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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Worrying Won't Win, by Montague Glass
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Worrying Won't Win
+
+Author: Montague Glass
+
+Release Date: August 3, 2010 [EBook #33335]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORRYING WON'T WIN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Shell, Graeme Mackreth and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: See p. 173
+
+"And the only kick they've got, Mawruss," Abe said, "is that President
+Wilson won't expose his hand, which, if he did, he might just so well
+throw the game to Germany and be done with it."]
+
+
+
+
+WORRYING WON'T WIN
+
+BY
+
+MONTAGUE GLASS
+
+ILLUSTRATED
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS NEW YORK AND LONDON
+
+WORRYING WON'T WIN
+
+Copyright, 1918, by Harper & Brothers
+
+Printed in the United States of America
+
+Published May, 1918
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+ CHAP.                                                            PAGE
+
+ I. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE CZAR
+ BUSINESS                                                              1
+
+ II. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON SOAP-BOXERS
+ AND PEACE FELLERS                                                    10
+
+ III. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON FINANCING THE
+ WAR                                                                  20
+
+ IV. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON BERNSTORFF'S
+ EXPENSE ACCOUNT                                                      30
+
+ V. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS ON THE
+ FRONT PAGE AND OFF                                                   40
+
+ VI. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON HOOVERIZING
+ THE OVERHEAD                                                         49
+
+ VII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS                        58
+
+ VIII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON LORDNORTHCLIFFING
+ VERSUS COLONELHOUSING                                                68
+
+ IX. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON NATIONAL MUSIC
+ AND NATIONAL CURRENCY                                                77
+
+ X. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON REVOLUTIONIZING
+ THE REVOLUTION BUSINESS                                              86
+
+ XI. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE SUGAR
+ QUESTION                                                             96
+
+ XII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS HOW TO
+ PUT THE SPURT IN THE EXPERT                                         106
+
+ XIII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON BEING AN OPTICIAN
+ AND LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE                                      115
+
+ XIV. THE LIQUOR QUESTION--SHALL IT BE DRY
+ OR EXTRA DRY?                                                       124
+
+ XV. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON PEACE WITH
+ VICTORY AND WITHOUT BROKERS, EITHER                                 133
+
+ XVI. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON KEEPING IT
+ DARK                                                                142
+
+ XVII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE PEACE PROGRAM,
+ INCLUDING THE ADDED EXTRA FEATURE
+ AND THE SUPPER TURN                                                 151
+
+ XVIII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE NEW NATIONAL
+ HOLIDAYS                                                            160
+
+ XIX. MR. WILSON: THAT'S ALL                                         169
+
+ XX. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE GRAND-OPERA
+ BUSINESS                                                            177
+
+ XXI. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE MAGAZINE
+ IN WAR-TIMES                                                        186
+
+ XXII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON SAVING DAYLIGHT,
+ COAL, AND BREATH                                                    195
+
+ XXIII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS WHY IS A
+ PLAY-GOER?                                                          204
+
+ XXIV. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS SOCIETY--NEW
+ YORK, HUMAN, AND AMERICAN                                           213
+
+ XXV. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THIS HERE
+ INCOME TAX                                                          222
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+"And the only kick they've got, Mawruss," Abe
+said, "is that President Wilson won't expose
+his hand, which, if he did, he might
+just so well throw the game to Germany
+and be done with it."                                       _Frontispiece_
+
+"I bet yer over half a czar's morning mail already
+is circulars from casket concerns
+alone, Abe."                                            _Facing p._      2
+
+"'So,' Mrs. Hoover says, 'you had one of them
+sixty-cent table-d'h�te lunches to-day again,
+and now of course you 'ain't got no appetite.
+How many times did I tell you you
+shouldn't eat that poison?'"                              "             50
+
+"Perhaps it's because this here Lord George and
+King George is related maybe," Morris suggested.
+"I don't think so," Abe replied.
+"The name is only a quincidence."                         "             60
+
+"'Well, if we are such big experts on machine-guns,
+we should ought to know a whole lot
+more about machine-guns as Colonel Lewis,
+and what does that _Schlemiel_ know about
+machine-guns, _anyway_?'"                                 "            108
+
+"And five minutes after the jury had returned a
+verdict would be on his way up to the Matteawan
+Asylum for the Criminal Insane."                          "            152
+
+"Take, for instance, sopranos, and they come in
+two classes. There is the soprano which
+hollers murder police and they call her a
+dramatic soprano. And then again there is
+the soprano which gargles. That is a coloratura
+soprano."                                                 "            180
+
+"For instance, who is it that says whole-wheat
+bread irritates the lining from the elementry
+canal? The ignorant man? _Oser!_"                         "            202
+
+
+
+
+WORRYING WON'T WIN
+
+
+
+
+WORRYING WON'T WIN
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE CZAR BUSINESS
+
+   Like the human-hair business and the green-goods business it is not
+   what it used to be.
+
+
+"Yes, Abe," Morris Perlmutter said to his partner, Abe Potash, as they
+sat in their office one morning in September, "the English language is
+practically a brand-new article since the time when I used to went to
+night school. In them days when a feller says he is feeling like a king,
+it meant that he was feeling like a king, _aber_ to-day yet, if a feller
+says he feels like a king it means that he's got stomach and domestic
+trouble and that he don't know where the money is coming from to pay his
+next week's laundry bill. Czars is the same way, too. Former times when
+you called a feller a regular czar you meant he was a regular czar,
+_aber_ nowadays if you say somebody is a regular czar it means that the
+poor feller couldn't call his soul his own and that he must got to do
+what everybody from the shipping-clerk up tells him to do with no back
+talk."
+
+"Well, it only goes to show, Mawruss," Abe commented. "There was a czar,
+y'understand, which for years was not only making out pretty good as a
+czar, y'understand, but had really as you might say been doing something
+phenomenal yet. In fact, Mawruss, if three years ago R.G. Dun or
+Bradstreet would give it a rating to czars and people in similar lines,
+y'understand, compared with the czar already, an old-established house
+like Hapsburg's in Vienna would be rated N. to Q., Credit Four, see
+foot-note. And to-day, Mawruss, where _is_ he?"
+
+"Say," Morris protested, "any one could have reverses, Abe, because it
+don't make no difference if it would be a czar _oder_ a pants
+manufacturer, and they both had ratings like John B. Rockafellar even,
+along comes two or three bad seasons like the czar had it, y'understand,
+and the most you could hope for would be thirty cents on the dollar--ten
+cents cash and the balance in notes at three, six, and nine months,
+indorsed by a grand duke who has got everything he owns in his wife's
+name and 'ain't spent an evening at home with her since way before the
+Crimean War already."
+
+"What happened to the Czar, Mawruss," Abe said, "bad seasons didn't done
+it. Not reckoning quick assets, like crowns actually in stock,
+fixtures, etc., the feller must of owned a couple million _versts_
+high-grade real property, to say nothing of his life insurance,
+Mawruss."
+
+[Illustration: "I bet yer over half a czar's morning mail already is
+circulars from casket concerns alone, Abe."]
+
+"Czars and life insurance ain't in the same dictionary at all, Abe,"
+Morris interrupted. "In the insurance business, Abe, czars comes under
+the same head as aviators with heart trouble, y'understand. I bet yer
+over half a czar's morning mail already is circulars from casket
+concerns alone, Abe, so that only goes to show how much you know from
+czars."
+
+"Well, I know this much, anyhow," Abe continued. "What put the Czar out
+of business, didn't happen this season or last season neither, Mawruss.
+It dates back already twenty years ago, which you can take it from me,
+Mawruss, it don't make no difference what line a feller would be
+in--czars wholesale, czars retail, or czars' supplies and sundries,
+including bombproof underwear and the Little Wonder Poison Detector,
+y'understand, the moment such a feller marries into the family of his
+nearest competitor, Mawruss, he might just as well go down to a lawyer's
+office and hand him the names he wants inserted in Schedule A Three of
+his petition in bankruptcy."
+
+"Did the Czar marry into such a family?" Morris asked.
+
+"A question!" Abe exclaimed. "Didn't you know that the Czar's wife is
+the Kaiser's mother's sister's daughter?"
+
+"Say!" Morris retorted. "I didn't even know that the Kaiser _had_ a
+mother. From the heart that feller's got it, you might suppose he was
+raised in an incubator and that the only parents he ever knew was a
+couple of packages absorbent cotton and an alcohol-lamp."
+
+"Well, that's what I am telling you, Mawruss," Abe said. "With all the
+millionaires in Russland which would be tickled to pieces to get a czar
+for a son-in-law, y'understand, the feller goes to work and ties up to a
+family with somebody like the Kaiser in it, and you know as well as I
+do, Mawruss, one crook in your wife's family can stick you worser than
+all your poor relations put together."
+
+"Even when your wife's relations are honest, what _is_ it?" Morris
+asked.
+
+"_Gewiss!_" Abe agreed. "And can you imagine when such a crook _in_-law
+is also your biggest competitor? I bet yer, Mawruss, the poor _nebich_
+wasn't home from his honeymoon yet before the Kaiser starts in cutting
+prices on him."
+
+"Cutting prices was the least," Morris said. "Take Bulgaria, for
+instance, and up to a few years ago that was one of the Czar's best
+selling territories. In fact, Abe, whenever the Czar stops off at
+Sophia, him and the King of Bulgaria takes coffee together, such good
+friends they was."
+
+"Who is Sophia?" Abe asked. "_Also_ a relative of the Kaiser?"
+
+"Sophia is the name of one big town in Bulgaria," Morris replied.
+
+"That's a name for a big town--Sophia," Abe remarked. "Why don't they
+call it Lillian Russell and be done with it?"
+
+"They could call it Williamsburg for all the business the Czar done
+there after the Kaiser got in his fine work," Morris said.
+
+"And after all, what good did it done him?" Abe added. "Because you know
+as well as I do, Mawruss, the Kaiser ain't two jumps ahead of the
+sheriff himself. In fact, Mawruss, the king business is to-day like the
+human-hair business and the green-goods business. It's practically a
+thing of the past."
+
+"Did I say it wasn't?" Morris asked.
+
+"Being a king ain't a business no more, Mawruss. It's just a job," Abe
+continued, "and it's a metter of a few months now when the only kings
+left will be, so to speak, journeymen kings like the King of England and
+the King of Belgium and not boss kings like the King of Austria and the
+Kaiser. Why, right now, that Germany is his store, and that the poor
+Germans _nebich_ is just salespeople; and he figures that if he wants to
+close out his stock and fixtures at a sacrifice and at the same time
+work his salespeople to death, what is that _their_ business,
+y'understand."
+
+"Well, that's the way the Czar figured," Morris commented. "For, Abe,
+the Kaiser has got an idee years already he was running Russland on the
+open-shop principle, and before he woke up to the fact that the people
+he had been treating right straight along as non-union labor was really
+the majority stockholders, y'understand, they had changed the
+combination of the safe on him and notified the bank that on and after
+said date all checks would be signed by Jacob M. Kerensky as receiver."
+
+"You would think a feller like the Czar would learn something by what
+happened to this here Mellen of the New Haven Railroad," Abe said.
+
+"_Yow_ learn!" Morris replied. "Is the Kaiser learning something from
+what they done to the Czar?"
+
+"That's a different matter entirely," Abe retorted. "With a relation by
+marriage, you naturally figure if he makes a big success that he fell in
+soft and that a lucky stiff like him if he gets shot with a gun,
+y'understand, the bullet is from gold and it hits him in the pocket yet;
+whereas, if he goes broke and 'ain't got a cent left in the world,
+y'understand, it's a case of what could you expect from a _Schlemiel_
+like that. So instead of learning anything from what happens to the
+Czar, I bet yer the Kaiser feels awful sore at him yet. Why, I don't
+suppose a day passes without the Kaiser's wife comes to him and says,
+'Listen, Popper, Esther (or whatever the Czar's wife's name is) called
+me up again this morning; she says Nicholas 'ain't got no work nor
+nothing and she was crying something terrible.'
+
+"'Well, if she's going to keep on crying till I find that loafer a job,'
+the Kaiser says, 'she's got a long wet spell ahead of her.'
+
+"'She don't want you to find him no job,' the Kaiser's wife tells him.
+'All she asks is you should send 'em transportation.'
+
+"'Transportation _nothing_!' the Kaiser says. 'I already sent
+transportation to the King of Greece, Ambassador Bernstorff, Doctor
+Dernburg, this here boy Ed _und Gott weisst wer nach_. What am I? The
+Pennsylvania Railroad or something?'
+
+"'Well, what is he going to do 'way out there in Tobolsk?' she says.
+
+"'If he would only of acted reasonable and killed off a couple million
+of them suckers, the way any other king would do, he never would of had
+to go to Tobolsk at all,' the Kaiser says.
+
+"'_Aber_ what shall I say to her if she rings up again?' she asks.
+
+"'Say what you please,' the Kaiser answers her, 'but tell Central I
+wouldn't pay no reverse charges under no circumstances whatsoever from
+nowheres.'"
+
+"And who told _you_ all this, Abe?" Morris asked.
+
+"Nobody," Abe replied. "I figured it out for myself."
+
+"Well, you figured wrong, then," Morris said. "The Kaiser don't act that
+way. He ain't human enough, and, furthermore, Abe, the Kaiser don't talk
+over the telephone, neither, because if he did, y'understand, it's a
+cinch that sooner or later the court physician would be giving out the
+cause of death as shock from being connected up with the electric-light
+plant by party or parties unknown and Long Live Kaiser Schmooel the
+Second--or whatever the Crown Prince's rotten name is."
+
+"Any one who done such a thing in the hopes of making a change for the
+better, Mawruss," Abe commented, "would certainly be jumping from the
+frying-pan into the soup, because if the Germans got rid of the Kaiser
+in favor of the Crown Prince it would be a case of discarding a king and
+drawing a deuce."
+
+"Sure I know," Morris said, "but what the Germans need is a new deal all
+around. As the game stands now in Germany, Abe, only a limited few sits
+in, while the rest of the country hustles the refreshments and pays for
+the lights and the cigars, and they're such a poor-spirited bunch,
+y'understand, that they 'ain't got nerve enough to suggest a kitty,
+even."
+
+"Well, it's too late for them to start a kitty now, Mawruss," Abe said.
+"Which you could take it from me, Mawruss, the house is going to be
+pulled 'most any day. Several million husky cops is going up the front
+stoop right this minute, Mawruss, and while they may have a little
+trouble with them--now--ice-box style of doors, it's only a question of
+time when they would back up the patrol-wagon, y'understand, because if
+the Germans wouldn't close up the game of their own accord, Mawruss, the
+Allies must got to do it _for_ them."
+
+"But the Germans don't want us to help 'em," Morris said. "They're
+perfectly satisfied as they are."
+
+"I know it," Abe said. "They're a nation of shipping-clerks, Mawruss.
+They're in a rut, y'understand. They've all got rotten jobs and they're
+scared to death that they're going to lose them. Also the boss works
+them like dawgs and makes their lives miserable, y'understand, and yet
+they're trembling in their pants for fear he is going to bust up on
+them."
+
+"Then I guess it's up to us Allies to show them poor _Chamorrim_ how
+they could be bosses for themselves," Morris suggested.
+
+"Sure it is," Abe concluded, "and next year in Tobolsk when the Kaiser
+joins his relations by marriage, Mawruss, he's going to pick up the
+_Tobolsker Freie Presse_ some morning and see where there has been
+incorporated at last the _Deutsche Allgemeine Wohlfahrtfabrik_, with a
+capital of a hundred billion marks, to take over the business of the
+K.K. Manufacturing Company, and he's going to say the same as everybody
+else: 'Well, what do you know about them Heinies? I never thought they
+had it in them.'"
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON SOAP-BOXERS AND PEACE FELLERS
+
+   There is some of them peace fellers which ain't so much scared as
+   they are contrary.
+
+
+"People 'ain't begun to realize yet what this war really and truly
+means, Mawruss," Abe Potash said as he finished reading an interview
+with ex-Ambassador Gerard, in which the ex-ambassador said that people
+had not yet begun to realize what the war really meant.
+
+"Maybe they don't," Morris Perlmutter agreed, "but for every feller
+which 'ain't begun to realize what this war really and truly means, Abe,
+there is a hundred other fellers which 'ain't begun to realize what a
+number of people there is which goes round saying that people 'ain't
+begun to realize what this war really and truly means, y'understand.
+Also, Abe, the same people is going round begging people which is just
+as patriotic as they are that they should brace up and be patriotic,
+y'understand, and they are pulling pledges to hold up the hands of the
+President on other people who has got similar pledges in their breast
+pockets and pretty near beats 'em to it, understand me, and that's the
+way it goes."
+
+"Well, if one time out of a hundred they strike somebody who really and
+truly don't realize what the war means, like you, Mawruss," Abe began,
+"why, then, their time ain't entirely wasted, neither."
+
+"I realize just so much as you do what this war means, Abe," Morris
+retorted.
+
+"Maybe you do," Abe admitted, "but you don't talk like you did, Mawruss,
+otherwise you would know that if out of a hundred Americans only
+ninety-nine of 'em pledges themselves to hold up the hands of the
+President, y'understand, and the balance of one claims that we are in
+this war just to save our investments in Franco-American bonds and that
+Mr. Wilson is every bit as bad as the Kaiser except that he's
+clean-shaved, y'understand, then them ninety-nine fellers with the
+pledges in their breast pockets should ought to convert the balance of
+one. Because, Mawruss, a nation which is ninety-nine per cent. patriotic
+is like a fish which is ninety-nine per cent. fresh--all you can notice
+is the one per cent. which smells bad."
+
+"I am just so much in favor of the country being one hundred per cent.
+American as you are, Abe," Morris said, "but what I claim is that we
+should go about it _right_."
+
+"If you mean we shouldn't argue with them one-per-centers, but send them
+right back to that part of the old country which they come from
+originally, Mawruss," Abe continued, "why, I am agreeable that they
+should be shipped right away, F.O.B., N.Y., all deliveries subject to
+delay and liability being limited to fifty dollars personal baggage in
+case they should, please Gawd, fail to arrive in Europe."
+
+"Sure I know," Morris agreed. "But pretty near all them one-per-centers
+was born and raised in the United States or in Saint Louis, Wisconsin,
+and Cincinnati. You take this here _Burgermeister_ of Chicago, for
+instance, and the chances is that all he knows about the old country is
+what he learned on a couple of visits to Milwaukee, y'understand. So how
+could you export a feller like that?"
+
+"I don't want to export him, Mawruss. All I would like to see is that
+they should put an embargo on him," Abe said, "and on his friends, them
+peace fellers, too."
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," Morris commented, "about them peace fellers, you
+couldn't blame 'em exactly, because you know how it is with some people:
+they 'ain't got no control over their feelings, and if they're scared to
+death, y'understand, they couldn't help showing it, which my poor
+grandmother, _olav hasholom_, wouldn't allow me to keep so much as a
+pea-shooter in the house, on account, she says, if the good Lord wills
+it, even a broomstick could give fire."
+
+"And yet, Mawruss, if burglars would of broke into her home, I bet you
+she would grabbed the nearest flat-iron and went for 'em with it," Abe
+said, "so don't insult your grandmother _selig_ by comparing her with
+them peace fellers which they _oser_ care how many burglars is johnnying
+the front door just so long as they could hide under the bed."
+
+"At the same time, Abe, there is some of them peace fellers which ain't
+so much scared as they are contrary, y'understand," Morris said. "Take
+this here LaFollette, Abe, and that feller's motto is, 'My country--I
+think she's always wrong--but right or wrong--that's my opinion and I
+stick to it.' All a United States Senator has got to do is to look like
+he is preparing to say something, y'understand, and before he can get
+out so much as 'Brother President and fellow-members of this
+organization,' LaFollette jumps up and says, 'I'm sorry, but I disagree
+with you.'"
+
+"That must make him pretty popular in the Senate," Abe remarked.
+
+"Popular's no name for it," Morris continued. "There ain't a United
+States Senator which wouldn't stand willing to dig down and pay for a
+set of engrossed resolutions out of his own pocket, just so long as
+Senator LaFollette would resign or something."
+
+"But Senator LaFollette ain't one of them peace fellers, Mawruss," Abe
+said.
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris replied. "All he wants is to run the war
+according to Cushing's _Manual_. If he had his way we wouldn't be able
+to give an order for so much as one-twelfth dozen guns, y'understand,
+without it come up in the form of a motion that it is regularly moved
+and seconded that the Secretary of War be and he is hereby authorized to
+order the same and all those in favor will signify the same by saying
+aye, y'understand, and even then, Abe, him and Senator Vardaman would
+call for a show of hands under Section Twelve, Subsection D, of the
+by-laws."
+
+"Then I suppose if a few thousand American soldiers gets killed on
+account they 'ain't got the right kind of guns, Mawruss, we could lay it
+to Section Twelve, Subsection D, of the by-laws," Abe suggested.
+
+"And you could give some of them Senators credit for an assist, Abe,
+because you take a Senator like that, Abe, and when he holds up the
+ammunition supply with a two-hour speech, y'understand, he _oser_
+worries his head how many American soldiers is going to be killed by the
+Germans in France six months later, just so long as his own name is
+spelled right by the newspapers in New York City next morning."
+
+"It would help a whole lot, Mawruss," Abe said, "if Senators and
+Congressmen was numbered the same like automobiles, y'understand,
+because who is going to waste his breath arguing that the Senate should
+pass a law which it's a pipe the Senate ain't going to pass, on account
+that nobody is in favor of it except himself and a couple of other
+Senators temporarily absent on the road, making Fargo, Minneapolis,
+Chicago, and points east as traveling peace conventioners,
+y'understand, when he knows that next morning the only notice the New
+York newspapers will take of his _Geschrei_ will be, Among those who
+spoke in the Senate yesterday was:
+
+ D 105-666 WIS
+ 1917
+
+ 2016 PA.
+ 1917
+
+ COMMERCIAL
+ 01-232 N.Y.
+ 1917
+
+"Well, there's plenty of people which thinks when Governor Lauben
+wouldn't let them peace fellers run off their convention, y'understand,
+that it was unconstitutional," Morris said.
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "They're the same people which thinks that
+anything what helps us and hinders Germany is unconstitutional,
+including the Constitution. You take them socialist orators, which the
+only use they've got for soap is the boxes the soap comes in,
+y'understand, and to hear them talk you would think that the Kaiser sunk
+the _Lusitania_ pursuant to Article Sixty-one, Section Two, of the
+Constitution of the United States, Mawruss, whereas when President
+Wilson sends a message to Congress asking them when they are going to
+get busy on the war taxes and what do they think this is, anyway--a
+_Kaffeklatsch_, y'understand--it is all kinds of violations of Articles
+Sixteen, Thirty-two, O.K. and C.O.D. of the Constitution and that the
+American people is a lot of weak-livered curs to stand for it, outside
+of being weak-livered curs, anyway."
+
+"You mean to say we allow these here fellers to get up on soap-boxes and
+say such things like that?" Morris exclaimed.
+
+"We've _got_ to allow them," Abe replied. "The Constitution protects
+them."
+
+"What do you mean--the Constitution protects them?" Morris said. "Here a
+couple of weeks ago a judge in North Carolina gives out a decision that
+the Constitution don't protect little children eleven years old from
+being made to work in factories, y'understand, and now you are trying to
+tell me that the same Constitution does protect these here loafers! What
+kind of a Constitution have we got, anyway?"
+
+"I don't know, Mawruss, but there's this much about it, anyhow--a lawyer
+could get more money out of just one board of directors which wants to
+go ahead and put through the deal if under the Constitution of the
+United States nobody could do 'em nothing, y'understand, than he could
+out of all the children which gets injured working in all the
+cotton-mills south of Mason and Hamlin's line, understand me. So you
+see, Mawruss, the Constitution not only protects these here soap-box
+orators, but it also gives 'em something to talk about because when they
+want to knock the United States and boost Germany, all they need to say
+is that you've got to hand it to the Germans; if they kill little
+children, they're, anyhow, foreign children and not German children."
+
+"I suppose a lot of them soap-box orators gets paid by the German
+government for boosting the Germans the way you just done it, Abe,"
+Morris commented, "which I see that this here Ridder of the _New Yorker
+Staats-Zeitung_ gives it out that any one what accuses him that he is
+getting paid by the German government for boosting the Kaiser in his
+paper would got to stand a suit for liable, because he is too patriotic
+an American sitson to print articles boosting the Kaiser except as a
+matter of friendship and free of charge--outside of what he can make by
+syndicating them to other German newspapers."
+
+"But do them other German newspapers get paid by the German government
+for reprinting Mr. Ridder's articles?" Abe asked.
+
+"_That_ Mr. Ridder don't say," Morris replied.
+
+"Well," Abe continued, "_somebody_ should ought to appreciate the way
+them German newspapers love the Kaiser, even if it's only a United
+States District Attorney, Mawruss, because you take it if the shoe
+pinched on the other foot, and a feller by the name Jefferson W. Rider
+was running an American newspaper in Berlin, Germany, by the name, we
+would say, for example, the _Berlin_, _Germany_, _Star-Gazette_, which
+is heart and soul for Germany and at the same time prints articles by
+American military experts showing how Germany couldn't win the war, not
+in a million years, and the sooner the German soldiers realize it the
+quicker they wouldn't get killed for such a hopeless _Geschaft_,
+y'understand. Also, nobody has a greater admiration for the Kaiser than
+the _Berlin_, _Germany_, _Star-Gazette_, understand me, but that if the
+Kaiser thinks President Wilson is a tyrant, y'understand, then all the
+_Star-Gazette_ has got to say is, some day when the Kaiser is fixing the
+ends of his mustache in front of the glass mit candlegrease or whatever
+such _Chamorrim_ uses on their mustaches to make themselves look like
+kaisers, y'understand, that the Kaiser should take another look in the
+mirror and he would see there such a cutthroat tyrant which President
+Wilson never dreamed of being in Princeton University to the
+shipping-clerk, even. Also this here _Berlin_, _Germany_, _Star-Gazette_
+says that Germany is the land of bluff and that--"
+
+"One moment," Morris Perlmutter interrupted. "What are you trying to
+tell me--that such a newspaper would be allowed to exist in Berlin,
+Germany?"
+
+"I am only giving you a hypo-critical case, Mawruss," Abe continued,
+"where I am trying to explain to you that if this was Germany it
+wouldn't be necessary for Mr. Ridder to sue anybody for liable. All he
+would have to do when they ask him if he's got anything to say why
+sentence should not be passed, y'understand, is to tell the judge what
+was his trade before he became an editor, understand me, and they would
+put him to work at it for the remainder of the war."
+
+"He wouldn't get off so easy as that, even," Morris commented. "Why,
+what do you suppose they would do to the editor of this here, for
+example, _Star-Gazette_ if he was to just so much as hint that the Crown
+Prince couldn't be such a terrible good judge of French ch�teau
+furniture, y'understand, on account he had slipped over on the Berlin
+antique dealers a lot of reproductions which they had every right to
+believe was genwine old stuff, as it had been rescued from the flames,
+packed, and shipped under the Crown Prince's personal supervision? I bet
+you, Abe, if the paper was on the streets at three-thirty and the sun
+rose at three-thirty-five, y'understand, the authorities wouldn't wait
+that long. They'd shoot him at three-thirty-two."
+
+"I know it," Abe agreed. "You see, Mawruss, an editor, a soap-boxer, a
+cotton-mill owner, or a stock-waterer might get away with it in this
+country under the Constitution, but over on the other side they wouldn't
+know what he was talking about at all, because in Germany, Mawruss, a
+constitution means only one thing. It's something that can be ruined by
+drinking too much beer, and you don't have to hire no lawyer for
+_that_."
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON FINANCING THE WAR
+
+   On everything which a feller buys, from pinochle decks to headache
+   medicine, he will have to put a stamp.
+
+
+"I see where this here Chump Clark says that incomes from over ten
+thousand dollars should ought to be confiscated," Abe Potash observed to
+his partner, Morris Perlmutter, one morning in September.
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris replied, "and if this here Chump Clark has a good
+year next year and cleans up for a net profit of ten thousand two
+hundred and twenty-six dollars and thirty-five cents, then he'll claim
+that all incomes over ten thousand two hundred and twenty-six dollars
+and thirty-five cents should ought to be confiscated, Abe, and that's
+the way it goes. I am the same way, Abe. Any one what makes more money
+as I do, Abe, I 'ain't got no sympathy for at all."
+
+"I bet yer Vincent Astor thinks that John B. Rockafellar should ought to
+be satisfied mit the reasonable income which a feller could make it by
+working hard at the real-estate business the way Vincent Astor does,"
+Abe commented.
+
+"John B. Rockafellar _oser_ worries his head over the ravings of a
+protelariat," Morris said. "But, anyhow, Abe, there's a whole lot to
+what this here Chump Clark says at that. If we compel men to give up
+their lives for their country, why shouldn't we compel them fellers
+which has got incomes of over ten thousand dollars to give up their
+property for their country also?"
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss," Abe replied. "This here Chump Clark is a
+Congressman, and the way I feel about it is, that when a Congressman
+wants to say something in Congress, y'understand, he should ought to be
+compelled to first submit it in writing to a certified public accountant
+or, anyhow, a bookkeeper, y'understand, because the average Congressman
+'ain't got no head for figures. Take Mr. Clark, for example, and when he
+reckons that everybody which gets drafted is going to give up his life
+for his country, y'understand, you don't got to be the head actuary of
+the Equitable exactly in order to figure it out that he's made a
+tremendous overestimate. So when the same feller talks about
+confiscating incomes over ten thousand, it ain't necessary to ask how he
+come to fix on ten thousand instead of five thousand or fifteen
+thousand, because whether he tossed for it or dealt himself three cold
+hands, and the hand representing ten thousand dollars won out with treys
+full of deuces, y'understand, the information ain't going to help us
+finance the war to any extent."
+
+"Why not?" Morris asked.
+
+"Because you take yourself, for instance, and we would say for the sake
+of argument that in nineteen seventeen you turned over a new leaf and
+worked so hard that you made fifteen thousand five hundred dollars."
+
+"Listen, Abe," Morris interrupted, "if there is a new leaf coming to any
+one around here, Abe, I wouldn't mention no names for the sake of an
+argument or otherwise."
+
+"All right," Abe said, "then we'll say you didn't work no harder, but
+just the same, Mawruss, if you was to make fifteen thousand five hundred
+dollars in nineteen seventeen, and this here Chump Clark gets the
+government to confiscate fifty-five hundred dollars on you, how much
+would they confiscate on you in nineteen eighteen?"
+
+Morris shrugged his shoulders. "What is the use of talking pipe dreams?"
+he said.
+
+"I ain't talking pipe dreams," Abe retorted. "This is something which
+not only Chump Clark suggested it, but Senator LaFollette also as a good
+scheme for financing the war."
+
+"Evidently they don't expect the war to last long," Morris commented,
+"which the most the government could hope to collect is the excess
+income for nineteen seventeen, because if the government confiscates
+five thousand five hundred dollars on me in nineteen seventeen, am I
+going to go around in the summer of nineteen eighteen beefing about
+business being rotten because here it is the first of July, nineteen
+eighteen, and so far all the government could confiscate on me is two
+thousand two hundred and sixty-seven dollars and thirty-eight cents,
+whereas on July first, nineteen seventeen, I had already got confiscated
+on me two thousand four hundred and thirty-one dollars and fifty cents?
+_Oser a St�ck!_ If I have made ten thousand dollars as early as April
+first, nineteen eighteen, and I know that all further profits for
+nineteen eighteen is going to be confiscated by the government,
+y'understand, right then and there I am going to shut up shop and paste
+a notice on the door:
+
+ GONE TO LUNCH
+
+ WILL RETURN
+ JANUARY 2, 1919
+
+and anybody else would do the same, Abe, I don't care if he would be as
+patriotic as Senator LaFollette himself even."
+
+"But that ain't the only idees for financing the war which Congress has
+got it, Mawruss," Abe said. "On everything which a feller buys, from
+pinochle decks to headache medicine, he will have to put a stamp. There
+will be extra stamps on all kinds of checks from bank checks and poker
+checks to bar checks and hat checks. There will be red stamps, blue
+stamps, and stamps in all pastel shades, and when they run out of colors
+they'll print 'em in black and white and issue them to the public in
+flavors like wintergreen, peppermint, spearmint, and clove for bar-check
+stamps and strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate nut Sunday for
+theayter-ticket stamps."
+
+"For my part they could flavor 'em with _gefullte Miltz mit Knockerl_,
+because I got through buying orchestra seats when they begun to tax you
+two dollars and fifty cents for them, Abe, which if the government
+really and truly wants to raise money by taxing the public, why do they
+fool away their time asking suggestions from such new beginners like
+LaFollette and Chump Clark, when right here in New York there is fellers
+in the restaurant business, the theayter business, and running hat-check
+stands which has made taxing the public a life study already. For
+instance, if I would be the government and I wanted to tax theayter
+tickets, instead of monkeying around with stamps for twenty or thirty
+cents, y'understand, I would put a head waiter by the box-office window,
+and when the public is through paying for their tickets he gives them
+one look, y'understand, and they just naturally hand him a dollar."
+
+"What I couldn't understand is why should the government pick on people
+which goes to theayter for amusement," Abe said. "Ain't it enough that
+in order to hold my trade I've got to sit for three hours listening to a
+lot of nonsense when I could hardly keep my eyes open, but I must also
+get writer's cramp in my tongue from licking stamps yet just to oblige
+the United States government and a customer from the Middle West, which
+it's a gamble whether he wouldn't return the goods on me even if he does
+give me the order."
+
+"That's what it is to have fellers working as Congressmen which 'ain't
+had no other business experience," Morris declared. "If LaFollette and
+this here Clark knew what they was about, Abe, they would make it a law
+that the _customer_ should buy the stamps, and not alone for theayters,
+but for meals also. You take some of these out-of-town buyers which
+you've practically got to ruin their digestions before they would so
+much as look at your line, y'understand, and if they would got to paste
+a fifty-cent stamp on every broiled lobster they order up on you it
+would go a long way toward taking care of the uniform bills for the
+first draft."
+
+"And they should also got to stand for the tax on gasolene also," Abe
+added. "If you treat one of them grafters to so much as a two-quart
+automobile ride, you've already sacrificed half your profit on a couple
+of garments, even if he does pay for the stamps."
+
+"Cigars is another thing the government could of got a lot of money out
+of," Morris said.
+
+"What do you mean--_could_ of got?" Abe exclaimed. "They _do_ get a lot
+of money out of cigars. You take the average cigar to-day which costs
+sixty dollars a thousand to put on the market, Mawruss, and each cigar
+stands the manufacturer in as follows:
+
+ Advertising                                $.01
+ Printing and lithographing                  .0015
+ Manufacturing and boxing                    .01
+ Swiss chard                                 .005
+ War tax                                     .02
+
+                                           -----
+
+ Total                                      $.06"
+
+"Sure I know," Morris agreed, "but the art about taxing cigars ain't so
+much to sting the feller that manufactures them and the feller that buys
+them as the fellers which accepts them free for nothing. There is a
+whole lot of women's-wear retailers in the Middle West which has got
+quite a reputation for hospitality, because whenever they have a poker
+game up to the house they hand out cigars which cost you and me and
+other garment manufacturers here in New York as much as ninety dollars a
+thousand wholesale. So what I say is that the government should tax
+anybody which accepts a cigar to smoke on the spot ten cents, and for
+every one of them put-it-in-your-pocket-and-smoke-it-after-a-while
+cigars, such a feller should be taxed ten dollars or ten days."
+
+"Well, they'll get a whole lot of money raising postage from two to
+three cents," Abe suggested.
+
+"But not so much as they could get if they was to go about it right,"
+Morris said. "For sending letters which says, 'Inclosed please find
+check in payment of your last month's bill and oblige,' three cents is
+enough for any business man to pay, Abe, and in fact the feller which
+received such a letter shouldn't ought to kick if the Post Office
+Department makes him pay also three cents postage, but there is some
+letters which it should ought to be the law that when a merchant
+received one of them he should right away report the sender to the Post
+Office Department for a special war-tax stamp of from one to a hundred
+dollars. For instance, two dollars extra wouldn't be too much postage
+for a letter where it says, 'Your favor received and contents noted, and
+in reply would say you should be so kind and wait a couple days and I
+would see what I could do toward sending you a check for your March
+bill, as my wife has been sick ever since May fifteenth, and oblige,
+yours truly, The Reliance Store, M. Doober, proprietor.'"
+
+"If all them overdue retailers which is all the time pulling a sick wife
+on their creditors was to be taxed two dollars apiece, Mawruss," Abe
+said, "how much postage do you figure a storekeeper should pay when he
+writes to claim a shortage in delivery before he starts to unpack the
+goods, even. Then there is the feller which, when it don't get below
+zero promptly on the first of November, writes to tell you that he must
+say he is surprised, as the winter-weight garments which you shipped him
+ain't nowheres up to sample and is holding same at your disposal and
+remain, which if the government would come down on him for a hundred
+dollars, he is practically getting off with a warning. And I could think
+of a lot of other excess-postage cases, too, but, as I understand it,
+we are only trying to raise forty billion dollars, Mawruss."
+
+"Don't let that stop you, Abe," Morris said, "because there's going to
+be plenty of extras over and above the original estimate, which I see
+that a lot of South American countries is coming into the war and it's
+only a question of a month or so when we would have calling on us a
+commission from Peru, a commission from Chile, a commission from
+Bolivia, a commission from Paraguay, and all of them with the same
+hard-luck story, that if they only had a couple of billion dollars they
+could put an army of five hundred thousand soldiers into the field, if
+they only had five hundred thousand soldiers."
+
+"Just the same, Mawruss," Abe said, "them countries is going to be a lot
+of help."
+
+"And when we get through paying the help, y'understand, we've still got
+to raise money for the family to live on," Morris said, "so go ahead
+with your suggestion, Abe. Maybe there's some taxes which Congress
+'ain't thought of yet."
+
+"Well, there's this here free speech, which, instead of being free,
+Mawruss, if it was subject to a tax of one dollar per soap-box hour,
+payable strictly in advance, y'understand, so far as the pacifists is
+concerned, you would be able to hear a pin drop. Even Congressmen would
+soon get tired of paying from twenty to twenty-four dollars a day,
+especially if the government made it a stamp tax."
+
+"LaFollette would be covered mit stamps from head to foot," Morris
+remarked.
+
+"That would suit me all right," Abe said, "particularly if the collector
+of internal revenue was to run him with stamps affixed through a
+cancellation-machine and cancel him good and proper."
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON BERNSTORFF'S EXPENSE ACCOUNT
+
+   Here he is coming back from his trip after losing his whole territory
+   to his firm's competitors, and naturally he tries to make a good
+   showing with his expense account.
+
+
+"I see where the government puts a limit on the price which coal-dealers
+could charge for coal," Abe Potash said to his partner, Morris
+Perlmutter.
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said, "but did the coal-dealers see it, because I
+met Felix Geigermann on the Subway this morning, and from the way he
+talked about what the coal-dealers was asking for coal up in Sand
+Plains, where he lives, Abe, I gathered it was somewheres around twenty
+dollars a caret unset."
+
+"_Gott sei dank_ I am living in an apartment mit steam heat and my lease
+has still got two years to run at the same rent," Abe said.
+
+"Well, I hope it's written on good thick paper, and then it'll come in
+handy to wear under your overcoat when you sit home evenings next
+winter, Abe, because by the first of next February janitors will be
+giving coal to the furnace like it would be asperin--from five to ten
+grains every three hours," Morris predicted, "which I will admit that I
+ain't a good enough judge of anthracite coal to tell whether it's
+fireproof, of slow-burning construction, or just the ordinary sprinkled
+risk, y'understand, but I do know coal-dealers, Abe, and if the
+government says they must got to sell coal at seven dollars a ton,
+y'understand, it'll be like buying one of them high-grade automobiles
+where the list price includes only the engine and the two front wheels,
+F.O.B. Detroit. In other words, Abe, if you would buy coal to-day at
+seven dollars a ton you would get a bill something like this:
+
+ To coal               $7.00
+ To loading coal        1.00
+ To unloading coal      1.00
+ To weighing coal       1.00
+ To delivering coal     1.00
+ To dusting off coal    1.00
+
+and you would be playing in luck if you didn't get charged a dollar each
+for tasting coal, smelling coal, feeling coal, and doing anything else
+to coal that a coal-dealer would have the nerve to charge one dollar
+for."
+
+"Well, if I would be the United States government," Abe commented, "and
+had got a practical coal-man like this here Garfield to set a limit of
+seven dollars I wouldn't let them robbers pull no last rounds of
+rang-doodles on me, Mawruss. I'd take away their chips from 'em and put
+'em right out of the game."
+
+"Sure I know, Abe," Morris said, "_aber_ this here Garfield ain't a
+practical coal-man, Abe, and maybe that's the trouble. Mr. Garfield is
+president of Williams College, so you couldn't blame these here
+coal-dealers, because you know as well as I do, Abe, the garment trade
+will certainly put up an awful holler if when it comes to appoint a
+cloak-and-suit administrator Mr. Wilson is going to wish on us some such
+expert as Nicholas Murray Butler _oder_ the president of the Union
+Theological Cemetery."
+
+"At that," Abe said, "I think they'd know more about the price of
+garments than Bernstorff did about the price of Congressmen. I always
+give that feller credit for more sense than that he should try to
+explain an item in his expense account by claiming that
+
+ April 3, 1917, To sundries          $50,000
+
+was what he paid for bribing the United States Congress."
+
+"Well, say!" Morris exclaimed. "The poor feller had to tell 'em
+something, didn't he? Here he is coming back from his trip after losing
+his whole territory to his firm's competitors, and naturally he tries to
+make a good showing with his expense account, which, believe me, Abe, if
+I was a rotten salesman like that, before I would face my employer--and
+_such_ an employer, because that _Rosher_ 'ain't got them spike-end
+mustaches for nothing, Abe--I would first jump in the river, even if my
+expense account showed that I had been staying in a-dollar-and-a-half-a-day
+American-plan hotels and had sat up nights in the smoker for big jumps
+like from Terre Haute to Paducah."
+
+"Can you imagine the way the Kaiser feels?" Abe said. "I suppose at the
+start he was keeping so calm that he bit the end off his fountain pen
+and started to light the cap, and probably took one or two puffs before
+he noticed anything strange about the flavor, because you could easy
+make a mistake like that with a German cigar.
+
+"'_Nu_, Bernstorff,' he says, at last, as he looks at the expense
+account, 'before we take up the matter of this here eight-foot shelf of
+the world's greatest fiction I would like to hear what you got to say
+for yourself, so go ahead mit your lies and make it short.'
+
+"'I suppose you got my letters,' Bernstorff begins, 'the ones I sent you
+through the Swede.'
+
+"'What Swede?' the Kaiser says.
+
+"'Yon Yonson, the second assistant ambassador,' Bernstorff answers. 'I
+told him if he got them letters through for me that you would give him
+an order on the Chancellor for a first-class red eagle, but I guess he'd
+be satisfied with one of them old-rose eagles, Class Four B, that we
+used to have piled up there in the corner of the shipping-room.'
+
+"'I wouldn't even give him an order on Mike, the Popular Berlin Hatter,
+for a two-dollar derby, even,' the Kaiser says. '_Chutzpah!_ Writes me
+letter after letter with nothing but weather reports in 'em, and he
+wants me I should give this here Yonson a red eagle yet which costs me
+thirty-two fifty a dozen wholesale. Seemingly to you, Bernstorff, money
+is nothing.'
+
+"Here the old man grabs ahold of the expense account again.
+
+"'Honestly, Bernstorff,' he says, 'I don't see how you had the heart to
+spend all that money when you know how things are here in Berlin. If me
+and my Gussie sits down once a week to such a piece of meat as
+_gedampfte Brustdeckel mit Kartoffelpfannkuchen_, y'understand, that's
+already a feast for us, and as for chicken, I assure you we 'ain't had
+so much as a soup fowl in the house since my birthday a year ago, and
+you got the nerve to send me in an expense account like this. Aint it a
+shame and a disgrace?
+
+ 1916, May 1. Bolo      $4.00
+           5. Bolo       6.00
+           9. Bolo       3.25
+
+and every other day for week after week you spent on Bolo anywheres from
+one to fifteen dollars. Tell me, Bernstorff, how could a man make such a
+god out of his stomach?'
+
+"'Why, what do you think Bolo is?' Bernstorff asks.
+
+"'I don't _think_ what Bolo is; I _know_ what Bolo is,' the Kaiser tells
+him, and a dreamy look comes into his eyes. 'Many a time I seen my poor
+_Grossmutter olav hasholom_ make it. She used to chop up ten onions,
+five cents' worth parsley, and a big piece _Knoblauch_, add six eggs and
+a half a pound melted butter, and let simmer slowly. Now take your
+chicken and--'
+
+"'All right, Boss, I wouldn't argue with you,' Bernstorff says, 'because
+them amounts represent only the preliminary lunches which I give this
+here Bolo. Further down you would see where he gets the real big money,
+and then I'll explain.'
+
+"'Well, explain this,' the old man says. 'Here under date July second,
+nineteen sixteen, it stand an item:
+
+ To blowing up munitions plant      $10,000
+
+Who did you get to do it? Caruso?'
+
+"'You couldn't blow up a munitions plant and make a first-class job of
+it under ten thousand dollars, Boss,' Bernstorff says.
+
+"'Is _that_ so?' the Kaiser tells him. 'Well, let me tell you something,
+Bernstorff. I've got a pretty good line on what them munitions
+explosions ought to cost. My eldest boy has been blowing up buildings in
+France for over three years now, and for what it costs to blow up a
+factory he could blow up two cathedrals and a ch�teau.'
+
+"'Have it your own way, Boss,' Bernstorff says, 'but them ch�teau
+buildings is so old that they're pretty near falling down, anyway.'
+
+"'Don't give me no arguments,' the Kaiser says. 'I suppose you're going
+to tell me these here
+
+ 8 5-12 doz asstd bombs      $3,200
+
+was some Saturday specials you picked up in a bargain basement. What was
+they filled with, rubies?'
+
+"'Bombs is awful high, Boss,' Bernstorff says. 'Ask Dernburg what he
+used to pay for bombs; ask Von Papen; ask this here judge of the New
+York Supreme Court--I forget his name; ask anybody; they would tell you
+the same.'
+
+"'Should I also ask 'em if spies gets paid in America the same like
+stomach specialists in Germany? Look at this:
+
+ To one week's salary 12,235 spies    $1,223,500
+
+What have you been doing, Bernstorff? Keeping a steam-yacht on me and
+charging it up as spies?'
+
+"'Listen, Boss,' Bernstorff says. 'If you would know what an awful
+strong organization spies has got in the United States, instead you
+would be talking to me this way you would be thanking your lucky stars
+that I didn't let 'em run the wage scale up on me no higher than they
+did. Why, before I left Washington a deputation from Local Number One
+Amalgamated Spies of North America comes to see me and--'
+
+"'What the devil you are talking nonsense?' the Kaiser shouts. '_Moost_
+you got to employ union spies? Couldn't you find thousands and thousands
+of non-union spies to work for you?'
+
+"'That only goes to show what you know about America,' Bernstorff says.
+'There's a whole lot of people in America which would stand for blowing
+up factories, sinking passenger-steamers, shooting up hospitals, and
+dropping bombs on kindergartens, y'understand, but when it comes to
+people employing scab labor, they draw the line. And then again, Boss,
+spies is very highly thought of in America. Respectable people, like
+lawyers and doctors, gets arrested every day over there, and even once
+in a while a minister, y'understand, but a spy--_never_!'
+
+"At this point when it looks like plain sailing for Bernstorff, the
+Kaiser picks out that fifty-thousand-dollar item, and right there
+Bernstorff makes his big mistake, for as soon as he starts that
+Congressmen story the old man begins to figure that if Congressmen are
+so cheap and spies so dear, y'understand, the only thing to do is to
+call up the _Polizeiprasidium_ and tell 'em to send around a
+plain-clothes man right away to number Twenty-six A Schloss Platz, ring
+Hohenzollern's bell."
+
+"Then you really think that Bernstorff and Von Papen and all them crooks
+didn't spend the money over here that they claimed they spent," Morris
+said.
+
+"They probably spent it, all right," Abe replied, "but whether or not
+they spent it for what they claimed they spent it _for_, Mawruss, _that_
+I don't know, because if them fellers didn't stop at arson, dynamiting,
+and murder, why should they hesitate at petty larceny?"
+
+"But what them boys did in the way of blowing up munitions plants and
+sinking passenger-steamers was because they loved the Kaiser so much,
+and instead of arresting Bernstorff for the money he spent, Abe, I bet
+yer the Kaiser made him a thirty-second degree passed assistant
+_Geheimrat_ or something," Morris declared.
+
+"Well, there's no accounting for tastes, Mawruss," Abe said, "and if
+these here Germans is willing to slaughter, rob, and burn because they
+are in love with a feller which to me has a personality as attractive as
+the framed insides of the entrance to a safe deposit vault,
+y'understand, all I can say is that I don't give them no more credit for
+it than I would to a bookkeeper who committed forgery because he was in
+love with the third lady from the end in the second row of the original
+Bowery Burlesquers."
+
+"The wonder to me is that the Kaiser don't see it that way, too," Morris
+commented.
+
+"That's because when it comes right down _to_ it, Mawruss, the third
+lady from the end ain't no more stuck on herself than the Kaiser is on
+_him_self," Abe said. "Them third ladies from the end figure that the
+poor suckers always _did_ like 'em, and that therefore they are always
+_going_ to like 'em, so they go ahead and treat their admirers like
+dawgs and take everything they give 'em, y'understand, and the end of it
+is that either a third lady becomes so careless that from a perfect
+thirty-six she comes to be an imperfect fifty-four and has to work for a
+living, or else she gets pinched for receiving the property which them
+poor buffaloed admirers of hers handed over to her, and that'll be the
+end of the Kaiser, too."
+
+"And how soon do you think _that_ will happen?" Morris asked.
+
+"That depends on how soon the Kaiser's admirers gets through with him,"
+Abe said.
+
+"Maybe the Kaiser will quit first," Morris concluded, "because you take
+them third ladies from the end, Abe, and sooner or later they grow
+terrible tired of this here--now--fast life."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS ON THE FRONT PAGE AND OFF
+
+   What war done ain't a marker on what peace is going to do to a great
+   many of these here front-page propositions which is nowadays
+   accustomed to being continued on page two, column five, y'understand.
+
+
+"Yes, Mawruss," Abe said, as he thrust aside the sporting section one
+Sunday in October, "a people at war is like a man with a sick wife.
+Nothing else interests him, which here it stands an account from how
+them loafers out in Chicago plays baseball for the world's record yet,
+and for all the effect it has on me, Mawruss, it might just so well be
+something which catches my eye for the first time in the old newspaper
+padding which my wife pulls out from under the carpet when she is
+house-cleaning in the spring of nineteen twenty."
+
+"Well," Morris said, "I must got to confess that when I seen it
+yesterday how this here Fleisch shoots a home run there in the fifth
+innings, I--"
+
+"What are you talking nonsense--a home run in the fifth innings!" Abe
+exclaimed. "The home run was made in the fourth innings. The White Sox
+didn't make no score in the fifth innings. It was the Giants which made
+their only run in the fifth. McCarty knocked a three-bagger and Sallee
+singled and brought him home. _You_ tell _me_ what innings Fleisch shot
+a home run in!"
+
+"All right, Abe," Morris said, "I wouldn't argue with you, but all I got
+to say is you're lucky that on account of the war you ain't interested
+in auction pinochle the way you ain't interested in baseball, otherwise
+you might get quite a reputation as a gambler."
+
+"I am just so much worried about this war as you are, Mawruss," Abe
+protested, "but if I couldn't take my mind off of it long enough to find
+out which ball team is winning the world series I would be a whole lot
+more worried about myself as I would be about the war, which it don't
+make no difference how much a man loves his wife, y'understand, if she's
+only sick on him long enough, Mawruss, he's going to get sufficiently
+used to it to take in now and then a good show occasionally. In fact,
+Mawruss, it's a relief to read once in a while in the newspapers
+something which ain't about the war, like a murder, y'understand, the
+only drawback being that along about the third day after the discovery
+of the body, and just when you are getting interested in the thing,
+General Haig advances another mile on a couple of thousand kilowatt
+front, y'understand, and for all you can find anything in the newspaper
+about your murder, y'understand me, the feller needn't have troubled
+himself to commit it at all."
+
+"Murderers ain't the only people which got swamped by the war," Morris
+said. "Take William J. Bryan, for example, and up to within a year or
+so, Abe, the newspaper publicity which William J. Bryan got free,
+y'understand, William J. Douglas would of paid a quarter of a million
+dollars for. Take also this here Hobson which sunk the _Merrimac_ and
+Lindsey M. Garrison, who by resigning from the War Department come
+within an ace and a couple of pinochle decks thrown in of ruining Mr.
+Wilson's future prospects, Abe, and there was two fellers which used to
+get into the newspapers as regularly as Harry K. Thaw and Peruna, and
+yet, Abe, if any time during the past six months William J. Bryan,
+Lindsey M. Garrison, and this here Hobson would of been out riding
+together, and the automobile was to run over a cliff a hundred feet high
+onto a railroad track and be struck by the cannon-ball express,
+understand me, the most they could expect to see about it in the papers
+would be:
+
+   NEWS IN BRIEF
+
+   An automobile rolled over an embankment at Van Benschoten Avenue and
+   456th Street, the Bronx, landing in a railroad cut. Its four
+   occupants are in Lincoln Hospital. One of them, George K. Smith, a
+   chauffeur, suffered a fracture of the skull.
+
+   More than fifty pawn tickets were found on Peter Krasnick, who was
+   caught in Brooklyn after a chase over a rear fire-escape. He is
+   charged with burglary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+   World Wants Work Wonders
+
+And if at the last moment before the reporters goes home for the night
+word comes that the Germans made another strong attack on Hill
+Six-sixty-six B, y'understand, they strike out everything except 'World
+Wants Work Wonders' and let it go at that."
+
+"Referendum and Recall is something else which you used to see a whole
+lot about in the papers," Abe said, "and while I always ducked 'em
+myself, at the same time there must be a whole lot of people which is
+wondering what ever become of 'em since the war started."
+
+"The chances is," Morris declared, "if they was to come across the names
+Referendum and Recall in the papers to-day, Abe, they would say it's a
+miracle they escaped as long as they did, because they've got a hazy
+impression they read it somewheres that the Recollection, the
+Resurrection, and the Reproduction of the same line was sunk by U-boats
+about the time they torpedoed the Minnieboska, the Minnietoba, and all
+them other Minnies."
+
+"Prize-fighting is also got a black eye in the way of newspaper
+publicity since we went into the war, Mawruss," Abe continued, "and it
+ain't remarkable, neither, when you look back and think of the pages and
+pages the newspapers used to print about a couple of loafers trying to
+hurt each other with gloves on their hands, which, believe me, Mawruss,
+a green shipping-clerk could give himself worse _Makkas_ nailing up one
+case of goods than them boys could do to each other in a whole season
+already."
+
+"I bet yer," Morris said, "and for such a picnic Jeff Willard used to
+get over a hundred thousand dollars yet."
+
+"Can you imagine how much money one of them aviators over in the old
+country ought to draw under such a wage scale?" Abe asked. "I read an
+account of what an aviator has got to do when he goes up in an
+airyoplane, Mawruss, and at one and the same time while he is balancing
+himself five thousand feet in the air he takes photographs, shoots off
+guns, drops bombs, sends wireless telegraphs, and also runs and steers
+an engine which is so powerful, y'understand, that if you would be
+running it on dry land, Mawruss, you wouldn't be able to take your mind
+off of it long enough to think about the high cost of camera supplies,
+let alone taking pictures yet."
+
+"I wonder if such a young feller has got also a knowledge of bookkeeping
+and stenography," Morris speculated.
+
+"What difference does that make?" Abe asked.
+
+"Because, Abe, if after the war we could get him to come to work in our
+place it would pay us to give him a hundred dollars a week even," Morris
+replied, "on account it would be a cinch, after what he's been used to
+in his last position, for such a young feller to operate an electric
+rotary cutting-machine with his left hand and press garments with his
+right, and he has still got both legs and his head left to keep the
+books, answer the telephone, run a typewriter and an adding-machine,
+and fix up a new card index for our credit system."
+
+"At that he would probably throw up the job on account he didn't have
+enough to do to keep him busy, Mawruss," Abe commented, "and also it's
+going to be pretty hard for them fellers to settle down after the war
+gets through, considering all the excitement they've had with their
+names in the papers and everything."
+
+"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "The fact that a feller like Hindenberg is now
+getting his name in the paper the way it used to was a few years ago
+with Hannah Elias and Cassie Chadwick ain't no criterion to judge by,
+Abe, because what war done to make the newspapers forget their old
+friends Bryan and Evelyn Nesbut ain't a marker on what peace is going to
+do to a great many of these here front-page propositions which is
+nowadays accustomed to being continued on page two, column five,
+y'understand. Why, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if in about five or six
+years from now, Abe, you are going to take up the paper some morning and
+read an item like this:
+
+   OBITUARY NOTES
+
+   Max K. Hindenberg, 83 years old, a clothing merchant, member of the
+   firm of Hindenberg & Levy, and recording secretary of Sigmund Meyer
+   Post No. 97 Veterans of the War of 1914-1918, died early yesterday at
+   his home, 2076 East 8th Street, Potsdam, Germany, yesterday. Deceased
+   was a native of East Prussia.
+
+And the chances is that ninety-nine out of a hundred people ain't even
+going to say to themselves, 'Where did I hear that name before?'"
+
+"That's where you make a big mistake, Mawruss," Abe said. "Hindenberg is
+a very popular feller in Germany, and I bet yer that on every map filed
+in the county clerks' offices of Prussian real-estate developments
+during the past three years there's a Hindenberg Street or a Hindenberg
+Avenue, to say nothing of the babies which has been born over there and
+named Max Hindenberg Goldsticker or Max Hindenberg Schwartz."
+
+"Sure I know," Morris said, "and you can take my word for it, Abe, along
+about nineteen hundred and thirty-five there's going to be a whole lot
+of lawyers over in Deutschland making from twenty-five to fifty marks a
+throw for putting through motions in the Court of Common Pleas for the
+City and County of Berlin that the name of the said applicant, Max H.
+Goldsticker or Max H. Schwartz, as the case may or may not be, be and
+the same hereby is changed to Frank Pershing Goldsticker or Woodrow W.
+Schwartz. Also, Abe, if ever they open up Charlottenberg Heights
+overlooking beautiful Lake Hundekehlen as per plat filed in the office
+of the register of Brandenburg County, y'understand, there'll be a
+Helfferich Place, a Liebknecht Avenue, and even a Bebel Terrace maybe,
+but in twenty years from now a German real-estater wouldn't be able even
+to give away lots free for nothing on any Hindenberg Street or
+Hindenberg Avenue, not if he was to throw in a two-family house with
+portable garage complete."
+
+"Well, you could say the same thing about this country, too," Abe
+declared, "which twenty years from now, people wouldn't know whether the
+word _viereck_ was a fish or a cheese; and as for all them college
+professors which got fired recently because they made the mistake of
+thinking that a college professor gets paid to fool away his time making
+speeches against the government the same like a United States Senator,
+y'understand, I couldn't even remember their names to-day yet, so you
+can imagine how they're going to go down in history, Mawruss: compared
+to them fellers, there are a few thousand notary publics whose names
+will be household words already."
+
+"Any man who thinks he is going to make a name for himself by talking or
+writing against his country is due to get badly fooled, I don't care if
+he would be a college professor, a United States Senator, or an editor,
+Abe," Morris said, "because the most he could hope for is the thing what
+usually happens him. He gets fired, Abe, and the only reputation a
+feller gets by getting fired is the reputation for getting fired, and
+that ain't much of a recommendation when he comes to look for another
+job."
+
+"The people I am sorry for is the wives of these here professors," Abe
+said, "which even when a college professor has got steady work his wife
+'ain't got no bed of roses to make both ends meet, neither, and I bet
+yer more than one of them ladies will got to do a little plain sewing
+for a living on account her husband became so hot-headed over this here
+pacifism."
+
+"That's the trouble with them pacifists," Morris concluded. "If they
+would only take some of the heat out of their heads and put it into
+their feet, Abe, they could hold onto their jobs and their wives
+wouldn't got to go to work at all. Am I right or wrong?"
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON HOOVERIZING THE OVERHEAD
+
+   When a feller reckons the overhead on the goods he manufactures he
+   figures in one-twelfth of his telephone number, one-twelfth of the
+   year he was born, and one-twelfth of every other number he can
+   remember from his automobile to his street number.
+
+
+"Of course, Mawruss, I don't claim that Mr. Hoover don't know his
+business nor nothing like that," Abe Potash said as he finished reading
+a circular mailed to him by the Food Conservation Director, "but at the
+same time if I would be permitted to make a suggestion, Mawruss, I would
+suggest that in addition to following out all the DON'TS in this here
+food-conservation circular--and also in the interests of being strictly
+economical, y'understand--the women of the country should learn it
+genwine Southern cooking, the kind they've got it in two-dollars-a-day
+American-plan Southern hotels, Mawruss, and not only would people eat
+much less than they eat at present, but the chances is it would fix some
+people so they wouldn't eat at all."
+
+"Why _Southern_ cooking?" Morris Perlmutter asked. "For that matter,
+two-dollar-a-day American-plan Eastern cooking wouldn't make you eat
+yourself red in the face, neither, which the last time I was in New
+Bedford they gave me for lunch some fried schrod, and I give you my
+word, Abe, I'd as lieve eat a pair of feet-proof socks, including the
+guarantee and the price ticket. But that ain't neither here or there,
+Abe. Nobody could pin medals on himself for being a small eater in a
+hotel, Abe, _aber_ the test comes when you arrive home from the store at
+half past seven and your wife sets before you a plate of _gedampfte
+Kalbfleisch_ which if a chef in Delmonico's would cook such a thing like
+that, Abe, the Ritz-Carlton would pay John G. Stanchfield a retainer of
+one hundred thousand dollars to advise them how the fellow's contract
+could be broken with Delmonico's so they could get him to come to work
+for them. And that's why I am telling you, Abe, when you get such a
+plate of _gedampfte Kalbfleisch_ in front of you, which the steam comes
+up from it like roses, y'understand, and when you put a piece of it in
+your mouth it's like--"
+
+"Say, listen," Abe protested, "let me alone, will you? It's only eleven
+o'clock, and I couldn't go out to lunch for another hour yet."
+
+"That only goes to show what for a stomach patriot you are, Abe," Morris
+commented. "Even when we are only _talking_ about food you couldn't
+restrain yourself, so what must it be like when you've got the food
+actually on the table? I bet yer you don't remember that such a
+feller as Hoover ever existed at all, let alone what he says about
+eating reasonable."
+
+[Illustration: "'So,' Mrs. Hoover says, 'you had one of them sixty-cent
+table-d'h�te lunches to-day again, and now of course you 'ain't got no
+appetite. How many times did I tell you you shouldn't eat that
+poison?'"]
+
+"That's all right, Mawruss," Abe said. "Mr. Hoover could talk that way,
+because maybe his wife ain't such a crank about her cooking like my
+Rosie is, y'understand, _aber_ if Mr. Hoover would be me, Mawruss, and
+there comes on the table some _gestoffte Miltz_ which Mrs. Hoover has
+been breaking her back standing over the stove all the afternoon seeing
+that it don't stick to the bottom of the kettle, y'understand, and Mr.
+Hoover takes only a couple slices of it on account of the war,
+y'understand, what is going to happen then?
+
+"'So,' Mrs. Hoover says, 'you had one of them sixty-cent table-d'h�te
+lunches to-day again, and now of course you 'ain't got no appetite. How
+many times did I tell you you shouldn't eat that poison?'
+
+"'So sure as I am sitting here, mommer,' Hoover says, 'all I had for my
+lunch was a Swiss-cheese rye-bread sandwich and a cup coffee.'
+
+"'Then what's the matter you ain't eating?' Mrs. Hoover says. 'Ain't it
+cooked right?'
+
+"'Certainly it's cooked right,' Hoover says. 'But two pieces is a plenty
+on account of the war.'
+
+"'On account of the war! I could work my fingers to the bone fixing good
+food for that man, and he wouldn't eat it on account of the war, _sagt
+er_,' says Mrs. Hoover.
+
+"'But, listen, mommer--' Hoover tries to tell her.
+
+"'Never mind, any excuse is better than none,' Mrs. Hoover says. 'Turns
+up his nose at my cooking yet! _Gestoffte Miltz_ ain't good _enough_ for
+him. I suppose you would like me to give you every day roast duck on
+twenty dollars a week housekeeping money. Did you ever hear the like?
+Couldn't eat _gestoffte Miltz_ no more, so tony he gets all of a
+sudden!'
+
+"'_Aber_ mommer, listen to me for a moment,' Hoover says, but it ain't a
+bit of use because Mrs. Hoover goes into the bedroom and locks the door
+on him, and by the time he has got her to be on speaking terms again he
+has violated the don't-eat-no-sugar DON'T to the extent of four dollars
+and fifty cents for a five-pound box of mixed chocolates and bum-bums,
+understand me. Also just to show that she forgives him they take in a
+show mit afterward a supper in which Mr. Hoover violates not only all
+the other DON'TS in the food-conservation circulars, but also makes
+himself liable to go to jail for giving a couple of dollars to a German
+head waiter under the Trading with the Enemy law."
+
+"At that, the way some of our best hotels conservates food nowadays is
+setting a good example to the women of the country," Morris declared.
+
+"What do you mean--nowadays?" Abe retorted. "They always conservated
+food, the only difference being, Mawruss, that in former times, when
+them crooks used to get ten portions of chicken _� la_ King out of a
+two-pound cold-storage chicken and charged you a dollar and a quarter a
+portion for it, y'understand, they was a bunch of crooks--ain't
+it?--whereas nowadays when them crooks get eleven portions out of the
+same chicken and charge you a dollar and a half a portion for it,
+y'understand, they're a bunch of patriots, understand me, which if the
+coal-dealer and the retail grocer and butcher would short-weight you and
+overcharge you the way some of them patriotic New York hotel proprietors
+does, it would be hard to find many patriots in New York City outside of
+Blackwells Island _oder_ the Tombs prison."
+
+"And yet, Abe, if you would go to work and figure out the overhead on a
+chicken which is used for eleven portions of chicken _� la_ King,"
+Morris said, "you would find that the hotel-keeper gets his profit only
+from the neck which he uses for chicken consomm�."
+
+"Well, say!" Abe exclaimed. "A profit of six cups of chicken consomm� at
+forty cents a cup ain't to be sneezed at, neither, and even then you are
+taking the hotel-keeper's word for the overhead, which I don't care if a
+feller would be ordinarily a regular George Washington, y'understand,
+and wouldn't even lie to his wife about how he come out in his weekly
+Saturday-night pinochle game, understand me, but when such a feller
+reckons the overhead on the goods he manufactures it don't make no
+difference if it would be locomotive engines or pants, in addition to
+the legitimate cost of every one-twelfth dozen articles, he figures in
+as overhead one-twelfth of his telephone number, one-twelfth of the
+year he was born, one-twelfth of how old his grandfather _olav hasholom_
+was when he married for the fourth time, and one-twelfth of every other
+number he can remember, from his automobile number to his street number,
+and usually such a crook lives in the last house from the city limits."
+
+"I tell yer, Abe," Morris said, "the feller which invented poison gas
+was some _Rosher_, and the feller which invented T.M.T. also, but the
+feller which invented the overhead is in a class by himself just behind
+the Kaiser. I don't know what his name is, but he is the feller what
+fixed things so that a ten-cent loaf of bread has not only got into it
+the air-holes which is caused by the yeast, but also the air-holes which
+is caused by the lawyer's bill that the baking company paid at the time
+they issued their five-million-dollar consolidated and refunding
+four-per-cent. first-mortgage bonds, y'understand, and there's just as
+much nourishment in that kind of air-hole for a truck-driver's family of
+growing children as there is in any other kind of air-hole."
+
+"Well, the bakers 'ain't got nothing on the farmers when it comes to
+cost bookkeeping, Mawruss," Abe said. "I was reading where the
+milk-raisers' _Verein_ claims the price of feed is so high that they've
+got to sell milk at ten cents a quart wholesale, but for all them
+farmers figure that the same feed goes to fatten the cow for the market,
+Mawruss, you might suppose that there was a big institution somewheres
+up state called the Ezra B. Cornell Home for Aged and Indignant Cows,
+y'understand, and that so soon as a cow gets through giving milk,
+y'understand, instead of slaughtering it the farmer takes it to the home
+in his automobile and contributes five dollars a week toward its support
+until it dies of hardening of the arteries at the age of eighty-two."
+
+"Take it from me, Abe," Morris said, "them farmers ain't such farmers as
+people think they are. It's going to be so, pretty soon, that people
+will be paying two dollars and a half for an orchestra seat and pretty
+near break their hearts while the poor old second-mortgage shark is
+being turned out of his little home by the farmer."
+
+"And on the opening night, Mawruss, the front rows will be filled with
+milk agents," Abe said, "and after the show you will see them sitting
+around Rector's and Churchill's and getting terrible noisy over a magnum
+of Sheffield Farms nineteen sixteen."
+
+"Of course nobody is going to be the worser for making a joke about such
+things, Abe," Morris interrupted, "but last winter when these fellers
+which gets off mommerlogs in vaudeville shows was talking about somebody
+being immensely wealthy on account his breath smelt from onions,
+y'understand, there wasn't many people raising a family on less than
+twenty-five dollars a week whose breath smelt from onions at that."
+
+"Did I say they did?" Abe asked.
+
+"And it is the same way with potatoes and fruit, not to say fish and
+poultry and all the other foods which Mr. Hoover says we should eat in
+order to save beef, sugar, and flour for the soldiers," Morris
+continued. "When a woman buys nowadays flounder at twenty-five cents a
+pound, she is paying ten cents for fish and fifteen cents toward the
+fish-dealer's wife's diamonds or his six-cylinder automobile, so if I
+would be Mr. Hoover, before I issued bread and meat cards to the
+consumer I would hand out automobile and diamond cards to the
+fish-dealer and the vegetable-dealer and maybe it would help to stop
+them fellers from loading their prices with what it costs 'em to keep up
+their expensive habits."
+
+"A fish-dealer is entitled to expensive habits the same like anybody
+else," Abe said, "which if Mr. Hoover stops him from buying his wife
+once in a while diamonds, sooner or later Mr. Hoover will stop him from
+buying his wife furs and it will work down right along the line till Mr.
+Hoover hits the garment business, Mawruss, which, while I ain't got no
+particular sympathy for a fish-dealer, y'understand, his money is just
+so good as the next one's, so I ask you, as a garment-manufacturer, what
+are you going to do about it?"
+
+"Let him buy Liberty Bonds."
+
+"But in that case, how many Liberty Bonds could the diamond merchant,
+the automobile-manufacturer, or the furrier buy?"
+
+"Say, looky here," Morris said, "let me alone, will you? This is
+something which is up to Mr. Hoover, not me."
+
+"I know it is," Abe concluded, "and I've got a great deal of sympathy
+for him, too, because before Mr. Hoover gets through he would not only
+make a bunch of enemies, Mawruss, but he is going to use up a whole lot
+of headache medicine, and don't you forget it."
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS
+
+   The hopeless part of it is that there's no way of putting a nation of
+   ninety million people in a lunatic asylum, even if there was an
+   asylum big enough to hold them, which there ain't.
+
+
+"I see where the French President is going to lose his Prime Minister
+again," Abe Potash said, "which the way that feller is always changing
+Prime Ministers, Mawruss, he must be a terrible hard man to work for."
+
+"Say," Morris Perlmutter replied, "I've got enough to think about
+keeping track of what happens here in this country without I should
+worry my head over political _Meises_ in France."
+
+"Well, you are the same like a whole lot of Americans," Abe said, "which
+for all they read about what is going on over in Europe the Edison
+Manufacturing Company might just so well never have invented the
+telegraph at all."
+
+"I don't _got_ to read it with such a statesman like you around here,"
+Morris retorted, "so go ahead and tell me: what did the French Prime
+Minister done _now_ that he gets fired for it?"
+
+"That only goes to show what you know from Prime Ministers!" Abe
+declared. "A Prime Minister never gets fired, Mawruss--he resigns, and
+while I admit that nine times out of ten when the French President has
+had a Prime Minister resign on him, it's probably been a case of the
+stenographer tipping the Prime Minister off that before the boss went to
+lunch he said, 'If that grafter's still here when I come back there'll
+be another Prime Minister going around on crutches,' y'understand, yet
+at the same time this here last Prime Minister has been right on the
+job, and the French President has been quite worried for fear he's going
+to quit."
+
+"Well, let him get along _without_ a Prime Minister for a while," Morris
+said. "With the money the French people is spending for war supplies it
+won't do him no harm to cut down his pay-roll, and, besides, what does
+he want a Prime Minister for, _anyway_? Has President Wilson got a Prime
+Minister? Them people come over here a couple of months ago and cashed
+in a hard-luck story for a matter of a few hundred million dollars,
+y'understand, and like a lot of come-ons that we are, understand me, it
+never even occurred to us but what them boys was living right up close
+to the cushion."
+
+"How much do you think a Prime Minister draws, Mawruss--a million a
+week?" Abe asked.
+
+"It ain't how much he draws," Morris said. "It's the idea of the thing
+which I don't care if he only gets five dollars a day and commissions,
+Abe, if President Wilson would got a Prime Minister working for him
+instead of attending to the business himself, which is what President
+Wilson gets paid for, y'understand, there's many a time when the
+President has been out late at the theayter or when he is feeling under
+the weather, understand me, where he would say: 'Why should I kill
+myself slaving day in, day out, like a slave, y'understand. What have I
+got a Prime Minister for, anyway?' And that's how I bet yer the French
+President has passed over to the Prime Minister a whole lot of important
+stuff which the poor _nebich_ was bound to slip up on, because, after
+all, a Prime Minister is only a Prime Minister."
+
+"Maybe you're right," Abe admitted, "but at the same time there's some
+pretty smart Prime Ministers, too, which you take this here Prime
+Minister Lord George, over in England, and that feller practically runs
+the country. In fact, as I understand it, King George leaves the entire
+management to him, so much confidence he's got in the feller."
+
+"Perhaps it's because this here Lord George and King George is related
+maybe," Morris suggested.
+
+"I don't think so," Abe replied. "The names is only a quincidence, which
+even before Lord George was ever heard of at all the Prime Minister
+always run things in England while the King put in his whole time
+opening charity bazars and laying corner-stones. First and last I
+suppose that feller has laid more corner-stones than all the heads of
+all the fraternal orders in the United States put together, and if
+there's such a disease as grand master's thumb, like smoker's heart and
+housemaid's knee, Mawruss, I'll bet that King George has got it."
+
+[Illustration: "Perhaps it's because this here Lord George and King
+George is related maybe," Morris suggested. "I don't think so," Abe
+replied. "The name is only a quincidence."]
+
+"Well an English king can afford to spend his time that way," Morris
+said, "because them English Prime Ministers is really prime,
+y'understand, whereas you take the Prime Ministers which the Czar
+_nebich_, the King of Greece, and even the King of Sweden had it, and
+instead of them Prime Ministers being prime, understand me, they ranged
+all the way from sirloin to chuck, as they would say in the meat
+business."
+
+"Some of the English Prime Ministers wasn't so awful prime, neither,"
+Abe said. "Take the feller which was holding down the job of Prime
+Minister around July fourth, seventeen seventy-six, and the way that boy
+let half a continent slip through his fingers was enough to make King
+Schmooel the Second, or whatever the English king's name was in them
+days, swear off laying corner-stones for the rest of his life. Also the
+English Prime Minister which engineered the real-estate deal where
+Germany got ahold of the island of Heligoland wasn't what Mr. P.B.
+Armour would call first cut exactly, which, if England would now own
+Heligoland instead of Germany, Mawruss, such a serial number as U
+Fifty-three for a German submarine would never have been heard of. They
+would have stopped short at U Two or U Two B."
+
+"Well, anybody's liable to get stuck in a swap with vacant lots, Abe,"
+Morris said, "and the chances is the poor feller figured that with this
+here Heligoland, the only person who would have the nerve to call such
+real estate _real estate_, y'understand, would be a real-estater with a
+first-class imagination when the tide was out."
+
+"That's what Germany figured, too," Abe said, "and the consequence is
+she went to work and improved them vacant lots with fortifications which
+lay so low in the water, Mawruss, that from two miles out at sea no one
+would dream of such things--least of all an admiral."
+
+"So how could you blame a Prime Minister if he didn't suspect what
+Germany was up to when she bought that sand-bank?" Morris asked.
+
+"Of course that was a long time before the war, Mawruss," Abe said.
+"Nowadays the dumbest Prime Minister knows enough to know that coming
+from a German diplomat a simple remark like, 'Good morning, ain't it an
+elegant weather we are having?' is subject to one of several
+constructions, none of which is exactly what you could call _kosher_,
+y'understand."
+
+"And supposing he finds such a remark in a letter from a German diplomat
+to the Kaiser, Abe?" Morris asked. "What does it mean then?"
+
+"That depends on where it is written from," Abe said, "which if the
+Minister of Foreign Affairs down in Paraguay or Peru finds out that a
+German ambassador has written home to the effect that he is feeling
+quite well again and hopes this letter finds you the same,
+y'understand, the Foreign Minister hustles over to the War Department
+and wants to know if they are going to allow him to be insulted in that
+way by a dirty crook like that. On the other hand, if the chief of the
+United States Secret Service gets ahold of a letter from any one of them
+honorary German diplomats who is practically holding down the job of
+Imperial German Consul to the Bronx while drawing the salary of--we
+would say, for example--a New York Supreme Court justice, Mawruss, and
+if the letter says, 'Accept my best wishes for a prosperous and happy
+new year in which my wife joins and remain,' y'understand, that means
+the copper was shipped in pasteboard containers marked:
+
+ PRUNES
+ USE NO HOOKS."
+
+"The German Secret Service certainly fixes up some wonderful cipher
+codes, Abe," Morris said. "Sometimes as much as two hours and a quarter
+passes before a United States Secret Service man gets the right dope on
+one of them code letters."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But most times he don't have no more trouble
+over it than the average business man would with a baseball column,
+which the way every government secret service knows every other
+government's secret service's secrets, Mawruss, it's a wonder to me that
+they don't call the whole thing off by mutual consent, because the only
+difference between government secret services is that some secret
+services is louder than others. Take, for instance, the German Secret
+Service, and there was months and months when this here Dr. Heinrich
+Albert, Captain von Papen and his boy Ed got as much newspaper publicity
+as one of them rotten shows which received such a good notice from the
+cricket of the _Cloak and Suit Gazette_ that the manager thinks it may
+have a chance, y'understand. Why, there wasn't a district messenger-boy
+which couldn't direct you to number Eleven Broadway, where that secret
+service had its head offices, and I would be very much surprised if they
+didn't ship their bombs from number Eleven Broadway, to the steamboat
+docks in covered automobile delivery-wagons with signs painted on 'em:
+
+ Telephone              Battery 2222
+
+ GERMAN SECRET SERVICE
+ 'WE LEAD--OTHERS FOLLOW'
+ 11 Broadway
+
+ Ask about our Special Service plan
+ for furnishing explosives by the month
+
+ AT LOW RATES."
+
+"At the same time, Abe," Morris remarked, "the Germans make things
+pretty secret when they want to, otherwise how could the Kaiser have
+kept that mutiny under his chest for over a couple of months?"
+
+"And you could take it from me, Mawruss," Abe said, "before Michaelis
+let it out in the Reichstag, he might just so well have stopped in at
+the _Lokal Anzeiger_ office on his way down-town and inserted a couple
+of lines or so under the head of 'Situations Wanted Males.'"
+
+"Why, I thought you said a Prime Minister never gets fired," Morris
+said.
+
+"Prime Ministers is one thing and Chancellors another, Mawruss," Abe
+told him.
+
+"Then I imagine this here Michaelis must be putting in a lot of time
+nowadays going over his contract to see if he's got any come-back
+against the party of the first part in case that crook fires him,"
+Morris said.
+
+"Well, he can keep on looking till he finds another job," Abe replied,
+"because the Kaiser is like a lot of other highwaymen in the cutting-up
+trade, Mawruss. To them fellers the first and most important thing about
+a contract is the loopholes, y'understand, and after that's fixed they
+don't care what goes into it, which you take that contract of
+Michaelis's and I bet yer that a police-court lawyer could drive an
+armored tank through them paragraphs which is supposed to hold the
+Kaiser, y'understand, whereas if _Michaelis_ wanted to get out of it,
+Mawruss, he could go to work and hire Messrs. Hughes, Brandeis,
+Stanchfield, Hughes & Stanchfield, supposing there was _Gott soll huten_
+such a firm of lawyers, and they wouldn't be able to find so much as a
+comma out of place for him."
+
+"And as a good German, Abe, Michaelis would be awful disappointed if
+they did," Morris said, "because that's the way the Germans feel toward
+the Kaiser. He robs 'em, he murders 'em, and he starves their wives and
+children to death, just so him and his family could run the country, and
+them poor Heinies says to one another: 'That's the kind of a kaiser to
+have! A big strong man which he don't give a nickel for nobody! He's a
+wonder, all right, and if we didn't have a feller like that at the head
+of the country I don't know how we would be able to stand all the
+trouble that cutthroat and his crook family is causing us--Heaven bless
+them.'"
+
+"The hopeless part of it is," Abe commented, "that there's no way of
+putting a nation of ninety million people in a lunatic asylum, even if
+there was an asylum big enough to hold them, which there ain't,
+Mawruss."
+
+"And as much as you sympathize with a lunatic, you can't have him going
+around loose, Abe," Morris said, "so what are we going to do about it?"
+
+"Well, we're trying hard to shut 'em up in Germany again," Abe declared,
+"and after we've got them there, Mawruss, I am willing to stand my share
+of the expense that the war should go on long enough to give them
+lunatics a little home treatment, y'understand, and by home treatment,
+Mawruss, I mean not only treating the lunatics themselves, but also
+treating their homes," Abe continued, growing red in the face at the
+thought of it, "which I only hope that I live long enough to see a
+moving picture of German homes the same like I seen moving pictures of
+French homes and Belgian homes, and if that don't sweat the Kaiser-mania
+out of their systems they are crazy for keeps."
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON LORDNORTHCLIFFING VERSUS COLONELHOUSING
+
+   While Lord Northcliff is colonelhousing over here, Colonel House is
+   lordnorthcliffing over in England, and the main point about their
+   being where they are is that they ain't where the people are which
+   sent them there.
+
+
+"Well, I see where President Wilson says that women should have the
+right to vote the same like shipping-clerks and bartenders, Mawruss,"
+Abe said, "which it's a funny thing to me the way some people claims
+they never could see that two and two make four till the war comes along
+and gives them a brand-new point of view."
+
+"At that, you've got to give President Wilson credit that it only took a
+war like this here European war to bring him to his senses," Morris
+Perlmutter said, "whereas with Eli U. Root, Abe, it's got to happen yet
+another war twice as big as this one, three more revolutions in
+Russland, and a couple of earthquakes _doch_; before he is even going to
+say, 'Maybe you're right, but that's my opinion and I stick _to_ it.'"
+
+"In a way, Mawruss, Eli U. Root ain't as unreasonable as he looks," Abe
+said. "He says that if the women gets the vote, y'understand, they
+would--"
+
+"Listen, Abe," Morris interrupted, "I don't want to hear what this here
+Root has got to say about _if_ women voted in America, y'understand,
+because over four million women does vote in America, and some of them
+has been voting for years already, and when it comes to talking about
+_ifs_, Abe, _if_ Eli U. Root 'ain't noticed that four million women vote
+in this country where Eli U. Root is supposed to understand the language
+as well as speak it, understand me, what did Mr. Root notice over in
+Russland, where he neither spoke Russian nor understood it, neither?"
+
+"Don't kid yourself, Mawruss," Abe said. "That feller knows just so good
+as you do that there's four million women voting in America; also he
+knows that the women of Colorado, where women vote, don't act no
+different from the women of Pennsylvania, where women don't vote, but
+that's an argument in favor of women voting, whereas Root is arguing
+against it."
+
+"That ain't an argument," Morris protested; "it's a fact."
+
+Abe shrugged his shoulders despairingly.
+
+"What does a first-class A-number-one lawyer like Root care about facts
+if they ain't in his favor?" he asked. "Also, Mawruss, if Mr. Root now
+comes out in favor of women voting, y'understand, that would be a case
+of changing his mind, and you know as well as I do, Mawruss, the real
+brainy fellers of the world never changes their mind."
+
+"Not even when the facts is against them?" Morris asked.
+
+"They don't pay no attention to the facts," Abe said. "You take this
+here Morris Hillkowitz or Hillquit which he is running for mayor of New
+York on the Socialistic ticket, and for years already that feller went
+around saying that it was the people which lived in the
+two-thousand-a-year apartments and owned expensive automobiles which was
+squashing the protelariat, y'understand, and now when it comes out in
+the papers that he is living in a thousand-dollar-a-year apartment and
+running an expensive automobile, Mawruss, does he turn around and say
+that it's all a mistake and that in reality it's the protelariat which
+is squashing the feller with the two-thousand-dollar-a-year apartment
+and expensive automobile? _Oser a St�ck!_"
+
+"Well, it only goes to show that a feller can even make money by being a
+Socialist if he only sticks to it long enough," Morris said.
+
+"At that, he's probably got more sympathy mit the protelariat than he
+ever did, Mawruss, because before he owned an automobile he only
+_suspected_ what them fellers was missing by being poor. Now he
+_knows_."
+
+"And I suppose by the time he is running for President on the
+Socialistic ticket," Morris said, "he'll be owning a steam-yacht and the
+wrongs of the working classes will be pretty near breaking his heart."
+
+"Even so, Mawruss, he won't be changing his mind, and I don't know but
+what he'll be acting wise, too," Abe said, "because when a politician
+gets a reputation for carrying a certain line of stable opinions his
+customers naturally expects that he is going to continue to carry 'em,
+and when he drops that line and lays in a stock of new stuff in the way
+of political ideas, y'understand, his customers leave him and he's got
+to build up his trade over again; and that's no way for a feller to get
+into the steam-yacht class--I don't care if he would be a politician or
+a garment-manufacturer."
+
+"Well, of course, if a feller's opinions is his living, you couldn't
+blame him for not changing 'em," Morris said, "_aber_ this here Root is
+already retired from business, and the chances is that, the way he's got
+his money invested, it wouldn't make no difference _how_ liberal-minded
+he was, the corporations would have to pay the coupons, anyway."
+
+"I know they would," Abe agreed, "but you take some of these Senators
+and Congressmen which they started out before we was at war with Germany
+to show an attractive line of pro-German ideas--that is to say,
+attractive to their regular customers out in Wisconsin and Saint Louis,
+understand me, and people don't figure that them poor fellers has got
+mortgages falling due on 'em next year and boys to put through college.
+For all people knows, Mawruss, this here McLemon which used to make a
+speciality of speeches warning Americans off of ocean steamships was
+supporting half his wife's family and widowed sister that way. The chances
+is that he sees now what a rotten line of argument that was, and he would
+like to switch over and display some snappy nineteen-seventeen-model
+speeches about the freedom of the seas for American sitsons, understand me,
+but you know yourself how it is when your wife has got a large family,
+Mawruss: if one of her sisters ain't having an emergency operation on you,
+it's a case of doing something quick to keep her youngest brother out of
+jail, and either way you are stuck a couple of hundred dollars, so you
+couldn't blame a Congressman who refuses to change his mind and risk
+losing his territory, even if all the rest of the country _is_ calling
+him a regular Benedictine Arnold, y'understand."
+
+"Well, sooner or later some of these big _Machers_ has got to change
+their minds, otherwise the war will never be over," Morris said. "The
+Kaiser has said over and over again that, once having put on her shiny
+armor, y'understand, the Fatherland would never let the sword out of its
+hand till England was finally crushed and _Gott mit uns_, and Lord
+George and Lord Northcliff has said the same thing about Germany
+excepting _Gott mit uns_. Also France in this great hour would never lay
+down the sword, and _we_ would never lay down the sword. Furthermore to
+hear Austria talk, and Kerensky, Venizelos, and the King of Rumania,
+there would be such a continuous demand for swords that it would pay
+Charles N. Schwab and this here Judge Gary to organize the Consolidated
+Sword Company or the United States Sword Corporation with a plant
+covering sixteen acres and an issue of one hundred million dollars
+preferred stock and two hundred and fifty million dollars common stock
+and let the cannon and torpedo business go."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But when the Kaiser says that Germany would
+never stop fighting till her enemies is in the dust, speaking of Germany
+as a she-Fatherland, or till its enemies is in the dust, speaking of
+Germany as an it-Fatherland, Mawruss, if you was a mind-reader, Mawruss,
+you would see 'way back in the rear of his brain one of them railroad
+time-table signs: _(GG) Will stop daily after January first,
+nineteen-nineteen_."
+
+"I hope you are right, Abe," Morris commented, "but I see where this
+here Lord Northcliff says that the war is really just beginning, and so
+far as I can discover that goes without foot-notes or notices that care
+is taken to have same correct, but the company will not be responsible
+for delays or for errors in the printing, y'understand."
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," Abe said, "I don't know nothing about this here
+Lord Northcliff. I admit also that I don't know what his standing as a
+lord is or when he joined. In fact, I don't even know what a lord has to
+pay for initiation fees and annual dues, let alone what sick benefit he
+draws and what they pay to the widow in case a lord dies, understand me,
+but I don't care if this here Northcliff, instead of a lord, was an Elk
+or an Odd Fellow, y'understand, he can't tell when this war is going to
+end no more than I can."
+
+"But I understand this here Northcliff is an awful smart feller, Abe,"
+Morris said. "He owns already a couple dozen newspapers in the old
+country, and if he wouldn't have the right dope on this here war, I
+don't know who would."
+
+"Say!" Abe protested. "Nobody could get the right dope about this war
+out of any newspaper, even if he owned it, Mawruss, because you know as
+well as I do, Mawruss, if the City Edition says the Germans is starving,
+y'understand, and couldn't last through the winter, understand me, that
+ain't no guarantee that they wouldn't be getting plenty of food in the
+Home Edition and starving again in the Five-star Final Sporting Extra
+with Complete Wall Street, Mawruss, so the way I figure it is that this
+here Northcliff has got the idea that if he tells us the war is only
+beginning we are going to brace up, and if he says the chances is the
+war would last twenty years yet and that half the world would be down
+and out with starvation and sickness before it is finished up,
+y'understand, we are going to say: 'This is _great_. We must get in on
+this.'"
+
+"Maybe that's the way they get results in the newspaper business, Abe,"
+Morris remarked, "but in the garment business, if I am trying to turn
+out a big order, y'understand, I tell the operators that the quicker
+they get through the sooner they will be finished, y'understand, and I
+make a point of saying that they are practically on the home stretcher
+even if they are just beginning."
+
+"That ain't such a bad plan, neither," Abe admitted, "but there should
+ought to be some way to strike an average between your ideas for hurrying
+up and this you-would-be-all-right-if-blood-poisoning-don't-set-in
+encouragement of Lord Northcliff's, Mawruss, so that we wouldn't think
+we'd got too easy a job, but at the same time we wouldn't feel like
+throwing away the sponge, neither."
+
+"I think he means well, _anyhow_," Morris said, "which he is trying to
+tell us that we shouldn't think we've got such a cinch as all that;
+because you know it used to was before this war started, Abe. Every once
+in a while at a lodge meeting some Grand Army man, who was also, we
+would say, for example, in the pants business, would get up and make a
+speech that if this great and glorious land of ours was to be threatened
+with an invasion by any foreign king or potentate, y'understand, an army
+of a million soldiers would spring up overnight, and all his lodge
+brothers would say ain't it wonderful how an old man like that stays as
+bright as a dollar, y'understand. _But_, just let the same feller get up
+and make a speech that if the pants business was to be threatened with a
+strike by any foreign or domestic walking-delegate, understand me, an
+army of a million pants-operators would spring up overnight,
+y'understand, and before he had a chance to sit down even them same
+lodge brothers would have rung for a Bellevue ambulance and passed
+resolutions of sympathy for his family. And yet, Abe, a learner on pants
+becomes an expert in six days, whereas it takes six months at the very
+least to train a soldier."
+
+"That's why Lord Northcliff is making all them discouraging speeches,"
+Abe said. "He's a business man, Mawruss, and he appreciates that we are
+up against a tough business proposition."
+
+"But what I don't understand is: where does Lord Northcliff come in to
+be neglecting his newspapers the way he does?" Morris said. "Is he an
+ambassador or something?"
+
+"Well, for that matter," Abe retorted, "where does Colonel House come in
+to be neglecting the cloth-sponging business or whatever business the
+Colonel is in? It's a stand-off, Mawruss. While Lord Northcliff is
+colonelhousing over here, Colonel House is lordnorthcliffing over in
+England, and just exactly what that _is_, Mawruss, I don't know, but I
+got a strong suspicion that the main point about their being where they
+are is that they ain't where the people are which sent them there, if
+you understand what I mean."
+
+"And I bet they both feel flattered at that," Morris concluded.
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON NATIONAL MUSIC AND NATIONAL CURRENCY
+
+   Some people wouldn't care what they said, just so long as they could
+   give the impression that they was regular sharks when it come to
+   music, but what kind of impression they gave when it come to
+   patriotism and common sense, such people don't give a nickel.
+
+
+"It seems that this here Doctor Muck wouldn't play the national anthem,
+Mawruss, because he found it was inartistic," Abe Potash said as he
+turned to the editorial page of his daily paper.
+
+"Well, how did he find the national currency, Abe?" Morris Perlmutter
+inquired. "Also inartistic?"
+
+"He didn't say," Abe replied. "But a statement was given out by Major
+Higginson that--"
+
+"Who's Major Higginson?" Morris asked.
+
+"He's the feller that owns the Boston Symphony Orchestra which this here
+Doctor Muck is the conductor of it," Abe replied.
+
+"That must be an elegant orchestra, Abe," Morris commented. "A major is
+running it and a doctor is conducting it. I suppose they've got working
+for them as fiddlers a lot of attorneys and counselors at law, and the
+chances is that if a feller was to come there looking for a job
+operating a trombone on account he had had experience as a practical
+tromboner with the New York Philharmonics, y'understand, they would
+probably turn him down unless he could show a diploma from a recognized
+school of pharmacy."
+
+"For all I know, they might insist on having a certified public
+accountant, Mawruss," Abe said, "but he would have to be a shark on the
+trombone, anyway, because I understand this here Doctor Muck and Major
+Higginson run a high-class orchestra."
+
+"Well, it only goes to show that you don't got to got a whole lot of
+common sense to run a high-grade orchestra, Abe," Morris retorted,
+"which if I would be a German doctor stranded in Boston, y'understand,
+and I had to _Gott soll huten_ conduct an orchestra for a living, I
+would consider to myself that there ain't many Americans in or out of
+the medical profession conducting orchestras over in Germany just now
+which is refusing to play '_Die Wacht am Rhein_' or '_Heil im der
+Siegerkranz_' on artistic grounds and getting away with it. Furthermore,
+Abe, Doctor Muck should ought to figure that no matter if he was running
+the highest-grade orchestra in existence or anyhow in the state of
+Massachusetts, y'understand, and if nobody pays for a ticket to hear it,
+what _is_ it? Am I right or wrong?"
+
+"He probably thought there was enough Americans crazy about music to
+make his orchestra pay even if he did insult them, Mawruss," Abe said,
+"because you know as well as I do, Mawruss, there was a lot of sympathy
+shown by Americans to them German singers which got fired at the
+Metropolitan Opera House for insulting Americans or being pro-German. It
+seems that one of them made up a funny song about the sinking of the
+_Lusitania_, and some of the Americans which heard him sing it said that
+the tone production was wonderful, and that such a really remarkable
+breath control, y'understand, they hadn't heard it since Adelina Patti
+in her palmiest days, and I bet yer if Doctor Muck was to take that song
+and set it to music so as the Boston Symphony Orchestra could play it
+them same people and plenty like them would say that the wood wind was
+this, the strings was that, and something about the coda and the
+obbligato, y'understand. In fact, Mawruss, they wouldn't care what they
+said, just so long as they could give the impression that they was
+regular sharks when it come to music, but what kind of impression they
+gave when it come to patriotism and common sense, such people seemingly
+don't give a nickel.
+
+"Why, you take this here lady singer at the Metropolitan Opera House,"
+Abe continued, "which her husband was agent for the Krupp Manufacturing
+Company, and when she got fired, y'understand, it looked like some of
+these here breath-control and tone-production experts was going to hold
+a meeting and regularly move and second that a copy of the said
+resolutions suitably engrossed be transmitted to her, care of Krupp
+Manufacturing Company, Twenty forty-two, four six, and eight Buelow
+Boulevard, Essen, on account she had been working for the Metropolitan
+Opera House for pretty near twenty years, which the way some of them
+singers goes on singing year after year at the Metropolitan Opera House,
+Mawruss, sometimes you couldn't tell whether the Metropolitan Opera
+House was an opera-house or a home, y'understand."
+
+"That's neither here nor there, Abe," Morris said. "There ain't no
+reason to my mind why the Metropolitan Opera House shouldn't ought to
+hire ladies whose husbands is working for American concerns or is out of
+a job, y'understand, and also it wouldn't be a bad idea to see that some
+of them barytones and bassos which was formerly sending home every week
+from two to five hundred dollars apiece to the old folks in
+Charlottenburg and Wilmersdorf, y'understand, give up their places to a
+few native-born fellers who contributed to the first and second Liberty
+Loans, understand me, and ain't supporting a relation in the world."
+
+"But the point which them coda and obbligato fans make is that if a
+feller like this here Captain Kreisler of the Austrian army is the best
+fiddler in existence, y'understand, it's up to us Americans to pay two
+dollars and fifty cents a throw, not including war tax, to hear him
+fiddle, and that we shouldn't ought to got no _Rishus_ against him even
+if he would be only over here on a leave of absence dating from January
+first, nineteen fifteen, up to and including seven hundred and fifty
+thousand dollars," Abe said, "because it is claimed that the best
+fiddlers in the world and the best conductors in the world don't belong
+to any country. They are international."
+
+"Maybe they are, Abe," Morris agreed, "but the money which they earn
+belongs to the country in which they spend it, understand me, which my
+idea is that these are war-times, and if the ordinary people is willing
+to take their wheat bread with a little potato flour in it, them
+big-league music fans should ought to be willing to take their
+fiddle-playing with a few sour notes in it, so if the best fiddler in
+the world is an Austrian who spends his money at home, y'understand,
+they should ought to be contented with the next best one, and if he is
+also an Austrian or a German let them work on right straight down the
+line till they find one who ain't, because trading with the enemy is
+trading with the enemy, whether you are trading with a German fiddler or
+a German fish-dealer, and if you are going to hand over money to Germany
+it don't make much difference if you do it in the name of art or in the
+name of fish."
+
+"Well, you couldn't exactly feel the same way about an artist with his
+art as you could about a fish-dealer with his fish," Abe protested.
+
+"I didn't say you could," Morris said. "I've got every respect for this
+here Kreisler as a feller which plays something elegant on the fiddle,
+but at the same time he has had himself extensively advertised with
+pictures the same like King C. Gillette and William L. Douglas, and
+that's probably what made him, Abe, because it's pretty safe to say that
+if you could by any possibility induce and persuade them people which is
+hollering about art being international and Kreisler being the best
+fiddler in existence, y'understand, to go and hear Kreisler at a concert
+where under the name of Harris Fine and wearing false whiskers he was
+playing a program consisting principally of Rabinowitz's Concerto in G,
+Opus number Two fifty-six B, y'understand, they would come away saying
+it was awful rotten even for an amateur and that you should ought to
+hear Kreisler play Rabinowitz's Concerto in G, Opus number Two fifty-six
+B, and then you would know how that feller Harris Fine murdered it. So
+that's why I say, Abe, that advertised art comes under the head of
+merchandise, and I ain't so sure that the artist who advertises ain't
+just as much of a business man as we would say, for example, a
+fish-dealer."
+
+"Well, there's one thing about this here trouble with the Boston
+Symphony Orchestra, Mawruss," Abe said: "it has put Boston on the map
+for a few days, which the way New York people is acting about electing a
+mayor in New York City, y'understand, you would think that New York,
+England, France, and Italy was fighting Germany and Austria, and that if
+the mayor of New York said so, the war would go on or stop, as the case
+might be, and otherwise not."
+
+"You couldn't blame New York at that," Morris said. "People out in
+Seattle which has never been no nearer New York as Fall City, Wash., or
+Snoqualmie, goes round singing 'Take Me Back to New York Town' _oder_
+'Give My Regards to Broadway,' and young ladies living in Saint Louis,
+which is a good-sized city, y'understand, reads in a magazine printed in
+Chicago--_also_ a good-sized city--story after story which has got to do
+with a wealthy New York clubman, or a poor New York working-girl, or a
+beautiful New York actress, while the advertising section has got
+pictures by the hundreds of automobiles, ready-made clothing, vacuum
+cleaners, beds and bedding, health underwear, and cash-registers, and
+all of them are fixed up with the Grand Central Depot across the street
+or the Public Library showing through a window or, anyhow, the Flatiron
+Building and Madison Square Garden not half a column away, y'understand.
+Also there is a New York store in every village and a New York letter in
+every newspaper, and one way or another you would think that the whole
+United States was trying to prove to New York that it was as important
+as New York has for a long time already suspected."
+
+"Well, ain't it?" Abe asked.
+
+"It couldn't be," Morris replied. "Take, for instance, this here
+election for mayor, and the way the New York papers talked about it you
+would think the Kaiser says to Hindenberg: 'Listen, Max, don't ship no
+more soldiers nowheres till we hear how things are breaking for
+Hillkowitz in New York,' or maybe he said Mitchel or Hylan--you couldn't
+tell, and Hindenberg says, 'But I understand Mitchel is pretty strong up
+in the Twenty-third Assembly District in certain parts of the Bronix, so
+I think, Chief, it might be a good idea to have a couple of dozen
+divisions of artillery sent to Dvinsk and Riga.' But the Kaiser says:
+'Now do as I tell you, Max. I got a wireless from Mexico that Hillkowitz
+will carry three hundred and nine out of four hundred and thirteen
+election districts in the Borough of Richmond alone.' And Hindenberg
+says: 'Where did they get _that_ dope? I tell you they don't know
+nothing but Hylan down on Staten Island, and if you take _my_ advice,
+Chief, you'll 'phone Ludendorff to hold the Siegfried line, the
+Lohengrin line, the Trovatore line, the Travvyayter line, the Bohemian
+Girl line, and all the other lines from A�da to Zampa, because in my
+opinion Mitchel has a walk-over.'"
+
+"That's where they both made a mistake," Abe commented, "because it was
+a landslide for Hylan."
+
+"_Yow_ they was mistaken," Morris said. "Do you suppose for one moment
+that the Kaiser had got so much as an inkling that they were going to
+elect a mayor in New York? _Oser!_ And with this here Hindenberg, you
+could tell from the feller's face that for all he understands about the
+English language, Abe, the word _mayor_ don't exist at all. As for the
+way they choose a mayor in America, that _grobe Kerl_ couldn't tell you
+whether they _elect_ a mayor, _appoint_ a mayor, or _cut_ for a
+mayor--aces low. And that's the way it goes in New York, Abe. They think
+that the whole of Europe is watching with palpitations of the heart to
+see who is going to be elected mayor of New York, and they never stop to
+figure that there ain't six persons out of the six millions in New York
+which could tell you the name of the mayor of London, Paris, Berlin,
+Vienna, St. Petersburg, or, for that matter, Yonkers or Jersey City."
+
+"From the mayor which they finally chose in New York, Mawruss," Abe
+commented, "a feller needn't got to be so terribly ignorant as all that
+to suppose that not only did the people of New York, instead of voting
+for mayor, _cut_ for him, aces low, y'understand, but that they also
+turned up the ace."
+
+"They turned up what they wanted to turn up, Abe," Morris said, "which
+the way the people of New York City elects Tammany Hall every few years,
+Abe, it makes you think that everybody should have a vote, except
+convicts, idiots, minors, Indians not taxed, and people that live in New
+York City."
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON REVOLUTIONIZING THE REVOLUTION BUSINESS
+
+   If Kerensky would have had experience as a traveling salesman it
+   wouldn't hurt him to be spending his entire time commuting between
+   Moscow and Petersburg.
+
+
+"What they want to do in Russland," Abe Potash declared, one morning in
+November, "is to have one last revolution, and stick _to_ it."
+
+"It ain't Russia which is having them revolutions," Morris Perlmutter
+observed. "It's the Russian revolutionists. Them boys have been standing
+around doing nothing for years, Abe, in fact ever since nineteen five,
+and now that they got a job they figure that why should they finish it
+up, because revolutionists' work is piece-work, and just so soon as a
+revolution is over, as a general thing, the revolutionists gets laid
+off--up against a wall at sunrise."
+
+"Well, them boys is certainly nursing their job this time, Mawruss," Abe
+continued. "The way them fellers is acting up over there it wouldn't
+surprise me a bit if most of the Russian merchants would move to
+Mexico, so as they could carry on their business in peace and quietness,
+y'understand. What the idea of all these here revolutions is I don't
+know. They've got the Czar living in a cold-water walk-up, and you could
+go the length and breadth of Russia with a ballet-dancer as a decoy
+without running across so much as one grand duke peeking through the
+window-blinds, y'understand. So what more do them Russians want?"
+
+"For one thing," Morris explained, "the peasants insists that all the
+land in Russland should be divided up between them."
+
+"What for?" Abe asked.
+
+"They probably see a chance to get a little real estate free of charge,"
+Morris replied.
+
+"_Aber_ what good would that do them?" Abe said. "Because in a country
+where revolutions is liable to happen every day in the week except
+Saturdays from nine to twelve-thirty, y'understand, there ain't much
+market for real estate, and, besides, Mawruss, if them poor peasants
+only knew what a dawg's life it is in the real-estate business,
+understand me, even when times is good, they would of got such
+_Rachmonos_ for the Czar with his twenty-two million five hundred and
+forty-three thousand two hundred and twenty-nine versts of unimproved
+property, that instead of getting up a revolution, they would of got up
+a meeting and passed resolutions of sympathy."
+
+"The chances is they would of done it, anyway, if it wouldn't been for
+this here Kerensky," Morris declared. "What that feller don't know
+about running a revolution, Abe, if Carranza, Villa, and Huerta would
+have known it, they would have had two years ago already a chain of
+five-and-ten-cent revolutions doing a good business all the way from the
+Rio Grande to Cape Horn. Yes, Abe, compared with a boss revolutionist
+like Kerensky, y'understand, these here Mexican revolutionists is just,
+so to speak, _learners_ on revolutionists."
+
+"Then if that's the case, Mawruss, how does it come that one after
+another, Korniloff, Lenine, and Trotzky, practically puts this here
+Kerensky out of business as a revolutionist?" Abe asked.
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," Morris said. "A feller which is running a
+revolution in Russland has not only got to got nerve, y'understand, but
+he's also got to be able to stand very long hours. Also it is necessary
+for him to do a whole lot of traveling, because no sooner does such a
+feller set up his government in Petersburg, y'understand, than the
+Petersburg Local Number One of the Amalgamated Workingmen's and
+Soldiers' Union is liable to chase him and his government all the way to
+Moscow, y'understand, and hardly does he get busy in Moscow, understand
+me, than he gets in bad with the Moscow Local Number One of the same
+union, and so on vice versa. In fact, in a couple of weeks he's liable
+to be vice-versad that way a half a dozen times, which if Kerensky would
+have had experience as a traveling salesman, Abe, it wouldn't hurt him
+to be practically spending his entire time commuting between Moscow and
+Petersburg, but before this here Kerensky became a revolutionist he used
+to was in the law business, and besides he enjoys very poor health and
+is liable to die any moment."
+
+"What's the matter with him?" Abe asked.
+
+"I understand he's got kidney trouble," Morris replied.
+
+"Well, if that feller would get an opportunity to die of kidney trouble,
+Mawruss, he should ought to take advantage of it," Abe commented,
+"because if you was to look up in the files of the Petersburg Department
+of Health what is the figures on the cause of death in the case of
+revolutionists, Mawruss, you would probably find something like this:
+
+ Explosions                            91.31416%
+ Gun-shot wounds, including revolvers,
+   air-rifles, machine-guns, cannons,
+   armored tanks, torpedoes, and
+   unclassified                         8.99999
+ Knife wounds, including razors, cold
+   chisels, pickaxes, and cloth and grass
+   cutting apparatus                    0.563
+ Natural causes, including hardening of
+   the arteries                         a trace."
+
+"What do you mean--natural causes?" Morris said. "When a revolutionist
+dies a natural death, it's a pure accident."
+
+"Did I say it wasn't?" Abe said. "But at the same time some Russian
+revolutionists lives longer than others, because being a Russian
+revolutionist is more or less a matter of training. Take this here
+feller which is now conducting the Russian revolution under the name of
+Trotzky, and used to was conducting a New York trolley-car under the
+name of Braunstein, y'understand, and when the time comes--which it
+_will_ come--when his offices will be surrounded by a mob of a hundred
+thousand Russian working-men and soldiers, understand me, all that this
+here Trotzky _alias_ Braunstein will do is to shout '_Fares, please_,'
+and he'll go through that crowd of working-men like a--well, like a New
+York trolley-car conductor going through a crowd of working-men."
+
+"From what is happening in Mexico and Russia," Morris observed, "it
+seems that when a country gets a revolution on its hands it's like a
+feller with a boil on his neck. He's going to keep on having them until
+he gets 'em entirely out of his system."
+
+"Well, Russia has had such an awful siege of them," Abe said, "that you
+would think she was immune by this time."
+
+"It's the freedom breaking out on her," Morris said.
+
+"It seems, however," said Abe, "that in Russia there are as many kinds
+of freedom as there are fellers that want a job running a revolution.
+There was the Kerensky brand of freedom which was quite popular for a
+while; then Korniloff tried to market another brand of freedom and made
+a failure of it, and now Trotzky and Lenine are putting out the T. and
+L. Brand of Self-rising Freedom in red packages, and seem to be doing
+quite a good business, too."
+
+"Sure I know," Morris agreed. "But you would think that freedom was
+freedom and that there could be no arguments about it, so why the devil
+do them poor Russian working-men go on fighting each other, Abe?"
+
+"They want an immediate peace with Germany," Abe said, "and the way it
+looks now, they would still be fighting each other for an immediate
+peace with Germany ten years after the war is over, because if them
+Russian working-men was to get an immediate peace _immediately_,
+Mawruss, they would have to go to work again, and you know as well as I
+do, Mawruss, the very last thing that a Russian working-man thinks of,
+y'understand, is working."
+
+"Well in a way, you couldn't blame the Russians for what is going on in
+Russland, Abe," Morris said. "For years already the Socialists has been
+telling them poor _Nebiches_ what a rotten time the working-men had
+_before_ the social revolution, y'understand, and what a good time the
+working-man is going to have _after_ the social revolution, understand
+me, but what kind of a time the working-man would have _during_ the
+social revolution, THAT the Socialists left for them poor Russians to
+find out for themselves, and when those working-men who come through it
+alive begin to figure the profit and loss on the transaction, Abe, the
+whole past life of one of those Socialist leaders is going to flash
+before his eyes just before the drop falls, y'understand, and one of
+his pleasantest recollections--if you can call recollections pleasant on
+such an occasion--will be the happy days he spent knocking down fares on
+the Third and Amsterdam Avenue cars."
+
+"Then I take it you 'ain't got a whole lot of sympathy for the
+Socialists, Mawruss," Abe said.
+
+"Not since when I was a greenhorn I used to work at buttonhole-making,
+and I heard a Socialist feller on East Houston Street hollering that
+under a socialistic system the laborer would get the whole fruits of his
+labor," Morris said. "Pretty near all that night I lay awake figuring to
+myself that if I could make twelve buttonholes every ten minutes, which
+would be seventy-two buttonholes an hour or seven hundred and twenty
+buttonholes a day, Abe, how many buttonholes would I have in a year
+under a socialistic system, and after I had them, what would I do with
+them? The consequence was, I overslept myself and came down late to the
+shop next morning, and it was more than two days before I found another
+job."
+
+"Well, that ain't much of an argument against socialism," Abe remarked.
+
+"Not to most people it wouldn't be, but it was an awful good argument to
+me, and I really think it saved me from becoming a Socialist," Morris
+said.
+
+"You a Socialist!" Abe exclaimed. "How could a feller like you become a
+Socialist? I belong to the same lodge with you now for ten years, and in
+all that time you've never had nerve enough to get up and say even so
+much as '_I second the motion_.'"
+
+"But there are two classes of Socialists, Abe--talkers and the
+listeners, and while I admit the talkers are in the big majority, the
+work of the listeners is just so important. They are the fellers which
+try out the ideas of the talkers, the only difference being that while
+such talkers as Herr Liebknecht and Rosa Luxembourg gets a lot of
+publicity out of going to jail for handing out socialistic ideas,
+y'understand, the funerals which the listeners get for trying such ideas
+out are very, very private."
+
+"At that, them talking Socialists which is taking shifts with each other
+in running the Russian government must be putting in a pretty busy time,
+Mawruss, because there's a whole lot of detail to such a job, and while
+past experience as a street-car conductor may give the necessary
+endurance, it don't help out much when it comes to systematizing the
+day's work of a Russian dictator. For instance, we would say that he
+goes into office at nine o'clock with the help of the One Hundred and
+First Kazan Regiment, six companies of Cossacks, and the Tenth Poltava
+Separate Company of Machine-Gunners. After making a socialistic address
+to the survivors he washes off the blood and puts on a clean collar, or,
+in the case of a Bolsheviki dictator, he only washes off the blood.
+
+"The next thing on the program is to ring up a few flag and bunting
+concerns and ask for representatives to call about taking an order for a
+few national flags. They arrive half an hour later, and after making a
+socialistic address, y'understand, he picks out a design for immediate
+delivery, because even a few hours' delay will make a design for a
+Russian national flag as big a sticker as a nineteen-ten-model runabout.
+
+"When he's got the flag off his mind he next interviews the Russian
+composers, Glazounow, Borodine, Arensky, and Scriabine, and after making
+a socialistic address he invites them they should submit a new national
+anthem, the only requirements being that it should contain a reference
+to the fact that under the old competitive system the working-man did
+not receive the whole fruits of his labor, and that delivery should be
+made not later than twelve-thirty P.M. He then goes over to the mint to
+decide upon models for a new gold coinage and to confiscate as much of
+the old one as they have on hand. After making a socialistic address to
+the director of the mint and his staff, y'understand, he agrees that the
+old, clean-shaven Kerensky designs shall be altered by adding whiskers,
+because you know as well as I do, Mawruss, when it comes to the portrait
+on a gold coin, nobody is going to take it so particular about the
+likeness not being so good as long as it ain't plugged.
+
+"He then goes back to his office and prepares a socialistic address to
+be delivered to the duma, a socialistic address to be delivered to the
+army, and three or four more socialistic addresses with the names in
+blank for use in case of emergency," Abe continued, "and so one way or
+another he is kept busy right up to the time when word comes that his
+successor has just left Tsarskoe-Seloe with the Thirty-second
+Nijni-Novgorod Infantry and a regiment composed of contingents from the
+Ladies' Aid Society of the First Universalist Church of Minsk, Daughters
+of the Revolution of Nineteen five, the Y.W.H.A., and the Women's City
+Club of Odessa. Twenty minutes later he is on board a boat bound for
+Sweden, and after looking up the _Ganeves_ in his state-room he comes up
+on deck and spends the rest of the trip making socialistic addresses to
+the crew, the passengers, and the cargo."
+
+"Having to go and live in Sweden ain't such a pleasant fate, neither,"
+Morris observed.
+
+"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "There's only one thing that a Russian
+revolutionary dictator really and truly worries about."
+
+"What is that?" Morris said.
+
+"Losing his voice," Abe said.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE SUGAR QUESTION
+
+   One lump, or two, please?
+
+
+"Ain't it terrible the way you couldn't buy no sugar in New York,
+nowadays, Mawruss?" Abe Potash said, one morning in November.
+
+"Let the people _not_ eat sugar," Morris Perlmutter declared. "These are
+war-times, Abe."
+
+"Suppose they are war-times," Abe retorted, "must everybody act like
+they had diabetes? Sugar is just so much a food as butter and milk and
+_gefullte Rinderbrust_."
+
+"I know it is," Morris agreed, "but most people eat it because it's
+sweet, and they like it."
+
+"Then it's your idea that on account of the war people should eat only
+them foods which they don't like?" Abe inquired.
+
+"That ain't _my_ idea, Abe," Morris protested; "I got it from reading
+letters to the editors written by Pro Bono Publicos and other fellers
+which is taking advantage of the only opportunity they will ever have to
+figure in the newspapers outside of the births, marriages, and deaths,
+y'understand. Them fellers all insist that until the war is over
+everything in the way of sweetening should be left out of American life,
+and some of 'em even go so far as to claim that we should ought to swear
+off pepper and salt also. Their idea is that until we lick the Germans
+the American people should leave off going to the theayter, riding in
+automobiles, playing golluf, baseball, and auction pinochle, and reading
+magazines and story-books, y'understand. In fact, they say that the
+American people should devote themselves to their business, but what
+business the fellers which is in the show business, the automobile
+business, and the magazine-publishing business should devote themselves
+to don't seem to of occurred to these here Pro Bono Publicos at all."
+
+"I guess them newspaper-letter writers which is trying to beat out their
+own funeral notices must of got their dope from this here Frank J.
+Vanderlip," Abe commented, "which I read it somewheres that he comes out
+with a brogan that a dollar spent for unnecessary things is an
+unpatriotic dollar."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said, "but he left it to the spender's judgment
+as to what was necessary and what was unnecessary, Abe, which even
+President Wilson himself finds it necessary once in a while to go to a
+theayter in order to forget the way them Pro Bono Publicos is nagging at
+him, morning, noon, and night."
+
+"But the country must got to get very busy if we expect to win,
+Mawruss," Abe said, "and them Pro Bonos thinks it's up to them to make
+the people realize what a serious proposition we've got on our hands."
+
+"That's all right, too," Morris agreed, "but it would be a whole lot
+more serious if the people become _Meshuggah_ from melancholia before we
+got half-way through with the war. Even when times is prosperous only a
+very few of the _Leute_ takes more amusement than is necessary for 'em,
+Abe, and that's why I say that this here Frank J. Vanderlip knew what he
+was talking about when he didn't say what things was unnecessary. For
+instance, Abe, if a Pro Bono Publico, on account of the war, cuts out
+taking a summer vacation for a couple of hundred dollars, and in
+consequence gets a breakdown from overwork and has to spend five hundred
+dollars for doctor bills, all you've got to do is to strike a balance
+and you can see for yourself that he has spent three hundred unnecessary
+unpatriotic dollars."
+
+"Well, doctors has got to have money to buy Liberty Bonds with the same
+like anybody else, Mawruss," Abe commented.
+
+"I know they have," Morris agreed, "and that's why I say the great
+mistake which these here Pro Bonos makes is that the war is going to be
+fought only with the money which is saved, whereas if them boys had any
+experience collecting for an orphan asylum or a hospital, Abe, they
+would know that it ain't the tight-wads which come across. Yes, Abe, you
+could take it from me, the very people which is cutting out theayters,
+automobile rides, and auction pinochle for the duration of the war would
+think twice before they invest the money they save that way in anything
+which don't bear interest at the rate of six per cent. per annum."
+
+"You may be right, Mawruss," Abe said, "but arguments about how to
+finance the war is like double-faced twelve-inch phonograph records.
+There's a good deal to be said on both sides, which it looks like a dead
+open-and-shut proposition to me that people couldn't buy no Liberty
+Bonds with the money they spend for theayter tickets."
+
+"But the feller which runs the theayter could, and he must also got to
+pay the government a tax on the money which he gets that way," Morris
+retorted.
+
+"But how about the money which the theayter-owner must got to pay in
+wages to actors, play-writers, ushers, and the _Rosher_ which sells
+tickets in the box-office?" Abe argued.
+
+"Well, how are all them loafers going to buy Liberty Bonds if they
+wouldn't get their money that way?" Morris asked. "So you see how it is,
+Abe: the feller which saves all his money for the duration of the war
+ain't such a big _Tzaddik_ as you would think, because even if he
+invests the whole thing in Liberty Bonds, which he ain't likely to do,
+all he gets for his money is Liberty Bonds, and at the same time he is
+helping to ruin a lot of business men and throw their employees out of
+their jobs, and incidentally he is also doing the best he knows how to
+make the whole country sick and tired of the war. _Aber_ you take one of
+them fellers which goes once in a while to the theayter for the duration
+of the war, y'understand, and indirectly he is handing the government
+just so much money as the tight-wad, the only difference being that the
+government ain't paying him no interest on it, and he is also helping to
+keep the show business going and to pay the wages of the actors and all
+them other low-lives which makes a living out of the show business."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But how is the government going to get men
+for the ammunition-factories if they are busy making automobiles for
+joy-riding _oder_ fooling away their time as actors, Mawruss?"
+
+"That is up to the government and not to the Pro Bono Publicos," Morris
+declared, "which if the theayters has got to be closed, Abe, I would a
+whole lot sooner have it done by the government as by a bunch of Pro
+Bono Publicos, which not only never goes to the theayter _anyway_, but
+also gets more pleasure from seeing their foolishness printed in the
+newspaper than you or I would from seeing the Follies of nineteen
+seventeen to nineteen fifty inclusive."
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss," Abe said, "admitting that all which you
+say is true, y'understand, I seen a whole lot of fellers which is
+working as actors during the past few years, Mawruss, and with the
+exception of six, may be, it would _oser_ do the show business any harm
+_if_ them fellers was to become operators on pants, let alone
+ammunition. It's the same way with the automobile business also. If
+seventy-five per cent. of the people which runs automobiles was
+compelled to give them up to-morrow, Mawruss, the thing they would miss
+most of all would be the bills from the repair-shop robbers. So that's
+the way it goes, Mawruss. It don't make no difference what a Pro Bono
+Publico writes to the newspaper, y'understand, he couldn't do a
+hundredth part as much to make people cut out going to the theayter for
+the duration of the war as the feller in the show business does when he
+puts on a rotten show. Also Mr. Vanderlip has got a good line of talk
+about Americans acting economical, y'understand, but he's practically
+encouraging the people that they should throw away their money left and
+right on automobiles, compared to some of them automobile-manufacturers
+which depends upon their repair departments for their profits."
+
+"I understand that right now, Abe, the automobile business is falling
+off something terrible," Morris continued, "and the show business also."
+
+"Sure it is," Abe said, "because so soon as the government put taxes on
+theayter tickets and automobiles, Mawruss, the people was bound to
+figure it out that it was bad enough they should got to pay taxes on
+their assets without being soaked ten per cent. on their liabilities
+also. And if I would be a Pro Bono Publico which, _Gott sei dank_, I
+couldn't write good enough English to break into the newspapers,
+Mawruss, the argument I would make is that people should leave off being
+suckers for the duration of the war, and the whole matter of spending
+money foolishly on theayter tickets and automobiles would adjust itself
+without any assistance from the government, y'understand."
+
+"Well, everything else failing, them automobile-dealers and
+theayter-owners could get up a war bazaar for themselves," Morris
+suggested, "which I seen it the other day in the papers where they run
+off a war bazaar in New York and raised over seventy thousand dollars
+for some fellers in the advertising business."
+
+"Has the advertising business also been affected by the war?" Abe asked.
+
+"The business of _some_ advertising agents has," replied Morris, "which
+it seems that the standard rates for advertising agents who solicited
+advertisements for war-bazaar programs was any sum realized by the
+bazaar over and above one-tenth of one per cent. of the net proceeds,
+which the advertising men agreed should be devoted to wounded American
+soldiers or starving Belgiums, according to the name of the bazaar."
+
+"Maybe them advertising agents earned their money at that, Mawruss," Abe
+said, "which the average advertising solicitor would need to do a whole
+lot of talking before he could convince me that an advertisement in a
+war-bazaar program has got any draught to speak about, because you take
+a feller in the pants business, y'understand, and if he would get an
+order for one-twelfth dozen pants out of all the advertisements which he
+would stick in war-bazaar programs from the beginning of the war up to
+the time when running a war bazaar first offense is going to be the
+equivalence of not less than from five to ten years, understand me, it
+would be big already."
+
+"At the same time," Morris protested, "if people is foolish enough to
+blow in their money advertising by war-bazaar programs, Abe, it don't
+seem unreasonable to me that the advertising agents and the starving
+Belgiums should go fifty-fifty on the proceeds, and the way it looks
+now, Abe, the New York grand jury is going to agree with me after they
+get through investigating the bills for advertising in connection with
+the army and navy bazaars."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But why should the grand jury investigate
+only the advertising? Why don't a grand-juryman for once in his life do
+a little something to earn his salary and investigate what becomes of
+the articles which young ladies sells chances on at war bazaars? It
+would also be a slight satisfaction for them easy marks which
+contributes merchandise to a war bazaar if the grand jury could send out
+tracers after the goods which remained in stock when the bazaar was
+officially declared closed by the parties named in the indictment."
+
+"What do you think--a New York grand jury has got nothing else to
+investigate for the rest of the twentieth century except one war
+bazaar?" Morris inquired. "The way you talk you would think that they
+had nothing better to do with their time than the people which goes to
+war bazaars, which the reason why them advertising men went wrong was
+that they were practically encouraged to run crooked war bazaars by the
+hundreds of thousands of people who wouldn't loosen up for charity
+unless they could get something for their money besides the good they
+are doing."
+
+"Well, that only goes to show how one minute you argue one way, and the
+next you say something entirely different again," Abe said.
+
+"Is that so?" Morris exclaimed. "Well, so far as I could see, Abe, you
+ain't on a strict diet, neither, when it comes to eating your own
+words."
+
+"Maybe I ain't," Abe admitted, "but it seems to me that people might
+just so well pass on their money to the Red Cross through war bazaars as
+pass it on to the government through buying theayter tickets the way you
+argued a few minutes since."
+
+"The Red Cross is one thing and the government another," Morris
+retorted. "If people spend money at a war bazaar maybe one per cent. of
+it reaches the Red Cross and maybe it don't, whereas if they spend at a
+theayter, the government gets ten per cent. net, and the transaction
+'ain't got to be audited by the grand jury, neither."
+
+"Then you ain't in favor that people should give their money to the Red
+Cross?" Abe said.
+
+"_Gott soll huten!_" Morris cried. "People should give all they could to
+the Red Cross and the government also, but while they are doing it,
+Abe, it ain't no more necessary that they should encourage a crooked
+advertising agent as that they should ruin a hard-working feller in the
+show business. Am I right or wrong?"
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS HOW TO PUT THE SPURT IN THE EXPERT
+
+
+"When does the Shipping Commission expect to begin shipments on those
+ships?" Abe Potash asked, as he laid down the morning paper a few days
+after Thanksgiving.
+
+"I don't know," Morris Perlmutter replied. "The way the newspapers was
+talking last April, Abe, it looked like by the first of September our
+production would be so far ahead of our orders for ships that President
+Wilson would have to organize a special department to handle the
+cancellations, y'understand, but from what I could see now, Abe, by next
+spring the nearest them Shipping Commission fellers will have come to
+deliveries on ships is that this here Hurley will be getting writer's
+cramp from signing letters to the attorneys for the people which ordered
+ships that in reply to your favor of the tenth inst. would say that we
+expect to ship the ships not later than July first at the latest, and
+oblige."
+
+"But I thought that even before we went to war with Germany, Mawruss, a
+couple of inventors made it an invention of a ship which could be built
+of yellow pine in ninety days net."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But the Shipping Commission couldn't make
+up their minds whether them yellow-pine ships would be any good even
+after they _were_ built, on account some professional experts claimed
+that yellow pine shrinks in water to the extent of .00031416 milliegrams
+to the kilowatt-hour, or .000000001 per cent., and other professional
+experts said, '_Yow_ .00031416 milliegrams!' and that .00000031416 would
+be big already, and that also what them first experts didn't know from
+the shrinkage of yellow pine, understand me."
+
+"Well, why didn't the Shipping Commission build a sample ship from
+yellow pine?" Abe suggested. "It's already nine months since the war
+started, and by this time such a ship could have been in the water long
+enough for them Shipping Commission fellers to judge which experts was
+right."
+
+"And suppose she did shrink a little," Morris said, "she could have been
+anyhow disposed of '_as is_' to somebody who didn't take it so
+particular to the fraction of an inch how much yellow pine he gets in a
+yellow-pine ship."
+
+"I give you right, Mawruss," Abe agreed, "but then, you see, an idee
+like that would never occur to a professional expert, Mawruss, because
+it has the one big objection that it might prove the other experts was
+right when they didn't agree with him, which that is the trouble with
+professional experts. The important thing to them ain't so much the
+articles on which they experts, as what big experts they are on such
+articles.
+
+"Take this here Lewis machine-gun, Mawruss," Abe continued, "and when
+Colonel Lewis puts it up to the army experts, y'understand, naturally
+them experts says, 'Well, if we are such big experts on machine-guns, we
+should ought to know a whole lot more about machine-guns as Colonel
+Lewis, and what does that _Schlemiel_ know about machine-guns,
+_anyway_?' so they sent Colonel Lewis a notice that they would not be
+responsible for goods left over thirty days, and the consequence was
+Colonel Lewis sold his machine-gun to the English army."
+
+"And he didn't have to be such a cracker-jack high-grade A-number-one
+salesman to do that, neither," Morris commented, "because if his only
+talking point to the English experts was that the American experts had
+turned down his gun, y'understand, the English experts would give him a
+big order without even asking him to unpack his samples."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But if Colonel Lewis would of had the
+interests of America at heart, Mawruss, he should ought to have offered
+his machine-gun to the English experts first, understand me, and after
+he had got out of the observation ward, which the English experts would
+just naturally send him to as a dangerous American crank with a foolish
+idea for a machine-gun, y'understand, the American experts would have
+taken his entire output at his own terms."
+
+[Illustration: "'Well, if we are such big experts on machine-guns, we
+should ought to know a whole lot more about machine-guns as Colonel
+Lewis, and what does that _Schlemiel_ know about machine-guns,
+_anyway_?'"]
+
+"After all, you can't kick about such mistakes being made, because
+that's the trouble about being a new beginner in any business," Morris
+said. "It don't make no difference whether it would be war or pants,
+Abe, you start out with one big liability, and that is the advice
+proposition. Twice as many new beginners goes under from accepting what
+they thought was good advice as from accepting what they thought was
+good accounts, Abe, and them fellers on the Shipping Commission deserves
+a great deal of credit that they already made such fine progress. You
+can just imagine what this here Hurley which he used to was in the
+railroad business must be up against from his friends which has been in
+the ship-building business for years already. The chance is that every
+time Mr. Hurley goes out on the street one of them old ship-building
+friends comes up to him with that good-advice expression on his face and
+says: '_Nu_, Hurley. How are they coming?' which it don't make a bit of
+difference to such a feller whether Mr. Hurley would say, '_So, so_,'
+'_Pretty good_,' or '_Rotten_,' y'understand, he might just as well save
+his breath, on account the good-advice feller is going to get it off his
+chest, anyhow.
+
+"'You're lucky at that,' the good-advice feller says, 'because I just
+met your assistant designer, Jake Rashkin, and he tells me you are
+getting out a line of whalebacks in pastel shades.'
+
+"'Well, why not?' Hurley says.
+
+"'Why not!' the friend exclaims. 'You mean to tell me that you don't
+know even that much about the ship-building business, that you would
+actually go to work and make up for the fall trade a line of whalebacks
+in pastel shades? Honestly, Hurley, I must say I am surprised at you.'
+And for the next twenty minutes he gives Hurley the names and dates of
+six voluntary bankrupts, all of whom started in the ship-building
+business by making up a line of whalebacks in pastel shades, together
+with the details of just what them fellers is doing for a living to-day
+from selling cigars on commission downwards.
+
+"Naturally, Hurley hustles right back to the shop and tells the foreman
+that if they 'ain't already started on that last batch of whalebacks in
+pastel shades, not to mind, and he spends the rest of the afternoon
+getting his operators busy on a couple of hundred oil-burning boats in
+solid colors, like reds, greens, and blues. The consequence is that the
+next day at lunch another old friend comes up to him, which used to was
+in the ship-building business when the record from New York to Liverpool
+was nineteen days ten hours and forty-five minutes, y'understand, and
+says: '_Nu_, Hurley. How is the busy little ship-builder to-day?'
+
+"'Pretty good,' Hurley says. 'I'm just getting to work on a big line of
+oil-burners in solid colors, like reds, greens, and blues.'
+
+"'No!' the old ship-builder says.
+
+"'Sure!' Hurley tells him, and after they have said 'No!' and 'Sure!' a
+couple of dozen times it appears that if a new beginner in the
+ship-building business lays in a stock of plain-colored oil-burning
+boats he might just so well kiss himself good-by with his ship-building
+business and be done with it. Also it seems that the only line of goods
+for a new beginner in the ship-building business to specialize in is
+whalebacks in pastel shades, Abe, and that's the way it goes."
+
+"At that we're a whole lot better off as England was when she started in
+as a new beginner in the war business," Abe commented. "Mr. Hurley was,
+anyhow, in the railroad business when he took over the ship-building
+job, and we've got other men which were high-grade dry-goods and
+hardware men before they threw up their business to help the government
+branch out into the war business, y'understand, but if we would got to
+depend on somebody who was trying to run a shipyard with the experience
+he had got from being national lawn-tennis champion for the years
+nineteen hundred to nineteen sixteen inclusive, or if President Wilson
+had the idee that for a man to be the right man in the right place,
+y'understand, he should ought to have the gumption and business ability
+which a feller naturally picks up in the course of being an earl or a
+duke, understand me, the best we could hope for would be a fleet of six
+rebuilt tugboats by the fall of nineteen fifty."
+
+"It wasn't England's fault that she made such a mistake, Abe," Morris
+said. "Up to the time Germany started this war it used to was considered
+that if nations did got to go to war, y'understand, the best way to go
+about it was to put it in charge of a good sport like a tennis champion
+would naturally have to be, and as for the earls and the dukes, the
+theory on which them fellers fooled away their time was that they was
+just resting up between wars, Abe, because they was, anyhow, gentlemen,
+and it was England's idea that all a soldier had to be was a gentleman.
+But nowadays that's already a thing of the past. The way Germany fixed
+things with her long-distance cannons, her liquid fire, gas, and
+Zeppelins, a soldier don't have to be so much of a gentleman as an
+inventor, a chemist, an engineer, and a general all-around hustler."
+
+"In fact, Mawruss," Abe said, "a German soldier don't need to be a
+gentleman at all, because when it comes to stealing ch�teau furniture,
+destroying cathedrals, burning houses, and chopping down fruit-trees,
+any experience as a gentleman wouldn't be much of a help to a German
+soldier."
+
+"That's what I am telling you, Abe," Morris declared. "Germany has made
+war a business, y'understand, and she figures that a gentleman in the
+war business is like a gentleman in the pants business. He ain't going
+to make any more or better pants by being a gentleman, y'understand, and
+if we are going to win this war, Abe, we should ought to stop beefing
+about German soldiers not being gentlemen, and take into consideration
+the fact that while German engineers, chemists, inventors, and
+submarine-builders may not know whether you play lawn tennis with a cue,
+mallet, or a full deck of fifty-two cards including the joker, Abe, you
+can bet your life that they know an awful lot about engineering,
+chemistry, and building submarines, and they don't need no so-called
+experts to help them, neither."
+
+"And you can also bet your life, Mawruss, that no German would have
+turned down Colonel Lewis's machine-guns," Abe said, "the way them
+experts of ours did."
+
+"Well, what is an expert to do, Abe?" Morris asked. "If he goes to work
+and recommends the government to give an inventor an order for his
+invention, he's taking a big chance that the invention wouldn't work,
+and you know as well as I do, Abe, most American experts play in
+terrible hard luck. You take these here military experts which gives
+expert opinions in the newspapers about what is going to happen next on
+the Balkan front, y'understand, and a feller could make quite a
+reputation as a military expert by simply coppering their predictions."
+
+"Well, them military experts which writes in the newspapers ain't really
+experts at all, Mawruss," Abe said. "They're just crickets, like them
+musical crickets which knows everything there is to know about, we would
+say, for example, playing on the fiddle excepting how to play on the
+fiddle."
+
+"_Aber_ what is the difference between a professional expert and a
+professional cricket, _anyway_?" Morris asked.
+
+"A professional expert is a feller which thinks he knows all about a
+business because he tried for years and he never could make a success of
+it," Abe replied, "whereas a professional cricket is a feller which
+thinks he knows all about a business because he tried for years and he
+could never even break into it."
+
+"And how could you expect to get from people like that an opinion which
+ain't on the bias?" Morris concluded.
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON BEING AN OPTICIAN AND LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT
+SIDE
+
+
+"Yes, Mawruss," Abe Potash said as he laid down the morning paper after
+glancing over the alarming head-lines, "a feller which has got stomach
+trouble or the toothache nowadays is playing in luck, because when
+you've got stomach trouble you couldn't think about nothing else, and
+what is a little thing like stomach trouble to worry over with all the
+_tzuris_ which is happening in the world nowadays?"
+
+"Well, then _have_ stomach trouble," Morris Perlmutter advised.
+
+"What do you mean--_have_ stomach trouble?" Abe said. "A man couldn't
+get stomach trouble the same way he could get drunk, Mawruss. It is
+something which is just so much beyond your control as red hair or a
+good tenor voice."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris agreed. "But what is happening in Russia and
+Italy is also beyond your control, Abe, so if them Bolsheviki is getting
+on your nerves, and you hate to pick up the paper for fear of finding
+that the Germans would have captured Venice, understand me, console
+yourself with the idee that there's a lot of brainy fellers in this
+country which is doing all they know how to handle the situation over in
+the old country, and then if you want something near at home to worry
+about like stomach trouble, y'understand, there's plenty of misfortunate
+people in orphan asylums and hospitals right here in New York City which
+will be very glad to have you worry over them in a practical way out of
+what you've got left when you're through paying income and excise profit
+taxes, Abe."
+
+"Maybe there is some people which would get so upset over having to give
+twenty dollars or so to an orphan asylum or a hospital, Mawruss, that
+for the time being they could forget how General Crozier 'ain't ordered
+the machine-guns yet," Abe said, "but me I ain't built that way. When it
+says in the papers where the Germans is sending all their soldiers away
+from the Russian front to the Italian front, y'understand, it may be
+that some people could read it and try not to worry by sending five
+dollars to them Highwaymen for Improving the Condition of the Poor,
+Mawruss, but when _I_ read it, Mawruss, I think how it's all up to them
+Bolsheviki in Russia, and I get awful sore at the poor--in especially
+the Russian poor."
+
+"What are you worrying your head about what they put in the papers?"
+Morris asked. "Seventy-five per cent. of the bridge-heads which the
+Germans capture in the New York morning papers might just so well be
+French villages, except that the reporters would have to look up the
+names of the villages on the map, because some editors are very
+particular that way; they insist that the reporter should use the name
+of a real village, whereas if he puts down that the Germans has captured
+a bridge-head on the Piave River he could go right out to lunch, and he
+never even stops to think that if somebody would check up the number of
+bridge-heads which the Germans has captured that way in the New York
+morning papers, Abe, the Piave River would got to be covered solid with
+bridges from end to end."
+
+"But I am just so bad as a reporter, Mawruss--I never stop to think
+that, neither," Abe admitted. "It's my nature that I couldn't help
+believing the foolishness which I read in the papers, and if the Germans
+capture a bridge-head on me in the Sporting Edition with Final Wall
+Street Complete they might just so well capture it in Italy and be done
+with it, because if I play cards afterward I couldn't keep my mind on
+the game, anyhow. Only last Sunday I had a three-hundred-and-fifty hand
+in spades, with an extra ace and king, understand me, when I happened to
+think about reading in the paper where the Germans is going to build for
+next spring submarines in extra sized six hundred feet long,
+y'understand, and the consequence was I forget to meld a twenty in clubs
+and lost the hand by eighteen points. Before I fell asleep that night I
+thought it over that Germany couldn't build such a big submarine as the
+papers claimed, but by that time I was out three dollars on the hand,
+_anyway_, and that's the way war affects _me_, Mawruss."
+
+"Well, that's where you are making a big mistake, Abe," Morris
+commented, "because even when the articles which they print in the
+newspaper is true, y'understand, if you only stop to figure them out
+right, Abe, you could get a whole lot of encouragement that way. Take,
+for instance, when you read _via_ Amsterdam that General Hindenberg is
+now commanding the western front, Abe, and with some people that would
+throw a big scare into 'em, y'understand, but with me not, Abe, because
+the way I look at it is from experience. I've known lots of fellers from
+seventy to seventy-five years old, Abe, and in particular my wife's
+mother's a brother Old Man Baum in the cotton-converting business.
+There's a feller which he actually went to work and married his
+stenographer when he was seventy-two, Abe, and, compared to an
+undertaking like that, running the western front would be child's play,
+Abe, and yet when all was said and done, if he went to theayter Saturday
+night and eats afterward a little chicken _� la_ King, y'understand, it
+was a case of ringing up a doctor at three o'clock Sunday morning while
+his wife's relations sat around his flat figuring the inheritance tax.
+Now, take Hindenberg which he is six months older as Old Man Baum, Abe,
+and what that feller has went through in the last three years two
+lifetimes in the cotton-converting business wouldn't be a marker to it,
+understand me, and still there are people which is worried that when he
+begins to run things on the western front, it is going to be a serious
+matter for the Allies, instead of the Germans.
+
+"Yes, Abe," Morris continued, "with all the things them Germans has got
+to attend to on the western front, it's no cinch to have on their hands
+an old man seventy-two years of age, which, if anything should happen to
+the old _Rosher_, like acute indigestion from eating too much gruel or
+lumbago, y'understand, then real generals on the western front would
+never hear the end of it."
+
+"Ain't Hindenberg also a real general?" Abe asked.
+
+"Not an old man like that, Abe," Morris replied. "He used to was a real
+general, but now he is just a mascot for the Germans and a bogey man for
+us, which I bet yer the most that feller does to help along the war is
+to wear warm woolen underwear, keep out of draughts, and not get his
+feet wet under any circumstances at his age. Furthermore, Abe, I ain't
+so sure that the Germans is withdrawing so many soldiers as they claim
+from the Russian frontier, neither, y'understand, because the way them
+Bolsheviki has swung around to Germany must sound to the Kaiser almost
+too good to be true, and I bet yer also he figures that maybe it isn't
+because nobody knows better as the Kaiser how much reliance you could
+place on a deal between one country and another, even when it's in
+writing and signed by the party to be charged, which, for all any one
+could tell, whether Russia is now a government, a co-partnership, a
+corporation, or only so to speak a voluntary association, Abe, the
+Kaiser might just as well sign his peace treaty with Pavlowa and Nordkin
+as with Lenine and Trotzky, so far as binding the Russian people is
+concerned."
+
+"It ain't a peace treaty which them fellers wants to sign, Mawruss," Abe
+said. "It's a bill of sale, which I see that Lenine and Trotzky agrees
+Germany should import goods into Russia free of duty and that she should
+take Russian Poland and Courland and a lot of other territory, and if
+that's what is called making peace, Mawruss, then you might just as well
+say that a lawsuit is compromised by allowing the feller which sues to
+get a judgment and have the sheriff collect on it."
+
+"And at that, Abe," Morris said, "there ain't a German merchant which
+wouldn't be only too delighted to swap his rights to import goods into
+Russia free of duty _after the war_ for three-quarters of a pound of
+porterhouse steak and a ten-cent loaf of white bread right now, which
+the way food is so scarce nowadays in Germany, Abe, when a Berlin
+business man's family gets through with the Sunday dinner, and the
+servant-girl clears off the table, there's no use asking should she give
+the bones to the dog, because the chances is they _are_ the dog,
+understand me. As for sugar, we think we've got a kick coming when we
+could only get two teaspoonfuls to a cup of coffee for five cents,
+y'understand, whereas in Germany they would consider themselves lucky if
+they could get two teaspoonfuls to a gallon of coffee if they had a
+gallon of coffee in the entire country, understand me. So that's the way
+it goes in Germany, Abe; the people ask for bread and they give 'em a
+report on Norwegian steamers sunk by U-boats during the current week,
+and if one of the steamers was loaded with sugar, y'understand, that
+ain't going to be much satisfaction to a German which has got a sweet
+tooth and has been trying to make out with one two-grain saccharin
+tablet every forty-eight hours, neither."
+
+"But the Germans seems to be making a lot of progress everywheres," Abe
+said.
+
+"Except at home," Morris declared. "Maybe the German people still feels
+encouraged when the German army gets ahold of more territory, Abe, but
+it's a question of a short time now when the German people is going to
+realize that they don't need no more room to starve in than they've got
+at present, and that a nation can go broke just as comfortably in nine
+hundred thousand square miles as it can in nine million square miles."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe agreed, "but one thing Germany has fixed already,
+Mawruss, and that is that she is going to get a whole lot of customers
+in Russia."
+
+"Well, if she does," Morris commented, "she'll have to provide the
+capital to set them customers up in business, and after she has done
+that, Abe, she will have to hustle around to drum up trade for them
+Russian customers, because when the Bolsheviki get through with their
+fine work in Russia, Abe, the Russian people won't have enough
+purchasing power to make it a fair territory for a salesman with a line
+of five-and-ten-cent store supplies. So if Germany started this here war
+to get more trade, she's already licked."
+
+"Then what does she go on fighting for?" Abe asked. "It seems to me that
+if we saw we couldn't accomplish nothing by going on fighting, Mawruss,
+we'd stop, ain't it?"
+
+"Sure we would," Morris agreed. "But then, Abe, we 'ain't got nothing to
+stop us from stopping, because we ain't fighting for the sake of
+fighting, the way Von Tirpitz, Mackensen, and Ludendorff are doing.
+Take, for instance, Von Tirpitz, and that _Rosher_ insists that the
+U-boats is going to win the war, so it don't make no difference to him
+how many German sailors goes down in U-boats, he's going to keep on
+sending out U-boats right up to the time the German people shoots him,
+and his last words will be that the reason why the U-boats didn't win
+the war was because they didn't have a fair trial. Then there's
+Mackensen and Ludendorff which they've got _their_ idees about how the
+war should be won, and they mean to see that their idees continue to
+have a fair trial till there ain't enough German soldiers alive to give
+them idees a fair trial, and that's the way it goes, Abe. All the idees
+that we want to give a fair trial is that we are going to keep on
+fighting till we've proved to the German people that it don't pay to
+back up the Von Tirpitz, Ludendorff, and Mackensen idees."
+
+"And how long is this going to take?" Abe inquired.
+
+"Not so long as you think, Abe," Morris replied, "because Germany may
+have made peace with Russia, but she has still got fighting against her
+England, France, Italy, America, Starvation, Bad Business, Conceit,
+Lies, and Stubbornness."
+
+"And in the mean time, Mawruss," Abe said, "what's going to happen to
+us?"
+
+"Don't worry about us," Morris said. "All America has got to do is to
+try to be an optician and look on the bright side of things, and she's
+bound to win out in the end."
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+THE LIQUOR QUESTION--SHALL IT BE DRY OR EXTRA DRY?
+
+   Light wines don't harm an awful lot of people, for the same reason
+   that there ain't much pneumonia caused by people getting damp from
+   using finger-bowls.
+
+
+"Yes, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, the day after the prohibition amendment
+was adopted by the House of Representatives, "there's a lot of people
+going around taking credit for this here prohibition which in reality is
+living examples of the terrible effects not drinking schnapps has on the
+human race--suppose any one wanted to argue that way--whereas if you was
+to put the people wise which is actually responsible for the country
+going dry, y'understand, they would be too indignant to call you a liar
+before they could hit you with anything that lay most handy behind the
+bar from an ice-pick to an empty bottle, understand me."
+
+"I always had an idea myself that what was responsible for prohibition,
+Abe, was that the people is sore at booze," Morris Perlmutter retorted.
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But the people would be just so sore at
+candy if the fellers which runs candy-stores acted the way
+saloon-keepers does, which you take a feller like this here Huyler, or
+one of the Smiths in the cough-drop business, and we would say his name
+is Harris Fine, y'understand, and instead of attending to the store and
+poisining people mit candy, he goes to work to get up the Harris Fine
+Association and gives all the eighteen-dollar-a-week policemen in the
+neighborhood to understand that it's equivalent to ten dollars in their
+pockets if they wouldn't take it so particular when members of the
+Harris Fine Association commits a little thing like murder or something,
+_verstehst du mich_, why the people in the same block which wasn't
+members of the Harris Fine Association would begin to think that candy
+was getting to have a bad influence on the neighborhood, y'understand.
+Then if Harris Fine was to run for alderman and all the loafers of the
+eighth ward or whatever ward he was alderman of was to meet in the back
+room of his candy-store, Mawruss, the respectable _Leute_ which couldn't
+go past Harris Fine's candy-store without hearing somebody talking
+rotten language would go home and say that it was a shame and a disgrace
+that the eighth ward should got to have candy-stores in it. Afterward
+when he has been an alderman for some time, Mawruss, and Harris Fine
+begins to make a fortune out of the garbage-removal contracts by not
+removing garbage, y'understand, and also as a side line to candy and
+ice-cream soda, does an elegant business in asphalt-paving which
+contains one-tenth of one per cent. asphalt, y'understand, the bad
+reputation which candy has got it in the eighth ward is going to spread
+throughout the city, Mawruss, and finally, when the candy feller starts
+in to make contracts for state roads, candy gets a black eye in the
+state also, and it's only a question of time before the candy-dealer
+would go to Washington and put over a rotten deal on the national
+government, understand me, and then people like you and me which never
+touches so much as a little piece of peanut-brittle, Mawruss, starts
+right in and hollers for the national prohibition of all kinds of candy
+from gum-drops to mixed chocolates and bum-bums at a dollar and a half a
+pound."
+
+"You may be right, Abe," Morris said, "but when it comes right down to
+Bright's disease and charoses of the liver, y'understand, politics
+'ain't got nothing to do with it, because it doesn't make no difference
+to whisky whether a feller voted for Wilson _oder_ Hughes. It would just
+as lieve ruin the health and prospects of a Republican as a Democrat."
+
+"Whisky might," Abe admitted, "but how about beer and light wines,
+Mawruss, which you know as well as I do, Mawruss, a loafer must got to
+drink an awful lot of beer before he gets drunk."
+
+"Well, that's what makes the brewery business good, Abe," Morris said.
+
+"But don't you think in a great number of cases, Mawruss, beer is drunk
+to squench thirst?" Abe asked.
+
+"That's the way it's drunk in a great number of cases--twenty-four
+bottles to the case," Morris said; "but if the same people was to drink
+water the way they drink beer, Abe, instead of thirst you would think it
+was goldfish that troubled them, which I can get as thirsty as the next
+one, Abe, but I can usually manage to squench it without making an
+aquarium out of myself exactly."
+
+"_Aber_ what about light wines?" Abe inquired. "They don't harm an awful
+lot of people, Mawruss."
+
+"They don't harm an awful lot of people for the same reason that there
+ain't much pneumonia caused by people getting damp from using
+finger-bowls, Abe," Morris said, "because so far as I could see the
+American people feels the same way about light wines as they do about
+finger-bowls. They could use 'em and they could let 'em alone, and they
+feel a whole lot more comfortable when they're letting 'em alone than
+when they're using 'em."
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss," Abe said, "I think a great many people
+which is prejudiced against light wines on account of heartburn is
+laying it to the wine instead of the seventy-five-cent Italian
+table-d'h�te dinner which goes with it."
+
+"Yes, and it's just as likely to be the cocktail which went before it as
+the glass of brandy which came after it, and that's the trouble with
+beer and light wine, Abe," Morris declared. "They usually ain't the only
+numbers on the program, and the feller which starts in on beer and
+light wines, Abe, soon gets such a big repertoire of drinks that he's
+performing on the bottle day and night, y'understand, which
+saloon-keepers knows better than anybody else, Abe, because if you would
+ask a saloon-keeper _oder_ a bartender to have something, y'understand,
+it's a hundred-to-one proposition that he takes a cigar and not a glass
+beer."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But once a bartender draws a glass beer,
+before he could use it again, he's got to mark off so much for
+deteriorating that it's practically a total loss, whereas he could
+always put a cigar back in the case and sell it to somebody else for
+full price in the usual course of business."
+
+"Well, that's what makes the saloon business a swindle and not a
+business, Abe," Morris said. "Just imagine, Abe, if you and me, as
+women's outer-garment manufacturers, was to lay in a line of ready-made
+men's overcoats in the expectation that after a customer has bought from
+us a big order he is going to blow me to a forty regular and you to a
+forty-four stout which we would put right back in stock as soon as his
+back is turned."
+
+"But even if the liquor business would be a dirty business, Mawruss,"
+Abe said, "you've got to consider that there's a whole lot of people
+which is making a living out of it, like bartenders and fellers working
+in distilleries, and if they get thrown out of work, y'understand, their
+wives and children is going to be just as hungry as if the fellers lost
+their jobs in a respectable business like pants or plumbers' supplies."
+
+"Say," Morris exclaimed, "if you're going to have sympathy for people
+which would get thrown out of jobs by prohibition, Abe, don't use it all
+up on bartenders and fellers working in distilleries, because there's a
+whole lot of other crooks whose families are going to be short of
+spending-money when liquor-selling stops. Take them boys which is
+running poker-rooms, faro-games, and roulette-wheels, and alcohol is
+just as necessary to their operation as ether is to a stomach
+specialist's, because the human bank-roll is the same as the human
+appendix, Abe: the success of removing it entirely depends on the giving
+of the anesthetic. Then there is the lawyers--criminal, accident, and
+divorce--and it don't make no difference how their clients fell or what
+they fell from--positions in banks, moving street-cars, or as nice a
+little woman as any one could wish for, y'understand--schnapps done it,
+Abe, and when schnapps goes, Abe, the practice of them lawyers goes with
+it."
+
+"Well, they still got their diplomas, Mawruss," Abe said. "And even
+though schnapps is prohibited, Mawruss, there will be enough people left
+with the real-estate habit to give them shysters a living, anyhow, but
+you take them fellers which has got millions of dollars invested in
+machinery for the manufacture of headache medicine, Mawruss, and before
+they will be able to figure out how they can use their plants for the
+manufacture of war supplies they're going to be their own best
+customers, which little did them fellers think when they put on their
+bottles,
+
+ * * * KEEP IN A DRY PLACE WELL CORKED * * *
+
+that people was going to take them so seriously as to put 'em right out
+of business, y'understand."
+
+"But there's also a large number of people which is going to lose their
+jobs on account of this here prohibition, Abe, and if they get the
+sympathy of these American sitsons which is laying awake nights worrying
+about how the Czar is getting along, Abe, it would be big already. I am
+talking about the temperance lecturers," Morris declared, "which if it
+wouldn't be for them fellers pretty near convincing everybody that no
+one could be happy and sober at the same time, Abe, it's my idee that we
+would of had this here prohibition _sohon_ long since ago already,
+because those temperance lecturers got their arguments against drinking
+schnapps so mixed up with Sunday baseball, playing billiards, and going
+to theayters, picture-galleries, and libraries on Sunday, Abe, that some
+people which visits New York from small towns in the Middle West still
+hesitates about going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for fear of
+getting a hobnailed liver or something."
+
+"At that, Mawruss, this here prohibition is going to hurt some
+businesses like the jewelry business," Abe said, "which not counting the
+millions of carats that fellers has bought to square themselves for
+coming home at all hours of the night, y'understand, there's many a bar
+pin which would still be in stock if the customer hadn't nerved himself
+to buying it with a couple of cocktails, understand me. Automobiles is
+the same way, Mawruss, and if the engineering department of the big
+automobile concerns is now busy on the problem of making alcohol a
+substitute for gasolene, Mawruss, you can bet your life that the sales
+department is just as busy trying to find out something which will be a
+substitute for alcohol, because when a feller has made up his mind to
+buy a five-passenger touring-car, Mawruss, there ain't many automobile
+salesmen which could wish a seven-passenger limousine on him by working
+him with a couple of cups coffee, y'understand."
+
+"Then there is the show business," Morris observed, "and while I don't
+mean to say that this here prohibition is going to have any effect on
+them miserable plays where the girl saves the family at eight-forty-five
+by marrying the millionaire and discovers at ten-forty-five that she
+loves him just as much as if he hadn't any rating, so that the show can
+get out at eleven-five, y'understand, but when enough states has adopted
+the prohibition amendment to pull it into effect, Abe, the Midnight
+Follies as a business proposition will be in a class with bar fixtures
+and mass-kerseno cherries."
+
+"Well, so far as I'm concerned, any show that starts in at twelve
+o'clock would always have to get along without _my_ trade, prohibition
+or no prohibition," Abe commented, "even though I could enjoy it on
+nothing stronger than malted milk."
+
+"Which you couldn't," Morris added, "and there's why the Midnight
+Follies wouldn't last, because not only is this here prohibition going
+to kill schnapps, Abe, but it is also going to drive off the market for
+all articles the demand for which contains more than one per cent.
+alcohol."
+
+"And believe me, Mawruss," Abe concluded, "no decent, respectable man is
+going to miss such articles, neither."
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON PEACE WITH VICTORY AND WITHOUT BROKERS, EITHER
+
+
+"An offer is anyhow an offer, even if it is turned down, Mawruss," Abe
+Potash said, the day after Germany proposed terms of peace, "which that
+time I sold Harris Immerglick them lots in Brownsville, Mawruss, the
+first proposition he made me I pretty near threw him down the
+freight-elevator shaft, and when we finally closed the deal I couldn't
+tell exactly how much I made on them lots--figuring what I paid in taxes
+and assessments while I owned 'em, but it must have been, anyhow, five
+hundred dollars, Mawruss, from the way Immerglick gives me such a
+cutthroat looks whenever he sees me nowadays."
+
+"Everybody ain't so easy as Harris Immerglick," Morris Perlmutter
+commented.
+
+"Maybe not," Abe admitted. "But Harris Immerglick didn't want them lots
+not nearly as bad as the Kaiser wants peace, Mawruss, so while the
+parties to the proposed contract seems to be at present too wide apart
+to make a deal likely, Mawruss, at the same time I look to see the
+Kaiser offer a few concessions."
+
+"Perhaps you're right, Abe," Morris said, "but while the Kaiser may have
+control of enough property so as to throw in a little here and a little
+there, y'understand, in the end it will be the boot money which will
+count, Abe, and before this deal is closed, Abe, you could bet your life
+that not only would the parties of the first part got to give up
+Belgium, Servia, Rumania, Poland, and Alsace-Lorraine, but they would
+also got to pay billions and billions of dollars in cash or certified
+check upon the delivery of the deed and passing of title under the said
+contract, and don't you forget it. So if some of them railroad
+presidents which is now drawing a hundred thousand a year salary, Abe,
+has got any hopes that President Wilson would hold up taking over the
+railroads pending negotiations for peace, y'understand, they must be
+blessed with sanguinary dispositions, Abe, because it's going to take a
+long time yet the Kaiser would concede enough to justify the Allies in
+so much as hesitating on even a single pair of soldiers' pants."
+
+"Say, if anybody thinks the government would let go the railroads when
+we make peace with Germany, Mawruss, he don't know no more about
+railroads as he does about governments," Abe declared, "because this war
+which the government has got with the railroads, meat-packers, oil
+trusts, and coal-mine owners wouldn't end when we've licked Germany any
+more than it begun when Von Tirpitz started his submarine campaign. Yes,
+Mawruss, if we wouldn't leave off fighting Germany till it's agreed
+that no fellers like Von Tirpitz, Von Buelow, Von Bethmann-Hollweg, and
+all them other Vons can use German subjects and German property for
+their own personal purposes, why it's a hundred-to-one proposition that
+we ain't going to leave off fighting the railroads till it's agreed that
+them Von Tirpitzes, Von Buelows, and Von Hindenbergs of the American
+railroads couldn't use the transportation business of this country for
+stock-gambling purpose as though the railroads was gold and silver
+mining prospects somewhere out in Nevada and didn't have a thing to do
+with the food and coal supply of the nation."
+
+"Wait a moment," Morris said, "and I'll ask Jake, the shipping-clerk, to
+bring you in a button-box. We 'ain't got no soap-boxes."
+
+"That ain't no soap-box stuff, Mawruss," Abe retorted. "If the
+government should do the same thing to the meat-packers as they did to
+the railroads, Mawruss, the arguments of them soap-box orators wouldn't
+have a soap-box to stand on."
+
+"Well, if the government thinks it is necessary in order to carry on the
+war, Abe," Morris said, "it will grab the meat business like it has
+taken over the railroads, but we've got enough to do to supply our
+soldiers with ammunition without we would spend any time stopping the
+ammunition of them soap-box fellers."
+
+"Of course I may be wrong, Mawruss," Abe admitted, "but the way I look
+at it, the war ain't an excuse for not cleaning up at home. On the
+contrary, Mawruss, I think it is an opportunity for cleaning up, and
+when I see in the papers where people writes to the editors that the
+prohibitionists, the women suffragists, and the union laborers should
+ought to be ashamed of themselves for putting up arguments when the
+country is so busy over the war, I couldn't help thinking that there
+must be people over in Germany which is writing to the _Tageszeitung_
+and the _Freie Presse_ that the German Social Democrats and Liberals
+should ought to be ashamed of themselves for putting up arguments about
+the Kaiser giving them popular government when Germany is so busy over
+the war. In other words, it's a stand-off, Mawruss, with the exception
+that the Kaiser 'ain't made no speeches so far that Germany would never
+make peace with America till the millions of American women which 'ain't
+got the vote has some say as to how the war should be carried on and
+what the terms of peace should be."
+
+"Do you mean to say that women not having the vote puts our government
+in the same class with Germany?" Morris demanded.
+
+"I mean to say that the proposition of German men having the vote sounds
+just so foolish to the Kaiser as the proposition of American women
+having the vote does to this here Eli U. Root," Abe retorted, "and while
+there is only one Kaiser in Germany, Mawruss, we've got an awful lot of
+Roots in America, so until Congress gives women the vote, Mawruss, the
+Kaiser will continue to have an elegant come-back at President Wilson
+for that proclamation of his."
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, Abe," Morris said, "I read this here proclamation
+of Mr. Wilson's when it was published in the papers, and while I admit
+that it didn't leave so big an impression on me as if it would of been a
+murder or a divorce case, y'understand, yet as I recollect it, Abe,
+there was enough room in it, so that if the German terms of peace was
+sufficiently liberal, y'understand, the German popular government
+needn't got to be so awful popular but what it could get by, understand
+me."
+
+"That's my idee, too," Abe declared, "and while I ain't so keen like
+this here Lord Handsdown or Landsdown, or whatever the feller's name is,
+that we should jump right in and ask the Kaiser if that's the best he
+could do and how long would he give us to think it over, y'understand,
+yet you've got to remember that we've all had experiences with fellers
+like Harris Immerglick, Mawruss, and if the Allies would go at this
+thing in a business-like way, y'understand, it might be a case of going
+ahead with our business, which is war, and at the same time keeping an
+eye on the brokers in the transaction."
+
+"I don't want to wake you up when you've got such pleasant dreams, Abe,"
+Morris interrupted, "but the Allies is going to need all the eyes
+they've got during the next year or so, and a few binoculars and
+periscopes wouldn't go so bad, neither."
+
+"All right," Abe said, "then don't keep an eye on the brokers, but just
+the same we could afford to let the matter rest, because you know what
+brokers are, Mawruss: when it comes to putting through a swap, the
+principals could be a couple of hard-boiled eggs that would sooner make
+a present of their properties to the first-mortgagees than accept the
+original terms offered, y'understand, but the brokers never give up
+hope."
+
+"What are you talking about--brokers?" Morris exclaimed. "There ain't no
+brokers in a peace transaction."
+
+"Ain't there?" Abe retorted. "Well, if this here Czernin ain't the
+broker representing Austria and Germany, what is he? I can see the
+feller right now, the way he walks into Trotzky & Lenine's office with
+one of them real-estater smiles that looks as genwine as a twenty-dollar
+fur-lined overcoat.
+
+"'_Wie gehts_, Mr. Trotzky!' he says, like it's some one he used to
+every afternoon drink coffee together ten years ago and has been
+wondering ever since what's become of him that he 'ain't seen him so
+long. Only in this case it happens to be Lenine he's talking to.
+
+"'Mr. Trotzky ain't in. This is his partner, Mr. Lenine,' Lenine says.
+
+"'Not Barnett Lenine used to was November & Lenine in the neckwear
+business?' Czernin says.
+
+"'No,' Lenine says, and although Czernin tries to look like he expected
+as much, it kind of takes the zip out of him, anyhow.
+
+"'Let's see,' he says, 'this must be Chatskel Lenine, married a daughter
+of old man Josephthal and has got a sister living in Toledo, Ohio, by
+the name Rifkin. The husband runs a clothing-store corner of Tenth and
+Main, ain't it?'
+
+"This time he's got him cornered, and Lenine has to admit it, so Czernin
+shakes hands with him and gives him the I.O.M.A. grip, with just a
+suggestion of the Knights of Phthias and Free Sons of Courland.
+
+"'My name is Czernin--Sig Czernin,' he says. 'I see you don't remember
+me. I met you at the house of a party by the name Linkheimer or Linkman,
+I forget which, but the brother, Harris Linkheimer--I remember now, it
+_was_ Linkheimer--went to the Saint Louis Exposition and was never heard
+of afterward.'
+
+"'My _tzuris_!' Lenine says, but this don't feaze Czernin.
+
+"'You see,' he says, 'I never forget a face.'
+
+"'And you 'ain't got such a bad memory for names, neither,' Lenine tells
+him.
+
+"'That ain't neither here nor there,' Czernin says, 'because if your
+name would be O'Brien or something Swedish, even, I got here a
+proposition, Mr. Lenine, which it's a pleasure to me that I got the
+opportunity of offering it to you, and even if I do say so myself,
+y'understand, such a gilt-edged proposition like this here ain't in the
+market every day.'
+
+"And that's the way Czernin sprung them peace propositions on Lenine &
+Trotzky, and it don't make no difference that in this particular
+instance it's practically a case of Lenine & Trotzky accepting whatever
+proposition the Kaiser wants to put to them, y'understand, when it comes
+to dickering with the Allies which can afford to act so independent to
+the Kaiser that if Czernin is lucky he won't get thrown down-stairs more
+than a couple of times, y'understand. He will come right back with the
+names and family histories of a few more common acquaintances and a
+couple of more concessions on the part of Germany, time after time,
+until it'll begin to look like peace is in sight."
+
+"I wish you was right, Abe," Morris said, "but I think you will find
+that this here peace contract will be in charge of the diplomats and not
+the real-estaters."
+
+"Well, what's the difference?" Abe asked.
+
+"Probably there ain't any," Morris admitted, "because their methods is
+practically the same, which when countries goes to war on account of
+treaties they claim the other country broke, y'understand, it's usually
+just so much the fault of the diplomats which got 'em to sign the
+treaties originally, as when business men get into a lawsuit over a
+real-estate contract, it is the fault of the real-estate brokers in the
+transaction. So therefore, Abe, unless we want to make a peace treaty
+with Germany which would sooner or later end up in another war,
+y'understand, the best thing for America to do is to depend for peace
+not on brokers _oder_ diplomats, but on airyoplanes and guns with the
+right kind of soldiers to work 'em. Furthermore, after we've got the
+Germans back of the Rhine will be plenty of time to talk about entering
+into peace contracts with the Kaiser, because then there will be nothing
+left for the _Rosher_ to dicker about, and all we will have to do in the
+way of diplomacy will be to say, 'Sign here,' and he'll sign there."
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON KEEPING IT DARK
+
+
+"I got a circular letter from this here Garfield where he says we should
+keep the temperature of our rooms down to sixty-eight degrees," Abe
+Potash remarked during the recent below-zero spell in New York.
+
+"What do you mean--down to sixty-eight degrees?" Morris Perlmutter said.
+"If a feller which lives in a New York City apartment-house nowadays
+could get the temperature of his rooms as high as down to forty-eight
+degrees, y'understand, it's only because some of the tenants 'ain't come
+across with the janitor's present yet and he still has hopes. Yes, Abe,
+a circular like that might do some good in Pasadena _oder_ Pallum Beach,
+y'understand, but it's wasted here in New York."
+
+"There's bound to be a whole lot of waste in them don't-waste-nothing
+circulars," Abe commented, "because plenty of people is getting letters
+from the Food Conservation Commission to go slow on sugar which 'ain't
+risked taking even a two-grain saccharin tablet in years already, and
+the chances is that there has been tons and tons of circulars sent out
+to other people which on account of their livers _oder_ religions
+wouldn't on any account eat the articles of food which the circulars
+begs them on no account to eat, y'understand."
+
+"And next year them circulars will be still less necessary because
+enough people is going to get rheumatism from living in cold rooms to
+cut down the consumption of red meats over fifty per cent.," Morris
+observed.
+
+"Well, something has got to be done to make people go slow on using up
+coal, Mawruss," Abe said, "which the way it is now, Mawruss, twice as
+much coal is burned in one night to manufacture electricity for a sky
+sign saying that 'Toasted Sawdust Is the Perfect Breakfast Food' on
+account it is made only from the best grades of Tennessee yellow pine,
+y'understand, as would run an airyoplane-factory for a week, understand
+me, and children is fooling away their time in the streets because if
+coal is used to heat the school buildings, y'understand, there wouldn't
+be enough left for the really important things like lighting up the
+fronts of vaudeville theayters with the names of actors or telling lies
+about the mileage of automobile tires by means of a couple of million
+electric lights every night from sunset to sunrise, understand me."
+
+"Still there's a good deal to be said on the other side, Abe," Morris
+retorted, "which if the new coal regulations is going to make an end of
+the sky signs, it will cut off practically all the reading that most
+New-Yorkers do outside of the newspapers, y'understand. Then again
+there's a whole lot of people aside from stockholders in
+electric-lighting companies which used to make a good living out of them
+sky signs. For instance, what's going to become of the fellers that
+manufactured them and the firm of certified public accountants _nebich_
+which lost the job of adding up the figures on the meters, because while
+any _Schlemiel_ with a good imagination would be trusted to read the
+ordinary meter, Abe, the job of figuring the damages on a sky sign which
+is eating up a couple of million kilowatt-years every twenty minutes is
+something else again."
+
+"And yet, Mawruss, while I 'ain't got such a soft heart that I could
+even have sympathy for an electric-lighting company, understand me,
+still I am sorry to see them sky signs go," Abe said, "because lots of
+fellers from the small towns, members of rotary clubs and the like, used
+to get a great deal of pleasure from seeing a kitten made out of three
+hundred thousand electric bulbs playing with a spool of silk made out of
+five hundred and fifty thousand bulbs, and there was something very
+fascinating about watching that automobile tire which used to light up
+and go out every once in a while somewheres around the upper end of
+Times Square."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But if you was spending your good money
+for such an advertised tire, Abe, it wouldn't be very fascinating to
+watch it blow out every once in a while on account the manufacturer had
+to skimp the rubber in order to pay the electric-light bills, Abe, and
+if any of them members of rotary clubs is in the dry-goods business and
+has to pay fancy prices for spool silk, Abe, they are _oser_ going to
+thank the salesmen for the good time they put in while in New York
+rubbering at his firm's sky sign, because you know as well as I do, Abe,
+when it comes right down to it, nothing costs a customer so much as free
+entertainment."
+
+"Of course, Mawruss," Abe said, "the idee of them electric sky signs is
+not to entertain, but to advertise, and as an advertising man told me
+the other day, Mawruss, the advertised article is just as low in price
+as the same article would be if unadvertised, the reason being that the
+advertised article's output is greater and that he wanted me to
+advertise in the _Daily Cloak and Suit Record_."
+
+"Well, certainly, if the output is greater the cost of production is or
+should ought to be less," Morris observed, "so I think the feller was
+right at that, Abe."
+
+"That's what I told him," Abe continued, "but I also said that if I
+would put for fifty cents a day an advertisement in the paper,
+y'understand, my partner would never let me hear the end of it."
+
+"Is _that_ so!" Morris exclaimed. "Since when did I kick that we
+shouldn't do no advertising?"
+
+"Never mind," Abe retorted. "I heard you speak often about advertising
+the same like you done just now about sky signs, which it is already a
+back-number idee that advertising raised the price of goods to the
+customer and--"
+
+"Listen!" Morris interrupted. "If I would got it such a back-number
+idees like you, Abe, I would put myself into a home for chronic
+Freemasons or something, which I always was in favor of advertising,
+except that I believe there is advertising and _advertising_, Abe, and
+when an advertisement only makes you think of what it costs, instead of
+what it advertises, like sky signs, y'understand, to me it ain't an
+advertisement at all. It's just a warning."
+
+"Did I say it wasn't?" Abe asked. "The way you talk, Mawruss, you would
+think I was in favor of electric signs, whereas I believe that in times
+like these a very little publicity goes an awful long ways, Mawruss,
+which if them Congressmen down in Washington was requested by the Coal
+Commission to keep it a trifle dark and not use up so much candle-power
+in advertising the mistakes that has been made by some fellers now
+working for the government which 'ain't had as much experience in
+covering up their tracks as, we would say, for example, a Congressman,
+Mawruss, that wouldn't do no harm, neither."
+
+"It ain't a question of covering tracks, Abe," Morris declared, "because
+them business men which is now working for the government are perfectly
+honest, although they do make mistakes in their jobs and get rattled
+easy on the witness-stand, which if such fellers _was_ dishonest, Abe,
+even a Congressman would know enough not to advertise it."
+
+"As a matter of fact, Mawruss," Abe declared, "them Congressmen ain't
+calculating to advertise anybody or anything but themselves. Yes,
+Mawruss, the way some United States Senators acts you would think they
+was trying to get a national reputation as first-class, cracker-jack,
+A-number-one police-court lawyers, and the expert manner in which they
+can confuse and worry a high-grade Diston who is sacrificing his time
+and money to help out the government and make him appear a crook,
+y'understand, must be a source of great satisfaction to the folks back
+home--in Germany.
+
+"And it certainly ain't helping to win the war any, Mawruss, which most
+people would get the idee from reading the accounts of it in the
+newspapers that Mr. Hoover was tried by the United States Senate and
+found guilty of boosting the price of sugar in the first degree."
+
+"Well, in that case, Abe," Morris suggested, "even if we are a little
+short of fuel it would of been better for the sugar situation, and maybe
+also the wool uniforms also, if, instead of getting publicity through
+investigations, y'understand, the United States Senate would fix up an
+electric sign for the front of the Capitol at Washington and make
+Senator Reed the top-liner in big letters like Eva Tanguay or Mr. Louis
+Mann, because here in America we've got incandescent bulbs to burn,
+Abe, but we have only one Hoover, and we should ought to take care of
+him."
+
+"Understand me, Mawruss," Abe declared, emphatically, "it ain't that I
+object to a certain amount of light being thrown on the mistakes that is
+made in running the war, if it wasn't that they keep everything so dark
+about the progress that is also made--the submarines we are sinking, the
+number of soldiers we've got it in France, and what them boys is doing
+over there, and while I know there's good reasons for it, maybe it's
+like this here Broadway proposition--it pays to keep it dark, but it
+might pay better to keep it light, which I understand that all the
+lighting company saves in coal by cutting out the sky signs is less than
+thirty tons a night."
+
+"Thirty tons a night would warm a whole lot of people, Abe," Morris
+said.
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But even at ten dollars a ton, Mawruss, it
+would be only a saving of three hundred dollars, which I bet yer some
+restaurants on Broadway has lost that much money apiece since the
+lighting orders went into effect."
+
+"That may be," Morris admitted, "but what the Coal Commission is trying
+to save ain't money, Abe. It's coal. And that is one of the points about
+this war that people 'ain't exactly realized yet. Money ain't what it
+once used to was before this war, Abe. You can still make it, lose it,
+spend it, and save it, but you couldn't sweeten your coffee with it or
+heat your house with it till there's sugar and coal enough to go
+around. Also it's only a question of time when money won't get you to
+Pallum Beach in the winter or Maine in the summer unless the government
+official in charge of the railroads thinks it is necessary, and also if
+this war only goes on long enough and wool gets any scarcer, Abe, money
+won't buy you a new pair of pants even until you can put up a good
+enough argument with it to convince a government pants inspector that
+it's a case of either buying a new pair of pants or a frock-coat to make
+the old ones decent, understand me."
+
+"But the papers has said right straight along that money would win this
+war, Mawruss," Abe said.
+
+"Yes, and it could lose it, too, according to the way it is spent,"
+Morris continued, "and particularly right now when money can still buy
+things which the government needs for the soldiers, y'understand, money
+is a dangerous article in the hands of some people who think that the
+feller which don't feel the high price of sugar is more privileged to
+eat it than the feller which could barely afford it."
+
+"Even so," Abe remarked, "it seems to me that not spending money must be
+an easy way to be patriotic."
+
+"And some fellers is just natural-born patriots that way," Morris added,
+"and if they ain't, y'understand, the war is going to make them. It's
+going to give the rich man the same chance to be a good sitson as the
+poor man, and it's made a fine start by taking the lights off of
+Broadway so that you couldn't tell it from a respectable street, like
+Lexington Avenue."
+
+"Couldn't a street be lighted up and still be respectable?" Abe asked.
+
+"Yes, and a rich man could spend his money foolishly and also be
+respectable," Morris agreed, "but not in war-times."
+
+
+
+
+XVII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE PEACE PROGRAM, INCLUDING THE ADDED EXTRA
+FEATURE AND THE SUPPER TURN
+
+
+"It seems that this here Luxberg, the German representative in Argentine
+which sent them _spurlos versenkt_ letters, has been crazy for years,
+Mawruss," Abe Potash said, one morning in January.
+
+"Yes?" Morris Perlmutter said. "And when did they find _that_ out, Abe?"
+
+"It's an old story, Mawruss," Abe replied. "Everybody knew it in Berlin,
+only they never happened to think of it until we discovered those
+letters in the private mail of the Swedish minister."
+
+"And what do they lay the Swedish minister's behavior to, Abe?" Morris
+inquired. "Stomach trouble?"
+
+"_That_ they didn't say," Abe continued. "But I guess they figure that
+Sweden should think up her own alibis."
+
+"Well, it's a hopeful sign when the Germans realize that them Luxberg
+letters sound like the idees of a crazy man, Abe," Morris said,
+"although compared to Zimmermann's break about handing Mexico a couple
+of our Southern states if she went to war with us, y'understand,
+Luxberg's letters ain't so _meshuggah_, neither. So it seems to me, Abe,
+that Germany would be doing well to say that Luxberg was drunk when he
+wrote them letters, because later when it comes to explaining the
+hundreds of rotten acts that Germans has done in this war, Abe, Germany
+is going to have to think up a lot of excuses, and she may as well keep
+the insanity defense for somebody who would really need it, like the
+Kaiser."
+
+"Don't worry about the Kaiser, Mawruss," Abe said. "For years already
+that feller has been getting up such strong evidence for an insanity
+defense, in the way of speeches to soldiers, y'understand, that he could
+feel absolutely safe in not only doing what he _has_ been doing, but
+also what Doctor Waite and Harry Thaw did, too, because all that the
+counsel for the defense would got to do is to read the Kaiser's remarks
+at Koenigsburg, for instance, and five minutes after the jury had
+returned a verdict without leaving their seats, y'understand, the Kaiser
+would be on his way up to the Matteawan Asylum for the Criminal Insane."
+
+"There ain't much danger of that, anyway," Morris declared, "because I
+read them fourteen propositions of Mr. Wilson's peace program, and so
+far as any mention is made of punishing the guilty parties, Abe, you
+might suppose the _Lusitania_ had never been sunk at all, which it may
+be dumbness on my part, Abe, but the way it looks to me is that if
+them fourteen propositions is fourteen net, and not ten, five, and two
+and one-half off for cash, understand me, we have got to give Germany
+such a big licking before she accepts them that we might just so well
+give her a bigger one and add propositions from fifteen to twenty
+inclusive, of which proposition sixteen would contain the same demands
+as proposition fifteen, except that the person upon whom the sentence
+was to be carried out would be the Crown Prince instead of the Kaiser,
+but no flowers in either case, understand me, and if twenty propositions
+wasn't enough to take care of all the responsible parties we could add
+as many more propositions as necessary."
+
+[Illustration: "And five minutes after the jury had returned a verdict
+would be on his way up to the Matteawan Asylum for the Criminal
+Insane."]
+
+"What you are trying to fix up, Mawruss, ain't a program, but a
+catalogue, Mawruss," Abe commented, "which if we want to get a
+performance of Mr. Wilson's program, y'understand, and they're going to
+have a lot of trouble putting that number over with a satisfactory sea,
+on account they would either have to paint a sea, dig a sea, or have
+some sort of a sea effect, because Poland is like Iowa, Mawruss--the
+only time you could get a glimpse of the sea there is when they run off
+one of them Annette Kellermann filums in a moving-picture theayter."
+
+"That only goes to show what you know from Poland," Morris retorted,
+"because in seventeen ninety-three a lot of the sea-front of Prussia
+belonged to Poland."
+
+"Yes, and in seventeen ninety-three a lot of the sea-front of Texas
+belonged to Mexico," Abe continued. "So I guess Mr. Wilson must have
+some sea in mind which ain't barred by the statute of limitations; but
+that ain't here nor there, because getting a sea to Poland ain't the
+biggest difficulty in carrying out the peace program. Take, for
+instance, number six on the program, which is a proposed turn or act by
+all the Allies, entitled, 'Welcoming Russia into the Society of Free
+Nations.' The directions is that the performers should give Russland all
+sorts of assistance of every kind that she may need, and also to behave
+kindly to her, y'understand, and no sooner does Mr. Wilson come out with
+this, so to speak sob scenario, understand me, than Trotzky & Lenine get
+right back at him with a counter-proposition, so I guess that the
+present number six will be taken out of the program, and another number
+substituted for it, like this:
+
+                          VI
+
+ Extra Added Feature, the Popular Russian Dramatic Stars
+            in R�les that Suit Them to Perfection
+
+            LEON TROTZKY & LENINE BARNEY
+
+         In 'Nix on the Bonds,' a Playlet with a Punch.
+ Suspense, Surprise, Finish, and All the Fixings that Make a
+       Snappy Dramatic Entertainment in Tabloid Form."
+
+"The mistake that Mr. Wilson made in number six on the program was that
+he took it for granted when the Allies welcomed Russland into the
+Society of Free Nations, Russia would behave like a new member should
+ought to behave, instead of which Russia started right in by giving a
+bad check for her initiation fees and first annual dues," Morris said.
+"She has also got out of the United States railroad supplies, munitions,
+and food, y'understand, and after giving bonds in payment, Abe, she
+turns right round and refuses to make good on 'em and at the same time
+practically says, 'What are you going to do about it?' and all this is
+right on top of Mr. Wilson saying, 'The treatment accorded to Russia by
+her sister nations,' y'understand, 'in the months to come,' _verstehst
+du mich_, 'will be the acid test of their good-will,' understand me,
+'and of their intelligent and unselfish sympathy.'"
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," Abe remarked, "the English which I learned it at
+night school, Mawruss, was more or less a popular-price line of
+language, and when Mr. Wilson comes across every once in a while with
+one of them exclusive models in the way of speeches, using principally
+high-grade words in imported designs, understand me, I ain't no more
+equipped to handle his stuff than a manufacturer of fly-papers is to
+make flying-machines, _but_ as an ignorant business man, Mawruss, which
+you would be the last person to admit that I ain't, Mawruss, it seems to
+me that the acid test of our good-will is not going to be the way we
+treat Russland, but the way Russia treats us; and, in fact, Mawruss,
+Russia already poured a little acid on us long before this. But now when
+she renigs on her bonds and practically gives us a whole bathful of
+acid, Mawruss, for my part the treatment needn't go on for months to
+come. I am satisfied with the acid test so far as it's gone _this_
+month, Mawruss, because it don't make no difference what kind of acid
+you use, Mawruss, a dead beat is a dead beat, understand me, and for a
+dead beat nobody has got any sympathy--either intelligent or unselfish,
+or unintelligent and selfish. Am I right or wrong, Mawruss?"
+
+"I wouldn't worry my head over that if I was you, Abe," Morris said,
+"because, as you said just now, Russland will attend to that number on
+the program for herself. But what is troubling me is number one, which
+provides that peace shall be made openly, and at the same time does away
+with the possibility that some afternoon when you and me gets out of
+here, after making up our minds that the war would last for ten years
+yet, we would buy a Sporting Extra with Final Wall Street Complete, and
+see the whole front page filled up mit the word PEACE in letters a foot
+high, understand me, which it has always been in the back of my head
+that the next time Colonel House would slip off to Europe no one would
+know anything about till the treaty of peace comes back signed 'Woodrow
+Wilson, per E.M.H.' But if the first number on the program goes through
+as planned, Abe, and we have open covenants of peace openly arrived at,
+y'understand, why, then, that will be something else again."
+
+"You bet your life it would be something else again," Abe agreed,
+fervently, "and what is more, Mawruss, not only would them covenants of
+peace be open, but they would remain open for a long time, because
+there's a whole lot of Senators, Congressmen, ex-Senators,
+ex-Congressmen, and ex-Presidents which is laying for the opportunity
+when peace is proposed, so that they can discuss the peace terms with
+one another, openly, frankly, and in the public view, as Mr. Wilson
+would say. Yes, Mawruss, there's several political orators in and out of
+Congress which has got the word 'traitor' in their system and has got to
+get it out again in reference to somebody--preferably a member of the
+Cabinet--before peace negotiations is closed, and there is also such
+indigestible words like 'pusillanimous,' which gives certain
+ex-Presidents a feeling of fullness around the throat, and a couple of
+Senators will need time to find out just what the other Senators wants
+to do about them peace terms so that they can differ with them; and
+looking at it one way and another, Mawruss, if Senator Wadsworth and
+Senator McKellar thinks it is taking a long time to get ready for war,
+they should wait till we get ready for peace, Mawruss, and if they don't
+want to be afterward holding investigations as to why the throat
+specialists wasn't mobilized on time, Mawruss, they should start right
+in and mobilize the throat specialists, and also it wouldn't do any harm
+to find out the available stock of cough-drops is in the hands of the
+dealers, so that the lung power of the nation can go forth to holler
+for peace equipped to the last menthol lozenge."
+
+"In a way, that ain't no joke, neither, Abe," Morris said. "There is
+people that Mr. Wilson didn't include in his war program which is going
+to do their utmost to horn in on his peace program at the very best spot
+in the bill. Take Mr. Roosevelt, and his friends will no doubt insist
+that Mr. Wilson does a supper turn while Mr. Roosevelt goes on
+somewheres around nine forty-five, because to-day yet they're talking
+about making the Presidency of the United States a coalition affair, in
+which Wilson, Roosevelt, and Taft would be equal partners with the same
+drawing account and everything."
+
+"And where does Mr. Wilson get off in this coalition business?" Abe
+inquired. "Ain't two undivided one-thirds of the Presidency of the
+United States for the unexpired portion of his term worth nothing to Mr.
+Wilson, even at short rates, Mawruss?"
+
+"Well," Morris replied, "I suppose Roosevelt and Taft would throw in
+their experience as Presidents."
+
+"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "There ain't a week goes by nowadays but what Mr.
+Wilson gets more experience as President than Taft and Roosevelt did in
+both their terms put together, so I don't think you need waste no more
+breath about it, Mawruss. When the people last time elected a President
+of the United States they chose Mr. Wilson as an individual, not as a
+co-partner, and you could take it from me, Mawruss, it don't make no
+difference whether it would be a peace program or a war program which
+Mr. Wilson is fixing up, the name of the chief performer on it was
+settled by the people a year ago last November!"
+
+
+
+
+XVIII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE NEW NATIONAL HOLIDAYS
+
+
+"Yes, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, after Mr. Garfield had announced the
+five-day shut-down, "one of the hardest things that a patriotic sitson
+is called on to do nowadays is to have faith in those fellers which is
+running the Fuel Commission, the Food Commission, and all the other
+commissions that they ain't such big fools as you would think for."
+
+"Well, you don't think this here Garfield would close up the country for
+five days unless it would be necessary, ain't it?" Morris Perlmutter
+retorted.
+
+"Certainly I don't," Abe agreed. "But what is troubling me is that he
+ain't said as yet for why it is necessary, Mawruss."
+
+"Maybe he 'ain't figured it out yet," Morris suggested. "And even if he
+didn't, Abe, it stands to reason that if the country don't burn no coal
+for five days, at the end of five days they would still got the coal
+they didn't burn, provided they had got any coal at all to start with."
+
+"But as I understand it, Mawruss," Abe said, "not burning coal 'ain't
+got nothing at all to do mit Mr. Garfield's order that we shouldn't burn
+no coal. It seems from what ex-President Taft says and also from what a
+professor by the name of Jinks _oder_ Jenks says, Mawruss, Mr. Garfield
+done it because the people 'ain't begun to realize that we are at war,
+Mawruss."
+
+"You mean to say that _again_ the people don't begin to realize we are
+at war?" Morris exclaimed. "It couldn't be possible, Abe. Here we have
+had two Liberty Loan campaigns, a military draft which took in every
+little cross-road village in the country, a war-tax bill that hits
+everybody and everything, and people like Mr. Taft and Professor Jinks
+saying day in and day out that the people 'ain't begun to realize we are
+at war, y'understand, and yet you try to tell me that the people has
+slipped right back into not beginning to realize we are at war, Abe."
+
+"I don't try to tell you nothing," Abe said. "For my part I think it's
+time that somebody put them wise, Mawruss."
+
+"What do you mean--put them wise?" Morris demanded. "The people knows
+that--"
+
+"Who is saying anything about the people?" Abe interrupted. "I am
+talking about Mr. Taft and this here Professor Jinks, Mawruss. Them
+fellers has got ideas from spring and summer designs of nineteen
+seventeen. What we are looking for from the big men of the country is
+new ideas for the late summer of nineteen eighteen and fall and winter
+seasons of nineteen eighteen, nineteen nineteen, and this here
+people-'ain't-begun-to-realize talk was already a back-number line of
+conversation in June, nineteen seventeen."
+
+"But what them fellers is driving into, Abe," Morris observed, "is that
+it's going to help the war along if the people of America should be made
+to suffer along with the people of France and England. They figure that
+it ain't going to do us Americans a bit of harm to know how them
+Frenchers feel, _nebich_, with the Germans holding on to their
+coal-supply, Abe."
+
+"Well, we could get the same effect by going round in athaletic
+underwear and no overcoats, Mawruss," Abe retorted, "so if that's what
+Mr. Taft claims Mr. Garfield shut off the coal for, Mawruss, he is
+beating around the wrong bushes."
+
+"And he ain't the only one, neither, Abe," Morris said. "From the way
+other people is talking, Abe, you would think that in order to get into
+this war _right_, y'understand, we should ought to go to work and blow
+up a few dozen American cathedrals, send up airyoplanes over New York,
+and drop a couple gross bombs on the business section of the town,
+poison the water-supply, cut off the milk for the babies, and do
+everything else that them miserable Germans did to France and England,
+not to say also Russia, y'understand. This will cause us to become so
+sore, understand me, that everybody of fighting age will want to fight,
+and the rest of us will be willing to work in the munition-factories and
+spend all our time and money to end a war where American cathedrals is
+being blown up, airyoplanes is bombing New York, and babies is suffering
+for want of milk, Abe."
+
+"You mean that Professor Jinks is willing to have us believe that Mr.
+Garfield is shutting off the coal, not because it's necessary, but
+because it's the equivalence of us bombing our own cities and making
+ourselves feel sore?" Abe asked. "Mr. Garfield?"
+
+"Ordinary people which ain't professors and ex-Presidents might figure
+that way," Morris continued, "but it seems that the theory is we are
+going to feel sore at Germany, Abe."
+
+"Well," Abe commented, "I am perfectly willing to feel sore at Germany
+for the things she has done in this war, Mawruss, and I am so sore at
+Germany, anyway, that I am also willing to feel sore at her for the
+things which she 'ain't done also, Mawruss, but so far as Mr. Garfield
+is concerned, y'understand, I prefer to think that he's a hard-working
+feller which could once in a while make a mistake, understand me, and
+that if he cuts off the coal, it's on account he thinks it's necessary
+to save the coal. Because if I thought the way Professor Jinks thinks,
+Mawruss, and I should meet Mr. Garfield face to face somewheres,
+understand me, the least they could send me up for would be using rotten
+language tending to cause a breach of the peace, y'understand."
+
+"Sure I know, Abe," Morris agreed. "But the chances is that Mr. Taft and
+Professor Jinks may have a private idee that when Mr. Garfield shut
+down on the coal he could of saved coal in some other way, and so in
+order that he shouldn't get stumped for explanations afterward,
+y'understand, they are taking this way of giving him what they think is
+a good pointer in that line, understand me, because if you read the
+papers this morning, Abe, there must be thousands of prominent sitsons
+which claims to be patriotic, y'understand, and from what them fellers
+said about Mr. Garfield, Abe, it was plain to me that the stuff they was
+holding back from saying about him was pretty near giving them apoplexy,
+y'understand."
+
+"Well, when it comes to cussing out the Fuel Administrator, Mawruss,"
+Abe said, "them prominent sitsons wouldn't have nothing on the
+unprominent sitsons which is going to lose five days' pay now and one
+day's pay a week for ten weeks later. Yes, Mawruss, what them poor
+people is going to call Mr. Garfield during the five days they will lay
+off is going to pretty near warm up their cold homes even if it ain't
+going to provide food for their families, Mawruss. Furthermore, Mawruss,
+five continuous days is going to give them an opportunity to do a lot
+more real, hard thinking than they could do if they would have, we would
+say, for example, only one hour a day lay-off every other day over a
+period of a hundred days, Mawruss, and if at the end of them five days,
+Mawruss, they are going to take as much interest in the problems of this
+war as they are in the problem of how they are going to catch up with
+what they owe for five days' food and rent, Mawruss, I miss my guess,
+because Mr. Taft and Professor Jinks may think that them fellers is
+going to spend their five days' lockout in looking up war maps and
+sticking little colored flags in the positions now held by the French
+and German troops or in reading up the life of General Pershing and _My
+Three Years in Germany_ by Ambassador Gerard, Mawruss, _but I don't_."
+
+"And yet, Abe, admitting all you say is true, y'understand, what reason
+do you got for supposing that before Mr. Garfield shut off the coal he
+didn't also consider all these things, when they even occurred to a
+feller like you?" Morris asked.
+
+"What do you mean--a feller like me?" Abe demanded. "Thousands of people
+the country over is saying the selfsame thing."
+
+"I know they are," Morris said. "And why you and they should think that
+what occurred to thousands of people the country over shouldn't also
+occur to Mr. Garfield, Abe, is beyond me. Now I don't know no more about
+this coal proposition than you do, Abe, but I am willing to take a
+chance that when a big man like Garfield, backed up by President Wilson,
+does a crazy thing like this, y'understand, he must have had an awful
+good reason for it, no matter how good the reasons were against it."
+
+"Did I say he didn't?" Abe said.
+
+"Then why knock the feller?" Morris asked.
+
+"Say, looky here, Mawruss," Abe retorted, "are we living in Germany or
+America? An idee! On twenty-four hours' notice the government shuts off
+the coal-supply of the country and you expect that all that the people
+would say is, '_Omane! Solo!_' ('Amen! Selah!')."
+
+"Well, that's the way a government does business--on short notice, Abe,
+which if Mr. Garfield would be one of them take-it-on-the-other-hand
+fellers who considers the matter from every angle before he decides,
+y'understand, while he would have still got a couple of thousand angles
+to consider the matter from, Abe, the country would have been tied up
+into such knots over the coal-and-freight situation that it would have
+required not five days, but five hundred days, to untangle it,
+y'understand," Morris said.
+
+"But it seems to me, Mawruss, that Mr. Garfield could have spent, say,
+twenty-five minutes longer on that order of his, so that a manufacturer
+could tell from reading it over a few dozen times, with the assistance
+of a first-class, cracker-jack, A-number-one criminal lawyer, just what
+it was he couldn't do without making himself liable to a fine of five
+thousand dollars and one year imprisonment, y'understand," Abe said. "In
+fact, Mawruss, if the average manufacturer is going to try to understand
+that order before he does anything about it he'll have to shut down for
+five days while he is working to puzzle it out, and then he will keep
+his place closed down for five days longer while he is resting up from
+brain fag, understand me. Take, for instance, a department store which
+sells liquors and groceries, has a doctor in charge of the rest-room,
+and runs a public lunch-room in the basement, y'understand, and if the
+proprietor decided to make a test case of it by hiring John B.
+Stanchfield and keeping open on Monday, Mawruss, once Mr. Garfield got
+on the witness-stand and started to explain just what the exemptions
+exempted, y'understand, it would be years and years before he ever had a
+chance to see the old college again."
+
+"But Mr. Garfield wrote that order to save coal, not arguments, Abe,"
+Morris said. "He expected that the business men of the country would do
+the sensible thing next Monday by staying home and playing pinochle or
+poker, and those fellers which don't know enough about cards to even
+_kibbitze_ the game, y'understand, could go into another room and start
+in on their income-tax blanks, which, when it comes to figuring out what
+is capital and what is income in the excess-profits returns, Abe, there
+is many a business man which would not only put in all his Mondays
+between now and the first of March trying to straighten it out,
+y'understand, but would also be asking for further extensions of time to
+finish it up along about the fifteenth of April."
+
+"And that's the way it goes, Mawruss," Abe commented, with a sigh. "It
+use to was in the old days that all a feller had to know to go into the
+clothing business was clothing, y'understand, but nowadays a
+manufacturer of clothing or any other merchandise must also got to be a
+certified public accountant, an expert of high-grade words from the
+English language, a liar, a detective, and should also be able to take
+the stand on his own behalf in such a level-head way that the assistant
+district attorney couldn't get him rattled on cross-examination."
+
+"Well, my advice to these test-case fellers, Abe," Morris concluded, "is
+this: Be patriotic now. Don't wait till you're indicted."
+
+
+
+
+XIX
+
+MR. WILSON: THAT'S ALL
+
+   Potash and Perlmutter discuss the Chamberlain suggestion.
+
+
+"You know how it is yourself, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, one morning in
+January. "If you would see somebody nailing up something your first idee
+is to say: 'Here, give me that hammer. Is that a way to nail up a
+packing-case?' And then, if you went to work and showed him how, the
+chances is that before you get through the packing-case would look like
+it had been nailed up with a charge of shrapnel, and for six months
+people would be asking you what's the matter with your sore thumb.
+Painting is the same way. There's mighty few people which could see
+anybody else doing a home job of enameling without they would want to
+grab ahold of the brush and get themselves covered with enamel from head
+to foot, y'understand. So can you imagine the way Mr. Roosevelt is
+feeling about this war, Mawruss?"
+
+"Well, you've got to hand it to Mr. Roosevelt," Morris Perlmutter said.
+"He has had some small experience in that line, although, at that,
+you've got to take his statements of what ain't being done to run the
+war right with a grain of salt, Abe, whereas with Senator Chamberlain,
+y'understand, when he says that the President ain't running the war
+right according to the idees of a man which used to was a practising
+lawyer and politician out in the state of Oregon, y'understand, and,
+therefore, Abe, his speeches should ought to be barred by the Food
+Conservation Commission as being contrary to the Save the Salt
+movement."
+
+"But even Mr. Roosevelt, which he may or may not know anything about
+running a modern army, as the case may be and probably ain't, Mawruss,
+because lots of changes has come about in the running of armies since
+Mr. Roosevelt went out of the business, Mawruss," Abe said, "but as I
+was saying, Mawruss, even Mr. Roosevelt, as big a patriot as _he_ is,
+y'understand, ain't above spoiling a perfectly good job half done by Mr.
+Wilson, because he just couldn't resist saying: 'Here, give me hold of
+them soldiers. Is that a way to run an army?"
+
+"And besides, Abe," Morris said, "there's a great many people in this
+country, including Mr. Roosevelt, which believes that the only man which
+has got any license to say how the army should ought to be run is Mr.
+Roosevelt, y'understand, and ever since we got into this war, Abe, them
+fellers has been hanging around looking at Mr. Wilson like a crowd
+watching a feller gilding the ball on the top of the Metropolitan
+Tower, not wishing the feller any harm, y'understand, and hoping that he
+will either get away with it unhurt or make the drop while they are
+still standing there."
+
+"They ain't so patient like all that, Mawruss," Abe said. "Them fellers
+has got so tired waiting for Mr. Wilson to fall down on his job that
+they now want to drag him down or, anyhow, trip him up."
+
+"Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that," Morris declared, "but it
+looks to me that when Mr. Roosevelt read the results of the Senate
+investigations, y'understand, he wasn't as much shocked and surprised as
+he would have liked to have been, although to hear Senator Chamberlain
+talk you might think that what them investigations showed was bad enough
+to satisfy not only Mr. Roosevelt, but the Kaiser and his friends, also,
+when, as a matter of fact, the worst that any good American can say
+about Mr. Wilson as a result of them investigations is that instead of
+hiring angels who performed miracles, y'understand, he hired human
+beings who made mistakes."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But the worst thing of all that Mr. Wilson
+did was to say that Senator Chamberlain was talking wild when he made a
+speech about how every department of the government had practically gone
+to pieces, which Senator Chamberlain says that no matter how wild he may
+have talked before, nobody ever accused him that he talked wild in all
+the twenty-four years he has held public office."
+
+"Well, that only goes to show how wild some people talk, Abe," Morris
+said, "because when a man has held office for twenty-four years, talking
+wild is the very least people accuse him of."
+
+"But as a matter of fact, Mawruss, a feller from Oregon was telling me
+that Senator Chamberlain has held public office ever since eighteen
+eighty," Abe said. "He has run for everything from Assemblyman to
+Governor, and if he ain't able to remember by fourteen years how long he
+has held public office, Mawruss, how could he blame Mr. Wilson for
+accusing him that he is talking wild, in especially as he now admits
+that when he said all the departments of the government had broken down,
+y'understand, what he really meant was that the War Department had
+broken down. His word should not be questioned, or, in effect, that when
+a Senator presents a statement, the terms he is entitled to are
+seventy-five per cent. discount for facts."
+
+"Some of 'em needs a hundred per cent.," Morris said, "but that ain't
+here nor there, Abe. This war is bigger than Mr. Chamberlain's
+reputation, even as big as Mr. Chamberlain thinks it is, and it don't
+make no difference to us how many speeches Mr. Roosevelt makes or what
+Senator Stone calls him or he calls Senator Stone. Furthermore, Senator
+Penrose, Senator McKellar, and this here Hitchcock can also volunteer to
+police the game, Abe, but when it comes right _to_ it, y'understand,
+every one of them fellers is just a _Kibbitzer_, the same like these
+nuisances that sit around a Second Avenue coffee-house and give free
+advice to the pinochle-players--all they can see is the cards which has
+been played, and as for the cards which is still remaining in Mr.
+Wilson's hand, they don't know no more about it than you or I do."
+
+"And the only kick they've got, after all," Abe said, "is that President
+Wilson won't expose his hand, which if he did, Mawruss, he might just so
+well throw the game to Germany and be done with it."
+
+"So you see, Abe, them fellers, including Mr. Roosevelt, is willing to
+let no personal modesty stand in the way of a plain patriotic duty, at
+least so far as thirty-three and a third per cent. of his answer was
+concerned. But at that, it wouldn't do him no good, Abe, because, owing
+to what Mr. Roosevelt maintains is an oversight at the time the
+Constitution of the United States was fixed up 'way back in the year
+seventeen seventy-six, y'understand, the President of the United States
+was appointed the Commander-in-chief to run the United States army and
+navy, and also the President was otherwise mentioned several other
+times, but you could read the Constitution backward and forward, from
+end to end, and the word ex-President ain't so much as hinted at,
+y'understand."
+
+"Evidencely they thought that an ex-President would be willing to stay
+ex," Abe suggested.
+
+"But Mr. Roosevelt ain't," Morris said. "All that he wanted from Mr.
+Wilson was a little encouragement to take some small, insignificant part
+in this war, Abe, and it would only have been a matter of a short time
+when it would have required an expert to tell which was the President
+and which was the ex, y'understand."
+
+"I don't agree with you, Mawruss," Abe said. "Where Mr. Wilson has made
+his big mistake is that he is conducting this war on the theory of the
+old whisky brogan, 'Wilson! That's All.' If he would only of understood
+that you couldn't run a restaurant, a garment business, or even a war
+without stopping once in a while to jolly the knockers, Mawruss, all
+this investigation stuff would never of happened. Why, if I would have
+been Mr. Wilson and had a proposition like Mr. Roosevelt on my hands it
+wouldn't make no difference how rushed I was, every afternoon him and me
+would drink coffee together, and after I had made up my mind what I was
+going to do I would put it up to him in such a way that he would think
+the suggestion came from him, y'understand. Then I would find out what
+it was that Senator Chamberlain preferred, _gefullte Rinderbrust_ or
+_Tzimmas_, and whenever we had it for dinner, y'understand, I would have
+Senator Chamberlain up to the house and after he had got so full of
+_Tzimmas_ that he couldn't argue no more I would tell him what me and
+Mr. Roosevelt had agreed upon, and it wouldn't make no difference if I
+said to him, 'Am I right or wrong?' or 'Ain't that the sensible view to
+take of it?' he would say, 'Sure!' in either case."
+
+"You may be right, Abe," Morris agreed, "but if he was to begin that way
+with Roosevelt and Chamberlain, the first thing you know, William
+Randolph Hearst would be looking to be invited up for a
+five-course-luncheon consultation, and the least Senator Wadsworth and
+Senator McKellar would expect would be an occasional Welsh rabbit up at
+the White House, which even if Mr. Wilson's conduct of the war didn't
+suffer by it, his digestion might, and the end would be, Abe, that every
+Senator who couldn't get the ear of the President with, anyhow, a Dutch
+lunch, would pull an investigation on him as bad as anything that
+Chamberlain ever started."
+
+"It's too bad them fellers couldn't act the way Mr. Taft is behaving,"
+Abe said. "There is an ex-President which is really and truly ex,
+y'understand, and seemingly don't want to be nothing else, neither."
+
+"Well, Mr. Taft has got a whole lot of sympathy for Mr. Wilson, Abe,"
+Morris said. "He knows how it is himself, because when he was President,
+y'understand, he also had experience with Mr. Roosevelt trying to police
+his administration."
+
+"There's only one remedy, so far as I could see, Morris," Abe said, "if
+we're ever going to have Mr. Wilson make any progress with the war."
+
+"You don't mean we should put through that law for the three brightest
+men in the country to run it?" Morris inquired.
+
+"No, sir," Abe replied. "Put through a law that after anybody has held
+the office of ex-President for two administrations, Mawruss, he should
+become a private sitson--and mind his own business."
+
+
+
+
+XX
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE GRAND-OPERA BUSINESS
+
+
+"Where grand opera gets its big boost, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, the
+morning after Madame Galli-Curci made her sensational first appearance
+in New York, "is that practically everybody with a rating higher than J
+to L, credit fair, hates to admit that it don't interest them at all."
+
+"And even if it did interest them, Abe," Morris Perlmutter said, "they
+would got to have at least that rating before they could afford it to
+buy a decent seat."
+
+"Most of them don't begrudge the money spent this way, Mawruss, because
+it comes under the head of advertising and not amusement," Abe said.
+"Next to driving a four-horse coach down Fifth Avenue in the afternoon
+rush hour with a feller playing a New-Year's-eve horn on the back of the
+roof, Mawruss, owning a box at the Metropolitan Opera House is the
+highest-grade form of publicity which exists, and the consequence is
+that other people which believes in that kind of advertising medium,
+but couldn't afford to take so much space per week, sits in the cheaper
+ten-and six-dollar seats. And that's how the Metropolitan Opera House
+makes its money, Mawruss. It gets a thousand times better rates as any
+of the big five-cent weeklies, and it don't have to worry about the
+second-class-postage zones."
+
+"But you don't mean to tell me that the people which stands up
+down-stairs and buys seats in the gallery is also looking for
+publicity?" Morris said.
+
+"Them people is something else, again," Abe replied. "They are as
+different from the rest of the audience as magazine-readers is from
+magazine-advertisers. Take the box-holders in the Metropolitan Opera
+House and they _oser_ give a nickel what happens to Caruso. He could get
+burned in 'Trovatore,' stabbed in 'Pagliacci,' go to the devil in
+'Faust,' and have his intended die on him in 'Boh�me,' and just so long
+as their names is spelled right on the programs it don't affect them
+millionaires no more than if, instead of being the greatest tenor in the
+world, he would be an Interstate Commerce Commissioner. On the other
+hand, them top-gallery fellers treats him like a little god,
+y'understand, which if Caruso hands them opera fans a high C, Mawruss,
+it's the equivalence of Dun or Bradstreet giving one of them box-holders
+an A-a."
+
+"Maybe you're right, Abe," Morris said, "but how do you account for
+people paying forty dollars for an orchestra seat at the Lexington
+Opera House just to hear this singer Galli-Curci in one performance
+only, which I admit I ain't no advertising expert, Abe, but it seems to
+me that if anybody is going to get benefit from publicity like that he
+might just so well circulate a picture of himself drinking champanyer
+wine out of a lady's satin slipper and be done with it, for all the good
+it is going to do him with the National Association of Credit Men."
+
+"That is another angle of the grand-opera proposition, Mawruss," Abe
+said. "Paying forty dollars for an orchestra seat to hear this lady with
+the Lloyd-George name is the same like an operation for appendicitis to
+some people, Mawruss. It not only makes them feel superior to their
+friends which 'ain't had the experience, but it gives 'em a tropic of
+conversation which is never going to be barred by the statue of
+limitations, and for months to come such a feller is going to go round
+saying, 'Well, I heard Galli-Curci the other night,' and it won't make
+no difference if it's a pinochle game, a lodge funeral, or a real-estate
+transaction, he's going to hold it up for from fifteen minutes to half
+an hour while he talks about her upper register, her middle register,
+and her lower register to a bunch of people who don't know whether a
+coloratura soprano can travel on a sleeper south to Washington, D.C., or
+has to use the Jim Crow cars."
+
+"All right, if it's such a crime not to know what a coloratura soprano
+is, Abe," Morris commented, "I'm guilty in the first degree. So go
+ahead, Abe. I'm willing to take my punishment. Tell me, what _is_ a
+coloratura soprano?"
+
+"I suppose you think I don't know," Abe said.
+
+"I don't think you don't know," Morris replied, "but I do think that the
+only reason you _do_ know, Abe, is that you 'ain't looked it up long
+enough since to have forgotten it."
+
+"Is _that_ so!" Abe exclaimed. "Well, that's where you make a big
+mistake. I am already an experienced hand at going on the opera. When I
+was by Old Man Baum we had a customer by the name Harris Feinsilver,
+which if you only get him started on how he heard Jenny Lind at what is
+now the Aquarium in Battery Park somewheres around eighteen hundred and
+fifty-two, y'understand, you could sell him every sticker in the place,
+and him and me went often on the opera together. In fact I got so that I
+didn't mind it at all, and that's how I become acquainted with the
+different grades of singers which works by grand opera. Take, for
+instance, sopranos, and they come in two classes. There is the soprano
+which hollers murder police and they call her a dramatic soprano. And
+then again there is the soprano which gargles. That is a coloratura
+soprano."
+
+"And people is paying forty dollars an orchestra seat to hear a woman
+gargle?" Morris exclaimed.
+
+"Of course I don't say she actually gargles, y'understand," Abe
+explained, "anyhow not all the time, Mawruss. Once in a while she sings
+a song which has got quite a tune in it pretty near up to the end, and
+then she carries on something terrible anywheres from two to eight
+minutes till the feller that runs the orchestra couldn't stand it no
+longer and he gives them the signal they should drown her out."
+
+[Illustration: "Take, for instance, sopranos, and they come in two
+classes. There is the soprano which hollers murder police and they call
+her a dramatic soprano. And then again there is the soprano which
+gargles. That is a coloratura soprano."]
+
+"I should think he would get to know when it is coming on her and drown
+her out before she starts," Morris said.
+
+"What do you mean--drown her out before she starts?" Abe continued.
+"That's what she gets paid for--carrying on in such a manner, and them
+people up in the top gallery goes crazy over it."
+
+"Then why don't the feller which runs the orchestra let her keep it up?"
+Morris asked.
+
+"A question!" Abe said. "There is from forty to fifty men working in the
+orchestra, and if the feller which runs it let them top-gallery people
+have their way it would cost him a fortune for overtime for them fellers
+that plays the fiddles alone."
+
+"He should arrange a wage scale accordingly," Morris said, "because it
+don't make no difference if it's the garment business or the grand-opera
+business, Abe, the customer should ought to come first."
+
+"_I_ always felt that I got _my_ money's worth, Mawruss," Abe said. "In
+particular when it comes to one of them operas with a coloratura soprano
+in it, y'understand, it seemed to me they could of cut down on the
+working time without hurting the quality of the goods in the slightest.
+There's always a good fifteen minutes wasted in such operas where a
+feller in the orchestra plays a little something on the flute and the
+coloratura soprano sings the same music on the stage, the idee being to
+show that you couldn't tell the difference between the feller playing
+the flute and the coloratura soprano except the feller playing the flute
+has all his clothes on. Then, again, during the death-bed scene in the
+last act they kill a whole lot of time also."
+
+"Do you mean to say there's a death-bed scene in every one of them
+operas?" Morris inquired.
+
+"Practically," Abe replied. "There ain't many grand operas where both
+the tenor and the soprano sticks it out alive till the end of the last
+act, Mawruss. Tenors, in particular, is awful risks, Mawruss, which I
+bet yer that eighty per cent. of the times I seen Caruso he either
+passed away along about quarter past eleven after an awful hard spell of
+singing, or give you the impression that he wasn't going to survive the
+soprano more than a couple of days at the outside."
+
+"And yet some people couldn't understand why everybody takes in the
+Winter Garden or Ziegfeld's Follies," Morris commented.
+
+"Of course I don't say that the audience suffers as much as if it was in
+the English language, but even when a lady dies in French or Italian I
+couldn't enjoy it, neither," Abe said.
+
+"It seems to me, Abe, that a feller which goes often on grand opera is
+lucky if he understands only English," Morris observed.
+
+"That's what you would naturally think, Mawruss," Abe agreed, "and yet
+there is people which is so anxious that they shouldn't miss none of
+the tenor's last words that they actually go to work and buy for
+twenty-five cents in the lobby a translation of the Italian operas,
+which I got stung that way only once, because to follow from the English
+translation what the singers is saying on the stage in Italian, Mawruss,
+a feller could be a combination of a bloodhound and a mind-reader,
+y'understand, and even then he would get twisted. For instance, Caruso
+comes out with a couple hundred assorted tenors and bassos, and so far
+as any human being could tell which don't understand Italian, Mawruss,
+he begs them that they shouldn't go out on strike right in the middle of
+the busy season, in particular when times is so hard and everything, and
+from the way he puts his hand on his heart it looks like he is also
+telling them that he is speaking to them as a friend, y'understand, and
+to consider their wives and children, understand me. All the effect this
+seems to have on them is that they yell, 'Down with the bosses!' and
+they insist on a closed shop and that the terms of the protocol should
+be lived up to. This gets Caruso crazy. He grabs his vest with both
+hands and makes one last big appeal, y'understand, in which he tells
+them that the delegates is stalling and that they are being made suckers
+of, and that if it would be the last word he would ever speak, the
+sensible thing is for them to go right back to work and leave it to
+arbitration by a joint board consisting of the president of the
+Manufacturers' Association, the chairman of the Garment Workers' Union,
+and Jacob H. Schiff, y'understand, but do you think they would listen to
+him? _Oser a St�ck!_ They laugh in his face, and it don't make no
+difference that he repeats it an octave higher accompanied by the
+fiddles, and gives them one last chance, ending on a high C,
+y'understand, they refuse to reconsider the matter, and when the curtain
+goes down it looks like the strike was on for fair. However, when the
+lights are turned on and you look it up in the English translation, what
+do you find? The entire thing was a false alarm, Mawruss. It seems that
+for twenty minutes Caruso has been singing over and over again, 'Come,
+my friends, let us go,' and the whole time them people was acting like
+they wanted to tear him to pieces, they have been saying, 'Yes, yes, let
+us go' a thousand times over, and that's all there was _to_ it."
+
+"Well, after all, with a grand opera, it ain't so much the words as the
+music," Morris commented.
+
+"Even the music they don't take it so particular about nowadays," Abe
+continued. "In fact, the up-to-date thing in grand opera is not to have
+any music, Mawruss, only samples, which some of them newest grand
+operas, Mawruss, if it wouldn't be that the people on the stage is
+making such a racket instead of the people in the audience you would
+think that the orchestra was continuing to tune up during the entire
+evening."
+
+"Seemingly you didn't get a whole lot out of your visits to the opera,
+Abe," Morris said.
+
+"Oh yes, I did," Abe replied. "I got some wonderful idees for
+dinner-dress designs and evening gowns. I 'ain't got no kick coming
+against the opera, Mawruss. A garment-manufacturer can put in a very
+profitable evening there any night if he can only stand the music."
+
+
+
+
+XXI
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE MAGAZINE IN WAR-TIMES
+
+
+"I am just now reading an article by a feller which his name I couldn't
+remember, but he used to was a baseball-writer for the New York _Moon,"_
+Abe Potash said, as he laid down one of the several weeklies that have
+the largest circulation in the United States.
+
+"Is this a time to read about baseball?" Morris Perlmutter asked.
+
+"What do you mean--baseball?" Abe demanded. "I said that the feller
+_used_ to was a baseball-writer, but he is now a dramatic cricket."
+
+"With me and dramatic crickets, Abe," Morris said, "it is always
+showless Tuesday, which when it comes to knocking plays, Abe, believe
+me, I don't need no assistance from nobody."
+
+"Who said he is knocking plays, Mawruss?" Abe protested. "This here
+dramatic cricket has just returned from the western front, and he says
+that the way it looks now the war would last until--"
+
+"Excuse me for interrupting you, Abe," Morris said, "but is there an
+article in that paper by a soldier which used to was a certified public
+accountant telling what is going to happen in the show business,
+because, if so, it might interest me, y'understand, but what a dramatic
+cricket who is also an ex-baseball-writer has got to say about the war,
+Abe, would only make me mad, Abe, because there is people writing about
+this war which really knows something about it, whereas as a general
+proposition it don't make no difference who writes about the show
+business, he usually don't know no more about it as, for example, a
+baseball-writer."
+
+"That's where you make a big mistake, Mawruss," Abe said. "I have read
+articles about the war ever since the war started, and so far as I could
+see, Mawruss, the fellers which wrote them might just so well of stayed
+at home and got their dope from actors and baseball-players, because you
+take, for instance, the fellers which has written about conditions in
+Russland, Mawruss, and claims to have their information right on the
+spot from the Russian working-men and soldiers, y'understand, and from
+the way them fellers is all the time springing _Nitchyvo!_ and _Da!_ in
+their articles, Mawruss, it's a hundred-to-one proposition that them two
+words was all the Russian they was equipped with to carry on their
+conversations with them moujiks."
+
+"For that matter, the fellers which writes the articles about the French
+end of the war don't seem to have had a nervous breakdown from studying
+French, neither," Morris observed. "All the French which them fellers
+puts into their writings is _O.U.I., m'sieu_, which don't look to me to
+be any more efficient as _C.O.D., m'sieu_, when it comes to finding out
+from a feller which speaks only French what he thinks about the war."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But a feller which writes such an article
+ain't aiming to tell what the French people thinks about the war. He is
+only writing what _he_ thinks French people is thinking about the war;
+in fact, Mawruss, I've yet got to see the war article which contains as
+much information about the war and the people fighting in the war as
+about the feller which is writing the article, and the consequence is
+that after you put in a whole evening reading such an article you find
+that you've learned a lot of facts which might be of interest to the war
+correspondent's family provided he has sent them home money regularly
+every week and otherwise behaved to them in the past in such a manner
+that they give a nickel whether he comes back dead or alive."
+
+"Of course there is exceptions, Abe," Morris said. "There is them
+articles which gives an account of the big battle where if the Allies
+would of only gone on fighting for one hour longer, Abe, they would of
+busted through the German line and the war would of been, so to speak,
+over."
+
+"What big battle was that, Mawruss?" Abe asked.
+
+"Practically every big battle which a war correspondent has written an
+article about since the war started," Morris replied, "and also while
+the article don't exactly say so, y'understand, it leads you to believe
+that if the feller which wrote it would of been running the battle, Abe,
+things would of been very different. Then again there is them articles
+which contains an account of just to prove how cool the English soldiers
+is, Abe, the war correspondent which wrote it heard about a private
+which had the hiccoughs during the heavy gunfire and asks some one to
+scare him so that he can cure his hiccoughs, which to me it don't prove
+so much how cool the English soldiers is as how some editors of
+magazines seemingly never go to moving-picture vaudeville shows."
+
+"Editors 'ain't got no time for such nonsense, Mawruss," Abe said. "They
+got _enough_ to keep 'em busy busheling the jobs them war correspondents
+turns in on them. Also, Mawruss, running a magazine in war-times ain't
+such a cinch, neither. Take in the old times before the war, and if a
+trunk railroad got wrecked, y'understand, people stayed interested long
+enough so that even if the article about how the head of the guilty
+banking concern worked his way up didn't appear till three months
+afterward, it was still good, but you take it to-day, Mawruss, and the
+chances is that a dozen articles about how Leon Trotzky used to was a
+feller by the name Braustein which are now slated to be put into the May
+edition of the magazine is going to be killed along with Trotzky
+somewheres about the middle of next month. In fact, Mawruss, things
+happen so thick and fast in this war that three months from now the only
+thing that people is going to remember about Brest-Litovsk and
+Galli-Curci will be the hyphens, and they won't be able to say offhand
+whether or not it was Brest-Litovsk that had the soprano voice or the
+peace conference."
+
+"Well, if a magazine editor gets stumped for something to take the place
+of an article which went sour on him, Abe," Morris suggested, "he could
+always print a story about a beautiful lady spy, and usually does,
+y'understand, which the way them amateur spy-hunters gets their dope
+from reading magazines nowadays, Abe, if the magazines prints any more
+of them beautiful lady-spy stories, y'understand, a beautiful face on a
+lady is soon going to be as suspicious-looking as Heidelberg dueling
+scars on a man, and it's bound to have quite an adverse effect on the
+complexion-cream business."
+
+"But you've got to hand it to these magazine editors, Mawruss," Abe
+said. "They ain't afraid to print articles which coppers the
+advertisements in the back pages. I am reading only this morning an
+article which it says on page twenty-eight of the magazine that people
+in Berlin is getting made _Geheimeraths_ and having eagles hung on them
+by the Kaiser in all shades from red to Copenhagen blue for helping out
+Germany in this war by doing things that ain't one, two, six compared
+with what a feller in New York does when he buys a fifteen-hundred-dollar
+automobile, y'understand, and yet on pages thirty, thirty-two,
+thirty-eight, forty, and all the other pages from forty-one to fifty
+inclusive, the same magazine prints advertisements of automobiles costing
+from ten thousand dollars downwards, F.O.B. a freight-car in Detroit which
+should ought to be filled with ship-building material F.O.B. Newark, N.J."
+
+"That ain't the magazine's fault, Abe," Morris said. "If it wasn't kept
+going by the money the advertisers pays for such advertisements it
+wouldn't be able to print them articles telling people it is unpatriotic
+to buy the automobiles which the advertisement says they should ought to
+buy."
+
+"Maybe you're right," Abe said, "but in that case when a magazine prints
+an advertisement by the Charoses Motor Car Company that the new Charoses
+inclosed models in designs and luxury of appointment surpass the finest
+motor-carriages of this country and Europe, Mawruss, the editor should
+add in small letters, 'But see page twenty-eight of this magazine,' and
+then when the reader turns to page twenty-eight and finds out what the
+article says about pleasure cars in war-times, y'understand, he would
+think twice, ain't it?"
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But there's always the danger that the
+advertiser would also turn to page twenty-eight, so as a business
+proposition for the magazine, it would be better if the editors stick
+to them _nitchyvo_ articles, which if the advertisers turn to page
+twenty-eight and see one of those articles the only thing that would
+worry them, y'understand, is whether or not the reader is going to get
+so disgusted that he would throw away the magazine before he reached the
+advertising section."
+
+"That ain't how __I look at it, Mawruss," Abe protested. "The way a
+manufacturer has to figure costs so close nowadays, Mawruss, anything
+like these here war articles which gives you an example of how to turn
+out the finished product with the least amount of labor and material in
+it, Mawruss, should ought to be of great interest to the business man.
+For instance, you ask one of them live, up-to-date young fellers which
+is now writing about the war with such a good imitation of being right
+next to all the big diplomatic secrets that no one would ever suspect
+how before the war he used to think when he saw the word Gavour in the
+papers that it wasn't spelled right and cost a dollar fifty a portion
+with hard-boiled egg and chopped onions on the side, y'understand, and
+we'll say that such a feller is ordered by the magazine _nebich_ which
+he works for to go and see Mr. Lloyd George and fill up pages twelve,
+thirteen, and fourteen of the April, nineteen seventeen, edition with
+what Lloyd George tells him about political conditions in Europe. Well,
+the first time he goes to Mr. Lloyd George's house we will say he gets
+kicked down the front stoop, on account when he says he represents the
+_Interborough Magazine_, the butler thinks he comes from the
+subscription department instead of the editorial department and didn't
+pay no attention to the sign 'No Canvassers Allowed on These Premises.'
+Do you suppose that feazes the young feller? _Oser a St�ck!_ He goes
+straight back home, paints the place where he landed with iodine,
+y'understand, and writes enough to fill up the whole of page twelve
+about how, unlike President Wilson, Mr. Lloyd George believes in
+surrounding himself with strong men. The next time he calls there he
+gets into the front parlor while he sends up his card, and before the
+butler could return with the message that Mr. Lloyd George says he
+wouldn't be back for some days, y'understand, Mrs. Lloyd George happens
+in and wants to know who let him in there and he should go and wait
+outside in the vestibule, which is good for half a page of how Mr. Lloyd
+George's success in politics is due in great measure to the tact and
+diplomacy of his charming wife.
+
+"However, he has still got half of page thirteen and all of page
+fourteen to fill up, and the next day he lays for Mr. Lloyd George at
+the corner of the street and walks along beside him while he tells him
+he represents the _Interborough Magazine_, which on account of the young
+feller's American accent Mr. Lloyd George gets the idee at first that he
+is being asked for the price of a night's lodging, y'understand. So he
+tells the young feller that he should ought to be ashamed not to be
+fighting for his country. This brings them to the front door, and when
+Mr. Lloyd George at last finds out what the young feller really wants,
+understand me, he says, 'I 'ain't got no time to talk to you now,' which
+is practically everything the young feller needs to finish up his
+article.
+
+"He sits up all night and writes a full account, as nearly as he could
+remember it, not having taken no notes at the time, of just what Mr.
+Lloyd George said about the 'Youth of the country and universal military
+service,' y'understand, and also how Mr. Lloyd George spoke at some
+length of the Cabinet Minister's life in war-times and what little
+opportunity it gave for meeting and conversing with friends, quoting Mr.
+Lloyd George's very words, which were, as the young feller distinctly
+recalled, 'Much as I would like to do so, I find myself quite unable to
+speak even to you at any greater length,' and that's the way them
+articles is written, Mawruss."
+
+"I wonder how big the article would of been, supposing the young feller
+had really and truly talked to Mr. Lloyd George for, say, three to five
+minutes, Abe," Morris said.
+
+"Then the article wouldn't have been an article no more, Mawruss," Abe
+concluded. "It would of been a book of four hundred pages by the name:
+_Lloyd George, The Cabinet Minister and the Man_. Price, two dollars
+net."
+
+
+
+
+XXII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON SAVING DAYLIGHT, COAL, AND BREATH
+
+
+"It ain't a bad scheme at that, Mawruss," Abe Potash said as he laid
+down the paper which contained an editorial on daylight-saving. "The
+idee is to get a law passed by the legislature setting the clock ahead
+one hour in summer-time and get the advantage of the sun rising earlier
+and setting later so that you don't have to use so much electric light
+and gas, y'understand, because it's an old saying and a true one,
+Mawruss, that the sunshine's free for everybody."
+
+"Except the feller in the raincoat business," Morris Perlmutter added.
+
+"Also, Mawruss," Abe continued, evading the interruption, "there's a
+whole lot of people which 'ain't got enough will power to get up until
+their folks knock at the door and say it is half past seven and are they
+going to lay in bed all day, y'understand, which in reality when the
+clocks are set ahead, Mawruss, it would be only half past six."
+
+"But don't you suppose that lazy people read the newspapers the same
+like anybody else, Abe?" Morris asked. "Them fellers would know just as
+good as the people which is trying to wake them up that it is only half
+past six under Section Two A of Chapter Five Fourteen of the Laws of
+Nineteen Eighteen entitled 'An Act to Save Daylight in the State of New
+York for Cities of the First, Second, and Third Classes,' y'understand,
+and they will turn right over and go on sleeping until eight o'clock,
+old style, which is two hours after the sun is scheduled to rise in the
+almanacs published by Kidney Remedy companies from information furnished
+by the United States government in Washington."
+
+"Of course, Mawruss, I ain't such a big philosopher like you,
+y'understand," Abe said, "but so far as I could see it ain't going to do
+a bit of harm if you could get down-town one hour earlier in the
+summer-time, even though it is going to take an act of the legislature
+to do it."
+
+"And it would also be a good thing if the legislature would pass an act
+making a half an hour for lunch thirty minutes long instead of ninety
+minutes, the way some people has got into the habit of figuring it,
+Abe," Morris retorted, "but, anyhow, that ain't here nor there. This is
+a republic, Abe, and if the people wants to kid themselves by putting
+the clock ahead instead of getting up earlier, Mawruss, the government
+could easy oblige them, y'understand, but not even the Kaiser and all
+his generals could make a law that would change the sun from being right
+straight overhead at twelve o'clock noon, Abe."
+
+"Don't worry about the sun, Mawruss," Abe said. "The sun would stay on
+the job, war-times or no war-times. Nobody is trying to make laws to kid
+the sun into getting to work any earlier, Mawruss, but even with this
+war as an argument, there's a whole lot of people which would be foolish
+enough to claim pay for a time and a half for the first hour they worked
+if you was to alter your office hours so that they had to come down-town
+at seven instead of eight, although you did let them go home an hour
+earlier in the afternoon."
+
+"Maybe they would," Morris said, "but it seems to me, Abe, that a great
+deal of time and money is wasted by legislatures making laws for
+unreasonable people. For instance, if you change the clocks to save time
+where are you going to stop? The next thing you know the legislature
+would be trying to save coal by changing the thermometer in winter so
+that the freezing-point from December first to March first would be
+forty-five degrees Fahrenheit, and then when people living in houses
+situated in cities of the first, second, and third classes kept their
+houses up to a sixty-eight-degree new style, which was fifty-five
+degrees old style, they would be feeling perfectly comfortable under the
+statue in such case made and provided. Also legislatures would be making
+laws for the period of the sugar shortage, changing the dials on spring
+scales by bringing the pounds closer together, so that a pound of sugar
+would contain sixteen ounces new style, being equivalent to twelve
+ounces old style."
+
+"It ain't a bad idea at that, Mawruss," Abe said.
+
+"It wouldn't be if the same law provided for changing the size of
+teaspoons and cups, Abe," Morris said, "and even then there is no way of
+trusting a bowl of sugar to a sugar hog in the hopes that he wouldn't
+help himself to four or five spoonfuls, new style, being the equivalent
+of the three spoonfuls such a _Chozzer_ used to be put into his coffee
+before the passage of the sugar-spoon law, supposing there was such a
+law."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But daylight is different from sugar. The
+idea is that people should use more of it, Mawruss."
+
+"I am willing," Morris said; "but so far as I could see, there ain't
+going to be no more daylight after the law goes into effect than there
+was before, and as for setting the clock one hour ahead, anybody could
+do that for himself without the legislature passing a law about it."
+
+"Say!" Abe protested. "Legislators don't get paid piece-work. They draw
+an annual salary, Mawruss; so if they went to pass a law about it, let
+them do a little something to earn their wages, Mawruss."
+
+"Don't worry about them fellers not earning their wages, Abe," Morris
+said. "Legislators is like actors, so long as they got their names in
+the papers they don't care how hard they work, which if you was to allow
+them fellers to regulate the hours of daylight by legislation, Abe, so
+as to encourage lazy people to get up earlier, Abe, the first thing you
+know, so as to encourage aviators to fly higher, they would be passing
+an act suspending the laws of gravity for the period of the war."
+
+"Well, I believe in that, too, Mawruss," Abe said. "Time enough we
+should have laws of gravity when we need them, but what is the use going
+round with a long face before we actually have something to pull a long
+face over? Am I right or wrong, Mawruss?"
+
+"Tell me, Abe," Morris asked, "what do you think the laws of gravity is,
+anyhow? No Sunday baseball or something?"
+
+"Well, ain't it?" Abe demanded.
+
+"So that's your idee of the laws of gravity," Morris exclaimed.
+
+"Say!" Abe retorted. "When I got a partner which is a combination of
+John G. Stanchfield, Judge Brandeis, and the feller what wrote
+_Hamafteach_, I should worry if I don't know every law in the law-books;
+so go ahead, Mawruss, I'm listening. What _is_ the laws of gravity?"
+
+"The laws of gravity is this," Morris explained. "If you would throw a
+ball up in the air, why does it come down?"
+
+"Because I couldn't perform miracles exactly," Abe replied, promptly.
+
+"Neither could the legislature and also President Wilson," Morris said,
+"because even though you would understand the laws of gravity, which you
+don't, the baseball comes down according to the laws of gravity, and
+even though Mr. Wilson does understand the laws of supply and demand,
+y'understand, if he gets busy and sets a low price on coal, potatoes,
+wheat, or anything else that people is working to produce for a living
+and not for the exercise there is in it, y'understand, such people would
+leave off producing it and go into some other line where the prices
+ain't regulated."
+
+"They would be suckers if they didn't," Abe commented.
+
+"And the consequence would be that sooner or later, on account of such
+low prices, y'understand, everybody would have the price, but nobody
+would have the coal," Morris said, "and that is what is called the law
+of supply and demand. It ain't a law which was passed by any
+legislature, Abe. It's a law which made itself, like the law that if you
+eat too much you'll get stomach trouble, and if you spend too much
+you'll go broke, and you couldn't sidestep any of them self-made laws by
+consulting those high-grade crooks which used to specialize in getting
+million-dollar fees out of finding loopholes in the Interstate Commerce
+law and the Anti-trust laws, because there's no loopholes in the law of
+supply and demand."
+
+"Might there ain't no loopholes in the law of supply and demand, maybe,"
+Abe said; "but when Mr. Wilson gave the order to his Coal Administrator
+to lower the price of coal it's my idee that he was trying to punch a
+few loopholes in the law of The Public Be Damned, which while it was
+never passed by no legislature, Mawruss, it ain't self-made, neither,
+y'understand, but was made by the producer to do away with this here law
+of gravity, because under the law of The Public Be Damned prices goes up
+and they never come down, but they keep on going up and up according to
+that other law, the law of the Sky's the Limit, which no doubt a big
+philosopher like you, Mawruss, has heard about already."
+
+"In the company of igneramuses, Abe," Morris said, "a feller could easy
+get a reputation for being a big philosopher, and not know such an awful
+lot at that."
+
+"I give you right, Mawruss," Abe agreed, heartily; "but even admitting
+that you don't know an awful lot, Mawruss, there's something in what you
+say about this here law of supply and demand."
+
+"Well, now that you indorse it, Abe, that makes it, anyhow, an
+argument," Morris commented.
+
+"But it looks to me like one of them arguments that is pulled by the
+supply end to put something over on the demand end," Abe continued,
+"because President Wilson knows just so much about the law of supply and
+demand as the coal operators does, Mawruss, and when he fixed the price
+of coal you could bet your life, Mawruss, he made it an even break for
+the supply people as well as for the demand people."
+
+"And what has all this got to do with setting the clock ahead one hour
+in summer, Abe, which was what you was talking about in the first
+place?" Morris demanded.
+
+"Nothing, except that setting the clock ahead so as to save bills for
+gas and electric light and limiting the price of coal so as the public
+couldn't be gouged by the coal operators, so far as I could see, is two
+dead open and shut propositions, Mawruss," Abe said, "which of course I
+admit that I'm an ignorant man and don't know no more laws than a
+police-court lawyer, y'understand, but at the same time, Mawruss, I must
+got to say the way it looks to me it ain't the ignorant men which is
+blocking the speed of this war. For instance, who is it when Mr. Hoover
+wants to have millions of bushels wheat by using whole-wheat bread that
+says whole-wheat bread irritates the lining from the elementry canal?
+The ignorant man? _Oser!_ He don't know the elementry canal from the
+Panama Canal, and if he did he couldn't tell you whether elementry
+canals came lined with Skinner's satin or mohair or just plain unlined
+with the seams felled. Then, again, who is it that when _any_ order is
+made by the government which is meant to help along the war takes it
+like a personal insult direct from Mr. Wilson? The ignorant man? No,
+Mawruss, it's the feller which thinks that what's the use of having an
+education if you couldn't seize every opportunity of putting up an
+argument and using all the long words you've got in your system."
+
+"All right, Abe," Morris said. "I'm converted. Rather as sit here and
+waste the whole morning I'm content that you should pass a law saving
+daylight if you want to."
+
+[Illustration: "For instance, who is it that says whole-wheat bread
+irritates the lining from the elementry canal? The ignorant man?
+_Oser!_"]
+
+"Don't do me no favors, Mawruss," Abe commented.
+
+"And while you're about it, Abe," Morris concluded, "if you couldn't
+save it otherwise, have the legislature pass another law that people
+should save something else for the duration of the war which they
+ordinarily couldn't live without."
+
+"What's that?" Abe asked.
+
+"Breath," Morris said.
+
+
+
+
+XXIII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS WHY IS A PLAY-GOER?
+
+
+"Did you see on the front page of all the newspapers this morning where
+Klaw & Erlanger has had another split with the Shuberts, Mawruss?" Abe
+Potash asked, one morning in February.
+
+"Say," Morris Perlmutter replied, "I didn't even know they had ever made
+up since the time they split before, and, furthermore, Abe, I think that
+even if the most important news a feller in the newspaper business could
+get ahold of to print on his front page was an I.O.M.A. convention,
+instead of the greatest war in history, y'understand, he would be giving
+his readers a great big jolt compared with the thrill they get when they
+read about the troubles people has got in the show business."
+
+"Maybe _you_ think so, Mawruss," Abe said, "but Klaw & Erlanger and the
+Shuberts don't think so, and when you consider that them two concerns
+control all the theayters in the United States and spends millions of
+dollars for advertising, Mawruss, a feller in the newspaper business
+don't show such poor judgment to give them boys a little space on the
+front page whenever they have their semi-annual split."
+
+"Probably you're right, Abe," Morris said; "but if it was you and me
+that had a big fight on with our nearest competitors, Abe, advertising
+it in the newspapers would be the last thing we would be looking for."
+
+"The garment business ain't the theayter business, Mawruss," Abe said.
+"For instance, being a defendant in a divorce suit don't get any one
+nowheres in the garment trade, because if a garment-manufacturer would
+have such a person working for him practically the only effect it would
+have on his business would be that he would be obliged to neglect it two
+or three times a day answering telephone inquiries from his wife as to
+just how he was putting in his time, y'understand, and so far as
+bringing customers into your place who want to see the lady you got
+working for you which all the scandal was printed about in the papers,
+Mawruss, it wouldn't make any difference _what_ the evidence was, you
+couldn't get your trade interested to the extent even of their coming in
+to snoop with no intentions to buy, y'understand. But you take it in the
+theayter business and big fortunes has been made out of rotten plays
+simply because the theayter-going public wanted to see if the leading
+lady looked like the pictures which was printed of her in the papers at
+the time the court denied her the custody of the child, understand me."
+
+"Then you think that there's going to be a big rush on the theayters
+controlled by Klaw & Erlanger and the Shuberts on account people has
+been reading in the papers about their scrapping again, Abe?" Morris
+inquired.
+
+Abe shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think nothing of the kind,
+Mawruss," Abe said; "but there's a whole lot of fellers in the theayter
+business which have stories printed about themselves in the Sunday
+papers where it tells how they used to was in business and finally
+worked their way into the theayter business and what is their favorite
+luncheon dish, y'understand, till you would think that the reason people
+went to see plays was because the manager formerly run a clothing-store
+in Milwaukee, Wis., and is crazy about liver and bacon, Southern style."
+
+"That would be, anyhow, as good a reason as because the leading lady's
+home life didn't come up to her husband's expectations," Morris
+commented.
+
+"Well, no matter for what reason people do it, Mawruss," Abe concluded,
+"buying tickets for a show is as big a gamble as a home-cooked Welsh
+rabbit, in especially if you try to go by the advertisements. For
+instance, in to-day's paper there is three shows advertised as the
+biggest hit in town, four of them says they got more laughs in them than
+any other show in town, and there are a lot of assorted 'Biggest Hits in
+Years,' 'Biggest Hits Since the "Music Master,"' and 'Biggest Hits in
+New York,' so what chance does an outsider stand of knowing which
+advertisements is O.K. and which is just pushing the stickers?"
+
+"The plan that I got is never to go on a theayter till the show has been
+running for at least three months, Abe," Morris advised.
+
+"But if everybody else followed the same plan, Mawruss," Abe commented,
+"what show is going to run three months?"
+
+"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "There would always be plenty of nosy people in
+New York City which 'ain't got no more to do with their money than to
+find out if what the crickets has got to say in the newspapers about the
+new plays is the truth or just kindness of heart, y'understand."
+
+"From what I know of newspaper crickets, Mawruss," Abe said, "when they
+praise a show they may be mistaken, but they're never kind-hearted."
+
+"If a play runs three months, Abe, it don't make no difference to me
+whether the newspaper crickets praised it because they had kind hearts
+or knocked it because they had stomach trouble," Morris said, "I am
+willing to risk my two dollars, _anyhow_."
+
+"Maybe it would be better all around, Mawruss, if the newspaper crickets
+printed what they think about a play the day after it closes instead of
+the day after it opens," Abe observed, "and then they might have
+something to go by. As it is, a whole lot of newspaper crickets is like
+doctors which says there is absolutely nothing the matter with the
+patient only ten days before the automobile cort�ge leaves his late
+residence."
+
+"But there is more of them like doctors which says that the patient may
+live two days and he may live two weeks, y'understand, and four weeks
+later he is put in Class One and leaves for Camp Upton with the next
+contingent," Morris said. "Take even 'Hamlet,' Abe, which I can remember
+since 'way before the Spanish war already, and I bet yer when that show
+was put on there was some crickets which said that John Drew or whoever
+it was which first took 'Hamlet' did the best he could with a rotten
+part and headed the article, 'John Drew scores in dull play at
+Fifty-first Street Theater.'"
+
+"Even so, Mawruss," Abe said, "that wouldn't feaze J.H. Woods or whoever
+the manager was which first put on 'Hamlet,' because we would say, for
+example, that the cricket of the New York _Star-Gazette_ said, 'Hamlet'
+would be an A-number-one play if it had been written by a pants-presser
+in his off moments, but as the serious work of a professional
+play-designer it ain't worth a moment's consideration; also the cricket
+of the New York _Record_ says, From the liberal applause at the end of
+the third act 'Hamlet' might have been the most brilliant drama since
+'The Easiest Way' instead of a play full of clack-trap scenes and which
+will positively meet the _capora_ it deserves, y'understand.
+Furthermore, Mawruss, we would say that every other paper says the same
+thing and also roasts the play, y'understand, so what does this here
+Woods do? Does he lay right down and notify the operators that under the
+by-laws of the Actors' Union they should please consider that they have
+received the usual two weeks' notice that the show will close the next
+night? _Oser a St�ck!_ The next day he puts in every paper for two
+hundred and twenty-five dollars an advertisement:
+
+ FIFTY-FIRST STREET THEATER
+ J.H. WOODS ..... LESSEE
+ J.H. WOODS
+ PRESENTS
+ 'HAMLET'
+ THE SEASON'S SENSATION!
+
+ An A-number-one play.--_New York Star-Gazette._
+
+ Most brilliant drama since 'The Easiest Way.'--_New York Record._
+
+ John Drew scores heavily.--_New York Evening Moon._"
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," Morris said; "while I admit that the theayter
+crickets is smart fellers and knows all about the rules and regulations
+for writing plays, y'understand, so that they can tell at a glance
+during the first performance if the audience is laughing in violation of
+what is considered good play construction or crying because the show is
+sad in a spot where a play shouldn't ought to be sad if the man who
+wrote it had known his business, y'understand, still at the same time
+theayter crickets is to me in the same class with these here diet
+experts. Take a dinner which one of them diet experts approves of, Abe,
+and the food is O.K., the kitchen is clean, the cooking is just right as
+to time and temperature of the oven, there's the proper proportions of
+water and solids, and in fact it's a first-class A-number-one meal from
+the standpoint of every person which has got anything to do with it,
+excepting the feller which eats it, and the only objection _he's_ got to
+it is that it tastes rotten."
+
+"And that would be quite enough to put a restaurant out of business if
+it served only good meals according to the opinion of diet experts,
+Mawruss, because diet experts don't buy meals, Mawruss, they only
+inspect them," Abe commented.
+
+"And even if theayter crickets did pay for their tickets, Abe," Morris
+continued, "there ain't enough of them to support one of these here
+little theayters which has got such a small seating-capacity that
+neither the exits nor the kind of plays they put on has to comply with
+the fire laws, y'understand. But that ain't here or there, Abe. A
+theayter cricket is a cricket and not an appraiser, y'understand. He
+goes to a play to judge the play and not the prospective box-office
+receipts, Abe, and if on account of his knocking a play which would
+otherwise make money for the manager and do a lot of harm to the people
+which goes to the theayter, such a show is put out of business, Abe,
+then the theayter cricket has done a good job."
+
+"Sure, I know, Mawruss," Abe said. "But it's just as likely to be the
+other way about, which you take these here shows the crickets gets all
+worked up over because they are written by foreigners from Sweden,
+Mawruss, where a married woman gets to feeling that her husband, her
+home, and her children ain't exciting enough, y'understand, so she
+either elopes or commits suicide, understand me, and many a business man
+has come to breakfast without shaving himself on the day after taking
+his wife to see such a show and caught her looking at him in an awful
+peculiar way, y'understand. Then there is other shows which crickets
+thinks a whole lot of, where a young feller which couldn't get down to
+business and earn a decent living puts it all over the man who has been
+financially successful, y'understand, and plenty of young fellers which
+gets home all hours of the night and couldn't hold a job long enough to
+remember the telephone number of the firm they work for, comes away from
+the show feeling that they ain't getting a square deal from their father
+who has never done a thing to help them in all this life except to feed,
+clothe, and educate them for twenty-odd years."
+
+"Well, such plays anyhow make you think, Abe," Morris said. "Whereas,
+when you come away from one of them musical pieces, what do you have to
+show for it, Abe?"
+
+"A good night's rest, Mawruss," Abe said, "which no one never laid awake
+all night wondering if his wife or his son has got peculiar notions
+about not being appreciated from seeing this here Frank Tinney talking
+to the feller that runs the orchestra in the Winter Garden, Mawruss."
+
+"Then what is your idee of a good show, anyway?" Morris inquired.
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss, a good show is a show which you got to
+pay so much money to a speculator for a decent seat, y'understand, that
+you couldn't enjoy it after you get there," Abe concluded. "And that is
+a good show."
+
+
+
+
+XXIV
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS SOCIETY--NEW YORK, HUMAN, AND AMERICAN
+
+
+"I seen Max Feinrubin in the Subway this morning," Abe Potash said to
+his partner, Morris Perlmutter. "He broke two fingers on his left hand
+last week."
+
+"Why don't he let the shipping-clerk do up the packing-cases?" Morris
+commented.
+
+"He didn't break his hand on no packing-case," Abe said.
+
+"Well, what _did_ he break it on, then?" Morris asked.
+
+"The shipping-clerk," Abe replied, "which the feller said that this war
+is a war over property, and every nation that is in it is just as bad as
+Germany, so Feinrubin asked him did he claim that the United States was
+just as bad as Germany and he said 'Yes,' and afterward he said that
+Feinrubin would hear from him later through a lawyer."
+
+"And that is how Feinrubin broke his two fingers," Morris said.
+
+"Well, as a matter of fact, up to that point Feinrubin had only broke
+one finger, Mawruss," Abe said, "but just before the shipping-clerk went
+out of the door he said that President Wilson was an enemy to Society,
+so Feinrubin broke the other finger."
+
+"Serves Feinrubin right," Morris said. "There he was in his own
+shipping-room with hammers and screw-drivers laying around, and he has
+to break his fingers yet."
+
+"You probably would've done the same thing," Abe retorted, "if we would
+got for a shipping-clerk a Socialist who puts up such arguments."
+
+"Well, I don't know," Morris said. "A Socialist would naturally say that
+this is a war over property because it don't make no difference if it
+would be a war, an earthquake, a cyclone, or a blizzard, to a Socialist
+all such troubles is property troubles, just as to a stomach specialist
+every pain is appendicitis, so if our shipping-clerk would give me a
+line of argument like that, Abe, instead I would break my fingers on
+him, y'understand, I would simply dock him fifty cents as an argument
+that if he wants to talk socialism, he should talk it in his own time
+and not mine."
+
+"But the feller had no business to tell Feinrubin that President Wilson
+was an enemy to Society," Abe protested.
+
+"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "For that matter I am an enemy to Society,
+too."
+
+"Never mind," Abe declared. "Lots of Society fellers which never done a
+day's work in their lives has gone down to Washington to give the
+country the benefit of their experience, Mawruss, and it's surprising
+how many Society ladies is also turning right in and giving up their
+time to the Red Cross and so forth."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But there is lots of them which don't,
+Abe, and you take it on a cold Sunday in February when the
+superintendent of the apartment-house where you live is keeping the
+temperature of your flat below sixty-eight degrees by not letting it get
+up to fifty, y'understand, and it would make a Bolshevik out of the
+president of a first national bank to see Mrs. J. Van Rensselaer-This
+and Mrs. H. Twombley-The Other on the front page of the illustrated
+Sunday supplement, photographed at Pallum Beach on Lincoln's Birthday in
+practically a pair of stockings apiece, y'understand, which if them
+people want to wear clothes in Florida that if any one wore them around
+New York if they didn't get arrested they would anyhow get pneumonia,
+y'understand, that's _their_ business, Abe, but what I don't understand
+is, why should they want to advertise it?"
+
+"Well, what is the use of being in Society if you couldn't rub it in on
+people who ain't?" Abe asked.
+
+"But this is a democracy, Abe," Morris said, "so who cares if he is in
+Society or not?"
+
+"Don't fool yourself, Mawruss," Abe said. "There wouldn't be no object
+for Society ladies to advertise that they are in Society if they didn't
+know that reading such an advertisement would make a whole lot of
+people feel sore which wants to get into Society, but couldn't."
+
+"And such people calls themselves Americans?" Morris said.
+
+"They not only calls themselves Americans, but they _are_ Americans,"
+Abe said. "Which the main talking points of any one who advertises that
+they are in Society, whether they do it through publicity in the
+newspapers, by marrying or dying, y'understand, is that the bride or the
+deceased, as the case may be, was a descendant of Txvee van Rensselaer
+Ten Eyck who came in America in sixteen fifty-three and that another
+great-great-grandfather opened the first ready-to-wear-clothing factory
+on the American continent in sixteen sixty-six."
+
+"Of course, Abe, you may be right," Morris said, "but it seems to me I
+read it somewheres how a whole lot of people which is now in Society
+qualified by settling in Pittsburg along about the time Judge Gary first
+met Andrew Carnegie."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But millionaires can get into Society on a
+cash basis, _nunc pro tunc_, as of May first, sixteen twenty, as the
+lawyers say, Mawruss, which if a lady is trying to butt into Society on
+the grounds that her great-great-grandfather, Hyman de Peyster van
+Rensselaer, _olav hasholom_, came over on the _Mayflower_ and bought all
+the land on which the town of Hockbridge, Mass., now stands from the
+Indians in sixteen sixty-six for two hundred dollars, y'understand, it
+wouldn't do her chances a bit of harm if her husband came over on the
+White Star Line, third class, just so long as he bought U.S. Steel when
+it was down to thirty and a quarter in nineteen five and held on to it
+till it touched one hundred and twenty, y'understand."
+
+"Then what used to was the 'four hundred' must have added a whole lot of
+ciphers to it in the last few years, Abe," Morris commented.
+
+"Ciphers is right," Abe said. "But that four-hundred figure is a thing
+of the past along with the population of Detroit before the invention of
+the automobile, Mawruss, and I guess, nowadays, Society must be running
+the Knights of Pythias and the Royal Arcanum pretty close on the size of
+its membership, Mawruss."
+
+"For my part, Abe," Morris said, "I would just as lieve join either of
+them societies in preference to Society. Take, for instance, these here
+Vanderbilts which they have been in Society for years already, and what
+benefit do they get from it? It isn't like as if one of them would be in
+the wholesale clothing business, for instance, and could get a friend to
+use his influence with a retailer by saying: 'Mr. Goldman, this is my
+friend, Mr. Vanderbilt. Him and me was in Society for years, already,
+and anything in his line you could use would be a personal favor to me,'
+because any connection with the clothing business, wholesale or retail,
+bars you out of Society unless the Statue of Limitations has run against
+it for at least four generations."
+
+"Still, it's a big help to be in Society for certain businesses,
+Mawruss," Abe said. "Take it in our line, Mawruss, and a feller which
+was in Society could make a fortune duplicating for the popular-price
+trade an expensive line of garments such as you would be apt to see at
+an affair which was run off by somebody 'way up in Society."
+
+"That ain't a bad idee, neither, Abe," Morris said; "and then, Abe,
+instead of people asking what is the big idee when they see a picture of
+Mrs. Yosel van Rensselaer Lydig in the illustrated Sunday supplement
+they could read on it, 'Our Leader--the Mrs. Yosel van Rensselaer Lydig
+gown; regular sizes, nine fifty; stouts, ten dollars,' which there is no
+use letting all that good publicity going to waste, Abe, so if a
+garment-manufacturer couldn't utilize it, a cigar wholesaler could vary
+his line of cigars called after actresses by naming one of them 'The
+Mrs. Yosel van Rensselaer Lydig, a mild and aromatic three-for-a-quarter
+smoke for five cents.'"
+
+"I'm afraid Society people wouldn't be willing to stand for such a thing
+even in war-times, Mawruss," Abe said.
+
+"Well, I only make the suggestion, Abe, because some states has already
+passed laws compelling everybody to find a job for the duration of the
+war, y'understand," Morris said, "and if the courts should hold that
+sitting on the sand at Pallum Beach and having a photograph taken ain't
+holding a job within the meaning of the statue in such cases made and
+provided, Abe, maybe the addition of a little advertising matter to the
+picture would be enough to keep some Society lady out of jail on the
+ground that she is working as a model for advertising pictures,
+y'understand, although, for my part, Abe, I am willing to see anybody
+who tries to get publicity as a Society person go to jail whether they
+work or not."
+
+"Why so?" Abe asked.
+
+"Because such publicity is only the start, Abe," Morris said. "It is the
+first stages of what is the trouble in Germany to-day yet. For years
+already the Society fellers of Germany, headed by the chief Society
+feller of Germany, the Kaiser, has been getting their pictures into the
+paper dressed in soldiers' uniforms till it got to be firmly fixed in
+the minds of people which wasn't Society fellers that the latest
+up-to-the-minute idee was wearing a soldier's uniform. Also, Abe, along
+with such publicity goes the idee that anything Society fellers does is
+O.K., and it is this just-watch-our-smoke advice of the German Society
+fellers to the poor German people, _nebich_, which has changed the motto
+of Germany from '_Hei-lie! Hei-lio! Hei-lie! Hei-lio! Bei uns, geht's
+immer so!_' to '_Deutschland, Deutschland ueber Alles_,' and that is
+what brought on the war, Abe."
+
+"You mean to say that when Mrs. Mosha van Rensselaer has her picture
+taken at Pallum Beach the intention is the same as when the Kaiser used
+to got printed a photograph of himself as colonel of the One Hundred and
+First Pomeranian Regiment."
+
+"Toy Pomeranian or regular size, Abe," Morris said, "it don't make no
+difference, the intention in both cases was to get publicity for the
+fact that the sitter was a leader of Society, Abe, and so far as the
+Kaiser was concerned, he soon got the idee that just as the Kaiser was
+the leader of Society of Germans, y'understand, so Germany was the
+leader of the Society of Nations, and therefore that Germany should have
+the biggest army, the biggest navy, the biggest colonies, and the
+biggest territory."
+
+"And she's going to get the biggest licking, Mawruss," Abe interrupted.
+
+"She's got it coming to her," Morris said, "and then when we've showed
+Germany that she ain't such an international Society leader like she
+thought she was, y'understand, the Germans which was rank outsiders in
+Germany Society is going to look up a lot of old illustrated Sunday
+supplements, and when the trial comes off before the Berlin County Court
+of General Sessions the district attorney is going to offer in evidence
+that well-known picture of the Kaiser and his six sons, and, without
+leaving the box, the jury will find a verdict of guilty of being German
+Society leaders in the first degree. Also, Abe, pictures will turn up of
+one of the Kaiser's hunting parties, and only the people which couldn't
+be identified on account of being at the edge of the photograph will
+escape."
+
+"But you don't think anything like that would happen to our Society
+fellers, Mawruss?" Abe said.
+
+"I think they're perfectly safe for the next hundred years or so, Abe,"
+Morris said, "but, just the same, they should take example by the
+Society leaders over in Russland, and learn to drink coffee from the
+saucer and eat with the knife while there is still time."
+
+
+
+
+XXV
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THIS HERE INCOME TAX
+
+
+"Didn't I beg you that you shouldn't give to a lawyer that claim against
+Immerglick which we had for the money we loaned him five years ago?" Abe
+Potash said to his partner, Morris Perlmutter, as he pored over form
+1040, revised January, 1918, which bore in large black letters the
+heading, "INDIVIDUAL INCOME-TAX RETURN FOR CALENDAR YEAR 1917."
+
+"Ten hundred and fifty dollars he paid us, and now I don't know should I
+stick it under A, B, C, D, E, or F."
+
+"I suppose you would rather see Immerglick get away with the whole sum
+as pay eight per cent. of it to the government," Morris commented.
+
+"I would give the government not only eight per cent., but eighteen per
+cent., Mawruss, if they would only send round their representative and
+fill out this here paper themselves, and leave me in peace," Abe said.
+"I 'ain't done nothing for a month now but write down figures on this
+rotten blank and scratch them out again, and what is going to be the
+end of it I don't know."
+
+"All the government asks of you, Abe, is to be honest," Morris said.
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe replied. "But to be honest about fixing up this here
+income-tax return, Mawruss, you've got to be a lawyer, a certified
+public accountant, a mind-reader, and one of these here handwriting
+experts who knows how to write the whole of the Constitution of the
+United States on the back of a two-cent stamp, which take, for instance,
+'N. CONTRIBUTIONS TO CHARITABLE ORGANIZATIONS, &C. (Enter below name and
+address of each organization and amount paid to each),' and while I
+'ain't given away a million dollars to charity in nineteen seventeen
+exactly, I can see where next year when somebody comes round to
+_schnoor_ from me five dollars for the Bella Hirshkind Home for Aged and
+Indignant Females in the Borough of the Bronx, City of New York,
+y'understand, he's going to get turned down on the grounds that Mr.
+McAdoo only provided three lines for all charitable contributions and
+I'm saving them up for the Red Cross, the S.P.C.A., and one orphan
+asylum with an awful short name."
+
+"Did it occur to you that you could give the Bella Hirshkind Home four
+dollars and sixty cents and leave it out of your income-tax return
+altogether?" Morris suggested.
+
+"Listen!" Abe said. "I ain't trying to invent ways of getting around
+what looks like the only good feature of this here income-tax return,
+Mawruss. If Mr. McAdoo or President Wilson or whoever it was that fixed
+up this here paper thought that the average man didn't need more as
+three lines to put down his charities in, Mawruss, who am I that I
+should set my opinion up against theirs? Am I right or wrong?"
+
+"Well, for that matter, Abe," Morris said, "if you are up against it for
+space to fill in about the Bella Hirshkind Home, how many lines did Mr.
+McAdoo leave me to write in about you and Feigenbaum?"
+
+"Me and Feigenbaum?" Abe repeated.
+
+"Sure!" Morris said. "The time you and him had the argument should it be
+pronounced Bol_shev_iki or Bolshe_vee_ki."
+
+"Well, I was right, wasn't I?" Abe demanded.
+
+"Certainly you were right," Morris replied. "But the question is, do I
+put in the fifteen-hundred-dollar order he canceled on us under
+'EXPLANATION OF LOSSES OF BUSINESS PROPERTY' or under 'J. GENERAL
+DEDUCTIONS NOT REPORTED ON PAGE THREE'?"
+
+"Put it in the same place where I would put the money which I lost from
+having got it a partner which wastes dollars' and dollars' worth of time
+on me every day by arguing about things which arguing couldn't help,"
+Abe advised. "Because with this here income-tax proposition, Mawruss, if
+you are going to waste so much time arguing about what you have lost
+that you couldn't be able to remember by April first what you made,
+y'understand, you would lose in addition a thousand dollars more and
+fifty per cent. of the amount of the tax due, and you couldn't have the
+consolation of blaming it on your partner, neither."
+
+"It seems to me, Abe," Morris commented, "that the government makes a
+big mistake limiting you to April first, because I already figured my
+income tax out six times and it comes to a hundred dollars more every
+time, which if they would only give me till, say, the first of August,
+y'understand, I might be able to figure it out a couple dozen times more
+and pay the government some real big money."
+
+"With me, Mawruss," Abe said with a sigh, "sometimes it's more and
+sometimes it's less, but it only goes to show how if a business man is
+going to have such a big difference of opinion with himself, Mawruss,
+what kind of a difference of opinion is he going to have with the
+collector of internal revenue? So I guess the only thing for me to do is
+to start all over again and this time I'll multiply the result by two,
+because if I've got to pay anything extra to the government,
+y'understand, I'd just as lieve do it without getting indicted first."
+
+"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "If they started in to indict everybody which
+is going to figure up their income tax wrong this year, Abe, the
+government would got to draft a couple of million grand-jurymen, and
+then lay off the workers on cantonments and put them to building
+jails."
+
+"And labor is scarce enough as it is, Mawruss, when you figure the
+hundreds of thousands of sitsons of this country which has been taken
+out of active business life during the past sixty days while they were
+engaged in making up their income-tax returns," Abe said.
+
+"Well, that will simplify things a whole lot next year, Abe," Morris
+declared, "particularly in the excessive-profits department, because
+owing to the time they spent in doping out what excessive profits they
+had last year, the business men of the country won't have any profits
+this year, excessive or otherwise."
+
+"I should only make enough this year to pay a certified public
+accountant for fixing up my income-tax return next year, Mawruss, and I
+shall be satisfied," Abe said, "because who could tell, maybe next year,
+Mawruss, the government wouldn't stop at wanting to know what your
+income is and how you made it, but would also insist on knowing how you
+spent it after it was made, which if business is so bad next year on
+account of the war, Mawruss, it may be that the government, finding that
+they couldn't raise enough money with an income tax and an
+excessive-profits tax, will pass a law calling for a personal-extravagance
+tax."
+
+"They could get a lot of revenue that way," Morris admitted.
+
+"Yes, and they could get it coming and going," Abe said. "Take, for
+instance, the hotel and restaurant hat-check business, which I seen it
+in the papers that a partnership of hat-checkers got into a dissolution
+lawsuit the other day, and it come out that they made a quarter of a
+million dollars profit in less than five years, y'understand. Now in a
+case like that, Mawruss, the government couldn't tax them robbers an
+additional eight per cent., because hat-checking ain't a profession
+under 'A. INCOME FROM PROFESSIONS,' any more than burglary is. Neither
+could the government soak them highwaymen for an excessive-profits tax,
+because hat-checking ain't a business with an invested capital, not
+unless you count as capital, _Chutzpah_, gall and a nerve like a
+rhinoceros. So the only way the government could collect on tips to
+hat-checkers would be to tax the tipper fifty per cent. and put it up to
+the hat-checker to collect it at the source from the feller who is
+foolish enough to give up his money that way."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But that wouldn't be a
+personal-extravagance tax, Abe. That's what I would call a tax on
+personal cowardice. It's the kind of a tax the government could soak a
+feller which 'ain't got enough backbone to say 'No' when a head waiter
+suggests celery and olives at seventy-five cents a throw."
+
+"Whatever it is, I'm in favor of it, Mawruss," Abe said. "Also it should
+ought to be collected from the feller who lets the barber get away with
+ten cents extra for a teaspoonful of hair tonic, and as for face
+massages, there should be a flat rate of five dollars for each
+offense."
+
+"_Aber_ don't you think that a face massage is its own punishment, Abe?"
+Morris asked.
+
+"So is attempting suicide," Abe said. "But people go to jail for it,
+Mawruss."
+
+"Well, anyhow, before the government goes to work and taxes people for
+that part of their income which they spend foolishly, Abe," Morris said,
+"they should get busy under the present income-tax law and prevent
+anybody from getting away with anything under 'J. GENERAL DEDUCTIONS' by
+claiming a drawback or bad debts arising out of personal loans, which
+the government is losing thousands and thousands of dollars on many a
+week-kneed business man who knew when he loaned the money to his wife's
+relations that he would never even have the nerve enough to ask them to
+renew their notes even. Then there is other business men which has got a
+lot of customers on their books who couldn't get credit except by paying
+such a high price for their goods that if they bust up there would still
+be a profit, even if they settled for thirty cents on the dollar, and
+when them business men start to make up their income-tax returns they
+don't hesitate for a moment to charge off the balance under 'B. BAD
+DEBTS ARISING FROM SALES (See instructions).'"
+
+"I suppose such business men clears their consciences with the thought
+that if they had lost the money legitimately playing pinochle, Mawruss,
+the government wouldn't let them deduct a cent," Abe suggested. "And in
+a way, Mawruss, they are right, because while you couldn't charge off
+pinochle losses, I understand Mr. McAdoo holds that you've got to pay
+income tax on pinochle profits."
+
+"That only goes to show how much Mr. McAdoo knows about pinochle, Abe,"
+Morris said, "because unless, _Gott soll huten_, a feller should drop
+dead immediately after he cashes in his chips, y'understand, money which
+you win at pinochle ain't an asset, Abe, it's a loan, and sooner or
+later you are going to pay it back with interest."
+
+"_You_ argue with Mr. McAdoo!" Abe advised him. "Why, as I understand
+it, if you are having the game up at your own house, Mawruss, and you
+happen to draw out ahead you ain't even allowed to deduct nothing for
+electric light and the delicatessen supper, so strict the government
+is."
+
+"But do you mean to say that if you have a regular Saturday-night
+pinochle game and you make a few dollars one Saturday night and drop it
+the next and so forth, Abe, that the government wouldn't allow you to
+deduct your losings from your winnings?" Morris asked.
+
+"That's the idee," Abe said. "When you cash in at the end of each game,
+Mawruss, that constitutes a separate transaction under 'H. OTHER INCOME
+(including income from partnerships, fiduciaries, except that reported
+under E, F, and G),' and you don't get no allowances for nothing."
+
+"Well, that settles it," Morris said. "For the fiscal year January
+first, nineteen eighteen, to December thirty-first, nineteen eighteen, I
+play pinochle two-handed with my wife, Abe, and then I've always got
+the come-back that I answered 'No' to question eight, 'Did your wife (or
+husband) or dependent children derive income from sources independent of
+your own?'"
+
+"I don't think that Mr. McAdoo would hold that you've got to report
+money which you win from your wife," Abe said.
+
+"Why not?" Morris asked.
+
+"Because Mr. McAdoo is a married man himself, Mawruss, and he knows that
+such moneys ain't income," Abe concluded. "They're paper profits, and
+you never collect on them."
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Worrying Won't Win, by Montague Glass
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+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of Worrying Won't Win, by Montague Glass.
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+
+    p {  margin-top: .75em;
+         text-align: justify;
+         margin-bottom: .75em; }
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+         text-align: center; /* all headings centered */
+         clear: both;
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+    hr { width: 33%;
+	 margin-top: 2em;
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+         clear: both;
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+
+     a  {text-decoration: none} /* no lines under links */
+
+    .pagenum  { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */
+              visibility: hidden;
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+    .center   {text-align: center;}
+    .smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
+    .u        {text-decoration: underline;}
+
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+         margin-left: 4em;
+         text-align: left;
+         line-height: 150%;
+          font-weight: bold;}
+
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+    .caption  {text-align: center; font-size: .8em;}
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Worrying Won't Win, by Montague Glass
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Worrying Won't Win
+
+Author: Montague Glass
+
+Release Date: August 3, 2010 [EBook #33335]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORRYING WON'T WIN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Shell, Graeme Mackreth and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<img src="images/illus03.jpg" alt="cover"  />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class='center' style="margin-top: 5em;">
+<img src="images/illus04.jpg" alt="group"  />
+<a id="illus04" name="illus04"></a>
+<p class="caption">
+
+ See p.<a href="#Page_173">173</a> <br />
+
+"And the only kick they've got, Mawruss," Abe said, "is that President
+Wilson won't expose his hand, which, if he did, he might just so well
+throw the game to Germany and be done with it." </p></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h1>WORRYING WON'T WIN</h1>
+
+<h3>BY</h3>
+
+<h2>MONTAGUE GLASS</h2>
+
+<h4>ILLUSTRATED</h4>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<img src="images/illus12.jpg" alt="mail"  />
+</div>
+
+
+<p class='center' style="margin-top: 10em;"><small>HARPER &amp; BROTHERS <br />PUBLISHERS<br /> NEW YORK AND LONDON</small></p>
+
+<p class='center' style="margin-top: 10em;"><small><span class="smcap">Worrying Won't Win</span><br />
+
+Copyright, 1918, by Harper &amp; Brothers<br />
+
+Printed in the United States of America<br />
+
+Published May, 1918</small></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<ul class='TOC'>
+<li><a href='#I'> <span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter Discuss the Czar
+Business</span></a> </li>
+
+<li><a href='#II'> <span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Soap-boxers
+and Peace Fellers</span></a> </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#III'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Financing the
+War</span></a>  </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#IV'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Bernstorff's
+Expense Account</span> </a> </li>
+
+<li><a href='#V'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter Discuss On the
+Front Page and Off</span> </a>  </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#VI'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Hooverizing
+the Overhead</span></a> </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#VII'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Foreign Affairs</span></a>  </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#VIII'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Lordnorthcliffing
+versus Colonelhousing</span></a></li>
+
+<li> <a href='#IX'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on National Music
+and National Currency</span></a></li>
+
+<li> <a href='#X'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Revolutionizing
+the Revolution Business</span></a></li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XI'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter Discuss the Sugar
+Question</span></a></li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XII'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter Discuss How to
+Put the Spurt in the Expert</span></a></li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XIII'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Being an Optician
+and Looking on the Bright Side</span></a>  </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XIV'><span class="smcap">The Liquor Question&mdash;Shall It Be Dry
+or Extra Dry?</span></a></li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XV'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Peace with
+Victory and without Brokers, Either</span></a></li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XVI'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Keeping It
+Dark</span></a> </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XVII'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on the Peace Program,
+Including the Added Extra Feature
+and the Supper Turn</span></a> </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XVIII'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on the New National
+Holidays</span></a></li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XIX'><span class="smcap">Mr. Wilson: That's All</span></a></li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XX'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter Discuss the Grand-opera
+Business</span></a>  </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XXI'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter Discuss the Magazine
+in War-times</span></a> </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XXII'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter on Saving Daylight,
+Coal, and Breath</span></a>  </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XXIII'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter Discuss Why Is a
+Play-goer?</span></a> </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XXIV'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter Discuss Society&mdash;New
+York, Human, and American</span> </a>  </li>
+
+<li> <a href='#XXV'><span class="smcap">Potash and Perlmutter Discuss This Here
+Income Tax</span></a>  </li>
+</ul>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2>
+
+
+<p>
+<a href='#illus04'>"And the only kick they've got, Mawruss," Abe
+said, "is that President Wilson won't expose
+his hand, which, if he did, he might
+just so well throw the game to Germany
+and be done with it."    </a>                        <br />
+<br />
+<a href='#illus05'>"I bet yer over half a czar's morning mail already
+is circulars from casket concerns
+alone, Abe." </a>                                 <br />
+<br />
+<a href='#illus06'>"'So,' Mrs. Hoover says, 'you had one of them
+sixty-cent table-d'h&ocirc;te lunches to-day again,
+and now of course you 'ain't got no appetite.
+How many times did I tell you you
+shouldn't eat that poison?'" </a>                        <br />
+<br />
+<a href='#illus07'>"Perhaps it's because this here Lord George and
+King George is related maybe," Morris suggested.
+"I don't think so," Abe replied.
+"The name is only a quincidence."</a>                   <br />
+<br />
+<a href='#illus08'>"'Well, if we are such big experts on machine-guns,
+we should ought to know a whole lot
+more about machine-guns as Colonel Lewis,
+and what does that <i>Schlemiel</i> know about
+machine-guns, <i>anyway</i>?'"  </a>                              <br />
+<br />
+<a href='#illus09'>"And five minutes after the jury had returned a
+verdict would be on his way up to the Matteawan
+Asylum for the Criminal Insane."  </a>                   <br />
+<br />
+<a href='#illus10'>"Take, for instance, sopranos, and they come in
+two classes. There is the soprano which
+hollers murder police and they call her a
+dramatic soprano. And then again there is
+the soprano which gargles. That is a coloratura
+soprano."    </a>                                       <br />
+<br />
+<a href='#illus11'>"For instance, who is it that says whole-wheat
+bread irritates the lining from the elementry
+canal? The ignorant man? <i>Oser!</i>"      </a>         <br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>WORRYING WON'T WIN</h2>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="I" id="I"></a>I</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE CZAR BUSINESS<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Like the human-hair business and the green-goods business it is not
+what it used to be.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"Yes, Abe," Morris Perlmutter said to his partner, Abe Potash, as they
+sat in their office one morning in September, "the English language is
+practically a brand-new article since the time when I used to went to
+night school. In them days when a feller says he is feeling like a king,
+it meant that he was feeling like a king, <i>aber</i> to-day yet, if a feller
+says he feels like a king it means that he's got stomach and domestic
+trouble and that he don't know where the money is coming from to pay his
+next week's laundry bill. Czars is the same way, too. Former times when
+you called a feller a regular czar you meant he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> was a regular czar,
+<i>aber</i> nowadays if you say somebody is a regular czar it means that the
+poor feller couldn't call his soul his own and that he must got to do
+what everybody from the shipping-clerk up tells him to do with no back
+talk."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it only goes to show, Mawruss," Abe commented. "There was a czar,
+y'understand, which for years was not only making out pretty good as a
+czar, y'understand, but had really as you might say been doing something
+phenomenal yet. In fact, Mawruss, if three years ago R.G. Dun or
+Bradstreet would give it a rating to czars and people in similar lines,
+y'understand, compared with the czar already, an old-established house
+like Hapsburg's in Vienna would be rated N. to Q., Credit Four, see
+foot-note. And to-day, Mawruss, where <i>is</i> he?"</p>
+
+<p>"Say," Morris protested, "any one could have reverses, Abe, because it
+don't make no difference if it would be a czar <i>oder</i> a pants
+manufacturer, and they both had ratings like John B. Rockafellar even,
+along comes two or three bad seasons like the czar had it, y'understand,
+and the most you could hope for would be thirty cents on the dollar&mdash;ten
+cents cash and the balance in notes at three, six, and nine months,
+indorsed by a grand duke who has got everything he owns in his wife's
+name and 'ain't spent an evening at home with her since way before the
+Crimean War already."</p>
+
+<p>"What happened to the Czar, Mawruss," Abe said, "bad seasons didn't done
+it. Not reckoning quick assets, like crowns actually in stock,
+fix<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span>tures, etc., the feller must of owned a couple million <i>versts</i>
+high-grade real property, to say nothing of his life insurance,
+Mawruss."</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<img src="images/illus05.jpg" alt="mail"  />
+<a id="illus05" name="illus05"></a>
+<p class='caption'>
+
+ "I bet yer over half a czar's morning mail already is
+circulars from casket concerns alone, Abe."</p></div>
+
+<p>"Czars and life insurance ain't in the same dictionary at all, Abe,"
+Morris interrupted. "In the insurance business, Abe, czars comes under
+the same head as aviators with heart trouble, y'understand. I bet yer
+over half a czar's morning mail already is circulars from casket
+concerns alone, Abe, so that only goes to show how much you know from
+czars."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I know this much, anyhow," Abe continued. "What put the Czar out
+of business, didn't happen this season or last season neither, Mawruss.
+It dates back already twenty years ago, which you can take it from me,
+Mawruss, it don't make no difference what line a feller would be
+in&mdash;czars wholesale, czars retail, or czars' supplies and sundries,
+including bombproof underwear and the Little Wonder Poison Detector,
+y'understand, the moment such a feller marries into the family of his
+nearest competitor, Mawruss, he might just as well go down to a lawyer's
+office and hand him the names he wants inserted in Schedule A Three of
+his petition in bankruptcy."</p>
+
+<p>"Did the Czar marry into such a family?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"A question!" Abe exclaimed. "Didn't you know that the Czar's wife is
+the Kaiser's mother's sister's daughter?"</p>
+
+<p>"Say!" Morris retorted. "I didn't even know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> that the Kaiser <i>had</i> a
+mother. From the heart that feller's got it, you might suppose he was
+raised in an incubator and that the only parents he ever knew was a
+couple of packages absorbent cotton and an alcohol-lamp."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's what I am telling you, Mawruss," Abe said. "With all the
+millionaires in Russland which would be tickled to pieces to get a czar
+for a son-in-law, y'understand, the feller goes to work and ties up to a
+family with somebody like the Kaiser in it, and you know as well as I
+do, Mawruss, one crook in your wife's family can stick you worser than
+all your poor relations put together."</p>
+
+<p>"Even when your wife's relations are honest, what <i>is</i> it?" Morris
+asked.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Gewiss!</i>" Abe agreed. "And can you imagine when such a crook <i>in</i>-law
+is also your biggest competitor? I bet yer, Mawruss, the poor <i>nebich</i>
+wasn't home from his honeymoon yet before the Kaiser starts in cutting
+prices on him."</p>
+
+<p>"Cutting prices was the least," Morris said. "Take Bulgaria, for
+instance, and up to a few years ago that was one of the Czar's best
+selling territories. In fact, Abe, whenever the Czar stops off at
+Sophia, him and the King of Bulgaria takes coffee together, such good
+friends they was."</p>
+
+<p>"Who is Sophia?" Abe asked. "<i>Also</i> a relative of the Kaiser?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sophia is the name of one big town in Bulgaria," Morris replied.</p>
+
+<p>"That's a name for a big town&mdash;Sophia," Abe<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> remarked. "Why don't they
+call it Lillian Russell and be done with it?"</p>
+
+<p>"They could call it Williamsburg for all the business the Czar done
+there after the Kaiser got in his fine work," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"And after all, what good did it done him?" Abe added. "Because you know
+as well as I do, Mawruss, the Kaiser ain't two jumps ahead of the
+sheriff himself. In fact, Mawruss, the king business is to-day like the
+human-hair business and the green-goods business. It's practically a
+thing of the past."</p>
+
+<p>"Did I say it wasn't?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Being a king ain't a business no more, Mawruss. It's just a job," Abe
+continued, "and it's a metter of a few months now when the only kings
+left will be, so to speak, journeymen kings like the King of England and
+the King of Belgium and not boss kings like the King of Austria and the
+Kaiser. Why, right now, that Germany is his store, and that the poor
+Germans <i>nebich</i> is just salespeople; and he figures that if he wants to
+close out his stock and fixtures at a sacrifice and at the same time
+work his salespeople to death, what is that <i>their</i> business,
+y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's the way the Czar figured," Morris commented. "For, Abe,
+the Kaiser has got an idee years already he was running Russland on the
+open-shop principle, and before he woke up to the fact that the people
+he had been treating right straight along as non-union labor was really<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>
+the majority stockholders, y'understand, they had changed the
+combination of the safe on him and notified the bank that on and after
+said date all checks would be signed by Jacob M. Kerensky as receiver."</p>
+
+<p>"You would think a feller like the Czar would learn something by what
+happened to this here Mellen of the New Haven Railroad," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Yow</i> learn!" Morris replied. "Is the Kaiser learning something from
+what they done to the Czar?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's a different matter entirely," Abe retorted. "With a relation by
+marriage, you naturally figure if he makes a big success that he fell in
+soft and that a lucky stiff like him if he gets shot with a gun,
+y'understand, the bullet is from gold and it hits him in the pocket yet;
+whereas, if he goes broke and 'ain't got a cent left in the world,
+y'understand, it's a case of what could you expect from a <i>Schlemiel</i>
+like that. So instead of learning anything from what happens to the
+Czar, I bet yer the Kaiser feels awful sore at him yet. Why, I don't
+suppose a day passes without the Kaiser's wife comes to him and says,
+'Listen, Popper, Esther (or whatever the Czar's wife's name is) called
+me up again this morning; she says Nicholas 'ain't got no work nor
+nothing and she was crying something terrible.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, if she's going to keep on crying till I find that loafer a job,'
+the Kaiser says, 'she's got a long wet spell ahead of her.'</p>
+
+<p>"'She don't want you to find him no job,' the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> Kaiser's wife tells him.
+'All she asks is you should send 'em transportation.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Transportation <i>nothing</i>!' the Kaiser says. 'I already sent
+transportation to the King of Greece, Ambassador Bernstorff, Doctor
+Dernburg, this here boy Ed <i>und Gott weisst wer nach</i>. What am I? The
+Pennsylvania Railroad or something?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, what is he going to do 'way out there in Tobolsk?' she says.</p>
+
+<p>"'If he would only of acted reasonable and killed off a couple million
+of them suckers, the way any other king would do, he never would of had
+to go to Tobolsk at all,' the Kaiser says.</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Aber</i> what shall I say to her if she rings up again?' she asks.</p>
+
+<p>"'Say what you please,' the Kaiser answers her, 'but tell Central I
+wouldn't pay no reverse charges under no circumstances whatsoever from
+nowheres.'"</p>
+
+<p>"And who told <i>you</i> all this, Abe?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Nobody," Abe replied. "I figured it out for myself."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you figured wrong, then," Morris said. "The Kaiser don't act that
+way. He ain't human enough, and, furthermore, Abe, the Kaiser don't talk
+over the telephone, neither, because if he did, y'understand, it's a
+cinch that sooner or later the court physician would be giving out the
+cause of death as shock from being connected up with the electric-light
+plant by party or parties unknown and Long Live Kaiser Schmooel the
+Second&mdash;or whatever the Crown Prince's rotten name is."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Any one who done such a thing in the hopes of making a change for the
+better, Mawruss," Abe commented, "would certainly be jumping from the
+frying-pan into the soup, because if the Germans got rid of the Kaiser
+in favor of the Crown Prince it would be a case of discarding a king and
+drawing a deuce."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure I know," Morris said, "but what the Germans need is a new deal all
+around. As the game stands now in Germany, Abe, only a limited few sits
+in, while the rest of the country hustles the refreshments and pays for
+the lights and the cigars, and they're such a poor-spirited bunch,
+y'understand, that they 'ain't got nerve enough to suggest a kitty,
+even."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it's too late for them to start a kitty now, Mawruss," Abe said.
+"Which you could take it from me, Mawruss, the house is going to be
+pulled 'most any day. Several million husky cops is going up the front
+stoop right this minute, Mawruss, and while they may have a little
+trouble with them&mdash;now&mdash;ice-box style of doors, it's only a question of
+time when they would back up the patrol-wagon, y'understand, because if
+the Germans wouldn't close up the game of their own accord, Mawruss, the
+Allies must got to do it <i>for</i> them."</p>
+
+<p>"But the Germans don't want us to help 'em," Morris said. "They're
+perfectly satisfied as they are."</p>
+
+<p>"I know it," Abe said. "They're a nation of shipping-clerks, Mawruss.
+They're in a rut,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> y'understand. They've all got rotten jobs and they're
+scared to death that they're going to lose them. Also the boss works
+them like dawgs and makes their lives miserable, y'understand, and yet
+they're trembling in their pants for fear he is going to bust up on
+them."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I guess it's up to us Allies to show them poor <i>Chamorrim</i> how
+they could be bosses for themselves," Morris suggested.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure it is," Abe concluded, "and next year in Tobolsk when the Kaiser
+joins his relations by marriage, Mawruss, he's going to pick up the
+<i>Tobolsker Freie Presse</i> some morning and see where there has been
+incorporated at last the <i>Deutsche Allgemeine Wohlfahrtfabrik</i>, with a
+capital of a hundred billion marks, to take over the business of the
+K.K. Manufacturing Company, and he's going to say the same as everybody
+else: 'Well, what do you know about them Heinies? I never thought they
+had it in them.'"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="II" id="II"></a>II</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON SOAP-BOXERS AND PEACE FELLERS<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>There is some of them peace fellers which ain't so much scared as
+they are contrary.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"People 'ain't begun to realize yet what this war really and truly
+means, Mawruss," Abe Potash said as he finished reading an interview
+with ex-Ambassador Gerard, in which the ex-ambassador said that people
+had not yet begun to realize what the war really meant.</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe they don't," Morris Perlmutter agreed, "but for every feller
+which 'ain't begun to realize what this war really and truly means, Abe,
+there is a hundred other fellers which 'ain't begun to realize what a
+number of people there is which goes round saying that people 'ain't
+begun to realize what this war really and truly means, y'understand.
+Also, Abe, the same people is going round begging people which is just
+as patriotic as they are that they should brace up and be patriotic,
+y'understand, and they are pulling pledges to hold up the hands of the
+President on other people who has got similar pledges in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> their breast
+pockets and pretty near beats 'em to it, understand me, and that's the
+way it goes."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if one time out of a hundred they strike somebody who really and
+truly don't realize what the war means, like you, Mawruss," Abe began,
+"why, then, their time ain't entirely wasted, neither."</p>
+
+<p>"I realize just so much as you do what this war means, Abe," Morris
+retorted.</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe you do," Abe admitted, "but you don't talk like you did, Mawruss,
+otherwise you would know that if out of a hundred Americans only
+ninety-nine of 'em pledges themselves to hold up the hands of the
+President, y'understand, and the balance of one claims that we are in
+this war just to save our investments in Franco-American bonds and that
+Mr. Wilson is every bit as bad as the Kaiser except that he's
+clean-shaved, y'understand, then them ninety-nine fellers with the
+pledges in their breast pockets should ought to convert the balance of
+one. Because, Mawruss, a nation which is ninety-nine per cent. patriotic
+is like a fish which is ninety-nine per cent. fresh&mdash;all you can notice
+is the one per cent. which smells bad."</p>
+
+<p>"I am just so much in favor of the country being one hundred per cent.
+American as you are, Abe," Morris said, "but what I claim is that we
+should go about it <i>right</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"If you mean we shouldn't argue with them one-per-centers, but send them
+right back to that part of the old country which they come<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> from
+originally, Mawruss," Abe continued, "why, I am agreeable that they
+should be shipped right away, F.O.B., N.Y., all deliveries subject to
+delay and liability being limited to fifty dollars personal baggage in
+case they should, please Gawd, fail to arrive in Europe."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure I know," Morris agreed. "But pretty near all them one-per-centers
+was born and raised in the United States or in Saint Louis, Wisconsin,
+and Cincinnati. You take this here <i>Burgermeister</i> of Chicago, for
+instance, and the chances is that all he knows about the old country is
+what he learned on a couple of visits to Milwaukee, y'understand. So how
+could you export a feller like that?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't want to export him, Mawruss. All I would like to see is that
+they should put an embargo on him," Abe said, "and on his friends, them
+peace fellers, too."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you," Morris commented, "about them peace fellers, you
+couldn't blame 'em exactly, because you know how it is with some people:
+they 'ain't got no control over their feelings, and if they're scared to
+death, y'understand, they couldn't help showing it, which my poor
+grandmother, <i>olav hasholom</i>, wouldn't allow me to keep so much as a
+pea-shooter in the house, on account, she says, if the good Lord wills
+it, even a broomstick could give fire."</p>
+
+<p>"And yet, Mawruss, if burglars would of broke into her home, I bet you
+she would grabbed the nearest flat-iron and went for 'em with it," Abe<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>
+said, "so don't insult your grandmother <i>selig</i> by comparing her with
+them peace fellers which they <i>oser</i> care how many burglars is johnnying
+the front door just so long as they could hide under the bed."</p>
+
+<p>"At the same time, Abe, there is some of them peace fellers which ain't
+so much scared as they are contrary, y'understand," Morris said. "Take
+this here LaFollette, Abe, and that feller's motto is, 'My country&mdash;I
+think she's always wrong&mdash;but right or wrong&mdash;that's my opinion and I
+stick to it.' All a United States Senator has got to do is to look like
+he is preparing to say something, y'understand, and before he can get
+out so much as 'Brother President and fellow-members of this
+organization,' LaFollette jumps up and says, 'I'm sorry, but I disagree
+with you.'"</p>
+
+<p>"That must make him pretty popular in the Senate," Abe remarked.</p>
+
+<p>"Popular's no name for it," Morris continued. "There ain't a United
+States Senator which wouldn't stand willing to dig down and pay for a
+set of engrossed resolutions out of his own pocket, just so long as
+Senator LaFollette would resign or something."</p>
+
+<p>"But Senator LaFollette ain't one of them peace fellers, Mawruss," Abe
+said.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Morris replied. "All he wants is to run the war
+according to Cushing's <i>Manual</i>. If he had his way we wouldn't be able
+to give an order for so much as one-twelfth dozen guns, y'understand,
+without it come up in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> form of a motion that it is regularly moved
+and seconded that the Secretary of War be and he is hereby authorized to
+order the same and all those in favor will signify the same by saying
+aye, y'understand, and even then, Abe, him and Senator Vardaman would
+call for a show of hands under Section Twelve, Subsection D, of the
+by-laws."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I suppose if a few thousand American soldiers gets killed on
+account they 'ain't got the right kind of guns, Mawruss, we could lay it
+to Section Twelve, Subsection D, of the by-laws," Abe suggested.</p>
+
+<p>"And you could give some of them Senators credit for an assist, Abe,
+because you take a Senator like that, Abe, and when he holds up the
+ammunition supply with a two-hour speech, y'understand, he <i>oser</i>
+worries his head how many American soldiers is going to be killed by the
+Germans in France six months later, just so long as his own name is
+spelled right by the newspapers in New York City next morning."</p>
+
+<p>"It would help a whole lot, Mawruss," Abe said, "if Senators and
+Congressmen was numbered the same like automobiles, y'understand,
+because who is going to waste his breath arguing that the Senate should
+pass a law which it's a pipe the Senate ain't going to pass, on account
+that nobody is in favor of it except himself and a couple of other
+Senators temporarily absent on the road, making Fargo, Minneapolis,
+Chicago, and points east as traveling peace conventioners,
+y'un<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>derstand, when he knows that next morning the only notice the New
+York newspapers will take of his <i>Geschrei</i> will be, Among those who
+spoke in the Senate yesterday was:</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<img src="images/illus01.jpg" alt="cheating"  />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p>"Well, there's plenty of people which thinks when Governor Lauben
+wouldn't let them peace fellers run off their convention, y'understand,
+that it was unconstitutional," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe said. "They're the same people which thinks that
+anything what helps us and hinders Germany is unconstitutional,
+including the Constitution. You take them socialist orators, which the
+only use they've got for soap is the boxes the soap comes in,
+y'understand, and to hear them talk you would think that the Kaiser sunk
+the <i>Lusitania</i> pursuant to Article Sixty-one, Section Two, of the
+Constitution of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> United States, Mawruss, whereas when President
+Wilson sends a message to Congress asking them when they are going to
+get busy on the war taxes and what do they think this is, anyway&mdash;a
+<i>Kaffeklatsch</i>, y'understand&mdash;it is all kinds of violations of Articles
+Sixteen, Thirty-two, O.K. and C.O.D. of the Constitution and that the
+American people is a lot of weak-livered curs to stand for it, outside
+of being weak-livered curs, anyway."</p>
+
+<p>"You mean to say we allow these here fellers to get up on soap-boxes and
+say such things like that?" Morris exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"We've <i>got</i> to allow them," Abe replied. "The Constitution protects
+them."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean&mdash;the Constitution protects them?" Morris said. "Here a
+couple of weeks ago a judge in North Carolina gives out a decision that
+the Constitution don't protect little children eleven years old from
+being made to work in factories, y'understand, and now you are trying to
+tell me that the same Constitution does protect these here loafers! What
+kind of a Constitution have we got, anyway?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know, Mawruss, but there's this much about it, anyhow&mdash;a lawyer
+could get more money out of just one board of directors which wants to
+go ahead and put through the deal if under the Constitution of the
+United States nobody could do 'em nothing, y'understand, than he could
+out of all the children which gets injured working in all the
+cotton-mills south of Mason and Hamlin's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> line, understand me. So you
+see, Mawruss, the Constitution not only protects these here soap-box
+orators, but it also gives 'em something to talk about because when they
+want to knock the United States and boost Germany, all they need to say
+is that you've got to hand it to the Germans; if they kill little
+children, they're, anyhow, foreign children and not German children."</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose a lot of them soap-box orators gets paid by the German
+government for boosting the Germans the way you just done it, Abe,"
+Morris commented, "which I see that this here Ridder of the <i>New Yorker
+Staats-Zeitung</i> gives it out that any one what accuses him that he is
+getting paid by the German government for boosting the Kaiser in his
+paper would got to stand a suit for liable, because he is too patriotic
+an American sitson to print articles boosting the Kaiser except as a
+matter of friendship and free of charge&mdash;outside of what he can make by
+syndicating them to other German newspapers."</p>
+
+<p>"But do them other German newspapers get paid by the German government
+for reprinting Mr. Ridder's articles?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>That</i> Mr. Ridder don't say," Morris replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," Abe continued, "<i>somebody</i> should ought to appreciate the way
+them German newspapers love the Kaiser, even if it's only a United
+States District Attorney, Mawruss, because you take it if the shoe
+pinched on the other foot, and a feller by the name Jefferson W. Rider
+was running an American newspaper in Berlin, Germany, by the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> name, we
+would say, for example, the <i>Berlin</i>, <i>Germany</i>, <i>Star-Gazette</i>, which
+is heart and soul for Germany and at the same time prints articles by
+American military experts showing how Germany couldn't win the war, not
+in a million years, and the sooner the German soldiers realize it the
+quicker they wouldn't get killed for such a hopeless <i>Geschaft</i>,
+y'understand. Also, nobody has a greater admiration for the Kaiser than
+the <i>Berlin</i>, <i>Germany</i>, <i>Star-Gazette</i>, understand me, but that if the
+Kaiser thinks President Wilson is a tyrant, y'understand, then all the
+<i>Star-Gazette</i> has got to say is, some day when the Kaiser is fixing the
+ends of his mustache in front of the glass mit candlegrease or whatever
+such <i>Chamorrim</i> uses on their mustaches to make themselves look like
+kaisers, y'understand, that the Kaiser should take another look in the
+mirror and he would see there such a cutthroat tyrant which President
+Wilson never dreamed of being in Princeton University to the
+shipping-clerk, even. Also this here <i>Berlin</i>, <i>Germany</i>, <i>Star-Gazette</i>
+says that Germany is the land of bluff and that&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"One moment," Morris Perlmutter interrupted. "What are you trying to
+tell me&mdash;that such a newspaper would be allowed to exist in Berlin,
+Germany?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am only giving you a hypo-critical case, Mawruss," Abe continued,
+"where I am trying to explain to you that if this was Germany it
+wouldn't be necessary for Mr. Ridder to sue anybody for liable. All he
+would have to do when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> they ask him if he's got anything to say why
+sentence should not be passed, y'understand, is to tell the judge what
+was his trade before he became an editor, understand me, and they would
+put him to work at it for the remainder of the war."</p>
+
+<p>"He wouldn't get off so easy as that, even," Morris commented. "Why,
+what do you suppose they would do to the editor of this here, for
+example, <i>Star-Gazette</i> if he was to just so much as hint that the Crown
+Prince couldn't be such a terrible good judge of French ch&acirc;teau
+furniture, y'understand, on account he had slipped over on the Berlin
+antique dealers a lot of reproductions which they had every right to
+believe was genwine old stuff, as it had been rescued from the flames,
+packed, and shipped under the Crown Prince's personal supervision? I bet
+you, Abe, if the paper was on the streets at three-thirty and the sun
+rose at three-thirty-five, y'understand, the authorities wouldn't wait
+that long. They'd shoot him at three-thirty-two."</p>
+
+<p>"I know it," Abe agreed. "You see, Mawruss, an editor, a soap-boxer, a
+cotton-mill owner, or a stock-waterer might get away with it in this
+country under the Constitution, but over on the other side they wouldn't
+know what he was talking about at all, because in Germany, Mawruss, a
+constitution means only one thing. It's something that can be ruined by
+drinking too much beer, and you don't have to hire no lawyer for
+<i>that</i>."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="III" id="III"></a>III</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON FINANCING THE WAR<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>On everything which a feller buys, from pinochle decks to headache
+medicine, he will have to put a stamp.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"I see where this here Chump Clark says that incomes from over ten
+thousand dollars should ought to be confiscated," Abe Potash observed to
+his partner, Morris Perlmutter, one morning in September.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Morris replied, "and if this here Chump Clark has a good
+year next year and cleans up for a net profit of ten thousand two
+hundred and twenty-six dollars and thirty-five cents, then he'll claim
+that all incomes over ten thousand two hundred and twenty-six dollars
+and thirty-five cents should ought to be confiscated, Abe, and that's
+the way it goes. I am the same way, Abe. Any one what makes more money
+as I do, Abe, I 'ain't got no sympathy for at all."</p>
+
+<p>"I bet yer Vincent Astor thinks that John B. Rockafellar should ought to
+be satisfied mit the reasonable income which a feller could make it by
+working hard at the real-estate business the way Vincent Astor does,"
+Abe commented.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"John B. Rockafellar <i>oser</i> worries his head over the ravings of a
+protelariat," Morris said. "But, anyhow, Abe, there's a whole lot to
+what this here Chump Clark says at that. If we compel men to give up
+their lives for their country, why shouldn't we compel them fellers
+which has got incomes of over ten thousand dollars to give up their
+property for their country also?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss," Abe replied. "This here Chump Clark is a
+Congressman, and the way I feel about it is, that when a Congressman
+wants to say something in Congress, y'understand, he should ought to be
+compelled to first submit it in writing to a certified public accountant
+or, anyhow, a bookkeeper, y'understand, because the average Congressman
+'ain't got no head for figures. Take Mr. Clark, for example, and when he
+reckons that everybody which gets drafted is going to give up his life
+for his country, y'understand, you don't got to be the head actuary of
+the Equitable exactly in order to figure it out that he's made a
+tremendous overestimate. So when the same feller talks about
+confiscating incomes over ten thousand, it ain't necessary to ask how he
+come to fix on ten thousand instead of five thousand or fifteen
+thousand, because whether he tossed for it or dealt himself three cold
+hands, and the hand representing ten thousand dollars won out with treys
+full of deuces, y'understand, the information ain't going to help us
+finance the war to any extent."</p>
+
+<p>"Why not?" Morris asked.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Because you take yourself, for instance, and we would say for the sake
+of argument that in nineteen seventeen you turned over a new leaf and
+worked so hard that you made fifteen thousand five hundred dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"Listen, Abe," Morris interrupted, "if there is a new leaf coming to any
+one around here, Abe, I wouldn't mention no names for the sake of an
+argument or otherwise."</p>
+
+<p>"All right," Abe said, "then we'll say you didn't work no harder, but
+just the same, Mawruss, if you was to make fifteen thousand five hundred
+dollars in nineteen seventeen, and this here Chump Clark gets the
+government to confiscate fifty-five hundred dollars on you, how much
+would they confiscate on you in nineteen eighteen?"</p>
+
+<p>Morris shrugged his shoulders. "What is the use of talking pipe dreams?"
+he said.</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't talking pipe dreams," Abe retorted. "This is something which
+not only Chump Clark suggested it, but Senator LaFollette also as a good
+scheme for financing the war."</p>
+
+<p>"Evidently they don't expect the war to last long," Morris commented,
+"which the most the government could hope to collect is the excess
+income for nineteen seventeen, because if the government confiscates
+five thousand five hundred dollars on me in nineteen seventeen, am I
+going to go around in the summer of nineteen eighteen beefing about
+business being rotten because here it is the first of July, nineteen
+eighteen, and so far<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> all the government could confiscate on me is two
+thousand two hundred and sixty-seven dollars and thirty-eight cents,
+whereas on July first, nineteen seventeen, I had already got confiscated
+on me two thousand four hundred and thirty-one dollars and fifty cents?
+<i>Oser a St&uuml;ck!</i> If I have made ten thousand dollars as early as April
+first, nineteen eighteen, and I know that all further profits for
+nineteen eighteen is going to be confiscated by the government,
+y'understand, right then and there I am going to shut up shop and paste
+a notice on the door:</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<img src="images/illus02.jpg" alt="cheating"  />
+</div>
+
+
+<p>and anybody else would do the same, Abe, I don't care if he would be as
+patriotic as Senator LaFollette himself even."</p>
+
+<p>"But that ain't the only idees for financing the war which Congress has
+got it, Mawruss," Abe said. "On everything which a feller buys, from
+pinochle decks to headache medicine, he will have to put a stamp. There
+will be extra stamps on all kinds of checks from bank checks and poker
+checks to bar checks and hat checks. There will be red stamps, blue
+stamps, and stamps in all pastel shades, and when they run out of colors
+they'll print 'em in black and white<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> and issue them to the public in
+flavors like wintergreen, peppermint, spearmint, and clove for bar-check
+stamps and strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate nut Sunday for
+theayter-ticket stamps."</p>
+
+<p>"For my part they could flavor 'em with <i>gefullte Miltz mit Knockerl</i>,
+because I got through buying orchestra seats when they begun to tax you
+two dollars and fifty cents for them, Abe, which if the government
+really and truly wants to raise money by taxing the public, why do they
+fool away their time asking suggestions from such new beginners like
+LaFollette and Chump Clark, when right here in New York there is fellers
+in the restaurant business, the theayter business, and running hat-check
+stands which has made taxing the public a life study already. For
+instance, if I would be the government and I wanted to tax theayter
+tickets, instead of monkeying around with stamps for twenty or thirty
+cents, y'understand, I would put a head waiter by the box-office window,
+and when the public is through paying for their tickets he gives them
+one look, y'understand, and they just naturally hand him a dollar."</p>
+
+<p>"What I couldn't understand is why should the government pick on people
+which goes to theayter for amusement," Abe said. "Ain't it enough that
+in order to hold my trade I've got to sit for three hours listening to a
+lot of nonsense when I could hardly keep my eyes open, but I must also
+get writer's cramp in my tongue from licking stamps<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> yet just to oblige
+the United States government and a customer from the Middle West, which
+it's a gamble whether he wouldn't return the goods on me even if he does
+give me the order."</p>
+
+<p>"That's what it is to have fellers working as Congressmen which 'ain't
+had no other business experience," Morris declared. "If LaFollette and
+this here Clark knew what they was about, Abe, they would make it a law
+that the <i>customer</i> should buy the stamps, and not alone for theayters,
+but for meals also. You take some of these out-of-town buyers which
+you've practically got to ruin their digestions before they would so
+much as look at your line, y'understand, and if they would got to paste
+a fifty-cent stamp on every broiled lobster they order up on you it
+would go a long way toward taking care of the uniform bills for the
+first draft."</p>
+
+<p>"And they should also got to stand for the tax on gasolene also," Abe
+added. "If you treat one of them grafters to so much as a two-quart
+automobile ride, you've already sacrificed half your profit on a couple
+of garments, even if he does pay for the stamps."</p>
+
+<p>"Cigars is another thing the government could of got a lot of money out
+of," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean&mdash;<i>could</i> of got?" Abe exclaimed. "They <i>do</i> get a lot
+of money out of cigars. You take the average cigar to-day which costs
+sixty dollars a thousand to put on the market, Mawruss, and each cigar
+stands the manufacturer in as follows:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="table" width='400'>
+<tr><td align='left'>Advertising</td><td align='right'>$.01&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Printing and lithographing</td><td align='right'>.0015&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Manufacturing and boxing</td><td align='right'>.01&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Swiss chard</td><td align='right'>.005&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>War tax</td><td align='right'>.02&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td></td><td align='right'>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Total</td><td align='right'>$.06"</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<p>"Sure I know," Morris agreed, "but the art about taxing cigars ain't so
+much to sting the feller that manufactures them and the feller that buys
+them as the fellers which accepts them free for nothing. There is a
+whole lot of women's-wear retailers in the Middle West which has got
+quite a reputation for hospitality, because whenever they have a poker
+game up to the house they hand out cigars which cost you and me and
+other garment manufacturers here in New York as much as ninety dollars a
+thousand wholesale. So what I say is that the government should tax
+anybody which accepts a cigar to smoke on the spot ten cents, and for
+every one of them put-it-in-your-pocket-and-smoke-it-after-a-while
+cigars, such a feller should be taxed ten dollars or ten days."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, they'll get a whole lot of money raising postage from two to
+three cents," Abe suggested.</p>
+
+<p>"But not so much as they could get if they was to go about it right,"
+Morris said. "For sending letters which says, 'Inclosed please find
+check in payment of your last month's bill and oblige,' three cents is
+enough for any business man to pay, Abe, and in fact the feller which
+received<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> such a letter shouldn't ought to kick if the Post Office
+Department makes him pay also three cents postage, but there is some
+letters which it should ought to be the law that when a merchant
+received one of them he should right away report the sender to the Post
+Office Department for a special war-tax stamp of from one to a hundred
+dollars. For instance, two dollars extra wouldn't be too much postage
+for a letter where it says, 'Your favor received and contents noted, and
+in reply would say you should be so kind and wait a couple days and I
+would see what I could do toward sending you a check for your March
+bill, as my wife has been sick ever since May fifteenth, and oblige,
+yours truly, The Reliance Store, M. Doober, proprietor.'"</p>
+
+<p>"If all them overdue retailers which is all the time pulling a sick wife
+on their creditors was to be taxed two dollars apiece, Mawruss," Abe
+said, "how much postage do you figure a storekeeper should pay when he
+writes to claim a shortage in delivery before he starts to unpack the
+goods, even. Then there is the feller which, when it don't get below
+zero promptly on the first of November, writes to tell you that he must
+say he is surprised, as the winter-weight garments which you shipped him
+ain't nowheres up to sample and is holding same at your disposal and
+remain, which if the government would come down on him for a hundred
+dollars, he is practically getting off with a warning. And I could think
+of a lot of other excess-postage cases, too, but, as I understand it,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>
+we are only trying to raise forty billion dollars, Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't let that stop you, Abe," Morris said, "because there's going to
+be plenty of extras over and above the original estimate, which I see
+that a lot of South American countries is coming into the war and it's
+only a question of a month or so when we would have calling on us a
+commission from Peru, a commission from Chile, a commission from
+Bolivia, a commission from Paraguay, and all of them with the same
+hard-luck story, that if they only had a couple of billion dollars they
+could put an army of five hundred thousand soldiers into the field, if
+they only had five hundred thousand soldiers."</p>
+
+<p>"Just the same, Mawruss," Abe said, "them countries is going to be a lot
+of help."</p>
+
+<p>"And when we get through paying the help, y'understand, we've still got
+to raise money for the family to live on," Morris said, "so go ahead
+with your suggestion, Abe. Maybe there's some taxes which Congress
+'ain't thought of yet."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, there's this here free speech, which, instead of being free,
+Mawruss, if it was subject to a tax of one dollar per soap-box hour,
+payable strictly in advance, y'understand, so far as the pacifists is
+concerned, you would be able to hear a pin drop. Even Congressmen would
+soon get tired of paying from twenty to twenty-four dollars a day,
+especially if the government made it a stamp tax."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"LaFollette would be covered mit stamps from head to foot," Morris
+remarked.</p>
+
+<p>"That would suit me all right," Abe said, "particularly if the collector
+of internal revenue was to run him with stamps affixed through a
+cancellation-machine and cancel him good and proper."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="IV" id="IV"></a>IV</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON BERNSTORFF'S EXPENSE ACCOUNT<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Here he is coming back from his trip after losing his whole territory
+to his firm's competitors, and naturally he tries to make a good
+showing with his expense account.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"I see where the government puts a limit on the price which coal-dealers
+could charge for coal," Abe Potash said to his partner, Morris
+Perlmutter.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Morris said, "but did the coal-dealers see it, because I
+met Felix Geigermann on the Subway this morning, and from the way he
+talked about what the coal-dealers was asking for coal up in Sand
+Plains, where he lives, Abe, I gathered it was somewheres around twenty
+dollars a caret unset."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Gott sei dank</i> I am living in an apartment mit steam heat and my lease
+has still got two years to run at the same rent," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I hope it's written on good thick paper, and then it'll come in
+handy to wear under your overcoat when you sit home evenings next
+winter, Abe, because by the first of next February janitors<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> will be
+giving coal to the furnace like it would be asperin&mdash;from five to ten
+grains every three hours," Morris predicted, "which I will admit that I
+ain't a good enough judge of anthracite coal to tell whether it's
+fireproof, of slow-burning construction, or just the ordinary sprinkled
+risk, y'understand, but I do know coal-dealers, Abe, and if the
+government says they must got to sell coal at seven dollars a ton,
+y'understand, it'll be like buying one of them high-grade automobiles
+where the list price includes only the engine and the two front wheels,
+F.O.B. Detroit. In other words, Abe, if you would buy coal to-day at
+seven dollars a ton you would get a bill something like this:</p>
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="table" width='300'>
+<tr><td align='left'>To coal</td><td align='right'>$7.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>To loading coal</td><td align='right'>1.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>To unloading coal</td><td align='right'>1.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>To weighing coal</td><td align='right'>1.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>To delivering coal</td><td align='right'>1.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>To dusting off coal</td><td align='right'>1.00</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<p>and you would be playing in luck if you didn't get charged a dollar each
+for tasting coal, smelling coal, feeling coal, and doing anything else
+to coal that a coal-dealer would have the nerve to charge one dollar
+for."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if I would be the United States government," Abe commented, "and
+had got a practical coal-man like this here Garfield to set a limit of
+seven dollars I wouldn't let them robbers pull no last rounds of
+rang-doodles on me, Mawruss. I'd<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> take away their chips from 'em and put
+'em right out of the game."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure I know, Abe," Morris said, "<i>aber</i> this here Garfield ain't a
+practical coal-man, Abe, and maybe that's the trouble. Mr. Garfield is
+president of Williams College, so you couldn't blame these here
+coal-dealers, because you know as well as I do, Abe, the garment trade
+will certainly put up an awful holler if when it comes to appoint a
+cloak-and-suit administrator Mr. Wilson is going to wish on us some such
+expert as Nicholas Murray Butler <i>oder</i> the president of the Union
+Theological Cemetery."</p>
+
+<p>"At that," Abe said, "I think they'd know more about the price of
+garments than Bernstorff did about the price of Congressmen. I always
+give that feller credit for more sense than that he should try to
+explain an item in his expense account by claiming that</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 5em;">
+April 3, 1917, To sundries          $50,000
+</p>
+
+<p>was what he paid for bribing the United States Congress."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, say!" Morris exclaimed. "The poor feller had to tell 'em something,
+didn't he? Here he is coming back from his trip after losing his whole
+territory to his firm's competitors, and naturally he tries to make a good
+showing with his expense account, which, believe me, Abe, if I was a rotten
+salesman like that, before I would face my employer&mdash;and <i>such</i> an
+employer, because that <i>Rosher</i> 'ain't got them spike-end mustaches
+for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> nothing, Abe&mdash;I would first jump in the river, even if my expense
+account showed that I had been staying in a-dollar-and-a-half-a-day
+American-plan hotels and had sat up nights in the smoker for big jumps
+like from Terre Haute to Paducah."</p>
+
+<p>"Can you imagine the way the Kaiser feels?" Abe said. "I suppose at the
+start he was keeping so calm that he bit the end off his fountain pen
+and started to light the cap, and probably took one or two puffs before
+he noticed anything strange about the flavor, because you could easy
+make a mistake like that with a German cigar.</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Nu</i>, Bernstorff,' he says, at last, as he looks at the expense
+account, 'before we take up the matter of this here eight-foot shelf of
+the world's greatest fiction I would like to hear what you got to say
+for yourself, so go ahead mit your lies and make it short.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I suppose you got my letters,' Bernstorff begins, 'the ones I sent you
+through the Swede.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What Swede?' the Kaiser says.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yon Yonson, the second assistant ambassador,' Bernstorff answers. 'I
+told him if he got them letters through for me that you would give him
+an order on the Chancellor for a first-class red eagle, but I guess he'd
+be satisfied with one of them old-rose eagles, Class Four B, that we
+used to have piled up there in the corner of the shipping-room.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I wouldn't even give him an order on Mike, the Popular Berlin Hatter,
+for a two-dollar derby, even,' the Kaiser says. '<i>Chutzpah!</i> Writes me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>
+letter after letter with nothing but weather reports in 'em, and he
+wants me I should give this here Yonson a red eagle yet which costs me
+thirty-two fifty a dozen wholesale. Seemingly to you, Bernstorff, money
+is nothing.'</p>
+
+<p>"Here the old man grabs ahold of the expense account again.</p>
+
+<p>"'Honestly, Bernstorff,' he says, 'I don't see how you had the heart to
+spend all that money when you know how things are here in Berlin. If me
+and my Gussie sits down once a week to such a piece of meat as
+<i>gedampfte Brustdeckel mit Kartoffelpfannkuchen</i>, y'understand, that's
+already a feast for us, and as for chicken, I assure you we 'ain't had
+so much as a soup fowl in the house since my birthday a year ago, and
+you got the nerve to send me in an expense account like this. Aint it a
+shame and a disgrace?</p>
+
+
+
+<div>
+<table border="0"  summary="table" cellspacing='4' width='200'>
+<tr><td align='right'>1916, May 1.</td><td align='right'>Bolo</td><td align='right'>$4.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>5.</td><td align='right'>Bolo</td><td align='right'>6.00</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='right'>9.</td><td align='right'>Bolo</td><td align='right'>3.25</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<p>and every other day for week after week you spent on Bolo anywheres from
+one to fifteen dollars. Tell me, Bernstorff, how could a man make such a
+god out of his stomach?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Why, what do you think Bolo is?' Bernstorff asks.</p>
+
+<p>"'I don't <i>think</i> what Bolo is; I <i>know</i> what Bolo is,' the Kaiser tells
+him, and a dreamy look comes into his eyes. 'Many a time I seen my poor
+<i>Grossmutter olav hasholom</i> make it. She<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> used to chop up ten onions,
+five cents' worth parsley, and a big piece <i>Knoblauch</i>, add six eggs and
+a half a pound melted butter, and let simmer slowly. Now take your
+chicken and&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>"'All right, Boss, I wouldn't argue with you,' Bernstorff says, 'because
+them amounts represent only the preliminary lunches which I give this
+here Bolo. Further down you would see where he gets the real big money,
+and then I'll explain.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, explain this,' the old man says. 'Here under date July second,
+nineteen sixteen, it stand an item:</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 5em;">
+To blowing up munitions plant      $10,000<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Who did you get to do it? Caruso?'</p>
+
+<p>"'You couldn't blow up a munitions plant and make a first-class job of
+it under ten thousand dollars, Boss,' Bernstorff says.</p>
+
+<p>"'Is <i>that</i> so?' the Kaiser tells him. 'Well, let me tell you something,
+Bernstorff. I've got a pretty good line on what them munitions
+explosions ought to cost. My eldest boy has been blowing up buildings in
+France for over three years now, and for what it costs to blow up a
+factory he could blow up two cathedrals and a ch&acirc;teau.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Have it your own way, Boss,' Bernstorff says, 'but them ch&acirc;teau
+buildings is so old that they're pretty near falling down, anyway.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Don't give me no arguments,' the Kaiser says. 'I suppose you're going
+to tell me these here</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 5em;">
+8 5-12 doz asstd bombs      $3,200<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>was some Saturday specials you picked up in a bargain basement. What was
+they filled with, rubies?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Bombs is awful high, Boss,' Bernstorff says. 'Ask Dernburg what he
+used to pay for bombs; ask Von Papen; ask this here judge of the New
+York Supreme Court&mdash;I forget his name; ask anybody; they would tell you
+the same.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Should I also ask 'em if spies gets paid in America the same like
+stomach specialists in Germany? Look at this:</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 5em;">
+To one week's salary 12,235 spies    $1,223,500<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>What have you been doing, Bernstorff? Keeping a steam-yacht on me and
+charging it up as spies?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Listen, Boss,' Bernstorff says. 'If you would know what an awful
+strong organization spies has got in the United States, instead you
+would be talking to me this way you would be thanking your lucky stars
+that I didn't let 'em run the wage scale up on me no higher than they
+did. Why, before I left Washington a deputation from Local Number One
+Amalgamated Spies of North America comes to see me and&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>"'What the devil you are talking nonsense?' the Kaiser shouts. '<i>Moost</i>
+you got to employ union spies? Couldn't you find thousands and thousands
+of non-union spies to work for you?'</p>
+
+<p>"'That only goes to show what you know about America,' Bernstorff says.
+'There's a whole lot of people in America which would stand for blowing
+up factories, sinking passenger-steamers, shoot<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>ing up hospitals, and
+dropping bombs on kindergartens, y'understand, but when it comes to
+people employing scab labor, they draw the line. And then again, Boss,
+spies is very highly thought of in America. Respectable people, like
+lawyers and doctors, gets arrested every day over there, and even once
+in a while a minister, y'understand, but a spy&mdash;<i>never</i>!'</p>
+
+<p>"At this point when it looks like plain sailing for Bernstorff, the
+Kaiser picks out that fifty-thousand-dollar item, and right there
+Bernstorff makes his big mistake, for as soon as he starts that
+Congressmen story the old man begins to figure that if Congressmen are
+so cheap and spies so dear, y'understand, the only thing to do is to
+call up the <i>Polizeiprasidium</i> and tell 'em to send around a
+plain-clothes man right away to number Twenty-six A Schloss Platz, ring
+Hohenzollern's bell."</p>
+
+<p>"Then you really think that Bernstorff and Von Papen and all them crooks
+didn't spend the money over here that they claimed they spent," Morris
+said.</p>
+
+<p>"They probably spent it, all right," Abe replied, "but whether or not
+they spent it for what they claimed they spent it <i>for</i>, Mawruss, <i>that</i>
+I don't know, because if them fellers didn't stop at arson, dynamiting,
+and murder, why should they hesitate at petty larceny?"</p>
+
+<p>"But what them boys did in the way of blowing up munitions plants and
+sinking passenger-steamers was because they loved the Kaiser so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> much,
+and instead of arresting Bernstorff for the money he spent, Abe, I bet
+yer the Kaiser made him a thirty-second degree passed assistant
+<i>Geheimrat</i> or something," Morris declared.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, there's no accounting for tastes, Mawruss," Abe said, "and if
+these here Germans is willing to slaughter, rob, and burn because they
+are in love with a feller which to me has a personality as attractive as
+the framed insides of the entrance to a safe deposit vault,
+y'understand, all I can say is that I don't give them no more credit for
+it than I would to a bookkeeper who committed forgery because he was in
+love with the third lady from the end in the second row of the original
+Bowery Burlesquers."</p>
+
+<p>"The wonder to me is that the Kaiser don't see it that way, too," Morris
+commented.</p>
+
+<p>"That's because when it comes right down <i>to</i> it, Mawruss, the third
+lady from the end ain't no more stuck on herself than the Kaiser is on
+<i>him</i>self," Abe said. "Them third ladies from the end figure that the
+poor suckers always <i>did</i> like 'em, and that therefore they are always
+<i>going</i> to like 'em, so they go ahead and treat their admirers like
+dawgs and take everything they give 'em, y'understand, and the end of it
+is that either a third lady becomes so careless that from a perfect
+thirty-six she comes to be an imperfect fifty-four and has to work for a
+living, or else she gets pinched for receiving the property which them
+poor buffaloed admirers of hers handed over to her, and that'll be the
+end of the Kaiser, too."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"And how soon do you think <i>that</i> will happen?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"That depends on how soon the Kaiser's admirers gets through with him,"
+Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe the Kaiser will quit first," Morris concluded, "because you take
+them third ladies from the end, Abe, and sooner or later they grow
+terrible tired of this here&mdash;now&mdash;fast life."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="V" id="V"></a>V</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS ON THE FRONT PAGE AND OFF<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>What war done ain't a marker on what peace is going to do to a great
+many of these here front-page propositions which is nowadays
+accustomed to being continued on page two, column five, y'understand.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"Yes, Mawruss," Abe said, as he thrust aside the sporting section one
+Sunday in October, "a people at war is like a man with a sick wife.
+Nothing else interests him, which here it stands an account from how
+them loafers out in Chicago plays baseball for the world's record yet,
+and for all the effect it has on me, Mawruss, it might just so well be
+something which catches my eye for the first time in the old newspaper
+padding which my wife pulls out from under the carpet when she is
+house-cleaning in the spring of nineteen twenty."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," Morris said, "I must got to confess that when I seen it
+yesterday how this here Fleisch shoots a home run there in the fifth
+innings, I&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What are you talking nonsense&mdash;a home run in the fifth innings!" Abe
+exclaimed. "The home run was made in the fourth innings. The White<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> Sox
+didn't make no score in the fifth innings. It was the Giants which made
+their only run in the fifth. McCarty knocked a three-bagger and Sallee
+singled and brought him home. <i>You</i> tell <i>me</i> what innings Fleisch shot
+a home run in!"</p>
+
+<p>"All right, Abe," Morris said, "I wouldn't argue with you, but all I got
+to say is you're lucky that on account of the war you ain't interested
+in auction pinochle the way you ain't interested in baseball, otherwise
+you might get quite a reputation as a gambler."</p>
+
+<p>"I am just so much worried about this war as you are, Mawruss," Abe
+protested, "but if I couldn't take my mind off of it long enough to find
+out which ball team is winning the world series I would be a whole lot
+more worried about myself as I would be about the war, which it don't
+make no difference how much a man loves his wife, y'understand, if she's
+only sick on him long enough, Mawruss, he's going to get sufficiently
+used to it to take in now and then a good show occasionally. In fact,
+Mawruss, it's a relief to read once in a while in the newspapers
+something which ain't about the war, like a murder, y'understand, the
+only drawback being that along about the third day after the discovery
+of the body, and just when you are getting interested in the thing,
+General Haig advances another mile on a couple of thousand kilowatt
+front, y'understand, and for all you can find anything in the newspaper
+about your murder, y'understand me, the feller needn't have troubled
+himself to commit it at all."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Murderers ain't the only people which got swamped by the war," Morris
+said. "Take William J. Bryan, for example, and up to within a year or
+so, Abe, the newspaper publicity which William J. Bryan got free,
+y'understand, William J. Douglas would of paid a quarter of a million
+dollars for. Take also this here Hobson which sunk the <i>Merrimac</i> and
+Lindsey M. Garrison, who by resigning from the War Department come
+within an ace and a couple of pinochle decks thrown in of ruining Mr.
+Wilson's future prospects, Abe, and there was two fellers which used to
+get into the newspapers as regularly as Harry K. Thaw and Peruna, and
+yet, Abe, if any time during the past six months William J. Bryan,
+Lindsey M. Garrison, and this here Hobson would of been out riding
+together, and the automobile was to run over a cliff a hundred feet high
+onto a railroad track and be struck by the cannon-ball express,
+understand me, the most they could expect to see about it in the papers
+would be:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p class='center'><b>NEWS IN BRIEF</b></p>
+
+<p>An automobile rolled over an embankment at Van Benschoten Avenue and
+456th Street, the Bronx, landing in a railroad cut. Its four
+occupants are in Lincoln Hospital. One of them, George K. Smith, a
+chauffeur, suffered a fracture of the skull.</p>
+
+<p>More than fifty pawn tickets were found on Peter Krasnick, who was
+caught in Brooklyn after a chase over a rear fire-escape. He is
+charged with burglary.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p class= 'center'>World Wants Work Wonders</p></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>And if at the last moment before the reporters goes home for the night
+word comes that the Germans made another strong attack on Hill
+Six-sixty-six B, y'understand, they strike out everything except 'World
+Wants Work Wonders' and let it go at that."</p>
+
+<p>"Referendum and Recall is something else which you used to see a whole
+lot about in the papers," Abe said, "and while I always ducked 'em
+myself, at the same time there must be a whole lot of people which is
+wondering what ever become of 'em since the war started."</p>
+
+<p>"The chances is," Morris declared, "if they was to come across the names
+Referendum and Recall in the papers to-day, Abe, they would say it's a
+miracle they escaped as long as they did, because they've got a hazy
+impression they read it somewheres that the Recollection, the
+Resurrection, and the Reproduction of the same line was sunk by U-boats
+about the time they torpedoed the Minnieboska, the Minnietoba, and all
+them other Minnies."</p>
+
+<p>"Prize-fighting is also got a black eye in the way of newspaper
+publicity since we went into the war, Mawruss," Abe continued, "and it
+ain't remarkable, neither, when you look back and think of the pages and
+pages the newspapers used to print about a couple of loafers trying to
+hurt each other with gloves on their hands, which, believe me, Mawruss,
+a green shipping-clerk could give himself worse <i>Makkas</i> nailing up one
+case of goods<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> than them boys could do to each other in a whole season
+already."</p>
+
+<p>"I bet yer," Morris said, "and for such a picnic Jeff Willard used to
+get over a hundred thousand dollars yet."</p>
+
+<p>"Can you imagine how much money one of them aviators over in the old
+country ought to draw under such a wage scale?" Abe asked. "I read an
+account of what an aviator has got to do when he goes up in an
+airyoplane, Mawruss, and at one and the same time while he is balancing
+himself five thousand feet in the air he takes photographs, shoots off
+guns, drops bombs, sends wireless telegraphs, and also runs and steers
+an engine which is so powerful, y'understand, that if you would be
+running it on dry land, Mawruss, you wouldn't be able to take your mind
+off of it long enough to think about the high cost of camera supplies,
+let alone taking pictures yet."</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder if such a young feller has got also a knowledge of bookkeeping
+and stenography," Morris speculated.</p>
+
+<p>"What difference does that make?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Because, Abe, if after the war we could get him to come to work in our
+place it would pay us to give him a hundred dollars a week even," Morris
+replied, "on account it would be a cinch, after what he's been used to
+in his last position, for such a young feller to operate an electric
+rotary cutting-machine with his left hand and press garments with his
+right, and he has still got both legs and his head left to keep the
+books,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> answer the telephone, run a typewriter and an adding-machine,
+and fix up a new card index for our credit system."</p>
+
+<p>"At that he would probably throw up the job on account he didn't have
+enough to do to keep him busy, Mawruss," Abe commented, "and also it's
+going to be pretty hard for them fellers to settle down after the war
+gets through, considering all the excitement they've had with their
+names in the papers and everything."</p>
+
+<p>"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "The fact that a feller like Hindenberg is now
+getting his name in the paper the way it used to was a few years ago
+with Hannah Elias and Cassie Chadwick ain't no criterion to judge by,
+Abe, because what war done to make the newspapers forget their old
+friends Bryan and Evelyn Nesbut ain't a marker on what peace is going to
+do to a great many of these here front-page propositions which is
+nowadays accustomed to being continued on page two, column five,
+y'understand. Why, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if in about five or six
+years from now, Abe, you are going to take up the paper some morning and
+read an item like this:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p class='center'><b>OBITUARY NOTES</b></p>
+
+<p>Max K. Hindenberg, 83 years old, a clothing merchant, member of the
+firm of Hindenberg &amp; Levy, and recording secretary of Sigmund Meyer
+Post No. 97 Veterans of the War of 1914-1918, died early yesterday at
+his home, 2076 East 8th Street, Potsdam, Germany, yesterday. Deceased
+was a native of East Prussia.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span>And the chances is that ninety-nine out of a hundred people ain't even
+going to say to themselves, 'Where did I hear that name before?'"</p>
+
+<p>"That's where you make a big mistake, Mawruss," Abe said. "Hindenberg is
+a very popular feller in Germany, and I bet yer that on every map filed
+in the county clerks' offices of Prussian real-estate developments
+during the past three years there's a Hindenberg Street or a Hindenberg
+Avenue, to say nothing of the babies which has been born over there and
+named Max Hindenberg Goldsticker or Max Hindenberg Schwartz."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure I know," Morris said, "and you can take my word for it, Abe, along
+about nineteen hundred and thirty-five there's going to be a whole lot
+of lawyers over in Deutschland making from twenty-five to fifty marks a
+throw for putting through motions in the Court of Common Pleas for the
+City and County of Berlin that the name of the said applicant, Max H.
+Goldsticker or Max H. Schwartz, as the case may or may not be, be and
+the same hereby is changed to Frank Pershing Goldsticker or Woodrow W.
+Schwartz. Also, Abe, if ever they open up Charlottenberg Heights
+overlooking beautiful Lake Hundekehlen as per plat filed in the office
+of the register of Brandenburg County, y'understand, there'll be a
+Helfferich Place, a Liebknecht Avenue, and even a Bebel Terrace maybe,
+but in twenty years from now a German real-estater wouldn't be able even
+to give away lots free for nothing on any Hindenberg Street or
+Hindenberg Avenue, not if he was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> to throw in a two-family house with
+portable garage complete."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you could say the same thing about this country, too," Abe
+declared, "which twenty years from now, people wouldn't know whether the
+word <i>viereck</i> was a fish or a cheese; and as for all them college
+professors which got fired recently because they made the mistake of
+thinking that a college professor gets paid to fool away his time making
+speeches against the government the same like a United States Senator,
+y'understand, I couldn't even remember their names to-day yet, so you
+can imagine how they're going to go down in history, Mawruss: compared
+to them fellers, there are a few thousand notary publics whose names
+will be household words already."</p>
+
+<p>"Any man who thinks he is going to make a name for himself by talking or
+writing against his country is due to get badly fooled, I don't care if
+he would be a college professor, a United States Senator, or an editor,
+Abe," Morris said, "because the most he could hope for is the thing what
+usually happens him. He gets fired, Abe, and the only reputation a
+feller gets by getting fired is the reputation for getting fired, and
+that ain't much of a recommendation when he comes to look for another
+job."</p>
+
+<p>"The people I am sorry for is the wives of these here professors," Abe
+said, "which even when a college professor has got steady work his wife
+'ain't got no bed of roses to make both ends meet, neither, and I bet
+yer more than one of them ladies<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> will got to do a little plain sewing
+for a living on account her husband became so hot-headed over this here
+pacifism."</p>
+
+<p>"That's the trouble with them pacifists," Morris concluded. "If they
+would only take some of the heat out of their heads and put it into
+their feet, Abe, they could hold onto their jobs and their wives
+wouldn't got to go to work at all. Am I right or wrong?"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="VI" id="VI"></a>VI</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON HOOVERIZING THE OVERHEAD<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>When a feller reckons the overhead on the goods he manufactures he
+figures in one-twelfth of his telephone number, one-twelfth of the
+year he was born, and one-twelfth of every other number he can
+remember from his automobile to his street number.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"Of course, Mawruss, I don't claim that Mr. Hoover don't know his
+business nor nothing like that," Abe Potash said as he finished reading
+a circular mailed to him by the Food Conservation Director, "but at the
+same time if I would be permitted to make a suggestion, Mawruss, I would
+suggest that in addition to following out all the <span class="smcap">DON'TS</span> in
+this here food-conservation circular&mdash;and also in the interests of being
+strictly economical, y'understand&mdash;the women of the country should learn
+it genwine Southern cooking, the kind they've got it in
+two-dollars-a-day American-plan Southern hotels, Mawruss, and not only
+would people eat much less than they eat at present, but the chances is
+it would fix some people so they wouldn't eat at all."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Why <i>Southern</i> cooking?" Morris Perlmutter asked. "For that matter,
+two-dollar-a-day American-plan Eastern cooking wouldn't make you eat
+yourself red in the face, neither, which the last time I was in New
+Bedford they gave me for lunch some fried schrod, and I give you my
+word, Abe, I'd as lieve eat a pair of feet-proof socks, including the
+guarantee and the price ticket. But that ain't neither here or there,
+Abe. Nobody could pin medals on himself for being a small eater in a
+hotel, Abe, <i>aber</i> the test comes when you arrive home from the store at
+half past seven and your wife sets before you a plate of <i>gedampfte
+Kalbfleisch</i> which if a chef in Delmonico's would cook such a thing like
+that, Abe, the Ritz-Carlton would pay John G. Stanchfield a retainer of
+one hundred thousand dollars to advise them how the fellow's contract
+could be broken with Delmonico's so they could get him to come to work
+for them. And that's why I am telling you, Abe, when you get such a
+plate of <i>gedampfte Kalbfleisch</i> in front of you, which the steam comes
+up from it like roses, y'understand, and when you put a piece of it in
+your mouth it's like&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Say, listen," Abe protested, "let me alone, will you? It's only eleven
+o'clock, and I couldn't go out to lunch for another hour yet."</p>
+
+<p>"That only goes to show what for a stomach patriot you are, Abe," Morris
+commented. "Even when we are only <i>talking</i> about food you couldn't
+restrain yourself, so what must it be like when you've got the food
+actually on the table? I bet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> yer you don't remember that such a
+feller as Hoover ever existed at all, let alone what he says about
+eating reasonable."</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<img src="images/illus06.jpg" alt="lunch"  />
+<a id="illus06" name="illus06"></a>
+<p class='caption'>
+"'So,' Mrs. Hoover says, 'you had one of them sixty-cent
+table-d'h&ocirc;te lunches to-day again, and now of course you 'ain't got no
+appetite. How many times did I tell you you shouldn't eat that
+poison?'"</p></div>
+
+<p>"That's all right, Mawruss," Abe said. "Mr. Hoover could talk that way,
+because maybe his wife ain't such a crank about her cooking like my
+Rosie is, y'understand, <i>aber</i> if Mr. Hoover would be me, Mawruss, and
+there comes on the table some <i>gestoffte Miltz</i> which Mrs. Hoover has
+been breaking her back standing over the stove all the afternoon seeing
+that it don't stick to the bottom of the kettle, y'understand, and Mr.
+Hoover takes only a couple slices of it on account of the war,
+y'understand, what is going to happen then?</p>
+
+<p>"'So,' Mrs. Hoover says, 'you had one of them sixty-cent table-d'h&ocirc;te
+lunches to-day again, and now of course you 'ain't got no appetite. How
+many times did I tell you you shouldn't eat that poison?'</p>
+
+<p>"'So sure as I am sitting here, mommer,' Hoover says, 'all I had for my
+lunch was a Swiss-cheese rye-bread sandwich and a cup coffee.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Then what's the matter you ain't eating?' Mrs. Hoover says. 'Ain't it
+cooked right?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Certainly it's cooked right,' Hoover says. 'But two pieces is a plenty
+on account of the war.'</p>
+
+<p>"'On account of the war! I could work my fingers to the bone fixing good
+food for that man, and he wouldn't eat it on account of the war, <i>sagt
+er</i>,' says Mrs. Hoover.</p>
+
+<p>"'But, listen, mommer&mdash;' Hoover tries to tell her.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Never mind, any excuse is better than none,' Mrs. Hoover says. 'Turns
+up his nose at my cooking yet! <i>Gestoffte Miltz</i> ain't good <i>enough</i> for
+him. I suppose you would like me to give you every day roast duck on
+twenty dollars a week housekeeping money. Did you ever hear the like?
+Couldn't eat <i>gestoffte Miltz</i> no more, so tony he gets all of a
+sudden!'</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Aber</i> mommer, listen to me for a moment,' Hoover says, but it ain't a
+bit of use because Mrs. Hoover goes into the bedroom and locks the door
+on him, and by the time he has got her to be on speaking terms again he
+has violated the don't-eat-no-sugar <span class="smcap">DON'T</span> to the extent of four
+dollars and fifty cents for a five-pound box of mixed chocolates and
+bum-bums, understand me. Also just to show that she forgives him they
+take in a show mit afterward a supper in which Mr. Hoover violates not
+only all the other <span class="smcap">DON'Ts</span> in the food-conservation circulars,
+but also makes himself liable to go to jail for giving a couple of
+dollars to a German head waiter under the Trading with the Enemy law."</p>
+
+<p>"At that, the way some of our best hotels conservates food nowadays is
+setting a good example to the women of the country," Morris declared.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean&mdash;nowadays?" Abe retorted. "They always conservated
+food, the only difference being, Mawruss, that in former times, when
+them crooks used to get ten portions of chicken <i>&agrave; la</i> King out of a
+two-pound cold-storage chicken and charged you a dollar and a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> quarter a
+portion for it, y'understand, they was a bunch of crooks&mdash;ain't
+it?&mdash;whereas nowadays when them crooks get eleven portions out of the
+same chicken and charge you a dollar and a half a portion for it,
+y'understand, they're a bunch of patriots, understand me, which if the
+coal-dealer and the retail grocer and butcher would short-weight you and
+overcharge you the way some of them patriotic New York hotel proprietors
+does, it would be hard to find many patriots in New York City outside of
+Blackwells Island <i>oder</i> the Tombs prison."</p>
+
+<p>"And yet, Abe, if you would go to work and figure out the overhead on a
+chicken which is used for eleven portions of chicken <i>&agrave; la</i> King,"
+Morris said, "you would find that the hotel-keeper gets his profit only
+from the neck which he uses for chicken consomm&eacute;."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, say!" Abe exclaimed. "A profit of six cups of chicken consomm&eacute; at
+forty cents a cup ain't to be sneezed at, neither, and even then you are
+taking the hotel-keeper's word for the overhead, which I don't care if a
+feller would be ordinarily a regular George Washington, y'understand,
+and wouldn't even lie to his wife about how he come out in his weekly
+Saturday-night pinochle game, understand me, but when such a feller
+reckons the overhead on the goods he manufactures it don't make no
+difference if it would be locomotive engines or pants, in addition to
+the legitimate cost of every one-twelfth dozen articles, he figures in
+as overhead one-twelfth of his tele<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>phone number, one-twelfth of the
+year he was born, one-twelfth of how old his grandfather <i>olav hasholom</i>
+was when he married for the fourth time, and one-twelfth of every other
+number he can remember, from his automobile number to his street number,
+and usually such a crook lives in the last house from the city limits."</p>
+
+<p>"I tell yer, Abe," Morris said, "the feller which invented poison gas
+was some <i>Rosher</i>, and the feller which invented T.M.T. also, but the
+feller which invented the overhead is in a class by himself just behind
+the Kaiser. I don't know what his name is, but he is the feller what
+fixed things so that a ten-cent loaf of bread has not only got into it
+the air-holes which is caused by the yeast, but also the air-holes which
+is caused by the lawyer's bill that the baking company paid at the time
+they issued their five-million-dollar consolidated and refunding
+four-per-cent. first-mortgage bonds, y'understand, and there's just as
+much nourishment in that kind of air-hole for a truck-driver's family of
+growing children as there is in any other kind of air-hole."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the bakers 'ain't got nothing on the farmers when it comes to
+cost bookkeeping, Mawruss," Abe said. "I was reading where the
+milk-raisers' <i>Verein</i> claims the price of feed is so high that they've
+got to sell milk at ten cents a quart wholesale, but for all them
+farmers figure that the same feed goes to fatten the cow for the market,
+Mawruss, you might suppose that there was a big institution somewheres
+up state called<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> the Ezra B. Cornell Home for Aged and Indignant Cows,
+y'understand, and that so soon as a cow gets through giving milk,
+y'understand, instead of slaughtering it the farmer takes it to the home
+in his automobile and contributes five dollars a week toward its support
+until it dies of hardening of the arteries at the age of eighty-two."</p>
+
+<p>"Take it from me, Abe," Morris said, "them farmers ain't such farmers as
+people think they are. It's going to be so, pretty soon, that people
+will be paying two dollars and a half for an orchestra seat and pretty
+near break their hearts while the poor old second-mortgage shark is
+being turned out of his little home by the farmer."</p>
+
+<p>"And on the opening night, Mawruss, the front rows will be filled with
+milk agents," Abe said, "and after the show you will see them sitting
+around Rector's and Churchill's and getting terrible noisy over a magnum
+of Sheffield Farms nineteen sixteen."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course nobody is going to be the worser for making a joke about such
+things, Abe," Morris interrupted, "but last winter when these fellers
+which gets off mommerlogs in vaudeville shows was talking about somebody
+being immensely wealthy on account his breath smelt from onions,
+y'understand, there wasn't many people raising a family on less than
+twenty-five dollars a week whose breath smelt from onions at that."</p>
+
+<p>"Did I say they did?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"And it is the same way with potatoes and fruit, not to say fish and
+poultry and all the other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> foods which Mr. Hoover says we should eat in
+order to save beef, sugar, and flour for the soldiers," Morris
+continued. "When a woman buys nowadays flounder at twenty-five cents a
+pound, she is paying ten cents for fish and fifteen cents toward the
+fish-dealer's wife's diamonds or his six-cylinder automobile, so if I
+would be Mr. Hoover, before I issued bread and meat cards to the
+consumer I would hand out automobile and diamond cards to the
+fish-dealer and the vegetable-dealer and maybe it would help to stop
+them fellers from loading their prices with what it costs 'em to keep up
+their expensive habits."</p>
+
+<p>"A fish-dealer is entitled to expensive habits the same like anybody
+else," Abe said, "which if Mr. Hoover stops him from buying his wife
+once in a while diamonds, sooner or later Mr. Hoover will stop him from
+buying his wife furs and it will work down right along the line till Mr.
+Hoover hits the garment business, Mawruss, which, while I ain't got no
+particular sympathy for a fish-dealer, y'understand, his money is just
+so good as the next one's, so I ask you, as a garment-manufacturer, what
+are you going to do about it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Let him buy Liberty Bonds."</p>
+
+<p>"But in that case, how many Liberty Bonds could the diamond merchant,
+the automobile-manufacturer, or the furrier buy?"</p>
+
+<p>"Say, looky here," Morris said, "let me alone, will you? This is
+something which is up to Mr. Hoover, not me."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I know it is," Abe concluded, "and I've got a great deal of sympathy
+for him, too, because before Mr. Hoover gets through he would not only
+make a bunch of enemies, Mawruss, but he is going to use up a whole lot
+of headache medicine, and don't you forget it."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="VII" id="VII"></a>VII</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The hopeless part of it is that there's no way of putting a nation of
+ninety million people in a lunatic asylum, even if there was an
+asylum big enough to hold them, which there ain't.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"I see where the French President is going to lose his Prime Minister
+again," Abe Potash said, "which the way that feller is always changing
+Prime Ministers, Mawruss, he must be a terrible hard man to work for."</p>
+
+<p>"Say," Morris Perlmutter replied, "I've got enough to think about
+keeping track of what happens here in this country without I should
+worry my head over political <i>Meises</i> in France."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you are the same like a whole lot of Americans," Abe said, "which
+for all they read about what is going on over in Europe the Edison
+Manufacturing Company might just so well never have invented the
+telegraph at all."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't <i>got</i> to read it with such a statesman like you around here,"
+Morris retorted, "so go ahead and tell me: what did the French Prime
+Minister done <i>now</i> that he gets fired for it?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"That only goes to show what you know from Prime Ministers!" Abe
+declared. "A Prime Minister never gets fired, Mawruss&mdash;he resigns, and
+while I admit that nine times out of ten when the French President has
+had a Prime Minister resign on him, it's probably been a case of the
+stenographer tipping the Prime Minister off that before the boss went to
+lunch he said, 'If that grafter's still here when I come back there'll
+be another Prime Minister going around on crutches,' y'understand, yet
+at the same time this here last Prime Minister has been right on the
+job, and the French President has been quite worried for fear he's going
+to quit."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, let him get along <i>without</i> a Prime Minister for a while," Morris
+said. "With the money the French people is spending for war supplies it
+won't do him no harm to cut down his pay-roll, and, besides, what does
+he want a Prime Minister for, <i>anyway</i>? Has President Wilson got a Prime
+Minister? Them people come over here a couple of months ago and cashed
+in a hard-luck story for a matter of a few hundred million dollars,
+y'understand, and like a lot of come-ons that we are, understand me, it
+never even occurred to us but what them boys was living right up close
+to the cushion."</p>
+
+<p>"How much do you think a Prime Minister draws, Mawruss&mdash;a million a
+week?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"It ain't how much he draws," Morris said. "It's the idea of the thing
+which I don't care if he only gets five dollars a day and commissions,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>
+Abe, if President Wilson would got a Prime Minister working for him
+instead of attending to the business himself, which is what President
+Wilson gets paid for, y'understand, there's many a time when the
+President has been out late at the theayter or when he is feeling under
+the weather, understand me, where he would say: 'Why should I kill
+myself slaving day in, day out, like a slave, y'understand. What have I
+got a Prime Minister for, anyway?' And that's how I bet yer the French
+President has passed over to the Prime Minister a whole lot of important
+stuff which the poor <i>nebich</i> was bound to slip up on, because, after
+all, a Prime Minister is only a Prime Minister."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe you're right," Abe admitted, "but at the same time there's some
+pretty smart Prime Ministers, too, which you take this here Prime
+Minister Lord George, over in England, and that feller practically runs
+the country. In fact, as I understand it, King George leaves the entire
+management to him, so much confidence he's got in the feller."</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps it's because this here Lord George and King George is related
+maybe," Morris suggested.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think so," Abe replied. "The names is only a quincidence, which
+even before Lord George was ever heard of at all the Prime Minister
+always run things in England while the King put in his whole time
+opening charity bazars and laying corner-stones. First and last I
+suppose that feller has laid more corner-stones than all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> the heads of
+all the fraternal orders in the United States put together, and if
+there's such a disease as grand master's thumb, like smoker's heart and
+housemaid's knee, Mawruss, I'll bet that King George has got it."</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<img src="images/illus07.jpg" alt="lord george"  />
+<a id="illus07" name="illus07"></a>
+<p class='caption'>
+ "Perhaps it's because this here Lord George and King
+George is related maybe," Morris suggested. "I don't think so," Abe
+replied. "The name is only a quincidence."</p></div>
+
+<p>"Well an English king can afford to spend his time that way," Morris
+said, "because them English Prime Ministers is really prime,
+y'understand, whereas you take the Prime Ministers which the Czar
+<i>nebich</i>, the King of Greece, and even the King of Sweden had it, and
+instead of them Prime Ministers being prime, understand me, they ranged
+all the way from sirloin to chuck, as they would say in the meat
+business."</p>
+
+<p>"Some of the English Prime Ministers wasn't so awful prime, neither,"
+Abe said. "Take the feller which was holding down the job of Prime
+Minister around July fourth, seventeen seventy-six, and the way that boy
+let half a continent slip through his fingers was enough to make King
+Schmooel the Second, or whatever the English king's name was in them
+days, swear off laying corner-stones for the rest of his life. Also the
+English Prime Minister which engineered the real-estate deal where
+Germany got ahold of the island of Heligoland wasn't what Mr. P.B.
+Armour would call first cut exactly, which, if England would now own
+Heligoland instead of Germany, Mawruss, such a serial number as U
+Fifty-three for a German submarine would never have been heard of. They
+would have stopped short at U Two or U Two B."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, anybody's liable to get stuck in a swap with vacant lots, Abe,"
+Morris said, "and the chances is the poor feller figured that with this
+here Heligoland, the only person who would have the nerve to call such
+real estate <i>real estate</i>, y'understand, would be a real-estater with a
+first-class imagination when the tide was out."</p>
+
+<p>"That's what Germany figured, too," Abe said, "and the consequence is
+she went to work and improved them vacant lots with fortifications which
+lay so low in the water, Mawruss, that from two miles out at sea no one
+would dream of such things&mdash;least of all an admiral."</p>
+
+<p>"So how could you blame a Prime Minister if he didn't suspect what
+Germany was up to when she bought that sand-bank?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course that was a long time before the war, Mawruss," Abe said.
+"Nowadays the dumbest Prime Minister knows enough to know that coming
+from a German diplomat a simple remark like, 'Good morning, ain't it an
+elegant weather we are having?' is subject to one of several
+constructions, none of which is exactly what you could call <i>kosher</i>,
+y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"And supposing he finds such a remark in a letter from a German diplomat
+to the Kaiser, Abe?" Morris asked. "What does it mean then?"</p>
+
+<p>"That depends on where it is written from," Abe said, "which if the
+Minister of Foreign Affairs down in Paraguay or Peru finds out that a
+German ambassador has written home to the effect that he is feeling
+quite well again and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> hopes this letter finds you the same,
+y'understand, the Foreign Minister hustles over to the War Department
+and wants to know if they are going to allow him to be insulted in that
+way by a dirty crook like that. On the other hand, if the chief of the
+United States Secret Service gets ahold of a letter from any one of them
+honorary German diplomats who is practically holding down the job of
+Imperial German Consul to the Bronx while drawing the salary of&mdash;we
+would say, for example&mdash;a New York Supreme Court justice, Mawruss, and
+if the letter says, 'Accept my best wishes for a prosperous and happy
+new year in which my wife joins and remain,' y'understand, that means
+the copper was shipped in pasteboard containers marked:</p>
+
+<p class='center'><b>
+PRUNES<br />
+USE NO HOOKS."</b>
+</p>
+
+<p>"The German Secret Service certainly fixes up some wonderful cipher
+codes, Abe," Morris said. "Sometimes as much as two hours and a quarter
+passes before a United States Secret Service man gets the right dope on
+one of them code letters."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But most times he don't have no more trouble
+over it than the average business man would with a baseball column,
+which the way every government secret service knows every other
+government's secret service's secrets, Mawruss, it's a wonder to me that
+they don't call the whole thing off by mutual<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> consent, because the only
+difference between government secret services is that some secret
+services is louder than others. Take, for instance, the German Secret
+Service, and there was months and months when this here Dr. Heinrich
+Albert, Captain von Papen and his boy Ed got as much newspaper publicity
+as one of them rotten shows which received such a good notice from the
+cricket of the <i>Cloak and Suit Gazette</i> that the manager thinks it may
+have a chance, y'understand. Why, there wasn't a district messenger-boy
+which couldn't direct you to number Eleven Broadway, where that secret
+service had its head offices, and I would be very much surprised if they
+didn't ship their bombs from number Eleven Broadway, to the steamboat
+docks in covered automobile delivery-wagons with signs painted on 'em:</p>
+
+<p class='center'>
+Telephone              Battery 2222<br />
+<br />
+GERMAN SECRET SERVICE<br />
+'WE LEAD&mdash;OTHERS FOLLOW'<br />
+11 Broadway<br />
+<br />
+Ask about our Special Service plan<br />
+for furnishing explosives by the month<br />
+<br />
+AT LOW RATES."
+</p>
+
+<p>"At the same time, Abe," Morris remarked, "the Germans make things
+pretty secret when they want to, otherwise how could the Kaiser have
+kept<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> that mutiny under his chest for over a couple of months?"</p>
+
+<p>"And you could take it from me, Mawruss," Abe said, "before Michaelis
+let it out in the Reichstag, he might just so well have stopped in at
+the <i>Lokal Anzeiger</i> office on his way down-town and inserted a couple
+of lines or so under the head of 'Situations Wanted Males.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, I thought you said a Prime Minister never gets fired," Morris
+said.</p>
+
+<p>"Prime Ministers is one thing and Chancellors another, Mawruss," Abe
+told him.</p>
+
+<p>"Then I imagine this here Michaelis must be putting in a lot of time
+nowadays going over his contract to see if he's got any come-back
+against the party of the first part in case that crook fires him,"
+Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, he can keep on looking till he finds another job," Abe replied,
+"because the Kaiser is like a lot of other highwaymen in the cutting-up
+trade, Mawruss. To them fellers the first and most important thing about
+a contract is the loopholes, y'understand, and after that's fixed they
+don't care what goes into it, which you take that contract of
+Michaelis's and I bet yer that a police-court lawyer could drive an
+armored tank through them paragraphs which is supposed to hold the
+Kaiser, y'understand, whereas if <i>Michaelis</i> wanted to get out of it,
+Mawruss, he could go to work and hire Messrs. Hughes, Brandeis,
+Stanchfield, Hughes &amp; Stanchfield, supposing there was <i>Gott soll huten</i>
+such a firm of lawyers, and they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> wouldn't be able to find so much as a
+comma out of place for him."</p>
+
+<p>"And as a good German, Abe, Michaelis would be awful disappointed if
+they did," Morris said, "because that's the way the Germans feel toward
+the Kaiser. He robs 'em, he murders 'em, and he starves their wives and
+children to death, just so him and his family could run the country, and
+them poor Heinies says to one another: 'That's the kind of a kaiser to
+have! A big strong man which he don't give a nickel for nobody! He's a
+wonder, all right, and if we didn't have a feller like that at the head
+of the country I don't know how we would be able to stand all the
+trouble that cutthroat and his crook family is causing us&mdash;Heaven bless
+them.'"</p>
+
+<p>"The hopeless part of it is," Abe commented, "that there's no way of
+putting a nation of ninety million people in a lunatic asylum, even if
+there was an asylum big enough to hold them, which there ain't,
+Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"And as much as you sympathize with a lunatic, you can't have him going
+around loose, Abe," Morris said, "so what are we going to do about it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, we're trying hard to shut 'em up in Germany again," Abe declared,
+"and after we've got them there, Mawruss, I am willing to stand my share
+of the expense that the war should go on long enough to give them
+lunatics a little home treatment, y'understand, and by home treatment,
+Mawruss, I mean not only treating the lunatics<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> themselves, but also
+treating their homes," Abe continued, growing red in the face at the
+thought of it, "which I only hope that I live long enough to see a
+moving picture of German homes the same like I seen moving pictures of
+French homes and Belgian homes, and if that don't sweat the Kaiser-mania
+out of their systems they are crazy for keeps."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="VIII" id="VIII"></a>VIII</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON LORDNORTHCLIFFING VERSUS COLONELHOUSING<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>While Lord Northcliff is colonelhousing over here, Colonel House is
+lordnorthcliffing over in England, and the main point about their
+being where they are is that they ain't where the people are which
+sent them there.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"Well, I see where President Wilson says that women should have the
+right to vote the same like shipping-clerks and bartenders, Mawruss,"
+Abe said, "which it's a funny thing to me the way some people claims
+they never could see that two and two make four till the war comes along
+and gives them a brand-new point of view."</p>
+
+<p>"At that, you've got to give President Wilson credit that it only took a
+war like this here European war to bring him to his senses," Morris
+Perlmutter said, "whereas with Eli U. Root, Abe, it's got to happen yet
+another war twice as big as this one, three more revolutions in
+Russland, and a couple of earthquakes <i>doch</i>; before he is even going to
+say, 'Maybe you're right, but that's my opinion and I stick <i>to</i> it.'"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"In a way, Mawruss, Eli U. Root ain't as unreasonable as he looks," Abe
+said. "He says that if the women gets the vote, y'understand, they
+would&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Listen, Abe," Morris interrupted, "I don't want to hear what this here
+Root has got to say about <i>if</i> women voted in America, y'understand,
+because over four million women does vote in America, and some of them
+has been voting for years already, and when it comes to talking about
+<i>ifs</i>, Abe, <i>if</i> Eli U. Root 'ain't noticed that four million women vote
+in this country where Eli U. Root is supposed to understand the language
+as well as speak it, understand me, what did Mr. Root notice over in
+Russland, where he neither spoke Russian nor understood it, neither?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't kid yourself, Mawruss," Abe said. "That feller knows just so good
+as you do that there's four million women voting in America; also he
+knows that the women of Colorado, where women vote, don't act no
+different from the women of Pennsylvania, where women don't vote, but
+that's an argument in favor of women voting, whereas Root is arguing
+against it."</p>
+
+<p>"That ain't an argument," Morris protested; "it's a fact."</p>
+
+<p>Abe shrugged his shoulders despairingly.</p>
+
+<p>"What does a first-class A-number-one lawyer like Root care about facts
+if they ain't in his favor?" he asked. "Also, Mawruss, if Mr. Root now
+comes out in favor of women voting, y'understand, that would be a case
+of changing his mind,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> and you know as well as I do, Mawruss, the real
+brainy fellers of the world never changes their mind."</p>
+
+<p>"Not even when the facts is against them?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"They don't pay no attention to the facts," Abe said. "You take this
+here Morris Hillkowitz or Hillquit which he is running for mayor of New
+York on the Socialistic ticket, and for years already that feller went
+around saying that it was the people which lived in the
+two-thousand-a-year apartments and owned expensive automobiles which was
+squashing the protelariat, y'understand, and now when it comes out in
+the papers that he is living in a thousand-dollar-a-year apartment and
+running an expensive automobile, Mawruss, does he turn around and say
+that it's all a mistake and that in reality it's the protelariat which
+is squashing the feller with the two-thousand-dollar-a-year apartment
+and expensive automobile? <i>Oser a St&uuml;ck!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it only goes to show that a feller can even make money by being a
+Socialist if he only sticks to it long enough," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"At that, he's probably got more sympathy mit the protelariat than he
+ever did, Mawruss, because before he owned an automobile he only
+<i>suspected</i> what them fellers was missing by being poor. Now he
+<i>knows</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"And I suppose by the time he is running for President on the
+Socialistic ticket," Morris said, "he'll be owning a steam-yacht and the
+wrongs of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> the working classes will be pretty near breaking his heart."</p>
+
+<p>"Even so, Mawruss, he won't be changing his mind, and I don't know but
+what he'll be acting wise, too," Abe said, "because when a politician
+gets a reputation for carrying a certain line of stable opinions his
+customers naturally expects that he is going to continue to carry 'em,
+and when he drops that line and lays in a stock of new stuff in the way
+of political ideas, y'understand, his customers leave him and he's got
+to build up his trade over again; and that's no way for a feller to get
+into the steam-yacht class&mdash;I don't care if he would be a politician or
+a garment-manufacturer."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, of course, if a feller's opinions is his living, you couldn't
+blame him for not changing 'em," Morris said, "<i>aber</i> this here Root is
+already retired from business, and the chances is that, the way he's got
+his money invested, it wouldn't make no difference <i>how</i> liberal-minded
+he was, the corporations would have to pay the coupons, anyway."</p>
+
+<p>"I know they would," Abe agreed, "but you take some of these Senators
+and Congressmen which they started out before we was at war with Germany
+to show an attractive line of pro-German ideas&mdash;that is to say,
+attractive to their regular customers out in Wisconsin and Saint Louis,
+understand me, and people don't figure that them poor fellers has got
+mortgages falling due on 'em next year and boys to put through college.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>
+For all people knows, Mawruss, this here McLemon which used to make a
+speciality of speeches warning Americans off of ocean steamships was
+supporting half his wife's family and widowed sister that way. The
+chances is that he sees now what a rotten line of argument that was, and
+he would like to switch over and display some snappy
+nineteen-seventeen-model speeches about the freedom of the seas for
+American sitsons, understand me, but you know yourself how it is when
+your wife has got a large family, Mawruss: if one of her sisters ain't
+having an emergency operation on you, it's a case of doing something
+quick to keep her youngest brother out of jail, and either way you are
+stuck a couple of hundred dollars, so you couldn't blame a Congressman
+who refuses to change his mind and risk losing his territory, even if
+all the rest of the country <i>is</i> calling him a regular Benedictine
+Arnold, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sooner or later some of these big <i>Machers</i> has got to change
+their minds, otherwise the war will never be over," Morris said. "The
+Kaiser has said over and over again that, once having put on her shiny
+armor, y'understand, the Fatherland would never let the sword out of its
+hand till England was finally crushed and <i>Gott mit uns</i>, and Lord
+George and Lord Northcliff has said the same thing about Germany
+excepting <i>Gott mit uns</i>. Also France in this great hour would never lay
+down the sword, and <i>we</i> would never lay down the sword. Furthermore to
+hear Austria talk, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> Kerensky, Venizelos, and the King of Rumania,
+there would be such a continuous demand for swords that it would pay
+Charles N. Schwab and this here Judge Gary to organize the Consolidated
+Sword Company or the United States Sword Corporation with a plant
+covering sixteen acres and an issue of one hundred million dollars
+preferred stock and two hundred and fifty million dollars common stock
+and let the cannon and torpedo business go."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But when the Kaiser says that Germany would
+never stop fighting till her enemies is in the dust, speaking of Germany
+as a she-Fatherland, or till its enemies is in the dust, speaking of
+Germany as an it-Fatherland, Mawruss, if you was a mind-reader, Mawruss,
+you would see 'way back in the rear of his brain one of them railroad
+time-table signs: <i>(GG) Will stop daily after January first,
+nineteen-nineteen</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"I hope you are right, Abe," Morris commented, "but I see where this
+here Lord Northcliff says that the war is really just beginning, and so
+far as I can discover that goes without foot-notes or notices that care
+is taken to have same correct, but the company will not be responsible
+for delays or for errors in the printing, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you," Abe said, "I don't know nothing about this here
+Lord Northcliff. I admit also that I don't know what his standing as a
+lord is or when he joined. In fact, I don't even know what a lord has to
+pay for initiation fees and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> annual dues, let alone what sick benefit he
+draws and what they pay to the widow in case a lord dies, understand me,
+but I don't care if this here Northcliff, instead of a lord, was an Elk
+or an Odd Fellow, y'understand, he can't tell when this war is going to
+end no more than I can."</p>
+
+<p>"But I understand this here Northcliff is an awful smart feller, Abe,"
+Morris said. "He owns already a couple dozen newspapers in the old
+country, and if he wouldn't have the right dope on this here war, I
+don't know who would."</p>
+
+<p>"Say!" Abe protested. "Nobody could get the right dope about this war
+out of any newspaper, even if he owned it, Mawruss, because you know as
+well as I do, Mawruss, if the City Edition says the Germans is starving,
+y'understand, and couldn't last through the winter, understand me, that
+ain't no guarantee that they wouldn't be getting plenty of food in the
+Home Edition and starving again in the Five-star Final Sporting Extra
+with Complete Wall Street, Mawruss, so the way I figure it is that this
+here Northcliff has got the idea that if he tells us the war is only
+beginning we are going to brace up, and if he says the chances is the
+war would last twenty years yet and that half the world would be down
+and out with starvation and sickness before it is finished up,
+y'understand, we are going to say: 'This is <i>great</i>. We must get in on
+this.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe that's the way they get results in the newspaper business, Abe,"
+Morris remarked, "but in the garment business, if I am trying to turn
+out<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> a big order, y'understand, I tell the operators that the quicker
+they get through the sooner they will be finished, y'understand, and I
+make a point of saying that they are practically on the home stretcher
+even if they are just beginning."</p>
+
+<p>"That ain't such a bad plan, neither," Abe admitted, "but there should
+ought to be some way to strike an average between your ideas for
+hurrying up and this
+you-would-be-all-right-if-blood-poisoning-don't-set-in encouragement of
+Lord Northcliff's, Mawruss, so that we wouldn't think we'd got too easy
+a job, but at the same time we wouldn't feel like throwing away the
+sponge, neither."</p>
+
+<p>"I think he means well, <i>anyhow</i>," Morris said, "which he is trying to
+tell us that we shouldn't think we've got such a cinch as all that;
+because you know it used to was before this war started, Abe. Every once
+in a while at a lodge meeting some Grand Army man, who was also, we
+would say, for example, in the pants business, would get up and make a
+speech that if this great and glorious land of ours was to be threatened
+with an invasion by any foreign king or potentate, y'understand, an army
+of a million soldiers would spring up overnight, and all his lodge
+brothers would say ain't it wonderful how an old man like that stays as
+bright as a dollar, y'understand. <i>But</i>, just let the same feller get up
+and make a speech that if the pants business was to be threatened with a
+strike by any foreign or domestic walking-delegate, understand me, an
+army of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> million pants-operators would spring up overnight,
+y'understand, and before he had a chance to sit down even them same
+lodge brothers would have rung for a Bellevue ambulance and passed
+resolutions of sympathy for his family. And yet, Abe, a learner on pants
+becomes an expert in six days, whereas it takes six months at the very
+least to train a soldier."</p>
+
+<p>"That's why Lord Northcliff is making all them discouraging speeches,"
+Abe said. "He's a business man, Mawruss, and he appreciates that we are
+up against a tough business proposition."</p>
+
+<p>"But what I don't understand is: where does Lord Northcliff come in to
+be neglecting his newspapers the way he does?" Morris said. "Is he an
+ambassador or something?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, for that matter," Abe retorted, "where does Colonel House come in
+to be neglecting the cloth-sponging business or whatever business the
+Colonel is in? It's a stand-off, Mawruss. While Lord Northcliff is
+colonelhousing over here, Colonel House is lordnorthcliffing over in
+England, and just exactly what that <i>is</i>, Mawruss, I don't know, but I
+got a strong suspicion that the main point about their being where they
+are is that they ain't where the people are which sent them there, if
+you understand what I mean."</p>
+
+<p>"And I bet they both feel flattered at that," Morris concluded.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="IX" id="IX"></a>IX</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON NATIONAL MUSIC AND NATIONAL CURRENCY<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Some people wouldn't care what they said, just so long as they could
+give the impression that they was regular sharks when it come to
+music, but what kind of impression they gave when it come to
+patriotism and common sense, such people don't give a nickel.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"It seems that this here Doctor Muck wouldn't play the national anthem,
+Mawruss, because he found it was inartistic," Abe Potash said as he
+turned to the editorial page of his daily paper.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, how did he find the national currency, Abe?" Morris Perlmutter
+inquired. "Also inartistic?"</p>
+
+<p>"He didn't say," Abe replied. "But a statement was given out by Major
+Higginson that&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Who's Major Higginson?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"He's the feller that owns the Boston Symphony Orchestra which this here
+Doctor Muck is the conductor of it," Abe replied.</p>
+
+<p>"That must be an elegant orchestra, Abe," Morris commented. "A major is
+running it and a doctor is conducting it. I suppose they've got<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> working
+for them as fiddlers a lot of attorneys and counselors at law, and the
+chances is that if a feller was to come there looking for a job
+operating a trombone on account he had had experience as a practical
+tromboner with the New York Philharmonics, y'understand, they would
+probably turn him down unless he could show a diploma from a recognized
+school of pharmacy."</p>
+
+<p>"For all I know, they might insist on having a certified public
+accountant, Mawruss," Abe said, "but he would have to be a shark on the
+trombone, anyway, because I understand this here Doctor Muck and Major
+Higginson run a high-class orchestra."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it only goes to show that you don't got to got a whole lot of
+common sense to run a high-grade orchestra, Abe," Morris retorted,
+"which if I would be a German doctor stranded in Boston, y'understand,
+and I had to <i>Gott soll huten</i> conduct an orchestra for a living, I
+would consider to myself that there ain't many Americans in or out of
+the medical profession conducting orchestras over in Germany just now
+which is refusing to play '<i>Die Wacht am Rhein</i>' or '<i>Heil im der
+Siegerkranz</i>' on artistic grounds and getting away with it. Furthermore,
+Abe, Doctor Muck should ought to figure that no matter if he was running
+the highest-grade orchestra in existence or anyhow in the state of
+Massachusetts, y'understand, and if nobody pays for a ticket to hear it,
+what <i>is</i> it? Am I right or wrong?"</p>
+
+<p>"He probably thought there was enough Amer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>icans crazy about music to
+make his orchestra pay even if he did insult them, Mawruss," Abe said,
+"because you know as well as I do, Mawruss, there was a lot of sympathy
+shown by Americans to them German singers which got fired at the
+Metropolitan Opera House for insulting Americans or being pro-German. It
+seems that one of them made up a funny song about the sinking of the
+<i>Lusitania</i>, and some of the Americans which heard him sing it said that
+the tone production was wonderful, and that such a really remarkable
+breath control, y'understand, they hadn't heard it since Adelina Patti
+in her palmiest days, and I bet yer if Doctor Muck was to take that song
+and set it to music so as the Boston Symphony Orchestra could play it
+them same people and plenty like them would say that the wood wind was
+this, the strings was that, and something about the coda and the
+obbligato, y'understand. In fact, Mawruss, they wouldn't care what they
+said, just so long as they could give the impression that they was
+regular sharks when it come to music, but what kind of impression they
+gave when it come to patriotism and common sense, such people seemingly
+don't give a nickel.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, you take this here lady singer at the Metropolitan Opera House,"
+Abe continued, "which her husband was agent for the Krupp Manufacturing
+Company, and when she got fired, y'understand, it looked like some of
+these here breath-control and tone-production experts was going to hold
+a meeting and regularly move and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> second that a copy of the said
+resolutions suitably engrossed be transmitted to her, care of Krupp
+Manufacturing Company, Twenty forty-two, four six, and eight Buelow
+Boulevard, Essen, on account she had been working for the Metropolitan
+Opera House for pretty near twenty years, which the way some of them
+singers goes on singing year after year at the Metropolitan Opera House,
+Mawruss, sometimes you couldn't tell whether the Metropolitan Opera
+House was an opera-house or a home, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"That's neither here nor there, Abe," Morris said. "There ain't no
+reason to my mind why the Metropolitan Opera House shouldn't ought to
+hire ladies whose husbands is working for American concerns or is out of
+a job, y'understand, and also it wouldn't be a bad idea to see that some
+of them barytones and bassos which was formerly sending home every week
+from two to five hundred dollars apiece to the old folks in
+Charlottenburg and Wilmersdorf, y'understand, give up their places to a
+few native-born fellers who contributed to the first and second Liberty
+Loans, understand me, and ain't supporting a relation in the world."</p>
+
+<p>"But the point which them coda and obbligato fans make is that if a
+feller like this here Captain Kreisler of the Austrian army is the best
+fiddler in existence, y'understand, it's up to us Americans to pay two
+dollars and fifty cents a throw, not including war tax, to hear him
+fiddle, and that we shouldn't ought to got no <i>Rishus</i> against him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> even
+if he would be only over here on a leave of absence dating from January
+first, nineteen fifteen, up to and including seven hundred and fifty
+thousand dollars," Abe said, "because it is claimed that the best
+fiddlers in the world and the best conductors in the world don't belong
+to any country. They are international."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe they are, Abe," Morris agreed, "but the money which they earn
+belongs to the country in which they spend it, understand me, which my
+idea is that these are war-times, and if the ordinary people is willing
+to take their wheat bread with a little potato flour in it, them
+big-league music fans should ought to be willing to take their
+fiddle-playing with a few sour notes in it, so if the best fiddler in
+the world is an Austrian who spends his money at home, y'understand,
+they should ought to be contented with the next best one, and if he is
+also an Austrian or a German let them work on right straight down the
+line till they find one who ain't, because trading with the enemy is
+trading with the enemy, whether you are trading with a German fiddler or
+a German fish-dealer, and if you are going to hand over money to Germany
+it don't make much difference if you do it in the name of art or in the
+name of fish."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you couldn't exactly feel the same way about an artist with his
+art as you could about a fish-dealer with his fish," Abe protested.</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't say you could," Morris said. "I've got every respect for this
+here Kreisler as a feller which plays something elegant on the fiddle,
+but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> at the same time he has had himself extensively advertised with
+pictures the same like King C. Gillette and William L. Douglas, and
+that's probably what made him, Abe, because it's pretty safe to say that
+if you could by any possibility induce and persuade them people which is
+hollering about art being international and Kreisler being the best
+fiddler in existence, y'understand, to go and hear Kreisler at a concert
+where under the name of Harris Fine and wearing false whiskers he was
+playing a program consisting principally of Rabinowitz's Concerto in G,
+Opus number Two fifty-six B, y'understand, they would come away saying
+it was awful rotten even for an amateur and that you should ought to
+hear Kreisler play Rabinowitz's Concerto in G, Opus number Two fifty-six
+B, and then you would know how that feller Harris Fine murdered it. So
+that's why I say, Abe, that advertised art comes under the head of
+merchandise, and I ain't so sure that the artist who advertises ain't
+just as much of a business man as we would say, for example, a
+fish-dealer."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, there's one thing about this here trouble with the Boston
+Symphony Orchestra, Mawruss," Abe said: "it has put Boston on the map
+for a few days, which the way New York people is acting about electing a
+mayor in New York City, y'understand, you would think that New York,
+England, France, and Italy was fighting Germany and Austria, and that if
+the mayor of New York said so, the war would go on or stop, as the case
+might be, and otherwise not."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"You couldn't blame New York at that," Morris said. "People out in
+Seattle which has never been no nearer New York as Fall City, Wash., or
+Snoqualmie, goes round singing 'Take Me Back to New York Town' <i>oder</i>
+'Give My Regards to Broadway,' and young ladies living in Saint Louis,
+which is a good-sized city, y'understand, reads in a magazine printed in
+Chicago&mdash;<i>also</i> a good-sized city&mdash;story after story which has got to do
+with a wealthy New York clubman, or a poor New York working-girl, or a
+beautiful New York actress, while the advertising section has got
+pictures by the hundreds of automobiles, ready-made clothing, vacuum
+cleaners, beds and bedding, health underwear, and cash-registers, and
+all of them are fixed up with the Grand Central Depot across the street
+or the Public Library showing through a window or, anyhow, the Flatiron
+Building and Madison Square Garden not half a column away, y'understand.
+Also there is a New York store in every village and a New York letter in
+every newspaper, and one way or another you would think that the whole
+United States was trying to prove to New York that it was as important
+as New York has for a long time already suspected."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, ain't it?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"It couldn't be," Morris replied. "Take, for instance, this here
+election for mayor, and the way the New York papers talked about it you
+would think the Kaiser says to Hindenberg: 'Listen, Max, don't ship no
+more soldiers no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>wheres till we hear how things are breaking for
+Hillkowitz in New York,' or maybe he said Mitchel or Hylan&mdash;you couldn't
+tell, and Hindenberg says, 'But I understand Mitchel is pretty strong up
+in the Twenty-third Assembly District in certain parts of the Bronix, so
+I think, Chief, it might be a good idea to have a couple of dozen
+divisions of artillery sent to Dvinsk and Riga.' But the Kaiser says:
+'Now do as I tell you, Max. I got a wireless from Mexico that Hillkowitz
+will carry three hundred and nine out of four hundred and thirteen
+election districts in the Borough of Richmond alone.' And Hindenberg
+says: 'Where did they get <i>that</i> dope? I tell you they don't know
+nothing but Hylan down on Staten Island, and if you take <i>my</i> advice,
+Chief, you'll 'phone Ludendorff to hold the Siegfried line, the
+Lohengrin line, the Trovatore line, the Travvyayter line, the Bohemian
+Girl line, and all the other lines from A&iuml;da to Zampa, because in my
+opinion Mitchel has a walk-over.'"</p>
+
+<p>"That's where they both made a mistake," Abe commented, "because it was
+a landslide for Hylan."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Yow</i> they was mistaken," Morris said. "Do you suppose for one moment
+that the Kaiser had got so much as an inkling that they were going to
+elect a mayor in New York? <i>Oser!</i> And with this here Hindenberg, you
+could tell from the feller's face that for all he understands about the
+English language, Abe, the word <i>mayor</i> don't exist at all. As for the
+way they choose a mayor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> in America, that <i>grobe Kerl</i> couldn't tell you
+whether they <i>elect</i> a mayor, <i>appoint</i> a mayor, or <i>cut</i> for a
+mayor&mdash;aces low. And that's the way it goes in New York, Abe. They think
+that the whole of Europe is watching with palpitations of the heart to
+see who is going to be elected mayor of New York, and they never stop to
+figure that there ain't six persons out of the six millions in New York
+which could tell you the name of the mayor of London, Paris, Berlin,
+Vienna, St. Petersburg, or, for that matter, Yonkers or Jersey City."</p>
+
+<p>"From the mayor which they finally chose in New York, Mawruss," Abe
+commented, "a feller needn't got to be so terribly ignorant as all that
+to suppose that not only did the people of New York, instead of voting
+for mayor, <i>cut</i> for him, aces low, y'understand, but that they also
+turned up the ace."</p>
+
+<p>"They turned up what they wanted to turn up, Abe," Morris said, "which
+the way the people of New York City elects Tammany Hall every few years,
+Abe, it makes you think that everybody should have a vote, except
+convicts, idiots, minors, Indians not taxed, and people that live in New
+York City."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="X" id="X"></a>X</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON REVOLUTIONIZING THE REVOLUTION BUSINESS<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>If Kerensky would have had experience as a traveling salesman it
+wouldn't hurt him to be spending his entire time commuting between
+Moscow and Petersburg.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"What they want to do in Russland," Abe Potash declared, one morning in
+November, "is to have one last revolution, and stick <i>to</i> it."</p>
+
+<p>"It ain't Russia which is having them revolutions," Morris Perlmutter
+observed. "It's the Russian revolutionists. Them boys have been standing
+around doing nothing for years, Abe, in fact ever since nineteen five,
+and now that they got a job they figure that why should they finish it
+up, because revolutionists' work is piece-work, and just so soon as a
+revolution is over, as a general thing, the revolutionists gets laid
+off&mdash;up against a wall at sunrise."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, them boys is certainly nursing their job this time, Mawruss," Abe
+continued. "The way them fellers is acting up over there it wouldn't
+surprise me a bit if most of the Russian merchants<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> would move to
+Mexico, so as they could carry on their business in peace and quietness,
+y'understand. What the idea of all these here revolutions is I don't
+know. They've got the Czar living in a cold-water walk-up, and you could
+go the length and breadth of Russia with a ballet-dancer as a decoy
+without running across so much as one grand duke peeking through the
+window-blinds, y'understand. So what more do them Russians want?"</p>
+
+<p>"For one thing," Morris explained, "the peasants insists that all the
+land in Russland should be divided up between them."</p>
+
+<p>"What for?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"They probably see a chance to get a little real estate free of charge,"
+Morris replied.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Aber</i> what good would that do them?" Abe said. "Because in a country
+where revolutions is liable to happen every day in the week except
+Saturdays from nine to twelve-thirty, y'understand, there ain't much
+market for real estate, and, besides, Mawruss, if them poor peasants
+only knew what a dawg's life it is in the real-estate business,
+understand me, even when times is good, they would of got such
+<i>Rachmonos</i> for the Czar with his twenty-two million five hundred and
+forty-three thousand two hundred and twenty-nine versts of unimproved
+property, that instead of getting up a revolution, they would of got up
+a meeting and passed resolutions of sympathy."</p>
+
+<p>"The chances is they would of done it, anyway, if it wouldn't been for
+this here Kerensky," Mor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>ris declared. "What that feller don't know
+about running a revolution, Abe, if Carranza, Villa, and Huerta would
+have known it, they would have had two years ago already a chain of
+five-and-ten-cent revolutions doing a good business all the way from the
+Rio Grande to Cape Horn. Yes, Abe, compared with a boss revolutionist
+like Kerensky, y'understand, these here Mexican revolutionists is just,
+so to speak, <i>learners</i> on revolutionists."</p>
+
+<p>"Then if that's the case, Mawruss, how does it come that one after
+another, Korniloff, Lenine, and Trotzky, practically puts this here
+Kerensky out of business as a revolutionist?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you," Morris said. "A feller which is running a
+revolution in Russland has not only got to got nerve, y'understand, but
+he's also got to be able to stand very long hours. Also it is necessary
+for him to do a whole lot of traveling, because no sooner does such a
+feller set up his government in Petersburg, y'understand, than the
+Petersburg Local Number One of the Amalgamated Workingmen's and
+Soldiers' Union is liable to chase him and his government all the way to
+Moscow, y'understand, and hardly does he get busy in Moscow, understand
+me, than he gets in bad with the Moscow Local Number One of the same
+union, and so on vice versa. In fact, in a couple of weeks he's liable
+to be vice-versad that way a half a dozen times, which if Kerensky would
+have had experience as a traveling salesman, Abe, it wouldn't hurt him
+to be practically<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> spending his entire time commuting between Moscow and
+Petersburg, but before this here Kerensky became a revolutionist he used
+to was in the law business, and besides he enjoys very poor health and
+is liable to die any moment."</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter with him?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"I understand he's got kidney trouble," Morris replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if that feller would get an opportunity to die of kidney trouble,
+Mawruss, he should ought to take advantage of it," Abe commented,
+"because if you was to look up in the files of the Petersburg Department
+of Health what is the figures on the cause of death in the case of
+revolutionists, Mawruss, you would probably find something like this:</p>
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="table" width='600'>
+<tr><td align='left'>Explosions</td><td align='left'>91.31416%</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Gun-shot wounds, including revolvers, air-rifles, machine-guns, cannons, armored tanks, torpedoes, and unclassified</td><td align='left'>8.99999</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Knife wounds, including razors, cold chisels, pickaxes, and cloth and grass cutting apparatus</td><td align='left'>0.563</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Natural causes, including hardening of the arteries</td><td align='left'>a trace."</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<p>"What do you mean&mdash;natural causes?" Morris said. "When a revolutionist
+dies a natural death, it's a pure accident."</p>
+
+<p>"Did I say it wasn't?" Abe said. "But at the same time some Russian
+revolutionists lives longer than others, because being a Russian
+revolutionist<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> is more or less a matter of training. Take this here
+feller which is now conducting the Russian revolution under the name of
+Trotzky, and used to was conducting a New York trolley-car under the
+name of Braunstein, y'understand, and when the time comes&mdash;which it
+<i>will</i> come&mdash;when his offices will be surrounded by a mob of a hundred
+thousand Russian working-men and soldiers, understand me, all that this
+here Trotzky <i>alias</i> Braunstein will do is to shout '<i>Fares, please</i>,'
+and he'll go through that crowd of working-men like a&mdash;well, like a New
+York trolley-car conductor going through a crowd of working-men."</p>
+
+<p>"From what is happening in Mexico and Russia," Morris observed, "it
+seems that when a country gets a revolution on its hands it's like a
+feller with a boil on his neck. He's going to keep on having them until
+he gets 'em entirely out of his system."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Russia has had such an awful siege of them," Abe said, "that you
+would think she was immune by this time."</p>
+
+<p>"It's the freedom breaking out on her," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"It seems, however," said Abe, "that in Russia there are as many kinds
+of freedom as there are fellers that want a job running a revolution.
+There was the Kerensky brand of freedom which was quite popular for a
+while; then Korniloff tried to market another brand of freedom and made
+a failure of it, and now Trotzky and Lenine are putting out the T. and
+L. Brand of Self-rising<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> Freedom in red packages, and seem to be doing
+quite a good business, too."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure I know," Morris agreed. "But you would think that freedom was
+freedom and that there could be no arguments about it, so why the devil
+do them poor Russian working-men go on fighting each other, Abe?"</p>
+
+<p>"They want an immediate peace with Germany," Abe said, "and the way it
+looks now, they would still be fighting each other for an immediate
+peace with Germany ten years after the war is over, because if them
+Russian working-men was to get an immediate peace <i>immediately</i>,
+Mawruss, they would have to go to work again, and you know as well as I
+do, Mawruss, the very last thing that a Russian working-man thinks of,
+y'understand, is working."</p>
+
+<p>"Well in a way, you couldn't blame the Russians for what is going on in
+Russland, Abe," Morris said. "For years already the Socialists has been
+telling them poor <i>Nebiches</i> what a rotten time the working-men had
+<i>before</i> the social revolution, y'understand, and what a good time the
+working-man is going to have <i>after</i> the social revolution, understand
+me, but what kind of a time the working-man would have <i>during</i> the
+social revolution, <span class="smcap">THAT</span> the Socialists left for them poor
+Russians to find out for themselves, and when those working-men who come
+through it alive begin to figure the profit and loss on the transaction,
+Abe, the whole past life of one of those Socialist leaders is going to
+flash before his eyes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> just before the drop falls, y'understand, and one
+of his pleasantest recollections&mdash;if you can call recollections pleasant
+on such an occasion&mdash;will be the happy days he spent knocking down fares
+on the Third and Amsterdam Avenue cars."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I take it you 'ain't got a whole lot of sympathy for the
+Socialists, Mawruss," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"Not since when I was a greenhorn I used to work at buttonhole-making,
+and I heard a Socialist feller on East Houston Street hollering that
+under a socialistic system the laborer would get the whole fruits of his
+labor," Morris said. "Pretty near all that night I lay awake figuring to
+myself that if I could make twelve buttonholes every ten minutes, which
+would be seventy-two buttonholes an hour or seven hundred and twenty
+buttonholes a day, Abe, how many buttonholes would I have in a year
+under a socialistic system, and after I had them, what would I do with
+them? The consequence was, I overslept myself and came down late to the
+shop next morning, and it was more than two days before I found another
+job."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that ain't much of an argument against socialism," Abe remarked.</p>
+
+<p>"Not to most people it wouldn't be, but it was an awful good argument to
+me, and I really think it saved me from becoming a Socialist," Morris
+said.</p>
+
+<p>"You a Socialist!" Abe exclaimed. "How could a feller like you become a
+Socialist? I belong to the same lodge with you now for ten years, and in
+all that time you've never had nerve<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> enough to get up and say even so
+much as '<i>I second the motion</i>.'"</p>
+
+<p>"But there are two classes of Socialists, Abe&mdash;talkers and the
+listeners, and while I admit the talkers are in the big majority, the
+work of the listeners is just so important. They are the fellers which
+try out the ideas of the talkers, the only difference being that while
+such talkers as Herr Liebknecht and Rosa Luxembourg gets a lot of
+publicity out of going to jail for handing out socialistic ideas,
+y'understand, the funerals which the listeners get for trying such ideas
+out are very, very private."</p>
+
+<p>"At that, them talking Socialists which is taking shifts with each other
+in running the Russian government must be putting in a pretty busy time,
+Mawruss, because there's a whole lot of detail to such a job, and while
+past experience as a street-car conductor may give the necessary
+endurance, it don't help out much when it comes to systematizing the
+day's work of a Russian dictator. For instance, we would say that he
+goes into office at nine o'clock with the help of the One Hundred and
+First Kazan Regiment, six companies of Cossacks, and the Tenth Poltava
+Separate Company of Machine-Gunners. After making a socialistic address
+to the survivors he washes off the blood and puts on a clean collar, or,
+in the case of a Bolsheviki dictator, he only washes off the blood.</p>
+
+<p>"The next thing on the program is to ring up a few flag and bunting
+concerns and ask for representatives to call about taking an order for a
+few<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> national flags. They arrive half an hour later, and after making a
+socialistic address, y'understand, he picks out a design for immediate
+delivery, because even a few hours' delay will make a design for a
+Russian national flag as big a sticker as a nineteen-ten-model runabout.</p>
+
+<p>"When he's got the flag off his mind he next interviews the Russian
+composers, Glazounow, Borodine, Arensky, and Scriabine, and after making
+a socialistic address he invites them they should submit a new national
+anthem, the only requirements being that it should contain a reference
+to the fact that under the old competitive system the working-man did
+not receive the whole fruits of his labor, and that delivery should be
+made not later than twelve-thirty <span class="smcap">P.M.</span> He then goes over to the
+mint to decide upon models for a new gold coinage and to confiscate as
+much of the old one as they have on hand. After making a socialistic
+address to the director of the mint and his staff, y'understand, he
+agrees that the old, clean-shaven Kerensky designs shall be altered by
+adding whiskers, because you know as well as I do, Mawruss, when it
+comes to the portrait on a gold coin, nobody is going to take it so
+particular about the likeness not being so good as long as it ain't
+plugged.</p>
+
+<p>"He then goes back to his office and prepares a socialistic address to
+be delivered to the duma, a socialistic address to be delivered to the
+army, and three or four more socialistic addresses with the names in
+blank for use in case of emergency,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> Abe continued, "and so one way or
+another he is kept busy right up to the time when word comes that his
+successor has just left Tsarskoe-Seloe with the Thirty-second
+Nijni-Novgorod Infantry and a regiment composed of contingents from the
+Ladies' Aid Society of the First Universalist Church of Minsk, Daughters
+of the Revolution of Nineteen five, the Y.W.H.A., and the Women's City
+Club of Odessa. Twenty minutes later he is on board a boat bound for
+Sweden, and after looking up the <i>Ganeves</i> in his state-room he comes up
+on deck and spends the rest of the trip making socialistic addresses to
+the crew, the passengers, and the cargo."</p>
+
+<p>"Having to go and live in Sweden ain't such a pleasant fate, neither,"
+Morris observed.</p>
+
+<p>"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "There's only one thing that a Russian
+revolutionary dictator really and truly worries about."</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"Losing his voice," Abe said.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XI" id="XI"></a>XI</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE SUGAR QUESTION<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>One lump, or two, please?</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"Ain't it terrible the way you couldn't buy no sugar in New York,
+nowadays, Mawruss?" Abe Potash said, one morning in November.</p>
+
+<p>"Let the people <i>not</i> eat sugar," Morris Perlmutter declared. "These are
+war-times, Abe."</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose they are war-times," Abe retorted, "must everybody act like
+they had diabetes? Sugar is just so much a food as butter and milk and
+<i>gefullte Rinderbrust</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"I know it is," Morris agreed, "but most people eat it because it's
+sweet, and they like it."</p>
+
+<p>"Then it's your idea that on account of the war people should eat only
+them foods which they don't like?" Abe inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"That ain't <i>my</i> idea, Abe," Morris protested; "I got it from reading
+letters to the editors written by Pro Bono Publicos and other fellers
+which is taking advantage of the only opportunity they will ever have to
+figure in the newspapers outside of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> births, marriages, and deaths,
+y'understand. Them fellers all insist that until the war is over
+everything in the way of sweetening should be left out of American life,
+and some of 'em even go so far as to claim that we should ought to swear
+off pepper and salt also. Their idea is that until we lick the Germans
+the American people should leave off going to the theayter, riding in
+automobiles, playing golluf, baseball, and auction pinochle, and reading
+magazines and story-books, y'understand. In fact, they say that the
+American people should devote themselves to their business, but what
+business the fellers which is in the show business, the automobile
+business, and the magazine-publishing business should devote themselves
+to don't seem to of occurred to these here Pro Bono Publicos at all."</p>
+
+<p>"I guess them newspaper-letter writers which is trying to beat out their
+own funeral notices must of got their dope from this here Frank J.
+Vanderlip," Abe commented, "which I read it somewheres that he comes out
+with a brogan that a dollar spent for unnecessary things is an
+unpatriotic dollar."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Morris said, "but he left it to the spender's judgment
+as to what was necessary and what was unnecessary, Abe, which even
+President Wilson himself finds it necessary once in a while to go to a
+theayter in order to forget the way them Pro Bono Publicos is nagging at
+him, morning, noon, and night."</p>
+
+<p>"But the country must got to get very busy if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> we expect to win,
+Mawruss," Abe said, "and them Pro Bonos thinks it's up to them to make
+the people realize what a serious proposition we've got on our hands."</p>
+
+<p>"That's all right, too," Morris agreed, "but it would be a whole lot
+more serious if the people become <i>Meshuggah</i> from melancholia before we
+got half-way through with the war. Even when times is prosperous only a
+very few of the <i>Leute</i> takes more amusement than is necessary for 'em,
+Abe, and that's why I say that this here Frank J. Vanderlip knew what he
+was talking about when he didn't say what things was unnecessary. For
+instance, Abe, if a Pro Bono Publico, on account of the war, cuts out
+taking a summer vacation for a couple of hundred dollars, and in
+consequence gets a breakdown from overwork and has to spend five hundred
+dollars for doctor bills, all you've got to do is to strike a balance
+and you can see for yourself that he has spent three hundred unnecessary
+unpatriotic dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, doctors has got to have money to buy Liberty Bonds with the same
+like anybody else, Mawruss," Abe commented.</p>
+
+<p>"I know they have," Morris agreed, "and that's why I say the great
+mistake which these here Pro Bonos makes is that the war is going to be
+fought only with the money which is saved, whereas if them boys had any
+experience collecting for an orphan asylum or a hospital, Abe, they
+would know that it ain't the tight-wads which come across. Yes, Abe, you
+could take it from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> me, the very people which is cutting out theayters,
+automobile rides, and auction pinochle for the duration of the war would
+think twice before they invest the money they save that way in anything
+which don't bear interest at the rate of six per cent. per annum."</p>
+
+<p>"You may be right, Mawruss," Abe said, "but arguments about how to
+finance the war is like double-faced twelve-inch phonograph records.
+There's a good deal to be said on both sides, which it looks like a dead
+open-and-shut proposition to me that people couldn't buy no Liberty
+Bonds with the money they spend for theayter tickets."</p>
+
+<p>"But the feller which runs the theayter could, and he must also got to
+pay the government a tax on the money which he gets that way," Morris
+retorted.</p>
+
+<p>"But how about the money which the theayter-owner must got to pay in
+wages to actors, play-writers, ushers, and the <i>Rosher</i> which sells
+tickets in the box-office?" Abe argued.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, how are all them loafers going to buy Liberty Bonds if they
+wouldn't get their money that way?" Morris asked. "So you see how it is,
+Abe: the feller which saves all his money for the duration of the war
+ain't such a big <i>Tzaddik</i> as you would think, because even if he
+invests the whole thing in Liberty Bonds, which he ain't likely to do,
+all he gets for his money is Liberty Bonds, and at the same time he is
+helping to ruin a lot of business men and throw their employees out of
+their jobs, and incidentally he is also doing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> the best he knows how to
+make the whole country sick and tired of the war. <i>Aber</i> you take one of
+them fellers which goes once in a while to the theayter for the duration
+of the war, y'understand, and indirectly he is handing the government
+just so much money as the tight-wad, the only difference being that the
+government ain't paying him no interest on it, and he is also helping to
+keep the show business going and to pay the wages of the actors and all
+them other low-lives which makes a living out of the show business."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But how is the government going to get men
+for the ammunition-factories if they are busy making automobiles for
+joy-riding <i>oder</i> fooling away their time as actors, Mawruss?"</p>
+
+<p>"That is up to the government and not to the Pro Bono Publicos," Morris
+declared, "which if the theayters has got to be closed, Abe, I would a
+whole lot sooner have it done by the government as by a bunch of Pro
+Bono Publicos, which not only never goes to the theayter <i>anyway</i>, but
+also gets more pleasure from seeing their foolishness printed in the
+newspaper than you or I would from seeing the Follies of nineteen
+seventeen to nineteen fifty inclusive."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss," Abe said, "admitting that all which you
+say is true, y'understand, I seen a whole lot of fellers which is
+working as actors during the past few years, Mawruss, and with the
+exception of six, may be, it would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> <i>oser</i> do the show business any harm
+<i>if</i> them fellers was to become operators on pants, let alone
+ammunition. It's the same way with the automobile business also. If
+seventy-five per cent. of the people which runs automobiles was
+compelled to give them up to-morrow, Mawruss, the thing they would miss
+most of all would be the bills from the repair-shop robbers. So that's
+the way it goes, Mawruss. It don't make no difference what a Pro Bono
+Publico writes to the newspaper, y'understand, he couldn't do a
+hundredth part as much to make people cut out going to the theayter for
+the duration of the war as the feller in the show business does when he
+puts on a rotten show. Also Mr. Vanderlip has got a good line of talk
+about Americans acting economical, y'understand, but he's practically
+encouraging the people that they should throw away their money left and
+right on automobiles, compared to some of them automobile-manufacturers
+which depends upon their repair departments for their profits."</p>
+
+<p>"I understand that right now, Abe, the automobile business is falling
+off something terrible," Morris continued, "and the show business also."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure it is," Abe said, "because so soon as the government put taxes on
+theayter tickets and automobiles, Mawruss, the people was bound to
+figure it out that it was bad enough they should got to pay taxes on
+their assets without being soaked ten per cent. on their liabilities
+also. And if I would be a Pro Bono Publico which, <i>Gott sei dank</i>, I
+couldn't write good enough English to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> break into the newspapers,
+Mawruss, the argument I would make is that people should leave off being
+suckers for the duration of the war, and the whole matter of spending
+money foolishly on theayter tickets and automobiles would adjust itself
+without any assistance from the government, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, everything else failing, them automobile-dealers and
+theayter-owners could get up a war bazaar for themselves," Morris
+suggested, "which I seen it the other day in the papers where they run
+off a war bazaar in New York and raised over seventy thousand dollars
+for some fellers in the advertising business."</p>
+
+<p>"Has the advertising business also been affected by the war?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"The business of <i>some</i> advertising agents has," replied Morris, "which
+it seems that the standard rates for advertising agents who solicited
+advertisements for war-bazaar programs was any sum realized by the
+bazaar over and above one-tenth of one per cent. of the net proceeds,
+which the advertising men agreed should be devoted to wounded American
+soldiers or starving Belgiums, according to the name of the bazaar."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe them advertising agents earned their money at that, Mawruss," Abe
+said, "which the average advertising solicitor would need to do a whole
+lot of talking before he could convince me that an advertisement in a
+war-bazaar program has got any draught to speak about, because you take
+a feller in the pants business, y'understand,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> and if he would get an
+order for one-twelfth dozen pants out of all the advertisements which he
+would stick in war-bazaar programs from the beginning of the war up to
+the time when running a war bazaar first offense is going to be the
+equivalence of not less than from five to ten years, understand me, it
+would be big already."</p>
+
+<p>"At the same time," Morris protested, "if people is foolish enough to
+blow in their money advertising by war-bazaar programs, Abe, it don't
+seem unreasonable to me that the advertising agents and the starving
+Belgiums should go fifty-fifty on the proceeds, and the way it looks
+now, Abe, the New York grand jury is going to agree with me after they
+get through investigating the bills for advertising in connection with
+the army and navy bazaars."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But why should the grand jury investigate
+only the advertising? Why don't a grand-juryman for once in his life do
+a little something to earn his salary and investigate what becomes of
+the articles which young ladies sells chances on at war bazaars? It
+would also be a slight satisfaction for them easy marks which
+contributes merchandise to a war bazaar if the grand jury could send out
+tracers after the goods which remained in stock when the bazaar was
+officially declared closed by the parties named in the indictment."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you think&mdash;a New York grand jury has got nothing else to
+investigate for the rest of the twentieth century except one war
+bazaar?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> Morris inquired. "The way you talk you would think that they
+had nothing better to do with their time than the people which goes to
+war bazaars, which the reason why them advertising men went wrong was
+that they were practically encouraged to run crooked war bazaars by the
+hundreds of thousands of people who wouldn't loosen up for charity
+unless they could get something for their money besides the good they
+are doing."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that only goes to show how one minute you argue one way, and the
+next you say something entirely different again," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"Is that so?" Morris exclaimed. "Well, so far as I could see, Abe, you
+ain't on a strict diet, neither, when it comes to eating your own
+words."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe I ain't," Abe admitted, "but it seems to me that people might
+just so well pass on their money to the Red Cross through war bazaars as
+pass it on to the government through buying theayter tickets the way you
+argued a few minutes since."</p>
+
+<p>"The Red Cross is one thing and the government another," Morris
+retorted. "If people spend money at a war bazaar maybe one per cent. of
+it reaches the Red Cross and maybe it don't, whereas if they spend at a
+theayter, the government gets ten per cent. net, and the transaction
+'ain't got to be audited by the grand jury, neither."</p>
+
+<p>"Then you ain't in favor that people should give their money to the Red
+Cross?" Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Gott soll huten!</i>" Morris cried. "People should give all they could to
+the Red Cross and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> government also, but while they are doing it,
+Abe, it ain't no more necessary that they should encourage a crooked
+advertising agent as that they should ruin a hard-working feller in the
+show business. Am I right or wrong?"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XII" id="XII"></a>XII</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS HOW TO PUT THE SPURT IN THE EXPERT<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p>"When does the Shipping Commission expect to begin shipments on those
+ships?" Abe Potash asked, as he laid down the morning paper a few days
+after Thanksgiving.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know," Morris Perlmutter replied. "The way the newspapers was
+talking last April, Abe, it looked like by the first of September our
+production would be so far ahead of our orders for ships that President
+Wilson would have to organize a special department to handle the
+cancellations, y'understand, but from what I could see now, Abe, by next
+spring the nearest them Shipping Commission fellers will have come to
+deliveries on ships is that this here Hurley will be getting writer's
+cramp from signing letters to the attorneys for the people which ordered
+ships that in reply to your favor of the tenth inst. would say that we
+expect to ship the ships not later than July first at the latest, and
+oblige."</p>
+
+<p>"But I thought that even before we went to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> war with Germany, Mawruss, a
+couple of inventors made it an invention of a ship which could be built
+of yellow pine in ninety days net."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But the Shipping Commission couldn't make
+up their minds whether them yellow-pine ships would be any good even
+after they <i>were</i> built, on account some professional experts claimed
+that yellow pine shrinks in water to the extent of .00031416 milliegrams
+to the kilowatt-hour, or .000000001 per cent., and other professional
+experts said, '<i>Yow</i> .00031416 milliegrams!' and that .00000031416 would
+be big already, and that also what them first experts didn't know from
+the shrinkage of yellow pine, understand me."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, why didn't the Shipping Commission build a sample ship from
+yellow pine?" Abe suggested. "It's already nine months since the war
+started, and by this time such a ship could have been in the water long
+enough for them Shipping Commission fellers to judge which experts was
+right."</p>
+
+<p>"And suppose she did shrink a little," Morris said, "she could have been
+anyhow disposed of '<i>as is</i>' to somebody who didn't take it so
+particular to the fraction of an inch how much yellow pine he gets in a
+yellow-pine ship."</p>
+
+<p>"I give you right, Mawruss," Abe agreed, "but then, you see, an idee
+like that would never occur to a professional expert, Mawruss, because
+it has the one big objection that it might prove the other experts was
+right when they didn't agree with him,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> which that is the trouble with
+professional experts. The important thing to them ain't so much the
+articles on which they experts, as what big experts they are on such
+articles.</p>
+
+<p>"Take this here Lewis machine-gun, Mawruss," Abe continued, "and when
+Colonel Lewis puts it up to the army experts, y'understand, naturally
+them experts says, 'Well, if we are such big experts on machine-guns, we
+should ought to know a whole lot more about machine-guns as Colonel
+Lewis, and what does that <i>Schlemiel</i> know about machine-guns,
+<i>anyway</i>?' so they sent Colonel Lewis a notice that they would not be
+responsible for goods left over thirty days, and the consequence was
+Colonel Lewis sold his machine-gun to the English army."</p>
+
+<p>"And he didn't have to be such a cracker-jack high-grade A-number-one
+salesman to do that, neither," Morris commented, "because if his only
+talking point to the English experts was that the American experts had
+turned down his gun, y'understand, the English experts would give him a
+big order without even asking him to unpack his samples."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But if Colonel Lewis would of had the
+interests of America at heart, Mawruss, he should ought to have offered
+his machine-gun to the English experts first, understand me, and after
+he had got out of the observation ward, which the English experts would
+just naturally send him to as a dangerous American crank with a foolish
+idea for a machine-gun,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> y'understand, the American experts would have
+taken his entire output at his own terms."</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<img src="images/illus08.jpg" alt="machine guns"  />
+<a id="illus08" name="illus08"></a>
+<p class='caption'>
+ "'Well, if we are such big experts on machine-guns, we
+should ought to know a whole lot more about machine-guns as Colonel
+Lewis, and what does that <i>Schlemiel</i> know about machine-guns,
+<i>anyway</i>?'"</p></div>
+
+<p>"After all, you can't kick about such mistakes being made, because
+that's the trouble about being a new beginner in any business," Morris
+said. "It don't make no difference whether it would be war or pants,
+Abe, you start out with one big liability, and that is the advice
+proposition. Twice as many new beginners goes under from accepting what
+they thought was good advice as from accepting what they thought was
+good accounts, Abe, and them fellers on the Shipping Commission deserves
+a great deal of credit that they already made such fine progress. You
+can just imagine what this here Hurley which he used to was in the
+railroad business must be up against from his friends which has been in
+the ship-building business for years already. The chance is that every
+time Mr. Hurley goes out on the street one of them old ship-building
+friends comes up to him with that good-advice expression on his face and
+says: '<i>Nu</i>, Hurley. How are they coming?' which it don't make a bit of
+difference to such a feller whether Mr. Hurley would say, '<i>So, so</i>,'
+'<i>Pretty good</i>,' or '<i>Rotten</i>,' y'understand, he might just as well save
+his breath, on account the good-advice feller is going to get it off his
+chest, anyhow.</p>
+
+<p>"'You're lucky at that,' the good-advice feller says, 'because I just
+met your assistant designer, Jake Rashkin, and he tells me you are
+getting out a line of whalebacks in pastel shades.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Well, why not?' Hurley says.</p>
+
+<p>"'Why not!' the friend exclaims. 'You mean to tell me that you don't
+know even that much about the ship-building business, that you would
+actually go to work and make up for the fall trade a line of whalebacks
+in pastel shades? Honestly, Hurley, I must say I am surprised at you.'
+And for the next twenty minutes he gives Hurley the names and dates of
+six voluntary bankrupts, all of whom started in the ship-building
+business by making up a line of whalebacks in pastel shades, together
+with the details of just what them fellers is doing for a living to-day
+from selling cigars on commission downwards.</p>
+
+<p>"Naturally, Hurley hustles right back to the shop and tells the foreman
+that if they 'ain't already started on that last batch of whalebacks in
+pastel shades, not to mind, and he spends the rest of the afternoon
+getting his operators busy on a couple of hundred oil-burning boats in
+solid colors, like reds, greens, and blues. The consequence is that the
+next day at lunch another old friend comes up to him, which used to was
+in the ship-building business when the record from New York to Liverpool
+was nineteen days ten hours and forty-five minutes, y'understand, and
+says: '<i>Nu</i>, Hurley. How is the busy little ship-builder to-day?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Pretty good,' Hurley says. 'I'm just getting to work on a big line of
+oil-burners in solid colors, like reds, greens, and blues.'</p>
+
+<p>"'No!' the old ship-builder says.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Sure!' Hurley tells him, and after they have said 'No!' and 'Sure!' a
+couple of dozen times it appears that if a new beginner in the
+ship-building business lays in a stock of plain-colored oil-burning
+boats he might just so well kiss himself good-by with his ship-building
+business and be done with it. Also it seems that the only line of goods
+for a new beginner in the ship-building business to specialize in is
+whalebacks in pastel shades, Abe, and that's the way it goes."</p>
+
+<p>"At that we're a whole lot better off as England was when she started in
+as a new beginner in the war business," Abe commented. "Mr. Hurley was,
+anyhow, in the railroad business when he took over the ship-building
+job, and we've got other men which were high-grade dry-goods and
+hardware men before they threw up their business to help the government
+branch out into the war business, y'understand, but if we would got to
+depend on somebody who was trying to run a shipyard with the experience
+he had got from being national lawn-tennis champion for the years
+nineteen hundred to nineteen sixteen inclusive, or if President Wilson
+had the idee that for a man to be the right man in the right place,
+y'understand, he should ought to have the gumption and business ability
+which a feller naturally picks up in the course of being an earl or a
+duke, understand me, the best we could hope for would be a fleet of six
+rebuilt tugboats by the fall of nineteen fifty."</p>
+
+<p>"It wasn't England's fault that she made such<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> a mistake, Abe," Morris
+said. "Up to the time Germany started this war it used to was considered
+that if nations did got to go to war, y'understand, the best way to go
+about it was to put it in charge of a good sport like a tennis champion
+would naturally have to be, and as for the earls and the dukes, the
+theory on which them fellers fooled away their time was that they was
+just resting up between wars, Abe, because they was, anyhow, gentlemen,
+and it was England's idea that all a soldier had to be was a gentleman.
+But nowadays that's already a thing of the past. The way Germany fixed
+things with her long-distance cannons, her liquid fire, gas, and
+Zeppelins, a soldier don't have to be so much of a gentleman as an
+inventor, a chemist, an engineer, and a general all-around hustler."</p>
+
+<p>"In fact, Mawruss," Abe said, "a German soldier don't need to be a
+gentleman at all, because when it comes to stealing ch&acirc;teau furniture,
+destroying cathedrals, burning houses, and chopping down fruit-trees,
+any experience as a gentleman wouldn't be much of a help to a German
+soldier."</p>
+
+<p>"That's what I am telling you, Abe," Morris declared. "Germany has made
+war a business, y'understand, and she figures that a gentleman in the
+war business is like a gentleman in the pants business. He ain't going
+to make any more or better pants by being a gentleman, y'understand, and
+if we are going to win this war, Abe, we should ought to stop beefing
+about German<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> soldiers not being gentlemen, and take into consideration
+the fact that while German engineers, chemists, inventors, and
+submarine-builders may not know whether you play lawn tennis with a cue,
+mallet, or a full deck of fifty-two cards including the joker, Abe, you
+can bet your life that they know an awful lot about engineering,
+chemistry, and building submarines, and they don't need no so-called
+experts to help them, neither."</p>
+
+<p>"And you can also bet your life, Mawruss, that no German would have
+turned down Colonel Lewis's machine-guns," Abe said, "the way them
+experts of ours did."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what is an expert to do, Abe?" Morris asked. "If he goes to work
+and recommends the government to give an inventor an order for his
+invention, he's taking a big chance that the invention wouldn't work,
+and you know as well as I do, Abe, most American experts play in
+terrible hard luck. You take these here military experts which gives
+expert opinions in the newspapers about what is going to happen next on
+the Balkan front, y'understand, and a feller could make quite a
+reputation as a military expert by simply coppering their predictions."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, them military experts which writes in the newspapers ain't really
+experts at all, Mawruss," Abe said. "They're just crickets, like them
+musical crickets which knows everything there is to know about, we would
+say, for example, playing on the fiddle excepting how to play on the
+fiddle."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Aber</i> what is the difference between a profes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>sional expert and a
+professional cricket, <i>anyway</i>?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"A professional expert is a feller which thinks he knows all about a
+business because he tried for years and he never could make a success of
+it," Abe replied, "whereas a professional cricket is a feller which
+thinks he knows all about a business because he tried for years and he
+could never even break into it."</p>
+
+<p>"And how could you expect to get from people like that an opinion which
+ain't on the bias?" Morris concluded.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XIII" id="XIII"></a>XIII</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON BEING AN OPTICIAN AND LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT
+SIDE<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p>"Yes, Mawruss," Abe Potash said as he laid down the morning paper after
+glancing over the alarming head-lines, "a feller which has got stomach
+trouble or the toothache nowadays is playing in luck, because when
+you've got stomach trouble you couldn't think about nothing else, and
+what is a little thing like stomach trouble to worry over with all the
+<i>tzuris</i> which is happening in the world nowadays?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then <i>have</i> stomach trouble," Morris Perlmutter advised.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean&mdash;<i>have</i> stomach trouble?" Abe said. "A man couldn't
+get stomach trouble the same way he could get drunk, Mawruss. It is
+something which is just so much beyond your control as red hair or a
+good tenor voice."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Morris agreed. "But what is happening in Russia and
+Italy is also beyond your control, Abe, so if them Bolsheviki is getting
+on your nerves, and you hate to pick up the paper for fear of finding
+that the Germans would have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> captured Venice, understand me, console
+yourself with the idee that there's a lot of brainy fellers in this
+country which is doing all they know how to handle the situation over in
+the old country, and then if you want something near at home to worry
+about like stomach trouble, y'understand, there's plenty of misfortunate
+people in orphan asylums and hospitals right here in New York City which
+will be very glad to have you worry over them in a practical way out of
+what you've got left when you're through paying income and excise profit
+taxes, Abe."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe there is some people which would get so upset over having to give
+twenty dollars or so to an orphan asylum or a hospital, Mawruss, that
+for the time being they could forget how General Crozier 'ain't ordered
+the machine-guns yet," Abe said, "but me I ain't built that way. When it
+says in the papers where the Germans is sending all their soldiers away
+from the Russian front to the Italian front, y'understand, it may be
+that some people could read it and try not to worry by sending five
+dollars to them Highwaymen for Improving the Condition of the Poor,
+Mawruss, but when <i>I</i> read it, Mawruss, I think how it's all up to them
+Bolsheviki in Russia, and I get awful sore at the poor&mdash;in especially
+the Russian poor."</p>
+
+<p>"What are you worrying your head about what they put in the papers?"
+Morris asked. "Seventy-five per cent. of the bridge-heads which the
+Germans capture in the New York morning papers might just so well be
+French villages, except that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> the reporters would have to look up the
+names of the villages on the map, because some editors are very
+particular that way; they insist that the reporter should use the name
+of a real village, whereas if he puts down that the Germans has captured
+a bridge-head on the Piave River he could go right out to lunch, and he
+never even stops to think that if somebody would check up the number of
+bridge-heads which the Germans has captured that way in the New York
+morning papers, Abe, the Piave River would got to be covered solid with
+bridges from end to end."</p>
+
+<p>"But I am just so bad as a reporter, Mawruss&mdash;I never stop to think
+that, neither," Abe admitted. "It's my nature that I couldn't help
+believing the foolishness which I read in the papers, and if the Germans
+capture a bridge-head on me in the Sporting Edition with Final Wall
+Street Complete they might just so well capture it in Italy and be done
+with it, because if I play cards afterward I couldn't keep my mind on
+the game, anyhow. Only last Sunday I had a three-hundred-and-fifty hand
+in spades, with an extra ace and king, understand me, when I happened to
+think about reading in the paper where the Germans is going to build for
+next spring submarines in extra sized six hundred feet long,
+y'understand, and the consequence was I forget to meld a twenty in clubs
+and lost the hand by eighteen points. Before I fell asleep that night I
+thought it over that Germany couldn't build such a big submarine as the
+papers claimed, but by that time I was out three dollars<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> on the hand,
+<i>anyway</i>, and that's the way war affects <i>me</i>, Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's where you are making a big mistake, Abe," Morris
+commented, "because even when the articles which they print in the
+newspaper is true, y'understand, if you only stop to figure them out
+right, Abe, you could get a whole lot of encouragement that way. Take,
+for instance, when you read <i>via</i> Amsterdam that General Hindenberg is
+now commanding the western front, Abe, and with some people that would
+throw a big scare into 'em, y'understand, but with me not, Abe, because
+the way I look at it is from experience. I've known lots of fellers from
+seventy to seventy-five years old, Abe, and in particular my wife's
+mother's a brother Old Man Baum in the cotton-converting business.
+There's a feller which he actually went to work and married his
+stenographer when he was seventy-two, Abe, and, compared to an
+undertaking like that, running the western front would be child's play,
+Abe, and yet when all was said and done, if he went to theayter Saturday
+night and eats afterward a little chicken <i>&agrave; la</i> King, y'understand, it
+was a case of ringing up a doctor at three o'clock Sunday morning while
+his wife's relations sat around his flat figuring the inheritance tax.
+Now, take Hindenberg which he is six months older as Old Man Baum, Abe,
+and what that feller has went through in the last three years two
+lifetimes in the cotton-converting business wouldn't be a marker to it,
+understand me, and still there are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> people which is worried that when he
+begins to run things on the western front, it is going to be a serious
+matter for the Allies, instead of the Germans.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Abe," Morris continued, "with all the things them Germans has got
+to attend to on the western front, it's no cinch to have on their hands
+an old man seventy-two years of age, which, if anything should happen to
+the old <i>Rosher</i>, like acute indigestion from eating too much gruel or
+lumbago, y'understand, then real generals on the western front would
+never hear the end of it."</p>
+
+<p>"Ain't Hindenberg also a real general?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Not an old man like that, Abe," Morris replied. "He used to was a real
+general, but now he is just a mascot for the Germans and a bogey man for
+us, which I bet yer the most that feller does to help along the war is
+to wear warm woolen underwear, keep out of draughts, and not get his
+feet wet under any circumstances at his age. Furthermore, Abe, I ain't
+so sure that the Germans is withdrawing so many soldiers as they claim
+from the Russian frontier, neither, y'understand, because the way them
+Bolsheviki has swung around to Germany must sound to the Kaiser almost
+too good to be true, and I bet yer also he figures that maybe it isn't
+because nobody knows better as the Kaiser how much reliance you could
+place on a deal between one country and another, even when it's in
+writing and signed by the party to be charged, which, for all any one
+could tell, whether<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> Russia is now a government, a co-partnership, a
+corporation, or only so to speak a voluntary association, Abe, the
+Kaiser might just as well sign his peace treaty with Pavlowa and Nordkin
+as with Lenine and Trotzky, so far as binding the Russian people is
+concerned."</p>
+
+<p>"It ain't a peace treaty which them fellers wants to sign, Mawruss," Abe
+said. "It's a bill of sale, which I see that Lenine and Trotzky agrees
+Germany should import goods into Russia free of duty and that she should
+take Russian Poland and Courland and a lot of other territory, and if
+that's what is called making peace, Mawruss, then you might just as well
+say that a lawsuit is compromised by allowing the feller which sues to
+get a judgment and have the sheriff collect on it."</p>
+
+<p>"And at that, Abe," Morris said, "there ain't a German merchant which
+wouldn't be only too delighted to swap his rights to import goods into
+Russia free of duty <i>after the war</i> for three-quarters of a pound of
+porterhouse steak and a ten-cent loaf of white bread right now, which
+the way food is so scarce nowadays in Germany, Abe, when a Berlin
+business man's family gets through with the Sunday dinner, and the
+servant-girl clears off the table, there's no use asking should she give
+the bones to the dog, because the chances is they <i>are</i> the dog,
+understand me. As for sugar, we think we've got a kick coming when we
+could only get two teaspoonfuls to a cup of coffee for five cents,
+y'understand, whereas in Germany they would consider themselves lucky if
+they could get two<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> teaspoonfuls to a gallon of coffee if they had a
+gallon of coffee in the entire country, understand me. So that's the way
+it goes in Germany, Abe; the people ask for bread and they give 'em a
+report on Norwegian steamers sunk by U-boats during the current week,
+and if one of the steamers was loaded with sugar, y'understand, that
+ain't going to be much satisfaction to a German which has got a sweet
+tooth and has been trying to make out with one two-grain saccharin
+tablet every forty-eight hours, neither."</p>
+
+<p>"But the Germans seems to be making a lot of progress everywheres," Abe
+said.</p>
+
+<p>"Except at home," Morris declared. "Maybe the German people still feels
+encouraged when the German army gets ahold of more territory, Abe, but
+it's a question of a short time now when the German people is going to
+realize that they don't need no more room to starve in than they've got
+at present, and that a nation can go broke just as comfortably in nine
+hundred thousand square miles as it can in nine million square miles."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe agreed, "but one thing Germany has fixed already,
+Mawruss, and that is that she is going to get a whole lot of customers
+in Russia."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if she does," Morris commented, "she'll have to provide the
+capital to set them customers up in business, and after she has done
+that, Abe, she will have to hustle around to drum up trade for them
+Russian customers, because when the Bolsheviki get through with their
+fine work in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> Russia, Abe, the Russian people won't have enough
+purchasing power to make it a fair territory for a salesman with a line
+of five-and-ten-cent store supplies. So if Germany started this here war
+to get more trade, she's already licked."</p>
+
+<p>"Then what does she go on fighting for?" Abe asked. "It seems to me that
+if we saw we couldn't accomplish nothing by going on fighting, Mawruss,
+we'd stop, ain't it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sure we would," Morris agreed. "But then, Abe, we 'ain't got nothing to
+stop us from stopping, because we ain't fighting for the sake of
+fighting, the way Von Tirpitz, Mackensen, and Ludendorff are doing.
+Take, for instance, Von Tirpitz, and that <i>Rosher</i> insists that the
+U-boats is going to win the war, so it don't make no difference to him
+how many German sailors goes down in U-boats, he's going to keep on
+sending out U-boats right up to the time the German people shoots him,
+and his last words will be that the reason why the U-boats didn't win
+the war was because they didn't have a fair trial. Then there's
+Mackensen and Ludendorff which they've got <i>their</i> idees about how the
+war should be won, and they mean to see that their idees continue to
+have a fair trial till there ain't enough German soldiers alive to give
+them idees a fair trial, and that's the way it goes, Abe. All the idees
+that we want to give a fair trial is that we are going to keep on
+fighting till we've proved to the German people that it don't pay to
+back up the Von Tirpitz, Ludendorff, and Mackensen idees."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"And how long is this going to take?" Abe inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Not so long as you think, Abe," Morris replied, "because Germany may
+have made peace with Russia, but she has still got fighting against her
+England, France, Italy, America, Starvation, Bad Business, Conceit,
+Lies, and Stubbornness."</p>
+
+<p>"And in the mean time, Mawruss," Abe said, "what's going to happen to
+us?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't worry about us," Morris said. "All America has got to do is to
+try to be an optician and look on the bright side of things, and she's
+bound to win out in the end."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XIV" id="XIV"></a>XIV</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>THE LIQUOR QUESTION&mdash;SHALL IT BE DRY OR EXTRA DRY?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Light wines don't harm an awful lot of people, for the same reason
+that there ain't much pneumonia caused by people getting damp from
+using finger-bowls.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"Yes, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, the day after the prohibition amendment
+was adopted by the House of Representatives, "there's a lot of people
+going around taking credit for this here prohibition which in reality is
+living examples of the terrible effects not drinking schnapps has on the
+human race&mdash;suppose any one wanted to argue that way&mdash;whereas if you was
+to put the people wise which is actually responsible for the country
+going dry, y'understand, they would be too indignant to call you a liar
+before they could hit you with anything that lay most handy behind the
+bar from an ice-pick to an empty bottle, understand me."</p>
+
+<p>"I always had an idea myself that what was responsible for prohibition,
+Abe, was that the people is sore at booze," Morris Perlmutter retorted.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But the people<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> would be just so sore at
+candy if the fellers which runs candy-stores acted the way
+saloon-keepers does, which you take a feller like this here Huyler, or
+one of the Smiths in the cough-drop business, and we would say his name
+is Harris Fine, y'understand, and instead of attending to the store and
+poisining people mit candy, he goes to work to get up the Harris Fine
+Association and gives all the eighteen-dollar-a-week policemen in the
+neighborhood to understand that it's equivalent to ten dollars in their
+pockets if they wouldn't take it so particular when members of the
+Harris Fine Association commits a little thing like murder or something,
+<i>verstehst du mich</i>, why the people in the same block which wasn't
+members of the Harris Fine Association would begin to think that candy
+was getting to have a bad influence on the neighborhood, y'understand.
+Then if Harris Fine was to run for alderman and all the loafers of the
+eighth ward or whatever ward he was alderman of was to meet in the back
+room of his candy-store, Mawruss, the respectable <i>Leute</i> which couldn't
+go past Harris Fine's candy-store without hearing somebody talking
+rotten language would go home and say that it was a shame and a disgrace
+that the eighth ward should got to have candy-stores in it. Afterward
+when he has been an alderman for some time, Mawruss, and Harris Fine
+begins to make a fortune out of the garbage-removal contracts by not
+removing garbage, y'understand, and also as a side line to candy and
+ice-cream soda, does an elegant business in asphalt-paving which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span>
+contains one-tenth of one per cent. asphalt, y'understand, the bad
+reputation which candy has got it in the eighth ward is going to spread
+throughout the city, Mawruss, and finally, when the candy feller starts
+in to make contracts for state roads, candy gets a black eye in the
+state also, and it's only a question of time before the candy-dealer
+would go to Washington and put over a rotten deal on the national
+government, understand me, and then people like you and me which never
+touches so much as a little piece of peanut-brittle, Mawruss, starts
+right in and hollers for the national prohibition of all kinds of candy
+from gum-drops to mixed chocolates and bum-bums at a dollar and a half a
+pound."</p>
+
+<p>"You may be right, Abe," Morris said, "but when it comes right down to
+Bright's disease and charoses of the liver, y'understand, politics
+'ain't got nothing to do with it, because it doesn't make no difference
+to whisky whether a feller voted for Wilson <i>oder</i> Hughes. It would just
+as lieve ruin the health and prospects of a Republican as a Democrat."</p>
+
+<p>"Whisky might," Abe admitted, "but how about beer and light wines,
+Mawruss, which you know as well as I do, Mawruss, a loafer must got to
+drink an awful lot of beer before he gets drunk."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's what makes the brewery business good, Abe," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"But don't you think in a great number of cases, Mawruss, beer is drunk
+to squench thirst?" Abe asked.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"That's the way it's drunk in a great number of cases&mdash;twenty-four
+bottles to the case," Morris said; "but if the same people was to drink
+water the way they drink beer, Abe, instead of thirst you would think it
+was goldfish that troubled them, which I can get as thirsty as the next
+one, Abe, but I can usually manage to squench it without making an
+aquarium out of myself exactly."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Aber</i> what about light wines?" Abe inquired. "They don't harm an awful
+lot of people, Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"They don't harm an awful lot of people for the same reason that there
+ain't much pneumonia caused by people getting damp from using
+finger-bowls, Abe," Morris said, "because so far as I could see the
+American people feels the same way about light wines as they do about
+finger-bowls. They could use 'em and they could let 'em alone, and they
+feel a whole lot more comfortable when they're letting 'em alone than
+when they're using 'em."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss," Abe said, "I think a great many people
+which is prejudiced against light wines on account of heartburn is
+laying it to the wine instead of the seventy-five-cent Italian
+table-d'h&ocirc;te dinner which goes with it."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, and it's just as likely to be the cocktail which went before it as
+the glass of brandy which came after it, and that's the trouble with
+beer and light wine, Abe," Morris declared. "They usually ain't the only
+numbers on the program,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> and the feller which starts in on beer and
+light wines, Abe, soon gets such a big repertoire of drinks that he's
+performing on the bottle day and night, y'understand, which
+saloon-keepers knows better than anybody else, Abe, because if you would
+ask a saloon-keeper <i>oder</i> a bartender to have something, y'understand,
+it's a hundred-to-one proposition that he takes a cigar and not a glass
+beer."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But once a bartender draws a glass beer,
+before he could use it again, he's got to mark off so much for
+deteriorating that it's practically a total loss, whereas he could
+always put a cigar back in the case and sell it to somebody else for
+full price in the usual course of business."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's what makes the saloon business a swindle and not a
+business, Abe," Morris said. "Just imagine, Abe, if you and me, as
+women's outer-garment manufacturers, was to lay in a line of ready-made
+men's overcoats in the expectation that after a customer has bought from
+us a big order he is going to blow me to a forty regular and you to a
+forty-four stout which we would put right back in stock as soon as his
+back is turned."</p>
+
+<p>"But even if the liquor business would be a dirty business, Mawruss,"
+Abe said, "you've got to consider that there's a whole lot of people
+which is making a living out of it, like bartenders and fellers working
+in distilleries, and if they get thrown out of work, y'understand, their
+wives and children is going to be just as hungry as if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> the fellers lost
+their jobs in a respectable business like pants or plumbers' supplies."</p>
+
+<p>"Say," Morris exclaimed, "if you're going to have sympathy for people
+which would get thrown out of jobs by prohibition, Abe, don't use it all
+up on bartenders and fellers working in distilleries, because there's a
+whole lot of other crooks whose families are going to be short of
+spending-money when liquor-selling stops. Take them boys which is
+running poker-rooms, faro-games, and roulette-wheels, and alcohol is
+just as necessary to their operation as ether is to a stomach
+specialist's, because the human bank-roll is the same as the human
+appendix, Abe: the success of removing it entirely depends on the giving
+of the anesthetic. Then there is the lawyers&mdash;criminal, accident, and
+divorce&mdash;and it don't make no difference how their clients fell or what
+they fell from&mdash;positions in banks, moving street-cars, or as nice a
+little woman as any one could wish for, y'understand&mdash;schnapps done it,
+Abe, and when schnapps goes, Abe, the practice of them lawyers goes with
+it."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, they still got their diplomas, Mawruss," Abe said. "And even
+though schnapps is prohibited, Mawruss, there will be enough people left
+with the real-estate habit to give them shysters a living, anyhow, but
+you take them fellers which has got millions of dollars invested in
+machinery for the manufacture of headache medicine, Mawruss, and before
+they will be able to figure out how they can use their plants for the
+manufacture of war supplies they're going to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> their own best
+customers, which little did them fellers think when they put on their
+bottles,</p>
+
+<p class='center'>
+* * * KEEP IN A DRY PLACE WELL CORKED * * *
+</p>
+
+<p>that people was going to take them so seriously as to put 'em right out
+of business, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"But there's also a large number of people which is going to lose their
+jobs on account of this here prohibition, Abe, and if they get the
+sympathy of these American sitsons which is laying awake nights worrying
+about how the Czar is getting along, Abe, it would be big already. I am
+talking about the temperance lecturers," Morris declared, "which if it
+wouldn't be for them fellers pretty near convincing everybody that no
+one could be happy and sober at the same time, Abe, it's my idee that we
+would of had this here prohibition <i>sohon</i> long since ago already,
+because those temperance lecturers got their arguments against drinking
+schnapps so mixed up with Sunday baseball, playing billiards, and going
+to theayters, picture-galleries, and libraries on Sunday, Abe, that some
+people which visits New York from small towns in the Middle West still
+hesitates about going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for fear of
+getting a hobnailed liver or something."</p>
+
+<p>"At that, Mawruss, this here prohibition is going to hurt some
+businesses like the jewelry business," Abe said, "which not counting the
+millions of carats that fellers has bought to square themselves for
+coming home at all hours of the night, y'under<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>stand, there's many a bar
+pin which would still be in stock if the customer hadn't nerved himself
+to buying it with a couple of cocktails, understand me. Automobiles is
+the same way, Mawruss, and if the engineering department of the big
+automobile concerns is now busy on the problem of making alcohol a
+substitute for gasolene, Mawruss, you can bet your life that the sales
+department is just as busy trying to find out something which will be a
+substitute for alcohol, because when a feller has made up his mind to
+buy a five-passenger touring-car, Mawruss, there ain't many automobile
+salesmen which could wish a seven-passenger limousine on him by working
+him with a couple of cups coffee, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"Then there is the show business," Morris observed, "and while I don't
+mean to say that this here prohibition is going to have any effect on
+them miserable plays where the girl saves the family at eight-forty-five
+by marrying the millionaire and discovers at ten-forty-five that she
+loves him just as much as if he hadn't any rating, so that the show can
+get out at eleven-five, y'understand, but when enough states has adopted
+the prohibition amendment to pull it into effect, Abe, the Midnight
+Follies as a business proposition will be in a class with bar fixtures
+and mass-kerseno cherries."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, so far as I'm concerned, any show that starts in at twelve
+o'clock would always have to get along without <i>my</i> trade, prohibition
+or no prohibition," Abe commented, "even though I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> could enjoy it on
+nothing stronger than malted milk."</p>
+
+<p>"Which you couldn't," Morris added, "and there's why the Midnight
+Follies wouldn't last, because not only is this here prohibition going
+to kill schnapps, Abe, but it is also going to drive off the market for
+all articles the demand for which contains more than one per cent.
+alcohol."</p>
+
+<p>"And believe me, Mawruss," Abe concluded, "no decent, respectable man is
+going to miss such articles, neither."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XV" id="XV"></a>XV</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON PEACE WITH VICTORY AND WITHOUT BROKERS, EITHER</p>
+
+
+<p>"An offer is anyhow an offer, even if it is turned down, Mawruss," Abe
+Potash said, the day after Germany proposed terms of peace, "which that
+time I sold Harris Immerglick them lots in Brownsville, Mawruss, the
+first proposition he made me I pretty near threw him down the
+freight-elevator shaft, and when we finally closed the deal I couldn't
+tell exactly how much I made on them lots&mdash;figuring what I paid in taxes
+and assessments while I owned 'em, but it must have been, anyhow, five
+hundred dollars, Mawruss, from the way Immerglick gives me such a
+cutthroat looks whenever he sees me nowadays."</p>
+
+<p>"Everybody ain't so easy as Harris Immerglick," Morris Perlmutter
+commented.</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe not," Abe admitted. "But Harris Immerglick didn't want them lots
+not nearly as bad as the Kaiser wants peace, Mawruss, so while the
+parties to the proposed contract seems to be at present too wide apart
+to make a deal likely, Mawruss, at the same time I look to see the
+Kaiser offer a few concessions."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps you're right, Abe," Morris said, "but while the Kaiser may have
+control of enough property so as to throw in a little here and a little
+there, y'understand, in the end it will be the boot money which will
+count, Abe, and before this deal is closed, Abe, you could bet your life
+that not only would the parties of the first part got to give up
+Belgium, Servia, Rumania, Poland, and Alsace-Lorraine, but they would
+also got to pay billions and billions of dollars in cash or certified
+check upon the delivery of the deed and passing of title under the said
+contract, and don't you forget it. So if some of them railroad
+presidents which is now drawing a hundred thousand a year salary, Abe,
+has got any hopes that President Wilson would hold up taking over the
+railroads pending negotiations for peace, y'understand, they must be
+blessed with sanguinary dispositions, Abe, because it's going to take a
+long time yet the Kaiser would concede enough to justify the Allies in
+so much as hesitating on even a single pair of soldiers' pants."</p>
+
+<p>"Say, if anybody thinks the government would let go the railroads when
+we make peace with Germany, Mawruss, he don't know no more about
+railroads as he does about governments," Abe declared, "because this war
+which the government has got with the railroads, meat-packers, oil
+trusts, and coal-mine owners wouldn't end when we've licked Germany any
+more than it begun when Von Tirpitz started his submarine campaign. Yes,
+Mawruss, if we wouldn't leave off<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> fighting Germany till it's agreed
+that no fellers like Von Tirpitz, Von Buelow, Von Bethmann-Hollweg, and
+all them other Vons can use German subjects and German property for
+their own personal purposes, why it's a hundred-to-one proposition that
+we ain't going to leave off fighting the railroads till it's agreed that
+them Von Tirpitzes, Von Buelows, and Von Hindenbergs of the American
+railroads couldn't use the transportation business of this country for
+stock-gambling purpose as though the railroads was gold and silver
+mining prospects somewhere out in Nevada and didn't have a thing to do
+with the food and coal supply of the nation."</p>
+
+<p>"Wait a moment," Morris said, "and I'll ask Jake, the shipping-clerk, to
+bring you in a button-box. We 'ain't got no soap-boxes."</p>
+
+<p>"That ain't no soap-box stuff, Mawruss," Abe retorted. "If the
+government should do the same thing to the meat-packers as they did to
+the railroads, Mawruss, the arguments of them soap-box orators wouldn't
+have a soap-box to stand on."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if the government thinks it is necessary in order to carry on the
+war, Abe," Morris said, "it will grab the meat business like it has
+taken over the railroads, but we've got enough to do to supply our
+soldiers with ammunition without we would spend any time stopping the
+ammunition of them soap-box fellers."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I may be wrong, Mawruss," Abe admitted, "but the way I look
+at it, the war ain't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> an excuse for not cleaning up at home. On the
+contrary, Mawruss, I think it is an opportunity for cleaning up, and
+when I see in the papers where people writes to the editors that the
+prohibitionists, the women suffragists, and the union laborers should
+ought to be ashamed of themselves for putting up arguments when the
+country is so busy over the war, I couldn't help thinking that there
+must be people over in Germany which is writing to the <i>Tageszeitung</i>
+and the <i>Freie Presse</i> that the German Social Democrats and Liberals
+should ought to be ashamed of themselves for putting up arguments about
+the Kaiser giving them popular government when Germany is so busy over
+the war. In other words, it's a stand-off, Mawruss, with the exception
+that the Kaiser 'ain't made no speeches so far that Germany would never
+make peace with America till the millions of American women which 'ain't
+got the vote has some say as to how the war should be carried on and
+what the terms of peace should be."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you mean to say that women not having the vote puts our government
+in the same class with Germany?" Morris demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"I mean to say that the proposition of German men having the vote sounds
+just so foolish to the Kaiser as the proposition of American women
+having the vote does to this here Eli U. Root," Abe retorted, "and while
+there is only one Kaiser in Germany, Mawruss, we've got an awful lot of
+Roots in America, so until Congress gives women the vote, Mawruss, the
+Kaiser will continue to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> have an elegant come-back at President Wilson
+for that proclamation of his."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you, Abe," Morris said, "I read this here proclamation
+of Mr. Wilson's when it was published in the papers, and while I admit
+that it didn't leave so big an impression on me as if it would of been a
+murder or a divorce case, y'understand, yet as I recollect it, Abe,
+there was enough room in it, so that if the German terms of peace was
+sufficiently liberal, y'understand, the German popular government
+needn't got to be so awful popular but what it could get by, understand
+me."</p>
+
+<p>"That's my idee, too," Abe declared, "and while I ain't so keen like
+this here Lord Handsdown or Landsdown, or whatever the feller's name is,
+that we should jump right in and ask the Kaiser if that's the best he
+could do and how long would he give us to think it over, y'understand,
+yet you've got to remember that we've all had experiences with fellers
+like Harris Immerglick, Mawruss, and if the Allies would go at this
+thing in a business-like way, y'understand, it might be a case of going
+ahead with our business, which is war, and at the same time keeping an
+eye on the brokers in the transaction."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't want to wake you up when you've got such pleasant dreams, Abe,"
+Morris interrupted, "but the Allies is going to need all the eyes
+they've got during the next year or so, and a few binoculars and
+periscopes wouldn't go so bad, neither."</p>
+
+<p>"All right," Abe said, "then don't keep an eye on the brokers, but just
+the same we could afford<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> to let the matter rest, because you know what
+brokers are, Mawruss: when it comes to putting through a swap, the
+principals could be a couple of hard-boiled eggs that would sooner make
+a present of their properties to the first-mortgagees than accept the
+original terms offered, y'understand, but the brokers never give up
+hope."</p>
+
+<p>"What are you talking about&mdash;brokers?" Morris exclaimed. "There ain't no
+brokers in a peace transaction."</p>
+
+<p>"Ain't there?" Abe retorted. "Well, if this here Czernin ain't the
+broker representing Austria and Germany, what is he? I can see the
+feller right now, the way he walks into Trotzky &amp; Lenine's office with
+one of them real-estater smiles that looks as genwine as a twenty-dollar
+fur-lined overcoat.</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Wie gehts</i>, Mr. Trotzky!' he says, like it's some one he used to
+every afternoon drink coffee together ten years ago and has been
+wondering ever since what's become of him that he 'ain't seen him so
+long. Only in this case it happens to be Lenine he's talking to.</p>
+
+<p>"'Mr. Trotzky ain't in. This is his partner, Mr. Lenine,' Lenine says.</p>
+
+<p>"'Not Barnett Lenine used to was November &amp; Lenine in the neckwear
+business?' Czernin says.</p>
+
+<p>"'No,' Lenine says, and although Czernin tries to look like he expected
+as much, it kind of takes the zip out of him, anyhow.</p>
+
+<p>"'Let's see,' he says, 'this must be Chatskel Lenine, married a daughter
+of old man Josephthal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> and has got a sister living in Toledo, Ohio, by
+the name Rifkin. The husband runs a clothing-store corner of Tenth and
+Main, ain't it?'</p>
+
+<p>"This time he's got him cornered, and Lenine has to admit it, so Czernin
+shakes hands with him and gives him the I.O.M.A. grip, with just a
+suggestion of the Knights of Phthias and Free Sons of Courland.</p>
+
+<p>"'My name is Czernin&mdash;Sig Czernin,' he says. 'I see you don't remember
+me. I met you at the house of a party by the name Linkheimer or Linkman,
+I forget which, but the brother, Harris Linkheimer&mdash;I remember now, it
+<i>was</i> Linkheimer&mdash;went to the Saint Louis Exposition and was never heard
+of afterward.'</p>
+
+<p>"'My <i>tzuris</i>!' Lenine says, but this don't feaze Czernin.</p>
+
+<p>"'You see,' he says, 'I never forget a face.'</p>
+
+<p>"'And you 'ain't got such a bad memory for names, neither,' Lenine tells
+him.</p>
+
+<p>"'That ain't neither here nor there,' Czernin says, 'because if your
+name would be O'Brien or something Swedish, even, I got here a
+proposition, Mr. Lenine, which it's a pleasure to me that I got the
+opportunity of offering it to you, and even if I do say so myself,
+y'understand, such a gilt-edged proposition like this here ain't in the
+market every day.'</p>
+
+<p>"And that's the way Czernin sprung them peace propositions on Lenine &amp;
+Trotzky, and it don't make no difference that in this particular
+instance it's practically a case of Lenine &amp; Trotzky accept<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span>ing whatever
+proposition the Kaiser wants to put to them, y'understand, when it comes
+to dickering with the Allies which can afford to act so independent to
+the Kaiser that if Czernin is lucky he won't get thrown down-stairs more
+than a couple of times, y'understand. He will come right back with the
+names and family histories of a few more common acquaintances and a
+couple of more concessions on the part of Germany, time after time,
+until it'll begin to look like peace is in sight."</p>
+
+<p>"I wish you was right, Abe," Morris said, "but I think you will find
+that this here peace contract will be in charge of the diplomats and not
+the real-estaters."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what's the difference?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Probably there ain't any," Morris admitted, "because their methods is
+practically the same, which when countries goes to war on account of
+treaties they claim the other country broke, y'understand, it's usually
+just so much the fault of the diplomats which got 'em to sign the
+treaties originally, as when business men get into a lawsuit over a
+real-estate contract, it is the fault of the real-estate brokers in the
+transaction. So therefore, Abe, unless we want to make a peace treaty
+with Germany which would sooner or later end up in another war,
+y'understand, the best thing for America to do is to depend for peace
+not on brokers <i>oder</i> diplomats, but on airyoplanes and guns with the
+right kind of soldiers to work 'em. Furthermore, after we've got the
+Germans back of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> the Rhine will be plenty of time to talk about entering
+into peace contracts with the Kaiser, because then there will be nothing
+left for the <i>Rosher</i> to dicker about, and all we will have to do in the
+way of diplomacy will be to say, 'Sign here,' and he'll sign there."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XVI" id="XVI"></a>XVI</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON KEEPING IT DARK</p>
+
+
+<p>"I got a circular letter from this here Garfield where he says we should
+keep the temperature of our rooms down to sixty-eight degrees," Abe
+Potash remarked during the recent below-zero spell in New York.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean&mdash;down to sixty-eight degrees?" Morris Perlmutter said.
+"If a feller which lives in a New York City apartment-house nowadays
+could get the temperature of his rooms as high as down to forty-eight
+degrees, y'understand, it's only because some of the tenants 'ain't come
+across with the janitor's present yet and he still has hopes. Yes, Abe,
+a circular like that might do some good in Pasadena <i>oder</i> Pallum Beach,
+y'understand, but it's wasted here in New York."</p>
+
+<p>"There's bound to be a whole lot of waste in them don't-waste-nothing
+circulars," Abe commented, "because plenty of people is getting letters
+from the Food Conservation Commission to go slow on sugar which 'ain't
+risked taking even a two-grain saccharin tablet in years already, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span>
+the chances is that there has been tons and tons of circulars sent out
+to other people which on account of their livers <i>oder</i> religions
+wouldn't on any account eat the articles of food which the circulars
+begs them on no account to eat, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"And next year them circulars will be still less necessary because
+enough people is going to get rheumatism from living in cold rooms to
+cut down the consumption of red meats over fifty per cent.," Morris
+observed.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, something has got to be done to make people go slow on using up
+coal, Mawruss," Abe said, "which the way it is now, Mawruss, twice as
+much coal is burned in one night to manufacture electricity for a sky
+sign saying that 'Toasted Sawdust Is the Perfect Breakfast Food' on
+account it is made only from the best grades of Tennessee yellow pine,
+y'understand, as would run an airyoplane-factory for a week, understand
+me, and children is fooling away their time in the streets because if
+coal is used to heat the school buildings, y'understand, there wouldn't
+be enough left for the really important things like lighting up the
+fronts of vaudeville theayters with the names of actors or telling lies
+about the mileage of automobile tires by means of a couple of million
+electric lights every night from sunset to sunrise, understand me."</p>
+
+<p>"Still there's a good deal to be said on the other side, Abe," Morris
+retorted, "which if the new coal regulations is going to make an end of
+the sky<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> signs, it will cut off practically all the reading that most
+New-Yorkers do outside of the newspapers, y'understand. Then again
+there's a whole lot of people aside from stockholders in
+electric-lighting companies which used to make a good living out of them
+sky signs. For instance, what's going to become of the fellers that
+manufactured them and the firm of certified public accountants <i>nebich</i>
+which lost the job of adding up the figures on the meters, because while
+any <i>Schlemiel</i> with a good imagination would be trusted to read the
+ordinary meter, Abe, the job of figuring the damages on a sky sign which
+is eating up a couple of million kilowatt-years every twenty minutes is
+something else again."</p>
+
+<p>"And yet, Mawruss, while I 'ain't got such a soft heart that I could
+even have sympathy for an electric-lighting company, understand me,
+still I am sorry to see them sky signs go," Abe said, "because lots of
+fellers from the small towns, members of rotary clubs and the like, used
+to get a great deal of pleasure from seeing a kitten made out of three
+hundred thousand electric bulbs playing with a spool of silk made out of
+five hundred and fifty thousand bulbs, and there was something very
+fascinating about watching that automobile tire which used to light up
+and go out every once in a while somewheres around the upper end of
+Times Square."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But if you was spending your good money
+for such an advertised tire, Abe, it wouldn't be very fascinating to
+watch<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> it blow out every once in a while on account the manufacturer had
+to skimp the rubber in order to pay the electric-light bills, Abe, and
+if any of them members of rotary clubs is in the dry-goods business and
+has to pay fancy prices for spool silk, Abe, they are <i>oser</i> going to
+thank the salesmen for the good time they put in while in New York
+rubbering at his firm's sky sign, because you know as well as I do, Abe,
+when it comes right down to it, nothing costs a customer so much as free
+entertainment."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, Mawruss," Abe said, "the idee of them electric sky signs is
+not to entertain, but to advertise, and as an advertising man told me
+the other day, Mawruss, the advertised article is just as low in price
+as the same article would be if unadvertised, the reason being that the
+advertised article's output is greater and that he wanted me to
+advertise in the <i>Daily Cloak and Suit Record</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, certainly, if the output is greater the cost of production is or
+should ought to be less," Morris observed, "so I think the feller was
+right at that, Abe."</p>
+
+<p>"That's what I told him," Abe continued, "but I also said that if I
+would put for fifty cents a day an advertisement in the paper,
+y'understand, my partner would never let me hear the end of it."</p>
+
+<p>"Is <i>that</i> so!" Morris exclaimed. "Since when did I kick that we
+shouldn't do no advertising?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," Abe retorted. "I heard you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> speak often about advertising
+the same like you done just now about sky signs, which it is already a
+back-number idee that advertising raised the price of goods to the
+customer and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Listen!" Morris interrupted. "If I would got it such a back-number
+idees like you, Abe, I would put myself into a home for chronic
+Freemasons or something, which I always was in favor of advertising,
+except that I believe there is advertising and <i>advertising</i>, Abe, and
+when an advertisement only makes you think of what it costs, instead of
+what it advertises, like sky signs, y'understand, to me it ain't an
+advertisement at all. It's just a warning."</p>
+
+<p>"Did I say it wasn't?" Abe asked. "The way you talk, Mawruss, you would
+think I was in favor of electric signs, whereas I believe that in times
+like these a very little publicity goes an awful long ways, Mawruss,
+which if them Congressmen down in Washington was requested by the Coal
+Commission to keep it a trifle dark and not use up so much candle-power
+in advertising the mistakes that has been made by some fellers now
+working for the government which 'ain't had as much experience in
+covering up their tracks as, we would say, for example, a Congressman,
+Mawruss, that wouldn't do no harm, neither."</p>
+
+<p>"It ain't a question of covering tracks, Abe," Morris declared, "because
+them business men which is now working for the government are perfectly
+honest, although they do make mistakes in their jobs and get rattled
+easy on the witness-<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>stand, which if such fellers <i>was</i> dishonest, Abe,
+even a Congressman would know enough not to advertise it."</p>
+
+<p>"As a matter of fact, Mawruss," Abe declared, "them Congressmen ain't
+calculating to advertise anybody or anything but themselves. Yes,
+Mawruss, the way some United States Senators acts you would think they
+was trying to get a national reputation as first-class, cracker-jack,
+A-number-one police-court lawyers, and the expert manner in which they
+can confuse and worry a high-grade Diston who is sacrificing his time
+and money to help out the government and make him appear a crook,
+y'understand, must be a source of great satisfaction to the folks back
+home&mdash;in Germany.</p>
+
+<p>"And it certainly ain't helping to win the war any, Mawruss, which most
+people would get the idee from reading the accounts of it in the
+newspapers that Mr. Hoover was tried by the United States Senate and
+found guilty of boosting the price of sugar in the first degree."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, in that case, Abe," Morris suggested, "even if we are a little
+short of fuel it would of been better for the sugar situation, and maybe
+also the wool uniforms also, if, instead of getting publicity through
+investigations, y'understand, the United States Senate would fix up an
+electric sign for the front of the Capitol at Washington and make
+Senator Reed the top-liner in big letters like Eva Tanguay or Mr. Louis
+Mann, because here in America we've got incandescent bulbs to burn,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>
+Abe, but we have only one Hoover, and we should ought to take care of
+him."</p>
+
+<p>"Understand me, Mawruss," Abe declared, emphatically, "it ain't that I
+object to a certain amount of light being thrown on the mistakes that is
+made in running the war, if it wasn't that they keep everything so dark
+about the progress that is also made&mdash;the submarines we are sinking, the
+number of soldiers we've got it in France, and what them boys is doing
+over there, and while I know there's good reasons for it, maybe it's
+like this here Broadway proposition&mdash;it pays to keep it dark, but it
+might pay better to keep it light, which I understand that all the
+lighting company saves in coal by cutting out the sky signs is less than
+thirty tons a night."</p>
+
+<p>"Thirty tons a night would warm a whole lot of people, Abe," Morris
+said.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But even at ten dollars a ton, Mawruss, it
+would be only a saving of three hundred dollars, which I bet yer some
+restaurants on Broadway has lost that much money apiece since the
+lighting orders went into effect."</p>
+
+<p>"That may be," Morris admitted, "but what the Coal Commission is trying
+to save ain't money, Abe. It's coal. And that is one of the points about
+this war that people 'ain't exactly realized yet. Money ain't what it
+once used to was before this war, Abe. You can still make it, lose it,
+spend it, and save it, but you couldn't sweeten your coffee with it or
+heat your house with it till<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> there's sugar and coal enough to go
+around. Also it's only a question of time when money won't get you to
+Pallum Beach in the winter or Maine in the summer unless the government
+official in charge of the railroads thinks it is necessary, and also if
+this war only goes on long enough and wool gets any scarcer, Abe, money
+won't buy you a new pair of pants even until you can put up a good
+enough argument with it to convince a government pants inspector that
+it's a case of either buying a new pair of pants or a frock-coat to make
+the old ones decent, understand me."</p>
+
+<p>"But the papers has said right straight along that money would win this
+war, Mawruss," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, and it could lose it, too, according to the way it is spent,"
+Morris continued, "and particularly right now when money can still buy
+things which the government needs for the soldiers, y'understand, money
+is a dangerous article in the hands of some people who think that the
+feller which don't feel the high price of sugar is more privileged to
+eat it than the feller which could barely afford it."</p>
+
+<p>"Even so," Abe remarked, "it seems to me that not spending money must be
+an easy way to be patriotic."</p>
+
+<p>"And some fellers is just natural-born patriots that way," Morris added,
+"and if they ain't, y'understand, the war is going to make them. It's
+going to give the rich man the same chance to be a good sitson as the
+poor man, and it's made<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> a fine start by taking the lights off of
+Broadway so that you couldn't tell it from a respectable street, like
+Lexington Avenue."</p>
+
+<p>"Couldn't a street be lighted up and still be respectable?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, and a rich man could spend his money foolishly and also be
+respectable," Morris agreed, "but not in war-times."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XVII" id="XVII"></a>XVII</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE PEACE PROGRAM, INCLUDING THE ADDED EXTRA
+FEATURE AND THE SUPPER TURN</p>
+
+
+<p>"It seems that this here Luxberg, the German representative in Argentine
+which sent them <i>spurlos versenkt</i> letters, has been crazy for years,
+Mawruss," Abe Potash said, one morning in January.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes?" Morris Perlmutter said. "And when did they find <i>that</i> out, Abe?"</p>
+
+<p>"It's an old story, Mawruss," Abe replied. "Everybody knew it in Berlin,
+only they never happened to think of it until we discovered those
+letters in the private mail of the Swedish minister."</p>
+
+<p>"And what do they lay the Swedish minister's behavior to, Abe?" Morris
+inquired. "Stomach trouble?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>That</i> they didn't say," Abe continued. "But I guess they figure that
+Sweden should think up her own alibis."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it's a hopeful sign when the Germans realize that them Luxberg
+letters sound like the idees of a crazy man, Abe," Morris said,
+"although<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> compared to Zimmermann's break about handing Mexico a couple
+of our Southern states if she went to war with us, y'understand,
+Luxberg's letters ain't so <i>meshuggah</i>, neither. So it seems to me, Abe,
+that Germany would be doing well to say that Luxberg was drunk when he
+wrote them letters, because later when it comes to explaining the
+hundreds of rotten acts that Germans has done in this war, Abe, Germany
+is going to have to think up a lot of excuses, and she may as well keep
+the insanity defense for somebody who would really need it, like the
+Kaiser."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't worry about the Kaiser, Mawruss," Abe said. "For years already
+that feller has been getting up such strong evidence for an insanity
+defense, in the way of speeches to soldiers, y'understand, that he could
+feel absolutely safe in not only doing what he <i>has</i> been doing, but
+also what Doctor Waite and Harry Thaw did, too, because all that the
+counsel for the defense would got to do is to read the Kaiser's remarks
+at Koenigsburg, for instance, and five minutes after the jury had
+returned a verdict without leaving their seats, y'understand, the Kaiser
+would be on his way up to the Matteawan Asylum for the Criminal Insane."</p>
+
+<p>"There ain't much danger of that, anyway," Morris declared, "because I
+read them fourteen propositions of Mr. Wilson's peace program, and so
+far as any mention is made of punishing the guilty parties, Abe, you
+might suppose the <i>Lusitania</i> had never been sunk at all, which it may
+be dumbness on my part, Abe, but the way<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> it looks to me is that if
+them fourteen propositions is fourteen net, and not ten, five, and two
+and one-half off for cash, understand me, we have got to give Germany
+such a big licking before she accepts them that we might just so well
+give her a bigger one and add propositions from fifteen to twenty
+inclusive, of which proposition sixteen would contain the same demands
+as proposition fifteen, except that the person upon whom the sentence
+was to be carried out would be the Crown Prince instead of the Kaiser,
+but no flowers in either case, understand me, and if twenty propositions
+wasn't enough to take care of all the responsible parties we could add
+as many more propositions as necessary."</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<img src="images/illus09.jpg" alt="jury"  />
+<a id="illus09" name="illus09"></a>
+<p class='caption'>
+ "And five minutes after the jury had returned a verdict
+would be on his way up to the Matteawan Asylum for the Criminal
+Insane."</p></div>
+
+<p>"What you are trying to fix up, Mawruss, ain't a program, but a
+catalogue, Mawruss," Abe commented, "which if we want to get a
+performance of Mr. Wilson's program, y'understand, and they're going to
+have a lot of trouble putting that number over with a satisfactory sea,
+on account they would either have to paint a sea, dig a sea, or have
+some sort of a sea effect, because Poland is like Iowa, Mawruss&mdash;the
+only time you could get a glimpse of the sea there is when they run off
+one of them Annette Kellermann filums in a moving-picture theayter."</p>
+
+<p>"That only goes to show what you know from Poland," Morris retorted,
+"because in seventeen ninety-three a lot of the sea-front of Prussia
+belonged to Poland."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, and in seventeen ninety-three a lot of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> sea-front of Texas
+belonged to Mexico," Abe continued. "So I guess Mr. Wilson must have
+some sea in mind which ain't barred by the statute of limitations; but
+that ain't here nor there, because getting a sea to Poland ain't the
+biggest difficulty in carrying out the peace program. Take, for
+instance, number six on the program, which is a proposed turn or act by
+all the Allies, entitled, 'Welcoming Russia into the Society of Free
+Nations.' The directions is that the performers should give Russland all
+sorts of assistance of every kind that she may need, and also to behave
+kindly to her, y'understand, and no sooner does Mr. Wilson come out with
+this, so to speak sob scenario, understand me, than Trotzky &amp; Lenine get
+right back at him with a counter-proposition, so I guess that the
+present number six will be taken out of the program, and another number
+substituted for it, like this:</p>
+
+<p class='center'>
+VI<br />
+<br />
+Extra Added Feature, the Popular Russian Dramatic Stars<br />
+in R&ocirc;les that Suit Them to Perfection<br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">Leon Trotzky &amp; Lenine Barney</span><br />
+<br />
+In 'Nix on the Bonds,' a Playlet with a Punch.<br />
+Suspense, Surprise, Finish, and All the Fixings that Make a<br />
+Snappy Dramatic Entertainment in Tabloid Form."
+</p>
+
+<p>"The mistake that Mr. Wilson made in number six on the program was that
+he took it for granted when the Allies welcomed Russland into the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>
+Society of Free Nations, Russia would behave like a new member should
+ought to behave, instead of which Russia started right in by giving a
+bad check for her initiation fees and first annual dues," Morris said.
+"She has also got out of the United States railroad supplies, munitions,
+and food, y'understand, and after giving bonds in payment, Abe, she
+turns right round and refuses to make good on 'em and at the same time
+practically says, 'What are you going to do about it?' and all this is
+right on top of Mr. Wilson saying, 'The treatment accorded to Russia by
+her sister nations,' y'understand, 'in the months to come,' <i>verstehst
+du mich</i>, 'will be the acid test of their good-will,' understand me,
+'and of their intelligent and unselfish sympathy.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you," Abe remarked, "the English which I learned it at
+night school, Mawruss, was more or less a popular-price line of
+language, and when Mr. Wilson comes across every once in a while with
+one of them exclusive models in the way of speeches, using principally
+high-grade words in imported designs, understand me, I ain't no more
+equipped to handle his stuff than a manufacturer of fly-papers is to
+make flying-machines, <i>but</i> as an ignorant business man, Mawruss, which
+you would be the last person to admit that I ain't, Mawruss, it seems to
+me that the acid test of our good-will is not going to be the way we
+treat Russland, but the way Russia treats us; and, in fact, Mawruss,
+Russia already poured a little acid on us long before this. But now when
+she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span> renigs on her bonds and practically gives us a whole bathful of
+acid, Mawruss, for my part the treatment needn't go on for months to
+come. I am satisfied with the acid test so far as it's gone <i>this</i>
+month, Mawruss, because it don't make no difference what kind of acid
+you use, Mawruss, a dead beat is a dead beat, understand me, and for a
+dead beat nobody has got any sympathy&mdash;either intelligent or unselfish,
+or unintelligent and selfish. Am I right or wrong, Mawruss?"</p>
+
+<p>"I wouldn't worry my head over that if I was you, Abe," Morris said,
+"because, as you said just now, Russland will attend to that number on
+the program for herself. But what is troubling me is number one, which
+provides that peace shall be made openly, and at the same time does away
+with the possibility that some afternoon when you and me gets out of
+here, after making up our minds that the war would last for ten years
+yet, we would buy a Sporting Extra with Final Wall Street Complete, and
+see the whole front page filled up mit the word PEACE in letters a foot
+high, understand me, which it has always been in the back of my head
+that the next time Colonel House would slip off to Europe no one would
+know anything about till the treaty of peace comes back signed 'Woodrow
+Wilson, per E.M.H.' But if the first number on the program goes through
+as planned, Abe, and we have open covenants of peace openly arrived at,
+y'understand, why, then, that will be something else again."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"You bet your life it would be something else again," Abe agreed,
+fervently, "and what is more, Mawruss, not only would them covenants of
+peace be open, but they would remain open for a long time, because
+there's a whole lot of Senators, Congressmen, ex-Senators,
+ex-Congressmen, and ex-Presidents which is laying for the opportunity
+when peace is proposed, so that they can discuss the peace terms with
+one another, openly, frankly, and in the public view, as Mr. Wilson
+would say. Yes, Mawruss, there's several political orators in and out of
+Congress which has got the word 'traitor' in their system and has got to
+get it out again in reference to somebody&mdash;preferably a member of the
+Cabinet&mdash;before peace negotiations is closed, and there is also such
+indigestible words like 'pusillanimous,' which gives certain
+ex-Presidents a feeling of fullness around the throat, and a couple of
+Senators will need time to find out just what the other Senators wants
+to do about them peace terms so that they can differ with them; and
+looking at it one way and another, Mawruss, if Senator Wadsworth and
+Senator McKellar thinks it is taking a long time to get ready for war,
+they should wait till we get ready for peace, Mawruss, and if they don't
+want to be afterward holding investigations as to why the throat
+specialists wasn't mobilized on time, Mawruss, they should start right
+in and mobilize the throat specialists, and also it wouldn't do any harm
+to find out the available stock of cough-drops is in the hands of the
+dealers, so that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> the lung power of the nation can go forth to holler
+for peace equipped to the last menthol lozenge."</p>
+
+<p>"In a way, that ain't no joke, neither, Abe," Morris said. "There is
+people that Mr. Wilson didn't include in his war program which is going
+to do their utmost to horn in on his peace program at the very best spot
+in the bill. Take Mr. Roosevelt, and his friends will no doubt insist
+that Mr. Wilson does a supper turn while Mr. Roosevelt goes on
+somewheres around nine forty-five, because to-day yet they're talking
+about making the Presidency of the United States a coalition affair, in
+which Wilson, Roosevelt, and Taft would be equal partners with the same
+drawing account and everything."</p>
+
+<p>"And where does Mr. Wilson get off in this coalition business?" Abe
+inquired. "Ain't two undivided one-thirds of the Presidency of the
+United States for the unexpired portion of his term worth nothing to Mr.
+Wilson, even at short rates, Mawruss?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," Morris replied, "I suppose Roosevelt and Taft would throw in
+their experience as Presidents."</p>
+
+<p>"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "There ain't a week goes by nowadays but what Mr.
+Wilson gets more experience as President than Taft and Roosevelt did in
+both their terms put together, so I don't think you need waste no more
+breath about it, Mawruss. When the people last time elected a President
+of the United States they chose Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> Wilson as an individual, not as a
+co-partner, and you could take it from me, Mawruss, it don't make no
+difference whether it would be a peace program or a war program which
+Mr. Wilson is fixing up, the name of the chief performer on it was
+settled by the people a year ago last November!"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XVIII" id="XVIII"></a>XVIII</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE NEW NATIONAL HOLIDAYS</p>
+
+
+<p>"Yes, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, after Mr. Garfield had announced the
+five-day shut-down, "one of the hardest things that a patriotic sitson
+is called on to do nowadays is to have faith in those fellers which is
+running the Fuel Commission, the Food Commission, and all the other
+commissions that they ain't such big fools as you would think for."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you don't think this here Garfield would close up the country for
+five days unless it would be necessary, ain't it?" Morris Perlmutter
+retorted.</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly I don't," Abe agreed. "But what is troubling me is that he
+ain't said as yet for why it is necessary, Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe he 'ain't figured it out yet," Morris suggested. "And even if he
+didn't, Abe, it stands to reason that if the country don't burn no coal
+for five days, at the end of five days they would still got the coal
+they didn't burn, provided they had got any coal at all to start with."</p>
+
+<p>"But as I understand it, Mawruss," Abe said,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> "not burning coal 'ain't
+got nothing at all to do mit Mr. Garfield's order that we shouldn't burn
+no coal. It seems from what ex-President Taft says and also from what a
+professor by the name of Jinks <i>oder</i> Jenks says, Mawruss, Mr. Garfield
+done it because the people 'ain't begun to realize that we are at war,
+Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"You mean to say that <i>again</i> the people don't begin to realize we are
+at war?" Morris exclaimed. "It couldn't be possible, Abe. Here we have
+had two Liberty Loan campaigns, a military draft which took in every
+little cross-road village in the country, a war-tax bill that hits
+everybody and everything, and people like Mr. Taft and Professor Jinks
+saying day in and day out that the people 'ain't begun to realize we are
+at war, y'understand, and yet you try to tell me that the people has
+slipped right back into not beginning to realize we are at war, Abe."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't try to tell you nothing," Abe said. "For my part I think it's
+time that somebody put them wise, Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean&mdash;put them wise?" Morris demanded. "The people knows
+that&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Who is saying anything about the people?" Abe interrupted. "I am
+talking about Mr. Taft and this here Professor Jinks, Mawruss. Them
+fellers has got ideas from spring and summer designs of nineteen
+seventeen. What we are looking for from the big men of the country is
+new ideas for the late summer of nineteen eighteen and fall and winter
+seasons of nineteen eighteen,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> nineteen nineteen, and this here
+people-'ain't-begun-to-realize talk was already a back-number line of
+conversation in June, nineteen seventeen."</p>
+
+<p>"But what them fellers is driving into, Abe," Morris observed, "is that
+it's going to help the war along if the people of America should be made
+to suffer along with the people of France and England. They figure that
+it ain't going to do us Americans a bit of harm to know how them
+Frenchers feel, <i>nebich</i>, with the Germans holding on to their
+coal-supply, Abe."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, we could get the same effect by going round in athaletic
+underwear and no overcoats, Mawruss," Abe retorted, "so if that's what
+Mr. Taft claims Mr. Garfield shut off the coal for, Mawruss, he is
+beating around the wrong bushes."</p>
+
+<p>"And he ain't the only one, neither, Abe," Morris said. "From the way
+other people is talking, Abe, you would think that in order to get into
+this war <i>right</i>, y'understand, we should ought to go to work and blow
+up a few dozen American cathedrals, send up airyoplanes over New York,
+and drop a couple gross bombs on the business section of the town,
+poison the water-supply, cut off the milk for the babies, and do
+everything else that them miserable Germans did to France and England,
+not to say also Russia, y'understand. This will cause us to become so
+sore, understand me, that everybody of fighting age will want to fight,
+and the rest of us will be willing to work in the munition-factories and
+spend all our time and money to end a war where American cathedrals<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> is
+being blown up, airyoplanes is bombing New York, and babies is suffering
+for want of milk, Abe."</p>
+
+<p>"You mean that Professor Jinks is willing to have us believe that Mr.
+Garfield is shutting off the coal, not because it's necessary, but
+because it's the equivalence of us bombing our own cities and making
+ourselves feel sore?" Abe asked. "Mr. Garfield?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ordinary people which ain't professors and ex-Presidents might figure
+that way," Morris continued, "but it seems that the theory is we are
+going to feel sore at Germany, Abe."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," Abe commented, "I am perfectly willing to feel sore at Germany
+for the things she has done in this war, Mawruss, and I am so sore at
+Germany, anyway, that I am also willing to feel sore at her for the
+things which she 'ain't done also, Mawruss, but so far as Mr. Garfield
+is concerned, y'understand, I prefer to think that he's a hard-working
+feller which could once in a while make a mistake, understand me, and
+that if he cuts off the coal, it's on account he thinks it's necessary
+to save the coal. Because if I thought the way Professor Jinks thinks,
+Mawruss, and I should meet Mr. Garfield face to face somewheres,
+understand me, the least they could send me up for would be using rotten
+language tending to cause a breach of the peace, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure I know, Abe," Morris agreed. "But the chances is that Mr. Taft and
+Professor Jinks may have a private idee that when Mr. Garfield shut<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>
+down on the coal he could of saved coal in some other way, and so in
+order that he shouldn't get stumped for explanations afterward,
+y'understand, they are taking this way of giving him what they think is
+a good pointer in that line, understand me, because if you read the
+papers this morning, Abe, there must be thousands of prominent sitsons
+which claims to be patriotic, y'understand, and from what them fellers
+said about Mr. Garfield, Abe, it was plain to me that the stuff they was
+holding back from saying about him was pretty near giving them apoplexy,
+y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, when it comes to cussing out the Fuel Administrator, Mawruss,"
+Abe said, "them prominent sitsons wouldn't have nothing on the
+unprominent sitsons which is going to lose five days' pay now and one
+day's pay a week for ten weeks later. Yes, Mawruss, what them poor
+people is going to call Mr. Garfield during the five days they will lay
+off is going to pretty near warm up their cold homes even if it ain't
+going to provide food for their families, Mawruss. Furthermore, Mawruss,
+five continuous days is going to give them an opportunity to do a lot
+more real, hard thinking than they could do if they would have, we would
+say, for example, only one hour a day lay-off every other day over a
+period of a hundred days, Mawruss, and if at the end of them five days,
+Mawruss, they are going to take as much interest in the problems of this
+war as they are in the problem of how they are going to catch up with
+what they owe for five days' food and rent,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> Mawruss, I miss my guess,
+because Mr. Taft and Professor Jinks may think that them fellers is
+going to spend their five days' lockout in looking up war maps and
+sticking little colored flags in the positions now held by the French
+and German troops or in reading up the life of General Pershing and <i>My
+Three Years in Germany</i> by Ambassador Gerard, Mawruss, <i>but I don't</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"And yet, Abe, admitting all you say is true, y'understand, what reason
+do you got for supposing that before Mr. Garfield shut off the coal he
+didn't also consider all these things, when they even occurred to a
+feller like you?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean&mdash;a feller like me?" Abe demanded. "Thousands of people
+the country over is saying the selfsame thing."</p>
+
+<p>"I know they are," Morris said. "And why you and they should think that
+what occurred to thousands of people the country over shouldn't also
+occur to Mr. Garfield, Abe, is beyond me. Now I don't know no more about
+this coal proposition than you do, Abe, but I am willing to take a
+chance that when a big man like Garfield, backed up by President Wilson,
+does a crazy thing like this, y'understand, he must have had an awful
+good reason for it, no matter how good the reasons were against it."</p>
+
+<p>"Did I say he didn't?" Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"Then why knock the feller?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Say, looky here, Mawruss," Abe retorted, "are we living in Germany or
+America? An idee! On twenty-four hours' notice the government<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> shuts off
+the coal-supply of the country and you expect that all that the people
+would say is, '<i>Omane! Solo!</i>' ('Amen! Selah!')."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's the way a government does business&mdash;on short notice, Abe,
+which if Mr. Garfield would be one of them take-it-on-the-other-hand
+fellers who considers the matter from every angle before he decides,
+y'understand, while he would have still got a couple of thousand angles
+to consider the matter from, Abe, the country would have been tied up
+into such knots over the coal-and-freight situation that it would have
+required not five days, but five hundred days, to untangle it,
+y'understand," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"But it seems to me, Mawruss, that Mr. Garfield could have spent, say,
+twenty-five minutes longer on that order of his, so that a manufacturer
+could tell from reading it over a few dozen times, with the assistance
+of a first-class, cracker-jack, A-number-one criminal lawyer, just what
+it was he couldn't do without making himself liable to a fine of five
+thousand dollars and one year imprisonment, y'understand," Abe said. "In
+fact, Mawruss, if the average manufacturer is going to try to understand
+that order before he does anything about it he'll have to shut down for
+five days while he is working to puzzle it out, and then he will keep
+his place closed down for five days longer while he is resting up from
+brain fag, understand me. Take, for instance, a department store which
+sells liquors and groceries, has a doctor in charge of the rest-room,
+and runs a public<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> lunch-room in the basement, y'understand, and if the
+proprietor decided to make a test case of it by hiring John B.
+Stanchfield and keeping open on Monday, Mawruss, once Mr. Garfield got
+on the witness-stand and started to explain just what the exemptions
+exempted, y'understand, it would be years and years before he ever had a
+chance to see the old college again."</p>
+
+<p>"But Mr. Garfield wrote that order to save coal, not arguments, Abe,"
+Morris said. "He expected that the business men of the country would do
+the sensible thing next Monday by staying home and playing pinochle or
+poker, and those fellers which don't know enough about cards to even
+<i>kibbitze</i> the game, y'understand, could go into another room and start
+in on their income-tax blanks, which, when it comes to figuring out what
+is capital and what is income in the excess-profits returns, Abe, there
+is many a business man which would not only put in all his Mondays
+between now and the first of March trying to straighten it out,
+y'understand, but would also be asking for further extensions of time to
+finish it up along about the fifteenth of April."</p>
+
+<p>"And that's the way it goes, Mawruss," Abe commented, with a sigh. "It
+use to was in the old days that all a feller had to know to go into the
+clothing business was clothing, y'understand, but nowadays a
+manufacturer of clothing or any other merchandise must also got to be a
+certified public accountant, an expert of high-grade words from the
+English language, a liar, a detective, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> should also be able to take
+the stand on his own behalf in such a level-head way that the assistant
+district attorney couldn't get him rattled on cross-examination."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, my advice to these test-case fellers, Abe," Morris concluded, "is
+this: Be patriotic now. Don't wait till you're indicted."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XIX" id="XIX"></a>XIX</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span>MR. WILSON: THAT'S ALL</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Potash and Perlmutter discuss the Chamberlain suggestion.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>"You know how it is yourself, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, one morning in
+January. "If you would see somebody nailing up something your first idee
+is to say: 'Here, give me that hammer. Is that a way to nail up a
+packing-case?' And then, if you went to work and showed him how, the
+chances is that before you get through the packing-case would look like
+it had been nailed up with a charge of shrapnel, and for six months
+people would be asking you what's the matter with your sore thumb.
+Painting is the same way. There's mighty few people which could see
+anybody else doing a home job of enameling without they would want to
+grab ahold of the brush and get themselves covered with enamel from head
+to foot, y'understand. So can you imagine the way Mr. Roosevelt is
+feeling about this war, Mawruss?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you've got to hand it to Mr. Roosevelt," Morris Perlmutter said.
+"He has had some small<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> experience in that line, although, at that,
+you've got to take his statements of what ain't being done to run the
+war right with a grain of salt, Abe, whereas with Senator Chamberlain,
+y'understand, when he says that the President ain't running the war
+right according to the idees of a man which used to was a practising
+lawyer and politician out in the state of Oregon, y'understand, and,
+therefore, Abe, his speeches should ought to be barred by the Food
+Conservation Commission as being contrary to the Save the Salt
+movement."</p>
+
+<p>"But even Mr. Roosevelt, which he may or may not know anything about
+running a modern army, as the case may be and probably ain't, Mawruss,
+because lots of changes has come about in the running of armies since
+Mr. Roosevelt went out of the business, Mawruss," Abe said, "but as I
+was saying, Mawruss, even Mr. Roosevelt, as big a patriot as <i>he</i> is,
+y'understand, ain't above spoiling a perfectly good job half done by Mr.
+Wilson, because he just couldn't resist saying: 'Here, give me hold of
+them soldiers. Is that a way to run an army?"</p>
+
+<p>"And besides, Abe," Morris said, "there's a great many people in this
+country, including Mr. Roosevelt, which believes that the only man which
+has got any license to say how the army should ought to be run is Mr.
+Roosevelt, y'understand, and ever since we got into this war, Abe, them
+fellers has been hanging around looking at Mr. Wilson like a crowd
+watching a feller gilding the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> ball on the top of the Metropolitan
+Tower, not wishing the feller any harm, y'understand, and hoping that he
+will either get away with it unhurt or make the drop while they are
+still standing there."</p>
+
+<p>"They ain't so patient like all that, Mawruss," Abe said. "Them fellers
+has got so tired waiting for Mr. Wilson to fall down on his job that
+they now want to drag him down or, anyhow, trip him up."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that," Morris declared, "but it
+looks to me that when Mr. Roosevelt read the results of the Senate
+investigations, y'understand, he wasn't as much shocked and surprised as
+he would have liked to have been, although to hear Senator Chamberlain
+talk you might think that what them investigations showed was bad enough
+to satisfy not only Mr. Roosevelt, but the Kaiser and his friends, also,
+when, as a matter of fact, the worst that any good American can say
+about Mr. Wilson as a result of them investigations is that instead of
+hiring angels who performed miracles, y'understand, he hired human
+beings who made mistakes."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But the worst thing of all that Mr. Wilson
+did was to say that Senator Chamberlain was talking wild when he made a
+speech about how every department of the government had practically gone
+to pieces, which Senator Chamberlain says that no matter how wild he may
+have talked before, nobody ever<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> accused him that he talked wild in all
+the twenty-four years he has held public office."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that only goes to show how wild some people talk, Abe," Morris
+said, "because when a man has held office for twenty-four years, talking
+wild is the very least people accuse him of."</p>
+
+<p>"But as a matter of fact, Mawruss, a feller from Oregon was telling me
+that Senator Chamberlain has held public office ever since eighteen
+eighty," Abe said. "He has run for everything from Assemblyman to
+Governor, and if he ain't able to remember by fourteen years how long he
+has held public office, Mawruss, how could he blame Mr. Wilson for
+accusing him that he is talking wild, in especially as he now admits
+that when he said all the departments of the government had broken down,
+y'understand, what he really meant was that the War Department had
+broken down. His word should not be questioned, or, in effect, that when
+a Senator presents a statement, the terms he is entitled to are
+seventy-five per cent. discount for facts."</p>
+
+<p>"Some of 'em needs a hundred per cent.," Morris said, "but that ain't
+here nor there, Abe. This war is bigger than Mr. Chamberlain's
+reputation, even as big as Mr. Chamberlain thinks it is, and it don't
+make no difference to us how many speeches Mr. Roosevelt makes or what
+Senator Stone calls him or he calls Senator Stone. Furthermore, Senator
+Penrose, Senator McKellar, and this here Hitchcock can also volunteer to
+police the game, Abe, but when it comes right <i>to</i> it,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> y'understand,
+every one of them fellers is just a <i>Kibbitzer</i>, the same like these
+nuisances that sit around a Second Avenue coffee-house and give free
+advice to the pinochle-players&mdash;all they can see is the cards which has
+been played, and as for the cards which is still remaining in Mr.
+Wilson's hand, they don't know no more about it than you or I do."</p>
+
+<p>"And the only kick they've got, after all," Abe said, "is that President
+Wilson won't expose his hand, which if he did, Mawruss, he might just so
+well throw the game to Germany and be done with it."</p>
+
+<p>"So you see, Abe, them fellers, including Mr. Roosevelt, is willing to
+let no personal modesty stand in the way of a plain patriotic duty, at
+least so far as thirty-three and a third per cent. of his answer was
+concerned. But at that, it wouldn't do him no good, Abe, because, owing
+to what Mr. Roosevelt maintains is an oversight at the time the
+Constitution of the United States was fixed up 'way back in the year
+seventeen seventy-six, y'understand, the President of the United States
+was appointed the Commander-in-chief to run the United States army and
+navy, and also the President was otherwise mentioned several other
+times, but you could read the Constitution backward and forward, from
+end to end, and the word ex-President ain't so much as hinted at,
+y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"Evidencely they thought that an ex-President would be willing to stay
+ex," Abe suggested.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"But Mr. Roosevelt ain't," Morris said. "All that he wanted from Mr.
+Wilson was a little encouragement to take some small, insignificant part
+in this war, Abe, and it would only have been a matter of a short time
+when it would have required an expert to tell which was the President
+and which was the ex, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't agree with you, Mawruss," Abe said. "Where Mr. Wilson has made
+his big mistake is that he is conducting this war on the theory of the
+old whisky brogan, 'Wilson! That's All.' If he would only of understood
+that you couldn't run a restaurant, a garment business, or even a war
+without stopping once in a while to jolly the knockers, Mawruss, all
+this investigation stuff would never of happened. Why, if I would have
+been Mr. Wilson and had a proposition like Mr. Roosevelt on my hands it
+wouldn't make no difference how rushed I was, every afternoon him and me
+would drink coffee together, and after I had made up my mind what I was
+going to do I would put it up to him in such a way that he would think
+the suggestion came from him, y'understand. Then I would find out what
+it was that Senator Chamberlain preferred, <i>gefullte Rinderbrust</i> or
+<i>Tzimmas</i>, and whenever we had it for dinner, y'understand, I would have
+Senator Chamberlain up to the house and after he had got so full of
+<i>Tzimmas</i> that he couldn't argue no more I would tell him what me and
+Mr. Roosevelt had agreed upon, and it wouldn't make no difference if I
+said to him, 'Am I right or wrong?' or 'Ain't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> that the sensible view to
+take of it?' he would say, 'Sure!' in either case."</p>
+
+<p>"You may be right, Abe," Morris agreed, "but if he was to begin that way
+with Roosevelt and Chamberlain, the first thing you know, William
+Randolph Hearst would be looking to be invited up for a
+five-course-luncheon consultation, and the least Senator Wadsworth and
+Senator McKellar would expect would be an occasional Welsh rabbit up at
+the White House, which even if Mr. Wilson's conduct of the war didn't
+suffer by it, his digestion might, and the end would be, Abe, that every
+Senator who couldn't get the ear of the President with, anyhow, a Dutch
+lunch, would pull an investigation on him as bad as anything that
+Chamberlain ever started."</p>
+
+<p>"It's too bad them fellers couldn't act the way Mr. Taft is behaving,"
+Abe said. "There is an ex-President which is really and truly ex,
+y'understand, and seemingly don't want to be nothing else, neither."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mr. Taft has got a whole lot of sympathy for Mr. Wilson, Abe,"
+Morris said. "He knows how it is himself, because when he was President,
+y'understand, he also had experience with Mr. Roosevelt trying to police
+his administration."</p>
+
+<p>"There's only one remedy, so far as I could see, Morris," Abe said, "if
+we're ever going to have Mr. Wilson make any progress with the war."</p>
+
+<p>"You don't mean we should put through that law for the three brightest
+men in the country to run it?" Morris inquired.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"No, sir," Abe replied. "Put through a law that after anybody has held
+the office of ex-President for two administrations, Mawruss, he should
+become a private sitson&mdash;and mind his own business."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XX" id="XX"></a>XX</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE GRAND-OPERA BUSINESS</p>
+
+
+<p>"Where grand opera gets its big boost, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, the
+morning after Madame Galli-Curci made her sensational first appearance
+in New York, "is that practically everybody with a rating higher than J
+to L, credit fair, hates to admit that it don't interest them at all."</p>
+
+<p>"And even if it did interest them, Abe," Morris Perlmutter said, "they
+would got to have at least that rating before they could afford it to
+buy a decent seat."</p>
+
+<p>"Most of them don't begrudge the money spent this way, Mawruss, because
+it comes under the head of advertising and not amusement," Abe said.
+"Next to driving a four-horse coach down Fifth Avenue in the afternoon
+rush hour with a feller playing a New-Year's-eve horn on the back of the
+roof, Mawruss, owning a box at the Metropolitan Opera House is the
+highest-grade form of publicity which exists, and the consequence is
+that other people which believes in that kind of advertising<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> medium,
+but couldn't afford to take so much space per week, sits in the cheaper
+ten-and six-dollar seats. And that's how the Metropolitan Opera House
+makes its money, Mawruss. It gets a thousand times better rates as any
+of the big five-cent weeklies, and it don't have to worry about the
+second-class-postage zones."</p>
+
+<p>"But you don't mean to tell me that the people which stands up
+down-stairs and buys seats in the gallery is also looking for
+publicity?" Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"Them people is something else, again," Abe replied. "They are as
+different from the rest of the audience as magazine-readers is from
+magazine-advertisers. Take the box-holders in the Metropolitan Opera
+House and they <i>oser</i> give a nickel what happens to Caruso. He could get
+burned in 'Trovatore,' stabbed in 'Pagliacci,' go to the devil in
+'Faust,' and have his intended die on him in 'Boh&egrave;me,' and just so long
+as their names is spelled right on the programs it don't affect them
+millionaires no more than if, instead of being the greatest tenor in the
+world, he would be an Interstate Commerce Commissioner. On the other
+hand, them top-gallery fellers treats him like a little god,
+y'understand, which if Caruso hands them opera fans a high C, Mawruss,
+it's the equivalence of Dun or Bradstreet giving one of them box-holders
+an A-a."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe you're right, Abe," Morris said, "but how do you account for
+people paying forty dollars for an orchestra seat at the Lexington
+Opera<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> House just to hear this singer Galli-Curci in one performance
+only, which I admit I ain't no advertising expert, Abe, but it seems to
+me that if anybody is going to get benefit from publicity like that he
+might just so well circulate a picture of himself drinking champanyer
+wine out of a lady's satin slipper and be done with it, for all the good
+it is going to do him with the National Association of Credit Men."</p>
+
+<p>"That is another angle of the grand-opera proposition, Mawruss," Abe
+said. "Paying forty dollars for an orchestra seat to hear this lady with
+the Lloyd-George name is the same like an operation for appendicitis to
+some people, Mawruss. It not only makes them feel superior to their
+friends which 'ain't had the experience, but it gives 'em a tropic of
+conversation which is never going to be barred by the statue of
+limitations, and for months to come such a feller is going to go round
+saying, 'Well, I heard Galli-Curci the other night,' and it won't make
+no difference if it's a pinochle game, a lodge funeral, or a real-estate
+transaction, he's going to hold it up for from fifteen minutes to half
+an hour while he talks about her upper register, her middle register,
+and her lower register to a bunch of people who don't know whether a
+coloratura soprano can travel on a sleeper south to Washington, D.C., or
+has to use the Jim Crow cars."</p>
+
+<p>"All right, if it's such a crime not to know what a coloratura soprano
+is, Abe," Morris commented, "I'm guilty in the first degree. So go
+ahead, Abe.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> I'm willing to take my punishment. Tell me, what <i>is</i> a
+coloratura soprano?"</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose you think I don't know," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think you don't know," Morris replied, "but I do think that the
+only reason you <i>do</i> know, Abe, is that you 'ain't looked it up long
+enough since to have forgotten it."</p>
+
+<p>"Is <i>that</i> so!" Abe exclaimed. "Well, that's where you make a big
+mistake. I am already an experienced hand at going on the opera. When I
+was by Old Man Baum we had a customer by the name Harris Feinsilver,
+which if you only get him started on how he heard Jenny Lind at what is
+now the Aquarium in Battery Park somewheres around eighteen hundred and
+fifty-two, y'understand, you could sell him every sticker in the place,
+and him and me went often on the opera together. In fact I got so that I
+didn't mind it at all, and that's how I become acquainted with the
+different grades of singers which works by grand opera. Take, for
+instance, sopranos, and they come in two classes. There is the soprano
+which hollers murder police and they call her a dramatic soprano. And
+then again there is the soprano which gargles. That is a coloratura
+soprano."</p>
+
+<p>"And people is paying forty dollars an orchestra seat to hear a woman
+gargle?" Morris exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I don't say she actually gargles, y'understand," Abe
+explained, "anyhow not all the time, Mawruss. Once in a while she sings
+a song which has got quite a tune in it pretty near up to the end, and
+then she carries on something<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> terrible anywheres from two to eight
+minutes till the feller that runs the orchestra couldn't stand it no
+longer and he gives them the signal they should drown her out."</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<img src="images/illus10.jpg" alt="sopranos"  />
+<a id="illus10" name="illus10"></a>
+<p class='caption'>
+ "Take, for instance, sopranos, and they come in two
+classes. There is the soprano which hollers murder police and they call
+her a dramatic soprano. And then again there is the soprano which
+gargles. That is a coloratura soprano."</p></div>
+
+<p>"I should think he would get to know when it is coming on her and drown
+her out before she starts," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean&mdash;drown her out before she starts?" Abe continued.
+"That's what she gets paid for&mdash;carrying on in such a manner, and them
+people up in the top gallery goes crazy over it."</p>
+
+<p>"Then why don't the feller which runs the orchestra let her keep it up?"
+Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"A question!" Abe said. "There is from forty to fifty men working in the
+orchestra, and if the feller which runs it let them top-gallery people
+have their way it would cost him a fortune for overtime for them fellers
+that plays the fiddles alone."</p>
+
+<p>"He should arrange a wage scale accordingly," Morris said, "because it
+don't make no difference if it's the garment business or the grand-opera
+business, Abe, the customer should ought to come first."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>I</i> always felt that I got <i>my</i> money's worth, Mawruss," Abe said. "In
+particular when it comes to one of them operas with a coloratura soprano
+in it, y'understand, it seemed to me they could of cut down on the
+working time without hurting the quality of the goods in the slightest.
+There's always a good fifteen minutes wasted in such operas where a
+feller in the orchestra plays a little something on the flute and the
+coloratura<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> soprano sings the same music on the stage, the idee being to
+show that you couldn't tell the difference between the feller playing
+the flute and the coloratura soprano except the feller playing the flute
+has all his clothes on. Then, again, during the death-bed scene in the
+last act they kill a whole lot of time also."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you mean to say there's a death-bed scene in every one of them
+operas?" Morris inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Practically," Abe replied. "There ain't many grand operas where both
+the tenor and the soprano sticks it out alive till the end of the last
+act, Mawruss. Tenors, in particular, is awful risks, Mawruss, which I
+bet yer that eighty per cent. of the times I seen Caruso he either
+passed away along about quarter past eleven after an awful hard spell of
+singing, or give you the impression that he wasn't going to survive the
+soprano more than a couple of days at the outside."</p>
+
+<p>"And yet some people couldn't understand why everybody takes in the
+Winter Garden or Ziegfeld's Follies," Morris commented.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I don't say that the audience suffers as much as if it was in
+the English language, but even when a lady dies in French or Italian I
+couldn't enjoy it, neither," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"It seems to me, Abe, that a feller which goes often on grand opera is
+lucky if he understands only English," Morris observed.</p>
+
+<p>"That's what you would naturally think, Mawruss," Abe agreed, "and yet
+there is people which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> is so anxious that they shouldn't miss none of
+the tenor's last words that they actually go to work and buy for
+twenty-five cents in the lobby a translation of the Italian operas,
+which I got stung that way only once, because to follow from the English
+translation what the singers is saying on the stage in Italian, Mawruss,
+a feller could be a combination of a bloodhound and a mind-reader,
+y'understand, and even then he would get twisted. For instance, Caruso
+comes out with a couple hundred assorted tenors and bassos, and so far
+as any human being could tell which don't understand Italian, Mawruss,
+he begs them that they shouldn't go out on strike right in the middle of
+the busy season, in particular when times is so hard and everything, and
+from the way he puts his hand on his heart it looks like he is also
+telling them that he is speaking to them as a friend, y'understand, and
+to consider their wives and children, understand me. All the effect this
+seems to have on them is that they yell, 'Down with the bosses!' and
+they insist on a closed shop and that the terms of the protocol should
+be lived up to. This gets Caruso crazy. He grabs his vest with both
+hands and makes one last big appeal, y'understand, in which he tells
+them that the delegates is stalling and that they are being made suckers
+of, and that if it would be the last word he would ever speak, the
+sensible thing is for them to go right back to work and leave it to
+arbitration by a joint board consisting of the president of the
+Manufacturers' Association, the chairman of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> Garment Workers' Union,
+and Jacob H. Schiff, y'understand, but do you think they would listen to
+him? <i>Oser a St&uuml;ck!</i> They laugh in his face, and it don't make no
+difference that he repeats it an octave higher accompanied by the
+fiddles, and gives them one last chance, ending on a high C,
+y'understand, they refuse to reconsider the matter, and when the curtain
+goes down it looks like the strike was on for fair. However, when the
+lights are turned on and you look it up in the English translation, what
+do you find? The entire thing was a false alarm, Mawruss. It seems that
+for twenty minutes Caruso has been singing over and over again, 'Come,
+my friends, let us go,' and the whole time them people was acting like
+they wanted to tear him to pieces, they have been saying, 'Yes, yes, let
+us go' a thousand times over, and that's all there was <i>to</i> it."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, after all, with a grand opera, it ain't so much the words as the
+music," Morris commented.</p>
+
+<p>"Even the music they don't take it so particular about nowadays," Abe
+continued. "In fact, the up-to-date thing in grand opera is not to have
+any music, Mawruss, only samples, which some of them newest grand
+operas, Mawruss, if it wouldn't be that the people on the stage is
+making such a racket instead of the people in the audience you would
+think that the orchestra was continuing to tune up during the entire
+evening."</p>
+
+<p>"Seemingly you didn't get a whole lot out of your visits to the opera,
+Abe," Morris said.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes, I did," Abe replied. "I got some wonderful idees for
+dinner-dress designs and evening gowns. I 'ain't got no kick coming
+against the opera, Mawruss. A garment-manufacturer can put in a very
+profitable evening there any night if he can only stand the music."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XXI" id="XXI"></a>XXI</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE MAGAZINE IN WAR-TIMES</p>
+
+
+<p>"I am just now reading an article by a feller which his name I couldn't
+remember, but he used to was a baseball-writer for the New York <i>Moon,"</i>
+Abe Potash said, as he laid down one of the several weeklies that have
+the largest circulation in the United States.</p>
+
+<p>"Is this a time to read about baseball?" Morris Perlmutter asked.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean&mdash;baseball?" Abe demanded. "I said that the feller
+<i>used</i> to was a baseball-writer, but he is now a dramatic cricket."</p>
+
+<p>"With me and dramatic crickets, Abe," Morris said, "it is always
+showless Tuesday, which when it comes to knocking plays, Abe, believe
+me, I don't need no assistance from nobody."</p>
+
+<p>"Who said he is knocking plays, Mawruss?" Abe protested. "This here
+dramatic cricket has just returned from the western front, and he says
+that the way it looks now the war would last until&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me for interrupting you, Abe," Morris<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> said, "but is there an
+article in that paper by a soldier which used to was a certified public
+accountant telling what is going to happen in the show business,
+because, if so, it might interest me, y'understand, but what a dramatic
+cricket who is also an ex-baseball-writer has got to say about the war,
+Abe, would only make me mad, Abe, because there is people writing about
+this war which really knows something about it, whereas as a general
+proposition it don't make no difference who writes about the show
+business, he usually don't know no more about it as, for example, a
+baseball-writer."</p>
+
+<p>"That's where you make a big mistake, Mawruss," Abe said. "I have read
+articles about the war ever since the war started, and so far as I could
+see, Mawruss, the fellers which wrote them might just so well of stayed
+at home and got their dope from actors and baseball-players, because you
+take, for instance, the fellers which has written about conditions in
+Russland, Mawruss, and claims to have their information right on the
+spot from the Russian working-men and soldiers, y'understand, and from
+the way them fellers is all the time springing <i>Nitchyvo!</i> and <i>Da!</i> in
+their articles, Mawruss, it's a hundred-to-one proposition that them two
+words was all the Russian they was equipped with to carry on their
+conversations with them moujiks."</p>
+
+<p>"For that matter, the fellers which writes the articles about the French
+end of the war don't seem to have had a nervous breakdown from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> studying
+French, neither," Morris observed. "All the French which them fellers
+puts into their writings is <i>O.U.I., m'sieu</i>, which don't look to me to
+be any more efficient as <i>C.O.D., m'sieu</i>, when it comes to finding out
+from a feller which speaks only French what he thinks about the war."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But a feller which writes such an article
+ain't aiming to tell what the French people thinks about the war. He is
+only writing what <i>he</i> thinks French people is thinking about the war;
+in fact, Mawruss, I've yet got to see the war article which contains as
+much information about the war and the people fighting in the war as
+about the feller which is writing the article, and the consequence is
+that after you put in a whole evening reading such an article you find
+that you've learned a lot of facts which might be of interest to the war
+correspondent's family provided he has sent them home money regularly
+every week and otherwise behaved to them in the past in such a manner
+that they give a nickel whether he comes back dead or alive."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course there is exceptions, Abe," Morris said. "There is them
+articles which gives an account of the big battle where if the Allies
+would of only gone on fighting for one hour longer, Abe, they would of
+busted through the German line and the war would of been, so to speak,
+over."</p>
+
+<p>"What big battle was that, Mawruss?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Practically every big battle which a war<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> correspondent has written an
+article about since the war started," Morris replied, "and also while
+the article don't exactly say so, y'understand, it leads you to believe
+that if the feller which wrote it would of been running the battle, Abe,
+things would of been very different. Then again there is them articles
+which contains an account of just to prove how cool the English soldiers
+is, Abe, the war correspondent which wrote it heard about a private
+which had the hiccoughs during the heavy gunfire and asks some one to
+scare him so that he can cure his hiccoughs, which to me it don't prove
+so much how cool the English soldiers is as how some editors of
+magazines seemingly never go to moving-picture vaudeville shows."</p>
+
+<p>"Editors 'ain't got no time for such nonsense, Mawruss," Abe said. "They
+got <i>enough</i> to keep 'em busy busheling the jobs them war correspondents
+turns in on them. Also, Mawruss, running a magazine in war-times ain't
+such a cinch, neither. Take in the old times before the war, and if a
+trunk railroad got wrecked, y'understand, people stayed interested long
+enough so that even if the article about how the head of the guilty
+banking concern worked his way up didn't appear till three months
+afterward, it was still good, but you take it to-day, Mawruss, and the
+chances is that a dozen articles about how Leon Trotzky used to was a
+feller by the name Braustein which are now slated to be put into the May
+edition of the magazine is going to be killed along with Trotzky
+somewheres about the middle of next<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> month. In fact, Mawruss, things
+happen so thick and fast in this war that three months from now the only
+thing that people is going to remember about Brest-Litovsk and
+Galli-Curci will be the hyphens, and they won't be able to say offhand
+whether or not it was Brest-Litovsk that had the soprano voice or the
+peace conference."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if a magazine editor gets stumped for something to take the place
+of an article which went sour on him, Abe," Morris suggested, "he could
+always print a story about a beautiful lady spy, and usually does,
+y'understand, which the way them amateur spy-hunters gets their dope
+from reading magazines nowadays, Abe, if the magazines prints any more
+of them beautiful lady-spy stories, y'understand, a beautiful face on a
+lady is soon going to be as suspicious-looking as Heidelberg dueling
+scars on a man, and it's bound to have quite an adverse effect on the
+complexion-cream business."</p>
+
+<p>"But you've got to hand it to these magazine editors, Mawruss," Abe
+said. "They ain't afraid to print articles which coppers the
+advertisements in the back pages. I am reading only this morning an
+article which it says on page twenty-eight of the magazine that people
+in Berlin is getting made <i>Geheimeraths</i> and having eagles hung on them
+by the Kaiser in all shades from red to Copenhagen blue for helping out
+Germany in this war by doing things that ain't one, two, six compared
+with what a feller in New York does when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> he buys a
+fifteen-hundred-dollar automobile, y'understand, and yet on pages
+thirty, thirty-two, thirty-eight, forty, and all the other pages from
+forty-one to fifty inclusive, the same magazine prints advertisements of
+automobiles costing from ten thousand dollars downwards, F.O.B. a
+freight-car in Detroit which should ought to be filled with
+ship-building material F.O.B. Newark, N.J."</p>
+
+<p>"That ain't the magazine's fault, Abe," Morris said. "If it wasn't kept
+going by the money the advertisers pays for such advertisements it
+wouldn't be able to print them articles telling people it is unpatriotic
+to buy the automobiles which the advertisement says they should ought to
+buy."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe you're right," Abe said, "but in that case when a magazine prints
+an advertisement by the Charoses Motor Car Company that the new Charoses
+inclosed models in designs and luxury of appointment surpass the finest
+motor-carriages of this country and Europe, Mawruss, the editor should
+add in small letters, 'But see page twenty-eight of this magazine,' and
+then when the reader turns to page twenty-eight and finds out what the
+article says about pleasure cars in war-times, y'understand, he would
+think twice, ain't it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But there's always the danger that the
+advertiser would also turn to page twenty-eight, so as a business
+proposition for the magazine, it would be better if the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> editors stick
+to them <i>nitchyvo</i> articles, which if the advertisers turn to page
+twenty-eight and see one of those articles the only thing that would
+worry them, y'understand, is whether or not the reader is going to get
+so disgusted that he would throw away the magazine before he reached the
+advertising section."</p>
+
+<p>"That ain't how <i>I</i> look at it, Mawruss," Abe protested. "The way a
+manufacturer has to figure costs so close nowadays, Mawruss, anything
+like these here war articles which gives you an example of how to turn
+out the finished product with the least amount of labor and material in
+it, Mawruss, should ought to be of great interest to the business man.
+For instance, you ask one of them live, up-to-date young fellers which
+is now writing about the war with such a good imitation of being right
+next to all the big diplomatic secrets that no one would ever suspect
+how before the war he used to think when he saw the word Gavour in the
+papers that it wasn't spelled right and cost a dollar fifty a portion
+with hard-boiled egg and chopped onions on the side, y'understand, and
+we'll say that such a feller is ordered by the magazine <i>nebich</i> which
+he works for to go and see Mr. Lloyd George and fill up pages twelve,
+thirteen, and fourteen of the April, nineteen seventeen, edition with
+what Lloyd George tells him about political conditions in Europe. Well,
+the first time he goes to Mr. Lloyd George's house we will say he gets
+kicked down the front stoop, on account when he says he represents the
+<i>Inter<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>borough Magazine</i>, the butler thinks he comes from the
+subscription department instead of the editorial department and didn't
+pay no attention to the sign 'No Canvassers Allowed on These Premises.'
+Do you suppose that feazes the young feller? <i>Oser a St&uuml;ck!</i> He goes
+straight back home, paints the place where he landed with iodine,
+y'understand, and writes enough to fill up the whole of page twelve
+about how, unlike President Wilson, Mr. Lloyd George believes in
+surrounding himself with strong men. The next time he calls there he
+gets into the front parlor while he sends up his card, and before the
+butler could return with the message that Mr. Lloyd George says he
+wouldn't be back for some days, y'understand, Mrs. Lloyd George happens
+in and wants to know who let him in there and he should go and wait
+outside in the vestibule, which is good for half a page of how Mr. Lloyd
+George's success in politics is due in great measure to the tact and
+diplomacy of his charming wife.</p>
+
+<p>"However, he has still got half of page thirteen and all of page
+fourteen to fill up, and the next day he lays for Mr. Lloyd George at
+the corner of the street and walks along beside him while he tells him
+he represents the <i>Interborough Magazine</i>, which on account of the young
+feller's American accent Mr. Lloyd George gets the idee at first that he
+is being asked for the price of a night's lodging, y'understand. So he
+tells the young feller that he should ought to be ashamed not to be
+fighting for his country. This brings them to the front<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> door, and when
+Mr. Lloyd George at last finds out what the young feller really wants,
+understand me, he says, 'I 'ain't got no time to talk to you now,' which
+is practically everything the young feller needs to finish up his
+article.</p>
+
+<p>"He sits up all night and writes a full account, as nearly as he could
+remember it, not having taken no notes at the time, of just what Mr.
+Lloyd George said about the 'Youth of the country and universal military
+service,' y'understand, and also how Mr. Lloyd George spoke at some
+length of the Cabinet Minister's life in war-times and what little
+opportunity it gave for meeting and conversing with friends, quoting Mr.
+Lloyd George's very words, which were, as the young feller distinctly
+recalled, 'Much as I would like to do so, I find myself quite unable to
+speak even to you at any greater length,' and that's the way them
+articles is written, Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder how big the article would of been, supposing the young feller
+had really and truly talked to Mr. Lloyd George for, say, three to five
+minutes, Abe," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"Then the article wouldn't have been an article no more, Mawruss," Abe
+concluded. "It would of been a book of four hundred pages by the name:
+<i>Lloyd George, The Cabinet Minister and the Man</i>. Price, two dollars
+net."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XXII" id="XXII"></a>XXII</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON SAVING DAYLIGHT, COAL, AND BREATH</p>
+
+
+<p>"It ain't a bad scheme at that, Mawruss," Abe Potash said as he laid
+down the paper which contained an editorial on daylight-saving. "The
+idee is to get a law passed by the legislature setting the clock ahead
+one hour in summer-time and get the advantage of the sun rising earlier
+and setting later so that you don't have to use so much electric light
+and gas, y'understand, because it's an old saying and a true one,
+Mawruss, that the sunshine's free for everybody."</p>
+
+<p>"Except the feller in the raincoat business," Morris Perlmutter added.</p>
+
+<p>"Also, Mawruss," Abe continued, evading the interruption, "there's a
+whole lot of people which 'ain't got enough will power to get up until
+their folks knock at the door and say it is half past seven and are they
+going to lay in bed all day, y'understand, which in reality when the
+clocks are set ahead, Mawruss, it would be only half past six."</p>
+
+<p>"But don't you suppose that lazy people read the newspapers the same
+like anybody else, Abe?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> Morris asked. "Them fellers would know just as
+good as the people which is trying to wake them up that it is only half
+past six under Section Two A of Chapter Five Fourteen of the Laws of
+Nineteen Eighteen entitled 'An Act to Save Daylight in the State of New
+York for Cities of the First, Second, and Third Classes,' y'understand,
+and they will turn right over and go on sleeping until eight o'clock,
+old style, which is two hours after the sun is scheduled to rise in the
+almanacs published by Kidney Remedy companies from information furnished
+by the United States government in Washington."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, Mawruss, I ain't such a big philosopher like you,
+y'understand," Abe said, "but so far as I could see it ain't going to do
+a bit of harm if you could get down-town one hour earlier in the
+summer-time, even though it is going to take an act of the legislature
+to do it."</p>
+
+<p>"And it would also be a good thing if the legislature would pass an act
+making a half an hour for lunch thirty minutes long instead of ninety
+minutes, the way some people has got into the habit of figuring it,
+Abe," Morris retorted, "but, anyhow, that ain't here nor there. This is
+a republic, Abe, and if the people wants to kid themselves by putting
+the clock ahead instead of getting up earlier, Mawruss, the government
+could easy oblige them, y'understand, but not even the Kaiser and all
+his generals could make a law that would change the sun from being right
+straight overhead at twelve o'clock noon, Abe."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Don't worry about the sun, Mawruss," Abe said. "The sun would stay on
+the job, war-times or no war-times. Nobody is trying to make laws to kid
+the sun into getting to work any earlier, Mawruss, but even with this
+war as an argument, there's a whole lot of people which would be foolish
+enough to claim pay for a time and a half for the first hour they worked
+if you was to alter your office hours so that they had to come down-town
+at seven instead of eight, although you did let them go home an hour
+earlier in the afternoon."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe they would," Morris said, "but it seems to me, Abe, that a great
+deal of time and money is wasted by legislatures making laws for
+unreasonable people. For instance, if you change the clocks to save time
+where are you going to stop? The next thing you know the legislature
+would be trying to save coal by changing the thermometer in winter so
+that the freezing-point from December first to March first would be
+forty-five degrees Fahrenheit, and then when people living in houses
+situated in cities of the first, second, and third classes kept their
+houses up to a sixty-eight-degree new style, which was fifty-five
+degrees old style, they would be feeling perfectly comfortable under the
+statue in such case made and provided. Also legislatures would be making
+laws for the period of the sugar shortage, changing the dials on spring
+scales by bringing the pounds closer together, so that a pound of sugar
+would contain sixteen ounces new style, being equivalent to twelve
+ounces old style."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"It ain't a bad idea at that, Mawruss," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"It wouldn't be if the same law provided for changing the size of
+teaspoons and cups, Abe," Morris said, "and even then there is no way of
+trusting a bowl of sugar to a sugar hog in the hopes that he wouldn't
+help himself to four or five spoonfuls, new style, being the equivalent
+of the three spoonfuls such a <i>Chozzer</i> used to be put into his coffee
+before the passage of the sugar-spoon law, supposing there was such a
+law."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But daylight is different from sugar. The
+idea is that people should use more of it, Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"I am willing," Morris said; "but so far as I could see, there ain't
+going to be no more daylight after the law goes into effect than there
+was before, and as for setting the clock one hour ahead, anybody could
+do that for himself without the legislature passing a law about it."</p>
+
+<p>"Say!" Abe protested. "Legislators don't get paid piece-work. They draw
+an annual salary, Mawruss; so if they went to pass a law about it, let
+them do a little something to earn their wages, Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't worry about them fellers not earning their wages, Abe," Morris
+said. "Legislators is like actors, so long as they got their names in
+the papers they don't care how hard they work, which if you was to allow
+them fellers to regulate the hours of daylight by legislation, Abe, so
+as to encourage lazy people to get up earlier, Abe,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> the first thing you
+know, so as to encourage aviators to fly higher, they would be passing
+an act suspending the laws of gravity for the period of the war."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I believe in that, too, Mawruss," Abe said. "Time enough we
+should have laws of gravity when we need them, but what is the use going
+round with a long face before we actually have something to pull a long
+face over? Am I right or wrong, Mawruss?"</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me, Abe," Morris asked, "what do you think the laws of gravity is,
+anyhow? No Sunday baseball or something?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, ain't it?" Abe demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"So that's your idee of the laws of gravity," Morris exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Say!" Abe retorted. "When I got a partner which is a combination of
+John G. Stanchfield, Judge Brandeis, and the feller what wrote
+<i>Hamafteach,</i> I should worry if I don't know every law in the law-books;
+so go ahead, Mawruss, I'm listening. What <i>is</i> the laws of gravity?"</p>
+
+<p>"The laws of gravity is this," Morris explained. "If you would throw a
+ball up in the air, why does it come down?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because I couldn't perform miracles exactly," Abe replied, promptly.</p>
+
+<p>"Neither could the legislature and also President Wilson," Morris said,
+"because even though you would understand the laws of gravity, which you
+don't, the baseball comes down according to the laws of gravity, and
+even though Mr. Wilson<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> does understand the laws of supply and demand,
+y'understand, if he gets busy and sets a low price on coal, potatoes,
+wheat, or anything else that people is working to produce for a living
+and not for the exercise there is in it, y'understand, such people would
+leave off producing it and go into some other line where the prices
+ain't regulated."</p>
+
+<p>"They would be suckers if they didn't," Abe commented.</p>
+
+<p>"And the consequence would be that sooner or later, on account of such
+low prices, y'understand, everybody would have the price, but nobody
+would have the coal," Morris said, "and that is what is called the law
+of supply and demand. It ain't a law which was passed by any
+legislature, Abe. It's a law which made itself, like the law that if you
+eat too much you'll get stomach trouble, and if you spend too much
+you'll go broke, and you couldn't sidestep any of them self-made laws by
+consulting those high-grade crooks which used to specialize in getting
+million-dollar fees out of finding loopholes in the Interstate Commerce
+law and the Anti-trust laws, because there's no loopholes in the law of
+supply and demand."</p>
+
+<p>"Might there ain't no loopholes in the law of supply and demand, maybe,"
+Abe said; "but when Mr. Wilson gave the order to his Coal Administrator
+to lower the price of coal it's my idee that he was trying to punch a
+few loopholes in the law of The Public Be Damned, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> while it was
+never passed by no legislature, Mawruss, it ain't self-made, neither,
+y'understand, but was made by the producer to do away with this here law
+of gravity, because under the law of The Public Be Damned prices goes up
+and they never come down, but they keep on going up and up according to
+that other law, the law of the Sky's the Limit, which no doubt a big
+philosopher like you, Mawruss, has heard about already."</p>
+
+<p>"In the company of igneramuses, Abe," Morris said, "a feller could easy
+get a reputation for being a big philosopher, and not know such an awful
+lot at that."</p>
+
+<p>"I give you right, Mawruss," Abe agreed, heartily; "but even admitting
+that you don't know an awful lot, Mawruss, there's something in what you
+say about this here law of supply and demand."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now that you indorse it, Abe, that makes it, anyhow, an
+argument," Morris commented.</p>
+
+<p>"But it looks to me like one of them arguments that is pulled by the
+supply end to put something over on the demand end," Abe continued,
+"because President Wilson knows just so much about the law of supply and
+demand as the coal operators does, Mawruss, and when he fixed the price
+of coal you could bet your life, Mawruss, he made it an even break for
+the supply people as well as for the demand people."</p>
+
+<p>"And what has all this got to do with setting the clock ahead one hour
+in summer, Abe, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> was what you was talking about in the first
+place?" Morris demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing, except that setting the clock ahead so as to save bills for
+gas and electric light and limiting the price of coal so as the public
+couldn't be gouged by the coal operators, so far as I could see, is two
+dead open and shut propositions, Mawruss," Abe said, "which of course I
+admit that I'm an ignorant man and don't know no more laws than a
+police-court lawyer, y'understand, but at the same time, Mawruss, I must
+got to say the way it looks to me it ain't the ignorant men which is
+blocking the speed of this war. For instance, who is it when Mr. Hoover
+wants to have millions of bushels wheat by using whole-wheat bread that
+says whole-wheat bread irritates the lining from the elementry canal?
+The ignorant man? <i>Oser!</i> He don't know the elementry canal from the
+Panama Canal, and if he did he couldn't tell you whether elementry
+canals came lined with Skinner's satin or mohair or just plain unlined
+with the seams felled. Then, again, who is it that when <i>any</i> order is
+made by the government which is meant to help along the war takes it
+like a personal insult direct from Mr. Wilson? The ignorant man? No,
+Mawruss, it's the feller which thinks that what's the use of having an
+education if you couldn't seize every opportunity of putting up an
+argument and using all the long words you've got in your system."</p>
+
+<p>"All right, Abe," Morris said. "I'm converted. Rather as sit here and
+waste the whole morning<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> I'm content that you should pass a law saving
+daylight if you want to."</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<img src="images/illus11.jpg" alt="bread"  />
+<a id="illus11" name="illus11"></a>
+<p class='caption'>
+ "For instance, who is it that says whole-wheat bread
+irritates the lining from the elementry canal? The ignorant man?
+<i>Oser!</i>"</p></div>
+
+<p>"Don't do me no favors, Mawruss," Abe commented.</p>
+
+<p>"And while you're about it, Abe," Morris concluded, "if you couldn't
+save it otherwise, have the legislature pass another law that people
+should save something else for the duration of the war which they
+ordinarily couldn't live without."</p>
+
+<p>"What's that?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Breath," Morris said.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XXIII" id="XXIII"></a>XXIII</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS WHY IS A PLAY-GOER?</p>
+
+
+<p>"Did you see on the front page of all the newspapers this morning where
+Klaw &amp; Erlanger has had another split with the Shuberts, Mawruss?" Abe
+Potash asked, one morning in February.</p>
+
+<p>"Say," Morris Perlmutter replied, "I didn't even know they had ever made
+up since the time they split before, and, furthermore, Abe, I think that
+even if the most important news a feller in the newspaper business could
+get ahold of to print on his front page was an I.O.M.A. convention,
+instead of the greatest war in history, y'understand, he would be giving
+his readers a great big jolt compared with the thrill they get when they
+read about the troubles people has got in the show business."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe <i>you</i> think so, Mawruss," Abe said, "but Klaw &amp; Erlanger and the
+Shuberts don't think so, and when you consider that them two concerns
+control all the theayters in the United States and spends millions of
+dollars for advertising, Mawruss, a feller in the newspaper business<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>
+don't show such poor judgment to give them boys a little space on the
+front page whenever they have their semi-annual split."</p>
+
+<p>"Probably you're right, Abe," Morris said; "but if it was you and me
+that had a big fight on with our nearest competitors, Abe, advertising
+it in the newspapers would be the last thing we would be looking for."</p>
+
+<p>"The garment business ain't the theayter business, Mawruss," Abe said.
+"For instance, being a defendant in a divorce suit don't get any one
+nowheres in the garment trade, because if a garment-manufacturer would
+have such a person working for him practically the only effect it would
+have on his business would be that he would be obliged to neglect it two
+or three times a day answering telephone inquiries from his wife as to
+just how he was putting in his time, y'understand, and so far as
+bringing customers into your place who want to see the lady you got
+working for you which all the scandal was printed about in the papers,
+Mawruss, it wouldn't make any difference <i>what</i> the evidence was, you
+couldn't get your trade interested to the extent even of their coming in
+to snoop with no intentions to buy, y'understand. But you take it in the
+theayter business and big fortunes has been made out of rotten plays
+simply because the theayter-going public wanted to see if the leading
+lady looked like the pictures which was printed of her in the papers at
+the time the court denied her the custody of the child, understand me."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Then you think that there's going to be a big rush on the theayters
+controlled by Klaw &amp; Erlanger and the Shuberts on account people has
+been reading in the papers about their scrapping again, Abe?" Morris
+inquired.</p>
+
+<p>Abe shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think nothing of the kind,
+Mawruss," Abe said; "but there's a whole lot of fellers in the theayter
+business which have stories printed about themselves in the Sunday
+papers where it tells how they used to was in business and finally
+worked their way into the theayter business and what is their favorite
+luncheon dish, y'understand, till you would think that the reason people
+went to see plays was because the manager formerly run a clothing-store
+in Milwaukee, Wis., and is crazy about liver and bacon, Southern style."</p>
+
+<p>"That would be, anyhow, as good a reason as because the leading lady's
+home life didn't come up to her husband's expectations," Morris
+commented.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no matter for what reason people do it, Mawruss," Abe concluded,
+"buying tickets for a show is as big a gamble as a home-cooked Welsh
+rabbit, in especially if you try to go by the advertisements. For
+instance, in to-day's paper there is three shows advertised as the
+biggest hit in town, four of them says they got more laughs in them than
+any other show in town, and there are a lot of assorted 'Biggest Hits in
+Years,' 'Biggest Hits Since the "Music Master,"' and 'Biggest Hits in
+New York,' so what chance does<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> an outsider stand of knowing which
+advertisements is O.K. and which is just pushing the stickers?"</p>
+
+<p>"The plan that I got is never to go on a theayter till the show has been
+running for at least three months, Abe," Morris advised.</p>
+
+<p>"But if everybody else followed the same plan, Mawruss," Abe commented,
+"what show is going to run three months?"</p>
+
+<p>"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "There would always be plenty of nosy people in
+New York City which 'ain't got no more to do with their money than to
+find out if what the crickets has got to say in the newspapers about the
+new plays is the truth or just kindness of heart, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"From what I know of newspaper crickets, Mawruss," Abe said, "when they
+praise a show they may be mistaken, but they're never kind-hearted."</p>
+
+<p>"If a play runs three months, Abe, it don't make no difference to me
+whether the newspaper crickets praised it because they had kind hearts
+or knocked it because they had stomach trouble," Morris said, "I am
+willing to risk my two dollars, <i>anyhow</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe it would be better all around, Mawruss, if the newspaper crickets
+printed what they think about a play the day after it closes instead of
+the day after it opens," Abe observed, "and then they might have
+something to go by. As it is, a whole lot of newspaper crickets is like
+doctors which says there is absolutely nothing the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> matter with the
+patient only ten days before the automobile cort&egrave;ge leaves his late
+residence."</p>
+
+<p>"But there is more of them like doctors which says that the patient may
+live two days and he may live two weeks, y'understand, and four weeks
+later he is put in Class One and leaves for Camp Upton with the next
+contingent," Morris said. "Take even 'Hamlet,' Abe, which I can remember
+since 'way before the Spanish war already, and I bet yer when that show
+was put on there was some crickets which said that John Drew or whoever
+it was which first took 'Hamlet' did the best he could with a rotten
+part and headed the article, 'John Drew scores in dull play at
+Fifty-first Street Theater.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Even so, Mawruss," Abe said, "that wouldn't feaze J.H. Woods or whoever
+the manager was which first put on 'Hamlet,' because we would say, for
+example, that the cricket of the New York <i>Star-Gazette</i> said, 'Hamlet'
+would be an A-number-one play if it had been written by a pants-presser
+in his off moments, but as the serious work of a professional
+play-designer it ain't worth a moment's consideration; also the cricket
+of the New York <i>Record</i> says, From the liberal applause at the end of
+the third act 'Hamlet' might have been the most brilliant drama since
+'The Easiest Way' instead of a play full of clack-trap scenes and which
+will positively meet the <i>capora</i> it deserves, y'understand.
+Furthermore, Mawruss, we would say that every other paper says the same
+thing and also roasts the play,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> y'understand, so what does this here
+Woods do? Does he lay right down and notify the operators that under the
+by-laws of the Actors' Union they should please consider that they have
+received the usual two weeks' notice that the show will close the next
+night? <i>Oser a St&uuml;ck!</i> The next day he puts in every paper for two
+hundred and twenty-five dollars an advertisement:</p>
+
+<p class='center'>
+FIFTY-FIRST STREET THEATER<br />
+<span class="smcap">J.H. Woods ..... Lessee</span><br />
+<span class="smcap">J.H. Woods</span><br />
+PRESENTS<br />
+'HAMLET'<br />
+THE SEASON'S SENSATION!<br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p class='center'>An A-number-one play.&mdash;<i>New York Star-Gazette.</i></p>
+
+<p class='center'>Most brilliant drama since 'The Easiest Way.'&mdash;<i>New York Record.</i></p>
+
+<p class='center'>John Drew scores heavily.&mdash;<i>New York Evening Moon.</i>"</p></div>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you," Morris said; "while I admit that the theayter
+crickets is smart fellers and knows all about the rules and regulations
+for writing plays, y'understand, so that they can tell at a glance
+during the first performance if the audience is laughing in violation of
+what is considered good play construction or crying because the show is
+sad in a spot where a play shouldn't ought to be sad if the man who
+wrote it had known his business, y'understand, still at the same time
+theayter crickets is to me in the same<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> class with these here diet
+experts. Take a dinner which one of them diet experts approves of, Abe,
+and the food is O.K., the kitchen is clean, the cooking is just right as
+to time and temperature of the oven, there's the proper proportions of
+water and solids, and in fact it's a first-class A-number-one meal from
+the standpoint of every person which has got anything to do with it,
+excepting the feller which eats it, and the only objection <i>he's</i> got to
+it is that it tastes rotten."</p>
+
+<p>"And that would be quite enough to put a restaurant out of business if
+it served only good meals according to the opinion of diet experts,
+Mawruss, because diet experts don't buy meals, Mawruss, they only
+inspect them," Abe commented.</p>
+
+<p>"And even if theayter crickets did pay for their tickets, Abe," Morris
+continued, "there ain't enough of them to support one of these here
+little theayters which has got such a small seating-capacity that
+neither the exits nor the kind of plays they put on has to comply with
+the fire laws, y'understand. But that ain't here or there, Abe. A
+theayter cricket is a cricket and not an appraiser, y'understand. He
+goes to a play to judge the play and not the prospective box-office
+receipts, Abe, and if on account of his knocking a play which would
+otherwise make money for the manager and do a lot of harm to the people
+which goes to the theayter, such a show is put out of business, Abe,
+then the theayter cricket has done a good job."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know, Mawruss," Abe said. "But it's just as likely to be the
+other way about, which you take these here shows the crickets gets all
+worked up over because they are written by foreigners from Sweden,
+Mawruss, where a married woman gets to feeling that her husband, her
+home, and her children ain't exciting enough, y'understand, so she
+either elopes or commits suicide, understand me, and many a business man
+has come to breakfast without shaving himself on the day after taking
+his wife to see such a show and caught her looking at him in an awful
+peculiar way, y'understand. Then there is other shows which crickets
+thinks a whole lot of, where a young feller which couldn't get down to
+business and earn a decent living puts it all over the man who has been
+financially successful, y'understand, and plenty of young fellers which
+gets home all hours of the night and couldn't hold a job long enough to
+remember the telephone number of the firm they work for, comes away from
+the show feeling that they ain't getting a square deal from their father
+who has never done a thing to help them in all this life except to feed,
+clothe, and educate them for twenty-odd years."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, such plays anyhow make you think, Abe," Morris said. "Whereas,
+when you come away from one of them musical pieces, what do you have to
+show for it, Abe?"</p>
+
+<p>"A good night's rest, Mawruss," Abe said, "which no one never laid awake
+all night wondering if his wife or his son has got peculiar no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span>tions
+about not being appreciated from seeing this here Frank Tinney talking
+to the feller that runs the orchestra in the Winter Garden, Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"Then what is your idee of a good show, anyway?" Morris inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss, a good show is a show which you got to
+pay so much money to a speculator for a decent seat, y'understand, that
+you couldn't enjoy it after you get there," Abe concluded. "And that is
+a good show."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XXIV" id="XXIV"></a>XXIV</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS SOCIETY&mdash;NEW YORK, HUMAN, AND AMERICAN</p>
+
+
+<p>"I seen Max Feinrubin in the Subway this morning," Abe Potash said to
+his partner, Morris Perlmutter. "He broke two fingers on his left hand
+last week."</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't he let the shipping-clerk do up the packing-cases?" Morris
+commented.</p>
+
+<p>"He didn't break his hand on no packing-case," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what <i>did</i> he break it on, then?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"The shipping-clerk," Abe replied, "which the feller said that this war
+is a war over property, and every nation that is in it is just as bad as
+Germany, so Feinrubin asked him did he claim that the United States was
+just as bad as Germany and he said 'Yes,' and afterward he said that
+Feinrubin would hear from him later through a lawyer."</p>
+
+<p>"And that is how Feinrubin broke his two fingers," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, as a matter of fact, up to that point<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> Feinrubin had only broke
+one finger, Mawruss," Abe said, "but just before the shipping-clerk went
+out of the door he said that President Wilson was an enemy to Society,
+so Feinrubin broke the other finger."</p>
+
+<p>"Serves Feinrubin right," Morris said. "There he was in his own
+shipping-room with hammers and screw-drivers laying around, and he has
+to break his fingers yet."</p>
+
+<p>"You probably would've done the same thing," Abe retorted, "if we would
+got for a shipping-clerk a Socialist who puts up such arguments."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I don't know," Morris said. "A Socialist would naturally say that
+this is a war over property because it don't make no difference if it
+would be a war, an earthquake, a cyclone, or a blizzard, to a Socialist
+all such troubles is property troubles, just as to a stomach specialist
+every pain is appendicitis, so if our shipping-clerk would give me a
+line of argument like that, Abe, instead I would break my fingers on
+him, y'understand, I would simply dock him fifty cents as an argument
+that if he wants to talk socialism, he should talk it in his own time
+and not mine."</p>
+
+<p>"But the feller had no business to tell Feinrubin that President Wilson
+was an enemy to Society," Abe protested.</p>
+
+<p>"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "For that matter I am an enemy to Society,
+too."</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," Abe declared. "Lots of Society fellers which never done a
+day's work in their lives has gone down to Washington to give<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> the
+country the benefit of their experience, Mawruss, and it's surprising
+how many Society ladies is also turning right in and giving up their
+time to the Red Cross and so forth."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But there is lots of them which don't,
+Abe, and you take it on a cold Sunday in February when the
+superintendent of the apartment-house where you live is keeping the
+temperature of your flat below sixty-eight degrees by not letting it get
+up to fifty, y'understand, and it would make a Bolshevik out of the
+president of a first national bank to see Mrs. J. Van Rensselaer-This
+and Mrs. H. Twombley-The Other on the front page of the illustrated
+Sunday supplement, photographed at Pallum Beach on Lincoln's Birthday in
+practically a pair of stockings apiece, y'understand, which if them
+people want to wear clothes in Florida that if any one wore them around
+New York if they didn't get arrested they would anyhow get pneumonia,
+y'understand, that's <i>their</i> business, Abe, but what I don't understand
+is, why should they want to advertise it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what is the use of being in Society if you couldn't rub it in on
+people who ain't?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"But this is a democracy, Abe," Morris said, "so who cares if he is in
+Society or not?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't fool yourself, Mawruss," Abe said. "There wouldn't be no object
+for Society ladies to advertise that they are in Society if they didn't
+know that reading such an advertisement would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> make a whole lot of
+people feel sore which wants to get into Society, but couldn't."</p>
+
+<p>"And such people calls themselves Americans?" Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"They not only calls themselves Americans, but they <i>are</i> Americans,"
+Abe said. "Which the main talking points of any one who advertises that
+they are in Society, whether they do it through publicity in the
+newspapers, by marrying or dying, y'understand, is that the bride or the
+deceased, as the case may be, was a descendant of Txvee van Rensselaer
+Ten Eyck who came in America in sixteen fifty-three and that another
+great-great-grandfather opened the first ready-to-wear-clothing factory
+on the American continent in sixteen sixty-six."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, Abe, you may be right," Morris said, "but it seems to me I
+read it somewheres how a whole lot of people which is now in Society
+qualified by settling in Pittsburg along about the time Judge Gary first
+met Andrew Carnegie."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But millionaires can get into Society on a
+cash basis, <i>nunc pro tunc</i>, as of May first, sixteen twenty, as the
+lawyers say, Mawruss, which if a lady is trying to butt into Society on
+the grounds that her great-great-grandfather, Hyman de Peyster van
+Rensselaer, <i>olav hasholom</i>, came over on the <i>Mayflower</i> and bought all
+the land on which the town of Hockbridge, Mass., now stands from the
+Indians in sixteen sixty-six for two hundred dollars, y'understand, it
+wouldn't do her chances a bit of harm if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> her husband came over on the
+White Star Line, third class, just so long as he bought U.S. Steel when
+it was down to thirty and a quarter in nineteen five and held on to it
+till it touched one hundred and twenty, y'understand."</p>
+
+<p>"Then what used to was the 'four hundred' must have added a whole lot of
+ciphers to it in the last few years, Abe," Morris commented.</p>
+
+<p>"Ciphers is right," Abe said. "But that four-hundred figure is a thing
+of the past along with the population of Detroit before the invention of
+the automobile, Mawruss, and I guess, nowadays, Society must be running
+the Knights of Pythias and the Royal Arcanum pretty close on the size of
+its membership, Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"For my part, Abe," Morris said, "I would just as lieve join either of
+them societies in preference to Society. Take, for instance, these here
+Vanderbilts which they have been in Society for years already, and what
+benefit do they get from it? It isn't like as if one of them would be in
+the wholesale clothing business, for instance, and could get a friend to
+use his influence with a retailer by saying: 'Mr. Goldman, this is my
+friend, Mr. Vanderbilt. Him and me was in Society for years, already,
+and anything in his line you could use would be a personal favor to me,'
+because any connection with the clothing business, wholesale or retail,
+bars you out of Society unless the Statue of Limitations has run against
+it for at least four generations."</p>
+
+<p>"Still, it's a big help to be in Society for certain<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> businesses,
+Mawruss," Abe said. "Take it in our line, Mawruss, and a feller which
+was in Society could make a fortune duplicating for the popular-price
+trade an expensive line of garments such as you would be apt to see at
+an affair which was run off by somebody 'way up in Society."</p>
+
+<p>"That ain't a bad idee, neither, Abe," Morris said; "and then, Abe,
+instead of people asking what is the big idee when they see a picture of
+Mrs. Yosel van Rensselaer Lydig in the illustrated Sunday supplement
+they could read on it, 'Our Leader&mdash;the Mrs. Yosel van Rensselaer Lydig
+gown; regular sizes, nine fifty; stouts, ten dollars,' which there is no
+use letting all that good publicity going to waste, Abe, so if a
+garment-manufacturer couldn't utilize it, a cigar wholesaler could vary
+his line of cigars called after actresses by naming one of them 'The
+Mrs. Yosel van Rensselaer Lydig, a mild and aromatic three-for-a-quarter
+smoke for five cents.'"</p>
+
+<p>"I'm afraid Society people wouldn't be willing to stand for such a thing
+even in war-times, Mawruss," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I only make the suggestion, Abe, because some states has already
+passed laws compelling everybody to find a job for the duration of the
+war, y'understand," Morris said, "and if the courts should hold that
+sitting on the sand at Pallum Beach and having a photograph taken ain't
+holding a job within the meaning of the statue in such cases made and
+provided, Abe, maybe the addition of a little advertising matter to the
+picture<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> would be enough to keep some Society lady out of jail on the
+ground that she is working as a model for advertising pictures,
+y'understand, although, for my part, Abe, I am willing to see anybody
+who tries to get publicity as a Society person go to jail whether they
+work or not."</p>
+
+<p>"Why so?" Abe asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Because such publicity is only the start, Abe," Morris said. "It is the
+first stages of what is the trouble in Germany to-day yet. For years
+already the Society fellers of Germany, headed by the chief Society
+feller of Germany, the Kaiser, has been getting their pictures into the
+paper dressed in soldiers' uniforms till it got to be firmly fixed in
+the minds of people which wasn't Society fellers that the latest
+up-to-the-minute idee was wearing a soldier's uniform. Also, Abe, along
+with such publicity goes the idee that anything Society fellers does is
+O.K., and it is this just-watch-our-smoke advice of the German Society
+fellers to the poor German people, <i>nebich</i>, which has changed the motto
+of Germany from '<i>Hei-lie! Hei-lio! Hei-lie! Hei-lio! Bei uns, geht's
+immer so!</i>' to '<i>Deutschland, Deutschland ueber Alles</i>,' and that is
+what brought on the war, Abe."</p>
+
+<p>"You mean to say that when Mrs. Mosha van Rensselaer has her picture
+taken at Pallum Beach the intention is the same as when the Kaiser used
+to got printed a photograph of himself as colonel of the One Hundred and
+First Pomeranian Regiment."</p>
+
+<p>"Toy Pomeranian or regular size, Abe," Morris<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> said, "it don't make no
+difference, the intention in both cases was to get publicity for the
+fact that the sitter was a leader of Society, Abe, and so far as the
+Kaiser was concerned, he soon got the idee that just as the Kaiser was
+the leader of Society of Germans, y'understand, so Germany was the
+leader of the Society of Nations, and therefore that Germany should have
+the biggest army, the biggest navy, the biggest colonies, and the
+biggest territory."</p>
+
+<p>"And she's going to get the biggest licking, Mawruss," Abe interrupted.</p>
+
+<p>"She's got it coming to her," Morris said, "and then when we've showed
+Germany that she ain't such an international Society leader like she
+thought she was, y'understand, the Germans which was rank outsiders in
+Germany Society is going to look up a lot of old illustrated Sunday
+supplements, and when the trial comes off before the Berlin County Court
+of General Sessions the district attorney is going to offer in evidence
+that well-known picture of the Kaiser and his six sons, and, without
+leaving the box, the jury will find a verdict of guilty of being German
+Society leaders in the first degree. Also, Abe, pictures will turn up of
+one of the Kaiser's hunting parties, and only the people which couldn't
+be identified on account of being at the edge of the photograph will
+escape."</p>
+
+<p>"But you don't think anything like that would happen to our Society
+fellers, Mawruss?" Abe said.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I think they're perfectly safe for the next hundred years or so, Abe,"
+Morris said, "but, just the same, they should take example by the
+Society leaders over in Russland, and learn to drink coffee from the
+saucer and eat with the knife while there is still time."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="XXV" id="XXV"></a>XXV</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span>POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THIS HERE INCOME TAX</p>
+
+
+<p>"Didn't I beg you that you shouldn't give to a lawyer that claim against
+Immerglick which we had for the money we loaned him five years ago?" Abe
+Potash said to his partner, Morris Perlmutter, as he pored over form
+1040, revised January, 1918, which bore in large black letters the
+heading, "<span class="smcap">Individual Income-tax Return for Calendar Year 1917</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"Ten hundred and fifty dollars he paid us, and now I don't know should I
+stick it under A, B, C, D, E, or F."</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose you would rather see Immerglick get away with the whole sum
+as pay eight per cent. of it to the government," Morris commented.</p>
+
+<p>"I would give the government not only eight per cent., but eighteen per
+cent., Mawruss, if they would only send round their representative and
+fill out this here paper themselves, and leave me in peace," Abe said.
+"I 'ain't done nothing for a month now but write down figures on this
+rotten<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> blank and scratch them out again, and what is going to be the
+end of it I don't know."</p>
+
+<p>"All the government asks of you, Abe, is to be honest," Morris said.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Abe replied. "But to be honest about fixing up this here
+income-tax return, Mawruss, you've got to be a lawyer, a certified
+public accountant, a mind-reader, and one of these here handwriting
+experts who knows how to write the whole of the Constitution of the
+United States on the back of a two-cent stamp, which take, for instance,
+'<span class="smcap">N. Contributions to Charitable Organizations, &amp;c.</span> (Enter below
+name and address of each organization and amount paid to each),' and
+while I 'ain't given away a million dollars to charity in nineteen
+seventeen exactly, I can see where next year when somebody comes round
+to <i>schnoor</i> from me five dollars for the Bella Hirshkind Home for Aged
+and Indignant Females in the Borough of the Bronx, City of New York,
+y'understand, he's going to get turned down on the grounds that Mr.
+McAdoo only provided three lines for all charitable contributions and
+I'm saving them up for the Red Cross, the S.P.C.A., and one orphan
+asylum with an awful short name."</p>
+
+<p>"Did it occur to you that you could give the Bella Hirshkind Home four
+dollars and sixty cents and leave it out of your income-tax return
+altogether?" Morris suggested.</p>
+
+<p>"Listen!" Abe said. "I ain't trying to invent ways of getting around
+what looks like the only<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> good feature of this here income-tax return,
+Mawruss. If Mr. McAdoo or President Wilson or whoever it was that fixed
+up this here paper thought that the average man didn't need more as
+three lines to put down his charities in, Mawruss, who am I that I
+should set my opinion up against theirs? Am I right or wrong?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, for that matter, Abe," Morris said, "if you are up against it for
+space to fill in about the Bella Hirshkind Home, how many lines did Mr.
+McAdoo leave me to write in about you and Feigenbaum?"</p>
+
+<p>"Me and Feigenbaum?" Abe repeated.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure!" Morris said. "The time you and him had the argument should it be
+pronounced Bol<i>shev</i>iki or Bolshe<i>vee</i>ki."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I was right, wasn't I?" Abe demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly you were right," Morris replied. "But the question is, do I
+put in the fifteen-hundred-dollar order he canceled on us under
+'<span class="smcap">Explanation of Losses of Business Property</span>' or under '<span class="smcap">J.
+General Deductions Not Reported on Page Three</span>'?"</p>
+
+<p>"Put it in the same place where I would put the money which I lost from
+having got it a partner which wastes dollars' and dollars' worth of time
+on me every day by arguing about things which arguing couldn't help,"
+Abe advised. "Because with this here income-tax proposition, Mawruss, if
+you are going to waste so much time arguing about what you have lost
+that you couldn't be able to remember by April first what<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> you made,
+y'understand, you would lose in addition a thousand dollars more and
+fifty per cent. of the amount of the tax due, and you couldn't have the
+consolation of blaming it on your partner, neither."</p>
+
+<p>"It seems to me, Abe," Morris commented, "that the government makes a
+big mistake limiting you to April first, because I already figured my
+income tax out six times and it comes to a hundred dollars more every
+time, which if they would only give me till, say, the first of August,
+y'understand, I might be able to figure it out a couple dozen times more
+and pay the government some real big money."</p>
+
+<p>"With me, Mawruss," Abe said with a sigh, "sometimes it's more and
+sometimes it's less, but it only goes to show how if a business man is
+going to have such a big difference of opinion with himself, Mawruss,
+what kind of a difference of opinion is he going to have with the
+collector of internal revenue? So I guess the only thing for me to do is
+to start all over again and this time I'll multiply the result by two,
+because if I've got to pay anything extra to the government,
+y'understand, I'd just as lieve do it without getting indicted first."</p>
+
+<p>"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "If they started in to indict everybody which
+is going to figure up their income tax wrong this year, Abe, the
+government would got to draft a couple of million grand-jurymen, and
+then lay off the workers on cantonments and put them to building
+jails."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"And labor is scarce enough as it is, Mawruss, when you figure the
+hundreds of thousands of sitsons of this country which has been taken
+out of active business life during the past sixty days while they were
+engaged in making up their income-tax returns," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that will simplify things a whole lot next year, Abe," Morris
+declared, "particularly in the excessive-profits department, because
+owing to the time they spent in doping out what excessive profits they
+had last year, the business men of the country won't have any profits
+this year, excessive or otherwise."</p>
+
+<p>"I should only make enough this year to pay a certified public
+accountant for fixing up my income-tax return next year, Mawruss, and I
+shall be satisfied," Abe said, "because who could tell, maybe next year,
+Mawruss, the government wouldn't stop at wanting to know what your
+income is and how you made it, but would also insist on knowing how you
+spent it after it was made, which if business is so bad next year on
+account of the war, Mawruss, it may be that the government, finding that
+they couldn't raise enough money with an income tax and an
+excessive-profits tax, will pass a law calling for a
+personal-extravagance tax."</p>
+
+<p>"They could get a lot of revenue that way," Morris admitted.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, and they could get it coming and going," Abe said. "Take, for
+instance, the hotel and restaurant hat-check business, which I seen it
+in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> the papers that a partnership of hat-checkers got into a dissolution
+lawsuit the other day, and it come out that they made a quarter of a
+million dollars profit in less than five years, y'understand. Now in a
+case like that, Mawruss, the government couldn't tax them robbers an
+additional eight per cent., because hat-checking ain't a profession
+under '<span class="smcap">A. Income from Professions</span>,' any more than burglary is.
+Neither could the government soak them highwaymen for an
+excessive-profits tax, because hat-checking ain't a business with an
+invested capital, not unless you count as capital, <i>Chutzpah</i>, gall and
+a nerve like a rhinoceros. So the only way the government could collect
+on tips to hat-checkers would be to tax the tipper fifty per cent. and
+put it up to the hat-checker to collect it at the source from the feller
+who is foolish enough to give up his money that way."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But that wouldn't be a
+personal-extravagance tax, Abe. That's what I would call a tax on
+personal cowardice. It's the kind of a tax the government could soak a
+feller which 'ain't got enough backbone to say 'No' when a head waiter
+suggests celery and olives at seventy-five cents a throw."</p>
+
+<p>"Whatever it is, I'm in favor of it, Mawruss," Abe said. "Also it should
+ought to be collected from the feller who lets the barber get away with
+ten cents extra for a teaspoonful of hair tonic, and as for face
+massages, there should be a flat rate of five dollars for each
+offense."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>Aber</i> don't you think that a face massage is its own punishment, Abe?"
+Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"So is attempting suicide," Abe said. "But people go to jail for it,
+Mawruss."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, anyhow, before the government goes to work and taxes people for
+that part of their income which they spend foolishly, Abe," Morris said,
+"they should get busy under the present income-tax law and prevent
+anybody from getting away with anything under '<span class="smcap">J. General
+Deductions</span>' by claiming a drawback or bad debts arising out of
+personal loans, which the government is losing thousands and thousands
+of dollars on many a week-kneed business man who knew when he loaned the
+money to his wife's relations that he would never even have the nerve
+enough to ask them to renew their notes even. Then there is other
+business men which has got a lot of customers on their books who
+couldn't get credit except by paying such a high price for their goods
+that if they bust up there would still be a profit, even if they settled
+for thirty cents on the dollar, and when them business men start to make
+up their income-tax returns they don't hesitate for a moment to charge
+off the balance under '<span class="smcap">B. Bad Debts Arising from Sales</span> (See
+instructions).'"</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose such business men clears their consciences with the thought
+that if they had lost the money legitimately playing pinochle, Mawruss,
+the government wouldn't let them deduct a cent," Abe suggested. "And in
+a way, Mawruss, they are right, because while you couldn't charge<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> off
+pinochle losses, I understand Mr. McAdoo holds that you've got to pay
+income tax on pinochle profits."</p>
+
+<p>"That only goes to show how much Mr. McAdoo knows about pinochle, Abe,"
+Morris said, "because unless, <i>Gott soll huten</i>, a feller should drop
+dead immediately after he cashes in his chips, y'understand, money which
+you win at pinochle ain't an asset, Abe, it's a loan, and sooner or
+later you are going to pay it back with interest."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>You</i> argue with Mr. McAdoo!" Abe advised him. "Why, as I understand
+it, if you are having the game up at your own house, Mawruss, and you
+happen to draw out ahead you ain't even allowed to deduct nothing for
+electric light and the delicatessen supper, so strict the government
+is."</p>
+
+<p>"But do you mean to say that if you have a regular Saturday-night
+pinochle game and you make a few dollars one Saturday night and drop it
+the next and so forth, Abe, that the government wouldn't allow you to
+deduct your losings from your winnings?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"That's the idee," Abe said. "When you cash in at the end of each game,
+Mawruss, that constitutes a separate transaction under '<span class="smcap">H. Other
+Income</span> (including income from partnerships, fiduciaries, except
+that reported under E, F, and G),' and you don't get no allowances for
+nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that settles it," Morris said. "For the fiscal year January
+first, nineteen eighteen, to December thirty-first, nineteen eighteen, I
+play<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> pinochle two-handed with my wife, Abe, and then I've always got
+the come-back that I answered 'No' to question eight, 'Did your wife (or
+husband) or dependent children derive income from sources independent of
+your own?'"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think that Mr. McAdoo would hold that you've got to report
+money which you win from your wife," Abe said.</p>
+
+<p>"Why not?" Morris asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Because Mr. McAdoo is a married man himself, Mawruss, and he knows that
+such moneys ain't income," Abe concluded. "They're paper profits, and
+you never collect on them."</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>THE END</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Worrying Won't Win, by Montague Glass
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,6202 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Worrying Won't Win, by Montague Glass
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Worrying Won't Win
+
+Author: Montague Glass
+
+Release Date: August 3, 2010 [EBook #33335]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WORRYING WON'T WIN ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Shell, Graeme Mackreth and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: See p. 173
+
+"And the only kick they've got, Mawruss," Abe said, "is that President
+Wilson won't expose his hand, which, if he did, he might just so well
+throw the game to Germany and be done with it."]
+
+
+
+
+WORRYING WON'T WIN
+
+BY
+
+MONTAGUE GLASS
+
+ILLUSTRATED
+
+HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS NEW YORK AND LONDON
+
+WORRYING WON'T WIN
+
+Copyright, 1918, by Harper & Brothers
+
+Printed in the United States of America
+
+Published May, 1918
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+ CHAP.                                                            PAGE
+
+ I. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE CZAR
+ BUSINESS                                                              1
+
+ II. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON SOAP-BOXERS
+ AND PEACE FELLERS                                                    10
+
+ III. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON FINANCING THE
+ WAR                                                                  20
+
+ IV. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON BERNSTORFF'S
+ EXPENSE ACCOUNT                                                      30
+
+ V. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS ON THE
+ FRONT PAGE AND OFF                                                   40
+
+ VI. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON HOOVERIZING
+ THE OVERHEAD                                                         49
+
+ VII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS                        58
+
+ VIII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON LORDNORTHCLIFFING
+ VERSUS COLONELHOUSING                                                68
+
+ IX. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON NATIONAL MUSIC
+ AND NATIONAL CURRENCY                                                77
+
+ X. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON REVOLUTIONIZING
+ THE REVOLUTION BUSINESS                                              86
+
+ XI. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE SUGAR
+ QUESTION                                                             96
+
+ XII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS HOW TO
+ PUT THE SPURT IN THE EXPERT                                         106
+
+ XIII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON BEING AN OPTICIAN
+ AND LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE                                      115
+
+ XIV. THE LIQUOR QUESTION--SHALL IT BE DRY
+ OR EXTRA DRY?                                                       124
+
+ XV. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON PEACE WITH
+ VICTORY AND WITHOUT BROKERS, EITHER                                 133
+
+ XVI. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON KEEPING IT
+ DARK                                                                142
+
+ XVII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE PEACE PROGRAM,
+ INCLUDING THE ADDED EXTRA FEATURE
+ AND THE SUPPER TURN                                                 151
+
+ XVIII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE NEW NATIONAL
+ HOLIDAYS                                                            160
+
+ XIX. MR. WILSON: THAT'S ALL                                         169
+
+ XX. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE GRAND-OPERA
+ BUSINESS                                                            177
+
+ XXI. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE MAGAZINE
+ IN WAR-TIMES                                                        186
+
+ XXII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON SAVING DAYLIGHT,
+ COAL, AND BREATH                                                    195
+
+ XXIII. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS WHY IS A
+ PLAY-GOER?                                                          204
+
+ XXIV. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS SOCIETY--NEW
+ YORK, HUMAN, AND AMERICAN                                           213
+
+ XXV. POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THIS HERE
+ INCOME TAX                                                          222
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+"And the only kick they've got, Mawruss," Abe
+said, "is that President Wilson won't expose
+his hand, which, if he did, he might
+just so well throw the game to Germany
+and be done with it."                                       _Frontispiece_
+
+"I bet yer over half a czar's morning mail already
+is circulars from casket concerns
+alone, Abe."                                            _Facing p._      2
+
+"'So,' Mrs. Hoover says, 'you had one of them
+sixty-cent table-d'hote lunches to-day again,
+and now of course you 'ain't got no appetite.
+How many times did I tell you you
+shouldn't eat that poison?'"                              "             50
+
+"Perhaps it's because this here Lord George and
+King George is related maybe," Morris suggested.
+"I don't think so," Abe replied.
+"The name is only a quincidence."                         "             60
+
+"'Well, if we are such big experts on machine-guns,
+we should ought to know a whole lot
+more about machine-guns as Colonel Lewis,
+and what does that _Schlemiel_ know about
+machine-guns, _anyway_?'"                                 "            108
+
+"And five minutes after the jury had returned a
+verdict would be on his way up to the Matteawan
+Asylum for the Criminal Insane."                          "            152
+
+"Take, for instance, sopranos, and they come in
+two classes. There is the soprano which
+hollers murder police and they call her a
+dramatic soprano. And then again there is
+the soprano which gargles. That is a coloratura
+soprano."                                                 "            180
+
+"For instance, who is it that says whole-wheat
+bread irritates the lining from the elementry
+canal? The ignorant man? _Oser!_"                         "            202
+
+
+
+
+WORRYING WON'T WIN
+
+
+
+
+WORRYING WON'T WIN
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE CZAR BUSINESS
+
+   Like the human-hair business and the green-goods business it is not
+   what it used to be.
+
+
+"Yes, Abe," Morris Perlmutter said to his partner, Abe Potash, as they
+sat in their office one morning in September, "the English language is
+practically a brand-new article since the time when I used to went to
+night school. In them days when a feller says he is feeling like a king,
+it meant that he was feeling like a king, _aber_ to-day yet, if a feller
+says he feels like a king it means that he's got stomach and domestic
+trouble and that he don't know where the money is coming from to pay his
+next week's laundry bill. Czars is the same way, too. Former times when
+you called a feller a regular czar you meant he was a regular czar,
+_aber_ nowadays if you say somebody is a regular czar it means that the
+poor feller couldn't call his soul his own and that he must got to do
+what everybody from the shipping-clerk up tells him to do with no back
+talk."
+
+"Well, it only goes to show, Mawruss," Abe commented. "There was a czar,
+y'understand, which for years was not only making out pretty good as a
+czar, y'understand, but had really as you might say been doing something
+phenomenal yet. In fact, Mawruss, if three years ago R.G. Dun or
+Bradstreet would give it a rating to czars and people in similar lines,
+y'understand, compared with the czar already, an old-established house
+like Hapsburg's in Vienna would be rated N. to Q., Credit Four, see
+foot-note. And to-day, Mawruss, where _is_ he?"
+
+"Say," Morris protested, "any one could have reverses, Abe, because it
+don't make no difference if it would be a czar _oder_ a pants
+manufacturer, and they both had ratings like John B. Rockafellar even,
+along comes two or three bad seasons like the czar had it, y'understand,
+and the most you could hope for would be thirty cents on the dollar--ten
+cents cash and the balance in notes at three, six, and nine months,
+indorsed by a grand duke who has got everything he owns in his wife's
+name and 'ain't spent an evening at home with her since way before the
+Crimean War already."
+
+"What happened to the Czar, Mawruss," Abe said, "bad seasons didn't done
+it. Not reckoning quick assets, like crowns actually in stock,
+fixtures, etc., the feller must of owned a couple million _versts_
+high-grade real property, to say nothing of his life insurance,
+Mawruss."
+
+[Illustration: "I bet yer over half a czar's morning mail already is
+circulars from casket concerns alone, Abe."]
+
+"Czars and life insurance ain't in the same dictionary at all, Abe,"
+Morris interrupted. "In the insurance business, Abe, czars comes under
+the same head as aviators with heart trouble, y'understand. I bet yer
+over half a czar's morning mail already is circulars from casket
+concerns alone, Abe, so that only goes to show how much you know from
+czars."
+
+"Well, I know this much, anyhow," Abe continued. "What put the Czar out
+of business, didn't happen this season or last season neither, Mawruss.
+It dates back already twenty years ago, which you can take it from me,
+Mawruss, it don't make no difference what line a feller would be
+in--czars wholesale, czars retail, or czars' supplies and sundries,
+including bombproof underwear and the Little Wonder Poison Detector,
+y'understand, the moment such a feller marries into the family of his
+nearest competitor, Mawruss, he might just as well go down to a lawyer's
+office and hand him the names he wants inserted in Schedule A Three of
+his petition in bankruptcy."
+
+"Did the Czar marry into such a family?" Morris asked.
+
+"A question!" Abe exclaimed. "Didn't you know that the Czar's wife is
+the Kaiser's mother's sister's daughter?"
+
+"Say!" Morris retorted. "I didn't even know that the Kaiser _had_ a
+mother. From the heart that feller's got it, you might suppose he was
+raised in an incubator and that the only parents he ever knew was a
+couple of packages absorbent cotton and an alcohol-lamp."
+
+"Well, that's what I am telling you, Mawruss," Abe said. "With all the
+millionaires in Russland which would be tickled to pieces to get a czar
+for a son-in-law, y'understand, the feller goes to work and ties up to a
+family with somebody like the Kaiser in it, and you know as well as I
+do, Mawruss, one crook in your wife's family can stick you worser than
+all your poor relations put together."
+
+"Even when your wife's relations are honest, what _is_ it?" Morris
+asked.
+
+"_Gewiss!_" Abe agreed. "And can you imagine when such a crook _in_-law
+is also your biggest competitor? I bet yer, Mawruss, the poor _nebich_
+wasn't home from his honeymoon yet before the Kaiser starts in cutting
+prices on him."
+
+"Cutting prices was the least," Morris said. "Take Bulgaria, for
+instance, and up to a few years ago that was one of the Czar's best
+selling territories. In fact, Abe, whenever the Czar stops off at
+Sophia, him and the King of Bulgaria takes coffee together, such good
+friends they was."
+
+"Who is Sophia?" Abe asked. "_Also_ a relative of the Kaiser?"
+
+"Sophia is the name of one big town in Bulgaria," Morris replied.
+
+"That's a name for a big town--Sophia," Abe remarked. "Why don't they
+call it Lillian Russell and be done with it?"
+
+"They could call it Williamsburg for all the business the Czar done
+there after the Kaiser got in his fine work," Morris said.
+
+"And after all, what good did it done him?" Abe added. "Because you know
+as well as I do, Mawruss, the Kaiser ain't two jumps ahead of the
+sheriff himself. In fact, Mawruss, the king business is to-day like the
+human-hair business and the green-goods business. It's practically a
+thing of the past."
+
+"Did I say it wasn't?" Morris asked.
+
+"Being a king ain't a business no more, Mawruss. It's just a job," Abe
+continued, "and it's a metter of a few months now when the only kings
+left will be, so to speak, journeymen kings like the King of England and
+the King of Belgium and not boss kings like the King of Austria and the
+Kaiser. Why, right now, that Germany is his store, and that the poor
+Germans _nebich_ is just salespeople; and he figures that if he wants to
+close out his stock and fixtures at a sacrifice and at the same time
+work his salespeople to death, what is that _their_ business,
+y'understand."
+
+"Well, that's the way the Czar figured," Morris commented. "For, Abe,
+the Kaiser has got an idee years already he was running Russland on the
+open-shop principle, and before he woke up to the fact that the people
+he had been treating right straight along as non-union labor was really
+the majority stockholders, y'understand, they had changed the
+combination of the safe on him and notified the bank that on and after
+said date all checks would be signed by Jacob M. Kerensky as receiver."
+
+"You would think a feller like the Czar would learn something by what
+happened to this here Mellen of the New Haven Railroad," Abe said.
+
+"_Yow_ learn!" Morris replied. "Is the Kaiser learning something from
+what they done to the Czar?"
+
+"That's a different matter entirely," Abe retorted. "With a relation by
+marriage, you naturally figure if he makes a big success that he fell in
+soft and that a lucky stiff like him if he gets shot with a gun,
+y'understand, the bullet is from gold and it hits him in the pocket yet;
+whereas, if he goes broke and 'ain't got a cent left in the world,
+y'understand, it's a case of what could you expect from a _Schlemiel_
+like that. So instead of learning anything from what happens to the
+Czar, I bet yer the Kaiser feels awful sore at him yet. Why, I don't
+suppose a day passes without the Kaiser's wife comes to him and says,
+'Listen, Popper, Esther (or whatever the Czar's wife's name is) called
+me up again this morning; she says Nicholas 'ain't got no work nor
+nothing and she was crying something terrible.'
+
+"'Well, if she's going to keep on crying till I find that loafer a job,'
+the Kaiser says, 'she's got a long wet spell ahead of her.'
+
+"'She don't want you to find him no job,' the Kaiser's wife tells him.
+'All she asks is you should send 'em transportation.'
+
+"'Transportation _nothing_!' the Kaiser says. 'I already sent
+transportation to the King of Greece, Ambassador Bernstorff, Doctor
+Dernburg, this here boy Ed _und Gott weisst wer nach_. What am I? The
+Pennsylvania Railroad or something?'
+
+"'Well, what is he going to do 'way out there in Tobolsk?' she says.
+
+"'If he would only of acted reasonable and killed off a couple million
+of them suckers, the way any other king would do, he never would of had
+to go to Tobolsk at all,' the Kaiser says.
+
+"'_Aber_ what shall I say to her if she rings up again?' she asks.
+
+"'Say what you please,' the Kaiser answers her, 'but tell Central I
+wouldn't pay no reverse charges under no circumstances whatsoever from
+nowheres.'"
+
+"And who told _you_ all this, Abe?" Morris asked.
+
+"Nobody," Abe replied. "I figured it out for myself."
+
+"Well, you figured wrong, then," Morris said. "The Kaiser don't act that
+way. He ain't human enough, and, furthermore, Abe, the Kaiser don't talk
+over the telephone, neither, because if he did, y'understand, it's a
+cinch that sooner or later the court physician would be giving out the
+cause of death as shock from being connected up with the electric-light
+plant by party or parties unknown and Long Live Kaiser Schmooel the
+Second--or whatever the Crown Prince's rotten name is."
+
+"Any one who done such a thing in the hopes of making a change for the
+better, Mawruss," Abe commented, "would certainly be jumping from the
+frying-pan into the soup, because if the Germans got rid of the Kaiser
+in favor of the Crown Prince it would be a case of discarding a king and
+drawing a deuce."
+
+"Sure I know," Morris said, "but what the Germans need is a new deal all
+around. As the game stands now in Germany, Abe, only a limited few sits
+in, while the rest of the country hustles the refreshments and pays for
+the lights and the cigars, and they're such a poor-spirited bunch,
+y'understand, that they 'ain't got nerve enough to suggest a kitty,
+even."
+
+"Well, it's too late for them to start a kitty now, Mawruss," Abe said.
+"Which you could take it from me, Mawruss, the house is going to be
+pulled 'most any day. Several million husky cops is going up the front
+stoop right this minute, Mawruss, and while they may have a little
+trouble with them--now--ice-box style of doors, it's only a question of
+time when they would back up the patrol-wagon, y'understand, because if
+the Germans wouldn't close up the game of their own accord, Mawruss, the
+Allies must got to do it _for_ them."
+
+"But the Germans don't want us to help 'em," Morris said. "They're
+perfectly satisfied as they are."
+
+"I know it," Abe said. "They're a nation of shipping-clerks, Mawruss.
+They're in a rut, y'understand. They've all got rotten jobs and they're
+scared to death that they're going to lose them. Also the boss works
+them like dawgs and makes their lives miserable, y'understand, and yet
+they're trembling in their pants for fear he is going to bust up on
+them."
+
+"Then I guess it's up to us Allies to show them poor _Chamorrim_ how
+they could be bosses for themselves," Morris suggested.
+
+"Sure it is," Abe concluded, "and next year in Tobolsk when the Kaiser
+joins his relations by marriage, Mawruss, he's going to pick up the
+_Tobolsker Freie Presse_ some morning and see where there has been
+incorporated at last the _Deutsche Allgemeine Wohlfahrtfabrik_, with a
+capital of a hundred billion marks, to take over the business of the
+K.K. Manufacturing Company, and he's going to say the same as everybody
+else: 'Well, what do you know about them Heinies? I never thought they
+had it in them.'"
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON SOAP-BOXERS AND PEACE FELLERS
+
+   There is some of them peace fellers which ain't so much scared as
+   they are contrary.
+
+
+"People 'ain't begun to realize yet what this war really and truly
+means, Mawruss," Abe Potash said as he finished reading an interview
+with ex-Ambassador Gerard, in which the ex-ambassador said that people
+had not yet begun to realize what the war really meant.
+
+"Maybe they don't," Morris Perlmutter agreed, "but for every feller
+which 'ain't begun to realize what this war really and truly means, Abe,
+there is a hundred other fellers which 'ain't begun to realize what a
+number of people there is which goes round saying that people 'ain't
+begun to realize what this war really and truly means, y'understand.
+Also, Abe, the same people is going round begging people which is just
+as patriotic as they are that they should brace up and be patriotic,
+y'understand, and they are pulling pledges to hold up the hands of the
+President on other people who has got similar pledges in their breast
+pockets and pretty near beats 'em to it, understand me, and that's the
+way it goes."
+
+"Well, if one time out of a hundred they strike somebody who really and
+truly don't realize what the war means, like you, Mawruss," Abe began,
+"why, then, their time ain't entirely wasted, neither."
+
+"I realize just so much as you do what this war means, Abe," Morris
+retorted.
+
+"Maybe you do," Abe admitted, "but you don't talk like you did, Mawruss,
+otherwise you would know that if out of a hundred Americans only
+ninety-nine of 'em pledges themselves to hold up the hands of the
+President, y'understand, and the balance of one claims that we are in
+this war just to save our investments in Franco-American bonds and that
+Mr. Wilson is every bit as bad as the Kaiser except that he's
+clean-shaved, y'understand, then them ninety-nine fellers with the
+pledges in their breast pockets should ought to convert the balance of
+one. Because, Mawruss, a nation which is ninety-nine per cent. patriotic
+is like a fish which is ninety-nine per cent. fresh--all you can notice
+is the one per cent. which smells bad."
+
+"I am just so much in favor of the country being one hundred per cent.
+American as you are, Abe," Morris said, "but what I claim is that we
+should go about it _right_."
+
+"If you mean we shouldn't argue with them one-per-centers, but send them
+right back to that part of the old country which they come from
+originally, Mawruss," Abe continued, "why, I am agreeable that they
+should be shipped right away, F.O.B., N.Y., all deliveries subject to
+delay and liability being limited to fifty dollars personal baggage in
+case they should, please Gawd, fail to arrive in Europe."
+
+"Sure I know," Morris agreed. "But pretty near all them one-per-centers
+was born and raised in the United States or in Saint Louis, Wisconsin,
+and Cincinnati. You take this here _Burgermeister_ of Chicago, for
+instance, and the chances is that all he knows about the old country is
+what he learned on a couple of visits to Milwaukee, y'understand. So how
+could you export a feller like that?"
+
+"I don't want to export him, Mawruss. All I would like to see is that
+they should put an embargo on him," Abe said, "and on his friends, them
+peace fellers, too."
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," Morris commented, "about them peace fellers, you
+couldn't blame 'em exactly, because you know how it is with some people:
+they 'ain't got no control over their feelings, and if they're scared to
+death, y'understand, they couldn't help showing it, which my poor
+grandmother, _olav hasholom_, wouldn't allow me to keep so much as a
+pea-shooter in the house, on account, she says, if the good Lord wills
+it, even a broomstick could give fire."
+
+"And yet, Mawruss, if burglars would of broke into her home, I bet you
+she would grabbed the nearest flat-iron and went for 'em with it," Abe
+said, "so don't insult your grandmother _selig_ by comparing her with
+them peace fellers which they _oser_ care how many burglars is johnnying
+the front door just so long as they could hide under the bed."
+
+"At the same time, Abe, there is some of them peace fellers which ain't
+so much scared as they are contrary, y'understand," Morris said. "Take
+this here LaFollette, Abe, and that feller's motto is, 'My country--I
+think she's always wrong--but right or wrong--that's my opinion and I
+stick to it.' All a United States Senator has got to do is to look like
+he is preparing to say something, y'understand, and before he can get
+out so much as 'Brother President and fellow-members of this
+organization,' LaFollette jumps up and says, 'I'm sorry, but I disagree
+with you.'"
+
+"That must make him pretty popular in the Senate," Abe remarked.
+
+"Popular's no name for it," Morris continued. "There ain't a United
+States Senator which wouldn't stand willing to dig down and pay for a
+set of engrossed resolutions out of his own pocket, just so long as
+Senator LaFollette would resign or something."
+
+"But Senator LaFollette ain't one of them peace fellers, Mawruss," Abe
+said.
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris replied. "All he wants is to run the war
+according to Cushing's _Manual_. If he had his way we wouldn't be able
+to give an order for so much as one-twelfth dozen guns, y'understand,
+without it come up in the form of a motion that it is regularly moved
+and seconded that the Secretary of War be and he is hereby authorized to
+order the same and all those in favor will signify the same by saying
+aye, y'understand, and even then, Abe, him and Senator Vardaman would
+call for a show of hands under Section Twelve, Subsection D, of the
+by-laws."
+
+"Then I suppose if a few thousand American soldiers gets killed on
+account they 'ain't got the right kind of guns, Mawruss, we could lay it
+to Section Twelve, Subsection D, of the by-laws," Abe suggested.
+
+"And you could give some of them Senators credit for an assist, Abe,
+because you take a Senator like that, Abe, and when he holds up the
+ammunition supply with a two-hour speech, y'understand, he _oser_
+worries his head how many American soldiers is going to be killed by the
+Germans in France six months later, just so long as his own name is
+spelled right by the newspapers in New York City next morning."
+
+"It would help a whole lot, Mawruss," Abe said, "if Senators and
+Congressmen was numbered the same like automobiles, y'understand,
+because who is going to waste his breath arguing that the Senate should
+pass a law which it's a pipe the Senate ain't going to pass, on account
+that nobody is in favor of it except himself and a couple of other
+Senators temporarily absent on the road, making Fargo, Minneapolis,
+Chicago, and points east as traveling peace conventioners,
+y'understand, when he knows that next morning the only notice the New
+York newspapers will take of his _Geschrei_ will be, Among those who
+spoke in the Senate yesterday was:
+
+ D 105-666 WIS
+ 1917
+
+ 2016 PA.
+ 1917
+
+ COMMERCIAL
+ 01-232 N.Y.
+ 1917
+
+"Well, there's plenty of people which thinks when Governor Lauben
+wouldn't let them peace fellers run off their convention, y'understand,
+that it was unconstitutional," Morris said.
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "They're the same people which thinks that
+anything what helps us and hinders Germany is unconstitutional,
+including the Constitution. You take them socialist orators, which the
+only use they've got for soap is the boxes the soap comes in,
+y'understand, and to hear them talk you would think that the Kaiser sunk
+the _Lusitania_ pursuant to Article Sixty-one, Section Two, of the
+Constitution of the United States, Mawruss, whereas when President
+Wilson sends a message to Congress asking them when they are going to
+get busy on the war taxes and what do they think this is, anyway--a
+_Kaffeklatsch_, y'understand--it is all kinds of violations of Articles
+Sixteen, Thirty-two, O.K. and C.O.D. of the Constitution and that the
+American people is a lot of weak-livered curs to stand for it, outside
+of being weak-livered curs, anyway."
+
+"You mean to say we allow these here fellers to get up on soap-boxes and
+say such things like that?" Morris exclaimed.
+
+"We've _got_ to allow them," Abe replied. "The Constitution protects
+them."
+
+"What do you mean--the Constitution protects them?" Morris said. "Here a
+couple of weeks ago a judge in North Carolina gives out a decision that
+the Constitution don't protect little children eleven years old from
+being made to work in factories, y'understand, and now you are trying to
+tell me that the same Constitution does protect these here loafers! What
+kind of a Constitution have we got, anyway?"
+
+"I don't know, Mawruss, but there's this much about it, anyhow--a lawyer
+could get more money out of just one board of directors which wants to
+go ahead and put through the deal if under the Constitution of the
+United States nobody could do 'em nothing, y'understand, than he could
+out of all the children which gets injured working in all the
+cotton-mills south of Mason and Hamlin's line, understand me. So you
+see, Mawruss, the Constitution not only protects these here soap-box
+orators, but it also gives 'em something to talk about because when they
+want to knock the United States and boost Germany, all they need to say
+is that you've got to hand it to the Germans; if they kill little
+children, they're, anyhow, foreign children and not German children."
+
+"I suppose a lot of them soap-box orators gets paid by the German
+government for boosting the Germans the way you just done it, Abe,"
+Morris commented, "which I see that this here Ridder of the _New Yorker
+Staats-Zeitung_ gives it out that any one what accuses him that he is
+getting paid by the German government for boosting the Kaiser in his
+paper would got to stand a suit for liable, because he is too patriotic
+an American sitson to print articles boosting the Kaiser except as a
+matter of friendship and free of charge--outside of what he can make by
+syndicating them to other German newspapers."
+
+"But do them other German newspapers get paid by the German government
+for reprinting Mr. Ridder's articles?" Abe asked.
+
+"_That_ Mr. Ridder don't say," Morris replied.
+
+"Well," Abe continued, "_somebody_ should ought to appreciate the way
+them German newspapers love the Kaiser, even if it's only a United
+States District Attorney, Mawruss, because you take it if the shoe
+pinched on the other foot, and a feller by the name Jefferson W. Rider
+was running an American newspaper in Berlin, Germany, by the name, we
+would say, for example, the _Berlin_, _Germany_, _Star-Gazette_, which
+is heart and soul for Germany and at the same time prints articles by
+American military experts showing how Germany couldn't win the war, not
+in a million years, and the sooner the German soldiers realize it the
+quicker they wouldn't get killed for such a hopeless _Geschaft_,
+y'understand. Also, nobody has a greater admiration for the Kaiser than
+the _Berlin_, _Germany_, _Star-Gazette_, understand me, but that if the
+Kaiser thinks President Wilson is a tyrant, y'understand, then all the
+_Star-Gazette_ has got to say is, some day when the Kaiser is fixing the
+ends of his mustache in front of the glass mit candlegrease or whatever
+such _Chamorrim_ uses on their mustaches to make themselves look like
+kaisers, y'understand, that the Kaiser should take another look in the
+mirror and he would see there such a cutthroat tyrant which President
+Wilson never dreamed of being in Princeton University to the
+shipping-clerk, even. Also this here _Berlin_, _Germany_, _Star-Gazette_
+says that Germany is the land of bluff and that--"
+
+"One moment," Morris Perlmutter interrupted. "What are you trying to
+tell me--that such a newspaper would be allowed to exist in Berlin,
+Germany?"
+
+"I am only giving you a hypo-critical case, Mawruss," Abe continued,
+"where I am trying to explain to you that if this was Germany it
+wouldn't be necessary for Mr. Ridder to sue anybody for liable. All he
+would have to do when they ask him if he's got anything to say why
+sentence should not be passed, y'understand, is to tell the judge what
+was his trade before he became an editor, understand me, and they would
+put him to work at it for the remainder of the war."
+
+"He wouldn't get off so easy as that, even," Morris commented. "Why,
+what do you suppose they would do to the editor of this here, for
+example, _Star-Gazette_ if he was to just so much as hint that the Crown
+Prince couldn't be such a terrible good judge of French chateau
+furniture, y'understand, on account he had slipped over on the Berlin
+antique dealers a lot of reproductions which they had every right to
+believe was genwine old stuff, as it had been rescued from the flames,
+packed, and shipped under the Crown Prince's personal supervision? I bet
+you, Abe, if the paper was on the streets at three-thirty and the sun
+rose at three-thirty-five, y'understand, the authorities wouldn't wait
+that long. They'd shoot him at three-thirty-two."
+
+"I know it," Abe agreed. "You see, Mawruss, an editor, a soap-boxer, a
+cotton-mill owner, or a stock-waterer might get away with it in this
+country under the Constitution, but over on the other side they wouldn't
+know what he was talking about at all, because in Germany, Mawruss, a
+constitution means only one thing. It's something that can be ruined by
+drinking too much beer, and you don't have to hire no lawyer for
+_that_."
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON FINANCING THE WAR
+
+   On everything which a feller buys, from pinochle decks to headache
+   medicine, he will have to put a stamp.
+
+
+"I see where this here Chump Clark says that incomes from over ten
+thousand dollars should ought to be confiscated," Abe Potash observed to
+his partner, Morris Perlmutter, one morning in September.
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris replied, "and if this here Chump Clark has a good
+year next year and cleans up for a net profit of ten thousand two
+hundred and twenty-six dollars and thirty-five cents, then he'll claim
+that all incomes over ten thousand two hundred and twenty-six dollars
+and thirty-five cents should ought to be confiscated, Abe, and that's
+the way it goes. I am the same way, Abe. Any one what makes more money
+as I do, Abe, I 'ain't got no sympathy for at all."
+
+"I bet yer Vincent Astor thinks that John B. Rockafellar should ought to
+be satisfied mit the reasonable income which a feller could make it by
+working hard at the real-estate business the way Vincent Astor does,"
+Abe commented.
+
+"John B. Rockafellar _oser_ worries his head over the ravings of a
+protelariat," Morris said. "But, anyhow, Abe, there's a whole lot to
+what this here Chump Clark says at that. If we compel men to give up
+their lives for their country, why shouldn't we compel them fellers
+which has got incomes of over ten thousand dollars to give up their
+property for their country also?"
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss," Abe replied. "This here Chump Clark is a
+Congressman, and the way I feel about it is, that when a Congressman
+wants to say something in Congress, y'understand, he should ought to be
+compelled to first submit it in writing to a certified public accountant
+or, anyhow, a bookkeeper, y'understand, because the average Congressman
+'ain't got no head for figures. Take Mr. Clark, for example, and when he
+reckons that everybody which gets drafted is going to give up his life
+for his country, y'understand, you don't got to be the head actuary of
+the Equitable exactly in order to figure it out that he's made a
+tremendous overestimate. So when the same feller talks about
+confiscating incomes over ten thousand, it ain't necessary to ask how he
+come to fix on ten thousand instead of five thousand or fifteen
+thousand, because whether he tossed for it or dealt himself three cold
+hands, and the hand representing ten thousand dollars won out with treys
+full of deuces, y'understand, the information ain't going to help us
+finance the war to any extent."
+
+"Why not?" Morris asked.
+
+"Because you take yourself, for instance, and we would say for the sake
+of argument that in nineteen seventeen you turned over a new leaf and
+worked so hard that you made fifteen thousand five hundred dollars."
+
+"Listen, Abe," Morris interrupted, "if there is a new leaf coming to any
+one around here, Abe, I wouldn't mention no names for the sake of an
+argument or otherwise."
+
+"All right," Abe said, "then we'll say you didn't work no harder, but
+just the same, Mawruss, if you was to make fifteen thousand five hundred
+dollars in nineteen seventeen, and this here Chump Clark gets the
+government to confiscate fifty-five hundred dollars on you, how much
+would they confiscate on you in nineteen eighteen?"
+
+Morris shrugged his shoulders. "What is the use of talking pipe dreams?"
+he said.
+
+"I ain't talking pipe dreams," Abe retorted. "This is something which
+not only Chump Clark suggested it, but Senator LaFollette also as a good
+scheme for financing the war."
+
+"Evidently they don't expect the war to last long," Morris commented,
+"which the most the government could hope to collect is the excess
+income for nineteen seventeen, because if the government confiscates
+five thousand five hundred dollars on me in nineteen seventeen, am I
+going to go around in the summer of nineteen eighteen beefing about
+business being rotten because here it is the first of July, nineteen
+eighteen, and so far all the government could confiscate on me is two
+thousand two hundred and sixty-seven dollars and thirty-eight cents,
+whereas on July first, nineteen seventeen, I had already got confiscated
+on me two thousand four hundred and thirty-one dollars and fifty cents?
+_Oser a Stueck!_ If I have made ten thousand dollars as early as April
+first, nineteen eighteen, and I know that all further profits for
+nineteen eighteen is going to be confiscated by the government,
+y'understand, right then and there I am going to shut up shop and paste
+a notice on the door:
+
+ GONE TO LUNCH
+
+ WILL RETURN
+ JANUARY 2, 1919
+
+and anybody else would do the same, Abe, I don't care if he would be as
+patriotic as Senator LaFollette himself even."
+
+"But that ain't the only idees for financing the war which Congress has
+got it, Mawruss," Abe said. "On everything which a feller buys, from
+pinochle decks to headache medicine, he will have to put a stamp. There
+will be extra stamps on all kinds of checks from bank checks and poker
+checks to bar checks and hat checks. There will be red stamps, blue
+stamps, and stamps in all pastel shades, and when they run out of colors
+they'll print 'em in black and white and issue them to the public in
+flavors like wintergreen, peppermint, spearmint, and clove for bar-check
+stamps and strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate nut Sunday for
+theayter-ticket stamps."
+
+"For my part they could flavor 'em with _gefullte Miltz mit Knockerl_,
+because I got through buying orchestra seats when they begun to tax you
+two dollars and fifty cents for them, Abe, which if the government
+really and truly wants to raise money by taxing the public, why do they
+fool away their time asking suggestions from such new beginners like
+LaFollette and Chump Clark, when right here in New York there is fellers
+in the restaurant business, the theayter business, and running hat-check
+stands which has made taxing the public a life study already. For
+instance, if I would be the government and I wanted to tax theayter
+tickets, instead of monkeying around with stamps for twenty or thirty
+cents, y'understand, I would put a head waiter by the box-office window,
+and when the public is through paying for their tickets he gives them
+one look, y'understand, and they just naturally hand him a dollar."
+
+"What I couldn't understand is why should the government pick on people
+which goes to theayter for amusement," Abe said. "Ain't it enough that
+in order to hold my trade I've got to sit for three hours listening to a
+lot of nonsense when I could hardly keep my eyes open, but I must also
+get writer's cramp in my tongue from licking stamps yet just to oblige
+the United States government and a customer from the Middle West, which
+it's a gamble whether he wouldn't return the goods on me even if he does
+give me the order."
+
+"That's what it is to have fellers working as Congressmen which 'ain't
+had no other business experience," Morris declared. "If LaFollette and
+this here Clark knew what they was about, Abe, they would make it a law
+that the _customer_ should buy the stamps, and not alone for theayters,
+but for meals also. You take some of these out-of-town buyers which
+you've practically got to ruin their digestions before they would so
+much as look at your line, y'understand, and if they would got to paste
+a fifty-cent stamp on every broiled lobster they order up on you it
+would go a long way toward taking care of the uniform bills for the
+first draft."
+
+"And they should also got to stand for the tax on gasolene also," Abe
+added. "If you treat one of them grafters to so much as a two-quart
+automobile ride, you've already sacrificed half your profit on a couple
+of garments, even if he does pay for the stamps."
+
+"Cigars is another thing the government could of got a lot of money out
+of," Morris said.
+
+"What do you mean--_could_ of got?" Abe exclaimed. "They _do_ get a lot
+of money out of cigars. You take the average cigar to-day which costs
+sixty dollars a thousand to put on the market, Mawruss, and each cigar
+stands the manufacturer in as follows:
+
+ Advertising                                $.01
+ Printing and lithographing                  .0015
+ Manufacturing and boxing                    .01
+ Swiss chard                                 .005
+ War tax                                     .02
+
+                                           -----
+
+ Total                                      $.06"
+
+"Sure I know," Morris agreed, "but the art about taxing cigars ain't so
+much to sting the feller that manufactures them and the feller that buys
+them as the fellers which accepts them free for nothing. There is a
+whole lot of women's-wear retailers in the Middle West which has got
+quite a reputation for hospitality, because whenever they have a poker
+game up to the house they hand out cigars which cost you and me and
+other garment manufacturers here in New York as much as ninety dollars a
+thousand wholesale. So what I say is that the government should tax
+anybody which accepts a cigar to smoke on the spot ten cents, and for
+every one of them put-it-in-your-pocket-and-smoke-it-after-a-while
+cigars, such a feller should be taxed ten dollars or ten days."
+
+"Well, they'll get a whole lot of money raising postage from two to
+three cents," Abe suggested.
+
+"But not so much as they could get if they was to go about it right,"
+Morris said. "For sending letters which says, 'Inclosed please find
+check in payment of your last month's bill and oblige,' three cents is
+enough for any business man to pay, Abe, and in fact the feller which
+received such a letter shouldn't ought to kick if the Post Office
+Department makes him pay also three cents postage, but there is some
+letters which it should ought to be the law that when a merchant
+received one of them he should right away report the sender to the Post
+Office Department for a special war-tax stamp of from one to a hundred
+dollars. For instance, two dollars extra wouldn't be too much postage
+for a letter where it says, 'Your favor received and contents noted, and
+in reply would say you should be so kind and wait a couple days and I
+would see what I could do toward sending you a check for your March
+bill, as my wife has been sick ever since May fifteenth, and oblige,
+yours truly, The Reliance Store, M. Doober, proprietor.'"
+
+"If all them overdue retailers which is all the time pulling a sick wife
+on their creditors was to be taxed two dollars apiece, Mawruss," Abe
+said, "how much postage do you figure a storekeeper should pay when he
+writes to claim a shortage in delivery before he starts to unpack the
+goods, even. Then there is the feller which, when it don't get below
+zero promptly on the first of November, writes to tell you that he must
+say he is surprised, as the winter-weight garments which you shipped him
+ain't nowheres up to sample and is holding same at your disposal and
+remain, which if the government would come down on him for a hundred
+dollars, he is practically getting off with a warning. And I could think
+of a lot of other excess-postage cases, too, but, as I understand it,
+we are only trying to raise forty billion dollars, Mawruss."
+
+"Don't let that stop you, Abe," Morris said, "because there's going to
+be plenty of extras over and above the original estimate, which I see
+that a lot of South American countries is coming into the war and it's
+only a question of a month or so when we would have calling on us a
+commission from Peru, a commission from Chile, a commission from
+Bolivia, a commission from Paraguay, and all of them with the same
+hard-luck story, that if they only had a couple of billion dollars they
+could put an army of five hundred thousand soldiers into the field, if
+they only had five hundred thousand soldiers."
+
+"Just the same, Mawruss," Abe said, "them countries is going to be a lot
+of help."
+
+"And when we get through paying the help, y'understand, we've still got
+to raise money for the family to live on," Morris said, "so go ahead
+with your suggestion, Abe. Maybe there's some taxes which Congress
+'ain't thought of yet."
+
+"Well, there's this here free speech, which, instead of being free,
+Mawruss, if it was subject to a tax of one dollar per soap-box hour,
+payable strictly in advance, y'understand, so far as the pacifists is
+concerned, you would be able to hear a pin drop. Even Congressmen would
+soon get tired of paying from twenty to twenty-four dollars a day,
+especially if the government made it a stamp tax."
+
+"LaFollette would be covered mit stamps from head to foot," Morris
+remarked.
+
+"That would suit me all right," Abe said, "particularly if the collector
+of internal revenue was to run him with stamps affixed through a
+cancellation-machine and cancel him good and proper."
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON BERNSTORFF'S EXPENSE ACCOUNT
+
+   Here he is coming back from his trip after losing his whole territory
+   to his firm's competitors, and naturally he tries to make a good
+   showing with his expense account.
+
+
+"I see where the government puts a limit on the price which coal-dealers
+could charge for coal," Abe Potash said to his partner, Morris
+Perlmutter.
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said, "but did the coal-dealers see it, because I
+met Felix Geigermann on the Subway this morning, and from the way he
+talked about what the coal-dealers was asking for coal up in Sand
+Plains, where he lives, Abe, I gathered it was somewheres around twenty
+dollars a caret unset."
+
+"_Gott sei dank_ I am living in an apartment mit steam heat and my lease
+has still got two years to run at the same rent," Abe said.
+
+"Well, I hope it's written on good thick paper, and then it'll come in
+handy to wear under your overcoat when you sit home evenings next
+winter, Abe, because by the first of next February janitors will be
+giving coal to the furnace like it would be asperin--from five to ten
+grains every three hours," Morris predicted, "which I will admit that I
+ain't a good enough judge of anthracite coal to tell whether it's
+fireproof, of slow-burning construction, or just the ordinary sprinkled
+risk, y'understand, but I do know coal-dealers, Abe, and if the
+government says they must got to sell coal at seven dollars a ton,
+y'understand, it'll be like buying one of them high-grade automobiles
+where the list price includes only the engine and the two front wheels,
+F.O.B. Detroit. In other words, Abe, if you would buy coal to-day at
+seven dollars a ton you would get a bill something like this:
+
+ To coal               $7.00
+ To loading coal        1.00
+ To unloading coal      1.00
+ To weighing coal       1.00
+ To delivering coal     1.00
+ To dusting off coal    1.00
+
+and you would be playing in luck if you didn't get charged a dollar each
+for tasting coal, smelling coal, feeling coal, and doing anything else
+to coal that a coal-dealer would have the nerve to charge one dollar
+for."
+
+"Well, if I would be the United States government," Abe commented, "and
+had got a practical coal-man like this here Garfield to set a limit of
+seven dollars I wouldn't let them robbers pull no last rounds of
+rang-doodles on me, Mawruss. I'd take away their chips from 'em and put
+'em right out of the game."
+
+"Sure I know, Abe," Morris said, "_aber_ this here Garfield ain't a
+practical coal-man, Abe, and maybe that's the trouble. Mr. Garfield is
+president of Williams College, so you couldn't blame these here
+coal-dealers, because you know as well as I do, Abe, the garment trade
+will certainly put up an awful holler if when it comes to appoint a
+cloak-and-suit administrator Mr. Wilson is going to wish on us some such
+expert as Nicholas Murray Butler _oder_ the president of the Union
+Theological Cemetery."
+
+"At that," Abe said, "I think they'd know more about the price of
+garments than Bernstorff did about the price of Congressmen. I always
+give that feller credit for more sense than that he should try to
+explain an item in his expense account by claiming that
+
+ April 3, 1917, To sundries          $50,000
+
+was what he paid for bribing the United States Congress."
+
+"Well, say!" Morris exclaimed. "The poor feller had to tell 'em
+something, didn't he? Here he is coming back from his trip after losing
+his whole territory to his firm's competitors, and naturally he tries to
+make a good showing with his expense account, which, believe me, Abe, if
+I was a rotten salesman like that, before I would face my employer--and
+_such_ an employer, because that _Rosher_ 'ain't got them spike-end
+mustaches for nothing, Abe--I would first jump in the river, even if my
+expense account showed that I had been staying in a-dollar-and-a-half-a-day
+American-plan hotels and had sat up nights in the smoker for big jumps
+like from Terre Haute to Paducah."
+
+"Can you imagine the way the Kaiser feels?" Abe said. "I suppose at the
+start he was keeping so calm that he bit the end off his fountain pen
+and started to light the cap, and probably took one or two puffs before
+he noticed anything strange about the flavor, because you could easy
+make a mistake like that with a German cigar.
+
+"'_Nu_, Bernstorff,' he says, at last, as he looks at the expense
+account, 'before we take up the matter of this here eight-foot shelf of
+the world's greatest fiction I would like to hear what you got to say
+for yourself, so go ahead mit your lies and make it short.'
+
+"'I suppose you got my letters,' Bernstorff begins, 'the ones I sent you
+through the Swede.'
+
+"'What Swede?' the Kaiser says.
+
+"'Yon Yonson, the second assistant ambassador,' Bernstorff answers. 'I
+told him if he got them letters through for me that you would give him
+an order on the Chancellor for a first-class red eagle, but I guess he'd
+be satisfied with one of them old-rose eagles, Class Four B, that we
+used to have piled up there in the corner of the shipping-room.'
+
+"'I wouldn't even give him an order on Mike, the Popular Berlin Hatter,
+for a two-dollar derby, even,' the Kaiser says. '_Chutzpah!_ Writes me
+letter after letter with nothing but weather reports in 'em, and he
+wants me I should give this here Yonson a red eagle yet which costs me
+thirty-two fifty a dozen wholesale. Seemingly to you, Bernstorff, money
+is nothing.'
+
+"Here the old man grabs ahold of the expense account again.
+
+"'Honestly, Bernstorff,' he says, 'I don't see how you had the heart to
+spend all that money when you know how things are here in Berlin. If me
+and my Gussie sits down once a week to such a piece of meat as
+_gedampfte Brustdeckel mit Kartoffelpfannkuchen_, y'understand, that's
+already a feast for us, and as for chicken, I assure you we 'ain't had
+so much as a soup fowl in the house since my birthday a year ago, and
+you got the nerve to send me in an expense account like this. Aint it a
+shame and a disgrace?
+
+ 1916, May 1. Bolo      $4.00
+           5. Bolo       6.00
+           9. Bolo       3.25
+
+and every other day for week after week you spent on Bolo anywheres from
+one to fifteen dollars. Tell me, Bernstorff, how could a man make such a
+god out of his stomach?'
+
+"'Why, what do you think Bolo is?' Bernstorff asks.
+
+"'I don't _think_ what Bolo is; I _know_ what Bolo is,' the Kaiser tells
+him, and a dreamy look comes into his eyes. 'Many a time I seen my poor
+_Grossmutter olav hasholom_ make it. She used to chop up ten onions,
+five cents' worth parsley, and a big piece _Knoblauch_, add six eggs and
+a half a pound melted butter, and let simmer slowly. Now take your
+chicken and--'
+
+"'All right, Boss, I wouldn't argue with you,' Bernstorff says, 'because
+them amounts represent only the preliminary lunches which I give this
+here Bolo. Further down you would see where he gets the real big money,
+and then I'll explain.'
+
+"'Well, explain this,' the old man says. 'Here under date July second,
+nineteen sixteen, it stand an item:
+
+ To blowing up munitions plant      $10,000
+
+Who did you get to do it? Caruso?'
+
+"'You couldn't blow up a munitions plant and make a first-class job of
+it under ten thousand dollars, Boss,' Bernstorff says.
+
+"'Is _that_ so?' the Kaiser tells him. 'Well, let me tell you something,
+Bernstorff. I've got a pretty good line on what them munitions
+explosions ought to cost. My eldest boy has been blowing up buildings in
+France for over three years now, and for what it costs to blow up a
+factory he could blow up two cathedrals and a chateau.'
+
+"'Have it your own way, Boss,' Bernstorff says, 'but them chateau
+buildings is so old that they're pretty near falling down, anyway.'
+
+"'Don't give me no arguments,' the Kaiser says. 'I suppose you're going
+to tell me these here
+
+ 8 5-12 doz asstd bombs      $3,200
+
+was some Saturday specials you picked up in a bargain basement. What was
+they filled with, rubies?'
+
+"'Bombs is awful high, Boss,' Bernstorff says. 'Ask Dernburg what he
+used to pay for bombs; ask Von Papen; ask this here judge of the New
+York Supreme Court--I forget his name; ask anybody; they would tell you
+the same.'
+
+"'Should I also ask 'em if spies gets paid in America the same like
+stomach specialists in Germany? Look at this:
+
+ To one week's salary 12,235 spies    $1,223,500
+
+What have you been doing, Bernstorff? Keeping a steam-yacht on me and
+charging it up as spies?'
+
+"'Listen, Boss,' Bernstorff says. 'If you would know what an awful
+strong organization spies has got in the United States, instead you
+would be talking to me this way you would be thanking your lucky stars
+that I didn't let 'em run the wage scale up on me no higher than they
+did. Why, before I left Washington a deputation from Local Number One
+Amalgamated Spies of North America comes to see me and--'
+
+"'What the devil you are talking nonsense?' the Kaiser shouts. '_Moost_
+you got to employ union spies? Couldn't you find thousands and thousands
+of non-union spies to work for you?'
+
+"'That only goes to show what you know about America,' Bernstorff says.
+'There's a whole lot of people in America which would stand for blowing
+up factories, sinking passenger-steamers, shooting up hospitals, and
+dropping bombs on kindergartens, y'understand, but when it comes to
+people employing scab labor, they draw the line. And then again, Boss,
+spies is very highly thought of in America. Respectable people, like
+lawyers and doctors, gets arrested every day over there, and even once
+in a while a minister, y'understand, but a spy--_never_!'
+
+"At this point when it looks like plain sailing for Bernstorff, the
+Kaiser picks out that fifty-thousand-dollar item, and right there
+Bernstorff makes his big mistake, for as soon as he starts that
+Congressmen story the old man begins to figure that if Congressmen are
+so cheap and spies so dear, y'understand, the only thing to do is to
+call up the _Polizeiprasidium_ and tell 'em to send around a
+plain-clothes man right away to number Twenty-six A Schloss Platz, ring
+Hohenzollern's bell."
+
+"Then you really think that Bernstorff and Von Papen and all them crooks
+didn't spend the money over here that they claimed they spent," Morris
+said.
+
+"They probably spent it, all right," Abe replied, "but whether or not
+they spent it for what they claimed they spent it _for_, Mawruss, _that_
+I don't know, because if them fellers didn't stop at arson, dynamiting,
+and murder, why should they hesitate at petty larceny?"
+
+"But what them boys did in the way of blowing up munitions plants and
+sinking passenger-steamers was because they loved the Kaiser so much,
+and instead of arresting Bernstorff for the money he spent, Abe, I bet
+yer the Kaiser made him a thirty-second degree passed assistant
+_Geheimrat_ or something," Morris declared.
+
+"Well, there's no accounting for tastes, Mawruss," Abe said, "and if
+these here Germans is willing to slaughter, rob, and burn because they
+are in love with a feller which to me has a personality as attractive as
+the framed insides of the entrance to a safe deposit vault,
+y'understand, all I can say is that I don't give them no more credit for
+it than I would to a bookkeeper who committed forgery because he was in
+love with the third lady from the end in the second row of the original
+Bowery Burlesquers."
+
+"The wonder to me is that the Kaiser don't see it that way, too," Morris
+commented.
+
+"That's because when it comes right down _to_ it, Mawruss, the third
+lady from the end ain't no more stuck on herself than the Kaiser is on
+_him_self," Abe said. "Them third ladies from the end figure that the
+poor suckers always _did_ like 'em, and that therefore they are always
+_going_ to like 'em, so they go ahead and treat their admirers like
+dawgs and take everything they give 'em, y'understand, and the end of it
+is that either a third lady becomes so careless that from a perfect
+thirty-six she comes to be an imperfect fifty-four and has to work for a
+living, or else she gets pinched for receiving the property which them
+poor buffaloed admirers of hers handed over to her, and that'll be the
+end of the Kaiser, too."
+
+"And how soon do you think _that_ will happen?" Morris asked.
+
+"That depends on how soon the Kaiser's admirers gets through with him,"
+Abe said.
+
+"Maybe the Kaiser will quit first," Morris concluded, "because you take
+them third ladies from the end, Abe, and sooner or later they grow
+terrible tired of this here--now--fast life."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS ON THE FRONT PAGE AND OFF
+
+   What war done ain't a marker on what peace is going to do to a great
+   many of these here front-page propositions which is nowadays
+   accustomed to being continued on page two, column five, y'understand.
+
+
+"Yes, Mawruss," Abe said, as he thrust aside the sporting section one
+Sunday in October, "a people at war is like a man with a sick wife.
+Nothing else interests him, which here it stands an account from how
+them loafers out in Chicago plays baseball for the world's record yet,
+and for all the effect it has on me, Mawruss, it might just so well be
+something which catches my eye for the first time in the old newspaper
+padding which my wife pulls out from under the carpet when she is
+house-cleaning in the spring of nineteen twenty."
+
+"Well," Morris said, "I must got to confess that when I seen it
+yesterday how this here Fleisch shoots a home run there in the fifth
+innings, I--"
+
+"What are you talking nonsense--a home run in the fifth innings!" Abe
+exclaimed. "The home run was made in the fourth innings. The White Sox
+didn't make no score in the fifth innings. It was the Giants which made
+their only run in the fifth. McCarty knocked a three-bagger and Sallee
+singled and brought him home. _You_ tell _me_ what innings Fleisch shot
+a home run in!"
+
+"All right, Abe," Morris said, "I wouldn't argue with you, but all I got
+to say is you're lucky that on account of the war you ain't interested
+in auction pinochle the way you ain't interested in baseball, otherwise
+you might get quite a reputation as a gambler."
+
+"I am just so much worried about this war as you are, Mawruss," Abe
+protested, "but if I couldn't take my mind off of it long enough to find
+out which ball team is winning the world series I would be a whole lot
+more worried about myself as I would be about the war, which it don't
+make no difference how much a man loves his wife, y'understand, if she's
+only sick on him long enough, Mawruss, he's going to get sufficiently
+used to it to take in now and then a good show occasionally. In fact,
+Mawruss, it's a relief to read once in a while in the newspapers
+something which ain't about the war, like a murder, y'understand, the
+only drawback being that along about the third day after the discovery
+of the body, and just when you are getting interested in the thing,
+General Haig advances another mile on a couple of thousand kilowatt
+front, y'understand, and for all you can find anything in the newspaper
+about your murder, y'understand me, the feller needn't have troubled
+himself to commit it at all."
+
+"Murderers ain't the only people which got swamped by the war," Morris
+said. "Take William J. Bryan, for example, and up to within a year or
+so, Abe, the newspaper publicity which William J. Bryan got free,
+y'understand, William J. Douglas would of paid a quarter of a million
+dollars for. Take also this here Hobson which sunk the _Merrimac_ and
+Lindsey M. Garrison, who by resigning from the War Department come
+within an ace and a couple of pinochle decks thrown in of ruining Mr.
+Wilson's future prospects, Abe, and there was two fellers which used to
+get into the newspapers as regularly as Harry K. Thaw and Peruna, and
+yet, Abe, if any time during the past six months William J. Bryan,
+Lindsey M. Garrison, and this here Hobson would of been out riding
+together, and the automobile was to run over a cliff a hundred feet high
+onto a railroad track and be struck by the cannon-ball express,
+understand me, the most they could expect to see about it in the papers
+would be:
+
+   NEWS IN BRIEF
+
+   An automobile rolled over an embankment at Van Benschoten Avenue and
+   456th Street, the Bronx, landing in a railroad cut. Its four
+   occupants are in Lincoln Hospital. One of them, George K. Smith, a
+   chauffeur, suffered a fracture of the skull.
+
+   More than fifty pawn tickets were found on Peter Krasnick, who was
+   caught in Brooklyn after a chase over a rear fire-escape. He is
+   charged with burglary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+   World Wants Work Wonders
+
+And if at the last moment before the reporters goes home for the night
+word comes that the Germans made another strong attack on Hill
+Six-sixty-six B, y'understand, they strike out everything except 'World
+Wants Work Wonders' and let it go at that."
+
+"Referendum and Recall is something else which you used to see a whole
+lot about in the papers," Abe said, "and while I always ducked 'em
+myself, at the same time there must be a whole lot of people which is
+wondering what ever become of 'em since the war started."
+
+"The chances is," Morris declared, "if they was to come across the names
+Referendum and Recall in the papers to-day, Abe, they would say it's a
+miracle they escaped as long as they did, because they've got a hazy
+impression they read it somewheres that the Recollection, the
+Resurrection, and the Reproduction of the same line was sunk by U-boats
+about the time they torpedoed the Minnieboska, the Minnietoba, and all
+them other Minnies."
+
+"Prize-fighting is also got a black eye in the way of newspaper
+publicity since we went into the war, Mawruss," Abe continued, "and it
+ain't remarkable, neither, when you look back and think of the pages and
+pages the newspapers used to print about a couple of loafers trying to
+hurt each other with gloves on their hands, which, believe me, Mawruss,
+a green shipping-clerk could give himself worse _Makkas_ nailing up one
+case of goods than them boys could do to each other in a whole season
+already."
+
+"I bet yer," Morris said, "and for such a picnic Jeff Willard used to
+get over a hundred thousand dollars yet."
+
+"Can you imagine how much money one of them aviators over in the old
+country ought to draw under such a wage scale?" Abe asked. "I read an
+account of what an aviator has got to do when he goes up in an
+airyoplane, Mawruss, and at one and the same time while he is balancing
+himself five thousand feet in the air he takes photographs, shoots off
+guns, drops bombs, sends wireless telegraphs, and also runs and steers
+an engine which is so powerful, y'understand, that if you would be
+running it on dry land, Mawruss, you wouldn't be able to take your mind
+off of it long enough to think about the high cost of camera supplies,
+let alone taking pictures yet."
+
+"I wonder if such a young feller has got also a knowledge of bookkeeping
+and stenography," Morris speculated.
+
+"What difference does that make?" Abe asked.
+
+"Because, Abe, if after the war we could get him to come to work in our
+place it would pay us to give him a hundred dollars a week even," Morris
+replied, "on account it would be a cinch, after what he's been used to
+in his last position, for such a young feller to operate an electric
+rotary cutting-machine with his left hand and press garments with his
+right, and he has still got both legs and his head left to keep the
+books, answer the telephone, run a typewriter and an adding-machine,
+and fix up a new card index for our credit system."
+
+"At that he would probably throw up the job on account he didn't have
+enough to do to keep him busy, Mawruss," Abe commented, "and also it's
+going to be pretty hard for them fellers to settle down after the war
+gets through, considering all the excitement they've had with their
+names in the papers and everything."
+
+"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "The fact that a feller like Hindenberg is now
+getting his name in the paper the way it used to was a few years ago
+with Hannah Elias and Cassie Chadwick ain't no criterion to judge by,
+Abe, because what war done to make the newspapers forget their old
+friends Bryan and Evelyn Nesbut ain't a marker on what peace is going to
+do to a great many of these here front-page propositions which is
+nowadays accustomed to being continued on page two, column five,
+y'understand. Why, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if in about five or six
+years from now, Abe, you are going to take up the paper some morning and
+read an item like this:
+
+   OBITUARY NOTES
+
+   Max K. Hindenberg, 83 years old, a clothing merchant, member of the
+   firm of Hindenberg & Levy, and recording secretary of Sigmund Meyer
+   Post No. 97 Veterans of the War of 1914-1918, died early yesterday at
+   his home, 2076 East 8th Street, Potsdam, Germany, yesterday. Deceased
+   was a native of East Prussia.
+
+And the chances is that ninety-nine out of a hundred people ain't even
+going to say to themselves, 'Where did I hear that name before?'"
+
+"That's where you make a big mistake, Mawruss," Abe said. "Hindenberg is
+a very popular feller in Germany, and I bet yer that on every map filed
+in the county clerks' offices of Prussian real-estate developments
+during the past three years there's a Hindenberg Street or a Hindenberg
+Avenue, to say nothing of the babies which has been born over there and
+named Max Hindenberg Goldsticker or Max Hindenberg Schwartz."
+
+"Sure I know," Morris said, "and you can take my word for it, Abe, along
+about nineteen hundred and thirty-five there's going to be a whole lot
+of lawyers over in Deutschland making from twenty-five to fifty marks a
+throw for putting through motions in the Court of Common Pleas for the
+City and County of Berlin that the name of the said applicant, Max H.
+Goldsticker or Max H. Schwartz, as the case may or may not be, be and
+the same hereby is changed to Frank Pershing Goldsticker or Woodrow W.
+Schwartz. Also, Abe, if ever they open up Charlottenberg Heights
+overlooking beautiful Lake Hundekehlen as per plat filed in the office
+of the register of Brandenburg County, y'understand, there'll be a
+Helfferich Place, a Liebknecht Avenue, and even a Bebel Terrace maybe,
+but in twenty years from now a German real-estater wouldn't be able even
+to give away lots free for nothing on any Hindenberg Street or
+Hindenberg Avenue, not if he was to throw in a two-family house with
+portable garage complete."
+
+"Well, you could say the same thing about this country, too," Abe
+declared, "which twenty years from now, people wouldn't know whether the
+word _viereck_ was a fish or a cheese; and as for all them college
+professors which got fired recently because they made the mistake of
+thinking that a college professor gets paid to fool away his time making
+speeches against the government the same like a United States Senator,
+y'understand, I couldn't even remember their names to-day yet, so you
+can imagine how they're going to go down in history, Mawruss: compared
+to them fellers, there are a few thousand notary publics whose names
+will be household words already."
+
+"Any man who thinks he is going to make a name for himself by talking or
+writing against his country is due to get badly fooled, I don't care if
+he would be a college professor, a United States Senator, or an editor,
+Abe," Morris said, "because the most he could hope for is the thing what
+usually happens him. He gets fired, Abe, and the only reputation a
+feller gets by getting fired is the reputation for getting fired, and
+that ain't much of a recommendation when he comes to look for another
+job."
+
+"The people I am sorry for is the wives of these here professors," Abe
+said, "which even when a college professor has got steady work his wife
+'ain't got no bed of roses to make both ends meet, neither, and I bet
+yer more than one of them ladies will got to do a little plain sewing
+for a living on account her husband became so hot-headed over this here
+pacifism."
+
+"That's the trouble with them pacifists," Morris concluded. "If they
+would only take some of the heat out of their heads and put it into
+their feet, Abe, they could hold onto their jobs and their wives
+wouldn't got to go to work at all. Am I right or wrong?"
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON HOOVERIZING THE OVERHEAD
+
+   When a feller reckons the overhead on the goods he manufactures he
+   figures in one-twelfth of his telephone number, one-twelfth of the
+   year he was born, and one-twelfth of every other number he can
+   remember from his automobile to his street number.
+
+
+"Of course, Mawruss, I don't claim that Mr. Hoover don't know his
+business nor nothing like that," Abe Potash said as he finished reading
+a circular mailed to him by the Food Conservation Director, "but at the
+same time if I would be permitted to make a suggestion, Mawruss, I would
+suggest that in addition to following out all the DON'TS in this here
+food-conservation circular--and also in the interests of being strictly
+economical, y'understand--the women of the country should learn it
+genwine Southern cooking, the kind they've got it in two-dollars-a-day
+American-plan Southern hotels, Mawruss, and not only would people eat
+much less than they eat at present, but the chances is it would fix some
+people so they wouldn't eat at all."
+
+"Why _Southern_ cooking?" Morris Perlmutter asked. "For that matter,
+two-dollar-a-day American-plan Eastern cooking wouldn't make you eat
+yourself red in the face, neither, which the last time I was in New
+Bedford they gave me for lunch some fried schrod, and I give you my
+word, Abe, I'd as lieve eat a pair of feet-proof socks, including the
+guarantee and the price ticket. But that ain't neither here or there,
+Abe. Nobody could pin medals on himself for being a small eater in a
+hotel, Abe, _aber_ the test comes when you arrive home from the store at
+half past seven and your wife sets before you a plate of _gedampfte
+Kalbfleisch_ which if a chef in Delmonico's would cook such a thing like
+that, Abe, the Ritz-Carlton would pay John G. Stanchfield a retainer of
+one hundred thousand dollars to advise them how the fellow's contract
+could be broken with Delmonico's so they could get him to come to work
+for them. And that's why I am telling you, Abe, when you get such a
+plate of _gedampfte Kalbfleisch_ in front of you, which the steam comes
+up from it like roses, y'understand, and when you put a piece of it in
+your mouth it's like--"
+
+"Say, listen," Abe protested, "let me alone, will you? It's only eleven
+o'clock, and I couldn't go out to lunch for another hour yet."
+
+"That only goes to show what for a stomach patriot you are, Abe," Morris
+commented. "Even when we are only _talking_ about food you couldn't
+restrain yourself, so what must it be like when you've got the food
+actually on the table? I bet yer you don't remember that such a
+feller as Hoover ever existed at all, let alone what he says about
+eating reasonable."
+
+[Illustration: "'So,' Mrs. Hoover says, 'you had one of them sixty-cent
+table-d'hote lunches to-day again, and now of course you 'ain't got no
+appetite. How many times did I tell you you shouldn't eat that
+poison?'"]
+
+"That's all right, Mawruss," Abe said. "Mr. Hoover could talk that way,
+because maybe his wife ain't such a crank about her cooking like my
+Rosie is, y'understand, _aber_ if Mr. Hoover would be me, Mawruss, and
+there comes on the table some _gestoffte Miltz_ which Mrs. Hoover has
+been breaking her back standing over the stove all the afternoon seeing
+that it don't stick to the bottom of the kettle, y'understand, and Mr.
+Hoover takes only a couple slices of it on account of the war,
+y'understand, what is going to happen then?
+
+"'So,' Mrs. Hoover says, 'you had one of them sixty-cent table-d'hote
+lunches to-day again, and now of course you 'ain't got no appetite. How
+many times did I tell you you shouldn't eat that poison?'
+
+"'So sure as I am sitting here, mommer,' Hoover says, 'all I had for my
+lunch was a Swiss-cheese rye-bread sandwich and a cup coffee.'
+
+"'Then what's the matter you ain't eating?' Mrs. Hoover says. 'Ain't it
+cooked right?'
+
+"'Certainly it's cooked right,' Hoover says. 'But two pieces is a plenty
+on account of the war.'
+
+"'On account of the war! I could work my fingers to the bone fixing good
+food for that man, and he wouldn't eat it on account of the war, _sagt
+er_,' says Mrs. Hoover.
+
+"'But, listen, mommer--' Hoover tries to tell her.
+
+"'Never mind, any excuse is better than none,' Mrs. Hoover says. 'Turns
+up his nose at my cooking yet! _Gestoffte Miltz_ ain't good _enough_ for
+him. I suppose you would like me to give you every day roast duck on
+twenty dollars a week housekeeping money. Did you ever hear the like?
+Couldn't eat _gestoffte Miltz_ no more, so tony he gets all of a
+sudden!'
+
+"'_Aber_ mommer, listen to me for a moment,' Hoover says, but it ain't a
+bit of use because Mrs. Hoover goes into the bedroom and locks the door
+on him, and by the time he has got her to be on speaking terms again he
+has violated the don't-eat-no-sugar DON'T to the extent of four dollars
+and fifty cents for a five-pound box of mixed chocolates and bum-bums,
+understand me. Also just to show that she forgives him they take in a
+show mit afterward a supper in which Mr. Hoover violates not only all
+the other DON'TS in the food-conservation circulars, but also makes
+himself liable to go to jail for giving a couple of dollars to a German
+head waiter under the Trading with the Enemy law."
+
+"At that, the way some of our best hotels conservates food nowadays is
+setting a good example to the women of the country," Morris declared.
+
+"What do you mean--nowadays?" Abe retorted. "They always conservated
+food, the only difference being, Mawruss, that in former times, when
+them crooks used to get ten portions of chicken _a la_ King out of a
+two-pound cold-storage chicken and charged you a dollar and a quarter a
+portion for it, y'understand, they was a bunch of crooks--ain't
+it?--whereas nowadays when them crooks get eleven portions out of the
+same chicken and charge you a dollar and a half a portion for it,
+y'understand, they're a bunch of patriots, understand me, which if the
+coal-dealer and the retail grocer and butcher would short-weight you and
+overcharge you the way some of them patriotic New York hotel proprietors
+does, it would be hard to find many patriots in New York City outside of
+Blackwells Island _oder_ the Tombs prison."
+
+"And yet, Abe, if you would go to work and figure out the overhead on a
+chicken which is used for eleven portions of chicken _a la_ King,"
+Morris said, "you would find that the hotel-keeper gets his profit only
+from the neck which he uses for chicken consomme."
+
+"Well, say!" Abe exclaimed. "A profit of six cups of chicken consomme at
+forty cents a cup ain't to be sneezed at, neither, and even then you are
+taking the hotel-keeper's word for the overhead, which I don't care if a
+feller would be ordinarily a regular George Washington, y'understand,
+and wouldn't even lie to his wife about how he come out in his weekly
+Saturday-night pinochle game, understand me, but when such a feller
+reckons the overhead on the goods he manufactures it don't make no
+difference if it would be locomotive engines or pants, in addition to
+the legitimate cost of every one-twelfth dozen articles, he figures in
+as overhead one-twelfth of his telephone number, one-twelfth of the
+year he was born, one-twelfth of how old his grandfather _olav hasholom_
+was when he married for the fourth time, and one-twelfth of every other
+number he can remember, from his automobile number to his street number,
+and usually such a crook lives in the last house from the city limits."
+
+"I tell yer, Abe," Morris said, "the feller which invented poison gas
+was some _Rosher_, and the feller which invented T.M.T. also, but the
+feller which invented the overhead is in a class by himself just behind
+the Kaiser. I don't know what his name is, but he is the feller what
+fixed things so that a ten-cent loaf of bread has not only got into it
+the air-holes which is caused by the yeast, but also the air-holes which
+is caused by the lawyer's bill that the baking company paid at the time
+they issued their five-million-dollar consolidated and refunding
+four-per-cent. first-mortgage bonds, y'understand, and there's just as
+much nourishment in that kind of air-hole for a truck-driver's family of
+growing children as there is in any other kind of air-hole."
+
+"Well, the bakers 'ain't got nothing on the farmers when it comes to
+cost bookkeeping, Mawruss," Abe said. "I was reading where the
+milk-raisers' _Verein_ claims the price of feed is so high that they've
+got to sell milk at ten cents a quart wholesale, but for all them
+farmers figure that the same feed goes to fatten the cow for the market,
+Mawruss, you might suppose that there was a big institution somewheres
+up state called the Ezra B. Cornell Home for Aged and Indignant Cows,
+y'understand, and that so soon as a cow gets through giving milk,
+y'understand, instead of slaughtering it the farmer takes it to the home
+in his automobile and contributes five dollars a week toward its support
+until it dies of hardening of the arteries at the age of eighty-two."
+
+"Take it from me, Abe," Morris said, "them farmers ain't such farmers as
+people think they are. It's going to be so, pretty soon, that people
+will be paying two dollars and a half for an orchestra seat and pretty
+near break their hearts while the poor old second-mortgage shark is
+being turned out of his little home by the farmer."
+
+"And on the opening night, Mawruss, the front rows will be filled with
+milk agents," Abe said, "and after the show you will see them sitting
+around Rector's and Churchill's and getting terrible noisy over a magnum
+of Sheffield Farms nineteen sixteen."
+
+"Of course nobody is going to be the worser for making a joke about such
+things, Abe," Morris interrupted, "but last winter when these fellers
+which gets off mommerlogs in vaudeville shows was talking about somebody
+being immensely wealthy on account his breath smelt from onions,
+y'understand, there wasn't many people raising a family on less than
+twenty-five dollars a week whose breath smelt from onions at that."
+
+"Did I say they did?" Abe asked.
+
+"And it is the same way with potatoes and fruit, not to say fish and
+poultry and all the other foods which Mr. Hoover says we should eat in
+order to save beef, sugar, and flour for the soldiers," Morris
+continued. "When a woman buys nowadays flounder at twenty-five cents a
+pound, she is paying ten cents for fish and fifteen cents toward the
+fish-dealer's wife's diamonds or his six-cylinder automobile, so if I
+would be Mr. Hoover, before I issued bread and meat cards to the
+consumer I would hand out automobile and diamond cards to the
+fish-dealer and the vegetable-dealer and maybe it would help to stop
+them fellers from loading their prices with what it costs 'em to keep up
+their expensive habits."
+
+"A fish-dealer is entitled to expensive habits the same like anybody
+else," Abe said, "which if Mr. Hoover stops him from buying his wife
+once in a while diamonds, sooner or later Mr. Hoover will stop him from
+buying his wife furs and it will work down right along the line till Mr.
+Hoover hits the garment business, Mawruss, which, while I ain't got no
+particular sympathy for a fish-dealer, y'understand, his money is just
+so good as the next one's, so I ask you, as a garment-manufacturer, what
+are you going to do about it?"
+
+"Let him buy Liberty Bonds."
+
+"But in that case, how many Liberty Bonds could the diamond merchant,
+the automobile-manufacturer, or the furrier buy?"
+
+"Say, looky here," Morris said, "let me alone, will you? This is
+something which is up to Mr. Hoover, not me."
+
+"I know it is," Abe concluded, "and I've got a great deal of sympathy
+for him, too, because before Mr. Hoover gets through he would not only
+make a bunch of enemies, Mawruss, but he is going to use up a whole lot
+of headache medicine, and don't you forget it."
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS
+
+   The hopeless part of it is that there's no way of putting a nation of
+   ninety million people in a lunatic asylum, even if there was an
+   asylum big enough to hold them, which there ain't.
+
+
+"I see where the French President is going to lose his Prime Minister
+again," Abe Potash said, "which the way that feller is always changing
+Prime Ministers, Mawruss, he must be a terrible hard man to work for."
+
+"Say," Morris Perlmutter replied, "I've got enough to think about
+keeping track of what happens here in this country without I should
+worry my head over political _Meises_ in France."
+
+"Well, you are the same like a whole lot of Americans," Abe said, "which
+for all they read about what is going on over in Europe the Edison
+Manufacturing Company might just so well never have invented the
+telegraph at all."
+
+"I don't _got_ to read it with such a statesman like you around here,"
+Morris retorted, "so go ahead and tell me: what did the French Prime
+Minister done _now_ that he gets fired for it?"
+
+"That only goes to show what you know from Prime Ministers!" Abe
+declared. "A Prime Minister never gets fired, Mawruss--he resigns, and
+while I admit that nine times out of ten when the French President has
+had a Prime Minister resign on him, it's probably been a case of the
+stenographer tipping the Prime Minister off that before the boss went to
+lunch he said, 'If that grafter's still here when I come back there'll
+be another Prime Minister going around on crutches,' y'understand, yet
+at the same time this here last Prime Minister has been right on the
+job, and the French President has been quite worried for fear he's going
+to quit."
+
+"Well, let him get along _without_ a Prime Minister for a while," Morris
+said. "With the money the French people is spending for war supplies it
+won't do him no harm to cut down his pay-roll, and, besides, what does
+he want a Prime Minister for, _anyway_? Has President Wilson got a Prime
+Minister? Them people come over here a couple of months ago and cashed
+in a hard-luck story for a matter of a few hundred million dollars,
+y'understand, and like a lot of come-ons that we are, understand me, it
+never even occurred to us but what them boys was living right up close
+to the cushion."
+
+"How much do you think a Prime Minister draws, Mawruss--a million a
+week?" Abe asked.
+
+"It ain't how much he draws," Morris said. "It's the idea of the thing
+which I don't care if he only gets five dollars a day and commissions,
+Abe, if President Wilson would got a Prime Minister working for him
+instead of attending to the business himself, which is what President
+Wilson gets paid for, y'understand, there's many a time when the
+President has been out late at the theayter or when he is feeling under
+the weather, understand me, where he would say: 'Why should I kill
+myself slaving day in, day out, like a slave, y'understand. What have I
+got a Prime Minister for, anyway?' And that's how I bet yer the French
+President has passed over to the Prime Minister a whole lot of important
+stuff which the poor _nebich_ was bound to slip up on, because, after
+all, a Prime Minister is only a Prime Minister."
+
+"Maybe you're right," Abe admitted, "but at the same time there's some
+pretty smart Prime Ministers, too, which you take this here Prime
+Minister Lord George, over in England, and that feller practically runs
+the country. In fact, as I understand it, King George leaves the entire
+management to him, so much confidence he's got in the feller."
+
+"Perhaps it's because this here Lord George and King George is related
+maybe," Morris suggested.
+
+"I don't think so," Abe replied. "The names is only a quincidence, which
+even before Lord George was ever heard of at all the Prime Minister
+always run things in England while the King put in his whole time
+opening charity bazars and laying corner-stones. First and last I
+suppose that feller has laid more corner-stones than all the heads of
+all the fraternal orders in the United States put together, and if
+there's such a disease as grand master's thumb, like smoker's heart and
+housemaid's knee, Mawruss, I'll bet that King George has got it."
+
+[Illustration: "Perhaps it's because this here Lord George and King
+George is related maybe," Morris suggested. "I don't think so," Abe
+replied. "The name is only a quincidence."]
+
+"Well an English king can afford to spend his time that way," Morris
+said, "because them English Prime Ministers is really prime,
+y'understand, whereas you take the Prime Ministers which the Czar
+_nebich_, the King of Greece, and even the King of Sweden had it, and
+instead of them Prime Ministers being prime, understand me, they ranged
+all the way from sirloin to chuck, as they would say in the meat
+business."
+
+"Some of the English Prime Ministers wasn't so awful prime, neither,"
+Abe said. "Take the feller which was holding down the job of Prime
+Minister around July fourth, seventeen seventy-six, and the way that boy
+let half a continent slip through his fingers was enough to make King
+Schmooel the Second, or whatever the English king's name was in them
+days, swear off laying corner-stones for the rest of his life. Also the
+English Prime Minister which engineered the real-estate deal where
+Germany got ahold of the island of Heligoland wasn't what Mr. P.B.
+Armour would call first cut exactly, which, if England would now own
+Heligoland instead of Germany, Mawruss, such a serial number as U
+Fifty-three for a German submarine would never have been heard of. They
+would have stopped short at U Two or U Two B."
+
+"Well, anybody's liable to get stuck in a swap with vacant lots, Abe,"
+Morris said, "and the chances is the poor feller figured that with this
+here Heligoland, the only person who would have the nerve to call such
+real estate _real estate_, y'understand, would be a real-estater with a
+first-class imagination when the tide was out."
+
+"That's what Germany figured, too," Abe said, "and the consequence is
+she went to work and improved them vacant lots with fortifications which
+lay so low in the water, Mawruss, that from two miles out at sea no one
+would dream of such things--least of all an admiral."
+
+"So how could you blame a Prime Minister if he didn't suspect what
+Germany was up to when she bought that sand-bank?" Morris asked.
+
+"Of course that was a long time before the war, Mawruss," Abe said.
+"Nowadays the dumbest Prime Minister knows enough to know that coming
+from a German diplomat a simple remark like, 'Good morning, ain't it an
+elegant weather we are having?' is subject to one of several
+constructions, none of which is exactly what you could call _kosher_,
+y'understand."
+
+"And supposing he finds such a remark in a letter from a German diplomat
+to the Kaiser, Abe?" Morris asked. "What does it mean then?"
+
+"That depends on where it is written from," Abe said, "which if the
+Minister of Foreign Affairs down in Paraguay or Peru finds out that a
+German ambassador has written home to the effect that he is feeling
+quite well again and hopes this letter finds you the same,
+y'understand, the Foreign Minister hustles over to the War Department
+and wants to know if they are going to allow him to be insulted in that
+way by a dirty crook like that. On the other hand, if the chief of the
+United States Secret Service gets ahold of a letter from any one of them
+honorary German diplomats who is practically holding down the job of
+Imperial German Consul to the Bronx while drawing the salary of--we
+would say, for example--a New York Supreme Court justice, Mawruss, and
+if the letter says, 'Accept my best wishes for a prosperous and happy
+new year in which my wife joins and remain,' y'understand, that means
+the copper was shipped in pasteboard containers marked:
+
+ PRUNES
+ USE NO HOOKS."
+
+"The German Secret Service certainly fixes up some wonderful cipher
+codes, Abe," Morris said. "Sometimes as much as two hours and a quarter
+passes before a United States Secret Service man gets the right dope on
+one of them code letters."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But most times he don't have no more trouble
+over it than the average business man would with a baseball column,
+which the way every government secret service knows every other
+government's secret service's secrets, Mawruss, it's a wonder to me that
+they don't call the whole thing off by mutual consent, because the only
+difference between government secret services is that some secret
+services is louder than others. Take, for instance, the German Secret
+Service, and there was months and months when this here Dr. Heinrich
+Albert, Captain von Papen and his boy Ed got as much newspaper publicity
+as one of them rotten shows which received such a good notice from the
+cricket of the _Cloak and Suit Gazette_ that the manager thinks it may
+have a chance, y'understand. Why, there wasn't a district messenger-boy
+which couldn't direct you to number Eleven Broadway, where that secret
+service had its head offices, and I would be very much surprised if they
+didn't ship their bombs from number Eleven Broadway, to the steamboat
+docks in covered automobile delivery-wagons with signs painted on 'em:
+
+ Telephone              Battery 2222
+
+ GERMAN SECRET SERVICE
+ 'WE LEAD--OTHERS FOLLOW'
+ 11 Broadway
+
+ Ask about our Special Service plan
+ for furnishing explosives by the month
+
+ AT LOW RATES."
+
+"At the same time, Abe," Morris remarked, "the Germans make things
+pretty secret when they want to, otherwise how could the Kaiser have
+kept that mutiny under his chest for over a couple of months?"
+
+"And you could take it from me, Mawruss," Abe said, "before Michaelis
+let it out in the Reichstag, he might just so well have stopped in at
+the _Lokal Anzeiger_ office on his way down-town and inserted a couple
+of lines or so under the head of 'Situations Wanted Males.'"
+
+"Why, I thought you said a Prime Minister never gets fired," Morris
+said.
+
+"Prime Ministers is one thing and Chancellors another, Mawruss," Abe
+told him.
+
+"Then I imagine this here Michaelis must be putting in a lot of time
+nowadays going over his contract to see if he's got any come-back
+against the party of the first part in case that crook fires him,"
+Morris said.
+
+"Well, he can keep on looking till he finds another job," Abe replied,
+"because the Kaiser is like a lot of other highwaymen in the cutting-up
+trade, Mawruss. To them fellers the first and most important thing about
+a contract is the loopholes, y'understand, and after that's fixed they
+don't care what goes into it, which you take that contract of
+Michaelis's and I bet yer that a police-court lawyer could drive an
+armored tank through them paragraphs which is supposed to hold the
+Kaiser, y'understand, whereas if _Michaelis_ wanted to get out of it,
+Mawruss, he could go to work and hire Messrs. Hughes, Brandeis,
+Stanchfield, Hughes & Stanchfield, supposing there was _Gott soll huten_
+such a firm of lawyers, and they wouldn't be able to find so much as a
+comma out of place for him."
+
+"And as a good German, Abe, Michaelis would be awful disappointed if
+they did," Morris said, "because that's the way the Germans feel toward
+the Kaiser. He robs 'em, he murders 'em, and he starves their wives and
+children to death, just so him and his family could run the country, and
+them poor Heinies says to one another: 'That's the kind of a kaiser to
+have! A big strong man which he don't give a nickel for nobody! He's a
+wonder, all right, and if we didn't have a feller like that at the head
+of the country I don't know how we would be able to stand all the
+trouble that cutthroat and his crook family is causing us--Heaven bless
+them.'"
+
+"The hopeless part of it is," Abe commented, "that there's no way of
+putting a nation of ninety million people in a lunatic asylum, even if
+there was an asylum big enough to hold them, which there ain't,
+Mawruss."
+
+"And as much as you sympathize with a lunatic, you can't have him going
+around loose, Abe," Morris said, "so what are we going to do about it?"
+
+"Well, we're trying hard to shut 'em up in Germany again," Abe declared,
+"and after we've got them there, Mawruss, I am willing to stand my share
+of the expense that the war should go on long enough to give them
+lunatics a little home treatment, y'understand, and by home treatment,
+Mawruss, I mean not only treating the lunatics themselves, but also
+treating their homes," Abe continued, growing red in the face at the
+thought of it, "which I only hope that I live long enough to see a
+moving picture of German homes the same like I seen moving pictures of
+French homes and Belgian homes, and if that don't sweat the Kaiser-mania
+out of their systems they are crazy for keeps."
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON LORDNORTHCLIFFING VERSUS COLONELHOUSING
+
+   While Lord Northcliff is colonelhousing over here, Colonel House is
+   lordnorthcliffing over in England, and the main point about their
+   being where they are is that they ain't where the people are which
+   sent them there.
+
+
+"Well, I see where President Wilson says that women should have the
+right to vote the same like shipping-clerks and bartenders, Mawruss,"
+Abe said, "which it's a funny thing to me the way some people claims
+they never could see that two and two make four till the war comes along
+and gives them a brand-new point of view."
+
+"At that, you've got to give President Wilson credit that it only took a
+war like this here European war to bring him to his senses," Morris
+Perlmutter said, "whereas with Eli U. Root, Abe, it's got to happen yet
+another war twice as big as this one, three more revolutions in
+Russland, and a couple of earthquakes _doch_; before he is even going to
+say, 'Maybe you're right, but that's my opinion and I stick _to_ it.'"
+
+"In a way, Mawruss, Eli U. Root ain't as unreasonable as he looks," Abe
+said. "He says that if the women gets the vote, y'understand, they
+would--"
+
+"Listen, Abe," Morris interrupted, "I don't want to hear what this here
+Root has got to say about _if_ women voted in America, y'understand,
+because over four million women does vote in America, and some of them
+has been voting for years already, and when it comes to talking about
+_ifs_, Abe, _if_ Eli U. Root 'ain't noticed that four million women vote
+in this country where Eli U. Root is supposed to understand the language
+as well as speak it, understand me, what did Mr. Root notice over in
+Russland, where he neither spoke Russian nor understood it, neither?"
+
+"Don't kid yourself, Mawruss," Abe said. "That feller knows just so good
+as you do that there's four million women voting in America; also he
+knows that the women of Colorado, where women vote, don't act no
+different from the women of Pennsylvania, where women don't vote, but
+that's an argument in favor of women voting, whereas Root is arguing
+against it."
+
+"That ain't an argument," Morris protested; "it's a fact."
+
+Abe shrugged his shoulders despairingly.
+
+"What does a first-class A-number-one lawyer like Root care about facts
+if they ain't in his favor?" he asked. "Also, Mawruss, if Mr. Root now
+comes out in favor of women voting, y'understand, that would be a case
+of changing his mind, and you know as well as I do, Mawruss, the real
+brainy fellers of the world never changes their mind."
+
+"Not even when the facts is against them?" Morris asked.
+
+"They don't pay no attention to the facts," Abe said. "You take this
+here Morris Hillkowitz or Hillquit which he is running for mayor of New
+York on the Socialistic ticket, and for years already that feller went
+around saying that it was the people which lived in the
+two-thousand-a-year apartments and owned expensive automobiles which was
+squashing the protelariat, y'understand, and now when it comes out in
+the papers that he is living in a thousand-dollar-a-year apartment and
+running an expensive automobile, Mawruss, does he turn around and say
+that it's all a mistake and that in reality it's the protelariat which
+is squashing the feller with the two-thousand-dollar-a-year apartment
+and expensive automobile? _Oser a Stueck!_"
+
+"Well, it only goes to show that a feller can even make money by being a
+Socialist if he only sticks to it long enough," Morris said.
+
+"At that, he's probably got more sympathy mit the protelariat than he
+ever did, Mawruss, because before he owned an automobile he only
+_suspected_ what them fellers was missing by being poor. Now he
+_knows_."
+
+"And I suppose by the time he is running for President on the
+Socialistic ticket," Morris said, "he'll be owning a steam-yacht and the
+wrongs of the working classes will be pretty near breaking his heart."
+
+"Even so, Mawruss, he won't be changing his mind, and I don't know but
+what he'll be acting wise, too," Abe said, "because when a politician
+gets a reputation for carrying a certain line of stable opinions his
+customers naturally expects that he is going to continue to carry 'em,
+and when he drops that line and lays in a stock of new stuff in the way
+of political ideas, y'understand, his customers leave him and he's got
+to build up his trade over again; and that's no way for a feller to get
+into the steam-yacht class--I don't care if he would be a politician or
+a garment-manufacturer."
+
+"Well, of course, if a feller's opinions is his living, you couldn't
+blame him for not changing 'em," Morris said, "_aber_ this here Root is
+already retired from business, and the chances is that, the way he's got
+his money invested, it wouldn't make no difference _how_ liberal-minded
+he was, the corporations would have to pay the coupons, anyway."
+
+"I know they would," Abe agreed, "but you take some of these Senators
+and Congressmen which they started out before we was at war with Germany
+to show an attractive line of pro-German ideas--that is to say,
+attractive to their regular customers out in Wisconsin and Saint Louis,
+understand me, and people don't figure that them poor fellers has got
+mortgages falling due on 'em next year and boys to put through college.
+For all people knows, Mawruss, this here McLemon which used to make a
+speciality of speeches warning Americans off of ocean steamships was
+supporting half his wife's family and widowed sister that way. The chances
+is that he sees now what a rotten line of argument that was, and he would
+like to switch over and display some snappy nineteen-seventeen-model
+speeches about the freedom of the seas for American sitsons, understand me,
+but you know yourself how it is when your wife has got a large family,
+Mawruss: if one of her sisters ain't having an emergency operation on you,
+it's a case of doing something quick to keep her youngest brother out of
+jail, and either way you are stuck a couple of hundred dollars, so you
+couldn't blame a Congressman who refuses to change his mind and risk
+losing his territory, even if all the rest of the country _is_ calling
+him a regular Benedictine Arnold, y'understand."
+
+"Well, sooner or later some of these big _Machers_ has got to change
+their minds, otherwise the war will never be over," Morris said. "The
+Kaiser has said over and over again that, once having put on her shiny
+armor, y'understand, the Fatherland would never let the sword out of its
+hand till England was finally crushed and _Gott mit uns_, and Lord
+George and Lord Northcliff has said the same thing about Germany
+excepting _Gott mit uns_. Also France in this great hour would never lay
+down the sword, and _we_ would never lay down the sword. Furthermore to
+hear Austria talk, and Kerensky, Venizelos, and the King of Rumania,
+there would be such a continuous demand for swords that it would pay
+Charles N. Schwab and this here Judge Gary to organize the Consolidated
+Sword Company or the United States Sword Corporation with a plant
+covering sixteen acres and an issue of one hundred million dollars
+preferred stock and two hundred and fifty million dollars common stock
+and let the cannon and torpedo business go."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But when the Kaiser says that Germany would
+never stop fighting till her enemies is in the dust, speaking of Germany
+as a she-Fatherland, or till its enemies is in the dust, speaking of
+Germany as an it-Fatherland, Mawruss, if you was a mind-reader, Mawruss,
+you would see 'way back in the rear of his brain one of them railroad
+time-table signs: _(GG) Will stop daily after January first,
+nineteen-nineteen_."
+
+"I hope you are right, Abe," Morris commented, "but I see where this
+here Lord Northcliff says that the war is really just beginning, and so
+far as I can discover that goes without foot-notes or notices that care
+is taken to have same correct, but the company will not be responsible
+for delays or for errors in the printing, y'understand."
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," Abe said, "I don't know nothing about this here
+Lord Northcliff. I admit also that I don't know what his standing as a
+lord is or when he joined. In fact, I don't even know what a lord has to
+pay for initiation fees and annual dues, let alone what sick benefit he
+draws and what they pay to the widow in case a lord dies, understand me,
+but I don't care if this here Northcliff, instead of a lord, was an Elk
+or an Odd Fellow, y'understand, he can't tell when this war is going to
+end no more than I can."
+
+"But I understand this here Northcliff is an awful smart feller, Abe,"
+Morris said. "He owns already a couple dozen newspapers in the old
+country, and if he wouldn't have the right dope on this here war, I
+don't know who would."
+
+"Say!" Abe protested. "Nobody could get the right dope about this war
+out of any newspaper, even if he owned it, Mawruss, because you know as
+well as I do, Mawruss, if the City Edition says the Germans is starving,
+y'understand, and couldn't last through the winter, understand me, that
+ain't no guarantee that they wouldn't be getting plenty of food in the
+Home Edition and starving again in the Five-star Final Sporting Extra
+with Complete Wall Street, Mawruss, so the way I figure it is that this
+here Northcliff has got the idea that if he tells us the war is only
+beginning we are going to brace up, and if he says the chances is the
+war would last twenty years yet and that half the world would be down
+and out with starvation and sickness before it is finished up,
+y'understand, we are going to say: 'This is _great_. We must get in on
+this.'"
+
+"Maybe that's the way they get results in the newspaper business, Abe,"
+Morris remarked, "but in the garment business, if I am trying to turn
+out a big order, y'understand, I tell the operators that the quicker
+they get through the sooner they will be finished, y'understand, and I
+make a point of saying that they are practically on the home stretcher
+even if they are just beginning."
+
+"That ain't such a bad plan, neither," Abe admitted, "but there should
+ought to be some way to strike an average between your ideas for hurrying
+up and this you-would-be-all-right-if-blood-poisoning-don't-set-in
+encouragement of Lord Northcliff's, Mawruss, so that we wouldn't think
+we'd got too easy a job, but at the same time we wouldn't feel like
+throwing away the sponge, neither."
+
+"I think he means well, _anyhow_," Morris said, "which he is trying to
+tell us that we shouldn't think we've got such a cinch as all that;
+because you know it used to was before this war started, Abe. Every once
+in a while at a lodge meeting some Grand Army man, who was also, we
+would say, for example, in the pants business, would get up and make a
+speech that if this great and glorious land of ours was to be threatened
+with an invasion by any foreign king or potentate, y'understand, an army
+of a million soldiers would spring up overnight, and all his lodge
+brothers would say ain't it wonderful how an old man like that stays as
+bright as a dollar, y'understand. _But_, just let the same feller get up
+and make a speech that if the pants business was to be threatened with a
+strike by any foreign or domestic walking-delegate, understand me, an
+army of a million pants-operators would spring up overnight,
+y'understand, and before he had a chance to sit down even them same
+lodge brothers would have rung for a Bellevue ambulance and passed
+resolutions of sympathy for his family. And yet, Abe, a learner on pants
+becomes an expert in six days, whereas it takes six months at the very
+least to train a soldier."
+
+"That's why Lord Northcliff is making all them discouraging speeches,"
+Abe said. "He's a business man, Mawruss, and he appreciates that we are
+up against a tough business proposition."
+
+"But what I don't understand is: where does Lord Northcliff come in to
+be neglecting his newspapers the way he does?" Morris said. "Is he an
+ambassador or something?"
+
+"Well, for that matter," Abe retorted, "where does Colonel House come in
+to be neglecting the cloth-sponging business or whatever business the
+Colonel is in? It's a stand-off, Mawruss. While Lord Northcliff is
+colonelhousing over here, Colonel House is lordnorthcliffing over in
+England, and just exactly what that _is_, Mawruss, I don't know, but I
+got a strong suspicion that the main point about their being where they
+are is that they ain't where the people are which sent them there, if
+you understand what I mean."
+
+"And I bet they both feel flattered at that," Morris concluded.
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON NATIONAL MUSIC AND NATIONAL CURRENCY
+
+   Some people wouldn't care what they said, just so long as they could
+   give the impression that they was regular sharks when it come to
+   music, but what kind of impression they gave when it come to
+   patriotism and common sense, such people don't give a nickel.
+
+
+"It seems that this here Doctor Muck wouldn't play the national anthem,
+Mawruss, because he found it was inartistic," Abe Potash said as he
+turned to the editorial page of his daily paper.
+
+"Well, how did he find the national currency, Abe?" Morris Perlmutter
+inquired. "Also inartistic?"
+
+"He didn't say," Abe replied. "But a statement was given out by Major
+Higginson that--"
+
+"Who's Major Higginson?" Morris asked.
+
+"He's the feller that owns the Boston Symphony Orchestra which this here
+Doctor Muck is the conductor of it," Abe replied.
+
+"That must be an elegant orchestra, Abe," Morris commented. "A major is
+running it and a doctor is conducting it. I suppose they've got working
+for them as fiddlers a lot of attorneys and counselors at law, and the
+chances is that if a feller was to come there looking for a job
+operating a trombone on account he had had experience as a practical
+tromboner with the New York Philharmonics, y'understand, they would
+probably turn him down unless he could show a diploma from a recognized
+school of pharmacy."
+
+"For all I know, they might insist on having a certified public
+accountant, Mawruss," Abe said, "but he would have to be a shark on the
+trombone, anyway, because I understand this here Doctor Muck and Major
+Higginson run a high-class orchestra."
+
+"Well, it only goes to show that you don't got to got a whole lot of
+common sense to run a high-grade orchestra, Abe," Morris retorted,
+"which if I would be a German doctor stranded in Boston, y'understand,
+and I had to _Gott soll huten_ conduct an orchestra for a living, I
+would consider to myself that there ain't many Americans in or out of
+the medical profession conducting orchestras over in Germany just now
+which is refusing to play '_Die Wacht am Rhein_' or '_Heil im der
+Siegerkranz_' on artistic grounds and getting away with it. Furthermore,
+Abe, Doctor Muck should ought to figure that no matter if he was running
+the highest-grade orchestra in existence or anyhow in the state of
+Massachusetts, y'understand, and if nobody pays for a ticket to hear it,
+what _is_ it? Am I right or wrong?"
+
+"He probably thought there was enough Americans crazy about music to
+make his orchestra pay even if he did insult them, Mawruss," Abe said,
+"because you know as well as I do, Mawruss, there was a lot of sympathy
+shown by Americans to them German singers which got fired at the
+Metropolitan Opera House for insulting Americans or being pro-German. It
+seems that one of them made up a funny song about the sinking of the
+_Lusitania_, and some of the Americans which heard him sing it said that
+the tone production was wonderful, and that such a really remarkable
+breath control, y'understand, they hadn't heard it since Adelina Patti
+in her palmiest days, and I bet yer if Doctor Muck was to take that song
+and set it to music so as the Boston Symphony Orchestra could play it
+them same people and plenty like them would say that the wood wind was
+this, the strings was that, and something about the coda and the
+obbligato, y'understand. In fact, Mawruss, they wouldn't care what they
+said, just so long as they could give the impression that they was
+regular sharks when it come to music, but what kind of impression they
+gave when it come to patriotism and common sense, such people seemingly
+don't give a nickel.
+
+"Why, you take this here lady singer at the Metropolitan Opera House,"
+Abe continued, "which her husband was agent for the Krupp Manufacturing
+Company, and when she got fired, y'understand, it looked like some of
+these here breath-control and tone-production experts was going to hold
+a meeting and regularly move and second that a copy of the said
+resolutions suitably engrossed be transmitted to her, care of Krupp
+Manufacturing Company, Twenty forty-two, four six, and eight Buelow
+Boulevard, Essen, on account she had been working for the Metropolitan
+Opera House for pretty near twenty years, which the way some of them
+singers goes on singing year after year at the Metropolitan Opera House,
+Mawruss, sometimes you couldn't tell whether the Metropolitan Opera
+House was an opera-house or a home, y'understand."
+
+"That's neither here nor there, Abe," Morris said. "There ain't no
+reason to my mind why the Metropolitan Opera House shouldn't ought to
+hire ladies whose husbands is working for American concerns or is out of
+a job, y'understand, and also it wouldn't be a bad idea to see that some
+of them barytones and bassos which was formerly sending home every week
+from two to five hundred dollars apiece to the old folks in
+Charlottenburg and Wilmersdorf, y'understand, give up their places to a
+few native-born fellers who contributed to the first and second Liberty
+Loans, understand me, and ain't supporting a relation in the world."
+
+"But the point which them coda and obbligato fans make is that if a
+feller like this here Captain Kreisler of the Austrian army is the best
+fiddler in existence, y'understand, it's up to us Americans to pay two
+dollars and fifty cents a throw, not including war tax, to hear him
+fiddle, and that we shouldn't ought to got no _Rishus_ against him even
+if he would be only over here on a leave of absence dating from January
+first, nineteen fifteen, up to and including seven hundred and fifty
+thousand dollars," Abe said, "because it is claimed that the best
+fiddlers in the world and the best conductors in the world don't belong
+to any country. They are international."
+
+"Maybe they are, Abe," Morris agreed, "but the money which they earn
+belongs to the country in which they spend it, understand me, which my
+idea is that these are war-times, and if the ordinary people is willing
+to take their wheat bread with a little potato flour in it, them
+big-league music fans should ought to be willing to take their
+fiddle-playing with a few sour notes in it, so if the best fiddler in
+the world is an Austrian who spends his money at home, y'understand,
+they should ought to be contented with the next best one, and if he is
+also an Austrian or a German let them work on right straight down the
+line till they find one who ain't, because trading with the enemy is
+trading with the enemy, whether you are trading with a German fiddler or
+a German fish-dealer, and if you are going to hand over money to Germany
+it don't make much difference if you do it in the name of art or in the
+name of fish."
+
+"Well, you couldn't exactly feel the same way about an artist with his
+art as you could about a fish-dealer with his fish," Abe protested.
+
+"I didn't say you could," Morris said. "I've got every respect for this
+here Kreisler as a feller which plays something elegant on the fiddle,
+but at the same time he has had himself extensively advertised with
+pictures the same like King C. Gillette and William L. Douglas, and
+that's probably what made him, Abe, because it's pretty safe to say that
+if you could by any possibility induce and persuade them people which is
+hollering about art being international and Kreisler being the best
+fiddler in existence, y'understand, to go and hear Kreisler at a concert
+where under the name of Harris Fine and wearing false whiskers he was
+playing a program consisting principally of Rabinowitz's Concerto in G,
+Opus number Two fifty-six B, y'understand, they would come away saying
+it was awful rotten even for an amateur and that you should ought to
+hear Kreisler play Rabinowitz's Concerto in G, Opus number Two fifty-six
+B, and then you would know how that feller Harris Fine murdered it. So
+that's why I say, Abe, that advertised art comes under the head of
+merchandise, and I ain't so sure that the artist who advertises ain't
+just as much of a business man as we would say, for example, a
+fish-dealer."
+
+"Well, there's one thing about this here trouble with the Boston
+Symphony Orchestra, Mawruss," Abe said: "it has put Boston on the map
+for a few days, which the way New York people is acting about electing a
+mayor in New York City, y'understand, you would think that New York,
+England, France, and Italy was fighting Germany and Austria, and that if
+the mayor of New York said so, the war would go on or stop, as the case
+might be, and otherwise not."
+
+"You couldn't blame New York at that," Morris said. "People out in
+Seattle which has never been no nearer New York as Fall City, Wash., or
+Snoqualmie, goes round singing 'Take Me Back to New York Town' _oder_
+'Give My Regards to Broadway,' and young ladies living in Saint Louis,
+which is a good-sized city, y'understand, reads in a magazine printed in
+Chicago--_also_ a good-sized city--story after story which has got to do
+with a wealthy New York clubman, or a poor New York working-girl, or a
+beautiful New York actress, while the advertising section has got
+pictures by the hundreds of automobiles, ready-made clothing, vacuum
+cleaners, beds and bedding, health underwear, and cash-registers, and
+all of them are fixed up with the Grand Central Depot across the street
+or the Public Library showing through a window or, anyhow, the Flatiron
+Building and Madison Square Garden not half a column away, y'understand.
+Also there is a New York store in every village and a New York letter in
+every newspaper, and one way or another you would think that the whole
+United States was trying to prove to New York that it was as important
+as New York has for a long time already suspected."
+
+"Well, ain't it?" Abe asked.
+
+"It couldn't be," Morris replied. "Take, for instance, this here
+election for mayor, and the way the New York papers talked about it you
+would think the Kaiser says to Hindenberg: 'Listen, Max, don't ship no
+more soldiers nowheres till we hear how things are breaking for
+Hillkowitz in New York,' or maybe he said Mitchel or Hylan--you couldn't
+tell, and Hindenberg says, 'But I understand Mitchel is pretty strong up
+in the Twenty-third Assembly District in certain parts of the Bronix, so
+I think, Chief, it might be a good idea to have a couple of dozen
+divisions of artillery sent to Dvinsk and Riga.' But the Kaiser says:
+'Now do as I tell you, Max. I got a wireless from Mexico that Hillkowitz
+will carry three hundred and nine out of four hundred and thirteen
+election districts in the Borough of Richmond alone.' And Hindenberg
+says: 'Where did they get _that_ dope? I tell you they don't know
+nothing but Hylan down on Staten Island, and if you take _my_ advice,
+Chief, you'll 'phone Ludendorff to hold the Siegfried line, the
+Lohengrin line, the Trovatore line, the Travvyayter line, the Bohemian
+Girl line, and all the other lines from Aida to Zampa, because in my
+opinion Mitchel has a walk-over.'"
+
+"That's where they both made a mistake," Abe commented, "because it was
+a landslide for Hylan."
+
+"_Yow_ they was mistaken," Morris said. "Do you suppose for one moment
+that the Kaiser had got so much as an inkling that they were going to
+elect a mayor in New York? _Oser!_ And with this here Hindenberg, you
+could tell from the feller's face that for all he understands about the
+English language, Abe, the word _mayor_ don't exist at all. As for the
+way they choose a mayor in America, that _grobe Kerl_ couldn't tell you
+whether they _elect_ a mayor, _appoint_ a mayor, or _cut_ for a
+mayor--aces low. And that's the way it goes in New York, Abe. They think
+that the whole of Europe is watching with palpitations of the heart to
+see who is going to be elected mayor of New York, and they never stop to
+figure that there ain't six persons out of the six millions in New York
+which could tell you the name of the mayor of London, Paris, Berlin,
+Vienna, St. Petersburg, or, for that matter, Yonkers or Jersey City."
+
+"From the mayor which they finally chose in New York, Mawruss," Abe
+commented, "a feller needn't got to be so terribly ignorant as all that
+to suppose that not only did the people of New York, instead of voting
+for mayor, _cut_ for him, aces low, y'understand, but that they also
+turned up the ace."
+
+"They turned up what they wanted to turn up, Abe," Morris said, "which
+the way the people of New York City elects Tammany Hall every few years,
+Abe, it makes you think that everybody should have a vote, except
+convicts, idiots, minors, Indians not taxed, and people that live in New
+York City."
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON REVOLUTIONIZING THE REVOLUTION BUSINESS
+
+   If Kerensky would have had experience as a traveling salesman it
+   wouldn't hurt him to be spending his entire time commuting between
+   Moscow and Petersburg.
+
+
+"What they want to do in Russland," Abe Potash declared, one morning in
+November, "is to have one last revolution, and stick _to_ it."
+
+"It ain't Russia which is having them revolutions," Morris Perlmutter
+observed. "It's the Russian revolutionists. Them boys have been standing
+around doing nothing for years, Abe, in fact ever since nineteen five,
+and now that they got a job they figure that why should they finish it
+up, because revolutionists' work is piece-work, and just so soon as a
+revolution is over, as a general thing, the revolutionists gets laid
+off--up against a wall at sunrise."
+
+"Well, them boys is certainly nursing their job this time, Mawruss," Abe
+continued. "The way them fellers is acting up over there it wouldn't
+surprise me a bit if most of the Russian merchants would move to
+Mexico, so as they could carry on their business in peace and quietness,
+y'understand. What the idea of all these here revolutions is I don't
+know. They've got the Czar living in a cold-water walk-up, and you could
+go the length and breadth of Russia with a ballet-dancer as a decoy
+without running across so much as one grand duke peeking through the
+window-blinds, y'understand. So what more do them Russians want?"
+
+"For one thing," Morris explained, "the peasants insists that all the
+land in Russland should be divided up between them."
+
+"What for?" Abe asked.
+
+"They probably see a chance to get a little real estate free of charge,"
+Morris replied.
+
+"_Aber_ what good would that do them?" Abe said. "Because in a country
+where revolutions is liable to happen every day in the week except
+Saturdays from nine to twelve-thirty, y'understand, there ain't much
+market for real estate, and, besides, Mawruss, if them poor peasants
+only knew what a dawg's life it is in the real-estate business,
+understand me, even when times is good, they would of got such
+_Rachmonos_ for the Czar with his twenty-two million five hundred and
+forty-three thousand two hundred and twenty-nine versts of unimproved
+property, that instead of getting up a revolution, they would of got up
+a meeting and passed resolutions of sympathy."
+
+"The chances is they would of done it, anyway, if it wouldn't been for
+this here Kerensky," Morris declared. "What that feller don't know
+about running a revolution, Abe, if Carranza, Villa, and Huerta would
+have known it, they would have had two years ago already a chain of
+five-and-ten-cent revolutions doing a good business all the way from the
+Rio Grande to Cape Horn. Yes, Abe, compared with a boss revolutionist
+like Kerensky, y'understand, these here Mexican revolutionists is just,
+so to speak, _learners_ on revolutionists."
+
+"Then if that's the case, Mawruss, how does it come that one after
+another, Korniloff, Lenine, and Trotzky, practically puts this here
+Kerensky out of business as a revolutionist?" Abe asked.
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," Morris said. "A feller which is running a
+revolution in Russland has not only got to got nerve, y'understand, but
+he's also got to be able to stand very long hours. Also it is necessary
+for him to do a whole lot of traveling, because no sooner does such a
+feller set up his government in Petersburg, y'understand, than the
+Petersburg Local Number One of the Amalgamated Workingmen's and
+Soldiers' Union is liable to chase him and his government all the way to
+Moscow, y'understand, and hardly does he get busy in Moscow, understand
+me, than he gets in bad with the Moscow Local Number One of the same
+union, and so on vice versa. In fact, in a couple of weeks he's liable
+to be vice-versad that way a half a dozen times, which if Kerensky would
+have had experience as a traveling salesman, Abe, it wouldn't hurt him
+to be practically spending his entire time commuting between Moscow and
+Petersburg, but before this here Kerensky became a revolutionist he used
+to was in the law business, and besides he enjoys very poor health and
+is liable to die any moment."
+
+"What's the matter with him?" Abe asked.
+
+"I understand he's got kidney trouble," Morris replied.
+
+"Well, if that feller would get an opportunity to die of kidney trouble,
+Mawruss, he should ought to take advantage of it," Abe commented,
+"because if you was to look up in the files of the Petersburg Department
+of Health what is the figures on the cause of death in the case of
+revolutionists, Mawruss, you would probably find something like this:
+
+ Explosions                            91.31416%
+ Gun-shot wounds, including revolvers,
+   air-rifles, machine-guns, cannons,
+   armored tanks, torpedoes, and
+   unclassified                         8.99999
+ Knife wounds, including razors, cold
+   chisels, pickaxes, and cloth and grass
+   cutting apparatus                    0.563
+ Natural causes, including hardening of
+   the arteries                         a trace."
+
+"What do you mean--natural causes?" Morris said. "When a revolutionist
+dies a natural death, it's a pure accident."
+
+"Did I say it wasn't?" Abe said. "But at the same time some Russian
+revolutionists lives longer than others, because being a Russian
+revolutionist is more or less a matter of training. Take this here
+feller which is now conducting the Russian revolution under the name of
+Trotzky, and used to was conducting a New York trolley-car under the
+name of Braunstein, y'understand, and when the time comes--which it
+_will_ come--when his offices will be surrounded by a mob of a hundred
+thousand Russian working-men and soldiers, understand me, all that this
+here Trotzky _alias_ Braunstein will do is to shout '_Fares, please_,'
+and he'll go through that crowd of working-men like a--well, like a New
+York trolley-car conductor going through a crowd of working-men."
+
+"From what is happening in Mexico and Russia," Morris observed, "it
+seems that when a country gets a revolution on its hands it's like a
+feller with a boil on his neck. He's going to keep on having them until
+he gets 'em entirely out of his system."
+
+"Well, Russia has had such an awful siege of them," Abe said, "that you
+would think she was immune by this time."
+
+"It's the freedom breaking out on her," Morris said.
+
+"It seems, however," said Abe, "that in Russia there are as many kinds
+of freedom as there are fellers that want a job running a revolution.
+There was the Kerensky brand of freedom which was quite popular for a
+while; then Korniloff tried to market another brand of freedom and made
+a failure of it, and now Trotzky and Lenine are putting out the T. and
+L. Brand of Self-rising Freedom in red packages, and seem to be doing
+quite a good business, too."
+
+"Sure I know," Morris agreed. "But you would think that freedom was
+freedom and that there could be no arguments about it, so why the devil
+do them poor Russian working-men go on fighting each other, Abe?"
+
+"They want an immediate peace with Germany," Abe said, "and the way it
+looks now, they would still be fighting each other for an immediate
+peace with Germany ten years after the war is over, because if them
+Russian working-men was to get an immediate peace _immediately_,
+Mawruss, they would have to go to work again, and you know as well as I
+do, Mawruss, the very last thing that a Russian working-man thinks of,
+y'understand, is working."
+
+"Well in a way, you couldn't blame the Russians for what is going on in
+Russland, Abe," Morris said. "For years already the Socialists has been
+telling them poor _Nebiches_ what a rotten time the working-men had
+_before_ the social revolution, y'understand, and what a good time the
+working-man is going to have _after_ the social revolution, understand
+me, but what kind of a time the working-man would have _during_ the
+social revolution, THAT the Socialists left for them poor Russians to
+find out for themselves, and when those working-men who come through it
+alive begin to figure the profit and loss on the transaction, Abe, the
+whole past life of one of those Socialist leaders is going to flash
+before his eyes just before the drop falls, y'understand, and one of
+his pleasantest recollections--if you can call recollections pleasant on
+such an occasion--will be the happy days he spent knocking down fares on
+the Third and Amsterdam Avenue cars."
+
+"Then I take it you 'ain't got a whole lot of sympathy for the
+Socialists, Mawruss," Abe said.
+
+"Not since when I was a greenhorn I used to work at buttonhole-making,
+and I heard a Socialist feller on East Houston Street hollering that
+under a socialistic system the laborer would get the whole fruits of his
+labor," Morris said. "Pretty near all that night I lay awake figuring to
+myself that if I could make twelve buttonholes every ten minutes, which
+would be seventy-two buttonholes an hour or seven hundred and twenty
+buttonholes a day, Abe, how many buttonholes would I have in a year
+under a socialistic system, and after I had them, what would I do with
+them? The consequence was, I overslept myself and came down late to the
+shop next morning, and it was more than two days before I found another
+job."
+
+"Well, that ain't much of an argument against socialism," Abe remarked.
+
+"Not to most people it wouldn't be, but it was an awful good argument to
+me, and I really think it saved me from becoming a Socialist," Morris
+said.
+
+"You a Socialist!" Abe exclaimed. "How could a feller like you become a
+Socialist? I belong to the same lodge with you now for ten years, and in
+all that time you've never had nerve enough to get up and say even so
+much as '_I second the motion_.'"
+
+"But there are two classes of Socialists, Abe--talkers and the
+listeners, and while I admit the talkers are in the big majority, the
+work of the listeners is just so important. They are the fellers which
+try out the ideas of the talkers, the only difference being that while
+such talkers as Herr Liebknecht and Rosa Luxembourg gets a lot of
+publicity out of going to jail for handing out socialistic ideas,
+y'understand, the funerals which the listeners get for trying such ideas
+out are very, very private."
+
+"At that, them talking Socialists which is taking shifts with each other
+in running the Russian government must be putting in a pretty busy time,
+Mawruss, because there's a whole lot of detail to such a job, and while
+past experience as a street-car conductor may give the necessary
+endurance, it don't help out much when it comes to systematizing the
+day's work of a Russian dictator. For instance, we would say that he
+goes into office at nine o'clock with the help of the One Hundred and
+First Kazan Regiment, six companies of Cossacks, and the Tenth Poltava
+Separate Company of Machine-Gunners. After making a socialistic address
+to the survivors he washes off the blood and puts on a clean collar, or,
+in the case of a Bolsheviki dictator, he only washes off the blood.
+
+"The next thing on the program is to ring up a few flag and bunting
+concerns and ask for representatives to call about taking an order for a
+few national flags. They arrive half an hour later, and after making a
+socialistic address, y'understand, he picks out a design for immediate
+delivery, because even a few hours' delay will make a design for a
+Russian national flag as big a sticker as a nineteen-ten-model runabout.
+
+"When he's got the flag off his mind he next interviews the Russian
+composers, Glazounow, Borodine, Arensky, and Scriabine, and after making
+a socialistic address he invites them they should submit a new national
+anthem, the only requirements being that it should contain a reference
+to the fact that under the old competitive system the working-man did
+not receive the whole fruits of his labor, and that delivery should be
+made not later than twelve-thirty P.M. He then goes over to the mint to
+decide upon models for a new gold coinage and to confiscate as much of
+the old one as they have on hand. After making a socialistic address to
+the director of the mint and his staff, y'understand, he agrees that the
+old, clean-shaven Kerensky designs shall be altered by adding whiskers,
+because you know as well as I do, Mawruss, when it comes to the portrait
+on a gold coin, nobody is going to take it so particular about the
+likeness not being so good as long as it ain't plugged.
+
+"He then goes back to his office and prepares a socialistic address to
+be delivered to the duma, a socialistic address to be delivered to the
+army, and three or four more socialistic addresses with the names in
+blank for use in case of emergency," Abe continued, "and so one way or
+another he is kept busy right up to the time when word comes that his
+successor has just left Tsarskoe-Seloe with the Thirty-second
+Nijni-Novgorod Infantry and a regiment composed of contingents from the
+Ladies' Aid Society of the First Universalist Church of Minsk, Daughters
+of the Revolution of Nineteen five, the Y.W.H.A., and the Women's City
+Club of Odessa. Twenty minutes later he is on board a boat bound for
+Sweden, and after looking up the _Ganeves_ in his state-room he comes up
+on deck and spends the rest of the trip making socialistic addresses to
+the crew, the passengers, and the cargo."
+
+"Having to go and live in Sweden ain't such a pleasant fate, neither,"
+Morris observed.
+
+"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "There's only one thing that a Russian
+revolutionary dictator really and truly worries about."
+
+"What is that?" Morris said.
+
+"Losing his voice," Abe said.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE SUGAR QUESTION
+
+   One lump, or two, please?
+
+
+"Ain't it terrible the way you couldn't buy no sugar in New York,
+nowadays, Mawruss?" Abe Potash said, one morning in November.
+
+"Let the people _not_ eat sugar," Morris Perlmutter declared. "These are
+war-times, Abe."
+
+"Suppose they are war-times," Abe retorted, "must everybody act like
+they had diabetes? Sugar is just so much a food as butter and milk and
+_gefullte Rinderbrust_."
+
+"I know it is," Morris agreed, "but most people eat it because it's
+sweet, and they like it."
+
+"Then it's your idea that on account of the war people should eat only
+them foods which they don't like?" Abe inquired.
+
+"That ain't _my_ idea, Abe," Morris protested; "I got it from reading
+letters to the editors written by Pro Bono Publicos and other fellers
+which is taking advantage of the only opportunity they will ever have to
+figure in the newspapers outside of the births, marriages, and deaths,
+y'understand. Them fellers all insist that until the war is over
+everything in the way of sweetening should be left out of American life,
+and some of 'em even go so far as to claim that we should ought to swear
+off pepper and salt also. Their idea is that until we lick the Germans
+the American people should leave off going to the theayter, riding in
+automobiles, playing golluf, baseball, and auction pinochle, and reading
+magazines and story-books, y'understand. In fact, they say that the
+American people should devote themselves to their business, but what
+business the fellers which is in the show business, the automobile
+business, and the magazine-publishing business should devote themselves
+to don't seem to of occurred to these here Pro Bono Publicos at all."
+
+"I guess them newspaper-letter writers which is trying to beat out their
+own funeral notices must of got their dope from this here Frank J.
+Vanderlip," Abe commented, "which I read it somewheres that he comes out
+with a brogan that a dollar spent for unnecessary things is an
+unpatriotic dollar."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said, "but he left it to the spender's judgment
+as to what was necessary and what was unnecessary, Abe, which even
+President Wilson himself finds it necessary once in a while to go to a
+theayter in order to forget the way them Pro Bono Publicos is nagging at
+him, morning, noon, and night."
+
+"But the country must got to get very busy if we expect to win,
+Mawruss," Abe said, "and them Pro Bonos thinks it's up to them to make
+the people realize what a serious proposition we've got on our hands."
+
+"That's all right, too," Morris agreed, "but it would be a whole lot
+more serious if the people become _Meshuggah_ from melancholia before we
+got half-way through with the war. Even when times is prosperous only a
+very few of the _Leute_ takes more amusement than is necessary for 'em,
+Abe, and that's why I say that this here Frank J. Vanderlip knew what he
+was talking about when he didn't say what things was unnecessary. For
+instance, Abe, if a Pro Bono Publico, on account of the war, cuts out
+taking a summer vacation for a couple of hundred dollars, and in
+consequence gets a breakdown from overwork and has to spend five hundred
+dollars for doctor bills, all you've got to do is to strike a balance
+and you can see for yourself that he has spent three hundred unnecessary
+unpatriotic dollars."
+
+"Well, doctors has got to have money to buy Liberty Bonds with the same
+like anybody else, Mawruss," Abe commented.
+
+"I know they have," Morris agreed, "and that's why I say the great
+mistake which these here Pro Bonos makes is that the war is going to be
+fought only with the money which is saved, whereas if them boys had any
+experience collecting for an orphan asylum or a hospital, Abe, they
+would know that it ain't the tight-wads which come across. Yes, Abe, you
+could take it from me, the very people which is cutting out theayters,
+automobile rides, and auction pinochle for the duration of the war would
+think twice before they invest the money they save that way in anything
+which don't bear interest at the rate of six per cent. per annum."
+
+"You may be right, Mawruss," Abe said, "but arguments about how to
+finance the war is like double-faced twelve-inch phonograph records.
+There's a good deal to be said on both sides, which it looks like a dead
+open-and-shut proposition to me that people couldn't buy no Liberty
+Bonds with the money they spend for theayter tickets."
+
+"But the feller which runs the theayter could, and he must also got to
+pay the government a tax on the money which he gets that way," Morris
+retorted.
+
+"But how about the money which the theayter-owner must got to pay in
+wages to actors, play-writers, ushers, and the _Rosher_ which sells
+tickets in the box-office?" Abe argued.
+
+"Well, how are all them loafers going to buy Liberty Bonds if they
+wouldn't get their money that way?" Morris asked. "So you see how it is,
+Abe: the feller which saves all his money for the duration of the war
+ain't such a big _Tzaddik_ as you would think, because even if he
+invests the whole thing in Liberty Bonds, which he ain't likely to do,
+all he gets for his money is Liberty Bonds, and at the same time he is
+helping to ruin a lot of business men and throw their employees out of
+their jobs, and incidentally he is also doing the best he knows how to
+make the whole country sick and tired of the war. _Aber_ you take one of
+them fellers which goes once in a while to the theayter for the duration
+of the war, y'understand, and indirectly he is handing the government
+just so much money as the tight-wad, the only difference being that the
+government ain't paying him no interest on it, and he is also helping to
+keep the show business going and to pay the wages of the actors and all
+them other low-lives which makes a living out of the show business."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But how is the government going to get men
+for the ammunition-factories if they are busy making automobiles for
+joy-riding _oder_ fooling away their time as actors, Mawruss?"
+
+"That is up to the government and not to the Pro Bono Publicos," Morris
+declared, "which if the theayters has got to be closed, Abe, I would a
+whole lot sooner have it done by the government as by a bunch of Pro
+Bono Publicos, which not only never goes to the theayter _anyway_, but
+also gets more pleasure from seeing their foolishness printed in the
+newspaper than you or I would from seeing the Follies of nineteen
+seventeen to nineteen fifty inclusive."
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss," Abe said, "admitting that all which you
+say is true, y'understand, I seen a whole lot of fellers which is
+working as actors during the past few years, Mawruss, and with the
+exception of six, may be, it would _oser_ do the show business any harm
+_if_ them fellers was to become operators on pants, let alone
+ammunition. It's the same way with the automobile business also. If
+seventy-five per cent. of the people which runs automobiles was
+compelled to give them up to-morrow, Mawruss, the thing they would miss
+most of all would be the bills from the repair-shop robbers. So that's
+the way it goes, Mawruss. It don't make no difference what a Pro Bono
+Publico writes to the newspaper, y'understand, he couldn't do a
+hundredth part as much to make people cut out going to the theayter for
+the duration of the war as the feller in the show business does when he
+puts on a rotten show. Also Mr. Vanderlip has got a good line of talk
+about Americans acting economical, y'understand, but he's practically
+encouraging the people that they should throw away their money left and
+right on automobiles, compared to some of them automobile-manufacturers
+which depends upon their repair departments for their profits."
+
+"I understand that right now, Abe, the automobile business is falling
+off something terrible," Morris continued, "and the show business also."
+
+"Sure it is," Abe said, "because so soon as the government put taxes on
+theayter tickets and automobiles, Mawruss, the people was bound to
+figure it out that it was bad enough they should got to pay taxes on
+their assets without being soaked ten per cent. on their liabilities
+also. And if I would be a Pro Bono Publico which, _Gott sei dank_, I
+couldn't write good enough English to break into the newspapers,
+Mawruss, the argument I would make is that people should leave off being
+suckers for the duration of the war, and the whole matter of spending
+money foolishly on theayter tickets and automobiles would adjust itself
+without any assistance from the government, y'understand."
+
+"Well, everything else failing, them automobile-dealers and
+theayter-owners could get up a war bazaar for themselves," Morris
+suggested, "which I seen it the other day in the papers where they run
+off a war bazaar in New York and raised over seventy thousand dollars
+for some fellers in the advertising business."
+
+"Has the advertising business also been affected by the war?" Abe asked.
+
+"The business of _some_ advertising agents has," replied Morris, "which
+it seems that the standard rates for advertising agents who solicited
+advertisements for war-bazaar programs was any sum realized by the
+bazaar over and above one-tenth of one per cent. of the net proceeds,
+which the advertising men agreed should be devoted to wounded American
+soldiers or starving Belgiums, according to the name of the bazaar."
+
+"Maybe them advertising agents earned their money at that, Mawruss," Abe
+said, "which the average advertising solicitor would need to do a whole
+lot of talking before he could convince me that an advertisement in a
+war-bazaar program has got any draught to speak about, because you take
+a feller in the pants business, y'understand, and if he would get an
+order for one-twelfth dozen pants out of all the advertisements which he
+would stick in war-bazaar programs from the beginning of the war up to
+the time when running a war bazaar first offense is going to be the
+equivalence of not less than from five to ten years, understand me, it
+would be big already."
+
+"At the same time," Morris protested, "if people is foolish enough to
+blow in their money advertising by war-bazaar programs, Abe, it don't
+seem unreasonable to me that the advertising agents and the starving
+Belgiums should go fifty-fifty on the proceeds, and the way it looks
+now, Abe, the New York grand jury is going to agree with me after they
+get through investigating the bills for advertising in connection with
+the army and navy bazaars."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But why should the grand jury investigate
+only the advertising? Why don't a grand-juryman for once in his life do
+a little something to earn his salary and investigate what becomes of
+the articles which young ladies sells chances on at war bazaars? It
+would also be a slight satisfaction for them easy marks which
+contributes merchandise to a war bazaar if the grand jury could send out
+tracers after the goods which remained in stock when the bazaar was
+officially declared closed by the parties named in the indictment."
+
+"What do you think--a New York grand jury has got nothing else to
+investigate for the rest of the twentieth century except one war
+bazaar?" Morris inquired. "The way you talk you would think that they
+had nothing better to do with their time than the people which goes to
+war bazaars, which the reason why them advertising men went wrong was
+that they were practically encouraged to run crooked war bazaars by the
+hundreds of thousands of people who wouldn't loosen up for charity
+unless they could get something for their money besides the good they
+are doing."
+
+"Well, that only goes to show how one minute you argue one way, and the
+next you say something entirely different again," Abe said.
+
+"Is that so?" Morris exclaimed. "Well, so far as I could see, Abe, you
+ain't on a strict diet, neither, when it comes to eating your own
+words."
+
+"Maybe I ain't," Abe admitted, "but it seems to me that people might
+just so well pass on their money to the Red Cross through war bazaars as
+pass it on to the government through buying theayter tickets the way you
+argued a few minutes since."
+
+"The Red Cross is one thing and the government another," Morris
+retorted. "If people spend money at a war bazaar maybe one per cent. of
+it reaches the Red Cross and maybe it don't, whereas if they spend at a
+theayter, the government gets ten per cent. net, and the transaction
+'ain't got to be audited by the grand jury, neither."
+
+"Then you ain't in favor that people should give their money to the Red
+Cross?" Abe said.
+
+"_Gott soll huten!_" Morris cried. "People should give all they could to
+the Red Cross and the government also, but while they are doing it,
+Abe, it ain't no more necessary that they should encourage a crooked
+advertising agent as that they should ruin a hard-working feller in the
+show business. Am I right or wrong?"
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS HOW TO PUT THE SPURT IN THE EXPERT
+
+
+"When does the Shipping Commission expect to begin shipments on those
+ships?" Abe Potash asked, as he laid down the morning paper a few days
+after Thanksgiving.
+
+"I don't know," Morris Perlmutter replied. "The way the newspapers was
+talking last April, Abe, it looked like by the first of September our
+production would be so far ahead of our orders for ships that President
+Wilson would have to organize a special department to handle the
+cancellations, y'understand, but from what I could see now, Abe, by next
+spring the nearest them Shipping Commission fellers will have come to
+deliveries on ships is that this here Hurley will be getting writer's
+cramp from signing letters to the attorneys for the people which ordered
+ships that in reply to your favor of the tenth inst. would say that we
+expect to ship the ships not later than July first at the latest, and
+oblige."
+
+"But I thought that even before we went to war with Germany, Mawruss, a
+couple of inventors made it an invention of a ship which could be built
+of yellow pine in ninety days net."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But the Shipping Commission couldn't make
+up their minds whether them yellow-pine ships would be any good even
+after they _were_ built, on account some professional experts claimed
+that yellow pine shrinks in water to the extent of .00031416 milliegrams
+to the kilowatt-hour, or .000000001 per cent., and other professional
+experts said, '_Yow_ .00031416 milliegrams!' and that .00000031416 would
+be big already, and that also what them first experts didn't know from
+the shrinkage of yellow pine, understand me."
+
+"Well, why didn't the Shipping Commission build a sample ship from
+yellow pine?" Abe suggested. "It's already nine months since the war
+started, and by this time such a ship could have been in the water long
+enough for them Shipping Commission fellers to judge which experts was
+right."
+
+"And suppose she did shrink a little," Morris said, "she could have been
+anyhow disposed of '_as is_' to somebody who didn't take it so
+particular to the fraction of an inch how much yellow pine he gets in a
+yellow-pine ship."
+
+"I give you right, Mawruss," Abe agreed, "but then, you see, an idee
+like that would never occur to a professional expert, Mawruss, because
+it has the one big objection that it might prove the other experts was
+right when they didn't agree with him, which that is the trouble with
+professional experts. The important thing to them ain't so much the
+articles on which they experts, as what big experts they are on such
+articles.
+
+"Take this here Lewis machine-gun, Mawruss," Abe continued, "and when
+Colonel Lewis puts it up to the army experts, y'understand, naturally
+them experts says, 'Well, if we are such big experts on machine-guns, we
+should ought to know a whole lot more about machine-guns as Colonel
+Lewis, and what does that _Schlemiel_ know about machine-guns,
+_anyway_?' so they sent Colonel Lewis a notice that they would not be
+responsible for goods left over thirty days, and the consequence was
+Colonel Lewis sold his machine-gun to the English army."
+
+"And he didn't have to be such a cracker-jack high-grade A-number-one
+salesman to do that, neither," Morris commented, "because if his only
+talking point to the English experts was that the American experts had
+turned down his gun, y'understand, the English experts would give him a
+big order without even asking him to unpack his samples."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But if Colonel Lewis would of had the
+interests of America at heart, Mawruss, he should ought to have offered
+his machine-gun to the English experts first, understand me, and after
+he had got out of the observation ward, which the English experts would
+just naturally send him to as a dangerous American crank with a foolish
+idea for a machine-gun, y'understand, the American experts would have
+taken his entire output at his own terms."
+
+[Illustration: "'Well, if we are such big experts on machine-guns, we
+should ought to know a whole lot more about machine-guns as Colonel
+Lewis, and what does that _Schlemiel_ know about machine-guns,
+_anyway_?'"]
+
+"After all, you can't kick about such mistakes being made, because
+that's the trouble about being a new beginner in any business," Morris
+said. "It don't make no difference whether it would be war or pants,
+Abe, you start out with one big liability, and that is the advice
+proposition. Twice as many new beginners goes under from accepting what
+they thought was good advice as from accepting what they thought was
+good accounts, Abe, and them fellers on the Shipping Commission deserves
+a great deal of credit that they already made such fine progress. You
+can just imagine what this here Hurley which he used to was in the
+railroad business must be up against from his friends which has been in
+the ship-building business for years already. The chance is that every
+time Mr. Hurley goes out on the street one of them old ship-building
+friends comes up to him with that good-advice expression on his face and
+says: '_Nu_, Hurley. How are they coming?' which it don't make a bit of
+difference to such a feller whether Mr. Hurley would say, '_So, so_,'
+'_Pretty good_,' or '_Rotten_,' y'understand, he might just as well save
+his breath, on account the good-advice feller is going to get it off his
+chest, anyhow.
+
+"'You're lucky at that,' the good-advice feller says, 'because I just
+met your assistant designer, Jake Rashkin, and he tells me you are
+getting out a line of whalebacks in pastel shades.'
+
+"'Well, why not?' Hurley says.
+
+"'Why not!' the friend exclaims. 'You mean to tell me that you don't
+know even that much about the ship-building business, that you would
+actually go to work and make up for the fall trade a line of whalebacks
+in pastel shades? Honestly, Hurley, I must say I am surprised at you.'
+And for the next twenty minutes he gives Hurley the names and dates of
+six voluntary bankrupts, all of whom started in the ship-building
+business by making up a line of whalebacks in pastel shades, together
+with the details of just what them fellers is doing for a living to-day
+from selling cigars on commission downwards.
+
+"Naturally, Hurley hustles right back to the shop and tells the foreman
+that if they 'ain't already started on that last batch of whalebacks in
+pastel shades, not to mind, and he spends the rest of the afternoon
+getting his operators busy on a couple of hundred oil-burning boats in
+solid colors, like reds, greens, and blues. The consequence is that the
+next day at lunch another old friend comes up to him, which used to was
+in the ship-building business when the record from New York to Liverpool
+was nineteen days ten hours and forty-five minutes, y'understand, and
+says: '_Nu_, Hurley. How is the busy little ship-builder to-day?'
+
+"'Pretty good,' Hurley says. 'I'm just getting to work on a big line of
+oil-burners in solid colors, like reds, greens, and blues.'
+
+"'No!' the old ship-builder says.
+
+"'Sure!' Hurley tells him, and after they have said 'No!' and 'Sure!' a
+couple of dozen times it appears that if a new beginner in the
+ship-building business lays in a stock of plain-colored oil-burning
+boats he might just so well kiss himself good-by with his ship-building
+business and be done with it. Also it seems that the only line of goods
+for a new beginner in the ship-building business to specialize in is
+whalebacks in pastel shades, Abe, and that's the way it goes."
+
+"At that we're a whole lot better off as England was when she started in
+as a new beginner in the war business," Abe commented. "Mr. Hurley was,
+anyhow, in the railroad business when he took over the ship-building
+job, and we've got other men which were high-grade dry-goods and
+hardware men before they threw up their business to help the government
+branch out into the war business, y'understand, but if we would got to
+depend on somebody who was trying to run a shipyard with the experience
+he had got from being national lawn-tennis champion for the years
+nineteen hundred to nineteen sixteen inclusive, or if President Wilson
+had the idee that for a man to be the right man in the right place,
+y'understand, he should ought to have the gumption and business ability
+which a feller naturally picks up in the course of being an earl or a
+duke, understand me, the best we could hope for would be a fleet of six
+rebuilt tugboats by the fall of nineteen fifty."
+
+"It wasn't England's fault that she made such a mistake, Abe," Morris
+said. "Up to the time Germany started this war it used to was considered
+that if nations did got to go to war, y'understand, the best way to go
+about it was to put it in charge of a good sport like a tennis champion
+would naturally have to be, and as for the earls and the dukes, the
+theory on which them fellers fooled away their time was that they was
+just resting up between wars, Abe, because they was, anyhow, gentlemen,
+and it was England's idea that all a soldier had to be was a gentleman.
+But nowadays that's already a thing of the past. The way Germany fixed
+things with her long-distance cannons, her liquid fire, gas, and
+Zeppelins, a soldier don't have to be so much of a gentleman as an
+inventor, a chemist, an engineer, and a general all-around hustler."
+
+"In fact, Mawruss," Abe said, "a German soldier don't need to be a
+gentleman at all, because when it comes to stealing chateau furniture,
+destroying cathedrals, burning houses, and chopping down fruit-trees,
+any experience as a gentleman wouldn't be much of a help to a German
+soldier."
+
+"That's what I am telling you, Abe," Morris declared. "Germany has made
+war a business, y'understand, and she figures that a gentleman in the
+war business is like a gentleman in the pants business. He ain't going
+to make any more or better pants by being a gentleman, y'understand, and
+if we are going to win this war, Abe, we should ought to stop beefing
+about German soldiers not being gentlemen, and take into consideration
+the fact that while German engineers, chemists, inventors, and
+submarine-builders may not know whether you play lawn tennis with a cue,
+mallet, or a full deck of fifty-two cards including the joker, Abe, you
+can bet your life that they know an awful lot about engineering,
+chemistry, and building submarines, and they don't need no so-called
+experts to help them, neither."
+
+"And you can also bet your life, Mawruss, that no German would have
+turned down Colonel Lewis's machine-guns," Abe said, "the way them
+experts of ours did."
+
+"Well, what is an expert to do, Abe?" Morris asked. "If he goes to work
+and recommends the government to give an inventor an order for his
+invention, he's taking a big chance that the invention wouldn't work,
+and you know as well as I do, Abe, most American experts play in
+terrible hard luck. You take these here military experts which gives
+expert opinions in the newspapers about what is going to happen next on
+the Balkan front, y'understand, and a feller could make quite a
+reputation as a military expert by simply coppering their predictions."
+
+"Well, them military experts which writes in the newspapers ain't really
+experts at all, Mawruss," Abe said. "They're just crickets, like them
+musical crickets which knows everything there is to know about, we would
+say, for example, playing on the fiddle excepting how to play on the
+fiddle."
+
+"_Aber_ what is the difference between a professional expert and a
+professional cricket, _anyway_?" Morris asked.
+
+"A professional expert is a feller which thinks he knows all about a
+business because he tried for years and he never could make a success of
+it," Abe replied, "whereas a professional cricket is a feller which
+thinks he knows all about a business because he tried for years and he
+could never even break into it."
+
+"And how could you expect to get from people like that an opinion which
+ain't on the bias?" Morris concluded.
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON BEING AN OPTICIAN AND LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT
+SIDE
+
+
+"Yes, Mawruss," Abe Potash said as he laid down the morning paper after
+glancing over the alarming head-lines, "a feller which has got stomach
+trouble or the toothache nowadays is playing in luck, because when
+you've got stomach trouble you couldn't think about nothing else, and
+what is a little thing like stomach trouble to worry over with all the
+_tzuris_ which is happening in the world nowadays?"
+
+"Well, then _have_ stomach trouble," Morris Perlmutter advised.
+
+"What do you mean--_have_ stomach trouble?" Abe said. "A man couldn't
+get stomach trouble the same way he could get drunk, Mawruss. It is
+something which is just so much beyond your control as red hair or a
+good tenor voice."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris agreed. "But what is happening in Russia and
+Italy is also beyond your control, Abe, so if them Bolsheviki is getting
+on your nerves, and you hate to pick up the paper for fear of finding
+that the Germans would have captured Venice, understand me, console
+yourself with the idee that there's a lot of brainy fellers in this
+country which is doing all they know how to handle the situation over in
+the old country, and then if you want something near at home to worry
+about like stomach trouble, y'understand, there's plenty of misfortunate
+people in orphan asylums and hospitals right here in New York City which
+will be very glad to have you worry over them in a practical way out of
+what you've got left when you're through paying income and excise profit
+taxes, Abe."
+
+"Maybe there is some people which would get so upset over having to give
+twenty dollars or so to an orphan asylum or a hospital, Mawruss, that
+for the time being they could forget how General Crozier 'ain't ordered
+the machine-guns yet," Abe said, "but me I ain't built that way. When it
+says in the papers where the Germans is sending all their soldiers away
+from the Russian front to the Italian front, y'understand, it may be
+that some people could read it and try not to worry by sending five
+dollars to them Highwaymen for Improving the Condition of the Poor,
+Mawruss, but when _I_ read it, Mawruss, I think how it's all up to them
+Bolsheviki in Russia, and I get awful sore at the poor--in especially
+the Russian poor."
+
+"What are you worrying your head about what they put in the papers?"
+Morris asked. "Seventy-five per cent. of the bridge-heads which the
+Germans capture in the New York morning papers might just so well be
+French villages, except that the reporters would have to look up the
+names of the villages on the map, because some editors are very
+particular that way; they insist that the reporter should use the name
+of a real village, whereas if he puts down that the Germans has captured
+a bridge-head on the Piave River he could go right out to lunch, and he
+never even stops to think that if somebody would check up the number of
+bridge-heads which the Germans has captured that way in the New York
+morning papers, Abe, the Piave River would got to be covered solid with
+bridges from end to end."
+
+"But I am just so bad as a reporter, Mawruss--I never stop to think
+that, neither," Abe admitted. "It's my nature that I couldn't help
+believing the foolishness which I read in the papers, and if the Germans
+capture a bridge-head on me in the Sporting Edition with Final Wall
+Street Complete they might just so well capture it in Italy and be done
+with it, because if I play cards afterward I couldn't keep my mind on
+the game, anyhow. Only last Sunday I had a three-hundred-and-fifty hand
+in spades, with an extra ace and king, understand me, when I happened to
+think about reading in the paper where the Germans is going to build for
+next spring submarines in extra sized six hundred feet long,
+y'understand, and the consequence was I forget to meld a twenty in clubs
+and lost the hand by eighteen points. Before I fell asleep that night I
+thought it over that Germany couldn't build such a big submarine as the
+papers claimed, but by that time I was out three dollars on the hand,
+_anyway_, and that's the way war affects _me_, Mawruss."
+
+"Well, that's where you are making a big mistake, Abe," Morris
+commented, "because even when the articles which they print in the
+newspaper is true, y'understand, if you only stop to figure them out
+right, Abe, you could get a whole lot of encouragement that way. Take,
+for instance, when you read _via_ Amsterdam that General Hindenberg is
+now commanding the western front, Abe, and with some people that would
+throw a big scare into 'em, y'understand, but with me not, Abe, because
+the way I look at it is from experience. I've known lots of fellers from
+seventy to seventy-five years old, Abe, and in particular my wife's
+mother's a brother Old Man Baum in the cotton-converting business.
+There's a feller which he actually went to work and married his
+stenographer when he was seventy-two, Abe, and, compared to an
+undertaking like that, running the western front would be child's play,
+Abe, and yet when all was said and done, if he went to theayter Saturday
+night and eats afterward a little chicken _a la_ King, y'understand, it
+was a case of ringing up a doctor at three o'clock Sunday morning while
+his wife's relations sat around his flat figuring the inheritance tax.
+Now, take Hindenberg which he is six months older as Old Man Baum, Abe,
+and what that feller has went through in the last three years two
+lifetimes in the cotton-converting business wouldn't be a marker to it,
+understand me, and still there are people which is worried that when he
+begins to run things on the western front, it is going to be a serious
+matter for the Allies, instead of the Germans.
+
+"Yes, Abe," Morris continued, "with all the things them Germans has got
+to attend to on the western front, it's no cinch to have on their hands
+an old man seventy-two years of age, which, if anything should happen to
+the old _Rosher_, like acute indigestion from eating too much gruel or
+lumbago, y'understand, then real generals on the western front would
+never hear the end of it."
+
+"Ain't Hindenberg also a real general?" Abe asked.
+
+"Not an old man like that, Abe," Morris replied. "He used to was a real
+general, but now he is just a mascot for the Germans and a bogey man for
+us, which I bet yer the most that feller does to help along the war is
+to wear warm woolen underwear, keep out of draughts, and not get his
+feet wet under any circumstances at his age. Furthermore, Abe, I ain't
+so sure that the Germans is withdrawing so many soldiers as they claim
+from the Russian frontier, neither, y'understand, because the way them
+Bolsheviki has swung around to Germany must sound to the Kaiser almost
+too good to be true, and I bet yer also he figures that maybe it isn't
+because nobody knows better as the Kaiser how much reliance you could
+place on a deal between one country and another, even when it's in
+writing and signed by the party to be charged, which, for all any one
+could tell, whether Russia is now a government, a co-partnership, a
+corporation, or only so to speak a voluntary association, Abe, the
+Kaiser might just as well sign his peace treaty with Pavlowa and Nordkin
+as with Lenine and Trotzky, so far as binding the Russian people is
+concerned."
+
+"It ain't a peace treaty which them fellers wants to sign, Mawruss," Abe
+said. "It's a bill of sale, which I see that Lenine and Trotzky agrees
+Germany should import goods into Russia free of duty and that she should
+take Russian Poland and Courland and a lot of other territory, and if
+that's what is called making peace, Mawruss, then you might just as well
+say that a lawsuit is compromised by allowing the feller which sues to
+get a judgment and have the sheriff collect on it."
+
+"And at that, Abe," Morris said, "there ain't a German merchant which
+wouldn't be only too delighted to swap his rights to import goods into
+Russia free of duty _after the war_ for three-quarters of a pound of
+porterhouse steak and a ten-cent loaf of white bread right now, which
+the way food is so scarce nowadays in Germany, Abe, when a Berlin
+business man's family gets through with the Sunday dinner, and the
+servant-girl clears off the table, there's no use asking should she give
+the bones to the dog, because the chances is they _are_ the dog,
+understand me. As for sugar, we think we've got a kick coming when we
+could only get two teaspoonfuls to a cup of coffee for five cents,
+y'understand, whereas in Germany they would consider themselves lucky if
+they could get two teaspoonfuls to a gallon of coffee if they had a
+gallon of coffee in the entire country, understand me. So that's the way
+it goes in Germany, Abe; the people ask for bread and they give 'em a
+report on Norwegian steamers sunk by U-boats during the current week,
+and if one of the steamers was loaded with sugar, y'understand, that
+ain't going to be much satisfaction to a German which has got a sweet
+tooth and has been trying to make out with one two-grain saccharin
+tablet every forty-eight hours, neither."
+
+"But the Germans seems to be making a lot of progress everywheres," Abe
+said.
+
+"Except at home," Morris declared. "Maybe the German people still feels
+encouraged when the German army gets ahold of more territory, Abe, but
+it's a question of a short time now when the German people is going to
+realize that they don't need no more room to starve in than they've got
+at present, and that a nation can go broke just as comfortably in nine
+hundred thousand square miles as it can in nine million square miles."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe agreed, "but one thing Germany has fixed already,
+Mawruss, and that is that she is going to get a whole lot of customers
+in Russia."
+
+"Well, if she does," Morris commented, "she'll have to provide the
+capital to set them customers up in business, and after she has done
+that, Abe, she will have to hustle around to drum up trade for them
+Russian customers, because when the Bolsheviki get through with their
+fine work in Russia, Abe, the Russian people won't have enough
+purchasing power to make it a fair territory for a salesman with a line
+of five-and-ten-cent store supplies. So if Germany started this here war
+to get more trade, she's already licked."
+
+"Then what does she go on fighting for?" Abe asked. "It seems to me that
+if we saw we couldn't accomplish nothing by going on fighting, Mawruss,
+we'd stop, ain't it?"
+
+"Sure we would," Morris agreed. "But then, Abe, we 'ain't got nothing to
+stop us from stopping, because we ain't fighting for the sake of
+fighting, the way Von Tirpitz, Mackensen, and Ludendorff are doing.
+Take, for instance, Von Tirpitz, and that _Rosher_ insists that the
+U-boats is going to win the war, so it don't make no difference to him
+how many German sailors goes down in U-boats, he's going to keep on
+sending out U-boats right up to the time the German people shoots him,
+and his last words will be that the reason why the U-boats didn't win
+the war was because they didn't have a fair trial. Then there's
+Mackensen and Ludendorff which they've got _their_ idees about how the
+war should be won, and they mean to see that their idees continue to
+have a fair trial till there ain't enough German soldiers alive to give
+them idees a fair trial, and that's the way it goes, Abe. All the idees
+that we want to give a fair trial is that we are going to keep on
+fighting till we've proved to the German people that it don't pay to
+back up the Von Tirpitz, Ludendorff, and Mackensen idees."
+
+"And how long is this going to take?" Abe inquired.
+
+"Not so long as you think, Abe," Morris replied, "because Germany may
+have made peace with Russia, but she has still got fighting against her
+England, France, Italy, America, Starvation, Bad Business, Conceit,
+Lies, and Stubbornness."
+
+"And in the mean time, Mawruss," Abe said, "what's going to happen to
+us?"
+
+"Don't worry about us," Morris said. "All America has got to do is to
+try to be an optician and look on the bright side of things, and she's
+bound to win out in the end."
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+THE LIQUOR QUESTION--SHALL IT BE DRY OR EXTRA DRY?
+
+   Light wines don't harm an awful lot of people, for the same reason
+   that there ain't much pneumonia caused by people getting damp from
+   using finger-bowls.
+
+
+"Yes, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, the day after the prohibition amendment
+was adopted by the House of Representatives, "there's a lot of people
+going around taking credit for this here prohibition which in reality is
+living examples of the terrible effects not drinking schnapps has on the
+human race--suppose any one wanted to argue that way--whereas if you was
+to put the people wise which is actually responsible for the country
+going dry, y'understand, they would be too indignant to call you a liar
+before they could hit you with anything that lay most handy behind the
+bar from an ice-pick to an empty bottle, understand me."
+
+"I always had an idea myself that what was responsible for prohibition,
+Abe, was that the people is sore at booze," Morris Perlmutter retorted.
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But the people would be just so sore at
+candy if the fellers which runs candy-stores acted the way
+saloon-keepers does, which you take a feller like this here Huyler, or
+one of the Smiths in the cough-drop business, and we would say his name
+is Harris Fine, y'understand, and instead of attending to the store and
+poisining people mit candy, he goes to work to get up the Harris Fine
+Association and gives all the eighteen-dollar-a-week policemen in the
+neighborhood to understand that it's equivalent to ten dollars in their
+pockets if they wouldn't take it so particular when members of the
+Harris Fine Association commits a little thing like murder or something,
+_verstehst du mich_, why the people in the same block which wasn't
+members of the Harris Fine Association would begin to think that candy
+was getting to have a bad influence on the neighborhood, y'understand.
+Then if Harris Fine was to run for alderman and all the loafers of the
+eighth ward or whatever ward he was alderman of was to meet in the back
+room of his candy-store, Mawruss, the respectable _Leute_ which couldn't
+go past Harris Fine's candy-store without hearing somebody talking
+rotten language would go home and say that it was a shame and a disgrace
+that the eighth ward should got to have candy-stores in it. Afterward
+when he has been an alderman for some time, Mawruss, and Harris Fine
+begins to make a fortune out of the garbage-removal contracts by not
+removing garbage, y'understand, and also as a side line to candy and
+ice-cream soda, does an elegant business in asphalt-paving which
+contains one-tenth of one per cent. asphalt, y'understand, the bad
+reputation which candy has got it in the eighth ward is going to spread
+throughout the city, Mawruss, and finally, when the candy feller starts
+in to make contracts for state roads, candy gets a black eye in the
+state also, and it's only a question of time before the candy-dealer
+would go to Washington and put over a rotten deal on the national
+government, understand me, and then people like you and me which never
+touches so much as a little piece of peanut-brittle, Mawruss, starts
+right in and hollers for the national prohibition of all kinds of candy
+from gum-drops to mixed chocolates and bum-bums at a dollar and a half a
+pound."
+
+"You may be right, Abe," Morris said, "but when it comes right down to
+Bright's disease and charoses of the liver, y'understand, politics
+'ain't got nothing to do with it, because it doesn't make no difference
+to whisky whether a feller voted for Wilson _oder_ Hughes. It would just
+as lieve ruin the health and prospects of a Republican as a Democrat."
+
+"Whisky might," Abe admitted, "but how about beer and light wines,
+Mawruss, which you know as well as I do, Mawruss, a loafer must got to
+drink an awful lot of beer before he gets drunk."
+
+"Well, that's what makes the brewery business good, Abe," Morris said.
+
+"But don't you think in a great number of cases, Mawruss, beer is drunk
+to squench thirst?" Abe asked.
+
+"That's the way it's drunk in a great number of cases--twenty-four
+bottles to the case," Morris said; "but if the same people was to drink
+water the way they drink beer, Abe, instead of thirst you would think it
+was goldfish that troubled them, which I can get as thirsty as the next
+one, Abe, but I can usually manage to squench it without making an
+aquarium out of myself exactly."
+
+"_Aber_ what about light wines?" Abe inquired. "They don't harm an awful
+lot of people, Mawruss."
+
+"They don't harm an awful lot of people for the same reason that there
+ain't much pneumonia caused by people getting damp from using
+finger-bowls, Abe," Morris said, "because so far as I could see the
+American people feels the same way about light wines as they do about
+finger-bowls. They could use 'em and they could let 'em alone, and they
+feel a whole lot more comfortable when they're letting 'em alone than
+when they're using 'em."
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss," Abe said, "I think a great many people
+which is prejudiced against light wines on account of heartburn is
+laying it to the wine instead of the seventy-five-cent Italian
+table-d'hote dinner which goes with it."
+
+"Yes, and it's just as likely to be the cocktail which went before it as
+the glass of brandy which came after it, and that's the trouble with
+beer and light wine, Abe," Morris declared. "They usually ain't the only
+numbers on the program, and the feller which starts in on beer and
+light wines, Abe, soon gets such a big repertoire of drinks that he's
+performing on the bottle day and night, y'understand, which
+saloon-keepers knows better than anybody else, Abe, because if you would
+ask a saloon-keeper _oder_ a bartender to have something, y'understand,
+it's a hundred-to-one proposition that he takes a cigar and not a glass
+beer."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But once a bartender draws a glass beer,
+before he could use it again, he's got to mark off so much for
+deteriorating that it's practically a total loss, whereas he could
+always put a cigar back in the case and sell it to somebody else for
+full price in the usual course of business."
+
+"Well, that's what makes the saloon business a swindle and not a
+business, Abe," Morris said. "Just imagine, Abe, if you and me, as
+women's outer-garment manufacturers, was to lay in a line of ready-made
+men's overcoats in the expectation that after a customer has bought from
+us a big order he is going to blow me to a forty regular and you to a
+forty-four stout which we would put right back in stock as soon as his
+back is turned."
+
+"But even if the liquor business would be a dirty business, Mawruss,"
+Abe said, "you've got to consider that there's a whole lot of people
+which is making a living out of it, like bartenders and fellers working
+in distilleries, and if they get thrown out of work, y'understand, their
+wives and children is going to be just as hungry as if the fellers lost
+their jobs in a respectable business like pants or plumbers' supplies."
+
+"Say," Morris exclaimed, "if you're going to have sympathy for people
+which would get thrown out of jobs by prohibition, Abe, don't use it all
+up on bartenders and fellers working in distilleries, because there's a
+whole lot of other crooks whose families are going to be short of
+spending-money when liquor-selling stops. Take them boys which is
+running poker-rooms, faro-games, and roulette-wheels, and alcohol is
+just as necessary to their operation as ether is to a stomach
+specialist's, because the human bank-roll is the same as the human
+appendix, Abe: the success of removing it entirely depends on the giving
+of the anesthetic. Then there is the lawyers--criminal, accident, and
+divorce--and it don't make no difference how their clients fell or what
+they fell from--positions in banks, moving street-cars, or as nice a
+little woman as any one could wish for, y'understand--schnapps done it,
+Abe, and when schnapps goes, Abe, the practice of them lawyers goes with
+it."
+
+"Well, they still got their diplomas, Mawruss," Abe said. "And even
+though schnapps is prohibited, Mawruss, there will be enough people left
+with the real-estate habit to give them shysters a living, anyhow, but
+you take them fellers which has got millions of dollars invested in
+machinery for the manufacture of headache medicine, Mawruss, and before
+they will be able to figure out how they can use their plants for the
+manufacture of war supplies they're going to be their own best
+customers, which little did them fellers think when they put on their
+bottles,
+
+ * * * KEEP IN A DRY PLACE WELL CORKED * * *
+
+that people was going to take them so seriously as to put 'em right out
+of business, y'understand."
+
+"But there's also a large number of people which is going to lose their
+jobs on account of this here prohibition, Abe, and if they get the
+sympathy of these American sitsons which is laying awake nights worrying
+about how the Czar is getting along, Abe, it would be big already. I am
+talking about the temperance lecturers," Morris declared, "which if it
+wouldn't be for them fellers pretty near convincing everybody that no
+one could be happy and sober at the same time, Abe, it's my idee that we
+would of had this here prohibition _sohon_ long since ago already,
+because those temperance lecturers got their arguments against drinking
+schnapps so mixed up with Sunday baseball, playing billiards, and going
+to theayters, picture-galleries, and libraries on Sunday, Abe, that some
+people which visits New York from small towns in the Middle West still
+hesitates about going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for fear of
+getting a hobnailed liver or something."
+
+"At that, Mawruss, this here prohibition is going to hurt some
+businesses like the jewelry business," Abe said, "which not counting the
+millions of carats that fellers has bought to square themselves for
+coming home at all hours of the night, y'understand, there's many a bar
+pin which would still be in stock if the customer hadn't nerved himself
+to buying it with a couple of cocktails, understand me. Automobiles is
+the same way, Mawruss, and if the engineering department of the big
+automobile concerns is now busy on the problem of making alcohol a
+substitute for gasolene, Mawruss, you can bet your life that the sales
+department is just as busy trying to find out something which will be a
+substitute for alcohol, because when a feller has made up his mind to
+buy a five-passenger touring-car, Mawruss, there ain't many automobile
+salesmen which could wish a seven-passenger limousine on him by working
+him with a couple of cups coffee, y'understand."
+
+"Then there is the show business," Morris observed, "and while I don't
+mean to say that this here prohibition is going to have any effect on
+them miserable plays where the girl saves the family at eight-forty-five
+by marrying the millionaire and discovers at ten-forty-five that she
+loves him just as much as if he hadn't any rating, so that the show can
+get out at eleven-five, y'understand, but when enough states has adopted
+the prohibition amendment to pull it into effect, Abe, the Midnight
+Follies as a business proposition will be in a class with bar fixtures
+and mass-kerseno cherries."
+
+"Well, so far as I'm concerned, any show that starts in at twelve
+o'clock would always have to get along without _my_ trade, prohibition
+or no prohibition," Abe commented, "even though I could enjoy it on
+nothing stronger than malted milk."
+
+"Which you couldn't," Morris added, "and there's why the Midnight
+Follies wouldn't last, because not only is this here prohibition going
+to kill schnapps, Abe, but it is also going to drive off the market for
+all articles the demand for which contains more than one per cent.
+alcohol."
+
+"And believe me, Mawruss," Abe concluded, "no decent, respectable man is
+going to miss such articles, neither."
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON PEACE WITH VICTORY AND WITHOUT BROKERS, EITHER
+
+
+"An offer is anyhow an offer, even if it is turned down, Mawruss," Abe
+Potash said, the day after Germany proposed terms of peace, "which that
+time I sold Harris Immerglick them lots in Brownsville, Mawruss, the
+first proposition he made me I pretty near threw him down the
+freight-elevator shaft, and when we finally closed the deal I couldn't
+tell exactly how much I made on them lots--figuring what I paid in taxes
+and assessments while I owned 'em, but it must have been, anyhow, five
+hundred dollars, Mawruss, from the way Immerglick gives me such a
+cutthroat looks whenever he sees me nowadays."
+
+"Everybody ain't so easy as Harris Immerglick," Morris Perlmutter
+commented.
+
+"Maybe not," Abe admitted. "But Harris Immerglick didn't want them lots
+not nearly as bad as the Kaiser wants peace, Mawruss, so while the
+parties to the proposed contract seems to be at present too wide apart
+to make a deal likely, Mawruss, at the same time I look to see the
+Kaiser offer a few concessions."
+
+"Perhaps you're right, Abe," Morris said, "but while the Kaiser may have
+control of enough property so as to throw in a little here and a little
+there, y'understand, in the end it will be the boot money which will
+count, Abe, and before this deal is closed, Abe, you could bet your life
+that not only would the parties of the first part got to give up
+Belgium, Servia, Rumania, Poland, and Alsace-Lorraine, but they would
+also got to pay billions and billions of dollars in cash or certified
+check upon the delivery of the deed and passing of title under the said
+contract, and don't you forget it. So if some of them railroad
+presidents which is now drawing a hundred thousand a year salary, Abe,
+has got any hopes that President Wilson would hold up taking over the
+railroads pending negotiations for peace, y'understand, they must be
+blessed with sanguinary dispositions, Abe, because it's going to take a
+long time yet the Kaiser would concede enough to justify the Allies in
+so much as hesitating on even a single pair of soldiers' pants."
+
+"Say, if anybody thinks the government would let go the railroads when
+we make peace with Germany, Mawruss, he don't know no more about
+railroads as he does about governments," Abe declared, "because this war
+which the government has got with the railroads, meat-packers, oil
+trusts, and coal-mine owners wouldn't end when we've licked Germany any
+more than it begun when Von Tirpitz started his submarine campaign. Yes,
+Mawruss, if we wouldn't leave off fighting Germany till it's agreed
+that no fellers like Von Tirpitz, Von Buelow, Von Bethmann-Hollweg, and
+all them other Vons can use German subjects and German property for
+their own personal purposes, why it's a hundred-to-one proposition that
+we ain't going to leave off fighting the railroads till it's agreed that
+them Von Tirpitzes, Von Buelows, and Von Hindenbergs of the American
+railroads couldn't use the transportation business of this country for
+stock-gambling purpose as though the railroads was gold and silver
+mining prospects somewhere out in Nevada and didn't have a thing to do
+with the food and coal supply of the nation."
+
+"Wait a moment," Morris said, "and I'll ask Jake, the shipping-clerk, to
+bring you in a button-box. We 'ain't got no soap-boxes."
+
+"That ain't no soap-box stuff, Mawruss," Abe retorted. "If the
+government should do the same thing to the meat-packers as they did to
+the railroads, Mawruss, the arguments of them soap-box orators wouldn't
+have a soap-box to stand on."
+
+"Well, if the government thinks it is necessary in order to carry on the
+war, Abe," Morris said, "it will grab the meat business like it has
+taken over the railroads, but we've got enough to do to supply our
+soldiers with ammunition without we would spend any time stopping the
+ammunition of them soap-box fellers."
+
+"Of course I may be wrong, Mawruss," Abe admitted, "but the way I look
+at it, the war ain't an excuse for not cleaning up at home. On the
+contrary, Mawruss, I think it is an opportunity for cleaning up, and
+when I see in the papers where people writes to the editors that the
+prohibitionists, the women suffragists, and the union laborers should
+ought to be ashamed of themselves for putting up arguments when the
+country is so busy over the war, I couldn't help thinking that there
+must be people over in Germany which is writing to the _Tageszeitung_
+and the _Freie Presse_ that the German Social Democrats and Liberals
+should ought to be ashamed of themselves for putting up arguments about
+the Kaiser giving them popular government when Germany is so busy over
+the war. In other words, it's a stand-off, Mawruss, with the exception
+that the Kaiser 'ain't made no speeches so far that Germany would never
+make peace with America till the millions of American women which 'ain't
+got the vote has some say as to how the war should be carried on and
+what the terms of peace should be."
+
+"Do you mean to say that women not having the vote puts our government
+in the same class with Germany?" Morris demanded.
+
+"I mean to say that the proposition of German men having the vote sounds
+just so foolish to the Kaiser as the proposition of American women
+having the vote does to this here Eli U. Root," Abe retorted, "and while
+there is only one Kaiser in Germany, Mawruss, we've got an awful lot of
+Roots in America, so until Congress gives women the vote, Mawruss, the
+Kaiser will continue to have an elegant come-back at President Wilson
+for that proclamation of his."
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, Abe," Morris said, "I read this here proclamation
+of Mr. Wilson's when it was published in the papers, and while I admit
+that it didn't leave so big an impression on me as if it would of been a
+murder or a divorce case, y'understand, yet as I recollect it, Abe,
+there was enough room in it, so that if the German terms of peace was
+sufficiently liberal, y'understand, the German popular government
+needn't got to be so awful popular but what it could get by, understand
+me."
+
+"That's my idee, too," Abe declared, "and while I ain't so keen like
+this here Lord Handsdown or Landsdown, or whatever the feller's name is,
+that we should jump right in and ask the Kaiser if that's the best he
+could do and how long would he give us to think it over, y'understand,
+yet you've got to remember that we've all had experiences with fellers
+like Harris Immerglick, Mawruss, and if the Allies would go at this
+thing in a business-like way, y'understand, it might be a case of going
+ahead with our business, which is war, and at the same time keeping an
+eye on the brokers in the transaction."
+
+"I don't want to wake you up when you've got such pleasant dreams, Abe,"
+Morris interrupted, "but the Allies is going to need all the eyes
+they've got during the next year or so, and a few binoculars and
+periscopes wouldn't go so bad, neither."
+
+"All right," Abe said, "then don't keep an eye on the brokers, but just
+the same we could afford to let the matter rest, because you know what
+brokers are, Mawruss: when it comes to putting through a swap, the
+principals could be a couple of hard-boiled eggs that would sooner make
+a present of their properties to the first-mortgagees than accept the
+original terms offered, y'understand, but the brokers never give up
+hope."
+
+"What are you talking about--brokers?" Morris exclaimed. "There ain't no
+brokers in a peace transaction."
+
+"Ain't there?" Abe retorted. "Well, if this here Czernin ain't the
+broker representing Austria and Germany, what is he? I can see the
+feller right now, the way he walks into Trotzky & Lenine's office with
+one of them real-estater smiles that looks as genwine as a twenty-dollar
+fur-lined overcoat.
+
+"'_Wie gehts_, Mr. Trotzky!' he says, like it's some one he used to
+every afternoon drink coffee together ten years ago and has been
+wondering ever since what's become of him that he 'ain't seen him so
+long. Only in this case it happens to be Lenine he's talking to.
+
+"'Mr. Trotzky ain't in. This is his partner, Mr. Lenine,' Lenine says.
+
+"'Not Barnett Lenine used to was November & Lenine in the neckwear
+business?' Czernin says.
+
+"'No,' Lenine says, and although Czernin tries to look like he expected
+as much, it kind of takes the zip out of him, anyhow.
+
+"'Let's see,' he says, 'this must be Chatskel Lenine, married a daughter
+of old man Josephthal and has got a sister living in Toledo, Ohio, by
+the name Rifkin. The husband runs a clothing-store corner of Tenth and
+Main, ain't it?'
+
+"This time he's got him cornered, and Lenine has to admit it, so Czernin
+shakes hands with him and gives him the I.O.M.A. grip, with just a
+suggestion of the Knights of Phthias and Free Sons of Courland.
+
+"'My name is Czernin--Sig Czernin,' he says. 'I see you don't remember
+me. I met you at the house of a party by the name Linkheimer or Linkman,
+I forget which, but the brother, Harris Linkheimer--I remember now, it
+_was_ Linkheimer--went to the Saint Louis Exposition and was never heard
+of afterward.'
+
+"'My _tzuris_!' Lenine says, but this don't feaze Czernin.
+
+"'You see,' he says, 'I never forget a face.'
+
+"'And you 'ain't got such a bad memory for names, neither,' Lenine tells
+him.
+
+"'That ain't neither here nor there,' Czernin says, 'because if your
+name would be O'Brien or something Swedish, even, I got here a
+proposition, Mr. Lenine, which it's a pleasure to me that I got the
+opportunity of offering it to you, and even if I do say so myself,
+y'understand, such a gilt-edged proposition like this here ain't in the
+market every day.'
+
+"And that's the way Czernin sprung them peace propositions on Lenine &
+Trotzky, and it don't make no difference that in this particular
+instance it's practically a case of Lenine & Trotzky accepting whatever
+proposition the Kaiser wants to put to them, y'understand, when it comes
+to dickering with the Allies which can afford to act so independent to
+the Kaiser that if Czernin is lucky he won't get thrown down-stairs more
+than a couple of times, y'understand. He will come right back with the
+names and family histories of a few more common acquaintances and a
+couple of more concessions on the part of Germany, time after time,
+until it'll begin to look like peace is in sight."
+
+"I wish you was right, Abe," Morris said, "but I think you will find
+that this here peace contract will be in charge of the diplomats and not
+the real-estaters."
+
+"Well, what's the difference?" Abe asked.
+
+"Probably there ain't any," Morris admitted, "because their methods is
+practically the same, which when countries goes to war on account of
+treaties they claim the other country broke, y'understand, it's usually
+just so much the fault of the diplomats which got 'em to sign the
+treaties originally, as when business men get into a lawsuit over a
+real-estate contract, it is the fault of the real-estate brokers in the
+transaction. So therefore, Abe, unless we want to make a peace treaty
+with Germany which would sooner or later end up in another war,
+y'understand, the best thing for America to do is to depend for peace
+not on brokers _oder_ diplomats, but on airyoplanes and guns with the
+right kind of soldiers to work 'em. Furthermore, after we've got the
+Germans back of the Rhine will be plenty of time to talk about entering
+into peace contracts with the Kaiser, because then there will be nothing
+left for the _Rosher_ to dicker about, and all we will have to do in the
+way of diplomacy will be to say, 'Sign here,' and he'll sign there."
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON KEEPING IT DARK
+
+
+"I got a circular letter from this here Garfield where he says we should
+keep the temperature of our rooms down to sixty-eight degrees," Abe
+Potash remarked during the recent below-zero spell in New York.
+
+"What do you mean--down to sixty-eight degrees?" Morris Perlmutter said.
+"If a feller which lives in a New York City apartment-house nowadays
+could get the temperature of his rooms as high as down to forty-eight
+degrees, y'understand, it's only because some of the tenants 'ain't come
+across with the janitor's present yet and he still has hopes. Yes, Abe,
+a circular like that might do some good in Pasadena _oder_ Pallum Beach,
+y'understand, but it's wasted here in New York."
+
+"There's bound to be a whole lot of waste in them don't-waste-nothing
+circulars," Abe commented, "because plenty of people is getting letters
+from the Food Conservation Commission to go slow on sugar which 'ain't
+risked taking even a two-grain saccharin tablet in years already, and
+the chances is that there has been tons and tons of circulars sent out
+to other people which on account of their livers _oder_ religions
+wouldn't on any account eat the articles of food which the circulars
+begs them on no account to eat, y'understand."
+
+"And next year them circulars will be still less necessary because
+enough people is going to get rheumatism from living in cold rooms to
+cut down the consumption of red meats over fifty per cent.," Morris
+observed.
+
+"Well, something has got to be done to make people go slow on using up
+coal, Mawruss," Abe said, "which the way it is now, Mawruss, twice as
+much coal is burned in one night to manufacture electricity for a sky
+sign saying that 'Toasted Sawdust Is the Perfect Breakfast Food' on
+account it is made only from the best grades of Tennessee yellow pine,
+y'understand, as would run an airyoplane-factory for a week, understand
+me, and children is fooling away their time in the streets because if
+coal is used to heat the school buildings, y'understand, there wouldn't
+be enough left for the really important things like lighting up the
+fronts of vaudeville theayters with the names of actors or telling lies
+about the mileage of automobile tires by means of a couple of million
+electric lights every night from sunset to sunrise, understand me."
+
+"Still there's a good deal to be said on the other side, Abe," Morris
+retorted, "which if the new coal regulations is going to make an end of
+the sky signs, it will cut off practically all the reading that most
+New-Yorkers do outside of the newspapers, y'understand. Then again
+there's a whole lot of people aside from stockholders in
+electric-lighting companies which used to make a good living out of them
+sky signs. For instance, what's going to become of the fellers that
+manufactured them and the firm of certified public accountants _nebich_
+which lost the job of adding up the figures on the meters, because while
+any _Schlemiel_ with a good imagination would be trusted to read the
+ordinary meter, Abe, the job of figuring the damages on a sky sign which
+is eating up a couple of million kilowatt-years every twenty minutes is
+something else again."
+
+"And yet, Mawruss, while I 'ain't got such a soft heart that I could
+even have sympathy for an electric-lighting company, understand me,
+still I am sorry to see them sky signs go," Abe said, "because lots of
+fellers from the small towns, members of rotary clubs and the like, used
+to get a great deal of pleasure from seeing a kitten made out of three
+hundred thousand electric bulbs playing with a spool of silk made out of
+five hundred and fifty thousand bulbs, and there was something very
+fascinating about watching that automobile tire which used to light up
+and go out every once in a while somewheres around the upper end of
+Times Square."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But if you was spending your good money
+for such an advertised tire, Abe, it wouldn't be very fascinating to
+watch it blow out every once in a while on account the manufacturer had
+to skimp the rubber in order to pay the electric-light bills, Abe, and
+if any of them members of rotary clubs is in the dry-goods business and
+has to pay fancy prices for spool silk, Abe, they are _oser_ going to
+thank the salesmen for the good time they put in while in New York
+rubbering at his firm's sky sign, because you know as well as I do, Abe,
+when it comes right down to it, nothing costs a customer so much as free
+entertainment."
+
+"Of course, Mawruss," Abe said, "the idee of them electric sky signs is
+not to entertain, but to advertise, and as an advertising man told me
+the other day, Mawruss, the advertised article is just as low in price
+as the same article would be if unadvertised, the reason being that the
+advertised article's output is greater and that he wanted me to
+advertise in the _Daily Cloak and Suit Record_."
+
+"Well, certainly, if the output is greater the cost of production is or
+should ought to be less," Morris observed, "so I think the feller was
+right at that, Abe."
+
+"That's what I told him," Abe continued, "but I also said that if I
+would put for fifty cents a day an advertisement in the paper,
+y'understand, my partner would never let me hear the end of it."
+
+"Is _that_ so!" Morris exclaimed. "Since when did I kick that we
+shouldn't do no advertising?"
+
+"Never mind," Abe retorted. "I heard you speak often about advertising
+the same like you done just now about sky signs, which it is already a
+back-number idee that advertising raised the price of goods to the
+customer and--"
+
+"Listen!" Morris interrupted. "If I would got it such a back-number
+idees like you, Abe, I would put myself into a home for chronic
+Freemasons or something, which I always was in favor of advertising,
+except that I believe there is advertising and _advertising_, Abe, and
+when an advertisement only makes you think of what it costs, instead of
+what it advertises, like sky signs, y'understand, to me it ain't an
+advertisement at all. It's just a warning."
+
+"Did I say it wasn't?" Abe asked. "The way you talk, Mawruss, you would
+think I was in favor of electric signs, whereas I believe that in times
+like these a very little publicity goes an awful long ways, Mawruss,
+which if them Congressmen down in Washington was requested by the Coal
+Commission to keep it a trifle dark and not use up so much candle-power
+in advertising the mistakes that has been made by some fellers now
+working for the government which 'ain't had as much experience in
+covering up their tracks as, we would say, for example, a Congressman,
+Mawruss, that wouldn't do no harm, neither."
+
+"It ain't a question of covering tracks, Abe," Morris declared, "because
+them business men which is now working for the government are perfectly
+honest, although they do make mistakes in their jobs and get rattled
+easy on the witness-stand, which if such fellers _was_ dishonest, Abe,
+even a Congressman would know enough not to advertise it."
+
+"As a matter of fact, Mawruss," Abe declared, "them Congressmen ain't
+calculating to advertise anybody or anything but themselves. Yes,
+Mawruss, the way some United States Senators acts you would think they
+was trying to get a national reputation as first-class, cracker-jack,
+A-number-one police-court lawyers, and the expert manner in which they
+can confuse and worry a high-grade Diston who is sacrificing his time
+and money to help out the government and make him appear a crook,
+y'understand, must be a source of great satisfaction to the folks back
+home--in Germany.
+
+"And it certainly ain't helping to win the war any, Mawruss, which most
+people would get the idee from reading the accounts of it in the
+newspapers that Mr. Hoover was tried by the United States Senate and
+found guilty of boosting the price of sugar in the first degree."
+
+"Well, in that case, Abe," Morris suggested, "even if we are a little
+short of fuel it would of been better for the sugar situation, and maybe
+also the wool uniforms also, if, instead of getting publicity through
+investigations, y'understand, the United States Senate would fix up an
+electric sign for the front of the Capitol at Washington and make
+Senator Reed the top-liner in big letters like Eva Tanguay or Mr. Louis
+Mann, because here in America we've got incandescent bulbs to burn,
+Abe, but we have only one Hoover, and we should ought to take care of
+him."
+
+"Understand me, Mawruss," Abe declared, emphatically, "it ain't that I
+object to a certain amount of light being thrown on the mistakes that is
+made in running the war, if it wasn't that they keep everything so dark
+about the progress that is also made--the submarines we are sinking, the
+number of soldiers we've got it in France, and what them boys is doing
+over there, and while I know there's good reasons for it, maybe it's
+like this here Broadway proposition--it pays to keep it dark, but it
+might pay better to keep it light, which I understand that all the
+lighting company saves in coal by cutting out the sky signs is less than
+thirty tons a night."
+
+"Thirty tons a night would warm a whole lot of people, Abe," Morris
+said.
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But even at ten dollars a ton, Mawruss, it
+would be only a saving of three hundred dollars, which I bet yer some
+restaurants on Broadway has lost that much money apiece since the
+lighting orders went into effect."
+
+"That may be," Morris admitted, "but what the Coal Commission is trying
+to save ain't money, Abe. It's coal. And that is one of the points about
+this war that people 'ain't exactly realized yet. Money ain't what it
+once used to was before this war, Abe. You can still make it, lose it,
+spend it, and save it, but you couldn't sweeten your coffee with it or
+heat your house with it till there's sugar and coal enough to go
+around. Also it's only a question of time when money won't get you to
+Pallum Beach in the winter or Maine in the summer unless the government
+official in charge of the railroads thinks it is necessary, and also if
+this war only goes on long enough and wool gets any scarcer, Abe, money
+won't buy you a new pair of pants even until you can put up a good
+enough argument with it to convince a government pants inspector that
+it's a case of either buying a new pair of pants or a frock-coat to make
+the old ones decent, understand me."
+
+"But the papers has said right straight along that money would win this
+war, Mawruss," Abe said.
+
+"Yes, and it could lose it, too, according to the way it is spent,"
+Morris continued, "and particularly right now when money can still buy
+things which the government needs for the soldiers, y'understand, money
+is a dangerous article in the hands of some people who think that the
+feller which don't feel the high price of sugar is more privileged to
+eat it than the feller which could barely afford it."
+
+"Even so," Abe remarked, "it seems to me that not spending money must be
+an easy way to be patriotic."
+
+"And some fellers is just natural-born patriots that way," Morris added,
+"and if they ain't, y'understand, the war is going to make them. It's
+going to give the rich man the same chance to be a good sitson as the
+poor man, and it's made a fine start by taking the lights off of
+Broadway so that you couldn't tell it from a respectable street, like
+Lexington Avenue."
+
+"Couldn't a street be lighted up and still be respectable?" Abe asked.
+
+"Yes, and a rich man could spend his money foolishly and also be
+respectable," Morris agreed, "but not in war-times."
+
+
+
+
+XVII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE PEACE PROGRAM, INCLUDING THE ADDED EXTRA
+FEATURE AND THE SUPPER TURN
+
+
+"It seems that this here Luxberg, the German representative in Argentine
+which sent them _spurlos versenkt_ letters, has been crazy for years,
+Mawruss," Abe Potash said, one morning in January.
+
+"Yes?" Morris Perlmutter said. "And when did they find _that_ out, Abe?"
+
+"It's an old story, Mawruss," Abe replied. "Everybody knew it in Berlin,
+only they never happened to think of it until we discovered those
+letters in the private mail of the Swedish minister."
+
+"And what do they lay the Swedish minister's behavior to, Abe?" Morris
+inquired. "Stomach trouble?"
+
+"_That_ they didn't say," Abe continued. "But I guess they figure that
+Sweden should think up her own alibis."
+
+"Well, it's a hopeful sign when the Germans realize that them Luxberg
+letters sound like the idees of a crazy man, Abe," Morris said,
+"although compared to Zimmermann's break about handing Mexico a couple
+of our Southern states if she went to war with us, y'understand,
+Luxberg's letters ain't so _meshuggah_, neither. So it seems to me, Abe,
+that Germany would be doing well to say that Luxberg was drunk when he
+wrote them letters, because later when it comes to explaining the
+hundreds of rotten acts that Germans has done in this war, Abe, Germany
+is going to have to think up a lot of excuses, and she may as well keep
+the insanity defense for somebody who would really need it, like the
+Kaiser."
+
+"Don't worry about the Kaiser, Mawruss," Abe said. "For years already
+that feller has been getting up such strong evidence for an insanity
+defense, in the way of speeches to soldiers, y'understand, that he could
+feel absolutely safe in not only doing what he _has_ been doing, but
+also what Doctor Waite and Harry Thaw did, too, because all that the
+counsel for the defense would got to do is to read the Kaiser's remarks
+at Koenigsburg, for instance, and five minutes after the jury had
+returned a verdict without leaving their seats, y'understand, the Kaiser
+would be on his way up to the Matteawan Asylum for the Criminal Insane."
+
+"There ain't much danger of that, anyway," Morris declared, "because I
+read them fourteen propositions of Mr. Wilson's peace program, and so
+far as any mention is made of punishing the guilty parties, Abe, you
+might suppose the _Lusitania_ had never been sunk at all, which it may
+be dumbness on my part, Abe, but the way it looks to me is that if
+them fourteen propositions is fourteen net, and not ten, five, and two
+and one-half off for cash, understand me, we have got to give Germany
+such a big licking before she accepts them that we might just so well
+give her a bigger one and add propositions from fifteen to twenty
+inclusive, of which proposition sixteen would contain the same demands
+as proposition fifteen, except that the person upon whom the sentence
+was to be carried out would be the Crown Prince instead of the Kaiser,
+but no flowers in either case, understand me, and if twenty propositions
+wasn't enough to take care of all the responsible parties we could add
+as many more propositions as necessary."
+
+[Illustration: "And five minutes after the jury had returned a verdict
+would be on his way up to the Matteawan Asylum for the Criminal
+Insane."]
+
+"What you are trying to fix up, Mawruss, ain't a program, but a
+catalogue, Mawruss," Abe commented, "which if we want to get a
+performance of Mr. Wilson's program, y'understand, and they're going to
+have a lot of trouble putting that number over with a satisfactory sea,
+on account they would either have to paint a sea, dig a sea, or have
+some sort of a sea effect, because Poland is like Iowa, Mawruss--the
+only time you could get a glimpse of the sea there is when they run off
+one of them Annette Kellermann filums in a moving-picture theayter."
+
+"That only goes to show what you know from Poland," Morris retorted,
+"because in seventeen ninety-three a lot of the sea-front of Prussia
+belonged to Poland."
+
+"Yes, and in seventeen ninety-three a lot of the sea-front of Texas
+belonged to Mexico," Abe continued. "So I guess Mr. Wilson must have
+some sea in mind which ain't barred by the statute of limitations; but
+that ain't here nor there, because getting a sea to Poland ain't the
+biggest difficulty in carrying out the peace program. Take, for
+instance, number six on the program, which is a proposed turn or act by
+all the Allies, entitled, 'Welcoming Russia into the Society of Free
+Nations.' The directions is that the performers should give Russland all
+sorts of assistance of every kind that she may need, and also to behave
+kindly to her, y'understand, and no sooner does Mr. Wilson come out with
+this, so to speak sob scenario, understand me, than Trotzky & Lenine get
+right back at him with a counter-proposition, so I guess that the
+present number six will be taken out of the program, and another number
+substituted for it, like this:
+
+                          VI
+
+ Extra Added Feature, the Popular Russian Dramatic Stars
+            in Roles that Suit Them to Perfection
+
+            LEON TROTZKY & LENINE BARNEY
+
+         In 'Nix on the Bonds,' a Playlet with a Punch.
+ Suspense, Surprise, Finish, and All the Fixings that Make a
+       Snappy Dramatic Entertainment in Tabloid Form."
+
+"The mistake that Mr. Wilson made in number six on the program was that
+he took it for granted when the Allies welcomed Russland into the
+Society of Free Nations, Russia would behave like a new member should
+ought to behave, instead of which Russia started right in by giving a
+bad check for her initiation fees and first annual dues," Morris said.
+"She has also got out of the United States railroad supplies, munitions,
+and food, y'understand, and after giving bonds in payment, Abe, she
+turns right round and refuses to make good on 'em and at the same time
+practically says, 'What are you going to do about it?' and all this is
+right on top of Mr. Wilson saying, 'The treatment accorded to Russia by
+her sister nations,' y'understand, 'in the months to come,' _verstehst
+du mich_, 'will be the acid test of their good-will,' understand me,
+'and of their intelligent and unselfish sympathy.'"
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," Abe remarked, "the English which I learned it at
+night school, Mawruss, was more or less a popular-price line of
+language, and when Mr. Wilson comes across every once in a while with
+one of them exclusive models in the way of speeches, using principally
+high-grade words in imported designs, understand me, I ain't no more
+equipped to handle his stuff than a manufacturer of fly-papers is to
+make flying-machines, _but_ as an ignorant business man, Mawruss, which
+you would be the last person to admit that I ain't, Mawruss, it seems to
+me that the acid test of our good-will is not going to be the way we
+treat Russland, but the way Russia treats us; and, in fact, Mawruss,
+Russia already poured a little acid on us long before this. But now when
+she renigs on her bonds and practically gives us a whole bathful of
+acid, Mawruss, for my part the treatment needn't go on for months to
+come. I am satisfied with the acid test so far as it's gone _this_
+month, Mawruss, because it don't make no difference what kind of acid
+you use, Mawruss, a dead beat is a dead beat, understand me, and for a
+dead beat nobody has got any sympathy--either intelligent or unselfish,
+or unintelligent and selfish. Am I right or wrong, Mawruss?"
+
+"I wouldn't worry my head over that if I was you, Abe," Morris said,
+"because, as you said just now, Russland will attend to that number on
+the program for herself. But what is troubling me is number one, which
+provides that peace shall be made openly, and at the same time does away
+with the possibility that some afternoon when you and me gets out of
+here, after making up our minds that the war would last for ten years
+yet, we would buy a Sporting Extra with Final Wall Street Complete, and
+see the whole front page filled up mit the word PEACE in letters a foot
+high, understand me, which it has always been in the back of my head
+that the next time Colonel House would slip off to Europe no one would
+know anything about till the treaty of peace comes back signed 'Woodrow
+Wilson, per E.M.H.' But if the first number on the program goes through
+as planned, Abe, and we have open covenants of peace openly arrived at,
+y'understand, why, then, that will be something else again."
+
+"You bet your life it would be something else again," Abe agreed,
+fervently, "and what is more, Mawruss, not only would them covenants of
+peace be open, but they would remain open for a long time, because
+there's a whole lot of Senators, Congressmen, ex-Senators,
+ex-Congressmen, and ex-Presidents which is laying for the opportunity
+when peace is proposed, so that they can discuss the peace terms with
+one another, openly, frankly, and in the public view, as Mr. Wilson
+would say. Yes, Mawruss, there's several political orators in and out of
+Congress which has got the word 'traitor' in their system and has got to
+get it out again in reference to somebody--preferably a member of the
+Cabinet--before peace negotiations is closed, and there is also such
+indigestible words like 'pusillanimous,' which gives certain
+ex-Presidents a feeling of fullness around the throat, and a couple of
+Senators will need time to find out just what the other Senators wants
+to do about them peace terms so that they can differ with them; and
+looking at it one way and another, Mawruss, if Senator Wadsworth and
+Senator McKellar thinks it is taking a long time to get ready for war,
+they should wait till we get ready for peace, Mawruss, and if they don't
+want to be afterward holding investigations as to why the throat
+specialists wasn't mobilized on time, Mawruss, they should start right
+in and mobilize the throat specialists, and also it wouldn't do any harm
+to find out the available stock of cough-drops is in the hands of the
+dealers, so that the lung power of the nation can go forth to holler
+for peace equipped to the last menthol lozenge."
+
+"In a way, that ain't no joke, neither, Abe," Morris said. "There is
+people that Mr. Wilson didn't include in his war program which is going
+to do their utmost to horn in on his peace program at the very best spot
+in the bill. Take Mr. Roosevelt, and his friends will no doubt insist
+that Mr. Wilson does a supper turn while Mr. Roosevelt goes on
+somewheres around nine forty-five, because to-day yet they're talking
+about making the Presidency of the United States a coalition affair, in
+which Wilson, Roosevelt, and Taft would be equal partners with the same
+drawing account and everything."
+
+"And where does Mr. Wilson get off in this coalition business?" Abe
+inquired. "Ain't two undivided one-thirds of the Presidency of the
+United States for the unexpired portion of his term worth nothing to Mr.
+Wilson, even at short rates, Mawruss?"
+
+"Well," Morris replied, "I suppose Roosevelt and Taft would throw in
+their experience as Presidents."
+
+"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "There ain't a week goes by nowadays but what Mr.
+Wilson gets more experience as President than Taft and Roosevelt did in
+both their terms put together, so I don't think you need waste no more
+breath about it, Mawruss. When the people last time elected a President
+of the United States they chose Mr. Wilson as an individual, not as a
+co-partner, and you could take it from me, Mawruss, it don't make no
+difference whether it would be a peace program or a war program which
+Mr. Wilson is fixing up, the name of the chief performer on it was
+settled by the people a year ago last November!"
+
+
+
+
+XVIII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON THE NEW NATIONAL HOLIDAYS
+
+
+"Yes, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, after Mr. Garfield had announced the
+five-day shut-down, "one of the hardest things that a patriotic sitson
+is called on to do nowadays is to have faith in those fellers which is
+running the Fuel Commission, the Food Commission, and all the other
+commissions that they ain't such big fools as you would think for."
+
+"Well, you don't think this here Garfield would close up the country for
+five days unless it would be necessary, ain't it?" Morris Perlmutter
+retorted.
+
+"Certainly I don't," Abe agreed. "But what is troubling me is that he
+ain't said as yet for why it is necessary, Mawruss."
+
+"Maybe he 'ain't figured it out yet," Morris suggested. "And even if he
+didn't, Abe, it stands to reason that if the country don't burn no coal
+for five days, at the end of five days they would still got the coal
+they didn't burn, provided they had got any coal at all to start with."
+
+"But as I understand it, Mawruss," Abe said, "not burning coal 'ain't
+got nothing at all to do mit Mr. Garfield's order that we shouldn't burn
+no coal. It seems from what ex-President Taft says and also from what a
+professor by the name of Jinks _oder_ Jenks says, Mawruss, Mr. Garfield
+done it because the people 'ain't begun to realize that we are at war,
+Mawruss."
+
+"You mean to say that _again_ the people don't begin to realize we are
+at war?" Morris exclaimed. "It couldn't be possible, Abe. Here we have
+had two Liberty Loan campaigns, a military draft which took in every
+little cross-road village in the country, a war-tax bill that hits
+everybody and everything, and people like Mr. Taft and Professor Jinks
+saying day in and day out that the people 'ain't begun to realize we are
+at war, y'understand, and yet you try to tell me that the people has
+slipped right back into not beginning to realize we are at war, Abe."
+
+"I don't try to tell you nothing," Abe said. "For my part I think it's
+time that somebody put them wise, Mawruss."
+
+"What do you mean--put them wise?" Morris demanded. "The people knows
+that--"
+
+"Who is saying anything about the people?" Abe interrupted. "I am
+talking about Mr. Taft and this here Professor Jinks, Mawruss. Them
+fellers has got ideas from spring and summer designs of nineteen
+seventeen. What we are looking for from the big men of the country is
+new ideas for the late summer of nineteen eighteen and fall and winter
+seasons of nineteen eighteen, nineteen nineteen, and this here
+people-'ain't-begun-to-realize talk was already a back-number line of
+conversation in June, nineteen seventeen."
+
+"But what them fellers is driving into, Abe," Morris observed, "is that
+it's going to help the war along if the people of America should be made
+to suffer along with the people of France and England. They figure that
+it ain't going to do us Americans a bit of harm to know how them
+Frenchers feel, _nebich_, with the Germans holding on to their
+coal-supply, Abe."
+
+"Well, we could get the same effect by going round in athaletic
+underwear and no overcoats, Mawruss," Abe retorted, "so if that's what
+Mr. Taft claims Mr. Garfield shut off the coal for, Mawruss, he is
+beating around the wrong bushes."
+
+"And he ain't the only one, neither, Abe," Morris said. "From the way
+other people is talking, Abe, you would think that in order to get into
+this war _right_, y'understand, we should ought to go to work and blow
+up a few dozen American cathedrals, send up airyoplanes over New York,
+and drop a couple gross bombs on the business section of the town,
+poison the water-supply, cut off the milk for the babies, and do
+everything else that them miserable Germans did to France and England,
+not to say also Russia, y'understand. This will cause us to become so
+sore, understand me, that everybody of fighting age will want to fight,
+and the rest of us will be willing to work in the munition-factories and
+spend all our time and money to end a war where American cathedrals is
+being blown up, airyoplanes is bombing New York, and babies is suffering
+for want of milk, Abe."
+
+"You mean that Professor Jinks is willing to have us believe that Mr.
+Garfield is shutting off the coal, not because it's necessary, but
+because it's the equivalence of us bombing our own cities and making
+ourselves feel sore?" Abe asked. "Mr. Garfield?"
+
+"Ordinary people which ain't professors and ex-Presidents might figure
+that way," Morris continued, "but it seems that the theory is we are
+going to feel sore at Germany, Abe."
+
+"Well," Abe commented, "I am perfectly willing to feel sore at Germany
+for the things she has done in this war, Mawruss, and I am so sore at
+Germany, anyway, that I am also willing to feel sore at her for the
+things which she 'ain't done also, Mawruss, but so far as Mr. Garfield
+is concerned, y'understand, I prefer to think that he's a hard-working
+feller which could once in a while make a mistake, understand me, and
+that if he cuts off the coal, it's on account he thinks it's necessary
+to save the coal. Because if I thought the way Professor Jinks thinks,
+Mawruss, and I should meet Mr. Garfield face to face somewheres,
+understand me, the least they could send me up for would be using rotten
+language tending to cause a breach of the peace, y'understand."
+
+"Sure I know, Abe," Morris agreed. "But the chances is that Mr. Taft and
+Professor Jinks may have a private idee that when Mr. Garfield shut
+down on the coal he could of saved coal in some other way, and so in
+order that he shouldn't get stumped for explanations afterward,
+y'understand, they are taking this way of giving him what they think is
+a good pointer in that line, understand me, because if you read the
+papers this morning, Abe, there must be thousands of prominent sitsons
+which claims to be patriotic, y'understand, and from what them fellers
+said about Mr. Garfield, Abe, it was plain to me that the stuff they was
+holding back from saying about him was pretty near giving them apoplexy,
+y'understand."
+
+"Well, when it comes to cussing out the Fuel Administrator, Mawruss,"
+Abe said, "them prominent sitsons wouldn't have nothing on the
+unprominent sitsons which is going to lose five days' pay now and one
+day's pay a week for ten weeks later. Yes, Mawruss, what them poor
+people is going to call Mr. Garfield during the five days they will lay
+off is going to pretty near warm up their cold homes even if it ain't
+going to provide food for their families, Mawruss. Furthermore, Mawruss,
+five continuous days is going to give them an opportunity to do a lot
+more real, hard thinking than they could do if they would have, we would
+say, for example, only one hour a day lay-off every other day over a
+period of a hundred days, Mawruss, and if at the end of them five days,
+Mawruss, they are going to take as much interest in the problems of this
+war as they are in the problem of how they are going to catch up with
+what they owe for five days' food and rent, Mawruss, I miss my guess,
+because Mr. Taft and Professor Jinks may think that them fellers is
+going to spend their five days' lockout in looking up war maps and
+sticking little colored flags in the positions now held by the French
+and German troops or in reading up the life of General Pershing and _My
+Three Years in Germany_ by Ambassador Gerard, Mawruss, _but I don't_."
+
+"And yet, Abe, admitting all you say is true, y'understand, what reason
+do you got for supposing that before Mr. Garfield shut off the coal he
+didn't also consider all these things, when they even occurred to a
+feller like you?" Morris asked.
+
+"What do you mean--a feller like me?" Abe demanded. "Thousands of people
+the country over is saying the selfsame thing."
+
+"I know they are," Morris said. "And why you and they should think that
+what occurred to thousands of people the country over shouldn't also
+occur to Mr. Garfield, Abe, is beyond me. Now I don't know no more about
+this coal proposition than you do, Abe, but I am willing to take a
+chance that when a big man like Garfield, backed up by President Wilson,
+does a crazy thing like this, y'understand, he must have had an awful
+good reason for it, no matter how good the reasons were against it."
+
+"Did I say he didn't?" Abe said.
+
+"Then why knock the feller?" Morris asked.
+
+"Say, looky here, Mawruss," Abe retorted, "are we living in Germany or
+America? An idee! On twenty-four hours' notice the government shuts off
+the coal-supply of the country and you expect that all that the people
+would say is, '_Omane! Solo!_' ('Amen! Selah!')."
+
+"Well, that's the way a government does business--on short notice, Abe,
+which if Mr. Garfield would be one of them take-it-on-the-other-hand
+fellers who considers the matter from every angle before he decides,
+y'understand, while he would have still got a couple of thousand angles
+to consider the matter from, Abe, the country would have been tied up
+into such knots over the coal-and-freight situation that it would have
+required not five days, but five hundred days, to untangle it,
+y'understand," Morris said.
+
+"But it seems to me, Mawruss, that Mr. Garfield could have spent, say,
+twenty-five minutes longer on that order of his, so that a manufacturer
+could tell from reading it over a few dozen times, with the assistance
+of a first-class, cracker-jack, A-number-one criminal lawyer, just what
+it was he couldn't do without making himself liable to a fine of five
+thousand dollars and one year imprisonment, y'understand," Abe said. "In
+fact, Mawruss, if the average manufacturer is going to try to understand
+that order before he does anything about it he'll have to shut down for
+five days while he is working to puzzle it out, and then he will keep
+his place closed down for five days longer while he is resting up from
+brain fag, understand me. Take, for instance, a department store which
+sells liquors and groceries, has a doctor in charge of the rest-room,
+and runs a public lunch-room in the basement, y'understand, and if the
+proprietor decided to make a test case of it by hiring John B.
+Stanchfield and keeping open on Monday, Mawruss, once Mr. Garfield got
+on the witness-stand and started to explain just what the exemptions
+exempted, y'understand, it would be years and years before he ever had a
+chance to see the old college again."
+
+"But Mr. Garfield wrote that order to save coal, not arguments, Abe,"
+Morris said. "He expected that the business men of the country would do
+the sensible thing next Monday by staying home and playing pinochle or
+poker, and those fellers which don't know enough about cards to even
+_kibbitze_ the game, y'understand, could go into another room and start
+in on their income-tax blanks, which, when it comes to figuring out what
+is capital and what is income in the excess-profits returns, Abe, there
+is many a business man which would not only put in all his Mondays
+between now and the first of March trying to straighten it out,
+y'understand, but would also be asking for further extensions of time to
+finish it up along about the fifteenth of April."
+
+"And that's the way it goes, Mawruss," Abe commented, with a sigh. "It
+use to was in the old days that all a feller had to know to go into the
+clothing business was clothing, y'understand, but nowadays a
+manufacturer of clothing or any other merchandise must also got to be a
+certified public accountant, an expert of high-grade words from the
+English language, a liar, a detective, and should also be able to take
+the stand on his own behalf in such a level-head way that the assistant
+district attorney couldn't get him rattled on cross-examination."
+
+"Well, my advice to these test-case fellers, Abe," Morris concluded, "is
+this: Be patriotic now. Don't wait till you're indicted."
+
+
+
+
+XIX
+
+MR. WILSON: THAT'S ALL
+
+   Potash and Perlmutter discuss the Chamberlain suggestion.
+
+
+"You know how it is yourself, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, one morning in
+January. "If you would see somebody nailing up something your first idee
+is to say: 'Here, give me that hammer. Is that a way to nail up a
+packing-case?' And then, if you went to work and showed him how, the
+chances is that before you get through the packing-case would look like
+it had been nailed up with a charge of shrapnel, and for six months
+people would be asking you what's the matter with your sore thumb.
+Painting is the same way. There's mighty few people which could see
+anybody else doing a home job of enameling without they would want to
+grab ahold of the brush and get themselves covered with enamel from head
+to foot, y'understand. So can you imagine the way Mr. Roosevelt is
+feeling about this war, Mawruss?"
+
+"Well, you've got to hand it to Mr. Roosevelt," Morris Perlmutter said.
+"He has had some small experience in that line, although, at that,
+you've got to take his statements of what ain't being done to run the
+war right with a grain of salt, Abe, whereas with Senator Chamberlain,
+y'understand, when he says that the President ain't running the war
+right according to the idees of a man which used to was a practising
+lawyer and politician out in the state of Oregon, y'understand, and,
+therefore, Abe, his speeches should ought to be barred by the Food
+Conservation Commission as being contrary to the Save the Salt
+movement."
+
+"But even Mr. Roosevelt, which he may or may not know anything about
+running a modern army, as the case may be and probably ain't, Mawruss,
+because lots of changes has come about in the running of armies since
+Mr. Roosevelt went out of the business, Mawruss," Abe said, "but as I
+was saying, Mawruss, even Mr. Roosevelt, as big a patriot as _he_ is,
+y'understand, ain't above spoiling a perfectly good job half done by Mr.
+Wilson, because he just couldn't resist saying: 'Here, give me hold of
+them soldiers. Is that a way to run an army?"
+
+"And besides, Abe," Morris said, "there's a great many people in this
+country, including Mr. Roosevelt, which believes that the only man which
+has got any license to say how the army should ought to be run is Mr.
+Roosevelt, y'understand, and ever since we got into this war, Abe, them
+fellers has been hanging around looking at Mr. Wilson like a crowd
+watching a feller gilding the ball on the top of the Metropolitan
+Tower, not wishing the feller any harm, y'understand, and hoping that he
+will either get away with it unhurt or make the drop while they are
+still standing there."
+
+"They ain't so patient like all that, Mawruss," Abe said. "Them fellers
+has got so tired waiting for Mr. Wilson to fall down on his job that
+they now want to drag him down or, anyhow, trip him up."
+
+"Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that," Morris declared, "but it
+looks to me that when Mr. Roosevelt read the results of the Senate
+investigations, y'understand, he wasn't as much shocked and surprised as
+he would have liked to have been, although to hear Senator Chamberlain
+talk you might think that what them investigations showed was bad enough
+to satisfy not only Mr. Roosevelt, but the Kaiser and his friends, also,
+when, as a matter of fact, the worst that any good American can say
+about Mr. Wilson as a result of them investigations is that instead of
+hiring angels who performed miracles, y'understand, he hired human
+beings who made mistakes."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But the worst thing of all that Mr. Wilson
+did was to say that Senator Chamberlain was talking wild when he made a
+speech about how every department of the government had practically gone
+to pieces, which Senator Chamberlain says that no matter how wild he may
+have talked before, nobody ever accused him that he talked wild in all
+the twenty-four years he has held public office."
+
+"Well, that only goes to show how wild some people talk, Abe," Morris
+said, "because when a man has held office for twenty-four years, talking
+wild is the very least people accuse him of."
+
+"But as a matter of fact, Mawruss, a feller from Oregon was telling me
+that Senator Chamberlain has held public office ever since eighteen
+eighty," Abe said. "He has run for everything from Assemblyman to
+Governor, and if he ain't able to remember by fourteen years how long he
+has held public office, Mawruss, how could he blame Mr. Wilson for
+accusing him that he is talking wild, in especially as he now admits
+that when he said all the departments of the government had broken down,
+y'understand, what he really meant was that the War Department had
+broken down. His word should not be questioned, or, in effect, that when
+a Senator presents a statement, the terms he is entitled to are
+seventy-five per cent. discount for facts."
+
+"Some of 'em needs a hundred per cent.," Morris said, "but that ain't
+here nor there, Abe. This war is bigger than Mr. Chamberlain's
+reputation, even as big as Mr. Chamberlain thinks it is, and it don't
+make no difference to us how many speeches Mr. Roosevelt makes or what
+Senator Stone calls him or he calls Senator Stone. Furthermore, Senator
+Penrose, Senator McKellar, and this here Hitchcock can also volunteer to
+police the game, Abe, but when it comes right _to_ it, y'understand,
+every one of them fellers is just a _Kibbitzer_, the same like these
+nuisances that sit around a Second Avenue coffee-house and give free
+advice to the pinochle-players--all they can see is the cards which has
+been played, and as for the cards which is still remaining in Mr.
+Wilson's hand, they don't know no more about it than you or I do."
+
+"And the only kick they've got, after all," Abe said, "is that President
+Wilson won't expose his hand, which if he did, Mawruss, he might just so
+well throw the game to Germany and be done with it."
+
+"So you see, Abe, them fellers, including Mr. Roosevelt, is willing to
+let no personal modesty stand in the way of a plain patriotic duty, at
+least so far as thirty-three and a third per cent. of his answer was
+concerned. But at that, it wouldn't do him no good, Abe, because, owing
+to what Mr. Roosevelt maintains is an oversight at the time the
+Constitution of the United States was fixed up 'way back in the year
+seventeen seventy-six, y'understand, the President of the United States
+was appointed the Commander-in-chief to run the United States army and
+navy, and also the President was otherwise mentioned several other
+times, but you could read the Constitution backward and forward, from
+end to end, and the word ex-President ain't so much as hinted at,
+y'understand."
+
+"Evidencely they thought that an ex-President would be willing to stay
+ex," Abe suggested.
+
+"But Mr. Roosevelt ain't," Morris said. "All that he wanted from Mr.
+Wilson was a little encouragement to take some small, insignificant part
+in this war, Abe, and it would only have been a matter of a short time
+when it would have required an expert to tell which was the President
+and which was the ex, y'understand."
+
+"I don't agree with you, Mawruss," Abe said. "Where Mr. Wilson has made
+his big mistake is that he is conducting this war on the theory of the
+old whisky brogan, 'Wilson! That's All.' If he would only of understood
+that you couldn't run a restaurant, a garment business, or even a war
+without stopping once in a while to jolly the knockers, Mawruss, all
+this investigation stuff would never of happened. Why, if I would have
+been Mr. Wilson and had a proposition like Mr. Roosevelt on my hands it
+wouldn't make no difference how rushed I was, every afternoon him and me
+would drink coffee together, and after I had made up my mind what I was
+going to do I would put it up to him in such a way that he would think
+the suggestion came from him, y'understand. Then I would find out what
+it was that Senator Chamberlain preferred, _gefullte Rinderbrust_ or
+_Tzimmas_, and whenever we had it for dinner, y'understand, I would have
+Senator Chamberlain up to the house and after he had got so full of
+_Tzimmas_ that he couldn't argue no more I would tell him what me and
+Mr. Roosevelt had agreed upon, and it wouldn't make no difference if I
+said to him, 'Am I right or wrong?' or 'Ain't that the sensible view to
+take of it?' he would say, 'Sure!' in either case."
+
+"You may be right, Abe," Morris agreed, "but if he was to begin that way
+with Roosevelt and Chamberlain, the first thing you know, William
+Randolph Hearst would be looking to be invited up for a
+five-course-luncheon consultation, and the least Senator Wadsworth and
+Senator McKellar would expect would be an occasional Welsh rabbit up at
+the White House, which even if Mr. Wilson's conduct of the war didn't
+suffer by it, his digestion might, and the end would be, Abe, that every
+Senator who couldn't get the ear of the President with, anyhow, a Dutch
+lunch, would pull an investigation on him as bad as anything that
+Chamberlain ever started."
+
+"It's too bad them fellers couldn't act the way Mr. Taft is behaving,"
+Abe said. "There is an ex-President which is really and truly ex,
+y'understand, and seemingly don't want to be nothing else, neither."
+
+"Well, Mr. Taft has got a whole lot of sympathy for Mr. Wilson, Abe,"
+Morris said. "He knows how it is himself, because when he was President,
+y'understand, he also had experience with Mr. Roosevelt trying to police
+his administration."
+
+"There's only one remedy, so far as I could see, Morris," Abe said, "if
+we're ever going to have Mr. Wilson make any progress with the war."
+
+"You don't mean we should put through that law for the three brightest
+men in the country to run it?" Morris inquired.
+
+"No, sir," Abe replied. "Put through a law that after anybody has held
+the office of ex-President for two administrations, Mawruss, he should
+become a private sitson--and mind his own business."
+
+
+
+
+XX
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE GRAND-OPERA BUSINESS
+
+
+"Where grand opera gets its big boost, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, the
+morning after Madame Galli-Curci made her sensational first appearance
+in New York, "is that practically everybody with a rating higher than J
+to L, credit fair, hates to admit that it don't interest them at all."
+
+"And even if it did interest them, Abe," Morris Perlmutter said, "they
+would got to have at least that rating before they could afford it to
+buy a decent seat."
+
+"Most of them don't begrudge the money spent this way, Mawruss, because
+it comes under the head of advertising and not amusement," Abe said.
+"Next to driving a four-horse coach down Fifth Avenue in the afternoon
+rush hour with a feller playing a New-Year's-eve horn on the back of the
+roof, Mawruss, owning a box at the Metropolitan Opera House is the
+highest-grade form of publicity which exists, and the consequence is
+that other people which believes in that kind of advertising medium,
+but couldn't afford to take so much space per week, sits in the cheaper
+ten-and six-dollar seats. And that's how the Metropolitan Opera House
+makes its money, Mawruss. It gets a thousand times better rates as any
+of the big five-cent weeklies, and it don't have to worry about the
+second-class-postage zones."
+
+"But you don't mean to tell me that the people which stands up
+down-stairs and buys seats in the gallery is also looking for
+publicity?" Morris said.
+
+"Them people is something else, again," Abe replied. "They are as
+different from the rest of the audience as magazine-readers is from
+magazine-advertisers. Take the box-holders in the Metropolitan Opera
+House and they _oser_ give a nickel what happens to Caruso. He could get
+burned in 'Trovatore,' stabbed in 'Pagliacci,' go to the devil in
+'Faust,' and have his intended die on him in 'Boheme,' and just so long
+as their names is spelled right on the programs it don't affect them
+millionaires no more than if, instead of being the greatest tenor in the
+world, he would be an Interstate Commerce Commissioner. On the other
+hand, them top-gallery fellers treats him like a little god,
+y'understand, which if Caruso hands them opera fans a high C, Mawruss,
+it's the equivalence of Dun or Bradstreet giving one of them box-holders
+an A-a."
+
+"Maybe you're right, Abe," Morris said, "but how do you account for
+people paying forty dollars for an orchestra seat at the Lexington
+Opera House just to hear this singer Galli-Curci in one performance
+only, which I admit I ain't no advertising expert, Abe, but it seems to
+me that if anybody is going to get benefit from publicity like that he
+might just so well circulate a picture of himself drinking champanyer
+wine out of a lady's satin slipper and be done with it, for all the good
+it is going to do him with the National Association of Credit Men."
+
+"That is another angle of the grand-opera proposition, Mawruss," Abe
+said. "Paying forty dollars for an orchestra seat to hear this lady with
+the Lloyd-George name is the same like an operation for appendicitis to
+some people, Mawruss. It not only makes them feel superior to their
+friends which 'ain't had the experience, but it gives 'em a tropic of
+conversation which is never going to be barred by the statue of
+limitations, and for months to come such a feller is going to go round
+saying, 'Well, I heard Galli-Curci the other night,' and it won't make
+no difference if it's a pinochle game, a lodge funeral, or a real-estate
+transaction, he's going to hold it up for from fifteen minutes to half
+an hour while he talks about her upper register, her middle register,
+and her lower register to a bunch of people who don't know whether a
+coloratura soprano can travel on a sleeper south to Washington, D.C., or
+has to use the Jim Crow cars."
+
+"All right, if it's such a crime not to know what a coloratura soprano
+is, Abe," Morris commented, "I'm guilty in the first degree. So go
+ahead, Abe. I'm willing to take my punishment. Tell me, what _is_ a
+coloratura soprano?"
+
+"I suppose you think I don't know," Abe said.
+
+"I don't think you don't know," Morris replied, "but I do think that the
+only reason you _do_ know, Abe, is that you 'ain't looked it up long
+enough since to have forgotten it."
+
+"Is _that_ so!" Abe exclaimed. "Well, that's where you make a big
+mistake. I am already an experienced hand at going on the opera. When I
+was by Old Man Baum we had a customer by the name Harris Feinsilver,
+which if you only get him started on how he heard Jenny Lind at what is
+now the Aquarium in Battery Park somewheres around eighteen hundred and
+fifty-two, y'understand, you could sell him every sticker in the place,
+and him and me went often on the opera together. In fact I got so that I
+didn't mind it at all, and that's how I become acquainted with the
+different grades of singers which works by grand opera. Take, for
+instance, sopranos, and they come in two classes. There is the soprano
+which hollers murder police and they call her a dramatic soprano. And
+then again there is the soprano which gargles. That is a coloratura
+soprano."
+
+"And people is paying forty dollars an orchestra seat to hear a woman
+gargle?" Morris exclaimed.
+
+"Of course I don't say she actually gargles, y'understand," Abe
+explained, "anyhow not all the time, Mawruss. Once in a while she sings
+a song which has got quite a tune in it pretty near up to the end, and
+then she carries on something terrible anywheres from two to eight
+minutes till the feller that runs the orchestra couldn't stand it no
+longer and he gives them the signal they should drown her out."
+
+[Illustration: "Take, for instance, sopranos, and they come in two
+classes. There is the soprano which hollers murder police and they call
+her a dramatic soprano. And then again there is the soprano which
+gargles. That is a coloratura soprano."]
+
+"I should think he would get to know when it is coming on her and drown
+her out before she starts," Morris said.
+
+"What do you mean--drown her out before she starts?" Abe continued.
+"That's what she gets paid for--carrying on in such a manner, and them
+people up in the top gallery goes crazy over it."
+
+"Then why don't the feller which runs the orchestra let her keep it up?"
+Morris asked.
+
+"A question!" Abe said. "There is from forty to fifty men working in the
+orchestra, and if the feller which runs it let them top-gallery people
+have their way it would cost him a fortune for overtime for them fellers
+that plays the fiddles alone."
+
+"He should arrange a wage scale accordingly," Morris said, "because it
+don't make no difference if it's the garment business or the grand-opera
+business, Abe, the customer should ought to come first."
+
+"_I_ always felt that I got _my_ money's worth, Mawruss," Abe said. "In
+particular when it comes to one of them operas with a coloratura soprano
+in it, y'understand, it seemed to me they could of cut down on the
+working time without hurting the quality of the goods in the slightest.
+There's always a good fifteen minutes wasted in such operas where a
+feller in the orchestra plays a little something on the flute and the
+coloratura soprano sings the same music on the stage, the idee being to
+show that you couldn't tell the difference between the feller playing
+the flute and the coloratura soprano except the feller playing the flute
+has all his clothes on. Then, again, during the death-bed scene in the
+last act they kill a whole lot of time also."
+
+"Do you mean to say there's a death-bed scene in every one of them
+operas?" Morris inquired.
+
+"Practically," Abe replied. "There ain't many grand operas where both
+the tenor and the soprano sticks it out alive till the end of the last
+act, Mawruss. Tenors, in particular, is awful risks, Mawruss, which I
+bet yer that eighty per cent. of the times I seen Caruso he either
+passed away along about quarter past eleven after an awful hard spell of
+singing, or give you the impression that he wasn't going to survive the
+soprano more than a couple of days at the outside."
+
+"And yet some people couldn't understand why everybody takes in the
+Winter Garden or Ziegfeld's Follies," Morris commented.
+
+"Of course I don't say that the audience suffers as much as if it was in
+the English language, but even when a lady dies in French or Italian I
+couldn't enjoy it, neither," Abe said.
+
+"It seems to me, Abe, that a feller which goes often on grand opera is
+lucky if he understands only English," Morris observed.
+
+"That's what you would naturally think, Mawruss," Abe agreed, "and yet
+there is people which is so anxious that they shouldn't miss none of
+the tenor's last words that they actually go to work and buy for
+twenty-five cents in the lobby a translation of the Italian operas,
+which I got stung that way only once, because to follow from the English
+translation what the singers is saying on the stage in Italian, Mawruss,
+a feller could be a combination of a bloodhound and a mind-reader,
+y'understand, and even then he would get twisted. For instance, Caruso
+comes out with a couple hundred assorted tenors and bassos, and so far
+as any human being could tell which don't understand Italian, Mawruss,
+he begs them that they shouldn't go out on strike right in the middle of
+the busy season, in particular when times is so hard and everything, and
+from the way he puts his hand on his heart it looks like he is also
+telling them that he is speaking to them as a friend, y'understand, and
+to consider their wives and children, understand me. All the effect this
+seems to have on them is that they yell, 'Down with the bosses!' and
+they insist on a closed shop and that the terms of the protocol should
+be lived up to. This gets Caruso crazy. He grabs his vest with both
+hands and makes one last big appeal, y'understand, in which he tells
+them that the delegates is stalling and that they are being made suckers
+of, and that if it would be the last word he would ever speak, the
+sensible thing is for them to go right back to work and leave it to
+arbitration by a joint board consisting of the president of the
+Manufacturers' Association, the chairman of the Garment Workers' Union,
+and Jacob H. Schiff, y'understand, but do you think they would listen to
+him? _Oser a Stueck!_ They laugh in his face, and it don't make no
+difference that he repeats it an octave higher accompanied by the
+fiddles, and gives them one last chance, ending on a high C,
+y'understand, they refuse to reconsider the matter, and when the curtain
+goes down it looks like the strike was on for fair. However, when the
+lights are turned on and you look it up in the English translation, what
+do you find? The entire thing was a false alarm, Mawruss. It seems that
+for twenty minutes Caruso has been singing over and over again, 'Come,
+my friends, let us go,' and the whole time them people was acting like
+they wanted to tear him to pieces, they have been saying, 'Yes, yes, let
+us go' a thousand times over, and that's all there was _to_ it."
+
+"Well, after all, with a grand opera, it ain't so much the words as the
+music," Morris commented.
+
+"Even the music they don't take it so particular about nowadays," Abe
+continued. "In fact, the up-to-date thing in grand opera is not to have
+any music, Mawruss, only samples, which some of them newest grand
+operas, Mawruss, if it wouldn't be that the people on the stage is
+making such a racket instead of the people in the audience you would
+think that the orchestra was continuing to tune up during the entire
+evening."
+
+"Seemingly you didn't get a whole lot out of your visits to the opera,
+Abe," Morris said.
+
+"Oh yes, I did," Abe replied. "I got some wonderful idees for
+dinner-dress designs and evening gowns. I 'ain't got no kick coming
+against the opera, Mawruss. A garment-manufacturer can put in a very
+profitable evening there any night if he can only stand the music."
+
+
+
+
+XXI
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE MAGAZINE IN WAR-TIMES
+
+
+"I am just now reading an article by a feller which his name I couldn't
+remember, but he used to was a baseball-writer for the New York _Moon,"_
+Abe Potash said, as he laid down one of the several weeklies that have
+the largest circulation in the United States.
+
+"Is this a time to read about baseball?" Morris Perlmutter asked.
+
+"What do you mean--baseball?" Abe demanded. "I said that the feller
+_used_ to was a baseball-writer, but he is now a dramatic cricket."
+
+"With me and dramatic crickets, Abe," Morris said, "it is always
+showless Tuesday, which when it comes to knocking plays, Abe, believe
+me, I don't need no assistance from nobody."
+
+"Who said he is knocking plays, Mawruss?" Abe protested. "This here
+dramatic cricket has just returned from the western front, and he says
+that the way it looks now the war would last until--"
+
+"Excuse me for interrupting you, Abe," Morris said, "but is there an
+article in that paper by a soldier which used to was a certified public
+accountant telling what is going to happen in the show business,
+because, if so, it might interest me, y'understand, but what a dramatic
+cricket who is also an ex-baseball-writer has got to say about the war,
+Abe, would only make me mad, Abe, because there is people writing about
+this war which really knows something about it, whereas as a general
+proposition it don't make no difference who writes about the show
+business, he usually don't know no more about it as, for example, a
+baseball-writer."
+
+"That's where you make a big mistake, Mawruss," Abe said. "I have read
+articles about the war ever since the war started, and so far as I could
+see, Mawruss, the fellers which wrote them might just so well of stayed
+at home and got their dope from actors and baseball-players, because you
+take, for instance, the fellers which has written about conditions in
+Russland, Mawruss, and claims to have their information right on the
+spot from the Russian working-men and soldiers, y'understand, and from
+the way them fellers is all the time springing _Nitchyvo!_ and _Da!_ in
+their articles, Mawruss, it's a hundred-to-one proposition that them two
+words was all the Russian they was equipped with to carry on their
+conversations with them moujiks."
+
+"For that matter, the fellers which writes the articles about the French
+end of the war don't seem to have had a nervous breakdown from studying
+French, neither," Morris observed. "All the French which them fellers
+puts into their writings is _O.U.I., m'sieu_, which don't look to me to
+be any more efficient as _C.O.D., m'sieu_, when it comes to finding out
+from a feller which speaks only French what he thinks about the war."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe agreed. "But a feller which writes such an article
+ain't aiming to tell what the French people thinks about the war. He is
+only writing what _he_ thinks French people is thinking about the war;
+in fact, Mawruss, I've yet got to see the war article which contains as
+much information about the war and the people fighting in the war as
+about the feller which is writing the article, and the consequence is
+that after you put in a whole evening reading such an article you find
+that you've learned a lot of facts which might be of interest to the war
+correspondent's family provided he has sent them home money regularly
+every week and otherwise behaved to them in the past in such a manner
+that they give a nickel whether he comes back dead or alive."
+
+"Of course there is exceptions, Abe," Morris said. "There is them
+articles which gives an account of the big battle where if the Allies
+would of only gone on fighting for one hour longer, Abe, they would of
+busted through the German line and the war would of been, so to speak,
+over."
+
+"What big battle was that, Mawruss?" Abe asked.
+
+"Practically every big battle which a war correspondent has written an
+article about since the war started," Morris replied, "and also while
+the article don't exactly say so, y'understand, it leads you to believe
+that if the feller which wrote it would of been running the battle, Abe,
+things would of been very different. Then again there is them articles
+which contains an account of just to prove how cool the English soldiers
+is, Abe, the war correspondent which wrote it heard about a private
+which had the hiccoughs during the heavy gunfire and asks some one to
+scare him so that he can cure his hiccoughs, which to me it don't prove
+so much how cool the English soldiers is as how some editors of
+magazines seemingly never go to moving-picture vaudeville shows."
+
+"Editors 'ain't got no time for such nonsense, Mawruss," Abe said. "They
+got _enough_ to keep 'em busy busheling the jobs them war correspondents
+turns in on them. Also, Mawruss, running a magazine in war-times ain't
+such a cinch, neither. Take in the old times before the war, and if a
+trunk railroad got wrecked, y'understand, people stayed interested long
+enough so that even if the article about how the head of the guilty
+banking concern worked his way up didn't appear till three months
+afterward, it was still good, but you take it to-day, Mawruss, and the
+chances is that a dozen articles about how Leon Trotzky used to was a
+feller by the name Braustein which are now slated to be put into the May
+edition of the magazine is going to be killed along with Trotzky
+somewheres about the middle of next month. In fact, Mawruss, things
+happen so thick and fast in this war that three months from now the only
+thing that people is going to remember about Brest-Litovsk and
+Galli-Curci will be the hyphens, and they won't be able to say offhand
+whether or not it was Brest-Litovsk that had the soprano voice or the
+peace conference."
+
+"Well, if a magazine editor gets stumped for something to take the place
+of an article which went sour on him, Abe," Morris suggested, "he could
+always print a story about a beautiful lady spy, and usually does,
+y'understand, which the way them amateur spy-hunters gets their dope
+from reading magazines nowadays, Abe, if the magazines prints any more
+of them beautiful lady-spy stories, y'understand, a beautiful face on a
+lady is soon going to be as suspicious-looking as Heidelberg dueling
+scars on a man, and it's bound to have quite an adverse effect on the
+complexion-cream business."
+
+"But you've got to hand it to these magazine editors, Mawruss," Abe
+said. "They ain't afraid to print articles which coppers the
+advertisements in the back pages. I am reading only this morning an
+article which it says on page twenty-eight of the magazine that people
+in Berlin is getting made _Geheimeraths_ and having eagles hung on them
+by the Kaiser in all shades from red to Copenhagen blue for helping out
+Germany in this war by doing things that ain't one, two, six compared
+with what a feller in New York does when he buys a fifteen-hundred-dollar
+automobile, y'understand, and yet on pages thirty, thirty-two,
+thirty-eight, forty, and all the other pages from forty-one to fifty
+inclusive, the same magazine prints advertisements of automobiles costing
+from ten thousand dollars downwards, F.O.B. a freight-car in Detroit which
+should ought to be filled with ship-building material F.O.B. Newark, N.J."
+
+"That ain't the magazine's fault, Abe," Morris said. "If it wasn't kept
+going by the money the advertisers pays for such advertisements it
+wouldn't be able to print them articles telling people it is unpatriotic
+to buy the automobiles which the advertisement says they should ought to
+buy."
+
+"Maybe you're right," Abe said, "but in that case when a magazine prints
+an advertisement by the Charoses Motor Car Company that the new Charoses
+inclosed models in designs and luxury of appointment surpass the finest
+motor-carriages of this country and Europe, Mawruss, the editor should
+add in small letters, 'But see page twenty-eight of this magazine,' and
+then when the reader turns to page twenty-eight and finds out what the
+article says about pleasure cars in war-times, y'understand, he would
+think twice, ain't it?"
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But there's always the danger that the
+advertiser would also turn to page twenty-eight, so as a business
+proposition for the magazine, it would be better if the editors stick
+to them _nitchyvo_ articles, which if the advertisers turn to page
+twenty-eight and see one of those articles the only thing that would
+worry them, y'understand, is whether or not the reader is going to get
+so disgusted that he would throw away the magazine before he reached the
+advertising section."
+
+"That ain't how __I look at it, Mawruss," Abe protested. "The way a
+manufacturer has to figure costs so close nowadays, Mawruss, anything
+like these here war articles which gives you an example of how to turn
+out the finished product with the least amount of labor and material in
+it, Mawruss, should ought to be of great interest to the business man.
+For instance, you ask one of them live, up-to-date young fellers which
+is now writing about the war with such a good imitation of being right
+next to all the big diplomatic secrets that no one would ever suspect
+how before the war he used to think when he saw the word Gavour in the
+papers that it wasn't spelled right and cost a dollar fifty a portion
+with hard-boiled egg and chopped onions on the side, y'understand, and
+we'll say that such a feller is ordered by the magazine _nebich_ which
+he works for to go and see Mr. Lloyd George and fill up pages twelve,
+thirteen, and fourteen of the April, nineteen seventeen, edition with
+what Lloyd George tells him about political conditions in Europe. Well,
+the first time he goes to Mr. Lloyd George's house we will say he gets
+kicked down the front stoop, on account when he says he represents the
+_Interborough Magazine_, the butler thinks he comes from the
+subscription department instead of the editorial department and didn't
+pay no attention to the sign 'No Canvassers Allowed on These Premises.'
+Do you suppose that feazes the young feller? _Oser a Stueck!_ He goes
+straight back home, paints the place where he landed with iodine,
+y'understand, and writes enough to fill up the whole of page twelve
+about how, unlike President Wilson, Mr. Lloyd George believes in
+surrounding himself with strong men. The next time he calls there he
+gets into the front parlor while he sends up his card, and before the
+butler could return with the message that Mr. Lloyd George says he
+wouldn't be back for some days, y'understand, Mrs. Lloyd George happens
+in and wants to know who let him in there and he should go and wait
+outside in the vestibule, which is good for half a page of how Mr. Lloyd
+George's success in politics is due in great measure to the tact and
+diplomacy of his charming wife.
+
+"However, he has still got half of page thirteen and all of page
+fourteen to fill up, and the next day he lays for Mr. Lloyd George at
+the corner of the street and walks along beside him while he tells him
+he represents the _Interborough Magazine_, which on account of the young
+feller's American accent Mr. Lloyd George gets the idee at first that he
+is being asked for the price of a night's lodging, y'understand. So he
+tells the young feller that he should ought to be ashamed not to be
+fighting for his country. This brings them to the front door, and when
+Mr. Lloyd George at last finds out what the young feller really wants,
+understand me, he says, 'I 'ain't got no time to talk to you now,' which
+is practically everything the young feller needs to finish up his
+article.
+
+"He sits up all night and writes a full account, as nearly as he could
+remember it, not having taken no notes at the time, of just what Mr.
+Lloyd George said about the 'Youth of the country and universal military
+service,' y'understand, and also how Mr. Lloyd George spoke at some
+length of the Cabinet Minister's life in war-times and what little
+opportunity it gave for meeting and conversing with friends, quoting Mr.
+Lloyd George's very words, which were, as the young feller distinctly
+recalled, 'Much as I would like to do so, I find myself quite unable to
+speak even to you at any greater length,' and that's the way them
+articles is written, Mawruss."
+
+"I wonder how big the article would of been, supposing the young feller
+had really and truly talked to Mr. Lloyd George for, say, three to five
+minutes, Abe," Morris said.
+
+"Then the article wouldn't have been an article no more, Mawruss," Abe
+concluded. "It would of been a book of four hundred pages by the name:
+_Lloyd George, The Cabinet Minister and the Man_. Price, two dollars
+net."
+
+
+
+
+XXII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON SAVING DAYLIGHT, COAL, AND BREATH
+
+
+"It ain't a bad scheme at that, Mawruss," Abe Potash said as he laid
+down the paper which contained an editorial on daylight-saving. "The
+idee is to get a law passed by the legislature setting the clock ahead
+one hour in summer-time and get the advantage of the sun rising earlier
+and setting later so that you don't have to use so much electric light
+and gas, y'understand, because it's an old saying and a true one,
+Mawruss, that the sunshine's free for everybody."
+
+"Except the feller in the raincoat business," Morris Perlmutter added.
+
+"Also, Mawruss," Abe continued, evading the interruption, "there's a
+whole lot of people which 'ain't got enough will power to get up until
+their folks knock at the door and say it is half past seven and are they
+going to lay in bed all day, y'understand, which in reality when the
+clocks are set ahead, Mawruss, it would be only half past six."
+
+"But don't you suppose that lazy people read the newspapers the same
+like anybody else, Abe?" Morris asked. "Them fellers would know just as
+good as the people which is trying to wake them up that it is only half
+past six under Section Two A of Chapter Five Fourteen of the Laws of
+Nineteen Eighteen entitled 'An Act to Save Daylight in the State of New
+York for Cities of the First, Second, and Third Classes,' y'understand,
+and they will turn right over and go on sleeping until eight o'clock,
+old style, which is two hours after the sun is scheduled to rise in the
+almanacs published by Kidney Remedy companies from information furnished
+by the United States government in Washington."
+
+"Of course, Mawruss, I ain't such a big philosopher like you,
+y'understand," Abe said, "but so far as I could see it ain't going to do
+a bit of harm if you could get down-town one hour earlier in the
+summer-time, even though it is going to take an act of the legislature
+to do it."
+
+"And it would also be a good thing if the legislature would pass an act
+making a half an hour for lunch thirty minutes long instead of ninety
+minutes, the way some people has got into the habit of figuring it,
+Abe," Morris retorted, "but, anyhow, that ain't here nor there. This is
+a republic, Abe, and if the people wants to kid themselves by putting
+the clock ahead instead of getting up earlier, Mawruss, the government
+could easy oblige them, y'understand, but not even the Kaiser and all
+his generals could make a law that would change the sun from being right
+straight overhead at twelve o'clock noon, Abe."
+
+"Don't worry about the sun, Mawruss," Abe said. "The sun would stay on
+the job, war-times or no war-times. Nobody is trying to make laws to kid
+the sun into getting to work any earlier, Mawruss, but even with this
+war as an argument, there's a whole lot of people which would be foolish
+enough to claim pay for a time and a half for the first hour they worked
+if you was to alter your office hours so that they had to come down-town
+at seven instead of eight, although you did let them go home an hour
+earlier in the afternoon."
+
+"Maybe they would," Morris said, "but it seems to me, Abe, that a great
+deal of time and money is wasted by legislatures making laws for
+unreasonable people. For instance, if you change the clocks to save time
+where are you going to stop? The next thing you know the legislature
+would be trying to save coal by changing the thermometer in winter so
+that the freezing-point from December first to March first would be
+forty-five degrees Fahrenheit, and then when people living in houses
+situated in cities of the first, second, and third classes kept their
+houses up to a sixty-eight-degree new style, which was fifty-five
+degrees old style, they would be feeling perfectly comfortable under the
+statue in such case made and provided. Also legislatures would be making
+laws for the period of the sugar shortage, changing the dials on spring
+scales by bringing the pounds closer together, so that a pound of sugar
+would contain sixteen ounces new style, being equivalent to twelve
+ounces old style."
+
+"It ain't a bad idea at that, Mawruss," Abe said.
+
+"It wouldn't be if the same law provided for changing the size of
+teaspoons and cups, Abe," Morris said, "and even then there is no way of
+trusting a bowl of sugar to a sugar hog in the hopes that he wouldn't
+help himself to four or five spoonfuls, new style, being the equivalent
+of the three spoonfuls such a _Chozzer_ used to be put into his coffee
+before the passage of the sugar-spoon law, supposing there was such a
+law."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But daylight is different from sugar. The
+idea is that people should use more of it, Mawruss."
+
+"I am willing," Morris said; "but so far as I could see, there ain't
+going to be no more daylight after the law goes into effect than there
+was before, and as for setting the clock one hour ahead, anybody could
+do that for himself without the legislature passing a law about it."
+
+"Say!" Abe protested. "Legislators don't get paid piece-work. They draw
+an annual salary, Mawruss; so if they went to pass a law about it, let
+them do a little something to earn their wages, Mawruss."
+
+"Don't worry about them fellers not earning their wages, Abe," Morris
+said. "Legislators is like actors, so long as they got their names in
+the papers they don't care how hard they work, which if you was to allow
+them fellers to regulate the hours of daylight by legislation, Abe, so
+as to encourage lazy people to get up earlier, Abe, the first thing you
+know, so as to encourage aviators to fly higher, they would be passing
+an act suspending the laws of gravity for the period of the war."
+
+"Well, I believe in that, too, Mawruss," Abe said. "Time enough we
+should have laws of gravity when we need them, but what is the use going
+round with a long face before we actually have something to pull a long
+face over? Am I right or wrong, Mawruss?"
+
+"Tell me, Abe," Morris asked, "what do you think the laws of gravity is,
+anyhow? No Sunday baseball or something?"
+
+"Well, ain't it?" Abe demanded.
+
+"So that's your idee of the laws of gravity," Morris exclaimed.
+
+"Say!" Abe retorted. "When I got a partner which is a combination of
+John G. Stanchfield, Judge Brandeis, and the feller what wrote
+_Hamafteach_, I should worry if I don't know every law in the law-books;
+so go ahead, Mawruss, I'm listening. What _is_ the laws of gravity?"
+
+"The laws of gravity is this," Morris explained. "If you would throw a
+ball up in the air, why does it come down?"
+
+"Because I couldn't perform miracles exactly," Abe replied, promptly.
+
+"Neither could the legislature and also President Wilson," Morris said,
+"because even though you would understand the laws of gravity, which you
+don't, the baseball comes down according to the laws of gravity, and
+even though Mr. Wilson does understand the laws of supply and demand,
+y'understand, if he gets busy and sets a low price on coal, potatoes,
+wheat, or anything else that people is working to produce for a living
+and not for the exercise there is in it, y'understand, such people would
+leave off producing it and go into some other line where the prices
+ain't regulated."
+
+"They would be suckers if they didn't," Abe commented.
+
+"And the consequence would be that sooner or later, on account of such
+low prices, y'understand, everybody would have the price, but nobody
+would have the coal," Morris said, "and that is what is called the law
+of supply and demand. It ain't a law which was passed by any
+legislature, Abe. It's a law which made itself, like the law that if you
+eat too much you'll get stomach trouble, and if you spend too much
+you'll go broke, and you couldn't sidestep any of them self-made laws by
+consulting those high-grade crooks which used to specialize in getting
+million-dollar fees out of finding loopholes in the Interstate Commerce
+law and the Anti-trust laws, because there's no loopholes in the law of
+supply and demand."
+
+"Might there ain't no loopholes in the law of supply and demand, maybe,"
+Abe said; "but when Mr. Wilson gave the order to his Coal Administrator
+to lower the price of coal it's my idee that he was trying to punch a
+few loopholes in the law of The Public Be Damned, which while it was
+never passed by no legislature, Mawruss, it ain't self-made, neither,
+y'understand, but was made by the producer to do away with this here law
+of gravity, because under the law of The Public Be Damned prices goes up
+and they never come down, but they keep on going up and up according to
+that other law, the law of the Sky's the Limit, which no doubt a big
+philosopher like you, Mawruss, has heard about already."
+
+"In the company of igneramuses, Abe," Morris said, "a feller could easy
+get a reputation for being a big philosopher, and not know such an awful
+lot at that."
+
+"I give you right, Mawruss," Abe agreed, heartily; "but even admitting
+that you don't know an awful lot, Mawruss, there's something in what you
+say about this here law of supply and demand."
+
+"Well, now that you indorse it, Abe, that makes it, anyhow, an
+argument," Morris commented.
+
+"But it looks to me like one of them arguments that is pulled by the
+supply end to put something over on the demand end," Abe continued,
+"because President Wilson knows just so much about the law of supply and
+demand as the coal operators does, Mawruss, and when he fixed the price
+of coal you could bet your life, Mawruss, he made it an even break for
+the supply people as well as for the demand people."
+
+"And what has all this got to do with setting the clock ahead one hour
+in summer, Abe, which was what you was talking about in the first
+place?" Morris demanded.
+
+"Nothing, except that setting the clock ahead so as to save bills for
+gas and electric light and limiting the price of coal so as the public
+couldn't be gouged by the coal operators, so far as I could see, is two
+dead open and shut propositions, Mawruss," Abe said, "which of course I
+admit that I'm an ignorant man and don't know no more laws than a
+police-court lawyer, y'understand, but at the same time, Mawruss, I must
+got to say the way it looks to me it ain't the ignorant men which is
+blocking the speed of this war. For instance, who is it when Mr. Hoover
+wants to have millions of bushels wheat by using whole-wheat bread that
+says whole-wheat bread irritates the lining from the elementry canal?
+The ignorant man? _Oser!_ He don't know the elementry canal from the
+Panama Canal, and if he did he couldn't tell you whether elementry
+canals came lined with Skinner's satin or mohair or just plain unlined
+with the seams felled. Then, again, who is it that when _any_ order is
+made by the government which is meant to help along the war takes it
+like a personal insult direct from Mr. Wilson? The ignorant man? No,
+Mawruss, it's the feller which thinks that what's the use of having an
+education if you couldn't seize every opportunity of putting up an
+argument and using all the long words you've got in your system."
+
+"All right, Abe," Morris said. "I'm converted. Rather as sit here and
+waste the whole morning I'm content that you should pass a law saving
+daylight if you want to."
+
+[Illustration: "For instance, who is it that says whole-wheat bread
+irritates the lining from the elementry canal? The ignorant man?
+_Oser!_"]
+
+"Don't do me no favors, Mawruss," Abe commented.
+
+"And while you're about it, Abe," Morris concluded, "if you couldn't
+save it otherwise, have the legislature pass another law that people
+should save something else for the duration of the war which they
+ordinarily couldn't live without."
+
+"What's that?" Abe asked.
+
+"Breath," Morris said.
+
+
+
+
+XXIII
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS WHY IS A PLAY-GOER?
+
+
+"Did you see on the front page of all the newspapers this morning where
+Klaw & Erlanger has had another split with the Shuberts, Mawruss?" Abe
+Potash asked, one morning in February.
+
+"Say," Morris Perlmutter replied, "I didn't even know they had ever made
+up since the time they split before, and, furthermore, Abe, I think that
+even if the most important news a feller in the newspaper business could
+get ahold of to print on his front page was an I.O.M.A. convention,
+instead of the greatest war in history, y'understand, he would be giving
+his readers a great big jolt compared with the thrill they get when they
+read about the troubles people has got in the show business."
+
+"Maybe _you_ think so, Mawruss," Abe said, "but Klaw & Erlanger and the
+Shuberts don't think so, and when you consider that them two concerns
+control all the theayters in the United States and spends millions of
+dollars for advertising, Mawruss, a feller in the newspaper business
+don't show such poor judgment to give them boys a little space on the
+front page whenever they have their semi-annual split."
+
+"Probably you're right, Abe," Morris said; "but if it was you and me
+that had a big fight on with our nearest competitors, Abe, advertising
+it in the newspapers would be the last thing we would be looking for."
+
+"The garment business ain't the theayter business, Mawruss," Abe said.
+"For instance, being a defendant in a divorce suit don't get any one
+nowheres in the garment trade, because if a garment-manufacturer would
+have such a person working for him practically the only effect it would
+have on his business would be that he would be obliged to neglect it two
+or three times a day answering telephone inquiries from his wife as to
+just how he was putting in his time, y'understand, and so far as
+bringing customers into your place who want to see the lady you got
+working for you which all the scandal was printed about in the papers,
+Mawruss, it wouldn't make any difference _what_ the evidence was, you
+couldn't get your trade interested to the extent even of their coming in
+to snoop with no intentions to buy, y'understand. But you take it in the
+theayter business and big fortunes has been made out of rotten plays
+simply because the theayter-going public wanted to see if the leading
+lady looked like the pictures which was printed of her in the papers at
+the time the court denied her the custody of the child, understand me."
+
+"Then you think that there's going to be a big rush on the theayters
+controlled by Klaw & Erlanger and the Shuberts on account people has
+been reading in the papers about their scrapping again, Abe?" Morris
+inquired.
+
+Abe shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think nothing of the kind,
+Mawruss," Abe said; "but there's a whole lot of fellers in the theayter
+business which have stories printed about themselves in the Sunday
+papers where it tells how they used to was in business and finally
+worked their way into the theayter business and what is their favorite
+luncheon dish, y'understand, till you would think that the reason people
+went to see plays was because the manager formerly run a clothing-store
+in Milwaukee, Wis., and is crazy about liver and bacon, Southern style."
+
+"That would be, anyhow, as good a reason as because the leading lady's
+home life didn't come up to her husband's expectations," Morris
+commented.
+
+"Well, no matter for what reason people do it, Mawruss," Abe concluded,
+"buying tickets for a show is as big a gamble as a home-cooked Welsh
+rabbit, in especially if you try to go by the advertisements. For
+instance, in to-day's paper there is three shows advertised as the
+biggest hit in town, four of them says they got more laughs in them than
+any other show in town, and there are a lot of assorted 'Biggest Hits in
+Years,' 'Biggest Hits Since the "Music Master,"' and 'Biggest Hits in
+New York,' so what chance does an outsider stand of knowing which
+advertisements is O.K. and which is just pushing the stickers?"
+
+"The plan that I got is never to go on a theayter till the show has been
+running for at least three months, Abe," Morris advised.
+
+"But if everybody else followed the same plan, Mawruss," Abe commented,
+"what show is going to run three months?"
+
+"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "There would always be plenty of nosy people in
+New York City which 'ain't got no more to do with their money than to
+find out if what the crickets has got to say in the newspapers about the
+new plays is the truth or just kindness of heart, y'understand."
+
+"From what I know of newspaper crickets, Mawruss," Abe said, "when they
+praise a show they may be mistaken, but they're never kind-hearted."
+
+"If a play runs three months, Abe, it don't make no difference to me
+whether the newspaper crickets praised it because they had kind hearts
+or knocked it because they had stomach trouble," Morris said, "I am
+willing to risk my two dollars, _anyhow_."
+
+"Maybe it would be better all around, Mawruss, if the newspaper crickets
+printed what they think about a play the day after it closes instead of
+the day after it opens," Abe observed, "and then they might have
+something to go by. As it is, a whole lot of newspaper crickets is like
+doctors which says there is absolutely nothing the matter with the
+patient only ten days before the automobile cortege leaves his late
+residence."
+
+"But there is more of them like doctors which says that the patient may
+live two days and he may live two weeks, y'understand, and four weeks
+later he is put in Class One and leaves for Camp Upton with the next
+contingent," Morris said. "Take even 'Hamlet,' Abe, which I can remember
+since 'way before the Spanish war already, and I bet yer when that show
+was put on there was some crickets which said that John Drew or whoever
+it was which first took 'Hamlet' did the best he could with a rotten
+part and headed the article, 'John Drew scores in dull play at
+Fifty-first Street Theater.'"
+
+"Even so, Mawruss," Abe said, "that wouldn't feaze J.H. Woods or whoever
+the manager was which first put on 'Hamlet,' because we would say, for
+example, that the cricket of the New York _Star-Gazette_ said, 'Hamlet'
+would be an A-number-one play if it had been written by a pants-presser
+in his off moments, but as the serious work of a professional
+play-designer it ain't worth a moment's consideration; also the cricket
+of the New York _Record_ says, From the liberal applause at the end of
+the third act 'Hamlet' might have been the most brilliant drama since
+'The Easiest Way' instead of a play full of clack-trap scenes and which
+will positively meet the _capora_ it deserves, y'understand.
+Furthermore, Mawruss, we would say that every other paper says the same
+thing and also roasts the play, y'understand, so what does this here
+Woods do? Does he lay right down and notify the operators that under the
+by-laws of the Actors' Union they should please consider that they have
+received the usual two weeks' notice that the show will close the next
+night? _Oser a Stueck!_ The next day he puts in every paper for two
+hundred and twenty-five dollars an advertisement:
+
+ FIFTY-FIRST STREET THEATER
+ J.H. WOODS ..... LESSEE
+ J.H. WOODS
+ PRESENTS
+ 'HAMLET'
+ THE SEASON'S SENSATION!
+
+ An A-number-one play.--_New York Star-Gazette._
+
+ Most brilliant drama since 'The Easiest Way.'--_New York Record._
+
+ John Drew scores heavily.--_New York Evening Moon._"
+
+"Well, I'll tell you," Morris said; "while I admit that the theayter
+crickets is smart fellers and knows all about the rules and regulations
+for writing plays, y'understand, so that they can tell at a glance
+during the first performance if the audience is laughing in violation of
+what is considered good play construction or crying because the show is
+sad in a spot where a play shouldn't ought to be sad if the man who
+wrote it had known his business, y'understand, still at the same time
+theayter crickets is to me in the same class with these here diet
+experts. Take a dinner which one of them diet experts approves of, Abe,
+and the food is O.K., the kitchen is clean, the cooking is just right as
+to time and temperature of the oven, there's the proper proportions of
+water and solids, and in fact it's a first-class A-number-one meal from
+the standpoint of every person which has got anything to do with it,
+excepting the feller which eats it, and the only objection _he's_ got to
+it is that it tastes rotten."
+
+"And that would be quite enough to put a restaurant out of business if
+it served only good meals according to the opinion of diet experts,
+Mawruss, because diet experts don't buy meals, Mawruss, they only
+inspect them," Abe commented.
+
+"And even if theayter crickets did pay for their tickets, Abe," Morris
+continued, "there ain't enough of them to support one of these here
+little theayters which has got such a small seating-capacity that
+neither the exits nor the kind of plays they put on has to comply with
+the fire laws, y'understand. But that ain't here or there, Abe. A
+theayter cricket is a cricket and not an appraiser, y'understand. He
+goes to a play to judge the play and not the prospective box-office
+receipts, Abe, and if on account of his knocking a play which would
+otherwise make money for the manager and do a lot of harm to the people
+which goes to the theayter, such a show is put out of business, Abe,
+then the theayter cricket has done a good job."
+
+"Sure, I know, Mawruss," Abe said. "But it's just as likely to be the
+other way about, which you take these here shows the crickets gets all
+worked up over because they are written by foreigners from Sweden,
+Mawruss, where a married woman gets to feeling that her husband, her
+home, and her children ain't exciting enough, y'understand, so she
+either elopes or commits suicide, understand me, and many a business man
+has come to breakfast without shaving himself on the day after taking
+his wife to see such a show and caught her looking at him in an awful
+peculiar way, y'understand. Then there is other shows which crickets
+thinks a whole lot of, where a young feller which couldn't get down to
+business and earn a decent living puts it all over the man who has been
+financially successful, y'understand, and plenty of young fellers which
+gets home all hours of the night and couldn't hold a job long enough to
+remember the telephone number of the firm they work for, comes away from
+the show feeling that they ain't getting a square deal from their father
+who has never done a thing to help them in all this life except to feed,
+clothe, and educate them for twenty-odd years."
+
+"Well, such plays anyhow make you think, Abe," Morris said. "Whereas,
+when you come away from one of them musical pieces, what do you have to
+show for it, Abe?"
+
+"A good night's rest, Mawruss," Abe said, "which no one never laid awake
+all night wondering if his wife or his son has got peculiar notions
+about not being appreciated from seeing this here Frank Tinney talking
+to the feller that runs the orchestra in the Winter Garden, Mawruss."
+
+"Then what is your idee of a good show, anyway?" Morris inquired.
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss, a good show is a show which you got to
+pay so much money to a speculator for a decent seat, y'understand, that
+you couldn't enjoy it after you get there," Abe concluded. "And that is
+a good show."
+
+
+
+
+XXIV
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS SOCIETY--NEW YORK, HUMAN, AND AMERICAN
+
+
+"I seen Max Feinrubin in the Subway this morning," Abe Potash said to
+his partner, Morris Perlmutter. "He broke two fingers on his left hand
+last week."
+
+"Why don't he let the shipping-clerk do up the packing-cases?" Morris
+commented.
+
+"He didn't break his hand on no packing-case," Abe said.
+
+"Well, what _did_ he break it on, then?" Morris asked.
+
+"The shipping-clerk," Abe replied, "which the feller said that this war
+is a war over property, and every nation that is in it is just as bad as
+Germany, so Feinrubin asked him did he claim that the United States was
+just as bad as Germany and he said 'Yes,' and afterward he said that
+Feinrubin would hear from him later through a lawyer."
+
+"And that is how Feinrubin broke his two fingers," Morris said.
+
+"Well, as a matter of fact, up to that point Feinrubin had only broke
+one finger, Mawruss," Abe said, "but just before the shipping-clerk went
+out of the door he said that President Wilson was an enemy to Society,
+so Feinrubin broke the other finger."
+
+"Serves Feinrubin right," Morris said. "There he was in his own
+shipping-room with hammers and screw-drivers laying around, and he has
+to break his fingers yet."
+
+"You probably would've done the same thing," Abe retorted, "if we would
+got for a shipping-clerk a Socialist who puts up such arguments."
+
+"Well, I don't know," Morris said. "A Socialist would naturally say that
+this is a war over property because it don't make no difference if it
+would be a war, an earthquake, a cyclone, or a blizzard, to a Socialist
+all such troubles is property troubles, just as to a stomach specialist
+every pain is appendicitis, so if our shipping-clerk would give me a
+line of argument like that, Abe, instead I would break my fingers on
+him, y'understand, I would simply dock him fifty cents as an argument
+that if he wants to talk socialism, he should talk it in his own time
+and not mine."
+
+"But the feller had no business to tell Feinrubin that President Wilson
+was an enemy to Society," Abe protested.
+
+"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "For that matter I am an enemy to Society,
+too."
+
+"Never mind," Abe declared. "Lots of Society fellers which never done a
+day's work in their lives has gone down to Washington to give the
+country the benefit of their experience, Mawruss, and it's surprising
+how many Society ladies is also turning right in and giving up their
+time to the Red Cross and so forth."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But there is lots of them which don't,
+Abe, and you take it on a cold Sunday in February when the
+superintendent of the apartment-house where you live is keeping the
+temperature of your flat below sixty-eight degrees by not letting it get
+up to fifty, y'understand, and it would make a Bolshevik out of the
+president of a first national bank to see Mrs. J. Van Rensselaer-This
+and Mrs. H. Twombley-The Other on the front page of the illustrated
+Sunday supplement, photographed at Pallum Beach on Lincoln's Birthday in
+practically a pair of stockings apiece, y'understand, which if them
+people want to wear clothes in Florida that if any one wore them around
+New York if they didn't get arrested they would anyhow get pneumonia,
+y'understand, that's _their_ business, Abe, but what I don't understand
+is, why should they want to advertise it?"
+
+"Well, what is the use of being in Society if you couldn't rub it in on
+people who ain't?" Abe asked.
+
+"But this is a democracy, Abe," Morris said, "so who cares if he is in
+Society or not?"
+
+"Don't fool yourself, Mawruss," Abe said. "There wouldn't be no object
+for Society ladies to advertise that they are in Society if they didn't
+know that reading such an advertisement would make a whole lot of
+people feel sore which wants to get into Society, but couldn't."
+
+"And such people calls themselves Americans?" Morris said.
+
+"They not only calls themselves Americans, but they _are_ Americans,"
+Abe said. "Which the main talking points of any one who advertises that
+they are in Society, whether they do it through publicity in the
+newspapers, by marrying or dying, y'understand, is that the bride or the
+deceased, as the case may be, was a descendant of Txvee van Rensselaer
+Ten Eyck who came in America in sixteen fifty-three and that another
+great-great-grandfather opened the first ready-to-wear-clothing factory
+on the American continent in sixteen sixty-six."
+
+"Of course, Abe, you may be right," Morris said, "but it seems to me I
+read it somewheres how a whole lot of people which is now in Society
+qualified by settling in Pittsburg along about the time Judge Gary first
+met Andrew Carnegie."
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But millionaires can get into Society on a
+cash basis, _nunc pro tunc_, as of May first, sixteen twenty, as the
+lawyers say, Mawruss, which if a lady is trying to butt into Society on
+the grounds that her great-great-grandfather, Hyman de Peyster van
+Rensselaer, _olav hasholom_, came over on the _Mayflower_ and bought all
+the land on which the town of Hockbridge, Mass., now stands from the
+Indians in sixteen sixty-six for two hundred dollars, y'understand, it
+wouldn't do her chances a bit of harm if her husband came over on the
+White Star Line, third class, just so long as he bought U.S. Steel when
+it was down to thirty and a quarter in nineteen five and held on to it
+till it touched one hundred and twenty, y'understand."
+
+"Then what used to was the 'four hundred' must have added a whole lot of
+ciphers to it in the last few years, Abe," Morris commented.
+
+"Ciphers is right," Abe said. "But that four-hundred figure is a thing
+of the past along with the population of Detroit before the invention of
+the automobile, Mawruss, and I guess, nowadays, Society must be running
+the Knights of Pythias and the Royal Arcanum pretty close on the size of
+its membership, Mawruss."
+
+"For my part, Abe," Morris said, "I would just as lieve join either of
+them societies in preference to Society. Take, for instance, these here
+Vanderbilts which they have been in Society for years already, and what
+benefit do they get from it? It isn't like as if one of them would be in
+the wholesale clothing business, for instance, and could get a friend to
+use his influence with a retailer by saying: 'Mr. Goldman, this is my
+friend, Mr. Vanderbilt. Him and me was in Society for years, already,
+and anything in his line you could use would be a personal favor to me,'
+because any connection with the clothing business, wholesale or retail,
+bars you out of Society unless the Statue of Limitations has run against
+it for at least four generations."
+
+"Still, it's a big help to be in Society for certain businesses,
+Mawruss," Abe said. "Take it in our line, Mawruss, and a feller which
+was in Society could make a fortune duplicating for the popular-price
+trade an expensive line of garments such as you would be apt to see at
+an affair which was run off by somebody 'way up in Society."
+
+"That ain't a bad idee, neither, Abe," Morris said; "and then, Abe,
+instead of people asking what is the big idee when they see a picture of
+Mrs. Yosel van Rensselaer Lydig in the illustrated Sunday supplement
+they could read on it, 'Our Leader--the Mrs. Yosel van Rensselaer Lydig
+gown; regular sizes, nine fifty; stouts, ten dollars,' which there is no
+use letting all that good publicity going to waste, Abe, so if a
+garment-manufacturer couldn't utilize it, a cigar wholesaler could vary
+his line of cigars called after actresses by naming one of them 'The
+Mrs. Yosel van Rensselaer Lydig, a mild and aromatic three-for-a-quarter
+smoke for five cents.'"
+
+"I'm afraid Society people wouldn't be willing to stand for such a thing
+even in war-times, Mawruss," Abe said.
+
+"Well, I only make the suggestion, Abe, because some states has already
+passed laws compelling everybody to find a job for the duration of the
+war, y'understand," Morris said, "and if the courts should hold that
+sitting on the sand at Pallum Beach and having a photograph taken ain't
+holding a job within the meaning of the statue in such cases made and
+provided, Abe, maybe the addition of a little advertising matter to the
+picture would be enough to keep some Society lady out of jail on the
+ground that she is working as a model for advertising pictures,
+y'understand, although, for my part, Abe, I am willing to see anybody
+who tries to get publicity as a Society person go to jail whether they
+work or not."
+
+"Why so?" Abe asked.
+
+"Because such publicity is only the start, Abe," Morris said. "It is the
+first stages of what is the trouble in Germany to-day yet. For years
+already the Society fellers of Germany, headed by the chief Society
+feller of Germany, the Kaiser, has been getting their pictures into the
+paper dressed in soldiers' uniforms till it got to be firmly fixed in
+the minds of people which wasn't Society fellers that the latest
+up-to-the-minute idee was wearing a soldier's uniform. Also, Abe, along
+with such publicity goes the idee that anything Society fellers does is
+O.K., and it is this just-watch-our-smoke advice of the German Society
+fellers to the poor German people, _nebich_, which has changed the motto
+of Germany from '_Hei-lie! Hei-lio! Hei-lie! Hei-lio! Bei uns, geht's
+immer so!_' to '_Deutschland, Deutschland ueber Alles_,' and that is
+what brought on the war, Abe."
+
+"You mean to say that when Mrs. Mosha van Rensselaer has her picture
+taken at Pallum Beach the intention is the same as when the Kaiser used
+to got printed a photograph of himself as colonel of the One Hundred and
+First Pomeranian Regiment."
+
+"Toy Pomeranian or regular size, Abe," Morris said, "it don't make no
+difference, the intention in both cases was to get publicity for the
+fact that the sitter was a leader of Society, Abe, and so far as the
+Kaiser was concerned, he soon got the idee that just as the Kaiser was
+the leader of Society of Germans, y'understand, so Germany was the
+leader of the Society of Nations, and therefore that Germany should have
+the biggest army, the biggest navy, the biggest colonies, and the
+biggest territory."
+
+"And she's going to get the biggest licking, Mawruss," Abe interrupted.
+
+"She's got it coming to her," Morris said, "and then when we've showed
+Germany that she ain't such an international Society leader like she
+thought she was, y'understand, the Germans which was rank outsiders in
+Germany Society is going to look up a lot of old illustrated Sunday
+supplements, and when the trial comes off before the Berlin County Court
+of General Sessions the district attorney is going to offer in evidence
+that well-known picture of the Kaiser and his six sons, and, without
+leaving the box, the jury will find a verdict of guilty of being German
+Society leaders in the first degree. Also, Abe, pictures will turn up of
+one of the Kaiser's hunting parties, and only the people which couldn't
+be identified on account of being at the edge of the photograph will
+escape."
+
+"But you don't think anything like that would happen to our Society
+fellers, Mawruss?" Abe said.
+
+"I think they're perfectly safe for the next hundred years or so, Abe,"
+Morris said, "but, just the same, they should take example by the
+Society leaders over in Russland, and learn to drink coffee from the
+saucer and eat with the knife while there is still time."
+
+
+
+
+XXV
+
+POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THIS HERE INCOME TAX
+
+
+"Didn't I beg you that you shouldn't give to a lawyer that claim against
+Immerglick which we had for the money we loaned him five years ago?" Abe
+Potash said to his partner, Morris Perlmutter, as he pored over form
+1040, revised January, 1918, which bore in large black letters the
+heading, "INDIVIDUAL INCOME-TAX RETURN FOR CALENDAR YEAR 1917."
+
+"Ten hundred and fifty dollars he paid us, and now I don't know should I
+stick it under A, B, C, D, E, or F."
+
+"I suppose you would rather see Immerglick get away with the whole sum
+as pay eight per cent. of it to the government," Morris commented.
+
+"I would give the government not only eight per cent., but eighteen per
+cent., Mawruss, if they would only send round their representative and
+fill out this here paper themselves, and leave me in peace," Abe said.
+"I 'ain't done nothing for a month now but write down figures on this
+rotten blank and scratch them out again, and what is going to be the
+end of it I don't know."
+
+"All the government asks of you, Abe, is to be honest," Morris said.
+
+"Sure, I know," Abe replied. "But to be honest about fixing up this here
+income-tax return, Mawruss, you've got to be a lawyer, a certified
+public accountant, a mind-reader, and one of these here handwriting
+experts who knows how to write the whole of the Constitution of the
+United States on the back of a two-cent stamp, which take, for instance,
+'N. CONTRIBUTIONS TO CHARITABLE ORGANIZATIONS, &C. (Enter below name and
+address of each organization and amount paid to each),' and while I
+'ain't given away a million dollars to charity in nineteen seventeen
+exactly, I can see where next year when somebody comes round to
+_schnoor_ from me five dollars for the Bella Hirshkind Home for Aged and
+Indignant Females in the Borough of the Bronx, City of New York,
+y'understand, he's going to get turned down on the grounds that Mr.
+McAdoo only provided three lines for all charitable contributions and
+I'm saving them up for the Red Cross, the S.P.C.A., and one orphan
+asylum with an awful short name."
+
+"Did it occur to you that you could give the Bella Hirshkind Home four
+dollars and sixty cents and leave it out of your income-tax return
+altogether?" Morris suggested.
+
+"Listen!" Abe said. "I ain't trying to invent ways of getting around
+what looks like the only good feature of this here income-tax return,
+Mawruss. If Mr. McAdoo or President Wilson or whoever it was that fixed
+up this here paper thought that the average man didn't need more as
+three lines to put down his charities in, Mawruss, who am I that I
+should set my opinion up against theirs? Am I right or wrong?"
+
+"Well, for that matter, Abe," Morris said, "if you are up against it for
+space to fill in about the Bella Hirshkind Home, how many lines did Mr.
+McAdoo leave me to write in about you and Feigenbaum?"
+
+"Me and Feigenbaum?" Abe repeated.
+
+"Sure!" Morris said. "The time you and him had the argument should it be
+pronounced Bol_shev_iki or Bolshe_vee_ki."
+
+"Well, I was right, wasn't I?" Abe demanded.
+
+"Certainly you were right," Morris replied. "But the question is, do I
+put in the fifteen-hundred-dollar order he canceled on us under
+'EXPLANATION OF LOSSES OF BUSINESS PROPERTY' or under 'J. GENERAL
+DEDUCTIONS NOT REPORTED ON PAGE THREE'?"
+
+"Put it in the same place where I would put the money which I lost from
+having got it a partner which wastes dollars' and dollars' worth of time
+on me every day by arguing about things which arguing couldn't help,"
+Abe advised. "Because with this here income-tax proposition, Mawruss, if
+you are going to waste so much time arguing about what you have lost
+that you couldn't be able to remember by April first what you made,
+y'understand, you would lose in addition a thousand dollars more and
+fifty per cent. of the amount of the tax due, and you couldn't have the
+consolation of blaming it on your partner, neither."
+
+"It seems to me, Abe," Morris commented, "that the government makes a
+big mistake limiting you to April first, because I already figured my
+income tax out six times and it comes to a hundred dollars more every
+time, which if they would only give me till, say, the first of August,
+y'understand, I might be able to figure it out a couple dozen times more
+and pay the government some real big money."
+
+"With me, Mawruss," Abe said with a sigh, "sometimes it's more and
+sometimes it's less, but it only goes to show how if a business man is
+going to have such a big difference of opinion with himself, Mawruss,
+what kind of a difference of opinion is he going to have with the
+collector of internal revenue? So I guess the only thing for me to do is
+to start all over again and this time I'll multiply the result by two,
+because if I've got to pay anything extra to the government,
+y'understand, I'd just as lieve do it without getting indicted first."
+
+"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "If they started in to indict everybody which
+is going to figure up their income tax wrong this year, Abe, the
+government would got to draft a couple of million grand-jurymen, and
+then lay off the workers on cantonments and put them to building
+jails."
+
+"And labor is scarce enough as it is, Mawruss, when you figure the
+hundreds of thousands of sitsons of this country which has been taken
+out of active business life during the past sixty days while they were
+engaged in making up their income-tax returns," Abe said.
+
+"Well, that will simplify things a whole lot next year, Abe," Morris
+declared, "particularly in the excessive-profits department, because
+owing to the time they spent in doping out what excessive profits they
+had last year, the business men of the country won't have any profits
+this year, excessive or otherwise."
+
+"I should only make enough this year to pay a certified public
+accountant for fixing up my income-tax return next year, Mawruss, and I
+shall be satisfied," Abe said, "because who could tell, maybe next year,
+Mawruss, the government wouldn't stop at wanting to know what your
+income is and how you made it, but would also insist on knowing how you
+spent it after it was made, which if business is so bad next year on
+account of the war, Mawruss, it may be that the government, finding that
+they couldn't raise enough money with an income tax and an
+excessive-profits tax, will pass a law calling for a personal-extravagance
+tax."
+
+"They could get a lot of revenue that way," Morris admitted.
+
+"Yes, and they could get it coming and going," Abe said. "Take, for
+instance, the hotel and restaurant hat-check business, which I seen it
+in the papers that a partnership of hat-checkers got into a dissolution
+lawsuit the other day, and it come out that they made a quarter of a
+million dollars profit in less than five years, y'understand. Now in a
+case like that, Mawruss, the government couldn't tax them robbers an
+additional eight per cent., because hat-checking ain't a profession
+under 'A. INCOME FROM PROFESSIONS,' any more than burglary is. Neither
+could the government soak them highwaymen for an excessive-profits tax,
+because hat-checking ain't a business with an invested capital, not
+unless you count as capital, _Chutzpah_, gall and a nerve like a
+rhinoceros. So the only way the government could collect on tips to
+hat-checkers would be to tax the tipper fifty per cent. and put it up to
+the hat-checker to collect it at the source from the feller who is
+foolish enough to give up his money that way."
+
+"Sure, I know," Morris said. "But that wouldn't be a
+personal-extravagance tax, Abe. That's what I would call a tax on
+personal cowardice. It's the kind of a tax the government could soak a
+feller which 'ain't got enough backbone to say 'No' when a head waiter
+suggests celery and olives at seventy-five cents a throw."
+
+"Whatever it is, I'm in favor of it, Mawruss," Abe said. "Also it should
+ought to be collected from the feller who lets the barber get away with
+ten cents extra for a teaspoonful of hair tonic, and as for face
+massages, there should be a flat rate of five dollars for each
+offense."
+
+"_Aber_ don't you think that a face massage is its own punishment, Abe?"
+Morris asked.
+
+"So is attempting suicide," Abe said. "But people go to jail for it,
+Mawruss."
+
+"Well, anyhow, before the government goes to work and taxes people for
+that part of their income which they spend foolishly, Abe," Morris said,
+"they should get busy under the present income-tax law and prevent
+anybody from getting away with anything under 'J. GENERAL DEDUCTIONS' by
+claiming a drawback or bad debts arising out of personal loans, which
+the government is losing thousands and thousands of dollars on many a
+week-kneed business man who knew when he loaned the money to his wife's
+relations that he would never even have the nerve enough to ask them to
+renew their notes even. Then there is other business men which has got a
+lot of customers on their books who couldn't get credit except by paying
+such a high price for their goods that if they bust up there would still
+be a profit, even if they settled for thirty cents on the dollar, and
+when them business men start to make up their income-tax returns they
+don't hesitate for a moment to charge off the balance under 'B. BAD
+DEBTS ARISING FROM SALES (See instructions).'"
+
+"I suppose such business men clears their consciences with the thought
+that if they had lost the money legitimately playing pinochle, Mawruss,
+the government wouldn't let them deduct a cent," Abe suggested. "And in
+a way, Mawruss, they are right, because while you couldn't charge off
+pinochle losses, I understand Mr. McAdoo holds that you've got to pay
+income tax on pinochle profits."
+
+"That only goes to show how much Mr. McAdoo knows about pinochle, Abe,"
+Morris said, "because unless, _Gott soll huten_, a feller should drop
+dead immediately after he cashes in his chips, y'understand, money which
+you win at pinochle ain't an asset, Abe, it's a loan, and sooner or
+later you are going to pay it back with interest."
+
+"_You_ argue with Mr. McAdoo!" Abe advised him. "Why, as I understand
+it, if you are having the game up at your own house, Mawruss, and you
+happen to draw out ahead you ain't even allowed to deduct nothing for
+electric light and the delicatessen supper, so strict the government
+is."
+
+"But do you mean to say that if you have a regular Saturday-night
+pinochle game and you make a few dollars one Saturday night and drop it
+the next and so forth, Abe, that the government wouldn't allow you to
+deduct your losings from your winnings?" Morris asked.
+
+"That's the idee," Abe said. "When you cash in at the end of each game,
+Mawruss, that constitutes a separate transaction under 'H. OTHER INCOME
+(including income from partnerships, fiduciaries, except that reported
+under E, F, and G),' and you don't get no allowances for nothing."
+
+"Well, that settles it," Morris said. "For the fiscal year January
+first, nineteen eighteen, to December thirty-first, nineteen eighteen, I
+play pinochle two-handed with my wife, Abe, and then I've always got
+the come-back that I answered 'No' to question eight, 'Did your wife (or
+husband) or dependent children derive income from sources independent of
+your own?'"
+
+"I don't think that Mr. McAdoo would hold that you've got to report
+money which you win from your wife," Abe said.
+
+"Why not?" Morris asked.
+
+"Because Mr. McAdoo is a married man himself, Mawruss, and he knows that
+such moneys ain't income," Abe concluded. "They're paper profits, and
+you never collect on them."
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Worrying Won't Win, by Montague Glass
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