend, Mr. Sternberg, +and it was remarkable how quick Maison +recovered her strength, with the result that we +spent a quiet little morning and about fifty dollars +of Mr. Sternberg's money on shooting-galleries +and throwing rings and carousels and +a Japanese auction and other restful seaside +sports, and ended at a quiet little café simply +done in paper roses and rubber palm trees +where the drinks was only seventy-five cents<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> +per each and I had to sit and watch them again, +Ma having gone off to exercise and not appearing +to want me along with her.</p> + +<p>Well anyways I was sort of relieved over +not having to eat lunch with Captain Raymond +looking on back at the hotel, and was just +thinking of it when who would come into that +café but the Captain himself, alone except for +another officer, a Lieutenant with his arm in +a sling and caught sight of me the very minute +he sat down.</p> + +<p>Well of course I didnt look over at him but +I couldnt help noticing he called a waiter and +wrote a note on a piece of paper and that the +waiter brought it over to me.</p> + +<p>And Maison seen it too, and her gentleman +friends the same, and did they kid me? They +did! But I kept the bird which had brought +the note over while I tore it in two without +reading it and sent it back again that way and +believe you me that got over, because I could +see Captain Raymond turn red all the way +across the noisy room.</p> + +<p>Well I thought that had settled it and spent +a mournful if busy afternoon in another café +where there was lots of smoke and a Jazz band +and dancing and Maison was real happy because<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> +she had finally got Mr. Freddy to spend +a nickle and a half. But I was lower than +ever in my mind thinking how much more often +some soldiers seemed able to write than others.</p> + +<p>Well, after we had taken a nice walk in the +fresh air nearly three blocks long, I got back +to the hotel to find that Goldringer was giving +a party that night beginning with dinner and +of course Ma and me was booked for it and no +escape because of my contract with him. And +it was some party and at twelve o'clock that +night I dragged my weary bones down the corridor +after the second day of my rest, feeling +that I would pass out any minute. A person +certainly does need their strength to enjoy a +American health resort.</p> + +<p>The next morning I didn't even attempt to +get up for any wild west exhibit. I hadn't the +pep for one thing and the Captain was another +reason of course. And when I finally come +down-stairs and see Ma eat practically nothing, +I let her set off right away after breakfast +without me for exercise was nothing in my life. +I strolled around the lobby waiting for Maison +Rosabelle according to her request and there I +seen a big poster which I had noticed before, +the one about the entertainment for the benefit<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> +of blind soldiers which the Captain had been +sitting under the first time I—he saw me, and +I went over and read it and the entertainment +was to come off that very night. And while +I was reading it the second time the way a person +does in a hotel lobby, up comes Captain +Raymond and actually speaks right there +where a sceene would of proved me no lady.</p> + +<p>"Please, Miss LaTour!" he says. "It's so +<i>important.</i>"</p> + +<p>"Kindly do not force me to call for assistance," +I says low and quiet. "You are a +stranger to me."</p> + +<p>"But you dont understand!" he says, flushing +up red the attractive way he had for all he +was so fresh.</p> + +<p>"Indeed I do," I says. "I havent been in +the theatrical world since three generations for +nothing," I says. "Kindly go <i>away!</i>"</p> + +<p>"If you would only listen for five minutes, +I'd prove how mistaken you are!" he says. +"Won't you give me a chance?"</p> + +<p>"No!" I says.</p> + +<p>"By Heavens, I'll make you!" he says, half +laughing. "I've never seen anything so absurd! +Why my dear lady...."</p> + +<p>Right then up comes Maison in a simple little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> +Xmas tree of a dress in green and gold and +red, and I broke away and took her arm, and +hurried her out through the front door, leaving +the Captain staring after us and rather +against Maison's will.</p> + +<p>"Why didn't you introduce me, dearie?" she +says. "I kind a thought you'd pick up that +bird!"</p> + +<p>"I didn't pick him up. I turned him down!" +I snapped. But Maison kidded me the whole +three hours while we was in the beauty-parlours +getting waived and manicured.</p> + + +<h3> IV</h3> + +<p>Then we had a nice wholesome little lunch +lasting only three hours and comparatively +quiet and by ourselves, seeing there was only +Goldringer and Ruby Roselle and Maison and +Freddy and O'Flarety, our leading juvenile +who had turned up, and Mr. Sternberger and +a friend of Ma's which used to be in the circus +with her, and Ma and myself. And all the +way through I watched Ma kind of anxiously, +for she only toyed with a little salad and passed +up everything else. I was by this time really +scared she would be haggard or something, but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> +she looked fine, and not a word of complaint +out of her, only toward four o'clock she got +kind of restless, and so did I, so we excused +ourselves, and walked to the door together.</p> + +<p>"You needn't come along with me, Mary +Gilligan," she says. "I want to walk real +fast."</p> + +<p>I looked at her sort of surprised at that, but +at the time the queerness didn't really sink in. +And I was so wore out I was actually glad to +let her go alone and personally, myself, I took +one of those overgrown baby-carriages or rolling +chairs which I thought a healthy young +person like myself would never come to, and +sank into it like the poor weary soul I was, +and let the coon tuck me in like a six-months-old, +and off we went as fast as a snail.</p> + +<p>Well it was pleasanter than I had thought it +would be and I got kind of drowsy and dreamy +and somehow I couldnt help but think of Captain +Raymond and how refined and nice he was +and how my fame and beauty had captured +him to the extent that it had almost made him +forget to act like a gentleman, and how he persisted +like a regular story book hero. And I +wondered if he would shoot himself on my account, +and that threw a awful scare into me,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> +for handsome women have a terrible responsibility +in the way they treat men. And I wondered +was I really doing the right thing, taking +such a risk by treating him so sever and not +speaking and here he was in the service of his +country and all and Gawd knows I might be +wrecking his whole life from then on. And +furthermore I thought how hard it is to be refined +and what a lot a person has to sacrifice +to it, and that the roughnecks of this world +seem to have most of the fun. And that it was +certainly hard to be dignified but that my whole +career was built on my refinement no less than +my great talent, and I must respect my own +position. Ah well, uneasy lies the tooth that +wears a crown as the poet says, or something!</p> + +<p>And by this time the coon had got tired +pushing me and turning my face sea-ward had +gone to take a rest and I took one too and +actually fell asleep.</p> + +<p>When I woke up I was moving again, going +slow in the direction of the Inlet, and I felt +quite refreshed and happy, and the whole of +Atlantic City appeared to feel the same, for +everybody I passed smiled and seemed to be +enjoying theirselves. And they all seemed to +smile at me in such a sweet, friendly way it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> +made my heart feel awful good. I was even +quite surprised because although of course I +am used to being recognized every place I go, +but still, more people than ever was doing it +this afternoon. I begun to think I must be +looking pretty good and that my hat, about +which I had had a few doubts, was a big success +after all. It really was a sort of triumphal +progress as the saying is, and I had +half a mind to turn around when we passed +the last pier; but the ocean looked so beautiful +and pink in the sunset and going the other way +it would of been in my eyes, so I just let myself +be rolled on and on until we was almost +to the Inlet and not a soul in sight. Then the +chair stopped and was turned against the rail.</p> + +<p>"Now I've got you at last!" said a unexpected +voice, and around from the back came, +not the coon, but Captain Raymond.</p> + +<p>"Where did you come from?" I asked, +hardly able to speak.</p> + +<p>"I have had the honor of pushing you into +this secluded corner of—of the ocean!" he said, +his blue eyes twinkling.</p> + +<p>"But how—how . . ." I sputtered.</p> + +<p>"I bought off the colored man while you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> +were sleeping," he said. "And have been your +humble servant for almost an hour!"</p> + +<p>Can you beat it? You cant!</p> + +<p>"Well of all the nerve," I began, remembering +how people had smiled, and no wonder!</p> + +<p>"What are you going to do about it?" he +asked.</p> + +<p>"Walk home this minute!" I says, struggling +with the rugs. But they had a will of their +own and it was on his side and I just couldnt +seem to get free of them.</p> + +<p>"Oh I say, don't be so absurd!" he says smilingly.</p> + +<p>"I'm not!" I says.</p> + +<p>"Oh but you are!" he insisted. "Just sit still +and let me show you something!"</p> + +<p>Well, there was nothing for me but to give +in or look a utter fool, and he <i>was</i> so attractive! +And, well anyways, I waited and he +brought out a letter from his overcoat pocket +and it was the very one he had wrote me first +and I had returned it to the hotel clerk.</p> + +<p>"Please just open it!" he begged, and I did +and nearly fainted because inside was a letter +in Jim's handwriting addressed to me and introducing +Captain Charles Raymond who was +with him in France, only being gassed was now<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> +home on leave and would I show him every +courtesy as he had been good to my ever loving +husband, Jim!</p> + +<p>"And really and truly I wouldn't have been +so persistant, Miss LaTour," Captain Raymond +was saying as I looked up. "I had intended +using it when I got to New York of +course. But when they put me in charge of +this entertainment for the benefit of the blind, +and I discovered you were here, I was simply +determined to get you to take part in it. +Couldn't you do us just one little dance? It +would be such a drawing-card, your name +would. That was all I wanted, really!"</p> + +<p>Believe you me I didn't know what to think +or how I felt. Did I feel flat? I did! Did +I feel relieved? I did!! So it wasnt a mash +at all, and for a moment I felt a lonelier war-widow +than ever. Then I remembered how +Jim said in the note to be nice to this bird, and +I could see, now that I looked at him good, +that he was the sort which it is perfectly safe +to be nice to. Not that he didnt admire me, +either, but that he was just as refined as me +and more so and was Jim's pal beside. So I +says yes, of course I would dance, and we +talked and talked and the sun went down, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> +got to be real friends and was it good to hear +about Jim, first hand? <b>IT WAS</b>! And after +a while we commenced to walk back toward the +hotel, pushing the chair, and the lights was all +lit along the walk like Fairyland, and also in +the shops so they was more like show-cases +than ever. And then I got the second shock +of the afternoon because at ten past six with +dinner at seven, there was Ma in the Ocean +Lunch eating griddle-cakes, fish-balls, Salsbury +steake and coffee, with a little strained +honey and apple-pie on the side! No wonder +she could diet so good! And I take it to my +credit that, since she did not notice me, I never +let on that I seen her, not then nor afterward +at dinner when she refused everything but two +dill pickles!</p> + +<p>But it wasn't until afterward when I was +in the star dressing-room at the Apollo Theatre, +putting on my make-up for the benefit that +the real blow came. I was just about ready to +go on when in rushed Goldringer, all breathless +with a cablegram in his hand.</p> + +<p>"Its all right about Olivette Twist!" he +puffed at me. "We'll begin making that +fillum Tuesday!" and he threw the message<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> +down on my dressing table. It was signed by +our London manager and it read:—</p> + +<p>"Present location of Charles Dickens uncertain +but material is uncopyrighted, shoot."</p> + +<p>And so immediately after the show, myself +and Ma went back to New York to get a twenty-four +hour rest before commencing work +again.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + <h2>V</h2> + + <h3>NOW IS THE TIME</h3> + + + <h3>I</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">Believe</span> you me, the world to-day is just +about as settled as a green passenger on a trip +to Bermuda. There is that same awful feeling +of not knowing is something going to happen +or not—do you get me? You do! And it +can't help but strike even a mere womanly +woman and lady like I, that unless the captain +and officers keep a firm hand on the crew until +we get a little ballast in the hold, we are likely +to get in Dutch. Not meaning the Germans +necessarily, but the Russians, or something +just as bad. And perhaps it may seem strange +for me to know about them nautchical terms, +but anybody which has once been to Bermuda +learns what ballast is on account of their not +having hardly any on them boats because of the +water not being deep enough, and believe you +me, nothing I had to do in the fillum we made<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> +after what was left of us arrived there, and it +was some fillum at that—$1000. for bathing +costumes alone and me as "The Sea King's +Conquest" in silver scales, although hardly +knowing how to swim—was a patch on the +treatment which that unballasted boat handed +me on the trip down.</p> + +<p>Well anyways, even when sitting in the security +of my flat on the Drive, which Gawd +knows it aught to be secure what with the salary +I get and moving-pictures will be the last +thing the common people will give up;—even +with this security and the handsomest furniture +any installment house could provide, and every +other equipment which is necessary to one so +prominent in my line as myself, still even in +the scarcity of the home, as the poet says, I +am conscious that the world is, or could quite +easily be, on the blink.</p> + +<p>And ain't it the truth? Even the simplest +soul, buried in the wilds of Broadway and +wholly absorbed in their own small life must +feel the unrest. No use kidding ourselves +about it. It's time for all good Americans to +quit fighting among theirselves and come to +the aid of the country. Regardless of race, +creed or color, as the free hospital says, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> +Gawd knows the hospital will be where they'll +land if they don't. Do you get me? Probably +not. What I mean is, it's time we quit +talking and <i>did</i> something. What? I dunno, +quite, but it was this general line of thought, +which come to me while listening to the director +give me my instructions for the ball-room +scene in "The Dove of Peace," where I catch +the Russian Ambassador giving the nitro-glycerine +or some other patent face-cleanser to +the fake Senator, caused me to reform the +White Kittens. That and Ma's peculiar behavior, +plus the new cook.</p> + +<p>You see it come over me all of a sudden that +we ladies have now a vote and so forth, which +unquestionably makes us more or less citizens +the same as the men, and if the country went +bluey, why wouldn't it be our fault as well? +And I come to this partially through the sense +of unrest and having eat something that didn't +settle good and Ma's behavior. All coming +at once they kind of got together and exploded +into my idea.</p> + +<p>Well anyways, I had just come to a place in +my personal life where I seen a little peace and +quiet ahead and nothing to do but go up in an +aeroplane for the second reel of "The Dove."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> +The war was over without Jim being killed in +it and a new chance offered by a big picture +contract the minute his uniform should be off +him; I was going strong with nothing but +Broadway releases and a salary which made +Morgan jealous; my spring clothes hadn't a +failure among them and only one of my hats +was too tight in the head. The fool dogs was +both healthy, the cook had stayed a month; +the car had been in order for over three weeks, +and I had successfully nursed Ma through the +flu. And I thought fat could not harm me, +as the poet says, for I had dieted to-day. When +all of a sudden Ma, who had hardly got over +the Influenza, come down with Bolshevism.</p> + +<p>Now the trouble with these new diseases is +that the doctors don't seem to know anything +about them nor what makes them catching. +At least that is the line of talk they pull, but +I got a hunch myself, that if the flu had been +quarantined right in the first place it could of +been stopped. Do you get me? You do! And +I will say one more word in favor of Influenza. +You was obliged to report it, if only to the +Board of Health. But Bolshevism seems to +be like a cold in the head. If you catch it, +that evidently is nobody's business but your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> +own; if you spread it—the same. Then again +folks are kind of proud of having had the flu. +It makes conversation and everything, and one +which has escaped feels a little mortified like +admitting they had never seen Charlie Chaplin. +Indeed, people certainly do get a lot of +pleasure out of illness and etc. And so long +as it is under control, all right, leave them enjoy +theirselves. They had to suffer first and +mabe a little talk is coming to them.</p> + +<p>But with this Bolshevism it's the other way +around. The talk comes first, but believe you +me, the suffering will come afterwards. And +if they could only be made to realise this ere too +late, a whole lot of patients would be cured +before they got it. A ounce of Americanism +is worth a pound of red propaganda, as the +poet says, or would of had he written to-day.</p> + +<p>Things started with Ma as per usual upsetting +the cook which has come to be a habit with +her, for cooking is to Ma what his art is to +Caruso—naught but death could tear her from +it permanent. And while I give her credit for +trying in every way to be an idle rich, the +kitchen might as well be furnished with magnets +and she a nail for all she can keep out of +it with the natural result that keeping out of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> +it is the best thing the cooks we hire do. And +I can't say with any truth that I have made as +much effort to break her of that as of some +other lack of refinements, such as remembering +that toothpicks ain't a public utility and never +to say "excuse my back," or keep her knife and +fork for the next course at the Ritz. Because +believe you me, Ma is some cook and a real +authograph dinner by her is something to bring +tears of sweet memory to the eyes of the older +generation and leave us young things in sympathetic +wonder about them dear dead days +when first class home-cooking was a custom, +not a curiosity. And so while the material side +of life don't interest me much, what with my +work and etc. to take my mind off it, still even +a artist must eat or Gawd knows where the +strength to act in the "Dove of Peace" or any +other six-reeler would come from if I didn't, +and Ma's is that simple nourishing kind, but +with quality, the same as the sort of dresses I +wear—made out of two dollars worth of material +and a thousand dollar idea.</p> + +<p>Well anyways, our latest cook which had a +husband in the service and had took up her +work again so's to release him for the front at +Camp Mills, for he got no further, heard he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> +was coming back home, having got his discharge +and it upset her so but whether from +joy or rage, I don't know which, that there +was nothing to eat in the kitchen but a little +liquor she had left at seven-thirty, when we +went in to see what was the cause of delay, and +me with Maison Rosabelle and a friend to dinner. +So Ma woke her up out of her emotions +which she claimed had overcome her, and give +her a honorable discharge of her own and then +turned up the ends of her sleeves, and only a +little hampered by the narrow skirt to the green +satin evening gown she had on her, give us a +meal as per above described. And no one +would of cared how long it was before the intelligence +office—I mean domestic, not U.S. +Army—sent us a cook but that in trying to +save her dress Ma got hot grease on her right +hand and that changed the situation because we +had to call up next day and take anything they +had—and they sent us up a German woman.</p> + +<p>Well, believe you me, that was a shock because +I had an idea that all the Germans in the +country was either interned or incognito, but +this one wasn't even disguised, which isn't so +remarkable on account of her being pretty near +as big as Ma and a voice on her like a fog-horn<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> +with a strong accent on the fog. I never in my +life see so many bags and bundles and ecteras +as that female had with her, for she was undoubtedly +one, although she had a sort of +moustache beside the voice. But what she had +in voice she certainly lacked in words. When +Ma set out to ask her the usual questions which +everybody does, although their heart is trembling +with fear, she won't take the job, this +lady Hun didn't divulge no more information +about herself than we asked. She was as stingy +with her language as if it had been hard liquor. +Ma asked her to come in, and she did, and sat +without being asked upon one of the gold chairs +in the parlor which I certainly never expected +it would survive the test, they being made for +parlor rather than sitting room.</p> + +<p>Well anyways, it's a fact she certainly was +a mountain and if she were a fair specimen, all +this about the Germans starving to death is +the bunk. Only her being over here may of +made a difference. Well, after she had set +down a bundle done up in black oil-cloth, a cute +little hand-bag about a yard long made out of +somebody's old stair-carpet, a shoe-box with a +heel of bread sticking out at one end, an umbrella +which looked like a sea-side one, a pot of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> +white hyacinths in full bloom and a net-bag +full of little odds and ends, she still had an old +black pocket-book and a big bulky bundle done +up in a shawl lying idly in her lap. After I +had taken all this in, I gave her personally the +once-over and was surprised to see she wasn't +so old as her figure, or anything like it. For +by the size of her she might of been the Pyramids, +but her face was quite young and if she +had been a boy I would of said the moustache +was the first cherished down.</p> + +<p>"What's your name, dearie?" says Ma, which +I simply can't learn her not to be familiar +with servants.</p> + +<p>"Anna," says the lump.</p> + +<p>"And where do you come from?" says Ma, +giving a poor imitation of a detective.</p> + +<p>"Old Country," says Anna. Well, Ma and +me at once exchanged glances, putting name +and place together.</p> + +<p>"German?" says Ma. "Of course!"</p> + +<p>"Swedish," says Anna, more lumpishly than +ever.</p> + +<p>And just at that moment the air was filled +with a big laugh that none of us there had give +voice to. It was <i>some</i> shock, that laugh, and +Ma and me looked around expecting to see<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> +who had come into the room, but it was nobody. +Anna was the only one who didn't seem +disturbed. She just went on sitting.</p> + +<p>"Who was that?" says Ma.</p> + +<p>"It must of been outside," I says, for it was +warm and we had the windows open so's to +let in the gasoline and railroad smoke and a +little fresh air.</p> + +<p>"I guess so," says Ma. Then she went back +to her third-degree.</p> + +<p>"So you're Swedish!" says Ma. "Can you +cook?"</p> + +<p>"Good!" says Anna. "Svell cook!"</p> + +<p>"Well, dearie!" says Ma, "why was it you +left your last place?"</p> + +<p>"Too hot!" says Anna. And again me and +Ma exchanged glances.</p> + +<p>"Are you a good American?" says Ma.</p> + +<p>"Good American-Swedish," says Anna. And +immediately that awful laugh was repeated. +This time it was in the room, no doubt about +it. And yet no one was there outside ourselfs.</p> + +<p>"My Gawd!" says Ma. "What was it?"</p> + +<p>"Somebody is hid some place!" I says. "And +I'd like to know who is it with the cheap sense +of humor?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p> + +<p>"It bane Frits," says Anna. "Na, na, +Frits!"</p> + +<p>"But where on earth . . ." I was commencing, +when I noticed Anna was unwinding the +shawl off the package in her lap. And then +in another moment we seen Frits for our own +selves, for there he was, a big moth-eaten parrot, +interned in a cage, making wicked eyes +at us and giving us the ha-ha like the true Hun +he was!</p> + +<p>"Frits and me, we stay!" announced Anna +comfortably. "We stay!"</p> + +<p>"But look here," says I, "we didn't start +out to hire any parrots."</p> + +<p>"Why Mary Gilligan!" says Ma, and I +could see she was scared that if Frits went +Anna would certainly go, too. "Why Mary +Gilligan, I thought you was fond of dumb animals!" +she says.</p> + +<p>"And so I am," I says. "The dumber the +better. But this one is evidently far from it! +How am I going to figure out my income tax +with this bird hanging around?"</p> + +<p>"Hang in den Kitchen!" says Anna firmly, +and at that we gave in, because cooks is cooks, +and what's a bird more or less after all? Still +I didn't like him on account of suspecting he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> +wasn't a neutral any more than Anna was for +all she claimed to be a Swede. I had read a +piece in the paper about where the Germans +was pretending to be Swede or Spanish or anything +they could get away with so's to remain +free to spread Bolshevism and influenza and +bombs and send up the price of dry and fancy +goods and put through the Prohibition amendment +and all them other gentle little activities +for which they are so well and justly known.</p> + +<p>But I thought knowledge is power as the +guy which wrote the copy-book says, and I had +the drop on Anna through being on to her disguise +and beside which I could see Ma was going +to be miserable if she had to eat out while +her hand was in the sling, and so we took the +viper to our bosom, or in other words, we hired +her, and anyways, she had already accepted +the job and it would of been a lot of trouble +to get her out by force. Which, believe you +me, a person seldom has to do with servants +now-a-days, and confirmed me about her being +German because naturally people don't +hire them, if acknowledging to themselves that +they <i>are</i> Germans any more than they would +now deliberately import sauerkraut or any<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> +other German industry. Do you get me? +You'd better!</p> + +<p>But in this case there was a reasonable doubt +together with a real necessity, although from +what come of it, I feel, looking backwards, it +would of been better to eat out and suffer than +to of compromised with our patriotic consciences +like we done at that time. Because +there is <i>no</i> reasonable doubt but that Anna's +coming into the house was greatly responsible +for Ma's catching Bolshevism.</p> + + +<h3> II</h3> + +<p>Not that she caught it off Anna directly, +because for once we had a cook which couldn't +talk or understand American and so there was +no use in Ma's hanging around the kitchen +worrying the life out of her. And so the very +first morning Anna was on the premises, Ma +commenced hanging around and worrying the +life out of me.</p> + +<p>It happened we was waiting for the aeroplane +I was to go up in to arrive at the studio, +and so for once having my morning for myself, +I thought I would just dash off my income +tax return, and be done with it.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span></p> + +<p>But it seems that this is one of the things +which is easier said than done, the same as +signing the peace-treaty, and believe you me, +the last ain't got a thing on the former and I +don't know did Pres. Wilson make out his own +income tax return or not. But if he did and +the collector of Internal Revenue left him get +by with it as he must of or why would the Pres. +be in Paris, which is out of the country, well +anyways, if the Pres. did it alone, believe you +me, he will get away with the treaty all right, +and probably even write in this here Leg of +Nations under table 13, page 1, of return and +instructions page 2 under K (b) without having +to ask anybody how to do it, he having undoubtedly +shown the power to think.</p> + +<p>Well anyways, I had taken all the poker-chips, +silk-sale samples, old theatre programs +and etc., out of my desk, found my fountain +pen and a bottle of ink, and was turning that +cute little literacy test around and over to see +where would I commence and had got no further +than the realization that most of my brains +is in my feet instead of behind my face, when +Ma comes in and commences worrying me because +she could not cook nor yet crochet like +the lillies of the field, or whatever that well-known<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> +idle flower was. I tried to listen at least +as politely as is ever required of a daughter to +her mother, but when I was trying to figure +out my answer to question No. 5 and getting +real mad over its personalness, I couldn't stand +to hear her complain over not being able to +crochet them terrible mats she makes which +are not fit for anything except Xmas presents, +anyways.</p> + +<p>"The trouble with you, Ma," I snapped at +last, "is that you aught to get a live-wire outside +interest. You're getting out of date. +Ladies don't crochet no more and even knitting +has been dished by the armistice. You never +read a newspaper or a book. You should go +in for something snappy and up to the moment +like literature or jobs for soldiers, or +business, or something."</p> + +<p>This got Ma's goat right off, like I hoped it +would.</p> + +<p>"Oh, so I'm on the shelf, am I?" she says, +"well, leave me tell you Mary Gilligan, if it +wasn't for us back numbers you new numbers +wouldn't even <i>be</i> here, don't forget that! And +after having been the first American lady to +do the double backward leap on the two center +trapeses, I can hardly be called a dead one,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> +even if a little heavier than I was. And +from that time on I have never ceased to be +forward."</p> + +<p>"You'd have to show me," I says, grimly.</p> + +<p>"All right, I will," she says.</p> + +<p>And believe you me, she did. She went and +got on her dolman and her spring hat and left +me in wrath and the midst of that income tax +with that "I'll never come back" air so familiar +to all well-regulated families.</p> + +<p>Well, as I sat there struggling over where +to put the × and = marks, and how much exemption +could I get away with and still be on +speaking terms with myself, and wondering +whether the two fool dogs was dependents or +not—which they aught to be, seeing how helpless +they are and a big expense and Gawd +knows I keep them only for appearances and +they aught to come under the head of professional +expenditures, because no well-known +actress but has them to help out the scenery—well +anyways, I was deep in this highly high-brow +occupation in the comparatively perfect +silence of my exclusive flat where ordinarily +we don't hear a thing but the neighbors' pianola +and the dumb-waiter and the auto horns on the +drive and the train just beyond—well, this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> +comparatively for New York, perfect silence +was broke by an awful yell in the apartment +itself.</p> + +<p>"Anarchy!" a terrible voice hollered. And +then again "Anarchy! Anarchy!"</p> + +<p>Believe you me, my blood turned to lemon +soda for a moment and the boys in the trenches +never had worse crawling down the back than +me at that minute, coming as it did right on +top of me, writing in opposite to B. income +from salaries—you know—$60,000.00. The silence +which followed was even worse. And I +sat there sort of frozen while expecting a bomb +would go off any minute, and Gawd knows +sixty thousand is a lot of money, but any one +which investigated the true facts could quickly +see that I earn every cent of it and anyways +brains has a right to the bigger share, not to +mention ability, and if the way I worked myself +up from the lower classes ain't proof of +what can be done single-handed in America, I +don't know what is, and anybody which works +as hard and lives as decent as I done can do the +same, not that I want to hand myself anything +extra, only speaking personally, I am in a position +to know.</p> + +<p>But just the same I wasn't reasoning at the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> +minute and the justice, as you might say, of my +case didn't occur to me until later. As I sat +there trying to remember to think, the voice +yells it again, only this time with additions.</p> + +<p>"Anarchy! Love Anarchy! Pretzel!"</p> + +<p>And then I realised it was that parrot belonging +to the new cook.</p> + +<p>Can you imagine my feelings on top of my +suspicions of her? You can! I got up and +went into the kitchen to see if a bomb was may +be being prepared for our dinner, but not at +all. The kitchen was scrubbed to the last tile, +something that smelled simply grand was baking, +the white hyacinths was in the sun on the +window-sill, and Anna was humming under her +breath while she rolled out biscuit-dough. The +radical parrot was shut up, but only as to +mouth, he being loose and walking about the +top of the clothes-wringer, making himself very +much at home, and giving me <i>some</i> evil look as +I come in.</p> + +<p>"Aren't you afraid he'll get away?" I says.</p> + +<p>"Huh?" says Anna, stopping rolling, and +blinking at me.</p> + +<p>"Lose him—parrot——!" I says, pointing to +him and flapping my arms like wings.</p> + +<p>"Frits?" she said. "Na—Frits like liberty!"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p> + +<p>And that was all I could get out of her. I +stuck around for a few minutes more, until +Anna commenced to give me the cook's-eye, +that bird backing her up and sneering at me +while dancing slowly on the wringer, but not +moving a step. So I got out and back to the +parlor but not to my work which Gawd knows +I had to take it over to the bank and leave them +do it for me after all—but sat down instead to +consider them two suspicious birds in the back +part of the flat. I personally myself was convinced +that there was something very wrong +about Anna. But so far she had said nothing +under the espionage law exactly and I didn't +know could you arrest a bird for too much liberty +of speech even though it loved anarchy, +and liberty and everything and was undoubtedly +capable of spreading propaganda what +with the voice it had.</p> + +<p>Well anyways, as I was holding my marcelle +wave with both hands and racking what +little was underneath it over the situation, I +heard the key in the lock and in come Ma all +flushed and cheerful and pleased with herself +and handed me another jolt.</p> + +<p>"I had a real sweet, pleasant morning," she +says, taking off her gloves and hat and wiping<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> +her face with one of them big handkerchiefs +like she used to carry in the circus and +will not give up. "A real nice time," she says, +egging me on to question her.</p> + +<p>"Where have you been?" I says, like she +wanted me to.</p> + +<p>"Oh, just to a little Bolsheviki meeting," +she says, casual. And picking up her things +she started for her room.</p> + +<p>"Hold on, Ma!" I says, having managed to +get my breath before she reached the door. +"Say that again, will you?"</p> + +<p>She turned and come back at that, still keeping +up the careless stuff.</p> + +<p>"Certainly," she says, "Bolsheviki meeting. +Are you interested in this up-to-date stuff?"</p> + +<p>"Interested!" I says. "Of course I am. I'm +against it. Why Ma Gilligan!" I says. "Do +you know what Bolshevism <i>is?"</i></p> + +<p>"Do you?" says Ma, sweetly.</p> + +<p>"No!" says I. "And neither do they. But +I am sure it's the bunk, and I feel it's wrong, +and I am ashamed of you going!"</p> + +<p>"How old-fashioned of you, dearie," says +Ma. "Have you ever heard a speaker or been +to a meeting?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I don't need to!" I says short, being kind +of at a loss.</p> + +<p>"Well, I have!" says Ma, triumphant.</p> + +<p>"Where was it at?" I demanded.</p> + +<p>"Down to the circus," says Ma. "In the +Bear-wrestler's dressing room. I went to call +on some of the folks and get the news and Madame +Jones, the new automobile act—very distinguished +lady—got me to it. A most exclusive +affair, with only the highest priced acts +invited!"</p> + +<p>"And who spoke?" I says.</p> + +<p>"Kiskoff, the bear-wrestler," says Ma. "It +certainly was interesting."</p> + +<p>"What did he say?" I says, it getting harder +and harder to remember I was a lady and she +my only mother. "What did he say?"</p> + +<p>"I dunno!" says Ma.</p> + +<p>"You don't know!" I fairly yells. "And +why don't you know?"</p> + +<p>"Because he only talks Russian!" says Ma, +and walked out, leaving me flat.</p> + +<p>Well, believe you me, I was that upset I +scarcely took any notice of my lunch, although +it was a real nice meal, commencing with some +juicy kind of fish and eggs and ending up with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> +pancakes rolled up and filled with cream curds +and powdered sugar.</p> + +<p>Ma took to these eats immensely, and she +and Anna exchanged a couple of smiles, which +made me feel like the only living American. +And when later in the day Ma told me she +thought she'd join the Bolshevists if she didn't +have to be immersed, and that this Kiskoff's +life was in danger for his beliefs just like the +early Romans and nobody knew where he lived, +but was a man of mystery, I couldn't stand it +another moment, but beat it for a long walk +by myself because my nerves was sure on edge +and that aeroplane stunt facing me next week.</p> + +<p>But the walk wasn't altogether pleasant, +at least not at the start or at the finish, because +when I come out of our palatial near-marble +front stoop, there was a guy standing +which might just as well of had on the brass-buttons +and all because you could tell at once +by the disguise that he was a plain-clothes cop. +Not that I am so familiar with them, but their +clothes is generally so plain any one could tell +them. Do you get me? You do!</p> + +<p>Well anyways, this bird was standing opposite +our door, and at the second glance I had +him spotted or nearly so, and when I come<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> +back from walking fast and wishing to Gawd +Jim was back to advise me and occupying our +flat instead of Germany, the fly-cop was still +there by which I became certain he was one; +the more so as I watched him from a window +once I was in, and the way he kept camouflaging +himself as a casual passer-by, ended my +doubts.</p> + +<p>Well, was that some situation? It was! +Here was myself, a good American though but +an ignorant woman, surrounded by all the terrible +and disturbing elements of the day; with +everything which aught to be kept out of every +U. S. A. home creeping into mine, and all so +sudden that I hadn't got my breath yet much +less any action. In fact, I was sort of dizzy +with what was happening, and my head didn't +quiet down any when, after dinner that night, +I heard deep voices out in back.</p> + +<p>"Anna has company!" says Ma in explanation. +"Two of them, and I think they are +talking Russian. At any rate one has a beard +almost as handsome as Mr. Kiskoff's."</p> + +<p>This got my angora, and while no lady would +ever spy on her cook, this was surely a exception +and so I took a quiet peek in through the +pantry slide and there was Anna and two big<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> +he-men all talking at once. The window was +open a little ways from the top and on it was +Frits, also talking in Russian or something, +and no earthly reason why he couldn't take his +liberty and go right out if he had really wanted +it. And still another jolt was handed me when +I realised one of the men was our very own +ice-man!</p> + +<p>Believe you me, when I went to bed that +night in my grey French enameled Empire +style I was wore out with the series of jolts +which the day has handed me. But it is not +my custom to sit back and talk things over too +long. I have ever noticed that the person which +talks too much seldom does a whole lot, and +that a quick decision if wrong, at least learns +you something, and you can start again on the +right track. And no later than the next day +after a funny, though good breakfast, of coffee +and new bread with cinnamon and sugar +baked into it and herrings in cream, I commenced +to act.</p> + +<p>"Ma, are you going to keep up this Bolshevist +bull?" I says.</p> + +<p>"I am!" she says. "You told me to do something +modern and I'm doing the very modernest +thing there is!"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p> + +<p>"You are going to be wrong on that by this +P. M.," I says, "or to-morrow at latest," I +says, "because there is or aught to be something +moderner, and that is United Americanism!" +I says. "And since the only way to fight +fire is with it, I am going to start a rival organization +and start it quick!" I says, "and +I'm going to do it on a sounder basis than your +people ever dreamed of because we'll all talk +English so's we'll each of us know what the organization +is about!"</p> + +<p>"Why Marie La Tour!" says Ma, which it's +a fact she only calls me that when she's sore at +me. "Why, Marie La Tour, what is your organization +going to do?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know yet beyond one thing," I says, +"we are going to <i>get together</i> and keep together!"</p> + +<p>And so, without waiting for a come-back or +any embarrassing questions, I hustled into a +simple little grey satin Trotteur costume which +is French for pony-clothes and left that homefull +of heavy-weight traitors where a radical +parrot yelled "Anarchy" from morning till +night, and even the steam radiators had commenced +to smell like dynimite. And having +shut the door after me with quite some explosion<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> +myself, I had the limousine headed to the +White Kittens Annual Ball Assn., which I was +due at it on account of all the most prominent +ladies in picture and theatrical circles being on +the committee and I naturally being indespensible +if only for the value of my name. So +I started off but not before I noticed that the +same plain-clothes John was again perched opposite +my front door.</p> + + +<h3> III</h3> + +<p>All the way to the Palatial Hotel which the +meeting is always held in the grand ballroom +of, I kept getting more and more worked up. +Things had certainly gone too far when Bolshevism +had spread from the parlor to the +kitchen or visa-versa, I didn't know which, and +my own Ma being undoubtedly watched by +the more or less Secret Service, all because of +her having taken a fancy to them whiskers of +this Kiskoff cockoo, which is the only explanation +I could make of it, and after being a widow +twenty years she aught to of been ashamed of +herself. Still, it was a better explanation for +her to of lost her head than her patriotism, +and I tried to think this the case. And my own<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> +position was something to bring tears to a +glass eye, what with my well-known war-work +and a perfectly good husband still in the +service. And I had made a threat to take action, +and had no idea what it would be, only +that now I certainly had to deliver the goods.</p> + +<p>Well anyways, in despair and the limousine, +I finally arrived at the Palatial and there in +the lobby was several other White Kittens +which were also late, so we give each other's +clothes the once-over and asked after our +healths and etc., and then hurried up in the +elevator to where the meeting had already commenced.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, my mind stuck to that meeting +about as good as a W.S.S. which has been +in your purse a month does when you find your +card. The room was as full as could be with +the biggest crowd I ever knew to turn out for +it. But somehow while I am generally pretty +well interested in any crowd, this time nothing +seemed to register except my own thoughts. +Even the chairlady couldn't hold my attention +partially because she was Ruby Roselle, and +what they wanted to elect that woman for I +don't know because her head is certainly not +the part of her which earned her theatrical<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> +reputation and a handsome back is no disgrace +and if that and a handful of costume is art far +be it from me to say anything: but it is neither +refinement nor does it make a good executor +for a live organization like the Kittens. And +what is more, any woman which had her nose +changed from Jewish to Greek right in the +middle of a big feature fillum can't run any +society to suit me, not to mention the fact that +as I sat there watching her talk I come slowly +to realize that she had several jewels and a couple +of friends which was found to be pro-Germans +and been interned, although nothing was +ever proved onto Ruby herself.</p> + +<p>Still, coming on top of what I had been going +through the last couple of days, I took a +sudden suspicion of her being lady-chairman +to one of America's oldest organizations of the +female gender, it having been formed 'way +back in 1911. And what is furthermore, as I +sat there hating her with her synthetic Christian +nose and her genuine Jewish diamonds, +the big idea come at last—a way to at once get +something started before she did, because how +did I know but she'd have the orchestra play +"die Watch on Rinewine," and feed us on +weenies and pumpernickle for supper at the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> +ball if something radical wasn't done at once? +That is, I mean radical in the right sense, of +course. So when she says "Any other remarks?" +I jumped to my feet quick before she +could say "the meeting is injoined."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Miss Ruby Schwartz Roselle, there +is," I said. "I will be obliged to have the floor +a minute."</p> + +<p>"You can have it for all of me, dearie," says +Ruby, sweetly, as she recognized her enemy. +"Miss Marie La Tour has the floor."</p> + +<p>And then without hardly knowing what I +was doing and forgetting even to feel did my +nose need powder before I commenced, I began +talking with something fluttering inside +me like a bird's wing. You know—a feeling +like a try-out before a big-time manager. But +behind the scare, the strength of knowing you +can deliver the goods.</p> + +<p>"Ladies and fellow or, I should say, sister-Kittens!" +I commenced. "There was a time +when the well-known words 'Now is the time +for all good men to come to the aid of the +party' so thrilled America that it has become +not alone printed in all copy books, but is the +first sentence which is learned by every typewriter. +But since then times have changed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> +until, believe you me, now is the time for all +good parties to come to the aid of the nation +in order to show all which are not Americans +first just where they get off, and ladies, we +here assembled are a party not to be scorned, +what with a sustaining membership of over five +hundred, and more than a thousand one-dollar +members. And what is more, though admittedly +mere females we have a vote in most +places now, including this state, and while I +have no doubt you have always intended to be +good citizens, having the vote you are now +obliged to be so."</p> + +<p>There was quite a little clapping at this, so +I was encouraged to go on, although Ruby's +voice says "Out of Order!" twice. Well, I +couldn't see anybody that was behaving disorderly, +so I just went ahead with my idea.</p> + +<p>"And so my idea is this," I says. "That all +Americans, whether lady or gentleman citizens, +should get together in one big association for +U. S. A. Actually get together instead of +leaving things be. An association is, as I +understand it, intended for purposes of association. +And why not simply associate each +association with every other, canning all small +private schemes and party interests on the one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> +grand common interest of Bolsheviking the +Bolsheviks? I'm sure that if all parties concerned +will forget they are Democrats or Republicans +or Methodists or Suffragists—even +whether they are ladies or gentlemen, and remember +they are Americans, nothing can ever +rough-house this country like Europe has been +in several places, for in Union is Strength, in +God we Trust, but He helps those who helps +themselves, and if we'll only drop our self-interests +and make the union our first idea, God +help the foreigners which tries to help themselves +to our dear country!"</p> + +<p>By this time the girls was giving me a hand +the like of which I never had before on stage +or screen, because their hearts were in them. +Do you get me? You do! And it was quite +a spell before Ruby could get order, although +she kept pounding with the silver cat's-paw of +her office. Finally, when she could make herself +heard, she says very sarcastic,</p> + +<p>"And how does Miss La Tour suggest we +commence?" she says.</p> + +<p>"By unanimously voting ourselfs 'The +White Kittens Patriotic Association of America,'" +I says at once. "Call a extra meeting +to change the constitution temporarily from<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> +annual Balls and festivals for the benefit of +indignant members, to a association for associating +with other associations as before suggested. +Use part of the money from the ball +just arranged for, to advertise our idea in +newspapers and billboards, and believe you me, +by the time we ladies get that far, some gentleman's +association will be on the job to show +us a practical way to use ourselves!"</p> + +<p>Well, the Kittens seemed to think this all +right, too, and in spite of Ruby, the next meeting +was called and we broke up in high excitement, +and I was surrounded by admiring +friends all anxious to tell me they felt the same +as me, and so forth and etc. And finally, after +I had been treated to lunch by several of them, +not including Ruby, I collapsed into my limousine, +and said home James, and set my face +flat-ward with a brave heart which knew no +fear on account of having accomplished something +worth while. Even the sight of the obtrusively +unobtrusive bull still waiting like the +wolf at the door, didn't dampen my spirit.</p> + +<p>And it was not until I got upstairs that I +commenced realizing that my own home would +be the first place to set in order, and how could +I be a great American female leader with a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span> +Bolshevist mother and a German cook, and +how could I preach a thing with one hand and +not practice it with the other? Of course, I +could fire the cook, but how about Ma? It +was she herself settled that part of it the moment +I stepped into the parlor, for there she +was all alone except for the two dogs, and +what was more, all of a heap, beside.</p> + +<p>"Well, thank goodness, you decided to come +home, Mary Gilligan!" she says. "Something +awful has happened!"</p> + +<p>"Not Jim?" I gasps, my heart nearly stopping, +for he is always the first thing I think +of.</p> + +<p>"Jim, nothing!" says Ma. "It's poor Kiskoff!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, him!" I says, relieved. "What of it?"</p> + +<p>"They arrested him this morning!" says Ma, +all broken up, the poor fish! "Arrested him +just before the meeting!"</p> + +<p>"Good!" I says. "I knew they would. The +hound, he couldn't go around forever talking +Bolshevism!"</p> + +<p>"It wasn't for that," says Ma.</p> + +<p>"Then for what?" I says, blankly.</p> + +<p>"For back alimony!" says Ma, almost in +tears. "It seems he married a girl out in Kan<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span>sas +several years ago, and they parted when +the circus left, and it wasn't Russian he was +talking, but Yiddish! He speaks English as +well as me."</p> + +<p>"And I suppose you'll tell me next that he +wasn't talking Bolshevism," says I.</p> + +<p>"He wasn't—he was only asking them to +join the circus-workers' union Local 21—" +says Ma. "He explained it all to the cops!"</p> + +<p>"Ma!" I demanded solemnly, a light coming +over me. "Ma, have you honestly got any idea +what this Bolshevism <i>is?</i> Come on, own up!"</p> + +<p>"Certainly!" she says. "It's something like +Spiritualism or devil-worship, ain't it? A sort +of fancy religion!"</p> + +<p>"Nothing so respectable!" I says very sharp, +yet awful relieved that I had guessed the truth. +"No such thing. Bolshevism is Russian for +sore-head. Religion my eye! It's about as +much a religion as small-pox is!"</p> + +<p>Oh! the handicap of having no education! +I certainly felt sorry for Ma. But I needn't +of because she give me one of them looks of +hers which always turns my dress to plaid calico +and pulls my hair down my back again.</p> + +<p>"Well, daughter, why didn't you say so in +the first place?" she says, just as if she'd caught<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> +<i>me</i> in a lie. But I let it pass and apologized, +I was so glad to find she was a fake. And Ma +promised to leave them low circus people alone +for a spell and come back to the White Kittens +again. I then announced I was going out +and fire Anna. At that a look of terror came +over Ma's face, and she restrained me by the +sleeve.</p> + +<p>"Be careful how you go near that kitchen!" +she says warningly.</p> + +<p>"For heaven's sakes, Ma!" I says. "What's +wronger than usual out there?"</p> + +<p>"I dunno, but I think something is!" she +says. "I believe it's a bomb!"</p> + +<p>"A bomb!" I says. "Whatter you mean?"</p> + +<p>"Anna is out to market," says Ma, "and +the one with the black beard like poor Kiskoff's +brought it. 'For Anna,' says he, and +shoved it at me, and snook off down the stairs +like a murderer."</p> + +<p>"Brought <i>what?"</i> I says.</p> + +<p>"The bomb, of course!" says Ma, impatient +herself.</p> + +<p>"How do you know it's one?" I says, a little +uneasy and wishing I had fired Anna before +she got this swell chance of firing us.</p> + +<p>"Well, it looks just like the one in the picture<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> +where them three Germans blew theirselves +up in the newspaper!" says she. "And +it ticks."</p> + +<p>"My Gawd!" I says. "Where is the thing?"</p> + +<p>"On the kitchen-table," says Ma.</p> + +<p>"Well," I says, bravely. "I think I aught +to take a look at it anyways."</p> + +<p>"I wished you wouldn't," says she. But +she came down the hall after me like the loyal +mother she is, and the two of us stopped at the +threshhold as the poet says.</p> + +<p>And there, sure enough, in the middle of +the spotless oilcloth on the kitchen table lay +a mighty funny looking package, about the +size of a dish-pan and done up in that black +oil-cloth them foreigners seem so fond of. +And between yells from that radical parrot, +who commenced his "I love Anarchy!" the +moment he set eyes on us, we could hear that +evil-looking package tick as plain as day.</p> + +<p>Well, what with a mother and a father both +practically born on the centre trapese and used +myself to taking chances since early childhood, +I don't believe I'm more of a coward than most. +But I will admit my heart commenced going +too quick at that sight and the radical bird +was as usual loose in the place, and didn't make<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> +my nerves any easier. But a stitch in time +often saves a whole pair of silk ones, and remembering +this, I took some quick action. I +turned up my georgette crepe sleeves, and the +front of my skirt so's not to splash it, and made +straight for the sink, keeping my eye on the +centre-table all the while.</p> + +<p>"Look out!" screams Ma. "What are you +going to do?"</p> + +<p>"Throw cold water on it!" I says. And +filling the dish-pan I took a long sling with +it, and pretty near drowned the kitchen table, +to say nothing of the scare I threw into Frits. +As soon as he quit, we listened again, but +my efforts had been in vain, for the thing +was still ticking—slow, loud ticks, and very +alarming.</p> + +<p>"No good!" I says, sadly. "We'll have to +take severer measures!"</p> + +<p>"Well, what'll they be?" says Ma.</p> + +<p>"There's a plain-clothes cop outside looking +for trouble," says I grimly, "and here is +where I hand him a little," says I.</p> + +<p>And then, without waiting even to roll down +the georgettes, I hurried to the window and +looked out. Like most cops, he couldn't be +seen at first when wanted, but finally he came<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span> +into view and I tried to catch his attention, +but was unable to at first. But finally he +heard me and looked up, and I beckoned.</p> + +<p>"Bomb!" I says. "Hurry up!"</p> + +<p>And did he hurry? He did! I would not +of believed a man his size could do it, but he +must of beat the elevator, for it never brought +me up that fast. When I let him in, his lack +of surprise was the most alarming thing which +had yet been pulled. He evidently <i>expected</i> +a bomb to be here.</p> + +<p>"By golly, we'll get them now!" he says +triumphantly. "We been watching this place +for two months on account of having it +straight that there is a bunch of Bolshevist +bomb makers in this building or the next one, +and this is the first time anything has stirred! +Where is your bomb? Lead me to it!"</p> + + +<h3> IV</h3> + +<p>Well, I didn't lead him exactly. Since he +was so set up about it, I let him go ahead, but +Ma and me followed close behind and told +him the way and everything. When he came +to the kitchen door Frits let out a yell "Anarchy! +I love Anarchy!" and you aught to of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> +seen the cop stagger in his tracks for a minute. +But he came to immediate, and we all stood +at attention while he give that bundle the once-over. +It was ticking away as strong as ever.</p> + +<p>"Hey! get me a pail of water, quick!" says +the cop. I did it, and then, I will certainly +give him credit for it, he grabbed up the bundle +and plunged it in with both hands just as +Anna come in at the door.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, I never saw anything so +funny as what happened then. The cop took +his hands out the water and stood there dripping +and staring at her.</p> + +<p>"Hello, Anna!" he says. "What you doing +here?"</p> + +<p>"Ay bane working!" says Anna. "How you +bane, Mike?"</p> + +<p>"Pretty good!" he says. "But kind of busy +with a bomb we got here. Stand off while I +take a look. It has quit ticking and I guess +it's drownded!"</p> + +<p>He lifted the wet bundle out, and the minute +Anna sees it she set up a yell as good as +one of her pet parrot's.</p> + +<p>"That bane mine!" she says, making a grab +for it. But Mike held her off.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Yours, eh?" he says, severely. <i>"Yours!</i> +Well, we'll just have a look at it, my girl!"</p> + +<p>With which he undid the string, unfolded the +oilcloth, and there was a big new alarm-clock +with the price still on it—2 beans—and a +round, heavy cheese!</p> + +<p>"Bane youst a present from may feller!" +says Anna coyly.</p> + +<p>Well, did we feel cheap? We did. And +in addition to that Mike, the smart and brave +young cop, was disappointed something terrible.</p> + +<p>"Who is this Anna?" I asked him soon's I +got my breath.</p> + +<p>"Oh, a Swede girl—I know her a long time," +he says foolishly. "Used to entertain me in +the basement when I was on the regular force. +She's <i>some</i> cook! You're lucky to have her."</p> + +<p>And just then this ex-pro-German Bolshevist +cook we was so lucky to have starts to yell +again!</p> + +<p>"Frits! Oy! Frits!" she says. "He bane +gone! Make un yoump back!"</p> + +<p>And sure enough, there was Frits on the +fire-escape of the flat next to us. He had give +one hop and a flutter and got across, where he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> +sat, silent for once in his life and giving us +the evil-eye.</p> + +<p>"Yoump back," says the cook in passionate +entriety. "Yoump back to your Aniky that +you love! All day you yell you love may an' +now you leave may!"</p> + +<p>And as she said them words still another +weight was lifted from my shoulders, although +not from hers, for instead of jumping +back, that radical bird which it seemed was +not a radical after all and acting like the most +conventional parrot in the world, commenced +to climb up the fire-escape of the other apartment +house, like he was leaving us forever.</p> + +<p>"Yoump!" implored Anna, but he just +climbed, instead.</p> + +<p>"Here, wait, and I'll get him!" says Mike. +"Glad to do it, Anna. I can step across easy +enough!"</p> + +<p>Anna held his coat, and he swung hisself over +to the other side almost as neat as a picture-actor, +and commenced following that mean-hearted +bird up and up, story after story, until +that animal led him in at a open window +about three flats above. We waited in silence +and, believe you me, I had about commenced +to believe that bird and he was never coming<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> +out again, when down comes Mike, the bird +tucked into his vest, his face simply purple +with excitement. I never seen any acrobat +work swifter or quieter than he did. He landed +on the kitchen floor and closed the window +behind him before he even give Anna her bird.</p> + +<p>"The telephone!—quick! The telephone—headquarters +at once—I've got that guy this +time at last! And to think that a damn bird +had to find him for me!"</p> + +<p>And it was the truth. Frits, far from being +an alien, was a good little American parrot +and had actually led the cop to the very place +he had been looking for all that while, and +they arrested two guys and everything!</p> + +<p>And after they got through the phone rang +and there was Goldringer's voice.</p> + +<p>"The aeroplane has come, Miss La Tour," +he says. "When will you be over?"</p> + +<p>"First thing in the morning!" I says, relieved +to think of a quiet day ahead. Ain't it +grand to have work you love to do? It's so +restful!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + <h2>VI</h2> + + + <h3>THE GLAD HAND</h3> + + + <h3>I</h3> + +<p><span class="smcap">I see</span> a piece in the paper where that ex-leading +headliner of the old German Big-Time +Circuit, William Hohenzollern, him that used +to appear in the spiritualistic act known as +"Me and God," claims he had no hand in +starting those fireworks in Europe which has +recently ended in a Fourth of July celebration. +And although myself a good American +and looking with doubt upon any statement +known to be German, I am sort of inclined +to believe him. At any rate, to believe that +he was not the whole cheese in the matter, but +only a sort of limp limberger, or swiss, and +full of holes. Because it's my experience personally +myself, that a strong personality with +a clean-cut idea can usually get a thing done +if they elect theirself boss and stick on the +job until it is finished, but if they call a committee<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span> +meeting and discuss the action before +them, the whole idea is likely to get stalled. +Why, look at Congress! Not that I, being +a mere lady of the female sect, know why or +how they get stalled, or on just what. But +it's a cinch they do and are, and you can prove +it by any editorial page in the country. And +it seems that Billy the Bone-head, confessed +to the reporter, which managed to get this +Sunday story printed, that a committee meeting +of Yonkers or something was called about +the war, he, Bill the Badman, not having the +bean to go to it alone, and it was them ruined +the war, or so he says. Which goes to show +that not alone in the theatrical and moving-picture +worlds do the heads of departments +alibi their flivvers, but also in the King-business, +and it's a habit which may even yet ruin +the former, as it pretty near has the latter, +unless they quit shirking and deliver better +goods. Because if the Head Has-Been had +had any real thinker and had thought up the +war all by his little self and forced it on his +book-keeper, cashier and so forth, he might of +got away with it like Napoleon and Rockefeller +and Eva Tanguay and a lot of them<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> +which has thrust riches and success upon theirselves.</p> + +<p>But no committee can ever do that sort of +thing. It takes a single-handed personality, +and I guess mabe the biggest bluff Germany +has had to confess to is her ex-leader. He +seems the A-1 example of how true it is that +well-known tailors' ad, "Clothes make the +man." Also it inspires me to invent a quotation +to hang beside the famous one of Shakespeare's, +I think it is "Do it now!" which you +see so often, mine being "Do it yourself!" +Well, you will if you are the able one on a +committee. Everybody which has served on +one knows that every committee is composed +of the one which does all the work and three to +six others which uses most of their vitality and +imagination in thinking up excuses and offering +them.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, the foregoing is why I simply +eliminated the other members of my +Theatrical Ladies' Committee of Welcome to +Our Returning Heroes. And eliminating +them was so simple, too. I just didn't call any +committee. And why would I, what with the +knowledge I had gained through former experiences? +Believe you me, a lady which<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> +learns by experience is a great little time-saver, +although admittedly rare, but in my line you +don't fall out of a air-plane more than once, +and any successful picture actress and dancer +like myself will tell you the same. So as to +committees, none for me, thanks just the same, +as the man said to the soda clerk the morning +of July first, 1919 A. D., which is Latin +for Anti-Drinking. Not that I will ever again +try to get into the strong-character class with +the aforementioned celebrities, for a reputation +for doing anything well is as good as a +signed contract to do it. And my advice to +young girls is, don't let it be known you can +do anything well or you'll have to deliver constantly. +Look as ignorant as possible whenever +anything is suggested except the thing +you are burning to get after, or your time will +be taken up with a lot of useless side-lines that +get you nowheres. There is a person for every +job if you just let the job alone until the right +person finds it. Did you ever notice the way +simps which can't do a thing always get it +done for them? You have! Well—from this +on, here's where I look like a poor fish whenever +anybody outside of a motion-picture magnate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span> +or a theatrical manager makes a noise +like work to be done.</p> + +<p>All the amateur stuff can be taken care of +by the sweet womanly women who ain't got +anybody to support except their dressmakers, +and not by a mere professional earning near +a hundred thousand a year like I. My final +lesson on working with volunteer boards and +committees is a un-wept memory, and believe +you me, that Chateau Terry battle had nothing +on some of the War Relief Committee +board rooms I seen in executive session and +keep the home fires burning is right, we done +it, especially the White Kittens Belgian Relief, +which it's a fact we nearly split over +whether we'd print our postcard appeals on +pink or yellow cards!</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> +<p>Well, anyways, I suppose these relief committees +was a big help to them that was on +them if not to any one else, and after all a lot +of money somehow got left to do good with +after expenses was paid. But the biggest relief +I know of come from relieving ourselfs +of them relief committees, and the last of all +was the Welcome Home one.</p> + +<p>I wouldn't of gone on it in the first place<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> +only I was so low in my mind. And who +wouldn't be a little low even with my cheery +disposition after such a morning as I went +through, first commencing with the loss of +Maude.</p> + +<p>Not that I had ever liked her nor 'Frisco, +her husband, either, but losing her was worse +than living with her any day, and when Ma +come in and broke the news I wasn't in any +mood for it, struggling as I was over the joint +contract which Goldringer had just sent on +from Los Angeles as a nice surprise and welcome +for Jim which we were expecting to hear +he would be leaving France any day now. It +called for seventy-five thousand per each of +us for six joint pictures, our expenses to the +coast, and I was holding out for a car while +there and a special publicity man of our own +to be paid by them, but chosen by us, meaning +Rosco, which has so faithfully let the public +know every time I sneezed these last five +years and has a way of disguising a two column +ad so's the editor thinks it's a news item.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, I was reading through all +that foreign language portion of this contract +and had waded past about a page of "to wit, +viz.: party of the first part" stuff, which sounds<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> +like it didn't mean anything, but is where they +sometimes slip one over on you, when in come +Ma with a big home-made cruller partly in +her hand and partly in her face. She was +dreadfull agitated but had to get rid of the +first part of the second party before she could +speak, and I put in a few seconds of watchful +waiting, wondering how could she do it, for +Ma had put on at least thirty lbs. the last few +months and believe you me, she was no slif +before then, weighing some amount she would +never tell just what and anybody knows what +that means with a woman. But up to just +recent she had gone through spells where she +was making at least the faint motions of dieting, +or when not that, sighing and saying she +hadn't really ought to over every second helping +but taking it. Do you get me? You do!</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> +<p>Since she had heard Jim was coming back, +however, she had taken to eating everything +in sight regardless. It give me real pleasure +to think of any mother-in-law feeling that way +about her daughter's husband and dancing +partner coming back, for with many mothers +it is nothing of the kind. So I made no remarks<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> +upon the cruller, and finally Ma give +a gulp and gasped out the bad news.</p> + +<p>"Maude is gone!" she says.</p> + +<p>"Gone?" says I. "Whatter you mean, +gone?"</p> + +<p>"I can't find her no place!" says Ma. "And +I looked everywheres!"</p> + +<p>This give me a most unpleasant feeling down +my back, and I got to my feet in a hurry.</p> + +<p>"Are you sure she ain't hid?" I says, "like +the last time," I says.</p> + +<p>"Come and see for yourself!" says Ma, and +I went, you can bet on that! And sure enough, +she wasn't in the box. Ma lifted the wire off +the top and lifted out the two old sofa cushions +we had put in for comfort and only +Maude's husband, 'Frisco, was there. He was +as usual lying in about five coils like a boiler-heater, +with his wicked-looking flat head on +the top, and he stuck out his oyster fork of +a tongue, and give us a little hiss, much as to +say, why was we always disturbing him. But +no Maude.</p> + +<p>"Ma!" I began, catching a guilty look on +her face. "Ma Gilligan, you left that snake +out again! After all the times I ast you not +to!"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well, it was just for a minute!" she says. +"I was playing with her, and then I thought +maybe the crullers I had made was cool by +then and I went and got a few and when I +come back she was gone!"</p> + +<p>"Well, she's got to be found, that's all!" I +snapped. "All this comes from you insisting +on keeping in with them low circus people +and boarding their acts for them!"</p> + +<p>"But Madame Estelle had to stay with her +husband when he fell offen the trapeze and +they so devoted!" says Ma. "And I didn't +take the big snakes—the substitute is using +them—but only her own dear pets which the +landlady wouldn't leave her have in her room."</p> + +<p>"And now one of them is loose in <i>my</i> room!" +I says, "which is the general result of charity +which, as the poet says, had ought to begin +at home," I says. "And you know, Ma, how +I feel about snakes. There's nobody in the +psycopathic ward got anything on me. If +only they had even a few feet instead of so +many yards, I wouldn't mind them so much."</p> + +<p>"Well, now Mary, I'm real sorry," says +Ma. "But not half so sorry as Madame Estelle +will be if anything happens to Maude! +I'm real fond of the little beauty myself, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> +if you had been with a circus all the years +I was, you would understand her better!"</p> + +<p>Well, believe you me, it wasn't a lack of +understanding with me, it was a religious conviction, +and why not, for hadn't them beasts +made trouble beginning with the original eviction +of undesirable tenants, and was I to think +it likely that our own janitor would be any +more lenient if Maude was to get, say, as far +as the elevator? Keeping snakes never got a +tenant in right yet and loose ones might set +the first of May forward as many months as +was necessary. Not to mention my own personal +feelings in the matter, which it's a fact +I once broke a contract on the Small-Time +years ago because a snake-charmer come off +just as I was going on and I used to meet her +and them in the wings every time.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, I will say it for Ma, she +certainly turned in and helped me make a +thorough search for Maude, which was going +some for a lady of her figure. Looking for a +vanished snake in a apartment means considerable +gymnastics, because nothing can be +overlooked with safety, and I didn't want that +parlor-eel slipping anything over on me—especially<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span> +her cold stomach in the middle of +the night across my face, for instance.</p> +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>So I and Ma looked under all the furniture +and in the pedalcase of the pianola and in +the vases and behind the steam radiators, back +of the big gold clock, inside the victrola, under +the rugs, back of the pictures on the wall and +every place:—but no Maude. Finally we +even took a look out in the hall, although we +knew nobody had opened the front door, and +after that we opened the wall safe where we +keep our diamonds in a stocking, this being +a compromise between Ma's habits and my +common-sense. And then we had a peep into +the ice-box where Ma found a saucer of pudding +which she had someways overlooked at +supper but no snake.</p> + +<p>And after we had felt under the bath-tub +with my best lavender umbrella which what +with the limousine it was the first use I ever +had for it, and then taken a forlorn hope into +the soiled-clothes hamper, we give it up, and +sat down with ruined georgette blouses and +perfectly wild looking hair and all heated up +like a couple of wrestlers. Any one coming +in then would of thought we had been indulging<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> +in a family discussion of some kind, and +for a matter of that it's the truth. I said a few +raw remarks about the kind of a home she +run for me and I working as hard as cider to +keep it and now she left snakes around, Gawd +knows where, and how would a artist like myself +get the rest to do justice to my work on +the bomb-explosion scene in the last reel of +"Bosh or Bolshevik?" which I was going to be +shot in only the next day, and if she had to +support me instead of I her, she would have +a right to leave any animals or minerals around +she chose, but this was my flat and although +Gawd knew she was welcome, pretty soon we +would have none if I was to be made a nervous +wreck out of instead of the biggest nerve in +pictures. Yes, I said that and a lot more +pretty mean stuff as only a daughter can—for +even with my refinement I am but a mere human +after all, and under the glittering success +of my career is several common human +failings and at times I act no different from +any less well-known female in the bosom of +my family.</p> + +<p>So I had the last word and Ma was in wrong +and went to get lunch without a come-back +out of her. Alas! Had I but canned that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span> +foolish chatter of mine! But how could I know +she was going to act like she done later because +of it? You can't remember forwards and if a +person could, it's ten to one they'd quit before +they was off the bottle and go back to Heaven +whence they come, life being so full of mistakes +you could of avoided if only you had +done something different from what you did!</p> + + +<h3> II</h3> + +<p>Well, anyways, Ma went back to the kitchen +to fix up a little snack of waffles and honey and +poached eggs on hash and cream-cake and +strawberries with a cup of cocoa and whipped +cream for a light lunch, her lunches being +light about the way a "light" motor truck is, +and I went back to my joint contract and was +so mad I concluded to write into it not alone +expenses and Rosco but a cottage or bungaloo, +as it is called in Los Angeles, while out +there. With which I wrote a refined but firm +letter to Goldringer, saying this was my final +word on the matter and spoke also for Jim. +Then I enclosed the contract and Ma called +out the cocoa was getting cold and so I stamped +and put it in the hall-slot which I never have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> +a feeling any letter going down it is headed +for anybody except maybe the devil, and not +even him unless it don't get stuck on the way. +And then I ate, though not with much appetite, +what with expecting any moment to see Maude +crawl out from some place, and Ma being quiet +to a extent not to be fully accounted for by +three plates of waffles. It wasn't natural in +her, that quiet, but I remembered the doughnuts +and laid it to the sequence. Still I tried +to get her to talk, as talking, if about herself, +generally cheers her quite a lot.</p> + +<p>"Anything ail you, Ma?" I says.</p> + +<p>"Nothing much," says Ma, lighting into the +cream-cake. "Nothing to speak of."</p> + +<p>"Tell me about it then!" I says. But Ma +wouldn't. She heaved a big sigh and handed +me a substitute for what was really on her +mind. It was something just as good, I credit +her for that.</p> + +<p>"You know the stuff you ordered from +Schultz?" she says.</p> + +<p>"You mean the wet goods I ordered to keep +Jim from parching to death this summer?" I +says, because although Jim is far from a real +drinking man, he having his profession of +dancing always in mind even after eleven P. M.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> +and Gawd knows never fails to realize that +sound acrobatics is the basis of all good dancing +which a drunkard never yet was, or at least +not for over two seasons; still, in spite of all +this, Jim is a mere male and a drink or two, +especially if difficult to get, is not by any means +objectionable to him. And beside he had been +two years in France and I didn't want him to +feel it had anything on America when he +come home, even if I had to go so far as to +myself personally replace what Congress had +taken away. Do you get me? You do! And +I had done it as far as my bank account, cellarette +and the liquor-dealer permitted. Which +looked like it was going to postpone the +drought quite sometime for us. And while +here and there stuff like champagne and +brandy and vermouth had to be bought, like +remnants on a bargain counter—just kind of +odds and ends of each—I had one satisfaction +out of the buy, and that was getting a case +of Old Home Rye—absolutely the last case +in the city—probably the last in the whole +entire U. S. A., and it was Jim's one best bet. +A high-ball of this—just one—with his dinner +was about his exact idea of drinking, and I had +calculated that the three gallons, taking it at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span> +his rate would last him pretty near a year, and +by that time some new vice would surely of +been invented to take its place.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> +<p>Well, anyways, I had ordered it and paid +for it, and there wasn't any more of it anywheres, +and it and the contract with Goldringer +was two of the best surprises I had for +Jim.</p> + +<p>"Well," says Ma. "I can't say I approve +of the demon Rum coming into our—your +house, but once money is paid out, I like to +see the goods—<i>all</i> the goods, delivered," she +says.</p> + +<p>"What's this leading up to?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"To the way that man Schultz cheats you!" +says Ma. "He didn't send the Old Home +Rye!"</p> + +<p>Believe you me, never have I been handed +a meaner deal than that, no, not even the night +Goldringer first heard of me and came to see +my try-out for the big time and my pink tights +didn't come.</p> + +<p>"Ma!" says I. "Why don't you call him +up and find out why didn't he?"</p> + +<p>"I've done that!" she says. "And he claims +on his oath it was sent with the rest. I spoke<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> +to the boy which brought it and then to Schultz +himself. They both claim they give it to +Rudie."</p> + +<p>Rudie was the janitor but he had missed +his profession. He had ought to of been a +sleight-of-hand man, for he could make things +disappear in a way which would of delighted +a morning matinée audience, especially those +under twelve years of age. Believe you me, +though, he was never known to make anything +grow where nothing had been before—not rabbits +or even silk handkerchiefs, but it's the truth +that he had onct or twice caused a vanished +quart of cream to reappear if given a sufficiently +hard call quick enough after it was +missed. And the minute I heard he was cast +for a part in my tragedy, I decided to hear +him read his lines right off without no delay, +because it was practically impossible that he +could of got away with more than a quart yet +and I was prepared to go through the business +of believing him when he come to the +description of how he had dropped it by accident +and too bad but it broke.</p> + +<p>Which was all right in theory, but Rudie did +nothing of the kind. Evidently so long as he +was lying he had made up his mind it was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span> +as well to be killed for a case as a quart, as the +poet says, and when I sent for him and he had +kept me waiting while he sifted the ashes and +pounded on the steam pipes and talked to the +garbage man and got a light from the cop and +chatted with the elevator-girl and a few little +odds and ends like that just to show me where +I got off, he finally decided to come up. Well, +it was seven months to Xmas, so what could +I expect? Anyways, he finally made his entrance, +down R. C. to footlights, in my Louis-size +drawing-room, leaving tracks behind him +which Ma spotted with a angry eye as fast as +he laid them, and with all the well-known +courtesy of the proletariat he looked me in the +eye.</p> + +<p>"Well?" he says.</p> + +<p>"Say, Trotsky!" I says, for I had never +liked this bird, as he was on one continued +drunk. "Look here, Lenine," I says, glad of +the chance to insult him. "A case of fine +whisky at sixty dollars net seems to of been +avoidably detained in your dug-out. I expect +that with a little searching you can stumble on +it. And as for that bottle you broke by accident, +don't bother to mention it," I says, "because +I am gladly doing so for you," I says.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span> +"Only kindly find the rest and we will also forget +about this morning's cream."</p> + +<p>Probably I hadn't ought to of been so generous, +for Rudie sort of swayed a little and +give me a pleasant childlike smile out of his +unshaved doormat of a face.</p> + +<p>"Dunno wash you mean!" he says, real pleasant.</p> + +<p>"Jim is right about the kick in that stuff," +I says, eyeing him critically. "You certainly +have a swell bun!"</p> + +<p>"Why, Mish La Tour!" says Rudie. "Don't +drink a dropsh! Never toush it."</p> + +<p>And with that he give a sigh of disappointment +in me which made the place smell like a +bar-room!</p> + +<p>"But of coush I'll shee if itsh down stairsh!" +he says.</p> + +<p>Well, there was no use in arguing with him, +I could see that all right, all right, but I left +him know I wasn't swallowing any such a poor +alibi as his own word.</p> + +<p>"All right, you second-hand shock absorber!" +I says. "Maybe I can't jolt the truth out +of you, but I will hand you one small piece of +information before you take your reluctant departure. +You'll find that whiskey or the cops<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> +will. And if they don't get me a judgment +against you, one will come from heaven, that's +a cinch, for you not only got the stuff, but +you took it off a returning soldier which is a +bigger crime than mere patriotic stealing would +be," I says. "You wait and see what'll happen +to you if you don't come across! We got +a long score to settle, we have, and right always +wins out in the end, and that's my middle +name!"</p> + +<p>Well, he went away very proud and hurt to +think I would suspect him of such a crime, he +being that kind of a drunk. Do you get me? +Of course! Gosh! How I do hate to see a +person in liquor; really, I think prohibition will +be a good thing for all of us, and was myself +only storing up a little, for exceptional reasons. +And when a person begins talking about +federal prohibition and their constitutional +rights I can't help but wonder why they don't +consider it in the physical as well as the political +sense.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, it was a blow to lose that +Old Home, and awful irritating on top of +Maude. And then, while pulling myself into +one of these new accident-policy-destroying +narrow skirts which belongs with what is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> +through courtesy called my new walking suit, +the hall-girl brought the mail and Musette give +it to me in the midst of my negligee and struggles +and I stopped dead when I seen the first +letter, for it was marked "Soldier's Mail" and +only one which has some one expected home +and at the same time welcome, can know how +that particular mark thrills. Musette observed +me register joy so she registers it too, and I +tore open the envelope forgetting the skirt +which had a death-grip on my knees, and +opened up the page in Jim's dear handwriting.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> +<p>Did you ever come to a time in your life +where you had one trouble on top of another +until it seemed like nothing more could possibly +happen except maybe the end of the +world, and then something still worse was +pulled on you? You have! Well, this letter +was pretty near the end of the world to me—at +least a distinct postponement of anything +which could with any truth be called living. +For Jim wasn't coming back with the 70th after +all! As I read his words in that dear boyish +handwriting of his which he never had time +to learn to write better, being like myself quicker<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span> +with his feet than hands, my eyes filled +with tears and I stumbled to the day-bed as +good as I could with the skirt, and sat down. +It seemed he had been put in charge of some +special work in Paris and it might be six +months before he'd get sent home! Six months! +And me getting all ready for a second honeymoon +inside of six weeks! And instead of being +out in the wholesome country with me at +Saratoga or Long Beach or Niagara Falls or +some place, he would be in Paris! That was +what I had to face and any woman will readily +understand my feelings.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, I didn't care for Maude +or the Old Home or the contract or anything +for over three-quarters of a hour. And I had +to wash my face and powder my nose three +times after I was finally dressed on account +of breaking down again when just completed.</p> + +<p>Whenever a person has a real sorrow come +to them the best way to do is control it quick +before it controls you. So after I had indulged +in the womanly weep which certainly +was coming to me, I braced up and got into +the new suit with the idea of taking as brisk a +walk as it would allow of. Then I put on a +new hat which I had intended for my second<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> +honeymoon but which would never see it or +him, as it would undoubtedly be out of style +by the time Europe had made up its mind one +way or another, and I was just going to leave +when the bell rung and Ma come in to say +it was a caller.</p> + +<p>"It's that Mr. Mulvaney from the Welcome +Home Committee, the one that had you on the +'phone yesterday," says Ma. And after a minute +I kind of caught control of myself and says +well, all right, I would see him and went in.</p> + +<p>Well, it sure is strange the birds they pick +out for these deeds of synthetic patriotism. +This one come from the neighborhood of Fourteenth +Street and must of got his appointment +of chief welcomer from the way he give the +glad hand. You would of thought he was +cranking a flivver that wouldn't crank the way +he kept on shaking after any real need was +past. And if he was to of greeted each of the +boys the way he done me, the army wouldn't +be demobilized in our generation! Also he had +a suit on him which spoke for itself and a +watch-chain which must of posed for them in +the cartoons of Capital—do you get me? +Sure! I and he had had a long talk on the +telephone as per above, and so as soon as he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> +left go his cinch on my hand, he got right down +to business.</p> + +<p>"Now, Miss La Tour—er—it—er—gives +me great pleasure to think you will take charge +of the Theatrical Women's Division," he says. +"Er—I am a great admirer of yours—that +picture you done, 'Cleopatria,' now—great +stuff!"</p> + +<p>Well, I let that pass, because how would +such a self important bird as this know my art +when he sees it, and if he enjoyed Theda, why +not leave him be? I changed the subject at +once for fear he would be confusing me with +Caruso next.</p> + +<p>"And so I'm to spend ten thousand of the +hundred thousand iron-men raised by the Welcome +Committee?" I says hastily. "How nice. +What will it go for?"</p> + +<p>"That is for you and your committee to decide," +he says. "I'm sure you will think up +something tasty," he says. "And go to the +limit—we need ideas."</p> + +<p>Well, anybody could see that. But I only +says all right.</p> + +<p>"I suppose you are familiar with committees?" +says this human editorial-page-sketch.</p> + +<p>"I'm never too familiar with anybody," I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> +says stiffly. "But I have been acquainted with +more than one committee."</p> + +<p>"Well, here are the papers I promised you—the general scheme and so forth. The central +committee will meet as is indicated here. +See you at them. Pleased to of seen you off +the screen! You certainly was fine in 'Shoulder +Arms'!"</p> + +<p>And before I could get my breath he had +looked at a handsome watch no bigger than +a orange, humped into his coat and was off in +a shower of language that left me no come-back.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, I was glad when he had +squoze out through our typical apartment hall +and the gilt elevator had snapped him up. For +to hand me ten thousand to spend on welcoming +a bunch of other women's husbands was, to +soft pedal it, rubbing it in. I was only about +as upset as that spilled milk that was cried over +and no wonder at 18 cents a qt. Well, anyways, +it was no light thing to face, going on +with this work and Jim's letter scarcely dry +from my tears. But having promised over the +telephone and being given no chance to refuse +in the parlour, I would keep my word if not my +heart from breaking.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p> + +<p>Because, anyways, if I was simply to do +nothing to occupy myself except maybe a few +thousand feet of fillum and rehearsing my special +dance act for the Palatial and my morning +exercises and walking my five miles a day and +all that quiet home stuff which gives a person +too much time to think, what would I think, +except a lot of unprintable stuff about any administration +which was keeping him in a town +like Paris, France? And the only comfort I +could see in sight was to work hard to give the +boys that <i>was</i> coming a real welcome and remember +that Jim never was a skirt-hound—that +I ever saw.</p> + + +<h3> III</h3> + +<p>Having reached this resolve I decided to go +on the walk I had mapped out anyways, because +what is home with a disappeared snake +in it? And so I started, and as I come past +the door in the lower hall, which its marked +"Superintendent," which is Riverside-Drivese +for Janitor, what would I hear but Rudie singing +to himself out of the fullness of his heart +or something.</p> + +<p>I went out in wrath and the spring sun and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span> +after a while I begun to feel less sore and miserable +in my heart, partially because of the +fresh air and partially through irritation at +the stylish trouser-leg that both of mine was +in. But the day was too sweet for a person to +stay mad long. Ain't it remarkable the way +spring can creep into even a city and somehow +make it enchanted and your heart kind of +perk up and take notice—do you get me? You +do, or Gawd pity you! It's the light, I guess, +just the same as the audience holds hands when +they turn on the ambers with a circular drop +for a sunset or something.</p> + +<p>And by the time I had walked along the +Avenue and seen all the decorations which was +already put up for the first regiments home, +I commenced getting real fired and excited +with my new job. It looked like the powdered-sugar +industry was going to suffer because +about all the plaster in the country seemed to +be being used on arches which looked like dago-wedding +cakes and you actually missed the +dolls dressed like brides and grooms off the top +of them. And here and there was some funny +looking columns of the same white stuff and +on the Public Library steps a bunch of spears +and shields was thrown all over the place just<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span> +as if a big Shakespearian production had suddenly +give it up in despair and left their props +and hoofed it back to Broadway. It certainly +was imposing.</p> + +<p>Up at 59th Street was a arch that looked +like Coney Island frozen solid. It was all of +little pieces of glass:—heavy glass and millions +of pieces. I don't know what good they +did, but they shone something grand, and must +of cost a terrible lot of money. I guessed the +boys would certainly feel proud to march under +it provided none of it fell on their heads.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, by the time I got home my +head was full of imaginary architecture like +Luna Park and Atlantic City jumbled together +with a set I seen in "The Fall of Rome" +when we was shooting it at Yonkers. And +after I had squirmed out of my walking suit +and was a free woman once more, in a negligee, +which is French for kimona which is +Japanese for wrapper, well, anyways, I lay +in it and opened up the evening paper because +I am not one to let the news get ahead +on me and have acquired the habit of reading +it regular the same as my daily bath.</p> + +<p>But it was hard to keep my attention on it +because Maude was still missing and also I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span> +kept thinking, when not of her, of the lovely +arches and so forth my ten thousand would +build. I had about settled on pink-stucco, +with real American beauties strung on it and a +pair of white kittens in plaster—symbol of the +best known Theatrical Ladies Association in +Broadway, and I expect the world—at the +top, when I opened the paper again and I see +something which set my mind thinking.</p> + +<p>"70th will add thousands to ranks of unemployed."</p> + +<p>Yes, that's just what it said. And I went +on and read the piece where it said how enough +men to start a real live city was being fed at +soup-kitchens and bread lines, not in Russia +or Berlin, but right in N. Y. C., N. Y., U. S. +A.! Somehow, coming right on top of all their +arches and so forth, it sort of struck me in the +pit of my stomach and give me the same sinking +sensation like a second helping of griddle-cakes +a hour later—you know! The thought +of all that money going on arches that after +they was once marched under was no good to +anybody but the ones which built them and the +ones which carted them away, had me worried. +Think of all the soup that glass and +plaster would of made! Do you get me? You<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span> +do or you're a simp! And it also besides struck +me that while the incoming boys would undoubtedly +enjoy them city frostings, them +which had already marched under them and +was now in the bread-line must be kind +of fed up with it. Then I thought of the ten +thousand intrusted to me to spend which had +been gladly given in small sections by willing +citizens who wanted to do some little thing +to show appreciation to the boys which had +went over there, and I begun to realize I had +been told I could spend it anyways I wanted +to.</p> + +<p>And when I thought of that pink arch and +roses I blushed, although nobody had, fortunately, +heard me mention it, except the two +fool dogs, aloud.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, I then see like a bolt from +the blue, as the poet says, that arches was +all right in their way but they was in the traffic's +way at best and made mighty poor eating. +And so naturally with Ma having it continually +before me, I thought of ten thousand +dollars worth of eats, because while there is +quite a lot of red X canteens for men in uniform, +how about the poor birds which had just +got out of a uniform and not yet got into a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> +job? Besides there is something kind of un-permanent +about food unless a salary to get +more with follows it as a chaser.</p> + +<p>And so I lay there in comfort all but for +the thought of Maude, and figured and figured +what would I do. It seemed it was a +cinch to get money from people to give the +boys a welcome but what to spend it on was +certainly a stiff one. But after a while I commenced +to get a idea. Which it's a fact I am +seldom long without one when needed which +together with my great natural talent is what +has made me the big success I am.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> +<p>Work! That was the welcome the boys +needed. Work and a little something substantial +to start on. So this is what I figured. Suppose +we was to divide up that ten thousand, +how many boys would it take care of, and +how?</p> + +<p>Say we had ten men. A thousand each. +Too much, of course. Twenty men. Five +hundred per ea. Still too much. Well, then +forty men. Two fifty. Well, they could use it +of course, but it was not a constructive idea. It +was too much for a present and not enough +to invest. So how about 80. Well, that was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> +$125. per man. This was doing something +pretty good by eighty men that would very +likely need it, but it seemed sort of unfair not +to take in more of the boys. So I split it again +and had one hundred and sixty boys with +$62.50 in their pockets.</p> + +<p>Well, I felt kind of good over this idea +and there was only two real troubles with it +which is to say that $31.25 for three hundred +and twenty boys looked nicer if there was +only some way to handle it right. But how?</p> + +<p>I put in another hard think and then I got it. +The way to make that $31.25 a real present +was to make it a payment on something and +then with the other hand pass out a job at the +same time, which would not alone keep the +soldier but allow him to cover the difference.</p> + +<p>And to get away with this all I needed now +was a popular investment and 320 perfectly +good steady jobs.</p> + +<p>Well, with the Victory Loan the first part +was easy enough, and I concluded to pay +twenty-five dollars on each of three hundred +and twenty one hundred dollar victory notes, +making myself responsible for the lot the same +as if I was a bank and getting a job for each +note and having the giver of the job hold the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> +note on the soldier and pay me the instalments +and I would pay myself back, or if not nobody +would be stung outside of me, supposing +any one of them failed to come across. I was +going to take a big lot for myself and another +ten didn't much matter.</p> + +<p>And then with the remaining $6.25 each, +well, I would pool that for leaflets enough to go +around the whole division and on the leaflet I +would have printed the facts and a list of the +jobs and just what they was, with how much +kale per week went with them, and see that +the boys got them while the parade was forming +and then it would be up to them, because +the home folks can only do so much and then +it's up to the army their own selves just as +with munitions and sugar and red X work +while the big show was on. They did the work +but we gave them the job—we and the Germans. +And now all we could do again was to +give them a job—and it's enough, judging +from how they went after the first one.</p> + +<p>And then, just as I come smack up against +the awful fact of where would I get them jobs +Ma come in and says the hot-dogs and liberty-cabbage +which it's the truth we always translate +them into American at our table, was getting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span> +cold and as long as I was paying for them +I'd better eat them while they was fit. So +I says all right and we went in and did so.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, it certainly is a remarkable +thing the way you start on a afternoon's work +like I done, all full of vigor and strength and +how your ideas and courage and everything will +sort of leak away toward the time to put on +the feed-bag at Evensong. And how again +the ideas and pep comes back in the evening +once you have eaten. There was almost perfect +silence the first few minutes we sat down +or would of been except for Ma taking her +tea out of the saucer, which I can't learn her +not to do and the only way I keep her from +disgracing me at the Ritz and etc., is to make +sure she don't order it. But when the first +pangs was attended to I commenced to feel +more conversational.</p> +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>"Work," I says, thinking of what I had +been thinking of. "Work is the one thing that +stands by a person. Everything else in life +can go bluey and their work will see them +through. That's why it's been so popular all +these years, and where these Bolsheviks make +their big mistake. Because they don't work<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span> +and not working they get bored to death and +so they commence rioting. Do you remember +that quotation from that well-known cowboy +poet, Omaha Kiyim, "Satan will find business +still for idle hands to do?" How good +that applies to strikes—idle hands—ain't that +perfect? And it written so long ago!"</p> + +<p>"How long?" says Ma.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I dunno. Maybe three hundred +years," I says.</p> + +<p>Ma laid down her knife and spoon, she being +quite entirely through, and looked me in +the eye.</p> + +<p>"I will remember them words, daughter," +she says very solemn.</p> + +<p>And it's the truth I never noticed how serious +she was about it until I come to look +back on it nearly three weeks later.</p> + + +<h3> IV</h3> + +<p>And during that time which has been so +immortally fixed in writing by the grandest +book with the same name, I was as busy as +the great American cootie is supposed to be +on his native hearth—only it ain't that piece +of furniture but another, of course. Do you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> +get me? I'm afraid so! Well, I was as busy +as what you think. To begin with I called +a committee-meeting in the privacy of my +grey French enamel boudoir where I wear my +boudoir cap and have the day-bed hitched and +this committee meeting consisted entirely of +myself and the two fool dogs. And after I +had gone through all the motions, I appointed +myself a sub-committee of one to carry out +the meeting's resolutions and do all the work.</p> + +<p>This is about what would of happened if +I had done it the regular way and asked Ruby +Roselle and Maison Rosabelle and the other +girls. We would of had a mahogany table +and a gavel and a pitcher of ice-water and a +lot of hot-air and a wasted morning and in +the end I would of been the goat anyways, so +I thought why not do it single-handed in the +first place and be done? I could print all their +names on the leaflets and they would be perfectly +satisfied.</p> + +<p>So having got over the necessary formalities +as you might say, I accepted the nomination +and got to work. Fortunately I wasn't +doing anything except a solo dance at the +Palatial at supper-time and one picture. And +so I had most of my days to myself. The Fixings<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span> +on the Avenue grew and blossomed and +so did my contribution to the Welcome Home +Committee. I didn't get to go to any of their +meetings but I don't imagine they even missed +me at the time. And while the arches and other +motion-picture scenery was being as completed +as they ever would be, so was my list. My +monument took up less space, but when you +gave it the once-over it seemed maybe a little +more rain-proof than the others. Apparently +all there was to it was slips of paper six by +eight with this printed on them. At the top +it says:</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">"welcome home"<br /> + +"howdy boys, and our heartfelt thanks!<br /> + +do you need a job? here are three hundred<br /> +and twenty and a victory note<br /> + +goes with every one!"</span></p> + + +<p>Then come the list. I will put down a part +of it so you can realize what a assortment of +things has to be done to keep the seive in civilization.</p> + +<blockquote><p>4 handsome juveniles for motion-picture +work—stage experience unnecessary.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span></p> + +<p>2 experienced camera men.</p> + +<p>2 marcel-wavers.</p> + +<p>6 chemists, Marie La Tour Complexion +Powder Co.</p> + +<p>2 salesmen, Marie La Tour Turkish Cigarette +Co.</p> + +<p>16 waiters, Palatial Hotel.</p> + +<p>1 traveling man, Marie La Tour Silk +Underwear Co.</p> + +<p>2 experienced lineotypers, Motion Picture +Gazette.</p> + +<p>2 experienced pressmen, Motion Picture +Gazette.</p> + +<p>1 publicity man, experienced, Motion Picture +Gazette.</p> + +<p>3 fillum cutters.</p> + +<p>1 stylish floorman. Must be handsome and +refined, not over 30. Apply Maison Rosabelle, +Hats and Gowns.</p> + +<p>1 orchestra complete, with leader. Apply +"Chez La Tour" (my old joint of parlour-dancing +days).</p> + +<p>30 chorus men.</p> + +<p>2 sparring partners for Madame Griselda, +the famous lady-boxer.</p></blockquote> + +<p>And etc, add affinities, as the Romans used +to say. And every one a real genuine job<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span> +paying good money. And getting them nailed +was no cinch, believe you me, except, of course, +I being such a prominent person I didn't have +as much trouble as some would of. Especially +where a firm was using my name on something, +they could hardly refuse me. I seen everybody +personally myself, and only the bosses +and in the end nobody had turned me down +except the one from which I had bought my +new bear-cat roadster for Jim's welcome home +present and it was <i>some</i> roadster, being neatly +finished in pale lavender with yellow running-gear +and a narrow red trim and tapestry upholstery +on the seats which was so low and +easy you involuntarily started to pull up the +blankets after you got settled. You know, the +kind of a car you have to look up from to see +which way the cop is waving.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, you would of thought the +bird which had sold it to me for cash money, +him being the manager of the luxurious car-corrall +himself, would offer to take on some +of the boys. But no, he says there was too many +auto salesmen in the world already, and that +they had ought to be diverted into selling some +of the new temperance drinks where their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span> +trained imagination would undoubtedly be of +great value.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, he was the only one turned +me down and I had the slips printed and +stored away in a couple of cretone hat-boxes +and commenced allotting the victory-note +pledges. And then I tripped over the fact that +I was a job short. There was the stuff all +printed, and a job too short and it the night +before the big parade! Well, I decided that +when the time come I would make the extra +job if I couldn't find it, and believe you me, I +was as wore out looking for them as a Ham +with his hair cut like a Greenwich village masterpiece. +Not that I ever saw one and I have +often wondered where the artists which drew +them that way, did.</p> + +<p>But in the meantime I had got hold of the +Dahlia sisters, and Madame Broun and La +Estelle, and Queenie King and a lot of other +easy-lookers and had it all fixed for them to +be on hand below Fourteenth Street at ten +o'clock to give out the slips while the boys was +mobilizing or whatever they call it. And then +just as I was getting into the limousine with +Musette and the two cretone hat boxes full and +the two fool dogs and Ma, who would come up<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span> +to me but Ruby Roselle with a new spring set +of sables which it is remarkable how she does +it in burlesque, still far be it from me to say +a word about any person, having been in the +theatrical world too long not to realize that it +is seldom as red as it is painted and that the +coating of black is only on the outside.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, up she comes from her new +flat which is only two doors from mine and a +awful mean look in those green eyes of hers +under a sixty dollar hat that looked it, while +mine cost seventy-five and looked fifteen, which +is far more refined only Ruby would never believe +that: which is one main difference between +her and I. And she stopped me with +one of those deadly sweet womanly smiles and +says in a voice all milk and honey and barbed +wire, she says:</p> + +<p>"How's this, dearie, about the Theatrical +Ladies Committee," she says. "I only just +heard of it from Dottie Dahlia," she says. +"What was it made you leave me off?"</p> + +<p>Well, seeing that the armistice was not yet +broken I felt I might let her distribute a few +leaflets, although I had left her name off the +signatures at the bottom on account of her +never having proved she wasn't a alien enemy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span> +to anything besides dramatic art, which hadn't +to be proved. So I handed her a string of +talk about this being a small affair and how +I had thought she would of been too busy to +do anything just now, which made her mad +because there is some talk on account of that +she wasn't working just then. But she took +a few leaflets and read the signature at the +bottom. "Theatrical Ladies' Welcome Committee" +and got real red in the face.</p> + +<p>"Why, my friend Mr. Mulvaney spoke to +me about this!" she says. "I was to of been +treasurer, or something! Do you mean to say +you spent ten thousand dollars on <i>them!"</i> and +she pointed to the leaflets like a one-act small-time.</p> + +<p>"Yep!" I says. "Take 'em home and try +'em on your piano!" I says. "But you will +have please to pardon me now. I got to beat +it!"</p> + +<p>And with that I climbed in with the rest of +the family and we was rushed down town to +N. Y.'s Bohemian Quarter, where the 70th +Division was about to hang around waiting to +parade. Which it is certainly remarkable the +places the highly moral U. S. A. Government +picks out for her soldiers to wait about in say<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span> +from Paris to Washington Square, and I think +their wives and sweethearts have stood for a +good deal of this sort of thing, to say nothing +of wives and sisters being kept from going +abroad. I don't know have any homes been +broken up this way, but I will say that Marsailles +and Harlem would of listened better +to the patiently waiting homebodies.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, down we went to the amateur +white lights, and by the time we reached +Twenty-Third we begun to run into bunches +of the boys. Bands was playing and all, and—oh +my Gawd, what's the use trying to tell +about it? There was plenty to tell, but ain't +every one <i>seen</i> it? If not at N. Y. C., why in +some town which may be more jay but with +its heart in the right place, and the heart is +the thing which counted this time as per usual. +Believe you me, mine was in my throat and so +was everybody elses when they seen them lean +brown boys with their grown-up faces!</p> + +<p>Well, we stopped down to Eleventh and +Sixth and got out and commenced walking +around handing out the leaflets, and at first +they weren't taking 'em very seriously, but +pretty soon they began to get on to who I was +and of course that caught them and a good<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span> +many tucked the slips inside their tin hats +and all of them pretty near had seen me in +"The Kaiser's Killing" and I got pretty near +as big a ovation as I had tried to offer them. +And as for the parade they was very good-natured, +but it seemed to me that as usual the +stay-at-homes in the grandstands was getting +the best of it and the boys doing all the work, +for parading, no more than a first-class dancing +act, ain't quite the pleasure to the ones that does +it, that it is to them that only stands and waits, +as the saying is.</p> + + +<h3> V</h3> + +<p>The crowds on the Avenue was something +fierce, and the only ones which had the right +of way, outside of officers and cops, was the +motion-picture men. I seen Ted Bearson, my +own camera man from the Goldringer Studios, +and Rosco, my publicity man, and they was +talking together. I stepped back in among +the boys, because I wasn't looking for any personal +publicity myself on this particular day, +wishing to leave all that to the division and I +knew that if Ted was to see me he would shoot +me.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span></p> + +<p>But ain't it the truth that the modester a +public person like me is, the more attention +they attract? My sweet, quiet voice, silent +though snappy clothes, and retiring manner +have been in Sunday spreads and motion-picture +magazine articles practically all over the +world and America, and my refinement is my +best-known characteristic. Publicity is like +men. Leave 'em alone and they simply chase +you. Pretend you don't want them, and you +can't lose them. And the more reluctant I am +about being noticed, the wilder the papers get! +Only, of course, without a good publicity man +this wouldn't, perhaps, be a perfectly safe bet.</p> + +<p>So this day, having got rid of all my leaflets, +I was slowly working my way toward the +Avenue, when publicity was thrust upon me.</p> + +<p>You know this Bohemian part of New York +is made up of old houses which is so picturesque +through not having much plumbing and so +forth and heat being furnished principally by +the talk of the tenants on Bolshevism and etc. +These inconveniences makes a atmosphere of +freedom and all that and furnishes a district +where the shoe-clerk can go and be his true +self among the many wild, free spirits from +Chicago and all points west. Well, this neighborhood<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span> +could stand a lot of repairs, not alone +in the personal sense, but in a good many of +the buildings, but these are seldom made until +interfered with by the police or building departments. +And on the corner of the street +which I was now at there was a big old house +full of people who <i>did</i> something, I suppose, +and these were mostly bursting out through +the open windows or sitting on the little balconies +which looked like they couldn't hold a +flower pot and a pint of milk with any safety +much less a human. But there they was, sitting, +with all the indifference to fate, for which +they are so well known. I couldn't but notice +the risk they ran, but I should worry how many +radicals are killed, and so I paid but little +heed until I noticed that there was three little +kids—all ragged children of the dear proletariat—which +some of the Bohemians had +hauled up on a balcony which was too frail for +adults. The minute I see that balcony I was +scared to death, although the short-haired girl +and the long-haired man which was letting the +kids out on it was laughing and care-free as +you please. The kids got out all right, and then +something awful happened.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span></p> + +<p>Right below was a open space at the head +of this particular column, where the officers and +color-bearers and etc was. Rosco and Ted +was getting a picture of them. But while I +generally watch a camera, this time I didn't +on account of watching the kids. And as I +looked that rotten old balcony broke and one +them, a little girl, fell through and hung there, +caught by her skirt, and it a ragged one at that. +Everybody screamed and yelled and sort of +drew back, which is the first way people act +at a horror before they begin to think. I +yelled myself, but I started toward her, because +the radicals couldn't reach her from +above and from below the ground was fully +twenty feet away and nothing but a fence with +spikes and a dummy window-ledge way to one +side. But I had a idea I might make it for +what with two generations on the center trapeze +and never a drop of liquor and not to mention +what I done in pictures, I think quicker +than some and act the same. But my new +skirt prevented, and ahead of me dashed a soldier.</p> + +<p>In a minute he had scaled the wall and +worked his way along the spikes to that ledge, +and then while the crowd watched breathlessly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span> +he had that kid under one arm and was back +on the wall again. He held her close, turned +around, crouched down and then jumped. And +as he jumped I screamed and run forward, for +Oh My Gawd, it was Jim!</p> +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>I don't know how I got there, but when I +come to I and that scared kid was all mixed +up in his arms and the three of us crying to +beat the band which had struck up and the +crowd yelling like mad. And it was a peach +of a stunt, believe you me.</p> + +<p>"Didn't you get my cable?" Jim says. And +I says no, and we clinched again. And then +we heard a funny, purring sound right behind +and broke loose and turned around and there +was that devil of a Ted taking a close-up!</p> + +<p>"Hold it! Damn you, hold it another ten +feet!" yells Rosco, who was dancing around +like a regulation director, just back of Ted. +"Fine, Fine! Oh, boy, what a pair of smiles! +Say, folks, we shot the whole scene—<i>some</i> +News Weekly Feature. Oh say, can you see +me, Rosco, <i>the</i> publicity man!"</p> + +<p>Honest to Gawd you would of thought he +had gone crazy! And that bone-headed crowd +couldn't make out was the whole thing staged<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> +or real. Believe you me, I had to pinch myself +to know was it real or not, but thank Gawd +it was, it was! And after nearly two years! +Do you know how that feels? Give a guess! +And then, just as I thought now this cruel +war and everything is over, why that roughneck +of a officer give the order to fall in and +of course Jim had to and left me there with +that kid in my arms for Ted to make a couple +of stills for the papers.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, I couldn't tell how many he +took, or when, because seeing Jim so sudden +and unexpected had pretty near killed me, and +I couldn't say anything much about the parade +either, because something kept me from seeing +it and I guess it was my own glad tears. Anyways, +I had three wet handkerchiefs in my bag +when I got home and one of them a perfect +stranger's.</p> + +<p>Well, of course, I expected the parade would +break up when it struck Harlem and the boys +would hurry right home. And did they? They +<i>did</i> not! I hurried right home, all right, all +right, but not so Jim. And for a long while +I was sitting there in one of my trousseau +dresses and a fearful state of mind over what +had he done to get killed since I last seen him.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> +But hours went by and still he didn't come. +And I didn't know his 'phone or where he was +or anything. The only clue I had that the +whole business was a fact and no dream was +the cable, which had come after he did, saying +he would be home as arranged after all.</p> + +<p>Believe you me, I hope never to live through +another twenty-four hours like them that followed, +because I couldn't eat or sleep, not +knowing where he was.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Next morning I wouldn't even look at the +papers which was Sunday and full of our and +the division's pictures. And Monday was +worse, because even although Jim might be +alive none of the hospitals nor yet the morgue +had him, and so I commenced to think he had +gone back on me. A telegram come from the +coast saying "Great Sunday story bring Rosco +contract follows," but what did I care for that +stuff without Jim? Ma was very silent all this +time, and kept in her room a lot, with the door +shut. And then late Monday afternoon the +door-bell rung, and my heart leaped to my +feet like it had done at every tinkle for 48 +hours, and I went myself, but it was only Ruby +Roselle and Mr. Mulvaney of the Welcome<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span> +Home Committee with her! The men that +girl knows! Well, she sees them in another +light than I and it's a good thing all tastes +don't run the same. But this was such a surprise +I asked them in before I thought and +pretty near forgot my own troubles for a +minute.</p> + +<p>Ruby cuddled down into her kolinsky wrap +and give me the fish-eye, as she addressed me +in her own sweet way as a woman to her best +enemy.</p> + +<p>"Dearie," she says, tucking in a imaginary +curl. "Dear, Johnnie here was over to my +flat and we got speaking of you by accident, +and he's anxious to know where's the money +he gave you, and why no decorations as was +intended?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Miss La Tour," says the old bird, +which it was plain she had made a even more +perfect fool of him than he had been before. +"Yes, Miss La Tour, it's a serious thing," he +says. "I understand you didn't really call +even one meeting and as for decorations—!! +Well, what can you tell us?"</p> + +<p>Well, I told him how I come to think of +what I thought of, and the jobs which I had +319 of and the notes and all, and while I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span> +talked I could see plain enough that I was +getting in worse every minute, because they +had come determined to find me guilty, and no +matter what I said, it would of listened queer +with them two pairs of glassy eyes on me.</p> + +<p>"I had a hunch," I wound up, "that maybe +something a little substantial would be welcome," +I says, "because after all a person +can't live on plaster arches and paper flowers, +and three hundred and nineteen jobs ought to +take care of a considerable percent of the ones +that need it," I says. "And so while your +arches are all right," I says, "you must admit +they are principally for show."</p> + +<p>When I got through Mr. Mulvaney cleared +his throat and didn't seem to know just how +to go on; but Ruby give him an eye, and so +he cleared his throat again and changed back +to her side.</p> + +<p>"This is all <i>most</i> irregular," he says very +dignified. "Most irregular. You will certainly +have to appear before the general committee +and give them an accounting. What +you have done amounts to a misuse of public-funds!"</p> + +<p>My Gawd, I nearly fainted at that! But<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span> +before I could say a word a voice spoke up +from the doorway.</p> + +<p>"Like hell it does!" says Jim, which that +dear kid had left himself in with his key and +listened to the whole business. "Like hell +it's a misuse!" he says, coming into the room +and putting his arm around me. "You just +let the public and the soldiers take their +choice! Give all the facts to all the newspapers +and we will furnish the photographs free! Go +to it! Get busy! And—get out!"</p> + +<p>Well, they got, and what happened then I +will not go into because there are things even +a self-centered woman won't put on paper! +Poor Jim, and him back in camp to get deloused +and demobilized and his tooth-brush, +and a few parting words of appreciation and +etc, these past 48 hours which it seems is the +rule for all soldiers, and I suppose they did +need the rest after that parade before taking +up domestic life once more.</p> + +<p>Well, anyways, that afternoon late, while +him and me was thoroughly enjoying our joint +contract and the Sunday spreads with our pictures +and all, in walks Ma with her hat and +dolman on and a suit-case in one hand, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span> +'Frisco, the he-snake in his box, in the other +hand.</p> + +<p>"For the love of Mike, Ma Gilligan, where +are you going to?" I says, looking at her idly.</p> + +<p>"I'm leaving you forever!" says Ma, in a +deep voice.</p> + +<p>"Leaving us? Whatter you mean, leaving +us?" I says, taking notice and my head off +Jim's shoulder.</p> + +<p>"I'm going back to work," says Ma. "I'm +not going to be dependent on you no longer," +she says, "nor a burden in my old age," she +says. "And now that you got Jim back I shall +only be in the way, so good-by, Gawd bless +you!"</p> + +<p>"Why, Ma Gilligan!" I yells, jumping to +my feet. "How you talk! Besides what on +earth do you think you could do?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I got a job," she flashes, proudly. "I'm +going back to the circus!"</p> + +<p>Believe you me, that pretty near had me +floored.</p> + +<p>"The circus!" I says. "What nonsense! +Why a trapezer has to be half your age to say +nothing of weight!"</p> + +<p>"I'm not going on no trapeze at my years!"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span> +says Ma. "I'm going back as Fat Lady. One +hundred a week and expenses!"</p> + +<p>All of a sudden I realized the full meaning +of them doughnuts and cocoa and etc she had +eat these past months. She had been deliberately +training and as usual was successful. I +sprung to my feet and hung around Ma's neck +like a ten-year-old.</p> + +<p>"Oh Ma!" I says. "Don't! Please don't go +back! Whatever would we do without you?" +I says. And Jim added his entreaties.</p> + +<p>"Why, Ma Gilligan, what bally rot!" he +says, which it's quite noticeable the amount of +English he's picked up over there. "What +a silly ass you are, old dear!" he says. "Here +we are going to California and who would +cook for us if not you?" he says, "with the cook-question +like it is out there?"</p> + +<p>Well, that weakened Ma considerable, for +cooking is her middle name. So she set down +the suit-case.</p> + +<p>"Ma!" I begged her. "We <i>couldn't</i> have +too much of you, and you would never be in the +way or a burden no matter what the scales +say. For heaven's sake take off that hat, it's +too young for you, and burden us with the first +home cooking Jim has had in two years!"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span></p> + +<p>Well, she give in at that, and sat down the +snake and her dolman and pocket-book.</p> + +<p>"Well, all right then!" she says. "I'll stay!" +Which is about all the emotion Ma ever shows. +"Whew, but it's hot in here!" she says and +turns to open the window and we left her do +it, because we seen she didn't want us to notice +her tears. And as she opened it she gives a +shriek and leans way over, grabbing at something. +And hardly had she yelled than from +below come a holler and a flow of language the +like of which I had never heard, no, not even +at the studio when something went wrong! +Then Ma commenced to laugh something +hysterical and pulled herself back in through +the window and leaned against the side of it, +hollering her head off.</p> + +<p>"What is it?" I says.</p> + +<p>"It's Maude!" gasps Ma. "She was shut +under the winder and when I opened it she fell +out and lit on Rudie's head which was sitting +right underneath."</p> + +<p>Well, we could hardly hear her for the noise +in the kitchen. The dumb-waiter was buzzing +like all possessed. I and Jim rushed out and +there, lickety-split, come the dumb-waiter only +it was more inarticulate than dumb by then,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span> +and on it the case of Old Home lacking only +three quarts.</p> + +<p>"I find your whiskey, Miss La Tour!" says +Rudie's voice, very weak and shagy from below. +"I chust find him and send him right +away, quick!"</p> + +<p>"Thanks old dear!" chortled Jim. "Come +up and have a drink on me!"</p> + +<p>"No tanks!" yelled Rudie. "I'm leaving +this blace right now foreffer!"</p> + +<p>Well, we should worry! I turned to Jim, a +big load off my mind.</p> + +<p>"Jim," I says solemnly. "There is the three +hundred and twentieth job!"</p> + +<p class="center"> THE END</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="centerbox bbox"> +<p class="center">Transcriber's note:</p> + +<p>Varied spelling, hyphenation and dialect is as in the original.</p></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Believe You Me!, by Nina Wilcox Putnam + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BELIEVE YOU ME! *** + +***** This file should be named 33728-h.htm or 33728-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/7/2/33728/ + +Produced by the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.fadedpage.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Believe You Me! + +Author: Nina Wilcox Putnam + +Release Date: September 14, 2010 [EBook #33728] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BELIEVE YOU ME! *** + + + + +Produced by the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.fadedpage.net + + + + + + + +BELIEVE YOU ME! + +NINA WILCOX PUTNAM + +AUTHOR OF "ADAM'S GARDEN," "THE IMPOSSIBLE BOY," ETC., ETC. + +NEW YORK + +GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + +COPYRIGHT, 1919, + +BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + +COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY + +PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA + + + + +TO R. J. S. + + + + +CONTENTS + +CHAPTER PAGE + +I Ladies Enlist 11 + +II Pro Bonehead Publico 66 + +III Holy Smokes! 125 + +IV Anything Once 156 + +V Now is the Time 202 + +VI The Glad Hand 244 + + + + +BELIEVE YOU ME! + +I + + + + +LADIES ENLIST + +I + + +I WASN'T going to make no statement about this here affair; and I +wouldn't even yet, only for our publicity man. The day the story leaked +he called me up in the A. M., which is the B. C. of the daytime, and +woke me out of the first perfectly good sleep I'd had since Jim pulled +that stunt and floored me so. + +First off, I wouldn't answer the phone; but Musette stood by me with it +in her hand and just made me. + +"For my sake, mademoiselle!" says she, just like she used to in our act +on the big time, which we played before I got into the dancing game. +"For my sake, mademoiselle," she says, "do not refuse to talk with the +publicity man!" + +Well, when I heard who it was I seen some sense in what she says; so I +set up amid my black-and-white-check bed, which--believe you me--is as +up to date as my latest drawing-room dance. And I grabbed off the phone. + +"Yes," says I in a fainting voice; "this is Miss La Tour. What is it, +please? I'm far from well." + +"Cut out that stuff, Mary!" says a male voice. "This is Roscoe. I want +you to give out a statement about you and Jim splitting up." + +"I _won't!"_ says I, very sharp. "Whatter yer think I am?" I says. +"That's nobody's business but our own!" + +"Oh, ain't it, though?" says Roscoe, very sarcastic. "The biggest +parlor-dancing outfit in America busts up and you can't be seen, even, +for two whole days! The stage at the Royal ain't notified that your +piece is called off; the De-Luxe Hotel don't get no notice that you +ain't going to appear; and all the info' I could get when I called up +your flat is that you was gone out!" + +"And so I was!" says I, indignant. + +"Then I call up Jim's hotel and they say he's gone!" shouted Roscoe. +"Hell!" says he, forgetting that me and the telephone operator both was +ladies. "Hell! What kind of way is that to treat a guy you're paying +three thou. a year to for getting your picture in the paper every time +you sneeze?" + +I didn't have any comeback about that, for there was certainly some +truth in what he says. But I wasn't to be put down so easy. + +"I guess I know my business, Ros," I says, sharp, "or I wouldn't be +living in a swell flat on the Drive, all fixed up like a furniture shop, +with a limousine and two fool dogs, and earned every cent of it myself, +and no one can say a word against me, if I didn't know my own business. +So there!" + +"Looka here, Mary," says Roscoe. "There's going to be a lot of talk up +and down the Rialto if you don't come across with some explanation. I'm +comin' right up to get it." + +"No, you don't," I says, for I hadn't had my facial massage in three +days, and, after all, Roscoe is a man, even if press agents ain't +exactly human. "No, you don't, Ros!" I says. "If I gotter make some +statement, I'll write the dope myself and you can fix it up after--see? +It's a big story, but delicate, and I'm going to have no +misunderstanding over it." + +"All right, Mary," says Ros. "But you get the stuff ready for the +morning papers. I'll be up for it." + +Then he hung up and I knew I had to come across. Besides, Ma come in +just then; and while I may boss my press agent, and even sometimes my +partner and Musette and the two dogs, Ma sorter gets my goat. Ma had on +a elegant rose-silk negligee I give her; and as usual, she had it ruined +by tying a big gingham apron over it, which made her look the size of a +house, but sort of comforting. She stopped by the bed and set both her +hands on her lips--the way she does when she don't mean to be answered +back. + +"Now, Mary Gilligan, you get right up and wash your teeth!" says Ma, +"and do your three handsprings and other exercises, decent and proper; +and then eat the breakfast I got cooked for you." + +Funny thing, but Ma ain't got a mite of dramatic sense. I just can't +understand it, after her having been with the circus so long on the +trapeze, until she got too heavy after I come; and since then in the +wardrobe-end of the theater, and all. I ain't never been able to break +her in to none of the refinements of life, either, and she will go into +the kitchen for all I say; and some day I just know she'll call me +Gilligan in public. And a nice laugh that'll get! + +But, anyhow, I usually do what she says, because Ma is a fine trainer; +and--believe you me--I wouldn't be able to hold on to Jim's neck and +swing out straight twenty times round, like I do--or did--only for her +and her keeping me on the job like she's done. The only other trouble +with Ma is, she can't seem to properly understand that it's my artistic +temperament which has brought in the cash--that and some good looks, and +me realizing that this refined parlor-dancing stuff would go over big. +Of course Jim's being able to wear a dress suit like he'd been born in +it has helped some, even aside from being such a fine partner; which +brings me back, as they say, to the tale. + +Well, I done my exercise, and so forth, and then I had Musette bring up +the sofa, a elegant gilt one--for we got what Ma calls Looie-the-Head-Waiter +stuff in our parlor--to the window, so's I could lay and look dreamily +out over the autos on the Drive to the ships in the river; you know--the +German ships which have been taking out their naturalization papers, or +something. And, as I lay there thinking, I come to the conclusion that +if I told about the split I better tell all, including my own +enlistment. + +Oh, how well I can now understand why many men enlist, having been +through it all myself! And how then they long to get out, and can't, and +realize that they was boobs! And how they learn that they weren't boobs +after all, once they got used to it! Do you get me? + +Well, anyways, I decided to tell the whole story, which, of course, +begun at Ruby Roselle's party. + +I think I don't hardly need to state that I don't generally go with that +Roselle crowd. No acrobatic dancer could and keep her health. +And--believe you me--every drawing-room dance act that is worth a +thousand dollars a week has acrobatics, and good sound acrobatics, as +its base. Well! As far as Ruby Roselle and her crowd is concerned, far +be it from me to pass any remarks. But any one in the theatrical line +will tell you that a girl which has made a reputation only on the color +of her hair and is not averse to tights don't have to lead the rigid +life of a first-class A-1 dancer, leaving out all judgments as to +character, which are usually wrong anyways. + +But, having said that much, I will only add that I have never gone out a +lot, and seldom without Ma. And while champagne is not exactly a +stranger to me, owing to Jim and me always having to have it served with +our dinner at the Ritz each night--which any one with sense knows is all +publicity stuff and we never drink it--still, I'm not in favor of +champagne parties, which they generally end in trouble; and this one of +Ruby's was no exception. + +Indeed, I wouldn't of gone in the first place only for us unfortunately +being on the same bill at the opening of the Superba Roof, which, of +course, being the big midnight show of the year, and the rest of the +leads all having accepted, and Ruby being in so strong with the +management, it would of been bad business policy to refuse. + +When I pointed this out to Jim he couldn't see it at first, owing to me +never having gone on such parties; and nobody can say any different, +with truth. But the Superba contract was the biggest thing we had got +yet. And, coming on top of the twenty minutes in Give Us a Kiss, the +twenty minutes at the De-Luxe Hotel, the net profs. was pretty fair. +So, for once, we accepted an invite to one of Ruby's famous blow-outs. + +Ruby Roselle's house was something wonderful, but not to my taste, there +being too much in it, besides smelling of cologne and incense, which, +from her singing Overseas in red-white-and-blue tights, was more or less +to be expected. Also, the clothes on her and the other girls was too +elaborate. My simple little real lace, and my hair, which Musette always +does so it looks like I done it myself, made them seem like a Hippodrome +production alongside of a play by this foreigner, Ib-sen--do you get me? +I was proud of this; for--believe you me--getting refinement means work, +just like any other achievement, and I had modeled myself on Mrs. Pieter +van Norden for years, than whom there is surely no one more refined by +reputation, though I had never seen her. I could see Jim felt the same +about all this, and we exchanged a look on it; for, besides being +engaged to be married we was the best of friends when we come in--when +we come in! Remember that! + +After we said "How do ye do?" to Ruby, I whispered to Jim not to +celebrate too much. He ain't a drinking man if for no other reasons but +those of my own; but just oncet in a while he'd get a little more than +he should, and this opening night the show had gone awful big. Had he +but heeded me better! Alas! Nothing doing; it was all in vain! + +For description of party see any motion-picture film on Vice. Why waste +words on what is so well known? And--believe you me--this was just like +a fillum; and, as I have said, nothing like that for mine, usually. But, +even so, we might of got off safe and home without no trouble--only for +Von Hoffman and the baby alligator. + +It seems like this here Von Hoffman was stuck on Ruby; in fact, it was +him that suggested her singing Overseas in that fierce costume. Also, he +gave her the alligator, she having tried to pick on a present he +couldn't possibly get when he wanted to buy her something. But, being +German by descent, he had the efficiency to get it, anyways; and there +was the alligator at the party, about fifteen inches long, with a gold +collar and diamonds in the collar--and we at war! + +Well, it seems this alligator hadn't eat since it come; and after Ruby +had a double Bronx and two glasses of champagne the memory of his +hunger began to worry her--do you get me? So she had him brought in and +set in the middle of the supper table on the orchids at two dollars per +each, which he sat on without moving while the crowd tried everything on +him, from olives to wine, with no success. The alligator seemed a awful +boob, for he just lay there like a stuffed one, which we knew he wasn't +on account of his not having eaten. + +Well, Jim hadn't heeded me. I guess the truth must be told, though, +honest, he had took but very little; still, being unused to it, the +effect was greater--do you get me? And pretty soon he and this Von +Hoffman was kidding each other and that alligator something fierce. + +Now Jim took a hate on this Von Hoffman bird the minute he laid eyes on +him, partly on account of the costume of Ruby, and also on general +principles, because of the bird's accent. But, the alligator not moving +or nothing, Jim asks if the alligator understands only German. + +"In all probability," says Von Hoffman; "he is a high-class alligator." + +"Then he ought to understand American," says Jim. "He'll have to +eventually; why not now? + +"There's nothing to prove that," says the German bird with a sneer. "He +will probably get along very well as he is, with German only." + +Jim looked mad as a hatter; but instead of taking it out on this Von +Hoffman, as he had ought to have, he turned on that poor dumb beast. + +"Well," says Jim to the alligator, "here's where you learn some +patriotism." + +And he leaned 'way across the table until his face was only an inch or +two away from the alligator's. Jim looked that animal straight in the +eye and spoke very severe. + +"To hell with Germany!" says Jim. + +And with that the alligator snapped--snapped right onto the end of Jim's +nose! Oh, my Gawd, but I yelled! So did Jim--believe you me! And then we +all tried to get that fiend of a pro-German alligator off Jim's face. +When they succeeded in making him let go you had ought to of seen Jim's +nose! It had four holes in it and was bleeding something fierce. + +Oh, may I never live to see such a sight again, let alone having to go +through what followed! For once I forgot my refinement completely, and I +remember yelling at Jim to kill that German. For if he didn't sick his +alligator onto Jim, who did? And there he stood laughing at Jim for all +he was worth; and Jim never offered to fight him! + +Believe you me, all my sympathy for Jim melted right away when I seen he +wasn't doing nothing but stand there holding on to his nose and moaning. + +"I know alligator bites is deadly poison!" He kept saying it over and +over again, while Von Hoffman was laughing himself sick. + +"I hope it is poison!" he says. "I hope it is, you jackanapes of an +American dancer!" + +At this I walked right up to that Von Hoffman bird. + +"I'll get you for this!" I says. "Somehow I know you're a wrong one, and +_I'll_ get you, even if Jim don't want to! I'd enlist to-morrow if I was +a man and get your old Kaiser as well!" + +Then, the next thing I knew, me and Jim was in the limousine, on the way +to the hospital; and Jim was still moaning over being poisoned by the +alligator and getting blood all over the place, and the car just +relined and everything! I didn't say a word just then, because, of +course, you must stick to a pal in time of immediate trouble--do you get +me? But I was boiling mad inside, though worried a little about the +poison. Still, Jim's not hitting that bird, Von Hoffman, was worse to me +than death itself. + +At the hospital the chauffeur and me got Jim inside somehow and to a +desk in the hall. There was a snappy-looking nurse sitting there with a +book, and our coming in at that hour no more worried her than a fly in +cold weather. She just looked up quiet and spoke--sort of unhospitable. + +"Name of ailment?" she inquired. + +"Alligator bite!" I told her, brief; and I will say this got her goat a +little, because she made me say it twice more before she would believe +me. + +Then she directed us down a long hall, and a young guy in a summer suit +of white duck stopped reading the newspaper long enough to give Jim's +nose the once over. + +"No cause for alarm," says this bird. "The nose will be about twice its +normal size for a day, that's all!" All! And, as if that wasn't enough, +he painted the nose and all round it with some brown stuff, which +stopped the bleeding but made Jim look like he was made up for some sort +of comedy act. Jim was perfectly sober by then and quit talking about +poison, and etc., and when he was back in the limousine I just let +myself go and bawled him out good and plenty. + +"Now see here, Jim," I says, "I've stuck by you to-night long enough to +make sure you ain't goin' to die or nothin'; and now I'm through!" + +"You been just fine, Mary," says Jim, trying to take my hand. I took it +away quick. + +"You don't get me!" I says. "I mean I'm through for keeps. The +engagement is broken, and everything!" + +"Whatter yer mean--broken?" says Jim, sort of dazed. + +"Just that!" I snapped. "Here you get tight and take a insult from a +German; and, as if that wasn't enough, you go farther and get bit by a +pro-German alligator! And you don't even offer to fight the German who +owns the alligator, either! And, what's furthermore, you've got your +face swoll up so's you won't be able to dance to-morrow night; and that +iodine won't wash off; and the act is crabbed in the bud--do you get me? +Crabbed! And I'm through--that's all! So don't never come near me +again!" + +Believe you me, Jim tried to make me listen to reason; but I couldn't +hear no reason to listen to, and so wouldn't let him say much. Then Jim +got mad and bawled me out for breaking my rule and going on the party, +and by the time we got to my place we wasn't speaking at all--not even +good night or good-by forever! + + +II + +FOR hours and hours after Ma got me to bed I just lay there thinking and +aching and feeling all hot and ashamed and terribly lonesome, and with +my career all ruined because of the Germans--to say nothing of having +been obliged to become disengaged to Jim. + +And then, just as I was nearly crazy wondering how I was to get my +self-respect back, I got a swell idea. I would enlist! Ladies could. I +remembered reading a piece in a newspaper some place about yeowomen or +something. And as soon as I realized that I could serve Uncle Sam and +help get even with that bird, Von Hoffman, and the Kaiser and the +alligator, and lose my personal feelings in public service, I got the +most wonderfully easy feeling round my heart and dropped right off to +sleep. But when I woke up in the morning it was something fierce, the +way I felt. Believe you me, it was just like I had ate Welsh rabbit the +night before, or something--the weight that was on my chest. At first I +couldn't make out just what it was. Then I remembered. I had lost Jim! +Of course I hadn't lost him so much as shook him; but it was all the +same, or looked that way in the cold gray dawn of ten A. M. + +Honest to Gawd, I never knew how fond I was of Jim until I woke up that +day and realized he was gone forever! But I wouldn't of phoned him and +say I'd changed my mind--not on a bet I wouldn't. And, anyways, I hadn't +changed my mind. The evidences begun to pile up against him. I commenced +to remember how he had been away on some mysterious trips so many +afternoons for the last four or five months; and maybe with some blonde, +for all I knew. And then his going to pieces like that over a mere +alligator bite, the way he done; and, worst of all, not hitting that +German, even though in pain, and crabbing our act by getting bit on the +nose. + +The more I thought about it, the worser I felt, laying there in +retrospect and negligee. And I couldn't see no way of us ever getting +together again--even when he called up and apologized; which, of course, +I expected he would do any minute. But he didn't; and by the time Ma +came in and routed me out of bed I had myself worked up so's I was +crying something terrible, and hating Jim as hard as I could, which +would of been enough to kill him--only for the pain in my heart for +loving him. + +While I ate only a light repast of ham and eggs, and a little marmalade, +and etc., Ma made me tell her all; which I done the best way I could +with crying in between. And then I told her about me having made up my +mind to enlist. She was some surprised at that, though not much. Ma, +having lived through two circuses and a trapeze act, it is sort of hard +to surprise her very much--do you get me? So all Ma says was: + +"Well, Mary Gilligan!" says she. "Can ladies enlist? I had a idea," she +says, "only gentlemen was permitted." + +"No," says I. "I see a piece in the paper where ladies can go in the +navy--yeowomen they call them; a fancy name for a stenographer!" + +"A whole lot too fancy!" says Ma, very prompt. "And no daughter of mine, +a decent, respectable girl, is going sailing off on no battleship with a +lot of sailors--not to mention submarines; not if I know it!" says Ma. +"So, Mary Gilligan, you may as well put that idea out of your head, let +alone you ain't a stenographer and couldn't learn it in a month." + +"Well, Ma," I says, "maybe you're right; and I do get seasick awful +quick. But--oh, Ma! I got to enlist some place. Can't you see the way I +feel?" + +Ma could. + +"I know!" she says, very sympathetic. "I was the same when your pa +missed both the third trapeze and the life net. I would of enlisted when +he died if there had been a war. And, of course, you feel like Jim was +dead. How about the Red Cross?" + +"Won't do for me," I says, prompt. "I don't see myself sitting around in +no shop, with a dust cloth tied over my head, selling tickets. I got to +do something active or I'll go bugs!" + +Then Ma had a real idea. + +"How about this here Woman's Automobile Service?" says she. "The one I +read you the piece about? You're a woman and you got a auto." + +"Ma, you're a wonder!" I says. "Look up the address while I get my hat +on! Tell Musette to call for the limousine; and watch me make a trial +for my new job!" + +So they done like I asked, and I kissed Ma and Musette good-by; also the +two fool dogs, for I had a sort of feeling like I was going into battle +already. + +"When Jim calls up tell him it's no good--he can't see me," says I, the +last thing. And then I set off in the limousine. + +Well, I'd put on a very simple imported model and a small hat, and only +my diamond earrings, and a brooch Jim had give me, when we was first +engaged, over my aching heart. I wanted, above all things, to look +refined; for, even if the U. S. Army isn't always quite that, still, +this was a ladies' branch of it. And you know what women can +be--especially in organizations; though I admit I hadn't had much +previous experience with them, except the White Kittens, which Ma +insisted on me keeping up with and contributing to their annual ball, +because of she having always belonged. And--believe you me--the scraps I +seen at some of their Execution Committee meetings would make the Battle +of the Marne look like a pinochle post-mortem! + +Well, as I was saying, I took no chances on appearances of refinement in +this case, not knowing exactly what class of ladies would be running the +Woman's Automobile Service. And, even when I got to their office, it +took me several minutes before I got the right dope on them and their +line--do you get me? + +In the first place, it wasn't at all like the White Kittens' +Headquarters, in the Palatial Hotel ball-room. Instead, it was a shop on +a swell side street, with two very plain capable-looking dark-green +ambulances standing outside. My limousine had to stop next door on +account of them. + +Well, I got out and walked across and into that shop. And--believe you +me--it was the plainest place you ever saw; not even so much as a flower +or a rug to give it a womanly touch. But neat! My Gawd! And there was +three young ladies there, all in the snappiest-looking uniforms you ever +want to see--dark green, like the ambulances, with gold on the collar, +and caps like the Oversea's Army, and the cutest leggings! My! + +Maybe you think they looked like a chorus? They did not! They was as +business-like as English officers. Over in one corner a frowzy-looking +little dame was sitting, reading a book. There wasn't no unnecessary +furniture in the place, and 'way at the back was a door marked Captain +Worth--Private, which seemed funny. + +The minute I come in one of the girls jumped up and says what could she +do for me? + +I seen at once she was a perfect lady. + +"I am Marie La Tour," I says in a very quiet, low-pitched voice, like a +drawing-room act. + +"Yes?" says she. "And what can I do for you, Miss--er----" + +"La Tour!" I says again, as patient as possible. + +But it was plain she didn't get me, even the second time, though it's a +cinch she heard me all right, all right. But the name simply didn't mean +nothing in her young life. Was I surprised? I was! Of course if I had +said "I am Mrs. Vernon Castle," and she didn't know who it was, I +wouldn't of got such a jolt. But Marie La Tour! Well, there's ignorance +even among the educated, and I realized this and didn't try to wise her +up any. After all, I was not out for publicity, but for serving my +country. Besides, I had heard right along that the army was full of +democracy; and, of course, this was some of it. + +"Well," I says, "I would like to enlist. My heart is broken, but full of +patriotism, and this seemed a good place to come." + +"Good!" says this young lady, which I had noticed by this time she had a +lieutenant's uniform on her, but not by any means intending she was glad +my heart was broken. "Good!" she says. "Sit down and let me tell you +about our organization." + +"Is it the regular army?" I asked. + +"Not yet," says she; "but we hope we will eventually get official +recognition. We are already used by the Government for dispatch and +ambulance service and as escorts and drivers for officers and members of +the various departments; also, as government inspectors. So you see it +is a very live work." + +"And it's a awfully pretty costume," I says; "so snappy." + +"The uniform is only the outward sign of what we are doing," says Miss +Lieutenant. "You have a car?" + +"Outside," I says; "eight-thousand dollars, and all paid for. You can +have it if it's any good to you. Ma always prefers the street car +anyways." + +"Thank you; that is splendid!" says the lady officer, very pleasant, but +not exactly excited over my offer--which was some offer at that. + +She took out a slip of paper and begun filling in some blanks on it. + +First, the make of the car, and then the answers to the questions she +shot at me. + +"Can we have it at a moment's notice?" she said. "Yes? Good! Is it new? +In good condition? Do you loan or give it?" + +"Give!" I says, brief. "I am not going to be a piker to Uncle Sam." + +At this the lady lieutenant actually came out of her shell enough to +give me a smile. + +"That's the spirit!" she says. "We sometimes have as many as twenty +offers of cars a day. But, as a rule, they are half-time loans. Can you +drive?" + +"Drive a horse?" says I. + +"No, no," says the kid, serious again, "a car, of course!" + +"Why, no," says I, feeling sort of cheap. "Isn't there anything else I +can do?" + +"Plenty," she says, cheerfully; "but you will have to learn to drive, +first of all. You must have a chauffeur's license, a doctor's +certificate of health, two letters of recommendation from prominent +citizens as to your loyalty and general character, and a graduate's +certificate from a technical automobile school." + +"Anything else?" I says, sort of faint. + +"Well, of course, you will have to take the nursing and first-aid course +at St. Timothy's Hospital," she says, "and the regular U. S. Infantry +drill. But that's about all." + +"Do I have to learn all that stuff before I can come in?" I asked, +feeling about as small as when I had my first try-out on the big time +circuit. + +"Oh, no," says Miss Lieutenant; "you can sign your application right +away if you like. Then you can come in immediately and start rookie +drill and the first-aid work with the service while you are getting your +technical training." + +Believe you me, my breath was about taken away by all this stuff. I +don't really know now just what I did expect when I first come into +that shop, but I guess I had a sort of idea they'd give me a big welcome +and I'd get a costume of some sort; and, after that--well, I don't +really know. I certainly never expected what they handed me. But I was +game. + +"When can I commence all this?" I says. + +"When do you want to?" says Miss Lieutenant. + +"To-day," I says firmly. At this Miss Lieutenant actually smiled again. + +"Good!" says she. "The minute you bring me that health certificate and +those letters of recommendation I'll sign you up and you can start in at +the Automobile Training School. To-morrow morning is the time at St. +Timothy's Hospital and to-morrow afternoon is rookie drill." + +"And when is the auto school?" I says. + +"Every afternoon," she says. + +"Then," says I, "I'll get them letters and the certificate here by noon. +And if you O. K. them I'll just start in this P. M.--if it's all the +same to you." + +"Good!" says Miss Lieutenant, evidently not displeased, yet determined +to show no emotion. + +Then she got up, indicating that our business was over, clicked her +heels together like a regular officer, and made a stiff little bow. Oh, +wasn't she professional, just! + +"Well, I'll be back," I says, and started to go. "I'm sure I can get +everything but the technical stuff; and I'll get that if I die of it!" + + +III + +AND--believe you me--I had no idea how near true them words was when I +uttered them. I was almost at the door when the frowzy little dame in +the corner, which I had forgotten she was there, come over and touched +me on the arm. + +"I beg your pardon, my dear," she says; "but I want to tell you I think +your spirit is fine. And don't let any fear of the technical course +deter you. Even I was able to do it." + +Was I surprised? I was! But she seemed very sweet and kind, though so +unnoticeable; so I just says thanks, and then--believe you me--started +out on some rush! + +First of all, I hustled up to old Doc Al's place, which Ma and me has +him for a doctor; though Gawd knows there ain't never a blessed thing +the matter with our healths. Still, since her trapeze days Ma has +always felt that emergencies do happen. Well, of course, he give me a +perfect certificate in less than ten minutes' time, and I was off to see +Goldringer, head of the dancing trust; and him and his partner, +Kingston, each give me a elegant letter of recommendation, than which I +could scarcely of got letters from any more prominent citizens--unless, +maybe, Pres. Wilson. + +Well, anyways, I took all three recommends down to the young lady +lieutenant, and there all was the same. Well, it was still lacking five +to twelve when I come in, and Miss Lieutenant looked quite some +surprised, though she tried not to. The letters and the doc's +certificate was O. K.; and the first thing you know, I was signed up and +given three passes. One for the auto school for two o'clock that same P. +M.; one for the hospital, calling for me to be on hand for rehearsal of +the nursing act at nine o'clock next morning. The third was also a call +for rehearsal--a outdoor drill in the park at three P. M. next day. It +looked like I was going to have a busy life. + +"Well," I says, "would you like the car now?" I says. "I can walk home +just as good as not." + +"No, thanks," says Miss Lieutenant. "We will call upon you for it when +it is needed." + +Believe you me, I was grateful for that, because I ain't used to +hustling round in the early morning, and I had hustled some this time. +So I climbed in and says "Home, James!" and dropped in on the seat and +was carried uptown for lunch. + +While on the way I got the first chance I'd had all morning to think +about Jim, and to wonder what he had said when he phoned to apologize. +And did the ache come back in my heart when I got thinking of him? It +did! I felt almost sick with lonesomeness by the time I got to the flat. +And whatter you think? Jim hadn't phoned at all! Not a peep out of him! + +At first I thought there must be some mistake; but after I'd rowed with +the operator in the hall, and with Ma and Musette both, I come to +realize that the split between me and Jim was real--that we was off each +other sure enough. And it was not so surprising that a man which didn't +hit a German whose alligator had bit him wouldn't know how to treat a +lady! + +But somehow Jim's being so mean about not phoning perked me up a lot and +give me courage to think of going into that auto school. I had +commenced to be awful doubtful about it; but Jim's neglect, together +with the lunch Ma had fixed, set me up a lot. And by one-thirty by my +wrist watch, and a quarter to two by the mantel-piece clock, I had the +strength to struggle into a _demitallieur,_ which is French for any +lady's suit costing over sixty dollars, and get to the auto school by +the time the lady lieutenant had told them to expect me. + +Oh, that auto school! The torture chambers of this here Castle of +Chillon has nothing on it and--believe you me--the first set of tools a +person going into it needs is a manicure set. The next thing they need +is a good memory, the kind which can get a twelve-hundred-line part +overnight; which no dancer can nor is ever supposed to! + +One thing I will say for that school, though--they was not such a +ill-informed lot as the Automobile Service. From the very minute I set +foot inside the place they knew who I was, and the manager give me the +pick of half a dozen young fellows who was just filled with patriotic +longing to help me qualify for the service. + +After giving them the once over I finally decided on one lean-looking +bird, who seemed married, and quiet, and likely to teach me something +about the insides of an auto, instead of asking me questions about the +steps of the Teatime Tango Trot, and did I feel the same in my make-up? + +Well, the first thing this bird asks me is do I know anything about a +car? And I says, know what? And he says, well, can I name the parts of a +car? And I says, yes; and he says for me to name them. So I says color, +lining, flower holder, clock, speaking tube and chauffeur. + +Well, the bird says so far correct; but that wasn't enough, and he +guessed we better begin at the more fundamental parts and would I just +step inside? + +Well, it seems this auto school undertakes to teach you everything about +a car from the paint on the body to the appendix, or magneto, as it is +called, in twenty lessons; which is like trying to teach the Teatime +Tango Trot, with three hand-springs and twenty whirls round your +partner's neck, by mail for five dollars. Which is to say it can't be +done. + +First off, the instructor hands you a bunch of yellow papers with a lot +of typewriting on them--twenty sheets in all, or one per lesson, and +all you got to do is learn them good and then put into practice what you +learn; and after that what you can't do to a car would fill a book! + +Well, after you grab this sheaf of stage bank notes you look at number +one and follow the bird that's teaching you round the room while he +reels it off. I guess the idea of you holding the paper is to check him +up if he makes a mistake. Anyways, this bird let me in among a flock of +busted-looking pieces of machinery and begun talking fast. At first, I +didn't get him at all; but when I got sort of used to it I realized he +was saying something like this: + +"The crank shaft is a steel drop-forging having arms extending from +center of shaft according to number of cylinders. It is used to change +the reciprocating movement of the piston into a rotary motion of the +flywheel; it has a starting handle at one end and the flywheel at the +other, as you observe. We will now pass on to the exhaust manifold, +which is generally constructed of cast iron; it conducts the burned +gases from the exhaust valve . . ." + +"Hold on!" I says. "Exhaust is right! I'm exhausted this minute. If you +don't mind I'd like to sit down and talk sense, instead of listening to +a phonograph monologue in a foreign language." + +The instructor bird seemed sort of winded by this; but he got a couple +of chairs and pretty soon we was sitting in a quiet corner talking like +we'd both been on the same circuit for five years. + +"Now listen here, brother," I says real earnest; "I want to learn this +stuff, and learn it right! And I want you to stick by me and see me +through, same as you would any male man that come in here to learn to be +a chauffeur. Now take it easy and make me get it, and I'll play square +and do my best to understand, without no nonsense." + +"Say, you bet I will, Miss La Tour!" says this bird, who, married or +not, had some spirit in him yet. "You bet I will! You see, a lot of +dames come in here just because they ain't got nothing else to do. And +you yourself must realize that a guy can only go through the motions +when that's all they want." + +Well, I could see that plain enough, and from then on we got along like +a new team of partners with equal money in the act and going big on +thirty straight weeks' booking. And--believe you me--there is a awful +lot of interesting things about a auto; only you would never suspect it +until you start to look at what is under the hood and body. As to +understanding them all, you couldn't get it all off of no twenty sheets +of yellow paper, nor twenty hundred, either! It's a career, really +understanding a machine is; just the same as being a expert dancer. The +guy that invented all them parts and got them working together certainly +must of set up nights doing it. + +Well, anyways, after two hours of lapping up this dope I got so's I +could actually tell the cam shaft from the crank shaft and the +difference between a cycle and a cylinder, which was enough for one day. +And then I rode home to Ma. + +Actually I had almost forgot to be miserable about Jim for two whole +hours! But when I got home, and he hadn't phoned to apologize yet, it +all came back over me, and I simply felt that, automobiles and +enlistments or no, I wanted to die--just die! I cried so bad that even +Ma couldn't make me mind, and I was so tired I couldn't even taste the +hot cakes she had fixed. I do believe Ma would think of cooking +something tasty if the world was coming to a end the next minute. She'd +be afraid the recording angel would need a sandwich and a cup of hot +coffee to keep him going while he was on the job. + +But, anyways, they couldn't do nothing to me, or get me to go to the +Ritz or the theater much less the midnight show; but the last did not +matter, because I was wore out and asleep long before. And so Ma had to +telephone that Miss La Tour was suddenly ill and unable to appear. I +made her swear not to phone Jim nor let him in nor Roscoe, the publicity +man, if they was to come--not on no account. And so I slept--poor +child!--worn by the tossing of the cruel ocean of life--do you get me? + +Well, next morning I was up long before Musette, and would of been +obliged to dress unaided, only for Ma never having got used to sleeping +late, partly on account of her always taking a nap just after the +matinee performance when with the circus, and still continuing the +habit. So Ma give me my coffee and a big kiss, and promised not to tell +Jim nothing if he telephoned and I set off to be at the hospital at nine +A. M., according to orders from Miss Lieutenant. + +Well, there has always been something about a hospital I didn't care for +much; not that I have went to many--only the night Jim got bit by the +alligator; and once, when me and Jim was first engaged, he had a dog +which we had to take to the dog hospital. But--believe you me--this St. +Timothy's Hospital, was quite different from the dog hospital. It was a +whole lot more like a swell hotel, with porters and bell boys and clerks +and elevators, and everything except a cafe, as far as I could make out; +and I'm not sure about that, but I don't suppose they had it. + +I was so scared of being late that I was a little early and had to wait +in a office. Pretty soon two or three other rookies come in; and, being +ladies, of course we didn't dare to speak to each other at first. And +then the ladies of the Automobile Service commenced coming in, wearing +their uniforms. And were they a fine-looking lot? They were! I sure did +wish I had a right to that costume; and I had a feeling that my heart +wouldn't hurt near so bad, even when thinking of Jim, once it was +beating under that snappy-looking uniform coat in Uncle Sam's +service--do you get me? + +Well, about this time we were let go upstairs in one of them regular +hotel elevators, the rookies still scared, the regular members in good +standing talking among theirselves, though several spoke to me nice and +friendly; in particular, the little frowzy one which had been reading +the book the day before in the office, but wasn't at all sloppy in her +uniform. + +Believe you me, I had a awful funny feeling in the middle of my stomach +going up in that elevator, and not for the same reason as the +Metropolitan Tower or any of them tall buildings, either. It was because +of not knowing what was ahead of me and preparing for the worst. After +I'd seen the kind of stuff them lady soldiers had to learn in the auto +shop, it seemed like about anything might be expected of them in a mere +hospital. So I got myself all braced up so's if I had to cut off a leg, +or extract a tooth or anything, I'd be able to go to it and not bat an +eye-lash--not outwardly, anyway. + +But things is seldom as bad as you figure in advance--not even +first-night performances. And the stuff which was actually put up to us +was simple as a ordinary one-step. At least, it looked so from a +distance. By distance I mean this: When the nursing instructor--a lady +in a white dress, with the darndest-looking little soubrette cap stuck +'way on the back of her head--when she stood up in front of the lot of +us and put a Velpeau bandage--which is French for sling, I guess, and +looks it--on one of the lady soldiers who was acting as mannequin, why, +it looked easy. + +While she was putting it on she handed us a line of talk something like +that bird at the auto school, only not so fluent. And when she got +through it was up to the rest of us to put the Velpeau bandages on each +other. Gawd knows it was no cinch. + +First, I set down, and a girl in uniform asked could she wrap me up. +Well, it just naturally rumpled my Georgette blouse; but what's a blouse +to a patriot? I let her go to it, and she done it so good and so quick +that it was all over before I knew it, as the dentist says; and then it +was up to me. Somebody give me a nice new roll of bandage and told me to +get a model. + +Well, I didn't have the nerve to ask any one, me being so new and the +name Marie La Tour not meaning anything to nobody here. And so here was +me standing round like a fool, not knowing how to commence, when up +comes that lady--her which had been so sloppy reading a book in the +office. + +"Can't I be your model?" she offered, and--believe you me--I could of +almost cried, I was so glad to have somebody take notice of me. + +I liked that dame more each time I seen her; she sure was refined. Even +her sloppiness was refined--do you get me? + +Well, as to real work, that sheaf of yellow papers up to the auto school +had nothing on the bandaging game when it come to understanding it +properly. Believe you me, that bandage had a will of its own, and the +only way to make it mind would of been to step on it and kill it. But +after a little I managed to tie up the lady pretty good, and before I +was done I had my mind made up that Musette had lost her regular job and +was going to be a bandage mannequin from that P. M. on until I got the +hang of the thing. + +Well, when the scramble of putting on the bandage was over and past, we +was told that after we got on to the theory we'd be sent down to the +Charity Ward for two solid weeks and practice what we'd learned. + +Well, I thought, if I ever get there Gawd help the charity patients! I +guess the two weeks won't qualify me for the Auto Service. More likely +I'll be ready for the Battalion of Death, or whatever they call them +Russian women! + +Well, when the bandages was all gathered up we was dismissed, as they +call it, and told to report for drill in a certain place in the park, it +being a fine day. + +I must say I didn't think a whole lot of the hospital end of the game, +because it wasn't pleasant. Of course I had no intention to quit in any +way, but it sort of depressed me, what with all that sickness going on +round me and the talk about wounds and bandages. And so my mind wasn't +took off Jim, like it was by the auto work, me having a heart which +needed a little bandaging--only that can't be done, of course. + + +IV + +WELL, on the way home I cried some more. And well I might. For when I +got there had Jim phoned? He had not! Nobody but Goldringer, the +manager, and Roscoe, the publicity man, and a few unimportant nuts like +that, and some of the newspapers. Ma had stalled them off pretty good by +saying it was impossible to disturb me. + +And it seems these people hadn't been able to locate Jim anywheres, +either. At first that sounded sort of funny to me; but when I come to +think it over I realized about his nose, where the alligator had bit him +and the doctor had put on the brown stuff, from which he wouldn't +naturally care to be seen--only no one could say that it would prevent +him using the phone, which I also realized. + +Well, after I eat a little liver and bacon, and so on, which Ma had +fixed for me, and cried some, which made me feel better again, I started +out for drill; which means that now comes the real important part of +what happened and the true measure of the tale, as the poet says. + +Well, it seems we rookies--and I must pause to mention that I don't like +that word rookies; it sounds like something that would get the hook +amateur nights. Well, as I was saying, we rookies was told to report at +three o'clock for a private drill, all of our very own. But I was on to +the fact that the regular members in good standing would be there ahead +of us to do well what we was about to do badly. So I thought I would go +early and sit out in front, or whatever was the same thing, and try and +get a line on how it was done. + +Believe you me, there ain't many steps I can't get by seeing them done +once; and if I was to of gone up to the Palace and watch Castle, or Rock +and White, or any one of them, when I come away I could do the steps +they pulled as good as if I had invented them! + +Well, this was my idea in going up and seeing the ladies drill. So there +I was at the park bright and early on a fine sunny afternoon, with the +ladies all in uniform. But I wasn't in any too much time, for I'd no +sooner got there than a big roughneck of a feller--a regular U. S. drill +sergeant, I found out after--come up and yelled: "Fall in!" Just as rude +as any stage director I ever seen! But the ladies didn't seem to mind a +bit. They didn't fall into nothing though; they just hustled into line +and stood there. + +"Ten-shun!" says the feller. And they all stood like a chorus when the +stage manager is telling them he is going to quit the show if they don't +learn no better, and they're a bunch of fatheads, and he's going to get +them fired. In other words, they stood perfectly still. + +Well, after that it was something grand, what those ladies did. I will +say that when I come down to the park that afternoon I thought maybe I'd +see some pretty fair chorus work; you know--formations, and etc. But +this was no chorus work, it was soldiering. I never seen anything neater +in my life. Was it snappy? It was! And when I thought how that bunch of +ladies knew all about autos from soup to nuts, and about bandages, and +etc., believe you me--that drill was the finishing touch. + +For once in my life, I was anxious to be in the chorus, even in the back +line. But not forever--not much! Believe you me, I made up my mind that, +once I was really in it, I was going to work for a speaking part like I +never worked before. And meantime I started in that direction by trying +to figure out just what the ladies did when the stage manager--I mean, +officer--hollered at them. And--believe you me--I had the +turn-on-the-heel and push-off-with-the-toe idea on that right-and-left +face stuff long before the regular members in good standing was +dismissed and we lady rookies was called. + +Well, the same roughneck which had drilled the others had us simps +wished on to him; and the first thing he done was to get us in a row +--you couldn't properly call it a line--and then stand out in front and +look at us sort of hopeless and discouraged, like a good director which +has just finished with a bunch of old-timers and is starting with green +material for the back row. Then he commenced talking. + +Well, while this bird was getting off a line of talk about us now being +soldiers of the U. S. A. and that being no joke to him or us, and etc., +and etc., but no instructions in it, I let my mind wander just a little, +on account of me having enlisted for deeper reasons than any he +mentioned and him quite incapable of strengthening them. + +And while my mind wandered this little bit, and I was thinking how funny +it felt to be back in the chorus--do you get me?--I happened to take a +look at the houses facing the park. And--believe you me--I got a jolt, +for there we was standing right opposite Ruby Rosalie's house! + +Well, I was that astonished to realize it you could of knocked me over +with a sudden noise! Up to then I had been so interested in the other +ladies and what they was doing I hadn't even noticed it. + +And then, before I could really commence to think what a awful thing it +would be if Ruby was to look out of the window and see me standing +there, and think I was just in some chorus, and maybe that nasty Von +Hoffman with her, and the both of them laughing their fool heads off, +the officer says "Ten-shun!" he says. And, of course, I tenshuned, +because of me being anxious to get everything he said when it come to +instruction, and get it right. + +Well, he told us a lot of dope on one thing at a time after he had got +us in line, with the tallest at the right hand, which was me. And he +told us very simple and then made us do it; and no camouflage, +because--believe you me--he could spot any lady which done it wrong +quick as a flash. + +I will say he didn't have a whole lot of trouble with me, partly on +account of me having had similar work before, and also my feet taking to +new things so easy. But it took me about ten minutes to see that my +patent Oxfords, with the Looie heels, was never going to do for this +work. Though I hate to say it, the other ladies sure did bother him a +lot. They couldn't seem to mind quick enough. And he had a lot of +trouble making them keep at attention. + +Every time we'd be that way, just to show what I mean, the lady next to +me would forget and powder her nose. Oh, that wasn't no new sight to me! +I seen worse in my day until they get used to it. But did that officer +get mad? He did! + +"Whatter ye think ye're at?" he yells. "A pink tea? Cut that stuff now! +Attention is attention and youse is standing at it," he says. "The worst +crime youse can commit is move without permission." + +And--believe you me--I sympathized with him, I did, little knowing what +I was about to do next my ownself. + +Alas, that in ladies obedience comes so much harder than following out a +impulse! For the officer had no sooner uttered them words, and I agreed +with him, than I went back on him something terrible. + +It was this way: As I explained, we was drilling in the park, and not +alone in the park but also opposite Ruby Roselle's house. Well, of +course, we was drilling on a open piece of grass, but at one side of +this here grass was fancy bushes; you know--hedges and what not. And me, +being on the end of the line, was nearest them bushes. + +Well, as the sergeant was speaking I seen something move under one of +them bushes; and, as Heaven is my witness, there was that pro-German +alligator which had bit Jim on the nose and started all my troubles. +There he was, walking very slowly, gold-and-diamond collar and all, and +by his lone self, with nobody to protect him! + +Well, I never stopped to think or salute, or ask nothing of nobody. All +I knew for the time was that that damn alligator had somehow got out on +his own, and that this was the chance of a lifetime. So, without more +ado, I fell right out of attention and rushed over and reached into the +bushes and grabbed the alligator by the tail. + +Well, the officer hollered something at me, I don't know what, and all +the ladies commenced screaming. And was I scared of that alligator? I +was! But I held him up by the tail, and it didn't take me two minutes to +find out that he couldn't bite me that way; and then my scare was gone. + +I felt so good about getting him I didn't even care much what was being +said at me by the drill sergeant. I just stood there holding tight to +the alligator's tail and grinning all over myself. But up come Miss +Lieutenant, who had been watching our drill--the one which had signed me +up--and she was as mad as a hornet, only having a awful time trying not +to laugh. + +"What's this?" she says, indignant. + +Fortunately the alligator was in my left hand; so I saluted. + +"Enemy alien alligator!" I says. + +"Dismissed from the ranks!" she says. "And report to Sergeant Warner at +Headquarters at five o'clock." + +Gee, but that made me feel bad! But she wouldn't listen to no +explanations at all, and there was nothing for me to do except walk off +to where the limousine was waiting. And, in a way, I was glad, because +suppose Ruby had of looked out and saw the alligator in my hand! I +couldn't of got away with him. + +As things went, I got him safe into the limousine. And--believe you +me--I didn't dare set him down for a minute for fear of his trying to +get even with me; and so I was obliged to hold him at arm's length until +we got home, which it is a good thing that it wasn't very far. + +Well, when we got home you ought to of seen the elevator boys get out of +the way! I walked in holding on to the alligator; and once I got to the +flat there was Ma sitting in the Looie-the-Head-Waiter drawing-room, +reading a cook-book. When she seen what I had I must say that for once +she acted kind of surprised. + +Of course, she ain't usually surprised, not after her having twice seen +sudden death in the center ring, and the circus went on just the same. +But alligators coming in unexpected is rather out of the usual. So Ma +marked her place at sauces for fish, and took off her glasses so's she +could see good, and give me the kind of stare she used to hand out when +I got dirt on my Sunday-school dress. + +"Why, Mary Gilligan!" she says. "For the land's sakes, where did you get +that?" + +"Caught it on the wing!" I says, very sarcastic, on account of my arm +being nearly broke. "Can you cook it for supper?" I says. + +"Well," she says. "I guess I can. What is it? A mock turtle?" + +"It's a pro-German alligator," I says. "And if you'll just kindly help +me instead of standing there staring at it, we'll intern it some place +so's I can leave my arm get a rest." + +Well, we certainly had a fierce time finding something to put him in, +owing to us not being able to agree about what kind of a place he +belonged. Ma was all for the goldfish bowl, claiming it was his native +element; and Musette, who come in, thought the canary cage was better. +But, realizing he couldn't jump very high, I had them get a big hat-box, +and set him in that. + +"And now what are you going to do with him?" says Ma as we all stood +'round looking at him; and my two fool dogs barking their heads off on +account of a mistaken idea they had that he was a new pet. "What are you +going to do with him?" says Ma. + +"Unless you cook him, I don't know," I says--"except for one thing: I'm +going to take that gold-and-diamond collar offen that brute and sell it +and give the money to the American Red Cross; and I'm going to do it +now!" + +Believe you me, I was mad at that alligator! And no wonder! Just look +at all the trouble he made me! So I didn't waste any time getting action +against him. First off, I persuaded Ma, who was real brave, to hold a +ice pick down on his nose good and firm, so's he couldn't open his face. +Then I managed, after a lot of trouble, to get that bejeweled sinful +collar off his neck. And was it a swell collar? It was! + +As soon as I had it off we just left that alligator interned in the +hat-box and looked the collar over good. It was made all of a piece and +the jewels were certainly wonderful. I know quite a lot about them, me +and Ma always having invested that way when we had a little extra cash. + +Well, as we was looking the stones over carefully, I happened to rub one +which was close to the snap, sort of sideways, and right off something +happened: That there collar parted--yes, sir; parted!--the lining from +the outside, and in the place between the setting and the inside frame +was a couple of thin slips of paper! + +Well--believe you me--it didn't take me long to get the idea; not after +having a father and a mother which had been in the circus and had to +think quick, and me having been associated with dramatic stuff all my +life--do you get me? You do! + +What with that collar having come off a alligator which I was already +convinced was a pro-German, and knowing Von Hoffman had give it to Ruby +Roselle, and got her to sing Overseas in that nasty costume made out of +the national colors, which should never be done, I seen everything +clear. Von Hoffman had a German job of some kind! + +And when I unfolded those papers and seen they was full of funny little +marks like a stenographer makes and then can't read, I realized that I +had happened in on it; and so will any intelligent public. + +Well, was Ma and Musette full of questions? They was! But I didn't wait +to answer none of them; for I realized, also, that it was almost five +o'clock, and I was supposed to report at Headquarters for a bawling-out +at that time. And, after me having broken the rules once, I had no wish +to do it again so soon. + +Well, I just grabbed up the collar and the papers, and a clean pair of +gloves, as the alligator had completely ruined what I had, and, having +on my hat, waited not to explain, but made a dash for the street. And +by a big piece of luck there was the limousine, still standing outside +on account of I having forgot to tell John to go. Well, I told him +"Headquarters!" and off we started; and I got there just on the dot of +five o'clock. + +Well, Miss Lieutenant was there, and a Miss Sergeant--the one I was +reporting to--and that frowzy-looking lady I have spoke of before, and +several other ladies, still in their uniforms. And while I was +explaining, in comes the captain, which she certainly is a smart woman. +And they all listened while I reported and told the whole story about +Ruby and me and Jim and Von Hoffman and the alligator. Then I saluted +and handed over said collar and papers in evidence; and then the captain +spoke up: + +"This material, which is undoubtedly in a foreign code, will be of +interest to the Secret Service," she says. "This Von Hoffman is probably +one of those persons who are active in the obviously deliberate effort +to cheapen and degrade the quality of our patriotism," she says; "for I +have heard that is part of the German propaganda here." + +"Private La Tour, in view of the unusual circumstances, you are excused +for your action in leaving ranks without permission," she says; "but +next time remember to get your salute recognized," she says--"even under +extreme conditions." + +Then she went on, and she says: + +"I understand you have given your car," she says. "Some member in +uniform will take this evidence downtown in Private La Tour's car," she +says, "which we now accept for the service." + +Then she walked into her office, which said Private on it, and closed +the door; and I watched one of the ladies in uniform go away, with the +collar and the papers, in my limousine. + +And after she had went I got a terrible scare, for it come over me all +of a sudden that I hadn't even a nickel change on me to buy car fare +home! + +Well, just as I was standing there wondering how I was going to hoof it +after the trying day I had had, that frowzy lady comes up to me, real +kind, like she could almost see what I was thinking of; and she says: + +"May I take you home in my car, Miss La Tour?" she says. "I have seen +you dance so often that I feel as though I knew you. I am Mrs. Pieter +van Norden." + +Just get that, will you, will you? Her that I had been modeling myself +on for refinement for years! And--would you believe it?--on the way home +she told me she had been trying to dance like me since the first time +she seen me! + +Well--believe you me--I felt so good over this, and over having got the +goods on Von Hoffman, and about being excused for making that bad break +at drill, and not getting fired out of the Automobile Service, that I +only commenced feeling bad about Jim and me again after Mrs. Van Norden +had left me at the door of my place, and I was going up in the elevator. + +As I was letting myself in with my key I got so low in my mind again +that I felt I would just die if Jim hadn't phoned; and I knew he hadn't, +for I'd given up hope. Well, I opened the door and went in. And then I +got another shock; for right in the middle of the drawing-room stood +Jim. + +Well, first off, I didn't know him on account of him being in khaki; but +when he turned around I nearly died for sure! But I didn't actually die. +What I done is nobody's business but mine and Jim's. But I will say it +was a second lieutenant-of-aviation uniform; and they show powder on the +shoulder something terrible. + +And he had been studying for months; and that's where he was every +afternoon, and not out with some blonde, and wouldn't tell me for fear +he wouldn't get it! + +And I'm going to dance alone at night until he comes back, and all day +drive a truck or something to release a man. And that's the whole inside +story of the split, which is now readily seen is not a fight at all, at +least not yet for we got married at once. + +So, only one thing more: Regarding that alligator, Ma decided he would +be too hard to cook. So Jim took him to camp for a mascot, and by the +time he got through there he learned to understand American--believe you +me! + + + + +II + +PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO + + +I + +AIN'T it remarkable the way the war has changed the way we look at a +whole lot of things? Take wrist-watches for one. Before the military +idea was going so strong on its present booking but a little while, +wrist-watches had grabbed off a masculine standing for themselves, and +six months before no real man would of been willingly found dead in one! + +Then take newspapers! Oncet we used to look at them for news, and now we +just look at them. It's kind of a nervous habit, I guess. And take +simple little things like coal and sugar. Why once we paid no attention +to them and now we look at them real respectful--when we see them. +Which leads me on to say that the war has brought us to look at a great +many things we never even seen before, not if they was right under our +noses. That's how I come to see that letter from the W.S.S. +Committee--and would to Heaven I had not, as the poet says. For +although--believe you me--most of the mail order goods a person buys is +pretty apt to be as rep. because why would a customer write again which +had been stung once, and thrift stamps is no exception, it certainly +will be a long time before I fall so easy for anything the postman slips +me. Next time I'll recognize that his whistle is a note of warning to +more than them which has unpaid bills, which I have not and so never +listened for him. + +Well, anyways, the time this little trouble maker reached my side, I had +slipped into a simple little lounging suit of pink georgette pajamas, +and was lying on the day-bed in a regular wallow of misery on account of +wondering if Jim was dead on the gory fields of France, or was it only +the censor--do you get me? I was laying there rubbing a little cold +cream onto my nose and thinking how would it feel to be always able to +do so without losing my husband's love, which, of course, would mean he +had died at the front, when in comes Ma with a couple of letters. I give +one shriek and sprung to my feet, like a regular small-time drama, and +grabbed them off her, cold cream and all. And then slunk back upon the +day-bed and despair when I seen they weren't from Jim. Ma stood there +with her hands on her hips until she seen I wasn't going to break any +bad news to her, when she left me in peace to read them. That is she +meant to, but believe you me, it was far from it as Ma went into our +all-paid-for gold furnished parlour and commenced playing on the pianola +which Jim had give me for a souvenir before he sailed, and Ma, being +sort of heavy and strong, after twenty-five years with a circus, she has +a fierce touch. + +Well, anyways, after she had got "Soft and Low" going strong with the +loud pedal and no expression, I opened the first envelope. It was my +copy of my new contract with Goldringer all signed and everything and +calling for only twenty minutes of my first class A-1 parlour dancing +act in his new musical show at the Springtime Garden entitled "Go To It" +and which let all persons know that the party of the first part +hereinafter called the manager was willing and able to pay Miss Marie La +Tour, party of the second ditto, one thousand dollars a week. Which +certainly was _some_ party to look foreward to and scarcely any work to +speak of, a refined act like mine not calling for over three handsprings +and some new steps, which is second nature to me and I generally make up +a few every night for my own amusement same as some of those fellows +which play the piano by hand--do you get me? + +Well, anyways, when I had looked the contract over good and seen it +really was, as I had before realized in the office, more than +satisfactory, I salted it away in my toy safe which was nicely built +into the mantel-piece for the greater convenience of burglars, and then +I remembered the other envelope. All unsuspecting as a table d'hote +guest, I opened the envelope, and then almost dropped dead. + +It was from President Wilson! + +Believe you me, I leaned up against the art-gray wall paper and prepared +to faint after I had read the news. But instead of commencing, "I regret +to inform you of the death in battle," or something like that, it +started: + + + "THE WHITE HOUSE, + "Washington, D. C. + + "I earnestly appeal to every man, woman and child to pledge + themselves to save constantly and to buy as regularly as possible + the securities of the Government; and to do this as far as possible + through membership in War Savings Societies. + + "The man who buys War Savings Stamps transfers his purchasing power + to the United States Government. + + "May there be none unenlisted in the great volunteer army of + production and saving here at home. + + "WOODROW WILSON." + + +Woodrow Wilson! Signed--and addressed to _me!_ Of course it didn't +exactly begin "Dear Miss La Tour" or anything like that, and he had +signed it with a rubber stamp or something which I did not hold against +him in the least, me realizing at once what a busy man he must be. But +coming as it done instead of a death-notice which I had by this time +fully expected after no letter for over a month, it got to me very +strong. It made me feel all of a sudden that I was a pretty punk patriot +lounging around in pink georgette pajamas which--believe you me--is no +costume for war-work and felt like going right off and borrowing one of +the gingham house-dresses which I have never been able to break Ma of, +only, of course, it would of been too big and anyways what would I of +done after I had it pinned around me? Which could be said of a whole lot +of folks which were rushing into uniforms of their own inventing. + +Well, anyways, after the first shock was over, I seen there was an +enclosure with the President's letter. This was from some committee +which had a big W.S.S. lable printed at the top and a piece out of the +social register printed underneath, and was dated N. Y. It begun more +personal. + +"Dear Miss La Tour," it said. "As a woman so prominent in the theatrical +world, we feel sure that you would be glad to take an active interest in +the great Thrift movement which is now before the country. Will you not +form a theatrical women's committee that will pledge the sale of +twenty-five thousand dollars' worth of stamps on the first of the month? +The first of every month will be observed as Thrift Stamp Day, and we +will be glad to furnish you with all literature, stamps, etc., if you +will notify headquarters of your willingness to do this work." + +The letter was signed by some guy which it was impossible to read his +name because he hadn't used no rubber stamp but did it by hand and had +other things on his mind. But did I care? I did not! Believe you me, I +had already decided to do like he asked, and why would I need to know +his name when I wasn't going to write to him anyways, but to Mr. Wilson? +Dancing as long as I have which is about fifteen years or since I could +walk, pretty near, and not only professionally but drawing my own +contracts from the time most sweet young things is thinking over their +graduation dresses, I have learned one thing, if no other. Always do +business with the boss. Refuse to talk to all office boys, get friendly +with the lady stenographer, if there is one, but do all business with +the one at the head--and no other! This motto has saved me no end of +time which has been spent in healthy exercise under my own roof and Ma's +eagle eye, which otherwise might have wore out the seats of +outside-office chairs. + +And so I concluded that I'd sit right down that minute and let Mr. +Wilson know I was on the job. I knew I had some writing paper someplace +and after I had took a lot of powder and chamois and old asperin +tablets out of the desk I dug it up:--a box of handsome velour-finish +tinted slightly pink, with envelopes to match. And I got hold of a pen +and some ink which Musette, my maid, had overlooked, she being a great +writer to her young man which is French and Gawd knows how fluent she +writes him in it, only of course being born over there certainly makes a +difference. + +Well, anyways, I cleaned off the desk and rubbed the cream off my nose +and hands and set down to write that letter. And--believe you me--it was +some job. I guess I must of commenced a dozen times and tore them up +with formal openings--do you get me? And then I realized that the box of +pink tinted was getting sort of low and I had better waste not want not, +and so determined to just be natural in what I wrote but not take up his +time with too long a letter. So at last I threw in the clutch, gave +myself a little gas, and we was off, to this effect. + + "My dear Mr. Wilson:-- + + "Many thanks for yours of the 25th inst. Will at once get busy at + helping to make the first of the month savings day instead of + unpaid-bill day. + + "Cordially, + "MARIE LA TOUR." + + +This seemed refined and to the point, and although I was awful tempted +to put a P.S. asking did they know anything about Jim, I left off on +account of me not believing in asking personal favors of the Government +just now, as the war office was probably medium busy and the Censor +might answer first, at that. So I just sealed it up as it was, and about +then Ma left off playing on my souvenir and came in with a pink satin +boudoir cap down tight over her head. Ma just can't seem to get over the +idea that boudoir caps at five dollars and up per each is a sort of de +lux housework garment. + +"I'm just going in the kitchen and beat up a few cakes for lunch," said +Ma, and withdrew, leaving me to lick on three cents and shoot the letter +fatefully and finally down the drop near the gilt-bird-cage elevator of +our home-like little flat. I felt awfully relieved and chesty somehow +when it was done and with her good news ringing in my ears. For Ma is +certainly some cook, and she has it all over our chef, who--believe you +me--knows she would never be missed if she went although Ma simply can't +learn to stay out of the kitchen. And while she was busy with the butter +and eggs and sugar and wheat flour, I was deciding to call a committee, +because I knew that was the way you generally start raising twenty-five +thousand dollars worth of anything, except a personal note. + +Committee meetings is comparative strangers to me except the White +Kittens Annual Ball, and a few benefit performances which last is +usually for the benefit of those which are to be in it, they leaving +aside all consideration of the benefit of the audience much less of the +charity it is supposed to be for, and the main idea being how long each +actor can hold the spotlight. You may have noticed how these benefit +performances runs on for hours. + +Well, anyways, I having been to several such as of course the best known +parlour dancing act in America and the world, like mine undoubtedly is, +is never overlooked. And I knew we had to get a place with a big table +and chairs set around it and then the committee was started. So the +White Kittens always having met in the Grand Ball Room of the Palatial +Hotel, I called up the place and hired the room for the next morning at +twelve-thirty, me being determined that my Theatrical Ladies Committee +should get there directly after breakfast. The cost of the room was one +hundred dollars, and I didn't know was the Government to pay it or us, +but I was, of course, willing to do it myself if necessary. Anyways it +was a committee-room, I knew that by reason of my having sat in it as +such at least twice each year since the place was built--way back in +'13. Then all I had to do was get my committee. + +I had just about dived for the telephone book to see who would I call +up, when Ma come in, taking off the pink satin cap and wiping her face. + +"I made a omlette," said Ma. "Come catch it before it falls!" + +And so I called it the noon-whistle though some might of called it a +day, and we went in and while we ate only a simple little lunch of the +omlette (which we got at first base) and liver and bacon and cold roast +beef and a few stewed prunes with the fresh cake, I told Ma about what +had happened, and how I had already got after the job. + +"Well, Mary Gilligan, you done the right thing!" said Ma. "And what kind +of costume are you going to wear?" + +"The notices don't say anything about a uniform," I explained to her. +"And I'm pretty sure you don't need any. This is the sort of thing our +leading society swells are taking up so heavy," I says, "and to do it is +not only patriotic but feminine to the core," I says. + +"Will you have to stand on the street-corners and worry the life out of +folks?" Ma wanted to know. + +"Not much!" I says. "That stuff is for the hoi-poli and idle rich and +kids and unemployed. That's where some of the new democracy comes in. Us +with brains is to do the office work. Them with good hearts only can do +theirselves and the country more service in the stores and street-cars +selling something that don't belong to them," I says, "and--believe you +me--I bet any American gets a funny sensation doing that little thing." + +Ma looked real impressed for a minute, showing she hadn't any idea what +I was talking about. Then she come back to her main idea with which she +had started which you can bet she always does until she gets through +with it her own self. + +"Well, I think you ought to have something for a uniform," she says. +"Say a cap and maybe a trench coat!" + +"I wouldn't wear no trench coat around the Forty-Second Street and +Broadway trenches," I says. "I wouldn't actually have the nerve to +insult the army like that!" + +And Ma seen what I meant and said no more which it certainly is +remarkable how good we get on for Mother and daughter. + +So she only urged me to have another cream-cake, which I took and then I +made for the phone and started calling up some ladies to form the +committee out of. After thinking the matter over very careful I finally +decided on six of the most prominent in my line which was, of course, +the Dahlia sisters which had been often on the same bill with me and, of +course, they ain't really related--no such team work as theirs was ever +pulled by members of the same family, unless maybe when knocking some +absent member--do you get me? Well, anyways, beside them I got Madame +Clementina Broun, the well known Lady Baritone, she being a rather +substantial party which would give weight to us in cabaret circles. Of +course Pattie The Dancer had to be asked, she being so prominent +especially as to her tights and strong pull with Goldringer but I only +done it out of diplomacy, which any one knows committees has to have a +lot of. And she is less diplomatic than me as well, for instead of just +accepting for her own self she accepts also for some friends which I had +not invited, and she did not name. Pattie is alias Mrs. Fred +Hutchins--him who gets up those reviews--you know--which is the only +reason she is starred in them for Gawd only knows a child which had been +started anywheres near right could of done her steps at the age of +seven, they being mere hard-sole clog with no arm movements but having a +great many imitators among college boys and such, that scare-crow stuff +being as showy as it is easy. + + +Well, anyways, when I had got this far I had one vacancy on my hands and +as our Allies was not sufficiently represented so far, decided on Mlle. +DuChamps which of course she was really born in Paris, Indiana, but as a +toe-dancer is unequalled in any language and has a lovely broken +accent. So there we had France. Madame Clementia was married to a +Italian and he being dead or something I never asked what I felt she was +a safe Ally because she couldn't of revolted, not if a schrapnel was to +have went off under her. Pattie was of course Irish and the Dahlias' +Jewish, and Gawd knows what the other girl was and I didn't care. + + +II + +WHEN they had all promised to get theirselves waked up on time and be +over to the Palatial, I kind of weakened on Ma's suggestion about +clothes. Of course I wasn't going to fall for that uniform stuff, but +when me and Musette looked over my clothes I simply didn't have a thing +to wear. Every one of my dresses was too morning or evening or something +and above all things I do believe in dressing a part, and certainly I +had nothing which looked like a chairmaness. So after getting into a +simple little sports costume of violet satin and my summer furs, and +taking a peep into the mail box to see had anything got by the censor +yet which of course it hadn't, I started out to buy me something which +would be quiet but tasty and snappy because nothing inspires respect in +a ladies committee like a dress none of them has seen before. + +Have you ever noticed how you can pass up something which has been right +under your nose day after day and then all of a sudden you hitch on to +something which belongs to it and then all you see is that thing--do you +get me? Say yellow kid boots. You never even noticed a pair, but one day +you buy them and next time you're out every second woman has them on. Or +you go into mourning for somebody and all of a sudden you commence +noticing how many other people is the same only of course there ain't +over the average--it's only that you notice it because you are in it. +Well, believe you me--that first afternoon I went out after receiving +the President's letter, I was that way with this W.S.S. stuff. Of course +I had bought my thousand dollars worth the first week they was out, as +had also Ma and she and I together the same for Musette. But we had done +it on the Liberty Loans the same, also Red Cross and thought we was +through and all the signs and posters and what not had come to be +invisible to me like a chewing-gum or a soap ad--do you get me? + +But now I was in it and not only did I see every sign and see them good, +but felt like I had one on my back and everybody must know about the +letter and everything. I walked kind of springy, too, in spite of the +furs, and then when I turned into the Avenue, me being on foot, a five +mile walk per day having to be got away with by me or Ma would know the +reason why, the trouble commenced. Believe you me, I must of refused to +buy thrift stamps one hundred times in twenty blocks, and every time I +said I had all I could, the look I got handed me would have withered a +publicity man. There must be a hot lot of fancy liars among us, with no +imagination, for why would W.S.S. still be on sale if everybody had +bought that much? And when I wasn't refusing to buy stamps I was forking +out quarters for everything from blind Belgian hares to Welch Rabbits +for German prisoners. And it's a good thing I had a charge account to +Maison Rosabelle's or I would never of got my dress. And the more I was +pestered to buy them stamps the madder I got. I commenced to feel it was +a regular hold up, and that the police ought to interfere. A person +which is pestered to death will even sour on the Red Cross. I don't mean +that they ain't humane, neither--only that they are human, and the most +dangerous thing to do to a human is to bore it--any one in the +theatrical professions learns that young and thoroughly. And when I +realized that I was getting bored with this constant hold-up I got a +fearful jolt and a cold chill. + +Here I was undertaking to chair a committee to sell the things and Gawd +knows my heart ought to of been in it with Jim over there and all, and +it was, only getting bored with the war is kind of natural, it being so +far off and nothing likely to do us personal bodily injury on the Avenue +unless maybe the restaurants or a auto and that our own fault. And so +soon as I realized what I was up against with the great Boredom Peril, I +realized also what I had personally in writing promised Mr. Wilson, and +took a brace. It was just like the early days on the Small-Time when the +booking depends on the hand and the hand was the one which fed us--and +not any too much at that with the carrying expenses--and the hand was +getting weaker. Me and Ma sat up all one night doping out my double +handspring with the heel-click. And it was a desperate effort and we +thought it was a flivver but not at all. When I landed on my feet after +the first try-out, I knew I was there to stay, and any intelligent +public will realize that I remembered it now. And by this time I had +reached the store I was headed for. + + +I will confess that from the moment I had decided to buy a new dress I +had my mind all set on what it was to be--something sheer and +light--printed chiffon, and a hat to go with it. But by the time I had +reached Maison Rosabelle my hunch on my new job was beginning to go +strong and one of the things that worried me was that dress. Also my +lunch. Sometimes it happens that too much of a good thing is the only +thing which will turn you against it--do you get me? And Ma's cream +cakes had this effect. Maybe had I eat less of them I would not have had +no indigestion and so not counted their cost as Lincoln, or somebody, +says. And if I hadn't had the indigestion maybe I wouldn't of worried +over the dress. Well, anyways, the first person I see inside the store +was Maison herself, very elegant and slim, only with a little too much +henna in her hair as usual. + +"Well, Masie," I said when we had got into the privacy of the art-gray +dressing room and lit a cigarette, while the girl went for some models. +"Well, Masie, I want to know is business good?" Masie is her real name +she having Frenchified it for business reasons, the same as myself. + +"Oh, dearie!" says she. "Business is elegant! With so many officers in +town, I can scarcely keep enough things in stock. The beaded georgettes +go so fast, on account of being perishable. Ruby Roselle had three last +week of me. One party and they're gone!" + +While Masie and me has been friends ever since I can remember, her +mother having been Lady Lion Tamer in the same circus with Ma and Pa's +trapeze act, as she uttered them words, I commenced feeling a little +coolness toward her. For once I get a idea in my head it's a religion to +me, and the W.S.S. was getting to me. + +"Dont you think maybe that's profiteering, Masie?" I ast. + +Maison run a well manicured hand over her marcelle and smiled +superior--she has always prided herself on being sort of high-brow and +reads _Sappy Stories_ regular. + +"Why, dearie, how you talk!" she says. "Dont you know that a little +gaiety keeps up the morale of the country?" + +"I'm not so sure about some gaiety keeping up the moral of anything!" I +says with meaning, not wishing to directly knock anybody but still +wishing Masie to get me. "And personally myself, I think any time's a +bad time to waste money on clothes which won't last!" + +"My goodness, Sweetie!" Masie shrieked. "What's gonner become of us if +ladies was to quit buying? Tell me that? How we gonner hire our help, +and all, and how can they live if we dont hire 'em? Have a heart!" she +says. "And what are you talking about--you coming in after a new dress +yourself, and only last week had two chiffons which Gawd knows ain't +chain-armour for wear!" + +"I know!" I admitted, "but I'm going to can my order. Just tell the girl +to bring gingham or something which will wash--if you got such a thing!" + +"Well, Mary Gilligan, I guess you're going nutty!" says Masie, but she +gives the order, and I choose one at $15--which could be dry-cleaned, +and that was the nearest I could come to what I was after. + +"You wont like it!" Masie warned me. "It's too cheap--better take a good +silk!" + +But I wouldn't--not on a bet. Even although what Masie said about +cutting down too much on buying stuff sounded sensible, or would if only +the question was how far can a person cut before they reach the quick? +Of course I see her point, and she had as good a right to live as me. +Yet something was wrong some place, I couldn't figure out where. So I +just charged the dress and set out for home, and owning a cotton dress +made me feel awful warlike and humble--do you get me? + +But while I felt better about my dress, the cream-cakes was still with +me, and, being now a sort of Government Official, they and that got me +noticing the food signs, as well, and wishing I had eat only a little +cereal for my lunch. That gave me a idea which on arriving home I handed +to Ma. + +"I have just bought me a wash-dress, or almost so, Ma!" I told her. "And +honest to Gawd I do think we ought to eat to match it. Suppose we was +to go on war-rations of our own free wills?" + +"Well, we eat pretty plain and wholesome now!" says Ma. "Just like we +always done!" + +"But times is different!" I says, toying with the soda-mint bottle, and +who knows but what they were being more needed abroad? "And cream-cakes +is a non-essential. Especially to one which has to keep her figure +down," I says. "So for lunch to-morrow let's have cereal only," I says. + +Well I hate to take pleasure from any one and the sight of Ma's face +when I said this would of brought tears to a glass eye. But I felt +particularly strong-minded just then what with the indigestion and no +letter from the censor yet and Gawd knows that is no joke as they are +certainly more his than Jim's by the time they get to me! But after I +had told Ma how all the caviar had ought to be sent over to the boys and +how food would win the war and how Wilson expected every man--you +know--well, she got all enthusiastic over making up a lot of cheap +recipes and we had the butcher and grocer pared down to about ninety +cents each per day. Ma could just see herself growing slim, and she kept +remembering things she used to cook for Pa in the old days before she +retired on the insurance money. And first thing you knew the time had +come for me to go to the theatre. Just as I was starting for the door Ma +mentioned Rosco, our publicity man. + +"Are you going to call him or will I?" she wanted to know. + +"About what?" I asked. + +"Why about your committee-meeting to-morrow?" she says. + +"Nothing doing!" I came back at her. "Would you invite a manager to see +a practice-act? Its going to be amateur-night for me, to-morrow is, and +no outsiders are urged to attend! And anyways, I'm not doing this for +publicity which Gawd knows I dont need any, but for my Uncle Sam!" + +"Well, thank goodness, you aint go no other relations you feel that way +about," says Ma, "or we'd all be in the poorhouse shortly!" + + +III + +Well, that night when I came home I cried myself to sleep with my head +under the pillow so's Ma wouldn't hear what I called the censor, but +slept good on account of the simple little war-supper of only lettuce +and a cup of soup which Ma had ready for me, and in the morning was up +with the lark as the poet says, only of course they was really sparrows, +it being the city. Well, anyways, I felt good and husky and as early as +eleven-thirty I was all fixed up in the new wash dress, which its a +actual fact Musette had to sew it together four separate places that it +come apart while putting it on me. The goods wasn't the quality I had +thought, come to look at them closer, but anyways it was cheap and that +was one good thing about it. Ma brought me in a shredded wheat-less +biscuit and a cup of coffee, a sort of funny look on her face like she +had taken her oath and would stick it out to the death. She didn't say +anything, only set it down and I ate it, saying nothing either because +it was what we had agreed we would get along on for breakfast. When I +was through she give me a news item. + +"The cook is leaving!" she says. "On account of the new rations." + +"That's no loss!" I says gaily, because as a general thing Ma is only +too glad when this happens. + +"I ain't so sure!" says Ma. "I'm not as young as I was, and I cant do +_all_ the cooking!" + +Well--believe you me--I sat up and took notice of that! Ma kicking at +her favorite pastime. Something was wrong. But even then I didn't get +what it was. So I just remarked we could eat our dinners at the Ritz +that being good publicity anyways and always expected of me in full +evening dress when I am dancing. So that much settled and there being no +letter yet and me being sort of nervous about that meeting which was +breaking ahead, I went and beguiled a hour at Jim's souvenir. I thought +a whole lot of that pianola, he having given it to me just before he +sailed, and as of course it was too heavy to wear over my aching heart +which is generally supposed to be done with souvenirs of loved ones +overseas, I put in a good deal of time sitting at it, and--believe you +me--my touch is a whole lot better than Ma's which me being light on my +feet by nature and business both, is not so surprising. Well, I got +myself all worked up over Jim while playing "Somewhere A Voice Is +Calling with Mandolin Arrangement" and a whole lot of expression and +what with feeling a little low on account of the patriotic breakfast, I +was just in the right frame of mind to throw myself heart and soul into +the good work before me--do you get it? You do! + + +Well, I had no sooner left the shelter of our own flat, than that same +hold-up game which I had noticed so particular the day before was +started on me. The elevator-girls, which had taken the place of a +standing yet sitting army of foreign princes which had used to clutter +up our front hall and the only excuse they had for living was the nerve +they give the landlord when he come to price the rents:--well, anyways, +the girls which had taken their places since the draft blew in, was +selling W.S.S. Of course I couldn't buy any for the same reasons as +yesterday. So they sprung a working girls War Crippled Aid Fund and I +contributed to that, because I believe in girls running elevators. Why +wouldn't they, when thousands has run dumb-waiters so good for years? +Well, anyways, I give them something and escaped to the street only to +be lit on for stamps by the first small boy I met. And after only seven +others had tried me, I got to the Palatial Hotel, and--believe you +me--by that time worried pretty severely about how could a person sell +twenty-five thousand dollars worth of the pesky things and not get slain +by some impatient citizen who felt that I was the last camel and his +back was broke, or whatever the poet says? Really, it was serious, and +being the first of the Theatrical Ladies to arrive, the big ballroom +with the table and seven empty chairs like a desert island in the middle +of the floor, failed to cheer me any. + +Well, there was a arm-chair at one end of the table and there being +nobody around to either elect me or stop me, I grabbed off this chair +and held to it with the grim expression of a suburbanite who knows her +husband isn't coming but wont admit it, and a good thing I acted prompt +as should be done in all war-measures, because pretty soon the other +ladies commenced arriving. I guess they must of thought they could get a +better part by coming early, they was so prompt, and by one o'clock they +was actually all there except Pattie and her unknown friend, which was +pretty good, the date having been twelve-thirty. + +Well, we all shook hands and I arose from my seat but didn't move a inch +away from it, having seen something of committee meetings where the +wrong person had it. And then they all sat down and took in my dress and +hat and I theirs, and we was very amiable and refined and I felt so glad +I had picked such a good bunch and wished Pattie would hurry so's we +could commence, when lo! as the poet says, my wish was granted, for in +come Pattie and with her her friend and My Gawd, if it wasn't Ruby +Roselle! + +Well, far be it from me to say anything about any lady, only pro-Germans +is pro-Germans by any other name, as Shakespeare says, provided you can +find it out, and here she was, butting in on a gathering of would-be +Dolly Madisons and Moll Pritchers and everything, and I wouldn't of +invited her for the world if only Pattie had mentioned her name. But +here she was, all dressed up like a plush horse and so friendly it got +me worried right away. Any one which has seen Ruby in her red, white and +blue tights will at once realize what I mean, though nothing but the +tights was ever proved against her. What on earth she wanted with our +committee was very suspicious because why would she ever of taken a +expensive and difficult present like a baby alligator from a German +which she once done, if not pro, her own self? + +But time for starting something had sure come, if we was ever to get any +lunch, so I got them all seated and commenced--a little weak in the +knees which it was a good thing I was seated, but strong in the voice, +so as to start the moral right--do you get me? + +"Ladies of the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee," I began, being +determined not to waste no time on formalities, which it has always +seemed to me that on such occasions a lot of gas is used up in them +which would have run the machine quite a ways if applied properly. We +all knew we was the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee and I was the +chairman, so why waste words making me it? "Ladies," I says, "I have a +letter from President Wilson asking me to get to work, and so have +formed a committee to sell twenty-five thousand dollars worth of War +Savings Stamps on the first of the month. I sat right down and wrote him +I would do it, and here we are. Of course this being the twenty-eighth +of the month the notice is short. Probably he didn't expect us really to +get to work until next month, but personally, myself, I think we should +surprise him by getting the money by Saturday night, which Saturday +night is the first. Now, you Committee Ladies is here to discuss how +will we do it. I would be glad to hear ideas, suggestions and etc." + +Well, nobody said anything for a few minutes only Ruby put a little +powder on her nose and looked at it critical in her vanity case mirror, +which well she might for Gawd knows she had powder enough on her +already. Then Madame Broun, the Lady Baritone, cleared her throat. + +"I would be glad to give a recital," she said, swelling up her neatly +upholstered black satin bosom, "and turn over the money it brings in. I +presume the Government would hire the theatre for me." + +"Well," I says, "that is a real nice suggestion only not quite +practical. You see it wouldn't be right to ask the Government to pay for +the theater in case it was a wet Monday and only a few came in out of +the rain. Any more ideas?" + +The blond Dahlia sister spoke up then. + +"Whatever you suggest goes with me, Marie," she says, which was terrible +sweet of her, only it's a darn sight easier to give a proxy than a good +suggestion, which I did not however mention, Blondie being a real fine +Jewish American and a willing worker as I well knew. + +"I thought of course it was a benefit we would give," put in Pattie in a +voice which just plain dismissed every other possibility. "I have a new +patter to 'Yankee Doodle' with a red, white and blue spot on me, at +front center with the rest of the house dark. It ought to go big about +the center of the programme." + +After which modest little suggestion she sunk gracefully back into her +seat and commenced shadow-tapping the tune with her feet under the +committee table. + +"Well, benefits is always possible," I said, "and of course we could +have it with admission by W.S.S. only. But it's been done a lot and +three days ain't so very much time in which to get it up in a way which +would do your act justice," I says. + +"Ah! _cheries!_" says Mlle. DuChamp. "Mes petites!" she says, whatever +that was. "I have zee gran' idea--perfect! I will make zee speach on zee +steps of zee Library of zee Public at Forty-Second Street and Feeth +Avenoo. I will arise, I will stretch my han', I will call out +'Cityonnes! 'Urry up queek! Your countree call you--Formez vos +battillions!' and while I make zee dramatic appeal zee ozzers can +collect twenty-five t'ousand dollar from zee breathless crowd!" + +She had got up on her box-toed shoes and was making the grandest +gestures you ever see. Honest to Gawd I do believe that girl has herself +kidded into believing that the Paris she was born in was France, not +Ind. I kind of waved at her, and when she had flopped back into her +place, completely overcome by her emotions, I suggested that maybe the +Library wasn't as Public as it looked, being generally occupied of a +fine afternoon by wounded soldiers making the same line of talk, and of +course Mlle. DuChamps would be more _chic_ and all that, but would she +be let? + +"Of course she wouldn't!" says Ruby, coming out of her vanity-case for a +minute. "Of course not! My idea is that we all chip in say about seven +thousand five hundred and let it go at that!" + +Somehow this cheap-Jack way of getting out of doing any work by spending +a little money, got my goat something fierce. Besides which it was +Ruby's idea of patriotism and all against W.S.S. rules and everything, +but for the minute I was so floored I couldn't speak. The dark Dahlia +did it for me, though, and much more contained than I could of at the +time. + +"That's mighty generous, Miss Roselle," she says just as sweet, "only +you see me and Blondie has each got our thousand dollars worth and one +person can't get more," she says. + +"Well, I'll take a thousand dollars worth then," said Ruby, and I could +see very plain that the matter was finished in her mind, and what would +you expect different after them patriotic tights of hers? + +"I'll take a thousand also," put in Madame Broun. "To tell the right +truth I haven't a one. What do you do with them--stick them on the backs +of letters like Tuberculosis, or Merry Xmas?" + +Well, we explained they was not a additional burden to the postman but +more or less of a investment. And then the awful truth come out that +Pattie hadn't none either and that Mlle. DuChamps had always thought +they was to put on tobacco boxes and candy and everything you stored up +in the house to eat, though Gawd only knows how she got that idea except +of course it's the truth that most people is boobs, outside of their +own line, more's the pity! + + +Well, anyways, we took in four thousand right then and there and so all +that remained was twenty-one. Ruby undertook to sell another three among +her personal friends, and the Dahlias said they thought they could raise +as much more between theirselves. Then when Mlle. DuChamps and Madame +Broun had concluded to take on three apiece there was eleven thousand +dollars worth of friendless little stamps with nobody to love them but +me. Well, with no better schemes than benefits and concerts and talks in +sight, I see it was up to me to bite off the biggest slice of pie +myself, so I said I'd take the remainder. Of course with my influence +and name and all I would of had no trouble getting rid of them only by +asking prominent men like Goldringer and Rosco and the Dancing Trust +people beside a few more personal ones. And then when we had got this +far I see some of the ladies commence looking at their wrist-watches for +other reasons than to show they had them, and so hustled up the last of +the business which was merely how would we print our forms for +subscribers to fill out. Ruby suggested a gilt-edge card tinted violet +with whatever lettering I chose, and while I didn't care for it I +agreed, being hungry myself. + +"I do think it is awful fine of you to take on that big amount," said +Pattie. "But you always was generous, Marie, I will say that for you." + +"Ladies!" I said. "No thanks where they dont belong. Because I am +undertaking this sale for far other reasons than you suppose." + +But since everybody by then plainly cared more for their lunch than my +reasons we parted, agreeing to send the money to my place on Sunday +morning. + + +IV + +But I will here set down my unspoken reasons, which was that fine as it +is to walk out to your rich friends and pluck a thousand worth of stamps +per each off them and of course nobody but thinks the rich should have +them, too, I had a strong hunch that the reason for selling stamps at +five dollars or even two bits, was because every one could get in on a +good thing that way. Somehow there seemed something too up-stage about +going in only for the high spots, and after ordering the cards I hurried +home full of determination to make a stab at selling to the common herd +and with a terrible appetite and anxious as could be over the one +o'clock mail. + +Well, the last two was doomed to a immediate disappointment because the +censor was sitting just as tight as ever and there was only cereal for +lunch. Believe you me it give me sort of a jolt when I sat down to so +little and Ma's face was not any too cheering. We commenced to eat in +silence which being both perfect ladies was the only thing to do as it +was also burned. But after a minute Ma lay down on the job. She pushed +her dish over toward me in disgust. + +"Try that on your piano, Mary Gilligan!" she says. + +"Well, Ma, you know what war is," I says. "And we'll get a good meal at +the Ritz to-night to make up!" + +Well, anyways, sustained more by patriotism than by what I had eat, I +set out to put over a scheme I had all hatched out in my head for using +places which was already kind of organized, as my selling agents--do you +get me? And the first place I went was to Maison Rosabelle's +because--believe you me--that cheap dress I had bought off her needed a +plastic surgeon by then. Maison was as usual giving a unconscious +imitation of a trained seal, switching gracefully around the store with +a customer which she was hypnotizing into all forgetfulness of prices. +But finally I got her alone long enough to express what I thought about +the dress and any lady will be able to imagine what that was. Then I +asked her could she fall in with my scheme which was on Saturday to take +only Thrift Stamps or W.S.S. for each purchase and sell them the stamps +herself. Maison didn't enthuse over the idea, though she's rich at that. + +"Why, dearie! Not on a bet!" she said. "It ain't that I'm not patriotic, +but this establishment is _exclusive!"_ + +Well, I seen there was no use arguing with her, and I guess there never +is with a woman which is marcelle-waved every day of her life, not to +mention that cheap fake of a dress. Next one I buy of her without a +guarantee will be for her funeral! So I just left her flat and went over +to Chamberlin's. Of course it takes a whole lot more brains to run a +enormous cabaret and restaurant like his than Maison has to use if less +nerve, he not coming personally into contact with the customers like she +does, and I counted on this. I went in by the main door where a lady sat +selling W.S.S. and she bored me to death with them while a captain went +to find Chamberlin. When I seen him coming I tried to assume that +sprightly and convincing manner of the sidewalk W.S.S. hounds, but was +overcome with that deep seated sense of being about to make a flivver, +which also shows on most of them. However, Chamberlin was a genial good +soul and was crazy over stamps. But he had beat me to it on the +admission only by buying stamps on Saturday night. + +"Better try among your rich friends, Miss La Tour!" he says. "And you'll +be surprised how many you'll sell. That's the easiest way unless you use +a gun!" + +"I don't want to sell to my friends," says I. "I want to sell to +everybody--get folks to chip in. The chipping-in idea is what is so +good--get together and all that." + +Well, believe you me--after this I tried a dozen places and every one of +them, stores and all, where I had any influence or charge account, had +got theirselves so full of W.S.S. schemes that I felt like a helpless +babe in arms as the poet says, before I was through. There was no room +for my little $11,000 worth any place: they had all stocked up, and what +to do next I had no idea. + +On the way to the Ritz that night Ma didn't talk steady like she usually +does and seemed kind of low in her mind, and maybe in her stomach also +which I was the same by then. Not to mention the censor which it is +better not to for fear I might say what I thought and he a Government +official. + +But anyways no sooner was we inside the hotel than two society swells +tackled us for W.S.S. Oh, they was democratic, just! They spoke right to +us, and everything! But my goat was got by it. + +"A regular hold-up!" I whispered to Ma. And as I spoke them fateful +words I remembered that I owned a gun, which it was left from a piece I +done for the movies and I had kept it for a souvenir. Of course I +dismissed the thought at once like the sensible woman I am. But somehow +it wouldn't exactly stay away. + +Did you ever get to seeing things as they really was and wondering why +on earth people go through such a lot of motions pretending things is +not what they seem, as some guy so truly says--do you get me? As soon as +I had said "hold-up" I realized that that was just what was being done. +And when I realized that it was _necessary_ to hold up people in order +to get them to make a safe investment which would earn them a good net +profit while saving their fool lives, I got so raving mad that a gun +seemed too good for them. And mad at myself, too, for not seeing sooner +how much my own Jim's welfare was hanging onto my shoulders. Somehow up +to then I had really a idea that the bunch down in Washington was +relieving me of all trouble and responsibility about this war. But now I +seen it wasn't so. If the G.A.P. or Great American People was actually +such boobs that they didn't flock up and wish their life savings onto +such a scheme, they had ought to be made to, same as Ma used to hold my +nose for my own good and believe you me--I can taste that oil to this +day! + +Well, anyways, this philosophy stuff kept going through my mind while +running up a considerable check which Gawd knows we needed it or the +undertaker would of conscripted us. And then all of a sudden who did I +see but Ruby Roselle only two tables away and with her a husky young +lounge-lizzard which goes around with her a lot--you know--one of the +kind whose favorite flower is the wild oat, but never has anything to +spend but the evening. And him and Ruby had their heads together and was +watching me like the German spies in a movie which every one in the +audience spots except their victims which of course are looking at the +director close up front which is certainly the only reason they are +fooled. + +Well, anyways, I was surprised to see Ruby because Broadway places is +more her speed, and I never see her in such refined surroundings before. +But I realizing about her kind of patriotism I commenced wondering +wasn't she there to watch me? Though for what reason I had no idea. + +That night after the show, I asked Goldringer wouldn't he use the +admission by W.S.S. Saturday, and he wouldn't because he had it on for +one of his other theatres. And so I went home in despair and a taxi, and +was further cheered by a empty letter-box. + +In the morning the cards come--a thousand of them--and certainly more +elegant looking than I had expected, I will say that for Ruby and +reading as follows: + +"The Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee will deliver to ............ of +............ worth of W.S.S. stamps on presentation of this card. +Payment for same is hereby acknowledged." + +Then came a blank which it was up to me to fill in. Well, I didn't +hesitate and after a hearty breakfast of crackers and milk and weak tea, +I tied up the lace sleeves of my negligee and set to work at signing +them. Believe you me, before I was done I quite see why President Wilson +used a rubber stamp! But I didn't weaken until noon, when any one would +have on the meal I'd had. And by then they was finished anyways and +every one of them valid and as good as my cheque. Then just as I was +feeling proud of myself in come Ma and I could see at once she was going +to take a fall out of me in her sweet womanly way. + +"If you ain't too busy with your war work," says Ma very gentle but +firm, "I'd like to talk to you about something before we set down to +the skeleton lunch which is waiting and can be continued in our next for +all I care!" she says. + +Well, I got that gone-around-the-middle feeling which I always get when +Ma gives me a certain look, just like I used to when she'd tell me soap +was good for washing out the mouths of kids which had told a lie. And so +I just set there and listened. + +"Now, Mary Gilligan," she commenced. "Do you know the size of the cheque +you signed over to the hotel last night?" + +"About twelve-fifty," I says sort of getting a glimmer. + +"When your Pa and me was married he give me twelve a week for all our +meals!" she says, and set back and folded her hands in a way which said +all she hadn't. + +"But times has changed," I says sort of feeble. + +"But appetites has not!" says Ma. "And how can you keep in good training +on this war-nonsense?" she wanted to know. "Not to mention me, which it +might improve my figure but never my disposition?" + +"But how about making war sacrifices and all, Ma?" I says. "Jim ain't +eating like we done up till yesterday!" + +"Nor he ain't eating twelve dollar dinners at the Ritz, neither," she +reminds me, at which of course I shut up and she went on. "Now I dont +believe being stingy to ourselves is really gonner help the war. You +have strode in upon my department for once, Mary Gilligan, and I'm going +to put you out! You don't know where to economize and I do. No more +eating out, and a good sensible table at home, minus cream cakes," she +says, "is what we do from now on!" + +And with that she marches out leaving me flat as one of her own +pan-cakes. Well, this was bad enough, but when Musette got after me as I +was dressing to go for my five miles, I seen that my humbling for the +day was not finished. + +"That dress Madam bought yesterday," she began. + +"You can have it!" I said, beating her to it, or so I thought. + +"Thank you, I do not care for it," says Musette. "I was just remarking +it is really not fit to wear again. Madam would of done better to pay a +little more!" + +Can you beat it? You can not! Two falls from one pride! Believe you me I +took _some_ walk that afternoon, and if I had wore a speedomiter I bet +it would have registered a lot over five miles. And while I was walking +I kept getting madder and madder and more and more worked up over what +boneheads people was and how was a person to economize nowadays and how +on earth would I sell all them stamps by Saturday night with a matinee +in between and keep my promise to President Wilson? It begun to look +like I was going to have to become one of them sidewalk pests. I got a +real good picture of myself going up to the proud or pesky passer-by, +and getting turned down so often that my spirit was bent thinking of it. + +But--believe you me--I made up my mind that if I had to hold up anybody +to make them invest in the World's Soundest Securities or W.S.S. I would +hold them up good and plenty and no disguise about it. I thought again +about my revolver, the one which I had used it in the movies when I done +"The Dancer's Downfall" for them and kept it for a souvenir. I was that +wrought up over the situation that by the time I got home I had pretty +near decided I'd take that fire-arm to the theatre and lock the doors +and come down front center and shoot out one of the lights to show I +meant it and then take the money right off the audience. The theatre +being my native element it seemed only natural to pull the trick there, +only being a lady the gun really did look a little rough only not more +so than the public deserved. + + +V + +WELL, anyways, I was certainly up against it with all them blanks still +on my hands and no way in sight of getting rid of them. And just to make +things nice and pleasant, what do I see when I come on the stage that +night but Ruby Roselle and her pet lounge-lizzard which were sitting in +a box. She certainly seems to go in for reptiles for pets. And no sooner +did I get off after my eighth curtain call, than around she comes to my +dressing room and hands me a check for her stamps and for the ones she +had undertaken to sell and already had. + +"I suppose yours is all sold too!" says Ruby. "You are so efficient, +dearie!" + +"Oh, mine are all right!" I snapped. "Or will be by this time +to-morrow." + +"Why, ain't they gone?" she cooed. And did I wish for my gun? I did! +"Ain't you give any of them cards out yet?" she says. + +"No!" I says. "But I will--I'll commence with you, dear Miss Roselle," I +says. "And here you are"--and I filled out the receipt cards which I had +a few in my vanity case for emergencies, and give them to her. When she +took them I noticed she had a awful funny look in her eye, but at the +time it meant nothing to me. Alas! Would I had heeded it more--but +no--solid ivory! Solid ivory! I passed it up completely. And Ruby +grabbed the cards, collected her new pet animal, and went away. + +Well, my state of mind that night was distinctly poor, even after the +nice little well-ballanced war-ration of hot chocolate and corn bread +with brown sugar which Ma had for me and delicious as anything you ever +ate if she did get the recipe out of a newspaper and they so unreliable +nowadays. But no letter from Jim, and so after I had asked Ma if she +thought it was right to wear black, I went to bed and fell into a +exhausted sleep which lasted well on toward the box-office man's +afternoon on, because Ma always lets me sleep late when I have to dance +twice. + +Well, anyways, I was so rushed getting to the theatre for the matinee +that I hadn't no time to try any of that sidewalk stuff, only I did get +a cheque from each of the other committee members and told Ma to send +them receipt cards. And did I feel cheap? I _did!_ A flivver, that was +what I had made. But so long as Jim was surely dead by now, I didn't +care for myself. Only my promise to Mr. Wilson made a lump in my throat +while doing my three hand-springs and the "Valse Superb," which shows +how bad I felt. And what do you know, when I took my encore, there was +Ruby Roselle again, down in front and all alone. + +This got about the last butt out of my goat and I sent an usher to get +her, but Ruby had went before the usher had made up her mind to +undertake the mission. I was just about wild all the way home, and the +sight of Ma's face when I got there almost made me cry it was that sweet +and friendly. Honest to Gawd when Ma has got her own way about anything +she is just lovely to be with! And having got the kitchen back and the +grandest dish of baked beans all full of molasses and salt pork for +dinner, she was feeling fine and I was the same under her influence and +even let her play "Sing Me to Sleep" with the loud pedal on Jim's +souvenir afterwards and never said a word to her about it, though +suffering while I listened. And then it was time to go back to the +theatre and I took Musette and that whole box of gilt edged securities +which seemed no good to nobody, but I took them, and a good yet bad +thing I did, for on the way downtown I decided what to do, and when I +got there, called the ushers and gave them instructions and a little +something else by way of promoting kindly feelings. And then with +beating heart I beat it for the dressing room and commenced rubbing on +my make-up cream with trembling fingers. + + +Did you ever make one of them critical decisions which you knew in your +heart you was actually going to carry it through and no camouflage, even +if it killed you and it very likely to? Well, when I decided to make a +speech right out in public I got that feeling--do you get me? And any +Elk or other lodge member which attends annual banquets will know what I +mean. Honest to Gawd I nearly missed my cue, and after I finally got on +the stage the dance I did must of been either automatic or a +inspiration and I don't know why they liked it out in front, but they +did. All I personally myself could hear was "Ladies and Gentleman, I +want to speak a word to you,"--You know! And hand-springs in between! +Well of course when I come out for my first encore I didn't have the +wind to say nothing--But my eyes was as good as ever and there in a box +was Ruby Roselle again! + +Believe you me--that was a jolt and a half! Here she had come to give me +the laugh I had no doubt, and somehow after the second call my wind was +all of a sudden back good and strong, and with it came my courage. For I +wouldn't of been downed by her, not for anything! + +So stepping foreward in a modest manner I held up my hand and the house +got quiet and listened. As I have said, the show was at the Spring +Garden, and it's awful big and I had never knew how full of silence it +could be until I heard the sound of my own voice all alone in it. But +after a minute I got used to it, and so interested in trying to convince +the folks, that I didn't care. + +"Ladies and Gentlemen," I says. "This is going to be a plain, good +old-fashioned hold-up! If you listen hard, maybe you'll hear the screams +of the women and children, and the groans of the wounded pocket-books! +Far be it from me to do anything so unrefined as to actually use a gun +on you," I says, "but I'm going to do the next thing to it. I'm going to +sell eleven thousand dollars worth of W.S.S. right here and now, and you +are going to buy them. I know all of you has probably been buying them +all day and is sick of them, but I have personally promised President +Wilson to do as much by to-night without fail and you must help me make +good. And no matter how many you have bought," I says, "unless you have +a thousand dollars worth you can spend another ten or so apiece. Now, as +I say, I know this is a hold-up, because it is meant to be. And any +public which can sit here in a theatre and feel anoyed at having to buy +a few stamps when a million of our boys is over in far-away, sort of +unreal France, giving their lives, had ought to have a machine gun +turned on them from this stage instead of a line of talk! Probably this +is the first time in the history of finances that it has been necessary +to jolly a crowd into making a good investment. If I was selling stock +in a fake gold mine," I says, "you would probably be climbing on the +stage to get it! Now will everybody willing to take ten dollars worth +kindly stand up?" + +There was a few laughs, and a few people got up here and there, sort of +shamefaced. + +"Come on!" I says. "Come on--are you all cripples? You over there--only +ten dollars--save it on next months grocery bill--all right--save it on +your auto bill!" + +A few more got up then, but not nearly enough and I caught sight of +Goldringer in the wings by then and not having warned him what I was +going to do, I could tell by his expression that I mustn't hold the +stage too long or a militaristic system would right away be born in our +theatre. So I got desperate. + +"No more!" I called. "Oh, come on get up! Will I send for crutches, or +are you only shy? Remember, I got that money promised! Only ten dollars +each!" + +But no more stirred. For a minute I thought my flivver was complete, and +then I got a idea. I went over and beckoned to George, the orchestra +leader, and shaking all over at my own nerve, I whispered to him. +George grinned and passed along the whisper to his crew, and in another +minute that audience was standing, every last one of them, and--believe +you me--the Star Spangled Banner had never sounded so good to me before! + +Well, anyways, my pep all come back and I jumped off the stage as I see +the ushers couldn't possibly handle the orders alone, and wait or no +wait, the way that audience took my hold-up was something grand, it was +that good natured, although of course a Broadway crowd gets sort of +hardened to having their money taken away from them roughly. They was +lambs, and took cards so fast I couldn't have shuffled them good if it +had been a game. + +Well, anyways, when I finally got back to my dressing-room and the +trained animals had come on at last--believe you me--I was all in, but +not a card left, and not alone eleven thousand dollars but +thirteen-fifty in actual cash! I didn't worry none about having too much +as I never see a committee yet which couldn't use more money than it had +ast for, the White Kittens always having a deficit. And then I just put +the boodle away safe in my tin make-up box which I had emptied because +it locked good, and took me and Musette and it home to Ma. + +Well, that was about all for that, and I had a fine sleep that night +after sending the President a wire telling him I had the money all +right. And if only the censor had loosened up, I would have been +perfectly happy, with all that cash in my little Burglar's Delight over +the mantle-piece and a good real energy-making breakfast coming to me in +the morning. + + +But alas for false security, as the poet says. No sooner had Ma and me +ate breakfast next morning than in came Musette and says there are two +gentlemen outside wants to see me. Well, it seems they wouldn't give +their names so I says show them in for on account of Ma always making us +dress in real clothes for breakfast Sundays, it was alright. + +Well, in come two gentlemen then, and it was easy to see one was a cop. +Why he didn't have green whiskers or something I dont know because the +one citizen you can always spot is a cop, and that tweed suit was no +disguise, although he seemed to think so. I got a awful funny feeling in +my stomach at this sight although there was nothing on my mind but my +hair pins. The other was a gentleman and no disguise about him, and I +sort of took to him right away and dropped my society-comedy manner +which is such a good weapon of defense against strangers because I knew +right away he would see through it on account of him being the real +thing. + +"Miss LaTour?" he says politely. + +"Yes," I says, "what can I do for you?" + +"Alias Mary Gilligan?" says the cop, which was right in character and +hadn't ought to of got Ma's goat like it done. + +"Alias nothing!" says Ma. "Gilligan is her right name and you can see my +marriage certificate and the date is on it plain!" + +"Better leave this to me for a moment, O'Rourke," says the nice +gentleman, about Pa's age, he must have been. Then he turns to me while +the cop took a back seat. + +"Miss LaTour," the gent. began, "I am one of the local W.S.S. +committee--Pioneer Division--Pierson Langton is my name. And I have come +to see you concerning your sale last night!" + +Well--believe you me--the minute I heard his name I had him spotted! One +of the F. F. V's of N.Y. and I had often seen his name in the paper +with war-work and all. + +"Do sit down, both!" I says real cordial. "I am so glad to see you! It's +kind of you to come, because of course I was going to bring you the +money the first thing in the morning! Just wait till I get my make-up +box!" + +And without giving him time to say another word I hurried out and got +it, the cop watching me with his hand on his hip. When I come back and +give Mr. Langton the box and key, he looked real surprised. + +"Twenty-five thousand cash!" I says. "Would you mind counting it?" He +give me one of the funniest looks I ever had handed out, but he done +like I asked. Then he got up, box under one arm, and bowed, and sat down +again. + +"Miss LaTour," he said. "I think I win a bet with our friend O'Rourke, +here! I was sure you were all right. Your reputation was on the face of +it too valuable for such an open fraud. And your utter disingenuousness +is the final proof!" + +"Fraud! What do you mean?" I gasped. + +"There's been a complaint about your selling W.S.S. without no +authority!" says O'Rourke at this. "Entered last night by Miss Ruby +Roselle. We got your cards here, that she handed in. But you ain't got +no stamps! I dont know but what we ought to make a arrest, Mr. Langton!" + +"I will be obliged to you if you will let the matter drop for the +moment," says Mr. Langton. "This young lady acted in good faith, I am +convinced. And now, Miss LaTour, perhaps you will tell us how this all +came about?" + +Well, did I tell him? I did! I never told anything readier. And then I +took out the President's letter which I had it on me, and told how I had +writ to him at once, partially because I couldn't read the other fellows +name. + +"I accept the reproof," said Mr. Langton. "I will get a rubber-stamp +to-morrow!" + +Then his eyes twinkled at me in the nicest way, and I twinkled back, and +after that I knew the cop hadn't a chance of running me in, which was a +big relief, for my hands felt like a couple of clams, about then, I was +so scared. + +"So you ain't mad?" I says to Mr. Langton. + +"Not a bit!" he says. "I think it can all be straightened out. But of +course you understand that what you did was a trifle--er--irregular. If +you will come down to headquarters to-morrow and meet the members of +our board, we will be glad to assist you in forming a more regular +organization." + +And I said I would, and then we all said good-by real friendly, even the +cop. And I felt awful sort of excited and scared and glad that Ruby had +pulled that stuff, for if she hadn't I might actually of gone to jail, I +could see that plain enough now! And so, to let off a little steam when +they had all gone I sat down to my souvenir and started off "Over There +in Four Handed Arrangement." Then just as I had got it going good, Ma, +who was reading the Sunday paper, gave a holler. I turned around quick, +and there her eyes was popping out of her head and glued to the front +page. + +"Jim!" she shrieked. "My Gawd!" + +Well, how I reached that paper I don't know, but somehow I did and there +it was right in the middle column. + + "American Dancer Now An Ace. James La Tour Brings Down Three Enemy + Planes In One Afternoon." + +Oh, my heavens! Didn't I yell, just! And me knocking the newspapers and +the censor. And all the time Jim had been merely too busy to write! + + + + +III + +HOLY SMOKES + + +I + + Palatial Apartments, + 0256 Riverside Drive, + New York City, + U. S. A. America. + (Kindly forward if on tower) + Passed by censor. + +DEAR MARY: + +Well say little one, I am certainly glad your health, new contracts and +the two fool dogs is both doing so nicely and as for the cigarettes they +were O.K. not to say swell. Only dearie, it ain't hardly necessary to +have my monogram on the next lot for Fritz has never waited for me to +catch up to him so's I could offer him one and he's about the only +person would be impressed by the J. La T. because our own boys kid me +about any little thing like that on account of their knowing me to be +your dancing-partner and not to mention husband and they are still slow +to realize that it takes a real he-man to swing you around my neck +twenty times like we do in the Tango de Lux, and I have to continually +keep showing them. + +Then another good reason for no gold monogram is that the price of same +would cover quite a bunch of cheap smokes and dearie handing them about +is more to me than my own personal vanity and would be the same with my +shirts if necessary, while over here in distant Belgium I realise it was +also a waste to have them embroidered on the sleeve because the dam +chinaman always used to mark them up with monograms of his own anyways. + +Speaking of money we used to spend on un-essentials before the war, I +tell you dearie we certainly learn in the army, especially since getting +into this recaptured territory, that many objects we would have swore +could not be done without is laid off like the extra people after the +ball-room scene and nobody misses them until somebody sends over one of +them--like them monogramed smokes of yours. Immediately I got them I +commenced to think about little old B'way and dry-martinis and my +little old roadster with the purple body and the red wheels, and us +dancing at the palatial with the juice full on us, red and green, violet +and amber. Oh Kid! it made me home-sick!! But then we got a order to +start on cleaning up after them Botches again and so I forgot everything +but you and my new step--which was forward, double line! + +Well, sweetie, now about this smokes question. Of course your Ma having +been with the circus is used to giving up things, as naturally in a +trapese-act such as hers used to be she would need all the nerve she had +and even eating a welsh rabbit would of been a wild party to her. The +center ring is no joke and forty feet above it on a trapese from the +center canvas less so. But trapese work has not yet been offered to the +Allies except mebbe Itily on them mountains and any lady which starts a +society to keep smokes from soldiers may be strong in morals but is +surely weak in the head, which I never knew your Ma to be before. She +being always not only a lady but a great little picker on contracts and +what would we of done without her that time Goldringer tried to slip the +"satisfactory to the Goldringer Theatrical Productions Corp." stuff +over on us and she spotted it? + +But for the love of liberty can this idea of hers about it not being +good for the boys to smoke and make her quit worrying about us tearing +around France learning no new sins. For sweetie the crimes a man can +committ on whats left of his pay after the alotment is took out and the +insurance and the liberty bonds instalments would be sanctioned by +anybody in the country even if his coller buttoned up the back. For take +it or leave it, liquor, ladies and lyrics is as expensive here as north +of 42nd str., and our pay dont go for them even after distracting the +above. + +Why me and a fellow went off on leave to a general store in a town which +I couldn't spell for you much less mention it, even if permitted. But +anyways we went to it and Mac bought some winterweights and they was +four-fifty a pair and no better than the U.S. seventy-five cent kind, +and I got two pair socks a dollar per each and two bananas for 25c, +which only goes to show everything here is terrible expensive except +nessessaties. So dont let your Ma worry over me spending my remaining +nickel on vice. + +I note what you say about the way folks at home get your goat by passing +the buck on war-reliefs--if it's chocolet they say they've just given to +tobacco, if it's tobacco they just bought a W.S.S., and if it's W.S.S. +they just got a hatful of bonds, or if it's bonds they just give their +last cent to chocolet--passing the buck all along the line. Well dearie, +I guess mebbe that's their way of getting a little war-relief of their +own, but as you say why would they need any relief when the fact that +they are for the most part without cooties ought to be relief enough in +itself? Let alone having to dodge only taxi cabs and bill-collectors +instead of shells. Only of course we dont have to do that now, only +shell-holes, and dodge them in a hurry to get one last look at the +German army before it puts on its good old soup and fish--or whatever +the German for civilized clothing is, that is if they have any. + +But you are right girlie, to boost the smokes. We'll need them for a +long while yet. I know you have been obliged to keep your own from your +Ma and what with not really caring for peppermints it has been hard all +these years. But while her trapeese work stood alone in its day and no +one on Broadway is more respected at this writing and as a +mother-in-law I have no complaint on her outside of her wearing my +dress-pumps, this one time she is dead wrong. Soldiers are not always +acrobats and they do need to smoke and your Ma will put herself in the +small-time reform class if she dont look out. When I think of the stuff +I seen up and down Broadway and elsewhere in my days which could be +reformed and no one miss it, I get hot when I hear this talk about +keeping the army pure. Take it or leave it, but the truth is the Huns +has kept us pure alright--they sweat all the wickedness out of us +running after them. + +But to get back to the tobacco stuff. Dont let nothing hinder you from +bothering everybody you see to send smokes. We'll use 'em up never fear! +And if you was to be walking down the Avenue or mebbe Broadway sometime +and a box in your hand and asking for Smoke Funds or something whichever +way its done--and your Ma was to fight her way through the howling mob +which would undoubtedly be surrounding you on account of course the best +known parlor-dancing act in America and the world wouldn't walk out +looking for funds and not draw a mob which was only too glad to see you +for five cents in the smoke-fund-box instead of two dollars in the box +office--well, anyways, if your Ma was to force her way through this mob +which with her weight she could do easily, why she would forgive you in +the end if not right there on the street, and I believe that a +hand-organ would start and play hearts and flowers at that. + +Anyways, keep up the good work only never mind the monograms as long as +they taste like tobacco and can be lit. And if you fall out with Ma just +tell her this story which I will tell you and she will see mebbe God +didn't put tobacco in the world merely for little slum children to pluck +on their two weeks vacation in all its green beauty. + +Well, the story is like this sweetie, and I will write it as good as I +can and if it seems comicle go ahead and get a good laugh only take it +or leave it, it was no comedy at the time. But if you was to news it +around mebbe the folks at home would start dropping something beside +coppers in them soda-fountain boxes you was talking about, and commence +trying to squeeze a quarter through the slot now and again. Come to +think of it, the biggest thing a copper penny can buy is the feeling a +person gets from dropping one in a Belgium milk bottle or home for +crippled children or Merry Xmas for the Salvation Army. You know the +cheap chest it gives you. Many a liberty bond has been left in the +Govts. hands by a prospective buyer stumbling on a "drop a penny" box in +a cigar store on his way to the cupon-cutters, or I miss my guess. I've +done the same in my day and the man who says he aint raised his own +stock with himself by giving a nickle to the Newsboys Annual Outing is +as big a liar as the guy which says he never loved another girl. And if +pennies was to be cut out of the currency a whole lot of cheap +philanthropists would have to make their conscience work or fight. + +Well, anyways you go right on boosting the smoke-fund and never mind Ma. +She'll learn different some day. + +Now about this story I was going to tell you. First off leave me explain +that the drinking regulations over here is different to uniforms than on +the Rialto and America. I hunch it that the managers and booking agents +and so forth in the U. S. Military Amusements Co. inc. figure that a few +of the rules have to be let down while the big show is on. Same as the +stars can lean against a No Smoking sign on the big time and roll a +makin's quite openly. So when on leave and even sometimes in the +dressing-room or I should say rest-billets a bottle of wine is not out +of order. Very different sweetie, from the night Goldringer gave me in +my uniform the big send off at the Ritz with all the newspaper bird and +the leads and everybody and me and you the only sober person present, do +you remember? + +Well, its no news to you to say that I havent forgot I am a professional +dancer and good condition is my middle name for my future, not to +mention my present contract with Uncle Sam and that a sober man is worth +more to both--also to you and myself. + +But the Allies dont look on liquor like we do. As a matter of fact they +seldom look on what we would call liquor at all, hardly ever getting a +glympse of anything hard such as rye, scotch or gin, and a cocktail +being practically a stranger and a repulsive one at that to them. But +wine is something different again. Which while with us it is the high +sign for a big party and flowing only in extremely good classes such as +at the lobster layouts--leaving aside dago spaghetti parlors when folks +is resting--with them it is a common matter and everybody drinks it and +while there aint much kick to it, still it has it all over the water we +get and coming under their idea of necessities, is low in price. Of +course by wine I do not mean champagne like we used to for publicity +purposes order for our dinner in public, but stuff made out of common +grapes, I guess, and with the seltzer left out. + +Well, dearie, the reason I hand you all this info. is that the story I +am going to tell you got started because of this wine. "In Venus +Veritas" you know or so they say, and I confess that in trying to get a +little kick out of the stuff I got sort of lit and that's what caused me +the story. + + +II + +WELL, we was sort of waiting off stage as you might call it, in a little +town in Belgium, our act having just been on and a pretty lively one it +was and the Captain give us a pretty good hand on it, although as you +know the audience didn't wait for the finish but left us their orchestra +seats or front line trenches which we moved into and then give up to the +next number on the bill and come back to watch from the wings, or would +of only we was a little too far off. + +Well, the Capt. felt so good and the water was so bad that he sent a +delegation back for a little liquid refreshment. They have big jugs over +here like the molasses is kept in at home only here it is frankly boose +and no one pretends any different. And the game is this. The one which +volunteers for this dangerous work, if broke himself, takes a swig or so +out of the jug he is bringing back which it dont show on account of +their not being transparent and so the officer dont get any surprise +until toward the end of the jug and even so may think he took more than +he had thought. The private will take only a little from each but if +there is jugs enough many a mickle makes quite a jag. + +Well, me and a fellow named McFarland and a French kid called Ceasare +was each given two of these molasses jugs which looked like props, and +was sent off to a village some place in congnito for you couldn't +pronounce it. And we was glad enough to go because among other things we +was short of smokes. Some cleaver actor had accidintly lit the last +mess fire with a bale of Virginias and there wasnt hardly a smoke among +us. + +You just figure out how it would feel if you was to have a bath and do +your exercise and eat a swell breakfast and then realise there wasnt a +pill in the house! Think sweetie, how your brest would swell up with +alarm, and the royal fit you would throw while the elevator boy was on +his way to the corner drug store! Why figure even the way you feel once +you get a cigarette in your face and then cant find a match for two +whole minutes. Well, take it or leave it, I tell you that feeling is a +whole lot multiplied on the victorious fields of France when little +friend cigarette is notable by its absence. A empty house on an opening +night is nothing to it. So you can see where me and Ceasare and Mac was +glad to get in the neighborhood of one, leaving even all considerations +of the wine aside. + +Well, we started out carrying each two jugs and as we went the fellow +which acts as usher, or sentry on the road hollers at us do we know the +way and Ceasare and him jabbered at each other in French in the +remarkable fluent way they do over here. And Ceasare laughed and when we +asked what it was he said the guy told him to look out Fritz didnt get +us on the open road, which was certainly some joke for of course we +hadn't been able to get near enough to Fritz to hear him in some time. +So we laughed, too, for if any snipers had managed to stay behind and +opened up on us we could of spotted them and wiped them out if they had +kept it up. + +Well sweetie, there wasnt any road exactly toward the place we was bound +for on account of our having done considerable trespassing on private +property and taking little notice of fences whether barbed-wire or +civilian or shell-holes or trenches but having went straight ahead. And +after the last 5 years on upper Broadway you will realize it comes easy +enough to me, I often having come unharmed from the Claridge to the +Astor, and the French fields has nothing on that crossing. So to me that +first part of the trip was as little or nothing and I was the +cheerfulist of the party though we was all pretty cheerful and singing a +little song of Ceasare's which I dont know what it means but I guess I'd +better not write it in for fear you would. + +Well, it was late afternoon and awful cold for the time of year, and I +was thinking that at home the frost was on the pumpkin and the pumpkin +would soon be in the pie and the turkey was about to get the axe and +Halloween was due and a lot of nice things like that. And after a lot of +kilomets had been covered, we come to the funny little town which looked +like the back-drop to the opening seane in a musical comedy only all +shot to pieces like it had been on the road with a No. 2 company for a +long and successful tower. + +Well, we come to it, anyhow, and being on duty in a way as far as them +jugs went--we went with them and took what we could afford our ownselves +while we watched papa Ceasare fill 'em up. Then the tobacco dept. +claimed our attention only to find there wasn't any! + +Well, sweetie, I have tried to put over the way I felt at these glad +tidings and the censor wouldn't of stood for it, so out she goes! But I +felt that way all right and so did Mac and Ceasare. + +"I'll no beleeve ut!" says Mack which he talks a funny kind of way like +Harry Lauder. "I'll no beleeve ut--theer must be some someplace aboot!" + +"Say la guyer!" says Ceasare and gives a shrug, although he was a lot +more disappointed than Mac on account of Mac's really caring more for +liquor than smoke any day. "Say la Guyer!" he says, and asks his pa why +it happened and his pa tells him and he translates it to Mac and me. + +"He say a young lady have took it all only hour ago for free to +soldiers," he explains. + +And take it or leave it, but I was certainly a little sore for although +I am the first to believe in the other fellow getting it, still this +time we all felt like the other fellow was us, and no doubt she had took +it to the nearest camp or hut, and so I ast which way was it she went +for mebbe we would get some of it. And then come a big surprise. + +"No 'ospitil here!" Ceasare explained again. "An no 'ut! It ees too soon +after we take it. Then papa says she is first cross red lady we have +seen and she speak in French!" + +"Well, that's funny!" I says--and of course dearie you understand this +had been enemy ground only a little before and that there was a +wine-shop going was a miricle and only for it being Ceasare's papa we +wouldn't of got none, which is how he come to be along with us. + +Well, we all felt real sore and disappointed but took it like a man for +of course a red cross nurse would get it for the wounded and we had our +health. + +So papa give us all another round and we took the big molasses jugs and +started off. It was getting toward twilight and pretty cold and I will +say it give me sort of sore feeling towards the folks at home and blamed +them for letting me be without a cigarette and you know how it is about +two drinks makes me a little sore at things and I began to cheer up +after the third and this was early in the evening. + +Not so Mac. He has a talent for drink. Well, we had just about left the +motion-picture village behind us when he commenced to sing and while I +dont know what it was about, I will put it down this time because you +wont know neither. + + "Fortune if thou'll but gie me still + Hale Breeks, a scone, an' whisky gill, + An' rowth o' ryme to rave at will, + Tak' a' the rest, + + "An' deal 't about as they blind skill + Directss thee best." + +Well, naturally we applauded which is always safe when you don't +understand a thing, and it certainly was comical for Mac is generally a +quiet cuss and a tightwad as well. Then I spoke up. + +"These jugs is too heavy!" I says. "Let's lighten 'em up a bit." + +Well they thought so and we done it and felt better and then I sang +them: + + "Give me your love + The sunshine of your eyes!" + +And both Ceasare and Mac commenced to cry. Mac set down his jugs and we +done the same and then Mac done the most generous thing I ever seen a +Scotchman do even in liquor. He reached inside his bonnett and took out +three cigarettes, shook the bonnett to show they was actually the last, +and give us each one and one to himself. + +Well, we all sat down on a old motor chassis or what was left of it, and +burned them smokes like insense, not speaking a word! But putting that +red cross lady which had been ahead of us out of our minds and thinking +only of how we was going to give Mac our next packages from home when +they come, and he mebbe thinking of how he was going to get them. And +then we all made our jugs a little lighter and by this time it was +pretty dark and we commenced to hurry back. Before we had went very far +we had to hesitate about which way. Because sweetie, take it or leave +it, what you write about getting lost in the new subway has nothing on +finding your way about after dark by yourself in this part of the world. + +Well, Mac was sure we come one way and I was sure we come another and +Ceasare he had a different hunch from either of us. So we all took +another little drink as it was getting mighty cold by now, and in the +end we started off Ceasare's way because why wouldnt he know best which +way was right and him born and raised right there on the farm? We +trusted to his judgment just like him and Mac would of trusted me to +tell the taxi-driver where to go from Keens. + +So we went like he said, but somehow we didn't seem to get no place in +particular although we kept on going for a long time: I couldn't say how +long, but it seemed like a Battery to Harlem job to me only by now I +loved everybody but Fritz and a sort of fog had come up or so I thought, +and we was all singing, each our own sweet songs but at the same time. + +"Lets throw away a few of these jugs," I remember saying--and really +there was so little in some of them it wasn't worth carrying back so we +just finished them off and threw them away and then we come upon a +little path--or it felt like it. + +"Allou!" shouted Ceasare, "we are almost there!" and with that we sure +got the surprise of our lifes, for rat-tat-tat-tat-tat come a sputter of +machine gun fire right at us. + + +III + +AT first we was very much jolted by this though unhurt, and then we +commenced to think it was a joke. Here we was going in behind our own +lines and being fired upon. + +"Shut up, ye dam fools!" Mac hollered. "Can ye no recognize yer own +people?" + +Then Ceasare yelled in French, but they paid no attention to us. +_Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!_ it come again, and this time it made me real mad. +I figured that if they didn't quit their nonsense somebody was liable to +get hurt. So I saved what was left in my last jug, threw the thing +away, and told Ceasare and Mac to come on and leave us beat up the poor +boobs with the nasty sense of humor and show them where they got off. +Well, Mac and him thought this was a good idea so they done like I done +and we ran up the little hill which we could see our way pretty good in +spite of the dark because they never let up on us but kept right on +spitting fire. Well, we got very mad by this time and to tell the truth +I can't very well recall just what did happen only when we got to the +gun the boys was German! + +Well, take it or leave it, I aint had a jolt like that since the night +Goldringer raised our salary of his own accord after we put on the La +Tour Trot. And I only wisht I could remember more about what happened. +But for quite a few minutes I was terrible busy; and I guess I better +admit I was tight--awful tight. Of course there was five of them and +only three of us, and equally of course we licked them badly and took +only one prisoner but not being anything for a lady to read I will not +give particulars and anyways I dont remember any. Of course it was one +of them few remaining nest of hornets which we had joked about, but +really hadn't believed was there. + +Well, when it was all over but the cheering and we was sure these birds +had been all by their lonesome, we was pretty well sobered and hot and +everything. And the first thing we done was take a look around in a few +places for tobacco. And take it or leave it--we didn't find any! Not a +smoke among the lot! Watter you know about that? + +But one good thing we got out of the scrap was our senses back and it +was easy enough to spot about where our own lines would be. So after we +figured it out, and taking Fritz, the one prisoner, along, we commenced +to start off that way and you can bet the poor boob was glad to go with +us. You would of thought he had wanted to be with us all the time. Just +like after a election at home. Cant find anybody who didnt vote the +winning ticket. Which joke you may not understand, sweetie, being a +lady, and I will not now stop to explain. + +Well, we started back alright and as we come, I got the story which I +want to tell you which commenced really when we come to that old barn. +Only I had to explain how we come to be there or you wouldnt get the +idea of what I am driving at for you to make your Ma understand. + +Ever since I fell out of my airplane and was in the hospital and +reenlisted the only place they'd take me back was in the infantry, I +done a lot of thinking--and some of it stuff which might mebbe sound +awful queer coming from me, especially after some of the language I have +been known to use in my day, and while I hope I aint become mushy, I +certainly do believe there is more to religion and such things than we +have thought. Take it or leave it, mighty few fellows have lived through +this war, far less fought through it, without getting religion of some +kind out of it. I wonder can you get me? And make Ma get it too. So I'll +tell what happened and you see if miricles is over yet or not for this +is a true fact and not a story somebody told me. + +Well, after we cleaned up that machine gun nest and had a cute little +live German prisoner of our very own, we took him down the hill with us +the best way we could in the dark and it full of holes and what not. +There wasn't a bit of light--no moon nor stars nor nothing, and a wet +sort of smell that made us wish for a smoke the way hardly nothing else +is ever wished for, except mebbe a motion-picture salary or a drink of +water after a big night--not on the desert. + +Well we got on pretty good because we was nearly sober now and Ceasare +he knew where we was going, and this time he really did, and so we kept +up pretty good. It commenced to rain a little and the big drops felt +awful nice against my cheeks which was burning hot. Made me think of +when I was a kid back in Topeka and digging out to school and a pair of +red mittens I had which my mother had made them--good knitting and well +made like the sweater I had on that very minute which she also knit. And +I thought of me and you and our snow-scene when we done that dance on +the Small Time with the sleighbells on our heels--remember dear? Before +we had really made good except with each other? And I thought about love +too and a lot of fool stuff like that. And then I heard a funny sound +for thereabouts. It was a woman moaning and crying. + +Well, at first I thought mebbe I was crazy or imagined it, but Mac who +was walking in front with our own little Fritz stopped short and so did +Fritz and listened. It come again--the most dismal thing you ever want +to hear. I turned to Ceasare and he had heard it. + +"Say drool," he says, which means "Its funny" only it wasnt and he didnt +mean it that way, but the other way. You know. + +"It sure is!" I says. "There she goes again!" + +"I think theers a wee bit housie over theere!" says Mac. + +"It is the barn of my cousin's uncle," says Ceasare. "We better go +look." + +So with that we started across the road to where sure enough was a funny +little barn--stone with a grass roof--peculiar to these parts, I guess. +The nearer we got the louder the noise was, but no words to it, only +sobbing very low and despairing and sort of sick--and a female--no doubt +of it. There wasn't any light nor anybody moving about as far as we +could tell. + +"Gee! What'll we do?" I says in a whisper. "We can't pass it up!" + +"Naw--we mun tak' a look inside!" whispers Mac. + +"Certinmount," says Ceasare; "Mais--be careful! We put the Boch in first +and see if some trick is up!" + +It being Ceasare's cousin's uncle's barn he knew where the door was, +and the three of us shoved Fritz up to it and made him understand he was +to open it and go in ahead of the crew. We finally got it over with +signs and shoves, because the bird didnt speak nothing but German and we +hadnt a word of it among us. But still we made him do it and he did, and +we pulled our guns and stood close behind and I stood closest and pulled +not alone my gun but the little electric flashlight you sent me which I +flashed in as quick as the door was opened. + + +IV + +AND take it or leave it--there was a woman with a baby in her arms! She +was rather a young round-faced woman and that kid was awfully little and +held close under a big dark cloak the woman wore. The poor soul looked +tired out and she had no hat and her hair was all down. The inside of +the barn was a wreck and the rain was coming in through a big shellhole +in the roof. She was all alone, we at once got that, and at sight of the +German uniform which was all she seen at first, she give a shriek of joy +and got up onto her feet. + +"Got si danke!" she cried. "Ich habe----" + +Then she seen the rest of us and shrunk back, covering the kid with her +cloak. Fritz said something to her--quite a lot in a hurry, and +evidently told her he was a prisoner, and now that she had spilled the +beans, so was she. And of course even under the circumstances, she was. +But take it or leave it, I certainly did feel queer when I went up to +that lady with the little baby in that barn. For German or no German the +situation was--well--it certainly got my goat. I took off my hat and +made a bow. + +"Lady," I commenced, "have no fear. Don't let us throw no scare into +you. We ain't Huns--that is, I beg your pardon, but what I mean is you +are perfectly safe and we will take care of you." + +Well, the way she looked at me would of wrung a heart of stone. Her eyes +was blue and she just stared at me as if I had hurt her--which of +course was far from any mind there. + +"Don't be scared," I says again. "You and the baby will get good care. +Just come with us if you are able!" + +When I spoke of the kid she give the poor little smothered thing a quick +look and drew her cloak around it closer. Gee! but she looked fierce! +She had quit crying but not a word out of her! + +"You try!" I says to Ceasare. "The poor thing mebbe understands French." + +So Ceasare, who was as much shot to pieces at the sight as I was, come +forward. + +"Madame!" says he, bowing with his cap in his hand. Then he shoots a lot +of French about restes, au succuoor, and stuff I know meant "cut the +worry." But she didnt get it any better than she had my line of talk, +and only kept on looking scared. + +Well by this time Mac come out of his stupor; but there was no use +trying Scotch on her, that was plain. So there was nothing to it except +forward march. For one thing my torch wouldnt of lasted much longer and +for another it sure was getting late. + +"Does your cousin's uncle which owns the barn have a house anywheres +near, where we could leave her?" I asked Ceasare. + +"All dead in this town!" he says cheerfully. "And this is the only +building left I think it!" + +"Then there's nothing to do but take her along to headquarters," I says, +and off we started, she not saying a word. + +That was some trip! I want to tell you sweetie it was the worst part of +the whole war to me. You know I got a heart and I felt just fierce for +that poor little German mother. All the way in, while we was helping her +along I kept wishing I knew how on earth she come to get in that place. +She seemed real feeble at times and we lifted her across the worst +places. I tried to get her to let me carry the baby, but she held on to +it like grim death and wouldnt leave any of us touch it--and it was so +quiet I commenced to get scared. + +"More than likely its dead!" I whispered to Ceasare and he thought so +too. + +Before we got in, we had carried her almost a mile, taking turns with +her on our crossed hands, and the odd feller guarding our Hun. And then +we came to the end of about the very worst and longest hike I ever took +including the time the Queen of the Island Company got stranded in New +Rochelle. The sentry across that mud hole of a slushy road was the +welcomest sight in the world. + +"Wot the 'ell yer got?" he says when he recognized us. + +"One Gentleman Hun prisoner and one lady ditto in very bad shape!" I +says. + +"Wot the 'ell!" he says again. And then he passed us and we reported. + +Say sweetie, take it or leave it, but I had honest clean forgot all +about that wine which we had been sent for in the first place. I tell +you I was so worried about that poor woman! And it was not until the +five of us was standing in Capt. Haskell's quarters with the light from +his ceiling glaring at us and him also glaring from behind his mustache, +that I even commenced to remember it. But I had to report so I reported +for the bunch of us and in strict detail as good as I could remember. +All this while the woman sat in a chair, her face like a stone, and my +heart just aching for her. + +Well, when I got through taking the most nervous curtin-call of my +life--and take it or leave it, if the German army would ever of been as +nervous as I was then, the war would of ended that minute. Capt. Haskell +beckoned to the lady. + +"Come here, please!" he says very kind. "And let me see the baby!" + +She got up and went over very softly. Then she stood in front of him and +commenced to laugh and laugh. + +"Pigs of Americans!" she said. "Fools to carry me! That's not a +baby--its twenty cartons of cigarettes!" + +Then she threw back her cloak and under it there she was dressed in Red +Cross uniform. + +"I disguised myself and went to the village!" she went on in perfectly +good English. "And I bought all the tobacco there. + +"On my way back to my own lines I was fool enough to lose my way and to +cry over it! That is all!" + +And its enough, aint it dear? For you do get me, dont you? Them twenty +cartons of cigarettes was a miricle to us and the one we needed the most +of any right at that moment. Eh, what? as the English say. And her +taking such a chance to get them for Fritz shows how bad off the German +army must be, don't it? And so tell this to your Ma and get her to quit +that foolish anti-smoke society she's forming--because its the bunk--and +I am ever your loving life and dancing partner, JIM. + +P. S. Just got your letter. That certainly is a good one on Ma. Smoking +a pipe! And if you hadnt opened the door so sudden you'd never in this +world of caught her. And if she does claim her grandmother did it too, +all you got to say is so did many a soldier's grandmother. + +P. S. No. 2. I forgot to say that a French General has given us a kiss +on both cheeks and a medel for that job. And its the first time I ever +got anything but a headache by going on a party. + + + + +IV + +ANYTHING ONCE + + +I + +AINT it funny the things that comes into a person's head when they are +rubbing cold cream onto their nose? All sorts of stuff, some of it good +sense and some of it the bunk. But most of it pretty near O.K. If some +one was to take down the ideas I get at such a sacred hour, I'd be out +of the dancing game and into the highbrow class just as quick as the +printer got through his job. + +It sure is a time when a woman's true thoughts come to the surface along +with the dust and last night's make-up, and many a big resolve has been +made owing to that cleanly habit. Wasn't there some wise bird made up a +quotation about cleanliness being next to God knows what? Well, believe +you me, its the truth, for once a woman starts in with the cold cream +all alone,--and she sure does it at no other time--there is no telling +what will come of it beside a clean pink face. + +With me personally myself, thats where most of my ideas about life come +from--right out of the cold cream tube! And while indulging in this well +known womanly occupation the other evening I commenced thinking about +rest and how important it is for us Americans--and of the way we go +after it--like it was something we had to catch and catch quick or it +would get away from us. Do you get me? If not, leave me tell you what a +friend of mine, which has just been mustard out of the service says to +me, when I was checking up his experiences abroad while he was checking +up what the waiter had put down. + +"My idea of rest?" he says. "Why taking Belleau Woods after three +restless weeks in the trenches," he says. + +Which sort of puts the nut in the shell, as the saying is. And also at +the same time reminds me of the rest I just recently took. + +Not that I generally need one any more than any other thoroughly +successful star, for heavens knows the best known parlor dancing act in +the world and Broadway, which mine undoubtedly is, dont need to rest +because the managers theirselves always come after me and resting I +leave to the booking-agency hounds. But this time it was bonea fido, and +come about in a sort of odd way. + + +To commence at the start it begun with me falling for the movies, which +Gawd knows I only done it for the money, their being no art in it, and +they having hounded me into them for a special fillum. And of course +many well known girls like Mary Garden and Nazimova go into pictures and +even myself, but its simply because of being hounded, as I say. But once +in you earn your money, believe you me, and I have stood around waiting +for the sun like Moses, or whoever it was, until my feet nearly froze to +the pallasades before jumping off, only of course it was a dummy they +threw after I had made the original motions of the leap to death. And +the worst part is once you are signed up on one of these "payment to be +made wheather the party of the first part (thats me) is working or not" +you got to do like they say, and a whole lot of the "not working" means +plain standing around waiting for the director or the camera-man or the +rain to quit, and what us public favorites suffers when on the job is +enough to make the photographor's Favorite of Grainger, Wyo., abandon +the career she might of had in favour of domestic service or something +like that where she'd get a little time to herself. + +Well anyways my judgment having slipped to the extent of having signed +my sense of humor away for six months at twenty-two hundred a week, I +was in the very middle of a fillum called the Bridge to Berlin when one +day, just as a big brute of a German officer by the name of O'Flarety +had me by the throat in a French chateau, the studio manager comes in +and says the armistice is signed and the war is over, and we was to quit +as who would release a war fillum now and we was to start on something +entirely different, only he didn't know what the hell it was to be and +here was eight thousand feet wasted--and believe you me I was sore +myself for we had shot that strangling sceene six times by then and my +marcelle wave was completely ruined by it, and I would of liked to of +had something to show for it. + +But anyways, orders was to quit and so me and Ma and the two fool dogs +and Musette left the wilds of Jersey and after a stormy voyage across +the Hudson come safely home to our modest little apartment on the drive, +there to not work at 22 hundred a week until Goldringer got the studio +manager to get the scenario editor to get me a new story, which at the +price was not of long duration for while Gawd knows they dont care how +long a person stands around waiting to be shot, they just naturally hate +to pay you for doing the same thing at home in comfort. + +Well anyways the bunk that scenario editor picked out was something +fierce. I wouldn't of been screened dead in it. But it just happened I +had a idea for a scenario myself, which come about through somebody +having give me a book for Christmas and one night, the boy having forgot +to bring the papers, I read it. And was it a cute book? It was! I had a +real good cry over it, and while it wasn't exactly a book for a dancer, +I could see that there was good stuff in it. So finally me and Ma +stopped into Goldringer's office after he had twice telephoned for me +and handed him a little surprise along with the volume. + +"I got a idea for a picture, Al," I says, "and here's the book of it." + +"Well Miss La Tour, what's the name of it and idea?" says he, chewing +on his cigar strong and not even looking at the book but throwing it to +the stenographer, which is a general rule always in the picture game and +one reason we don't see such a crowd of swell fillums. + +"The name is Oliver Twist," I says. "It's a juvinile lead the way it +stands, but I want it fixed up a little, with me as Olivette Twist--the +editor can fix it so's that will be all right. It's really a swell part. +I could wear boy's clothes some of the time." + +"Huh! Olivette Twist," says Goldringer, taking back the book and looking +at the cover of it. "Always thought it was a breakfast food! But if you +say its O.K. we'd better get it. Where is this feller Dickens? We'll +wire him for the rights. Friend of yours?" + +You see, if anybody brings scenarios personally, a star in particular, +it's generally a friends. + +"No," I says. "It was sent me by Jim along with a letter which shows the +bird is well known," I says. "And is in Westminister Abby, London, +England, which Jim says proves his class. + +"Must be a swell apartment," says Goldringer. "All right we'll send a +cable to him and see if the picture rights is gone or not. If the boy +is so well known he may stick out for a big price. This is Thursday. We +may hear from him by Monday or Tuesday, and we'll get a scenario ready +anyways so's we can begin to shoot not later than a week from to-day. +Until then," he says, "run along and amuse yourself and dont do anything +I wouldnt." + +Well, me and Ma was shown out then and down on Broadway Ma see some +salt-water taffy in a drug-store and wanted to go in and by it which I +had to prevent because outside of Ma being in no need of nourishment, +she weighing considerable over the heavy-weight requirements already and +Gawd knows if she was to have went back into the circus it would no +longer be on the trapeese and a certain party in the side-show would +have a strong competitor for her job and it wouldn't be the human +skeleton either. But leaving off the consideration how would it look for +us to go up the Ave. in my new wine-colored limousine which I earned +myself and no one can say different with truth--and eating stuff like +that out of a folded paper box? Ma certainly has my health well in hand +and heart and its seldom we quarrel over any little thing, but she +certainly has no class instinct, or instinct for class--do you get me? +And when I try to make her see that them little refinements is what +makes me the big success I am, she sometimes kicks and if its hunger, +its got to be met immediately if not one way, why then another. So in +lieu, as the poet says, of the taffy I had to take her to the Ritz and +watch her put away 6 vanillia eclairs at two bits each and a quart of +cocoa, not that I begrudge the money, only believe you me the way all +hotels charge nowadays is rapidly making Bolshivik out of even we +capatalists. Do you get me? You do! But of course in my line you got to +keep before the public in the right way. + +Well anyways Ma complained over the loss of that taffy the whole way +through the six eclairs, which it was certainly a little hard on me to +have to sit there and watch her while for professional reasons eating +only one of these tomato surprises which never surprise but the once, on +my figures account, and certainly its a fact that the two of us was +doing the next best thing to what we wanted instead of the thing itself +which is one of the prices of success. So, as is also often the case at +such times, I was a little mean to Ma on account of having been mean +already--do you get me? + +"Mamma," I says. "You certainly are getting heavier. It's a crime for you +to wear these narrow skirts!" + +Ma give me a searching look the same as used to lead up to caster oil +when I was a kid, and then took the half of a eclair at one bit before +replying. + +"Now Mary Gilligan you needn't take out your artistic temperament or any +other ailment on me!" she says as firmly as the eclair would permit. +"Just because Jim is in France yet, and your moleskin dolman was a +failure and you aint been occupied daily for a week or more, and slipped +up on doing your setting up exercises this morning which I wouldnt of +mentioned only you started it," she says. "Its no excuse for picking on +me," she says. "What if I am a little plump? My Gawd aint I earned the +right to be? What with three kids and your Pa to bring up and the center +trapeese in the circus right through it all except when absolutely +necessary? You dont know what a woman _can_ go through!" + +"Dont I, just!" I snapped for my Gawd aint it the truth every woman has +the very worst troubles that any woman ever had? And she sure gets sore +when another woman sets up to go them one better! + +"No you don't!" retorts Ma with that maddening air of being older than +me which she uses to squelch me every time she cant get me any other +way. "No you dont!" she says. "You never brought up three kids without a +nurse girl while on the trapeese--you never brought up a thing but two +fool dogs and you even leave them to the carelessness of a personal +maid," she says. "Poor dears, Gawd knows what will become of their +little canine minds and morals!" + +"Now Ma!" I begged, because she aughter know that is a sore point with +me and not intention, and she had me on the raw. + +"Well then!" she says. "You got a swell job and no troubles only mabe a +sluggish liver and you aint the only woman in America which Gen. +Pershing cant yet spare the husband of," she says. "And mabe I do need +to reduce a little," which was her way of apologizing. And just as this +lull occurred who should come into sight but Maison Rosabelle, her which +runs the shop where myself and all the most chic professionals gets +their clothes. She was all dressed up like a plush horse with real +sables, part of which must of come off them simple refined little gowns +I had made for the Bridge to Berlin that was ruined by the armistice. +Her hair had just been rehennered and her face was as fresh as a +tea-rose straight from the fragrent facial massage. She smiled and +sailed down on the two of us which we welcomed with the usual relief of +a family quarreling when neither sees the way to win out and have got to +go on living together. In other words she automatically buried the +hatchet for us, as the school books say. + +"So pleased to of run into you, dearies!" she says. "For I'm goin' to +Atlantic City to-morrow for a little rest." + +No sooner was them words out from between her lip-rouge than I see a +vision of salt-water taffy arising in Ma's eyes. Believe you me Ma is +certainly hard to pry loose from anything she has once set her mind on! +And Maison had to continue in that cordial manner. + +"Why dont you run down for a few days?" she says. "It'll do you good. +You're looking kinda pulled down Mrs. Gilligan!" she says--and of course +Ma fell for that. + +"I do feel a little low!" she says, finishing off her cocoa. "And +Mary--Marie here is waiting until they get a answer to a cable which +was sent to England by the studio. I understand we may have quite a +wait, so I really believe we might go along." + + +II + +NOW as I looked at Ma it come over me that mabe she had the right dope. +When people that live together, especially if not friends, but +relations, commence to get a little on each others nerves, going away on +a trip is good for what ails them. The only trouble is that in the case +of females they generally go together. Still, with the whole bunch of +new and different stuff it gives them to fight over--R.R. tickets, and +who wired for these horrid rooms, and I told you to bring a heavier +coat, and etc., they generally get straightened out quite a lot. Even +the idea of going along with Maison didnt worry me then, I having been +on tower many a time when the No. 1 Company went out and Ma the same for +years, and we generally speak, even to the publicity man, no matter if +we have made Rochester, Buffalo and Chicago in a quick jump playing +matinees as well. So I am without the wholesome and well founded fear +of taking a pleasure-trip with friends which is the bitter fruit of most +persons experience of the same. Besides, I sort of like Maison, which of +course her real name is Maisie Brady, and her funny little husband, +which is also still in France, she not being dependant any more than +myself nor would she hold him back from serving his country only I dont +hardly believe she urged him to go for quite the patriotic reasons I +did, he having been a traveling man and so when he retired on her income +she didnt feel as natural and affectionate and homelike and all that as +when he was away most of the time. But at any rate I and she were both +war-widows and old friends from the time her mother was lady-lion tamer +and mine on the trapeese, and so in spite of the bills she charges me +she has more refinement than most people and so I says all right, we'll +go to Atlantic City and we'll be on the one twenty train to-morrow. + +"Thats sweet, dearie!" says Maison. "We'll get a swell rest!" + +Then she set sail and was off with a Jewish gentleman friend, which had +been waiting at the entrance all this time with a gardenia in his +buttonhole. And Ma and me called for the check and dogs and limousine +and hitched our way homeward through the traffic to our quiet little +apartment with 7 windows with the beautiful outlook of the river and the +R.R. tracks and etc. + +Then while Musette packed only three trunks and my gold-fitted dressing +case and a couple of hat boxes and my specially designed jewellery box +and the travelling hamper for the dogs, we having decided to travel +light and probably not stay over three or four days, Ma went into the +all-tiled kitchen and commenced getting up a little smack of cold beef +and potato salad and fried cheese sandwiches and coffee and a few hot +biscuits and honey so's we wouldn't have to go out and eat, which Ma +certainly loves to do and no cook ever stands it for more than a week +and the current cook's week was up that morning before we went downtown. + +Well anyway while she was doing this I went into the drawing-room which +is all fitted up in handsome gold furniture--that the dealer said was +one of the Louis periods. Louis Cohen I guess,--I never remember quite. +And to put a record on the phonograph in the case I had especially built +in the same style at fifty dollars extra and all the instalments paid, +and streached out as good as I could manage to on the chaise loung, +which is a sort of housebroken steamer-chair, and while John Macormik's +own voice sang my little grey home in the west to me in the privacy of +my own home, I thought dreamingly about Jim and how much I was missing +him and how swell we danced together and how kind and loving and brave +he was and how refined, and believe me he's about the only theatrical +male that don't murder a dress suit, and how horrible it was to be +seperated from him after being married only two weeks and what fools we +was to have danced together in every first-class theatre in America and +only got married so recent, for if only we'd been married sooner mabe +the pain of seperation wouldnt of been so great by now. Who knows? And +believe you me it was some pain, and I had myself crying before I knew +it. For I sure am stuck on that poor simp and my only war-work aint been +done on the screene, Gawd knows, when I give him up to whatever the +Allies was fighting for, which if it dont turn out to be as represented, +believe you me, myself and a whole lot of other girls is going to want +to know why!! + +Well anyways, before Ma had the biscuits baked and I had run jada jada +and sing me to sleep, I was wild to get away to the pure country ocean +air and some healthy outdoor exercise which would help me forget my +loneliness. And a lot of quiet and rest and sleep, with the ocean +pounding me to the pillow and all that. + +I had only a sort of twenty minute small time sketch of a idea of what +Atlantic City was like on account of me having been there for openings +only and getting in at four forty five with the show beginning at eight +fifteen and the washup you need after the trip and Ma always insisting +on me doing a twenty minute practice in my room and underwear before +every opening which is perfectly correct and one of the principal things +which has made my handsprings what they are, and getting dinner far +enough in advance to do the hand-springs in time. I knew little nor +nothing of what Jim calls the Coney Island that went to finishing school +except that there is swimming and horseback riding and a boardwalk that +any one without French heels to catch in the cracks can have a elegant +walk on. What little sniff of air I had outside the theatre and my +bedroom at the hotel give me a appatite for more, which up to now I +never had the opportunity to get because of always being with a +high-class show that went right back to N.Y. Sunday to open on Broadway. +But now I was going like a regular American lady citizen to rest and get +full of health and do as the regular resorters did. And I was glad. I +was so anxious to keep myself in a pure atmosphere for Jim's sake and +the studio wasn't exactly the farm--do you get me? You do! And a rest in +the country was the very thing. I got quite excited thinking about it; +dried my tears, stopped the phonograph and made sure that Musette put in +my riding suit, bathing ditto, and walking boots. And when this was done +I felt better already as the saying is, and fully able to take some of +the nourishment Ma had got up. + +The minute we set down to the table I see that she had also been making +good resolutions and waited till she got ready to confess. It come after +the seventh tea-biscuit and honey. On her part I mean, I only taking +coldmeat and salad and things I dont like much, for reasons before +stated. + +"Mary Gilligan!" she says. "I believe I'm getting heavier," she says, +just as if it occurred to her for the first time. "And I have decided +that while I am away to Atlantic City I wont eat to amount to anything +and reduce in other ways the whole time I'm there!" + +"You dont say," I says, without batting an eye. "Do you really think you +need to?" + +"I do!" she says. "This is my last real meal. And you needn't try to +persuade me out of it." + +I didn't. And next morning right after breakfast we caught the one +twenty, hats, dogs, Musette, and all, and met up with Maison Rosabelle, +which was dressed in a simple little trotters costume of chiffon and +ermine which looked like it had been made in Babylon. I mean B.C. not +L.I. And with her was a little surprise in the way of the same Jewish +gentleman, Mr. Freddy Mayer, with another gardenia on him and a fine +line of plausable explinations. + +"Aint it a co-co-strange, Freddy just happens to be going our way!" +cooed Maisie with all the innocence of a N.Y. livery-stable pidgeon. + +"Yes, I'm taking a special offering of champagne to a special friend in +the hotel business there," says Mr. Freddy. "And with three such +beautiful lady companions its no hardship to leave Manhattan behind nor +the Bronx," says he gaily. "Altho when we come back we may find the +Aldermen has decided to change both names after July first," says the +humorous dog. + +"Will you please kindly open this window a little?" I intrupped him. +"The air in here aint so good as it was." + +I dont know did this get over, but believe you me I didn't care for that +well washed young wine-seller at all, nor for his company. And it was a +relief when he done as I asked and him and Maison found their seats was +at the other end of the car. In a way I can understand her liking +traveling-men but not up to the point of traveling with one, even by +semi-accident. And so opening the Motion Picture Gazette to look at the +double-page spread of myself "Who has at length been lured by the +artistic possibilities of the picture world," and keeping a eye on Ma to +see would she stop the candy-boy, settled down to the soothing sound of +Maison's laugh, and begun my quiet little trip to Healthland. + +There is a large variaty of ladies which have husbands still in the +army, but believe you me they certainly got one thing in common, or +else no looks at all. And that is, the temptation to take up with other +company to some degree. Because of course while the war was holding the +stage a husband's absence could be stood, but what with this +peace-hyphen in the fighting and everything, you cant help but commence +wondering what kind of a girl is detaining him over there and feel +inclined to have a understudy kind of waiting off stage in self defence. +For believe you me, there seems to be something sort of attractive about +a war-widow and the ones which ignores the fact and minds their own +affairs is the real patriotic women of America. + +Not that I want to say a word about Maison, and what happened to me +after the end of that train ride on which I was sitting so +superior-minded, taught me a lesson; because its a cinch to be good when +you want to be. A person which has suffered themselves is slow to bawl +out the other fellow so quick next time. Do you get me? Not yet. + +Well, after we had rolled by the lovely scenery and read the handsome +ad. signs on either hand, not to mention the pipe-line, and got the +invigorating smell of low tide in our eager nostrils, we come out on +that quiet little country railroad station platform, our destination, to +be greeted by only several hundred busses and a thousand or so +taxi-cabs, each yelling at the top of their voices. As we got off the +train Maison rushes up to us and pipes a cheering little question. + +"Where are we going, dearie?" she said, blithly. + +"Where are we going?" I says. "Maison Rosabelle, do you mean to say you +didn't wire no place for rooms?" + +"Why no!" says Maison. "Didn't you?" + +"Certainly not!" I says. "I never wired for rooms in my whole life. The +advance agent always done that for me." + +"Well Mary Gilligan, I'm not your advance agent!" she snapped, and then +she kind of looked at Mr. Freddy in a sweet, helpless womanly fashion +expecting him to fork up a little help. But it seems Mr. Freddy was one +of these birds that only think to take care of his own comfort. He had a +room alright at the Traymore. And he meant to keep it! + +"We'll take the bus to there," he suggested. "I'm sure there'll be lots +of room." + +But no bus for me on account of professional reasons. So we took one +taxi for him and us and another for Musette and the dogs and the bags, +and then commenced a round of seeking for shelter as the poet says, +which had the "Two Orphans" skun a mile. We went to six hotels and not a +room among them. Believe you me, there is just one person can make you +feel cheaper than a Atlantic City hotel clerk when he says "No +reservations?" and lifts his arched brows, and that is the head waiter +when he says "nothing to drink?" and you say "yes, nothing!" Well, thank +Gawd thats one thing prohibition will prohibit. + +Well anyways, we tried six hotels until at last we come to a little +place where the young feller at the desk give his reluctant consent to +our admission. It was a simple little place done quitely in red plush +and gold and marble columns, very restful with not over a hundred people +sitting about in the lobby, listning not to the sad sea waves but to a +jazz orchestra and inhaling the nice fresh tobacco smoke of which the +air was full. + +Well, Mr. Freddy give a gasp of relief and bid us good-by, after dating +up Maisie for dinner, and a flock of bell-hops hopped upon our stuff +and we commenced a walking tower to our rooms. As we started off down +the Alleyway, Maison give me a nudge. + +"Look it, that sweet young officer! Aint he handsome?" she whispers only +just loud enough for him to hear. And before I thought I turned my head +and he certainly was easy to look at. He looked, in fact like a cross +between a clothing ad. and a leading juvinille with a touch of bear-cat +in him to make a regular he-man out of him. He was a captain, although +so young, and had a cute little moustache and had that blue-blooded +air--you know--like a Boston accent even without hearing him speak. And +he was sitting all alone under a big poster advertising a entertainment +for the benefit of blind soldiers or something. Of course I didn't +notice him at all, because I being a perfect lady I dont do them things. +But I couldnt help seeing that he didn't blush at what Maisie said, +although I knew he heard it, but a sort of crinkly expression come up +round his nice blue eyes as if he thought us comic or something. It made +me just boil because my clothes is nothing if not refined and I never +wear anything but a little powder on my nose when off the stage, and if +its one thing gets my goat it is to be taken for a show-girl which +undoubtedly he thought the two of us was and they not in his class, for +even with the passing glance I had taken I could see he was used to the +Vanderbilts and all that set and had never had to be taught to take his +daily tub. Do you get me? + +So I walked like I hadnt looked, and of course I really hadnt, and +proceeded to the before the war section of the hotel and the handsome +suite all fitted in real varnished pine and carpets just like a +Rochester boarding house when I was on the small time before I made my +big success, and it made me feel quite at home or would of only for what +I knew the difference in price was going to be. I guessed it just as +soon as I heard Ma gasping over the hotel rules which she was reading. I +went over and looked at them too, and at first I couldn't see nothing +unusual about them. There was the usual bunk about the management not +being responsible for the guest in any way, and Gawd knows how could +they be and I dont blame them. And then, a little ways down I see what +had got Ma stirred up. It seems dogs was ten dollars a week per each, +and of course we had two of them and Ma never has cared for my two, +anyways. + +"Well, I hope the sea air will be good for the poor little lambs," she +says very sarcastic. "Mebbe it'll make 'em grow--into police-dogs or +something useful!" + +Well I see by this that the salt air had not yet got to Ma, although the +troublesome journey had. And so I put on a simple little suit of English +tweed and low heeled shoes and a walking hat, which seemed to me the +right thing for the country, and went out to pry off a little health +before dinner. + +The outdoors was something grand. The air was as good a cocktail as a +person would want, and the lights along the boardwalk was coming out +like dandelion blossoms. There was hardly anybody around--just a few +here and there and the surf of that wide and cruel ocean which Jim was +the other side of, was breaking close to the rail in big white ostrich +plumes. Overhead the sky was as clear and high as a circular drop with +the violet lights on it, and a few clean stars was coming out. It was +just cold enough to make a person want to walk fast until the blood got +singing through you and you wanted to shout and run, only of course no +lady would. But just the same, I commenced to feel glad I hadnt died +when I had the measles, and I loved everybody and had a great career +before me and--and--oh that grand yearning happy feeling which comes out +of being young and full of strength and a good bank-account. Do you get +me? You do! + +Well anyways, here I was walking like I had money on it and huming a +tune to myself, when along comes a man the other way, walking two to my +one, and huming the same tune, "How I hate to get up in the morning," it +was. When he heard me and I heard him we both sort of half stopped out +of surprise, and I got a good look at him. It was the young Captain from +the hotel. + +He also give a start of surprise when he seen me, showing he recognized +me just as good as I did him. Only it was a real, genuine start, as if +he realized something more than the fact he had seen me at the hotel. +Then he smiled--a smile which would of done any dental ad. proud, and +passed along, looking back over his shoulder--once. While I went along +minding my own business and only know he looked back on account of my +happening to look back to see how far I had gone. I went a mile further +and somehow that smile of his stuck in my mind and made me sort of happy +for no reason, and at the same time awful extra lonesome for Jim. I made +up my mind I would get Jim a new car for a surprise when he come home +and I would send him a extra box of eats this week and some of them +cigarettes he likes so well, and a whole lot of stuff like that, the way +a woman does at such a time. Do you get me? Probably. + +Well anyways, I walked myself into a terrible enthusiasm over Jim, and +then come back to the hotel. Which, by the way, its a strange thing how +much further it is coming back to a Atlantic City hotel than walking +away from it. And there at the door was Ma with the two dogs. A real +strange sight for I never knew her to take them out before, and it +looked like a guilty conscience, for she give me a peek out of the +corner of her eye for some reason and then hastily explained how she had +thought she'd take them herself this time instead of Musette. Well, we +got rid of the dogs and then come down to dinner where Maison sailed +down upon us all dressed up and no place to go, for it seems this Mr. +Freddy had stood her up on the dinner, having telephoned he'd be over +later with a friend or two but business prevented him paying for her +meal, or at least thats what I expect he meant. And Maison was wild. But +she had to eat dinner with us, and register a bunch of complaints +between bowing to friends and so forth. + +"The luck I have!" she says. "That guy Freddy doesn't think any more of +a nickle than he does of his right arm! And with all the conventions +which is held at this town of course we would have to pick on the date +the Baptist ministers was here! Its a fact! The clerk told me. And what +is more if there ain't Ruby Roselle and Goldringer and will you look at +that wine and it twelve a quart without the tax! Well, of all things!" + + +III + +And there sure enough was Ruby across the room with Goldringer, which he +evidently had come down to wait for the answer to that cable in the +fresh air, and I suppose Ruby was a accident, the same as Freddy, for +goodness knows, I wouldnt say a thing against her even behind her +back--and a good deal could be said behind what shows of it when in +costume. But I wouldnt say it anyhow, because even if it was the truth +that woman would sue a person for liabale if only to get her name in the +paper. And if she happened to be taking dinner with Goldringer, Gawd +knows, its a comparatively free country and he's her manager as well as +mine and its a good thing to assume its only business whenever possible +as thinking the best of people never hurt anybody yet. + +Also across the room all by himself was that young Captain, and he +looked over twice but of course I pretended it was the picture on the +wall over his head which had took my eye. Altogether that strange dining +room wasnt much more lonesome to us than the Ritz or Astor for tea would +of been. But the most remarkable part of the meal was Ma. Because she +didn't touch it! Actually, and it the American plan which would tempt +one of these Asthetics if for no other reason but that you have to pay +for it anyway. And all she took was a piece of meat about the size of a +dime and a leaf of salad. + +"I'm going to stick by what I said if only because you said I wouldnt!" +she says, looking me square in the eye. "Diet is my middle name." + +Well, I mentally give her until to-morrow on that but said nothing at +the time. And we went out into the lounge where Mr. Freddy and three +friends was already lounging and after they had joined us, Goldringer +and Ruby did the same, and the drinks commenced to flow with that +frantic haste like into a river at the edge of the ocean as the poet +says, meaning because its near its finish. While I, never using any +alcohol myself except to remove my make up, sat there flushed with Bevo, +and couldn't help noticing the way the Captain which he was still all +alone, looked over at the menagerie, and it made me boil for how could I +help that piker Freddy and his cheap friends and the rest, and believe +you me there are many perfect ladies in pictures and on the stage, only +the public dont often recognize them because they are swamped with a +bunch of roughnecks which all are popularly supposed to be. + +It was a big relief when the Captain got up and went away about nine, +and left us to a endurance contest as to which could sit up the longest +in that refreshing atmosphere of cigarette smoke and drinks and +ten-dollar perfume with the sad sea waves beating vainly outside the +carefully glass enclosed verandah until one o'clock--when I personally +went to bed leaving them to their fate. + +I give the telephone operator a terrible shock by leaving a call for +seven thirty, and when it come I put on my riding suit which I had left +from a dance called "The Call to Hounds" which Jim and me done at the +Palace just before he enlisted, and went out into the keen morning air. +And it was some air! Then I commenced to look around for horses but had +great difficulty in finding the same, for it seems the Atlantic City +horses dont get up any earlier than most of the visitors, and believe +you me I and a few coons which were picking up scraps and so forth off +the boardwalk, was the only birds in sight at that hour. Well anyways I +walked along breathing in that sweet air at about fifty cents per breath +by the hotel rates, but feeling pretty good in spite of it, when I +actually found a place where the horses was up--or mabe they had been +all night. I got a horse which looked considerable like a moth-eaten +property one but could go pretty good and commenced to ride gently along +what seemed to be my private ocean, when all of a sudden who would I +see but the young Captain riding very good indeed. He come up to me on +high and then tried to put on the brakes when he seen who it was, but +the horse had its mind on something else and wouldnt, so he got by me +but not without a "Good morning!" Which I thought fairly safe to smile +at seeing we was so rapidly going in opposite directions. But it seems +he must of spoke roughly to his steed for he come up behind me and spoke +with just that grand refined Big-Time drawing-room act accent I knew by +his little moustache he would have. + +"I say! What luck!" he says. "You are Miss Marie LaTour, are you not?" + +Was I sore? I was. Any lady would be and of course after the company he +seen me in at the hotel what could I expect but to be picked up? But +more particularly as he had my name and it with a good reputation, and +no one can say different with truth, I simply had to show him where he +got off. + +"Sir!" I says, just like a play. "Sir! I do not know you. Please beat it +at once!" + +"I know, but really!" he begged, flashing that white smile. "I'm not +trying to be impertenant--let me explain...." + +"Explain nothing!" I says very haughty. "I wont listen." + +"But I'm not doing what you think!" he cries out. "Please wait until you +hear...." + +"I've heard that 'please listen' stuff before," I says. "Good-by!" + +And then I done the bravest act of my life, not being really acquainted +with horses, especially Atlantic City ones. I give the horse a lash and +off we went, I trying hard to give the impression of a good rider and +not looking back because I dasn't with that animal headed for the steel +pier full clip. But I heard the Captain's remarks, just the same. + +"By jove, I'll _make_ you listen to me--just for that!" he says. And I +heard no more, for the bird which keeps the horses come out and rescued +me just before we hit the pier and I got off and started for the hotel, +boiling with rage. Me treated like a common chorus girl! Me, once the +best known parlor dancing act in the world, and now even more so on the +motion picture screen and a lady or dead! I wouldnt of looked at that +guy again on a bet--I made up my mind right then and there to show him +his mistake and that if my accent wasnt as good as his my morals was +better and no attempt on his part could get me to speak to him again. + +Well in this state of mind I run into Ma, just before we reached the +hotel which she was hurrying to just ahead of me, and believe you me I +was sure surprised because I never knew her out so early although she +generally is up by seven, but with her curlpapers still on and a kimona +and thats different from coming out in public. + +"I've been taking my exercise!" she says before I could speak. "And I'm +glad to see you do the same," she says. + +And I certainly had to hand it to her strength of mind because after +being out so early and all she eat was only tea and dry toast for +breakfast. + +After which we stopped by the office and just before we got there I see +the Captain give a note to the clerk and walk away. When we asked for +mail that note was the first thing the clerk handed me. + +"Captain Raymond just left this for you Miss LaTour," he says. + +I didnt even open it. + +"Kindly return it," I says, very dignified, giving it back, and looked +over my other mail. But no letter from my husband, which is always the +way on a day a woman most needs one. So I went upstairs very low in my +mind and sort of glad that even if Jim couldn't think to write there was +others would be glad enough to if they was let. And then I went and got +Maison out of bed which she was taking her breakfast in. + +"You come down here for your health and look what you do to it!" I says, +and made her go for a boardwalk which she held out for about half a hour +and no wonder with the heels she wears, and then stopped me with a gasp. + +"Dearie, you surely must be the one that put the hell in health," she +says, "For heavens sakes leave us sit down." + +Well we did, and in about five minutes along comes Mr. Freddy with a +friend, Mr. Sternberg, and it was remarkable how quick Maison recovered +her strength, with the result that we spent a quiet little morning and +about fifty dollars of Mr. Sternberg's money on shooting-galleries and +throwing rings and carousels and a Japanese auction and other restful +seaside sports, and ended at a quiet little cafe simply done in paper +roses and rubber palm trees where the drinks was only seventy-five +cents per each and I had to sit and watch them again, Ma having gone +off to exercise and not appearing to want me along with her. + +Well anyways I was sort of relieved over not having to eat lunch with +Captain Raymond looking on back at the hotel, and was just thinking of +it when who would come into that cafe but the Captain himself, alone +except for another officer, a Lieutenant with his arm in a sling and +caught sight of me the very minute he sat down. + +Well of course I didnt look over at him but I couldnt help noticing he +called a waiter and wrote a note on a piece of paper and that the waiter +brought it over to me. + +And Maison seen it too, and her gentleman friends the same, and did they +kid me? They did! But I kept the bird which had brought the note over +while I tore it in two without reading it and sent it back again that +way and believe you me that got over, because I could see Captain +Raymond turn red all the way across the noisy room. + +Well I thought that had settled it and spent a mournful if busy +afternoon in another cafe where there was lots of smoke and a Jazz band +and dancing and Maison was real happy because she had finally got Mr. +Freddy to spend a nickle and a half. But I was lower than ever in my +mind thinking how much more often some soldiers seemed able to write +than others. + +Well, after we had taken a nice walk in the fresh air nearly three +blocks long, I got back to the hotel to find that Goldringer was giving +a party that night beginning with dinner and of course Ma and me was +booked for it and no escape because of my contract with him. And it was +some party and at twelve o'clock that night I dragged my weary bones +down the corridor after the second day of my rest, feeling that I would +pass out any minute. A person certainly does need their strength to +enjoy a American health resort. + +The next morning I didn't even attempt to get up for any wild west +exhibit. I hadn't the pep for one thing and the Captain was another +reason of course. And when I finally come down-stairs and see Ma eat +practically nothing, I let her set off right away after breakfast +without me for exercise was nothing in my life. I strolled around the +lobby waiting for Maison Rosabelle according to her request and there I +seen a big poster which I had noticed before, the one about the +entertainment for the benefit of blind soldiers which the Captain had +been sitting under the first time I--he saw me, and I went over and read +it and the entertainment was to come off that very night. And while I +was reading it the second time the way a person does in a hotel lobby, +up comes Captain Raymond and actually speaks right there where a sceene +would of proved me no lady. + +"Please, Miss LaTour!" he says. "It's so _important._" + +"Kindly do not force me to call for assistance," I says low and quiet. +"You are a stranger to me." + +"But you dont understand!" he says, flushing up red the attractive way +he had for all he was so fresh. + +"Indeed I do," I says. "I havent been in the theatrical world since +three generations for nothing," I says. "Kindly go _away!_" + +"If you would only listen for five minutes, I'd prove how mistaken you +are!" he says. "Won't you give me a chance?" + +"No!" I says. + +"By Heavens, I'll make you!" he says, half laughing. "I've never seen +anything so absurd! Why my dear lady...." + +Right then up comes Maison in a simple little Xmas tree of a dress in +green and gold and red, and I broke away and took her arm, and hurried +her out through the front door, leaving the Captain staring after us and +rather against Maison's will. + +"Why didn't you introduce me, dearie?" she says. "I kind a thought you'd +pick up that bird!" + +"I didn't pick him up. I turned him down!" I snapped. But Maison kidded +me the whole three hours while we was in the beauty-parlours getting +waived and manicured. + + +IV + +Then we had a nice wholesome little lunch lasting only three hours and +comparatively quiet and by ourselves, seeing there was only Goldringer +and Ruby Roselle and Maison and Freddy and O'Flarety, our leading +juvenile who had turned up, and Mr. Sternberger and a friend of Ma's +which used to be in the circus with her, and Ma and myself. And all the +way through I watched Ma kind of anxiously, for she only toyed with a +little salad and passed up everything else. I was by this time really +scared she would be haggard or something, but she looked fine, and not +a word of complaint out of her, only toward four o'clock she got kind of +restless, and so did I, so we excused ourselves, and walked to the door +together. + +"You needn't come along with me, Mary Gilligan," she says. "I want to +walk real fast." + +I looked at her sort of surprised at that, but at the time the queerness +didn't really sink in. And I was so wore out I was actually glad to let +her go alone and personally, myself, I took one of those overgrown +baby-carriages or rolling chairs which I thought a healthy young person +like myself would never come to, and sank into it like the poor weary +soul I was, and let the coon tuck me in like a six-months-old, and off +we went as fast as a snail. + +Well it was pleasanter than I had thought it would be and I got kind of +drowsy and dreamy and somehow I couldnt help but think of Captain +Raymond and how refined and nice he was and how my fame and beauty had +captured him to the extent that it had almost made him forget to act +like a gentleman, and how he persisted like a regular story book hero. +And I wondered if he would shoot himself on my account, and that threw a +awful scare into me, for handsome women have a terrible responsibility +in the way they treat men. And I wondered was I really doing the right +thing, taking such a risk by treating him so sever and not speaking and +here he was in the service of his country and all and Gawd knows I might +be wrecking his whole life from then on. And furthermore I thought how +hard it is to be refined and what a lot a person has to sacrifice to it, +and that the roughnecks of this world seem to have most of the fun. And +that it was certainly hard to be dignified but that my whole career was +built on my refinement no less than my great talent, and I must respect +my own position. Ah well, uneasy lies the tooth that wears a crown as +the poet says, or something! + +And by this time the coon had got tired pushing me and turning my face +sea-ward had gone to take a rest and I took one too and actually fell +asleep. + +When I woke up I was moving again, going slow in the direction of the +Inlet, and I felt quite refreshed and happy, and the whole of Atlantic +City appeared to feel the same, for everybody I passed smiled and seemed +to be enjoying theirselves. And they all seemed to smile at me in such a +sweet, friendly way it made my heart feel awful good. I was even quite +surprised because although of course I am used to being recognized every +place I go, but still, more people than ever was doing it this +afternoon. I begun to think I must be looking pretty good and that my +hat, about which I had had a few doubts, was a big success after all. It +really was a sort of triumphal progress as the saying is, and I had half +a mind to turn around when we passed the last pier; but the ocean looked +so beautiful and pink in the sunset and going the other way it would of +been in my eyes, so I just let myself be rolled on and on until we was +almost to the Inlet and not a soul in sight. Then the chair stopped and +was turned against the rail. + +"Now I've got you at last!" said a unexpected voice, and around from the +back came, not the coon, but Captain Raymond. + +"Where did you come from?" I asked, hardly able to speak. + +"I have had the honor of pushing you into this secluded corner of--of +the ocean!" he said, his blue eyes twinkling. + +"But how--how . . ." I sputtered. + +"I bought off the colored man while you were sleeping," he said. "And +have been your humble servant for almost an hour!" + +Can you beat it? You cant! + +"Well of all the nerve," I began, remembering how people had smiled, and +no wonder! + +"What are you going to do about it?" he asked. + +"Walk home this minute!" I says, struggling with the rugs. But they had +a will of their own and it was on his side and I just couldnt seem to +get free of them. + +"Oh I say, don't be so absurd!" he says smilingly. + +"I'm not!" I says. + +"Oh but you are!" he insisted. "Just sit still and let me show you +something!" + +Well, there was nothing for me but to give in or look a utter fool, and +he _was_ so attractive! And, well anyways, I waited and he brought out a +letter from his overcoat pocket and it was the very one he had wrote me +first and I had returned it to the hotel clerk. + +"Please just open it!" he begged, and I did and nearly fainted because +inside was a letter in Jim's handwriting addressed to me and introducing +Captain Charles Raymond who was with him in France, only being gassed +was now home on leave and would I show him every courtesy as he had +been good to my ever loving husband, Jim! + +"And really and truly I wouldn't have been so persistant, Miss LaTour," +Captain Raymond was saying as I looked up. "I had intended using it when +I got to New York of course. But when they put me in charge of this +entertainment for the benefit of the blind, and I discovered you were +here, I was simply determined to get you to take part in it. Couldn't +you do us just one little dance? It would be such a drawing-card, your +name would. That was all I wanted, really!" + +Believe you me I didn't know what to think or how I felt. Did I feel +flat? I did! Did I feel relieved? I did!! So it wasnt a mash at all, and +for a moment I felt a lonelier war-widow than ever. Then I remembered +how Jim said in the note to be nice to this bird, and I could see, now +that I looked at him good, that he was the sort which it is perfectly +safe to be nice to. Not that he didnt admire me, either, but that he was +just as refined as me and more so and was Jim's pal beside. So I says +yes, of course I would dance, and we talked and talked and the sun went +down, and got to be real friends and was it good to hear about Jim, +first hand? <b>IT WAS</b>! And after a while we commenced to walk back toward +the hotel, pushing the chair, and the lights was all lit along the walk +like Fairyland, and also in the shops so they was more like show-cases +than ever. And then I got the second shock of the afternoon because at +ten past six with dinner at seven, there was Ma in the Ocean Lunch +eating griddle-cakes, fish-balls, Salsbury steake and coffee, with a +little strained honey and apple-pie on the side! No wonder she could +diet so good! And I take it to my credit that, since she did not notice +me, I never let on that I seen her, not then nor afterward at dinner +when she refused everything but two dill pickles! + +But it wasn't until afterward when I was in the star dressing-room at +the Apollo Theatre, putting on my make-up for the benefit that the real +blow came. I was just about ready to go on when in rushed Goldringer, +all breathless with a cablegram in his hand. + +"Its all right about Olivette Twist!" he puffed at me. "We'll begin +making that fillum Tuesday!" and he threw the message down on my +dressing table. It was signed by our London manager and it read:-- + +"Present location of Charles Dickens uncertain but material is +uncopyrighted, shoot." + +And so immediately after the show, myself and Ma went back to New York +to get a twenty-four hour rest before commencing work again. + + + + +V + +NOW IS THE TIME + + +I + +BELIEVE you me, the world to-day is just about as settled as a green +passenger on a trip to Bermuda. There is that same awful feeling of not +knowing is something going to happen or not--do you get me? You do! And +it can't help but strike even a mere womanly woman and lady like I, that +unless the captain and officers keep a firm hand on the crew until we +get a little ballast in the hold, we are likely to get in Dutch. Not +meaning the Germans necessarily, but the Russians, or something just as +bad. And perhaps it may seem strange for me to know about them +nautchical terms, but anybody which has once been to Bermuda learns what +ballast is on account of their not having hardly any on them boats +because of the water not being deep enough, and believe you me, nothing +I had to do in the fillum we made after what was left of us arrived +there, and it was some fillum at that--$1000. for bathing costumes alone +and me as "The Sea King's Conquest" in silver scales, although hardly +knowing how to swim--was a patch on the treatment which that unballasted +boat handed me on the trip down. + +Well anyways, even when sitting in the security of my flat on the Drive, +which Gawd knows it aught to be secure what with the salary I get and +moving-pictures will be the last thing the common people will give +up;--even with this security and the handsomest furniture any +installment house could provide, and every other equipment which is +necessary to one so prominent in my line as myself, still even in the +scarcity of the home, as the poet says, I am conscious that the world +is, or could quite easily be, on the blink. + +And ain't it the truth? Even the simplest soul, buried in the wilds of +Broadway and wholly absorbed in their own small life must feel the +unrest. No use kidding ourselves about it. It's time for all good +Americans to quit fighting among theirselves and come to the aid of the +country. Regardless of race, creed or color, as the free hospital says, +and Gawd knows the hospital will be where they'll land if they don't. +Do you get me? Probably not. What I mean is, it's time we quit talking +and _did_ something. What? I dunno, quite, but it was this general line +of thought, which come to me while listening to the director give me my +instructions for the ball-room scene in "The Dove of Peace," where I +catch the Russian Ambassador giving the nitro-glycerine or some other +patent face-cleanser to the fake Senator, caused me to reform the White +Kittens. That and Ma's peculiar behavior, plus the new cook. + +You see it come over me all of a sudden that we ladies have now a vote +and so forth, which unquestionably makes us more or less citizens the +same as the men, and if the country went bluey, why wouldn't it be our +fault as well? And I come to this partially through the sense of unrest +and having eat something that didn't settle good and Ma's behavior. All +coming at once they kind of got together and exploded into my idea. + +Well anyways, I had just come to a place in my personal life where I +seen a little peace and quiet ahead and nothing to do but go up in an +aeroplane for the second reel of "The Dove." The war was over without +Jim being killed in it and a new chance offered by a big picture +contract the minute his uniform should be off him; I was going strong +with nothing but Broadway releases and a salary which made Morgan +jealous; my spring clothes hadn't a failure among them and only one of +my hats was too tight in the head. The fool dogs was both healthy, the +cook had stayed a month; the car had been in order for over three weeks, +and I had successfully nursed Ma through the flu. And I thought fat +could not harm me, as the poet says, for I had dieted to-day. When all +of a sudden Ma, who had hardly got over the Influenza, come down with +Bolshevism. + +Now the trouble with these new diseases is that the doctors don't seem +to know anything about them nor what makes them catching. At least that +is the line of talk they pull, but I got a hunch myself, that if the flu +had been quarantined right in the first place it could of been stopped. +Do you get me? You do! And I will say one more word in favor of +Influenza. You was obliged to report it, if only to the Board of Health. +But Bolshevism seems to be like a cold in the head. If you catch it, +that evidently is nobody's business but your own; if you spread it--the +same. Then again folks are kind of proud of having had the flu. It makes +conversation and everything, and one which has escaped feels a little +mortified like admitting they had never seen Charlie Chaplin. Indeed, +people certainly do get a lot of pleasure out of illness and etc. And so +long as it is under control, all right, leave them enjoy theirselves. +They had to suffer first and mabe a little talk is coming to them. + +But with this Bolshevism it's the other way around. The talk comes +first, but believe you me, the suffering will come afterwards. And if +they could only be made to realise this ere too late, a whole lot of +patients would be cured before they got it. A ounce of Americanism is +worth a pound of red propaganda, as the poet says, or would of had he +written to-day. + +Things started with Ma as per usual upsetting the cook which has come to +be a habit with her, for cooking is to Ma what his art is to +Caruso--naught but death could tear her from it permanent. And while I +give her credit for trying in every way to be an idle rich, the kitchen +might as well be furnished with magnets and she a nail for all she can +keep out of it with the natural result that keeping out of it is the +best thing the cooks we hire do. And I can't say with any truth that I +have made as much effort to break her of that as of some other lack of +refinements, such as remembering that toothpicks ain't a public utility +and never to say "excuse my back," or keep her knife and fork for the +next course at the Ritz. Because believe you me, Ma is some cook and a +real authograph dinner by her is something to bring tears of sweet +memory to the eyes of the older generation and leave us young things in +sympathetic wonder about them dear dead days when first class +home-cooking was a custom, not a curiosity. And so while the material +side of life don't interest me much, what with my work and etc. to take +my mind off it, still even a artist must eat or Gawd knows where the +strength to act in the "Dove of Peace" or any other six-reeler would +come from if I didn't, and Ma's is that simple nourishing kind, but with +quality, the same as the sort of dresses I wear--made out of two dollars +worth of material and a thousand dollar idea. + +Well anyways, our latest cook which had a husband in the service and had +took up her work again so's to release him for the front at Camp Mills, +for he got no further, heard he was coming back home, having got his +discharge and it upset her so but whether from joy or rage, I don't know +which, that there was nothing to eat in the kitchen but a little liquor +she had left at seven-thirty, when we went in to see what was the cause +of delay, and me with Maison Rosabelle and a friend to dinner. So Ma +woke her up out of her emotions which she claimed had overcome her, and +give her a honorable discharge of her own and then turned up the ends of +her sleeves, and only a little hampered by the narrow skirt to the green +satin evening gown she had on her, give us a meal as per above +described. And no one would of cared how long it was before the +intelligence office--I mean domestic, not U.S. Army--sent us a cook but +that in trying to save her dress Ma got hot grease on her right hand and +that changed the situation because we had to call up next day and take +anything they had--and they sent us up a German woman. + +Well, believe you me, that was a shock because I had an idea that all +the Germans in the country was either interned or incognito, but this +one wasn't even disguised, which isn't so remarkable on account of her +being pretty near as big as Ma and a voice on her like a fog-horn with +a strong accent on the fog. I never in my life see so many bags and +bundles and ecteras as that female had with her, for she was undoubtedly +one, although she had a sort of moustache beside the voice. But what she +had in voice she certainly lacked in words. When Ma set out to ask her +the usual questions which everybody does, although their heart is +trembling with fear, she won't take the job, this lady Hun didn't +divulge no more information about herself than we asked. She was as +stingy with her language as if it had been hard liquor. Ma asked her to +come in, and she did, and sat without being asked upon one of the gold +chairs in the parlor which I certainly never expected it would survive +the test, they being made for parlor rather than sitting room. + +Well anyways, it's a fact she certainly was a mountain and if she were a +fair specimen, all this about the Germans starving to death is the bunk. +Only her being over here may of made a difference. Well, after she had +set down a bundle done up in black oil-cloth, a cute little hand-bag +about a yard long made out of somebody's old stair-carpet, a shoe-box +with a heel of bread sticking out at one end, an umbrella which looked +like a sea-side one, a pot of white hyacinths in full bloom and a +net-bag full of little odds and ends, she still had an old black +pocket-book and a big bulky bundle done up in a shawl lying idly in her +lap. After I had taken all this in, I gave her personally the once-over +and was surprised to see she wasn't so old as her figure, or anything +like it. For by the size of her she might of been the Pyramids, but her +face was quite young and if she had been a boy I would of said the +moustache was the first cherished down. + +"What's your name, dearie?" says Ma, which I simply can't learn her not +to be familiar with servants. + +"Anna," says the lump. + +"And where do you come from?" says Ma, giving a poor imitation of a +detective. + +"Old Country," says Anna. Well, Ma and me at once exchanged glances, +putting name and place together. + +"German?" says Ma. "Of course!" + +"Swedish," says Anna, more lumpishly than ever. + +And just at that moment the air was filled with a big laugh that none of +us there had give voice to. It was _some_ shock, that laugh, and Ma and +me looked around expecting to see who had come into the room, but it +was nobody. Anna was the only one who didn't seem disturbed. She just +went on sitting. + +"Who was that?" says Ma. + +"It must of been outside," I says, for it was warm and we had the +windows open so's to let in the gasoline and railroad smoke and a little +fresh air. + +"I guess so," says Ma. Then she went back to her third-degree. + +"So you're Swedish!" says Ma. "Can you cook?" + +"Good!" says Anna. "Svell cook!" + +"Well, dearie!" says Ma, "why was it you left your last place?" + +"Too hot!" says Anna. And again me and Ma exchanged glances. + +"Are you a good American?" says Ma. + +"Good American-Swedish," says Anna. And immediately that awful laugh was +repeated. This time it was in the room, no doubt about it. And yet no +one was there outside ourselfs. + +"My Gawd!" says Ma. "What was it?" + +"Somebody is hid some place!" I says. "And I'd like to know who is it +with the cheap sense of humor?" + +"It bane Frits," says Anna. "Na, na, Frits!" + +"But where on earth . . ." I was commencing, when I noticed Anna was +unwinding the shawl off the package in her lap. And then in another +moment we seen Frits for our own selves, for there he was, a big +moth-eaten parrot, interned in a cage, making wicked eyes at us and +giving us the ha-ha like the true Hun he was! + +"Frits and me, we stay!" announced Anna comfortably. "We stay!" + +"But look here," says I, "we didn't start out to hire any parrots." + +"Why Mary Gilligan!" says Ma, and I could see she was scared that if +Frits went Anna would certainly go, too. "Why Mary Gilligan, I thought +you was fond of dumb animals!" she says. + +"And so I am," I says. "The dumber the better. But this one is evidently +far from it! How am I going to figure out my income tax with this bird +hanging around?" + +"Hang in den Kitchen!" says Anna firmly, and at that we gave in, because +cooks is cooks, and what's a bird more or less after all? Still I didn't +like him on account of suspecting he wasn't a neutral any more than +Anna was for all she claimed to be a Swede. I had read a piece in the +paper about where the Germans was pretending to be Swede or Spanish or +anything they could get away with so's to remain free to spread +Bolshevism and influenza and bombs and send up the price of dry and +fancy goods and put through the Prohibition amendment and all them other +gentle little activities for which they are so well and justly known. + +But I thought knowledge is power as the guy which wrote the copy-book +says, and I had the drop on Anna through being on to her disguise and +beside which I could see Ma was going to be miserable if she had to eat +out while her hand was in the sling, and so we took the viper to our +bosom, or in other words, we hired her, and anyways, she had already +accepted the job and it would of been a lot of trouble to get her out by +force. Which, believe you me, a person seldom has to do with servants +now-a-days, and confirmed me about her being German because naturally +people don't hire them, if acknowledging to themselves that they _are_ +Germans any more than they would now deliberately import sauerkraut or +any other German industry. Do you get me? You'd better! + +But in this case there was a reasonable doubt together with a real +necessity, although from what come of it, I feel, looking backwards, it +would of been better to eat out and suffer than to of compromised with +our patriotic consciences like we done at that time. Because there is +_no_ reasonable doubt but that Anna's coming into the house was greatly +responsible for Ma's catching Bolshevism. + + +II + +NOT that she caught it off Anna directly, because for once we had a cook +which couldn't talk or understand American and so there was no use in +Ma's hanging around the kitchen worrying the life out of her. And so the +very first morning Anna was on the premises, Ma commenced hanging around +and worrying the life out of me. + +It happened we was waiting for the aeroplane I was to go up in to arrive +at the studio, and so for once having my morning for myself, I thought I +would just dash off my income tax return, and be done with it. + +But it seems that this is one of the things which is easier said than +done, the same as signing the peace-treaty, and believe you me, the last +ain't got a thing on the former and I don't know did Pres. Wilson make +out his own income tax return or not. But if he did and the collector of +Internal Revenue left him get by with it as he must of or why would the +Pres. be in Paris, which is out of the country, well anyways, if the +Pres. did it alone, believe you me, he will get away with the treaty all +right, and probably even write in this here Leg of Nations under table +13, page 1, of return and instructions page 2 under K (b) without having +to ask anybody how to do it, he having undoubtedly shown the power to +think. + +Well anyways, I had taken all the poker-chips, silk-sale samples, old +theatre programs and etc., out of my desk, found my fountain pen and a +bottle of ink, and was turning that cute little literacy test around and +over to see where would I commence and had got no further than the +realization that most of my brains is in my feet instead of behind my +face, when Ma comes in and commences worrying me because she could not +cook nor yet crochet like the lillies of the field, or whatever that +well-known idle flower was. I tried to listen at least as politely as +is ever required of a daughter to her mother, but when I was trying to +figure out my answer to question No. 5 and getting real mad over its +personalness, I couldn't stand to hear her complain over not being able +to crochet them terrible mats she makes which are not fit for anything +except Xmas presents, anyways. + +"The trouble with you, Ma," I snapped at last, "is that you aught to get +a live-wire outside interest. You're getting out of date. Ladies don't +crochet no more and even knitting has been dished by the armistice. You +never read a newspaper or a book. You should go in for something snappy +and up to the moment like literature or jobs for soldiers, or business, +or something." + +This got Ma's goat right off, like I hoped it would. + +"Oh, so I'm on the shelf, am I?" she says, "well, leave me tell you Mary +Gilligan, if it wasn't for us back numbers you new numbers wouldn't even +_be_ here, don't forget that! And after having been the first American +lady to do the double backward leap on the two center trapeses, I can +hardly be called a dead one, even if a little heavier than I was. And +from that time on I have never ceased to be forward." + +"You'd have to show me," I says, grimly. + +"All right, I will," she says. + +And believe you me, she did. She went and got on her dolman and her +spring hat and left me in wrath and the midst of that income tax with +that "I'll never come back" air so familiar to all well-regulated +families. + +Well, as I sat there struggling over where to put the x and = marks, and +how much exemption could I get away with and still be on speaking terms +with myself, and wondering whether the two fool dogs was dependents or +not--which they aught to be, seeing how helpless they are and a big +expense and Gawd knows I keep them only for appearances and they aught +to come under the head of professional expenditures, because no +well-known actress but has them to help out the scenery--well anyways, I +was deep in this highly high-brow occupation in the comparatively +perfect silence of my exclusive flat where ordinarily we don't hear a +thing but the neighbors' pianola and the dumb-waiter and the auto horns +on the drive and the train just beyond--well, this comparatively for +New York, perfect silence was broke by an awful yell in the apartment +itself. + +"Anarchy!" a terrible voice hollered. And then again "Anarchy! Anarchy!" + +Believe you me, my blood turned to lemon soda for a moment and the boys +in the trenches never had worse crawling down the back than me at that +minute, coming as it did right on top of me, writing in opposite to B. +income from salaries--you know--$60,000.00. The silence which followed +was even worse. And I sat there sort of frozen while expecting a bomb +would go off any minute, and Gawd knows sixty thousand is a lot of +money, but any one which investigated the true facts could quickly see +that I earn every cent of it and anyways brains has a right to the +bigger share, not to mention ability, and if the way I worked myself up +from the lower classes ain't proof of what can be done single-handed in +America, I don't know what is, and anybody which works as hard and lives +as decent as I done can do the same, not that I want to hand myself +anything extra, only speaking personally, I am in a position to know. + +But just the same I wasn't reasoning at the minute and the justice, as +you might say, of my case didn't occur to me until later. As I sat there +trying to remember to think, the voice yells it again, only this time +with additions. + +"Anarchy! Love Anarchy! Pretzel!" + +And then I realised it was that parrot belonging to the new cook. + +Can you imagine my feelings on top of my suspicions of her? You can! I +got up and went into the kitchen to see if a bomb was may be being +prepared for our dinner, but not at all. The kitchen was scrubbed to the +last tile, something that smelled simply grand was baking, the white +hyacinths was in the sun on the window-sill, and Anna was humming under +her breath while she rolled out biscuit-dough. The radical parrot was +shut up, but only as to mouth, he being loose and walking about the top +of the clothes-wringer, making himself very much at home, and giving me +_some_ evil look as I come in. + +"Aren't you afraid he'll get away?" I says. + +"Huh?" says Anna, stopping rolling, and blinking at me. + +"Lose him--parrot----!" I says, pointing to him and flapping my arms +like wings. + +"Frits?" she said. "Na--Frits like liberty!" + +And that was all I could get out of her. I stuck around for a few +minutes more, until Anna commenced to give me the cook's-eye, that bird +backing her up and sneering at me while dancing slowly on the wringer, +but not moving a step. So I got out and back to the parlor but not to my +work which Gawd knows I had to take it over to the bank and leave them +do it for me after all--but sat down instead to consider them two +suspicious birds in the back part of the flat. I personally myself was +convinced that there was something very wrong about Anna. But so far she +had said nothing under the espionage law exactly and I didn't know could +you arrest a bird for too much liberty of speech even though it loved +anarchy, and liberty and everything and was undoubtedly capable of +spreading propaganda what with the voice it had. + +Well anyways, as I was holding my marcelle wave with both hands and +racking what little was underneath it over the situation, I heard the +key in the lock and in come Ma all flushed and cheerful and pleased with +herself and handed me another jolt. + +"I had a real sweet, pleasant morning," she says, taking off her gloves +and hat and wiping her face with one of them big handkerchiefs like she +used to carry in the circus and will not give up. "A real nice time," +she says, egging me on to question her. + +"Where have you been?" I says, like she wanted me to. + +"Oh, just to a little Bolsheviki meeting," she says, casual. And picking +up her things she started for her room. + +"Hold on, Ma!" I says, having managed to get my breath before she +reached the door. "Say that again, will you?" + +She turned and come back at that, still keeping up the careless stuff. + +"Certainly," she says, "Bolsheviki meeting. Are you interested in this +up-to-date stuff?" + +"Interested!" I says. "Of course I am. I'm against it. Why Ma Gilligan!" +I says. "Do you know what Bolshevism _is?"_ + +"Do you?" says Ma, sweetly. + +"No!" says I. "And neither do they. But I am sure it's the bunk, and I +feel it's wrong, and I am ashamed of you going!" + +"How old-fashioned of you, dearie," says Ma. "Have you ever heard a +speaker or been to a meeting?" + +"I don't need to!" I says short, being kind of at a loss. + +"Well, I have!" says Ma, triumphant. + +"Where was it at?" I demanded. + +"Down to the circus," says Ma. "In the Bear-wrestler's dressing room. I +went to call on some of the folks and get the news and Madame Jones, the +new automobile act--very distinguished lady--got me to it. A most +exclusive affair, with only the highest priced acts invited!" + +"And who spoke?" I says. + +"Kiskoff, the bear-wrestler," says Ma. "It certainly was interesting." + +"What did he say?" I says, it getting harder and harder to remember I +was a lady and she my only mother. "What did he say?" + +"I dunno!" says Ma. + +"You don't know!" I fairly yells. "And why don't you know?" + +"Because he only talks Russian!" says Ma, and walked out, leaving me +flat. + +Well, believe you me, I was that upset I scarcely took any notice of my +lunch, although it was a real nice meal, commencing with some juicy kind +of fish and eggs and ending up with pancakes rolled up and filled with +cream curds and powdered sugar. + +Ma took to these eats immensely, and she and Anna exchanged a couple of +smiles, which made me feel like the only living American. And when later +in the day Ma told me she thought she'd join the Bolshevists if she +didn't have to be immersed, and that this Kiskoff's life was in danger +for his beliefs just like the early Romans and nobody knew where he +lived, but was a man of mystery, I couldn't stand it another moment, but +beat it for a long walk by myself because my nerves was sure on edge and +that aeroplane stunt facing me next week. + +But the walk wasn't altogether pleasant, at least not at the start or at +the finish, because when I come out of our palatial near-marble front +stoop, there was a guy standing which might just as well of had on the +brass-buttons and all because you could tell at once by the disguise +that he was a plain-clothes cop. Not that I am so familiar with them, +but their clothes is generally so plain any one could tell them. Do you +get me? You do! + +Well anyways, this bird was standing opposite our door, and at the +second glance I had him spotted or nearly so, and when I come back from +walking fast and wishing to Gawd Jim was back to advise me and occupying +our flat instead of Germany, the fly-cop was still there by which I +became certain he was one; the more so as I watched him from a window +once I was in, and the way he kept camouflaging himself as a casual +passer-by, ended my doubts. + +Well, was that some situation? It was! Here was myself, a good American +though but an ignorant woman, surrounded by all the terrible and +disturbing elements of the day; with everything which aught to be kept +out of every U. S. A. home creeping into mine, and all so sudden that I +hadn't got my breath yet much less any action. In fact, I was sort of +dizzy with what was happening, and my head didn't quiet down any when, +after dinner that night, I heard deep voices out in back. + +"Anna has company!" says Ma in explanation. "Two of them, and I think +they are talking Russian. At any rate one has a beard almost as handsome +as Mr. Kiskoff's." + +This got my angora, and while no lady would ever spy on her cook, this +was surely a exception and so I took a quiet peek in through the pantry +slide and there was Anna and two big he-men all talking at once. The +window was open a little ways from the top and on it was Frits, also +talking in Russian or something, and no earthly reason why he couldn't +take his liberty and go right out if he had really wanted it. And still +another jolt was handed me when I realised one of the men was our very +own ice-man! + +Believe you me, when I went to bed that night in my grey French enameled +Empire style I was wore out with the series of jolts which the day has +handed me. But it is not my custom to sit back and talk things over too +long. I have ever noticed that the person which talks too much seldom +does a whole lot, and that a quick decision if wrong, at least learns +you something, and you can start again on the right track. And no later +than the next day after a funny, though good breakfast, of coffee and +new bread with cinnamon and sugar baked into it and herrings in cream, I +commenced to act. + +"Ma, are you going to keep up this Bolshevist bull?" I says. + +"I am!" she says. "You told me to do something modern and I'm doing the +very modernest thing there is!" + +"You are going to be wrong on that by this P. M.," I says, "or to-morrow +at latest," I says, "because there is or aught to be something moderner, +and that is United Americanism!" I says. "And since the only way to +fight fire is with it, I am going to start a rival organization and +start it quick!" I says, "and I'm going to do it on a sounder basis than +your people ever dreamed of because we'll all talk English so's we'll +each of us know what the organization is about!" + +"Why Marie La Tour!" says Ma, which it's a fact she only calls me that +when she's sore at me. "Why, Marie La Tour, what is your organization +going to do?" + +"I don't know yet beyond one thing," I says, "we are going to _get +together_ and keep together!" + +And so, without waiting for a come-back or any embarrassing questions, I +hustled into a simple little grey satin Trotteur costume which is French +for pony-clothes and left that homefull of heavy-weight traitors where a +radical parrot yelled "Anarchy" from morning till night, and even the +steam radiators had commenced to smell like dynimite. And having shut +the door after me with quite some explosion myself, I had the limousine +headed to the White Kittens Annual Ball Assn., which I was due at it on +account of all the most prominent ladies in picture and theatrical +circles being on the committee and I naturally being indespensible if +only for the value of my name. So I started off but not before I noticed +that the same plain-clothes John was again perched opposite my front +door. + + +III + +ALL the way to the Palatial Hotel which the meeting is always held in +the grand ballroom of, I kept getting more and more worked up. Things +had certainly gone too far when Bolshevism had spread from the parlor to +the kitchen or visa-versa, I didn't know which, and my own Ma being +undoubtedly watched by the more or less Secret Service, all because of +her having taken a fancy to them whiskers of this Kiskoff cockoo, which +is the only explanation I could make of it, and after being a widow +twenty years she aught to of been ashamed of herself. Still, it was a +better explanation for her to of lost her head than her patriotism, and +I tried to think this the case. And my own position was something to +bring tears to a glass eye, what with my well-known war-work and a +perfectly good husband still in the service. And I had made a threat to +take action, and had no idea what it would be, only that now I certainly +had to deliver the goods. + +Well anyways, in despair and the limousine, I finally arrived at the +Palatial and there in the lobby was several other White Kittens which +were also late, so we give each other's clothes the once-over and asked +after our healths and etc., and then hurried up in the elevator to where +the meeting had already commenced. + +Believe you me, my mind stuck to that meeting about as good as a W.S.S. +which has been in your purse a month does when you find your card. The +room was as full as could be with the biggest crowd I ever knew to turn +out for it. But somehow while I am generally pretty well interested in +any crowd, this time nothing seemed to register except my own thoughts. +Even the chairlady couldn't hold my attention partially because she was +Ruby Roselle, and what they wanted to elect that woman for I don't know +because her head is certainly not the part of her which earned her +theatrical reputation and a handsome back is no disgrace and if that +and a handful of costume is art far be it from me to say anything: but +it is neither refinement nor does it make a good executor for a live +organization like the Kittens. And what is more, any woman which had her +nose changed from Jewish to Greek right in the middle of a big feature +fillum can't run any society to suit me, not to mention the fact that as +I sat there watching her talk I come slowly to realize that she had +several jewels and a couple of friends which was found to be pro-Germans +and been interned, although nothing was ever proved onto Ruby herself. + +Still, coming on top of what I had been going through the last couple of +days, I took a sudden suspicion of her being lady-chairman to one of +America's oldest organizations of the female gender, it having been +formed 'way back in 1911. And what is furthermore, as I sat there hating +her with her synthetic Christian nose and her genuine Jewish diamonds, +the big idea come at last--a way to at once get something started before +she did, because how did I know but she'd have the orchestra play "die +Watch on Rinewine," and feed us on weenies and pumpernickle for supper +at the ball if something radical wasn't done at once? That is, I mean +radical in the right sense, of course. So when she says "Any other +remarks?" I jumped to my feet quick before she could say "the meeting is +injoined." + +"Yes, Miss Ruby Schwartz Roselle, there is," I said. "I will be obliged +to have the floor a minute." + +"You can have it for all of me, dearie," says Ruby, sweetly, as she +recognized her enemy. "Miss Marie La Tour has the floor." + +And then without hardly knowing what I was doing and forgetting even to +feel did my nose need powder before I commenced, I began talking with +something fluttering inside me like a bird's wing. You know--a feeling +like a try-out before a big-time manager. But behind the scare, the +strength of knowing you can deliver the goods. + +"Ladies and fellow or, I should say, sister-Kittens!" I commenced. +"There was a time when the well-known words 'Now is the time for all +good men to come to the aid of the party' so thrilled America that it +has become not alone printed in all copy books, but is the first +sentence which is learned by every typewriter. But since then times have +changed until, believe you me, now is the time for all good parties to +come to the aid of the nation in order to show all which are not +Americans first just where they get off, and ladies, we here assembled +are a party not to be scorned, what with a sustaining membership of over +five hundred, and more than a thousand one-dollar members. And what is +more, though admittedly mere females we have a vote in most places now, +including this state, and while I have no doubt you have always intended +to be good citizens, having the vote you are now obliged to be so." + +There was quite a little clapping at this, so I was encouraged to go on, +although Ruby's voice says "Out of Order!" twice. Well, I couldn't see +anybody that was behaving disorderly, so I just went ahead with my idea. + +"And so my idea is this," I says. "That all Americans, whether lady or +gentleman citizens, should get together in one big association for U. S. +A. Actually get together instead of leaving things be. An association +is, as I understand it, intended for purposes of association. And why +not simply associate each association with every other, canning all +small private schemes and party interests on the one grand common +interest of Bolsheviking the Bolsheviks? I'm sure that if all parties +concerned will forget they are Democrats or Republicans or Methodists or +Suffragists--even whether they are ladies or gentlemen, and remember +they are Americans, nothing can ever rough-house this country like +Europe has been in several places, for in Union is Strength, in God we +Trust, but He helps those who helps themselves, and if we'll only drop +our self-interests and make the union our first idea, God help the +foreigners which tries to help themselves to our dear country!" + +By this time the girls was giving me a hand the like of which I never +had before on stage or screen, because their hearts were in them. Do you +get me? You do! And it was quite a spell before Ruby could get order, +although she kept pounding with the silver cat's-paw of her office. +Finally, when she could make herself heard, she says very sarcastic, + +"And how does Miss La Tour suggest we commence?" she says. + +"By unanimously voting ourselfs 'The White Kittens Patriotic Association +of America,'" I says at once. "Call a extra meeting to change the +constitution temporarily from annual Balls and festivals for the +benefit of indignant members, to a association for associating with +other associations as before suggested. Use part of the money from the +ball just arranged for, to advertise our idea in newspapers and +billboards, and believe you me, by the time we ladies get that far, some +gentleman's association will be on the job to show us a practical way to +use ourselves!" + +Well, the Kittens seemed to think this all right, too, and in spite of +Ruby, the next meeting was called and we broke up in high excitement, +and I was surrounded by admiring friends all anxious to tell me they +felt the same as me, and so forth and etc. And finally, after I had been +treated to lunch by several of them, not including Ruby, I collapsed +into my limousine, and said home James, and set my face flat-ward with a +brave heart which knew no fear on account of having accomplished +something worth while. Even the sight of the obtrusively unobtrusive +bull still waiting like the wolf at the door, didn't dampen my spirit. + +And it was not until I got upstairs that I commenced realizing that my +own home would be the first place to set in order, and how could I be a +great American female leader with a Bolshevist mother and a German +cook, and how could I preach a thing with one hand and not practice it +with the other? Of course, I could fire the cook, but how about Ma? It +was she herself settled that part of it the moment I stepped into the +parlor, for there she was all alone except for the two dogs, and what +was more, all of a heap, beside. + +"Well, thank goodness, you decided to come home, Mary Gilligan!" she +says. "Something awful has happened!" + +"Not Jim?" I gasps, my heart nearly stopping, for he is always the first +thing I think of. + +"Jim, nothing!" says Ma. "It's poor Kiskoff!" + +"Oh, him!" I says, relieved. "What of it?" + +"They arrested him this morning!" says Ma, all broken up, the poor fish! +"Arrested him just before the meeting!" + +"Good!" I says. "I knew they would. The hound, he couldn't go around +forever talking Bolshevism!" + +"It wasn't for that," says Ma. + +"Then for what?" I says, blankly. + +"For back alimony!" says Ma, almost in tears. "It seems he married a +girl out in Kansas several years ago, and they parted when the circus +left, and it wasn't Russian he was talking, but Yiddish! He speaks +English as well as me." + +"And I suppose you'll tell me next that he wasn't talking Bolshevism," +says I. + +"He wasn't--he was only asking them to join the circus-workers' union +Local 21--" says Ma. "He explained it all to the cops!" + +"Ma!" I demanded solemnly, a light coming over me. "Ma, have you +honestly got any idea what this Bolshevism _is?_ Come on, own up!" + +"Certainly!" she says. "It's something like Spiritualism or +devil-worship, ain't it? A sort of fancy religion!" + +"Nothing so respectable!" I says very sharp, yet awful relieved that I +had guessed the truth. "No such thing. Bolshevism is Russian for +sore-head. Religion my eye! It's about as much a religion as small-pox +is!" + +Oh! the handicap of having no education! I certainly felt sorry for Ma. +But I needn't of because she give me one of them looks of hers which +always turns my dress to plaid calico and pulls my hair down my back +again. + +"Well, daughter, why didn't you say so in the first place?" she says, +just as if she'd caught _me_ in a lie. But I let it pass and +apologized, I was so glad to find she was a fake. And Ma promised to +leave them low circus people alone for a spell and come back to the +White Kittens again. I then announced I was going out and fire Anna. At +that a look of terror came over Ma's face, and she restrained me by the +sleeve. + +"Be careful how you go near that kitchen!" she says warningly. + +"For heaven's sakes, Ma!" I says. "What's wronger than usual out there?" + +"I dunno, but I think something is!" she says. "I believe it's a bomb!" + +"A bomb!" I says. "Whatter you mean?" + +"Anna is out to market," says Ma, "and the one with the black beard like +poor Kiskoff's brought it. 'For Anna,' says he, and shoved it at me, and +snook off down the stairs like a murderer." + +"Brought _what?"_ I says. + +"The bomb, of course!" says Ma, impatient herself. + +"How do you know it's one?" I says, a little uneasy and wishing I had +fired Anna before she got this swell chance of firing us. + +"Well, it looks just like the one in the picture where them three +Germans blew theirselves up in the newspaper!" says she. "And it ticks." + +"My Gawd!" I says. "Where is the thing?" + +"On the kitchen-table," says Ma. + +"Well," I says, bravely. "I think I aught to take a look at it anyways." + +"I wished you wouldn't," says she. But she came down the hall after me +like the loyal mother she is, and the two of us stopped at the +threshhold as the poet says. + +And there, sure enough, in the middle of the spotless oilcloth on the +kitchen table lay a mighty funny looking package, about the size of a +dish-pan and done up in that black oil-cloth them foreigners seem so +fond of. And between yells from that radical parrot, who commenced his +"I love Anarchy!" the moment he set eyes on us, we could hear that +evil-looking package tick as plain as day. + +Well, what with a mother and a father both practically born on the +centre trapese and used myself to taking chances since early childhood, +I don't believe I'm more of a coward than most. But I will admit my +heart commenced going too quick at that sight and the radical bird was +as usual loose in the place, and didn't make my nerves any easier. But +a stitch in time often saves a whole pair of silk ones, and remembering +this, I took some quick action. I turned up my georgette crepe sleeves, +and the front of my skirt so's not to splash it, and made straight for +the sink, keeping my eye on the centre-table all the while. + +"Look out!" screams Ma. "What are you going to do?" + +"Throw cold water on it!" I says. And filling the dish-pan I took a long +sling with it, and pretty near drowned the kitchen table, to say nothing +of the scare I threw into Frits. As soon as he quit, we listened again, +but my efforts had been in vain, for the thing was still ticking--slow, +loud ticks, and very alarming. + +"No good!" I says, sadly. "We'll have to take severer measures!" + +"Well, what'll they be?" says Ma. + +"There's a plain-clothes cop outside looking for trouble," says I +grimly, "and here is where I hand him a little," says I. + +And then, without waiting even to roll down the georgettes, I hurried to +the window and looked out. Like most cops, he couldn't be seen at first +when wanted, but finally he came into view and I tried to catch his +attention, but was unable to at first. But finally he heard me and +looked up, and I beckoned. + +"Bomb!" I says. "Hurry up!" + +And did he hurry? He did! I would not of believed a man his size could +do it, but he must of beat the elevator, for it never brought me up that +fast. When I let him in, his lack of surprise was the most alarming +thing which had yet been pulled. He evidently _expected_ a bomb to be +here. + +"By golly, we'll get them now!" he says triumphantly. "We been watching +this place for two months on account of having it straight that there is +a bunch of Bolshevist bomb makers in this building or the next one, and +this is the first time anything has stirred! Where is your bomb? Lead me +to it!" + + +IV + +WELL, I didn't lead him exactly. Since he was so set up about it, I let +him go ahead, but Ma and me followed close behind and told him the way +and everything. When he came to the kitchen door Frits let out a yell +"Anarchy! I love Anarchy!" and you aught to of seen the cop stagger in +his tracks for a minute. But he came to immediate, and we all stood at +attention while he give that bundle the once-over. It was ticking away +as strong as ever. + +"Hey! get me a pail of water, quick!" says the cop. I did it, and then, +I will certainly give him credit for it, he grabbed up the bundle and +plunged it in with both hands just as Anna come in at the door. + +Believe you me, I never saw anything so funny as what happened then. The +cop took his hands out the water and stood there dripping and staring at +her. + +"Hello, Anna!" he says. "What you doing here?" + +"Ay bane working!" says Anna. "How you bane, Mike?" + +"Pretty good!" he says. "But kind of busy with a bomb we got here. Stand +off while I take a look. It has quit ticking and I guess it's drownded!" + +He lifted the wet bundle out, and the minute Anna sees it she set up a +yell as good as one of her pet parrot's. + +"That bane mine!" she says, making a grab for it. But Mike held her +off. + +"Yours, eh?" he says, severely. _"Yours!_ Well, we'll just have a look +at it, my girl!" + +With which he undid the string, unfolded the oilcloth, and there was a +big new alarm-clock with the price still on it--2 beans--and a round, +heavy cheese! + +"Bane youst a present from may feller!" says Anna coyly. + +Well, did we feel cheap? We did. And in addition to that Mike, the smart +and brave young cop, was disappointed something terrible. + +"Who is this Anna?" I asked him soon's I got my breath. + +"Oh, a Swede girl--I know her a long time," he says foolishly. "Used to +entertain me in the basement when I was on the regular force. She's +_some_ cook! You're lucky to have her." + +And just then this ex-pro-German Bolshevist cook we was so lucky to have +starts to yell again! + +"Frits! Oy! Frits!" she says. "He bane gone! Make un yoump back!" + +And sure enough, there was Frits on the fire-escape of the flat next to +us. He had give one hop and a flutter and got across, where he sat, +silent for once in his life and giving us the evil-eye. + +"Yoump back," says the cook in passionate entriety. "Yoump back to your +Aniky that you love! All day you yell you love may an' now you leave +may!" + +And as she said them words still another weight was lifted from my +shoulders, although not from hers, for instead of jumping back, that +radical bird which it seemed was not a radical after all and acting like +the most conventional parrot in the world, commenced to climb up the +fire-escape of the other apartment house, like he was leaving us +forever. + +"Yoump!" implored Anna, but he just climbed, instead. + +"Here, wait, and I'll get him!" says Mike. "Glad to do it, Anna. I can +step across easy enough!" + +Anna held his coat, and he swung hisself over to the other side almost +as neat as a picture-actor, and commenced following that mean-hearted +bird up and up, story after story, until that animal led him in at a +open window about three flats above. We waited in silence and, believe +you me, I had about commenced to believe that bird and he was never +coming out again, when down comes Mike, the bird tucked into his vest, +his face simply purple with excitement. I never seen any acrobat work +swifter or quieter than he did. He landed on the kitchen floor and +closed the window behind him before he even give Anna her bird. + +"The telephone!--quick! The telephone--headquarters at once--I've got +that guy this time at last! And to think that a damn bird had to find +him for me!" + +And it was the truth. Frits, far from being an alien, was a good little +American parrot and had actually led the cop to the very place he had +been looking for all that while, and they arrested two guys and +everything! + +And after they got through the phone rang and there was Goldringer's +voice. + +"The aeroplane has come, Miss La Tour," he says. "When will you be +over?" + +"First thing in the morning!" I says, relieved to think of a quiet day +ahead. Ain't it grand to have work you love to do? It's so restful! + + + + +VI + + +THE GLAD HAND + + +I + +I SEE a piece in the paper where that ex-leading headliner of the old +German Big-Time Circuit, William Hohenzollern, him that used to appear +in the spiritualistic act known as "Me and God," claims he had no hand +in starting those fireworks in Europe which has recently ended in a +Fourth of July celebration. And although myself a good American and +looking with doubt upon any statement known to be German, I am sort of +inclined to believe him. At any rate, to believe that he was not the +whole cheese in the matter, but only a sort of limp limberger, or swiss, +and full of holes. Because it's my experience personally myself, that a +strong personality with a clean-cut idea can usually get a thing done if +they elect theirself boss and stick on the job until it is finished, but +if they call a committee meeting and discuss the action before them, +the whole idea is likely to get stalled. Why, look at Congress! Not that +I, being a mere lady of the female sect, know why or how they get +stalled, or on just what. But it's a cinch they do and are, and you can +prove it by any editorial page in the country. And it seems that Billy +the Bone-head, confessed to the reporter, which managed to get this +Sunday story printed, that a committee meeting of Yonkers or something +was called about the war, he, Bill the Badman, not having the bean to go +to it alone, and it was them ruined the war, or so he says. Which goes +to show that not alone in the theatrical and moving-picture worlds do +the heads of departments alibi their flivvers, but also in the +King-business, and it's a habit which may even yet ruin the former, as +it pretty near has the latter, unless they quit shirking and deliver +better goods. Because if the Head Has-Been had had any real thinker and +had thought up the war all by his little self and forced it on his +book-keeper, cashier and so forth, he might of got away with it like +Napoleon and Rockefeller and Eva Tanguay and a lot of them which has +thrust riches and success upon theirselves. + +But no committee can ever do that sort of thing. It takes a +single-handed personality, and I guess mabe the biggest bluff Germany +has had to confess to is her ex-leader. He seems the A-1 example of how +true it is that well-known tailors' ad, "Clothes make the man." Also it +inspires me to invent a quotation to hang beside the famous one of +Shakespeare's, I think it is "Do it now!" which you see so often, mine +being "Do it yourself!" Well, you will if you are the able one on a +committee. Everybody which has served on one knows that every committee +is composed of the one which does all the work and three to six others +which uses most of their vitality and imagination in thinking up excuses +and offering them. + +Well, anyways, the foregoing is why I simply eliminated the other +members of my Theatrical Ladies' Committee of Welcome to Our Returning +Heroes. And eliminating them was so simple, too. I just didn't call any +committee. And why would I, what with the knowledge I had gained through +former experiences? Believe you me, a lady which learns by experience +is a great little time-saver, although admittedly rare, but in my line +you don't fall out of a air-plane more than once, and any successful +picture actress and dancer like myself will tell you the same. So as to +committees, none for me, thanks just the same, as the man said to the +soda clerk the morning of July first, 1919 A. D., which is Latin for +Anti-Drinking. Not that I will ever again try to get into the +strong-character class with the aforementioned celebrities, for a +reputation for doing anything well is as good as a signed contract to do +it. And my advice to young girls is, don't let it be known you can do +anything well or you'll have to deliver constantly. Look as ignorant as +possible whenever anything is suggested except the thing you are burning +to get after, or your time will be taken up with a lot of useless +side-lines that get you nowheres. There is a person for every job if you +just let the job alone until the right person finds it. Did you ever +notice the way simps which can't do a thing always get it done for them? +You have! Well--from this on, here's where I look like a poor fish +whenever anybody outside of a motion-picture magnate or a theatrical +manager makes a noise like work to be done. + +All the amateur stuff can be taken care of by the sweet womanly women +who ain't got anybody to support except their dressmakers, and not by a +mere professional earning near a hundred thousand a year like I. My +final lesson on working with volunteer boards and committees is a +un-wept memory, and believe you me, that Chateau Terry battle had +nothing on some of the War Relief Committee board rooms I seen in +executive session and keep the home fires burning is right, we done it, +especially the White Kittens Belgian Relief, which it's a fact we nearly +split over whether we'd print our postcard appeals on pink or yellow +cards! + + +Well, anyways, I suppose these relief committees was a big help to them +that was on them if not to any one else, and after all a lot of money +somehow got left to do good with after expenses was paid. But the +biggest relief I know of come from relieving ourselfs of them relief +committees, and the last of all was the Welcome Home one. + +I wouldn't of gone on it in the first place only I was so low in my +mind. And who wouldn't be a little low even with my cheery disposition +after such a morning as I went through, first commencing with the loss +of Maude. + +Not that I had ever liked her nor 'Frisco, her husband, either, but +losing her was worse than living with her any day, and when Ma come in +and broke the news I wasn't in any mood for it, struggling as I was over +the joint contract which Goldringer had just sent on from Los Angeles as +a nice surprise and welcome for Jim which we were expecting to hear he +would be leaving France any day now. It called for seventy-five thousand +per each of us for six joint pictures, our expenses to the coast, and I +was holding out for a car while there and a special publicity man of our +own to be paid by them, but chosen by us, meaning Rosco, which has so +faithfully let the public know every time I sneezed these last five +years and has a way of disguising a two column ad so's the editor thinks +it's a news item. + +Well, anyways, I was reading through all that foreign language portion +of this contract and had waded past about a page of "to wit, viz.: party +of the first part" stuff, which sounds like it didn't mean anything, +but is where they sometimes slip one over on you, when in come Ma with a +big home-made cruller partly in her hand and partly in her face. She was +dreadfull agitated but had to get rid of the first part of the second +party before she could speak, and I put in a few seconds of watchful +waiting, wondering how could she do it, for Ma had put on at least +thirty lbs. the last few months and believe you me, she was no slif +before then, weighing some amount she would never tell just what and +anybody knows what that means with a woman. But up to just recent she +had gone through spells where she was making at least the faint motions +of dieting, or when not that, sighing and saying she hadn't really ought +to over every second helping but taking it. Do you get me? You do! + + +Since she had heard Jim was coming back, however, she had taken to +eating everything in sight regardless. It give me real pleasure to think +of any mother-in-law feeling that way about her daughter's husband and +dancing partner coming back, for with many mothers it is nothing of the +kind. So I made no remarks upon the cruller, and finally Ma give a gulp +and gasped out the bad news. + +"Maude is gone!" she says. + +"Gone?" says I. "Whatter you mean, gone?" + +"I can't find her no place!" says Ma. "And I looked everywheres!" + +This give me a most unpleasant feeling down my back, and I got to my +feet in a hurry. + +"Are you sure she ain't hid?" I says, "like the last time," I says. + +"Come and see for yourself!" says Ma, and I went, you can bet on that! +And sure enough, she wasn't in the box. Ma lifted the wire off the top +and lifted out the two old sofa cushions we had put in for comfort and +only Maude's husband, 'Frisco, was there. He was as usual lying in about +five coils like a boiler-heater, with his wicked-looking flat head on +the top, and he stuck out his oyster fork of a tongue, and give us a +little hiss, much as to say, why was we always disturbing him. But no +Maude. + +"Ma!" I began, catching a guilty look on her face. "Ma Gilligan, you +left that snake out again! After all the times I ast you not to!" + +"Well, it was just for a minute!" she says. "I was playing with her, and +then I thought maybe the crullers I had made was cool by then and I went +and got a few and when I come back she was gone!" + +"Well, she's got to be found, that's all!" I snapped. "All this comes +from you insisting on keeping in with them low circus people and +boarding their acts for them!" + +"But Madame Estelle had to stay with her husband when he fell offen the +trapeze and they so devoted!" says Ma. "And I didn't take the big +snakes--the substitute is using them--but only her own dear pets which +the landlady wouldn't leave her have in her room." + +"And now one of them is loose in _my_ room!" I says, "which is the +general result of charity which, as the poet says, had ought to begin at +home," I says. "And you know, Ma, how I feel about snakes. There's +nobody in the psycopathic ward got anything on me. If only they had even +a few feet instead of so many yards, I wouldn't mind them so much." + +"Well, now Mary, I'm real sorry," says Ma. "But not half so sorry as +Madame Estelle will be if anything happens to Maude! I'm real fond of +the little beauty myself, and if you had been with a circus all the +years I was, you would understand her better!" + +Well, believe you me, it wasn't a lack of understanding with me, it was +a religious conviction, and why not, for hadn't them beasts made trouble +beginning with the original eviction of undesirable tenants, and was I +to think it likely that our own janitor would be any more lenient if +Maude was to get, say, as far as the elevator? Keeping snakes never got +a tenant in right yet and loose ones might set the first of May forward +as many months as was necessary. Not to mention my own personal feelings +in the matter, which it's a fact I once broke a contract on the +Small-Time years ago because a snake-charmer come off just as I was +going on and I used to meet her and them in the wings every time. + +Well, anyways, I will say it for Ma, she certainly turned in and helped +me make a thorough search for Maude, which was going some for a lady of +her figure. Looking for a vanished snake in a apartment means +considerable gymnastics, because nothing can be overlooked with safety, +and I didn't want that parlor-eel slipping anything over on +me--especially her cold stomach in the middle of the night across my +face, for instance. + + +So I and Ma looked under all the furniture and in the pedalcase of the +pianola and in the vases and behind the steam radiators, back of the big +gold clock, inside the victrola, under the rugs, back of the pictures on +the wall and every place:--but no Maude. Finally we even took a look out +in the hall, although we knew nobody had opened the front door, and +after that we opened the wall safe where we keep our diamonds in a +stocking, this being a compromise between Ma's habits and my +common-sense. And then we had a peep into the ice-box where Ma found a +saucer of pudding which she had someways overlooked at supper but no +snake. + +And after we had felt under the bath-tub with my best lavender umbrella +which what with the limousine it was the first use I ever had for it, +and then taken a forlorn hope into the soiled-clothes hamper, we give it +up, and sat down with ruined georgette blouses and perfectly wild +looking hair and all heated up like a couple of wrestlers. Any one +coming in then would of thought we had been indulging in a family +discussion of some kind, and for a matter of that it's the truth. I said +a few raw remarks about the kind of a home she run for me and I working +as hard as cider to keep it and now she left snakes around, Gawd knows +where, and how would a artist like myself get the rest to do justice to +my work on the bomb-explosion scene in the last reel of "Bosh or +Bolshevik?" which I was going to be shot in only the next day, and if +she had to support me instead of I her, she would have a right to leave +any animals or minerals around she chose, but this was my flat and +although Gawd knew she was welcome, pretty soon we would have none if I +was to be made a nervous wreck out of instead of the biggest nerve in +pictures. Yes, I said that and a lot more pretty mean stuff as only a +daughter can--for even with my refinement I am but a mere human after +all, and under the glittering success of my career is several common +human failings and at times I act no different from any less well-known +female in the bosom of my family. + +So I had the last word and Ma was in wrong and went to get lunch without +a come-back out of her. Alas! Had I but canned that foolish chatter of +mine! But how could I know she was going to act like she done later +because of it? You can't remember forwards and if a person could, it's +ten to one they'd quit before they was off the bottle and go back to +Heaven whence they come, life being so full of mistakes you could of +avoided if only you had done something different from what you did! + + +II + +Well, anyways, Ma went back to the kitchen to fix up a little snack of +waffles and honey and poached eggs on hash and cream-cake and +strawberries with a cup of cocoa and whipped cream for a light lunch, +her lunches being light about the way a "light" motor truck is, and I +went back to my joint contract and was so mad I concluded to write into +it not alone expenses and Rosco but a cottage or bungaloo, as it is +called in Los Angeles, while out there. With which I wrote a refined but +firm letter to Goldringer, saying this was my final word on the matter +and spoke also for Jim. Then I enclosed the contract and Ma called out +the cocoa was getting cold and so I stamped and put it in the hall-slot +which I never have a feeling any letter going down it is headed for +anybody except maybe the devil, and not even him unless it don't get +stuck on the way. And then I ate, though not with much appetite, what +with expecting any moment to see Maude crawl out from some place, and Ma +being quiet to a extent not to be fully accounted for by three plates of +waffles. It wasn't natural in her, that quiet, but I remembered the +doughnuts and laid it to the sequence. Still I tried to get her to talk, +as talking, if about herself, generally cheers her quite a lot. + +"Anything ail you, Ma?" I says. + +"Nothing much," says Ma, lighting into the cream-cake. "Nothing to speak +of." + +"Tell me about it then!" I says. But Ma wouldn't. She heaved a big sigh +and handed me a substitute for what was really on her mind. It was +something just as good, I credit her for that. + +"You know the stuff you ordered from Schultz?" she says. + +"You mean the wet goods I ordered to keep Jim from parching to death +this summer?" I says, because although Jim is far from a real drinking +man, he having his profession of dancing always in mind even after +eleven P. M. and Gawd knows never fails to realize that sound +acrobatics is the basis of all good dancing which a drunkard never yet +was, or at least not for over two seasons; still, in spite of all this, +Jim is a mere male and a drink or two, especially if difficult to get, +is not by any means objectionable to him. And beside he had been two +years in France and I didn't want him to feel it had anything on America +when he come home, even if I had to go so far as to myself personally +replace what Congress had taken away. Do you get me? You do! And I had +done it as far as my bank account, cellarette and the liquor-dealer +permitted. Which looked like it was going to postpone the drought quite +sometime for us. And while here and there stuff like champagne and +brandy and vermouth had to be bought, like remnants on a bargain +counter--just kind of odds and ends of each--I had one satisfaction out +of the buy, and that was getting a case of Old Home Rye--absolutely the +last case in the city--probably the last in the whole entire U. S. A., +and it was Jim's one best bet. A high-ball of this--just one--with his +dinner was about his exact idea of drinking, and I had calculated that +the three gallons, taking it at his rate would last him pretty near a +year, and by that time some new vice would surely of been invented to +take its place. + + +Well, anyways, I had ordered it and paid for it, and there wasn't any +more of it anywheres, and it and the contract with Goldringer was two of +the best surprises I had for Jim. + +"Well," says Ma. "I can't say I approve of the demon Rum coming into +our--your house, but once money is paid out, I like to see the +goods--_all_ the goods, delivered," she says. + +"What's this leading up to?" I asked. + +"To the way that man Schultz cheats you!" says Ma. "He didn't send the +Old Home Rye!" + +Believe you me, never have I been handed a meaner deal than that, no, +not even the night Goldringer first heard of me and came to see my +try-out for the big time and my pink tights didn't come. + +"Ma!" says I. "Why don't you call him up and find out why didn't he?" + +"I've done that!" she says. "And he claims on his oath it was sent with +the rest. I spoke to the boy which brought it and then to Schultz +himself. They both claim they give it to Rudie." + +Rudie was the janitor but he had missed his profession. He had ought to +of been a sleight-of-hand man, for he could make things disappear in a +way which would of delighted a morning matinee audience, especially +those under twelve years of age. Believe you me, though, he was never +known to make anything grow where nothing had been before--not rabbits +or even silk handkerchiefs, but it's the truth that he had onct or twice +caused a vanished quart of cream to reappear if given a sufficiently +hard call quick enough after it was missed. And the minute I heard he +was cast for a part in my tragedy, I decided to hear him read his lines +right off without no delay, because it was practically impossible that +he could of got away with more than a quart yet and I was prepared to go +through the business of believing him when he come to the description of +how he had dropped it by accident and too bad but it broke. + +Which was all right in theory, but Rudie did nothing of the kind. +Evidently so long as he was lying he had made up his mind it was as +well to be killed for a case as a quart, as the poet says, and when I +sent for him and he had kept me waiting while he sifted the ashes and +pounded on the steam pipes and talked to the garbage man and got a light +from the cop and chatted with the elevator-girl and a few little odds +and ends like that just to show me where I got off, he finally decided +to come up. Well, it was seven months to Xmas, so what could I expect? +Anyways, he finally made his entrance, down R. C. to footlights, in my +Louis-size drawing-room, leaving tracks behind him which Ma spotted with +a angry eye as fast as he laid them, and with all the well-known +courtesy of the proletariat he looked me in the eye. + +"Well?" he says. + +"Say, Trotsky!" I says, for I had never liked this bird, as he was on +one continued drunk. "Look here, Lenine," I says, glad of the chance to +insult him. "A case of fine whisky at sixty dollars net seems to of been +avoidably detained in your dug-out. I expect that with a little +searching you can stumble on it. And as for that bottle you broke by +accident, don't bother to mention it," I says, "because I am gladly +doing so for you," I says. "Only kindly find the rest and we will also +forget about this morning's cream." + +Probably I hadn't ought to of been so generous, for Rudie sort of swayed +a little and give me a pleasant childlike smile out of his unshaved +doormat of a face. + +"Dunno wash you mean!" he says, real pleasant. + +"Jim is right about the kick in that stuff," I says, eyeing him +critically. "You certainly have a swell bun!" + +"Why, Mish La Tour!" says Rudie. "Don't drink a dropsh! Never toush it." + +And with that he give a sigh of disappointment in me which made the +place smell like a bar-room! + +"But of coush I'll shee if itsh down stairsh!" he says. + +Well, there was no use in arguing with him, I could see that all right, +all right, but I left him know I wasn't swallowing any such a poor alibi +as his own word. + +"All right, you second-hand shock absorber!" I says. "Maybe I can't jolt +the truth out of you, but I will hand you one small piece of information +before you take your reluctant departure. You'll find that whiskey or +the cops will. And if they don't get me a judgment against you, one +will come from heaven, that's a cinch, for you not only got the stuff, +but you took it off a returning soldier which is a bigger crime than +mere patriotic stealing would be," I says. "You wait and see what'll +happen to you if you don't come across! We got a long score to settle, +we have, and right always wins out in the end, and that's my middle +name!" + +Well, he went away very proud and hurt to think I would suspect him of +such a crime, he being that kind of a drunk. Do you get me? Of course! +Gosh! How I do hate to see a person in liquor; really, I think +prohibition will be a good thing for all of us, and was myself only +storing up a little, for exceptional reasons. And when a person begins +talking about federal prohibition and their constitutional rights I +can't help but wonder why they don't consider it in the physical as well +as the political sense. + +Well, anyways, it was a blow to lose that Old Home, and awful irritating +on top of Maude. And then, while pulling myself into one of these new +accident-policy-destroying narrow skirts which belongs with what is +through courtesy called my new walking suit, the hall-girl brought the +mail and Musette give it to me in the midst of my negligee and struggles +and I stopped dead when I seen the first letter, for it was marked +"Soldier's Mail" and only one which has some one expected home and at +the same time welcome, can know how that particular mark thrills. +Musette observed me register joy so she registers it too, and I tore +open the envelope forgetting the skirt which had a death-grip on my +knees, and opened up the page in Jim's dear handwriting. + + +Did you ever come to a time in your life where you had one trouble on +top of another until it seemed like nothing more could possibly happen +except maybe the end of the world, and then something still worse was +pulled on you? You have! Well, this letter was pretty near the end of +the world to me--at least a distinct postponement of anything which +could with any truth be called living. For Jim wasn't coming back with +the 70th after all! As I read his words in that dear boyish handwriting +of his which he never had time to learn to write better, being like +myself quicker with his feet than hands, my eyes filled with tears and +I stumbled to the day-bed as good as I could with the skirt, and sat +down. It seemed he had been put in charge of some special work in Paris +and it might be six months before he'd get sent home! Six months! And me +getting all ready for a second honeymoon inside of six weeks! And +instead of being out in the wholesome country with me at Saratoga or +Long Beach or Niagara Falls or some place, he would be in Paris! That +was what I had to face and any woman will readily understand my +feelings. + +Believe you me, I didn't care for Maude or the Old Home or the contract +or anything for over three-quarters of a hour. And I had to wash my face +and powder my nose three times after I was finally dressed on account of +breaking down again when just completed. + +Whenever a person has a real sorrow come to them the best way to do is +control it quick before it controls you. So after I had indulged in the +womanly weep which certainly was coming to me, I braced up and got into +the new suit with the idea of taking as brisk a walk as it would allow +of. Then I put on a new hat which I had intended for my second +honeymoon but which would never see it or him, as it would undoubtedly +be out of style by the time Europe had made up its mind one way or +another, and I was just going to leave when the bell rung and Ma come in +to say it was a caller. + +"It's that Mr. Mulvaney from the Welcome Home Committee, the one that +had you on the 'phone yesterday," says Ma. And after a minute I kind of +caught control of myself and says well, all right, I would see him and +went in. + +Well, it sure is strange the birds they pick out for these deeds of +synthetic patriotism. This one come from the neighborhood of Fourteenth +Street and must of got his appointment of chief welcomer from the way he +give the glad hand. You would of thought he was cranking a flivver that +wouldn't crank the way he kept on shaking after any real need was past. +And if he was to of greeted each of the boys the way he done me, the +army wouldn't be demobilized in our generation! Also he had a suit on +him which spoke for itself and a watch-chain which must of posed for +them in the cartoons of Capital--do you get me? Sure! I and he had had a +long talk on the telephone as per above, and so as soon as he left go +his cinch on my hand, he got right down to business. + +"Now, Miss La Tour--er--it--er--gives me great pleasure to think you +will take charge of the Theatrical Women's Division," he says. "Er--I am +a great admirer of yours--that picture you done, 'Cleopatria,' +now--great stuff!" + +Well, I let that pass, because how would such a self important bird as +this know my art when he sees it, and if he enjoyed Theda, why not leave +him be? I changed the subject at once for fear he would be confusing me +with Caruso next. + +"And so I'm to spend ten thousand of the hundred thousand iron-men +raised by the Welcome Committee?" I says hastily. "How nice. What will +it go for?" + +"That is for you and your committee to decide," he says. "I'm sure you +will think up something tasty," he says. "And go to the limit--we need +ideas." + +Well, anybody could see that. But I only says all right. + +"I suppose you are familiar with committees?" says this human +editorial-page-sketch. + +"I'm never too familiar with anybody," I says stiffly. "But I have been +acquainted with more than one committee." + +"Well, here are the papers I promised you--the general scheme and so +forth. The central committee will meet as is indicated here. See you at +them. Pleased to of seen you off the screen! You certainly was fine in +'Shoulder Arms'!" + +And before I could get my breath he had looked at a handsome watch no +bigger than a orange, humped into his coat and was off in a shower of +language that left me no come-back. + +Believe you me, I was glad when he had squoze out through our typical +apartment hall and the gilt elevator had snapped him up. For to hand me +ten thousand to spend on welcoming a bunch of other women's husbands +was, to soft pedal it, rubbing it in. I was only about as upset as that +spilled milk that was cried over and no wonder at 18 cents a qt. Well, +anyways, it was no light thing to face, going on with this work and +Jim's letter scarcely dry from my tears. But having promised over the +telephone and being given no chance to refuse in the parlour, I would +keep my word if not my heart from breaking. + +Because, anyways, if I was simply to do nothing to occupy myself except +maybe a few thousand feet of fillum and rehearsing my special dance act +for the Palatial and my morning exercises and walking my five miles a +day and all that quiet home stuff which gives a person too much time to +think, what would I think, except a lot of unprintable stuff about any +administration which was keeping him in a town like Paris, France? And +the only comfort I could see in sight was to work hard to give the boys +that _was_ coming a real welcome and remember that Jim never was a +skirt-hound--that I ever saw. + + +III + +Having reached this resolve I decided to go on the walk I had mapped out +anyways, because what is home with a disappeared snake in it? And so I +started, and as I come past the door in the lower hall, which its marked +"Superintendent," which is Riverside-Drivese for Janitor, what would I +hear but Rudie singing to himself out of the fullness of his heart or +something. + +I went out in wrath and the spring sun and after a while I begun to +feel less sore and miserable in my heart, partially because of the fresh +air and partially through irritation at the stylish trouser-leg that +both of mine was in. But the day was too sweet for a person to stay mad +long. Ain't it remarkable the way spring can creep into even a city and +somehow make it enchanted and your heart kind of perk up and take +notice--do you get me? You do, or Gawd pity you! It's the light, I +guess, just the same as the audience holds hands when they turn on the +ambers with a circular drop for a sunset or something. + +And by the time I had walked along the Avenue and seen all the +decorations which was already put up for the first regiments home, I +commenced getting real fired and excited with my new job. It looked like +the powdered-sugar industry was going to suffer because about all the +plaster in the country seemed to be being used on arches which looked +like dago-wedding cakes and you actually missed the dolls dressed like +brides and grooms off the top of them. And here and there was some funny +looking columns of the same white stuff and on the Public Library steps +a bunch of spears and shields was thrown all over the place just as if +a big Shakespearian production had suddenly give it up in despair and +left their props and hoofed it back to Broadway. It certainly was +imposing. + +Up at 59th Street was a arch that looked like Coney Island frozen solid. +It was all of little pieces of glass:--heavy glass and millions of +pieces. I don't know what good they did, but they shone something grand, +and must of cost a terrible lot of money. I guessed the boys would +certainly feel proud to march under it provided none of it fell on their +heads. + +Believe you me, by the time I got home my head was full of imaginary +architecture like Luna Park and Atlantic City jumbled together with a +set I seen in "The Fall of Rome" when we was shooting it at Yonkers. And +after I had squirmed out of my walking suit and was a free woman once +more, in a negligee, which is French for kimona which is Japanese for +wrapper, well, anyways, I lay in it and opened up the evening paper +because I am not one to let the news get ahead on me and have acquired +the habit of reading it regular the same as my daily bath. + +But it was hard to keep my attention on it because Maude was still +missing and also I kept thinking, when not of her, of the lovely arches +and so forth my ten thousand would build. I had about settled on +pink-stucco, with real American beauties strung on it and a pair of +white kittens in plaster--symbol of the best known Theatrical Ladies +Association in Broadway, and I expect the world--at the top, when I +opened the paper again and I see something which set my mind thinking. + +"70th will add thousands to ranks of unemployed." + +Yes, that's just what it said. And I went on and read the piece where it +said how enough men to start a real live city was being fed at +soup-kitchens and bread lines, not in Russia or Berlin, but right in N. +Y. C., N. Y., U. S. A.! Somehow, coming right on top of all their arches +and so forth, it sort of struck me in the pit of my stomach and give me +the same sinking sensation like a second helping of griddle-cakes a hour +later--you know! The thought of all that money going on arches that +after they was once marched under was no good to anybody but the ones +which built them and the ones which carted them away, had me worried. +Think of all the soup that glass and plaster would of made! Do you get +me? You do or you're a simp! And it also besides struck me that while +the incoming boys would undoubtedly enjoy them city frostings, them +which had already marched under them and was now in the bread-line must +be kind of fed up with it. Then I thought of the ten thousand intrusted +to me to spend which had been gladly given in small sections by willing +citizens who wanted to do some little thing to show appreciation to the +boys which had went over there, and I begun to realize I had been told I +could spend it anyways I wanted to. + +And when I thought of that pink arch and roses I blushed, although +nobody had, fortunately, heard me mention it, except the two fool dogs, +aloud. + +Believe you me, I then see like a bolt from the blue, as the poet says, +that arches was all right in their way but they was in the traffic's way +at best and made mighty poor eating. And so naturally with Ma having it +continually before me, I thought of ten thousand dollars worth of eats, +because while there is quite a lot of red X canteens for men in uniform, +how about the poor birds which had just got out of a uniform and not yet +got into a job? Besides there is something kind of un-permanent about +food unless a salary to get more with follows it as a chaser. + +And so I lay there in comfort all but for the thought of Maude, and +figured and figured what would I do. It seemed it was a cinch to get +money from people to give the boys a welcome but what to spend it on was +certainly a stiff one. But after a while I commenced to get a idea. +Which it's a fact I am seldom long without one when needed which +together with my great natural talent is what has made me the big +success I am. + + +Work! That was the welcome the boys needed. Work and a little something +substantial to start on. So this is what I figured. Suppose we was to +divide up that ten thousand, how many boys would it take care of, and +how? + +Say we had ten men. A thousand each. Too much, of course. Twenty men. +Five hundred per ea. Still too much. Well, then forty men. Two fifty. +Well, they could use it of course, but it was not a constructive idea. +It was too much for a present and not enough to invest. So how about 80. +Well, that was $125. per man. This was doing something pretty good by +eighty men that would very likely need it, but it seemed sort of unfair +not to take in more of the boys. So I split it again and had one hundred +and sixty boys with $62.50 in their pockets. + +Well, I felt kind of good over this idea and there was only two real +troubles with it which is to say that $31.25 for three hundred and +twenty boys looked nicer if there was only some way to handle it right. +But how? + +I put in another hard think and then I got it. The way to make that +$31.25 a real present was to make it a payment on something and then +with the other hand pass out a job at the same time, which would not +alone keep the soldier but allow him to cover the difference. + +And to get away with this all I needed now was a popular investment and +320 perfectly good steady jobs. + +Well, with the Victory Loan the first part was easy enough, and I +concluded to pay twenty-five dollars on each of three hundred and twenty +one hundred dollar victory notes, making myself responsible for the lot +the same as if I was a bank and getting a job for each note and having +the giver of the job hold the note on the soldier and pay me the +instalments and I would pay myself back, or if not nobody would be stung +outside of me, supposing any one of them failed to come across. I was +going to take a big lot for myself and another ten didn't much matter. + +And then with the remaining $6.25 each, well, I would pool that for +leaflets enough to go around the whole division and on the leaflet I +would have printed the facts and a list of the jobs and just what they +was, with how much kale per week went with them, and see that the boys +got them while the parade was forming and then it would be up to them, +because the home folks can only do so much and then it's up to the army +their own selves just as with munitions and sugar and red X work while +the big show was on. They did the work but we gave them the job--we and +the Germans. And now all we could do again was to give them a job--and +it's enough, judging from how they went after the first one. + +And then, just as I come smack up against the awful fact of where would +I get them jobs Ma come in and says the hot-dogs and liberty-cabbage +which it's the truth we always translate them into American at our +table, was getting cold and as long as I was paying for them I'd better +eat them while they was fit. So I says all right and we went in and did +so. + +Believe you me, it certainly is a remarkable thing the way you start on +a afternoon's work like I done, all full of vigor and strength and how +your ideas and courage and everything will sort of leak away toward the +time to put on the feed-bag at Evensong. And how again the ideas and pep +comes back in the evening once you have eaten. There was almost perfect +silence the first few minutes we sat down or would of been except for Ma +taking her tea out of the saucer, which I can't learn her not to do and +the only way I keep her from disgracing me at the Ritz and etc., is to +make sure she don't order it. But when the first pangs was attended to I +commenced to feel more conversational. + + +"Work," I says, thinking of what I had been thinking of. "Work is the +one thing that stands by a person. Everything else in life can go bluey +and their work will see them through. That's why it's been so popular +all these years, and where these Bolsheviks make their big mistake. +Because they don't work and not working they get bored to death and so +they commence rioting. Do you remember that quotation from that +well-known cowboy poet, Omaha Kiyim, "Satan will find business still for +idle hands to do?" How good that applies to strikes--idle hands--ain't +that perfect? And it written so long ago!" + +"How long?" says Ma. + +"Oh, I dunno. Maybe three hundred years," I says. + +Ma laid down her knife and spoon, she being quite entirely through, and +looked me in the eye. + +"I will remember them words, daughter," she says very solemn. + +And it's the truth I never noticed how serious she was about it until I +come to look back on it nearly three weeks later. + + +IV + +And during that time which has been so immortally fixed in writing by +the grandest book with the same name, I was as busy as the great +American cootie is supposed to be on his native hearth--only it ain't +that piece of furniture but another, of course. Do you get me? I'm +afraid so! Well, I was as busy as what you think. To begin with I called +a committee-meeting in the privacy of my grey French enamel boudoir +where I wear my boudoir cap and have the day-bed hitched and this +committee meeting consisted entirely of myself and the two fool dogs. +And after I had gone through all the motions, I appointed myself a +sub-committee of one to carry out the meeting's resolutions and do all +the work. + +This is about what would of happened if I had done it the regular way +and asked Ruby Roselle and Maison Rosabelle and the other girls. We +would of had a mahogany table and a gavel and a pitcher of ice-water and +a lot of hot-air and a wasted morning and in the end I would of been the +goat anyways, so I thought why not do it single-handed in the first +place and be done? I could print all their names on the leaflets and +they would be perfectly satisfied. + +So having got over the necessary formalities as you might say, I +accepted the nomination and got to work. Fortunately I wasn't doing +anything except a solo dance at the Palatial at supper-time and one +picture. And so I had most of my days to myself. The Fixings on the +Avenue grew and blossomed and so did my contribution to the Welcome Home +Committee. I didn't get to go to any of their meetings but I don't +imagine they even missed me at the time. And while the arches and other +motion-picture scenery was being as completed as they ever would be, so +was my list. My monument took up less space, but when you gave it the +once-over it seemed maybe a little more rain-proof than the others. +Apparently all there was to it was slips of paper six by eight with this +printed on them. At the top it says: + + "WELCOME HOME" + + "HOWDY BOYS, AND OUR HEARTFELT THANKS! + + DO YOU NEED A JOB? HERE ARE THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY AND A VICTORY NOTE + + GOES WITH EVERY ONE!" + +Then come the list. I will put down a part of it so you can realize what +a assortment of things has to be done to keep the seive in civilization. + + 4 handsome juveniles for motion-picture work--stage experience + unnecessary. + + 2 experienced camera men. + + 2 marcel-wavers. + + 6 chemists, Marie La Tour Complexion Powder Co. + + 2 salesmen, Marie La Tour Turkish Cigarette Co. + + 16 waiters, Palatial Hotel. + + 1 traveling man, Marie La Tour Silk Underwear Co. + + 2 experienced lineotypers, Motion Picture Gazette. + + 2 experienced pressmen, Motion Picture Gazette. + + 1 publicity man, experienced, Motion Picture Gazette. + + 3 fillum cutters. + + 1 stylish floorman. Must be handsome and refined, not over 30. + Apply Maison Rosabelle, Hats and Gowns. + + 1 orchestra complete, with leader. Apply "Chez La Tour" (my old + joint of parlour-dancing days). + + 30 chorus men. + + 2 sparring partners for Madame Griselda, the famous lady-boxer. + +And etc, add affinities, as the Romans used to say. And every one a real +genuine job paying good money. And getting them nailed was no cinch, +believe you me, except, of course, I being such a prominent person I +didn't have as much trouble as some would of. Especially where a firm +was using my name on something, they could hardly refuse me. I seen +everybody personally myself, and only the bosses and in the end nobody +had turned me down except the one from which I had bought my new +bear-cat roadster for Jim's welcome home present and it was _some_ +roadster, being neatly finished in pale lavender with yellow +running-gear and a narrow red trim and tapestry upholstery on the seats +which was so low and easy you involuntarily started to pull up the +blankets after you got settled. You know, the kind of a car you have to +look up from to see which way the cop is waving. + +Well, anyways, you would of thought the bird which had sold it to me for +cash money, him being the manager of the luxurious car-corrall himself, +would offer to take on some of the boys. But no, he says there was too +many auto salesmen in the world already, and that they had ought to be +diverted into selling some of the new temperance drinks where their +trained imagination would undoubtedly be of great value. + +Well, anyways, he was the only one turned me down and I had the slips +printed and stored away in a couple of cretone hat-boxes and commenced +allotting the victory-note pledges. And then I tripped over the fact +that I was a job short. There was the stuff all printed, and a job too +short and it the night before the big parade! Well, I decided that when +the time come I would make the extra job if I couldn't find it, and +believe you me, I was as wore out looking for them as a Ham with his +hair cut like a Greenwich village masterpiece. Not that I ever saw one +and I have often wondered where the artists which drew them that way, +did. + +But in the meantime I had got hold of the Dahlia sisters, and Madame +Broun and La Estelle, and Queenie King and a lot of other easy-lookers +and had it all fixed for them to be on hand below Fourteenth Street at +ten o'clock to give out the slips while the boys was mobilizing or +whatever they call it. And then just as I was getting into the limousine +with Musette and the two cretone hat boxes full and the two fool dogs +and Ma, who would come up to me but Ruby Roselle with a new spring set +of sables which it is remarkable how she does it in burlesque, still far +be it from me to say a word about any person, having been in the +theatrical world too long not to realize that it is seldom as red as it +is painted and that the coating of black is only on the outside. + +Well, anyways, up she comes from her new flat which is only two doors +from mine and a awful mean look in those green eyes of hers under a +sixty dollar hat that looked it, while mine cost seventy-five and looked +fifteen, which is far more refined only Ruby would never believe that: +which is one main difference between her and I. And she stopped me with +one of those deadly sweet womanly smiles and says in a voice all milk +and honey and barbed wire, she says: + +"How's this, dearie, about the Theatrical Ladies Committee," she says. +"I only just heard of it from Dottie Dahlia," she says. "What was it +made you leave me off?" + +Well, seeing that the armistice was not yet broken I felt I might let +her distribute a few leaflets, although I had left her name off the +signatures at the bottom on account of her never having proved she +wasn't a alien enemy to anything besides dramatic art, which hadn't to +be proved. So I handed her a string of talk about this being a small +affair and how I had thought she would of been too busy to do anything +just now, which made her mad because there is some talk on account of +that she wasn't working just then. But she took a few leaflets and read +the signature at the bottom. "Theatrical Ladies' Welcome Committee" and +got real red in the face. + +"Why, my friend Mr. Mulvaney spoke to me about this!" she says. "I was +to of been treasurer, or something! Do you mean to say you spent ten +thousand dollars on _them!"_ and she pointed to the leaflets like a +one-act small-time. + +"Yep!" I says. "Take 'em home and try 'em on your piano!" I says. "But +you will have please to pardon me now. I got to beat it!" + +And with that I climbed in with the rest of the family and we was rushed +down town to N. Y.'s Bohemian Quarter, where the 70th Division was about +to hang around waiting to parade. Which it is certainly remarkable the +places the highly moral U. S. A. Government picks out for her soldiers +to wait about in say from Paris to Washington Square, and I think their +wives and sweethearts have stood for a good deal of this sort of thing, +to say nothing of wives and sisters being kept from going abroad. I +don't know have any homes been broken up this way, but I will say that +Marsailles and Harlem would of listened better to the patiently waiting +homebodies. + +Well, anyways, down we went to the amateur white lights, and by the time +we reached Twenty-Third we begun to run into bunches of the boys. Bands +was playing and all, and--oh my Gawd, what's the use trying to tell +about it? There was plenty to tell, but ain't every one _seen_ it? If +not at N. Y. C., why in some town which may be more jay but with its +heart in the right place, and the heart is the thing which counted this +time as per usual. Believe you me, mine was in my throat and so was +everybody elses when they seen them lean brown boys with their grown-up +faces! + +Well, we stopped down to Eleventh and Sixth and got out and commenced +walking around handing out the leaflets, and at first they weren't +taking 'em very seriously, but pretty soon they began to get on to who I +was and of course that caught them and a good many tucked the slips +inside their tin hats and all of them pretty near had seen me in "The +Kaiser's Killing" and I got pretty near as big a ovation as I had tried +to offer them. And as for the parade they was very good-natured, but it +seemed to me that as usual the stay-at-homes in the grandstands was +getting the best of it and the boys doing all the work, for parading, no +more than a first-class dancing act, ain't quite the pleasure to the +ones that does it, that it is to them that only stands and waits, as the +saying is. + + +V + +The crowds on the Avenue was something fierce, and the only ones which +had the right of way, outside of officers and cops, was the +motion-picture men. I seen Ted Bearson, my own camera man from the +Goldringer Studios, and Rosco, my publicity man, and they was talking +together. I stepped back in among the boys, because I wasn't looking for +any personal publicity myself on this particular day, wishing to leave +all that to the division and I knew that if Ted was to see me he would +shoot me. + +But ain't it the truth that the modester a public person like me is, the +more attention they attract? My sweet, quiet voice, silent though snappy +clothes, and retiring manner have been in Sunday spreads and +motion-picture magazine articles practically all over the world and +America, and my refinement is my best-known characteristic. Publicity is +like men. Leave 'em alone and they simply chase you. Pretend you don't +want them, and you can't lose them. And the more reluctant I am about +being noticed, the wilder the papers get! Only, of course, without a +good publicity man this wouldn't, perhaps, be a perfectly safe bet. + +So this day, having got rid of all my leaflets, I was slowly working my +way toward the Avenue, when publicity was thrust upon me. + +You know this Bohemian part of New York is made up of old houses which +is so picturesque through not having much plumbing and so forth and heat +being furnished principally by the talk of the tenants on Bolshevism and +etc. These inconveniences makes a atmosphere of freedom and all that and +furnishes a district where the shoe-clerk can go and be his true self +among the many wild, free spirits from Chicago and all points west. +Well, this neighborhood could stand a lot of repairs, not alone in the +personal sense, but in a good many of the buildings, but these are +seldom made until interfered with by the police or building departments. +And on the corner of the street which I was now at there was a big old +house full of people who _did_ something, I suppose, and these were +mostly bursting out through the open windows or sitting on the little +balconies which looked like they couldn't hold a flower pot and a pint +of milk with any safety much less a human. But there they was, sitting, +with all the indifference to fate, for which they are so well known. I +couldn't but notice the risk they ran, but I should worry how many +radicals are killed, and so I paid but little heed until I noticed that +there was three little kids--all ragged children of the dear +proletariat--which some of the Bohemians had hauled up on a balcony +which was too frail for adults. The minute I see that balcony I was +scared to death, although the short-haired girl and the long-haired man +which was letting the kids out on it was laughing and care-free as you +please. The kids got out all right, and then something awful happened. + +Right below was a open space at the head of this particular column, +where the officers and color-bearers and etc was. Rosco and Ted was +getting a picture of them. But while I generally watch a camera, this +time I didn't on account of watching the kids. And as I looked that +rotten old balcony broke and one them, a little girl, fell through and +hung there, caught by her skirt, and it a ragged one at that. Everybody +screamed and yelled and sort of drew back, which is the first way people +act at a horror before they begin to think. I yelled myself, but I +started toward her, because the radicals couldn't reach her from above +and from below the ground was fully twenty feet away and nothing but a +fence with spikes and a dummy window-ledge way to one side. But I had a +idea I might make it for what with two generations on the center trapeze +and never a drop of liquor and not to mention what I done in pictures, I +think quicker than some and act the same. But my new skirt prevented, +and ahead of me dashed a soldier. + +In a minute he had scaled the wall and worked his way along the spikes +to that ledge, and then while the crowd watched breathlessly he had +that kid under one arm and was back on the wall again. He held her +close, turned around, crouched down and then jumped. And as he jumped I +screamed and run forward, for Oh My Gawd, it was Jim! + + +I don't know how I got there, but when I come to I and that scared kid +was all mixed up in his arms and the three of us crying to beat the band +which had struck up and the crowd yelling like mad. And it was a peach +of a stunt, believe you me. + +"Didn't you get my cable?" Jim says. And I says no, and we clinched +again. And then we heard a funny, purring sound right behind and broke +loose and turned around and there was that devil of a Ted taking a +close-up! + +"Hold it! Damn you, hold it another ten feet!" yells Rosco, who was +dancing around like a regulation director, just back of Ted. "Fine, +Fine! Oh, boy, what a pair of smiles! Say, folks, we shot the whole +scene--_some_ News Weekly Feature. Oh say, can you see me, Rosco, _the_ +publicity man!" + +Honest to Gawd you would of thought he had gone crazy! And that +bone-headed crowd couldn't make out was the whole thing staged or real. +Believe you me, I had to pinch myself to know was it real or not, but +thank Gawd it was, it was! And after nearly two years! Do you know how +that feels? Give a guess! And then, just as I thought now this cruel war +and everything is over, why that roughneck of a officer give the order +to fall in and of course Jim had to and left me there with that kid in +my arms for Ted to make a couple of stills for the papers. + +Believe you me, I couldn't tell how many he took, or when, because +seeing Jim so sudden and unexpected had pretty near killed me, and I +couldn't say anything much about the parade either, because something +kept me from seeing it and I guess it was my own glad tears. Anyways, I +had three wet handkerchiefs in my bag when I got home and one of them a +perfect stranger's. + +Well, of course, I expected the parade would break up when it struck +Harlem and the boys would hurry right home. And did they? They _did_ +not! I hurried right home, all right, all right, but not so Jim. And for +a long while I was sitting there in one of my trousseau dresses and a +fearful state of mind over what had he done to get killed since I last +seen him. But hours went by and still he didn't come. And I didn't know +his 'phone or where he was or anything. The only clue I had that the +whole business was a fact and no dream was the cable, which had come +after he did, saying he would be home as arranged after all. + +Believe you me, I hope never to live through another twenty-four hours +like them that followed, because I couldn't eat or sleep, not knowing +where he was. + + + +Next morning I wouldn't even look at the papers which was Sunday and +full of our and the division's pictures. And Monday was worse, because +even although Jim might be alive none of the hospitals nor yet the +morgue had him, and so I commenced to think he had gone back on me. A +telegram come from the coast saying "Great Sunday story bring Rosco +contract follows," but what did I care for that stuff without Jim? Ma +was very silent all this time, and kept in her room a lot, with the door +shut. And then late Monday afternoon the door-bell rung, and my heart +leaped to my feet like it had done at every tinkle for 48 hours, and I +went myself, but it was only Ruby Roselle and Mr. Mulvaney of the +Welcome Home Committee with her! The men that girl knows! Well, she +sees them in another light than I and it's a good thing all tastes don't +run the same. But this was such a surprise I asked them in before I +thought and pretty near forgot my own troubles for a minute. + +Ruby cuddled down into her kolinsky wrap and give me the fish-eye, as +she addressed me in her own sweet way as a woman to her best enemy. + +"Dearie," she says, tucking in a imaginary curl. "Dear, Johnnie here was +over to my flat and we got speaking of you by accident, and he's anxious +to know where's the money he gave you, and why no decorations as was +intended?" + +"Yes, Miss La Tour," says the old bird, which it was plain she had made +a even more perfect fool of him than he had been before. "Yes, Miss La +Tour, it's a serious thing," he says. "I understand you didn't really +call even one meeting and as for decorations--!! Well, what can you tell +us?" + +Well, I told him how I come to think of what I thought of, and the jobs +which I had 319 of and the notes and all, and while I talked I could +see plain enough that I was getting in worse every minute, because they +had come determined to find me guilty, and no matter what I said, it +would of listened queer with them two pairs of glassy eyes on me. + +"I had a hunch," I wound up, "that maybe something a little substantial +would be welcome," I says, "because after all a person can't live on +plaster arches and paper flowers, and three hundred and nineteen jobs +ought to take care of a considerable percent of the ones that need it," +I says. "And so while your arches are all right," I says, "you must +admit they are principally for show." + +When I got through Mr. Mulvaney cleared his throat and didn't seem to +know just how to go on; but Ruby give him an eye, and so he cleared his +throat again and changed back to her side. + +"This is all _most_ irregular," he says very dignified. "Most irregular. +You will certainly have to appear before the general committee and give +them an accounting. What you have done amounts to a misuse of +public-funds!" + +My Gawd, I nearly fainted at that! But before I could say a word a +voice spoke up from the doorway. + +"Like hell it does!" says Jim, which that dear kid had left himself in +with his key and listened to the whole business. "Like hell it's a +misuse!" he says, coming into the room and putting his arm around me. +"You just let the public and the soldiers take their choice! Give all +the facts to all the newspapers and we will furnish the photographs +free! Go to it! Get busy! And--get out!" + +Well, they got, and what happened then I will not go into because there +are things even a self-centered woman won't put on paper! Poor Jim, and +him back in camp to get deloused and demobilized and his tooth-brush, +and a few parting words of appreciation and etc, these past 48 hours +which it seems is the rule for all soldiers, and I suppose they did need +the rest after that parade before taking up domestic life once more. + +Well, anyways, that afternoon late, while him and me was thoroughly +enjoying our joint contract and the Sunday spreads with our pictures and +all, in walks Ma with her hat and dolman on and a suit-case in one hand, +and 'Frisco, the he-snake in his box, in the other hand. + +"For the love of Mike, Ma Gilligan, where are you going to?" I says, +looking at her idly. + +"I'm leaving you forever!" says Ma, in a deep voice. + +"Leaving us? Whatter you mean, leaving us?" I says, taking notice and my +head off Jim's shoulder. + +"I'm going back to work," says Ma. "I'm not going to be dependent on you +no longer," she says, "nor a burden in my old age," she says. "And now +that you got Jim back I shall only be in the way, so good-by, Gawd bless +you!" + +"Why, Ma Gilligan!" I yells, jumping to my feet. "How you talk! Besides +what on earth do you think you could do?" + +"Oh, I got a job," she flashes, proudly. "I'm going back to the circus!" + +Believe you me, that pretty near had me floored. + +"The circus!" I says. "What nonsense! Why a trapezer has to be half your +age to say nothing of weight!" + +"I'm not going on no trapeze at my years!" says Ma. "I'm going back as +Fat Lady. One hundred a week and expenses!" + +All of a sudden I realized the full meaning of them doughnuts and cocoa +and etc she had eat these past months. She had been deliberately +training and as usual was successful. I sprung to my feet and hung +around Ma's neck like a ten-year-old. + +"Oh Ma!" I says. "Don't! Please don't go back! Whatever would we do +without you?" I says. And Jim added his entreaties. + +"Why, Ma Gilligan, what bally rot!" he says, which it's quite noticeable +the amount of English he's picked up over there. "What a silly ass you +are, old dear!" he says. "Here we are going to California and who would +cook for us if not you?" he says, "with the cook-question like it is out +there?" + +Well, that weakened Ma considerable, for cooking is her middle name. So +she set down the suit-case. + +"Ma!" I begged her. "We _couldn't_ have too much of you, and you would +never be in the way or a burden no matter what the scales say. For +heaven's sake take off that hat, it's too young for you, and burden us +with the first home cooking Jim has had in two years!" + +Well, she give in at that, and sat down the snake and her dolman and +pocket-book. + +"Well, all right then!" she says. "I'll stay!" Which is about all the +emotion Ma ever shows. "Whew, but it's hot in here!" she says and turns +to open the window and we left her do it, because we seen she didn't +want us to notice her tears. And as she opened it she gives a shriek and +leans way over, grabbing at something. And hardly had she yelled than +from below come a holler and a flow of language the like of which I had +never heard, no, not even at the studio when something went wrong! Then +Ma commenced to laugh something hysterical and pulled herself back in +through the window and leaned against the side of it, hollering her head +off. + +"What is it?" I says. + +"It's Maude!" gasps Ma. "She was shut under the winder and when I opened +it she fell out and lit on Rudie's head which was sitting right +underneath." + +Well, we could hardly hear her for the noise in the kitchen. The +dumb-waiter was buzzing like all possessed. I and Jim rushed out and +there, lickety-split, come the dumb-waiter only it was more inarticulate +than dumb by then, and on it the case of Old Home lacking only three +quarts. + +"I find your whiskey, Miss La Tour!" says Rudie's voice, very weak and +shagy from below. "I chust find him and send him right away, quick!" + +"Thanks old dear!" chortled Jim. "Come up and have a drink on me!" + +"No tanks!" yelled Rudie. "I'm leaving this blace right now foreffer!" + +Well, we should worry! I turned to Jim, a big load off my mind. + +"Jim," I says solemnly. "There is the three hundred and twentieth job!" + +THE END + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's note: + +Varied spelling, hyphenation and dialect is as in the original. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Believe You Me!, by Nina Wilcox Putnam + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BELIEVE YOU ME! *** + +***** This file should be named 33728.txt or 33728.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/7/2/33728/ + +Produced by the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.fadedpage.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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