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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The History and Records of the Elephant Club,
+by Knight Russ Ockside and Q. K. Philander Doesticks, Illustrated by John
+McLenan
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The History and Records of the Elephant Club
+
+
+Author: Knight Russ Ockside and Q. K. Philander Doesticks
+
+
+
+Release Date: May 7, 2010  [eBook #32274]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY AND RECORDS OF THE
+ELEPHANT CLUB***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Bryan Ness, Graeme Mackreth, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from scanned
+images of public domain material generously made available by the Google
+Books Library Project (http://books.google.com/)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 32274-h.htm or 32274-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32274/32274-h/32274-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32274/32274-h.zip)
+
+
+      Images of the original pages are available through
+      the the Google Books Library Project. See
+      http://books.google.com/books?vid=Oz3E2uZqCbUC&id
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+HISTORY AND RECORDS
+OF THE
+ELEPHANT CLUB.
+
+With
+ILLUSTRATIONS BY
+John McLenan
+NEW YORK
+LIVERMORE & RUDD.]
+
+
+The
+HISTORY AND RECORDS
+OF THE
+ELEPHANT CLUB;
+COMPILED FROM AUTHENTIC DOCUMENTS
+NOW IN POSSESSION OF THE
+Zoölogical Society.
+
+BY
+Knight Russ Ockside, M.D.,
+AND
+Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+New York:
+Livermore & Rudd, Publishers,
+310 Broadway,
+1857.
+
+Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1836, by
+Livermore & Rudd,
+In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the
+Southern District of New York.
+
+W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper.
+
+Geo. Russell & Co., Printers,
+61 Beekman-Street, N.Y.
+
+
+
+
+THIS IS THE VERITABLE AND VERACIOUS HISTORY OF THE DOINGS
+AND MISDOINGS OF THE MEMBERS OF
+
+THE ELEPHANT CLUB.
+
+WITH A MINUTE AND PARTICULAR NARRATIVE OF WHAT THEY DID;
+TO WHICH IS ADDED A COMPLEX AND ELABORATE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT THEY DIDN'T.
+
+CONTAINING ALSO THE EXULTANT RECORD OF THEIR
+MEMORABLE SUCCESS IN EVENTUALLY OBTAINING, EACH AND EVERY
+ONE, A SIGHT OF THE ENTIRE AND UNADULTERATED
+
+ANIMAL,
+
+FROM THE PRIMITIVE HAIR ON HIS ATTENUATED PROBOSCIS, TO THE
+LAST KINK OF HIS SYMMETRICAL TAIL.
+
+
+COMPILED
+BY ME,
+KNIGHT RUSS OCKSIDE, M.D.,
+AND ME,
+Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+This book has been written by the Authors, and printed by the
+Publishers, in the hope that it may be purchased by the Public. If it
+proves to be a failure, the responsibility must rest with the People who
+don't buy it.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+HOW THEY MET.
+                                                                       PAGE
+
+What there wasn't--What there was--A fancied recognition--Singular
+coincidences--Preamble and resolution--A third party--A fourth
+party--Accusation of petty larceny--Satisfactory explanation--Spirits
+in the closet--A mysterious letter--Alarm of Boggs--More mystery--A
+murder anticipated--The reason why--A perplexing predicament--A
+philanthropist discovered--A general embrace--An astonishing
+statement                                                               11
+
+
+HOW THE CLUB ORGANIZED.
+
+The second meeting--A learned dissertation--A document--Rules--Preliminary
+speeches and criticisms--Order of business--An election--Congratulations
+--The dinner                                                            35
+
+
+THE ELEPHANTINE DEN.
+
+Its location--The furniture and its arrangements--A sentinel
+elected--Punishment for intrusion--Resolutions adopted                  47
+
+
+FIRST DISCOVERIES OF THE CLUB.
+
+A new character--A glimpse at the animal--A tall talker--A
+proposal--Discovery of a group of street-statuary--A pistol-gallery
+--Bowling-alley--The oriental elephant--Novel pipes--Oriental
+experience--A member frightened--A new character--Playing
+Turk--Ceremony of initiation--Art in conchology--Astonishment of
+Johnny Cake--Engine No. 32-1/4.--The rope breaks--Hose 24-3/8--The
+race--Mixed-up spectacle--A general row after the fight--The Club
+resolved                                                                55
+
+
+FIRST EVENING WITH THE CLUB.
+
+Preliminary proceedings--Bobington Thomas confesses his profession--Thomas
+and his dogs--New York dog-pound--Thomas accepts silver--Mr.
+James George Boggs--Johnny Cake's railroad experience--A malignant
+conductor--A passenger sings--A second passenger wakes and joins in
+the chorus--Song interrupted by an accident--Results of the accident--Train
+in motion--The song finished--Johnny Cake's abstinence--First
+experience in Gotham--Curious coincident--Wagstaff's note book--The
+elephant seen--Members initiated                                        83
+
+
+THE COLORED CAMP MEETING.
+
+A dense smoke--Resolutions, preparations--The journey--Queer specimens
+of Religion--Corn whisky--Effects of a hymn--Return to Gotham          132
+
+
+FURTHER DISCOVERIES.
+
+Order enforced--Boggs practises the art of self-defence--Successful fight
+with the stove--Unsuccessful fight with the nigger--Quackenbush keeps late
+hours--Deacon Pettingill on a bender--Is taken to a gambling-house--Loans
+and loses ten dollars--Persecution of a corner grocery-man--A
+gunpowder plot--More of the Dutchman's troubles--Cousin Betsy--Love,
+pride and poverty--Mr. Buxton and the nigger--Shanghae coat--A gratuitous
+baptism--Conflict between Buxton and the darkey                        146
+
+
+THE CLUB IN AN UPROAR.
+
+South-ferry stages--Beginning of mishaps--The military--The Lager Bier
+Invincibles--The fat gentleman--Old maid faints--Battle of Broadway--An
+Irish funeral procession--One cent short--The journey's end--Overdale's
+juggling--Johnny Cake drunk--An examination of Johnny's companion--How
+he lived                                                               188
+
+
+JOHNNY CAKE'S FIRST SPREE.
+
+Johnny's fall--He goes into the Bowery--An artistic barkeeper--The fly--A
+Kansas official--Johnny Cake's delusion--A Chatham street auction--Johnny's
+sensation--The gift enterprise--Dropper's dream and hopes of
+success--The realization--Who didn't win                               212
+
+
+THE POLICE COURTS.
+
+Visit to Essex Market--Peculiarities of Edward Bobber--Palmerston hook
+the eel-catcher--The poet in Limbo--Warbles moralises--A German
+witness--The oath--Disturbed by cats--Mysterious caterwaulings--The mystery
+explained--Bad liquor--A Tombs lawyer--His retainer--An Irish
+wake--An eccentric corpse--A free fight--The corpse in court--The case
+concluded--Timothy Mulrooney--Michael's virtues--Timothy's cat--Mr.
+Blobb--A knowing officer--Old Dog Tray--Blobb discharged--Quackenbush
+confesses--Quackenbush forgiven                                        231
+
+
+THE HAMLET NIGHT.
+
+Attempt to swindle the darling public--The ghost--A small Hamlet and
+large Queen--The ghost in an overcoat--The death scene--Overdale's
+ideas--An unappreciative boy--Inconsistencies--Clockwork legs--A
+complicated case                                                       289
+
+
+MRS. THROUGHBY DAYLIGHT'S FANCY DRESS JAM.
+
+A complicated case--Mr. Spout's offer--Dropper bewildered--Spout expatiates
+upon the genius of Brown--The Turk and Choctaw--The fancy dress jam--The
+Elephants at the fancy dress jam--The result                           304
+
+
+CONCLUSION.
+
+The club in danger--Resolutions--The records of the club--Their
+compilation--The last of the Elephant Club                             318
+
+
+
+
+HISTORY AND RECORDS.
+
+HOW THEY MET.
+
+[Enter with a Flourish of Trumpets.]
+
+SHAKESPEARE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE were _no_ two horses to be seen winding along the base of a
+precipitous hill; and there were _no_ dark-looking riders on those
+horses which were not to be seen; and it _wasn't_ at the close of a
+dusky autumn evening; and the setting sun _didn't_ gild, with his
+departing rays, the steep summit of the mountain tops; and the gloomy
+cry of the owl was _not_ to be heard from the depths of a neighboring
+forest--first, because there _wasn't_ any neighboring forest, and,
+second, because the owl was in better business, having, some hours
+before, gone to bed, it now being broad daylight. The mountain tops, the
+lofty summits, the inaccessible precipices, the precipitous descents,
+the descending inaccessibilities, and the usual quantity of
+insurmountable landscape, which forms the stereotyped opening to popular
+romances, is here omitted by particular request.
+
+The time and place to which the unfortunate reader's attention is
+particularly called, are four o'clock of a melting afternoon in August,
+and a labyrinth of bricks and mortar, yclept Gotham. The majority of the
+inhabitants of the aforesaid place, at the identical time herein
+referred to, were perspiring; others were sweltering; still others were
+melting down into their boots, and the remainder were dying from
+sun-stroke.
+
+At this time, a young gentleman seated himself behind the front window
+of the reading and smoking-room of the Shanghae Hotel, in Broadway. The
+chair he occupied was capacious, and had been contrived originally, by
+ingenious mechanics, for the purpose of inducing laziness. The gentleman
+had taken possession of this article of furniture for the double purpose
+of resting himself from the fatigues of a month's inactivity, and also
+securing a position where he could see the ladies pass and repass, in
+hopes that the sight might dispel the dull monotony of a hotel life in
+the city, during summer. On this occasion, to secure additional ease,
+the individual had adopted the American attitude of raising his feet to
+a level with his head, by placing them upon a cast-iron fender behind
+the window--an attitude, by the way, not particularly characterized by
+its classic grace.
+
+There was nothing remarkable in the dress of the person to whom we have
+alluded. He was evidently a victim to the popular insanity of conforming
+to fashion. So strictly were his garments cut and made in accordance
+with the prevailing style, no one could doubt for a moment that the
+taste, or want of taste, manifested in his dress, was not his own, but
+the tailor's. In his hand he held a small cane, with which he amused
+himself, first, by biting the ivory head, then by making it turn
+summer-saults through the fingers of his right hand, after the manner
+in which Hibernians are supposed to exercise their shillelahs.
+
+Whether the activity in the streets, the appearance of the ladies with
+every variety of dress, or the gymnastic eccentricities of his cane,
+were particularly entertaining, is very questionable; certain it is,
+that the expression of his eyes showed gradually less and less of
+animation. By degrees his eyelids closed. His head soon vibrated with an
+irregular motion, until it found a support against the back of the
+chair. His hat fell from his head, and his cane dropped from his
+fingers. His muscles became fully relaxed. He was, undeniably, asleep.
+
+He had been sleeping nearly a half hour, when an individual, who was
+walking leisurely down Broadway, casually glanced in the window of the
+Shanghae, where our first person singular was sleeping, with more
+seeming comfort than real elegance of position. He seemed struck with
+the appearance of the sleeper, and pausing for a brief time to survey
+his form, contorted, as it was, into all sorts of geometrical
+irregularities, curves, angles, and indescribable shapes, he entered the
+hotel, passed around into the room where the sleeper was, and did not
+stop until at his side. He again stood for a moment, silently
+contemplating the form and features of the sleep-bound stranger.
+
+The second person was also singular. He was, apparently, about
+twenty-five years of age, with a full, florid, and expressive face. His
+body was quite rotund, even to corpulency; and, save a heavy moustache,
+his face was closely shaven. His clothes were of the thinnest material,
+and well adapted to secure comfort during the hot season. His
+expression, as he stood watching the first person singular, seemed full
+of doubt. At last, as if determined to remain in doubt no longer, he
+touched the somnolent first person lightly on the shoulder. First person
+singular opened his eyes with a spasmodic start, stared wildly about him
+for a moment, until his eyes rested upon the disturber of his slumbers.
+
+"Excuse me, sir," said second person singular, "but an irresistible
+impulse led me to awaken you. The fact is, sir, a few years since, I had
+an intimate friend who was lost at sea, and such is the resemblance you
+bear to him, the thought struck me that you might be he. Were you ever
+lost at sea, sir?"
+
+First person singular looked with some little astonishment upon his
+interrogator. He wiped the perspiration from his forehead, assumed an
+erect position in his chair, and replied:
+
+"I don't think I ever was."
+
+"It may have been your brother," said second person singular.
+
+"It couldn't have been, for I never had a brother. By the way, I did
+have an uncle who, on one occasion, when hunting in Illinois, some
+fifteen years since, was lost on a prairie. Perhaps it's that
+circumstance to which you refer?"
+
+"No, it was at sea. I'm sorry, sir, that I disturbed your sleep."
+
+"You needn't be," was the reply, "for I went to sleep without intending
+to do so."
+
+"Do you ever imbibe?" was the next interrogation.
+
+First person singular said he was guilty of no small vices, though he
+didn't care if he did take a brandy smash. The parties then adjourned to
+the inner temple of the Shanghae. Second person singular ordered the
+smash for his companion, and a sherry cobbler (so called from its
+supposed potency in patching up the human frame, when it is about
+falling to pieces under the influence of weather of a high temperature)
+for himself. A succession of singular coincidences followed. Each party
+suggested at the same moment, that it was confoundedly hot in the sun.
+Both simultaneously imbibed. Each said he felt better after it, and each
+undoubtedly told the truth. Both arose at the same instant, inquired who
+the other was, whereupon two autobiographies were extemporized in brief.
+They disclosed the following facts. First person singular's name was
+Myndert Van Dam; he was a descendent of one of the Dutch families who
+originally colonized Manhattan Island. He had been three years absent in
+Europe, and on returning a few weeks before, found most of his
+acquaintances had left the city on account of the hot weather, and his
+experience had been one of uninterrupted dullness. Second person
+singular rejoiced in the appellation of John Spout. His genealogy was
+obscure, but so far as he could learn, he was descended in a direct line
+from his great grandfather on his mother's side. If his ancestry had
+ever done anything which would entitle their names to a place in
+history, it was very certain that historians had failed to do their
+duty: for he had never found the name of Spout recorded in connection
+with great deeds, from the robbing of a hen roost down to cowhiding a
+Congressman. He was by profession an apothecary, and was laying off for
+a few weeks' relaxation. Mr. Spout concluded his personal narrative by
+suggesting the following proposition:
+
+_Whereas_, We have demolished a smash, and annihilated a cobler;
+
+_Resolved_, That we now proceed to devastate a couple of segars.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. Spout adopted the resolution unanimously, and by a further singular
+coincidence, they lighted their segars, and left the place for a
+promenade. A brisk rain beginning to fall, they sheltered themselves
+under an awning. A pair of gold spectacles containing a tall, sharp
+featured man, adorned with an unshaven face and a brigandish hat,
+approached them, and asked Mr. Spout for a light. Mr. Spout acquiesced.
+The party in attempting to return the cigar, accidentally touched the
+lighted end to Mr. Spout's hand, and not only burned his hand slightly,
+but knocked the cigar out of the fingers of third party; whereupon, Mr.
+Spout extemporized a moderate swear. Third party apologized, and offered
+a cigar to Spout and Van Dam from his own cigar-case, which they
+accepted; and he hoped that in their future acquaintance, should they
+feel disposed to continue it, he would not again involuntarily burn
+their fingers. He announced himself to be Mr. Remington Dropper, a two
+years' importation from Cincinnati, and a book-keeper in the heavy
+hardware house of Steel, Banger & Co., down town.
+
+"Mr. Dropper," said Spout, "I am happy to have made your acquaintance.
+My name is Spout--John Spout--chemist and apothecary, with Pound &
+Mixem, No. 34, opposite the whisky-shop. Allow me to make you acquainted
+with my old and valued friend Mr.---- Mr.---- what the devil did you say
+your name is?" said he, addressing Van Dam, aside.
+
+"Myndert Van Dam," suggested the gentleman speaking for himself.
+
+"Yes," resumed Spout, "Myndert Van Dam."
+
+As they shook hands, Mr. Dropper's attention was called in another
+direction. He desired his companions to notice the fact that a man was
+approaching with his umbrella, and having bought and lost too many
+articles of that description, he should not stand unmoved, and see the
+last one vanish from his sight.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+An individual of small stature, apparently about forty-five years of
+age, with hair of an undeniable, though not an undyeable red approached,
+holding over his head a silk umbrella.
+
+Mr. Dropper stepped forward and confronted him. He said he was aware
+that if every man were compelled to account for the possession of that
+which he claimed as his own, the world would hear some rich
+developments, in a moral point of view, respecting the tenure of
+property; and it was precisely for this reason that he had stopped him
+in the street. He inquired of fat party with the silk umbrella, if he
+saw the point of his remark. Fat party confessed his inability to
+comprehend its intent. Mr. Dropper then proceeded to state that when he
+called fat party's attention to the subject of titles to property in
+general, he did suppose that fat party would be led to ask himself
+whether he had a legal and equitable title to the umbrella in particular
+which he was then under. Fat party fancied that he _did_ perceive a
+lurking innuendo that he had stolen somebody's umbrella. Mr. Dropper was
+gratified to discover fat party's readiness of comprehension; at his
+request fat party brought down the umbrella, which discovered the
+following words painted conspicuously on the cloth outside:
+
+"STOLEN FROM R. DROPPER."
+
+Mr. Dropper insisted that there was the evidence, "R. Dropper," meaning
+Remington Dropper--Remington Dropper being himself--"Stolen from R.
+Dropper," by whom?--He would not assert positively that fat party was a
+hall-thief, but he would say and he did say, that his umbrella was found
+in fat party's possession, without his permission. Some old
+stick-in-the-mud had said somewhere, to somebody, sometime, that an
+honest confession was good for the soul, and if fat party would
+acknowledge the unbuilt whisky, he wouldn't appear against him on his
+trial for petty larceny. Fat party repudiated the idea that he was a
+thief. As far as Mr. Dropper's recollection assisted him he had always
+noticed that the biggest rascals protested their innocence the most
+emphatically. Fat party appealed to Mr. Dropper's magnanimity to hear
+his explanation, which Mr. Dropper consented to do.
+
+The explanation developed the fact that fat party was Mr. James George
+Boggs, late of the Department of the Interior, at Washington, who had
+arrived that afternoon in the city with his sister, Mrs. Banger, wife of
+Mr. Banger, of the firm of Steel, Banger & Co., who, it is already
+stated, were Mr. Dropper's employers. They went directly to Mr. Banger's
+counting-room, and whilst there it commenced to rain; Mr. Banger offered
+Mr. Boggs Dropper's umbrella to walk up with, Boggs accepted it, and on
+his way up had been stopped on suspicion of theft.
+
+Dropper made a humiliating apology, swore eternal friendship to Boggs,
+introduced him to Van Dam and Spout, and invited the party to his room
+to spoil a snifter from his private bottle. They accepted the invitation
+with commendable alacrity, and soon arrived at Mr. Dropper's cozy
+apartment, which was situated on one of the streets intersecting
+Broadway. At Mr. Dropper's request, they seated themselves in a circle
+around the table, with the view of calling up the spirits, but whether
+saintly or satanic, the compilers of these records do not venture an
+opinion. After sitting three minutes and twenty seconds in solemn
+silence, it was discovered that Dropper was a medium, as he was enabled
+to bring up the spirits in tangible and unmistaken shape from his
+closet, and forthwith communications of a very satisfactory character
+were made to the circle. Indeed, the opinion was very generally
+expressed, that the spirits were genuine spirits, and the medium an
+excellent test medium, through which they should delight, in future, to
+have further communications.
+
+As they finished their wine a knock was heard at the door. Dropper
+responded with a "Come in." An Irish servant put her head within the
+apartment:
+
+"Plase, sir," said she, "I have a caird here that a gintleman at the
+door towld me to give to the red-headed gintleman as just come in."
+
+Dropper viewed the card, and the four looked at each other for a moment,
+apparently with a view of discovering who it was that answered the
+description of a "red-headed gintleman." At last, Boggs spoke.
+
+"I think it must be me," said he, receiving the card from Dropper, and
+reading aloud, from the back of it, as follows:
+
+   "Sir, an old acquaintance desires to see you for a moment, in
+   relation to a matter involving your own interest."
+
+"Show him up," said Dropper, "it will only make one more--that is, if
+Boggs is agreed."
+
+Mr. Boggs had no objections to such course being taken, though he was
+deeply puzzled to know who the old acquaintance could be.
+
+In a moment, the servant introduced into the room a tall, spare
+individual, of about thirty-two years of age. He was ordinarily attired,
+and, though not seedy, his garments were by no means new. His face was
+closely shaven, and surrounded by a large standing collar. He looked
+around the room upon the different parties present, until his eyes
+rested upon Boggs. He then ventured to speak.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Gentlemen," said he, "excuse this interruption. The fact is, I have
+been seeking this gentleman for nearly three years past, and observing
+him in company with you, I could not forbear following to seek a brief
+interview."
+
+Boggs turned pale. Visions of cowhides and pistols came before his mind.
+
+"You are perfectly excusable," said Dropper. "We will leave the room, if
+you desire."
+
+"N-n-not for all the world," ejaculated Boggs, hastily. "I have not the
+slightest objection to your remaining."
+
+"Nor I," said the tall gentleman. "Your name," continued he, addressing
+Boggs, "is Johnson, I believe."
+
+Nothing could have relieved Boggs from the suspense under which he was
+laboring more than this last remark. The gentleman had evidently
+mistaken him for one Johnson, who had, probably, insulted or injured the
+tall individual, on some previous occasion. The blush again returned to
+Boggs' cheeks.
+
+"You are mistaken," said he, at last. "My name is Boggs."
+
+"Boggs--so it is," said the tall stranger. "My bad memory often leads me
+into errors. But the mistake is very natural--Johnson sounds so much
+like Boggs; but, whether Johnson or Boggs, you are the individual whom I
+seek."
+
+This announcement caused Boggs's courage to again descend into his
+boots.
+
+"It is three years since I have seen you," said the tall individual.
+"During that length of time, a person would be likely to forget a name.
+But your person, sir, that I could never, never forget," continued the
+tall man, solemnly, and throwing in a little melo-dramatic action, as
+he spoke, which made Boggs shudder.
+
+"C-c-certainly," said Boggs.
+
+"Mr. Boggs," said the stranger, "you probably don't recollect me."
+
+"C-can't say that I do," stammered Boggs.
+
+"That need make no difference," said the stranger, mysteriously. "I know
+you."
+
+The stranger then commenced feeling in his coat pockets with his hands.
+
+Boggs sprang to his feet, observing this movement, fully satisfied that
+the stranger was seeking his revolver or bowie-knife.
+
+"Sir," said Boggs, hurriedly, "if I have ever unconsciously done you an
+injury, I am ready to apologize. I can see no good reason why this
+apartment should be made the scene of a sanguinary conflict."
+
+"Sanguinary conflict--apology"--said the other, somewhat astonished. "My
+dear sir, the apology is due to you."
+
+Boggs's equanimity was once more restored. "You don't know how happy I
+am to hear you say so," said he. "Could you make it convenient to
+apologize at once, to fully relieve my mind of the frightful
+anticipations?"
+
+"With the greatest pleasure in the world, Mr. Boggs," said the stranger.
+"I apologize."
+
+"And I cheerfully forgive you," said Boggs.
+
+"Then you recollect the circumstance, do you?" asked the stranger.
+
+"Hang me if I do," said Boggs.
+
+"Then you forgive me in anticipation."
+
+"Certainly," replied Boggs. "But what the devil were you feeling in your
+pockets for so mysteriously?"
+
+"My _porte-monnaie_," replied the stranger, who at length succeeded in
+finding the object of his search. He took from it a gold dollar, two
+dimes and a cent, and placed them on the table before Boggs. "There,"
+said he, "is the sum of one dollar and twenty-one cents, United States
+currency, which amount is justly your due."
+
+"What the deuce does all this mean?" asked Boggs, in his bewilderment;
+"for between being waylaid in the street, accused of petty larceny,
+anticipations of being murdered, receiving apologies for unknown
+injuries, and the proffer of money from a total stranger, I hardly know
+whether I am standing on my heels or my head."
+
+The mysterious stranger then proceeded to make his explanation.
+
+"About three years ago," said he, "I invited a lady friend to the
+theatre. She signified her intention to accept the invitation. In the
+evening I called for her, attired in my best, and found her seated in
+the parlor attired in _her_ best. We arrived at the theatre. I had taken
+with me only a small sum of money--amounting in the aggregate to one
+dollar and thirty-seven and a half cents. I took the dollar from my
+pocket, and passed it to the ticket-seller, who took occasion to pass it
+to me again immediately, and putting his physiognomy before the seven by
+nine aperture through which the money goes in and the pasteboard comes
+out, he announced to me, in effect, that the bank note aforesaid, of the
+denomination of one dollar, was a base imitation. This was a perplexing
+position. Had I been the fortunate possessor of another dollar on the
+spot, I should not have been troubled. The lady's acquaintance I had but
+recently formed. My pride would not permit me to announce to her my true
+financial condition at that moment. Between pride and a hurried
+contemplation of the prospective frightful results of my monetary
+deficiency, I was completely bewildered. I stammered out something about
+having nothing with me except two or three shillings and a fifty dollar
+bill--the first of which, gentlemen, existed in the innermost recesses
+of my vest pocket, and the last in my imagination. I was wondering what
+the devil I should do next, when a gentleman with red hair addressed me.
+"Good evening, sir," said he, touching his hat, "did you say you have
+difficulty in getting a bill changed?" Without waiting for me to speak
+he said, "here's a dollar; you can return it to me to-morrow, when you
+call at my office to transact that matter of which we were speaking
+yesterday. Good evening." I looked in my hand, and found in it two half
+dollars and a card, upon which I perceived a name and address written. I
+was more bewildered than ever, owing to the unexpected deliverance, from
+what a moment before, I had believed to be an inextricable difficulty. I
+thought that heaven had deputed some red-haired angel to come to my
+relief. Then I doubted whether it was not a dream; but the weight of the
+two half dollars satisfied me that the whole thing was a tangible
+reality. The difficulty was dissipated, the funds were provided, and the
+necessary tickets purchased. Next morning I resolved to visit my
+deliverer, and give him my heartfelt thanks and a dollar. As I was about
+to leave on my joyful errand, I felt in my pocket for the card; it was
+gone. I was horror-stricken. I searched everywhere, but could not find
+it. I tried then to recall to my mind the name; but having read it under
+considerable excitement, it had not impressed itself upon my memory. I
+went to the theatre, in hopes to find it there, but in vain. For three
+months, gentlemen, all my spare time was employed in perambulating
+Broadway, and standing at the entrance of the theatre, in hopes of
+meeting my deliverer. Many are the short and red-haired gentlemen whom I
+have vainly pursued. A half hour since, as I was riding down Broadway in
+a stage, I saw my deliverer turning the corner of this street, in
+company with three other gentlemen. I stopped the stage, gave the driver
+a quarter, and without waiting to receive the change, I made a rush for
+the stage door, stepped on the silk skirt of a lady passenger, kicked a
+fat gentleman on the shins, knocked a baby out of an Irishwoman's lap,
+fell, and struck my head against the door, tumbled out, slipped on the
+Russ pavement, excited the mirth of the passengers and pedestrians, got
+up, and reached the corner just in time to see the party whom I followed
+enter this house. I rushed on, and after some little inquiry, succeeded
+in attaining this apartment. Gentlemen, Boggs was my deliverer."
+
+"Hurrah for Boggs," shouted Dropper.
+
+"Boggs, you're a philanthropist," said Spout.
+
+"_Vive le Boggs_," said Van Dam.
+
+"Gentlemen," said Boggs, "I protest against your unwarranted
+compliments. My dear sir," said he, addressing the stranger, "you only
+borrowed a dollar of me, whereas, I perceive you have given me one
+dollar and twenty-one cents."
+
+"Three years interest, at seven per cent," suggested the stranger,
+"Legally your due, and I insist upon your accepting interest as well as
+principal."
+
+Boggs, without further objection pocketed the proffered amount.
+
+"Your case," said Spout, to the stranger; "is one of morbid
+concientiousness; so much so that I feel desirous of knowing you
+better."
+
+"My name, gentlemen," said the stranger, "is Dusenbury Quackenbush."
+
+A general rush was made toward the stranger. Van Dam seized one hand,
+Boggs the other; Spout caught him by the arm, whilst Dropper, who was
+the last to reach him, threw his long arms around the whole party. For a
+moment there was general commotion, growing out of a fierce shaking of
+hands and arms. Each person loudly assured Mr. Quackenbush of the
+happiness he felt in having formed his acquaintance. As soon as they had
+relieved him from their affectionate welcomings Mr. Quackenbush spoke.
+
+"I am certainly happy to become acquainted with you, gentlemen,"
+remarked he, "but really I am fearful I shall not be a very interesting
+acquaintance in a _coterie_ of old friends, as you appear to be, and
+without doubt are."
+
+"Yes, we are old friends," said Spout, "our friendship is as enduring as
+the gullibility of the public, and I might add as ancient
+as--as--gentlemen excuse me if I fail in this point to institute an
+appropriate comparison. As an astonisher, however, I will inform you of
+a fact known only to Mr. Van Dam and myself; and which is, that, two
+hours since, not one of the gentlemen of this quintet had ever known
+another of it; if I except the case of Mr. Boggs and Mr. Quackenbush."
+
+"Mr. Quackenbush," inquired Spout, "allow me to ask whether you are
+acquainted with life in the metropolis in its multiform phases?"
+
+"I confess my ignorance," was the reply. "It is most unfortunate that
+the position of a teacher in a public school is one not calculated to
+bring an individual in contact with much that is interesting."
+
+"Taking that fact into consideration," said Spout, "I propose, that you
+all meet me at my room, two evenings hence, when I shall be prepared to
+unfold to you a purpose and a plan, which I have just conceived. My
+room, gentlemen, is over old Shavem's, the brokers, three doors from the
+corner. The number would be 461-1/2, if there were any on the door. You
+can't mistake the place, however; there is an antiquated pump in front,
+and when I'm at home there is a Spout inside."
+
+"Oh--h!" groaned Dropper.
+
+"Never mind," resumed Spout, "I don't often attempt such things. Can I
+depend upon your coming?"
+
+All gave an affirmative response.
+
+"Then," said Spout, "you can depend upon my going, I pronounce this
+meeting adjourned."
+
+After a few words the parties separated.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+HOW THE CLUB ORGANIZED.
+
+Put out the light, and then put.--SHAKSPEARE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE evening arrived on which the gentlemen, named in the last chapter,
+were to meet in the room of Mr. John Spout.
+
+Mr. Spout was there, awaiting the arrival of his friends. He was seated
+at the end of a table, in a large easy-chair, in his dressing-gown.
+Before him, on the table, were several written papers. The apartment was
+one of moderate dimensions, neatly carpeted, and, with plenty of
+furniture, unobjectionable in quality and taste. On the walls were
+suspended various pictures, engravings, fencing-foils, and masks,
+boxing-gloves, antique models, Indian ornaments, plaster casts of legs,
+arms, hands, feet, &c. On either side of the table were two chairs,
+placed there, evidently, in anticipation of the arrival of his friends.
+
+Several pipe-stems protruded from a pasteboard box, which was on the
+table. It required no unusual shrewdness to guess at the contents, and
+to rightly determine that it was filled with the best-abused, and, at
+the same time, best-used weed known.
+
+One by one, the other gentlemen arrived, and were ushered by the
+housekeeper into Mr. Spout's apartment. They sat, engaged in discussing
+tobacco and the events of the day. At length, Mr. Dropper inquired of
+Mr. Spout if he had as yet fully elaborated the idea which, on the
+occasion of the previous meeting, had seemed to weigh so heavily on his
+mind?
+
+"I was about to advert to the subject," said Mr. Spout. "It has engaged
+my undivided attention up to the present time, and the idea and plan
+based upon it are sufficiently perfected to satisfy myself."
+
+"Trot it out," said Boggs, "we are all attention."
+
+"The fact, gentlemen," said Spout, "that most of our number have been
+either absent from the city, or so much engaged in our different
+vocations that we have never gained, or have lost, familiarity with many
+interesting phases of life, as it exists in New York, suggested to me
+the thought of devoting some portion of our time to looking about, and
+having put our observations in writing, to interchange them for our
+mutual gratification."
+
+"A capital idea," said Mr. Dusenbury Quackenbush.
+
+"Brilliant with pleasurable results," remarked Mr. Myndert Van Dam.
+
+"Replete with rational enjoyment," suggested Mr. Remington Dropper.
+
+"I'm in," was the laconic response of Mr. James George Boggs.
+
+"Then I suppose I can count upon your coöperation in the realization of
+the idea," said Spout.
+
+A general affirmative answer being given, Mr. Spout continued.
+
+"You being unanimous," said he, "I'll now proceed to unfold my plans.
+To secure unanimity of action and entire success, it is necessary that
+we have a plan of organization. But in thinking upon this subject, I
+have foreseen that, by the adoption of any of the ordinary plans, we
+saddle ourselves with a useless machinery, which will hinder the
+successful accomplishment of the object we desire. We have no time to
+spare in discussing rules of order, the adoption of which invariably
+makes disorder the rule. Yet, there must be a head. In brief, then,
+gentlemen, I propose that the principles upon which our meetings shall
+be governed, shall be a despotic principle, but one which shall be
+compatible with the largest liberty of the governed. How do you like the
+idea?"
+
+"The idea looks paradoxical to me," said Van Dam.
+
+"Rather profound," suggested Quackenbush.
+
+"Funny," said Boggs.
+
+"I can tell better when I hear the rules," said Dropper.
+
+"I have them prepared," continued Spout. "Shall I read them to you?"
+
+"By all means," replied Van Dam.
+
+The others signified an affirmative response.
+
+Mr. Spout then proceeded to read:--
+
+We, whose signatures are hereunto affixed, do hereby organize ourselves
+into a club, having for its
+
+
+NAME,
+
+THE ELEPHANT CLUB, and having in view the following
+
+
+OBJECTS:
+
+1. The enjoyment and amusement of its members through.
+
+2. A profound study of the Metropolitan Elephant, by surveying him in
+all his majesty of proportion, by tracing him to his secret haunts, and
+observing his habits, both in his wild and domestic state.
+
+
+OFFICER.
+
+The only officer of the club shall be a Higholdboy, whose
+
+
+DUTY
+
+It shall be to sit in a big chair, at the end of the table, and to see
+that the members conform to the following
+
+
+RULES OF CONDUCT:
+
+1. In the meetings of the club, every member shall do exactly as he
+pleases.
+
+2. Each member shall speak when he pleases, what he pleases, and as long
+as he pleases.
+
+N.B.--If the remarks of any member are particularly stupid or tedious,
+the other members are under no obligations to remain and hear them.
+
+N. particular B. Should the speaker, at the conclusion of his remarks,
+find himself in the presence of only a part of his original audience,
+and some of those asleep; he is at full liberty, for his private
+satisfaction, to conclude that his eloquence, like that of the
+traditional parsons, is not only moving and soothing, as evidenced by
+the absence of some and the somnolence of others, but so satisfactory
+that those who were awake will never care to hear him again.
+
+3. No member shall be permitted to bring spirituous or fermented
+liquors, wine, beer, or cider, whether imported or domestic, into any of
+the meetings of the club, under the penalty of passing them around for
+general use; unless the member prefers to keep them to himself, from
+motives of economy--the economy in such case to be regarded as an
+offence, to be punished with a severe letting alone.
+
+4. The third rule shall apply to cigars, cheroots, and cigaretts.
+
+5. Ditto--ditto--sardines, Bologna sausages, crackers and cheese.
+
+6. Members are prohibited from sitting with their feet on the table,
+unless in that position they sit with more comfort, or they have other
+reasons satisfactory to themselves.
+
+N.B.--The Higholdboy, in consideration of his onerous duties, is
+exempted from the action of this rule.
+
+7. The Higholdboy is empowered to reprimand any member, when he
+considers it necessary to preserve the dignity of the club.
+
+N. special and particular B. In order that this rule shall not operate
+prejudicially to the sovereign rights of individuals, the members of the
+club are at liberty to treat the reprimand of the Higholdboy as a good
+joke.
+
+8. Any member who shall be absent from any meeting of the club, shall be
+liable to stand a half-dozen on the half shell for each of his
+fellow-members, unless he gives _no_ previous notice to the club, or any
+member thereof, of his prospective absence. Such notice, which he fails
+to give, to be either verbal or written, at his own option.
+
+9. These foregoing rules shall in all cases be construed strictly, they
+shall never be repealed or amended; and shall be of binding force,
+except as hereinafter provided in the
+
+
+ORDER OF BUSINESS.
+
+1. The Higholdboy shall announce the suspension of all rules for three
+months.
+
+At the conclusion, Mr. Spout, in a solemn tone, addressed the party.
+
+"Gentleman," said he, "I am aware that the rules, which I have prepared
+and submitted, are stringent in the extreme, but I think they will be
+found, on examination, to be no more so than is essential to secure that
+unanimity of action so indispensable to the accomplishment of any great
+end. Believing, then, that you fully appreciate the importance of the
+end we have in view, I trust they will meet with your approval.
+Gentlemen, I give way to others."
+
+Mr. Spout took his seat, amid manifestations of the approval of his
+associates.
+
+Mr. Boggs was the first to speak on the subject of the rules.
+
+"Gentlemen," said he, "unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, and
+overpowered as I feel at the present moment, I should do injustice to my
+own feelings, did I fail to endorse the excellence of the rules
+reported by my friend Spout, and to give my unqualified adhesion, in
+accordance with the spirit which pervades them."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. Dropper said that he had but one fault to find. He was by nature
+fond of resisting all rules, the idea of which he had always associated
+with a restriction of individual liberty. The rules proposed by Mr.
+Spout contemplated no restriction. They were so nice an adjustment of
+the relations between the governor and the governed that he could not
+find it in his heart to resist them. Hence he would be debarred his
+usual gratification of combatting them. Still he was willing to give
+them a trial.
+
+Mr. Quackenbush liked the rules very much, as he thought it was coming
+down to first principles.
+
+Mr. Van Dam said that, so far as he was concerned, the matter was all
+right; if it wasn't, "he'd make it right."
+
+An inquiry was made as to who would fill the office of the Higholdboy.
+
+Mr. Spout replied. He said that their club was an anomaly. It differed
+in its features from any organization which had ever been made. He
+thought that its individual peculiarities should be kept up in the
+matter of the election of its presiding officers. He was in favor of
+self-elevation to the position, and of letting the voluntary
+acquiescence of the members measure the duration of individuals' tenure
+of office--in other words, when they got tired of him, leave him to
+preside over a meeting composed of himself and the furniture. "Now,
+gentlemen," concluded Mr. Spout, "who wants to be a Higholdboy? Don't
+all speak at once."
+
+Van Dam looked at Boggs; Boggs glanced at Dropper; Dropper eyed
+Quackenbush, and Quackenbush turned his eyes upon Spout.
+
+"No one speaks," said Spout, "which leads me to believe that no one
+desires the position unless it be myself, which I confess, gentlemen, is
+true. Gentlemen, I declare myself duly elevated and installed into the
+office of Higholdboy of the Elephant Club, and when you survey my
+proportions, and look at the size of that chair, I am satisfied you
+will concede that I am well adapted to fill it. In conclusion,
+gentlemen, I ask of you your coöperation in forwarding the aims and
+purposes of this club. Mr. Boggs, will you pass me the tobacco-box?"
+
+"Certainly," said Boggs, as he passed the box, "and allow me to
+congratulate your constituency in having elevated you to so responsible
+a position."
+
+"A very respectable constituency of one--Spout," said Mr. Quackenbush.
+"But it is very funny, isn't it?" said he.
+
+"It's a go," said Dropper.
+
+Mr. Van Dam was very glad that he wasn't the lucky man, as he had such
+an abhorrence of responsibility.
+
+The question of the time and place of meetings was the next subject
+discussed. It was finally agreed to leave that matter for future
+consideration.
+
+"Gentlemen," said Spout, "I have assumed a responsibility, in
+anticipation of my attaining the Higholdboyship of this club. In this,
+perhaps, my course will not meet with your full approval; the nature of
+the step you will be apprised of in the room below. Will you accompany
+me?"
+
+The party assented, wondering what further surprise was to greet them.
+They entered a rear parlor on the first floor, where an excellent
+dinner was waiting them, got up at the expense of Mr. John Spout,
+Higholdboy of the Elephant Club.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A good dinner is an excellent ending for any thing--even a chapter.
+
+
+
+
+THE ELEPHANTINE DEN.
+
+Off with his head so much.--SHAKSPEARE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE Club now being organized, and the eager members anxious to begin at
+once their expeditions in search of the pachydermatous animal whose
+peculiar habits, in a state of metropolitan domesticity, were to be
+henceforth their care and study, it became necessary to fix upon some
+convenient place of rendezvous, at which they might convene to prepare
+for their excursions, and where they might reassemble, should any
+desperate chance divide their strength, and separate their numbers.
+After some discussion as to the most convenient locality, a room in
+Broadway was selected, as being less likely to attract attention if
+lighted up and showing signs of occupancy at an unseasonable hour; and
+as being easily accessible in case a member was compelled to evade the
+pursuit of an avenging M.P.; or should he be taken suddenly drunk, and
+stand in need of brotherly assistance. It was not on the first floor,
+lest it should be mistaken for a tavern; nor on the second, lest the
+uninvited public should stray up stairs, thinking it to be a billiard
+saloon; neither was it in the attic, as the gas didn't run so high; but
+on the third floor of an imposing building, a room was discovered,
+appropriate in dimensions, convenient in locality, and the rent of which
+was not so high but that its altitude was easily admeasured by a weekly
+V. It is not our present intention to designate the identical numeral
+which, in the directory, would point out the precise latitude of this
+mysterious apartment to the anxious inquirer. Suffice it to say that it
+was in the immediate vicinity of the public office of the man whose name
+is synonymous with that of the adolescent offspring of the bird whose
+unmelodious note once saved the imperial city from its fierce invaders,
+and that the occupation of this man of the ornithological appellation is
+to provide food and drink for hungry humanity. The relative situations
+of the club-room and this restaurant were such, that a plummet, dropped
+from the chair of the Higholdboy, would, if unimpeded by interposing
+floors, fall directly upon the private bottle of the amiable proprietor
+in the bar below.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+By the timely suggestion of Mr. Remington Dropper, ingenious advantage
+was taken of the proximity of an establishment so praiseworthy, and so
+conducive to the common comfort. A wire was arranged, running from a
+point ever in reach of the chair of the august presiding officer, thence
+to a bell in the room beneath. A system of tintinabulatory signals was
+contrived, that the dispenser of good things, on the first floor, might
+be made to comprehend the wants of the thirsty individuals in the loft,
+without their coming down stairs. One jerk meant "brandy smashes" all
+round; two pulls signified "hot whisky punches, with plenty of lemon;" a
+prolonged jingle was to be immediately answered by an unlimited supply
+of ale, porter and pewter mugs; while a convulsive twitch, or a couple
+of spasmodic tugs, signified to the man in waiting, not only that the
+entire club was "over the bay," but that they wanted, on the instant,
+soda-water enough to float them in safety to the shore again.
+
+The furniture of this private elephantine den was simple, but necessary,
+made not for ornament, so much as contrived for use, and consisted of a
+long table, with an extra quantity of super-solid legs, in case the club
+should all take a freak to go to bed on it at once--two chairs for each
+member, one for the customary use, and the other for the accommodation
+of his feet, an upright piano-forte, a huge match-box, and a wash-tub
+for empty bottles. A journal was also provided, in which to inscribe the
+proceedings of each evening, and, by general agreement, it was made a
+standing order that no man should write therein unless he was
+sufficiently sober to tell a gold pen from a boot jack.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The poker was chained to the grate, that it might not, in case of an
+unusual excitement, become a convenient instrument for the demolition of
+furniture, or the extinguishment of an offending member. For the same
+reason, the water-jug was tied to the door-knob, and the private tumbler
+of each member made fast to one of his chairs with an elastic band, so
+that, should he throw it at any one, he would not only miss the object
+of his unnoble aim, but the elasticity of the securing thong would cause
+it to recoil upon his own pate, with a force which would, probably,
+render him for the future less inclined to experiment in projectiles.
+Over the entrance-door, on the outside, was placed a toy elephant, two
+feet long, but four feet underneath, imported from Germany, at the
+unheard-of cost of ten dollars.
+
+The room being furnished, and the club ready to commence operations, it
+was deemed expedient to select an individual of superior physical
+strength to attend to the door, lest some intruding outsider might
+sometime interrupt the deliberations of the honorable quadrupedal order.
+Mr. Quackenbush elected himself to this dignified and honorable office,
+and, under the belief that his brawny arms were eminently suited to do
+duty in case of the irruption of sacrilegious outsiders upon the
+sanctified premises, all the other members acquiesced in his promotion.
+If any undesirable person presented himself for admission, he was to
+inform him of the secrecy of the convention. Should the outsider
+persevere, he was first to expostulate with him, and endeavor to
+persuade him to go peaceably away. If all milder means should prove
+unavailing, he was first to black both of his eyes with a pewter mug,
+taking care to do it impartially and symmetrically, that the
+discoloration of one optic should not in the least exceed that of the
+other; he was then mildly to knock him down with a chair, pitch him
+gently, head first, down both flights of stairs into the street, and
+then, having filled his boots full of gravel, and put a brick in his
+mouth, he was to leave him; but on no account was he to deal harshly
+with such offender, unless he chose to do so on his own responsibility,
+or was specially authorized by a unanimous vote of all the members
+awake, in which case he might act his own pleasure. He solemnly bound
+himself, in case he should at any time be overcome by fatigue, or any
+other potent cause, that he would go to sleep immediately before the
+threshold, in order to prevent any animated worldling from penetrating
+into the secret den, and spy out the mystic doings of the elephants,
+without forcing an entrance over his prostrate body.
+
+The arrangements being now complete, a solemn convocation of the
+honorable body was held, and a quadrupedal quorum being present, after a
+smoky and juicy deliberation of some seven hours, the Higholdboy, Mr.
+John Spout, unanimously _Resolved_:
+
+1. That the club proceed to hunt the long-nosed animal.
+
+2. In a body.
+
+3. To-morrow night.
+
+To this series of resolutions each of the other members acceded. The
+result of this bold determination will be fully detailed in another
+chapter.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FIRST DISCOVERIES OF THE CLUB.
+
+   "He who fights and runs away,
+   Will live--"
+
+A. NONYMOUS.
+
+
+Pursuant to the resolutions unanimously adopted on the evening before,
+the Elephant Club met to proceed, under the direction of some
+experienced hunter, to scrutinize their ponderous game. Being duly
+equipped with all the arms and ammunition required for an expedition of
+so perilous a nature, they sallied forth. They dragged no heavy,
+ponderous artillery, they wore no clanking swords, they rallied under no
+silken banner, and marched to no inspiriting music; but they tramped
+along, their only rallying-flag being a yellow handkerchief round the
+hat of Mr. Myndert Van Dam, who had thus protected his "Cady" from any
+injury from a sudden shower; their only martial music was the shrill
+pipe of Mr. James George Boggs, who whistled "Pop goes the Weasel," and
+for arms each one had a hickory cane, and in the breast pocket of his
+overcoat, a single "pocket-pistol," loaded, but not dangerous. Mr.
+Remington Dropper had assumed the leadership, and was to conduct the
+party on their cruise.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+They had proceeded but a short distance when Mr. Boggs called out to the
+party to observe the motions of a queer-looking character, who was
+approaching at a distance of a half block. He was stepping on the edge
+of the sidewalk with his gaze fixed upon the gutter, and in apparent
+unconsciousness of the existence of anything but himself. He was lank,
+lean, and sallow. His clothes were quite dilapidated, his beard and hair
+long. A smile on his face seemed to indicate his entire satisfaction
+with himself. He was a marked character, and after a moment's sight at
+the individual, inquiries were made of Mr. Boggs as to who he was.
+
+"That is more than I can say," was Boggs's response. "I have known him
+by sight for years, and he has always appeared the same. He belongs to a
+class of beings in New York, a few specimens of which are familiar to
+those who frequent the principal thoroughfares, and are known by the
+ornithological appellation of "gutter-snipes." I have often talked with
+him, but he knows nothing of his own history; or, if he does, chooses
+not to reveal it. He is a monomaniac, but perfectly harmless, and calls
+himself Nicholas Quail. I have learned from other sources a few facts of
+his history. He sleeps anywhere and everywhere, and eats in the same
+localities. Nobody ever harms him, all being familiar with his whims. As
+far as I can learn, he was formerly a raftsman. He has never in his life
+owned real estate enough to form the site for a hen-coop, nor timber
+sufficient to build it. His personal property could be crowded into a
+small pocket-handkerchief; but let him get four inches of whisky in him,
+and he fancies he has such boundless and illimitable wealth, that in
+comparison, the treasures of Aladdin, provided by the accommodating
+slave of the lamp, would be but small change. He walks about the streets
+viewing what he terms the improvements he is making; he gives all sorts
+of absurd directions to workmen as to how he desires the work to be
+done, much to their amusement. But here he is, now; if he is tight we'll
+have some sport."
+
+As the personage approached, Boggs accosted him, when the following
+dialogue took place.
+
+"So Nicholas," said Boggs, "you've come back, have you? How is the
+financial department at present?"
+
+Nick looked up and smiled.
+
+"The fact is," said he, "I've just been buying all the grain in
+Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana for $7 a bushel, and I am rather
+short for small change, but if you want a hundred thousand or so, just
+send a cart round to my office. Would you prefer having it in quarter
+eagles or twenty dollar pieces?"
+
+"Well, Nick, I don't care to borrow at present, but a boy says you've
+been drunk. How is it?"
+
+"What boy is it?"
+
+"Your boy in your counting-room--the urchin who runs on errands for you,
+smokes your stubs, and pockets the small change."
+
+"Now, hadn't he ought to be ashamed of himself, the red-haired devil,
+for getting Old Nick into such a scrape by his drunken lies? Haven't I
+made him presents enough? It was only last week that I gave him a house
+in Thirty-second street, and a splendid mansion on the North River; and
+on the 4th of July he had fourteen thousand dollars, all in pennies, to
+buy fire-crackers and soda-water with; and yet he goes to you and lies,
+and says that I've been drunk. Don't you believe the lying cub; he's got
+a spite agin me, because last night I wouldn't give him the Erie
+Railroad to bet on poker; but I couldn't do it, General; I seen the
+cards was agin him; the other feller held four kings, and he hadn't
+nothin' in the world but three high-heeled jacks and a pair of fours."
+
+"I do believe you were drunk," said Boggs, "and if you ever get hauled
+up before the justice you will have to pay ten dollars, and if you have
+not that decimal amount handy, you had better entrust it to the boy's
+keeping, to have it ready in case of such an emergency."
+
+Nick felt in his pockets, and with a puzzled air remarked:
+
+"I haven't got the money here, but I'll give you a check on the Nassau
+Bank for a thousand, and you can give me the change; or I'll give you a
+deed of Stewart's, or a mortgage lien on the Astor House."
+
+"Shan't do it, shan't do it, Old Nick; and I'm afraid you'll have to go
+to Blackwell's Island, sure."
+
+"There's that infernal island again," said Nick; "if I'd ever thought it
+would come to this, I never'd have given that little piece of property
+to the city; but I'll buy it back next week, and use it hereafter for a
+cabbage garden; see if I don't."
+
+By this time the Elephants seemed to disposed to go, but Nick spied on
+the shirt-front of Mr. John Spout a diamond pin, which seemed to take
+his fancy. He offered in vain a block of stores in Pearl street, the
+Custom-House, the Assay-Office, the Metropolitan Hotel and
+three-quarters of the steamer Atlantic, and to throw into the bargain
+Staten Island and Brooklyn City; but it was no use, the party took their
+leave, and Nick was disconsolate.
+
+Passing up Broadway, their attention was attracted by one of those
+full-length basswood statues of impossible-looking men, holding an
+impracticable pistol in his hand, at an angle which never could be
+achieved by a live man with the usual allowance of bones, but which
+defiant figure was evidently intended to be suggestive of a
+shooting-gallery in the rear.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. John Spout, who was in a philosophic mood, remarked that it was a
+curious study to observe the various abortive efforts of aspiring
+carpenters to represent the human form divine, in the three-cornered
+wooden men, which stand for "pistol-galleries;" and the inexplicable
+Turks, the unheard of Scotchmen, and the Indians of every possible and
+impossible tribe, which are supposed to hint "tobacco and cigars."
+
+The ambitious carpenter first hews out a distorted caricature of a man,
+which he passes over to the painters to be embellished. By the time the
+figure has survived the last operation, it might certainly be
+worshipped without transgressing any scriptural injunction, for it
+certainly looks like nothing in "the heavens above, the earth below, or
+the waters under the earth." It is, however, an easy matter to
+distinguish the Highlanders from the Turks, by the fact, that the calves
+of their legs are larger around than their waists, and they are dressed
+in petticoats and plaid stockings; the Turks and Indians, however, being
+of the same color, might easily be confounded, were it not for the
+inexplicable circumstance that the former are always squatting down,
+while the latter are invariably standing up; they are all, however,
+remarkable for the unstable material of which their countenances are
+manufactured; after one has been exposed to the boys and the weather for
+about a fortnight, his nose will disappear, his lips come up a minus
+quantity, the top of his head be knocked off, and a minute's scrutiny
+will generally disclose the presence of innumerable gimlet-holes in his
+eyes. The boys, in their desire to comprehend perfectly the internal
+economy of these human libels, not unfrequently carry their anatomical
+investigations to the extent of cutting off a leg or two, and amputating
+one or more arms, or cutting out three or four ribs with a buck-saw or a
+broad-axe. Indeed, there is one unfortunate wooden Indian, of some
+fossil and unknown tribe, on exhibition in front of a snuff-shop in the
+Bowery, who has not only lost both legs, one arm, and his stomach, but
+has actually endured the amputation of the head and neck, and bears a
+staff stuck in the hole where his spine ought to be, and upon a flag is
+inscribed the heartless sentence, "Mrs. Miller's Fine Cut--for
+particulars inquire within."
+
+Mr. John Spout having concluded his explanatory remarks, the entire
+party went into the pistol-gallery before-mentioned, to have a crack at
+the iron man, with the pipe in his mouth.
+
+The nature of Mr. Quackenbush's profession, that of a teacher, was not
+such as would make him familiar with the use of fire-arms, and, in point
+of fact, he had about as good a notion of pistol-shooting as a
+stage-horse has of hunting wild bees; but he resolved to try his hand
+with the rest. When it came to his turn to try, he spilled the priming,
+and fired the hair-trigger instrument, accidentally, four times, to the
+imminent danger of the bystanders, before he could be taught to hold it
+so that it wouldn't go off before he got ready. He finally got a fair
+shot, and succeeded in breaking a window immediately behind him, after
+which he concluded he would not shoot any more.
+
+As the other side of the room was used for a bowling alley, the company
+proceeded to have a game of ten-pins; and here, again, Mr. Quackenbush
+distinguished himself. After dropping one ball on his toes, and allowing
+another to fall into a spittoon, he succeeded in getting one to roll
+down the alley; with his second ball, by some miraculous chance, he got
+a "ten-strike," knocking down, not only all the pins, but also the
+luckless youth who presided over the setting-up-department.
+
+Having refreshed themselves, the party once more regained Broadway, and
+consulted as to what place should be visited next.
+
+Mr. Spout suggested that he would like to smoke. Nobody dissented except
+Mr. Dropper, who said he had read the day previous, in the morning
+papers, that a Turkish elephant had arrived in town, and was on
+exhibition on Broadway, above the Metropolitan Hotel. Thinking that a
+comparison instituted between the Turkish quadruped and the one which it
+was their particular office to study, might be of benefit to the members
+of the club, in their investigations, Mr. Dropper suggested that the
+smoking be dispensed with, until they should come into the presence of
+the oriental animal. Onward the zoölogical specialists sped their way,
+sometimes marching in Indian file, and sometimes arm-in-arm, running
+over little boys, dirty dogs, drygoods boxes, low awnings and area
+railings, until at last Mr. Dropper cried "Halt!" before the portals of
+the den wherein the mysterious elephant, which had arrived from
+Constantinople, was concealed. It became a question who should lead in
+making an entrance. Boggs was fearful, Van Dam was afraid, Spout was
+cautious, Quackenbush would a little rather not, but Dropper's courage
+failed not, and he walked boldly into the outer temple, followed by his
+timid associates. Here they discovered a long counter, and a glass
+show-case, in which were displayed queer shoes, quaint tooth-picks,
+funny pipes, and singular ornaments. A glass jar, filled with a
+rose-pink fluid was also on the counter. A tall gentleman with a
+ferocious moustache, and a diminutive red cap, without a front-piece,
+met them. Mr. Quackenbush's curiosity was in a single direction; he said
+he wanted to go through the harem. They finally entered into the rear
+apartment. Here their wondering eyes beheld a long room, well lighted
+with gas. In the centre was a small basin, in which goldfish were
+indulging in their accustomed aquatic sports. On either side were
+arranged wide divans, covered with red drapery and high pillows. Small
+stands were arranged in front of them. Various parties were seated with
+novel inventions before them, suggested by the minds of ingenious Turks,
+to accomplish the destruction of the tobacco crop. The members of the
+Elephant Club placed themselves on the divans, and after they had
+arranged themselves to their satisfaction, their oriental friend
+approached them, and gave to each a "programme" of Turkish delicacies.
+Mr. Spout inquired what a _nargillê_ was, and was informed that it was a
+water-pipe. Mr. Spout insisted that he preferred a pipe wherein fire,
+rather than water, was the element used. Mr. Boggs said he would take a
+_chibouk_ on trial. Mr. Spout coincided, and called also for a
+_chibouk_. But Van Dam ordered three _nargillês_, one for himself,
+another for Dropper, and a third for Quackenbush. The _chibouks_ were
+produced, and Boggs and Spout commenced smoking in earnest.
+
+In the mean time, the _nargillês_ were produced for the other members of
+the club. Van Dam backed down at their first appearance. The glass vase,
+having in it water below and fire above, looked suspicious, and added to
+that was a mysterious length of hose, which was wound about in all
+directions, commencing at the fire, and running around the vase, about
+the table legs, over the chair, back through the rounds, about his
+legs, around his body, and finally came up over his shoulder, and
+terminated in a mouth-piece. Mr. Van Dam's first sensations, after these
+preliminaries had been arranged, were that he was in imminent danger of
+his life, and acting upon this impulse, he obstinately refused to go the
+_nargillê_, remarking, that they might be harmless enough in the hands
+of the Turks, who knew how to use such fire-arms, but he thought
+prudence dictated that he should keep clear of such diabolical
+inventions.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+Dropper and Quackenbush, however, had no fears, but their drafts on the
+fire, through the hose, were not honored with smoke. They exhausted the
+atmosphere in their mouths, but get a taste of smoke they could not,
+and, in despair, Mr. Quackenbush called in the proprietor for an
+explanation of the mysteries of fumigating _à la Turque_. In compliance
+with the request, the gentleman informed the amateur Turks that they
+must inhale the smoke. Dropper protested that he wouldn't make his lungs
+a stove-pipe to oblige anybody--even the sultan and his sultanas--and he
+accordingly dropped the hose, and ordered a _chibouk_. Quackenbush,
+however, made the effort, but a spasmodic coughing put an end to further
+attempts, and the result was that another _chibouk_ was called for. Each
+member of the club began to feel himself sufficiently etherealized to
+aspire to a position in a Mahomedan heaven, where he could be surrounded
+by the spirits of numberless beautiful _houris_, when the attention of
+Mr. Spout was attracted to a young gentleman, seated on a divan, in the
+rear of the apartment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He was smoking a ponderous _chibouk_, and the cloudy volumes sent forth
+from his mouth hung about his form, quite obscuring him from sight.
+Occasionally, however, he would stop to breathe, which gave the members
+of the club an opportunity to survey his appearance. He was a young man
+of about twenty-two years, small in stature, with a pale, delicate skin,
+and light hair, plastered down by the barber's skill with exactness. He
+had no signs of beard or moustache. He was evidently making mighty
+efforts to become a Turk. He sat on the divan, with his legs drawn up
+under him, adopting the Turkish mode of inhaling the smoke, and he
+followed one inhalation by another with such fearful rapidity that the
+first impulse of the uninitiated would have been to cry out fire. But he
+evidently didn't sit easy, for after a few minutes, he pulled his legs
+out from under him and stretched them out at full length, to get out the
+wrinkles. The Turkish manner of sitting was, evidently, attended with
+physical inconveniences, for, after about a dozen experimental efforts,
+he gave it up, put his heels on the table, and laid himself back against
+the cushions. Still, however, he continued to smoke unremittingly (as if
+to make up in that what he lacked in ability to sit in the Turkish
+posture). But it was soon manifest that the young man was suffering. His
+face was deathly pale, and, dropping his _chibouk_, he called out for
+his oriental host. The gentleman in the red cap appeared, and the
+sufferer informed him that he "felt so bad," and he placed his hand on
+his stomach, denoting that as the particular seat of his difficulty. The
+benevolent Turk suggested exercise out of doors, and, as the elephant
+hunters were about going out, they offered to accompany him to his home.
+The offer was accepted, and the youth, sick in the cause of Turkey,
+left, supported by Dropper and Quackenbush.
+
+A walk of a few squares relieved the young gentleman of the extremely
+unpleasant sensations, when he begged leave to express his thanks to the
+gentlemen for their kindness. He took occasion to inform them that his
+name was John I. Cake, late a resident of an interior town in Illinois,
+where his parents now reside. He was, at present, living in New York
+with an uncle, who was a banker in Wall-street, under whose tuition he
+was learning rapidly how to make inroads upon the plunder of his
+neighbors, without being in danger of finding his efforts rewarded with
+board and lodging at the expense of State. He had been educated at a
+country college, and knew nothing of city life, except what he had seen
+in Wall street.
+
+Mr. Spout said that he was very happy to have met him, and inquired
+whether he would like to have an opportunity of seeing the elephant.
+
+Mr. John I. Cake said that nothing would please him better. Mr. Spout
+proceeded at once to inform him that the gentlemen who were present were
+members of an organization gotten up for that express purpose, and which
+was known among themselves as the Elephant Club; further he said to Mr.
+Cake, that if he desired to join, they would administer the obligation
+to him that evening, and initiate him into the order.
+
+Mr. Cake said by all means. At this time the party had reached the front
+of a church, in the shadow of which they stopped. Mr. Spout, as
+Higholdboy, announced that the Elephant Club was now organized. "Mr.
+Cake," said he, "step forward and receive the obligation."
+
+Mr. Cake did step forward with a bold and determined step.
+
+Mr. Spout continued: "Let your arm," said he, "hang in an easy position
+from the right shoulder. Now let the digits of your other hand point
+'over the left.' Now then, Mr. John I. Cake, late of the State of
+Illinois, but now encircled with, the moral atmosphere of Wall street,
+you do solemnly swear, by the sacred horn spoons, that you desire to
+become a member of the Elephant Club, that you are willing, on becoming
+a member, to do as you please, unless it pleases you to do something
+else; that you will never kick a big Irishman's dog, unless you think
+you are smart enough to thrash his master; that you will be just as
+honest as you think the times will economically allow; that you will,
+under no circumstances buy and smoke a 'penny grab,' so long as you have
+philanthropic friends who will give you Havanas. All of this you
+solemnly swear, so help you John Rogers."
+
+"Perhaps," was the response of Mr. John I. Cake.
+
+"Having given the correct response," said the Higholdboy, "you are
+pronounced a member of the Elephant Club, when you shall have duly
+favored us with the initiative sit down."
+
+"Good!" said Mr. Cake, "where shall it be?"
+
+"Wherever good oysters are to be procured," said Mr. Dropper.
+
+"Here you are, then," remarked Quackenbush, as he pointed to a sign over
+a subterranean door-way, over which was inscribed the words,
+
+   "Here are the spot
+   Where good oysters is got."
+
+The club descended into the saloon, and Mr. Cake called for six half
+dozens on the half shell.
+
+Now, be it known to the readers of these records, that Mr. Cake was
+unacquainted with the perfection to which many departments of manual
+labor had reached, and being naturally of an inquiring turn of mind, he
+stayed outside to watch the feats of the young man who brandished the
+oyster-knife. This gentleman was an adept at his profession. With the
+most perfect grace of motion, he would lift the oyster in his left
+hand, lay its edge gently on a small iron standard, give that edge two
+delicate raps with the butt of the oyster-knife as a signal to the
+oyster that its turn had now come, when immediately the shells would
+open, the upper half would jump off and fall below, and the oyster would
+smile at the young man as he took the knife, and delicately stroked down
+its beard. All of this transpired in a very short period of time, which,
+with the artistic grace displayed by the professor, was sufficient to
+astound Mr. Cake. Indeed, he had entirely forgotten his companions in
+his admiration of conchological anatomy.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The oysters were placed before the gentlemen, and partaken of with a
+relish. But Mr. Cake had not seen enough to gratify his wishes. He
+ordered another dose all around, and again took his position outside to
+watch the operation of divesting the oysters of one half of their
+natural exterior protection. Without doubt, the young man's merits, at
+his particular vocation, were great; but Mr. Cake magnified them, in his
+intense admiration, most alarmingly. To him, it seemed as if each
+particular oyster was waiting for its turn to come, and only wanted a
+wink from the young man, when it would jump into his grasp, proud that
+it was permitted so soon to be sacrificed by such a hand. Mr. Cake was
+transfixed; he never moved his eyes until the second, third and fourth
+installment of shell-fish were served up.
+
+Mr. Boggs then spoke about drinks. Johnny protested that he never drank
+anything that would intoxicate--in fact, he was an uncompromising
+teetotaller. Still, however, he had no objections to treating the crowd,
+as that would give him an opportunity to remain a few minutes more with
+the object of his admiration. He continued to watch the motions, whilst
+his friends were doing justice to the spirituous decoctions. At last Mr.
+Spout told Johnny that it was time to go. Johnny went to the bar, paid
+the bill, and, as the party regained the street, Johnny Cake said, with
+a sigh, that he only wished he were an oyster, that he, too, might be
+the willing victim of that young man's knife. But, inasmuch as he was
+not, it was his intention to gratify his desire to see the young man's
+manipulations by coming every night until he was satisfied.
+
+It is a fact which may be asserted, that Mr. Johnny Cake, as the members
+of the club had now learned to call him, with forty "oysters and the
+fixens" on board, did not walk with much apparent comfort.
+
+The club stopped to deliberate, but in the midst of their deliberations
+the City Hall bell sounded, and instantly commenced all that furious
+uproar peculiar to Gotham at the sound of an alarm of fire. A crowd of
+screaming men and boys came tearing along, dragging Engine No. 32-1/2,
+which hung back and jumped about, as if determined not to go at any
+hazard. About half a block in advance of this crazy throng rushed a
+frantic man, with a red shirt and a tin trumpet. Each individual yelled
+as if the general resurrection were at hand, and he under special
+obligations to wake up some particular friend. The rheumatic engine held
+back with all its power, and seemed, for the moment, endowed with a kind
+of obstinate vitality. Now it threw its wheel round a lamp-post, then it
+tumbled against the curb-stone, then it ran its tongue into an awning,
+then affectionately embraced with its projecting arms a crockery-wagon,
+and finally, with a kind of inanimate dogged determination not to go
+ahead, in turning a short corner, it leaped triumphantly astride a
+hydrant, where it stuck. The men tugged, but the engine held fast; the
+frantic man in the red shirt came tearing back; he had gone far enough
+ahead to see that 13-1/4's boys had got their stream on the fire, and he
+was furious at the delay. One mighty jerk, and the men and boys were
+piled in a huge kicking mass on the pavement, which phenomenon was
+occasioned by the unexpected breaking of the rope. The rope was tied,
+and by a united effort directed at the wheels, the brakes, the tongue,
+and every get-at-able point, the machine was again started, protesting,
+with creaks, and groans, and various portentous rumblings in its inner
+works, against the roughness of its treatment.
+
+The frantic red-shirt-man howled through his trumpet that Hose 24-3/8
+was coming. The boys looked back, and Hose 24-3/8 _was_ coming. Hose
+24-3/8 came alongside. Hose 24-3/8 tried to go by. Hose 24-3/8 was
+evidently striving to get to the fire in advance of her betters, but
+Hose 24-3/8 couldn't do it--for, at this interesting juncture, 32-1/2's
+fellows waked up to their work, and the race began. Single gentlemen got
+into door-ways, or crawled under carts; the ladies who were in the
+street at that time of night disappeared down oyster-cellars; the M.P.s
+probably went through the coal-holes, for not one was at that instant
+"visible to the naked eye." Stages, to get out of the way, turned down
+alleys so narrow that they had to be drawn out backwards; an
+express-wagon was run into, and wrecked on a pile of bricks; an early
+milk-cart was left high and dry on a mountain of oyster-shells; a
+belated hand-cart-man deserted his vehicle in the middle of the street,
+and it was instantly demolished, while the owner was only preserved from
+a similar fate by being knocked gently over a picket-fence into an area,
+where there couldn't anybody get at him. In the height and very fury of
+the race, the crowd rushed upon the Elephantines, who were gazing in
+fancied security at the mixed-up spectacle before them. In an instant
+they were all inextricably entangled in the rush; those that escaped
+32-1/2 were caught up instantly by 24-3/8, and those who got away from
+24-3/8, were seized upon by 32-1/2. It was no use resisting--on they
+must go. The ponderosity of John Spout was no protection to him; nor did
+the lankness of Dusenbury Quackenbush, and the unreliable appearance of
+his legs, avail him anything. The quiet inoffensiveness of Van Dam was
+not respected; no regard was paid to the philosophical composure of Mr.
+Remington Dropper. The youthful face of Johnny Cake, too, availed
+nothing in his favor. Mr. Boggs became involved, and all were
+irretrievably mingled with the howling demi-devils who were racing for
+the miniature purgatory, the flames from which could now be plainly
+seen. It was "No. 1, round the corner," the residence of "My Uncle," and
+each one was anxious to redeem his individual effects without going
+through the formality of paying charges and giving up the tickets.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But their very anxiety was a serious bar to their rapid progress: and
+the two machines were jammed together by the zealous rivals. Hard words
+ensued, and a general row was the instant and legitimate result.
+Quackenbush was complimented with a lick over the head with a trumpet,
+in the hands of the frantic red-shirt-man, who accused him of locking
+the tongue of 24-3/8 into 32-1/2's wheel. Dropper had his hat knocked
+over his eyes, and thereupon, his indignation being roused, he hit out,
+right and left. His first vigorous blow inflicted terrific damage upon
+the amiable countenance of his best friend, Mr. Van Dam, and the very
+first kick he gave upset Mr. John Spout upon the protruding stomach of a
+man who had been knocked down with a spanner. John quickly recovered
+himself, and hit Van Dam a clip in the sinister optic, which placed that
+useful member in a state of temporary total eclipse. The battle became
+general, and each man waged an indiscriminate war upon his neighbor.
+Between the affectionate thrashing they gave each other, and the
+indiscriminate kicks and punches they received from outsiders, the
+Elephantines were well pommelled. By the time 32-1/2 and 24-3/8 had got
+out of the muss, and were fairly on their way to the fire again, Mr.
+John Spout was the only one of that fraternal band visible on his feet.
+Dropper was doubled up across a hydrant, Van Dam was comfortably
+reposing on his back, in the middle of the street, while Quackenbush was
+sitting on him, trying to wipe the blood out of his eyes, and to
+ascertain, as nearly as possible, the number of teeth he had swallowed.
+But when the members came together to make mutual explanations, Johnny
+Cake was _non est_. Great, indeed, was the cry that was heard after the
+missing member. Quackenbush bellowed out, in a heavy, sonorous voice,
+that the difficulty was all past, when Johnny's shrill voice was heard
+in response. The voice proceeded from an empty molasses hogshead, into
+which Johnny had jumped, during the melee, for safety. His
+brother-members released him from his situation, and, when he was once
+more on Gotham's pavement, he was literally a sweet case. Dirty sugar
+adhered to every part of his exterior. Explanations were then made, and
+the members proceeded to shake hands all round, except Mr. Dropper, who
+couldn't shake hands with anybody, because some one had upset a bucket
+of tar on his fingers, and he couldn't get it off.
+
+The matter being at length arranged to the satisfaction of all
+concerned, they adjourned from the sidewalk to a beer-shop, where they
+washed their faces, pinned up the rents in their pantaloons, and got the
+jams out of their hats, as well as they could upon so short a notice.
+They then found their way to the club-room, held a council, and without
+a great deal of deliberation, it was resolved, every man for himself:
+
+That, to prevent the future possibility of all the members of the club
+having black eyes at the same time, the members would, from this time
+forth, pursue their investigations singly, or in pairs--the optical
+adornment of a single person being bearable, but for all the club to be
+simultaneously thus affected, was a phenomenon not down in the bills.
+
+The club then adjourned for convalescence.
+
+
+
+
+FIRST EVENING WITH THE CLUB.
+
+"Dogs bark."--SHAKESPEARE.
+
+
+As soon as the members of the Elephant Club had recovered their normal
+appearance, each issued forth alone to catch further glimpses of the
+colossal quadruped of the metropolis. Each was assiduous in pursuing his
+investigations, and all manifested a spirit of self-denial worthy of
+martyrs in the cause of scientific research. The quantity of bad liquors
+they drank in forming new acquaintances, it were useless to estimate;
+the horrible cigars they smoked with those acquaintances are beyond
+computation, and yet they never flagged for a moment. After a few days,
+thus passed, the Higholdboy thought it time the club should hear the
+reports of its members. He, accordingly, put up on the bulletin a
+notice, stating that he expected the attendance of every member on a
+certain evening.
+
+The evening came, and with it came the members. The weather was
+sufficiently warm to admit of the windows being up, and a fine, cooling
+draught of air passed through the apartment. The gentlemen filled their
+pipes and proceeded to take it easy. Mr. Dropper hung himself upon two
+chairs; Boggs stretched himself upon a sofa; Van Dam took off his coat,
+rolled it up for a pillow, and laid himself out on the floor.
+Quackenbush put an easy-chair by the door, and seated himself there to
+act as sentinel. Mr. Spout, the Higholdboy, moved his official chair up
+to one of the windows, turned the back upon his fellow-members, seated
+himself, raised his feet to the window-casing, and said that, with his
+eyes looking out between the toes of his boots upon the tiles and
+chimney-pots, it could not be said he had seen any disorderly conduct,
+if the members should see fit to vary the monotony of the proceedings by
+getting up an extemporized row among themselves. Johnny Cake alone
+seemed aware that a necessity existed for the exhibition of proper
+dignity on the part of the meeting. He sat by the table proudly erect.
+His standing collar, neatly-tied cravat, and scrupulously clean
+exterior, corresponded with his prim deportment.
+
+It became a serious question who should open his budget of experience
+first. There was no rule to coerce a member to commence; consequently,
+appeals were made to the magnanimity of each other. These were
+irresistible, and all suddenly became willing and even anxious to make
+the beginning.
+
+Mr. Dropper, however, got the floor first. He insisted that he was not
+in the habit of appearing in large assemblies as a prominent participant
+in the proceedings, and, in consideration of this fact, he ventured to
+hope that his incipient efforts would not be judged of harshly.
+
+Mr. Dropper's spasmodic modesty excited the boisterous mirth of his
+fellow-members.
+
+Mr. Remington Dropper commenced:
+
+"Gentlemen of the Elephant Club," said he, "the subject which I have to
+present for your consideration this evening is a remarkable instance of
+the _genus homo_ which I accidentally came across in my peregrinations a
+few evenings since. I was returning home from the theatre, and in
+passing a door-way in Broadway, I discovered a man seated on the stone
+step, with his form reclining against the door-casing. The gas-light
+shone directly in his face, which revealed to me the fact that he was
+asleep. The singularity of his personal appearance could not fail to
+attract my attention, and I stopped to study his form, features, and
+dress, to determine, if I could, who and what he was. His face had
+evidently been put up askew. The corner of his mouth, the eye and
+eyebrow on one side were inclined downward, giving him a demure and
+melancholy look; but on the other side they were inclined upwards, which
+made that side show a continued grin. A front view of his face was
+suggestive of both joy and melancholy, which was equal to no expression
+at all, as the expression on one side offset that of the other. His
+coat, which was buttoned tightly about him, was neither a dress nor a
+frock, but the skirts were rounded off in front, making it a compromise
+between the two. His pants were also a go-between; they were neither
+white nor black, but in point of color, were a pepper-and-salt
+formation. The leg on one side was rolled up. On one foot was a boot, on
+the other a shoe. He wore a very dirty collar, which, on the laughing
+side of his face was Byronic, and on the solemn side, uncompromisingly
+erect. His hat was an antiquated shanghae--black on the crown and light
+underneath the brim. If a noun, he was certainly a very uncommon, but
+not strictly a proper noun. If a verb, he seemed to be passive. The
+tense of his general appearance it would be difficult to determine.
+Strictly, it was neither past nor present, nor was it in accordance with
+my ideas of the future. To a certain extent it was all three. His seedy
+exterior was the remains of the past, existing in the present, and
+existing prospectively in the future. His mood was subjunctive, full of
+doubt and uncertainty. Judging from his entire appearance, I could come
+to no other conclusion as respects his character, than that he was a
+combination of ups and downs, a concentration of small differences, a
+specimen of non-committalism in everything except an entire abstinence
+from water used as a means of purifying his body externally, and his
+clothing. His red nose led me to suspect that he did not bathe with cold
+water to an alarming extent inwardly. The individual was remarkable, not
+for what he was, but for what he was not.
+
+"Such were my thoughts, gentlemen, and I determined to awake the
+unconscious sleeper, to see how far my conclusions were right. I shook
+him well, and accompanied my act with a peremptory order to 'get up.'
+After a moment he roused himself and looked at me, but immediately
+dropped his eyes. I commenced a dialogue with him, which, as near as I
+can recollect, was as follows:
+
+"'What are you doing here?' said I.
+
+"'Dun'no,' was the response.
+
+"'You're certainly quite drunk.'
+
+"'Likely.'
+
+"'That is an offence against the law.'
+
+"'Des'say.'
+
+"'You've been arrested for drunkenness before.'
+
+"'Werry like. But I 'aven't been a doin' nuthin' helse.'
+
+"'But I've arrested you before,' said I, playing the policeman, in order
+to continue the conversation.
+
+"'Des'say, hofficer; but did I hoffer any resistance?'
+
+"'Your weight did.'
+
+"'Vas it wiolent?'
+
+"'You were too drunk to make any violent resistance.'
+
+"'Des'say; I honly inquired for hinformation.'
+
+"'What's your name?'
+
+"'Vich name do you vant to know?'
+
+"'Your whole name, of course.'
+
+"'Bobinger Thomas.'
+
+"'Where were you born, Thomas?'
+
+"'Hingland.'
+
+"'What is your business?'
+
+"'My perwession?'
+
+"'Yes.'
+
+"'It's warious. I never dabbled with law, physic, or diwinity.'
+
+"'I asked you what your profession is--not what it isn't.'
+
+"'My perwession now, or vot it used to vos?'
+
+"'Your present profession, of course.'
+
+"'Vell--nuthin'.'
+
+"'Well, what was your profession in the past?'
+
+"'Vot do you vant to know for?'
+
+"'I shall answer no questions; but you must. Now tell me what your past
+profession was.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"'Dogs.'
+
+"'Are you a dog-fancier?'
+
+"'Poss'bly; I fancies dogs.'
+
+"'What breed of dogs do you fancy?'
+
+"'Them as I gets in Jersey.'
+
+"'What do you do with the dogs that you get there?'
+
+"'I vouldn't go into the business if I vos in your sitivation. It don't
+pay any more, 'cause there's so many coves as has inwested. I left
+'cause it vos hoverdid.'
+
+"'I hadn't the slightest intention of going into the business. I asked
+you for information.'
+
+"'Glad to 'ear you say so. I vos halmost hutterly ruined in it.'
+
+"'Well, what do you do with the dogs?'
+
+"'I doesn't follow the perwession no more.'
+
+"'I asked you what you did with the dogs you picked up in New Jersey.'
+
+"'They muzzles dogs now more than they did vonce.'
+
+"'Tell me what you did with the dogs.'
+
+"'If you nab a cove for gettin' drunk vot do they do vith 'im?'
+
+"'Are you going to answer my question?'
+
+"'Vill they let me off if I tell vere I got the liquor?'
+
+"'Look here, Thomas, answer my question.'
+
+"'Vot do they do vith the coves as sells?'
+
+"'I shan't trifle with you any longer. If you don't tell me what you do
+with the dogs, I shall enter a charge of vagrancy against you.'
+
+"'Vell, I didn't sell 'em for sassengers.'
+
+"'What did you sell them for?'
+
+"'I didn't sell 'em.'
+
+"'How did you dispose of them?'
+
+"'Is old Keene varden of the penitentiary now?'
+
+"'Tell me, now, what you did with the dogs.'
+
+"'I took 'em to the dog pound.'
+
+"'What did you do with them there?'
+
+"'Vy, doesn't they muzzle cats the same as dogs?'
+
+"'Look here, Thomas, you must answer my question without equivocation. I
+want to understand the details of this dog-business. What did you do
+with them at the dog-pound?'
+
+"'For hevery dog as ve takes to the pound ve gets an 'arf a slum.'
+
+"'Then it seems you caught your dogs in New Jersey, brought them to the
+New York dog-pound, and claimed for your philanthropic exertions the
+reward of a half a dollar, offered by ordinance for every dog caught
+within the limits of New York?'
+
+"'Vell, if you'd been born into the perwession, you couldn't have
+understood its vays better.'
+
+"'You are a sweet subject, certainly.'
+
+"'Des'say.'
+
+"'Are you not ashamed of yourself, to be found lying drunk in
+door-ways?'
+
+"'B'lieve so.'
+
+"'Are you not certain you are?'
+
+"'Prob'bly.'
+
+"'Did you drink liquor to-night?'
+
+"'P'r'aps.'
+
+"'Where did you get it?'
+
+"'Dun'no.'
+
+"'What kind was it?'
+
+"'I halvays 'ad a passion for gin.'
+
+"'Was it gin you drank to-night?'
+
+"'Des'say.'
+
+"'Are you not sure that it was?'
+
+"'Mebbee.'
+
+"'How often do you drink?'
+
+"'Honly ven I've got the blunt to pay. Dutchmen vont trust now.'
+
+"'Did you have any money to-night?'
+
+"'Likely.'
+
+"'How did you get it?'
+
+"''Oldin' an 'orse for a cove.'
+
+"'How much did you get for that?'
+
+"'A shillin.'
+
+"'With that you bought gin?'
+
+"'Prob'bly.'
+
+"'And got drunk?'
+
+"'Poss'bly.'
+
+"'Thomas, where do you live?'
+
+"'Noveres, in p'tickler.'
+
+"'Where do you eat?'
+
+"'Vere the wittles is.'
+
+"'Where do you sleep?'
+
+"'Anyveres, so that the M.P.s can't nab me.'
+
+"'You ought to be sent to Blackwell's Island as a vagrant.'
+
+"'Des'say.'
+
+"'You've been there, have you not?'
+
+"'Mebbee.'
+
+"'Don't you know whether you've been there or not?'
+
+"'P'r'aps.'
+
+"'Are you certain of anything?'
+
+"'Dun'no.'
+
+"'Now, Thomas,' said I, in conclusion, 'I am going to let you off this
+time, but I hope you will keep sober in the future. Now, here is a
+quarter for you, to pay for your lodging to-night.'
+
+"Thomas, the non-committalist, accepted the silver.
+
+"I concluded to ask him one more question, in hopes to get a direct and
+positive answer.
+
+"'Will you use that money to pay for a bed?' I asked.
+
+"'Des'say,' said he, upon which I vamosed."
+
+The Higholdboy raised himself from his official seat before the window,
+turned round, got on his knees in the chair, leaned his head on his
+hands and his arms on the chair-back, and whilst everybody was still and
+quiet, he called out, in a stentorian voice, "Order." The effect of this
+peremptory demand was to induce considerable disorder, as no one was
+willing to be regarded out of order, even by implication, without some
+foundation. Everybody talked and nobody listened, except Mr. Dropper,
+and it was not until Mr. Quackenbush had stuffed a ham sandwich down the
+throat of the Higholdboy, thrown a box of sardines at the head of Van
+Dam, tipped over the timid Boggs, and poured a lemonade down the throat
+of Johnny Cake, that they would consent to hear what he desired to say.
+
+"Gentlemen," said Quackenbush, "that's a remarkably fine story, isn't
+it?"
+
+"Des'say," said Spout.
+
+"Werry like," responded Van Dam.
+
+"Mebbee," replied Johnny Cake.
+
+"Likely," remarked Boggs, as he picked himself up, preparatory to
+letting himself down in three chairs.
+
+Mr. Spout left his chair, and moved to that particular locality in the
+apartment where the bell-pull, leading to the bar below, was situated.
+He gave sundry pulls in accordance with the previously-arranged system
+of telegraphing, and in a few minutes they were answered by a young
+gentleman, with a tin waiter in his hands, on which were placed divers
+decoctions, which stand in better repute outside of total abstinence
+societies than inside. Each took his mixture until it came to Johnny
+Cake, when the Higholdboy passed over to him a mild beverage, called a
+port wine sangaree. Johnny refused to accept it, and announced that he
+was strict in his adherence to principle--that he never indulged in
+anything which could intoxicate. A lemonade he would indulge in
+sometimes, but a port wine sangaree--never--_never_--NEVER.
+
+When Johnny Cake had finished his indignant repudiation of the port wine
+sangaree amid the cheering of his fellow members, Mr. James George Boggs
+arose. He mounted a chair, and made an effort to speak. He was greeted
+with loud applause.
+
+As soon as these manifestations had subsided, he said:
+
+"Fellow-citizens (applause); I may say that it is with feelings of the
+most profound gratification (loud applause), that I meet, this evening,
+the members of the illustrious Elephant Club (continued applause), of
+which I am an unpretending and obscure member (renewed applause).
+Gentlemen, I do not like to appear as an apologist, and much less an
+apologist for my own shortcomings (loud and continued applause).
+Gentlemen, I protest against your unwarranted interference when I am
+trying to be funny (applause and cheers). I am a modest man, and I am
+unwilling to stand here to be fooled with (enthusiastic applause); Mr.
+Dropper, if you don't shut up your mouth, I'll knock your moustache down
+your throat (tremendous applause). Mr. Spout, you are the Higholdboy of
+this club, but I'll hit you with a brick if you don't keep better order.
+(Cries of "Order!" "Order!") If you'll stop your blasted noise, there
+will be no trouble about order. (Cries of "Go on!") Well, gentlemen, as
+I was saying that--that--that--where the devil did I leave off?
+(Applause and laughter.) There, you see that you have broken the thread
+of my remarks. (Cries of "Good!") Yes, it may be fun for you, but, as
+the boy said to the frogs, it's death to me (laughter). No, I mean as
+the Death said to the boys, it's frogs to--(renewed laughter). Go to
+thunder! I am not going to make speeches to such a set a young rascals
+as you are." (More applause.)
+
+As soon as order had restored itself, the Higholdboy ordered, at his own
+expense, a glass of apple-jack for Mr. Boggs, with the view of
+expressing, through it, his full and thorough appreciation of Boggs's
+oratory. Mr. Boggs accepted it. Inquiry was then made of Mr. Boggs as to
+what he had desired to say in his speech. He stated substantially, that,
+having been engaged in loafing about, and doing nothing, he had had no
+time to prepare a contribution for the entertainment of the club.
+
+So completely had the eloquence of Mr. Boggs riveted the attention of
+the club, that they had hardly made a commencement in disposing of the
+beverages which had been ordered; Mr. Dropper proposed that, as Johnny
+Cake was not to be employed in drinking, he having ignored the proffered
+port wine sangaree, he should occupy their time by relating his
+experience. To this he expressed his willingness to accede. He stated,
+however, that he had been on a flying visit to Illinois since his
+initiation into the Elephantine order, and that he was consequently
+unable to furnish them with any experience of an interesting nature, in
+New York. But some interesting incidents had occurred on a railroad
+train, which he had undertaken to note down, with the view of reading to
+the club.
+
+Mr. Johnny Cake here produced a roll of manuscripts, which, after he had
+straightened up his collar, he proceeded to read. The manuscript read as
+follows:--
+
+"I do not propose, now, to give you a glimpse of anything within the
+city. In fact, it is my intention to inflict upon you an
+extra-metropolitan scene, which I recently witnessed, and which, though
+funny, was not comfortable, and I don't care about experiencing it
+again."
+
+The section of country to which your attention is called was
+flat--positively flat--comparatively stale, and superlatively
+unprofitable. It was a western prairie marsh, the home of gigantic
+frogs, the abiding place of water-snakes and musk-rats; where flourished
+in luxuriant profusion, bulrushes, water-cresses, pond-lilies, and such
+like amphibious and un-get-at-able vegetables. Through that particular
+locality a train of cars was not only seen, but heard going at 2'40"
+speed over a pile-bridge, made across a Michigan swamp, by driving
+black-oak logs end-wise into the mud. The people therein were covered
+with dust, as thickly as if each man had been a locomoting Pompeii,
+each woman a perambulating Herculaneum, and some vagrant Vesuvius had
+been showering ashes on them all for a month. They were lying about
+loose in the cars, after the ordinary fashion of people on a tedious
+railway journey; curled up in some such ungraceful and uneasy positions
+as the tired beasts of a strolling menagerie probably assume in their
+cages during their forced marches across the country. To carry out the
+parallel, the conductor came along at irregular intervals, and with
+deliberate and premeditated malignity, stirred up the passengers, as if
+they were actually animals on exhibition, and he really was their
+keeper, and wanted to make them growl. And this conductor, in common
+with conductors in general, deserves notice for the diabolical ingenuity
+which he displayed in forcing from his helpless victims the greatest
+number of growls in a limited space of time.
+
+The cars had just left the flourishing prairie city of Scraggville,
+which contains seven houses and a tavern, and a ten-acre lot for a
+church, in the centre of which the minister holds forth now from a cedar
+stump. At the tavern, dinner had been served up, and the conductor,
+according to the usual custom, had started the train as soon, without
+waiting for his passengers to eat anything, as the money was collected.
+The population of our train, which exceeded that of the great city of
+Scraggville by about one hundred and seventy persons, had composed
+itself for a short nap, and the various individuals had settled as
+nearly into their old places as possible, when a man, remarkable for a
+particularly lofty shirt-collar, a wooden leg, and an unusual quantity
+of dust on the bridge of his nose, began to sing. He commenced that
+touching ballad, now so popular, "the affecting history of Vilikins and
+his Dinah." The pathos of his words, added to the unusual power of his
+voice, waked up his right-hand neighbor, before he had proceeded any
+further than to inform the listeners that,
+
+   "Vilikins vas a-valking"----
+
+This neighbor who was so suddenly aroused, and who was distinguished by
+a steeple-crowned hat, did not appear to care _where_ Vilikins was
+a-walking, or to take much interest in the particulars of the said walk,
+for he immediately turned on the other side, tied himself up in a worse
+knot than he was in before, and attempted to sleep again. He had in so
+doing shaken from the top of his mountainous hat about half a peck of
+cinders, directly into the mouth of the vocalist. The latter gentleman,
+however, seemed nothing disconcerted by this unexpected pulverulent
+donation, but, removing those particles which most interfered with his
+vocal apparatus, he proceeded with his melody. This time he progressed
+as far as to state emphatically that,
+
+   "Vilikins vas a-valkin' in his garding one day,"
+
+And was about to add the explanatory notes, that it was the "back
+garding," when his left-hand neighbor emerged from a condition of
+somnolency into a state of unusual wakefulness.
+
+The most noticeable thing about this last named individual was the
+optical fact that he had but one eye. And as this solitary orb was
+partially filled with the dust which had accumulated therein, during a
+ten hours' nap in a rail-car, over a sandy road, with a headwind, it
+might be supposed that his facilities for visual observation were
+somewhat abridged. This did not prove, however, to be the case, for with
+a single glance of this encumbered optic, he seemed to take in the
+character of the singer, and to make up his mind instanter that he was a
+good fellow and a man to be acquainted with.
+
+Acting promptly upon this extemporaneous opinion, he held out his hand
+with the remark:
+
+"I don't want to interfere with any arrangements you have made,
+stranger, but here's my hand, and my name's Wagstaff--let's be jolly."
+
+The singer had by this time got to the chorus of his song, and although
+he took the extended hand, his only immediate reply to the observations
+of one-eyed Wagstaff, was "too ral li, too ral li, too ral li la," which
+he repeated with an extra shake on the last "la," before he condescended
+to answer. And even then his observation, though poetic, was not
+particularly coherent or relevant. It was couched in the following
+language.
+
+"Jolly? yes, we'll be jolly. Old King Cole was a jolly old soul, and a
+jolly old soul was he. He called for his pipe and he called for his
+bowl--wonder if he got it? My name is Dennis, my mother's maiden name
+was Moore, so that if I'd been born before she married, I'd have been a
+poet, which I'm sorry to say, don't think it, for I ain't. I'm glad to
+see you, Mr. Wagstaff, and as you say _you're_ jolly, and propose that
+we shall _all_ be jolly, perhaps you'll favor me by coming out strong on
+the second and fourth lines of this chorus.
+
+"I'll do my little utmost," said Wagstaff.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And he _did_ do his little utmost with a will, and their united voices
+croaked up again the first man with the steeple-crowned hat, who hadn't
+got his eyes fairly opened before _he_ joined in the chorus too, and he
+gave his particular attention to it, and put in so many unexpected
+cadenzas and quavers which the composer never intended, and shakes that
+nobody else _could_ put in, and trills that his companions couldn't keep
+up with, that he fairly astonished his hearers. And he didn't stop when
+they did, but kept singing "tooral li tooral," with unprecedented
+variations, and wouldn't hold up for Dennis to sing the verses, and
+wouldn't wait for Wagstaff to take breath; but kept right on, now
+putting a long shake on "tooral," now an unheard of trill on "looral,"
+now coming out with redoubled force on the final "la," and then starting
+off again, as if his voice had run away with him and he didn't want to
+stop it, but was going to sing a perpetual chorus of unceasing "toorals"
+and never ending "loorals."
+
+For fifteen minutes his harmony was allowed uninterrupted progress, but
+at length Wagstaff, putting his hand over his mouth, thereby smothering,
+in its infancy, a strain of extraordinary power, addressed him thus:
+
+"I don't want to interfere with any of your little arrangements,
+stranger, but, if you don't stop that noise, I'll knock your head off.
+What do you mean by intruding your music upon other people's music, and
+thus mixing the breed? Don't you try to swallow my fist, you can't
+digest it."
+
+The latter part of this address was called forth by the frantic efforts
+of the unknown amateur to get his mouth away from behind Wagstaff's
+hand, which he at length accomplished, and when he had recovered his
+breath he made an effort to speak. The musical fiend, however, had got
+too strong possession of him to give up on so short a notice, and he was
+unable to speak more than ten words without introducing another touch of
+the magical chorus. The address with which he first favored his
+companions ran something after the following fashion and sounded as if
+he might have been the identical Vilikins, unexpectedly recovered from
+the effects of the "cup of cold pison," or prematurely resurrected from
+the "same grave," wherein he had been disposed by the "cruel parient" by
+the side of the lamented "Dinah."
+
+"My friends, don't interrupt the concert--too ral li, too ral li, too
+ral li la. I'll explain presently--with a too ral li, too ral li, too
+ral li la. I'm delighted to meet you--allow me to introduce myself--ral
+li la--I am a professional--loo ral li, loo ral li--man--ral li la--my
+name is Moses Overdale--with my loo ral li, loo ral li, loo ral li la."
+
+Here he stopped, evidently by a violent exertion, and shook hands with
+each of the others, and afforded such a view of his personal appearance
+as satisfied the individual of the solitary optic, and his companion of
+the vegetable leg, that they had fallen in with another original--added
+to the fact, with which they were already well acquainted, that he had a
+powerful, though not very controllable voice. Other things about the
+newly-discovered person showed him to be a man far above, or below, or,
+at least, differing from, the common run of people one meets in a
+railroad-car. His face, had it been visible to the naked eye, through
+the surrounding thicket of hair, might have passed for good-looking; but
+the hirsute crop which flourished about his head was something really
+remarkable. If each hair had possessed as many roots as a scrub oak
+sapling, and had grown the wrong way, with the roots out, there couldn't
+have been more; or if each individual hair had been grafted with a score
+of thrifty shoots, and each of them, in turn, had given off a multitude
+of sandy-colored sprouts, and each separate sprout had taken an
+unconquerable aversion to every other sprout, and was striving to grow
+in an independent direction of its own, there wouldn't have been a more
+abundant display of hair, growing towards a greater variety of hitherto
+unknown points of compass. It was so long that it concealed his neck and
+shoulders, and you could only suppose he had a throat from the certainty
+that he had a mouth. And even the mouth was in its turn ornamented with
+an overhanging moustache, of a subdued rat-color, which also was long,
+running down the corners of the jaw, and joining the rest of the beard
+on the neck below. A shirt-collar, turned down over his coat, was dimly
+visible whenever the wind was strong enough to lift the superincumbent
+hair.
+
+Taking into account the physical curtailments of Overdale's companions,
+the trio consisted of about two men and a half.
+
+Dennis now proposed that they should go on with the song, he
+volunteering to sing the verses, and requesting the reinforcements to
+show their strength when he said, "_Chorius_"--the mention of music
+excited Overdale's harmonic devil again, and he was obliged to twist his
+neckerchief until he was black in the face, to choke down an embryo,
+"tooral," which ran to his lips before the cue came, and seemed to
+insist upon an immediate and stormy exit; by dint of the most
+suffocating exertions he succeeded in keeping back the musical torrent
+until the end of the verse, when it broke forth with a vengeance.
+
+And then Wagstaff struck in, and Dennis took a long breath, and _he_
+struck in; and they waked up a couple of children, and _they_ struck in;
+and Dennis put his wooden leg on the tail of a dog, and _he_ struck in;
+and the locomotive put on the final touch, by shrieking with a frightful
+yell, as if it had boiled down into one, the squalls of eleven hundred
+freshly-spanked babies.
+
+And they kept on, Dennis singing, in a masterly manner, the historical
+part; the charms of Dinah the barbarity of the cruel parient, the
+despair of Vilikins, the death and burial of the unfortunate "lovyers,"
+their subsequent ghastly reappearance to the cruel parient, and his
+final remorse, had all been related; the "chorus of tender maidens" had
+been pathetically sung by the musical trio; the "chorus of cruel and
+unnatural parients," had been indignantly disposed of; the "chorus of
+pisoned young women," had been spasmodically executed: the "chorus of
+agonized young men, with an awful pain in the stummack," had been
+convulsively performed; the "chorus of cold corpuses," had been
+sepulchrally consummated; and the musical enthusiasts were laying out
+their most lugubrious strength on the "concluding dismal chorus of
+gloomy apparitions," when the concert was interrupted by the train
+running off the track and pitching a part of the passengers into a
+sand-bank on the right, throwing the remainder into frog-pond on the
+left, and gently depositing the engineer on a brush heap, where he was
+afterwards discovered with the bell-rope in his hand, and his legs
+covered up by the smoke-pipe.
+
+It was soon ascertained that no very serious damage was done, beyond the
+demolition of the engine, which had left the rail without cause or
+provocation, and was now lying by the side of the road with its head in
+the mud, wrong end to, bottom side up, roasting itself brown, steaming
+itself yellow, and smoking itself black, like an insane cooking-stove
+turned out-doors for misbehavior.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Overdale got out of the sand without assistance, and, save a black eye,
+and a peck or two of sand and gravel in his hair, was none the worse for
+the accident. Wagstaff crawled out of the frog pond, looking as dripping
+and juicy as a he-mermaid; while Dennis, though unconscious of any
+painful hurt, had sustained so serious a fracture of his wooden leg,
+that he found it necessary to splice it with an ironwood sapling before
+he could navigate.
+
+It being discovered that the danger was over, and that there was nothing
+more to fear, the ladies, as in duty bound, began to faint; one old
+lady fainted, and fell near the engine; happening, however, to sit down
+in a puddle of hot water, she got up quicker than she went down; young
+lady, rather pretty, fainted and fell into the arms of four or five
+gentlemen who were waiting to receive her; another young lady fainted,
+and didn't fall into anybody's arms, being cross-eyed and having a wart
+on her nose; maiden lady, ancient and fat, got near a good-looking man
+with a big moustache, and giving notice of her intention by a
+premonitory squall, shut her eyes, and fell towards moustache; she had
+better, however, have kept her eyes open, for moustache, seeing her
+coming, and making a hasty estimate of her probable weight, stepped
+aside, and the gentle creature landed in a clump of Canada thistles,
+whence she speedily recovered herself, and looked fiery indignation at
+moustache, who bore it like a martyr; young lady in pantalets and curls
+tried it, but, being inexperienced, and not having taken the precaution
+to pick out a soft place to fall, in case there didn't anybody catch
+her, she bumped her head on a stone, and got up with a black eye;
+jealous married lady, seeing her husband endeavoring to resuscitate a
+plump-looking miss, immediately extemporized a faint herself, and fell
+directly across the young miss aforesaid, contriving as she descended,
+to break her husband's spectacles by a malicious dig with her elbow; in
+fact the ladies all fainted at least once apiece, and those who received
+the most attention had an extra spasm or two before their final
+recovery, while the vicious old maids whom nobody cared for, invariably
+fell near the best-looking girls, and went into furious convulsions, so
+that they could kick them in the tender places without its being
+suspected that their intentions were not honorable.
+
+During this characteristic female performance, our musical trio had not
+been idle. Dennis had been busily engaged in splicing his wooden leg.
+Wagstaff had seized a bucket from the disabled engine, and nearly
+drowned three or four unfortunate females with dirty water from the
+frog-pond. Overdale was attracted to the side of a blue-eyed girl, who
+had swooned in a clean place, behind a concealing blackberry bush, and
+he had rubbed the skin off her hands in his benevolent exertions to
+"bring her to," and had meanwhile liberally peppered her face and neck
+with gravel-stones and sand, from the stock which had accumulated in his
+hair when he was first pitched into the sand-bank.
+
+Everybody was eventually convalescent, and likely to recover from the
+damage which nobody had sustained; the gentlemen had repented of the
+prayers which they had not said, and were now swearing ferociously about
+their fractured pocket-companions, and their broken cigars; and the
+ladies were regaling each other with multitudinous accounts of
+miraculous escapes from the horrible accidents which might have killed
+everybody, but hadn't hurt anybody. Another engine was sent for, and the
+cars ran to the end of the railroad, seventy miles, before the women
+stopped talking, or the men got anything to drink.
+
+The musical trio, whose united chorus had been so suddenly interrupted,
+met at the bar of the nearest tavern for the first time since the run
+off; their greeting was peculiar, but characteristic; when they came in
+sight of each other, they didn't speak a word, until they solemnly
+joined hands and finished the "too ral li la," which they hadn't had the
+leisure to complete at the time of their sudden separation. Overdale,
+true to his ruling passion, wouldn't stop when the others did, but was
+going on with an extra "tooral li, looral li," when Wagstaff presented a
+glass of strong brandy and water at him; the plan succeeded; he stopped
+in the midst of a most astonishing shake on the first "looral," and
+merely remarking, "To be continued," he yielded, a passive captive to
+the fluid conqueror.
+
+Subsequent conversations disclosed their future plans, and it was
+discovered that they were all journeying to the same place, New York
+city; and that their several visits had one common object, to see the
+mysteries of the town. An agreement, which I overheard, was quickly
+made, that they should remain together, and pursue, in company, their
+investigations.
+
+They proceeded harmoniously on their journey, singing "Vilikins" between
+meals every day; and when Overdale couldn't stop in the chorus at the
+the proper time, Wagstaff corked him up with a corn-cob, which he
+carried in his pocket for that purpose.
+
+It so happened that I continued on the same trains of cars with this
+interesting trio of eccentricities, until we took the steamboat at the
+Dutch village, where the State Legislature meets. After the last verse
+of their customary evening hymn had been sung, with a strong chorus, as
+they were about to shelve themselves in their state-rooms for the night,
+I heard Overdale remark to his companions:
+
+"When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or--well, no
+matter where. Dennis, you see this black eye; I have to make this
+particular request, that if this steamboat blows up in the night, and
+you take a fancy to black anybody's eye, you'll pick out somebody's
+else."
+
+"I didn't black your eye; what do you mean?"
+
+Overdale explained thus: "I could a tale unfold, which would--but I
+won't--I'll tell you how it happened, nothing extenuate or set down
+aught in malice. When that locomotive ran off the track, the shock threw
+us both, as you are aware, about fifteen feet straight up in the air--as
+I was going up, you were coming down, and you were practising some kind
+of an original pigeon-wing with your wooden leg, and, in one of its
+fantastic gyrations, it came in contact with my visual apparatus, and
+damaged my personal beauty to the extent you see;--don't do it any more,
+that's all, my friend, don't do it any more."
+
+Dennis expressed himself exceedingly sorry--"Overdale, my hairy friend,"
+said he, "at the particular time you speak of, that leg was not under my
+control, and I am not accountable for the misbehavior of that leg; but I
+solemnly promise that, if we _are_ blown up before morning, if I see
+which way you go, I will do my best to travel in a different
+direction."
+
+Each of us, myself included, then went to his state-room, achieved his
+allotted shelf, rolled himself into so small a ball that the narrow
+blankets would cover him, and laid in feverish restlessness, awaiting
+that morning bell which should summon him to disperse himself into his
+pantaloons, go on deck, and catch the first glimpse of smoky Gotham, the
+home of the undiluted elephant.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Hooror for Johnny," said Mr. Spout, as he rushed towards that
+individual to offer his congratulations. The other members followed
+suit, and Johnny, anticipating that he would be favored with a bear-like
+hug, more boisterous than pleasant, unless he acted promptly to prevent
+such a consummation, ran into one corner, squared off, and threatened to
+show an immoderate pugnacity, if they made any immoderate demonstrations
+of fraternal affection. The language and action of Johnny had the effect
+to check the enthusiasm of his friends, and they resumed their places.
+Johnny then came out, and made a peremptory demand of Mr. Spout that he
+telegraph to the saloon below for a lemonade for his (Johnny's) private
+consumption. Mr. Spout announced the impossibility of acceding to
+Johnny's demand, as there had been no signal agreed upon which should
+indicate to the individual below that a lemonade was wanted. Johnny
+said that he could not hold Mr. Spout to a strict accountability on that
+occasion, but if he did not arrange a signal to indicate his future
+wants, he should proceed to expel Mr. Spout from the club. Under
+existing circumstances, he should go down below and order personally a
+strong lemonade, to be made of considerable lemon, some sugar, and a
+good deal of water. Johnny disappeared through the door. He had been
+gone three minutes, by Quackenbush's bull's-eye silver watch, which he
+says keeps excellent time as long as he hires a boy to move the
+balance-wheel, when the Higholdboy arose, and proposed "The health of
+the Elephant--may his shadow never be less," which was to be drunk in
+silence, standing. All the members had assumed an erect position,
+required for the performance of this imposing ceremony, when a yell of
+such prodigious dimensions, entitling it to be called a roar, followed
+by a most extraordinary clattering outside the door, as of three persons
+trying to ascend abreast a flight of stairs only wide enough for one,
+and quarrelling about the precedence, and in the intervals of their
+emphatic remarks to each other uttering cries of exultant triumph, as if
+they had made some long-sought discovery, suddenly petrified the various
+members into flesh and blood statues with breeches on, and mouths open.
+Not long, however, did they remain thus inactive, for a mighty rush from
+the outside carried the door from its hinges, knocked Mr. Quackenbush,
+the stalwart guardian of the portal, into a far corner of the room, and
+disclosed to the astonished gaze of the assembled Elephantines, the
+forms of three individuals, to them unknown. The action of the
+Higholdboy, who first recovered his senses and his presence of mind, is
+worthy of remembrance. Keeping both eyes fixed upon one of the
+intruders, he deliberately drank the contents of his tumbler, and then,
+taking a cool aim, he threw the glass-ware at him. This act of the
+Higholdboy was regarded as an announcement, by implication, that
+crockery and glass-ware could be used on the present occasion
+offensively, and accordingly the other members followed the example of
+their chief. For a few minutes the destruction of property was great,
+and the more so, as, whenever a tumbler, plate, bottle, or any other
+similar missile fell to the floor unfractured, one of the three
+intruding parties would stamp on it with one of his feet, and pulverize
+it instanter. When the crockery was all disposed of, the assault was
+renewed with lemons, crackers, bologna sausages, and whatever
+projectiles remained, and the chairs and tables would have undoubtedly
+followed suit, had not the precaution previously taken, of chaining them
+up, precluded the possibility of their being used for this purpose. The
+result of this peculiar reception of the intruding parties was the
+temporary demolition of one, who had been hit over the head with the
+lemon-squeezer, and knocked down in the corner behind the chair of the
+Higholdboy. The second person had rolled himself up in a heap as well as
+he could, drew his head into his coat, and seemed resigned to whatever
+might be his fate. The third, however, made no resistance whatever, but
+rushed into one corner, turned his face to the wall, in which position
+he sustained for five minutes a brilliant cannonade of lemons, Boston
+crackers, with an occasional bomb in the shape of a nut-cracker and
+doughnut, for which affectionate tokens of respect he was indebted to
+the kindness of Van Dam, who bestowed upon him his undivided attention.
+
+At the moment when the utter defeat of the invaders was shown to be a
+fixed fact, Johnny Cake reëntered the room. He saw the confusion which
+was everywhere apparent, and his first inquiry was as to the cause.
+Before he had been answered his eyes caught a sight of the party in the
+corner, who had ventured to turn his face around.
+
+"Here," said Johnny, "you've got one of my railroad party, whose
+adventures I have detailed to you this evening."
+
+"The devil!" said Spout.
+
+"How unfortunate!" remarked Quackenbush.
+
+"Are you seriously injured?" asked Van Dam of the man in the corner, who
+was no other than Overdale.
+
+"Nary time," was Overdale's response. "But where's Dennis?" he asked.
+
+"Here," said Dennis, as a head was seen to protrude from itself a
+coat-collar, like a tormented turtle from its shell, and, after some
+scrambling, Mr. Damon Dennis was erect and experimenting with his wooden
+leg, with the view of ascertaining whether it had suffered another
+fracture since the railroad experience.
+
+Wagstaff also essayed forth from behind the capacious seat of the
+presiding dignitary of the club, and, after shaking the wrinkles out of
+himself, was once more himself.
+
+Johnny Cake here introduced himself to the parties. They remembered him
+as having been one of the audience which listened to their free and easy
+concerts whilst travelling. They were then successively introduced to
+the different members of the club, all of whom expressed their regrets
+at having received them in so informal a manner, whilst Dennis,
+Overdale, and Wagstaff, protested that the apologies were useless, as
+they should not have made such an informal call. Mr. Spout again
+operated the telegraph for all parties, and when they were once more
+seated, Johnny Cake called on their uninvited guests for an explanation
+as to how they had found out their location. The statement was given by
+all three of the parties in disconnected sentences, sometimes one
+talking, and sometimes all. The narrations occupied about an hour in
+their delivery, and were replete with interest, but too long to be
+incorporated _verbatim_ into these veracious records. The facts
+disclosed, however, were substantially these:
+
+After leaving the steamboat, they made their way to the Shanghae Hotel,
+without loss of life or further limb. Each had his carpet-bag in his
+hand, and having made a demonstration towards the hall-door, the
+attendants came out to relieve them of their loads. Unused as they were
+to a reception of this kind, their greeting was rather peculiar than
+otherwise. Overdale put his hands on his pockets, and told _his_
+gentleman to clear out. Wagstaff, with great presence of mind, knocked
+_his_ down instanter. Dennis started to run, but finding his wooden leg
+impeded his speed, sat flat down on the sidewalk and called for a
+constable. Being eventually satisfied that the intentions of the
+individuals were honorable, they went into the house and placed their
+names on the register; Overdale, who did not understand this last
+performance, expressing his surprise that they should be required to
+sign a note for their board as soon as they came into the house. They
+were shown to separate rooms, and each proceeded to make himself as
+comfortable as his limited knowledge of the uses of the bedroom
+furniture would admit, preparatory to making his appearance in the
+dining-room. They were all shown this latter part of the establishment,
+after they had visited, arm-in-arm, the barber's shop, the ladies'
+parlor, and the hat-shop next door, in their vain search for something
+to eat.
+
+As they entered the room, and the head waiter approached, for the
+purpose of showing them some seats, Overdale took his arm, and, having
+marched the whole length of the room, was finally seated at one end of
+the table, while his two companions were accommodated with chairs
+immediately opposite. Their exploits at their first dinner in the city
+were many--being all of them ignorant of napkins, and innocent of silver
+forks, their performances with those unknown articles were something out
+of the common order.
+
+Having recovered from their first impression, that the bills of fare
+were religious tracts, left for the spiritual improvement of the
+boarders, by the Moral Reform Society, and having ascertained that they
+were in some way connected with the science of gastronomy, they
+proceeded to call for whatever they imagined would suit their palates.
+Wagstaff began with tarts, then taking a fancy to a jelly, he reached
+for them, and devoured them all, seventeen in number; and concluded his
+dinner by eating a shad without picking out the bones.
+
+Dennis, had somewhere heard of ice cream, for which frigid monstrosity
+he immediately called; when it came, not knowing exactly how to dispose
+of it, and perceiving that other people made use of the bottles from the
+caster-stand, he concluded that it would be proper to season his cream
+in like manner. He began with the pepper, followed it with vinegar, kept
+on to the Cayenne, added a good quantity of oil, drowned it with
+ketchup, and then with unusual impartiality, not wishing to neglect any
+of the bottles, he poured Worcestershire sauce over the whole. He eat it
+with the mustard-spoon and pronounced it excellent.
+
+Overdale seeing a gentleman, on leaving the table, throw down his
+napkin, called to him across the room that he had dropped his
+handkerchief, and then with the consciousness of having done a
+neighborly turn, he proceeded to eat his dinner. He studied for some
+time over his own napkin, but eventually concluded that it would be
+proper to put it in his chair, so that he would not soil the cushion,
+and accordingly disposed of it in that manner, and sat down upon it with
+great care, for fear he should tear it. He then opened his bill of fare
+at the wine-list, and after puzzling for some time over the names, put
+his finger in the middle, and told the waiter he would "have some of
+that." The servant perceiving how matters stood, and having compassion
+on his queer customer, brought him some soup. He at once set to work to
+eat it with his fork, in which attempt he scalded both his mouth and his
+fingers, whereupon he drank the water in his finger-bowl to cool his
+mouth, and wiped his fingers in his hair to reduce their temperature.
+The considerate waiter came once more to the rescue, and brought him
+some beef, and also performed the same kindness for Dennis, and probably
+saved him from absolute starvation. But Overdale, never remarkable for
+strict temperance, looked for something to drink, and perceiving nothing
+that looked juicy, save the bottles in the castor-stand, he took out one
+of them, and having filled an egg-cup with the contents thereof, drank
+it down. As it was salad oil, he did not feel disposed to repeat the
+experiment. Having cleaned his nails with a nut-pick, and pared an apple
+with a fish-slice, he concluded his performances by putting half a dozen
+fried oysters in his pocket and leaving the table.
+
+At night they went immediately to bed, only finding their own rooms
+after poking their heads into every other apartment on the same floor,
+and eventually securing the services of the chambermaid as a guide.
+
+Overdale having got this lady to light his gas, was not able to get to
+bed without doing something further extraordinary, so wishing to open
+his window, he called a boy to his door twenty-seven times, by pulling
+at the bell-rope, which he imagined to be connected, in some
+inexplicable manner, with the sash. He was at last ready to go to sleep,
+when he blew out his gas, and laid down on the carpet, covering himself
+with the hearth-rug, fearing to get into the bed lest he should rumple
+the sheets. He woke up subsequently, and yelled for a waiter. One
+happened to be passing in the hall at that moment, and answered his
+call. Overdale asked where the tavern-keeper was, as he wanted too see
+him. He didn't want to be imposed upon, if he was from the country, and
+considered it a huge imposition to put a man into a room which was right
+over an asafoetida factory. The waiter comprehended the nature of Mr.
+Overdale's difficulty, and explained to him the nature of carburetted
+hydrogen, and the mistake that he had made in blowing out the light,
+instead of turning off the gas. Mr. Overdale thanked the waiter for his
+valuable information, and after waiting for the room to be well
+ventilated, he retired to rest--this time, however, in the bed, the
+waiter having kindly explained to him that the bed-clothing was nicely
+adjusted for the express purpose of being rumpled up, in order to give
+employment to a useful class of the community known as chambermaids.
+
+In the morning, by one of those curious coincidences which we know do
+happen, but for which we cannot account, our three rural friends found
+themselves, at precisely eight o'clock, in the bar-room, before the bar,
+and calling upon the major for something to drink. Each drank, after
+which they went in to breakfast.
+
+The bill of fare not being so complicated as the one on the dinner-table
+the day previous, and being printed in good readable English, they had
+no difficulty in procuring breakfast entirely to their satisfaction.
+After arising, and supplying themselves with cigars, they started out on
+an exploring expedition through the city.
+
+Overdale, having read a good deal about the various "lions" of the town,
+assumed to know all about it, and therefore Dennis and Wagstaff
+acquiesced in his taking the lead; Wagstaff taking notes of everything
+for the benefit of his children when he returned home.
+
+They strayed into Taylor's saloon, which Overdale informed them was the
+Crystal Palace. Gurney's Daguerreotype Gallery he stated was the
+American Art Union. The three then took the cars on the corner of Canal
+street and Broadway, Overdale remarking that he hoped all their lives
+were insured, as they were now on the Camden and Amboy Railroad. Dennis
+hoped they would run off the track in such a way that his wooden leg
+would be again broken. He would then retire for a few weeks, swear that
+he had lost a leg by the accident, sue the company for fifty thousand
+dollars damages, compromise by accepting ten thousand, and then go to
+Kansas and set up a faro bank. As they passed the Jefferson Market
+fire-alarm bell-tower, Overdale said it was a shot tower, erected in
+revolutionary times. They then arrived at the real Crystal Palace, which
+Overdale declared answered to the descriptions he had read of Fulton
+Market. The submarine armor which was on exhibition, he explained was a
+flying machine. The statue of the Amazon was noted down in Wagstaff's
+book, upon the authority of Overdale, as a cast-iron black foot squaw,
+on a prairie mustang. The fountain was announced to be a patent
+frog-pond. After writing down an accurate description of the
+fire-engines and hose-carts (the first of which Overdale supposed to be
+perpetual self-acting locomotives, and the second a newly-invented
+threshing machine), Wagstaff proposed they should leave. The Croton
+Reservoir, Overdale stated was the gas-works. They then ascended the
+Latting Observatory, which their intelligent informant assured them was
+Trinity Church. From the altitude they here attained, they were favored
+with a view of a large extent of country. Overdale called the attention
+of his companions to the High Bridge over the Harlem river, of which
+they had an excellent view. He said that it was one of the few gigantic
+relics of the architecture of the Norsemen, whom he stated populated
+this country ten centuries before Columbus sculled over here in a
+scow-boat. This was the same bridge, he further remarked, which Edgar A.
+Hood, a historian, and an intimate friend of Nicholas Galileo, a poet of
+the sixteenth century, had spoken of as "bridge of size." Mr. Overdale
+stated that the squadron of pleasure-yachts anchored at Hoboken were a
+number of clam-sloops, which had probably been abandoned by their
+owners, because they were old and unseaworthy. Jersey City, he was
+inclined to believe, from its general description and situation, was the
+Sixth Ward, which he further stated was in the centre of the Five
+Points. The Penitentiary on Blackwell's Island, of which they had an
+excellent view, he informed them was the City Hall--the regular resort
+of the Common Scoundrels of the city. When they left the Observatory
+they strayed over into Avenue D, which, upon the word of the intelligent
+Overdale, Wagstaff described in his book as the Bowery. After mistaking
+the Dry Dock for the Battery, and a Williamsburg ferry boat for a
+Collins steamer, they continued to wander about, making divers mistakes,
+all of which were faithfully noted down as facts in Wagstaff's notebook.
+At eight o'clock in the evening, they found themselves in the Franklin
+Museum, whither they had gone on Overdale's invitation, to visit the
+Free Love Club. When the performance was over they sallied out, and
+fetched up in a German lager-bier saloon in William street, where the
+assembled Teutons were singing their national airs. For a moment
+Overdale was in doubt, but, after two minutes' thought, he informed his
+friends that they were in the Academy of Music, listening to an Italian
+Opera. When they left they were full of music, they having caught the
+inspiration from being in the presence of foreign artists, and
+immediately commenced to sing once more "Vilikins and his Dinah," with a
+strong chorus, but were almost immediately choked down by the police.
+They wandered about disconsolate, inquiring frequently of some hurrying
+passer-by where they could find the elephant, and receiving in reply to
+their interrogations a great variety of directions as to his
+whereabouts, from disinterested persons, all of which they noted down
+for reference. They searched an hour and a half for "my uncle, in the
+second story of the Fifth Avenue Railroad," which individual, they had
+been informed, could give them the desired information; they walked
+about four miles in search of "No. 1 'round the corner," at which place
+they had been assured, by a venerable female of Milesian accent who sold
+peanuts on the curb-stone, they would undoubtedly find the wished-for
+quadruped on exhibition. In the course of this latter search, as they
+were about to venture into a promising-looking saloon, for the purpose
+of procuring something to allay their thirst, Wagstaff caught a glimpse
+of the miniature elephant which was over the door of the club-room; and
+imagining that he had discovered the veritable animal, he uttered a cry
+of joy which attracted his companions to the same object, upon which
+they made a grand rush up the flight of stairs. Where they got to, and
+how they were received, is already told.
+
+When the narrative had been concluded, Mr. John Spout, the Higholdboy
+of the club, declared in solemn terms, that, by virtue of his office,
+the three persons whose adventures had just been related by themselves
+should be henceforth considered members of the Elephantine order. He
+added that any member might object if he chose, but it wouldn't do him
+any good, as he should immediately overrule the objection, and kick the
+daring objector down stairs.
+
+This persuasive manner of addressing the members had the desired effect.
+They were convinced by the gentle logic of their dignified superior
+officer, and they could not have the heart to oppose him had they felt
+so inclined.
+
+Messrs. Wagstaff, Overdale, and Dennis, who were thus so summarily
+promoted, were solemnly sworn in on a boiled ham, after which all hands
+joined in singing, "We won't go home till morning." It may be proper to
+add, in respect to this last musical asseveration, and as a deserved
+tribute to the veracity of the persons concerned, that when they said
+they wouldn't go home till morning, _they didn't_.
+
+
+
+
+THE COLORED CAMP-MEETING.
+
+   There is a divinity that shapes our ends,
+   Rough----
+
+SHAKSPEARE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+An evening or two after the facts related in the last chapter of this
+veritable and never-to--be-believed history, the members of the club
+were seated in silent deliberation round their table, each man smoking a
+short pipe by a special order of the council; an unusual commotion was
+noticed at the end of the table where John Spout was supposed to be
+anchored. First the smoke, which had settled, in a thick, hazy layer,
+upon everything, and concealed the members from each other, as if they
+had mutually pulled the wool over each other's eyes until all were for
+a time invisible, was observed to wave to and fro, as if agitated by
+some powerfully moving cause, concealed from the observers by the
+fragrant tobacco fog which had been raised by the joint exertions of the
+assembled multitude. A few minutes more disclosed the arm of John Spout,
+working like an insane windmill, backwards and forwards, to open a clear
+space, and make himself visible to the naked eye.
+
+After the lapse of some little time, and the expenditure of no small
+amount of muscular power in this interesting exercise, the ruddy
+beef-face of the Higholdboy beamed forth from the encircling mist, like
+a good-natured light-house, which had been on a spree the night before,
+and got up with a red nose, in consequence of the nocturnal dissipation.
+As soon as he had cleared a space about him large enough for him to
+speak without danger of suffocation, he announced that he had a
+proposition to lay before the honorable body, and proceeded to state
+that he had observed in a morning paper an advertisement of a
+camp-meeting, to be held at a distance from the city easily accessible,
+by a 2'40" team, in a couple of hours. He, moreover, went on to say,
+that the presiding officers of the gospel-hunt were to be of a sable
+complexion, and that the greater part of the congregation was expected
+to be of the same color--in fact, it was to be what a Bowery boy would,
+in his peculiar, but not inexpressive dialect, call a "Nigger Methodist
+Camp Meeting." The proposition of the pious Mr. Spout was that the
+Elephants should pack their pockets, and proceed to the scene of action,
+for the purpose of picking up any superfluous piety that might be lying
+around loose, and of making themselves generally agreeable, and having a
+good time all round.
+
+The suggestion was listened to with approval, and it was unanimously
+
+_Resolved_, that the Elephants proceed to the campground in the morning.
+
+A special committee, consisting of the entire club, was appointed to see
+that every person was provided with all the necessaries of life, and the
+requisites for having a juicy time.
+
+In consideration of his being the mover of the scheme, it was moved that
+J. Spout, Esq., should be empowered to procure from the livery-stable
+the necessary conveyances, and should become personally responsible for
+the same.
+
+The proposition was agreed to, with a clause to the effect that when he
+paid the bill he should treat the company with the change.
+
+Each man then appointed every other man a committee to raise the means,
+and keep himself sober until the appointed hour, after which they
+adjourned to prepare.
+
+At eight, by the City Hall clock (and, of course, half-past eight by
+every other clock in the city) next morning, the convention was
+incomplete.
+
+For an hour there were three men lacking; but Mr. John I. Cake finally
+made his appearance, with his breeches tucked into his boots, a
+horsewhip in his hand, and a suspicious-looking protuberance immediately
+over his left coat pocket. The attention of the company being called to
+this, Johnny explained by saying that it was his Testament and
+hymn-book, and that he had been all the morning engaged in turning down
+the leaves at the proper places, so that he might not be interrupted in
+his devotions. A half hour longer was appropriated in waiting for
+Wagstaff and Overdale, but at the end of that time, those two worthies
+failing to appear, the party resolved to start without them, Boggs
+remarking, that if those tardy individuals failed to reach Heaven
+because of their religious shortcomings, they could not say, in
+extenuation of their offence, that their fraternal Elephants had not
+waited a sufficient time to give them an opportunity for salvation.
+
+The vehicles provided for the occasion were two single buggies, into
+which all seven of the party were to pack themselves, a feat which was
+finally accomplished, much to the detriment of Johnny Cake's
+shirt-collar, and greatly to the discomfiture of Quackenbush, who had to
+sit in behind, and let his legs hang over.
+
+Van Dam took the reins of the foremost carriage, and his first exploit
+was to run the wheel against the curb-stone, and spill the party into a
+coal-hole, from which they were rescued by the exertions of the
+bystanders. They once more started on their journey, under the
+supervision of Quackenbush, who was recalled from the stern of the
+craft, and made to assume the guidance of the crazy horse.
+
+Van Dam, on being deprived of his charge, immediately went to sleep, and
+waked no more, except when his companions roused him to pay the toll,
+which they did at every gate, until there was no more small change in
+his pockets than there is gunpowder in a tom-cat, after which they
+offered to pay every time with a twenty-dollar bill, and as no one would
+assume the responsibility of changing it, they passed free, and
+proceeded merrily enough until they reached the encampment of the devout
+darkeys.
+
+There being no taverns immediately adjoining, the horses were made as
+comfortable as circumstances would admit of, under a beech-tree, in a
+clover-field, and the human part of the Elephantine delegation marched
+in an exceedingly irregular procession to the camp ground; the line of
+march being occasionally thrown into disorder by John Spout, who
+persisted in making protracted and strenuous efforts to squeeze
+something wet out of a Schiedam schnapps bottle, which had been dry as a
+powder-horn ever since Quackenbush had his last pull at it.
+
+A description of the sylvan scene which met their metropolitan gaze may
+not be out of place.
+
+It was in a clearing, in a piece of beech and maple woods. Stands were
+erected for some of the prominent speakers; slabs were laid from stump
+to stump, for the accommodation of such of the brothers and sisters as
+desired to sit still and listen to the preaching, and in places straw
+was laid on the ground, for the special benefit of such as had the
+"power," and wanted to get down on the ground and have a private tussle
+with the devil on their own account. Stands were erected under the
+trees, in the shadiest spots, by enterprising white folks, for the sale
+of gingerbread and root-beer, and it was rumored that some speculators,
+distrusting the appearance of the "sperits of just men made perfeck,"
+had supplied their place with other spirits, full as potent and equally
+reliable.
+
+The grass might have been agreeable to look upon at a distance, but a
+close inspection showed it to be full of pismires; the stumps would have
+been commodious seats, if they had not been most of them previously
+appropriated by black-snakes; the sleeping places would have been tents,
+if they had not been huts, and a poetical fancy might have pictured them
+as being constructed of canvas, white as the driven snow, but the
+practical mind instantly discovered that they were made of oak slabs and
+dirty horse-blankets. Some imaginative people would have set down the
+speaking of the ministers as eloquence if not inspiration, but a
+critical individual would have found fault with the bad grammar, and
+insinuated that the inspiration was all perspiration.
+
+At the north end of the ground, a big darkey in his shirt-sleeves was
+mounted on a platform, preaching to a crowd, who seemed, by their
+vermicular contortions, to be possessed of a legion of eely devils. On
+the west side, a fat wench was stirring up the fire under a big kettle
+of soup, seemingly composed principally of onions and ham; in a sly
+corner a red-shirt b'hoy was displaying the mysterious evolutions of
+the "little joker," and two small specimens of ebony juvenility were
+playing euchre on a basswood log; opposite to these, mounted on a cider
+barrel, a molasses-colored gentleman was going through a rather
+extraordinary performance; he had preached till his audience had all
+left him; then shouted "Hallelujah," and "Glory," till he was hoarse;
+had sung hymns in a spasmodic whisper till his voice gave entirely out,
+and now, in despair at being unable to speak, yet compelled to work off
+his superabundant religion, as if he were a locomotive with too big a
+head of steam on, he was dancing on one leg, and kicking the other about
+in a kind of perpetual pigeon-wing, and tossing his arms upwards in a
+wild and original manner, as if he was using his utmost endeavors to
+climb to heaven on an invisible tarred rope.
+
+To the shouts of the men, and the screams of the women who had got too
+much religion, was added the laughter of the outsiders, who hadn't got
+enough religion, and the swearing of the gamblers, who hadn't got any
+religion; and to complete the harmony, from a neighboring pasture was
+wafted the roars of a herd of cattle, applauding, in their own peculiar
+manner, an extemporaneous bull-fight.
+
+Mr. Dropper gave it as his opinion, that camp-meeting religion, if
+analyzed, would be found to consist of equal parts of rum, rowdyism, and
+insanity. As, however, it was deemed improper to decide without a
+complete examination of the premises, it was resolved to proceed in
+company to explore the place.
+
+Quackenbush, who had resumed his nap on the grass, was roused, and after
+getting the grasshoppers out of his hair, the sand-flies out of his
+ears, and pulling off his boots to look for centipedes, he was declared
+ready for active duty, and they proceeded on their march.
+
+They found in a side hut of more pretentious appearance than the rest,
+that there was something unusual going on, and upon inquiring,
+discovered that one of the fragrant flock having transgressed, he was
+then having his trial before the "session."
+
+The party moved on to where the minister in his shirt-sleeves was
+edifying a small, but select, not to say noisy, congregation. The
+audience seemed to be affected much in the same manner as a strong shock
+of electricity will stir up a crowd of boys who have all got hold of the
+same wire. As there seemed to be a prospect of fun, the Elephants made a
+temporary halt to witness the same.
+
+The sermon was now concluded, and the shirt-sleeve-man kneeled down on
+the platform and began to pray; he must have had no inconsiderable
+amount of similar exercise before, for the knees of his pantaloons were
+worn entirely through, and there was a large hole behind where he had
+sat upon his heels.
+
+No sooner had he fairly commenced praying than some of the more
+energetic in the crowd began to groan; when he made a thorny point, and
+said something about the "arrow of conviction," some fat wench would
+sing out "Glory;" when he put in a touch about hell fire and other
+torrid climates, they would cry out "Yes, Lord." And when he put in an
+extra lick about repentance, and death, and damnation, and other
+pleasant luxuries, the whole crowd fairly screamed with excitement.
+
+At length a powerful darkey, with a head like a cord of No. 1 curled
+hair, and with nothing on to hide his black anatomy but a pair of thin
+breeches and a blue shirt, began to give unequivocal manifestations of
+the workings of his faith; first he kicked a woman with his right leg,
+then he kicked a little boy with his left, then he punched one of the
+brethren in the stomach, then he stepped on the toes of a grey-haired
+class-leader, but, as both were barefooted, no harm was done; then he
+yelled like seven Indians, and howled like seven Irishmen, and danced
+about like a whole regiment of crazy Dutchmen. When he opened his mouth,
+the minister dodged the yawning chasm, and the man fell down and
+sprawled about in the mud, striking about with his arms and legs, as if
+he were swimming on a bet, and was only two minutes from the stake-boat.
+At last he ceased to move, and stiffened out as if he had suddenly
+swallowed a rifle-barrel, which stuck in his throat like Macbeth's amen.
+The damaged brethren gathered round; the sisters, after giving their
+injured shins a consoling rub, also came to the rescue, and the man was
+picked up. He was foaming at the mouth; his teeth were set together so
+that a fence-stake was required to pry them apart; his shirt was
+unbuttoned (his pantaloons had unbuttoned themselves); a pailful of
+water out of the nearest frog-pond was dashed in his face, and he soon
+so far recovered himself as to ask for corn whisky. All immediately
+sang, with a strong chorus, a thanksgiving hymn, that his soul was
+saved; though what connection there was between corn whisky and
+salvation puzzled the Elephantines some, if not more.
+
+When this interesting episode in the day's performance was concluded,
+the participants picked themselves up, and prepared to again besiege
+Satan in his stronghold, the north side of Sebastopol of the hearts of
+sinful niggers. Singing was the first feature, and the hymn was of a
+style unique, and, to the Elephants, highly refreshing. In point of
+comparison they had never known anything like it, and the execution was
+incomparable to anything known to exist by them. An athletic colored
+individual sang the words of the hymn, and, after each verse, the whole
+congregation would join in the swelling chorus.
+
+The effect of the hymn was electric. No less than twenty-seven colored
+females were seized with spasmodic religion, whilst over a dozen of the
+sterner sex found themselves unable to longer resist the thirsting of
+the spirit for religious nourishment, and they, too, fell over, and,
+amid the howling, kicking, singing, shouting and indescribable confusion
+that followed, Mr. Quackenbush expressed it as his opinion that chaos
+had come.
+
+But Mr. Boggs was seriously affected by the performance. He fell down in
+the grass, and laughed, and rolled, and positively refused to be
+comforted or get up, until the rest of the company ran sticks in his
+ears, and put last year's chestnut-burs down his back. When he had
+sufficiently recovered, the members of the club renewed their
+investigations. They listened to several exhortations and hymns, and
+then peeped under the horse-blanket tents. In one they saw a youthful
+wench, trying to pray with her mouth full of cold sausage. Her efforts
+were useless, and becoming satisfied of this fact herself, she
+concluded, very sensibly, to no longer try to save her soul on an empty
+stomach, but see to her bodily wants first. Before she had got ready to
+pray again she had drank a pint of gin, which so heightened her
+religious enthusiasm that she made a dive among the pious elders, gave
+four shouts of glory, and fell into the arms of a venerable gentleman,
+who divided his time for the next hour in kissing the young sister, and
+crying amen and glory in alternation.
+
+At last, the Elephants concluded to return to the city. They piled
+themselves into the vehicles, and by means of sundry persuasive
+arguments, the horses were induced to reach the livery-stable, rather
+warm, inside of two hours.
+
+After the party had stowed away divers beefsteaks and onions, and other
+articles of food, they ascended into the club-room. Here they found
+Overdale and Wagstaff, both asleep. They were awakened, and, in a
+peremptory manner, the Higholdboy demanded to know why they had not
+been on hand in the morning at the place of rendezvous, to witness the
+sable performance in the rural districts. The answers of the two
+offending individuals differed. Wagstaff assigned as a reason that he
+was asleep, whereas Overdale stated that he wasn't awake. The Higholdboy
+announced himself satisfied with the answers.
+
+
+
+
+FURTHER DISCOVERIES.
+
+   "There is a tide in the affairs of men,
+   Which taken at the flood leads on----"
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WITH the facts contained in our last chapter, the members of the
+Elephantine order may be said to have fairly begun their herculean
+labors. Certain it is that all the spare time they could command was
+devoted to an investigation into the particular speciality in zoölogical
+science, for which the club had been organized; and certain it is that
+the prospect of some rare contribution from members at the next regular
+meeting was good.
+
+The meeting night arrived at length, the members were all present, and
+punctual to the hour.
+
+The Higholdboy had brought with him a pair of boxing-gloves, which he
+announced were to be used in this wise: He was determined to keep order
+in the meetings, and this, too, even if he had to resort to severe means
+to do so. But actuated by the same feelings of benevolence which
+animated the legislators who caused the passage of laws to prevent
+cruelty to animals, he did not want to do physical injury to the
+refractory members of the club. Therefore, he had brought the aforesaid
+boxing-gloves, so that when he knocked a member down, he wouldn't either
+draw blood or give him a black eye.
+
+This humane considerateness on the part of Mr. Spout was warmly
+commended by the brethren, and Mr. Quackenbush, in behalf of the club,
+
+_Resolved_, that the Higholdboy is a model presiding officer.
+
+This resolution in behalf of the club was adopted by Mr. Quackenbush.
+
+Overdale here arose and said that he fully coincided with the spirit of
+the resolution; he had a proposition to make, however, which was to
+order up some cold corned beef, celery, mustard, rolls, and butter,
+provided he would consent to let the members keep order after their own
+fashion.
+
+This appeal to Mr. Spout's feelings was irresistible, and he gave his
+full consent, saying that that was all he had contemplated under any
+circumstances, and if they could ring in Overdale for the feed, it was
+so much gained. It was accordingly ordered that Overdale give his order.
+
+Mr. Boggs said that boxing-gloves forcibly reminded him of some
+experience he had had several years previously. Though a person by no
+means thin, and notwithstanding the fact that he had been for years
+troubled with chronic good health, yet, from reading at that time
+various physiological works, he had become convinced, that from the want
+of proper physical training, his dissolution might be considered near at
+hand, unless he took immediate measures to save his precious life by
+means of active exercise. He accordingly visited the gymnasiums, but the
+idea of putting himself into such fantastic shapes as he saw young men
+doing, was to him not to be thought of. Further, he was decidedly
+opposed to the idea of making himself the laughing-stock of a set of
+young rascals by his awkward efforts in his incipient progress. Whilst
+he was yet undecided, a friend suggested to him that he procure a couple
+of pairs of boxing-gloves, and practise with them. "Having purchased the
+gloves," continued Mr. Boggs, "I was still at a loss to know how to
+proceed. I didn't want to practice with anybody, because I knew that my
+awkwardness would make mirth for them, and to this I was decidedly
+opposed. Under these circumstances I resorted to other means. In the
+garret of the house in which I lived was a mammoth stove--in fact,
+gentlemen, a stove which I could strike and not knock over, which would
+not laugh at me in my attacks, and therefore a stove with which I made
+up my mind to have a few rounds each day.
+
+"The next day I went up into the garret. There stood the sable champion
+of heavy weight, and, for the first time in my life, I stripped myself
+of my coat, to fight without being appalled. The stove loomed up in
+giant proportions; I stood before it, and squared off as well as I knew
+how. I imagined I saw the stove's right fist coming at my left eye. I
+parried off the blow, which, without doubt, would have been aimed at me,
+had the stove had a right fist as I imagined, and with my right fist I
+planted a stunner in the place where his bread-basket should have been.
+The result was a powerful reaction, and I found myself sprawling on the
+floor. I ascertained that I was not damaged, and wisely determined then
+that I would not strike such powerful blows in the future.
+
+"I again squared off, and began putting in the blows in rapid
+succession, whilst I managed successfully to keep my adversary from
+hitting me in even one of the many attempts which I imagined he made. I
+kept up the practice about an hour.
+
+"The next day I resumed my practice, and I kept it up for several weeks,
+when I fancied that I was sufficiently expert to 'travel on my muscle.'
+
+"To be sure, I had fought an inanimate object, which could not strike;
+still, in the tussles I had imagined the stove striking at me from all
+conceivable directions, and I had not only been able to guard-off these
+imaginary blows, but I had shown the stove that I could put in a few
+astonishers between times.
+
+"I was ready now for practice with a living adversary. But who was he to
+be? that was the question. I was still unwilling to call in any of my
+acquaintances, as I might possibly after all be found _veni, vidi,
+vici_, as we say in the classics, which, when translated into English,
+means weighed in the balance and found short (suppressed snickers).
+
+"One day, as I was cogitating upon the matter in front of the house, a
+big nigger, full six feet in height, came along. He looked as if he
+wanted a job, and with a good deal of trepidation, I ventured to ask him
+if I was right in supposing him anxious to make a half-dollar. I found
+him to be an eager candidate for any position, from a cashier of a
+bogus bank up to a boot-black. I took him up in the garret and disclosed
+to him the nature of my desires, and took occasion to inform him that I
+would give him a half-dollar for two hours services per day, and a
+quarter in addition never to say a word about the matter; to this he
+assented, and I told him to put on the gloves. He took the dirty pair
+out of respect to me (not taking into consideration the probable
+consequence to me, in case of his succeeding in putting in a few licks),
+and I took the clean pair.
+
+"We squared off, and occupied a minute or two in preliminary practice; I
+felt fully confident that I could manage him quite as easily as I had
+the stove, and after telling him to do his best, I proceeded to give him
+a poke in his breast. We gradually warmed in the work, the blows passed
+more frequently, and as we proceeded I became conscious of the fact that
+I managed to put in almost one blow to his three. I then made my
+calculations to give the nigger a regular rib riser, and just as I was
+about to consummate this well digested plan, I became apprised that
+something important had happened; what it was I was unable for a minute
+or two to decide; several thoughts passed rapidly through my mind. One
+idea I had was, that a bombshell from Sebastopol had exploded in the
+identical premises which I was then occupying. But this gave way to
+another, which was that New York had been tipped over into Buttermilk
+Channel; then again, I thought that somebody was using my head for a
+rattle-box; several other theories suggested themselves to me, all of
+which were equally reasonable. But at any-rate the cause of the peculiar
+sensations was soon solved. The nigger had given me a clip, covering the
+lower part of my proboscis, my mouth, and chin, had set my nose
+bleeding, and cut my lips somewhat against my teeth, and the blood was
+flowing profusely.
+
+"I looked around for the nigger, but he had disappeared; the probability
+is that he thought he had been the cause of my death, and fearing an
+indictment for murder, had vamosed without stopping to get his fifty
+cents.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I picked myself up as well as I could, and travelled down stairs to my
+room. A look into the mirror presented to my view an interesting picture
+of my self; not only were my nose and lips swollen, but the gloves which
+the nigger had on, being blackened with the stove-blacking, had
+communicated the metallic polish to my face and shirt, so that both
+were of a beautiful sheet-iron color. I kept my room for ten days; sent
+word to the landlady that I had the measles, and requested that nobody
+be admitted to my room but the servant who brought me my food, and him I
+feed liberally to keep mum. When I got well enough to go out, I loaned
+my boxing gloves to a young gentleman, with my mind fully made up that
+if he never offered to return them, I shouldn't send a constable after
+him, nor ask him for them. I have not indulged in any amusements of the
+kind since, and I am glad to announce that I am fully satisfied with my
+past experience in the study of the science."
+
+Mr. Boggs's narrative was loudly applauded. He, however, protested
+against the civility.
+
+Mr. Van Dam characterized it as a valuable contribution, which called
+forth from Mr. Boggs the question, "What the devil he meant by calling
+it a contribution; he had no idea of the kind."
+
+The members insisted that, however he might regard it, it certainly was
+a valuable contribution to their entertainment, and would grace the
+archives of the club.
+
+Mr. Boggs stated that had he entertained the most distant idea he was
+doing anything of any value to anybody, he should have never been able
+to say a word. If it was a contribution he was glad of it.
+
+The Higholdboy then called upon the other members for their
+contributions to science.
+
+Mr. Quackenbush responded, and after drinking some Croton water diluted
+with gin, he began:
+
+"Last evening I started out on a cruise, with the view of seeing the
+elephant on the streets by gas-light. I saw the identical elephant to be
+seen every evening, and with which you are all familiar, and I began to
+think about eleven o'clock that I should be compelled to retire to rest
+without having seen anything worthy of note. To be sure, I had seen a
+fight between a nigger and Irishman, which, after the first round, was
+finished by each party running away as fast as his legs could carry him,
+thereby tacitly acknowledging that he was beaten; but what was this?
+Every one of you have been in fights, and of course it would be
+unnatural to suppose that a description of a scrimmage of brief duration
+between an Irishman and a nigger would be particularly interesting. I
+was about to turn my footsteps homeward, when the movements of an
+individual attracted my attention. The person in question was a
+gentleman of about forty-five years of age. His height was fully six
+feet, his form was very spare, his face thin, his nose sharp and
+prominent, his eyes and hair grey, and his face closely shaven,
+wrinkled, and sallow. He was dressed in a plain black dress-coat and
+pants, of a style about three years old. His vest was of black satin,
+his shirt-bosom was scrupulously white; a black silk choker was tightly
+enveloped about his neck, above which peered a diminutive collar, which,
+when it was put on, was without doubt a standing-collar, but the starch
+had not been made of such a consistency as to render it consistent for
+the collar to stand up against the unstiffening effects of a hot day's
+sweating. As I saw him, he was coming down the street at a rapid rate,
+describing all sorts of geometrical figures on the sidewalk, and making
+efforts to sing the words of "Yankee Doodle" to the tune of "Old
+Hundred." Whenever he ran against an awning-post, he would stop, and
+expostulate with the post for its want of civility, and would insist
+that the post had never been born and bred in the St. Lawrence country,
+or it would have shown more politeness to strangers. He was entirely
+unable to account for the sudden revolutions of the earth, which made
+day and night follow each other in such quick succession. When he ran
+against a lamp-post, he would look up to the light and insist that it
+was dinner-time, and would wonder why the old woman didn't blow the
+horn. At that moment a policeman came along, and was going to take him
+into custody. On observing the policeman's uniform, he inquired of him
+whether he was a 'Merican or British soger, and whether the Russians had
+whipped Nicholas, and whether Cuba had begun to bombard General Pierce
+at Sebastopol. I knew the officer very well, and he suggested that as
+the man seemed to be quite respectable in his appearance, it might be
+well to take him to a hotel for the night. I volunteered to do this, and
+accordingly took him under my care. On going down, he asked me if I was
+a karvern teeper, as he wanted to take a drink of bed, and then go to
+sleep on a blass of grandy. I told him I was, and would see him put to
+bed all right. On asking him his name, I learned that he was Deacon
+Josiah Pettingill, of St. Lawrence county. We got to the hotel, and I
+informed the clerk that the gentleman was a country friend of mine, whom
+I wanted stowed away for the night, and for whom I would call in the
+morning. I accompanied him to the room, assisted in removing his
+garments, and, after putting him between the sheets, I left the
+premises. This morning I called on him at his room, and found him still
+asleep. I proceeded to awaken him. It occupied some minutes to explain
+to him the true condition of affairs. At last, the whole of the
+occurrences of the previous evening seemed to come to his recollection.
+
+"He inquired his condition when I found him. I told him that he was at
+that time considerably drunk, and disposed to be somewhat noisy.
+
+"'Well, squire,' said he, 'I shouldn't be surprised if it was so; the
+fact is, my head aches at this minute as if it was ready to bust, and it
+feels jest as it did once in my lifetime, a good while ago, when I took
+too much egg nogg; that was full twenty-five year ago; for awhile, I
+felt as if I was ridin' to Heaven over glairy ice down a high hill, on a
+bob-sled with its runners greased. But I never got there; I know one
+thing sartain--a few hours afterward I felt as if the bob-sled had run
+agin a stump, when almost tu the bottom of the hill, and the concussion
+had landed me intu a cauldron-kettle full of fever and ager and
+blacksmiths' hammers, mixed together in equal parts; it wasn't funny,
+squire; I went right off and jined the church, and hain't been blue
+since, unless I wos last night.'
+
+"I asked Mr. Pettingill to give me a history of his experience in the
+city. He complied, and stated the facts as follows:--
+
+"'Well, you see, squire, I come to the city last evenin' from Albany, in
+the railroad, and when I got tu the shed where the railroad stops, I
+got out. A feller stepped up to me as important as a bantam cock after
+he has crowed for the first time, and asked me where I wanted to go. I
+told him I wanted tu go tu a first-rate tarvern. He said that idea was
+ridiculous; that they never allowed distinguished strangers tu go tu
+tarverns, and, unless he was mistaken, I was something above the common
+folks from the rooral deestricts. I told him I was supervisor of the
+town where I was born and brought up, in the St. Lawrence country. He
+said he was thunderin' glad to hear it, as he himself was something of a
+high cockalorum of New York. He insisted upon my gittin' intu the
+carriage and goin' tu his private dwellin', as it would be vulgar tu go
+tu tarverns. I asked him if the St. Nicholas Hotel was common. He said
+that nobody but those that wasn't no great shakes went there. We finally
+come to a real big, purty stun house, and the man jumped off from the
+carriage. He told me again that if he was rich he wasn't proud, and it
+was a way he had of always ridin' outside and drivin'. I told him I
+always done so, only in the consarn I had they all rode outside, for the
+reason that there warn't no inside. With that he larfed, and said that
+all folks didn't have jest the same way of doin' things, and we went tu
+the door. A nigger come and opened the door, and we went in. There was
+about twenty gentlemen, fixed off tu kill, and a table sot with bottles,
+and everything as slickery as could be. The man who brought me took me
+tu a fine-looking gentleman and told me that he was his brother, that he
+was obleeged tu go out on business connected with his office, but that
+he would be back by 11 o'clock; he said his brother would see tu me, and
+do the scrumptious while he was gone; well, we set down to the table; he
+was orful kind, for he helped me tu everything he could on the
+table--all kinds of chicken-fixens and gingerbread arrangements; he then
+asked me tu take a glass of wine; I told him I was a little tew much of
+a temperance man for that; he said certainly he wouldn't ask me if I had
+any scrooples agin' it; he asked me if I was opposed to drinkin' cider;
+I said no, if it was sweet; he said that they had got in, about a week
+before, a barrel of sweet cider, which had jest enough snap in it tu
+make it taste good; he told the nigger to take a bottle of wine up
+stairs tu his sick nephew, and tu bring a pitcher full of cider up
+stairs from the new barrel; the nigger left with the bottle and the
+pitcher, and in about five minutes came back intu the room with the
+pitcher full of the slickest cider I ever seen; I drunk some of it, and
+it tasted so good that I drunk more; when I had taken almost enough,
+the gentleman asked me tu go into the back room where a lot of men was a
+setting around a table, holdin' little round pieces of bone in their
+hands and puttin' 'em down, and another man was fumblin' with some
+pieces of paper; I asked him if they wasn't playin' cards, 'cause I
+thought they looked as if they was; he said no, that they was Wall
+street stock-dealers, and that the pieces of bone stood for so many
+shares of stock; he asked if I wouldn't like to become a stock-jobber,
+and he said there was a power of money tu be made at the business; I
+said I guessed not, but he seemed tu be anxious tu do a little at it
+himself, and he asked me to lend him a hundred dollars which he would
+give back tu me when his brother came; after he had give me three or
+four more glasses of cider, which, by this time, he poured out of
+bottles, I handed him my money-puss and told him tu help himself; he
+opened it and took out all there was in it, which was ten dollars; he
+asked me if that was all I had got, and I told him that my calculations
+bad been jest right; that when I started from hum I had an idee that I
+should land with jest ten dollars in my puss; he then asked me if I had
+brought any checks or drafts, and I told him no; so he said he would
+borrow the ten, and he went into the stock business pretty heavy, and I
+watched to see how he made in the speculation, but after takin' three or
+four more glasses of that cider, I kinder lost the run of the
+speculation; he then said it would be a good idee tu go out and get some
+fresh air, which we did, after taking a little more of that cider; as we
+went along the streets, I thought that we didn't have tu move our
+feet--that the street moved up and down tu save us the trouble; the
+houses kinder got to playin' blind man's buff, and the streets got to
+heaving up and down orfully, and when I was wonderin' what on airth made
+it, I missed the gentleman; that, squire, is about all I recollect; but
+the fun of the matter is this, that I was cute enough not tu tell the
+gentleman I had three hundred dollar bills tucked behind the strap of my
+boot, in the leg.'
+
+"Mr. Pettingill then took one of his boots from the floor, drew out the
+three hundred dollar bills, and held them up as a triumph of St.
+Lawrence cuteness.
+
+"'Now,' said he, 'squire, I want you tu show me a tarvern where nobody
+won't want tu borrow money of me. I am a little 'spicious of that man's
+brother. I don't believe he intended to pay me.'
+
+"I told him that his present quarters were as desirable, in all points
+of view, as any he could find in the city, after which I informed him,
+much to his astonishment, that he had been taken to a gambling-house,
+and it was owing to his 'cuteness,' which, it seems, did not forsake him
+when drunk, that he had not lost all his money.
+
+"Mr. Pettingill thanked me for the part I had taken in his behalf, and
+gave me a pressing invitation to come to his place in St. Lawrence
+county, next summer, and spend a month with him, all of which I promised
+to do, if it was possible."
+
+Mr. Quackenbush was congratulated on his good fortune in coming across
+that particular species of the elephant, whose nature and
+characteristics he had so happily and correctly delineated in his paper.
+
+It was moved by Mr. Dropper that a copy of the contribution be requested
+from Quackenbush, to make cigar-lighters of, and that the original be
+deposited in the big room of the American Institute, as a specimen of
+bad chirography.
+
+Mr. Q. said he would see them blowed first.
+
+Mr. Van Dam next proceeded with his contribution:
+
+"A few evenings since," said he, "as I was passing through one of the
+streets of Gotham, I observed a crowd collected near a corner grocery.
+Thinking that an opportunity was afforded to see something worth taking
+a note of, I ran for the spot in time to see the difficulty. I found
+there a man, holding with each hand a boy, and both of the juveniles
+making frantic efforts to release themselves from his grasp. The man was
+a small, cadaverous-appearing individual, a compound of gamboge and
+chalk, the gamboge predominating. There was a tinge of yellow in his
+face, he had yellow hair, and he had on a suit of summer clothes, made
+of some yellow material. Nature had favored him with a dwarfed
+moustache, composed of twenty-eight yellow hairs, and also an incipient
+beard, made up of seventy-six yellow hairs, and turned out in the shape
+of a triangle, the base of which rested upon the chin, at the point
+where it begins to retreat, and the apex of which reached the middle of
+his under lip.
+
+"The appearance of the boys would indicate that they were of Irish
+birth. One had a squint-eye and a head of hair which the youth of
+America are accustomed to designate as 'brick-top.' His snub nose was
+ordinarily directed to an imaginary point in the heavens, about
+forty-five degrees above the horizon. His garments were not altogether
+the style which would be pronounced _au fait_, by a Broadway leader of
+the fashion. It would seem that he had only one purpose in view in
+jumping into the aforesaid garments, which purpose was, not to create a
+sensation, either by the accuracy of their fit, or the newness of the
+material, but rather to cover his form, and keep out the cold, at such
+times as the clerk of the weather was induced to fetch up "heated terms"
+all standing, and give us a specimen of the temperature, perhaps
+somewhat mollified, which is supposed to exist in the immediate vicinity
+of Symmes Hole. The description of one of the boys will do very well for
+the other, except that in some particulars he was a little more so, and
+in others a little less, which statement, gentlemen, I consider
+sufficiently definite for all practical purposes.
+
+"The sympathies of the bystanders seemed to be decidedly in favor of the
+boys, who were so violent in their resistance that the man could hold
+them only with great difficulty. Once they tripped him, and then all
+three fell over a barrel of turnips, upsetting a barrel-cover containing
+apples; but the man was enabled to continue his hold on the boys. At
+last, when one of them, by tangling his leg around the man, upset him
+into a tub of pickles, the man called out, in a shrill voice, 'Vatch!
+vatch!' All this transpired amid the shouts of the lookers-on. 'Go in,
+blinky,' said one. 'Keep a going, sour krout,' said another; and various
+were the remarks of this character which were heard. But, as usual, the
+police were not at hand, and the sequel proved that their absence was
+rather to be desired than otherwise. Notwithstanding the fact that the
+sympathies of the crowd were apparently in favor of the boys, yet the
+general feeling seemed to be that the merits of the case should be
+understood, and when the boys made an effort to escape, they were
+prevented; and when the vanquished German had extricated himself from
+the pickle-tub, one of the persons asked what the boys had done.
+
+"'Do,' said the grocery-keeper, 'dey do so much as to sends dem to de
+States brison. Dey is de vorst poys as runs in de shtreets. De oder
+night dey comes here to mine shtore-crocery a koople of times, and ven I
+vas not see dem, dey ketch my cats by de dails, and dies vire-crackers
+to de cat's dail, on de shtep-valk, and den sets vire to de crackers,
+and trows de cats down. Den de cats she runs like de tuyvel into de
+shtore so much scare. She yump all around on de counters, over into de
+barrels, breaks into bieces some new bottles vat I buy yust, sets vire
+to some paper vat vas lay on de counters, tumbles over ebery dings vat
+vas in de vay, and gets all shplitter shplatter mixed up togedder. I
+find some shweet oil bottles shpill in de box fon green dea; she knock
+down fom de shelf a big match-box, vich hold a gross fon matches, and
+dey go off and shmell so vorse mit primstone as if de tuyvel had moved
+into mine shtore-crocery, and I can't tell you so much damage as it do;
+and ven I look for de cats, I find her about an hour rolled up in a
+pasket fon green beas, mit all de hair scorch off de pehind side fon
+her. Dis vas on Saturday night vill be two veeks.'
+
+"'Why didn't you catch them then?' asked one of the party.
+
+"'Ketch dem,' said the grocery-man; 'pefore I vas get over mine scare,
+dey vas run avay, and you might yust so vell try to find a needle mit a
+hay-shtacks as to find dem. But I tells de constopples about dem, and
+dey say dey vill look out for dem. Vell, two tree days go by, and von
+morning I comes down shtairs to unlocks de door fon mine shtore-crocery.
+De key vas in de inside de door, and ven I durns dem round to unlock dem
+yust, I hears some-dings shoot off on de oder side de door. I vas much
+scare, and I runs up shtairs, for I dinks some feller vants to shoot me,
+and I sends my vife out de oder door to look round on de shtep-walk, and
+see who vas dere. Ven she come back she say der bin no beeples dere, and
+so I go vonce more to unlocks de door. I durns de key so quick as I can,
+ven pop! crack! shoot! I hears again de noise. I vas so much scare dat
+I falls over, and I bulls de door open. Ven I finds I vas not shoot, I
+looks in de lock and finds dere some bieces baper, vat you make de
+little vite vire-crackers--you call'----
+
+"'Torpedoes,' suggested one of the persons present.
+
+"'Yes, dorpedoes,' resumed the German, 'dat's the name.'
+
+"'How do you know these boys put torpedoes in your lock?' asked one.
+
+"'I know it so vell as I vants to know,' was the response.
+
+"'Did you see 'em do it, or did anybody else? was the next question.
+
+"'No, I did not see dem do it, but I know it was dem I can, shvear it
+vas dem,' said the confident accuser.
+
+"'Pretty good swearin,' said a man in a red shirt. 'Say, old sour
+krout,' he continued, 'what else have the boys done?'
+
+"'Mine Gott!' said the corner grocery-man, despairingly, 'is dat not
+enough vat I have tell you? Ven I go out my shtore-crocery for a minute,
+vonce dey durns de shpiggot fon de lager bier and vinegar parrells, and
+dey runs out in de floor and vaste; ven doy see me in de shtreets dey
+calls me '_Old nicht's cum araus, sour kraut, sprech Deutsch._' Dey
+finds dead rats, and trovs dem on mine awning till dey shmells so bad;
+dey brings an old barber's pole, and sets dem up before mine
+shtore-crocery, on vich vas paint, 'shaving done here,' and ven de
+beeples see de sign, dey laughs and say good, and it make all mine
+customers dink dat I cheat dem.'
+
+"'Is that all?' inquired a bystander.
+
+"'No,' said the German, emphatically, 'I can tell you more as dat.'
+
+"'But how do you know these boys did all these things,' inquired
+another.
+
+"'All de beeples say dey is de fellers,' was the reply.
+
+"'What did they do to-night?' inquired another of the crowd.
+
+"'Vell I tell you dat,' said the persecuted merchant. To night I vas
+shtand in front von mine shtore, to talk mit a carman, who have bring
+some dings to me. Pretty soon, he get on his cart and drive off, and ven
+he shtart, a parrell von botatoes, dat shtand on de edge fon de
+shtep-valk, tip over in de shtreet, and de botatoes fall out and
+shcatter about, and the parrell it go yumping along de shtreets, mit de
+cart; I holler for de carman and he shtop. Ven I go to see, I find dat a
+rope vas tie round the parrel, and hitch to de cart-veel close; vell, I
+bick up de botatoes, and put de parrel vonce more on de shtep-valk, and
+keep vatch. Soon I see dese boys come along, and dey look at me mit de
+tuyvel in deir eyes, and I know it vas dem. Yust den I run and ketch
+dem.'
+
+"The details of the case being pretty well understood, it became a
+question with the crowd what should be done. The general opinion was
+that the boys were wrong in their continued annoyances of the Dutchman,
+though they did not think the case was one sufficiently aggravated to
+justify their being turned over either to the police or to the vengeance
+of the grocery-man. At last a portly old Knickerbocker, who had laughed
+heartily at the Dutchman's narration, essayed to act as spokesman.
+
+"'What's your name,' said he to one of the boys with assumed gravity.
+
+"'Mike Hannegan,' said he, 'and this 'ere boy is Barney Doolan.'
+
+"'Oh, you young rascals,' continued the gentleman, 'you deserve to be
+arrested for your bad ways. You are very bad boys, you know you are,
+whether you are the ones who have bothered the Dutchman or not. He
+guessed right, I think, in supposing you to be the boys. But if these
+gentlemen will let you off, will you stop troubling him in the future?'
+
+"'Yes, sir,' said both of the boys, meekly.
+
+"'Then cut stick, both of you,' said he.
+
+"Just then an individual with a remarkable loaferish air, dressed in a
+blue single-breasted frock coat, with a row of military buttons, a blue
+cap with silver mountings, and a brass star on his breast--an
+individual, in brief, known as a policeman--arrived on the spot, and
+inquired what was the trouble. After informing him that he was a day
+after the fair, I left the vicinity."
+
+When Mr. Van Dam concluded, on motion of Mr. Boggs it was
+
+_Resolved_, that the members of the club do now proceed, each man for
+himself, to light his pipe.
+
+The resolution was acceded to without a dissenting voter.
+
+Dennis, Wagstaff, and Overdale, as usual, had been investigating in
+company, Overdale taking the lead, and Wagstaff taking notes, and all
+three occasionally taking egg-noggs.
+
+A unanimous call was made for Wagstaff's notebook, which was immediately
+forthcoming.
+
+The reading of Mr. Wagstaff's notes was prefaced by statements on the
+part of Dennis and Overdale which made the following facts apparent to
+the club. The previous evening the three went into a Greenwich street
+bar-room, on the invitation of Overdale to pay a visit to Delmonico's,
+to get a piece of pie and some cigars. Whilst partaking of the order, a
+singular person entered the room. His beauty was decidedly of the
+yard-stick character. He was long as a projected Iowa railroad, and as
+symmetrical as a fence-rail; his face was as expressionless as the head
+of Shakspeare which is seen on the drop-curtain of the Broadway Theatre,
+surrounded by a triple row of attenuated sausages. His square and
+angular shoulders made him resemble a high-shouldered pump, while his
+arms moved with as much ease and grace as the handle to the same. Long,
+black hair, parted in the middle, was soaped down until the oleaginous
+ends reposed upon the unctuous collar of his seedy coat. His
+shirt-collar, guiltless of starch, was unbuttoned at the neck and laid
+far back over his vest, doubtless to display a neck which, had it been
+cut off, was long enough to tie.
+
+He had seated himself, and had settled down into a misanthropic quiet,
+when a little stubby man, with one eye--the very ideal of a Washington
+market butcher--happened to enter. As soon as the first-mentioned
+subject saw him, he jumped up, rushed at the stubby man, and had hardly
+touched him, before a blow from the fist of the stubby man caused him
+to collapse on the floor. The stubby man followed up his success by
+pulling the nose of his fallen enemy, and threatening to give him a
+"tolerable shake-up, if he ever came round his shop agin'."
+
+The conflict was brief, as it soon drew in quite a crowd, and amongst
+others a policeman. The tall man was pointed out as the aggressor, but
+the stubby man said "he didn't want to appear agin' the crack-brained
+cuss; that he guessed he (the said cuss) had got the worst of it."
+
+But the assembled multitudes were not satisfied. They thought it was due
+to them that they should have an explanation, and as the tall individual
+seemed anxious, and the stubby individual didn't make any objections, a
+ring was formed to give the parties a chance to be heard.
+
+The stubby man said that while the other was "exercisin' his jaw, he'd
+have some ham'neggs;" whilst he was eating, the tall individual told his
+story, which was one of blighted hopes, disappointed expectations,
+unrequited love, and unappreciated genius. Wagstaff's notes of his words
+read as follows:
+
+"'My name is Julius Jenkins, and I have a cousin named Betsey Brown; I
+love my cousin Betsey; have always loved my cousin Betsey, from the time
+when as children we tore in loving partnership our mutual pantalets and
+petticoats (for these legs once wore pantalets, and their symmetry was
+hidden from admiration by petticoats), looking for blackberries in a
+cedar-swamp; from the time we sucked eggs together in the barn-yard and
+'teetered' in happy sport upon the same board; from the time we built
+playhouses in the garden and made puppy-love behind the currant bushes;
+from those happy days of rural felicity until the present time, my
+cousin Betsey has been the ideal of my soul. We used to eat bread and
+milk out of the same bowl, dig angleworms with the same shovel, go
+fishing in the same creek, steal apples from the same orchard, and crawl
+through the same hole in the fence when the man chased us. Through all
+my lonely life the memory of cousin Betsey has been my guardian angel. I
+have been exposed to dire temptations; once I was reduced to such
+extremity that I was about to earn my dinner by sawing wood, but my
+cousin Betsey seemed to rise before me and say, "Julius, don't degrade
+yourself;" and I didn't. I cast the saw to the earth, and begged my
+dinner from a colored washerwoman. I once accepted a situation as a
+clerk in a retail grocery. I stayed a week, but on every barrel of
+sugar, on every bar of soap, in every keg of lard, in each individual
+potato, in every bushel in all the cellar, I saw the reproachful face
+of my cousin Betsey; it rose before me from the oily depths of the
+butter-firkin, and from the cratery interior of the milk-can; the very
+peanuts rose up in judgment against me, and had on each separate end a
+speaking likeness of my cousin Betsey, which said, "Julius, don't
+degrade yourself;" I couldn't stand it; in the darkness of night I
+packed up my wardrobe (comprising one shirt of my own and two I borrowed
+from a neighboring clothes-line), helped myself to the small change, and
+vanished; I became a painter, I executed a portrait of my cousin Betsey;
+I asked a critical friend to see my masterpiece; he gazed a moment, and
+then asked me which was the tail end; the dolt! he thought I meant it
+for a pig; I wrote poetry to my cousin Betsey, but the printer returned
+it because I spelled Cupid with a K, and put the capitals at the wrong
+end of my words; the uninformed ass; he did not understand the
+eccentricities of genius; I became an actor, and attempted Othello; at
+the rise of the curtain I was saluted with a shower of onions from
+appreciative friends, and at its fall I was presented by the manager
+with a brush, to which he added his gratuitous advice that I should keep
+the paint on my face and go into the boot-blacking business; I turned
+composer, but could never get my "Bootjack Waltz" published, or my
+oratorio of "The Ancient Applewoman" before the public; at last my
+cousin Betsey came to live in the city, and I thought once more to
+possess her love, but I found a rival; a one-eyed butcher; I wrote
+letters to her; I know that they should have been tied with blue ribbon,
+but necessity dictated cotton twine; I sent her presents; not so
+valuable as I could have wished; my intention was good but my means were
+limited; I could have wished to offer gold and jewels, but I could never
+afford more than a string of smelts, or half a pint of huckleberries; I
+resolved to serenade my cousin Betsey; I procured a violin, strung with
+the daintiest filaments ever made from the bowels of the most delicate
+female feline infant; I repaired beneath her window and commenced my
+song, but the butcher came to the window, threw down a dime, and told me
+to go away; he took me for an organ-grinder; I indignantly stamped the
+money into the earth, but thought again, picked it up and purchased
+some brandy to nerve me for a desperate deed; I had resolved to see that
+butcher, to meet that butcher, to challenge that butcher, to fight that
+butcher, to conquer that butcher or to die; yesterday I went to that
+butcher's shop to execute my design, but he kicked me out. To day I came
+in here in despair; who should come in but the butcher; now was my
+chance; I rushed at him, but my personal strength was not equal to the
+task; he boxed my ears, pulled my nose, and I was cheated out of my
+revenge, simply because I wasn't able to lick him. Now I demand of this
+intelligent assembly, as a matter of right, the instant annihilation of
+the one-eyed butcher now present, the author of all my miseries, that my
+Betsey may be restored to me.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Mr. Jenkins sank into a chair, exhausted by his effort.
+
+"The butcher wiped his chops on a red silk handkerchief, and then
+proceeded to tell his story, which was as follows, as appears by
+Wagstaff's notes;
+
+"'This here feller's allers botherin' my wife, 'cause he says she's
+his'n; yesterday he gits drunk, comes in my place, and wants to fight
+me. I told him to leave, and he wouldn't, so I hussled him out. I
+happened to come in here jus' now, and he comes at me. I doubles him
+up, and that's the hull story.'
+
+"The laconic statement of the one-eyed stubby butcher satisfied the
+parties assembled that Mr. Jenkins's insane pursuit of another man's
+wife had justly brought upon him the indignation of the husband, and he
+was advised very generally, in the future, to cease all importunities of
+a similar character.
+
+"Finding that his story excited no sympathy in his behalf, Mr. Jenkins
+left the place in disgust, and the three Elephantines soon after left in
+an omnibus."
+
+Mr. Spout here arose, and said he liked the story in all of its parts,
+except the concluding joke, which he considered to be, not only unkind,
+but uncalled for. He should take the liberty of considering it expunged
+from the records.
+
+Some member here dared to suggest that it was high time that the
+Higholdboy should do something else than criticise the contributions of
+his fellow-members.
+
+Mr. Spout desired it to be understood that he should admit of no
+dictation from inferiors; that he should exercise his own discretion in
+deciding whether he would contribute to the amusement of others, or
+criticise them in their efforts to be jolly. Yet, without giving up any
+of this right, he would volunteer to lay before the club, on the
+present occasion, a matter which, to him, possessed some points of
+interest, and as he didn't care whether it interested the others or not,
+he should state facts for his own amusement. He intended to laugh at
+everything which he thought was funny, without any reference to the
+comfort of others.
+
+"The circumstance which I am about to relate," said Mr. Spout, "is one
+in which a friend of mine was involved. My friend's name," he continued,
+"is Bartholomew Buxton. He is the owner of a book-store, and was led
+into that business on account of a thirst for reading. He is a man of
+about thirty-five years, and his whole life has been passed in poring
+over books. I regard him as a man of very rare intelligence, though his
+intellect is not, perhaps, very fruitful of original thoughts. What is
+remarkable with him is his personal appearance. He is a little man, just
+large enough to be entitled to enter the army--that is to say,
+'five-foot-four.' His body is very small, and his head very large,
+round, and full. His hair is of a sandy color, and of the scratch wig
+order of cut. His eyes are small, and one of them squints frightfully.
+His complexion is quite pale. In the matter of dress, he wears usually a
+pair of pants of a checker-board-pattern-on-a-large-scale cloth, blue
+dress-coat, ornamented with large fancy brass buttons, and a vest--a
+double-breaster--of the brightest scarlet. But these eccentricities in
+apparel would hardly attract attention so long as the main feature of
+his dress is visible. That feature is his collar. It is a remarkable
+collar--a mighty rampart of linen, which encircles his head in a line
+with the centres of his ears, almost meeting in his face. Numerous
+reasons have been assigned for Mr. Buxton's going to such lengths (or
+rather heights) in his indulgence in collar. One idea advanced is, that
+he is actuated by a desire to economize in the expenses of washing, and
+to do this, has the garments made in such a way as to be convertible
+into collars at either end. Another suggestion is, that the collar is a
+matter of utility, designed by Mr. Buxton to economize physical
+strength, which, inasmuch as his head is very large and his body very
+small, must be overtaxed to hold his ponderous brain-box erect.
+
+"Gentlemen, three days since I received a call from my friend Buxton. He
+appeared melancholy and dejected, which surprised me; but what surprised
+me more, in respect to his present appearance, was the manifest
+disarrangement of his collar. It did not stand up on one side with the
+majestic erectness which characterized it on the other. On the left it
+was hanging down flabbily; its self-sustaining power was departed.
+
+"I saw, by his countenance, that something important to him had
+occurred, and the appearance of his collar only tended to confirm my
+suspicions. I accordingly asked him what was the trouble.
+
+"'Trouble,' said he, 'enough of it. Sir,' he continued, 'last night I
+was locked up in a cell at the station-house, for exercising the
+privileges of a freeman--a native American citizen. I was arrested, and
+violently dragged off to that cell, where I remained last night, and
+this morning was tried before the magistrate, only, however, to be
+acquitted. What made it worse was, that I should be arrested with a
+nigger, and be tried with a nigger, and acquitted with a nigger. He was
+a huge nigger--a colossal nigger--a nigger fully six feet and four
+inches in height; his face betrayed no evidence of light--it was all
+shade; he was a nigger, above all others, so black, that he would make
+an excellent drum-major to a funeral procession, if custom sanctioned
+the employment of that non-commissioned official on such occasions.
+Inasmuch, however, as custom doesn't do any such thing, the next best
+use to which the sable giant could be put, would be to make his face
+the figurehead of a Broadway mourning store; with the exception of his
+large size and remarkable black face, the nigger in question looked very
+much like other niggers not in question. He was a nigger, in fact, who
+gave as his name the half-classic and half-descriptive appellation of
+Cesar Freeman. I have always been a "woolly-head" until now, but may I
+be bursted if I don't go and join the Know Nothings to-morrow, and begin
+a crusade against all niggers--particularly nigger-giants and nigger
+women.
+
+"'How did this occur?' I inquired, anxiously.
+
+"'I'll tell you,' said he. 'But before doing so however, I desire to
+state a fact. We have all our human weaknesses; indeed, it may be set
+down as a truism that human beings do have human weaknesses to a greater
+or less extent; I am a human being; I have my human weakness, and that
+weakness is my collars; it required years of experiment to bring my
+collars to their present perfection; nearly all of the quarrels I ever
+had have been with laundresses who have failed to do them up to my
+liking; if a man wishes to ruffle my temper he need only to ruffle my
+collar, and it is accomplished; tell me the Savings Bank, where I
+deposit my extra money, has collapsed in the region of the money-vault;
+tell me that I have got to attend a charity ball; give me the jumping
+toothache; place me in a Bowery stage with fourteen inside, and I in
+juxtaposition to a dirty woman with a squalling baby who has got the
+seven years' itch--all of these I can bear, but when it comes to
+interfere with my collars it is going a point too far. Now I come to the
+time when unforeseen circumstances brought me in violent collision with
+this nigger of African extraction; I was walking down the street, near
+where the belligerent demonstration took place, when I saw directly in
+front of me a long-tailed man in an amiable-appearing coat--no--an
+amiable-appearing coat in a long-tailed--no--I mean an amiable-appearing
+man in a long-tailed coat. For my life I could not conceive why that
+amiable individual's proclivities in matters of apparel should lead him
+to wear a garment of so ridiculous a cut. I had just come to the sage
+conclusion that it was because every donkey in the country chooses to
+have his hips appear high or low to suit the caprice of Broadway
+tailors, when at that moment the amiable person, together with his
+long-tailed coat, was driven from my mind. I became suddenly conscious
+that an important event had transpired. An elderly female nigger, in
+throwing water on a store-window which she was cleaning, did not confine
+her professional favors exclusively to the window for which she had
+been hired, but she disbursed copious supplies of Croton upon the
+passers-by, for which she had not been hired. In fact, I am bold to
+assert, that several persons were favored with several gratuitous
+duckings by this colored female. I was one of those persons; a bountiful
+current of water interrupted the current of my thoughts; like a juvenile
+Niagara, it dashed against my collar in the left side, as you can see.
+Now, my collar is impervious to perspiration, but it could not stand up
+under the soaking of a cataract; as my collar fell my choler rose; I
+looked around at the sable author of my troubles, and I saw on her face
+an exultant grin at what she had done. I felt as if I would like to have
+crammed a wet broom which she had in her hand down her throat, splint
+end downwards; for obvious reasons I did not do this; but I did speak to
+her in language expressive of my emphatic disapprobation of the
+unasked-for and informal baptism with which she had been pleased to
+favor me; I suppose my words must have frightened her; at any rate she
+fell off from a stool on which she was elevated; she gave a scream; this
+black Hercules came down the stairs; she informed him that I had
+insulted her; he looked at me with his teeth grinning as if he would
+like to have eaten me without gravy or condiment; he gave one diabolical
+grin, and then came at me. I am not pugnacious; a lamb-like
+inoffensiveness has ever been my prominent characteristic; I have a
+constitutional repugnance to a fight, either with weapons natural or
+artificial; if loaded fire-arms are around I never feel so safe as when
+I see the butt-ends pointed at my vital parts; though not a member of
+the Peace Society, yet that society has ever had in me an ardent
+sympathizer; peaceful though I be, yet, when the sleeping lion within me
+is aroused, I know no bounds to my rage, and I insist upon going about,
+seeking whom I may devour; I saw the belligerent attitude of my enemy;
+he struck me; we grappled; an insatiable desire to taste the flesh of a
+colored man at that instant seized upon me; in a moment the digits of
+his right hand were between my teeth; I know that for a moment or two
+hostilities were active; I became conscious, too, that hostilities
+ceased; I soon learned the cause; the cause was the arrival of two
+policemen, who are always around when they shouldn't be, and never when
+they should. I was brought to the station-house.'
+
+"'Well, what took place before the court?' I asked.
+
+"'At seven this morning,' said Buxton, 'we were brought before the
+judge, and put in a pen; on one side of me was the aforesaid nigger,
+and on the other side a disgusting piece of feminine humanity; an
+importation from Ireland, who had just come off from a bender. Our names
+were finally called, the nigger's first, by all that's holy. Two
+officers who arrested us were the witnesses; they testified that on last
+evening, about dusk, they were engaged in conversation on the corner of
+a street which forms the boundary line between their respective beats,
+when they saw a crowd collected on the sidewalk, about a square above;
+they ran there, and they saw me and the nigger engaged in a fight; they
+said that the nigger was striking me violently with his left fist; his
+right hand was between my teeth, while I was kicking and striking the
+nigger very generally and promiscuously, and a nigger woman who was
+present was laying the blows on me with a broom whenever she could; at
+that moment they arrested me and the nigger; it required all their
+strength to secure us, such was the violence of our efforts to get away;
+hence they were unable to take the woman into custody.
+
+"'The judge showed the cussed bad taste to ask the nigger to make his
+statement first. The nigger said that I had insulted his wife, and had
+made improper proposals to her; that made me wrathy; I told him that he
+was guilty of uttering a falsehood before the court; emphatically
+pronounced his assertion relative to my making an insulting proposal to
+that feminine lump of animated charcoal, with whom he very properly
+cohabited, to be an unequivocal lie; I am no controversalist, and still
+less would I descend from my exalted height to engage in a controversy
+with that herculean African, especially after enduring the perspiration,
+which, despite my frantic efforts to the contrary, I was compelled to
+suffer during a hot night, in a cell where any respectable thermometer,
+if it could be induced to go into the cell once, if it was anything at
+all, would be a hundred at least; yes, sir,' he continued, 'and should
+you ever have a morbid desire to enter into controversy, recline your
+heated form of a hot night in the cell which I occupied, and by morning
+you will insist upon retiring into some secluded spot, from which
+secluded spot you can look dispassionately and unmoved upon the moral
+strifes of the world.
+
+"'Well, the up-shot of the matter was that both of us were discharged.'
+
+"I gave Mr. Buxton what consolation I could, after which he took his
+departure to put on a new collar."
+
+When Mr. Spout had concluded his narration, he proceeded to awaken such
+of the members of the club as were still present, telling them that it
+was time to go home. But he did not succeed in fully arousing them to an
+appreciation of the lateness of the hour, until he had put ice into
+their boot-legs and shirt-bosoms.
+
+
+
+
+THE CLUB IN AN UPROAR.
+
+   Now doth the little busy bee
+     Improve each shining hour
+   And gather honey all the day
+     From every opening--
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TOWARDS nine o'clock one evening, the members of the club had casually
+convened in the club-room, although no notice had been given that they
+were to assemble on that occasion. The only absentee was Johnny Cake,
+but this created no surprise, as the wonder was, not why any member was
+absent, but why so many were present.
+
+An hour was passed in discussing the current events of the day, when
+some member suggested, that if anybody had anything to offer, either
+amusing or instructive, an excellent opportunity was now afforded.
+
+It so happened that Mr. Remington Dropper had in his pocket a quantity
+of foolscap, on which he had written a statement of certain experience,
+with which he had been favored on the previous day.
+
+A general wish was expressed that Mr. Dropper might make himself useful
+in the exigency. He consented, and after the members had lighted their
+pipes, the barkeeper had been signalized for eight whisky-punches, and
+the Higholdboy had seated himself in his chair, the meeting was declared
+to be duly organized.
+
+Mr. Dropper commenced:
+
+"Yesterday," said he, "I had the pleasure of seeing our favorite
+quadruped as he appeared on Broadway, from an omnibus, whilst on a
+voyage from the South Ferry to Union Square. At half-past two o'clock I
+went over the ferry to Hamilton Avenue, Brooklyn. Having transacted my
+business, set out on my return, jumped aboard the ferry-boat and was
+soon on the New York side; stepped outside the gate, when I was beset by
+two dozen different omnibus agents, and as many different drivers. 'Here
+y'ar, right up Broadway.' 'Wide awake, 'ere Bower' un' Gran' street.'
+'Right up Broadway, Sixth Avenue.' 'Here's Broad'ay, Bleeck' street, un'
+Eigh thavenue.' 'Here y'ar Bowery un' Ouston street.'
+
+"'I want to go to Greenwich Avenue,' said a timid old gentleman.
+
+"'Here y'ar,' said the agent, as he took the old gentleman by the seat
+of his pantaloons, and threw him head first into an East Broadway stage.
+
+"The old gentleman, as soon as he could recover from his astonishment,
+looked out of the window at the agent.
+
+"'Sir,' said he, 'does this stage carry me to Greenwich Avenue?'
+
+"'Certing,' was the prompt reply, 'you'll get there, never fear. Here's
+Eas' Broadway un' Dry Dock.'
+
+"'Where do you want to go madam?' asked the Ninth Avenue stage-agent of
+a lady accompanied by a little boy.
+
+"'To the Crystal Palace,' said the lady.
+
+"'Here y'ar then,' said he, as he placed her in the stage which probably
+stopped fully three quarters of a mile from the place.
+
+"At last, all the persons desiring to ride had secured seats in stages,
+but whether _the_ stages they desired is quite doubtful. I jumped in a
+Broadway and Fourteenth street stage, the agent gave the door two slams,
+and off we started. The passengers were an old maid with a poodle dog, a
+young miss who had just put on a long dress, a German, an old buffer
+who occupied space for two, and myself. Suddenly we stopped in Whitehall
+street, on our larboard side we find ourselves caught against a Sixth
+Avenue stage coming down, and our starboard quarter caught against the
+hubs of a cart. Carman apologetic--Sixth Avenue stage-driver affable.
+Passengers frightened. Maiden lady with poodle dog exclaimed, 'Oh, dear
+me!' Poodle dog barked. Fat gentleman thought that stage-drivers
+now-a-days were growing too careless. Got under way. Sighted Bowling
+Green off our port bow. Female from Ireland with native infant hailed
+the vehicle. Driver stopped. Female from Ireland tumbled up the steps.
+Driver slammed the door, which struck the female from Ireland a severe
+blow in the rear. Result, female from Ireland lying prostrate on the
+floor, and native infant lying around loose on the person of the old
+maid, in the particular premises claimed by the poodle dog. Poodle dog
+barked and snapped at native infant; native infant cried. Old maid
+scolds female from Ireland. Female from Ireland takes up native infant,
+and anathematizes poodle dog. Fat gentleman suggests that it's all the
+result of the recklessness of the driver. Old lady and female from
+Ireland pacified. German female, with a basket of dirty clothes, seeks
+admittance. Driver accommodating. Enter German female, and exit myself.
+Take my position on top with the driver. Band of music heard in the
+direction of Wall street. Target company turn into Broadway. Inebriated
+negro carrying a target, on which is inscribed, 'Michael Flinn Guard,
+Capt. Pat. Sweeny.' Horse attached to a buggy coming down Broadway,
+unused to military demonstrations--unaccustomed to the noises of sixteen
+German gentlemen, making frantic efforts to blow their brains out
+through brass horns. Horse rears and plunges into the rank and file of
+the Michael Flinn Guard. Consternation of the infantry at an unexpected
+attack from the cavalry. Cavalry triumphant. Michael Flinn Guard
+commence throwing stones at individual in the buggy. Individual drives
+off. Plethoric German scrapes himself up, and finds the starch entirely
+taken out of his ophicleide. German with light moustache has lost the
+mouth-piece of his E flat saxe horn; Michael Flinn Guards endeavoring to
+find their arms. Irish corporal unable to discover his bayonet. First
+lieutenant finds his sword run through the tenor drum. Ambitious private
+finds the pewter cake-basket he won as a prize, with the butt end of a
+musket through it. Guns in several instances in fragments; swords
+broken; brass horns disjointed, and, as a consequence, music _non est_.
+By general consent, Michael Flinn Guards break ranks and disperse. Lady
+with hoop skirts hails the driver. Driver again obliging. Enter hoop
+skirts. Gentleman with a baby-wagon hails driver. 'Whoa-'p.' Astonishing
+driver. Gentleman lifts up the baby-wagon on the top. Driver receives
+it, and gently smashes it in pieces. Gentleman gets inside. Dropsical
+individual on the starboard quarter hails us. The gentleman enters, and
+again we are under way. Teutonic target company turn into Broadway from
+Courtlandt street--'The Lager Bier Invincibles, Capt Conrad Künzmüller.'
+Suddenly find ourselves smashed up amid a perfect labyrinth of carts,
+stages, buggies, wagons, horses, mules, cotton bales, boxes, furniture,
+drivers, policemen, passengers, pedestrians, &c. A wagonload of dirt on
+our port side--wagon-driver unsophisticated; unused to driving in New
+York. In advance a cart having two bales of hay on board. Our horses,
+having nothing else to do, make efforts to get at the hay. Our driver
+again accommodating. He gets down and unchecks the horses. Horses
+proceed to make inroads upon property not belonging to the omnibus
+company. Carman discovers the larceny. Indignant carman. Hits our horses
+over the head with the butt end of his whip. Reciprocal indignation.
+Our driver gives carman a cut across his proboscis with a long lash.
+
+"Our progress continues.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Fat gentleman impatient. Reasserts his previously-expressed conviction,
+that the stage is an imposition: says he'll get out. Driver insists on
+payment. Fat gentleman passes up a quarter. Driver passes him back a
+ten-cent piece and eight cents. Fat gentleman insists that he is
+swindled to the extent of one cent, which he demands. Driver very
+obliging, and 'don't he wish he may get it.' Fat gentleman gets out, but
+finds himself completely surrounded by vehicles, and without a
+possibility of being able to reach the curb-stone in safety, concludes
+to enter the stage again. Driver refuses to open the door. Fat gentleman
+demands to be admitted. Driver says he'll see him blowed first. Fat
+gentleman frantic, but driver incorrigible. At last fat gentleman gets
+on his hands and knees, and, after crawling under a team of horses and
+the tails of two carts, reaches the sidewalk. Again moving. Irish
+female with native infant pulls the strap. Driver accommodating. Female
+inquires if this is a Bowery stage. Driver says no. Female insists upon
+getting out. Driver insists, with equal warmth, that, as a prior
+condition, she must disgorge a sixpence. Female indisposed to comply.
+Old maid with the poodle dog gives the strap three convulsive jerks.
+'Whoa-'p.' Old maid says that native infant, belonging to female from
+Ireland, has the ship fever. Female from Ireland indignantly denies the
+statement, and says that it is _only_ the itch. Old maid swoons. Poodle
+dog barks at all the passengers generally, and the female from Ireland
+particularly. Dropsical gentleman puts some smelling-salts under the
+nose of old maid. Happy result. Old maid revives, and asks if anybody
+beside herself was injured by the explosion. Sight Fulton street off our
+starboard bow. Enter Fifth Avenue and Amity street stages, R. 1st
+Entrance. Exit Irish porter with a load of band-boxes, L. 1st Entrance,
+in time to save his bacon and band-boxes. New feature coming up Fulton
+street from the East River--'The Sour Krout Guards, Captain Wilhelm
+Stein,' in return from target excursion. Still another feature coming up
+Fulton street from North River--'The Patrick Gaffney Grenadiers, Captain
+Timothy Leahey,' on a return from target excursion. Two companies
+approach one another. Menacing looks on the part of the Sour Krout
+Guards. Bellicose attitude of the Gaffney Grenadiers. Belligerent
+manifestation of the Sour Krouts; corporal of the Gaffneys throws a
+brick at the Sour Krouts. Sour Krouts boiling over with indignation,
+make a demonstration. Both companies unused to the management of
+firelocks, but accustomed to war and carnage. They lay down their arms
+and take up their fists. General, promiscuous, and miscellaneous
+shoulder-hitting by the strength of both companies. Enter third party.
+Mad bull rushes down Broadway and pitches into the hottest of the fight,
+with horns down and tail up. Sour Krouts and Gaffneys in consternation
+fly from the scene of the struggle in all directions. Mad bull makes a
+descent into a mock auction shop. Stool pigeons and auctioneer all
+knocked down without a bidder. Sudden fall in pinchbeck watches. Bull
+stands for a moment in a contemplative mood over the devastation, and
+then walks away with a dignified air. Barnum's in sight. Lady and three
+children get inside. Female from Ireland with native infant concludes to
+pay the sixpence and get out. Astor House in the usual place. Barclay
+street in the distance. By way of variety, a company turn into
+Broadway, 'The Tugmutton Terribles, Captain Frightful Buster,' in a
+return from a target excursion at Hoboken. The captain elevated,
+lieutenants inebriated, privates intoxicated, the nigger target-bearer
+drunk--effect of having eaten too many ham sandwiches. Stage again
+immobile. Two Hoosiers get inside, and ask the driver to stop at the St.
+Nicholas Tavern. Funeral procession coming down Broadway. Forty-nine
+carriages. Learned that the remains of Dennis Hooligan, the keeper of a
+corner grocery in Hammersley street, were being conveyed to their last
+resting-place. Just as the hearse reaches Anthony street a ponderous
+cart crosses Broadway. Wheels fifteen feet in diameter. Steamboat boiler
+suspended under the axletree. Majestic vehicle fetches up all standing
+against a cart loaded with flour. Fall in breadstuffs. Prodigal
+distribution of flour. Hearse and funeral procession in close proximity.
+
+"Vehicles accumulate. Great commotion among drivers. Procession mixed up
+in an indiscriminate verbal war. At last hearse manages to go down
+towards the Five Points. The procession succeeds in getting out by
+turning in the other direction, except the rear portion, which, to my
+knowledge, never got out. Once more under way, and making good time.
+Man with a gold-headed cane stops the stage, and passes up a five-cent
+piece. Driver swears, and advises him to ride in the cars hereafter.
+Driver suggests that he is full ten minutes behind time, and is bound to
+make it up. Lays on the lash, much to the surprise of the animals.
+Driver pulls up in front of the St. Nicholas Hotel, and announces the
+spot through the money-hole. Nobody essays to pass up any fare. Driver
+repeats the announcement. Nobody moves. Driver inquires, impatiently, if
+there ain't 'two fellers inside wot wanted to git out at the St.
+Nicholas Hotel.' Still no reply. Again the inquiry. One of the Hoosiers
+said he asked him to 'stop at the St. Nicholas tarvern, 'cause why,
+'cause he wanted to see it. He'd seen it enough; it was a purty nice
+tarvern, he reckoned, and he might drive on.' Driver gave the horses an
+extra cut, and we move again. Asthmatic party pulls the strap. After
+feeling in all of his pockets for two minutes, informs the driver that
+he left his _porte-monnaie_ in his other pantaloons. Driver says the
+story won't go down--that the game is too old. Party tries to make his
+exit, but the door won't open, the driver holding hard on the strap.
+Asthmatic party threatens to horsewhip driver. Driver says, 'any time
+when conwenyent he hoped he'll make the trial.' Driver about to start,
+when asthmatic party pulls out his jack-knife and cuts the strap.
+Asthmatic party triumphs. Driver, frantic with rage, throws an apple at
+asthmatic party, and hits asthmatic party on his knowledge-box.
+Asthmatic party falls, and upsets an apple-stand. Celtic female, the
+proprietor of the apple-stand, hits asthmatic party with a brick. Both
+parties close in, and fight amid the ruins of the apple-stand. Driver
+starts the horses, but looks around to watch the fight. Horses sheer off
+to the starboard, and the hub of the hind wheel breaks down a lamp-post.
+Driver observes policeman approaching at a rapid speed. No time to
+survey the ruins, so he applies the lash, and we move away from the
+scene of the mishap at a speed ominous of swift destruction to
+horse-shoes and wagon-tires. Female, with three children, calls out to
+stop, and passes up a three-dollar bill. Driver inquires if she hasn't
+got any change. Female gives a negative response. Driver gives change in
+small pieces, retaining as fare the moderate sum of seventy-five cents
+for a woman and three children. Woman attempts to count the change.
+Driver sings out to 'Hurry up--behind time--can't wait all day.' Female
+bewildered, leaves with her children, and driver whips up the horses,
+remarking that he 'guesses she'll learn, after a while, not to pass up
+bills for stage-fare.' Soon reach Union Square. Tell the driver I'll get
+off. Offer him a sixpence. Driver says, 'he'll not take a cent; that if
+there ever was a nout-'n'-outer, I'm one, and he hopes that it won't be
+the last time we'll meet; and if he only had time, he wouldn't let me
+off without treatin' me.' I thanked him for his good opinion, shook
+hands, and jumped off the box.
+
+"Thus, gentlemen," concluded Mr. Dropper, "ends the history of my voyage
+on an omnibus."
+
+Mr. Quackenbush arose, and stated that he regarded Mr. Dropper's paper
+as a valuable addition to the historical writings of the country. He
+therefore moved that a gold medal be prepared by a committee of the
+club, of which the Higholdboy should not be an _ex-officio_ member, for
+presentation to Mr. Dropper. Mr. Dropper to pay the whole expense of
+procuring the same, and to stand a champagne supper for the honor
+conferred on him.
+
+The motion was carried with only one dissenting voice--that of Mr.
+Dropper, who said he didn't want any such expensive and equivocal
+honors.
+
+The presiding officer informed Mr. Dropper that he was fined three cents
+for contempt of club.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Over an hour was now passed in a state of inactivity. Some of the
+members slept and some didn't. As a means of inducing excitement of some
+kind, a member signalized the institution on the first floor for pork
+and beans for the entire crowd. This was promptly answered, and for a
+time the club had enough to engage its attention. After the aforesaid
+luxuries had been duly disposed of, the members proceeded to take seats,
+lie on the floor, prop themselves against the wall, and hang themselves
+up on a peg, as best suited their independent fancies. The presiding
+officer announced that the rules on this occasion would be enforced
+strictly. Accordingly, each individual present began to do exactly what
+pleased him, without any regard to the comfort, convenience, or personal
+predilections of anybody else. The Higholdboy first secured the left
+boot of every member present. After pulling a boot on each leg of the
+table, he put one on each of his hands, like a gauntlet, and then laid
+the seventh on the table. The object of Mr. Spout, in pursuing this
+eccentric course of conduct, soon became apparent, when he laid himself
+on the table, using the aforesaid solitary boot as a pillow, it being
+manifest that he desired to preclude the possibility of an adjournment
+during the nap, and inasmuch as it would be found inconvenient for the
+members to leave the premises with but a single pedal covering, and as
+it would be impossible for a member to secure the other, without
+awakening the most venerable and exceedingly somnolent Higholdboy, it
+will be apparent to the credulous reader that Mr. Spout's idea was quite
+ingenious.
+
+Under these circumstances, each member determined to make himself as
+comfortable as the time, the place, and the conveniences would admit of.
+
+Mr. Boggs was lying flat on his back, trying to drink a hot whisky-punch
+without breaking the tumbler, spilling the liquor, or getting the sugar
+inside his whiskers. Mr. Overdale was learning "juggling without a
+master," and was endeavoring to spin plates on his whalebone cane. In
+striving to acquire this elegant accomplishment, he had broken all the
+dishes in the premises. As he varied his plate-spinning endeavors with
+repeated trials at tossing the cups and balls, for which purpose he used
+the tumblers and coffee-cups, and as, whenever he caught one cup, he
+dropped two, and stepped on the fragments, the work of demolition went
+bravely on.
+
+Mr. Van Dam amused himself by blacking the faces of all the pictures in
+the room with charcoal. Dennis employed himself for an hour and a half
+in whittling off with a jack-knife one leg of every chair in the
+apartment, so as to make it four inches shorter than the rest. Wagstaff
+collected all the books he could find, and piled them into a shaky
+pyramid, which he was preparing to push over with a broomstick upon the
+head of the unconscious Higholdboy.
+
+Quackenbush had not been idle; taking advantage of the drowsiness of his
+superior officer, he had sewed the bottoms of that gentleman's
+pantaloons together with a waxed end, after which he made a moustache on
+himself with burned cork, and then painted the left side of his face in
+three-cornered patches like a sleepy harlequin, dyed his shirt-collar
+scarlet with red ink, and went to sleep in the corner to await the
+result, having first tripped up Mr. Overdale, who, by way of a new
+variation in his juggling performances, was now trying to balance the
+poker on his nose, while he held a rocking-chair in one hand and a
+hat-box full of oyster shells in the other. Dropper had a checker-board
+before him, and was superintending a game between his right and left
+hand.
+
+But suddenly, those of the Elephants who were in their waking senses,
+became sensible of a noise outside. It begun at the foot of the stairs,
+like the sound of a regiment of crazy Boston watchmen, all springing
+their rattles at once. The noise became louder, and seemed to be coming
+up the stairs, and now rivalled in sound a mail-train on a race. Now the
+uproar became more distinct, and evidently proceeded from some person or
+persons outside, who were provided with some ingenious facilities for
+kicking up a row, with which ordinary roisterers are unacquainted. These
+persons now began a furious attack upon the "outer walls." Mr. Overdale
+paused in his plate-breaking occupation, long enough to pour out a few
+emphatic sentences, addressed to the individuals outside, in which he
+consigned them to a locality too hot for a powder-mill, and then resumed
+his practice.
+
+As the door began to shake, Overdale laid down the poker, smashed what
+few large pieces of plates were left over the head of the recumbent
+Quackenbush, awoke the Higholdboy by rolling him off the table, aroused
+the rest of the party by a few kicks in the ribs, and then, undoing the
+fastenings of the door, was proceeding to expostulate with the
+disturbers. No sooner, however, had he opened the door, than a rush was
+made by the invaders, and Mr. Dropper upset by the besieging party. Mr.
+Dropper fell upon the stomach of the half-awakened Quackenbush, they
+both pitched into Mr. Boggs, and then all three rolled over the
+Higholdboy. This last-named personage, having the bottoms of his
+pantaloons sewed together, could not arise until the friendly jack-knife
+unfettered his lengthy legs. All parties being restored to the
+perpendicular, an immediate inquiry was made into the cause of the
+disturbance.
+
+Then it was discovered that the person who had kicked up this diabolical
+bobbery was no less a personage than the heretofore discreet and
+temperate Johnny Cake, aided and abetted by an individual unknown to the
+rest of the company, but whose appearance bespoke him to be one of the
+boys, who, although not an "Elephant," presented at first sight
+distinguished claims to be honored with that enviable distinction.
+
+Yes, Johnny Cake, the man who would never be persuaded to taste a glass
+of liquor of any kind, who had always endeavored to keep his companions
+from spirituous imbibition; the virtuous cold-waterite, whom the sight
+of a glass of brandy would give a cold chill, a whisky-punch throw into
+spasms, or a mug of "lager" give a teetotal convulsion, stood now
+before the astounded Elephantine brotherhood drunk, plainly, undeniably,
+unequivocally _drunk_.
+
+He had a black eye, and a swelled nose. His coat was on hind side
+before, and buttoned between his shoulders, while his pantaloons were
+entirely bereft of buttons, and were secured from parting company only
+by two pieces of telegraph-wire which, with commendable ingenuity, he
+had converted into extemporaneous metallic suspenders. His companion was
+in a singular state of derangement as to his personal attire, having no
+coat at all, and a red shirt over his nether continuations.
+
+As soon as the first expression of surprise was over, the Higholdboy,
+comprehending that something unusual had taken place, ordered the
+company to be seated. In obedience to this peremptory order from the
+most noble officer of the club, the Elephantines each took a seat, but
+as the inglorious young man before-mentioned had made the chairs
+exceedingly treacherous and insecure, by cutting off one leg of each,
+the immediate consequence of the attempt was another general
+sprawlification upon the floor, executed in a masterly manner by the
+entire strength of the company. After five minutes of vigorous polyglot
+profanity had somewhat relieved the feelings of the fallen
+Elephantines, and they had recovered their feet, they contrived to sit
+down; the chairs were as treacherous as ever, but being forewarned, the
+members were forearmed, and by dint of many exertions, contrived to
+maintain their seats with a tolerable show of dignity.
+
+Johnny Cake was too far gone to make any intelligible replies, or give
+any account of himself, and it was resolved to postpone his examination
+until he should get sober. His companion, however, who seemed to be
+something in the theatrical way, gave his own story in his own peculiar
+manner, but refused to enlighten the anxious brotherhood about poor
+Johnny.
+
+He possessed a facility of quotation equal to Richard Swiveller, Esq.'s,
+but he was as reckless about the exactitude of his extracts, and jumbled
+up his authorities with as much confusion as Captain Cuttle himself. He
+seldom gave a quotation right, but would break off in the middle and
+substitute some words of his own, or dovetail an irrelevant piece from
+some strange author, or mix up half-a dozen authors with interpolations
+of his own, in an inextricable verbal jumble.
+
+The Higholdboy and the stranger held the following conversation:
+
+"What's your name?"
+
+"Peter Knight; am a native to the marrow-bone.--That's Shakspeare."
+
+"Young man, strange young man, young man to me unknown; young man of the
+peculiar hat and ruby shirt, I fear to adapt my conversation to your
+evident situation; that you're drunk, emphatically drunk, I repeat it,
+drunk--drunk was my remark--D--Runk, drunk."
+
+"It's true, 'tis pity; pity 'tis there isn't the devil a doubt of
+it.--That's Scott."
+
+"Where did you get your liquor?"
+
+"Where the bee sucks, there sucks Peter Knight all day. Thou base,
+inglorious slave, think'st thou I will reveal the noble name of him who
+gave me wine? No, sir-ee, Bob.--That's Beaumont and Fletcher."
+
+"Ante up or leave the board; that is to say fire away, let us know, we
+won't tell. Although we never drink, we like to know where drink we
+might get, in case of cholera, or colic."
+
+"I do remember an apothecary and here-abouts he dwells; no he don't, he
+lives over in the Bowery--but in his needy shop a cod-fish hangs, and on
+his shelves a beggarly account of empty bottles; noting this penury to
+myself, I said, if any man did need a brandy-punch, whose sale is fifty
+dollars fine in Gotham, here lives a caitiff wretch who has probably
+got plenty of it under the counter. Why should I here conceal my fault?
+Wine ho! I cried. The call was answered. I have no wine, said he, but
+plenty of whis--. Silence! thou pernicious caitiff, quoth I; thou
+invisible spirit of wine, since we can get thee by no other name, why
+let us call thee gin and sugar. He brought the juice of cursed juniper
+in a phial, and in the porches of my throat did pour Udolpho Wolfe's
+distilment. Thus was I by a Dutchman's hand at once dispatched--not
+drunk or sober--sent into the dirty streets three-quarters tight, with
+all my imperfections on my head. The fellow's name? My very soul rebels.
+But whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the cuffs and bruises of
+this bloody Dutchman or to take arms against his red-haired highness,
+and by informing end him? I go and it is done. Villain, here's at thy
+heart! His name, your Honor, is Bobblesnoffkin in the Bowery. That's
+Shakspeare mixed."
+
+"Young man, whose shirt has escaped from all control, and now hangs
+loose, the posterior section of which has also sustained a serious, and,
+I fear, irremediable fracture, I have another question to propound;
+answer upon your life. Have you got a home?"
+
+"My home is on the deep, deep sea.--That's Plutarch's Lives."
+
+"How do you get your living?"
+
+"Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt
+truth to be a liar, but never doubt that I'll get a living while the
+oyster-sloops don't have but one watchman.--That's Billy S. again."
+
+"Do you pay for your oysters?"
+
+"Base is the slave that pays; the speed of thought is in my
+limbs.--That's Byron."
+
+"Do you steal them and then run away?"
+
+"I've told thee all, I'll tell no more, though short the story be; let
+me go back where I was before and I'll get my living without troubling
+the corporation. That's Tom Moore, altered to suit circumstances."
+
+"You ought to dispense with the brandy and gin."
+
+"Oh, I could be happy with either, were 'tother dear charmer bottled up
+and the cork put in.--That's Dibdin with a vengeance."
+
+"Young man, I fear you've led our young friend, whom you now see asleep
+amongst the broken crockery, from the paths of sobriety. What do you
+suppose will become of you if you go on in this way?"
+
+"Alas, poor Yorick!--Peter, I mean. Who knows where he will lay his
+bones? Few and short will the prayers be said, and nobody'll feel any
+sorrow: but they'll cram him into his clay-cold bed, and bury somebody
+else on the top of him to-morrow; the minister will come, put on his
+robe and read the service; the choir'll sing a hymn; earth to earth and
+dust to gravel, and that'll be the last of Peter Knight."
+
+The Higholdboy consulting with those members of the club who were still
+awake, it was resolved forthwith to put Peter Knight down stairs. As he
+went he remarked:
+
+"Fare thee well, and if for ever, all the better.--That's Byron, revised
+and corrected."
+
+Johnny Cake was manifestly too far gone to think of taking him to a
+hotel to sleep, and under these circumstances the club resolved itself
+into a committee of the whole, to remain in sleepy session all night, to
+take care of their prostrate fellow-member, Mr. Johnny Cake.
+
+
+
+
+JOHNNY CAKE'S FIRST SPREE.
+
+Whatever is, is.
+
+WRIGHT.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IN the last chapter of this veritable history is related the unexpected
+and unusually thorough inebriation of Mr. John I. Cake, from the verdant
+prairies of Illinois. The alcoholically-saturated condition of Johnny's
+corporosity, on the occasion herein-before-mentioned, surprised the
+thirsty brotherhood far more than would a similar state of facts in
+which any other one of the fraternity should have been implicated,
+because as Johnny had always perched himself upon the aqueous pinnacle
+of misanthropic teetotalism, it was not reasonable to suppose that he
+should, by one single dive, precipitate himself at once to the lowest
+depth of inebriation--for his profession's sake, he should have come
+down easier.
+
+As his new-made friends had taken his moral culture under their especial
+guardianship, he was duly required, the next evening, to give, for the
+instruction and edification of the club, a full account of his night's
+experience.
+
+Having first premised that he only complied with this desire in
+obedience to that imperative rule of the club, to which he had solemnly,
+affixed his name, which, in the most awful language, pledges every
+member who takes that terrible obligation to do exactly as he pleases,
+unless his own pleasure shall influence him otherwise, or unless, upon
+mature consideration, he shall decide that he had rather do something
+else, he proceeded to enlighten the anxious Elephantine expectants.
+
+"When I left you yesterday," said he, "I had no more idea that I should
+so far overstep the bounds of my customary propriety, and make my next
+appearance before you in a state of alcoholic disguise, than I have at
+this present moment that the setting sun will see me under arrest for
+picking somebody's pocket of a steam saw-mill. Strolling about yesterday
+for some time, I became tired of the monotonous hurry of Broadway, and
+eventually strayed into that delightful rural locality which you call, I
+think, the Bowery.
+
+"On the corner of this avenue of the rustic cognomen and Broome street,
+there is a place of refreshment for the weary. I entered its open doors,
+and sat down in a little three-sided closet, determined to procure the
+wherewithal to refresh the inner individual. Obedient to my upraised
+finger, a person came. This person had on a small white apron; this
+person also flourished in his dexter-digits a napkin of questionable
+purity; this person wore slippers, and had a voice like an asthmatic
+bull-frog; this person was a city waiter--a male waiter--a degeneration
+of the genus homo, which I sincerely hope will, at no very distant day,
+become utterly extinct. He procured for me the viands which my
+capricious taste selected from the suggestive printed list of edibles
+there to be obtained. While engaged in consigning to a living grave the
+bivalves he had brought, I had a fair opportunity to observe some, to
+me, remarkable gymnastics then in course of accomplishment by an active
+young man who presided at the bar, and held dominion over the bottles.
+First pouring into a tumbler some liquid, to me unknown, diluting it
+with water, adding ice, sugar, lemon, and other ingredients with which I
+am unacquainted, he proceeded to throw the compound about in the most
+unheard-of manner, from one tumbler to another, over his head, under his
+leg, round his neck, over one arm and under the other, without ever
+spilling a drop. First uplifting one hand high in air, he poured the
+mixture in a sparkling cascade from the glass in the right hand, to that
+in the left; then he threw it in a sparkling shower in the air, till the
+lumps of ice rattled on the ceiling; then he dispersed it in a misty
+spray about his head and recovered it all in his magic glass, by some
+diabolic dexterity, without losing the fraction of a drop; then, in one
+grand, final effort, he tossed it round the beer-pump, down one side,
+and up the other, and over the chandelier, changing a two-dollar bill
+while it was in the air, and giving his customer his drink with one
+hand, and with the other his silver change, intermixed with twenty per
+cent. of pewter dimes, which the thirsty buyer invariably pocketed
+before he could recover from his astonishment.
+
+"I finished my dinner, and was anxious to see the little man perform
+again. I approached the little man, and desired him to concoct me a
+lemonade. He inquired if I wanted a 'fly' in it. As the flying part was
+what I most desired, I answered yes. The little man went through the
+motions. I sent the lemonade to its destination, noticing at the time
+something remarkably nectarean in the taste. As I supposed the
+evolutions which it had accomplished in mid-air had imparted to it an
+unusual flavor, and as I wanted to see the performance again, I
+immediately subscribed for one more of the same sort. Again the question
+about the fly--again an affirmative, with a remark that the bigger the
+fly, the better I should be pleased, supposing that thereby he would,
+for my satisfaction, make it fly through some new motions. I am
+satisfied that this time the fly _was_ larger than on the former
+occasion. I was still unsatisfied; another subscription, and another
+lemonade, but this time the entomological interrogation was not
+propounded--he took the fly for granted, and he was right. About this
+time the person who came home with me last night made his appearance. I
+shook hands with him at once, for I thought I recognized him. I imagined
+that he was a man who, seven years ago, licked me with a rawhide for
+stealing his pippins and setting fire to his sugar-bush, and I was
+anxious to shake hands for old acquaintance sake. I beg now, however, to
+state that I am satisfied this impression was erroneous, for I have this
+morning a distinct recollection that the individual of pomological
+memory removed to Kansas, where he was first lynched for stealing a
+horse, and afterward chosen county treasurer and inspector of election.
+However, be that as it may, certain it is, that, at that particular
+moment, thinking I had fallen in with an old friend, I invited him to
+drink with me. He accepted, and presently he proposed punch, and made a
+remark about cobbler. Punch I had heard mentioned as the prince of good
+fellows, and I was anxious to make his acquaintance. Cobbler I had only
+heard of as a man of lapstones and leather aprons, and I did not
+particularly desire to know him. On receiving an introduction to Punch,
+I was amazed to find that he was not an individual but a drink--a
+luscious combination of fragrant ingredients. Although I was mistaken in
+the identity, I was pleased with him, and it may not be superfluous to
+remark that the more I saw of him, the more I wanted to see, and the
+more I did see. About this time I had _two_ friends; there were _two_
+active little men behind the bar, each throwing from double-barrelled
+tumblers two streams of lemonade over his head, each with two flies in.
+There were two beer-pumps, each with two dozen handles, and the number
+of bottles and decanters was beyond computation. The floor rose up and
+down in wooden billows, and knocked my hat off. I attempted to
+remonstrate with floor, but at this juncture the floor clinched me; we
+had a long wrestle, and finally went down--floor on top. By a convulsive
+exertion I 'turned' the floor, got it under, and stood on it to keep it
+down; had some compunctions about striking a fallen enemy, but passion
+got the better of me, and I tried to kick the floor; floor kicked back,
+and threw sand-dust in my eyes; got away; wanted to get out doors, but
+the room had changed about so, that the door was over my head, and the
+bar, with the active little men, was nearly under my feet; was afraid I
+should walk over the little men, and break the bottles; stepped very
+carefully so as to avoid any such accident, and put my foot in the
+stove. Peter rescued me from the devouring element, and got me out of
+doors.
+
+"Peter said he would see me home, and asked me where I lived; told him I
+was an elephant; made him understand that I could _show_ him the place
+where I hung out, even if I couldn't tell him--so we started.
+
+"We must have come through Chatham street, for I can remember seeing
+some one with a hammer, selling clothing. I know I wanted to go in and
+make some purchases. The ruling idea in my mind, at that moment, was,
+that the grey mare wanted a winter overcoat, the oxen a pair of striped
+pantaloons apiece, that the sow, and each of her tender offspring, ought
+to have a red jacket and a pair of spectacles, and that it was a matter
+of necessity and charity to purchase seven dozen hickory shirts to keep
+the blue jays away from the apple-trees. I went in, and commenced
+bidding. I know I was not particular about prices, and that any
+opposition provoked me exceedingly--so much so that I bid twenty-three
+dollars for a second-hand pocket-handkerchief, because, when the
+auctioneer started it at ten cents, and I offered fifteen, a hook-nosed
+Jew bid three cents over me. Auction over at last; man with the hammer
+wanted me to pay up--found that I had bought three quarters of his
+stock, and hadn't money enough to settle the bill. I know I gave him all
+I had, and also my coat and neckerchief to make up the balance. I also
+have a distinct recollection of calling him a Hebrew robber, upon which
+he knocked me in the eye with his hammer, and followed up this
+declaration of hostilities by splitting my nose with a yard-stick. We
+got out of doors, and proceeded down town. On the corner of Chambers
+street the Third Avenue Railroad squared off, and knocked me down. Peter
+held me steady, while I rebuked the offender in proper terms. The Third
+Avenue Railroad took off its hat and apologized. I forgave it.
+
+"We went into a cellar; got in by a complicated dive. I sat down at
+first on the piano, next on a pile of oyster-shells, and, finally, by
+the aid of a huge pair of whiskers, with a little Dutchman behind them,
+deposited myself in a chair--on top of Peter. Peter got out after a
+prolonged struggle; place very hirsute; big beards on everybody; ten
+parts of hair to one part Dutchman. My vision may have been slightly
+deranged, but I am certain that one diminutive German had two pairs of
+whiskers--a moustache just over his eyes, and a four-foot yellow beard
+which sprung from his teeth. We drank lager bier.
+
+"Peter quoted Shakspeare when the man said "pay up," and insisted on
+singing an English chorus to a Dutch song; company indignant, Peter
+very valiant, but too few in number. Peter fought, Peter kicked, Peter
+swore, Peter was overpowered, Peter was elevated in the arms of four
+stout Dutchmen above the heads of the company. Exit Peter, through the
+window. In leaving the room myself, I, too, received some uncalled-for
+aid, but finally rejoined Peter on the sidewalk above.
+
+"I spied the mystic light which told me the Elephantine resort was close
+at hand--couldn't fetch it--asked M.P.--he said if we'd tell him the
+address he'd show us--tried to recollect it--couldn't exactly make it
+out, but said at a venture, corner of Maiden Lane and Canal
+street--officer indignant--we finally found the place, tried to come up
+still so as to surprise you, but I am willing to admit that attempt to
+be a partial failure; we reached the door at last; it wouldn't
+open--Peter called it Sebastopol, and proposed that we should storm
+it--we resolved ourselves into an attacking party of two, called to our
+aid a twelve-feet plank as a battering-ram, and by hard blows persuaded
+the door to yield--that broken panel is a forcible example of the power
+of moral suasion.
+
+"When I remark that, judging from my present sensations, I should
+imagine a six-horse-power threshing-machine to be in the height of
+successful operation in my head, immediately over my eyes, there are
+perhaps some sympathizing persons in the room, who have experienced the
+same delicious sensation, and can therefore 'phancy my pheelinks.'"
+
+The members of the club expressed themselves eminently satisfied with
+Mr. Cake's statement of his experience, and the Higholdboy requested
+that Mr. Cake should inscribe in the records the said experience, in
+order that it might not be lost to future generations. Mr. Cake promised
+to do so.
+
+Mr. Spout, being seized with a fit of liberality, ordered punches for
+the company, and two of the same kind for Johnny Cake, which Johnny
+indignantly refused, saying that, if before his recent experience in
+wholesale dissipation, he had disliked alcoholic beverages, such were
+his feelings now, that the dislike amounted to an abhorrence. Mr. Spout
+said it was all right, as in such case he should drink them all himself.
+
+Mr. Dropper remarked that some two or three years previously, when he
+first arrived from Cincinnati, and before he had became fully posted up
+in the various phases of unwhipped rascality in New York, he had, on one
+occasion, owing to his ignorance, got into the station-house.
+
+A general sentiment as expressed was, that Mr. Dropper should state the
+history of the circumstance, or be immediately expelled from the club,
+and kicked down stairs, minus his coat, hat, and boots.
+
+Mr. Dropper said that he found it impossible to resist the gentle
+persuasions of his companions.
+
+"Fellow quadrupeds," said he, "soon after my arrival in this mass
+meeting of bricks and mortar, I read in a morning paper the announcement
+of an extraordinary gift enterprise, which some benevolent and
+philanthropic individual had set on foot, with the view of making
+everybody, in general, and himself, in particular, rich. I thought of
+the subject for several days. The idea of securing a farm of three
+hundred acres in New Jersey, all in first-rate condition, with houses,
+barns, and fences ready-made, at the moderate cost of a dollar, was
+rather agreeable than otherwise, and the more I reflected upon the
+matter, the more I became satisfied that such a bargain was a
+consummation most devoutly to be wished for. One night I went to bed
+thinking of the farm. Finally I fell asleep, and
+
+   'Sleeping I dreamed, love,
+   Dreamed love of'----
+
+seeing six cats, each with two tails, and each tail eight feet long,
+and afterwards a seventh cat with a bob-tail. When I awoke in the
+morning, I attempted to interpret my dream, and I readily found a
+meaning. I put the figures together in the order above--that is to say,
+six cats, two tails, eight feet long, one cat bob-tail, which latter, I
+thought, was equivalent to a nought, and I had the following result:
+62810. I concluded that this was the lucky number which was to get the
+farm. I posted off immediately to the office of the gift enterprise, and
+called for number 62810, and laid down my dollar. The dollar was
+accepted, and the ticket was handed me, done up in an envelope. I was
+confident of having the title deeds to the premises given me as soon as
+the drawing should take place, and as that event was set down for the
+next week, and there was no time to be lost, I contracted for thirty-two
+head of cattle, and all the necessary farming utensils, in order to be
+ready to commence a life of ease and luxury, at the earliest practicable
+moment, after the said real estate should come into my possession. I
+also advertised for two stout farm-hands, to assist me in following the
+prospective agricultural pursuits. I had some three hundred and
+sixty-eight answers. I finally engaged two athletic Irishmen, who were
+recommended by their late employer as being excellent farm-hands, and
+who, in addition, possessed this virtue, that, when drunk, they were
+satisfied to abuse one another, and never their employer.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"The day of the drawing at last came, and I went to the office to get my
+deed, for I never doubted a single instant that I had drawn the big
+prize. I entered the office, and told the clerk that I would take the
+documents.
+
+"'What documents?' said he.
+
+"'Why, my deed of the magnificent country mansion and farm in New
+Jersey, with three hundred acres of land, and a house with all the
+modern improvements.'
+
+"Gentlemen, I have been, in the course of my life, kicked by a horse,
+knocked into a cocked hat by a threshing-machine, and had my hair singed
+off by chain-lightning, but neither one of these occurrences so
+astounded me as did that red-haired clerk, when he informed me that my
+ticket had drawn a gold pen, with a silver holder, and a place in the
+top to put pencil-leads in.
+
+"Gentlemen, I was not furious, I was perfectly cool; but when I jumped
+over that counter, and laid hands on that red-haired clerk, I will admit
+that it was my calmly-settled intention to eat that red-haired clerk for
+luncheon, notwithstanding his cock-eye. A hasty glance at the mud on his
+boots, and the metal buttons on his coat-tails, caused me to alter my
+original amiable intention, and I made up my mind to be gentle with him,
+and merely whip him so his mother wouldn't be able to tell him from a
+Little Neck clam on a large scale, and then leave him to live through it
+if he could.
+
+"I struck him once, and he laid down in a corner among some bottles,
+with his head in the gas-meter, and in one minute from that time he was
+one universal damage.
+
+"The proprietor being done for, I proceeded to demolish the
+establishment; I didn't leave, of the chairs, tables, and desks, a piece
+big enough to make a bird-cage, and having turned on all the gas, I was
+seriously debating whether I should not set the whole shop on fire, and
+sue for the insurance, when the two Irishmen, whom I had engaged to work
+my farm, made their appearance. I told them to clear out, to budge,
+move on, leave, but they evidently took me for a swindler, and were
+bound to pay me off. They pitched into me; our amiable struggle to put
+each other's eyes out attracted a crowd; the muss became general;
+everybody went in, and before the policemen came there was considerable
+music. Nobody was bashful, and the result was four interesting cases of
+black eye, a pathetic instance of demolished nose, two lovely examples
+of swelled head, an agreeable specimen of peeled shin, seven
+illustrations of the beautifying power of finger-nails, when forcibly
+applied to the physiognomy, and three convincing exemplifications of the
+power of the Irish fist in extracting opposing teeth, without the aid of
+forceps or turnkey. The police came at last, and arrested the entire
+multitude. That night we slept in the station-house. I don't want to say
+anything against the bunks in that station-house, but this I _do_ say,
+that if there ever is a bed-bug convention, and that station-house is
+not well represented, it won't be because any lack of population
+deprives them of the right to a strong delegation; and if, at any
+national mass meeting of fleas, they stand in need of ten or fifteen
+thousand to make up a quorum, the station-house of that ward can supply
+them, without any perceptible decrease of its entomological census.
+
+"In the morning we were conducted before the Justice, but as there were
+about forty cases to be heard before mine, I had ample leisure to look
+about, and take a realizing sense of the beauties of my situation. The
+case of myself and others was at length reached. The officers swore to
+the muss, as if the numerous broken heads were not sufficient evidence
+that there had been a difference of opinion. One of the Irishmen became
+a volunteer liar in his own behalf, but the Justice recognized him as an
+old customer, often brought up for drunkenness, and knowing him to be a
+reliable liar, he placed his evidence all to my credit, and discharged
+me without even a fine, but with the assurance that if I came there
+again he would 'send me up.' Not wanting to make any such equivocal
+ascension as a matter of experiment, I have kept away from him, and cut
+up all my subsequent monkey-shines in another ward, which is out of his
+jurisdiction."
+
+After Mr. Dropper closed, there was a brief silence, in which each
+member quietly smoked his pipe, apparently reflecting upon the morals of
+lotteries. At last Wagstaff inquired who won the farm.
+
+"I forgot that," resumed Dropper. "I learned from an advertisement which
+appeared in the daily journals, that ticket number 6281 drew the farm.
+This number, you will observe, corresponds with the one I supposed would
+be the lucky one, except that in mine a nought was annexed to the four
+figures, making it 62810, instead of 6281. My mistake grew out of a
+misinterpretation of my dream, in respect to the bob-tailed cat, I
+having assumed that the diminutive nether extremity, in this instance,
+was equivalent to a nought expressed, whereas, if I had let it remain a
+nought understood, and had acted accordingly, I should have been the
+lucky man."
+
+"Not so lucky as you imagine," remarked Quackenbush, "for the facts of
+that matter I am somewhat familiar with. A country fiddler, living up in
+Connecticut, held the ticket which entitled the holder to the real
+estate aforesaid. He saw the advertisement, and I being the only
+acquaintance he had in the city, he wrote to me to secure the deeds, as
+he couldn't raise the money to come down. I called at the office of the
+managers of the enterprise, and presented the ticket. They said it was
+all right; congratulated me on the luck of my friend, and told me to
+call a week from that time, and they would be prepared to execute the
+deed. This I thought was very fair, and I left the office. On the
+appointed day I called, and found the office closed, as the managers
+had sloped."
+
+The conversation then turned upon Police Courts, and the facilities
+which they afforded in aiding a person to get glimpses of the elephant.
+It was conceded that the experience of Dropper, just related, opened
+very fair, and, on the suggestion of Mr. Quackenbush, it was resolved:
+
+1. That the members of the club do make it their business
+
+2. To visit the Police Courts
+
+3. Before the next meeting of the club.
+
+The meeting was adjourned by the club, singing, "We're all jolly good
+fellows."
+
+
+
+
+THE POLICE COURTS.
+
+"I do remember Ann--"
+
+A. POTHECARIE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+SEVERAL evenings passed before all the members of the club again
+assembled. In the meantime the quantity of manuscripts had become
+unusually large, the members having found that the Police Courts were
+prolific in sights of the colossal quadruped. When they did meet it was
+whispered that one of the members had had some personal experience, not
+only as a spectator but as a prisoner. No questions, however, were
+propounded upon the subject, in a tone loud enough for the member in
+question to hear, as they desired to allow him to speak of the matter
+voluntarily, confess his fault, and receive the forgiveness of his
+fellows.
+
+The proceedings of the evening were opened by the Higholdboy, who took
+his official seat, announced that the special order of the meeting was
+to hear the reports of members who had been present at the sessions of
+the Police Courts, with the view of noting down their zoölogical
+features.
+
+The Higholdboy called upon Dennis, Wagstaff, and Overdale for the result
+of their visit to the Police Courts. Wagstaff's notebook was produced,
+and the lengthened narratives inscribed therein went to show the
+following state of facts.
+
+Wagstaff arose one morning at six precisely, and, after having hit
+Dennis with his own wooden leg, and pulled Overdale's eyes open by his
+whiskers and hair, announced to them if they were going to visit the
+Essex Market Police Court that day, to see the animals, that it was time
+to rise. They slipped on their clothing as soon as possible, and
+started somewhat sooner. They passed the Odd Fellows Hall, which
+Overdale expatiated upon at some length as an extensive log-chain
+factory. He formed his conclusion from seeing three links of chain
+represented in a conspicuous part of the building. The Westchester House
+he informed them was Washington's head quarters, and under this belief
+they stopped some time to look at it, and speak of it in connection with
+the many stories related of that interesting relic of the architecture
+of the last century.
+
+They arrived at length at the Essex Market, in the upper part of which
+the police magistrate of that judicial district sits in a big chair, for
+the purpose of dealing out retail justice and getting a wholesale
+living.
+
+The trio ascended into the court-room, where the justice was seated,
+disposing of the hard cases which had accumulated during the night.
+Overdale was still communicative. In answer to the inquiries of Dennis,
+he informed that gentleman that the police clerks were associated
+justices, that the prisoner's cage was the jury-box, and pointed out the
+prisoners themselves as the jury. The humble member of the police, who
+is known as the doorman, Overdale said answered well the description of
+the Chief of the Police, contained in one of the historic works of John
+McLenan. Dennis inquired where the prisoners were. Overdale was unable
+to answer, but at last expressed it as his opinion that the persons who
+were standing about them must "be the malefactors." Dennis said he never
+could satisfactorily account for the jurors being tried, and sent out of
+the room in charge of officers, but he had too much confidence in the
+extensive knowledge and vast intelligence of Overdale, to suppose that
+his hirsute friend could possibly be mistaken. In consequence of this
+misplaced confidence on the part of Wagstaff and Dennis, the notebook of
+the former was filled with notes of the trials of the different members
+of the jury.
+
+One case of which Wagstaff took full notes, was that of Edward Bobber, a
+seafaring man, of very peculiar appearance, possessing some remarkable
+characteristics of manner, dress, speech, looks, and action. He was
+charged with being drunk. In the way of physical beauty, Edward was
+decidedly a damaged article. He had lost one arm by a snake-bite, and
+been deprived of an eye by the premature explosion of a pistol, which
+broke his spectacles at the same time it extinguished his sinister
+optic. The unexpected descent of a ship-mate, from the tops, upon his
+head, had turned his neck so that he seemed to be keeping a perpetual
+look out over his shoulder with his remaining eye. His nose resembled a
+half-ripe tomato, and a pair of warty excrescences hung upon his face,
+as if some one had shot a couple of marbles at him, which had stuck to
+him for life. His complexion bore a close resemblance to the outside of
+a huckleberry-pudding. His teeth, which were unusually long, projected
+backward, as if they had taken a start to grow down his throat. This
+last peculiarity was, undoubtedly, one cause of a remarkable singularity
+of speech, which seriously impaired his natural facility of
+conversation. Some idiosyncrasy of disposition, probably, had also
+something to do with this lingual embarrassment, but certain it is, that
+Mr. Edward Bobber never answered one question until he was asked
+another, to which last he would give the reply intended for query number
+one. Whether his mental faculties needed always a second-interrogative
+punching up, or whether the fangs projecting downward retained one
+answer until displaced by another, Wagstaff and his friends were unable
+to decide; but they truly believe that an inquiry propounded to Edward
+Bobber, aforesaid, would have remained unanswered until doomsday, unless
+a second question followed the first.
+
+A transcript of a conversation between him and the Clerk of the Court
+reads as follows:
+
+"_Clerk._--Where were you born?
+
+"The prisoner removed his solitary orb from its guardianship, over his
+left shirt sleeve, rolled it slowly round until it commanded a fair view
+of the questioner, but said nothing. The clerk, nothing daunted,
+continued:
+
+"'How long have you been in this country?'
+
+"The face assumed a look of intelligence, and answer No. 1 came out.
+
+"_Edward._--Broome County.
+
+"_Clerk._--How old are you?
+
+"_Edward._--Two years.
+
+"_Clerk._--How long have you been drunk?"
+
+"_Edward._--Thirty-four years, seven months, and nine days.
+
+"_Clerk._--Where did you get your liquor?
+
+"_Edward_ (rolling his eye toward the Judge).--Been on a spree four
+days.
+
+"_Judge_ (very indignant).--Did you say I've been on a spree?
+
+"_Edward._--Old Mother Bidwell's, down in Mott street.
+
+"_Clerk._--Do you mean hereafter to treat this Court respectfully?
+
+"_Edward._--No, sir; I hope not.
+
+"_Officer with red hair._--If you ain't crazy, I'm a jack-ass.
+
+"_Edward._--Yes, sir, of course.
+
+"The excited Judge here commenced making out his commitment, but the
+Clerk, who began to see the fun, thought best to ask him a few more
+questions first, and accordingly inquired of Bobber what he traded in,
+as he seemed to own a sloop. The prisoner, who had been cogitating upon
+the last remark of the red-haired officer until he had waxed wroth,
+burst out:
+
+"'Jack-ass! jack-ass! yes, you _are_ a jack-ass; not a doubt of it.'
+
+"_Clerk._--Come, tell me what kind of liquor did you drink yesterday?
+
+"_Edward._--Soap, candles, coffee, bar-lead, chickens, coal, pine
+kindling-wood, smoked hams, and white-wood shingles--
+
+"_Judge_ (interfering).--Prisoner, you are only getting yourself into
+trouble. My patience will give out. I can't stand everything. Do you
+think I'm made of patience?
+
+"_Edward._--Whisky; nothing but whisky, sir; upon my honor.
+
+"The last answer proved too much for the gravity of the Court. The
+Judge, the Clerk, the attendant officers, and all smiled audibly. A
+whispered word from the Clerk explained to the Justice the true state of
+the case. Edward was discharged, and as he departed from the
+court-room, an officer, two blocks away, heard him, in answer to a
+request for a penny proffered by a little girl, give what was
+undoubtedly intended as a detailed reply to the last interrogative
+remark of the Police Justice."
+
+The case of Mr. Palmerston Hook, which was also reported in Wagstaff's
+notebook, would seem to indicate that there was more than one way of
+catching fish.
+
+"Mr. Hook was brought up as a vagrant. He was a smooth-faced individual,
+about old enough to vote, dressed in rather grotesque, flashy clothes,
+very much worn. The sleeves of his coat were quite large, in accordance
+with the prevailing style. But they served a purpose of utility, as was
+developed by the evidence, in a rather novel profession which Mr. Hook
+followed.
+
+"The principal witness was Mr. James Skinner, a very respectable dealer
+in Catherine Market, who devotes his time and talents to purchasing eels
+from the catchers thereof and selling the same to citizens and others
+who desire to enjoy the luxury of eating eels, either fried or done up
+in the form of pie or any other form. Mr. Skinner has obtained for
+himself an enviable popularity as a man of integrity. It has never been
+said of him that he ever sold an eel whose recent advent upon dry land
+from the salt water was a matter of serious question; and to think that
+Mr. Palmerston Hook should have selected Mr. Skinner's stock to
+depredate upon is a matter of some surprise. Mr. Skinner testified as
+follows:
+
+"'This 'ere feller came to my eel-stand yes'day mornin' and asked me how
+eels was? Sez I, 'Good as usu'l,' and I axed him if he wanted to buy.
+Sez he, 'How much?' Says I, 'Eight'n pence.' Sez he, 'Is them all yer
+got?' Sez I, 'Yis.' Ye see, jest before this feller come up, I counted
+'em and there was 'zactly 'lev'n. Then this 'ere feller he 'gun to paw
+'em over, and kinder jumble 'em up together, which I thowt was wery
+funny; and at last, sez he, 'Guess I won't take none this mornin'.' He
+acted so kinder sneakin' that I thowt he wasn't all right, and 'fore he
+got out of sight I counted the eels an' found one on 'em was missen. I
+put for this 'ere feller and ketched him at the corner, an' I found my
+'spicions was right, for on searchin' the chap I found a neel up in 'is
+coat-sleeve.'
+
+"_Judge._--How did he keep the eel up in his sleeve?
+
+"_Mr. Skinner._--Well, that was done in a kinder 'genus way; he had a
+fish'ook on the end of a line, an' the line was run up the right
+coat-sleeve, over 'is shoulder, an' it come down inside of 'is coat on
+the left side, an' he come up to the stand, an' wen he was a kinder
+pawin' over the eels he was a ketchin' the fish'ook in the tail of the
+eel, an' as soon as it was ketched in he pulled the line with his left
+'and an' drawed the eel up inter 'is sleeve; an' as soon as it was
+drawed up he stopped pawin' an' left, an' 'ere's the fish'ook an' line
+wot I found on 'im; an' I think he oughter be sent to Blackwell's Island
+for bein' a wagrant.
+
+"_Judge._--Hook, what have you got to say for yourself?
+
+"_Mr. Hook._--I 'aven't got nothin' to say honly I vos wery 'ungry and
+vas a lookin' along in the market ven I 'appened to see the heels vot
+this 'ere hold cock 'ad. Sez I to m'self, sez I, now, I'll hax the price
+and mebbee the hole voman may vant von if they's cheap. Vell, I 'appened
+t'ave a 'ook and line in my coat, vich I spose haccidentally got ketched
+in von of the heels, and ven I left to go and tell the hole voman 'ow
+cheap they vas, it 'ung on to the 'ook.
+
+"_Judge._--That's a pretty story to tell me. Do you suppose I am going
+to believe it?
+
+"_Mr. Hook._--On the honor of a gentleman that vas the vay it 'appened.
+
+"_Judge._--At any rate, I shall send you up for three months.
+
+"_Mr. Hook._--Bust me, I honly vish you 'ad to try it three months
+yourself, you vouldn't think it vas quite so funny.
+
+"Mr. Palmerston Hook was conducted below.
+
+"Another interesting feature of the proceedings during the morning grew
+out of the case of Mr. Wallabout Warbler, whose name was the last
+called.
+
+"Mr. Warbler had reached the last stages of shabby gentility. Time had
+told sadly on his garments, originally of fine material and fashionable
+cut. His black, curly hair was whitened out by contact with whitewash,
+and his nose had become a garden for the culture of blossoms by far more
+common than they are proper. But Mr. Warbler, despite the reverses which
+he had evidently suffered, stood proudly and gracefully erect. If the
+external man was in a state of dilapidation, the spirit still was
+unhurt. He smiled gracefully when the Judge addressed him and told him
+that he was charged with having been arrested in a state of drunkenness.
+
+"Officers Clinch and Holdem were the witnesses against Mr. Warbler. They
+stated substantially that about one o'clock that morning they found Mr.
+Warbler standing in a garbage-barrel, on the edge of the sidewalk,
+extemporizing doggerel to an imaginary audience. They insisted upon his
+stopping, when Mr. Warbler told them that it was a violation of
+etiquette to interrupt a gentleman when he was delivering a poem before
+the alumni of a college. He was evidently under the influence of liquor,
+and quite out of his mind. They thought, for his own safety, that they
+had better bring him to the station-house.
+
+"_Judge._--Mr. Warbler, you have heard what the officers have stated
+about your eccentric course of conduct; how did you happen to get drunk?
+
+"_Mr. Warbler._--'Twas night, and gloomy darkness had her ebon veil
+unfurled, and nought remained but gas-lamps to light up this 'ere world.
+The heavens frowned; the twinkling orbs, with silvery light endowed,
+were all occult on t'other side a thunderin' big black cloud. Pale Luna,
+too, shed not her beams upon the motley groups which lazily were
+standing round like new disbanded troops--
+
+"_Judge._--It's not to hear such nonsense that I occupy this seat--
+
+"_Mr. Warbler._--A death-like stillness e'er prevailed on alley, pier
+and street.
+
+"_Judge._--To listen to such stuff, sir, I can't sacrifice my time--
+
+"_Mr. W._--Don't discombobilate my thought and interrupt my rhyme; I
+think that when misfortune is put on its defence, poetic justice, logic,
+law, as well as common sense, demand its story all be heard, unless _ex
+parte_ proof is to send poor friendless cusses underneath the prison's
+roof. Shall I proceed?
+
+"_Judge._--Proceed; but don't make your tale too long.
+
+"_Mr. W._--I'll heed your words, depend upon't. I own that I was wrong
+in rushing headlong as I did into inebriation, but let me question now
+the Court; is it not a palliation of the depth of human guilt if malice
+don't incite to break in divers fragments State laws wrong or right, and
+when only human appetite, uncontrolled by human reason leads men of
+genius, oftentime, the dish of life to season with condiments which _pro
+tem._ the mental palate tickle, yet very often, in the end, put human
+joys in pickle which ain't so cussed funny; though all of the expense of
+grub and the _et ceteras_ the public pays for; hence, I ask this Court
+(believing that its feelings are not hampered) if justice should not
+ever be with human mercy tempered?
+
+"_Judge._--Perhaps. Now, tell me, Warbler, where you bought your liquor.
+
+"_Mr. W._--Anon I'll tell you. Last week, Judge, prostrate was I, far
+sicker than to me's agreeable, with the diarrhea chronic, and
+sympathizing friends advised that I should take some tonic. I asked them
+what: at once they said, 'Get some lager-bier.' 'Twas got. 'Drink
+freely, boy,' said they, 'nothing need you fear, but you'll be up and on
+your legs.' The lager-bier 'was took;' soon every object in my sight had
+a very drunken look. Lager-bier (to German ears the words may be
+euphonic.) Tonic, certainly, it was, but decidedly too--tonic. Abnormal
+thirst excited it, and I went to great excesses (the statement's quite
+superfluous, my nose the fact confesses). Last night, attracted by the
+scenes which Gotham's streets present, I dressed myself in sombre
+clothes, and out of doors I went; to quench my thirst did I imbibe the
+more of lager-bier at Hoffman's on the corner, several squares from
+here. No more know I, 'cept in the morn I wakened from my sleep, and
+having sowed, perhaps I'll learn that likewise I must reap.
+
+"_Judge._--Have you got ten dollars?
+
+"_Mr. W._--'Tis true, I hain't a red; I suppose the words unpleasant
+which next to me'll be said; that because by my imprudence my
+pocket-book's collapsed, in prison drear must I remain till ten days
+have elapsed.
+
+"_Judge._--I'll let you go this time.
+
+"_Mr. Warbler._--Ha, say you so? Is't true, that though my offence is
+rank, in vain I did not sue for mercy; ne'er 'll I fail to say both
+through thin and thick in the circle of my acquaintance that you're a
+perfect brick.
+
+"Mr. Wallabout Warbler left the room."
+
+Mr. Van Dam announced that he had visited the Jefferson Market Police
+Court one morning, and though there was much in the proceedings that was
+uninteresting, he had yet been able to collate some facts which he
+doubted not would be regarded as worthy of being recorded upon the
+minutes of the club.
+
+After taking a punch, Mr. Van Dam proceeded.
+
+He stated that a dozen or two individuals, all of whom, not having the
+fear of the law before their eyes, and being instigated by a morbid
+thirst, and who did in the city and county of New York drink, swill,
+imbibe, smile, guzzle, suck, and pour down various spirituous,
+fermented, or malt liquors, wine, beer, ale or cider, and from the
+effects thereof did get drunk, were severally favored with moral
+lectures and ten dollar fines. The first were not appreciated, and the
+second were not paid.
+
+But the case which interested Mr. Van Dam most was that of four boys,
+named Frederick T. White, Michael Keefe, John Wheeler, and Manning
+Hough, who were arraigned on a charge of disorderly conduct. They were
+bright-looking boys of about thirteen years of age, dressed in plain but
+neat clothes, and with the exception of White, did not seem much to like
+the position they occupied. There was a devil-may-care, though not a
+vicious look, about White, which was positively refreshing. He seemed to
+rather like the position than otherwise, and from a roguish leer that
+was observed in his eye as he surveyed a personage who was to appear as
+the witness against him, Mr. Van Dam was led to anticipate something in
+the shape of novelty, and he accordingly prepared for the worst. The
+Judge told the boys the nature of the charge against them. The name of
+the witness being called, Mr. Conrad Heinrich Holzenkamp announced his
+presence by an emphatic 'Here.'
+
+Mr. Holzenkamp was a man who was the very ideal of a lager bier saloon
+keeper. His weight was at least two hundred and seventy-five pounds, one
+half of which could be set down to lager bier. His height was not more
+than five feet eight, but the circumference and diameter of the lager
+bier were enormous. He carried himself erect by necessity to balance
+the lager bier in the front. His hide was in wrinkles across the back
+of his neck whenever he held back his head, and every wrinkle seemed
+ready to burst with lager bier. Mr. Holzenkamp's face looked lager bier;
+Mr. Holzenkamp walked lager bier, drank and ate lager bier in
+alternation. He thought lager bier, dreamed lager bier. In brief, Mr.
+Holzenkamp was composed of two things: first, the effects of lager bier;
+and second, lager bier.
+
+Mr. Blotter, the clerk, administered the oath in his characteristic
+manner as follows:
+
+"You solemnly swear, in the presence of Almighty God, that the evidence
+which you shall give in the present case, shall be the truth, the whole
+truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, kiss the book, and
+get out of my way.
+
+"_Mr. Holzenkamp._--I can shwear to all de dings vat you shpeak, but to
+tell de whole troot, dat can I not shwear; ven I can dinks fon all dese
+boys have done, I tells you more as genuff to sends them to de
+Benidentiary for so long as dey lives; a hoonerd dings dey do vot I
+dinks not of.
+
+"_The Court._--Kiss the book, Mr. Holzenkamp.
+
+"The witness proceeded to bring a gill of lager bier contained in his
+nose, and a half gill of lager bier contained in his lips, in contact
+with a venerable Bible, which has been so familiar with crime by long
+association that we almost wonder the text has not been long since
+corrupted as much as the cover. Lager bier and the Bible having come in
+contact, lager bier is supposed to be incapable of lying.
+
+"_The Court._--Mr. Holzenkamp, please state the circumstances connected
+with the arrest of these boys.
+
+"_Mr. H._--Vell, on Vensday night, at von o'clock, my koostumers dey all
+goes vay fom mine lager bier saloon, und I say to Yawcob to go mit him
+and put up de blinds; ven he goes out mineself, mine vife, ve drinks
+some lager bier, and den I dakes de money and counts dem and puts dem in
+mine pocket; ven Yawcob come in ve locks de door, and goes de shtairs up
+to shleep; vel mine vife and I get to de bed in, so soon as ve can, and
+den I shleeps; ven I bin shleep leetle vile mine vife she shakes me and
+say, 'Heinrich, de cats dey makes noise in de shtreets so dat I cannot
+shleep;' ven I vakes up I hear so much cats squall in de shtreets dat I
+dinks dere vas a meetin fon cat politicians. But dey makes so much noise
+I cannot vink mine eyes vonce to shleep; so I get up and goes to de
+window and say 'shcat,' 'shcat;' but de more I say shcat de more dey
+vill not shcat. I say to mine vife, 'Katrina, you bin so younger and so
+smaller as I bin, you go down in de shtreets and drives 'vay de cats.'
+My vife den goes down, and ven she opens de door de cat squalls not
+more, and she looks to see dem, but dere is not cats in de shtreets. Ven
+she comes de shtairs up again and say de cats bin gone ve lie on de bed
+to shleep; vell, ven I bin yust shleep most, mine Gott! I hear de cats
+so louder as before, and I say to mine vife all de cats in de city bin
+come on the shtep-valk fon mine lager bier saloon; dey squall like
+hoonerd dyvels, and I try more to shcat dem vay. But it was no goot; dey
+shquall--I cannot say to you so bad as dey shquall. Mine vife say dere
+bin a tunder-shower fon cats; ven I lie in mine bed and shtand it so
+long as I can, I jump up und shwear dat I shoots all de cats in de
+vorld; I dakes mine bistol and runs de shtairs down, but I bin so mad,
+und I go so quick, dat I falls the shtairs over, und in a minute finds
+mine head knock on de vall, my right hand in some Schweitzer cheese, de
+oder in de shpit-box, und von foot in de big ice-pitcher; so soon as I
+can gits up and goes to de door und opens it, I goes on de shtep-valk,
+und mine foot shlips, and I falls down on mine back, and breaks all de
+bones in mine body; I feels mine hand on de shtep-valk, and I find it
+bin all covered mit soft soap; I dries to raise mineself, but I bin so
+heavy dat I down falls before I get up; yust den mine vife come and help
+me, and bulls me fom de shtep-valk in de door; ve do not hear de cats
+den, und so ve goes to de beds again; so soon as ve lie down I hears de
+cats so vorse as de oder time--I hears notings but cats; I never was so
+much afraid except vonce ven a lager bier barrel fly in bieces; I goes
+to de vindow and I dinks I hear dem on de awning, und I gets out; yust
+den de cats shtop, but I say I vill find vere dey bin on de awning; I
+valk along und my foot trips on some shtrings, and ven I fall I hear one
+loud cat-shquall dat fright me so dat I dinks I bin fall on more as
+dhree hoonered cats; ven I can get up I feels on de shtrings, und I
+valks till I finds a box; I brings de box to de vindow; Katrina gets de
+lamp und dere ve find in de long vood shoe-box seven cats vat vas fixed
+dis way: seven notch holes vas cut in de side de box, and de cats was
+put in de box mit deir heads shtick out de holes; on de oder side de box
+was seven leetle notch holes vere vas de cats' dails, und a shtring vas
+tie to all de cats' dails; I know dat de cats come not in de box by
+demselves, und so I look to see vere vas de boys; I comes de shtairs
+down again, goes on de shtep-valk so soft as I can, and I finds vere de
+strings comes down fom de awning; I keeps hold de shtring till I find
+it come to a big sugar hogshead by de next house, and dere I find dese
+boys; yust den I say 'Vatch!' and de boliceman comes and dakes de boys
+to de station-house; I believe dey is de same boys as trouble me before.
+
+"_The Court._--Boys, what have you got to say for yourselves for such
+conduct?
+
+"Master White volunteered to act as spokesman. He said:
+
+"Well, one day we was a playing in front of this 'ere man's lager bier
+saloon, and he come out and threatened to lick us if we didn't stop. We
+kept on, and bine-by he comes to the door when we wasn't a lookin', and
+threw a pailful of dirty water on us. We thought we'd got as good a
+right to the street as he had, so we made up our minds to be even with
+him, and we got the box and cats and serenaded him.
+
+"Mr. Holzenkamp stated that he baptized the boys a few days before as
+described. The boys promised not to bother lager bier saloon keepers any
+more, in consideration of which they were discharged."
+
+Mr. Van Dam stated that the last case called was that of Mr. Timothy
+O'Neil.
+
+The case he said occupied the attention of the court nearly a half
+hour, owing to the difficulty which the court experienced in getting him
+to make direct responses to his questions.
+
+"Timothy appeared in a grey dress-coat--that is to say, it was high in
+the waist, with a short and pointed tail, a feature oftener produced by
+tailors than by literary men of the present day. Timothy's vest was red;
+his breeches were made of corduroy. Below them were long coarse
+stockings and brogans.
+
+"The evidence went to show that Timothy had been found drunk in the
+street, but he was not communicative on the subject. He did not call the
+officer a liar after he had heard him give his evidence, nor tell the
+judge that he was an 'owld tief.' He said nothing until he was asked to
+take the usual oath. The Judge said: 'Mr. O'Neil, put your hand on the
+book.' Mr. O'Neil complied cautiously, fearing the result of his act.
+When the words of the oath were uttered he made the sign of the cross,
+and after being requested by the court, kissed the Bible.
+
+"_The Clerk._--What's your name?
+
+"_Prisoner._--The same as me father's.
+
+"'What was his name?'
+
+"'The same as mine.'
+
+"'Tell me your name or you shall be locked up.'
+
+"'Timothy.'
+
+"'And what else?'
+
+"'I haven't any middle name.'
+
+"'I mean your last name.'
+
+"'O'Neil.'
+
+"'How long have you been in the city?'
+
+"'Since I come to the counthry.'
+
+"'How long is that?'
+
+"'Pat Hooligan can tell ye betther nor I can.'
+
+"'What month was it?'
+
+"'The first Sunday in Lint.'
+
+"'Where do you live?'
+
+"'Wid Biddy and the childer.'
+
+"'Where do they live?'
+
+"'The second floor, back room, bad luck to the bugs that's in it.'
+
+"'I mean what street?'
+
+"'Mike Henessy's store is on the first floor.'
+
+"'Tell me what street the house is on?'
+
+"'Who the divil can tell whin they are changin' the names of the
+blackguard streets so much?'
+
+"'What was the street called before the name was changed?'
+
+"'Anthony street; they calls it by another name now.'
+
+"'Worth street I suppose you mean?'
+
+"'I mane that the painter should have put it Worthless street.'
+
+"'Whereabouts in Worth street?'
+
+"'Three doors from the corner.'
+
+"'What corner?'
+
+"'The corner of the street.'
+
+"'What street?'
+
+"'The street three doors above.'
+
+"'Well what is its name?'
+
+"'Bad luck to you, why didn't ye ax me that before?'
+
+"'Well, tell me the name.'
+
+"'Faith I don't know miself. It's an alley.'
+
+"'Well, what's the number of the house?'
+
+"'The number on the door do you mane?'
+
+"'Certainly.'
+
+"'There isn't anny.'
+
+"'What is your trade?'
+
+"'Me father never 'prenticed me.
+
+"'I mean what do you work at?'
+
+"'I don't do any work.'
+
+"'Why?'
+
+"'Because you've got me locked up in prison.'
+
+"'Will you tell me what you work at when out of prison?'
+
+"'I'm a laborin' man, sir'
+
+"'At what were you employed?'
+
+"'Haird work.'
+
+"'What kind of work?'
+
+"'In the shores' (sewers).
+
+"'You are charged with being drunk.'
+
+"'Dhrunk, is it. Faith, I never was more sober in my life than I am at
+this minute.'
+
+"'That may be; but here are a half-dozen men who are ready to swear that
+they saw you drunk yesterday.'
+
+"'Av it comes to that, can't I bring twiste as manny who will swear that
+they didn't see me dhrunk yisterday.'
+
+"'What kind of liquor did you drink?'
+
+"'Mighty bad liquor, and ye'd say the same av ye was to thry it.'
+
+"'Was it malt or spirituous liquor?'
+
+"'It was nayther; it was whisky.'
+
+"'Where did you purchase it?'
+
+"'At the Dutchman's.'
+
+"'Where is his store?'
+
+"'On the corner.'
+
+"'What corner?'
+
+"'The corner nearest to where they're buildin' the shtore.'
+
+"'Where is that?'
+
+"Where I was workin'.'
+
+"_The Court._--What was O'Neil doing when you found him?
+
+"_Officer._--He was lying very drunk in a hole which he had been
+digging.
+
+"_Prisoner._--Be me sowl you're wrong for wonst; I didn't dig the howl;
+I dug out the dirt and left the howl.
+
+"'Were you ever up before the Court before?'
+
+"'No, nor behind aither; when I want to be again, I'll sind to your
+honor and let ye know.'
+
+"'If I let you of this time will you keep sober?'
+
+"'Faith I will, unliss the Dutchmin keep betther liquor nor they do
+now.'
+
+"'You may go.'
+
+"'Thank ye, sir--ye're a gintleman, av there iver was wan.'
+
+"Mr. Timothy O'Neil left the court-room."
+
+Mr. Dropper also proposed to relate the experience of some half a dozen
+mornings which he had spent in the pursuit of amusement under
+difficulties, when he had occupied himself in seeing the sights around
+the Jefferson Market Police Court.
+
+"On one of the mornings which I devoted to visiting the Tombs," said Mr.
+Dropper, "the class of prisoners varied. Most of them claimed to be
+from the western of the British Isles. Others said they were born in
+Cork, Clare, Down, and other counties. A number answered to patronymics
+to which were prefixed the letter O, and an apostrophe. One party, who
+called themselves Fardowners, looked brick-bats at another party who
+occupied a remote corner of the cage, and who claimed to be
+Connaughtmen. The remainder of the prisoners were Irish.
+
+"An interesting feature in the proceedings of the morning was a case in
+which Owen Shaughnessy, Patrick Mulholland, Michael O'Shea, Timothy
+Leahey, Dennis Maroney, Dermot McDermott, Phelim Flannegan, Bridget
+O'Keefe, Mary McBride, Ellen Dougherty and Bridget Casey were the
+defendants. As the Judge called out their names, the prisoners severally
+responded. They were all, as their names would indicate, of Irish birth.
+The men, evidently long-shoremen and laborers, and the women, servants.
+Their garments, in some instances, were torn, and in other ways
+disarranged and soiled. The men, and in one or two instances the women,
+showed bruises about their faces and hands, indicating their active
+participation in a recent scrimmage, from the effects of which they had
+not had the time, or soap and water, to enable them to recover.
+
+"Mr. Gerald O'Grady, who stands at the head of the bar at the Tombs,
+and who, under adverse circumstances and strong competition, has been
+enabled, by his talents, to keep up his tariff of fees, from which he
+has never deviated, appeared as counsel for the prisoners. Mr. O'Grady
+has never been known to defend a case for less than fifty cents, unless,
+actuated by feelings of commendable philanthropy, he has volunteered his
+professional services gratis. It may be reasonably supposed that his
+success has excited the envy of the 'shysters;' for while they have to
+sit oftentimes a whole morning beside their respective granite columns
+at the Tombs, without being called upon to defend a case, Mr. O'Grady's
+presence in the court-room is in frequent demand. Mr. O'Grady had been
+retained in this case, I learned, by seven of the defendants, at a
+certain specified fee for each man, he volunteering his professional
+services to the ladies without charge. He announced to the Court that he
+represented the defendants, and that they were ready to have the trial
+commence.
+
+"'Is Mr. O'Grady your counsel?' the Judge inquired of the defendants.
+
+"'Yes, yer honor,' said one of the parties addressed; 'didn't I pay him
+five shillings--divil a hap'ny less--for to defind me.'
+
+"'Five shillings?' said Mr. O'Grady, indignantly, 'you mane that as a
+retainer, of coorse.'
+
+"_Defendant._--I mane that's all ye'll get, anny how----
+
+"_Counsel_ (loudly).--Say, sir, it is time for you to know that, as a
+client, you should addhress the Coort only through your counsel. (To the
+Court.) Sir, my clients here, paceable citizens, stand ready for to
+answer, through me, to the diabolical chairges which designin' min have
+brought against thim, feelin' within their breasts----(Here Mr. O'Grady
+hit one of his clients a severe blow in his bread-basket).
+
+"_Assaulted Client._--Oh! h-h--.
+
+"_Counsel_ (to client).--Keep your mouth shut, why don't you? (To the
+Court.) Feelin', as I said before, widthin their breasts, the proud
+consciousness of their entire innocence of anny charges which their
+accusers could dare for to bring against thim.
+
+"The witnesses were Sergeant Ferrett and Officers Snap, Catcher,
+O'Grasp, Ketchum, Holder, and Van Knabem.
+
+"Officer Holder stated, in substance, that while patrolling his beat
+during Thursday night, the inmates of a house, No. 83-1/2 Pacific Place,
+began to get very disorderly. From the howlings and noises which he
+heard, he came to the conclusion that there was a wake in the house. Not
+desiring to stop the disturbance by any violent means, he knocked at the
+door, with the view of telling them that they were disturbing the public
+peace, and requesting them to desist. No response was made to his knock.
+He then put his mouth to the keyhole of the door, and announced to them,
+as audibly as he could, that unless they desisted, he should have to
+call other officers and arrest them. No attention was paid to his words.
+Sergeant Ferrett arrived soon after, and inasmuch as the disturbance
+continued to increase, they called in the other officers to make a
+descent on the place, not, however, until they had first endeavored, by
+their voices, to make the inmates of the house understand the
+consequence to them, in case they persisted in their unlawful course.
+Officer Ketchum, who had formerly patrolled the beat, knew of a rear
+entrance to the house through an alley, and they accordingly entered the
+house by that way. They found about twenty persons present, men and
+women, engaged in a promiscuous scrimmage, howling, drinking, and
+fighting. The orders of the sergeant to cease their disturbance did not
+avail anything, which decided them to arrest the leading actors in the
+scene, which they forthwith accomplished, after some considerable
+resistance on the part of the company. They brought them to the
+station-house. The remainder of the party subsequently retired or left
+the place, which was quiet for the rest of the night.
+
+"The remaining officers confirmed the evidence of officer Holder, in
+such of its particulars as they were acquainted with. All of them were
+cross-questioned, more or less, by Mr. O'Grady, without, however,
+eliciting any new facts of material interest.
+
+"Mr. O'Grady introduced, as a witness for the defense, Mrs. Katheleen
+Hennesy.
+
+"Mrs. Hennesy is a lady of about forty-five years of age, five feet ten
+inches in height, weighing about two hundred and fifty pounds. She has a
+florid face. Her dress was remarkable for the extent with which it was
+ornamented with highly-colored ribbons and laces, gathered in fantastic
+bows.
+
+"Mr. Blotter, the clerk, administered the usual oath.
+
+"Mrs. Hennesy, having kissed the book, the examination was commenced.
+
+"_Mr. O'Grady._--Misthress Hennesy, will you state to the Coort if
+you're the proprietor of the house No. 83-1/2 Pacific Place.
+
+"_Mrs. Hennesy._--Av coorse I am, and divil a hap'ny is there owin' to
+anny man for what's inside of it.
+
+"_Mr. O'G._--What kind of a house do you keep there?
+
+"_Mrs. H._--Is it for to prove that the charackther of me house is not
+good that yer afther axin' the question?
+
+"_Mr. O'G._--Misthress Hennesy, could ye make it convanient to thrate
+this Coort wid becoming respect, by answerin' the questions that I put
+to ye, for the purpose of establishin' a definse of these ladies and
+gintlemen, some of whom, I am towld, are inmates of yer house? What kind
+of a house, I'll ax ye wonst more, do ye keep?
+
+"_Mrs. H._--It's a respectable, honest boordin'-house; bad luck to the
+blackgaird that says it's not.
+
+"_Mr. O'G._--Will you plase to state to the Coort the facts of the
+unfortunate occurrence that thranspired in yer house last night?
+
+"_Mrs. H._--For the matther o' that, there's mighty little for to tell;
+for it was nothin' more nor a wake, barrin' that the corpse come to life
+widout showin' the civility of first tellin' the mourners that he wasn't
+dead at all at all, and sayin', 'By yer lave, I'd rather not be, av it's
+all the same to yez.'
+
+"_Mr. O'G._--It's about that, Misthress Hennesy, that his honor is a
+waitin' for ye to spake of. Now, thin, will ye relate the facts?
+
+"_Mrs. H._--Well, plase yer honor, it was yestherday mornin' airly that
+I heard Timothy Garretty was up stairs in his room, very sick, and like
+to die. I dhressed myself, and sent for the docther, and went up stairs;
+and throth Tim was a lyin' there in wan of his fits, wid which he had
+been often throubled before; and before the docther could come to him,
+the circulation of his brathin' had stopped entirely. Well, yer honor,
+Tim had manny frinds in the house, and as he was an owld boordher, we
+thought to howld a wake over his body. He was laid out, and put into a
+coffin. At night all of his frinds come into the room, where everything
+was illegantly arranged for the wake. They had begun to dhrink their
+whisky, and was enjoyin' themselves in a gintale way, whin Pat
+Mulholland, he sthruck Mike O'Shea over the eye for somethin' that Mike
+had said, and wid that Mike's frinds and Pat's frinds got themselves
+mixed up in a free fight together. At that time, plase yer honor, who
+should I see arisin' from the coffin but Timothy Garretty himself, and
+restin' on his hands. By my sowl I was freckened, for I thought it was
+Tim's apparition that was appearin'. Thin Tim spoke up; 'Bad luck to
+yez,' says he, 'isn't it a fine thing yez is doin'--havin' the whisky
+flowin' free, and a free fight, too, and keepin' me a lyin' in this
+blackgaird box on the broad of me back, widout ever so much as axin' me
+if I had a mouth on me at all at all?' Wid that somebody who was a
+strikin' happened to hit Timothy a clout in the eye, which knocked him
+back into the coffin.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"'Who the divil did that?' sez Tim, as he made a spring from the coffin
+on to the floor, dhressed all up in his white clothes. 'Show me the man
+that shtruck me in me eye;' and wid that Tim he commenced a shtrikin'
+out, and he shtruck Dennis Marony under the but of the lug. Whin they
+saw Tim out of his coffin, they stopped a fightin', and fell on their
+knees, and commenced a sayin' their prayers. 'What's the matther wid
+yez?' says Tim.
+
+"'Are ye not dead?' says Larry O'Brien.
+
+"'Yes, as dead as a nest of live flaze,' says Tim.
+
+"'Then yer alive,' says they.
+
+"'Thry me wid some whisky,' says he; and wid that they got up and give
+Tim some whisky, which he never dhrank wid a betther grace nor thin.
+Well, as Tim wasn't dead, they couldn't howld the wake, but they said it
+would be a pity to lave the whisky to spoil, so they agreed that they'd
+have the spree just the same. Tim was purty wake from his fit, and so it
+didn't take long to make him dead dhrunk, whin we laid him in his bed.
+Afther that, yer honor, they kept on a dhrinkin', and was fightin' in
+the most frindly way, whin the M.P.s come into the door, and tuck some
+of thim off to the station-house. I thin shut up the house, and the rest
+wint to bed.
+
+"_Judge._--Mrs. Hennesy, where is Timothy, the corpse?
+
+"'Here, sir,' said a cadaverous-looking Hibernian, 'a little the worse
+for dyin' widout bein' very dead.'
+
+"_Judge._--I think you're good for a few years yet if you take care of
+yourself. Mr. O'Grady, have your other witnesses anything to testify in
+addition to what Mrs. Hennesy has stated?
+
+"_Mr. O'Grady._--I belave not, yer honer. The material facts of the
+definse are sufficiently proven by Misthress Hennesy's evidence. Av the
+Coort plase, I have a few words to say in behalf of me clients here,
+which, av the Coort will hear me, I will make brief and to the point.
+
+"_Judge._--Go on.
+
+"_Mr. O'Grady._--Thin, av the Coort plase, I will state that the ground
+of my definse of these gintlemen and ladies against the unfounded
+chairge of their disturbin' the public pace, is that the chairge is
+unthrue in point of fact. Sir, what are the facts? A man dies, and his
+friends congregate about the corpse to perform their last friendly
+offices to his remains, in accordance with a custom justified by
+thradition, ratified by usage, sanctified by antiquity, vilified by
+these officers of the law when they call it a disturbance of the public
+quiet, crucified when they burst in the house of mournin' and interfered
+wid it in the name of the law; and, sir, I shall now proceed to
+establish a definse, _bone fide_, with the soundness of which I belave
+yer honor will be satisfied. Sir, the Constitution guarantees to my
+clients freedom of conscience; the stairs and sthripes wave proudly
+over a land in which religious despotism never dare show its repulsive
+form; and yet these officers dare to say that a custom, which is almost
+a pairt of the religion of these my clients, is a disturbance of the
+public pace. Sir, the institutions of our counthry air endangered by
+such perceedin's. And who was they disturbin'? Wasn't every man and
+woman and child in Pacific Place of the same nationality of these my
+clients? Air not their ethnological instincts runnin' in the same
+channels? Was they disturbed? No! Every man and woman and child there
+would have admired the devotion of these my clients, to their ancient
+national thraditions and customs. There they was wan wid another doin'
+their last friendly offices to their deceased friend in a fraternal
+fight over his corpse. Sir, what a sublime spectacle for the human mind
+to contemplate. I wondher that the officers were not thransfixed by the
+solemnity and moral grandeur of the scene.
+
+"_Judge._--Mr. O'Grady, I think that the fact of the dead having come to
+life, and having been put to bed dead drunk, proves disastrous for your
+argument, even admitting its soundness.
+
+"_Mr. O'Grady._--Thrue it is, yer honor, that the wake was perceedin'
+without the corpse, as thradition has it, that wonst upon a time Hamlet
+was played widout the Prince of Denmark; but, yer honor, it was the
+fault of the corpse, and not of that assembly of mourners. If Timothy
+Garretty had chosen to have remained a dacintly-behaved corpse, thin the
+objection which yer honor has raised could not have weighed against me
+clients here, and I press it now upon yer honor should my clients here
+be held accountable for the shortcomings of the corpse? I think not,
+sir.
+
+"_Judge._--I think, Mr. O'Grady, you may dispense with further argument,
+as it would be superfluous. Mrs. Hennesy's house and its inmates have
+never been complained of before that I am aware of, and in consideration
+of this fact I'll discharge the prisoners, giving them warning, however,
+in the future that if they are any of them brought before me again, I
+shall not deal with them so leniently. You may go.
+
+"The interesting party left the court.
+
+"The business of the court having been quite extended, the Judge cast
+eyes upon the clock, observing that the hour was already advanced, but
+as he looked at the list of cases before him, he observed with a seeming
+satisfaction, that he had now reached the last; he felicitated himself
+with the idea that in a few moments he would be at liberty to leave the
+premises, and after finding his way to some neighboring restaurant,
+partake of his judicial sirloin steak and coffee. He was evidently
+fatigued, but he put on a good-humored face as he called out:
+
+"'Timothy Mulrooney.'
+
+"'Here, sir,' said a young Milesian, remarkable for nothing in
+particular; 'here I am, sir:' and Timothy Mulrooney stepped forward to
+the bar.
+
+"The Judge addressed the prisoner:
+
+"'Timothy,' said he, 'you are charged with disorderly conduct.'
+
+"'Yes sir, he is, and it's me that chairges him wid that same,' spoke up
+an old woman, dressed in a heavy, blue cloth cloak, and an antiquated
+cap and bonnet.
+
+"_Judge._--Are you the witness?
+
+"_Woman._--Av coorse I am, your honor, and it's me pride that I can
+spake against Tim Mulrooney--the dirty tief of the world that he is (to
+the prisoner), and I wondher, Tim, that you're not ashamed to howld up
+yer head before his honor.
+
+"_Judge._--Madame, state the facts as they occurred.
+
+"_Witness._--Well, place your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or
+Saturday mornin', I don't know which; but be that as it may, it doesn't
+make anny difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor
+wants for to know, when I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my
+door; sez I to myself, now Michael has come wid the porgies, and--
+
+"_Judge._--Who is Michael?
+
+"_Witness._--And don't ye know Michael, sure? he is my own child, and a
+betther-behaved and more dacent boy nor him never sang at a wake; and he
+can rade and write yer honor, as well as annybody, barrin' that whin he
+comes to the big words he has to skip them, and guess at what they mane;
+but that is not his fault, yer honor, for Michael never had any time to
+go to school, still--
+
+"_Judge._--Madame, you shouldn't let your tongue fly off in a tangent in
+this way. What we desire to know is relative to the charge preferred by
+you against Timothy Mulrooney, here.
+
+"_Witness._--Yes, your worship, I was just comin' to it when ye
+interrupted me. (To the prisoner)--Ah, you murdbering tief, it's on
+Blackwell's Island that ye ought to be, instead of bein' here to face
+his honor in the indacent way that ye'r doing now. (To the Judge)--Well,
+your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or Saturday mornin', I can't tell
+which, but be that as it may, it does not make anny difference, because
+it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to know, when I heard
+the horn of a fish-cairt in front of me door. Sez I to myself, Michael
+has come wid the porgies. You see, your honor, Michael owns a
+fish-cairt, and he sells fish, and what he doesn't sell he brings home
+for us to ate. He towld me in the morning, that he would thry for to
+save some of the porgies for dinner. Thin I wint out ov the door, and
+sure enough it was Michael. 'Michael,' sez I; 'What,' sez he; 'Is it
+here ye's air?' sez I; 'Sure it is,' sez he; 'Did you save the porgies?'
+sez I; 'Av coorse I did,' sez he; and wid that he commenced takin' out
+the fish from the cairt.
+
+"_Judge._--What has all this to do with Timothy Mulrooney's offensive
+conduct? you have not shown as yet that he has done anything wrong.
+
+"_Witness._--Yer honor need have no fears but I'll convince yez that a
+dirtier spalpeen nor him niver was allowed to go unhung among a dacent
+people. (To the prisoner)--Ah, Tim, ye villain, I wondher that the ship
+didn't sink wid ye on board when ye left the ould counthry; I'd like to
+see ye show a receipt wid yer passage-money paid, ye--
+
+"_Judge._--Madam, I must insist upon your addressing yourself to the
+Court; you have no business to speak to the prisoner at all. Although he
+may have done wrong, yet so long as he is in my presence he shall be
+protected from the assaults of your tongue.
+
+"_Witness_ (excited).--The assaults of me tongue! Howly St. Pathrick, do
+ye hear that? Yer honor, I'm a dacint woman wid a family of childher and
+divil a word was ever spoke against me charackther before.
+
+"_Judge._--I said nothing against your character. I want you to confine
+yourself to what Timothy Mulrooney did to disturb the peace and quiet of
+your domicile.
+
+"_Witness._--I will yer honor. It was on Friday mornin', or Saturday
+mornin', I don't know which, but be that as it may, it don't make anny
+difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to
+know; ah, yer honor, I have it now--it was Friday mornin'--we was to
+have porgies for dinner, and not mate, because it was Friday--
+
+"_Judge._--All this is worse than nothing; you are taking up the time of
+the court by your tedious talk, which, so far as I can see, has no
+bearing whatever on the charge you have seen fit to make against this
+man Timothy.
+
+"_Witness._--Haven't I been trying for the last ten minutes to tell ye,
+and ye'll not not let me? It's wid a bad grace that yer honor reproves
+me for not tellin' ye what I know, whin it's yerself that is
+interruptin' me. Well, yer honer, it was on Friday morning, whin I heard
+the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my door, sez I to myself, now
+Michael--
+
+"_Judge._--I don't want to hear that story any more. You have told that
+several times already. State the facts about Timothy. Come down to the
+time when he commences to figure.
+
+"_Witness._--Ah, bad luck to the thratement that I get here. Has any of
+my illusthrious family the O'Briens ever done annything against yer
+honer that yez should illthrait me in this way?
+
+"_Judge._--Not that I am aware of. Now go on with your evidence.
+
+"_Witness._--Well, yer honor, as I was about to tell ye, it was on
+Friday mornin' whin I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my
+door. Sez I to myself--now Michael has come wid the porgies.
+
+"_Judge_ (impatiently).--Mrs. O'Brien, I--
+
+"_Witness._--Me name's not O'Brien; I'm a married woman, and me name is
+Flaherty; me name was O'Brien when I was a girl.
+
+"_Judge._--Well, then, Mrs. Flaherty, O'Brien, or whatever your name is,
+I have heard of these porgies and that fish-cart so often that they have
+grown stale; now tell me what occurred between you and Timothy
+Mulrooney?
+
+"_Witness._--How do I know but ye'll intherrupt me again before I have
+said five words?
+
+"_Judge._--You may rest assured that I will not if you will tell what
+Tim Mulrooney has done that is contrary to law.
+
+"_Witness._--I could tell ye enough to hang him a half-dozen times, if
+he had as manny necks as that; (to the prisoner) ye know I could, Tim,
+ye--
+
+"_Judge_ (perspiringly).--Mrs. O'Flaherty--
+
+"_Witness._--Flaherty, widout the O, yer honor.
+
+"_Judge._--Well, whatever your name is, you must not say anything to the
+prisoner in this court. Go on now, and if you will tell what he has done
+I'll not interrupt you.
+
+"_Witness._--Now remember yer promise, ye honor. It was on Friday
+mornin'--
+
+"_Judge_ (despairingly).--You're at it again. I--
+
+"_Witness._--Howly mother of Moses! I told yer honor how it would be wid
+ye; here I haven't said more nor five words before yer at yer owld
+thricks again.
+
+"_Judge_ (much vexed).--What did Timothy do with your fish?
+
+"_Witness._--He didn't do annything wid them that time, barrin' that he
+saw Michael bring them in the house, and I heard him tell Biddy
+Mulrooney, his mother, who lives in the next room to me, that he would
+rather live on praties and bread, as they was a doin', than to ate
+stinkin' porgies that nobody else would buy; I know the Mulrooneys was
+jealous.
+
+"_Judge._--Did Timothy create any disturbance then?
+
+"_Witness._--No, yer honor, he didn't.
+
+"_Judge._--Then why did you have him arrested?
+
+"_Witness._--It was afther thin that the spalpeen made the disturbance.
+
+"_Judge._--When was that?
+
+"_Witness._--It was yestherday mornin'.
+
+"_Judge._--What did Timothy do?
+
+"_Witness._--It wasn't Tim, but his cat.
+
+"_Judge._--Then it seems that you have entered a charge against Timothy
+Mulrooney of disorderly conduct, which, by right, you should have made
+against Timothy Mulrooney's cat, always provided that cats are amenable
+to municipal law.
+
+"_Witness._--By my sowl, yer honor, ye've got it mixed up again. Now why
+didn't ye wait until I could tell ye.
+
+"_Judge._--Go on; I am reconciled to my fate. As a particular favor, I
+should like to have you finish within a half hour.
+
+"_Witness._--Well, yer honor, as I was tellin' ye, the Mulrooneys was
+jealous of us because we had fish and they didn't. Yestherday mornin'
+Michael brought home more porgies (the Judge here heaved a deep sigh)
+and I laid them on top of a barrel in the passage to wait till I could
+dress them; what next, yer honor, did I see but Tim Mulrooney's big tom
+cat on the barrel atin' the fish; I heaved a pratie at the cat and it
+ran off wid the porgies; just thin I saw Tim Mulrooney laughing at what
+the cat was doin'; I know the blackgaird had towld the cat to ate the
+porgies; I called to Michael, and I run toward Tim to bate the tief as
+he deserved, whin my foot slipped and I furled over on the broad of my
+back; wid that Tim laughed the more, and Michael run to him, and was
+about to give him a tap on the sconce, whin Tim struck Michael a blow in
+his bowels, which quite prostrated him on the floor; with that I ran and
+got the M.P., who brought the murderin' tief to the station-house.
+
+"_Judge._--Well, Mrs. Flaherty, I think, according to your own story,
+the prisoner acted more in his own defence than any other way.
+
+"_Witness._--In his own definse! Bad luck to the tongue that says so.
+Is--
+
+"_Judge_ (to prisoner).--Timothy Mulrooney, I am by no means sure that
+your cat did not eat the Flahertys' fish with your connivance. If the
+cat did so, you did wrong; but for that you are sufficiently punished by
+your imprisonment last night. I think you might have been less hasty in
+striking Michael. Is Michael in court?
+
+"_Mrs. Flaherty._--He is. Stand up, Michael, before his honor.
+
+"Mrs. Flaherty, Michael and Timothy were standing together in a row.
+
+"_Judge._--Now I am going to insure perfect harmony in your house for
+six months to come; I shall bind each of you over in the sum of $200 to
+keep the peace.
+
+"This was almost too great a humiliation for the blood of the O'Briens
+to bear; but there was no alternative. Mrs. O'Brien Flaherty satisfied
+herself as well as she could by looking screw-drivers at the Judge;
+Michael appeared demure, and Timothy appeared jolly. The bonds were
+given, and the interesting trio left the court.
+
+"The Judge rose from his chair, and made a bee line for breakfast."
+
+During the various narrations which were given during the evening, Mr.
+Quackenbush remained seated in the corner, saying nothing and doing as
+much. His eyes were partially closed, and an occasional sigh was all
+that escaped him.
+
+When Mr. Dropper concluded the reading of his contributions, it was
+moved that Mr. Quackenbush open his mouth, and say something, under the
+penalty of having it pried open with the poker.
+
+This caused Mr. Quackenbush to open his eyes; and, after various
+preliminary hems and coughs, he announced that there was a certain rule
+of evidence which gave a witness the right to refuse to say anything
+tending to criminate himself. He should avail himself of that rule.
+Having said these words, Mr. Quackenbush rolled over on the floor, drew
+himself into double bow knot, and was soon snoring against noise.
+
+In the meantime Mr. Spout had taken the floor, and stated that he had on
+one occasion been over at the Essex Market Police Court. He was there
+the involuntary witness of the trial of a case, which might account for
+the non-communicative disposition manifested on the present occasion by
+Mr. Quackenbush. During the proceedings, the justice called out the
+name of R. Percy De Laney Blobb; and in response to the call a tall
+individual arose and came forward. "I thought I recognized in the
+individual in question," continued Mr. Spout, "a person whom I had seen
+before, and I was not mistaken. He was wild, and disposed to regale the
+assembled company with a numerous collection of songs, which he had at
+his tongue's end. His dress was much disarranged.
+
+"The evidence of the officer who had arrested the tall gentleman, went
+to show that he had offended against the laws, by disturbing the rest
+and quiet of an unappreciative neighborhood, by bawling forth at
+midnight most unmelodious yells, which, when he was apprehended, he
+assured the officer were capital imitations of Sontag, Grisi, and
+Grisi's new baby. When arrested the individual was in a plebeian state
+of drunkenness--not so much so but that he could sing, as he called it,
+and could talk after an original fashion of his own. His ideas were
+slightly confused; he informed the officer that he had been to hear
+Louisa Crown sing the Pyne Diamonds, and that he met a friend who took
+him to a billiard shop to see a clam race; that he and his friend bet
+the whisky on the result; that he drunk for both, and that they had
+passed the remainder of the evening in a 'magnorious manner,' singing
+'Storm Columbus,' 'Yankee Boodles,' and the 'Scar Strangled Bladder.'
+
+"The officer had taken him to the lock-up, where he had finished the
+night singing 'Good Old Daniel,' whistling the 'Prima Donna Waltz,' and
+playing an imaginary piano-solo on the floor, in which attempt he had
+worn off some of his finger-nails. When he was before the court he had
+not yet recovered his normal condition. He was still musically
+obstinate, and refused to answer any questions of the Judge, or make any
+remarks, except in scraps of songs, which he sang in a low voice, mixing
+up the tunes in a most perplexing manner. Being possessed of an
+excellent memory, and having a large assortment of melodies at his
+command, his answers were sometimes more amusing than relevant. The
+Judge proceeded to interrogate him somewhat as follows:
+
+"_Judge._--What is your name, sir?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'My name is Robert Kidd, as I sailed'--
+
+"_Indignant Officer._--He lies, your honor. Last night he said his name
+was Blobb.
+
+"_Judge._--Where do you live?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Erin, Erin is my home.'
+
+"_Knowing Officer._--He isn't an Irishman, Judge; he's a Connecticut
+Yankee, and lives in East Broadway.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'That's eight times to-day you have kissed me before.'
+
+"_Officer._--Please, your honor, he's an octagonal liar, I didn't.
+
+"_Judge._--Where did you get your liquor?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Way down south in Cedar street; rinctum'--
+
+"_Judge_ (to officer).--What's that he says?
+
+"_Attentive Officer._--At Ringtown's in Cedar street.
+
+"_Judge._--What number in Cedar street?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Forty horses in the stable.'
+
+"_Officious Officer._--Ringtown's, No. 40 Cedar street, your honor.
+
+"_Prisoner._--(Voluntary remark, sotto voce.) 'A jay bird sat on a
+hickory limb--he winked at me and I winked at him.'
+
+"_Indignant Officer._--Who're you winkin' at?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Nelly Bly, shuts her eye.'
+
+"_Officer._--You'd better shut your mouth.
+
+"_Judge._--What have you got to say, prisoner?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Hear me, Norma.'
+
+"_Officer._--Well, go on, go on.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'O blame not the bard.'
+
+"_Judge._--Nobody to blame but yourself.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Did you ever hear tell of Kate Kearney?'
+
+"_Knowing Officer._--Keeps a place in Mott street, your honor.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'O! O! O! O! O! Sally is the gal for me.'
+
+"_Judge_ (to officer).--Who is Sally? Some disreputable female I
+suppose.
+
+"_Officer._--She went up to the Island to-day, sir.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'O tell me, where is Fancy bred.'
+
+"_Judge._--I don't know anything about your fancy bread, if you have
+anything to say, go on.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'We'll all go bobbing around.'
+
+"The Judge here became indignant, and demanded if he had a friend to
+become bail for him, to which query the prisoner hiccuped out,
+
+"I'll never, never find--a better friend than old dog Tray.'
+
+"_Judge._--Can't take him, he is not responsible.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'I give thee all, I can no more.'
+
+"_Judge._--It won't do, sir, I shall fine you $10.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'That's the way the money goes--pop goes the weasel.'
+
+"_Indignant Officer._--I'll pop you over the head presently.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'There's whisky in the jug.'
+
+"_Officer._--You'll be there, too, shortly.
+
+"_Judge._--If you can't pay you must go to jail.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Give me a cot in the valley I love.'
+
+"_Judge._--Very well, sir, I'll do it. Tombs, ten days.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'I dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls.'
+
+"The officer was about removing the individual below, when I came to the
+rescue, and informed the Judge that the prisoner was a friend of mine,
+that this was the first occasion in which he had ever manifested such
+eccentricities, and if he would let him off from the punishment this
+time, I would take him to his home and see that he never disturbed the
+city by his yells in the future.
+
+"The prisoner turned his eyes upon me, and again broke out:
+
+"'Good news from home, good news for me'----
+
+"'Mr. Blobb,' said the Judge, 'if I let you off this time, will you
+cease going on these drunken sprees?'
+
+"_Prisoner._--'I'll touch not, taste not, handle not, whate'er
+intoxicates.'
+
+"_Judge._--I hope that when we meet again it will be under more
+favorable auspices to yourself----
+
+"_Prisoner_ (interrupting).--'Meet me by moonlight alone, and I will
+tell thee.'
+
+"_Judge_ (resuming).--For you're in a bad plight now to appear among the
+ladies.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Oh! I'm the boy for bewitching them.'
+
+"_Judge._--Not when you're drunk, I imagine.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'A man's a man, for a' o' that.'
+
+"_Judge._--You may go, sir. Good day.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Oh, give to me that better word that comes from the
+heart, Good bye.'
+
+"I managed to get my friend, Mr. Blobb, out of the court-room, and
+subsequently, with some difficulty, I succeeded in putting him to bed in
+my apartment, where I kept him for twenty-four hours, until he had
+recovered from his temporary aberration. He has since that time been in
+a normal state, except that he appears melancholy at times. He is well
+enough, however,----
+
+"To be here this evening," said Quackenbush, interrupting; "for know ye
+that Mr. R. Percy Delancy Blobb is now before you in the person of
+myself, and I am here to-night to ask forgiveness, which, if you don't
+give to me, I shall take immediate measures to expel you all from the
+club."
+
+It was immediately voted that Mr. Quackenbush be forgiven, on condition
+that he would disclose the facts which led to his being found a prisoner
+in the Essex Market Police Court.
+
+This, Mr. Quackenbush said he would do and do it now, and after finding
+room for a glass of ginger-wine, proceeded to narrate his experience.
+
+He stated, substantially, that the whole difficulty grew out of a love
+affair. He had become deeply infatuated with an unknown and beautiful
+blonde. He had often met her in the street, in theatres, and
+concert-rooms, and his intense admiration ripened into a deep love. He
+was unable to learn who she was until a fortnight previously, when he
+found a friend who was well acquainted with her, and who undertook to
+bring about an introduction. Things wore a brighter aspect then. The sun
+was more brilliant; the moon shed a less melancholy light; lager bier
+tasted better; oysters appeared fatter; peanuts seemed always roasted
+just enough, and, in fact, he felt quite satisfied with life, and the
+world generally, and resolved to postpone indefinitely a purpose he had
+entertained of buying three cents' worth of arsenic. But a day or two
+before the scene in the Police Court in which he figured, he found
+himself in a stage, and directly opposite was the identical object of
+his admiration and affection. He hitched from one side on his seat to
+the other; put one leg on the other, and then reversed them; looked out
+of the window, and then at her; scratched his ears; pulled up his
+collar; brushed the dust from his pantaloons; put his hands in his
+pockets; pulled them out, and did many ridiculous things which he would
+not have done had she not been present. She stopped the stage on one of
+the avenues, and handed him a five-franc piece to pay the driver. The
+driver, as usual, gave change in small pieces. He counted it to see that
+it was all right; found it to be so, and informed her of the fact. The
+streets being very muddy, he resolved to do the genteel in the way of
+assisting her out of the vehicle; made his exit; put one foot six inches
+into a mud-hole, and the other on the edge of the curb-stone; lifted the
+lady to the sidewalk in safety, at the expense of bursting off two
+suspender-buttons, and his vest-buckle, a slip down causing his nose to
+fall against the tire, his knees into the mud, his shoulder against the
+stage-steps, and caving in his hat. But all this didn't trouble him in
+the least, as he expected to be more than remunerated by an approving
+smile on the part of the lady. He turned his face towards her, and
+found her engaged in counting the change, which he had pronounced to be
+all right, as if she suspected that he would be guilty of cheating her
+out of a stray sixpence, and thus hazard his chances for salvation. The
+effect of the disappointment, on him, was frightful. He felt a sickening
+sensation; stopped at the nearest whisky-shop, and imbibed; went to
+another, and took a nip; proceeded to a third, and smiled; reached a
+fourth, and took a horn; entered a fifth, and drank, and so on, _ad
+libitum_. At last he reached Niblo's; saw a flaming poster announcing
+that Louisa Pyne was to sing in the "Crown Diamonds;" bought a ticket;
+took several drinks and a seat. His ears had become unusually critical.
+Thought he could beat Harrison singing, and to satisfy himself, he rose
+up, and commenced to slaughter a piece, which Harrison had just
+executed. There was an evident want of appreciation of his abilities,
+for he was hustled out in double-quick time. He then went to a bar-room,
+and called for something to drink, which deliberate act was the last
+circumstance he remembered, previous to recognizing Mr. Spout in his
+room in the afternoon of the following day, when he inquired of that
+gentleman if he wouldn't be so kind as to prevent the nigger boy from
+striking him on the head with a poker, as he thought he had done it long
+enough.
+
+A vote of forgiveness to Mr. Quackenbush was carried, after which the
+entire club went to sleep.
+
+
+
+
+"The Hamlet Night."
+
+   "Murder most foul, as in the best it is;
+   But this most foul, strange, and unnatural."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+A few days after the events recorded in the last chapter, a new trick
+was invented to obtain under, false pretences, the money of the public.
+A number of needy and seedy individuals having been told that in England
+several of the most distinguished literary men in that country had
+given a few theatrical exhibitions with great success, conceived the
+plan of exhibiting, in a similar manner, in the city of New York, a
+number of authors, artists and other celebrities, admitting the public
+at twenty-five cents per head. That it might look less like a humbug,
+and by way of hiding, as far as possible, the swindle which was only too
+transparent, after all, it was announced that the living poets and
+painters would be shown all alive in secure cages, undergoing a
+periodical stirring-up by the keeper, and being benevolently fed in the
+presence of the spectators afterward.
+
+Preparations had been made to secure the services of the biggest
+authors, the most notorious painters, the largest sized sculptors, the
+most melodious poets, and the most sanguinary editors the country could
+produce. The anxious world expected nothing less than to see the author
+of "Thanatopsis" appear as _Hamlet_ in black-tights and a slouched
+hat--and he who invented "Evangeline" and "Hiawatha" come on as the
+_Ghost_ with a pasteboard helmet and a horse-hair beard. Who should be
+_Laertes_ but he who "skulped" the Greek Slave, or what editor could
+play "the king" like the democratic conductor of the _Tribune_? who, in
+assuming the crown, was to doff the white hat, "positively for one
+night only?" The _Queen of Denmark_ would of course be represented by
+the architect of "Uncle Tom's Cabin," whose familiarity with courts and
+royalty would enable her to invest the character with life-like
+interest. The public had made up its mind to be content with no
+_Ophelia_ except Ruth Hall, for no one else could play the crazy scenes
+so admirably. But alas for the expectations of the misguided public--the
+illustrious individuals aforesaid would not come, and consequently the
+public were compelled to witness the consummation of the dreadful
+tragedy, by authors whose works they had never heard of; painters whose
+productions were unknown to the world, and editors whom a close
+investigation resolved into obscure scribblers.
+
+To this literary exhibition Overdale, Wagstaff, and John Spout resolved
+to go--Overdale to give the necessary explanations, Wagstaff to make a
+transcript of his friend's valuable remarks, and John Spout (himself an
+amateur artist) to see the celebrated men of his own profession, whose
+contributions to art had been so persistently kept out of sight.
+
+The performance was to take place in the Academy of Music, a building
+designed and completed by a diabolically ingenious architect, who
+endeavored to construct a theatre in such a manner that one half the
+audience could not hear, and the other half could not see, and who
+succeeded to admiration.
+
+Our friends obtained seats in that part of the house where they could
+see, though it was not possible to _hear_ a word.
+
+After a great many preliminary flourishes and false starts by the
+members of the orchestra, they set off as nearly together as they could,
+in obedience to the frantic gestures of the leader, who flourished his
+fiddle-bow with as much energy and vindictiveness as if he had been
+insanely endeavoring to kill mosquitoes with it, in forty different
+directions at once.
+
+Finally the curtain went up amid the uproarious applause of the
+assembled multitude, interrupted only by a small boy in the gallery, who
+hissed like a whole flock of enraged wild-geese, having been stationed
+there especially for the performance of this sibilant duty by an
+avenging washerwoman, to whom one of the amateurs owed four and
+sixpence; his dissenting voice was, however, soon hushed by the police,
+who put him out, and didn't give him his money back, after which the
+exhibition proceeded.
+
+To give a full description of one half of the ridiculous performances
+indulged in by these deluded persons--to tell of the new readings which
+they gave, and the old readings which they didn't give--to relate how
+carefully they avoided the traps, and with what commendable caution they
+kept away from the footlights--to give an idea of the bedlamitish
+ingenuity they had displayed in the selection of wardrobe, how each one
+had put on the most inappropriate articles imaginable, and how they
+could not have been more incongruously attired if they had been all
+dressed in sheep's grey breeches and straw hats--to dilate upon the
+disasters which befell the said wardrobe, how the tunics caught in the
+wings, and the shoulder-cloaks got singed by the side-lights; how the
+ladies' trains were in everybody's way, and their feathers in
+everybody's eyes--how, in their confusion, when they painted their
+faces, they put the wrong colors in the wrong places, and some of them
+went on with white cheeks, chalked lips, and eyebrows colored a bright
+vermilion--how the gilt crowns got bent and battered until they looked
+like ancient milk-pans with the bottoms melted out--how the flannel
+ermine on the regal calico robes got greasy, and looked like tripe--how
+the wax pearls melted and the glass ones broke--how the "supes" painted
+their whiskers uneven, and got their wigs on wrong side before--how some
+of them couldn't get their armor on at all, but how one enterprising
+individual, having succeeded to his satisfaction, came on to deliver a
+message, with his sandals in his hand, his helmet on one foot, his
+breast-plate on the other, and his leg-pieces strapped on his
+shoulders--to tell how the _Ghost_ got chilly and played the last scene
+in an overcoat, and proved that he was a substantial Native American
+Ghost, by making two extemporaneous speeches, in excellent English, to
+the audience--to do full justice to the miscellaneous assortment of
+_legs_, then and there congregated, and relate how some were bow-legs,
+and some were shingle-legs, some were broomstick-legs, some were wiry
+legs, and some were shoulder-of-mutton legs--to give an accurate
+relation of the various expedients resorted to, to remedy the most
+noticeable defects in those legs, and state that some were padded on the
+sides, and some at the ankles, and how, in not a few instances, the
+padding slipped away from its original position, thereby putting the
+calves on the shins, and causing the knees to resemble deformed
+india-rubber foot-balls--and to give a reliable history of the
+unheard-of antics indulged in by the said fantastic legs, after their
+symmetry had been perfected by the means just written--how some went
+crooked, some sideways, and some wouldn't go at all; how some minced
+with short steps, like a racking pony, and others stepped along as if
+they had seven-league boots on; how some moved with convulsive hitches,
+as if they were clockwork legs, and the springs were out of order; how
+some worked spasmodically up and down in the same place, and didn't get
+along at all, as if they were legs which had struck for higher wages;
+and how others dashed ahead, as if they did not intend to stop until
+they had transported their bewildered proprietors out of sight of the
+audience, as if they were machine legs, with the steam turned on, and
+weights on the safety-valve; how some went on the stage and wouldn't go
+off, and how others went off and wouldn't go on, until they were coaxed
+on by their agonized owners, a long time after the cue came--to tell how
+the red fire burned green, and the blue fire would not burn at all--how
+the call-boy got tipsy, and was not forthcoming--how the property-man
+fell over the sheet-iron thunder, and stuck his head into a pot of red
+paint, which made him look like a modern edition of Charles the First
+with his head cut off--how the grave-diggers got into the grave and
+couldn't get out--how _Hamlet_ and _Laertes_ could hardly get in at
+all; and how, when they did get in, they made the gravel fly--how the
+wrong men came on at the wrong time, and how, as a general thing, the
+right men didn't ever come on--how _Guildenstern_ spoke _Ophelia's_
+lines, how _Horatio_ tried to speak one of Hamlet's speeches, and danced
+a frantic hornpipe with rage because he couldn't think how it began, and
+how _Polonius_ couldn't speak at all, and so went home--how nobody could
+remember what Shakspeare said, and so everybody said what Shakspeare
+didn't say, and hadn't said, and wouldn't have said, under any
+circumstances--how some of the men swore, and some of the women wanted
+to, but postponed it, and how the butchery proceeded, with many mishaps
+and multitudinous mistakes, and how the audience applauded, and cheered,
+and laughed at the dismal tragedy, evidently considering it the
+liveliest farce of the season, are facts, falsehoods, and circumstances,
+both real and supposititious, which could not be compressed within the
+limits of a single volume.
+
+Hamlet was personated by an aspiring youth, whose physical dimensions
+were not up to the army standard, and who couldn't have gathered fruit
+from a currant-bush without high-heeled boots on; while the lady who
+represented his mother would have been compelled to stoop in order to
+pick pippins from the tallest apple-tree that ever grew. By the side of
+her illustrious son, she looked perfectly capable of taking him up in
+her arms, giving him his dinner after the usual maternal fashion, and
+afterwards disposing of him in the trundle-bed, to complete his infant
+slumbers.
+
+Overdale explained that they had tried to get a bigger _Hamlet_, but
+that, upon the whole, he thought the little fellow would "speak his
+piece" pretty well, taking into consideration the fact, that in the
+dying groans, he was supposed to have no superior.
+
+Wagstaff was totally ignorant of the plot, and as from the obfuscation
+of the performers, no one could have formed the slightest idea of what
+they were all talking about, he seemed in no very fair way to find out
+anything about it.
+
+The peculiar rendition of the story of the King of Denmark was so
+uncertain, that even John Spout found it exceedingly difficult to tell
+where they were or how they would come out, or what they intended to do
+next. He was a little uncertain whether the queen would finally subdue
+_Hamlet_, or _Hamlet_ succeed in thrashing the queen. In the closet
+scene, especially, the battle was conducted with such varying success
+that it was impossible to bet, with any kind of certainty, on the
+result, or to prognosticate, with reliability, whether _Hamlet_ would
+knock his mother down with a chair, and damage her maternal countenance
+with the heels of his boots, or whether the old lady would succeed in
+_her_ design, which was evidently to conquer her rebellious offspring,
+and give him a good spanking. Neither could he tell whether _Laertes_
+would kill _Horatio_, _Hamlet_, or the _Second Grave-digger_, who stood
+behind the wing, with his hands in his pockets, and his breeches in his
+boots. He was also a little undecided as to which was _Polonius_, and
+which was the king, and when the player queen came on, he thought it was
+only _Ophelia_, with a different-colored petticoat on. John swore the
+_Ghost_ looked as if he hadn't had any dinner, and said he was perfectly
+certain his ghostship had been refreshing his invisible bowels with a
+mug of ale, behind the scenes, because when he came on the last time,
+with the broomstick in his hand, he could see the foam on his whiskers.
+
+One of the richest and most incomprehensible scenes ever witnessed on
+the modern stage was the final one between _Hamlet_ and the _Ghost_,
+who, finding the weather chilly, had done his best to mitigate his
+sufferings by putting on an overcoat. _Hamlet_, trying to look fierce,
+holding his sword at arm's length, performing a kind of original
+fancy-dance, as he followed the spiritual remains of his ghostly father
+across the stage--_Hamlet_, the mortal, being about the size of a
+mutton-ham, while his father, the immortal, supposed to be exceedingly
+ethereal, was tall enough and stout enough for a professional
+coal-heaver, instead of an amateur ghost--the intangible spirit,
+moreover, having one hand in his overcoat pocket, to keep his fingers
+warm, while in the other he flourished a short broomstick, as if to keep
+his degenerate scion at a respectful distance, were so ludicrous, that
+John Spout seized Wagstaff's book, and produced the sketch to be found
+at the beginning of this chapter.
+
+And in the last death-scene _Hamlet_ really won such honors as were
+never before accorded to mortal tragedian; being by this time a little
+doubtful whom to kill, he made an end of the entire company in rotation.
+First, he stabbed the _King_, who rolled over once or twice, and died
+with his legs so tangled up in the _Queen's_ train that _she_ had to
+expire in a hard knot; then he stabbed _Laertes_, who died cross-legged;
+then he stabbed _Osric_; and not content with this, he tripped up his
+heels and stood on his stomach, till he died in an agony of indigestion;
+then he tried to stick _Horatio_, but only succeeded in knocking his
+wig off; and then, turning up stage, made extensive preparations for
+terminating his own existence.
+
+First, as everybody was dead, and everybody's legs were lying round
+loose, he had to lay them out of the way carefully, so as not to
+interfere with the comfort of the corpses; then he picked up all the
+swords and laid them cautiously in a corner, so that the points
+shouldn't stick in him when he fell; then he looked up at the curtain to
+see that he was clear of that, then he looked down at the traps to see
+that he was clear of them, and having at last arranged everything to his
+satisfaction, he proceeded to go systematically through his dying
+agonies, to the great satisfaction of the audience. Suffice it to say,
+that when the spasms were ended, and he had finally become a "cold
+corpus," his black tights were very dirty and had holes in the knees.
+
+When the curtain went down _Hamlet_ was too exhausted to get up, and
+instantly everybody rushed to the rescue; those he had slaughtered but a
+few minutes before, forgot their mortal wounds, and hastened to the
+murderer with something to drink. The _King_ rushed up with a pewter mug
+of beer; _Horatio_ presented the brandy-bottle; the _Ghost_ handed him a
+glass of gin and sugar; the _Queen_ gave him the little end of a
+Bologna sausage and a piece of cheese; the stage carpenter, in his
+bewilderment, could think of nothing but the glue-pot; the property man
+hastened to his aid with a tin cup full of rose-pink, and a plate-full
+of property apple-dumplings (ingeniously but deceptively constructed out
+of canvas and bran), while an insane scene-shifter first deluged him
+with water, and then offered him the bucket to dry himself with.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+John Spout, who had been behind the curtain, and witnessed this last
+performance, immediately came out, borrowed Wagstaff's notebook, and
+left therein his pictorial reminiscence of this scene as follows:
+Overdale had been profuse in his explanations of the many curious
+scenes, and Wagstaff had noted down his words carefully in his
+memorandum-book. Once when the _Ghost_ tripped and fell through the
+scenery, caving in the side of a brick house, and kicking his spiritual
+heels through the belfry of a church in the background, Overdale said
+that this was _Ophelia_, who had been taken suddenly crazy, and in her
+frenzy had imagined it necessary to hasten to the nearest grocery for a
+bar of soap to saw her leg off with. _Polonius_, he explained, was
+_Horatio_, and _Hamlet_ was a little boy who run on errands for the cook
+of the palace, by which culinary appellation he designated the Queen of
+Denmark. He said the plot of the piece was, that the king wanted to
+marry the cook, but her relatives objected to the alliance, because his
+majesty hadn't got shirts enough for a change.
+
+All of which was carefully written down by Wagstaff, with divers
+alterations, emendations, additions, and extemporaneous illustrations,
+by John Spout.
+
+This last-named individual asserts to the present time that he cannot
+tell who were the most humbugged--the people who paid their money, and
+laughed at the play under the impression that it was a farce, or the
+unfortunates who performed the play, laboring under the hallucination
+that they were acting tragedy.
+
+All were, however, satisfied, that it was a kink of the Elephant's tail,
+which he has not yet uncurled in any city of America--save Gotham.
+
+
+
+
+MRS. THROUGHBY DAYLIGHT'S FANCY DRESS JAM.
+
+   "Black spirits and white,
+   Red spirits and grey,
+   Mingle, mingle"----
+
+
+MR. Remington Dropper had a great respect for upper tendom; was almost
+inclined to admit, without question, its claims to the worship of the
+vulgar masses, and confessed that when he saw one whom he took to be a
+leader of fashion coming, he felt an involuntary movement of his right
+hand towards his hat. He admitted that he had, by this manner of doing
+indiscriminate homage to well-dressed people, on several occasions taken
+off his hat to notorious horse-jockeys, faro-dealers, and gamblers.
+
+"However," said John Spout, "if you want to go to a grand fancy dress
+ball, where you will meet all 'the world,' as these try-to-be-fashionable
+people call those who have scraped together dollars enough to entitle them
+to their royal notice, I can very easily get you an invitation. Mrs.
+Throughby Daylight, whose husband made a fortune by selling patent
+medicine, and thereby purged himself of poverty and plebeianism together,
+gives, in a short time, a grand fantasquerade, which is intended to be
+the most consolidated fancy dress jam of the season. Do you want to go?"
+
+"Go," replied Dropper, "how can I go? I don't know Mrs. Throughby
+Daylight, or Mr. Throughby Daylight, or any of the Daylights, so that
+Daylight is all moonshine."
+
+"Dropper," was the response, "you're young; I excuse that, for you can't
+help it; but you're also _green_, which I cannot forgive; your verdancy
+is particularly noticeable when you revive the absolute absurdity of
+supposing that it is necessary to be acquainted with a lady before you
+are invited to attend her parties. That antiquated idea has been long
+since exploded. Why, my dear sir, it is no more necessary that you
+should have ever previously heard of a woman whose 'jam' you receive an
+invitation to attend, than it is probable she knows who _you_ are, or
+where the devil you come from."
+
+Dropper was bewildered.
+
+"It is a positive fact," continued Spout. "Why, bless your innocent
+eyes, a woman of fashion no more knows the names of the individuals who
+attend her grand party, than she knows who took tea last night with the
+man in the moon. She merely orders music and provisions, makes out a
+list of a few persons she _must_ have, has her rooms actually measured,
+allows eight inches square to a guest; thus having estimated the number
+that can crowd into her house, she multiplies it by two, which gives the
+amount of invitations to be issued, after which she leaves the rest to
+Brown. Brown takes the list; Brown finds the required number of guests.
+Brown invites whom he pleases; Brown fills the house with people, and
+Brown, and only Brown, knows who they are, where they came from, or how
+the deuce they got their invitations."
+
+Dropper, still more bewildered, inquired who Brown was.
+
+"Brown," explained John Spout, "is the Magnus Apollo of fashionable
+society--he is the sexton of Graceless Chapel, and no one can be
+decently married, or fashionably buried without his assistance. He has a
+wedding face and a funeral face, but never forgets himself and cries
+over the bride or laughs at the mourners; he is great as a sexton, but
+it is only in his character of master of ceremonies at a party, that he
+rises into positive sublimity--he is the consoler of aspiring
+unfashionables, who have got plenty of money, and want to cut a swell,
+but don't know how to begin. He is the furnisher of raw material on
+short notice, for fashionable parties of all dimensions; his genius is
+equal to any emergency, though, as the latest fashion is to invite three
+times as many people as can get into the house at any one time, Brown is
+often put to his trumps. Mrs. Codde Fishe last week wanted to give a
+party, and, of course, called on Brown. Brown measured the parlors; they
+would only hold 1728, even by putting the chairs down cellar, and
+turning the piano up endways. Mrs. Codde Fishe was in despair. Mrs. P.
+Nutt had received 1800 at her party the night before, and if she
+couldn't have 2000 she would be ruined. Brown's genius saved her. 'Mrs.
+F.,' said he, 'though we must invite 2000 people, and though we must
+have 2000 people in the house, they need not be all there at one time,
+and they need not all stay.'
+
+"'Certainly not,' said Mrs. Fishe.
+
+"'I'll manage it,' said the indefatigable Brown--and Brown did manage
+it. He got 272 retail drygoods clerks, whom there didn't anybody know,
+dressed them in white gloves and the required fixens, so they looked
+almost as well as men. Well, sir, if you'll believe it, Brown had his
+272 clerks arrive at the door, eleven at a time, in hired
+hackney-coaches, announced them, by high-flown names, to the hostess,
+had them march in single file through the parlors to the back door,
+where he had a man waiting to conduct them over the garden-fence by a
+step-ladder, and so get them out of the way to make room for more.
+
+"Mrs. Lassiz Candee had but 1439 names on her list; she wanted 1800.
+Brown was summoned. Brown heard the trouble. Brown produced from his
+pocket a list of names twenty-one yards in length. For a moderate
+compensation he furnished Mrs. Candee with a yard and a half of literary
+celebrities, three yards of 'Shanghaes,' five yards and a quarter of
+polka dancers, and about fourteen feet of foreigners, with beards and
+moustaches for show-pieces, and to give the thing a 'researcha' look.
+
+"But, not to be too tiresome, Dropper, I am on Brown's list of
+eligibles, and can get your name added also."
+
+Remington eagerly accepted the offer, and three days after they found on
+their table two huge envelopes, addressed respectively to "Mr. John
+Spout," and "Mr. Remington Dropper." Remington, trembling with haste,
+broke open his at once, and discovered a card about the size of a
+washboard, on which was a communication to the effect that Mrs.
+Throughby Daylight requested the pleasure of the company of Mr.
+Remington Dropper, and that it was to be a fancy dress party, and he was
+requested to appear in costume, all of which he only discovered by
+calling John Spout to his assistance, who condescendingly explained
+everything.
+
+Remington was overjoyed, but in answer to all his anxious inquiries
+concerning the manner of procuring the invitation, he only elicited from
+John Spout the mysterious monosyllable, BROWN!
+
+"What does it mean by coming 'in _costume_?' How am I to dress? What
+shall I put on, and where shall I get it?" inquired he.
+
+John explained. "It means that you are to disguise yourself in an
+un-Christian attire of some description, making yourself look as unlike
+a 'human gentleman' as possible--call yourself a 'Gondolier,' a
+'Brigand,' a 'Minstrel Boy,' or some other sentimental or romantic name,
+and cut as big a splurge in your borrowed clothes as possible. If you
+know anybody who belongs to the theatre, you can easily borrow a rig; if
+not, you'll have to hire it of a Jew, and give security that you'll
+bring it back."
+
+For four days Mr. Dropper was in a state of feverish undecision
+respecting his choice of a character. At the end of that time he was
+still wavering between a "Turk," a "Monk," and "Jack Sheppard." By John
+Spout's suggestion he resolved to decide the matter by a throw of the
+dice, which method made a "Turk" of him for the eventful evening, the
+"Monk" getting deuce, ace, and a five, "Jack Sheppard" scoring but
+eleven, while his oriental highness came off victorious, by means of two
+fours and a six. John Spout was going as a Choctaw Indian, so that he
+could smoke all the time and no one would find fault and say that he was
+vulgar.
+
+The wished-for evening arrived, and Remington began to dress at four in
+the afternoon, so as to be in time. By the assistance of two Irishmen
+and a black boy he got his dress on at half-past six; and at a quarter
+to seven he sunk exhausted into a arm-chair, and went to sleep.
+
+John's own toilette was quickly made; he had borrowed his dress from a
+friend, who attended in person to put it on for him.
+
+When they were ready, the black boy was dispatched for a hack, into
+which they both got; after experiencing some difficulty from Spout's war
+club, which got tangled in Remington's trousers, and being a good deal
+exasperated by Dropper's scimitar which _would_ get between John Spout's
+legs and interfere with his breech cloth.
+
+At last they approximated the house, and their carriage took its place
+in the rear of a long line which had formed in front of Mrs. Throughby
+Daylight's mansion, and anxiously waited for those in front to move out
+of the way, and give them a chance to get out.
+
+They could hear in the distance the shrill whistle and the voice of the
+indefatigable Brown, shouting "Room for Mrs. Rosewood's carriage;"
+"Clear the way for Mrs. Fizgiggle's vehicle;" "Let Mrs. Funk's
+establishment come up;" and then Brown would disappear into the house,
+and a faint echo of Brown would be heard from the inside, announcing
+these visitors as "Mrs. Noseblood," "Mrs. Buzfiggle," and "Mrs. Junk,"
+it being a peculiarity of Brown, that although he might get the names of
+the guests right the first time, he never announced them at the door
+without some ludicrous perversion.
+
+Our friends at length attained the entrance, and, having been
+interrogated by Brown as to who they were, and having told him "a Turk"
+and "a Choctaw," they were instantly ushered by that individual into the
+presence of the versicolored crowd, and announced, in a voice of
+thunder, as "Mr. Squirt" and "Mr. Bucksaw."
+
+As they had come in a carriage and were prepared for immediate conquest,
+they had no overcoats or hats to dispose of, and were consequently
+ushered directly into the first of the three parlors, they held a
+consultation as to which was the hostess; and what the least perilous
+manner of getting at her, concluded that it was not necessary for a Turk
+or a Heathen to be so particular about the rules of Christian society,
+and so they dispensed with the usual entering salute.
+
+Remington Dropper soon found that he was not the only oriental in the
+room; there were four other Turks, and a great many Moguls, so that he
+only made up the half dozen, but he consoled himself with the reflection
+that his turban was the biggest, and that the toes of his slippers
+turned up higher than any of the rest.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But beside the "malignant and the turbaned Turks," there was a great
+variety of other unexpected characters on exhibition in Mrs. Daylight's
+apartments--kings, queens, gipsies, and highwaymen, milkmaids, who not
+only couldn't milk, but probably couldn't tell a cow from a cod-fish,
+peasant-girls with jewelry enough on for princesses, and princesses with
+red faces and feet big enough for peasants, tambourine girls begging for
+pennies which they couldn't get, and bouquet girls trying to sell
+flowers from a large assortment, consisting of two geranium leaves and a
+rose-bud, French grisettes, who couldn't speak French, and Spanish
+noblemen, who talked most unmistakable down-east Yankee, Highlanders
+with pasteboard shields and bare knees, army officers who didn't know
+how to shoulder arms, sailors who couldn't tell the keel from the
+jib-boom, or swear positively that the tiller wasn't the long-boat, the
+Queen of Sheba in gold spectacles, robbers, brigands, freebooters,
+corsairs, bandits, pirates, buccaneers, highwaymen, fillibusters, and
+smugglers in such quantities, that it might be supposed that our best
+society is two-thirds made up of these amiable persons. There were three
+Paul Prys, four Irishmen, and thirteen Yankees, equipped with jackknives
+and shingles, seven Hamlets, and fourteen Ophelias, one Lear, two
+Richards, and five Shylocks, eight Macbeths, three Fitz James, and half
+a dozen Rob Roys, who made a very respectable assortment of Scotchmen;
+there were also twenty-one monks, quite a regiment; this _was_
+considered strange, but the next day, when most of the silver was
+missing, it was immediately surmised that these reverend gentlemen were
+thieves, who had obtained surreptitious admission, and carried off the
+valuables under their priestly robes.
+
+There were also a few ladies, particular friends of the hostess, who
+appeared, by permission, in no costume more ridiculous than that which
+they were accustomed to wear daily, but who displayed the usual amount
+of whalebone developments.
+
+After the band arrived and was stationed in the conservatory out of
+sight, an attempt was made to get up a dance. Spout introduced Dropper
+to a princess of his acquaintance, and Dropper, as in duty bound, asked
+her to waltz, and actually proceeded to carry out his intention.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As some sixty other couples attempted the same feat at the same time,
+and as there wasn't room for any one man to dance without stepping on
+the heels of his neighbor, the scene instantly assumed a peculiar
+appearance. Dropper first whisked his partner against a flower girl and
+upset her basket, then against a Paul Pry, and demolished his horn
+spectacles, then he tumbled her into the stomach of a Falstaff and
+rolled him into the window curtains, then he himself stepped on the
+favorite corn of a tall Hamlet, and pushed his elbows into a Shylock and
+broke his false hooked nose, and they both concluded their gyrations by
+upsetting a couple of brigands, and marching deliberately over the
+prostrate bodies of Helen McGregor and a matchboy in their progress to a
+sofa, which they finally reached in an exhausted condition; the lady
+wanted some water, which Remington started to get but didn't come back,
+inasmuch as he hurt his shins by tumbling over a chair and fell to the
+floor, carrying with him in his descent a fairy in one hand and a Fitz
+James in the other. The crowd immediately closed around him, so that he
+could not rise, and, as he was involuntarily reposing directly upon the
+hot air register, he was more than half cooked before he got rescued
+out.
+
+The attempt to dance created also no small amount of confusion among the
+others, about twenty-five of whom were precipitated into the
+conservatory and dispersed through the orchestra. King Lear landed with
+his head in a French horn, and Byron's Corsair was seen to demolish two
+violins with his hands at precisely the same time he kicked both feet
+through the bass drum.
+
+Supper came at last, and the guests were fed in installments, as many
+getting near the tables as could crowd into the rooms. Jellies, creams,
+fruits, and the more substantial articles of the repast, were devoured,
+and scattered over the carpets, and over the dresses of the assembled
+multitude, in about equal quantities. Champagne corks flew, and all the
+men of whatever nation, trade, or occupation represented in that
+incongruous assemblage, seemed to understand perfectly well what
+champagne was. Kings drank with peasants, brigands touched glasses with
+monks, and Shylock the Jew took a friendly drink with her majesty the
+Queen of Sheba.
+
+After supper the smash recommenced, and things grew worse, and the
+characters, by continued exertion and repeated accidents, became so
+changed in appearance by the mutilation of their fancy dresses, that at
+three o'clock in the morning, no one could have picked out any one of
+the remaining guests and told whether he was intended for an Italian
+brigand or an Irish washerwoman.
+
+Our friends reached home about daylight, tired, draggled, disgusted, and
+drunk. Neither of them undressed, but both slept on the floor in the
+remains of their fancy costume, and in all their paint; they didn't get
+their faces clean for ten days, but Remington Dropper had seen the
+Elephant in one of his Fifth Avenue aspects, and was content.
+
+
+
+
+CONCLUSION.
+
+[Exeunt Omnes.]--SHAKESPEARE.
+
+
+A few days after the events recorded in the last chapter, a letter was
+received at the residence of one of the compilers of these records,
+superscribed
+
+Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
+
+The communication was signed by John Spout, and the writer, after
+apologizing for communicating with a perfect stranger, stated his
+reasons for so doing. It seems from the communication that Mr. Spout was
+informed by a friend who was in the confidence of the United States
+Marshal, that Mr. Spout and others were accustomed to meet in a room on
+Broadway, and that they were strongly suspected of being engaged in the
+organization of a fillibustering expedition to Nicaragua, and
+furthermore, that it was the intention of the officious officials of the
+United States Government to make a descent upon the premises and arrest
+all who were present on the next regular meeting. Mr. Spout had no
+difficulty in convincing his friend of the entire misapprehension of the
+officers. But in the fullness of his modesty the worthy Higholdboy
+thought that the time was not arrived when it would be prudent to
+announce to the world the fact of the existence of a scientific
+association, organized for the purpose of studying the Elephant.
+Furthermore, he did not like to be arrested, even though he would be
+acquitted, fearing that contact with stone walls might aggravate a
+chronic catarrh with which he was afflicted. Under these circumstances,
+he called a mass meeting of the members of the club, at his private
+room, where, after a session of fourteen minutes it was unanimously
+
+_Resolved_, That the Elephant Club cave in for the present, under the
+pressure of strong necessity.
+
+_Resolved_, That the landlord of the Club room whistle for the arrearage
+of rent.
+
+_Resolved_, That Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B., we have every reason to
+believe, will fully appreciate the high character of the objects of the
+Elephant Club.
+
+_Resolved_, That he is hereby authorized to go to the Elephant Club
+room, secure the records and such other property therein contained, as
+he may desire.
+
+_Resolved_, That the said Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B., is further
+authorized to compile the said records for publication, if he thinks the
+public can be induced to buy the book when it is published; and he is
+further authorized to reorganize the Club in accordance with the same
+principles of the old organization, and when the present federal
+administration goes out of power, the present members will again put on
+the scientific harness, and gladly co-operate with the club so formed,
+to secure the ends desired.
+
+In accordance with the request contained, Mr. Doesticks did go to the
+premises designated, where he found said records, and a variety of
+articles of furniture in a state of chronic demolition. The records he
+carried away--the furniture he did not. An examination of the documents
+satisfied Doesticks that if properly compiled, and published, the work
+would sell. But feeling himself incompetent to the task of preparation
+unaided--the work being of a scientific character--he decided to call to
+his assistance his friend Knight Russ Ockside. In his youth this
+gentleman had the advantage of being employed in sweeping out the
+medical college in Thirteenth street, and was once severely injured
+when young by being hit with a medical book on the head; and these facts
+it was generally conceded, in accordance with the spirit of modern
+progression, entitled him to the honorary degree of M.D. The scientific
+part of the work of compilation was therefore left to Dr. Ockside, who
+has endeavored to do full justice to the subject. Doesticks has
+reorganized the Elephant Club, and applications for membership will be
+received by him at No. 70001, Narrow street.
+
+N.B. Applicants will be particular to bring testimonials as to
+character.
+
+No persons will be received against
+whom a shadow of suspicion exists that they are of foreign birth, whilst
+to be a native would be a permanent bar to their membership.
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+THE MEMOIRS
+
+OF
+
+REV. SPENCER H. CONE, D.D.
+
+PREPARED BY HIS FAMILY
+
+_484 pp. 12mo. Bound in Muslin, Printed on fine white paper, Price $1.25_
+
+EMBELLISHED WITH A STEEL PORTRAIT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dr. Cone, late pastor of the First Baptist Church, city of New York, was
+one of the most remarkable men of the present age, his life was full of
+romance and incident, as as well as a bright example of Christian
+virtues; the volume should find a welcome at every fireside, and a place
+in every family library.
+
+Among the numerous testimonials from all sections of the country, we
+take pleasure in quoting the following:
+
+
+NOTICES OF THE PRESS.
+
+"A Biography of a famous preacher and man, written with power and
+eloquence."--_Philadelphia Evening Post._
+
+"Its perusal will be grateful to every person who admires active piety
+and can appreciate Christian virtues."--_Family Journal, Albany._
+
+"Spencer Houghton Cone, one of those good and faithful servants whose
+career exemplifies the surpassing beauty of a genuine religious life.
+The work is produced in elegant form, with a superb engraving of Dr.
+Cone. It deserves a place as a standard of good works and deeds in all
+families."--_N.Y. Daily News._
+
+"Its subject, one of the first men, and leading minds, for years, in our
+denomination, will ensure it a wide circulation."--_Richmond, Va.
+Herald._
+
+"Mr. Cone's reputation as an eloquent and fervent minister of the
+Gospel, as a strong, clear, earnest thinker, was acknowledged throughout
+the Union."--_Boston Gazette._
+
+"The book is full of interest, and we are confident will disappoint none
+who undertake its perusal."--_Salem Gazette._
+
+"America has produced but few so popular preachers, his personal
+influence was unbounded, he was indeed a man of talent, of large
+attainment in the school of Christ, a brilliant preacher, and a
+noble-hearted, zealous Christian philanthropist."--_Christian Chronicle,
+Philadelphia._
+
+"The volume is a profoundly interesting life-memorial of one of the most
+active, earnest, eloquent and sincerely religious spirits of his age and
+generation. Spencer H. Cone was a very remarkable man, and from a
+perusal of his life, we are convinced that selfishness and
+narrow-mindedness had no place in his nature. He appears to us to have
+been a model of earnestness, sincerity, activity, and intelligence."
+--_New York Evening Mirror._
+
+"The volume is a straightforward simple narrative of the public and
+private life of Dr. Cone, from his youth up to the period of his death.
+It will be read with interest by thousands out of the denomination to
+which Dr. Cone belonged, as well as by thousands of his own
+denominational friends and admirers."--_Christian Secretary, Hartford._
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
+
+310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
+
+Agents wanted to Canvass every County in the United States, who can make
+from $5 to $10 a day in selling the above popular work.
+
+Copies sent (_post paid_), to any part of the country, on receipt of
+$1.25.
+
+
+
+
+A New Book by the Author of "Our World!"
+
+A WORK OF GREAT POWER AND INTEREST.
+
+JUSTICE IN THE BY-WAYS.
+
+BY F.C. ADAMS.
+
+_12mo., Cloth, $1.25._
+
+The _Evening Post_ of June 23d says:
+
+"Shortly will be published a new work, entitled 'JUSTICE IN THE
+BY-WAYS,' from the pen of F.C. ADAMS, author of the popular anti-slavery
+novel 'OUR WORLD.'
+
+"It presents a life-like picture of that peculiar civilization which of
+late has so signally blossomed in the ruffianly achievement of Brooks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Mr. ADAMS, the author, formerly editor of the _Savannah Georgian_, is
+qualified by a residence of five years among the nullifiers of the
+Palmetto State to exhibit a correct and graphic likeness of their
+society and manners."
+
+This is emphatically a work of our age. Its life is its TRUTH. Its
+breath its FACT. It is history in the guise of fiction, history whose
+accuracy is attested by public records and State documents. Each
+character is a living reality. It is a book eminently suggestive of much
+needed moral reforms. It is not sectional. It hits North and South. It
+shows the social evils generated by Slavery in the one, and by neglected
+poverty in the other. It pictures the follies and vices of worn-out
+Southern chivalry; the crimes of the forsaken wretches in the Five
+Points; and the sordid sin which luxuriates in our Fifth Avenue palaces.
+It portrays how those who the world regard as beacons illuminating the
+paths of virtue, grovel in sensuality--sought and loved for its own
+sake; whilst the neglected of the world, in their depths of degradation,
+yet emit some rays--feeble though they be--of a soul within. In fine, it
+teaches the practical lesson that it would become the great to learn how
+a true use of their wealth and influence may benefit poor fallen
+humanity.
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
+
+310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
+
+W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper, 24 Bookman street.
+
+A Work of Unusual Interest and Merit!
+
+TO BE PUBLISHED EARLY IN SEPTEMBER,
+
+THE PAWNBROKER.
+
+OR,
+
+THE WAGES OF AVARICE.
+
+_12mo., Cloth. Price $1.25._
+
+The Publishers believe that "The Pawnbroker" is not inferior, either in
+power or interest, to any other work of Fiction that has been yet issued
+from the American Press; while the local interest it possesses, in
+consequence of its truthful delineation of New York life, forms one of
+its many attractive features. It is the production of an American lady,
+who is endowed with a fine culture, a refined and polished idea of the
+requirements of Virtue and Civilized Life; together with a clear insight
+of the human heart, whether bowed down by its own dark depravity, or
+consoled and elevated by the noble instincts of honor and truthfulness.
+But this is not all; our authoress is an Artist, and her book will do
+credit to Modern American Literature.
+
+Her Hero and Heroine are taken from the humblest walks of life; but our
+interest becomes almost at once, unconsciously enlisted in their
+welfare, and with intense excitement, pain, and hope, the thread of the
+narrative which depicts their chequered, trying and varied career, is
+perused. This effect is produced, without bombast or enervating
+sentimentality; simply because a story founded upon fact is narrated
+with becoming dignity, modesty and consummate Literary Art. The
+characters introduced throughout the work are numerous; but each
+possesses a peculiar, marked, and distinct individuality.
+
+A writer in the _Boston Literary Bulletin_ says of it:
+
+   "I have read the MS. of "The Pawnbroker." Its principal scenes are
+   laid in New York, shifting occasionally to New Orleans. It is written
+   with great force, pathos, and ingenuity; and I have no hesitation in
+   prophesying that it will be ranked with "The Lamplighter" and "The
+   Wide, Wide World." Throughout the work a moral lesson is pointed; and
+   although prolific in pictures of the most exciting nature,
+   probability is never outraged by the introduction of mysterious
+   impossibilities. It cannot fail of meeting with a large sale, and
+   enviable popularity."
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
+
+310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
+
+W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper, 24 Bookman Street.
+
+
+
+
+JUST PUBLISHED.
+
+PLU-RI-BUS-TAH:
+
+A SONG THAT'S BY NO AUTHOR.
+
+BY
+
+Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This Book contains an unlimited quantity of hits at every body, of which
+every one must good naturedly take his share, to pay for the privilege
+of laughing at his neighbors.
+
+EMBELLISHED WITH ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR ILLUSTRATIONS, BY JOHN
+MCLENAN.
+
+As a History of the Country, this book is invaluable, inasmuch as it
+notices a great many events not mentioned by Bancroft, Hildreth, or
+Prescott. As a Novel, it is unapproachable, for it contains several
+characters unknown to Cooper, Dickens, Marryatt, or Bulwer. As a
+Mythological Work, it should be immediately secured, as it makes mention
+of a number of gods and deified worthies hitherto unknown to old Jupiter
+himself. As a Poem, its claims to consideration can not be denied, as it
+comprises a great many beauties not discoverable in "The Song of
+Hiawatha," besides several Indian names which were therein omitted.
+
+12mo, Muslin, Extra Gilt, price $1 00.
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, _Publishers_,
+310 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.
+
+
+
+
+Just Published.
+
+DOESTICKS' NEW BOOK
+
+PLU-RI-BUS-TAH.
+
+A SONG THAT'S BY NO AUTHOR.
+
+BY Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
+
+_An elegant 12mo. Price $1._
+
+This volume is enjoying a greater popularity than the Author's first
+book "DOESTICKS WHAT HE SAYS," which sold the first five days of
+publication,
+
+12,773 COPIES.
+
+It contains an unlimited quantity of hits at every body, of which every
+one must good-naturedly take his share, to pay for the privilege of
+laughing at his neighbors, and _Embellished with one hundred and
+fifty-four Humorous Illustrations_, designed by John McLenan, whose
+reputation as an Artist is world-wide.
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+   Explanation--The Author's Apology--Introduction--The Pipe, and Who
+   Smoked it--Who Came and Where He Came From--Fight Number One--Who
+   Whipped, Who Died, and How Many Run Away--Fight Number Two--How Many
+   Rounds, and Who Couldn't Come to Time--A Free-Love Marriage--The
+   Gathering of the Clans--What They Went to Work at, and How Much They
+   Got a Month--How the Hero Did a Great Many Things, and Who Helped
+   Him--A Single-Handed Game of Brag--What a Woman Did--What the Hero
+   Worshipped--Fight Number Three, with Variations--Matrimonial
+   Endearments--Fight Number Four--A Compromise, and What Came of
+   it--How a Woman got her Spunk Up, and Left the Country--The
+   Consequences--Mother and Child both Doing Well--He Continues His
+   Studies--His Progress--He still Continues His Studies--His Further
+   Progress--Who Died, and What They did with Him--Funereal and
+   Solemn--A Marriage, and What Came of it--Family Jars, and a
+   Departure--Spirit Rappings and Spirit Drinking Mixed--What He
+   Didn't--What His Mother Did, and Where She Went to--Cuffee
+   Triumphant--An Unexpected Smash--Demolition of The Hero.
+
+NOTICES OF THE PRESS.
+
+   "We said of Doesticks' first work that it was a quaint teacher of
+   morality and a promoter of good works, we are ready to reiterate in
+   respect to this volume. There is not a vulgarity nor an indecency in
+   its pages, but clothed in unusual garb, the burden of its song is
+   morality, virtue, temperance, economy, patriotism. It rebukes
+   pretension, it scathes deception, it withers arrogance, it exposes
+   emptiness. Chapter IX.--What a Woman Did--is one of the best
+   arguments for national union to be found."--_Newark Daily
+   Advertiser._
+
+   "'Plu-ri-bus-tah' is a burlesque--broad almost beyond the scope of
+   the imagination."--_Charleston, S.C. Standard._
+
+   "Doesticks loves to indulge in a merry laugh at the expense of his
+   neighbors, as a good Christian is bound to do."--_New York Tribune._
+
+   "This is far the cleverest thing that Doesticks has done."--_N.Y.
+   Evening Post._
+
+   "It overflows with fun, and doctors should recommend it to all their
+   patients who may be troubled with the spleen. Every leaf contains a
+   sketch worthy of Punch."--_Boston Traveller._
+
+   "It is full of wit, sarcasm and fun. It is longer than Hiawatha,
+   broader than Hudibras, and deeper than Punch."--_Philadelphia Sun._
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
+
+310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
+
+
+
+
+DOESTICKS.
+
+[Illustration: DOESTICKS AND HIS FRIENDS.]
+
+Fully Illustrated with fine tinted Engravings, by the most eminent
+artists.
+
+An elegant 12mo. vol. bound in Muslin, gilt extra. $1.
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, Publishers, 310 Broadway, N.Y.
+
+
+
+
+A BOOK FROM "DOESTICKS."
+
+THE GREAT AMERICAN WIT AND HUMORIST!
+
+
+ORIGINAL VIEWS OF MEN AND THINGS.
+
+BY Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
+
+_Fully Illustrated by the most eminent Artists, 12mo., bound in muslin,
+gilt extra_, $1.
+
+12,773 copies of this remarkable book, were sold in five days following
+the day of publication; and from every part of the country the demand
+still continues.
+
+
+DOESTICKS:
+
+WHAT HE SAYS.
+
+
+This volume, abounding in mirth-provoking sketches of persons and
+places, filled with humor, wit, and satire, convulses the reader with
+laughter from the title-page to the close. In the language of an eminent
+journalist, who speaks of the book:
+
+"From the first word in the introduction to the last of the narrative,
+Doesticks' book is a running fire of comicality. In taking up the book,
+the reader finds himself precisely in the same condition as the man who,
+after getting into a boat, is borne down a pleasant stream independent
+of his own volition. He must go on, and he is glad to go on, too."
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+How Doesticks came to think of it; Doesticks satisfies Philander;
+Doesticks visits Niagara; Doesticks on a Bender; Seeking a Fortune;
+Railroad Felicities; Sees the Lions; Barnum's Museum; Model Boarding
+Houses; Potency of Croton Water--or an Aqueous quality hitherto unknown;
+Modern Witchcraft; City Target Excursion; A New Patent Medicine
+Operation; Doesticks Running with the "Masheen;" Street Preaching; A
+Zealous Trio; Disappointed Love; Modern Patent Piety; Church Going in
+the City; Benevolence run mad; Charitable Cheating; Millerite
+Jubilee--How they didn't go up; The Great "American Tragedian;" "Side
+Shows" of the City; New Year's Day in New York Amusement for the
+Million; A 2:40 Sleigh Ride; Cupid in Cold Weather; Valentine's Day; The
+Kentucky Tavern; The River Darkies; The Thespian Wigwam; Theatricals
+again; A Night at the Bowery; Mysterious Secrets of the K.-N.'s; A
+Midnight Initiation, Philander Fooled; A Diabolical Conspiracy; A
+Shanghae Infernal Machine; An Evening with the Spiritualists; Rampant
+Ghostology; Special Express from Dog Paradise; A Canine Ghost; 'Lection
+Day; "Paddy" _versus_ "Sam;" Police Adventures; Mayor Wood Around;
+Damphool Defunct; Place of his Exile; Description Thereof--and Exit;
+Keeping the Maine Law; Theatricals once more; Shakespeare Darkeyized;
+Macbeth in High Colors; Young America in Long Dresses; Great Excitement
+is Babydom.
+
+
+NOTICES OF THE PRESS
+
+_The Home Journal_ (_N.P. Willis, Esq., Editor_), _says_:
+
+"Things so copied, so talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be
+lent to you, so quoted and so relished and laughed over, as Doesticks'
+writings never were launched into print."
+
+"This book will 'take,' and is bound to sell."--_Boston Post._
+
+"One can read the book again and again, and not tire."--_Detroit Daily
+Advertiser._
+
+"Any mirth-inclined reader will get the book's worth of fun out of four
+chapters in the work. It is beautifully illustrated."--_N.Y. U.S.
+Journal._
+
+"We can promise our readers a hearty laugh over this book."--_New
+Bedford Mercury._
+
+"The reader is advised to see to his buttons before procuring the
+volume."--_Salem Register._
+
+"No _original_ comic writer has appeared in this country before Mr.
+Thompson, alias Doesticks; he will, we think, achieve a position as a
+literary humorist, of which he and his country will have occasion to be
+proud."--_N.Y. Critic._
+
+"We cordially recommend this volume, not only as a successful _debut_ in
+a new field of literature, but as a quaint teacher of morality, a
+promoter of good works, and an improver of public taste."--_Newark
+(N.J.) Advertiser._
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, Publishers, 310 Broadway, New York.
+
+
+
+
+DOESTICKS' BOOKS.
+
+12mo, Cloth, per Volume, $1 00.
+
+Among the numerous testimonials from the press in all sections of the
+country, we select the following, proving that the author's productions
+will be sought for and read by thousands of admirers.
+
+NOTICES OF THE PRESS.
+
+"A humorist and a satirist of a very high order. His blows are aimed
+with severe accuracy against a vast number of the follies, frailties,
+and humbugs of the day."--_Baltimore American, Md._
+
+"He shows up many of the modern popular humbugs in a very strong light,
+and handles them most unmercifully."--_Dayton (Ohio) Daily Empire._
+
+"Doesticks is a wonder. The same happy spirit seems to pervade the
+author and the artist--the illustrations of the latter are quite up to
+anything Cruikshank ever achieved in the same line. If anybody can look
+at these spiritings of the pencil without a loud laugh, he is certainly
+out of our list of even grand fellows--but to enter fully into the
+pleasing features of the work--to laugh over the jokes, to enjoy the
+home-thrusts of wit and satire, our friends must buy the book
+itself."--_Sunday Mercury, N.Y._
+
+"Doesticks is one of the few immortal names that were not born to die.
+Doesticks will always be with us. We have only to step into our library,
+and behold there is the ubiquitous Doesticks! We take him by the
+hand--we listen to the thoughts that breathe--the quaint philosophy--the
+piquant illustration! Doesticks all over--Doesticks in every page--in
+every line! Do you wish to make the acquaintance of Doesticks? Every
+body does."--_New York Railway Journal._
+
+"The illustrations are in admirable keeping with the general tone of
+these 'unprecedented extravagances,' and will help to introduce
+Doesticks and his companions to a large circle of acquaintances."
+--_McMakin's Philadelphia Saturday Courier._
+
+"'Doesticks' is irresistibly funny."--_P.T. Barnum's Letter to the N.Y.
+Tribune._
+
+"Renown has made the euphonious name of 'Doesticks' familiar to the ear
+of all the reading public throughout the length and breadth of the land.
+Those who would eschew the blues, and drive dull care away, should read
+Doesticks--what he says."--_Lansingburg Gazette, N.Y._
+
+"The 'Doesticks' book is before us. Its inimitable fun sticks to us long
+after we have shut the book--its rollicking humor comes back to us in
+gusts."--_Boston Chronicle._
+
+"Doesticks is an original genius. His book is just the thing to pick up
+at odd moments, when time hangs heavy, and the mind seeks to be
+amused."--_Gazette and Democrat, Reading, Pa._
+
+"The essays of the rich, racy, humorous, and original Doesticks will be
+read by thousands."--_New Orleans Bee._
+
+"Doesticks' fun is not of the artificial, spasmodic order, it arises
+from a keen perception of the humorous side of things."--_New York
+Tribune._
+
+"His blows at humbug are trenchant, and his sympathies are ever with
+humanity."--_Boston Evening Gazette._
+
+"Doesticks comes to us like a full and sparkling goblet, overflowing
+with the rich and brilliant sayings of an original mind. If you would
+drive away the 'Blue Devils,' purchase Doesticks, and every sketch you
+read will be better than any pill for the indigestion."--_The Uncle
+Samuel, Boston._
+
+"What Cruikshanks, Leech, or Gavarni does with the pencil, he
+accomplishes with the pen."--_The N.Y. Dutchman._
+
+"The author is a humorist and a satirist of a very high order. His blows
+are aimed with severe accuracy against a vast number of the follies,
+frailties, and humbugs of the day."--_American and Commercial
+Advertiser, Baltimore, Md._
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, _Publishers_,
+310 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.
+
+
+
+
+_Just Published._
+
+A NEW AND IMPROVED EDITION OF THE CHEAPEST AND BEST WORK ON
+ARCHITECTURE.
+
+THE CARPENTER'S ASSISTANT
+
+AND
+
+RURAL ARCHITECT.
+
+_Illustrated with upwards of Two Hundred Copper and Electrotype Plates_;
+
+Embracing the orders of Architecture, Modern and Practical Stair
+Building, Plans, Elevations, Grounds, etc., etc., of Cottages, Villas,
+and Farm Buildings, including Church Edifices.
+
+BY WILLIAM BROWN AND LEWIS E. JOY,
+
+ARCHITECTS.
+
+_Twenty-first Thousand--Large Quarto, bound in Leather_, $3 50
+_    Do.         Do.    Bound in Morocco, marble edges_,  5 00
+
+
+OPINIONS OF THE WORK:
+
+[_From the Telegraph._]
+
+This is a book which every carpenter and house builder should own.
+
+Mr. LIVERMORE:
+
+DEAR SIR,--I have deemed the "Carpenter's Assistant and Rural
+Architect," by Messrs. Brown and Joy, published by you, as one of the
+most valuable guides and books of reference in my library, and take an
+early opportunity to congratulate you on the appearance of a _new and
+improved edition_ of the work, which I have just purchased.
+
+The Lithographic Plates, comprising designs for church edifices, adds in
+my opinion a striking feature to the book, and I have no hesitation in
+averring that it will be sought for by every Architect, Builder, and
+Carpenter in our country, who wishes to possess the most concise and
+practical treatise published.
+
+Respectfully yours,
+
+SAMUEL PHILLIPS, Architect and Builder, Boston.
+
+
+_From Practical Carpenters and Architects._
+
+We, the undersigned citizens of Worcester, Mass., practical carpenters,
+are personally acquainted with William Brown, Esq., Architect, and
+author of a work, entitled the "_Carpenter's Assistant and Rural
+Architect_." We have examined that work with attention, and commend it
+to all who are interested in the study or practice of the art, as a
+valuable treatise on architecture, and it is eminently practical in its
+character. We cheerfully recommend it to the patronage of carpenters and
+the public.
+
+EDWARD LAMB,
+FREEMAN UPHAM,
+P.W. TAFT,
+J.S. WOODWORTH,
+M.H. MORSE,
+S.D. HARDING,
+W.R. BIGELOW,
+HORATIO N. TOWER.
+
+I have carefully examined the "Carpenter's Assistant and Rural
+Architect," and believe it to be a work well adapted to meet the wants
+of the practical workman, being practical in its character, and valuable
+for the perspicuity of its arrangement, clearness of its designs, and
+brevity of its explanations.
+
+I would most cheerfully recommend it to the patronage of carpenters and
+students.
+
+ELBRIDGE BOYDEN, Architect.
+
+
+Mr. BROWN:
+
+SIR,--I have examined your work on architecture, and feeling confident
+of its utility, from its extreme simplicity and singular adaptedness to
+meet the wants of the carpenters, I do cheerfully recommend it to the
+condition of every carpenter especially the apprentice, who will find
+all the rudiments of architecture necessary as well as designs for
+practice.
+
+A.L. BROOKS.
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, _Publishers_,
+310 Broadway, New York.
+
+
+
+
+A BOOK THAT WILL MAKE ITS MARK!
+
+The undersigned have the satisfaction of announcing to the Public and
+the Trade that they have just published an original work of fiction of
+unusual interest and merit, by an American author, entitled,
+
+ASPENWOLD.
+
+The claims of this work to a high place in the front rank of our
+national literature will be admitted by every reader whose critical
+abilities enable him to appreciate authorial excellence.
+
+It is written in the form of an autobiography, like the works of
+MARRYATT, and will favorably compare with the best of that popular
+writer's productions.
+
+It is free from the hackneyed incidents which comprise the principal
+stock in trade of most of our modern novelists, and is emphatically
+
+A FRESH BOOK
+
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, The History and Records of the Elephant Club,
+by Knight Russ Ockside and Q. K. Philander Doesticks, Illustrated by John
+McLenan</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: The History and Records of the Elephant Club</p>
+<p>Author: Knight Russ Ockside and Q. K. Philander Doesticks</p>
+<p>Release Date: May 7, 2010  [eBook #32274]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY AND RECORDS OF THE ELEPHANT CLUB***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>E-text prepared by Bryan Ness, Graeme Mackreth,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (<a href="http://www.pgdp.net/c/">http://www.pgdp.net</a>)<br />
+    from scanned images of public domain material generously made available by<br />
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+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus01.jpg" alt="cover"  /> </p>
+
+<h3>
+The</h3>
+<h2>HISTORY AND RECORDS</h2>
+<h3>OF THE</h3>
+<h1>ELEPHANT CLUB;</h1>
+<h3>COMPILED FROM AUTHENTIC DOCUMENTS<br/>
+NOW IN POSSESSION OF THE</h3>
+<h2>Zo&ouml;logical Society.</h2>
+
+<h3>BY</h3>
+<h2>Knight Russ Ockside, M.D.,</h2>
+<h3>AND</h3>
+<h2>Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.</h2>
+<p class='center' style="margin-top: 5em;">
+NEW YORK:<br />
+Livermore &amp; Rudd, Publishers,<br />
+310 Broadway,<br />
+1857.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p class='center' style="margin-top: 10em;"><small>
+<span class="smcap">Entered</span> according to Act of Congress, in the year 1836, by<br />
+LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD,<br />
+In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the<br />
+Southern District of New York.</small>
+</p>
+
+<p class='center' style="margin-top: 5em;"><small>
+W.H. TINSON, STEREOTYPER.<br />
+<br />
+GEO. RUSSELL &amp; CO., PRINTERS,<br />
+61 Beekman-Street, N.Y.</small>
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3 style="margin-top: 10em;">
+THIS IS THE VERITABLE AND VERACIOUS HISTORY OF THE DOINGS<br />
+AND MISDOINGS OF THE MEMBERS OF</h3>
+<h1>
+THE ELEPHANT CLUB.</h1>
+<h4>
+WITH A MINUTE AND PARTICULAR NARRATIVE OF WHAT THEY DID;<br />
+TO WHICH IS ADDED A COMPLEX AND ELABORATE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT THEY DIDN'T.</h4>
+<h3>
+CONTAINING ALSO THE EXULTANT RECORD OF THEIR<br />
+MEMORABLE SUCCESS IN EVENTUALLY OBTAINING, EACH AND EVERY<br />
+ONE, A SIGHT OF THE ENTIRE AND UNADULTERATED</h3>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus02.jpg" alt="Animal" /> </p>
+
+<h3>
+FROM THE PRIMITIVE HAIR ON HIS ATTENUATED PROBOSCIS, TO THE<br />
+LAST KINK OF HIS SYMMETRICAL TAIL.</h3>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 12em;"><b>
+COMPILED</b></p>
+<p style="margin-left: 20em;"><small><b>BY ME,</b></small></p>
+<p style="margin-left: 15em;"><b>KNIGHT RUSS OCKSIDE, M.D.,</b></p>
+<p style="margin-left: 20em;"><small><b>AND ME,</b></small></p>
+<p style="margin-left: 10em;"><b>Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.</b>
+</p>
+
+
+
+<h3 style="margin-top: 5em;">PREFACE.</h3>
+
+
+<p>This book has been written by the Authors, and printed by the
+Publishers, in the hope that it may be purchased by the Public. If it
+proves to be a failure, the responsibility must rest with the People who
+don't buy it.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CONTENTS.</h2>
+<hr style="width: 30%;" />
+
+<h3><a href="#History_and_Records">HOW THEY MET.</a></h3>
+
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+What there wasn't&mdash;What there was&mdash;A fancied recognition&mdash;Singular
+coincidences&mdash;Preamble and resolution&mdash;A third party&mdash;A fourth
+party&mdash;Accusation of petty larceny&mdash;Satisfactory explanation&mdash;Spirits
+in the closet&mdash;A mysterious letter&mdash;Alarm of Boggs&mdash;More mystery&mdash;A
+murder anticipated&mdash;The reason why&mdash;A perplexing predicament&mdash;A
+philanthropist discovered&mdash;A general embrace&mdash;An astonishing
+statement
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#How_the_Club_Organized">HOW THE CLUB ORGANIZED.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+The second meeting&mdash;A learned dissertation&mdash;A document&mdash;Rules&mdash;Preliminary
+speeches and criticisms&mdash;Order of business&mdash;An election&mdash;Congratulations
+&mdash;The dinner
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#The_Elephantine_Den">THE ELEPHANTINE DEN.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+Its location&mdash;The furniture and its arrangements&mdash;A sentinel
+elected&mdash;Punishment for intrusion&mdash;Resolutions adopted
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#First_Discoveries_of_the_Club">FIRST DISCOVERIES OF THE CLUB.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+A new character&mdash;A glimpse at the animal&mdash;A tall talker&mdash;A
+proposal&mdash;Discovery of a group of street-statuary&mdash;A pistol-gallery
+&mdash;Bowling-alley&mdash;The oriental elephant&mdash;Novel pipes&mdash;Oriental
+experience&mdash;A member frightened&mdash;A new character&mdash;Playing
+Turk&mdash;Ceremony of initiation&mdash;Art in conchology&mdash;Astonishment of
+Johnny Cake&mdash;Engine No. 32&frac14;.&mdash;The rope breaks&mdash;Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>&frasl;<sub>8</sub></small>&mdash;The
+race&mdash;Mixed-up spectacle&mdash;A general row after the fight&mdash;The Club
+resolved
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#First_Evening_with_the_Club">FIRST EVENING WITH THE CLUB.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+Preliminary proceedings&mdash;Bobington Thomas confesses his profession&mdash;Thomas
+and his dogs&mdash;New York dog-pound&mdash;Thomas accepts silver&mdash;Mr.
+James George Boggs&mdash;Johnny Cake's railroad experience&mdash;A malignant
+conductor&mdash;A passenger sings&mdash;A second passenger wakes and joins in
+the chorus&mdash;Song interrupted by an accident&mdash;Results of the accident&mdash;Train
+in motion&mdash;The song finished&mdash;Johnny Cake's abstinence&mdash;First
+experience in Gotham&mdash;Curious coincident&mdash;Wagstaff's note book&mdash;The
+elephant seen&mdash;Members initiated
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#The_Colored_Camp-Meeting">THE COLORED CAMP MEETING.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+A dense smoke&mdash;Resolutions, preparations&mdash;The journey&mdash;Queer specimens
+of Religion&mdash;Corn whisky&mdash;Effects of a hymn&mdash;Return to Gotham
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#Further_Discoveries">FURTHER DISCOVERIES.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+Order enforced&mdash;Boggs practises the art of self-defence&mdash;Successful fight
+with the stove&mdash;Unsuccessful fight with the nigger&mdash;Quackenbush keeps late
+hours&mdash;Deacon Pettingill on a bender&mdash;Is taken to a gambling-house&mdash;Loans
+and loses ten dollars&mdash;Persecution of a corner grocery-man&mdash;A
+gunpowder plot&mdash;More of the Dutchman's troubles&mdash;Cousin Betsy&mdash;Love,
+pride and poverty&mdash;Mr. Buxton and the nigger&mdash;Shanghae coat&mdash;A gratuitous
+baptism&mdash;Conflict between Buxton and the darkey
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#The_Club_in_an_Uproar">THE CLUB IN AN UPROAR.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+South-ferry stages&mdash;Beginning of mishaps&mdash;The military&mdash;The Lager Bier
+Invincibles&mdash;The fat gentleman&mdash;Old maid faints&mdash;Battle of Broadway&mdash;An
+Irish funeral procession&mdash;One cent short&mdash;The journey's end&mdash;Overdale's
+juggling&mdash;Johnny Cake drunk&mdash;An examination of Johnny's companion&mdash;How
+he lived
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#Johnny_Cakes_first_Spree">JOHNNY CAKE'S FIRST SPREE.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+Johnny's fall&mdash;He goes into the Bowery&mdash;An artistic barkeeper&mdash;The fly&mdash;A
+Kansas official&mdash;Johnny Cake's delusion&mdash;A Chatham street auction&mdash;Johnny's
+sensation&mdash;The gift enterprise&mdash;Dropper's dream and hopes of
+success&mdash;The realization&mdash;Who didn't win
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#The_Police_Courts">THE POLICE COURTS.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+Visit to Essex Market&mdash;Peculiarities of Edward Bobber&mdash;Palmerston hook
+the eel-catcher&mdash;The poet in Limbo&mdash;Warbles moralises&mdash;A German
+witness&mdash;The oath&mdash;Disturbed by cats&mdash;Mysterious caterwaulings&mdash;The mystery
+explained&mdash;Bad liquor&mdash;A Tombs lawyer&mdash;His retainer&mdash;An Irish
+wake&mdash;An eccentric corpse&mdash;A free fight&mdash;The corpse in court&mdash;The case
+concluded&mdash;Timothy Mulrooney&mdash;Michael's virtues&mdash;Timothy's cat&mdash;Mr.
+Blobb&mdash;A knowing officer&mdash;Old Dog Tray&mdash;Blobb discharged&mdash;Quackenbush
+confesses&mdash;Quackenbush forgiven
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#The_Hamlet_Night">THE HAMLET NIGHT.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+Attempt to swindle the darling public&mdash;The ghost&mdash;A small Hamlet and
+large Queen&mdash;The ghost in an overcoat&mdash;The death scene&mdash;Overdale's
+ideas&mdash;An unappreciative boy&mdash;Inconsistencies&mdash;Clockwork legs&mdash;A
+complicated case
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#Mrs_Throughby_Daylights_Fancy_Dress_Jam">MRS. THROUGHBY DAYLIGHT'S FANCY DRESS JAM.</a>
+</h3>
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+A complicated case&mdash;Mr. Spout's offer&mdash;Dropper bewildered&mdash;Spout expatiates
+upon the genius of Brown&mdash;The Turk and Choctaw&mdash;The fancy dress jam&mdash;The
+Elephants at the fancy dress jam&mdash;The result
+</p>
+
+<h3><a href="#Conclusion">CONCLUSION.</a></h3>
+
+<p style="margin-top: .5em;">
+The club in danger&mdash;Resolutions&mdash;The records of the club&mdash;Their
+compilation&mdash;The last of the Elephant Club
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus03.jpg" alt="heading"  />
+</p>
+
+
+<p class="center"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>
+<a name="History_and_Records" id="History_and_Records"></a><img src="images/illus004.jpg" alt="heading"  />
+
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p class='center'>[Enter with a Flourish of Trumpets.]</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 30em;"><span class="smcap">Shakespeare.</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+
+<p><b>THERE</b>  were <i>no</i> two horses to be seen winding along the base of a
+precipitous hill; and there were <i>no</i> dark-looking riders on those
+<span class='floatl'><img src="images/illus006.jpg" alt="reclining man"  /></span>horses which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> were not to be seen; and it <i>wasn't</i> at the close of a
+dusky autumn evening; and the setting sun <i>didn't</i> gild, with his
+departing rays, the steep summit of the mountain tops; and the gloomy
+cry of the owl was <i>not</i> to be heard from the depths of a neighboring
+forest&mdash;first, because there <i>wasn't</i> any neighboring forest, and,
+second, because the owl was in better business, having, some hours
+before, gone to bed, it now being broad daylight. The mountain tops, the
+lofty summits, the inaccessible precipices, the precipitous descents,
+the descending inaccessibilities, and the usual quantity of
+insurmountable landscape, which forms the stereotyped opening to popular
+romances, is here omitted by particular request.</p>
+
+<p>The time and place to which the unfortunate reader's attention is
+particularly called, are four o'clock of a melting afternoon in August,
+and a labyrinth of bricks and mortar, yclept Gotham. The majority of the
+inhabitants of the aforesaid place, at the identical time herein
+referred to, were perspiring; others were sweltering; still others were
+melting down into their boots, and the remainder were dying from
+sun-stroke.</p>
+
+<p>At this time, a young gentleman seated himself behind the front window
+of the reading and smoking-room of the Shanghae Hotel, in Broadway. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>
+chair he occupied was capacious, and had been contrived originally, by
+ingenious mechanics, for the purpose of inducing laziness. The gentleman
+had taken possession of this article of furniture for the double purpose
+of resting himself from the fatigues of a month's inactivity, and also
+securing a position where he could see the ladies pass and repass, in
+hopes that the sight might dispel the dull monotony of a hotel life in
+the city, during summer. On this occasion, to secure additional ease,
+the individual had adopted the American attitude of raising his feet to
+a level with his head, by placing them upon a cast-iron fender behind
+the window&mdash;an attitude, by the way, not particularly characterized by
+its classic grace.</p>
+
+<p>There was nothing remarkable in the dress of the person to whom we have
+alluded. He was evidently a victim to the popular insanity of conforming
+to fashion. So strictly were his garments cut and made in accordance
+with the prevailing style, no one could doubt for a moment that the
+taste, or want of taste, manifested in his dress, was not his own, but
+the tailor's. In his hand he held a small cane, with which he amused
+himself, first, by biting the ivory head, then by making it turn
+summer-<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span>saults through the fingers of his right hand, after the manner
+in which Hibernians are supposed to exercise their shillelahs.</p>
+
+<p>Whether the activity in the streets, the appearance of the ladies with
+every variety of dress, or the gymnastic eccentricities of his cane,
+were particularly entertaining, is very questionable; certain it is,
+that the expression of his eyes showed gradually less and less of
+animation. By degrees his eyelids closed. His head soon vibrated with an
+irregular motion, until it found a support against the back of the
+chair. His hat fell from his head, and his cane dropped from his
+fingers. His muscles became fully relaxed. He was, undeniably, asleep.</p>
+
+<p>He had been sleeping nearly a half hour, when an individual, who was
+walking leisurely down Broadway, casually glanced in the window of the
+Shanghae, where our first person singular was sleeping, with more
+seeming comfort than real elegance of position. He seemed struck with
+the appearance of the sleeper, and pausing for a brief time to survey
+his form, contorted, as it was, into all sorts of geometrical
+irregularities, curves, angles, and indescribable shapes, he entered the
+hotel, passed around into the room where the sleeper was, and did not
+stop<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> until at his side. He again stood for a moment, silently
+contemplating the form and features of the sleep-bound stranger.</p>
+
+<p>The second person was also singular. He was, apparently, about
+twenty-five years of age, with a full, florid, and expressive face. His
+body was quite rotund, even to corpulency; and, save a heavy moustache,
+his face was closely shaven. His clothes were of the thinnest material,
+and well adapted to secure comfort during the hot season. His
+expression, as he stood watching the first person singular, seemed full
+of doubt. At last, as if determined to remain in doubt no longer, he
+touched the somnolent first person lightly on the shoulder. First person
+singular opened his eyes with a spasmodic start, stared wildly about him
+for a moment, until his eyes rested upon the disturber of his slumbers.</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me, sir," said second person singular, "but an irresistible
+impulse led me to awaken you. The fact is, sir, a few years since, I had
+an intimate friend who was lost at sea, and such is the resemblance you
+bear to him, the thought struck me that you might be he. Were you ever
+lost at sea, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>First person singular looked with some little astonishment upon his
+interrogator. He wiped the per<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>spiration from his forehead, assumed an
+erect position in his chair, and replied:</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think I ever was."</p>
+
+<p>"It may have been your brother," said second person singular.</p>
+
+<p>"It couldn't have been, for I never had a brother. By the way, I did
+have an uncle who, on one occasion, when hunting in Illinois, some
+fifteen years since, was lost on a prairie. Perhaps it's that
+circumstance to which you refer?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, it was at sea. I'm sorry, sir, that I disturbed your sleep."</p>
+
+<p>"You needn't be," was the reply, "for I went to sleep without intending
+to do so."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you ever imbibe?" was the next interrogation.</p>
+
+<p>First person singular said he was guilty of no small vices, though he
+didn't care if he did take a brandy smash. The parties then adjourned to
+the inner temple of the Shanghae. Second person singular ordered the
+smash for his companion, and a sherry cobbler (so called from its
+supposed potency in patching up the human frame, when it is about
+falling to pieces under the influence of weather of a high temperature)
+for himself. A succession of singular coincidences followed. Each party
+suggested<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> at the same moment, that it was confoundedly hot in the sun.
+Both simultaneously imbibed. Each said he felt better after it, and each
+undoubtedly told the truth. Both arose at the same instant, inquired who
+the other was, whereupon two autobiographies were extemporized in brief.
+They disclosed the following facts. First person singular's name was
+Myndert Van Dam; he was a descendent of one of the Dutch families who
+originally colonized Manhattan Island. He had been three years absent in
+Europe, and on returning a few weeks before, found most of his
+acquaintances had left the city on account of the hot weather, and his
+experience had been one of uninterrupted dullness. Second person
+singular rejoiced in the appellation of John Spout. His genealogy was
+obscure, but so far as he could learn, he was descended in a direct line
+from his great grandfather on his mother's side. If his ancestry had
+ever done anything which would entitle their names to a place in
+history, it was very certain that historians had failed to do their
+duty: for he had never found the name of Spout recorded in connection
+with great deeds, from the robbing of a hen roost down to cowhiding a
+Congressman. He was by profession an apothecary, and was laying off for
+a few weeks' relaxation. Mr. Spout concluded<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> his personal narrative by
+suggesting the following proposition:</p>
+
+<p><i>Whereas</i>, We have demolished a smash, and annihilated a cobler;</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, That we now proceed to devastate a couple of segars.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus008a.jpg" alt="meeting"  />
+</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout adopted the resolution unanimously, and by a further singular
+coincidence, they lighted their segars, and left the place for a
+promenade. A brisk rain beginning to fall, they sheltered themselves
+under an awning. A pair of gold spectacles containing a tall, sharp
+featured man, adorned with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> an unshaven face and a brigandish hat,
+approached them, and asked Mr. Spout for a light. Mr. Spout acquiesced.
+The party in attempting to return the cigar, accidentally touched the
+lighted end to Mr. Spout's hand, and not only burned his hand slightly,
+but knocked the cigar out of the fingers of third party; whereupon, Mr.
+Spout extemporized a moderate swear. Third party apologized, and offered
+a cigar to Spout and Van Dam from his own cigar-case, which they
+accepted; and he hoped that in their future acquaintance, should they
+feel disposed to continue it, he would not again involuntarily burn
+their fingers. He announced himself to be Mr. Remington Dropper, a two
+years' importation from Cincinnati, and a book-keeper in the heavy
+hardware house of Steel, Banger &amp; Co., down town.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dropper," said Spout, "I am happy to have made your acquaintance.
+My name is Spout&mdash;John Spout&mdash;chemist and apothecary, with Pound &amp;
+Mixem, No. 34, opposite the whisky-shop. Allow me to make you acquainted
+with my old and valued friend Mr.&mdash;&mdash; Mr.&mdash;&mdash; what the devil did you say
+your name is?" said he, addressing Van Dam, aside.</p>
+
+<p>"Myndert Van Dam," suggested the gentleman speaking for himself.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," resumed Spout, "Myndert Van Dam."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>As they shook hands, Mr. Dropper's attention was called in another
+direction. He desired his companions to notice the fact that a man was
+approaching with his umbrella, and having bought and lost too many
+articles of that description, he should not stand unmoved, and see the
+last one vanish from his sight.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus009.jpg" alt="dropper"  />
+
+</p>
+
+<p>An individual of small stature, apparently about forty-five years of
+age, with hair of an undeniable, though not an undyeable red approached,
+holding over his head a silk umbrella.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dropper stepped forward and confronted him. He said he was aware
+that if every man were compelled to account for the possession of that
+which he claimed as his own, the world would hear some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> rich
+developments, in a moral point of view, respecting the tenure of
+property; and it was precisely for this reason that he had stopped him
+in the street. He inquired of fat party with the silk umbrella, if he
+saw the point of his remark. Fat party confessed his inability to
+comprehend its intent. Mr. Dropper then proceeded to state that when he
+called fat party's attention to the subject of titles to property in
+general, he did suppose that fat party would be led to ask himself
+whether he had a legal and equitable title to the umbrella in particular
+which he was then under. Fat party fancied that he <i>did</i> perceive a
+lurking innuendo that he had stolen somebody's umbrella. Mr. Dropper was
+gratified to discover fat party's readiness of comprehension; at his
+request fat party brought down the umbrella, which discovered the
+following words painted conspicuously on the cloth outside:</p>
+
+<p class='center'>
+"<span class="smcap">Stolen From R. Dropper.</span>"<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dropper insisted that there was the evidence, "R. Dropper," meaning
+Remington Dropper&mdash;Remington Dropper being himself&mdash;"Stolen from R.
+Dropper," by whom?&mdash;He would not assert positively<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> that fat party was a
+hall-thief, but he would say and he did say, that his umbrella was found
+in fat party's possession, without his permission. Some old
+stick-in-the-mud had said somewhere, to somebody, sometime, that an
+honest confession was good for the soul, and if fat party would
+acknowledge the unbuilt whisky, he wouldn't appear against him on his
+trial for petty larceny. Fat party repudiated the idea that he was a
+thief. As far as Mr. Dropper's recollection assisted him he had always
+noticed that the biggest rascals protested their innocence the most
+emphatically. Fat party appealed to Mr. Dropper's magnanimity to hear
+his explanation, which Mr. Dropper consented to do.</p>
+
+<p>The explanation developed the fact that fat party was Mr. James George
+Boggs, late of the Department of the Interior, at Washington, who had
+arrived that afternoon in the city with his sister, Mrs. Banger, wife of
+Mr. Banger, of the firm of Steel, Banger &amp; Co., who, it is already
+stated, were Mr. Dropper's employers. They went directly to Mr. Banger's
+counting-room, and whilst there it commenced to rain; Mr. Banger offered
+Mr. Boggs Dropper's umbrella to walk up with, Boggs accepted it, and on
+his way up had been stopped on suspicion of theft.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Dropper made a humiliating apology, swore eternal friendship to Boggs,
+introduced him to Van Dam and Spout, and invited the party to his room
+to spoil a snifter from his private bottle. They accepted the invitation
+with commendable alacrity, and soon arrived at Mr. Dropper's cozy
+apartment, which was situated on one of the streets intersecting
+Broadway. At Mr. Dropper's request, they seated themselves in a circle
+around the table, with the view of calling up the spirits, but whether
+saintly or satanic, the compilers of these records do not venture an
+opinion. After sitting three minutes and twenty seconds in solemn
+silence, it was discovered that Dropper was a medium, as he was enabled
+to bring up the spirits in tangible and unmistaken shape from his
+closet, and forthwith communications of a very satisfactory character
+were made to the circle. Indeed, the opinion was very generally
+expressed, that the spirits were genuine spirits, and the medium an
+excellent test medium, through which they should delight, in future, to
+have further communications.</p>
+
+<p>As they finished their wine a knock was heard at the door. Dropper
+responded with a "Come in." An Irish servant put her head within the
+apartment:</p>
+
+<p>"Plase, sir," said she, "I have a caird here that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> a gintleman at the
+door towld me to give to the red-headed gintleman as just come in."</p>
+
+<p>Dropper viewed the card, and the four looked at each other for a moment,
+apparently with a view of discovering who it was that answered the
+description of a "red-headed gintleman." At last, Boggs spoke.</p>
+
+<p>"I think it must be me," said he, receiving the card from Dropper, and
+reading aloud, from the back of it, as follows:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Sir, an old acquaintance desires to see you for a moment, in
+relation to a matter involving your own interest."</p></div>
+
+<p>"Show him up," said Dropper, "it will only make one more&mdash;that is, if
+Boggs is agreed."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Boggs had no objections to such course being taken, though he was
+deeply puzzled to know who the old acquaintance could be.</p>
+
+<p>In a moment, the servant introduced into the room a tall, spare
+individual, of about thirty-two years of age. He was ordinarily attired,
+and, though not seedy, his garments were by no means new. His face was
+closely shaven, and surrounded by a large standing collar. He looked
+around the room upon the different parties present, until his eyes
+rested upon Boggs. He then ventured to speak.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus010.jpg" alt="calling"  />
+
+</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said he, "excuse this interruption. The fact is, I have
+been seeking this gentleman for nearly three years past, and observing
+him in company with you, I could not forbear following to seek a brief
+interview."</p>
+
+<p>Boggs turned pale. Visions of cowhides and pistols came before his mind.</p>
+
+<p>"You are perfectly excusable," said Dropper. "We will leave the room, if
+you desire."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"N-n-not for all the world," ejaculated Boggs, hastily. "I have not the
+slightest objection to your remaining."</p>
+
+<p>"Nor I," said the tall gentleman. "Your name," continued he, addressing
+Boggs, "is Johnson, I believe."</p>
+
+<p>Nothing could have relieved Boggs from the suspense under which he was
+laboring more than this last remark. The gentleman had evidently
+mistaken him for one Johnson, who had, probably, insulted or injured the
+tall individual, on some previous occasion. The blush again returned to
+Boggs' cheeks.</p>
+
+<p>"You are mistaken," said he, at last. "My name is Boggs."</p>
+
+<p>"Boggs&mdash;so it is," said the tall stranger. "My bad memory often leads me
+into errors. But the mistake is very natural&mdash;Johnson sounds so much
+like Boggs; but, whether Johnson or Boggs, you are the individual whom I
+seek."</p>
+
+<p>This announcement caused Boggs's courage to again descend into his
+boots.</p>
+
+<p>"It is three years since I have seen you," said the tall individual.
+"During that length of time, a person would be likely to forget a name.
+But your person, sir, that I could never, never forget," continued the
+tall man, solemnly, and throwing in a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> little melo-dramatic action, as
+he spoke, which made Boggs shudder.</p>
+
+<p>"C-c-certainly," said Boggs.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Boggs," said the stranger, "you probably don't recollect me."</p>
+
+<p>"C-can't say that I do," stammered Boggs.</p>
+
+<p>"That need make no difference," said the stranger, mysteriously. "I know
+you."</p>
+
+<p>The stranger then commenced feeling in his coat pockets with his hands.</p>
+
+<p>Boggs sprang to his feet, observing this movement, fully satisfied that
+the stranger was seeking his revolver or bowie-knife.</p>
+
+<p>"Sir," said Boggs, hurriedly, "if I have ever unconsciously done you an
+injury, I am ready to apologize. I can see no good reason why this
+apartment should be made the scene of a sanguinary conflict."</p>
+
+<p>"Sanguinary conflict&mdash;apology"&mdash;said the other, somewhat astonished. "My
+dear sir, the apology is due to you."</p>
+
+<p>Boggs's equanimity was once more restored. "You don't know how happy I
+am to hear you say so," said he. "Could you make it convenient to
+apologize at once, to fully relieve my mind of the frightful
+anticipations?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"With the greatest pleasure in the world, Mr. Boggs," said the stranger.
+"I apologize."</p>
+
+<p>"And I cheerfully forgive you," said Boggs.</p>
+
+<p>"Then you recollect the circumstance, do you?" asked the stranger.</p>
+
+<p>"Hang me if I do," said Boggs.</p>
+
+<p>"Then you forgive me in anticipation."</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," replied Boggs. "But what the devil were you feeling in your
+pockets for so mysteriously?"</p>
+
+<p>"My <i>porte-monnaie</i>," replied the stranger, who at length succeeded in
+finding the object of his search. He took from it a gold dollar, two
+dimes and a cent, and placed them on the table before Boggs. "There,"
+said he, "is the sum of one dollar and twenty-one cents, United States
+currency, which amount is justly your due."</p>
+
+<p>"What the deuce does all this mean?" asked Boggs, in his bewilderment;
+"for between being waylaid in the street, accused of petty larceny,
+anticipations of being murdered, receiving apologies for unknown
+injuries, and the proffer of money from a total stranger, I hardly know
+whether I am standing on my heels or my head."</p>
+
+<p>The mysterious stranger then proceeded to make his explanation.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"About three years ago," said he, "I invited a lady friend to the
+theatre. She signified her intention to accept the invitation. In the
+evening I called for her, attired in my best, and found her seated in
+the parlor attired in <i>her</i> best. We arrived at the theatre. I had taken
+with me only a small sum of money&mdash;amounting in the aggregate to one
+dollar and thirty-seven and a half cents. I took the dollar from my
+pocket, and passed it to the ticket-seller, who took occasion to pass it
+to me again immediately, and putting his physiognomy before the seven by
+nine aperture through which the money goes in and the pasteboard comes
+out, he announced to me, in effect, that the bank note aforesaid, of the
+denomination of one dollar, was a base imitation. This was a perplexing
+position. Had I been the fortunate possessor of another dollar on the
+spot, I should not have been troubled. The lady's acquaintance I had but
+recently formed. My pride would not permit me to announce to her my true
+financial condition at that moment. Between pride and a hurried
+contemplation of the prospective frightful results of my monetary
+deficiency, I was completely bewildered. I stammered out something about
+having nothing with me except two or three shillings and a fifty dollar
+bill&mdash;the first of which, gentlemen,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> existed in the innermost recesses
+of my vest pocket, and the last in my imagination. I was wondering what
+the devil I should do next, when a gentleman with red hair addressed me.
+"Good evening, sir," said he, touching his hat, "did you say you have
+difficulty in getting a bill changed?" Without waiting for me to speak
+he said, "here's a dollar; you can return it to me to-morrow, when you
+call at my office to transact that matter of which we were speaking
+yesterday. Good evening." I looked in my hand, and found in it two half
+dollars and a card, upon which I perceived a name and address written. I
+was more bewildered than ever, owing to the unexpected deliverance, from
+what a moment before, I had believed to be an inextricable difficulty. I
+thought that heaven had deputed some red-haired angel to come to my
+relief. Then I doubted whether it was not a dream; but the weight of the
+two half dollars satisfied me that the whole thing was a tangible
+reality. The difficulty was dissipated, the funds were provided, and the
+necessary tickets purchased. Next morning I resolved to visit my
+deliverer, and give him my heartfelt thanks and a dollar. As I was about
+to leave on my joyful errand, I felt in my pocket for the card; it was
+gone. I was horror-stricken. I searched everywhere, but could not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> find
+it. I tried then to recall to my mind the name; but having read it under
+considerable excitement, it had not impressed itself upon my memory. I
+went to the theatre, in hopes to find it there, but in vain. For three
+months, gentlemen, all my spare time was employed in perambulating
+Broadway, and standing at the entrance of the theatre, in hopes of
+meeting my deliverer. Many are the short and red-haired gentlemen whom I
+have vainly pursued. A half hour since, as I was riding down Broadway in
+a stage, I saw my deliverer turning the corner of this street, in
+company with three other gentlemen. I stopped the stage, gave the driver
+a quarter, and without waiting to receive the change, I made a rush for
+the stage door, stepped on the silk skirt of a lady passenger, kicked a
+fat gentleman on the shins, knocked a baby out of an Irishwoman's lap,
+fell, and struck my head against the door, tumbled out, slipped on the
+Russ pavement, excited the mirth of the passengers and pedestrians, got
+up, and reached the corner just in time to see the party whom I followed
+enter this house. I rushed on, and after some little inquiry, succeeded
+in attaining this apartment. Gentlemen, Boggs was my deliverer."</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah for Boggs," shouted Dropper.</p>
+
+<p>"Boggs, you're a philanthropist," said Spout.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>Vive le Boggs</i>," said Van Dam.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said Boggs, "I protest against your unwarranted
+compliments. My dear sir," said he, addressing the stranger, "you only
+borrowed a dollar of me, whereas, I perceive you have given me one
+dollar and twenty-one cents."</p>
+
+<p>"Three years interest, at seven per cent," suggested the stranger,
+"Legally your due, and I insist upon your accepting interest as well as
+principal."</p>
+
+<p>Boggs, without further objection pocketed the proffered amount.</p>
+
+<p>"Your case," said Spout, to the stranger; "is one of morbid
+concientiousness; so much so that I feel desirous of knowing you
+better."</p>
+
+<p>"My name, gentlemen," said the stranger, "is Dusenbury Quackenbush."</p>
+
+<p>A general rush was made toward the stranger. Van Dam seized one hand,
+Boggs the other; Spout caught him by the arm, whilst Dropper, who was
+the last to reach him, threw his long arms around the whole party. For a
+moment there was general commotion, growing out of a fierce shaking of
+hands and arms. Each person loudly assured Mr. Quackenbush of the
+happiness he felt in having formed his acquaintance. As soon as they had
+relieved him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> from their affectionate welcomings Mr. Quackenbush spoke.</p>
+
+<p>"I am certainly happy to become acquainted with you, gentlemen,"
+remarked he, "but really I am fearful I shall not be a very interesting
+acquaintance in a <i>coterie</i> of old friends, as you appear to be, and
+without doubt are."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, we are old friends," said Spout, "our friendship is as enduring as
+the gullibility of the public, and I might add as ancient
+as&mdash;as&mdash;gentlemen excuse me if I fail in this point to institute an
+appropriate comparison. As an astonisher, however, I will inform you of
+a fact known only to Mr. Van Dam and myself; and which is, that, two
+hours since, not one of the gentlemen of this quintet had ever known
+another of it; if I except the case of Mr. Boggs and Mr. Quackenbush."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Quackenbush," inquired Spout, "allow me to ask whether you are
+acquainted with life in the metropolis in its multiform phases?"</p>
+
+<p>"I confess my ignorance," was the reply. "It is most unfortunate that
+the position of a teacher in a public school is one not calculated to
+bring an individual in contact with much that is interesting."</p>
+
+<p>"Taking that fact into consideration," said Spout, "I propose, that you
+all meet me at my room, two<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> evenings hence, when I shall be prepared to
+unfold to you a purpose and a plan, which I have just conceived. My
+room, gentlemen, is over old Shavem's, the brokers, three doors from the
+corner. The number would be 461&frac12;, if there were any on the door. You
+can't mistake the place, however; there is an antiquated pump in front,
+and when I'm at home there is a Spout inside."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh&mdash;h!" groaned Dropper.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," resumed Spout, "I don't often attempt such things. Can I
+depend upon your coming?"</p>
+
+<p>All gave an affirmative response.</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said Spout, "you can depend upon my going, I pronounce this
+meeting adjourned."</p>
+
+<p>After a few words the parties separated.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus011.jpg" alt="corner"  />
+
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class="center">
+<a name="How_the_Club_Organized" id="How_the_Club_Organized"></a><img src="images/illus012.jpg" alt="heading"  /> <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p class='center'>Put out the light, and then put.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Shakspeare.</span></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<p> <b>THE</b> evening arrived on which the gentlemen, named in the last
+chapter, were to meet in the room of Mr. John Spout.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout was there, awaiting the arrival of his friends. He was seated
+<span class="floatl">
+<img src="images/illus014.jpg" alt="table"  />
+</span>at the end of a table, in a large easy-chair, in his dressing-gown.
+Before him, on the table, were several written papers. The apartment was
+one of moderate dimensions, neatly carpeted, and, with plenty of
+furniture, unobjectionable in quality and taste. On the walls were
+suspended various pictures, engravings, fencing-foils, and masks,
+boxing-gloves, antique models, Indian ornaments, plaster casts of legs,
+arms, hands, feet, &amp;c. On either side of the table were two chairs,
+placed there, evidently, in anticipation of the arrival of his friends.</p>
+
+<p>Several pipe-stems protruded from a pasteboard box, which was on the
+table. It required no unusual shrewdness to guess at the contents, and
+to rightly determine that it was filled with the best-abused, and, at
+the same time, best-used weed known.</p>
+
+<p>One by one, the other gentlemen arrived, and were ushered by the
+housekeeper into Mr. Spout's apartment. They sat, engaged in discussing
+tobacco and the events of the day. At length, Mr. Dropper inquired of
+Mr. Spout if he had as yet fully elaborated the idea which, on the
+occasion of the previous meeting, had seemed to weigh so heavily on his
+mind?</p>
+
+<p>"I was about to advert to the subject," said Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> Spout. "It has engaged
+my undivided attention up to the present time, and the idea and plan
+based upon it are sufficiently perfected to satisfy myself."</p>
+
+<p>"Trot it out," said Boggs, "we are all attention."</p>
+
+<p>"The fact, gentlemen," said Spout, "that most of our number have been
+either absent from the city, or so much engaged in our different
+vocations that we have never gained, or have lost, familiarity with many
+interesting phases of life, as it exists in New York, suggested to me
+the thought of devoting some portion of our time to looking about, and
+having put our observations in writing, to interchange them for our
+mutual gratification."</p>
+
+<p>"A capital idea," said Mr. Dusenbury Quackenbush.</p>
+
+<p>"Brilliant with pleasurable results," remarked Mr. Myndert Van Dam.</p>
+
+<p>"Replete with rational enjoyment," suggested Mr. Remington Dropper.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm in," was the laconic response of Mr. James George Boggs.</p>
+
+<p>"Then I suppose I can count upon your co&ouml;peration in the realization of
+the idea," said Spout.</p>
+
+<p>A general affirmative answer being given, Mr. Spout continued.</p>
+
+<p>"You being unanimous," said he, "I'll now pro<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span>ceed to unfold my plans.
+To secure unanimity of action and entire success, it is necessary that
+we have a plan of organization. But in thinking upon this subject, I
+have foreseen that, by the adoption of any of the ordinary plans, we
+saddle ourselves with a useless machinery, which will hinder the
+successful accomplishment of the object we desire. We have no time to
+spare in discussing rules of order, the adoption of which invariably
+makes disorder the rule. Yet, there must be a head. In brief, then,
+gentlemen, I propose that the principles upon which our meetings shall
+be governed, shall be a despotic principle, but one which shall be
+compatible with the largest liberty of the governed. How do you like the
+idea?"</p>
+
+<p>"The idea looks paradoxical to me," said Van Dam.</p>
+
+<p>"Rather profound," suggested Quackenbush.</p>
+
+<p>"Funny," said Boggs.</p>
+
+<p>"I can tell better when I hear the rules," said Dropper.</p>
+
+<p>"I have them prepared," continued Spout. "Shall I read them to you?"</p>
+
+<p>"By all means," replied Van Dam.</p>
+
+<p>The others signified an affirmative response.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout then proceeded to read:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"We, whose signatures are hereunto affixed, do hereby organize ourselves
+into a club, having for its</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>NAME,</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Elephant Club</span>, and having in view the following</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>OBJECTS:</p>
+
+<p>1. The enjoyment and amusement of its members through.</p>
+
+<p>2. A profound study of the Metropolitan Elephant, by surveying him in
+all his majesty of proportion, by tracing him to his secret haunts, and
+observing his habits, both in his wild and domestic state.</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>OFFICER.</p>
+
+<p>The only officer of the club shall be a Higholdboy, whose</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>DUTY</p>
+
+<p>It shall be to sit in a big chair, at the end of the table, and to see
+that the members conform to the following</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>RULES OF CONDUCT:</p>
+
+<p>1. In the meetings of the club, every member shall do exactly as he
+pleases.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>2. Each member shall speak when he pleases, what he pleases, and as long
+as he pleases.</p>
+
+<p>N.B.&mdash;If the remarks of any member are particularly stupid or tedious,
+the other members are under no obligations to remain and hear them.</p>
+
+<p>N. particular B. Should the speaker, at the conclusion of his remarks,
+find himself in the presence of only a part of his original audience,
+and some of those asleep; he is at full liberty, for his private
+satisfaction, to conclude that his eloquence, like that of the
+traditional parsons, is not only moving and soothing, as evidenced by
+the absence of some and the somnolence of others, but so satisfactory
+that those who were awake will never care to hear him again.</p>
+
+<p>3. No member shall be permitted to bring spirituous or fermented
+liquors, wine, beer, or cider, whether imported or domestic, into any of
+the meetings of the club, under the penalty of passing them around for
+general use; unless the member prefers to keep them to himself, from
+motives of economy&mdash;the economy in such case to be regarded as an
+offence, to be punished with a severe letting alone.</p>
+
+<p>4. The third rule shall apply to cigars, cheroots, and cigaretts.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>5. Ditto&mdash;ditto&mdash;sardines, Bologna sausages, crackers and cheese.</p>
+
+<p>6. Members are prohibited from sitting with their feet on the table,
+unless in that position they sit with more comfort, or they have other
+reasons satisfactory to themselves.</p>
+
+<p>N.B.&mdash;The Higholdboy, in consideration of his onerous duties, is
+exempted from the action of this rule.</p>
+
+<p>7. The Higholdboy is empowered to reprimand any member, when he
+considers it necessary to preserve the dignity of the club.</p>
+
+<p>N. special and particular B. In order that this rule shall not operate
+prejudicially to the sovereign rights of individuals, the members of the
+club are at liberty to treat the reprimand of the Higholdboy as a good
+joke.</p>
+
+<p>8. Any member who shall be absent from any meeting of the club, shall be
+liable to stand a half-dozen on the half shell for each of his
+fellow-members, unless he gives <i>no</i> previous notice to the club, or any
+member thereof, of his prospective absence. Such notice, which he fails
+to give, to be either verbal or written, at his own option.</p>
+
+<p>9. These foregoing rules shall in all cases be construed strictly, they
+shall never be repealed or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> amended; and shall be of binding force,
+except as hereinafter provided in the</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>ORDER OF BUSINESS.</p>
+
+<p>1. The Higholdboy shall announce the suspension of all rules for three
+months.</p>
+
+<p>At the conclusion, Mr. Spout, in a solemn tone, addressed the party.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentleman," said he, "I am aware that the rules, which I have prepared
+and submitted, are stringent in the extreme, but I think they will be
+found, on examination, to be no more so than is essential to secure that
+unanimity of action so indispensable to the accomplishment of any great
+end. Believing, then, that you fully appreciate the importance of the
+end we have in view, I trust they will meet with your approval.
+Gentlemen, I give way to others."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout took his seat, amid manifestations of the approval of his
+associates.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Boggs was the first to speak on the subject of the rules.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said he, "unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, and
+overpowered as I feel at the present moment, I should do injustice to my
+own<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> feelings, did I fail to endorse the excellence of the rules
+reported by my friend Spout, and to give my unqualified adhesion, in
+accordance with the spirit which pervades them."</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus015.jpg" alt="oldboy"  />
+</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dropper said that he had but one fault to find. He was by nature
+fond of resisting all rules, the idea of which he had always associated
+with a restriction of individual liberty. The rules proposed by Mr.
+Spout contemplated no restriction. They were so nice an adjustment of
+the relations between the governor and the governed that he could not
+find it in his heart to resist them. Hence he would be debarred his
+usual gratification of combatting them. Still he was willing to give
+them a trial.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Quackenbush liked the rules very much, as he thought it was coming
+down to first principles.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Van Dam said that, so far as he was con<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>cerned, the matter was all
+right; if it wasn't, "he'd make it right."</p>
+
+<p>An inquiry was made as to who would fill the office of the Higholdboy.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout replied. He said that their club was an anomaly. It differed
+in its features from any organization which had ever been made. He
+thought that its individual peculiarities should be kept up in the
+matter of the election of its presiding officers. He was in favor of
+self-elevation to the position, and of letting the voluntary
+acquiescence of the members measure the duration of individuals' tenure
+of office&mdash;in other words, when they got tired of him, leave him to
+preside over a meeting composed of himself and the furniture. "Now,
+gentlemen," concluded Mr. Spout, "who wants to be a Higholdboy? Don't
+all speak at once."</p>
+
+<p>Van Dam looked at Boggs; Boggs glanced at Dropper; Dropper eyed
+Quackenbush, and Quackenbush turned his eyes upon Spout.</p>
+
+<p>"No one speaks," said Spout, "which leads me to believe that no one
+desires the position unless it be myself, which I confess, gentlemen, is
+true. Gentlemen, I declare myself duly elevated and installed into the
+office of Higholdboy of the Elephant Club, and when you survey my
+proportions, and look at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> the size of that chair, I am satisfied you
+will concede that I am well adapted to fill it. In conclusion,
+gentlemen, I ask of you your co&ouml;peration in forwarding the aims and
+purposes of this club. Mr. Boggs, will you pass me the tobacco-box?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," said Boggs, as he passed the box, "and allow me to
+congratulate your constituency in having elevated you to so responsible
+a position."</p>
+
+<p>"A very respectable constituency of one&mdash;Spout," said Mr. Quackenbush.
+"But it is very funny, isn't it?" said he.</p>
+
+<p>"It's a go," said Dropper.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Van Dam was very glad that he wasn't the lucky man, as he had such
+an abhorrence of responsibility.</p>
+
+<p>The question of the time and place of meetings was the next subject
+discussed. It was finally agreed to leave that matter for future
+consideration.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said Spout, "I have assumed a responsibility, in
+anticipation of my attaining the Higholdboyship of this club. In this,
+perhaps, my course will not meet with your full approval; the nature of
+the step you will be apprised of in the room below. Will you accompany
+me?"</p>
+
+<p>The party assented, wondering what further surprise was to greet them.
+They entered a rear parlor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> on the first floor, where an excellent
+dinner was waiting them, got up at the expense of Mr. John Spout,
+Higholdboy of the Elephant Club.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus017.jpg" alt="dinner"  />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>A good dinner is an excellent ending for any thing&mdash;even a chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class='center'
+><a name="The_Elephantine_Den" id="The_Elephantine_Den"></a><img src="images/illus016.jpg" alt="the den"  /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class='center'>
+Off with his head so much.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Shakspeare.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p> <b>THE</b> Club now being organized, and the eager members anxious to
+
+begin at once their expeditions in search of the pachydermatous animal
+
+<span class="floatl"> <img src="images/illus018.jpg" alt="waiter" /></span>whose peculiar habits, in a state of metropolitan domesticity, were to
+
+be henceforth their care and study, it became necessary to fix upon some
+convenient place of rendezvous, at which they might convene to prepare
+
+for their excursions, and where they might reassemble, should any
+desperate chance divide their strength, and separate their numbers.
+After some dis<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span>cussion as to the most convenient locality, a room in
+Broadway was selected, as being less likely to attract attention if
+lighted up and showing signs of occupancy at an unseasonable hour; and
+as being easily accessible in case a member was compelled to evade
+the pursuit of an avenging M.P.; or should he be taken suddenly drunk,
+and stand in need of brotherly assistance. It was not on the first
+floor, lest it should be mistaken for a tavern; nor on the second, lest
+the uninvited public should stray up stairs, thinking it to be a
+billiard saloon; neither was it in the attic, as the gas didn't run so
+high; but on the third floor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> of an imposing building, a room was
+discovered, appropriate in dimensions, convenient in locality, and the
+rent of which was not so high but that its altitude was easily
+admeasured by a weekly V. It is not our present intention to designate
+the identical numeral which, in the directory, would point out the
+precise latitude of this mysterious apartment to the anxious inquirer.
+Suffice it to say that it was in the immediate vicinity of the public
+office of the man whose name is synonymous with that of the adolescent
+offspring of the bird whose unmelodious note once saved the imperial
+city from its fierce invaders, and that the occupation of this man of
+the ornithological appellation is to provide food and drink for hungry
+humanity. The relative situations of the club-room and this restaurant
+were such, that a plummet, dropped from the chair of the Higholdboy,
+would, if unimpeded by interposing floors, fall directly upon the
+private bottle of the amiable proprietor in the bar below.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus019.jpg" alt="policeman"  />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>By the timely suggestion of Mr. Remington Dropper, ingenious advantage
+was taken of the proximity of an establishment so praiseworthy, and so
+conducive to the common comfort. A wire was arranged, running from a
+point ever in reach of the chair of the august presiding officer, thence
+to a bell in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> the room beneath. A system of tintinabulatory signals was
+contrived, that the dispenser of good things, on the first floor, might
+be made to comprehend the wants of the thirsty individuals in the loft,
+without their coming down stairs. One jerk meant "brandy smashes" all
+round; two pulls signified "hot whisky punches, with plenty of lemon;" a
+prolonged jingle was to be immediately answered by an unlimited supply
+of ale, porter and pewter mugs; while a convulsive twitch, or a couple
+of spasmodic tugs, signified to the man in waiting, not only that the
+entire club was "over the bay," but that they wanted, on the instant,
+soda-water enough to float them in safety to the shore again.</p>
+
+<p>The furniture of this private elephantine den was simple, but necessary,
+made not for ornament, so much as contrived for use, and consisted of a
+long table, with an extra quantity of super-solid legs, in case the club
+should all take a freak to go to bed on it at once&mdash;two chairs for each
+member, one for the customary use, and the other for the accommodation
+of his feet, an upright piano-forte, a huge match-box, and a wash-tub
+for empty bottles. A journal was also provided, in which to inscribe the
+proceedings of each evening, and, by general agreement, it was made a
+standing order that no man should write<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> therein unless he was
+sufficiently sober to tell a gold pen from a boot jack.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus020.jpg" alt="poker"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The poker was chained to the grate, that it might not, in case of an
+unusual excitement, become a convenient instrument for the demolition of
+furniture, or the extinguishment of an offending member. For the same
+reason, the water-jug was tied to the door-knob, and the private tumbler
+of each member made fast to one of his chairs with an elastic band, so
+that, should he throw it at any one, he would not only miss the object
+of his unnoble aim, but the elasticity of the securing thong would cause
+it to recoil upon his own pate, with a force which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> would, probably,
+render him for the future less inclined to experiment in projectiles.
+Over the entrance-door, on the outside, was placed a toy elephant, two
+feet long, but four feet underneath, imported from Germany, at the
+unheard-of cost of ten dollars.</p>
+
+<p>The room being furnished, and the club ready to commence operations, it
+was deemed expedient to select an individual of superior physical
+strength to attend to the door, lest some intruding outsider might
+sometime interrupt the deliberations of the honorable quadrupedal order.
+Mr. Quackenbush elected himself to this dignified and honorable office,
+and, under the belief that his brawny arms were eminently suited to do
+duty in case of the irruption of sacrilegious outsiders upon the
+sanctified premises, all the other members acquiesced in his promotion.
+If any undesirable person presented himself for admission, he was to
+inform him of the secrecy of the convention. Should the outsider
+persevere, he was first to expostulate with him, and endeavor to
+persuade him to go peaceably away. If all milder means should prove
+unavailing, he was first to black both of his eyes with a pewter mug,
+taking care to do it impartially and symmetrically, that the
+discoloration of one optic should not in the least exceed that of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> the
+other; he was then mildly to knock him down with a chair, pitch him
+gently, head first, down both flights of stairs into the street, and
+then, having filled his boots full of gravel, and put a brick in his
+mouth, he was to leave him; but on no account was he to deal harshly
+with such offender, unless he chose to do so on his own responsibility,
+or was specially authorized by a unanimous vote of all the members
+awake, in which case he might act his own pleasure. He solemnly bound
+himself, in case he should at any time be overcome by fatigue, or any
+other potent cause, that he would go to sleep immediately before the
+threshold, in order to prevent any animated worldling from penetrating
+into the secret den, and spy out the mystic doings of the elephants,
+without forcing an entrance over his prostrate body.</p>
+
+<p>The arrangements being now complete, a solemn convocation of the
+honorable body was held, and a quadrupedal quorum being present, after a
+smoky and juicy deliberation of some seven hours, the Higholdboy, Mr.
+John Spout, unanimously <i>Resolved</i>:</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 2em;">1. That the club proceed to hunt the long-nosed animal.<br />
+
+2. In a body.<br />
+
+3. To-morrow night.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>To this series of resolutions each of the other members acceded. The
+result of this bold determination will be fully detailed in another
+chapter.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus021.jpg" alt="elephant"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class="center"> <a name="First_Discoveries_of_the_Club" id="First_Discoveries_of_the_Club"></a>
+<img src="images/illus022.jpg" alt="title"  /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p class='center'>
+"He who fights and runs away,<br />
+Will live&mdash;"</p>
+<p style="margin-left: 30em;">
+<span class="smcap">A. Nonymous.</span>
+</p>
+
+
+<p><b>PURSUANT</b> to the resolutions unanimously adopted on the evening before,
+the Elephant Club met to proceed, under the direction of some
+experienced hunter, to scrutinize their ponderous game. Being duly
+equipped with all the arms and ammunition required for an expedition of
+so perilous a nature, they sallied forth. They dragged no heavy,
+ponderous artillery, they wore no clanking swords, they rallied under no
+silken banner, and marched to no inspiriting music; but they tramped
+along, their only rallying-flag being a yellow handkerchief round the
+hat of Mr. Myndert Van Dam, who had thus protected his "Cady" from any
+injury from a sudden shower; their only martial music was the shrill
+pipe of Mr. James George Boggs, who whistled "Pop goes the Weasel," and
+for arms each one had a hickory cane, and in the breast<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> pocket of his
+overcoat, a single "pocket-pistol," loaded, but not dangerous. Mr.
+Remington Dropper had assumed the leadership, and was to conduct the
+party on their cruise.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus023.jpg" alt="man"  />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>They had proceeded but a short distance when Mr. Boggs called out to the
+party to observe the motions of a queer-looking character, who was
+approaching at a distance of a half block. He was stepping on the edge
+of the sidewalk with his gaze fixed upon the gutter, and in apparent
+unconsciousness of the existence of anything but himself.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> He was lank,
+lean, and sallow. His clothes were quite dilapidated, his beard and hair
+long. A smile on his face seemed to indicate his entire satisfaction
+with himself. He was a marked character, and after a moment's sight at
+the individual, inquiries were made of Mr. Boggs as to who he was.</p>
+
+<p>"That is more than I can say," was Boggs's response. "I have known him
+by sight for years, and he has always appeared the same. He belongs to a
+class of beings in New York, a few specimens of which are familiar to
+those who frequent the principal thoroughfares, and are known by the
+ornithological appellation of "gutter-snipes." I have often talked with
+him, but he knows nothing of his own history; or, if he does, chooses
+not to reveal it. He is a monomaniac, but perfectly harmless, and calls
+himself Nicholas Quail. I have learned from other sources a few facts of
+his history. He sleeps anywhere and everywhere, and eats in the same
+localities. Nobody ever harms him, all being familiar with his whims. As
+far as I can learn, he was formerly a raftsman. He has never in his life
+owned real estate enough to form the site for a hen-coop, nor timber
+sufficient to build it. His personal property could be crowded into a
+small pocket-handkerchief; but let him get four inches of whisky in him,
+and he fancies he has such boundless and illimitable wealth, that in
+comparison,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> the treasures of Aladdin, provided by the accommodating
+slave of the lamp, would be but small change. He walks about the streets
+viewing what he terms the improvements he is making; he gives all sorts
+of absurd directions to workmen as to how he desires the work to be
+done, much to their amusement. But here he is, now; if he is tight we'll
+have some sport."</p>
+
+<p>As the personage approached, Boggs accosted him, when the following
+dialogue took place.</p>
+
+<p>"So Nicholas," said Boggs, "you've come back, have you? How is the
+financial department at present?"</p>
+
+<p>Nick looked up and smiled.</p>
+
+<p>"The fact is," said he, "I've just been buying all the grain in
+Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana for $7 a bushel, and I am rather
+short for small change, but if you want a hundred thousand or so, just
+send a cart round to my office. Would you prefer having it in quarter
+eagles or twenty dollar pieces?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Nick, I don't care to borrow at present, but a boy says you've
+been drunk. How is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"What boy is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Your boy in your counting-room&mdash;the urchin who runs on errands for you,
+smokes your stubs, and pockets the small change."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Now, hadn't he ought to be ashamed of himself, the red-haired devil,
+for getting Old Nick into such a scrape by his drunken lies? Haven't I
+made him presents enough? It was only last week that I gave him a house
+in Thirty-second street, and a splendid mansion on the North River; and
+on the 4th of July he had fourteen thousand dollars, all in pennies, to
+buy fire-crackers and soda-water with; and yet he goes to you and lies,
+and says that I've been drunk. Don't you believe the lying cub; he's got
+a spite agin me, because last night I wouldn't give him the Erie
+Railroad to bet on poker; but I couldn't do it, General; I seen the
+cards was agin him; the other feller held four kings, and he hadn't
+nothin' in the world but three high-heeled jacks and a pair of fours."</p>
+
+<p>"I do believe you were drunk," said Boggs, "and if you ever get hauled
+up before the justice you will have to pay ten dollars, and if you have
+not that decimal amount handy, you had better entrust it to the boy's
+keeping, to have it ready in case of such an emergency."</p>
+
+<p>Nick felt in his pockets, and with a puzzled air remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"I haven't got the money here, but I'll give you a check on the Nassau
+Bank for a thousand, and you can give me the change; or I'll give you a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>
+deed of Stewart's, or a mortgage lien on the Astor House."</p>
+
+<p>"Shan't do it, shan't do it, Old Nick; and I'm afraid you'll have to go
+to Blackwell's Island, sure."</p>
+
+<p>"There's that infernal island again," said Nick; "if I'd ever thought it
+would come to this, I never'd have given that little piece of property
+to the city; but I'll buy it back next week, and use it hereafter for a
+cabbage garden; see if I don't."</p>
+
+<p>By this time the Elephants seemed to disposed to go, but Nick spied on
+the shirt-front of Mr. John Spout a diamond pin, which seemed to take
+his fancy. He offered in vain a block of stores in Pearl street, the
+Custom-House, the Assay-Office, the Metropolitan Hotel and
+three-quarters of the steamer Atlantic, and to throw into the bargain
+Staten Island and Brooklyn City; but it was no use, the party took their
+leave, and Nick was disconsolate.</p>
+
+<p>Passing up Broadway, their attention was attracted by one of those
+full-length basswood statues of impossible-looking men, holding an
+impracticable pistol in his hand, at an angle which never could be
+achieved by a live man with the usual allowance of bones, but which
+defiant figure was evidently intended to be suggestive of a
+shooting-gallery in the rear.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p><span class="floatl">
+<img src="images/illus024.jpg" alt="shop front"  />
+</span>Mr. John Spout, who was in a philosophic mood, remarked that it was a
+curious study to observe the various abortive efforts of aspiring
+carpenters to represent the human form divine, in the three-cornered
+wooden men, which stand for "pistol-galleries;" and the inexplicable
+Turks, the unheard of Scotchmen, and the Indians of every possible and
+impossible tribe, which are supposed to hint "tobacco and cigars."</p>
+
+<p>The ambitious carpenter first hews out a distorted caricature of a man,
+which he passes over to the painters to be embellished. By the time the
+figure has survived the last operation, it might certainly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> be
+worshipped without transgressing any scriptural injunction, for it
+certainly looks like nothing in "the heavens above, the earth below, or
+the waters under the earth." It is, however, an easy matter to
+distinguish the Highlanders from the Turks, by the fact, that the calves
+of their legs are larger around than their waists, and they are dressed
+in petticoats and plaid stockings; the Turks and Indians, however, being
+of the same color, might easily be confounded, were it not for the
+inexplicable circumstance that the former are always squatting down,
+while the latter are invariably standing up; they are all, however,
+remarkable for the unstable material of which their countenances are
+manufactured; after one has been exposed to the boys and the weather for
+about a fortnight, his nose will disappear, his lips come up a minus
+quantity, the top of his head be knocked off, and a minute's scrutiny
+will generally disclose the presence of innumerable gimlet-holes in his
+eyes. The boys, in their desire to comprehend perfectly the internal
+economy of these human libels, not unfrequently carry their anatomical
+investigations to the extent of cutting off a leg or two, and amputating
+one or more arms, or cutting out three or four ribs with a buck-saw or a
+broad-axe. Indeed, there is one unfortunate wooden Indian, of some
+fossil and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> unknown tribe, on exhibition in front of a snuff-shop in the
+Bowery, who has not only lost both legs, one arm, and his stomach, but
+has actually endured the amputation of the head and neck, and bears a
+staff stuck in the hole where his spine ought to be, and upon a flag is
+inscribed the heartless sentence, "Mrs. Miller's Fine Cut&mdash;for
+particulars inquire within."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. John Spout having concluded his explanatory remarks, the entire
+party went into the pistol-gallery before-mentioned, to have a crack at
+the iron man, with the pipe in his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>The nature of Mr. Quackenbush's profession, that of a teacher, was not
+such as would make him familiar with the use of fire-arms, and, in point
+of fact, he had about as good a notion of pistol-shooting as a
+stage-horse has of hunting wild bees; but he resolved to try his hand
+with the rest. When it came to his turn to try, he spilled the priming,
+and fired the hair-trigger instrument, accidentally, four times, to the
+imminent danger of the bystanders, before he could be taught to hold it
+so that it wouldn't go off before he got ready. He finally got a fair
+shot, and succeeded in breaking a window immediately behind him, after
+which he concluded he would not shoot any more.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>As the other side of the room was used for a bowling alley, the company
+proceeded to have a game of ten-pins; and here, again, Mr. Quackenbush
+distinguished himself. After dropping one ball on his toes, and allowing
+another to fall into a spittoon, he succeeded in getting one to roll
+down the alley; with his second ball, by some miraculous chance, he got
+a "ten-strike," knocking down, not only all the pins, but also the
+luckless youth who presided over the setting-up-department.</p>
+
+<p>Having refreshed themselves, the party once more regained Broadway, and
+consulted as to what place should be visited next.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout suggested that he would like to smoke. Nobody dissented except
+Mr. Dropper, who said he had read the day previous, in the morning
+papers, that a Turkish elephant had arrived in town, and was on
+exhibition on Broadway, above the Metropolitan Hotel. Thinking that a
+comparison instituted between the Turkish quadruped and the one which it
+was their particular office to study, might be of benefit to the members
+of the club, in their investigations, Mr. Dropper suggested that the
+smoking be dispensed with, until they should come into the presence of
+the oriental animal. Onward the zo&ouml;logical specialists sped their way,
+sometimes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> marching in Indian file, and sometimes arm-in-arm, running
+over little boys, dirty dogs, drygoods boxes, low awnings and area
+railings, until at last Mr. Dropper cried "Halt!" before the portals of
+the den wherein the mysterious elephant, which had arrived from
+Constantinople, was concealed. It became a question who should lead in
+making an entrance. Boggs was fearful, Van Dam was afraid, Spout was
+cautious, Quackenbush would a little rather not, but Dropper's courage
+failed not, and he walked boldly into the outer temple, followed by his
+timid associates. Here they discovered a long counter, and a glass
+show-case, in which were displayed queer shoes, quaint tooth-picks,
+funny pipes, and singular ornaments. A glass jar, filled with a
+rose-pink fluid was also on the counter. A tall gentleman with a
+ferocious moustache, and a diminutive red cap, without a front-piece,
+met them. Mr. Quackenbush's curiosity was in a single direction; he said
+he wanted to go through the harem. They finally entered into the rear
+apartment. Here their wondering eyes beheld a long room, well lighted
+with gas. In the centre was a small basin, in which goldfish were
+indulging in their accustomed aquatic sports. On either side were
+arranged wide divans, covered with red drapery and high pillows. Small<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span>
+stands were arranged in front of them. Various parties were seated with
+novel inventions before them, suggested by the minds of ingenious Turks,
+to accomplish the destruction of the tobacco crop. The members of the
+Elephant Club placed themselves on the divans, and after they had
+arranged themselves to their satisfaction, their oriental friend
+approached them, and gave to each a "programme" of Turkish delicacies.
+Mr. Spout inquired what a <i>nargill&ecirc;</i> was, and was informed that it was a
+water-pipe. Mr. Spout insisted that he preferred a pipe wherein fire,
+rather than water, was the element used. Mr. Boggs said he would take a
+<i>chibouk</i> on trial. Mr. Spout coincided, and called also for a
+<i>chibouk</i>. But Van Dam ordered three <i>nargill&ecirc;s</i>, one for himself,
+another for Dropper, and a third for Quackenbush. The <i>chibouks</i> were
+produced, and Boggs and Spout commenced smoking in earnest.</p>
+
+<p>In the mean time, the <i>nargill&ecirc;s</i> were produced for the other members of
+the club. Van Dam backed down at their first appearance. The glass vase,
+having in it water below and fire above, looked suspicious, and added to
+that was a mysterious length of hose, which was wound about in all
+directions, commencing at the fire, and running around the vase, about
+the table legs, over the chair, back through<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span>
+the rounds, about his legs, around his body, and finally came up over
+his shoulder, and terminated in a mouth-piece. Mr. Van Dam's first
+sensations, after these preliminaries had been arranged, were that he
+was in imminent danger of his life, and acting upon this impulse, he
+obstinately refused to go the <i>nargill&ecirc;</i>, remarking, that they might be
+harmless enough in the hands of the Turks, who knew how to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> use such
+fire-arms, but he thought prudence dictated that he should keep clear of
+such diabolical inventions.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus025.jpg" alt="smoking"  />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>Dropper and Quackenbush, however, had no fears, but their drafts on the
+fire, through the hose, were not honored with smoke. They exhausted the
+atmosphere in their mouths, but get a taste of smoke they could not,
+and, in despair, Mr. Quackenbush called in the proprietor for an
+explanation of the mysteries of fumigating <i>&agrave; la Turque</i>. In compliance
+with the request, the gentleman informed the amateur Turks that they
+must inhale the smoke. Dropper protested that he wouldn't make his lungs
+a stove-pipe to oblige anybody&mdash;even the sultan and his sultanas&mdash;and he
+accordingly dropped the hose, and ordered a <i>chibouk</i>. Quackenbush,
+however, made the effort, but a spasmodic coughing put an end to further
+attempts, and the result was that another <i>chibouk</i> was called for. Each
+member of the club began to feel himself sufficiently etherealized to
+aspire to a position in a Mahomedan heaven, where he could be surrounded
+by the spirits of numberless beautiful <i>houris</i>, when the attention of
+Mr. Spout was attracted to a young gentleman, seated on a divan, in the
+rear of the apartment.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus026.jpg" alt="newbie"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p>He was smoking a ponderous <i>chibouk</i>, and the cloudy volumes sent forth
+from his mouth hung about his form, quite obscuring him from sight.
+Occasionally, however, he would stop to breathe, which gave the members
+of the club an opportunity to survey his appearance. He was a young man
+of about twenty-two years, small in stature, with a pale, delicate skin,
+and light hair, plastered down by the barber's skill with exactness. He
+had no signs of beard or moustache. He was evidently making mighty
+efforts to become a Turk. He sat on the divan, with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> his legs drawn up
+under him, adopting the Turkish mode of inhaling the smoke, and he
+followed one inhalation by another with such fearful rapidity that the
+first impulse of the uninitiated would have been to cry out fire. But he
+evidently didn't sit easy, for after a few minutes, he pulled his legs
+out from under him and stretched them out at full length, to get out the
+wrinkles. The Turkish manner of sitting was, evidently, attended with
+physical inconveniences, for, after about a dozen experimental efforts,
+he gave it up, put his heels on the table, and laid himself back against
+the cushions. Still, however, he continued to smoke unremittingly (as if
+to make up in that what he lacked in ability to sit in the Turkish
+posture). But it was soon manifest that the young man was suffering. His
+face was deathly pale, and, dropping his <i>chibouk</i>, he called out for
+his oriental host. The gentleman in the red cap appeared, and the
+sufferer informed him that he "felt so bad," and he placed his hand on
+his stomach, denoting that as the particular seat of his difficulty. The
+benevolent Turk suggested exercise out of doors, and, as the elephant
+hunters were about going out, they offered to accompany him to his home.
+The offer was accepted, and the youth, sick in the cause of Turkey,
+left, supported by Dropper and Quackenbush.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A walk of a few squares relieved the young gentleman of the extremely
+unpleasant sensations, when he begged leave to express his thanks to the
+gentlemen for their kindness. He took occasion to inform them that his
+name was John I. Cake, late a resident of an interior town in Illinois,
+where his parents now reside. He was, at present, living in New York
+with an uncle, who was a banker in Wall-street, under whose tuition he
+was learning rapidly how to make inroads upon the plunder of his
+neighbors, without being in danger of finding his efforts rewarded with
+board and lodging at the expense of State. He had been educated at a
+country college, and knew nothing of city life, except what he had seen
+in Wall street.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout said that he was very happy to have met him, and inquired
+whether he would like to have an opportunity of seeing the elephant.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. John I. Cake said that nothing would please him better. Mr. Spout
+proceeded at once to inform him that the gentlemen who were present were
+members of an organization gotten up for that express purpose, and which
+was known among themselves as the Elephant Club; further he said to Mr.
+Cake, that if he desired to join, they would admi<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>nister the obligation
+to him that evening, and initiate him into the order.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Cake said by all means. At this time the party had reached the front
+of a church, in the shadow of which they stopped. Mr. Spout, as
+Higholdboy, announced that the Elephant Club was now organized. "Mr.
+Cake," said he, "step forward and receive the obligation."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Cake did step forward with a bold and determined step.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout continued: "Let your arm," said he, "hang in an easy position
+from the right shoulder. Now let the digits of your other hand point
+'over the left.' Now then, Mr. John I. Cake, late of the State of
+Illinois, but now encircled with, the moral atmosphere of Wall street,
+you do solemnly swear, by the sacred horn spoons, that you desire to
+become a member of the Elephant Club, that you are willing, on becoming
+a member, to do as you please, unless it pleases you to do something
+else; that you will never kick a big Irishman's dog, unless you think
+you are smart enough to thrash his master; that you will be just as
+honest as you think the times will economically allow; that you will,
+under no circumstances buy and smoke a 'penny grab,' so long as you have
+philanthropic friends who will give you Havanas.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> All of this you
+solemnly swear, so help you John Rogers."</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps," was the response of Mr. John I. Cake.</p>
+
+<p>"Having given the correct response," said the Higholdboy, "you are
+pronounced a member of the Elephant Club, when you shall have duly
+favored us with the initiative sit down."</p>
+
+<p>"Good!" said Mr. Cake, "where shall it be?"</p>
+
+<p>"Wherever good oysters are to be procured," said Mr. Dropper.</p>
+
+<p>"Here you are, then," remarked Quackenbush, as he pointed to a sign over
+a subterranean door-way, over which was inscribed the words,</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 15em;">
+"Here are the spot<br />
+Where good oysters is got."<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The club descended into the saloon, and Mr. Cake called for six half
+dozens on the half shell.</p>
+
+<p>Now, be it known to the readers of these records, that Mr. Cake was
+unacquainted with the perfection to which many departments of manual
+labor had reached, and being naturally of an inquiring turn of mind, he
+stayed outside to watch the feats of the young man who brandished the
+oyster-knife. This gentleman was an adept at his profession. With the
+most perfect grace of motion, he would lift the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>
+oyster in his left hand, lay its edge gently on a small iron standard,
+give that edge two delicate raps with the butt of the oyster-knife as a
+signal to the oyster that its turn had now come, when immediately the
+shells would open, the upper half would jump off and fall below, and the
+oyster would smile at the young man as he took the knife, and delicately
+stroked down its beard. All of this transpired in a very short period of
+time, which, with the artistic grace displayed by the professor, was
+sufficient to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> astound Mr. Cake. Indeed, he had entirely forgotten his
+companions in his admiration of conchological anatomy.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus027.jpg" alt="oysters"  />
+</p>
+
+<p>The oysters were placed before the gentlemen, and partaken of with a
+relish. But Mr. Cake had not seen enough to gratify his wishes. He
+ordered another dose all around, and again took his position outside to
+watch the operation of divesting the oysters of one half of their
+natural exterior protection. Without doubt, the young man's merits, at
+his particular vocation, were great; but Mr. Cake magnified them, in his
+intense admiration, most alarmingly. To him, it seemed as if each
+particular oyster was waiting for its turn to come, and only wanted a
+wink from the young man, when it would jump into his grasp, proud that
+it was permitted so soon to be sacrificed by such a hand. Mr. Cake was
+transfixed; he never moved his eyes until the second, third and fourth
+installment of shell-fish were served up.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Boggs then spoke about drinks. Johnny protested that he never drank
+anything that would intoxicate&mdash;in fact, he was an uncompromising
+teetotaller. Still, however, he had no objections to treating the crowd,
+as that would give him an opportunity to remain a few minutes more with
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> object of his admiration. He continued to watch the motions, whilst
+his friends were doing justice to the spirituous decoctions. At last Mr.
+Spout told Johnny that it was time to go. Johnny went to the bar, paid
+the bill, and, as the party regained the street, Johnny Cake said, with
+a sigh, that he only wished he were an oyster, that he, too, might be
+the willing victim of that young man's knife. But, inasmuch as he was
+not, it was his intention to gratify his desire to see the young man's
+manipulations by coming every night until he was satisfied.</p>
+
+<p>It is a fact which may be asserted, that Mr. Johnny Cake, as the members
+of the club had now learned to call him, with forty "oysters and the
+fixens" on board, did not walk with much apparent comfort.</p>
+
+<p>The club stopped to deliberate, but in the midst of their deliberations
+the City Hall bell sounded, and instantly commenced all that furious
+uproar peculiar to Gotham at the sound of an alarm of fire. A crowd of
+screaming men and boys came tearing along, dragging Engine No. 32&frac12;,
+which hung back and jumped about, as if determined not to go at any
+hazard. About half a block in advance of this crazy throng rushed a
+frantic man, with a red shirt and a tin trumpet. Each individual yelled
+as if the gene<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span>ral resurrection were at hand, and he under special
+obligations to wake up some particular friend. The rheumatic engine held
+back with all its power, and seemed, for the moment, endowed with a kind
+of obstinate vitality. Now it threw its wheel round a lamp-post, then it
+tumbled against the curb-stone, then it ran its tongue into an awning,
+then affectionately embraced with its projecting arms a crockery-wagon,
+and finally, with a kind of inanimate dogged determination not to go
+ahead, in turning a short corner, it leaped triumphantly astride a
+hydrant, where it stuck. The men tugged, but the engine held fast; the
+frantic man in the red shirt came tearing back; he had gone far enough
+ahead to see that 13&frac14;'s boys had got their stream on the fire, and he
+was furious at the delay. One mighty jerk, and the men and boys were
+piled in a huge kicking mass on the pavement, which phenomenon was
+occasioned by the unexpected breaking of the rope. The rope was tied,
+and by a united effort directed at the wheels, the brakes, the tongue,
+and every get-at-able point, the machine was again started, protesting,
+with creaks, and groans, and various portentous rumblings in its inner
+works, against the roughness of its treatment.</p>
+
+<p>The frantic red-shirt-man howled through his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> trumpet that Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small>
+was coming. The boys looked back, and Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> <i>was</i> coming. Hose
+24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> came alongside. Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> tried to go by. Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> was
+evidently striving to get to the fire in advance of her betters, but
+Hose 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> couldn't do it&mdash;for, at this interesting juncture, 32&frac12;'s
+fellows waked up to their work, and the race began. Single gentlemen got
+into door-ways, or crawled under carts; the ladies who were in the
+street at that time of night disappeared down oyster-cellars; the M.P.s
+probably went through the coal-holes, for not one was at that instant
+"visible to the naked eye." Stages, to get out of the way, turned down
+alleys so narrow that they had to be drawn out backwards; an
+express-wagon was run into, and wrecked on a pile of bricks; an early
+milk-cart was left high and dry on a mountain of oyster-shells; a
+belated hand-cart-man deserted his vehicle in the middle of the street,
+and it was instantly demolished, while the owner was only preserved from
+a similar fate by being knocked gently over a picket-fence into an area,
+where there couldn't anybody get at him. In the height and very fury of
+the race, the crowd rushed upon the Elephantines, who were gazing in
+fancied security at the mixed-up spectacle before them. In an instant
+they were all inextricably<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> entangled in the rush; those that escaped
+32&frac12; were caught up instantly by 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small>, and those who got away from
+24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small>, were seized upon by 32&frac12;. It was no use resisting&mdash;on they
+must go. The ponderosity of John Spout was no protection to him; nor did
+the lankness of Dusenbury Quackenbush, and the unreliable appearance of
+his legs, avail him anything. The quiet inoffensiveness of Van Dam was
+not respected; no regard was paid to the philosophical composure of Mr.
+Remington Dropper. The youthful face of Johnny Cake, too, availed
+nothing in his favor. Mr. Boggs became involved, and all were
+irretrievably mingled with the howling demi-devils who were racing for
+the miniature purgatory, the flames from which could now be plainly
+seen. It was "No. 1, round the corner," the residence of "My Uncle," and
+each one was anxious to redeem his individual effects without going
+through the formality of paying charges and giving up the tickets.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus028.jpg" alt="fight"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p>But their very anxiety was a serious bar to their rapid progress: and
+the two machines were jammed together by the zealous rivals. Hard words
+ensued, and a general row was the instant and legitimate result.
+Quackenbush was complimented with a lick over the head with a trumpet,
+in the hands of the frantic red-shirt-man, who accused him of locking
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span>
+tongue of 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> into 32&frac12;'s wheel. Dropper had his hat knocked over
+his eyes, and thereupon, his indignation being roused, he hit out, right
+and left. His first vigorous blow inflicted terrific damage upon the
+amiable countenance of his best friend, Mr. Van Dam, and the very first
+kick he gave upset Mr. John Spout upon the protruding stomach of a man
+who had been knocked down with a spanner. John quickly recovered
+himself, and hit Van Dam a clip in the sinister optic, which placed that
+useful member in a state of temporary total eclipse. The battle became
+general, and each man waged an indiscriminate war upon his neighbor.
+Between the affectionate thrashing they gave each other, and the
+indiscriminate kicks and punches they received from outsiders, the
+Elephantines were well pommelled. By the time 32&frac12; and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> 24<small><sup>3</sup>/<sub>8</sub></small> had got
+out of the muss, and were fairly on their way to the fire again, Mr.
+John Spout was the only one of that fraternal band visible on his feet.
+Dropper was doubled up across a hydrant, Van Dam was comfortably
+reposing on his back, in the middle of the street, while Quackenbush was
+sitting on him, trying to wipe the blood out of his eyes, and to
+ascertain, as nearly as possible, the number of teeth he had swallowed.
+But when the members came together to make mutual explanations, Johnny
+Cake was <i>non est</i>. Great, indeed, was the cry that was heard after the
+missing member. Quackenbush bellowed out, in a heavy, sonorous voice,
+that the difficulty was all past, when Johnny's shrill voice was heard
+in response. The voice proceeded from an empty molasses hogshead, into
+which Johnny had jumped, during the melee, for safety. His
+brother-members released him from his situation, and, when he was once
+more on Gotham's pavement, he was literally a sweet case. Dirty sugar
+adhered to every part of his exterior. Explanations were then made, and
+the members proceeded to shake hands all round, except Mr. Dropper, who
+couldn't shake hands with anybody, because some one had upset a bucket
+of tar on his fingers, and he couldn't get it off.</p>
+
+<p>The matter being at length arranged to the satis<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>faction of all
+concerned, they adjourned from the sidewalk to a beer-shop, where they
+washed their faces, pinned up the rents in their pantaloons, and got the
+jams out of their hats, as well as they could upon so short a notice.
+They then found their way to the club-room, held a council, and without
+a great deal of deliberation, it was resolved, every man for himself:</p>
+
+<p>That, to prevent the future possibility of all the members of the club
+having black eyes at the same time, the members would, from this time
+forth, pursue their investigations singly, or in pairs&mdash;the optical
+adornment of a single person being bearable, but for all the club to be
+simultaneously thus affected, was a phenomenon not down in the bills.</p>
+
+<p>The club then adjourned for convalescence.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class="center"> <a name="First_Evening_with_the_Club" id="First_Evening_with_the_Club"></a>
+<img src="images/illus029.jpg" alt="heading"  /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p class='center'>"Dogs bark."&mdash;<span class="smcap">Shakespeare.</span></p>
+
+
+<p><b>AS</b> soon as the members of the Elephant Club had recovered their normal
+appearance, each issued forth alone to catch further glimpses of the
+colossal quadruped of the metropolis. Each was assiduous in pursuing his
+investigations, and all manifested a spirit of self-denial worthy of
+martyrs in the cause of scientific research. The quantity of bad liquors
+they drank in forming new acquaintances, it were useless to estimate;
+the horrible cigars they smoked with those acquaintances are beyond
+computation, and yet they never flagged for a moment. After a few days,
+thus passed, the Higholdboy thought it time the club should hear the
+reports of its members. He, accordingly, put up on the bulletin a
+notice, stating that he expected the attendance of every member on a
+certain evening.</p>
+
+<p>The evening came, and with it came the members.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> The weather was
+sufficiently warm to admit of the windows being up, and a fine, cooling
+draught of air passed through the apartment. The gentlemen filled their
+pipes and proceeded to take it easy. Mr. Dropper hung himself upon two
+chairs; Boggs stretched himself upon a sofa; Van Dam took off his coat,
+rolled it up for a pillow, and laid himself out on the floor.
+Quackenbush put an easy-chair by the door, and seated himself there to
+act as sentinel. Mr. Spout, the Higholdboy, moved his official chair up
+to one of the windows, turned the back upon his fellow-members, seated
+himself, raised his feet to the window-casing, and said that, with his
+eyes looking out between the toes of his boots upon the tiles and
+chimney-pots, it could not be said he had seen any disorderly conduct,
+if the members should see fit to vary the monotony of the proceedings by
+getting up an extemporized row among themselves. Johnny Cake alone
+seemed aware that a necessity existed for the exhibition of proper
+dignity on the part of the meeting. He sat by the table proudly erect.
+His standing collar, neatly-tied cravat, and scrupulously clean
+exterior, corresponded with his prim deportment.</p>
+
+<p>It became a serious question who should open his budget of experience
+first. There was no rule to coerce a member to commence; consequently,
+ap<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>peals were made to the magnanimity of each other. These were
+irresistible, and all suddenly became willing and even anxious to make
+the beginning.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dropper, however, got the floor first. He insisted that he was not
+in the habit of appearing in large assemblies as a prominent participant
+in the proceedings, and, in consideration of this fact, he ventured to
+hope that his incipient efforts would not be judged of harshly.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dropper's spasmodic modesty excited the boisterous mirth of his
+fellow-members.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Remington Dropper commenced:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen of the Elephant Club," said he, "the subject which I have to
+present for your consideration this evening is a remarkable instance of
+the <i>genus homo</i> which I accidentally came across in my peregrinations a
+few evenings since. I was returning home from the theatre, and in
+passing a door-way in Broadway, I discovered a man seated on the stone
+step, with his form reclining against the door-casing. The gas-light
+shone directly in his face, which revealed to me the fact that he was
+asleep. The singularity of his personal appearance could not fail to
+attract my attention, and I stopped to study his form, features, and
+dress, to determine, if I could, who and what he was. His face had
+evidently been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> put up askew. The corner of his mouth, the eye and
+eyebrow on one side were inclined downward, giving him a demure and
+melancholy look; but on the other side they were inclined upwards, which
+made that side show a continued grin. A front view of his face was
+suggestive of both joy and melancholy, which was equal to no expression
+at all, as the expression on one side offset that of the other. His
+coat, which was buttoned tightly about him, was neither a dress nor a
+frock, but the skirts were rounded off in front, making it a compromise
+between the two. His pants were also a go-between; they were neither
+white nor black, but in point of color, were a pepper-and-salt
+formation. The leg on one side was rolled up. On one foot was a boot, on
+the other a shoe. He wore a very dirty collar, which, on the laughing
+side of his face was Byronic, and on the solemn side, uncompromisingly
+erect. His hat was an antiquated shanghae&mdash;black on the crown and light
+underneath the brim. If a noun, he was certainly a very uncommon, but
+not strictly a proper noun. If a verb, he seemed to be passive. The
+tense of his general appearance it would be difficult to determine.
+Strictly, it was neither past nor present, nor was it in accordance with
+my ideas of the future. To a certain extent it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> was all three. His seedy
+exterior was the remains of the past, existing in the present, and
+existing prospectively in the future. His mood was subjunctive, full of
+doubt and uncertainty. Judging from his entire appearance, I could come
+to no other conclusion as respects his character, than that he was a
+combination of ups and downs, a concentration of small differences, a
+specimen of non-committalism in everything except an entire abstinence
+from water used as a means of purifying his body externally, and his
+clothing. His red nose led me to suspect that he did not bathe with cold
+water to an alarming extent inwardly. The individual was remarkable, not
+for what he was, but for what he was not.</p>
+
+<p>"Such were my thoughts, gentlemen, and I determined to awake the
+unconscious sleeper, to see how far my conclusions were right. I shook
+him well, and accompanied my act with a peremptory order to 'get up.'
+After a moment he roused himself and looked at me, but immediately
+dropped his eyes. I commenced a dialogue with him, which, as near as I
+can recollect, was as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"'What are you doing here?' said I.</p>
+
+<p>"'Dun'no,' was the response.</p>
+
+<p>"'You're certainly quite drunk.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Likely.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'That is an offence against the law.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Des'say.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You've been arrested for drunkenness before.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Werry like. But I 'aven't been a doin' nuthin' helse.'</p>
+
+<p>"'But I've arrested you before,' said I, playing the policeman, in order
+to continue the conversation.</p>
+
+<p>"'Des'say, hofficer; but did I hoffer any resistance?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Your weight did.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Vas it wiolent?'</p>
+
+<p>"'You were too drunk to make any violent resistance.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Des'say; I honly inquired for hinformation.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What's your name?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Vich name do you vant to know?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Your whole name, of course.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Bobinger Thomas.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Where were you born, Thomas?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Hingland.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What is your business?'</p>
+
+<p>"'My perwession?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes.'</p>
+
+<p>"'It's warious. I never dabbled with law, physic, or diwinity.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'I asked you what your profession is&mdash;not what it isn't.'</p>
+
+<p>"'My perwession now, or vot it used to vos?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Your present profession, of course.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Vell&mdash;nuthin'.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, what was your profession in the past?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Vot do you vant to know for?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I shall answer no questions; but you must. Now tell me what your past
+profession was.'</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus030.jpg" alt="gogman"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"'Dogs.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Are you a dog-fancier?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Poss'bly; I fancies dogs.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What breed of dogs do you fancy?'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Them as I gets in Jersey.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What do you do with the dogs that you get there?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I vouldn't go into the business if I vos in your sitivation. It don't
+pay any more, 'cause there's so many coves as has inwested. I left
+'cause it vos hoverdid.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I hadn't the slightest intention of going into the business. I asked
+you for information.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Glad to 'ear you say so. I vos halmost hutterly ruined in it.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, what do you do with the dogs?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I doesn't follow the perwession no more.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I asked you what you did with the dogs you picked up in New Jersey.'</p>
+
+<p>"'They muzzles dogs now more than they did vonce.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Tell me what you did with the dogs.'</p>
+
+<p>"'If you nab a cove for gettin' drunk vot do they do vith 'im?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Are you going to answer my question?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Vill they let me off if I tell vere I got the liquor?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Look here, Thomas, answer my question.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Vot do they do vith the coves as sells?'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'I shan't trifle with you any longer. If you don't tell me what you do
+with the dogs, I shall enter a charge of vagrancy against you.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Vell, I didn't sell 'em for sassengers.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What did you sell them for?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I didn't sell 'em.'</p>
+
+<p>"'How did you dispose of them?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Is old Keene varden of the penitentiary now?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Tell me, now, what you did with the dogs.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I took 'em to the dog pound.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What did you do with them there?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Vy, doesn't they muzzle cats the same as dogs?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Look here, Thomas, you must answer my question without equivocation. I
+want to understand the details of this dog-business. What did you do
+with them at the dog-pound?'</p>
+
+<p>"'For hevery dog as ve takes to the pound ve gets an 'arf a slum.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Then it seems you caught your dogs in New Jersey, brought them to the
+New York dog-pound, and claimed for your philanthropic exertions the
+reward of a half a dollar, offered by ordinance for every dog caught
+within the limits of New York?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Vell, if you'd been born into the perwession, you couldn't have
+understood its vays better.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'You are a sweet subject, certainly.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Des'say.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Are you not ashamed of yourself, to be found lying drunk in
+door-ways?'</p>
+
+<p>"'B'lieve so.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Are you not certain you are?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Prob'bly.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Did you drink liquor to-night?'</p>
+
+<p>"'P'r'aps.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Where did you get it?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Dun'no.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What kind was it?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I halvays 'ad a passion for gin.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Was it gin you drank to-night?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Des'say.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Are you not sure that it was?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Mebbee.'</p>
+
+<p>"'How often do you drink?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Honly ven I've got the blunt to pay. Dutchmen vont trust now.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Did you have any money to-night?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Likely.'</p>
+
+<p>"'How did you get it?'</p>
+
+<p>"''Oldin' an 'orse for a cove.'</p>
+
+<p>"'How much did you get for that?'</p>
+
+<p>"'A shillin.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'With that you bought gin?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Prob'bly.'</p>
+
+<p>"'And got drunk?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Poss'bly.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Thomas, where do you live?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Noveres, in p'tickler.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Where do you eat?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Vere the wittles is.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Where do you sleep?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Anyveres, so that the M.P.s can't nab me.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You ought to be sent to Blackwell's Island as a vagrant.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Des'say.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You've been there, have you not?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Mebbee.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Don't you know whether you've been there or not?'</p>
+
+<p>"'P'r'aps.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Are you certain of anything?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Dun'no.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Now, Thomas,' said I, in conclusion, 'I am going to let you off this
+time, but I hope you will keep sober in the future. Now, here is a
+quarter for you, to pay for your lodging to-night.'</p>
+
+<p>"Thomas, the non-committalist, accepted the silver.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I concluded to ask him one more question, in hopes to get a direct and
+positive answer.</p>
+
+<p>"'Will you use that money to pay for a bed?' I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"'Des'say,' said he, upon which I vamosed."</p>
+
+<p>The Higholdboy raised himself from his official seat before the window,
+turned round, got on his knees in the chair, leaned his head on his
+hands and his arms on the chair-back, and whilst everybody was still and
+quiet, he called out, in a stentorian voice, "Order." The effect of this
+peremptory demand was to induce considerable disorder, as no one was
+willing to be regarded out of order, even by implication, without some
+foundation. Everybody talked and nobody listened, except Mr. Dropper,
+and it was not until Mr. Quackenbush had stuffed a ham sandwich down the
+throat of the Higholdboy, thrown a box of sardines at the head of Van
+Dam, tipped over the timid Boggs, and poured a lemonade down the throat
+of Johnny Cake, that they would consent to hear what he desired to say.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said Quackenbush, "that's a remarkably fine story, isn't
+it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Des'say," said Spout.</p>
+
+<p>"Werry like," responded Van Dam.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Mebbee," replied Johnny Cake.</p>
+
+<p>"Likely," remarked Boggs, as he picked himself up, preparatory to
+letting himself down in three chairs.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout left his chair, and moved to that particular locality in the
+apartment where the bell-pull, leading to the bar below, was situated.
+He gave sundry pulls in accordance with the previously-arranged system
+of telegraphing, and in a few minutes they were answered by a young
+gentleman, with a tin waiter in his hands, on which were placed divers
+decoctions, which stand in better repute outside of total abstinence
+societies than inside. Each took his mixture until it came to Johnny
+Cake, when the Higholdboy passed over to him a mild beverage, called a
+port wine sangaree. Johnny refused to accept it, and announced that he
+was strict in his adherence to principle&mdash;that he never indulged in
+anything which could intoxicate. A lemonade he would indulge in
+sometimes, but a port wine sangaree&mdash;never&mdash;<i>never</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">NEVER</span>.</p>
+
+<p>When Johnny Cake had finished his indignant repudiation of the port wine
+sangaree amid the cheering of his fellow members, Mr. James George Boggs
+arose. He mounted a chair, and made an effort to speak. He was greeted
+with loud applause.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>As soon as these manifestations had subsided, he said:</p>
+
+<p>"Fellow-citizens (applause); I may say that it is with feelings of the
+most profound gratification (loud applause), that I meet, this evening,
+the members of the illustrious Elephant Club (continued applause), of
+which I am an unpretending and obscure member (renewed applause).
+Gentlemen, I do not like to appear as an apologist, and much less an
+apologist for my own shortcomings (loud and continued applause).
+Gentlemen, I protest against your unwarranted interference when I am
+trying to be funny (applause and cheers). I am a modest man, and I am
+unwilling to stand here to be fooled with (enthusiastic applause); Mr.
+Dropper, if you don't shut up your mouth, I'll knock your moustache down
+your throat (tremendous applause). Mr. Spout, you are the Higholdboy of
+this club, but I'll hit you with a brick if you don't keep better order.
+(Cries of "Order!" "Order!") If you'll stop your blasted noise, there
+will be no trouble about order. (Cries of "Go on!") Well, gentlemen, as
+I was saying that&mdash;that&mdash;that&mdash;where the devil did I leave off?
+(Applause and laughter.) There, you see that you have broken the thread
+of my remarks. (Cries of "Good!") Yes, it may be fun for you, but,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> as
+the boy said to the frogs, it's death to me (laughter). No, I mean as
+the Death said to the boys, it's frogs to&mdash;(renewed laughter). Go to
+thunder! I am not going to make speeches to such a set a young rascals
+as you are." (More applause.)</p>
+
+<p>As soon as order had restored itself, the Higholdboy ordered, at his own
+expense, a glass of apple-jack for Mr. Boggs, with the view of
+expressing, through it, his full and thorough appreciation of Boggs's
+oratory. Mr. Boggs accepted it. Inquiry was then made of Mr. Boggs as to
+what he had desired to say in his speech. He stated substantially, that,
+having been engaged in loafing about, and doing nothing, he had had no
+time to prepare a contribution for the entertainment of the club.</p>
+
+<p>So completely had the eloquence of Mr. Boggs riveted the attention of
+the club, that they had hardly made a commencement in disposing of the
+beverages which had been ordered; Mr. Dropper proposed that, as Johnny
+Cake was not to be employed in drinking, he having ignored the proffered
+port wine sangaree, he should occupy their time by relating his
+experience. To this he expressed his willingness to accede. He stated,
+however, that he had been on a flying visit to Illinois since his
+initiation into the Elephantine order, and that he was consequently
+unable to furnish<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> them with any experience of an interesting nature, in
+New York. But some interesting incidents had occurred on a railroad
+train, which he had undertaken to note down, with the view of reading to
+the club.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Johnny Cake here produced a roll of manuscripts, which, after he had
+straightened up his collar, he proceeded to read. The manuscript read as
+follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I do not propose, now, to give you a glimpse of anything within the
+city. In fact, it is my intention to inflict upon you an
+extra-metropolitan scene, which I recently witnessed, and which, though
+funny, was not comfortable, and I don't care about experiencing it
+again."</p>
+
+<p>The section of country to which your attention is called was
+flat&mdash;positively flat&mdash;comparatively stale, and superlatively
+unprofitable. It was a western prairie marsh, the home of gigantic
+frogs, the abiding place of water-snakes and musk-rats; where flourished
+in luxuriant profusion, bulrushes, water-cresses, pond-lilies, and such
+like amphibious and un-get-at-able vegetables. Through that particular
+locality a train of cars was not only seen, but heard going at 2'40"
+speed over a pile-bridge, made across a Michigan swamp, by driving
+black-oak logs end-wise into the mud. The people therein were covered
+with dust, as thickly as if each man had been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> a locomoting Pompeii,
+each woman a perambulating Herculaneum, and some vagrant Vesuvius had
+been showering ashes on them all for a month. They were lying about
+loose in the cars, after the ordinary fashion of people on a tedious
+railway journey; curled up in some such ungraceful and uneasy positions
+as the tired beasts of a strolling menagerie probably assume in their
+cages during their forced marches across the country. To carry out the
+parallel, the conductor came along at irregular intervals, and with
+deliberate and premeditated malignity, stirred up the passengers, as if
+they were actually animals on exhibition, and he really was their
+keeper, and wanted to make them growl. And this conductor, in common
+with conductors in general, deserves notice for the diabolical ingenuity
+which he displayed in forcing from his helpless victims the greatest
+number of growls in a limited space of time.</p>
+
+<p>The cars had just left the flourishing prairie city of Scraggville,
+which contains seven houses and a tavern, and a ten-acre lot for a
+church, in the centre of which the minister holds forth now from a cedar
+stump. At the tavern, dinner had been served up, and the conductor,
+according to the usual custom, had started the train as soon, without
+waiting for his passengers to eat anything, as the money was collected.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>
+The population of our train, which exceeded that of the great city of
+Scraggville by about one hundred and seventy persons, had composed
+itself for a short nap, and the various individuals had settled as
+nearly into their old places as possible, when a man, remarkable for a
+particularly lofty shirt-collar, a wooden leg, and an unusual quantity
+of dust on the bridge of his nose, began to sing. He commenced that
+touching ballad, now so popular, "the affecting history of Vilikins and
+his Dinah." The pathos of his words, added to the unusual power of his
+voice, waked up his right-hand neighbor, before he had proceeded any
+further than to inform the listeners that,</p>
+
+<p>
+"Vilikins vas a-valking"&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>This neighbor who was so suddenly aroused, and who was distinguished by
+a steeple-crowned hat, did not appear to care <i>where</i> Vilikins was
+a-walking, or to take much interest in the particulars of the said walk,
+for he immediately turned on the other side, tied himself up in a worse
+knot than he was in before, and attempted to sleep again. He had in so
+doing shaken from the top of his mountainous hat about half a peck of
+cinders, directly into the mouth of the vocalist. The latter gentleman,
+however, seemed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> nothing disconcerted by this unexpected pulverulent
+donation, but, removing those particles which most interfered with his
+vocal apparatus, he proceeded with his melody. This time he progressed
+as far as to state emphatically that,</p>
+
+<p>
+"Vilikins vas a-valkin' in his garding one day,"<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>And was about to add the explanatory notes, that it was the "back
+garding," when his left-hand neighbor emerged from a condition of
+somnolency into a state of unusual wakefulness.</p>
+
+<p>The most noticeable thing about this last named individual was the
+optical fact that he had but one eye. And as this solitary orb was
+partially filled with the dust which had accumulated therein, during a
+ten hours' nap in a rail-car, over a sandy road, with a headwind, it
+might be supposed that his facilities for visual observation were
+somewhat abridged. This did not prove, however, to be the case, for with
+a single glance of this encumbered optic, he seemed to take in the
+character of the singer, and to make up his mind instanter that he was a
+good fellow and a man to be acquainted with.</p>
+
+<p>Acting promptly upon this extemporaneous opinion, he held out his hand
+with the remark:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I don't want to interfere with any arrangements you have made,
+stranger, but here's my hand, and my name's Wagstaff&mdash;let's be jolly."</p>
+
+<p>The singer had by this time got to the chorus of his song, and although
+he took the extended hand, his only immediate reply to the observations
+of one-eyed Wagstaff, was "too ral li, too ral li, too ral li la," which
+he repeated with an extra shake on the last "la," before he condescended
+to answer. And even then his observation, though poetic, was not
+particularly coherent or relevant. It was couched in the following
+language.</p>
+
+<p>"Jolly? yes, we'll be jolly. Old King Cole was a jolly old soul, and a
+jolly old soul was he. He called for his pipe and he called for his
+bowl&mdash;wonder if he got it? My name is Dennis, my mother's maiden name
+was Moore, so that if I'd been born before she married, I'd have been a
+poet, which I'm sorry to say, don't think it, for I ain't. I'm glad to
+see you, Mr. Wagstaff, and as you say <i>you're</i> jolly, and propose that
+we shall <i>all</i> be jolly, perhaps you'll favor me by coming out strong on
+the second and fourth lines of this chorus.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll do my little utmost," said Wagstaff.</p>
+
+<p>And he <i>did</i> do his little utmost with a will, and their united voices
+croaked up again the first man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span>
+with the steeple-crowned hat, who hadn't got his eyes fairly opened
+before <i>he</i> joined in the chorus too, and he gave his particular
+attention to it, and put in so many unexpected cadenzas and quavers
+which the composer never intended, and shakes that nobody else <i>could</i>
+put in, and trills that his companions couldn't keep up with, that he
+fairly astonished his hearers. And he didn't stop when they did, but
+kept singing "tooral li tooral," with unprecedented variations, and
+wouldn't hold up for Dennis to sing the verses, and wouldn't wait for
+Wagstaff to take breath; but kept right on, now putting a long shake on
+"tooral," now an unheard of trill on "looral,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> now coming out with
+redoubled force on the final "la," and then starting off again, as if
+his voice had run away with him and he didn't want to stop it, but was
+going to sing a perpetual chorus of unceasing "toorals" and never ending
+"loorals."</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus031.jpg" alt="music"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p>For fifteen minutes his harmony was allowed uninterrupted progress, but
+at length Wagstaff, putting his hand over his mouth, thereby smothering,
+in its infancy, a strain of extraordinary power, addressed him thus:</p>
+
+<p>"I don't want to interfere with any of your little arrangements,
+stranger, but, if you don't stop that noise, I'll knock your head off.
+What do you mean by intruding your music upon other people's music, and
+thus mixing the breed? Don't you try to swallow my fist, you can't
+digest it."</p>
+
+<p>The latter part of this address was called forth by the frantic efforts
+of the unknown amateur to get his mouth away from behind Wagstaff's
+hand, which he at length accomplished, and when he had recovered his
+breath he made an effort to speak. The musical fiend, however, had got
+too strong possession of him to give up on so short a notice, and he was
+unable to speak more than ten words without introducing another touch of
+the magical chorus. The address with which he first favored his
+compa<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>nions ran something after the following fashion and sounded as if
+he might have been the identical Vilikins, unexpectedly recovered from
+the effects of the "cup of cold pison," or prematurely resurrected from
+the "same grave," wherein he had been disposed by the "cruel parient" by
+the side of the lamented "Dinah."</p>
+
+<p>"My friends, don't interrupt the concert&mdash;too ral li, too ral li, too
+ral li la. I'll explain presently&mdash;with a too ral li, too ral li, too
+ral li la. I'm delighted to meet you&mdash;allow me to introduce myself&mdash;ral
+li la&mdash;I am a professional&mdash;loo ral li, loo ral li&mdash;man&mdash;ral li la&mdash;my
+name is Moses Overdale&mdash;with my loo ral li, loo ral li, loo ral li la."</p>
+
+<p>Here he stopped, evidently by a violent exertion, and shook hands with
+each of the others, and afforded such a view of his personal appearance
+as satisfied the individual of the solitary optic, and his companion of
+the vegetable leg, that they had fallen in with another original&mdash;added
+to the fact, with which they were already well acquainted, that he had a
+powerful, though not very controllable voice. Other things about the
+newly-discovered person showed him to be a man far above, or below, or,
+at least, differing from, the common run of people one meets in a
+railroad-car. His face, had it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> been visible to the naked eye, through
+the surrounding thicket of hair, might have passed for good-looking; but
+the hirsute crop which flourished about his head was something really
+remarkable. If each hair had possessed as many roots as a scrub oak
+sapling, and had grown the wrong way, with the roots out, there couldn't
+have been more; or if each individual hair had been grafted with a score
+of thrifty shoots, and each of them, in turn, had given off a multitude
+of sandy-colored sprouts, and each separate sprout had taken an
+unconquerable aversion to every other sprout, and was striving to grow
+in an independent direction of its own, there wouldn't have been a more
+abundant display of hair, growing towards a greater variety of hitherto
+unknown points of compass. It was so long that it concealed his neck and
+shoulders, and you could only suppose he had a throat from the certainty
+that he had a mouth. And even the mouth was in its turn ornamented with
+an overhanging moustache, of a subdued rat-color, which also was long,
+running down the corners of the jaw, and joining the rest of the beard
+on the neck below. A shirt-collar, turned down over his coat, was dimly
+visible whenever the wind was strong enough to lift the superincumbent
+hair.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Taking into account the physical curtailments of Overdale's companions,
+the trio consisted of about two men and a half.</p>
+
+<p>Dennis now proposed that they should go on with the song, he
+volunteering to sing the verses, and requesting the reinforcements to
+show their strength when he said, "<i>Chorius</i>"&mdash;the mention of music
+excited Overdale's harmonic devil again, and he was obliged to twist his
+neckerchief until he was black in the face, to choke down an embryo,
+"tooral," which ran to his lips before the cue came, and seemed to
+insist upon an immediate and stormy exit; by dint of the most
+suffocating exertions he succeeded in keeping back the musical torrent
+until the end of the verse, when it broke forth with a vengeance.</p>
+
+<p>And then Wagstaff struck in, and Dennis took a long breath, and <i>he</i>
+struck in; and they waked up a couple of children, and <i>they</i> struck in;
+and Dennis put his wooden leg on the tail of a dog, and <i>he</i> struck in;
+and the locomotive put on the final touch, by shrieking with a frightful
+yell, as if it had boiled down into one, the squalls of eleven hundred
+freshly-spanked babies.</p>
+
+<p>And they kept on, Dennis singing, in a masterly manner, the historical
+part; the charms of Dinah<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> the barbarity of the cruel parient, the
+despair of Vilikins, the death and burial of the unfortunate "lovyers,"
+their subsequent ghastly reappearance to the cruel parient, and his
+final remorse, had all been related; the "chorus of tender maidens" had
+been pathetically sung by the musical trio; the "chorus of cruel and
+unnatural parients," had been indignantly disposed of; the "chorus of
+pisoned young women," had been spasmodically executed: the "chorus of
+agonized young men, with an awful pain in the stummack," had been
+convulsively performed; the "chorus of cold corpuses," had been
+sepulchrally consummated; and the musical enthusiasts were laying out
+their most lugubrious strength on the "concluding dismal chorus of
+gloomy apparitions," when the concert was interrupted by the train
+running off the track and pitching a part of the passengers into a
+sand-bank on the right, throwing the remainder into frog-pond on the
+left, and gently depositing the engineer on a brush heap, where he was
+afterwards discovered with the bell-rope in his hand, and his legs
+covered up by the smoke-pipe.</p>
+
+<p>It was soon ascertained that no very serious damage was done, beyond the
+demolition of the engine, which had left the rail without cause or
+provocation, and was now lying by the side of the road<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> with its head in
+the mud, wrong end to, bottom side up, roasting itself brown, steaming
+itself yellow, and smoking itself black, like an insane cooking-stove
+turned out-doors for misbehavior.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus032.jpg" alt="train"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Overdale got out of the sand without assistance, and, save a black eye,
+and a peck or two of sand and gravel in his hair, was none the worse for
+the accident. Wagstaff crawled out of the frog pond, looking as dripping
+and juicy as a he-mermaid; while Dennis, though unconscious of any
+painful hurt, had sustained so serious a fracture of his wooden leg,
+that he found it necessary to splice it with an ironwood sapling before
+he could navigate.</p>
+
+<p>It being discovered that the danger was over, and that there was nothing
+more to fear, the ladies, as in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> duty bound, began to faint; one old
+lady fainted, and fell near the engine; happening, however, to sit down
+in a puddle of hot water, she got up quicker than she went down; young
+lady, rather pretty, fainted and fell into the arms of four or five
+gentlemen who were waiting to receive her; another young lady fainted,
+and didn't fall into anybody's arms, being cross-eyed and having a wart
+on her nose; maiden lady, ancient and fat, got near a good-looking man
+with a big moustache, and giving notice of her intention by a
+premonitory squall, shut her eyes, and fell towards moustache; she had
+better, however, have kept her eyes open, for moustache, seeing her
+coming, and making a hasty estimate of her probable weight, stepped
+aside, and the gentle creature landed in a clump of Canada thistles,
+whence she speedily recovered herself, and looked fiery indignation at
+moustache, who bore it like a martyr; young lady in pantalets and curls
+tried it, but, being inexperienced, and not having taken the precaution
+to pick out a soft place to fall, in case there didn't anybody catch
+her, she bumped her head on a stone, and got up with a black eye;
+jealous married lady, seeing her husband endeavoring to resuscitate a
+plump-looking miss, immediately extemporized a faint herself, and fell
+directly across the young miss aforesaid,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> contriving as she descended,
+to break her husband's spectacles by a malicious dig with her elbow; in
+fact the ladies all fainted at least once apiece, and those who received
+the most attention had an extra spasm or two before their final
+recovery, while the vicious old maids whom nobody cared for, invariably
+fell near the best-looking girls, and went into furious convulsions, so
+that they could kick them in the tender places without its being
+suspected that their intentions were not honorable.</p>
+
+<p>During this characteristic female performance, our musical trio had not
+been idle. Dennis had been busily engaged in splicing his wooden leg.
+Wagstaff had seized a bucket from the disabled engine, and nearly
+drowned three or four unfortunate females with dirty water from the
+frog-pond. Overdale was attracted to the side of a blue-eyed girl, who
+had swooned in a clean place, behind a concealing blackberry bush, and
+he had rubbed the skin off her hands in his benevolent exertions to
+"bring her to," and had meanwhile liberally peppered her face and neck
+with gravel-stones and sand, from the stock which had accumulated in his
+hair when he was first pitched into the sand-bank.</p>
+
+<p>Everybody was eventually convalescent, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> likely to recover from the
+damage which nobody had sustained; the gentlemen had repented of the
+prayers which they had not said, and were now swearing ferociously about
+their fractured pocket-companions, and their broken cigars; and the
+ladies were regaling each other with multitudinous accounts of
+miraculous escapes from the horrible accidents which might have killed
+everybody, but hadn't hurt anybody. Another engine was sent for, and the
+cars ran to the end of the railroad, seventy miles, before the women
+stopped talking, or the men got anything to drink.</p>
+
+<p>The musical trio, whose united chorus had been so suddenly interrupted,
+met at the bar of the nearest tavern for the first time since the run
+off; their greeting was peculiar, but characteristic; when they came in
+sight of each other, they didn't speak a word, until they solemnly
+joined hands and finished the "too ral li la," which they hadn't had the
+leisure to complete at the time of their sudden separation. Overdale,
+true to his ruling passion, wouldn't stop when the others did, but was
+going on with an extra "tooral li, looral li," when Wagstaff presented a
+glass of strong brandy and water at him; the plan succeeded; he stopped
+in the midst of a most aston<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>ishing shake on the first "looral," and
+merely remarking, "To be continued," he yielded, a passive captive to
+the fluid conqueror.</p>
+
+<p>Subsequent conversations disclosed their future plans, and it was
+discovered that they were all journeying to the same place, New York
+city; and that their several visits had one common object, to see the
+mysteries of the town. An agreement, which I overheard, was quickly
+made, that they should remain together, and pursue, in company, their
+investigations.</p>
+
+<p>They proceeded harmoniously on their journey, singing "Vilikins" between
+meals every day; and when Overdale couldn't stop in the chorus at the
+the proper time, Wagstaff corked him up with a corn-cob, which he
+carried in his pocket for that purpose.</p>
+
+<p>It so happened that I continued on the same trains of cars with this
+interesting trio of eccentricities, until we took the steamboat at the
+Dutch village, where the State Legislature meets. After the last verse
+of their customary evening hymn had been sung, with a strong chorus, as
+they were about to shelve themselves in their state-rooms for the night,
+I heard Overdale remark to his companions:</p>
+
+<p>"When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or&mdash;well, no
+matter where. Dennis, you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> see this black eye; I have to make this
+particular request, that if this steamboat blows up in the night, and
+you take a fancy to black anybody's eye, you'll pick out somebody's
+else."</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't black your eye; what do you mean?"</p>
+
+<p>Overdale explained thus: "I could a tale unfold, which would&mdash;but I
+won't&mdash;I'll tell you how it happened, nothing extenuate or set down
+aught in malice. When that locomotive ran off the track, the shock threw
+us both, as you are aware, about fifteen feet straight up in the air&mdash;as
+I was going up, you were coming down, and you were practising some kind
+of an original pigeon-wing with your wooden leg, and, in one of its
+fantastic gyrations, it came in contact with my visual apparatus, and
+damaged my personal beauty to the extent you see;&mdash;don't do it any more,
+that's all, my friend, don't do it any more."</p>
+
+<p>Dennis expressed himself exceedingly sorry&mdash;"Overdale, my hairy friend,"
+said he, "at the particular time you speak of, that leg was not under my
+control, and I am not accountable for the misbehavior of that leg; but I
+solemnly promise that, if we <i>are</i> blown up before morning, if I see
+which way you go, I will do my best to travel in a different
+direction."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Each of us, myself included, then went to his state-room, achieved his
+allotted shelf, rolled himself into so small a ball that the narrow
+blankets would cover him, and laid in feverish restlessness, awaiting
+that morning bell which should summon him to disperse himself into his
+pantaloons, go on deck, and catch the first glimpse of smoky Gotham, the
+home of the undiluted elephant.</p>
+
+<p>"Hooror for Johnny," said Mr. Spout, as he rushed towards that
+individual to offer his congratulations. The other members followed
+suit, and Johnny, anticipating that he would be favored with a bear-like
+hug, more boisterous than pleasant, unless he acted promptly to prevent
+such a consummation, ran into one corner, squared off, and threatened to
+show an immoderate pugnacity, if they made any immoderate demonstrations
+of fraternal affection. The language and action of Johnny had the effect
+to check the enthusiasm of his friends, and they resumed their places.
+Johnny then came out, and made a peremptory demand of Mr. Spout that he
+telegraph to the saloon below for a lemonade for his (Johnny's) private
+consumption. Mr. Spout announced the impossibility of acceding to
+Johnny's demand, as there had been no signal agreed upon which should
+indicate to the individual below that a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> lemonade was wanted. Johnny
+said that he could not hold Mr. Spout to a strict accountability on that
+occasion, but if he did not arrange a signal to indicate his future
+wants, he should proceed to expel Mr. Spout from the club. Under
+existing circumstances, he should go down below and order personally a
+strong lemonade, to be made of considerable lemon, some sugar, and a
+good deal of water. Johnny disappeared through the door. He had been
+gone three minutes, by Quackenbush's bull's-eye silver watch, which he
+says keeps excellent time as long as he hires a boy to move the
+balance-wheel, when the Higholdboy arose, and proposed "The health of
+the Elephant&mdash;may his shadow never be less," which was to be drunk in
+silence, standing. All the members had assumed an erect position,
+required for the performance of this imposing ceremony, when a yell of
+such prodigious dimensions, entitling it to be called a roar, followed
+by a most extraordinary clattering outside the door, as of three persons
+trying to ascend abreast a flight of stairs only wide enough for one,
+and quarrelling about the precedence, and in the intervals of their
+emphatic remarks to each other uttering cries of exultant triumph, as if
+they had made some long-sought discovery, suddenly petrified the various
+members into flesh and blood statues<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span>
+with breeches on, and mouths open. Not long, however, did they remain
+thus inactive, for a mighty rush from the outside carried the door from
+its hinges, knocked Mr. Quackenbush, the stalwart guardian of the
+portal, into a far corner of the room, and disclosed to the astonished
+gaze of the assembled Elephantines, the forms of three individuals, to
+them unknown. The action of the Higholdboy, who first recovered his
+senses and his presence of mind, is worthy of remembrance. Keeping both
+eyes fixed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>
+upon one of the intruders, he deliberately drank the
+contents of his tumbler, and then, taking a cool aim, he threw the
+glass-ware at him. This act of the Higholdboy was regarded as an
+announcement, by implication, that crockery and glass-ware could be used
+on the present occasion offensively, and accordingly the other members
+followed the example of their chief. For a few minutes the destruction
+of property was great, and the more so, as, whenever a tumbler, plate,
+bottle, or any other similar missile fell to the floor unfractured, one
+of the three intruding parties would stamp on it with one of his feet,
+and pulverize it instanter. When the crockery was all disposed of, the
+assault was renewed with lemons, crackers, bologna sausages, and
+whatever projectiles remained, and the chairs and tables would have
+undoubtedly followed suit, had not the precaution previously taken, of
+chaining them up, precluded the possibility of their being used for this
+purpose. The result of this peculiar reception of the intruding parties
+was the temporary demolition of one, who had been hit over the head with
+the lemon-squeezer, and knocked down in the corner behind the chair of
+the Higholdboy. The second person had rolled himself up in a heap as
+well as he could, drew his head into his coat, and seemed resigned to
+whatever might be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> his fate. The third, however, made no resistance
+whatever, but rushed into one corner, turned his face to the wall, in
+which position he sustained for five minutes a brilliant cannonade of
+lemons, Boston crackers, with an occasional bomb in the shape of a
+nut-cracker and doughnut, for which affectionate tokens of respect he
+was indebted to the kindness of Van Dam, who bestowed upon him his
+undivided attention.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus033.jpg" alt="fight"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p>At the moment when the utter defeat of the invaders was shown to be a
+fixed fact, Johnny Cake re&euml;ntered the room. He saw the confusion which
+was everywhere apparent, and his first inquiry was as to the cause.
+Before he had been answered his eyes caught a sight of the party in the
+corner, who had ventured to turn his face around.</p>
+
+<p>"Here," said Johnny, "you've got one of my railroad party, whose
+adventures I have detailed to you this evening."</p>
+
+<p>"The devil!" said Spout.</p>
+
+<p>"How unfortunate!" remarked Quackenbush.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you seriously injured?" asked Van Dam of the man in the corner, who
+was no other than Overdale.</p>
+
+<p>"Nary time," was Overdale's response. "But where's Dennis?" he asked.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Here," said Dennis, as a head was seen to protrude from itself a
+coat-collar, like a tormented turtle from its shell, and, after some
+scrambling, Mr. Damon Dennis was erect and experimenting with his wooden
+leg, with the view of ascertaining whether it had suffered another
+fracture since the railroad experience.</p>
+
+<p>Wagstaff also essayed forth from behind the capacious seat of the
+presiding dignitary of the club, and, after shaking the wrinkles out of
+himself, was once more himself.</p>
+
+<p>Johnny Cake here introduced himself to the parties. They remembered him
+as having been one of the audience which listened to their free and easy
+concerts whilst travelling. They were then successively introduced to
+the different members of the club, all of whom expressed their regrets
+at having received them in so informal a manner, whilst Dennis,
+Overdale, and Wagstaff, protested that the apologies were useless, as
+they should not have made such an informal call. Mr. Spout again
+operated the telegraph for all parties, and when they were once more
+seated, Johnny Cake called on their uninvited guests for an explanation
+as to how they had found out their location. The statement was given by
+all three of the parties in disconnected sentences, sometimes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> one
+talking, and sometimes all. The narrations occupied about an hour in
+their delivery, and were replete with interest, but too long to be
+incorporated <i>verbatim</i> into these veracious records. The facts
+disclosed, however, were substantially these:</p>
+
+<p>After leaving the steamboat, they made their way to the Shanghae Hotel,
+without loss of life or further limb. Each had his carpet-bag in his
+hand, and having made a demonstration towards the hall-door, the
+attendants came out to relieve them of their loads. Unused as they were
+to a reception of this kind, their greeting was rather peculiar than
+otherwise. Overdale put his hands on his pockets, and told <i>his</i>
+gentleman to clear out. Wagstaff, with great presence of mind, knocked
+<i>his</i> down instanter. Dennis started to run, but finding his wooden leg
+impeded his speed, sat flat down on the sidewalk and called for a
+constable. Being eventually satisfied that the intentions of the
+individuals were honorable, they went into the house and placed their
+names on the register; Overdale, who did not understand this last
+performance, expressing his surprise that they should be required to
+sign a note for their board as soon as they came into the house. They
+were shown to separate rooms, and each proceeded to make himself as
+comfortable as his limited know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>ledge of the uses of the bedroom
+furniture would admit, preparatory to making his appearance in the
+dining-room. They were all shown this latter part of the establishment,
+after they had visited, arm-in-arm, the barber's shop, the ladies'
+parlor, and the hat-shop next door, in their vain search for something
+to eat.</p>
+
+<p>As they entered the room, and the head waiter approached, for the
+purpose of showing them some seats, Overdale took his arm, and, having
+marched the whole length of the room, was finally seated at one end of
+the table, while his two companions were accommodated with chairs
+immediately opposite. Their exploits at their first dinner in the city
+were many&mdash;being all of them ignorant of napkins, and innocent of silver
+forks, their performances with those unknown articles were something out
+of the common order.</p>
+
+<p>Having recovered from their first impression, that the bills of fare
+were religious tracts, left for the spiritual improvement of the
+boarders, by the Moral Reform Society, and having ascertained that they
+were in some way connected with the science of gastronomy, they
+proceeded to call for whatever they imagined would suit their palates.
+Wagstaff began with tarts, then taking a fancy to a jelly, he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> reached
+for them, and devoured them all, seventeen in number; and concluded his
+dinner by eating a shad without picking out the bones.</p>
+
+<p>Dennis, had somewhere heard of ice cream, for which frigid monstrosity
+he immediately called; when it came, not knowing exactly how to dispose
+of it, and perceiving that other people made use of the bottles from the
+caster-stand, he concluded that it would be proper to season his cream
+in like manner. He began with the pepper, followed it with vinegar, kept
+on to the Cayenne, added a good quantity of oil, drowned it with
+ketchup, and then with unusual impartiality, not wishing to neglect any
+of the bottles, he poured Worcestershire sauce over the whole. He eat it
+with the mustard-spoon and pronounced it excellent.</p>
+
+<p>Overdale seeing a gentleman, on leaving the table, throw down his
+napkin, called to him across the room that he had dropped his
+handkerchief, and then with the consciousness of having done a
+neighborly turn, he proceeded to eat his dinner. He studied for some
+time over his own napkin, but eventually concluded that it would be
+proper to put it in his chair, so that he would not soil the cushion,
+and accordingly disposed of it in that manner, and sat down upon it with
+great care, for fear he should tear<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> it. He then opened his bill of fare
+at the wine-list, and after puzzling for some time over the names, put
+his finger in the middle, and told the waiter he would "have some of
+that." The servant perceiving how matters stood, and having compassion
+on his queer customer, brought him some soup. He at once set to work to
+eat it with his fork, in which attempt he scalded both his mouth and his
+fingers, whereupon he drank the water in his finger-bowl to cool his
+mouth, and wiped his fingers in his hair to reduce their temperature.
+The considerate waiter came once more to the rescue, and brought him
+some beef, and also performed the same kindness for Dennis, and probably
+saved him from absolute starvation. But Overdale, never remarkable for
+strict temperance, looked for something to drink, and perceiving nothing
+that looked juicy, save the bottles in the castor-stand, he took out one
+of them, and having filled an egg-cup with the contents thereof, drank
+it down. As it was salad oil, he did not feel disposed to repeat the
+experiment. Having cleaned his nails with a nut-pick, and pared an apple
+with a fish-slice, he concluded his performances by putting half a dozen
+fried oysters in his pocket and leaving the table.</p>
+
+<p>At night they went immediately to bed, only finding their own rooms
+after poking their heads into<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> every other apartment on the same floor,
+and eventually securing the services of the chambermaid as a guide.</p>
+
+<p>Overdale having got this lady to light his gas, was not able to get to
+bed without doing something further extraordinary, so wishing to open
+his window, he called a boy to his door twenty-seven times, by pulling
+at the bell-rope, which he imagined to be connected, in some
+inexplicable manner, with the sash. He was at last ready to go to sleep,
+when he blew out his gas, and laid down on the carpet, covering himself
+with the hearth-rug, fearing to get into the bed lest he should rumple
+the sheets. He woke up subsequently, and yelled for a waiter. One
+happened to be passing in the hall at that moment, and answered his
+call. Overdale asked where the tavern-keeper was, as he wanted too see
+him. He didn't want to be imposed upon, if he was from the country, and
+considered it a huge imposition to put a man into a room which was right
+over an asaf[oe]tida factory. The waiter comprehended the nature of Mr.
+Overdale's difficulty, and explained to him the nature of carburetted
+hydrogen, and the mistake that he had made in blowing out the light,
+instead of turning off the gas. Mr. Overdale thanked the waiter for his
+valuable information, and after waiting for the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> room to be well
+ventilated, he retired to rest&mdash;this time, however, in the bed, the
+waiter having kindly explained to him that the bed-clothing was nicely
+adjusted for the express purpose of being rumpled up, in order to give
+employment to a useful class of the community known as chambermaids.</p>
+
+<p>In the morning, by one of those curious coincidences which we know do
+happen, but for which we cannot account, our three rural friends found
+themselves, at precisely eight o'clock, in the bar-room, before the bar,
+and calling upon the major for something to drink. Each drank, after
+which they went in to breakfast.</p>
+
+<p>The bill of fare not being so complicated as the one on the dinner-table
+the day previous, and being printed in good readable English, they had
+no difficulty in procuring breakfast entirely to their satisfaction.
+After arising, and supplying themselves with cigars, they started out on
+an exploring expedition through the city.</p>
+
+<p>Overdale, having read a good deal about the various "lions" of the town,
+assumed to know all about it, and therefore Dennis and Wagstaff
+acquiesced in his taking the lead; Wagstaff taking notes of everything
+for the benefit of his children when he returned home.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>They strayed into Taylor's saloon, which Overdale informed them was the
+Crystal Palace. Gurney's Daguerreotype Gallery he stated was the
+American Art Union. The three then took the cars on the corner of Canal
+street and Broadway, Overdale remarking that he hoped all their lives
+were insured, as they were now on the Camden and Amboy Railroad. Dennis
+hoped they would run off the track in such a way that his wooden leg
+would be again broken. He would then retire for a few weeks, swear that
+he had lost a leg by the accident, sue the company for fifty thousand
+dollars damages, compromise by accepting ten thousand, and then go to
+Kansas and set up a faro bank. As they passed the Jefferson Market
+fire-alarm bell-tower, Overdale said it was a shot tower, erected in
+revolutionary times. They then arrived at the real Crystal Palace, which
+Overdale declared answered to the descriptions he had read of Fulton
+Market. The submarine armor which was on exhibition, he explained was a
+flying machine. The statue of the Amazon was noted down in Wagstaff's
+book, upon the authority of Overdale, as a cast-iron black foot squaw,
+on a prairie mustang. The fountain was announced to be a patent
+frog-pond. After writing down an accurate description of the
+fire-engines and hose-carts (the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> first of which Overdale supposed to be
+perpetual self-acting locomotives, and the second a newly-invented
+threshing machine), Wagstaff proposed they should leave. The Croton
+Reservoir, Overdale stated was the gas-works. They then ascended the
+Latting Observatory, which their intelligent informant assured them was
+Trinity Church. From the altitude they here attained, they were favored
+with a view of a large extent of country. Overdale called the attention
+of his companions to the High Bridge over the Harlem river, of which
+they had an excellent view. He said that it was one of the few gigantic
+relics of the architecture of the Norsemen, whom he stated populated
+this country ten centuries before Columbus sculled over here in a
+scow-boat. This was the same bridge, he further remarked, which Edgar A.
+Hood, a historian, and an intimate friend of Nicholas Galileo, a poet of
+the sixteenth century, had spoken of as "bridge of size." Mr. Overdale
+stated that the squadron of pleasure-yachts anchored at Hoboken were a
+number of clam-sloops, which had probably been abandoned by their
+owners, because they were old and unseaworthy. Jersey City, he was
+inclined to believe, from its general description and situation, was the
+Sixth Ward, which he further stated was in the centre of the Five
+Points. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> Penitentiary on Blackwell's Island, of which they had an
+excellent view, he informed them was the City Hall&mdash;the regular resort
+of the Common Scoundrels of the city. When they left the Observatory
+they strayed over into Avenue D, which, upon the word of the intelligent
+Overdale, Wagstaff described in his book as the Bowery. After mistaking
+the Dry Dock for the Battery, and a Williamsburg ferry boat for a
+Collins steamer, they continued to wander about, making divers mistakes,
+all of which were faithfully noted down as facts in Wagstaff's notebook.
+At eight o'clock in the evening, they found themselves in the Franklin
+Museum, whither they had gone on Overdale's invitation, to visit the
+Free Love Club. When the performance was over they sallied out, and
+fetched up in a German lager-bier saloon in William street, where the
+assembled Teutons were singing their national airs. For a moment
+Overdale was in doubt, but, after two minutes' thought, he informed his
+friends that they were in the Academy of Music, listening to an Italian
+Opera. When they left they were full of music, they having caught the
+inspiration from being in the presence of foreign artists, and
+immediately commenced to sing once more "Vilikins and his Dinah," with a
+strong chorus, but were almost immediately choked down<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> by the police.
+They wandered about disconsolate, inquiring frequently of some hurrying
+passer-by where they could find the elephant, and receiving in reply to
+their interrogations a great variety of directions as to his
+whereabouts, from disinterested persons, all of which they noted down
+for reference. They searched an hour and a half for "my uncle, in the
+second story of the Fifth Avenue Railroad," which individual, they had
+been informed, could give them the desired information; they walked
+about four miles in search of "No. 1 'round the corner," at which place
+they had been assured, by a venerable female of Milesian accent who sold
+peanuts on the curb-stone, they would undoubtedly find the wished-for
+quadruped on exhibition. In the course of this latter search, as they
+were about to venture into a promising-looking saloon, for the purpose
+of procuring something to allay their thirst, Wagstaff caught a glimpse
+of the miniature elephant which was over the door of the club-room; and
+imagining that he had discovered the veritable animal, he uttered a cry
+of joy which attracted his companions to the same object, upon which
+they made a grand rush up the flight of stairs. Where they got to, and
+how they were received, is already told.</p>
+
+<p>When the narrative had been concluded, Mr. John<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> Spout, the Higholdboy
+of the club, declared in solemn terms, that, by virtue of his office,
+the three persons whose adventures had just been related by themselves
+should be henceforth considered members of the Elephantine order. He
+added that any member might object if he chose, but it wouldn't do him
+any good, as he should immediately overrule the objection, and kick the
+daring objector down stairs.</p>
+
+<p>This persuasive manner of addressing the members had the desired effect.
+They were convinced by the gentle logic of their dignified superior
+officer, and they could not have the heart to oppose him had they felt
+so inclined.</p>
+
+<p>Messrs. Wagstaff, Overdale, and Dennis, who were thus so summarily
+promoted, were solemnly sworn in on a boiled ham, after which all hands
+joined in singing, "We won't go home till morning." It may be proper to
+add, in respect to this last musical asseveration, and as a deserved
+tribute to the veracity of the persons concerned, that when they said
+they wouldn't go home till morning, <i>they didn't</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class="center"> <a name="The_Colored_Camp-Meeting" id="The_Colored_Camp-Meeting"></a>
+<img src="images/illus034.jpg" alt="heading"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 18em;"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span>
+There is a divinity that shapes our ends,<br />
+Rough&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p style="margin-left: 27em;">
+<span class="smcap">Shakspeare.</span>
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p><b>AN </b> evening or two after the facts related in the last chapter of this
+veritable and never-to&mdash;be-believed history, the members of the club
+<span class="floatl">
+<img src="images/illus036.jpg" alt="preacher"  /></span>were seated in silent deliberation round their table, each man smoking a
+short pipe by a special order of the council; an unusual commotion was
+noticed at the end of the table where John Spout was supposed to be
+anchored. First the smoke, which had settled, in a thick, hazy layer,
+upon everything, and concealed the members from each other, as if they
+had mutually<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> pulled the wool over each other's eyes until all were for
+a time invisible, was observed to wave to and fro, as if agitated by
+some powerfully moving cause, concealed from the observers by the
+fragrant tobacco fog which had been raised by the joint exertions of the
+assembled multitude. A few minutes more disclosed the arm of John Spout,
+working like an insane windmill, backwards and forwards, to open a clear
+space, and make himself visible to the naked eye.</p>
+
+<p>After the lapse of some little time, and the expenditure of no small
+amount of muscular power in this interesting exercise, the ruddy
+beef-face of the Higholdboy beamed forth from the encircling mist, like
+a good-natured light-house, which had been on a spree the night before,
+and got up with a red nose, in consequence of the nocturnal dissipation.
+As soon as he had cleared a space about him large enough for him to
+speak without danger of suffocation, he announced that he had a
+proposition to lay before the honorable body, and proceeded to state
+that he had observed in a morning paper an advertisement of a
+camp-meeting, to be held at a distance from the city easily accessible,
+by a 2'40" team, in a couple of hours. He, moreover, went on to say,
+that the presiding officers of the gospel-hunt were to be of a sable
+complexion, and that the greater part of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> congregation was expected
+to be of the same color&mdash;in fact, it was to be what a Bowery boy would,
+in his peculiar, but not inexpressive dialect, call a "Nigger Methodist
+Camp Meeting." The proposition of the pious Mr. Spout was that the
+Elephants should pack their pockets, and proceed to the scene of action,
+for the purpose of picking up any superfluous piety that might be lying
+around loose, and of making themselves generally agreeable, and having a
+good time all round.</p>
+
+<p>The suggestion was listened to with approval, and it was unanimously</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, that the Elephants proceed to the campground in the morning.</p>
+
+<p>A special committee, consisting of the entire club, was appointed to see
+that every person was provided with all the necessaries of life, and the
+requisites for having a juicy time.</p>
+
+<p>In consideration of his being the mover of the scheme, it was moved that
+J. Spout, Esq., should be empowered to procure from the livery-stable
+the necessary conveyances, and should become personally responsible for
+the same.</p>
+
+<p>The proposition was agreed to, with a clause to the effect that when he
+paid the bill he should treat the company with the change.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Each man then appointed every other man a committee to raise the means,
+and keep himself sober until the appointed hour, after which they
+adjourned to prepare.</p>
+
+<p>At eight, by the City Hall clock (and, of course, half-past eight by
+every other clock in the city) next morning, the convention was
+incomplete.</p>
+
+<p>For an hour there were three men lacking; but Mr. John I. Cake finally
+made his appearance, with his breeches tucked into his boots, a
+horsewhip in his hand, and a suspicious-looking protuberance immediately
+over his left coat pocket. The attention of the company being called to
+this, Johnny explained by saying that it was his Testament and
+hymn-book, and that he had been all the morning engaged in turning down
+the leaves at the proper places, so that he might not be interrupted in
+his devotions. A half hour longer was appropriated in waiting for
+Wagstaff and Overdale, but at the end of that time, those two worthies
+failing to appear, the party resolved to start without them, Boggs
+remarking, that if those tardy individuals failed to reach Heaven
+because of their religious shortcomings, they could not say, in
+extenuation of their offence, that their fraternal Elephants had not
+waited a sufficient time to give them an opportunity for salvation.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The vehicles provided for the occasion were two single buggies, into
+which all seven of the party were to pack themselves, a feat which was
+finally accomplished, much to the detriment of Johnny Cake's
+shirt-collar, and greatly to the discomfiture of Quackenbush, who had to
+sit in behind, and let his legs hang over.</p>
+
+<p>Van Dam took the reins of the foremost carriage, and his first exploit
+was to run the wheel against the curb-stone, and spill the party into a
+coal-hole, from which they were rescued by the exertions of the
+bystanders. They once more started on their journey, under the
+supervision of Quackenbush, who was recalled from the stern of the
+craft, and made to assume the guidance of the crazy horse.</p>
+
+<p>Van Dam, on being deprived of his charge, immediately went to sleep, and
+waked no more, except when his companions roused him to pay the toll,
+which they did at every gate, until there was no more small change in
+his pockets than there is gunpowder in a tom-cat, after which they
+offered to pay every time with a twenty-dollar bill, and as no one would
+assume the responsibility of changing it, they passed free, and
+proceeded merrily enough until they reached the encampment of the devout
+darkeys.</p>
+
+<p>There being no taverns immediately adjoining, the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> horses were made as
+comfortable as circumstances would admit of, under a beech-tree, in a
+clover-field, and the human part of the Elephantine delegation marched
+in an exceedingly irregular procession to the camp ground; the line of
+march being occasionally thrown into disorder by John Spout, who
+persisted in making protracted and strenuous efforts to squeeze
+something wet out of a Schiedam schnapps bottle, which had been dry as a
+powder-horn ever since Quackenbush had his last pull at it.</p>
+
+<p>A description of the sylvan scene which met their metropolitan gaze may
+not be out of place.</p>
+
+<p>It was in a clearing, in a piece of beech and maple woods. Stands were
+erected for some of the prominent speakers; slabs were laid from stump
+to stump, for the accommodation of such of the brothers and sisters as
+desired to sit still and listen to the preaching, and in places straw
+was laid on the ground, for the special benefit of such as had the
+"power," and wanted to get down on the ground and have a private tussle
+with the devil on their own account. Stands were erected under the
+trees, in the shadiest spots, by enterprising white folks, for the sale
+of gingerbread and root-beer, and it was rumored that some speculators,
+distrusting the appearance of the "sperits of just men made perfeck,"
+had supplied<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> their place with other spirits, full as potent and equally
+reliable.</p>
+
+<p>The grass might have been agreeable to look upon at a distance, but a
+close inspection showed it to be full of pismires; the stumps would have
+been commodious seats, if they had not been most of them previously
+appropriated by black-snakes; the sleeping places would have been tents,
+if they had not been huts, and a poetical fancy might have pictured them
+as being constructed of canvas, white as the driven snow, but the
+practical mind instantly discovered that they were made of oak slabs and
+dirty horse-blankets. Some imaginative people would have set down the
+speaking of the ministers as eloquence if not inspiration, but a
+critical individual would have found fault with the bad grammar, and
+insinuated that the inspiration was all perspiration.</p>
+
+<p>At the north end of the ground, a big darkey in his shirt-sleeves was
+mounted on a platform, preaching to a crowd, who seemed, by their
+vermicular contortions, to be possessed of a legion of eely devils. On
+the west side, a fat wench was stirring up the fire under a big kettle
+of soup, seemingly composed principally of onions and ham; in a sly
+corner a red-shirt b'hoy was displaying the mysterious evolu<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span>tions of
+the "little joker," and two small specimens of ebony juvenility were
+playing euchre on a basswood log; opposite to these, mounted on a cider
+barrel, a molasses-colored gentleman was going through a rather
+extraordinary performance; he had preached till his audience had all
+left him; then shouted "Hallelujah," and "Glory," till he was hoarse;
+had sung hymns in a spasmodic whisper till his voice gave entirely out,
+and now, in despair at being unable to speak, yet compelled to work off
+his superabundant religion, as if he were a locomotive with too big a
+head of steam on, he was dancing on one leg, and kicking the other about
+in a kind of perpetual pigeon-wing, and tossing his arms upwards in a
+wild and original manner, as if he was using his utmost endeavors to
+climb to heaven on an invisible tarred rope.</p>
+
+<p>To the shouts of the men, and the screams of the women who had got too
+much religion, was added the laughter of the outsiders, who hadn't got
+enough religion, and the swearing of the gamblers, who hadn't got any
+religion; and to complete the harmony, from a neighboring pasture was
+wafted the roars of a herd of cattle, applauding, in their own peculiar
+manner, an extemporaneous bull-fight.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dropper gave it as his opinion, that camp-<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span>meeting religion, if
+analyzed, would be found to consist of equal parts of rum, rowdyism, and
+insanity. As, however, it was deemed improper to decide without a
+complete examination of the premises, it was resolved to proceed in
+company to explore the place.</p>
+
+<p>Quackenbush, who had resumed his nap on the grass, was roused, and after
+getting the grasshoppers out of his hair, the sand-flies out of his
+ears, and pulling off his boots to look for centipedes, he was declared
+ready for active duty, and they proceeded on their march.</p>
+
+<p>They found in a side hut of more pretentious appearance than the rest,
+that there was something unusual going on, and upon inquiring,
+discovered that one of the fragrant flock having transgressed, he was
+then having his trial before the "session."</p>
+
+<p>The party moved on to where the minister in his shirt-sleeves was
+edifying a small, but select, not to say noisy, congregation. The
+audience seemed to be affected much in the same manner as a strong shock
+of electricity will stir up a crowd of boys who have all got hold of the
+same wire. As there seemed to be a prospect of fun, the Elephants made a
+temporary halt to witness the same.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The sermon was now concluded, and the shirt-sleeve-man kneeled down on
+the platform and began to pray; he must have had no inconsiderable
+amount of similar exercise before, for the knees of his pantaloons were
+worn entirely through, and there was a large hole behind where he had
+sat upon his heels.</p>
+
+<p>No sooner had he fairly commenced praying than some of the more
+energetic in the crowd began to groan; when he made a thorny point, and
+said something about the "arrow of conviction," some fat wench would
+sing out "Glory;" when he put in a touch about hell fire and other
+torrid climates, they would cry out "Yes, Lord." And when he put in an
+extra lick about repentance, and death, and damnation, and other
+pleasant luxuries, the whole crowd fairly screamed with excitement.</p>
+
+<p>At length a powerful darkey, with a head like a cord of No. 1 curled
+hair, and with nothing on to hide his black anatomy but a pair of thin
+breeches and a blue shirt, began to give unequivocal manifestations of
+the workings of his faith; first he kicked a woman with his right leg,
+then he kicked a little boy with his left, then he punched one of the
+brethren in the stomach, then he stepped on the toes of a grey-haired
+class-leader, but, as both were bare<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>footed, no harm was done; then he
+yelled like seven Indians, and howled like seven Irishmen, and danced
+about like a whole regiment of crazy Dutchmen. When he opened his mouth,
+the minister dodged the yawning chasm, and the man fell down and
+sprawled about in the mud, striking about with his arms and legs, as if
+he were swimming on a bet, and was only two minutes from the stake-boat.
+At last he ceased to move, and stiffened out as if he had suddenly
+swallowed a rifle-barrel, which stuck in his throat like Macbeth's amen.
+The damaged brethren gathered round; the sisters, after giving their
+injured shins a consoling rub, also came to the rescue, and the man was
+picked up. He was foaming at the mouth; his teeth were set together so
+that a fence-stake was required to pry them apart; his shirt was
+unbuttoned (his pantaloons had unbuttoned themselves); a pailful of
+water out of the nearest frog-pond was dashed in his face, and he soon
+so far recovered himself as to ask for corn whisky. All immediately
+sang, with a strong chorus, a thanksgiving hymn, that his soul was
+saved; though what connection there was between corn whisky and
+salvation puzzled the Elephantines some, if not more.</p>
+
+<p>When this interesting episode in the day's perform<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span>ance was concluded,
+the participants picked themselves up, and prepared to again besiege
+Satan in his stronghold, the north side of Sebastopol of the hearts of
+sinful niggers. Singing was the first feature, and the hymn was of a
+style unique, and, to the Elephants, highly refreshing. In point of
+comparison they had never known anything like it, and the execution was
+incomparable to anything known to exist by them. An athletic colored
+individual sang the words of the hymn, and, after each verse, the whole
+congregation would join in the swelling chorus.</p>
+
+<p>The effect of the hymn was electric. No less than twenty-seven colored
+females were seized with spasmodic religion, whilst over a dozen of the
+sterner sex found themselves unable to longer resist the thirsting of
+the spirit for religious nourishment, and they, too, fell over, and,
+amid the howling, kicking, singing, shouting and indescribable confusion
+that followed, Mr. Quackenbush expressed it as his opinion that chaos
+had come.</p>
+
+<p>But Mr. Boggs was seriously affected by the performance. He fell down in
+the grass, and laughed, and rolled, and positively refused to be
+comforted or get up, until the rest of the company ran sticks in his
+ears, and put last year's chestnut-burs down his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> back. When he had
+sufficiently recovered, the members of the club renewed their
+investigations. They listened to several exhortations and hymns, and
+then peeped under the horse-blanket tents. In one they saw a youthful
+wench, trying to pray with her mouth full of cold sausage. Her efforts
+were useless, and becoming satisfied of this fact herself, she
+concluded, very sensibly, to no longer try to save her soul on an empty
+stomach, but see to her bodily wants first. Before she had got ready to
+pray again she had drank a pint of gin, which so heightened her
+religious enthusiasm that she made a dive among the pious elders, gave
+four shouts of glory, and fell into the arms of a venerable gentleman,
+who divided his time for the next hour in kissing the young sister, and
+crying amen and glory in alternation.</p>
+
+<p>At last, the Elephants concluded to return to the city. They piled
+themselves into the vehicles, and by means of sundry persuasive
+arguments, the horses were induced to reach the livery-stable, rather
+warm, inside of two hours.</p>
+
+<p>After the party had stowed away divers beefsteaks and onions, and other
+articles of food, they ascended into the club-room. Here they found
+Overdale and Wagstaff, both asleep. They were awakened, and, in a
+peremptory manner, the High<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span>oldboy demanded to know why they had not
+been on hand in the morning at the place of rendezvous, to witness the
+sable performance in the rural districts. The answers of the two
+offending individuals differed. Wagstaff assigned as a reason that he
+was asleep, whereas Overdale stated that he wasn't awake. The Higholdboy
+announced himself satisfied with the answers.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class="center"> <a name="Further_Discoveries" id="Further_Discoveries"></a>
+<img src="images/illus037.jpg" alt="heading"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 18em;"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>
+"There is a tide in the affairs of men,<br />
+Which taken at the flood leads on&mdash;&mdash;"
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p><b>WITH</b> the facts contained in our last chapter, the members of the
+<span class="floatl">
+<img src="images/illus039.jpg" alt="preacher"  /></span>Elephantine order may be said to have fairly begun their herculean
+labors. Certain it is that all the spare time they could command was
+devoted to an investigation into the particular speciality in zo&ouml;logical
+science, for which the club had been organized; and certain it is that
+the prospect of some rare contribution from members at the next regular
+meeting was good.</p>
+
+<p>The meeting night arrived at length, the members were all present, and
+punctual to the hour.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The Higholdboy had brought with him a pair of boxing-gloves, which he
+announced were to be used in this wise: He was determined to keep order
+in the meetings, and this, too, even if he had to resort to severe means
+to do so. But actuated by the same feelings of benevolence which
+animated the legislators who caused the passage of laws to prevent
+cruelty to animals, he did not want to do physical injury to the
+refractory members of the club. Therefore, he had brought the aforesaid
+boxing-gloves, so that when he knocked a member down, he wouldn't either
+draw blood or give him a black eye.</p>
+
+<p>This humane considerateness on the part of Mr. Spout was warmly
+commended by the brethren, and Mr. Quackenbush, in behalf of the club,</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, that the Higholdboy is a model presiding officer.</p>
+
+<p>This resolution in behalf of the club was adopted by Mr. Quackenbush.</p>
+
+<p>Overdale here arose and said that he fully coincided with the spirit of
+the resolution; he had a proposition to make, however, which was to
+order up some cold corned beef, celery, mustard, rolls, and butter,
+provided he would consent to let the members keep order after their own
+fashion.</p>
+
+<p>This appeal to Mr. Spout's feelings was irresistible,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> and he gave his
+full consent, saying that that was all he had contemplated under any
+circumstances, and if they could ring in Overdale for the feed, it was
+so much gained. It was accordingly ordered that Overdale give his order.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Boggs said that boxing-gloves forcibly reminded him of some
+experience he had had several years previously. Though a person by no
+means thin, and notwithstanding the fact that he had been for years
+troubled with chronic good health, yet, from reading at that time
+various physiological works, he had become convinced, that from the want
+of proper physical training, his dissolution might be considered near at
+hand, unless he took immediate measures to save his precious life by
+means of active exercise. He accordingly visited the gymnasiums, but the
+idea of putting himself into such fantastic shapes as he saw young men
+doing, was to him not to be thought of. Further, he was decidedly
+opposed to the idea of making himself the laughing-stock of a set of
+young rascals by his awkward efforts in his incipient progress. Whilst
+he was yet undecided, a friend suggested to him that he procure a couple
+of pairs of boxing-gloves, and practise with them. "Having purchased the
+gloves," continued Mr. Boggs, "I was still at a loss to know how to
+proceed. I didn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> want to practice with anybody, because I knew that my
+awkwardness would make mirth for them, and to this I was decidedly
+opposed. Under these circumstances I resorted to other means. In the
+garret of the house in which I lived was a mammoth stove&mdash;in fact,
+gentlemen, a stove which I could strike and not knock over, which would
+not laugh at me in my attacks, and therefore a stove with which I made
+up my mind to have a few rounds each day.</p>
+
+<p>"The next day I went up into the garret. There stood the sable champion
+of heavy weight, and, for the first time in my life, I stripped myself
+of my coat, to fight without being appalled. The stove loomed up in
+giant proportions; I stood before it, and squared off as well as I knew
+how. I imagined I saw the stove's right fist coming at my left eye. I
+parried off the blow, which, without doubt, would have been aimed at me,
+had the stove had a right fist as I imagined, and with my right fist I
+planted a stunner in the place where his bread-basket should have been.
+The result was a powerful reaction, and I found myself sprawling on the
+floor. I ascertained that I was not damaged, and wisely determined then
+that I would not strike such powerful blows in the future.</p>
+
+<p>"I again squared off, and began putting in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> blows in rapid
+succession, whilst I managed successfully to keep my adversary from
+hitting me in even one of the many attempts which I imagined he made. I
+kept up the practice about an hour.</p>
+
+<p>"The next day I resumed my practice, and I kept it up for several weeks,
+when I fancied that I was sufficiently expert to 'travel on my muscle.'</p>
+
+<p>"To be sure, I had fought an inanimate object, which could not strike;
+still, in the tussles I had imagined the stove striking at me from all
+conceivable directions, and I had not only been able to guard-off these
+imaginary blows, but I had shown the stove that I could put in a few
+astonishers between times.</p>
+
+<p>"I was ready now for practice with a living adversary. But who was he to
+be? that was the question. I was still unwilling to call in any of my
+acquaintances, as I might possibly after all be found <i>veni, vidi,
+vici</i>, as we say in the classics, which, when translated into English,
+means weighed in the balance and found short (suppressed snickers).</p>
+
+<p>"One day, as I was cogitating upon the matter in front of the house, a
+big nigger, full six feet in height, came along. He looked as if he
+wanted a job, and with a good deal of trepidation, I ventured to ask him
+if I was right in supposing him anxious to make a half-dollar. I found
+him to be an eager candidate<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> for any position, from a cashier of a
+bogus bank up to a boot-black. I took him up in the garret and disclosed
+to him the nature of my desires, and took occasion to inform him that I
+would give him a half-dollar for two hours services per day, and a
+quarter in addition never to say a word about the matter; to this he
+assented, and I told him to put on the gloves. He took the dirty pair
+out of respect to me (not taking into consideration the probable
+consequence to me, in case of his succeeding in putting in a few licks),
+and I took the clean pair.</p>
+
+<p>"We squared off, and occupied a minute or two in preliminary practice; I
+felt fully confident that I could manage him quite as easily as I had
+the stove, and after telling him to do his best, I proceeded to give him
+a poke in his breast. We gradually warmed in the work, the blows passed
+more frequently, and as we proceeded I became conscious of the fact that
+I managed to put in almost one blow to his three. I then made my
+calculations to give the nigger a regular rib riser, and just as I was
+about to consummate this well digested plan, I became apprised that
+something important had happened; what it was I was unable for a minute
+or two to decide; several thoughts passed rapidly through my mind. One
+idea I had was, that a bombshell from Sebastopol had exploded in the
+identical premises which I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> was then occupying. But this gave way to
+another, which was that New York had been tipped over into Buttermilk
+Channel; then again, I thought that somebody was using my head for a
+rattle-box; several other theories suggested themselves to me, all of
+which were equally reasonable. But at any-rate the cause of the peculiar
+sensations was soon solved. The nigger had given me a clip, covering the
+lower part of my proboscis, my mouth, and chin, had set my nose
+bleeding, and cut my lips somewhat against my teeth, and the blood was
+flowing profusely.</p>
+
+<p>"I looked around for the nigger, but he had disappeared; the probability
+is that he thought he had been the cause of my death, and fearing an
+indictment for murder, had vamosed without stopping to get his fifty
+cents.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"I picked myself up as well as I could, and travelled down stairs to my
+room. A look into the mirror presented to my view an interesting picture
+<span class="floatl">
+<img src="images/illus040.jpg" alt="mirror"  /></span>of my self; not only were my nose and lips swollen, but the gloves which
+the nigger had on, being blackened with the stove-blacking, had
+communicated the metallic polish to my face and shirt, so that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> both
+were of a beautiful sheet-iron color. I kept my room for ten days; sent
+word to the landlady that I had the measles, and requested that nobody
+be admitted to my room but the servant who brought me my food, and him I
+feed liberally to keep mum. When I got well enough to go out, I loaned
+my boxing gloves to a young gentleman, with my mind fully made up that
+if he never offered to return them, I shouldn't send a constable after
+him, nor ask him for them. I have not indulged in any amusements of the
+kind since, and I am glad to announce that I am fully satisfied with my
+past experience in the study of the science."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Boggs's narrative was loudly applauded. He, however, protested
+against the civility.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Van Dam characterized it as a valuable contribution, which called
+forth from Mr. Boggs the question, "What the devil he meant by calling
+it a contribution; he had no idea of the kind."</p>
+
+<p>The members insisted that, however he might regard it, it certainly was
+a valuable contribution to their entertainment, and would grace the
+archives of the club.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Boggs stated that had he entertained the most distant idea he was
+doing anything of any value to anybody, he should have never been able<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span>
+to say a word. If it was a contribution he was glad of it.</p>
+
+<p>The Higholdboy then called upon the other members for their
+contributions to science.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Quackenbush responded, and after drinking some Croton water diluted
+with gin, he began:</p>
+
+<p>"Last evening I started out on a cruise, with the view of seeing the
+elephant on the streets by gas-light. I saw the identical elephant to be
+seen every evening, and with which you are all familiar, and I began to
+think about eleven o'clock that I should be compelled to retire to rest
+without having seen anything worthy of note. To be sure, I had seen a
+fight between a nigger and Irishman, which, after the first round, was
+finished by each party running away as fast as his legs could carry him,
+thereby tacitly acknowledging that he was beaten; but what was this?
+Every one of you have been in fights, and of course it would be
+unnatural to suppose that a description of a scrimmage of brief duration
+between an Irishman and a nigger would be particularly interesting. I
+was about to turn my footsteps homeward, when the movements of an
+individual attracted my attention. The person in question was a
+gentleman of about forty-five years of age. His height was fully six
+feet, his form was very spare, his face thin, his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> nose sharp and
+prominent, his eyes and hair grey, and his face closely shaven,
+wrinkled, and sallow. He was dressed in a plain black dress-coat and
+pants, of a style about three years old. His vest was of black satin,
+his shirt-bosom was scrupulously white; a black silk choker was tightly
+enveloped about his neck, above which peered a diminutive collar, which,
+when it was put on, was without doubt a standing-collar, but the starch
+had not been made of such a consistency as to render it consistent for
+the collar to stand up against the unstiffening effects of a hot day's
+sweating. As I saw him, he was coming down the street at a rapid rate,
+describing all sorts of geometrical figures on the sidewalk, and making
+efforts to sing the words of "Yankee Doodle" to the tune of "Old
+Hundred." Whenever he ran against an awning-post, he would stop, and
+expostulate with the post for its want of civility, and would insist
+that the post had never been born and bred in the St. Lawrence country,
+or it would have shown more politeness to strangers. He was entirely
+unable to account for the sudden revolutions of the earth, which made
+day and night follow each other in such quick succession. When he ran
+against a lamp-post, he would look up to the light and insist that it
+was dinner-time, and would wonder why the old woman didn't blow the
+horn.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span> At that moment a policeman came along, and was going to take him
+into custody. On observing the policeman's uniform, he inquired of him
+whether he was a 'Merican or British soger, and whether the Russians had
+whipped Nicholas, and whether Cuba had begun to bombard General Pierce
+at Sebastopol. I knew the officer very well, and he suggested that as
+the man seemed to be quite respectable in his appearance, it might be
+well to take him to a hotel for the night. I volunteered to do this, and
+accordingly took him under my care. On going down, he asked me if I was
+a karvern teeper, as he wanted to take a drink of bed, and then go to
+sleep on a blass of grandy. I told him I was, and would see him put to
+bed all right. On asking him his name, I learned that he was Deacon
+Josiah Pettingill, of St. Lawrence county. We got to the hotel, and I
+informed the clerk that the gentleman was a country friend of mine, whom
+I wanted stowed away for the night, and for whom I would call in the
+morning. I accompanied him to the room, assisted in removing his
+garments, and, after putting him between the sheets, I left the
+premises. This morning I called on him at his room, and found him still
+asleep. I proceeded to awaken him. It occupied some minutes to explain
+to him the true condition of affairs. At last, the whole<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> of the
+occurrences of the previous evening seemed to come to his recollection.</p>
+
+<p>"He inquired his condition when I found him. I told him that he was at
+that time considerably drunk, and disposed to be somewhat noisy.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, squire,' said he, 'I shouldn't be surprised if it was so; the
+fact is, my head aches at this minute as if it was ready to bust, and it
+feels jest as it did once in my lifetime, a good while ago, when I took
+too much egg nogg; that was full twenty-five year ago; for awhile, I
+felt as if I was ridin' to Heaven over glairy ice down a high hill, on a
+bob-sled with its runners greased. But I never got there; I know one
+thing sartain&mdash;a few hours afterward I felt as if the bob-sled had run
+agin a stump, when almost tu the bottom of the hill, and the concussion
+had landed me intu a cauldron-kettle full of fever and ager and
+blacksmiths' hammers, mixed together in equal parts; it wasn't funny,
+squire; I went right off and jined the church, and hain't been blue
+since, unless I wos last night.'</p>
+
+<p>"I asked Mr. Pettingill to give me a history of his experience in the
+city. He complied, and stated the facts as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, you see, squire, I come to the city last evenin' from Albany, in
+the railroad, and when I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> got tu the shed where the railroad stops, I
+got out. A feller stepped up to me as important as a bantam cock after
+he has crowed for the first time, and asked me where I wanted to go. I
+told him I wanted tu go tu a first-rate tarvern. He said that idea was
+ridiculous; that they never allowed distinguished strangers tu go tu
+tarverns, and, unless he was mistaken, I was something above the common
+folks from the rooral deestricts. I told him I was supervisor of the
+town where I was born and brought up, in the St. Lawrence country. He
+said he was thunderin' glad to hear it, as he himself was something of a
+high cockalorum of New York. He insisted upon my gittin' intu the
+carriage and goin' tu his private dwellin', as it would be vulgar tu go
+tu tarverns. I asked him if the St. Nicholas Hotel was common. He said
+that nobody but those that wasn't no great shakes went there. We finally
+come to a real big, purty stun house, and the man jumped off from the
+carriage. He told me again that if he was rich he wasn't proud, and it
+was a way he had of always ridin' outside and drivin'. I told him I
+always done so, only in the consarn I had they all rode outside, for the
+reason that there warn't no inside. With that he larfed, and said that
+all folks didn't have jest the same way of doin' things, and we went tu
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> door. A nigger come and opened the door, and we went in. There was
+about twenty gentlemen, fixed off tu kill, and a table sot with bottles,
+and everything as slickery as could be. The man who brought me took me
+tu a fine-looking gentleman and told me that he was his brother, that he
+was obleeged tu go out on business connected with his office, but that
+he would be back by 11 o'clock; he said his brother would see tu me, and
+do the scrumptious while he was gone; well, we set down to the table; he
+was orful kind, for he helped me tu everything he could on the
+table&mdash;all kinds of chicken-fixens and gingerbread arrangements; he then
+asked me tu take a glass of wine; I told him I was a little tew much of
+a temperance man for that; he said certainly he wouldn't ask me if I had
+any scrooples agin' it; he asked me if I was opposed to drinkin' cider;
+I said no, if it was sweet; he said that they had got in, about a week
+before, a barrel of sweet cider, which had jest enough snap in it tu
+make it taste good; he told the nigger to take a bottle of wine up
+stairs tu his sick nephew, and tu bring a pitcher full of cider up
+stairs from the new barrel; the nigger left with the bottle and the
+pitcher, and in about five minutes came back intu the room with the
+pitcher full of the slickest cider I ever seen; I drunk some of it, and
+it tasted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> so good that I drunk more; when I had taken almost enough,
+the gentleman asked me tu go into the back room where a lot of men was a
+setting around a table, holdin' little round pieces of bone in their
+hands and puttin' 'em down, and another man was fumblin' with some
+pieces of paper; I asked him if they wasn't playin' cards, 'cause I
+thought they looked as if they was; he said no, that they was Wall
+street stock-dealers, and that the pieces of bone stood for so many
+shares of stock; he asked if I wouldn't like to become a stock-jobber,
+and he said there was a power of money tu be made at the business; I
+said I guessed not, but he seemed tu be anxious tu do a little at it
+himself, and he asked me to lend him a hundred dollars which he would
+give back tu me when his brother came; after he had give me three or
+four more glasses of cider, which, by this time, he poured out of
+bottles, I handed him my money-puss and told him tu help himself; he
+opened it and took out all there was in it, which was ten dollars; he
+asked me if that was all I had got, and I told him that my calculations
+bad been jest right; that when I started from hum I had an idee that I
+should land with jest ten dollars in my puss; he then asked me if I had
+brought any checks or drafts, and I told him no; so he said he would
+borrow the ten,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> and he went into the stock business pretty heavy, and I
+watched to see how he made in the speculation, but after takin' three or
+four more glasses of that cider, I kinder lost the run of the
+speculation; he then said it would be a good idee tu go out and get some
+fresh air, which we did, after taking a little more of that cider; as we
+went along the streets, I thought that we didn't have tu move our
+feet&mdash;that the street moved up and down tu save us the trouble; the
+houses kinder got to playin' blind man's buff, and the streets got to
+heaving up and down orfully, and when I was wonderin' what on airth made
+it, I missed the gentleman; that, squire, is about all I recollect; but
+the fun of the matter is this, that I was cute enough not tu tell the
+gentleman I had three hundred dollar bills tucked behind the strap of my
+boot, in the leg.'</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pettingill then took one of his boots from the floor, drew out the
+three hundred dollar bills, and held them up as a triumph of St.
+Lawrence cuteness.</p>
+
+<p>"'Now,' said he, 'squire, I want you tu show me a tarvern where nobody
+won't want tu borrow money of me. I am a little 'spicious of that man's
+brother. I don't believe he intended to pay me.'</p>
+
+<p>"I told him that his present quarters were as desirable, in all points
+of view, as any he could find in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> city, after which I informed him,
+much to his astonishment, that he had been taken to a gambling-house,
+and it was owing to his 'cuteness,' which, it seems, did not forsake him
+when drunk, that he had not lost all his money.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pettingill thanked me for the part I had taken in his behalf, and
+gave me a pressing invitation to come to his place in St. Lawrence
+county, next summer, and spend a month with him, all of which I promised
+to do, if it was possible."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Quackenbush was congratulated on his good fortune in coming across
+that particular species of the elephant, whose nature and
+characteristics he had so happily and correctly delineated in his paper.</p>
+
+<p>It was moved by Mr. Dropper that a copy of the contribution be requested
+from Quackenbush, to make cigar-lighters of, and that the original be
+deposited in the big room of the American Institute, as a specimen of
+bad chirography.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Q. said he would see them blowed first.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Van Dam next proceeded with his contribution:</p>
+
+<p>"A few evenings since," said he, "as I was passing through one of the
+streets of Gotham, I observed a crowd collected near a corner grocery.
+Thinking that an opportunity was afforded to see something<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> worth taking
+a note of, I ran for the spot in time to see the difficulty. I found
+there a man, holding with each hand a boy, and both of the juveniles
+making frantic efforts to release themselves from his grasp. The man was
+a small, cadaverous-appearing individual, a compound of gamboge and
+chalk, the gamboge predominating. There was a tinge of yellow in his
+face, he had yellow hair, and he had on a suit of summer clothes, made
+of some yellow material. Nature had favored him with a dwarfed
+moustache, composed of twenty-eight yellow hairs, and also an incipient
+beard, made up of seventy-six yellow hairs, and turned out in the shape
+of a triangle, the base of which rested upon the chin, at the point
+where it begins to retreat, and the apex of which reached the middle of
+his under lip.</p>
+
+<p>"The appearance of the boys would indicate that they were of Irish
+birth. One had a squint-eye and a head of hair which the youth of
+America are accustomed to designate as 'brick-top.' His snub nose was
+ordinarily directed to an imaginary point in the heavens, about
+forty-five degrees above the horizon. His garments were not altogether
+the style which would be pronounced <i>au fait</i>, by a Broadway leader of
+the fashion. It would seem that he had only one purpose in view in
+jumping into the afore<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>said garments, which purpose was, not to create a
+sensation, either by the accuracy of their fit, or the newness of the
+material, but rather to cover his form, and keep out the cold, at such
+times as the clerk of the weather was induced to fetch up "heated terms"
+all standing, and give us a specimen of the temperature, perhaps
+somewhat mollified, which is supposed to exist in the immediate vicinity
+of Symmes Hole. The description of one of the boys will do very well for
+the other, except that in some particulars he was a little more so, and
+in others a little less, which statement, gentlemen, I consider
+sufficiently definite for all practical purposes.</p>
+
+<p>"The sympathies of the bystanders seemed to be decidedly in favor of the
+boys, who were so violent in their resistance that the man could hold
+them only with great difficulty. Once they tripped him, and then all
+three fell over a barrel of turnips, upsetting a barrel-cover containing
+apples; but the man was enabled to continue his hold on the boys. At
+last, when one of them, by tangling his leg around the man, upset him
+into a tub of pickles, the man called out, in a shrill voice, 'Vatch!
+vatch!' All this transpired amid the shouts of the lookers-on. 'Go in,
+blinky,' said one. 'Keep a going, sour krout,' said another; and various
+were the remarks<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> of this character which were heard. But, as usual, the
+police were not at hand, and the sequel proved that their absence was
+rather to be desired than otherwise. Notwithstanding the fact that the
+sympathies of the crowd were apparently in favor of the boys, yet the
+general feeling seemed to be that the merits of the case should be
+understood, and when the boys made an effort to escape, they were
+prevented; and when the vanquished German had extricated himself from
+the pickle-tub, one of the persons asked what the boys had done.</p>
+
+<p>"'Do,' said the grocery-keeper, 'dey do so much as to sends dem to de
+States brison. Dey is de vorst poys as runs in de shtreets. De oder
+night dey comes here to mine shtore-crocery a koople of times, and ven I
+vas not see dem, dey ketch my cats by de dails, and dies vire-crackers
+to de cat's dail, on de shtep-valk, and den sets vire to de crackers,
+and trows de cats down. Den de cats she runs like de tuyvel into de
+shtore so much scare. She yump all around on de counters, over into de
+barrels, breaks into bieces some new bottles vat I buy yust, sets vire
+to some paper vat vas lay on de counters, tumbles over ebery dings vat
+vas in de vay, and gets all shplitter shplatter mixed up togedder. I
+find some shweet oil bottles shpill in de box fon green dea; she knock<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>
+down fom de shelf a big match-box, vich hold a gross fon matches, and
+dey go off and shmell so vorse mit primstone as if de tuyvel had moved
+into mine shtore-crocery, and I can't tell you so much damage as it do;
+and ven I look for de cats, I find her about an hour rolled up in a
+pasket fon green beas, mit all de hair scorch off de pehind side fon
+her. Dis vas on Saturday night vill be two veeks.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Why didn't you catch them then?' asked one of the party.</p>
+
+<p>"'Ketch dem,' said the grocery-man; 'pefore I vas get over mine scare,
+dey vas run avay, and you might yust so vell try to find a needle mit a
+hay-shtacks as to find dem. But I tells de constopples about dem, and
+dey say dey vill look out for dem. Vell, two tree days go by, and von
+morning I comes down shtairs to unlocks de door fon mine shtore-crocery.
+De key vas in de inside de door, and ven I durns dem round to unlock dem
+yust, I hears some-dings shoot off on de oder side de door. I vas much
+scare, and I runs up shtairs, for I dinks some feller vants to shoot me,
+and I sends my vife out de oder door to look round on de shtep-walk, and
+see who vas dere. Ven she come back she say der bin no beeples dere, and
+so I go vonce more to unlocks de door. I durns de key so quick as I can,
+ven pop!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> crack! shoot! I hears again de noise. I vas so much scare dat
+I falls over, and I bulls de door open. Ven I finds I vas not shoot, I
+looks in de lock and finds dere some bieces baper, vat you make de
+little vite vire-crackers&mdash;you call'&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Torpedoes,' suggested one of the persons present.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, dorpedoes,' resumed the German, 'dat's the name.'</p>
+
+<p>"'How do you know these boys put torpedoes in your lock?' asked one.</p>
+
+<p>"'I know it so vell as I vants to know,' was the response.</p>
+
+<p>"'Did you see 'em do it, or did anybody else? was the next question.</p>
+
+<p>"'No, I did not see dem do it, but I know it was dem I can, shvear it
+vas dem,' said the confident accuser.</p>
+
+<p>"'Pretty good swearin,' said a man in a red shirt. 'Say, old sour
+krout,' he continued, 'what else have the boys done?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Mine Gott!' said the corner grocery-man, despairingly, 'is dat not
+enough vat I have tell you? Ven I go out my shtore-crocery for a minute,
+vonce dey durns de shpiggot fon de lager bier and vinegar parrells, and
+dey runs out in de floor and vaste; ven doy see me in de shtreets dey
+calls me '<i>Old nicht's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> cum araus, sour kraut, sprech Deutsch.</i>' Dey
+finds dead rats, and trovs dem on mine awning till dey shmells so bad;
+dey brings an old barber's pole, and sets dem up before mine
+shtore-crocery, on vich vas paint, 'shaving done here,' and ven de
+beeples see de sign, dey laughs and say good, and it make all mine
+customers dink dat I cheat dem.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Is that all?' inquired a bystander.</p>
+
+<p>"'No,' said the German, emphatically, 'I can tell you more as dat.'</p>
+
+<p>"'But how do you know these boys did all these things,' inquired
+another.</p>
+
+<p>"'All de beeples say dey is de fellers,' was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"'What did they do to-night?' inquired another of the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>"'Vell I tell you dat,' said the persecuted merchant. To night I vas
+shtand in front von mine shtore, to talk mit a carman, who have bring
+some dings to me. Pretty soon, he get on his cart and drive off, and ven
+he shtart, a parrell von botatoes, dat shtand on de edge fon de
+shtep-valk, tip over in de shtreet, and de botatoes fall out and
+shcatter about, and the parrell it go yumping along de shtreets, mit de
+cart; I holler for de carman and he shtop. Ven I go to see, I find dat a
+rope vas tie round the parrel, and hitch to de cart-veel close; vell,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> I
+bick up de botatoes, and put de parrel vonce more on de shtep-valk, and
+keep vatch. Soon I see dese boys come along, and dey look at me mit de
+tuyvel in deir eyes, and I know it vas dem. Yust den I run and ketch
+dem.'</p>
+
+<p>"The details of the case being pretty well understood, it became a
+question with the crowd what should be done. The general opinion was
+that the boys were wrong in their continued annoyances of the Dutchman,
+though they did not think the case was one sufficiently aggravated to
+justify their being turned over either to the police or to the vengeance
+of the grocery-man. At last a portly old Knickerbocker, who had laughed
+heartily at the Dutchman's narration, essayed to act as spokesman.</p>
+
+<p>"'What's your name,' said he to one of the boys with assumed gravity.</p>
+
+<p>"'Mike Hannegan,' said he, 'and this 'ere boy is Barney Doolan.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh, you young rascals,' continued the gentleman, 'you deserve to be
+arrested for your bad ways. You are very bad boys, you know you are,
+whether you are the ones who have bothered the Dutchman or not. He
+guessed right, I think, in supposing you to be the boys. But if these
+gentlemen will let you off, will you stop troubling him in the future?'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, sir,' said both of the boys, meekly.</p>
+
+<p>"'Then cut stick, both of you,' said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Just then an individual with a remarkable loaferish air, dressed in a
+blue single-breasted frock coat, with a row of military buttons, a blue
+cap with silver mountings, and a brass star on his breast&mdash;an
+individual, in brief, known as a policeman&mdash;arrived on the spot, and
+inquired what was the trouble. After informing him that he was a day
+after the fair, I left the vicinity."</p>
+
+<p>When Mr. Van Dam concluded, on motion of Mr. Boggs it was</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, that the members of the club do now proceed, each man for
+himself, to light his pipe.</p>
+
+<p>The resolution was acceded to without a dissenting voter.</p>
+
+<p>Dennis, Wagstaff, and Overdale, as usual, had been investigating in
+company, Overdale taking the lead, and Wagstaff taking notes, and all
+three occasionally taking egg-noggs.</p>
+
+<p>A unanimous call was made for Wagstaff's notebook, which was immediately
+forthcoming.</p>
+
+<p>The reading of Mr. Wagstaff's notes was prefaced by statements on the
+part of Dennis and Overdale which made the following facts apparent to
+the club. The previous evening the three went into a Green<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>wich street
+bar-room, on the invitation of Overdale to pay a visit to Delmonico's,
+to get a piece of pie and some cigars. Whilst partaking of the order, a
+singular person entered the room. His beauty was decidedly of the
+yard-stick character. He was long as a projected Iowa railroad, and as
+symmetrical as a fence-rail; his face was as expressionless as the head
+of Shakspeare which is seen on the drop-curtain of the Broadway Theatre,
+surrounded by a triple row of attenuated sausages. His square and
+angular shoulders made him resemble a high-shouldered pump, while his
+arms moved with as much ease and grace as the handle to the same. Long,
+black hair, parted in the middle, was soaped down until the oleaginous
+ends reposed upon the unctuous collar of his seedy coat. His
+shirt-collar, guiltless of starch, was unbuttoned at the neck and laid
+far back over his vest, doubtless to display a neck which, had it been
+cut off, was long enough to tie.</p>
+
+<p>He had seated himself, and had settled down into a misanthropic quiet,
+when a little stubby man, with one eye&mdash;the very ideal of a Washington
+market butcher&mdash;happened to enter. As soon as the first-mentioned
+subject saw him, he jumped up, rushed at the stubby man, and had hardly
+touched him, before a blow from the fist of the stubby man caused<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> him
+to collapse on the floor. The stubby man followed up his success by
+pulling the nose of his fallen enemy, and threatening to give him a
+"tolerable shake-up, if he ever came round his shop agin'."</p>
+
+<p>The conflict was brief, as it soon drew in quite a crowd, and amongst
+others a policeman. The tall man was pointed out as the aggressor, but
+the stubby man said "he didn't want to appear agin' the crack-brained
+cuss; that he guessed he (the said cuss) had got the worst of it."</p>
+
+<p>But the assembled multitudes were not satisfied. They thought it was due
+to them that they should have an explanation, and as the tall individual
+seemed anxious, and the stubby individual didn't make any objections, a
+ring was formed to give the parties a chance to be heard.</p>
+
+<p>The stubby man said that while the other was "exercisin' his jaw, he'd
+have some ham'neggs;" whilst he was eating, the tall individual told his
+story, which was one of blighted hopes, disappointed expectations,
+unrequited love, and unappreciated genius. Wagstaff's notes of his words
+read as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"'My name is Julius Jenkins, and I have a cousin named Betsey Brown; I
+love my cousin Betsey; have always loved my cousin Betsey, from the time
+when as children we tore in loving partnership our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> mutual pantalets and
+petticoats (for these legs once wore pantalets, and their symmetry was
+hidden from admiration by petticoats), looking for blackberries in a
+cedar-swamp; from the time we sucked eggs together in the barn-yard and
+'teetered' in happy sport upon the same board; from the time we built
+playhouses in the garden and made puppy-love behind the currant bushes;
+from those happy days of rural felicity until the present time, my
+cousin Betsey has been the ideal of my soul. We used to eat bread and
+milk out of the same bowl, dig angleworms with the same shovel, go
+fishing in the same creek, steal apples from the same orchard, and crawl
+through the same hole in the fence when the man chased us. Through all
+my lonely life the memory of cousin Betsey has been my guardian angel. I
+have been exposed to dire temptations; once I was reduced to such
+extremity that I was about to earn my dinner by sawing wood, but my
+cousin Betsey seemed to rise before me and say, "Julius, don't degrade
+yourself;" and I didn't. I cast the saw to the earth, and begged my
+dinner from a colored washerwoman. I once accepted a situation as a
+clerk in a retail grocery. I stayed a week, but on every barrel of
+sugar, on every bar of soap, in every keg of lard, in each individual
+potato, in every bushel in all the cellar, I saw the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> reproachful face
+of my cousin Betsey; it rose before me from the oily depths of the
+butter-firkin, and from the cratery interior of the milk-can; the very
+peanuts rose up in judgment against me, and had on each separate end a
+speaking likeness of my cousin Betsey, which said, "Julius, don't
+degrade yourself;" I couldn't stand it; in the darkness of night I
+packed up my wardrobe (comprising one shirt of my own and two I borrowed
+from a neighboring clothes-line), helped myself to the small change, and
+vanished; I became a painter, I executed a portrait of my cousin Betsey;
+I asked a critical friend to see my masterpiece; he gazed a moment, and
+then asked me which was the tail end; the dolt! he thought I meant it
+for a pig; I wrote poetry to my cousin Betsey, but the printer returned
+it because I spelled Cupid with a K, and put the capitals at the wrong
+end of my words; the uninformed ass; he did not understand the
+eccentricities of genius; I became an actor, and attempted Othello; at
+the rise of the curtain I was saluted with a shower of onions from
+appreciative friends, and at its fall I was presented by the manager
+with a brush, to which he added his gratuitous advice that I should keep
+the paint on my face and go into the boot-blacking business; I turned
+composer, but could never get my "Bootjack Waltz" published, or my
+oratorio of "The Ancient Applewo<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span>man" before the public; at last my
+cousin Betsey came to live in the city, and I thought once more to
+possess her love, but I found a rival; a one-eyed butcher; I wrote
+letters to her; I know that they should have been tied with blue ribbon,
+but necessity dictated cotton twine; I sent her presents; not so
+valuable as I could have wished; my intention was good but my means were
+limited; I could have wished to offer gold and jewels, but I could never
+afford more than a string of smelts, or half a pint of huckleberries; I
+resolved to serenade my cousin Betsey; I procured a violin, strung with
+the daintiest filaments ever made from the bowels of the most delicate
+female feline infant; I repaired beneath her window and commenced my
+song, but the butcher came to the window, threw down a dime, and told me
+to go away; he took me for an organ-grinder; I indignantly stamped the
+money into the earth, but thought<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>
+
+
+
+again, picked it up and purchased some brandy to nerve me for a<span class="floatr">
+<img src="images/illus041.jpg" alt="fiddler"  /></span>
+desperate deed; I had resolved to see that butcher, to meet that
+butcher, to challenge that butcher, to fight that butcher, to conquer
+that butcher or to die; yesterday I went to that butcher's shop to
+execute my design, but he kicked me out. To day I came in here in
+despair; who should come in but the butcher; now was my chance; I rushed
+at him, but my personal strength was not equal to the task; he boxed my
+ears, pulled my nose, and I was cheated out of my revenge, simply
+because I wasn't able to lick him. Now I demand of this intelligent
+assembly, as a matter of right, the instant annihilation of the one-eyed
+butcher now present, the author of all my miseries, that my Betsey may
+be restored to me.'</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Jenkins sank into a chair, exhausted by his effort.</p>
+
+<p>"The butcher wiped his chops on a red silk handkerchief, and then
+proceeded to tell his story, which was as follows, as appears by
+Wagstaff's notes;</p>
+
+<p>"'This here feller's allers botherin' my wife, 'cause he says she's
+his'n; yesterday he gits drunk, comes in my place, and wants to fight
+me. I told him to leave, and he wouldn't, so I hussled him out. I
+happened to come in here jus' now, and he comes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> at me. I doubles him
+up, and that's the hull story.'</p>
+
+<p>"The laconic statement of the one-eyed stubby butcher satisfied the
+parties assembled that Mr. Jenkins's insane pursuit of another man's
+wife had justly brought upon him the indignation of the husband, and he
+was advised very generally, in the future, to cease all importunities of
+a similar character.</p>
+
+<p>"Finding that his story excited no sympathy in his behalf, Mr. Jenkins
+left the place in disgust, and the three Elephantines soon after left in
+an omnibus."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout here arose, and said he liked the story in all of its parts,
+except the concluding joke, which he considered to be, not only unkind,
+but uncalled for. He should take the liberty of considering it expunged
+from the records.</p>
+
+<p>Some member here dared to suggest that it was high time that the
+Higholdboy should do something else than criticise the contributions of
+his fellow-members.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout desired it to be understood that he should admit of no
+dictation from inferiors; that he should exercise his own discretion in
+deciding whether he would contribute to the amusement of others, or
+criticise them in their efforts to be jolly. Yet, without giving up any
+of this right, he would volun<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span>teer to lay before the club, on the
+present occasion, a matter which, to him, possessed some points of
+interest, and as he didn't care whether it interested the others or not,
+he should state facts for his own amusement. He intended to laugh at
+everything which he thought was funny, without any reference to the
+comfort of others.</p>
+
+<p>"The circumstance which I am about to relate," said Mr. Spout, "is one
+in which a friend of mine was involved. My friend's name," he continued,
+"is Bartholomew Buxton. He is the owner of a book-store, and was led
+into that business on account of a thirst for reading. He is a man of
+about thirty-five years, and his whole life has been passed in poring
+over books. I regard him as a man of very rare intelligence, though his
+intellect is not, perhaps, very fruitful of original thoughts. What is
+remarkable with him is his personal appearance. He is a little man, just
+large enough to be entitled to enter the army&mdash;that is to say,
+'five-foot-four.' His body is very small, and his head very large,
+round, and full. His hair is of a sandy color, and of the scratch wig
+order of cut. His eyes are small, and one of them squints frightfully.
+His complexion is quite pale. In the matter of dress, he wears usually a
+pair of pants of a checker-board-pattern-on-a-large-<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span>scale cloth, blue
+dress-coat, ornamented with large fancy brass buttons, and a vest&mdash;a
+double-breaster&mdash;of the brightest scarlet. But these eccentricities in
+apparel would hardly attract attention so long as the main feature of
+his dress is visible. That feature is his collar. It is a remarkable
+collar&mdash;a mighty rampart of linen, which encircles his head in a line
+with the centres of his ears, almost meeting in his face. Numerous
+reasons have been assigned for Mr. Buxton's going to such lengths (or
+rather heights) in his indulgence in collar. One idea advanced is, that
+he is actuated by a desire to economize in the expenses of washing, and
+to do this, has the garments made in such a way as to be convertible
+into collars at either end. Another suggestion is, that the collar is a
+matter of utility, designed by Mr. Buxton to economize physical
+strength, which, inasmuch as his head is very large and his body very
+small, must be overtaxed to hold his ponderous brain-box erect.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, three days since I received a call from my friend Buxton. He
+appeared melancholy and dejected, which surprised me; but what surprised
+me more, in respect to his present appearance, was the manifest
+disarrangement of his collar. It did not stand up on one side with the
+majestic erect<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span>ness which characterized it on the other. On the left it
+was hanging down flabbily; its self-sustaining power was departed.</p>
+
+<p>"I saw, by his countenance, that something important to him had
+occurred, and the appearance of his collar only tended to confirm my
+suspicions. I accordingly asked him what was the trouble.</p>
+
+<p>"'Trouble,' said he, 'enough of it. Sir,' he continued, 'last night I
+was locked up in a cell at the station-house, for exercising the
+privileges of a freeman&mdash;a native American citizen. I was arrested, and
+violently dragged off to that cell, where I remained last night, and
+this morning was tried before the magistrate, only, however, to be
+acquitted. What made it worse was, that I should be arrested with a
+nigger, and be tried with a nigger, and acquitted with a nigger. He was
+a huge nigger&mdash;a colossal nigger&mdash;a nigger fully six feet and four
+inches in height; his face betrayed no evidence of light&mdash;it was all
+shade; he was a nigger, above all others, so black, that he would make
+an excellent drum-major to a funeral procession, if custom sanctioned
+the employment of that non-commissioned official on such occasions.
+Inasmuch, however, as custom doesn't do any such thing, the next best
+use to which the sable giant could be put, would be to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> make his face
+the figurehead of a Broadway mourning store; with the exception of his
+large size and remarkable black face, the nigger in question looked very
+much like other niggers not in question. He was a nigger, in fact, who
+gave as his name the half-classic and half-descriptive appellation of
+Cesar Freeman. I have always been a "woolly-head" until now, but may I
+be bursted if I don't go and join the Know Nothings to-morrow, and begin
+a crusade against all niggers&mdash;particularly nigger-giants and nigger
+women.</p>
+
+<p>"'How did this occur?' I inquired, anxiously.</p>
+
+<p>"'I'll tell you,' said he. 'But before doing so however, I desire to
+state a fact. We have all our human weaknesses; indeed, it may be set
+down as a truism that human beings do have human weaknesses to a greater
+or less extent; I am a human being; I have my human weakness, and that
+weakness is my collars; it required years of experiment to bring my
+collars to their present perfection; nearly all of the quarrels I ever
+had have been with laundresses who have failed to do them up to my
+liking; if a man wishes to ruffle my temper he need only to ruffle my
+collar, and it is accomplished; tell me the Savings Bank, where I
+deposit my extra money, has collapsed in the region of the money-vault;
+tell me that I have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> got to attend a charity ball; give me the jumping
+toothache; place me in a Bowery stage with fourteen inside, and I in
+juxtaposition to a dirty woman with a squalling baby who has got the
+seven years' itch&mdash;all of these I can bear, but when it comes to
+interfere with my collars it is going a point too far. Now I come to the
+time when unforeseen circumstances brought me in violent collision with
+this nigger of African extraction; I was walking down the street, near
+where the belligerent demonstration took place, when I saw directly in
+front of me a long-tailed man in an amiable-appearing coat&mdash;no&mdash;an
+amiable-appearing coat in a long-tailed&mdash;no&mdash;I mean an amiable-appearing
+man in a long-tailed coat. For my life I could not conceive why that
+amiable individual's proclivities in matters of apparel should lead him
+to wear a garment of so ridiculous a cut. I had just come to the sage
+conclusion that it was because every donkey in the country chooses to
+have his hips appear high or low to suit the caprice of Broadway
+tailors, when at that moment the amiable person, together with his
+long-tailed coat, was driven from my mind. I became suddenly conscious
+that an important event had transpired. An elderly female nigger, in
+throwing water on a store-window which she was cleaning, did not confine
+her professional favors<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> exclusively to the window for which she had
+been hired, but she disbursed copious supplies of Croton upon the
+passers-by, for which she had not been hired. In fact, I am bold to
+assert, that several persons were favored with several gratuitous
+duckings by this colored female. I was one of those persons; a bountiful
+current of water interrupted the current of my thoughts; like a juvenile
+Niagara, it dashed against my collar in the left side, as you can see.
+Now, my collar is impervious to perspiration, but it could not stand up
+under the soaking of a cataract; as my collar fell my choler rose; I
+looked around at the sable author of my troubles, and I saw on her face
+an exultant grin at what she had done. I felt as if I would like to have
+crammed a wet broom which she had in her hand down her throat, splint
+end downwards; for obvious reasons I did not do this; but I did speak to
+her in language expressive of my emphatic disapprobation of the
+unasked-for and informal baptism with which she had been pleased to
+favor me; I suppose my words must have frightened her; at any rate she
+fell off from a stool on which she was elevated; she gave a scream; this
+black Hercules came down the stairs; she informed him that I had
+insulted her; he looked at me with his teeth grinning as if he would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span>
+like to have eaten me without gravy or condiment; he gave one diabolical
+grin, and then came at me. I am not pugnacious; a lamb-like
+inoffensiveness has ever been my prominent characteristic; I have a
+constitutional repugnance to a fight, either with weapons natural or
+artificial; if loaded fire-arms are around I never feel so safe as when
+I see the butt-ends pointed at my vital parts; though not a member of
+the Peace Society, yet that society has ever had in me an ardent
+sympathizer; peaceful though I be, yet, when the sleeping lion within me
+is aroused, I know no bounds to my rage, and I insist upon going about,
+seeking whom I may devour; I saw the belligerent attitude of my enemy;
+he struck me; we grappled; an insatiable desire to taste the flesh of a
+colored man at that instant seized upon me; in a moment the digits of
+his right hand were between my teeth; I know that for a moment or two
+hostilities were active; I became conscious, too, that hostilities
+ceased; I soon learned the cause; the cause was the arrival of two
+policemen, who are always around when they shouldn't be, and never when
+they should. I was brought to the station-house.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, what took place before the court?' I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"'At seven this morning,' said Buxton, 'we were brought before the
+judge, and put in a pen; on one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> side of me was the aforesaid nigger,
+and on the other side a disgusting piece of feminine humanity; an
+importation from Ireland, who had just come off from a bender. Our names
+were finally called, the nigger's first, by all that's holy. Two
+officers who arrested us were the witnesses; they testified that on last
+evening, about dusk, they were engaged in conversation on the corner of
+a street which forms the boundary line between their respective beats,
+when they saw a crowd collected on the sidewalk, about a square above;
+they ran there, and they saw me and the nigger engaged in a fight; they
+said that the nigger was striking me violently with his left fist; his
+right hand was between my teeth, while I was kicking and striking the
+nigger very generally and promiscuously, and a nigger woman who was
+present was laying the blows on me with a broom whenever she could; at
+that moment they arrested me and the nigger; it required all their
+strength to secure us, such was the violence of our efforts to get away;
+hence they were unable to take the woman into custody.</p>
+
+<p>"'The judge showed the cussed bad taste to ask the nigger to make his
+statement first. The nigger said that I had insulted his wife, and had
+made improper proposals to her; that made me wrathy; I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> told him that he
+was guilty of uttering a falsehood before the court; emphatically
+pronounced his assertion relative to my making an insulting proposal to
+that feminine lump of animated charcoal, with whom he very properly
+cohabited, to be an unequivocal lie; I am no controversalist, and still
+less would I descend from my exalted height to engage in a controversy
+with that herculean African, especially after enduring the perspiration,
+which, despite my frantic efforts to the contrary, I was compelled to
+suffer during a hot night, in a cell where any respectable thermometer,
+if it could be induced to go into the cell once, if it was anything at
+all, would be a hundred at least; yes, sir,' he continued, 'and should
+you ever have a morbid desire to enter into controversy, recline your
+heated form of a hot night in the cell which I occupied, and by morning
+you will insist upon retiring into some secluded spot, from which
+secluded spot you can look dispassionately and unmoved upon the moral
+strifes of the world.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, the up-shot of the matter was that both of us were discharged.'</p>
+
+<p>"I gave Mr. Buxton what consolation I could, after which he took his
+departure to put on a new collar."</p>
+
+<p>When Mr. Spout had concluded his narration, he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> proceeded to awaken such
+of the members of the club as were still present, telling them that it
+was time to go home. But he did not succeed in fully arousing them to an
+appreciation of the lateness of the hour, until he had put ice into
+their boot-legs and shirt-bosoms.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class="center"> <a name="The_Club_in_an_Uproar" id="The_Club_in_an_Uproar"></a>
+<img src="images/illus042.jpg" alt="heading"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 18em;"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span>
+Now doth the little busy bee<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Improve each shining hour</span><br />
+And gather honey all the day<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">From every opening&mdash;</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p><b>TOWARDS</b><span class="floatl"><img src="images/illus044.jpg" alt="fight"  /></span>  nine o'clock one evening, the members of the club had
+casually convened in the club-room, although no notice had been given
+that they were to assemble on that occasion. The only absentee was
+Johnny Cake, but this created no surprise, as the wonder was, not why
+any member was absent, but why so many were present.</p>
+
+<p>An hour was passed in discussing the current events of the day, when
+some member suggested, that if anybody had anything to offer, either
+amusing or instructive, an excellent opportunity was now afforded.</p>
+
+<p>It so happened that Mr. Remington Dropper had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> in his pocket a quantity
+of foolscap, on which he had written a statement of certain experience,
+with which he had been favored on the previous day.</p>
+
+<p>A general wish was expressed that Mr. Dropper might make himself useful
+in the exigency. He consented, and after the members had lighted their
+pipes, the barkeeper had been signalized for eight whisky-punches, and
+the Higholdboy had seated himself in his chair, the meeting was declared
+to be duly organized.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dropper commenced:</p>
+
+<p>"Yesterday," said he, "I had the pleasure of seeing our favorite
+quadruped as he appeared on Broadway, from an omnibus, whilst on a
+voyage from the South Ferry to Union Square. At half-past two o'clock I
+went over the ferry to Hamilton Avenue, Brooklyn. Having transacted my
+business, set out on my return, jumped aboard the ferry-boat and was
+soon on the New York side; stepped outside the gate, when I was beset by
+two dozen different omnibus agents, and as many different drivers. 'Here
+y'ar, right up Broadway.' 'Wide awake, 'ere Bower' un' Gran' street.'
+'Right up Broadway, Sixth Avenue.' 'Here's Broad'ay, Bleeck' street, un'
+Eigh thavenue.' 'Here y'ar Bowery un' Ouston street.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'I want to go to Greenwich Avenue,' said a timid old gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>"'Here y'ar,' said the agent, as he took the old gentleman by the seat
+of his pantaloons, and threw him head first into an East Broadway stage.</p>
+
+<p>"The old gentleman, as soon as he could recover from his astonishment,
+looked out of the window at the agent.</p>
+
+<p>"'Sir,' said he, 'does this stage carry me to Greenwich Avenue?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Certing,' was the prompt reply, 'you'll get there, never fear. Here's
+Eas' Broadway un' Dry Dock.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Where do you want to go madam?' asked the Ninth Avenue stage-agent of
+a lady accompanied by a little boy.</p>
+
+<p>"'To the Crystal Palace,' said the lady.</p>
+
+<p>"'Here y'ar then,' said he, as he placed her in the stage which probably
+stopped fully three quarters of a mile from the place.</p>
+
+<p>"At last, all the persons desiring to ride had secured seats in stages,
+but whether <i>the</i> stages they desired is quite doubtful. I jumped in a
+Broadway and Fourteenth street stage, the agent gave the door two slams,
+and off we started. The passengers were an old maid with a poodle dog, a
+young miss who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> had just put on a long dress, a German, an old buffer
+who occupied space for two, and myself. Suddenly we stopped in Whitehall
+street, on our larboard side we find ourselves caught against a Sixth
+Avenue stage coming down, and our starboard quarter caught against the
+hubs of a cart. Carman apologetic&mdash;Sixth Avenue stage-driver affable.
+Passengers frightened. Maiden lady with poodle dog exclaimed, 'Oh, dear
+me!' Poodle dog barked. Fat gentleman thought that stage-drivers
+now-a-days were growing too careless. Got under way. Sighted Bowling
+Green off our port bow. Female from Ireland with native infant hailed
+the vehicle. Driver stopped. Female from Ireland tumbled up the steps.
+Driver slammed the door, which struck the female from Ireland a severe
+blow in the rear. Result, female from Ireland lying prostrate on the
+floor, and native infant lying around loose on the person of the old
+maid, in the particular premises claimed by the poodle dog. Poodle dog
+barked and snapped at native infant; native infant cried. Old maid
+scolds female from Ireland. Female from Ireland takes up native infant,
+and anathematizes poodle dog. Fat gentleman suggests that it's all the
+result of the recklessness of the driver. Old lady and female from
+Ireland pacified. German female, with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> a basket of dirty clothes, seeks
+admittance. Driver accommodating. Enter German female, and exit myself.
+Take my position on top with the driver. Band of music heard in the
+direction of Wall street. Target company turn into Broadway. Inebriated
+negro carrying a target, on which is inscribed, 'Michael Flinn Guard,
+Capt. Pat. Sweeny.' Horse attached to a buggy coming down Broadway,
+unused to military demonstrations&mdash;unaccustomed to the noises of sixteen
+German gentlemen, making frantic efforts to blow their brains out
+through brass horns. Horse rears and plunges into the rank and file of
+the Michael Flinn Guard. Consternation of the infantry at an unexpected
+attack from the cavalry. Cavalry triumphant. Michael Flinn Guard
+commence throwing stones at individual in the buggy. Individual drives
+off. Plethoric German scrapes himself up, and finds the starch entirely
+taken out of his ophicleide. German with light moustache has lost the
+mouth-piece of his E flat saxe horn; Michael Flinn Guards endeavoring to
+find their arms. Irish corporal unable to discover his bayonet. First
+lieutenant finds his sword run through the tenor drum. Ambitious private
+finds the pewter cake-basket he won as a prize, with the butt end of a
+musket through it. Guns in several instances in fragments; swords<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>
+broken; brass horns disjointed, and, as a consequence, music <i>non est</i>.
+By general consent, Michael Flinn Guards break ranks and disperse. Lady
+with hoop skirts hails the driver. Driver again obliging. Enter hoop
+skirts. Gentleman with a baby-wagon hails driver. 'Whoa-'p.' Astonishing
+driver. Gentleman lifts up the baby-wagon on the top. Driver receives
+it, and gently smashes it in pieces. Gentleman gets inside. Dropsical
+individual on the starboard quarter hails us. The gentleman enters, and
+again we are under way. Teutonic target company turn into Broadway from
+Courtlandt street&mdash;'The Lager Bier Invincibles, Capt Conrad K&uuml;nzm&uuml;ller.'
+Suddenly find ourselves smashed up amid a perfect labyrinth of carts,
+stages, buggies, wagons, horses, mules, cotton bales, boxes, furniture,
+drivers, policemen, passengers, pedestrians, &amp;c. A wagonload of dirt on
+our port side&mdash;wagon-driver unsophisticated; unused to driving in New
+York. In advance a cart having two bales of hay on board. Our horses,
+having nothing else to do, make efforts to get at the hay. Our driver
+again accommodating. He gets down and unchecks the horses. Horses
+proceed to make inroads upon property not belonging to the omnibus
+company. Carman discovers the larceny. Indignant carman. Hits our horses
+over the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> head with the butt end of his whip. Reciprocal indignation.
+Our driver gives carman a cut across his proboscis with a long lash.</p>
+
+<p>"Our progress continues.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"Fat gentleman impatient. Reasserts his previously-expressed conviction,
+that the stage is an imposition: says he'll get out. Driver insists on
+payment. Fat gentleman passes up a quarter. Driver passes him back a
+ten-cent piece and eight cents. Fat gentleman insists that he is
+swindled to the extent of one cent, which he demands. Driver very
+<span class="floatl"><img src="images/illus045.jpg" alt="gentleman"  /> </span>obliging, and 'don't he wish he may get it.' Fat gentleman gets out, but
+finds himself completely surrounded by vehicles, and without a
+possibility of being able to reach the curb-stone in safety, concludes
+to enter the stage again. Driver refuses to open the door. Fat gentleman
+demands to be admitted. Driver says he'll see him blowed first. Fat
+gentleman frantic, but driver incorrigible. At last fat gentleman gets
+on his hands and knees, and, after crawling under a team of horses and
+the tails of two carts, reaches the sidewalk. Again<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> moving. Irish
+female with native infant pulls the strap. Driver accommodating. Female
+inquires if this is a Bowery stage. Driver says no. Female insists upon
+getting out. Driver insists, with equal warmth, that, as a prior
+condition, she must disgorge a sixpence. Female indisposed to comply.
+Old maid with the poodle dog gives the strap three convulsive jerks.
+'Whoa-'p.' Old maid says that native infant, belonging to female from
+Ireland, has the ship fever. Female from Ireland indignantly denies the
+statement, and says that it is <i>only</i> the itch. Old maid swoons. Poodle
+dog barks at all the passengers generally, and the female from Ireland
+particularly. Dropsical gentleman puts some smelling-salts under the
+nose of old maid. Happy result. Old maid revives, and asks if anybody
+beside herself was injured by the explosion. Sight Fulton street off our
+starboard bow. Enter Fifth Avenue and Amity street stages, R. 1st
+Entrance. Exit Irish porter with a load of band-boxes, L. 1st Entrance,
+in time to save his bacon and band-boxes. New feature coming up Fulton
+street from the East River&mdash;'The Sour Krout Guards, Captain Wilhelm
+Stein,' in return from target excursion. Still another feature coming up
+Fulton street from North River&mdash;'The Patrick Gaffney Grenadiers, Captain
+Timothy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> Leahey,' on a return from target excursion. Two companies
+approach one another. Menacing looks on the part of the Sour Krout
+Guards. Bellicose attitude of the Gaffney Grenadiers. Belligerent
+manifestation of the Sour Krouts; corporal of the Gaffneys throws a
+brick at the Sour Krouts. Sour Krouts boiling over with indignation,
+make a demonstration. Both companies unused to the management of
+firelocks, but accustomed to war and carnage. They lay down their arms
+and take up their fists. General, promiscuous, and miscellaneous
+shoulder-hitting by the strength of both companies. Enter third party.
+Mad bull rushes down Broadway and pitches into the hottest of the fight,
+with horns down and tail up. Sour Krouts and Gaffneys in consternation
+fly from the scene of the struggle in all directions. Mad bull makes a
+descent into a mock auction shop. Stool pigeons and auctioneer all
+knocked down without a bidder. Sudden fall in pinchbeck watches. Bull
+stands for a moment in a contemplative mood over the devastation, and
+then walks away with a dignified air. Barnum's in sight. Lady and three
+children get inside. Female from Ireland with native infant concludes to
+pay the sixpence and get out. Astor House in the usual place. Barclay
+street in the distance. By way of variety,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> a company turn into
+Broadway, 'The Tugmutton Terribles, Captain Frightful Buster,' in a
+return from a target excursion at Hoboken. The captain elevated,
+lieutenants inebriated, privates intoxicated, the nigger target-bearer
+drunk&mdash;effect of having eaten too many ham sandwiches. Stage again
+immobile. Two Hoosiers get inside, and ask the driver to stop at the St.
+Nicholas Tavern. Funeral procession coming down Broadway. Forty-nine
+carriages. Learned that the remains of Dennis Hooligan, the keeper of a
+corner grocery in Hammersley street, were being conveyed to their last
+resting-place. Just as the hearse reaches Anthony street a ponderous
+cart crosses Broadway. Wheels fifteen feet in diameter. Steamboat boiler
+suspended under the axletree. Majestic vehicle fetches up all standing
+against a cart loaded with flour. Fall in breadstuffs. Prodigal
+distribution of flour. Hearse and funeral procession in close proximity.</p>
+
+<p>"Vehicles accumulate. Great commotion among drivers. Procession mixed up
+in an indiscriminate verbal war. At last hearse manages to go down
+towards the Five Points. The procession succeeds in getting out by
+turning in the other direction, except the rear portion, which, to my
+knowledge, never got out. Once more under way, and making<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> good time.
+Man with a gold-headed cane stops the stage, and passes up a five-cent
+piece. Driver swears, and advises him to ride in the cars hereafter.
+Driver suggests that he is full ten minutes behind time, and is bound to
+make it up. Lays on the lash, much to the surprise of the animals.
+Driver pulls up in front of the St. Nicholas Hotel, and announces the
+spot through the money-hole. Nobody essays to pass up any fare. Driver
+repeats the announcement. Nobody moves. Driver inquires, impatiently, if
+there ain't 'two fellers inside wot wanted to git out at the St.
+Nicholas Hotel.' Still no reply. Again the inquiry. One of the Hoosiers
+said he asked him to 'stop at the St. Nicholas tarvern, 'cause why,
+'cause he wanted to see it. He'd seen it enough; it was a purty nice
+tarvern, he reckoned, and he might drive on.' Driver gave the horses an
+extra cut, and we move again. Asthmatic party pulls the strap. After
+feeling in all of his pockets for two minutes, informs the driver that
+he left his <i>porte-monnaie</i> in his other pantaloons. Driver says the
+story won't go down&mdash;that the game is too old. Party tries to make his
+exit, but the door won't open, the driver holding hard on the strap.
+Asthmatic party threatens to horsewhip driver. Driver says, 'any time
+when conwenyent he hoped he'll make the trial.' Driver<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> about to start,
+when asthmatic party pulls out his jack-knife and cuts the strap.
+Asthmatic party triumphs. Driver, frantic with rage, throws an apple at
+asthmatic party, and hits asthmatic party on his knowledge-box.
+Asthmatic party falls, and upsets an apple-stand. Celtic female, the
+proprietor of the apple-stand, hits asthmatic party with a brick. Both
+parties close in, and fight amid the ruins of the apple-stand. Driver
+starts the horses, but looks around to watch the fight. Horses sheer off
+to the starboard, and the hub of the hind wheel breaks down a lamp-post.
+Driver observes policeman approaching at a rapid speed. No time to
+survey the ruins, so he applies the lash, and we move away from the
+scene of the mishap at a speed ominous of swift destruction to
+horse-shoes and wagon-tires. Female, with three children, calls out to
+stop, and passes up a three-dollar bill. Driver inquires if she hasn't
+got any change. Female gives a negative response. Driver gives change in
+small pieces, retaining as fare the moderate sum of seventy-five cents
+for a woman and three children. Woman attempts to count the change.
+Driver sings out to 'Hurry up&mdash;behind time&mdash;can't wait all day.' Female
+bewildered, leaves with her children, and driver whips up the horses,
+remarking that he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> 'guesses she'll learn, after a while, not to pass up
+bills for stage-fare.' Soon reach Union Square. Tell the driver I'll get
+off. Offer him a sixpence. Driver says, 'he'll not take a cent; that if
+there ever was a nout-'n'-outer, I'm one, and he hopes that it won't be
+the last time we'll meet; and if he only had time, he wouldn't let me
+off without treatin' me.' I thanked him for his good opinion, shook
+hands, and jumped off the box.</p>
+
+<p>"Thus, gentlemen," concluded Mr. Dropper, "ends the history of my voyage
+on an omnibus."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Quackenbush arose, and stated that he regarded Mr. Dropper's paper
+as a valuable addition to the historical writings of the country. He
+therefore moved that a gold medal be prepared by a committee of the
+club, of which the Higholdboy should not be an <i>ex-officio</i> member, for
+presentation to Mr. Dropper. Mr. Dropper to pay the whole expense of
+procuring the same, and to stand a champagne supper for the honor
+conferred on him.</p>
+
+<p>The motion was carried with only one dissenting voice&mdash;that of Mr.
+Dropper, who said he didn't want any such expensive and equivocal
+honors.</p>
+
+<p>The presiding officer informed Mr. Dropper that he was fined three cents
+for contempt of club.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Over an hour was now passed in a state of inac<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span>tivity. Some of the
+members slept and some didn't. As a means of inducing excitement of some
+kind, a member signalized the institution on the first floor for pork
+and beans for the entire crowd. This was promptly answered, and for a
+time the club had enough to engage its attention. After the aforesaid
+luxuries had been duly disposed of, the members proceeded to take seats,
+lie on the floor, prop themselves against the wall, and hang themselves
+up on a peg, as best suited their independent fancies. The presiding
+officer announced that the rules on this occasion would be enforced
+strictly. Accordingly, each individual present began to do exactly what
+pleased him, without any regard to the comfort, convenience, or personal
+predilections of anybody else. The Higholdboy first secured the left
+<span class="floatl"><img src="images/illus046.jpg" alt="higholdboy"  /> </span>boot of every member present. After pulling a boot on each leg of the
+table, he put one on each of his hands, like a gauntlet, and then laid
+the seventh on the table. The object of Mr. Spout, in pursuing this
+eccentric course of conduct, soon became apparent, when he laid himself
+on the table, using the aforesaid solitary boot as a pillow, it being
+manifest that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> he desired to preclude the possibility of an adjournment
+during the nap, and inasmuch as it would be found inconvenient for the
+members to leave the premises with but a single pedal covering, and as
+it would be impossible for a member to secure the other, without
+awakening the most venerable and exceedingly somnolent Higholdboy, it
+will be apparent to the credulous reader that Mr. Spout's idea was quite
+ingenious.</p>
+
+<p>Under these circumstances, each member determined to make himself as
+comfortable as the time, the place, and the conveniences would admit of.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Boggs was lying flat on his back, trying to drink a hot whisky-punch
+without breaking the tumbler, spilling the liquor, or getting the sugar
+inside his whiskers. Mr. Overdale was learning "juggling without a
+master," and was endeavoring to spin plates on his whalebone cane. In
+striving to acquire this elegant accomplishment, he had broken all the
+dishes in the premises. As he varied his plate-spinning endeavors with
+repeated trials at tossing the cups and balls, for which purpose he used
+the tumblers and coffee-cups, and as, whenever he caught one cup, he
+dropped two, and stepped on the fragments, the work of demolition went
+bravely on.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mr. Van Dam amused himself by blacking the faces of all the pictures in
+the room with charcoal. Dennis employed himself for an hour and a half
+in whittling off with a jack-knife one leg of every chair in the
+apartment, so as to make it four inches shorter than the rest. Wagstaff
+collected all the books he could find, and piled them into a shaky
+pyramid, which he was preparing to push over with a broomstick upon the
+head of the unconscious Higholdboy.</p>
+
+<p>Quackenbush had not been idle; taking advantage of the drowsiness of his
+superior officer, he had sewed the bottoms of that gentleman's
+pantaloons together with a waxed end, after which he made a moustache on
+himself with burned cork, and then painted the left side of his face in
+three-cornered patches like a sleepy harlequin, dyed his shirt-collar
+scarlet with red ink, and went to sleep in the corner to await the
+result, having first tripped up Mr. Overdale, who, by way of a new
+variation in his juggling performances, was now trying to balance the
+poker on his nose, while he held a rocking-chair in one hand and a
+hat-box full of oyster shells in the other. Dropper had a checker-board
+before him, and was superintending a game between his right and left
+hand.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>But suddenly, those of the Elephants who were in their waking senses,
+became sensible of a noise outside. It begun at the foot of the stairs,
+like the sound of a regiment of crazy Boston watchmen, all springing
+their rattles at once. The noise became louder, and seemed to be coming
+up the stairs, and now rivalled in sound a mail-train on a race. Now the
+uproar became more distinct, and evidently proceeded from some person or
+persons outside, who were provided with some ingenious facilities for
+kicking up a row, with which ordinary roisterers are unacquainted. These
+persons now began a furious attack upon the "outer walls." Mr. Overdale
+paused in his plate-breaking occupation, long enough to pour out a few
+emphatic sentences, addressed to the individuals outside, in which he
+consigned them to a locality too hot for a powder-mill, and then resumed
+his practice.</p>
+
+<p>As the door began to shake, Overdale laid down the poker, smashed what
+few large pieces of plates were left over the head of the recumbent
+Quackenbush, awoke the Higholdboy by rolling him off the table, aroused
+the rest of the party by a few kicks in the ribs, and then, undoing the
+fastenings of the door, was proceeding to expostulate with the
+disturbers. No sooner, however, had he opened the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> door, than a rush was
+made by the invaders, and Mr. Dropper upset by the besieging party. Mr.
+Dropper fell upon the stomach of the half-awakened Quackenbush, they
+both pitched into Mr. Boggs, and then all three rolled over the
+Higholdboy. This last-named personage, having the bottoms of his
+pantaloons sewed together, could not arise until the friendly jack-knife
+unfettered his lengthy legs. All parties being restored to the
+perpendicular, an immediate inquiry was made into the cause of the
+disturbance.</p>
+
+<p>Then it was discovered that the person who had kicked up this diabolical
+bobbery was no less a personage than the heretofore discreet and
+temperate Johnny Cake, aided and abetted by an individual unknown to the
+rest of the company, but whose appearance bespoke him to be one of the
+boys, who, although not an "Elephant," presented at first sight
+distinguished claims to be honored with that enviable distinction.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, Johnny Cake, the man who would never be persuaded to taste a glass
+of liquor of any kind, who had always endeavored to keep his companions
+from spirituous imbibition; the virtuous cold-waterite, whom the sight
+of a glass of brandy would give a cold chill, a whisky-punch throw into
+spasms, or a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> mug of "lager" give a teetotal convulsion, stood now
+before the astounded Elephantine brotherhood drunk, plainly, undeniably,
+unequivocally <i>drunk</i>.</p>
+
+<p>He had a black eye, and a swelled nose. His coat was on hind side
+before, and buttoned between his shoulders, while his pantaloons were
+entirely bereft of buttons, and were secured from parting company only
+by two pieces of telegraph-wire which, with commendable ingenuity, he
+had converted into extemporaneous metallic suspenders. His companion was
+in a singular state of derangement as to his personal attire, having no
+coat at all, and a red shirt over his nether continuations.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as the first expression of surprise was over, the Higholdboy,
+comprehending that something unusual had taken place, ordered the
+company to be seated. In obedience to this peremptory order from the
+most noble officer of the club, the Elephantines each took a seat, but
+as the inglorious young man before-mentioned had made the chairs
+exceedingly treacherous and insecure, by cutting off one leg of each,
+the immediate consequence of the attempt was another general
+sprawlification upon the floor, executed in a masterly manner by the
+entire strength of the company. After five minutes of vigorous polyglot
+profanity had somewhat relieved the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> feelings of the fallen
+Elephantines, and they had recovered their feet, they contrived to sit
+down; the chairs were as treacherous as ever, but being forewarned, the
+members were forearmed, and by dint of many exertions, contrived to
+maintain their seats with a tolerable show of dignity.</p>
+
+<p>Johnny Cake was too far gone to make any intelligible replies, or give
+any account of himself, and it was resolved to postpone his examination
+until he should get sober. His companion, however, who seemed to be
+something in the theatrical way, gave his own story in his own peculiar
+manner, but refused to enlighten the anxious brotherhood about poor
+Johnny.</p>
+
+<p>He possessed a facility of quotation equal to Richard Swiveller, Esq.'s,
+but he was as reckless about the exactitude of his extracts, and jumbled
+up his authorities with as much confusion as Captain Cuttle himself. He
+seldom gave a quotation right, but would break off in the middle and
+substitute some words of his own, or dovetail an irrelevant piece from
+some strange author, or mix up half-a dozen authors with interpolations
+of his own, in an inextricable verbal jumble.</p>
+
+<p>The Higholdboy and the stranger held the following conversation:</p>
+
+<p>"What's your name?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Peter Knight; am a native to the marrow-bone.&mdash;That's Shakspeare."</p>
+
+<p>"Young man, strange young man, young man to me unknown; young man of the
+peculiar hat and ruby shirt, I fear to adapt my conversation to your
+evident situation; that you're drunk, emphatically drunk, I repeat it,
+drunk&mdash;drunk was my remark&mdash;D&mdash;Runk, drunk."</p>
+
+<p>"It's true, 'tis pity; pity 'tis there isn't the devil a doubt of
+it.&mdash;That's Scott."</p>
+
+<p>"Where did you get your liquor?"</p>
+
+<p>"Where the bee sucks, there sucks Peter Knight all day. Thou base,
+inglorious slave, think'st thou I will reveal the noble name of him who
+gave me wine? No, sir-ee, Bob.&mdash;That's Beaumont and Fletcher."</p>
+
+<p>"Ante up or leave the board; that is to say fire away, let us know, we
+won't tell. Although we never drink, we like to know where drink we
+might get, in case of cholera, or colic."</p>
+
+<p>"I do remember an apothecary and here-abouts he dwells; no he don't, he
+lives over in the Bowery&mdash;but in his needy shop a cod-fish hangs, and on
+his shelves a beggarly account of empty bottles; noting this penury to
+myself, I said, if any man did need a brandy-punch, whose sale is fifty
+dollars fine in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> Gotham, here lives a caitiff wretch who has probably
+got plenty of it under the counter. Why should I here conceal my fault?
+Wine ho! I cried. The call was answered. I have no wine, said he, but
+plenty of whis&mdash;. Silence! thou pernicious caitiff, quoth I; thou
+invisible spirit of wine, since we can get thee by no other name, why
+let us call thee gin and sugar. He brought the juice of cursed juniper
+in a phial, and in the porches of my throat did pour Udolpho Wolfe's
+distilment. Thus was I by a Dutchman's hand at once dispatched&mdash;not
+drunk or sober&mdash;sent into the dirty streets three-quarters tight, with
+all my imperfections on my head. The fellow's name? My very soul rebels.
+But whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the cuffs and bruises of
+this bloody Dutchman or to take arms against his red-haired highness,
+and by informing end him? I go and it is done. Villain, here's at thy
+heart! His name, your Honor, is Bobblesnoffkin in the Bowery. That's
+Shakspeare mixed."</p>
+
+<p>"Young man, whose shirt has escaped from all control, and now hangs
+loose, the posterior section of which has also sustained a serious, and,
+I fear, irremediable fracture, I have another question to propound;
+answer upon your life. Have you got a home?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"My home is on the deep, deep sea.&mdash;That's Plutarch's Lives."</p>
+
+<p>"How do you get your living?"</p>
+
+<p>"Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt
+truth to be a liar, but never doubt that I'll get a living while the
+oyster-sloops don't have but one watchman.&mdash;That's Billy S. again."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you pay for your oysters?"</p>
+
+<p>"Base is the slave that pays; the speed of thought is in my
+limbs.&mdash;That's Byron."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you steal them and then run away?"</p>
+
+<p>"I've told thee all, I'll tell no more, though short the story be; let
+me go back where I was before and I'll get my living without troubling
+the corporation. That's Tom Moore, altered to suit circumstances."</p>
+
+<p>"You ought to dispense with the brandy and gin."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I could be happy with either, were 'tother dear charmer bottled up
+and the cork put in.&mdash;That's Dibdin with a vengeance."</p>
+
+<p>"Young man, I fear you've led our young friend, whom you now see asleep
+amongst the broken crockery, from the paths of sobriety. What do you
+suppose will become of you if you go on in this way?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Alas, poor Yorick!&mdash;Peter, I mean. Who knows where he will lay his
+bones? Few and short will the prayers be said, and nobody'll feel any
+sorrow: but they'll cram him into his clay-cold bed, and bury somebody
+else on the top of him to-morrow; the minister will come, put on his
+robe and read the service; the choir'll sing a hymn; earth to earth and
+dust to gravel, and that'll be the last of Peter Knight."</p>
+
+<p>The Higholdboy consulting with those members of the club who were still
+awake, it was resolved forthwith to put Peter Knight down stairs. As he
+went he remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"Fare thee well, and if for ever, all the better.&mdash;That's Byron, revised
+and corrected."</p>
+
+<p>Johnny Cake was manifestly too far gone to think of taking him to a
+hotel to sleep, and under these circumstances the club resolved itself
+into a committee of the whole, to remain in sleepy session all night, to
+take care of their prostrate fellow-member, Mr. Johnny Cake.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<p class="center"><a name="Johnny_Cakes_first_Spree" id="Johnny_Cakes_first_Spree"></a>
+<img src="images/illus047.jpg" alt="heading"  />
+</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 18em;"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span>
+Whatever is, is.</p>
+<p style="margin-left: 25em;">
+<span class="smcap">Wright.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p> <b>IN</b> the last chapter of this veritable history is related the
+unexpected and unusually thorough inebriation of Mr. John I. Cake, from
+<span class='floatl'><img src="images/illus049.jpg" alt="Johnny"  /> </span>the verdant prairies of Illinois. The alcoholically-saturated condition
+of Johnny's corporosity, on the occasion herein-before-mentioned,
+surprised the thirsty brotherhood far<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> more than would a similar state
+of facts in which any other one of the fraternity should have been
+implicated, because as Johnny had always perched himself upon the
+aqueous pinnacle of misanthropic teetotalism, it was not reasonable to
+suppose that he should, by one single dive, precipitate himself at once
+to the lowest depth of inebriation&mdash;for his profession's sake, he should
+have come down easier.</p>
+
+<p>As his new-made friends had taken his moral culture under their especial
+guardianship, he was duly required, the next evening, to give, for the
+instruction and edification of the club, a full account of his night's
+experience.</p>
+
+<p>Having first premised that he only complied with this desire in
+obedience to that imperative rule of the club, to which he had solemnly,
+affixed his name, which, in the most awful language, pledges every
+member who takes that terrible obligation to do exactly as he pleases,
+unless his own pleasure shall influence him otherwise, or unless, upon
+mature consideration, he shall decide that he had rather do something
+else, he proceeded to enlighten the anxious Elephantine expectants.</p>
+
+<p>"When I left you yesterday," said he, "I had no more idea that I should
+so far overstep the bounds of my customary propriety, and make my next<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span>
+appearance before you in a state of alcoholic disguise, than I have at
+this present moment that the setting sun will see me under arrest for
+picking somebody's pocket of a steam saw-mill. Strolling about yesterday
+for some time, I became tired of the monotonous hurry of Broadway, and
+eventually strayed into that delightful rural locality which you call, I
+think, the Bowery.</p>
+
+<p>"On the corner of this avenue of the rustic cognomen and Broome street,
+there is a place of refreshment for the weary. I entered its open doors,
+and sat down in a little three-sided closet, determined to procure the
+wherewithal to refresh the inner individual. Obedient to my upraised
+finger, a person came. This person had on a small white apron; this
+person also flourished in his dexter-digits a napkin of questionable
+purity; this person wore slippers, and had a voice like an asthmatic
+bull-frog; this person was a city waiter&mdash;a male waiter&mdash;a degeneration
+of the genus homo, which I sincerely hope will, at no very distant day,
+become utterly extinct. He procured for me the viands which my
+capricious taste selected from the suggestive printed list of edibles
+there to be obtained. While engaged in consigning to a living grave the
+bivalves he had brought, I had a fair opportunity to observe some, to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span>
+me, remarkable gymnastics then in course of accomplishment by an active
+young man who presided at the bar, and held dominion over the bottles.
+First pouring into a tumbler some liquid, to me unknown, diluting it
+with water, adding ice, sugar, lemon, and other ingredients with which I
+am unacquainted, he proceeded to throw the compound about in the most
+unheard-of manner, from one tumbler to another, over his head, under his
+leg, round his neck, over one arm and under the other, without ever
+spilling a drop. First uplifting one hand high in air, he poured the
+mixture in a sparkling cascade from the glass in the right hand, to that
+in the left; then he threw it in a sparkling shower in the air, till the
+lumps of ice rattled on the ceiling; then he dispersed it in a misty
+spray about his head and recovered it all in his magic glass, by some
+diabolic dexterity, without losing the fraction of a drop; then, in one
+grand, final effort, he tossed it round the beer-pump, down one side,
+and up the other, and over the chandelier, changing a two-dollar bill
+while it was in the air, and giving his customer his drink with one
+hand, and with the other his silver change, intermixed with twenty per
+cent. of pewter dimes, which the thirsty buyer invariably pocketed
+before he could recover from his astonishment.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I finished my dinner, and was anxious to see the little man perform
+again. I approached the little man, and desired him to concoct me a
+lemonade. He inquired if I wanted a 'fly' in it. As the flying part was
+what I most desired, I answered yes. The little man went through the
+motions. I sent the lemonade to its destination, noticing at the time
+something remarkably nectarean in the taste. As I supposed the
+evolutions which it had accomplished in mid-air had imparted to it an
+unusual flavor, and as I wanted to see the performance again, I
+immediately subscribed for one more of the same sort. Again the question
+about the fly&mdash;again an affirmative, with a remark that the bigger the
+fly, the better I should be pleased, supposing that thereby he would,
+for my satisfaction, make it fly through some new motions. I am
+satisfied that this time the fly <i>was</i> larger than on the former
+occasion. I was still unsatisfied; another subscription, and another
+lemonade, but this time the entomological interrogation was not
+propounded&mdash;he took the fly for granted, and he was right. About this
+time the person who came home with me last night made his appearance. I
+shook hands with him at once, for I thought I recognized him. I imagined
+that he was a man who, seven years ago, licked me with a rawhide for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span>
+stealing his pippins and setting fire to his sugar-bush, and I was
+anxious to shake hands for old acquaintance sake. I beg now, however, to
+state that I am satisfied this impression was erroneous, for I have this
+morning a distinct recollection that the individual of pomological
+memory removed to Kansas, where he was first lynched for stealing a
+horse, and afterward chosen county treasurer and inspector of election.
+However, be that as it may, certain it is, that, at that particular
+moment, thinking I had fallen in with an old friend, I invited him to
+drink with me. He accepted, and presently he proposed punch, and made a
+remark about cobbler. Punch I had heard mentioned as the prince of good
+fellows, and I was anxious to make his acquaintance. Cobbler I had only
+heard of as a man of lapstones and leather aprons, and I did not
+particularly desire to know him. On receiving an introduction to Punch,
+I was amazed to find that he was not an individual but a drink&mdash;a
+luscious combination of fragrant ingredients. Although I was mistaken in
+the identity, I was pleased with him, and it may not be superfluous to
+remark that the more I saw of him, the more I wanted to see, and the
+more I did see. About this time I had <i>two</i> friends; there were <i>two</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span>
+active little men behind the bar, each throwing from double-barrelled
+tumblers two streams of lemonade over his head, each with two flies in.
+There were two beer-pumps, each with two dozen handles, and the number
+of bottles and decanters was beyond computation. The floor rose up and
+down in wooden billows, and knocked my hat off. I attempted to
+remonstrate with floor, but at this juncture the floor clinched me; we
+had a long wrestle, and finally went down&mdash;floor on top. By a convulsive
+exertion I 'turned' the floor, got it under, and stood on it to keep it
+down; had some compunctions about striking a fallen enemy, but passion
+got the better of me, and I tried to kick the floor; floor kicked back,
+and threw sand-dust in my eyes; got away; wanted to get out doors, but
+the room had changed about so, that the door was over my head, and the
+bar, with the active little men, was nearly under my feet; was afraid I
+should walk over the little men, and break the bottles; stepped very
+carefully so as to avoid any such accident, and put my foot in the
+stove. Peter rescued me from the devouring element, and got me out of
+doors.</p>
+
+<p>"Peter said he would see me home, and asked me where I lived; told him I
+was an elephant; made<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> him understand that I could <i>show</i> him the place
+where I hung out, even if I couldn't tell him&mdash;so we started.</p>
+
+<p>"We must have come through Chatham street, for I can remember seeing
+some one with a hammer, selling clothing. I know I wanted to go in and
+make some purchases. The ruling idea in my mind, at that moment, was,
+that the grey mare wanted a winter overcoat, the oxen a pair of striped
+pantaloons apiece, that the sow, and each of her tender offspring, ought
+to have a red jacket and a pair of spectacles, and that it was a matter
+of necessity and charity to purchase seven dozen hickory shirts to keep
+the blue jays away from the apple-trees. I went in, and commenced
+bidding. I know I was not particular about prices, and that any
+opposition provoked me exceedingly&mdash;so much so that I bid twenty-three
+dollars for a second-hand pocket-handkerchief, because, when the
+auctioneer started it at ten cents, and I offered fifteen, a hook-nosed
+Jew bid three cents over me. Auction over at last; man with the hammer
+wanted me to pay up&mdash;found that I had bought three quarters of his
+stock, and hadn't money enough to settle the bill. I know I gave him all
+I had, and also my coat and neckerchief to make up the balance. I also
+have a distinct recollection of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> calling him a Hebrew robber, upon which
+he knocked me in the eye with his hammer, and followed up this
+declaration of hostilities by splitting my nose with a yard-stick. We
+got out of doors, and proceeded down town. On the corner of Chambers
+street the Third Avenue Railroad squared off, and knocked me down. Peter
+held me steady, while I rebuked the offender in proper terms. The Third
+Avenue Railroad took off its hat and apologized. I forgave it.</p>
+
+<p>"We went into a cellar; got in by a complicated dive. I sat down at
+first on the piano, next on a pile of oyster-shells, and, finally, by
+the aid of a huge pair of whiskers, with a little Dutchman behind them,
+deposited myself in a chair&mdash;on top of Peter. Peter got out after a
+prolonged struggle; place very hirsute; big beards on everybody; ten
+parts of hair to one part Dutchman. My vision may have been slightly
+deranged, but I am certain that one diminutive German had two pairs of
+whiskers&mdash;a moustache just over his eyes, and a four-foot yellow beard
+which sprung from his teeth. We drank lager bier.</p>
+
+<p>"Peter quoted Shakspeare when the man said "pay up," and insisted on
+singing an English chorus to a Dutch song; company indignant, Peter
+very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> valiant, but too few in number. Peter fought, Peter kicked, Peter
+swore, Peter was overpowered, Peter was elevated in the arms of four
+stout Dutchmen above the heads of the company. Exit Peter, through the
+window. In leaving the room myself, I, too, received some uncalled-for
+aid, but finally rejoined Peter on the sidewalk above.</p>
+
+<p>"I spied the mystic light which told me the Elephantine resort was close
+at hand&mdash;couldn't fetch it&mdash;asked M.P.&mdash;he said if we'd tell him the
+address he'd show us&mdash;tried to recollect it&mdash;couldn't exactly make it
+out, but said at a venture, corner of Maiden Lane and Canal
+street&mdash;officer indignant&mdash;we finally found the place, tried to come up
+still so as to surprise you, but I am willing to admit that attempt to
+be a partial failure; we reached the door at last; it wouldn't
+open&mdash;Peter called it Sebastopol, and proposed that we should storm
+it&mdash;we resolved ourselves into an attacking party of two, called to our
+aid a twelve-feet plank as a battering-ram, and by hard blows persuaded
+the door to yield&mdash;that broken panel is a forcible example of the power
+of moral suasion.</p>
+
+<p>"When I remark that, judging from my present sensations, I should
+imagine a six-horse-power threshing-machine to be in the height of
+successful<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> operation in my head, immediately over my eyes, there are
+perhaps some sympathizing persons in the room, who have experienced the
+same delicious sensation, and can therefore 'phancy my pheelinks.'"</p>
+
+<p>The members of the club expressed themselves eminently satisfied with
+Mr. Cake's statement of his experience, and the Higholdboy requested
+that Mr. Cake should inscribe in the records the said experience, in
+order that it might not be lost to future generations. Mr. Cake promised
+to do so.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Spout, being seized with a fit of liberality, ordered punches for
+the company, and two of the same kind for Johnny Cake, which Johnny
+indignantly refused, saying that, if before his recent experience in
+wholesale dissipation, he had disliked alcoholic beverages, such were
+his feelings now, that the dislike amounted to an abhorrence. Mr. Spout
+said it was all right, as in such case he should drink them all himself.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dropper remarked that some two or three years previously, when he
+first arrived from Cincinnati, and before he had became fully posted up
+in the various phases of unwhipped rascality in New York, he had, on one
+occasion, owing to his ignorance, got into the station-house.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A general sentiment as expressed was, that Mr. Dropper should state the
+history of the circumstance, or be immediately expelled from the club,
+and kicked down stairs, minus his coat, hat, and boots.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dropper said that he found it impossible to resist the gentle
+persuasions of his companions.</p>
+
+<p>"Fellow quadrupeds," said he, "soon after my arrival in this mass
+meeting of bricks and mortar, I read in a morning paper the announcement
+of an extraordinary gift enterprise, which some benevolent and
+philanthropic individual had set on foot, with the view of making
+everybody, in general, and himself, in particular, rich. I thought of
+the subject for several days. The idea of securing a farm of three
+hundred acres in New Jersey, all in first-rate condition, with houses,
+barns, and fences ready-made, at the moderate cost of a dollar, was
+rather agreeable than otherwise, and the more I reflected upon the
+matter, the more I became satisfied that such a bargain was a
+consummation most devoutly to be wished for. One night I went to bed
+thinking of the farm. Finally I fell asleep, and</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 18em;">
+'Sleeping I dreamed, love,<br />
+Dreamed love of'&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>seeing six cats, each with two tails, and each tail<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span>
+
+
+
+eight feet long, and afterwards a seventh cat with a bob-tail. When I
+<span class='floatl'><img src="images/illus050.jpg" alt="cats"  /> </span>awoke in the morning, I attempted to interpret my dream, and I readily
+found a meaning. I put the figures together in the order above&mdash;that is
+to say, six cats, two tails, eight feet long, one cat bob-tail, which
+latter, I thought, was equivalent to a nought, and I had the following
+result: 62810. I concluded that this was the lucky number which was to
+get the farm. I posted off immediately to the office of the gift
+enterprise, and called for number 62810, and laid down my dollar. The
+dollar was accepted, and the ticket was handed me, done up in an
+envelope. I was confident of having the title deeds to the premises
+given me as soon as the drawing should take place, and as that event was
+set down for the next week, and there was no time to be lost, I
+contracted for thirty-two head of cattle, and all the necessary farming
+utensils, in order to be ready to commence a life of ease and luxury, at
+the earliest practicable moment,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> after the said real estate should come
+into my possession. I also advertised for two stout farm-hands, to
+assist me in following the prospective agricultural pursuits. I had some
+three hundred and sixty-eight answers. I finally engaged two athletic
+Irishmen, who were recommended by their late employer as being excellent
+farm-hands, and who, in addition, possessed this virtue, that, when
+drunk, they were satisfied to abuse one another, and never their
+employer.</p>
+
+<p>"The day of the drawing at last came, and I went to the office to get my
+deed, for I never doubted a single instant that I had drawn the big
+prize. I entered the office, and told the clerk that I would take the
+documents.</p>
+
+<p>"'What documents?' said he.</p>
+
+<p>"'Why, my deed of the magnificent country mansion and farm in New
+Jersey, with three hundred acres of land, and a house with all the
+modern improvements.'</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, I have been, in the course of my life, kicked by a horse,
+knocked into a cocked hat by a threshing-machine, and had my hair singed
+off by chain-lightning, but neither one of these occurrences so
+astounded me as did that red-haired clerk, when he informed me that my
+ticket had drawn a gold<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span> pen, with a silver holder, and a place in the
+top to put pencil-leads in.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, I was not furious, I was perfectly cool; but when I jumped
+over that counter, and laid hands on that red-haired clerk, I will admit
+that it was my calmly-settled intention to eat that red-haired clerk for
+luncheon, notwithstanding his cock-eye. A hasty glance at the mud on his
+boots, and the metal buttons on his coat-tails, caused me to alter my
+original amiable intention, and I made up my mind to be gentle with him,
+and merely whip him so his mother wouldn't be able to tell him from a
+Little Neck clam on a large scale, and then leave him to live through it
+if he could.</p>
+
+<p>"I struck him once, and he laid down in a corner among some bottles,
+with his head in the gas-meter, and in one minute from that time he was
+one universal damage.</p>
+
+<p>"The proprietor being done for, I proceeded to demolish the
+establishment; I didn't leave, of the chairs, tables, and desks, a piece
+big enough to make a bird-cage, and having turned on all the gas, I was
+seriously debating whether I should not set the whole shop on fire, and
+sue for the insurance, when the two Irishmen, whom I had engaged to work
+my farm, made their appearance. I told them to clear<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> out, to budge,
+move on, leave, but they evidently took me for a swindler, and were
+bound to pay me off. They pitched into me; our amiable struggle to put
+each other's eyes out attracted a crowd; the muss became general;
+everybody went in, and before the policemen came there was considerable
+music. Nobody was bashful, and the result was four interesting cases of
+black eye, a pathetic instance of demolished nose, two lovely examples
+of swelled head, an agreeable specimen of peeled shin, seven
+illustrations of the beautifying power of finger-nails, when forcibly
+applied to the physiognomy, and three convincing exemplifications of the
+power of the Irish fist in extracting opposing teeth, without the aid of
+forceps or turnkey. The police came at last, and arrested the entire
+multitude. That night we slept in the station-house. I don't want to say
+anything against the bunks in that station-house, but this I <i>do</i> say,
+that if there ever is a bed-bug convention, and that station-house is
+not well represented, it won't be because any lack of population
+deprives them of the right to a strong delegation; and if, at any
+national mass meeting of fleas, they stand in need of ten or fifteen
+thousand to make up a quorum, the station-house of that ward can supply
+them, without any perceptible decrease of its entomological census.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"In the morning we were conducted before the Justice, but as there were
+about forty cases to be heard before mine, I had ample leisure to look
+about, and take a realizing sense of the beauties of my situation. The
+case of myself and others was at length reached. The officers swore to
+the muss, as if the numerous broken heads were not sufficient evidence
+that there had been a difference of opinion. One of the Irishmen became
+a volunteer liar in his own behalf, but the Justice recognized him as an
+old customer, often brought up for drunkenness, and knowing him to be a
+reliable liar, he placed his evidence all to my credit, and discharged
+me without even a fine, but with the assurance that if I came there
+again he would 'send me up.' Not wanting to make any such equivocal
+ascension as a matter of experiment, I have kept away from him, and cut
+up all my subsequent monkey-shines in another ward, which is out of his
+jurisdiction."</p>
+
+<p>After Mr. Dropper closed, there was a brief silence, in which each
+member quietly smoked his pipe, apparently reflecting upon the morals of
+lotteries. At last Wagstaff inquired who won the farm.</p>
+
+<p>"I forgot that," resumed Dropper. "I learned from an advertisement which
+appeared in the daily<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> journals, that ticket number 6281 drew the farm.
+This number, you will observe, corresponds with the one I supposed would
+be the lucky one, except that in mine a nought was annexed to the four
+figures, making it 62810, instead of 6281. My mistake grew out of a
+misinterpretation of my dream, in respect to the bob-tailed cat, I
+having assumed that the diminutive nether extremity, in this instance,
+was equivalent to a nought expressed, whereas, if I had let it remain a
+nought understood, and had acted accordingly, I should have been the
+lucky man."</p>
+
+<p>"Not so lucky as you imagine," remarked Quackenbush, "for the facts of
+that matter I am somewhat familiar with. A country fiddler, living up in
+Connecticut, held the ticket which entitled the holder to the real
+estate aforesaid. He saw the advertisement, and I being the only
+acquaintance he had in the city, he wrote to me to secure the deeds, as
+he couldn't raise the money to come down. I called at the office of the
+managers of the enterprise, and presented the ticket. They said it was
+all right; congratulated me on the luck of my friend, and told me to
+call a week from that time, and they would be prepared to execute the
+deed. This I thought was very fair, and I left the office. On the
+appointed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> day I called, and found the office closed, as the managers
+had sloped."</p>
+
+<p>The conversation then turned upon Police Courts, and the facilities
+which they afforded in aiding a person to get glimpses of the elephant.
+It was conceded that the experience of Dropper, just related, opened
+very fair, and, on the suggestion of Mr. Quackenbush, it was resolved:</p>
+
+<p>1. That the members of the club do make it their business</p>
+
+
+<p>2. To visit the Police Courts</p>
+
+<p>3. Before the next meeting of the club.</p>
+
+<p>The meeting was adjourned by the club, singing, "We're all jolly good
+fellows."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<p class="center"> <a name="The_Police_Courts" id="The_Police_Courts"></a>
+<img src="images/illus051.jpg" alt="heading"  />
+</p>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 18em;"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span>
+"I do remember Ann&mdash;"</p>
+<p style="margin-left: 25em;" >
+<span class="smcap">A. Pothecarie.</span>
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p><b>SEVERAL</b> evenings passed before all the members of the club again
+assembled. In the meantime the quantity of manuscripts had become
+<span class="floatl"><img src="images/illus053.jpg" alt="court"  /></span>unusually large, the members having found that the Police<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> Courts were
+prolific in sights of the colossal quadruped. When they did meet it was
+whispered that one of the members had had some personal experience, not
+only as a spectator but as a prisoner. No questions, however, were
+propounded upon the subject, in a tone loud enough for the member in
+question to hear, as they desired to allow him to speak of the matter
+voluntarily, confess his fault, and receive the forgiveness of his
+fellows.</p>
+
+<p>The proceedings of the evening were opened by the Higholdboy, who took
+his official seat, announced that the special order of the meeting was
+to hear the reports of members who had been present at the sessions of
+the Police Courts, with the view of noting down their zo&ouml;logical
+features.</p>
+
+<p>The Higholdboy called upon Dennis, Wagstaff, and Overdale for the result
+of their visit to the Police Courts. Wagstaff's notebook was produced,
+and the lengthened narratives inscribed therein went to show the
+following state of facts.</p>
+
+<p>Wagstaff arose one morning at six precisely, and, after having hit
+Dennis with his own wooden leg, and pulled Overdale's eyes open by his
+whiskers and hair, announced to them if they were going to visit the
+Essex Market Police Court that day, to see the animals, that it was time
+to rise. They slipped on their clothing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> as soon as possible, and
+started somewhat sooner. They passed the Odd Fellows Hall, which
+Overdale expatiated upon at some length as an extensive log-chain
+factory. He formed his conclusion from seeing three links of chain
+represented in a conspicuous part of the building. The Westchester House
+he informed them was Washington's head quarters, and under this belief
+they stopped some time to look at it, and speak of it in connection with
+the many stories related of that interesting relic of the architecture
+of the last century.</p>
+
+<p>They arrived at length at the Essex Market, in the upper part of which
+the police magistrate of that judicial district sits in a big chair, for
+the purpose of dealing out retail justice and getting a wholesale
+living.</p>
+
+<p>The trio ascended into the court-room, where the justice was seated,
+disposing of the hard cases which had accumulated during the night.
+Overdale was still communicative. In answer to the inquiries of Dennis,
+he informed that gentleman that the police clerks were associated
+justices, that the prisoner's cage was the jury-box, and pointed out the
+prisoners themselves as the jury. The humble member of the police, who
+is known as the doorman, Overdale said answered well the description of
+the Chief of the Police, contained in one of the historic works of John<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span>
+McLenan. Dennis inquired where the prisoners were. Overdale was unable
+to answer, but at last expressed it as his opinion that the persons who
+were standing about them must "be the malefactors." Dennis said he never
+could satisfactorily account for the jurors being tried, and sent out of
+the room in charge of officers, but he had too much confidence in the
+extensive knowledge and vast intelligence of Overdale, to suppose that
+his hirsute friend could possibly be mistaken. In consequence of this
+misplaced confidence on the part of Wagstaff and Dennis, the notebook of
+the former was filled with notes of the trials of the different members
+of the jury.</p>
+
+<p>One case of which Wagstaff took full notes, was that of Edward Bobber, a
+seafaring man, of very peculiar appearance, possessing some remarkable
+characteristics of manner, dress, speech, looks, and action. He was
+charged with being drunk. In the way of physical beauty, Edward was
+decidedly a damaged article. He had lost one arm by a snake-bite, and
+been deprived of an eye by the premature explosion of a pistol, which
+broke his spectacles at the same time it extinguished his sinister
+optic. The unexpected descent of a ship-mate, from the tops, upon his
+head, had turned his neck so that he seemed to be keeping a perpetual
+look out over his shoulder with his remaining eye. His nose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span> resembled a
+half-ripe tomato, and a pair of warty excrescences hung upon his face,
+as if some one had shot a couple of marbles at him, which had stuck to
+him for life. His complexion bore a close resemblance to the outside of
+a huckleberry-pudding. His teeth, which were unusually long, projected
+backward, as if they had taken a start to grow down his throat. This
+last peculiarity was, undoubtedly, one cause of a remarkable singularity
+of speech, which seriously impaired his natural facility of
+conversation. Some idiosyncrasy of disposition, probably, had also
+something to do with this lingual embarrassment, but certain it is, that
+Mr. Edward Bobber never answered one question until he was asked
+another, to which last he would give the reply intended for query number
+one. Whether his mental faculties needed always a second-interrogative
+punching up, or whether the fangs projecting downward retained one
+answer until displaced by another, Wagstaff and his friends were unable
+to decide; but they truly believe that an inquiry propounded to Edward
+Bobber, aforesaid, would have remained unanswered until doomsday, unless
+a second question followed the first.</p>
+
+<p>A transcript of a conversation between him and the Clerk of the Court
+reads as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Clerk.</i>&mdash;Where were you born?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"The prisoner removed his solitary orb from its guardianship, over his
+left shirt sleeve, rolled it slowly round until it commanded a fair view
+of the questioner, but said nothing. The clerk, nothing daunted,
+continued:</p>
+
+<p>"'How long have you been in this country?'</p>
+
+<p>"The face assumed a look of intelligence, and answer No. 1 came out.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Edward.</i>&mdash;Broome County.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Clerk.</i>&mdash;How old are you?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Edward.</i>&mdash;Two years.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Clerk.</i>&mdash;How long have you been drunk?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Edward.</i>&mdash;Thirty-four years, seven months, and nine days.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Clerk.</i>&mdash;Where did you get your liquor?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Edward</i> (rolling his eye toward the Judge).&mdash;Been on a spree four
+days.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge</i> (very indignant).&mdash;Did you say I've been on a spree?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Edward.</i>&mdash;Old Mother Bidwell's, down in Mott street.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Clerk.</i>&mdash;Do you mean hereafter to treat this Court respectfully?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Edward.</i>&mdash;No, sir; I hope not.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Officer with red hair.</i>&mdash;If you ain't crazy, I'm a jack-ass.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Edward.</i>&mdash;Yes, sir, of course.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"The excited Judge here commenced making out his commitment, but the
+Clerk, who began to see the fun, thought best to ask him a few more
+questions first, and accordingly inquired of Bobber what he traded in,
+as he seemed to own a sloop. The prisoner, who had been cogitating upon
+the last remark of the red-haired officer until he had waxed wroth,
+burst out:</p>
+
+<p>"'Jack-ass! jack-ass! yes, you <i>are</i> a jack-ass; not a doubt of it.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Clerk.</i>&mdash;Come, tell me what kind of liquor did you drink yesterday?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Edward.</i>&mdash;Soap, candles, coffee, bar-lead, chickens, coal, pine
+kindling-wood, smoked hams, and white-wood shingles&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge</i> (interfering).&mdash;Prisoner, you are only getting yourself into
+trouble. My patience will give out. I can't stand everything. Do you
+think I'm made of patience?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Edward.</i>&mdash;Whisky; nothing but whisky, sir; upon my honor.</p>
+
+<p>"The last answer proved too much for the gravity of the Court. The
+Judge, the Clerk, the attendant officers, and all smiled audibly. A
+whispered word from the Clerk explained to the Justice the true state of
+the case. Edward was discharged, and as he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> departed from the
+court-room, an officer, two blocks away, heard him, in answer to a
+request for a penny proffered by a little girl, give what was
+undoubtedly intended as a detailed reply to the last interrogative
+remark of the Police Justice."</p>
+
+<p>The case of Mr. Palmerston Hook, which was also reported in Wagstaff's
+notebook, would seem to indicate that there was more than one way of
+catching fish.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Hook was brought up as a vagrant. He was a smooth-faced individual,
+about old enough to vote, dressed in rather grotesque, flashy clothes,
+very much worn. The sleeves of his coat were quite large, in accordance
+with the prevailing style. But they served a purpose of utility, as was
+developed by the evidence, in a rather novel profession which Mr. Hook
+followed.</p>
+
+<p>"The principal witness was Mr. James Skinner, a very respectable dealer
+in Catherine Market, who devotes his time and talents to purchasing eels
+from the catchers thereof and selling the same to citizens and others
+who desire to enjoy the luxury of eating eels, either fried or done up
+in the form of pie or any other form. Mr. Skinner has obtained for
+himself an enviable popularity as a man of integrity. It has never been
+said of him that he ever sold an eel<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span> whose recent advent upon dry land
+from the salt water was a matter of serious question; and to think that
+Mr. Palmerston Hook should have selected Mr. Skinner's stock to
+depredate upon is a matter of some surprise. Mr. Skinner testified as
+follows:</p>
+
+<p>"'This 'ere feller came to my eel-stand yes'day mornin' and asked me how
+eels was? Sez I, 'Good as usu'l,' and I axed him if he wanted to buy.
+Sez he, 'How much?' Says I, 'Eight'n pence.' Sez he, 'Is them all yer
+got?' Sez I, 'Yis.' Ye see, jest before this feller come up, I counted
+'em and there was 'zactly 'lev'n. Then this 'ere feller he 'gun to paw
+'em over, and kinder jumble 'em up together, which I thowt was wery
+funny; and at last, sez he, 'Guess I won't take none this mornin'.' He
+acted so kinder sneakin' that I thowt he wasn't all right, and 'fore he
+got out of sight I counted the eels an' found one on 'em was missen. I
+put for this 'ere feller and ketched him at the corner, an' I found my
+'spicions was right, for on searchin' the chap I found a neel up in 'is
+coat-sleeve.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;How did he keep the eel up in his sleeve?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. Skinner.</i>&mdash;Well, that was done in a kinder 'genus way; he had a
+fish'ook on the end of a line, an' the line was run up the right
+coat-sleeve, over<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> 'is shoulder, an' it come down inside of 'is coat on
+the left side, an' he come up to the stand, an' wen he was a kinder
+pawin' over the eels he was a ketchin' the fish'ook in the tail of the
+eel, an' as soon as it was ketched in he pulled the line with his left
+'and an' drawed the eel up inter 'is sleeve; an' as soon as it was
+drawed up he stopped pawin' an' left, an' 'ere's the fish'ook an' line
+wot I found on 'im; an' I think he oughter be sent to Blackwell's Island
+for bein' a wagrant.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Hook, what have you got to say for yourself?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. Hook.</i>&mdash;I 'aven't got nothin' to say honly I vos wery 'ungry and
+vas a lookin' along in the market ven I 'appened to see the heels vot
+this 'ere hold cock 'ad. Sez I to m'self, sez I, now, I'll hax the price
+and mebbee the hole voman may vant von if they's cheap. Vell, I 'appened
+t'ave a 'ook and line in my coat, vich I spose haccidentally got ketched
+in von of the heels, and ven I left to go and tell the hole voman 'ow
+cheap they vas, it 'ung on to the 'ook.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;That's a pretty story to tell me. Do you suppose I am going
+to believe it?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. Hook.</i>&mdash;On the honor of a gentleman that vas the vay it 'appened.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;At any rate, I shall send you up for three months.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. Hook.</i>&mdash;Bust me, I honly vish you 'ad to try it three months
+yourself, you vouldn't think it vas quite so funny.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Palmerston Hook was conducted below.</p>
+
+<p>"Another interesting feature of the proceedings during the morning grew
+out of the case of Mr. Wallabout Warbler, whose name was the last
+called.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Warbler had reached the last stages of shabby gentility. Time had
+told sadly on his garments, originally of fine material and fashionable
+cut. His black, curly hair was whitened out by contact with whitewash,
+and his nose had become a garden for the culture of blossoms by far more
+common than they are proper. But Mr. Warbler, despite the reverses which
+he had evidently suffered, stood proudly and gracefully erect. If the
+external man was in a state of dilapidation, the spirit still was
+unhurt. He smiled gracefully when the Judge addressed him and told him
+that he was charged with having been arrested in a state of drunkenness.</p>
+
+<p>"Officers Clinch and Holdem were the witnesses against Mr. Warbler. They
+stated substantially that about one o'clock that morning they found Mr.
+Warbler standing in a garbage-barrel, on the edge<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> of the sidewalk,
+extemporizing doggerel to an imaginary audience. They insisted upon his
+stopping, when Mr. Warbler told them that it was a violation of
+etiquette to interrupt a gentleman when he was delivering a poem before
+the alumni of a college. He was evidently under the influence of liquor,
+and quite out of his mind. They thought, for his own safety, that they
+had better bring him to the station-house.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Mr. Warbler, you have heard what the officers have stated
+about your eccentric course of conduct; how did you happen to get drunk?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. Warbler.</i>&mdash;'Twas night, and gloomy darkness had her ebon veil
+unfurled, and nought remained but gas-lamps to light up this 'ere world.
+The heavens frowned; the twinkling orbs, with silvery light endowed,
+were all occult on t'other side a thunderin' big black cloud. Pale Luna,
+too, shed not her beams upon the motley groups which lazily were
+standing round like new disbanded troops&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;It's not to hear such nonsense that I occupy this seat&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. Warbler.</i>&mdash;A death-like stillness e'er prevailed on alley, pier
+and street.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;To listen to such stuff, sir, I can't sacrifice my time<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. W.</i>&mdash;Don't discombobilate my thought and interrupt my rhyme; I
+think that when misfortune is put on its defence, poetic justice, logic,
+law, as well as common sense, demand its story all be heard, unless <i>ex
+parte</i> proof is to send poor friendless cusses underneath the prison's
+roof. Shall I proceed?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Proceed; but don't make your tale too long.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. W.</i>&mdash;I'll heed your words, depend upon't. I own that I was wrong
+in rushing headlong as I did into inebriation, but let me question now
+the Court; is it not a palliation of the depth of human guilt if malice
+don't incite to break in divers fragments State laws wrong or right, and
+when only human appetite, uncontrolled by human reason leads men of
+genius, oftentime, the dish of life to season with condiments which <i>pro
+tem.</i> the mental palate tickle, yet very often, in the end, put human
+joys in pickle which ain't so cussed funny; though all of the expense of
+grub and the <i>et ceteras</i> the public pays for; hence, I ask this Court
+(believing that its feelings are not hampered) if justice should not
+ever be with human mercy tempered?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Perhaps. Now, tell me, Warbler, where you bought your liquor.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. W.</i>&mdash;Anon I'll tell you. Last week, Judge,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> prostrate was I, far
+sicker than to me's agreeable, with the diarrhea chronic, and
+sympathizing friends advised that I should take some tonic. I asked them
+what: at once they said, 'Get some lager-bier.' 'Twas got. 'Drink
+freely, boy,' said they, 'nothing need you fear, but you'll be up and on
+your legs.' The lager-bier 'was took;' soon every object in my sight had
+a very drunken look. Lager-bier (to German ears the words may be
+euphonic.) Tonic, certainly, it was, but decidedly too&mdash;tonic. Abnormal
+thirst excited it, and I went to great excesses (the statement's quite
+superfluous, my nose the fact confesses). Last night, attracted by the
+scenes which Gotham's streets present, I dressed myself in sombre
+clothes, and out of doors I went; to quench my thirst did I imbibe the
+more of lager-bier at Hoffman's on the corner, several squares from
+here. No more know I, 'cept in the morn I wakened from my sleep, and
+having sowed, perhaps I'll learn that likewise I must reap.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Have you got ten dollars?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. W.</i>&mdash;'Tis true, I hain't a red; I suppose the words unpleasant
+which next to me'll be said; that because by my imprudence my
+pocket-book's collapsed, in prison drear must I remain till ten days
+have elapsed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;I'll let you go this time.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. Warbler.</i>&mdash;Ha, say you so? Is't true, that though my offence is
+rank, in vain I did not sue for mercy; ne'er 'll I fail to say both
+through thin and thick in the circle of my acquaintance that you're a
+perfect brick.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Wallabout Warbler left the room."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Van Dam announced that he had visited the Jefferson Market Police
+Court one morning, and though there was much in the proceedings that was
+uninteresting, he had yet been able to collate some facts which he
+doubted not would be regarded as worthy of being recorded upon the
+minutes of the club.</p>
+
+<p>After taking a punch, Mr. Van Dam proceeded.</p>
+
+<p>He stated that a dozen or two individuals, all of whom, not having the
+fear of the law before their eyes, and being instigated by a morbid
+thirst, and who did in the city and county of New York drink, swill,
+imbibe, smile, guzzle, suck, and pour down various spirituous,
+fermented, or malt liquors, wine, beer, ale or cider, and from the
+effects thereof did get drunk, were severally favored with moral
+lectures and ten dollar fines. The first were not appreciated, and the
+second were not paid.</p>
+
+<p>But the case which interested Mr. Van Dam<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> most was that of four boys,
+named Frederick T. White, Michael Keefe, John Wheeler, and Manning
+Hough, who were arraigned on a charge of disorderly conduct. They were
+bright-looking boys of about thirteen years of age, dressed in plain but
+neat clothes, and with the exception of White, did not seem much to like
+the position they occupied. There was a devil-may-care, though not a
+vicious look, about White, which was positively refreshing. He seemed to
+rather like the position than otherwise, and from a roguish leer that
+was observed in his eye as he surveyed a personage who was to appear as
+the witness against him, Mr. Van Dam was led to anticipate something in
+the shape of novelty, and he accordingly prepared for the worst. The
+Judge told the boys the nature of the charge against them. The name of
+the witness being called, Mr. Conrad Heinrich Holzenkamp announced his
+presence by an emphatic 'Here.'</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Holzenkamp was a man who was the very ideal of a lager bier saloon
+keeper. His weight was at least two hundred and seventy-five pounds, one
+half of which could be set down to lager bier. His height was not more
+than five feet eight, but the circumference and diameter of the lager
+bier were enormous. He carried himself erect by necessity to balance
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> lager bier in the front. His hide was in wrinkles across the back
+of his neck whenever he held back his head, and every wrinkle seemed
+ready to burst with lager bier. Mr. Holzenkamp's face looked lager bier;
+Mr. Holzenkamp walked lager bier, drank and ate lager bier in
+alternation. He thought lager bier, dreamed lager bier. In brief, Mr.
+Holzenkamp was composed of two things: first, the effects of lager bier;
+and second, lager bier.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Blotter, the clerk, administered the oath in his characteristic
+manner as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"You solemnly swear, in the presence of Almighty God, that the evidence
+which you shall give in the present case, shall be the truth, the whole
+truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, kiss the book, and
+get out of my way.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. Holzenkamp.</i>&mdash;I can shwear to all de dings vat you shpeak, but to
+tell de whole troot, dat can I not shwear; ven I can dinks fon all dese
+boys have done, I tells you more as genuff to sends them to de
+Benidentiary for so long as dey lives; a hoonerd dings dey do vot I
+dinks not of.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Court.</i>&mdash;Kiss the book, Mr. Holzenkamp.</p>
+
+<p>"The witness proceeded to bring a gill of lager bier contained in his
+nose, and a half gill of lager bier contained in his lips, in contact
+with a venerable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span> Bible, which has been so familiar with crime by long
+association that we almost wonder the text has not been long since
+corrupted as much as the cover. Lager bier and the Bible having come in
+contact, lager bier is supposed to be incapable of lying.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Court.</i>&mdash;Mr. Holzenkamp, please state the circumstances connected
+with the arrest of these boys.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. H.</i>&mdash;Vell, on Vensday night, at von o'clock, my koostumers dey all
+goes vay fom mine lager bier saloon, und I say to Yawcob to go mit him
+and put up de blinds; ven he goes out mineself, mine vife, ve drinks
+some lager bier, and den I dakes de money and counts dem and puts dem in
+mine pocket; ven Yawcob come in ve locks de door, and goes de shtairs up
+to shleep; vel mine vife and I get to de bed in, so soon as ve can, and
+den I shleeps; ven I bin shleep leetle vile mine vife she shakes me and
+say, 'Heinrich, de cats dey makes noise in de shtreets so dat I cannot
+shleep;' ven I vakes up I hear so much cats squall in de shtreets dat I
+dinks dere vas a meetin fon cat politicians. But dey makes so much noise
+I cannot vink mine eyes vonce to shleep; so I get up and goes to de
+window and say 'shcat,' 'shcat;' but de more I say shcat de more dey
+vill not shcat.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> I say to mine vife, 'Katrina, you bin so younger and so
+smaller as I bin, you go down in de shtreets and drives 'vay de cats.'
+My vife den goes down, and ven she opens de door de cat squalls not
+more, and she looks to see dem, but dere is not cats in de shtreets. Ven
+she comes de shtairs up again and say de cats bin gone ve lie on de bed
+to shleep; vell, ven I bin yust shleep most, mine Gott! I hear de cats
+so louder as before, and I say to mine vife all de cats in de city bin
+come on the shtep-valk fon mine lager bier saloon; dey squall like
+hoonerd dyvels, and I try more to shcat dem vay. But it was no goot; dey
+shquall&mdash;I cannot say to you so bad as dey shquall. Mine vife say dere
+bin a tunder-shower fon cats; ven I lie in mine bed and shtand it so
+long as I can, I jump up und shwear dat I shoots all de cats in de
+vorld; I dakes mine bistol and runs de shtairs down, but I bin so mad,
+und I go so quick, dat I falls the shtairs over, und in a minute finds
+mine head knock on de vall, my right hand in some Schweitzer cheese, de
+oder in de shpit-box, und von foot in de big ice-pitcher; so soon as I
+can gits up and goes to de door und opens it, I goes on de shtep-valk,
+und mine foot shlips, and I falls down on mine back, and breaks all de
+bones in mine body; I feels mine hand on de shtep-valk, and I find it
+bin all covered mit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> soft soap; I dries to raise mineself, but I bin so
+heavy dat I down falls before I get up; yust den mine vife come and help
+me, and bulls me fom de shtep-valk in de door; ve do not hear de cats
+den, und so ve goes to de beds again; so soon as ve lie down I hears de
+cats so vorse as de oder time&mdash;I hears notings but cats; I never was so
+much afraid except vonce ven a lager bier barrel fly in bieces; I goes
+to de vindow and I dinks I hear dem on de awning, und I gets out; yust
+den de cats shtop, but I say I vill find vere dey bin on de awning; I
+valk along und my foot trips on some shtrings, and ven I fall I hear one
+loud cat-shquall dat fright me so dat I dinks I bin fall on more as
+dhree hoonered cats; ven I can get up I feels on de shtrings, und I
+valks till I finds a box; I brings de box to de vindow; Katrina gets de
+lamp und dere ve find in de long vood shoe-box seven cats vat vas fixed
+dis way: seven notch holes vas cut in de side de box, and de cats was
+put in de box mit deir heads shtick out de holes; on de oder side de box
+was seven leetle notch holes vere vas de cats' dails, und a shtring vas
+tie to all de cats' dails; I know dat de cats come not in de box by
+demselves, und so I look to see vere vas de boys; I comes de shtairs
+down again, goes on de shtep-valk so soft as I can, and I finds vere de
+strings<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> comes down fom de awning; I keeps hold de shtring till I find
+it come to a big sugar hogshead by de next house, and dere I find dese
+boys; yust den I say 'Vatch!' and de boliceman comes and dakes de boys
+to de station-house; I believe dey is de same boys as trouble me before.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Court.</i>&mdash;Boys, what have you got to say for yourselves for such
+conduct?</p>
+
+<p>"Master White volunteered to act as spokesman. He said:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, one day we was a playing in front of this 'ere man's lager bier
+saloon, and he come out and threatened to lick us if we didn't stop. We
+kept on, and bine-by he comes to the door when we wasn't a lookin', and
+threw a pailful of dirty water on us. We thought we'd got as good a
+right to the street as he had, so we made up our minds to be even with
+him, and we got the box and cats and serenaded him.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Holzenkamp stated that he baptized the boys a few days before as
+described. The boys promised not to bother lager bier saloon keepers any
+more, in consideration of which they were discharged."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Van Dam stated that the last case called was that of Mr. Timothy
+O'Neil.</p>
+
+<p>The case he said occupied the attention of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span> court nearly a half
+hour, owing to the difficulty which the court experienced in getting him
+to make direct responses to his questions.</p>
+
+<p>"Timothy appeared in a grey dress-coat&mdash;that is to say, it was high in
+the waist, with a short and pointed tail, a feature oftener produced by
+tailors than by literary men of the present day. Timothy's vest was red;
+his breeches were made of corduroy. Below them were long coarse
+stockings and brogans.</p>
+
+<p>"The evidence went to show that Timothy had been found drunk in the
+street, but he was not communicative on the subject. He did not call the
+officer a liar after he had heard him give his evidence, nor tell the
+judge that he was an 'owld tief.' He said nothing until he was asked to
+take the usual oath. The Judge said: 'Mr. O'Neil, put your hand on the
+book.' Mr. O'Neil complied cautiously, fearing the result of his act.
+When the words of the oath were uttered he made the sign of the cross,
+and after being requested by the court, kissed the Bible.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Clerk.</i>&mdash;What's your name?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;The same as me father's.</p>
+
+<p>"'What was his name?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The same as mine.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Tell me your name or you shall be locked up.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Timothy.'</p>
+
+<p>"'And what else?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I haven't any middle name.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I mean your last name.'</p>
+
+<p>"'O'Neil.'</p>
+
+<p>"'How long have you been in the city?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Since I come to the counthry.'</p>
+
+<p>"'How long is that?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Pat Hooligan can tell ye betther nor I can.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What month was it?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The first Sunday in Lint.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Where do you live?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Wid Biddy and the childer.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Where do they live?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The second floor, back room, bad luck to the bugs that's in it.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I mean what street?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Mike Henessy's store is on the first floor.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Tell me what street the house is on?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Who the divil can tell whin they are changin' the names of the
+blackguard streets so much?'</p>
+
+<p>"'What was the street called before the name was changed?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Anthony street; they calls it by another name now.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Worth street I suppose you mean?'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'I mane that the painter should have put it Worthless street.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Whereabouts in Worth street?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Three doors from the corner.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What corner?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The corner of the street.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What street?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The street three doors above.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well what is its name?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Bad luck to you, why didn't ye ax me that before?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, tell me the name.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Faith I don't know miself. It's an alley.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, what's the number of the house?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The number on the door do you mane?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Certainly.'</p>
+
+<p>"'There isn't anny.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What is your trade?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Me father never 'prenticed me.</p>
+
+<p>"'I mean what do you work at?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I don't do any work.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Why?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Because you've got me locked up in prison.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Will you tell me what you work at when out of prison?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I'm a laborin' man, sir'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'At what were you employed?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Haird work.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What kind of work?'</p>
+
+<p>"'In the shores' (sewers).</p>
+
+<p>"'You are charged with being drunk.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Dhrunk, is it. Faith, I never was more sober in my life than I am at
+this minute.'</p>
+
+<p>"'That may be; but here are a half-dozen men who are ready to swear that
+they saw you drunk yesterday.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Av it comes to that, can't I bring twiste as manny who will swear that
+they didn't see me dhrunk yisterday.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What kind of liquor did you drink?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Mighty bad liquor, and ye'd say the same av ye was to thry it.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Was it malt or spirituous liquor?'</p>
+
+<p>"'It was nayther; it was whisky.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Where did you purchase it?'</p>
+
+<p>"'At the Dutchman's.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Where is his store?'</p>
+
+<p>"'On the corner.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What corner?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The corner nearest to where they're buildin' the shtore.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Where is that?'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Where I was workin'.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Court.</i>&mdash;What was O'Neil doing when you found him?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Officer.</i>&mdash;He was lying very drunk in a hole which he had been
+digging.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;Be me sowl you're wrong for wonst; I didn't dig the howl;
+I dug out the dirt and left the howl.</p>
+
+<p>"'Were you ever up before the Court before?'</p>
+
+<p>"'No, nor behind aither; when I want to be again, I'll sind to your
+honor and let ye know.'</p>
+
+<p>"'If I let you of this time will you keep sober?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Faith I will, unliss the Dutchmin keep betther liquor nor they do
+now.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You may go.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Thank ye, sir&mdash;ye're a gintleman, av there iver was wan.'</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Timothy O'Neil left the court-room."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dropper also proposed to relate the experience of some half a dozen
+mornings which he had spent in the pursuit of amusement under
+difficulties, when he had occupied himself in seeing the sights around
+the Jefferson Market Police Court.</p>
+
+<p>"On one of the mornings which I devoted to visiting the Tombs," said Mr.
+Dropper, "the class of prisoners varied. Most of them claimed to be
+from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> the western of the British Isles. Others said they were born in
+Cork, Clare, Down, and other counties. A number answered to patronymics
+to which were prefixed the letter O, and an apostrophe. One party, who
+called themselves Fardowners, looked brick-bats at another party who
+occupied a remote corner of the cage, and who claimed to be
+Connaughtmen. The remainder of the prisoners were Irish.</p>
+
+<p>"An interesting feature in the proceedings of the morning was a case in
+which Owen Shaughnessy, Patrick Mulholland, Michael O'Shea, Timothy
+Leahey, Dennis Maroney, Dermot McDermott, Phelim Flannegan, Bridget
+O'Keefe, Mary McBride, Ellen Dougherty and Bridget Casey were the
+defendants. As the Judge called out their names, the prisoners severally
+responded. They were all, as their names would indicate, of Irish birth.
+The men, evidently long-shoremen and laborers, and the women, servants.
+Their garments, in some instances, were torn, and in other ways
+disarranged and soiled. The men, and in one or two instances the women,
+showed bruises about their faces and hands, indicating their active
+participation in a recent scrimmage, from the effects of which they had
+not had the time, or soap and water, to enable them to recover.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Gerald O'Grady, who stands at the head of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> the bar at the Tombs,
+and who, under adverse circumstances and strong competition, has been
+enabled, by his talents, to keep up his tariff of fees, from which he
+has never deviated, appeared as counsel for the prisoners. Mr. O'Grady
+has never been known to defend a case for less than fifty cents, unless,
+actuated by feelings of commendable philanthropy, he has volunteered his
+professional services gratis. It may be reasonably supposed that his
+success has excited the envy of the 'shysters;' for while they have to
+sit oftentimes a whole morning beside their respective granite columns
+at the Tombs, without being called upon to defend a case, Mr. O'Grady's
+presence in the court-room is in frequent demand. Mr. O'Grady had been
+retained in this case, I learned, by seven of the defendants, at a
+certain specified fee for each man, he volunteering his professional
+services to the ladies without charge. He announced to the Court that he
+represented the defendants, and that they were ready to have the trial
+commence.</p>
+
+<p>"'Is Mr. O'Grady your counsel?' the Judge inquired of the defendants.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, yer honor,' said one of the parties addressed; 'didn't I pay him
+five shillings&mdash;divil a hap'ny less&mdash;for to defind me.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Five shillings?' said Mr. O'Grady, indignantly, 'you mane that as a
+retainer, of coorse.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Defendant.</i>&mdash;I mane that's all ye'll get, anny how&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Counsel</i> (loudly).&mdash;Say, sir, it is time for you to know that, as a
+client, you should addhress the Coort only through your counsel. (To the
+Court.) Sir, my clients here, paceable citizens, stand ready for to
+answer, through me, to the diabolical chairges which designin' min have
+brought against thim, feelin' within their breasts&mdash;&mdash;(Here Mr. O'Grady
+hit one of his clients a severe blow in his bread-basket).</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Assaulted Client.</i>&mdash;Oh! h-h&mdash;.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Counsel</i> (to client).&mdash;Keep your mouth shut, why don't you? (To the
+Court.) Feelin', as I said before, widthin their breasts, the proud
+consciousness of their entire innocence of anny charges which their
+accusers could dare for to bring against thim.</p>
+
+<p>"The witnesses were Sergeant Ferrett and Officers Snap, Catcher,
+O'Grasp, Ketchum, Holder, and Van Knabem.</p>
+
+<p>"Officer Holder stated, in substance, that while patrolling his beat
+during Thursday night, the inmates of a house, No. 83&frac12; Pacific Place,
+began to get very disorderly. From the howlings and noises<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> which he
+heard, he came to the conclusion that there was a wake in the house. Not
+desiring to stop the disturbance by any violent means, he knocked at the
+door, with the view of telling them that they were disturbing the public
+peace, and requesting them to desist. No response was made to his knock.
+He then put his mouth to the keyhole of the door, and announced to them,
+as audibly as he could, that unless they desisted, he should have to
+call other officers and arrest them. No attention was paid to his words.
+Sergeant Ferrett arrived soon after, and inasmuch as the disturbance
+continued to increase, they called in the other officers to make a
+descent on the place, not, however, until they had first endeavored, by
+their voices, to make the inmates of the house understand the
+consequence to them, in case they persisted in their unlawful course.
+Officer Ketchum, who had formerly patrolled the beat, knew of a rear
+entrance to the house through an alley, and they accordingly entered the
+house by that way. They found about twenty persons present, men and
+women, engaged in a promiscuous scrimmage, howling, drinking, and
+fighting. The orders of the sergeant to cease their disturbance did not
+avail anything, which decided them to arrest the leading actors in the
+scene, which they forthwith<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span> accomplished, after some considerable
+resistance on the part of the company. They brought them to the
+station-house. The remainder of the party subsequently retired or left
+the place, which was quiet for the rest of the night.</p>
+
+<p>"The remaining officers confirmed the evidence of officer Holder, in
+such of its particulars as they were acquainted with. All of them were
+cross-questioned, more or less, by Mr. O'Grady, without, however,
+eliciting any new facts of material interest.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. O'Grady introduced, as a witness for the defense, Mrs. Katheleen
+Hennesy.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Hennesy is a lady of about forty-five years of age, five feet ten
+inches in height, weighing about two hundred and fifty pounds. She has a
+florid face. Her dress was remarkable for the extent with which it was
+ornamented with highly-colored ribbons and laces, gathered in fantastic
+bows.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Blotter, the clerk, administered the usual oath.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Hennesy, having kissed the book, the examination was commenced.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. O'Grady.</i>&mdash;Misthress Hennesy, will you state to the Coort if
+you're the proprietor of the house No. 83&frac12; Pacific Place.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mrs. Hennesy.</i>&mdash;Av coorse I am, and divil a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span> hap'ny is there owin' to
+anny man for what's inside of it.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. O'G.</i>&mdash;What kind of a house do you keep there?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mrs. H.</i>&mdash;Is it for to prove that the charackther of me house is not
+good that yer afther axin' the question?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. O'G.</i>&mdash;Misthress Hennesy, could ye make it convanient to thrate
+this Coort wid becoming respect, by answerin' the questions that I put
+to ye, for the purpose of establishin' a definse of these ladies and
+gintlemen, some of whom, I am towld, are inmates of yer house? What kind
+of a house, I'll ax ye wonst more, do ye keep?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mrs. H.</i>&mdash;It's a respectable, honest boordin'-house; bad luck to the
+blackgaird that says it's not.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. O'G.</i>&mdash;Will you plase to state to the Coort the facts of the
+unfortunate occurrence that thranspired in yer house last night?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mrs. H.</i>&mdash;For the matther o' that, there's mighty little for to tell;
+for it was nothin' more nor a wake, barrin' that the corpse come to life
+widout showin' the civility of first tellin' the mourners that he wasn't
+dead at all at all, and sayin', 'By yer lave, I'd rather not be, av it's
+all the same to yez.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. O'G.</i>&mdash;It's about that, Misthress Hennesy,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> that his honor is a
+waitin' for ye to spake of. Now, thin, will ye relate the facts?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mrs. H.</i>&mdash;Well, plase yer honor, it was yestherday mornin' airly that
+I heard Timothy Garretty was up stairs in his room, very sick, and like
+to die. I dhressed myself, and sent for the docther, and went up stairs;
+and throth Tim was a lyin' there in wan of his fits, wid which he had
+been often throubled before; and before the docther could come to him,
+the circulation of his brathin' had stopped entirely. Well, yer honor,
+Tim had manny frinds in the house, and as he was an owld boordher, we
+thought to howld a wake over his body. He was laid out, and put into a
+coffin. At night all of his frinds come into the room, where everything
+was illegantly arranged for the wake. They had begun to dhrink their
+whisky, and was enjoyin' themselves in a gintale way, whin Pat
+Mulholland, he sthruck Mike O'Shea over the eye for somethin' that Mike
+had said, and wid that Mike's frinds and Pat's frinds got themselves
+mixed up in a free fight together. At that time, plase yer honor, who
+should I see arisin' from the coffin but Timothy Garretty himself, and
+restin' on his hands. By my sowl I was freckened, for I thought it was
+Tim's apparition that was appearin'. Thin Tim spoke up; 'Bad luck to
+yez,'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> says he, 'isn't it a fine thing yez is doin'&mdash;havin' the whisky
+flowin' free, and a free fight, too, and keepin' me a lyin' in this
+blackgaird box on the broad of me back, widout ever so much as axin' me
+if I had a mouth on me at all at all?' Wid that somebody who was a
+strikin' happened to hit Timothy a clout in the eye, which knocked him
+back into the coffin.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus054.jpg" alt="funeral"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"'Who the divil did that?' sez Tim, as he made a spring from the coffin
+on to the floor, dhressed all up in his white clothes. 'Show me the man
+that shtruck me in me eye;' and wid that Tim he commenced a shtrikin'
+out, and he shtruck Dennis Marony under the but of the lug. Whin they
+saw Tim out of his coffin, they stopped a fightin', and fell<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span> on their
+knees, and commenced a sayin' their prayers. 'What's the matther wid
+yez?' says Tim.</p>
+
+<p>"'Are ye not dead?' says Larry O'Brien.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, as dead as a nest of live flaze,' says Tim.</p>
+
+<p>"'Then yer alive,' says they.</p>
+
+<p>"'Thry me wid some whisky,' says he; and wid that they got up and give
+Tim some whisky, which he never dhrank wid a betther grace nor thin.
+Well, as Tim wasn't dead, they couldn't howld the wake, but they said it
+would be a pity to lave the whisky to spoil, so they agreed that they'd
+have the spree just the same. Tim was purty wake from his fit, and so it
+didn't take long to make him dead dhrunk, whin we laid him in his bed.
+Afther that, yer honor, they kept on a dhrinkin', and was fightin' in
+the most frindly way, whin the M.P.s come into the door, and tuck some
+of thim off to the station-house. I thin shut up the house, and the rest
+wint to bed.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Mrs. Hennesy, where is Timothy, the corpse?</p>
+
+<p>"'Here, sir,' said a cadaverous-looking Hibernian, 'a little the worse
+for dyin' widout bein' very dead.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;I think you're good for a few years yet if you take care of
+yourself. Mr. O'Grady, have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> your other witnesses anything to testify in
+addition to what Mrs. Hennesy has stated?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. O'Grady.</i>&mdash;I belave not, yer honer. The material facts of the
+definse are sufficiently proven by Misthress Hennesy's evidence. Av the
+Coort plase, I have a few words to say in behalf of me clients here,
+which, av the Coort will hear me, I will make brief and to the point.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Go on.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. O'Grady.</i>&mdash;Thin, av the Coort plase, I will state that the ground
+of my definse of these gintlemen and ladies against the unfounded
+chairge of their disturbin' the public pace, is that the chairge is
+unthrue in point of fact. Sir, what are the facts? A man dies, and his
+friends congregate about the corpse to perform their last friendly
+offices to his remains, in accordance with a custom justified by
+thradition, ratified by usage, sanctified by antiquity, vilified by
+these officers of the law when they call it a disturbance of the public
+quiet, crucified when they burst in the house of mournin' and interfered
+wid it in the name of the law; and, sir, I shall now proceed to
+establish a definse, <i>bone fide</i>, with the soundness of which I belave
+yer honor will be satisfied. Sir, the Constitution guarantees to my
+clients freedom of conscience; the stairs and sthripes wave<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> proudly
+over a land in which religious despotism never dare show its repulsive
+form; and yet these officers dare to say that a custom, which is almost
+a pairt of the religion of these my clients, is a disturbance of the
+public pace. Sir, the institutions of our counthry air endangered by
+such perceedin's. And who was they disturbin'? Wasn't every man and
+woman and child in Pacific Place of the same nationality of these my
+clients? Air not their ethnological instincts runnin' in the same
+channels? Was they disturbed? No! Every man and woman and child there
+would have admired the devotion of these my clients, to their ancient
+national thraditions and customs. There they was wan wid another doin'
+their last friendly offices to their deceased friend in a fraternal
+fight over his corpse. Sir, what a sublime spectacle for the human mind
+to contemplate. I wondher that the officers were not thransfixed by the
+solemnity and moral grandeur of the scene.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Mr. O'Grady, I think that the fact of the dead having come to
+life, and having been put to bed dead drunk, proves disastrous for your
+argument, even admitting its soundness.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mr. O'Grady.</i>&mdash;Thrue it is, yer honor, that the wake was perceedin'
+without the corpse, as thradition<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> has it, that wonst upon a time Hamlet
+was played widout the Prince of Denmark; but, yer honor, it was the
+fault of the corpse, and not of that assembly of mourners. If Timothy
+Garretty had chosen to have remained a dacintly-behaved corpse, thin the
+objection which yer honor has raised could not have weighed against me
+clients here, and I press it now upon yer honor should my clients here
+be held accountable for the shortcomings of the corpse? I think not,
+sir.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;I think, Mr. O'Grady, you may dispense with further argument,
+as it would be superfluous. Mrs. Hennesy's house and its inmates have
+never been complained of before that I am aware of, and in consideration
+of this fact I'll discharge the prisoners, giving them warning, however,
+in the future that if they are any of them brought before me again, I
+shall not deal with them so leniently. You may go.</p>
+
+<p>"The interesting party left the court.</p>
+
+<p>"The business of the court having been quite extended, the Judge cast
+eyes upon the clock, observing that the hour was already advanced, but
+as he looked at the list of cases before him, he observed with a seeming
+satisfaction, that he had now reached the last; he felicitated himself
+with the idea that in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span> a few moments he would be at liberty to leave the
+premises, and after finding his way to some neighboring restaurant,
+partake of his judicial sirloin steak and coffee. He was evidently
+fatigued, but he put on a good-humored face as he called out:</p>
+
+<p>"'Timothy Mulrooney.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Here, sir,' said a young Milesian, remarkable for nothing in
+particular; 'here I am, sir:' and Timothy Mulrooney stepped forward to
+the bar.</p>
+
+<p>"The Judge addressed the prisoner:</p>
+
+<p>"'Timothy,' said he, 'you are charged with disorderly conduct.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes sir, he is, and it's me that chairges him wid that same,' spoke up
+an old woman, dressed in a heavy, blue cloth cloak, and an antiquated
+cap and bonnet.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Are you the witness?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Woman.</i>&mdash;Av coorse I am, your honor, and it's me pride that I can
+spake against Tim Mulrooney&mdash;the dirty tief of the world that he is (to
+the prisoner), and I wondher, Tim, that you're not ashamed to howld up
+yer head before his honor.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Madame, state the facts as they occurred.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Well, place your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or
+Saturday mornin', I don't know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span> which; but be that as it may, it doesn't
+make anny difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor
+wants for to know, when I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my
+door; sez I to myself, now Michael has come wid the porgies, and&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Who is Michael?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;And don't ye know Michael, sure? he is my own child, and a
+betther-behaved and more dacent boy nor him never sang at a wake; and he
+can rade and write yer honor, as well as annybody, barrin' that whin he
+comes to the big words he has to skip them, and guess at what they mane;
+but that is not his fault, yer honor, for Michael never had any time to
+go to school, still&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Madame, you shouldn't let your tongue fly off in a tangent in
+this way. What we desire to know is relative to the charge preferred by
+you against Timothy Mulrooney, here.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Yes, your worship, I was just comin' to it when ye
+interrupted me. (To the prisoner)&mdash;Ah, you murdbering tief, it's on
+Blackwell's Island that ye ought to be, instead of bein' here to face
+his honor in the indacent way that ye'r doing now. (To the Judge)&mdash;Well,
+your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or Saturday mornin', I can't tell
+which, but be that as it may, it does not make anny difference,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span> because
+it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to know, when I heard
+the horn of a fish-cairt in front of me door. Sez I to myself, Michael
+has come wid the porgies. You see, your honor, Michael owns a
+fish-cairt, and he sells fish, and what he doesn't sell he brings home
+for us to ate. He towld me in the morning, that he would thry for to
+save some of the porgies for dinner. Thin I wint out ov the door, and
+sure enough it was Michael. 'Michael,' sez I; 'What,' sez he; 'Is it
+here ye's air?' sez I; 'Sure it is,' sez he; 'Did you save the porgies?'
+sez I; 'Av coorse I did,' sez he; and wid that he commenced takin' out
+the fish from the cairt.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;What has all this to do with Timothy Mulrooney's offensive
+conduct? you have not shown as yet that he has done anything wrong.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Yer honor need have no fears but I'll convince yez that a
+dirtier spalpeen nor him niver was allowed to go unhung among a dacent
+people. (To the prisoner)&mdash;Ah, Tim, ye villain, I wondher that the ship
+didn't sink wid ye on board when ye left the ould counthry; I'd like to
+see ye show a receipt wid yer passage-money paid, ye&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Madam, I must insist upon your addressing yourself to the
+Court; you have no business to speak to the prisoner at all. Although he
+may have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span> done wrong, yet so long as he is in my presence he shall be
+protected from the assaults of your tongue.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness</i> (excited).&mdash;The assaults of me tongue! Howly St. Pathrick, do
+ye hear that? Yer honor, I'm a dacint woman wid a family of childher and
+divil a word was ever spoke against me charackther before.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;I said nothing against your character. I want you to confine
+yourself to what Timothy Mulrooney did to disturb the peace and quiet of
+your domicile.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;I will yer honor. It was on Friday mornin', or Saturday
+mornin', I don't know which, but be that as it may, it don't make anny
+difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to
+know; ah, yer honor, I have it now&mdash;it was Friday mornin'&mdash;we was to
+have porgies for dinner, and not mate, because it was Friday&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;All this is worse than nothing; you are taking up the time of
+the court by your tedious talk, which, so far as I can see, has no
+bearing whatever on the charge you have seen fit to make against this
+man Timothy.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Haven't I been trying for the last ten minutes to tell ye,
+and ye'll not not let me? It's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span> wid a bad grace that yer honor reproves
+me for not tellin' ye what I know, whin it's yerself that is
+interruptin' me. Well, yer honer, it was on Friday morning, whin I heard
+the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my door, sez I to myself, now
+Michael&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;I don't want to hear that story any more. You have told that
+several times already. State the facts about Timothy. Come down to the
+time when he commences to figure.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Ah, bad luck to the thratement that I get here. Has any of
+my illusthrious family the O'Briens ever done annything against yer
+honer that yez should illthrait me in this way?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Not that I am aware of. Now go on with your evidence.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Well, yer honor, as I was about to tell ye, it was on
+Friday mornin' whin I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my
+door. Sez I to myself&mdash;now Michael has come wid the porgies.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge</i> (impatiently).&mdash;Mrs. O'Brien, I&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Me name's not O'Brien; I'm a married woman, and me name is
+Flaherty; me name was O'Brien when I was a girl.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Well, then, Mrs. Flaherty, O'Brien, or whatever your name is,
+I have heard of these porgies and that fish-cart so often that they have
+grown stale;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> now tell me what occurred between you and Timothy
+Mulrooney?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;How do I know but ye'll intherrupt me again before I have
+said five words?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;You may rest assured that I will not if you will tell what
+Tim Mulrooney has done that is contrary to law.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;I could tell ye enough to hang him a half-dozen times, if
+he had as manny necks as that; (to the prisoner) ye know I could, Tim,
+ye&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge</i> (perspiringly).&mdash;Mrs. O'Flaherty&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Flaherty, widout the O, yer honor.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Well, whatever your name is, you must not say anything to the
+prisoner in this court. Go on now, and if you will tell what he has done
+I'll not interrupt you.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Now remember yer promise, ye honor. It was on Friday
+mornin'&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge</i> (despairingly).&mdash;You're at it again. I&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Howly mother of Moses! I told yer honor how it would be wid
+ye; here I haven't said more nor five words before yer at yer owld
+thricks again.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge</i> (much vexed).&mdash;What did Timothy do with your fish?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;He didn't do annything wid them that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> time, barrin' that he
+saw Michael bring them in the house, and I heard him tell Biddy
+Mulrooney, his mother, who lives in the next room to me, that he would
+rather live on praties and bread, as they was a doin', than to ate
+stinkin' porgies that nobody else would buy; I know the Mulrooneys was
+jealous.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Did Timothy create any disturbance then?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;No, yer honor, he didn't.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Then why did you have him arrested?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;It was afther thin that the spalpeen made the disturbance.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;When was that?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;It was yestherday mornin'.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;What did Timothy do?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;It wasn't Tim, but his cat.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Then it seems that you have entered a charge against Timothy
+Mulrooney of disorderly conduct, which, by right, you should have made
+against Timothy Mulrooney's cat, always provided that cats are amenable
+to municipal law.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;By my sowl, yer honor, ye've got it mixed up again. Now why
+didn't ye wait until I could tell ye.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Go on; I am reconciled to my fate. As<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> a particular favor, I
+should like to have you finish within a half hour.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;Well, yer honor, as I was tellin' ye, the Mulrooneys was
+jealous of us because we had fish and they didn't. Yestherday mornin'
+Michael brought home more porgies (the Judge here heaved a deep sigh)
+and I laid them on top of a barrel in the passage to wait till I could
+dress them; what next, yer honor, did I see but Tim Mulrooney's big tom
+cat on the barrel atin' the fish; I heaved a pratie at the cat and it
+ran off wid the porgies; just thin I saw Tim Mulrooney laughing at what
+the cat was doin'; I know the blackgaird had towld the cat to ate the
+porgies; I called to Michael, and I run toward Tim to bate the tief as
+he deserved, whin my foot slipped and I furled over on the broad of my
+back; wid that Tim laughed the more, and Michael run to him, and was
+about to give him a tap on the sconce, whin Tim struck Michael a blow in
+his bowels, which quite prostrated him on the floor; with that I ran and
+got the M.P., who brought the murderin' tief to the station-house.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Well, Mrs. Flaherty, I think, according to your own story,
+the prisoner acted more in his own defence than any other way.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>Witness.</i>&mdash;In his own definse! Bad luck to the tongue that says so.
+Is&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge</i> (to prisoner).&mdash;Timothy Mulrooney, I am by no means sure that
+your cat did not eat the Flahertys' fish with your connivance. If the
+cat did so, you did wrong; but for that you are sufficiently punished by
+your imprisonment last night. I think you might have been less hasty in
+striking Michael. Is Michael in court?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mrs. Flaherty.</i>&mdash;He is. Stand up, Michael, before his honor.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Flaherty, Michael and Timothy were standing together in a row.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Now I am going to insure perfect harmony in your house for
+six months to come; I shall bind each of you over in the sum of $200 to
+keep the peace.</p>
+
+<p>"This was almost too great a humiliation for the blood of the O'Briens
+to bear; but there was no alternative. Mrs. O'Brien Flaherty satisfied
+herself as well as she could by looking screw-drivers at the Judge;
+Michael appeared demure, and Timothy appeared jolly. The bonds were
+given, and the interesting trio left the court.</p>
+
+<p>"The Judge rose from his chair, and made a bee line for breakfast."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>During the various narrations which were given during the evening, Mr.
+Quackenbush remained seated in the corner, saying nothing and doing as
+much. His eyes were partially closed, and an occasional sigh was all
+that escaped him.</p>
+
+<p>When Mr. Dropper concluded the reading of his contributions, it was
+moved that Mr. Quackenbush open his mouth, and say something, under the
+penalty of having it pried open with the poker.</p>
+
+<p>This caused Mr. Quackenbush to open his eyes; and, after various
+preliminary hems and coughs, he announced that there was a certain rule
+of evidence which gave a witness the right to refuse to say anything
+tending to criminate himself. He should avail himself of that rule.
+Having said these words, Mr. Quackenbush rolled over on the floor, drew
+himself into double bow knot, and was soon snoring against noise.</p>
+
+<p>In the meantime Mr. Spout had taken the floor, and stated that he had on
+one occasion been over at the Essex Market Police Court. He was there
+the involuntary witness of the trial of a case, which might account for
+the non-communicative disposition manifested on the present occasion by
+Mr. Quackenbush. During the proceedings, the justice called<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> out the
+name of R. Percy De Laney Blobb; and in response to the call a tall
+individual arose and came forward. "I thought I recognized in the
+individual in question," continued Mr. Spout, "a person whom I had seen
+before, and I was not mistaken. He was wild, and disposed to regale the
+assembled company with a numerous collection of songs, which he had at
+his tongue's end. His dress was much disarranged.</p>
+
+<p>"The evidence of the officer who had arrested the tall gentleman, went
+to show that he had offended against the laws, by disturbing the rest
+and quiet of an unappreciative neighborhood, by bawling forth at
+midnight most unmelodious yells, which, when he was apprehended, he
+assured the officer were capital imitations of Sontag, Grisi, and
+Grisi's new baby. When arrested the individual was in a plebeian state
+of drunkenness&mdash;not so much so but that he could sing, as he called it,
+and could talk after an original fashion of his own. His ideas were
+slightly confused; he informed the officer that he had been to hear
+Louisa Crown sing the Pyne Diamonds, and that he met a friend who took
+him to a billiard shop to see a clam race; that he and his friend bet
+the whisky on the result; that he drunk for both, and that they had
+passed the remainder of the evening in a 'magnori<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span>ous manner,' singing
+'Storm Columbus,' 'Yankee Boodles,' and the 'Scar Strangled Bladder.'</p>
+
+<p>"The officer had taken him to the lock-up, where he had finished the
+night singing 'Good Old Daniel,' whistling the 'Prima Donna Waltz,' and
+playing an imaginary piano-solo on the floor, in which attempt he had
+worn off some of his finger-nails. When he was before the court he had
+not yet recovered his normal condition. He was still musically
+obstinate, and refused to answer any questions of the Judge, or make any
+remarks, except in scraps of songs, which he sang in a low voice, mixing
+up the tunes in a most perplexing manner. Being possessed of an
+excellent memory, and having a large assortment of melodies at his
+command, his answers were sometimes more amusing than relevant. The
+Judge proceeded to interrogate him somewhat as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;What is your name, sir?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'My name is Robert Kidd, as I sailed'&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Indignant Officer.</i>&mdash;He lies, your honor. Last night he said his name
+was Blobb.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Where do you live?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'Erin, Erin is my home.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Knowing Officer.</i>&mdash;He isn't an Irishman, Judge;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span> he's a Connecticut
+Yankee, and lives in East Broadway.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'That's eight times to-day you have kissed me before.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Officer.</i>&mdash;Please, your honor, he's an octagonal liar, I didn't.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Where did you get your liquor?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'Way down south in Cedar street; rinctum'&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge</i> (to officer).&mdash;What's that he says?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Attentive Officer.</i>&mdash;At Ringtown's in Cedar street.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;What number in Cedar street?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'Forty horses in the stable.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Officious Officer.</i>&mdash;Ringtown's, No. 40 Cedar street, your honor.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;(Voluntary remark, sotto voce.) 'A jay bird sat on a
+hickory limb&mdash;he winked at me and I winked at him.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Indignant Officer.</i>&mdash;Who're you winkin' at?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'Nelly Bly, shuts her eye.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Officer.</i>&mdash;You'd better shut your mouth.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;What have you got to say, prisoner?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'Hear me, Norma.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Officer.</i>&mdash;Well, go on, go on.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'O blame not the bard.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Nobody to blame but yourself.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'Did you ever hear tell of Kate Kearney?'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Knowing Officer.</i>&mdash;Keeps a place in Mott street, your honor.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'O! O! O! O! O! Sally is the gal for me.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge</i> (to officer).&mdash;Who is Sally? Some disreputable female I
+suppose.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Officer.</i>&mdash;She went up to the Island to-day, sir.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'O tell me, where is Fancy bred.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;I don't know anything about your fancy bread, if you have
+anything to say, go on.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'We'll all go bobbing around.'</p>
+
+<p>"The Judge here became indignant, and demanded if he had a friend to
+become bail for him, to which query the prisoner hiccuped out,</p>
+
+<p>"I'll never, never find&mdash;a better friend than old dog Tray.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Can't take him, he is not responsible.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'I give thee all, I can no more.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;It won't do, sir, I shall fine you $10.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'That's the way the money goes&mdash;pop goes the weasel.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Indignant Officer.</i>&mdash;I'll pop you over the head presently.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'There's whisky in the jug.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Officer.</i>&mdash;You'll be there, too, shortly.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;If you can't pay you must go to jail.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'Give me a cot in the valley I love.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Very well, sir, I'll do it. Tombs, ten days.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'I dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls.'</p>
+
+<p>"The officer was about removing the individual below, when I came to the
+rescue, and informed the Judge that the prisoner was a friend of mine,
+that this was the first occasion in which he had ever manifested such
+eccentricities, and if he would let him off from the punishment this
+time, I would take him to his home and see that he never disturbed the
+city by his yells in the future.</p>
+
+<p>"The prisoner turned his eyes upon me, and again broke out:</p>
+
+<p>"'Good news from home, good news for me'&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Mr. Blobb,' said the Judge, 'if I let you off this time, will you
+cease going on these drunken sprees?'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'I'll touch not, taste not, handle not, whate'er
+intoxicates.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;I hope that when we meet again it will be under more
+favorable auspices to yourself&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner</i> (interrupting).&mdash;'Meet me by moonlight alone, and I will
+tell thee.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge</i> (resuming).&mdash;For you're in a bad plight now to appear among the
+ladies.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'Oh! I'm the boy for bewitching them.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;Not when you're drunk, I imagine.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'A man's a man, for a' o' that.'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Judge.</i>&mdash;You may go, sir. Good day.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Prisoner.</i>&mdash;'Oh, give to me that better word that comes from the
+heart, Good bye.'</p>
+
+<p>"I managed to get my friend, Mr. Blobb, out of the court-room, and
+subsequently, with some difficulty, I succeeded in putting him to bed in
+my apartment, where I kept him for twenty-four hours, until he had
+recovered from his temporary aberration. He has since that time been in
+a normal state, except that he appears melancholy at times. He is well
+enough, however,&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"To be here this evening," said Quackenbush, interrupting; "for know ye
+that Mr. R. Percy Delancy Blobb is now before you in the person of
+myself, and I am here to-night to ask forgiveness,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span> which, if you don't
+give to me, I shall take immediate measures to expel you all from the
+club."</p>
+
+<p>It was immediately voted that Mr. Quackenbush be forgiven, on condition
+that he would disclose the facts which led to his being found a prisoner
+in the Essex Market Police Court.</p>
+
+<p>This, Mr. Quackenbush said he would do and do it now, and after finding
+room for a glass of ginger-wine, proceeded to narrate his experience.</p>
+
+<p>He stated, substantially, that the whole difficulty grew out of a love
+affair. He had become deeply infatuated with an unknown and beautiful
+blonde. He had often met her in the street, in theatres, and
+concert-rooms, and his intense admiration ripened into a deep love. He
+was unable to learn who she was until a fortnight previously, when he
+found a friend who was well acquainted with her, and who undertook to
+bring about an introduction. Things wore a brighter aspect then. The sun
+was more brilliant; the moon shed a less melancholy light; lager bier
+tasted better; oysters appeared fatter; peanuts seemed always roasted
+just enough, and, in fact, he felt quite satisfied with life, and the
+world generally, and resolved to postpone indefinitely a purpose he had
+entertained of buying three cents' worth of arsenic. But a day or two
+before the scene<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span> in the Police Court in which he figured, he found
+himself in a stage, and directly opposite was the identical object of
+his admiration and affection. He hitched from one side on his seat to
+the other; put one leg on the other, and then reversed them; looked out
+of the window, and then at her; scratched his ears; pulled up his
+collar; brushed the dust from his pantaloons; put his hands in his
+pockets; pulled them out, and did many ridiculous things which he would
+not have done had she not been present. She stopped the stage on one of
+the avenues, and handed him a five-franc piece to pay the driver. The
+driver, as usual, gave change in small pieces. He counted it to see that
+it was all right; found it to be so, and informed her of the fact. The
+streets being very muddy, he resolved to do the genteel in the way of
+assisting her out of the vehicle; made his exit; put one foot six inches
+into a mud-hole, and the other on the edge of the curb-stone; lifted the
+lady to the sidewalk in safety, at the expense of bursting off two
+suspender-buttons, and his vest-buckle, a slip down causing his nose to
+fall against the tire, his knees into the mud, his shoulder against the
+stage-steps, and caving in his hat. But all this didn't trouble him in
+the least, as he expected to be more than remunerated by an approving
+smile<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span> on the part of the lady. He turned his face towards her, and
+found her engaged in counting the change, which he had pronounced to be
+all right, as if she suspected that he would be guilty of cheating her
+out of a stray sixpence, and thus hazard his chances for salvation. The
+effect of the disappointment, on him, was frightful. He felt a sickening
+sensation; stopped at the nearest whisky-shop, and imbibed; went to
+another, and took a nip; proceeded to a third, and smiled; reached a
+fourth, and took a horn; entered a fifth, and drank, and so on, <i>ad
+libitum</i>. At last he reached Niblo's; saw a flaming poster announcing
+that Louisa Pyne was to sing in the "Crown Diamonds;" bought a ticket;
+took several drinks and a seat. His ears had become unusually critical.
+Thought he could beat Harrison singing, and to satisfy himself, he rose
+up, and commenced to slaughter a piece, which Harrison had just
+executed. There was an evident want of appreciation of his abilities,
+for he was hustled out in double-quick time. He then went to a bar-room,
+and called for something to drink, which deliberate act was the last
+circumstance he remembered, previous to recognizing Mr. Spout in his
+room in the afternoon of the following day, when he inquired of that
+gentleman if he wouldn't be so kind as to pre<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span>vent the nigger boy from
+striking him on the head with a poker, as he thought he had done it long
+enough.</p>
+
+<p>A vote of forgiveness to Mr. Quackenbush was carried, after which the
+entire club went to sleep.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class="center"><a name="The_Hamlet_Night" id="The_Hamlet_Night"></a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span>
+<img src="images/illus055.jpg" alt="heading"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 18em;">
+"Murder most foul, as in the best it is;<br />
+But this most foul, strange, and unnatural."<br />
+</p>
+
+<p class="center"><img src="images/illus056.jpg" alt="hamlet"  /></p>
+
+
+<p><b>A FEW</b>  days after the events recorded in the last chapter, a new trick
+was invented to obtain under, false pretences, the money of the public.
+A number of needy and seedy individuals having been told that in England
+several of the most dis<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span>tinguished literary men in that country had
+given a few theatrical exhibitions with great success, conceived the
+plan of exhibiting, in a similar manner, in the city of New York, a
+number of authors, artists and other celebrities, admitting the public
+at twenty-five cents per head. That it might look less like a humbug,
+and by way of hiding, as far as possible, the swindle which was only too
+transparent, after all, it was announced that the living poets and
+painters would be shown all alive in secure cages, undergoing a
+periodical stirring-up by the keeper, and being benevolently fed in the
+presence of the spectators afterward.</p>
+
+<p>Preparations had been made to secure the services of the biggest
+authors, the most notorious painters, the largest sized sculptors, the
+most melodious poets, and the most sanguinary editors the country could
+produce. The anxious world expected nothing less than to see the author
+of "Thanatopsis" appear as <i>Hamlet</i> in black-tights and a slouched
+hat&mdash;and he who invented "Evangeline" and "Hiawatha" come on as the
+<i>Ghost</i> with a pasteboard helmet and a horse-hair beard. Who should be
+<i>Laertes</i> but he who "skulped" the Greek Slave, or what editor could
+play "the king" like the democratic conductor of the <i>Tribune</i>? who, in
+assuming the crown, was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span> to doff the white hat, "positively for one
+night only?" The <i>Queen of Denmark</i> would of course be represented by
+the architect of "Uncle Tom's Cabin," whose familiarity with courts and
+royalty would enable her to invest the character with life-like
+interest. The public had made up its mind to be content with no
+<i>Ophelia</i> except Ruth Hall, for no one else could play the crazy scenes
+so admirably. But alas for the expectations of the misguided public&mdash;the
+illustrious individuals aforesaid would not come, and consequently the
+public were compelled to witness the consummation of the dreadful
+tragedy, by authors whose works they had never heard of; painters whose
+productions were unknown to the world, and editors whom a close
+investigation resolved into obscure scribblers.</p>
+
+<p>To this literary exhibition Overdale, Wagstaff, and John Spout resolved
+to go&mdash;Overdale to give the necessary explanations, Wagstaff to make a
+transcript of his friend's valuable remarks, and John Spout (himself an
+amateur artist) to see the celebrated men of his own profession, whose
+contributions to art had been so persistently kept out of sight.</p>
+
+<p>The performance was to take place in the Academy of Music, a building
+designed and completed by a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> diabolically ingenious architect, who
+endeavored to construct a theatre in such a manner that one half the
+audience could not hear, and the other half could not see, and who
+succeeded to admiration.</p>
+
+<p>Our friends obtained seats in that part of the house where they could
+see, though it was not possible to <i>hear</i> a word.</p>
+
+<p>After a great many preliminary flourishes and false starts by the
+members of the orchestra, they set off as nearly together as they could,
+in obedience to the frantic gestures of the leader, who flourished his
+fiddle-bow with as much energy and vindictiveness as if he had been
+insanely endeavoring to kill mosquitoes with it, in forty different
+directions at once.</p>
+
+<p>Finally the curtain went up amid the uproarious applause of the
+assembled multitude, interrupted only by a small boy in the gallery, who
+hissed like a whole flock of enraged wild-geese, having been stationed
+there especially for the performance of this sibilant duty by an
+avenging washerwoman, to whom one of the amateurs owed four and
+sixpence; his dissenting voice was, however, soon hushed by the police,
+who put him out, and didn't give him his money back, after which the
+exhibition proceeded.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>To give a full description of one half of the ridiculous performances
+indulged in by these deluded persons&mdash;to tell of the new readings which
+they gave, and the old readings which they didn't give&mdash;to relate how
+carefully they avoided the traps, and with what commendable caution they
+kept away from the footlights&mdash;to give an idea of the bedlamitish
+ingenuity they had displayed in the selection of wardrobe, how each one
+had put on the most inappropriate articles imaginable, and how they
+could not have been more incongruously attired if they had been all
+dressed in sheep's grey breeches and straw hats&mdash;to dilate upon the
+disasters which befell the said wardrobe, how the tunics caught in the
+wings, and the shoulder-cloaks got singed by the side-lights; how the
+ladies' trains were in everybody's way, and their feathers in
+everybody's eyes&mdash;how, in their confusion, when they painted their
+faces, they put the wrong colors in the wrong places, and some of them
+went on with white cheeks, chalked lips, and eyebrows colored a bright
+vermilion&mdash;how the gilt crowns got bent and battered until they looked
+like ancient milk-pans with the bottoms melted out&mdash;how the flannel
+ermine on the regal calico robes got greasy, and looked like tripe&mdash;how
+the wax pearls melted and the glass ones broke&mdash;how the "supes"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span> painted
+their whiskers uneven, and got their wigs on wrong side before&mdash;how some
+of them couldn't get their armor on at all, but how one enterprising
+individual, having succeeded to his satisfaction, came on to deliver a
+message, with his sandals in his hand, his helmet on one foot, his
+breast-plate on the other, and his leg-pieces strapped on his
+shoulders&mdash;to tell how the <i>Ghost</i> got chilly and played the last scene
+in an overcoat, and proved that he was a substantial Native American
+Ghost, by making two extemporaneous speeches, in excellent English, to
+the audience&mdash;to do full justice to the miscellaneous assortment of
+<i>legs</i>, then and there congregated, and relate how some were bow-legs,
+and some were shingle-legs, some were broomstick-legs, some were wiry
+legs, and some were shoulder-of-mutton legs&mdash;to give an accurate
+relation of the various expedients resorted to, to remedy the most
+noticeable defects in those legs, and state that some were padded on the
+sides, and some at the ankles, and how, in not a few instances, the
+padding slipped away from its original position, thereby putting the
+calves on the shins, and causing the knees to resemble deformed
+india-rubber foot-balls&mdash;and to give a reliable history of the
+unheard-of antics indulged in by the said fantastic legs, after their
+symmetry had been perfected by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span> the means just written&mdash;how some went
+crooked, some sideways, and some wouldn't go at all; how some minced
+with short steps, like a racking pony, and others stepped along as if
+they had seven-league boots on; how some moved with convulsive hitches,
+as if they were clockwork legs, and the springs were out of order; how
+some worked spasmodically up and down in the same place, and didn't get
+along at all, as if they were legs which had struck for higher wages;
+and how others dashed ahead, as if they did not intend to stop until
+they had transported their bewildered proprietors out of sight of the
+audience, as if they were machine legs, with the steam turned on, and
+weights on the safety-valve; how some went on the stage and wouldn't go
+off, and how others went off and wouldn't go on, until they were coaxed
+on by their agonized owners, a long time after the cue came&mdash;to tell how
+the red fire burned green, and the blue fire would not burn at all&mdash;how
+the call-boy got tipsy, and was not forthcoming&mdash;how the property-man
+fell over the sheet-iron thunder, and stuck his head into a pot of red
+paint, which made him look like a modern edition of Charles the First
+with his head cut off&mdash;how the grave-diggers got into the grave and
+couldn't get out&mdash;how <i>Hamlet</i> and <i>Laertes</i> could hardly get<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span> in at
+all; and how, when they did get in, they made the gravel fly&mdash;how the
+wrong men came on at the wrong time, and how, as a general thing, the
+right men didn't ever come on&mdash;how <i>Guildenstern</i> spoke <i>Ophelia's</i>
+lines, how <i>Horatio</i> tried to speak one of Hamlet's speeches, and danced
+a frantic hornpipe with rage because he couldn't think how it began, and
+how <i>Polonius</i> couldn't speak at all, and so went home&mdash;how nobody could
+remember what Shakspeare said, and so everybody said what Shakspeare
+didn't say, and hadn't said, and wouldn't have said, under any
+circumstances&mdash;how some of the men swore, and some of the women wanted
+to, but postponed it, and how the butchery proceeded, with many mishaps
+and multitudinous mistakes, and how the audience applauded, and cheered,
+and laughed at the dismal tragedy, evidently considering it the
+liveliest farce of the season, are facts, falsehoods, and circumstances,
+both real and supposititious, which could not be compressed within the
+limits of a single volume.</p>
+
+<p>Hamlet was personated by an aspiring youth, whose physical dimensions
+were not up to the army standard, and who couldn't have gathered fruit
+from a currant-bush without high-heeled boots on; while the lady who
+represented his mother would have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span> been compelled to stoop in order to
+pick pippins from the tallest apple-tree that ever grew. By the side of
+her illustrious son, she looked perfectly capable of taking him up in
+her arms, giving him his dinner after the usual maternal fashion, and
+afterwards disposing of him in the trundle-bed, to complete his infant
+slumbers.</p>
+
+<p>Overdale explained that they had tried to get a bigger <i>Hamlet</i>, but
+that, upon the whole, he thought the little fellow would "speak his
+piece" pretty well, taking into consideration the fact, that in the
+dying groans, he was supposed to have no superior.</p>
+
+<p>Wagstaff was totally ignorant of the plot, and as from the obfuscation
+of the performers, no one could have formed the slightest idea of what
+they were all talking about, he seemed in no very fair way to find out
+anything about it.</p>
+
+<p>The peculiar rendition of the story of the King of Denmark was so
+uncertain, that even John Spout found it exceedingly difficult to tell
+where they were or how they would come out, or what they intended to do
+next. He was a little uncertain whether the queen would finally subdue
+<i>Hamlet</i>, or <i>Hamlet</i> succeed in thrashing the queen. In the closet
+scene, especially, the battle was conducted with such varying success
+that it was impossible to bet, with any<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span> kind of certainty, on the
+result, or to prognosticate, with reliability, whether <i>Hamlet</i> would
+knock his mother down with a chair, and damage her maternal countenance
+with the heels of his boots, or whether the old lady would succeed in
+<i>her</i> design, which was evidently to conquer her rebellious offspring,
+and give him a good spanking. Neither could he tell whether <i>Laertes</i>
+would kill <i>Horatio</i>, <i>Hamlet</i>, or the <i>Second Grave-digger</i>, who stood
+behind the wing, with his hands in his pockets, and his breeches in his
+boots. He was also a little undecided as to which was <i>Polonius</i>, and
+which was the king, and when the player queen came on, he thought it was
+only <i>Ophelia</i>, with a different-colored petticoat on. John swore the
+<i>Ghost</i> looked as if he hadn't had any dinner, and said he was perfectly
+certain his ghostship had been refreshing his invisible bowels with a
+mug of ale, behind the scenes, because when he came on the last time,
+with the broomstick in his hand, he could see the foam on his whiskers.</p>
+
+<p>One of the richest and most incomprehensible scenes ever witnessed on
+the modern stage was the final one between <i>Hamlet</i> and the <i>Ghost</i>,
+who, finding the weather chilly, had done his best to mitigate his
+sufferings by putting on an overcoat. <i>Hamlet</i>, trying to look fierce,
+holding his sword at arm's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span> length, performing a kind of original
+fancy-dance, as he followed the spiritual remains of his ghostly father
+across the stage&mdash;<i>Hamlet</i>, the mortal, being about the size of a
+mutton-ham, while his father, the immortal, supposed to be exceedingly
+ethereal, was tall enough and stout enough for a professional
+coal-heaver, instead of an amateur ghost&mdash;the intangible spirit,
+moreover, having one hand in his overcoat pocket, to keep his fingers
+warm, while in the other he flourished a short broomstick, as if to keep
+his degenerate scion at a respectful distance, were so ludicrous, that
+John Spout seized Wagstaff's book, and produced the sketch to be found
+at the beginning of this chapter.</p>
+
+<p>And in the last death-scene <i>Hamlet</i> really won such honors as were
+never before accorded to mortal tragedian; being by this time a little
+doubtful whom to kill, he made an end of the entire company in rotation.
+First, he stabbed the <i>King</i>, who rolled over once or twice, and died
+with his legs so tangled up in the <i>Queen's</i> train that <i>she</i> had to
+expire in a hard knot; then he stabbed <i>Laertes</i>, who died cross-legged;
+then he stabbed <i>Osric</i>; and not content with this, he tripped up his
+heels and stood on his stomach, till he died in an agony of indigestion;
+then he tried to stick <i>Horatio</i>, but only succeeded in knocking<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span> his
+wig off; and then, turning up stage, made extensive preparations for
+terminating his own existence.</p>
+
+<p>First, as everybody was dead, and everybody's legs were lying round
+loose, he had to lay them out of the way carefully, so as not to
+interfere with the comfort of the corpses; then he picked up all the
+swords and laid them cautiously in a corner, so that the points
+shouldn't stick in him when he fell; then he looked up at the curtain to
+see that he was clear of that, then he looked down at the traps to see
+that he was clear of them, and having at last arranged everything to his
+satisfaction, he proceeded to go systematically through his dying
+agonies, to the great satisfaction of the audience. Suffice it to say,
+that when the spasms were ended, and he had finally become a "cold
+corpus," his black tights were very dirty and had holes in the knees.</p>
+
+<p>When the curtain went down <i>Hamlet</i> was too exhausted to get up, and
+instantly everybody rushed to the rescue; those he had slaughtered but a
+few minutes before, forgot their mortal wounds, and hastened to the
+murderer with something to drink. The <i>King</i> rushed up with a pewter mug
+of beer; <i>Horatio</i> presented the brandy-bottle; the <i>Ghost</i> handed him a
+glass of gin and sugar; the <i>Queen</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</a></span> gave him the little end of a
+Bologna sausage and a piece of cheese; the stage carpenter, in his
+bewilderment, could think of nothing but the glue-pot; the property man
+hastened to his aid with a tin cup full of rose-pink, and a plate-full
+of property apple-dumplings (ingeniously but deceptively constructed out
+of canvas and bran), while an insane scene-shifter first deluged him
+with water, and then offered him the bucket to dry himself with.</p>
+
+<p>John Spout, who had been behind the curtain, and witnessed this last
+performance, immediately came out, borrowed Wagstaff's notebook, and
+left therein his pictorial reminiscence of this scene as follows:</p>
+
+<p class="center"><img src="images/illus058.jpg" alt="play"  />
+</p>
+
+<p>Overdale had been profuse in his explanations of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</a></span> the many curious
+scenes, and Wagstaff had noted down his words carefully in his
+memorandum-book. Once when the <i>Ghost</i> tripped and fell through the
+scenery, caving in the side of a brick house, and kicking his spiritual
+heels through the belfry of a church in the background, Overdale said
+that this was <i>Ophelia</i>, who had been taken suddenly crazy, and in her
+frenzy had imagined it necessary to hasten to the nearest grocery for a
+bar of soap to saw her leg off with. <i>Polonius</i>, he explained, was
+<i>Horatio</i>, and <i>Hamlet</i> was a little boy who run on errands for the cook
+of the palace, by which culinary appellation he designated the Queen of
+Denmark. He said the plot of the piece was, that the king wanted to
+marry the cook, but her relatives objected to the alliance, because his
+majesty hadn't got shirts enough for a change.</p>
+
+<p>All of which was carefully written down by Wagstaff, with divers
+alterations, emendations, additions, and extemporaneous illustrations,
+by John Spout.</p>
+
+<p>This last-named individual asserts to the present time that he cannot
+tell who were the most humbugged&mdash;the people who paid their money, and
+laughed at the play under the impression that it was a farce, or the
+unfortunates who performed the play,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</a></span> laboring under the hallucination
+that they were acting tragedy.</p>
+
+<p>All were, however, satisfied, that it was a kink of the Elephant's tail,
+which he has not yet uncurled in any city of America&mdash;save Gotham.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class="center"> <a name="Mrs_Throughby_Daylights_Fancy_Dress_Jam" id="Mrs_Throughby_Daylights_Fancy_Dress_Jam"></a>
+<img src="images/illus059.jpg" alt="heading"  /> <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 18em;" >
+"Black spirits and white,<br />
+Red spirits and grey,<br />
+Mingle, mingle"&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p> <b> MR.</b> Remington Dropper had a great respect for upper tendom; was
+almost inclined to admit, without question, its claims to the worship of
+<span class="floatl"><img src="images/illus060.png" alt="court"  /></span>the vulgar masses, and confessed that when he saw one whom he took to be
+a leader of fashion coming, he felt an involuntary movement of his right
+hand towards his hat. He admitted that he had, by this manner of doing
+indiscriminate homage to well-dressed people, on several occasions taken
+off<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</a></span> his hat to notorious horse-jockeys, faro-dealers, and gamblers.</p>
+
+<p>"However," said John Spout, "if you want to go to a grand fancy dress
+ball, where you will meet all 'the world,' as these try-to-be-fashionable
+people call those who have scraped together dollars enough to entitle
+them to their royal notice, I can very easily get you an invitation.
+Mrs. Throughby Daylight, whose husband made a fortune by selling patent
+medicine, and thereby purged himself of poverty and plebeianism together,
+gives, in a short time, a grand fantasquerade, which is intended to be
+the most consolidated fancy dress jam of the season. Do you want to go?"</p>
+
+<p>"Go," replied Dropper, "how can I go? I don't know Mrs. Throughby
+Daylight, or Mr. Throughby Daylight, or any of the Daylights, so that
+Daylight is all moonshine."</p>
+
+<p>"Dropper," was the response, "you're young; I excuse that, for you can't
+help it; but you're also <i>green</i>, which I cannot forgive; your verdancy
+is particularly noticeable when you revive the absolute absurdity of
+supposing that it is necessary to be acquainted with a lady before you
+are invited to attend her parties. That antiquated idea has been long
+since exploded. Why, my dear sir, it is no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</a></span> more necessary that you
+should have ever previously heard of a woman whose 'jam' you receive an
+invitation to attend, than it is probable she knows who <i>you</i> are, or
+where the devil you come from."</p>
+
+<p>Dropper was bewildered.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a positive fact," continued Spout. "Why, bless your innocent
+eyes, a woman of fashion no more knows the names of the individuals who
+attend her grand party, than she knows who took tea last night with the
+man in the moon. She merely orders music and provisions, makes out a
+list of a few persons she <i>must</i> have, has her rooms actually measured,
+allows eight inches square to a guest; thus having estimated the number
+that can crowd into her house, she multiplies it by two, which gives the
+amount of invitations to be issued, after which she leaves the rest to
+Brown. Brown takes the list; Brown finds the required number of guests.
+Brown invites whom he pleases; Brown fills the house with people, and
+Brown, and only Brown, knows who they are, where they came from, or how
+the deuce they got their invitations."</p>
+
+<p>Dropper, still more bewildered, inquired who Brown was.</p>
+
+<p>"Brown," explained John Spout, "is the Magnus Apollo of fashionable
+society&mdash;he is the sexton of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</a></span> Graceless Chapel, and no one can be
+decently married, or fashionably buried without his assistance. He has a
+wedding face and a funeral face, but never forgets himself and cries
+over the bride or laughs at the mourners; he is great as a sexton, but
+it is only in his character of master of ceremonies at a party, that he
+rises into positive sublimity&mdash;he is the consoler of aspiring
+unfashionables, who have got plenty of money, and want to cut a swell,
+but don't know how to begin. He is the furnisher of raw material on
+short notice, for fashionable parties of all dimensions; his genius is
+equal to any emergency, though, as the latest fashion is to invite three
+times as many people as can get into the house at any one time, Brown is
+often put to his trumps. Mrs. Codde Fishe last week wanted to give a
+party, and, of course, called on Brown. Brown measured the parlors; they
+would only hold 1728, even by putting the chairs down cellar, and
+turning the piano up endways. Mrs. Codde Fishe was in despair. Mrs. P.
+Nutt had received 1800 at her party the night before, and if she
+couldn't have 2000 she would be ruined. Brown's genius saved her. 'Mrs.
+F.,' said he, 'though we must invite 2000 people, and though we must
+have 2000 people in the house, they need not be all there at one time,
+and they need not all stay.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Certainly not,' said Mrs. Fishe.</p>
+
+<p>"'I'll manage it,' said the indefatigable Brown&mdash;and Brown did manage
+it. He got 272 retail drygoods clerks, whom there didn't anybody know,
+dressed them in white gloves and the required fixens, so they looked
+almost as well as men. Well, sir, if you'll believe it, Brown had his
+272 clerks arrive at the door, eleven at a time, in hired
+hackney-coaches, announced them, by high-flown names, to the hostess,
+had them march in single file through the parlors to the back door,
+where he had a man waiting to conduct them over the garden-fence by a
+step-ladder, and so get them out of the way to make room for more.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Lassiz Candee had but 1439 names on her list; she wanted 1800.
+Brown was summoned. Brown heard the trouble. Brown produced from his
+pocket a list of names twenty-one yards in length. For a moderate
+compensation he furnished Mrs. Candee with a yard and a half of literary
+celebrities, three yards of 'Shanghaes,' five yards and a quarter of
+polka dancers, and about fourteen feet of foreigners, with beards and
+moustaches for show-pieces, and to give the thing a 'researcha' look.</p>
+
+<p>"But, not to be too tiresome, Dropper, I am on Brown's list of
+eligibles, and can get your name added also."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Remington eagerly accepted the offer, and three days after they found on
+their table two huge envelopes, addressed respectively to "Mr. John
+Spout," and "Mr. Remington Dropper." Remington, trembling with haste,
+broke open his at once, and discovered a card about the size of a
+washboard, on which was a communication to the effect that Mrs.
+Throughby Daylight requested the pleasure of the company of Mr.
+Remington Dropper, and that it was to be a fancy dress party, and he was
+requested to appear in costume, all of which he only discovered by
+calling John Spout to his assistance, who condescendingly explained
+everything.</p>
+
+<p>Remington was overjoyed, but in answer to all his anxious inquiries
+concerning the manner of procuring the invitation, he only elicited from
+John Spout the mysterious monosyllable, <span class="smcap">Brown</span>!</p>
+
+<p>"What does it mean by coming 'in <i>costume</i>?' How am I to dress? What
+shall I put on, and where shall I get it?" inquired he.</p>
+
+<p>John explained. "It means that you are to disguise yourself in an
+un-Christian attire of some description, making yourself look as unlike
+a 'human gentleman' as possible&mdash;call yourself a 'Gondolier,' a
+'Brigand,' a 'Minstrel Boy,' or some other sentimental or romantic name,
+and cut as big a splurge<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span> in your borrowed clothes as possible. If you
+know anybody who belongs to the theatre, you can easily borrow a rig; if
+not, you'll have to hire it of a Jew, and give security that you'll
+bring it back."</p>
+
+<p>For four days Mr. Dropper was in a state of feverish undecision
+respecting his choice of a character. At the end of that time he was
+still wavering between a "Turk," a "Monk," and "Jack Sheppard." By John
+Spout's suggestion he resolved to decide the matter by a throw of the
+dice, which method made a "Turk" of him for the eventful evening, the
+"Monk" getting deuce, ace, and a five, "Jack Sheppard" scoring but
+eleven, while his oriental highness came off victorious, by means of two
+fours and a six. John Spout was going as a Choctaw Indian, so that he
+could smoke all the time and no one would find fault and say that he was
+vulgar.</p>
+
+<p>The wished-for evening arrived, and Remington began to dress at four in
+the afternoon, so as to be in time. By the assistance of two Irishmen
+and a black boy he got his dress on at half-past six; and at a quarter
+to seven he sunk exhausted into a arm-chair, and went to sleep.</p>
+
+<p>John's own toilette was quickly made; he had borrowed his dress from a
+friend, who attended in person to put it on for him.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When they were ready, the black boy was dispatched for a hack, into
+which they both got; after experiencing some difficulty from Spout's war
+club, which got tangled in Remington's trousers, and being a good deal
+exasperated by Dropper's scimitar which <i>would</i> get between John Spout's
+legs and interfere with his breech cloth.</p>
+
+<p>At last they approximated the house, and their carriage took its place
+in the rear of a long line which had formed in front of Mrs. Throughby
+Daylight's mansion, and anxiously waited for those in front to move out
+of the way, and give them a chance to get out.</p>
+
+<p>They could hear in the distance the shrill whistle and the voice of the
+indefatigable Brown, shouting "Room for Mrs. Rosewood's carriage;"
+"Clear the way for Mrs. Fizgiggle's vehicle;" "Let Mrs. Funk's
+establishment come up;" and then Brown would disappear into the house,
+and a faint echo of Brown would be heard from the inside, announcing
+these visitors as "Mrs. Noseblood," "Mrs. Buzfiggle," and "Mrs. Junk,"
+it being a peculiarity of Brown, that although he might get the names of
+the guests right the first time, he never announced them at the door
+without some ludicrous perversion.</p>
+
+<p>Our friends at length attained the entrance, and,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span> having been
+interrogated by Brown as to who they were, and having told him "a Turk"
+and "a Choctaw," they were instantly ushered by that individual into the
+presence of the versicolored crowd, and announced, in a voice of
+thunder, as "Mr. Squirt" and "Mr. Bucksaw."</p>
+
+<p>As they had come in a carriage and were prepared for immediate conquest,
+they had no overcoats or hats to dispose of, and were consequently
+ushered directly into the first of the three parlors, they held a
+consultation as to which was the hostess; and what the least perilous
+manner of getting at her, concluded that it was not necessary for a Turk
+or a Heathen to be so particular about the rules of Christian society,
+and so they dispensed with the usual entering salute.</p>
+
+<p>Remington Dropper soon found that he was not the only oriental in the
+room; there were four other Turks, and a great many Moguls, so that he
+only made up the half dozen, but he consoled himself with the reflection
+that his turban was the biggest, and that the toes of his slippers
+turned up higher than any of the rest.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus061.jpg" alt="ball"  />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p>But beside the "malignant and the turbaned Turks," there was a great
+variety of other unexpected characters on exhibition in Mrs. Daylight's
+apartments&mdash;kings, queens, gipsies, and highway<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span>men, milkmaids, who not
+only couldn't milk, but probably couldn't tell a cow from a cod-fish,
+peasant-girls with jewelry enough on for princesses, and princesses with
+red faces and feet big enough for peasants, tambourine girls begging for
+pennies which they couldn't get, and bouquet girls trying to sell
+flowers from a large assortment, consisting of two geranium leaves and a
+rose-bud, French grisettes, who couldn't speak French, and Spanish
+noblemen, who talked most unmistakable down-east Yankee, Highlanders
+with pasteboard shields and bare knees, army officers who didn't know
+how to shoulder arms, sailors who couldn't tell the keel from the
+jib-boom,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span> or swear positively that the tiller wasn't the long-boat, the
+Queen of Sheba in gold spectacles, robbers, brigands, freebooters,
+corsairs, bandits, pirates, buccaneers, highwaymen, fillibusters, and
+smugglers in such quantities, that it might be supposed that our best
+society is two-thirds made up of these amiable persons. There were three
+Paul Prys, four Irishmen, and thirteen Yankees, equipped with jackknives
+and shingles, seven Hamlets, and fourteen Ophelias, one Lear, two
+Richards, and five Shylocks, eight Macbeths, three Fitz James, and half
+a dozen Rob Roys, who made a very respectable assortment of Scotchmen;
+there were also twenty-one monks, quite a regiment; this <i>was</i>
+considered strange, but the next day, when most of the silver was
+missing, it was immediately surmised that these reverend gentlemen were
+thieves, who had obtained surreptitious admission, and carried off the
+valuables under their priestly robes.</p>
+
+<p>There were also a few ladies, particular friends of the hostess, who
+appeared, by permission, in no costume more ridiculous than that which
+they were accustomed to wear daily, but who displayed the usual amount
+of whalebone developments.</p>
+
+<p>After the band arrived and was stationed in the conservatory out of
+sight, an attempt was made to get<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span> up a dance. Spout introduced Dropper
+to a princess of his acquaintance, and Dropper, as in duty bound, asked
+her to waltz, and actually proceeded to carry out his intention.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus062.jpg" alt="dance"  />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>As some sixty other couples attempted the same feat at the same time,
+and as there wasn't room for any one man to dance without stepping on
+the heels of his neighbor, the scene instantly assumed a peculiar
+appearance. Dropper first whisked his partner against a flower girl and
+upset her basket, then against a Paul Pry, and demolished his horn
+spectacles, then he tumbled her into the stomach of a Falstaff and
+rolled him into the window curtains, then<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span> he himself stepped on the
+favorite corn of a tall Hamlet, and pushed his elbows into a Shylock and
+broke his false hooked nose, and they both concluded their gyrations by
+upsetting a couple of brigands, and marching deliberately over the
+prostrate bodies of Helen McGregor and a matchboy in their progress to a
+sofa, which they finally reached in an exhausted condition; the lady
+wanted some water, which Remington started to get but didn't come back,
+inasmuch as he hurt his shins by tumbling over a chair and fell to the
+floor, carrying with him in his descent a fairy in one hand and a Fitz
+James in the other. The crowd immediately closed around him, so that he
+could not rise, and, as he was involuntarily reposing directly upon the
+hot air register, he was more than half cooked before he got rescued
+out.</p>
+
+<p>The attempt to dance created also no small amount of confusion among the
+others, about twenty-five of whom were precipitated into the
+conservatory and dispersed through the orchestra. King Lear landed with
+his head in a French horn, and Byron's Corsair was seen to demolish two
+violins with his hands at precisely the same time he kicked both feet
+through the bass drum.</p>
+
+<p>Supper came at last, and the guests were fed in installments, as many
+getting near the tables as could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span> crowd into the rooms. Jellies, creams,
+fruits, and the more substantial articles of the repast, were devoured,
+and scattered over the carpets, and over the dresses of the assembled
+multitude, in about equal quantities. Champagne corks flew, and all the
+men of whatever nation, trade, or occupation represented in that
+incongruous assemblage, seemed to understand perfectly well what
+champagne was. Kings drank with peasants, brigands touched glasses with
+monks, and Shylock the Jew took a friendly drink with her majesty the
+Queen of Sheba.</p>
+
+<p>After supper the smash recommenced, and things grew worse, and the
+characters, by continued exertion and repeated accidents, became so
+changed in appearance by the mutilation of their fancy dresses, that at
+three o'clock in the morning, no one could have picked out any one of
+the remaining guests and told whether he was intended for an Italian
+brigand or an Irish washerwoman.</p>
+
+<p>Our friends reached home about daylight, tired, draggled, disgusted, and
+drunk. Neither of them undressed, but both slept on the floor in the
+remains of their fancy costume, and in all their paint; they didn't get
+their faces clean for ten days, but Remington Dropper had seen the
+Elephant in one of his Fifth Avenue aspects, and was content.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class="center"><a name="Conclusion" id="Conclusion"></a>
+<img src="images/illus063.jpg" alt="end"  /> <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>[Exeunt Omnes.]&mdash;<span class="smcap">Shakespeare</span>.</p>
+
+
+<p>A few days after the events recorded in the last chapter, a letter was
+received at the residence of one of the compilers of these records,
+superscribed</p>
+
+<p class='center'>
+Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
+</p>
+
+<p>The communication was signed by John Spout, and the writer, after
+apologizing for communicating with a perfect stranger, stated his
+reasons for so doing. It seems from the communication that Mr. Spout was
+informed by a friend who was in the confidence of the United States
+Marshal, that Mr. Spout and others were accustomed to meet in a room on
+Broadway, and that they were strongly suspected of being engaged in the
+organization of a fillibustering expedition to Nicaragua, and
+furthermore, that it was the intention of the officious officials of the
+United States Government to make a descent upon the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span> premises and arrest
+all who were present on the next regular meeting. Mr. Spout had no
+difficulty in convincing his friend of the entire misapprehension of the
+officers. But in the fullness of his modesty the worthy Higholdboy
+thought that the time was not arrived when it would be prudent to
+announce to the world the fact of the existence of a scientific
+association, organized for the purpose of studying the Elephant.
+Furthermore, he did not like to be arrested, even though he would be
+acquitted, fearing that contact with stone walls might aggravate a
+chronic catarrh with which he was afflicted. Under these circumstances,
+he called a mass meeting of the members of the club, at his private
+room, where, after a session of fourteen minutes it was unanimously</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, That the Elephant Club cave in for the present, under the
+pressure of strong necessity.</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, That the landlord of the Club room whistle for the arrearage
+of rent.</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, That Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B., we have every reason to
+believe, will fully appreciate the high character of the objects of the
+Elephant Club.</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, That he is hereby authorized to go to the Elephant Club
+room, secure the records and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span> such other property therein contained, as
+he may desire.</p>
+
+<p><i>Resolved</i>, That the said Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B., is further
+authorized to compile the said records for publication, if he thinks the
+public can be induced to buy the book when it is published; and he is
+further authorized to reorganize the Club in accordance with the same
+principles of the old organization, and when the present federal
+administration goes out of power, the present members will again put on
+the scientific harness, and gladly co-operate with the club so formed,
+to secure the ends desired.</p>
+
+<p>In accordance with the request contained, Mr. Doesticks did go to the
+premises designated, where he found said records, and a variety of
+articles of furniture in a state of chronic demolition. The records he
+carried away&mdash;the furniture he did not. An examination of the documents
+satisfied Doesticks that if properly compiled, and published, the work
+would sell. But feeling himself incompetent to the task of preparation
+unaided&mdash;the work being of a scientific character&mdash;he decided to call to
+his assistance his friend Knight Russ Ockside. In his youth this
+gentleman had the advantage of being employed in sweeping out the
+medical college in Thirteenth street,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></span> and was once severely injured
+when young by being hit with a medical book on the head; and these facts
+it was generally conceded, in accordance with the spirit of modern
+progression, entitled him to the honorary degree of M.D. The scientific
+part of the work of compilation was therefore left to Dr. Ockside, who
+has endeavored to do full justice to the subject. Doesticks has
+reorganized the Elephant Club, and applications for membership will be
+received by him at No. 70001, Narrow street.</p>
+
+<p>N.B. Applicants will be particular to bring testimonials as to
+character.</p>
+
+<p> <span class="figleft"><img src="images/illus064.jpg" alt="hand"  /></span>No persons will be received against
+whom a shadow of suspicion exists that they are of foreign birth, whilst
+to be a native would be a permanent bar to their membership.</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>THE END.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p class='center' style="margin-top: 10em;">THE MEMOIRS<br/>
+
+OF<br />
+
+REV. SPENCER H. CONE, D.D.<br />
+
+PREPARED BY HIS FAMILY<br />
+
+<i>484 pp. 12mo. Bound in Muslin, Printed on fine white paper, Price $1
+25</i><br />
+
+Embellished with a Steel Portrait.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>Dr. Cone, late pastor of the First Baptist Church, city of New York, was
+one of the most remarkable men of the present age, his life was full of
+romance and incident, as as well as a bright example of Christian
+virtues; the volume should find a welcome at every fireside, and a place
+in every family library.</p>
+
+<p>Among the numerous testimonials from all sections of the country, we
+take pleasure in quoting the following:</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>NOTICES OF THE PRESS.</p>
+
+<p>"A Biography of a famous preacher and man, written with power and
+eloquence."&mdash;<i>Philadelphia Evening Post.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Its perusal will be grateful to every person who admires active piety
+and can appreciate Christian virtues."&mdash;<i>Family Journal, Albany.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Spencer Houghton Cone, one of those good and faithful servants whose
+career exemplifies the surpassing beauty of a genuine religious life.
+The work is produced in elegant form, with a superb engraving of Dr.
+Cone. It deserves a place as a standard of good works and deeds in all
+families."&mdash;<i>N.Y. Daily News.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Its subject, one of the first men, and leading minds, for years, in our
+denomination, will ensure it a wide circulation."&mdash;<i>Richmond, Va.
+Herald.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Cone's reputation as an eloquent and fervent minister of the
+Gospel, as a strong, clear, earnest thinker, was acknowledged throughout
+the Union."&mdash;<i>Boston Gazette.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The book is full of interest, and we are confident will disappoint none
+who undertake its perusal."&mdash;<i>Salem Gazette.</i></p>
+
+<p>"America has produced but few so popular preachers, his personal
+influence was unbounded, he was indeed a man of talent, of large
+attainment in the school of Christ, a brilliant preacher, and a
+noble-hearted, zealous Christian philanthropist."&mdash;<i>Christian Chronicle,
+Philadelphia.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The volume is a profoundly interesting life-memorial of one of the most
+active, earnest, eloquent and sincerely religious spirits of his age and
+generation. Spencer H. Cone was a very remarkable man, and from a
+perusal of his life, we are convinced that selfishness and
+narrow-mindedness had no place in his nature. He appears to us to have
+been a model of earnestness, sincerity, activity, and intelligence."
+&mdash;<i>New York Evening Mirror.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The volume is a straightforward simple narrative of the public and
+private life of Dr. Cone, from his youth up to the period of his death.
+It will be read with interest by thousands out of the denomination to
+which Dr. Cone belonged, as well as by thousands of his own
+denominational friends and admirers."&mdash;<i>Christian Secretary, Hartford.</i></p>
+
+<p class='center' style="margin-top: 5em;">LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, PUBLISHERS,<br />
+
+
+310 <span class="smcap">Broadway</span>, N.Y.
+</p>
+
+<p>Agents wanted to Canvass every County in the United States, who can make
+from $5 to $10 a day in selling the above popular work.</p>
+
+<p>Copies sent (<i>post paid</i>), to any part of the country, on receipt of
+$1.25.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+<p class='center'>A New Book by the Author of "Our World!"<br />
+
+A WORK OF GREAT POWER AND INTEREST.<br />
+
+JUSTICE IN THE BY-WAYS.<br />
+
+BY F.C. ADAMS.<br />
+
+<i>12mo., Cloth, $1 25.</i></p>
+
+<p>The <i>Evening Post</i> of June 23d says:</p>
+
+<p>"Shortly will be published a new work, entitled '<span class="smcap">Justice in the
+By-Ways</span>,' from the pen of <span class="smcap">F.C. Adams</span>, author of the
+popular anti-slavery novel '<span class="smcap">Our World</span>.'</p>
+
+<p>"It presents a life-like picture of that peculiar civilization which of
+late has so signally blossomed in the ruffianly achievement of Brooks.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>"Mr. <span class="smcap">Adams</span>, the author, formerly editor of the <i>Savannah
+Georgian</i>, is qualified by a residence of five years among the
+nullifiers of the Palmetto State to exhibit a correct and graphic
+likeness of their society and manners."</p>
+
+<p>This is emphatically a work of our age. Its life is its <span class="smcap">TRUTH</span>.
+Its breath its <span class="smcap">FACT</span>. It is history in the guise of fiction,
+history whose accuracy is attested by public records and State
+documents. Each character is a living reality. It is a book eminently
+suggestive of much needed moral reforms. It is not sectional. It hits
+North and South. It shows the social evils generated by Slavery in the
+one, and by neglected poverty in the other. It pictures the follies and
+vices of worn-out Southern chivalry; the crimes of the forsaken wretches
+in the Five Points; and the sordid sin which luxuriates in our Fifth
+Avenue palaces. It portrays how those who the world regard as beacons
+illuminating the paths of virtue, grovel in sensuality&mdash;sought and loved
+for its own sake; whilst the neglected of the world, in their depths of
+degradation, yet emit some rays&mdash;feeble though they be&mdash;of a soul
+within. In fine, it teaches the practical lesson that it would become
+the great to learn how a true use of their wealth and influence may
+benefit poor fallen humanity.</p>
+
+<p class='center'>LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, PUBLISHERS,<br />
+
+
+310 <span class="smcap">Broadway, N.Y.</span><br />
+
+
+W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper, 24 Bookman street.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p class='center'>A Work of Unusual Interest and Merit!<br />
+
+TO BE PUBLISHED EARLY IN SEPTEMBER,<br />
+
+THE PAWNBROKER.<br />
+
+OR,<br />
+
+THE WAGES OF AVARICE.<br />
+
+<i>12mo., Cloth. Price $1 25.</i></p>
+
+<p>The Publishers believe that "The Pawnbroker" is not inferior, either in
+power or interest, to any other work of Fiction that has been yet issued
+from the American Press; while the local interest it possesses, in
+consequence of its truthful delineation of New York life, forms one of
+its many attractive features. It is the production of an American lady,
+who is endowed with a fine culture, a refined and polished idea of the
+requirements of Virtue and Civilized Life; together with a clear insight
+of the human heart, whether bowed down by its own dark depravity, or
+consoled and elevated by the noble instincts of honor and truthfulness.
+But this is not all; our authoress is an Artist, and her book will do
+credit to Modern American Literature.</p>
+
+<p>Her Hero and Heroine are taken from the humblest walks of life; but our
+interest becomes almost at once, unconsciously enlisted in their
+welfare, and with intense excitement, pain, and hope, the thread of the
+narrative which depicts their chequered, trying and varied career, is
+perused. This effect is produced, without bombast or enervating
+sentimentality; simply because a story founded upon fact is narrated
+with becoming dignity, modesty and consummate Literary Art. The
+characters introduced throughout the work are numerous; but each
+possesses a peculiar, marked, and distinct individuality.</p>
+
+<p>A writer in the <i>Boston Literary Bulletin</i> says of it:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"I have read the MS. of "The Pawnbroker." Its principal scenes are
+laid in New York, shifting occasionally to New Orleans. It is written
+with great force, pathos, and ingenuity; and I have no hesitation in
+prophesying that it will be ranked with "The Lamplighter" and "The
+Wide, Wide World." Throughout the work a moral lesson is pointed; and
+although prolific in pictures of the most exciting nature,
+probability is never outraged by the introduction of mysterious
+impossibilities. It cannot fail of meeting with a large sale, and
+enviable popularity."</p></div>
+
+<p class='center'>LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, PUBLISHERS,<br />
+
+
+<span class="smcap">310 Broadway, N.Y.</span><br />
+<br />
+W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper, 24 Bookman Street.
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+<p class='center'>JUST PUBLISHED.<br />
+
+PLU-RI-BUS-TAH:<br />
+
+A SONG THAT'S BY NO AUTHOR.<br />
+
+BY<br />
+
+Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>This Book contains an unlimited quantity of hits at every body, of which
+every one must good naturedly take his share, to pay for the privilege
+of laughing at his neighbors.</p>
+
+<p>EMBELLISHED WITH ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR ILLUSTRATIONS, BY JOHN
+MCLENAN.</p>
+
+<p>As a History of the Country, this book is invaluable, inasmuch as it
+notices a great many events not mentioned by Bancroft, Hildreth, or
+Prescott. As a Novel, it is unapproachable, for it contains several
+characters unknown to Cooper, Dickens, Marryatt, or Bulwer. As a
+Mythological Work, it should be immediately secured, as it makes mention
+of a number of gods and deified worthies hitherto unknown to old Jupiter
+himself. As a Poem, its claims to consideration can not be denied, as it
+comprises a great many beauties not discoverable in "The Song of
+Hiawatha," besides several Indian names which were therein omitted.</p>
+
+<p>12mo, Muslin, Extra Gilt, price $1 00.</p>
+
+<p class='center'>
+LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, <i>Publishers</i>,<br />
+310 <span class="smcap">Broadway, New York</span>.
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+<p class='center'>Just Published.<br />
+
+DOESTICKS' NEW BOOK<br />
+
+PLU-RI-BUS-TAH.<br />
+
+A SONG THAT'S BY NO AUTHOR.<br />
+
+BY Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.<br />
+
+<i>An elegant 12mo. Price $1.</i></p>
+
+<p>This volume is enjoying a greater popularity than the Author's first
+book "<span class="smcap">Doesticks What He Says</span>," which sold the first five days
+of publication,</p>
+
+<p>12,773 COPIES.</p>
+
+<p>It contains an unlimited quantity of hits at every body, of which every
+one must good-naturedly take his share, to pay for the privilege of
+laughing at his neighbors, and <i>Embellished with one hundred and
+fifty-four Humorous Illustrations</i>, designed by John McLenan, whose
+reputation as an Artist is world-wide.</p>
+
+
+<p>CONTENTS.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Explanation&mdash;The Author's Apology&mdash;Introduction&mdash;The Pipe, and Who
+Smoked it&mdash;Who Came and Where He Came From&mdash;Fight Number One&mdash;Who
+Whipped, Who Died, and How Many Run Away&mdash;Fight Number Two&mdash;How Many
+Rounds, and Who Couldn't Come to Time&mdash;A Free-Love Marriage&mdash;The
+Gathering of the Clans&mdash;What They Went to Work at, and How Much They
+Got a Month&mdash;How the Hero Did a Great Many Things, and Who Helped
+Him&mdash;A Single-Handed Game of Brag&mdash;What a Woman Did&mdash;What the Hero
+Worshipped&mdash;Fight Number Three, with Variations&mdash;Matrimonial
+Endearments&mdash;Fight Number Four&mdash;A Compromise, and What Came of
+it&mdash;How a Woman got her Spunk Up, and Left the Country&mdash;The
+Consequences&mdash;Mother and Child both Doing Well&mdash;He Continues His
+Studies&mdash;His Progress&mdash;He still Continues His Studies&mdash;His Further
+Progress&mdash;Who Died, and What They did with Him&mdash;Funereal and
+Solemn&mdash;A Marriage, and What Came of it&mdash;Family Jars, and a
+Departure&mdash;Spirit Rappings and Spirit Drinking Mixed&mdash;What He
+Didn't&mdash;What His Mother Did, and Where She Went to&mdash;Cuffee
+Triumphant&mdash;An Unexpected Smash&mdash;Demolition of The Hero.</p></div>
+
+<p class='center'>NOTICES OF THE PRESS.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"We said of Doesticks' first work that it was a quaint teacher of
+morality and a promoter of good works, we are ready to reiterate in
+respect to this volume. There is not a vulgarity nor an indecency in
+its pages, but clothed in unusual garb, the burden of its song is
+morality, virtue, temperance, economy, patriotism. It rebukes
+pretension, it scathes deception, it withers arrogance, it exposes
+emptiness. Chapter IX.&mdash;What a Woman Did&mdash;is one of the best
+arguments for national union to be found."&mdash;<i>Newark Daily
+Advertiser.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"'Plu-ri-bus-tah' is a burlesque&mdash;broad almost beyond the scope of
+the imagination."&mdash;<i>Charleston, S.C. Standard.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Doesticks loves to indulge in a merry laugh at the expense of his
+neighbors, as a good Christian is bound to do."&mdash;<i>New York Tribune.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"This is far the cleverest thing that Doesticks has done."&mdash;<i>N.Y.
+Evening Post.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"It overflows with fun, and doctors should recommend it to all their
+patients who may be troubled with the spleen. Every leaf contains a
+sketch worthy of Punch."&mdash;<i>Boston Traveller.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"It is full of wit, sarcasm and fun. It is longer than Hiawatha,
+broader than Hudibras, and deeper than Punch."&mdash;<i>Philadelphia Sun.</i></p></div>
+
+<p class='center'>
+LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, PUBLISHERS,<br />
+
+310 <span class="smcap">Broadway, N.Y.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+<p class='center'>DOESTICKS.<br />
+
+
+
+Fully Illustrated with fine tinted Engravings, by the most eminent
+artists.<br />
+
+An elegant 12mo. vol. bound in Muslin, gilt extra. $1.</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, Publishers, 310 Broadway, N.Y.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+<p class='center'>A BOOK FROM "DOESTICKS."<br />
+
+THE GREAT AMERICAN WIT AND HUMORIST!<br />
+
+
+ORIGINAL VIEWS OF MEN AND THINGS.<br />
+
+BY Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fully Illustrated by the most eminent Artists, 12mo., bound in muslin,
+gilt extra</i>, $1.</p>
+
+<p>12,773 copies of this remarkable book, were sold in five days following
+the day of publication; and from every part of the country the demand
+still continues.</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>DOESTICKS:<br />
+
+What he Says.</p>
+
+
+<p>This volume, abounding in mirth-provoking sketches of persons and
+places, filled with humor, wit, and satire, convulses the reader with
+laughter from the title-page to the close. In the language of an eminent
+journalist, who speaks of the book:</p>
+
+<p>"From the first word in the introduction to the last of the narrative,
+Doesticks' book is a running fire of comicality. In taking up the book,
+the reader finds himself precisely in the same condition as the man who,
+after getting into a boat, is borne down a pleasant stream independent
+of his own volition. He must go on, and he is glad to go on, too."</p>
+
+
+<p>Contents.</p>
+
+<p>How Doesticks came to think of it; Doesticks satisfies Philander;
+Doesticks visits Niagara; Doesticks on a Bender; Seeking a Fortune;
+Railroad Felicities; Sees the Lions; Barnum's Museum; Model Boarding
+Houses; Potency of Croton Water&mdash;or an Aqueous quality hitherto unknown;
+Modern Witchcraft; City Target Excursion; A New Patent Medicine
+Operation; Doesticks Running with the "Masheen;" Street Preaching; A
+Zealous Trio; Disappointed Love; Modern Patent Piety; Church Going in
+the City; Benevolence run mad; Charitable Cheating; Millerite
+Jubilee&mdash;How they didn't go up; The Great "American Tragedian;" "Side
+Shows" of the City; New Year's Day in New York Amusement for the
+Million; A 2:40 Sleigh Ride; Cupid in Cold Weather; Valentine's Day; The
+Kentucky Tavern; The River Darkies; The Thespian Wigwam; Theatricals
+again; A Night at the Bowery; Mysterious Secrets of the K.-N.'s; A
+Midnight Initiation, Philander Fooled; A Diabolical Conspiracy; A
+Shanghae Infernal Machine; An Evening with the Spiritualists; Rampant
+Ghostology; Special Express from Dog Paradise; A Canine Ghost; 'Lection
+Day; "Paddy" <i>versus</i> "Sam;" Police Adventures; Mayor Wood Around;
+Damphool Defunct; Place of his Exile; Description Thereof&mdash;and Exit;
+Keeping the Maine Law; Theatricals once more; Shakespeare Darkeyized;
+Macbeth in High Colors; Young America in Long Dresses; Great Excitement
+is Babydom.</p>
+
+
+<p>Notices of the Press</p>
+
+<p><i>The Home Journal</i> (<i>N.P. Willis, Esq., Editor</i>), <i>says</i>:</p>
+
+<p>"Things so copied, so talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be
+lent to you, so quoted and so relished and laughed over, as Doesticks'
+writings never were launched into print."</p>
+
+<p>"This book will 'take,' and is bound to sell."&mdash;<i>Boston Post.</i></p>
+
+<p>"One can read the book again and again, and not tire."&mdash;<i>Detroit Daily
+Advertiser.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Any mirth-inclined reader will get the book's worth of fun out of four
+chapters in the work. It is beautifully illustrated."&mdash;<i>N.Y. U.S.
+Journal.</i></p>
+
+<p>"We can promise our readers a hearty laugh over this book."&mdash;<i>New
+Bedford Mercury.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The reader is advised to see to his buttons before procuring the
+volume."&mdash;<i>Salem Register.</i></p>
+
+<p>"No <i>original</i> comic writer has appeared in this country before Mr.
+Thompson, alias Doesticks; he will, we think, achieve a position as a
+literary humorist, of which he and his country will have occasion to be
+proud."&mdash;<i>N.Y. Critic.</i></p>
+
+<p>"We cordially recommend this volume, not only as a successful <i>debut</i> in
+a new field of literature, but as a quaint teacher of morality, a
+promoter of good works, and an improver of public taste."&mdash;<i>Newark
+(N.J.) Advertiser.</i></p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, Publishers, 310 Broadway, New York.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+<p class='center'>DOESTICKS' BOOKS.<br />
+
+12mo, Cloth, per Volume, $1 00.</p>
+
+<p>Among the numerous testimonials from the press in all sections of the
+country, we select the following, proving that the author's productions
+will be sought for and read by thousands of admirers.</p>
+
+<p>NOTICES OF THE PRESS.</p>
+
+<p>"A humorist and a satirist of a very high order. His blows are aimed
+with severe accuracy against a vast number of the follies, frailties,
+and humbugs of the day."&mdash;<i>Baltimore American, Md.</i></p>
+
+<p>"He shows up many of the modern popular humbugs in a very strong light,
+and handles them most unmercifully."&mdash;<i>Dayton (Ohio) Daily Empire.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Doesticks is a wonder. The same happy spirit seems to pervade the
+author and the artist&mdash;the illustrations of the latter are quite up to
+anything Cruikshank ever achieved in the same line. If anybody can look
+at these spiritings of the pencil without a loud laugh, he is certainly
+out of our list of even grand fellows&mdash;but to enter fully into the
+pleasing features of the work&mdash;to laugh over the jokes, to enjoy the
+home-thrusts of wit and satire, our friends must buy the book
+itself."&mdash;<i>Sunday Mercury, N.Y.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Doesticks is one of the few immortal names that were not born to die.
+Doesticks will always be with us. We have only to step into our library,
+and behold there is the ubiquitous Doesticks! We take him by the
+hand&mdash;we listen to the thoughts that breathe&mdash;the quaint philosophy&mdash;the
+piquant illustration! Doesticks all over&mdash;Doesticks in every page&mdash;in
+every line! Do you wish to make the acquaintance of Doesticks? Every
+body does."&mdash;<i>New York Railway Journal.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The illustrations are in admirable keeping with the general tone of
+these 'unprecedented extravagances,' and will help to introduce
+Doesticks and his companions to a large circle of acquaintances."
+&mdash;<i>McMakin's Philadelphia Saturday Courier.</i></p>
+
+<p>"'Doesticks' is irresistibly funny."&mdash;<i>P.T. Barnum's Letter to the N.Y.
+Tribune.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Renown has made the euphonious name of 'Doesticks' familiar to the ear
+of all the reading public throughout the length and breadth of the land.
+Those who would eschew the blues, and drive dull care away, should read
+Doesticks&mdash;what he says."&mdash;<i>Lansingburg Gazette, N.Y.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The 'Doesticks' book is before us. Its inimitable fun sticks to us long
+after we have shut the book&mdash;its rollicking humor comes back to us in
+gusts."&mdash;<i>Boston Chronicle.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Doesticks is an original genius. His book is just the thing to pick up
+at odd moments, when time hangs heavy, and the mind seeks to be
+amused."&mdash;<i>Gazette and Democrat, Reading, Pa.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The essays of the rich, racy, humorous, and original Doesticks will be
+read by thousands."&mdash;<i>New Orleans Bee.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Doesticks' fun is not of the artificial, spasmodic order, it arises
+from a keen perception of the humorous side of things."&mdash;<i>New York
+Tribune.</i></p>
+
+<p>"His blows at humbug are trenchant, and his sympathies are ever with
+humanity."&mdash;<i>Boston Evening Gazette.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Doesticks comes to us like a full and sparkling goblet, overflowing
+with the rich and brilliant sayings of an original mind. If you would
+drive away the 'Blue Devils,' purchase Doesticks, and every sketch you
+read will be better than any pill for the indigestion."&mdash;<i>The Uncle
+Samuel, Boston.</i></p>
+
+<p>"What Cruikshanks, Leech, or Gavarni does with the pencil, he
+accomplishes with the pen."&mdash;<i>The N.Y. Dutchman.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The author is a humorist and a satirist of a very high order. His blows
+are aimed with severe accuracy against a vast number of the follies,
+frailties, and humbugs of the day."&mdash;<i>American and Commercial
+Advertiser, Baltimore, Md.</i></p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>
+LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, <i>Publishers</i>,<br />
+310 <span class="smcap">Broadway, New York</span>.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+<p class='center'><i>Just Published.</i><br />
+
+A NEW AND IMPROVED EDITION OF THE CHEAPEST AND BEST WORK ON
+ARCHITECTURE.<br />
+
+THE CARPENTER'S ASSISTANT<br />
+
+AND<br />
+
+RURAL ARCHITECT.<br />
+
+<i>Illustrated with upwards of Two Hundred Copper and Electrotype Plates</i>;</p>
+
+<p>Embracing the orders of Architecture, Modern and Practical Stair
+Building, Plans, Elevations, Grounds, etc., etc., of Cottages, Villas,
+and Farm Buildings, including Church Edifices.</p>
+
+<p>BY WILLIAM BROWN AND LEWIS E. JOY,</p>
+
+<p>ARCHITECTS.</p>
+
+<p>
+<i>Twenty-first Thousand&mdash;Large Quarto, bound in Leather</i>, $3 50<br />
+<i>    Do.         Do.    Bound in Morocco, marble edges</i>,  5 00<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>OPINIONS OF THE WORK:</p>
+
+<p>[<i>From the Telegraph.</i>]</p>
+
+<p>This is a book which every carpenter and house builder should own.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Livermore</span>:</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;I have deemed the "Carpenter's Assistant and Rural
+Architect," by Messrs. Brown and Joy, published by you, as one of the
+most valuable guides and books of reference in my library, and take an
+early opportunity to congratulate you on the appearance of a <i>new and
+improved edition</i> of the work, which I have just purchased.</p>
+
+<p>The Lithographic Plates, comprising designs for church edifices, adds in
+my opinion a striking feature to the book, and I have no hesitation in
+averring that it will be sought for by every Architect, Builder, and
+Carpenter in our country, who wishes to possess the most concise and
+practical treatise published.</p>
+
+<p>
+Respectfully yours,<br />
+<br />
+SAMUEL PHILLIPS, Architect and Builder, Boston.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p><i>From Practical Carpenters and Architects.</i></p>
+
+<p>We, the undersigned citizens of Worcester, Mass., practical carpenters,
+are personally acquainted with William Brown, Esq., Architect, and
+author of a work, entitled the "<i>Carpenter's Assistant and Rural
+Architect</i>." We have examined that work with attention, and commend it
+to all who are interested in the study or practice of the art, as a
+valuable treatise on architecture, and it is eminently practical in its
+character. We cheerfully recommend it to the patronage of carpenters and
+the public.</p>
+
+<p>
+EDWARD LAMB,<br />
+FREEMAN UPHAM,<br />
+P.W. TAFT,<br />
+J.S. WOODWORTH,<br />
+M.H. MORSE,<br />
+S.D. HARDING,<br />
+W.R. BIGELOW,<br />
+HORATIO N. TOWER.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>I have carefully examined the "Carpenter's Assistant and Rural
+Architect," and believe it to be a work well adapted to meet the wants
+of the practical workman, being practical in its character, and valuable
+for the perspicuity of its arrangement, clearness of its designs, and
+brevity of its explanations.</p>
+
+<p>I would most cheerfully recommend it to the patronage of carpenters and
+students.</p>
+
+<p>
+ELBRIDGE BOYDEN, Architect.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Brown</span>:</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;I have examined your work on architecture, and feeling
+confident of its utility, from its extreme simplicity and singular
+adaptedness to meet the wants of the carpenters, I do cheerfully
+recommend it to the condition of every carpenter especially the
+apprentice, who will find all the rudiments of architecture necessary as
+well as designs for practice.</p>
+
+<p>
+A.L. BROOKS.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>
+LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, <i>Publishers</i>,<br />
+310 Broadway, New York.
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+<p class='center'>A BOOK THAT WILL MAKE ITS MARK!</p>
+
+<p>The undersigned have the satisfaction of announcing to the Public and
+the Trade that they have just published an original work of fiction of
+unusual interest and merit, by an American author, entitled,</p>
+
+<p>ASPENWOLD.</p>
+
+<p>The claims of this work to a high place in the front rank of our
+national literature will be admitted by every reader whose critical
+abilities enable him to appreciate authorial excellence.</p>
+
+<p>It is written in the form of an autobiography, like the works of
+<span class="smcap">Marryatt</span>, and will favorably compare with the best of that
+popular writer's productions.</p>
+
+<p>It is free from the hackneyed incidents which comprise the principal
+stock in trade of most of our modern novelists, and is emphatically</p>
+
+<p>A FRESH BOOK</p>
+
+<p>in the ripest sense of that much-abused term.</p>
+
+<p>For its strength and naturalness of description, the reader will be
+reminded of <span class="smcap">Cooper</span>; in the flowing style of its narrative, of
+<span class="smcap">Marryat</span>; in the earnestness of its thought and diction, of
+<span class="smcap">Currer Bell</span>; and in the completeness of its characters, of
+<span class="smcap">Charles Dickens</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The power and originality of the work will ensure it a wide sale, and
+secure a popularity for its author enjoyed by few.</p>
+
+<p>Embellished with a beautiful Frontispiece.</p>
+
+<p>408 Pages, 12mo, Cloth, Price $1 25.</p>
+
+
+<p class='center'>
+LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, <i>Publishers</i>,<br />
+310 <span class="smcap">Broadway, New York</span>.
+</p>
+
+<p>DESIRABLE ILLUSTRATED</p>
+
+<p>BOOKS FOR CHILDREN.</p>
+
+<p>BOUND IN BOARDS, RED CLOTH BACKS.</p>
+
+<p>UNCLE THOMAS'S STORIES</p>
+
+<p>FOR GOOD CHILDREN.</p>
+
+<p>Square 16mo, 72 Pages each, put up in Packages of 12, $1 50.</p>
+
+<p>
+CHARLES'S JOURNEY TO FRANCE,         By <span class="smcap">Mrs. Barbauld</span><br />
+STORIES ABOUT ANIMALS,               By <span class="smcap">Uncle Thomas</span><br />
+POETICAL TALES,                      By <span class="smcap">Mary Howitt</span><br />
+STORIES OF THE MONTHS,               By <span class="smcap">Mrs. Barbauld</span><br />
+PHEBE, THE BLACKBERRY GIRL,          By <span class="smcap">Uncle Thomas</span><br />
+GRIMALKIN AND LITTLE FIDO,           By <span class="smcap">Uncle Thomas</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>STORIES FOR CHILDREN,</p>
+
+<p>BY MRS. COLEMAN.</p>
+
+<p>Square 16mo, 64 Pages each, put up in Packages of 12, $1 50.</p>
+
+<p>
+CHARLES AND EMILY.<br />
+FAITHFUL WALTER.<br />
+ORPHAN BOY'S TRIALS.<br />
+LITTLE DOG TRUSTY, &amp;c., &amp;c.<br />
+TRUE BENEVOLENCE.<br />
+THE CARRIER PIGEON.<br />
+ANNA'S TRIALS.<br />
+JOHN'S ADVENTURES.<br />
+WENDELINE AND HER LADY-BUG.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p class='center'>
+LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD, <i>Publishers</i>,<br />
+
+310 <span class="smcap">Broadway, New York</span>.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p class='center'>LIVERMORE &amp; RUDD,<br />
+
+PUBLISHERS AND BOOKSELLERS,<br />
+
+NEW YORK,</p>
+
+<p>Having removed to their Large and Commodious Store,</p>
+
+<p>310 BROADWAY,</p>
+
+<p>Would announce to the Trade and Public, that they are prepared to supply
+at Publishers' Lowest Rates, all the Issues of the day, including
+<span class="smcap">Standard, Medical, and Theological Works</span>; and having special
+arrangements with the following Houses:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+PHILLIPS, SAMPSON &amp; CO,  Boston.<br />
+TICKNOR &amp; FIELDS,           "<br />
+LITTLE BROWN &amp; CO.,         "<br />
+CROSBY, NICHOLS &amp; CO.,      "<br />
+BLANCHARD &amp; LEA,       Philadelphia.<br />
+PARRY &amp; McMILLAN,           "<br />
+LINDSAY &amp; BLAKISTONE,       "<br />
+T.B. PETERSON,              "<br />
+J.B. LIPPINCOTT &amp; CO.,      "<br />
+H.C. BAIRD,                 "<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Keep constantly on hand all their Publications, and supply in quantities
+at their Rates.</p>
+
+
+<p>BOOK AGENTS WANTED.</p>
+
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The History and Records of the Elephant Club,
+by Knight Russ Ockside and Q. K. Philander Doesticks, Illustrated by John
+McLenan
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The History and Records of the Elephant Club
+
+
+Author: Knight Russ Ockside and Q. K. Philander Doesticks
+
+
+
+Release Date: May 7, 2010  [eBook #32274]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY AND RECORDS OF THE
+ELEPHANT CLUB***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Bryan Ness, Graeme Mackreth, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from scanned
+images of public domain material generously made available by the Google
+Books Library Project (http://books.google.com/)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 32274-h.htm or 32274-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32274/32274-h/32274-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32274/32274-h.zip)
+
+
+      Images of the original pages are available through
+      the the Google Books Library Project. See
+      http://books.google.com/books?vid=Oz3E2uZqCbUC&id
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:
+
+HISTORY AND RECORDS
+OF THE
+ELEPHANT CLUB.
+
+With
+ILLUSTRATIONS BY
+John McLenan
+NEW YORK
+LIVERMORE & RUDD.]
+
+
+The
+HISTORY AND RECORDS
+OF THE
+ELEPHANT CLUB;
+COMPILED FROM AUTHENTIC DOCUMENTS
+NOW IN POSSESSION OF THE
+Zoological Society.
+
+BY
+Knight Russ Ockside, M.D.,
+AND
+Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+New York:
+Livermore & Rudd, Publishers,
+310 Broadway,
+1857.
+
+Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1836, by
+Livermore & Rudd,
+In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the
+Southern District of New York.
+
+W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper.
+
+Geo. Russell & Co., Printers,
+61 Beekman-Street, N.Y.
+
+
+
+
+THIS IS THE VERITABLE AND VERACIOUS HISTORY OF THE DOINGS
+AND MISDOINGS OF THE MEMBERS OF
+
+THE ELEPHANT CLUB.
+
+WITH A MINUTE AND PARTICULAR NARRATIVE OF WHAT THEY DID;
+TO WHICH IS ADDED A COMPLEX AND ELABORATE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT THEY DIDN'T.
+
+CONTAINING ALSO THE EXULTANT RECORD OF THEIR
+MEMORABLE SUCCESS IN EVENTUALLY OBTAINING, EACH AND EVERY
+ONE, A SIGHT OF THE ENTIRE AND UNADULTERATED
+
+ANIMAL,
+
+FROM THE PRIMITIVE HAIR ON HIS ATTENUATED PROBOSCIS, TO THE
+LAST KINK OF HIS SYMMETRICAL TAIL.
+
+
+COMPILED
+BY ME,
+KNIGHT RUSS OCKSIDE, M.D.,
+AND ME,
+Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+This book has been written by the Authors, and printed by the
+Publishers, in the hope that it may be purchased by the Public. If it
+proves to be a failure, the responsibility must rest with the People who
+don't buy it.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+HOW THEY MET.
+                                                                       PAGE
+
+What there wasn't--What there was--A fancied recognition--Singular
+coincidences--Preamble and resolution--A third party--A fourth
+party--Accusation of petty larceny--Satisfactory explanation--Spirits
+in the closet--A mysterious letter--Alarm of Boggs--More mystery--A
+murder anticipated--The reason why--A perplexing predicament--A
+philanthropist discovered--A general embrace--An astonishing
+statement                                                               11
+
+
+HOW THE CLUB ORGANIZED.
+
+The second meeting--A learned dissertation--A document--Rules--Preliminary
+speeches and criticisms--Order of business--An election--Congratulations
+--The dinner                                                            35
+
+
+THE ELEPHANTINE DEN.
+
+Its location--The furniture and its arrangements--A sentinel
+elected--Punishment for intrusion--Resolutions adopted                  47
+
+
+FIRST DISCOVERIES OF THE CLUB.
+
+A new character--A glimpse at the animal--A tall talker--A
+proposal--Discovery of a group of street-statuary--A pistol-gallery
+--Bowling-alley--The oriental elephant--Novel pipes--Oriental
+experience--A member frightened--A new character--Playing
+Turk--Ceremony of initiation--Art in conchology--Astonishment of
+Johnny Cake--Engine No. 32-1/4.--The rope breaks--Hose 24-3/8--The
+race--Mixed-up spectacle--A general row after the fight--The Club
+resolved                                                                55
+
+
+FIRST EVENING WITH THE CLUB.
+
+Preliminary proceedings--Bobington Thomas confesses his profession--Thomas
+and his dogs--New York dog-pound--Thomas accepts silver--Mr.
+James George Boggs--Johnny Cake's railroad experience--A malignant
+conductor--A passenger sings--A second passenger wakes and joins in
+the chorus--Song interrupted by an accident--Results of the accident--Train
+in motion--The song finished--Johnny Cake's abstinence--First
+experience in Gotham--Curious coincident--Wagstaff's note book--The
+elephant seen--Members initiated                                        83
+
+
+THE COLORED CAMP MEETING.
+
+A dense smoke--Resolutions, preparations--The journey--Queer specimens
+of Religion--Corn whisky--Effects of a hymn--Return to Gotham          132
+
+
+FURTHER DISCOVERIES.
+
+Order enforced--Boggs practises the art of self-defence--Successful fight
+with the stove--Unsuccessful fight with the nigger--Quackenbush keeps late
+hours--Deacon Pettingill on a bender--Is taken to a gambling-house--Loans
+and loses ten dollars--Persecution of a corner grocery-man--A
+gunpowder plot--More of the Dutchman's troubles--Cousin Betsy--Love,
+pride and poverty--Mr. Buxton and the nigger--Shanghae coat--A gratuitous
+baptism--Conflict between Buxton and the darkey                        146
+
+
+THE CLUB IN AN UPROAR.
+
+South-ferry stages--Beginning of mishaps--The military--The Lager Bier
+Invincibles--The fat gentleman--Old maid faints--Battle of Broadway--An
+Irish funeral procession--One cent short--The journey's end--Overdale's
+juggling--Johnny Cake drunk--An examination of Johnny's companion--How
+he lived                                                               188
+
+
+JOHNNY CAKE'S FIRST SPREE.
+
+Johnny's fall--He goes into the Bowery--An artistic barkeeper--The fly--A
+Kansas official--Johnny Cake's delusion--A Chatham street auction--Johnny's
+sensation--The gift enterprise--Dropper's dream and hopes of
+success--The realization--Who didn't win                               212
+
+
+THE POLICE COURTS.
+
+Visit to Essex Market--Peculiarities of Edward Bobber--Palmerston hook
+the eel-catcher--The poet in Limbo--Warbles moralises--A German
+witness--The oath--Disturbed by cats--Mysterious caterwaulings--The mystery
+explained--Bad liquor--A Tombs lawyer--His retainer--An Irish
+wake--An eccentric corpse--A free fight--The corpse in court--The case
+concluded--Timothy Mulrooney--Michael's virtues--Timothy's cat--Mr.
+Blobb--A knowing officer--Old Dog Tray--Blobb discharged--Quackenbush
+confesses--Quackenbush forgiven                                        231
+
+
+THE HAMLET NIGHT.
+
+Attempt to swindle the darling public--The ghost--A small Hamlet and
+large Queen--The ghost in an overcoat--The death scene--Overdale's
+ideas--An unappreciative boy--Inconsistencies--Clockwork legs--A
+complicated case                                                       289
+
+
+MRS. THROUGHBY DAYLIGHT'S FANCY DRESS JAM.
+
+A complicated case--Mr. Spout's offer--Dropper bewildered--Spout expatiates
+upon the genius of Brown--The Turk and Choctaw--The fancy dress jam--The
+Elephants at the fancy dress jam--The result                           304
+
+
+CONCLUSION.
+
+The club in danger--Resolutions--The records of the club--Their
+compilation--The last of the Elephant Club                             318
+
+
+
+
+HISTORY AND RECORDS.
+
+HOW THEY MET.
+
+[Enter with a Flourish of Trumpets.]
+
+SHAKESPEARE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THERE were _no_ two horses to be seen winding along the base of a
+precipitous hill; and there were _no_ dark-looking riders on those
+horses which were not to be seen; and it _wasn't_ at the close of a
+dusky autumn evening; and the setting sun _didn't_ gild, with his
+departing rays, the steep summit of the mountain tops; and the gloomy
+cry of the owl was _not_ to be heard from the depths of a neighboring
+forest--first, because there _wasn't_ any neighboring forest, and,
+second, because the owl was in better business, having, some hours
+before, gone to bed, it now being broad daylight. The mountain tops, the
+lofty summits, the inaccessible precipices, the precipitous descents,
+the descending inaccessibilities, and the usual quantity of
+insurmountable landscape, which forms the stereotyped opening to popular
+romances, is here omitted by particular request.
+
+The time and place to which the unfortunate reader's attention is
+particularly called, are four o'clock of a melting afternoon in August,
+and a labyrinth of bricks and mortar, yclept Gotham. The majority of the
+inhabitants of the aforesaid place, at the identical time herein
+referred to, were perspiring; others were sweltering; still others were
+melting down into their boots, and the remainder were dying from
+sun-stroke.
+
+At this time, a young gentleman seated himself behind the front window
+of the reading and smoking-room of the Shanghae Hotel, in Broadway. The
+chair he occupied was capacious, and had been contrived originally, by
+ingenious mechanics, for the purpose of inducing laziness. The gentleman
+had taken possession of this article of furniture for the double purpose
+of resting himself from the fatigues of a month's inactivity, and also
+securing a position where he could see the ladies pass and repass, in
+hopes that the sight might dispel the dull monotony of a hotel life in
+the city, during summer. On this occasion, to secure additional ease,
+the individual had adopted the American attitude of raising his feet to
+a level with his head, by placing them upon a cast-iron fender behind
+the window--an attitude, by the way, not particularly characterized by
+its classic grace.
+
+There was nothing remarkable in the dress of the person to whom we have
+alluded. He was evidently a victim to the popular insanity of conforming
+to fashion. So strictly were his garments cut and made in accordance
+with the prevailing style, no one could doubt for a moment that the
+taste, or want of taste, manifested in his dress, was not his own, but
+the tailor's. In his hand he held a small cane, with which he amused
+himself, first, by biting the ivory head, then by making it turn
+summer-saults through the fingers of his right hand, after the manner
+in which Hibernians are supposed to exercise their shillelahs.
+
+Whether the activity in the streets, the appearance of the ladies with
+every variety of dress, or the gymnastic eccentricities of his cane,
+were particularly entertaining, is very questionable; certain it is,
+that the expression of his eyes showed gradually less and less of
+animation. By degrees his eyelids closed. His head soon vibrated with an
+irregular motion, until it found a support against the back of the
+chair. His hat fell from his head, and his cane dropped from his
+fingers. His muscles became fully relaxed. He was, undeniably, asleep.
+
+He had been sleeping nearly a half hour, when an individual, who was
+walking leisurely down Broadway, casually glanced in the window of the
+Shanghae, where our first person singular was sleeping, with more
+seeming comfort than real elegance of position. He seemed struck with
+the appearance of the sleeper, and pausing for a brief time to survey
+his form, contorted, as it was, into all sorts of geometrical
+irregularities, curves, angles, and indescribable shapes, he entered the
+hotel, passed around into the room where the sleeper was, and did not
+stop until at his side. He again stood for a moment, silently
+contemplating the form and features of the sleep-bound stranger.
+
+The second person was also singular. He was, apparently, about
+twenty-five years of age, with a full, florid, and expressive face. His
+body was quite rotund, even to corpulency; and, save a heavy moustache,
+his face was closely shaven. His clothes were of the thinnest material,
+and well adapted to secure comfort during the hot season. His
+expression, as he stood watching the first person singular, seemed full
+of doubt. At last, as if determined to remain in doubt no longer, he
+touched the somnolent first person lightly on the shoulder. First person
+singular opened his eyes with a spasmodic start, stared wildly about him
+for a moment, until his eyes rested upon the disturber of his slumbers.
+
+"Excuse me, sir," said second person singular, "but an irresistible
+impulse led me to awaken you. The fact is, sir, a few years since, I had
+an intimate friend who was lost at sea, and such is the resemblance you
+bear to him, the thought struck me that you might be he. Were you ever
+lost at sea, sir?"
+
+First person singular looked with some little astonishment upon his
+interrogator. He wiped the perspiration from his forehead, assumed an
+erect position in his chair, and replied:
+
+"I don't think I ever was."
+
+"It may have been your brother," said second person singular.
+
+"It couldn't have been, for I never had a brother. By the way, I did
+have an uncle who, on one occasion, when hunting in Illinois, some
+fifteen years since, was lost on a prairie. Perhaps it's that
+circumstance to which you refer?"
+
+"No, it was at sea. I'm sorry, sir, that I disturbed your sleep."
+
+"You needn't be," was the reply, "for I went to sleep without intending
+to do so."
+
+"Do you ever imbibe?" was the next interrogation.
+
+First person singular said he was guilty of no small vices, though he
+didn't care if he did take a brandy smash. The parties then adjourned to
+the inner temple of the Shanghae. Second person singular ordered the
+smash for his companion, and a sherry cobbler (so called from its
+supposed potency in patching up the human frame, when it is about
+falling to pieces under the influence of weather of a high temperature)
+for himself. A succession of singular coincidences followed. Each party
+suggested at the same moment, that it was confoundedly hot in the sun.
+Both simultaneously imbibed. Each said he felt better after it, and each
+undoubtedly told the truth. Both arose at the same instant, inquired who
+the other was, whereupon two autobiographies were extemporized in brief.
+They disclosed the following facts. First person singular's name was
+Myndert Van Dam; he was a descendent of one of the Dutch families who
+originally colonized Manhattan Island. He had been three years absent in
+Europe, and on returning a few weeks before, found most of his
+acquaintances had left the city on account of the hot weather, and his
+experience had been one of uninterrupted dullness. Second person
+singular rejoiced in the appellation of John Spout. His genealogy was
+obscure, but so far as he could learn, he was descended in a direct line
+from his great grandfather on his mother's side. If his ancestry had
+ever done anything which would entitle their names to a place in
+history, it was very certain that historians had failed to do their
+duty: for he had never found the name of Spout recorded in connection
+with great deeds, from the robbing of a hen roost down to cowhiding a
+Congressman. He was by profession an apothecary, and was laying off for
+a few weeks' relaxation. Mr. Spout concluded his personal narrative by
+suggesting the following proposition:
+
+_Whereas_, We have demolished a smash, and annihilated a cobler;
+
+_Resolved_, That we now proceed to devastate a couple of segars.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. Spout adopted the resolution unanimously, and by a further singular
+coincidence, they lighted their segars, and left the place for a
+promenade. A brisk rain beginning to fall, they sheltered themselves
+under an awning. A pair of gold spectacles containing a tall, sharp
+featured man, adorned with an unshaven face and a brigandish hat,
+approached them, and asked Mr. Spout for a light. Mr. Spout acquiesced.
+The party in attempting to return the cigar, accidentally touched the
+lighted end to Mr. Spout's hand, and not only burned his hand slightly,
+but knocked the cigar out of the fingers of third party; whereupon, Mr.
+Spout extemporized a moderate swear. Third party apologized, and offered
+a cigar to Spout and Van Dam from his own cigar-case, which they
+accepted; and he hoped that in their future acquaintance, should they
+feel disposed to continue it, he would not again involuntarily burn
+their fingers. He announced himself to be Mr. Remington Dropper, a two
+years' importation from Cincinnati, and a book-keeper in the heavy
+hardware house of Steel, Banger & Co., down town.
+
+"Mr. Dropper," said Spout, "I am happy to have made your acquaintance.
+My name is Spout--John Spout--chemist and apothecary, with Pound &
+Mixem, No. 34, opposite the whisky-shop. Allow me to make you acquainted
+with my old and valued friend Mr.---- Mr.---- what the devil did you say
+your name is?" said he, addressing Van Dam, aside.
+
+"Myndert Van Dam," suggested the gentleman speaking for himself.
+
+"Yes," resumed Spout, "Myndert Van Dam."
+
+As they shook hands, Mr. Dropper's attention was called in another
+direction. He desired his companions to notice the fact that a man was
+approaching with his umbrella, and having bought and lost too many
+articles of that description, he should not stand unmoved, and see the
+last one vanish from his sight.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+An individual of small stature, apparently about forty-five years of
+age, with hair of an undeniable, though not an undyeable red approached,
+holding over his head a silk umbrella.
+
+Mr. Dropper stepped forward and confronted him. He said he was aware
+that if every man were compelled to account for the possession of that
+which he claimed as his own, the world would hear some rich
+developments, in a moral point of view, respecting the tenure of
+property; and it was precisely for this reason that he had stopped him
+in the street. He inquired of fat party with the silk umbrella, if he
+saw the point of his remark. Fat party confessed his inability to
+comprehend its intent. Mr. Dropper then proceeded to state that when he
+called fat party's attention to the subject of titles to property in
+general, he did suppose that fat party would be led to ask himself
+whether he had a legal and equitable title to the umbrella in particular
+which he was then under. Fat party fancied that he _did_ perceive a
+lurking innuendo that he had stolen somebody's umbrella. Mr. Dropper was
+gratified to discover fat party's readiness of comprehension; at his
+request fat party brought down the umbrella, which discovered the
+following words painted conspicuously on the cloth outside:
+
+"STOLEN FROM R. DROPPER."
+
+Mr. Dropper insisted that there was the evidence, "R. Dropper," meaning
+Remington Dropper--Remington Dropper being himself--"Stolen from R.
+Dropper," by whom?--He would not assert positively that fat party was a
+hall-thief, but he would say and he did say, that his umbrella was found
+in fat party's possession, without his permission. Some old
+stick-in-the-mud had said somewhere, to somebody, sometime, that an
+honest confession was good for the soul, and if fat party would
+acknowledge the unbuilt whisky, he wouldn't appear against him on his
+trial for petty larceny. Fat party repudiated the idea that he was a
+thief. As far as Mr. Dropper's recollection assisted him he had always
+noticed that the biggest rascals protested their innocence the most
+emphatically. Fat party appealed to Mr. Dropper's magnanimity to hear
+his explanation, which Mr. Dropper consented to do.
+
+The explanation developed the fact that fat party was Mr. James George
+Boggs, late of the Department of the Interior, at Washington, who had
+arrived that afternoon in the city with his sister, Mrs. Banger, wife of
+Mr. Banger, of the firm of Steel, Banger & Co., who, it is already
+stated, were Mr. Dropper's employers. They went directly to Mr. Banger's
+counting-room, and whilst there it commenced to rain; Mr. Banger offered
+Mr. Boggs Dropper's umbrella to walk up with, Boggs accepted it, and on
+his way up had been stopped on suspicion of theft.
+
+Dropper made a humiliating apology, swore eternal friendship to Boggs,
+introduced him to Van Dam and Spout, and invited the party to his room
+to spoil a snifter from his private bottle. They accepted the invitation
+with commendable alacrity, and soon arrived at Mr. Dropper's cozy
+apartment, which was situated on one of the streets intersecting
+Broadway. At Mr. Dropper's request, they seated themselves in a circle
+around the table, with the view of calling up the spirits, but whether
+saintly or satanic, the compilers of these records do not venture an
+opinion. After sitting three minutes and twenty seconds in solemn
+silence, it was discovered that Dropper was a medium, as he was enabled
+to bring up the spirits in tangible and unmistaken shape from his
+closet, and forthwith communications of a very satisfactory character
+were made to the circle. Indeed, the opinion was very generally
+expressed, that the spirits were genuine spirits, and the medium an
+excellent test medium, through which they should delight, in future, to
+have further communications.
+
+As they finished their wine a knock was heard at the door. Dropper
+responded with a "Come in." An Irish servant put her head within the
+apartment:
+
+"Plase, sir," said she, "I have a caird here that a gintleman at the
+door towld me to give to the red-headed gintleman as just come in."
+
+Dropper viewed the card, and the four looked at each other for a moment,
+apparently with a view of discovering who it was that answered the
+description of a "red-headed gintleman." At last, Boggs spoke.
+
+"I think it must be me," said he, receiving the card from Dropper, and
+reading aloud, from the back of it, as follows:
+
+   "Sir, an old acquaintance desires to see you for a moment, in
+   relation to a matter involving your own interest."
+
+"Show him up," said Dropper, "it will only make one more--that is, if
+Boggs is agreed."
+
+Mr. Boggs had no objections to such course being taken, though he was
+deeply puzzled to know who the old acquaintance could be.
+
+In a moment, the servant introduced into the room a tall, spare
+individual, of about thirty-two years of age. He was ordinarily attired,
+and, though not seedy, his garments were by no means new. His face was
+closely shaven, and surrounded by a large standing collar. He looked
+around the room upon the different parties present, until his eyes
+rested upon Boggs. He then ventured to speak.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Gentlemen," said he, "excuse this interruption. The fact is, I have
+been seeking this gentleman for nearly three years past, and observing
+him in company with you, I could not forbear following to seek a brief
+interview."
+
+Boggs turned pale. Visions of cowhides and pistols came before his mind.
+
+"You are perfectly excusable," said Dropper. "We will leave the room, if
+you desire."
+
+"N-n-not for all the world," ejaculated Boggs, hastily. "I have not the
+slightest objection to your remaining."
+
+"Nor I," said the tall gentleman. "Your name," continued he, addressing
+Boggs, "is Johnson, I believe."
+
+Nothing could have relieved Boggs from the suspense under which he was
+laboring more than this last remark. The gentleman had evidently
+mistaken him for one Johnson, who had, probably, insulted or injured the
+tall individual, on some previous occasion. The blush again returned to
+Boggs' cheeks.
+
+"You are mistaken," said he, at last. "My name is Boggs."
+
+"Boggs--so it is," said the tall stranger. "My bad memory often leads me
+into errors. But the mistake is very natural--Johnson sounds so much
+like Boggs; but, whether Johnson or Boggs, you are the individual whom I
+seek."
+
+This announcement caused Boggs's courage to again descend into his
+boots.
+
+"It is three years since I have seen you," said the tall individual.
+"During that length of time, a person would be likely to forget a name.
+But your person, sir, that I could never, never forget," continued the
+tall man, solemnly, and throwing in a little melo-dramatic action, as
+he spoke, which made Boggs shudder.
+
+"C-c-certainly," said Boggs.
+
+"Mr. Boggs," said the stranger, "you probably don't recollect me."
+
+"C-can't say that I do," stammered Boggs.
+
+"That need make no difference," said the stranger, mysteriously. "I know
+you."
+
+The stranger then commenced feeling in his coat pockets with his hands.
+
+Boggs sprang to his feet, observing this movement, fully satisfied that
+the stranger was seeking his revolver or bowie-knife.
+
+"Sir," said Boggs, hurriedly, "if I have ever unconsciously done you an
+injury, I am ready to apologize. I can see no good reason why this
+apartment should be made the scene of a sanguinary conflict."
+
+"Sanguinary conflict--apology"--said the other, somewhat astonished. "My
+dear sir, the apology is due to you."
+
+Boggs's equanimity was once more restored. "You don't know how happy I
+am to hear you say so," said he. "Could you make it convenient to
+apologize at once, to fully relieve my mind of the frightful
+anticipations?"
+
+"With the greatest pleasure in the world, Mr. Boggs," said the stranger.
+"I apologize."
+
+"And I cheerfully forgive you," said Boggs.
+
+"Then you recollect the circumstance, do you?" asked the stranger.
+
+"Hang me if I do," said Boggs.
+
+"Then you forgive me in anticipation."
+
+"Certainly," replied Boggs. "But what the devil were you feeling in your
+pockets for so mysteriously?"
+
+"My _porte-monnaie_," replied the stranger, who at length succeeded in
+finding the object of his search. He took from it a gold dollar, two
+dimes and a cent, and placed them on the table before Boggs. "There,"
+said he, "is the sum of one dollar and twenty-one cents, United States
+currency, which amount is justly your due."
+
+"What the deuce does all this mean?" asked Boggs, in his bewilderment;
+"for between being waylaid in the street, accused of petty larceny,
+anticipations of being murdered, receiving apologies for unknown
+injuries, and the proffer of money from a total stranger, I hardly know
+whether I am standing on my heels or my head."
+
+The mysterious stranger then proceeded to make his explanation.
+
+"About three years ago," said he, "I invited a lady friend to the
+theatre. She signified her intention to accept the invitation. In the
+evening I called for her, attired in my best, and found her seated in
+the parlor attired in _her_ best. We arrived at the theatre. I had taken
+with me only a small sum of money--amounting in the aggregate to one
+dollar and thirty-seven and a half cents. I took the dollar from my
+pocket, and passed it to the ticket-seller, who took occasion to pass it
+to me again immediately, and putting his physiognomy before the seven by
+nine aperture through which the money goes in and the pasteboard comes
+out, he announced to me, in effect, that the bank note aforesaid, of the
+denomination of one dollar, was a base imitation. This was a perplexing
+position. Had I been the fortunate possessor of another dollar on the
+spot, I should not have been troubled. The lady's acquaintance I had but
+recently formed. My pride would not permit me to announce to her my true
+financial condition at that moment. Between pride and a hurried
+contemplation of the prospective frightful results of my monetary
+deficiency, I was completely bewildered. I stammered out something about
+having nothing with me except two or three shillings and a fifty dollar
+bill--the first of which, gentlemen, existed in the innermost recesses
+of my vest pocket, and the last in my imagination. I was wondering what
+the devil I should do next, when a gentleman with red hair addressed me.
+"Good evening, sir," said he, touching his hat, "did you say you have
+difficulty in getting a bill changed?" Without waiting for me to speak
+he said, "here's a dollar; you can return it to me to-morrow, when you
+call at my office to transact that matter of which we were speaking
+yesterday. Good evening." I looked in my hand, and found in it two half
+dollars and a card, upon which I perceived a name and address written. I
+was more bewildered than ever, owing to the unexpected deliverance, from
+what a moment before, I had believed to be an inextricable difficulty. I
+thought that heaven had deputed some red-haired angel to come to my
+relief. Then I doubted whether it was not a dream; but the weight of the
+two half dollars satisfied me that the whole thing was a tangible
+reality. The difficulty was dissipated, the funds were provided, and the
+necessary tickets purchased. Next morning I resolved to visit my
+deliverer, and give him my heartfelt thanks and a dollar. As I was about
+to leave on my joyful errand, I felt in my pocket for the card; it was
+gone. I was horror-stricken. I searched everywhere, but could not find
+it. I tried then to recall to my mind the name; but having read it under
+considerable excitement, it had not impressed itself upon my memory. I
+went to the theatre, in hopes to find it there, but in vain. For three
+months, gentlemen, all my spare time was employed in perambulating
+Broadway, and standing at the entrance of the theatre, in hopes of
+meeting my deliverer. Many are the short and red-haired gentlemen whom I
+have vainly pursued. A half hour since, as I was riding down Broadway in
+a stage, I saw my deliverer turning the corner of this street, in
+company with three other gentlemen. I stopped the stage, gave the driver
+a quarter, and without waiting to receive the change, I made a rush for
+the stage door, stepped on the silk skirt of a lady passenger, kicked a
+fat gentleman on the shins, knocked a baby out of an Irishwoman's lap,
+fell, and struck my head against the door, tumbled out, slipped on the
+Russ pavement, excited the mirth of the passengers and pedestrians, got
+up, and reached the corner just in time to see the party whom I followed
+enter this house. I rushed on, and after some little inquiry, succeeded
+in attaining this apartment. Gentlemen, Boggs was my deliverer."
+
+"Hurrah for Boggs," shouted Dropper.
+
+"Boggs, you're a philanthropist," said Spout.
+
+"_Vive le Boggs_," said Van Dam.
+
+"Gentlemen," said Boggs, "I protest against your unwarranted
+compliments. My dear sir," said he, addressing the stranger, "you only
+borrowed a dollar of me, whereas, I perceive you have given me one
+dollar and twenty-one cents."
+
+"Three years interest, at seven per cent," suggested the stranger,
+"Legally your due, and I insist upon your accepting interest as well as
+principal."
+
+Boggs, without further objection pocketed the proffered amount.
+
+"Your case," said Spout, to the stranger; "is one of morbid
+concientiousness; so much so that I feel desirous of knowing you
+better."
+
+"My name, gentlemen," said the stranger, "is Dusenbury Quackenbush."
+
+A general rush was made toward the stranger. Van Dam seized one hand,
+Boggs the other; Spout caught him by the arm, whilst Dropper, who was
+the last to reach him, threw his long arms around the whole party. For a
+moment there was general commotion, growing out of a fierce shaking of
+hands and arms. Each person loudly assured Mr. Quackenbush of the
+happiness he felt in having formed his acquaintance. As soon as they had
+relieved him from their affectionate welcomings Mr. Quackenbush spoke.
+
+"I am certainly happy to become acquainted with you, gentlemen,"
+remarked he, "but really I am fearful I shall not be a very interesting
+acquaintance in a _coterie_ of old friends, as you appear to be, and
+without doubt are."
+
+"Yes, we are old friends," said Spout, "our friendship is as enduring as
+the gullibility of the public, and I might add as ancient
+as--as--gentlemen excuse me if I fail in this point to institute an
+appropriate comparison. As an astonisher, however, I will inform you of
+a fact known only to Mr. Van Dam and myself; and which is, that, two
+hours since, not one of the gentlemen of this quintet had ever known
+another of it; if I except the case of Mr. Boggs and Mr. Quackenbush."
+
+"Mr. Quackenbush," inquired Spout, "allow me to ask whether you are
+acquainted with life in the metropolis in its multiform phases?"
+
+"I confess my ignorance," was the reply. "It is most unfortunate that
+the position of a teacher in a public school is one not calculated to
+bring an individual in contact with much that is interesting."
+
+"Taking that fact into consideration," said Spout, "I propose, that you
+all meet me at my room, two evenings hence, when I shall be prepared to
+unfold to you a purpose and a plan, which I have just conceived. My
+room, gentlemen, is over old Shavem's, the brokers, three doors from the
+corner. The number would be 461-1/2, if there were any on the door. You
+can't mistake the place, however; there is an antiquated pump in front,
+and when I'm at home there is a Spout inside."
+
+"Oh--h!" groaned Dropper.
+
+"Never mind," resumed Spout, "I don't often attempt such things. Can I
+depend upon your coming?"
+
+All gave an affirmative response.
+
+"Then," said Spout, "you can depend upon my going, I pronounce this
+meeting adjourned."
+
+After a few words the parties separated.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+HOW THE CLUB ORGANIZED.
+
+Put out the light, and then put.--SHAKSPEARE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE evening arrived on which the gentlemen, named in the last chapter,
+were to meet in the room of Mr. John Spout.
+
+Mr. Spout was there, awaiting the arrival of his friends. He was seated
+at the end of a table, in a large easy-chair, in his dressing-gown.
+Before him, on the table, were several written papers. The apartment was
+one of moderate dimensions, neatly carpeted, and, with plenty of
+furniture, unobjectionable in quality and taste. On the walls were
+suspended various pictures, engravings, fencing-foils, and masks,
+boxing-gloves, antique models, Indian ornaments, plaster casts of legs,
+arms, hands, feet, &c. On either side of the table were two chairs,
+placed there, evidently, in anticipation of the arrival of his friends.
+
+Several pipe-stems protruded from a pasteboard box, which was on the
+table. It required no unusual shrewdness to guess at the contents, and
+to rightly determine that it was filled with the best-abused, and, at
+the same time, best-used weed known.
+
+One by one, the other gentlemen arrived, and were ushered by the
+housekeeper into Mr. Spout's apartment. They sat, engaged in discussing
+tobacco and the events of the day. At length, Mr. Dropper inquired of
+Mr. Spout if he had as yet fully elaborated the idea which, on the
+occasion of the previous meeting, had seemed to weigh so heavily on his
+mind?
+
+"I was about to advert to the subject," said Mr. Spout. "It has engaged
+my undivided attention up to the present time, and the idea and plan
+based upon it are sufficiently perfected to satisfy myself."
+
+"Trot it out," said Boggs, "we are all attention."
+
+"The fact, gentlemen," said Spout, "that most of our number have been
+either absent from the city, or so much engaged in our different
+vocations that we have never gained, or have lost, familiarity with many
+interesting phases of life, as it exists in New York, suggested to me
+the thought of devoting some portion of our time to looking about, and
+having put our observations in writing, to interchange them for our
+mutual gratification."
+
+"A capital idea," said Mr. Dusenbury Quackenbush.
+
+"Brilliant with pleasurable results," remarked Mr. Myndert Van Dam.
+
+"Replete with rational enjoyment," suggested Mr. Remington Dropper.
+
+"I'm in," was the laconic response of Mr. James George Boggs.
+
+"Then I suppose I can count upon your cooperation in the realization of
+the idea," said Spout.
+
+A general affirmative answer being given, Mr. Spout continued.
+
+"You being unanimous," said he, "I'll now proceed to unfold my plans.
+To secure unanimity of action and entire success, it is necessary that
+we have a plan of organization. But in thinking upon this subject, I
+have foreseen that, by the adoption of any of the ordinary plans, we
+saddle ourselves with a useless machinery, which will hinder the
+successful accomplishment of the object we desire. We have no time to
+spare in discussing rules of order, the adoption of which invariably
+makes disorder the rule. Yet, there must be a head. In brief, then,
+gentlemen, I propose that the principles upon which our meetings shall
+be governed, shall be a despotic principle, but one which shall be
+compatible with the largest liberty of the governed. How do you like the
+idea?"
+
+"The idea looks paradoxical to me," said Van Dam.
+
+"Rather profound," suggested Quackenbush.
+
+"Funny," said Boggs.
+
+"I can tell better when I hear the rules," said Dropper.
+
+"I have them prepared," continued Spout. "Shall I read them to you?"
+
+"By all means," replied Van Dam.
+
+The others signified an affirmative response.
+
+Mr. Spout then proceeded to read:--
+
+We, whose signatures are hereunto affixed, do hereby organize ourselves
+into a club, having for its
+
+
+NAME,
+
+THE ELEPHANT CLUB, and having in view the following
+
+
+OBJECTS:
+
+1. The enjoyment and amusement of its members through.
+
+2. A profound study of the Metropolitan Elephant, by surveying him in
+all his majesty of proportion, by tracing him to his secret haunts, and
+observing his habits, both in his wild and domestic state.
+
+
+OFFICER.
+
+The only officer of the club shall be a Higholdboy, whose
+
+
+DUTY
+
+It shall be to sit in a big chair, at the end of the table, and to see
+that the members conform to the following
+
+
+RULES OF CONDUCT:
+
+1. In the meetings of the club, every member shall do exactly as he
+pleases.
+
+2. Each member shall speak when he pleases, what he pleases, and as long
+as he pleases.
+
+N.B.--If the remarks of any member are particularly stupid or tedious,
+the other members are under no obligations to remain and hear them.
+
+N. particular B. Should the speaker, at the conclusion of his remarks,
+find himself in the presence of only a part of his original audience,
+and some of those asleep; he is at full liberty, for his private
+satisfaction, to conclude that his eloquence, like that of the
+traditional parsons, is not only moving and soothing, as evidenced by
+the absence of some and the somnolence of others, but so satisfactory
+that those who were awake will never care to hear him again.
+
+3. No member shall be permitted to bring spirituous or fermented
+liquors, wine, beer, or cider, whether imported or domestic, into any of
+the meetings of the club, under the penalty of passing them around for
+general use; unless the member prefers to keep them to himself, from
+motives of economy--the economy in such case to be regarded as an
+offence, to be punished with a severe letting alone.
+
+4. The third rule shall apply to cigars, cheroots, and cigaretts.
+
+5. Ditto--ditto--sardines, Bologna sausages, crackers and cheese.
+
+6. Members are prohibited from sitting with their feet on the table,
+unless in that position they sit with more comfort, or they have other
+reasons satisfactory to themselves.
+
+N.B.--The Higholdboy, in consideration of his onerous duties, is
+exempted from the action of this rule.
+
+7. The Higholdboy is empowered to reprimand any member, when he
+considers it necessary to preserve the dignity of the club.
+
+N. special and particular B. In order that this rule shall not operate
+prejudicially to the sovereign rights of individuals, the members of the
+club are at liberty to treat the reprimand of the Higholdboy as a good
+joke.
+
+8. Any member who shall be absent from any meeting of the club, shall be
+liable to stand a half-dozen on the half shell for each of his
+fellow-members, unless he gives _no_ previous notice to the club, or any
+member thereof, of his prospective absence. Such notice, which he fails
+to give, to be either verbal or written, at his own option.
+
+9. These foregoing rules shall in all cases be construed strictly, they
+shall never be repealed or amended; and shall be of binding force,
+except as hereinafter provided in the
+
+
+ORDER OF BUSINESS.
+
+1. The Higholdboy shall announce the suspension of all rules for three
+months.
+
+At the conclusion, Mr. Spout, in a solemn tone, addressed the party.
+
+"Gentleman," said he, "I am aware that the rules, which I have prepared
+and submitted, are stringent in the extreme, but I think they will be
+found, on examination, to be no more so than is essential to secure that
+unanimity of action so indispensable to the accomplishment of any great
+end. Believing, then, that you fully appreciate the importance of the
+end we have in view, I trust they will meet with your approval.
+Gentlemen, I give way to others."
+
+Mr. Spout took his seat, amid manifestations of the approval of his
+associates.
+
+Mr. Boggs was the first to speak on the subject of the rules.
+
+"Gentlemen," said he, "unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, and
+overpowered as I feel at the present moment, I should do injustice to my
+own feelings, did I fail to endorse the excellence of the rules
+reported by my friend Spout, and to give my unqualified adhesion, in
+accordance with the spirit which pervades them."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. Dropper said that he had but one fault to find. He was by nature
+fond of resisting all rules, the idea of which he had always associated
+with a restriction of individual liberty. The rules proposed by Mr.
+Spout contemplated no restriction. They were so nice an adjustment of
+the relations between the governor and the governed that he could not
+find it in his heart to resist them. Hence he would be debarred his
+usual gratification of combatting them. Still he was willing to give
+them a trial.
+
+Mr. Quackenbush liked the rules very much, as he thought it was coming
+down to first principles.
+
+Mr. Van Dam said that, so far as he was concerned, the matter was all
+right; if it wasn't, "he'd make it right."
+
+An inquiry was made as to who would fill the office of the Higholdboy.
+
+Mr. Spout replied. He said that their club was an anomaly. It differed
+in its features from any organization which had ever been made. He
+thought that its individual peculiarities should be kept up in the
+matter of the election of its presiding officers. He was in favor of
+self-elevation to the position, and of letting the voluntary
+acquiescence of the members measure the duration of individuals' tenure
+of office--in other words, when they got tired of him, leave him to
+preside over a meeting composed of himself and the furniture. "Now,
+gentlemen," concluded Mr. Spout, "who wants to be a Higholdboy? Don't
+all speak at once."
+
+Van Dam looked at Boggs; Boggs glanced at Dropper; Dropper eyed
+Quackenbush, and Quackenbush turned his eyes upon Spout.
+
+"No one speaks," said Spout, "which leads me to believe that no one
+desires the position unless it be myself, which I confess, gentlemen, is
+true. Gentlemen, I declare myself duly elevated and installed into the
+office of Higholdboy of the Elephant Club, and when you survey my
+proportions, and look at the size of that chair, I am satisfied you
+will concede that I am well adapted to fill it. In conclusion,
+gentlemen, I ask of you your cooperation in forwarding the aims and
+purposes of this club. Mr. Boggs, will you pass me the tobacco-box?"
+
+"Certainly," said Boggs, as he passed the box, "and allow me to
+congratulate your constituency in having elevated you to so responsible
+a position."
+
+"A very respectable constituency of one--Spout," said Mr. Quackenbush.
+"But it is very funny, isn't it?" said he.
+
+"It's a go," said Dropper.
+
+Mr. Van Dam was very glad that he wasn't the lucky man, as he had such
+an abhorrence of responsibility.
+
+The question of the time and place of meetings was the next subject
+discussed. It was finally agreed to leave that matter for future
+consideration.
+
+"Gentlemen," said Spout, "I have assumed a responsibility, in
+anticipation of my attaining the Higholdboyship of this club. In this,
+perhaps, my course will not meet with your full approval; the nature of
+the step you will be apprised of in the room below. Will you accompany
+me?"
+
+The party assented, wondering what further surprise was to greet them.
+They entered a rear parlor on the first floor, where an excellent
+dinner was waiting them, got up at the expense of Mr. John Spout,
+Higholdboy of the Elephant Club.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A good dinner is an excellent ending for any thing--even a chapter.
+
+
+
+
+THE ELEPHANTINE DEN.
+
+Off with his head so much.--SHAKSPEARE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE Club now being organized, and the eager members anxious to begin at
+once their expeditions in search of the pachydermatous animal whose
+peculiar habits, in a state of metropolitan domesticity, were to be
+henceforth their care and study, it became necessary to fix upon some
+convenient place of rendezvous, at which they might convene to prepare
+for their excursions, and where they might reassemble, should any
+desperate chance divide their strength, and separate their numbers.
+After some discussion as to the most convenient locality, a room in
+Broadway was selected, as being less likely to attract attention if
+lighted up and showing signs of occupancy at an unseasonable hour; and
+as being easily accessible in case a member was compelled to evade the
+pursuit of an avenging M.P.; or should he be taken suddenly drunk, and
+stand in need of brotherly assistance. It was not on the first floor,
+lest it should be mistaken for a tavern; nor on the second, lest the
+uninvited public should stray up stairs, thinking it to be a billiard
+saloon; neither was it in the attic, as the gas didn't run so high; but
+on the third floor of an imposing building, a room was discovered,
+appropriate in dimensions, convenient in locality, and the rent of which
+was not so high but that its altitude was easily admeasured by a weekly
+V. It is not our present intention to designate the identical numeral
+which, in the directory, would point out the precise latitude of this
+mysterious apartment to the anxious inquirer. Suffice it to say that it
+was in the immediate vicinity of the public office of the man whose name
+is synonymous with that of the adolescent offspring of the bird whose
+unmelodious note once saved the imperial city from its fierce invaders,
+and that the occupation of this man of the ornithological appellation is
+to provide food and drink for hungry humanity. The relative situations
+of the club-room and this restaurant were such, that a plummet, dropped
+from the chair of the Higholdboy, would, if unimpeded by interposing
+floors, fall directly upon the private bottle of the amiable proprietor
+in the bar below.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+By the timely suggestion of Mr. Remington Dropper, ingenious advantage
+was taken of the proximity of an establishment so praiseworthy, and so
+conducive to the common comfort. A wire was arranged, running from a
+point ever in reach of the chair of the august presiding officer, thence
+to a bell in the room beneath. A system of tintinabulatory signals was
+contrived, that the dispenser of good things, on the first floor, might
+be made to comprehend the wants of the thirsty individuals in the loft,
+without their coming down stairs. One jerk meant "brandy smashes" all
+round; two pulls signified "hot whisky punches, with plenty of lemon;" a
+prolonged jingle was to be immediately answered by an unlimited supply
+of ale, porter and pewter mugs; while a convulsive twitch, or a couple
+of spasmodic tugs, signified to the man in waiting, not only that the
+entire club was "over the bay," but that they wanted, on the instant,
+soda-water enough to float them in safety to the shore again.
+
+The furniture of this private elephantine den was simple, but necessary,
+made not for ornament, so much as contrived for use, and consisted of a
+long table, with an extra quantity of super-solid legs, in case the club
+should all take a freak to go to bed on it at once--two chairs for each
+member, one for the customary use, and the other for the accommodation
+of his feet, an upright piano-forte, a huge match-box, and a wash-tub
+for empty bottles. A journal was also provided, in which to inscribe the
+proceedings of each evening, and, by general agreement, it was made a
+standing order that no man should write therein unless he was
+sufficiently sober to tell a gold pen from a boot jack.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The poker was chained to the grate, that it might not, in case of an
+unusual excitement, become a convenient instrument for the demolition of
+furniture, or the extinguishment of an offending member. For the same
+reason, the water-jug was tied to the door-knob, and the private tumbler
+of each member made fast to one of his chairs with an elastic band, so
+that, should he throw it at any one, he would not only miss the object
+of his unnoble aim, but the elasticity of the securing thong would cause
+it to recoil upon his own pate, with a force which would, probably,
+render him for the future less inclined to experiment in projectiles.
+Over the entrance-door, on the outside, was placed a toy elephant, two
+feet long, but four feet underneath, imported from Germany, at the
+unheard-of cost of ten dollars.
+
+The room being furnished, and the club ready to commence operations, it
+was deemed expedient to select an individual of superior physical
+strength to attend to the door, lest some intruding outsider might
+sometime interrupt the deliberations of the honorable quadrupedal order.
+Mr. Quackenbush elected himself to this dignified and honorable office,
+and, under the belief that his brawny arms were eminently suited to do
+duty in case of the irruption of sacrilegious outsiders upon the
+sanctified premises, all the other members acquiesced in his promotion.
+If any undesirable person presented himself for admission, he was to
+inform him of the secrecy of the convention. Should the outsider
+persevere, he was first to expostulate with him, and endeavor to
+persuade him to go peaceably away. If all milder means should prove
+unavailing, he was first to black both of his eyes with a pewter mug,
+taking care to do it impartially and symmetrically, that the
+discoloration of one optic should not in the least exceed that of the
+other; he was then mildly to knock him down with a chair, pitch him
+gently, head first, down both flights of stairs into the street, and
+then, having filled his boots full of gravel, and put a brick in his
+mouth, he was to leave him; but on no account was he to deal harshly
+with such offender, unless he chose to do so on his own responsibility,
+or was specially authorized by a unanimous vote of all the members
+awake, in which case he might act his own pleasure. He solemnly bound
+himself, in case he should at any time be overcome by fatigue, or any
+other potent cause, that he would go to sleep immediately before the
+threshold, in order to prevent any animated worldling from penetrating
+into the secret den, and spy out the mystic doings of the elephants,
+without forcing an entrance over his prostrate body.
+
+The arrangements being now complete, a solemn convocation of the
+honorable body was held, and a quadrupedal quorum being present, after a
+smoky and juicy deliberation of some seven hours, the Higholdboy, Mr.
+John Spout, unanimously _Resolved_:
+
+1. That the club proceed to hunt the long-nosed animal.
+
+2. In a body.
+
+3. To-morrow night.
+
+To this series of resolutions each of the other members acceded. The
+result of this bold determination will be fully detailed in another
+chapter.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+FIRST DISCOVERIES OF THE CLUB.
+
+   "He who fights and runs away,
+   Will live--"
+
+A. NONYMOUS.
+
+
+Pursuant to the resolutions unanimously adopted on the evening before,
+the Elephant Club met to proceed, under the direction of some
+experienced hunter, to scrutinize their ponderous game. Being duly
+equipped with all the arms and ammunition required for an expedition of
+so perilous a nature, they sallied forth. They dragged no heavy,
+ponderous artillery, they wore no clanking swords, they rallied under no
+silken banner, and marched to no inspiriting music; but they tramped
+along, their only rallying-flag being a yellow handkerchief round the
+hat of Mr. Myndert Van Dam, who had thus protected his "Cady" from any
+injury from a sudden shower; their only martial music was the shrill
+pipe of Mr. James George Boggs, who whistled "Pop goes the Weasel," and
+for arms each one had a hickory cane, and in the breast pocket of his
+overcoat, a single "pocket-pistol," loaded, but not dangerous. Mr.
+Remington Dropper had assumed the leadership, and was to conduct the
+party on their cruise.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+They had proceeded but a short distance when Mr. Boggs called out to the
+party to observe the motions of a queer-looking character, who was
+approaching at a distance of a half block. He was stepping on the edge
+of the sidewalk with his gaze fixed upon the gutter, and in apparent
+unconsciousness of the existence of anything but himself. He was lank,
+lean, and sallow. His clothes were quite dilapidated, his beard and hair
+long. A smile on his face seemed to indicate his entire satisfaction
+with himself. He was a marked character, and after a moment's sight at
+the individual, inquiries were made of Mr. Boggs as to who he was.
+
+"That is more than I can say," was Boggs's response. "I have known him
+by sight for years, and he has always appeared the same. He belongs to a
+class of beings in New York, a few specimens of which are familiar to
+those who frequent the principal thoroughfares, and are known by the
+ornithological appellation of "gutter-snipes." I have often talked with
+him, but he knows nothing of his own history; or, if he does, chooses
+not to reveal it. He is a monomaniac, but perfectly harmless, and calls
+himself Nicholas Quail. I have learned from other sources a few facts of
+his history. He sleeps anywhere and everywhere, and eats in the same
+localities. Nobody ever harms him, all being familiar with his whims. As
+far as I can learn, he was formerly a raftsman. He has never in his life
+owned real estate enough to form the site for a hen-coop, nor timber
+sufficient to build it. His personal property could be crowded into a
+small pocket-handkerchief; but let him get four inches of whisky in him,
+and he fancies he has such boundless and illimitable wealth, that in
+comparison, the treasures of Aladdin, provided by the accommodating
+slave of the lamp, would be but small change. He walks about the streets
+viewing what he terms the improvements he is making; he gives all sorts
+of absurd directions to workmen as to how he desires the work to be
+done, much to their amusement. But here he is, now; if he is tight we'll
+have some sport."
+
+As the personage approached, Boggs accosted him, when the following
+dialogue took place.
+
+"So Nicholas," said Boggs, "you've come back, have you? How is the
+financial department at present?"
+
+Nick looked up and smiled.
+
+"The fact is," said he, "I've just been buying all the grain in
+Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana for $7 a bushel, and I am rather
+short for small change, but if you want a hundred thousand or so, just
+send a cart round to my office. Would you prefer having it in quarter
+eagles or twenty dollar pieces?"
+
+"Well, Nick, I don't care to borrow at present, but a boy says you've
+been drunk. How is it?"
+
+"What boy is it?"
+
+"Your boy in your counting-room--the urchin who runs on errands for you,
+smokes your stubs, and pockets the small change."
+
+"Now, hadn't he ought to be ashamed of himself, the red-haired devil,
+for getting Old Nick into such a scrape by his drunken lies? Haven't I
+made him presents enough? It was only last week that I gave him a house
+in Thirty-second street, and a splendid mansion on the North River; and
+on the 4th of July he had fourteen thousand dollars, all in pennies, to
+buy fire-crackers and soda-water with; and yet he goes to you and lies,
+and says that I've been drunk. Don't you believe the lying cub; he's got
+a spite agin me, because last night I wouldn't give him the Erie
+Railroad to bet on poker; but I couldn't do it, General; I seen the
+cards was agin him; the other feller held four kings, and he hadn't
+nothin' in the world but three high-heeled jacks and a pair of fours."
+
+"I do believe you were drunk," said Boggs, "and if you ever get hauled
+up before the justice you will have to pay ten dollars, and if you have
+not that decimal amount handy, you had better entrust it to the boy's
+keeping, to have it ready in case of such an emergency."
+
+Nick felt in his pockets, and with a puzzled air remarked:
+
+"I haven't got the money here, but I'll give you a check on the Nassau
+Bank for a thousand, and you can give me the change; or I'll give you a
+deed of Stewart's, or a mortgage lien on the Astor House."
+
+"Shan't do it, shan't do it, Old Nick; and I'm afraid you'll have to go
+to Blackwell's Island, sure."
+
+"There's that infernal island again," said Nick; "if I'd ever thought it
+would come to this, I never'd have given that little piece of property
+to the city; but I'll buy it back next week, and use it hereafter for a
+cabbage garden; see if I don't."
+
+By this time the Elephants seemed to disposed to go, but Nick spied on
+the shirt-front of Mr. John Spout a diamond pin, which seemed to take
+his fancy. He offered in vain a block of stores in Pearl street, the
+Custom-House, the Assay-Office, the Metropolitan Hotel and
+three-quarters of the steamer Atlantic, and to throw into the bargain
+Staten Island and Brooklyn City; but it was no use, the party took their
+leave, and Nick was disconsolate.
+
+Passing up Broadway, their attention was attracted by one of those
+full-length basswood statues of impossible-looking men, holding an
+impracticable pistol in his hand, at an angle which never could be
+achieved by a live man with the usual allowance of bones, but which
+defiant figure was evidently intended to be suggestive of a
+shooting-gallery in the rear.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. John Spout, who was in a philosophic mood, remarked that it was a
+curious study to observe the various abortive efforts of aspiring
+carpenters to represent the human form divine, in the three-cornered
+wooden men, which stand for "pistol-galleries;" and the inexplicable
+Turks, the unheard of Scotchmen, and the Indians of every possible and
+impossible tribe, which are supposed to hint "tobacco and cigars."
+
+The ambitious carpenter first hews out a distorted caricature of a man,
+which he passes over to the painters to be embellished. By the time the
+figure has survived the last operation, it might certainly be
+worshipped without transgressing any scriptural injunction, for it
+certainly looks like nothing in "the heavens above, the earth below, or
+the waters under the earth." It is, however, an easy matter to
+distinguish the Highlanders from the Turks, by the fact, that the calves
+of their legs are larger around than their waists, and they are dressed
+in petticoats and plaid stockings; the Turks and Indians, however, being
+of the same color, might easily be confounded, were it not for the
+inexplicable circumstance that the former are always squatting down,
+while the latter are invariably standing up; they are all, however,
+remarkable for the unstable material of which their countenances are
+manufactured; after one has been exposed to the boys and the weather for
+about a fortnight, his nose will disappear, his lips come up a minus
+quantity, the top of his head be knocked off, and a minute's scrutiny
+will generally disclose the presence of innumerable gimlet-holes in his
+eyes. The boys, in their desire to comprehend perfectly the internal
+economy of these human libels, not unfrequently carry their anatomical
+investigations to the extent of cutting off a leg or two, and amputating
+one or more arms, or cutting out three or four ribs with a buck-saw or a
+broad-axe. Indeed, there is one unfortunate wooden Indian, of some
+fossil and unknown tribe, on exhibition in front of a snuff-shop in the
+Bowery, who has not only lost both legs, one arm, and his stomach, but
+has actually endured the amputation of the head and neck, and bears a
+staff stuck in the hole where his spine ought to be, and upon a flag is
+inscribed the heartless sentence, "Mrs. Miller's Fine Cut--for
+particulars inquire within."
+
+Mr. John Spout having concluded his explanatory remarks, the entire
+party went into the pistol-gallery before-mentioned, to have a crack at
+the iron man, with the pipe in his mouth.
+
+The nature of Mr. Quackenbush's profession, that of a teacher, was not
+such as would make him familiar with the use of fire-arms, and, in point
+of fact, he had about as good a notion of pistol-shooting as a
+stage-horse has of hunting wild bees; but he resolved to try his hand
+with the rest. When it came to his turn to try, he spilled the priming,
+and fired the hair-trigger instrument, accidentally, four times, to the
+imminent danger of the bystanders, before he could be taught to hold it
+so that it wouldn't go off before he got ready. He finally got a fair
+shot, and succeeded in breaking a window immediately behind him, after
+which he concluded he would not shoot any more.
+
+As the other side of the room was used for a bowling alley, the company
+proceeded to have a game of ten-pins; and here, again, Mr. Quackenbush
+distinguished himself. After dropping one ball on his toes, and allowing
+another to fall into a spittoon, he succeeded in getting one to roll
+down the alley; with his second ball, by some miraculous chance, he got
+a "ten-strike," knocking down, not only all the pins, but also the
+luckless youth who presided over the setting-up-department.
+
+Having refreshed themselves, the party once more regained Broadway, and
+consulted as to what place should be visited next.
+
+Mr. Spout suggested that he would like to smoke. Nobody dissented except
+Mr. Dropper, who said he had read the day previous, in the morning
+papers, that a Turkish elephant had arrived in town, and was on
+exhibition on Broadway, above the Metropolitan Hotel. Thinking that a
+comparison instituted between the Turkish quadruped and the one which it
+was their particular office to study, might be of benefit to the members
+of the club, in their investigations, Mr. Dropper suggested that the
+smoking be dispensed with, until they should come into the presence of
+the oriental animal. Onward the zoological specialists sped their way,
+sometimes marching in Indian file, and sometimes arm-in-arm, running
+over little boys, dirty dogs, drygoods boxes, low awnings and area
+railings, until at last Mr. Dropper cried "Halt!" before the portals of
+the den wherein the mysterious elephant, which had arrived from
+Constantinople, was concealed. It became a question who should lead in
+making an entrance. Boggs was fearful, Van Dam was afraid, Spout was
+cautious, Quackenbush would a little rather not, but Dropper's courage
+failed not, and he walked boldly into the outer temple, followed by his
+timid associates. Here they discovered a long counter, and a glass
+show-case, in which were displayed queer shoes, quaint tooth-picks,
+funny pipes, and singular ornaments. A glass jar, filled with a
+rose-pink fluid was also on the counter. A tall gentleman with a
+ferocious moustache, and a diminutive red cap, without a front-piece,
+met them. Mr. Quackenbush's curiosity was in a single direction; he said
+he wanted to go through the harem. They finally entered into the rear
+apartment. Here their wondering eyes beheld a long room, well lighted
+with gas. In the centre was a small basin, in which goldfish were
+indulging in their accustomed aquatic sports. On either side were
+arranged wide divans, covered with red drapery and high pillows. Small
+stands were arranged in front of them. Various parties were seated with
+novel inventions before them, suggested by the minds of ingenious Turks,
+to accomplish the destruction of the tobacco crop. The members of the
+Elephant Club placed themselves on the divans, and after they had
+arranged themselves to their satisfaction, their oriental friend
+approached them, and gave to each a "programme" of Turkish delicacies.
+Mr. Spout inquired what a _nargille_ was, and was informed that it was a
+water-pipe. Mr. Spout insisted that he preferred a pipe wherein fire,
+rather than water, was the element used. Mr. Boggs said he would take a
+_chibouk_ on trial. Mr. Spout coincided, and called also for a
+_chibouk_. But Van Dam ordered three _nargilles_, one for himself,
+another for Dropper, and a third for Quackenbush. The _chibouks_ were
+produced, and Boggs and Spout commenced smoking in earnest.
+
+In the mean time, the _nargilles_ were produced for the other members of
+the club. Van Dam backed down at their first appearance. The glass vase,
+having in it water below and fire above, looked suspicious, and added to
+that was a mysterious length of hose, which was wound about in all
+directions, commencing at the fire, and running around the vase, about
+the table legs, over the chair, back through the rounds, about his
+legs, around his body, and finally came up over his shoulder, and
+terminated in a mouth-piece. Mr. Van Dam's first sensations, after these
+preliminaries had been arranged, were that he was in imminent danger of
+his life, and acting upon this impulse, he obstinately refused to go the
+_nargille_, remarking, that they might be harmless enough in the hands
+of the Turks, who knew how to use such fire-arms, but he thought
+prudence dictated that he should keep clear of such diabolical
+inventions.
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+Dropper and Quackenbush, however, had no fears, but their drafts on the
+fire, through the hose, were not honored with smoke. They exhausted the
+atmosphere in their mouths, but get a taste of smoke they could not,
+and, in despair, Mr. Quackenbush called in the proprietor for an
+explanation of the mysteries of fumigating _a la Turque_. In compliance
+with the request, the gentleman informed the amateur Turks that they
+must inhale the smoke. Dropper protested that he wouldn't make his lungs
+a stove-pipe to oblige anybody--even the sultan and his sultanas--and he
+accordingly dropped the hose, and ordered a _chibouk_. Quackenbush,
+however, made the effort, but a spasmodic coughing put an end to further
+attempts, and the result was that another _chibouk_ was called for. Each
+member of the club began to feel himself sufficiently etherealized to
+aspire to a position in a Mahomedan heaven, where he could be surrounded
+by the spirits of numberless beautiful _houris_, when the attention of
+Mr. Spout was attracted to a young gentleman, seated on a divan, in the
+rear of the apartment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He was smoking a ponderous _chibouk_, and the cloudy volumes sent forth
+from his mouth hung about his form, quite obscuring him from sight.
+Occasionally, however, he would stop to breathe, which gave the members
+of the club an opportunity to survey his appearance. He was a young man
+of about twenty-two years, small in stature, with a pale, delicate skin,
+and light hair, plastered down by the barber's skill with exactness. He
+had no signs of beard or moustache. He was evidently making mighty
+efforts to become a Turk. He sat on the divan, with his legs drawn up
+under him, adopting the Turkish mode of inhaling the smoke, and he
+followed one inhalation by another with such fearful rapidity that the
+first impulse of the uninitiated would have been to cry out fire. But he
+evidently didn't sit easy, for after a few minutes, he pulled his legs
+out from under him and stretched them out at full length, to get out the
+wrinkles. The Turkish manner of sitting was, evidently, attended with
+physical inconveniences, for, after about a dozen experimental efforts,
+he gave it up, put his heels on the table, and laid himself back against
+the cushions. Still, however, he continued to smoke unremittingly (as if
+to make up in that what he lacked in ability to sit in the Turkish
+posture). But it was soon manifest that the young man was suffering. His
+face was deathly pale, and, dropping his _chibouk_, he called out for
+his oriental host. The gentleman in the red cap appeared, and the
+sufferer informed him that he "felt so bad," and he placed his hand on
+his stomach, denoting that as the particular seat of his difficulty. The
+benevolent Turk suggested exercise out of doors, and, as the elephant
+hunters were about going out, they offered to accompany him to his home.
+The offer was accepted, and the youth, sick in the cause of Turkey,
+left, supported by Dropper and Quackenbush.
+
+A walk of a few squares relieved the young gentleman of the extremely
+unpleasant sensations, when he begged leave to express his thanks to the
+gentlemen for their kindness. He took occasion to inform them that his
+name was John I. Cake, late a resident of an interior town in Illinois,
+where his parents now reside. He was, at present, living in New York
+with an uncle, who was a banker in Wall-street, under whose tuition he
+was learning rapidly how to make inroads upon the plunder of his
+neighbors, without being in danger of finding his efforts rewarded with
+board and lodging at the expense of State. He had been educated at a
+country college, and knew nothing of city life, except what he had seen
+in Wall street.
+
+Mr. Spout said that he was very happy to have met him, and inquired
+whether he would like to have an opportunity of seeing the elephant.
+
+Mr. John I. Cake said that nothing would please him better. Mr. Spout
+proceeded at once to inform him that the gentlemen who were present were
+members of an organization gotten up for that express purpose, and which
+was known among themselves as the Elephant Club; further he said to Mr.
+Cake, that if he desired to join, they would administer the obligation
+to him that evening, and initiate him into the order.
+
+Mr. Cake said by all means. At this time the party had reached the front
+of a church, in the shadow of which they stopped. Mr. Spout, as
+Higholdboy, announced that the Elephant Club was now organized. "Mr.
+Cake," said he, "step forward and receive the obligation."
+
+Mr. Cake did step forward with a bold and determined step.
+
+Mr. Spout continued: "Let your arm," said he, "hang in an easy position
+from the right shoulder. Now let the digits of your other hand point
+'over the left.' Now then, Mr. John I. Cake, late of the State of
+Illinois, but now encircled with, the moral atmosphere of Wall street,
+you do solemnly swear, by the sacred horn spoons, that you desire to
+become a member of the Elephant Club, that you are willing, on becoming
+a member, to do as you please, unless it pleases you to do something
+else; that you will never kick a big Irishman's dog, unless you think
+you are smart enough to thrash his master; that you will be just as
+honest as you think the times will economically allow; that you will,
+under no circumstances buy and smoke a 'penny grab,' so long as you have
+philanthropic friends who will give you Havanas. All of this you
+solemnly swear, so help you John Rogers."
+
+"Perhaps," was the response of Mr. John I. Cake.
+
+"Having given the correct response," said the Higholdboy, "you are
+pronounced a member of the Elephant Club, when you shall have duly
+favored us with the initiative sit down."
+
+"Good!" said Mr. Cake, "where shall it be?"
+
+"Wherever good oysters are to be procured," said Mr. Dropper.
+
+"Here you are, then," remarked Quackenbush, as he pointed to a sign over
+a subterranean door-way, over which was inscribed the words,
+
+   "Here are the spot
+   Where good oysters is got."
+
+The club descended into the saloon, and Mr. Cake called for six half
+dozens on the half shell.
+
+Now, be it known to the readers of these records, that Mr. Cake was
+unacquainted with the perfection to which many departments of manual
+labor had reached, and being naturally of an inquiring turn of mind, he
+stayed outside to watch the feats of the young man who brandished the
+oyster-knife. This gentleman was an adept at his profession. With the
+most perfect grace of motion, he would lift the oyster in his left
+hand, lay its edge gently on a small iron standard, give that edge two
+delicate raps with the butt of the oyster-knife as a signal to the
+oyster that its turn had now come, when immediately the shells would
+open, the upper half would jump off and fall below, and the oyster would
+smile at the young man as he took the knife, and delicately stroked down
+its beard. All of this transpired in a very short period of time, which,
+with the artistic grace displayed by the professor, was sufficient to
+astound Mr. Cake. Indeed, he had entirely forgotten his companions in
+his admiration of conchological anatomy.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The oysters were placed before the gentlemen, and partaken of with a
+relish. But Mr. Cake had not seen enough to gratify his wishes. He
+ordered another dose all around, and again took his position outside to
+watch the operation of divesting the oysters of one half of their
+natural exterior protection. Without doubt, the young man's merits, at
+his particular vocation, were great; but Mr. Cake magnified them, in his
+intense admiration, most alarmingly. To him, it seemed as if each
+particular oyster was waiting for its turn to come, and only wanted a
+wink from the young man, when it would jump into his grasp, proud that
+it was permitted so soon to be sacrificed by such a hand. Mr. Cake was
+transfixed; he never moved his eyes until the second, third and fourth
+installment of shell-fish were served up.
+
+Mr. Boggs then spoke about drinks. Johnny protested that he never drank
+anything that would intoxicate--in fact, he was an uncompromising
+teetotaller. Still, however, he had no objections to treating the crowd,
+as that would give him an opportunity to remain a few minutes more with
+the object of his admiration. He continued to watch the motions, whilst
+his friends were doing justice to the spirituous decoctions. At last Mr.
+Spout told Johnny that it was time to go. Johnny went to the bar, paid
+the bill, and, as the party regained the street, Johnny Cake said, with
+a sigh, that he only wished he were an oyster, that he, too, might be
+the willing victim of that young man's knife. But, inasmuch as he was
+not, it was his intention to gratify his desire to see the young man's
+manipulations by coming every night until he was satisfied.
+
+It is a fact which may be asserted, that Mr. Johnny Cake, as the members
+of the club had now learned to call him, with forty "oysters and the
+fixens" on board, did not walk with much apparent comfort.
+
+The club stopped to deliberate, but in the midst of their deliberations
+the City Hall bell sounded, and instantly commenced all that furious
+uproar peculiar to Gotham at the sound of an alarm of fire. A crowd of
+screaming men and boys came tearing along, dragging Engine No. 32-1/2,
+which hung back and jumped about, as if determined not to go at any
+hazard. About half a block in advance of this crazy throng rushed a
+frantic man, with a red shirt and a tin trumpet. Each individual yelled
+as if the general resurrection were at hand, and he under special
+obligations to wake up some particular friend. The rheumatic engine held
+back with all its power, and seemed, for the moment, endowed with a kind
+of obstinate vitality. Now it threw its wheel round a lamp-post, then it
+tumbled against the curb-stone, then it ran its tongue into an awning,
+then affectionately embraced with its projecting arms a crockery-wagon,
+and finally, with a kind of inanimate dogged determination not to go
+ahead, in turning a short corner, it leaped triumphantly astride a
+hydrant, where it stuck. The men tugged, but the engine held fast; the
+frantic man in the red shirt came tearing back; he had gone far enough
+ahead to see that 13-1/4's boys had got their stream on the fire, and he
+was furious at the delay. One mighty jerk, and the men and boys were
+piled in a huge kicking mass on the pavement, which phenomenon was
+occasioned by the unexpected breaking of the rope. The rope was tied,
+and by a united effort directed at the wheels, the brakes, the tongue,
+and every get-at-able point, the machine was again started, protesting,
+with creaks, and groans, and various portentous rumblings in its inner
+works, against the roughness of its treatment.
+
+The frantic red-shirt-man howled through his trumpet that Hose 24-3/8
+was coming. The boys looked back, and Hose 24-3/8 _was_ coming. Hose
+24-3/8 came alongside. Hose 24-3/8 tried to go by. Hose 24-3/8 was
+evidently striving to get to the fire in advance of her betters, but
+Hose 24-3/8 couldn't do it--for, at this interesting juncture, 32-1/2's
+fellows waked up to their work, and the race began. Single gentlemen got
+into door-ways, or crawled under carts; the ladies who were in the
+street at that time of night disappeared down oyster-cellars; the M.P.s
+probably went through the coal-holes, for not one was at that instant
+"visible to the naked eye." Stages, to get out of the way, turned down
+alleys so narrow that they had to be drawn out backwards; an
+express-wagon was run into, and wrecked on a pile of bricks; an early
+milk-cart was left high and dry on a mountain of oyster-shells; a
+belated hand-cart-man deserted his vehicle in the middle of the street,
+and it was instantly demolished, while the owner was only preserved from
+a similar fate by being knocked gently over a picket-fence into an area,
+where there couldn't anybody get at him. In the height and very fury of
+the race, the crowd rushed upon the Elephantines, who were gazing in
+fancied security at the mixed-up spectacle before them. In an instant
+they were all inextricably entangled in the rush; those that escaped
+32-1/2 were caught up instantly by 24-3/8, and those who got away from
+24-3/8, were seized upon by 32-1/2. It was no use resisting--on they
+must go. The ponderosity of John Spout was no protection to him; nor did
+the lankness of Dusenbury Quackenbush, and the unreliable appearance of
+his legs, avail him anything. The quiet inoffensiveness of Van Dam was
+not respected; no regard was paid to the philosophical composure of Mr.
+Remington Dropper. The youthful face of Johnny Cake, too, availed
+nothing in his favor. Mr. Boggs became involved, and all were
+irretrievably mingled with the howling demi-devils who were racing for
+the miniature purgatory, the flames from which could now be plainly
+seen. It was "No. 1, round the corner," the residence of "My Uncle," and
+each one was anxious to redeem his individual effects without going
+through the formality of paying charges and giving up the tickets.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But their very anxiety was a serious bar to their rapid progress: and
+the two machines were jammed together by the zealous rivals. Hard words
+ensued, and a general row was the instant and legitimate result.
+Quackenbush was complimented with a lick over the head with a trumpet,
+in the hands of the frantic red-shirt-man, who accused him of locking
+the tongue of 24-3/8 into 32-1/2's wheel. Dropper had his hat knocked
+over his eyes, and thereupon, his indignation being roused, he hit out,
+right and left. His first vigorous blow inflicted terrific damage upon
+the amiable countenance of his best friend, Mr. Van Dam, and the very
+first kick he gave upset Mr. John Spout upon the protruding stomach of a
+man who had been knocked down with a spanner. John quickly recovered
+himself, and hit Van Dam a clip in the sinister optic, which placed that
+useful member in a state of temporary total eclipse. The battle became
+general, and each man waged an indiscriminate war upon his neighbor.
+Between the affectionate thrashing they gave each other, and the
+indiscriminate kicks and punches they received from outsiders, the
+Elephantines were well pommelled. By the time 32-1/2 and 24-3/8 had got
+out of the muss, and were fairly on their way to the fire again, Mr.
+John Spout was the only one of that fraternal band visible on his feet.
+Dropper was doubled up across a hydrant, Van Dam was comfortably
+reposing on his back, in the middle of the street, while Quackenbush was
+sitting on him, trying to wipe the blood out of his eyes, and to
+ascertain, as nearly as possible, the number of teeth he had swallowed.
+But when the members came together to make mutual explanations, Johnny
+Cake was _non est_. Great, indeed, was the cry that was heard after the
+missing member. Quackenbush bellowed out, in a heavy, sonorous voice,
+that the difficulty was all past, when Johnny's shrill voice was heard
+in response. The voice proceeded from an empty molasses hogshead, into
+which Johnny had jumped, during the melee, for safety. His
+brother-members released him from his situation, and, when he was once
+more on Gotham's pavement, he was literally a sweet case. Dirty sugar
+adhered to every part of his exterior. Explanations were then made, and
+the members proceeded to shake hands all round, except Mr. Dropper, who
+couldn't shake hands with anybody, because some one had upset a bucket
+of tar on his fingers, and he couldn't get it off.
+
+The matter being at length arranged to the satisfaction of all
+concerned, they adjourned from the sidewalk to a beer-shop, where they
+washed their faces, pinned up the rents in their pantaloons, and got the
+jams out of their hats, as well as they could upon so short a notice.
+They then found their way to the club-room, held a council, and without
+a great deal of deliberation, it was resolved, every man for himself:
+
+That, to prevent the future possibility of all the members of the club
+having black eyes at the same time, the members would, from this time
+forth, pursue their investigations singly, or in pairs--the optical
+adornment of a single person being bearable, but for all the club to be
+simultaneously thus affected, was a phenomenon not down in the bills.
+
+The club then adjourned for convalescence.
+
+
+
+
+FIRST EVENING WITH THE CLUB.
+
+"Dogs bark."--SHAKESPEARE.
+
+
+As soon as the members of the Elephant Club had recovered their normal
+appearance, each issued forth alone to catch further glimpses of the
+colossal quadruped of the metropolis. Each was assiduous in pursuing his
+investigations, and all manifested a spirit of self-denial worthy of
+martyrs in the cause of scientific research. The quantity of bad liquors
+they drank in forming new acquaintances, it were useless to estimate;
+the horrible cigars they smoked with those acquaintances are beyond
+computation, and yet they never flagged for a moment. After a few days,
+thus passed, the Higholdboy thought it time the club should hear the
+reports of its members. He, accordingly, put up on the bulletin a
+notice, stating that he expected the attendance of every member on a
+certain evening.
+
+The evening came, and with it came the members. The weather was
+sufficiently warm to admit of the windows being up, and a fine, cooling
+draught of air passed through the apartment. The gentlemen filled their
+pipes and proceeded to take it easy. Mr. Dropper hung himself upon two
+chairs; Boggs stretched himself upon a sofa; Van Dam took off his coat,
+rolled it up for a pillow, and laid himself out on the floor.
+Quackenbush put an easy-chair by the door, and seated himself there to
+act as sentinel. Mr. Spout, the Higholdboy, moved his official chair up
+to one of the windows, turned the back upon his fellow-members, seated
+himself, raised his feet to the window-casing, and said that, with his
+eyes looking out between the toes of his boots upon the tiles and
+chimney-pots, it could not be said he had seen any disorderly conduct,
+if the members should see fit to vary the monotony of the proceedings by
+getting up an extemporized row among themselves. Johnny Cake alone
+seemed aware that a necessity existed for the exhibition of proper
+dignity on the part of the meeting. He sat by the table proudly erect.
+His standing collar, neatly-tied cravat, and scrupulously clean
+exterior, corresponded with his prim deportment.
+
+It became a serious question who should open his budget of experience
+first. There was no rule to coerce a member to commence; consequently,
+appeals were made to the magnanimity of each other. These were
+irresistible, and all suddenly became willing and even anxious to make
+the beginning.
+
+Mr. Dropper, however, got the floor first. He insisted that he was not
+in the habit of appearing in large assemblies as a prominent participant
+in the proceedings, and, in consideration of this fact, he ventured to
+hope that his incipient efforts would not be judged of harshly.
+
+Mr. Dropper's spasmodic modesty excited the boisterous mirth of his
+fellow-members.
+
+Mr. Remington Dropper commenced:
+
+"Gentlemen of the Elephant Club," said he, "the subject which I have to
+present for your consideration this evening is a remarkable instance of
+the _genus homo_ which I accidentally came across in my peregrinations a
+few evenings since. I was returning home from the theatre, and in
+passing a door-way in Broadway, I discovered a man seated on the stone
+step, with his form reclining against the door-casing. The gas-light
+shone directly in his face, which revealed to me the fact that he was
+asleep. The singularity of his personal appearance could not fail to
+attract my attention, and I stopped to study his form, features, and
+dress, to determine, if I could, who and what he was. His face had
+evidently been put up askew. The corner of his mouth, the eye and
+eyebrow on one side were inclined downward, giving him a demure and
+melancholy look; but on the other side they were inclined upwards, which
+made that side show a continued grin. A front view of his face was
+suggestive of both joy and melancholy, which was equal to no expression
+at all, as the expression on one side offset that of the other. His
+coat, which was buttoned tightly about him, was neither a dress nor a
+frock, but the skirts were rounded off in front, making it a compromise
+between the two. His pants were also a go-between; they were neither
+white nor black, but in point of color, were a pepper-and-salt
+formation. The leg on one side was rolled up. On one foot was a boot, on
+the other a shoe. He wore a very dirty collar, which, on the laughing
+side of his face was Byronic, and on the solemn side, uncompromisingly
+erect. His hat was an antiquated shanghae--black on the crown and light
+underneath the brim. If a noun, he was certainly a very uncommon, but
+not strictly a proper noun. If a verb, he seemed to be passive. The
+tense of his general appearance it would be difficult to determine.
+Strictly, it was neither past nor present, nor was it in accordance with
+my ideas of the future. To a certain extent it was all three. His seedy
+exterior was the remains of the past, existing in the present, and
+existing prospectively in the future. His mood was subjunctive, full of
+doubt and uncertainty. Judging from his entire appearance, I could come
+to no other conclusion as respects his character, than that he was a
+combination of ups and downs, a concentration of small differences, a
+specimen of non-committalism in everything except an entire abstinence
+from water used as a means of purifying his body externally, and his
+clothing. His red nose led me to suspect that he did not bathe with cold
+water to an alarming extent inwardly. The individual was remarkable, not
+for what he was, but for what he was not.
+
+"Such were my thoughts, gentlemen, and I determined to awake the
+unconscious sleeper, to see how far my conclusions were right. I shook
+him well, and accompanied my act with a peremptory order to 'get up.'
+After a moment he roused himself and looked at me, but immediately
+dropped his eyes. I commenced a dialogue with him, which, as near as I
+can recollect, was as follows:
+
+"'What are you doing here?' said I.
+
+"'Dun'no,' was the response.
+
+"'You're certainly quite drunk.'
+
+"'Likely.'
+
+"'That is an offence against the law.'
+
+"'Des'say.'
+
+"'You've been arrested for drunkenness before.'
+
+"'Werry like. But I 'aven't been a doin' nuthin' helse.'
+
+"'But I've arrested you before,' said I, playing the policeman, in order
+to continue the conversation.
+
+"'Des'say, hofficer; but did I hoffer any resistance?'
+
+"'Your weight did.'
+
+"'Vas it wiolent?'
+
+"'You were too drunk to make any violent resistance.'
+
+"'Des'say; I honly inquired for hinformation.'
+
+"'What's your name?'
+
+"'Vich name do you vant to know?'
+
+"'Your whole name, of course.'
+
+"'Bobinger Thomas.'
+
+"'Where were you born, Thomas?'
+
+"'Hingland.'
+
+"'What is your business?'
+
+"'My perwession?'
+
+"'Yes.'
+
+"'It's warious. I never dabbled with law, physic, or diwinity.'
+
+"'I asked you what your profession is--not what it isn't.'
+
+"'My perwession now, or vot it used to vos?'
+
+"'Your present profession, of course.'
+
+"'Vell--nuthin'.'
+
+"'Well, what was your profession in the past?'
+
+"'Vot do you vant to know for?'
+
+"'I shall answer no questions; but you must. Now tell me what your past
+profession was.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"'Dogs.'
+
+"'Are you a dog-fancier?'
+
+"'Poss'bly; I fancies dogs.'
+
+"'What breed of dogs do you fancy?'
+
+"'Them as I gets in Jersey.'
+
+"'What do you do with the dogs that you get there?'
+
+"'I vouldn't go into the business if I vos in your sitivation. It don't
+pay any more, 'cause there's so many coves as has inwested. I left
+'cause it vos hoverdid.'
+
+"'I hadn't the slightest intention of going into the business. I asked
+you for information.'
+
+"'Glad to 'ear you say so. I vos halmost hutterly ruined in it.'
+
+"'Well, what do you do with the dogs?'
+
+"'I doesn't follow the perwession no more.'
+
+"'I asked you what you did with the dogs you picked up in New Jersey.'
+
+"'They muzzles dogs now more than they did vonce.'
+
+"'Tell me what you did with the dogs.'
+
+"'If you nab a cove for gettin' drunk vot do they do vith 'im?'
+
+"'Are you going to answer my question?'
+
+"'Vill they let me off if I tell vere I got the liquor?'
+
+"'Look here, Thomas, answer my question.'
+
+"'Vot do they do vith the coves as sells?'
+
+"'I shan't trifle with you any longer. If you don't tell me what you do
+with the dogs, I shall enter a charge of vagrancy against you.'
+
+"'Vell, I didn't sell 'em for sassengers.'
+
+"'What did you sell them for?'
+
+"'I didn't sell 'em.'
+
+"'How did you dispose of them?'
+
+"'Is old Keene varden of the penitentiary now?'
+
+"'Tell me, now, what you did with the dogs.'
+
+"'I took 'em to the dog pound.'
+
+"'What did you do with them there?'
+
+"'Vy, doesn't they muzzle cats the same as dogs?'
+
+"'Look here, Thomas, you must answer my question without equivocation. I
+want to understand the details of this dog-business. What did you do
+with them at the dog-pound?'
+
+"'For hevery dog as ve takes to the pound ve gets an 'arf a slum.'
+
+"'Then it seems you caught your dogs in New Jersey, brought them to the
+New York dog-pound, and claimed for your philanthropic exertions the
+reward of a half a dollar, offered by ordinance for every dog caught
+within the limits of New York?'
+
+"'Vell, if you'd been born into the perwession, you couldn't have
+understood its vays better.'
+
+"'You are a sweet subject, certainly.'
+
+"'Des'say.'
+
+"'Are you not ashamed of yourself, to be found lying drunk in
+door-ways?'
+
+"'B'lieve so.'
+
+"'Are you not certain you are?'
+
+"'Prob'bly.'
+
+"'Did you drink liquor to-night?'
+
+"'P'r'aps.'
+
+"'Where did you get it?'
+
+"'Dun'no.'
+
+"'What kind was it?'
+
+"'I halvays 'ad a passion for gin.'
+
+"'Was it gin you drank to-night?'
+
+"'Des'say.'
+
+"'Are you not sure that it was?'
+
+"'Mebbee.'
+
+"'How often do you drink?'
+
+"'Honly ven I've got the blunt to pay. Dutchmen vont trust now.'
+
+"'Did you have any money to-night?'
+
+"'Likely.'
+
+"'How did you get it?'
+
+"''Oldin' an 'orse for a cove.'
+
+"'How much did you get for that?'
+
+"'A shillin.'
+
+"'With that you bought gin?'
+
+"'Prob'bly.'
+
+"'And got drunk?'
+
+"'Poss'bly.'
+
+"'Thomas, where do you live?'
+
+"'Noveres, in p'tickler.'
+
+"'Where do you eat?'
+
+"'Vere the wittles is.'
+
+"'Where do you sleep?'
+
+"'Anyveres, so that the M.P.s can't nab me.'
+
+"'You ought to be sent to Blackwell's Island as a vagrant.'
+
+"'Des'say.'
+
+"'You've been there, have you not?'
+
+"'Mebbee.'
+
+"'Don't you know whether you've been there or not?'
+
+"'P'r'aps.'
+
+"'Are you certain of anything?'
+
+"'Dun'no.'
+
+"'Now, Thomas,' said I, in conclusion, 'I am going to let you off this
+time, but I hope you will keep sober in the future. Now, here is a
+quarter for you, to pay for your lodging to-night.'
+
+"Thomas, the non-committalist, accepted the silver.
+
+"I concluded to ask him one more question, in hopes to get a direct and
+positive answer.
+
+"'Will you use that money to pay for a bed?' I asked.
+
+"'Des'say,' said he, upon which I vamosed."
+
+The Higholdboy raised himself from his official seat before the window,
+turned round, got on his knees in the chair, leaned his head on his
+hands and his arms on the chair-back, and whilst everybody was still and
+quiet, he called out, in a stentorian voice, "Order." The effect of this
+peremptory demand was to induce considerable disorder, as no one was
+willing to be regarded out of order, even by implication, without some
+foundation. Everybody talked and nobody listened, except Mr. Dropper,
+and it was not until Mr. Quackenbush had stuffed a ham sandwich down the
+throat of the Higholdboy, thrown a box of sardines at the head of Van
+Dam, tipped over the timid Boggs, and poured a lemonade down the throat
+of Johnny Cake, that they would consent to hear what he desired to say.
+
+"Gentlemen," said Quackenbush, "that's a remarkably fine story, isn't
+it?"
+
+"Des'say," said Spout.
+
+"Werry like," responded Van Dam.
+
+"Mebbee," replied Johnny Cake.
+
+"Likely," remarked Boggs, as he picked himself up, preparatory to
+letting himself down in three chairs.
+
+Mr. Spout left his chair, and moved to that particular locality in the
+apartment where the bell-pull, leading to the bar below, was situated.
+He gave sundry pulls in accordance with the previously-arranged system
+of telegraphing, and in a few minutes they were answered by a young
+gentleman, with a tin waiter in his hands, on which were placed divers
+decoctions, which stand in better repute outside of total abstinence
+societies than inside. Each took his mixture until it came to Johnny
+Cake, when the Higholdboy passed over to him a mild beverage, called a
+port wine sangaree. Johnny refused to accept it, and announced that he
+was strict in his adherence to principle--that he never indulged in
+anything which could intoxicate. A lemonade he would indulge in
+sometimes, but a port wine sangaree--never--_never_--NEVER.
+
+When Johnny Cake had finished his indignant repudiation of the port wine
+sangaree amid the cheering of his fellow members, Mr. James George Boggs
+arose. He mounted a chair, and made an effort to speak. He was greeted
+with loud applause.
+
+As soon as these manifestations had subsided, he said:
+
+"Fellow-citizens (applause); I may say that it is with feelings of the
+most profound gratification (loud applause), that I meet, this evening,
+the members of the illustrious Elephant Club (continued applause), of
+which I am an unpretending and obscure member (renewed applause).
+Gentlemen, I do not like to appear as an apologist, and much less an
+apologist for my own shortcomings (loud and continued applause).
+Gentlemen, I protest against your unwarranted interference when I am
+trying to be funny (applause and cheers). I am a modest man, and I am
+unwilling to stand here to be fooled with (enthusiastic applause); Mr.
+Dropper, if you don't shut up your mouth, I'll knock your moustache down
+your throat (tremendous applause). Mr. Spout, you are the Higholdboy of
+this club, but I'll hit you with a brick if you don't keep better order.
+(Cries of "Order!" "Order!") If you'll stop your blasted noise, there
+will be no trouble about order. (Cries of "Go on!") Well, gentlemen, as
+I was saying that--that--that--where the devil did I leave off?
+(Applause and laughter.) There, you see that you have broken the thread
+of my remarks. (Cries of "Good!") Yes, it may be fun for you, but, as
+the boy said to the frogs, it's death to me (laughter). No, I mean as
+the Death said to the boys, it's frogs to--(renewed laughter). Go to
+thunder! I am not going to make speeches to such a set a young rascals
+as you are." (More applause.)
+
+As soon as order had restored itself, the Higholdboy ordered, at his own
+expense, a glass of apple-jack for Mr. Boggs, with the view of
+expressing, through it, his full and thorough appreciation of Boggs's
+oratory. Mr. Boggs accepted it. Inquiry was then made of Mr. Boggs as to
+what he had desired to say in his speech. He stated substantially, that,
+having been engaged in loafing about, and doing nothing, he had had no
+time to prepare a contribution for the entertainment of the club.
+
+So completely had the eloquence of Mr. Boggs riveted the attention of
+the club, that they had hardly made a commencement in disposing of the
+beverages which had been ordered; Mr. Dropper proposed that, as Johnny
+Cake was not to be employed in drinking, he having ignored the proffered
+port wine sangaree, he should occupy their time by relating his
+experience. To this he expressed his willingness to accede. He stated,
+however, that he had been on a flying visit to Illinois since his
+initiation into the Elephantine order, and that he was consequently
+unable to furnish them with any experience of an interesting nature, in
+New York. But some interesting incidents had occurred on a railroad
+train, which he had undertaken to note down, with the view of reading to
+the club.
+
+Mr. Johnny Cake here produced a roll of manuscripts, which, after he had
+straightened up his collar, he proceeded to read. The manuscript read as
+follows:--
+
+"I do not propose, now, to give you a glimpse of anything within the
+city. In fact, it is my intention to inflict upon you an
+extra-metropolitan scene, which I recently witnessed, and which, though
+funny, was not comfortable, and I don't care about experiencing it
+again."
+
+The section of country to which your attention is called was
+flat--positively flat--comparatively stale, and superlatively
+unprofitable. It was a western prairie marsh, the home of gigantic
+frogs, the abiding place of water-snakes and musk-rats; where flourished
+in luxuriant profusion, bulrushes, water-cresses, pond-lilies, and such
+like amphibious and un-get-at-able vegetables. Through that particular
+locality a train of cars was not only seen, but heard going at 2'40"
+speed over a pile-bridge, made across a Michigan swamp, by driving
+black-oak logs end-wise into the mud. The people therein were covered
+with dust, as thickly as if each man had been a locomoting Pompeii,
+each woman a perambulating Herculaneum, and some vagrant Vesuvius had
+been showering ashes on them all for a month. They were lying about
+loose in the cars, after the ordinary fashion of people on a tedious
+railway journey; curled up in some such ungraceful and uneasy positions
+as the tired beasts of a strolling menagerie probably assume in their
+cages during their forced marches across the country. To carry out the
+parallel, the conductor came along at irregular intervals, and with
+deliberate and premeditated malignity, stirred up the passengers, as if
+they were actually animals on exhibition, and he really was their
+keeper, and wanted to make them growl. And this conductor, in common
+with conductors in general, deserves notice for the diabolical ingenuity
+which he displayed in forcing from his helpless victims the greatest
+number of growls in a limited space of time.
+
+The cars had just left the flourishing prairie city of Scraggville,
+which contains seven houses and a tavern, and a ten-acre lot for a
+church, in the centre of which the minister holds forth now from a cedar
+stump. At the tavern, dinner had been served up, and the conductor,
+according to the usual custom, had started the train as soon, without
+waiting for his passengers to eat anything, as the money was collected.
+The population of our train, which exceeded that of the great city of
+Scraggville by about one hundred and seventy persons, had composed
+itself for a short nap, and the various individuals had settled as
+nearly into their old places as possible, when a man, remarkable for a
+particularly lofty shirt-collar, a wooden leg, and an unusual quantity
+of dust on the bridge of his nose, began to sing. He commenced that
+touching ballad, now so popular, "the affecting history of Vilikins and
+his Dinah." The pathos of his words, added to the unusual power of his
+voice, waked up his right-hand neighbor, before he had proceeded any
+further than to inform the listeners that,
+
+   "Vilikins vas a-valking"----
+
+This neighbor who was so suddenly aroused, and who was distinguished by
+a steeple-crowned hat, did not appear to care _where_ Vilikins was
+a-walking, or to take much interest in the particulars of the said walk,
+for he immediately turned on the other side, tied himself up in a worse
+knot than he was in before, and attempted to sleep again. He had in so
+doing shaken from the top of his mountainous hat about half a peck of
+cinders, directly into the mouth of the vocalist. The latter gentleman,
+however, seemed nothing disconcerted by this unexpected pulverulent
+donation, but, removing those particles which most interfered with his
+vocal apparatus, he proceeded with his melody. This time he progressed
+as far as to state emphatically that,
+
+   "Vilikins vas a-valkin' in his garding one day,"
+
+And was about to add the explanatory notes, that it was the "back
+garding," when his left-hand neighbor emerged from a condition of
+somnolency into a state of unusual wakefulness.
+
+The most noticeable thing about this last named individual was the
+optical fact that he had but one eye. And as this solitary orb was
+partially filled with the dust which had accumulated therein, during a
+ten hours' nap in a rail-car, over a sandy road, with a headwind, it
+might be supposed that his facilities for visual observation were
+somewhat abridged. This did not prove, however, to be the case, for with
+a single glance of this encumbered optic, he seemed to take in the
+character of the singer, and to make up his mind instanter that he was a
+good fellow and a man to be acquainted with.
+
+Acting promptly upon this extemporaneous opinion, he held out his hand
+with the remark:
+
+"I don't want to interfere with any arrangements you have made,
+stranger, but here's my hand, and my name's Wagstaff--let's be jolly."
+
+The singer had by this time got to the chorus of his song, and although
+he took the extended hand, his only immediate reply to the observations
+of one-eyed Wagstaff, was "too ral li, too ral li, too ral li la," which
+he repeated with an extra shake on the last "la," before he condescended
+to answer. And even then his observation, though poetic, was not
+particularly coherent or relevant. It was couched in the following
+language.
+
+"Jolly? yes, we'll be jolly. Old King Cole was a jolly old soul, and a
+jolly old soul was he. He called for his pipe and he called for his
+bowl--wonder if he got it? My name is Dennis, my mother's maiden name
+was Moore, so that if I'd been born before she married, I'd have been a
+poet, which I'm sorry to say, don't think it, for I ain't. I'm glad to
+see you, Mr. Wagstaff, and as you say _you're_ jolly, and propose that
+we shall _all_ be jolly, perhaps you'll favor me by coming out strong on
+the second and fourth lines of this chorus.
+
+"I'll do my little utmost," said Wagstaff.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And he _did_ do his little utmost with a will, and their united voices
+croaked up again the first man with the steeple-crowned hat, who hadn't
+got his eyes fairly opened before _he_ joined in the chorus too, and he
+gave his particular attention to it, and put in so many unexpected
+cadenzas and quavers which the composer never intended, and shakes that
+nobody else _could_ put in, and trills that his companions couldn't keep
+up with, that he fairly astonished his hearers. And he didn't stop when
+they did, but kept singing "tooral li tooral," with unprecedented
+variations, and wouldn't hold up for Dennis to sing the verses, and
+wouldn't wait for Wagstaff to take breath; but kept right on, now
+putting a long shake on "tooral," now an unheard of trill on "looral,"
+now coming out with redoubled force on the final "la," and then starting
+off again, as if his voice had run away with him and he didn't want to
+stop it, but was going to sing a perpetual chorus of unceasing "toorals"
+and never ending "loorals."
+
+For fifteen minutes his harmony was allowed uninterrupted progress, but
+at length Wagstaff, putting his hand over his mouth, thereby smothering,
+in its infancy, a strain of extraordinary power, addressed him thus:
+
+"I don't want to interfere with any of your little arrangements,
+stranger, but, if you don't stop that noise, I'll knock your head off.
+What do you mean by intruding your music upon other people's music, and
+thus mixing the breed? Don't you try to swallow my fist, you can't
+digest it."
+
+The latter part of this address was called forth by the frantic efforts
+of the unknown amateur to get his mouth away from behind Wagstaff's
+hand, which he at length accomplished, and when he had recovered his
+breath he made an effort to speak. The musical fiend, however, had got
+too strong possession of him to give up on so short a notice, and he was
+unable to speak more than ten words without introducing another touch of
+the magical chorus. The address with which he first favored his
+companions ran something after the following fashion and sounded as if
+he might have been the identical Vilikins, unexpectedly recovered from
+the effects of the "cup of cold pison," or prematurely resurrected from
+the "same grave," wherein he had been disposed by the "cruel parient" by
+the side of the lamented "Dinah."
+
+"My friends, don't interrupt the concert--too ral li, too ral li, too
+ral li la. I'll explain presently--with a too ral li, too ral li, too
+ral li la. I'm delighted to meet you--allow me to introduce myself--ral
+li la--I am a professional--loo ral li, loo ral li--man--ral li la--my
+name is Moses Overdale--with my loo ral li, loo ral li, loo ral li la."
+
+Here he stopped, evidently by a violent exertion, and shook hands with
+each of the others, and afforded such a view of his personal appearance
+as satisfied the individual of the solitary optic, and his companion of
+the vegetable leg, that they had fallen in with another original--added
+to the fact, with which they were already well acquainted, that he had a
+powerful, though not very controllable voice. Other things about the
+newly-discovered person showed him to be a man far above, or below, or,
+at least, differing from, the common run of people one meets in a
+railroad-car. His face, had it been visible to the naked eye, through
+the surrounding thicket of hair, might have passed for good-looking; but
+the hirsute crop which flourished about his head was something really
+remarkable. If each hair had possessed as many roots as a scrub oak
+sapling, and had grown the wrong way, with the roots out, there couldn't
+have been more; or if each individual hair had been grafted with a score
+of thrifty shoots, and each of them, in turn, had given off a multitude
+of sandy-colored sprouts, and each separate sprout had taken an
+unconquerable aversion to every other sprout, and was striving to grow
+in an independent direction of its own, there wouldn't have been a more
+abundant display of hair, growing towards a greater variety of hitherto
+unknown points of compass. It was so long that it concealed his neck and
+shoulders, and you could only suppose he had a throat from the certainty
+that he had a mouth. And even the mouth was in its turn ornamented with
+an overhanging moustache, of a subdued rat-color, which also was long,
+running down the corners of the jaw, and joining the rest of the beard
+on the neck below. A shirt-collar, turned down over his coat, was dimly
+visible whenever the wind was strong enough to lift the superincumbent
+hair.
+
+Taking into account the physical curtailments of Overdale's companions,
+the trio consisted of about two men and a half.
+
+Dennis now proposed that they should go on with the song, he
+volunteering to sing the verses, and requesting the reinforcements to
+show their strength when he said, "_Chorius_"--the mention of music
+excited Overdale's harmonic devil again, and he was obliged to twist his
+neckerchief until he was black in the face, to choke down an embryo,
+"tooral," which ran to his lips before the cue came, and seemed to
+insist upon an immediate and stormy exit; by dint of the most
+suffocating exertions he succeeded in keeping back the musical torrent
+until the end of the verse, when it broke forth with a vengeance.
+
+And then Wagstaff struck in, and Dennis took a long breath, and _he_
+struck in; and they waked up a couple of children, and _they_ struck in;
+and Dennis put his wooden leg on the tail of a dog, and _he_ struck in;
+and the locomotive put on the final touch, by shrieking with a frightful
+yell, as if it had boiled down into one, the squalls of eleven hundred
+freshly-spanked babies.
+
+And they kept on, Dennis singing, in a masterly manner, the historical
+part; the charms of Dinah the barbarity of the cruel parient, the
+despair of Vilikins, the death and burial of the unfortunate "lovyers,"
+their subsequent ghastly reappearance to the cruel parient, and his
+final remorse, had all been related; the "chorus of tender maidens" had
+been pathetically sung by the musical trio; the "chorus of cruel and
+unnatural parients," had been indignantly disposed of; the "chorus of
+pisoned young women," had been spasmodically executed: the "chorus of
+agonized young men, with an awful pain in the stummack," had been
+convulsively performed; the "chorus of cold corpuses," had been
+sepulchrally consummated; and the musical enthusiasts were laying out
+their most lugubrious strength on the "concluding dismal chorus of
+gloomy apparitions," when the concert was interrupted by the train
+running off the track and pitching a part of the passengers into a
+sand-bank on the right, throwing the remainder into frog-pond on the
+left, and gently depositing the engineer on a brush heap, where he was
+afterwards discovered with the bell-rope in his hand, and his legs
+covered up by the smoke-pipe.
+
+It was soon ascertained that no very serious damage was done, beyond the
+demolition of the engine, which had left the rail without cause or
+provocation, and was now lying by the side of the road with its head in
+the mud, wrong end to, bottom side up, roasting itself brown, steaming
+itself yellow, and smoking itself black, like an insane cooking-stove
+turned out-doors for misbehavior.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Overdale got out of the sand without assistance, and, save a black eye,
+and a peck or two of sand and gravel in his hair, was none the worse for
+the accident. Wagstaff crawled out of the frog pond, looking as dripping
+and juicy as a he-mermaid; while Dennis, though unconscious of any
+painful hurt, had sustained so serious a fracture of his wooden leg,
+that he found it necessary to splice it with an ironwood sapling before
+he could navigate.
+
+It being discovered that the danger was over, and that there was nothing
+more to fear, the ladies, as in duty bound, began to faint; one old
+lady fainted, and fell near the engine; happening, however, to sit down
+in a puddle of hot water, she got up quicker than she went down; young
+lady, rather pretty, fainted and fell into the arms of four or five
+gentlemen who were waiting to receive her; another young lady fainted,
+and didn't fall into anybody's arms, being cross-eyed and having a wart
+on her nose; maiden lady, ancient and fat, got near a good-looking man
+with a big moustache, and giving notice of her intention by a
+premonitory squall, shut her eyes, and fell towards moustache; she had
+better, however, have kept her eyes open, for moustache, seeing her
+coming, and making a hasty estimate of her probable weight, stepped
+aside, and the gentle creature landed in a clump of Canada thistles,
+whence she speedily recovered herself, and looked fiery indignation at
+moustache, who bore it like a martyr; young lady in pantalets and curls
+tried it, but, being inexperienced, and not having taken the precaution
+to pick out a soft place to fall, in case there didn't anybody catch
+her, she bumped her head on a stone, and got up with a black eye;
+jealous married lady, seeing her husband endeavoring to resuscitate a
+plump-looking miss, immediately extemporized a faint herself, and fell
+directly across the young miss aforesaid, contriving as she descended,
+to break her husband's spectacles by a malicious dig with her elbow; in
+fact the ladies all fainted at least once apiece, and those who received
+the most attention had an extra spasm or two before their final
+recovery, while the vicious old maids whom nobody cared for, invariably
+fell near the best-looking girls, and went into furious convulsions, so
+that they could kick them in the tender places without its being
+suspected that their intentions were not honorable.
+
+During this characteristic female performance, our musical trio had not
+been idle. Dennis had been busily engaged in splicing his wooden leg.
+Wagstaff had seized a bucket from the disabled engine, and nearly
+drowned three or four unfortunate females with dirty water from the
+frog-pond. Overdale was attracted to the side of a blue-eyed girl, who
+had swooned in a clean place, behind a concealing blackberry bush, and
+he had rubbed the skin off her hands in his benevolent exertions to
+"bring her to," and had meanwhile liberally peppered her face and neck
+with gravel-stones and sand, from the stock which had accumulated in his
+hair when he was first pitched into the sand-bank.
+
+Everybody was eventually convalescent, and likely to recover from the
+damage which nobody had sustained; the gentlemen had repented of the
+prayers which they had not said, and were now swearing ferociously about
+their fractured pocket-companions, and their broken cigars; and the
+ladies were regaling each other with multitudinous accounts of
+miraculous escapes from the horrible accidents which might have killed
+everybody, but hadn't hurt anybody. Another engine was sent for, and the
+cars ran to the end of the railroad, seventy miles, before the women
+stopped talking, or the men got anything to drink.
+
+The musical trio, whose united chorus had been so suddenly interrupted,
+met at the bar of the nearest tavern for the first time since the run
+off; their greeting was peculiar, but characteristic; when they came in
+sight of each other, they didn't speak a word, until they solemnly
+joined hands and finished the "too ral li la," which they hadn't had the
+leisure to complete at the time of their sudden separation. Overdale,
+true to his ruling passion, wouldn't stop when the others did, but was
+going on with an extra "tooral li, looral li," when Wagstaff presented a
+glass of strong brandy and water at him; the plan succeeded; he stopped
+in the midst of a most astonishing shake on the first "looral," and
+merely remarking, "To be continued," he yielded, a passive captive to
+the fluid conqueror.
+
+Subsequent conversations disclosed their future plans, and it was
+discovered that they were all journeying to the same place, New York
+city; and that their several visits had one common object, to see the
+mysteries of the town. An agreement, which I overheard, was quickly
+made, that they should remain together, and pursue, in company, their
+investigations.
+
+They proceeded harmoniously on their journey, singing "Vilikins" between
+meals every day; and when Overdale couldn't stop in the chorus at the
+the proper time, Wagstaff corked him up with a corn-cob, which he
+carried in his pocket for that purpose.
+
+It so happened that I continued on the same trains of cars with this
+interesting trio of eccentricities, until we took the steamboat at the
+Dutch village, where the State Legislature meets. After the last verse
+of their customary evening hymn had been sung, with a strong chorus, as
+they were about to shelve themselves in their state-rooms for the night,
+I heard Overdale remark to his companions:
+
+"When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or--well, no
+matter where. Dennis, you see this black eye; I have to make this
+particular request, that if this steamboat blows up in the night, and
+you take a fancy to black anybody's eye, you'll pick out somebody's
+else."
+
+"I didn't black your eye; what do you mean?"
+
+Overdale explained thus: "I could a tale unfold, which would--but I
+won't--I'll tell you how it happened, nothing extenuate or set down
+aught in malice. When that locomotive ran off the track, the shock threw
+us both, as you are aware, about fifteen feet straight up in the air--as
+I was going up, you were coming down, and you were practising some kind
+of an original pigeon-wing with your wooden leg, and, in one of its
+fantastic gyrations, it came in contact with my visual apparatus, and
+damaged my personal beauty to the extent you see;--don't do it any more,
+that's all, my friend, don't do it any more."
+
+Dennis expressed himself exceedingly sorry--"Overdale, my hairy friend,"
+said he, "at the particular time you speak of, that leg was not under my
+control, and I am not accountable for the misbehavior of that leg; but I
+solemnly promise that, if we _are_ blown up before morning, if I see
+which way you go, I will do my best to travel in a different
+direction."
+
+Each of us, myself included, then went to his state-room, achieved his
+allotted shelf, rolled himself into so small a ball that the narrow
+blankets would cover him, and laid in feverish restlessness, awaiting
+that morning bell which should summon him to disperse himself into his
+pantaloons, go on deck, and catch the first glimpse of smoky Gotham, the
+home of the undiluted elephant.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Hooror for Johnny," said Mr. Spout, as he rushed towards that
+individual to offer his congratulations. The other members followed
+suit, and Johnny, anticipating that he would be favored with a bear-like
+hug, more boisterous than pleasant, unless he acted promptly to prevent
+such a consummation, ran into one corner, squared off, and threatened to
+show an immoderate pugnacity, if they made any immoderate demonstrations
+of fraternal affection. The language and action of Johnny had the effect
+to check the enthusiasm of his friends, and they resumed their places.
+Johnny then came out, and made a peremptory demand of Mr. Spout that he
+telegraph to the saloon below for a lemonade for his (Johnny's) private
+consumption. Mr. Spout announced the impossibility of acceding to
+Johnny's demand, as there had been no signal agreed upon which should
+indicate to the individual below that a lemonade was wanted. Johnny
+said that he could not hold Mr. Spout to a strict accountability on that
+occasion, but if he did not arrange a signal to indicate his future
+wants, he should proceed to expel Mr. Spout from the club. Under
+existing circumstances, he should go down below and order personally a
+strong lemonade, to be made of considerable lemon, some sugar, and a
+good deal of water. Johnny disappeared through the door. He had been
+gone three minutes, by Quackenbush's bull's-eye silver watch, which he
+says keeps excellent time as long as he hires a boy to move the
+balance-wheel, when the Higholdboy arose, and proposed "The health of
+the Elephant--may his shadow never be less," which was to be drunk in
+silence, standing. All the members had assumed an erect position,
+required for the performance of this imposing ceremony, when a yell of
+such prodigious dimensions, entitling it to be called a roar, followed
+by a most extraordinary clattering outside the door, as of three persons
+trying to ascend abreast a flight of stairs only wide enough for one,
+and quarrelling about the precedence, and in the intervals of their
+emphatic remarks to each other uttering cries of exultant triumph, as if
+they had made some long-sought discovery, suddenly petrified the various
+members into flesh and blood statues with breeches on, and mouths open.
+Not long, however, did they remain thus inactive, for a mighty rush from
+the outside carried the door from its hinges, knocked Mr. Quackenbush,
+the stalwart guardian of the portal, into a far corner of the room, and
+disclosed to the astonished gaze of the assembled Elephantines, the
+forms of three individuals, to them unknown. The action of the
+Higholdboy, who first recovered his senses and his presence of mind, is
+worthy of remembrance. Keeping both eyes fixed upon one of the
+intruders, he deliberately drank the contents of his tumbler, and then,
+taking a cool aim, he threw the glass-ware at him. This act of the
+Higholdboy was regarded as an announcement, by implication, that
+crockery and glass-ware could be used on the present occasion
+offensively, and accordingly the other members followed the example of
+their chief. For a few minutes the destruction of property was great,
+and the more so, as, whenever a tumbler, plate, bottle, or any other
+similar missile fell to the floor unfractured, one of the three
+intruding parties would stamp on it with one of his feet, and pulverize
+it instanter. When the crockery was all disposed of, the assault was
+renewed with lemons, crackers, bologna sausages, and whatever
+projectiles remained, and the chairs and tables would have undoubtedly
+followed suit, had not the precaution previously taken, of chaining them
+up, precluded the possibility of their being used for this purpose. The
+result of this peculiar reception of the intruding parties was the
+temporary demolition of one, who had been hit over the head with the
+lemon-squeezer, and knocked down in the corner behind the chair of the
+Higholdboy. The second person had rolled himself up in a heap as well as
+he could, drew his head into his coat, and seemed resigned to whatever
+might be his fate. The third, however, made no resistance whatever, but
+rushed into one corner, turned his face to the wall, in which position
+he sustained for five minutes a brilliant cannonade of lemons, Boston
+crackers, with an occasional bomb in the shape of a nut-cracker and
+doughnut, for which affectionate tokens of respect he was indebted to
+the kindness of Van Dam, who bestowed upon him his undivided attention.
+
+At the moment when the utter defeat of the invaders was shown to be a
+fixed fact, Johnny Cake reentered the room. He saw the confusion which
+was everywhere apparent, and his first inquiry was as to the cause.
+Before he had been answered his eyes caught a sight of the party in the
+corner, who had ventured to turn his face around.
+
+"Here," said Johnny, "you've got one of my railroad party, whose
+adventures I have detailed to you this evening."
+
+"The devil!" said Spout.
+
+"How unfortunate!" remarked Quackenbush.
+
+"Are you seriously injured?" asked Van Dam of the man in the corner, who
+was no other than Overdale.
+
+"Nary time," was Overdale's response. "But where's Dennis?" he asked.
+
+"Here," said Dennis, as a head was seen to protrude from itself a
+coat-collar, like a tormented turtle from its shell, and, after some
+scrambling, Mr. Damon Dennis was erect and experimenting with his wooden
+leg, with the view of ascertaining whether it had suffered another
+fracture since the railroad experience.
+
+Wagstaff also essayed forth from behind the capacious seat of the
+presiding dignitary of the club, and, after shaking the wrinkles out of
+himself, was once more himself.
+
+Johnny Cake here introduced himself to the parties. They remembered him
+as having been one of the audience which listened to their free and easy
+concerts whilst travelling. They were then successively introduced to
+the different members of the club, all of whom expressed their regrets
+at having received them in so informal a manner, whilst Dennis,
+Overdale, and Wagstaff, protested that the apologies were useless, as
+they should not have made such an informal call. Mr. Spout again
+operated the telegraph for all parties, and when they were once more
+seated, Johnny Cake called on their uninvited guests for an explanation
+as to how they had found out their location. The statement was given by
+all three of the parties in disconnected sentences, sometimes one
+talking, and sometimes all. The narrations occupied about an hour in
+their delivery, and were replete with interest, but too long to be
+incorporated _verbatim_ into these veracious records. The facts
+disclosed, however, were substantially these:
+
+After leaving the steamboat, they made their way to the Shanghae Hotel,
+without loss of life or further limb. Each had his carpet-bag in his
+hand, and having made a demonstration towards the hall-door, the
+attendants came out to relieve them of their loads. Unused as they were
+to a reception of this kind, their greeting was rather peculiar than
+otherwise. Overdale put his hands on his pockets, and told _his_
+gentleman to clear out. Wagstaff, with great presence of mind, knocked
+_his_ down instanter. Dennis started to run, but finding his wooden leg
+impeded his speed, sat flat down on the sidewalk and called for a
+constable. Being eventually satisfied that the intentions of the
+individuals were honorable, they went into the house and placed their
+names on the register; Overdale, who did not understand this last
+performance, expressing his surprise that they should be required to
+sign a note for their board as soon as they came into the house. They
+were shown to separate rooms, and each proceeded to make himself as
+comfortable as his limited knowledge of the uses of the bedroom
+furniture would admit, preparatory to making his appearance in the
+dining-room. They were all shown this latter part of the establishment,
+after they had visited, arm-in-arm, the barber's shop, the ladies'
+parlor, and the hat-shop next door, in their vain search for something
+to eat.
+
+As they entered the room, and the head waiter approached, for the
+purpose of showing them some seats, Overdale took his arm, and, having
+marched the whole length of the room, was finally seated at one end of
+the table, while his two companions were accommodated with chairs
+immediately opposite. Their exploits at their first dinner in the city
+were many--being all of them ignorant of napkins, and innocent of silver
+forks, their performances with those unknown articles were something out
+of the common order.
+
+Having recovered from their first impression, that the bills of fare
+were religious tracts, left for the spiritual improvement of the
+boarders, by the Moral Reform Society, and having ascertained that they
+were in some way connected with the science of gastronomy, they
+proceeded to call for whatever they imagined would suit their palates.
+Wagstaff began with tarts, then taking a fancy to a jelly, he reached
+for them, and devoured them all, seventeen in number; and concluded his
+dinner by eating a shad without picking out the bones.
+
+Dennis, had somewhere heard of ice cream, for which frigid monstrosity
+he immediately called; when it came, not knowing exactly how to dispose
+of it, and perceiving that other people made use of the bottles from the
+caster-stand, he concluded that it would be proper to season his cream
+in like manner. He began with the pepper, followed it with vinegar, kept
+on to the Cayenne, added a good quantity of oil, drowned it with
+ketchup, and then with unusual impartiality, not wishing to neglect any
+of the bottles, he poured Worcestershire sauce over the whole. He eat it
+with the mustard-spoon and pronounced it excellent.
+
+Overdale seeing a gentleman, on leaving the table, throw down his
+napkin, called to him across the room that he had dropped his
+handkerchief, and then with the consciousness of having done a
+neighborly turn, he proceeded to eat his dinner. He studied for some
+time over his own napkin, but eventually concluded that it would be
+proper to put it in his chair, so that he would not soil the cushion,
+and accordingly disposed of it in that manner, and sat down upon it with
+great care, for fear he should tear it. He then opened his bill of fare
+at the wine-list, and after puzzling for some time over the names, put
+his finger in the middle, and told the waiter he would "have some of
+that." The servant perceiving how matters stood, and having compassion
+on his queer customer, brought him some soup. He at once set to work to
+eat it with his fork, in which attempt he scalded both his mouth and his
+fingers, whereupon he drank the water in his finger-bowl to cool his
+mouth, and wiped his fingers in his hair to reduce their temperature.
+The considerate waiter came once more to the rescue, and brought him
+some beef, and also performed the same kindness for Dennis, and probably
+saved him from absolute starvation. But Overdale, never remarkable for
+strict temperance, looked for something to drink, and perceiving nothing
+that looked juicy, save the bottles in the castor-stand, he took out one
+of them, and having filled an egg-cup with the contents thereof, drank
+it down. As it was salad oil, he did not feel disposed to repeat the
+experiment. Having cleaned his nails with a nut-pick, and pared an apple
+with a fish-slice, he concluded his performances by putting half a dozen
+fried oysters in his pocket and leaving the table.
+
+At night they went immediately to bed, only finding their own rooms
+after poking their heads into every other apartment on the same floor,
+and eventually securing the services of the chambermaid as a guide.
+
+Overdale having got this lady to light his gas, was not able to get to
+bed without doing something further extraordinary, so wishing to open
+his window, he called a boy to his door twenty-seven times, by pulling
+at the bell-rope, which he imagined to be connected, in some
+inexplicable manner, with the sash. He was at last ready to go to sleep,
+when he blew out his gas, and laid down on the carpet, covering himself
+with the hearth-rug, fearing to get into the bed lest he should rumple
+the sheets. He woke up subsequently, and yelled for a waiter. One
+happened to be passing in the hall at that moment, and answered his
+call. Overdale asked where the tavern-keeper was, as he wanted too see
+him. He didn't want to be imposed upon, if he was from the country, and
+considered it a huge imposition to put a man into a room which was right
+over an asafoetida factory. The waiter comprehended the nature of Mr.
+Overdale's difficulty, and explained to him the nature of carburetted
+hydrogen, and the mistake that he had made in blowing out the light,
+instead of turning off the gas. Mr. Overdale thanked the waiter for his
+valuable information, and after waiting for the room to be well
+ventilated, he retired to rest--this time, however, in the bed, the
+waiter having kindly explained to him that the bed-clothing was nicely
+adjusted for the express purpose of being rumpled up, in order to give
+employment to a useful class of the community known as chambermaids.
+
+In the morning, by one of those curious coincidences which we know do
+happen, but for which we cannot account, our three rural friends found
+themselves, at precisely eight o'clock, in the bar-room, before the bar,
+and calling upon the major for something to drink. Each drank, after
+which they went in to breakfast.
+
+The bill of fare not being so complicated as the one on the dinner-table
+the day previous, and being printed in good readable English, they had
+no difficulty in procuring breakfast entirely to their satisfaction.
+After arising, and supplying themselves with cigars, they started out on
+an exploring expedition through the city.
+
+Overdale, having read a good deal about the various "lions" of the town,
+assumed to know all about it, and therefore Dennis and Wagstaff
+acquiesced in his taking the lead; Wagstaff taking notes of everything
+for the benefit of his children when he returned home.
+
+They strayed into Taylor's saloon, which Overdale informed them was the
+Crystal Palace. Gurney's Daguerreotype Gallery he stated was the
+American Art Union. The three then took the cars on the corner of Canal
+street and Broadway, Overdale remarking that he hoped all their lives
+were insured, as they were now on the Camden and Amboy Railroad. Dennis
+hoped they would run off the track in such a way that his wooden leg
+would be again broken. He would then retire for a few weeks, swear that
+he had lost a leg by the accident, sue the company for fifty thousand
+dollars damages, compromise by accepting ten thousand, and then go to
+Kansas and set up a faro bank. As they passed the Jefferson Market
+fire-alarm bell-tower, Overdale said it was a shot tower, erected in
+revolutionary times. They then arrived at the real Crystal Palace, which
+Overdale declared answered to the descriptions he had read of Fulton
+Market. The submarine armor which was on exhibition, he explained was a
+flying machine. The statue of the Amazon was noted down in Wagstaff's
+book, upon the authority of Overdale, as a cast-iron black foot squaw,
+on a prairie mustang. The fountain was announced to be a patent
+frog-pond. After writing down an accurate description of the
+fire-engines and hose-carts (the first of which Overdale supposed to be
+perpetual self-acting locomotives, and the second a newly-invented
+threshing machine), Wagstaff proposed they should leave. The Croton
+Reservoir, Overdale stated was the gas-works. They then ascended the
+Latting Observatory, which their intelligent informant assured them was
+Trinity Church. From the altitude they here attained, they were favored
+with a view of a large extent of country. Overdale called the attention
+of his companions to the High Bridge over the Harlem river, of which
+they had an excellent view. He said that it was one of the few gigantic
+relics of the architecture of the Norsemen, whom he stated populated
+this country ten centuries before Columbus sculled over here in a
+scow-boat. This was the same bridge, he further remarked, which Edgar A.
+Hood, a historian, and an intimate friend of Nicholas Galileo, a poet of
+the sixteenth century, had spoken of as "bridge of size." Mr. Overdale
+stated that the squadron of pleasure-yachts anchored at Hoboken were a
+number of clam-sloops, which had probably been abandoned by their
+owners, because they were old and unseaworthy. Jersey City, he was
+inclined to believe, from its general description and situation, was the
+Sixth Ward, which he further stated was in the centre of the Five
+Points. The Penitentiary on Blackwell's Island, of which they had an
+excellent view, he informed them was the City Hall--the regular resort
+of the Common Scoundrels of the city. When they left the Observatory
+they strayed over into Avenue D, which, upon the word of the intelligent
+Overdale, Wagstaff described in his book as the Bowery. After mistaking
+the Dry Dock for the Battery, and a Williamsburg ferry boat for a
+Collins steamer, they continued to wander about, making divers mistakes,
+all of which were faithfully noted down as facts in Wagstaff's notebook.
+At eight o'clock in the evening, they found themselves in the Franklin
+Museum, whither they had gone on Overdale's invitation, to visit the
+Free Love Club. When the performance was over they sallied out, and
+fetched up in a German lager-bier saloon in William street, where the
+assembled Teutons were singing their national airs. For a moment
+Overdale was in doubt, but, after two minutes' thought, he informed his
+friends that they were in the Academy of Music, listening to an Italian
+Opera. When they left they were full of music, they having caught the
+inspiration from being in the presence of foreign artists, and
+immediately commenced to sing once more "Vilikins and his Dinah," with a
+strong chorus, but were almost immediately choked down by the police.
+They wandered about disconsolate, inquiring frequently of some hurrying
+passer-by where they could find the elephant, and receiving in reply to
+their interrogations a great variety of directions as to his
+whereabouts, from disinterested persons, all of which they noted down
+for reference. They searched an hour and a half for "my uncle, in the
+second story of the Fifth Avenue Railroad," which individual, they had
+been informed, could give them the desired information; they walked
+about four miles in search of "No. 1 'round the corner," at which place
+they had been assured, by a venerable female of Milesian accent who sold
+peanuts on the curb-stone, they would undoubtedly find the wished-for
+quadruped on exhibition. In the course of this latter search, as they
+were about to venture into a promising-looking saloon, for the purpose
+of procuring something to allay their thirst, Wagstaff caught a glimpse
+of the miniature elephant which was over the door of the club-room; and
+imagining that he had discovered the veritable animal, he uttered a cry
+of joy which attracted his companions to the same object, upon which
+they made a grand rush up the flight of stairs. Where they got to, and
+how they were received, is already told.
+
+When the narrative had been concluded, Mr. John Spout, the Higholdboy
+of the club, declared in solemn terms, that, by virtue of his office,
+the three persons whose adventures had just been related by themselves
+should be henceforth considered members of the Elephantine order. He
+added that any member might object if he chose, but it wouldn't do him
+any good, as he should immediately overrule the objection, and kick the
+daring objector down stairs.
+
+This persuasive manner of addressing the members had the desired effect.
+They were convinced by the gentle logic of their dignified superior
+officer, and they could not have the heart to oppose him had they felt
+so inclined.
+
+Messrs. Wagstaff, Overdale, and Dennis, who were thus so summarily
+promoted, were solemnly sworn in on a boiled ham, after which all hands
+joined in singing, "We won't go home till morning." It may be proper to
+add, in respect to this last musical asseveration, and as a deserved
+tribute to the veracity of the persons concerned, that when they said
+they wouldn't go home till morning, _they didn't_.
+
+
+
+
+THE COLORED CAMP-MEETING.
+
+   There is a divinity that shapes our ends,
+   Rough----
+
+SHAKSPEARE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+An evening or two after the facts related in the last chapter of this
+veritable and never-to--be-believed history, the members of the club
+were seated in silent deliberation round their table, each man smoking a
+short pipe by a special order of the council; an unusual commotion was
+noticed at the end of the table where John Spout was supposed to be
+anchored. First the smoke, which had settled, in a thick, hazy layer,
+upon everything, and concealed the members from each other, as if they
+had mutually pulled the wool over each other's eyes until all were for
+a time invisible, was observed to wave to and fro, as if agitated by
+some powerfully moving cause, concealed from the observers by the
+fragrant tobacco fog which had been raised by the joint exertions of the
+assembled multitude. A few minutes more disclosed the arm of John Spout,
+working like an insane windmill, backwards and forwards, to open a clear
+space, and make himself visible to the naked eye.
+
+After the lapse of some little time, and the expenditure of no small
+amount of muscular power in this interesting exercise, the ruddy
+beef-face of the Higholdboy beamed forth from the encircling mist, like
+a good-natured light-house, which had been on a spree the night before,
+and got up with a red nose, in consequence of the nocturnal dissipation.
+As soon as he had cleared a space about him large enough for him to
+speak without danger of suffocation, he announced that he had a
+proposition to lay before the honorable body, and proceeded to state
+that he had observed in a morning paper an advertisement of a
+camp-meeting, to be held at a distance from the city easily accessible,
+by a 2'40" team, in a couple of hours. He, moreover, went on to say,
+that the presiding officers of the gospel-hunt were to be of a sable
+complexion, and that the greater part of the congregation was expected
+to be of the same color--in fact, it was to be what a Bowery boy would,
+in his peculiar, but not inexpressive dialect, call a "Nigger Methodist
+Camp Meeting." The proposition of the pious Mr. Spout was that the
+Elephants should pack their pockets, and proceed to the scene of action,
+for the purpose of picking up any superfluous piety that might be lying
+around loose, and of making themselves generally agreeable, and having a
+good time all round.
+
+The suggestion was listened to with approval, and it was unanimously
+
+_Resolved_, that the Elephants proceed to the campground in the morning.
+
+A special committee, consisting of the entire club, was appointed to see
+that every person was provided with all the necessaries of life, and the
+requisites for having a juicy time.
+
+In consideration of his being the mover of the scheme, it was moved that
+J. Spout, Esq., should be empowered to procure from the livery-stable
+the necessary conveyances, and should become personally responsible for
+the same.
+
+The proposition was agreed to, with a clause to the effect that when he
+paid the bill he should treat the company with the change.
+
+Each man then appointed every other man a committee to raise the means,
+and keep himself sober until the appointed hour, after which they
+adjourned to prepare.
+
+At eight, by the City Hall clock (and, of course, half-past eight by
+every other clock in the city) next morning, the convention was
+incomplete.
+
+For an hour there were three men lacking; but Mr. John I. Cake finally
+made his appearance, with his breeches tucked into his boots, a
+horsewhip in his hand, and a suspicious-looking protuberance immediately
+over his left coat pocket. The attention of the company being called to
+this, Johnny explained by saying that it was his Testament and
+hymn-book, and that he had been all the morning engaged in turning down
+the leaves at the proper places, so that he might not be interrupted in
+his devotions. A half hour longer was appropriated in waiting for
+Wagstaff and Overdale, but at the end of that time, those two worthies
+failing to appear, the party resolved to start without them, Boggs
+remarking, that if those tardy individuals failed to reach Heaven
+because of their religious shortcomings, they could not say, in
+extenuation of their offence, that their fraternal Elephants had not
+waited a sufficient time to give them an opportunity for salvation.
+
+The vehicles provided for the occasion were two single buggies, into
+which all seven of the party were to pack themselves, a feat which was
+finally accomplished, much to the detriment of Johnny Cake's
+shirt-collar, and greatly to the discomfiture of Quackenbush, who had to
+sit in behind, and let his legs hang over.
+
+Van Dam took the reins of the foremost carriage, and his first exploit
+was to run the wheel against the curb-stone, and spill the party into a
+coal-hole, from which they were rescued by the exertions of the
+bystanders. They once more started on their journey, under the
+supervision of Quackenbush, who was recalled from the stern of the
+craft, and made to assume the guidance of the crazy horse.
+
+Van Dam, on being deprived of his charge, immediately went to sleep, and
+waked no more, except when his companions roused him to pay the toll,
+which they did at every gate, until there was no more small change in
+his pockets than there is gunpowder in a tom-cat, after which they
+offered to pay every time with a twenty-dollar bill, and as no one would
+assume the responsibility of changing it, they passed free, and
+proceeded merrily enough until they reached the encampment of the devout
+darkeys.
+
+There being no taverns immediately adjoining, the horses were made as
+comfortable as circumstances would admit of, under a beech-tree, in a
+clover-field, and the human part of the Elephantine delegation marched
+in an exceedingly irregular procession to the camp ground; the line of
+march being occasionally thrown into disorder by John Spout, who
+persisted in making protracted and strenuous efforts to squeeze
+something wet out of a Schiedam schnapps bottle, which had been dry as a
+powder-horn ever since Quackenbush had his last pull at it.
+
+A description of the sylvan scene which met their metropolitan gaze may
+not be out of place.
+
+It was in a clearing, in a piece of beech and maple woods. Stands were
+erected for some of the prominent speakers; slabs were laid from stump
+to stump, for the accommodation of such of the brothers and sisters as
+desired to sit still and listen to the preaching, and in places straw
+was laid on the ground, for the special benefit of such as had the
+"power," and wanted to get down on the ground and have a private tussle
+with the devil on their own account. Stands were erected under the
+trees, in the shadiest spots, by enterprising white folks, for the sale
+of gingerbread and root-beer, and it was rumored that some speculators,
+distrusting the appearance of the "sperits of just men made perfeck,"
+had supplied their place with other spirits, full as potent and equally
+reliable.
+
+The grass might have been agreeable to look upon at a distance, but a
+close inspection showed it to be full of pismires; the stumps would have
+been commodious seats, if they had not been most of them previously
+appropriated by black-snakes; the sleeping places would have been tents,
+if they had not been huts, and a poetical fancy might have pictured them
+as being constructed of canvas, white as the driven snow, but the
+practical mind instantly discovered that they were made of oak slabs and
+dirty horse-blankets. Some imaginative people would have set down the
+speaking of the ministers as eloquence if not inspiration, but a
+critical individual would have found fault with the bad grammar, and
+insinuated that the inspiration was all perspiration.
+
+At the north end of the ground, a big darkey in his shirt-sleeves was
+mounted on a platform, preaching to a crowd, who seemed, by their
+vermicular contortions, to be possessed of a legion of eely devils. On
+the west side, a fat wench was stirring up the fire under a big kettle
+of soup, seemingly composed principally of onions and ham; in a sly
+corner a red-shirt b'hoy was displaying the mysterious evolutions of
+the "little joker," and two small specimens of ebony juvenility were
+playing euchre on a basswood log; opposite to these, mounted on a cider
+barrel, a molasses-colored gentleman was going through a rather
+extraordinary performance; he had preached till his audience had all
+left him; then shouted "Hallelujah," and "Glory," till he was hoarse;
+had sung hymns in a spasmodic whisper till his voice gave entirely out,
+and now, in despair at being unable to speak, yet compelled to work off
+his superabundant religion, as if he were a locomotive with too big a
+head of steam on, he was dancing on one leg, and kicking the other about
+in a kind of perpetual pigeon-wing, and tossing his arms upwards in a
+wild and original manner, as if he was using his utmost endeavors to
+climb to heaven on an invisible tarred rope.
+
+To the shouts of the men, and the screams of the women who had got too
+much religion, was added the laughter of the outsiders, who hadn't got
+enough religion, and the swearing of the gamblers, who hadn't got any
+religion; and to complete the harmony, from a neighboring pasture was
+wafted the roars of a herd of cattle, applauding, in their own peculiar
+manner, an extemporaneous bull-fight.
+
+Mr. Dropper gave it as his opinion, that camp-meeting religion, if
+analyzed, would be found to consist of equal parts of rum, rowdyism, and
+insanity. As, however, it was deemed improper to decide without a
+complete examination of the premises, it was resolved to proceed in
+company to explore the place.
+
+Quackenbush, who had resumed his nap on the grass, was roused, and after
+getting the grasshoppers out of his hair, the sand-flies out of his
+ears, and pulling off his boots to look for centipedes, he was declared
+ready for active duty, and they proceeded on their march.
+
+They found in a side hut of more pretentious appearance than the rest,
+that there was something unusual going on, and upon inquiring,
+discovered that one of the fragrant flock having transgressed, he was
+then having his trial before the "session."
+
+The party moved on to where the minister in his shirt-sleeves was
+edifying a small, but select, not to say noisy, congregation. The
+audience seemed to be affected much in the same manner as a strong shock
+of electricity will stir up a crowd of boys who have all got hold of the
+same wire. As there seemed to be a prospect of fun, the Elephants made a
+temporary halt to witness the same.
+
+The sermon was now concluded, and the shirt-sleeve-man kneeled down on
+the platform and began to pray; he must have had no inconsiderable
+amount of similar exercise before, for the knees of his pantaloons were
+worn entirely through, and there was a large hole behind where he had
+sat upon his heels.
+
+No sooner had he fairly commenced praying than some of the more
+energetic in the crowd began to groan; when he made a thorny point, and
+said something about the "arrow of conviction," some fat wench would
+sing out "Glory;" when he put in a touch about hell fire and other
+torrid climates, they would cry out "Yes, Lord." And when he put in an
+extra lick about repentance, and death, and damnation, and other
+pleasant luxuries, the whole crowd fairly screamed with excitement.
+
+At length a powerful darkey, with a head like a cord of No. 1 curled
+hair, and with nothing on to hide his black anatomy but a pair of thin
+breeches and a blue shirt, began to give unequivocal manifestations of
+the workings of his faith; first he kicked a woman with his right leg,
+then he kicked a little boy with his left, then he punched one of the
+brethren in the stomach, then he stepped on the toes of a grey-haired
+class-leader, but, as both were barefooted, no harm was done; then he
+yelled like seven Indians, and howled like seven Irishmen, and danced
+about like a whole regiment of crazy Dutchmen. When he opened his mouth,
+the minister dodged the yawning chasm, and the man fell down and
+sprawled about in the mud, striking about with his arms and legs, as if
+he were swimming on a bet, and was only two minutes from the stake-boat.
+At last he ceased to move, and stiffened out as if he had suddenly
+swallowed a rifle-barrel, which stuck in his throat like Macbeth's amen.
+The damaged brethren gathered round; the sisters, after giving their
+injured shins a consoling rub, also came to the rescue, and the man was
+picked up. He was foaming at the mouth; his teeth were set together so
+that a fence-stake was required to pry them apart; his shirt was
+unbuttoned (his pantaloons had unbuttoned themselves); a pailful of
+water out of the nearest frog-pond was dashed in his face, and he soon
+so far recovered himself as to ask for corn whisky. All immediately
+sang, with a strong chorus, a thanksgiving hymn, that his soul was
+saved; though what connection there was between corn whisky and
+salvation puzzled the Elephantines some, if not more.
+
+When this interesting episode in the day's performance was concluded,
+the participants picked themselves up, and prepared to again besiege
+Satan in his stronghold, the north side of Sebastopol of the hearts of
+sinful niggers. Singing was the first feature, and the hymn was of a
+style unique, and, to the Elephants, highly refreshing. In point of
+comparison they had never known anything like it, and the execution was
+incomparable to anything known to exist by them. An athletic colored
+individual sang the words of the hymn, and, after each verse, the whole
+congregation would join in the swelling chorus.
+
+The effect of the hymn was electric. No less than twenty-seven colored
+females were seized with spasmodic religion, whilst over a dozen of the
+sterner sex found themselves unable to longer resist the thirsting of
+the spirit for religious nourishment, and they, too, fell over, and,
+amid the howling, kicking, singing, shouting and indescribable confusion
+that followed, Mr. Quackenbush expressed it as his opinion that chaos
+had come.
+
+But Mr. Boggs was seriously affected by the performance. He fell down in
+the grass, and laughed, and rolled, and positively refused to be
+comforted or get up, until the rest of the company ran sticks in his
+ears, and put last year's chestnut-burs down his back. When he had
+sufficiently recovered, the members of the club renewed their
+investigations. They listened to several exhortations and hymns, and
+then peeped under the horse-blanket tents. In one they saw a youthful
+wench, trying to pray with her mouth full of cold sausage. Her efforts
+were useless, and becoming satisfied of this fact herself, she
+concluded, very sensibly, to no longer try to save her soul on an empty
+stomach, but see to her bodily wants first. Before she had got ready to
+pray again she had drank a pint of gin, which so heightened her
+religious enthusiasm that she made a dive among the pious elders, gave
+four shouts of glory, and fell into the arms of a venerable gentleman,
+who divided his time for the next hour in kissing the young sister, and
+crying amen and glory in alternation.
+
+At last, the Elephants concluded to return to the city. They piled
+themselves into the vehicles, and by means of sundry persuasive
+arguments, the horses were induced to reach the livery-stable, rather
+warm, inside of two hours.
+
+After the party had stowed away divers beefsteaks and onions, and other
+articles of food, they ascended into the club-room. Here they found
+Overdale and Wagstaff, both asleep. They were awakened, and, in a
+peremptory manner, the Higholdboy demanded to know why they had not
+been on hand in the morning at the place of rendezvous, to witness the
+sable performance in the rural districts. The answers of the two
+offending individuals differed. Wagstaff assigned as a reason that he
+was asleep, whereas Overdale stated that he wasn't awake. The Higholdboy
+announced himself satisfied with the answers.
+
+
+
+
+FURTHER DISCOVERIES.
+
+   "There is a tide in the affairs of men,
+   Which taken at the flood leads on----"
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WITH the facts contained in our last chapter, the members of the
+Elephantine order may be said to have fairly begun their herculean
+labors. Certain it is that all the spare time they could command was
+devoted to an investigation into the particular speciality in zoological
+science, for which the club had been organized; and certain it is that
+the prospect of some rare contribution from members at the next regular
+meeting was good.
+
+The meeting night arrived at length, the members were all present, and
+punctual to the hour.
+
+The Higholdboy had brought with him a pair of boxing-gloves, which he
+announced were to be used in this wise: He was determined to keep order
+in the meetings, and this, too, even if he had to resort to severe means
+to do so. But actuated by the same feelings of benevolence which
+animated the legislators who caused the passage of laws to prevent
+cruelty to animals, he did not want to do physical injury to the
+refractory members of the club. Therefore, he had brought the aforesaid
+boxing-gloves, so that when he knocked a member down, he wouldn't either
+draw blood or give him a black eye.
+
+This humane considerateness on the part of Mr. Spout was warmly
+commended by the brethren, and Mr. Quackenbush, in behalf of the club,
+
+_Resolved_, that the Higholdboy is a model presiding officer.
+
+This resolution in behalf of the club was adopted by Mr. Quackenbush.
+
+Overdale here arose and said that he fully coincided with the spirit of
+the resolution; he had a proposition to make, however, which was to
+order up some cold corned beef, celery, mustard, rolls, and butter,
+provided he would consent to let the members keep order after their own
+fashion.
+
+This appeal to Mr. Spout's feelings was irresistible, and he gave his
+full consent, saying that that was all he had contemplated under any
+circumstances, and if they could ring in Overdale for the feed, it was
+so much gained. It was accordingly ordered that Overdale give his order.
+
+Mr. Boggs said that boxing-gloves forcibly reminded him of some
+experience he had had several years previously. Though a person by no
+means thin, and notwithstanding the fact that he had been for years
+troubled with chronic good health, yet, from reading at that time
+various physiological works, he had become convinced, that from the want
+of proper physical training, his dissolution might be considered near at
+hand, unless he took immediate measures to save his precious life by
+means of active exercise. He accordingly visited the gymnasiums, but the
+idea of putting himself into such fantastic shapes as he saw young men
+doing, was to him not to be thought of. Further, he was decidedly
+opposed to the idea of making himself the laughing-stock of a set of
+young rascals by his awkward efforts in his incipient progress. Whilst
+he was yet undecided, a friend suggested to him that he procure a couple
+of pairs of boxing-gloves, and practise with them. "Having purchased the
+gloves," continued Mr. Boggs, "I was still at a loss to know how to
+proceed. I didn't want to practice with anybody, because I knew that my
+awkwardness would make mirth for them, and to this I was decidedly
+opposed. Under these circumstances I resorted to other means. In the
+garret of the house in which I lived was a mammoth stove--in fact,
+gentlemen, a stove which I could strike and not knock over, which would
+not laugh at me in my attacks, and therefore a stove with which I made
+up my mind to have a few rounds each day.
+
+"The next day I went up into the garret. There stood the sable champion
+of heavy weight, and, for the first time in my life, I stripped myself
+of my coat, to fight without being appalled. The stove loomed up in
+giant proportions; I stood before it, and squared off as well as I knew
+how. I imagined I saw the stove's right fist coming at my left eye. I
+parried off the blow, which, without doubt, would have been aimed at me,
+had the stove had a right fist as I imagined, and with my right fist I
+planted a stunner in the place where his bread-basket should have been.
+The result was a powerful reaction, and I found myself sprawling on the
+floor. I ascertained that I was not damaged, and wisely determined then
+that I would not strike such powerful blows in the future.
+
+"I again squared off, and began putting in the blows in rapid
+succession, whilst I managed successfully to keep my adversary from
+hitting me in even one of the many attempts which I imagined he made. I
+kept up the practice about an hour.
+
+"The next day I resumed my practice, and I kept it up for several weeks,
+when I fancied that I was sufficiently expert to 'travel on my muscle.'
+
+"To be sure, I had fought an inanimate object, which could not strike;
+still, in the tussles I had imagined the stove striking at me from all
+conceivable directions, and I had not only been able to guard-off these
+imaginary blows, but I had shown the stove that I could put in a few
+astonishers between times.
+
+"I was ready now for practice with a living adversary. But who was he to
+be? that was the question. I was still unwilling to call in any of my
+acquaintances, as I might possibly after all be found _veni, vidi,
+vici_, as we say in the classics, which, when translated into English,
+means weighed in the balance and found short (suppressed snickers).
+
+"One day, as I was cogitating upon the matter in front of the house, a
+big nigger, full six feet in height, came along. He looked as if he
+wanted a job, and with a good deal of trepidation, I ventured to ask him
+if I was right in supposing him anxious to make a half-dollar. I found
+him to be an eager candidate for any position, from a cashier of a
+bogus bank up to a boot-black. I took him up in the garret and disclosed
+to him the nature of my desires, and took occasion to inform him that I
+would give him a half-dollar for two hours services per day, and a
+quarter in addition never to say a word about the matter; to this he
+assented, and I told him to put on the gloves. He took the dirty pair
+out of respect to me (not taking into consideration the probable
+consequence to me, in case of his succeeding in putting in a few licks),
+and I took the clean pair.
+
+"We squared off, and occupied a minute or two in preliminary practice; I
+felt fully confident that I could manage him quite as easily as I had
+the stove, and after telling him to do his best, I proceeded to give him
+a poke in his breast. We gradually warmed in the work, the blows passed
+more frequently, and as we proceeded I became conscious of the fact that
+I managed to put in almost one blow to his three. I then made my
+calculations to give the nigger a regular rib riser, and just as I was
+about to consummate this well digested plan, I became apprised that
+something important had happened; what it was I was unable for a minute
+or two to decide; several thoughts passed rapidly through my mind. One
+idea I had was, that a bombshell from Sebastopol had exploded in the
+identical premises which I was then occupying. But this gave way to
+another, which was that New York had been tipped over into Buttermilk
+Channel; then again, I thought that somebody was using my head for a
+rattle-box; several other theories suggested themselves to me, all of
+which were equally reasonable. But at any-rate the cause of the peculiar
+sensations was soon solved. The nigger had given me a clip, covering the
+lower part of my proboscis, my mouth, and chin, had set my nose
+bleeding, and cut my lips somewhat against my teeth, and the blood was
+flowing profusely.
+
+"I looked around for the nigger, but he had disappeared; the probability
+is that he thought he had been the cause of my death, and fearing an
+indictment for murder, had vamosed without stopping to get his fifty
+cents.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I picked myself up as well as I could, and travelled down stairs to my
+room. A look into the mirror presented to my view an interesting picture
+of my self; not only were my nose and lips swollen, but the gloves which
+the nigger had on, being blackened with the stove-blacking, had
+communicated the metallic polish to my face and shirt, so that both
+were of a beautiful sheet-iron color. I kept my room for ten days; sent
+word to the landlady that I had the measles, and requested that nobody
+be admitted to my room but the servant who brought me my food, and him I
+feed liberally to keep mum. When I got well enough to go out, I loaned
+my boxing gloves to a young gentleman, with my mind fully made up that
+if he never offered to return them, I shouldn't send a constable after
+him, nor ask him for them. I have not indulged in any amusements of the
+kind since, and I am glad to announce that I am fully satisfied with my
+past experience in the study of the science."
+
+Mr. Boggs's narrative was loudly applauded. He, however, protested
+against the civility.
+
+Mr. Van Dam characterized it as a valuable contribution, which called
+forth from Mr. Boggs the question, "What the devil he meant by calling
+it a contribution; he had no idea of the kind."
+
+The members insisted that, however he might regard it, it certainly was
+a valuable contribution to their entertainment, and would grace the
+archives of the club.
+
+Mr. Boggs stated that had he entertained the most distant idea he was
+doing anything of any value to anybody, he should have never been able
+to say a word. If it was a contribution he was glad of it.
+
+The Higholdboy then called upon the other members for their
+contributions to science.
+
+Mr. Quackenbush responded, and after drinking some Croton water diluted
+with gin, he began:
+
+"Last evening I started out on a cruise, with the view of seeing the
+elephant on the streets by gas-light. I saw the identical elephant to be
+seen every evening, and with which you are all familiar, and I began to
+think about eleven o'clock that I should be compelled to retire to rest
+without having seen anything worthy of note. To be sure, I had seen a
+fight between a nigger and Irishman, which, after the first round, was
+finished by each party running away as fast as his legs could carry him,
+thereby tacitly acknowledging that he was beaten; but what was this?
+Every one of you have been in fights, and of course it would be
+unnatural to suppose that a description of a scrimmage of brief duration
+between an Irishman and a nigger would be particularly interesting. I
+was about to turn my footsteps homeward, when the movements of an
+individual attracted my attention. The person in question was a
+gentleman of about forty-five years of age. His height was fully six
+feet, his form was very spare, his face thin, his nose sharp and
+prominent, his eyes and hair grey, and his face closely shaven,
+wrinkled, and sallow. He was dressed in a plain black dress-coat and
+pants, of a style about three years old. His vest was of black satin,
+his shirt-bosom was scrupulously white; a black silk choker was tightly
+enveloped about his neck, above which peered a diminutive collar, which,
+when it was put on, was without doubt a standing-collar, but the starch
+had not been made of such a consistency as to render it consistent for
+the collar to stand up against the unstiffening effects of a hot day's
+sweating. As I saw him, he was coming down the street at a rapid rate,
+describing all sorts of geometrical figures on the sidewalk, and making
+efforts to sing the words of "Yankee Doodle" to the tune of "Old
+Hundred." Whenever he ran against an awning-post, he would stop, and
+expostulate with the post for its want of civility, and would insist
+that the post had never been born and bred in the St. Lawrence country,
+or it would have shown more politeness to strangers. He was entirely
+unable to account for the sudden revolutions of the earth, which made
+day and night follow each other in such quick succession. When he ran
+against a lamp-post, he would look up to the light and insist that it
+was dinner-time, and would wonder why the old woman didn't blow the
+horn. At that moment a policeman came along, and was going to take him
+into custody. On observing the policeman's uniform, he inquired of him
+whether he was a 'Merican or British soger, and whether the Russians had
+whipped Nicholas, and whether Cuba had begun to bombard General Pierce
+at Sebastopol. I knew the officer very well, and he suggested that as
+the man seemed to be quite respectable in his appearance, it might be
+well to take him to a hotel for the night. I volunteered to do this, and
+accordingly took him under my care. On going down, he asked me if I was
+a karvern teeper, as he wanted to take a drink of bed, and then go to
+sleep on a blass of grandy. I told him I was, and would see him put to
+bed all right. On asking him his name, I learned that he was Deacon
+Josiah Pettingill, of St. Lawrence county. We got to the hotel, and I
+informed the clerk that the gentleman was a country friend of mine, whom
+I wanted stowed away for the night, and for whom I would call in the
+morning. I accompanied him to the room, assisted in removing his
+garments, and, after putting him between the sheets, I left the
+premises. This morning I called on him at his room, and found him still
+asleep. I proceeded to awaken him. It occupied some minutes to explain
+to him the true condition of affairs. At last, the whole of the
+occurrences of the previous evening seemed to come to his recollection.
+
+"He inquired his condition when I found him. I told him that he was at
+that time considerably drunk, and disposed to be somewhat noisy.
+
+"'Well, squire,' said he, 'I shouldn't be surprised if it was so; the
+fact is, my head aches at this minute as if it was ready to bust, and it
+feels jest as it did once in my lifetime, a good while ago, when I took
+too much egg nogg; that was full twenty-five year ago; for awhile, I
+felt as if I was ridin' to Heaven over glairy ice down a high hill, on a
+bob-sled with its runners greased. But I never got there; I know one
+thing sartain--a few hours afterward I felt as if the bob-sled had run
+agin a stump, when almost tu the bottom of the hill, and the concussion
+had landed me intu a cauldron-kettle full of fever and ager and
+blacksmiths' hammers, mixed together in equal parts; it wasn't funny,
+squire; I went right off and jined the church, and hain't been blue
+since, unless I wos last night.'
+
+"I asked Mr. Pettingill to give me a history of his experience in the
+city. He complied, and stated the facts as follows:--
+
+"'Well, you see, squire, I come to the city last evenin' from Albany, in
+the railroad, and when I got tu the shed where the railroad stops, I
+got out. A feller stepped up to me as important as a bantam cock after
+he has crowed for the first time, and asked me where I wanted to go. I
+told him I wanted tu go tu a first-rate tarvern. He said that idea was
+ridiculous; that they never allowed distinguished strangers tu go tu
+tarverns, and, unless he was mistaken, I was something above the common
+folks from the rooral deestricts. I told him I was supervisor of the
+town where I was born and brought up, in the St. Lawrence country. He
+said he was thunderin' glad to hear it, as he himself was something of a
+high cockalorum of New York. He insisted upon my gittin' intu the
+carriage and goin' tu his private dwellin', as it would be vulgar tu go
+tu tarverns. I asked him if the St. Nicholas Hotel was common. He said
+that nobody but those that wasn't no great shakes went there. We finally
+come to a real big, purty stun house, and the man jumped off from the
+carriage. He told me again that if he was rich he wasn't proud, and it
+was a way he had of always ridin' outside and drivin'. I told him I
+always done so, only in the consarn I had they all rode outside, for the
+reason that there warn't no inside. With that he larfed, and said that
+all folks didn't have jest the same way of doin' things, and we went tu
+the door. A nigger come and opened the door, and we went in. There was
+about twenty gentlemen, fixed off tu kill, and a table sot with bottles,
+and everything as slickery as could be. The man who brought me took me
+tu a fine-looking gentleman and told me that he was his brother, that he
+was obleeged tu go out on business connected with his office, but that
+he would be back by 11 o'clock; he said his brother would see tu me, and
+do the scrumptious while he was gone; well, we set down to the table; he
+was orful kind, for he helped me tu everything he could on the
+table--all kinds of chicken-fixens and gingerbread arrangements; he then
+asked me tu take a glass of wine; I told him I was a little tew much of
+a temperance man for that; he said certainly he wouldn't ask me if I had
+any scrooples agin' it; he asked me if I was opposed to drinkin' cider;
+I said no, if it was sweet; he said that they had got in, about a week
+before, a barrel of sweet cider, which had jest enough snap in it tu
+make it taste good; he told the nigger to take a bottle of wine up
+stairs tu his sick nephew, and tu bring a pitcher full of cider up
+stairs from the new barrel; the nigger left with the bottle and the
+pitcher, and in about five minutes came back intu the room with the
+pitcher full of the slickest cider I ever seen; I drunk some of it, and
+it tasted so good that I drunk more; when I had taken almost enough,
+the gentleman asked me tu go into the back room where a lot of men was a
+setting around a table, holdin' little round pieces of bone in their
+hands and puttin' 'em down, and another man was fumblin' with some
+pieces of paper; I asked him if they wasn't playin' cards, 'cause I
+thought they looked as if they was; he said no, that they was Wall
+street stock-dealers, and that the pieces of bone stood for so many
+shares of stock; he asked if I wouldn't like to become a stock-jobber,
+and he said there was a power of money tu be made at the business; I
+said I guessed not, but he seemed tu be anxious tu do a little at it
+himself, and he asked me to lend him a hundred dollars which he would
+give back tu me when his brother came; after he had give me three or
+four more glasses of cider, which, by this time, he poured out of
+bottles, I handed him my money-puss and told him tu help himself; he
+opened it and took out all there was in it, which was ten dollars; he
+asked me if that was all I had got, and I told him that my calculations
+bad been jest right; that when I started from hum I had an idee that I
+should land with jest ten dollars in my puss; he then asked me if I had
+brought any checks or drafts, and I told him no; so he said he would
+borrow the ten, and he went into the stock business pretty heavy, and I
+watched to see how he made in the speculation, but after takin' three or
+four more glasses of that cider, I kinder lost the run of the
+speculation; he then said it would be a good idee tu go out and get some
+fresh air, which we did, after taking a little more of that cider; as we
+went along the streets, I thought that we didn't have tu move our
+feet--that the street moved up and down tu save us the trouble; the
+houses kinder got to playin' blind man's buff, and the streets got to
+heaving up and down orfully, and when I was wonderin' what on airth made
+it, I missed the gentleman; that, squire, is about all I recollect; but
+the fun of the matter is this, that I was cute enough not tu tell the
+gentleman I had three hundred dollar bills tucked behind the strap of my
+boot, in the leg.'
+
+"Mr. Pettingill then took one of his boots from the floor, drew out the
+three hundred dollar bills, and held them up as a triumph of St.
+Lawrence cuteness.
+
+"'Now,' said he, 'squire, I want you tu show me a tarvern where nobody
+won't want tu borrow money of me. I am a little 'spicious of that man's
+brother. I don't believe he intended to pay me.'
+
+"I told him that his present quarters were as desirable, in all points
+of view, as any he could find in the city, after which I informed him,
+much to his astonishment, that he had been taken to a gambling-house,
+and it was owing to his 'cuteness,' which, it seems, did not forsake him
+when drunk, that he had not lost all his money.
+
+"Mr. Pettingill thanked me for the part I had taken in his behalf, and
+gave me a pressing invitation to come to his place in St. Lawrence
+county, next summer, and spend a month with him, all of which I promised
+to do, if it was possible."
+
+Mr. Quackenbush was congratulated on his good fortune in coming across
+that particular species of the elephant, whose nature and
+characteristics he had so happily and correctly delineated in his paper.
+
+It was moved by Mr. Dropper that a copy of the contribution be requested
+from Quackenbush, to make cigar-lighters of, and that the original be
+deposited in the big room of the American Institute, as a specimen of
+bad chirography.
+
+Mr. Q. said he would see them blowed first.
+
+Mr. Van Dam next proceeded with his contribution:
+
+"A few evenings since," said he, "as I was passing through one of the
+streets of Gotham, I observed a crowd collected near a corner grocery.
+Thinking that an opportunity was afforded to see something worth taking
+a note of, I ran for the spot in time to see the difficulty. I found
+there a man, holding with each hand a boy, and both of the juveniles
+making frantic efforts to release themselves from his grasp. The man was
+a small, cadaverous-appearing individual, a compound of gamboge and
+chalk, the gamboge predominating. There was a tinge of yellow in his
+face, he had yellow hair, and he had on a suit of summer clothes, made
+of some yellow material. Nature had favored him with a dwarfed
+moustache, composed of twenty-eight yellow hairs, and also an incipient
+beard, made up of seventy-six yellow hairs, and turned out in the shape
+of a triangle, the base of which rested upon the chin, at the point
+where it begins to retreat, and the apex of which reached the middle of
+his under lip.
+
+"The appearance of the boys would indicate that they were of Irish
+birth. One had a squint-eye and a head of hair which the youth of
+America are accustomed to designate as 'brick-top.' His snub nose was
+ordinarily directed to an imaginary point in the heavens, about
+forty-five degrees above the horizon. His garments were not altogether
+the style which would be pronounced _au fait_, by a Broadway leader of
+the fashion. It would seem that he had only one purpose in view in
+jumping into the aforesaid garments, which purpose was, not to create a
+sensation, either by the accuracy of their fit, or the newness of the
+material, but rather to cover his form, and keep out the cold, at such
+times as the clerk of the weather was induced to fetch up "heated terms"
+all standing, and give us a specimen of the temperature, perhaps
+somewhat mollified, which is supposed to exist in the immediate vicinity
+of Symmes Hole. The description of one of the boys will do very well for
+the other, except that in some particulars he was a little more so, and
+in others a little less, which statement, gentlemen, I consider
+sufficiently definite for all practical purposes.
+
+"The sympathies of the bystanders seemed to be decidedly in favor of the
+boys, who were so violent in their resistance that the man could hold
+them only with great difficulty. Once they tripped him, and then all
+three fell over a barrel of turnips, upsetting a barrel-cover containing
+apples; but the man was enabled to continue his hold on the boys. At
+last, when one of them, by tangling his leg around the man, upset him
+into a tub of pickles, the man called out, in a shrill voice, 'Vatch!
+vatch!' All this transpired amid the shouts of the lookers-on. 'Go in,
+blinky,' said one. 'Keep a going, sour krout,' said another; and various
+were the remarks of this character which were heard. But, as usual, the
+police were not at hand, and the sequel proved that their absence was
+rather to be desired than otherwise. Notwithstanding the fact that the
+sympathies of the crowd were apparently in favor of the boys, yet the
+general feeling seemed to be that the merits of the case should be
+understood, and when the boys made an effort to escape, they were
+prevented; and when the vanquished German had extricated himself from
+the pickle-tub, one of the persons asked what the boys had done.
+
+"'Do,' said the grocery-keeper, 'dey do so much as to sends dem to de
+States brison. Dey is de vorst poys as runs in de shtreets. De oder
+night dey comes here to mine shtore-crocery a koople of times, and ven I
+vas not see dem, dey ketch my cats by de dails, and dies vire-crackers
+to de cat's dail, on de shtep-valk, and den sets vire to de crackers,
+and trows de cats down. Den de cats she runs like de tuyvel into de
+shtore so much scare. She yump all around on de counters, over into de
+barrels, breaks into bieces some new bottles vat I buy yust, sets vire
+to some paper vat vas lay on de counters, tumbles over ebery dings vat
+vas in de vay, and gets all shplitter shplatter mixed up togedder. I
+find some shweet oil bottles shpill in de box fon green dea; she knock
+down fom de shelf a big match-box, vich hold a gross fon matches, and
+dey go off and shmell so vorse mit primstone as if de tuyvel had moved
+into mine shtore-crocery, and I can't tell you so much damage as it do;
+and ven I look for de cats, I find her about an hour rolled up in a
+pasket fon green beas, mit all de hair scorch off de pehind side fon
+her. Dis vas on Saturday night vill be two veeks.'
+
+"'Why didn't you catch them then?' asked one of the party.
+
+"'Ketch dem,' said the grocery-man; 'pefore I vas get over mine scare,
+dey vas run avay, and you might yust so vell try to find a needle mit a
+hay-shtacks as to find dem. But I tells de constopples about dem, and
+dey say dey vill look out for dem. Vell, two tree days go by, and von
+morning I comes down shtairs to unlocks de door fon mine shtore-crocery.
+De key vas in de inside de door, and ven I durns dem round to unlock dem
+yust, I hears some-dings shoot off on de oder side de door. I vas much
+scare, and I runs up shtairs, for I dinks some feller vants to shoot me,
+and I sends my vife out de oder door to look round on de shtep-walk, and
+see who vas dere. Ven she come back she say der bin no beeples dere, and
+so I go vonce more to unlocks de door. I durns de key so quick as I can,
+ven pop! crack! shoot! I hears again de noise. I vas so much scare dat
+I falls over, and I bulls de door open. Ven I finds I vas not shoot, I
+looks in de lock and finds dere some bieces baper, vat you make de
+little vite vire-crackers--you call'----
+
+"'Torpedoes,' suggested one of the persons present.
+
+"'Yes, dorpedoes,' resumed the German, 'dat's the name.'
+
+"'How do you know these boys put torpedoes in your lock?' asked one.
+
+"'I know it so vell as I vants to know,' was the response.
+
+"'Did you see 'em do it, or did anybody else? was the next question.
+
+"'No, I did not see dem do it, but I know it was dem I can, shvear it
+vas dem,' said the confident accuser.
+
+"'Pretty good swearin,' said a man in a red shirt. 'Say, old sour
+krout,' he continued, 'what else have the boys done?'
+
+"'Mine Gott!' said the corner grocery-man, despairingly, 'is dat not
+enough vat I have tell you? Ven I go out my shtore-crocery for a minute,
+vonce dey durns de shpiggot fon de lager bier and vinegar parrells, and
+dey runs out in de floor and vaste; ven doy see me in de shtreets dey
+calls me '_Old nicht's cum araus, sour kraut, sprech Deutsch._' Dey
+finds dead rats, and trovs dem on mine awning till dey shmells so bad;
+dey brings an old barber's pole, and sets dem up before mine
+shtore-crocery, on vich vas paint, 'shaving done here,' and ven de
+beeples see de sign, dey laughs and say good, and it make all mine
+customers dink dat I cheat dem.'
+
+"'Is that all?' inquired a bystander.
+
+"'No,' said the German, emphatically, 'I can tell you more as dat.'
+
+"'But how do you know these boys did all these things,' inquired
+another.
+
+"'All de beeples say dey is de fellers,' was the reply.
+
+"'What did they do to-night?' inquired another of the crowd.
+
+"'Vell I tell you dat,' said the persecuted merchant. To night I vas
+shtand in front von mine shtore, to talk mit a carman, who have bring
+some dings to me. Pretty soon, he get on his cart and drive off, and ven
+he shtart, a parrell von botatoes, dat shtand on de edge fon de
+shtep-valk, tip over in de shtreet, and de botatoes fall out and
+shcatter about, and the parrell it go yumping along de shtreets, mit de
+cart; I holler for de carman and he shtop. Ven I go to see, I find dat a
+rope vas tie round the parrel, and hitch to de cart-veel close; vell, I
+bick up de botatoes, and put de parrel vonce more on de shtep-valk, and
+keep vatch. Soon I see dese boys come along, and dey look at me mit de
+tuyvel in deir eyes, and I know it vas dem. Yust den I run and ketch
+dem.'
+
+"The details of the case being pretty well understood, it became a
+question with the crowd what should be done. The general opinion was
+that the boys were wrong in their continued annoyances of the Dutchman,
+though they did not think the case was one sufficiently aggravated to
+justify their being turned over either to the police or to the vengeance
+of the grocery-man. At last a portly old Knickerbocker, who had laughed
+heartily at the Dutchman's narration, essayed to act as spokesman.
+
+"'What's your name,' said he to one of the boys with assumed gravity.
+
+"'Mike Hannegan,' said he, 'and this 'ere boy is Barney Doolan.'
+
+"'Oh, you young rascals,' continued the gentleman, 'you deserve to be
+arrested for your bad ways. You are very bad boys, you know you are,
+whether you are the ones who have bothered the Dutchman or not. He
+guessed right, I think, in supposing you to be the boys. But if these
+gentlemen will let you off, will you stop troubling him in the future?'
+
+"'Yes, sir,' said both of the boys, meekly.
+
+"'Then cut stick, both of you,' said he.
+
+"Just then an individual with a remarkable loaferish air, dressed in a
+blue single-breasted frock coat, with a row of military buttons, a blue
+cap with silver mountings, and a brass star on his breast--an
+individual, in brief, known as a policeman--arrived on the spot, and
+inquired what was the trouble. After informing him that he was a day
+after the fair, I left the vicinity."
+
+When Mr. Van Dam concluded, on motion of Mr. Boggs it was
+
+_Resolved_, that the members of the club do now proceed, each man for
+himself, to light his pipe.
+
+The resolution was acceded to without a dissenting voter.
+
+Dennis, Wagstaff, and Overdale, as usual, had been investigating in
+company, Overdale taking the lead, and Wagstaff taking notes, and all
+three occasionally taking egg-noggs.
+
+A unanimous call was made for Wagstaff's notebook, which was immediately
+forthcoming.
+
+The reading of Mr. Wagstaff's notes was prefaced by statements on the
+part of Dennis and Overdale which made the following facts apparent to
+the club. The previous evening the three went into a Greenwich street
+bar-room, on the invitation of Overdale to pay a visit to Delmonico's,
+to get a piece of pie and some cigars. Whilst partaking of the order, a
+singular person entered the room. His beauty was decidedly of the
+yard-stick character. He was long as a projected Iowa railroad, and as
+symmetrical as a fence-rail; his face was as expressionless as the head
+of Shakspeare which is seen on the drop-curtain of the Broadway Theatre,
+surrounded by a triple row of attenuated sausages. His square and
+angular shoulders made him resemble a high-shouldered pump, while his
+arms moved with as much ease and grace as the handle to the same. Long,
+black hair, parted in the middle, was soaped down until the oleaginous
+ends reposed upon the unctuous collar of his seedy coat. His
+shirt-collar, guiltless of starch, was unbuttoned at the neck and laid
+far back over his vest, doubtless to display a neck which, had it been
+cut off, was long enough to tie.
+
+He had seated himself, and had settled down into a misanthropic quiet,
+when a little stubby man, with one eye--the very ideal of a Washington
+market butcher--happened to enter. As soon as the first-mentioned
+subject saw him, he jumped up, rushed at the stubby man, and had hardly
+touched him, before a blow from the fist of the stubby man caused him
+to collapse on the floor. The stubby man followed up his success by
+pulling the nose of his fallen enemy, and threatening to give him a
+"tolerable shake-up, if he ever came round his shop agin'."
+
+The conflict was brief, as it soon drew in quite a crowd, and amongst
+others a policeman. The tall man was pointed out as the aggressor, but
+the stubby man said "he didn't want to appear agin' the crack-brained
+cuss; that he guessed he (the said cuss) had got the worst of it."
+
+But the assembled multitudes were not satisfied. They thought it was due
+to them that they should have an explanation, and as the tall individual
+seemed anxious, and the stubby individual didn't make any objections, a
+ring was formed to give the parties a chance to be heard.
+
+The stubby man said that while the other was "exercisin' his jaw, he'd
+have some ham'neggs;" whilst he was eating, the tall individual told his
+story, which was one of blighted hopes, disappointed expectations,
+unrequited love, and unappreciated genius. Wagstaff's notes of his words
+read as follows:
+
+"'My name is Julius Jenkins, and I have a cousin named Betsey Brown; I
+love my cousin Betsey; have always loved my cousin Betsey, from the time
+when as children we tore in loving partnership our mutual pantalets and
+petticoats (for these legs once wore pantalets, and their symmetry was
+hidden from admiration by petticoats), looking for blackberries in a
+cedar-swamp; from the time we sucked eggs together in the barn-yard and
+'teetered' in happy sport upon the same board; from the time we built
+playhouses in the garden and made puppy-love behind the currant bushes;
+from those happy days of rural felicity until the present time, my
+cousin Betsey has been the ideal of my soul. We used to eat bread and
+milk out of the same bowl, dig angleworms with the same shovel, go
+fishing in the same creek, steal apples from the same orchard, and crawl
+through the same hole in the fence when the man chased us. Through all
+my lonely life the memory of cousin Betsey has been my guardian angel. I
+have been exposed to dire temptations; once I was reduced to such
+extremity that I was about to earn my dinner by sawing wood, but my
+cousin Betsey seemed to rise before me and say, "Julius, don't degrade
+yourself;" and I didn't. I cast the saw to the earth, and begged my
+dinner from a colored washerwoman. I once accepted a situation as a
+clerk in a retail grocery. I stayed a week, but on every barrel of
+sugar, on every bar of soap, in every keg of lard, in each individual
+potato, in every bushel in all the cellar, I saw the reproachful face
+of my cousin Betsey; it rose before me from the oily depths of the
+butter-firkin, and from the cratery interior of the milk-can; the very
+peanuts rose up in judgment against me, and had on each separate end a
+speaking likeness of my cousin Betsey, which said, "Julius, don't
+degrade yourself;" I couldn't stand it; in the darkness of night I
+packed up my wardrobe (comprising one shirt of my own and two I borrowed
+from a neighboring clothes-line), helped myself to the small change, and
+vanished; I became a painter, I executed a portrait of my cousin Betsey;
+I asked a critical friend to see my masterpiece; he gazed a moment, and
+then asked me which was the tail end; the dolt! he thought I meant it
+for a pig; I wrote poetry to my cousin Betsey, but the printer returned
+it because I spelled Cupid with a K, and put the capitals at the wrong
+end of my words; the uninformed ass; he did not understand the
+eccentricities of genius; I became an actor, and attempted Othello; at
+the rise of the curtain I was saluted with a shower of onions from
+appreciative friends, and at its fall I was presented by the manager
+with a brush, to which he added his gratuitous advice that I should keep
+the paint on my face and go into the boot-blacking business; I turned
+composer, but could never get my "Bootjack Waltz" published, or my
+oratorio of "The Ancient Applewoman" before the public; at last my
+cousin Betsey came to live in the city, and I thought once more to
+possess her love, but I found a rival; a one-eyed butcher; I wrote
+letters to her; I know that they should have been tied with blue ribbon,
+but necessity dictated cotton twine; I sent her presents; not so
+valuable as I could have wished; my intention was good but my means were
+limited; I could have wished to offer gold and jewels, but I could never
+afford more than a string of smelts, or half a pint of huckleberries; I
+resolved to serenade my cousin Betsey; I procured a violin, strung with
+the daintiest filaments ever made from the bowels of the most delicate
+female feline infant; I repaired beneath her window and commenced my
+song, but the butcher came to the window, threw down a dime, and told me
+to go away; he took me for an organ-grinder; I indignantly stamped the
+money into the earth, but thought again, picked it up and purchased
+some brandy to nerve me for a desperate deed; I had resolved to see that
+butcher, to meet that butcher, to challenge that butcher, to fight that
+butcher, to conquer that butcher or to die; yesterday I went to that
+butcher's shop to execute my design, but he kicked me out. To day I came
+in here in despair; who should come in but the butcher; now was my
+chance; I rushed at him, but my personal strength was not equal to the
+task; he boxed my ears, pulled my nose, and I was cheated out of my
+revenge, simply because I wasn't able to lick him. Now I demand of this
+intelligent assembly, as a matter of right, the instant annihilation of
+the one-eyed butcher now present, the author of all my miseries, that my
+Betsey may be restored to me.'
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Mr. Jenkins sank into a chair, exhausted by his effort.
+
+"The butcher wiped his chops on a red silk handkerchief, and then
+proceeded to tell his story, which was as follows, as appears by
+Wagstaff's notes;
+
+"'This here feller's allers botherin' my wife, 'cause he says she's
+his'n; yesterday he gits drunk, comes in my place, and wants to fight
+me. I told him to leave, and he wouldn't, so I hussled him out. I
+happened to come in here jus' now, and he comes at me. I doubles him
+up, and that's the hull story.'
+
+"The laconic statement of the one-eyed stubby butcher satisfied the
+parties assembled that Mr. Jenkins's insane pursuit of another man's
+wife had justly brought upon him the indignation of the husband, and he
+was advised very generally, in the future, to cease all importunities of
+a similar character.
+
+"Finding that his story excited no sympathy in his behalf, Mr. Jenkins
+left the place in disgust, and the three Elephantines soon after left in
+an omnibus."
+
+Mr. Spout here arose, and said he liked the story in all of its parts,
+except the concluding joke, which he considered to be, not only unkind,
+but uncalled for. He should take the liberty of considering it expunged
+from the records.
+
+Some member here dared to suggest that it was high time that the
+Higholdboy should do something else than criticise the contributions of
+his fellow-members.
+
+Mr. Spout desired it to be understood that he should admit of no
+dictation from inferiors; that he should exercise his own discretion in
+deciding whether he would contribute to the amusement of others, or
+criticise them in their efforts to be jolly. Yet, without giving up any
+of this right, he would volunteer to lay before the club, on the
+present occasion, a matter which, to him, possessed some points of
+interest, and as he didn't care whether it interested the others or not,
+he should state facts for his own amusement. He intended to laugh at
+everything which he thought was funny, without any reference to the
+comfort of others.
+
+"The circumstance which I am about to relate," said Mr. Spout, "is one
+in which a friend of mine was involved. My friend's name," he continued,
+"is Bartholomew Buxton. He is the owner of a book-store, and was led
+into that business on account of a thirst for reading. He is a man of
+about thirty-five years, and his whole life has been passed in poring
+over books. I regard him as a man of very rare intelligence, though his
+intellect is not, perhaps, very fruitful of original thoughts. What is
+remarkable with him is his personal appearance. He is a little man, just
+large enough to be entitled to enter the army--that is to say,
+'five-foot-four.' His body is very small, and his head very large,
+round, and full. His hair is of a sandy color, and of the scratch wig
+order of cut. His eyes are small, and one of them squints frightfully.
+His complexion is quite pale. In the matter of dress, he wears usually a
+pair of pants of a checker-board-pattern-on-a-large-scale cloth, blue
+dress-coat, ornamented with large fancy brass buttons, and a vest--a
+double-breaster--of the brightest scarlet. But these eccentricities in
+apparel would hardly attract attention so long as the main feature of
+his dress is visible. That feature is his collar. It is a remarkable
+collar--a mighty rampart of linen, which encircles his head in a line
+with the centres of his ears, almost meeting in his face. Numerous
+reasons have been assigned for Mr. Buxton's going to such lengths (or
+rather heights) in his indulgence in collar. One idea advanced is, that
+he is actuated by a desire to economize in the expenses of washing, and
+to do this, has the garments made in such a way as to be convertible
+into collars at either end. Another suggestion is, that the collar is a
+matter of utility, designed by Mr. Buxton to economize physical
+strength, which, inasmuch as his head is very large and his body very
+small, must be overtaxed to hold his ponderous brain-box erect.
+
+"Gentlemen, three days since I received a call from my friend Buxton. He
+appeared melancholy and dejected, which surprised me; but what surprised
+me more, in respect to his present appearance, was the manifest
+disarrangement of his collar. It did not stand up on one side with the
+majestic erectness which characterized it on the other. On the left it
+was hanging down flabbily; its self-sustaining power was departed.
+
+"I saw, by his countenance, that something important to him had
+occurred, and the appearance of his collar only tended to confirm my
+suspicions. I accordingly asked him what was the trouble.
+
+"'Trouble,' said he, 'enough of it. Sir,' he continued, 'last night I
+was locked up in a cell at the station-house, for exercising the
+privileges of a freeman--a native American citizen. I was arrested, and
+violently dragged off to that cell, where I remained last night, and
+this morning was tried before the magistrate, only, however, to be
+acquitted. What made it worse was, that I should be arrested with a
+nigger, and be tried with a nigger, and acquitted with a nigger. He was
+a huge nigger--a colossal nigger--a nigger fully six feet and four
+inches in height; his face betrayed no evidence of light--it was all
+shade; he was a nigger, above all others, so black, that he would make
+an excellent drum-major to a funeral procession, if custom sanctioned
+the employment of that non-commissioned official on such occasions.
+Inasmuch, however, as custom doesn't do any such thing, the next best
+use to which the sable giant could be put, would be to make his face
+the figurehead of a Broadway mourning store; with the exception of his
+large size and remarkable black face, the nigger in question looked very
+much like other niggers not in question. He was a nigger, in fact, who
+gave as his name the half-classic and half-descriptive appellation of
+Cesar Freeman. I have always been a "woolly-head" until now, but may I
+be bursted if I don't go and join the Know Nothings to-morrow, and begin
+a crusade against all niggers--particularly nigger-giants and nigger
+women.
+
+"'How did this occur?' I inquired, anxiously.
+
+"'I'll tell you,' said he. 'But before doing so however, I desire to
+state a fact. We have all our human weaknesses; indeed, it may be set
+down as a truism that human beings do have human weaknesses to a greater
+or less extent; I am a human being; I have my human weakness, and that
+weakness is my collars; it required years of experiment to bring my
+collars to their present perfection; nearly all of the quarrels I ever
+had have been with laundresses who have failed to do them up to my
+liking; if a man wishes to ruffle my temper he need only to ruffle my
+collar, and it is accomplished; tell me the Savings Bank, where I
+deposit my extra money, has collapsed in the region of the money-vault;
+tell me that I have got to attend a charity ball; give me the jumping
+toothache; place me in a Bowery stage with fourteen inside, and I in
+juxtaposition to a dirty woman with a squalling baby who has got the
+seven years' itch--all of these I can bear, but when it comes to
+interfere with my collars it is going a point too far. Now I come to the
+time when unforeseen circumstances brought me in violent collision with
+this nigger of African extraction; I was walking down the street, near
+where the belligerent demonstration took place, when I saw directly in
+front of me a long-tailed man in an amiable-appearing coat--no--an
+amiable-appearing coat in a long-tailed--no--I mean an amiable-appearing
+man in a long-tailed coat. For my life I could not conceive why that
+amiable individual's proclivities in matters of apparel should lead him
+to wear a garment of so ridiculous a cut. I had just come to the sage
+conclusion that it was because every donkey in the country chooses to
+have his hips appear high or low to suit the caprice of Broadway
+tailors, when at that moment the amiable person, together with his
+long-tailed coat, was driven from my mind. I became suddenly conscious
+that an important event had transpired. An elderly female nigger, in
+throwing water on a store-window which she was cleaning, did not confine
+her professional favors exclusively to the window for which she had
+been hired, but she disbursed copious supplies of Croton upon the
+passers-by, for which she had not been hired. In fact, I am bold to
+assert, that several persons were favored with several gratuitous
+duckings by this colored female. I was one of those persons; a bountiful
+current of water interrupted the current of my thoughts; like a juvenile
+Niagara, it dashed against my collar in the left side, as you can see.
+Now, my collar is impervious to perspiration, but it could not stand up
+under the soaking of a cataract; as my collar fell my choler rose; I
+looked around at the sable author of my troubles, and I saw on her face
+an exultant grin at what she had done. I felt as if I would like to have
+crammed a wet broom which she had in her hand down her throat, splint
+end downwards; for obvious reasons I did not do this; but I did speak to
+her in language expressive of my emphatic disapprobation of the
+unasked-for and informal baptism with which she had been pleased to
+favor me; I suppose my words must have frightened her; at any rate she
+fell off from a stool on which she was elevated; she gave a scream; this
+black Hercules came down the stairs; she informed him that I had
+insulted her; he looked at me with his teeth grinning as if he would
+like to have eaten me without gravy or condiment; he gave one diabolical
+grin, and then came at me. I am not pugnacious; a lamb-like
+inoffensiveness has ever been my prominent characteristic; I have a
+constitutional repugnance to a fight, either with weapons natural or
+artificial; if loaded fire-arms are around I never feel so safe as when
+I see the butt-ends pointed at my vital parts; though not a member of
+the Peace Society, yet that society has ever had in me an ardent
+sympathizer; peaceful though I be, yet, when the sleeping lion within me
+is aroused, I know no bounds to my rage, and I insist upon going about,
+seeking whom I may devour; I saw the belligerent attitude of my enemy;
+he struck me; we grappled; an insatiable desire to taste the flesh of a
+colored man at that instant seized upon me; in a moment the digits of
+his right hand were between my teeth; I know that for a moment or two
+hostilities were active; I became conscious, too, that hostilities
+ceased; I soon learned the cause; the cause was the arrival of two
+policemen, who are always around when they shouldn't be, and never when
+they should. I was brought to the station-house.'
+
+"'Well, what took place before the court?' I asked.
+
+"'At seven this morning,' said Buxton, 'we were brought before the
+judge, and put in a pen; on one side of me was the aforesaid nigger,
+and on the other side a disgusting piece of feminine humanity; an
+importation from Ireland, who had just come off from a bender. Our names
+were finally called, the nigger's first, by all that's holy. Two
+officers who arrested us were the witnesses; they testified that on last
+evening, about dusk, they were engaged in conversation on the corner of
+a street which forms the boundary line between their respective beats,
+when they saw a crowd collected on the sidewalk, about a square above;
+they ran there, and they saw me and the nigger engaged in a fight; they
+said that the nigger was striking me violently with his left fist; his
+right hand was between my teeth, while I was kicking and striking the
+nigger very generally and promiscuously, and a nigger woman who was
+present was laying the blows on me with a broom whenever she could; at
+that moment they arrested me and the nigger; it required all their
+strength to secure us, such was the violence of our efforts to get away;
+hence they were unable to take the woman into custody.
+
+"'The judge showed the cussed bad taste to ask the nigger to make his
+statement first. The nigger said that I had insulted his wife, and had
+made improper proposals to her; that made me wrathy; I told him that he
+was guilty of uttering a falsehood before the court; emphatically
+pronounced his assertion relative to my making an insulting proposal to
+that feminine lump of animated charcoal, with whom he very properly
+cohabited, to be an unequivocal lie; I am no controversalist, and still
+less would I descend from my exalted height to engage in a controversy
+with that herculean African, especially after enduring the perspiration,
+which, despite my frantic efforts to the contrary, I was compelled to
+suffer during a hot night, in a cell where any respectable thermometer,
+if it could be induced to go into the cell once, if it was anything at
+all, would be a hundred at least; yes, sir,' he continued, 'and should
+you ever have a morbid desire to enter into controversy, recline your
+heated form of a hot night in the cell which I occupied, and by morning
+you will insist upon retiring into some secluded spot, from which
+secluded spot you can look dispassionately and unmoved upon the moral
+strifes of the world.
+
+"'Well, the up-shot of the matter was that both of us were discharged.'
+
+"I gave Mr. Buxton what consolation I could, after which he took his
+departure to put on a new collar."
+
+When Mr. Spout had concluded his narration, he proceeded to awaken such
+of the members of the club as were still present, telling them that it
+was time to go home. But he did not succeed in fully arousing them to an
+appreciation of the lateness of the hour, until he had put ice into
+their boot-legs and shirt-bosoms.
+
+
+
+
+THE CLUB IN AN UPROAR.
+
+   Now doth the little busy bee
+     Improve each shining hour
+   And gather honey all the day
+     From every opening--
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TOWARDS nine o'clock one evening, the members of the club had casually
+convened in the club-room, although no notice had been given that they
+were to assemble on that occasion. The only absentee was Johnny Cake,
+but this created no surprise, as the wonder was, not why any member was
+absent, but why so many were present.
+
+An hour was passed in discussing the current events of the day, when
+some member suggested, that if anybody had anything to offer, either
+amusing or instructive, an excellent opportunity was now afforded.
+
+It so happened that Mr. Remington Dropper had in his pocket a quantity
+of foolscap, on which he had written a statement of certain experience,
+with which he had been favored on the previous day.
+
+A general wish was expressed that Mr. Dropper might make himself useful
+in the exigency. He consented, and after the members had lighted their
+pipes, the barkeeper had been signalized for eight whisky-punches, and
+the Higholdboy had seated himself in his chair, the meeting was declared
+to be duly organized.
+
+Mr. Dropper commenced:
+
+"Yesterday," said he, "I had the pleasure of seeing our favorite
+quadruped as he appeared on Broadway, from an omnibus, whilst on a
+voyage from the South Ferry to Union Square. At half-past two o'clock I
+went over the ferry to Hamilton Avenue, Brooklyn. Having transacted my
+business, set out on my return, jumped aboard the ferry-boat and was
+soon on the New York side; stepped outside the gate, when I was beset by
+two dozen different omnibus agents, and as many different drivers. 'Here
+y'ar, right up Broadway.' 'Wide awake, 'ere Bower' un' Gran' street.'
+'Right up Broadway, Sixth Avenue.' 'Here's Broad'ay, Bleeck' street, un'
+Eigh thavenue.' 'Here y'ar Bowery un' Ouston street.'
+
+"'I want to go to Greenwich Avenue,' said a timid old gentleman.
+
+"'Here y'ar,' said the agent, as he took the old gentleman by the seat
+of his pantaloons, and threw him head first into an East Broadway stage.
+
+"The old gentleman, as soon as he could recover from his astonishment,
+looked out of the window at the agent.
+
+"'Sir,' said he, 'does this stage carry me to Greenwich Avenue?'
+
+"'Certing,' was the prompt reply, 'you'll get there, never fear. Here's
+Eas' Broadway un' Dry Dock.'
+
+"'Where do you want to go madam?' asked the Ninth Avenue stage-agent of
+a lady accompanied by a little boy.
+
+"'To the Crystal Palace,' said the lady.
+
+"'Here y'ar then,' said he, as he placed her in the stage which probably
+stopped fully three quarters of a mile from the place.
+
+"At last, all the persons desiring to ride had secured seats in stages,
+but whether _the_ stages they desired is quite doubtful. I jumped in a
+Broadway and Fourteenth street stage, the agent gave the door two slams,
+and off we started. The passengers were an old maid with a poodle dog, a
+young miss who had just put on a long dress, a German, an old buffer
+who occupied space for two, and myself. Suddenly we stopped in Whitehall
+street, on our larboard side we find ourselves caught against a Sixth
+Avenue stage coming down, and our starboard quarter caught against the
+hubs of a cart. Carman apologetic--Sixth Avenue stage-driver affable.
+Passengers frightened. Maiden lady with poodle dog exclaimed, 'Oh, dear
+me!' Poodle dog barked. Fat gentleman thought that stage-drivers
+now-a-days were growing too careless. Got under way. Sighted Bowling
+Green off our port bow. Female from Ireland with native infant hailed
+the vehicle. Driver stopped. Female from Ireland tumbled up the steps.
+Driver slammed the door, which struck the female from Ireland a severe
+blow in the rear. Result, female from Ireland lying prostrate on the
+floor, and native infant lying around loose on the person of the old
+maid, in the particular premises claimed by the poodle dog. Poodle dog
+barked and snapped at native infant; native infant cried. Old maid
+scolds female from Ireland. Female from Ireland takes up native infant,
+and anathematizes poodle dog. Fat gentleman suggests that it's all the
+result of the recklessness of the driver. Old lady and female from
+Ireland pacified. German female, with a basket of dirty clothes, seeks
+admittance. Driver accommodating. Enter German female, and exit myself.
+Take my position on top with the driver. Band of music heard in the
+direction of Wall street. Target company turn into Broadway. Inebriated
+negro carrying a target, on which is inscribed, 'Michael Flinn Guard,
+Capt. Pat. Sweeny.' Horse attached to a buggy coming down Broadway,
+unused to military demonstrations--unaccustomed to the noises of sixteen
+German gentlemen, making frantic efforts to blow their brains out
+through brass horns. Horse rears and plunges into the rank and file of
+the Michael Flinn Guard. Consternation of the infantry at an unexpected
+attack from the cavalry. Cavalry triumphant. Michael Flinn Guard
+commence throwing stones at individual in the buggy. Individual drives
+off. Plethoric German scrapes himself up, and finds the starch entirely
+taken out of his ophicleide. German with light moustache has lost the
+mouth-piece of his E flat saxe horn; Michael Flinn Guards endeavoring to
+find their arms. Irish corporal unable to discover his bayonet. First
+lieutenant finds his sword run through the tenor drum. Ambitious private
+finds the pewter cake-basket he won as a prize, with the butt end of a
+musket through it. Guns in several instances in fragments; swords
+broken; brass horns disjointed, and, as a consequence, music _non est_.
+By general consent, Michael Flinn Guards break ranks and disperse. Lady
+with hoop skirts hails the driver. Driver again obliging. Enter hoop
+skirts. Gentleman with a baby-wagon hails driver. 'Whoa-'p.' Astonishing
+driver. Gentleman lifts up the baby-wagon on the top. Driver receives
+it, and gently smashes it in pieces. Gentleman gets inside. Dropsical
+individual on the starboard quarter hails us. The gentleman enters, and
+again we are under way. Teutonic target company turn into Broadway from
+Courtlandt street--'The Lager Bier Invincibles, Capt Conrad Kuenzmueller.'
+Suddenly find ourselves smashed up amid a perfect labyrinth of carts,
+stages, buggies, wagons, horses, mules, cotton bales, boxes, furniture,
+drivers, policemen, passengers, pedestrians, &c. A wagonload of dirt on
+our port side--wagon-driver unsophisticated; unused to driving in New
+York. In advance a cart having two bales of hay on board. Our horses,
+having nothing else to do, make efforts to get at the hay. Our driver
+again accommodating. He gets down and unchecks the horses. Horses
+proceed to make inroads upon property not belonging to the omnibus
+company. Carman discovers the larceny. Indignant carman. Hits our horses
+over the head with the butt end of his whip. Reciprocal indignation.
+Our driver gives carman a cut across his proboscis with a long lash.
+
+"Our progress continues.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Fat gentleman impatient. Reasserts his previously-expressed conviction,
+that the stage is an imposition: says he'll get out. Driver insists on
+payment. Fat gentleman passes up a quarter. Driver passes him back a
+ten-cent piece and eight cents. Fat gentleman insists that he is
+swindled to the extent of one cent, which he demands. Driver very
+obliging, and 'don't he wish he may get it.' Fat gentleman gets out, but
+finds himself completely surrounded by vehicles, and without a
+possibility of being able to reach the curb-stone in safety, concludes
+to enter the stage again. Driver refuses to open the door. Fat gentleman
+demands to be admitted. Driver says he'll see him blowed first. Fat
+gentleman frantic, but driver incorrigible. At last fat gentleman gets
+on his hands and knees, and, after crawling under a team of horses and
+the tails of two carts, reaches the sidewalk. Again moving. Irish
+female with native infant pulls the strap. Driver accommodating. Female
+inquires if this is a Bowery stage. Driver says no. Female insists upon
+getting out. Driver insists, with equal warmth, that, as a prior
+condition, she must disgorge a sixpence. Female indisposed to comply.
+Old maid with the poodle dog gives the strap three convulsive jerks.
+'Whoa-'p.' Old maid says that native infant, belonging to female from
+Ireland, has the ship fever. Female from Ireland indignantly denies the
+statement, and says that it is _only_ the itch. Old maid swoons. Poodle
+dog barks at all the passengers generally, and the female from Ireland
+particularly. Dropsical gentleman puts some smelling-salts under the
+nose of old maid. Happy result. Old maid revives, and asks if anybody
+beside herself was injured by the explosion. Sight Fulton street off our
+starboard bow. Enter Fifth Avenue and Amity street stages, R. 1st
+Entrance. Exit Irish porter with a load of band-boxes, L. 1st Entrance,
+in time to save his bacon and band-boxes. New feature coming up Fulton
+street from the East River--'The Sour Krout Guards, Captain Wilhelm
+Stein,' in return from target excursion. Still another feature coming up
+Fulton street from North River--'The Patrick Gaffney Grenadiers, Captain
+Timothy Leahey,' on a return from target excursion. Two companies
+approach one another. Menacing looks on the part of the Sour Krout
+Guards. Bellicose attitude of the Gaffney Grenadiers. Belligerent
+manifestation of the Sour Krouts; corporal of the Gaffneys throws a
+brick at the Sour Krouts. Sour Krouts boiling over with indignation,
+make a demonstration. Both companies unused to the management of
+firelocks, but accustomed to war and carnage. They lay down their arms
+and take up their fists. General, promiscuous, and miscellaneous
+shoulder-hitting by the strength of both companies. Enter third party.
+Mad bull rushes down Broadway and pitches into the hottest of the fight,
+with horns down and tail up. Sour Krouts and Gaffneys in consternation
+fly from the scene of the struggle in all directions. Mad bull makes a
+descent into a mock auction shop. Stool pigeons and auctioneer all
+knocked down without a bidder. Sudden fall in pinchbeck watches. Bull
+stands for a moment in a contemplative mood over the devastation, and
+then walks away with a dignified air. Barnum's in sight. Lady and three
+children get inside. Female from Ireland with native infant concludes to
+pay the sixpence and get out. Astor House in the usual place. Barclay
+street in the distance. By way of variety, a company turn into
+Broadway, 'The Tugmutton Terribles, Captain Frightful Buster,' in a
+return from a target excursion at Hoboken. The captain elevated,
+lieutenants inebriated, privates intoxicated, the nigger target-bearer
+drunk--effect of having eaten too many ham sandwiches. Stage again
+immobile. Two Hoosiers get inside, and ask the driver to stop at the St.
+Nicholas Tavern. Funeral procession coming down Broadway. Forty-nine
+carriages. Learned that the remains of Dennis Hooligan, the keeper of a
+corner grocery in Hammersley street, were being conveyed to their last
+resting-place. Just as the hearse reaches Anthony street a ponderous
+cart crosses Broadway. Wheels fifteen feet in diameter. Steamboat boiler
+suspended under the axletree. Majestic vehicle fetches up all standing
+against a cart loaded with flour. Fall in breadstuffs. Prodigal
+distribution of flour. Hearse and funeral procession in close proximity.
+
+"Vehicles accumulate. Great commotion among drivers. Procession mixed up
+in an indiscriminate verbal war. At last hearse manages to go down
+towards the Five Points. The procession succeeds in getting out by
+turning in the other direction, except the rear portion, which, to my
+knowledge, never got out. Once more under way, and making good time.
+Man with a gold-headed cane stops the stage, and passes up a five-cent
+piece. Driver swears, and advises him to ride in the cars hereafter.
+Driver suggests that he is full ten minutes behind time, and is bound to
+make it up. Lays on the lash, much to the surprise of the animals.
+Driver pulls up in front of the St. Nicholas Hotel, and announces the
+spot through the money-hole. Nobody essays to pass up any fare. Driver
+repeats the announcement. Nobody moves. Driver inquires, impatiently, if
+there ain't 'two fellers inside wot wanted to git out at the St.
+Nicholas Hotel.' Still no reply. Again the inquiry. One of the Hoosiers
+said he asked him to 'stop at the St. Nicholas tarvern, 'cause why,
+'cause he wanted to see it. He'd seen it enough; it was a purty nice
+tarvern, he reckoned, and he might drive on.' Driver gave the horses an
+extra cut, and we move again. Asthmatic party pulls the strap. After
+feeling in all of his pockets for two minutes, informs the driver that
+he left his _porte-monnaie_ in his other pantaloons. Driver says the
+story won't go down--that the game is too old. Party tries to make his
+exit, but the door won't open, the driver holding hard on the strap.
+Asthmatic party threatens to horsewhip driver. Driver says, 'any time
+when conwenyent he hoped he'll make the trial.' Driver about to start,
+when asthmatic party pulls out his jack-knife and cuts the strap.
+Asthmatic party triumphs. Driver, frantic with rage, throws an apple at
+asthmatic party, and hits asthmatic party on his knowledge-box.
+Asthmatic party falls, and upsets an apple-stand. Celtic female, the
+proprietor of the apple-stand, hits asthmatic party with a brick. Both
+parties close in, and fight amid the ruins of the apple-stand. Driver
+starts the horses, but looks around to watch the fight. Horses sheer off
+to the starboard, and the hub of the hind wheel breaks down a lamp-post.
+Driver observes policeman approaching at a rapid speed. No time to
+survey the ruins, so he applies the lash, and we move away from the
+scene of the mishap at a speed ominous of swift destruction to
+horse-shoes and wagon-tires. Female, with three children, calls out to
+stop, and passes up a three-dollar bill. Driver inquires if she hasn't
+got any change. Female gives a negative response. Driver gives change in
+small pieces, retaining as fare the moderate sum of seventy-five cents
+for a woman and three children. Woman attempts to count the change.
+Driver sings out to 'Hurry up--behind time--can't wait all day.' Female
+bewildered, leaves with her children, and driver whips up the horses,
+remarking that he 'guesses she'll learn, after a while, not to pass up
+bills for stage-fare.' Soon reach Union Square. Tell the driver I'll get
+off. Offer him a sixpence. Driver says, 'he'll not take a cent; that if
+there ever was a nout-'n'-outer, I'm one, and he hopes that it won't be
+the last time we'll meet; and if he only had time, he wouldn't let me
+off without treatin' me.' I thanked him for his good opinion, shook
+hands, and jumped off the box.
+
+"Thus, gentlemen," concluded Mr. Dropper, "ends the history of my voyage
+on an omnibus."
+
+Mr. Quackenbush arose, and stated that he regarded Mr. Dropper's paper
+as a valuable addition to the historical writings of the country. He
+therefore moved that a gold medal be prepared by a committee of the
+club, of which the Higholdboy should not be an _ex-officio_ member, for
+presentation to Mr. Dropper. Mr. Dropper to pay the whole expense of
+procuring the same, and to stand a champagne supper for the honor
+conferred on him.
+
+The motion was carried with only one dissenting voice--that of Mr.
+Dropper, who said he didn't want any such expensive and equivocal
+honors.
+
+The presiding officer informed Mr. Dropper that he was fined three cents
+for contempt of club.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Over an hour was now passed in a state of inactivity. Some of the
+members slept and some didn't. As a means of inducing excitement of some
+kind, a member signalized the institution on the first floor for pork
+and beans for the entire crowd. This was promptly answered, and for a
+time the club had enough to engage its attention. After the aforesaid
+luxuries had been duly disposed of, the members proceeded to take seats,
+lie on the floor, prop themselves against the wall, and hang themselves
+up on a peg, as best suited their independent fancies. The presiding
+officer announced that the rules on this occasion would be enforced
+strictly. Accordingly, each individual present began to do exactly what
+pleased him, without any regard to the comfort, convenience, or personal
+predilections of anybody else. The Higholdboy first secured the left
+boot of every member present. After pulling a boot on each leg of the
+table, he put one on each of his hands, like a gauntlet, and then laid
+the seventh on the table. The object of Mr. Spout, in pursuing this
+eccentric course of conduct, soon became apparent, when he laid himself
+on the table, using the aforesaid solitary boot as a pillow, it being
+manifest that he desired to preclude the possibility of an adjournment
+during the nap, and inasmuch as it would be found inconvenient for the
+members to leave the premises with but a single pedal covering, and as
+it would be impossible for a member to secure the other, without
+awakening the most venerable and exceedingly somnolent Higholdboy, it
+will be apparent to the credulous reader that Mr. Spout's idea was quite
+ingenious.
+
+Under these circumstances, each member determined to make himself as
+comfortable as the time, the place, and the conveniences would admit of.
+
+Mr. Boggs was lying flat on his back, trying to drink a hot whisky-punch
+without breaking the tumbler, spilling the liquor, or getting the sugar
+inside his whiskers. Mr. Overdale was learning "juggling without a
+master," and was endeavoring to spin plates on his whalebone cane. In
+striving to acquire this elegant accomplishment, he had broken all the
+dishes in the premises. As he varied his plate-spinning endeavors with
+repeated trials at tossing the cups and balls, for which purpose he used
+the tumblers and coffee-cups, and as, whenever he caught one cup, he
+dropped two, and stepped on the fragments, the work of demolition went
+bravely on.
+
+Mr. Van Dam amused himself by blacking the faces of all the pictures in
+the room with charcoal. Dennis employed himself for an hour and a half
+in whittling off with a jack-knife one leg of every chair in the
+apartment, so as to make it four inches shorter than the rest. Wagstaff
+collected all the books he could find, and piled them into a shaky
+pyramid, which he was preparing to push over with a broomstick upon the
+head of the unconscious Higholdboy.
+
+Quackenbush had not been idle; taking advantage of the drowsiness of his
+superior officer, he had sewed the bottoms of that gentleman's
+pantaloons together with a waxed end, after which he made a moustache on
+himself with burned cork, and then painted the left side of his face in
+three-cornered patches like a sleepy harlequin, dyed his shirt-collar
+scarlet with red ink, and went to sleep in the corner to await the
+result, having first tripped up Mr. Overdale, who, by way of a new
+variation in his juggling performances, was now trying to balance the
+poker on his nose, while he held a rocking-chair in one hand and a
+hat-box full of oyster shells in the other. Dropper had a checker-board
+before him, and was superintending a game between his right and left
+hand.
+
+But suddenly, those of the Elephants who were in their waking senses,
+became sensible of a noise outside. It begun at the foot of the stairs,
+like the sound of a regiment of crazy Boston watchmen, all springing
+their rattles at once. The noise became louder, and seemed to be coming
+up the stairs, and now rivalled in sound a mail-train on a race. Now the
+uproar became more distinct, and evidently proceeded from some person or
+persons outside, who were provided with some ingenious facilities for
+kicking up a row, with which ordinary roisterers are unacquainted. These
+persons now began a furious attack upon the "outer walls." Mr. Overdale
+paused in his plate-breaking occupation, long enough to pour out a few
+emphatic sentences, addressed to the individuals outside, in which he
+consigned them to a locality too hot for a powder-mill, and then resumed
+his practice.
+
+As the door began to shake, Overdale laid down the poker, smashed what
+few large pieces of plates were left over the head of the recumbent
+Quackenbush, awoke the Higholdboy by rolling him off the table, aroused
+the rest of the party by a few kicks in the ribs, and then, undoing the
+fastenings of the door, was proceeding to expostulate with the
+disturbers. No sooner, however, had he opened the door, than a rush was
+made by the invaders, and Mr. Dropper upset by the besieging party. Mr.
+Dropper fell upon the stomach of the half-awakened Quackenbush, they
+both pitched into Mr. Boggs, and then all three rolled over the
+Higholdboy. This last-named personage, having the bottoms of his
+pantaloons sewed together, could not arise until the friendly jack-knife
+unfettered his lengthy legs. All parties being restored to the
+perpendicular, an immediate inquiry was made into the cause of the
+disturbance.
+
+Then it was discovered that the person who had kicked up this diabolical
+bobbery was no less a personage than the heretofore discreet and
+temperate Johnny Cake, aided and abetted by an individual unknown to the
+rest of the company, but whose appearance bespoke him to be one of the
+boys, who, although not an "Elephant," presented at first sight
+distinguished claims to be honored with that enviable distinction.
+
+Yes, Johnny Cake, the man who would never be persuaded to taste a glass
+of liquor of any kind, who had always endeavored to keep his companions
+from spirituous imbibition; the virtuous cold-waterite, whom the sight
+of a glass of brandy would give a cold chill, a whisky-punch throw into
+spasms, or a mug of "lager" give a teetotal convulsion, stood now
+before the astounded Elephantine brotherhood drunk, plainly, undeniably,
+unequivocally _drunk_.
+
+He had a black eye, and a swelled nose. His coat was on hind side
+before, and buttoned between his shoulders, while his pantaloons were
+entirely bereft of buttons, and were secured from parting company only
+by two pieces of telegraph-wire which, with commendable ingenuity, he
+had converted into extemporaneous metallic suspenders. His companion was
+in a singular state of derangement as to his personal attire, having no
+coat at all, and a red shirt over his nether continuations.
+
+As soon as the first expression of surprise was over, the Higholdboy,
+comprehending that something unusual had taken place, ordered the
+company to be seated. In obedience to this peremptory order from the
+most noble officer of the club, the Elephantines each took a seat, but
+as the inglorious young man before-mentioned had made the chairs
+exceedingly treacherous and insecure, by cutting off one leg of each,
+the immediate consequence of the attempt was another general
+sprawlification upon the floor, executed in a masterly manner by the
+entire strength of the company. After five minutes of vigorous polyglot
+profanity had somewhat relieved the feelings of the fallen
+Elephantines, and they had recovered their feet, they contrived to sit
+down; the chairs were as treacherous as ever, but being forewarned, the
+members were forearmed, and by dint of many exertions, contrived to
+maintain their seats with a tolerable show of dignity.
+
+Johnny Cake was too far gone to make any intelligible replies, or give
+any account of himself, and it was resolved to postpone his examination
+until he should get sober. His companion, however, who seemed to be
+something in the theatrical way, gave his own story in his own peculiar
+manner, but refused to enlighten the anxious brotherhood about poor
+Johnny.
+
+He possessed a facility of quotation equal to Richard Swiveller, Esq.'s,
+but he was as reckless about the exactitude of his extracts, and jumbled
+up his authorities with as much confusion as Captain Cuttle himself. He
+seldom gave a quotation right, but would break off in the middle and
+substitute some words of his own, or dovetail an irrelevant piece from
+some strange author, or mix up half-a dozen authors with interpolations
+of his own, in an inextricable verbal jumble.
+
+The Higholdboy and the stranger held the following conversation:
+
+"What's your name?"
+
+"Peter Knight; am a native to the marrow-bone.--That's Shakspeare."
+
+"Young man, strange young man, young man to me unknown; young man of the
+peculiar hat and ruby shirt, I fear to adapt my conversation to your
+evident situation; that you're drunk, emphatically drunk, I repeat it,
+drunk--drunk was my remark--D--Runk, drunk."
+
+"It's true, 'tis pity; pity 'tis there isn't the devil a doubt of
+it.--That's Scott."
+
+"Where did you get your liquor?"
+
+"Where the bee sucks, there sucks Peter Knight all day. Thou base,
+inglorious slave, think'st thou I will reveal the noble name of him who
+gave me wine? No, sir-ee, Bob.--That's Beaumont and Fletcher."
+
+"Ante up or leave the board; that is to say fire away, let us know, we
+won't tell. Although we never drink, we like to know where drink we
+might get, in case of cholera, or colic."
+
+"I do remember an apothecary and here-abouts he dwells; no he don't, he
+lives over in the Bowery--but in his needy shop a cod-fish hangs, and on
+his shelves a beggarly account of empty bottles; noting this penury to
+myself, I said, if any man did need a brandy-punch, whose sale is fifty
+dollars fine in Gotham, here lives a caitiff wretch who has probably
+got plenty of it under the counter. Why should I here conceal my fault?
+Wine ho! I cried. The call was answered. I have no wine, said he, but
+plenty of whis--. Silence! thou pernicious caitiff, quoth I; thou
+invisible spirit of wine, since we can get thee by no other name, why
+let us call thee gin and sugar. He brought the juice of cursed juniper
+in a phial, and in the porches of my throat did pour Udolpho Wolfe's
+distilment. Thus was I by a Dutchman's hand at once dispatched--not
+drunk or sober--sent into the dirty streets three-quarters tight, with
+all my imperfections on my head. The fellow's name? My very soul rebels.
+But whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the cuffs and bruises of
+this bloody Dutchman or to take arms against his red-haired highness,
+and by informing end him? I go and it is done. Villain, here's at thy
+heart! His name, your Honor, is Bobblesnoffkin in the Bowery. That's
+Shakspeare mixed."
+
+"Young man, whose shirt has escaped from all control, and now hangs
+loose, the posterior section of which has also sustained a serious, and,
+I fear, irremediable fracture, I have another question to propound;
+answer upon your life. Have you got a home?"
+
+"My home is on the deep, deep sea.--That's Plutarch's Lives."
+
+"How do you get your living?"
+
+"Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt
+truth to be a liar, but never doubt that I'll get a living while the
+oyster-sloops don't have but one watchman.--That's Billy S. again."
+
+"Do you pay for your oysters?"
+
+"Base is the slave that pays; the speed of thought is in my
+limbs.--That's Byron."
+
+"Do you steal them and then run away?"
+
+"I've told thee all, I'll tell no more, though short the story be; let
+me go back where I was before and I'll get my living without troubling
+the corporation. That's Tom Moore, altered to suit circumstances."
+
+"You ought to dispense with the brandy and gin."
+
+"Oh, I could be happy with either, were 'tother dear charmer bottled up
+and the cork put in.--That's Dibdin with a vengeance."
+
+"Young man, I fear you've led our young friend, whom you now see asleep
+amongst the broken crockery, from the paths of sobriety. What do you
+suppose will become of you if you go on in this way?"
+
+"Alas, poor Yorick!--Peter, I mean. Who knows where he will lay his
+bones? Few and short will the prayers be said, and nobody'll feel any
+sorrow: but they'll cram him into his clay-cold bed, and bury somebody
+else on the top of him to-morrow; the minister will come, put on his
+robe and read the service; the choir'll sing a hymn; earth to earth and
+dust to gravel, and that'll be the last of Peter Knight."
+
+The Higholdboy consulting with those members of the club who were still
+awake, it was resolved forthwith to put Peter Knight down stairs. As he
+went he remarked:
+
+"Fare thee well, and if for ever, all the better.--That's Byron, revised
+and corrected."
+
+Johnny Cake was manifestly too far gone to think of taking him to a
+hotel to sleep, and under these circumstances the club resolved itself
+into a committee of the whole, to remain in sleepy session all night, to
+take care of their prostrate fellow-member, Mr. Johnny Cake.
+
+
+
+
+JOHNNY CAKE'S FIRST SPREE.
+
+Whatever is, is.
+
+WRIGHT.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IN the last chapter of this veritable history is related the unexpected
+and unusually thorough inebriation of Mr. John I. Cake, from the verdant
+prairies of Illinois. The alcoholically-saturated condition of Johnny's
+corporosity, on the occasion herein-before-mentioned, surprised the
+thirsty brotherhood far more than would a similar state of facts in
+which any other one of the fraternity should have been implicated,
+because as Johnny had always perched himself upon the aqueous pinnacle
+of misanthropic teetotalism, it was not reasonable to suppose that he
+should, by one single dive, precipitate himself at once to the lowest
+depth of inebriation--for his profession's sake, he should have come
+down easier.
+
+As his new-made friends had taken his moral culture under their especial
+guardianship, he was duly required, the next evening, to give, for the
+instruction and edification of the club, a full account of his night's
+experience.
+
+Having first premised that he only complied with this desire in
+obedience to that imperative rule of the club, to which he had solemnly,
+affixed his name, which, in the most awful language, pledges every
+member who takes that terrible obligation to do exactly as he pleases,
+unless his own pleasure shall influence him otherwise, or unless, upon
+mature consideration, he shall decide that he had rather do something
+else, he proceeded to enlighten the anxious Elephantine expectants.
+
+"When I left you yesterday," said he, "I had no more idea that I should
+so far overstep the bounds of my customary propriety, and make my next
+appearance before you in a state of alcoholic disguise, than I have at
+this present moment that the setting sun will see me under arrest for
+picking somebody's pocket of a steam saw-mill. Strolling about yesterday
+for some time, I became tired of the monotonous hurry of Broadway, and
+eventually strayed into that delightful rural locality which you call, I
+think, the Bowery.
+
+"On the corner of this avenue of the rustic cognomen and Broome street,
+there is a place of refreshment for the weary. I entered its open doors,
+and sat down in a little three-sided closet, determined to procure the
+wherewithal to refresh the inner individual. Obedient to my upraised
+finger, a person came. This person had on a small white apron; this
+person also flourished in his dexter-digits a napkin of questionable
+purity; this person wore slippers, and had a voice like an asthmatic
+bull-frog; this person was a city waiter--a male waiter--a degeneration
+of the genus homo, which I sincerely hope will, at no very distant day,
+become utterly extinct. He procured for me the viands which my
+capricious taste selected from the suggestive printed list of edibles
+there to be obtained. While engaged in consigning to a living grave the
+bivalves he had brought, I had a fair opportunity to observe some, to
+me, remarkable gymnastics then in course of accomplishment by an active
+young man who presided at the bar, and held dominion over the bottles.
+First pouring into a tumbler some liquid, to me unknown, diluting it
+with water, adding ice, sugar, lemon, and other ingredients with which I
+am unacquainted, he proceeded to throw the compound about in the most
+unheard-of manner, from one tumbler to another, over his head, under his
+leg, round his neck, over one arm and under the other, without ever
+spilling a drop. First uplifting one hand high in air, he poured the
+mixture in a sparkling cascade from the glass in the right hand, to that
+in the left; then he threw it in a sparkling shower in the air, till the
+lumps of ice rattled on the ceiling; then he dispersed it in a misty
+spray about his head and recovered it all in his magic glass, by some
+diabolic dexterity, without losing the fraction of a drop; then, in one
+grand, final effort, he tossed it round the beer-pump, down one side,
+and up the other, and over the chandelier, changing a two-dollar bill
+while it was in the air, and giving his customer his drink with one
+hand, and with the other his silver change, intermixed with twenty per
+cent. of pewter dimes, which the thirsty buyer invariably pocketed
+before he could recover from his astonishment.
+
+"I finished my dinner, and was anxious to see the little man perform
+again. I approached the little man, and desired him to concoct me a
+lemonade. He inquired if I wanted a 'fly' in it. As the flying part was
+what I most desired, I answered yes. The little man went through the
+motions. I sent the lemonade to its destination, noticing at the time
+something remarkably nectarean in the taste. As I supposed the
+evolutions which it had accomplished in mid-air had imparted to it an
+unusual flavor, and as I wanted to see the performance again, I
+immediately subscribed for one more of the same sort. Again the question
+about the fly--again an affirmative, with a remark that the bigger the
+fly, the better I should be pleased, supposing that thereby he would,
+for my satisfaction, make it fly through some new motions. I am
+satisfied that this time the fly _was_ larger than on the former
+occasion. I was still unsatisfied; another subscription, and another
+lemonade, but this time the entomological interrogation was not
+propounded--he took the fly for granted, and he was right. About this
+time the person who came home with me last night made his appearance. I
+shook hands with him at once, for I thought I recognized him. I imagined
+that he was a man who, seven years ago, licked me with a rawhide for
+stealing his pippins and setting fire to his sugar-bush, and I was
+anxious to shake hands for old acquaintance sake. I beg now, however, to
+state that I am satisfied this impression was erroneous, for I have this
+morning a distinct recollection that the individual of pomological
+memory removed to Kansas, where he was first lynched for stealing a
+horse, and afterward chosen county treasurer and inspector of election.
+However, be that as it may, certain it is, that, at that particular
+moment, thinking I had fallen in with an old friend, I invited him to
+drink with me. He accepted, and presently he proposed punch, and made a
+remark about cobbler. Punch I had heard mentioned as the prince of good
+fellows, and I was anxious to make his acquaintance. Cobbler I had only
+heard of as a man of lapstones and leather aprons, and I did not
+particularly desire to know him. On receiving an introduction to Punch,
+I was amazed to find that he was not an individual but a drink--a
+luscious combination of fragrant ingredients. Although I was mistaken in
+the identity, I was pleased with him, and it may not be superfluous to
+remark that the more I saw of him, the more I wanted to see, and the
+more I did see. About this time I had _two_ friends; there were _two_
+active little men behind the bar, each throwing from double-barrelled
+tumblers two streams of lemonade over his head, each with two flies in.
+There were two beer-pumps, each with two dozen handles, and the number
+of bottles and decanters was beyond computation. The floor rose up and
+down in wooden billows, and knocked my hat off. I attempted to
+remonstrate with floor, but at this juncture the floor clinched me; we
+had a long wrestle, and finally went down--floor on top. By a convulsive
+exertion I 'turned' the floor, got it under, and stood on it to keep it
+down; had some compunctions about striking a fallen enemy, but passion
+got the better of me, and I tried to kick the floor; floor kicked back,
+and threw sand-dust in my eyes; got away; wanted to get out doors, but
+the room had changed about so, that the door was over my head, and the
+bar, with the active little men, was nearly under my feet; was afraid I
+should walk over the little men, and break the bottles; stepped very
+carefully so as to avoid any such accident, and put my foot in the
+stove. Peter rescued me from the devouring element, and got me out of
+doors.
+
+"Peter said he would see me home, and asked me where I lived; told him I
+was an elephant; made him understand that I could _show_ him the place
+where I hung out, even if I couldn't tell him--so we started.
+
+"We must have come through Chatham street, for I can remember seeing
+some one with a hammer, selling clothing. I know I wanted to go in and
+make some purchases. The ruling idea in my mind, at that moment, was,
+that the grey mare wanted a winter overcoat, the oxen a pair of striped
+pantaloons apiece, that the sow, and each of her tender offspring, ought
+to have a red jacket and a pair of spectacles, and that it was a matter
+of necessity and charity to purchase seven dozen hickory shirts to keep
+the blue jays away from the apple-trees. I went in, and commenced
+bidding. I know I was not particular about prices, and that any
+opposition provoked me exceedingly--so much so that I bid twenty-three
+dollars for a second-hand pocket-handkerchief, because, when the
+auctioneer started it at ten cents, and I offered fifteen, a hook-nosed
+Jew bid three cents over me. Auction over at last; man with the hammer
+wanted me to pay up--found that I had bought three quarters of his
+stock, and hadn't money enough to settle the bill. I know I gave him all
+I had, and also my coat and neckerchief to make up the balance. I also
+have a distinct recollection of calling him a Hebrew robber, upon which
+he knocked me in the eye with his hammer, and followed up this
+declaration of hostilities by splitting my nose with a yard-stick. We
+got out of doors, and proceeded down town. On the corner of Chambers
+street the Third Avenue Railroad squared off, and knocked me down. Peter
+held me steady, while I rebuked the offender in proper terms. The Third
+Avenue Railroad took off its hat and apologized. I forgave it.
+
+"We went into a cellar; got in by a complicated dive. I sat down at
+first on the piano, next on a pile of oyster-shells, and, finally, by
+the aid of a huge pair of whiskers, with a little Dutchman behind them,
+deposited myself in a chair--on top of Peter. Peter got out after a
+prolonged struggle; place very hirsute; big beards on everybody; ten
+parts of hair to one part Dutchman. My vision may have been slightly
+deranged, but I am certain that one diminutive German had two pairs of
+whiskers--a moustache just over his eyes, and a four-foot yellow beard
+which sprung from his teeth. We drank lager bier.
+
+"Peter quoted Shakspeare when the man said "pay up," and insisted on
+singing an English chorus to a Dutch song; company indignant, Peter
+very valiant, but too few in number. Peter fought, Peter kicked, Peter
+swore, Peter was overpowered, Peter was elevated in the arms of four
+stout Dutchmen above the heads of the company. Exit Peter, through the
+window. In leaving the room myself, I, too, received some uncalled-for
+aid, but finally rejoined Peter on the sidewalk above.
+
+"I spied the mystic light which told me the Elephantine resort was close
+at hand--couldn't fetch it--asked M.P.--he said if we'd tell him the
+address he'd show us--tried to recollect it--couldn't exactly make it
+out, but said at a venture, corner of Maiden Lane and Canal
+street--officer indignant--we finally found the place, tried to come up
+still so as to surprise you, but I am willing to admit that attempt to
+be a partial failure; we reached the door at last; it wouldn't
+open--Peter called it Sebastopol, and proposed that we should storm
+it--we resolved ourselves into an attacking party of two, called to our
+aid a twelve-feet plank as a battering-ram, and by hard blows persuaded
+the door to yield--that broken panel is a forcible example of the power
+of moral suasion.
+
+"When I remark that, judging from my present sensations, I should
+imagine a six-horse-power threshing-machine to be in the height of
+successful operation in my head, immediately over my eyes, there are
+perhaps some sympathizing persons in the room, who have experienced the
+same delicious sensation, and can therefore 'phancy my pheelinks.'"
+
+The members of the club expressed themselves eminently satisfied with
+Mr. Cake's statement of his experience, and the Higholdboy requested
+that Mr. Cake should inscribe in the records the said experience, in
+order that it might not be lost to future generations. Mr. Cake promised
+to do so.
+
+Mr. Spout, being seized with a fit of liberality, ordered punches for
+the company, and two of the same kind for Johnny Cake, which Johnny
+indignantly refused, saying that, if before his recent experience in
+wholesale dissipation, he had disliked alcoholic beverages, such were
+his feelings now, that the dislike amounted to an abhorrence. Mr. Spout
+said it was all right, as in such case he should drink them all himself.
+
+Mr. Dropper remarked that some two or three years previously, when he
+first arrived from Cincinnati, and before he had became fully posted up
+in the various phases of unwhipped rascality in New York, he had, on one
+occasion, owing to his ignorance, got into the station-house.
+
+A general sentiment as expressed was, that Mr. Dropper should state the
+history of the circumstance, or be immediately expelled from the club,
+and kicked down stairs, minus his coat, hat, and boots.
+
+Mr. Dropper said that he found it impossible to resist the gentle
+persuasions of his companions.
+
+"Fellow quadrupeds," said he, "soon after my arrival in this mass
+meeting of bricks and mortar, I read in a morning paper the announcement
+of an extraordinary gift enterprise, which some benevolent and
+philanthropic individual had set on foot, with the view of making
+everybody, in general, and himself, in particular, rich. I thought of
+the subject for several days. The idea of securing a farm of three
+hundred acres in New Jersey, all in first-rate condition, with houses,
+barns, and fences ready-made, at the moderate cost of a dollar, was
+rather agreeable than otherwise, and the more I reflected upon the
+matter, the more I became satisfied that such a bargain was a
+consummation most devoutly to be wished for. One night I went to bed
+thinking of the farm. Finally I fell asleep, and
+
+   'Sleeping I dreamed, love,
+   Dreamed love of'----
+
+seeing six cats, each with two tails, and each tail eight feet long,
+and afterwards a seventh cat with a bob-tail. When I awoke in the
+morning, I attempted to interpret my dream, and I readily found a
+meaning. I put the figures together in the order above--that is to say,
+six cats, two tails, eight feet long, one cat bob-tail, which latter, I
+thought, was equivalent to a nought, and I had the following result:
+62810. I concluded that this was the lucky number which was to get the
+farm. I posted off immediately to the office of the gift enterprise, and
+called for number 62810, and laid down my dollar. The dollar was
+accepted, and the ticket was handed me, done up in an envelope. I was
+confident of having the title deeds to the premises given me as soon as
+the drawing should take place, and as that event was set down for the
+next week, and there was no time to be lost, I contracted for thirty-two
+head of cattle, and all the necessary farming utensils, in order to be
+ready to commence a life of ease and luxury, at the earliest practicable
+moment, after the said real estate should come into my possession. I
+also advertised for two stout farm-hands, to assist me in following the
+prospective agricultural pursuits. I had some three hundred and
+sixty-eight answers. I finally engaged two athletic Irishmen, who were
+recommended by their late employer as being excellent farm-hands, and
+who, in addition, possessed this virtue, that, when drunk, they were
+satisfied to abuse one another, and never their employer.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"The day of the drawing at last came, and I went to the office to get my
+deed, for I never doubted a single instant that I had drawn the big
+prize. I entered the office, and told the clerk that I would take the
+documents.
+
+"'What documents?' said he.
+
+"'Why, my deed of the magnificent country mansion and farm in New
+Jersey, with three hundred acres of land, and a house with all the
+modern improvements.'
+
+"Gentlemen, I have been, in the course of my life, kicked by a horse,
+knocked into a cocked hat by a threshing-machine, and had my hair singed
+off by chain-lightning, but neither one of these occurrences so
+astounded me as did that red-haired clerk, when he informed me that my
+ticket had drawn a gold pen, with a silver holder, and a place in the
+top to put pencil-leads in.
+
+"Gentlemen, I was not furious, I was perfectly cool; but when I jumped
+over that counter, and laid hands on that red-haired clerk, I will admit
+that it was my calmly-settled intention to eat that red-haired clerk for
+luncheon, notwithstanding his cock-eye. A hasty glance at the mud on his
+boots, and the metal buttons on his coat-tails, caused me to alter my
+original amiable intention, and I made up my mind to be gentle with him,
+and merely whip him so his mother wouldn't be able to tell him from a
+Little Neck clam on a large scale, and then leave him to live through it
+if he could.
+
+"I struck him once, and he laid down in a corner among some bottles,
+with his head in the gas-meter, and in one minute from that time he was
+one universal damage.
+
+"The proprietor being done for, I proceeded to demolish the
+establishment; I didn't leave, of the chairs, tables, and desks, a piece
+big enough to make a bird-cage, and having turned on all the gas, I was
+seriously debating whether I should not set the whole shop on fire, and
+sue for the insurance, when the two Irishmen, whom I had engaged to work
+my farm, made their appearance. I told them to clear out, to budge,
+move on, leave, but they evidently took me for a swindler, and were
+bound to pay me off. They pitched into me; our amiable struggle to put
+each other's eyes out attracted a crowd; the muss became general;
+everybody went in, and before the policemen came there was considerable
+music. Nobody was bashful, and the result was four interesting cases of
+black eye, a pathetic instance of demolished nose, two lovely examples
+of swelled head, an agreeable specimen of peeled shin, seven
+illustrations of the beautifying power of finger-nails, when forcibly
+applied to the physiognomy, and three convincing exemplifications of the
+power of the Irish fist in extracting opposing teeth, without the aid of
+forceps or turnkey. The police came at last, and arrested the entire
+multitude. That night we slept in the station-house. I don't want to say
+anything against the bunks in that station-house, but this I _do_ say,
+that if there ever is a bed-bug convention, and that station-house is
+not well represented, it won't be because any lack of population
+deprives them of the right to a strong delegation; and if, at any
+national mass meeting of fleas, they stand in need of ten or fifteen
+thousand to make up a quorum, the station-house of that ward can supply
+them, without any perceptible decrease of its entomological census.
+
+"In the morning we were conducted before the Justice, but as there were
+about forty cases to be heard before mine, I had ample leisure to look
+about, and take a realizing sense of the beauties of my situation. The
+case of myself and others was at length reached. The officers swore to
+the muss, as if the numerous broken heads were not sufficient evidence
+that there had been a difference of opinion. One of the Irishmen became
+a volunteer liar in his own behalf, but the Justice recognized him as an
+old customer, often brought up for drunkenness, and knowing him to be a
+reliable liar, he placed his evidence all to my credit, and discharged
+me without even a fine, but with the assurance that if I came there
+again he would 'send me up.' Not wanting to make any such equivocal
+ascension as a matter of experiment, I have kept away from him, and cut
+up all my subsequent monkey-shines in another ward, which is out of his
+jurisdiction."
+
+After Mr. Dropper closed, there was a brief silence, in which each
+member quietly smoked his pipe, apparently reflecting upon the morals of
+lotteries. At last Wagstaff inquired who won the farm.
+
+"I forgot that," resumed Dropper. "I learned from an advertisement which
+appeared in the daily journals, that ticket number 6281 drew the farm.
+This number, you will observe, corresponds with the one I supposed would
+be the lucky one, except that in mine a nought was annexed to the four
+figures, making it 62810, instead of 6281. My mistake grew out of a
+misinterpretation of my dream, in respect to the bob-tailed cat, I
+having assumed that the diminutive nether extremity, in this instance,
+was equivalent to a nought expressed, whereas, if I had let it remain a
+nought understood, and had acted accordingly, I should have been the
+lucky man."
+
+"Not so lucky as you imagine," remarked Quackenbush, "for the facts of
+that matter I am somewhat familiar with. A country fiddler, living up in
+Connecticut, held the ticket which entitled the holder to the real
+estate aforesaid. He saw the advertisement, and I being the only
+acquaintance he had in the city, he wrote to me to secure the deeds, as
+he couldn't raise the money to come down. I called at the office of the
+managers of the enterprise, and presented the ticket. They said it was
+all right; congratulated me on the luck of my friend, and told me to
+call a week from that time, and they would be prepared to execute the
+deed. This I thought was very fair, and I left the office. On the
+appointed day I called, and found the office closed, as the managers
+had sloped."
+
+The conversation then turned upon Police Courts, and the facilities
+which they afforded in aiding a person to get glimpses of the elephant.
+It was conceded that the experience of Dropper, just related, opened
+very fair, and, on the suggestion of Mr. Quackenbush, it was resolved:
+
+1. That the members of the club do make it their business
+
+2. To visit the Police Courts
+
+3. Before the next meeting of the club.
+
+The meeting was adjourned by the club, singing, "We're all jolly good
+fellows."
+
+
+
+
+THE POLICE COURTS.
+
+"I do remember Ann--"
+
+A. POTHECARIE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+SEVERAL evenings passed before all the members of the club again
+assembled. In the meantime the quantity of manuscripts had become
+unusually large, the members having found that the Police Courts were
+prolific in sights of the colossal quadruped. When they did meet it was
+whispered that one of the members had had some personal experience, not
+only as a spectator but as a prisoner. No questions, however, were
+propounded upon the subject, in a tone loud enough for the member in
+question to hear, as they desired to allow him to speak of the matter
+voluntarily, confess his fault, and receive the forgiveness of his
+fellows.
+
+The proceedings of the evening were opened by the Higholdboy, who took
+his official seat, announced that the special order of the meeting was
+to hear the reports of members who had been present at the sessions of
+the Police Courts, with the view of noting down their zoological
+features.
+
+The Higholdboy called upon Dennis, Wagstaff, and Overdale for the result
+of their visit to the Police Courts. Wagstaff's notebook was produced,
+and the lengthened narratives inscribed therein went to show the
+following state of facts.
+
+Wagstaff arose one morning at six precisely, and, after having hit
+Dennis with his own wooden leg, and pulled Overdale's eyes open by his
+whiskers and hair, announced to them if they were going to visit the
+Essex Market Police Court that day, to see the animals, that it was time
+to rise. They slipped on their clothing as soon as possible, and
+started somewhat sooner. They passed the Odd Fellows Hall, which
+Overdale expatiated upon at some length as an extensive log-chain
+factory. He formed his conclusion from seeing three links of chain
+represented in a conspicuous part of the building. The Westchester House
+he informed them was Washington's head quarters, and under this belief
+they stopped some time to look at it, and speak of it in connection with
+the many stories related of that interesting relic of the architecture
+of the last century.
+
+They arrived at length at the Essex Market, in the upper part of which
+the police magistrate of that judicial district sits in a big chair, for
+the purpose of dealing out retail justice and getting a wholesale
+living.
+
+The trio ascended into the court-room, where the justice was seated,
+disposing of the hard cases which had accumulated during the night.
+Overdale was still communicative. In answer to the inquiries of Dennis,
+he informed that gentleman that the police clerks were associated
+justices, that the prisoner's cage was the jury-box, and pointed out the
+prisoners themselves as the jury. The humble member of the police, who
+is known as the doorman, Overdale said answered well the description of
+the Chief of the Police, contained in one of the historic works of John
+McLenan. Dennis inquired where the prisoners were. Overdale was unable
+to answer, but at last expressed it as his opinion that the persons who
+were standing about them must "be the malefactors." Dennis said he never
+could satisfactorily account for the jurors being tried, and sent out of
+the room in charge of officers, but he had too much confidence in the
+extensive knowledge and vast intelligence of Overdale, to suppose that
+his hirsute friend could possibly be mistaken. In consequence of this
+misplaced confidence on the part of Wagstaff and Dennis, the notebook of
+the former was filled with notes of the trials of the different members
+of the jury.
+
+One case of which Wagstaff took full notes, was that of Edward Bobber, a
+seafaring man, of very peculiar appearance, possessing some remarkable
+characteristics of manner, dress, speech, looks, and action. He was
+charged with being drunk. In the way of physical beauty, Edward was
+decidedly a damaged article. He had lost one arm by a snake-bite, and
+been deprived of an eye by the premature explosion of a pistol, which
+broke his spectacles at the same time it extinguished his sinister
+optic. The unexpected descent of a ship-mate, from the tops, upon his
+head, had turned his neck so that he seemed to be keeping a perpetual
+look out over his shoulder with his remaining eye. His nose resembled a
+half-ripe tomato, and a pair of warty excrescences hung upon his face,
+as if some one had shot a couple of marbles at him, which had stuck to
+him for life. His complexion bore a close resemblance to the outside of
+a huckleberry-pudding. His teeth, which were unusually long, projected
+backward, as if they had taken a start to grow down his throat. This
+last peculiarity was, undoubtedly, one cause of a remarkable singularity
+of speech, which seriously impaired his natural facility of
+conversation. Some idiosyncrasy of disposition, probably, had also
+something to do with this lingual embarrassment, but certain it is, that
+Mr. Edward Bobber never answered one question until he was asked
+another, to which last he would give the reply intended for query number
+one. Whether his mental faculties needed always a second-interrogative
+punching up, or whether the fangs projecting downward retained one
+answer until displaced by another, Wagstaff and his friends were unable
+to decide; but they truly believe that an inquiry propounded to Edward
+Bobber, aforesaid, would have remained unanswered until doomsday, unless
+a second question followed the first.
+
+A transcript of a conversation between him and the Clerk of the Court
+reads as follows:
+
+"_Clerk._--Where were you born?
+
+"The prisoner removed his solitary orb from its guardianship, over his
+left shirt sleeve, rolled it slowly round until it commanded a fair view
+of the questioner, but said nothing. The clerk, nothing daunted,
+continued:
+
+"'How long have you been in this country?'
+
+"The face assumed a look of intelligence, and answer No. 1 came out.
+
+"_Edward._--Broome County.
+
+"_Clerk._--How old are you?
+
+"_Edward._--Two years.
+
+"_Clerk._--How long have you been drunk?"
+
+"_Edward._--Thirty-four years, seven months, and nine days.
+
+"_Clerk._--Where did you get your liquor?
+
+"_Edward_ (rolling his eye toward the Judge).--Been on a spree four
+days.
+
+"_Judge_ (very indignant).--Did you say I've been on a spree?
+
+"_Edward._--Old Mother Bidwell's, down in Mott street.
+
+"_Clerk._--Do you mean hereafter to treat this Court respectfully?
+
+"_Edward._--No, sir; I hope not.
+
+"_Officer with red hair._--If you ain't crazy, I'm a jack-ass.
+
+"_Edward._--Yes, sir, of course.
+
+"The excited Judge here commenced making out his commitment, but the
+Clerk, who began to see the fun, thought best to ask him a few more
+questions first, and accordingly inquired of Bobber what he traded in,
+as he seemed to own a sloop. The prisoner, who had been cogitating upon
+the last remark of the red-haired officer until he had waxed wroth,
+burst out:
+
+"'Jack-ass! jack-ass! yes, you _are_ a jack-ass; not a doubt of it.'
+
+"_Clerk._--Come, tell me what kind of liquor did you drink yesterday?
+
+"_Edward._--Soap, candles, coffee, bar-lead, chickens, coal, pine
+kindling-wood, smoked hams, and white-wood shingles--
+
+"_Judge_ (interfering).--Prisoner, you are only getting yourself into
+trouble. My patience will give out. I can't stand everything. Do you
+think I'm made of patience?
+
+"_Edward._--Whisky; nothing but whisky, sir; upon my honor.
+
+"The last answer proved too much for the gravity of the Court. The
+Judge, the Clerk, the attendant officers, and all smiled audibly. A
+whispered word from the Clerk explained to the Justice the true state of
+the case. Edward was discharged, and as he departed from the
+court-room, an officer, two blocks away, heard him, in answer to a
+request for a penny proffered by a little girl, give what was
+undoubtedly intended as a detailed reply to the last interrogative
+remark of the Police Justice."
+
+The case of Mr. Palmerston Hook, which was also reported in Wagstaff's
+notebook, would seem to indicate that there was more than one way of
+catching fish.
+
+"Mr. Hook was brought up as a vagrant. He was a smooth-faced individual,
+about old enough to vote, dressed in rather grotesque, flashy clothes,
+very much worn. The sleeves of his coat were quite large, in accordance
+with the prevailing style. But they served a purpose of utility, as was
+developed by the evidence, in a rather novel profession which Mr. Hook
+followed.
+
+"The principal witness was Mr. James Skinner, a very respectable dealer
+in Catherine Market, who devotes his time and talents to purchasing eels
+from the catchers thereof and selling the same to citizens and others
+who desire to enjoy the luxury of eating eels, either fried or done up
+in the form of pie or any other form. Mr. Skinner has obtained for
+himself an enviable popularity as a man of integrity. It has never been
+said of him that he ever sold an eel whose recent advent upon dry land
+from the salt water was a matter of serious question; and to think that
+Mr. Palmerston Hook should have selected Mr. Skinner's stock to
+depredate upon is a matter of some surprise. Mr. Skinner testified as
+follows:
+
+"'This 'ere feller came to my eel-stand yes'day mornin' and asked me how
+eels was? Sez I, 'Good as usu'l,' and I axed him if he wanted to buy.
+Sez he, 'How much?' Says I, 'Eight'n pence.' Sez he, 'Is them all yer
+got?' Sez I, 'Yis.' Ye see, jest before this feller come up, I counted
+'em and there was 'zactly 'lev'n. Then this 'ere feller he 'gun to paw
+'em over, and kinder jumble 'em up together, which I thowt was wery
+funny; and at last, sez he, 'Guess I won't take none this mornin'.' He
+acted so kinder sneakin' that I thowt he wasn't all right, and 'fore he
+got out of sight I counted the eels an' found one on 'em was missen. I
+put for this 'ere feller and ketched him at the corner, an' I found my
+'spicions was right, for on searchin' the chap I found a neel up in 'is
+coat-sleeve.'
+
+"_Judge._--How did he keep the eel up in his sleeve?
+
+"_Mr. Skinner._--Well, that was done in a kinder 'genus way; he had a
+fish'ook on the end of a line, an' the line was run up the right
+coat-sleeve, over 'is shoulder, an' it come down inside of 'is coat on
+the left side, an' he come up to the stand, an' wen he was a kinder
+pawin' over the eels he was a ketchin' the fish'ook in the tail of the
+eel, an' as soon as it was ketched in he pulled the line with his left
+'and an' drawed the eel up inter 'is sleeve; an' as soon as it was
+drawed up he stopped pawin' an' left, an' 'ere's the fish'ook an' line
+wot I found on 'im; an' I think he oughter be sent to Blackwell's Island
+for bein' a wagrant.
+
+"_Judge._--Hook, what have you got to say for yourself?
+
+"_Mr. Hook._--I 'aven't got nothin' to say honly I vos wery 'ungry and
+vas a lookin' along in the market ven I 'appened to see the heels vot
+this 'ere hold cock 'ad. Sez I to m'self, sez I, now, I'll hax the price
+and mebbee the hole voman may vant von if they's cheap. Vell, I 'appened
+t'ave a 'ook and line in my coat, vich I spose haccidentally got ketched
+in von of the heels, and ven I left to go and tell the hole voman 'ow
+cheap they vas, it 'ung on to the 'ook.
+
+"_Judge._--That's a pretty story to tell me. Do you suppose I am going
+to believe it?
+
+"_Mr. Hook._--On the honor of a gentleman that vas the vay it 'appened.
+
+"_Judge._--At any rate, I shall send you up for three months.
+
+"_Mr. Hook._--Bust me, I honly vish you 'ad to try it three months
+yourself, you vouldn't think it vas quite so funny.
+
+"Mr. Palmerston Hook was conducted below.
+
+"Another interesting feature of the proceedings during the morning grew
+out of the case of Mr. Wallabout Warbler, whose name was the last
+called.
+
+"Mr. Warbler had reached the last stages of shabby gentility. Time had
+told sadly on his garments, originally of fine material and fashionable
+cut. His black, curly hair was whitened out by contact with whitewash,
+and his nose had become a garden for the culture of blossoms by far more
+common than they are proper. But Mr. Warbler, despite the reverses which
+he had evidently suffered, stood proudly and gracefully erect. If the
+external man was in a state of dilapidation, the spirit still was
+unhurt. He smiled gracefully when the Judge addressed him and told him
+that he was charged with having been arrested in a state of drunkenness.
+
+"Officers Clinch and Holdem were the witnesses against Mr. Warbler. They
+stated substantially that about one o'clock that morning they found Mr.
+Warbler standing in a garbage-barrel, on the edge of the sidewalk,
+extemporizing doggerel to an imaginary audience. They insisted upon his
+stopping, when Mr. Warbler told them that it was a violation of
+etiquette to interrupt a gentleman when he was delivering a poem before
+the alumni of a college. He was evidently under the influence of liquor,
+and quite out of his mind. They thought, for his own safety, that they
+had better bring him to the station-house.
+
+"_Judge._--Mr. Warbler, you have heard what the officers have stated
+about your eccentric course of conduct; how did you happen to get drunk?
+
+"_Mr. Warbler._--'Twas night, and gloomy darkness had her ebon veil
+unfurled, and nought remained but gas-lamps to light up this 'ere world.
+The heavens frowned; the twinkling orbs, with silvery light endowed,
+were all occult on t'other side a thunderin' big black cloud. Pale Luna,
+too, shed not her beams upon the motley groups which lazily were
+standing round like new disbanded troops--
+
+"_Judge._--It's not to hear such nonsense that I occupy this seat--
+
+"_Mr. Warbler._--A death-like stillness e'er prevailed on alley, pier
+and street.
+
+"_Judge._--To listen to such stuff, sir, I can't sacrifice my time--
+
+"_Mr. W._--Don't discombobilate my thought and interrupt my rhyme; I
+think that when misfortune is put on its defence, poetic justice, logic,
+law, as well as common sense, demand its story all be heard, unless _ex
+parte_ proof is to send poor friendless cusses underneath the prison's
+roof. Shall I proceed?
+
+"_Judge._--Proceed; but don't make your tale too long.
+
+"_Mr. W._--I'll heed your words, depend upon't. I own that I was wrong
+in rushing headlong as I did into inebriation, but let me question now
+the Court; is it not a palliation of the depth of human guilt if malice
+don't incite to break in divers fragments State laws wrong or right, and
+when only human appetite, uncontrolled by human reason leads men of
+genius, oftentime, the dish of life to season with condiments which _pro
+tem._ the mental palate tickle, yet very often, in the end, put human
+joys in pickle which ain't so cussed funny; though all of the expense of
+grub and the _et ceteras_ the public pays for; hence, I ask this Court
+(believing that its feelings are not hampered) if justice should not
+ever be with human mercy tempered?
+
+"_Judge._--Perhaps. Now, tell me, Warbler, where you bought your liquor.
+
+"_Mr. W._--Anon I'll tell you. Last week, Judge, prostrate was I, far
+sicker than to me's agreeable, with the diarrhea chronic, and
+sympathizing friends advised that I should take some tonic. I asked them
+what: at once they said, 'Get some lager-bier.' 'Twas got. 'Drink
+freely, boy,' said they, 'nothing need you fear, but you'll be up and on
+your legs.' The lager-bier 'was took;' soon every object in my sight had
+a very drunken look. Lager-bier (to German ears the words may be
+euphonic.) Tonic, certainly, it was, but decidedly too--tonic. Abnormal
+thirst excited it, and I went to great excesses (the statement's quite
+superfluous, my nose the fact confesses). Last night, attracted by the
+scenes which Gotham's streets present, I dressed myself in sombre
+clothes, and out of doors I went; to quench my thirst did I imbibe the
+more of lager-bier at Hoffman's on the corner, several squares from
+here. No more know I, 'cept in the morn I wakened from my sleep, and
+having sowed, perhaps I'll learn that likewise I must reap.
+
+"_Judge._--Have you got ten dollars?
+
+"_Mr. W._--'Tis true, I hain't a red; I suppose the words unpleasant
+which next to me'll be said; that because by my imprudence my
+pocket-book's collapsed, in prison drear must I remain till ten days
+have elapsed.
+
+"_Judge._--I'll let you go this time.
+
+"_Mr. Warbler._--Ha, say you so? Is't true, that though my offence is
+rank, in vain I did not sue for mercy; ne'er 'll I fail to say both
+through thin and thick in the circle of my acquaintance that you're a
+perfect brick.
+
+"Mr. Wallabout Warbler left the room."
+
+Mr. Van Dam announced that he had visited the Jefferson Market Police
+Court one morning, and though there was much in the proceedings that was
+uninteresting, he had yet been able to collate some facts which he
+doubted not would be regarded as worthy of being recorded upon the
+minutes of the club.
+
+After taking a punch, Mr. Van Dam proceeded.
+
+He stated that a dozen or two individuals, all of whom, not having the
+fear of the law before their eyes, and being instigated by a morbid
+thirst, and who did in the city and county of New York drink, swill,
+imbibe, smile, guzzle, suck, and pour down various spirituous,
+fermented, or malt liquors, wine, beer, ale or cider, and from the
+effects thereof did get drunk, were severally favored with moral
+lectures and ten dollar fines. The first were not appreciated, and the
+second were not paid.
+
+But the case which interested Mr. Van Dam most was that of four boys,
+named Frederick T. White, Michael Keefe, John Wheeler, and Manning
+Hough, who were arraigned on a charge of disorderly conduct. They were
+bright-looking boys of about thirteen years of age, dressed in plain but
+neat clothes, and with the exception of White, did not seem much to like
+the position they occupied. There was a devil-may-care, though not a
+vicious look, about White, which was positively refreshing. He seemed to
+rather like the position than otherwise, and from a roguish leer that
+was observed in his eye as he surveyed a personage who was to appear as
+the witness against him, Mr. Van Dam was led to anticipate something in
+the shape of novelty, and he accordingly prepared for the worst. The
+Judge told the boys the nature of the charge against them. The name of
+the witness being called, Mr. Conrad Heinrich Holzenkamp announced his
+presence by an emphatic 'Here.'
+
+Mr. Holzenkamp was a man who was the very ideal of a lager bier saloon
+keeper. His weight was at least two hundred and seventy-five pounds, one
+half of which could be set down to lager bier. His height was not more
+than five feet eight, but the circumference and diameter of the lager
+bier were enormous. He carried himself erect by necessity to balance
+the lager bier in the front. His hide was in wrinkles across the back
+of his neck whenever he held back his head, and every wrinkle seemed
+ready to burst with lager bier. Mr. Holzenkamp's face looked lager bier;
+Mr. Holzenkamp walked lager bier, drank and ate lager bier in
+alternation. He thought lager bier, dreamed lager bier. In brief, Mr.
+Holzenkamp was composed of two things: first, the effects of lager bier;
+and second, lager bier.
+
+Mr. Blotter, the clerk, administered the oath in his characteristic
+manner as follows:
+
+"You solemnly swear, in the presence of Almighty God, that the evidence
+which you shall give in the present case, shall be the truth, the whole
+truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, kiss the book, and
+get out of my way.
+
+"_Mr. Holzenkamp._--I can shwear to all de dings vat you shpeak, but to
+tell de whole troot, dat can I not shwear; ven I can dinks fon all dese
+boys have done, I tells you more as genuff to sends them to de
+Benidentiary for so long as dey lives; a hoonerd dings dey do vot I
+dinks not of.
+
+"_The Court._--Kiss the book, Mr. Holzenkamp.
+
+"The witness proceeded to bring a gill of lager bier contained in his
+nose, and a half gill of lager bier contained in his lips, in contact
+with a venerable Bible, which has been so familiar with crime by long
+association that we almost wonder the text has not been long since
+corrupted as much as the cover. Lager bier and the Bible having come in
+contact, lager bier is supposed to be incapable of lying.
+
+"_The Court._--Mr. Holzenkamp, please state the circumstances connected
+with the arrest of these boys.
+
+"_Mr. H._--Vell, on Vensday night, at von o'clock, my koostumers dey all
+goes vay fom mine lager bier saloon, und I say to Yawcob to go mit him
+and put up de blinds; ven he goes out mineself, mine vife, ve drinks
+some lager bier, and den I dakes de money and counts dem and puts dem in
+mine pocket; ven Yawcob come in ve locks de door, and goes de shtairs up
+to shleep; vel mine vife and I get to de bed in, so soon as ve can, and
+den I shleeps; ven I bin shleep leetle vile mine vife she shakes me and
+say, 'Heinrich, de cats dey makes noise in de shtreets so dat I cannot
+shleep;' ven I vakes up I hear so much cats squall in de shtreets dat I
+dinks dere vas a meetin fon cat politicians. But dey makes so much noise
+I cannot vink mine eyes vonce to shleep; so I get up and goes to de
+window and say 'shcat,' 'shcat;' but de more I say shcat de more dey
+vill not shcat. I say to mine vife, 'Katrina, you bin so younger and so
+smaller as I bin, you go down in de shtreets and drives 'vay de cats.'
+My vife den goes down, and ven she opens de door de cat squalls not
+more, and she looks to see dem, but dere is not cats in de shtreets. Ven
+she comes de shtairs up again and say de cats bin gone ve lie on de bed
+to shleep; vell, ven I bin yust shleep most, mine Gott! I hear de cats
+so louder as before, and I say to mine vife all de cats in de city bin
+come on the shtep-valk fon mine lager bier saloon; dey squall like
+hoonerd dyvels, and I try more to shcat dem vay. But it was no goot; dey
+shquall--I cannot say to you so bad as dey shquall. Mine vife say dere
+bin a tunder-shower fon cats; ven I lie in mine bed and shtand it so
+long as I can, I jump up und shwear dat I shoots all de cats in de
+vorld; I dakes mine bistol and runs de shtairs down, but I bin so mad,
+und I go so quick, dat I falls the shtairs over, und in a minute finds
+mine head knock on de vall, my right hand in some Schweitzer cheese, de
+oder in de shpit-box, und von foot in de big ice-pitcher; so soon as I
+can gits up and goes to de door und opens it, I goes on de shtep-valk,
+und mine foot shlips, and I falls down on mine back, and breaks all de
+bones in mine body; I feels mine hand on de shtep-valk, and I find it
+bin all covered mit soft soap; I dries to raise mineself, but I bin so
+heavy dat I down falls before I get up; yust den mine vife come and help
+me, and bulls me fom de shtep-valk in de door; ve do not hear de cats
+den, und so ve goes to de beds again; so soon as ve lie down I hears de
+cats so vorse as de oder time--I hears notings but cats; I never was so
+much afraid except vonce ven a lager bier barrel fly in bieces; I goes
+to de vindow and I dinks I hear dem on de awning, und I gets out; yust
+den de cats shtop, but I say I vill find vere dey bin on de awning; I
+valk along und my foot trips on some shtrings, and ven I fall I hear one
+loud cat-shquall dat fright me so dat I dinks I bin fall on more as
+dhree hoonered cats; ven I can get up I feels on de shtrings, und I
+valks till I finds a box; I brings de box to de vindow; Katrina gets de
+lamp und dere ve find in de long vood shoe-box seven cats vat vas fixed
+dis way: seven notch holes vas cut in de side de box, and de cats was
+put in de box mit deir heads shtick out de holes; on de oder side de box
+was seven leetle notch holes vere vas de cats' dails, und a shtring vas
+tie to all de cats' dails; I know dat de cats come not in de box by
+demselves, und so I look to see vere vas de boys; I comes de shtairs
+down again, goes on de shtep-valk so soft as I can, and I finds vere de
+strings comes down fom de awning; I keeps hold de shtring till I find
+it come to a big sugar hogshead by de next house, and dere I find dese
+boys; yust den I say 'Vatch!' and de boliceman comes and dakes de boys
+to de station-house; I believe dey is de same boys as trouble me before.
+
+"_The Court._--Boys, what have you got to say for yourselves for such
+conduct?
+
+"Master White volunteered to act as spokesman. He said:
+
+"Well, one day we was a playing in front of this 'ere man's lager bier
+saloon, and he come out and threatened to lick us if we didn't stop. We
+kept on, and bine-by he comes to the door when we wasn't a lookin', and
+threw a pailful of dirty water on us. We thought we'd got as good a
+right to the street as he had, so we made up our minds to be even with
+him, and we got the box and cats and serenaded him.
+
+"Mr. Holzenkamp stated that he baptized the boys a few days before as
+described. The boys promised not to bother lager bier saloon keepers any
+more, in consideration of which they were discharged."
+
+Mr. Van Dam stated that the last case called was that of Mr. Timothy
+O'Neil.
+
+The case he said occupied the attention of the court nearly a half
+hour, owing to the difficulty which the court experienced in getting him
+to make direct responses to his questions.
+
+"Timothy appeared in a grey dress-coat--that is to say, it was high in
+the waist, with a short and pointed tail, a feature oftener produced by
+tailors than by literary men of the present day. Timothy's vest was red;
+his breeches were made of corduroy. Below them were long coarse
+stockings and brogans.
+
+"The evidence went to show that Timothy had been found drunk in the
+street, but he was not communicative on the subject. He did not call the
+officer a liar after he had heard him give his evidence, nor tell the
+judge that he was an 'owld tief.' He said nothing until he was asked to
+take the usual oath. The Judge said: 'Mr. O'Neil, put your hand on the
+book.' Mr. O'Neil complied cautiously, fearing the result of his act.
+When the words of the oath were uttered he made the sign of the cross,
+and after being requested by the court, kissed the Bible.
+
+"_The Clerk._--What's your name?
+
+"_Prisoner._--The same as me father's.
+
+"'What was his name?'
+
+"'The same as mine.'
+
+"'Tell me your name or you shall be locked up.'
+
+"'Timothy.'
+
+"'And what else?'
+
+"'I haven't any middle name.'
+
+"'I mean your last name.'
+
+"'O'Neil.'
+
+"'How long have you been in the city?'
+
+"'Since I come to the counthry.'
+
+"'How long is that?'
+
+"'Pat Hooligan can tell ye betther nor I can.'
+
+"'What month was it?'
+
+"'The first Sunday in Lint.'
+
+"'Where do you live?'
+
+"'Wid Biddy and the childer.'
+
+"'Where do they live?'
+
+"'The second floor, back room, bad luck to the bugs that's in it.'
+
+"'I mean what street?'
+
+"'Mike Henessy's store is on the first floor.'
+
+"'Tell me what street the house is on?'
+
+"'Who the divil can tell whin they are changin' the names of the
+blackguard streets so much?'
+
+"'What was the street called before the name was changed?'
+
+"'Anthony street; they calls it by another name now.'
+
+"'Worth street I suppose you mean?'
+
+"'I mane that the painter should have put it Worthless street.'
+
+"'Whereabouts in Worth street?'
+
+"'Three doors from the corner.'
+
+"'What corner?'
+
+"'The corner of the street.'
+
+"'What street?'
+
+"'The street three doors above.'
+
+"'Well what is its name?'
+
+"'Bad luck to you, why didn't ye ax me that before?'
+
+"'Well, tell me the name.'
+
+"'Faith I don't know miself. It's an alley.'
+
+"'Well, what's the number of the house?'
+
+"'The number on the door do you mane?'
+
+"'Certainly.'
+
+"'There isn't anny.'
+
+"'What is your trade?'
+
+"'Me father never 'prenticed me.
+
+"'I mean what do you work at?'
+
+"'I don't do any work.'
+
+"'Why?'
+
+"'Because you've got me locked up in prison.'
+
+"'Will you tell me what you work at when out of prison?'
+
+"'I'm a laborin' man, sir'
+
+"'At what were you employed?'
+
+"'Haird work.'
+
+"'What kind of work?'
+
+"'In the shores' (sewers).
+
+"'You are charged with being drunk.'
+
+"'Dhrunk, is it. Faith, I never was more sober in my life than I am at
+this minute.'
+
+"'That may be; but here are a half-dozen men who are ready to swear that
+they saw you drunk yesterday.'
+
+"'Av it comes to that, can't I bring twiste as manny who will swear that
+they didn't see me dhrunk yisterday.'
+
+"'What kind of liquor did you drink?'
+
+"'Mighty bad liquor, and ye'd say the same av ye was to thry it.'
+
+"'Was it malt or spirituous liquor?'
+
+"'It was nayther; it was whisky.'
+
+"'Where did you purchase it?'
+
+"'At the Dutchman's.'
+
+"'Where is his store?'
+
+"'On the corner.'
+
+"'What corner?'
+
+"'The corner nearest to where they're buildin' the shtore.'
+
+"'Where is that?'
+
+"Where I was workin'.'
+
+"_The Court._--What was O'Neil doing when you found him?
+
+"_Officer._--He was lying very drunk in a hole which he had been
+digging.
+
+"_Prisoner._--Be me sowl you're wrong for wonst; I didn't dig the howl;
+I dug out the dirt and left the howl.
+
+"'Were you ever up before the Court before?'
+
+"'No, nor behind aither; when I want to be again, I'll sind to your
+honor and let ye know.'
+
+"'If I let you of this time will you keep sober?'
+
+"'Faith I will, unliss the Dutchmin keep betther liquor nor they do
+now.'
+
+"'You may go.'
+
+"'Thank ye, sir--ye're a gintleman, av there iver was wan.'
+
+"Mr. Timothy O'Neil left the court-room."
+
+Mr. Dropper also proposed to relate the experience of some half a dozen
+mornings which he had spent in the pursuit of amusement under
+difficulties, when he had occupied himself in seeing the sights around
+the Jefferson Market Police Court.
+
+"On one of the mornings which I devoted to visiting the Tombs," said Mr.
+Dropper, "the class of prisoners varied. Most of them claimed to be
+from the western of the British Isles. Others said they were born in
+Cork, Clare, Down, and other counties. A number answered to patronymics
+to which were prefixed the letter O, and an apostrophe. One party, who
+called themselves Fardowners, looked brick-bats at another party who
+occupied a remote corner of the cage, and who claimed to be
+Connaughtmen. The remainder of the prisoners were Irish.
+
+"An interesting feature in the proceedings of the morning was a case in
+which Owen Shaughnessy, Patrick Mulholland, Michael O'Shea, Timothy
+Leahey, Dennis Maroney, Dermot McDermott, Phelim Flannegan, Bridget
+O'Keefe, Mary McBride, Ellen Dougherty and Bridget Casey were the
+defendants. As the Judge called out their names, the prisoners severally
+responded. They were all, as their names would indicate, of Irish birth.
+The men, evidently long-shoremen and laborers, and the women, servants.
+Their garments, in some instances, were torn, and in other ways
+disarranged and soiled. The men, and in one or two instances the women,
+showed bruises about their faces and hands, indicating their active
+participation in a recent scrimmage, from the effects of which they had
+not had the time, or soap and water, to enable them to recover.
+
+"Mr. Gerald O'Grady, who stands at the head of the bar at the Tombs,
+and who, under adverse circumstances and strong competition, has been
+enabled, by his talents, to keep up his tariff of fees, from which he
+has never deviated, appeared as counsel for the prisoners. Mr. O'Grady
+has never been known to defend a case for less than fifty cents, unless,
+actuated by feelings of commendable philanthropy, he has volunteered his
+professional services gratis. It may be reasonably supposed that his
+success has excited the envy of the 'shysters;' for while they have to
+sit oftentimes a whole morning beside their respective granite columns
+at the Tombs, without being called upon to defend a case, Mr. O'Grady's
+presence in the court-room is in frequent demand. Mr. O'Grady had been
+retained in this case, I learned, by seven of the defendants, at a
+certain specified fee for each man, he volunteering his professional
+services to the ladies without charge. He announced to the Court that he
+represented the defendants, and that they were ready to have the trial
+commence.
+
+"'Is Mr. O'Grady your counsel?' the Judge inquired of the defendants.
+
+"'Yes, yer honor,' said one of the parties addressed; 'didn't I pay him
+five shillings--divil a hap'ny less--for to defind me.'
+
+"'Five shillings?' said Mr. O'Grady, indignantly, 'you mane that as a
+retainer, of coorse.'
+
+"_Defendant._--I mane that's all ye'll get, anny how----
+
+"_Counsel_ (loudly).--Say, sir, it is time for you to know that, as a
+client, you should addhress the Coort only through your counsel. (To the
+Court.) Sir, my clients here, paceable citizens, stand ready for to
+answer, through me, to the diabolical chairges which designin' min have
+brought against thim, feelin' within their breasts----(Here Mr. O'Grady
+hit one of his clients a severe blow in his bread-basket).
+
+"_Assaulted Client._--Oh! h-h--.
+
+"_Counsel_ (to client).--Keep your mouth shut, why don't you? (To the
+Court.) Feelin', as I said before, widthin their breasts, the proud
+consciousness of their entire innocence of anny charges which their
+accusers could dare for to bring against thim.
+
+"The witnesses were Sergeant Ferrett and Officers Snap, Catcher,
+O'Grasp, Ketchum, Holder, and Van Knabem.
+
+"Officer Holder stated, in substance, that while patrolling his beat
+during Thursday night, the inmates of a house, No. 83-1/2 Pacific Place,
+began to get very disorderly. From the howlings and noises which he
+heard, he came to the conclusion that there was a wake in the house. Not
+desiring to stop the disturbance by any violent means, he knocked at the
+door, with the view of telling them that they were disturbing the public
+peace, and requesting them to desist. No response was made to his knock.
+He then put his mouth to the keyhole of the door, and announced to them,
+as audibly as he could, that unless they desisted, he should have to
+call other officers and arrest them. No attention was paid to his words.
+Sergeant Ferrett arrived soon after, and inasmuch as the disturbance
+continued to increase, they called in the other officers to make a
+descent on the place, not, however, until they had first endeavored, by
+their voices, to make the inmates of the house understand the
+consequence to them, in case they persisted in their unlawful course.
+Officer Ketchum, who had formerly patrolled the beat, knew of a rear
+entrance to the house through an alley, and they accordingly entered the
+house by that way. They found about twenty persons present, men and
+women, engaged in a promiscuous scrimmage, howling, drinking, and
+fighting. The orders of the sergeant to cease their disturbance did not
+avail anything, which decided them to arrest the leading actors in the
+scene, which they forthwith accomplished, after some considerable
+resistance on the part of the company. They brought them to the
+station-house. The remainder of the party subsequently retired or left
+the place, which was quiet for the rest of the night.
+
+"The remaining officers confirmed the evidence of officer Holder, in
+such of its particulars as they were acquainted with. All of them were
+cross-questioned, more or less, by Mr. O'Grady, without, however,
+eliciting any new facts of material interest.
+
+"Mr. O'Grady introduced, as a witness for the defense, Mrs. Katheleen
+Hennesy.
+
+"Mrs. Hennesy is a lady of about forty-five years of age, five feet ten
+inches in height, weighing about two hundred and fifty pounds. She has a
+florid face. Her dress was remarkable for the extent with which it was
+ornamented with highly-colored ribbons and laces, gathered in fantastic
+bows.
+
+"Mr. Blotter, the clerk, administered the usual oath.
+
+"Mrs. Hennesy, having kissed the book, the examination was commenced.
+
+"_Mr. O'Grady._--Misthress Hennesy, will you state to the Coort if
+you're the proprietor of the house No. 83-1/2 Pacific Place.
+
+"_Mrs. Hennesy._--Av coorse I am, and divil a hap'ny is there owin' to
+anny man for what's inside of it.
+
+"_Mr. O'G._--What kind of a house do you keep there?
+
+"_Mrs. H._--Is it for to prove that the charackther of me house is not
+good that yer afther axin' the question?
+
+"_Mr. O'G._--Misthress Hennesy, could ye make it convanient to thrate
+this Coort wid becoming respect, by answerin' the questions that I put
+to ye, for the purpose of establishin' a definse of these ladies and
+gintlemen, some of whom, I am towld, are inmates of yer house? What kind
+of a house, I'll ax ye wonst more, do ye keep?
+
+"_Mrs. H._--It's a respectable, honest boordin'-house; bad luck to the
+blackgaird that says it's not.
+
+"_Mr. O'G._--Will you plase to state to the Coort the facts of the
+unfortunate occurrence that thranspired in yer house last night?
+
+"_Mrs. H._--For the matther o' that, there's mighty little for to tell;
+for it was nothin' more nor a wake, barrin' that the corpse come to life
+widout showin' the civility of first tellin' the mourners that he wasn't
+dead at all at all, and sayin', 'By yer lave, I'd rather not be, av it's
+all the same to yez.'
+
+"_Mr. O'G._--It's about that, Misthress Hennesy, that his honor is a
+waitin' for ye to spake of. Now, thin, will ye relate the facts?
+
+"_Mrs. H._--Well, plase yer honor, it was yestherday mornin' airly that
+I heard Timothy Garretty was up stairs in his room, very sick, and like
+to die. I dhressed myself, and sent for the docther, and went up stairs;
+and throth Tim was a lyin' there in wan of his fits, wid which he had
+been often throubled before; and before the docther could come to him,
+the circulation of his brathin' had stopped entirely. Well, yer honor,
+Tim had manny frinds in the house, and as he was an owld boordher, we
+thought to howld a wake over his body. He was laid out, and put into a
+coffin. At night all of his frinds come into the room, where everything
+was illegantly arranged for the wake. They had begun to dhrink their
+whisky, and was enjoyin' themselves in a gintale way, whin Pat
+Mulholland, he sthruck Mike O'Shea over the eye for somethin' that Mike
+had said, and wid that Mike's frinds and Pat's frinds got themselves
+mixed up in a free fight together. At that time, plase yer honor, who
+should I see arisin' from the coffin but Timothy Garretty himself, and
+restin' on his hands. By my sowl I was freckened, for I thought it was
+Tim's apparition that was appearin'. Thin Tim spoke up; 'Bad luck to
+yez,' says he, 'isn't it a fine thing yez is doin'--havin' the whisky
+flowin' free, and a free fight, too, and keepin' me a lyin' in this
+blackgaird box on the broad of me back, widout ever so much as axin' me
+if I had a mouth on me at all at all?' Wid that somebody who was a
+strikin' happened to hit Timothy a clout in the eye, which knocked him
+back into the coffin.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"'Who the divil did that?' sez Tim, as he made a spring from the coffin
+on to the floor, dhressed all up in his white clothes. 'Show me the man
+that shtruck me in me eye;' and wid that Tim he commenced a shtrikin'
+out, and he shtruck Dennis Marony under the but of the lug. Whin they
+saw Tim out of his coffin, they stopped a fightin', and fell on their
+knees, and commenced a sayin' their prayers. 'What's the matther wid
+yez?' says Tim.
+
+"'Are ye not dead?' says Larry O'Brien.
+
+"'Yes, as dead as a nest of live flaze,' says Tim.
+
+"'Then yer alive,' says they.
+
+"'Thry me wid some whisky,' says he; and wid that they got up and give
+Tim some whisky, which he never dhrank wid a betther grace nor thin.
+Well, as Tim wasn't dead, they couldn't howld the wake, but they said it
+would be a pity to lave the whisky to spoil, so they agreed that they'd
+have the spree just the same. Tim was purty wake from his fit, and so it
+didn't take long to make him dead dhrunk, whin we laid him in his bed.
+Afther that, yer honor, they kept on a dhrinkin', and was fightin' in
+the most frindly way, whin the M.P.s come into the door, and tuck some
+of thim off to the station-house. I thin shut up the house, and the rest
+wint to bed.
+
+"_Judge._--Mrs. Hennesy, where is Timothy, the corpse?
+
+"'Here, sir,' said a cadaverous-looking Hibernian, 'a little the worse
+for dyin' widout bein' very dead.'
+
+"_Judge._--I think you're good for a few years yet if you take care of
+yourself. Mr. O'Grady, have your other witnesses anything to testify in
+addition to what Mrs. Hennesy has stated?
+
+"_Mr. O'Grady._--I belave not, yer honer. The material facts of the
+definse are sufficiently proven by Misthress Hennesy's evidence. Av the
+Coort plase, I have a few words to say in behalf of me clients here,
+which, av the Coort will hear me, I will make brief and to the point.
+
+"_Judge._--Go on.
+
+"_Mr. O'Grady._--Thin, av the Coort plase, I will state that the ground
+of my definse of these gintlemen and ladies against the unfounded
+chairge of their disturbin' the public pace, is that the chairge is
+unthrue in point of fact. Sir, what are the facts? A man dies, and his
+friends congregate about the corpse to perform their last friendly
+offices to his remains, in accordance with a custom justified by
+thradition, ratified by usage, sanctified by antiquity, vilified by
+these officers of the law when they call it a disturbance of the public
+quiet, crucified when they burst in the house of mournin' and interfered
+wid it in the name of the law; and, sir, I shall now proceed to
+establish a definse, _bone fide_, with the soundness of which I belave
+yer honor will be satisfied. Sir, the Constitution guarantees to my
+clients freedom of conscience; the stairs and sthripes wave proudly
+over a land in which religious despotism never dare show its repulsive
+form; and yet these officers dare to say that a custom, which is almost
+a pairt of the religion of these my clients, is a disturbance of the
+public pace. Sir, the institutions of our counthry air endangered by
+such perceedin's. And who was they disturbin'? Wasn't every man and
+woman and child in Pacific Place of the same nationality of these my
+clients? Air not their ethnological instincts runnin' in the same
+channels? Was they disturbed? No! Every man and woman and child there
+would have admired the devotion of these my clients, to their ancient
+national thraditions and customs. There they was wan wid another doin'
+their last friendly offices to their deceased friend in a fraternal
+fight over his corpse. Sir, what a sublime spectacle for the human mind
+to contemplate. I wondher that the officers were not thransfixed by the
+solemnity and moral grandeur of the scene.
+
+"_Judge._--Mr. O'Grady, I think that the fact of the dead having come to
+life, and having been put to bed dead drunk, proves disastrous for your
+argument, even admitting its soundness.
+
+"_Mr. O'Grady._--Thrue it is, yer honor, that the wake was perceedin'
+without the corpse, as thradition has it, that wonst upon a time Hamlet
+was played widout the Prince of Denmark; but, yer honor, it was the
+fault of the corpse, and not of that assembly of mourners. If Timothy
+Garretty had chosen to have remained a dacintly-behaved corpse, thin the
+objection which yer honor has raised could not have weighed against me
+clients here, and I press it now upon yer honor should my clients here
+be held accountable for the shortcomings of the corpse? I think not,
+sir.
+
+"_Judge._--I think, Mr. O'Grady, you may dispense with further argument,
+as it would be superfluous. Mrs. Hennesy's house and its inmates have
+never been complained of before that I am aware of, and in consideration
+of this fact I'll discharge the prisoners, giving them warning, however,
+in the future that if they are any of them brought before me again, I
+shall not deal with them so leniently. You may go.
+
+"The interesting party left the court.
+
+"The business of the court having been quite extended, the Judge cast
+eyes upon the clock, observing that the hour was already advanced, but
+as he looked at the list of cases before him, he observed with a seeming
+satisfaction, that he had now reached the last; he felicitated himself
+with the idea that in a few moments he would be at liberty to leave the
+premises, and after finding his way to some neighboring restaurant,
+partake of his judicial sirloin steak and coffee. He was evidently
+fatigued, but he put on a good-humored face as he called out:
+
+"'Timothy Mulrooney.'
+
+"'Here, sir,' said a young Milesian, remarkable for nothing in
+particular; 'here I am, sir:' and Timothy Mulrooney stepped forward to
+the bar.
+
+"The Judge addressed the prisoner:
+
+"'Timothy,' said he, 'you are charged with disorderly conduct.'
+
+"'Yes sir, he is, and it's me that chairges him wid that same,' spoke up
+an old woman, dressed in a heavy, blue cloth cloak, and an antiquated
+cap and bonnet.
+
+"_Judge._--Are you the witness?
+
+"_Woman._--Av coorse I am, your honor, and it's me pride that I can
+spake against Tim Mulrooney--the dirty tief of the world that he is (to
+the prisoner), and I wondher, Tim, that you're not ashamed to howld up
+yer head before his honor.
+
+"_Judge._--Madame, state the facts as they occurred.
+
+"_Witness._--Well, place your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or
+Saturday mornin', I don't know which; but be that as it may, it doesn't
+make anny difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor
+wants for to know, when I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my
+door; sez I to myself, now Michael has come wid the porgies, and--
+
+"_Judge._--Who is Michael?
+
+"_Witness._--And don't ye know Michael, sure? he is my own child, and a
+betther-behaved and more dacent boy nor him never sang at a wake; and he
+can rade and write yer honor, as well as annybody, barrin' that whin he
+comes to the big words he has to skip them, and guess at what they mane;
+but that is not his fault, yer honor, for Michael never had any time to
+go to school, still--
+
+"_Judge._--Madame, you shouldn't let your tongue fly off in a tangent in
+this way. What we desire to know is relative to the charge preferred by
+you against Timothy Mulrooney, here.
+
+"_Witness._--Yes, your worship, I was just comin' to it when ye
+interrupted me. (To the prisoner)--Ah, you murdbering tief, it's on
+Blackwell's Island that ye ought to be, instead of bein' here to face
+his honor in the indacent way that ye'r doing now. (To the Judge)--Well,
+your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or Saturday mornin', I can't tell
+which, but be that as it may, it does not make anny difference, because
+it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to know, when I heard
+the horn of a fish-cairt in front of me door. Sez I to myself, Michael
+has come wid the porgies. You see, your honor, Michael owns a
+fish-cairt, and he sells fish, and what he doesn't sell he brings home
+for us to ate. He towld me in the morning, that he would thry for to
+save some of the porgies for dinner. Thin I wint out ov the door, and
+sure enough it was Michael. 'Michael,' sez I; 'What,' sez he; 'Is it
+here ye's air?' sez I; 'Sure it is,' sez he; 'Did you save the porgies?'
+sez I; 'Av coorse I did,' sez he; and wid that he commenced takin' out
+the fish from the cairt.
+
+"_Judge._--What has all this to do with Timothy Mulrooney's offensive
+conduct? you have not shown as yet that he has done anything wrong.
+
+"_Witness._--Yer honor need have no fears but I'll convince yez that a
+dirtier spalpeen nor him niver was allowed to go unhung among a dacent
+people. (To the prisoner)--Ah, Tim, ye villain, I wondher that the ship
+didn't sink wid ye on board when ye left the ould counthry; I'd like to
+see ye show a receipt wid yer passage-money paid, ye--
+
+"_Judge._--Madam, I must insist upon your addressing yourself to the
+Court; you have no business to speak to the prisoner at all. Although he
+may have done wrong, yet so long as he is in my presence he shall be
+protected from the assaults of your tongue.
+
+"_Witness_ (excited).--The assaults of me tongue! Howly St. Pathrick, do
+ye hear that? Yer honor, I'm a dacint woman wid a family of childher and
+divil a word was ever spoke against me charackther before.
+
+"_Judge._--I said nothing against your character. I want you to confine
+yourself to what Timothy Mulrooney did to disturb the peace and quiet of
+your domicile.
+
+"_Witness._--I will yer honor. It was on Friday mornin', or Saturday
+mornin', I don't know which, but be that as it may, it don't make anny
+difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to
+know; ah, yer honor, I have it now--it was Friday mornin'--we was to
+have porgies for dinner, and not mate, because it was Friday--
+
+"_Judge._--All this is worse than nothing; you are taking up the time of
+the court by your tedious talk, which, so far as I can see, has no
+bearing whatever on the charge you have seen fit to make against this
+man Timothy.
+
+"_Witness._--Haven't I been trying for the last ten minutes to tell ye,
+and ye'll not not let me? It's wid a bad grace that yer honor reproves
+me for not tellin' ye what I know, whin it's yerself that is
+interruptin' me. Well, yer honer, it was on Friday morning, whin I heard
+the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my door, sez I to myself, now
+Michael--
+
+"_Judge._--I don't want to hear that story any more. You have told that
+several times already. State the facts about Timothy. Come down to the
+time when he commences to figure.
+
+"_Witness._--Ah, bad luck to the thratement that I get here. Has any of
+my illusthrious family the O'Briens ever done annything against yer
+honer that yez should illthrait me in this way?
+
+"_Judge._--Not that I am aware of. Now go on with your evidence.
+
+"_Witness._--Well, yer honor, as I was about to tell ye, it was on
+Friday mornin' whin I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my
+door. Sez I to myself--now Michael has come wid the porgies.
+
+"_Judge_ (impatiently).--Mrs. O'Brien, I--
+
+"_Witness._--Me name's not O'Brien; I'm a married woman, and me name is
+Flaherty; me name was O'Brien when I was a girl.
+
+"_Judge._--Well, then, Mrs. Flaherty, O'Brien, or whatever your name is,
+I have heard of these porgies and that fish-cart so often that they have
+grown stale; now tell me what occurred between you and Timothy
+Mulrooney?
+
+"_Witness._--How do I know but ye'll intherrupt me again before I have
+said five words?
+
+"_Judge._--You may rest assured that I will not if you will tell what
+Tim Mulrooney has done that is contrary to law.
+
+"_Witness._--I could tell ye enough to hang him a half-dozen times, if
+he had as manny necks as that; (to the prisoner) ye know I could, Tim,
+ye--
+
+"_Judge_ (perspiringly).--Mrs. O'Flaherty--
+
+"_Witness._--Flaherty, widout the O, yer honor.
+
+"_Judge._--Well, whatever your name is, you must not say anything to the
+prisoner in this court. Go on now, and if you will tell what he has done
+I'll not interrupt you.
+
+"_Witness._--Now remember yer promise, ye honor. It was on Friday
+mornin'--
+
+"_Judge_ (despairingly).--You're at it again. I--
+
+"_Witness._--Howly mother of Moses! I told yer honor how it would be wid
+ye; here I haven't said more nor five words before yer at yer owld
+thricks again.
+
+"_Judge_ (much vexed).--What did Timothy do with your fish?
+
+"_Witness._--He didn't do annything wid them that time, barrin' that he
+saw Michael bring them in the house, and I heard him tell Biddy
+Mulrooney, his mother, who lives in the next room to me, that he would
+rather live on praties and bread, as they was a doin', than to ate
+stinkin' porgies that nobody else would buy; I know the Mulrooneys was
+jealous.
+
+"_Judge._--Did Timothy create any disturbance then?
+
+"_Witness._--No, yer honor, he didn't.
+
+"_Judge._--Then why did you have him arrested?
+
+"_Witness._--It was afther thin that the spalpeen made the disturbance.
+
+"_Judge._--When was that?
+
+"_Witness._--It was yestherday mornin'.
+
+"_Judge._--What did Timothy do?
+
+"_Witness._--It wasn't Tim, but his cat.
+
+"_Judge._--Then it seems that you have entered a charge against Timothy
+Mulrooney of disorderly conduct, which, by right, you should have made
+against Timothy Mulrooney's cat, always provided that cats are amenable
+to municipal law.
+
+"_Witness._--By my sowl, yer honor, ye've got it mixed up again. Now why
+didn't ye wait until I could tell ye.
+
+"_Judge._--Go on; I am reconciled to my fate. As a particular favor, I
+should like to have you finish within a half hour.
+
+"_Witness._--Well, yer honor, as I was tellin' ye, the Mulrooneys was
+jealous of us because we had fish and they didn't. Yestherday mornin'
+Michael brought home more porgies (the Judge here heaved a deep sigh)
+and I laid them on top of a barrel in the passage to wait till I could
+dress them; what next, yer honor, did I see but Tim Mulrooney's big tom
+cat on the barrel atin' the fish; I heaved a pratie at the cat and it
+ran off wid the porgies; just thin I saw Tim Mulrooney laughing at what
+the cat was doin'; I know the blackgaird had towld the cat to ate the
+porgies; I called to Michael, and I run toward Tim to bate the tief as
+he deserved, whin my foot slipped and I furled over on the broad of my
+back; wid that Tim laughed the more, and Michael run to him, and was
+about to give him a tap on the sconce, whin Tim struck Michael a blow in
+his bowels, which quite prostrated him on the floor; with that I ran and
+got the M.P., who brought the murderin' tief to the station-house.
+
+"_Judge._--Well, Mrs. Flaherty, I think, according to your own story,
+the prisoner acted more in his own defence than any other way.
+
+"_Witness._--In his own definse! Bad luck to the tongue that says so.
+Is--
+
+"_Judge_ (to prisoner).--Timothy Mulrooney, I am by no means sure that
+your cat did not eat the Flahertys' fish with your connivance. If the
+cat did so, you did wrong; but for that you are sufficiently punished by
+your imprisonment last night. I think you might have been less hasty in
+striking Michael. Is Michael in court?
+
+"_Mrs. Flaherty._--He is. Stand up, Michael, before his honor.
+
+"Mrs. Flaherty, Michael and Timothy were standing together in a row.
+
+"_Judge._--Now I am going to insure perfect harmony in your house for
+six months to come; I shall bind each of you over in the sum of $200 to
+keep the peace.
+
+"This was almost too great a humiliation for the blood of the O'Briens
+to bear; but there was no alternative. Mrs. O'Brien Flaherty satisfied
+herself as well as she could by looking screw-drivers at the Judge;
+Michael appeared demure, and Timothy appeared jolly. The bonds were
+given, and the interesting trio left the court.
+
+"The Judge rose from his chair, and made a bee line for breakfast."
+
+During the various narrations which were given during the evening, Mr.
+Quackenbush remained seated in the corner, saying nothing and doing as
+much. His eyes were partially closed, and an occasional sigh was all
+that escaped him.
+
+When Mr. Dropper concluded the reading of his contributions, it was
+moved that Mr. Quackenbush open his mouth, and say something, under the
+penalty of having it pried open with the poker.
+
+This caused Mr. Quackenbush to open his eyes; and, after various
+preliminary hems and coughs, he announced that there was a certain rule
+of evidence which gave a witness the right to refuse to say anything
+tending to criminate himself. He should avail himself of that rule.
+Having said these words, Mr. Quackenbush rolled over on the floor, drew
+himself into double bow knot, and was soon snoring against noise.
+
+In the meantime Mr. Spout had taken the floor, and stated that he had on
+one occasion been over at the Essex Market Police Court. He was there
+the involuntary witness of the trial of a case, which might account for
+the non-communicative disposition manifested on the present occasion by
+Mr. Quackenbush. During the proceedings, the justice called out the
+name of R. Percy De Laney Blobb; and in response to the call a tall
+individual arose and came forward. "I thought I recognized in the
+individual in question," continued Mr. Spout, "a person whom I had seen
+before, and I was not mistaken. He was wild, and disposed to regale the
+assembled company with a numerous collection of songs, which he had at
+his tongue's end. His dress was much disarranged.
+
+"The evidence of the officer who had arrested the tall gentleman, went
+to show that he had offended against the laws, by disturbing the rest
+and quiet of an unappreciative neighborhood, by bawling forth at
+midnight most unmelodious yells, which, when he was apprehended, he
+assured the officer were capital imitations of Sontag, Grisi, and
+Grisi's new baby. When arrested the individual was in a plebeian state
+of drunkenness--not so much so but that he could sing, as he called it,
+and could talk after an original fashion of his own. His ideas were
+slightly confused; he informed the officer that he had been to hear
+Louisa Crown sing the Pyne Diamonds, and that he met a friend who took
+him to a billiard shop to see a clam race; that he and his friend bet
+the whisky on the result; that he drunk for both, and that they had
+passed the remainder of the evening in a 'magnorious manner,' singing
+'Storm Columbus,' 'Yankee Boodles,' and the 'Scar Strangled Bladder.'
+
+"The officer had taken him to the lock-up, where he had finished the
+night singing 'Good Old Daniel,' whistling the 'Prima Donna Waltz,' and
+playing an imaginary piano-solo on the floor, in which attempt he had
+worn off some of his finger-nails. When he was before the court he had
+not yet recovered his normal condition. He was still musically
+obstinate, and refused to answer any questions of the Judge, or make any
+remarks, except in scraps of songs, which he sang in a low voice, mixing
+up the tunes in a most perplexing manner. Being possessed of an
+excellent memory, and having a large assortment of melodies at his
+command, his answers were sometimes more amusing than relevant. The
+Judge proceeded to interrogate him somewhat as follows:
+
+"_Judge._--What is your name, sir?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'My name is Robert Kidd, as I sailed'--
+
+"_Indignant Officer._--He lies, your honor. Last night he said his name
+was Blobb.
+
+"_Judge._--Where do you live?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Erin, Erin is my home.'
+
+"_Knowing Officer._--He isn't an Irishman, Judge; he's a Connecticut
+Yankee, and lives in East Broadway.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'That's eight times to-day you have kissed me before.'
+
+"_Officer._--Please, your honor, he's an octagonal liar, I didn't.
+
+"_Judge._--Where did you get your liquor?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Way down south in Cedar street; rinctum'--
+
+"_Judge_ (to officer).--What's that he says?
+
+"_Attentive Officer._--At Ringtown's in Cedar street.
+
+"_Judge._--What number in Cedar street?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Forty horses in the stable.'
+
+"_Officious Officer._--Ringtown's, No. 40 Cedar street, your honor.
+
+"_Prisoner._--(Voluntary remark, sotto voce.) 'A jay bird sat on a
+hickory limb--he winked at me and I winked at him.'
+
+"_Indignant Officer._--Who're you winkin' at?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Nelly Bly, shuts her eye.'
+
+"_Officer._--You'd better shut your mouth.
+
+"_Judge._--What have you got to say, prisoner?
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Hear me, Norma.'
+
+"_Officer._--Well, go on, go on.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'O blame not the bard.'
+
+"_Judge._--Nobody to blame but yourself.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Did you ever hear tell of Kate Kearney?'
+
+"_Knowing Officer._--Keeps a place in Mott street, your honor.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'O! O! O! O! O! Sally is the gal for me.'
+
+"_Judge_ (to officer).--Who is Sally? Some disreputable female I
+suppose.
+
+"_Officer._--She went up to the Island to-day, sir.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'O tell me, where is Fancy bred.'
+
+"_Judge._--I don't know anything about your fancy bread, if you have
+anything to say, go on.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'We'll all go bobbing around.'
+
+"The Judge here became indignant, and demanded if he had a friend to
+become bail for him, to which query the prisoner hiccuped out,
+
+"I'll never, never find--a better friend than old dog Tray.'
+
+"_Judge._--Can't take him, he is not responsible.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'I give thee all, I can no more.'
+
+"_Judge._--It won't do, sir, I shall fine you $10.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'That's the way the money goes--pop goes the weasel.'
+
+"_Indignant Officer._--I'll pop you over the head presently.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'There's whisky in the jug.'
+
+"_Officer._--You'll be there, too, shortly.
+
+"_Judge._--If you can't pay you must go to jail.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Give me a cot in the valley I love.'
+
+"_Judge._--Very well, sir, I'll do it. Tombs, ten days.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'I dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls.'
+
+"The officer was about removing the individual below, when I came to the
+rescue, and informed the Judge that the prisoner was a friend of mine,
+that this was the first occasion in which he had ever manifested such
+eccentricities, and if he would let him off from the punishment this
+time, I would take him to his home and see that he never disturbed the
+city by his yells in the future.
+
+"The prisoner turned his eyes upon me, and again broke out:
+
+"'Good news from home, good news for me'----
+
+"'Mr. Blobb,' said the Judge, 'if I let you off this time, will you
+cease going on these drunken sprees?'
+
+"_Prisoner._--'I'll touch not, taste not, handle not, whate'er
+intoxicates.'
+
+"_Judge._--I hope that when we meet again it will be under more
+favorable auspices to yourself----
+
+"_Prisoner_ (interrupting).--'Meet me by moonlight alone, and I will
+tell thee.'
+
+"_Judge_ (resuming).--For you're in a bad plight now to appear among the
+ladies.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Oh! I'm the boy for bewitching them.'
+
+"_Judge._--Not when you're drunk, I imagine.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'A man's a man, for a' o' that.'
+
+"_Judge._--You may go, sir. Good day.
+
+"_Prisoner._--'Oh, give to me that better word that comes from the
+heart, Good bye.'
+
+"I managed to get my friend, Mr. Blobb, out of the court-room, and
+subsequently, with some difficulty, I succeeded in putting him to bed in
+my apartment, where I kept him for twenty-four hours, until he had
+recovered from his temporary aberration. He has since that time been in
+a normal state, except that he appears melancholy at times. He is well
+enough, however,----
+
+"To be here this evening," said Quackenbush, interrupting; "for know ye
+that Mr. R. Percy Delancy Blobb is now before you in the person of
+myself, and I am here to-night to ask forgiveness, which, if you don't
+give to me, I shall take immediate measures to expel you all from the
+club."
+
+It was immediately voted that Mr. Quackenbush be forgiven, on condition
+that he would disclose the facts which led to his being found a prisoner
+in the Essex Market Police Court.
+
+This, Mr. Quackenbush said he would do and do it now, and after finding
+room for a glass of ginger-wine, proceeded to narrate his experience.
+
+He stated, substantially, that the whole difficulty grew out of a love
+affair. He had become deeply infatuated with an unknown and beautiful
+blonde. He had often met her in the street, in theatres, and
+concert-rooms, and his intense admiration ripened into a deep love. He
+was unable to learn who she was until a fortnight previously, when he
+found a friend who was well acquainted with her, and who undertook to
+bring about an introduction. Things wore a brighter aspect then. The sun
+was more brilliant; the moon shed a less melancholy light; lager bier
+tasted better; oysters appeared fatter; peanuts seemed always roasted
+just enough, and, in fact, he felt quite satisfied with life, and the
+world generally, and resolved to postpone indefinitely a purpose he had
+entertained of buying three cents' worth of arsenic. But a day or two
+before the scene in the Police Court in which he figured, he found
+himself in a stage, and directly opposite was the identical object of
+his admiration and affection. He hitched from one side on his seat to
+the other; put one leg on the other, and then reversed them; looked out
+of the window, and then at her; scratched his ears; pulled up his
+collar; brushed the dust from his pantaloons; put his hands in his
+pockets; pulled them out, and did many ridiculous things which he would
+not have done had she not been present. She stopped the stage on one of
+the avenues, and handed him a five-franc piece to pay the driver. The
+driver, as usual, gave change in small pieces. He counted it to see that
+it was all right; found it to be so, and informed her of the fact. The
+streets being very muddy, he resolved to do the genteel in the way of
+assisting her out of the vehicle; made his exit; put one foot six inches
+into a mud-hole, and the other on the edge of the curb-stone; lifted the
+lady to the sidewalk in safety, at the expense of bursting off two
+suspender-buttons, and his vest-buckle, a slip down causing his nose to
+fall against the tire, his knees into the mud, his shoulder against the
+stage-steps, and caving in his hat. But all this didn't trouble him in
+the least, as he expected to be more than remunerated by an approving
+smile on the part of the lady. He turned his face towards her, and
+found her engaged in counting the change, which he had pronounced to be
+all right, as if she suspected that he would be guilty of cheating her
+out of a stray sixpence, and thus hazard his chances for salvation. The
+effect of the disappointment, on him, was frightful. He felt a sickening
+sensation; stopped at the nearest whisky-shop, and imbibed; went to
+another, and took a nip; proceeded to a third, and smiled; reached a
+fourth, and took a horn; entered a fifth, and drank, and so on, _ad
+libitum_. At last he reached Niblo's; saw a flaming poster announcing
+that Louisa Pyne was to sing in the "Crown Diamonds;" bought a ticket;
+took several drinks and a seat. His ears had become unusually critical.
+Thought he could beat Harrison singing, and to satisfy himself, he rose
+up, and commenced to slaughter a piece, which Harrison had just
+executed. There was an evident want of appreciation of his abilities,
+for he was hustled out in double-quick time. He then went to a bar-room,
+and called for something to drink, which deliberate act was the last
+circumstance he remembered, previous to recognizing Mr. Spout in his
+room in the afternoon of the following day, when he inquired of that
+gentleman if he wouldn't be so kind as to prevent the nigger boy from
+striking him on the head with a poker, as he thought he had done it long
+enough.
+
+A vote of forgiveness to Mr. Quackenbush was carried, after which the
+entire club went to sleep.
+
+
+
+
+"The Hamlet Night."
+
+   "Murder most foul, as in the best it is;
+   But this most foul, strange, and unnatural."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+A few days after the events recorded in the last chapter, a new trick
+was invented to obtain under, false pretences, the money of the public.
+A number of needy and seedy individuals having been told that in England
+several of the most distinguished literary men in that country had
+given a few theatrical exhibitions with great success, conceived the
+plan of exhibiting, in a similar manner, in the city of New York, a
+number of authors, artists and other celebrities, admitting the public
+at twenty-five cents per head. That it might look less like a humbug,
+and by way of hiding, as far as possible, the swindle which was only too
+transparent, after all, it was announced that the living poets and
+painters would be shown all alive in secure cages, undergoing a
+periodical stirring-up by the keeper, and being benevolently fed in the
+presence of the spectators afterward.
+
+Preparations had been made to secure the services of the biggest
+authors, the most notorious painters, the largest sized sculptors, the
+most melodious poets, and the most sanguinary editors the country could
+produce. The anxious world expected nothing less than to see the author
+of "Thanatopsis" appear as _Hamlet_ in black-tights and a slouched
+hat--and he who invented "Evangeline" and "Hiawatha" come on as the
+_Ghost_ with a pasteboard helmet and a horse-hair beard. Who should be
+_Laertes_ but he who "skulped" the Greek Slave, or what editor could
+play "the king" like the democratic conductor of the _Tribune_? who, in
+assuming the crown, was to doff the white hat, "positively for one
+night only?" The _Queen of Denmark_ would of course be represented by
+the architect of "Uncle Tom's Cabin," whose familiarity with courts and
+royalty would enable her to invest the character with life-like
+interest. The public had made up its mind to be content with no
+_Ophelia_ except Ruth Hall, for no one else could play the crazy scenes
+so admirably. But alas for the expectations of the misguided public--the
+illustrious individuals aforesaid would not come, and consequently the
+public were compelled to witness the consummation of the dreadful
+tragedy, by authors whose works they had never heard of; painters whose
+productions were unknown to the world, and editors whom a close
+investigation resolved into obscure scribblers.
+
+To this literary exhibition Overdale, Wagstaff, and John Spout resolved
+to go--Overdale to give the necessary explanations, Wagstaff to make a
+transcript of his friend's valuable remarks, and John Spout (himself an
+amateur artist) to see the celebrated men of his own profession, whose
+contributions to art had been so persistently kept out of sight.
+
+The performance was to take place in the Academy of Music, a building
+designed and completed by a diabolically ingenious architect, who
+endeavored to construct a theatre in such a manner that one half the
+audience could not hear, and the other half could not see, and who
+succeeded to admiration.
+
+Our friends obtained seats in that part of the house where they could
+see, though it was not possible to _hear_ a word.
+
+After a great many preliminary flourishes and false starts by the
+members of the orchestra, they set off as nearly together as they could,
+in obedience to the frantic gestures of the leader, who flourished his
+fiddle-bow with as much energy and vindictiveness as if he had been
+insanely endeavoring to kill mosquitoes with it, in forty different
+directions at once.
+
+Finally the curtain went up amid the uproarious applause of the
+assembled multitude, interrupted only by a small boy in the gallery, who
+hissed like a whole flock of enraged wild-geese, having been stationed
+there especially for the performance of this sibilant duty by an
+avenging washerwoman, to whom one of the amateurs owed four and
+sixpence; his dissenting voice was, however, soon hushed by the police,
+who put him out, and didn't give him his money back, after which the
+exhibition proceeded.
+
+To give a full description of one half of the ridiculous performances
+indulged in by these deluded persons--to tell of the new readings which
+they gave, and the old readings which they didn't give--to relate how
+carefully they avoided the traps, and with what commendable caution they
+kept away from the footlights--to give an idea of the bedlamitish
+ingenuity they had displayed in the selection of wardrobe, how each one
+had put on the most inappropriate articles imaginable, and how they
+could not have been more incongruously attired if they had been all
+dressed in sheep's grey breeches and straw hats--to dilate upon the
+disasters which befell the said wardrobe, how the tunics caught in the
+wings, and the shoulder-cloaks got singed by the side-lights; how the
+ladies' trains were in everybody's way, and their feathers in
+everybody's eyes--how, in their confusion, when they painted their
+faces, they put the wrong colors in the wrong places, and some of them
+went on with white cheeks, chalked lips, and eyebrows colored a bright
+vermilion--how the gilt crowns got bent and battered until they looked
+like ancient milk-pans with the bottoms melted out--how the flannel
+ermine on the regal calico robes got greasy, and looked like tripe--how
+the wax pearls melted and the glass ones broke--how the "supes" painted
+their whiskers uneven, and got their wigs on wrong side before--how some
+of them couldn't get their armor on at all, but how one enterprising
+individual, having succeeded to his satisfaction, came on to deliver a
+message, with his sandals in his hand, his helmet on one foot, his
+breast-plate on the other, and his leg-pieces strapped on his
+shoulders--to tell how the _Ghost_ got chilly and played the last scene
+in an overcoat, and proved that he was a substantial Native American
+Ghost, by making two extemporaneous speeches, in excellent English, to
+the audience--to do full justice to the miscellaneous assortment of
+_legs_, then and there congregated, and relate how some were bow-legs,
+and some were shingle-legs, some were broomstick-legs, some were wiry
+legs, and some were shoulder-of-mutton legs--to give an accurate
+relation of the various expedients resorted to, to remedy the most
+noticeable defects in those legs, and state that some were padded on the
+sides, and some at the ankles, and how, in not a few instances, the
+padding slipped away from its original position, thereby putting the
+calves on the shins, and causing the knees to resemble deformed
+india-rubber foot-balls--and to give a reliable history of the
+unheard-of antics indulged in by the said fantastic legs, after their
+symmetry had been perfected by the means just written--how some went
+crooked, some sideways, and some wouldn't go at all; how some minced
+with short steps, like a racking pony, and others stepped along as if
+they had seven-league boots on; how some moved with convulsive hitches,
+as if they were clockwork legs, and the springs were out of order; how
+some worked spasmodically up and down in the same place, and didn't get
+along at all, as if they were legs which had struck for higher wages;
+and how others dashed ahead, as if they did not intend to stop until
+they had transported their bewildered proprietors out of sight of the
+audience, as if they were machine legs, with the steam turned on, and
+weights on the safety-valve; how some went on the stage and wouldn't go
+off, and how others went off and wouldn't go on, until they were coaxed
+on by their agonized owners, a long time after the cue came--to tell how
+the red fire burned green, and the blue fire would not burn at all--how
+the call-boy got tipsy, and was not forthcoming--how the property-man
+fell over the sheet-iron thunder, and stuck his head into a pot of red
+paint, which made him look like a modern edition of Charles the First
+with his head cut off--how the grave-diggers got into the grave and
+couldn't get out--how _Hamlet_ and _Laertes_ could hardly get in at
+all; and how, when they did get in, they made the gravel fly--how the
+wrong men came on at the wrong time, and how, as a general thing, the
+right men didn't ever come on--how _Guildenstern_ spoke _Ophelia's_
+lines, how _Horatio_ tried to speak one of Hamlet's speeches, and danced
+a frantic hornpipe with rage because he couldn't think how it began, and
+how _Polonius_ couldn't speak at all, and so went home--how nobody could
+remember what Shakspeare said, and so everybody said what Shakspeare
+didn't say, and hadn't said, and wouldn't have said, under any
+circumstances--how some of the men swore, and some of the women wanted
+to, but postponed it, and how the butchery proceeded, with many mishaps
+and multitudinous mistakes, and how the audience applauded, and cheered,
+and laughed at the dismal tragedy, evidently considering it the
+liveliest farce of the season, are facts, falsehoods, and circumstances,
+both real and supposititious, which could not be compressed within the
+limits of a single volume.
+
+Hamlet was personated by an aspiring youth, whose physical dimensions
+were not up to the army standard, and who couldn't have gathered fruit
+from a currant-bush without high-heeled boots on; while the lady who
+represented his mother would have been compelled to stoop in order to
+pick pippins from the tallest apple-tree that ever grew. By the side of
+her illustrious son, she looked perfectly capable of taking him up in
+her arms, giving him his dinner after the usual maternal fashion, and
+afterwards disposing of him in the trundle-bed, to complete his infant
+slumbers.
+
+Overdale explained that they had tried to get a bigger _Hamlet_, but
+that, upon the whole, he thought the little fellow would "speak his
+piece" pretty well, taking into consideration the fact, that in the
+dying groans, he was supposed to have no superior.
+
+Wagstaff was totally ignorant of the plot, and as from the obfuscation
+of the performers, no one could have formed the slightest idea of what
+they were all talking about, he seemed in no very fair way to find out
+anything about it.
+
+The peculiar rendition of the story of the King of Denmark was so
+uncertain, that even John Spout found it exceedingly difficult to tell
+where they were or how they would come out, or what they intended to do
+next. He was a little uncertain whether the queen would finally subdue
+_Hamlet_, or _Hamlet_ succeed in thrashing the queen. In the closet
+scene, especially, the battle was conducted with such varying success
+that it was impossible to bet, with any kind of certainty, on the
+result, or to prognosticate, with reliability, whether _Hamlet_ would
+knock his mother down with a chair, and damage her maternal countenance
+with the heels of his boots, or whether the old lady would succeed in
+_her_ design, which was evidently to conquer her rebellious offspring,
+and give him a good spanking. Neither could he tell whether _Laertes_
+would kill _Horatio_, _Hamlet_, or the _Second Grave-digger_, who stood
+behind the wing, with his hands in his pockets, and his breeches in his
+boots. He was also a little undecided as to which was _Polonius_, and
+which was the king, and when the player queen came on, he thought it was
+only _Ophelia_, with a different-colored petticoat on. John swore the
+_Ghost_ looked as if he hadn't had any dinner, and said he was perfectly
+certain his ghostship had been refreshing his invisible bowels with a
+mug of ale, behind the scenes, because when he came on the last time,
+with the broomstick in his hand, he could see the foam on his whiskers.
+
+One of the richest and most incomprehensible scenes ever witnessed on
+the modern stage was the final one between _Hamlet_ and the _Ghost_,
+who, finding the weather chilly, had done his best to mitigate his
+sufferings by putting on an overcoat. _Hamlet_, trying to look fierce,
+holding his sword at arm's length, performing a kind of original
+fancy-dance, as he followed the spiritual remains of his ghostly father
+across the stage--_Hamlet_, the mortal, being about the size of a
+mutton-ham, while his father, the immortal, supposed to be exceedingly
+ethereal, was tall enough and stout enough for a professional
+coal-heaver, instead of an amateur ghost--the intangible spirit,
+moreover, having one hand in his overcoat pocket, to keep his fingers
+warm, while in the other he flourished a short broomstick, as if to keep
+his degenerate scion at a respectful distance, were so ludicrous, that
+John Spout seized Wagstaff's book, and produced the sketch to be found
+at the beginning of this chapter.
+
+And in the last death-scene _Hamlet_ really won such honors as were
+never before accorded to mortal tragedian; being by this time a little
+doubtful whom to kill, he made an end of the entire company in rotation.
+First, he stabbed the _King_, who rolled over once or twice, and died
+with his legs so tangled up in the _Queen's_ train that _she_ had to
+expire in a hard knot; then he stabbed _Laertes_, who died cross-legged;
+then he stabbed _Osric_; and not content with this, he tripped up his
+heels and stood on his stomach, till he died in an agony of indigestion;
+then he tried to stick _Horatio_, but only succeeded in knocking his
+wig off; and then, turning up stage, made extensive preparations for
+terminating his own existence.
+
+First, as everybody was dead, and everybody's legs were lying round
+loose, he had to lay them out of the way carefully, so as not to
+interfere with the comfort of the corpses; then he picked up all the
+swords and laid them cautiously in a corner, so that the points
+shouldn't stick in him when he fell; then he looked up at the curtain to
+see that he was clear of that, then he looked down at the traps to see
+that he was clear of them, and having at last arranged everything to his
+satisfaction, he proceeded to go systematically through his dying
+agonies, to the great satisfaction of the audience. Suffice it to say,
+that when the spasms were ended, and he had finally become a "cold
+corpus," his black tights were very dirty and had holes in the knees.
+
+When the curtain went down _Hamlet_ was too exhausted to get up, and
+instantly everybody rushed to the rescue; those he had slaughtered but a
+few minutes before, forgot their mortal wounds, and hastened to the
+murderer with something to drink. The _King_ rushed up with a pewter mug
+of beer; _Horatio_ presented the brandy-bottle; the _Ghost_ handed him a
+glass of gin and sugar; the _Queen_ gave him the little end of a
+Bologna sausage and a piece of cheese; the stage carpenter, in his
+bewilderment, could think of nothing but the glue-pot; the property man
+hastened to his aid with a tin cup full of rose-pink, and a plate-full
+of property apple-dumplings (ingeniously but deceptively constructed out
+of canvas and bran), while an insane scene-shifter first deluged him
+with water, and then offered him the bucket to dry himself with.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+John Spout, who had been behind the curtain, and witnessed this last
+performance, immediately came out, borrowed Wagstaff's notebook, and
+left therein his pictorial reminiscence of this scene as follows:
+Overdale had been profuse in his explanations of the many curious
+scenes, and Wagstaff had noted down his words carefully in his
+memorandum-book. Once when the _Ghost_ tripped and fell through the
+scenery, caving in the side of a brick house, and kicking his spiritual
+heels through the belfry of a church in the background, Overdale said
+that this was _Ophelia_, who had been taken suddenly crazy, and in her
+frenzy had imagined it necessary to hasten to the nearest grocery for a
+bar of soap to saw her leg off with. _Polonius_, he explained, was
+_Horatio_, and _Hamlet_ was a little boy who run on errands for the cook
+of the palace, by which culinary appellation he designated the Queen of
+Denmark. He said the plot of the piece was, that the king wanted to
+marry the cook, but her relatives objected to the alliance, because his
+majesty hadn't got shirts enough for a change.
+
+All of which was carefully written down by Wagstaff, with divers
+alterations, emendations, additions, and extemporaneous illustrations,
+by John Spout.
+
+This last-named individual asserts to the present time that he cannot
+tell who were the most humbugged--the people who paid their money, and
+laughed at the play under the impression that it was a farce, or the
+unfortunates who performed the play, laboring under the hallucination
+that they were acting tragedy.
+
+All were, however, satisfied, that it was a kink of the Elephant's tail,
+which he has not yet uncurled in any city of America--save Gotham.
+
+
+
+
+MRS. THROUGHBY DAYLIGHT'S FANCY DRESS JAM.
+
+   "Black spirits and white,
+   Red spirits and grey,
+   Mingle, mingle"----
+
+
+MR. Remington Dropper had a great respect for upper tendom; was almost
+inclined to admit, without question, its claims to the worship of the
+vulgar masses, and confessed that when he saw one whom he took to be a
+leader of fashion coming, he felt an involuntary movement of his right
+hand towards his hat. He admitted that he had, by this manner of doing
+indiscriminate homage to well-dressed people, on several occasions taken
+off his hat to notorious horse-jockeys, faro-dealers, and gamblers.
+
+"However," said John Spout, "if you want to go to a grand fancy dress
+ball, where you will meet all 'the world,' as these try-to-be-fashionable
+people call those who have scraped together dollars enough to entitle them
+to their royal notice, I can very easily get you an invitation. Mrs.
+Throughby Daylight, whose husband made a fortune by selling patent
+medicine, and thereby purged himself of poverty and plebeianism together,
+gives, in a short time, a grand fantasquerade, which is intended to be
+the most consolidated fancy dress jam of the season. Do you want to go?"
+
+"Go," replied Dropper, "how can I go? I don't know Mrs. Throughby
+Daylight, or Mr. Throughby Daylight, or any of the Daylights, so that
+Daylight is all moonshine."
+
+"Dropper," was the response, "you're young; I excuse that, for you can't
+help it; but you're also _green_, which I cannot forgive; your verdancy
+is particularly noticeable when you revive the absolute absurdity of
+supposing that it is necessary to be acquainted with a lady before you
+are invited to attend her parties. That antiquated idea has been long
+since exploded. Why, my dear sir, it is no more necessary that you
+should have ever previously heard of a woman whose 'jam' you receive an
+invitation to attend, than it is probable she knows who _you_ are, or
+where the devil you come from."
+
+Dropper was bewildered.
+
+"It is a positive fact," continued Spout. "Why, bless your innocent
+eyes, a woman of fashion no more knows the names of the individuals who
+attend her grand party, than she knows who took tea last night with the
+man in the moon. She merely orders music and provisions, makes out a
+list of a few persons she _must_ have, has her rooms actually measured,
+allows eight inches square to a guest; thus having estimated the number
+that can crowd into her house, she multiplies it by two, which gives the
+amount of invitations to be issued, after which she leaves the rest to
+Brown. Brown takes the list; Brown finds the required number of guests.
+Brown invites whom he pleases; Brown fills the house with people, and
+Brown, and only Brown, knows who they are, where they came from, or how
+the deuce they got their invitations."
+
+Dropper, still more bewildered, inquired who Brown was.
+
+"Brown," explained John Spout, "is the Magnus Apollo of fashionable
+society--he is the sexton of Graceless Chapel, and no one can be
+decently married, or fashionably buried without his assistance. He has a
+wedding face and a funeral face, but never forgets himself and cries
+over the bride or laughs at the mourners; he is great as a sexton, but
+it is only in his character of master of ceremonies at a party, that he
+rises into positive sublimity--he is the consoler of aspiring
+unfashionables, who have got plenty of money, and want to cut a swell,
+but don't know how to begin. He is the furnisher of raw material on
+short notice, for fashionable parties of all dimensions; his genius is
+equal to any emergency, though, as the latest fashion is to invite three
+times as many people as can get into the house at any one time, Brown is
+often put to his trumps. Mrs. Codde Fishe last week wanted to give a
+party, and, of course, called on Brown. Brown measured the parlors; they
+would only hold 1728, even by putting the chairs down cellar, and
+turning the piano up endways. Mrs. Codde Fishe was in despair. Mrs. P.
+Nutt had received 1800 at her party the night before, and if she
+couldn't have 2000 she would be ruined. Brown's genius saved her. 'Mrs.
+F.,' said he, 'though we must invite 2000 people, and though we must
+have 2000 people in the house, they need not be all there at one time,
+and they need not all stay.'
+
+"'Certainly not,' said Mrs. Fishe.
+
+"'I'll manage it,' said the indefatigable Brown--and Brown did manage
+it. He got 272 retail drygoods clerks, whom there didn't anybody know,
+dressed them in white gloves and the required fixens, so they looked
+almost as well as men. Well, sir, if you'll believe it, Brown had his
+272 clerks arrive at the door, eleven at a time, in hired
+hackney-coaches, announced them, by high-flown names, to the hostess,
+had them march in single file through the parlors to the back door,
+where he had a man waiting to conduct them over the garden-fence by a
+step-ladder, and so get them out of the way to make room for more.
+
+"Mrs. Lassiz Candee had but 1439 names on her list; she wanted 1800.
+Brown was summoned. Brown heard the trouble. Brown produced from his
+pocket a list of names twenty-one yards in length. For a moderate
+compensation he furnished Mrs. Candee with a yard and a half of literary
+celebrities, three yards of 'Shanghaes,' five yards and a quarter of
+polka dancers, and about fourteen feet of foreigners, with beards and
+moustaches for show-pieces, and to give the thing a 'researcha' look.
+
+"But, not to be too tiresome, Dropper, I am on Brown's list of
+eligibles, and can get your name added also."
+
+Remington eagerly accepted the offer, and three days after they found on
+their table two huge envelopes, addressed respectively to "Mr. John
+Spout," and "Mr. Remington Dropper." Remington, trembling with haste,
+broke open his at once, and discovered a card about the size of a
+washboard, on which was a communication to the effect that Mrs.
+Throughby Daylight requested the pleasure of the company of Mr.
+Remington Dropper, and that it was to be a fancy dress party, and he was
+requested to appear in costume, all of which he only discovered by
+calling John Spout to his assistance, who condescendingly explained
+everything.
+
+Remington was overjoyed, but in answer to all his anxious inquiries
+concerning the manner of procuring the invitation, he only elicited from
+John Spout the mysterious monosyllable, BROWN!
+
+"What does it mean by coming 'in _costume_?' How am I to dress? What
+shall I put on, and where shall I get it?" inquired he.
+
+John explained. "It means that you are to disguise yourself in an
+un-Christian attire of some description, making yourself look as unlike
+a 'human gentleman' as possible--call yourself a 'Gondolier,' a
+'Brigand,' a 'Minstrel Boy,' or some other sentimental or romantic name,
+and cut as big a splurge in your borrowed clothes as possible. If you
+know anybody who belongs to the theatre, you can easily borrow a rig; if
+not, you'll have to hire it of a Jew, and give security that you'll
+bring it back."
+
+For four days Mr. Dropper was in a state of feverish undecision
+respecting his choice of a character. At the end of that time he was
+still wavering between a "Turk," a "Monk," and "Jack Sheppard." By John
+Spout's suggestion he resolved to decide the matter by a throw of the
+dice, which method made a "Turk" of him for the eventful evening, the
+"Monk" getting deuce, ace, and a five, "Jack Sheppard" scoring but
+eleven, while his oriental highness came off victorious, by means of two
+fours and a six. John Spout was going as a Choctaw Indian, so that he
+could smoke all the time and no one would find fault and say that he was
+vulgar.
+
+The wished-for evening arrived, and Remington began to dress at four in
+the afternoon, so as to be in time. By the assistance of two Irishmen
+and a black boy he got his dress on at half-past six; and at a quarter
+to seven he sunk exhausted into a arm-chair, and went to sleep.
+
+John's own toilette was quickly made; he had borrowed his dress from a
+friend, who attended in person to put it on for him.
+
+When they were ready, the black boy was dispatched for a hack, into
+which they both got; after experiencing some difficulty from Spout's war
+club, which got tangled in Remington's trousers, and being a good deal
+exasperated by Dropper's scimitar which _would_ get between John Spout's
+legs and interfere with his breech cloth.
+
+At last they approximated the house, and their carriage took its place
+in the rear of a long line which had formed in front of Mrs. Throughby
+Daylight's mansion, and anxiously waited for those in front to move out
+of the way, and give them a chance to get out.
+
+They could hear in the distance the shrill whistle and the voice of the
+indefatigable Brown, shouting "Room for Mrs. Rosewood's carriage;"
+"Clear the way for Mrs. Fizgiggle's vehicle;" "Let Mrs. Funk's
+establishment come up;" and then Brown would disappear into the house,
+and a faint echo of Brown would be heard from the inside, announcing
+these visitors as "Mrs. Noseblood," "Mrs. Buzfiggle," and "Mrs. Junk,"
+it being a peculiarity of Brown, that although he might get the names of
+the guests right the first time, he never announced them at the door
+without some ludicrous perversion.
+
+Our friends at length attained the entrance, and, having been
+interrogated by Brown as to who they were, and having told him "a Turk"
+and "a Choctaw," they were instantly ushered by that individual into the
+presence of the versicolored crowd, and announced, in a voice of
+thunder, as "Mr. Squirt" and "Mr. Bucksaw."
+
+As they had come in a carriage and were prepared for immediate conquest,
+they had no overcoats or hats to dispose of, and were consequently
+ushered directly into the first of the three parlors, they held a
+consultation as to which was the hostess; and what the least perilous
+manner of getting at her, concluded that it was not necessary for a Turk
+or a Heathen to be so particular about the rules of Christian society,
+and so they dispensed with the usual entering salute.
+
+Remington Dropper soon found that he was not the only oriental in the
+room; there were four other Turks, and a great many Moguls, so that he
+only made up the half dozen, but he consoled himself with the reflection
+that his turban was the biggest, and that the toes of his slippers
+turned up higher than any of the rest.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But beside the "malignant and the turbaned Turks," there was a great
+variety of other unexpected characters on exhibition in Mrs. Daylight's
+apartments--kings, queens, gipsies, and highwaymen, milkmaids, who not
+only couldn't milk, but probably couldn't tell a cow from a cod-fish,
+peasant-girls with jewelry enough on for princesses, and princesses with
+red faces and feet big enough for peasants, tambourine girls begging for
+pennies which they couldn't get, and bouquet girls trying to sell
+flowers from a large assortment, consisting of two geranium leaves and a
+rose-bud, French grisettes, who couldn't speak French, and Spanish
+noblemen, who talked most unmistakable down-east Yankee, Highlanders
+with pasteboard shields and bare knees, army officers who didn't know
+how to shoulder arms, sailors who couldn't tell the keel from the
+jib-boom, or swear positively that the tiller wasn't the long-boat, the
+Queen of Sheba in gold spectacles, robbers, brigands, freebooters,
+corsairs, bandits, pirates, buccaneers, highwaymen, fillibusters, and
+smugglers in such quantities, that it might be supposed that our best
+society is two-thirds made up of these amiable persons. There were three
+Paul Prys, four Irishmen, and thirteen Yankees, equipped with jackknives
+and shingles, seven Hamlets, and fourteen Ophelias, one Lear, two
+Richards, and five Shylocks, eight Macbeths, three Fitz James, and half
+a dozen Rob Roys, who made a very respectable assortment of Scotchmen;
+there were also twenty-one monks, quite a regiment; this _was_
+considered strange, but the next day, when most of the silver was
+missing, it was immediately surmised that these reverend gentlemen were
+thieves, who had obtained surreptitious admission, and carried off the
+valuables under their priestly robes.
+
+There were also a few ladies, particular friends of the hostess, who
+appeared, by permission, in no costume more ridiculous than that which
+they were accustomed to wear daily, but who displayed the usual amount
+of whalebone developments.
+
+After the band arrived and was stationed in the conservatory out of
+sight, an attempt was made to get up a dance. Spout introduced Dropper
+to a princess of his acquaintance, and Dropper, as in duty bound, asked
+her to waltz, and actually proceeded to carry out his intention.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As some sixty other couples attempted the same feat at the same time,
+and as there wasn't room for any one man to dance without stepping on
+the heels of his neighbor, the scene instantly assumed a peculiar
+appearance. Dropper first whisked his partner against a flower girl and
+upset her basket, then against a Paul Pry, and demolished his horn
+spectacles, then he tumbled her into the stomach of a Falstaff and
+rolled him into the window curtains, then he himself stepped on the
+favorite corn of a tall Hamlet, and pushed his elbows into a Shylock and
+broke his false hooked nose, and they both concluded their gyrations by
+upsetting a couple of brigands, and marching deliberately over the
+prostrate bodies of Helen McGregor and a matchboy in their progress to a
+sofa, which they finally reached in an exhausted condition; the lady
+wanted some water, which Remington started to get but didn't come back,
+inasmuch as he hurt his shins by tumbling over a chair and fell to the
+floor, carrying with him in his descent a fairy in one hand and a Fitz
+James in the other. The crowd immediately closed around him, so that he
+could not rise, and, as he was involuntarily reposing directly upon the
+hot air register, he was more than half cooked before he got rescued
+out.
+
+The attempt to dance created also no small amount of confusion among the
+others, about twenty-five of whom were precipitated into the
+conservatory and dispersed through the orchestra. King Lear landed with
+his head in a French horn, and Byron's Corsair was seen to demolish two
+violins with his hands at precisely the same time he kicked both feet
+through the bass drum.
+
+Supper came at last, and the guests were fed in installments, as many
+getting near the tables as could crowd into the rooms. Jellies, creams,
+fruits, and the more substantial articles of the repast, were devoured,
+and scattered over the carpets, and over the dresses of the assembled
+multitude, in about equal quantities. Champagne corks flew, and all the
+men of whatever nation, trade, or occupation represented in that
+incongruous assemblage, seemed to understand perfectly well what
+champagne was. Kings drank with peasants, brigands touched glasses with
+monks, and Shylock the Jew took a friendly drink with her majesty the
+Queen of Sheba.
+
+After supper the smash recommenced, and things grew worse, and the
+characters, by continued exertion and repeated accidents, became so
+changed in appearance by the mutilation of their fancy dresses, that at
+three o'clock in the morning, no one could have picked out any one of
+the remaining guests and told whether he was intended for an Italian
+brigand or an Irish washerwoman.
+
+Our friends reached home about daylight, tired, draggled, disgusted, and
+drunk. Neither of them undressed, but both slept on the floor in the
+remains of their fancy costume, and in all their paint; they didn't get
+their faces clean for ten days, but Remington Dropper had seen the
+Elephant in one of his Fifth Avenue aspects, and was content.
+
+
+
+
+CONCLUSION.
+
+[Exeunt Omnes.]--SHAKESPEARE.
+
+
+A few days after the events recorded in the last chapter, a letter was
+received at the residence of one of the compilers of these records,
+superscribed
+
+Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
+
+The communication was signed by John Spout, and the writer, after
+apologizing for communicating with a perfect stranger, stated his
+reasons for so doing. It seems from the communication that Mr. Spout was
+informed by a friend who was in the confidence of the United States
+Marshal, that Mr. Spout and others were accustomed to meet in a room on
+Broadway, and that they were strongly suspected of being engaged in the
+organization of a fillibustering expedition to Nicaragua, and
+furthermore, that it was the intention of the officious officials of the
+United States Government to make a descent upon the premises and arrest
+all who were present on the next regular meeting. Mr. Spout had no
+difficulty in convincing his friend of the entire misapprehension of the
+officers. But in the fullness of his modesty the worthy Higholdboy
+thought that the time was not arrived when it would be prudent to
+announce to the world the fact of the existence of a scientific
+association, organized for the purpose of studying the Elephant.
+Furthermore, he did not like to be arrested, even though he would be
+acquitted, fearing that contact with stone walls might aggravate a
+chronic catarrh with which he was afflicted. Under these circumstances,
+he called a mass meeting of the members of the club, at his private
+room, where, after a session of fourteen minutes it was unanimously
+
+_Resolved_, That the Elephant Club cave in for the present, under the
+pressure of strong necessity.
+
+_Resolved_, That the landlord of the Club room whistle for the arrearage
+of rent.
+
+_Resolved_, That Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B., we have every reason to
+believe, will fully appreciate the high character of the objects of the
+Elephant Club.
+
+_Resolved_, That he is hereby authorized to go to the Elephant Club
+room, secure the records and such other property therein contained, as
+he may desire.
+
+_Resolved_, That the said Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B., is further
+authorized to compile the said records for publication, if he thinks the
+public can be induced to buy the book when it is published; and he is
+further authorized to reorganize the Club in accordance with the same
+principles of the old organization, and when the present federal
+administration goes out of power, the present members will again put on
+the scientific harness, and gladly co-operate with the club so formed,
+to secure the ends desired.
+
+In accordance with the request contained, Mr. Doesticks did go to the
+premises designated, where he found said records, and a variety of
+articles of furniture in a state of chronic demolition. The records he
+carried away--the furniture he did not. An examination of the documents
+satisfied Doesticks that if properly compiled, and published, the work
+would sell. But feeling himself incompetent to the task of preparation
+unaided--the work being of a scientific character--he decided to call to
+his assistance his friend Knight Russ Ockside. In his youth this
+gentleman had the advantage of being employed in sweeping out the
+medical college in Thirteenth street, and was once severely injured
+when young by being hit with a medical book on the head; and these facts
+it was generally conceded, in accordance with the spirit of modern
+progression, entitled him to the honorary degree of M.D. The scientific
+part of the work of compilation was therefore left to Dr. Ockside, who
+has endeavored to do full justice to the subject. Doesticks has
+reorganized the Elephant Club, and applications for membership will be
+received by him at No. 70001, Narrow street.
+
+N.B. Applicants will be particular to bring testimonials as to
+character.
+
+No persons will be received against
+whom a shadow of suspicion exists that they are of foreign birth, whilst
+to be a native would be a permanent bar to their membership.
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+THE MEMOIRS
+
+OF
+
+REV. SPENCER H. CONE, D.D.
+
+PREPARED BY HIS FAMILY
+
+_484 pp. 12mo. Bound in Muslin, Printed on fine white paper, Price $1.25_
+
+EMBELLISHED WITH A STEEL PORTRAIT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dr. Cone, late pastor of the First Baptist Church, city of New York, was
+one of the most remarkable men of the present age, his life was full of
+romance and incident, as as well as a bright example of Christian
+virtues; the volume should find a welcome at every fireside, and a place
+in every family library.
+
+Among the numerous testimonials from all sections of the country, we
+take pleasure in quoting the following:
+
+
+NOTICES OF THE PRESS.
+
+"A Biography of a famous preacher and man, written with power and
+eloquence."--_Philadelphia Evening Post._
+
+"Its perusal will be grateful to every person who admires active piety
+and can appreciate Christian virtues."--_Family Journal, Albany._
+
+"Spencer Houghton Cone, one of those good and faithful servants whose
+career exemplifies the surpassing beauty of a genuine religious life.
+The work is produced in elegant form, with a superb engraving of Dr.
+Cone. It deserves a place as a standard of good works and deeds in all
+families."--_N.Y. Daily News._
+
+"Its subject, one of the first men, and leading minds, for years, in our
+denomination, will ensure it a wide circulation."--_Richmond, Va.
+Herald._
+
+"Mr. Cone's reputation as an eloquent and fervent minister of the
+Gospel, as a strong, clear, earnest thinker, was acknowledged throughout
+the Union."--_Boston Gazette._
+
+"The book is full of interest, and we are confident will disappoint none
+who undertake its perusal."--_Salem Gazette._
+
+"America has produced but few so popular preachers, his personal
+influence was unbounded, he was indeed a man of talent, of large
+attainment in the school of Christ, a brilliant preacher, and a
+noble-hearted, zealous Christian philanthropist."--_Christian Chronicle,
+Philadelphia._
+
+"The volume is a profoundly interesting life-memorial of one of the most
+active, earnest, eloquent and sincerely religious spirits of his age and
+generation. Spencer H. Cone was a very remarkable man, and from a
+perusal of his life, we are convinced that selfishness and
+narrow-mindedness had no place in his nature. He appears to us to have
+been a model of earnestness, sincerity, activity, and intelligence."
+--_New York Evening Mirror._
+
+"The volume is a straightforward simple narrative of the public and
+private life of Dr. Cone, from his youth up to the period of his death.
+It will be read with interest by thousands out of the denomination to
+which Dr. Cone belonged, as well as by thousands of his own
+denominational friends and admirers."--_Christian Secretary, Hartford._
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
+
+310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
+
+Agents wanted to Canvass every County in the United States, who can make
+from $5 to $10 a day in selling the above popular work.
+
+Copies sent (_post paid_), to any part of the country, on receipt of
+$1.25.
+
+
+
+
+A New Book by the Author of "Our World!"
+
+A WORK OF GREAT POWER AND INTEREST.
+
+JUSTICE IN THE BY-WAYS.
+
+BY F.C. ADAMS.
+
+_12mo., Cloth, $1.25._
+
+The _Evening Post_ of June 23d says:
+
+"Shortly will be published a new work, entitled 'JUSTICE IN THE
+BY-WAYS,' from the pen of F.C. ADAMS, author of the popular anti-slavery
+novel 'OUR WORLD.'
+
+"It presents a life-like picture of that peculiar civilization which of
+late has so signally blossomed in the ruffianly achievement of Brooks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Mr. ADAMS, the author, formerly editor of the _Savannah Georgian_, is
+qualified by a residence of five years among the nullifiers of the
+Palmetto State to exhibit a correct and graphic likeness of their
+society and manners."
+
+This is emphatically a work of our age. Its life is its TRUTH. Its
+breath its FACT. It is history in the guise of fiction, history whose
+accuracy is attested by public records and State documents. Each
+character is a living reality. It is a book eminently suggestive of much
+needed moral reforms. It is not sectional. It hits North and South. It
+shows the social evils generated by Slavery in the one, and by neglected
+poverty in the other. It pictures the follies and vices of worn-out
+Southern chivalry; the crimes of the forsaken wretches in the Five
+Points; and the sordid sin which luxuriates in our Fifth Avenue palaces.
+It portrays how those who the world regard as beacons illuminating the
+paths of virtue, grovel in sensuality--sought and loved for its own
+sake; whilst the neglected of the world, in their depths of degradation,
+yet emit some rays--feeble though they be--of a soul within. In fine, it
+teaches the practical lesson that it would become the great to learn how
+a true use of their wealth and influence may benefit poor fallen
+humanity.
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
+
+310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
+
+W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper, 24 Bookman street.
+
+A Work of Unusual Interest and Merit!
+
+TO BE PUBLISHED EARLY IN SEPTEMBER,
+
+THE PAWNBROKER.
+
+OR,
+
+THE WAGES OF AVARICE.
+
+_12mo., Cloth. Price $1.25._
+
+The Publishers believe that "The Pawnbroker" is not inferior, either in
+power or interest, to any other work of Fiction that has been yet issued
+from the American Press; while the local interest it possesses, in
+consequence of its truthful delineation of New York life, forms one of
+its many attractive features. It is the production of an American lady,
+who is endowed with a fine culture, a refined and polished idea of the
+requirements of Virtue and Civilized Life; together with a clear insight
+of the human heart, whether bowed down by its own dark depravity, or
+consoled and elevated by the noble instincts of honor and truthfulness.
+But this is not all; our authoress is an Artist, and her book will do
+credit to Modern American Literature.
+
+Her Hero and Heroine are taken from the humblest walks of life; but our
+interest becomes almost at once, unconsciously enlisted in their
+welfare, and with intense excitement, pain, and hope, the thread of the
+narrative which depicts their chequered, trying and varied career, is
+perused. This effect is produced, without bombast or enervating
+sentimentality; simply because a story founded upon fact is narrated
+with becoming dignity, modesty and consummate Literary Art. The
+characters introduced throughout the work are numerous; but each
+possesses a peculiar, marked, and distinct individuality.
+
+A writer in the _Boston Literary Bulletin_ says of it:
+
+   "I have read the MS. of "The Pawnbroker." Its principal scenes are
+   laid in New York, shifting occasionally to New Orleans. It is written
+   with great force, pathos, and ingenuity; and I have no hesitation in
+   prophesying that it will be ranked with "The Lamplighter" and "The
+   Wide, Wide World." Throughout the work a moral lesson is pointed; and
+   although prolific in pictures of the most exciting nature,
+   probability is never outraged by the introduction of mysterious
+   impossibilities. It cannot fail of meeting with a large sale, and
+   enviable popularity."
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
+
+310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
+
+W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper, 24 Bookman Street.
+
+
+
+
+JUST PUBLISHED.
+
+PLU-RI-BUS-TAH:
+
+A SONG THAT'S BY NO AUTHOR.
+
+BY
+
+Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This Book contains an unlimited quantity of hits at every body, of which
+every one must good naturedly take his share, to pay for the privilege
+of laughing at his neighbors.
+
+EMBELLISHED WITH ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR ILLUSTRATIONS, BY JOHN
+MCLENAN.
+
+As a History of the Country, this book is invaluable, inasmuch as it
+notices a great many events not mentioned by Bancroft, Hildreth, or
+Prescott. As a Novel, it is unapproachable, for it contains several
+characters unknown to Cooper, Dickens, Marryatt, or Bulwer. As a
+Mythological Work, it should be immediately secured, as it makes mention
+of a number of gods and deified worthies hitherto unknown to old Jupiter
+himself. As a Poem, its claims to consideration can not be denied, as it
+comprises a great many beauties not discoverable in "The Song of
+Hiawatha," besides several Indian names which were therein omitted.
+
+12mo, Muslin, Extra Gilt, price $1 00.
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, _Publishers_,
+310 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.
+
+
+
+
+Just Published.
+
+DOESTICKS' NEW BOOK
+
+PLU-RI-BUS-TAH.
+
+A SONG THAT'S BY NO AUTHOR.
+
+BY Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
+
+_An elegant 12mo. Price $1._
+
+This volume is enjoying a greater popularity than the Author's first
+book "DOESTICKS WHAT HE SAYS," which sold the first five days of
+publication,
+
+12,773 COPIES.
+
+It contains an unlimited quantity of hits at every body, of which every
+one must good-naturedly take his share, to pay for the privilege of
+laughing at his neighbors, and _Embellished with one hundred and
+fifty-four Humorous Illustrations_, designed by John McLenan, whose
+reputation as an Artist is world-wide.
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+   Explanation--The Author's Apology--Introduction--The Pipe, and Who
+   Smoked it--Who Came and Where He Came From--Fight Number One--Who
+   Whipped, Who Died, and How Many Run Away--Fight Number Two--How Many
+   Rounds, and Who Couldn't Come to Time--A Free-Love Marriage--The
+   Gathering of the Clans--What They Went to Work at, and How Much They
+   Got a Month--How the Hero Did a Great Many Things, and Who Helped
+   Him--A Single-Handed Game of Brag--What a Woman Did--What the Hero
+   Worshipped--Fight Number Three, with Variations--Matrimonial
+   Endearments--Fight Number Four--A Compromise, and What Came of
+   it--How a Woman got her Spunk Up, and Left the Country--The
+   Consequences--Mother and Child both Doing Well--He Continues His
+   Studies--His Progress--He still Continues His Studies--His Further
+   Progress--Who Died, and What They did with Him--Funereal and
+   Solemn--A Marriage, and What Came of it--Family Jars, and a
+   Departure--Spirit Rappings and Spirit Drinking Mixed--What He
+   Didn't--What His Mother Did, and Where She Went to--Cuffee
+   Triumphant--An Unexpected Smash--Demolition of The Hero.
+
+NOTICES OF THE PRESS.
+
+   "We said of Doesticks' first work that it was a quaint teacher of
+   morality and a promoter of good works, we are ready to reiterate in
+   respect to this volume. There is not a vulgarity nor an indecency in
+   its pages, but clothed in unusual garb, the burden of its song is
+   morality, virtue, temperance, economy, patriotism. It rebukes
+   pretension, it scathes deception, it withers arrogance, it exposes
+   emptiness. Chapter IX.--What a Woman Did--is one of the best
+   arguments for national union to be found."--_Newark Daily
+   Advertiser._
+
+   "'Plu-ri-bus-tah' is a burlesque--broad almost beyond the scope of
+   the imagination."--_Charleston, S.C. Standard._
+
+   "Doesticks loves to indulge in a merry laugh at the expense of his
+   neighbors, as a good Christian is bound to do."--_New York Tribune._
+
+   "This is far the cleverest thing that Doesticks has done."--_N.Y.
+   Evening Post._
+
+   "It overflows with fun, and doctors should recommend it to all their
+   patients who may be troubled with the spleen. Every leaf contains a
+   sketch worthy of Punch."--_Boston Traveller._
+
+   "It is full of wit, sarcasm and fun. It is longer than Hiawatha,
+   broader than Hudibras, and deeper than Punch."--_Philadelphia Sun._
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
+
+310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
+
+
+
+
+DOESTICKS.
+
+[Illustration: DOESTICKS AND HIS FRIENDS.]
+
+Fully Illustrated with fine tinted Engravings, by the most eminent
+artists.
+
+An elegant 12mo. vol. bound in Muslin, gilt extra. $1.
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, Publishers, 310 Broadway, N.Y.
+
+
+
+
+A BOOK FROM "DOESTICKS."
+
+THE GREAT AMERICAN WIT AND HUMORIST!
+
+
+ORIGINAL VIEWS OF MEN AND THINGS.
+
+BY Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
+
+_Fully Illustrated by the most eminent Artists, 12mo., bound in muslin,
+gilt extra_, $1.
+
+12,773 copies of this remarkable book, were sold in five days following
+the day of publication; and from every part of the country the demand
+still continues.
+
+
+DOESTICKS:
+
+WHAT HE SAYS.
+
+
+This volume, abounding in mirth-provoking sketches of persons and
+places, filled with humor, wit, and satire, convulses the reader with
+laughter from the title-page to the close. In the language of an eminent
+journalist, who speaks of the book:
+
+"From the first word in the introduction to the last of the narrative,
+Doesticks' book is a running fire of comicality. In taking up the book,
+the reader finds himself precisely in the same condition as the man who,
+after getting into a boat, is borne down a pleasant stream independent
+of his own volition. He must go on, and he is glad to go on, too."
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+How Doesticks came to think of it; Doesticks satisfies Philander;
+Doesticks visits Niagara; Doesticks on a Bender; Seeking a Fortune;
+Railroad Felicities; Sees the Lions; Barnum's Museum; Model Boarding
+Houses; Potency of Croton Water--or an Aqueous quality hitherto unknown;
+Modern Witchcraft; City Target Excursion; A New Patent Medicine
+Operation; Doesticks Running with the "Masheen;" Street Preaching; A
+Zealous Trio; Disappointed Love; Modern Patent Piety; Church Going in
+the City; Benevolence run mad; Charitable Cheating; Millerite
+Jubilee--How they didn't go up; The Great "American Tragedian;" "Side
+Shows" of the City; New Year's Day in New York Amusement for the
+Million; A 2:40 Sleigh Ride; Cupid in Cold Weather; Valentine's Day; The
+Kentucky Tavern; The River Darkies; The Thespian Wigwam; Theatricals
+again; A Night at the Bowery; Mysterious Secrets of the K.-N.'s; A
+Midnight Initiation, Philander Fooled; A Diabolical Conspiracy; A
+Shanghae Infernal Machine; An Evening with the Spiritualists; Rampant
+Ghostology; Special Express from Dog Paradise; A Canine Ghost; 'Lection
+Day; "Paddy" _versus_ "Sam;" Police Adventures; Mayor Wood Around;
+Damphool Defunct; Place of his Exile; Description Thereof--and Exit;
+Keeping the Maine Law; Theatricals once more; Shakespeare Darkeyized;
+Macbeth in High Colors; Young America in Long Dresses; Great Excitement
+is Babydom.
+
+
+NOTICES OF THE PRESS
+
+_The Home Journal_ (_N.P. Willis, Esq., Editor_), _says_:
+
+"Things so copied, so talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be
+lent to you, so quoted and so relished and laughed over, as Doesticks'
+writings never were launched into print."
+
+"This book will 'take,' and is bound to sell."--_Boston Post._
+
+"One can read the book again and again, and not tire."--_Detroit Daily
+Advertiser._
+
+"Any mirth-inclined reader will get the book's worth of fun out of four
+chapters in the work. It is beautifully illustrated."--_N.Y. U.S.
+Journal._
+
+"We can promise our readers a hearty laugh over this book."--_New
+Bedford Mercury._
+
+"The reader is advised to see to his buttons before procuring the
+volume."--_Salem Register._
+
+"No _original_ comic writer has appeared in this country before Mr.
+Thompson, alias Doesticks; he will, we think, achieve a position as a
+literary humorist, of which he and his country will have occasion to be
+proud."--_N.Y. Critic._
+
+"We cordially recommend this volume, not only as a successful _debut_ in
+a new field of literature, but as a quaint teacher of morality, a
+promoter of good works, and an improver of public taste."--_Newark
+(N.J.) Advertiser._
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, Publishers, 310 Broadway, New York.
+
+
+
+
+DOESTICKS' BOOKS.
+
+12mo, Cloth, per Volume, $1 00.
+
+Among the numerous testimonials from the press in all sections of the
+country, we select the following, proving that the author's productions
+will be sought for and read by thousands of admirers.
+
+NOTICES OF THE PRESS.
+
+"A humorist and a satirist of a very high order. His blows are aimed
+with severe accuracy against a vast number of the follies, frailties,
+and humbugs of the day."--_Baltimore American, Md._
+
+"He shows up many of the modern popular humbugs in a very strong light,
+and handles them most unmercifully."--_Dayton (Ohio) Daily Empire._
+
+"Doesticks is a wonder. The same happy spirit seems to pervade the
+author and the artist--the illustrations of the latter are quite up to
+anything Cruikshank ever achieved in the same line. If anybody can look
+at these spiritings of the pencil without a loud laugh, he is certainly
+out of our list of even grand fellows--but to enter fully into the
+pleasing features of the work--to laugh over the jokes, to enjoy the
+home-thrusts of wit and satire, our friends must buy the book
+itself."--_Sunday Mercury, N.Y._
+
+"Doesticks is one of the few immortal names that were not born to die.
+Doesticks will always be with us. We have only to step into our library,
+and behold there is the ubiquitous Doesticks! We take him by the
+hand--we listen to the thoughts that breathe--the quaint philosophy--the
+piquant illustration! Doesticks all over--Doesticks in every page--in
+every line! Do you wish to make the acquaintance of Doesticks? Every
+body does."--_New York Railway Journal._
+
+"The illustrations are in admirable keeping with the general tone of
+these 'unprecedented extravagances,' and will help to introduce
+Doesticks and his companions to a large circle of acquaintances."
+--_McMakin's Philadelphia Saturday Courier._
+
+"'Doesticks' is irresistibly funny."--_P.T. Barnum's Letter to the N.Y.
+Tribune._
+
+"Renown has made the euphonious name of 'Doesticks' familiar to the ear
+of all the reading public throughout the length and breadth of the land.
+Those who would eschew the blues, and drive dull care away, should read
+Doesticks--what he says."--_Lansingburg Gazette, N.Y._
+
+"The 'Doesticks' book is before us. Its inimitable fun sticks to us long
+after we have shut the book--its rollicking humor comes back to us in
+gusts."--_Boston Chronicle._
+
+"Doesticks is an original genius. His book is just the thing to pick up
+at odd moments, when time hangs heavy, and the mind seeks to be
+amused."--_Gazette and Democrat, Reading, Pa._
+
+"The essays of the rich, racy, humorous, and original Doesticks will be
+read by thousands."--_New Orleans Bee._
+
+"Doesticks' fun is not of the artificial, spasmodic order, it arises
+from a keen perception of the humorous side of things."--_New York
+Tribune._
+
+"His blows at humbug are trenchant, and his sympathies are ever with
+humanity."--_Boston Evening Gazette._
+
+"Doesticks comes to us like a full and sparkling goblet, overflowing
+with the rich and brilliant sayings of an original mind. If you would
+drive away the 'Blue Devils,' purchase Doesticks, and every sketch you
+read will be better than any pill for the indigestion."--_The Uncle
+Samuel, Boston._
+
+"What Cruikshanks, Leech, or Gavarni does with the pencil, he
+accomplishes with the pen."--_The N.Y. Dutchman._
+
+"The author is a humorist and a satirist of a very high order. His blows
+are aimed with severe accuracy against a vast number of the follies,
+frailties, and humbugs of the day."--_American and Commercial
+Advertiser, Baltimore, Md._
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, _Publishers_,
+310 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.
+
+
+
+
+_Just Published._
+
+A NEW AND IMPROVED EDITION OF THE CHEAPEST AND BEST WORK ON
+ARCHITECTURE.
+
+THE CARPENTER'S ASSISTANT
+
+AND
+
+RURAL ARCHITECT.
+
+_Illustrated with upwards of Two Hundred Copper and Electrotype Plates_;
+
+Embracing the orders of Architecture, Modern and Practical Stair
+Building, Plans, Elevations, Grounds, etc., etc., of Cottages, Villas,
+and Farm Buildings, including Church Edifices.
+
+BY WILLIAM BROWN AND LEWIS E. JOY,
+
+ARCHITECTS.
+
+_Twenty-first Thousand--Large Quarto, bound in Leather_, $3 50
+_    Do.         Do.    Bound in Morocco, marble edges_,  5 00
+
+
+OPINIONS OF THE WORK:
+
+[_From the Telegraph._]
+
+This is a book which every carpenter and house builder should own.
+
+Mr. LIVERMORE:
+
+DEAR SIR,--I have deemed the "Carpenter's Assistant and Rural
+Architect," by Messrs. Brown and Joy, published by you, as one of the
+most valuable guides and books of reference in my library, and take an
+early opportunity to congratulate you on the appearance of a _new and
+improved edition_ of the work, which I have just purchased.
+
+The Lithographic Plates, comprising designs for church edifices, adds in
+my opinion a striking feature to the book, and I have no hesitation in
+averring that it will be sought for by every Architect, Builder, and
+Carpenter in our country, who wishes to possess the most concise and
+practical treatise published.
+
+Respectfully yours,
+
+SAMUEL PHILLIPS, Architect and Builder, Boston.
+
+
+_From Practical Carpenters and Architects._
+
+We, the undersigned citizens of Worcester, Mass., practical carpenters,
+are personally acquainted with William Brown, Esq., Architect, and
+author of a work, entitled the "_Carpenter's Assistant and Rural
+Architect_." We have examined that work with attention, and commend it
+to all who are interested in the study or practice of the art, as a
+valuable treatise on architecture, and it is eminently practical in its
+character. We cheerfully recommend it to the patronage of carpenters and
+the public.
+
+EDWARD LAMB,
+FREEMAN UPHAM,
+P.W. TAFT,
+J.S. WOODWORTH,
+M.H. MORSE,
+S.D. HARDING,
+W.R. BIGELOW,
+HORATIO N. TOWER.
+
+I have carefully examined the "Carpenter's Assistant and Rural
+Architect," and believe it to be a work well adapted to meet the wants
+of the practical workman, being practical in its character, and valuable
+for the perspicuity of its arrangement, clearness of its designs, and
+brevity of its explanations.
+
+I would most cheerfully recommend it to the patronage of carpenters and
+students.
+
+ELBRIDGE BOYDEN, Architect.
+
+
+Mr. BROWN:
+
+SIR,--I have examined your work on architecture, and feeling confident
+of its utility, from its extreme simplicity and singular adaptedness to
+meet the wants of the carpenters, I do cheerfully recommend it to the
+condition of every carpenter especially the apprentice, who will find
+all the rudiments of architecture necessary as well as designs for
+practice.
+
+A.L. BROOKS.
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, _Publishers_,
+310 Broadway, New York.
+
+
+
+
+A BOOK THAT WILL MAKE ITS MARK!
+
+The undersigned have the satisfaction of announcing to the Public and
+the Trade that they have just published an original work of fiction of
+unusual interest and merit, by an American author, entitled,
+
+ASPENWOLD.
+
+The claims of this work to a high place in the front rank of our
+national literature will be admitted by every reader whose critical
+abilities enable him to appreciate authorial excellence.
+
+It is written in the form of an autobiography, like the works of
+MARRYATT, and will favorably compare with the best of that popular
+writer's productions.
+
+It is free from the hackneyed incidents which comprise the principal
+stock in trade of most of our modern novelists, and is emphatically
+
+A FRESH BOOK
+
+in the ripest sense of that much-abused term.
+
+For its strength and naturalness of description, the reader will be
+reminded of COOPER; in the flowing style of its narrative, of MARRYAT;
+in the earnestness of its thought and diction, of CURRER BELL; and in
+the completeness of its characters, of CHARLES DICKENS.
+
+The power and originality of the work will ensure it a wide sale, and
+secure a popularity for its author enjoyed by few.
+
+Embellished with a beautiful Frontispiece.
+
+408 Pages, 12mo, Cloth, Price $1.25.
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, _Publishers_,
+310 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.
+
+DESIRABLE ILLUSTRATED
+
+BOOKS FOR CHILDREN.
+
+BOUND IN BOARDS, RED CLOTH BACKS.
+
+UNCLE THOMAS'S STORIES
+
+FOR GOOD CHILDREN.
+
+Square 16mo, 72 Pages each, put up in Packages of 12, $1 50.
+
+CHARLES'S JOURNEY TO FRANCE,         By MRS. BARBAULD
+STORIES ABOUT ANIMALS,               By UNCLE THOMAS
+POETICAL TALES,                      By MARY HOWITT
+STORIES OF THE MONTHS,               By MRS. BARBAULD
+PHEBE, THE BLACKBERRY GIRL,          By UNCLE THOMAS
+GRIMALKIN AND LITTLE FIDO,           By UNCLE THOMAS
+
+STORIES FOR CHILDREN,
+
+BY MRS. COLEMAN.
+
+Square 16mo, 64 Pages each, put up in Packages of 12, $1 50.
+
+CHARLES AND EMILY.
+FAITHFUL WALTER.
+ORPHAN BOY'S TRIALS.
+LITTLE DOG TRUSTY, &c., &c.
+TRUE BENEVOLENCE.
+THE CARRIER PIGEON.
+ANNA'S TRIALS.
+JOHN'S ADVENTURES.
+WENDELINE AND HER LADY-BUG.
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, _Publishers_,
+
+310 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD,
+
+PUBLISHERS AND BOOKSELLERS,
+
+NEW YORK,
+
+Having removed to their Large and Commodious Store,
+
+310 BROADWAY,
+
+Would announce to the Trade and Public, that they are prepared to supply
+at Publishers' Lowest Rates, all the Issues of the day, including
+STANDARD, MEDICAL, AND THEOLOGICAL WORKS; and having special
+arrangements with the following Houses:--
+
+PHILLIPS, SAMPSON & CO,  Boston.
+TICKNOR & FIELDS,           "
+LITTLE BROWN & CO.,         "
+CROSBY, NICHOLS & CO.,      "
+BLANCHARD & LEA,       Philadelphia.
+PARRY & McMILLAN,           "
+LINDSAY & BLAKISTONE,       "
+T.B. PETERSON,              "
+J.B. LIPPINCOTT & CO.,      "
+H.C. BAIRD,                 "
+
+Keep constantly on hand all their Publications, and supply in quantities
+at their Rates.
+
+
+BOOK AGENTS WANTED.
+
+500 FOR EACH STATE IN THE UNION.
+
+EFFICIENT AGENTS CAN MAKE FROM $4 TO $10 PER DAY.
+
+Copies of any Publication sent by Mail to any part of the Union
+(post-paid) on receipt of the price.
+
+
+LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
+
+310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY AND RECORDS OF THE
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