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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/31884-8.txt b/31884-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fba01eb --- /dev/null +++ b/31884-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5689 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guest at the Ludlow and Other Stories, by +Edgar Wilson (Bill) Nye + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Guest at the Ludlow and Other Stories + +Author: Edgar Wilson (Bill) Nye + +Release Date: April 4, 2010 [EBook #31884] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GUEST AT THE LUDLOW *** + + + + +Produced by D Alexander and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + A GUEST + AT THE LUDLOW + + AND OTHER STORIES + + BY + + EDGAR WILSON NYE + + [BILL NYE] + + _WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY + LOUIS BRAUNHOLD_ + + [Illustration] + + INDIANAPOLIS AND KANSAS CITY + + THE BOWEN-MERRILL COMPANY + + M DCCC XCVII + + + Copyright, 1896 + + BY + + THE BOWEN-MERRILL CO. + + + + +A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW + + + + +[Illustration: _You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get +here, or you can put some other man's nickel in your own slot and come +here with an attendant_ (Page 2)] + + * * * * * + +This volume was prepared for publication by the author a few months +before his death, and is now published by arrangement with Mrs. Edgar +Wilson Nye. + + * * * * * + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE. + + I. A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW 1 + + II. OLD POLKA DOT'S DAUGHTER 13 + + III. A GREAT CEREBRATOR 22 + + IV. HINTS FOR THE HOUSEHOLD 33 + + V. A JOURNEY WESTWARD 42 + + VI. A PROPHET AND A PIUTE 52 + + VII. THE SABBATH OF A GREAT AUTHOR 64 + + VIII. A FLYER IN DIRT 69 + + IX. A SINGULAR "HAMLET" 81 + + X. MY MATRIMONIAL BUREAU 92 + + XI. THE HATEFUL HEN 99 + + XII. AS A CANDIDATE 108 + + XIII. SUMMER BOARDERS AND OTHERS 123 + + XIV. THREE OPEN LETTERS 134 + + XV. THE DUBIOUS FUTURE 144 + + XVI. EARNING A REWARD 156 + + XVII. A PLEA FOR JUSTICE 162 + + XVIII. GRAINS OF TRUTH 168 + + XIX. A SCAMPER THROUGH THE PARK 179 + + XX. HINTS TO THE TRAVELER 187 + + XXI. A MEDIEVAL DISCOVERER 201 + + XXII. HOW TO PICK OUT A BIRTHPLACE 208 + + XXIII. ON BROADWAY 218 + + XXIV. MY TRIP TO DIXIE 222 + + XXV. THE THOUGHT CLOTHIER 228 + + XXVI. A RUBBER ESOPHAGUS 233 + + XXVII. ADVICE TO A SON 243 + + XXVIII. THE AUTOMATIC BELL BOY 254 + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + + PAGE + + You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get here, or + you can put some other man's nickel in your own slot and + come here with an attendant _Frontispiece_ + + His old look of apprehensive cordiality did not leave him until + he had seen me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and start + for home 15 + + Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and hit him a + smart, stinging blow with a black snake 27 + + My idea was to apply it to the wall mostly, but the chair tipped, + and so I papered the piano and my wife on the way down 36 + + Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear their young, + but people never go there 45 + + I improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of the beautiful + and picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians 57 + + He sometimes succeeds in getting himself disliked by some other + dog and then I can observe the fight 67 + + Then rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off into the + scrub pine, carrying with me a large board 74 + + He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should say, + "Have you got any more of that there red paint left?" 105 + + "Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I thank + God that you are POOR!!!" 115 + + Three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in activity as in + repose, hence the hornets' nests introduced by me last season 124 + + Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of pounding + on the floor with the butt of the cue ever and anon, produces + at last optical illusions 149 + + Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the + wild and disappointed yells of the Salvation army 159 + + "I was in a large, cool hosspital which smelt strong of some forrin + substans. The hed doctor had been breathing on me and so I + come too" 163 + + Said the Governor as he swung around with his feet over in our + part of the carriage and asked me for a light 181 + + He therefore had to borrow a bald-headed man to act as bust for + him in the evening 194 + + It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a lamp in a + church, and observing that the oscillations were of equal duration 202 + + Here Andrew turned the grindstone in the shed, while a large, + heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour or two 210 + + "A man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor of Boston, + but my idee is that he's a heap more likely to be mayor of the + New Jerusalem" 220 + + I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale, sallow liar, who is just + beginning to work his way up to the forty-ninth degree in the + Order of Ananias 222 + + In hotels it will take the mental strain off the bell-boy, relieving + him also of a portion of his burdensome salary at the same + time 256 + + + + +A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW + +I + + +We are stopping quietly here, taking our meals in our rooms mostly, and +going out very little indeed. When I say we, I use the term editorially. + +We notice first of all the great contrast between this and other hotels, +and in several instances this one is superior. In the first place, there +is a sense of absolute security when one goes to sleep here that can not +be felt at a popular hotel, where burglars secrete themselves in the +wardrobe during the day and steal one's pantaloons and contents at +night. This is one of the compensations of life in prison. + +Here the burglars go to bed at the hour that the rest of us do. We all +retire at the same time, and a murderer can not sit up any later at +night than the smaller or unknown criminal can. + +You can get to Ludlow Street Jail by taking the Second avenue Elevated +train to Grand street, and then going east two blocks, or you can fire a +shotgun into a Sabbath-school. + +You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get here, or you can +put some other man's nickel in your own slot and come here with an +attendant. + +William Marcy Tweed was the contractor of Ludlow Street Jail, and here +also he died. He was the son of a poor chair-maker, and was born April +3, 1823. From the chair business in 1853 to congress was the first false +step. Exhilarated by the delirium of official life, and the false joys +of franking his linen home every week, and having cake and preserves +franked back to him at Washington, he resolved to still further taste +the delights of office, and in 1857 we find him as a school +commissioner. + +In 1860 he became Grand Sachem of the Tammany Society, an association at +that time more purely political than politically pure. As president of +the board of supervisors, head of the department of public works, state +senator, and Grand Sachem of Tammany, Tweed had a large and seductive +influence over the city and state. The story of how he earned a scanty +livelihood by stealing a million of dollars at a pop, and thus, with the +most rigid economy, scraped together $20,000,000 in a few years by +patient industry and smoking plug tobacco, has been frequently told. + +Tweed was once placed here in Ludlow Street Jail in default of +$3,000,000 bail. How few there are of us who could slap up that amount +of bail if rudely gobbled on the street by the hand of the law. While +riding out with the sheriff, in 1875, Tweed asked to see his wife, and +said he would be back in a minute. + +He came back by way of Spain, in the fall of '76, looking much improved. +But the malaria and dissipation of Blackwell's Island afterwards +impaired his health, and having done time there, and having been +arrested afterwards and placed in Ludlow Street Jail, he died here +April 12, 1878, leaving behind him a large, vain world, and an equally +vain judgment for $6,537,117.38, to which he said he would give his +attention as soon as he could get a paving contract in the sweet +ultimately. + +From the exterior Ludlow Street Jail looks somewhat like a conservatory +of music, but as soon as one enters he readily discovers his mistake. +The structure has 100 feet frontage, and a court, which is sometimes +called the court of last resort. The guest can climb out of this court +by ascending a polished brick wall about 100 feet high, and then letting +himself down in a similar way on the Ludlow street side. + +That one thing is doing a great deal towards keeping quite a number of +people here who would otherwise, I think, go away. + +James D. Fish and Ferdinand Ward both remained here prior to their +escape to Sing Sing. Red Leary, also, made his escape from this point, +but did not succeed in reaching the penitentiary. Forty thousand +prisoners have been confined in Ludlow Street Jail, mostly for civil +offenses. A man in New York runs a very short career if he tries to be +offensively civil. + +As you enter Ludlow Street Jail the door is carefully closed after you, +and locked by means of an iron lock about the size of a pictorial family +Bible. You then remain on the inside for quite a spell. You do not hear +the prattle of soiled children any more. All the glad sunlight, and +stench-condensing pavements, and the dark-haired inhabitants of +Rivington street, are seen no longer, and the heavy iron storm-door +shuts out the wail of the combat from the alley near by. Ludlow Street +Jail may be surrounded by a very miserable and dirty quarter of the +city, but when you get inside all is changed. + +You register first. There is a good pen there that you can write with, +and the clerk does not chew tolu and read a sporting paper while you +wait for a room. He is there to attend to business, and he attends to +it. He does not seem to care whether you have any baggage or not. You +can stay here for days, even if you don't have any baggage. All you +need is a kind word and a mittimus from the court. + +One enters this sanitarium either as a boarder or a felon. If you decide +to come in as a boarder, you pay the warden $15 a week for the privilege +of sitting at his table and eating the luxuries of the market. You also +get a better room than at many hotels, and you have a good strong door, +with a padlock on it, which enables you to prevent the sudden and +unlooked-for entrance of the chambermaid. It is a good-sized room, with +a wonderful amount of seclusion, a plain bed, table, chairs, carpet and +so forth. After a few weeks at the seaside, at $19 per day, I think the +room in which I am writing is not unreasonable at $2. + +Still, of course, we miss the sea breeze. + +You can pay $50 to $100 per week here if you wish, and get your money's +worth, too. For the latter sum one may live in the bridal chamber, so to +speak, and eat the very best food all the time. + +Heavy iron bars keep the mosquitoes out, and at night the house is +brilliantly lighted by incandescent lights of one-candle power each. +Neat snuffers, consisting of the thumb and forefinger polished on the +hair, are to be found in each occupied room. + +Bread is served to the Freshmen and Juniors in rectangular wads. It is +such bread as convicts' tears have moistened many thousand years. In +that way it gets quite moist. + +The most painful feature about life in Ludlow Street Jail is the +confinement. One can not avoid a feeling of being constantly hampered +and hemmed in. + +One more disagreeable thing is the great social distinction here. The +poor man who sleeps in a stone niche near the roof, and who is +constantly elbowed and hustled out of his bed by earnest and restless +vermin with a tendency toward insomnia, is harassed by meeting in the +court-yard and corridors the paying boarders who wear good clothes, live +well, have their cigars, brandy and Kentucky Sec all the time. + +The McAllister crowd here is just as exclusive as it is on the outside. + +But, great Scott! what a comfort it is to a man like me, who has been +nearly killed by a cyclone, to feel the firm, secure walls and solid +time lock when he goes to bed at night! Even if I can not belong to the +400, I am almost happy. + +We retire at 7:30 o'clock at night and arise at 6:30 in the morning, so +as to get an early start. A man who has five or ten years to stay in a +place like this naturally likes to get at it as soon as possible each +day, and so he gets up at 6:30. + +We dress by the gaudy light of the candle, and while we do so, we +remember far away at home our wife and the little boy asleep in her +arms. They do not get up at 6:30. It is at this hour we remember the +fragrant drawer in the dresser at home where our clean shirts, and +collars and cuffs, and socks and handkerchiefs, are put every week by +our wife. We also recall as we go about our stone den, with its odor of +former corned beef, and the ghost of some bloody-handed predecessor's +snore still moaning in the walls, the picture of green grass by our own +doorway, and the apples that were just ripening, when the bench warrant +came. + +The time from 6:30 to breakfast is occupied by the average, or +non-paying inmate, in doing the chamberwork and tidying up his +state-room. I do not know how others feel about it, but I dislike +chamberwork most heartily, especially when I am in jail. Nothing has +done more to keep me out of jail, I guess, than the fact that while +there I have to make up my bed and dust the piano. + +Breakfast is generally table d'hôte and consists of bread. A tin-cup of +coffee takes the taste of the bread out of your mouth, and then if you +have some Limburger cheese in your pocket you can with that remove the +taste of the coffee. + +Dinner is served at 12 o'clock, and consists of more bread with soup. +This soup has everything in it except nourishment. The bead on this soup +is noticeable for quite a distance. It is disagreeable. Several days ago +I heard that the Mayor was in the soup, but I didn't realize it before. +I thought it was a newspaper yarn. There is everything in this soup, +from shop-worn rice up to neat's-foot oil. Once I thought I detected +cuisine in it. + +The dinner menu is changed on Fridays, Sundays and Thursdays, on which +days you get the soup first and the bread afterwards. In this way the +bread is saved. + +Three days in a week each man gets at dinner a potato containing a +thousand-legged worm. At 6 o'clock comes supper with toast and +responses. Bread is served at supper time, together with a cup of tea. +To those who dislike bread and never eat soup, or do not drink tea or +coffee, life at Ludlow Street Jail is indeed irksome. + +I asked for kumiss and a pony of Benedictine, as my stone boudoir made +me feel rocky, but it has not yet been sent up. + +Somehow, while here, I can not forget poor old man Dorrit, the Master of +the Marshalsea, and how the Debtors' Prison preyed upon his mind till he +didn't enjoy anything except to stand off and admire himself. Ludlow +Street Jail is a good deal like it in many ways, and I can see how in +time the canker of unrest and the bitter memories of those who did us +wrong but who are basking in the bright and bracing air, while we, to +meet their obligations, sacrifice our money, our health and at last our +minds, would kill hope and ambition. + +In a few weeks I believe I should also get a preying on my mind. That is +about the last thing I would think of preying on, but a man must eat +something. + +Before closing this brief and incomplete account as a guest at Ludlow +Street Jail I ought, in justice to my family, to say, perhaps, that I +came down this morning to see a friend of mine who is here because he +refuses to pay alimony to his recreant and morbidly sociable wife. He +says he is quite content to stay here, so long as his wife is on the +outside. He is writing a small ready-reference book on his side of the +great problem, "Is Marriage a Failure?" + +With this I shake him by the hand and in a moment the big iron +storm-door clangs behind me, the big lock clicks in its hoarse, black +throat and I welcome even the air of Ludlow street so long as the blue +sky is above it. + + + + +OLD POLKA DOT'S DAUGHTER + +II + + +I once decided to visit an acquaintance who had named his country place +"The Elms." I went partly to punish him because his invitation was so +evidently hollow and insincere. + +He had "The Elms" worked on his clothes, and embossed on his stationery +and blown in his glass, and it pained him to eat his food from table +linen that didn't have "The Elms" emblazoned on it. He told me to come +and surprise him any time, and shoot in his preserves, and stay until +business compelled me to return to town again. He had no doubt heard +that I never surprise any one, and never go away from home very much, +and so thought it would be safe. Therefore I went. I went just to teach +him a valuable lesson. When I go to visit a man for a week, he is +certainly thenceforth going to be a better man, or else punishment is of +no avail and the chastening rod entirely useless in his case. + +"The Elms" was a misnomer. It should have been called "The Shagbark" or +"The Doodle Bug's Lair." It was supposed to mean a wide sweep of meadow, +a vine covered lodge, a broad velvet lawn, and a carriage way, where the +drowsy locust, in the sensuous shadow of magnanimous elms, gnawed a file +at intervals through the day, while back of all this the mossy and +gray-whiskered front and corrugated brow of the venerable architectural +pile stood off and admired itself in the deep and glassy pool at its +base. + +In the first place none of the yeomanry for eight miles around knew that +he called his old malarial tank "The Elms," so it was hard to find. But +when I described the looks of the lord of The Elms they wink at each +other and wagged their heads and said, "Oh, yes, we know him," also +interjecting well known one syllable words that are not euphonious +enough to print. + +[Illustration: ... "_His old look of apprehensive cordiality did not +leave him until he had seen me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and +start for home_" (Page 15)] + +When I got there he was down cellar sprouting potatoes, and his wife +was hanging out upon the clothes line a pair of gathered summer trousers +that evidently were made for a man who had been badly mangled in a +saw-mill. + +The Elms was not even picturesque, and the preserves were out of order. +I was received with the same cordiality which you detect on the face of +any other kind of detected liar. He wanted to be regarded as a +remarkable host and landed proprietor, without being really hospitable. +I remained there at The Elms a few days, rubbing rock salt and Cayenne +pepper into the wounds of my host, and suggesting different names for +his home, such as "The Tom Tit's Eyrie," "The Weeping Willow," "The +Crook Neck Squash" and "The Muskrat's Retreat." Then I came away. His +old look of apprehensive cordiality did not leave him until he had seen +me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and start for home. + +During my brief sojourn I noticed that the surrounding country was full +of people, and I presume there was a larger population of "boarders," as +we were called indiscriminately, than ever before. The number of +available points to which the victims of humidity and poor plumbing may +retreat in summer time is constantly on the increase, while, so far as I +know, all the private and public boarding places are filled to their +utmost capacity. Everywhere, the gaudy boarder in flannels and ecru +shoes looms upon the green lawn or the brown dirt road, or scales the +mountain one day and stays in bed the following week, rubbing James B. +Pond's Extract on his swollen joints. + +I scaled Mount Utsa-yantha in company with others. We picked out a nice +hot day, and, selecting the most erect wall of the mountain, facing +west, we scaled it in such a way that it will not have to be done again +till new scales grow on it. + +Mount Utsa-yantha is 3,365 feet above sea level, and has a brow which +reminds me of mine. It is broad, massive and bleak. The foot of the +mountain is more massive, however. From the top of the mountain one +gets, with a good glass, a view of six or seven states, I was told. +Possibly there were that many in sight, though at that season of the +year states look so much alike that it takes an expert to pick them out +readily. When states are moulting, it is all I can do to tell Vermont +from Massachusetts. On this mountain one gets a nice view and highly +exhilarating birch beer. + +Albany can be distinctly seen with a glass--a field glass, I mean, not a +glass of birch beer. Some claim that the nub of a political boom may be +seen protruding from the Capitol with the nude vision. Others say they +can see the Green mountains, and as far south as the eye can reach. We +took two hours and a half for the ascent of the mountain, and came down +in about twenty minutes. We descended ungracefully--the way the Irishman +claimed that the toad walked, viz.: "git up and sit down." + +Mount Utsa-yantha--I use the accepted orthography as found in the +Blackhawk dictionary--has a legend also. Many centuries ago this +beautiful valley was infested by the red brother and his bronze progeny. +Where now the red and blue blazer goes shimmering through the swaying +maples, and the girl with her other dress on and her straw colored +canvas cinch knocketh the croquet ball galley west, once there dwelt an +old chief whom we will call Polka Dot, the pride of his people. He +looked somewhat like William Maxwell Evarts, but was a heavier set man. +Places where old Polka Dot sat down and accumulated rest for himself are +still shown to city people whose faith was not overworked while young. + +Old Polka Dot was a firm man, with double teeth all around, and his +prowess got into the personal columns of the papers every little while. +He had a daughter named Utsa-yantha, which means "a messenger sent +hastily for treasure," so I am told, or possibly old Polka Dot meant to +imply "one sent off for cash." + +Anyhow Utsa-yantha grew to be quite comely, as Indian women go. I never +yet saw one that couldn't stop an ordinary planet by looking at it +steadily for two minutes. She dressed simply, wearing the same clothes +while tooling cross-country before breakfast that she wore at the scalp +dance the evening before. In summer time she shellacked herself and +visited the poor. Taking a little box of water colors in a shawl strap, +so that she could change her clothes whenever she felt like it, she +would go away and be gone for a fortnight at a time, visiting the ultra +fashionable people of her tribe. + +Finally a white man penetrated this region. He did it by asking a +brakeman on the West Shore road how to get here and then doing +differently. In that way he had no trouble at all. He saw Utsa-yantha +and loved her almost instantly. She was skinning a muskrat at the time, +and he could not but admire her deftness and skill. From that moment he +was not able to drive her image from his heart. He sought her again and +again to tell her of his passion, but she would jump the fence and flee +like a frightened fawn with a split stick on its tail, if such a +comparison may be permitted. At last he won her, and married her quietly +in his working clothes. The nearest justice of the peace was then in +England, and so rather than wait he was married informally to +Utsa-yantha, and she went home very much impressed indeed. That fall a +little russet baby came to bless their union. The blessing was all he +had with him when he arrived. + +Then the old chief Polka Dot arose in his wrath, to which he added a +pair of moose hide moccasins, and he upbraided his daughter for her +conduct. He upbraided her with a piazza pole from his wigwam. He was +very much agitated. So was the pole. + +Then he cursed her for being the mother of a 1/2 breed child, and +stalking 1/4 he slew the white man by cutting open his trunk and +disarranging his most valuable possessions. He then wiped the stab +knife on his tossing mane, and grabbing his grandson by his swaddling +clothes he hurled the surprised little stranger into Lake Utsa-yantha. +By pouring another pailful of water into the lake the child was +successfully drowned. + +Then the widowed and childless Utsa-yantha came forth as night settled +down upon the beautiful valley and the day died peacefully on the +mountain tops. Her eyes were red with weeping and her breath was +punctuated with sobs. Putting on a pair of high rubber boots she waded +out into the middle of the lake, where there is quite a deep place, and +drowned herself. + +When the old man found the body of his daughter he was considerably +mortified. He took her to the top of the mountain and buried her there, +and ever afterward, it is said, whenever any one spoke of the death of +his daughter and her family, he would color up and change the subject. + +This should teach us never to kill a son-in-law without getting his +wife's consent. + + + + +A GREAT CEREBRATOR + +III + + +Being at large in Virginia, along in the latter part of last season, I +visited Monticello, the former home of Thomas Jefferson, also his grave. +Monticello is about an hour's ride from Charlottesville, by diligence. +One rides over a road constructed of rip-raps and broken stone. It is +called a macadamized road, and twenty miles of it will make the pelvis +of a long-waisted man chafe against his ears. I have decided that the +site for my grave shall be at the end of a trunk line somewhere, and I +will endow a droska to carry passengers to and from said grave. + +Whatever my life may have been, and however short I may have fallen in +my great struggle for a generous recognition by the American people, I +propose to place my grave within reach of all. + +Monticello is reached by a circuitous route to the top of a beautiful +hill, on the crest of which rests the brick house where Mr. Jefferson +lived. You enter a lodge gate in charge of a venerable negro, to whom +you pay two bits apiece for admission. This sum goes towards repairing +the roads, according to the ticket which you get. It just goes toward +it, however; it don't quite get there, I judge, for the roads are still +appealing for aid. Perhaps the negro can tell how far it gets. Up +through a neglected thicket of Virginia shrubs and ill-kempt trees you +drive to the house. It is a house that would readily command $750, with +queer porches to it, and large, airy windows. The top of the whole hill +was graded level, or terraced, and an enormous quantity of work must +have been required to do it, but Jefferson did not care. He did not care +for fatigue. With two hundred slaves of his own, and a dowry of three +hundred more which was poured into his coffers by his marriage, Jeff did +not care how much toil it took to polish off the top of a bluff or how +much the sweat stood out on the brow of a hill. + +Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence. He sent it to one of +the magazines, but it was returned as not available, so he used it in +Congress and afterward got it printed in the _Record_. + +I saw the chair he wrote it in. It is a plain, old-fashioned wooden +chair, with a kind of bosom-board on the right arm, upon which Jefferson +used to rest his Declaration of Independence whenever he wanted to write +it. + +There is also an old gig stored in the house. In this gig Jefferson used +to ride from Monticello to Washington in a day. This is untrue, but it +goes with the place. It takes from 8:30 A. M. until noon to ride this +distance on a fast train, and in a much more direct line than the old +wagon road ran. + +Mr. Jefferson was the father of the University of Virginia, one of the +most historic piles I have ever clapped eyes on. It is now under the +management of a classical janitor, who has a tinge of negro blood in his +veins, mixed with the rich Castilian blood of somebody else. + +He has been at the head of the University of Virginia for over forty +years, bringing in the coals and exercising a general oversight over the +curriculum and other furniture. He is a modest man, with a tendency +toward the classical in his researches. He took us up on the roof, +showed us the outlying country, and jarred our ear-drums with the big +bell. Mr. Estes, who has general charge of Monticello--called +Montechello--said that Mr. Jefferson used to sit on his front porch with +a powerful glass, and watch the progress of the work on the University, +and if the workmen undertook to smuggle in a soft brick, Mr. Jefferson, +five or six miles away, detected it, and bounding lightly into his +saddle, he rode down there to Charlottesville, and clubbed the +bricklayers until they were glad to pull down the wall to that brick and +take it out again. + +This story is what made me speak of that section a few minutes ago as an +outlying country. + +The other day Charles L. Seigel told us the Confederate version of an +attack on Fort Moultrie during the early days of the war, which has +never been printed. Mr. Seigel was a German Confederate, and early in +the fight was quartered, in company with others, at the Moultrie House, +a seaside hotel, the guests having deserted the building. + +Although large soft beds with curled hair mattresses were in each room, +the department issued ticks or sacks to be filled with straw for the use +of the soldiers, so that they would not forget that war was a serious +matter. Nobody used them, but they were there all the same. + +Attached to the Moultrie House, and wandering about the back-yard, there +was a small orphan jackass, a sorrowful little light blue mammal, with a +tinge of bitter melancholy in his voice. He used to dwell on the past a +good deal, and at night he would refer to it in tones that were choked +with emotion. + +The boys caught him one evening as the gloaming began to arrange itself, +and threw him down on the green grass. They next pulled a straw bed over +his head, and inserted him in it completely, cutting holes for his +legs. Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and hit him a +smart, stinging blow with a black snake. + +[Illustration: _Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and +hit him a smart, stinging blow with a black snake_ (Page 27)] + +Probably that was what suggested to him the idea of strolling down the +beach, past the sentry, and on toward the fort. The darkness of the +night, the rattle of hoofs, the clash of the bells, the quick challenge +of the guard, the failure to give the countersign, the sharp volley of +the sentinels, and the wild cry, "to arms," followed in rapid +succession. The tocsin sounded, also the slogan. The culverin, ukase, +and door-tender were all fired. Huge beacons of fat pine were lighted +along the beach. The whole slumbering host sprang to arms, and the crack +of the musket was heard through the intense darkness. + +In the morning the enemy was found intrenched in a mud-hole, south of +the fort, with his clean new straw tick spattered with clay, and a +wildly disheveled tail. + +On board the Richmond train not long ago a man lost his hat as we pulled +out of Petersburg, and it fell by the side of the track. The train was +just moving slowly away from the station, so he had a chance to jump off +and run back after it. He got the hat, but not till we had placed seven +or eight miles between us and him. We could not help feeling sorry for +him, because very likely his hat had an embroidered hat band in it, +presented by one dearer to him than life itself, and so we worked up +quite a feeling for him, though of course he was very foolish to lose +his train just for a hat, even if it did have the needle-work of his +heart's idol in it. + +Later I was surprised to see the same man in Columbia, South Carolina, +and he then told me this sad story: + +"I started out a month ago to take a little trip of a few weeks, and the +first day was very, very happily spent in scrutinizing nature and +scanning the faces of those I saw. On the second day out, I ran across a +young man whom I had known slightly before, and who is engaged in the +business of being a companionable fellow and the life of the party. That +is about all the business he has. He knows a great many people, and his +circle of acquaintances is getting larger all the time. He is proud of +the enormous quantity of friendship he has acquired. He says he can't +get on a train or visit any town in the Union that he doesn't find a +friend. + +"He is full of stories and witticisms, and explains the plays to theater +parties. He has seen a great deal of life and is a keen critic. He would +have enjoyed criticising the Apostle Paul and his elocutionary style if +he had been one of the Ephesians. He would have criticised Paul's +gestures, and said, 'Paul, I like your Epistles a heap better than I do +your appearance on the platform. You express yourself well enough with +your pen, but when you spoke for the Ephesian Y. M. C. A., we were +disappointed in you and we lost money on you.' + +"Well, he joined me, and finding out where I was going, he decided to go +also. He went along to explain things to me, and talk to me when I +wanted to sleep or read the newspaper. He introduced me to large numbers +of people whom I did not want to meet, took me to see things I didn't +want to see, read things to me that I didn't want to hear, and +introduced to me people who didn't want to meet me. He multiplied misery +by throwing uncongenial people together and then said: 'Wasn't it lucky +that I could go along with you and make it pleasant for you?' + +"Everywhere he met more new people with whom he had an acquaintance. He +shook hands with them, and called them by their first names, and felt in +their pockets for cigars. He was just bubbling over with mirth, and +laughed all the time, being so offensively joyous, in fact, that when he +went into a car, he attracted general attention, which suited him +first-rate. He regarded himself as a universal favorite and all-round +sunbeam. + +"When we got to Washington, he took me up to see the President. He knew +the President well--claimed to know lots of things about the President +that made him more or less feared by the administration. He was +acquainted with a thousand little vices of all our public men, which +virtually placed them in his power. He knew how the President conducted +himself at home, and was 'on to everything' in public life. + +"Well, he shook hands with the President, and introduced me. I could see +that the President was thinking about something else, though, and so I +came away without really feeling that I knew him very well. + +"Then we visited the departments, and I can see now that I hurt myself +by being towed around by this man. He was so free, and so joyous, and so +bubbling, that wherever we went I could hear the key grate in the lock +after we passed out of the door. + +"He started south with me. He was going to show me all the +battle-fields, and introduce me into society. I bought some strychnine +in Washington, and put it in his buckwheat cakes; but they got cold, and +he sent them back. I did not know what to do, and was almost wild, for I +was traveling entirely for pleasure, and not especially for his pleasure +either. + +"At Petersburg I was told that the train going the other way would meet +us. As we started out, I dropped my hat from the window while looking +at something. It was a desperate move, but I did it. Then I jumped off +the train, and went back after it. As soon as I got around the curve I +ran for Petersburg, where I took the other train. I presume you all felt +sorry for me, but if you'd seen me fold myself in a long, passionate +embrace after I had climbed on the other train, you would have changed +your minds." + +He then passed gently from my sight. + + + + +HINTS FOR THE HOUSEHOLD + +IV + + +There are a great many pleasures to which we may treat ourselves very +economically if we go at it right. In this way we can, at a slight +expense, have those comforts, and even luxuries, for which we should +otherwise pay a great price. + +Costly rugs and carpets, though beautiful and rich in appearance, +involve such an outlay of money that many hesitate about buying them; +but a very tasty method of treating floors inexpensively consists in +staining the edge for several feet in width, leaving the center of the +room to be covered by a large rug. Staining for the floor maybe easily +made, by boiling maple bark, twenty parts; pokeberry juice, +twenty-five parts; hazel brush, thirty parts, and sour milk, twenty-five +parts, until it becomes about the consistency of the theory of infant +damnation. Let it stand a few weeks, until the rich flavor has died +down, so that you can look at it for quite a while without nausea; then +add vinegar and copperas to suit the taste, and apply by means of a +whisk broom. When dry, help yourself to some more of it. This gives the +floor a rich pauper's coffin shade, over which shellac or cod liver oil +should be applied. + +Rugs may be made of coffee sacking or Turkish gunny-rest sacks, inlaid +with rich designs in red yarn, and a handsome fringe can be added by +raveling the edges. + +A beautiful receptacle for soiled collars and cuffs may be made by +putting a cardboard bottom in a discarded and shattered coal scuttle, +gilding the whole and tying a pale blue ribbon on the bail. + +A cheap and very handsome easy-chair can be constructed by sawing into a +flour barrel and removing less than half the length of staves for +one-third the distance around, then fasten inside a canvas or duck seat, +below which the barrel is filled with bran. + +A neat little mackerel tub makes a most appropriate foot-stool for this +chair, and looks so unconventional and rustic that it wins every one at +once. Such a chair should also have a limited number of tidies on its +surface. Otherwise it might give too much satisfaction. A good style of +inexpensive tidy is made by poking holes in some heavy, strong goods, +and then darning up these holes with something else. The darned tidy +holds its place better, I think, and is more frequently worn away on the +back of the last guest than any other. + +This list might be prolonged almost indefinitely, and I should be glad +to write my own experience in the line of experiment, if it were not for +the danger of appearing egotistical. For instance, I once economized in +the matter of paper-hanging, deciding that I would save the +paper-hanger's bill and put the money into preferred trotting stock. + +So I read a recipe in a household hint, which went on to state how one +should make and apply paste to wall paper, how to begin, how to apply +the paper, and all that. The paste was made by uniting flour, water and +glue in such a way as to secure the paper to the wall and yet leave it +smooth, according to the recipe. First the walls had to be "sized," +however. + +I took a tape-measure and sized the walls. + +Next I began to prepare the paste and cook some in a large milk-pan. It +looked very repulsive indeed, but it looked so much better than it +smelled, that I did not mind. Then I put about five cents' worth of it +on one roll of paper, and got up on a chair to begin. My idea was to +apply it to the wall mostly, but the chair tipped, and so I papered the +piano and my wife on the way down. My wife gasped for breath, but soon +tore a hole through the paper so she could breathe, and then she laughed +at me. That is the reason I took another end of the paper and repapered +her face. I can not bear to have any one laugh at me when I am myself +unhappy. + +It was good paste, if you merely desired to disfigure a piano or a wife, +but otherwise it would not stick at all. I did not like it. I was mad +about it. But my wife seemed quite stuck on it. She hasn't got it all +out of her hair yet. + +[Illustration: _My idea was to apply it to the wall mostly, but the +chair tipped, and so I papered the piano and my wife on the way down_] +(Page 36) + +Then a man dropped in to see me about some money that I had hoped to pay +him that morning, and he said the paste needed more glue and a quart of +molasses. I put in some more glue and the last drop of molasses we had +in the house. It made a mass which looked like unbaked ginger snaps, and +smelled as I imagine the deluge did at low tide. + +I next proceeded to paper the room. Sometimes the paper would adhere, +and then again it would refrain from adhering. When I got around the +room I had gained ground so fast at the top and lost so much time at the +bottom of the walls, that I had to put in a wedge of paper two feet wide +at the bottom, and tapering to a point at the top, in order to cover the +space. This gave the room the appearance of having been toyed with by an +impatient cyclone, or an air of inebriety not in keeping with my poor +but honest character. + +I went to bed very weary, and abraded in places. I had paste in my +pockets, and bronze up my nose. In the night I could hear the paper +crack. Just as I would get almost to sleep, it would pop. That was +because the paper was contracting and trying to bring the dimensions of +the room I own to fit it. + +In the morning the room had shrunken so that the carpet did not fit, and +the paper hung in large molasses-covered welts on the walls. It looked +real grotesque. I got a paper-hanger to come and look at it. He did so. + +"And what would you advise me to do with it, sir?" I asked, with a +degree of deference which I had never before shown to a paper-hanger. + +"Well, I can hardly say at first. It is a very bad case. You see, the +glue and stuff have made the paper and wrinkles so hard now, that it +would cost a great deal to blast it off. Do you own the house?" + +"Yes, sir. That is, I have paid one-half the purchase-price, and there +is a mortgage for the balance." + +"Oh. Well, then you are all right," said the paper-hanger, with a gleam +of hope in his eye. "Let it go on the mortgage." + +Then I had to economize again, so I next resorted to the home method of +administering the Turkish bath. You can get a Turkish bath in that way +at a cost of four and one-half to five cents, which is fully as good as +one that will cost you a dollar or more in some places. + +I read the directions in a paper. There are two methods of administering +the low-price Turkish bath at home. One consists in placing the person +to be treated in a cane-seat chair, and then putting a pan of hot water +beneath this chair. Ever and anon a hot stone or hot flat-iron is +dropped into the water by means of tongs, and thus the water is kept +boiling, the steam rising in thick masses about the person in the chair, +who is carefully concealed in a large blanket. Every time a hot +flat-iron or stone is dropped into the pan it spatters the boiling water +on the bare limbs of the person who is being operated upon, and if you +are living in the same country with him, you will hear him loudly +wrecking his chances beyond the grave by stating things that are really +wrong. + +The other method, and the one I adopted, is better than this. You apply +the heat by means of a spirit lamp, and no one, to look at a little +fifteen cent spirit lamp, would believe that it had so much heat in it +till he has had one under him as he sits in a wicker chair. + +A wicker chair does not interfere with the lamp at all, or cut off the +heat, and one is so swathed in blankets and rubber overcoats that he +can't help himself. + +I seated myself in that way, and then the torch was applied. Did the +reader ever get out of a bath and sit down on a wire brush in order to +put on his shoes, and feel a sort of startled thrill pervade his whole +being? Well, that is good enough as far as it goes, but it does not +really count as a sensation, when you have been through the Home +Treatment Turkish Bath. + +My wife was in another room reading a new book in which she was greatly +interested. While she was thus storing her mind with information, she +thought she smelled something burning. She went all around over the +house trying to find out what it was. Finally she found out. + +It was her husband. I called to her, of course, but she wanted me to +wait until she had discovered what was on fire. I tried to tell her to +come and search my neighborhood, but I presume I did not make myself +understood, because I was excited, and my personal epidermis was being +singed off in a way that may seem funny to others, but was not so to one +who had to pass through it. + +It bored me quite a deal. Once the wicker seat of the chair caught fire. + +"Oh, heavens," I cried, with a sudden pang of horror, "am I to be thus +devoured by the fire fiend? And is there no one to help? Help! Help! +Help!" + +I also made use of other expressions but they did not add to the sense +of the above. + +I perspired very much, indeed, and so the bath was, in a measure, a +success, but oh, what doth it profit a man to gain a bath if he lose his +own soul? + + + + +A JOURNEY WESTWARD + +V + + +I once visited my old haunts in Colorado and Wyoming after about seven +years of absence. I also went to Utah, where spring had come in the rich +valley of the Jordan and the glossy blackbird, with wing of flame, +scooted gaily from bough to bough, deftly declaring his affections right +and left, and acquiring more wives than he could support, then clearing +his record by claiming to have had a revelation which made it all right. + +One could not shut his eyes to the fact that there was great real estate +activity in the West that spring. It took the place of mining and stock, +I judge, and everywhere you heard and saw men with their heads together +plotting against the poor rich man. In Salt Lake I saw the sign, "Drugs +and Real Estate." + +I presume it meant medicine and a small residence lot in the cemetery. + +In early days in Denver, Henry C. Brown, then in the full flush and +vigor of manhood, opened negotiations with the agent of the Atchison +stage line for a ticket back to Atchison, as he was heart-broken and +homesick. He owned a quarter-section of land, with a heavy growth of +prairie dogs on it, and he had almost persuaded the agent to swap him a +ticket for this sage brush conservatory, when the ticket seller backed +gently out of the trade. Mr. Brown then sat him down on the sidewalk and +cried bitterly. + +I just tell this to show how easily some men weep. Atchison is at +present so dead that a good cowboy, with an able mule, could tie his +rope to its tail, and, putting his spurs to the mule, jerk loose the +entire pelt at any time, while Brown's addition to Denver is worth +anywhere from one and a half to two millions of dollars. When Mr. Brown +weeps now it is because his food is too rich and gives him the gout. He +sold prairie dogs enough to fence the land in so that it could not blow +into Cherry Creek vale, and then he set to work earnestly to wait for +the property to advance. Finding that he could not sell the property at +any price, he, with great foresight, concluded to retain it. Some men, +with no special ability in other directions, have the greatest genius +for doing such things, while others, with superior talent in other ways, +do not make money in this way. + +A report once got around that I had made a misguess on some property. +This is partly true, only it was my wife who speculated. She had never +speculated much before, though she had tried other open air amusements. +So she swapped a cottage and lots in Hudson, Wisconsin, for city lots in +Minneapolis, employing a man named Flinton Pansley to work up the trade, +look into the title, and do the square thing for her. He was a real good +man, with heavenly aspirations and a true sorrow in his heart for the +prevalence of sin. Still this sorrow did not break in on his business. +Well, the business was done by correspondence and Mr. Pansley only +charged a reasonable amount, she giving him her new carriage to +remunerate him for his brain fag. What the other man paid him for +disposing of the lots I do not know. I was away at the time, and having +no insect powder with which to take his life I regretfully spared him to +his Bible class. + +[Illustration: _Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear +their young, but people never go there_ (Page 45)] + +I did send a man over the lots, however, when I returned. They were not +really in the city of Minneapolis, that is, they were not near enough to +worry anybody by the tumult of the town. In fact, they were in another +county. You may think I am untruthful about this, but the lots are +there, if you have any curiosity to see them. They are not where they +were represented to be, however, and the machine shops and gas works and +court-house are quite a long distance away. + +You could cut some hay on these lots, but not enough to pay the interest +on the mortgage. Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear +their young, but people never go there. Two years ago Senator Washburn +killed a bear on one of these lots, but that is all they have ever +produced, except a slight coldness on our part toward Mr. Pansley. He +says he likes the carriage real well, and anything he can do for us in +the future in dickering for city property will be done with an alacrity +that would almost make one's head swim. I must add that I have +permission to use this information, as the victim seems to think there +is something kind of amusing about it. Some people think a thing funny +which others can hardly get any amusement out of. What I wonder at is +that Pansley did not ask for the team when he got the carriage. + +Possibly he did not like the team. + +I just learned recently that he and the Benders used to be very thick in +an early day, but after awhile the Benders said they guessed they would +have to be excused. Even the Benders had to draw the line somewhere. + +Later I bought property in Salt Lake. Not a heavy venture, you +understand. Just the box-office receipts for one evening. I saw it +stated in the papers at $10,000. Anyway, I will let that go. That is +near enough. When I see anything in the papers I ask no more questions. +I do not think it is right. Patti and I have both made it a rule to put +in at least one evening as an investment where we happen to be. We are +almost sure to do well out of it, and we also get better notices in the +papers. + +Patti is not looking so well as she did when my father took me to see +her in the prime of her life. Though getting quite plain, it costs as +much to see her as ever it did. Her voice has a metallic, or rather +bi-metallic, ring to it nowadays, and she misses it by not working in +more topical songs and bright Italian gags. + +I asked her about an old singer who used to be with her. She said: "He +was remova to ze ocean, where he keepa ze lighthouse. He learn to +himself how to manage ze lighthouse one seasong; then he try by himself +to star." + +Now, if she would do some of those things on the stage it would pay her +first rate. + +When I was in Wyoming on that trip I met many old friends, all of whom +shook me warmly by the hand as soon as they saw me. I visited the +Capitol, and both houses adjourned for an hour out of respect to my +memory. I will never again say anything mean of a member of the +legislature. A speech of welcome was made by the gentleman from Crook +county, Mr. Kellogg, the Demosthenes of the coming state. He made +statements about me that day which in the paper read almost as good and +truthful as an epitaph. + +Going over the hill, at Crow Creek, whose perfumed waters kiss the +livery stables and abattoirs at Camp Carlin, three slender Sarah +Bernhardt coyotes came towards the train, looking wistfully at me as if +to say: "Why, partner, how you have fleshed up!" Answering them from the +platform of the car, I said: "Go East, young men, and flesh up with the +country." Honestly and seriously, I do think that if the coyote would +change off and try the soft-shell crab diet for a while, he would pick +right up. + +When I got to Laramie City the welcome was so warm that it almost wiped +out the memory of my shabby reception in New York harbor last summer, +on my return from Europe, when even my band went back on me and got +drunk at Coney Island on the very money I had given them to use in +welcoming me home again. + +Winter had been a little severe along the cattle ranges, and deceased +cattle might be seen extending their swollen carcasses into the bright, +crisp air as the train whirled one along at the rate of seven to eight +miles per hour. The skinning of a frozen steer is a diverting and +unusual proceeding. Col. Buffalo Bill, who served under Washington and +killed buffalo and baby elephants at Valley Forge, according to an +Italian paper, should put this feature into his show. Maybe he will when +he reads this. The cow gentleman first selects a quick yet steady-going +mule; then he looks for a dead steer. He does not have to look very far. +He now fastens one end of the deceased to some permanent object. This is +harder to find than the steer, however. He then attaches his rope to the +hide of the remains, having cut it with his knife first. He next starts +the mule off, and a mile or so away he discovers that the hide is +entirely free from the cold and pulseless corps. + +Sometimes a cowboy tries to skin a steer before the animal is entirely +dead, and when the former gets back to the place from which he was +kicked, he finds that he has a brand new set of whiskers with which to +surprise his friends. + +The Pacific roads have greatly improved in recent years, and though they +do not dazzle one with their speed, they are much more comfortable to +pass a few weeks on than they were when the eating-houses, or many of +them, were in the hands of people who could not cook very well, but who +made a great deal of money. Now you can eat in a good buffet-car, or a +first-class dining-car, at your leisure, or you can stop off and get a +good meal, or you can carry a few hens and eat hard-boiled eggs all over +your neighbors. + +I do not think people on the cars ought to keep hens. It disturbs the +other passengers and is anything but agreeable to the hens. Close +confinement is never good for a hen that is advanced in years, and the +cigar smoke from the rear of the car hurts her voice, I think. + + + + +A PROPHET AND A PIUTE + +VI + + +I have bought some more real estate. It occurred in Oakland, California. +In making the purchase I had the assistance of a prophet, and I hope the +prophet will not be overbalanced by the loss. It came about in this way: +A prophet on a bicycle came to Oakland suddenly very hard up a few weeks +ago, and began to ride up and down on his two-wheeler, warning the +people to flee to the high ground, and thus escape the wrath to come, +for, he said, the waters of the great deep would arise at about the +middle of the month and smite the people of Oakland and slay them, and +float the pork barrels out of their cellars, and fill their cisterns +with people who had sneered at his prophecy. + +This gentleman was an industrious prophet and did a good business in his +line. He attracted much notice, and had all he could do at his trade +for several weeks. Many Oakland people were frightened, especially as +Wiggins, the great intellectual Sahara of the prophet industry, also +prophesied a high wave which would rise at least above the bills at the +Palace Hotel in San Francisco. With the aid of these two gifted +middle-weight prophets, I was enabled to secure some good bargains in +corner lots and improved property in Oakland at ten per cent. of the +estimated value. In other words, I put my limited powers as a prophet +against those of Professor Wiggins, the painstaking and conscientious +seer of Canada, and the bicycle prophet of the Pacific slope. I am +willing to stand or fall by the result. + +As a prophet I have never attracted attention in this country, mostly +because I have been too busy with other things. Also because there was +so little prophesying to be done in these degenerate days that I did not +care to take hold of the industry; but I have ever been ready to +purchase at a great discount the desirable residences of those +contemplating a general collapse of the universe, or a tidal wave which +would wipe out the general government and cover with a placid sea the +mighty republic which God has heretofore, for some reason, smiled upon. +Moreover, I can hardly believe that the Deity would commission a man to +go out over California on a bicycle to warn people, when a few red +messages and a standing notice in the newspapers would do the work in +less time. Reasoning in this manner with a sturdy logic worthy of my +rich and unctious past, I have secured some good trades in down-town +property, and shall await the coming devastation with a calm and +entirely unruffled breast. + +California, at any season of the year, is a miracle of beauty, as almost +every one knows. Nature heightens the effect for the tenderfoot by +compelling him to cross the Alpine heights of the Sierra Nevada +Mountains and freeze approximately to death in the cold heart of a snow +blockade. Thus, weather-beaten and sore, he reaches the rolling green +hills and is greeted with the rich odor of violets. I submitted to the +insults of a tottering monopoly for a week, in the heart of the winter, +and, tired and sick at soul, with chilblains on my feet and liniment on +my other lineaments, I burst forth one bright morning into the realm of +eternal summer. The birds sang in my frozen bosom. I shed the gunnysack +wraps from my tender feet even as a butterfly or a tramp bursts his hull +in the spring time, and I laughed two or three coarse, outdoor laughs, +which shook the balmy branches of the tall pomegranate trees and +twittered in the dense foliage of the magnolia. + +The railroad was very kind to me at first. That was when I was buying my +ticket. Later on it became more harsh and even reproached me at times. +Conductors woke me up two or three times in the night to gaze fondly on +my ticket and look as if they were sorry they ever parted with it. On +the Central Pacific passengers are not permitted to give their tickets +to the porter on retiring. You must wake up and converse with the +conductor at all hours of the night, and hold a lantern for him while he +slowly spells out the hard words on your ticket. I did not like this, +and several times I murmured in a querulous tone to the conductor. But +he did not mind it. He went on doing the behests of his employer, and in +that way endearing himself to the great adversary of souls. + +I said to an official of the road: "Do you not think this is the worst +managed road in the United States--always excepting the Western North +Carolina Railroad, which is an incorporated insult to humanity?" + +"Well," he replied, "that depends, of course, on the standpoint from +which you view it. If we were trying to divert travel to the Southern +Pacific, also the rolling stock, the good-will, the culverts, the +dividends, the frogs, the snowsheds, the right of way and the new-laid +train figs, everything except the first, second and third mortgages, +which would naturally revert to the government, would you not think we +were managing the business with a steady hand and a watchful eye?" + +I said I certainly should. I then wrung his hand softly and stole away, +as he also began to do the same thing. + +[Illustration: _I improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of +the beautiful and picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians_ (Page +57)] + +At Reno we had a day or two in which to observe the city from the car +platform, while waiting for the blockade to be raised. We could not go +away from the train further than five hundred feet, for it might start +at any moment. That is one beauty about a snow blockade. It entitles you +to a stop-over, but you must be ready to hop on when the train starts. I +improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of the beautiful and +picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians. They are a quiet, +reserved set of people, who, by saying nothing, sometimes obtain a +reputation for deep thought. I always envy anybody who can do that. Such +men make good presidential candidates. Candidates, I say, mind you. The +time has come in this country when it is hard to unite good +qualifications as a candidate with the necessary qualities for a +successful official. + +The Piute, in March or April, does not go down cellar and bring up his +gladiolus, or remove the banking from the side of his villa. He does not +mulch the asparagus bed, or prune the pie-plant, or rake the front yard, +or salt the hens. He does not even wipe his heartbroken and neglected +nose. He makes no especial change in his great life-work because spring +has come. He still looks serious, and like a man who is laboring under +the impression that he is about to become the parent of a thought. These +children of the Piute brave never mature. They do not take their places +in the histories or the school readers of our common country. The Piute +wears a bright red lap-robe over his person, and generally a stiff +Quaker hat, with a leather band. His hair is very thick, black and +coarse, and is mostly cut off square in the neck, by means of an adz, I +judge, or possibly it is eaten off by moths. The Piute is never bald +during life. After he is dead he becomes bald and beloved. + +Johnson Sides is a well-known Piute who had the pleasure of meeting me +at Reno. He said he was a great admirer of mine and had all my writings +in a scrap-book at home. He also said that he wished I would come and +lecture for his tribe. I afterward learned that he was an earnest and +hopeful liar from Truckee. He had no scrap-book at all. Also no home. + +Mr. Sides at one time became quite civilized, distinguishing himself +from his tribe by reading the Bible and imprisoning the lower drapery of +his linen garment in the narrow confines of a pair of cavalry trousers, +instead of giving it to the irresponsible breeze, as other Piutes did. +He then established a hotel up the valley in the Sierras, and decided to +lead a life of industry. He built a hostelry called the +Shack-de-Poker-Huntus, and advertised in the _Carson Appeal_, a paper +which even the editor, Sam Davis, says fills him with wonder and +amazement when he knows that people actually subscribe for it. Very soon +Piutes began to go to the shack to spend the heated term. Every Piute +who took the _Appeal_ saw the advertisement, which went on to state that +hot and cold water could be got into every room in the house, and that +electric bells, baths, silver-voiced chambermaids, over-charges, and +everything else connected with a first-class hotel, could be found at +that place. So the Piute people locked up their own homes, and, +ejecting the cat, they spat on the fire, and moved to the new summer +hotel. They took their friends with them. They had no money, but they +knew Johnson Sides, and they visited him all summer. + +In the fall Mr. Sides closed the house, and resuming his blanket he went +back to live with his tribe. When the butcher wagon called the next day +the driver found a notice of sale, and in the language of Sol Smith +Russell, "Good reasons given for selling." + +Mr. Sides had been a temperance man now for a year, at least externally, +but with the humiliation of this great financial wreck came a wild +desire to flee to the maddening bowl, having been monkeying with the +madding crowd all summer. So, silently, he obtained a bottle of Reno +embalming fluid and secreted himself behind a tree, where he was asked +to join himself in a social nip. He had hardly wiped away an idle tear +with the corner of his blanket and replaced the stopper in his tear jug +when the local representative of the U. G. J. E. T. A. of Reno came upon +him. He was reported to the lodge, and his character bade fair to be +smirched so badly that nothing but saltpeter and a consistent life could +save it. At this critical stage Mr. Davis, of the _Appeal_, came to his +aid, and not only gave him the support and encouragement of his columns, +but told Mr. Sides that he would see that the legislature took speedy +action in removing his alcoholic disabilities. Through the untiring +efforts of Mr. Davis, therefore, a bill was framed "whereby the drink +taken by Johnson Sides, of Nevada, be and is hereby declared null and +void." + +On a certain day Mr. Davis told him that the bill would come up for +final passage and no doubt pass without opposition, but a purse would +have to be raised to defray the expenses. The tribe began to collect +what money they had and to sell their grasshoppers in order to raise +more. + +Johnson Sides and his people gathered on the day named, and seated +themselves in the galleries. Slim old warriors with firm faces and +beetling brows, to say nothing of having their hair roached, but yet +with no flies on them to speak of, sat in the front seats. Large, +corpulent squaws, wearing health costumes, secured by telegraph wire, +listened to the proceedings, knowing no more of what was going on than +other people do who go to watch the legislature. Finally, however, Sam +Davis came and told Mr. Sides that he was now pure as the driven snow. I +saw him last week, but it seemed to me it was about time to get some +more special legislation for him. + +Once Mr. Davis met Mr. Sides on the street and was so glad to see him +that he said: "Johnson, I like you first-rate, and should always be glad +to see you. Whenever you can, let me know where you are." + +The next week Sam got quite a lot of telegrams from along the +railroad--for the Indians ride free on account of their sympathies with +the road. These telegrams were dated at different stations. They were +hopeful and even cheery, and were all marked "collect." They read about +as follows: + + _Sam Davis, Carson, Nev._: + + WINNEMUCCA, NEV., March 31. + + I am here. + JOHNSON SIDES. + +Every little while for quite a long time Mr. Davis would get a bright, +reassuring telegram, sometimes in the middle of the night, when he was +asleep, informing him that Johnson Sides was "there," and he then would +go back to bed cheered and soothed and sustained. + + + + +THE SABBATH OF A GREAT AUTHOR + +VII + + +I awake at an unearthly hour on Sunday morning, after which I turn over +and go to sleep again. This second, or beauty sleep, I find to be almost +invaluable. I do it also with much more earnestness and expression than +that in the earlier part of the night. All the other people in the house +gradually wake up as I begin to get in my more fancy strokes. + +By eight o'clock everybody is stirring, and so I get up and glide about +in my pajamas, which makes me look almost like the "Clémenceau Case" in +search of an engagement. + +Mr. Rogers is going to have me sit to him in my pajamas for a group of +statuary. He also wishes to model an iron hitching post from me. + +On waking I at once take to me tub and give myself a good cold bath. + +I then put in my teeth. + +After doing some little studies in chiropody I throw a silk-velvet +dressing gown over my shoulders and look at my bright and girlish beauty +in a full-length mirror, comparing the dimpling curves, as I see them +reflected, with those shown in the morning paper. + +After reading a little from the chess column of some good author, I +descend to the _salon_ and greet my family smilingly in order to open +the day auspiciously. We all then sing around the parlor organ a little +pean entitled, "It's Funny When You Feel That Way." + +We now go to the breakfast room, where the children are taught to set +aside the daintiest bits for papa, because he might die some time and +then it would be a life-long regret to those who are spared that they +did not give him the tender part of the steer or the second joint of the +hen. + +After breakfast, which consists of chops, hashed brown potatoes, muffins +and coffee, preceded by canteloupe or baked beans, we proceed to +quarrel over who shall go to church and who shall remain at home to keep +the cattle out of the corn. + +We then go to church, those who can, at least, whilst the others remain +and read something that is improving. Sometimes I shave myself on Sunday +mornings. Then it takes me quite a while to get back into a religious +frame of mind. I do not manage very well in shaving myself, and people +who go by the house are often attracted by my yells. + +I go to church quite regularly and enjoy the sermon unless it is too +firm or personal. If it goes into doctrine too much I am apt to be quite +fatigued at its end on account of the mental reservations I have made +along through it. + +I like to go and hear about God's love, but I am rarely benefited by a +discourse which enlarges upon his jealousy. When I am told also that God +spares no pains in getting even with people, I not only do not enjoy the +information, but I would sit up till a late hour at night to doubt it. + +[Illustration: _He sometimes succeeds in getting himself disliked by +some other dog and then I can observe the fight_ (Page 67)] + +I shake hands with the pastor, and after suggesting something for him to +preach about on the following Sabbath, I go home. + +In the afternoon I go walking if no one calls. We have dinner at 2 +o'clock on Sunday, consisting of jerked beef smothered in milk gravy. +This is the remove. For side dishes we have squash or meat pie. We +sometimes open with soup and then have clean plates all around, with +fowl and greens, tapering off with some kind of rich pie. + +After dinner I sometimes nap a little and then fool with the colt. This +is done quietly, however, so as not to break in upon the devotional +spirit of the day. After this I go for a walk or converse intelligently +with any foreign powers who may be visiting our shores. + +When I walk I am generally accompanied by a restless Queen Anne dog, +which precedes me about a mile. He sometimes succeeds in getting himself +disliked by some other dog and then I can observe the fight when I catch +up with him. + +As the twilight gathers all seem ready again for more food and we begin +to clamor for pabulum, keeping it up until either square or round +crackers and smearcase are produced. These are washed down with foaming +beakers of sarsaparilla. + +As the evening lamp is now lighted, I produce some good book or pamphlet +like "The Greatest Thing in the World," and read from it, occasionally +cuffing a child in order to keep everything calm and reposeful. At 9 +o'clock the cat is expelled and the eight-day clock is wound up for the +week. Gazing up at the bright cold stars after kicking forth the cat, I +realize that another Sabbath has been filed away in the great big brawny +bosom of the past, and with a little remorseful sigh and an incipient +sob when I think that I am not making a better record, I drive a fence +nail in over the door latch and seek my library which, on being properly +approached, opens and becomes a beautiful couch. + + + + +A FLYER IN DIRT + +VIII + + +I have just returned from a visit to my property at Minneapolis, and can +not refrain from referring to its marvelous growth. The distance between +it and the business center of the city has also grown a good deal since +I last saw it. This is the property which I purchased some three years +ago of a real good man. His name is Pansley--Flinton Pansley. He has +done business in most all the towns of the Northwest. Perhaps a further +word or two about this pious gentleman will not be amiss. Entering a +place quietly and even meekly, with a letter to the local pastor, he +would begin reaching out his little social tendrils by sighing over the +lost and undone condition of mankind. After regretting the state in +which he had found God's vineyard, he would rent a store and sell goods +at a sacrifice, but when the sacrifice was being offered up, a close +observer would discover that Mr. Pansley was not in it. + +In this way he would build up quite a trade, only sparing a little time +each day in which to retire to his closet and sob over the altogether +godless condition in which he had found man. He would then make an +assignment. + +Pardon me for again referring to the matter, but I do so utterly without +malice, and in connection with the unparalleled growth of my property +here. So if the gentle and rather attractive reader will excuse a bad +pen, and some plain stationery, as my own crested writing-paper is in my +trunk, which is now in the possession of a well-known hotel man whose +name is suppressed on account of his family, I shall refer again briefly +to the property and the circumstances surrounding its purchase. I had +intended to put a good fence around it ere this, but with these peculiar +circumstances surrounding it, I feel that it is safe from intrusion. + +The property was sold to my wife by Mr. Pansley at a sacrifice, but when +the burnt offering had ascended, and the atmosphere had cleared, and the +ashes on the altar had been blown aside, the suspender buttons of Mr. +Pansley were not there. He had taken his bright red mark-down figures, +and a letter to his future pastor, and gone to another town. He is now +selling groceries. From town lots to groceries is, to a versatile man, a +very small stride. He is in business in St. Paul, and that has given +Minneapolis quite a little spurt of prosperity. + +We exchanged a cottage for city lots unimproved, as I said in a former +article, and got Mr. Pansley to do it for us. My wife gave him her +carriage for acting in that capacity. She was sorry she could not do +more for him, because he was a man who had found his fellow-men in such +an undone condition everywhere, and had been trying ever since to do +them up. + +The property lies about half-way between the West Hotel and the open +Polar Sea, and is in a good neighborhood, looking south; at least it +was the other day when I left it. It lies all over the northwest, +resembling in that respect the man we bought it of. + +Mr. Pansley took the carriage, also the wrench with which I was wont to +take off the nuts thereof when I greased it on Sabbath mornings. We +still go to church, but we walk. Occasionally Mr. Pansley whirls by us, +and his dust and debris fall upon my freshly ironed and neat linen coat +as he passes by us with a sigh. + +He said once that he did not care for money if he only could let in the +glad sunlight of the gospel upon the heathen. + +"Why," I exclaimed, "why do you wish to let in the glad sunlight of the +gospel upon the heathen?" + +"Alas!" he said, brushing away a tear with the corner of a gray shawl +which he wore, and wiping his bright, piercing nose on the top rail of +my fence, "so that they would not go to hell, Mr. Nye!" + +"And do you think that the heathen who knows nothing of God will go to +hell, or has been going to hell for, say, ten thousand years, without +having seen a daily paper or a Testament?" + +"I do. Millions of ignorant people in yet undiscovered lands are going +to hell daily without the knowledge of God." With that he turned away, +and concealed his emotion in his shawl, while his whole frame shook. + +"But, even if he should escape by reason of his ignorance, we can not +escape the responsibility of shedding the light of the gospel upon his +opaque soul," said he. + +So I gave him $2 to assist the poor heathen to a place where he may +share the welcome of a cordial and eternal damnation along with the more +educated and refined classes. Whether the heathen will ever appreciate +it or not, I can not tell at this moment. Lately I have had a little ray +of fear that he might not, and with that fear, like a beam of sunshine, +comes the blessed hope that possibly something may have happened to the +$2, and that mayhap it did not get there. + +I went up to see the property with which my wife had been endowed by the +generous foresight of Mr. Pansley, the heathen's friend. I had seen the +place before, but not in the autumn. + +Oh, no, I had not saw it in the hectic of the dying year! I had not saw +it when the squirrel, the comic lecturer, and the Italian go forth to +gather their winter hoard of chestnuts. I had not saw it as the god of +day paints the royal mantle of the year's croaking monarch and the crow +sinks softly onto the swelling bosom of the dead horse. I had only saw +it in the wild, wet spring. I had only saw it when the frost and the +bullfrog were heaving out of the ground. + +[Illustration: _Then rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off +into the scrub pine, carrying with me a large board_ (Page 74)] + +I strolled out there. I rode on the railroad for a couple of hours +first, I think. Then I got off at a tank, where I got a nice, cool, +refreshing drink of as good, pure water as I ever flung a lip over. Then +rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off into the scrub pine, +carrying with me a large board on which I had painted in clear, +beautiful characters: + + FOR SALE. + + The owner finding it necessary to go to Europe for eight or nine + years, in order to brush up on the languages of the continent and + return a few royal visits there, will sell all this suburban + property. Terms reasonable. No restrictions except that street-cars + shall not run past these lots at a higher rate of speed than sixty + miles per hour without permission of the owner. + +I think that the property looks better in the autumn even than it does +in spring. The autumn leaves are falling. Also the price on this piece +of property. It would be a good time to buy it now. Also a good time to +sell. I shall add nothing because it has been associated with me. That +will cut no figure, for it has not been associated with me so very long, +or so very intimately. + +The place, with advertising and the free use of capital, could be made a +beautiful rural resort, or it could be fenced off tastefully into a +cheap commodious place in which to store bears for market. + +But it has grown. It is wider, it seems to me, and there is less to +obstruct the view. As soon as commutation or dining trains are put on +between Minneapolis and Sitka, a good many pupils will live on my +property and go to school at Sitka. + +Trade is quiet in that quarter at present, however, and traffic is +practically at a standstill. A good many people have written to me +asking about my subdivision and how various branches of industry would +thrive there. Having in an unguarded moment used the stamps, I hasten to +say that they would be premature in going there now, unless in pursuit +of rabbits, which are extremely prevalent. + +Trade is very dull, and a first or even a second national bank in my +subdivision of the United States would find itself practically out of a +job. A good newspaper, if properly conducted, could have some fun and +get a good many advertisements by swopping kind words at regular +catalogue prices for goods. But a theater would not pay. I write this +for the use of a man who has just written to know if a good opera-house +with folding seats would pay a fair investment on capital. No, it would +not. I will be fair and honest. Smarting as I do yet under the cruel +injustice done me by the meek and gentle groceryman, who, while he wept +upon my corrugated bosom with one hand, softly removed my pelt with the +other and sprinkled Chili sauce all over me, I will not betray my own +friends. Even with my still bleeding carcass quivering under the Halford +sauce of Mr. Pansley, the "skin" and hypocrite, the friend of the +far-distant savage and the foe of those who are his unfortunate +neighbors, I will not betray even a stranger. Though I have used his +postage-stamp I shall not be false to him. An opera-house this fall +would be premature. Most everybody's dates are booked, anyhow. We could +not get Francis Wilson or Nat C. Goodwin or Lillian Russell or Henry +Irving or Mr. Jefferson, for they are all too busy turning people away, +and I would hate to open with James Owen O'Connor or any other +mechanical appliance. + +No. Wait another year at least. At present an opera-house in my +subdivision of the solar system would be as useless as a Dull Thud in +the state of New York. + +One drawback to the immediate prosperity of the place is that +commutation rates are yet in their infancy. Eighty-seven and one-half +cents per ride on trains which run only on Tuesdays and Fridays is not +sufficient compensation for the long and lonely walk and the paucity of +some suitable cottages when one gets there. + +So I will sell the dear old place, with all its associations and the +good-will of a thriving young frog conservatory, at the buyer's price. +As I say, there has been since I was last there a steady growth, which +is mostly noticeable on the mortgage that I secured along with the +property. It was on there when I bought it, and as it could not be +removed without injury to the realty, according to an old and +established law of Justinian or Coke or Littleton, Mr. Pansley ruled +that it was part of the property and passed with its conveyance. It is +looking well, with a nice growth of interest around the edges and its +foreclosure clause fully an inch and a half long. + +I shall be willing, in case I do not find a cash buyer, to exchange the +property for almost anything I can eat, except Paris green. Nor should I +hesitate to swap the whole thing, to a man whom I +felt that I could respect, for a good bird dog. I am also willing to +trade the lots for a milk route or a cold storage. It would be a good +site for some gentleman in New York to build a country cottage. + +I should also swap the estate to a man who really means business for a +second-hand cellar. Call on or address the undersigned early, and please +do not push or rudely jostle those in the line ahead of you. + +Cast-off clothing, express prepaid, and free from all contagious +diseases, accepted at its full value. Anything left by mistake in the +pockets will be taken good care of, and, possibly, returned in the +spring. + +Gunnysack Oleson, who lives eight miles north of the county line, will +show you over the grounds. Please do not hitch horses to the trees. I +will not be responsible for horses injured while tied to my trees. + +A new railroad track is thinking of getting a right of way next year, +which may be nearer by two miles than the one that I have to take, +provided they will let me off at the right place. + +I promise to do all that I can conscientiously for the road, to aid any +one who may buy the property, and I will call the attention of all +railroads to the advisability of a road in that direction. All that I +can honorably do, I will do. My honor is as dear to me as my gas bill +every year I live. + +N. B.--The dead horse on lot 9, block 21, Nye's Addition to the Solar +System, is not mine. Mine died before I got there. + + + + +A SINGULAR "HAMLET" + +IX + + +The closing debut of that great Shakespearian humorist and emotional +ass, Mr. James Owen O'Connor, at the Star Theater, will never be +forgotten. During his extraordinary histrionic career he gave his +individual and amazing renditions of Hamlet, Phidias, Shylock, Othello, +and Richelieu. I think I liked his Hamlet best, and yet it was a +pleasure to see him in anything wherein he killed himself. + +Encouraged by the success of beautiful but self-made actresses, and +hoping to win a place for himself and his portrait in the great soap and +cigarette galaxy, Mr. O'Connor placed himself in the hands of some +misguided elocutionist, and then sought to educate the people of New +York and elocute them out of their thralldom up into the glorious light +of the O'Connor school of acting. + +The first week he was in the hands of the critics, and they spoke quite +serenely of his methods. Later, it was deemed best to place his merits +in the hands of a man who would be on an equal footing with him. What +O'Connor wanted was one of his peers, who would therefore judge him +fairly. I was selected because I know nothing whatever about acting and +would thus be on an equality with Mr. O'Connor. + +After seeing his Hamlet I was of the opinion that he did wisely in +choosing New York for debutting purposes, for had he chosen Denver, +Colorado, at the end of the third act kind hands would have removed him +from the stage by means of benzine and a rag. + +I understand that Mr. O'Connor charged Messrs. Henry E. Abbey and Henry +Irving with using their influence among the masses in order to prejudice +said masses against Mr. O'Connor, thus making it unpleasant for him to +act, and inciting in the audience a feeling of gentle but evident +hostility, which Mr. O'Connor deprecated very much whenever he could +get a chance to do so. I looked into this matter a little and I do not +think it was true. Until almost the end of Mr. O'Connor's career, +Messrs. Abbey and Irving were not aware of his great metropolitan +success, and it is generally believed among the friends of the two +former gentlemen that they did not feel it so keenly as Mr. O'Connor was +led to suppose. + +But James Owen O'Connor did one thing which I take the liberty of +publicly alluding to. He took that saddest and most melancholy bit of +bloody history, trimmed with assassinations down the back and looped up +with remorse, insanity, duplicity and unrequited love, and he filled it +with silvery laughter and cauliflower and mirth, and various other +groceries which the audience throw in from time to time, thus making it +more of a spectacular piece than under the conservative management of +such old-school men as Booth, who seem to think that Hamlet should be +soaked full of sadness. + +I went to see Hamlet, thinking that I would be welcome, for my +sympathies were with James when I heard that Mr. Irving was picking on +him and seeking to injure him. I went to the box office and explained +who I was, and stated that I had been detailed to come and see Mr. +O'Connor act; also that in what I might say afterwards my instructions +were to give it to Abbey and Irving if I found that they had tampered +with the audience in any way. + +The man in the box office did not recognize me, but said that Mr. Fox +would extend to me the usual courtesies. I asked where Mr. Fox could be +found, and he said inside. I then started to go inside, but ran against +a total stranger, who was "on the door," as we say. He was feeding red +and yellow tickets into a large tin oven, and looking far, far away. I +conversed with him in low, passionate tones, and asked him where Mr. Fox +could be found. He did not know, but thought he was still in Europe. I +went back and told the box office that Mr. Fox was in Europe. He said +No, I would find him inside. "Well, but how shall I get inside?" I asked +eagerly, for I could already, I fancied, hear the orchestra beginning +to twang its lyre. + +"Walk in," said he, taking in $2 and giving back 50 cents in change to a +man with a dead cat in his overcoat pocket. + +I went back, and springing lightly over the iron railing while the +gatekeeper was thinking over his glorious past, I went all around over +the theater looking for Mr. Fox. I found him haggling over the price of +some vegetables which he was selling at the stage door and which had +been contributed by admirers and old subscribers to Mr. O'Connor at a +previous performance. + +When Mr. Fox got through with that I presented to him my card, which is +as good a piece of job work in colors as was ever done west of the +Missouri river, and to which I frequently point with pride. + +Mr. Fox said he was sorry, but that Mr. O'Connor had instructed him to +extend no courtesies whatever to the press. The press, he claimed, had +said something derogatory to Mr. O'Connor as a tragedian, and while he +personally would be tickled to death to give me two divans and a +folding-bed near the large fiddle, he must do as Mr. O'Connor had +bid--or bade him, I forget which; and so, restraining his tears with +great difficulty, he sent me back to the entrance and although I was +already admitted in a general way, I went to the box office and +purchased a seat. I believe now that Mr. Fox thought he had virtually +excluded me from the house when he told me I should have to pay in order +to get in. + +I bought a seat in the parquet and went in. The audience was not large +and there were not more than a dozen ladies present. + +Pretty soon the orchestra began to ooze in through a little opening +under the stage. Then the overture was given. It was called "Egmont." +The curtain now arose on a scene in Denmark. I had asked an usher to +take a note to Mr. O'Connor requesting an audience, but the boy had +returned with the statement that Mr. O'Connor was busy rehearsing his +soliloquy and removing a shirred egg from his outer clothing. + +He also said he could not promise an audience to any one. It was all he +could do to get one for himself. + +So the play went on. Elsinore, where the first act takes place, is in +front of a large stone water tank, where two gentlemen armed with +long-handled hay knives are on guard. + +All at once a ghost who walks with an overstrung Chickering action and +stiff, jerky, Waterbury movement, comes in, wearing a dark mosquito net +over his head--so that harsh critics can not truly say there are any +flies on him, I presume. When the ghost enters most every one enjoys it. +Nobody seems to be frightened at all. I knew it was not a ghost as quick +as I looked at it. One man in the gallery hit the ghost on the head with +a soda cracker, which made him jump and feel of his ear; so I knew then +that it was only a man made up to look like a presence. + +One of the guards, whose name, I think, was Smith, had a droop to his +legs and an instability about the knees which were highly enjoyable. He +walked like a frozen-toed hen, and stood first on one foot and then on +the other, with almost human intelligence. His support was about as +poor as O'Connor's. + +After awhile the ghost vanished with what is called a stately tread, but +I would regard it more as a territorial tread. Horatio did quite well, +and the audience frequently listened to him. Still, he was about the +only one who did not receive crackers or cheese as a slight testimonial +of regard from admirers in the audience. + +Finally, Mr. James Owen O'Connor entered. It was fully five minutes +before he could be heard, and even then he could not. His mouth moved +now and then, and a gesture would suddenly burst forth, but I did not +hear what he said. At least I could not hear distinctly what he said. +After awhile, as people got tired and went away, I could hear better. + +Mr. O'Connor introduced into his Hamlet a set of gestures evidently +intended for another play. People who are going to act out on the stage +can not be too careful in getting a good assortment of gestures that +will fit the play itself. James had provided himself with a set of +gestures which might do for Little Eva, or "Ten Nights in a Bar-room," +but they did not fit Hamlet. There is where he makes a mistake. Hamlet +is a man whose victuals don't agree with him. He feels depressed and +talks about sticking a bodkin into himself, but Mr. O'Connor gives him a +light, elastic step, and an air of persiflage, _bonhomie_, and frisk, +which do not match the character. + +Mr. O'Connor sought in his conception and interpretation of Hamlet to +give it a free and jaunty Kokomo flavor--a nameless twang of tansy and +dried apples, which Shakespeare himself failed to sock into his great +drama. + +James did this, and more. He took the wild-eyed and morbid Blackwell's +Island Hamlet, and made him a $2 parlor humorist who could be the life +of the party, or give lessons in elocution, and take applause or +crackers and cheese in return for the same. + +There is really a good lesson to be learned from the pitiful and +pathetic tale of James Owen O'Connor. Injudicious friends, doubtless, +overestimated his value, and unduly praised his Smart Aleckutionary +powers. Loving himself unwisely but too extensively, he was led away +into the great, untried purgatory of public scrutiny, and the general +indictment followed. + +The truth stands out brighter and stronger than ever that there is no +cut across lots to fame or success. He who seeks to jump from mediocrity +to a glittering triumph over the heads of the patient student, and the +earnest, industrious candidate who is willing to bide his time, gets +what James Owen O'Connor received--the just condemnation of those who +are abundantly able to judge. + +In seeking to combine the melancholy beauty of Hamlet's deep and earnest +pathos with the gentle humor of "A Hole in the Ground," Mr. O'Connor +evidently corked himself, as we say at the Browning Club, and it was but +justice after all. Before we curse the condemnation of the people and +the press, let us carefully and prayerfully look ourselves over, and see +if we have not overestimated ourselves. + +There are many men alive to-day who do not dare say anything without +first thinking how it will read in their memoirs--men whom we can not, +therefore, thoroughly enjoy until they are dead, and yet whose graves +will be kept green only so long as the appropriation lasts. + + + + +MY MATRIMONIAL BUREAU + +X + + +The following matrimonial inquiries are now in my hands awaiting +replies, and I take this method of giving them more air. A few months +ago I injudiciously stated that I should take great pleasure in booming, +or otherwise whooping up, everything in the matrimonial line, if those +who needed aid would send me twenty-five cents, with personal +description, lock of hair, and general outline of the style of husband +or wife they were yearning for. As a result of thus yielding to a blind +impulse and giving it currency through the daily press, I now have a +huge mass of more or less soiled postage stamps that look as though they +had made a bicycle tour around the world, a haymow full of letters +breathing love till you can't rest, and a barrel of calico-colored hair. +It is a rare treat to look at this assortment of hair of every hue and +degree of curl and coarseness. When I pour it out on the floor it looks +like the interior of a western barber shop during a state fair. When I +want fun again I shall not undertake to obtain it by starting a +matrimonial agency. + +I have one letter from a man of twenty-seven summers, who pants to +bestow himself on some one at as early a date as possible. He tells me +on a separate slip of paper, which he wishes destroyed, that he is a +little given to "bowling up," a term with which I am not familiar, but +he goes on to say that a good, noble woman, with love in her heart and +an earnest desire to save a soul, could rush in and gather him in in +good shape. He says that he is worthy, and that if he could be snatched +from a drunkard's grave in time he believes he would become eminent. He +says that several people have already been overheard to say: "What a +pity he drinks." From this he is led to believe that a good wife, with +some means, could redeem him. He says it is quite a common thing for +young women where he lives to marry young men for the purpose of saving +them. + +I think myself that some young girl ought to come forward and snatch +this brand at an early date. + +The great trouble with men who form the bowl habit is that, on the +morrow, after they have been so bowling, they awake with a distinct and +well-defined sensation of soreness and swollenness about the head, +accompanied by a strong desire to hit some living thing with a stove +leg. The married man can always turn to his wife in such an emergency, +smite her and then go to sleep again, but to one who is doomed to wander +alone through life there is nothing to do but to suffer on, or go out +and strike some one who does not belong to his family, and so lay +himself liable to arrest. + +This letter is accompanied by a tin-type picture of a young man who +shaves in such a way as to work in a streak of whiskers by which he +fools himself into the notion that he has a long and luxuriant mustache. +He looks like a person who, under the influence of liquor, would weep +on the bosom of a total stranger and then knock his wife down because +she split her foot open instead of splitting the kindling. + +He is not a bad-looking man, and the freckles on his hands do not hurt +him as a husband. Any young lady who would like to save him from a +drunkard's grave can address him in my care, inclosing twenty-five +cents, a small sum which goes toward a little memorial fund I am getting +up for myself. My memory has always been very poor, and if I can do it +any good with this fund I shall do so. The lock of hair sent with this +letter may be seen at any time nailed up on my woodshed door. It is a +dull red color, and can be readily cut by means of a pair of tinman's +shears. + +The two following letters, taken at random from my files, explain +themselves: + + + "BURNT PRAIRIE, NEAR THE JUNCTION,} + "ON THE ROAD TO THE COURT HOUSE,} + "TENNESSEE, January 2.} + + "DEAR SIR--I am in search of a wife and would be willing to settle + down if I could get a good wife. I was but twenty-six years of age + when my mother died and I miss her sadly for she was oh so good and + kind to me her caring son. + + "I have been wanting for the past year to settle down, but I have + not saw a girl that I thought would make me a good, true wife. I + know I have saw a good deal of the world, and am inclined to be + cynical for I see how hollow everything is, and how much need there + is for a great reform. Sometimes I think that if I could express + the wild thoughts that surges up and down in my system, I could win + a deathless name. When I get two or three drinks aboard I can think + of things faster than I can speak them, or draw them off for the + paper. What I want is a woman that can economize, and also take the + place of my lost mother, who loved me and put a better polish on my + boots than any other living man. + + "I know I am gay and giddy in my nature, but if I could meet a + joyous young girl just emerging upon life's glad morn, and she had + means, I would be willing to settle down and make a good, quiet, + every-day husband. + + "A. J." + + "ASHMEAD, LEDUC CO., I.T.,} + "December 20.} + + "DEAR SIR--I have very little time in which to pencil off a few + lines regarding a wife. I am a man of business, and I can't fool + around much, but I would be willing to marry the right kind of a + young woman. I am just bursting forth on the glorious dawn of my + sixty-third year. I have been married before, and as I might almost + say, I have been in that line man and boy for over forty years. My + pathway has been literally decorated with wives ever since I was + twenty years old. + + "I ain't had any luck with my wives heretofore, for they have died + off like sheep. I've treated all of them as well as I knew how, + never asking of them to do any more than I did, and giving of 'em + just the same kind of vittles that I had myself, but they are all + gone now. There was a year or two that seemed just as if there was + a funeral procession stringing out of my front gate half the time. + + "What I want is a young woman that can darn a sock without working + two or three tumors into it, cook in a plain economical way without + pampering the appetites of hired help, do chores around the barn + and assist me in accumulating property. + + I. D. P." + +This last letter contains a small tress of dark hair that feels like a +bunch of barbed wire when drawn through the fingers, and has a tendency +to "crock." + + + + +THE HATEFUL HEN + +XI + + +The following inquiries and replies have been awaiting publication and I +shall print them here if the reader has no objections. I do not care to +keep correspondents waiting too long for fear they will get tired and +fail to write me in the future when they want to know anything. Mr. +Earnest Pendergast writes from Puyallup as follows: + +"Why do you not try to improve your appearance more? I think you could +if you would, and we would all be so glad. You either have a very +malicious artist, or else your features must pain you a good deal at +times. Why don't you grow a mustache?" + +These remarks, of course, are a little bit personal, Earnest, but still +they show your goodness of heart. I fear that you are cursed with the +fatal gift of beauty yourself and wish to have others go with you on +the downward way. You ask why I do not grow a mustache, and I tell you +frankly that it is for the public good that I do not. I used to wear a +long, drooping and beautiful mustache, which was well received in +society, and, under the quiet stars and opportune circumstances, gave +good satisfaction; but at last the hour came when I felt that I must +decide between this long, silky mustache and soft-boiled eggs, of which +I am passionately fond. I hope that you understand my position, Earnest, +and that I am studying the public welfare more than my own at all times. + +Sassafras Oleson, of South Deadman, writes to know something of the care +of fowls in the spring and summer. "Do you know," he asks, "anything of +the best methods for feeding young orphan chickens? Is there any way to +prevent hens from stealing their nests and sitting on inanimate objects? +Tell us as tersely as possible what your own experience has been with +hens." + +To speak tersely of the hen and her mission in life seems to me almost +sacrilege. It is at least in poor taste. The hen and her works lie near +to every true heart. She does much toward making us better, and she +doesn't care who knows it, either. Young chicks who have lost their +mothers by death, and whose fathers are of a shiftless and improvident +nature, may be fed on kumiss, two parts; moxie, eight parts; distilled +water, ten parts. Mix and administer till relief is obtained. Sometimes, +however, a guinea hen will provide for the young chicken, and many lives +have been saved in this way. Whether or not this plan will influence the +voice of the rising hen is a question among henologists of the country +which I shall not attempt to answer. + +Hens who steal their nests are generally of a secretive nature and are +more or less social pariahs. A hen who will do this should be watched at +all times and won back by kind words from the step she is about to take. +Brute force will accomplish little. Logic also does not avail. You +should endeavor to influence her by showing her that it is honorable at +all times to lay a good egg, and that as soon as she begins to be +secretive and to seek to mislead those who know and love her, she takes +a course which can not end with honor to herself or her descendants. + +I have made the hen a study for many years, and love to watch her even +yet as she resumes her toils on a falling market year after year, or +seeks to hatch out a summer hotel by setting on a door knob. She +interests and pleases me. Careful study of the hen convinces me that her +low, retreating forehead is a true index to her limited reasoning +faculties and lack of memory, ideality, imagination, calculation and +spirituality. She is also deficient in her enjoyment of humor. + +I once owned a large white draught rooster, who stood about seven hands +high, and had feet on him that would readily break down a whole +corn-field if he walked through it. Yet he lacked the courage of his +convictions, and socially was not a success. Leading hens regarded him +as a good-hearted rooster, and seemed to wonder that he did not get on +better in a social way. He had a rich baritone voice, and was a good +provider, digging up large areas of garden, and giving the hens what was +left after he got through, and yet they gave their smiles to far more +dissolute though perhaps brighter minds. So I took him away awhile, and +let him see something of the world by allowing him to visit among the +neighbors, and go into society a little. Then I brought him home again, +and one night colored him with diamond dyes so that he was a beautiful +scarlet. His name was Sumner. + +I took Sumner the following morning and turned him loose among his old +neighbors. Surprise was written on every face. He realized his +advantage, and the first thing he did was to greet the astonished crowd +with a gutteral remark, which made them jump. He then stepped over to a +hated rival, and ate off about fifteen cents' worth of his large, red, +pompadour comb. He now remarked in a courteous way to a small +Poland-China hen, who seemed to be at the head of all works of social +improvement, that we were having rather a backward spring. Then he +picked out the eye of another rival, much to his surprise, and went on +with the conversation. By noon the bright scarlet rooster owned the +town. Those who had picked on him before had now gone to the hospital, +and practically the social world was his. He got so stuck up that he +crowed whenever the conversation lagged, and was too proud to eat a worm +that was not right off the ice. I never saw prosperity knock the sense +out of a rooster so soon. He lost my sympathy at once, and I resolved to +let him carve out his own career as best he might. + +Gradually his tail feathers grew gray and faded, but he wore his head +high. He was arrogant and made the hens go worming for his breakfast by +daylight. Then he would get mad at the food and be real hateful and step +on the little chickens with his great big feet. + +But as his new feathers began to come in folks got on to him, as Matthew +Arnold has it, and the other roosters began to brighten up and also blow +up their biceps muscles. + +[Illustration: _He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should +say, "Have you got any more of that there red paint left?"_ (Page 105)] + +One day he was especially mean at breakfast. A large fat worm, brought +to him by the flower of his harem, had a slight gamey flavor, he seemed +to think, and so he got mad and bit several chickens with his great +coarse beak and stepped on some more and made a perfect show of himself. + +At this moment a small bantam wearing one eye still in mourning danced +up and kicked Sumner's eye out. Then another rival knocked the stuffing +for a whole sofa pillow out of Sumner, and retired. By this time the +surprised and gratified hens stepped back and gave the boys a chance. +The bantam now put on his trim little telegraph climbers and, going up +Mr. Sumner's powerful frame at about four jumps, he put in some repairs +on the giant's features, presented his bill, and returned. By nine +o'clock Sumner didn't have features enough left for a Sunday paper. He +looked as if he had been through the elevated station at City Hall and +Brooklyn bridge. He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should +say, "Have you got any more of that there red paint left?" But I shook +my head at him and he went away into a little patch of catnip and +stayed there four days. After that you could get that rooster to do +anything for you--except lay. He was gentle to a fault. He would run +errands for those hens and turn an icecream freezer for them all day +on lawn festival days while others were gay. He never murmured nor +repined. He was kind to the little chickens and often spoke to them +about the general advantages of humility. + +After many years of usefulness Sumner one day thoughtlessly ate the +remains of a salt mackerel, and pulling the drapery of his couch about +him he lay down to pleasant dreams, and life's fitful fever was over. +His remains were given to a poor family in whom I take a great interest, +frequently giving them many things for which I have no especial use. + +This should teach us that some people can not stand prosperity, but need +a little sorrow, ever and anon, to teach them where they belong. And, +oh! how the great world smiles when a rooster, who has owned the ranch +for a year or so, and made himself odious, gets spread out over the +United States by a smaller one with less voice. + +The study of the fowl is filled with interest. Of late years I keep +fowls instead of a garden. Formerly my neighbors kept fowls and I kept +the garden. + +It is better as it is. + +Mertie Kersykes, Whatcom, Washington, writes as follows: "Dear Mr. Nye, +does pugilists ever reform? They are so much brought into Contax with +course natures that I do not see how they can ever, ever become good +lives or become professors of religion. Do you know if such is the case +to the best of your knowledge, and answeer Soon as convenient, and so no +more at Present." + + + + +AS A CANDIDATE + +XII + + +The heat and venom of each political campaign bring back to my mind with +wonderful clearness the bitter and acrimonious war, and the savage +factional fight, which characterized my own legislative candidacy in +what was called the Prairie Dog District of Wyoming, about ten years +ago. This district was known far and wide as the battleground of the +territory, and generally when the sun went down on the eve of election +day the ground had that disheveled and torn-up appearance peculiar to +the grave of Brigham Young the next day after his aggregated widow has +held her regular annual sob recital and scalding-tear festival. + +I hesitated about accepting the nomination because I knew that +Vituperation would get up on its hind feet and annoy me greatly, and I +had reason to believe that no pains would be spared on the part of the +management of the opposition to make my existence a perfect bore. This +turned out to be the case, and although I was nominated in a way that +seemed to indicate perfect harmony, it was not a week before the +opposition organ, to which I had frequently loaned print paper when it +could not get its own C. O. D. paper out of the express office, said as +follows in a startled and double-leaded tone of voice: + + +"HUMILIATING DISCLOSURE. + + "The candidate for assembly in this district, whose trans-Missouri + name seems to be Nye, turns out to be the same man who left + Penobscot county, Maine, in the dark of the moon four years ago. + Mr. Nye's disappearance was so mysterious that prominent + Penobscoters, especially the sheriff, offered a large reward for + his person. It was afterwards learned that he was kidnapped + and taken across the Canadian line by a high-spirited + and high-stepping horse valued at $1,300. Mr. Nye's candidacy for + the high office to which he aspires has brought him into such + prominence that at the mass meeting held last evening in Jimmy + Avery's barber-shop, he was recognized at once by a Maine man while + making a telling speech in favor of putting in a stone culvert at + the draw above Mandel's ranch. The man from Maine, who is visiting + our thriving little town with a view to locating here and + establishing an agency for his world-renowned rock-alum axe-helves, + says that Mr. Nye, in the hurry and rush incident to his departure + for Canada, overlooked his wife and seven little ones. He also says + that the candidate's boasted liberality here is different from the + kind he was using while in Maine, and quotes the following + incident: Two years before he went away from Penobscot county, one + of our present candidate's children was playing on the railroad + track of the Bangor & Moosehead Lake Railroad, when suddenly there + was a wild shriek of the iron-horse, a timid, scared cry of the + child, and the rushing train was upon it. Spectators turned away + in horror. The air was heavy, and the sun seemed to stop its + shining. Slowly the long freight train, loaded with its rich + freight of huckleberries, came to a halt. A glad cry went up from + the assembly as the broad-shouldered engineer came out of the tall + grass with the crowing child in his arms. Then cheer on cheer rent + the air, and in the midst of it all, Mr. Nye appeared. He was told + of the circumstance, and, as he wrung the hand of the engineer, + tears stood in his eyes. Then, reaching in his pocket, he drew + forth a card, and writing his autograph on it, he gave it to the + astounded engineer, telling him to use it wisely and not fritter it + away. 'But are you not robbing yourself?' exclaimed the astonished + and delighted engineer. 'No, oh no,' said the munificent parent, 'I + have others left.' And this is the man who asks our suffrages! Will + you vote for him or for Alick Meyerdinger, the purest one-legged + man that ever rapped with his honest knuckles on top of a bar and + asked the boys to put a name to it." + +I was pained to read this, for I had not at that time toyed much with +politics, but I went up stairs and practiced an hour or two on a hollow +laugh that I thought would hide the pain which seemed to tug at my +heart-strings. For the rest of the day I strolled about town bearing a +lurid campaign smile that looked about as joyous as the light-hearted +gambols of a tin horse. + +I visited my groceryman, a man whom I felt that I could trust, and who +had honored me in the same way. He said that I ought to be indorsed by +my fellow-citizens. "What! All of them?" I exclaimed, with a choking +sensation, for I had once tried to be indorsed by one of my +fellow-citizens and was not entirely successful. "No," said he, "but you +ought to be ratified and indorsed by those who know you best and love +you most." + +"Well," said I, "will you attend to that?" + +"Yes, of course I will. You must not give up hope. Where do you buy your +meat?" + +I told him the name of my butcher. + +"And do you owe him about the same that you do me?" + +I said I didn't think there could be $5 one way or the other. + +"Well, give me a memorandum of what you can call to mind that you owe +around town. I will see all these parties and we will get them together +and work up a strong and hearty home indorsement for you, which will +enable you to settle with all of us at par in the event of your +election." + +I gave him a list. + +That evening a load of lumber was deposited on my lawn, and a man came +in to borrow a few pounds of fence nails. I asked him what he wanted to +do, for I thought he was going to nail a campaign lie or something. He +said he was the man who was sent up to build a kind of "trussle" in +front of my house. "What for?" I asked, with eyes like a startled fawn. +"Why, for the speakers to stand on," he said. "It is a kind of a +combination racket. Something between a home indorsement and a +mass-meeting of creditors. You are to be surprised and gratified +to-morrow evening, as near as I can make out." + +He then built a wobbly scaffold, one end of which was nailed to the bay +window of the house. + +The next evening my heart swelled when I heard a campaign band coming up +the street, trying to see how little it could play and still draw its +salary. The band was followed by men with torches, and speakers in +carriages. A messenger was sent into the house to tell me that I was +about to be waited upon by my old friends and neighbors, who desired to +deliver to me their hearty indorsement, and a large willow-covered +two-gallon godspeed as a mark of esteem. + +[Illustration: _"Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I +thank God that you are POOR!!!"_ (Page 115)] + +The spokesman, as soon as I had stepped out on my veranda, mounted the +improvised platform previously erected, and after a short and +debilitated solo and chorus by the band, said as follows, as near as I +can now recall his words: + + "_Mr. Nye_-- + +"SIR: We have read with pain the open and venomous attacks of the foul +and putrid press of our town, and come here to-night to vindicate by our +presence your utter innocence _as_ a man, _as_ a fellow-citizen, _as_ +a neighbor, _as_ a father, mother, brother or sister. + +"No one could look down into your open face, and deep, earnest lungs, +and then doubt you _as_ a man, _as_ a fellow-citizen, _as_ a neighbor, +_as_ a father, mother, brother or sister. You came to us a poor man, and +staked your all on the growth of this town. We like you because you are +still poor. You can not be too poor to suit us. It shows that you are +not corrupt. + +"Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I thank God that +you are POOR!!!" + +He then drew from his pocket a little memorandum, and, holding it up to +a torch, so that he could see it better, said that Mr. Limberquid would +emit a few desultory remarks. + +Mr. Limberquid, to whom I was at that time indebted for past favors in +the meat line, or, as you may say, the tenderloin, through no fault of +mine, then arose and said, in words and figures as follows, to wit: + +"SIR: I desire to say that we who know Mr. Nye best are here to say that +he certainly has one of the most charming wives in this territory. What +do we care for the vilifications of the press--a press, hired, venial, +corrupt, reeking in filth and oozy with the slime of its own impaired +circulation, snapping at the heels of its superiors, and steeped in the +reeking poison and pollution of its own shopworn and unmarketable +opinions? + +"We do not care a cuss! (Applause.) What do we care that homely men +grudge our candidate his symmetry of form and graceful upholstered +carriage? What do we care that calumny crawls out of its hole, +calumniates him a couple of times and then goes back? We are here +to-night to show by our presence that we like Mrs. Nye very much. She is +a good cook, and she would certainly do honor to this district as a +social leader, in case she should go to Cheyenne as the wife of our +assemblyman. I propose three cheers for her, fellow-citizens." +(Applause, cheers and throbs of base-drum.) + +Mr. Sherrod then said: + +"FELLER-CITIZENS: We glory in the fact that Whatshisname--Nye here, is +pore. We like him for the poverty he has made. Our idee in runnin' of +him fer the legislater, as I take it, is to not only run him along in +this here kind of hand-to-mouth poverty, but to kind of give him a +chance to accumulate poverty, and have some saved up fer a rainy day. + +"I kin call to mind how he looked when he come to this territory a pore +boy, and took off his coat and went right to work dealin' faro nights, +and earning his bread by the sweat of a sweat-board daytimes, for Tom +Dillon, acrost from the express office. And I say he is not a clost man. +He gives his money where folks don't git on to it. He don't git out the +band when he goes to do a kind act, but kind of sneaks around to people +who are in need, and offers to match 'em fer the cigars. + +"He's a feller of generous impulses, gentlemen, or at least I so regard +him, and I say here to-night, that if his other vitals was as big and +warm as his heart, he would live to deckorate the graves of nations yet +unborn." + +Several people wept here, and wiped their eyes on their alabaster hands. +I then sent my maid around through the audience with a bucketful of Salt +Lake cider, and a dishpan full of doughnuts, to restore good feeling. +But I can not soon forget how proud I was when I felt the hot tears and +doughnut crumbs of my fellow-citizens raining down my back. + +The band then played, "See the Conquering Hero Comes," and yielding to +the pressing demands of the populi, I made a few irrelevant, but low, +passionate remarks, as follows: + +"FELLOW-CITIZENS AND MEMBERS OF THE BAND--We are not here, as I +understand it, solely to tickle our palates with the twisted doughnuts +of our pampered and sin-cursed civilization, but to unite and give our +pledges once more to the support of the best men. In this teacup of +foaming and impervious cider from the Valley of the Jordan I drink to +the success of the best men. Fellow-citizens and members of the band, +we owe our fealty to the old party. Let us cling to the old party as +long as there is any juice in it and vote for its candidates. Let us +give our suffrages to men of advanced thought who are loyal to their +party but poor. Gentlemen, I am what would be called a poor but brainy +man. When I am not otherwise engaged you will always find me engaged in +thought. I love the excitement of following an idea and chasing it up a +tree. It is a great pleasure for me to pursue the red-hot trail of a +thought or the intellectual spoor of an idea. But I do not allow this +habit to interfere with politics. Politics and thought are radically +different. Why should man think himself weak on these political matters +when there are men who have made it their business and life study to do +the thinking for the masses? + +"This is my platform. I believe that a candidate should be poor; that he +should be a thinker on other matters, but leave political matters and +nominations to professional political ganglia and molders of primaries +who have given their lives and the inner coating of their stomachs to +the advancement of political methods by which the old, cumbersome and +dangerous custom of defending our institutions with drawn swords may be +superseded by the modern and more attractive method of doing so with +overdrawn salaries. + +"Fellow-citizens and members of the band, in closing let me say that you +have seen me placed in the trying position of postmaster for the past +year. For that length of time I have stood between you and the +government at Washington. I have assisted in upholding the strong arm of +the government, and yet I have not allowed it to crush you. No man here +to-night can say that I have ever, by word or deed, revealed outside the +office the contents of a postal card addressed to a member of my own +party or held back or obstructed the progress of new and startling seeds +sent by our representative from the Agricultural Department. I am in +favor of a full and free interchange of interstate red-eyed and pale +beans, and I favor the early advancement and earnest recognition of the +merits of the highly offensive partisan. I thank you, neighbors and band +(husky and pianissimo), for this gratifying little demonstration. Words +seem empty and unavailing at this time. Will you not accept the +hospitality of my home? Neighbors, you are welcome to these halls. Come +in and look at the family album." + +The meeting then became informal, and the chairman asked me as he came +down from his perch how I would be fixed by the first of the month. I +told him that I could not say, but hoped that money matters would show +less apathy by that time. + +I have already taken up too much space, however, in this simple recital, +and I have only room to say that I was not elected, and that of the +seventy-five who came up to indorse me and then go home exhilarated by +my cheering doughnuts, forty voted for the other man, thereby electing +him by a plurality of everybody. Home indorsement, hard-boiled eggs and +hot tears of reconciliation can never fool me again. They are as empty +as the bass drum by which they are invariably accompanied. A few years +ago a majority of the voters of a newly-fledged city in Wisconsin signed +a petition asking a gentleman named Bradshaw to run for the office of +mayor. He said he did not want it, but if a majority had signified in +writing that they needed him every hour, he would allow his name to be +used. They then turned in and defeated him by a handsome majority, thus +showing that the average patriotism of the present day has a string to +it. + + Who was the first to make the claim + That I would surely win the game, + But now that Dennis is my name? + The Patriot. + + Who stated that my chance was best, + And came and wept upon my breast, + Only to knock me galley West? + The Patriot. + + Who told me of the joy he felt, + While he upon my merits dwelt? + Who then turned in and took my pelt? + The Patriot. + + + + +SUMMER BOARDERS AND OTHERS + +XIII + + +"We kep' summer boarders the past season," said Orlando McCusick, of +East Kortright, to me as we sat in the springhouse and drank cold milk +from a large yellow bowl with white stripes around it; "we kep' boarders +from town all summer in the Catskills, and that is why I don't figger on +doing of it this year. You fellers that writes the pieces and makes the +pictures of us folks what keeps the boarders has got the laugh on us as +a general thing, but I would like to be interviewed a little for the +press, so's that I can be set right before the American people." + +"Well, if you will state the case fairly and honestly, I will try to +give you a chance." + +"In the first place," said Orlando, taking off his boot and removing his +jack-knife which had worked its way through his pocket and down his +leg, then squinting along the new "tap" with one eye to see how it was +wearing before he put it on, "I did not know how healthy it was here +until I read in a railroad pamphlet, I guess you call it, where it says +that the relation of temperature to oxygen in a certain quantity of air +is of the highest importance. 'In a cubic foot,' it says, 'of air at +3,000 feet elevation, with a temperature of 32 degrees, there is as much +oxygen as in a like amount of air at sea level with a temperature of 65 +degrees. Another important fact that should not be lost sight of,' this +able feller says, 'by those affected by pulmonary diseases, is that +three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in activity as in +repose.' (Hence the hornet's nests introduced by me last season.) 'Then +in climates made stimulating by increased electric tension and cold, +activity must be followed by an increased endosmose of oxygen." + +"So you decided to select and furnish endosmose of oxygen to sufferers?" + +[Illustration: ... _'Three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in +activity as in repose.' (Hence the hornet's nests introduced by me last +season.)_ (Page 124)] + +"Yes. I went into it with no notions of making a pile of money, but I +argued that these folks would give anything for health. We folks are +apt to argy that people from town are all well off and liberal, and that +if they can come out and get all the buttermilk and straw rides they +want, and a little flush of color and a wood-tick on the back of their +necks, they don't reck a pesky reck what it costs. This is only +occasionly so. Ask any doctor you know of if the average man won't give +anything to save his life, and then when it's saved put his propity into +his womern's name. That's human. You know the good book says a pure man +from New York is the noblest work of God." + +"Well, when did this desire to endosmose your fellow-man first break out +on you?" + +"About a year and a half ago it began to rankle in my mind. I read up +everything I could get hold of regarding the longevity and such things +to be had here. In the winter I sent in a fair, honest, advertisement +regarding my place, and, Judas H. Priest! before I could say 'scat' in +the spring, here came letters by the dozen, mostly from school-teachers +at first, that had a good command of language, but did not come. I +afterwards learned that these letters was frequently wrote by folks that +was not able to go into the country, so wrote these letters for mental +improvement, hoping also that some one in the country might want them +for the refinement they would engender in the family. + +"I took one young woman from town once, and allowed her 25 per cent. off +for her refining influence. Her name was Etiquette McCracken. She knew +very little in the first place, and had added to it a good deal by +storing up in her mind a lot of membranous theories and damaged facts +that ought to ben looked over and disinfected. She was the most hopeless +case I ever saw, Mr. Nye. She was a metropolitan ass. You know that a +town greenhorn is the greenest greenhorn in the world, because he can't +be showed anything. He knows it all. Well, Etiquette McCracken very nigh +paralyzed what few manners my children had. She pointed at things at +table, and said she wanted some o' that, and she had a sort of a starved +way of eating, and short breath, and seemed all the time apprehensive. +She probably et off the top of a flour barrel at home. She came and +stayed all summer at our house, with a wardrobe which was in a +shawl-strap wrapped up in a programme of one of them big theaters on +Bowery street. I guess she led a gay life in the city. She said she did. +She said if her set was at our house they would make it ring with +laughter. I said if they did I'd wring their cussed necks with laughter. +'Why,' she says, 'don't you like merriment?' 'Yes,' I says, 'I like +merriment well enough, but the cackle of a vacant mind rattling around +in a big farmhouse makes me a fiend, and unmans me, and I gnaw up two or +three people a day till I get over it,' I says." + +"Well, what became of Miss McCracken?" + +"Oh, she went up to her room in September, dressed herself in a long +linen duster, did some laundry work, and the next day, with her little +shawl-strap, she lit out for the city, where she was engaged to marry a +very wealthy old man whose mind had been crowded out by an intellectual +tumor, but who had a kind heart and had pestered her to death for years +to marry him and inherit his wealth. I afterwards learned that in this +matter she had lied." + +"Did you meet any other pleasant people last season?" + +"Yes. I met some blooded children from Several Hundred and Fifth street. +They come here so's they could get a breath of country air and wear out +their old cloze. Their mother said the poor things wanted to get out of +the mawlstrum of meetropolitan life. She said it was awful where they +lived. Just one round of gayety all the while. They come down and salted +my hens, and then took and turned in and chased a new milch cow eight +miles, with two of 'em holdin' of her by the tail, and another on top of +her with a pair of Buffalo Bill spurs and a false face, yelling like a +volunteer fire company. Then the old lady kicked because we run short of +milk. Said it was great if she couldn't have milk when she come to the +wilderness to live and paid her little old $3 a week just as regular as +Saturday night come round. + +"These boys picked on mine all summer because my boys was plain little +fellers with no underwear, but good impulses and a general desire to lay +low and eventually git there, understand. My boys is considerable +bleached as regards hair, and freckled as to features, and they are not +ready in conversation like a town boy, but they would no more drive a +dumb animal through the woods till it was all het up, or take a new +milch cow and scare the daylights out of her, and yell at her and pull +out her tail, and send her home with her pores all open, than they'd be +sent to the legislature without a crime. + +"A neighbor of mine that see these boys when they was scarin' my cow to +death said if they'd of been his'n he'd rather foller 'em to their grave +than seen 'em do that. That's putting of it rather strong, but I believe +I would myself. + +"We had a nice old man that come out here to attend church, he said. He +belonged to a big church in town, where it cost him so much that he +could hardly look his Maker in the face, he said. Last winter, he told +us, they sold the pews at auction, and he had an affection for one, +'specially 'cause he and his wife had set in it all their lives, and now +that she was dead he wanted it, as he wanted the roof that had been over +them all their married lives. So he went down when they auctioned 'em +off, as it seems they do in those big churches, and the bidding started +moderate, but run up till they put a premium on his'n that froze him +out, and he had to take a cheap one where he couldn't hear very well, +and it made him sort of bitter. Then in May, he says, the Palestine rash +broke out among the preachers in New York, and most of 'em had to go to +the Holy Land to get over it, because that is the only thing you can do +with the Palestine rash when it gets a hold on a pastor. So he says to +me, 'I come out here mostly to see if I could get any information from +the Throne of Grace.' + +"He was a rattlin' fine old feller, and told me a good deal about one +thing and another. He said he'd seen it stated in the paper that +salvation was free, but in New York he said it was pretty well +protected for an old-established industry. + +"He knew Deacon Decker pretty well. Deacon Decker was an old playmate of +Russell Sage, but didn't do so well as Russ did. He went once to New +York after he got along in years, and Sage knew him, but he couldn't +seem to place Sage. 'Why, Decker,' says Sage, 'don't you know me?' +Decker says, 'That's all right. You bet I know ye. You're one of these +fellows that knows everybody. There's another feller around the corner +that helps you to remember folks. I know ye. I read the papers. Git out. +Scat. Torment ye, I ain't in here to-day buyin' green goods, nor yet to +lift a freight bill for ye. So avaunt before I sick the police on ye.' + +"Finally Russ identified himself, and shook dice with the deacon to see +which should buy the lunch at the dairy kitchen. This is a true story, +told me by an old neighbor of Deacon Decker's. + +"Deacon Decker once discovered a loose knot in his pew seat in church, +and while considering the plan of redemption, thoughtlessly pushed with +considerable force on this knot with his thumb. At first it resisted the +pressure, but finally it slipped out and was succeeded by the deacon's +thumb. No one saw it, so the deacon, slightly flushed, gave it a +stealthy wrench, but the knot-hole had a sharp conical bottom, and the +edge soon caught and secured the rapidly swelling thumb of Deacon +Decker. + +"During the closing prayer he worked at it with great diligence and all +the saliva he could spare, but it resisted. It was a sad sight. Finally +he gave it up, and said to himself the struggle was useless. He tried to +be resigned and wait till all had gone. He shook his head when the plate +was passed to him, and only bowed when the brethren passed him on the +way out. Some thought that maybe he was cursed with doubts, but reckoned +that they would pass away. + +"Finally he was missed outside. He was generally so chipper and so +cheery. So his wife was asked about him. 'Why, father's inside. I'll go +and get him. I never knew him to miss shaking hands with all the +folks.' + +"So she went in and found Deacon Decker trying to interest himself with +a lesson leaf in one hand, while his other was concealed under his hat. +He could fool the neighbors, but he could not fool his wife, and so she +hustled around and told one or two, who told their wives, and they all +came back to see the deacon and make suggestions to him. + +"This little incident is true, and while it does not contain any special +moral, it goes to show that an honest man gathers no moss, and also +explains a large circular hole, and the tin patch over it, which may +still be seen in the pew where Deacon Decker used to sit." + + + + +THREE OPEN LETTERS + +XIV + + +_Colonel John L. Sullivan, at large:_ + +DEAR SIR--Will you permit me, without wishing to give you the slightest +offense, to challenge you to fight in France with bare knuckles and +police interference, between this and the close of navigation? + +I have had no real good fight with anybody for some time, and should be +glad to co-operate with you in that direction, preferring, however, to +have it attended to in time so that I can go on with my fall plowing. I +should also like to be my own stake holder. + +We shall have to fight at 135 pounds, because I can not train above that +figure without extra care and good feeding, while you could train down +to that, I judge, if you begin to go without food on receipt of this +challenge. I should ask that we fight under the rules of the London +prize ring, in the Opera House in Paris. If you decide to accept, I will +engage the house at once and put a few good reading notices in the +papers. + +I should expect a forfeit of $5,000 to be put up, so that in case you +are in jail at the time, I may have something to reimburse me for my +trip to Paris and the general upheaval of my whole being which arises +from ocean travel. + +I challenge you as a plain American citizen and an amateur, partially to +assert the rights of a simple tax-payer and partly to secure for myself +a name. I was, as a boy, the pride of my parents, and they wanted me to +amount to something. So far, the results have been different. Will you +not aid me, a poor struggler in the great race for supremacy, to obtain +that notice which the newspapers now so reluctantly yield? You are said +to be generous to a fault, especially your own faults, and I plead with +you now to share your great fame by accepting my challenge and appearing +with me in a mixed programme for the evening, in which we will jointly +amuse and instruct the people, while at the same time it will give me a +chance to become great in one day, even if I am defeated. + +I have often admired your scholarly and spiritual expressions, and your +modest life, and you will remember that at one time I asked you for your +autograph, and you told me to go where the worm dieth not and the fire +department is ineffectual. Will you not, I ask, aid a struggler and +panter for fame, who desires the eye of the public, even if his own be +italicised at the same time? + +I must close this challenge, which is in the nature of an appeal to one +of America's best-known men. Will you accept my humble challenge, so +that I can go into training at once? We can leave the details of the +fight to the _Mail and Express_, if you will, and the championship belt +we can buy afterward. All I care for is the honor of being mixed up with +you in some way, and enough of the gate money to pay for arnica and +medical attendance. + +Will you do it? + +I know the audience would enjoy seeing us dressed for the fray, you so +strong and so wide, I so pensive and so flat busted about the chest. Let +us proceed at once, Colonel, to draw up the writings and begin to train. +You will never regret it, I am sure, and it will be the making of me. + +I do not know your address, but trust that this will reach you through +this book, for, as I write, you are on you way toward Canada, with a +requisition and the police reaching after you at every town. + +I am glad to hear that you are not drinking any more, especially while +engaged in sleep. If you only confine your drinking to your waking +hours, you may live to be a very old man, and your great, massive brain +will continue to expand until your hat will not begin to hold it. + +What do you think of Browning? I should like to converse with you on the +subject before the fight, and get your soul's best sentiments on his +style of intangible thought wave. + +I will meet you at Havre or Calais, and agree with you how hard we shall +hit each other. I saw, at a low variety show the other day, two +pleasing comedians who welted each other over the stomach with canes, +and also pounded each other on the head with sufficient force to explode +percussion caps on the top of the skull, and yet without injury. Do you +not think that a prize-fight could be thus provided for? I will see +these men, if you say so, and learn their methods. + +Remember, it is not the punishment of a prize-fight for which I yearn, +but the effulgent glory of meeting you in the ring, and having the +cables and the press associate my budding name with that of a man who +has done so much to make men better--a man whose name will go down to +posterity as that of one who sought to ameliorate and mellow and +desiccate his fellow-men. + +I will now challenge you once more, with great respect, and beg leave to +remain, yours very truly, + + BILL NYE. + + +_Hon. Ferdinand de Lesseps, Paris, France:_ + +DEAR SIR--I have some shares in the canal which you have been working +on, and I am compelled to hypothecate them this summer, in order to +paint my house. You have great faith in the future of the enterprise, +and so I will give you the first chance on this stock of mine. You have +suffered so much in order to do this work that I want to see the stock +get into your hands. You deserve it. You shall have it. Ferdie, if you +will send me a post-office money order by return mail, covering the par +value of five hundred shares, I will lose the premium, because I am a +little pressed for money. The painters will be through next week, and +will want their pay. + +As I say, I want to see you own the canal, for in fancy I can see you as +you toiled down there in the hot sun, floating your wheelbarrow and your +bonds down the valley with your perspiration. I can see you in the +morning, with hot, red hands and a tin dinner pail, going to your toil, +a large red cotton handkerchief sticking out of your hip pocket. + +So I have decided that you ought to have control, if possible, of this +great water front; besides, you have a larger family than I have to +support. When I heard that you were the father of fifteen little +children, and that you were in the sere and yellow leaf, I said to +myself, a man with that many little mouths to feed, at the age of +eighty, shall have the first crack at my stock. And so, if you will send +the face value as soon as possible, I will say bong jaw, messue. + + Yours truly, + + BILL NYE. + + +_To the Seven Haired Sisters, 'Steenth Street, New York:_ + +MESDAMES, MAMSELLES AND FELLOW-CITIZENS--I write these few lines to say +that I am well and hope this will find you all enjoying the same great +blessing. How pleasant it is for sisters to dwell together in unity and +beloved by mankind. You must indeed have a good time standing in the +window day after day, pulling your long hair through your fingers with +pride. When I first saw you all thus engaged, for the benefit of the +public, I thought it was a candy pull. + +I now write to say that the hair promoter which you sold me at the time +is not up to its work. It was a year ago that I bought it, and I think +that in a year something ought to show. It is a great nuisance for a +public man who is liable to come home late at night to have to top-dress +his head before he can retire. Your directions involve great care and +trouble to a man in my position, and still I have tried faithfully to +follow them. What is the result? Nothing but disappointment, and not so +very much of that. + +You said, if you remember, that your father was a bald-headed clergyman, +but one day, with a wild shriek of "Eureka!" he discovered this hair +encourager, and for the rest of his life filled his high hat with hair +every time he put it on. You said that at first a fine growth of down, +like the inside of a mouse's ear, would be seen, after that the blade, +then the stalk, and the full corn in the ear. In a pig's ear, I am now +led to believe. + +Fair, but false seven-haired sisters, I now bid you adieu. You have lost +in me a good, warm, true-hearted, and powerful friend. Ask me not for my +indorsement, or for my before and after taking pictures to use in your +circulars; I give my kind words and photographs hereafter to the soap +men. They are what they seem. You are not. + +When a woman betrays me she must beware. And when seven of them do so, +it is that much worse. You fooled me with smiles and false promises, and +now it will be just as well for you to look out. I would rather die than +be betrayed. It is disagreeable. It sours one, and also embitters one. + +Here at this point our ways will diverge. The roads fork at this place. +I shall go on upward and onward hairless and cappy, also careless and +happy, to my goal in life. I do not know whether each or either of you +have provided yourselves with goals or not, but if not you will do well +now to select some. The world may smile upon you, and gold pour into +your coffers, but the day will come when you will have to wrap the +drapery of your hair about you and lie down to pleasant dreams. Then +will arise the thought, alas!--Then You'll Remember Me. + +I now close this letter, leaving you to the keen pangs of remorse and +the cruel jabs of unavailing regret. Some people are born bald, others +acquire baldness, whilst still others have baldness thrust upon them +with a paint brush. Some are bald on the outside of their heads, others +on the inside. But oh, girls, beware of baldness on the soul. I ask you, +even if you are the daughters of a clergyman, to think seriously of what +I have said. + + Yours truly, + + BILL NYE. + + + + +THE DUBIOUS FUTURE + +XV + + +Without wishing to alarm the American people, or create a panic, I +desire briefly and seriously to discuss the great question, "Whither are +we drifting, and what is to be the condition of the coming man?" We can +not shut our eyes to the fact that mankind is passing through a great +era of change; even womankind is not built as she was a few brief years +ago. And is it not time, fellow citizens, that we pause to consider what +is to be the future of the American? + +Food itself has been the subject of change both in the matter of +material and preparation. This must affect the consumer in such a way as +to some day bring about great differences. Take, for instance, the +oyster, one of our comparatively modern food and game fishes, and watch +the effects of science upon him. At one time the oyster browsed around +and ate what he could find in Neptune's back-yard, +and we had to eat him as we found him. Now we take a herd of oysters off +the trail, all run down, and feed them artificially till they swell up +to a fancy size, and bring a fancy price. Where will this all lead at +last, I ask as a careful scientist? Instead of eating apples, as Adam +did, we work the fruit up into apple-jack and pie, while even the simple +oyster is perverted, and instead of being allowed to fatten up in the +fall on acorns and ancient mariners, spurious flesh is put on his bones +by the artificial osmose and dialysis of our advanced civilization. How +can you make an oyster stout or train him down by making him jerk a +health lift so many hours every day, or cultivate his body at the +expense of his mind, without ultimately not only impairing the future +usefulness of the oyster himself, but at the same time affecting the +future of the human race who feed upon him? + +I only use the oyster as an illustration, and I do not wish to cause +alarm, but I say that if we stimulate the oyster artificially and swell +him up by scientific means, we not only do so at the expense of his +better nature and keep him away from his family, but we are making our +mark on the future race of men. Oyster-fattening is now, of course, in +its infancy. Only a few years ago an effort was made at St. Louis to +fatten cove oysters while in the can, but the system was not well +understood, and those who had it in charge only succeeded in making the +can itself more plump. But now oysters are kept on ground feed and given +nothing to do for a few weeks, and even the older and overworked +sway-backed and rickety oysters of the dim and murky past are made to +fill out, and many of them have to put a gore in the waistband of their +shells. I only speak of the oyster incidentally, as one of the objects +toward which science has turned its attention, and I assert with the +utmost confidence that the time will come, unless science should get a +set-back, when the present hunting-case oyster will give place to the +open-face oyster, grafted on the octopus and big enough to feed a +hotel. Further than that, the oyster of the future will carry in a +hip-pocket a flask of vinegar, half a dozen lemons and two little +Japanese bottles, one of which will contain salt and the other pepper, +and there will be some way provided by which you can tell which is +which. But are we improving the oyster now? That is a question we may +well ask ourselves. Is this a healthy fat which we are putting on him, +or is it bloat? And what will be the result in the home-life of the +oyster? We take him from all domestic influences whatever in order to +make a swell of him by our modern methods, but do we improve his +condition morally, and what is to be the great final result on man? + +The reader will see by the questions I ask that I am a true scientist. +Give me an overcoat pocket full of lower-case interrogation marks and +a medical report to run to, and I can speak on the matter of science and +advancement till Reason totters on her throne. + +But food and oysters do not alone affect the great, pregnant future. Our +race is being tampered with not only by means of adulterations, +political combinations and climatic changes, but even our methods of +relaxation are productive of peculiar physical conditions, malformations +and some more things of the same kind. + +Cigarette smoking produces a flabby and endogenous condition of the +optic nerve, and constant listening at a telephone, always with the same +ear, decreases the power of the other ear till it finally just stands +around drawing its salary, but actually refusing to hear anything. +Carrying an eight-pound cane makes a man lopsided, and the muscular and +nervous strain that is necessary to retain a single eyeglass in place +and keep it out of the soup, year after year, draws the mental stimulus +that should go to the thinker itself, until at last the mind wanders +away and forgets to come back, or becomes atrophied, and the great +mental strain incident to the work of pounding sand or coming in when it +rains is more than it is equal to. + +Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of pounding on the +floor with the butt of the cue ever and anon, produces at last optical +illusions, phantasmagoria and visions of pink spiders with navy-blue +abdomens. Base-ball is not alone highly injurious to the umpire, but it +also induces crooked fingers, bone spavin and hives among habitual +players. Jumping the rope induces heart disease. Poker is unduly +sedentary in its nature. Bicycling is highly injurious, especially to +skittish horses. Boating induces malaria. Lawn tennis can not be played +in the house. Archery is apt to be injurious to those who stand around +and watch the game, and pugilism is a relaxation that jars heavily on +some natures. + +[Illustration: _Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of +pounding on the floor with the butt of the cue ever and anon, produces +at last optical illusions_ (Page 149)] + +Foot-ball produces what may be called the endogenous or ingrowing +toenail, stringhalt and mania. Copenhagen induces a melancholy, and the +game of bean bag is unduly exciting. Horse racing is too brief and +transitory as an outdoor game, requiring weeks and months for +preparation and lasting only long enough for a quick person to ejaculate +"Scat!" The pitcher's arm is a new disease, the outgrowth of base-ball; +the lawn-tennis elbow is another result of a popular open-air +amusement, and it begins to look as though the coming American would +hear with one overgrown telephonic ear, while the other will be +rudimentary only. He will have an abnormal base-ball arm with a +lawn-tennis elbow, a powerful foot-ball-kicking leg with the superior +toe driven back into the palm of his foot. He will have a highly trained +biceps muscle over his eye to retain his glass, and that eye will be +trained to shoot a curved glance over a high hat and witness anything on +the stage. + +Other features grow abnormal, or shrink up from the lack of use, as a +result of our customs. For instance, the man whose business it is to get +along a crowded street with the utmost speed will have, finally, a hard, +sharp horn growing on each elbow, and a pair of spurs growing out of +each ankle. These will enable him to climb over a crowd and get there +early. Constant exposure to these weapons on the part of the pedestrian +will harden the walls of the thorax and abdomen until the coming man +will be an impervious man. The citizen who avails himself of all modern +methods of conveyance will ride from his door on the horse car to the +elevated station, where an elevator will elevate him to the train and a +revolving platform will swing him on board, or possibly the street car +will be lifted from the surface track to the elevated track, and the +passenger will retain his seat all the time. Then a man will simply hang +out a red card, like an express card, at his door, and a combination car +will call for him, take him to the nearest elevated station, elevate +him, car and all, to the track, take him where he wants to go, and call +for him at any hour of the night to bring him home. He will do his +exercising at home, chiefly taking artificial sea baths, jerking a +rowing machine or playing on a health lift till his eyes hang out on his +cheeks, and he need not do any walking whatever. In that way the coming +man will be over-developed above the legs, and his lower limbs will look +like the desolate stems of a frozen geranium. Eccentricities of limb +will be handed over like baldness from father to son among the dwellers +in the cities, where every advantage in the way of rapid transit is to +be had, until a metropolitan will be instantly picked out by his able +digestion and rudimentary legs, just as we now detect the gentleman from +the interior by his wild endeavors to overtake an elevated train. + +In fact, Mr. Edison has now perfected, or announced that he is on the +road to the perfection of, a machine which I may be pardoned for calling +a storage think-tank. This will enable a brainy man to sit at home, and, +with an electric motor and a perfected phonograph, he can think into a +tin dipper or funnel, which will, by the aid of electricity and a new +style of foil, record and preserve his ideas on a sheet of soft metal, +so that when any one says to him, "A penny for your thoughts," he can go +to his valise and give him a piece of his mind. Thus the man who has +such wild and beautiful thoughts in the night and never can hold on to +them long enough to turn on the gas and get his writing materials, can +set this thing by the head of his bed, and, when the poetic thought +comes to him in the stilly night, he can think into a hopper, and the +genius of Franklin and Edison together will enable him to fire it back +at his friends in the morning while they eat their pancakes and glucose +syrup from Vermont, or he can mail the sheet of tinfoil to absent +friends, who may put it into their phonographs and utilize it. In this +way the world may harness the gray matter of its best men, and it will +be no uncommon thing to see a dozen brainy men tied up in a row in the +back office of an intellectual syndicate, dropping pregnant thoughts +into little electric coffee mills for a couple of hours a day, after +which they can put on their coats, draw their pay, and go home. + +All this will reduce the quantity of exercise, both mental and physical. +Two men with good brains could do the thinking for 60,000,000 of people +and feel perfectly fresh and rested the next day. Take four men, we will +say, two to do the day thinking and two more to go on deck at night, and +see how much time the rest of the world would have to go fishing. See +how politics would become simplified. Conventions, primaries, bargains +and sales, campaign bitterness and vituperation--all might be wiped out. +A pair of political thinkers could furnish 100,000,000 of people with +logical conclusions enough to last them through the campaign and put an +unbiased opinion into a man's house each day for less than he now pays +for gas. Just before election you could go into your private office, +throw in a large dose of campaign whisky, light a campaign cigar, fasten +your buttonhole to the wall by an elastic band, so that there would be a +gentle pull on it, and turn the electricity on your mechanical thought +supply. It would save time and money, and the result would be the same +as it is now. This would only be the beginning, of course, and after a +while every qualified voter who did not feel like exerting himself so +much, need only give his name and proxy to the salaried thinker employed +by the National Think Retort and Supply Works. We talk a great deal +about the union of church and state, but that is not so dangerous, after +all, as the mixture of politics and independent thought. Will the coming +voter be an automatic, legless, hairless mollusk with an abnormal ear +constantly glued to the tube of a big tank full of symmetrical ideas +furnished by a national bureau of brains in the employ of the party in +power? + + + + +EARNING A REWARD + +XVI + + +Those were troublous times indeed. All-wool justice in the courts was +impossible. The vigilance committee, or Salvation army, as it called +itself, didn't make much fuss about its work, but we all knew that the +best citizens belonged to it, and were in good standing. + +It was in those days that young Stewart was short-handed for a +sheep-herder, and had to take up with a sullen, hairy vagrant called by +the other boys, "Esau." Esau hadn't been on the ranch a week before he +made trouble with the proprietor and got from Stewart the red-hot +blessing he deserved. + +Then Esau got madder and skulked away down the valley among the little +sage brush hummocks and white alkali wasteland, to nurse his wrath. +When Stewart drove into the corral that night, Esau rose up from behind +an old sheep dip-tank, and without a word except what may have growled +around in his black heart, he leveled a Spencer rifle and shot his young +employer dead. + +That was the tragedy of that week only. Others had occurred before and +others would probably occur again. Tragedy was getting too prevalent for +comfort. So as soon as a quick cayuse and a boy could get down into +town, the news spread and the authorities began in the routine manner to +set the old legal mill to running. Some one had to go down to "The +Tivoli" and find the prosecuting attorney, then a messenger had to go to +"The Alhambra" for the justice of the peace. The prosecuting attorney +was "full," and the judge had just drawn one card to complete a straight +flush, and had succeeded. + +So it took time to get square-toed justice ready and arm the sheriff +with the proper documents. + +In the meantime the Salvation army was fully half way to Clugston's +ranch. They had started out, as they said, "to see that Esau didn't get +away." They were also going to see that Esau was brought into town. + +What happened after they got out there I only know from hearsay, for I +was not a member of the Salvation army at that time. But I learned from +one of those present, that they found Esau down in the sage brush on the +bottoms that lie between the abrupt corner of Sheep mountain and the +Little Laramie river. They captured him but he died soon after, as it +was told me, from the effects of opium taken with suicidal intent. I +remember seeing Esau the next morning, and I thought I noticed signs of +ropium, as there was a purple streak around the neck of the deceased, +together with other external phenomena not peculiar to opium. + +But the grand difficulty with the Salvation army was that it didn't want +to bring Esau into town. A long, cold night ride with a person in Esau's +condition was disagreeable. Twenty miles of lonely road with a +deceased murderer in the bottom of the wagon is depressing. Those of +my readers who have tried it will agree with me that it is not +calculated to promote hilarity. + +[Illustration: _Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he +heard the wild and disappointed yells of the Salvation army_ +(Page 159)] + +So the Salvation army stopped at Whatley's ranch to get warm, hoping +that some one would steal the remains and elope with them. They stayed +some time and managed to "give away" the fact that there was a reward of +$5,000 out for Esau, dead or alive. The Salvation army even went so far +as to betray a good deal of hilarity over the easy way it had nailed the +reward or would as soon as said remains were delivered up and +identified. + +Mr. Whatley thought that the Salvation army was having a kind of walk +away, so he slipped out at the back door of the ranch, put Esau into his +own wagon and drove off to town. Remember, this is the way it was told +to me. + +Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the wild and +disappointed yells of the Salvation army. He put the buckskin on the +back of his horse without mercy, urged on by the enraged shouts and +yells of his infuriated pursuers. He reached town about midnight, and +his pursuers disappeared. But what was he to do with Esau? + +He drove around all over town trying to find the official who signed for +the deceased. He went from house to house like a vegetable vender, +seeking sadly for the party who would give him a $5,000 check for Esau. +Nothing could be more depressing than to wake up one man after another +out of a sound sleep, and invite him to come out to the buggy and +identify the remains. One man went out and looked at him. He said he +didn't know how others felt about it, but he allowed that anybody who +would pay $5,000 for such a remains as Esau's could not have very good +taste. + +Gradually it crept through Mr. Whatley's wool that the Salvation army +had been working him, so he left Esau at the engine house and went home. +On his ranch he nailed up a large board, on which had been painted in +antique characters, with a paddle and tar, the following: + + [finger right] Vigilance Committees, Salvation Armies, + Morgues, or young physicians who may have deceased people on their + hands, are requested to refrain from conferring them on to the + undersigned. + + [finger right] People who contemplate shuffling off their + own or other people's mortal coils will please not do so on these + grounds. + + [finger right] The Salvation Army of the Rocky Mountains + is especially hereby warned to keep off the Grass! JAMES WHATLEY. + + + + +A PLEA FOR JUSTICE + +XVII + + +_To the Honorable Mayor of New York:_ + +SIR--I suppose you are mayor of this whole town, and if so you are the +mayor of the hosspitals as well as of the municipality of New York. I am +a citizen of this place that has always been square towards every man +and paid my bills as they accrewed. I now ask you, in return for same, +to intervene and protect me in my rights. The millishy has never been +called out to suppress me. I have never been guilty of rebellyun or open +difyance off the law, and yet I am unable to get a square deal and I +write this brief note and enclose a two-cent stamp, to ascertain +whether, as mayor, you are for me or agin me. + +[Illustration: ... _I was in a large, cool hosspital which smelt strong +of some forrin substans. The hed doctor had been breathing on me and so +I come too_ (Page 163)] + +Three years ago I entered your town from a westerly direction. I done so +quietly and I presume that few will remember the sircumstans, yet such +was so. I had not been here two weeks when I was run into, knocked over +and tromped onto by the bay team of a purse-proud producer of beer. I +was dashed to earth and knocked galley west on Broadway st. looking +north by sed horses and I was wrecked while peasably on my way to my +place of business. When I come to myself I was in a large, cool +hosspital which smelt strong of some forrin substans. The hed doctor had +been breathing on me and so I come too. When I looked around me I +decided to murmur "Where am I at?" which I did. + +I soon learned that I was in a hosspital, and that kind friends had +removed one of my legs. I will not take up your time, sir, by touching +on my sufferings. Suphice it to say that I went foarth at last a blasted +man, with a cork leg that don't look no more like my own once leg which +I was torn away from, in spite of the Old Harry. It is too late to +repine over a wooden leg, unless it is a pine leg, but I come to you, +sir, to interfear on behalf of another matter which I will now aprooch. +Sorrows at that time come on me thick and fast. During that fall I lost +my wife and two dogs by deth. This was the third wife I have been called +on to bury. It has been my blessed privilidge to mourn the loss of three +as good wives as I ever shook a stick at. I have got them all in one +cool, roomy toom, with a verse on the door of same and their address, so +that they will not delay the resurrection. Under the verse that was +engraved on the slab, some low cuss has wrote three verses of poetry +with a chorus to each verse which winds up with the words: + + Tit, tat, toe, three in a row. + +But all this is only introductory. Sir, it has long been my heart's +desire that all my beloved dead should repose together. I have a large +lot in the semmetery, and last week a movement was placed on foot to +inter my late leg by the sides of my deceased wives. I applied to the +hosspital for said leg, having got a permit to bury same. I was pleasant +and corechus to the authoritis there, saying that my name was Gray and I +was there to procure my leg, whereupon a young meddicle cuss said to +the head ampitater: + +"Here's de man that wants to plant Gray's l-e-g in a churchyard." + +He then laughed a hoarse laugh and went on preserving a polapus in a big +glass fruit can with alkohall in it. Wherever I went I met with a +general disposition to fool with a stricken and one-legged man. I went +from ward to ward, looking at suffering and smelling kloryform till I +was sick at heart. I was referred from Dan to Beersheby, from the +janiter up to the chief tongue inspector, and one place where I went +into they seemed to be picking bone splinters out from among a +gentleman's brains. I made bold to tell my business, but with small +hopes. + +"This is the man I told you about, Doc," said a young man who was filing +and setting a small bone handsaw. "This is that matter of Gray, the man +who wants his leg." + +"Damn your Gray matter," says this doctor, whereupon the rest bust into +ribald mirth. + +I was insulted right and left for a whole forenoon, and came away +shocked and pained. Will you assist me? There is no reverence among +doctors any more and they have none of the finer feelings. Some asked me +if I had a check for my leg. Some said they thought it had escaped from +the hosspital and gone on the stage, and one feller said that this +hosspital would not be responsible for the legs of guests unless +deposited in the office safe. I like fun just as well as anybody, Mr. +Mayor, but I don't think any one should be youmerous over the cold dead +features of a leg from which I have been ruthlessly snatched. + +I now beg, sir, to dror this hasty letter to an untimely end, hoping +that you will make it hot for this blooming hosspital and make them fork +over said leg. Yours, with kindest regards, + + A. PITTSFIELD GRAY. + + + + +GRAINS OF TRUTH + +XVIII + + +A young friend has written to me as follows: "Could you tell me +something of the location of the porcelain works in Sèvres, France, and +what the process is of making those beautiful things which come from +there? How is the name of the town pronounced? Can you tell me anything +of the history of Mme. Pompadour? Who was the Dauphin? Did you learn +anything of Louis XV whilst in France? What are your literary habits?" + +It is with a great, bounding joy that I impart the desired information. +Sèvres is a small village just outside of St. Cloud (pronounced San +Cloo). It is given up to the manufacture of porcelain. You go to St. +Cloud by rail or river, and then drive over to Sèvres by diligence or +voiture. Some go one way and some go the other. I rode up on the Seine, +aboard of a little, noiseless, low-pressure steamer about the size of a +sewing machine. It was called the Silvoo Play, I think. + +The fare was thirty centimes--or, say, three cents. After paying my fare +and finding that I still had money left, I lunched at St. Cloud in the +open air at a trifling expense. I then took a bottle of milk from my +pocket and quenched my thirst. Traveling through France, one finds that +the water is especially bad, tasting of the Dauphin at times, and +dangerous in the extreme. I advise those, therefore, who wish to be well +whilst doing the Continent, to carry, especially in France, as I did, a +large, thick-set bottle of milk, or kumiss, with which to take the wire +edge off one's whistle whilst being yanked through the Louvre. + +St. Cloud is seven miles west of the center of Paris and almost ten +miles by rail on the road to Versailles--pronounced Vairsi. St. Cloud +belongs to the Canton of Sèvres and the arrondissement of Versailles. An +arrondissement is not anything reprehensible. It is all right. You, +yourself, could belong to an arrondissement if you lived in France. + +St. Cloud is on the beautiful hill slope, looking down the valley of the +Seine, with Paris in the distance. It is peaceful and quiet and +beautiful. Everything is peaceful in Paris when there is no revolution +on the carpet. The steam cars run safely and do not make so much noise +as ours do. The steam whistle does not have such a hold on people as it +does here. The adjutant-general at the depot blows a little tin bugle, +the admiral of the train returns the salute, the adjutant-general says +"Allons!" and the train starts off like a somewhat leisurely young man +who is going to the depot to meet his wife's mother. + +One does not realize what a Fourth of July racket we live in and employ +in our business till he has been the guest of a monarchy of Europe +between whose toes the timothy and clover have sprung up to a great +height. And yet it is a pleasing change, and I shall be glad when we as +a republic have passed the blow-hard period, laid aside the +ear-splitting steam whistle, settled down to good, permanent +institutions, and taken on the restful, sootheful, Boston air which +comes with time and the quiet self-congratulation that one is born in a +Bible land and with Gospel privileges, and where the right to worship in +a strictly high-church manner is open to all. + +The Palace of St. Cloud was once the residence of Napoleon I in +summer-time. He used to go out there for the heated term, and folding +his arms across his stomach, have thought after thought regarding the +future of France. Yet he very likely never had an idea that some day it +would be a thrifty republic, engaged in growing green peas, or pulling a +soiled dove out of the Seine, now and then, to add to the attractions of +her justly celebrated morgue. + +Louis XVIII also put up at the Palace in St. Cloud several summers. He +spelled it "palais," which shows that he had very poor early English +advantages, or that he was, as I have always suspected, a native of +Quebec. Charles X also changed the bedding somewhat, and moved in during +his reign. He also added a new iron sink and a place in the barn for +washing buggies. Louis Philippe spent his summers here for a number of +years, and wrote weekly letters to the Paris papers, signed "Uno," in +which he urged the taxpayers to show more veneration for their royal +nibs. Napoleon III occupied the palais in summer during his lifetime, +availing himself finally of the use of Mr. Bright's justly celebrated +disease and dying at the dawn of better institutions for beautiful but +unhappy France. + +I visited the palais (pronounced pallay), which was burned by the +Prussians in 1870. The grounds occupy 960 acres, which I offered to buy +and fit up, but probably I did not deal with responsible parties. This +part of France reminds me very much of North Carolina. I mean, of +course, the natural features. Man has done more for France, it seems to +me, than for the Tar Heel State, and the cities of Asheville and Paris +are widely different. The police of Paris rarely get together in front +of the court-house to pitch horseshoes or dwell on the outlook for the +goober crop. + +And yet the same blue, ozonic sky, if I may be allowed to coin a word, +the same soft, restful, dolce frumenti air of gentle, genial health, and +of cark destroying, magnetic balm to the congested soul, the inflamed +nerve and the festering brain, are present in Asheville that one finds +in the quiet drives of San Cloo with the successful squirt of the mighty +fountains of Vairsi and the dark and whispering forests of +Fon-taine-_bloo_. + +The palais at San Cloo presents a rather dejected appearance since it +was burned, and the scorched walls are bare, save where here and there a +warped and wilted water pipe festoons the blackened and blistered wreck +of what was once so grand and so gay. + +San Cloo has a normal school for the training of male teachers only. I +visited it, but for some cause I did not make a hit in my address to the +pupils until I began to speak in their own national tongue. Then the +closest attention was paid to what I said, and the keenest delight was +manifest on every radiant face. The president, who spoke some English, +shook hands with me as we parted, and I asked him how the students took +my remarks. He said: "They shall all the time keep the thinkness--what +you shall call the recollect--of monsieur's speech in preserves, so that +they shall forget it not continualle. We shall all the time say we have +not witness something like it since the time we come here, and have not +so much enjoy ourselves since the grand assassination by the guillotine. +Come next winter and be with us for one week. Some of us will remain in +the hall each time." + +At San Cloo I hired of a quiet young fellow about thirty-five years of +age, who kept a very neat livery stable there, a sort of victoria and a +big Percheron horse, with fetlock whiskers that reminded me of the +Sutherland sisters. As I was in no hurry I sat on an iron settee in the +cool court of the livery stable, and with my arm resting on the shoulder +of the proprietor I spoke of the crops and asked if generally people +about there regarded the farmer movement as in any way threatening to +the other two great parties. He did not seem to know, and so I watched +the coachman who was to drive me, as he changed his clothes in order to +give me my money's worth in grandeur. + +One thing I liked about France was that the people were willing, at a +slight advance on the regular price, to treat a very ordinary man with +unusual respect and esteem. This surprised and delighted me beyond +measure, and I often told people there that I did not begrudge the +additional expense. The coachman was also hostler, and when the carriage +was ready he altered his attire by removing a coarse, gray shirt or +tunic and putting on a long, olive green coachman's coat, with erect +linen collar and cuffs sewed into the collar and sleeves. He wore a high +hat that was much better than mine, as is frequently the case with +coachmen and their employers. My coachman now gives me his silk hat when +he gets through with it in the spring and fall, so I am better dressed +than I used to be. + +But we were going to say a word regarding the porcelain works at +Sèvres. It is a modern building and is under government control. The +museum is filled with the most beautiful china dishes and funny business +that one could well imagine. Besides, the pottery ever since its +construction has retained its models, and they, of course, are worthy of +a day's study. The "Sèvres blue" is said to be a little bit bluer than +anything else in the known world except the man who starts a nonpareil +paper in a pica town. + +I was careful not to break any of these vases and things, and thus +endeared myself to the foreman of the place. All employes are uniformed +and extremely deferential to recognized ability. Practically, for half a +day, I owned the place. + +A cattle friend of mine who was looking for a dynasty whose tail he +could twist while in Europe, and who used often to say over our glass of +vin ordinaire (which I have since learned is not the best brand at all), +that nothing would tickle him more than "to have a little deal with a +crowned head and get him in the door," accidentally broke a blue crock +out there at Sèvres which wouldn't hold over a gallon, and it took the +best part of a car load of cows to pay for it, he told me. + +The process of making the Sèvres ware is not yet published in book form, +especially the method of coloring and enameling. It is a secret +possessed by duly authorized artists. The name of the town is pronounced +Save. + +Mme. Pompadour is said to have been the natural daughter of a butcher, +which I regard as being more to her own credit than though she had been +an artificial one. Her name was Jeanne Antoinette Poisson Le Normand +d'Etioles, Marchioness de Pompadour, and her name is yet used by the +authorities of Versailles as a fire escape, so I am told. + +She was the mistress of Louis XV, who never allowed her to put her hands +in dishwater during the entire time she visited at his house. +D'Etioles was her first husband, but she left him for a gay but rather +reprehensible life at court, where she was terribly talked about, though +she is said not to have cared a cent. + +She developed into a marvelous politician, and early seeing that the +French people were largely governed by the literary lights of that time, +she began to cultivate the acquaintance of the magazine writers, and +tried to join the Authors' Club. + +She then became prominent by originating a method of doing up the hair, +which has since grown popular among people whose hair has not, like my +own, been already "done up." + +This style of Mme. Pompadour's was at once popular with the young men +who ran the throttles of the soda fountains of that time, and is still +well spoken of. A young friend of mine trained his hair up from his +forehead in that way once and could not get it down again. During his +funeral his hair, which had been glued down by the undertaker, became +surprised at something said by the clergyman and pushed out the end of +his casket. + +The king tired in a few years of Mme. Pompadour and wished that he had +not encouraged her to run away from her husband. She, however, retained +her hold upon the blasé and alcoholic monarch by her wonderful +versatility and genius. + +When all her talents as an artiste and politician palled upon his old +rum-soaked and emaciated brain, and ennui, like a mighty canker, ate +away large corners of his moth-eaten soul, she would sit in the gloaming +and sing to him, "Hard Times, Hard Times, Come Again No More," meantime +accompanying herself on the harpsichord or the sackbut or whatever they +played in those days. Then she instituted theatricals, giving, through +the aid of the nobility, a very good version of "Peck's Bad Boy" and +"Lend Me Five Centimes." + +She finally lost her influence over Looey the XV, and as he got to be an +old man the thought suddenly occurred to him to reform, and so he had +Mme. Pompadour beheaded at the age of forty-two years. This little story +should teach us that no matter how gifted we are, or how high we may +wear our hair, our ambitions must be tempered by honor and integrity; +also that pride goeth before destruction and a haughty spirit before a +plunk. + + + + +A SCAMPER THROUGH THE PARK + +XIX + + +Last week Colonel Bill Root, formerly Duke of Council Bluffs, paid me a +visit, and as I desired to show him Central Park, I took him to +Fifty-Eighth street and hired a carriage, my own team being at my +country place. I also engaged the services of a dark-eyed historical +student, who is said to know more about Central Park than any other man +in New York, having driven through it, as he has, for years. He was a +plain, sad man, with a mustache which was mostly whiskers. He dressed +carelessly in a négligé suit of neutral-tinted clothes, including a pair +of trousers which seemed to fit him in that shy and reluctant manner +which characterized the fit of the late lamented Jumbo's clothes after +he had been indifferently taxidermed. + +Colonel Root and I called him "Governor," and thereby secured knowledge +which could not be obtained from books. Colonel Root is himself no +kindergarten savant, being the author and discoverer of a method of +breaking up a sitting-hen by first calling her away from her deep-seated +passion, tying a red-flannel rag around her leg, and then still further +turning her attention from her wild yearning to hatch out a flock of +suburban villas by sitting on a white front-door knob. This he does by +deftly inserting the hen into a joint of stove-pipe and then cementing +both ends of the same. Colonel Root is also the discoverer of a cipher +which shows that Julius Cæsar's dying words were: "Et tu Brute. Verily +the tail goeth with the hide." + +After a while the driver paused. Colonel Root asked him why he tarried. + +"I wanted to call your attention," said the Governor, "to the Casino, a +place where you can provide for the inner man or any other man. You can +here secure soft-shell crabs, boiled lobster, low-neck clams, Hamburger +steaks, chicken salad, miscellaneous soups, lobster salad with +machine-oil on it, Neapolitan ice-cream, Santa Cruz rum, Cincinnati +Sec, pie, tooth-picks, and finger-bowls." + +[Illustration: _Said the Governor as he swung around with his feet over +in our part of the carriage and asked me for a light_ (Page 181)] + +"How far does the waiter have to go to get these things cooked?" +inquired Colonel Root, looking at his valuable watch. + +"That," said the Governor, as he swung around with his feet over in our +part of the carriage and asked me for a light, "depends on how you +approach him. If you slip a half dollar up his coat-sleeve without his +knowledge he will get your twenty-five cent meal cooked somewhere near +by, but otherwise I have known him to go away and come back with gray +side-whiskers and cobwebs on the pie instead of the wine." + +We went in and told the proprietor to see that our driver had what he +wanted. He did not want much, aside from a whisky sour, a plate of +terrapin, a pint of Mr. Pommery's secretary's beverage, and a baked +duck. We had a little calves' liver and custard pie. Then we visited +Cleopatra's Needle. + +"And who in creation was Cleopatra?" asked Colonel Root. + +"Cleopatra," said the driver, "was a goodlooking Queen of Egypt. She +was eighteen years old when her father left the throne, as it was +screwed down to the dais, and died. He left the kingdom to Cleopatra, in +partnership with Ptolemy, her brother. Ptolemy, in 51 B. C., deprived +her of the throne, leaving Cleopatra nothing but the tidy. She appealed +to Julius Cæsar, who hired a man to embalm Ptolemy, and restored Egypt +to his sister, who was as likely a girl as Julius had ever met with. She +accompanied him to Rome in 46 B. C., and remained there a couple of +years. When Cæsar was assassinated by a delegation of Roman tax-payers +who desired a change, Cleopatra went back and began to reign over Egypt +again. She also attracted the attention of Antony. He thought so much of +her that he would frequently stay away from a battle and deny himself +the joys of being split open with a dull stab-knife in order to hang +around home and hold Cleopatra's hand, and, though she was a widow +practically, she was the Amélie Rives style of widow, and he said that +it had to be an all-fired good battle that could make him put on his +iron ulster and fight all day on the salary he was getting. She pizened +herself thirty years before Christ, at the age of thirty-nine years, +rather than ride around Rome in a gingham dress as a captive of +Augustus. She died right in haying time, and Augustus said he'd ruther +of lost the best horse in Rome. This is her needle. It was brought to +New York mostly by water, and looks well here in the park. She was said +to be as likely a queen as ever jerked a sceptre over Egypt or any other +place. Everybody that saw her reign said that the country never had a +magneticker queen." + +As we rode swiftly along, the slight, girlish figure of a middle-aged +woman might have been seen striving hurriedly to cross the driveway. She +screamed and beckoned to a park policeman, who rushed leisurely in and +caught her by the arm, rescuing her from the cruel feet of our mad +chargers, and then led her to a seat. As we paused to ask the policeman +if the lady had been injured, he came up to the side of the carriage and +whispered to me behind his hand: "That woman I have rescued between +thirty and forty times this year, and it is only the first of July. +Every pleasant day she comes here to be rescued. One day, when business +was a little dull and we didn't have any teams on the drive, and time +seemed to hang heavy on her hands, she told me her sad history. Before +she was eighteen years of age she had been disappointed in love and +prevented from marrying her heart's choice, owing to the fact that the +idea of the union did not occur to him. He was not, in fact, a union +man. Time passed on, from time to time, glad spring, and bobolinks, and +light underwear succeeded stern winter, frost, and heavy flannels, and +yet he cometh not, she sayed. No one had ever caught her in his great +strong arms in a quick embrace that seemed to scrunch her whole being. +Summer came and went. The dews on the upland succeeded the frost on the +pumpkin. The grand ratification of the partridge ushered in the wail of +the turtle dove and the brief plunk of the muskrat in the gloaming. And +yet no man had ever dast to come right out and pay attention to her or +keep company with her. She had an emotional nature that just seemed to +get up on its hind feet and pant for recognition and love. She could +have almost loved a well-to-do man who had, perhaps, sinned a few times, +but even the tough and erring went elsewhere to repent. One day she came +to town to do some trading. She had priced seven dollars and fifty +cents' worth of goods, and was just crossing Broadway to price some +more, when the gay equipage of a wealthy humorist, with silver chains on +the neck-yoke and foam-flecks acrost the bosom of the nigh +hoss, came plunging down the street. + +"The red nostrils of the spirited brutes were above her. Their hot +breath scorched the back of her neck and swayed the red-flannel +pompon on her bonnet. Every one on Broadway held his +breath, with the exception of a man on the front stoop of the Castor +House, whose breath had got beyond his control. Every one was horrified +and turned away with a shudder, which rattled the telegraph wires for +two blocks. + +"Just then a strong, brave policeman rushed in and knocked down both +horses and the driver, together with his salary. He caught the woman up +as though she had been no more than a feather's weight. He bore her away +to the post-office pavement, where it is still the custom to carry +people who are run over and mangled. He then sought to put her down, +but, like a bad oyster, she would not be put down. She still clung about +his neck, like the old party who got acquainted with Sinbad the Sailor, +though, of course, in a different manner. It took quite a while to shake +her off. The next day she came back and was almost killed at the same +crossing. It went on that way until the policeman had his beat changed +to another part of town. Finally, she came up here to get her summer +rescuing done. I do it when it falls to my lot, but my heart is not in +the work. Sometimes the horrible thought comes over me that I may be too +late. Several times I have tried to be too late, but I haven't the heart +to do it." + +He then walked to a sparrow that refused to keep off the grass and +brained it with his club. + + + + +HINTS TO THE TRAVELER + +XX + + +Every thinkful student has doubtless noticed that when he enters the +office, or autograph department, of an American inn, a lithe and alert +male person seizes his valise or traveling-bag with much earnestness. He +then conveys it to some sequestered spot and does not again return. He +is the porter of the hotel or inn. He may be a modest porter just +starting out, or he may be a swollen and purse-proud porter with silver +in his hair and also in his pocket. + +I speak of the porter and his humble lot in order to show the average +American boy who may read these lines that humor is not the only thing +in America which yields large dividends on a very small capital. To be a +porter does not require great genius, or education, or intellectual +versatility; and yet, well attended to, the business is remunerative in +the extreme and often brings excellent returns. It shows that any +American boy who does faithfully and well the work assigned to him may +become well-to-do and prosperous. + +Recently I shook hands with a conductor on the Milwaukee and St. Paul +Railroad, who is the president of a bank. There is a general impression +in the public mind that conductors all die poor, but here is "Jerry," as +everybody calls him, a man of forty-five years of age, perhaps, with a +long head of whiskers and the pleasant position of president of a bank. +As he thoughtfully slams the doors from car to car, collecting fares on +children who are no longer young and whose parents seek to conceal them +under the seats, or as he goes from passenger to passenger sticking +large blue checks in their new silk hats, and otherwise taking advantage +of people, he is sustained and soothed by the blessed thought that he +has done the best he could, and that some day when the summons comes to +lay aside his loud-smelling lantern and make his last run, he will leave +his dear ones provided for. Perhaps I ought to add that during all +these years of Jerry's prosperity the road has also managed to keep the +wolf from the door. I mention it because it is so rare for the conductor +and the road to make money at the same time. + +I knew a conductor on the Union Pacific railroad, some years ago, who +used to make a great deal of money, but he did not invest wisely, and so +to-day is not the president of a bank. He made a great deal of money in +one way or another while on his run, but the man with whom he was wont +to play poker in the evening is now the president of the bank. The +conductor is in the purée. + +It was in Minneapolis that Mr. Cleveland was once injudicious. He and +his wife were pained to read the following report of their conversation +in the paper on the day after their visit to the flour city: + +"Yes, I like the town pretty well, but the people, some of 'em, are too +blamed fresh." + +"Do you think so, Grover? I thought they were very nice, indeed, but +still I think I like St. Paul the best. It is so old and respectable." + +"Oh, yes, respectability is good enough in its place, but it can be +overdone. I like Washington, where respectability is not made a hobby." + +"But are you not enjoying yourself here, honey?" + +"No, I am not. To tell you the truth, I am very unhappy. I'm so scared +for fear I'll say something about the place that will be used against me +by the St. Paul folks, that I most wish I was dead, and everybody wants +to show me the new bridge and the waterworks, and speak of 'our great +and phenomenal growth,' and show me the population statistics, and the +school-house, and the Washburn residence, and Doc Ames and Ole +Forgerson, and the saw-mill, and the boom, and then walk me up into the +thirteenth story of a flour mill and pour corn meal down my back, and +show me the wonderful increase of the city debt and the sewerage, and +the West Hotel, and the glorious ozone and things here, that it makes me +tired. And I have to look happy and shake hands and say it knocks St. +Paul silly, while I don't think so at all, and I wish I could do +something besides be president for a couple of weeks, and quit lying +almost entirely, except when I go a-fishing." + +"But don't you think the people here are very cordial, dawling?" + +"Yes, they're too cordial for me altogether. Instead of talking about +the wonderful hit I have made as a president and calling attention to my +remarkable administration, they talk about the flour output and the +electric plant and other crops here, and allude feelingly to 'number one +hard' and chintz bugs and other flora and fauna of this country, which, +to be honest with you, I do not and never did give a damn for." + +"Grover!" + +"Well, I beg your pardon, dear, and I oughtn't to speak that way before +you, but if you knew how much better I feel now you would not speak so +harshly to me. It is indeed hard to be ever gay and joyous before the +great masses who as a general thing, do not know enough to pound sand, +but who are still vested with the divine right of suffrage, and so must +be treated gently, and loved and smiled at till it makes me ache." + +Mr. Cleveland was greatly annoyed by the publication of this +conversation, and could not understand it until this fall, when a +Minneapolis man told him that the pale, haughty coachman who drove the +presidential carriage was a reporter. He could handle a team with one +hand and remember things with the other. + +And so I say that as a president we can not be too careful what we say. +I hope that the little boys and girls who read this, and who may +hereafter become presidents or wives of presidents, will bear this in +mind, and always have a kind word for one and all, whether they feel +that way or not. + +But I started out to speak of porters and not reporters. I carry with +me, this year, a small, sorrel bag, weighing a little over twenty +ounces. It contains a slight bottle of horse medicine and a powder rag. +Sometimes it also contains a costly robe de nuit, when I do not forget +and leave said robe in a sleeping car or hotel. I am not overdrawing +this matter, however, when I say honestly that the shrill cry of fire at +night in most any hotel in the United States would now bring to the +fire-escape from one to six employes of said hotel wearing these costly +vestments with my brief but imperishable name engraven on the bosom. + +This little traveling bag, which is not larger than a man's hand, is +rudely pulled out of my grasp as I enter an inn, and it has cost me $29 +to get it back again from the porter. Besides, I have paid $8.35 for new +handles to replace those that have been torn off in frantic scuffles +between the porter and myself to see which would get away with it. + +Yesterday I was talking with a reformed lecturer about this peculiarity +of the porters. He said he used to lecture a great deal at moderate +prices throughout the country, and after ten years of earnest toil he +was enabled to retire with a rich experience and $9 in money. He +lectured on phrenology and took his meals with the chairman of the +lecture committee. In Ouray, Colorado, the baggageman allowed his trunk +to fall from a great height, and so the lid was knocked off and the bust +which the professor used in his lecture was busted. He therefore had to +borrow a bald-headed man to act as bust for him in the evening. After +the close of the lecture the professor found that the bust had stolen +the gross receipts from his coat tail pocket while he was lecturing. The +only improbable feature about this story is the implication that a +bald-headed man would commit a crime. + +But still he did not become soured. He pressed on and lectured to the +gentle janitors of the land in piercing tones. He was always kind to +every one, even when people criticised his lecture and went away before +he got through. He forgave them and paid his bills just the same as he +did when people liked him. + +Once a newspaper man did him a great wrong by saying that "the lecture +was decayed, and that the professor would endear himself to every one +if some night at his hotel, instead of blowing out the gas and turning +off his brains as he usually did, he would just turn off the gas and +blow out his brains." But the professor did not go to the newspaper +man's office and shoot holes in his person. He spoke kindly to him +always, and once when the two met in a barber shop, and it was doubtful +which was "next," as they came in from opposite ends of the room, the +professor gently yielded the chair to the man who had done him the great +wrong, and while the barber was shaving him eleven tons of ceiling +peeled off and fell on the editor who had been so cruel and so rude, and +when they gathered up the debris, a day or two afterward, it was almost +impossible to tell which was ceiling and which was remains. + +[Illustration: _He therefore had to borrow a bald-headed man to act as +bust for him in the evening_ (Page 194)] + +So it is always best to deal gently with the erring, especially if you +think it will be fatal to them. + +The reformed lecturer also spoke of a discovery he made, which I had +never heard of before. He began, during the closing years of his tour, +to notice mysterious marks on his trunk, made with chalk generally, and +so, during his leisure hours, he investigated them and their cause and +effect. He found that they were the symbols of the Independent Order of +Porters and Baggage Bursters. He discovered that it was a species of +language by which one porter informed the next, without the expense of +telegraphing, what style of man owned the trunk and the prospects for +"touching" him, as one might say. + +The professor gave me a few of these signs from an old note-book, +together with his own interpretation after years of close study. I +reproduce them here, because I know they will interest the reader as +they did me. + +[Illustration] + +This trunk, if handled gently and then carefully unstrapped in the +owner's room, so as to open comfortably without bursting the wall or +giving the owner vertigo, is good for a quarter. + +[Illustration] + +This man is a good, kind-hearted man generally, but will sometimes +escape. Better not let him have his hand baggage till he puts up. + +[Illustration] + +This trunk belongs to a woman who may possibly thank you if you handle +the baggage gently and will weep if you knock the lid off. Kind words +can never die. (N. B. Nyether can they procure groceries.) + +[Illustration] + +This trunk belongs to a traveling man who weighs 211 pounds. If you have +no respect for the blamed old fire-proof safe itself, please respect it +for its gentle owner's sake. He can not bear to have his trunk harshly +treated, and he might so far forget himself as to kill you. It is better +to be alive and poor than it is to be wealthy and dead. It is better to +do a kind act for a fellow-being than it is to leave a desirable widow +for some one else to marry. + +[Illustration] + +If you will knock the top off this trunk you will discover the clothing +of a mean man. In case you can not knock the lid entirely off, burst it +open a little so that the great, restless, seething traveling public can +see how many hotel napkins and towels and cakes of soap he has stolen. + +[Illustration] + +This is the trunk of a young girl, and contains the poor but honest garb +she wore when she ran away from home. Also the gay clothes she bought +after a wicked ambition had poisoned her simple heart. They are the +gaudy garments and flashy trappings for which she exchanged her honest +laugh and her bright and beautiful youth. Handle gently the poor little +trunk, as you would touch her sad little history, for her father is in +the second-class coach, weeping softly into his coarse red handkerchief, +and she, herself, is going home on the same train in her cheap little +coffin in the baggage car to meet her sorrowing mother, who will go up +into the garret many rainy afternoons in the days to come, to cry over +this poor little trunk and no one will know about it. It will be a +secret known only to her sorrowing heart and to God. + + + + +A MEDIEVAL DISCOVERER + +XXI + + +Galilei, commonly called Galileo, was born at Pisa on the 14th day of +February, 1564. He was the man who discovered some of the fundamental +principles governing the movements, habits, and personal peculiarities +of the earth. He discovered things with marvelous fluency. Born as he +was, at a time when the rotary motion of the earth was still in its +infancy and astronomy was taught only in a crude way, Galileo started in +to make a few discoveries and advance some theories of which he was very +fond. + +He was the son of a musician and learned to play several instruments +himself, but not in such a way as to arouse the jealousy of the great +musicians of his day. They came and heard him play a few selections, and +then they went home contented with their own music. Galileo played for +several years in a band at Pisa, and people who heard him said that his +manner of gazing out over the Pisan hills with a far-away look in his +eye after playing a selection, while he gently up-ended his alto horn +and worked the mud-valve as he poured out about a pint of moist melody +that had accumulated in the flues of the instrument, was simply grand. + +At the age of twenty Galileo began to discover. His first discoveries +were, of course, clumsy and poorly made, but very soon he commenced to +turn out neat and durable discoveries that would stand for years. + +It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a lamp in a church, +and, observing that the oscillations were of equal duration, he inferred +that this principle might be utilized in the exact measurement of time. +From this little accident, years after, came the clock, one of the most +useful of man's dumb friends. And yet there are people who will read +this little incident and still hesitate about going to church. + +[Illustration: _It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a +lamp in a church, and observing that the oscillations were of equal +duration_ (Page 202)] + +Galileo also invented the thermometer, the microscope and the +proportional compass. He seemed to invent things not for the money to be +obtained in that way, but solely for the joy of being first on the +ground. He was a man of infinite genius and perseverance. He was also +very fair in his treatment of other inventors. Though he did not +personally invent the rotary motion of the earth, he heartily indorsed +it and said it was a good thing. He also came out in a card in which he +said that he believed it to be a good thing, and that he hoped some day +to see it applied to the other planets. + +He was also the inventor of a telescope that had a magnifying power of +thirty times. He presented this to the Venetian senate, and it was used +in making appropriations for river and harbor improvements. + +By telescopic investigation Galileo discovered the presence of microbes +in the moon, but was unable to do anything for it. I have spoken of Mr. +Galileo, informally calling him by his first name, all the way through +this article, for I feel so thoroughly acquainted with him, though there +was such a striking difference in our ages, that I think I am justified +in using his given name while talking of him. + +Galileo also sat up nights and visited with Venus through a long +telescope which he had made himself from an old bamboo fishing-rod. + +But astronomy is a very enervating branch of science. Galileo frequently +came down to breakfast with red, heavy eyes, eyes that were swollen full +of unshed tears. Still he persevered. Day after day he worked and +toiled. Year after year he went on with his task till he had worked out +in his own mind the satellites of Jupiter and placed a small tin tag on +each one, so that he would know it readily when he saw it again. Then he +began to look up Saturn's rings and investigate the freckles on the sun. +He did not stop at trifles, but went bravely on till everybody came for +miles to look at him and get him to write something funny in their +autograph albums. It was not an unusual thing for Galileo to get up in +the morning, after a wearisome night with a fretful, new-born star, to +find his front yard full of albums. Some of them were little red albums +with floral decorations on them, while others were the large plush and +alligator albums of the affluent. Some were new and had the price-mark +still on them, while others were old, foundered albums, with a droop in +the back and little flecks of egg and gravy on the title-page. All came +with a request for Galileo "to write a little, witty, characteristic +sentiment in them." + +Galileo was the author of the hydrostatic paradox and other sketches. He +was a great reader and a fluent penman. One time he was absent from +home, lecturing in Venice for the benefit of the United Aggregation of +Mutual Admirers, and did not return for two weeks, so that when he got +back he found the front room full of autograph albums. It is said that +he then demonstrated his great fluency and readiness as a thinker and +writer. He waded through the entire lot in two days with only two men +from West Pisa to assist him. Galileo came out of it fresh and youthful, +and all of the following night he was closeted with another inventor, a +wicker-covered microscope, and a bologna sausage. The investigations +were carried on for two weeks, after which Galileo went out to the +inebriate asylum and discovered some new styles of reptiles. + +Galileo was the author of a little work called "I Discarsi e +Dimas-Trazioni Matematiche Intorus a Due Muove Scienze." It was a neat +little book, of about the medium height, and sold well on the trains, +for the Pisan newsboys on the cars were very affable, as they are now, +and when they came and leaned an armful of these books on a passenger's +leg and poured into his ear a long tale about the wonderful beauty of +the work, and then pulled in the name of the book from the rear of the +last car, where it had been hanging on behind, the passenger would most +always buy it and enough of the name to wrap it up in. + +He also discovered the isochronism of the pendulum. He saw that the +pendulum at certain seasons of the year looked yellow under the eyes, +and that it drooped and did not enter into its work with the old zest. +He began to study the case with the aid of his new bamboo telescope and +a wicker-covered microscope. As a result, in ten days he had the +pendulum on its feet again. + +Galileo was inclined to be liberal in his religious views, more +especially in the matter of the Scriptures, claiming that there were +passages in the Bible which did not literally mean what the translator +said they did. This was where Galileo missed it. So long as he +discovered stars and isochronisms and such things as that, he succeeded, +but when he began to fool with other people's religious beliefs he got +into trouble. He was forced to fly from Pisa, we are told by the +historian, and we are assured at the same time that Galileo, who had +always been far, far ahead of all competitors in other things, was +equally successful as a fleer. + +Galileo received but sixty scudi per year as his salary while at Pisa, +and a part of that he took in town orders, worth only sixty cents on the +scudi. + + + + +HOW TO PICK OUT A BIRTHPLACE + +XXII + + +Every American youth has been told repeatedly by his parents and his +teachers that he must be a good boy and an exemplary young man in order +to become the president of the United States. There is nothing new in +this statement, and I do not print it because I regard it in the light +of a "scoop." But I desire to go a trifle further, and call the +attention of the American youth to the fact that he must begin at a much +earlier date to prepare himself for the presidency than has been +generally taught. He must not only acquire all the knowledge within +reach, and guard his moral character night and day through life, or at +least up to the time of his election, but he must be a self-made man, +and he should also use the utmost care and discretion in the selection +of his birthplace. + +A boy may thoughtlessly select the wrong state, or even a foreign +country, as the site for his birthplace, and then the most exemplary +life will not avail him. But hardest of all, perhaps, for one who +aspires to the highest office within the gift of the people, is the +selection of a house in which to be born. For this reason I have +selected a few specimen birthplaces for the guidance of those who may be +ignorant of the points which should be possessed by a birthplace. + +Take, for instance, the residence of Andrew Jackson. No one has ever +retained a stronger hold upon the tendrils of the Democratic heart than +Andrew Jackson. His name appears more frequently to-day in papers for +which he never subscribed than that of any other president who has +passed away. + +Andrew Jackson was a poor boy, whose father was a farm laborer and died +before Andrew's birth, thus leaving the boy perfectly free to choose the +site of his birthplace. + +[Illustration] + +He did not care much about books, but felt confident at the start that +he had chosen a good place to be born at, and therefore could not be +defeated in his race for the presidency. Here in this house A. Jackson +first saw the light, and here his excellency sent up his first +Democratic whoop. Here, on the back stoop, was where he was sent +sorrowing at night to wash his chapped feet with soft soap before his +mother would allow him to go to bed. Here Andrew turned the grindstone +in the shed, while a large, heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour +or two. Here the future president sprouted potatoes in the dark and +noisome cellar, while other boys, who cared nothing for the presidency, +drowned out woodchucks and sucked eggs in open defiance of the pulpit +and press of the country. + +[Illustration: _Here Andrew turned the grindstone in the shed, while a +large, heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour or two_ (Page 210)] + +And yet, what a quiet, peaceful, unostentatious home, with its little +windows opening out upon the snow in winter and upon bare ground in +summer. How peaceful it looks! Who would believe that up in the dark +corner of the gable end it harbors a large iron-gray hornets' nest with +brocaded hornets in it? And still it is so quiet that, on hot summer +afternoons, while the bees are buzzing around the petunias and the +regular breathing of the sandy-colored shoat in the back lot shows that +all nature is hushed and drugged into a deep and oppressive repose, the +old hen, lulled into a sense of false security, walks into the "setting +room," eats the seeds out of several everlasting flowers, samples a few +varnished acorns on an ornamental photograph frame in the corner, and +then goes out to the kitchen, where she steps into the dough that is set +behind the stove to raise. + +Here in this quiet home, far from the enervating poussé café and carte +blanche, where he had pork rind tied on the outside of his neck for sore +throat, and where pepper, New Orleans molasses and vinegar, together +with other groceries calculated to discourage illness, were put inside, +he laid the foundation of his future greatness. + +Later on, the fever of ambition came upon him, and he taught school +where the big girls snickered at him and the big boys went so far away +at noon that they couldn't hear the bell and were glad of it, and came +back an hour late with water in both ears and crawfish in their pockets. + +After that he learned to be a saddler, fought in the Revolutionary War, +afterward writing it up for the papers in a graphic way, showing how it +happened that most everybody was killed but himself. + +Here the reader is given an excellent view of the birthplace of +President Lincoln. + +[Illustration] + +The artist has very wisely left out of the picture several people who +sought to hand themselves down to posterity by being photographed in +various careless attitudes in the foreground. + +In this house Mr. Lincoln determined to establish for himself a +birthplace and to remain for eight years afterwards. In fancy, the +reader can see little Abraham running about the humble cot, preceded by +his pale, straw-colored Kentucky dog, or perhaps standing in "the +branch," with the soothing mud squirting gently up between his dimpled +toes. + +Here a great heart first learned to beat in unison with all humanity. +Late one night, after the janitor had retired, he pulled the +latch-string of this humble place and asked if the proprietor objected +to children. Learning that he did not, the little emancipator deposited +on the desk a small parcel consisting of several rectangular cotton +garments done up in a shawl-strap, and asked for a room with a bath. + +[Illustration] + +Our next illustration shows the birthplace of President Garfield. He was +born plainly at Orange, Cuyahoga county, Ohio. Here he spent his +childhood in preparing for the presidency, lying on his stomach for +hours by the light of a pine-knot, studying all about the tariff, and +ascertaining how many would remain if William had seven apples and gave +three to Henry and two to Jane. He soon afterward went to work on a +canal as boatswain of a mule. It was here he learned that profanity +could be carried to excess. He very early found that by coupling the +mule to the boat by the use of a cistern pole, instead of coming into +direct contact with the accursed yet buoyant end of the animal, he could +bring with him a better record to the class-meeting than otherwise. He +then taught school, and was beloved by all as a tutor. Many of his +pupils grew up to be ornaments to society, and said they had never seen +tuting that could equal that of their old tutor. + +Mr. Garfield availed himself of the above birthplace on the 19th of +November, A. D. 1831. He then utilized it as a residence. + +Here we are given a fine view of the birthplace of President Cleveland. +It is a plain structure, containing windows through which those who are +inside may look out, while those who are on the outside may readily look +in. + +[Illustration] + +Under this roof the idea first came to Mr. Cleveland that some day he +might fill the presidential chair to overflowing. If the reader will go +around to the door of the shed on the other side of the house, he will +see little Grover just coming out and wiping his mouth with the back of +his hand. + +On the door of the barn can be seen the following legend, scratched on +its surface with a nail: + + "I druther be born lucky than blong to a nold Ristocratic fambly. + + S. G. C." + +[Illustration] + +Here we have an excellent view of Mr. Harrison's birthplace from the +main road. It hardly seems possible that a man who now lives in a large +house, with a spare room to it, gas in all parts of it, and wool carpets +on the floor, should have once lived in such a plain structure as this. +It shows that America is the place for the poor boy. Here he can rise to +a great height by his own powers. Little did Bennie think at one time +that people would some day come from all quarters of the United States +to see him and take him kindly by the hand and say that they were well +acquainted with his folks when they were poor. + +These various birthplaces prove to us what style is best calculated for +a presidential candidate. They demonstrate that poverty is no drawback, +and that frequently it is a good stimulant for the right kind of a boy. +I once knew a poor boy whose clothes did not fit him very well when he +was little, and now that he is grown up it is the same way. + +That poor boy was myself. But I can not close this research without +saying that the boys alone can not claim the glory in America. The girls +are entitled to recognition. + +[Illustration] + +Permit me, therefore, to present the birthplace of Belva A. Lockwood. I +do not speak of it because I desire to treat the matter lightly, but to +call attention to little Belva's sagacity in selecting the same style of +birthplace as that chosen by other presidential candidates. She very +truly said in the course of a conversation with the writer: "My theory +as to the selection of a birthplace is, first be sure you are right and +then go ahead." + +We should learn from all the above that a humble origin does not prevent +a successful career. Had Abraham Lincoln been wealthy, he would have +been taught, perhaps, a style of elocution and gesture that would have +taken first rate at a parlor entertainment, and yet he might never have +made his Gettysburg speech. While he was president he never looked at +his own hard hands and knotted knuckles that he was not reminded of his +toiling neighbors, whose honest sweat and loyal blood had made this +mighty republic a source of glory and not of shame forever. + +So, in the future, whether it be a Grover, a Benjamin, or a Belva, may +the President of the United States be ever ready to remove the cotton +from his ears at the first cry of the oppressed and deserving poor. + + + + +ON BROADWAY + +XXIII + + +Once when in New York I observed a middle-aged man remove his coat at +the corner of Fulton street and Broadway and wipe the shoulders thereof +with a large red handkerchief of the Thurman brand. There was a dash of +mud in his whiskers and a crick in his back. He had just sought to cross +Broadway, and the disappointed ambulance had gone up street to answer +another call. He was a plain man with a limited vocabulary, but he spoke +feelingly. I asked him if I could be of any service to him, and he said +No, not especially, unless I would be kind enough to go up under the +back of his vest and see if I could find the end of his suspender. I did +that and then held his coat for him while he got in it again. He +afterward walked down the east side of Broadway with me. + +[Illustration: _A man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor of +Boston, but my idee is that he's a heap more likely to be mayor of New +Jerusalem_ (Page 220)] + +"That's twice I've tried to git acrost to take the Cortlandt street +ferry boat sence one o'clock, and hed to give it up both times," he +said, after he had secured his breath. + +"So you don't live in town?" + +"No, sir, I don't, and there won't be anybody else livin' in town, +either, if they let them crazy teamsters run things. Look at my coat! +I've wiped the noses of seventy-nine single horses and eleven double +teams sence one o'clock, and my vitals is all a perfect jell. I bet if I +was hauled up right now to be postmortumed the rear breadths of my liver +would be a sight to behold." + +"Why didn't you get a policeman to escort you across?" + +"Why, condemb it, I did futher up the street, and when I left him the +policeman reckoned his collar-bone was broke. It's a blamed outrage, I +think. They say that a man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor +of Boston, but my idee is that he's a heap more likely to be mayor of +the New Jerusalem." + +"Where do you live, anyway?" + +"Well, I live near Pittsburg, P. A., where business is active enough to +suit 'most anybody, 'specially when a man tries to blow out a +natural-gast well, but we make our teamsters subservient to the +Constitution of the United States. We don't allow this Juggernaut +business the way you fellers do. There a man would drive clear round the +block ruther than to kill a child, say nuthin of a grown person. Here +the hubs and fellers of these big drays and trucks are mussed up all the +time with the fragments of your best people. Look at me. What +encouragement is there for a man to come here and trade? Folks that live +here tell me that they do most of their business by telephone in the +daytime, and then do their runnin' around at night, but I've got apast +that. Time was when I could run around nights and then mow all day, but +I can't do it now. People that leads a suddentary life, I s'pose, +demands excitement, and at night they will have their fun; but take a +man like me--he wants to transact his business in the daytime by word o' +mouth, and then go to bed. He don't want to go home at 3 o'clock with a +plug hat full of digestive organs that he never can possibly put back +just where they was before. + +"No, I don't want to run down a big city like New York and nuther do I +want to be run down myself. They tell me I can go up town on this side +and take the boat so as to get to Jersey City that way, and I'm going to +do it ruther than to go home with a neck yoke run through me. Folks say +that Jurden is a hard road to travel, but I'm positive that a man would +get jerked up and fined for driving as fast there as they do on +Broadway; and then another thing, I s'pose there's a good deal less +traffic over the road." + +He then went down Wall street to the Hanover Square station and I saw +him no more. + + + + +MY TRIP TO DIXIE + +XXIV + + +I once took quite a long railway trip into the South in search of my +health. I called my physicians together, and they decided by a rising +vote that I ought to go to a warmer clime, or I should enjoy very poor +health all winter. So I decided to go in search of my health, if I died +on the trail. + +I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale, sallow liar, who is just +beginning to work his way up to the forty-ninth degree in the Order of +Ananias. He will surely be heard from again some day, as he has the +elements that go to make up a successful prevaricator. + +He said that I could go through from Cincinnati to Asheville, North +Carolina, with only one easy change of cars, and in about twenty-three +hours. It took me twice that time, and I had to change cars three times +in the dead of night. + +The southern railroad is not in a flourishing condition. It ought to go +somewhere for its health. Anyway, it ought to go somewhere, which at +present it does not. According to the old Latin proverb, I presume we +should say nothing but good of the dead, but I am here to say that the +railroad that knocked my spine loose last week, and compelled me to +carry lunch baskets and large Norman two-year-old gripsacks through the +gloaming, till my arms hung down to the ground, does not deserve to be +treated well, even after death. + +I do not feel any antipathy toward the South, for I did not take any +part in the war, remaining in Canada during the whole time, and so I can +not now be accused of offensive partisanship. I have always avoided +anything that would look like a settled conviction in any of these +matters, retaining always a fair, unpartisan and neutral idiocy in +relation to all national affairs, so that I might be regarded as a good +civil service reformer, and perhaps at some time hold an office. + +To further illustrate how fair-minded I am in these matters, I may say I +have patiently read all the war articles written by both sides, and I +have not tried to dodge the foot-notes or the marginal references, or +the war maps or the memoranda. I have read all these things until I +can't tell who was victorious, and if that is not a fair and impartial +way to look at the war, I don't know how to proceed in order to +eradicate my prejudices. + +But a railroad is not a political or sectional matter, and it ought not +to be a local matter unless the train stays at one end of the line all +the time. This road, however, is the one that discharged its engineer +some years ago, and when he took his time-check he said he would now go +to work for a sure-enough road with real iron rails to it, instead of +two streaks of rust on a right of way. + +All night long, except when we were changing cars, we rattled along over +wobbling trestles and third mortgages. The cars were graded from +third-class down. The road itself was not graded at all. + +They have the same old air in these coaches that they started out with. +Different people, with various styles of breath, have used this air and +then returned it. They are using the same air that they did before the +war. It is not, strictly speaking, a national air. It is more of a +languid air, with dark circles around its eyes. + +At one place where I had an engagement to change cars, we had a wait of +four hours, and I reclined on a hair-cloth lounge at the hotel, with the +intention of sleeping a part of the time. + +Dear, patient reader, did you every try to ride a refractory hair-cloth +lounge all night, bare back? Did you ever get aboard a short, +old-fashioned, black, hair-cloth lounge, with a disposition to buck? + +I was told that this was a kind, family lounge that would not shy or +make trouble anywhere, but I had only just closed my dark-red and +mournful eyes in sleep when this lounge gently humped itself, and shed +me as it would its smooth, dark hair in the spring, tra la. + +The floor caught me in its great strong arms and I vaulted back upon the +polished bosom of the hair-cloth lounge. It was made for a man about +fifty-three inches in length, and so I had to sleep with my feet in my +pistol pockets and my nose in my bosom up to the second joint. + +I got so that I could rise off the floor and climb on the lounge without +waking up. It grew to be second nature to me. I did it just as a man who +is hungry in his sleep bites off large fragments of the air and eats it +involuntarily and smacks his lips and snorts. So I arose and deposited +myself again and again on that old swayback but frolicsome wreck without +waking. But I couldn't get aboard softly enough to avoid waking the +lounge. It would yawn and rumble inside and rise and fall like the deep +rolling sea, till at last I gave up trying to sleep on it any more, and +curled up on the floor. + +[Illustration: _I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale, sallow liar, +who is just beginning to work his way up to the forty-ninth degree in +the Order of Ananias_ (Page 222)] + +The hair-cloth lounge, in various conditions of decrepitude, maybe found +all through this region. Its true inwardness is composed of spiral +springs which have gnawed through the cloth in many instances. These +springs have lost none of their old elasticity of spirits, and cordially +corkscrew themselves into the affections of the man who sits down on +them. If anything could make me thoroughly attached to the South it +would be one of these spiral springs bored into my person about a foot. +But that is the only way to remain on a hair-cloth chair or sofa. No man +ever successfully sat on one of them for any length of time unless he +had a strong pair of pantaloons and a spiral spring twisted into him for +some distance. + +In private houses hair-cloth sofas may be found in a domesticated state, +with a pair of dark, reserved chairs, waiting for some one to come and +fall off them. In hotels they go in larger flocks, and graze together in +the parlor. + + + + +THE THOUGHT CLOTHIER + +XXV + + +General Dado has been sharply criticised--roundly abused, even--for +making a claim against the Grant estate for alleged assistance in +preparing the "Memoirs" that have added to that estate some half-million +of dollars. The Philadelphia _Bulletin_ says:--"There is no mark of +contempt so strong that it ought not to be fixed on so shameless and +unblushing an ingrate." And it is this--the man's ingratitude--that most +offends. General Grant's unswerving loyalty to Dado, his zeal in giving +places to him so long as he had them to give, and in soliciting others +to give them when it was no longer in his own power to do so, was an +offense in the nostrils of most Americans. His intimacy with Dado was +one of the causes of Grant's being in bad odor, as it were, at a certain +period of his career; and the present unpleasantness is a part of the +penalty for taking such a man into his bosom. The claimant is getting +the worst of it, however, and we are tempted to overlook his ingratitude +for the sake of the following skit called forth by his appearance as a +thinker and clothier of thoughts.--_The Critic_. + +There is something slightly pathetic in the delayed statement that some +of General Grant's best thoughts were supplied by General Adam Dado. +While it is a great credit to any man to do the meditating, pondering, +and word-painting necessary for a book which can attain such a sale as +Grant's "Memoirs," it shows a condition of affairs which every literary +man or woman must sadly deplore. Who of us is now safe? + +While the warrior, as a warrior, has nothing to do but continue +victorious through life, he can not safely write a book for posterity. +Literature is at all times more or less hazardous under present +copyright regulations, but it becomes doubly so when our estates have to +reimburse some silent thinker who thought things for us while +amanuensing in our employ. Even though we may have told him not to think +thoughts for us, even though we asked him as a special favor to avoid +putting his own clothing on our poor, little, shivering, naked facts, +there is no law which can prevent his making that claim after we are +dead. + +And how can a court of law or an intelligent jury judge such a matter? A +great man thinks a thought in the presence of two amanuenses, provided I +am right in spelling the plural in that way. He thinks a thought, I say, +surrounded by those two gentlemen and an improved typewriter. He gives +utterance to the thought and dies. One of the amanuensisters then states +to the jury that he thought it himself, and that his comrade clothed it. +The estate is then asked to pay so much per think for the thoughts and +so much at war prices for clothing the ideas. Who is able, unless it be +an intelligent jury, to arrive at the truth? + +The first question to ask ourselves is this: Was General Grant in the +habit of calling in a thinker whenever he wanted anything done in that +line? He says distinctly in his letter that he was not. He could not do +it. It was impracticable. Supposing in the crash of battle and in the +moment of victory your short, hard thinker has his head shot off and it +falls in a pumpkin orchard, where there is naturally more or less delay +in identifying it, what can you do? Suppose that you were the president +of the United States, and your think-supply got snow-bound at Newark in +a vestibule train, and congress were waiting for you to veto a bill. You +could not think the thought in the first place, and even if you could +you would hate to send it to congress until it was properly clothed. I +am told that nothing shocks congress so much as the sudden appearance +"in its midst" of a naked and new-born thought. + +But General Dado has the advantage over General Grant in one respect. He +can not be injured much. Otherwise the case is against him. But the +matter will be watched with careful interest by literary people +generally, and especially by soldiers and magazines with a war history. +It is a warning to those who think their thoughts in unguarded moments +while stenographers may be near to take them down and claim them +afterwards. It is also a warning to people who thoughtlessly expose +naked facts in the presence of word-painters and thought-clothiers, who +may decorate and outfit these children of the brain and charge it up to +the estate. + +Is the time coming when general dealers in apparel and gents' furnishing +goods for the use of bare facts, and men who attend to the costuming, +draping, and swaddling of nude ideas, will compete so closely with each +other that, before a think has its eyes fairly open, one of these +gentlemen will slap a suit of clothes on it, with a Waterbury watch in +each pocket, and have a boy half way to the office with the bill? + + + + +A RUBBER ESOPHAGUS. + +XXVI + + +Puget Sound is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful sheets of water in +the world. Its bosom is as unruffled as that of an angel who is opposed +to ruffles on general principles. + +To say that real estate was once active at certain places on its shores +is just simply about as powerful as the remark made by the frontiersman +who came home from his haying one afternoon and found that the Indians +had burned up his buildings, massacred his wife, driven off his milch +cows and killed his children. He looked over the bloody scene and then +said to himself with great feeling; "This, it seems to me, is perfectly +ridiculous." + +I once drove about Seattle for two days with a real estate man, not +buying, but just riding and enjoying the scenery while we allowed +prices gently to advance and our whiskers to grow. Finally I asked him +if he knew of a real "snap," as Herbert Spencer would call it, within +the reach of a poor man. He said that there was a bargain out towards +Lake Washington, and if I wanted to see it we could go out there. I said +I should like to see it, for, if really desirable, I might buy some +outside property. We drove quite awhile through the primeval forest, and +after baiting our team and eating some lunch which we had with us, we +resumed our journey, scaring up a bear on the way, which I was assured, +however, was a tame bear. At last we tied the team, and, walking over +the ridge, we found a lot facing west, seventy-three feet front, which +could be had then at $1,500. I don't suppose you could get it at that +price now, for it is within a stone's throw of the power house and cable +running from the city to Lake Washington. + +A friend of mine once told me how he lost a trade in Spokane Falls. He +had the refusal for a week of a twenty-four-foot business lot "at $500." +He thought and worried and prayed over it, and wrote home about it, and +finally decided to take it. On the last day of grace he counted up his +money and finding that he had just the amount, he went over to the +agent's office with it to close the trade. + +"Have you the currency with you to make the trade all cash?" asked the +agent. + +"Yes, sir, I have the whole $500 in currency," said my friend, drawing +himself up to his full height and putting his cigar back a little +further in his cheek. + +"Five hundred dollars!" exclaimed the agent with a low, gurgling laugh; +"the lot is $500 per front foot. I didn't suppose you were Pan-American +ass enough to think you could get a business lot in Spokane for $500. +You can't get a load of sand for your children to play in at that rate." + +Once as my train passed a little red depot I saw a young squaw leaning +up against the building, and crying. As we moved along I saw a plain +black coffin--a cheap affair of pine, daubed with walnut stain to make +it look still cheaper, I presume. I had never seen an Indian--even a +squaw--weeping before, and so the picture remained with me a long time, +and may for a long time yet to come. + +I've never been a pronounced friend of the Indian, as those who know me +best will agree. I have claimed that though he was first to locate in +this country, he did not develop the lead or do assessment work even, so +the thing was open to re-location. The white man has gone on and found +mineral in many places, made a big output, and is still working day and +night shifts, while the Indian is shiftless day and night, so far as I +have observed. + +But when we see the poor devils buying our coffins for their dead, even +though they may go very hungry for days afterwards, and, as they fade +away forever as a people, striving to conform to our customs and wear +suspenders and join in prayer, common humanity leads us to think +solemnly of their melancholy end. + +On that trip I met with a medical and surgical curiosity while on the +cars. It consisted of a young man who was compelled to take his +nourishment through a rubber tube which led directly into his stomach +through his side. I had heard of something like it and in my extensive +medical library had read of cases resembling it, but not entirely the +same. The conductor, who had shown me a great many little courtesies +already, invited me into the baggage car, where he had the young man, in +order that I might see him. + +The subject was a German about twenty years of age, of dark complexion +and phlegmatic temperament. He stood probably about five feet four +inches high in his stocking feet and did not attract me as a person of +prominence until the conductor informed me that he ate through the side +of his vest. + +It seems that about two years ago the boy had some little gastric +disturbance resulting from eating a nocturnal watermelon or callow +cucumber. As I understand it, he, in an unguarded moment, called a +physician who aimed to be his own worst enemy, but who contrived to work +in the public on the same basis, using no favoritism whatever. He was a +doctor who has since gone into the gibbering industry in alcoholic +circles. + +So it happened that on the day he was called to the bedside of this +plain, juvenile colic, the enemy he had taken into his mouth the evening +before had, as a matter of fact, rifled his pseudo-brains, and being +bitterly disappointed in them, had no doubt failed to return them. + +Therefore "Doc," as he was affectionately called by the widowers +throughout the neighborhood, was entirely unfit to prescribe. He did so, +however, just the same. That kind of a doctor is generally willing to +rush in where angels fear to tread. He cheerfully prescribed for the +boy, and, in fact, filled the prescription himself. The principal +ingredient of this compound was carbolic acid. A man who can, by +mistake, administer carbolic acid and not even smell it, must do his +thinking by means of a sort of intellectual wart. + +But he did it, anyhow. + +So, after great suffering, the young fellow lost the use of his entire +esophagus, the lining coming off as a result of this liquid holocaust, +and then afterwards growing together again. + +The parents now decided to change physicians. So after giving "Doc" a +cow and settling up with him, another physician was called in. He said +there was no way to reach the stomach but from the exterior, and, +although hazardous, it might save the patient's life. Speedy action must +be taken, however, as the young man was already getting up quite an +appetite. + +I can imagine Old Man Gastric waiting there patiently, day after day, +every little while looking at his watch, wondering, and singing: + + We are waiting, waiting, waiting, + +Finally, as he sits near the cardial orifice, where the sign has been +recently put up, + + THE ELEVATOR IS NOT RUNNING, + +a light bursts through the walls of his house and he hears voices. +Hastily throwing one of the coats of the stomach over his shoulders, he +springs to his feet just in time to catch about a nickel's worth of +warm beef tea down the back of his neck. + +The patient now wears about two feet of inch hose, one end of which is +introduced into the upper and anterior lobe of the stomach. The other he +has embellished with a plain cork stopper. I asked him if he would join +me in a drink of water from the ice-cooler, and he said he would, under +the circumstances. He said that he had just taken one, but would not +mind taking one more with me. He then removed the stopper from his new +Goodyear esophagus, inserted a neat little tin funnel, with which he was +able to introduce the water. It gently settled down and disappeared in +his depths, and then, putting away the garden hose, he accepted a dollar +and gave me a history of the case as I have set it forth above, or +substantially so, at least. + +I could not help thinking of him afterward. I tried to imagine him on +his way to Europe over a stormy sea; the surprise of his stomach when it +found itself frustrated and beaten at its own game, and all that. Then I +thought of him as the honored guest of some great corporation or club, +and at the banquet, when the president, in a few well-chosen words, +apparently born of the moment but really wearing trousers, says, +"Gentlemen, we have with us this evening," etc., etc.; and then rising, +all the members join in a toast to the guest. Touching his glass to +theirs, and then gracefully unreeling his garden hose, he takes from his +pocket the small funnel, and, gently sipping the generous wine through +his tin pharynx, he begins his well-digested response. + +Nature did not do much for this poor lad, but science has stepped in and +made him a man of mark. He went to bed unknown. He awoke to find himself +noted. He went to sleep with ordinary tastes. He arose with no taste at +all. Thus, through the medical treatment of a typhoid idiot, for a +disease which was in no way malignant, or, as I might say, therapeutic, +he became a man of parts and stands next to the nobility of Europe, not +having to work. + +Afterward, in Paris, I saw on the street a man who played the trombone +by means of a bullet-hole in his trachea, but I do not think it +elevated me and spurred me on to nobler endeavor and made a better man +of me, as did this simple-hearted young gentleman who made a living by +eating publicly through a tin horn, and who actually earned his bread by +eating it. I hope that the medical fraternity will make his case a study +and try to do better next time. That is the only moral I can think of in +connection with this story. + + + + +ADVICE TO A SON + +XXVII + + +MY DEAR SON: I just came here to New York on business, and thought I +would write to you a few lines, as I have a little time that is not +taken up. I came here on a train from Chicago the other day. Before I +started, I got a lower berth in a sleeping car, but when I went to put +my sachel in it, before I left Chicago, there were two women and a +little girl there, and so I told the porter I would wait until they +moved before I put my baggage in the section, for of course I thought +they were just sitting there for a minute to rest. + +Hours rolled by and they did not move. I kept on sitting in the +smoking-room, but they stayed. By and by the porter came and asked me if +I had "lower four." I said yes--I paid for it, but I couldn't really say +I had it in my possession. He then said that two ladies and a little +girl had "upper four," and asked if I would mind swapping with them. I +said that I would do so, for I didn't see how a whole family circle +could climb up into the upper berth and remain there, and I would rather +give them the lower one than spend the night picking up different +members of the family and replacing them in the home nest after they had +fallen out. + +I had a bad cold, and though I knew that sleeping in the upper berth +would add to it, I did not murmur. But little did I realize that they +would hold the whole thing all of two days, and fill it full of broken +crackers and banana peels, and leave me to ride backward in the +smoking-room from Chicago to New York, after I had paid five dollars for +a seat and lower berth. + +Woman is a poor, frail vessel, Henry, but she manages to arrive at her +destination all right. She buys an upper berth and then swaps it with an +old man for his lower berth, giving to boot a half-smothered sob and two +scalding tears. Then she says "Thank you," if she feels like it at the +end of the road, though these women did not. I have pneuemonia in its +early stages, but I have done a kind act, which I shall probably have +to do over again when I return. + +If you ever become the parent of a daughter, Henry, and you like her +pretty well, I hope you will teach her to acknowledge a courtesy, +instead of looking upon the earth and the fullness thereof as a +partnership property, owned jointly by herself and the Lord. + +A woman who has traveled a good deal is generally polite, and knows how +to treat her fellow passengers and the porter, but people who are making +their first or second trip, I notice, most generally betray the fact by +tramping all over the other passengers. + +Another mistake, Henry, which I hope you will not make, is that of +taking very small children to travel. Children should remain at home +until they are at least two or three days old, otherwise they are +troublesome to their parents and also bother the other passengers. There +ought to be a law, too, that would prevent parents from taking larger +children who should be in the reform school. Some parents seem to think +that what their children do is funny, when, instead of humor, it is +really felony. It does not entirely set matters right, for instance, +when a child has torn off a gentleman's ear, merely to make the child +return it to the owner, for you can never put an ear back in its place +after it has been torn off and stepped on, in such a way as to make it +look the same as it did at first. + +I heard a mother say on the train that her little boy never was quite +himself while traveling, because he wasn't well. She feared it was the +change in the water that made him sick. He had then drank a whole +ice-water tank empty, and was waiting impatiently till we got to +Pittsburg, so that he could drink out of the hydrant. + +Queer people also ride on the elevated trains here in New York. It is a +singular experience to a stranger to ride on these cars. It made me ill +at first, but after awhile I got so mad that I forgot about it. For +instance, at places like Fourteenth street, and Twenty-third street, and +Park Place, there are generally several people who want to get aboard a +little before the passengers get off. Two or three times I was carried +by because the guards wouldn't enforce the rule, and I had a good deal +of trouble, till I took an old pair of Mexican spurs out of my trunk and +strapped them on my elbows. After that I could stroll along Broadway, or +get off a train when I got ready, and have some comfort. + +The gates on the elevated trains get shet rather sudden +sometimes, and once they shet in a part of a man, I was +told, and left the rest of him on the outside, so that after a while he +fell off over the trestle, because there was more of him on the outside +than on the inside, and he didn't seem to balance somehow. It was rare +sport for the guards to watch the man scraping along the side of the +road and sweeping off the right of way. + +One day, when I was on board, there was a crowd at one of the stations, +and an old man and a little girl tried to get on. She was looking out +for the old man, and seemed to kind of steer him on the platform. Just +as he stepped on the train, the guard shut the gate and left the little +girl outside. She looked so scart and pitiful, as the train left her, +that I'll never forget it to my dying day, and as we left the platform I +saw her wring her poor little hands, and I heard her cry, "Oh, mister, +let me go with him. My poor grandpa is blind." + +Sure enough, the old man groped around almost crazy on that swaying +train, without knowing where he was, and feeling through the empty air +for the gentle hand of the little girl who had been left behind. Two or +three of us took care of the old man and got him off at the next +station, where we waited till she came; but it was the most touching +thing I ever saw outside of a book. + +Another day the cars were full till you couldn't seem to get even an +umbrella into the aisle, I thought, but yet the guards told people to +step along lively, and encouraged them by prodding and pinching till +most everybody was fighting mad. + +Then a pale girl, with a bundle of sewing in her hand, and a hollow +cough that made everybody look that way, got into the aisle. She could +just barely get hold of the strap, and that was all. She wore a poor, +black cotton jersey, and when she reached up so high, the jersey part +would not stay where it belonged, and at the waist seemed to throw off +all responsibility. She realized it, and bit her lips, and two red spots +came on her pale face, and the tears came into her eyes, but she +couldn't let go of her bundle, and she couldn't let go of the strap, for +already the train threw her against a soiled man on one side and a tough +on the other. It was pitiful enough, so that men who had their seats +began to read advertisements and other things with their papers wrong +side up, in order to seem thoroughly engrossed in their business. + +But two pretty young men, with real good clothes, and white, soft hands, +had a great deal of fun over it, and every time the train would lurch +and throw the poor girl's jersey a little more out of plumb, they would +jab each other in the ribs, and laugh very hearty. I felt sorry that I +wasn't young again, so that I could go over there and kick both of +them. Henry, if I thought you would do a thing like that, or allow it +done on the same block where you happened to be, I would give my estate +to a charitable object, and refuse to recognize you in Paradise. + +Just then an oldish man of a chunky build, and with an eye as black as +the driven tomcat, reached through the crowded aisle with his umbrella +and touched the girl. She looked around, and he told her to come and +take his seat. As she squeezed through, and he rose to seat her, a large +man with black whiskers gently dropped into the vacant seat with a sigh +of relief, and began to read a two-year-old paper with much earnestness, +just as if he hadn't noticed the whole performance. The stout man was +thunderstruck. He said: + +"Excuse me, sir; I didn't leave my seat." + +"Yes, you did," says the black-whiskered pachyderm. "You can't expect to +keep a seat here and leave it too." + +"Well, but I rose to put this young lady in it, and I must ask you to be +kind enough to let her have it." + +"Excuse me," said the microbe, with a little chuckle of cussedness, +"you will have to take your chances, and wait for a vacant seat, same as +I did." + +That was all the conversation there was, but just then the short fat man +ran his thumb down inside the shirt collar of the yellow fever germ, and +jerked him so high that I could see the nails on the bottoms of his +boots. Then, with the other hand, he socked the young lady into his +seat, and took hold of a strap, where he hung on white and mad, but +victorious. + +After that there was a loud hurrah, and general enthusiasm and hand +clapping, and cries of "Good!" "Good!" and in the midst of it the +sporadic hog and the two refined young men got off the train. + +As the black and white Poland swine went out the door I noticed that +there was blood on the back of his neck, and later on I saw the short, +stout old gentleman remove a large mole or birthmark, which he really +had no use for, from under his thumb nail. + +On a Harlem train, as they call it, I saw a drunken young man in one of +the seats yesterday. He wasn't noisy, but he felt pretty fair. Next to +him was a real good young man, who seemed to feel his superiority a +great deal. Very soon the car got jammed full, and an old lady, poorly +dressed, but a mighty good, motherly old woman, I'll bet a hundred +dollars, got in. Her husband asked the good young man if he would kindly +give his wife a seat. He did not apparently hear at all, but got all +wrapped up in his paper, just as every man in a car does when he is +ashamed of himself. But the inebriated young man heard, and so he said: + +"Here, mister, take my seat for the old lady; any seat is good enough +for me." Whereupon he sat down in the lap of the good young man, and so +remained till he got to his station. + +This is a good town to study human nature in, Henry, and you would do +well to come here before your vacation is over, just to see what kind of +people the Lord allows to encumber the earth. It will show you how many +human brutes there are loose in the world who don't try any longer to +appear decent when they think their identity is swallowed up in the +multitude of a great city. There are just as selfish folks in the +smaller towns, but they are afraid to give themselves up to it, because +somebody in the crowd would be sure to recognize them. Here a man has +the advantage of a perpetual _nom de plume_, and he is tempted to see +how pusillanimous he can be even when he is just here on a visit. I'm +going home next week, before I completely wreck my immortal soul. + +I left your mother pretty comfortable at home, but I haven't heard from +her since I left. + + Your father, + + BILL NYE. + + + + +THE AUTOMATIC BELL BOY + +XXVIII + + +Little did B. Franklin wot when he baited his pin hook with a good +conductor and tapped the low browed and bellowing storm nimbus with his +buoyant kite, thus crudely acquiring a pickle jar of electricity, that +the little start he then made would be the egg from which inventors and +scientists would hatch out the system which now not only encircles the +globe with messages swifter than the flight of Phoebus, but that anon +the light of day would be filtered through a cloud of cables loaded with +destruction sufficient for a whole army, and the air be filled with +death-dealing, dangling wires. + +Little did he know that he was bottling an agent which has since pulled +out the stopper with its teeth and grown till it overspreads the sky, +planting its bare, bleak telegraph poles along every highway, carrying +day messages by night and night messages when it gets ready, filling the +air with its rusty wings--provided, of course, that such agents wear +wings--and with the harsh, metallic, ghoulish laughter of the +signal-key, all the while resting one foot on the neck of the sender and +one on the neck of the recipient, defying aggregated humanity to do its +worst, and commanding all civilization, in terse, well-chosen terms, to +either fish, cut bait or go ashore. + +Could Benjamin have known all this at the time, possibly he might have +considered it wisdom to go in when it rained. + +I am not an old fogy, though I may have that appearance, and I rejoice +to see the world move on. One by one I have laid aside my own +encumbering prejudices in order to keep up with the procession. Have I +not gradually adopted everything that would in any way enhance my +opportunities for advancement, even through tedious evolution, from the +paper collar up to the finger bowl, eyether, and nyether? + +This should convince the reader that I am not seeking to clog the +wheels of progress. I simply look with apprehension upon any great +centralization of wealth or power in the hands of any one man who not +only does as he pleases with said wealth and power, but who, as I am +informed, does not read my timely suggestions as to how he shall use +them. + +To return, however, to the subject of electricity. I have recently +sought to fathom the style and _motif_ of a new system which is to be +introduced into private residences, hotels, and police headquarters. In +private houses it will be used as a burglar's welcome. In hotels it will +take the mental strain off the bell-boy, relieving him also of a portion +of his burdensome salary at the same time. In the police department it +will do almost everything but eat peanuts from the corner stands. + +I saw this system on exhibition in a large room, with the signals or +boxes on one side and the annunciator or central station on the other. +By walking from one to the other, a distance in all of thirty or forty +miles, I was enabled to get a slight idea of the principle. + +[Illustration: In hotels it will take the mental strain off the +bell-boy, relieving him also of a portion of his burdensome salary at +the same time (Page 256)] + +It is certainly a very intelligent system. I never felt my own +inferiority any more than I did in the presence of this wonderful +invention. It is able to do nearly anything, it seems to me, and the +main drawback appears to be its great versatility, on account of which +it is so complex that in order to become at all intimate with it a +policeman ought to put in two years at Yale and at least a year at +Leipsic. An extended course of study would perfect him in this line, but +he would not then be content to act as a policeman. He would aspire to +be a scientist, with dandruff on his coat collar and a far-away look in +his eye. + +Then, again, take the hotel scheme, for instance. We go to a dial which +is marked Room 32. There we find that by treating it in a certain way it +will announce to the clerk that Room 32 wants a fire, ice-water, pens, +ink, paper, lemons, towels, fire-escape, Milwaukee Sec, pillow-shams, a +copy of this book, menu, croton frappé, carriage, laundry, physician, +sleeping-car ticket, berth-mark for same, Halford sauce, hot flat-iron +for ironing trousers, baggage, blotter, tidy for chair, or any of those +things. In fact, I have not given half the list on this barometer +because I could not remember them, though I may have added others which +are not there. The message arrives at the office, but the clerk is +engaged in conversation with a lady. He does not jump when the alarm +sounds, but continues the dialogue. Another guest wires the office that +he would like a copy of the _Congressional Record_. The message is filed +away automatically, and the thrilling conversation goes on. Then No. +7-5/8 asks to have his mail sent up. No. 25 wants to know what time the +'bus leaves the house for the train going East, and whether that train +will connect at Alliance, Ohio, with a tide-water train for Cleveland in +time to catch the Lake Shore train which will bring him into New York at +7:30, and whether all those trains are reported on time or not, and if +not will the office kindly state why? Other guests also manifest morbid +curiosity through their transmitters, but the clerk does not get +excited, for he knows that all these remarks are filed away in the large +black walnut box at the back of the office. When he gets ready, +provided he has been through a course of study in this brand of +business, he takes one room at a time, and addressing a pale young +"Banister Polisher" by the name of "Front," he begins to scatter to +their destinations, baggage, towels, morning papers, time-tables, etc., +all over the house. + +It is also supposed to be a great time-saver. For instance, No. 8 wants +to know the correct time. He moves an indicator around like the +combination on a safe, reads a few pages of instructions, and then +pushes a button, perhaps. Instead of ringing for a boy and having to +wait some time for him, then asking him to obtain the correct time at +the office and come back with the information, conversing with various +people on his way and expecting compensation for it, the guest can ask +the office and receive the answer without getting out of bed. You leave +a call for a certain hour, and at that time your own private gong will +make it so disagreeable for you that you will be glad to rise. Again, if +you wish to know the amount of your bill, you go through certain +exercises with the large barometer in your room; and, supposing you have +been at the house two days and have had a fire in your room three times, +and your bill is therefore $132.18, the answer will come back and be +announced on your gong as follows: _One_, pause, _three_, pause, _two_, +pause, _one_, pause, _eight_. When there is a cipher in the amount I do +not know what the method is, but by using due care in making up the bill +this need not occur. + +For police and fire purposes the system shows a wonderful degree of +intelligence, not only as a speedy means of conveying calls for the fire +department, health department, department of street cleaning, department +of interior and good of the order, but it furnishes also a method of +transmitting emergency calls, so that no citizen--no matter how poor or +unknown--need go without an emergency. The citizen has only to turn the +crank of the little iron marten-house till the gong ceases to ring, then +push on the "Citizens' button," and he can have fun with most any +emergency he likes. Should he decide, however, to shrink from the +emergency before it arrives, he can go away from there, or secrete +himself and watch the surprise of the ambulance driver or the fire +department when no mangled remains or forked fire fiend is found in that +region. + +This system is also supposed to keep its eye peeled for policemen and +inform the central station where each patrolman is all the time; also as +to his temperature, pulse, perspiration and breath. It keeps a record of +this at the main office on a ticker of its own, and the information may +be published in the society columns of the papers in the morning. It +enables a citizen to use his own discretion about sounding an alarm. He +has only to be a citizen. He need not be a tax-payer or a vox populi. +Should he be a citizen, or declare his intention to become such, or even +though he be a voter only, without any notion of ever being a citizen, +he can help himself to the fire department or anything else by ringing +up the central station. + +Electricity and spiritualism have arrived at that stage of perfection +where a coil of copper wire and a can of credulity will accomplish a +great deal. The time is coming when even more surprising wonders will be +worked, and with electric wires, the rapid transit trains, and the +English sparrows all under the ground, the dawn of a better and brighter +day will be ushered in. The car-driver and the truck-man will then lie +down together, Boston will not rise up against London, he that +heretofore slag shall go forth no more for to slug, and the czar will +put aside his tailor-made boiler-iron underwear and fearlessly canvass +the nihilist wards in the interest of George Kennan and reform, nit. + +THE END. + + + * * * * * + + + AN ARTICLE ON THE WRITINGS OF + + James Whitcomb Riley + + BY "CHELIFER" + + + + + THE AMBROSIA OF JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY. + + "Chelifer" in "The Bookery."--Godey's Magazine. + + +There are writers that take Pegasus on giddier flights of fancy, and +writers that sit him more grandly, and writers that put him through +daintier paces, and writers that burden him with anguish nearer that of +the dread Rider of the White Horse, and there are writers that make him +a very bucking broncho of wit, but there is no one that turns Pegasus +into just such an ambling nag of lazy peace and pastoral content as +James--I had almost said Joshua Whitcomb--Riley. If you want a panacea +for the bitterness and the fret and the snobbishness and pretension and +unsympathy and the commercial ambition and worry and the other cankers +that gnaw and gnaw the soul, just throw a leg over the back of Riley's +Pegasus, "perfectly safe for family driving," let the reins hang loose +as you sag limply in your saddle, and gaze through drowsy eyes while the +amiable old beast jogs down lanes blissful with rural quietude, through +farmyards full of picturesque rustics and through the streets of quaint +villages. Then utter rest and a peace akin to bliss will possess your +soul. + +To make readers content with life and glad to live is one of the most +dazzlingly magnificent deeds in the power of an artist. This is too +little appreciated in the melodramatic theatricism of our life. This +genius for soothing the reader with a pathos that is not anguish and a +humor that is not cynicism, this genius belongs to Mr. Riley in a +degree I have found in no other writer in all literature. + +Of course, Mr. Riley is essentially a lyric poet. But his spirit is that +of Walt Whitman; he speaks the universal democracy, the equality of man, +the hatred of assumption and snobbery, that our republic stands for, if +it stands for anything. Now downright didacticism in a poet is an +abomination. But if a poet has no right to ponder the meanings of +things, the feelings of man for man and the higher "criticism of life," +then no one has. If to Pope's "The proper study of mankind is man," you +add "nature" and "nature's God," you will fairly well outline the poet's +field. + +Mere art (Heaven save the "mere"!) is not, and has never been, enough to +place a poet among the great spirits of the world. It has furnished a +number of nimble mandolinists and exquisite dilettants +for lazy moods. But great poetry must always be something more than +sweetmeats; it must be food--temptingly cooked, winningly served, well +spiced and well accompanied, but yet food to strengthen the blood and +the sinews of the soul. + +Therefore I make so bold as to insist that even in a lyrist there should +be something more than the prosperity or the dirge of personal _amours_: +there should be a sympathy with the world-joy, the world-suffering, and +the world-kinship. It is this attitude toward lyric poetry that makes me +think Mr. Riley a poet whose exquisite art is lavished on humanity so +deep-sounding as to commend him to the acceptance of immortality among +the highest lyrists. + +Horace was an acute thinker and a frank speaker on the problems of life. +This didacticism seems not to have harmed his artistic welfare, for he +has undoubtedly been the most popular poet that ever wrote. Consider the +magnitude and the enthusiasm of his audience! He has been the personal +chum of everyone that ever read Latinity. But Horace, when not exalted +with his inspired preachments on the art of life and the arts of poetry +and love, was a bitter cynic redeemed by great self-depreciation and +joviality. The son of a slave, he was too fond of court life to talk +democracy. + +Bobby Burns was a thorough child of the people, and is more like Mr. +Riley in every way than any other poet. Yet he, too, had a vicious +cynicism, and he never had the polished art that enriches some of Mr. +Riley's non-dialectic poetry, as in parts of his fairy fancy, "The +Flying Islands of the Night." + +Burns never had the versatility of sympathy that enables Mr. Riley to +write such unpastoral masterpieces as "Anselmo," "The Dead Lover," "A +Scrawl," "The Home-going," some of his sonnets, and the noble verses +beginning + + "A monument for the soldiers! + And what will ye build it of?" + +Yet it must be owned that Burns is in general Mr. Riley's prototype. Mr. +Riley admits it himself in his charming verses "To Robert Burns." + + "Sweet singer, that I lo'e the maist + O' ony, sin' wi' eager haste + I smacket bairn lips ower the taste + O' hinnied sang." + +The classic pastoral poets, Theokritos, Vergandil, the others, sang with +an exquisite art, indeed, yet their farm-folk were really Dresden-china +shepherds and shepherdesses speaking with affected simplicity or with +impossible elegance. Theokritos, like Burns and Riley, wrote partly in +dialect and partly in the standard speech, and to those who are never +reconciled to anything that can quote no "authority," there should be +sufficient justification for dialect poetry in this divine Sicilian +musician of whom his own Goatherd might have said: + + "Full of fine honey thy beautiful mouth was, Thyrsis, created + Full of the honeycomb; figs Ægilean, too, mayest thou nibble, + Sweet as they are; for ev'n than the locust more bravely thou singest." + +I have no room to argue the _pro's_ of dialect here, but it always seems +strange that those lazy critics who are unwilling to take the trouble to +translate the occasional hard words in a dialect form of their own +tongue, should be so inconsistent as ever to study a foreign language. +Then, too, dialect is necessary to truth, to local color, to intimacy +with the character depicted. Besides, it is delicious. There is +something mellow and soul-warming about a plebeian metathesis like +"congergation." What orthoepy could replace lines like these?: + + "Worter, shade and all so mixed, don't know which you'd orter + Say, th' _worter_ in the shadder--_shadder_ in the _worter_!" + +One thing about Mr. Riley's dialect that may puzzle those not familiar +with the living speech of the Hoosiers, is his spelling, which is +chiefly done as if by the illiterate speaker himself. Thus +"rostneer-time" and "ornry" must be Æolic Greek to those barbarians who +have never heard of "roasting-ears" of corn or of that contemptuous +synonym for "vulgar," "common," which is smoothly elided, +"or(di)n(a)ry." Both of these words could be spelled with a suggestive +and helpful use of apostrophes: "roast'n'-ear," and or'n'ry. + +Jumbles like "jevver" for "did you ever?" and the like can hardly be +spelled otherwise than phonetically, but a glossary should be appended +as in Lowell's "Biglow Papers," for the poems are eminently worth even +lexicon-thumbing. Another frequent fault of dialect writers is the +spelling phonetically of words pronounced everywhere alike. Thus +"enough" is spelled "enuff," and "clamor," "clammer," though Dr. Johnson +himself would never have pronounced them otherwise. In these +misspellings, however, Mr. Riley excuses himself by impersonating an +illiterate as well as a crude-speaking poet. But even then he is +inconsistent, and "hollowing" becomes "hollerin'," with an apostrophe to +mark the lost "g"--that abominable imported harshness that ought to be +generally exiled from our none too smooth language. Mr. Riley has +written a good essay in defense of dialect, which enemies of this form +of literature might read with advantage. + +But Mr. Riley has written a deal of most excellent verse that is not in +dialect. One whole volume is devoted to a fairy extravaganza called "The +Flying Islands of the Night," a good addition to that quaint literature +of lace to which "The Midsummer Night's Dream," Herrick's "Oberon's +Epithalamium," or whatever it is called, Drake's "Culprit Fay," and +other bits of most exquisite foolery belong. While hardly a complete +success, this diminutive drama contains some curiously delightful +conceits like this "improvisation:" + + "Her face--her brow--her hair unfurled!-- + And O the oval chin below, + Carved, like a cunning cameo, + With one exquisite dimple, swirled + With swimming shine and shade, and whirled + The daintiest vortex poets know-- + The sweetest whirlpool ever twirled + By Cupid's finger-tip--and so, + The deadliest maelstrom in the world!" + +It is a strange individuality that Mr. Riley has, suggesting numerous +other masters--whose influence he acknowledges in special odes--and yet +all digested and assimilated into a marked individuality of his own. He +has studied the English poets profoundly and improved himself upon them, +till one is chiefly impressed, in his non-dialectic verse, with his +refinement, subtlety, and ease. He has a large vocabulary, and his +felicity is at times startling. Thus he speaks of water "chuckling," +which is as good as Horace's ripples that "gnaw" the shore. Note the +mastery of such lines as + + "And the dust of the road is like velvet." + + "Nothin' but green woods and clear + Skies and unwrit poetry + By the acre!" + + "Then God smiled and it was morning!" + + Life is "A poor pale yesterday of Death." + + "And O I wanted so + To be felt sorry for!" + + "Always suddenly they are gone, + The friends we trusted and held secure." + + "At utter loaf." + + "Knee-deep in June." + +--But I can not go on quoting forever. + +Technically, Mr. Riley is a master of surpassing finish. His meters are +perfect and varied. They flow as smoothly as his own Indiana streams. +His rimes are almost never imperfect. To prove his own understanding he +has written one _scherzo_ in technic that is a delightful example of bad +rime, bad meter, and the other earmarks of the poor poet. It is "Ezra +House," and begins: + + "Come listen, good people, while a story I do tell + Of the sad fate of one I knew so passing well!" + +The "do" and the "so" are the unfailing index of crudity. Then we have +rimes like "long" and "along" (it is curious that modern English is the +only tongue that finds this repetition objectionable); "moon" and +"tomb," "well" and "hill," and "said" and "denied" are others, and the +whole thing is an enchanting lesson in How Poetry Should Not be Written. + +Mr. Riley is fond of dividing words at the ends of lines, but always in +a comic way, though Horace, you remember, was not unwilling to use it +seriously, as in his + + "----U- + Xorius amnis." + +Mr. Riley's animadversions on "Addeliney Bowersox" constitute a +fascinating study in this effect. He is also devoted to dividing an +adjective from its noun by a line-end. This is a trick of Poe's, whose +influence Mr. Riley has greatly profited by. In his dialect poetry Mr. +Riley gets just the effect of the jerky drawl of the Hoosier by using +the end of a line as a knife, thus: + + "The wood's + Green again, and sun feels good's + June!" + +His masterly use of the cæsura is notable, too. See its charming +despotism in "Griggsby Station." + +But it is not his technic that makes him ambrosial, not the loving care +_ad unguem_ that smooths the uncouthest dialect into lilting tunefulness +without depriving it of its colloquial verisimilitude--it is none of +these things of mechanical inspiration, but the spirit of the man, his +democracy, his tenderness, the health and wealth of his sympathies. If +he uses "memory" a little too often as a vehicle for his rural pictures, +the utter charm of the pictures is atonement enough. He has caught the +real American. He is the laureate of the bliss of laziness. His child +poems are the next best thing to the child itself; they have all the +infectious essence of gayety, and all the _naïveté_, and all the +knife-like appeal. It could not reasonably be demanded that his prose +should equal the perfection of his verse, but nothing more eerie has +ever been done than the little story, "Where is Mary Alice Smith?" with +its strange use of rime at the end. + +Of all dialect writers he has been the most versatile. Think of the +author of "The Raggedy Man" or "Orphant Annie" writing one of the finest +sonnets in the language! this one which I must quote here as a noble +ending to my halt praise: + + "Being his mother, when he goes away + I would not hold him overlong, and so + Sometimes my yielding sight of him grows O + So quick of tears, I joy he did not stay + To catch the faintest rumor of them! Nay, + Leave always his eyes clear and glad, although + Mine own, dear Lord, do fill to overflow; + + "Let his remembered features, as I pray, + Smile ever on me. Ah! what stress of love + Thou givest me to guard with Thee thiswise: + Its fullest speech ever to be denied + Mine own--being his mother! All thereof + Thou knowest only, looking from the skies + As when not Christ alone was crucified." + +Life is the more tolerable, the more full of learned sympathy, and +thereby of joy and value, for the very existence of such a man. + + + * * * * * + + +LIST OF MR. RILEY'S BOOKS. + +A CHILD WORLD. (NEW.) Tales in verse of childhood days. Cloth, 12mo, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. Hand-made Paper edition, bound uniform with +"Old Fashioned Roses," $2. + +NEGHBORLY POEMS, including "The Old Swimmin' Hole," by Benjamin F. +Johnson, of Boone (James Whitcomb Riley.) Cloth, illustrated, 12mo, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. + +SKETCHES IN PROSE, and Occasional Verses. Cloth, $1.25. Half calf, +$2.50. + +AFTERWHILES. Sixtieth thousand. With Portrait. Cloth, $1.25. Half calf, +$2.50. + +PIPES O' PAN AT ZEKESBURY. Five Sketches and fifty Poems. Cloth, $1.25. +Half calf, $2.50. + +RHYMES OF CHILDHOOD. Dialect and other Verses. With Portrait. Cloth, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. + +THE FLYING ISLANDS OF THE NIGHT. A Fantastic Drama in Verse. Cloth, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. + +GREEN FIELDS AND RUNNING BROOKS. Dialect and Serious Poems. With +Portrait. Cloth, Illustrated, $1.25. Half calf, $2.50. + +ARMAZINDY. Hoosier Harvest Airs, Feigned Forms, and Child Rhymes. Cloth, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. + +OLD FASHIONED ROSES. A selection of popular Poems, from Mr. Riley's +Works. Printed in England. 16mo, uncut, $1.75. + +AN OLD SWEETHEART OF MINE. Illustrated in colors. Oblong 4to, $2.50. + +A UNIFORM EDITION of Mr. Riley's Works in 9 volumes, 12mo, cloth, per +set, $11.25. Half calf, 9 volumes, 12mo, per set, $22.50. Published by +The Bowen-Merrill Co., Indianapolis and Kansas City. Sent post-paid to +any address on receipt of the price. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guest at the Ludlow and Other Stories, by +Edgar Wilson (Bill) Nye + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GUEST AT THE LUDLOW *** + +***** This file should be named 31884-8.txt or 31884-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/8/8/31884/ + +Produced by D Alexander and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Guest at the Ludlow and Other Stories + +Author: Edgar Wilson (Bill) Nye + +Release Date: April 4, 2010 [EBook #31884] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GUEST AT THE LUDLOW *** + + + + +Produced by D Alexander and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 369px;"> +<img src="images/icover.jpg" width="369" height="600" alt="" title="book cover" /> +</div> + + +<h1>A GUEST<br /> + AT THE LUDLOW</h1> + + <h3>AND OTHER STORIES</h3> + + <h4>BY</h4> + + <h3>EDGAR WILSON NYE</h3> + + <h4>[BILL NYE]</h4> + + <h4> <i>WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY<br /> + LOUIS BRAUNHOLD</i></h4> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width: 154px;"> +<img src="images/i001.jpg" width="154" height="180" alt="" title="publishers logo" /> +</div> + + <p class="center">INDIANAPOLIS AND KANSAS CITY<br /> + + THE BOWEN-MERRILL COMPANY<br /> + + M DCCC XCVII<br /><br /> + + + +Copyright, 1896<br /> + +BY<br /> + +THE BOWEN-MERRILL CO.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><br /><br />A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW<br /><br /></h2> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 364px;"> +<a name="frontis" id="frontis"></a> +<img src="images/i003.jpg" width="364" height="550" alt="You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get +here, or you can put some other man's nickel in your own slot and come +here with an attendant (Page 2)" title="" /> +<span class="caption">You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get +here, or you can put some other man's nickel in your own slot and come +here with an attendant (Page 2)</span> +</div> + + + +<div class="centerbox"> +<p class="center">This volume was prepared for publication by the author a few months +before his death, and is now published by arrangement with Mrs. Edgar +Wilson Nye.</p></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 398px;"> +<img src="images/i005.jpg" width="398" height="550" alt="" title="handwritten introduction" /> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS</h2> + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table border="0" cellpadding="2" width="60%" cellspacing="0" summary="CONTENTS"> +<tr><td align="right"> </td><td align="left"> </td><td align="right">PAGE.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">I.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">A Guest at the Ludlow</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_1'>1</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">II.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">Old Polka Dot's Daughter</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_13'>13</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">III.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">A Great Cerebrator</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_22'>22</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">IV.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">Hints for the Household</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_33'>33</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">V.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">A Journey Westward</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_42'>42</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">VI.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">A Prophet and a Piute</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_52'>52</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">VII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Sabbath of a Great Author</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_64'>64</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">VIII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">A Flyer in Dirt</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_69'>69</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">IX.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">A Singular "Hamlet"</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_81'>81</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">X.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">My Matrimonial Bureau</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_92'>92</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XI.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Hateful Hen</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_99'>99</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">As a Candidate</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_108'>108</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XIII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">Summer Boarders and Others</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_123'>123</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XIV.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">Three Open Letters</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_134'>134</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XV.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Dubious Future</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_144'>144</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XVI.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">Earning a Reward</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_156'>156</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XVII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">A Plea for Justice</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_162'>162</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XVIII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">Grains of Truth</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_168'>168</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XIX.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">A Scamper Through the Park</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_179'>179</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XX.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">Hints to the Traveler</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_187'>187</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XXI.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">A Medieval Discoverer</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_201'>201</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XXII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">How to Pick Out a Birthplace</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_208'>208</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XXIII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">On Broadway</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_218'>218</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XXIV.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">My Trip to Dixie</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_222'>222</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XXV.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Thought Clothier</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_228'>228</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XXVI.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">A Rubber Esophagus</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_233'>233</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XXVII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">Advice to a Son</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_243'>243</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XXVIII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Automatic Bell Boy</span></td><td align="right"><a href='#Page_254'>254</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS" id="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS"></a>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</h2> + + +<div class="centered"> +<table border="0" cellpadding="6" width="60%" cellspacing="0" summary="Illustrations"> +<tr><td align="left"> </td><td align="right">PAGE</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get here, or you can put some other man's nickel in your own slot and come here with an attendant</td><td align="right"><a href='#frontis'><i>Frontispiece</i></a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">His old look of apprehensive cordiality did not leave him until he had seen me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and start for home</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus025'>15</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and hit him a smart, stinging blow with a black snake</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus027'>27</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">My idea was to apply it to the wall mostly, but the chair tipped, and so I papered the piano and my wife on the way down</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus036'>36</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear their young, but people never go there</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus045'>45</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">I improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of the beautiful and picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus057'>57</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">He sometimes succeeds in getting himself disliked by some other dog and then I can observe the fight</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus067'>67</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Then rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off into the scrub pine, carrying with me a large board</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus074'>74</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should say, "Have you got any more of that there red paint left?"</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus105'>105</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I thank God that you are POOR!!!"</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus115'>115</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in activity as in repose, hence the hornets' nests introduced by me last season</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus124'>124</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of pounding on the floor with the butt of the cue ever and anon, produces at last optical illusions</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus149'>149</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the wild and disappointed yells of the Salvation army</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus159'>159</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"I was in a large, cool hosspital which smelt strong of some forrin substans. The hed doctor had been breathing on me and so I come too"</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus163'>163</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Said the Governor as he swung around with his feet over in our part of the carriage and asked me for a light</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus181'>181</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">He therefore had to borrow a bald-headed man to act as bust for him in the evening</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus194'>194</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a lamp in a church, and observing that the oscillations were of equal duration</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus202'>202</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Here Andrew turned the grindstone in the shed, while a large, heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour or two</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus210'>210</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"A man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor of Boston, but my idee is that he's a heap more likely to be mayor of the New Jerusalem"</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus220'>220</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale, sallow liar, who is just beginning to work his way up to the forty-ninth degree in the Order of Ananias</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus222'>222</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">In hotels it will take the mental strain off the bell-boy, relieving him also of a portion of his burdensome salary at the same time</td><td align="right"><a href='#illus256'>256</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="A_GUEST_AT_THE_LUDLOW" id="A_GUEST_AT_THE_LUDLOW"></a>A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW</h2> + +<h3>I</h3> + + +<p>We are stopping quietly here, taking our meals in our rooms mostly, and +going out very little indeed. When I say we, I use the term editorially.</p> + +<p>We notice first of all the great contrast between this and other hotels, +and in several instances this one is superior. In the first place, there +is a sense of absolute security when one goes to sleep here that can not +be felt at a popular hotel, where burglars secrete themselves in the +wardrobe during the day and steal one's pantaloons and contents at +night. This is one of the compensations of life in prison.</p> + +<p>Here the burglars go to bed at the hour that the rest of us do. We all +retire at the same time, and a murderer can not sit up<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> any later at +night than the smaller or unknown criminal can.</p> + +<p>You can get to Ludlow Street Jail by taking the Second avenue Elevated +train to Grand street, and then going east two blocks, or you can fire a +shotgun into a Sabbath-school.</p> + +<p>You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get here, or you can +put some other man's nickel in your own slot and come here with an +attendant.</p> + +<p>William Marcy Tweed was the contractor of Ludlow Street Jail, and here +also he died. He was the son of a poor chair-maker, and was born April +3, 1823. From the chair business in 1853 to congress was the first false +step. Exhilarated by the delirium of official life, and the false joys +of franking his linen home every week, and having cake and preserves +franked back to him at Washington, he resolved to still further taste +the delights of office, and in 1857 we find him as a school +commissioner.</p> + +<p>In 1860 he became Grand Sachem of the Tammany Society, an association at +that time<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> more purely political than politically pure. As president of +the board of supervisors, head of the department of public works, state +senator, and Grand Sachem of Tammany, Tweed had a large and seductive +influence over the city and state. The story of how he earned a scanty +livelihood by stealing a million of dollars at a pop, and thus, with the +most rigid economy, scraped together $20,000,000 in a few years by +patient industry and smoking plug tobacco, has been frequently told.</p> + +<p>Tweed was once placed here in Ludlow Street Jail in default of +$3,000,000 bail. How few there are of us who could slap up that amount +of bail if rudely gobbled on the street by the hand of the law. While +riding out with the sheriff, in 1875, Tweed asked to see his wife, and +said he would be back in a minute.</p> + +<p>He came back by way of Spain, in the fall of '76, looking much improved. +But the malaria and dissipation of Blackwell's Island afterwards +impaired his health, and having done time there, and having been +arrested<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> afterwards and placed in Ludlow Street Jail, he died here +April 12, 1878, leaving behind him a large, vain world, and an equally +vain judgment for $6,537,117.38, to which he said he would give his +attention as soon as he could get a paving contract in the sweet +ultimately.</p> + +<p>From the exterior Ludlow Street Jail looks somewhat like a conservatory +of music, but as soon as one enters he readily discovers his mistake. +The structure has 100 feet frontage, and a court, which is sometimes +called the court of last resort. The guest can climb out of this court +by ascending a polished brick wall about 100 feet high, and then letting +himself down in a similar way on the Ludlow street side.</p> + +<p>That one thing is doing a great deal towards keeping quite a number of +people here who would otherwise, I think, go away.</p> + +<p>James D. Fish and Ferdinand Ward both remained here prior to their +escape to Sing Sing. Red Leary, also, made his escape from this point, +but did not succeed in reaching the penitentiary. Forty thousand +pris<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>oners have been confined in Ludlow Street Jail, mostly for civil +offenses. A man in New York runs a very short career if he tries to be +offensively civil.</p> + +<p>As you enter Ludlow Street Jail the door is carefully closed after you, +and locked by means of an iron lock about the size of a pictorial family +Bible. You then remain on the inside for quite a spell. You do not hear +the prattle of soiled children any more. All the glad sunlight, and +stench-condensing pavements, and the dark-haired inhabitants of +Rivington street, are seen no longer, and the heavy iron storm-door +shuts out the wail of the combat from the alley near by. Ludlow Street +Jail may be surrounded by a very miserable and dirty quarter of the +city, but when you get inside all is changed.</p> + +<p>You register first. There is a good pen there that you can write with, +and the clerk does not chew tolu and read a sporting paper while you +wait for a room. He is there to attend to business, and he attends to +it. He does not seem to care whether you have any baggage or not. You +can stay here for days,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> even if you don't have any baggage. All you +need is a kind word and a mittimus from the court.</p> + +<p>One enters this sanitarium either as a boarder or a felon. If you decide +to come in as a boarder, you pay the warden $15 a week for the privilege +of sitting at his table and eating the luxuries of the market. You also +get a better room than at many hotels, and you have a good strong door, +with a padlock on it, which enables you to prevent the sudden and +unlooked-for entrance of the chambermaid. It is a good-sized room, with +a wonderful amount of seclusion, a plain bed, table, chairs, carpet and +so forth. After a few weeks at the seaside, at $19 per day, I think the +room in which I am writing is not unreasonable at $2.</p> + +<p>Still, of course, we miss the sea breeze.</p> + +<p>You can pay $50 to $100 per week here if you wish, and get your money's +worth, too. For the latter sum one may live in the bridal chamber, so to +speak, and eat the very best food all the time.</p> + +<p>Heavy iron bars keep the mosquitoes out,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> and at night the house is +brilliantly lighted by incandescent lights of one-candle power each. +Neat snuffers, consisting of the thumb and forefinger polished on the +hair, are to be found in each occupied room.</p> + +<p>Bread is served to the Freshmen and Juniors in rectangular wads. It is +such bread as convicts' tears have moistened many thousand years. In +that way it gets quite moist.</p> + +<p>The most painful feature about life in Ludlow Street Jail is the +confinement. One can not avoid a feeling of being constantly hampered +and hemmed in.</p> + +<p>One more disagreeable thing is the great social distinction here. The +poor man who sleeps in a stone niche near the roof, and who is +constantly elbowed and hustled out of his bed by earnest and restless +vermin with a tendency toward insomnia, is harassed by meeting in the +court-yard and corridors the paying boarders who wear good clothes, live +well, have their cigars, brandy and Kentucky Sec all the time.</p> + +<p>The McAllister crowd here is just as exclusive as it is on the outside.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p> + +<p>But, great Scott! what a comfort it is to a man like me, who has been +nearly killed by a cyclone, to feel the firm, secure walls and solid +time lock when he goes to bed at night! Even if I can not belong to the +400, I am almost happy.</p> + +<p>We retire at 7:30 o'clock at night and arise at 6:30 in the morning, so +as to get an early start. A man who has five or ten years to stay in a +place like this naturally likes to get at it as soon as possible each +day, and so he gets up at 6:30.</p> + +<p>We dress by the gaudy light of the candle, and while we do so, we +remember far away at home our wife and the little boy asleep in her +arms. They do not get up at 6:30. It is at this hour we remember the +fragrant drawer in the dresser at home where our clean shirts, and +collars and cuffs, and socks and handkerchiefs, are put every week by +our wife. We also recall as we go about our stone den, with its odor of +former corned beef, and the ghost of some bloody-handed predecessor's +snore still moaning in the walls,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> the picture of green grass by our own +doorway, and the apples that were just ripening, when the bench warrant +came.</p> + +<p>The time from 6:30 to breakfast is occupied by the average, or +non-paying inmate, in doing the chamberwork and tidying up his +state-room. I do not know how others feel about it, but I dislike +chamberwork most heartily, especially when I am in jail. Nothing has +done more to keep me out of jail, I guess, than the fact that while +there I have to make up my bed and dust the piano.</p> + +<p>Breakfast is generally table d'hôte and consists of bread. A tin-cup of +coffee takes the taste of the bread out of your mouth, and then if you +have some Limburger cheese in your pocket you can with that remove the +taste of the coffee.</p> + +<p>Dinner is served at 12 o'clock, and consists of more bread with soup. +This soup has everything in it except nourishment. The bead on this soup +is noticeable for quite a distance. It is disagreeable. Several days ago +I heard that the Mayor was in the soup,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> but I didn't realize it before. +I thought it was a newspaper yarn. There is everything in this soup, +from shop-worn rice up to neat's-foot oil. Once I thought I detected +cuisine in it.</p> + +<p>The dinner menu is changed on Fridays, Sundays and Thursdays, on which +days you get the soup first and the bread afterwards. In this way the +bread is saved.</p> + +<p>Three days in a week each man gets at dinner a potato containing a +thousand-legged worm. At 6 o'clock comes supper with toast and +responses. Bread is served at supper time, together with a cup of tea. +To those who dislike bread and never eat soup, or do not drink tea or +coffee, life at Ludlow Street Jail is indeed irksome.</p> + +<p>I asked for kumiss and a pony of Benedictine, as my stone boudoir made +me feel rocky, but it has not yet been sent up.</p> + +<p>Somehow, while here, I can not forget poor old man Dorrit, the Master of +the Marshalsea, and how the Debtors' Prison preyed upon his mind till he +didn't enjoy anything except to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> stand off and admire himself. Ludlow +Street Jail is a good deal like it in many ways, and I can see how in +time the canker of unrest and the bitter memories of those who did us +wrong but who are basking in the bright and bracing air, while we, to +meet their obligations, sacrifice our money, our health and at last our +minds, would kill hope and ambition.</p> + +<p>In a few weeks I believe I should also get a preying on my mind. That is +about the last thing I would think of preying on, but a man must eat +something.</p> + +<p>Before closing this brief and incomplete account as a guest at Ludlow +Street Jail I ought, in justice to my family, to say, perhaps, that I +came down this morning to see a friend of mine who is here because he +refuses to pay alimony to his recreant and morbidly sociable wife. He +says he is quite content to stay here, so long as his wife is on the +outside. He is writing a small ready-reference book on his side of the +great problem, "Is Marriage a Failure?"</p> + +<p>With this I shake him by the hand and in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> a moment the big iron +storm-door clangs behind me, the big lock clicks in its hoarse, black +throat and I welcome even the air of Ludlow street so long as the blue +sky is above it.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="OLD_POLKA_DOTS_DAUGHTER" id="OLD_POLKA_DOTS_DAUGHTER"></a>OLD POLKA DOT'S DAUGHTER</h2> + +<h3>II</h3> + + +<p>I once decided to visit an acquaintance who had named his country place +"The Elms." I went partly to punish him because his invitation was so +evidently hollow and insincere.</p> + +<p>He had "The Elms" worked on his clothes, and embossed on his stationery +and blown in his glass, and it pained him to eat his food from table +linen that didn't have "The Elms" emblazoned on it. He told me to come +and surprise him any time, and shoot in his preserves, and stay until +business compelled me to return to town again. He had no doubt heard +that I never surprise any one, and never go away from home very much, +and so thought it would be safe. Therefore I went. I went just to teach +him a valuable lesson. When I go to visit a man for a week, he is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> +certainly thenceforth going to be a better man, or else punishment is of +no avail and the chastening rod entirely useless in his case.</p> + +<p>"The Elms" was a misnomer. It should have been called "The Shagbark" or +"The Doodle Bug's Lair." It was supposed to mean a wide sweep of meadow, +a vine covered lodge, a broad velvet lawn, and a carriage way, where the +drowsy locust, in the sensuous shadow of magnanimous elms, gnawed a file +at intervals through the day, while back of all this the mossy and +gray-whiskered front and corrugated brow of the venerable architectural +pile stood off and admired itself in the deep and glassy pool at its +base.</p> + +<p>In the first place none of the yeomanry for eight miles around knew that +he called his old malarial tank "The Elms," so it was hard to find. But +when I described the looks of the lord of The Elms they wink at each +other and wagged their heads and said, "Oh, yes, we know him," also +interjecting well known one syllable words that are not euphonious +enough to print.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 497px;"> +<a name="illus025" id="illus025"></a> +<img src="images/i025.jpg" width="497" height="691" alt="... "His old look of apprehensive cordiality did not +leave him until he had seen me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and +start for home"" title="" /> +<span class="caption">... "His old look of apprehensive cordiality did not +leave him until he had seen me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and +start for home" (Page 15)</span> +</div> + +<p>When I got there he was down cellar sprout<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>ing potatoes, and his wife +was hanging out upon the clothes line a pair of gathered summer trousers +that evidently were made for a man who had been badly mangled in a +saw-mill.</p> + +<p>The Elms was not even picturesque, and the preserves were out of order. +I was received with the same cordiality which you detect on the face of +any other kind of detected liar. He wanted to be regarded as a +remarkable host and landed proprietor, without being really hospitable. +I remained there at The Elms a few days, rubbing rock salt and Cayenne +pepper into the wounds of my host, and suggesting different names for +his home, such as "The Tom Tit's Eyrie," "The Weeping Willow," "The +Crook Neck Squash" and "The Muskrat's Retreat." Then I came away. His +old look of apprehensive cordiality did not leave him until he had seen +me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and start for home.</p> + +<p>During my brief sojourn I noticed that the surrounding country was full +of people, and I presume there was a larger population of "boarders," as +we were called indiscrimi<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>nately, than ever before. The number of +available points to which the victims of humidity and poor plumbing may +retreat in summer time is constantly on the increase, while, so far as I +know, all the private and public boarding places are filled to their +utmost capacity. Everywhere, the gaudy boarder in flannels and ecru +shoes looms upon the green lawn or the brown dirt road, or scales the +mountain one day and stays in bed the following week, rubbing James B. +Pond's Extract on his swollen joints.</p> + +<p>I scaled Mount Utsa-yantha in company with others. We picked out a nice +hot day, and, selecting the most erect wall of the mountain, facing +west, we scaled it in such a way that it will not have to be done again +till new scales grow on it.</p> + +<p>Mount Utsa-yantha is 3,365 feet above sea level, and has a brow which +reminds me of mine. It is broad, massive and bleak. The foot of the +mountain is more massive, however. From the top of the mountain one +gets, with a good glass, a view of six or seven states, I was told. +Possibly there were that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> many in sight, though at that season of the +year states look so much alike that it takes an expert to pick them out +readily. When states are moulting, it is all I can do to tell Vermont +from Massachusetts. On this mountain one gets a nice view and highly +exhilarating birch beer.</p> + +<p>Albany can be distinctly seen with a glass—a field glass, I mean, not a +glass of birch beer. Some claim that the nub of a political boom may be +seen protruding from the Capitol with the nude vision. Others say they +can see the Green mountains, and as far south as the eye can reach. We +took two hours and a half for the ascent of the mountain, and came down +in about twenty minutes. We descended ungracefully—the way the Irishman +claimed that the toad walked, viz.: "git up and sit down."</p> + +<p>Mount Utsa-yantha—I use the accepted orthography as found in the +Blackhawk dictionary—has a legend also. Many centuries ago this +beautiful valley was infested by the red brother and his bronze progeny. +Where now the red and blue blazer goes shimmering<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> through the swaying +maples, and the girl with her other dress on and her straw colored +canvas cinch knocketh the croquet ball galley west, once there dwelt an +old chief whom we will call Polka Dot, the pride of his people. He +looked somewhat like William Maxwell Evarts, but was a heavier set man. +Places where old Polka Dot sat down and accumulated rest for himself are +still shown to city people whose faith was not overworked while young.</p> + +<p>Old Polka Dot was a firm man, with double teeth all around, and his +prowess got into the personal columns of the papers every little while. +He had a daughter named Utsa-yantha, which means "a messenger sent +hastily for treasure," so I am told, or possibly old Polka Dot meant to +imply "one sent off for cash."</p> + +<p>Anyhow Utsa-yantha grew to be quite comely, as Indian women go. I never +yet saw one that couldn't stop an ordinary planet by looking at it +steadily for two minutes. She dressed simply, wearing the same clothes +while tooling cross-country before breakfast<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> that she wore at the scalp +dance the evening before. In summer time she shellacked herself and +visited the poor. Taking a little box of water colors in a shawl strap, +so that she could change her clothes whenever she felt like it, she +would go away and be gone for a fortnight at a time, visiting the ultra +fashionable people of her tribe.</p> + +<p>Finally a white man penetrated this region. He did it by asking a +brakeman on the West Shore road how to get here and then doing +differently. In that way he had no trouble at all. He saw Utsa-yantha +and loved her almost instantly. She was skinning a muskrat at the time, +and he could not but admire her deftness and skill. From that moment he +was not able to drive her image from his heart. He sought her again and +again to tell her of his passion, but she would jump the fence and flee +like a frightened fawn with a split stick on its tail, if such a +comparison may be permitted. At last he won her, and married her quietly +in his working clothes. The nearest justice of the peace was then in +England, and so rather than wait he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> was married informally to +Utsa-yantha, and she went home very much impressed indeed. That fall a +little russet baby came to bless their union. The blessing was all he +had with him when he arrived.</p> + +<p>Then the old chief Polka Dot arose in his wrath, to which he added a +pair of moose hide moccasins, and he upbraided his daughter for her +conduct. He upbraided her with a piazza pole from his wigwam. He was +very much agitated. So was the pole.</p> + +<p>Then he cursed her for being the mother of a 1/2 breed child, and +stalking 1/4 he slew the white man by cutting open his trunk and +disarranging his most valuable possessions. He then wiped the stab +knife on his tossing mane, and grabbing his grandson by his swaddling +clothes he hurled the surprised little stranger into Lake Utsa-yantha. +By pouring another pailful of water into the lake the child was +successfully drowned.</p> + +<p>Then the widowed and childless Utsa-yantha came forth as night settled +down upon the beautiful valley and the day died peacefully on the +mountain tops. Her eyes were<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> red with weeping and her breath was +punctuated with sobs. Putting on a pair of high rubber boots she waded +out into the middle of the lake, where there is quite a deep place, and +drowned herself.</p> + +<p>When the old man found the body of his daughter he was considerably +mortified. He took her to the top of the mountain and buried her there, +and ever afterward, it is said, whenever any one spoke of the death of +his daughter and her family, he would color up and change the subject.</p> + +<p>This should teach us never to kill a son-in-law without getting his +wife's consent.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_GREAT_CEREBRATOR" id="A_GREAT_CEREBRATOR"></a>A GREAT CEREBRATOR</h2> + +<h3>III</h3> + + +<p>Being at large in Virginia, along in the latter part of last season, I +visited Monticello, the former home of Thomas Jefferson, also his grave. +Monticello is about an hour's ride from Charlottesville, by diligence. +One rides over a road constructed of rip-raps and broken stone. It is +called a macadamized road, and twenty miles of it will make the pelvis +of a long-waisted man chafe against his ears. I have decided that the +site for my grave shall be at the end of a trunk line somewhere, and I +will endow a droska to carry passengers to and from said grave.</p> + +<p>Whatever my life may have been, and however short I may have fallen in +my great struggle for a generous recognition by the American people, I +propose to place my grave within reach of all.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> + +<p>Monticello is reached by a circuitous route to the top of a beautiful +hill, on the crest of which rests the brick house where Mr. Jefferson +lived. You enter a lodge gate in charge of a venerable negro, to whom +you pay two bits apiece for admission. This sum goes towards repairing +the roads, according to the ticket which you get. It just goes toward +it, however; it don't quite get there, I judge, for the roads are still +appealing for aid. Perhaps the negro can tell how far it gets. Up +through a neglected thicket of Virginia shrubs and ill-kempt trees you +drive to the house. It is a house that would readily command $750, with +queer porches to it, and large, airy windows. The top of the whole hill +was graded level, or terraced, and an enormous quantity of work must +have been required to do it, but Jefferson did not care. He did not care +for fatigue. With two hundred slaves of his own, and a dowry of three +hundred more which was poured into his coffers by his marriage, Jeff did +not care how much toil it took to polish off the top of a bluff or how +much the sweat stood out on the brow of a hill.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> + +<p>Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence. He sent it to one of +the magazines, but it was returned as not available, so he used it in +Congress and afterward got it printed in the <i>Record</i>.</p> + +<p>I saw the chair he wrote it in. It is a plain, old-fashioned wooden +chair, with a kind of bosom-board on the right arm, upon which Jefferson +used to rest his Declaration of Independence whenever he wanted to write +it.</p> + +<p>There is also an old gig stored in the house. In this gig Jefferson used +to ride from Monticello to Washington in a day. This is untrue, but it +goes with the place. It takes from 8:30 A. M. until noon to ride this +distance on a fast train, and in a much more direct line than the old +wagon road ran.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jefferson was the father of the University of Virginia, one of the +most historic piles I have ever clapped eyes on. It is now under the +management of a classical janitor, who has a tinge of negro blood in his +veins, mixed with the rich Castilian blood of somebody else.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p> + +<p>He has been at the head of the University of Virginia for over forty +years, bringing in the coals and exercising a general oversight over the +curriculum and other furniture. He is a modest man, with a tendency +toward the classical in his researches. He took us up on the roof, +showed us the outlying country, and jarred our ear-drums with the big +bell. Mr. Estes, who has general charge of Monticello—called +Montechello—said that Mr. Jefferson used to sit on his front porch with +a powerful glass, and watch the progress of the work on the University, +and if the workmen undertook to smuggle in a soft brick, Mr. Jefferson, +five or six miles away, detected it, and bounding lightly into his +saddle, he rode down there to Charlottesville, and clubbed the +bricklayers until they were glad to pull down the wall to that brick and +take it out again.</p> + +<p>This story is what made me speak of that section a few minutes ago as an +outlying country.</p> + +<p>The other day Charles L. Seigel told us the Confederate version of an +attack on Fort Moultrie during the early days of the war,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> which has +never been printed. Mr. Seigel was a German Confederate, and early in +the fight was quartered, in company with others, at the Moultrie House, +a seaside hotel, the guests having deserted the building.</p> + +<p>Although large soft beds with curled hair mattresses were in each room, +the department issued ticks or sacks to be filled with straw for the use +of the soldiers, so that they would not forget that war was a serious +matter. Nobody used them, but they were there all the same.</p> + +<p>Attached to the Moultrie House, and wandering about the back-yard, there +was a small orphan jackass, a sorrowful little light blue mammal, with a +tinge of bitter melancholy in his voice. He used to dwell on the past a +good deal, and at night he would refer to it in tones that were choked +with emotion.</p> + +<p>The boys caught him one evening as the gloaming began to arrange itself, +and threw him down on the green grass. They next pulled a straw bed over +his head, and inserted him in it completely, cutting holes for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> his +legs. Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and hit him a +smart, stinging blow with a black snake.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 383px;"> +<a name="illus027" id="illus027"></a> +<img src="images/i038.jpg" width="383" height="550" alt="Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and +hit him a smart, stinging blow with a black snake (Page 27)" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and +hit him a smart, stinging blow with a black snake (Page 27)</span> +</div> + +<p>Probably that was what suggested to him the idea of strolling down the +beach, past the sentry, and on toward the fort. The darkness of the +night, the rattle of hoofs, the clash of the bells, the quick challenge +of the guard, the failure to give the countersign, the sharp volley of +the sentinels, and the wild cry, "to arms," followed in rapid +succession. The tocsin sounded, also the slogan. The culverin, ukase, +and door-tender were all fired. Huge beacons of fat pine were lighted +along the beach. The whole slumbering host sprang to arms, and the crack +of the musket was heard through the intense darkness.</p> + +<p>In the morning the enemy was found intrenched in a mud-hole, south of +the fort, with his clean new straw tick spattered with clay, and a +wildly disheveled tail.</p> + +<p>On board the Richmond train not long ago a man lost his hat as we pulled +out of Petersburg, and it fell by the side of the track. The<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> train was +just moving slowly away from the station, so he had a chance to jump off +and run back after it. He got the hat, but not till we had placed seven +or eight miles between us and him. We could not help feeling sorry for +him, because very likely his hat had an embroidered hat band in it, +presented by one dearer to him than life itself, and so we worked up +quite a feeling for him, though of course he was very foolish to lose +his train just for a hat, even if it did have the needle-work of his +heart's idol in it.</p> + +<p>Later I was surprised to see the same man in Columbia, South Carolina, +and he then told me this sad story:</p> + +<p>"I started out a month ago to take a little trip of a few weeks, and the +first day was very, very happily spent in scrutinizing nature and +scanning the faces of those I saw. On the second day out, I ran across a +young man whom I had known slightly before, and who is engaged in the +business of being a companionable fellow and the life of the party. That +is about all the business he has. He knows a great many people, and his +circle of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> acquaintances is getting larger all the time. He is proud of +the enormous quantity of friendship he has acquired. He says he can't +get on a train or visit any town in the Union that he doesn't find a +friend.</p> + +<p>"He is full of stories and witticisms, and explains the plays to theater +parties. He has seen a great deal of life and is a keen critic. He would +have enjoyed criticising the Apostle Paul and his elocutionary style if +he had been one of the Ephesians. He would have criticised Paul's +gestures, and said, 'Paul, I like your Epistles a heap better than I do +your appearance on the platform. You express yourself well enough with +your pen, but when you spoke for the Ephesian Y. M. C. A., we were +disappointed in you and we lost money on you.'</p> + +<p>"Well, he joined me, and finding out where I was going, he decided to go +also. He went along to explain things to me, and talk to me when I +wanted to sleep or read the newspaper. He introduced me to large numbers +of people whom I did not want to meet, took me to see things I didn't +want to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> see, read things to me that I didn't want to hear, and +introduced to me people who didn't want to meet me. He multiplied misery +by throwing uncongenial people together and then said: 'Wasn't it lucky +that I could go along with you and make it pleasant for you?'</p> + +<p>"Everywhere he met more new people with whom he had an acquaintance. He +shook hands with them, and called them by their first names, and felt in +their pockets for cigars. He was just bubbling over with mirth, and +laughed all the time, being so offensively joyous, in fact, that when he +went into a car, he attracted general attention, which suited him +first-rate. He regarded himself as a universal favorite and all-round +sunbeam.</p> + +<p>"When we got to Washington, he took me up to see the President. He knew +the President well—claimed to know lots of things about the President +that made him more or less feared by the administration. He was +acquainted with a thousand little vices of all our public men, which +virtually placed them in his power. He knew how the President<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> conducted +himself at home, and was 'on to everything' in public life.</p> + +<p>"Well, he shook hands with the President, and introduced me. I could see +that the President was thinking about something else, though, and so I +came away without really feeling that I knew him very well.</p> + +<p>"Then we visited the departments, and I can see now that I hurt myself +by being towed around by this man. He was so free, and so joyous, and so +bubbling, that wherever we went I could hear the key grate in the lock +after we passed out of the door.</p> + +<p>"He started south with me. He was going to show me all the +battle-fields, and introduce me into society. I bought some strychnine +in Washington, and put it in his buckwheat cakes; but they got cold, and +he sent them back. I did not know what to do, and was almost wild, for I +was traveling entirely for pleasure, and not especially for his pleasure +either.</p> + +<p>"At Petersburg I was told that the train going the other way would meet +us. As we started out, I dropped my hat from the win<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span>dow while looking +at something. It was a desperate move, but I did it. Then I jumped off +the train, and went back after it. As soon as I got around the curve I +ran for Petersburg, where I took the other train. I presume you all felt +sorry for me, but if you'd seen me fold myself in a long, passionate +embrace after I had climbed on the other train, you would have changed +your minds."</p> + +<p>He then passed gently from my sight.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="HINTS_FOR_THE_HOUSEHOLD" id="HINTS_FOR_THE_HOUSEHOLD"></a>HINTS FOR THE HOUSEHOLD</h2> + +<h3>IV</h3> + + +<p>There are a great many pleasures to which we may treat ourselves very +economically if we go at it right. In this way we can, at a slight +expense, have those comforts, and even luxuries, for which we should +otherwise pay a great price.</p> + +<p>Costly rugs and carpets, though beautiful and rich in appearance, +involve such an outlay of money that many hesitate about buying them; +but a very tasty method of treating floors inexpensively consists in +staining the edge for several feet in width, leaving the center of the +room to be covered by a large rug. Staining for the floor maybe easily +made, by boiling maple bark, twenty parts; pokeberry juice, +twenty-five parts; hazel brush, thirty parts, and sour milk, twenty-five +parts, until it becomes about the consistency of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> theory of infant +damnation. Let it stand a few weeks, until the rich flavor has died +down, so that you can look at it for quite a while without nausea; then +add vinegar and copperas to suit the taste, and apply by means of a +whisk broom. When dry, help yourself to some more of it. This gives the +floor a rich pauper's coffin shade, over which shellac or cod liver oil +should be applied.</p> + +<p>Rugs may be made of coffee sacking or Turkish gunny-rest sacks, inlaid +with rich designs in red yarn, and a handsome fringe can be added by +raveling the edges.</p> + +<p>A beautiful receptacle for soiled collars and cuffs may be made by +putting a cardboard bottom in a discarded and shattered coal scuttle, +gilding the whole and tying a pale blue ribbon on the bail.</p> + +<p>A cheap and very handsome easy-chair can be constructed by sawing into a +flour barrel and removing less than half the length of staves for +one-third the distance around, then fasten inside a canvas or duck seat, +below which the barrel is filled with bran.</p> + +<p>A neat little mackerel tub makes a most<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> appropriate foot-stool for this +chair, and looks so unconventional and rustic that it wins every one at +once. Such a chair should also have a limited number of tidies on its +surface. Otherwise it might give too much satisfaction. A good style of +inexpensive tidy is made by poking holes in some heavy, strong goods, +and then darning up these holes with something else. The darned tidy +holds its place better, I think, and is more frequently worn away on the +back of the last guest than any other.</p> + +<p>This list might be prolonged almost indefinitely, and I should be glad +to write my own experience in the line of experiment, if it were not for +the danger of appearing egotistical. For instance, I once economized in +the matter of paper-hanging, deciding that I would save the +paper-hanger's bill and put the money into preferred trotting stock.</p> + +<p>So I read a recipe in a household hint, which went on to state how one +should make and apply paste to wall paper, how to begin, how to apply +the paper, and all that. The paste was made by uniting flour, water and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> +glue in such a way as to secure the paper to the wall and yet leave it +smooth, according to the recipe. First the walls had to be "sized," +however.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 428px;"> +<a name="illus036" id="illus036"></a> +<img src="images/i049.jpg" width="428" height="550" alt="My idea was to apply it to the wall mostly, but the +chair tipped, and so I papered the piano and my wife on the way down" title="" /> +<span class="caption">My idea was to apply it to the wall mostly, but the +chair tipped, and so I papered the piano and my wife on the way down (Page 36)</span> +</div> + +<p>I took a tape-measure and sized the walls.</p> + +<p>Next I began to prepare the paste and cook some in a large milk-pan. It +looked very repulsive indeed, but it looked so much better than it +smelled, that I did not mind. Then I put about five cents' worth of it +on one roll of paper, and got up on a chair to begin. My idea was to +apply it to the wall mostly, but the chair tipped, and so I papered the +piano and my wife on the way down. My wife gasped for breath, but soon +tore a hole through the paper so she could breathe, and then she laughed +at me. That is the reason I took another end of the paper and repapered +her face. I can not bear to have any one laugh at me when I am myself +unhappy.</p> + +<p>It was good paste, if you merely desired to disfigure a piano or a wife, +but otherwise it would not stick at all. I did not like it. I was mad +about it. But my wife seemed quite<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> stuck on it. She hasn't got it all +out of her hair yet.</p> + + + +<p>Then a man dropped in to see me about some money that I had hoped to pay +him that morning, and he said the paste needed more glue and a quart of +molasses. I put in some more glue and the last drop of molasses we had +in the house. It made a mass which looked like unbaked ginger snaps, and +smelled as I imagine the deluge did at low tide.</p> + +<p>I next proceeded to paper the room. Sometimes the paper would adhere, +and then again it would refrain from adhering. When I got around the +room I had gained ground so fast at the top and lost so much time at the +bottom of the walls, that I had to put in a wedge of paper two feet wide +at the bottom, and tapering to a point at the top, in order to cover the +space. This gave the room the appearance of having been toyed with by an +impatient cyclone, or an air of inebriety not in keeping with my poor +but honest character.</p> + +<p>I went to bed very weary, and abraded in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> places. I had paste in my +pockets, and bronze up my nose. In the night I could hear the paper +crack. Just as I would get almost to sleep, it would pop. That was +because the paper was contracting and trying to bring the dimensions of +the room I own to fit it.</p> + +<p>In the morning the room had shrunken so that the carpet did not fit, and +the paper hung in large molasses-covered welts on the walls. It looked +real grotesque. I got a paper-hanger to come and look at it. He did so.</p> + +<p>"And what would you advise me to do with it, sir?" I asked, with a +degree of deference which I had never before shown to a paper-hanger.</p> + +<p>"Well, I can hardly say at first. It is a very bad case. You see, the +glue and stuff have made the paper and wrinkles so hard now, that it +would cost a great deal to blast it off. Do you own the house?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir. That is, I have paid one-half the purchase-price, and there +is a mortgage for the balance."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Oh. Well, then you are all right," said the paper-hanger, with a gleam +of hope in his eye. "Let it go on the mortgage."</p> + +<p>Then I had to economize again, so I next resorted to the home method of +administering the Turkish bath. You can get a Turkish bath in that way +at a cost of four and one-half to five cents, which is fully as good as +one that will cost you a dollar or more in some places.</p> + +<p>I read the directions in a paper. There are two methods of administering +the low-price Turkish bath at home. One consists in placing the person +to be treated in a cane-seat chair, and then putting a pan of hot water +beneath this chair. Ever and anon a hot stone or hot flat-iron is +dropped into the water by means of tongs, and thus the water is kept +boiling, the steam rising in thick masses about the person in the chair, +who is carefully concealed in a large blanket. Every time a hot +flat-iron or stone is dropped into the pan it spatters the boiling water +on the bare limbs of the person who is being operated upon, and if you +are living in the same<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> country with him, you will hear him loudly +wrecking his chances beyond the grave by stating things that are really +wrong.</p> + +<p>The other method, and the one I adopted, is better than this. You apply +the heat by means of a spirit lamp, and no one, to look at a little +fifteen cent spirit lamp, would believe that it had so much heat in it +till he has had one under him as he sits in a wicker chair.</p> + +<p>A wicker chair does not interfere with the lamp at all, or cut off the +heat, and one is so swathed in blankets and rubber overcoats that he +can't help himself.</p> + +<p>I seated myself in that way, and then the torch was applied. Did the +reader ever get out of a bath and sit down on a wire brush in order to +put on his shoes, and feel a sort of startled thrill pervade his whole +being? Well, that is good enough as far as it goes, but it does not +really count as a sensation, when you have been through the Home +Treatment Turkish Bath.</p> + +<p>My wife was in another room reading a new book in which she was greatly +interested.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> While she was thus storing her mind with information, she +thought she smelled something burning. She went all around over the +house trying to find out what it was. Finally she found out.</p> + +<p>It was her husband. I called to her, of course, but she wanted me to +wait until she had discovered what was on fire. I tried to tell her to +come and search my neighborhood, but I presume I did not make myself +understood, because I was excited, and my personal epidermis was being +singed off in a way that may seem funny to others, but was not so to one +who had to pass through it.</p> + +<p>It bored me quite a deal. Once the wicker seat of the chair caught fire.</p> + +<p>"Oh, heavens," I cried, with a sudden pang of horror, "am I to be thus +devoured by the fire fiend? And is there no one to help? Help! Help! +Help!"</p> + +<p>I also made use of other expressions but they did not add to the sense +of the above.</p> + +<p>I perspired very much, indeed, and so the bath was, in a measure, a +success, but oh, what doth it profit a man to gain a bath if he lose his +own soul?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_JOURNEY_WESTWARD" id="A_JOURNEY_WESTWARD"></a>A JOURNEY WESTWARD</h2> + +<h3>V</h3> + + +<p>I once visited my old haunts in Colorado and Wyoming after about seven +years of absence. I also went to Utah, where spring had come in the rich +valley of the Jordan and the glossy blackbird, with wing of flame, +scooted gaily from bough to bough, deftly declaring his affections right +and left, and acquiring more wives than he could support, then clearing +his record by claiming to have had a revelation which made it all right.</p> + +<p>One could not shut his eyes to the fact that there was great real estate +activity in the West that spring. It took the place of mining and stock, +I judge, and everywhere you heard and saw men with their heads together +plotting against the poor rich man. In Salt Lake I saw the sign, "Drugs +and Real Estate."</p> + +<p>I presume it meant medicine and a small residence lot in the cemetery.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + +<p>In early days in Denver, Henry C. Brown, then in the full flush and +vigor of manhood, opened negotiations with the agent of the Atchison +stage line for a ticket back to Atchison, as he was heart-broken and +homesick. He owned a quarter-section of land, with a heavy growth of +prairie dogs on it, and he had almost persuaded the agent to swap him a +ticket for this sage brush conservatory, when the ticket seller backed +gently out of the trade. Mr. Brown then sat him down on the sidewalk and +cried bitterly.</p> + +<p>I just tell this to show how easily some men weep. Atchison is at +present so dead that a good cowboy, with an able mule, could tie his +rope to its tail, and, putting his spurs to the mule, jerk loose the +entire pelt at any time, while Brown's addition to Denver is worth +anywhere from one and a half to two millions of dollars. When Mr. Brown +weeps now it is because his food is too rich and gives him the gout. He +sold prairie dogs enough to fence the land in so that it could not blow +into Cherry Creek vale, and then he set to work earnestly to wait for +the property<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> to advance. Finding that he could not sell the property at +any price, he, with great foresight, concluded to retain it. Some men, +with no special ability in other directions, have the greatest genius +for doing such things, while others, with superior talent in other ways, +do not make money in this way.</p> + +<p>A report once got around that I had made a misguess on some property. +This is partly true, only it was my wife who speculated. She had never +speculated much before, though she had tried other open air amusements. +So she swapped a cottage and lots in Hudson, Wisconsin, for city lots in +Minneapolis, employing a man named Flinton Pansley to work up the trade, +look into the title, and do the square thing for her. He was a real good +man, with heavenly aspirations and a true sorrow in his heart for the +prevalence of sin. Still this sorrow did not break in on his business. +Well, the business was done by correspondence and Mr. Pansley only +charged a reasonable amount, she giving him her new carriage to +remunerate him for his brain fag. What the other man<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> paid him for +disposing of the lots I do not know. I was away at the time, and having +no insect powder with which to take his life I regretfully spared him to +his Bible class.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 330px;"> +<a name="illus045" id="illus045"></a> +<img src="images/i058.jpg" width="330" height="550" alt="Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear +their young, but people never go there (Page 45)" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear +their young, but people never go there (Page 45)</span> +</div> + +<p>I did send a man over the lots, however, when I returned. They were not +really in the city of Minneapolis, that is, they were not near enough to +worry anybody by the tumult of the town. In fact, they were in another +county. You may think I am untruthful about this, but the lots are +there, if you have any curiosity to see them. They are not where they +were represented to be, however, and the machine shops and gas works and +court-house are quite a long distance away.</p> + +<p>You could cut some hay on these lots, but not enough to pay the interest +on the mortgage. Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear +their young, but people never go there. Two years ago Senator Washburn +killed a bear on one of these lots, but that is all they have ever +produced, except a slight coldness on our part toward Mr. Pansley. He +says he likes the carriage real well,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> and anything he can do for us in +the future in dickering for city property will be done with an alacrity +that would almost make one's head swim. I must add that I have +permission to use this information, as the victim seems to think there +is something kind of amusing about it. Some people think a thing funny +which others can hardly get any amusement out of. What I wonder at is +that Pansley did not ask for the team when he got the carriage.</p> + +<p>Possibly he did not like the team.</p> + +<p>I just learned recently that he and the Benders used to be very thick in +an early day, but after awhile the Benders said they guessed they would +have to be excused. Even the Benders had to draw the line somewhere.</p> + +<p>Later I bought property in Salt Lake. Not a heavy venture, you +understand. Just the box-office receipts for one evening. I saw it +stated in the papers at $10,000. Anyway, I will let that go. That is +near enough. When I see anything in the papers I ask no more questions. +I do not think it is right.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> Patti and I have both made it a rule to put +in at least one evening as an investment where we happen to be. We are +almost sure to do well out of it, and we also get better notices in the +papers.</p> + +<p>Patti is not looking so well as she did when my father took me to see +her in the prime of her life. Though getting quite plain, it costs as +much to see her as ever it did. Her voice has a metallic, or rather +bi-metallic, ring to it nowadays, and she misses it by not working in +more topical songs and bright Italian gags.</p> + +<p>I asked her about an old singer who used to be with her. She said: "He +was remova to ze ocean, where he keepa ze lighthouse. He learn to +himself how to manage ze lighthouse one seasong; then he try by himself +to star."</p> + +<p>Now, if she would do some of those things on the stage it would pay her +first rate.</p> + +<p>When I was in Wyoming on that trip I met many old friends, all of whom +shook me warmly by the hand as soon as they saw me. I visited the +Capitol, and both houses<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> adjourned for an hour out of respect to my +memory. I will never again say anything mean of a member of the +legislature. A speech of welcome was made by the gentleman from Crook +county, Mr. Kellogg, the Demosthenes of the coming state. He made +statements about me that day which in the paper read almost as good and +truthful as an epitaph.</p> + +<p>Going over the hill, at Crow Creek, whose perfumed waters kiss the +livery stables and abattoirs at Camp Carlin, three slender Sarah +Bernhardt coyotes came towards the train, looking wistfully at me as if +to say: "Why, partner, how you have fleshed up!" Answering them from the +platform of the car, I said: "Go East, young men, and flesh up with the +country." Honestly and seriously, I do think that if the coyote would +change off and try the soft-shell crab diet for a while, he would pick +right up.</p> + +<p>When I got to Laramie City the welcome was so warm that it almost wiped +out the memory of my shabby reception in New<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> York harbor last summer, +on my return from Europe, when even my band went back on me and got +drunk at Coney Island on the very money I had given them to use in +welcoming me home again.</p> + +<p>Winter had been a little severe along the cattle ranges, and deceased +cattle might be seen extending their swollen carcasses into the bright, +crisp air as the train whirled one along at the rate of seven to eight +miles per hour. The skinning of a frozen steer is a diverting and +unusual proceeding. Col. Buffalo Bill, who served under Washington and +killed buffalo and baby elephants at Valley Forge, according to an +Italian paper, should put this feature into his show. Maybe he will when +he reads this. The cow gentleman first selects a quick yet steady-going +mule; then he looks for a dead steer. He does not have to look very far. +He now fastens one end of the deceased to some permanent object. This is +harder to find than the steer, however. He then attaches his rope to the +hide of the remains, having cut it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> with his knife first. He next starts +the mule off, and a mile or so away he discovers that the hide is +entirely free from the cold and pulseless corps.</p> + +<p>Sometimes a cowboy tries to skin a steer before the animal is entirely +dead, and when the former gets back to the place from which he was +kicked, he finds that he has a brand new set of whiskers with which to +surprise his friends.</p> + +<p>The Pacific roads have greatly improved in recent years, and though they +do not dazzle one with their speed, they are much more comfortable to +pass a few weeks on than they were when the eating-houses, or many of +them, were in the hands of people who could not cook very well, but who +made a great deal of money. Now you can eat in a good buffet-car, or a +first-class dining-car, at your leisure, or you can stop off and get a +good meal, or you can carry a few hens and eat hard-boiled eggs all over +your neighbors.</p> + +<p>I do not think people on the cars ought to keep hens. It disturbs the +other passen<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>gers and is anything but agreeable to the hens. Close +confinement is never good for a hen that is advanced in years, and the +cigar smoke from the rear of the car hurts her voice, I think.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_PROPHET_AND_A_PIUTE" id="A_PROPHET_AND_A_PIUTE"></a>A PROPHET AND A PIUTE</h2> + +<h3>VI</h3> + + +<p>I have bought some more real estate. It occurred in Oakland, California. +In making the purchase I had the assistance of a prophet, and I hope the +prophet will not be overbalanced by the loss. It came about in this way: +A prophet on a bicycle came to Oakland suddenly very hard up a few weeks +ago, and began to ride up and down on his two-wheeler, warning the +people to flee to the high ground, and thus escape the wrath to come, +for, he said, the waters of the great deep would arise at about the +middle of the month and smite the people of Oakland and slay them, and +float the pork barrels out of their cellars, and fill their cisterns +with people who had sneered at his prophecy.</p> + +<p>This gentleman was an industrious prophet and did a good business in his +line. He attracted much notice, and had all he could do<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> at his trade +for several weeks. Many Oakland people were frightened, especially as +Wiggins, the great intellectual Sahara of the prophet industry, also +prophesied a high wave which would rise at least above the bills at the +Palace Hotel in San Francisco. With the aid of these two gifted +middle-weight prophets, I was enabled to secure some good bargains in +corner lots and improved property in Oakland at ten per cent. of the +estimated value. In other words, I put my limited powers as a prophet +against those of Professor Wiggins, the painstaking and conscientious +seer of Canada, and the bicycle prophet of the Pacific slope. I am +willing to stand or fall by the result.</p> + +<p>As a prophet I have never attracted attention in this country, mostly +because I have been too busy with other things. Also because there was +so little prophesying to be done in these degenerate days that I did not +care to take hold of the industry; but I have ever been ready to +purchase at a great discount the desirable residences of those +contemplating a general collapse of the uni<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>verse, or a tidal wave which +would wipe out the general government and cover with a placid sea the +mighty republic which God has heretofore, for some reason, smiled upon. +Moreover, I can hardly believe that the Deity would commission a man to +go out over California on a bicycle to warn people, when a few red +messages and a standing notice in the newspapers would do the work in +less time. Reasoning in this manner with a sturdy logic worthy of my +rich and unctious past, I have secured some good trades in down-town +property, and shall await the coming devastation with a calm and +entirely unruffled breast.</p> + +<p>California, at any season of the year, is a miracle of beauty, as almost +every one knows. Nature heightens the effect for the tenderfoot by +compelling him to cross the Alpine heights of the Sierra Nevada +Mountains and freeze approximately to death in the cold heart of a snow +blockade. Thus, weather-beaten and sore, he reaches the rolling green +hills and is greeted with the rich odor of violets. I submitted to the +insults of a tottering monopoly for a week, in the heart of the winter, +and, tired<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> and sick at soul, with chilblains on my feet and liniment on +my other lineaments, I burst forth one bright morning into the realm of +eternal summer. The birds sang in my frozen bosom. I shed the gunnysack +wraps from my tender feet even as a butterfly or a tramp bursts his hull +in the spring time, and I laughed two or three coarse, outdoor laughs, +which shook the balmy branches of the tall pomegranate trees and +twittered in the dense foliage of the magnolia.</p> + +<p>The railroad was very kind to me at first. That was when I was buying my +ticket. Later on it became more harsh and even reproached me at times. +Conductors woke me up two or three times in the night to gaze fondly on +my ticket and look as if they were sorry they ever parted with it. On +the Central Pacific passengers are not permitted to give their tickets +to the porter on retiring. You must wake up and converse with the +conductor at all hours of the night, and hold a lantern for him while he +slowly spells out the hard words on your ticket. I did not like this, +and several times I murmured in a querulous tone to the con<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span>ductor. But +he did not mind it. He went on doing the behests of his employer, and in +that way endearing himself to the great adversary of souls.</p> + +<p>I said to an official of the road: "Do you not think this is the worst +managed road in the United States—always excepting the Western North +Carolina Railroad, which is an incorporated insult to humanity?"</p> + +<p>"Well," he replied, "that depends, of course, on the standpoint from +which you view it. If we were trying to divert travel to the Southern +Pacific, also the rolling stock, the good-will, the culverts, the +dividends, the frogs, the snowsheds, the right of way and the new-laid +train figs, everything except the first, second and third mortgages, +which would naturally revert to the government, would you not think we +were managing the business with a steady hand and a watchful eye?"</p> + +<p>I said I certainly should. I then wrung his hand softly and stole away, +as he also began to do the same thing.</p> + + + +<p>At Reno we had a day or two in which to observe the city from the car +platform, while<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> waiting for the blockade to be raised. We could not go +away from the train further than five hundred feet, for it might start +at any moment. That is one beauty about a snow blockade. It entitles you +to a stop-over, but you must be ready to hop on when the train starts. I +improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of the beautiful and +picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians. They are a quiet, +reserved set of people, who, by saying nothing, sometimes obtain a +reputation for deep thought. I always envy anybody who can do that. Such +men make good presidential candidates. Candidates, I say, mind you. The +time has come in this country when it is hard to unite good +qualifications as a candidate with the necessary qualities for a +successful official.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 348px;"> +<a name="illus057" id="illus057"></a> +<img src="images/i071.jpg" width="348" height="550" alt="I improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of +the beautiful and picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians (Page +57)" title="" /> +<span class="caption">I improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of +the beautiful and picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians (Page +57)</span> +</div> + +<p>The Piute, in March or April, does not go down cellar and bring up his +gladiolus, or remove the banking from the side of his villa. He does not +mulch the asparagus bed, or prune the pie-plant, or rake the front yard, +or salt the hens. He does not even wipe his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> heartbroken and neglected +nose. He makes no especial change in his great life-work because spring +has come. He still looks serious, and like a man who is laboring under +the impression that he is about to become the parent of a thought. These +children of the Piute brave never mature. They do not take their places +in the histories or the school readers of our common country. The Piute +wears a bright red lap-robe over his person, and generally a stiff +Quaker hat, with a leather band. His hair is very thick, black and +coarse, and is mostly cut off square in the neck, by means of an adz, I +judge, or possibly it is eaten off by moths. The Piute is never bald +during life. After he is dead he becomes bald and beloved.</p> + +<p>Johnson Sides is a well-known Piute who had the pleasure of meeting me +at Reno. He said he was a great admirer of mine and had all my writings +in a scrap-book at home. He also said that he wished I would come and +lecture for his tribe. I afterward learned that he was an earnest and +hopeful liar from<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> Truckee. He had no scrap-book at all. Also no home.</p> + +<p>Mr. Sides at one time became quite civilized, distinguishing himself +from his tribe by reading the Bible and imprisoning the lower drapery of +his linen garment in the narrow confines of a pair of cavalry trousers, +instead of giving it to the irresponsible breeze, as other Piutes did. +He then established a hotel up the valley in the Sierras, and decided to +lead a life of industry. He built a hostelry called the +Shack-de-Poker-Huntus, and advertised in the <i>Carson Appeal</i>, a paper +which even the editor, Sam Davis, says fills him with wonder and +amazement when he knows that people actually subscribe for it. Very soon +Piutes began to go to the shack to spend the heated term. Every Piute +who took the <i>Appeal</i> saw the advertisement, which went on to state that +hot and cold water could be got into every room in the house, and that +electric bells, baths, silver-voiced chambermaids, over-charges, and +everything else connected with a first-class hotel, could be found at +that place. So the Piute people locked up their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> own homes, and, +ejecting the cat, they spat on the fire, and moved to the new summer +hotel. They took their friends with them. They had no money, but they +knew Johnson Sides, and they visited him all summer.</p> + +<p>In the fall Mr. Sides closed the house, and resuming his blanket he went +back to live with his tribe. When the butcher wagon called the next day +the driver found a notice of sale, and in the language of Sol Smith +Russell, "Good reasons given for selling."</p> + +<p>Mr. Sides had been a temperance man now for a year, at least externally, +but with the humiliation of this great financial wreck came a wild +desire to flee to the maddening bowl, having been monkeying with the +madding crowd all summer. So, silently, he obtained a bottle of Reno +embalming fluid and secreted himself behind a tree, where he was asked +to join himself in a social nip. He had hardly wiped away an idle tear +with the corner of his blanket and replaced the stopper in his tear jug +when the local representative of the U. G. J. E. T. A. of Reno came upon +him. He was reported to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> lodge, and his character bade fair to be +smirched so badly that nothing but saltpeter and a consistent life could +save it. At this critical stage Mr. Davis, of the <i>Appeal</i>, came to his +aid, and not only gave him the support and encouragement of his columns, +but told Mr. Sides that he would see that the legislature took speedy +action in removing his alcoholic disabilities. Through the untiring +efforts of Mr. Davis, therefore, a bill was framed "whereby the drink +taken by Johnson Sides, of Nevada, be and is hereby declared null and +void."</p> + +<p>On a certain day Mr. Davis told him that the bill would come up for +final passage and no doubt pass without opposition, but a purse would +have to be raised to defray the expenses. The tribe began to collect +what money they had and to sell their grasshoppers in order to raise +more.</p> + +<p>Johnson Sides and his people gathered on the day named, and seated +themselves in the galleries. Slim old warriors with firm faces and +beetling brows, to say nothing of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> having their hair roached, but yet +with no flies on them to speak of, sat in the front seats. Large, +corpulent squaws, wearing health costumes, secured by telegraph wire, +listened to the proceedings, knowing no more of what was going on than +other people do who go to watch the legislature. Finally, however, Sam +Davis came and told Mr. Sides that he was now pure as the driven snow. I +saw him last week, but it seemed to me it was about time to get some +more special legislation for him.</p> + +<p>Once Mr. Davis met Mr. Sides on the street and was so glad to see him +that he said: "Johnson, I like you first-rate, and should always be glad +to see you. Whenever you can, let me know where you are."</p> + +<p>The next week Sam got quite a lot of telegrams from along the +railroad—for the Indians ride free on account of their sympathies with +the road. These telegrams were dated at different stations. They were +hopeful and even cheery, and were all marked "collect." They read about +as follows:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> + +<div class="centerbox1"><p><i>Sam Davis, Carson, Nev.</i>:</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Winnemucca, Nev.</span>, March 31.<br /> +</p> + +<p>I am here.</p> + +<p class="author" style="margin-top: -1em;"> +<span class="smcap">Johnson Sides.</span> +</p></div> + +<p>Every little while for quite a long time Mr. Davis would get a bright, +reassuring telegram, sometimes in the middle of the night, when he was +asleep, informing him that Johnson Sides was "there," and he then would +go back to bed cheered and soothed and sustained.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_SABBATH_OF_A_GREAT_AUTHOR" id="THE_SABBATH_OF_A_GREAT_AUTHOR"></a>THE SABBATH OF A GREAT AUTHOR</h2> + +<h3>VII</h3> + + +<p>I awake at an unearthly hour on Sunday morning, after which I turn over +and go to sleep again. This second, or beauty sleep, I find to be almost +invaluable. I do it also with much more earnestness and expression than +that in the earlier part of the night. All the other people in the house +gradually wake up as I begin to get in my more fancy strokes.</p> + +<p>By eight o'clock everybody is stirring, and so I get up and glide about +in my pajamas, which makes me look almost like the "Clémenceau Case" in +search of an engagement.</p> + +<p>Mr. Rogers is going to have me sit to him in my pajamas for a group of +statuary. He also wishes to model an iron hitching post from me.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> + +<p>On waking I at once take to me tub and give myself a good cold bath.</p> + +<p>I then put in my teeth.</p> + +<p>After doing some little studies in chiropody I throw a silk-velvet +dressing gown over my shoulders and look at my bright and girlish beauty +in a full-length mirror, comparing the dimpling curves, as I see them +reflected, with those shown in the morning paper.</p> + +<p>After reading a little from the chess column of some good author, I +descend to the <i>salon</i> and greet my family smilingly in order to open +the day auspiciously. We all then sing around the parlor organ a little +pean entitled, "It's Funny When You Feel That Way."</p> + +<p>We now go to the breakfast room, where the children are taught to set +aside the daintiest bits for papa, because he might die some time and +then it would be a life-long regret to those who are spared that they +did not give him the tender part of the steer or the second joint of the +hen.</p> + +<p>After breakfast, which consists of chops, hashed brown potatoes, muffins +and coffee,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> preceded by canteloupe or baked beans, we proceed to +quarrel over who shall go to church and who shall remain at home to keep +the cattle out of the corn.</p> + +<p>We then go to church, those who can, at least, whilst the others remain +and read something that is improving. Sometimes I shave myself on Sunday +mornings. Then it takes me quite a while to get back into a religious +frame of mind. I do not manage very well in shaving myself, and people +who go by the house are often attracted by my yells.</p> + +<p>I go to church quite regularly and enjoy the sermon unless it is too +firm or personal. If it goes into doctrine too much I am apt to be quite +fatigued at its end on account of the mental reservations I have made +along through it.</p> + +<p>I like to go and hear about God's love, but I am rarely benefited by a +discourse which enlarges upon his jealousy. When I am told also that God +spares no pains in getting even with people, I not only do not enjoy the +information, but I would sit up till a late hour at night to doubt it.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 418px;"> +<a name="illus067" id="illus067"></a> +<img src="images/i082.jpg" width="418" height="550" alt="He sometimes succeeds in getting himself disliked by +some other dog and then I can observe the fight (Page 67)" title="" /> +<span class="caption">He sometimes succeeds in getting himself disliked by +some other dog and then I can observe the fight (Page 67)</span> +</div> +<p>I shake hands with the pastor, and after suggesting something for him to +preach about on the following Sabbath, I go home.</p> + +<p>In the afternoon I go walking if no one calls. We have dinner at 2 +o'clock on Sunday, consisting of jerked beef smothered in milk gravy. +This is the remove. For side dishes we have squash or meat pie. We +sometimes open with soup and then have clean plates all around, with +fowl and greens, tapering off with some kind of rich pie.</p> + +<p>After dinner I sometimes nap a little and then fool with the colt. This +is done quietly, however, so as not to break in upon the devotional +spirit of the day. After this I go for a walk or converse intelligently +with any foreign powers who may be visiting our shores.</p> + +<p>When I walk I am generally accompanied by a restless Queen Anne dog, +which precedes me about a mile. He sometimes succeeds in getting himself +disliked by some other dog and then I can observe the fight when I catch +up with him.</p> + +<p>As the twilight gathers all seem ready again for more food and we begin +to clamor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> for pabulum, keeping it up until either square or round +crackers and smearcase are produced. These are washed down with foaming +beakers of sarsaparilla.</p> + +<p>As the evening lamp is now lighted, I produce some good book or pamphlet +like "The Greatest Thing in the World," and read from it, occasionally +cuffing a child in order to keep everything calm and reposeful. At 9 +o'clock the cat is expelled and the eight-day clock is wound up for the +week. Gazing up at the bright cold stars after kicking forth the cat, I +realize that another Sabbath has been filed away in the great big brawny +bosom of the past, and with a little remorseful sigh and an incipient +sob when I think that I am not making a better record, I drive a fence +nail in over the door latch and seek my library which, on being properly +approached, opens and becomes a beautiful couch.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_FLYER_IN_DIRT" id="A_FLYER_IN_DIRT"></a>A FLYER IN DIRT</h2> + +<h3>VIII</h3> + + +<p>I have just returned from a visit to my property at Minneapolis, and can +not refrain from referring to its marvelous growth. The distance between +it and the business center of the city has also grown a good deal since +I last saw it. This is the property which I purchased some three years +ago of a real good man. His name is Pansley—Flinton Pansley. He has +done business in most all the towns of the Northwest. Perhaps a further +word or two about this pious gentleman will not be amiss. Entering a +place quietly and even meekly, with a letter to the local pastor, he +would begin reaching out his little social tendrils by sighing over the +lost and undone condition of mankind. After regretting the state in +which he had found God's vineyard, he would rent a store<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> and sell goods +at a sacrifice, but when the sacrifice was being offered up, a close +observer would discover that Mr. Pansley was not in it.</p> + +<p>In this way he would build up quite a trade, only sparing a little time +each day in which to retire to his closet and sob over the altogether +godless condition in which he had found man. He would then make an +assignment.</p> + +<p>Pardon me for again referring to the matter, but I do so utterly without +malice, and in connection with the unparalleled growth of my property +here. So if the gentle and rather attractive reader will excuse a bad +pen, and some plain stationery, as my own crested writing-paper is in my +trunk, which is now in the possession of a well-known hotel man whose +name is suppressed on account of his family, I shall refer again briefly +to the property and the circumstances surrounding its purchase. I had +intended to put a good fence around it ere this, but with these peculiar +circumstances surrounding it, I feel that it is safe from intrusion.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> + +<p>The property was sold to my wife by Mr. Pansley at a sacrifice, but when +the burnt offering had ascended, and the atmosphere had cleared, and the +ashes on the altar had been blown aside, the suspender buttons of Mr. +Pansley were not there. He had taken his bright red mark-down figures, +and a letter to his future pastor, and gone to another town. He is now +selling groceries. From town lots to groceries is, to a versatile man, a +very small stride. He is in business in St. Paul, and that has given +Minneapolis quite a little spurt of prosperity.</p> + +<p>We exchanged a cottage for city lots unimproved, as I said in a former +article, and got Mr. Pansley to do it for us. My wife gave him her +carriage for acting in that capacity. She was sorry she could not do +more for him, because he was a man who had found his fellow-men in such +an undone condition everywhere, and had been trying ever since to do +them up.</p> + +<p>The property lies about half-way between the West Hotel and the open +Polar Sea, and is in a good neighborhood, looking south; at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> least it +was the other day when I left it. It lies all over the northwest, +resembling in that respect the man we bought it of.</p> + +<p>Mr. Pansley took the carriage, also the wrench with which I was wont to +take off the nuts thereof when I greased it on Sabbath mornings. We +still go to church, but we walk. Occasionally Mr. Pansley whirls by us, +and his dust and debris fall upon my freshly ironed and neat linen coat +as he passes by us with a sigh.</p> + +<p>He said once that he did not care for money if he only could let in the +glad sunlight of the gospel upon the heathen.</p> + +<p>"Why," I exclaimed, "why do you wish to let in the glad sunlight of the +gospel upon the heathen?"</p> + +<p>"Alas!" he said, brushing away a tear with the corner of a gray shawl +which he wore, and wiping his bright, piercing nose on the top rail of +my fence, "so that they would not go to hell, Mr. Nye!"</p> + +<p>"And do you think that the heathen who knows nothing of God will go to +hell, or has been going to hell for, say, ten thousand years,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> without +having seen a daily paper or a Testament?"</p> + +<p>"I do. Millions of ignorant people in yet undiscovered lands are going +to hell daily without the knowledge of God." With that he turned away, +and concealed his emotion in his shawl, while his whole frame shook.</p> + +<p>"But, even if he should escape by reason of his ignorance, we can not +escape the responsibility of shedding the light of the gospel upon his +opaque soul," said he.</p> + +<p>So I gave him $2 to assist the poor heathen to a place where he may +share the welcome of a cordial and eternal damnation along with the more +educated and refined classes. Whether the heathen will ever appreciate +it or not, I can not tell at this moment. Lately I have had a little ray +of fear that he might not, and with that fear, like a beam of sunshine, +comes the blessed hope that possibly something may have happened to the +$2, and that mayhap it did not get there.</p> + +<p>I went up to see the property with which my wife had been endowed by the +generous<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> foresight of Mr. Pansley, the heathen's friend. I had seen the +place before, but not in the autumn.</p> + +<p>Oh, no, I had not saw it in the hectic of the dying year! I had not saw +it when the squirrel, the comic lecturer, and the Italian go forth to +gather their winter hoard of chestnuts. I had not saw it as the god of +day paints the royal mantle of the year's croaking monarch and the crow +sinks softly onto the swelling bosom of the dead horse. I had only saw +it in the wild, wet spring. I had only saw it when the frost and the +bullfrog were heaving out of the ground.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 360px;"> +<a name="illus074" id="illus074"></a> +<img src="images/i091.jpg" width="360" height="550" alt="Then rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off +into the scrub pine, carrying with me a large board (Page 74)" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Then rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off +into the scrub pine, carrying with me a large board (Page 74)</span> +</div> + +<p>I strolled out there. I rode on the railroad for a couple of hours +first, I think. Then I got off at a tank, where I got a nice, cool, +refreshing drink of as good, pure water as I ever flung a lip over. Then +rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off into the scrub pine, +carrying with me a large board on which I had painted in clear, +beautiful characters:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> + +<blockquote><h4><span class="smcap">For Sale.</span></h4> + +<p>The owner finding it necessary to go to Europe for eight or nine +years, in order to brush up on the languages of the continent and +return a few royal visits there, will sell all this suburban +property. Terms reasonable. No restrictions except that street-cars +shall not run past these lots at a higher rate of speed than sixty +miles per hour without permission of the owner.</p></blockquote> + +<p>I think that the property looks better in the autumn even than it does +in spring. The autumn leaves are falling. Also the price on this piece +of property. It would be a good time to buy it now. Also a good time to +sell. I shall add nothing because it has been associated with me. That +will cut no figure, for it has not been associated with me so very long, +or so very intimately.</p> + +<p>The place, with advertising and the free use of capital, could be made a +beautiful rural resort, or it could be fenced off tastefully into a +cheap commodious place in which to store bears for market.</p> + +<p>But it has grown. It is wider, it seems to me, and there is less to +obstruct the view. As soon as commutation or dining trains<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> are put on +between Minneapolis and Sitka, a good many pupils will live on my +property and go to school at Sitka.</p> + +<p>Trade is quiet in that quarter at present, however, and traffic is +practically at a standstill. A good many people have written to me +asking about my subdivision and how various branches of industry would +thrive there. Having in an unguarded moment used the stamps, I hasten to +say that they would be premature in going there now, unless in pursuit +of rabbits, which are extremely prevalent.</p> + +<p>Trade is very dull, and a first or even a second national bank in my +subdivision of the United States would find itself practically out of a +job. A good newspaper, if properly conducted, could have some fun and +get a good many advertisements by swopping kind words at regular +catalogue prices for goods. But a theater would not pay. I write this +for the use of a man who has just written to know if a good opera-house +with folding seats would pay a fair investment on capital. No, it would +not. I will be fair and honest. Smart<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span>ing as I do yet under the cruel +injustice done me by the meek and gentle groceryman, who, while he wept +upon my corrugated bosom with one hand, softly removed my pelt with the +other and sprinkled Chili sauce all over me, I will not betray my own +friends. Even with my still bleeding carcass quivering under the Halford +sauce of Mr. Pansley, the "skin" and hypocrite, the friend of the +far-distant savage and the foe of those who are his unfortunate +neighbors, I will not betray even a stranger. Though I have used his +postage-stamp I shall not be false to him. An opera-house this fall +would be premature. Most everybody's dates are booked, anyhow. We could +not get Francis Wilson or Nat C. Goodwin or Lillian Russell or Henry +Irving or Mr. Jefferson, for they are all too busy turning people away, +and I would hate to open with James Owen O'Connor or any other +mechanical appliance.</p> + +<p>No. Wait another year at least. At present an opera-house in my +subdivision of the solar system would be as useless as a Dull Thud in +the state of New York.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> + +<p>One drawback to the immediate prosperity of the place is that +commutation rates are yet in their infancy. Eighty-seven and one-half +cents per ride on trains which run only on Tuesdays and Fridays is not +sufficient compensation for the long and lonely walk and the paucity of +some suitable cottages when one gets there.</p> + +<p>So I will sell the dear old place, with all its associations and the +good-will of a thriving young frog conservatory, at the buyer's price. +As I say, there has been since I was last there a steady growth, which +is mostly noticeable on the mortgage that I secured along with the +property. It was on there when I bought it, and as it could not be +removed without injury to the realty, according to an old and +established law of Justinian or Coke or Littleton, Mr. Pansley ruled +that it was part of the property and passed with its conveyance. It is +looking well, with a nice growth of interest around the edges and its +foreclosure clause fully an inch and a half long.</p> + +<p>I shall be willing, in case I do not find a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> cash buyer, to exchange the +property for almost anything I can eat, except Paris green. Nor should I +hesitate to swap the whole thing, to a man whom I +felt that I could respect, for a good bird dog. I am also willing to +trade the lots for a milk route or a cold storage. It would be a good +site for some gentleman in New York to build a country cottage.</p> + +<p>I should also swap the estate to a man who really means business for a +second-hand cellar. Call on or address the undersigned early, and please +do not push or rudely jostle those in the line ahead of you.</p> + +<p>Cast-off clothing, express prepaid, and free from all contagious +diseases, accepted at its full value. Anything left by mistake in the +pockets will be taken good care of, and, possibly, returned in the +spring.</p> + +<p>Gunnysack Oleson, who lives eight miles north of the county line, will +show you over the grounds. Please do not hitch horses to the trees. I +will not be responsible for horses injured while tied to my trees.</p> + +<p>A new railroad track is thinking of getting a right of way next year, +which may be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> nearer by two miles than the one that I have to take, +provided they will let me off at the right place.</p> + +<p>I promise to do all that I can conscientiously for the road, to aid any +one who may buy the property, and I will call the attention of all +railroads to the advisability of a road in that direction. All that I +can honorably do, I will do. My honor is as dear to me as my gas bill +every year I live.</p> + +<p>N. B.—The dead horse on lot 9, block 21, Nye's Addition to the Solar +System, is not mine. Mine died before I got there.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_SINGULAR_HAMLET" id="A_SINGULAR_HAMLET"></a>A SINGULAR "HAMLET"</h2> + +<h3>IX</h3> + + +<p>The closing debut of that great Shakespearian humorist and emotional +ass, Mr. James Owen O'Connor, at the Star Theater, will never be +forgotten. During his extraordinary histrionic career he gave his +individual and amazing renditions of Hamlet, Phidias, Shylock, Othello, +and Richelieu. I think I liked his Hamlet best, and yet it was a +pleasure to see him in anything wherein he killed himself.</p> + +<p>Encouraged by the success of beautiful but self-made actresses, and +hoping to win a place for himself and his portrait in the great soap and +cigarette galaxy, Mr. O'Connor placed himself in the hands of some +misguided elocutionist, and then sought to educate the people of New +York and elocute them out of their thralldom up into the glo<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>rious light +of the O'Connor school of acting.</p> + +<p>The first week he was in the hands of the critics, and they spoke quite +serenely of his methods. Later, it was deemed best to place his merits +in the hands of a man who would be on an equal footing with him. What +O'Connor wanted was one of his peers, who would therefore judge him +fairly. I was selected because I know nothing whatever about acting and +would thus be on an equality with Mr. O'Connor.</p> + +<p>After seeing his Hamlet I was of the opinion that he did wisely in +choosing New York for debutting purposes, for had he chosen Denver, +Colorado, at the end of the third act kind hands would have removed him +from the stage by means of benzine and a rag.</p> + +<p>I understand that Mr. O'Connor charged Messrs. Henry E. Abbey and Henry +Irving with using their influence among the masses in order to prejudice +said masses against Mr. O'Connor, thus making it unpleasant for him to +act, and inciting in the audience a feeling of gentle but evident +hostility, which Mr.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> O'Connor deprecated very much whenever he could +get a chance to do so. I looked into this matter a little and I do not +think it was true. Until almost the end of Mr. O'Connor's career, +Messrs. Abbey and Irving were not aware of his great metropolitan +success, and it is generally believed among the friends of the two +former gentlemen that they did not feel it so keenly as Mr. O'Connor was +led to suppose.</p> + +<p>But James Owen O'Connor did one thing which I take the liberty of +publicly alluding to. He took that saddest and most melancholy bit of +bloody history, trimmed with assassinations down the back and looped up +with remorse, insanity, duplicity and unrequited love, and he filled it +with silvery laughter and cauliflower and mirth, and various other +groceries which the audience throw in from time to time, thus making it +more of a spectacular piece than under the conservative management of +such old-school men as Booth, who seem to think that Hamlet should be +soaked full of sadness.</p> + +<p>I went to see Hamlet, thinking that I would<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> be welcome, for my +sympathies were with James when I heard that Mr. Irving was picking on +him and seeking to injure him. I went to the box office and explained +who I was, and stated that I had been detailed to come and see Mr. +O'Connor act; also that in what I might say afterwards my instructions +were to give it to Abbey and Irving if I found that they had tampered +with the audience in any way.</p> + +<p>The man in the box office did not recognize me, but said that Mr. Fox +would extend to me the usual courtesies. I asked where Mr. Fox could be +found, and he said inside. I then started to go inside, but ran against +a total stranger, who was "on the door," as we say. He was feeding red +and yellow tickets into a large tin oven, and looking far, far away. I +conversed with him in low, passionate tones, and asked him where Mr. Fox +could be found. He did not know, but thought he was still in Europe. I +went back and told the box office that Mr. Fox was in Europe. He said +No, I would find him inside. "Well, but how shall I get inside?" I asked +eagerly, for I could al<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>ready, I fancied, hear the orchestra beginning +to twang its lyre.</p> + +<p>"Walk in," said he, taking in $2 and giving back 50 cents in change to a +man with a dead cat in his overcoat pocket.</p> + +<p>I went back, and springing lightly over the iron railing while the +gatekeeper was thinking over his glorious past, I went all around over +the theater looking for Mr. Fox. I found him haggling over the price of +some vegetables which he was selling at the stage door and which had +been contributed by admirers and old subscribers to Mr. O'Connor at a +previous performance.</p> + +<p>When Mr. Fox got through with that I presented to him my card, which is +as good a piece of job work in colors as was ever done west of the +Missouri river, and to which I frequently point with pride.</p> + +<p>Mr. Fox said he was sorry, but that Mr. O'Connor had instructed him to +extend no courtesies whatever to the press. The press, he claimed, had +said something derogatory to Mr. O'Connor as a tragedian, and while he +personally would be tickled to death to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> give me two divans and a +folding-bed near the large fiddle, he must do as Mr. O'Connor had +bid—or bade him, I forget which; and so, restraining his tears with +great difficulty, he sent me back to the entrance and although I was +already admitted in a general way, I went to the box office and +purchased a seat. I believe now that Mr. Fox thought he had virtually +excluded me from the house when he told me I should have to pay in order +to get in.</p> + +<p>I bought a seat in the parquet and went in. The audience was not large +and there were not more than a dozen ladies present.</p> + +<p>Pretty soon the orchestra began to ooze in through a little opening +under the stage. Then the overture was given. It was called "Egmont." +The curtain now arose on a scene in Denmark. I had asked an usher to +take a note to Mr. O'Connor requesting an audience, but the boy had +returned with the statement that Mr. O'Connor was busy rehearsing his +soliloquy and removing a shirred egg from his outer clothing.</p> + +<p>He also said he could not promise an au<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>dience to any one. It was all he +could do to get one for himself.</p> + +<p>So the play went on. Elsinore, where the first act takes place, is in +front of a large stone water tank, where two gentlemen armed with +long-handled hay knives are on guard.</p> + +<p>All at once a ghost who walks with an overstrung Chickering action and +stiff, jerky, Waterbury movement, comes in, wearing a dark mosquito net +over his head—so that harsh critics can not truly say there are any +flies on him, I presume. When the ghost enters most every one enjoys it. +Nobody seems to be frightened at all. I knew it was not a ghost as quick +as I looked at it. One man in the gallery hit the ghost on the head with +a soda cracker, which made him jump and feel of his ear; so I knew then +that it was only a man made up to look like a presence.</p> + +<p>One of the guards, whose name, I think, was Smith, had a droop to his +legs and an instability about the knees which were highly enjoyable. He +walked like a frozen-toed hen, and stood first on one foot and then on +the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> other, with almost human intelligence. His support was about as +poor as O'Connor's.</p> + +<p>After awhile the ghost vanished with what is called a stately tread, but +I would regard it more as a territorial tread. Horatio did quite well, +and the audience frequently listened to him. Still, he was about the +only one who did not receive crackers or cheese as a slight testimonial +of regard from admirers in the audience.</p> + +<p>Finally, Mr. James Owen O'Connor entered. It was fully five minutes +before he could be heard, and even then he could not. His mouth moved +now and then, and a gesture would suddenly burst forth, but I did not +hear what he said. At least I could not hear distinctly what he said. +After awhile, as people got tired and went away, I could hear better.</p> + +<p>Mr. O'Connor introduced into his Hamlet a set of gestures evidently +intended for another play. People who are going to act out on the stage +can not be too careful in getting a good assortment of gestures that +will fit the play itself. James had provided himself with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> a set of +gestures which might do for Little Eva, or "Ten Nights in a Bar-room," +but they did not fit Hamlet. There is where he makes a mistake. Hamlet +is a man whose victuals don't agree with him. He feels depressed and +talks about sticking a bodkin into himself, but Mr. O'Connor gives him a +light, elastic step, and an air of persiflage, <i>bonhomie</i>, and frisk, +which do not match the character.</p> + +<p>Mr. O'Connor sought in his conception and interpretation of Hamlet to +give it a free and jaunty Kokomo flavor—a nameless twang of tansy and +dried apples, which Shakespeare himself failed to sock into his great +drama.</p> + +<p>James did this, and more. He took the wild-eyed and morbid Blackwell's +Island Hamlet, and made him a $2 parlor humorist who could be the life +of the party, or give lessons in elocution, and take applause or +crackers and cheese in return for the same.</p> + +<p>There is really a good lesson to be learned from the pitiful and +pathetic tale of James Owen O'Connor. Injudicious friends, doubtless, +overestimated his value, and unduly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> praised his Smart Aleckutionary +powers. Loving himself unwisely but too extensively, he was led away +into the great, untried purgatory of public scrutiny, and the general +indictment followed.</p> + +<p>The truth stands out brighter and stronger than ever that there is no +cut across lots to fame or success. He who seeks to jump from mediocrity +to a glittering triumph over the heads of the patient student, and the +earnest, industrious candidate who is willing to bide his time, gets +what James Owen O'Connor received—the just condemnation of those who +are abundantly able to judge.</p> + +<p>In seeking to combine the melancholy beauty of Hamlet's deep and earnest +pathos with the gentle humor of "A Hole in the Ground," Mr. O'Connor +evidently corked himself, as we say at the Browning Club, and it was but +justice after all. Before we curse the condemnation of the people and +the press, let us carefully and prayerfully look ourselves over, and see +if we have not overestimated ourselves.</p> + +<p>There are many men alive to-day who do<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> not dare say anything without +first thinking how it will read in their memoirs—men whom we can not, +therefore, thoroughly enjoy until they are dead, and yet whose graves +will be kept green only so long as the appropriation lasts.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="MY_MATRIMONIAL_BUREAU" id="MY_MATRIMONIAL_BUREAU"></a>MY MATRIMONIAL BUREAU</h2> + +<h3>X</h3> + + +<p>The following matrimonial inquiries are now in my hands awaiting +replies, and I take this method of giving them more air. A few months +ago I injudiciously stated that I should take great pleasure in booming, +or otherwise whooping up, everything in the matrimonial line, if those +who needed aid would send me twenty-five cents, with personal +description, lock of hair, and general outline of the style of husband +or wife they were yearning for. As a result of thus yielding to a blind +impulse and giving it currency through the daily press, I now have a +huge mass of more or less soiled postage stamps that look as though they +had made a bicycle tour around the world, a haymow full of letters +breathing love till you can't rest, and a barrel of calico-colored hair. +It is a rare treat to look at this assortment of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> hair of every hue and +degree of curl and coarseness. When I pour it out on the floor it looks +like the interior of a western barber shop during a state fair. When I +want fun again I shall not undertake to obtain it by starting a +matrimonial agency.</p> + +<p>I have one letter from a man of twenty-seven summers, who pants to +bestow himself on some one at as early a date as possible. He tells me +on a separate slip of paper, which he wishes destroyed, that he is a +little given to "bowling up," a term with which I am not familiar, but +he goes on to say that a good, noble woman, with love in her heart and +an earnest desire to save a soul, could rush in and gather him in in +good shape. He says that he is worthy, and that if he could be snatched +from a drunkard's grave in time he believes he would become eminent. He +says that several people have already been overheard to say: "What a +pity he drinks." From this he is led to believe that a good wife, with +some means, could redeem him. He says it is quite a common thing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> for +young women where he lives to marry young men for the purpose of saving +them.</p> + +<p>I think myself that some young girl ought to come forward and snatch +this brand at an early date.</p> + +<p>The great trouble with men who form the bowl habit is that, on the +morrow, after they have been so bowling, they awake with a distinct and +well-defined sensation of soreness and swollenness about the head, +accompanied by a strong desire to hit some living thing with a stove +leg. The married man can always turn to his wife in such an emergency, +smite her and then go to sleep again, but to one who is doomed to wander +alone through life there is nothing to do but to suffer on, or go out +and strike some one who does not belong to his family, and so lay +himself liable to arrest.</p> + +<p>This letter is accompanied by a tin-type picture of a young man who +shaves in such a way as to work in a streak of whiskers by which he +fools himself into the notion that he has a long and luxuriant mustache. +He looks like a person who, under the in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span>fluence of liquor, would weep +on the bosom of a total stranger and then knock his wife down because +she split her foot open instead of splitting the kindling.</p> + +<p>He is not a bad-looking man, and the freckles on his hands do not hurt +him as a husband. Any young lady who would like to save him from a +drunkard's grave can address him in my care, inclosing twenty-five +cents, a small sum which goes toward a little memorial fund I am getting +up for myself. My memory has always been very poor, and if I can do it +any good with this fund I shall do so. The lock of hair sent with this +letter may be seen at any time nailed up on my woodshed door. It is a +dull red color, and can be readily cut by means of a pair of tinman's +shears.</p> + +<p>The two following letters, taken at random from my files, explain +themselves:</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="author"> +"<span class="smcap">Burnt Prairie, near the Junction</span>,<br /> +"<span class="smcap">On the road to the Court House</span>,<br /> +"<span class="smcap">Tennessee</span>, January 2.<br /> +</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—I am in search of a wife and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> would be willing to settle +down if I could get a good wife. I was but twenty-six years of age +when my mother died and I miss her sadly for she was oh so good and +kind to me her caring son.</p> + +<p>"I have been wanting for the past year to settle down, but I have +not saw a girl that I thought would make me a good, true wife. I +know I have saw a good deal of the world, and am inclined to be +cynical for I see how hollow everything is, and how much need there +is for a great reform. Sometimes I think that if I could express +the wild thoughts that surges up and down in my system, I could win +a deathless name. When I get two or three drinks aboard I can think +of things faster than I can speak them, or draw them off for the +paper. What I want is a woman that can economize, and also take the +place of my lost mother, who loved me and put a better polish on my +boots than any other living man.</p> + +<p>"I know I am gay and giddy in my nature, but if I could meet a +joyous young girl just emerging upon life's glad morn, and she had +means, I would be willing to settle down and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> make a good, quiet, +every-day husband.</p> + +<p class="author"> +"A. J."<br /> +</p></blockquote> + +<blockquote><p class="author">"<span class="smcap">Ashmead, LeDuc Co., I.T.</span>,<br /> +"December 20.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—I have very little time in which to pencil off a few +lines regarding a wife. I am a man of business, and I can't fool +around much, but I would be willing to marry the right kind of a +young woman. I am just bursting forth on the glorious dawn of my +sixty-third year. I have been married before, and as I might almost +say, I have been in that line man and boy for over forty years. My +pathway has been literally decorated with wives ever since I was +twenty years old.</p> + +<p>"I ain't had any luck with my wives heretofore, for they have died +off like sheep. I've treated all of them as well as I knew how, +never asking of them to do any more than I did, and giving of 'em +just the same kind of vittles that I had myself, but they are all +gone now. There was a year or two that seemed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> just as if there was +a funeral procession stringing out of my front gate half the time.</p> + +<p>"What I want is a young woman that can darn a sock without working +two or three tumors into it, cook in a plain economical way without +pampering the appetites of hired help, do chores around the barn +and assist me in accumulating property.</p> + +<p class="author"> +I. D. P."<br /> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This last letter contains a small tress of dark hair that feels like a +bunch of barbed wire when drawn through the fingers, and has a tendency +to "crock."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_HATEFUL_HEN" id="THE_HATEFUL_HEN"></a>THE HATEFUL HEN</h2> + +<h3>XI</h3> + + +<p>The following inquiries and replies have been awaiting publication and I +shall print them here if the reader has no objections. I do not care to +keep correspondents waiting too long for fear they will get tired and +fail to write me in the future when they want to know anything. Mr. +Earnest Pendergast writes from Puyallup as follows:</p> + +<p>"Why do you not try to improve your appearance more? I think you could +if you would, and we would all be so glad. You either have a very +malicious artist, or else your features must pain you a good deal at +times. Why don't you grow a mustache?"</p> + +<p>These remarks, of course, are a little bit personal, Earnest, but still +they show your goodness of heart. I fear that you are cursed with the +fatal gift of beauty yourself and wish<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> to have others go with you on +the downward way. You ask why I do not grow a mustache, and I tell you +frankly that it is for the public good that I do not. I used to wear a +long, drooping and beautiful mustache, which was well received in +society, and, under the quiet stars and opportune circumstances, gave +good satisfaction; but at last the hour came when I felt that I must +decide between this long, silky mustache and soft-boiled eggs, of which +I am passionately fond. I hope that you understand my position, Earnest, +and that I am studying the public welfare more than my own at all times.</p> + +<p>Sassafras Oleson, of South Deadman, writes to know something of the care +of fowls in the spring and summer. "Do you know," he asks, "anything of +the best methods for feeding young orphan chickens? Is there any way to +prevent hens from stealing their nests and sitting on inanimate objects? +Tell us as tersely as possible what your own experience has been with +hens."</p> + +<p>To speak tersely of the hen and her mission in life seems to me almost +sacrilege. It<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> is at least in poor taste. The hen and her works lie near +to every true heart. She does much toward making us better, and she +doesn't care who knows it, either. Young chicks who have lost their +mothers by death, and whose fathers are of a shiftless and improvident +nature, may be fed on kumiss, two parts; moxie, eight parts; distilled +water, ten parts. Mix and administer till relief is obtained. Sometimes, +however, a guinea hen will provide for the young chicken, and many lives +have been saved in this way. Whether or not this plan will influence the +voice of the rising hen is a question among henologists of the country +which I shall not attempt to answer.</p> + +<p>Hens who steal their nests are generally of a secretive nature and are +more or less social pariahs. A hen who will do this should be watched at +all times and won back by kind words from the step she is about to take. +Brute force will accomplish little. Logic also does not avail. You +should endeavor to influence her by showing her that it is honorable at +all times to lay a good egg, and that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> as soon as she begins to be +secretive and to seek to mislead those who know and love her, she takes +a course which can not end with honor to herself or her descendants.</p> + +<p>I have made the hen a study for many years, and love to watch her even +yet as she resumes her toils on a falling market year after year, or +seeks to hatch out a summer hotel by setting on a door knob. She +interests and pleases me. Careful study of the hen convinces me that her +low, retreating forehead is a true index to her limited reasoning +faculties and lack of memory, ideality, imagination, calculation and +spirituality. She is also deficient in her enjoyment of humor.</p> + +<p>I once owned a large white draught rooster, who stood about seven hands +high, and had feet on him that would readily break down a whole +corn-field if he walked through it. Yet he lacked the courage of his +convictions, and socially was not a success. Leading hens regarded him +as a good-hearted rooster, and seemed to wonder that he did not get on +better in a social way. He had a rich baritone<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> voice, and was a good +provider, digging up large areas of garden, and giving the hens what was +left after he got through, and yet they gave their smiles to far more +dissolute though perhaps brighter minds. So I took him away awhile, and +let him see something of the world by allowing him to visit among the +neighbors, and go into society a little. Then I brought him home again, +and one night colored him with diamond dyes so that he was a beautiful +scarlet. His name was Sumner.</p> + +<p>I took Sumner the following morning and turned him loose among his old +neighbors. Surprise was written on every face. He realized his +advantage, and the first thing he did was to greet the astonished crowd +with a gutteral remark, which made them jump. He then stepped over to a +hated rival, and ate off about fifteen cents' worth of his large, red, +pompadour comb. He now remarked in a courteous way to a small +Poland-China hen, who seemed to be at the head of all works of social +improvement, that we were having rather a backward spring. Then he +picked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> out the eye of another rival, much to his surprise, and went on +with the conversation. By noon the bright scarlet rooster owned the +town. Those who had picked on him before had now gone to the hospital, +and practically the social world was his. He got so stuck up that he +crowed whenever the conversation lagged, and was too proud to eat a worm +that was not right off the ice. I never saw prosperity knock the sense +out of a rooster so soon. He lost my sympathy at once, and I resolved to +let him carve out his own career as best he might.</p> + +<p>Gradually his tail feathers grew gray and faded, but he wore his head +high. He was arrogant and made the hens go worming for his breakfast by +daylight. Then he would get mad at the food and be real hateful and step +on the little chickens with his great big feet.</p> + +<p>But as his new feathers began to come in folks got on to him, as Matthew +Arnold has it, and the other roosters began to brighten up and also blow +up their biceps muscles.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 413px;"> +<a name="illus105" id="illus105"></a> +<img src="images/i122.jpg" width="413" height="550" alt="He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should +say, "Have you got any more of that there red paint left?" (Page 105)" title="" /> +<span class="caption">He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should +say, "Have you got any more of that there red paint left?" (Page 105)</span> +</div> + +<p>One day he was especially mean at break<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>fast. A large fat worm, brought +to him by the flower of his harem, had a slight gamey flavor, he seemed +to think, and so he got mad and bit several chickens with his great +coarse beak and stepped on some more and made a perfect show of himself.</p> + +<p>At this moment a small bantam wearing one eye still in mourning danced +up and kicked Sumner's eye out. Then another rival knocked the stuffing +for a whole sofa pillow out of Sumner, and retired. By this time the +surprised and gratified hens stepped back and gave the boys a chance. +The bantam now put on his trim little telegraph climbers and, going up +Mr. Sumner's powerful frame at about four jumps, he put in some repairs +on the giant's features, presented his bill, and returned. By nine +o'clock Sumner didn't have features enough left for a Sunday paper. He +looked as if he had been through the elevated station at City Hall and +Brooklyn bridge. He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should +say, "Have you got any more of that there red paint left?" But I shook +my head at him and he went<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> away into a little patch of catnip and +stayed there four days. After that you could get that rooster to do +anything for you—except lay. He was gentle to a fault. He would run +errands for those hens and turn an icecream freezer for them all day +on lawn festival days while others were gay. He never murmured nor +repined. He was kind to the little chickens and often spoke to them +about the general advantages of humility.</p> + +<p>After many years of usefulness Sumner one day thoughtlessly ate the +remains of a salt mackerel, and pulling the drapery of his couch about +him he lay down to pleasant dreams, and life's fitful fever was over. +His remains were given to a poor family in whom I take a great interest, +frequently giving them many things for which I have no especial use.</p> + +<p>This should teach us that some people can not stand prosperity, but need +a little sorrow, ever and anon, to teach them where they belong. And, +oh! how the great world smiles when a rooster, who has owned the ranch +for a year or so, and made himself odious, gets<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> spread out over the +United States by a smaller one with less voice.</p> + +<p>The study of the fowl is filled with interest. Of late years I keep +fowls instead of a garden. Formerly my neighbors kept fowls and I kept +the garden.</p> + +<p>It is better as it is.</p> + +<p>Mertie Kersykes, Whatcom, Washington, writes as follows: "Dear Mr. Nye, +does pugilists ever reform? They are so much brought into Contax with +course natures that I do not see how they can ever, ever become good +lives or become professors of religion. Do you know if such is the case +to the best of your knowledge, and answeer Soon as convenient, and so no +more at Present."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="AS_A_CANDIDATE" id="AS_A_CANDIDATE"></a>AS A CANDIDATE</h2> + +<h3>XII</h3> + + +<p>The heat and venom of each political campaign bring back to my mind with +wonderful clearness the bitter and acrimonious war, and the savage +factional fight, which characterized my own legislative candidacy in +what was called the Prairie Dog District of Wyoming, about ten years +ago. This district was known far and wide as the battleground of the +territory, and generally when the sun went down on the eve of election +day the ground had that disheveled and torn-up appearance peculiar to +the grave of Brigham Young the next day after his aggregated widow has +held her regular annual sob recital and scalding-tear festival.</p> + +<p>I hesitated about accepting the nomination because I knew that +Vituperation would get up on its hind feet and annoy me greatly,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> and I +had reason to believe that no pains would be spared on the part of the +management of the opposition to make my existence a perfect bore. This +turned out to be the case, and although I was nominated in a way that +seemed to indicate perfect harmony, it was not a week before the +opposition organ, to which I had frequently loaned print paper when it +could not get its own C. O. D. paper out of the express office, said as +follows in a startled and double-leaded tone of voice:</p> + + +<h4>"HUMILIATING DISCLOSURE.</h4> + +<blockquote><p>"The candidate for assembly in this district, whose trans-Missouri +name seems to be Nye, turns out to be the same man who left +Penobscot county, Maine, in the dark of the moon four years ago. +Mr. Nye's disappearance was so mysterious that prominent +Penobscoters, especially the sheriff, offered a large reward for +his person. It was afterwards learned that he was kidnapped +and taken across the Canadian line by a high-<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>spirited +and high-stepping horse valued at $1,300. Mr. Nye's candidacy for +the high office to which he aspires has brought him into such +prominence that at the mass meeting held last evening in Jimmy +Avery's barber-shop, he was recognized at once by a Maine man while +making a telling speech in favor of putting in a stone culvert at +the draw above Mandel's ranch. The man from Maine, who is visiting +our thriving little town with a view to locating here and +establishing an agency for his world-renowned rock-alum axe-helves, +says that Mr. Nye, in the hurry and rush incident to his departure +for Canada, overlooked his wife and seven little ones. He also says +that the candidate's boasted liberality here is different from the +kind he was using while in Maine, and quotes the following +incident: Two years before he went away from Penobscot county, one +of our present candidate's children was playing on the railroad +track of the Bangor & Moosehead Lake Railroad, when suddenly there +was a wild shriek of the iron-horse, a timid, scared cry of the +child, and the rushing train was upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> it. Spectators turned away +in horror. The air was heavy, and the sun seemed to stop its +shining. Slowly the long freight train, loaded with its rich +freight of huckleberries, came to a halt. A glad cry went up from +the assembly as the broad-shouldered engineer came out of the tall +grass with the crowing child in his arms. Then cheer on cheer rent +the air, and in the midst of it all, Mr. Nye appeared. He was told +of the circumstance, and, as he wrung the hand of the engineer, +tears stood in his eyes. Then, reaching in his pocket, he drew +forth a card, and writing his autograph on it, he gave it to the +astounded engineer, telling him to use it wisely and not fritter it +away. 'But are you not robbing yourself?' exclaimed the astonished +and delighted engineer. 'No, oh no,' said the munificent parent, 'I +have others left.' And this is the man who asks our suffrages! Will +you vote for him or for Alick Meyerdinger, the purest one-legged +man that ever rapped with his honest knuckles on top of a bar and +asked the boys to put a name to it."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p></blockquote> + +<p>I was pained to read this, for I had not at that time toyed much with +politics, but I went up stairs and practiced an hour or two on a hollow +laugh that I thought would hide the pain which seemed to tug at my +heart-strings. For the rest of the day I strolled about town bearing a +lurid campaign smile that looked about as joyous as the light-hearted +gambols of a tin horse.</p> + +<p>I visited my groceryman, a man whom I felt that I could trust, and who +had honored me in the same way. He said that I ought to be indorsed by +my fellow-citizens. "What! All of them?" I exclaimed, with a choking +sensation, for I had once tried to be indorsed by one of my +fellow-citizens and was not entirely successful. "No," said he, "but you +ought to be ratified and indorsed by those who know you best and love +you most."</p> + +<p>"Well," said I, "will you attend to that?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, of course I will. You must not give up hope. Where do you buy your +meat?"</p> + +<p>I told him the name of my butcher.</p> + +<p>"And do you owe him about the same that you do me?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> + +<p>I said I didn't think there could be $5 one way or the other.</p> + +<p>"Well, give me a memorandum of what you can call to mind that you owe +around town. I will see all these parties and we will get them together +and work up a strong and hearty home indorsement for you, which will +enable you to settle with all of us at par in the event of your +election."</p> + +<p>I gave him a list.</p> + +<p>That evening a load of lumber was deposited on my lawn, and a man came +in to borrow a few pounds of fence nails. I asked him what he wanted to +do, for I thought he was going to nail a campaign lie or something. He +said he was the man who was sent up to build a kind of "trussle" in +front of my house. "What for?" I asked, with eyes like a startled fawn. +"Why, for the speakers to stand on," he said. "It is a kind of a +combination racket. Something between a home indorsement and a +mass-meeting of creditors. You are to be surprised and gratified +to-morrow evening, as near as I can make out."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> + +<p>He then built a wobbly scaffold, one end of which was nailed to the bay +window of the house.</p> + +<p>The next evening my heart swelled when I heard a campaign band coming up +the street, trying to see how little it could play and still draw its +salary. The band was followed by men with torches, and speakers in +carriages. A messenger was sent into the house to tell me that I was +about to be waited upon by my old friends and neighbors, who desired to +deliver to me their hearty indorsement, and a large willow-covered +two-gallon godspeed as a mark of esteem.</p> + + +<p>The spokesman, as soon as I had stepped out on my veranda, mounted the +improvised platform previously erected, and after a short and +debilitated solo and chorus by the band, said as follows, as near as I +can now recall his words:</p> + +<p>"<i>Mr. Nye</i>—</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>: We have read with pain the open and venomous attacks of the foul +and putrid press of our town, and come here to-night to vindicate by our +presence your utter inno<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>cence <i>as</i> a man, <i>as</i> a fellow-citizen, <i>as</i> +a neighbor, <i>as</i> a father, mother, brother or sister.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 404px;"> +<a name="illus115" id="illus115"></a> +<img src="images/i133.jpg" width="404" height="550" alt=""Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I +thank God that you are POOR!!!"" title="" /> +<span class="caption">"Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I +thank God that you are POOR!!!" (Page 115)</span> +</div> + +<p>"No one could look down into your open face, and deep, earnest lungs, +and then doubt you <i>as</i> a man, <i>as</i> a fellow-citizen, <i>as</i> a neighbor, +<i>as</i> a father, mother, brother or sister. You came to us a poor man, and +staked your all on the growth of this town. We like you because you are +still poor. You can not be too poor to suit us. It shows that you are +not corrupt.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I thank God that +you are POOR!!!"</p> + +<p>He then drew from his pocket a little memorandum, and, holding it up to +a torch, so that he could see it better, said that Mr. Limberquid would +emit a few desultory remarks.</p> + +<p>Mr. Limberquid, to whom I was at that time indebted for past favors in +the meat line, or, as you may say, the tenderloin, through no fault of +mine, then arose and said, in words and figures as follows, to wit:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>: I desire to say that we who know Mr. Nye best are here to say that +he certainly has one of the most charming wives in this territory. What +do we care for the vilifications of the press—a press, hired, venial, +corrupt, reeking in filth and oozy with the slime of its own impaired +circulation, snapping at the heels of its superiors, and steeped in the +reeking poison and pollution of its own shopworn and unmarketable +opinions?</p> + +<p>"We do not care a cuss! (Applause.) What do we care that homely men +grudge our candidate his symmetry of form and graceful upholstered +carriage? What do we care that calumny crawls out of its hole, +calumniates him a couple of times and then goes back? We are here +to-night to show by our presence that we like Mrs. Nye very much. She is +a good cook, and she would certainly do honor to this district as a +social leader, in case she should go to Cheyenne as the wife of our +assemblyman. I propose three cheers for her, fellow-citizens." +(Applause, cheers and throbs of base-drum.)</p> + +<p>Mr. Sherrod then said:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Feller-Citizens</span>: We glory in the fact that Whatshisname—Nye here, is +pore. We like him for the poverty he has made. Our idee in runnin' of +him fer the legislater, as I take it, is to not only run him along in +this here kind of hand-to-mouth poverty, but to kind of give him a +chance to accumulate poverty, and have some saved up fer a rainy day.</p> + +<p>"I kin call to mind how he looked when he come to this territory a pore +boy, and took off his coat and went right to work dealin' faro nights, +and earning his bread by the sweat of a sweat-board daytimes, for Tom +Dillon, acrost from the express office. And I say he is not a clost man. +He gives his money where folks don't git on to it. He don't git out the +band when he goes to do a kind act, but kind of sneaks around to people +who are in need, and offers to match 'em fer the cigars.</p> + +<p>"He's a feller of generous impulses, gentlemen, or at least I so regard +him, and I say here to-night, that if his other vitals was as big and +warm as his heart, he would live<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> to deckorate the graves of nations yet +unborn."</p> + +<p>Several people wept here, and wiped their eyes on their alabaster hands. +I then sent my maid around through the audience with a bucketful of Salt +Lake cider, and a dishpan full of doughnuts, to restore good feeling. +But I can not soon forget how proud I was when I felt the hot tears and +doughnut crumbs of my fellow-citizens raining down my back.</p> + +<p>The band then played, "See the Conquering Hero Comes," and yielding to +the pressing demands of the populi, I made a few irrelevant, but low, +passionate remarks, as follows:</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Fellow-Citizens and Members of the Band</span>—We are not here, as I +understand it, solely to tickle our palates with the twisted doughnuts +of our pampered and sin-cursed civilization, but to unite and give our +pledges once more to the support of the best men. In this teacup of +foaming and impervious cider from the Valley of the Jordan I drink to +the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> success of the best men. Fellow-citizens and members of the band, +we owe our fealty to the old party. Let us cling to the old party as +long as there is any juice in it and vote for its candidates. Let us +give our suffrages to men of advanced thought who are loyal to their +party but poor. Gentlemen, I am what would be called a poor but brainy +man. When I am not otherwise engaged you will always find me engaged in +thought. I love the excitement of following an idea and chasing it up a +tree. It is a great pleasure for me to pursue the red-hot trail of a +thought or the intellectual spoor of an idea. But I do not allow this +habit to interfere with politics. Politics and thought are radically +different. Why should man think himself weak on these political matters +when there are men who have made it their business and life study to do +the thinking for the masses?</p> + +<p>"This is my platform. I believe that a candidate should be poor; that he +should be a thinker on other matters, but leave political matters and +nominations to professional political ganglia and molders of primaries<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> +who have given their lives and the inner coating of their stomachs to +the advancement of political methods by which the old, cumbersome and +dangerous custom of defending our institutions with drawn swords may be +superseded by the modern and more attractive method of doing so with +overdrawn salaries.</p> + +<p>"Fellow-citizens and members of the band, in closing let me say that you +have seen me placed in the trying position of postmaster for the past +year. For that length of time I have stood between you and the +government at Washington. I have assisted in upholding the strong arm of +the government, and yet I have not allowed it to crush you. No man here +to-night can say that I have ever, by word or deed, revealed outside the +office the contents of a postal card addressed to a member of my own +party or held back or obstructed the progress of new and startling seeds +sent by our representative from the Agricultural Department. I am in +favor of a full and free interchange of interstate red-eyed and pale +beans, and I favor the early advancement and earnest recognition of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> +merits of the highly offensive partisan. I thank you, neighbors and band +(husky and pianissimo), for this gratifying little demonstration. Words +seem empty and unavailing at this time. Will you not accept the +hospitality of my home? Neighbors, you are welcome to these halls. Come +in and look at the family album."</p> + +<p>The meeting then became informal, and the chairman asked me as he came +down from his perch how I would be fixed by the first of the month. I +told him that I could not say, but hoped that money matters would show +less apathy by that time.</p> + +<p>I have already taken up too much space, however, in this simple recital, +and I have only room to say that I was not elected, and that of the +seventy-five who came up to indorse me and then go home exhilarated by +my cheering doughnuts, forty voted for the other man, thereby electing +him by a plurality of everybody. Home indorsement, hard-boiled eggs and +hot tears of reconciliation can never fool me again. They are as empty +as the bass drum by which they are invari<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>ably accompanied. A few years +ago a majority of the voters of a newly-fledged city in Wisconsin signed +a petition asking a gentleman named Bradshaw to run for the office of +mayor. He said he did not want it, but if a majority had signified in +writing that they needed him every hour, he would allow his name to be +used. They then turned in and defeated him by a handsome majority, thus +showing that the average patriotism of the present day has a string to +it.</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who was the first to make the claim</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That I would surely win the game,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But now that Dennis is my name?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">The Patriot.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who stated that my chance was best,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And came and wept upon my breast,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Only to knock me galley West?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">The Patriot.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who told me of the joy he felt,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">While he upon my merits dwelt?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who then turned in and took my pelt?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">The Patriot.</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="SUMMER_BOARDERS_AND_OTHERS" id="SUMMER_BOARDERS_AND_OTHERS"></a>SUMMER BOARDERS AND OTHERS</h2> + +<h3>XIII</h3> + + +<p>"We kep' summer boarders the past season," said Orlando McCusick, of +East Kortright, to me as we sat in the springhouse and drank cold milk +from a large yellow bowl with white stripes around it; "we kep' boarders +from town all summer in the Catskills, and that is why I don't figger on +doing of it this year. You fellers that writes the pieces and makes the +pictures of us folks what keeps the boarders has got the laugh on us as +a general thing, but I would like to be interviewed a little for the +press, so's that I can be set right before the American people."</p> + +<p>"Well, if you will state the case fairly and honestly, I will try to +give you a chance."</p> + +<p>"In the first place," said Orlando, taking off his boot and removing his +jack-knife which had worked its way through his pocket<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> and down his +leg, then squinting along the new "tap" with one eye to see how it was +wearing before he put it on, "I did not know how healthy it was here +until I read in a railroad pamphlet, I guess you call it, where it says +that the relation of temperature to oxygen in a certain quantity of air +is of the highest importance. 'In a cubic foot,' it says, 'of air at +3,000 feet elevation, with a temperature of 32 degrees, there is as much +oxygen as in a like amount of air at sea level with a temperature of 65 +degrees. Another important fact that should not be lost sight of,' this +able feller says, 'by those affected by pulmonary diseases, is that +three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in activity as in +repose.' (Hence the hornet's nests introduced by me last season.) 'Then +in climates made stimulating by increased electric tension and cold, +activity must be followed by an increased endosmose of oxygen."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 461px;"> +<a name="illus124" id="illus124"></a> +<img src="images/i144.jpg" width="461" height="550" alt="... 'Three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in +activity as in repose.'" title="" /> +<span class="caption">... 'Three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in +activity as in repose.' (Hence the hornet's nests introduced by me last +season.) (Page 124)</span> +</div> + + +<p>"So you decided to select and furnish endosmose of oxygen to sufferers?"</p> + + +<p>"Yes. I went into it with no notions of making a pile of money, but I +argued that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> these folks would give anything for health. We folks are +apt to argy that people from town are all well off and liberal, and that +if they can come out and get all the buttermilk and straw rides they +want, and a little flush of color and a wood-tick on the back of their +necks, they don't reck a pesky reck what it costs. This is only +occasionly so. Ask any doctor you know of if the average man won't give +anything to save his life, and then when it's saved put his propity into +his womern's name. That's human. You know the good book says a pure man +from New York is the noblest work of God."</p> + +<p>"Well, when did this desire to endosmose your fellow-man first break out +on you?"</p> + +<p>"About a year and a half ago it began to rankle in my mind. I read up +everything I could get hold of regarding the longevity and such things +to be had here. In the winter I sent in a fair, honest, advertisement +regarding my place, and, Judas H. Priest! before I could say 'scat' in +the spring, here came letters by the dozen, mostly from school-teachers +at first, that had a good command<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> of language, but did not come. I +afterwards learned that these letters was frequently wrote by folks that +was not able to go into the country, so wrote these letters for mental +improvement, hoping also that some one in the country might want them +for the refinement they would engender in the family.</p> + +<p>"I took one young woman from town once, and allowed her 25 per cent. off +for her refining influence. Her name was Etiquette McCracken. She knew +very little in the first place, and had added to it a good deal by +storing up in her mind a lot of membranous theories and damaged facts +that ought to ben looked over and disinfected. She was the most hopeless +case I ever saw, Mr. Nye. She was a metropolitan ass. You know that a +town greenhorn is the greenest greenhorn in the world, because he can't +be showed anything. He knows it all. Well, Etiquette McCracken very nigh +paralyzed what few manners my children had. She pointed at things at +table, and said she wanted some o' that, and she had a sort of a starved +way of eating, and short breath, and seemed all the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> time apprehensive. +She probably et off the top of a flour barrel at home. She came and +stayed all summer at our house, with a wardrobe which was in a +shawl-strap wrapped up in a programme of one of them big theaters on +Bowery street. I guess she led a gay life in the city. She said she did. +She said if her set was at our house they would make it ring with +laughter. I said if they did I'd wring their cussed necks with laughter. +'Why,' she says, 'don't you like merriment?' 'Yes,' I says, 'I like +merriment well enough, but the cackle of a vacant mind rattling around +in a big farmhouse makes me a fiend, and unmans me, and I gnaw up two or +three people a day till I get over it,' I says."</p> + +<p>"Well, what became of Miss McCracken?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, she went up to her room in September, dressed herself in a long +linen duster, did some laundry work, and the next day, with her little +shawl-strap, she lit out for the city, where she was engaged to marry a +very wealthy old man whose mind had been crowded out by an intellectual +tumor, but who had a kind heart and had pestered her to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> death for years +to marry him and inherit his wealth. I afterwards learned that in this +matter she had lied."</p> + +<p>"Did you meet any other pleasant people last season?"</p> + +<p>"Yes. I met some blooded children from Several Hundred and Fifth street. +They come here so's they could get a breath of country air and wear out +their old cloze. Their mother said the poor things wanted to get out of +the mawlstrum of meetropolitan life. She said it was awful where they +lived. Just one round of gayety all the while. They come down and salted +my hens, and then took and turned in and chased a new milch cow eight +miles, with two of 'em holdin' of her by the tail, and another on top of +her with a pair of Buffalo Bill spurs and a false face, yelling like a +volunteer fire company. Then the old lady kicked because we run short of +milk. Said it was great if she couldn't have milk when she come to the +wilderness to live and paid her little old $3 a week just as regular as +Saturday night come round.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> + +<p>"These boys picked on mine all summer because my boys was plain little +fellers with no underwear, but good impulses and a general desire to lay +low and eventually git there, understand. My boys is considerable +bleached as regards hair, and freckled as to features, and they are not +ready in conversation like a town boy, but they would no more drive a +dumb animal through the woods till it was all het up, or take a new +milch cow and scare the daylights out of her, and yell at her and pull +out her tail, and send her home with her pores all open, than they'd be +sent to the legislature without a crime.</p> + +<p>"A neighbor of mine that see these boys when they was scarin' my cow to +death said if they'd of been his'n he'd rather foller 'em to their grave +than seen 'em do that. That's putting of it rather strong, but I believe +I would myself.</p> + +<p>"We had a nice old man that come out here to attend church, he said. He +belonged to a big church in town, where it cost him so much that he +could hardly look his Maker in the face, he said. Last winter, he told +us,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> they sold the pews at auction, and he had an affection for one, +'specially 'cause he and his wife had set in it all their lives, and now +that she was dead he wanted it, as he wanted the roof that had been over +them all their married lives. So he went down when they auctioned 'em +off, as it seems they do in those big churches, and the bidding started +moderate, but run up till they put a premium on his'n that froze him +out, and he had to take a cheap one where he couldn't hear very well, +and it made him sort of bitter. Then in May, he says, the Palestine rash +broke out among the preachers in New York, and most of 'em had to go to +the Holy Land to get over it, because that is the only thing you can do +with the Palestine rash when it gets a hold on a pastor. So he says to +me, 'I come out here mostly to see if I could get any information from +the Throne of Grace.'</p> + +<p>"He was a rattlin' fine old feller, and told me a good deal about one +thing and another. He said he'd seen it stated in the paper that +salvation was free, but in New York he said<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> it was pretty well +protected for an old-established industry.</p> + +<p>"He knew Deacon Decker pretty well. Deacon Decker was an old playmate of +Russell Sage, but didn't do so well as Russ did. He went once to New +York after he got along in years, and Sage knew him, but he couldn't +seem to place Sage. 'Why, Decker,' says Sage, 'don't you know me?' +Decker says, 'That's all right. You bet I know ye. You're one of these +fellows that knows everybody. There's another feller around the corner +that helps you to remember folks. I know ye. I read the papers. Git out. +Scat. Torment ye, I ain't in here to-day buyin' green goods, nor yet to +lift a freight bill for ye. So avaunt before I sick the police on ye.'</p> + +<p>"Finally Russ identified himself, and shook dice with the deacon to see +which should buy the lunch at the dairy kitchen. This is a true story, +told me by an old neighbor of Deacon Decker's.</p> + +<p>"Deacon Decker once discovered a loose knot in his pew seat in church, +and while considering the plan of redemption, thought<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span>lessly pushed with +considerable force on this knot with his thumb. At first it resisted the +pressure, but finally it slipped out and was succeeded by the deacon's +thumb. No one saw it, so the deacon, slightly flushed, gave it a +stealthy wrench, but the knot-hole had a sharp conical bottom, and the +edge soon caught and secured the rapidly swelling thumb of Deacon +Decker.</p> + +<p>"During the closing prayer he worked at it with great diligence and all +the saliva he could spare, but it resisted. It was a sad sight. Finally +he gave it up, and said to himself the struggle was useless. He tried to +be resigned and wait till all had gone. He shook his head when the plate +was passed to him, and only bowed when the brethren passed him on the +way out. Some thought that maybe he was cursed with doubts, but reckoned +that they would pass away.</p> + +<p>"Finally he was missed outside. He was generally so chipper and so +cheery. So his wife was asked about him. 'Why, father's inside. I'll go +and get him. I never knew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> him to miss shaking hands with all the +folks.'</p> + +<p>"So she went in and found Deacon Decker trying to interest himself with +a lesson leaf in one hand, while his other was concealed under his hat. +He could fool the neighbors, but he could not fool his wife, and so she +hustled around and told one or two, who told their wives, and they all +came back to see the deacon and make suggestions to him.</p> + +<p>"This little incident is true, and while it does not contain any special +moral, it goes to show that an honest man gathers no moss, and also +explains a large circular hole, and the tin patch over it, which may +still be seen in the pew where Deacon Decker used to sit."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THREE_OPEN_LETTERS" id="THREE_OPEN_LETTERS"></a>THREE OPEN LETTERS</h2> + +<h3>XIV</h3> + + +<p><i>Colonel John L. Sullivan, at large:</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—Will you permit me, without wishing to give you the slightest +offense, to challenge you to fight in France with bare knuckles and +police interference, between this and the close of navigation?</p> + +<p>I have had no real good fight with anybody for some time, and should be +glad to co-operate with you in that direction, preferring, however, to +have it attended to in time so that I can go on with my fall plowing. I +should also like to be my own stake holder.</p> + +<p>We shall have to fight at 135 pounds, because I can not train above that +figure without extra care and good feeding, while you could train down +to that, I judge, if you begin to go without food on receipt of this +challenge. I should ask that we fight under the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> rules of the London +prize ring, in the Opera House in Paris. If you decide to accept, I will +engage the house at once and put a few good reading notices in the +papers.</p> + +<p>I should expect a forfeit of $5,000 to be put up, so that in case you +are in jail at the time, I may have something to reimburse me for my +trip to Paris and the general upheaval of my whole being which arises +from ocean travel.</p> + +<p>I challenge you as a plain American citizen and an amateur, partially to +assert the rights of a simple tax-payer and partly to secure for myself +a name. I was, as a boy, the pride of my parents, and they wanted me to +amount to something. So far, the results have been different. Will you +not aid me, a poor struggler in the great race for supremacy, to obtain +that notice which the newspapers now so reluctantly yield? You are said +to be generous to a fault, especially your own faults, and I plead with +you now to share your great fame by accepting my challenge and appearing +with me in a mixed programme for the evening, in which we will jointly +amuse and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> instruct the people, while at the same time it will give me a +chance to become great in one day, even if I am defeated.</p> + +<p>I have often admired your scholarly and spiritual expressions, and your +modest life, and you will remember that at one time I asked you for your +autograph, and you told me to go where the worm dieth not and the fire +department is ineffectual. Will you not, I ask, aid a struggler and +panter for fame, who desires the eye of the public, even if his own be +italicised at the same time?</p> + +<p>I must close this challenge, which is in the nature of an appeal to one +of America's best-known men. Will you accept my humble challenge, so +that I can go into training at once? We can leave the details of the +fight to the <i>Mail and Express</i>, if you will, and the championship belt +we can buy afterward. All I care for is the honor of being mixed up with +you in some way, and enough of the gate money to pay for arnica and +medical attendance.</p> + +<p>Will you do it?</p> + +<p>I know the audience would enjoy seeing us<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> dressed for the fray, you so +strong and so wide, I so pensive and so flat busted about the chest. Let +us proceed at once, Colonel, to draw up the writings and begin to train. +You will never regret it, I am sure, and it will be the making of me.</p> + +<p>I do not know your address, but trust that this will reach you through +this book, for, as I write, you are on you way toward Canada, with a +requisition and the police reaching after you at every town.</p> + +<p>I am glad to hear that you are not drinking any more, especially while +engaged in sleep. If you only confine your drinking to your waking +hours, you may live to be a very old man, and your great, massive brain +will continue to expand until your hat will not begin to hold it.</p> + +<p>What do you think of Browning? I should like to converse with you on the +subject before the fight, and get your soul's best sentiments on his +style of intangible thought wave.</p> + +<p>I will meet you at Havre or Calais, and agree with you how hard we shall +hit each<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> other. I saw, at a low variety show the other day, two +pleasing comedians who welted each other over the stomach with canes, +and also pounded each other on the head with sufficient force to explode +percussion caps on the top of the skull, and yet without injury. Do you +not think that a prize-fight could be thus provided for? I will see +these men, if you say so, and learn their methods.</p> + +<p>Remember, it is not the punishment of a prize-fight for which I yearn, +but the effulgent glory of meeting you in the ring, and having the +cables and the press associate my budding name with that of a man who +has done so much to make men better—a man whose name will go down to +posterity as that of one who sought to ameliorate and mellow and +desiccate his fellow-men.</p> + +<p>I will now challenge you once more, with great respect, and beg leave to +remain, yours very truly,</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Bill Nye.</span> +</p> + + +<p><i>Hon. Ferdinand de Lesseps, Paris, France:</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>—I have some shares in the canal which you have been working +on, and I am<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> compelled to hypothecate them this summer, in order to +paint my house. You have great faith in the future of the enterprise, +and so I will give you the first chance on this stock of mine. You have +suffered so much in order to do this work that I want to see the stock +get into your hands. You deserve it. You shall have it. Ferdie, if you +will send me a post-office money order by return mail, covering the par +value of five hundred shares, I will lose the premium, because I am a +little pressed for money. The painters will be through next week, and +will want their pay.</p> + +<p>As I say, I want to see you own the canal, for in fancy I can see you as +you toiled down there in the hot sun, floating your wheelbarrow and your +bonds down the valley with your perspiration. I can see you in the +morning, with hot, red hands and a tin dinner pail, going to your toil, +a large red cotton handkerchief sticking out of your hip pocket.</p> + +<p>So I have decided that you ought to have control, if possible, of this +great water front; besides, you have a larger family than I have to +support. When I heard that you were the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> father of fifteen little +children, and that you were in the sere and yellow leaf, I said to +myself, a man with that many little mouths to feed, at the age of +eighty, shall have the first crack at my stock. And so, if you will send +the face value as soon as possible, I will say bong jaw, messue.</p> + +<p class="center"> +Yours truly,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Bill Nye.</span> +</p> + + +<p><i>To the Seven Haired Sisters, 'Steenth Street, New York:</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mesdames, Mamselles and Fellow-Citizens</span>—I write these few lines to say +that I am well and hope this will find you all enjoying the same great +blessing. How pleasant it is for sisters to dwell together in unity and +beloved by mankind. You must indeed have a good time standing in the +window day after day, pulling your long hair through your fingers with +pride. When I first saw you all thus engaged, for the benefit of the +public, I thought it was a candy pull.</p> + +<p>I now write to say that the hair promoter which you sold me at the time +is not up to its work. It was a year ago that I bought<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> it, and I think +that in a year something ought to show. It is a great nuisance for a +public man who is liable to come home late at night to have to top-dress +his head before he can retire. Your directions involve great care and +trouble to a man in my position, and still I have tried faithfully to +follow them. What is the result? Nothing but disappointment, and not so +very much of that.</p> + +<p>You said, if you remember, that your father was a bald-headed clergyman, +but one day, with a wild shriek of "Eureka!" he discovered this hair +encourager, and for the rest of his life filled his high hat with hair +every time he put it on. You said that at first a fine growth of down, +like the inside of a mouse's ear, would be seen, after that the blade, +then the stalk, and the full corn in the ear. In a pig's ear, I am now +led to believe.</p> + +<p>Fair, but false seven-haired sisters, I now bid you adieu. You have lost +in me a good, warm, true-hearted, and powerful friend. Ask me not for my +indorsement, or for my before and after taking pictures to use in your +circu<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>lars; I give my kind words and photographs hereafter to the soap +men. They are what they seem. You are not.</p> + +<p>When a woman betrays me she must beware. And when seven of them do so, +it is that much worse. You fooled me with smiles and false promises, and +now it will be just as well for you to look out. I would rather die than +be betrayed. It is disagreeable. It sours one, and also embitters one.</p> + +<p>Here at this point our ways will diverge. The roads fork at this place. +I shall go on upward and onward hairless and cappy, also careless and +happy, to my goal in life. I do not know whether each or either of you +have provided yourselves with goals or not, but if not you will do well +now to select some. The world may smile upon you, and gold pour into +your coffers, but the day will come when you will have to wrap the +drapery of your hair about you and lie down to pleasant dreams. Then +will arise the thought, alas!—Then You'll Remember Me.</p> + +<p>I now close this letter, leaving you to the keen pangs of remorse and +the cruel jabs of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> unavailing regret. Some people are born bald, others +acquire baldness, whilst still others have baldness thrust upon them +with a paint brush. Some are bald on the outside of their heads, others +on the inside. But oh, girls, beware of baldness on the soul. I ask you, +even if you are the daughters of a clergyman, to think seriously of what +I have said.</p> + +<p class="center"> +Yours truly,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Bill Nye.</span> +</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_DUBIOUS_FUTURE" id="THE_DUBIOUS_FUTURE"></a>THE DUBIOUS FUTURE</h2> + +<h3>XV</h3> + + +<p>Without wishing to alarm the American people, or create a panic, I +desire briefly and seriously to discuss the great question, "Whither are +we drifting, and what is to be the condition of the coming man?" We can +not shut our eyes to the fact that mankind is passing through a great +era of change; even womankind is not built as she was a few brief years +ago. And is it not time, fellow citizens, that we pause to consider what +is to be the future of the American?</p> + +<p>Food itself has been the subject of change both in the matter of +material and preparation. This must affect the consumer in such a way as +to some day bring about great differences. Take, for instance, the +oyster, one of our comparatively modern food and game<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> fishes, and watch +the effects of science upon him. At one time the oyster browsed around +and ate what he could find in Neptune's back-yard, +and we had to eat him as we found him. Now we take a herd of oysters off +the trail, all run down, and feed them artificially till they swell up +to a fancy size, and bring a fancy price. Where will this all lead at +last, I ask as a careful scientist? Instead of eating apples, as Adam +did, we work the fruit up into apple-jack and pie, while even the simple +oyster is perverted, and instead of being allowed to fatten up in the +fall on acorns and ancient mariners, spurious flesh is put on his bones +by the artificial osmose and dialysis of our advanced civilization. How +can you make an oyster stout or train him down by making him jerk a +health lift so many hours every day, or cultivate his body at the +expense of his mind, without ultimately not only impairing the future +usefulness of the oyster himself, but at the same time affecting the +future of the human race who feed upon him?</p> + +<p>I only use the oyster as an illustration, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> I do not wish to cause +alarm, but I say that if we stimulate the oyster artificially and swell +him up by scientific means, we not only do so at the expense of his +better nature and keep him away from his family, but we are making our +mark on the future race of men. Oyster-fattening is now, of course, in +its infancy. Only a few years ago an effort was made at St. Louis to +fatten cove oysters while in the can, but the system was not well +understood, and those who had it in charge only succeeded in making the +can itself more plump. But now oysters are kept on ground feed and given +nothing to do for a few weeks, and even the older and overworked +sway-backed and rickety oysters of the dim and murky past are made to +fill out, and many of them have to put a gore in the waistband of their +shells. I only speak of the oyster incidentally, as one of the objects +toward which science has turned its attention, and I assert with the +utmost confidence that the time will come, unless science should get a +set-back, when the present hunting-case oyster will give place to the +open-face oyster, grafted on the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> octopus and big enough to feed a +hotel. Further than that, the oyster of the future will carry in a +hip-pocket a flask of vinegar, half a dozen lemons and two little +Japanese bottles, one of which will contain salt and the other pepper, +and there will be some way provided by which you can tell which is +which. But are we improving the oyster now? That is a question we may +well ask ourselves. Is this a healthy fat which we are putting on him, +or is it bloat? And what will be the result in the home-life of the +oyster? We take him from all domestic influences whatever in order to +make a swell of him by our modern methods, but do we improve his +condition morally, and what is to be the great final result on man?</p> + +<p>The reader will see by the questions I ask that I am a true scientist. +Give me an overcoat pocket full of lower-case interrogation marks and +a medical report to run to, and I can speak on the matter of science and +advancement till Reason totters on her throne.</p> + +<p>But food and oysters do not alone affect the great, pregnant future. Our +race is be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>ing tampered with not only by means of adulterations, +political combinations and climatic changes, but even our methods of +relaxation are productive of peculiar physical conditions, malformations +and some more things of the same kind.</p> + +<p>Cigarette smoking produces a flabby and endogenous condition of the +optic nerve, and constant listening at a telephone, always with the same +ear, decreases the power of the other ear till it finally just stands +around drawing its salary, but actually refusing to hear anything. +Carrying an eight-pound cane makes a man lopsided, and the muscular and +nervous strain that is necessary to retain a single eyeglass in place +and keep it out of the soup, year after year, draws the mental stimulus +that should go to the thinker itself, until at last the mind wanders +away and forgets to come back, or becomes atrophied, and the great +mental strain incident to the work of pounding sand or coming in when it +rains is more than it is equal to.</p> + +<p>Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of pounding on the +floor with the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> butt of the cue ever and anon, produces at last optical +illusions, phantasmagoria and visions of pink spiders with navy-blue +abdomens. Base-ball is not alone highly injurious to the umpire, but it +also induces crooked fingers, bone spavin and hives among habitual +players. Jumping the rope induces heart disease. Poker is unduly +sedentary in its nature. Bicycling is highly injurious, especially to +skittish horses. Boating induces malaria. Lawn tennis can not be played +in the house. Archery is apt to be injurious to those who stand around +and watch the game, and pugilism is a relaxation that jars heavily on +some natures.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 384px;"> +<a name="illus149" id="illus149"></a> +<img src="images/i169.jpg" width="384" height="550" alt="Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of +pounding on the floor with the butt of the cue ever and anon, " title="" /> +<span class="caption">Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of +pounding on the floor with the butt of the cue ever and anon, produces +at last optical illusions (Page 149)</span> +</div> + +<p>Foot-ball produces what may be called the endogenous or ingrowing +toenail, stringhalt and mania. Copenhagen induces a melancholy, and the +game of bean bag is unduly exciting. Horse racing is too brief and +transitory as an outdoor game, requiring weeks and months for +preparation and lasting only long enough for a quick person to ejaculate +"Scat!" The pitcher's arm is a new disease, the outgrowth of base-ball; +the lawn-tennis elbow is another result of a popular open-air<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> +amusement, and it begins to look as though the coming American would +hear with one overgrown telephonic ear, while the other will be +rudimentary only. He will have an abnormal base-ball arm with a +lawn-tennis elbow, a powerful foot-ball-kicking leg with the superior +toe driven back into the palm of his foot. He will have a highly trained +biceps muscle over his eye to retain his glass, and that eye will be +trained to shoot a curved glance over a high hat and witness anything on +the stage.</p> + +<p>Other features grow abnormal, or shrink up from the lack of use, as a +result of our customs. For instance, the man whose business it is to get +along a crowded street with the utmost speed will have, finally, a hard, +sharp horn growing on each elbow, and a pair of spurs growing out of +each ankle. These will enable him to climb over a crowd and get there +early. Constant exposure to these weapons on the part of the pedestrian +will harden the walls of the thorax and abdomen until the coming man +will be an impervious man. The citizen who avails himself of all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> modern +methods of conveyance will ride from his door on the horse car to the +elevated station, where an elevator will elevate him to the train and a +revolving platform will swing him on board, or possibly the street car +will be lifted from the surface track to the elevated track, and the +passenger will retain his seat all the time. Then a man will simply hang +out a red card, like an express card, at his door, and a combination car +will call for him, take him to the nearest elevated station, elevate +him, car and all, to the track, take him where he wants to go, and call +for him at any hour of the night to bring him home. He will do his +exercising at home, chiefly taking artificial sea baths, jerking a +rowing machine or playing on a health lift till his eyes hang out on his +cheeks, and he need not do any walking whatever. In that way the coming +man will be over-developed above the legs, and his lower limbs will look +like the desolate stems of a frozen geranium. Eccentricities of limb +will be handed over like baldness from father to son among the dwellers +in the cities, where every advantage in the way of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> rapid transit is to +be had, until a metropolitan will be instantly picked out by his able +digestion and rudimentary legs, just as we now detect the gentleman from +the interior by his wild endeavors to overtake an elevated train.</p> + +<p>In fact, Mr. Edison has now perfected, or announced that he is on the +road to the perfection of, a machine which I may be pardoned for calling +a storage think-tank. This will enable a brainy man to sit at home, and, +with an electric motor and a perfected phonograph, he can think into a +tin dipper or funnel, which will, by the aid of electricity and a new +style of foil, record and preserve his ideas on a sheet of soft metal, +so that when any one says to him, "A penny for your thoughts," he can go +to his valise and give him a piece of his mind. Thus the man who has +such wild and beautiful thoughts in the night and never can hold on to +them long enough to turn on the gas and get his writing materials, can +set this thing by the head of his bed, and, when the poetic thought +comes to him in the stilly night, he can think<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> into a hopper, and the +genius of Franklin and Edison together will enable him to fire it back +at his friends in the morning while they eat their pancakes and glucose +syrup from Vermont, or he can mail the sheet of tinfoil to absent +friends, who may put it into their phonographs and utilize it. In this +way the world may harness the gray matter of its best men, and it will +be no uncommon thing to see a dozen brainy men tied up in a row in the +back office of an intellectual syndicate, dropping pregnant thoughts +into little electric coffee mills for a couple of hours a day, after +which they can put on their coats, draw their pay, and go home.</p> + +<p>All this will reduce the quantity of exercise, both mental and physical. +Two men with good brains could do the thinking for 60,000,000 of people +and feel perfectly fresh and rested the next day. Take four men, we will +say, two to do the day thinking and two more to go on deck at night, and +see how much time the rest of the world would have to go fishing. See +how politics would become simplified. Conventions, primaries,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> bargains +and sales, campaign bitterness and vituperation—all might be wiped out. +A pair of political thinkers could furnish 100,000,000 of people with +logical conclusions enough to last them through the campaign and put an +unbiased opinion into a man's house each day for less than he now pays +for gas. Just before election you could go into your private office, +throw in a large dose of campaign whisky, light a campaign cigar, fasten +your buttonhole to the wall by an elastic band, so that there would be a +gentle pull on it, and turn the electricity on your mechanical thought +supply. It would save time and money, and the result would be the same +as it is now. This would only be the beginning, of course, and after a +while every qualified voter who did not feel like exerting himself so +much, need only give his name and proxy to the salaried thinker employed +by the National Think Retort and Supply Works. We talk a great deal +about the union of church and state, but that is not so dangerous, after +all, as the mixture of politics and independent thought. Will the coming +voter be an automatic, leg<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>less, hairless mollusk with an abnormal ear +constantly glued to the tube of a big tank full of symmetrical ideas +furnished by a national bureau of brains in the employ of the party in +power?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="EARNING_A_REWARD" id="EARNING_A_REWARD"></a>EARNING A REWARD</h2> + +<h3>XVI</h3> + + +<p>Those were troublous times indeed. All-wool justice in the courts was +impossible. The vigilance committee, or Salvation army, as it called +itself, didn't make much fuss about its work, but we all knew that the +best citizens belonged to it, and were in good standing.</p> + +<p>It was in those days that young Stewart was short-handed for a +sheep-herder, and had to take up with a sullen, hairy vagrant called by +the other boys, "Esau." Esau hadn't been on the ranch a week before he +made trouble with the proprietor and got from Stewart the red-hot +blessing he deserved.</p> + +<p>Then Esau got madder and skulked away down the valley among the little +sage brush hummocks and white alkali wasteland, to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> nurse his wrath. +When Stewart drove into the corral that night, Esau rose up from behind +an old sheep dip-tank, and without a word except what may have growled +around in his black heart, he leveled a Spencer rifle and shot his young +employer dead.</p> + +<p>That was the tragedy of that week only. Others had occurred before and +others would probably occur again. Tragedy was getting too prevalent for +comfort. So as soon as a quick cayuse and a boy could get down into +town, the news spread and the authorities began in the routine manner to +set the old legal mill to running. Some one had to go down to "The +Tivoli" and find the prosecuting attorney, then a messenger had to go to +"The Alhambra" for the justice of the peace. The prosecuting attorney +was "full," and the judge had just drawn one card to complete a straight +flush, and had succeeded.</p> + +<p>So it took time to get square-toed justice ready and arm the sheriff +with the proper documents.</p> + +<p>In the meantime the Salvation army was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> fully half way to Clugston's +ranch. They had started out, as they said, "to see that Esau didn't get +away." They were also going to see that Esau was brought into town.</p> + +<p>What happened after they got out there I only know from hearsay, for I +was not a member of the Salvation army at that time. But I learned from +one of those present, that they found Esau down in the sage brush on the +bottoms that lie between the abrupt corner of Sheep mountain and the +Little Laramie river. They captured him but he died soon after, as it +was told me, from the effects of opium taken with suicidal intent. I +remember seeing Esau the next morning, and I thought I noticed signs of +ropium, as there was a purple streak around the neck of the deceased, +together with other external phenomena not peculiar to opium.</p> + +<p>But the grand difficulty with the Salvation army was that it didn't want +to bring Esau into town. A long, cold night ride with a person in Esau's +condition was disagreeable. Twenty miles of lonely road with a +deceased<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> murderer in the bottom of the wagon is depressing. Those of +my readers who have tried it will agree with me that it is not +calculated to promote hilarity.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 383px;"> +<a name="illus159" id="illus159"></a> +<img src="images/i180.jpg" width="383" height="550" alt="Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he +heard the wild and disappointed yells of the Salvation army +(Page 159)" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he +heard the wild and disappointed yells of the Salvation army +(Page 159)</span> +</div> + +<p>So the Salvation army stopped at Whatley's ranch to get warm, hoping +that some one would steal the remains and elope with them. They stayed +some time and managed to "give away" the fact that there was a reward of +$5,000 out for Esau, dead or alive. The Salvation army even went so far +as to betray a good deal of hilarity over the easy way it had nailed the +reward or would as soon as said remains were delivered up and +identified.</p> + +<p>Mr. Whatley thought that the Salvation army was having a kind of walk +away, so he slipped out at the back door of the ranch, put Esau into his +own wagon and drove off to town. Remember, this is the way it was told +to me.</p> + +<p>Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the wild and +disappointed yells of the Salvation army. He put the buckskin on the +back of his horse without<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> mercy, urged on by the enraged shouts and +yells of his infuriated pursuers. He reached town about midnight, and +his pursuers disappeared. But what was he to do with Esau?</p> + +<p>He drove around all over town trying to find the official who signed for +the deceased. He went from house to house like a vegetable vender, +seeking sadly for the party who would give him a $5,000 check for Esau. +Nothing could be more depressing than to wake up one man after another +out of a sound sleep, and invite him to come out to the buggy and +identify the remains. One man went out and looked at him. He said he +didn't know how others felt about it, but he allowed that anybody who +would pay $5,000 for such a remains as Esau's could not have very good +taste.</p> + +<p>Gradually it crept through Mr. Whatley's wool that the Salvation army +had been working him, so he left Esau at the engine house and went home. +On his ranch he nailed up a large board, on which had been painted in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> +antique characters, with a paddle and tar, the following:</p> + +<blockquote> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 53px; margin-top: 0em;"> +<img src="images/i183.jpg" width="53" height="20" alt="" title="hand pointing" /> +</div> +<p>Vigilance Committees, Salvation Armies, +Morgues, or young physicians who may have deceased people on their +hands, are requested to refrain from conferring them on to the +undersigned.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 53px; margin-top: 0em;"> +<img src="images/i183.jpg" width="53" height="20" alt="" title="hand pointing" /> +</div> +<p>People who contemplate shuffling off their +own or other people's mortal coils will please not do so on these +grounds.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 53px; margin-top: 0em;"> +<img src="images/i183.jpg" width="53" height="20" alt="" title="hand pointing" /> +</div> +<p>The Salvation Army of the Rocky Mountains +is especially hereby warned to keep off the Grass! <span class="smcap">James Whatley.</span></p></blockquote><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_PLEA_FOR_JUSTICE" id="A_PLEA_FOR_JUSTICE"></a>A PLEA FOR JUSTICE</h2> + +<h3>XVII</h3> + + +<p><i>To the Honorable Mayor of New York:</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>—I suppose you are mayor of this whole town, and if so you are the +mayor of the hosspitals as well as of the municipality of New York. I am +a citizen of this place that has always been square towards every man +and paid my bills as they accrewed. I now ask you, in return for same, +to intervene and protect me in my rights. The millishy has never been +called out to suppress me. I have never been guilty of rebellyun or open +difyance off the law, and yet I am unable to get a square deal and I +write this brief note and enclose a two-cent stamp, to ascertain +whether, as mayor, you are for me or agin me.</p> + + + +<p>Three years ago I entered your town from a westerly direction. I done so +quietly and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> I presume that few will remember the sircumstans, yet such +was so. I had not been here two weeks when I was run into, knocked over +and tromped onto by the bay team of a purse-proud producer of beer. I +was dashed to earth and knocked galley west on Broadway st. looking +north by sed horses and I was wrecked while peasably on my way to my +place of business. When I come to myself I was in a large, cool +hosspital which smelt strong of some forrin substans. The hed doctor had +been breathing on me and so I come too. When I looked around me I +decided to murmur "Where am I at?" which I did.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 429px;"> +<a name="illus163" id="illus163"></a> +<img src="images/i185.jpg" width="429" height="550" alt="... I was in a large, cool hosspital which smelt strong +of some forrin substans. " title="" /> +<span class="caption">... I was in a large, cool hosspital which smelt strong +of some forrin substans. The hed doctor had been breathing on me and so +I come too (Page 163)</span> +</div> + +<p>I soon learned that I was in a hosspital, and that kind friends had +removed one of my legs. I will not take up your time, sir, by touching +on my sufferings. Suphice it to say that I went foarth at last a blasted +man, with a cork leg that don't look no more like my own once leg which +I was torn away from, in spite of the Old Harry. It is too late to +repine over a wooden leg, unless it is a pine leg, but I come to you, +sir, to interfear on behalf of another matter which I will now<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> aprooch. +Sorrows at that time come on me thick and fast. During that fall I lost +my wife and two dogs by deth. This was the third wife I have been called +on to bury. It has been my blessed privilidge to mourn the loss of three +as good wives as I ever shook a stick at. I have got them all in one +cool, roomy toom, with a verse on the door of same and their address, so +that they will not delay the resurrection. Under the verse that was +engraved on the slab, some low cuss has wrote three verses of poetry +with a chorus to each verse which winds up with the words:</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Tit, tat, toe, three in a row.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>But all this is only introductory. Sir, it has long been my heart's +desire that all my beloved dead should repose together. I have a large +lot in the semmetery, and last week a movement was placed on foot to +inter my late leg by the sides of my deceased wives. I applied to the +hosspital for said leg, having got a permit to bury same. I was pleasant +and corechus to the authoritis there, saying that my name was Gray and I +was there to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> procure my leg, whereupon a young meddicle cuss said to +the head ampitater:</p> + +<p>"Here's de man that wants to plant Gray's l-e-g in a churchyard."</p> + +<p>He then laughed a hoarse laugh and went on preserving a polapus in a big +glass fruit can with alkohall in it. Wherever I went I met with a +general disposition to fool with a stricken and one-legged man. I went +from ward to ward, looking at suffering and smelling kloryform till I +was sick at heart. I was referred from Dan to Beersheby, from the +janiter up to the chief tongue inspector, and one place where I went +into they seemed to be picking bone splinters out from among a +gentleman's brains. I made bold to tell my business, but with small +hopes.</p> + +<p>"This is the man I told you about, Doc," said a young man who was filing +and setting a small bone handsaw. "This is that matter of Gray, the man +who wants his leg."</p> + +<p>"Damn your Gray matter," says this doctor, whereupon the rest bust into +ribald mirth.</p> + +<p>I was insulted right and left for a whole forenoon, and came away +shocked and pained.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> Will you assist me? There is no reverence among +doctors any more and they have none of the finer feelings. Some asked me +if I had a check for my leg. Some said they thought it had escaped from +the hosspital and gone on the stage, and one feller said that this +hosspital would not be responsible for the legs of guests unless +deposited in the office safe. I like fun just as well as anybody, Mr. +Mayor, but I don't think any one should be youmerous over the cold dead +features of a leg from which I have been ruthlessly snatched.</p> + +<p>I now beg, sir, to dror this hasty letter to an untimely end, hoping +that you will make it hot for this blooming hosspital and make them fork +over said leg. Yours, with kindest regards,</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">A. Pittsfield Gray.</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="GRAINS_OF_TRUTH" id="GRAINS_OF_TRUTH"></a>GRAINS OF TRUTH</h2> + +<h3>XVIII</h3> + + +<p>A young friend has written to me as follows: "Could you tell me +something of the location of the porcelain works in Sèvres, France, and +what the process is of making those beautiful things which come from +there? How is the name of the town pronounced? Can you tell me anything +of the history of Mme. Pompadour? Who was the Dauphin? Did you learn +anything of Louis XV whilst in France? What are your literary habits?"</p> + +<p>It is with a great, bounding joy that I impart the desired information. +Sèvres is a small village just outside of St. Cloud (pronounced San +Cloo). It is given up to the manufacture of porcelain. You go to St. +Cloud by rail or river, and then drive over to Sèvres by diligence or +voiture. Some go<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> one way and some go the other. I rode up on the Seine, +aboard of a little, noiseless, low-pressure steamer about the size of a +sewing machine. It was called the Silvoo Play, I think.</p> + +<p>The fare was thirty centimes—or, say, three cents. After paying my fare +and finding that I still had money left, I lunched at St. Cloud in the +open air at a trifling expense. I then took a bottle of milk from my +pocket and quenched my thirst. Traveling through France, one finds that +the water is especially bad, tasting of the Dauphin at times, and +dangerous in the extreme. I advise those, therefore, who wish to be well +whilst doing the Continent, to carry, especially in France, as I did, a +large, thick-set bottle of milk, or kumiss, with which to take the wire +edge off one's whistle whilst being yanked through the Louvre.</p> + +<p>St. Cloud is seven miles west of the center of Paris and almost ten +miles by rail on the road to Versailles—pronounced Vairsi. St. Cloud +belongs to the Canton of Sèvres and the arrondissement of Versailles. An +arron<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span>dissement is not anything reprehensible. It is all right. You, +yourself, could belong to an arrondissement if you lived in France.</p> + +<p>St. Cloud is on the beautiful hill slope, looking down the valley of the +Seine, with Paris in the distance. It is peaceful and quiet and +beautiful. Everything is peaceful in Paris when there is no revolution +on the carpet. The steam cars run safely and do not make so much noise +as ours do. The steam whistle does not have such a hold on people as it +does here. The adjutant-general at the depot blows a little tin bugle, +the admiral of the train returns the salute, the adjutant-general says +"Allons!" and the train starts off like a somewhat leisurely young man +who is going to the depot to meet his wife's mother.</p> + +<p>One does not realize what a Fourth of July racket we live in and employ +in our business till he has been the guest of a monarchy of Europe +between whose toes the timothy and clover have sprung up to a great +height. And yet it is a pleasing change, and I shall be glad when we as +a republic have passed the blow-hard period, laid aside the +ear-splitting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> steam whistle, settled down to good, permanent +institutions, and taken on the restful, sootheful, Boston air which +comes with time and the quiet self-congratulation that one is born in a +Bible land and with Gospel privileges, and where the right to worship in +a strictly high-church manner is open to all.</p> + +<p>The Palace of St. Cloud was once the residence of Napoleon I in +summer-time. He used to go out there for the heated term, and folding +his arms across his stomach, have thought after thought regarding the +future of France. Yet he very likely never had an idea that some day it +would be a thrifty republic, engaged in growing green peas, or pulling a +soiled dove out of the Seine, now and then, to add to the attractions of +her justly celebrated morgue.</p> + +<p>Louis XVIII also put up at the Palace in St. Cloud several summers. He +spelled it "palais," which shows that he had very poor early English +advantages, or that he was, as I have always suspected, a native of +Quebec. Charles X also changed the bedding somewhat, and moved in during +his reign. He<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> also added a new iron sink and a place in the barn for +washing buggies. Louis Philippe spent his summers here for a number of +years, and wrote weekly letters to the Paris papers, signed "Uno," in +which he urged the taxpayers to show more veneration for their royal +nibs. Napoleon III occupied the palais in summer during his lifetime, +availing himself finally of the use of Mr. Bright's justly celebrated +disease and dying at the dawn of better institutions for beautiful but +unhappy France.</p> + +<p>I visited the palais (pronounced pallay), which was burned by the +Prussians in 1870. The grounds occupy 960 acres, which I offered to buy +and fit up, but probably I did not deal with responsible parties. This +part of France reminds me very much of North Carolina. I mean, of +course, the natural features. Man has done more for France, it seems to +me, than for the Tar Heel State, and the cities of Asheville and Paris +are widely different. The police of Paris rarely get together in front +of the court-house to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> pitch horseshoes or dwell on the outlook for the +goober crop.</p> + +<p>And yet the same blue, ozonic sky, if I may be allowed to coin a word, +the same soft, restful, dolce frumenti air of gentle, genial health, and +of cark destroying, magnetic balm to the congested soul, the inflamed +nerve and the festering brain, are present in Asheville that one finds +in the quiet drives of San Cloo with the successful squirt of the mighty +fountains of Vairsi and the dark and whispering forests of +Fon-taine-<i>bloo</i>.</p> + +<p>The palais at San Cloo presents a rather dejected appearance since it +was burned, and the scorched walls are bare, save where here and there a +warped and wilted water pipe festoons the blackened and blistered wreck +of what was once so grand and so gay.</p> + +<p>San Cloo has a normal school for the training of male teachers only. I +visited it, but for some cause I did not make a hit in my address to the +pupils until I began to speak in their own national tongue. Then the +closest attention was paid to what I said, and the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> keenest delight was +manifest on every radiant face. The president, who spoke some English, +shook hands with me as we parted, and I asked him how the students took +my remarks. He said: "They shall all the time keep the thinkness—what +you shall call the recollect—of monsieur's speech in preserves, so that +they shall forget it not continualle. We shall all the time say we have +not witness something like it since the time we come here, and have not +so much enjoy ourselves since the grand assassination by the guillotine. +Come next winter and be with us for one week. Some of us will remain in +the hall each time."</p> + +<p>At San Cloo I hired of a quiet young fellow about thirty-five years of +age, who kept a very neat livery stable there, a sort of victoria and a +big Percheron horse, with fetlock whiskers that reminded me of the +Sutherland sisters. As I was in no hurry I sat on an iron settee in the +cool court of the livery stable, and with my arm resting on the shoulder +of the proprietor I spoke of the crops and asked if generally people +about there re<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>garded the farmer movement as in any way threatening to +the other two great parties. He did not seem to know, and so I watched +the coachman who was to drive me, as he changed his clothes in order to +give me my money's worth in grandeur.</p> + +<p>One thing I liked about France was that the people were willing, at a +slight advance on the regular price, to treat a very ordinary man with +unusual respect and esteem. This surprised and delighted me beyond +measure, and I often told people there that I did not begrudge the +additional expense. The coachman was also hostler, and when the carriage +was ready he altered his attire by removing a coarse, gray shirt or +tunic and putting on a long, olive green coachman's coat, with erect +linen collar and cuffs sewed into the collar and sleeves. He wore a high +hat that was much better than mine, as is frequently the case with +coachmen and their employers. My coachman now gives me his silk hat when +he gets through with it in the spring and fall, so I am better dressed +than I used to be.</p> + +<p>But we were going to say a word regard<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span>ing the porcelain works at +Sèvres. It is a modern building and is under government control. The +museum is filled with the most beautiful china dishes and funny business +that one could well imagine. Besides, the pottery ever since its +construction has retained its models, and they, of course, are worthy of +a day's study. The "Sèvres blue" is said to be a little bit bluer than +anything else in the known world except the man who starts a nonpareil +paper in a pica town.</p> + +<p>I was careful not to break any of these vases and things, and thus +endeared myself to the foreman of the place. All employes are uniformed +and extremely deferential to recognized ability. Practically, for half a +day, I owned the place.</p> + +<p>A cattle friend of mine who was looking for a dynasty whose tail he +could twist while in Europe, and who used often to say over our glass of +vin ordinaire (which I have since learned is not the best brand at all), +that nothing would tickle him more than "to have a little deal with a +crowned head and get him in the door," accidentally broke a blue crock<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> +out there at Sèvres which wouldn't hold over a gallon, and it took the +best part of a car load of cows to pay for it, he told me.</p> + +<p>The process of making the Sèvres ware is not yet published in book form, +especially the method of coloring and enameling. It is a secret +possessed by duly authorized artists. The name of the town is pronounced +Save.</p> + +<p>Mme. Pompadour is said to have been the natural daughter of a butcher, +which I regard as being more to her own credit than though she had been +an artificial one. Her name was Jeanne Antoinette Poisson Le Normand +d'Etioles, Marchioness de Pompadour, and her name is yet used by the +authorities of Versailles as a fire escape, so I am told.</p> + +<p>She was the mistress of Louis XV, who never allowed her to put her hands +in dishwater during the entire time she visited at his house. +D'Etioles was her first husband, but she left him for a gay but rather +reprehensible life at court, where she was terribly talked about, though +she is said not to have cared a cent.</p> + +<p>She developed into a marvelous politician,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> and early seeing that the +French people were largely governed by the literary lights of that time, +she began to cultivate the acquaintance of the magazine writers, and +tried to join the Authors' Club.</p> + +<p>She then became prominent by originating a method of doing up the hair, +which has since grown popular among people whose hair has not, like my +own, been already "done up."</p> + +<p>This style of Mme. Pompadour's was at once popular with the young men +who ran the throttles of the soda fountains of that time, and is still +well spoken of. A young friend of mine trained his hair up from his +forehead in that way once and could not get it down again. During his +funeral his hair, which had been glued down by the undertaker, became +surprised at something said by the clergyman and pushed out the end of +his casket.</p> + +<p>The king tired in a few years of Mme. Pompadour and wished that he had +not encouraged her to run away from her husband. She, however, retained +her hold upon the blasé<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> and alcoholic monarch by her wonderful +versatility and genius.</p> + +<p>When all her talents as an artiste and politician palled upon his old +rum-soaked and emaciated brain, and ennui, like a mighty canker, ate +away large corners of his moth-eaten soul, she would sit in the gloaming +and sing to him, "Hard Times, Hard Times, Come Again No More," meantime +accompanying herself on the harpsichord or the sackbut or whatever they +played in those days. Then she instituted theatricals, giving, through +the aid of the nobility, a very good version of "Peck's Bad Boy" and +"Lend Me Five Centimes."</p> + +<p>She finally lost her influence over Looey the XV, and as he got to be an +old man the thought suddenly occurred to him to reform, and so he had +Mme. Pompadour beheaded at the age of forty-two years. This little story +should teach us that no matter how gifted we are, or how high we may +wear our hair, our ambitions must be tempered by honor and integrity; +also that pride goeth before destruction and a haughty spirit before a +plunk.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_SCAMPER_THROUGH_THE_PARK" id="A_SCAMPER_THROUGH_THE_PARK"></a>A SCAMPER THROUGH THE PARK</h2> + +<h3>XIX</h3> + + +<p>Last week Colonel Bill Root, formerly Duke of Council Bluffs, paid me a +visit, and as I desired to show him Central Park, I took him to +Fifty-Eighth street and hired a carriage, my own team being at my +country place. I also engaged the services of a dark-eyed historical +student, who is said to know more about Central Park than any other man +in New York, having driven through it, as he has, for years. He was a +plain, sad man, with a mustache which was mostly whiskers. He dressed +carelessly in a négligé suit of neutral-tinted clothes, including a pair +of trousers which seemed to fit him in that shy and reluctant manner +which characterized the fit of the late lamented Jumbo's clothes after +he had been indifferently taxidermed.</p> + +<p>Colonel Root and I called him "Governor,"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> and thereby secured knowledge +which could not be obtained from books. Colonel Root is himself no +kindergarten savant, being the author and discoverer of a method of +breaking up a sitting-hen by first calling her away from her deep-seated +passion, tying a red-flannel rag around her leg, and then still further +turning her attention from her wild yearning to hatch out a flock of +suburban villas by sitting on a white front-door knob. This he does by +deftly inserting the hen into a joint of stove-pipe and then cementing +both ends of the same. Colonel Root is also the discoverer of a cipher +which shows that Julius Cæsar's dying words were: "Et tu Brute. Verily +the tail goeth with the hide."</p> + +<p>After a while the driver paused. Colonel Root asked him why he tarried.</p> + +<p>"I wanted to call your attention," said the Governor, "to the Casino, a +place where you can provide for the inner man or any other man. You can +here secure soft-shell crabs, boiled lobster, low-neck clams, Hamburger +steaks, chicken salad, miscellaneous soups, lobster salad with +machine-oil on it, Neapol<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span>itan ice-cream, Santa Cruz rum, Cincinnati +Sec, pie, tooth-picks, and finger-bowls."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 399px;"> +<a name="illus181" id="illus181"></a> +<img src="images/i204.jpg" width="399" height="550" alt="Said the Governor as he swung around with his feet over +in our part of the carriage and asked me for a light (Page 181)" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Said the Governor as he swung around with his feet over +in our part of the carriage and asked me for a light (Page 181)</span> +</div> + +<p>"How far does the waiter have to go to get these things cooked?" +inquired Colonel Root, looking at his valuable watch.</p> + +<p>"That," said the Governor, as he swung around with his feet over in our +part of the carriage and asked me for a light, "depends on how you +approach him. If you slip a half dollar up his coat-sleeve without his +knowledge he will get your twenty-five cent meal cooked somewhere near +by, but otherwise I have known him to go away and come back with gray +side-whiskers and cobwebs on the pie instead of the wine."</p> + +<p>We went in and told the proprietor to see that our driver had what he +wanted. He did not want much, aside from a whisky sour, a plate of +terrapin, a pint of Mr. Pommery's secretary's beverage, and a baked +duck. We had a little calves' liver and custard pie. Then we visited +Cleopatra's Needle.</p> + +<p>"And who in creation was Cleopatra?" asked Colonel Root.</p> + +<p>"Cleopatra," said the driver, "was a good<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span>looking Queen of Egypt. She +was eighteen years old when her father left the throne, as it was +screwed down to the dais, and died. He left the kingdom to Cleopatra, in +partnership with Ptolemy, her brother. Ptolemy, in 51 B. C., deprived +her of the throne, leaving Cleopatra nothing but the tidy. She appealed +to Julius Cæsar, who hired a man to embalm Ptolemy, and restored Egypt +to his sister, who was as likely a girl as Julius had ever met with. She +accompanied him to Rome in 46 B. C., and remained there a couple of +years. When Cæsar was assassinated by a delegation of Roman tax-payers +who desired a change, Cleopatra went back and began to reign over Egypt +again. She also attracted the attention of Antony. He thought so much of +her that he would frequently stay away from a battle and deny himself +the joys of being split open with a dull stab-knife in order to hang +around home and hold Cleopatra's hand, and, though she was a widow +practically, she was the Amélie Rives style of widow, and he said that +it had to be an all-fired good battle that could make<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> him put on his +iron ulster and fight all day on the salary he was getting. She pizened +herself thirty years before Christ, at the age of thirty-nine years, +rather than ride around Rome in a gingham dress as a captive of +Augustus. She died right in haying time, and Augustus said he'd ruther +of lost the best horse in Rome. This is her needle. It was brought to +New York mostly by water, and looks well here in the park. She was said +to be as likely a queen as ever jerked a sceptre over Egypt or any other +place. Everybody that saw her reign said that the country never had a +magneticker queen."</p> + +<p>As we rode swiftly along, the slight, girlish figure of a middle-aged +woman might have been seen striving hurriedly to cross the driveway. She +screamed and beckoned to a park policeman, who rushed leisurely in and +caught her by the arm, rescuing her from the cruel feet of our mad +chargers, and then led her to a seat. As we paused to ask the policeman +if the lady had been injured, he came up to the side of the carriage and +whispered to me behind his hand: "That woman I have res<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span>cued between +thirty and forty times this year, and it is only the first of July. +Every pleasant day she comes here to be rescued. One day, when business +was a little dull and we didn't have any teams on the drive, and time +seemed to hang heavy on her hands, she told me her sad history. Before +she was eighteen years of age she had been disappointed in love and +prevented from marrying her heart's choice, owing to the fact that the +idea of the union did not occur to him. He was not, in fact, a union +man. Time passed on, from time to time, glad spring, and bobolinks, and +light underwear succeeded stern winter, frost, and heavy flannels, and +yet he cometh not, she sayed. No one had ever caught her in his great +strong arms in a quick embrace that seemed to scrunch her whole being. +Summer came and went. The dews on the upland succeeded the frost on the +pumpkin. The grand ratification of the partridge ushered in the wail of +the turtle dove and the brief plunk of the muskrat in the gloaming. And +yet no man had ever dast to come right out and pay attention to her or +keep company<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> with her. She had an emotional nature that just seemed to +get up on its hind feet and pant for recognition and love. She could +have almost loved a well-to-do man who had, perhaps, sinned a few times, +but even the tough and erring went elsewhere to repent. One day she came +to town to do some trading. She had priced seven dollars and fifty +cents' worth of goods, and was just crossing Broadway to price some +more, when the gay equipage of a wealthy humorist, with silver chains on +the neck-yoke and foam-flecks acrost the bosom of the nigh +hoss, came plunging down the street.</p> + +<p>"The red nostrils of the spirited brutes were above her. Their hot +breath scorched the back of her neck and swayed the red-flannel +pompon on her bonnet. Every one on Broadway held his +breath, with the exception of a man on the front stoop of the Castor +House, whose breath had got beyond his control. Every one was horrified +and turned away with a shudder, which rattled the telegraph wires for +two blocks.</p> + +<p>"Just then a strong, brave policeman rushed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> in and knocked down both +horses and the driver, together with his salary. He caught the woman up +as though she had been no more than a feather's weight. He bore her away +to the post-office pavement, where it is still the custom to carry +people who are run over and mangled. He then sought to put her down, +but, like a bad oyster, she would not be put down. She still clung about +his neck, like the old party who got acquainted with Sinbad the Sailor, +though, of course, in a different manner. It took quite a while to shake +her off. The next day she came back and was almost killed at the same +crossing. It went on that way until the policeman had his beat changed +to another part of town. Finally, she came up here to get her summer +rescuing done. I do it when it falls to my lot, but my heart is not in +the work. Sometimes the horrible thought comes over me that I may be too +late. Several times I have tried to be too late, but I haven't the heart +to do it."</p> + +<p>He then walked to a sparrow that refused to keep off the grass and +brained it with his club.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="HINTS_TO_THE_TRAVELER" id="HINTS_TO_THE_TRAVELER"></a>HINTS TO THE TRAVELER</h2> + +<h3>XX</h3> + + +<p>Every thinkful student has doubtless noticed that when he enters the +office, or autograph department, of an American inn, a lithe and alert +male person seizes his valise or traveling-bag with much earnestness. He +then conveys it to some sequestered spot and does not again return. He +is the porter of the hotel or inn. He may be a modest porter just +starting out, or he may be a swollen and purse-proud porter with silver +in his hair and also in his pocket.</p> + +<p>I speak of the porter and his humble lot in order to show the average +American boy who may read these lines that humor is not the only thing +in America which yields large dividends on a very small capital. To be a +porter does not require great genius, or education, or intellectual +versatility; and yet, well at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span>tended to, the business is remunerative in +the extreme and often brings excellent returns. It shows that any +American boy who does faithfully and well the work assigned to him may +become well-to-do and prosperous.</p> + +<p>Recently I shook hands with a conductor on the Milwaukee and St. Paul +Railroad, who is the president of a bank. There is a general impression +in the public mind that conductors all die poor, but here is "Jerry," as +everybody calls him, a man of forty-five years of age, perhaps, with a +long head of whiskers and the pleasant position of president of a bank. +As he thoughtfully slams the doors from car to car, collecting fares on +children who are no longer young and whose parents seek to conceal them +under the seats, or as he goes from passenger to passenger sticking +large blue checks in their new silk hats, and otherwise taking advantage +of people, he is sustained and soothed by the blessed thought that he +has done the best he could, and that some day when the summons comes to +lay aside his loud-smelling lantern and make his last run, he will leave +his dear<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> ones provided for. Perhaps I ought to add that during all +these years of Jerry's prosperity the road has also managed to keep the +wolf from the door. I mention it because it is so rare for the conductor +and the road to make money at the same time.</p> + +<p>I knew a conductor on the Union Pacific railroad, some years ago, who +used to make a great deal of money, but he did not invest wisely, and so +to-day is not the president of a bank. He made a great deal of money in +one way or another while on his run, but the man with whom he was wont +to play poker in the evening is now the president of the bank. The +conductor is in the purée.</p> + +<p>It was in Minneapolis that Mr. Cleveland was once injudicious. He and +his wife were pained to read the following report of their conversation +in the paper on the day after their visit to the flour city:</p> + +<p>"Yes, I like the town pretty well, but the people, some of 'em, are too +blamed fresh."</p> + +<p>"Do you think so, Grover? I thought they were very nice, indeed, but +still I think<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> I like St. Paul the best. It is so old and respectable."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, respectability is good enough in its place, but it can be +overdone. I like Washington, where respectability is not made a hobby."</p> + +<p>"But are you not enjoying yourself here, honey?"</p> + +<p>"No, I am not. To tell you the truth, I am very unhappy. I'm so scared +for fear I'll say something about the place that will be used against me +by the St. Paul folks, that I most wish I was dead, and everybody wants +to show me the new bridge and the waterworks, and speak of 'our great +and phenomenal growth,' and show me the population statistics, and the +school-house, and the Washburn residence, and Doc Ames and Ole +Forgerson, and the saw-mill, and the boom, and then walk me up into the +thirteenth story of a flour mill and pour corn meal down my back, and +show me the wonderful increase of the city debt and the sewerage, and +the West Hotel, and the glorious ozone and things here, that it makes me +tired. And I have to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> look happy and shake hands and say it knocks St. +Paul silly, while I don't think so at all, and I wish I could do +something besides be president for a couple of weeks, and quit lying +almost entirely, except when I go a-fishing."</p> + +<p>"But don't you think the people here are very cordial, dawling?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, they're too cordial for me altogether. Instead of talking about +the wonderful hit I have made as a president and calling attention to my +remarkable administration, they talk about the flour output and the +electric plant and other crops here, and allude feelingly to 'number one +hard' and chintz bugs and other flora and fauna of this country, which, +to be honest with you, I do not and never did give a damn for."</p> + +<p>"Grover!"</p> + +<p>"Well, I beg your pardon, dear, and I oughtn't to speak that way before +you, but if you knew how much better I feel now you would not speak so +harshly to me. It is indeed hard to be ever gay and joyous before the +great masses who as a general<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> thing, do not know enough to pound sand, +but who are still vested with the divine right of suffrage, and so must +be treated gently, and loved and smiled at till it makes me ache."</p> + +<p>Mr. Cleveland was greatly annoyed by the publication of this +conversation, and could not understand it until this fall, when a +Minneapolis man told him that the pale, haughty coachman who drove the +presidential carriage was a reporter. He could handle a team with one +hand and remember things with the other.</p> + +<p>And so I say that as a president we can not be too careful what we say. +I hope that the little boys and girls who read this, and who may +hereafter become presidents or wives of presidents, will bear this in +mind, and always have a kind word for one and all, whether they feel +that way or not.</p> + +<p>But I started out to speak of porters and not reporters. I carry with +me, this year, a small, sorrel bag, weighing a little over twenty +ounces. It contains a slight bottle of horse medicine and a powder rag. +Some<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>times it also contains a costly robe de nuit, when I do not forget +and leave said robe in a sleeping car or hotel. I am not overdrawing +this matter, however, when I say honestly that the shrill cry of fire at +night in most any hotel in the United States would now bring to the +fire-escape from one to six employes of said hotel wearing these costly +vestments with my brief but imperishable name engraven on the bosom.</p> + +<p>This little traveling bag, which is not larger than a man's hand, is +rudely pulled out of my grasp as I enter an inn, and it has cost me $29 +to get it back again from the porter. Besides, I have paid $8.35 for new +handles to replace those that have been torn off in frantic scuffles +between the porter and myself to see which would get away with it.</p> + +<p>Yesterday I was talking with a reformed lecturer about this peculiarity +of the porters. He said he used to lecture a great deal at moderate +prices throughout the country, and after ten years of earnest toil he +was enabled to retire with a rich experience and $9 in money. He +lectured on phrenology and took<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> his meals with the chairman of the +lecture committee. In Ouray, Colorado, the baggageman allowed his trunk +to fall from a great height, and so the lid was knocked off and the bust +which the professor used in his lecture was busted. He therefore had to +borrow a bald-headed man to act as bust for him in the evening. After +the close of the lecture the professor found that the bust had stolen +the gross receipts from his coat tail pocket while he was lecturing. The +only improbable feature about this story is the implication that a +bald-headed man would commit a crime.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"> +<a name="illus194" id="illus194"></a> +<img src="images/i219.jpg" width="430" height="550" alt="He therefore had to borrow a bald-headed man to act as +bust for him in the evening" title="" /> +<span class="caption">He therefore had to borrow a bald-headed man to act as +bust for him in the evening (Page 194)</span> +</div> + + +<p>But still he did not become soured. He pressed on and lectured to the +gentle janitors of the land in piercing tones. He was always kind to +every one, even when people criticised his lecture and went away before +he got through. He forgave them and paid his bills just the same as he +did when people liked him.</p> + +<p>Once a newspaper man did him a great wrong by saying that "the lecture +was decayed, and that the professor would endear<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> himself to every one +if some night at his hotel, instead of blowing out the gas and turning +off his brains as he usually did, he would just turn off the gas and +blow out his brains." But the professor did not go to the newspaper +man's office and shoot holes in his person. He spoke kindly to him +always, and once when the two met in a barber shop, and it was doubtful +which was "next," as they came in from opposite ends of the room, the +professor gently yielded the chair to the man who had done him the great +wrong, and while the barber was shaving him eleven tons of ceiling +peeled off and fell on the editor who had been so cruel and so rude, and +when they gathered up the debris, a day or two afterward, it was almost +impossible to tell which was ceiling and which was remains.</p> + + +<p>So it is always best to deal gently with the erring, especially if you +think it will be fatal to them.</p> + +<p>The reformed lecturer also spoke of a discovery he made, which I had +never heard of before. He began, during the closing years of his tour, +to notice mysterious marks<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> on his trunk, made with chalk generally, and +so, during his leisure hours, he investigated them and their cause and +effect. He found that they were the symbols of the Independent Order of +Porters and Baggage Bursters. He discovered that it was a species of +language by which one porter informed the next, without the expense of +telegraphing, what style of man owned the trunk and the prospects for +"touching" him, as one might say.</p> + +<p>The professor gave me a few of these signs from an old note-book, +together with his own interpretation after years of close study. I +reproduce them here, because I know they will interest the reader as +they did me.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;"> +<img src="images/i221.jpg" width="250" height="241" alt="" title="sign" /> +</div> + +<p>This trunk, if handled gently and then carefully unstrapped in the +owner's room, so as to open comfortably without bursting the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> wall or +giving the owner vertigo, is good for a quarter.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 241px;"> +<img src="images/i222top.jpg" width="241" height="250" alt="" title="sign" /> +</div> + +<p>This man is a good, kind-hearted man generally, but will sometimes +escape. Better not let him have his hand baggage till he puts up.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 178px;"> +<img src="images/i222bottom.jpg" width="178" height="250" alt="" title="sign" /> +</div> + +<p>This trunk belongs to a woman who may possibly thank you if you handle +the baggage gently and will weep if you knock the lid off.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> Kind words +can never die. (N. B. Nyether can they procure groceries.)</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 137px;"> +<img src="images/i223top.jpg" width="137" height="250" alt="" title="sign" /> +</div> + +<p>This trunk belongs to a traveling man who weighs 211 pounds. If you have +no respect for the blamed old fire-proof safe itself, please respect it +for its gentle owner's sake. He can not bear to have his trunk harshly +treated, and he might so far forget himself as to kill you. It is better +to be alive and poor than it is to be wealthy and dead. It is better to +do a kind act for a fellow-being than it is to leave a desirable widow +for some one else to marry.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 258px;"> +<img src="images/i223bottom.jpg" width="258" height="300" alt="" title="sign" /> +</div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span></p> + +<p>If you will knock the top off this trunk you will discover the clothing +of a mean man. In case you can not knock the lid entirely off, burst it +open a little so that the great, restless, seething traveling public can +see how many hotel napkins and towels and cakes of soap he has stolen.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 177px;"> +<img src="images/i224.jpg" width="177" height="250" alt="" title="sign" /> +</div> + +<p>This is the trunk of a young girl, and contains the poor but honest garb +she wore when she ran away from home. Also the gay clothes she bought +after a wicked ambition had poisoned her simple heart. They are the +gaudy garments and flashy trappings for which she exchanged her honest +laugh and her bright and beautiful youth. Handle gently the poor little +trunk, as you would<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> touch her sad little history, for her father is in +the second-class coach, weeping softly into his coarse red handkerchief, +and she, herself, is going home on the same train in her cheap little +coffin in the baggage car to meet her sorrowing mother, who will go up +into the garret many rainy afternoons in the days to come, to cry over +this poor little trunk and no one will know about it. It will be a +secret known only to her sorrowing heart and to God.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_MEDIEVAL_DISCOVERER" id="A_MEDIEVAL_DISCOVERER"></a>A MEDIEVAL DISCOVERER</h2> + +<h3>XXI</h3> + + +<p>Galilei, commonly called Galileo, was born at Pisa on the 14th day of +February, 1564. He was the man who discovered some of the fundamental +principles governing the movements, habits, and personal peculiarities +of the earth. He discovered things with marvelous fluency. Born as he +was, at a time when the rotary motion of the earth was still in its +infancy and astronomy was taught only in a crude way, Galileo started in +to make a few discoveries and advance some theories of which he was very +fond.</p> + +<p>He was the son of a musician and learned to play several instruments +himself, but not in such a way as to arouse the jealousy of the great +musicians of his day. They came and heard him play a few selections, and +then they went home contented with their own music.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> Galileo played for +several years in a band at Pisa, and people who heard him said that his +manner of gazing out over the Pisan hills with a far-away look in his +eye after playing a selection, while he gently up-ended his alto horn +and worked the mud-valve as he poured out about a pint of moist melody +that had accumulated in the flues of the instrument, was simply grand.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 415px;"> +<a name="illus202" id="illus202"></a> +<img src="images/i228.jpg" width="415" height="550" alt="It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a +lamp in a church" title="" /> +<span class="caption">It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a +lamp in a church, and observing that the oscillations were of equal +duration (Page 202)</span> +</div> + +<p>At the age of twenty Galileo began to discover. His first discoveries +were, of course, clumsy and poorly made, but very soon he commenced to +turn out neat and durable discoveries that would stand for years.</p> + +<p>It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a lamp in a church, +and, observing that the oscillations were of equal duration, he inferred +that this principle might be utilized in the exact measurement of time. +From this little accident, years after, came the clock, one of the most +useful of man's dumb friends. And yet there are people who will read +this little incident and still hesitate about going to church.</p> + + + +<p>Galileo also invented the thermometer, the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> microscope and the +proportional compass. He seemed to invent things not for the money to be +obtained in that way, but solely for the joy of being first on the +ground. He was a man of infinite genius and perseverance. He was also +very fair in his treatment of other inventors. Though he did not +personally invent the rotary motion of the earth, he heartily indorsed +it and said it was a good thing. He also came out in a card in which he +said that he believed it to be a good thing, and that he hoped some day +to see it applied to the other planets.</p> + +<p>He was also the inventor of a telescope that had a magnifying power of +thirty times. He presented this to the Venetian senate, and it was used +in making appropriations for river and harbor improvements.</p> + +<p>By telescopic investigation Galileo discovered the presence of microbes +in the moon, but was unable to do anything for it. I have spoken of Mr. +Galileo, informally calling him by his first name, all the way through +this article, for I feel so thoroughly acquainted with him, though there +was such a striking<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> difference in our ages, that I think I am justified +in using his given name while talking of him.</p> + +<p>Galileo also sat up nights and visited with Venus through a long +telescope which he had made himself from an old bamboo fishing-rod.</p> + +<p>But astronomy is a very enervating branch of science. Galileo frequently +came down to breakfast with red, heavy eyes, eyes that were swollen full +of unshed tears. Still he persevered. Day after day he worked and +toiled. Year after year he went on with his task till he had worked out +in his own mind the satellites of Jupiter and placed a small tin tag on +each one, so that he would know it readily when he saw it again. Then he +began to look up Saturn's rings and investigate the freckles on the sun. +He did not stop at trifles, but went bravely on till everybody came for +miles to look at him and get him to write something funny in their +autograph albums. It was not an unusual thing for Galileo to get up in +the morning, after a wearisome night with a fretful, new-<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>born star, to +find his front yard full of albums. Some of them were little red albums +with floral decorations on them, while others were the large plush and +alligator albums of the affluent. Some were new and had the price-mark +still on them, while others were old, foundered albums, with a droop in +the back and little flecks of egg and gravy on the title-page. All came +with a request for Galileo "to write a little, witty, characteristic +sentiment in them."</p> + +<p>Galileo was the author of the hydrostatic paradox and other sketches. He +was a great reader and a fluent penman. One time he was absent from +home, lecturing in Venice for the benefit of the United Aggregation of +Mutual Admirers, and did not return for two weeks, so that when he got +back he found the front room full of autograph albums. It is said that +he then demonstrated his great fluency and readiness as a thinker and +writer. He waded through the entire lot in two days with only two men +from West Pisa to assist him. Galileo came out of it fresh and youthful, +and all of the following night he was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> closeted with another inventor, a +wicker-covered microscope, and a bologna sausage. The investigations +were carried on for two weeks, after which Galileo went out to the +inebriate asylum and discovered some new styles of reptiles.</p> + +<p>Galileo was the author of a little work called "I Discarsi e +Dimas-Trazioni Matematiche Intorus a Due Muove Scienze." It was a neat +little book, of about the medium height, and sold well on the trains, +for the Pisan newsboys on the cars were very affable, as they are now, +and when they came and leaned an armful of these books on a passenger's +leg and poured into his ear a long tale about the wonderful beauty of +the work, and then pulled in the name of the book from the rear of the +last car, where it had been hanging on behind, the passenger would most +always buy it and enough of the name to wrap it up in.</p> + +<p>He also discovered the isochronism of the pendulum. He saw that the +pendulum at certain seasons of the year looked yellow under the eyes, +and that it drooped and did<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> not enter into its work with the old zest. +He began to study the case with the aid of his new bamboo telescope and +a wicker-covered microscope. As a result, in ten days he had the +pendulum on its feet again.</p> + +<p>Galileo was inclined to be liberal in his religious views, more +especially in the matter of the Scriptures, claiming that there were +passages in the Bible which did not literally mean what the translator +said they did. This was where Galileo missed it. So long as he +discovered stars and isochronisms and such things as that, he succeeded, +but when he began to fool with other people's religious beliefs he got +into trouble. He was forced to fly from Pisa, we are told by the +historian, and we are assured at the same time that Galileo, who had +always been far, far ahead of all competitors in other things, was +equally successful as a fleer.</p> + +<p>Galileo received but sixty scudi per year as his salary while at Pisa, +and a part of that he took in town orders, worth only sixty cents on the +scudi.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="HOW_TO_PICK_OUT_A_BIRTHPLACE" id="HOW_TO_PICK_OUT_A_BIRTHPLACE"></a>HOW TO PICK OUT A BIRTHPLACE</h2> + +<h3>XXII</h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 214px;"> +<img src="images/i236.jpg" width="214" height="250" alt="" title="house" /> +</div> +<p>Every American youth has been told repeatedly by his parents and his +teachers that he must be a good boy and an exemplary young man in order +to become the president of the United States. There is nothing new in +this statement, and I do not print it because I regard it in the light +of a "scoop." But I desire to go a trifle further, and call the +attention of the American youth to the fact that he must begin at a much +earlier date to prepare himself for the presidency than has been +generally taught. He must not only acquire all the knowledge within +reach, and guard his moral character night and day through life, or at +least up to the time of his election, but he must be a self-made man, +and he should also use the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> utmost care and discretion in the selection +of his birthplace.</p> + +<p>A boy may thoughtlessly select the wrong state, or even a foreign +country, as the site for his birthplace, and then the most exemplary +life will not avail him. But hardest of all, perhaps, for one who +aspires to the highest office within the gift of the people, is the +selection of a house in which to be born. For this reason I have +selected a few specimen birthplaces for the guidance of those who may be +ignorant of the points which should be possessed by a birthplace.</p> + +<p>Take, for instance, the residence of Andrew Jackson. No one has ever +retained a stronger hold upon the tendrils of the Democratic heart than +Andrew Jackson. His name appears more frequently to-day in papers for +which he never subscribed than that of any other president who has +passed away.</p> + + + +<p>Andrew Jackson was a poor boy, whose father was a farm laborer and died +before Andrew's birth, thus leaving the boy perfectly free to choose the +site of his birthplace.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span></p> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 432px;"> +<a name="illus210" id="illus210"></a> +<img src="images/i237.jpg" width="432" height="550" alt="Here Andrew turned the grindstone in the shed, while a +large" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Here Andrew turned the grindstone in the shed, while a +large, heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour or two (Page 210)</span> +</div> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 214px;"> +<img src="images/i236.jpg" width="214" height="250" alt="" title="house" /> +</div> +<p>He did not care much about books, but felt confident at the start that +he had chosen a good place to be born at, and therefore could not be +defeated in his race for the presidency. Here in this house A. Jackson +first saw the light, and here his excellency sent up his first +Democratic whoop. Here, on the back stoop, was where he was sent +sorrowing at night to wash his chapped feet with soft soap before his +mother would allow him to go to bed. Here Andrew turned the grindstone +in the shed, while a large, heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour +or two. Here the future president sprouted potatoes in the dark and +noisome cellar, while other boys, who cared nothing for the presidency, +drowned out woodchucks and sucked eggs in open defiance of the pulpit +and press of the country.</p> + + + +<p>And yet, what a quiet, peaceful, unostentatious home, with its little +windows opening out upon the snow in winter and upon bare ground in +summer. How peaceful it looks!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> Who would believe that up in the dark +corner of the gable end it harbors a large iron-gray hornets' nest with +brocaded hornets in it? And still it is so quiet that, on hot summer +afternoons, while the bees are buzzing around the petunias and the +regular breathing of the sandy-colored shoat in the back lot shows that +all nature is hushed and drugged into a deep and oppressive repose, the +old hen, lulled into a sense of false security, walks into the "setting +room," eats the seeds out of several everlasting flowers, samples a few +varnished acorns on an ornamental photograph frame in the corner, and +then goes out to the kitchen, where she steps into the dough that is set +behind the stove to raise.</p> + +<p>Here in this quiet home, far from the enervating poussé café and carte +blanche, where he had pork rind tied on the outside of his neck for sore +throat, and where pepper, New Orleans molasses and vinegar, together +with other groceries calculated to discourage illness, were put inside, +he laid the foundation of his future greatness.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 214px;"> +<img src="images/i236.jpg" width="214" height="250" alt="" title="house" /> +</div> +<p>Later on, the fever of ambition came upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> him, and he taught school +where the big girls snickered at him and the big boys went so far away +at noon that they couldn't hear the bell and were glad of it, and came +back an hour late with water in both ears and crawfish in their pockets.</p> + +<p>After that he learned to be a saddler, fought in the Revolutionary War, +afterward writing it up for the papers in a graphic way, showing how it +happened that most everybody was killed but himself.</p> + +<p>Here the reader is given an excellent view of the birthplace of +President Lincoln.</p> + + + +<p>The artist has very wisely left out of the picture several people who +sought to hand themselves down to posterity by being photographed in +various careless attitudes in the foreground.</p> + +<p>In this house Mr. Lincoln determined to establish for himself a +birthplace and to remain for eight years afterwards. In fancy, the +reader can see little Abraham running<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> about the humble cot, preceded by +his pale, straw-colored Kentucky dog, or perhaps standing in "the +branch," with the soothing mud squirting gently up between his dimpled +toes.</p> + +<p>Here a great heart first learned to beat in unison with all humanity. +Late one night, after the janitor had retired, he pulled the +latch-string of this humble place and asked if the proprietor objected +to children. Learning that he did not, the little emancipator deposited +on the desk a small parcel consisting of several rectangular cotton +garments done up in a shawl-strap, and asked for a room with a bath.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 214px;"> +<img src="images/i236.jpg" width="214" height="250" alt="" title="house" /> +</div> + +<p>Our next illustration shows the birthplace of President Garfield. He was +born plainly at Orange, Cuyahoga county, Ohio. Here he spent his +childhood in preparing for the presidency, lying on his stomach for +hours by the light of a pine-knot, studying all about the tariff, and +ascertaining how many would remain if Will<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span>iam had seven apples and gave +three to Henry and two to Jane. He soon afterward went to work on a +canal as boatswain of a mule. It was here he learned that profanity +could be carried to excess. He very early found that by coupling the +mule to the boat by the use of a cistern pole, instead of coming into +direct contact with the accursed yet buoyant end of the animal, he could +bring with him a better record to the class-meeting than otherwise. He +then taught school, and was beloved by all as a tutor. Many of his +pupils grew up to be ornaments to society, and said they had never seen +tuting that could equal that of their old tutor.</p> + +<p>Mr. Garfield availed himself of the above birthplace on the 19th of +November, A. D. 1831. He then utilized it as a residence.</p> + +<p>Here we are given a fine view of the birthplace of President Cleveland. +It is a plain structure, containing windows through which those who are +inside may look out, while those who are on the outside may readily look +in.</p> + + + +<p>Under this roof the idea first came to Mr. Cleveland that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> some day he +might fill the presidential chair to overflowing. If the reader will go +around to the door of the shed on the other side of the house, he will +see little Grover just coming out and wiping his mouth with the back of +his hand.</p> + +<p>On the door of the barn can be seen the following legend, scratched on +its surface with a nail:</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"I druther be born lucky than blong to a nold Ristocratic fambly.</span><br /> +</p> +<p class="author">S. G. C." +</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 214px;"> +<img src="images/i236.jpg" width="214" height="250" alt="" title="house" /> +</div> + +<p>Here we have an excellent view of Mr. Harrison's birthplace from the +main road. It hardly seems possible that a man who now lives in a large +house, with a spare room to it, gas in all parts of it, and wool carpets +on the floor, should have once lived in such a plain structure as this. +It shows that America is the place for the poor boy. Here he can rise to +a great height by his own powers. Little did Bennie think at one time +that people would some day come from all quarters of the United<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> States +to see him and take him kindly by the hand and say that they were well +acquainted with his folks when they were poor.</p> + +<p>These various birthplaces prove to us what style is best calculated for +a presidential candidate. They demonstrate that poverty is no drawback, +and that frequently it is a good stimulant for the right kind of a boy. +I once knew a poor boy whose clothes did not fit him very well when he +was little, and now that he is grown up it is the same way.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 214px;"> +<img src="images/i236.jpg" width="214" height="250" alt="" title="house" /> +</div> + +<p>That poor boy was myself. But I can not close this research without +saying that the boys alone can not claim the glory in America. The girls +are entitled to recognition.</p> + + + +<p>Permit me, therefore, to present the birthplace of Belva A. Lockwood. I +do not speak of it because I desire to treat the matter lightly, but to +call attention to little Belva's sagacity in selecting the same style of +birthplace as that chosen by other presidential candidates. She very +truly said in the course of a conversation with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> the writer: "My theory +as to the selection of a birthplace is, first be sure you are right and +then go ahead."</p> + +<p>We should learn from all the above that a humble origin does not prevent +a successful career. Had Abraham Lincoln been wealthy, he would have +been taught, perhaps, a style of elocution and gesture that would have +taken first rate at a parlor entertainment, and yet he might never have +made his Gettysburg speech. While he was president he never looked at +his own hard hands and knotted knuckles that he was not reminded of his +toiling neighbors, whose honest sweat and loyal blood had made this +mighty republic a source of glory and not of shame forever.</p> + +<p>So, in the future, whether it be a Grover, a Benjamin, or a Belva, may +the President of the United States be ever ready to remove the cotton +from his ears at the first cry of the oppressed and deserving poor.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="ON_BROADWAY" id="ON_BROADWAY"></a>ON BROADWAY</h2> + +<h3>XXIII</h3> + + +<p>Once when in New York I observed a middle-aged man remove his coat at +the corner of Fulton street and Broadway and wipe the shoulders thereof +with a large red handkerchief of the Thurman brand. There was a dash of +mud in his whiskers and a crick in his back. He had just sought to cross +Broadway, and the disappointed ambulance had gone up street to answer +another call. He was a plain man with a limited vocabulary, but he spoke +feelingly. I asked him if I could be of any service to him, and he said +No, not especially, unless I would be kind enough to go up under the +back of his vest and see if I could find the end of his suspender. I did +that and then held his coat for him while he got in it again. He +after<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span>ward walked down the east side of Broadway with me.</p> + + + +<p>"That's twice I've tried to git acrost to take the Cortlandt street +ferry boat sence one o'clock, and hed to give it up both times," he +said, after he had secured his breath.</p> + +<p>"So you don't live in town?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir, I don't, and there won't be anybody else livin' in town, +either, if they let them crazy teamsters run things. Look at my coat! +I've wiped the noses of seventy-nine single horses and eleven double +teams sence one o'clock, and my vitals is all a perfect jell. I bet if I +was hauled up right now to be postmortumed the rear breadths of my liver +would be a sight to behold."</p> + +<p>"Why didn't you get a policeman to escort you across?"</p> + +<p>"Why, condemb it, I did futher up the street, and when I left him the +policeman reckoned his collar-bone was broke. It's a blamed outrage, I +think. They say that a man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor +of Boston, but my idee is that he's a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> heap more likely to be mayor of +the New Jerusalem."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 367px;"> +<a name="illus220" id="illus220"></a> +<img src="images/i246.jpg" width="367" height="550" alt="A man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor of +Boston" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor of +Boston, but my idee is that he's a heap more likely to be mayor of New +Jerusalem (Page 220)</span> +</div> + +<p>"Where do you live, anyway?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I live near Pittsburg, P. A., where business is active enough to +suit 'most anybody, 'specially when a man tries to blow out a +natural-gast well, but we make our teamsters subservient to the +Constitution of the United States. We don't allow this Juggernaut +business the way you fellers do. There a man would drive clear round the +block ruther than to kill a child, say nuthin of a grown person. Here +the hubs and fellers of these big drays and trucks are mussed up all the +time with the fragments of your best people. Look at me. What +encouragement is there for a man to come here and trade? Folks that live +here tell me that they do most of their business by telephone in the +daytime, and then do their runnin' around at night, but I've got apast +that. Time was when I could run around nights and then mow all day, but +I can't do it now. People that leads a suddentary life, I s'pose, +demands excitement, and at night they will have their fun; but take<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> a +man like me—he wants to transact his business in the daytime by word o' +mouth, and then go to bed. He don't want to go home at 3 o'clock with a +plug hat full of digestive organs that he never can possibly put back +just where they was before.</p> + +<p>"No, I don't want to run down a big city like New York and nuther do I +want to be run down myself. They tell me I can go up town on this side +and take the boat so as to get to Jersey City that way, and I'm going to +do it ruther than to go home with a neck yoke run through me. Folks say +that Jurden is a hard road to travel, but I'm positive that a man would +get jerked up and fined for driving as fast there as they do on +Broadway; and then another thing, I s'pose there's a good deal less +traffic over the road."</p> + +<p>He then went down Wall street to the Hanover Square station and I saw +him no more.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="MY_TRIP_TO_DIXIE" id="MY_TRIP_TO_DIXIE"></a>MY TRIP TO DIXIE</h2> + +<h3>XXIV</h3> + + +<p>I once took quite a long railway trip into the South in search of my +health. I called my physicians together, and they decided by a rising +vote that I ought to go to a warmer clime, or I should enjoy very poor +health all winter. So I decided to go in search of my health, if I died +on the trail.</p> + +<p>I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale, sallow liar, who is just +beginning to work his way up to the forty-ninth degree in the Order of +Ananias. He will surely be heard from again some day, as he has the +elements that go to make up a successful prevaricator.</p> + +<p>He said that I could go through from Cincinnati to Asheville, North +Carolina, with only one easy change of cars, and in about twenty-three +hours. It took me twice that time, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> I had to change cars three times +in the dead of night.</p> + +<p>The southern railroad is not in a flourishing condition. It ought to go +somewhere for its health. Anyway, it ought to go somewhere, which at +present it does not. According to the old Latin proverb, I presume we +should say nothing but good of the dead, but I am here to say that the +railroad that knocked my spine loose last week, and compelled me to +carry lunch baskets and large Norman two-year-old gripsacks through the +gloaming, till my arms hung down to the ground, does not deserve to be +treated well, even after death.</p> + +<p>I do not feel any antipathy toward the South, for I did not take any +part in the war, remaining in Canada during the whole time, and so I can +not now be accused of offensive partisanship. I have always avoided +anything that would look like a settled conviction in any of these +matters, retaining always a fair, unpartisan and neutral idiocy in +relation to all national affairs, so that I might be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> regarded as a good +civil service reformer, and perhaps at some time hold an office.</p> + +<p>To further illustrate how fair-minded I am in these matters, I may say I +have patiently read all the war articles written by both sides, and I +have not tried to dodge the foot-notes or the marginal references, or +the war maps or the memoranda. I have read all these things until I +can't tell who was victorious, and if that is not a fair and impartial +way to look at the war, I don't know how to proceed in order to +eradicate my prejudices.</p> + +<p>But a railroad is not a political or sectional matter, and it ought not +to be a local matter unless the train stays at one end of the line all +the time. This road, however, is the one that discharged its engineer +some years ago, and when he took his time-check he said he would now go +to work for a sure-enough road with real iron rails to it, instead of +two streaks of rust on a right of way.</p> + +<p>All night long, except when we were changing cars, we rattled along over +wobbling trestles and third mortgages. The cars<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> were graded from +third-class down. The road itself was not graded at all.</p> + +<p>They have the same old air in these coaches that they started out with. +Different people, with various styles of breath, have used this air and +then returned it. They are using the same air that they did before the +war. It is not, strictly speaking, a national air. It is more of a +languid air, with dark circles around its eyes.</p> + +<p>At one place where I had an engagement to change cars, we had a wait of +four hours, and I reclined on a hair-cloth lounge at the hotel, with the +intention of sleeping a part of the time.</p> + +<p>Dear, patient reader, did you every try to ride a refractory hair-cloth +lounge all night, bare back? Did you ever get aboard a short, +old-fashioned, black, hair-cloth lounge, with a disposition to buck?</p> + +<p>I was told that this was a kind, family lounge that would not shy or +make trouble anywhere, but I had only just closed my dark-red and +mournful eyes in sleep when this lounge gently humped itself, and shed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span> +me as it would its smooth, dark hair in the spring, tra la.</p> + +<p>The floor caught me in its great strong arms and I vaulted back upon the +polished bosom of the hair-cloth lounge. It was made for a man about +fifty-three inches in length, and so I had to sleep with my feet in my +pistol pockets and my nose in my bosom up to the second joint.</p> + +<p>I got so that I could rise off the floor and climb on the lounge without +waking up. It grew to be second nature to me. I did it just as a man who +is hungry in his sleep bites off large fragments of the air and eats it +involuntarily and smacks his lips and snorts. So I arose and deposited +myself again and again on that old swayback but frolicsome wreck without +waking. But I couldn't get aboard softly enough to avoid waking the +lounge. It would yawn and rumble inside and rise and fall like the deep +rolling sea, till at last I gave up trying to sleep on it any more, and +curled up on the floor.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 392px;"> +<a name="illus222" id="illus222"></a> +<img src="images/i255.jpg" width="392" height="550" alt="I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale," title="" /> +<span class="caption">I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale, sallow liar, +who is just beginning to work his way up to the forty-ninth degree in +the Order of Ananias (Page 222)</span> +</div> + +<p>The hair-cloth lounge, in various conditions of decrepitude, maybe found +all through this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> region. Its true inwardness is composed of spiral +springs which have gnawed through the cloth in many instances. These +springs have lost none of their old elasticity of spirits, and cordially +corkscrew themselves into the affections of the man who sits down on +them. If anything could make me thoroughly attached to the South it +would be one of these spiral springs bored into my person about a foot. +But that is the only way to remain on a hair-cloth chair or sofa. No man +ever successfully sat on one of them for any length of time unless he +had a strong pair of pantaloons and a spiral spring twisted into him for +some distance.</p> + +<p>In private houses hair-cloth sofas may be found in a domesticated state, +with a pair of dark, reserved chairs, waiting for some one to come and +fall off them. In hotels they go in larger flocks, and graze together in +the parlor.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_THOUGHT_CLOTHIER" id="THE_THOUGHT_CLOTHIER"></a>THE THOUGHT CLOTHIER</h2> + +<h3>XXV</h3> + + +<p>General Dado has been sharply criticised—roundly abused, even—for +making a claim against the Grant estate for alleged assistance in +preparing the "Memoirs" that have added to that estate some half-million +of dollars. The Philadelphia <i>Bulletin</i> says:—"There is no mark of +contempt so strong that it ought not to be fixed on so shameless and +unblushing an ingrate." And it is this—the man's ingratitude—that most +offends. General Grant's unswerving loyalty to Dado, his zeal in giving +places to him so long as he had them to give, and in soliciting others +to give them when it was no longer in his own power to do so, was an +offense in the nostrils of most Americans. His intimacy with Dado was +one of the causes of Grant's being in bad odor, as it were, at a certain +period of his career; and the present unpleasantness is a part of the +penalty for taking such a man into his bosom. The claimant is getting +the worst of it, however, and we are tempted to overlook his ingratitude +for the sake of the following skit called forth by his appearance as a +thinker and clothier of thoughts.—<i>The Critic</i>.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span></p> + +<p>There is something slightly pathetic in the delayed statement that some +of General Grant's best thoughts were supplied by General Adam Dado. +While it is a great credit to any man to do the meditating, pondering, +and word-painting necessary for a book which can attain such a sale as +Grant's "Memoirs," it shows a condition of affairs which every literary +man or woman must sadly deplore. Who of us is now safe?</p> + +<p>While the warrior, as a warrior, has nothing to do but continue +victorious through life, he can not safely write a book for posterity. +Literature is at all times more or less hazardous under present +copyright regulations, but it becomes doubly so when our estates have to +reimburse some silent thinker who thought things for us while +amanuensing in our employ. Even though we may have told him not to think +thoughts for us, even though we asked him as a special favor to avoid +putting his own clothing on our poor, little, shivering, naked facts, +there is no law which can prevent his making that claim after we are +dead.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span></p> + +<p>And how can a court of law or an intelligent jury judge such a matter? A +great man thinks a thought in the presence of two amanuenses, provided I +am right in spelling the plural in that way. He thinks a thought, I say, +surrounded by those two gentlemen and an improved typewriter. He gives +utterance to the thought and dies. One of the amanuensisters then states +to the jury that he thought it himself, and that his comrade clothed it. +The estate is then asked to pay so much per think for the thoughts and +so much at war prices for clothing the ideas. Who is able, unless it be +an intelligent jury, to arrive at the truth?</p> + +<p>The first question to ask ourselves is this: Was General Grant in the +habit of calling in a thinker whenever he wanted anything done in that +line? He says distinctly in his letter that he was not. He could not do +it. It was impracticable. Supposing in the crash of battle and in the +moment of victory your short, hard thinker has his head shot off and it +falls in a pumpkin orchard, where there is naturally more or less delay +in identifying it, what<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> can you do? Suppose that you were the president +of the United States, and your think-supply got snow-bound at Newark in +a vestibule train, and congress were waiting for you to veto a bill. You +could not think the thought in the first place, and even if you could +you would hate to send it to congress until it was properly clothed. I +am told that nothing shocks congress so much as the sudden appearance +"in its midst" of a naked and new-born thought.</p> + +<p>But General Dado has the advantage over General Grant in one respect. He +can not be injured much. Otherwise the case is against him. But the +matter will be watched with careful interest by literary people +generally, and especially by soldiers and magazines with a war history. +It is a warning to those who think their thoughts in unguarded moments +while stenographers may be near to take them down and claim them +afterwards. It is also a warning to people who thoughtlessly expose +naked facts in the presence of word-painters and thought-clothiers, who +may<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> decorate and outfit these children of the brain and charge it up to +the estate.</p> + +<p>Is the time coming when general dealers in apparel and gents' furnishing +goods for the use of bare facts, and men who attend to the costuming, +draping, and swaddling of nude ideas, will compete so closely with each +other that, before a think has its eyes fairly open, one of these +gentlemen will slap a suit of clothes on it, with a Waterbury watch in +each pocket, and have a boy half way to the office with the bill?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_RUBBER_ESOPHAGUS" id="A_RUBBER_ESOPHAGUS"></a>A RUBBER ESOPHAGUS.</h2> + +<h3>XXVI</h3> + + +<p>Puget Sound is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful sheets of water in +the world. Its bosom is as unruffled as that of an angel who is opposed +to ruffles on general principles.</p> + +<p>To say that real estate was once active at certain places on its shores +is just simply about as powerful as the remark made by the frontiersman +who came home from his haying one afternoon and found that the Indians +had burned up his buildings, massacred his wife, driven off his milch +cows and killed his children. He looked over the bloody scene and then +said to himself with great feeling; "This, it seems to me, is perfectly +ridiculous."</p> + +<p>I once drove about Seattle for two days with a real estate man, not +buying, but just riding and enjoying the scenery while we al<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span>lowed +prices gently to advance and our whiskers to grow. Finally I asked him +if he knew of a real "snap," as Herbert Spencer would call it, within +the reach of a poor man. He said that there was a bargain out towards +Lake Washington, and if I wanted to see it we could go out there. I said +I should like to see it, for, if really desirable, I might buy some +outside property. We drove quite awhile through the primeval forest, and +after baiting our team and eating some lunch which we had with us, we +resumed our journey, scaring up a bear on the way, which I was assured, +however, was a tame bear. At last we tied the team, and, walking over +the ridge, we found a lot facing west, seventy-three feet front, which +could be had then at $1,500. I don't suppose you could get it at that +price now, for it is within a stone's throw of the power house and cable +running from the city to Lake Washington.</p> + +<p>A friend of mine once told me how he lost a trade in Spokane Falls. He +had the refusal for a week of a twenty-four-foot business lot "at $500." +He thought and worried and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span> prayed over it, and wrote home about it, and +finally decided to take it. On the last day of grace he counted up his +money and finding that he had just the amount, he went over to the +agent's office with it to close the trade.</p> + +<p>"Have you the currency with you to make the trade all cash?" asked the +agent.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, I have the whole $500 in currency," said my friend, drawing +himself up to his full height and putting his cigar back a little +further in his cheek.</p> + +<p>"Five hundred dollars!" exclaimed the agent with a low, gurgling laugh; +"the lot is $500 per front foot. I didn't suppose you were Pan-American +ass enough to think you could get a business lot in Spokane for $500. +You can't get a load of sand for your children to play in at that rate."</p> + +<p>Once as my train passed a little red depot I saw a young squaw leaning +up against the building, and crying. As we moved along I saw a plain +black coffin—a cheap affair of pine, daubed with walnut stain to make +it look still cheaper, I presume. I had never<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> seen an Indian—even a +squaw—weeping before, and so the picture remained with me a long time, +and may for a long time yet to come.</p> + +<p>I've never been a pronounced friend of the Indian, as those who know me +best will agree. I have claimed that though he was first to locate in +this country, he did not develop the lead or do assessment work even, so +the thing was open to re-location. The white man has gone on and found +mineral in many places, made a big output, and is still working day and +night shifts, while the Indian is shiftless day and night, so far as I +have observed.</p> + +<p>But when we see the poor devils buying our coffins for their dead, even +though they may go very hungry for days afterwards, and, as they fade +away forever as a people, striving to conform to our customs and wear +suspenders and join in prayer, common humanity leads us to think +solemnly of their melancholy end.</p> + +<p>On that trip I met with a medical and surgical curiosity while on the +cars. It consisted of a young man who was compelled<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> to take his +nourishment through a rubber tube which led directly into his stomach +through his side. I had heard of something like it and in my extensive +medical library had read of cases resembling it, but not entirely the +same. The conductor, who had shown me a great many little courtesies +already, invited me into the baggage car, where he had the young man, in +order that I might see him.</p> + +<p>The subject was a German about twenty years of age, of dark complexion +and phlegmatic temperament. He stood probably about five feet four +inches high in his stocking feet and did not attract me as a person of +prominence until the conductor informed me that he ate through the side +of his vest.</p> + +<p>It seems that about two years ago the boy had some little gastric +disturbance resulting from eating a nocturnal watermelon or callow +cucumber. As I understand it, he, in an unguarded moment, called a +physician who aimed to be his own worst enemy, but who contrived to work +in the public on the same basis, using no favoritism whatever. He was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> a +doctor who has since gone into the gibbering industry in alcoholic +circles.</p> + +<p>So it happened that on the day he was called to the bedside of this +plain, juvenile colic, the enemy he had taken into his mouth the evening +before had, as a matter of fact, rifled his pseudo-brains, and being +bitterly disappointed in them, had no doubt failed to return them.</p> + +<p>Therefore "Doc," as he was affectionately called by the widowers +throughout the neighborhood, was entirely unfit to prescribe. He did so, +however, just the same. That kind of a doctor is generally willing to +rush in where angels fear to tread. He cheerfully prescribed for the +boy, and, in fact, filled the prescription himself. The principal +ingredient of this compound was carbolic acid. A man who can, by +mistake, administer carbolic acid and not even smell it, must do his +thinking by means of a sort of intellectual wart.</p> + +<p>But he did it, anyhow.</p> + +<p>So, after great suffering, the young fellow lost the use of his entire +esophagus, the lin<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span>ing coming off as a result of this liquid holocaust, +and then afterwards growing together again.</p> + +<p>The parents now decided to change physicians. So after giving "Doc" a +cow and settling up with him, another physician was called in. He said +there was no way to reach the stomach but from the exterior, and, +although hazardous, it might save the patient's life. Speedy action must +be taken, however, as the young man was already getting up quite an +appetite.</p> + +<p>I can imagine Old Man Gastric waiting there patiently, day after day, +every little while looking at his watch, wondering, and singing:</p> + +<p class="center"> +We are waiting, waiting, waiting, +</p> + +<p>Finally, as he sits near the cardial orifice, where the sign has been +recently put up,</p> + +<p class="center"> +<span class="smcap">The Elevator is Not Running</span>, +</p> + +<p>a light bursts through the walls of his house and he hears voices. +Hastily throwing one of the coats of the stomach over his shoulders, he +springs to his feet just in time to catch<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> about a nickel's worth of +warm beef tea down the back of his neck.</p> + +<p>The patient now wears about two feet of inch hose, one end of which is +introduced into the upper and anterior lobe of the stomach. The other he +has embellished with a plain cork stopper. I asked him if he would join +me in a drink of water from the ice-cooler, and he said he would, under +the circumstances. He said that he had just taken one, but would not +mind taking one more with me. He then removed the stopper from his new +Goodyear esophagus, inserted a neat little tin funnel, with which he was +able to introduce the water. It gently settled down and disappeared in +his depths, and then, putting away the garden hose, he accepted a dollar +and gave me a history of the case as I have set it forth above, or +substantially so, at least.</p> + +<p>I could not help thinking of him afterward. I tried to imagine him on +his way to Europe over a stormy sea; the surprise of his stomach when it +found itself frustrated and beaten at its own game, and all that. Then I +thought<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> of him as the honored guest of some great corporation or club, +and at the banquet, when the president, in a few well-chosen words, +apparently born of the moment but really wearing trousers, says, +"Gentlemen, we have with us this evening," etc., etc.; and then rising, +all the members join in a toast to the guest. Touching his glass to +theirs, and then gracefully unreeling his garden hose, he takes from his +pocket the small funnel, and, gently sipping the generous wine through +his tin pharynx, he begins his well-digested response.</p> + +<p>Nature did not do much for this poor lad, but science has stepped in and +made him a man of mark. He went to bed unknown. He awoke to find himself +noted. He went to sleep with ordinary tastes. He arose with no taste at +all. Thus, through the medical treatment of a typhoid idiot, for a +disease which was in no way malignant, or, as I might say, therapeutic, +he became a man of parts and stands next to the nobility of Europe, not +having to work.</p> + +<p>Afterward, in Paris, I saw on the street a man who played the trombone +by means of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> a bullet-hole in his trachea, but I do not think it +elevated me and spurred me on to nobler endeavor and made a better man +of me, as did this simple-hearted young gentleman who made a living by +eating publicly through a tin horn, and who actually earned his bread by +eating it. I hope that the medical fraternity will make his case a study +and try to do better next time. That is the only moral I can think of in +connection with this story.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="ADVICE_TO_A_SON" id="ADVICE_TO_A_SON"></a>ADVICE TO A SON</h2> + +<h3>XXVII</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">My Dear Son</span>: I just came here to New York on business, and thought I +would write to you a few lines, as I have a little time that is not +taken up. I came here on a train from Chicago the other day. Before I +started, I got a lower berth in a sleeping car, but when I went to put +my sachel in it, before I left Chicago, there were two women and a +little girl there, and so I told the porter I would wait until they +moved before I put my baggage in the section, for of course I thought +they were just sitting there for a minute to rest.</p> + +<p>Hours rolled by and they did not move. I kept on sitting in the +smoking-room, but they stayed. By and by the porter came and asked me if +I had "lower four." I said yes—I paid for it, but I couldn't really say +I had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> it in my possession. He then said that two ladies and a little +girl had "upper four," and asked if I would mind swapping with them. I +said that I would do so, for I didn't see how a whole family circle +could climb up into the upper berth and remain there, and I would rather +give them the lower one than spend the night picking up different +members of the family and replacing them in the home nest after they had +fallen out.</p> + +<p>I had a bad cold, and though I knew that sleeping in the upper berth +would add to it, I did not murmur. But little did I realize that they +would hold the whole thing all of two days, and fill it full of broken +crackers and banana peels, and leave me to ride backward in the +smoking-room from Chicago to New York, after I had paid five dollars for +a seat and lower berth.</p> + +<p>Woman is a poor, frail vessel, Henry, but she manages to arrive at her +destination all right. She buys an upper berth and then swaps it with an +old man for his lower berth, giving to boot a half-smothered sob and two +scalding tears. Then she says "Thank you,"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span> if she feels like it at the +end of the road, though these women did not. I have pneuemonia in its +early stages, but I have done a kind act, which I shall probably have +to do over again when I return.</p> + +<p>If you ever become the parent of a daughter, Henry, and you like her +pretty well, I hope you will teach her to acknowledge a courtesy, +instead of looking upon the earth and the fullness thereof as a +partnership property, owned jointly by herself and the Lord.</p> + +<p>A woman who has traveled a good deal is generally polite, and knows how +to treat her fellow passengers and the porter, but people who are making +their first or second trip, I notice, most generally betray the fact by +tramping all over the other passengers.</p> + +<p>Another mistake, Henry, which I hope you will not make, is that of +taking very small children to travel. Children should remain at home +until they are at least two or three days old, otherwise they are +troublesome to their parents and also bother the other passengers. There +ought to be a law, too, that would prevent parents from taking larger<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> +children who should be in the reform school. Some parents seem to think +that what their children do is funny, when, instead of humor, it is +really felony. It does not entirely set matters right, for instance, +when a child has torn off a gentleman's ear, merely to make the child +return it to the owner, for you can never put an ear back in its place +after it has been torn off and stepped on, in such a way as to make it +look the same as it did at first.</p> + +<p>I heard a mother say on the train that her little boy never was quite +himself while traveling, because he wasn't well. She feared it was the +change in the water that made him sick. He had then drank a whole +ice-water tank empty, and was waiting impatiently till we got to +Pittsburg, so that he could drink out of the hydrant.</p> + +<p>Queer people also ride on the elevated trains here in New York. It is a +singular experience to a stranger to ride on these cars. It made me ill +at first, but after awhile I got so mad that I forgot about it. For +instance, at places like Fourteenth street, and Twenty-third street, and +Park Place, there are gener<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span>ally several people who want to get aboard a +little before the passengers get off. Two or three times I was carried +by because the guards wouldn't enforce the rule, and I had a good deal +of trouble, till I took an old pair of Mexican spurs out of my trunk and +strapped them on my elbows. After that I could stroll along Broadway, or +get off a train when I got ready, and have some comfort.</p> + +<p>The gates on the elevated trains get shet rather sudden +sometimes, and once they shet in a part of a man, I was +told, and left the rest of him on the outside, so that after a while he +fell off over the trestle, because there was more of him on the outside +than on the inside, and he didn't seem to balance somehow. It was rare +sport for the guards to watch the man scraping along the side of the +road and sweeping off the right of way.</p> + +<p>One day, when I was on board, there was a crowd at one of the stations, +and an old man and a little girl tried to get on. She was looking out +for the old man, and seemed to kind of steer him on the platform. Just +as he stepped on the train, the guard shut the gate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span> and left the little +girl outside. She looked so scart and pitiful, as the train left her, +that I'll never forget it to my dying day, and as we left the platform I +saw her wring her poor little hands, and I heard her cry, "Oh, mister, +let me go with him. My poor grandpa is blind."</p> + +<p>Sure enough, the old man groped around almost crazy on that swaying +train, without knowing where he was, and feeling through the empty air +for the gentle hand of the little girl who had been left behind. Two or +three of us took care of the old man and got him off at the next +station, where we waited till she came; but it was the most touching +thing I ever saw outside of a book.</p> + +<p>Another day the cars were full till you couldn't seem to get even an +umbrella into the aisle, I thought, but yet the guards told people to +step along lively, and encouraged them by prodding and pinching till +most everybody was fighting mad.</p> + +<p>Then a pale girl, with a bundle of sewing in her hand, and a hollow +cough that made everybody look that way, got into the aisle.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> She could +just barely get hold of the strap, and that was all. She wore a poor, +black cotton jersey, and when she reached up so high, the jersey part +would not stay where it belonged, and at the waist seemed to throw off +all responsibility. She realized it, and bit her lips, and two red spots +came on her pale face, and the tears came into her eyes, but she +couldn't let go of her bundle, and she couldn't let go of the strap, for +already the train threw her against a soiled man on one side and a tough +on the other. It was pitiful enough, so that men who had their seats +began to read advertisements and other things with their papers wrong +side up, in order to seem thoroughly engrossed in their business.</p> + +<p>But two pretty young men, with real good clothes, and white, soft hands, +had a great deal of fun over it, and every time the train would lurch +and throw the poor girl's jersey a little more out of plumb, they would +jab each other in the ribs, and laugh very hearty. I felt sorry that I +wasn't young again, so that I could go over there and kick both of +them.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> Henry, if I thought you would do a thing like that, or allow it +done on the same block where you happened to be, I would give my estate +to a charitable object, and refuse to recognize you in Paradise.</p> + +<p>Just then an oldish man of a chunky build, and with an eye as black as +the driven tomcat, reached through the crowded aisle with his umbrella +and touched the girl. She looked around, and he told her to come and +take his seat. As she squeezed through, and he rose to seat her, a large +man with black whiskers gently dropped into the vacant seat with a sigh +of relief, and began to read a two-year-old paper with much earnestness, +just as if he hadn't noticed the whole performance. The stout man was +thunderstruck. He said:</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, sir; I didn't leave my seat."</p> + +<p>"Yes, you did," says the black-whiskered pachyderm. "You can't expect to +keep a seat here and leave it too."</p> + +<p>"Well, but I rose to put this young lady in it, and I must ask you to be +kind enough to let her have it."</p> + +<p>"Excuse me," said the microbe, with a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> little chuckle of cussedness, +"you will have to take your chances, and wait for a vacant seat, same as +I did."</p> + +<p>That was all the conversation there was, but just then the short fat man +ran his thumb down inside the shirt collar of the yellow fever germ, and +jerked him so high that I could see the nails on the bottoms of his +boots. Then, with the other hand, he socked the young lady into his +seat, and took hold of a strap, where he hung on white and mad, but +victorious.</p> + +<p>After that there was a loud hurrah, and general enthusiasm and hand +clapping, and cries of "Good!" "Good!" and in the midst of it the +sporadic hog and the two refined young men got off the train.</p> + +<p>As the black and white Poland swine went out the door I noticed that +there was blood on the back of his neck, and later on I saw the short, +stout old gentleman remove a large mole or birthmark, which he really +had no use for, from under his thumb nail.</p> + +<p>On a Harlem train, as they call it, I saw a drunken young man in one of +the seats yes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span>terday. He wasn't noisy, but he felt pretty fair. Next to +him was a real good young man, who seemed to feel his superiority a +great deal. Very soon the car got jammed full, and an old lady, poorly +dressed, but a mighty good, motherly old woman, I'll bet a hundred +dollars, got in. Her husband asked the good young man if he would kindly +give his wife a seat. He did not apparently hear at all, but got all +wrapped up in his paper, just as every man in a car does when he is +ashamed of himself. But the inebriated young man heard, and so he said:</p> + +<p>"Here, mister, take my seat for the old lady; any seat is good enough +for me." Whereupon he sat down in the lap of the good young man, and so +remained till he got to his station.</p> + +<p>This is a good town to study human nature in, Henry, and you would do +well to come here before your vacation is over, just to see what kind of +people the Lord allows to encumber the earth. It will show you how many +human brutes there are loose in the world who don't try any longer to +appear<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> decent when they think their identity is swallowed up in the +multitude of a great city. There are just as selfish folks in the +smaller towns, but they are afraid to give themselves up to it, because +somebody in the crowd would be sure to recognize them. Here a man has +the advantage of a perpetual <i>nom de plume</i>, and he is tempted to see +how pusillanimous he can be even when he is just here on a visit. I'm +going home next week, before I completely wreck my immortal soul.</p> + +<p>I left your mother pretty comfortable at home, but I haven't heard from +her since I left.</p> + +<p class="center"> +Your father,</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Bill Nye.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_AUTOMATIC_BELL_BOY" id="THE_AUTOMATIC_BELL_BOY"></a>THE AUTOMATIC BELL BOY</h2> + +<h3>XXVIII</h3> + + +<p>Little did B. Franklin wot when he baited his pin hook with a good +conductor and tapped the low browed and bellowing storm nimbus with his +buoyant kite, thus crudely acquiring a pickle jar of electricity, that +the little start he then made would be the egg from which inventors and +scientists would hatch out the system which now not only encircles the +globe with messages swifter than the flight of Phœbus, but that anon +the light of day would be filtered through a cloud of cables loaded with +destruction sufficient for a whole army, and the air be filled with +death-dealing, dangling wires.</p> + +<p>Little did he know that he was bottling an agent which has since pulled +out the stopper with its teeth and grown till it overspreads the sky, +planting its bare, bleak telegraph poles<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> along every highway, carrying +day messages by night and night messages when it gets ready, filling the +air with its rusty wings—provided, of course, that such agents wear +wings—and with the harsh, metallic, ghoulish laughter of the +signal-key, all the while resting one foot on the neck of the sender and +one on the neck of the recipient, defying aggregated humanity to do its +worst, and commanding all civilization, in terse, well-chosen terms, to +either fish, cut bait or go ashore.</p> + +<p>Could Benjamin have known all this at the time, possibly he might have +considered it wisdom to go in when it rained.</p> + +<p>I am not an old fogy, though I may have that appearance, and I rejoice +to see the world move on. One by one I have laid aside my own +encumbering prejudices in order to keep up with the procession. Have I +not gradually adopted everything that would in any way enhance my +opportunities for advancement, even through tedious evolution, from the +paper collar up to the finger bowl, eyether, and nyether?</p> + +<p>This should convince the reader that I am<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span> not seeking to clog the +wheels of progress. I simply look with apprehension upon any great +centralization of wealth or power in the hands of any one man who not +only does as he pleases with said wealth and power, but who, as I am +informed, does not read my timely suggestions as to how he shall use +them.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 391px;"> +<a name="illus256" id="illus256"></a> +<img src="images/i286.jpg" width="391" height="550" alt="In hotels it will take the mental strain off the +bell-boy" title="" /> +<span class="caption">In hotels it will take the mental strain off the +bell-boy, relieving him also of a portion of his burdensome salary at +the same time (Page 256)</span> +</div> + +<p>To return, however, to the subject of electricity. I have recently +sought to fathom the style and <i>motif</i> of a new system which is to be +introduced into private residences, hotels, and police headquarters. In +private houses it will be used as a burglar's welcome. In hotels it will +take the mental strain off the bell-boy, relieving him also of a portion +of his burdensome salary at the same time. In the police department it +will do almost everything but eat peanuts from the corner stands.</p> + +<p>I saw this system on exhibition in a large room, with the signals or +boxes on one side and the annunciator or central station on the other. +By walking from one to the other, a distance in all of thirty or forty +miles, I was enabled to get a slight idea of the principle.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span></p> + +<p>It is certainly a very intelligent system. I never felt my own +inferiority any more than I did in the presence of this wonderful +invention. It is able to do nearly anything, it seems to me, and the +main drawback appears to be its great versatility, on account of which +it is so complex that in order to become at all intimate with it a +policeman ought to put in two years at Yale and at least a year at +Leipsic. An extended course of study would perfect him in this line, but +he would not then be content to act as a policeman. He would aspire to +be a scientist, with dandruff on his coat collar and a far-away look in +his eye.</p> + +<p>Then, again, take the hotel scheme, for instance. We go to a dial which +is marked Room 32. There we find that by treating it in a certain way it +will announce to the clerk that Room 32 wants a fire, ice-water, pens, +ink, paper, lemons, towels, fire-escape, Milwaukee Sec, pillow-shams, a +copy of this book, menu, croton frappé, carriage, laundry, physician, +sleeping-car ticket, berth-mark for same, Halford sauce, hot flat-iron +for ironing trousers, baggage, blotter, tidy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> for chair, or any of those +things. In fact, I have not given half the list on this barometer +because I could not remember them, though I may have added others which +are not there. The message arrives at the office, but the clerk is +engaged in conversation with a lady. He does not jump when the alarm +sounds, but continues the dialogue. Another guest wires the office that +he would like a copy of the <i>Congressional Record</i>. The message is filed +away automatically, and the thrilling conversation goes on. Then No. +7-5/8 asks to have his mail sent up. No. 25 wants to know what time the +'bus leaves the house for the train going East, and whether that train +will connect at Alliance, Ohio, with a tide-water train for Cleveland in +time to catch the Lake Shore train which will bring him into New York at +7:30, and whether all those trains are reported on time or not, and if +not will the office kindly state why? Other guests also manifest morbid +curiosity through their transmitters, but the clerk does not get +excited, for he knows that all these remarks are filed away in the large +black<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span> walnut box at the back of the office. When he gets ready, +provided he has been through a course of study in this brand of +business, he takes one room at a time, and addressing a pale young +"Banister Polisher" by the name of "Front," he begins to scatter to +their destinations, baggage, towels, morning papers, time-tables, etc., +all over the house.</p> + +<p>It is also supposed to be a great time-saver. For instance, No. 8 wants +to know the correct time. He moves an indicator around like the +combination on a safe, reads a few pages of instructions, and then +pushes a button, perhaps. Instead of ringing for a boy and having to +wait some time for him, then asking him to obtain the correct time at +the office and come back with the information, conversing with various +people on his way and expecting compensation for it, the guest can ask +the office and receive the answer without getting out of bed. You leave +a call for a certain hour, and at that time your own private gong will +make it so disagreeable for you that you will be glad to rise. Again, if +you wish to know the amount of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> your bill, you go through certain +exercises with the large barometer in your room; and, supposing you have +been at the house two days and have had a fire in your room three times, +and your bill is therefore $132.18, the answer will come back and be +announced on your gong as follows: <i>One</i>, pause, <i>three</i>, pause, <i>two</i>, +pause, <i>one</i>, pause, <i>eight</i>. When there is a cipher in the amount I do +not know what the method is, but by using due care in making up the bill +this need not occur.</p> + +<p>For police and fire purposes the system shows a wonderful degree of +intelligence, not only as a speedy means of conveying calls for the fire +department, health department, department of street cleaning, department +of interior and good of the order, but it furnishes also a method of +transmitting emergency calls, so that no citizen—no matter how poor or +unknown—need go without an emergency. The citizen has only to turn the +crank of the little iron marten-house till the gong ceases to ring, then +push on the "Citizens' button," and he can have fun with most any +emergency he likes. Should he decide, however, to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span> shrink from the +emergency before it arrives, he can go away from there, or secrete +himself and watch the surprise of the ambulance driver or the fire +department when no mangled remains or forked fire fiend is found in that +region.</p> + +<p>This system is also supposed to keep its eye peeled for policemen and +inform the central station where each patrolman is all the time; also as +to his temperature, pulse, perspiration and breath. It keeps a record of +this at the main office on a ticker of its own, and the information may +be published in the society columns of the papers in the morning. It +enables a citizen to use his own discretion about sounding an alarm. He +has only to be a citizen. He need not be a tax-payer or a vox populi. +Should he be a citizen, or declare his intention to become such, or even +though he be a voter only, without any notion of ever being a citizen, +he can help himself to the fire department or anything else by ringing +up the central station.</p> + +<p>Electricity and spiritualism have arrived at that stage of perfection +where a coil of cop<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span>per wire and a can of credulity will accomplish a +great deal. The time is coming when even more surprising wonders will be +worked, and with electric wires, the rapid transit trains, and the +English sparrows all under the ground, the dawn of a better and brighter +day will be ushered in. The car-driver and the truck-man will then lie +down together, Boston will not rise up against London, he that +heretofore slag shall go forth no more for to slug, and the czar will +put aside his tailor-made boiler-iron underwear and fearlessly canvass +the nihilist wards in the interest of George Kennan and reform, nit.</p> + +<h4>THE END.</h4><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span></p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<h3> +<span class="smcap">An Article on the Writings of</span><br /> +<br /> +James Whitcomb Riley<br /> +<br /> +<span class="smcap">By "Chelifer</span>"</h3> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span></p> + + +<hr style="width: 25%;" /> + +<h3>THE AMBROSIA OF JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY.</h3> + +<p class="center">"Chelifer" in "The Bookery."—Godey's Magazine.</p> + + +<p>There are writers that take Pegasus on giddier flights of fancy, and +writers that sit him more grandly, and writers that put him through +daintier paces, and writers that burden him with anguish nearer that of +the dread Rider of the White Horse, and there are writers that make him +a very bucking broncho of wit, but there is no one that turns Pegasus +into just such an ambling nag of lazy peace and pastoral content as +James—I had almost said Joshua Whitcomb—Riley. If you want a panacea +for the bitterness and the fret and the snobbishness and pretension and +unsympathy and the commercial ambition and worry and the other cankers +that gnaw and gnaw the soul, just throw a leg over the back of Riley's +Pegasus, "perfectly safe for family driving," let the reins hang loose +as you sag limply in your saddle, and gaze through drowsy eyes while the +amiable old beast jogs down lanes blissful with rural quietude, through +farmyards full of picturesque rustics and through the streets of quaint +villages. Then utter rest and a peace akin to bliss will possess your +soul.</p> + +<p>To make readers content with life and glad to live is one of the most +dazzlingly magnificent deeds in the power of an artist. This is too +little appreciated in the melodramatic theatricism of our life. This +genius for soothing the reader with a pathos that is not anguish and a +humor that is not cynicism, this genius be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span>longs to Mr. Riley in a +degree I have found in no other writer in all literature.</p> + +<p>Of course, Mr. Riley is essentially a lyric poet. But his spirit is that +of Walt Whitman; he speaks the universal democracy, the equality of man, +the hatred of assumption and snobbery, that our republic stands for, if +it stands for anything. Now downright didacticism in a poet is an +abomination. But if a poet has no right to ponder the meanings of +things, the feelings of man for man and the higher "criticism of life," +then no one has. If to Pope's "The proper study of mankind is man," you +add "nature" and "nature's God," you will fairly well outline the poet's +field.</p> + +<p>Mere art (Heaven save the "mere"!) is not, and has never been, enough to +place a poet among the great spirits of the world. It has furnished a +number of nimble mandolinists and exquisite dilettants +for lazy moods. But great poetry must always be something more than +sweetmeats; it must be food—temptingly cooked, winningly served, well +spiced and well accompanied, but yet food to strengthen the blood and +the sinews of the soul.</p> + +<p>Therefore I make so bold as to insist that even in a lyrist there should +be something more than the prosperity or the dirge of personal <i>amours</i>: +there should be a sympathy with the world-joy, the world-suffering, and +the world-kinship. It is this attitude toward lyric poetry that makes me +think Mr. Riley a poet whose exquisite art is lavished on humanity so +deep-sounding as to commend him to the acceptance of immortality among +the highest lyrists.</p> + +<p>Horace was an acute thinker and a frank speaker on the problems of life. +This didacticism seems not to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> have harmed his artistic welfare, for he +has undoubtedly been the most popular poet that ever wrote. Consider the +magnitude and the enthusiasm of his audience! He has been the personal +chum of everyone that ever read Latinity. But Horace, when not exalted +with his inspired preachments on the art of life and the arts of poetry +and love, was a bitter cynic redeemed by great self-depreciation and +joviality. The son of a slave, he was too fond of court life to talk +democracy.</p> + +<p>Bobby Burns was a thorough child of the people, and is more like Mr. +Riley in every way than any other poet. Yet he, too, had a vicious +cynicism, and he never had the polished art that enriches some of Mr. +Riley's non-dialectic poetry, as in parts of his fairy fancy, "The +Flying Islands of the Night."</p> + +<p>Burns never had the versatility of sympathy that enables Mr. Riley to +write such unpastoral masterpieces as "Anselmo," "The Dead Lover," "A +Scrawl," "The Home-going," some of his sonnets, and the noble verses +beginning</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"A monument for the soldiers!</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And what will ye build it of?"</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>Yet it must be owned that Burns is in general Mr. Riley's prototype. Mr. +Riley admits it himself in his charming verses "To Robert Burns."</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Sweet singer, that I lo'e the maist</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">O' ony, sin' wi' eager haste</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I smacket bairn lips ower the taste</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">O' hinnied sang."</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>The classic pastoral poets, Theokritos, Vergandil, the others, sang with +an exquisite art, indeed, yet their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> farm-folk were really Dresden-china +shepherds and shepherdesses speaking with affected simplicity or with +impossible elegance. Theokritos, like Burns and Riley, wrote partly in +dialect and partly in the standard speech, and to those who are never +reconciled to anything that can quote no "authority," there should be +sufficient justification for dialect poetry in this divine Sicilian +musician of whom his own Goatherd might have said:</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Full of fine honey thy beautiful mouth was, Thyrsis, created</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Full of the honeycomb; figs Ægilean, too, mayest thou nibble,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sweet as they are; for ev'n than the locust more bravely thou singest."</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>I have no room to argue the <i>pro's</i> of dialect here, but it always seems +strange that those lazy critics who are unwilling to take the trouble to +translate the occasional hard words in a dialect form of their own +tongue, should be so inconsistent as ever to study a foreign language. +Then, too, dialect is necessary to truth, to local color, to intimacy +with the character depicted. Besides, it is delicious. There is +something mellow and soul-warming about a plebeian metathesis like +"congergation." What orthoepy could replace lines like these?:</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Worter, shade and all so mixed, don't know which you'd orter</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Say, th' <i>worter</i> in the shadder—<i>shadder</i> in the <i>worter</i>!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>One thing about Mr. Riley's dialect that may puzzle those not familiar +with the living speech of the Hoosiers, is his spelling, which is +chiefly done as if by the illiterate speaker himself. Thus +"rostneer-time" and "ornry" must be Æolic Greek to those barbarians who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> +have never heard of "roasting-ears" of corn or of that contemptuous +synonym for "vulgar," "common," which is smoothly elided, +"or(di)n(a)ry." Both of these words could be spelled with a suggestive +and helpful use of apostrophes: "roast'n'-ear," and or'n'ry.</p> + +<p>Jumbles like "jevver" for "did you ever?" and the like can hardly be +spelled otherwise than phonetically, but a glossary should be appended +as in Lowell's "Biglow Papers," for the poems are eminently worth even +lexicon-thumbing. Another frequent fault of dialect writers is the +spelling phonetically of words pronounced everywhere alike. Thus +"enough" is spelled "enuff," and "clamor," "clammer," though Dr. Johnson +himself would never have pronounced them otherwise. In these +misspellings, however, Mr. Riley excuses himself by impersonating an +illiterate as well as a crude-speaking poet. But even then he is +inconsistent, and "hollowing" becomes "hollerin'," with an apostrophe to +mark the lost "g"—that abominable imported harshness that ought to be +generally exiled from our none too smooth language. Mr. Riley has +written a good essay in defense of dialect, which enemies of this form +of literature might read with advantage.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p><p>But Mr. Riley has written a deal of most excellent verse that is not in +dialect. One whole volume is devoted to a fairy extravaganza called "The +Flying Islands of the Night," a good addition to that quaint literature +of lace to which "The Midsummer Night's Dream," Herrick's "Oberon's +Epithalamium," or whatever it is called, Drake's "Culprit Fay," and +other bits of most exquisite foolery belong. While hardly a complete +success, this diminutive drama contains some curiously delightful +conceits like this "improvisation:"</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Her face—her brow—her hair unfurled!—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And O the oval chin below,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Carved, like a cunning cameo,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With one exquisite dimple, swirled</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With swimming shine and shade, and whirled</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The daintiest vortex poets know—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The sweetest whirlpool ever twirled</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By Cupid's finger-tip—and so,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The deadliest maelstrom in the world!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>It is a strange individuality that Mr. Riley has, suggesting numerous +other masters—whose influence he acknowledges in special odes—and yet +all digested and assimilated into a marked individuality of his own. He +has studied the English poets profoundly and improved himself upon them, +till one is chiefly impressed, in his non-dialectic verse, with his +refinement, subtlety, and ease. He has a large vocabulary, and his +felicity is at times startling. Thus he speaks of water "chuckling," +which is as good as Horace's ripples that "gnaw" the shore. Note the +mastery of such lines as</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"And the dust of the road is like velvet."</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Nothin' but green woods and clear</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Skies and unwrit poetry</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By the acre!"</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Then God smiled and it was morning!"</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Life is "A poor pale yesterday of Death."</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 5em;">"And O I wanted so</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 5.5em;">To be felt sorry for!"</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Always suddenly they are gone,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The friends we trusted and held secure."</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 7.5em;">"At utter loaf."</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 5.5em;">"Knee-deep in June."</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>—But I can not go on quoting forever.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span></p> + +<p>Technically, Mr. Riley is a master of surpassing finish. His meters are +perfect and varied. They flow as smoothly as his own Indiana streams. +His rimes are almost never imperfect. To prove his own understanding he +has written one <i>scherzo</i> in technic that is a delightful example of bad +rime, bad meter, and the other earmarks of the poor poet. It is "Ezra +House," and begins:</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Come listen, good people, while a story I do tell</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of the sad fate of one I knew so passing well!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>The "do" and the "so" are the unfailing index of crudity. Then we have +rimes like "long" and "along" (it is curious that modern English is the +only tongue that finds this repetition objectionable); "moon" and +"tomb," "well" and "hill," and "said" and "denied" are others, and the +whole thing is an enchanting lesson in How Poetry Should Not be Written.</p> + +<p>Mr. Riley is fond of dividing words at the ends of lines, but always in +a comic way, though Horace, you remember, was not unwilling to use it +seriously, as in his</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">"——U-</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Xorius amnis."</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>Mr. Riley's animadversions on "Addeliney Bowersox" constitute a +fascinating study in this effect. He is also devoted to dividing an +adjective from its noun by a line-end. This is a trick of Poe's, whose +influence Mr. Riley has greatly profited by. In his dialect poetry Mr. +Riley gets just the effect of the jerky drawl of the Hoosier by using +the end of a line as a knife, thus:</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 5em;">"The wood's</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Green again, and sun feels good's</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">June!"</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span></p> + +<p>His masterly use of the cæsura is notable, too. See its charming +despotism in "Griggsby Station."</p> + +<p>But it is not his technic that makes him ambrosial, not the loving care +<i>ad unguem</i> that smooths the uncouthest dialect into lilting tunefulness +without depriving it of its colloquial verisimilitude—it is none of +these things of mechanical inspiration, but the spirit of the man, his +democracy, his tenderness, the health and wealth of his sympathies. If +he uses "memory" a little too often as a vehicle for his rural pictures, +the utter charm of the pictures is atonement enough. He has caught the +real American. He is the laureate of the bliss of laziness. His child +poems are the next best thing to the child itself; they have all the +infectious essence of gayety, and all the <i>naïveté</i>, and all the +knife-like appeal. It could not reasonably be demanded that his prose +should equal the perfection of his verse, but nothing more eerie has +ever been done than the little story, "Where is Mary Alice Smith?" with +its strange use of rime at the end.</p> + +<p>Of all dialect writers he has been the most versatile. Think of the +author of "The Raggedy Man" or "Orphant Annie" writing one of the finest +sonnets in the language! this one which I must quote here as a noble +ending to my halt praise:</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Being his mother, when he goes away</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I would not hold him overlong, and so</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sometimes my yielding sight of him grows O</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So quick of tears, I joy he did not stay</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To catch the faintest rumor of them! Nay,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Leave always his eyes clear and glad, although</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Mine own, dear Lord, do fill to overflow;</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Let his remembered features, as I pray,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Smile ever on me. Ah! what stress of love</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Thou givest me to guard with Thee thiswise:</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Its fullest speech ever to be denied</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Mine own—being his mother! All thereof</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Thou knowest only, looking from the skies</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">As when not Christ alone was crucified."</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>Life is the more tolerable, the more full of learned sympathy, and +thereby of joy and value, for the very existence of such a man.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<h3><span class="smcap">List of Mr. Riley's Books.</span></h3> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">A Child World.</span> (<span class="smcap">New.</span>) Tales in verse of childhood days. Cloth, 12mo, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. Hand-made Paper edition, bound uniform with +"Old Fashioned Roses," $2.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Neghborly Poems</span>, including "The Old Swimmin' Hole," by Benjamin F. +Johnson, of Boone (James Whitcomb Riley.) Cloth, illustrated, 12mo, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sketches in Prose</span>, and Occasional Verses. Cloth, $1.25. Half calf, +$2.50.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Afterwhiles.</span> Sixtieth thousand. With Portrait. Cloth, $1.25. Half calf, +$2.50.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Pipes O' Pan at Zekesbury.</span> Five Sketches and fifty Poems. Cloth, $1.25. +Half calf, $2.50.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Rhymes of Childhood.</span> Dialect and other Verses. With Portrait. Cloth, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">The Flying Islands of the Night.</span> A Fantastic Drama in Verse. Cloth, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Green Fields and Running Brooks.</span> Dialect and Serious Poems. With +Portrait. Cloth, Illustrated, $1.25. Half calf, $2.50.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Armazindy.</span> Hoosier Harvest Airs, Feigned Forms, and Child Rhymes. Cloth, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Old Fashioned Roses.</span> A selection of popular Poems, from Mr. Riley's +Works. Printed in England. 16mo, uncut, $1.75.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">An Old Sweetheart of Mine.</span> Illustrated in colors. Oblong 4to, $2.50.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Uniform Edition</span> of Mr. Riley's Works in 9 volumes, 12mo, cloth, per +set, $11.25. Half calf, 9 volumes, 12mo, per set, $22.50. Published by +The Bowen-Merrill Co., Indianapolis and Kansas City. Sent post-paid to +any address on receipt of the price.</p></blockquote> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guest at the Ludlow and Other Stories, by +Edgar Wilson (Bill) Nye + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GUEST AT THE LUDLOW *** + +***** This file should be named 31884-h.htm or 31884-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/8/8/31884/ + +Produced by D Alexander and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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b/31884-h/images/icover.jpg diff --git a/31884.txt b/31884.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..49d4c40 --- /dev/null +++ b/31884.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5689 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Guest at the Ludlow and Other Stories, by +Edgar Wilson (Bill) Nye + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Guest at the Ludlow and Other Stories + +Author: Edgar Wilson (Bill) Nye + +Release Date: April 4, 2010 [EBook #31884] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GUEST AT THE LUDLOW *** + + + + +Produced by D Alexander and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + A GUEST + AT THE LUDLOW + + AND OTHER STORIES + + BY + + EDGAR WILSON NYE + + [BILL NYE] + + _WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY + LOUIS BRAUNHOLD_ + + [Illustration] + + INDIANAPOLIS AND KANSAS CITY + + THE BOWEN-MERRILL COMPANY + + M DCCC XCVII + + + Copyright, 1896 + + BY + + THE BOWEN-MERRILL CO. + + + + +A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW + + + + +[Illustration: _You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get +here, or you can put some other man's nickel in your own slot and come +here with an attendant_ (Page 2)] + + * * * * * + +This volume was prepared for publication by the author a few months +before his death, and is now published by arrangement with Mrs. Edgar +Wilson Nye. + + * * * * * + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE. + + I. A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW 1 + + II. OLD POLKA DOT'S DAUGHTER 13 + + III. A GREAT CEREBRATOR 22 + + IV. HINTS FOR THE HOUSEHOLD 33 + + V. A JOURNEY WESTWARD 42 + + VI. A PROPHET AND A PIUTE 52 + + VII. THE SABBATH OF A GREAT AUTHOR 64 + + VIII. A FLYER IN DIRT 69 + + IX. A SINGULAR "HAMLET" 81 + + X. MY MATRIMONIAL BUREAU 92 + + XI. THE HATEFUL HEN 99 + + XII. AS A CANDIDATE 108 + + XIII. SUMMER BOARDERS AND OTHERS 123 + + XIV. THREE OPEN LETTERS 134 + + XV. THE DUBIOUS FUTURE 144 + + XVI. EARNING A REWARD 156 + + XVII. A PLEA FOR JUSTICE 162 + + XVIII. GRAINS OF TRUTH 168 + + XIX. A SCAMPER THROUGH THE PARK 179 + + XX. HINTS TO THE TRAVELER 187 + + XXI. A MEDIEVAL DISCOVERER 201 + + XXII. HOW TO PICK OUT A BIRTHPLACE 208 + + XXIII. ON BROADWAY 218 + + XXIV. MY TRIP TO DIXIE 222 + + XXV. THE THOUGHT CLOTHIER 228 + + XXVI. A RUBBER ESOPHAGUS 233 + + XXVII. ADVICE TO A SON 243 + + XXVIII. THE AUTOMATIC BELL BOY 254 + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + + PAGE + + You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get here, or + you can put some other man's nickel in your own slot and + come here with an attendant _Frontispiece_ + + His old look of apprehensive cordiality did not leave him until + he had seen me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and start + for home 15 + + Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and hit him a + smart, stinging blow with a black snake 27 + + My idea was to apply it to the wall mostly, but the chair tipped, + and so I papered the piano and my wife on the way down 36 + + Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear their young, + but people never go there 45 + + I improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of the beautiful + and picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians 57 + + He sometimes succeeds in getting himself disliked by some other + dog and then I can observe the fight 67 + + Then rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off into the + scrub pine, carrying with me a large board 74 + + He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should say, + "Have you got any more of that there red paint left?" 105 + + "Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I thank + God that you are POOR!!!" 115 + + Three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in activity as in + repose, hence the hornets' nests introduced by me last season 124 + + Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of pounding + on the floor with the butt of the cue ever and anon, produces + at last optical illusions 149 + + Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the + wild and disappointed yells of the Salvation army 159 + + "I was in a large, cool hosspital which smelt strong of some forrin + substans. The hed doctor had been breathing on me and so I + come too" 163 + + Said the Governor as he swung around with his feet over in our + part of the carriage and asked me for a light 181 + + He therefore had to borrow a bald-headed man to act as bust for + him in the evening 194 + + It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a lamp in a + church, and observing that the oscillations were of equal duration 202 + + Here Andrew turned the grindstone in the shed, while a large, + heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour or two 210 + + "A man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor of Boston, + but my idee is that he's a heap more likely to be mayor of the + New Jerusalem" 220 + + I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale, sallow liar, who is just + beginning to work his way up to the forty-ninth degree in the + Order of Ananias 222 + + In hotels it will take the mental strain off the bell-boy, relieving + him also of a portion of his burdensome salary at the same + time 256 + + + + +A GUEST AT THE LUDLOW + +I + + +We are stopping quietly here, taking our meals in our rooms mostly, and +going out very little indeed. When I say we, I use the term editorially. + +We notice first of all the great contrast between this and other hotels, +and in several instances this one is superior. In the first place, there +is a sense of absolute security when one goes to sleep here that can not +be felt at a popular hotel, where burglars secrete themselves in the +wardrobe during the day and steal one's pantaloons and contents at +night. This is one of the compensations of life in prison. + +Here the burglars go to bed at the hour that the rest of us do. We all +retire at the same time, and a murderer can not sit up any later at +night than the smaller or unknown criminal can. + +You can get to Ludlow Street Jail by taking the Second avenue Elevated +train to Grand street, and then going east two blocks, or you can fire a +shotgun into a Sabbath-school. + +You can pay five cents to the Elevated Railroad and get here, or you can +put some other man's nickel in your own slot and come here with an +attendant. + +William Marcy Tweed was the contractor of Ludlow Street Jail, and here +also he died. He was the son of a poor chair-maker, and was born April +3, 1823. From the chair business in 1853 to congress was the first false +step. Exhilarated by the delirium of official life, and the false joys +of franking his linen home every week, and having cake and preserves +franked back to him at Washington, he resolved to still further taste +the delights of office, and in 1857 we find him as a school +commissioner. + +In 1860 he became Grand Sachem of the Tammany Society, an association at +that time more purely political than politically pure. As president of +the board of supervisors, head of the department of public works, state +senator, and Grand Sachem of Tammany, Tweed had a large and seductive +influence over the city and state. The story of how he earned a scanty +livelihood by stealing a million of dollars at a pop, and thus, with the +most rigid economy, scraped together $20,000,000 in a few years by +patient industry and smoking plug tobacco, has been frequently told. + +Tweed was once placed here in Ludlow Street Jail in default of +$3,000,000 bail. How few there are of us who could slap up that amount +of bail if rudely gobbled on the street by the hand of the law. While +riding out with the sheriff, in 1875, Tweed asked to see his wife, and +said he would be back in a minute. + +He came back by way of Spain, in the fall of '76, looking much improved. +But the malaria and dissipation of Blackwell's Island afterwards +impaired his health, and having done time there, and having been +arrested afterwards and placed in Ludlow Street Jail, he died here +April 12, 1878, leaving behind him a large, vain world, and an equally +vain judgment for $6,537,117.38, to which he said he would give his +attention as soon as he could get a paving contract in the sweet +ultimately. + +From the exterior Ludlow Street Jail looks somewhat like a conservatory +of music, but as soon as one enters he readily discovers his mistake. +The structure has 100 feet frontage, and a court, which is sometimes +called the court of last resort. The guest can climb out of this court +by ascending a polished brick wall about 100 feet high, and then letting +himself down in a similar way on the Ludlow street side. + +That one thing is doing a great deal towards keeping quite a number of +people here who would otherwise, I think, go away. + +James D. Fish and Ferdinand Ward both remained here prior to their +escape to Sing Sing. Red Leary, also, made his escape from this point, +but did not succeed in reaching the penitentiary. Forty thousand +prisoners have been confined in Ludlow Street Jail, mostly for civil +offenses. A man in New York runs a very short career if he tries to be +offensively civil. + +As you enter Ludlow Street Jail the door is carefully closed after you, +and locked by means of an iron lock about the size of a pictorial family +Bible. You then remain on the inside for quite a spell. You do not hear +the prattle of soiled children any more. All the glad sunlight, and +stench-condensing pavements, and the dark-haired inhabitants of +Rivington street, are seen no longer, and the heavy iron storm-door +shuts out the wail of the combat from the alley near by. Ludlow Street +Jail may be surrounded by a very miserable and dirty quarter of the +city, but when you get inside all is changed. + +You register first. There is a good pen there that you can write with, +and the clerk does not chew tolu and read a sporting paper while you +wait for a room. He is there to attend to business, and he attends to +it. He does not seem to care whether you have any baggage or not. You +can stay here for days, even if you don't have any baggage. All you +need is a kind word and a mittimus from the court. + +One enters this sanitarium either as a boarder or a felon. If you decide +to come in as a boarder, you pay the warden $15 a week for the privilege +of sitting at his table and eating the luxuries of the market. You also +get a better room than at many hotels, and you have a good strong door, +with a padlock on it, which enables you to prevent the sudden and +unlooked-for entrance of the chambermaid. It is a good-sized room, with +a wonderful amount of seclusion, a plain bed, table, chairs, carpet and +so forth. After a few weeks at the seaside, at $19 per day, I think the +room in which I am writing is not unreasonable at $2. + +Still, of course, we miss the sea breeze. + +You can pay $50 to $100 per week here if you wish, and get your money's +worth, too. For the latter sum one may live in the bridal chamber, so to +speak, and eat the very best food all the time. + +Heavy iron bars keep the mosquitoes out, and at night the house is +brilliantly lighted by incandescent lights of one-candle power each. +Neat snuffers, consisting of the thumb and forefinger polished on the +hair, are to be found in each occupied room. + +Bread is served to the Freshmen and Juniors in rectangular wads. It is +such bread as convicts' tears have moistened many thousand years. In +that way it gets quite moist. + +The most painful feature about life in Ludlow Street Jail is the +confinement. One can not avoid a feeling of being constantly hampered +and hemmed in. + +One more disagreeable thing is the great social distinction here. The +poor man who sleeps in a stone niche near the roof, and who is +constantly elbowed and hustled out of his bed by earnest and restless +vermin with a tendency toward insomnia, is harassed by meeting in the +court-yard and corridors the paying boarders who wear good clothes, live +well, have their cigars, brandy and Kentucky Sec all the time. + +The McAllister crowd here is just as exclusive as it is on the outside. + +But, great Scott! what a comfort it is to a man like me, who has been +nearly killed by a cyclone, to feel the firm, secure walls and solid +time lock when he goes to bed at night! Even if I can not belong to the +400, I am almost happy. + +We retire at 7:30 o'clock at night and arise at 6:30 in the morning, so +as to get an early start. A man who has five or ten years to stay in a +place like this naturally likes to get at it as soon as possible each +day, and so he gets up at 6:30. + +We dress by the gaudy light of the candle, and while we do so, we +remember far away at home our wife and the little boy asleep in her +arms. They do not get up at 6:30. It is at this hour we remember the +fragrant drawer in the dresser at home where our clean shirts, and +collars and cuffs, and socks and handkerchiefs, are put every week by +our wife. We also recall as we go about our stone den, with its odor of +former corned beef, and the ghost of some bloody-handed predecessor's +snore still moaning in the walls, the picture of green grass by our own +doorway, and the apples that were just ripening, when the bench warrant +came. + +The time from 6:30 to breakfast is occupied by the average, or +non-paying inmate, in doing the chamberwork and tidying up his +state-room. I do not know how others feel about it, but I dislike +chamberwork most heartily, especially when I am in jail. Nothing has +done more to keep me out of jail, I guess, than the fact that while +there I have to make up my bed and dust the piano. + +Breakfast is generally table d'hote and consists of bread. A tin-cup of +coffee takes the taste of the bread out of your mouth, and then if you +have some Limburger cheese in your pocket you can with that remove the +taste of the coffee. + +Dinner is served at 12 o'clock, and consists of more bread with soup. +This soup has everything in it except nourishment. The bead on this soup +is noticeable for quite a distance. It is disagreeable. Several days ago +I heard that the Mayor was in the soup, but I didn't realize it before. +I thought it was a newspaper yarn. There is everything in this soup, +from shop-worn rice up to neat's-foot oil. Once I thought I detected +cuisine in it. + +The dinner menu is changed on Fridays, Sundays and Thursdays, on which +days you get the soup first and the bread afterwards. In this way the +bread is saved. + +Three days in a week each man gets at dinner a potato containing a +thousand-legged worm. At 6 o'clock comes supper with toast and +responses. Bread is served at supper time, together with a cup of tea. +To those who dislike bread and never eat soup, or do not drink tea or +coffee, life at Ludlow Street Jail is indeed irksome. + +I asked for kumiss and a pony of Benedictine, as my stone boudoir made +me feel rocky, but it has not yet been sent up. + +Somehow, while here, I can not forget poor old man Dorrit, the Master of +the Marshalsea, and how the Debtors' Prison preyed upon his mind till he +didn't enjoy anything except to stand off and admire himself. Ludlow +Street Jail is a good deal like it in many ways, and I can see how in +time the canker of unrest and the bitter memories of those who did us +wrong but who are basking in the bright and bracing air, while we, to +meet their obligations, sacrifice our money, our health and at last our +minds, would kill hope and ambition. + +In a few weeks I believe I should also get a preying on my mind. That is +about the last thing I would think of preying on, but a man must eat +something. + +Before closing this brief and incomplete account as a guest at Ludlow +Street Jail I ought, in justice to my family, to say, perhaps, that I +came down this morning to see a friend of mine who is here because he +refuses to pay alimony to his recreant and morbidly sociable wife. He +says he is quite content to stay here, so long as his wife is on the +outside. He is writing a small ready-reference book on his side of the +great problem, "Is Marriage a Failure?" + +With this I shake him by the hand and in a moment the big iron +storm-door clangs behind me, the big lock clicks in its hoarse, black +throat and I welcome even the air of Ludlow street so long as the blue +sky is above it. + + + + +OLD POLKA DOT'S DAUGHTER + +II + + +I once decided to visit an acquaintance who had named his country place +"The Elms." I went partly to punish him because his invitation was so +evidently hollow and insincere. + +He had "The Elms" worked on his clothes, and embossed on his stationery +and blown in his glass, and it pained him to eat his food from table +linen that didn't have "The Elms" emblazoned on it. He told me to come +and surprise him any time, and shoot in his preserves, and stay until +business compelled me to return to town again. He had no doubt heard +that I never surprise any one, and never go away from home very much, +and so thought it would be safe. Therefore I went. I went just to teach +him a valuable lesson. When I go to visit a man for a week, he is +certainly thenceforth going to be a better man, or else punishment is of +no avail and the chastening rod entirely useless in his case. + +"The Elms" was a misnomer. It should have been called "The Shagbark" or +"The Doodle Bug's Lair." It was supposed to mean a wide sweep of meadow, +a vine covered lodge, a broad velvet lawn, and a carriage way, where the +drowsy locust, in the sensuous shadow of magnanimous elms, gnawed a file +at intervals through the day, while back of all this the mossy and +gray-whiskered front and corrugated brow of the venerable architectural +pile stood off and admired itself in the deep and glassy pool at its +base. + +In the first place none of the yeomanry for eight miles around knew that +he called his old malarial tank "The Elms," so it was hard to find. But +when I described the looks of the lord of The Elms they wink at each +other and wagged their heads and said, "Oh, yes, we know him," also +interjecting well known one syllable words that are not euphonious +enough to print. + +[Illustration: ... "_His old look of apprehensive cordiality did not +leave him until he had seen me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and +start for home_" (Page 15)] + +When I got there he was down cellar sprouting potatoes, and his wife +was hanging out upon the clothes line a pair of gathered summer trousers +that evidently were made for a man who had been badly mangled in a +saw-mill. + +The Elms was not even picturesque, and the preserves were out of order. +I was received with the same cordiality which you detect on the face of +any other kind of detected liar. He wanted to be regarded as a +remarkable host and landed proprietor, without being really hospitable. +I remained there at The Elms a few days, rubbing rock salt and Cayenne +pepper into the wounds of my host, and suggesting different names for +his home, such as "The Tom Tit's Eyrie," "The Weeping Willow," "The +Crook Neck Squash" and "The Muskrat's Retreat." Then I came away. His +old look of apprehensive cordiality did not leave him until he had seen +me climb on a load of hay with my trunk and start for home. + +During my brief sojourn I noticed that the surrounding country was full +of people, and I presume there was a larger population of "boarders," as +we were called indiscriminately, than ever before. The number of +available points to which the victims of humidity and poor plumbing may +retreat in summer time is constantly on the increase, while, so far as I +know, all the private and public boarding places are filled to their +utmost capacity. Everywhere, the gaudy boarder in flannels and ecru +shoes looms upon the green lawn or the brown dirt road, or scales the +mountain one day and stays in bed the following week, rubbing James B. +Pond's Extract on his swollen joints. + +I scaled Mount Utsa-yantha in company with others. We picked out a nice +hot day, and, selecting the most erect wall of the mountain, facing +west, we scaled it in such a way that it will not have to be done again +till new scales grow on it. + +Mount Utsa-yantha is 3,365 feet above sea level, and has a brow which +reminds me of mine. It is broad, massive and bleak. The foot of the +mountain is more massive, however. From the top of the mountain one +gets, with a good glass, a view of six or seven states, I was told. +Possibly there were that many in sight, though at that season of the +year states look so much alike that it takes an expert to pick them out +readily. When states are moulting, it is all I can do to tell Vermont +from Massachusetts. On this mountain one gets a nice view and highly +exhilarating birch beer. + +Albany can be distinctly seen with a glass--a field glass, I mean, not a +glass of birch beer. Some claim that the nub of a political boom may be +seen protruding from the Capitol with the nude vision. Others say they +can see the Green mountains, and as far south as the eye can reach. We +took two hours and a half for the ascent of the mountain, and came down +in about twenty minutes. We descended ungracefully--the way the Irishman +claimed that the toad walked, viz.: "git up and sit down." + +Mount Utsa-yantha--I use the accepted orthography as found in the +Blackhawk dictionary--has a legend also. Many centuries ago this +beautiful valley was infested by the red brother and his bronze progeny. +Where now the red and blue blazer goes shimmering through the swaying +maples, and the girl with her other dress on and her straw colored +canvas cinch knocketh the croquet ball galley west, once there dwelt an +old chief whom we will call Polka Dot, the pride of his people. He +looked somewhat like William Maxwell Evarts, but was a heavier set man. +Places where old Polka Dot sat down and accumulated rest for himself are +still shown to city people whose faith was not overworked while young. + +Old Polka Dot was a firm man, with double teeth all around, and his +prowess got into the personal columns of the papers every little while. +He had a daughter named Utsa-yantha, which means "a messenger sent +hastily for treasure," so I am told, or possibly old Polka Dot meant to +imply "one sent off for cash." + +Anyhow Utsa-yantha grew to be quite comely, as Indian women go. I never +yet saw one that couldn't stop an ordinary planet by looking at it +steadily for two minutes. She dressed simply, wearing the same clothes +while tooling cross-country before breakfast that she wore at the scalp +dance the evening before. In summer time she shellacked herself and +visited the poor. Taking a little box of water colors in a shawl strap, +so that she could change her clothes whenever she felt like it, she +would go away and be gone for a fortnight at a time, visiting the ultra +fashionable people of her tribe. + +Finally a white man penetrated this region. He did it by asking a +brakeman on the West Shore road how to get here and then doing +differently. In that way he had no trouble at all. He saw Utsa-yantha +and loved her almost instantly. She was skinning a muskrat at the time, +and he could not but admire her deftness and skill. From that moment he +was not able to drive her image from his heart. He sought her again and +again to tell her of his passion, but she would jump the fence and flee +like a frightened fawn with a split stick on its tail, if such a +comparison may be permitted. At last he won her, and married her quietly +in his working clothes. The nearest justice of the peace was then in +England, and so rather than wait he was married informally to +Utsa-yantha, and she went home very much impressed indeed. That fall a +little russet baby came to bless their union. The blessing was all he +had with him when he arrived. + +Then the old chief Polka Dot arose in his wrath, to which he added a +pair of moose hide moccasins, and he upbraided his daughter for her +conduct. He upbraided her with a piazza pole from his wigwam. He was +very much agitated. So was the pole. + +Then he cursed her for being the mother of a 1/2 breed child, and +stalking 1/4 he slew the white man by cutting open his trunk and +disarranging his most valuable possessions. He then wiped the stab +knife on his tossing mane, and grabbing his grandson by his swaddling +clothes he hurled the surprised little stranger into Lake Utsa-yantha. +By pouring another pailful of water into the lake the child was +successfully drowned. + +Then the widowed and childless Utsa-yantha came forth as night settled +down upon the beautiful valley and the day died peacefully on the +mountain tops. Her eyes were red with weeping and her breath was +punctuated with sobs. Putting on a pair of high rubber boots she waded +out into the middle of the lake, where there is quite a deep place, and +drowned herself. + +When the old man found the body of his daughter he was considerably +mortified. He took her to the top of the mountain and buried her there, +and ever afterward, it is said, whenever any one spoke of the death of +his daughter and her family, he would color up and change the subject. + +This should teach us never to kill a son-in-law without getting his +wife's consent. + + + + +A GREAT CEREBRATOR + +III + + +Being at large in Virginia, along in the latter part of last season, I +visited Monticello, the former home of Thomas Jefferson, also his grave. +Monticello is about an hour's ride from Charlottesville, by diligence. +One rides over a road constructed of rip-raps and broken stone. It is +called a macadamized road, and twenty miles of it will make the pelvis +of a long-waisted man chafe against his ears. I have decided that the +site for my grave shall be at the end of a trunk line somewhere, and I +will endow a droska to carry passengers to and from said grave. + +Whatever my life may have been, and however short I may have fallen in +my great struggle for a generous recognition by the American people, I +propose to place my grave within reach of all. + +Monticello is reached by a circuitous route to the top of a beautiful +hill, on the crest of which rests the brick house where Mr. Jefferson +lived. You enter a lodge gate in charge of a venerable negro, to whom +you pay two bits apiece for admission. This sum goes towards repairing +the roads, according to the ticket which you get. It just goes toward +it, however; it don't quite get there, I judge, for the roads are still +appealing for aid. Perhaps the negro can tell how far it gets. Up +through a neglected thicket of Virginia shrubs and ill-kempt trees you +drive to the house. It is a house that would readily command $750, with +queer porches to it, and large, airy windows. The top of the whole hill +was graded level, or terraced, and an enormous quantity of work must +have been required to do it, but Jefferson did not care. He did not care +for fatigue. With two hundred slaves of his own, and a dowry of three +hundred more which was poured into his coffers by his marriage, Jeff did +not care how much toil it took to polish off the top of a bluff or how +much the sweat stood out on the brow of a hill. + +Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence. He sent it to one of +the magazines, but it was returned as not available, so he used it in +Congress and afterward got it printed in the _Record_. + +I saw the chair he wrote it in. It is a plain, old-fashioned wooden +chair, with a kind of bosom-board on the right arm, upon which Jefferson +used to rest his Declaration of Independence whenever he wanted to write +it. + +There is also an old gig stored in the house. In this gig Jefferson used +to ride from Monticello to Washington in a day. This is untrue, but it +goes with the place. It takes from 8:30 A. M. until noon to ride this +distance on a fast train, and in a much more direct line than the old +wagon road ran. + +Mr. Jefferson was the father of the University of Virginia, one of the +most historic piles I have ever clapped eyes on. It is now under the +management of a classical janitor, who has a tinge of negro blood in his +veins, mixed with the rich Castilian blood of somebody else. + +He has been at the head of the University of Virginia for over forty +years, bringing in the coals and exercising a general oversight over the +curriculum and other furniture. He is a modest man, with a tendency +toward the classical in his researches. He took us up on the roof, +showed us the outlying country, and jarred our ear-drums with the big +bell. Mr. Estes, who has general charge of Monticello--called +Montechello--said that Mr. Jefferson used to sit on his front porch with +a powerful glass, and watch the progress of the work on the University, +and if the workmen undertook to smuggle in a soft brick, Mr. Jefferson, +five or six miles away, detected it, and bounding lightly into his +saddle, he rode down there to Charlottesville, and clubbed the +bricklayers until they were glad to pull down the wall to that brick and +take it out again. + +This story is what made me speak of that section a few minutes ago as an +outlying country. + +The other day Charles L. Seigel told us the Confederate version of an +attack on Fort Moultrie during the early days of the war, which has +never been printed. Mr. Seigel was a German Confederate, and early in +the fight was quartered, in company with others, at the Moultrie House, +a seaside hotel, the guests having deserted the building. + +Although large soft beds with curled hair mattresses were in each room, +the department issued ticks or sacks to be filled with straw for the use +of the soldiers, so that they would not forget that war was a serious +matter. Nobody used them, but they were there all the same. + +Attached to the Moultrie House, and wandering about the back-yard, there +was a small orphan jackass, a sorrowful little light blue mammal, with a +tinge of bitter melancholy in his voice. He used to dwell on the past a +good deal, and at night he would refer to it in tones that were choked +with emotion. + +The boys caught him one evening as the gloaming began to arrange itself, +and threw him down on the green grass. They next pulled a straw bed over +his head, and inserted him in it completely, cutting holes for his +legs. Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and hit him a +smart, stinging blow with a black snake. + +[Illustration: _Then they tied a string of sleighbells to his tail, and +hit him a smart, stinging blow with a black snake_ (Page 27)] + +Probably that was what suggested to him the idea of strolling down the +beach, past the sentry, and on toward the fort. The darkness of the +night, the rattle of hoofs, the clash of the bells, the quick challenge +of the guard, the failure to give the countersign, the sharp volley of +the sentinels, and the wild cry, "to arms," followed in rapid +succession. The tocsin sounded, also the slogan. The culverin, ukase, +and door-tender were all fired. Huge beacons of fat pine were lighted +along the beach. The whole slumbering host sprang to arms, and the crack +of the musket was heard through the intense darkness. + +In the morning the enemy was found intrenched in a mud-hole, south of +the fort, with his clean new straw tick spattered with clay, and a +wildly disheveled tail. + +On board the Richmond train not long ago a man lost his hat as we pulled +out of Petersburg, and it fell by the side of the track. The train was +just moving slowly away from the station, so he had a chance to jump off +and run back after it. He got the hat, but not till we had placed seven +or eight miles between us and him. We could not help feeling sorry for +him, because very likely his hat had an embroidered hat band in it, +presented by one dearer to him than life itself, and so we worked up +quite a feeling for him, though of course he was very foolish to lose +his train just for a hat, even if it did have the needle-work of his +heart's idol in it. + +Later I was surprised to see the same man in Columbia, South Carolina, +and he then told me this sad story: + +"I started out a month ago to take a little trip of a few weeks, and the +first day was very, very happily spent in scrutinizing nature and +scanning the faces of those I saw. On the second day out, I ran across a +young man whom I had known slightly before, and who is engaged in the +business of being a companionable fellow and the life of the party. That +is about all the business he has. He knows a great many people, and his +circle of acquaintances is getting larger all the time. He is proud of +the enormous quantity of friendship he has acquired. He says he can't +get on a train or visit any town in the Union that he doesn't find a +friend. + +"He is full of stories and witticisms, and explains the plays to theater +parties. He has seen a great deal of life and is a keen critic. He would +have enjoyed criticising the Apostle Paul and his elocutionary style if +he had been one of the Ephesians. He would have criticised Paul's +gestures, and said, 'Paul, I like your Epistles a heap better than I do +your appearance on the platform. You express yourself well enough with +your pen, but when you spoke for the Ephesian Y. M. C. A., we were +disappointed in you and we lost money on you.' + +"Well, he joined me, and finding out where I was going, he decided to go +also. He went along to explain things to me, and talk to me when I +wanted to sleep or read the newspaper. He introduced me to large numbers +of people whom I did not want to meet, took me to see things I didn't +want to see, read things to me that I didn't want to hear, and +introduced to me people who didn't want to meet me. He multiplied misery +by throwing uncongenial people together and then said: 'Wasn't it lucky +that I could go along with you and make it pleasant for you?' + +"Everywhere he met more new people with whom he had an acquaintance. He +shook hands with them, and called them by their first names, and felt in +their pockets for cigars. He was just bubbling over with mirth, and +laughed all the time, being so offensively joyous, in fact, that when he +went into a car, he attracted general attention, which suited him +first-rate. He regarded himself as a universal favorite and all-round +sunbeam. + +"When we got to Washington, he took me up to see the President. He knew +the President well--claimed to know lots of things about the President +that made him more or less feared by the administration. He was +acquainted with a thousand little vices of all our public men, which +virtually placed them in his power. He knew how the President conducted +himself at home, and was 'on to everything' in public life. + +"Well, he shook hands with the President, and introduced me. I could see +that the President was thinking about something else, though, and so I +came away without really feeling that I knew him very well. + +"Then we visited the departments, and I can see now that I hurt myself +by being towed around by this man. He was so free, and so joyous, and so +bubbling, that wherever we went I could hear the key grate in the lock +after we passed out of the door. + +"He started south with me. He was going to show me all the +battle-fields, and introduce me into society. I bought some strychnine +in Washington, and put it in his buckwheat cakes; but they got cold, and +he sent them back. I did not know what to do, and was almost wild, for I +was traveling entirely for pleasure, and not especially for his pleasure +either. + +"At Petersburg I was told that the train going the other way would meet +us. As we started out, I dropped my hat from the window while looking +at something. It was a desperate move, but I did it. Then I jumped off +the train, and went back after it. As soon as I got around the curve I +ran for Petersburg, where I took the other train. I presume you all felt +sorry for me, but if you'd seen me fold myself in a long, passionate +embrace after I had climbed on the other train, you would have changed +your minds." + +He then passed gently from my sight. + + + + +HINTS FOR THE HOUSEHOLD + +IV + + +There are a great many pleasures to which we may treat ourselves very +economically if we go at it right. In this way we can, at a slight +expense, have those comforts, and even luxuries, for which we should +otherwise pay a great price. + +Costly rugs and carpets, though beautiful and rich in appearance, +involve such an outlay of money that many hesitate about buying them; +but a very tasty method of treating floors inexpensively consists in +staining the edge for several feet in width, leaving the center of the +room to be covered by a large rug. Staining for the floor maybe easily +made, by boiling maple bark, twenty parts; pokeberry juice, +twenty-five parts; hazel brush, thirty parts, and sour milk, twenty-five +parts, until it becomes about the consistency of the theory of infant +damnation. Let it stand a few weeks, until the rich flavor has died +down, so that you can look at it for quite a while without nausea; then +add vinegar and copperas to suit the taste, and apply by means of a +whisk broom. When dry, help yourself to some more of it. This gives the +floor a rich pauper's coffin shade, over which shellac or cod liver oil +should be applied. + +Rugs may be made of coffee sacking or Turkish gunny-rest sacks, inlaid +with rich designs in red yarn, and a handsome fringe can be added by +raveling the edges. + +A beautiful receptacle for soiled collars and cuffs may be made by +putting a cardboard bottom in a discarded and shattered coal scuttle, +gilding the whole and tying a pale blue ribbon on the bail. + +A cheap and very handsome easy-chair can be constructed by sawing into a +flour barrel and removing less than half the length of staves for +one-third the distance around, then fasten inside a canvas or duck seat, +below which the barrel is filled with bran. + +A neat little mackerel tub makes a most appropriate foot-stool for this +chair, and looks so unconventional and rustic that it wins every one at +once. Such a chair should also have a limited number of tidies on its +surface. Otherwise it might give too much satisfaction. A good style of +inexpensive tidy is made by poking holes in some heavy, strong goods, +and then darning up these holes with something else. The darned tidy +holds its place better, I think, and is more frequently worn away on the +back of the last guest than any other. + +This list might be prolonged almost indefinitely, and I should be glad +to write my own experience in the line of experiment, if it were not for +the danger of appearing egotistical. For instance, I once economized in +the matter of paper-hanging, deciding that I would save the +paper-hanger's bill and put the money into preferred trotting stock. + +So I read a recipe in a household hint, which went on to state how one +should make and apply paste to wall paper, how to begin, how to apply +the paper, and all that. The paste was made by uniting flour, water and +glue in such a way as to secure the paper to the wall and yet leave it +smooth, according to the recipe. First the walls had to be "sized," +however. + +I took a tape-measure and sized the walls. + +Next I began to prepare the paste and cook some in a large milk-pan. It +looked very repulsive indeed, but it looked so much better than it +smelled, that I did not mind. Then I put about five cents' worth of it +on one roll of paper, and got up on a chair to begin. My idea was to +apply it to the wall mostly, but the chair tipped, and so I papered the +piano and my wife on the way down. My wife gasped for breath, but soon +tore a hole through the paper so she could breathe, and then she laughed +at me. That is the reason I took another end of the paper and repapered +her face. I can not bear to have any one laugh at me when I am myself +unhappy. + +It was good paste, if you merely desired to disfigure a piano or a wife, +but otherwise it would not stick at all. I did not like it. I was mad +about it. But my wife seemed quite stuck on it. She hasn't got it all +out of her hair yet. + +[Illustration: _My idea was to apply it to the wall mostly, but the +chair tipped, and so I papered the piano and my wife on the way down_] +(Page 36) + +Then a man dropped in to see me about some money that I had hoped to pay +him that morning, and he said the paste needed more glue and a quart of +molasses. I put in some more glue and the last drop of molasses we had +in the house. It made a mass which looked like unbaked ginger snaps, and +smelled as I imagine the deluge did at low tide. + +I next proceeded to paper the room. Sometimes the paper would adhere, +and then again it would refrain from adhering. When I got around the +room I had gained ground so fast at the top and lost so much time at the +bottom of the walls, that I had to put in a wedge of paper two feet wide +at the bottom, and tapering to a point at the top, in order to cover the +space. This gave the room the appearance of having been toyed with by an +impatient cyclone, or an air of inebriety not in keeping with my poor +but honest character. + +I went to bed very weary, and abraded in places. I had paste in my +pockets, and bronze up my nose. In the night I could hear the paper +crack. Just as I would get almost to sleep, it would pop. That was +because the paper was contracting and trying to bring the dimensions of +the room I own to fit it. + +In the morning the room had shrunken so that the carpet did not fit, and +the paper hung in large molasses-covered welts on the walls. It looked +real grotesque. I got a paper-hanger to come and look at it. He did so. + +"And what would you advise me to do with it, sir?" I asked, with a +degree of deference which I had never before shown to a paper-hanger. + +"Well, I can hardly say at first. It is a very bad case. You see, the +glue and stuff have made the paper and wrinkles so hard now, that it +would cost a great deal to blast it off. Do you own the house?" + +"Yes, sir. That is, I have paid one-half the purchase-price, and there +is a mortgage for the balance." + +"Oh. Well, then you are all right," said the paper-hanger, with a gleam +of hope in his eye. "Let it go on the mortgage." + +Then I had to economize again, so I next resorted to the home method of +administering the Turkish bath. You can get a Turkish bath in that way +at a cost of four and one-half to five cents, which is fully as good as +one that will cost you a dollar or more in some places. + +I read the directions in a paper. There are two methods of administering +the low-price Turkish bath at home. One consists in placing the person +to be treated in a cane-seat chair, and then putting a pan of hot water +beneath this chair. Ever and anon a hot stone or hot flat-iron is +dropped into the water by means of tongs, and thus the water is kept +boiling, the steam rising in thick masses about the person in the chair, +who is carefully concealed in a large blanket. Every time a hot +flat-iron or stone is dropped into the pan it spatters the boiling water +on the bare limbs of the person who is being operated upon, and if you +are living in the same country with him, you will hear him loudly +wrecking his chances beyond the grave by stating things that are really +wrong. + +The other method, and the one I adopted, is better than this. You apply +the heat by means of a spirit lamp, and no one, to look at a little +fifteen cent spirit lamp, would believe that it had so much heat in it +till he has had one under him as he sits in a wicker chair. + +A wicker chair does not interfere with the lamp at all, or cut off the +heat, and one is so swathed in blankets and rubber overcoats that he +can't help himself. + +I seated myself in that way, and then the torch was applied. Did the +reader ever get out of a bath and sit down on a wire brush in order to +put on his shoes, and feel a sort of startled thrill pervade his whole +being? Well, that is good enough as far as it goes, but it does not +really count as a sensation, when you have been through the Home +Treatment Turkish Bath. + +My wife was in another room reading a new book in which she was greatly +interested. While she was thus storing her mind with information, she +thought she smelled something burning. She went all around over the +house trying to find out what it was. Finally she found out. + +It was her husband. I called to her, of course, but she wanted me to +wait until she had discovered what was on fire. I tried to tell her to +come and search my neighborhood, but I presume I did not make myself +understood, because I was excited, and my personal epidermis was being +singed off in a way that may seem funny to others, but was not so to one +who had to pass through it. + +It bored me quite a deal. Once the wicker seat of the chair caught fire. + +"Oh, heavens," I cried, with a sudden pang of horror, "am I to be thus +devoured by the fire fiend? And is there no one to help? Help! Help! +Help!" + +I also made use of other expressions but they did not add to the sense +of the above. + +I perspired very much, indeed, and so the bath was, in a measure, a +success, but oh, what doth it profit a man to gain a bath if he lose his +own soul? + + + + +A JOURNEY WESTWARD + +V + + +I once visited my old haunts in Colorado and Wyoming after about seven +years of absence. I also went to Utah, where spring had come in the rich +valley of the Jordan and the glossy blackbird, with wing of flame, +scooted gaily from bough to bough, deftly declaring his affections right +and left, and acquiring more wives than he could support, then clearing +his record by claiming to have had a revelation which made it all right. + +One could not shut his eyes to the fact that there was great real estate +activity in the West that spring. It took the place of mining and stock, +I judge, and everywhere you heard and saw men with their heads together +plotting against the poor rich man. In Salt Lake I saw the sign, "Drugs +and Real Estate." + +I presume it meant medicine and a small residence lot in the cemetery. + +In early days in Denver, Henry C. Brown, then in the full flush and +vigor of manhood, opened negotiations with the agent of the Atchison +stage line for a ticket back to Atchison, as he was heart-broken and +homesick. He owned a quarter-section of land, with a heavy growth of +prairie dogs on it, and he had almost persuaded the agent to swap him a +ticket for this sage brush conservatory, when the ticket seller backed +gently out of the trade. Mr. Brown then sat him down on the sidewalk and +cried bitterly. + +I just tell this to show how easily some men weep. Atchison is at +present so dead that a good cowboy, with an able mule, could tie his +rope to its tail, and, putting his spurs to the mule, jerk loose the +entire pelt at any time, while Brown's addition to Denver is worth +anywhere from one and a half to two millions of dollars. When Mr. Brown +weeps now it is because his food is too rich and gives him the gout. He +sold prairie dogs enough to fence the land in so that it could not blow +into Cherry Creek vale, and then he set to work earnestly to wait for +the property to advance. Finding that he could not sell the property at +any price, he, with great foresight, concluded to retain it. Some men, +with no special ability in other directions, have the greatest genius +for doing such things, while others, with superior talent in other ways, +do not make money in this way. + +A report once got around that I had made a misguess on some property. +This is partly true, only it was my wife who speculated. She had never +speculated much before, though she had tried other open air amusements. +So she swapped a cottage and lots in Hudson, Wisconsin, for city lots in +Minneapolis, employing a man named Flinton Pansley to work up the trade, +look into the title, and do the square thing for her. He was a real good +man, with heavenly aspirations and a true sorrow in his heart for the +prevalence of sin. Still this sorrow did not break in on his business. +Well, the business was done by correspondence and Mr. Pansley only +charged a reasonable amount, she giving him her new carriage to +remunerate him for his brain fag. What the other man paid him for +disposing of the lots I do not know. I was away at the time, and having +no insect powder with which to take his life I regretfully spared him to +his Bible class. + +[Illustration: _Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear +their young, but people never go there_ (Page 45)] + +I did send a man over the lots, however, when I returned. They were not +really in the city of Minneapolis, that is, they were not near enough to +worry anybody by the tumult of the town. In fact, they were in another +county. You may think I am untruthful about this, but the lots are +there, if you have any curiosity to see them. They are not where they +were represented to be, however, and the machine shops and gas works and +court-house are quite a long distance away. + +You could cut some hay on these lots, but not enough to pay the interest +on the mortgage. Frogs build their nests there in the spring and rear +their young, but people never go there. Two years ago Senator Washburn +killed a bear on one of these lots, but that is all they have ever +produced, except a slight coldness on our part toward Mr. Pansley. He +says he likes the carriage real well, and anything he can do for us in +the future in dickering for city property will be done with an alacrity +that would almost make one's head swim. I must add that I have +permission to use this information, as the victim seems to think there +is something kind of amusing about it. Some people think a thing funny +which others can hardly get any amusement out of. What I wonder at is +that Pansley did not ask for the team when he got the carriage. + +Possibly he did not like the team. + +I just learned recently that he and the Benders used to be very thick in +an early day, but after awhile the Benders said they guessed they would +have to be excused. Even the Benders had to draw the line somewhere. + +Later I bought property in Salt Lake. Not a heavy venture, you +understand. Just the box-office receipts for one evening. I saw it +stated in the papers at $10,000. Anyway, I will let that go. That is +near enough. When I see anything in the papers I ask no more questions. +I do not think it is right. Patti and I have both made it a rule to put +in at least one evening as an investment where we happen to be. We are +almost sure to do well out of it, and we also get better notices in the +papers. + +Patti is not looking so well as she did when my father took me to see +her in the prime of her life. Though getting quite plain, it costs as +much to see her as ever it did. Her voice has a metallic, or rather +bi-metallic, ring to it nowadays, and she misses it by not working in +more topical songs and bright Italian gags. + +I asked her about an old singer who used to be with her. She said: "He +was remova to ze ocean, where he keepa ze lighthouse. He learn to +himself how to manage ze lighthouse one seasong; then he try by himself +to star." + +Now, if she would do some of those things on the stage it would pay her +first rate. + +When I was in Wyoming on that trip I met many old friends, all of whom +shook me warmly by the hand as soon as they saw me. I visited the +Capitol, and both houses adjourned for an hour out of respect to my +memory. I will never again say anything mean of a member of the +legislature. A speech of welcome was made by the gentleman from Crook +county, Mr. Kellogg, the Demosthenes of the coming state. He made +statements about me that day which in the paper read almost as good and +truthful as an epitaph. + +Going over the hill, at Crow Creek, whose perfumed waters kiss the +livery stables and abattoirs at Camp Carlin, three slender Sarah +Bernhardt coyotes came towards the train, looking wistfully at me as if +to say: "Why, partner, how you have fleshed up!" Answering them from the +platform of the car, I said: "Go East, young men, and flesh up with the +country." Honestly and seriously, I do think that if the coyote would +change off and try the soft-shell crab diet for a while, he would pick +right up. + +When I got to Laramie City the welcome was so warm that it almost wiped +out the memory of my shabby reception in New York harbor last summer, +on my return from Europe, when even my band went back on me and got +drunk at Coney Island on the very money I had given them to use in +welcoming me home again. + +Winter had been a little severe along the cattle ranges, and deceased +cattle might be seen extending their swollen carcasses into the bright, +crisp air as the train whirled one along at the rate of seven to eight +miles per hour. The skinning of a frozen steer is a diverting and +unusual proceeding. Col. Buffalo Bill, who served under Washington and +killed buffalo and baby elephants at Valley Forge, according to an +Italian paper, should put this feature into his show. Maybe he will when +he reads this. The cow gentleman first selects a quick yet steady-going +mule; then he looks for a dead steer. He does not have to look very far. +He now fastens one end of the deceased to some permanent object. This is +harder to find than the steer, however. He then attaches his rope to the +hide of the remains, having cut it with his knife first. He next starts +the mule off, and a mile or so away he discovers that the hide is +entirely free from the cold and pulseless corps. + +Sometimes a cowboy tries to skin a steer before the animal is entirely +dead, and when the former gets back to the place from which he was +kicked, he finds that he has a brand new set of whiskers with which to +surprise his friends. + +The Pacific roads have greatly improved in recent years, and though they +do not dazzle one with their speed, they are much more comfortable to +pass a few weeks on than they were when the eating-houses, or many of +them, were in the hands of people who could not cook very well, but who +made a great deal of money. Now you can eat in a good buffet-car, or a +first-class dining-car, at your leisure, or you can stop off and get a +good meal, or you can carry a few hens and eat hard-boiled eggs all over +your neighbors. + +I do not think people on the cars ought to keep hens. It disturbs the +other passengers and is anything but agreeable to the hens. Close +confinement is never good for a hen that is advanced in years, and the +cigar smoke from the rear of the car hurts her voice, I think. + + + + +A PROPHET AND A PIUTE + +VI + + +I have bought some more real estate. It occurred in Oakland, California. +In making the purchase I had the assistance of a prophet, and I hope the +prophet will not be overbalanced by the loss. It came about in this way: +A prophet on a bicycle came to Oakland suddenly very hard up a few weeks +ago, and began to ride up and down on his two-wheeler, warning the +people to flee to the high ground, and thus escape the wrath to come, +for, he said, the waters of the great deep would arise at about the +middle of the month and smite the people of Oakland and slay them, and +float the pork barrels out of their cellars, and fill their cisterns +with people who had sneered at his prophecy. + +This gentleman was an industrious prophet and did a good business in his +line. He attracted much notice, and had all he could do at his trade +for several weeks. Many Oakland people were frightened, especially as +Wiggins, the great intellectual Sahara of the prophet industry, also +prophesied a high wave which would rise at least above the bills at the +Palace Hotel in San Francisco. With the aid of these two gifted +middle-weight prophets, I was enabled to secure some good bargains in +corner lots and improved property in Oakland at ten per cent. of the +estimated value. In other words, I put my limited powers as a prophet +against those of Professor Wiggins, the painstaking and conscientious +seer of Canada, and the bicycle prophet of the Pacific slope. I am +willing to stand or fall by the result. + +As a prophet I have never attracted attention in this country, mostly +because I have been too busy with other things. Also because there was +so little prophesying to be done in these degenerate days that I did not +care to take hold of the industry; but I have ever been ready to +purchase at a great discount the desirable residences of those +contemplating a general collapse of the universe, or a tidal wave which +would wipe out the general government and cover with a placid sea the +mighty republic which God has heretofore, for some reason, smiled upon. +Moreover, I can hardly believe that the Deity would commission a man to +go out over California on a bicycle to warn people, when a few red +messages and a standing notice in the newspapers would do the work in +less time. Reasoning in this manner with a sturdy logic worthy of my +rich and unctious past, I have secured some good trades in down-town +property, and shall await the coming devastation with a calm and +entirely unruffled breast. + +California, at any season of the year, is a miracle of beauty, as almost +every one knows. Nature heightens the effect for the tenderfoot by +compelling him to cross the Alpine heights of the Sierra Nevada +Mountains and freeze approximately to death in the cold heart of a snow +blockade. Thus, weather-beaten and sore, he reaches the rolling green +hills and is greeted with the rich odor of violets. I submitted to the +insults of a tottering monopoly for a week, in the heart of the winter, +and, tired and sick at soul, with chilblains on my feet and liniment on +my other lineaments, I burst forth one bright morning into the realm of +eternal summer. The birds sang in my frozen bosom. I shed the gunnysack +wraps from my tender feet even as a butterfly or a tramp bursts his hull +in the spring time, and I laughed two or three coarse, outdoor laughs, +which shook the balmy branches of the tall pomegranate trees and +twittered in the dense foliage of the magnolia. + +The railroad was very kind to me at first. That was when I was buying my +ticket. Later on it became more harsh and even reproached me at times. +Conductors woke me up two or three times in the night to gaze fondly on +my ticket and look as if they were sorry they ever parted with it. On +the Central Pacific passengers are not permitted to give their tickets +to the porter on retiring. You must wake up and converse with the +conductor at all hours of the night, and hold a lantern for him while he +slowly spells out the hard words on your ticket. I did not like this, +and several times I murmured in a querulous tone to the conductor. But +he did not mind it. He went on doing the behests of his employer, and in +that way endearing himself to the great adversary of souls. + +I said to an official of the road: "Do you not think this is the worst +managed road in the United States--always excepting the Western North +Carolina Railroad, which is an incorporated insult to humanity?" + +"Well," he replied, "that depends, of course, on the standpoint from +which you view it. If we were trying to divert travel to the Southern +Pacific, also the rolling stock, the good-will, the culverts, the +dividends, the frogs, the snowsheds, the right of way and the new-laid +train figs, everything except the first, second and third mortgages, +which would naturally revert to the government, would you not think we +were managing the business with a steady hand and a watchful eye?" + +I said I certainly should. I then wrung his hand softly and stole away, +as he also began to do the same thing. + +[Illustration: _I improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of +the beautiful and picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians_ (Page +57)] + +At Reno we had a day or two in which to observe the city from the car +platform, while waiting for the blockade to be raised. We could not go +away from the train further than five hundred feet, for it might start +at any moment. That is one beauty about a snow blockade. It entitles you +to a stop-over, but you must be ready to hop on when the train starts. I +improved the time by cultivating the acquaintance of the beautiful and +picturesque outcasts known as the Piute Indians. They are a quiet, +reserved set of people, who, by saying nothing, sometimes obtain a +reputation for deep thought. I always envy anybody who can do that. Such +men make good presidential candidates. Candidates, I say, mind you. The +time has come in this country when it is hard to unite good +qualifications as a candidate with the necessary qualities for a +successful official. + +The Piute, in March or April, does not go down cellar and bring up his +gladiolus, or remove the banking from the side of his villa. He does not +mulch the asparagus bed, or prune the pie-plant, or rake the front yard, +or salt the hens. He does not even wipe his heartbroken and neglected +nose. He makes no especial change in his great life-work because spring +has come. He still looks serious, and like a man who is laboring under +the impression that he is about to become the parent of a thought. These +children of the Piute brave never mature. They do not take their places +in the histories or the school readers of our common country. The Piute +wears a bright red lap-robe over his person, and generally a stiff +Quaker hat, with a leather band. His hair is very thick, black and +coarse, and is mostly cut off square in the neck, by means of an adz, I +judge, or possibly it is eaten off by moths. The Piute is never bald +during life. After he is dead he becomes bald and beloved. + +Johnson Sides is a well-known Piute who had the pleasure of meeting me +at Reno. He said he was a great admirer of mine and had all my writings +in a scrap-book at home. He also said that he wished I would come and +lecture for his tribe. I afterward learned that he was an earnest and +hopeful liar from Truckee. He had no scrap-book at all. Also no home. + +Mr. Sides at one time became quite civilized, distinguishing himself +from his tribe by reading the Bible and imprisoning the lower drapery of +his linen garment in the narrow confines of a pair of cavalry trousers, +instead of giving it to the irresponsible breeze, as other Piutes did. +He then established a hotel up the valley in the Sierras, and decided to +lead a life of industry. He built a hostelry called the +Shack-de-Poker-Huntus, and advertised in the _Carson Appeal_, a paper +which even the editor, Sam Davis, says fills him with wonder and +amazement when he knows that people actually subscribe for it. Very soon +Piutes began to go to the shack to spend the heated term. Every Piute +who took the _Appeal_ saw the advertisement, which went on to state that +hot and cold water could be got into every room in the house, and that +electric bells, baths, silver-voiced chambermaids, over-charges, and +everything else connected with a first-class hotel, could be found at +that place. So the Piute people locked up their own homes, and, +ejecting the cat, they spat on the fire, and moved to the new summer +hotel. They took their friends with them. They had no money, but they +knew Johnson Sides, and they visited him all summer. + +In the fall Mr. Sides closed the house, and resuming his blanket he went +back to live with his tribe. When the butcher wagon called the next day +the driver found a notice of sale, and in the language of Sol Smith +Russell, "Good reasons given for selling." + +Mr. Sides had been a temperance man now for a year, at least externally, +but with the humiliation of this great financial wreck came a wild +desire to flee to the maddening bowl, having been monkeying with the +madding crowd all summer. So, silently, he obtained a bottle of Reno +embalming fluid and secreted himself behind a tree, where he was asked +to join himself in a social nip. He had hardly wiped away an idle tear +with the corner of his blanket and replaced the stopper in his tear jug +when the local representative of the U. G. J. E. T. A. of Reno came upon +him. He was reported to the lodge, and his character bade fair to be +smirched so badly that nothing but saltpeter and a consistent life could +save it. At this critical stage Mr. Davis, of the _Appeal_, came to his +aid, and not only gave him the support and encouragement of his columns, +but told Mr. Sides that he would see that the legislature took speedy +action in removing his alcoholic disabilities. Through the untiring +efforts of Mr. Davis, therefore, a bill was framed "whereby the drink +taken by Johnson Sides, of Nevada, be and is hereby declared null and +void." + +On a certain day Mr. Davis told him that the bill would come up for +final passage and no doubt pass without opposition, but a purse would +have to be raised to defray the expenses. The tribe began to collect +what money they had and to sell their grasshoppers in order to raise +more. + +Johnson Sides and his people gathered on the day named, and seated +themselves in the galleries. Slim old warriors with firm faces and +beetling brows, to say nothing of having their hair roached, but yet +with no flies on them to speak of, sat in the front seats. Large, +corpulent squaws, wearing health costumes, secured by telegraph wire, +listened to the proceedings, knowing no more of what was going on than +other people do who go to watch the legislature. Finally, however, Sam +Davis came and told Mr. Sides that he was now pure as the driven snow. I +saw him last week, but it seemed to me it was about time to get some +more special legislation for him. + +Once Mr. Davis met Mr. Sides on the street and was so glad to see him +that he said: "Johnson, I like you first-rate, and should always be glad +to see you. Whenever you can, let me know where you are." + +The next week Sam got quite a lot of telegrams from along the +railroad--for the Indians ride free on account of their sympathies with +the road. These telegrams were dated at different stations. They were +hopeful and even cheery, and were all marked "collect." They read about +as follows: + + _Sam Davis, Carson, Nev._: + + WINNEMUCCA, NEV., March 31. + + I am here. + JOHNSON SIDES. + +Every little while for quite a long time Mr. Davis would get a bright, +reassuring telegram, sometimes in the middle of the night, when he was +asleep, informing him that Johnson Sides was "there," and he then would +go back to bed cheered and soothed and sustained. + + + + +THE SABBATH OF A GREAT AUTHOR + +VII + + +I awake at an unearthly hour on Sunday morning, after which I turn over +and go to sleep again. This second, or beauty sleep, I find to be almost +invaluable. I do it also with much more earnestness and expression than +that in the earlier part of the night. All the other people in the house +gradually wake up as I begin to get in my more fancy strokes. + +By eight o'clock everybody is stirring, and so I get up and glide about +in my pajamas, which makes me look almost like the "Clemenceau Case" in +search of an engagement. + +Mr. Rogers is going to have me sit to him in my pajamas for a group of +statuary. He also wishes to model an iron hitching post from me. + +On waking I at once take to me tub and give myself a good cold bath. + +I then put in my teeth. + +After doing some little studies in chiropody I throw a silk-velvet +dressing gown over my shoulders and look at my bright and girlish beauty +in a full-length mirror, comparing the dimpling curves, as I see them +reflected, with those shown in the morning paper. + +After reading a little from the chess column of some good author, I +descend to the _salon_ and greet my family smilingly in order to open +the day auspiciously. We all then sing around the parlor organ a little +pean entitled, "It's Funny When You Feel That Way." + +We now go to the breakfast room, where the children are taught to set +aside the daintiest bits for papa, because he might die some time and +then it would be a life-long regret to those who are spared that they +did not give him the tender part of the steer or the second joint of the +hen. + +After breakfast, which consists of chops, hashed brown potatoes, muffins +and coffee, preceded by canteloupe or baked beans, we proceed to +quarrel over who shall go to church and who shall remain at home to keep +the cattle out of the corn. + +We then go to church, those who can, at least, whilst the others remain +and read something that is improving. Sometimes I shave myself on Sunday +mornings. Then it takes me quite a while to get back into a religious +frame of mind. I do not manage very well in shaving myself, and people +who go by the house are often attracted by my yells. + +I go to church quite regularly and enjoy the sermon unless it is too +firm or personal. If it goes into doctrine too much I am apt to be quite +fatigued at its end on account of the mental reservations I have made +along through it. + +I like to go and hear about God's love, but I am rarely benefited by a +discourse which enlarges upon his jealousy. When I am told also that God +spares no pains in getting even with people, I not only do not enjoy the +information, but I would sit up till a late hour at night to doubt it. + +[Illustration: _He sometimes succeeds in getting himself disliked by +some other dog and then I can observe the fight_ (Page 67)] + +I shake hands with the pastor, and after suggesting something for him to +preach about on the following Sabbath, I go home. + +In the afternoon I go walking if no one calls. We have dinner at 2 +o'clock on Sunday, consisting of jerked beef smothered in milk gravy. +This is the remove. For side dishes we have squash or meat pie. We +sometimes open with soup and then have clean plates all around, with +fowl and greens, tapering off with some kind of rich pie. + +After dinner I sometimes nap a little and then fool with the colt. This +is done quietly, however, so as not to break in upon the devotional +spirit of the day. After this I go for a walk or converse intelligently +with any foreign powers who may be visiting our shores. + +When I walk I am generally accompanied by a restless Queen Anne dog, +which precedes me about a mile. He sometimes succeeds in getting himself +disliked by some other dog and then I can observe the fight when I catch +up with him. + +As the twilight gathers all seem ready again for more food and we begin +to clamor for pabulum, keeping it up until either square or round +crackers and smearcase are produced. These are washed down with foaming +beakers of sarsaparilla. + +As the evening lamp is now lighted, I produce some good book or pamphlet +like "The Greatest Thing in the World," and read from it, occasionally +cuffing a child in order to keep everything calm and reposeful. At 9 +o'clock the cat is expelled and the eight-day clock is wound up for the +week. Gazing up at the bright cold stars after kicking forth the cat, I +realize that another Sabbath has been filed away in the great big brawny +bosom of the past, and with a little remorseful sigh and an incipient +sob when I think that I am not making a better record, I drive a fence +nail in over the door latch and seek my library which, on being properly +approached, opens and becomes a beautiful couch. + + + + +A FLYER IN DIRT + +VIII + + +I have just returned from a visit to my property at Minneapolis, and can +not refrain from referring to its marvelous growth. The distance between +it and the business center of the city has also grown a good deal since +I last saw it. This is the property which I purchased some three years +ago of a real good man. His name is Pansley--Flinton Pansley. He has +done business in most all the towns of the Northwest. Perhaps a further +word or two about this pious gentleman will not be amiss. Entering a +place quietly and even meekly, with a letter to the local pastor, he +would begin reaching out his little social tendrils by sighing over the +lost and undone condition of mankind. After regretting the state in +which he had found God's vineyard, he would rent a store and sell goods +at a sacrifice, but when the sacrifice was being offered up, a close +observer would discover that Mr. Pansley was not in it. + +In this way he would build up quite a trade, only sparing a little time +each day in which to retire to his closet and sob over the altogether +godless condition in which he had found man. He would then make an +assignment. + +Pardon me for again referring to the matter, but I do so utterly without +malice, and in connection with the unparalleled growth of my property +here. So if the gentle and rather attractive reader will excuse a bad +pen, and some plain stationery, as my own crested writing-paper is in my +trunk, which is now in the possession of a well-known hotel man whose +name is suppressed on account of his family, I shall refer again briefly +to the property and the circumstances surrounding its purchase. I had +intended to put a good fence around it ere this, but with these peculiar +circumstances surrounding it, I feel that it is safe from intrusion. + +The property was sold to my wife by Mr. Pansley at a sacrifice, but when +the burnt offering had ascended, and the atmosphere had cleared, and the +ashes on the altar had been blown aside, the suspender buttons of Mr. +Pansley were not there. He had taken his bright red mark-down figures, +and a letter to his future pastor, and gone to another town. He is now +selling groceries. From town lots to groceries is, to a versatile man, a +very small stride. He is in business in St. Paul, and that has given +Minneapolis quite a little spurt of prosperity. + +We exchanged a cottage for city lots unimproved, as I said in a former +article, and got Mr. Pansley to do it for us. My wife gave him her +carriage for acting in that capacity. She was sorry she could not do +more for him, because he was a man who had found his fellow-men in such +an undone condition everywhere, and had been trying ever since to do +them up. + +The property lies about half-way between the West Hotel and the open +Polar Sea, and is in a good neighborhood, looking south; at least it +was the other day when I left it. It lies all over the northwest, +resembling in that respect the man we bought it of. + +Mr. Pansley took the carriage, also the wrench with which I was wont to +take off the nuts thereof when I greased it on Sabbath mornings. We +still go to church, but we walk. Occasionally Mr. Pansley whirls by us, +and his dust and debris fall upon my freshly ironed and neat linen coat +as he passes by us with a sigh. + +He said once that he did not care for money if he only could let in the +glad sunlight of the gospel upon the heathen. + +"Why," I exclaimed, "why do you wish to let in the glad sunlight of the +gospel upon the heathen?" + +"Alas!" he said, brushing away a tear with the corner of a gray shawl +which he wore, and wiping his bright, piercing nose on the top rail of +my fence, "so that they would not go to hell, Mr. Nye!" + +"And do you think that the heathen who knows nothing of God will go to +hell, or has been going to hell for, say, ten thousand years, without +having seen a daily paper or a Testament?" + +"I do. Millions of ignorant people in yet undiscovered lands are going +to hell daily without the knowledge of God." With that he turned away, +and concealed his emotion in his shawl, while his whole frame shook. + +"But, even if he should escape by reason of his ignorance, we can not +escape the responsibility of shedding the light of the gospel upon his +opaque soul," said he. + +So I gave him $2 to assist the poor heathen to a place where he may +share the welcome of a cordial and eternal damnation along with the more +educated and refined classes. Whether the heathen will ever appreciate +it or not, I can not tell at this moment. Lately I have had a little ray +of fear that he might not, and with that fear, like a beam of sunshine, +comes the blessed hope that possibly something may have happened to the +$2, and that mayhap it did not get there. + +I went up to see the property with which my wife had been endowed by the +generous foresight of Mr. Pansley, the heathen's friend. I had seen the +place before, but not in the autumn. + +Oh, no, I had not saw it in the hectic of the dying year! I had not saw +it when the squirrel, the comic lecturer, and the Italian go forth to +gather their winter hoard of chestnuts. I had not saw it as the god of +day paints the royal mantle of the year's croaking monarch and the crow +sinks softly onto the swelling bosom of the dead horse. I had only saw +it in the wild, wet spring. I had only saw it when the frost and the +bullfrog were heaving out of the ground. + +[Illustration: _Then rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off +into the scrub pine, carrying with me a large board_ (Page 74)] + +I strolled out there. I rode on the railroad for a couple of hours +first, I think. Then I got off at a tank, where I got a nice, cool, +refreshing drink of as good, pure water as I ever flung a lip over. Then +rolling my trousers up a yard or two, I struck off into the scrub pine, +carrying with me a large board on which I had painted in clear, +beautiful characters: + + FOR SALE. + + The owner finding it necessary to go to Europe for eight or nine + years, in order to brush up on the languages of the continent and + return a few royal visits there, will sell all this suburban + property. Terms reasonable. No restrictions except that street-cars + shall not run past these lots at a higher rate of speed than sixty + miles per hour without permission of the owner. + +I think that the property looks better in the autumn even than it does +in spring. The autumn leaves are falling. Also the price on this piece +of property. It would be a good time to buy it now. Also a good time to +sell. I shall add nothing because it has been associated with me. That +will cut no figure, for it has not been associated with me so very long, +or so very intimately. + +The place, with advertising and the free use of capital, could be made a +beautiful rural resort, or it could be fenced off tastefully into a +cheap commodious place in which to store bears for market. + +But it has grown. It is wider, it seems to me, and there is less to +obstruct the view. As soon as commutation or dining trains are put on +between Minneapolis and Sitka, a good many pupils will live on my +property and go to school at Sitka. + +Trade is quiet in that quarter at present, however, and traffic is +practically at a standstill. A good many people have written to me +asking about my subdivision and how various branches of industry would +thrive there. Having in an unguarded moment used the stamps, I hasten to +say that they would be premature in going there now, unless in pursuit +of rabbits, which are extremely prevalent. + +Trade is very dull, and a first or even a second national bank in my +subdivision of the United States would find itself practically out of a +job. A good newspaper, if properly conducted, could have some fun and +get a good many advertisements by swopping kind words at regular +catalogue prices for goods. But a theater would not pay. I write this +for the use of a man who has just written to know if a good opera-house +with folding seats would pay a fair investment on capital. No, it would +not. I will be fair and honest. Smarting as I do yet under the cruel +injustice done me by the meek and gentle groceryman, who, while he wept +upon my corrugated bosom with one hand, softly removed my pelt with the +other and sprinkled Chili sauce all over me, I will not betray my own +friends. Even with my still bleeding carcass quivering under the Halford +sauce of Mr. Pansley, the "skin" and hypocrite, the friend of the +far-distant savage and the foe of those who are his unfortunate +neighbors, I will not betray even a stranger. Though I have used his +postage-stamp I shall not be false to him. An opera-house this fall +would be premature. Most everybody's dates are booked, anyhow. We could +not get Francis Wilson or Nat C. Goodwin or Lillian Russell or Henry +Irving or Mr. Jefferson, for they are all too busy turning people away, +and I would hate to open with James Owen O'Connor or any other +mechanical appliance. + +No. Wait another year at least. At present an opera-house in my +subdivision of the solar system would be as useless as a Dull Thud in +the state of New York. + +One drawback to the immediate prosperity of the place is that +commutation rates are yet in their infancy. Eighty-seven and one-half +cents per ride on trains which run only on Tuesdays and Fridays is not +sufficient compensation for the long and lonely walk and the paucity of +some suitable cottages when one gets there. + +So I will sell the dear old place, with all its associations and the +good-will of a thriving young frog conservatory, at the buyer's price. +As I say, there has been since I was last there a steady growth, which +is mostly noticeable on the mortgage that I secured along with the +property. It was on there when I bought it, and as it could not be +removed without injury to the realty, according to an old and +established law of Justinian or Coke or Littleton, Mr. Pansley ruled +that it was part of the property and passed with its conveyance. It is +looking well, with a nice growth of interest around the edges and its +foreclosure clause fully an inch and a half long. + +I shall be willing, in case I do not find a cash buyer, to exchange the +property for almost anything I can eat, except Paris green. Nor should I +hesitate to swap the whole thing, to a man whom I +felt that I could respect, for a good bird dog. I am also willing to +trade the lots for a milk route or a cold storage. It would be a good +site for some gentleman in New York to build a country cottage. + +I should also swap the estate to a man who really means business for a +second-hand cellar. Call on or address the undersigned early, and please +do not push or rudely jostle those in the line ahead of you. + +Cast-off clothing, express prepaid, and free from all contagious +diseases, accepted at its full value. Anything left by mistake in the +pockets will be taken good care of, and, possibly, returned in the +spring. + +Gunnysack Oleson, who lives eight miles north of the county line, will +show you over the grounds. Please do not hitch horses to the trees. I +will not be responsible for horses injured while tied to my trees. + +A new railroad track is thinking of getting a right of way next year, +which may be nearer by two miles than the one that I have to take, +provided they will let me off at the right place. + +I promise to do all that I can conscientiously for the road, to aid any +one who may buy the property, and I will call the attention of all +railroads to the advisability of a road in that direction. All that I +can honorably do, I will do. My honor is as dear to me as my gas bill +every year I live. + +N. B.--The dead horse on lot 9, block 21, Nye's Addition to the Solar +System, is not mine. Mine died before I got there. + + + + +A SINGULAR "HAMLET" + +IX + + +The closing debut of that great Shakespearian humorist and emotional +ass, Mr. James Owen O'Connor, at the Star Theater, will never be +forgotten. During his extraordinary histrionic career he gave his +individual and amazing renditions of Hamlet, Phidias, Shylock, Othello, +and Richelieu. I think I liked his Hamlet best, and yet it was a +pleasure to see him in anything wherein he killed himself. + +Encouraged by the success of beautiful but self-made actresses, and +hoping to win a place for himself and his portrait in the great soap and +cigarette galaxy, Mr. O'Connor placed himself in the hands of some +misguided elocutionist, and then sought to educate the people of New +York and elocute them out of their thralldom up into the glorious light +of the O'Connor school of acting. + +The first week he was in the hands of the critics, and they spoke quite +serenely of his methods. Later, it was deemed best to place his merits +in the hands of a man who would be on an equal footing with him. What +O'Connor wanted was one of his peers, who would therefore judge him +fairly. I was selected because I know nothing whatever about acting and +would thus be on an equality with Mr. O'Connor. + +After seeing his Hamlet I was of the opinion that he did wisely in +choosing New York for debutting purposes, for had he chosen Denver, +Colorado, at the end of the third act kind hands would have removed him +from the stage by means of benzine and a rag. + +I understand that Mr. O'Connor charged Messrs. Henry E. Abbey and Henry +Irving with using their influence among the masses in order to prejudice +said masses against Mr. O'Connor, thus making it unpleasant for him to +act, and inciting in the audience a feeling of gentle but evident +hostility, which Mr. O'Connor deprecated very much whenever he could +get a chance to do so. I looked into this matter a little and I do not +think it was true. Until almost the end of Mr. O'Connor's career, +Messrs. Abbey and Irving were not aware of his great metropolitan +success, and it is generally believed among the friends of the two +former gentlemen that they did not feel it so keenly as Mr. O'Connor was +led to suppose. + +But James Owen O'Connor did one thing which I take the liberty of +publicly alluding to. He took that saddest and most melancholy bit of +bloody history, trimmed with assassinations down the back and looped up +with remorse, insanity, duplicity and unrequited love, and he filled it +with silvery laughter and cauliflower and mirth, and various other +groceries which the audience throw in from time to time, thus making it +more of a spectacular piece than under the conservative management of +such old-school men as Booth, who seem to think that Hamlet should be +soaked full of sadness. + +I went to see Hamlet, thinking that I would be welcome, for my +sympathies were with James when I heard that Mr. Irving was picking on +him and seeking to injure him. I went to the box office and explained +who I was, and stated that I had been detailed to come and see Mr. +O'Connor act; also that in what I might say afterwards my instructions +were to give it to Abbey and Irving if I found that they had tampered +with the audience in any way. + +The man in the box office did not recognize me, but said that Mr. Fox +would extend to me the usual courtesies. I asked where Mr. Fox could be +found, and he said inside. I then started to go inside, but ran against +a total stranger, who was "on the door," as we say. He was feeding red +and yellow tickets into a large tin oven, and looking far, far away. I +conversed with him in low, passionate tones, and asked him where Mr. Fox +could be found. He did not know, but thought he was still in Europe. I +went back and told the box office that Mr. Fox was in Europe. He said +No, I would find him inside. "Well, but how shall I get inside?" I asked +eagerly, for I could already, I fancied, hear the orchestra beginning +to twang its lyre. + +"Walk in," said he, taking in $2 and giving back 50 cents in change to a +man with a dead cat in his overcoat pocket. + +I went back, and springing lightly over the iron railing while the +gatekeeper was thinking over his glorious past, I went all around over +the theater looking for Mr. Fox. I found him haggling over the price of +some vegetables which he was selling at the stage door and which had +been contributed by admirers and old subscribers to Mr. O'Connor at a +previous performance. + +When Mr. Fox got through with that I presented to him my card, which is +as good a piece of job work in colors as was ever done west of the +Missouri river, and to which I frequently point with pride. + +Mr. Fox said he was sorry, but that Mr. O'Connor had instructed him to +extend no courtesies whatever to the press. The press, he claimed, had +said something derogatory to Mr. O'Connor as a tragedian, and while he +personally would be tickled to death to give me two divans and a +folding-bed near the large fiddle, he must do as Mr. O'Connor had +bid--or bade him, I forget which; and so, restraining his tears with +great difficulty, he sent me back to the entrance and although I was +already admitted in a general way, I went to the box office and +purchased a seat. I believe now that Mr. Fox thought he had virtually +excluded me from the house when he told me I should have to pay in order +to get in. + +I bought a seat in the parquet and went in. The audience was not large +and there were not more than a dozen ladies present. + +Pretty soon the orchestra began to ooze in through a little opening +under the stage. Then the overture was given. It was called "Egmont." +The curtain now arose on a scene in Denmark. I had asked an usher to +take a note to Mr. O'Connor requesting an audience, but the boy had +returned with the statement that Mr. O'Connor was busy rehearsing his +soliloquy and removing a shirred egg from his outer clothing. + +He also said he could not promise an audience to any one. It was all he +could do to get one for himself. + +So the play went on. Elsinore, where the first act takes place, is in +front of a large stone water tank, where two gentlemen armed with +long-handled hay knives are on guard. + +All at once a ghost who walks with an overstrung Chickering action and +stiff, jerky, Waterbury movement, comes in, wearing a dark mosquito net +over his head--so that harsh critics can not truly say there are any +flies on him, I presume. When the ghost enters most every one enjoys it. +Nobody seems to be frightened at all. I knew it was not a ghost as quick +as I looked at it. One man in the gallery hit the ghost on the head with +a soda cracker, which made him jump and feel of his ear; so I knew then +that it was only a man made up to look like a presence. + +One of the guards, whose name, I think, was Smith, had a droop to his +legs and an instability about the knees which were highly enjoyable. He +walked like a frozen-toed hen, and stood first on one foot and then on +the other, with almost human intelligence. His support was about as +poor as O'Connor's. + +After awhile the ghost vanished with what is called a stately tread, but +I would regard it more as a territorial tread. Horatio did quite well, +and the audience frequently listened to him. Still, he was about the +only one who did not receive crackers or cheese as a slight testimonial +of regard from admirers in the audience. + +Finally, Mr. James Owen O'Connor entered. It was fully five minutes +before he could be heard, and even then he could not. His mouth moved +now and then, and a gesture would suddenly burst forth, but I did not +hear what he said. At least I could not hear distinctly what he said. +After awhile, as people got tired and went away, I could hear better. + +Mr. O'Connor introduced into his Hamlet a set of gestures evidently +intended for another play. People who are going to act out on the stage +can not be too careful in getting a good assortment of gestures that +will fit the play itself. James had provided himself with a set of +gestures which might do for Little Eva, or "Ten Nights in a Bar-room," +but they did not fit Hamlet. There is where he makes a mistake. Hamlet +is a man whose victuals don't agree with him. He feels depressed and +talks about sticking a bodkin into himself, but Mr. O'Connor gives him a +light, elastic step, and an air of persiflage, _bonhomie_, and frisk, +which do not match the character. + +Mr. O'Connor sought in his conception and interpretation of Hamlet to +give it a free and jaunty Kokomo flavor--a nameless twang of tansy and +dried apples, which Shakespeare himself failed to sock into his great +drama. + +James did this, and more. He took the wild-eyed and morbid Blackwell's +Island Hamlet, and made him a $2 parlor humorist who could be the life +of the party, or give lessons in elocution, and take applause or +crackers and cheese in return for the same. + +There is really a good lesson to be learned from the pitiful and +pathetic tale of James Owen O'Connor. Injudicious friends, doubtless, +overestimated his value, and unduly praised his Smart Aleckutionary +powers. Loving himself unwisely but too extensively, he was led away +into the great, untried purgatory of public scrutiny, and the general +indictment followed. + +The truth stands out brighter and stronger than ever that there is no +cut across lots to fame or success. He who seeks to jump from mediocrity +to a glittering triumph over the heads of the patient student, and the +earnest, industrious candidate who is willing to bide his time, gets +what James Owen O'Connor received--the just condemnation of those who +are abundantly able to judge. + +In seeking to combine the melancholy beauty of Hamlet's deep and earnest +pathos with the gentle humor of "A Hole in the Ground," Mr. O'Connor +evidently corked himself, as we say at the Browning Club, and it was but +justice after all. Before we curse the condemnation of the people and +the press, let us carefully and prayerfully look ourselves over, and see +if we have not overestimated ourselves. + +There are many men alive to-day who do not dare say anything without +first thinking how it will read in their memoirs--men whom we can not, +therefore, thoroughly enjoy until they are dead, and yet whose graves +will be kept green only so long as the appropriation lasts. + + + + +MY MATRIMONIAL BUREAU + +X + + +The following matrimonial inquiries are now in my hands awaiting +replies, and I take this method of giving them more air. A few months +ago I injudiciously stated that I should take great pleasure in booming, +or otherwise whooping up, everything in the matrimonial line, if those +who needed aid would send me twenty-five cents, with personal +description, lock of hair, and general outline of the style of husband +or wife they were yearning for. As a result of thus yielding to a blind +impulse and giving it currency through the daily press, I now have a +huge mass of more or less soiled postage stamps that look as though they +had made a bicycle tour around the world, a haymow full of letters +breathing love till you can't rest, and a barrel of calico-colored hair. +It is a rare treat to look at this assortment of hair of every hue and +degree of curl and coarseness. When I pour it out on the floor it looks +like the interior of a western barber shop during a state fair. When I +want fun again I shall not undertake to obtain it by starting a +matrimonial agency. + +I have one letter from a man of twenty-seven summers, who pants to +bestow himself on some one at as early a date as possible. He tells me +on a separate slip of paper, which he wishes destroyed, that he is a +little given to "bowling up," a term with which I am not familiar, but +he goes on to say that a good, noble woman, with love in her heart and +an earnest desire to save a soul, could rush in and gather him in in +good shape. He says that he is worthy, and that if he could be snatched +from a drunkard's grave in time he believes he would become eminent. He +says that several people have already been overheard to say: "What a +pity he drinks." From this he is led to believe that a good wife, with +some means, could redeem him. He says it is quite a common thing for +young women where he lives to marry young men for the purpose of saving +them. + +I think myself that some young girl ought to come forward and snatch +this brand at an early date. + +The great trouble with men who form the bowl habit is that, on the +morrow, after they have been so bowling, they awake with a distinct and +well-defined sensation of soreness and swollenness about the head, +accompanied by a strong desire to hit some living thing with a stove +leg. The married man can always turn to his wife in such an emergency, +smite her and then go to sleep again, but to one who is doomed to wander +alone through life there is nothing to do but to suffer on, or go out +and strike some one who does not belong to his family, and so lay +himself liable to arrest. + +This letter is accompanied by a tin-type picture of a young man who +shaves in such a way as to work in a streak of whiskers by which he +fools himself into the notion that he has a long and luxuriant mustache. +He looks like a person who, under the influence of liquor, would weep +on the bosom of a total stranger and then knock his wife down because +she split her foot open instead of splitting the kindling. + +He is not a bad-looking man, and the freckles on his hands do not hurt +him as a husband. Any young lady who would like to save him from a +drunkard's grave can address him in my care, inclosing twenty-five +cents, a small sum which goes toward a little memorial fund I am getting +up for myself. My memory has always been very poor, and if I can do it +any good with this fund I shall do so. The lock of hair sent with this +letter may be seen at any time nailed up on my woodshed door. It is a +dull red color, and can be readily cut by means of a pair of tinman's +shears. + +The two following letters, taken at random from my files, explain +themselves: + + + "BURNT PRAIRIE, NEAR THE JUNCTION,} + "ON THE ROAD TO THE COURT HOUSE,} + "TENNESSEE, January 2.} + + "DEAR SIR--I am in search of a wife and would be willing to settle + down if I could get a good wife. I was but twenty-six years of age + when my mother died and I miss her sadly for she was oh so good and + kind to me her caring son. + + "I have been wanting for the past year to settle down, but I have + not saw a girl that I thought would make me a good, true wife. I + know I have saw a good deal of the world, and am inclined to be + cynical for I see how hollow everything is, and how much need there + is for a great reform. Sometimes I think that if I could express + the wild thoughts that surges up and down in my system, I could win + a deathless name. When I get two or three drinks aboard I can think + of things faster than I can speak them, or draw them off for the + paper. What I want is a woman that can economize, and also take the + place of my lost mother, who loved me and put a better polish on my + boots than any other living man. + + "I know I am gay and giddy in my nature, but if I could meet a + joyous young girl just emerging upon life's glad morn, and she had + means, I would be willing to settle down and make a good, quiet, + every-day husband. + + "A. J." + + "ASHMEAD, LEDUC CO., I.T.,} + "December 20.} + + "DEAR SIR--I have very little time in which to pencil off a few + lines regarding a wife. I am a man of business, and I can't fool + around much, but I would be willing to marry the right kind of a + young woman. I am just bursting forth on the glorious dawn of my + sixty-third year. I have been married before, and as I might almost + say, I have been in that line man and boy for over forty years. My + pathway has been literally decorated with wives ever since I was + twenty years old. + + "I ain't had any luck with my wives heretofore, for they have died + off like sheep. I've treated all of them as well as I knew how, + never asking of them to do any more than I did, and giving of 'em + just the same kind of vittles that I had myself, but they are all + gone now. There was a year or two that seemed just as if there was + a funeral procession stringing out of my front gate half the time. + + "What I want is a young woman that can darn a sock without working + two or three tumors into it, cook in a plain economical way without + pampering the appetites of hired help, do chores around the barn + and assist me in accumulating property. + + I. D. P." + +This last letter contains a small tress of dark hair that feels like a +bunch of barbed wire when drawn through the fingers, and has a tendency +to "crock." + + + + +THE HATEFUL HEN + +XI + + +The following inquiries and replies have been awaiting publication and I +shall print them here if the reader has no objections. I do not care to +keep correspondents waiting too long for fear they will get tired and +fail to write me in the future when they want to know anything. Mr. +Earnest Pendergast writes from Puyallup as follows: + +"Why do you not try to improve your appearance more? I think you could +if you would, and we would all be so glad. You either have a very +malicious artist, or else your features must pain you a good deal at +times. Why don't you grow a mustache?" + +These remarks, of course, are a little bit personal, Earnest, but still +they show your goodness of heart. I fear that you are cursed with the +fatal gift of beauty yourself and wish to have others go with you on +the downward way. You ask why I do not grow a mustache, and I tell you +frankly that it is for the public good that I do not. I used to wear a +long, drooping and beautiful mustache, which was well received in +society, and, under the quiet stars and opportune circumstances, gave +good satisfaction; but at last the hour came when I felt that I must +decide between this long, silky mustache and soft-boiled eggs, of which +I am passionately fond. I hope that you understand my position, Earnest, +and that I am studying the public welfare more than my own at all times. + +Sassafras Oleson, of South Deadman, writes to know something of the care +of fowls in the spring and summer. "Do you know," he asks, "anything of +the best methods for feeding young orphan chickens? Is there any way to +prevent hens from stealing their nests and sitting on inanimate objects? +Tell us as tersely as possible what your own experience has been with +hens." + +To speak tersely of the hen and her mission in life seems to me almost +sacrilege. It is at least in poor taste. The hen and her works lie near +to every true heart. She does much toward making us better, and she +doesn't care who knows it, either. Young chicks who have lost their +mothers by death, and whose fathers are of a shiftless and improvident +nature, may be fed on kumiss, two parts; moxie, eight parts; distilled +water, ten parts. Mix and administer till relief is obtained. Sometimes, +however, a guinea hen will provide for the young chicken, and many lives +have been saved in this way. Whether or not this plan will influence the +voice of the rising hen is a question among henologists of the country +which I shall not attempt to answer. + +Hens who steal their nests are generally of a secretive nature and are +more or less social pariahs. A hen who will do this should be watched at +all times and won back by kind words from the step she is about to take. +Brute force will accomplish little. Logic also does not avail. You +should endeavor to influence her by showing her that it is honorable at +all times to lay a good egg, and that as soon as she begins to be +secretive and to seek to mislead those who know and love her, she takes +a course which can not end with honor to herself or her descendants. + +I have made the hen a study for many years, and love to watch her even +yet as she resumes her toils on a falling market year after year, or +seeks to hatch out a summer hotel by setting on a door knob. She +interests and pleases me. Careful study of the hen convinces me that her +low, retreating forehead is a true index to her limited reasoning +faculties and lack of memory, ideality, imagination, calculation and +spirituality. She is also deficient in her enjoyment of humor. + +I once owned a large white draught rooster, who stood about seven hands +high, and had feet on him that would readily break down a whole +corn-field if he walked through it. Yet he lacked the courage of his +convictions, and socially was not a success. Leading hens regarded him +as a good-hearted rooster, and seemed to wonder that he did not get on +better in a social way. He had a rich baritone voice, and was a good +provider, digging up large areas of garden, and giving the hens what was +left after he got through, and yet they gave their smiles to far more +dissolute though perhaps brighter minds. So I took him away awhile, and +let him see something of the world by allowing him to visit among the +neighbors, and go into society a little. Then I brought him home again, +and one night colored him with diamond dyes so that he was a beautiful +scarlet. His name was Sumner. + +I took Sumner the following morning and turned him loose among his old +neighbors. Surprise was written on every face. He realized his +advantage, and the first thing he did was to greet the astonished crowd +with a gutteral remark, which made them jump. He then stepped over to a +hated rival, and ate off about fifteen cents' worth of his large, red, +pompadour comb. He now remarked in a courteous way to a small +Poland-China hen, who seemed to be at the head of all works of social +improvement, that we were having rather a backward spring. Then he +picked out the eye of another rival, much to his surprise, and went on +with the conversation. By noon the bright scarlet rooster owned the +town. Those who had picked on him before had now gone to the hospital, +and practically the social world was his. He got so stuck up that he +crowed whenever the conversation lagged, and was too proud to eat a worm +that was not right off the ice. I never saw prosperity knock the sense +out of a rooster so soon. He lost my sympathy at once, and I resolved to +let him carve out his own career as best he might. + +Gradually his tail feathers grew gray and faded, but he wore his head +high. He was arrogant and made the hens go worming for his breakfast by +daylight. Then he would get mad at the food and be real hateful and step +on the little chickens with his great big feet. + +But as his new feathers began to come in folks got on to him, as Matthew +Arnold has it, and the other roosters began to brighten up and also blow +up their biceps muscles. + +[Illustration: _He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should +say, "Have you got any more of that there red paint left?"_ (Page 105)] + +One day he was especially mean at breakfast. A large fat worm, brought +to him by the flower of his harem, had a slight gamey flavor, he seemed +to think, and so he got mad and bit several chickens with his great +coarse beak and stepped on some more and made a perfect show of himself. + +At this moment a small bantam wearing one eye still in mourning danced +up and kicked Sumner's eye out. Then another rival knocked the stuffing +for a whole sofa pillow out of Sumner, and retired. By this time the +surprised and gratified hens stepped back and gave the boys a chance. +The bantam now put on his trim little telegraph climbers and, going up +Mr. Sumner's powerful frame at about four jumps, he put in some repairs +on the giant's features, presented his bill, and returned. By nine +o'clock Sumner didn't have features enough left for a Sunday paper. He +looked as if he had been through the elevated station at City Hall and +Brooklyn bridge. He looked up sadly at me with his one eye as who should +say, "Have you got any more of that there red paint left?" But I shook +my head at him and he went away into a little patch of catnip and +stayed there four days. After that you could get that rooster to do +anything for you--except lay. He was gentle to a fault. He would run +errands for those hens and turn an icecream freezer for them all day +on lawn festival days while others were gay. He never murmured nor +repined. He was kind to the little chickens and often spoke to them +about the general advantages of humility. + +After many years of usefulness Sumner one day thoughtlessly ate the +remains of a salt mackerel, and pulling the drapery of his couch about +him he lay down to pleasant dreams, and life's fitful fever was over. +His remains were given to a poor family in whom I take a great interest, +frequently giving them many things for which I have no especial use. + +This should teach us that some people can not stand prosperity, but need +a little sorrow, ever and anon, to teach them where they belong. And, +oh! how the great world smiles when a rooster, who has owned the ranch +for a year or so, and made himself odious, gets spread out over the +United States by a smaller one with less voice. + +The study of the fowl is filled with interest. Of late years I keep +fowls instead of a garden. Formerly my neighbors kept fowls and I kept +the garden. + +It is better as it is. + +Mertie Kersykes, Whatcom, Washington, writes as follows: "Dear Mr. Nye, +does pugilists ever reform? They are so much brought into Contax with +course natures that I do not see how they can ever, ever become good +lives or become professors of religion. Do you know if such is the case +to the best of your knowledge, and answeer Soon as convenient, and so no +more at Present." + + + + +AS A CANDIDATE + +XII + + +The heat and venom of each political campaign bring back to my mind with +wonderful clearness the bitter and acrimonious war, and the savage +factional fight, which characterized my own legislative candidacy in +what was called the Prairie Dog District of Wyoming, about ten years +ago. This district was known far and wide as the battleground of the +territory, and generally when the sun went down on the eve of election +day the ground had that disheveled and torn-up appearance peculiar to +the grave of Brigham Young the next day after his aggregated widow has +held her regular annual sob recital and scalding-tear festival. + +I hesitated about accepting the nomination because I knew that +Vituperation would get up on its hind feet and annoy me greatly, and I +had reason to believe that no pains would be spared on the part of the +management of the opposition to make my existence a perfect bore. This +turned out to be the case, and although I was nominated in a way that +seemed to indicate perfect harmony, it was not a week before the +opposition organ, to which I had frequently loaned print paper when it +could not get its own C. O. D. paper out of the express office, said as +follows in a startled and double-leaded tone of voice: + + +"HUMILIATING DISCLOSURE. + + "The candidate for assembly in this district, whose trans-Missouri + name seems to be Nye, turns out to be the same man who left + Penobscot county, Maine, in the dark of the moon four years ago. + Mr. Nye's disappearance was so mysterious that prominent + Penobscoters, especially the sheriff, offered a large reward for + his person. It was afterwards learned that he was kidnapped + and taken across the Canadian line by a high-spirited + and high-stepping horse valued at $1,300. Mr. Nye's candidacy for + the high office to which he aspires has brought him into such + prominence that at the mass meeting held last evening in Jimmy + Avery's barber-shop, he was recognized at once by a Maine man while + making a telling speech in favor of putting in a stone culvert at + the draw above Mandel's ranch. The man from Maine, who is visiting + our thriving little town with a view to locating here and + establishing an agency for his world-renowned rock-alum axe-helves, + says that Mr. Nye, in the hurry and rush incident to his departure + for Canada, overlooked his wife and seven little ones. He also says + that the candidate's boasted liberality here is different from the + kind he was using while in Maine, and quotes the following + incident: Two years before he went away from Penobscot county, one + of our present candidate's children was playing on the railroad + track of the Bangor & Moosehead Lake Railroad, when suddenly there + was a wild shriek of the iron-horse, a timid, scared cry of the + child, and the rushing train was upon it. Spectators turned away + in horror. The air was heavy, and the sun seemed to stop its + shining. Slowly the long freight train, loaded with its rich + freight of huckleberries, came to a halt. A glad cry went up from + the assembly as the broad-shouldered engineer came out of the tall + grass with the crowing child in his arms. Then cheer on cheer rent + the air, and in the midst of it all, Mr. Nye appeared. He was told + of the circumstance, and, as he wrung the hand of the engineer, + tears stood in his eyes. Then, reaching in his pocket, he drew + forth a card, and writing his autograph on it, he gave it to the + astounded engineer, telling him to use it wisely and not fritter it + away. 'But are you not robbing yourself?' exclaimed the astonished + and delighted engineer. 'No, oh no,' said the munificent parent, 'I + have others left.' And this is the man who asks our suffrages! Will + you vote for him or for Alick Meyerdinger, the purest one-legged + man that ever rapped with his honest knuckles on top of a bar and + asked the boys to put a name to it." + +I was pained to read this, for I had not at that time toyed much with +politics, but I went up stairs and practiced an hour or two on a hollow +laugh that I thought would hide the pain which seemed to tug at my +heart-strings. For the rest of the day I strolled about town bearing a +lurid campaign smile that looked about as joyous as the light-hearted +gambols of a tin horse. + +I visited my groceryman, a man whom I felt that I could trust, and who +had honored me in the same way. He said that I ought to be indorsed by +my fellow-citizens. "What! All of them?" I exclaimed, with a choking +sensation, for I had once tried to be indorsed by one of my +fellow-citizens and was not entirely successful. "No," said he, "but you +ought to be ratified and indorsed by those who know you best and love +you most." + +"Well," said I, "will you attend to that?" + +"Yes, of course I will. You must not give up hope. Where do you buy your +meat?" + +I told him the name of my butcher. + +"And do you owe him about the same that you do me?" + +I said I didn't think there could be $5 one way or the other. + +"Well, give me a memorandum of what you can call to mind that you owe +around town. I will see all these parties and we will get them together +and work up a strong and hearty home indorsement for you, which will +enable you to settle with all of us at par in the event of your +election." + +I gave him a list. + +That evening a load of lumber was deposited on my lawn, and a man came +in to borrow a few pounds of fence nails. I asked him what he wanted to +do, for I thought he was going to nail a campaign lie or something. He +said he was the man who was sent up to build a kind of "trussle" in +front of my house. "What for?" I asked, with eyes like a startled fawn. +"Why, for the speakers to stand on," he said. "It is a kind of a +combination racket. Something between a home indorsement and a +mass-meeting of creditors. You are to be surprised and gratified +to-morrow evening, as near as I can make out." + +He then built a wobbly scaffold, one end of which was nailed to the bay +window of the house. + +The next evening my heart swelled when I heard a campaign band coming up +the street, trying to see how little it could play and still draw its +salary. The band was followed by men with torches, and speakers in +carriages. A messenger was sent into the house to tell me that I was +about to be waited upon by my old friends and neighbors, who desired to +deliver to me their hearty indorsement, and a large willow-covered +two-gallon godspeed as a mark of esteem. + +[Illustration: _"Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I +thank God that you are POOR!!!"_ (Page 115)] + +The spokesman, as soon as I had stepped out on my veranda, mounted the +improvised platform previously erected, and after a short and +debilitated solo and chorus by the band, said as follows, as near as I +can now recall his words: + + "_Mr. Nye_-- + +"SIR: We have read with pain the open and venomous attacks of the foul +and putrid press of our town, and come here to-night to vindicate by our +presence your utter innocence _as_ a man, _as_ a fellow-citizen, _as_ +a neighbor, _as_ a father, mother, brother or sister. + +"No one could look down into your open face, and deep, earnest lungs, +and then doubt you _as_ a man, _as_ a fellow-citizen, _as_ a neighbor, +_as_ a father, mother, brother or sister. You came to us a poor man, and +staked your all on the growth of this town. We like you because you are +still poor. You can not be too poor to suit us. It shows that you are +not corrupt. + +"Mr. Nye, on behalf of this vast assemblage (tremulo), I thank God that +you are POOR!!!" + +He then drew from his pocket a little memorandum, and, holding it up to +a torch, so that he could see it better, said that Mr. Limberquid would +emit a few desultory remarks. + +Mr. Limberquid, to whom I was at that time indebted for past favors in +the meat line, or, as you may say, the tenderloin, through no fault of +mine, then arose and said, in words and figures as follows, to wit: + +"SIR: I desire to say that we who know Mr. Nye best are here to say that +he certainly has one of the most charming wives in this territory. What +do we care for the vilifications of the press--a press, hired, venial, +corrupt, reeking in filth and oozy with the slime of its own impaired +circulation, snapping at the heels of its superiors, and steeped in the +reeking poison and pollution of its own shopworn and unmarketable +opinions? + +"We do not care a cuss! (Applause.) What do we care that homely men +grudge our candidate his symmetry of form and graceful upholstered +carriage? What do we care that calumny crawls out of its hole, +calumniates him a couple of times and then goes back? We are here +to-night to show by our presence that we like Mrs. Nye very much. She is +a good cook, and she would certainly do honor to this district as a +social leader, in case she should go to Cheyenne as the wife of our +assemblyman. I propose three cheers for her, fellow-citizens." +(Applause, cheers and throbs of base-drum.) + +Mr. Sherrod then said: + +"FELLER-CITIZENS: We glory in the fact that Whatshisname--Nye here, is +pore. We like him for the poverty he has made. Our idee in runnin' of +him fer the legislater, as I take it, is to not only run him along in +this here kind of hand-to-mouth poverty, but to kind of give him a +chance to accumulate poverty, and have some saved up fer a rainy day. + +"I kin call to mind how he looked when he come to this territory a pore +boy, and took off his coat and went right to work dealin' faro nights, +and earning his bread by the sweat of a sweat-board daytimes, for Tom +Dillon, acrost from the express office. And I say he is not a clost man. +He gives his money where folks don't git on to it. He don't git out the +band when he goes to do a kind act, but kind of sneaks around to people +who are in need, and offers to match 'em fer the cigars. + +"He's a feller of generous impulses, gentlemen, or at least I so regard +him, and I say here to-night, that if his other vitals was as big and +warm as his heart, he would live to deckorate the graves of nations yet +unborn." + +Several people wept here, and wiped their eyes on their alabaster hands. +I then sent my maid around through the audience with a bucketful of Salt +Lake cider, and a dishpan full of doughnuts, to restore good feeling. +But I can not soon forget how proud I was when I felt the hot tears and +doughnut crumbs of my fellow-citizens raining down my back. + +The band then played, "See the Conquering Hero Comes," and yielding to +the pressing demands of the populi, I made a few irrelevant, but low, +passionate remarks, as follows: + +"FELLOW-CITIZENS AND MEMBERS OF THE BAND--We are not here, as I +understand it, solely to tickle our palates with the twisted doughnuts +of our pampered and sin-cursed civilization, but to unite and give our +pledges once more to the support of the best men. In this teacup of +foaming and impervious cider from the Valley of the Jordan I drink to +the success of the best men. Fellow-citizens and members of the band, +we owe our fealty to the old party. Let us cling to the old party as +long as there is any juice in it and vote for its candidates. Let us +give our suffrages to men of advanced thought who are loyal to their +party but poor. Gentlemen, I am what would be called a poor but brainy +man. When I am not otherwise engaged you will always find me engaged in +thought. I love the excitement of following an idea and chasing it up a +tree. It is a great pleasure for me to pursue the red-hot trail of a +thought or the intellectual spoor of an idea. But I do not allow this +habit to interfere with politics. Politics and thought are radically +different. Why should man think himself weak on these political matters +when there are men who have made it their business and life study to do +the thinking for the masses? + +"This is my platform. I believe that a candidate should be poor; that he +should be a thinker on other matters, but leave political matters and +nominations to professional political ganglia and molders of primaries +who have given their lives and the inner coating of their stomachs to +the advancement of political methods by which the old, cumbersome and +dangerous custom of defending our institutions with drawn swords may be +superseded by the modern and more attractive method of doing so with +overdrawn salaries. + +"Fellow-citizens and members of the band, in closing let me say that you +have seen me placed in the trying position of postmaster for the past +year. For that length of time I have stood between you and the +government at Washington. I have assisted in upholding the strong arm of +the government, and yet I have not allowed it to crush you. No man here +to-night can say that I have ever, by word or deed, revealed outside the +office the contents of a postal card addressed to a member of my own +party or held back or obstructed the progress of new and startling seeds +sent by our representative from the Agricultural Department. I am in +favor of a full and free interchange of interstate red-eyed and pale +beans, and I favor the early advancement and earnest recognition of the +merits of the highly offensive partisan. I thank you, neighbors and band +(husky and pianissimo), for this gratifying little demonstration. Words +seem empty and unavailing at this time. Will you not accept the +hospitality of my home? Neighbors, you are welcome to these halls. Come +in and look at the family album." + +The meeting then became informal, and the chairman asked me as he came +down from his perch how I would be fixed by the first of the month. I +told him that I could not say, but hoped that money matters would show +less apathy by that time. + +I have already taken up too much space, however, in this simple recital, +and I have only room to say that I was not elected, and that of the +seventy-five who came up to indorse me and then go home exhilarated by +my cheering doughnuts, forty voted for the other man, thereby electing +him by a plurality of everybody. Home indorsement, hard-boiled eggs and +hot tears of reconciliation can never fool me again. They are as empty +as the bass drum by which they are invariably accompanied. A few years +ago a majority of the voters of a newly-fledged city in Wisconsin signed +a petition asking a gentleman named Bradshaw to run for the office of +mayor. He said he did not want it, but if a majority had signified in +writing that they needed him every hour, he would allow his name to be +used. They then turned in and defeated him by a handsome majority, thus +showing that the average patriotism of the present day has a string to +it. + + Who was the first to make the claim + That I would surely win the game, + But now that Dennis is my name? + The Patriot. + + Who stated that my chance was best, + And came and wept upon my breast, + Only to knock me galley West? + The Patriot. + + Who told me of the joy he felt, + While he upon my merits dwelt? + Who then turned in and took my pelt? + The Patriot. + + + + +SUMMER BOARDERS AND OTHERS + +XIII + + +"We kep' summer boarders the past season," said Orlando McCusick, of +East Kortright, to me as we sat in the springhouse and drank cold milk +from a large yellow bowl with white stripes around it; "we kep' boarders +from town all summer in the Catskills, and that is why I don't figger on +doing of it this year. You fellers that writes the pieces and makes the +pictures of us folks what keeps the boarders has got the laugh on us as +a general thing, but I would like to be interviewed a little for the +press, so's that I can be set right before the American people." + +"Well, if you will state the case fairly and honestly, I will try to +give you a chance." + +"In the first place," said Orlando, taking off his boot and removing his +jack-knife which had worked its way through his pocket and down his +leg, then squinting along the new "tap" with one eye to see how it was +wearing before he put it on, "I did not know how healthy it was here +until I read in a railroad pamphlet, I guess you call it, where it says +that the relation of temperature to oxygen in a certain quantity of air +is of the highest importance. 'In a cubic foot,' it says, 'of air at +3,000 feet elevation, with a temperature of 32 degrees, there is as much +oxygen as in a like amount of air at sea level with a temperature of 65 +degrees. Another important fact that should not be lost sight of,' this +able feller says, 'by those affected by pulmonary diseases, is that +three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in activity as in +repose.' (Hence the hornet's nests introduced by me last season.) 'Then +in climates made stimulating by increased electric tension and cold, +activity must be followed by an increased endosmose of oxygen." + +"So you decided to select and furnish endosmose of oxygen to sufferers?" + +[Illustration: ... _'Three or four times as much oxygen is consumed in +activity as in repose.' (Hence the hornet's nests introduced by me last +season.)_ (Page 124)] + +"Yes. I went into it with no notions of making a pile of money, but I +argued that these folks would give anything for health. We folks are +apt to argy that people from town are all well off and liberal, and that +if they can come out and get all the buttermilk and straw rides they +want, and a little flush of color and a wood-tick on the back of their +necks, they don't reck a pesky reck what it costs. This is only +occasionly so. Ask any doctor you know of if the average man won't give +anything to save his life, and then when it's saved put his propity into +his womern's name. That's human. You know the good book says a pure man +from New York is the noblest work of God." + +"Well, when did this desire to endosmose your fellow-man first break out +on you?" + +"About a year and a half ago it began to rankle in my mind. I read up +everything I could get hold of regarding the longevity and such things +to be had here. In the winter I sent in a fair, honest, advertisement +regarding my place, and, Judas H. Priest! before I could say 'scat' in +the spring, here came letters by the dozen, mostly from school-teachers +at first, that had a good command of language, but did not come. I +afterwards learned that these letters was frequently wrote by folks that +was not able to go into the country, so wrote these letters for mental +improvement, hoping also that some one in the country might want them +for the refinement they would engender in the family. + +"I took one young woman from town once, and allowed her 25 per cent. off +for her refining influence. Her name was Etiquette McCracken. She knew +very little in the first place, and had added to it a good deal by +storing up in her mind a lot of membranous theories and damaged facts +that ought to ben looked over and disinfected. She was the most hopeless +case I ever saw, Mr. Nye. She was a metropolitan ass. You know that a +town greenhorn is the greenest greenhorn in the world, because he can't +be showed anything. He knows it all. Well, Etiquette McCracken very nigh +paralyzed what few manners my children had. She pointed at things at +table, and said she wanted some o' that, and she had a sort of a starved +way of eating, and short breath, and seemed all the time apprehensive. +She probably et off the top of a flour barrel at home. She came and +stayed all summer at our house, with a wardrobe which was in a +shawl-strap wrapped up in a programme of one of them big theaters on +Bowery street. I guess she led a gay life in the city. She said she did. +She said if her set was at our house they would make it ring with +laughter. I said if they did I'd wring their cussed necks with laughter. +'Why,' she says, 'don't you like merriment?' 'Yes,' I says, 'I like +merriment well enough, but the cackle of a vacant mind rattling around +in a big farmhouse makes me a fiend, and unmans me, and I gnaw up two or +three people a day till I get over it,' I says." + +"Well, what became of Miss McCracken?" + +"Oh, she went up to her room in September, dressed herself in a long +linen duster, did some laundry work, and the next day, with her little +shawl-strap, she lit out for the city, where she was engaged to marry a +very wealthy old man whose mind had been crowded out by an intellectual +tumor, but who had a kind heart and had pestered her to death for years +to marry him and inherit his wealth. I afterwards learned that in this +matter she had lied." + +"Did you meet any other pleasant people last season?" + +"Yes. I met some blooded children from Several Hundred and Fifth street. +They come here so's they could get a breath of country air and wear out +their old cloze. Their mother said the poor things wanted to get out of +the mawlstrum of meetropolitan life. She said it was awful where they +lived. Just one round of gayety all the while. They come down and salted +my hens, and then took and turned in and chased a new milch cow eight +miles, with two of 'em holdin' of her by the tail, and another on top of +her with a pair of Buffalo Bill spurs and a false face, yelling like a +volunteer fire company. Then the old lady kicked because we run short of +milk. Said it was great if she couldn't have milk when she come to the +wilderness to live and paid her little old $3 a week just as regular as +Saturday night come round. + +"These boys picked on mine all summer because my boys was plain little +fellers with no underwear, but good impulses and a general desire to lay +low and eventually git there, understand. My boys is considerable +bleached as regards hair, and freckled as to features, and they are not +ready in conversation like a town boy, but they would no more drive a +dumb animal through the woods till it was all het up, or take a new +milch cow and scare the daylights out of her, and yell at her and pull +out her tail, and send her home with her pores all open, than they'd be +sent to the legislature without a crime. + +"A neighbor of mine that see these boys when they was scarin' my cow to +death said if they'd of been his'n he'd rather foller 'em to their grave +than seen 'em do that. That's putting of it rather strong, but I believe +I would myself. + +"We had a nice old man that come out here to attend church, he said. He +belonged to a big church in town, where it cost him so much that he +could hardly look his Maker in the face, he said. Last winter, he told +us, they sold the pews at auction, and he had an affection for one, +'specially 'cause he and his wife had set in it all their lives, and now +that she was dead he wanted it, as he wanted the roof that had been over +them all their married lives. So he went down when they auctioned 'em +off, as it seems they do in those big churches, and the bidding started +moderate, but run up till they put a premium on his'n that froze him +out, and he had to take a cheap one where he couldn't hear very well, +and it made him sort of bitter. Then in May, he says, the Palestine rash +broke out among the preachers in New York, and most of 'em had to go to +the Holy Land to get over it, because that is the only thing you can do +with the Palestine rash when it gets a hold on a pastor. So he says to +me, 'I come out here mostly to see if I could get any information from +the Throne of Grace.' + +"He was a rattlin' fine old feller, and told me a good deal about one +thing and another. He said he'd seen it stated in the paper that +salvation was free, but in New York he said it was pretty well +protected for an old-established industry. + +"He knew Deacon Decker pretty well. Deacon Decker was an old playmate of +Russell Sage, but didn't do so well as Russ did. He went once to New +York after he got along in years, and Sage knew him, but he couldn't +seem to place Sage. 'Why, Decker,' says Sage, 'don't you know me?' +Decker says, 'That's all right. You bet I know ye. You're one of these +fellows that knows everybody. There's another feller around the corner +that helps you to remember folks. I know ye. I read the papers. Git out. +Scat. Torment ye, I ain't in here to-day buyin' green goods, nor yet to +lift a freight bill for ye. So avaunt before I sick the police on ye.' + +"Finally Russ identified himself, and shook dice with the deacon to see +which should buy the lunch at the dairy kitchen. This is a true story, +told me by an old neighbor of Deacon Decker's. + +"Deacon Decker once discovered a loose knot in his pew seat in church, +and while considering the plan of redemption, thoughtlessly pushed with +considerable force on this knot with his thumb. At first it resisted the +pressure, but finally it slipped out and was succeeded by the deacon's +thumb. No one saw it, so the deacon, slightly flushed, gave it a +stealthy wrench, but the knot-hole had a sharp conical bottom, and the +edge soon caught and secured the rapidly swelling thumb of Deacon +Decker. + +"During the closing prayer he worked at it with great diligence and all +the saliva he could spare, but it resisted. It was a sad sight. Finally +he gave it up, and said to himself the struggle was useless. He tried to +be resigned and wait till all had gone. He shook his head when the plate +was passed to him, and only bowed when the brethren passed him on the +way out. Some thought that maybe he was cursed with doubts, but reckoned +that they would pass away. + +"Finally he was missed outside. He was generally so chipper and so +cheery. So his wife was asked about him. 'Why, father's inside. I'll go +and get him. I never knew him to miss shaking hands with all the +folks.' + +"So she went in and found Deacon Decker trying to interest himself with +a lesson leaf in one hand, while his other was concealed under his hat. +He could fool the neighbors, but he could not fool his wife, and so she +hustled around and told one or two, who told their wives, and they all +came back to see the deacon and make suggestions to him. + +"This little incident is true, and while it does not contain any special +moral, it goes to show that an honest man gathers no moss, and also +explains a large circular hole, and the tin patch over it, which may +still be seen in the pew where Deacon Decker used to sit." + + + + +THREE OPEN LETTERS + +XIV + + +_Colonel John L. Sullivan, at large:_ + +DEAR SIR--Will you permit me, without wishing to give you the slightest +offense, to challenge you to fight in France with bare knuckles and +police interference, between this and the close of navigation? + +I have had no real good fight with anybody for some time, and should be +glad to co-operate with you in that direction, preferring, however, to +have it attended to in time so that I can go on with my fall plowing. I +should also like to be my own stake holder. + +We shall have to fight at 135 pounds, because I can not train above that +figure without extra care and good feeding, while you could train down +to that, I judge, if you begin to go without food on receipt of this +challenge. I should ask that we fight under the rules of the London +prize ring, in the Opera House in Paris. If you decide to accept, I will +engage the house at once and put a few good reading notices in the +papers. + +I should expect a forfeit of $5,000 to be put up, so that in case you +are in jail at the time, I may have something to reimburse me for my +trip to Paris and the general upheaval of my whole being which arises +from ocean travel. + +I challenge you as a plain American citizen and an amateur, partially to +assert the rights of a simple tax-payer and partly to secure for myself +a name. I was, as a boy, the pride of my parents, and they wanted me to +amount to something. So far, the results have been different. Will you +not aid me, a poor struggler in the great race for supremacy, to obtain +that notice which the newspapers now so reluctantly yield? You are said +to be generous to a fault, especially your own faults, and I plead with +you now to share your great fame by accepting my challenge and appearing +with me in a mixed programme for the evening, in which we will jointly +amuse and instruct the people, while at the same time it will give me a +chance to become great in one day, even if I am defeated. + +I have often admired your scholarly and spiritual expressions, and your +modest life, and you will remember that at one time I asked you for your +autograph, and you told me to go where the worm dieth not and the fire +department is ineffectual. Will you not, I ask, aid a struggler and +panter for fame, who desires the eye of the public, even if his own be +italicised at the same time? + +I must close this challenge, which is in the nature of an appeal to one +of America's best-known men. Will you accept my humble challenge, so +that I can go into training at once? We can leave the details of the +fight to the _Mail and Express_, if you will, and the championship belt +we can buy afterward. All I care for is the honor of being mixed up with +you in some way, and enough of the gate money to pay for arnica and +medical attendance. + +Will you do it? + +I know the audience would enjoy seeing us dressed for the fray, you so +strong and so wide, I so pensive and so flat busted about the chest. Let +us proceed at once, Colonel, to draw up the writings and begin to train. +You will never regret it, I am sure, and it will be the making of me. + +I do not know your address, but trust that this will reach you through +this book, for, as I write, you are on you way toward Canada, with a +requisition and the police reaching after you at every town. + +I am glad to hear that you are not drinking any more, especially while +engaged in sleep. If you only confine your drinking to your waking +hours, you may live to be a very old man, and your great, massive brain +will continue to expand until your hat will not begin to hold it. + +What do you think of Browning? I should like to converse with you on the +subject before the fight, and get your soul's best sentiments on his +style of intangible thought wave. + +I will meet you at Havre or Calais, and agree with you how hard we shall +hit each other. I saw, at a low variety show the other day, two +pleasing comedians who welted each other over the stomach with canes, +and also pounded each other on the head with sufficient force to explode +percussion caps on the top of the skull, and yet without injury. Do you +not think that a prize-fight could be thus provided for? I will see +these men, if you say so, and learn their methods. + +Remember, it is not the punishment of a prize-fight for which I yearn, +but the effulgent glory of meeting you in the ring, and having the +cables and the press associate my budding name with that of a man who +has done so much to make men better--a man whose name will go down to +posterity as that of one who sought to ameliorate and mellow and +desiccate his fellow-men. + +I will now challenge you once more, with great respect, and beg leave to +remain, yours very truly, + + BILL NYE. + + +_Hon. Ferdinand de Lesseps, Paris, France:_ + +DEAR SIR--I have some shares in the canal which you have been working +on, and I am compelled to hypothecate them this summer, in order to +paint my house. You have great faith in the future of the enterprise, +and so I will give you the first chance on this stock of mine. You have +suffered so much in order to do this work that I want to see the stock +get into your hands. You deserve it. You shall have it. Ferdie, if you +will send me a post-office money order by return mail, covering the par +value of five hundred shares, I will lose the premium, because I am a +little pressed for money. The painters will be through next week, and +will want their pay. + +As I say, I want to see you own the canal, for in fancy I can see you as +you toiled down there in the hot sun, floating your wheelbarrow and your +bonds down the valley with your perspiration. I can see you in the +morning, with hot, red hands and a tin dinner pail, going to your toil, +a large red cotton handkerchief sticking out of your hip pocket. + +So I have decided that you ought to have control, if possible, of this +great water front; besides, you have a larger family than I have to +support. When I heard that you were the father of fifteen little +children, and that you were in the sere and yellow leaf, I said to +myself, a man with that many little mouths to feed, at the age of +eighty, shall have the first crack at my stock. And so, if you will send +the face value as soon as possible, I will say bong jaw, messue. + + Yours truly, + + BILL NYE. + + +_To the Seven Haired Sisters, 'Steenth Street, New York:_ + +MESDAMES, MAMSELLES AND FELLOW-CITIZENS--I write these few lines to say +that I am well and hope this will find you all enjoying the same great +blessing. How pleasant it is for sisters to dwell together in unity and +beloved by mankind. You must indeed have a good time standing in the +window day after day, pulling your long hair through your fingers with +pride. When I first saw you all thus engaged, for the benefit of the +public, I thought it was a candy pull. + +I now write to say that the hair promoter which you sold me at the time +is not up to its work. It was a year ago that I bought it, and I think +that in a year something ought to show. It is a great nuisance for a +public man who is liable to come home late at night to have to top-dress +his head before he can retire. Your directions involve great care and +trouble to a man in my position, and still I have tried faithfully to +follow them. What is the result? Nothing but disappointment, and not so +very much of that. + +You said, if you remember, that your father was a bald-headed clergyman, +but one day, with a wild shriek of "Eureka!" he discovered this hair +encourager, and for the rest of his life filled his high hat with hair +every time he put it on. You said that at first a fine growth of down, +like the inside of a mouse's ear, would be seen, after that the blade, +then the stalk, and the full corn in the ear. In a pig's ear, I am now +led to believe. + +Fair, but false seven-haired sisters, I now bid you adieu. You have lost +in me a good, warm, true-hearted, and powerful friend. Ask me not for my +indorsement, or for my before and after taking pictures to use in your +circulars; I give my kind words and photographs hereafter to the soap +men. They are what they seem. You are not. + +When a woman betrays me she must beware. And when seven of them do so, +it is that much worse. You fooled me with smiles and false promises, and +now it will be just as well for you to look out. I would rather die than +be betrayed. It is disagreeable. It sours one, and also embitters one. + +Here at this point our ways will diverge. The roads fork at this place. +I shall go on upward and onward hairless and cappy, also careless and +happy, to my goal in life. I do not know whether each or either of you +have provided yourselves with goals or not, but if not you will do well +now to select some. The world may smile upon you, and gold pour into +your coffers, but the day will come when you will have to wrap the +drapery of your hair about you and lie down to pleasant dreams. Then +will arise the thought, alas!--Then You'll Remember Me. + +I now close this letter, leaving you to the keen pangs of remorse and +the cruel jabs of unavailing regret. Some people are born bald, others +acquire baldness, whilst still others have baldness thrust upon them +with a paint brush. Some are bald on the outside of their heads, others +on the inside. But oh, girls, beware of baldness on the soul. I ask you, +even if you are the daughters of a clergyman, to think seriously of what +I have said. + + Yours truly, + + BILL NYE. + + + + +THE DUBIOUS FUTURE + +XV + + +Without wishing to alarm the American people, or create a panic, I +desire briefly and seriously to discuss the great question, "Whither are +we drifting, and what is to be the condition of the coming man?" We can +not shut our eyes to the fact that mankind is passing through a great +era of change; even womankind is not built as she was a few brief years +ago. And is it not time, fellow citizens, that we pause to consider what +is to be the future of the American? + +Food itself has been the subject of change both in the matter of +material and preparation. This must affect the consumer in such a way as +to some day bring about great differences. Take, for instance, the +oyster, one of our comparatively modern food and game fishes, and watch +the effects of science upon him. At one time the oyster browsed around +and ate what he could find in Neptune's back-yard, +and we had to eat him as we found him. Now we take a herd of oysters off +the trail, all run down, and feed them artificially till they swell up +to a fancy size, and bring a fancy price. Where will this all lead at +last, I ask as a careful scientist? Instead of eating apples, as Adam +did, we work the fruit up into apple-jack and pie, while even the simple +oyster is perverted, and instead of being allowed to fatten up in the +fall on acorns and ancient mariners, spurious flesh is put on his bones +by the artificial osmose and dialysis of our advanced civilization. How +can you make an oyster stout or train him down by making him jerk a +health lift so many hours every day, or cultivate his body at the +expense of his mind, without ultimately not only impairing the future +usefulness of the oyster himself, but at the same time affecting the +future of the human race who feed upon him? + +I only use the oyster as an illustration, and I do not wish to cause +alarm, but I say that if we stimulate the oyster artificially and swell +him up by scientific means, we not only do so at the expense of his +better nature and keep him away from his family, but we are making our +mark on the future race of men. Oyster-fattening is now, of course, in +its infancy. Only a few years ago an effort was made at St. Louis to +fatten cove oysters while in the can, but the system was not well +understood, and those who had it in charge only succeeded in making the +can itself more plump. But now oysters are kept on ground feed and given +nothing to do for a few weeks, and even the older and overworked +sway-backed and rickety oysters of the dim and murky past are made to +fill out, and many of them have to put a gore in the waistband of their +shells. I only speak of the oyster incidentally, as one of the objects +toward which science has turned its attention, and I assert with the +utmost confidence that the time will come, unless science should get a +set-back, when the present hunting-case oyster will give place to the +open-face oyster, grafted on the octopus and big enough to feed a +hotel. Further than that, the oyster of the future will carry in a +hip-pocket a flask of vinegar, half a dozen lemons and two little +Japanese bottles, one of which will contain salt and the other pepper, +and there will be some way provided by which you can tell which is +which. But are we improving the oyster now? That is a question we may +well ask ourselves. Is this a healthy fat which we are putting on him, +or is it bloat? And what will be the result in the home-life of the +oyster? We take him from all domestic influences whatever in order to +make a swell of him by our modern methods, but do we improve his +condition morally, and what is to be the great final result on man? + +The reader will see by the questions I ask that I am a true scientist. +Give me an overcoat pocket full of lower-case interrogation marks and +a medical report to run to, and I can speak on the matter of science and +advancement till Reason totters on her throne. + +But food and oysters do not alone affect the great, pregnant future. Our +race is being tampered with not only by means of adulterations, +political combinations and climatic changes, but even our methods of +relaxation are productive of peculiar physical conditions, malformations +and some more things of the same kind. + +Cigarette smoking produces a flabby and endogenous condition of the +optic nerve, and constant listening at a telephone, always with the same +ear, decreases the power of the other ear till it finally just stands +around drawing its salary, but actually refusing to hear anything. +Carrying an eight-pound cane makes a man lopsided, and the muscular and +nervous strain that is necessary to retain a single eyeglass in place +and keep it out of the soup, year after year, draws the mental stimulus +that should go to the thinker itself, until at last the mind wanders +away and forgets to come back, or becomes atrophied, and the great +mental strain incident to the work of pounding sand or coming in when it +rains is more than it is equal to. + +Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of pounding on the +floor with the butt of the cue ever and anon, produces at last optical +illusions, phantasmagoria and visions of pink spiders with navy-blue +abdomens. Base-ball is not alone highly injurious to the umpire, but it +also induces crooked fingers, bone spavin and hives among habitual +players. Jumping the rope induces heart disease. Poker is unduly +sedentary in its nature. Bicycling is highly injurious, especially to +skittish horses. Boating induces malaria. Lawn tennis can not be played +in the house. Archery is apt to be injurious to those who stand around +and watch the game, and pugilism is a relaxation that jars heavily on +some natures. + +[Illustration: _Playing billiards, accompanied by the vicious habit of +pounding on the floor with the butt of the cue ever and anon, produces +at last optical illusions_ (Page 149)] + +Foot-ball produces what may be called the endogenous or ingrowing +toenail, stringhalt and mania. Copenhagen induces a melancholy, and the +game of bean bag is unduly exciting. Horse racing is too brief and +transitory as an outdoor game, requiring weeks and months for +preparation and lasting only long enough for a quick person to ejaculate +"Scat!" The pitcher's arm is a new disease, the outgrowth of base-ball; +the lawn-tennis elbow is another result of a popular open-air +amusement, and it begins to look as though the coming American would +hear with one overgrown telephonic ear, while the other will be +rudimentary only. He will have an abnormal base-ball arm with a +lawn-tennis elbow, a powerful foot-ball-kicking leg with the superior +toe driven back into the palm of his foot. He will have a highly trained +biceps muscle over his eye to retain his glass, and that eye will be +trained to shoot a curved glance over a high hat and witness anything on +the stage. + +Other features grow abnormal, or shrink up from the lack of use, as a +result of our customs. For instance, the man whose business it is to get +along a crowded street with the utmost speed will have, finally, a hard, +sharp horn growing on each elbow, and a pair of spurs growing out of +each ankle. These will enable him to climb over a crowd and get there +early. Constant exposure to these weapons on the part of the pedestrian +will harden the walls of the thorax and abdomen until the coming man +will be an impervious man. The citizen who avails himself of all modern +methods of conveyance will ride from his door on the horse car to the +elevated station, where an elevator will elevate him to the train and a +revolving platform will swing him on board, or possibly the street car +will be lifted from the surface track to the elevated track, and the +passenger will retain his seat all the time. Then a man will simply hang +out a red card, like an express card, at his door, and a combination car +will call for him, take him to the nearest elevated station, elevate +him, car and all, to the track, take him where he wants to go, and call +for him at any hour of the night to bring him home. He will do his +exercising at home, chiefly taking artificial sea baths, jerking a +rowing machine or playing on a health lift till his eyes hang out on his +cheeks, and he need not do any walking whatever. In that way the coming +man will be over-developed above the legs, and his lower limbs will look +like the desolate stems of a frozen geranium. Eccentricities of limb +will be handed over like baldness from father to son among the dwellers +in the cities, where every advantage in the way of rapid transit is to +be had, until a metropolitan will be instantly picked out by his able +digestion and rudimentary legs, just as we now detect the gentleman from +the interior by his wild endeavors to overtake an elevated train. + +In fact, Mr. Edison has now perfected, or announced that he is on the +road to the perfection of, a machine which I may be pardoned for calling +a storage think-tank. This will enable a brainy man to sit at home, and, +with an electric motor and a perfected phonograph, he can think into a +tin dipper or funnel, which will, by the aid of electricity and a new +style of foil, record and preserve his ideas on a sheet of soft metal, +so that when any one says to him, "A penny for your thoughts," he can go +to his valise and give him a piece of his mind. Thus the man who has +such wild and beautiful thoughts in the night and never can hold on to +them long enough to turn on the gas and get his writing materials, can +set this thing by the head of his bed, and, when the poetic thought +comes to him in the stilly night, he can think into a hopper, and the +genius of Franklin and Edison together will enable him to fire it back +at his friends in the morning while they eat their pancakes and glucose +syrup from Vermont, or he can mail the sheet of tinfoil to absent +friends, who may put it into their phonographs and utilize it. In this +way the world may harness the gray matter of its best men, and it will +be no uncommon thing to see a dozen brainy men tied up in a row in the +back office of an intellectual syndicate, dropping pregnant thoughts +into little electric coffee mills for a couple of hours a day, after +which they can put on their coats, draw their pay, and go home. + +All this will reduce the quantity of exercise, both mental and physical. +Two men with good brains could do the thinking for 60,000,000 of people +and feel perfectly fresh and rested the next day. Take four men, we will +say, two to do the day thinking and two more to go on deck at night, and +see how much time the rest of the world would have to go fishing. See +how politics would become simplified. Conventions, primaries, bargains +and sales, campaign bitterness and vituperation--all might be wiped out. +A pair of political thinkers could furnish 100,000,000 of people with +logical conclusions enough to last them through the campaign and put an +unbiased opinion into a man's house each day for less than he now pays +for gas. Just before election you could go into your private office, +throw in a large dose of campaign whisky, light a campaign cigar, fasten +your buttonhole to the wall by an elastic band, so that there would be a +gentle pull on it, and turn the electricity on your mechanical thought +supply. It would save time and money, and the result would be the same +as it is now. This would only be the beginning, of course, and after a +while every qualified voter who did not feel like exerting himself so +much, need only give his name and proxy to the salaried thinker employed +by the National Think Retort and Supply Works. We talk a great deal +about the union of church and state, but that is not so dangerous, after +all, as the mixture of politics and independent thought. Will the coming +voter be an automatic, legless, hairless mollusk with an abnormal ear +constantly glued to the tube of a big tank full of symmetrical ideas +furnished by a national bureau of brains in the employ of the party in +power? + + + + +EARNING A REWARD + +XVI + + +Those were troublous times indeed. All-wool justice in the courts was +impossible. The vigilance committee, or Salvation army, as it called +itself, didn't make much fuss about its work, but we all knew that the +best citizens belonged to it, and were in good standing. + +It was in those days that young Stewart was short-handed for a +sheep-herder, and had to take up with a sullen, hairy vagrant called by +the other boys, "Esau." Esau hadn't been on the ranch a week before he +made trouble with the proprietor and got from Stewart the red-hot +blessing he deserved. + +Then Esau got madder and skulked away down the valley among the little +sage brush hummocks and white alkali wasteland, to nurse his wrath. +When Stewart drove into the corral that night, Esau rose up from behind +an old sheep dip-tank, and without a word except what may have growled +around in his black heart, he leveled a Spencer rifle and shot his young +employer dead. + +That was the tragedy of that week only. Others had occurred before and +others would probably occur again. Tragedy was getting too prevalent for +comfort. So as soon as a quick cayuse and a boy could get down into +town, the news spread and the authorities began in the routine manner to +set the old legal mill to running. Some one had to go down to "The +Tivoli" and find the prosecuting attorney, then a messenger had to go to +"The Alhambra" for the justice of the peace. The prosecuting attorney +was "full," and the judge had just drawn one card to complete a straight +flush, and had succeeded. + +So it took time to get square-toed justice ready and arm the sheriff +with the proper documents. + +In the meantime the Salvation army was fully half way to Clugston's +ranch. They had started out, as they said, "to see that Esau didn't get +away." They were also going to see that Esau was brought into town. + +What happened after they got out there I only know from hearsay, for I +was not a member of the Salvation army at that time. But I learned from +one of those present, that they found Esau down in the sage brush on the +bottoms that lie between the abrupt corner of Sheep mountain and the +Little Laramie river. They captured him but he died soon after, as it +was told me, from the effects of opium taken with suicidal intent. I +remember seeing Esau the next morning, and I thought I noticed signs of +ropium, as there was a purple streak around the neck of the deceased, +together with other external phenomena not peculiar to opium. + +But the grand difficulty with the Salvation army was that it didn't want +to bring Esau into town. A long, cold night ride with a person in Esau's +condition was disagreeable. Twenty miles of lonely road with a +deceased murderer in the bottom of the wagon is depressing. Those of +my readers who have tried it will agree with me that it is not +calculated to promote hilarity. + +[Illustration: _Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he +heard the wild and disappointed yells of the Salvation army_ +(Page 159)] + +So the Salvation army stopped at Whatley's ranch to get warm, hoping +that some one would steal the remains and elope with them. They stayed +some time and managed to "give away" the fact that there was a reward of +$5,000 out for Esau, dead or alive. The Salvation army even went so far +as to betray a good deal of hilarity over the easy way it had nailed the +reward or would as soon as said remains were delivered up and +identified. + +Mr. Whatley thought that the Salvation army was having a kind of walk +away, so he slipped out at the back door of the ranch, put Esau into his +own wagon and drove off to town. Remember, this is the way it was told +to me. + +Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the wild and +disappointed yells of the Salvation army. He put the buckskin on the +back of his horse without mercy, urged on by the enraged shouts and +yells of his infuriated pursuers. He reached town about midnight, and +his pursuers disappeared. But what was he to do with Esau? + +He drove around all over town trying to find the official who signed for +the deceased. He went from house to house like a vegetable vender, +seeking sadly for the party who would give him a $5,000 check for Esau. +Nothing could be more depressing than to wake up one man after another +out of a sound sleep, and invite him to come out to the buggy and +identify the remains. One man went out and looked at him. He said he +didn't know how others felt about it, but he allowed that anybody who +would pay $5,000 for such a remains as Esau's could not have very good +taste. + +Gradually it crept through Mr. Whatley's wool that the Salvation army +had been working him, so he left Esau at the engine house and went home. +On his ranch he nailed up a large board, on which had been painted in +antique characters, with a paddle and tar, the following: + + [finger right] Vigilance Committees, Salvation Armies, + Morgues, or young physicians who may have deceased people on their + hands, are requested to refrain from conferring them on to the + undersigned. + + [finger right] People who contemplate shuffling off their + own or other people's mortal coils will please not do so on these + grounds. + + [finger right] The Salvation Army of the Rocky Mountains + is especially hereby warned to keep off the Grass! JAMES WHATLEY. + + + + +A PLEA FOR JUSTICE + +XVII + + +_To the Honorable Mayor of New York:_ + +SIR--I suppose you are mayor of this whole town, and if so you are the +mayor of the hosspitals as well as of the municipality of New York. I am +a citizen of this place that has always been square towards every man +and paid my bills as they accrewed. I now ask you, in return for same, +to intervene and protect me in my rights. The millishy has never been +called out to suppress me. I have never been guilty of rebellyun or open +difyance off the law, and yet I am unable to get a square deal and I +write this brief note and enclose a two-cent stamp, to ascertain +whether, as mayor, you are for me or agin me. + +[Illustration: ... _I was in a large, cool hosspital which smelt strong +of some forrin substans. The hed doctor had been breathing on me and so +I come too_ (Page 163)] + +Three years ago I entered your town from a westerly direction. I done so +quietly and I presume that few will remember the sircumstans, yet such +was so. I had not been here two weeks when I was run into, knocked over +and tromped onto by the bay team of a purse-proud producer of beer. I +was dashed to earth and knocked galley west on Broadway st. looking +north by sed horses and I was wrecked while peasably on my way to my +place of business. When I come to myself I was in a large, cool +hosspital which smelt strong of some forrin substans. The hed doctor had +been breathing on me and so I come too. When I looked around me I +decided to murmur "Where am I at?" which I did. + +I soon learned that I was in a hosspital, and that kind friends had +removed one of my legs. I will not take up your time, sir, by touching +on my sufferings. Suphice it to say that I went foarth at last a blasted +man, with a cork leg that don't look no more like my own once leg which +I was torn away from, in spite of the Old Harry. It is too late to +repine over a wooden leg, unless it is a pine leg, but I come to you, +sir, to interfear on behalf of another matter which I will now aprooch. +Sorrows at that time come on me thick and fast. During that fall I lost +my wife and two dogs by deth. This was the third wife I have been called +on to bury. It has been my blessed privilidge to mourn the loss of three +as good wives as I ever shook a stick at. I have got them all in one +cool, roomy toom, with a verse on the door of same and their address, so +that they will not delay the resurrection. Under the verse that was +engraved on the slab, some low cuss has wrote three verses of poetry +with a chorus to each verse which winds up with the words: + + Tit, tat, toe, three in a row. + +But all this is only introductory. Sir, it has long been my heart's +desire that all my beloved dead should repose together. I have a large +lot in the semmetery, and last week a movement was placed on foot to +inter my late leg by the sides of my deceased wives. I applied to the +hosspital for said leg, having got a permit to bury same. I was pleasant +and corechus to the authoritis there, saying that my name was Gray and I +was there to procure my leg, whereupon a young meddicle cuss said to +the head ampitater: + +"Here's de man that wants to plant Gray's l-e-g in a churchyard." + +He then laughed a hoarse laugh and went on preserving a polapus in a big +glass fruit can with alkohall in it. Wherever I went I met with a +general disposition to fool with a stricken and one-legged man. I went +from ward to ward, looking at suffering and smelling kloryform till I +was sick at heart. I was referred from Dan to Beersheby, from the +janiter up to the chief tongue inspector, and one place where I went +into they seemed to be picking bone splinters out from among a +gentleman's brains. I made bold to tell my business, but with small +hopes. + +"This is the man I told you about, Doc," said a young man who was filing +and setting a small bone handsaw. "This is that matter of Gray, the man +who wants his leg." + +"Damn your Gray matter," says this doctor, whereupon the rest bust into +ribald mirth. + +I was insulted right and left for a whole forenoon, and came away +shocked and pained. Will you assist me? There is no reverence among +doctors any more and they have none of the finer feelings. Some asked me +if I had a check for my leg. Some said they thought it had escaped from +the hosspital and gone on the stage, and one feller said that this +hosspital would not be responsible for the legs of guests unless +deposited in the office safe. I like fun just as well as anybody, Mr. +Mayor, but I don't think any one should be youmerous over the cold dead +features of a leg from which I have been ruthlessly snatched. + +I now beg, sir, to dror this hasty letter to an untimely end, hoping +that you will make it hot for this blooming hosspital and make them fork +over said leg. Yours, with kindest regards, + + A. PITTSFIELD GRAY. + + + + +GRAINS OF TRUTH + +XVIII + + +A young friend has written to me as follows: "Could you tell me +something of the location of the porcelain works in Sevres, France, and +what the process is of making those beautiful things which come from +there? How is the name of the town pronounced? Can you tell me anything +of the history of Mme. Pompadour? Who was the Dauphin? Did you learn +anything of Louis XV whilst in France? What are your literary habits?" + +It is with a great, bounding joy that I impart the desired information. +Sevres is a small village just outside of St. Cloud (pronounced San +Cloo). It is given up to the manufacture of porcelain. You go to St. +Cloud by rail or river, and then drive over to Sevres by diligence or +voiture. Some go one way and some go the other. I rode up on the Seine, +aboard of a little, noiseless, low-pressure steamer about the size of a +sewing machine. It was called the Silvoo Play, I think. + +The fare was thirty centimes--or, say, three cents. After paying my fare +and finding that I still had money left, I lunched at St. Cloud in the +open air at a trifling expense. I then took a bottle of milk from my +pocket and quenched my thirst. Traveling through France, one finds that +the water is especially bad, tasting of the Dauphin at times, and +dangerous in the extreme. I advise those, therefore, who wish to be well +whilst doing the Continent, to carry, especially in France, as I did, a +large, thick-set bottle of milk, or kumiss, with which to take the wire +edge off one's whistle whilst being yanked through the Louvre. + +St. Cloud is seven miles west of the center of Paris and almost ten +miles by rail on the road to Versailles--pronounced Vairsi. St. Cloud +belongs to the Canton of Sevres and the arrondissement of Versailles. An +arrondissement is not anything reprehensible. It is all right. You, +yourself, could belong to an arrondissement if you lived in France. + +St. Cloud is on the beautiful hill slope, looking down the valley of the +Seine, with Paris in the distance. It is peaceful and quiet and +beautiful. Everything is peaceful in Paris when there is no revolution +on the carpet. The steam cars run safely and do not make so much noise +as ours do. The steam whistle does not have such a hold on people as it +does here. The adjutant-general at the depot blows a little tin bugle, +the admiral of the train returns the salute, the adjutant-general says +"Allons!" and the train starts off like a somewhat leisurely young man +who is going to the depot to meet his wife's mother. + +One does not realize what a Fourth of July racket we live in and employ +in our business till he has been the guest of a monarchy of Europe +between whose toes the timothy and clover have sprung up to a great +height. And yet it is a pleasing change, and I shall be glad when we as +a republic have passed the blow-hard period, laid aside the +ear-splitting steam whistle, settled down to good, permanent +institutions, and taken on the restful, sootheful, Boston air which +comes with time and the quiet self-congratulation that one is born in a +Bible land and with Gospel privileges, and where the right to worship in +a strictly high-church manner is open to all. + +The Palace of St. Cloud was once the residence of Napoleon I in +summer-time. He used to go out there for the heated term, and folding +his arms across his stomach, have thought after thought regarding the +future of France. Yet he very likely never had an idea that some day it +would be a thrifty republic, engaged in growing green peas, or pulling a +soiled dove out of the Seine, now and then, to add to the attractions of +her justly celebrated morgue. + +Louis XVIII also put up at the Palace in St. Cloud several summers. He +spelled it "palais," which shows that he had very poor early English +advantages, or that he was, as I have always suspected, a native of +Quebec. Charles X also changed the bedding somewhat, and moved in during +his reign. He also added a new iron sink and a place in the barn for +washing buggies. Louis Philippe spent his summers here for a number of +years, and wrote weekly letters to the Paris papers, signed "Uno," in +which he urged the taxpayers to show more veneration for their royal +nibs. Napoleon III occupied the palais in summer during his lifetime, +availing himself finally of the use of Mr. Bright's justly celebrated +disease and dying at the dawn of better institutions for beautiful but +unhappy France. + +I visited the palais (pronounced pallay), which was burned by the +Prussians in 1870. The grounds occupy 960 acres, which I offered to buy +and fit up, but probably I did not deal with responsible parties. This +part of France reminds me very much of North Carolina. I mean, of +course, the natural features. Man has done more for France, it seems to +me, than for the Tar Heel State, and the cities of Asheville and Paris +are widely different. The police of Paris rarely get together in front +of the court-house to pitch horseshoes or dwell on the outlook for the +goober crop. + +And yet the same blue, ozonic sky, if I may be allowed to coin a word, +the same soft, restful, dolce frumenti air of gentle, genial health, and +of cark destroying, magnetic balm to the congested soul, the inflamed +nerve and the festering brain, are present in Asheville that one finds +in the quiet drives of San Cloo with the successful squirt of the mighty +fountains of Vairsi and the dark and whispering forests of +Fon-taine-_bloo_. + +The palais at San Cloo presents a rather dejected appearance since it +was burned, and the scorched walls are bare, save where here and there a +warped and wilted water pipe festoons the blackened and blistered wreck +of what was once so grand and so gay. + +San Cloo has a normal school for the training of male teachers only. I +visited it, but for some cause I did not make a hit in my address to the +pupils until I began to speak in their own national tongue. Then the +closest attention was paid to what I said, and the keenest delight was +manifest on every radiant face. The president, who spoke some English, +shook hands with me as we parted, and I asked him how the students took +my remarks. He said: "They shall all the time keep the thinkness--what +you shall call the recollect--of monsieur's speech in preserves, so that +they shall forget it not continualle. We shall all the time say we have +not witness something like it since the time we come here, and have not +so much enjoy ourselves since the grand assassination by the guillotine. +Come next winter and be with us for one week. Some of us will remain in +the hall each time." + +At San Cloo I hired of a quiet young fellow about thirty-five years of +age, who kept a very neat livery stable there, a sort of victoria and a +big Percheron horse, with fetlock whiskers that reminded me of the +Sutherland sisters. As I was in no hurry I sat on an iron settee in the +cool court of the livery stable, and with my arm resting on the shoulder +of the proprietor I spoke of the crops and asked if generally people +about there regarded the farmer movement as in any way threatening to +the other two great parties. He did not seem to know, and so I watched +the coachman who was to drive me, as he changed his clothes in order to +give me my money's worth in grandeur. + +One thing I liked about France was that the people were willing, at a +slight advance on the regular price, to treat a very ordinary man with +unusual respect and esteem. This surprised and delighted me beyond +measure, and I often told people there that I did not begrudge the +additional expense. The coachman was also hostler, and when the carriage +was ready he altered his attire by removing a coarse, gray shirt or +tunic and putting on a long, olive green coachman's coat, with erect +linen collar and cuffs sewed into the collar and sleeves. He wore a high +hat that was much better than mine, as is frequently the case with +coachmen and their employers. My coachman now gives me his silk hat when +he gets through with it in the spring and fall, so I am better dressed +than I used to be. + +But we were going to say a word regarding the porcelain works at +Sevres. It is a modern building and is under government control. The +museum is filled with the most beautiful china dishes and funny business +that one could well imagine. Besides, the pottery ever since its +construction has retained its models, and they, of course, are worthy of +a day's study. The "Sevres blue" is said to be a little bit bluer than +anything else in the known world except the man who starts a nonpareil +paper in a pica town. + +I was careful not to break any of these vases and things, and thus +endeared myself to the foreman of the place. All employes are uniformed +and extremely deferential to recognized ability. Practically, for half a +day, I owned the place. + +A cattle friend of mine who was looking for a dynasty whose tail he +could twist while in Europe, and who used often to say over our glass of +vin ordinaire (which I have since learned is not the best brand at all), +that nothing would tickle him more than "to have a little deal with a +crowned head and get him in the door," accidentally broke a blue crock +out there at Sevres which wouldn't hold over a gallon, and it took the +best part of a car load of cows to pay for it, he told me. + +The process of making the Sevres ware is not yet published in book form, +especially the method of coloring and enameling. It is a secret +possessed by duly authorized artists. The name of the town is pronounced +Save. + +Mme. Pompadour is said to have been the natural daughter of a butcher, +which I regard as being more to her own credit than though she had been +an artificial one. Her name was Jeanne Antoinette Poisson Le Normand +d'Etioles, Marchioness de Pompadour, and her name is yet used by the +authorities of Versailles as a fire escape, so I am told. + +She was the mistress of Louis XV, who never allowed her to put her hands +in dishwater during the entire time she visited at his house. +D'Etioles was her first husband, but she left him for a gay but rather +reprehensible life at court, where she was terribly talked about, though +she is said not to have cared a cent. + +She developed into a marvelous politician, and early seeing that the +French people were largely governed by the literary lights of that time, +she began to cultivate the acquaintance of the magazine writers, and +tried to join the Authors' Club. + +She then became prominent by originating a method of doing up the hair, +which has since grown popular among people whose hair has not, like my +own, been already "done up." + +This style of Mme. Pompadour's was at once popular with the young men +who ran the throttles of the soda fountains of that time, and is still +well spoken of. A young friend of mine trained his hair up from his +forehead in that way once and could not get it down again. During his +funeral his hair, which had been glued down by the undertaker, became +surprised at something said by the clergyman and pushed out the end of +his casket. + +The king tired in a few years of Mme. Pompadour and wished that he had +not encouraged her to run away from her husband. She, however, retained +her hold upon the blase and alcoholic monarch by her wonderful +versatility and genius. + +When all her talents as an artiste and politician palled upon his old +rum-soaked and emaciated brain, and ennui, like a mighty canker, ate +away large corners of his moth-eaten soul, she would sit in the gloaming +and sing to him, "Hard Times, Hard Times, Come Again No More," meantime +accompanying herself on the harpsichord or the sackbut or whatever they +played in those days. Then she instituted theatricals, giving, through +the aid of the nobility, a very good version of "Peck's Bad Boy" and +"Lend Me Five Centimes." + +She finally lost her influence over Looey the XV, and as he got to be an +old man the thought suddenly occurred to him to reform, and so he had +Mme. Pompadour beheaded at the age of forty-two years. This little story +should teach us that no matter how gifted we are, or how high we may +wear our hair, our ambitions must be tempered by honor and integrity; +also that pride goeth before destruction and a haughty spirit before a +plunk. + + + + +A SCAMPER THROUGH THE PARK + +XIX + + +Last week Colonel Bill Root, formerly Duke of Council Bluffs, paid me a +visit, and as I desired to show him Central Park, I took him to +Fifty-Eighth street and hired a carriage, my own team being at my +country place. I also engaged the services of a dark-eyed historical +student, who is said to know more about Central Park than any other man +in New York, having driven through it, as he has, for years. He was a +plain, sad man, with a mustache which was mostly whiskers. He dressed +carelessly in a neglige suit of neutral-tinted clothes, including a pair +of trousers which seemed to fit him in that shy and reluctant manner +which characterized the fit of the late lamented Jumbo's clothes after +he had been indifferently taxidermed. + +Colonel Root and I called him "Governor," and thereby secured knowledge +which could not be obtained from books. Colonel Root is himself no +kindergarten savant, being the author and discoverer of a method of +breaking up a sitting-hen by first calling her away from her deep-seated +passion, tying a red-flannel rag around her leg, and then still further +turning her attention from her wild yearning to hatch out a flock of +suburban villas by sitting on a white front-door knob. This he does by +deftly inserting the hen into a joint of stove-pipe and then cementing +both ends of the same. Colonel Root is also the discoverer of a cipher +which shows that Julius Caesar's dying words were: "Et tu Brute. Verily +the tail goeth with the hide." + +After a while the driver paused. Colonel Root asked him why he tarried. + +"I wanted to call your attention," said the Governor, "to the Casino, a +place where you can provide for the inner man or any other man. You can +here secure soft-shell crabs, boiled lobster, low-neck clams, Hamburger +steaks, chicken salad, miscellaneous soups, lobster salad with +machine-oil on it, Neapolitan ice-cream, Santa Cruz rum, Cincinnati +Sec, pie, tooth-picks, and finger-bowls." + +[Illustration: _Said the Governor as he swung around with his feet over +in our part of the carriage and asked me for a light_ (Page 181)] + +"How far does the waiter have to go to get these things cooked?" +inquired Colonel Root, looking at his valuable watch. + +"That," said the Governor, as he swung around with his feet over in our +part of the carriage and asked me for a light, "depends on how you +approach him. If you slip a half dollar up his coat-sleeve without his +knowledge he will get your twenty-five cent meal cooked somewhere near +by, but otherwise I have known him to go away and come back with gray +side-whiskers and cobwebs on the pie instead of the wine." + +We went in and told the proprietor to see that our driver had what he +wanted. He did not want much, aside from a whisky sour, a plate of +terrapin, a pint of Mr. Pommery's secretary's beverage, and a baked +duck. We had a little calves' liver and custard pie. Then we visited +Cleopatra's Needle. + +"And who in creation was Cleopatra?" asked Colonel Root. + +"Cleopatra," said the driver, "was a goodlooking Queen of Egypt. She +was eighteen years old when her father left the throne, as it was +screwed down to the dais, and died. He left the kingdom to Cleopatra, in +partnership with Ptolemy, her brother. Ptolemy, in 51 B. C., deprived +her of the throne, leaving Cleopatra nothing but the tidy. She appealed +to Julius Caesar, who hired a man to embalm Ptolemy, and restored Egypt +to his sister, who was as likely a girl as Julius had ever met with. She +accompanied him to Rome in 46 B. C., and remained there a couple of +years. When Caesar was assassinated by a delegation of Roman tax-payers +who desired a change, Cleopatra went back and began to reign over Egypt +again. She also attracted the attention of Antony. He thought so much of +her that he would frequently stay away from a battle and deny himself +the joys of being split open with a dull stab-knife in order to hang +around home and hold Cleopatra's hand, and, though she was a widow +practically, she was the Amelie Rives style of widow, and he said that +it had to be an all-fired good battle that could make him put on his +iron ulster and fight all day on the salary he was getting. She pizened +herself thirty years before Christ, at the age of thirty-nine years, +rather than ride around Rome in a gingham dress as a captive of +Augustus. She died right in haying time, and Augustus said he'd ruther +of lost the best horse in Rome. This is her needle. It was brought to +New York mostly by water, and looks well here in the park. She was said +to be as likely a queen as ever jerked a sceptre over Egypt or any other +place. Everybody that saw her reign said that the country never had a +magneticker queen." + +As we rode swiftly along, the slight, girlish figure of a middle-aged +woman might have been seen striving hurriedly to cross the driveway. She +screamed and beckoned to a park policeman, who rushed leisurely in and +caught her by the arm, rescuing her from the cruel feet of our mad +chargers, and then led her to a seat. As we paused to ask the policeman +if the lady had been injured, he came up to the side of the carriage and +whispered to me behind his hand: "That woman I have rescued between +thirty and forty times this year, and it is only the first of July. +Every pleasant day she comes here to be rescued. One day, when business +was a little dull and we didn't have any teams on the drive, and time +seemed to hang heavy on her hands, she told me her sad history. Before +she was eighteen years of age she had been disappointed in love and +prevented from marrying her heart's choice, owing to the fact that the +idea of the union did not occur to him. He was not, in fact, a union +man. Time passed on, from time to time, glad spring, and bobolinks, and +light underwear succeeded stern winter, frost, and heavy flannels, and +yet he cometh not, she sayed. No one had ever caught her in his great +strong arms in a quick embrace that seemed to scrunch her whole being. +Summer came and went. The dews on the upland succeeded the frost on the +pumpkin. The grand ratification of the partridge ushered in the wail of +the turtle dove and the brief plunk of the muskrat in the gloaming. And +yet no man had ever dast to come right out and pay attention to her or +keep company with her. She had an emotional nature that just seemed to +get up on its hind feet and pant for recognition and love. She could +have almost loved a well-to-do man who had, perhaps, sinned a few times, +but even the tough and erring went elsewhere to repent. One day she came +to town to do some trading. She had priced seven dollars and fifty +cents' worth of goods, and was just crossing Broadway to price some +more, when the gay equipage of a wealthy humorist, with silver chains on +the neck-yoke and foam-flecks acrost the bosom of the nigh +hoss, came plunging down the street. + +"The red nostrils of the spirited brutes were above her. Their hot +breath scorched the back of her neck and swayed the red-flannel +pompon on her bonnet. Every one on Broadway held his +breath, with the exception of a man on the front stoop of the Castor +House, whose breath had got beyond his control. Every one was horrified +and turned away with a shudder, which rattled the telegraph wires for +two blocks. + +"Just then a strong, brave policeman rushed in and knocked down both +horses and the driver, together with his salary. He caught the woman up +as though she had been no more than a feather's weight. He bore her away +to the post-office pavement, where it is still the custom to carry +people who are run over and mangled. He then sought to put her down, +but, like a bad oyster, she would not be put down. She still clung about +his neck, like the old party who got acquainted with Sinbad the Sailor, +though, of course, in a different manner. It took quite a while to shake +her off. The next day she came back and was almost killed at the same +crossing. It went on that way until the policeman had his beat changed +to another part of town. Finally, she came up here to get her summer +rescuing done. I do it when it falls to my lot, but my heart is not in +the work. Sometimes the horrible thought comes over me that I may be too +late. Several times I have tried to be too late, but I haven't the heart +to do it." + +He then walked to a sparrow that refused to keep off the grass and +brained it with his club. + + + + +HINTS TO THE TRAVELER + +XX + + +Every thinkful student has doubtless noticed that when he enters the +office, or autograph department, of an American inn, a lithe and alert +male person seizes his valise or traveling-bag with much earnestness. He +then conveys it to some sequestered spot and does not again return. He +is the porter of the hotel or inn. He may be a modest porter just +starting out, or he may be a swollen and purse-proud porter with silver +in his hair and also in his pocket. + +I speak of the porter and his humble lot in order to show the average +American boy who may read these lines that humor is not the only thing +in America which yields large dividends on a very small capital. To be a +porter does not require great genius, or education, or intellectual +versatility; and yet, well attended to, the business is remunerative in +the extreme and often brings excellent returns. It shows that any +American boy who does faithfully and well the work assigned to him may +become well-to-do and prosperous. + +Recently I shook hands with a conductor on the Milwaukee and St. Paul +Railroad, who is the president of a bank. There is a general impression +in the public mind that conductors all die poor, but here is "Jerry," as +everybody calls him, a man of forty-five years of age, perhaps, with a +long head of whiskers and the pleasant position of president of a bank. +As he thoughtfully slams the doors from car to car, collecting fares on +children who are no longer young and whose parents seek to conceal them +under the seats, or as he goes from passenger to passenger sticking +large blue checks in their new silk hats, and otherwise taking advantage +of people, he is sustained and soothed by the blessed thought that he +has done the best he could, and that some day when the summons comes to +lay aside his loud-smelling lantern and make his last run, he will leave +his dear ones provided for. Perhaps I ought to add that during all +these years of Jerry's prosperity the road has also managed to keep the +wolf from the door. I mention it because it is so rare for the conductor +and the road to make money at the same time. + +I knew a conductor on the Union Pacific railroad, some years ago, who +used to make a great deal of money, but he did not invest wisely, and so +to-day is not the president of a bank. He made a great deal of money in +one way or another while on his run, but the man with whom he was wont +to play poker in the evening is now the president of the bank. The +conductor is in the puree. + +It was in Minneapolis that Mr. Cleveland was once injudicious. He and +his wife were pained to read the following report of their conversation +in the paper on the day after their visit to the flour city: + +"Yes, I like the town pretty well, but the people, some of 'em, are too +blamed fresh." + +"Do you think so, Grover? I thought they were very nice, indeed, but +still I think I like St. Paul the best. It is so old and respectable." + +"Oh, yes, respectability is good enough in its place, but it can be +overdone. I like Washington, where respectability is not made a hobby." + +"But are you not enjoying yourself here, honey?" + +"No, I am not. To tell you the truth, I am very unhappy. I'm so scared +for fear I'll say something about the place that will be used against me +by the St. Paul folks, that I most wish I was dead, and everybody wants +to show me the new bridge and the waterworks, and speak of 'our great +and phenomenal growth,' and show me the population statistics, and the +school-house, and the Washburn residence, and Doc Ames and Ole +Forgerson, and the saw-mill, and the boom, and then walk me up into the +thirteenth story of a flour mill and pour corn meal down my back, and +show me the wonderful increase of the city debt and the sewerage, and +the West Hotel, and the glorious ozone and things here, that it makes me +tired. And I have to look happy and shake hands and say it knocks St. +Paul silly, while I don't think so at all, and I wish I could do +something besides be president for a couple of weeks, and quit lying +almost entirely, except when I go a-fishing." + +"But don't you think the people here are very cordial, dawling?" + +"Yes, they're too cordial for me altogether. Instead of talking about +the wonderful hit I have made as a president and calling attention to my +remarkable administration, they talk about the flour output and the +electric plant and other crops here, and allude feelingly to 'number one +hard' and chintz bugs and other flora and fauna of this country, which, +to be honest with you, I do not and never did give a damn for." + +"Grover!" + +"Well, I beg your pardon, dear, and I oughtn't to speak that way before +you, but if you knew how much better I feel now you would not speak so +harshly to me. It is indeed hard to be ever gay and joyous before the +great masses who as a general thing, do not know enough to pound sand, +but who are still vested with the divine right of suffrage, and so must +be treated gently, and loved and smiled at till it makes me ache." + +Mr. Cleveland was greatly annoyed by the publication of this +conversation, and could not understand it until this fall, when a +Minneapolis man told him that the pale, haughty coachman who drove the +presidential carriage was a reporter. He could handle a team with one +hand and remember things with the other. + +And so I say that as a president we can not be too careful what we say. +I hope that the little boys and girls who read this, and who may +hereafter become presidents or wives of presidents, will bear this in +mind, and always have a kind word for one and all, whether they feel +that way or not. + +But I started out to speak of porters and not reporters. I carry with +me, this year, a small, sorrel bag, weighing a little over twenty +ounces. It contains a slight bottle of horse medicine and a powder rag. +Sometimes it also contains a costly robe de nuit, when I do not forget +and leave said robe in a sleeping car or hotel. I am not overdrawing +this matter, however, when I say honestly that the shrill cry of fire at +night in most any hotel in the United States would now bring to the +fire-escape from one to six employes of said hotel wearing these costly +vestments with my brief but imperishable name engraven on the bosom. + +This little traveling bag, which is not larger than a man's hand, is +rudely pulled out of my grasp as I enter an inn, and it has cost me $29 +to get it back again from the porter. Besides, I have paid $8.35 for new +handles to replace those that have been torn off in frantic scuffles +between the porter and myself to see which would get away with it. + +Yesterday I was talking with a reformed lecturer about this peculiarity +of the porters. He said he used to lecture a great deal at moderate +prices throughout the country, and after ten years of earnest toil he +was enabled to retire with a rich experience and $9 in money. He +lectured on phrenology and took his meals with the chairman of the +lecture committee. In Ouray, Colorado, the baggageman allowed his trunk +to fall from a great height, and so the lid was knocked off and the bust +which the professor used in his lecture was busted. He therefore had to +borrow a bald-headed man to act as bust for him in the evening. After +the close of the lecture the professor found that the bust had stolen +the gross receipts from his coat tail pocket while he was lecturing. The +only improbable feature about this story is the implication that a +bald-headed man would commit a crime. + +But still he did not become soured. He pressed on and lectured to the +gentle janitors of the land in piercing tones. He was always kind to +every one, even when people criticised his lecture and went away before +he got through. He forgave them and paid his bills just the same as he +did when people liked him. + +Once a newspaper man did him a great wrong by saying that "the lecture +was decayed, and that the professor would endear himself to every one +if some night at his hotel, instead of blowing out the gas and turning +off his brains as he usually did, he would just turn off the gas and +blow out his brains." But the professor did not go to the newspaper +man's office and shoot holes in his person. He spoke kindly to him +always, and once when the two met in a barber shop, and it was doubtful +which was "next," as they came in from opposite ends of the room, the +professor gently yielded the chair to the man who had done him the great +wrong, and while the barber was shaving him eleven tons of ceiling +peeled off and fell on the editor who had been so cruel and so rude, and +when they gathered up the debris, a day or two afterward, it was almost +impossible to tell which was ceiling and which was remains. + +[Illustration: _He therefore had to borrow a bald-headed man to act as +bust for him in the evening_ (Page 194)] + +So it is always best to deal gently with the erring, especially if you +think it will be fatal to them. + +The reformed lecturer also spoke of a discovery he made, which I had +never heard of before. He began, during the closing years of his tour, +to notice mysterious marks on his trunk, made with chalk generally, and +so, during his leisure hours, he investigated them and their cause and +effect. He found that they were the symbols of the Independent Order of +Porters and Baggage Bursters. He discovered that it was a species of +language by which one porter informed the next, without the expense of +telegraphing, what style of man owned the trunk and the prospects for +"touching" him, as one might say. + +The professor gave me a few of these signs from an old note-book, +together with his own interpretation after years of close study. I +reproduce them here, because I know they will interest the reader as +they did me. + +[Illustration] + +This trunk, if handled gently and then carefully unstrapped in the +owner's room, so as to open comfortably without bursting the wall or +giving the owner vertigo, is good for a quarter. + +[Illustration] + +This man is a good, kind-hearted man generally, but will sometimes +escape. Better not let him have his hand baggage till he puts up. + +[Illustration] + +This trunk belongs to a woman who may possibly thank you if you handle +the baggage gently and will weep if you knock the lid off. Kind words +can never die. (N. B. Nyether can they procure groceries.) + +[Illustration] + +This trunk belongs to a traveling man who weighs 211 pounds. If you have +no respect for the blamed old fire-proof safe itself, please respect it +for its gentle owner's sake. He can not bear to have his trunk harshly +treated, and he might so far forget himself as to kill you. It is better +to be alive and poor than it is to be wealthy and dead. It is better to +do a kind act for a fellow-being than it is to leave a desirable widow +for some one else to marry. + +[Illustration] + +If you will knock the top off this trunk you will discover the clothing +of a mean man. In case you can not knock the lid entirely off, burst it +open a little so that the great, restless, seething traveling public can +see how many hotel napkins and towels and cakes of soap he has stolen. + +[Illustration] + +This is the trunk of a young girl, and contains the poor but honest garb +she wore when she ran away from home. Also the gay clothes she bought +after a wicked ambition had poisoned her simple heart. They are the +gaudy garments and flashy trappings for which she exchanged her honest +laugh and her bright and beautiful youth. Handle gently the poor little +trunk, as you would touch her sad little history, for her father is in +the second-class coach, weeping softly into his coarse red handkerchief, +and she, herself, is going home on the same train in her cheap little +coffin in the baggage car to meet her sorrowing mother, who will go up +into the garret many rainy afternoons in the days to come, to cry over +this poor little trunk and no one will know about it. It will be a +secret known only to her sorrowing heart and to God. + + + + +A MEDIEVAL DISCOVERER + +XXI + + +Galilei, commonly called Galileo, was born at Pisa on the 14th day of +February, 1564. He was the man who discovered some of the fundamental +principles governing the movements, habits, and personal peculiarities +of the earth. He discovered things with marvelous fluency. Born as he +was, at a time when the rotary motion of the earth was still in its +infancy and astronomy was taught only in a crude way, Galileo started in +to make a few discoveries and advance some theories of which he was very +fond. + +He was the son of a musician and learned to play several instruments +himself, but not in such a way as to arouse the jealousy of the great +musicians of his day. They came and heard him play a few selections, and +then they went home contented with their own music. Galileo played for +several years in a band at Pisa, and people who heard him said that his +manner of gazing out over the Pisan hills with a far-away look in his +eye after playing a selection, while he gently up-ended his alto horn +and worked the mud-valve as he poured out about a pint of moist melody +that had accumulated in the flues of the instrument, was simply grand. + +At the age of twenty Galileo began to discover. His first discoveries +were, of course, clumsy and poorly made, but very soon he commenced to +turn out neat and durable discoveries that would stand for years. + +It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a lamp in a church, +and, observing that the oscillations were of equal duration, he inferred +that this principle might be utilized in the exact measurement of time. +From this little accident, years after, came the clock, one of the most +useful of man's dumb friends. And yet there are people who will read +this little incident and still hesitate about going to church. + +[Illustration: _It was at this time that he noticed the swinging of a +lamp in a church, and observing that the oscillations were of equal +duration_ (Page 202)] + +Galileo also invented the thermometer, the microscope and the +proportional compass. He seemed to invent things not for the money to be +obtained in that way, but solely for the joy of being first on the +ground. He was a man of infinite genius and perseverance. He was also +very fair in his treatment of other inventors. Though he did not +personally invent the rotary motion of the earth, he heartily indorsed +it and said it was a good thing. He also came out in a card in which he +said that he believed it to be a good thing, and that he hoped some day +to see it applied to the other planets. + +He was also the inventor of a telescope that had a magnifying power of +thirty times. He presented this to the Venetian senate, and it was used +in making appropriations for river and harbor improvements. + +By telescopic investigation Galileo discovered the presence of microbes +in the moon, but was unable to do anything for it. I have spoken of Mr. +Galileo, informally calling him by his first name, all the way through +this article, for I feel so thoroughly acquainted with him, though there +was such a striking difference in our ages, that I think I am justified +in using his given name while talking of him. + +Galileo also sat up nights and visited with Venus through a long +telescope which he had made himself from an old bamboo fishing-rod. + +But astronomy is a very enervating branch of science. Galileo frequently +came down to breakfast with red, heavy eyes, eyes that were swollen full +of unshed tears. Still he persevered. Day after day he worked and +toiled. Year after year he went on with his task till he had worked out +in his own mind the satellites of Jupiter and placed a small tin tag on +each one, so that he would know it readily when he saw it again. Then he +began to look up Saturn's rings and investigate the freckles on the sun. +He did not stop at trifles, but went bravely on till everybody came for +miles to look at him and get him to write something funny in their +autograph albums. It was not an unusual thing for Galileo to get up in +the morning, after a wearisome night with a fretful, new-born star, to +find his front yard full of albums. Some of them were little red albums +with floral decorations on them, while others were the large plush and +alligator albums of the affluent. Some were new and had the price-mark +still on them, while others were old, foundered albums, with a droop in +the back and little flecks of egg and gravy on the title-page. All came +with a request for Galileo "to write a little, witty, characteristic +sentiment in them." + +Galileo was the author of the hydrostatic paradox and other sketches. He +was a great reader and a fluent penman. One time he was absent from +home, lecturing in Venice for the benefit of the United Aggregation of +Mutual Admirers, and did not return for two weeks, so that when he got +back he found the front room full of autograph albums. It is said that +he then demonstrated his great fluency and readiness as a thinker and +writer. He waded through the entire lot in two days with only two men +from West Pisa to assist him. Galileo came out of it fresh and youthful, +and all of the following night he was closeted with another inventor, a +wicker-covered microscope, and a bologna sausage. The investigations +were carried on for two weeks, after which Galileo went out to the +inebriate asylum and discovered some new styles of reptiles. + +Galileo was the author of a little work called "I Discarsi e +Dimas-Trazioni Matematiche Intorus a Due Muove Scienze." It was a neat +little book, of about the medium height, and sold well on the trains, +for the Pisan newsboys on the cars were very affable, as they are now, +and when they came and leaned an armful of these books on a passenger's +leg and poured into his ear a long tale about the wonderful beauty of +the work, and then pulled in the name of the book from the rear of the +last car, where it had been hanging on behind, the passenger would most +always buy it and enough of the name to wrap it up in. + +He also discovered the isochronism of the pendulum. He saw that the +pendulum at certain seasons of the year looked yellow under the eyes, +and that it drooped and did not enter into its work with the old zest. +He began to study the case with the aid of his new bamboo telescope and +a wicker-covered microscope. As a result, in ten days he had the +pendulum on its feet again. + +Galileo was inclined to be liberal in his religious views, more +especially in the matter of the Scriptures, claiming that there were +passages in the Bible which did not literally mean what the translator +said they did. This was where Galileo missed it. So long as he +discovered stars and isochronisms and such things as that, he succeeded, +but when he began to fool with other people's religious beliefs he got +into trouble. He was forced to fly from Pisa, we are told by the +historian, and we are assured at the same time that Galileo, who had +always been far, far ahead of all competitors in other things, was +equally successful as a fleer. + +Galileo received but sixty scudi per year as his salary while at Pisa, +and a part of that he took in town orders, worth only sixty cents on the +scudi. + + + + +HOW TO PICK OUT A BIRTHPLACE + +XXII + + +Every American youth has been told repeatedly by his parents and his +teachers that he must be a good boy and an exemplary young man in order +to become the president of the United States. There is nothing new in +this statement, and I do not print it because I regard it in the light +of a "scoop." But I desire to go a trifle further, and call the +attention of the American youth to the fact that he must begin at a much +earlier date to prepare himself for the presidency than has been +generally taught. He must not only acquire all the knowledge within +reach, and guard his moral character night and day through life, or at +least up to the time of his election, but he must be a self-made man, +and he should also use the utmost care and discretion in the selection +of his birthplace. + +A boy may thoughtlessly select the wrong state, or even a foreign +country, as the site for his birthplace, and then the most exemplary +life will not avail him. But hardest of all, perhaps, for one who +aspires to the highest office within the gift of the people, is the +selection of a house in which to be born. For this reason I have +selected a few specimen birthplaces for the guidance of those who may be +ignorant of the points which should be possessed by a birthplace. + +Take, for instance, the residence of Andrew Jackson. No one has ever +retained a stronger hold upon the tendrils of the Democratic heart than +Andrew Jackson. His name appears more frequently to-day in papers for +which he never subscribed than that of any other president who has +passed away. + +Andrew Jackson was a poor boy, whose father was a farm laborer and died +before Andrew's birth, thus leaving the boy perfectly free to choose the +site of his birthplace. + +[Illustration] + +He did not care much about books, but felt confident at the start that +he had chosen a good place to be born at, and therefore could not be +defeated in his race for the presidency. Here in this house A. Jackson +first saw the light, and here his excellency sent up his first +Democratic whoop. Here, on the back stoop, was where he was sent +sorrowing at night to wash his chapped feet with soft soap before his +mother would allow him to go to bed. Here Andrew turned the grindstone +in the shed, while a large, heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour +or two. Here the future president sprouted potatoes in the dark and +noisome cellar, while other boys, who cared nothing for the presidency, +drowned out woodchucks and sucked eggs in open defiance of the pulpit +and press of the country. + +[Illustration: _Here Andrew turned the grindstone in the shed, while a +large, heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour or two_ (Page 210)] + +And yet, what a quiet, peaceful, unostentatious home, with its little +windows opening out upon the snow in winter and upon bare ground in +summer. How peaceful it looks! Who would believe that up in the dark +corner of the gable end it harbors a large iron-gray hornets' nest with +brocaded hornets in it? And still it is so quiet that, on hot summer +afternoons, while the bees are buzzing around the petunias and the +regular breathing of the sandy-colored shoat in the back lot shows that +all nature is hushed and drugged into a deep and oppressive repose, the +old hen, lulled into a sense of false security, walks into the "setting +room," eats the seeds out of several everlasting flowers, samples a few +varnished acorns on an ornamental photograph frame in the corner, and +then goes out to the kitchen, where she steps into the dough that is set +behind the stove to raise. + +Here in this quiet home, far from the enervating pousse cafe and carte +blanche, where he had pork rind tied on the outside of his neck for sore +throat, and where pepper, New Orleans molasses and vinegar, together +with other groceries calculated to discourage illness, were put inside, +he laid the foundation of his future greatness. + +Later on, the fever of ambition came upon him, and he taught school +where the big girls snickered at him and the big boys went so far away +at noon that they couldn't hear the bell and were glad of it, and came +back an hour late with water in both ears and crawfish in their pockets. + +After that he learned to be a saddler, fought in the Revolutionary War, +afterward writing it up for the papers in a graphic way, showing how it +happened that most everybody was killed but himself. + +Here the reader is given an excellent view of the birthplace of +President Lincoln. + +[Illustration] + +The artist has very wisely left out of the picture several people who +sought to hand themselves down to posterity by being photographed in +various careless attitudes in the foreground. + +In this house Mr. Lincoln determined to establish for himself a +birthplace and to remain for eight years afterwards. In fancy, the +reader can see little Abraham running about the humble cot, preceded by +his pale, straw-colored Kentucky dog, or perhaps standing in "the +branch," with the soothing mud squirting gently up between his dimpled +toes. + +Here a great heart first learned to beat in unison with all humanity. +Late one night, after the janitor had retired, he pulled the +latch-string of this humble place and asked if the proprietor objected +to children. Learning that he did not, the little emancipator deposited +on the desk a small parcel consisting of several rectangular cotton +garments done up in a shawl-strap, and asked for a room with a bath. + +[Illustration] + +Our next illustration shows the birthplace of President Garfield. He was +born plainly at Orange, Cuyahoga county, Ohio. Here he spent his +childhood in preparing for the presidency, lying on his stomach for +hours by the light of a pine-knot, studying all about the tariff, and +ascertaining how many would remain if William had seven apples and gave +three to Henry and two to Jane. He soon afterward went to work on a +canal as boatswain of a mule. It was here he learned that profanity +could be carried to excess. He very early found that by coupling the +mule to the boat by the use of a cistern pole, instead of coming into +direct contact with the accursed yet buoyant end of the animal, he could +bring with him a better record to the class-meeting than otherwise. He +then taught school, and was beloved by all as a tutor. Many of his +pupils grew up to be ornaments to society, and said they had never seen +tuting that could equal that of their old tutor. + +Mr. Garfield availed himself of the above birthplace on the 19th of +November, A. D. 1831. He then utilized it as a residence. + +Here we are given a fine view of the birthplace of President Cleveland. +It is a plain structure, containing windows through which those who are +inside may look out, while those who are on the outside may readily look +in. + +[Illustration] + +Under this roof the idea first came to Mr. Cleveland that some day he +might fill the presidential chair to overflowing. If the reader will go +around to the door of the shed on the other side of the house, he will +see little Grover just coming out and wiping his mouth with the back of +his hand. + +On the door of the barn can be seen the following legend, scratched on +its surface with a nail: + + "I druther be born lucky than blong to a nold Ristocratic fambly. + + S. G. C." + +[Illustration] + +Here we have an excellent view of Mr. Harrison's birthplace from the +main road. It hardly seems possible that a man who now lives in a large +house, with a spare room to it, gas in all parts of it, and wool carpets +on the floor, should have once lived in such a plain structure as this. +It shows that America is the place for the poor boy. Here he can rise to +a great height by his own powers. Little did Bennie think at one time +that people would some day come from all quarters of the United States +to see him and take him kindly by the hand and say that they were well +acquainted with his folks when they were poor. + +These various birthplaces prove to us what style is best calculated for +a presidential candidate. They demonstrate that poverty is no drawback, +and that frequently it is a good stimulant for the right kind of a boy. +I once knew a poor boy whose clothes did not fit him very well when he +was little, and now that he is grown up it is the same way. + +That poor boy was myself. But I can not close this research without +saying that the boys alone can not claim the glory in America. The girls +are entitled to recognition. + +[Illustration] + +Permit me, therefore, to present the birthplace of Belva A. Lockwood. I +do not speak of it because I desire to treat the matter lightly, but to +call attention to little Belva's sagacity in selecting the same style of +birthplace as that chosen by other presidential candidates. She very +truly said in the course of a conversation with the writer: "My theory +as to the selection of a birthplace is, first be sure you are right and +then go ahead." + +We should learn from all the above that a humble origin does not prevent +a successful career. Had Abraham Lincoln been wealthy, he would have +been taught, perhaps, a style of elocution and gesture that would have +taken first rate at a parlor entertainment, and yet he might never have +made his Gettysburg speech. While he was president he never looked at +his own hard hands and knotted knuckles that he was not reminded of his +toiling neighbors, whose honest sweat and loyal blood had made this +mighty republic a source of glory and not of shame forever. + +So, in the future, whether it be a Grover, a Benjamin, or a Belva, may +the President of the United States be ever ready to remove the cotton +from his ears at the first cry of the oppressed and deserving poor. + + + + +ON BROADWAY + +XXIII + + +Once when in New York I observed a middle-aged man remove his coat at +the corner of Fulton street and Broadway and wipe the shoulders thereof +with a large red handkerchief of the Thurman brand. There was a dash of +mud in his whiskers and a crick in his back. He had just sought to cross +Broadway, and the disappointed ambulance had gone up street to answer +another call. He was a plain man with a limited vocabulary, but he spoke +feelingly. I asked him if I could be of any service to him, and he said +No, not especially, unless I would be kind enough to go up under the +back of his vest and see if I could find the end of his suspender. I did +that and then held his coat for him while he got in it again. He +afterward walked down the east side of Broadway with me. + +[Illustration: _A man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor of +Boston, but my idee is that he's a heap more likely to be mayor of New +Jerusalem_ (Page 220)] + +"That's twice I've tried to git acrost to take the Cortlandt street +ferry boat sence one o'clock, and hed to give it up both times," he +said, after he had secured his breath. + +"So you don't live in town?" + +"No, sir, I don't, and there won't be anybody else livin' in town, +either, if they let them crazy teamsters run things. Look at my coat! +I've wiped the noses of seventy-nine single horses and eleven double +teams sence one o'clock, and my vitals is all a perfect jell. I bet if I +was hauled up right now to be postmortumed the rear breadths of my liver +would be a sight to behold." + +"Why didn't you get a policeman to escort you across?" + +"Why, condemb it, I did futher up the street, and when I left him the +policeman reckoned his collar-bone was broke. It's a blamed outrage, I +think. They say that a man that crosses Broadway for a year can be mayor +of Boston, but my idee is that he's a heap more likely to be mayor of +the New Jerusalem." + +"Where do you live, anyway?" + +"Well, I live near Pittsburg, P. A., where business is active enough to +suit 'most anybody, 'specially when a man tries to blow out a +natural-gast well, but we make our teamsters subservient to the +Constitution of the United States. We don't allow this Juggernaut +business the way you fellers do. There a man would drive clear round the +block ruther than to kill a child, say nuthin of a grown person. Here +the hubs and fellers of these big drays and trucks are mussed up all the +time with the fragments of your best people. Look at me. What +encouragement is there for a man to come here and trade? Folks that live +here tell me that they do most of their business by telephone in the +daytime, and then do their runnin' around at night, but I've got apast +that. Time was when I could run around nights and then mow all day, but +I can't do it now. People that leads a suddentary life, I s'pose, +demands excitement, and at night they will have their fun; but take a +man like me--he wants to transact his business in the daytime by word o' +mouth, and then go to bed. He don't want to go home at 3 o'clock with a +plug hat full of digestive organs that he never can possibly put back +just where they was before. + +"No, I don't want to run down a big city like New York and nuther do I +want to be run down myself. They tell me I can go up town on this side +and take the boat so as to get to Jersey City that way, and I'm going to +do it ruther than to go home with a neck yoke run through me. Folks say +that Jurden is a hard road to travel, but I'm positive that a man would +get jerked up and fined for driving as fast there as they do on +Broadway; and then another thing, I s'pose there's a good deal less +traffic over the road." + +He then went down Wall street to the Hanover Square station and I saw +him no more. + + + + +MY TRIP TO DIXIE + +XXIV + + +I once took quite a long railway trip into the South in search of my +health. I called my physicians together, and they decided by a rising +vote that I ought to go to a warmer clime, or I should enjoy very poor +health all winter. So I decided to go in search of my health, if I died +on the trail. + +I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale, sallow liar, who is just +beginning to work his way up to the forty-ninth degree in the Order of +Ananias. He will surely be heard from again some day, as he has the +elements that go to make up a successful prevaricator. + +He said that I could go through from Cincinnati to Asheville, North +Carolina, with only one easy change of cars, and in about twenty-three +hours. It took me twice that time, and I had to change cars three times +in the dead of night. + +The southern railroad is not in a flourishing condition. It ought to go +somewhere for its health. Anyway, it ought to go somewhere, which at +present it does not. According to the old Latin proverb, I presume we +should say nothing but good of the dead, but I am here to say that the +railroad that knocked my spine loose last week, and compelled me to +carry lunch baskets and large Norman two-year-old gripsacks through the +gloaming, till my arms hung down to the ground, does not deserve to be +treated well, even after death. + +I do not feel any antipathy toward the South, for I did not take any +part in the war, remaining in Canada during the whole time, and so I can +not now be accused of offensive partisanship. I have always avoided +anything that would look like a settled conviction in any of these +matters, retaining always a fair, unpartisan and neutral idiocy in +relation to all national affairs, so that I might be regarded as a good +civil service reformer, and perhaps at some time hold an office. + +To further illustrate how fair-minded I am in these matters, I may say I +have patiently read all the war articles written by both sides, and I +have not tried to dodge the foot-notes or the marginal references, or +the war maps or the memoranda. I have read all these things until I +can't tell who was victorious, and if that is not a fair and impartial +way to look at the war, I don't know how to proceed in order to +eradicate my prejudices. + +But a railroad is not a political or sectional matter, and it ought not +to be a local matter unless the train stays at one end of the line all +the time. This road, however, is the one that discharged its engineer +some years ago, and when he took his time-check he said he would now go +to work for a sure-enough road with real iron rails to it, instead of +two streaks of rust on a right of way. + +All night long, except when we were changing cars, we rattled along over +wobbling trestles and third mortgages. The cars were graded from +third-class down. The road itself was not graded at all. + +They have the same old air in these coaches that they started out with. +Different people, with various styles of breath, have used this air and +then returned it. They are using the same air that they did before the +war. It is not, strictly speaking, a national air. It is more of a +languid air, with dark circles around its eyes. + +At one place where I had an engagement to change cars, we had a wait of +four hours, and I reclined on a hair-cloth lounge at the hotel, with the +intention of sleeping a part of the time. + +Dear, patient reader, did you every try to ride a refractory hair-cloth +lounge all night, bare back? Did you ever get aboard a short, +old-fashioned, black, hair-cloth lounge, with a disposition to buck? + +I was told that this was a kind, family lounge that would not shy or +make trouble anywhere, but I had only just closed my dark-red and +mournful eyes in sleep when this lounge gently humped itself, and shed +me as it would its smooth, dark hair in the spring, tra la. + +The floor caught me in its great strong arms and I vaulted back upon the +polished bosom of the hair-cloth lounge. It was made for a man about +fifty-three inches in length, and so I had to sleep with my feet in my +pistol pockets and my nose in my bosom up to the second joint. + +I got so that I could rise off the floor and climb on the lounge without +waking up. It grew to be second nature to me. I did it just as a man who +is hungry in his sleep bites off large fragments of the air and eats it +involuntarily and smacks his lips and snorts. So I arose and deposited +myself again and again on that old swayback but frolicsome wreck without +waking. But I couldn't get aboard softly enough to avoid waking the +lounge. It would yawn and rumble inside and rise and fall like the deep +rolling sea, till at last I gave up trying to sleep on it any more, and +curled up on the floor. + +[Illustration: _I bought tickets at Cincinnati of a pale, sallow liar, +who is just beginning to work his way up to the forty-ninth degree in +the Order of Ananias_ (Page 222)] + +The hair-cloth lounge, in various conditions of decrepitude, maybe found +all through this region. Its true inwardness is composed of spiral +springs which have gnawed through the cloth in many instances. These +springs have lost none of their old elasticity of spirits, and cordially +corkscrew themselves into the affections of the man who sits down on +them. If anything could make me thoroughly attached to the South it +would be one of these spiral springs bored into my person about a foot. +But that is the only way to remain on a hair-cloth chair or sofa. No man +ever successfully sat on one of them for any length of time unless he +had a strong pair of pantaloons and a spiral spring twisted into him for +some distance. + +In private houses hair-cloth sofas may be found in a domesticated state, +with a pair of dark, reserved chairs, waiting for some one to come and +fall off them. In hotels they go in larger flocks, and graze together in +the parlor. + + + + +THE THOUGHT CLOTHIER + +XXV + + +General Dado has been sharply criticised--roundly abused, even--for +making a claim against the Grant estate for alleged assistance in +preparing the "Memoirs" that have added to that estate some half-million +of dollars. The Philadelphia _Bulletin_ says:--"There is no mark of +contempt so strong that it ought not to be fixed on so shameless and +unblushing an ingrate." And it is this--the man's ingratitude--that most +offends. General Grant's unswerving loyalty to Dado, his zeal in giving +places to him so long as he had them to give, and in soliciting others +to give them when it was no longer in his own power to do so, was an +offense in the nostrils of most Americans. His intimacy with Dado was +one of the causes of Grant's being in bad odor, as it were, at a certain +period of his career; and the present unpleasantness is a part of the +penalty for taking such a man into his bosom. The claimant is getting +the worst of it, however, and we are tempted to overlook his ingratitude +for the sake of the following skit called forth by his appearance as a +thinker and clothier of thoughts.--_The Critic_. + +There is something slightly pathetic in the delayed statement that some +of General Grant's best thoughts were supplied by General Adam Dado. +While it is a great credit to any man to do the meditating, pondering, +and word-painting necessary for a book which can attain such a sale as +Grant's "Memoirs," it shows a condition of affairs which every literary +man or woman must sadly deplore. Who of us is now safe? + +While the warrior, as a warrior, has nothing to do but continue +victorious through life, he can not safely write a book for posterity. +Literature is at all times more or less hazardous under present +copyright regulations, but it becomes doubly so when our estates have to +reimburse some silent thinker who thought things for us while +amanuensing in our employ. Even though we may have told him not to think +thoughts for us, even though we asked him as a special favor to avoid +putting his own clothing on our poor, little, shivering, naked facts, +there is no law which can prevent his making that claim after we are +dead. + +And how can a court of law or an intelligent jury judge such a matter? A +great man thinks a thought in the presence of two amanuenses, provided I +am right in spelling the plural in that way. He thinks a thought, I say, +surrounded by those two gentlemen and an improved typewriter. He gives +utterance to the thought and dies. One of the amanuensisters then states +to the jury that he thought it himself, and that his comrade clothed it. +The estate is then asked to pay so much per think for the thoughts and +so much at war prices for clothing the ideas. Who is able, unless it be +an intelligent jury, to arrive at the truth? + +The first question to ask ourselves is this: Was General Grant in the +habit of calling in a thinker whenever he wanted anything done in that +line? He says distinctly in his letter that he was not. He could not do +it. It was impracticable. Supposing in the crash of battle and in the +moment of victory your short, hard thinker has his head shot off and it +falls in a pumpkin orchard, where there is naturally more or less delay +in identifying it, what can you do? Suppose that you were the president +of the United States, and your think-supply got snow-bound at Newark in +a vestibule train, and congress were waiting for you to veto a bill. You +could not think the thought in the first place, and even if you could +you would hate to send it to congress until it was properly clothed. I +am told that nothing shocks congress so much as the sudden appearance +"in its midst" of a naked and new-born thought. + +But General Dado has the advantage over General Grant in one respect. He +can not be injured much. Otherwise the case is against him. But the +matter will be watched with careful interest by literary people +generally, and especially by soldiers and magazines with a war history. +It is a warning to those who think their thoughts in unguarded moments +while stenographers may be near to take them down and claim them +afterwards. It is also a warning to people who thoughtlessly expose +naked facts in the presence of word-painters and thought-clothiers, who +may decorate and outfit these children of the brain and charge it up to +the estate. + +Is the time coming when general dealers in apparel and gents' furnishing +goods for the use of bare facts, and men who attend to the costuming, +draping, and swaddling of nude ideas, will compete so closely with each +other that, before a think has its eyes fairly open, one of these +gentlemen will slap a suit of clothes on it, with a Waterbury watch in +each pocket, and have a boy half way to the office with the bill? + + + + +A RUBBER ESOPHAGUS. + +XXVI + + +Puget Sound is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful sheets of water in +the world. Its bosom is as unruffled as that of an angel who is opposed +to ruffles on general principles. + +To say that real estate was once active at certain places on its shores +is just simply about as powerful as the remark made by the frontiersman +who came home from his haying one afternoon and found that the Indians +had burned up his buildings, massacred his wife, driven off his milch +cows and killed his children. He looked over the bloody scene and then +said to himself with great feeling; "This, it seems to me, is perfectly +ridiculous." + +I once drove about Seattle for two days with a real estate man, not +buying, but just riding and enjoying the scenery while we allowed +prices gently to advance and our whiskers to grow. Finally I asked him +if he knew of a real "snap," as Herbert Spencer would call it, within +the reach of a poor man. He said that there was a bargain out towards +Lake Washington, and if I wanted to see it we could go out there. I said +I should like to see it, for, if really desirable, I might buy some +outside property. We drove quite awhile through the primeval forest, and +after baiting our team and eating some lunch which we had with us, we +resumed our journey, scaring up a bear on the way, which I was assured, +however, was a tame bear. At last we tied the team, and, walking over +the ridge, we found a lot facing west, seventy-three feet front, which +could be had then at $1,500. I don't suppose you could get it at that +price now, for it is within a stone's throw of the power house and cable +running from the city to Lake Washington. + +A friend of mine once told me how he lost a trade in Spokane Falls. He +had the refusal for a week of a twenty-four-foot business lot "at $500." +He thought and worried and prayed over it, and wrote home about it, and +finally decided to take it. On the last day of grace he counted up his +money and finding that he had just the amount, he went over to the +agent's office with it to close the trade. + +"Have you the currency with you to make the trade all cash?" asked the +agent. + +"Yes, sir, I have the whole $500 in currency," said my friend, drawing +himself up to his full height and putting his cigar back a little +further in his cheek. + +"Five hundred dollars!" exclaimed the agent with a low, gurgling laugh; +"the lot is $500 per front foot. I didn't suppose you were Pan-American +ass enough to think you could get a business lot in Spokane for $500. +You can't get a load of sand for your children to play in at that rate." + +Once as my train passed a little red depot I saw a young squaw leaning +up against the building, and crying. As we moved along I saw a plain +black coffin--a cheap affair of pine, daubed with walnut stain to make +it look still cheaper, I presume. I had never seen an Indian--even a +squaw--weeping before, and so the picture remained with me a long time, +and may for a long time yet to come. + +I've never been a pronounced friend of the Indian, as those who know me +best will agree. I have claimed that though he was first to locate in +this country, he did not develop the lead or do assessment work even, so +the thing was open to re-location. The white man has gone on and found +mineral in many places, made a big output, and is still working day and +night shifts, while the Indian is shiftless day and night, so far as I +have observed. + +But when we see the poor devils buying our coffins for their dead, even +though they may go very hungry for days afterwards, and, as they fade +away forever as a people, striving to conform to our customs and wear +suspenders and join in prayer, common humanity leads us to think +solemnly of their melancholy end. + +On that trip I met with a medical and surgical curiosity while on the +cars. It consisted of a young man who was compelled to take his +nourishment through a rubber tube which led directly into his stomach +through his side. I had heard of something like it and in my extensive +medical library had read of cases resembling it, but not entirely the +same. The conductor, who had shown me a great many little courtesies +already, invited me into the baggage car, where he had the young man, in +order that I might see him. + +The subject was a German about twenty years of age, of dark complexion +and phlegmatic temperament. He stood probably about five feet four +inches high in his stocking feet and did not attract me as a person of +prominence until the conductor informed me that he ate through the side +of his vest. + +It seems that about two years ago the boy had some little gastric +disturbance resulting from eating a nocturnal watermelon or callow +cucumber. As I understand it, he, in an unguarded moment, called a +physician who aimed to be his own worst enemy, but who contrived to work +in the public on the same basis, using no favoritism whatever. He was a +doctor who has since gone into the gibbering industry in alcoholic +circles. + +So it happened that on the day he was called to the bedside of this +plain, juvenile colic, the enemy he had taken into his mouth the evening +before had, as a matter of fact, rifled his pseudo-brains, and being +bitterly disappointed in them, had no doubt failed to return them. + +Therefore "Doc," as he was affectionately called by the widowers +throughout the neighborhood, was entirely unfit to prescribe. He did so, +however, just the same. That kind of a doctor is generally willing to +rush in where angels fear to tread. He cheerfully prescribed for the +boy, and, in fact, filled the prescription himself. The principal +ingredient of this compound was carbolic acid. A man who can, by +mistake, administer carbolic acid and not even smell it, must do his +thinking by means of a sort of intellectual wart. + +But he did it, anyhow. + +So, after great suffering, the young fellow lost the use of his entire +esophagus, the lining coming off as a result of this liquid holocaust, +and then afterwards growing together again. + +The parents now decided to change physicians. So after giving "Doc" a +cow and settling up with him, another physician was called in. He said +there was no way to reach the stomach but from the exterior, and, +although hazardous, it might save the patient's life. Speedy action must +be taken, however, as the young man was already getting up quite an +appetite. + +I can imagine Old Man Gastric waiting there patiently, day after day, +every little while looking at his watch, wondering, and singing: + + We are waiting, waiting, waiting, + +Finally, as he sits near the cardial orifice, where the sign has been +recently put up, + + THE ELEVATOR IS NOT RUNNING, + +a light bursts through the walls of his house and he hears voices. +Hastily throwing one of the coats of the stomach over his shoulders, he +springs to his feet just in time to catch about a nickel's worth of +warm beef tea down the back of his neck. + +The patient now wears about two feet of inch hose, one end of which is +introduced into the upper and anterior lobe of the stomach. The other he +has embellished with a plain cork stopper. I asked him if he would join +me in a drink of water from the ice-cooler, and he said he would, under +the circumstances. He said that he had just taken one, but would not +mind taking one more with me. He then removed the stopper from his new +Goodyear esophagus, inserted a neat little tin funnel, with which he was +able to introduce the water. It gently settled down and disappeared in +his depths, and then, putting away the garden hose, he accepted a dollar +and gave me a history of the case as I have set it forth above, or +substantially so, at least. + +I could not help thinking of him afterward. I tried to imagine him on +his way to Europe over a stormy sea; the surprise of his stomach when it +found itself frustrated and beaten at its own game, and all that. Then I +thought of him as the honored guest of some great corporation or club, +and at the banquet, when the president, in a few well-chosen words, +apparently born of the moment but really wearing trousers, says, +"Gentlemen, we have with us this evening," etc., etc.; and then rising, +all the members join in a toast to the guest. Touching his glass to +theirs, and then gracefully unreeling his garden hose, he takes from his +pocket the small funnel, and, gently sipping the generous wine through +his tin pharynx, he begins his well-digested response. + +Nature did not do much for this poor lad, but science has stepped in and +made him a man of mark. He went to bed unknown. He awoke to find himself +noted. He went to sleep with ordinary tastes. He arose with no taste at +all. Thus, through the medical treatment of a typhoid idiot, for a +disease which was in no way malignant, or, as I might say, therapeutic, +he became a man of parts and stands next to the nobility of Europe, not +having to work. + +Afterward, in Paris, I saw on the street a man who played the trombone +by means of a bullet-hole in his trachea, but I do not think it +elevated me and spurred me on to nobler endeavor and made a better man +of me, as did this simple-hearted young gentleman who made a living by +eating publicly through a tin horn, and who actually earned his bread by +eating it. I hope that the medical fraternity will make his case a study +and try to do better next time. That is the only moral I can think of in +connection with this story. + + + + +ADVICE TO A SON + +XXVII + + +MY DEAR SON: I just came here to New York on business, and thought I +would write to you a few lines, as I have a little time that is not +taken up. I came here on a train from Chicago the other day. Before I +started, I got a lower berth in a sleeping car, but when I went to put +my sachel in it, before I left Chicago, there were two women and a +little girl there, and so I told the porter I would wait until they +moved before I put my baggage in the section, for of course I thought +they were just sitting there for a minute to rest. + +Hours rolled by and they did not move. I kept on sitting in the +smoking-room, but they stayed. By and by the porter came and asked me if +I had "lower four." I said yes--I paid for it, but I couldn't really say +I had it in my possession. He then said that two ladies and a little +girl had "upper four," and asked if I would mind swapping with them. I +said that I would do so, for I didn't see how a whole family circle +could climb up into the upper berth and remain there, and I would rather +give them the lower one than spend the night picking up different +members of the family and replacing them in the home nest after they had +fallen out. + +I had a bad cold, and though I knew that sleeping in the upper berth +would add to it, I did not murmur. But little did I realize that they +would hold the whole thing all of two days, and fill it full of broken +crackers and banana peels, and leave me to ride backward in the +smoking-room from Chicago to New York, after I had paid five dollars for +a seat and lower berth. + +Woman is a poor, frail vessel, Henry, but she manages to arrive at her +destination all right. She buys an upper berth and then swaps it with an +old man for his lower berth, giving to boot a half-smothered sob and two +scalding tears. Then she says "Thank you," if she feels like it at the +end of the road, though these women did not. I have pneuemonia in its +early stages, but I have done a kind act, which I shall probably have +to do over again when I return. + +If you ever become the parent of a daughter, Henry, and you like her +pretty well, I hope you will teach her to acknowledge a courtesy, +instead of looking upon the earth and the fullness thereof as a +partnership property, owned jointly by herself and the Lord. + +A woman who has traveled a good deal is generally polite, and knows how +to treat her fellow passengers and the porter, but people who are making +their first or second trip, I notice, most generally betray the fact by +tramping all over the other passengers. + +Another mistake, Henry, which I hope you will not make, is that of +taking very small children to travel. Children should remain at home +until they are at least two or three days old, otherwise they are +troublesome to their parents and also bother the other passengers. There +ought to be a law, too, that would prevent parents from taking larger +children who should be in the reform school. Some parents seem to think +that what their children do is funny, when, instead of humor, it is +really felony. It does not entirely set matters right, for instance, +when a child has torn off a gentleman's ear, merely to make the child +return it to the owner, for you can never put an ear back in its place +after it has been torn off and stepped on, in such a way as to make it +look the same as it did at first. + +I heard a mother say on the train that her little boy never was quite +himself while traveling, because he wasn't well. She feared it was the +change in the water that made him sick. He had then drank a whole +ice-water tank empty, and was waiting impatiently till we got to +Pittsburg, so that he could drink out of the hydrant. + +Queer people also ride on the elevated trains here in New York. It is a +singular experience to a stranger to ride on these cars. It made me ill +at first, but after awhile I got so mad that I forgot about it. For +instance, at places like Fourteenth street, and Twenty-third street, and +Park Place, there are generally several people who want to get aboard a +little before the passengers get off. Two or three times I was carried +by because the guards wouldn't enforce the rule, and I had a good deal +of trouble, till I took an old pair of Mexican spurs out of my trunk and +strapped them on my elbows. After that I could stroll along Broadway, or +get off a train when I got ready, and have some comfort. + +The gates on the elevated trains get shet rather sudden +sometimes, and once they shet in a part of a man, I was +told, and left the rest of him on the outside, so that after a while he +fell off over the trestle, because there was more of him on the outside +than on the inside, and he didn't seem to balance somehow. It was rare +sport for the guards to watch the man scraping along the side of the +road and sweeping off the right of way. + +One day, when I was on board, there was a crowd at one of the stations, +and an old man and a little girl tried to get on. She was looking out +for the old man, and seemed to kind of steer him on the platform. Just +as he stepped on the train, the guard shut the gate and left the little +girl outside. She looked so scart and pitiful, as the train left her, +that I'll never forget it to my dying day, and as we left the platform I +saw her wring her poor little hands, and I heard her cry, "Oh, mister, +let me go with him. My poor grandpa is blind." + +Sure enough, the old man groped around almost crazy on that swaying +train, without knowing where he was, and feeling through the empty air +for the gentle hand of the little girl who had been left behind. Two or +three of us took care of the old man and got him off at the next +station, where we waited till she came; but it was the most touching +thing I ever saw outside of a book. + +Another day the cars were full till you couldn't seem to get even an +umbrella into the aisle, I thought, but yet the guards told people to +step along lively, and encouraged them by prodding and pinching till +most everybody was fighting mad. + +Then a pale girl, with a bundle of sewing in her hand, and a hollow +cough that made everybody look that way, got into the aisle. She could +just barely get hold of the strap, and that was all. She wore a poor, +black cotton jersey, and when she reached up so high, the jersey part +would not stay where it belonged, and at the waist seemed to throw off +all responsibility. She realized it, and bit her lips, and two red spots +came on her pale face, and the tears came into her eyes, but she +couldn't let go of her bundle, and she couldn't let go of the strap, for +already the train threw her against a soiled man on one side and a tough +on the other. It was pitiful enough, so that men who had their seats +began to read advertisements and other things with their papers wrong +side up, in order to seem thoroughly engrossed in their business. + +But two pretty young men, with real good clothes, and white, soft hands, +had a great deal of fun over it, and every time the train would lurch +and throw the poor girl's jersey a little more out of plumb, they would +jab each other in the ribs, and laugh very hearty. I felt sorry that I +wasn't young again, so that I could go over there and kick both of +them. Henry, if I thought you would do a thing like that, or allow it +done on the same block where you happened to be, I would give my estate +to a charitable object, and refuse to recognize you in Paradise. + +Just then an oldish man of a chunky build, and with an eye as black as +the driven tomcat, reached through the crowded aisle with his umbrella +and touched the girl. She looked around, and he told her to come and +take his seat. As she squeezed through, and he rose to seat her, a large +man with black whiskers gently dropped into the vacant seat with a sigh +of relief, and began to read a two-year-old paper with much earnestness, +just as if he hadn't noticed the whole performance. The stout man was +thunderstruck. He said: + +"Excuse me, sir; I didn't leave my seat." + +"Yes, you did," says the black-whiskered pachyderm. "You can't expect to +keep a seat here and leave it too." + +"Well, but I rose to put this young lady in it, and I must ask you to be +kind enough to let her have it." + +"Excuse me," said the microbe, with a little chuckle of cussedness, +"you will have to take your chances, and wait for a vacant seat, same as +I did." + +That was all the conversation there was, but just then the short fat man +ran his thumb down inside the shirt collar of the yellow fever germ, and +jerked him so high that I could see the nails on the bottoms of his +boots. Then, with the other hand, he socked the young lady into his +seat, and took hold of a strap, where he hung on white and mad, but +victorious. + +After that there was a loud hurrah, and general enthusiasm and hand +clapping, and cries of "Good!" "Good!" and in the midst of it the +sporadic hog and the two refined young men got off the train. + +As the black and white Poland swine went out the door I noticed that +there was blood on the back of his neck, and later on I saw the short, +stout old gentleman remove a large mole or birthmark, which he really +had no use for, from under his thumb nail. + +On a Harlem train, as they call it, I saw a drunken young man in one of +the seats yesterday. He wasn't noisy, but he felt pretty fair. Next to +him was a real good young man, who seemed to feel his superiority a +great deal. Very soon the car got jammed full, and an old lady, poorly +dressed, but a mighty good, motherly old woman, I'll bet a hundred +dollars, got in. Her husband asked the good young man if he would kindly +give his wife a seat. He did not apparently hear at all, but got all +wrapped up in his paper, just as every man in a car does when he is +ashamed of himself. But the inebriated young man heard, and so he said: + +"Here, mister, take my seat for the old lady; any seat is good enough +for me." Whereupon he sat down in the lap of the good young man, and so +remained till he got to his station. + +This is a good town to study human nature in, Henry, and you would do +well to come here before your vacation is over, just to see what kind of +people the Lord allows to encumber the earth. It will show you how many +human brutes there are loose in the world who don't try any longer to +appear decent when they think their identity is swallowed up in the +multitude of a great city. There are just as selfish folks in the +smaller towns, but they are afraid to give themselves up to it, because +somebody in the crowd would be sure to recognize them. Here a man has +the advantage of a perpetual _nom de plume_, and he is tempted to see +how pusillanimous he can be even when he is just here on a visit. I'm +going home next week, before I completely wreck my immortal soul. + +I left your mother pretty comfortable at home, but I haven't heard from +her since I left. + + Your father, + + BILL NYE. + + + + +THE AUTOMATIC BELL BOY + +XXVIII + + +Little did B. Franklin wot when he baited his pin hook with a good +conductor and tapped the low browed and bellowing storm nimbus with his +buoyant kite, thus crudely acquiring a pickle jar of electricity, that +the little start he then made would be the egg from which inventors and +scientists would hatch out the system which now not only encircles the +globe with messages swifter than the flight of Phoebus, but that anon +the light of day would be filtered through a cloud of cables loaded with +destruction sufficient for a whole army, and the air be filled with +death-dealing, dangling wires. + +Little did he know that he was bottling an agent which has since pulled +out the stopper with its teeth and grown till it overspreads the sky, +planting its bare, bleak telegraph poles along every highway, carrying +day messages by night and night messages when it gets ready, filling the +air with its rusty wings--provided, of course, that such agents wear +wings--and with the harsh, metallic, ghoulish laughter of the +signal-key, all the while resting one foot on the neck of the sender and +one on the neck of the recipient, defying aggregated humanity to do its +worst, and commanding all civilization, in terse, well-chosen terms, to +either fish, cut bait or go ashore. + +Could Benjamin have known all this at the time, possibly he might have +considered it wisdom to go in when it rained. + +I am not an old fogy, though I may have that appearance, and I rejoice +to see the world move on. One by one I have laid aside my own +encumbering prejudices in order to keep up with the procession. Have I +not gradually adopted everything that would in any way enhance my +opportunities for advancement, even through tedious evolution, from the +paper collar up to the finger bowl, eyether, and nyether? + +This should convince the reader that I am not seeking to clog the +wheels of progress. I simply look with apprehension upon any great +centralization of wealth or power in the hands of any one man who not +only does as he pleases with said wealth and power, but who, as I am +informed, does not read my timely suggestions as to how he shall use +them. + +To return, however, to the subject of electricity. I have recently +sought to fathom the style and _motif_ of a new system which is to be +introduced into private residences, hotels, and police headquarters. In +private houses it will be used as a burglar's welcome. In hotels it will +take the mental strain off the bell-boy, relieving him also of a portion +of his burdensome salary at the same time. In the police department it +will do almost everything but eat peanuts from the corner stands. + +I saw this system on exhibition in a large room, with the signals or +boxes on one side and the annunciator or central station on the other. +By walking from one to the other, a distance in all of thirty or forty +miles, I was enabled to get a slight idea of the principle. + +[Illustration: In hotels it will take the mental strain off the +bell-boy, relieving him also of a portion of his burdensome salary at +the same time (Page 256)] + +It is certainly a very intelligent system. I never felt my own +inferiority any more than I did in the presence of this wonderful +invention. It is able to do nearly anything, it seems to me, and the +main drawback appears to be its great versatility, on account of which +it is so complex that in order to become at all intimate with it a +policeman ought to put in two years at Yale and at least a year at +Leipsic. An extended course of study would perfect him in this line, but +he would not then be content to act as a policeman. He would aspire to +be a scientist, with dandruff on his coat collar and a far-away look in +his eye. + +Then, again, take the hotel scheme, for instance. We go to a dial which +is marked Room 32. There we find that by treating it in a certain way it +will announce to the clerk that Room 32 wants a fire, ice-water, pens, +ink, paper, lemons, towels, fire-escape, Milwaukee Sec, pillow-shams, a +copy of this book, menu, croton frappe, carriage, laundry, physician, +sleeping-car ticket, berth-mark for same, Halford sauce, hot flat-iron +for ironing trousers, baggage, blotter, tidy for chair, or any of those +things. In fact, I have not given half the list on this barometer +because I could not remember them, though I may have added others which +are not there. The message arrives at the office, but the clerk is +engaged in conversation with a lady. He does not jump when the alarm +sounds, but continues the dialogue. Another guest wires the office that +he would like a copy of the _Congressional Record_. The message is filed +away automatically, and the thrilling conversation goes on. Then No. +7-5/8 asks to have his mail sent up. No. 25 wants to know what time the +'bus leaves the house for the train going East, and whether that train +will connect at Alliance, Ohio, with a tide-water train for Cleveland in +time to catch the Lake Shore train which will bring him into New York at +7:30, and whether all those trains are reported on time or not, and if +not will the office kindly state why? Other guests also manifest morbid +curiosity through their transmitters, but the clerk does not get +excited, for he knows that all these remarks are filed away in the large +black walnut box at the back of the office. When he gets ready, +provided he has been through a course of study in this brand of +business, he takes one room at a time, and addressing a pale young +"Banister Polisher" by the name of "Front," he begins to scatter to +their destinations, baggage, towels, morning papers, time-tables, etc., +all over the house. + +It is also supposed to be a great time-saver. For instance, No. 8 wants +to know the correct time. He moves an indicator around like the +combination on a safe, reads a few pages of instructions, and then +pushes a button, perhaps. Instead of ringing for a boy and having to +wait some time for him, then asking him to obtain the correct time at +the office and come back with the information, conversing with various +people on his way and expecting compensation for it, the guest can ask +the office and receive the answer without getting out of bed. You leave +a call for a certain hour, and at that time your own private gong will +make it so disagreeable for you that you will be glad to rise. Again, if +you wish to know the amount of your bill, you go through certain +exercises with the large barometer in your room; and, supposing you have +been at the house two days and have had a fire in your room three times, +and your bill is therefore $132.18, the answer will come back and be +announced on your gong as follows: _One_, pause, _three_, pause, _two_, +pause, _one_, pause, _eight_. When there is a cipher in the amount I do +not know what the method is, but by using due care in making up the bill +this need not occur. + +For police and fire purposes the system shows a wonderful degree of +intelligence, not only as a speedy means of conveying calls for the fire +department, health department, department of street cleaning, department +of interior and good of the order, but it furnishes also a method of +transmitting emergency calls, so that no citizen--no matter how poor or +unknown--need go without an emergency. The citizen has only to turn the +crank of the little iron marten-house till the gong ceases to ring, then +push on the "Citizens' button," and he can have fun with most any +emergency he likes. Should he decide, however, to shrink from the +emergency before it arrives, he can go away from there, or secrete +himself and watch the surprise of the ambulance driver or the fire +department when no mangled remains or forked fire fiend is found in that +region. + +This system is also supposed to keep its eye peeled for policemen and +inform the central station where each patrolman is all the time; also as +to his temperature, pulse, perspiration and breath. It keeps a record of +this at the main office on a ticker of its own, and the information may +be published in the society columns of the papers in the morning. It +enables a citizen to use his own discretion about sounding an alarm. He +has only to be a citizen. He need not be a tax-payer or a vox populi. +Should he be a citizen, or declare his intention to become such, or even +though he be a voter only, without any notion of ever being a citizen, +he can help himself to the fire department or anything else by ringing +up the central station. + +Electricity and spiritualism have arrived at that stage of perfection +where a coil of copper wire and a can of credulity will accomplish a +great deal. The time is coming when even more surprising wonders will be +worked, and with electric wires, the rapid transit trains, and the +English sparrows all under the ground, the dawn of a better and brighter +day will be ushered in. The car-driver and the truck-man will then lie +down together, Boston will not rise up against London, he that +heretofore slag shall go forth no more for to slug, and the czar will +put aside his tailor-made boiler-iron underwear and fearlessly canvass +the nihilist wards in the interest of George Kennan and reform, nit. + +THE END. + + + * * * * * + + + AN ARTICLE ON THE WRITINGS OF + + James Whitcomb Riley + + BY "CHELIFER" + + + + + THE AMBROSIA OF JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY. + + "Chelifer" in "The Bookery."--Godey's Magazine. + + +There are writers that take Pegasus on giddier flights of fancy, and +writers that sit him more grandly, and writers that put him through +daintier paces, and writers that burden him with anguish nearer that of +the dread Rider of the White Horse, and there are writers that make him +a very bucking broncho of wit, but there is no one that turns Pegasus +into just such an ambling nag of lazy peace and pastoral content as +James--I had almost said Joshua Whitcomb--Riley. If you want a panacea +for the bitterness and the fret and the snobbishness and pretension and +unsympathy and the commercial ambition and worry and the other cankers +that gnaw and gnaw the soul, just throw a leg over the back of Riley's +Pegasus, "perfectly safe for family driving," let the reins hang loose +as you sag limply in your saddle, and gaze through drowsy eyes while the +amiable old beast jogs down lanes blissful with rural quietude, through +farmyards full of picturesque rustics and through the streets of quaint +villages. Then utter rest and a peace akin to bliss will possess your +soul. + +To make readers content with life and glad to live is one of the most +dazzlingly magnificent deeds in the power of an artist. This is too +little appreciated in the melodramatic theatricism of our life. This +genius for soothing the reader with a pathos that is not anguish and a +humor that is not cynicism, this genius belongs to Mr. Riley in a +degree I have found in no other writer in all literature. + +Of course, Mr. Riley is essentially a lyric poet. But his spirit is that +of Walt Whitman; he speaks the universal democracy, the equality of man, +the hatred of assumption and snobbery, that our republic stands for, if +it stands for anything. Now downright didacticism in a poet is an +abomination. But if a poet has no right to ponder the meanings of +things, the feelings of man for man and the higher "criticism of life," +then no one has. If to Pope's "The proper study of mankind is man," you +add "nature" and "nature's God," you will fairly well outline the poet's +field. + +Mere art (Heaven save the "mere"!) is not, and has never been, enough to +place a poet among the great spirits of the world. It has furnished a +number of nimble mandolinists and exquisite dilettants +for lazy moods. But great poetry must always be something more than +sweetmeats; it must be food--temptingly cooked, winningly served, well +spiced and well accompanied, but yet food to strengthen the blood and +the sinews of the soul. + +Therefore I make so bold as to insist that even in a lyrist there should +be something more than the prosperity or the dirge of personal _amours_: +there should be a sympathy with the world-joy, the world-suffering, and +the world-kinship. It is this attitude toward lyric poetry that makes me +think Mr. Riley a poet whose exquisite art is lavished on humanity so +deep-sounding as to commend him to the acceptance of immortality among +the highest lyrists. + +Horace was an acute thinker and a frank speaker on the problems of life. +This didacticism seems not to have harmed his artistic welfare, for he +has undoubtedly been the most popular poet that ever wrote. Consider the +magnitude and the enthusiasm of his audience! He has been the personal +chum of everyone that ever read Latinity. But Horace, when not exalted +with his inspired preachments on the art of life and the arts of poetry +and love, was a bitter cynic redeemed by great self-depreciation and +joviality. The son of a slave, he was too fond of court life to talk +democracy. + +Bobby Burns was a thorough child of the people, and is more like Mr. +Riley in every way than any other poet. Yet he, too, had a vicious +cynicism, and he never had the polished art that enriches some of Mr. +Riley's non-dialectic poetry, as in parts of his fairy fancy, "The +Flying Islands of the Night." + +Burns never had the versatility of sympathy that enables Mr. Riley to +write such unpastoral masterpieces as "Anselmo," "The Dead Lover," "A +Scrawl," "The Home-going," some of his sonnets, and the noble verses +beginning + + "A monument for the soldiers! + And what will ye build it of?" + +Yet it must be owned that Burns is in general Mr. Riley's prototype. Mr. +Riley admits it himself in his charming verses "To Robert Burns." + + "Sweet singer, that I lo'e the maist + O' ony, sin' wi' eager haste + I smacket bairn lips ower the taste + O' hinnied sang." + +The classic pastoral poets, Theokritos, Vergandil, the others, sang with +an exquisite art, indeed, yet their farm-folk were really Dresden-china +shepherds and shepherdesses speaking with affected simplicity or with +impossible elegance. Theokritos, like Burns and Riley, wrote partly in +dialect and partly in the standard speech, and to those who are never +reconciled to anything that can quote no "authority," there should be +sufficient justification for dialect poetry in this divine Sicilian +musician of whom his own Goatherd might have said: + + "Full of fine honey thy beautiful mouth was, Thyrsis, created + Full of the honeycomb; figs AEgilean, too, mayest thou nibble, + Sweet as they are; for ev'n than the locust more bravely thou singest." + +I have no room to argue the _pro's_ of dialect here, but it always seems +strange that those lazy critics who are unwilling to take the trouble to +translate the occasional hard words in a dialect form of their own +tongue, should be so inconsistent as ever to study a foreign language. +Then, too, dialect is necessary to truth, to local color, to intimacy +with the character depicted. Besides, it is delicious. There is +something mellow and soul-warming about a plebeian metathesis like +"congergation." What orthoepy could replace lines like these?: + + "Worter, shade and all so mixed, don't know which you'd orter + Say, th' _worter_ in the shadder--_shadder_ in the _worter_!" + +One thing about Mr. Riley's dialect that may puzzle those not familiar +with the living speech of the Hoosiers, is his spelling, which is +chiefly done as if by the illiterate speaker himself. Thus +"rostneer-time" and "ornry" must be AEolic Greek to those barbarians who +have never heard of "roasting-ears" of corn or of that contemptuous +synonym for "vulgar," "common," which is smoothly elided, +"or(di)n(a)ry." Both of these words could be spelled with a suggestive +and helpful use of apostrophes: "roast'n'-ear," and or'n'ry. + +Jumbles like "jevver" for "did you ever?" and the like can hardly be +spelled otherwise than phonetically, but a glossary should be appended +as in Lowell's "Biglow Papers," for the poems are eminently worth even +lexicon-thumbing. Another frequent fault of dialect writers is the +spelling phonetically of words pronounced everywhere alike. Thus +"enough" is spelled "enuff," and "clamor," "clammer," though Dr. Johnson +himself would never have pronounced them otherwise. In these +misspellings, however, Mr. Riley excuses himself by impersonating an +illiterate as well as a crude-speaking poet. But even then he is +inconsistent, and "hollowing" becomes "hollerin'," with an apostrophe to +mark the lost "g"--that abominable imported harshness that ought to be +generally exiled from our none too smooth language. Mr. Riley has +written a good essay in defense of dialect, which enemies of this form +of literature might read with advantage. + +But Mr. Riley has written a deal of most excellent verse that is not in +dialect. One whole volume is devoted to a fairy extravaganza called "The +Flying Islands of the Night," a good addition to that quaint literature +of lace to which "The Midsummer Night's Dream," Herrick's "Oberon's +Epithalamium," or whatever it is called, Drake's "Culprit Fay," and +other bits of most exquisite foolery belong. While hardly a complete +success, this diminutive drama contains some curiously delightful +conceits like this "improvisation:" + + "Her face--her brow--her hair unfurled!-- + And O the oval chin below, + Carved, like a cunning cameo, + With one exquisite dimple, swirled + With swimming shine and shade, and whirled + The daintiest vortex poets know-- + The sweetest whirlpool ever twirled + By Cupid's finger-tip--and so, + The deadliest maelstrom in the world!" + +It is a strange individuality that Mr. Riley has, suggesting numerous +other masters--whose influence he acknowledges in special odes--and yet +all digested and assimilated into a marked individuality of his own. He +has studied the English poets profoundly and improved himself upon them, +till one is chiefly impressed, in his non-dialectic verse, with his +refinement, subtlety, and ease. He has a large vocabulary, and his +felicity is at times startling. Thus he speaks of water "chuckling," +which is as good as Horace's ripples that "gnaw" the shore. Note the +mastery of such lines as + + "And the dust of the road is like velvet." + + "Nothin' but green woods and clear + Skies and unwrit poetry + By the acre!" + + "Then God smiled and it was morning!" + + Life is "A poor pale yesterday of Death." + + "And O I wanted so + To be felt sorry for!" + + "Always suddenly they are gone, + The friends we trusted and held secure." + + "At utter loaf." + + "Knee-deep in June." + +--But I can not go on quoting forever. + +Technically, Mr. Riley is a master of surpassing finish. His meters are +perfect and varied. They flow as smoothly as his own Indiana streams. +His rimes are almost never imperfect. To prove his own understanding he +has written one _scherzo_ in technic that is a delightful example of bad +rime, bad meter, and the other earmarks of the poor poet. It is "Ezra +House," and begins: + + "Come listen, good people, while a story I do tell + Of the sad fate of one I knew so passing well!" + +The "do" and the "so" are the unfailing index of crudity. Then we have +rimes like "long" and "along" (it is curious that modern English is the +only tongue that finds this repetition objectionable); "moon" and +"tomb," "well" and "hill," and "said" and "denied" are others, and the +whole thing is an enchanting lesson in How Poetry Should Not be Written. + +Mr. Riley is fond of dividing words at the ends of lines, but always in +a comic way, though Horace, you remember, was not unwilling to use it +seriously, as in his + + "----U- + Xorius amnis." + +Mr. Riley's animadversions on "Addeliney Bowersox" constitute a +fascinating study in this effect. He is also devoted to dividing an +adjective from its noun by a line-end. This is a trick of Poe's, whose +influence Mr. Riley has greatly profited by. In his dialect poetry Mr. +Riley gets just the effect of the jerky drawl of the Hoosier by using +the end of a line as a knife, thus: + + "The wood's + Green again, and sun feels good's + June!" + +His masterly use of the caesura is notable, too. See its charming +despotism in "Griggsby Station." + +But it is not his technic that makes him ambrosial, not the loving care +_ad unguem_ that smooths the uncouthest dialect into lilting tunefulness +without depriving it of its colloquial verisimilitude--it is none of +these things of mechanical inspiration, but the spirit of the man, his +democracy, his tenderness, the health and wealth of his sympathies. If +he uses "memory" a little too often as a vehicle for his rural pictures, +the utter charm of the pictures is atonement enough. He has caught the +real American. He is the laureate of the bliss of laziness. His child +poems are the next best thing to the child itself; they have all the +infectious essence of gayety, and all the _naivete_, and all the +knife-like appeal. It could not reasonably be demanded that his prose +should equal the perfection of his verse, but nothing more eerie has +ever been done than the little story, "Where is Mary Alice Smith?" with +its strange use of rime at the end. + +Of all dialect writers he has been the most versatile. Think of the +author of "The Raggedy Man" or "Orphant Annie" writing one of the finest +sonnets in the language! this one which I must quote here as a noble +ending to my halt praise: + + "Being his mother, when he goes away + I would not hold him overlong, and so + Sometimes my yielding sight of him grows O + So quick of tears, I joy he did not stay + To catch the faintest rumor of them! Nay, + Leave always his eyes clear and glad, although + Mine own, dear Lord, do fill to overflow; + + "Let his remembered features, as I pray, + Smile ever on me. Ah! what stress of love + Thou givest me to guard with Thee thiswise: + Its fullest speech ever to be denied + Mine own--being his mother! All thereof + Thou knowest only, looking from the skies + As when not Christ alone was crucified." + +Life is the more tolerable, the more full of learned sympathy, and +thereby of joy and value, for the very existence of such a man. + + + * * * * * + + +LIST OF MR. RILEY'S BOOKS. + +A CHILD WORLD. (NEW.) Tales in verse of childhood days. Cloth, 12mo, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. Hand-made Paper edition, bound uniform with +"Old Fashioned Roses," $2. + +NEGHBORLY POEMS, including "The Old Swimmin' Hole," by Benjamin F. +Johnson, of Boone (James Whitcomb Riley.) Cloth, illustrated, 12mo, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. + +SKETCHES IN PROSE, and Occasional Verses. Cloth, $1.25. Half calf, +$2.50. + +AFTERWHILES. Sixtieth thousand. With Portrait. Cloth, $1.25. Half calf, +$2.50. + +PIPES O' PAN AT ZEKESBURY. Five Sketches and fifty Poems. Cloth, $1.25. +Half calf, $2.50. + +RHYMES OF CHILDHOOD. Dialect and other Verses. With Portrait. Cloth, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. + +THE FLYING ISLANDS OF THE NIGHT. A Fantastic Drama in Verse. Cloth, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. + +GREEN FIELDS AND RUNNING BROOKS. Dialect and Serious Poems. With +Portrait. Cloth, Illustrated, $1.25. Half calf, $2.50. + +ARMAZINDY. Hoosier Harvest Airs, Feigned Forms, and Child Rhymes. Cloth, +$1.25. Half calf, $2.50. + +OLD FASHIONED ROSES. A selection of popular Poems, from Mr. Riley's +Works. Printed in England. 16mo, uncut, $1.75. + +AN OLD SWEETHEART OF MINE. Illustrated in colors. Oblong 4to, $2.50. + +A UNIFORM EDITION of Mr. Riley's Works in 9 volumes, 12mo, cloth, per +set, $11.25. Half calf, 9 volumes, 12mo, per set, $22.50. 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