diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 31717-0.txt | 7299 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 31717-0.zip | bin | 0 -> 148290 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 31717-8.txt | 7296 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 31717-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 147692 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 31717-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 158248 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 31717-h/31717-h.htm | 8728 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 31717.txt | 7296 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 31717.zip | bin | 0 -> 147668 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
11 files changed, 30635 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/31717-0.txt b/31717-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..08acd9b --- /dev/null +++ b/31717-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7299 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Witches of New York, by Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Witches of New York + +Author: Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +Release Date: March 21, 2010 [EBook #31717] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WITCHES OF NEW YORK *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Irma Spehar and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + THE + WITCHES OF NEW YORK, + + AS ENCOUNTERED BY + + Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P. B. + + NEW YORK: RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY. MDCCCLIX. + + + Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1858, by + RUDD & CARLETON, +In the Clerk’s Office of the District Court of the United States for + the Southern District of New York. + + + R. CRAIGHEAD, + Printer, Stereotyper, and Electrotyper, + Carton Building, + _81, 83, and 85 Centre Street_. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +What the Witches of New York City personally told me, Doesticks, +you will find written in this volume, without the slightest +exaggeration or perversion. I set out now with no intention of +misrepresenting anything that came under my observation in +collecting the material for this book, but with an honest desire +to tell the simple truth about the people I encountered, and the +prophecies I paid for. + +So far from desiring to do any injustice to the Fortune Tellers +of the Metropolis, I sincerely hope that my labors may avail +something towards making their true deservings more widely +appreciated, and their fitting reward more full and speedy. I am +satisfied that so soon as their character is better understood, +and certain peculiar features of their business more thoroughly +comprehended by the public, they will meet with more attention +from the dignitaries of the land than has ever before been +vouchsafed them. + +I thank the public for the flattering consideration paid to what +I have heretofore written, and respectfully submit that if they +would increase the obligation, perhaps the readiest way is to buy +and read the present volume. + + THE AUTHOR. + + _Sept. 20th, 1858._ + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +CHAPTER I. is simply Explanatory so far as regards the +book, but in it the author takes occasion to pay himself +several merited compliments on the score of honesty, ability, +&c., &c., &c. 15 + +CHAPTER II. is devoted to the glorification of Madame Prewster, +of No. 373 Bowery, the Pioneer Witch of New York. The “Individual” +also herein bears his testimony that she is oily and water-proof. 27 + +CHAPTER III. wherein are related divers strange things of +Madame Bruce, the “Mysterious Veiled Lady,” of No. 513 +Broome Street. 51 + +CHAPTER IV. Relates the marvellous performances of Madame +Widger, of No. 3 First Avenue, and how she looks into the +future through a paving-stone. 73 + +CHAPTER V. Discourses of Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First +Street, Williamsburgh, and tells what that Nursing Sorceress +communicated to the Cash Customer. 99 + +CHAPTER VI. in which are narrated the wonderful workings +of Madame Morrow, the “Astonisher,” of No. 76 Broome +Street, and how by a Crinolinic Stratagem the “Individual” +got a sight of his “Future Husband.” 123 + +CHAPTER VII. contains a full account of the interview of the Cash +Customer with Doctor Wilson, the Astrologer, of No. 172 Delancey +Street. The Fates decree that he shall “pizon his first wife.” +HOORAY! 147 + +CHAPTER VIII. gives a history of how Mrs. Hayes, the Clairvoyant, +of No. 176 Grand Street, does the Conjuring Trick. 169 + +CHAPTER IX. tells all about Mrs. Seymour, the Clairvoyant, +of No. 110 Spring Street, and what she had to say. 195 + +CHAPTER X. describes Madame Carzo, the “Brazilian Astrologist,” +and gives all the romantic adventures of the “Individual” +with the gay South American Maid. 215 + +CHAPTER XI. In which is set down the prophecy of Madame +Leander Lent, of No. 163 Mulberry Street; and how she +promised her customer numerous wives and children. 239 + +CHAPTER XII. Wherein are described all the particulars of a +visit to the “Gipsy Girl,” of No. 207 Third Avenue; with +an allusion to Gin, and other luxuries dear to the heart of +that beautiful Rover. 261 + +CHAPTER XIII. contains a true account of the Magic Establishment +of Mrs. Fleury, of No. 263 Broome Street; and also shows the +exact amount of Witchcraft that snuffy personage can afford for +one dollar. 281 + +CHAPTER XIV. describes an interview with the “Cullud” Seer Mr. +Grommer, of No. 34 North Second Street, Williamsburgh, and what +that respectable Whitewasher and Prophet told his visitor. 305 + +CHAPTER XV. How the Individual called on Madame Clifton +of No. 185 Orchard Street, and how that amiable and gifted +“Seventh daughter of a Seventh daughter,” prophesied his +speedy death and destruction—together with all about the +“Chinese Ruling Planet Charm.” 327 + +CHAPTER XVI. details the particulars of a morning call on +Madame Harris, and how she covered up her beautiful head +in a black bag. 353 + +CHAPTER XVII. Treats of the peculiarities of Several Witches +in a single batch. 371 + +CHAPTER XVIII. Conclusion. 395 + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +Which is simply explanatory, so far as regards the book, but in +which the author takes occasion to pay himself several merited +compliments, on the score of honesty, ability, etc. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +WHICH IS MERELY EXPLANATORY. + + +The first undertaking of the author of these pages will be to +convince his readers that he has not set about making a merely +funny book, and that the subject of which he writes is one that +challenges their serious and earnest attention. Whatever of +humorous description may be found in the succeeding chapters, is +that which grows legitimately out of certain features of the +theme; for there has been no overstrained effort to _make_ fun +where none naturally existed. + +The Witches of New York exert an influence too powerful and too +wide-spread to be treated with such light regard as has been too +long manifested by the community they have swindled for so many +years; and it is to be desired that the day may come when they +will be no longer classed with harmless mountebanks, but with +dangerous criminals. + +People, curious in advertisements, have often read the +“Astrological” announcements of the newspapers, and have turned +up their critical noses at the ungrammatical style thereof, and +indulged the while in a sort of innocent wonder as to whether +these transparent nets ever catch any gulls. These matter-of-fact +individuals have no doubt often queried in a vague, purposeless +way, if there really can be in enlightened New York any +considerable number of persons who have faith in charms and +love-powders, and who put their trust in the prophetic infallibility +of a pack of greasy playing-cards. It may open the eyes of these +innocent querists to the popularity of modern witchcraft to learn +that the nineteen she-prophets who advertise in the daily +journals of this city are visited every week by an average of +_sixteen hundred people_, or at the rate of more than a dozen +customers a day for each one; and of this immense number +probably two-thirds place implicit confidence in the miserable +stuff they hear and pay for. + +It is also true that although a part of these visitors are +ignorant servants, unfortunate girls of the town, or uneducated +overgrown boys, still there are among them not a few men engaged +in respectable and influential professions, and many merchants of +good credit and repute, who periodically consult these women, and +are actually governed by their advice in business affairs of +great moment. + +Carriages, attended by liveried servants, not unfrequently stop +at the nearest respectable corner adjoining the abode of a +notorious Fortune-Teller, while some richly-dressed but +closely-veiled woman stealthily glides into the habitation of the +Witch. Many ladies of wealth and social position, led by +curiosity, or other motives, enter these places for the purpose +of hearing their “fortunes told.” When these ladies are informed +of the true character of the houses they have thus entered, and +the real business of many of these women whose fortune-telling is +but a screen to intercept the public gaze from it, it is not +likely that any one of them will ever compromise her reputation +by another visit. + +People who do not know anything about the subject will perhaps be +surprised to hear that most of these humbug sorceresses are now, +or have been in more youthful and attractive days, women of the +town, and that several of their present dens are vile assignation +houses; and that a number of them are professed abortionists, who +do as much perhaps in the way of child-murder as others whose +names have been more prominently before the world; and they will +be astonished to learn that these chaste sibyls have an +understood partnership with the keepers of houses of +prostitution, and that the opportunities for a lucrative playing +into each other’s hands are constantly occurring. + +The most terrible truth connected with this whole subject is the +fact that the greater number of these female fortune-tellers are +but doing their allotted part in a scheme by which, in this city, +the wholesale seduction of ignorant, simple-hearted girls, in +the lower walks of life, has been thoroughly systematized. + +The fortune-teller is the only one of the organization whose +operations may be known to the public; the other workers—the +masculine go-betweens who lead the victims over the space +intervening between her house and those of deeper shame—are kept +out of sight and are unheard of. There is a straight path between +these two points which is travelled every year by hundreds of +betrayed young girls, who, but for the superstitious snares of +the one, would never know the horrible realities of the other. +The exact mode of proceeding adopted by these conspirators +against virtue, the details of their plans, the various +stratagems by which their victims are snared and led on to +certain ruin, are not fit subjects for the present chapter; but +any individual who is disposed to prosecute the inquiry for +himself will find in the various police records much matter for +his serious cogitation, and may there discover the exact +direction in which to continue his investigations with the +certainty of demonstrating these facts to his perfect satisfaction. + +A few months ago, at the suggestion of the editor of one of the +leading daily newspapers of America, a series of articles was +written about the fortune-tellers of New York city, and these +articles were in due time published in that journal, and +attracted no little attention from its readers. These chapters, +with such alterations as were requisite, and with many additions, +form the bulk of this present volume. + +The work has been conscientiously done. Every one of the +fortune-tellers described herein was personally visited by the +“Individual,” and the predictions were carefully noted down at +the time, word for word; the descriptions of the necromantic +ladies and their surroundings are accurate, and can be corroborated +by the hundreds who have gone over the same ground before and +since. They were treated in the most fair and frank manner; the +same data as to time and date of birth, age, nationality, etc., +were given in all cases, and the same questions were put to all, +so that the absurd differences in their statements and predictions +result from the unmitigated humbug of their pretended art, and +from no misinformation or misrepresentation on the part of the +seeker after mystic knowledge. + +This latter person was perfectly unknown to the worthy ladies of +the black art profession; he was to them simply an individual, +one of the many-headed public, a cash customer, who paid +liberally for all he required, and who, by reason of the dollars +he disbursed, was entitled to the very best witchcraft in the +market. + +And he got it. + +He undertook a few short journeys in search of the marvellous; he +went on a couple of dozen voyages of discovery without going out +of sight of home; he penetrated to the out-of-the-way regions, +where the two-and-sixpenny witches of our own time grow. He got +his fill of the cheap prophecy of the day, and procured of the +oracles in person their oracularest sayings, at the very highest +market price. For the business-like seers of this age are easily +moved to prophesy by the sight of current moneys of the land, no +matter who presents the same; whereas the oracles of the olden +time dealt only with kings and princes, and nothing less than the +affairs of an entire nation, or a whole territory, served to get +their slow prophetic apparatus into working trim. To the +necromancers of early days the anxieties of private individuals +were as naught, and from the shekels of humble life they turned +them contemptuously away. + +It is probably a thorough conviction of the necessity of eating +and drinking, and a constant contemplation from a Penitentiary +point of view of the consequences of so doing without paying +therefor, that induces our modern witches to charge a specific +sum for the exercise of their art, and to demand the inevitable +dollar in advance. + +Whatever there is of Sorcery, Astrology, Necromancy, Prophecy, +Fortune-telling, and the Black Art generally, practised at this +time by the professional Witches of New York, is here honestly +set down. + +Should any other individual become particularly interested in the +subject, and desire to go back of the present record and make his +exploration personally among the Fortune-tellers, he will find +their present addresses in the newspapers of the day, and can +easily verify what is herein written. + +With these remarks as to the intention of this book, the reader +is referred by the Cash Customer to the succeeding chapters for +further information. And the public will find in the advertisements, +appended to the name and number of each mysteriously gifted lady, +the pleasing assurance that she will be happy to see, not only +the Cash Customer of the present writing, but also any and all +other customers, equally cash, who are willing to pay the +customary cash tribute. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +Is devoted to the glorification of Madame Prewster of No. 373 +Bowery, the Pioneer Witch of New York. The “Individual” also +herein bears his testimony that she is oily and water-proof. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +MADAME PREWSTER, No. 373 BOWERY. + + +This woman is one of the most dangerous of all those in the city +who are engaged in the swindling trade of Fortune Telling, and +has been professionally known to the police and the public of New +York for about fourteen years. The amount of evil she has +accomplished in that time is incalculable, for she has been by no +means idle, nor has she confined her attention even to what +mischief she could work by the exercise of her pretended magic, +but if the authenticity of the records may be relied on, she has +borne a principal part in other illicit transactions of a much +more criminal nature. She has been engaged in the “Witch” +business in this city for more years than has any other one whose +name is now advertised to the public. + +If the history of her past life could be published, it would +astound even this community, which is not wont to be startled out +of its propriety by criminal development, for if justice were +done, Madame Prewster would be at this time serving the State in +the Penitentiary for her past misdoings; but, in some of these +affairs of hers, men of so much _respectability_ and political +influence have been implicated, that, having sure reliance on +their counsel and assistance, the Madame may be regarded as +secure from punishment, even should any of her many victims +choose to bring her into court. + +The quality of her Witchcraft, by which she ostensibly lives, and +the amount of faith to be reposed in her mystic predictions, may +be seen from the history of a visit to her domicile, which is +hereunto appended in the very words of the “Individual” who made +it. + + + The “Cash Customer” makes his first Voyage in a Shower, + but encounters an Oily and Waterproof Witch at the end + of his Journey. + +It rained, and it _meant_ to rain, and it set about it with a +will. + +It was as if some “Union Thunderstorm Company” was just then +paying its consolidated attention to the city and county of New +York; or, as if some enterprising Yankee of hydraulic tendencies, +had contracted for a second deluge and was hurrying up the job to +get his money; or, as if the clouds were working by the job; or, +as if the earth was receiving its rations of rain for the year in +a solid lump; or, as if the world had made a half-turn, leaving +in the clouds the ocean and rivers, and those auxiliaries to +navigation were scampering back to their beds as fast as +possible; or, as if there had been a scrub-race to the earth +between a score or more full-grown rain storms, and they were all +coming in together, neck-and-neck, at full speed. + +Despite the juiciness of these opening sentences, the +“Individual” does not propose to accompany the account of his +heroical setting-forth on his first witch-journey with any +inventory of natural scenery and phenomena, or with any +interesting remarks on the wind and weather. Those who have a +taste for that sort of thing will find in a modern circulating +library, elaborate accounts of enough “dew-spangled grass” to +make hay for an army of Nebuchadnezzars and a hundred troops of +horse—of “bright-eyed daisies” and “modest violets,” enough to +fence all creation with a parti-colored hedge—of “early larks” +and “sweet-singing nightingales,” enough to make musical pot-pies +and harmonious stews for twenty generations of Heliogabaluses; to +say nothing of the amount of twaddle we find in American +sensation books about “hawthorn hedges” and “heather bells,” and +similar transatlantic luxuries that don’t grow in America, and +never did. + +And then the sunrises we’re treated to, and the sunsets we’re +crammed with, and the “golden clouds,” the “grand old woods,” +the “distant dim blue mountains,” the “crystal lakes,” the +“limpid purling brooks,” the “green-carpeted meadows,” and the +whole similar lot of affected bosh, is enough to shake the faith +of a practical man in nature as a natural institution, and to +make him vote her an artificial humbug. + +So the voyager in pursuit of the marvellous, declines to state +how high the thermometer rose or fell in the sun or in the shade, +or whether the wind was east-by-north, or sou’-sou’-west by a +little sou’. + +The “dew on the grass” was not shining, for there was in his +vicinity no dew and no grass, nor anything resembling those rural +luxuries. Nor was it by any means at “early dawn;” on the +contrary, if there be such a commodity in a city as “dawn,” +either early or late, that article had been all disposed of +several hours in advance of the period at which this chapter +begins. + +But at midday he set forth alone to visit that prophetess of +renown, Madame Prewster. He was fully prepared to encounter +whatever of the diabolical machinery of the black art might be +put in operation to appal his unaccustomed soul. + +But as he set forth from the respectable domicile where he takes +his nightly roost, it rained, as aforementioned. The driving +drops had nearly drowned the sunshine, and through the sickly +light that still survived, everything looked dim and spectral. +Unearthly cars, drawn by ghostly horses, glided swiftly through +the mist, the intangible apparitions which occupied the drivers’ +usual stands hailing passengers with hollow voices, and +proffering, with impish finger and goblin wink, silent +invitations to ride. Fantastic dogs sneaked out of sight round +distant corners, or skulked miserably under phantom carts for an +imaginary shelter. The rain enveloped everything with a grey +veil, making all look unsubstantial and unreal; the human +unfortunates who were out in the storm appeared cloudy and +unsolid, as if each man had sent his shadow out to do his work +and kept his substance safe at home. + +The “Individual” travelled on foot, disdaining the miserable +compromise of an hour’s stew in a steaming car, or a prolonged +shower-bath in a leaky omnibus. Being of burly figure and +determined spirit, he walked, knowing that his “too-solid flesh” +would not be likely “to melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a +dew,” and firmly believing that he was not born to be drowned. + +He carried no umbrella, preferring to stand up and fight it out +with the storm face to face, and because he detested a contemptible +sneaking subterfuge of an umbrella, pretending to keep him dry, +and all the time surreptitiously leaking small streams down the +back of his neck, and filling his pockets with indigo colored +puddles; and because, also, an umbrella would no more have +protected a man against that storm, than a gun-cotton overcoat +would have availed against the storm of fire that scorched old +Sodom. + +He placed his trust in a huge pair of water-proof boots, and a +felt hat that shed water like a duck. He thrust his arms up to +his elbows into the capacious pockets of his coat, drew his head +down into the turned-up collar of that said garment, like a +boy-bothered mud-turtle, and marched on. + +With bowed head, set teeth, and sturdy step, the cash customer +tramped along, astonishing the few pedestrians in the street by +the energy and emphasis of his remarks in cases of collision, and +attracting people to the windows to look at him as he splashed +his way up the street. He minded them no more than he did the +gentleman in the moon, but drove forward at his best speed, now +breaking his shins over a dry-goods box, then knocking his head +against a lamp-post; now getting a great punch in the stomach +from an unexpected umbrella, then involuntarily gauging the depth +of some unseen puddle, and then getting out of soundings +altogether in a muddy inland sea; now swept almost off his feet +by a sudden torrent of sufficient power to run a saw-mill, and +only recovering himself to find that he was wrecked on the +curbstone of some side street that he didn’t want to go to. At +length, after a host of mishaps, including some interesting but +unpleasant submarine explorations in an unusually large mud-hole +into which he fell full-length, he arrived, soaked and savage, at +the house of Madame Prewster. + +This elderly and interesting lady has long been an oily pilgrim +in this vale of tears. The oldest inhabitant cannot remember the +exact period when this truly great prophetess became a fixture in +Gotham, and began to earn her bread and butter by fortune-telling +and kindred occupations. Her unctuous countenance and pinguid +form are known to hundreds on whose visiting lists her name does +not conspicuously appear, and to whom, in the way of business, +she has made revelations which would astonish the unsuspecting +and unbelieving world. She is neither exclusive nor select in her +visitors. Whoever is willing to pay the price, in good money—a +point on which her regulations are stringent—may have the benefit +of her skill, as may be seen by her advertisement: + + “CARD.—Madame PREWSTER returns thanks to her friends + and patrons, and begs to say that, after the + thousands, both in this city and Philadelphia, who have + consulted her with entire satisfaction, she feels + confident that in the questions of astrology, love, and + law matters, and books or oracles, as relied on + constantly by Napoleon, she has no equal. She will tell + the name of the future husband, and also the name of + her visitors. No. 373 Bowery, between Fourth and Fifth + streets.” + +The undaunted seeker after mystic lore rang a peal on the +astonished door-bell that created an instantaneous confusion of +the startled inmates. There was a good deal of hustling about, +and running hither, thither, and to the other place, before any +one appeared; meantime, the dainty fingers of the damp customer +performed other little solos on the daubed and sticky bell-pull,—and +he also amused himself with inspection of, and comments on, the +German-silver plate on the narrow panel, which bore the name of +the illustrious female who occupied these domains. + +At last the door was opened by a greasy girl, and the visitor was +admitted to the hall, where he stood for a minute, like a +fresh-water merman, “all dripping from the recent flood.” + +The juvenile female who had admitted him thus far, evidently took +him for a disreputable character, and stood prepared to prevent +depredations. She planted herself firmly before him in the narrow +hall in an attitude of self-defence, and squaring off scientifically, +demanded his business. Astrology was mentioned, whereupon the +threatening fists were lowered, the saucy under-jaw was +retracted, and the general air of pugnacity was subdued into a +very suspicious demeanor, as if she thought he hadn’t any money, +and wanted to storm the castle under false pretences. She +informed him that before matters went any further, he must buy +tickets, which she was prepared to furnish, on receipt of a +dollar and a half; he paid the money, which transaction seemed to +raise him in her estimation to the level of a man who might +safely be trusted where there was nothing he could steal. One +fist she still kept loaded, ready to instantly repel any attack +which might be suddenly made by her designing enemy, the other +hand cautiously departed petticoatward, and after groping about +some time in a concealed pocket, produced from the mysterious +depth a card, too dirty for description, on which these words +were dimly visible: + + +----------------------------+ + | c N | + | e o | + | 5 n MADAME PREWSTER . | + | 0 t 411 GRAND STREET. | + | s 1 | + +----------------------------+ + +The belligerent girl then led the way through a narrow hall, up +two flights of stairs into a cold room, where she desired her +visitor to be seated. She then carefully locked one or two doors +leading into adjoining rooms, put the keys in her pocket, and +departed. Before her exit she made a sly demonstration with her +fists and feet, as if she was disposed to break the truce, +commence hostilities, and punch his unprotected head, without +regard to the laws of honorable warfare. She departed, however, +at last, without violence, though the voyager could hear her +pause on each landing, probably debating whether it wasn’t best +after all to go back and thrash him before the opportunity was +lost for ever. + +This grand reception-room was an apartment about six feet by +eight; it was uncarpeted, and was luxuriously furnished with six +wooden chairs, one stove, with no spark of fire, one feeble +table, one spittoon, and two coal-scuttles. + +The view from the window was picturesque to a degree, being made +up of cats, clothes-lines, chimneys, and crockery, and occasionally, +when the storm lifted, a low roof near by suggested stables. The +odor which filled the air had at least the merit of being +powerful, and those to whose noses it was grateful, could not +complain that they did not get enough of it. Description must +necessarily fall far short of the reality, but if the reader will +endeavor to imagine a couple of oil-mills, a Peck-slip ferry-boat, +a soap-and-candle manufactory, and three or four bone-boiling +establishments being simmered together over a slow fire in his +immediate vicinity, he may possibly arrive at a faint and distant +notion of the greasy fragrance in which the abode of Madame +Prewster is immersed. + +For an hour and a half by the watch of the Cash Customer (which +being a cheap article, and being alike insensible to the voice of +reason and the persuasions of the watchmaker, would take its own +time to do its work, and the long hands of which generally +succeeded in getting once round the dial in about eighty minutes) +was this too damp individual incarcerated in the room by the +order of the implacable Madame Prewster. + +He would long before the end of that time have forfeited his +dollar and a half and beaten an inglorious retreat, but that he +feared an ambuscade and a pitching-into at the fair hands of the +warlike servant. + +Finally, this last-named individual came to the rescue, and +conducted him by a circuitous route, and with half-suppressed +demonstrations of animosity, to the basement. This room was +evidently the kitchen, and was fitted up with the customary iron +and brazen apparatus. + +A feeble child, just old enough to run alone, had constructed a +child’s paradise in the lee of the cooking-stove, and was seated +on a dinner-pot, with one foot in a saucepan; it had been playing +on the wash-boiler like a drum, but was now engaged in decorating +some loaves of unbaked bread with bits of charcoal and splinters +from the broom. + +The fighting servant retreated to the far end of the apartment, +where she began to wash dishes with vindictive earnestness, +stopping at short intervals to wave her dish-cloth savagely as a +challenge to instant single combat. There was nothing visible +that savored of astrology or magic, unless some tin candlesticks +with battered rims could be cabalistically construed. + +Madame Prewster, the renowned, sat majestically in a Windsor +rocking-chair, extra size, with a large pillow comfortably tucked +in behind her illustrious and rheumatic back. Her prophetic feet +rested on a wooden stool; her oracular neck was bound with a +bright-colored shawl; her necromantic locomotive apparatus was +incased in a great number of predictive petticoats, and her +whole aspect was portentous. She is a woman who may be of any age +from 45 to 120, for her face is so oily that wrinkles won’t stay +in it; they slip out and leave no trace. She is an unctuous +woman, with plenty of material in her—enough, in fact, for two or +three. She is adipose to a degree that makes her circumference +problematical, and her weight a mere matter of conjecture. +Moreover, one instantly feels that she is thoroughly water-proof, +and is certain that if she could be induced to shed tears, she +would weep lard oil. + +Grim, grizzled, and stony-eyed, is this juicy old Sibyl; and she +glared fearfully on the hero with her fishy optics, until he +wished he hadn’t done anything. + +She was evidently just out of bed, although it was long past +noon, and when she yawned, which she did seven times a minute on +a low average, the effect was gloomy and cavernous, and the timid +delegate in search of the mysterious trembled in his boots. + +At last, he with uncovered head and timid demeanor presented his +card entitling him to twelve shillings’ worth of witchcraft, and +made an humble request to have it honored. He had previously, +while pretending to warm himself at the stove, been occupied in +making horrible grimaces at the baby, and then sketching it in +his hat as it disfigured its own face by frantic screams; and he +also took a quiet revenge on the pugnacious servant by making a +picture of her in a fighting attitude, with one eye bunged and +her jaw knocked round to her left ear. + +When the ponderous Witch had got all ready for business, and had +taken a very long greasy stare at her customer, as if she was +making up her mind what sort of a customer on the whole he might +be, she determined to begin her mighty magic. So she took up the +cards, which were almost as greasy as she herself, and prepared +for business, previously giving one most tremendous yawn, which +opened her sacred jaws so wide that only a very narrow isthmus of +hair behind her ears connected the top of her respected head with +the back of her venerated neck. + +She then presented the cards for her customer to cut, and when he +had accomplished that feat, which he did in some perturbation, +she ran them carelessly over between her fingers, and began to +speak very slowly, and without much thought of what she was +about, as if it was a lesson she had learned by heart. + +Each word slipped smoothly out from her fat lips as if it had +been anointed with some patent lubricator, and her speech was as +follows:— + +“You have seen much trouble, some of it in business, and some of +it in love, but there are brighter days in store for you before +long—you face up a letter—you face up love—you face up +marriage—you face up a light-haired woman, with dark eyes, you +think a great deal of her, and she thinks a great deal of you; +but then she faces up a dark complexioned man, which is bad for +you—you must take care and look out for him, for he is trying to +injure you—she likes you the best, but you must look out for the +man—you face up better luck in business, you face a change in +your business, but be careful, or it will not bring you much +money—you do not face up a great deal of money.” + +(Here followed a huge yawn which again nearly left the top of her +head an island.) Then she resumed, “If you will tell me the +number of letters in the lady’s name, I will tell you what her +name is.” + +This demand was unexpected, but her cool and collected customer +replied at random, “Four.” The she-Falstaff then referred to a +book wherein was written a long list of names, of varying lengths +from one syllable to six, and selecting the names with four +letters, began to ask. + +“Is it Emma?” “No.” “Anna?” “No.” “Ella?” “No?” “Jane?” “No.” +“Etta?” “No.” “Lucy?” “No.” “Cora?” “No.” At last, finding that +she would run through all the four-letter names in the language, +and that he must eventually say something, he agreed to let his +“true love’s” name be Mary. Then she continued her remarks: “You +face up Mary, you love Mary; Mary is a good girl. You will marry +Mary at last; but Mary is not now here—Mary is far away; but do +not fear, for you shall have Mary.” + +Then she proposed to tell the name of our reporter in the same +mysterious manner, and on being told that it contains eight +letters, the first of which is “M,” she turned to her register +and again began to read. It so happens that the proper names +answering to the description are very few, and the right one did +not happen to be on her list; so in a short time the greasy +prophetess became confused, and slipped off the track entirely, +and after asking about two hundred names of various dimensions, +from Mark to Melchisedek, she gave it up in despair and glared on +her twelve-shilling patron as if she thought he was trifling with +her, and she would like to eat him up alive for his presumption. + +Then she suddenly changed her mode of operation and made the +fearful remark: “Now you may wish three wishes, and I will tell +whether you will get them or not.” + +She then laid out the cards into three piles, and her visitor +stated his wishes aloud, and received the gratifying information +in three instalments, that he would live to be rich, to marry the +light-haired maiden, and to effectually smash the dark-complexioned man. + +Then she said: “You may now wish one wish in secret, and I will +tell you whether you will get it.” Our avaricious hero instantly +wished for an enormous amount of ready money, which she kindly +promised, but which he has not yet seen the color of. + +He asked about his prospective wives and children, with +unsatisfactory results. One wife and four children was, she said, +the outside limit. At this juncture she began to wriggle uneasily +in her chair, and her considerate patron respected her “rheumatics” +and took his leave. This conference, although the results may be +read by a glib-tongued person in five minutes, occupied more than +three-quarters of an hour—Madame Prewster’s diction being slow +and ponderous in proportion to her size. + +He now prepared to depart, and with a parting contortion of his +countenance, of terrible malignity, at the unfortunate baby, +which caused that weird brat to fling itself flat on its back and +scream in agony of fear, he informed the Madame with mock +deference that he would not wait any longer. He was then attended +to the door by the bellicose maiden, who seemed to have fathomed +his deep dealings with the infuriate infant, and to be desirous +of giving him bloody battle in the hall, but as he had remarked +that she had a rolling-pin hidden under her apron, and as he was +somewhat awed by the sanguinary look of her dish-cloth, he choked +down his blood-thirstiness and ingloriously retreated. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +Wherein are related divers strange things of Madame Bruce, the +“Mysterious Veiled Lady,” of No. 513 Broome Street. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +MADAME BRUCE, “THE MYSTERIOUS VEILED LADY,” No. 513 BROOME +STREET. + + +The woman who assumes the title of “The Mysterious Veiled Lady,” +is much younger in the Black Art trade than Madame Prewster, and +has only been publicly known as a “Fortune-Teller” for about six +years. The mysterious veil is assumed partly for the very +mystery’s sake, and partly to hide a countenance which some of +her visitors might desire to identify on after occasions. She +confines herself more exclusively to telling fortunes than do +many of the others, and has never yet made her appearance in a +Police Court to answer to an accusation of a grave crime. She has +many customers, and might have a respectable account at the bank +if she were disposed to commit her moneys to the care of those +careful institutions. + +It may be mentioned here, however, as a curious fact, that +although all the “witches” profess to be able to “tell lucky +numbers,” and will at any time give a paying customer the exact +figures which they are willing to prophesy will draw the capital +prize in any given lottery, their skill invariably fails them +when they undertake to do anything in the wheel-of-fortune way on +their own individual behalf. No one of the professional +fortune-tellers was ever known to draw a rich prize in a lottery, +or to make a particularly lucky “hit” on a policy number, +notwithstanding the fact that most of them make large investments +in those uncertain financial speculations. Madame Bruce is no +exception to this general rule, and the propinquity of the +“lottery agency” and the “policy-shop,” just round the corner, +must be accepted in explanation of the fact that this gifted lady +has no balance in her favor at the banker’s. + +The quality of her magic and other interesting facts about her +are best set forth in the words of the anxious seeker after +hidden lore, who paid her a visit one pleasant afternoon in +August. + + + The “Individual” visits Madame Bruce and has a + Conference with that Mysterious Veiled Personage. + +A man of strong nerves can recover from the effects of a +professional interview with the ponderous Prewster in about a +week; delicately organized persons, particularly susceptible to +supernatural influences, might be so overpowered by the +manifestations of her cabalistic lore as to affect their +appetites for a whole lunar month, and have bad dreams till the +moon changed; but the daring traveller of this veracious history +was convalescent in ten days. It is true, that, even after that +time, he, in his dreams, would imagine himself engaged in +protracted single combats with the heroine of the rolling-pin, +and once or twice awoke in an agony of fear, under the impression +that he had been worsted in the fight, and that the conquering +fair one was about to cook him in a steamer, or stew him into +charity soup, and season him strong with red pepper; or broil him +on a gridiron and serve him up on toast to Madame Prewster, like +a huge woodcock. In one gastronomic nightmare of a dream he even +fancied that the triumphant maiden had tied him, hand and foot, +with links of sausages, then tapped his head with an auger, +screwed a brass faucet into his helpless skull, and was preparing +to draw off his brains in small quantities to suit cannibalic +retail customers. + +But he eventually recovered his equanimity, his nocturnal visions +of the warlike servant became less terrible, and he gradually +ceased to think of her, except with a dim sort of half-way +remembrance, as of some fearful danger, from which many years +before he had been miraculously preserved. + +When he had reached this state of mind, he was ready to proceed +with his inquiries into the mysteries of the cheap and nasty +necromancy of the day, and to encounter the rest of the +fifty-cent Sybils with an unperturbed spirit. Accordingly, he +girded up his loins, and prepared the necessary amount of one +dollar bills; for, with a most politic and necessary carefulness, +he always made his own change. + +[Note of caution to the future observer of these Modern Witches: +Never let one of them “break” a large bank-bill for you, and give +you small notes in exchange, lest the small bills be much more +badly broken than the large one. Not that the witches’ money, +like the fairies’ gold, will be likely to turn into chips and +pebbles in your pocket, but all these fortune-tellers are expert +passers of counterfeit and broken bank-notes and bogus coin; and +they never lose an opportunity thus to victimize a customer.] + +Fortified with dinner, dessert, and cigars, the cash customer +departed on his voyage of discovery in search of “MADAME BRUCE, +THE MYSTERIOUS VEILED LADY,” who carries on all the business she +can get by the subjoined advertisement: + + “ASTONISHING TO ALL.-Madame BRUCE, the Mysterious + Veiled Lady, can be consulted on all events of life, at + No. 513 Broome st., one door from Thompson. She is a + second-sight seer, and was born with a natural gift.” + +The “Individual,” modestly speaking of himself in the third +person, admits that, being then a single man of some respectability, +he was at that very period looking out for a profitable partner +of his bosom, sorrows, joys, and expenses. He naturally preferred +one who could do something towards taking a share of the +expensive responsibility of a family off his hands, and was not +disposed to object to one who was even afflicted with money;—next +to that woman, whom he had not yet discovered, a lady with a +“natural gift” for money-making was evidently the most eligible +of matrimonial speculations. Whether he really cherished an +humble hope that the veil of Madame Bruce might be of semi-transparent +stuff, and that she might discover and be smitten by his manly +charms, and ask his hand in marriage, and eventually bear him +away, a blushing husband, to the altar, or whatever might be +hastily substituted for that connubial convenience, will never be +officially known to the world. Certain it is that he expected +great results of some sort to eventuate from his visit to this +obnubilated prophetess, and that he paid extraordinary attention +to the decoration of the external homo, and to the administration +of encouraging stimuli to the inner individual, probably with a +view to submerge, for the time, his characteristic bashfulness, +before he set out to visit the fair inscrutable of Broome-street. + +The nature of his secret cogitations, as he walked along, was +somewhat as follows, though he himself has never before revealed +the same to mortal man. + +He was of course uncertain as to her personal attractiveness; +owing to that mysterious veil there was a doubt as to her +surpassing beauty. At any rate he did not regret the time spent +on his toilet. + +Madame Bruce might be a lady of the most transcendent loveliness, +or she might possess a countenance after the style of Mokanna, +the Veiled Prophet; in either case, a clean shirt collar and a +little extra polish on the boots would be a touching tribute of +respect. He thought over the stories of the Oriental ladies, so +charmingly and complexly described in the “Arabian Nights’ +Entertainments,” and in some strange way he connected Madame +Bruce with Eastern associations; he remembered that in Asiatic +countries the arts of enchantment are the staple of fashionable +female education; that the women imbibe the elements of magic +from their wet nurses, and that their power of charming is +gradually and surely developed by years and competent instructors, +until they are able to go forth into the world, and raise the +devil on their own hook. + +In this case the veil was of the East, Eastern; and what was more +probable than that the “Mysterious Veiled Lady” was that +fascinating Oriental young woman whose attainments in magic made +her the dire terror of her enemies, most of whom she changed into +pigs, and oxen, and monkeys, and other useful domestic animals; +who had transformed her unruly grandfather into a cat of the +species called Tom; had metamorphosed her vicious aunt into a +screech-owl, and had turned an ungentlemanly second-cousin into a +one-eyed donkey. + +What a treasure, thought the “Individual,” would such an +accomplished wife be in republican America,—how exceedingly +useful in the case of her husband’s rivals for Custom-house +honors, and how invaluable when creditors become clamorous. What +a perfect treasure would a wife be who could turn a clamorous +butcher into spring lamb, and his brown apron and leather +breeches into the indispensable peas and mint-sauce to eat him +with; who could make the rascally baker instantly become a green +parrot with only power to say, “Pretty Polly wants a cracker;” +who could transform the dunning tailor into a greater goose than +any in his own shop; who could go to Stewart’s, buy a couple of +thousands of dollars’ worth of goods, and then turn the clerks +into cockroaches, and scrunch them with her little gaiter if they +interfered with her walking off with the plunder; or who, in the +event of a scarcity of money, could invite a select party of +fifty or sixty friends to a nice little dinner, and then change +the whole lot into lions, tigers, giraffes, elephants, and +ostriches, and sell the entire batch to Van Amburgh & Co. at a +high premium, as a freshly imported menagerie, all very fat and +valuable. + +Then he came down from this rather elevated flight of fancy, and +filled away on another tack. Before he reached the house he had +fully made up his mind that Madame Bruce, the Mysterious Veiled +Lady, must be a stray Oriental Princess in reduced circumstances, +cruelly thrust from the paternal mansion by the infuriated +proprietor, her father, and compelled to seek her fortune in a +strange land. He had never seen a princess, and he resolved to +treat this one with all respect and loyal veneration; to do this, +if possible, without compromising his conscience as a republican +and a voter in the tenth ward,—but to do it at all hazards. + +The immense fortune which would undoubtedly be hers in the event +of the relenting of her brutal though opulent father, suggested +the feasibility of a future elopement, and a legal marriage, +according to the forms of any country that she preferred—he +couldn’t bethink him of a Persian justice of the peace, but he +did not despair of being able to manage it to her entire and +perfect satisfaction. + +Her undoubted great misfortunes had touched his tender heart. He +would see this suffering Princess—he would tender his sympathy +and offer his hand and the fortune he hoped she would be able to +make for him. If this was haughtily declined there would still +remain the poor privilege of buying a dose of magic, paying the +price in current money, and letting her make her own change. + +Having matured this disinterested resolve, he proceeded calmly on +his journey, wondering as he walked along, whether, in the event +of a gracious reception by his Princess, it would be more courtly +and correct to kneel on both knees, or to make an Oriental +cushion of his overcoat and sit down cross-legged on the floor. + +This knotty point was not settled to his entire satisfaction when +he reached that lovely portion of fairy-land near the angle of +Broome and Thompson streets. The Princess had taken up her +temporary residence in the tenant-house No. 513 Broome, which, +elegant mansion affords a refuge to about seventeen other +families, mostly Hibernian, without very high pretensions to +aristocracy. + +His ring at the door of the noble mansion was answered by a +grizzly woman speaking French very badly broken, in fact +irreparably fractured. This grizzly Gaul let him into the house, +heard his request to see Madame Bruce, and then she called to a +shock-headed boy who was looking over the bannisters, to come and +take the visitor in charge. + +Two minutes’ observation convinced the distinguished caller that +the servants of the Princess were not particular in the matter of +dirt. + +The walls were stained, discolored, and bedaubed, and the floor +had a sufficient thickness of soil for a vegetable garden; at one +end of the hall, indeed, an Irish woman was on her knees, making +experimental excavations, possibly with a view to planting early +lettuce and peppergrass. + +A glance at the shock-headed boy showed a peculiarity in his +visual organs; his eyes, which were black naturally, had +evidently suffered in some kind of a fisticuff demonstration, and +one of them still showed the marks; it was twice black, naturally +and artificially; it had a dual nigritude, and might, perhaps, be +called a double-barrelled black eye. This pleasant young man +conducted his visitor to the top of the first flight of stairs, +where he said, “Please stop here a minute,” and disappeared into +the Princess’s room, leaving her devoted slave alone in the hall +with two aged washtubs and a battered broom. There ensued an +immediate flurry in the rooms of the Princess, and the customer +thought of the forty black slaves, with jars of jewels on their +heads, who, in Oriental countries, are in the habit of receiving +princesses’ visitors with all the honors. He hardly thought to +see the forty black slaves, with the jars of gems, but rather +expected the shock-headed youth to presently reappear, with a mug +of rubies, or a kettle of sapphires and emeralds, and invite him +in courtly language to help himself to a few—or, that that active +young man would presently come out with an amethyst snuff-box +full of diamond-dust and ask him to take a pinch, and then +present him with that expensive article as a slight token of +respect from the Princess. + +“Not so, not so, my child.” + +The great shuffling and pitching about of things continued, as if +the furniture had been indulging in an extemporaneous jig, and +couldn’t stop on so short a notice, or else objected to any +interruption of the festivities. + +Finally the rattling of chairs and tables subsided into a calm, +and the boy reappeared. He came, however, without the tea-kettle +full of valuables, and minus even the snuff-box; he merely +remarked, with an insinuating wink of the lightest-colored eye, +“Please to walk this way.” + +It _did_ please his auditor to walk in the designated direction, +and he entered the room, when the eye spoke again to a very low +accompaniment of the voice, as if he was afraid he might damage +that organ by playing on it too loudly. + +The anxious visitor looked for the Princess, but not seeing her, +or the slaves with the pots of jewels, and observing, also, that +the chairs were not too luxuriously gorgeous for people to sit +on, he sat down. + +A single glance convinced him that the Princess could have had no +opportunity to carry off her jewels from her eastern home, or +that she must have spent the proceeds before she furnished her +present domicile. An iron bedstead, a small cooking-stove, four +chairs, and a table, on which the breakfast crockery stood +unwashed, was the amount of the furniture. A dirty slatternly +young woman of about twenty-three years, with filthy hands and +uncombed hair, and whose clothes looked as if they had been +tossed on with a pitchfork, seated herself in one of the chairs +and commenced conversation—not in Persian. It was one o’clock, +P.M., but she attempted an apology for the unmade bed, the +unswept room, the unwashed breakfast dishes, and the untidy +appearance of everything. Before she had concluded her fruitless +explanation, the boy with the variegated eye suddenly came from +a closet which the customer had not noticed and was unprepared +for, and said, in winning tones, “Please to walk in this room,” +which was done, with some fear and no little trembling, whereupon +the optical youth incontinently vanished. + +At last, then, the imaginative visitor stood in the presence of +royalty, and beheld the wronged Princess of his heart. He was +about to drop on his bended knees to pay his premeditated homage, +but a hurried glance at the floor showed that such a course of +proceeding would result in the ineffaceable soiling of his best +pantaloons; so he stood sturdily erect. + +Before he suffered his eyes to rest upon the peerless beauty who, +he was convinced, stood before him, he took a survey of the regal +apartment. + +An unpainted pine table stood in the corner, a gaudily colored +shade was at the window, and an iron single bedstead upon which +the clothes had been hastily “spread up,” and two chairs, on one +of which sat the enchantress, completed the list. + +The Princess was attired in deep black, and a thick black veil, +reaching from her head to her waist, entirely concealed her +features from the beholders who still devoutly believed in her +royal birth and cruel misfortunes—nor was this belief dissipated +until she spoke; but when she called “Pete” to the double-barrelled +youth with the eye, and gave him a “blowing up” in the most +emphatic kind of English for not bringing her pocket-handkerchief, +then the beautiful Princess of his imagination vanished into the +thinnest kind of air, and there remained only the unromantic +reality of a very vulgar woman, in a very dirty dress, and who +had a very bad cold in her head. There was still a hope that she +might be pretty, and her would-be admirer fervently trusted that +she might be compelled to lift her veil to blow her nose, but she +didn’t do it. Then he offered her his hand, not in marriage, but +for her to read his fortune in, and stood, no longer trembling +with expectation, but with stony indifference, for as he +approached her, a strong odor of an onion-laden breath from +beneath the veil, gave the death-blow to the fair creature of his +imagination, and convinced him that he had got the wrong —— +Princess by the fist. She looked at him closely for a couple of +minutes, and then spoke these words—the peculiar pronunciation +being probably induced by the cold in her head. + +“You are a badd who has saw a great beddy chadges add it seebs +here as if you was goidg to be bore settled in the future—it +seebs here like as if you had sobetibes in your life beed very +buch cast dowd, but it seebs here like as if you had always got +up agaid.—It seebs here like as if you had saw id your past life +sobe lady what you liked very buch add had beed disappointed—it +seebs here like as if there was two barriages for you, wud id a +very short tibe—wud lady seebs here to stadd very dear to you, +add you two bay be barried or you bay dot—if you are dot already +barried you will be very sood—it seebs here as if you woulddt +have a very large fabily—five childred will be all that you will +have—you will have a good deal of buddy (money) id your life—sobe +of your relatives what you dever have saw will sood die add leave +you sobe property—but you will dot be expectidg it add it seebs +here as if you would have trouble id getting it, for there will +sobe wud else try to get it away frob you—it seebs as if the lady +you will barry will dot be too dark cobplexiod, dor yet too +light—dot too tall, dor yet very short, dot too large, dor too +thid—she thidks a great deal of you, bore thad you do of her,—you +have already saw her id the course of your life, and she loves +you very buch. There are people about you id your busidess who +are dot so buch your friends as they preted to be—you are goidg +to bake sub chadge id your busidess, it will be a good thidg for +you add will cub out buch better thad you expect.” + +Here she stopped and intimated that she would answer any +questions that her customer desired to ask, and in reply to his +interrogatories the following important information was elicited: + +“You will be lodg lived, add you will have two wives, add will +live beddy years with your first wife.” + +The “Individual” proclaimed himself satisfied, and paid his +money, whereupon Madame Bruce instantly yelled “Pete,” when the +Eye-Boy reappeared to show the door, and the Cash Customer +departed, leaving the Mysterious Veiled Lady shivering on her +stool, and exceedingly desirous of an opportunity to use her +pocket-handkerchief. + +And this is all there was of the Persian Princess. As the seeker +after wisdom went away he made one single audible remark by way +of consoling himself for his crushed hopes and blighted anonymous +love. It was to this effect. “I believe she squints, and I _know_ +she’s got bad teeth.” + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +Relates the marvellous performances of Madame Widger, of No. 3, +First Avenue, and how she looks into the future through a +Paving-Stone. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +MADAME WIDGER, No. 3 FIRST AVENUE. + + +Madame Widger came from Albany to this city about four years ago, +and at once set up as an “Astrologer.” She has been a “witch” for +a great many years, and has, directly and indirectly, done about +as much mischief as it is possible for one person to accomplish +in the same length of time. She was a woman of great repute in +and about Albany, as a fortune-teller, and was supposed to be +conversant with practices more criminal. She at last became so +well known as a bad woman, that she found it advisable to leave +Albany, after she had settled certain lawsuits in which she had +become entangled. + +Among other speculations of hers, in that place, she once sued +the city to recover indemnifying moneys for certain imaginary +damages, alleged to have been done to her property by the +unbidden entrance of the river into her private apartments, +during one of the periodical inundations with which Albany is +favored. By the shrewd management of certain of her lawyer +friends with whom she had business dealings, she at last got a +judgment against the city, but, owing to some other awkward law +complications, it became expedient to change her place of +residence before she had collected her money, and the amount +remains unpaid to this day. + +She then came to this city, and set up in the Sorceress way, and, +by dint of advertising, she soon got a good many customers. She +now has as much to do as she can easily manage to get along with, +is making a good deal of money by “Astrology,” and by other more +unscrupulous means; and she is probably worth some considerable +property. She is a bold, brazen, ignorant, unscrupulous, +dangerous woman. She has some peculiar ways of her own in telling +the fortunes of her visitors, and is the only person in the city +who professes to read the future through a magic stone, or +“second-sight pebble.” Her manner of using this wonderful +geological specimen is fully described hereafter. + + + The “Individual” Visits a Grim Witch, who reads his + Future through a Moderate-Sized Paving-Stone. + +Disappointed in his fond hope of discovering, in the person of +Madame Bruce, an eligible partner, who should bridal him and lead +him coyly to the altar, that bourne from which no bachelor +returns, the Cash Customer was for many days downcast in his +demeanor and neglectful of his person. When he eventually +recovered from his strong attack of Madame Bruce, he was not by +any means cured of his romantic desire to procure a witch wife. +He had carefully figured up the conveniences of such an article, +and the sum total was an irresistible argument. + +If he could win a witch of the right sort, perhaps she could +teach him the secret of the Philosopher’s Stone, and the Elixir +of Life, and show him the locality of the Fountain of Youth, so +that he could take the wrinkles out of himself and his friends, +at the cost of only a short journey by rail-road. A barrel or so +of that wonderful water, peddled out by the bottle, would meet a +readier sale and pay a larger profit than any Paphian Lotion that +was ever advertised on the rocks of Jersey. All this, to say +nothing of a family of young wizards and sorcerers, who could, by +virtue of the maternal magic, swallow swords from the day of +their birth, do mighty feats of legerdemain, such as cutting off +the heads of innumerable pigs and chickens, and producing the +decapitated animals alive again from the coat-tails of the +bystanders, to the astonishment of the crowd and the great +emolument of their proud dad. Even if these profitable babies +should not be natural necromancers, with the power of second +sight, and any quantity of “natural gifts,” they must surely be +spirit-rappers of the most lucrative “sphere,” capable of +organizing “circles,” and instructing “mediums,” and otherwise +bringing into the family fund large piles of that circulating +medium so much to be desired. Or, even failing this popular +gift, they _must_ all be born with some strong instincts of +money-making vagabondism. If the girls failed in fortune-telling +they would certainly have a genius for the tight-rope, or a +decided talent for the female circus and negro-minstrel business; +and the boys would be brought into the world with the power of +throwing a miraculous number of consecutive flip-flaps—of putting +cocked hats on their juvenile heads while turning somersets over +long rows of Arab steeds of the desert—of poising their infant +bodies on pyramids of bottles, and drinking glasses of molasses +and water, under the contemptible subterfuge of wine, to the +health of the terror-stricken beholders—or of climbing to the +tops of very tall poles without soiling their spangled dresses, +and there displaying their anatomy for the admiration of the +gazing multitude, in divers attitudes, for the most part +extraordinarily wrong side up with very particular care—or, at +least, they would be born with the astounding gift of tying their +young legs in double bow-knots across the backs of their +adolescent necks, and while in that graceful position kissing +their little fingers to the bewildered audience. + +Under the constant influence of such comfortable and ennobling +thoughts, it is not in the elastic nature of the human mind to +remain long dejected. In the contemplation of the future glories +of his might-be wife and possible family, the “Individual” +recovered somewhat of his former gaiety. Remembering that “Care +killed a cat,” he resolved that he would not be chronicled as a +second victim, so he kicked Care out of doors, so to speak, and +warned Despair and Discouragement off the premises. + +He attired him in his best, and appeared once more before the +world in the joyful garb of a man with Hope in his heart and +money in his pantaloons. In fact, so radiant did he appear, that +he might have been set down for a person who had just had a new +main of joy laid on in his heart, and had turned the cocks of all +the pipes, and let on the full head just to see how the new +apparatus worked. Or, as if he’d been in a shower-bath of +good-nature, and come out dripping. + +He also took kindly to that innocuous beverage, lager bier, which +was a good sign in itself, inasmuch as he had, for a few days, +been drinking as many varieties of strong drinks, as if he’d been +brought up on Professor Anderson’s Inexhaustible Bottle, and had +never overcome the influences of his infant education. + +Seeking out a friend to whom he confided his hopes of a lucrative +wife and a profitable progeny, the Cash Customer suggested that +they proceed immediately in search of the fair enchantress who +was to be his comfort and consolation, for the rest of his +respectable life. + +Being somewhat disgusted with the result of his visit to the +witch with the romantic designation of the “Mysterious Veiled +Lady,” he had determined to seek out one on this occasion with +the most common-place and every-day cognomen, in the whole list. +There being a Madame Widger in that delightful catalogue, of +course Widger was the one selected. It is true, she sometimes +advertised herself as the “Mysterious Spanish Lady,” but in the +judgment of the Individual, the Widger was too much for the +Spanish and the mystery. + +So Madame Widger was resolved on. Her modest advertisement is +given, that the impartial reader may be brought to acknowledge +that the inducements to wed the Widger were not of the common +order. + + “MADAME WIDGER, the Natural-Gifted Astrologist, + Second-Sight Seer and Doctress, tells past, present, + and future events; love, courtship, marriage, absent + friends, sickness; prescribes medicines for all + diseases, property lost or stolen, at No. 3 First-av., + near Houston-st.” + +The slight lack of perspicuity in this announcement seems to be a +mysterious peculiarity, common to all the Fortune Tellers, as if +they were all imbued with the same commendable contempt for all +the rules of English grammar. + +The voyager being attired in a captivating costume, and being +also provided with pencils and paper to make a life-sketch, with +a view to an expansive portrait of his enslaver, whose beauty was +with him a foregone conclusion, set out with his faithful friend +for the delightful locality mentioned in the advertisement, where +the charming Circe, Widger, held her magic court. + +He was not aware, at that time, that his intended bride was not a +blushing blooming maiden, but an ancient dame, whose very +wrinkles date back into the eighteenth century. But of that +hereafter. + +He was determined to have her tell his “love, courtship, or +marriage, absent friends, or sickness,” and to insist that she +should “prescribe medicines for property lost or stolen,” +according to the exact wording of the advertisement. + +The doughty “Individual” trembled somewhat, with an undefined +sensation of awe, as though some fearful ordeal was before him—to +use his own elegant and forcible language, he felt as though he +was going to encounter an earthquake with volcano trimmings. + +“It is the fluttering of new-born love in your manly bosom,” +remarked his companion. + +“Well,” was the reply, “if a baby love kicks so very like a horse +of vicious propensities, a full-grown Cupid would be so +unmanageable as to defy the very Rarey and all his works.” + +Without any noteworthy adventure they kept on their way to the +First Avenue, and in due time stood, awe-struck, before the +mansion of the enchantress. + +After the first impression had worn off, the scene was somewhat +stripped of its mysteriousness, and assumed an aspect commonplace, +not to say seedy. As soon as the sense of bewilderment with which +they at first gazed upon the domicile of the mysterious damsel so +favored of the fates, had passed away, they found themselves in a +condition to make the observations of the place and its +surroundings that are detailed below. + +The house, a three-story brick, seemed to have that architectural +disease which is a perpetual epidemic among the tenant-houses of +the city, and which makes them look as if they had all been +dipped in a strong solution of something that had taken the skin +off. The paint was blistered and peeling off in flakes; the +blinds were hanging cornerwise by solitary hinges; the shingles +were starting from their places with a strange air of disquietude, +as if some mighty hand had stroked them the wrong way; the +door-steps were shaky and crazy in the knees; the door itself had +a curious air of debility and emaciation, and the bell-knob was +too weak to return to its place after it had feebly done its +brazen duty. There was no door-plate, but on a battered tin sign +was blazoned, in fat letters, the mystic word “Widger.” The Cash +Customer rang the bell, not once merely, or twice, but continuously, +in pursuance of a dogma which he laid down as follows: + +“It is a mistake to ever stop ringing till somebody comes. The +feebler you ring, the more the servants think you’re a dun, and +therefore the more they don’t come to let you in—but if you keep +it up regularly they’ll think you’re a rich relation and will +rush to the rescue.” + +So he kept on, and the voice of the bell sharply clattered +through the dismal old house, making as much noise as if it +suddenly wakened a thousand echoes that had been locked up there +for many years without the power to speak till now. If a timid +ring denotes a dun, and a boisterous one a rich relation, then +must the inhabitants of that cleanly suburb have been convinced +that the present performer on the bell not only had no claims as +a creditor on the people of the house, but was a rich California +uncle, come to give each adult member of that happy family a gold +mine or so, and to distribute a cart-load of diamonds among the +children. + +The door at last was opened by an uncertain old man with very +weak eyes, who appeared to have, in a milder form, the same +malady which afflicted the house; perhaps he was a twin, and +suffered from brotherly sympathy—at any rate the dilapidating +disease had touched him sorely; its ravages were particularly +noticeable in the toes of his boots and the elbows of his coat. +Violent remedies had evidently been applied in the latter case, +but the patches were of different colors, and suggestive of the +rag-bag; the boots were past hope of convalescence; his +shirt-collar was sunk under a greasy billow of a neckcloth, and +only one slender string was visible to show where it had gone +down; the nether garment was a ragged wreck, that set a hundred +tattered sails to every breeze, but was anchored fast at the +shoulder with a single disreputable suspender. + +Guided by this equivocal individual the two visitors entered a +small shabbily furnished room, and bestowed themselves in a +couple of treacherous chairs, in pursuance of an imbecile +invitation from the battered old gentleman. + +The anticipations of the enthusiastic lover again began to fall, +and in five minutes his heart, which so lately was “burning with +high hope,” was so cold as to be uncomfortable. + +On a seven-by-nine cooking-stove, which three pints of coal would +have driven blazing crazy, stood a diminutive iron kettle, in +which something was noisily stewing; the something may have been +a decoction of magic herbs, or it may have been Madame Widger’s +dinner. A tumble-down trunk in a corner of the room did +precarious duty for a chair; a faded carpet hid the floor; a +cheap rocking-chair in the act of moulting its upholstery spread +its luxurious arms invitingly near the dim window; and a table, +on which a pack of German playing cards was coyly half concealed +by a newspaper, a coal-hod, and a poker, completed the necessary +furnishing of the apartment. + +The ornaments are soon inventoried; a certificate of membership +of the New York State Agricultural Society, given at Albany to +Mr. M. G. Bivins, hung in a cheap frame over the table. The other +decorations were a few prints of high-colored saints, an +engraving of a purple Virgin Mary with a pea-green child, and a +picture of a blue Joseph being sold by yellow brethren to a crowd +of scarlet merchants who were paying for him with money that +looked like peppermint lozenges. + +Madame Widger, the “Mysterious Spanish Lady,” was not at first +visible to the naked eye, but a loud, shrill, vicious voice, +which made itself heard through the partition dividing the +reception-room from some apartment as yet unexplored by them, +directed the attention of her visitors to her exact locality. + +She was “engaged” with another gentleman, said the knight of the +ragged inexpressibles. + +Had not what he had already seen of the mansion decidedly cooled +the passion of the love-lorn customer, this intelligence would +have been likely to rouse his ire against the interloping swain, +and make him pant for vengeance and fistic damages to the other +party; but in his present confused state of mind he received this +blow with philosophic indifference. + +The old man subsided into a chair, and in a weak sort of way +began to talk, evidently with some insane idea of pleasingly +filling up the time until the prophetess should be disengaged. +His conversation seemed to run to disasters, with a particular +partiality to shipwrecks. He accordingly detailed, with wonderful +exactness, the perils encountered by a certain canal-boat of +his, “loaded principally with butter and cheese,” during a +dangerous voyage from Albany to New York, and which was finally +brought safely to a secure harbor by the power of the Widger, +which circumstance had made him her slave for life. + +The shrill voice then ceased, and the person to whom it had been +addressed came forth. The lime on his blue jean garments, and the +cloudy appearance of his boots, declared him to be something in +the mason line. He deported himself with becoming reverence, and +departed in apparent awe. He did not look like a dangerous rival, +and he was not molested. + +A discreditable and disordered head now thrust itself out of the +mysterious closet, opened its mouth, and the vicious voice said: +“I will see you now, sir.” The sighing swain, with a fluttering +heart and unsteady steps, summoned his courage and entered the +place, to him as mysterious as was Bluebeard’s golden-keyed +closet to his ninth wife. The first glance at Madame Widger at +once scattered again all his dreams of love and of happiness +with that potent and fearful female. + +He encountered a cadaverous bony-looking woman, very tall, very +old, though with hair still black; with grey eyes, and false +gleaming teeth. She was attired in calico; quality, ten cents a +yard; appearance, dirty. Hardly was the door closed, when the +vicious voice spitefully remarked, “Sit down, sir;” and a skinny +finger pointed to a cane-bottomed chair. While seating himself +and taking off his gloves, he took an observation. + +The apartment was not large; in an unfurnished state, a +moderately-hooped belle might have stood in it without serious +damage to her outskirts, but there would be little extra room for +any enterprising adventurer to circumnavigate her. In one corner +was a small pine light-stand, on which was a sceptical looking +Bible, with a very black brass key tied in it; a volume of Cowper +bound in full calf; a little lamp with a single lighted wick, and +a pile of the Madame’s business hand-bills. + +She at once showed her experience of human nature and her distrust +of her present visitor by her practical and matter-of-fact conduct. + +She sat uncomfortably down on the very edge of an angular chair, +folded her hands, shut herself half up like a jack-knife, and the +vicious voice mentioned this fearful fact: “My terms are a dollar +for gentlemen;” and the grey eyes stonily stared until the dollar +aforesaid was produced. + +The voice then prepared for business by sundry “Ahems!” and when +fairly in working order it proceeded: “Give me your hand—your +_left_ hand.” + +The Widger took the extended palm in her shrivelled fingers and +made four rapid dabs in the middle of it with the forefinger of +her other hand, as if she were scornfully pointing out defects in +its workmanship; then she opened the drawer of the little stand +with a spiteful jerk, and withdrew thence something which she put +to her sinister optic, and began rapidly screwing it round with +both hands, as if she had got water on the brain and was trying +to tap herself in the eye. + +Then the vicious voice began, in a loud mechanical manner, to +speak with the greatest volubility, running the sentences +together, and not thinking of a comma or a period till her breath +was exhausted, in a manner that would have fairly distanced Susan +Nipper herself, even if that rapid young lady had twenty seconds +the start. + +“I see by looking in this stone that you was born under two +planets one is the planet Mars you will die under the planet +Jupiter but it won’t be this year or next you have seen a great +deal of trouble and misfortune in your past life but better days +are surely in store for you you have passed through many things +which if written in a book would make a most interesting volume I +see by looking more closely in the stone that you are about to +receive two letters one a business letter the other a let—” + +Here her breath failed, and as soon as it came back the voice +continued— + +“ter from a friend it is written very closely and is crossed I +see by looking more closely in the stone that one of the letters +will contain news which will distress you exceedingly for a +little while but you need not be troubled for it will all be for +your good you are soon to have an interview with a man of light +hair and blue eyes who will profess great interest in you but he +will get the advantage of you if he can you must beware of him I +see by looking more closely in the stone that you will live to be +68 years old but you will die before you are 70.” Here was +another station where the locomotive voice stopped to take in +air, and then instantly dashed ahead at a greater speed than +ever. “I see by looking more closely in the stone that good luck +will befall you a near friend will die and leave you a fortune I +see by looking more closely in the stone that this will happen to +you when you are between 32 and 34 years old that is all I see in +this stone.” + +Another grab brought from the little drawer another pebble, +which the Madame placed at her eye, the boring operation was +recommenced, and the vicious voice once more got up steam. + +“I see by looking closely in this stone that you will have two +wives one will be blue-eyed and the other will be black-eyed with +the first one you will not live long but with the last one you +will be happy many years I see by looking more closely in the +stone that you will have six children which will be very +comfortable the lady who is to be your first wife is at this +moment thinking of you I see by looking more closely in the stone +that a man with light hair and blue eyes is trying to get her +away from you but she scorns him and turns away I see by looking +more closely in the stone that she has a strong feeling for you +you need not fear the man with light hair and blue eyes for you +will get her you and you only will possess her heart I see by +looking more closely in the stone that she is good gentle kind +loving affectionate true-hearted and pleasant.” + +(The vicious voice resented each one of these good-natured +adjectives, as if it had been a gross personal insult to the +Widger, and spit them spitefully at her trembling customer, as if +they tasted badly in her mouth.) + +“and will make you a good wife; you will be rich and happy you +will be successful in business you will be hereafter always lucky +you will be distinguished you will be eminent you will be good +you will be respected you will be beloved honored cherished and +will reach a good old age I see by looking in this stone—that is +all I see by looking in this stone.” + +Here she ceased, and choking down her indignation, which had +risen to a fearful pitch during the complimentary peroration, she +said, taking up the equivocal Bible with the key tied in it, +“Take hold of the key with your finger, I will give you one wish, +if the book turns round you will have your wish.” The guest took +the key in the required manner, and the Widger closed her eyes +and muttered something which may have been either a prayer or a +recipe for pickling red cabbage, for he was unable to satisfy +himself with any degree of certainty what it was; at the +appointed time the book turned and the wish was therefore +graciously granted. + +Her hearer smiled his grimmest smile, and ventured to inquire if +his unknown rival was making any progress in securing the +affections of the lady in dispute, and received the satisfying +answer, “She scorns him and turns away.” Reassured by this, the +susceptible individual mentally and fiercely defied the blue-eyed +intruder to do his worst, and with a reverential obeisance left +the presence. As he departed, the skinny hand presented him with +a handbill, but the vicious voice was silent. + +Carefully conning the handbill as they slowly departed from the +august realm of the Madame, the seekers of magic for the lowest +cash price read the following particulars: + + “Madame Widger was born with this wonderful gift of + revealing the destinies of man, and she has revealed + mysteries that no mortal knew. She states that she + advertises nothing but what she can do with entire + satisfaction to all who wish to consult her. + + “Also, she will scan aright, + Dreams and visions of the night.” + +The tender inquirer went away in a desponding mood. The Widger +was out of the question as a bride, “for she was old enough,” he +said, “to have been grandmother to his father’s uncle.” + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +Discourses of Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First Street, +Williamsburgh, and tells all that Nursing Sorceress communicated +to her Cash Customer. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +MRS. PUGH, No. 102 SOUTH FIRST STREET, WILLIAMSBURGH. + + +It is travelling a little away from home to go to Williamsburgh +in search of a witch, but there are some peculiar circumstances +about the present case, that give it more than common interest. +Mrs. Pugh is not an _advertising_ sorceress, but practises all +her magic slily, and generally under a promise of secresy, which +is exacted lest the fame of her fortune-telling should come to +the ears of certain respectable families, who employ her as a +nurse. She is much resorted to by a number of young persons of +both sexes, and has considerable notoriety among the low and +ignorant classes as a practiser of the black art. She is by no +means the only “nurse” who is given to this reprehensible +practice, but very many of the old women who officiate as +professional nurses are proficients in telling fortunes with +cards, and with the Bible and key, and are always glad of an +opportunity to exhibit their pretended skill. Being at times +received into families where there are daughters, not grown up, +they become most dangerous persons if they are encouraged or +permitted to thus practise on the credulity of these young girls. + +The mere encouragement of hurtful superstitious notions is a +great ill in itself, but is by no means the extent of the evil +done by some of these persons. They not unfrequently take an +active part in bringing about meetings between unsuspecting girls +and evil-disposed men, thus paving the way to the wretchedness +and ruin of the former. More than one instance is known, where +the going astray of a loved daughter can be traced directly to +the mischievous teachings of a fortune-telling nurse. + +These are the reasons that give the case of Mrs. Pugh an +importance greater than attaches to many others. + +It is right that people should know that a certain degree of +circumspection ought to be used, with regard to moral character, +as well as other qualifications, in the selection of a nurse, +lest a person be employed who will work irreparable mischief +among the younger members of the family. + + + The Individual calls on a Nursing Sorceress. + +Who shall say that broomstick locomotion is a lost art, and that +steam has superseded magic in the matter of travelling? Because +no one of us has ever encountered a witch on her basswood steed, +shall we presume to assert that witches no longer bestride +basswood steeds and make their nocturnal excursions to blasted +heaths, there to meet the devil in the social midnight orgie, and +kick up their withered heels in the gay diabolical dance with +other ancient females of like kidney with themselves? Because no +one of us has ever beheld with his own personal optics, an old +woman change herself into a black cat, shall we therefore assert +that the ancient dames of our own day are unable to accomplish +that feline transformation? “Not by no manner of means +whatsomdever,” as Mr. Weller would remark. + +Let us not then be found without charity for the peculiar and +persistent faith of the hero of this book, who, though thrice +bitterly disappointed in his matrimonial speculations among the +witches, still clung to the fond belief that a bride with +supernatural powers of doing things would be a splendid +speculation, and that such a spouse could be found if he, her +ardent lover, did not give up the chase too soon. Spite of his +disappointment with Madame Bruce, and his crushing discomfiture +with Madame Widger, Hope still sprang eternal in the “Individual’s” +breast, and he felt, like the immortal Mr. Brown of classic +verse, that it would “never do to give it up so.” + +He had something of a natural turn for mechanics, and having been +of late engaged in some entertaining speculations on steam +engines, he came not unnaturally to think of the wonderful +advantage the magically-endowed people of old had over the +present age in the matter of locomotion. He thought of that +wonderful carpet on which a jolly little party had but to seat +themselves and wish to be transported to any far-off spot, and +presto! change! there they were instanter. No collisions to be +feared; no running off the track at a speed of ever-so-many +unaccountable miles an hour; no cast-iron-voiced conductor at +short intervals demanding tickets; no old women with sour babies; +no obtrusive boys with double-priced books and magazines; no +other boys with peanuts, apples, and pop-corn; nothing, in fact, +save one’s own social circle but a civil genie, not of Irish +extraction, to fly alongside to mix the juleps and carry the +morning paper. + +It was very natural to consider whether there wasn’t a yard or +two left somewhere of that valuable carpet, and to regret that on +the whole probably the original owners had occasion to use the +entire piece. + +Then the thought was very naturally suggested of the marvellous +wooden horse with the pegs in his neck, who soared with his +riders a great deal higher than does Mr. Wise in his clumsy +balloon, and always came down a great deal easier than ever Mr. +Wise did yet. Of course the Cash Customer was from the start +perfectly convinced that _that_ breed of horses is long since +extinct, so long ago that no record of them is now to be found in +either the “American Racing Calendar,” or the “English Stud +Book.” + +Then very naturally came thoughts of the broomstick changes of +the more modern witches. Perhaps, he thought, these are the colts +of the wooden horse, degenerate, it is true, and lacking in the +grace and symmetry of their extraordinary sire, but still perhaps +not inferior in speed or in safety of carriage. + +The thought was a brilliant one, and it was really worth while to +inquire into the matter and pursue this phantom steed until he +was fairly hunted down and bridled ready for use. + +It needed no long cogitation or extended argument to convince +Johannes, the “Individual,” the Cash Customer, of the immense +practical value of such a steed, to say nothing of his costing +nothing to keep, and of its therefore being utterly impossible +for him to “eat his own head off,” and of his never growing old, +and of his never having any of the multitudinous diseases that +afflict ordinary horses without any intermixture of magic blood, +and therefore of it being out of the question for anybody to +cheat his owner in a horse-trade. + +Why, only think of his value for livery purposes in case his +happy proprietor was disposed to let other folks use him for a +proper compensation. He could of course be trained to carry +double, and no doubt Mr. Rarey, or some other person potent in +horse education, could easily break him to go in harness. + +It wasn’t likely, Johannes cogitated, that the judges would allow +him to enter his ligneous racer at the Fashion Course, so that +he’d not get a chance to win any money from Lancet and Flora +Temple, still there was a hope, even on that point. + +So, in search of the witch wife, whose dower should be the +broomstick horse, that should set the fond couple up in business, +started the sanguine lover. + +Having had some experience of New York fortune-tellers and others +in the magic line, and not thinking they were of the sort likely +to have so great a treasure, he started for the suburbs, and +crossed the ferry to Williamsburgh, in order to pay a visit of +inquiry, and if possible to take the initiatory step in courting +Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First Street, in that city. + +He designed, of course, to buy a “fortune” at a liberal price, +for the purpose of setting the lady in good-humor as a necessary +preliminary step. He really had hopes that she would prove to be +of a slightly different style from some of the New York +fortune-tellers, who seem to have mistaken their profession and +to be hardly up to reading the stars with success, although they +might be fully equal to all the financial exigencies of an apple +and peanut stand, or might win an honorable distinction crying +“radishes and lettuce” in the early morning hours; or upon trial, +might, perhaps, evince a decided genius for the rag-picking +business, or preside over the fortunes of a soap-fat cart with +distinguished ability. + +Threading the winding ways of Williamsburgh is by no means an +easy task for one unaccustomed, and it was only by incessantly +stopping the passers-by and making the most minute inquiries that +this lady was ever achieved at all. + +This constant questioning of the public revealed, however, the +fact that Mrs. Pugh does not by any means depend upon her +fortune-telling for her bread-and-butter; she is a nurse, as many +a Williamsburgh baby could testify if it could command its +emotions long enough to speak. What will be the influence of her +supernaturalism and witchcraft upon the children intrusted to her +fostering care—whether they will in after life prove to be +devils, demi-gods, heroes, or mere ordinary “humans,” time alone +can show. This illustrious lady does not advertise in the +newspapers; in fact, her fortune-telling is done on the sly, as +if she were yet an apprentice, and a little ashamed of her +bungling jobs, for which, by the way, she only charges half +price. She is in a very undecided state, and evidently undetermined +whether her proper vocation is tending babies or revealing the +decrees of the fates at twenty-five cents a head, and when her +visitors made their appearance she was puzzled to know whether +their business was baby or black art. + +Her exertions in either profession have not as yet gained her a +very large fortune, judging from the surroundings of her eligible +residence. + +The domicile of this chrysalis enchantress is a low frame house +of two stories, standing back from the street, directly in the +rear of another row of more pretentious mansions, as if it had +been sent into the back yard in disgrace and never permitted to +show itself in good society again. It seems conscious of its +humiliation, and wears an air of architectural dejection that is +quite touching. A troop of dirty-faced children was in the yard, +and in the corner was a pile of other household incumbrances, +consisting principally of mops and washtubs. + +Johannes critically examined this interesting collection, but the +wished-for broomstick was not there. A modest rap brought to the +door a large ill-favored man with a red nose and a ponderous pair +of boots, whose speciality seemed to be drinking whatever +spirituous liquors were consumed about the establishment. + +Having passed this shirt-sleeved sentinel without damage, though +not without fear, the Cash Customer sat down to take an +observation. + +The wooden courser was not to be seen at first glance. The room +was a small irregularly-shaped one, with an intrusive chimney +jutting out into the floor from one side, as if it were a sturdy +brick-and-mortar poor relation of the premises come a visiting +and not to be got rid of at any price. A small cooking-stove was +in the fireplace, with an attendant on either side in the shape +of a battered coal-scuttle, and a small saucepan full of +charcoal; the floor was covered with a dirty rag carpet that had +long since outlived its beauty and its usefulness, and was now in +the last extremity of a tattered old age; half-a-dozen chairs of +different patterns, all much shattered in health and enfeebled by +long years of labor, and a decrepit lounge in the last stages of +a decline, were the seats reserved for visitors; the other +furniture of the room was an antique chest of drawers of a most +curious and complicated pattern—it seemed as if the mechanic had +been uncertain whether he was to construct a bureau or a +cow-shed, and had accordingly satisfied his conscience by making +half-a-dozen drawers and building a sloping roof over them; the +joints were warped apart, and through the chinks could be seen +fragments of clean shirt, and ends of lace, and bits of flannel, +suggesting babies. At a wink from the female, the male with the +ponderous boots retired from the presence. + +Mrs. Pugh is a woman of medium height and size, with a clear +grey eye, and light hair, and wearing that sycophantic smile +peculiar to people who have much to do with ugly babies whose +beauty must be constantly praised to the doting parents. She was +attired in a neat calico dress, constructed for family use, and +for the particular accommodation of the younger members of the +household. + +Johannes, who had been taking a sly look, had made up his mind +that she would not be quite so objectionable for a wife as he had +feared, and he had fully resolved to woo and wed her off-hand, +provided she had the broomstick of his hopes. + +So, by way of a beginning, he announced that he would like her to +exercise her magic powers in his behalf. + +Mrs. Pugh had evidently previously regarded him as an +enthusiastic young father with a pair of troublesome twins, who +had come to seek her ministrations, and she undoubtedly had high +wages, innumerable presents, and exorbitant perquisites in her +mind’s eye at that instant. + +When, however, she learned that her visitor merely wished to know +what the fates had resolved to do about his particular case, she +was slightly disappointed, for the babies are more profitable +than the planets. However, she soon reconciled herself to her +fate, and produced from some cranny immediately under the eaves +of the cow-shed bureau, a pack of cards wrapped up in an old +newspaper. She then carefully locked the door to keep out the +children, and drew down the curtains lest their inquiring minds +should lead them to observe her mysterious operations through the +window. Then taking the wonder-working pieces of pasteboard in +her hands, and seating herself opposite her visitor, she +announced her gracious will, thus: “You shall have six wishes.” + +Then, without asking him what he wished for, or whether he wished +for anything, she shuffled the cards a few seconds, and read off +their mysterious significance as follows, her curious and anxious +customer looking furtively around, meanwhile, to spy out the +hiding-place of the wooden courser: + +“’Pears to me you will have good luck in futur, though it seems +to me that you have had a great deal of bad luck and misfortune +in your life; but you will certainly do better in your futur days +than you have done yet in your life, at least, so it seems to me. +’Pears to me your good luck will commence right away, pretty +soon, immediate, in a very few days; you will have some great +good luck befal you within a 9. I designate time by days, and +weeks, and months, and sometimes years, so this good luck of +which I told you, you will certainly have within 9 days, or 9 +weeks, or 9 months, or possibly 9 years—9 days I think; yes, I am +sure; within 9 days, at least so it ’pears to me. You are going +to make a change in your business, so it seems to me—you are +going to leave your present business, and make a change; you will +make this change within a 7, which may be 7 days or weeks; weeks +I think, yes certainly within 7 weeks, at least so it ’pears to +me—this change in your business which will take place in 7 days, +or weeks, I think, yes weeks I’m sure, will be a change for the +better, and you will profit by it much, at least so it seems to +me—and it will come to pass within a 7; as I said before, within +a 7, months or days it may be, but weeks I think; yes, now I look +again, within a 7, weeks I’m certain, at least, so it ’pears to +me—you will receive a letter within a 3; years, perhaps, months, +it may be, but still it looks like days; yes, days I’m sure, days +it must be; within a 3, and days they are; you will receive a +letter within 3 days, I’m positively sure, or so it ’pears to me. +You have friends across water, from whom you will hear speedily +and soon, within a 5, which may be months, although I think not, +for it looks like years; did I say years? no, days; yes, days it +is again; within a 5, and days they are; this letter you will +have within 5 days; it will contain excellent news, which will +please you much; money, the news will be, and you will get the +letter within a 5, which may be months or years, but days it +looks like, and first-rate news it is, of money; I am positively +certain that it is within a 5, at least it seems so to me. You +face up good luck and prosperity, and you will be very rich +before you die, though I do not see how you are to get your +money, whether by business or legacy; but you will be very rich, +or so it seems to me. You will receive some money within a 4; it +will be in three parcels, and there will be considerable of it. +You will get it in three parcels within a 4, not hours, nor +years, nor yet months, but weeks; money in three parcels within a +4, and weeks they are, I’m certain. The money will be in three +parcels—three parcels; in three parcels you will get money within +a 4, which, now I look again, it may be years, but still I think +not. No, it is weeks; I’m certain, at least, so it ’pears to me. +There is a lady that has a good heart for you. She is a +light-complexioned lady, with black eyes; she has a good heart +for you, and I do not see any trouble between you, which means +that there is no opposition to your match, and that you will +certainly marry her within a 2, at least so it ’pears to me. +Within a 2 you will marry this light-complexioned lady, within a +2, which is not hours, nor yet days, I think it is months. I’ll +look again; no, it is not months, but years; within a 2 and years +they are, yes, 2 years; before a 2, and years they are, this lady +will be your wife—at least, so it seems to me. ’Pears to me you +will get money with her, I do not know how much, but you will +certainly get money in three parcels, as I once remarked before, +within a 4, which I’m sure is weeks. You will be married twice; +once within a 2, once again within a 5 or 7 after your first wife +dies. I think it is a 5, though it may be a 7; and months it +looks like, though it may be weeks or days. You will live with +your first wife a 10; days it can’t be, though it looks like +days—a 10, you’ll live with her a 10, can it be hours, no, years +it is, it must be, because you will have five children by your +first wife, which makes it years—10 years it is, I know, at least +so it ’pears to me. You will have five children by your first +wife, but you will not raise them all. All will die but two, and +then your wife will die within a 1, which is a month, or so it +seems to me.” + +The inquirer was charmed with the lively prospect of so many +funerals, and mentally resolved to buy a couple of acres in +Greenwood for the accommodation of his future family. His +meditations were interrupted by the lady, who thus continued: + +“You will marry a second wife, but you will have trouble about +her; there is a dark-complexioned man who interferes, and who +will trouble you for an 8, which may be years, although I think +not, nor hours, nor days, but months; I’m sure it is—yes, the +dark-complexioned man will trouble you for an 8, which I am sure +is months, yes, months it is, an 8 I say, and months they are, I +am certain, at least so it ’pears to me. By your second wife you +will have three children, who will all live—I see a funeral here +within a 6; it does not look like a friend or a relative, but it +is some acquaintance, or the friend of some acquaintance, or the +acquaintance of some friend—the funeral is within a 6, but it +does not come very near to you—you will go to a wedding within a +3, and you will receive a present of a ring within a 2, which +may be days—you will after this be very prosperous and happy, you +will be very long-lived—you will get a letter and a present from +the light-complexioned lady within a 9, which, as I said before, +it may be hours, which I think it is, though weeks it may be, or +months, or even years; though certainly within a 9, which, now I +look again, is days, yes, I am sure, certain, within a 9, a +letter and a present from the light-complexioned lady, a 9 it is +and days, within a 9, and days they are, at least, so it ’pears +to me.” + +Here ended the communication, and, on inquiring the price, +Johannes was astonished to learn that he had received but +twenty-five cents’ worth. Regretting that he had not invested a +dollar in a commodity so “cheap and very filling at the price” +for future consumption, he departed, first taking a long +lingering look to find, if possible, the lurking-place of the +magic broomstick charger. He didn’t see it, and gave it up, and +came away declaring that such a woman was not qualified to take +the social position his wife must assume. He did not, however, +wish to discourage her; he thought that the water-melon trade +might be comprehended by a lady of her abilities, or that she +could perhaps thoroughly master the pop-corn and molasses candy +business, and make it lucrative. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +In which are narrated the Wonderful Workings of Madame Morrow, +the “Astonisher,” of No. 76. Broome Street; and how, by a +Crinolinic Stratagem, the “Individual” got a Sight of his “Future +Husband.” + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +MADAME MORROW, THE ASTONISHER, No. 76 BROOME STREET. + + +Madame Morrow is the only one of the fortune-telling fraternity +in New York who refuses to dispense her astrological favors to +both sexes. She positively declines receiving any visits from +“gentlemen,” and confines her business attention exclusively to +“ladies,” of whom many are her regular customers. One reason for +this course of conduct is, that she imagines her own sex to be +the more credulous, and more readily disposed to put faith in her +claims to supernatural knowledge, and she naturally prefers to +deal with believers rather than with sceptics. Her “lady” +customers are more tractable and easily managed than men, and are +not so apt to ask puzzling and impertinent questions; and as the +Madame can manage more of them in a day, of course the pecuniary +return is larger than if she exercised her art in behalf of +curious masculinity as well. + +Of her history before she engaged in her present business, not +much is known to those who have met her only of late years, for +with regard to her early life she chooses to exercise a politic +reticence. The whole “style” of the woman, however, her dress, +manner, and conversation, are strong indications that her younger +and more attractive days were not passed in a nunnery, but more +probably in establishments where “Free Love” is more than a +theory. The character of the greater part of her “lady” visitors +is of a grade that goes to corroborate this supposition, and +leads to the belief that among women of doubtful virtue “old +acquaintance” is not easily “forgot.” By far the greater number +of Madame Morrow’s customers are girls of the town, and women of +even more disreputable character. + +The fact that a visit to this renowned sorceress must be paid in +a feminine disguise, made the attempt to secure an interview of +more than ordinary interest. How this difficulty was mastered, +and how an entrance was finally effected into the citadel from +which all mankind is rigorously excluded, is best told in the +words of the “Individual” who accomplished that curious feat. + + + How the Cash Customer visited the “Astonisher”—How he + was Astonished—and How he saw his Future Husband. + +The Cash Customer in pursuit of a wife had been rebuffed, but was +not disheartened. He had, so to speak, fought a number of very +severe hymeneal rounds and got the worst of them all; but he had +taken his punishment like a man, and had still wind and pluck to +come up bravely to the matrimonial scratch when “time” was +called, and as yet showed no signs of giving in. His backers, if +he’d had any, would have still been tolerably sure of their +money, and not painfully anxious to hedge. The bets would have +been about even that he’d win the fight yet, and come out of the +battle a triumphant husband, instead of being knocked out of the +field a disconsolate and discomfited bachelor. + +But, although his ardor had not cooled, and though his strength +and determination still held out, he had grown slightly cautious, +and had conceived a plan for going like a spy into the camp of +the enemy, and there thoroughly reconnoitring the positions that +he had to storm, and at the same time making himself master of +the wiles and stratagems that were the peculiar weapons of the +female foe, and so learn some infallible way to capture a +first-quality wife. At any rate, he would give himself the +benefit of the doubt and make the experiment. He would a-wooing +go, not apparelled in conquering broadcloth, in subjugating +marseilles, or overpowering doeskin, but carrying the unaccustomed, +but not less potent weapons of laces, moire-antique, crinoline, +and gaiters. + +In fact, there was also a stern necessity in the case, for the +lady on whom he had now set his young affections was particular +as to her customers, and did not admit the shirt-collar gender to +the honor of her confidence. + +But was this to stop him? If the lady shut out the whole +masculine world from the inevitable fascinations of her +superabundant charms, was it not for sweet charity’s sake, that a +whole community might not go into ecstatic frenzies over her +peerless beauty, and all men, being stricken in love of the same +woman, go to cutting each other’s throats with bowie-knives and +other modern improvements! + +It was easy to see that _Madame Morrow_ did not want to become +another Helen, to be abducted to some modern Troy, and have a ten +years’ row, and any quantity of habeas corpuses, and innumerable +contempts of interminable courts, after the modern fashion of +conducting a strife about a runaway maiden. + +Such a considerate beauty, veiling her undoubted fascinations +from the rude gaze of man, from purely prudential reasons, must +be a prize of rare value, and well worth the winning. + +Her qualifications in magic, too, seemed to be of the very first +order, to judge from her notification to the wonder-seeking +world. + + “ASTONISHING TO ALL.—Madame MORROW claims to be the + most wonderful astrologist in the world, or that has + ever been known, as I am the seventh daughter of the + seventh daughter, who was also a great astrologist. I + have a natural gift to tell past, present, and future + events of life. I have astonished thousands during my + travels in Europe. I will tell how many times you are + to be married, how soon, and will show you the likeness + of your future husband, and will cause you to be + speedily married, and you will enjoy the greatest + happiness of matrimonial bliss and good luck through + your whole life. I will also show the likeness of + absent friends and relations, and I will tell so true + all the concerns of life that you cannot help being + astonished. No charge, if not satisfied. Gentlemen not + admitted. No. 76 Broome street, near Columbia.” + +There was but one thing in this that troubled the “Individual” +with any particularly sharp pangs. He intended to marry the +Astonisher, but he was a little bothered what to do with the +seven daughters, for of course the Madame would not fail to +follow the excellent example of her revered mother, and would +never stop short of the mystic number. + +He finally concluded that all his duties as a father would be +faithfully performed if he taught them to read, write, and play +on the piano, and then gave them each a sewing-machine to begin +the world with. He did think of bringing them up for the ballet, +but their success in that profession being somewhat dependent on +the size and symmetry of their dancing implements, he felt it +would be improper to positively determine on that line of +business before he had been favored with a sight of the young +ladies. Reserving, therefore, his decision on this knotty point +until time should further develop the subject, he prepared for +the unsexing which was indicated as an inevitable preliminary to +a visit to Madame Morrow, by the sentence “Gentlemen not +admitted.” + +He proposed to get himself up in a way that would slightly +astonish the Madame herself, although she had faithfully promised +in her advertisement to astonish him. He would have been willing +to wager a small sum that with all her witchcraft she would be +unable to keep that promise, for in the regular course of his +business, he had become so accustomed to marvels, wonders, and +miracles, that the upheaval of a volcano in the Park wouldn’t +discompose him unless it singed his whiskers. He had a strong +desire, however, to realize the old sensation of astonishment, +and he was of the opinion that the “likeness of his future +husband” would accomplish that feat if anything could. + +Heroic was Johannes, and withal ingenious, and this then was his +wonderful plan. + +He would visit this Madame Morrow, not by proxy, but in his own +proper person; if not as a man, then as a woman; yes, he would +petticoat himself up to the required dimensions, if it took a +week to tie on the machinery. Off with the pantaloons; on with +the skirts; down with the broadcloth; hurrah for the cotton and +hey for victory, and a look at his future husband. + +To an inventor of theatrical costumes hied he with this fell +design in his heart. + +The requisite paraphernalia were bargained for and sent home to +the ambitious voyager, who, at the sight thereof, was “astonished” +in advance, and stricken aghast by the complicated mysteries of +laces, ribbons, strings, bones, buttons, pins, capes, collars, +and other inexplicable articles that met his gaze. + +The question instantly occurred, “Could he get into these +things?” + +Not a bit of it; he would sooner undertake to report in +short-hand the speech of a thunder-cloud, and with much better +prospects of success. He felt his own insignificance, and as he +looked out at the window, he regarded a passing female with awe. +He felt that he was fast becoming imbecile, not to say idiotic, +when he bethought him of his friends. Two discreet married men, +who knew the ropes, were called to the rescue, and began the +work; they piled on layer after layer of the material, and in +the course of four or five hours had built him into a pyramid of +the proper size, when they gave him their solemn assurance that +he was “all right.” He has since discovered that they had tied +his under-sleeves round his ankles, and that the things he wore +on his arms must have belonged somewhere else. There was trouble +about the hair, and it required the combined ingenuity and wisdom +of the masculine trio to keep the bonnet on, and this difficulty +was only overcome at last by tying strings from the inside of the +crown of that invention to the ears of the sufferer. + +Then, and not till then, had anybody thought of the whiskers. +They must be sacrificed; and though the miserable victim to his +own ambition consented to the disfigurement, how was it to be +accomplished? The luckless Johannes could no more sit down in a +barber’s chair than the City Hall could get into an omnibus. At +last he knelt down, which was the nearest approach he could make +to a sitting position, and Jenkins, mounted on the bed, shaved +him as well as he could at arm’s length. + +When the operation was concluded, his head looked as if it had +been parboiled and the skin taken off. He didn’t dare to curse +Jenkins for his clumsiness, knowing that if he relieved his mind +in that desirable manner, Jenkins would refuse to help him +undress when he wanted to get out of the innumerable manacles +that now confined every joint. He was as helpless as a turtle +that the unkind hand of ruthless man has rolled over on his back. + +However, the disguise was complete; he looked in the glass and +thought he was his own landlady; his best friends wouldn’t have +known him, and the teller of the bank would have pronounced him a +forgery and refused to certify him; he felt like a full-rigged +clipper ship, and got under sail as soon as possible and bore +down upon Madame Morrow’s residence. He nearly capsized as he +stepped into the street, but he righted after a heavy lurch to +the north-east, and kept his course without further serious +disaster. He made a speedy run to Broome street, the voyage being +accomplished in less than the expected time, although a heavy +sea, in the shape of a boy with a wheelbarrow, struck him +amidships, on the corner of Sheriff street, doing some damage to +his lower works and carrying away a yard or so of lace from his +main skirt. He finally came up to the house in splendid style, +and cast anchor on the opposite sidewalk to take an observation. + +The anchorage was good, and he rode securely for a short time +until he could repair damages, he having carried away some of his +upper rigging; in other words, he had caught his veil on a +meat-hook and had been unable to rescue it. He rigged a sort of +jury-veil with the end of his shawl, so that he could hide his +blushing countenance in case of too close scrutiny. + +Madame Morrow lives, as he now discovered, in a low, three-story +brick house, which cannot be called dirty, simply because that +mild word expresses an approximation towards cleanliness which no +house in this locality has known for years. City readers can get +an idea of its condition by understanding that it is in the worst +part of “The Hook;” to readers in the country, who have luckily +never seen anything filthier than a barn yard, no information can +be given which would meet the case. Sunshine is the only +protection for a well-dressed man against the population of this +part of the town. In the twilight or darkness he would be robbed, +if not garroted and murdered. The boldest and most desperate +burglars, and others of that stamp, have their homes about +here—fathers who teach their children the thief’s profession, and +mothers who carry pickpockets at the breast. In the midst of this +nest of crime the fortune-teller has her home, and here she +thrives. + +The daring man, protected by his false colors, there being no +officious authority in that neighborhood to exercise the right of +search, came alongside the house and prepared, metaphorically, to +board; that is, he rang the bell. + +He was admitted by an Irish girl, whose incrusted face showed +that the same deposit of dirt had probably held possession +undisturbed for weeks. They had just entered the hall door when +two small children, who were contending for their vested rights +with a big yellow dog that had interfered with their dinner, +commenced an unearthly squalling, which, for the instant, made +the millinery delegate fairly believe that Tophet was out for +noon. The Hibernian maiden, with great presence of mind, +immediately attempted to quiet the storm by administering to each +inverted brat a sound correction, in the manner usually adopted +by mothers. + +Particulars are omitted. + +Then she resumed her attentions to the stranger, and convoyed him +into port in the parlor. Securely harbored in this safe retreat, +Johannes took another observation. + +The room was small, and what few things were in it looked shabby +and dirty of course. The principal article of furniture was a +huge basketful of soiled linen, which had probably been “taken +in” to wash, and from a respectable family, for every single +article looked ashamed to be caught in such company, and tried to +burrow down out of sight. Disconsolate shirts elbowed humiliated +socks, which in turn kicked against mortified flannels, or hid +themselves beneath disconcerted sheets; abashed shirt-collars and +humbled dickies tried to shrink out of sight in very shame +beneath a dishonored tablecloth, the wine-stains on which showed +it to belong in better society. A dejected and cast-down woman +was assorting the despairing contents of the basket with a look +of desolation. + +The girl, who had disappeared, now returned, and with an air of +mystery slipped into the hand of her visitor a red card, on which +was inscribed: + + +-------------------------------------------------+ + |No Person allowed to remain in the Establishment | + |without a ticket. Please present this on entering| + |Madame Morrow’s room. Fee in full, $1. | + +-------------------------------------------------+ + +For an hour and a half after the receipt of this card and the +payment of $1 therefor, did Johannes quietly wait in the room +with the big basket, being entertained meanwhile by the two women +who conversed with each other upon the relative merits of engines +No. 18 and 27, and with a long discussion as to the comparative +personal beauty of “Tom” and “Dick,” who, it seemed, belonged +respectively to those two mechanical constituents of our Fire +Department. + +At the end of that time the Irish girl, who had succeeded in +establishing “Dick’s” claim to her satisfaction, arose and +invited the stranger to the room of Madame Morrow. + +He passed up a narrow flight of stairs, the condition of which, +as to dirt, was concealed by no friendly carpet; then he sailed +into a front parlor which was furnished elegantly, and perhaps +gorgeously, with carpets, mirrors, sofas, and all the usual +requirements of a lady’s apartment. + +Madame herself appeared at the door. She is a tall, +sallow-looking woman, with a complexion the color of old +parchment: with light brown eyes and light hair; being attired in +a handsome delaine dress of half-mourning, and decorated with a +costly cameo pin and ear-drops, she looked not unlike a servant +out for a holiday, making a sensation in her mistress’s finery. + +She led her lovely visitor into a little closet-like room, in +which were a bureau, two chairs, a table, and a small stand, +covered with a number of her business hand-bills and a pack of +cards. She asked first: “What month was you born?” On receiving +the answer, the Astonisher took a book from the bureau and read +as follows: “A person born in this month is of an amiable and +frank disposition, benevolent, and an amiable and desirable +partner in the marriage relation. Your lucky days are Tuesdays +and Thursdays, on which days you may enter on any undertaking, or +attempt any enterprise with a good prospect of success.” Then she +took up the cards again, and after the usual shuffling and +cutting, the Astonisher fired away as follows. + +“You face luck, you face prosperity, you face true love and +disinterested affection, you face a speedy marriage, you face a +letter which will come in three days and will contain pleasant +news—you face a ring, you face a present of jewelry done up in a +small package; the latter will come within two hours, two days, +two weeks, or two months—you face an agreeable surprise, you face +the death of a friend, you face the seven of clubs which is the +luckiest card in the pack—you face two gentlemen with a view to +matrimony, one of whom has brown hair and brown eyes, and the +other has lighter hair and blue eyes—they are both thinking of +you at the present time, but the nearest one you face is the one +with light eyes—your marriage runs within six or nine months.” + +There was very much more to the same effect, but as Johannes was +pining all this time for a look at his future husband, he did not +pay the strictest attention to it. Finally, when she had finished +talking, she said, “Step this way and see your future husband.” + +This was the eventful moment. + +The disguised one went to the table and there beheld a pine box, +about the size of an ordinary candle-box, though shallower; it +was unpainted, and decidedly unornamental as an article of +furniture. In one end of it was an aperture about the size of the +eye-hole of a telescope; this was carefully covered with a small +black curtain. This mystic contrivance was placed upon a table so +low that the husband-seeker was compelled to go on his knees to +get his eye down low enough to see through. He accomplished this +feat without grumbling, although his knees were scarified by the +whalebones which surrounded him. The Astonisher then drew aside +the little curtain with a grand flourish, and her customer beheld +an indistinct figure of a bloated face with a mustache, with +black eyes and black hair; it was a hang-dog, thief-like face, +and one that he would not have passed in the street without +involuntarily putting his hands on his pockets to assure himself +that all was right. But he felt that he had no hope of a future +husband if he did not accept this one, and he made up his mind to +be reconciled to the match. + +This contrivance for showing the “future husband” is sometimes +called the Magic Mirror, and may be procured at any optician’s +for a dollar and a quarter. The “future husband” may of course be +varied to suit circumstances, by merely shifting the pictures at +one end of the instrument; or a horse or a dog might be +substituted with equal propriety and probability. + +Disappointed, and sick at heart and stomach, the Cash Customer +bore away for home, and accomplished the return voyage without +disaster. He didn’t so much mind the unexpected difference in the +personal attractions of Madame Morrow from what he had hoped, for +he had been rather accustomed to disappointments of that sort of +late, but he couldn’t see that his admission to the camp of the +enemy had enabled him to spy out anything of particular +advantage to him in future operations. So he cogitated and +mournfully whistled slow tunes, as he cut himself out of his +unaccustomed harness by the help of a pen-knife with a file-blade. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +Contains a full account of the interview of the Cash Customer +with Doctor Wilson, the Astrologer, of No. 172 Delancey Street. +The Fates decree that he shall “pizon his first Wife.” HOORAY!! + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +DR. WILSON, No. 172 DELANCEY STREET. + + +This ignorant, half-imbecile old man is the only _wizard_ in New +York whose fame has become public. There are several other men +who sometimes, as a matter of favor to a curious friend, exercise +their astrological skill, but they do not profess witchcraft as a +means of living; they do not advertise their gifts, but only +dabble in necromancy in an amateur way, more as a means of +amusement than for any other purpose. On the other hand Dr. +Wilson freely uses the newspapers to announce to the public his +star-reading ability, and his willingness, for a consideration, +to tell all events, past and future, of a paying customer’s life. +He professes to do all his fortune-telling in a “strictly +scientific” manner, and it is but justice to him to say, that he +alone, of all the witches of New York, drew a horoscope, +consulted books of magic, made intricate mathematical calculations, +and made a show of being scientific. In his case only was any +attempt made to convince the seeker after hidden wisdom, that +modern fortune-telling is aught else than very lame and shabby +guesswork. The old Doctor has by no means so many customers as +many of his female rivals; he is old and unprepossessing—were he +young and handsome the case might be otherwise. + +He has been a pretended “botanic physician,” or what country +people term a “root doctor;” but failing to earn a living by the +practice of medicine, he took up “Demonology and Witchcraft” to +aid him to eke out a scanty subsistence. He does but little in +either branch of his business, the public appearing to have +slight faith in his ability either to cure their maladies or +foretell their future. + +The character of his surroundings is noted in the following +description, and his oracular communication is given, word for +word. + + + An Hour with a Wizard.—The Cash Customer is to “Pizon” + his First Wife, and then get Another. Hooray! + +“I am like a vagabond pig with no family ties, who has no lady +pig to welcome him home o’nights, and with no tender sucklings to +call him ‘papa,’ in that prattling porcine language that must +fall so sweetly on the ears of all parents of innocent porklings. +Like Othello, I have no wife, and really I can see little hope in +the future.” + +Thus moralized the “Individual,” the morning after his experiment +with the women’s gear, and his failure to learn, at a single +lesson, the whole art of catching a wife. Then he bethought him +that perhaps the art could not be learned without a master; and +then came the other thought that no one could tell so well how to +win a witch-wife as one who had himself been successful in that +risky experiment. + +To find a man with a fortune-telling wife is no easy matter, for +most of the marriages contracted by these ladies are by no means +of a permanent character, and the male parties to the temporary +partnerships are always kept in the background. But if he could +discover up a wizard, a masculine master of the Black Art, there +were strong probabilities that such an individual could put him +in the way of winning a miracle-working spouse, at the very least +possible trouble and expense. He would seek that man as a +preliminary to winning that woman. The daily newspapers showed +him that in the person of a learned doctor, surnamed Wilson, he +would probably find the man he wanted. He searched out that +wonderful man, and the results of his visit are given in this +identical chapter. + +Old dreamy Sol Gills, of coffee-colored memory, has been +admiringly recommended to the good opinion of the world by his +friend, Capt. Ed’ard Cuttle, mariner of England, as a man “chock +full of science.” From the same eminent authority we also learn +that Jack Bunsby was an individual of learning so vast, and +experience so varied and comprehensive, that he never opened his +oracular mouth but out fell “solid chunks of wisdom.” That the +person now dwells in our city who combines the scientific +attainments of Gills with the intuitive wisdom of Bunsby, we have +the solemn word of Johannes. The science is a trifle more dreamy +and misty even than of old, and the wisdom is solider and +chunkier, but both are as undeniable, as convincing, as +“stunning,” as in the best days of the Little Wooden Midshipman. +The fortunate possessor of this inestimable wealth of knowledge +secludes himself from the curious public in the basement of the +house No. 172 Delancey street, like an underground hermit. +However, this unselfish and generous sage, not wishing to hide +entirely the light of his great learning from a benighted world, +kindly condescends, in the advertisement herewith given, to +retail his wisdom to anxious inquirers at a dollar a chunk: + + “ASTROLOGY.—Dr. Wilson, 172 Delancey street, gives the + most scientific and reliable information to be found on + all concerns of life, past, present, and future. + Terms—ladies, 50 cents; gentlemen, $1. Birth required.” + +The last sentence is slightly obscure, and it was not quite clear +to Johannes that he would not have to be “born again” on the +premises. But at all events there was something refreshing in the +novelty of consulting a “learned pundit” in pantaloons, after all +the tough conjurers of the other sex that he had undergone of +late. + +So he repaired to Delancey street in a joyous mood, nothing +daunted by the requirements of the advertisement. + +Delancey street is not Paradise, quite the contrary. In fact it +may be set down as unsavory, not to say dirty in the extreme. The +man that can walk through the east end of this delicious +thoroughfare without a constant sensation of sea-sickness, has a +stomach that would be true to him in a dissecting-room. The +individual that can explore with his unwilling boots its slimy +depths without a feeling of the most intense disgust for +everything in the city and of the city, ought to live in Delancey +street and buy his provisions at the corner grocery. He never +ought to see the country, or even to smell the breath of a +country cow. He should be exiled to the city; be banished to +perpetual bricks and mortar; be condemned to a never-ending +series of omnibus rides, and to innumerable varieties of short +change. + +The delegate picked his way gingerly enough, thinking all the +while that if Leander had been compelled to wade through Delancey +street, instead of taking a clean swim across the sea, Hero might +have died a respectable old maid for all Leander. And yet +Johannes says he doesn’t believe that History will give _him_ any +credit for his valorous navigation of the said street. + +He at last reached the designated spot, sound as to body, though +wofully soiled as to garments, and approached the semi-subterranean +abode of the great prophet, and immediately after his modest rap +at the basement door, was met by the venerable sage in person. +He walked in, and then proceeded to take an observation of the +cabalistic instruments and mysterious surroundings of the great +philosopher. + +The room was a small, low apartment, about ten feet by twelve, +the floor uncarpeted and uneven; the walls were damp, and the +whole place was like a vault. The furniture was very scanty, and +all had an unwholesome moisture about it, and a curious odor, as +if it gathered unhealthy dews by being kept underground. Three +feeble chairs were all the seats, and a table which leaned +against the wall was too ill and rickety to do its intended duty; +many of the books which had once probably covered it, were now +thrown in a promiscuous heap on the floor, where they slowly +mildewed and gave out a graveyard smell. A miniature stove in the +middle of the room, sweated and sweltered, and in its struggles +to warm the unhealthy atmosphere had succeeded in suffusing +itself with a clammy perspiration; it was in the last stages of +debility; old age and abuse had used it sadly, and it now stood +helplessly upon its crippled legs, and supported its nerveless +elbow upon a sturdy whitewash brush. There were a few symptoms of +medical pretensions in the shape of some vials, and bottles of +drugs, and colored liquids on the mantelpiece; a great attempt at +a display of scientific apparatus began and ended with an +insulating stool, and an old-fashioned “cylinder and cushion” +electrical machine; a number of highly-colored prints of animals +pasted on the wall, having evidently been scissored from the +show-bill of a menagerie, had a look towards natural history, and +a jar or two of acids suggested chemical researches. The books +that still remained on the enervated table were an odd volume of +Braithwaite’s Retrospect, a treatise on Human Physiology, and +another on Materia Medica; a number of bound volumes of Zadkiel’s +Astronomical Ephemeris, Raphael’s Prophetic Almanac, Raphael’s +Prophetic Messenger, and a file of Robert White’s Celestial +Atlas, running back to 1808. + +The appearance of the venerable sage of Delancey street was not +so imposing as to strike a stranger with awe—quite the contrary. +He partook of the character of the room, and was a fitting +occupant of such a place; he seemed some kind of unwholesome +vegetable that had found that noisome atmosphere congenial, and +had sprung indigenously from the slimy soil. One looked +instinctively at his feet to see what kind of roots he had, and +then glanced back at his head as if it were a huge bud, and about +to blossom into some unhealthy flower. The traces of its earthy +origin were plainly visible about this mouldy old plant; +quantities of the rank soil still adhered to the face, filled up +the wrinkles of the cheeks, found ample lodging in the ears and +on the neck, and crowding under the horny and distorted nails, +made them still more ugly; and streaks and ridges of dirt clung +to every portion of the garments, which answered to the bark or +rind of this perspiring herb. + +To drop this botanic figure of speech, Dr. Wilson is a man of +about fifty-eight years of age, rather stout and thick-set, with +grey eyes, and hair which was once brown, but is now grey, and +with thin brown whiskers; the top of his head is nearly bald, +except a few thin, furzy, short hairs, which made his skull look +as if it had been kept in that damp room until mould had gathered +on it. He was in his shirt sleeves, and was attired, for the most +part, in a pair of sheep’s grey pantaloons, which were made to +cover that fraction of his body between his ankles and his +armpits; the little patch of shirt that was visible above the +waistband of that garment, was streaked with irregular lines of +dirty black, as if it had gone into half mourning for the +scarcity of water. + +The man of science made a musty remark or two about the weather +and the walking, and then, after carefully seating himself at the +decrepit table, he said: “I suppose your business is of a +fortun’-tellin’ natur; if so, my terms is one dollar.” The +affirmative answer to the question and the payment of the dollar +put new energy into the mouldy old man, and he prepared to +astonish the beholder. + +He demanded the age of his visitor, and then desired to be +informed of the date of his birth, with particular reference to +the exact time of day; Johannes drummed up his youthful +recollections of that interesting event, and gave the day, the +hour, and the minute, with his accustomed accuracy. The sage made +an exact minute of these wet-nurse items on a cheap slate with a +stub of a pencil; then taking another cheap slate, he proceeded +to draw a horoscope thereon, pausing a little over the signs of +the zodiac, as if he was a little out in his astronomy, and +wasn’t exactly certain whether there should be twelve or twenty. +He settled this little matter by filling one half the slate as +full as it would hold, and then carrying some to the other side, +so as to have a few on hand in case of any emergency. + +When the figure was drawn, and all the mysterious signs +completed, the shirt-sleeve prophet became absorbed in an +intricate calculation of such mysterious import that all his +customer’s mathematical proficiency was unable to make out what +it was all about. First he set down a long row of figures, which +he added together with much difficulty, and then seemed to +instantly conceive the most unrelenting hostility to the sum +total. The mathematical tortures to which he put that unhappy +amount; the arithmetical abuse which he heaped upon it, and the +algebraic contumely with which he overwhelmed it, almost defy +description. He first belabored it with the four simple rules; he +stretched it with Addition; he cut it in two with Subtraction; he +made it top-heavy with Multiplication, and tore it to pieces with +Division—then he extracted its square root; then extracted the +cube root of that, which left nothing of the unfortunate sum +total but a small fraction, which he then divided by _ab_, and +made “equal to” an infinitesimal part of some unknown _x_. Having +thus wreaked his vengeance on the unhappy number, he laid away +the surviving fraction in a cold corner of the slate, where he +left it, first, however, giving a parting token of his bitter +malignity by writing the minus sign before it, which made it +perpetually worse than nothing, and reduced it to a state of +irredeemable algebraic bankruptcy. This praiseworthy object being +finally achieved, he proceeded to translate into intelligible +English the result of his calculations, which he announced in the +terms following: + +“The testimonial is not the most sanguine. If the time of birth +is given correct there is reason to apprehend that something of +an affective nature occurred at about eight years and ten +months—at 16 × 10 I think I may say, if the time of birth is +given correct, there is from the figures reason to expect that +there is a probability of a similar sitiwation of events. At 24 +there was a favorable sitiwation of events, if there was not +somebody or somethin’ afflictive on the contrary, the which I am +disposed to think might be possible. At 25, if the time of birth +is given correct, there is reason to expect great likelihoods of +some success in life; I may, it is true, be mistaken in my +calculations, but as the significators are angular, I think there +is indications that such will be the sitiwation of events. At 30, +if the time of birth is given correct, I think you are an +individdyal as may look for some species of misfortin—there will +be some rather singular circumstances occur, which might denote +loss of friends, or the fallin’ to you of a fortin, or great +travellin’ by water or land, or losin’ money at cards, or +breakin’ your leg, or makin’ a great discovery, or inventin’ +somethin’, or gettin’ put into prison on suspicion of sorcery and +witchcraft. You will see that there are indications to denote +that you will certainly be accused of sorcery and witchcraft by +some individdyals who are not your friends—the indications denote +great likelihoods that this will make you uneasy in your mind, +but I think there is nothin’ of a very serious natur’ to be +feared at that time of life, if the time of birth is given +correct. When any misfortin’ is comin’ upon you there is no doubt +(though I am not goin’ to state positively that such will be the +case, still there is strong likelihoods that the indications give +such a probability) that it will give you warnin’ of its +approach. At 36, if the time of birth is given correct, there is +indications of a likelihood that you will fall upon some other +misfortin’; I am not prepared to state positively that such will +be the case, but I think you will have a misfortin’, though I +don’t think it would be of a very afflictive natur’. There is at +that time a circumstance of an unfriendly natur’, though it may +not happen to yourself; it might denote that your brother will +get sick. There is another evil condition about this time which I +will examine still furder. I see that there is indications of a +likelihood that there is a probability of your having somethin’ +amiss by a partner, if somethin’ of a favorable natur’ does not +interpose, which is not unlikely, though I may be mistaken and +will not say positively. You will be lucky, however, after that, +and many of your evils will gradually begin to recline, as it +were. There is reason to believe that the significators denote +that in the course of your futur’ life you will sometimes be +thrown in with men who you will think is your friends, but who +will prove to be your enemy. This I will not say positively, for +I may be mistaken, which I think I am not, but if the time of +birth is correct, you are an individdyal as gives likelihoods +that such might be the case.” + +For more than an hour had the Inquirer been edified and +instructed by these “solid chunks of wisdom,” which, it will be +remembered, were not delivered off-hand, but were carefully +ciphered out by elaborate calculations on the slate aforesaid. +Lucid and elegant as was the language, and interesting as was the +matter of these oracular communications, he felt it to be his +duty to interrupt them for a time and change the subject to a +theme in which he felt a nearer interest; accordingly he asked +the musty Seer about his prospects of future wedded bliss. This +was a subject of so great importance that all the other +calculations had to be erased from the slate—this little +operation was accomplished in the manner of the schoolboys who +haint got any sponge, and the dirty hand plied briskly for a +minute between the juicy mouth and the dingy slate, and became a +shade grimier by this cleanly process. Then a new horoscope was +drawn with more signs of the zodiac than ever, and in due time +the result was thus announced: + +“I shall now endeavor to give you a description of the sort of +person you might be most likeliest to marry. There is indications +that your wife might be respectable. The significators do not +denote that there is a likelihood that you might marry a very old +woman. She would be as likely to have fair hair and blue eyes as +anything else; nor would she be likely to be very much too tall, +and I don’t imagine you are an individdyal that might be likely +to marry a woman who was very short. She may not be very old, but +I do not think that the indications point her out as being likely +to be a child; in fact, I think it possible that she may be of +the ordinary age, though I do not wish to be understood as being +positive on all these points, for I may be mistaken, though I +think you will find that there is a likelihood that these things +may be so. You will be married twice, and I think you are an +individdyal that would be likely to have children—six children I +think there is indications that you may be likely to have. The +significators point out one very evil condition, and I think I +may say that I’m quite sure. I’m positive that you will separate +from your first wife. No, I will not say that yours is a +quarrelsome natur’, but the significators look bad. Things is +worse, in fact, than I told you of, and now I look again and am +sure you are prepared, I will say that there cannot be a doubt +that _you will pizon your first wife_. It cannot be any other +way; there is no mistake; it is so; it must be true; the fact is +this, and thus I tell you, _you will pizon your first wife_. And, +my young friend, I will advise you, in case your married futur’ +is unhappy, and you do find it necessary to give pizon to your +consort, do not tell anybody of your intentions; do not let it be +known; and you must do it in such a way as not to be suspected, +or people will think hard of you, and there may be trouble.” + +This was a touch of wisdom for which Johannes was not prepared; +so he snatched his hat and hastily left the sepulchral premises, +conscious of his inability to receive another such a “chunk” +without being completely floored. + +He now expresses the opinion that Dr. Wilson wanted to get the +job of “pizoning” that first wife, and that he would have done it +with pleasure at less than the market price. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +Gives a history of how Mrs. Hayes, the Clairvoyant, of No. 176 +Grand Street, does the Conjuring Trick. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MRS. HAYES, A CLAIRVOYANT, No. 176 GRAND STREET. + + +There are a dozen or more of these “Clairvoyants” in the city who +profess to cure diseases, and to work other wonders by the aid of +their so-called wonderful power. As their mode of proceeding is +very much the same in all cases, a description of one or two will +give an idea of the whole. Their principal business is to +prescribe for bodily ills, and did they confine themselves to +this alone, they would not be legitimate subjects of mention in +this book. But in addition to their medical practice they also +tell about “absent friends;” tell whether projected business +undertakings will fall out well or ill; whether contemplated +marriages will be prosperous or otherwise: whether a person will +be “lucky” in life, whether his children will be happy, and, in +short, they do pretty much the regular fortune-telling routine, +whenever the questions of the customer lead that way. + +The theory as given by them, of a Clairvoyant diagnosis of a +malady, is this: that the Clairvoyant, when thrown by mesmeric +influence into the “trance” state, is enabled to _see into the +body of the patient_ and discern what organs, if any, are +deranged, and in what manner; or to ascertain precisely the +nature of the morbific condition of the body, and having thus +discovered what part of the vital mechanism is out of order, they +are able, they argue, to prescribe the best means for restoring +the apparatus to a normal state. + +There are many thousands of persons who believe this stuff, and +endanger their lives and health by trusting to these empirics. +Several of the most popular of them have as many patients as they +can attend to, and are rapidly amassing fortunes. Most of them +have a superficial knowledge of Medicine, and are thus enabled to +do, with a certain amount of impunity, many dark deeds. It is +reported of more than one of these women that she has done as +many deeds of child-murder as did even the notorious Madame +Restell. + +In this regard, they are among the most dangerous and criminal of +all the Witches. + +The “Individual” visited Mrs. Hayes, who is one of the most +ignorant of the whole lot, and Mrs. Seymour, who is one of the +most intelligent of all. He sets down the particulars of his +visit to the former, in the words following: + + + How the “Individual” sees a Clairvoyant—How he pays a + Dollar, and what he gets for his money. + +Not all the sorcery of all the sorcerers; not all the necromancy +of all the necromancers; not all the conjurations of all +masculine conjurers; not all the magic of all male magicians; not +all the charming of all the charmers, charm they never so wisely, +could have induced Johannes to ever more place the slightest +trust in a wizard, or repose in any wonderworker of the bearded +sex the merest trifle of faith, even the most infinitesimal +trituration of the homœopathicest grain. The single dose he had +received from the renowned Doctor Wilson was quite enough, and +had satisfied all his longings for wisdom of that sort. + +Besides, his coming events cast such peculiar and very unpleasant +shadows before, that he preferred to keep out of the grim +presence of such shady men, and for all after time to bask him +only in the sunshine of smiling women. + +“_Pizon his first wife_,” would he? Well, he could have taken +that “pizon” with tolerable composure from the lips of lovely +woman, but to receive it from the mumbling mouth of a skinny old +man, was too much to accept without divers rebellious grins. + +A peach-cheeked witch, a cherry-lipped conjuress; a Circe, with +only enough charms to make a respectable photograph, might with +impunity have called him a counterfeiter, or a horse-thief, or +even a thimble-rigger; or might have told him that he would, upon +opportunity, garotte his grandmother for the small price of +seventy cents and her snuff-box; or that he was in the habit of +attending funerals to pick the pockets of the mourners, and of +going to church that he might steal the pennies from the +poor-box, all this would he have borne uncomplainingly from a +woman; but these unpalatable statements from one of the masculine +gender would be “most tolerable and not to be endured.” + +He felt that if he had not rushed incontinently from the presence +of that underground star-gazer Dr. Wilson, he must either have +punched that respected person’s venerated head, or have laughed +in his honored face. In either case he would, of course, have +roused the extensive ire of that potent worthy, and have been at +once exposed to a fire of supernatural influences that would have +been probably unpleasant, to say the least. + +The unmusical Johannes looks upon accordeons as cruel instruments +of refined torture, and detests them as the vilest of all created +or invented things, and he had been very careful to offend none +of the magic community, lest he should, by some high-pressure +power of their enchanted spells, be transformed into an +accordeon, and be condemned to eternally have shrieking music +pulled out of his bowels by unrelenting boys. + +Having this terrible possible doom continually before his mind’s +optics, he felt that it would be only the part of prudence to +avoid the company of those black art professors in whose presence +he could not keep all his feelings well in hand. So, no more +wizards would he visit, but the witches should henceforth have +his entire attention. + +It is a fortunate circumstance that there are no other men than +the aforesaid Doctor Wilson, in the witch business in New York, +so that there would be no temptation to break this resolve, and +he probably would not be troubled to keep it. + +There is one breed of the modern witch that pretends to a sort of +superiority in blood and manners, and those who practise this +peculiar branch of the business put on certain aristocratic airs +and utterly refuse to consort with those of another stamp. They +disdain the title of “Astrologers,” or “Astrologists,” as most of +them phrase it, and in their advertisements utterly repudiate the +idea that they are “Fortune Tellers.” + +These are the “Clairvoyants,” who do business by means of certain +select mummeries of their own, and who make a great deal of money +in their trade. There are a great number of these in the city, so +many indeed that the business is over-done, and the price of +retail clairvoyance has come materially down. The same dose of +this article that formerly cost five dollars, may now be had for +fifty cents, and the quality is not deteriorated, but is quite as +good now as it ever was. + +To one of these supernatural women did the hero resolve to pay +his next visit, and he selected the abode of Mrs. Hayes, of 176 +Grand Street, for his initiatory consultation. + +With the mysterious psychological phenomena denominated by those +who profess to know them best, “clairvoyant manifestations,” +Johannes had nothing to do, and was content, as every one of the +uninitiated must perforce be, to accept the say-so of the +spiritualistic journals that there are such phenomena and that +they are unexplained and mysterious. No outside unbelievers in +Spiritualism and the kindred arts may ever know anything of +clairvoyant developments and demonstrations, save such one-sided +varnished statements as the journals that deal in that sort of +commodities choose to lay before the world. Every man must be +spiritually wound up to concert pitch before he is in a condition +to receive the highest revelations of the clairvoyant speculators. +So that, whether the clairvoyance that is sold for money be a +spurious or a superfine article few can tell. Certain it is that +it is the same sort of stuff that has ever been retailed to the +public under the name of clairvoyance, ever since the discovery +of that remunerative humbug. It is more than likely that the +twaddle of Mrs. Hayes, Mrs. Seymour, and the rest of the +fortune-telling crew, would be repudiated by Andrew Jackson Davis +and the rest of the spiritualistic firstchoppers, but it is none +the less true that these gifted women sell their pretended +knowledge of spirits and spiritual persons and things, with as +much pretentiousness to unerring truth, as that veritable seer +himself, and at a much lower price. + +The clairvoyant department of modern witchcraft is necessarily +carried on by a partnership, and one which is not identical with +the legendary league with the devil. Two visible persons +constitute the firm, for it takes a double team to do the work, +and if the amiable gentleman just referred to makes a third in +the concern, he is a silent partner who merely furnishes capital, +while his name is not known in the business. The whole theory of +clairvoyance as applied to fortune-telling and other branches of +cheap necromancy, seems to be somewhat like this. + +A strong-minded person, generally a man with a _physique_ like a +Centre-Market butcher boy, obtains by some means possession of an +extra soul or two, or spirit, or whatever else that intangible +thing may be called. These spirits are always second-rate +articles, not good enough to be put into vigorous and strong +bodies, and which have been therefore hastily cased up in an +inferior kind of human frame as a sort of make-shift for men and +women. + +Your professional clairvoyant is always, both as to soul and +body, a botched-up job that nature ought to be ashamed of, and +probably is, if she’d own up. + +The senior partner of the clairvoyant fortune-telling firm, the +strong-minded one, according to their professions, has the +arbitrary control of the cast-off souls that animate these refuse +bodies. By what spiritual hocus-pocus this is managed is not +known to those outside the trade. He uses their half-baked +spirits at his will, and makes his living by farming them out to +do dirty jobs for the paying public. He disconnects them from +their mortal vehicles, and sends them on errands in the +spirit-land in behalf of his customers, looking up their “absent +friends,” both in and out of the body—telling of their health and +prosperity if they are still alive, and picking up little bits of +scandal about their angels if they are dead. The senior partner +also sends his abject two-and-sixpenny souls to explore the +bodies of his sick customers and examine their internal +machinery, point out any little defects or disarrangements, and +suggest the proper remedies therefor, and in short, to do +whatever other dirty work the customer may choose to pay for. + +The senior partner of course pockets all the money, merely +keeping the mortal tenement in which the working partner dwells +in a good state of repair, in consideration of services rendered. + +Such a partnership is the one of Mr. and Mrs. Hayes, whose place +of business is advertised every day in the morning papers in the +words following: + + “CLAIRVOYANCE.—Astonishing cures and great discoveries + daily made by MRS. HAYES, that superior and wonderful + clairvoyant. All diseases discovered and cured (if + curable). Unerring advice given respecting persons in + business, absent friends, &c. Satisfactory examinations + given in all cases, or no charge made. Residence, 176 + Grand St. N. Y.” + +Johannes, whose general health was excellent, and whose internal +apparatus was all right so far as heard from, had therefore no +occasion to be astonishingly cured, or to have any great +discoveries made in him by Mrs. Hayes; still he was desirous of a +little “unerring advice about absent friends,” etc., from “that +superior and wonderful clairvoyant.” + +Besides, it was barely possible that in the person of the +superior and wonderful Mrs. Hayes, he might find the bride for +whom he pined. With hope slightly renewed within his speculative +breast, he set off joyfully for the designated domicile, which he +achieved in the due course of travel. + +The house No. 176 Grand Street is a brick two-story dwelling, of +a dingy drab color, as though it had been steeped in a Quaker +atmosphere and had there imbibed its color, which had since been +overlaid with “world’s people’s” dirt. + +The door was opened by Mrs. Hayes in person, her body on this +occasion being sent with her spirit to do a bit of drudgery. + +She is a woman of the most abject and cringing manner +imaginable; a female counterpart of Uriah Heep, with an unknown +multiplication of that vermicular gentleman’s writhings; she wore +no hoops, she would have squirmed herself out of them in an +instant; her dress was fastened securely on with numerous visible +hooks and eyes, and pins, and strings, in spite of which +precautions her visitor expected to see her worm out of it before +she got up stairs, and would scarcely have been astonished to see +her jerk her skeleton out of her skin, and complete her errand in +her bones. + +With a propitiating bow, whose intense servility would have +become Mr. Sampson Brass in the day of his discomfiture, she +asked her customer into the house, cringingly preceded him up +stairs, deferentially placed a chair, and abjectly departed into +an inner room, pausing at the door to execute an obsequious +wriggle, and to once more humble herself in the dust (of which +there was plenty) before her astonished visitor. + +The reception-room to which she led him, is an apartment of +moderate size, from the front windows of which the beholder may +regale his eyes with a comprehensive view of Centre Market and +its charming surroundings; Mott and Mulberry Streets lie just +beyond, and the Tombs are visible in the dim distance. The room +was furnished with a superfluity of gaudy furniture; and sofas, +tables, chairs and pictures, crowded and elbowed each other, +showing plainly that the upholstery of a couple, at least, of +parlors had been there compressed into a bedroom. + +From the inner room came a great sound, made up of so many +household ingredients as to defy accurate analysis—but the crying +of babies, the frizzling of cooking meat, the scraping of +saucepans, and a sound of somebody scolding everybody else, +predominated. + +The voyager was unprepared for any _Mister_ Hayes, having taken +it for granted that the _Mrs._ of the superior and wonderful +clairvoyant did not imply a husband, but was merely assumed +because it looks more dignified in the advertisement. But there +_was_ a _Mr._ Hayes, and presently the door opened and that +worthy appeared; he was surrounded by an atmosphere of fried +onions, and the fragrant and greasy perspiration in his face +seemed to have been distilled from that favorite vegetable. + +Mr. Hayes is a tall, fierce, sharp-spoken man, of manners so very +rough and bearish that his wife and children quailed when he +spoke as if they expected an instant blow. We don’t know that it +ever will be possible for a man to garrote his guardian angel for +the sake of her golden crown, but the idea occurred to Johannes +that if that amiable feat is ever accomplished, it will be by +such another man as this. He seemed as unable to speak a kind or +gentle word as to pull his boots off over his ears. He is an +Englishman, and speaks with the most intolerable cockney accent. +Moderating his harsh tones until they were almost as pleasant as +the threatenings of an ill-natured bull-dog, and addressing his +auditor, he growled out the following specimen of delectable +English: + +“There is lots of folks goin’ round town pretendin’ to do +clairvoyance, and to cure sick folks, and to tell fortunes, and +business, and journeys, and stole property; but we ain’t none of +them people. We only do this for the sake of doin’ good, and we +don’t want to do nothin’ that will make any trouble. We used to +tell things about stole property, and about family troubles, and +so we sometimes used to get folks into musses, but we don’t do +nothin’ of that kind now. If your business is about any kind of +muss and trouble in your family we don’t want nothin’ to do with +it. Sometimes folks that has quarrelled their wives away come to +us and wants us to get them back again, but we don’t do nothing +of that sort. We can tell ’em if their wives are well, or if +they’re sick and all about what ails ’em, and so we can about any +people that is gone off anywhere, and them’s what we call ‘absent +friends.’ So if you’ve got any trouble with your wife we can’t do +nothin’ for you.” + +The love-lorn visitor had no wives, a fact known to the reader +already, and when he does accumulate a help-meet, he sincerely +trusts she may not be so unruly as to require the interference of +outsiders to preserve harmony in the family. He expressed +himself to that effect, and added that his business was to find +out about the well-being of some friends in Minnesota, and to +ascertain particulars about some other trifles necessary to his +peace of mind. + +Hereupon Mr. Hayes, with a growl like a sulky rhinoceros, opened +the door which cut off the pot-and-kettle Babel of the other +room, and commanded his wife to come, and that estimable lady, +who is evidently in a state of excellent subordination, instantly +writhed herself into the room. She sat down in an armchair, and +began to evolve a most remarkable series of inane smiles, each +one of which began somewhere down her throat, rose to her mouth +by jerks, and finally faded away at the top of her head and the +tips of her ears. It was a purely spasmodic thing of disagreeable +habit, without a particle of geniality or feeling about it. + +While this curious process was going on, the Doctor had drawn +down the window-shades, thus darkening the room, and now +approached for the purpose of unhooking from its earthly +tabernacle the soul that was to step up to Minnesota and bring +back word to his customer “how all the folks got along.” This he +accomplished by a few mysterious mesmeric passes, and when the +trance was induced, and the spirit had, so to speak, tucked its +breeches into its boots ready for the muddy journey, he placed in +the hand of Johannes that of the corpus which still remained in +the armchair, and said to the disembodied spirit: + +“Now, I want you to go with this gentleman to Brooklyn and take a +fair start from there, and then go where he tells you to, and +tell him what things there is there that you see.” + +Having delivered this injunction in a tone so indescribably +savage that he had better a thousand times have struck her in the +face, this amiable animal retired to the Babel, taking with him +the fried-onion atmosphere. + +Then the woman in the chair began to speak, in a style the most +disagreeable and affected that anybody ever listened to. It was +more like that sickening gibberish that nurses call “_baby-talk_,” +than anything else in the world. She spoke with a detestable +whine, and pronounced each syllable of every word separately, as +if she feared a two-syllable word might choke her. Sick at the +stomach as was her visitor at the whole babyish performance, he +so far controlled his qualms as to note down the words hereunder +written. + +Whoever has heard this woman in a professional way can testify to +the verbatim truth of this sketch. + +“There is wa-ter that we must cross, we must go in a boat musn’t +we? Now we’re in the boat, and O I see so many put-ty things, +men, and dogs, and ships and things going up and down; such +beau-ti-ful things I have never seened before. Now we are a-cross +the riv-er, and now we must get on the car, musn’t we? What car +must we get on? O I see it now, the yellow car. Now we are going +a-long and I can see—O what a pret-ty dress in that store. O what +real nice can-dy that is. I wish I had some don’t you? Now we’re +at the house. Is it the one on the cor-ner, or the next one to +it, or is it the brick house with the green blinds? No, the wood +one with green blinds; so it is, but I didn’t be here be-fore +ev-er in my life. Now we will go in-to the house; I see a car-pet +there and some chairs and some—O what a pret-ty pic-ture, and +what a nice fire. I see a la-dy of ver-y pret-ty ap-pear-ance. +She is a young la-dy; she has got blue eyes, she is stand-ing +sideways so I can’t see noth-ing of her but one side of her face. +There is al-so an el-der-ly la-dy, but I can’t see much of her. +They appear to be go-ing on a jour-ney, shall I go with them? +Yes, well I will. Now we are on the wa-ter and—O what a pret-ty +boat—now we are get-ting off of the boat—I didn’t nev-er be here +be-fore. Now we are on a rail-road, I nev-er seened this +rail-road be-fore but—O what a pret-ty ba-by. Now we go along, +along, along, along, and now we are at the de-pot. I didn’t ev-er +be here ei-ther—there is a riv-er here, and a mill and a—O what a +pret-ty cow—somebody is go-ing to milk the cow. There is a town +here—it seems as if I did be here before—yes I am sure—O what a +pret-ty lit-tle car-riage, and what a pret-ty dog. Yes I am sure +I seened this town be-fore, but these rail-roads didn’t be here +then.” + +By this time the travellers were supposed to have reached St. +Paul, and the reliable clairvoyant then proceeded to describe +that interesting young city; and in the course of her speech made +more improvements there than will be accomplished in reality in +less than a year or two certainly. + +Among other things, Mrs. Hayes described as at present existing +in St. Paul, two Colleges, a City Hall built of white marble, a +locomotive factory, and a place where they were building seven +ocean steamers. + +She then, when she arrived at the house, in the course of her +mesmeric journey, where the people concerning whom Johannes had +inquired were supposed to be at that present domiciled, proceeded +to give descriptions of those whom she saw there, of the looks of +the country and of the house. + +And _such_ descriptions, as much like the truth as a ton of “T” +rail is like a boiled custard. + +By asking leading questions the seeker after clairvoyant +knowledge got some very original information. He only began this +course after he found that she, if left to herself, could +describe nothing, and could utter no speech more coherent or +sensible than that already set down as coming from her illustrious lips. + +In fact, the policy of the clairvoyant-witch in every case, is to +wait for leading questions from the anxious inquirer, so that the +answers may be framed to suit the exigencies of the case. +Johannes was not slow to perceive this, and by way of testing the +science, or rather, art of clairvoyance, he put a series of +questions which established the following interesting facts, all +of which were positively averred to be true by Mrs. Hayes, “that +superior and wonderful clairvoyant.” + +Minnesota Territory is a small town situated 911 miles south-east +of the mouth of the Mississippi River—its officers are a chief +cook and 23 high privates, besides the younger brother of +Shakspeare, who is the Mayor of the Territory, and whose +principal business it is to keep the American flag at half-mast, +upside down. + +When this last important information had been elicited, Johannes, +who thought he had got the worth of his money, recalled Dr. +Hayes, who reappeared, surrounded by the same old atmosphere of +the same old onions; to him the customer resigned the hand of the +twaddling adult baby who had held his hand for an hour and a +half, paid his dollar, and then prepared to depart. + +The soul of the woman then returned from its long journey, and +was locked up in its squirmy body by the Doctor, ready to serve +future customers at one dollar a head. + +She didn’t seem glad to get her soul back again, there probably +not being enough to give her any great joy, after she had got it. + +Johannes turned moodily away, feeling that the conjuress, his +future bride, the renovator of his broken fortunes, and the ready +relief to his present necessities, was as far distant as ever. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +Tells all about Mrs. Seymour, the Clairvoyant, of No. 110 Spring +Street, and what she had to say. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +MRS. SEYMOUR, CLAIRVOYANT, No. 110 SPRING STREET. + + +This woman is at the same time one of the most pretentious and +most clever of the clairvoyants, and she does a very large +business. Most of her customers come for medical advice, +although, in accordance with her printed announcement, she is +willing to talk about “absent friends,” and whatever other +business the client may choose to pay for. + +One branch of the clairvoyant trade which formerly brought as +much money to their pockets as any other department of their +business, was the finding lost or stolen property, and giving +directions for the detection of the thieves. This specialty has +however been pretty much abandoned of late by nearly all of them, +in consequence of law-proceedings against certain ones of the +sisterhood, which have in three or four instances been commenced +by parties who have been wrongfully accused of theft, through the +agency of the clairvoyant impostors. Several suits have been +instituted against them for defamation of character, and they +have been made to smart so severely that they are now all very +careful about accusing persons of crimes. + +As an evidence of the implicit faith put in these people by their +dupes, it may be mentioned that many applications have been made +to Judge Welsh, of this city, and to the other judges, for +warrants of arrest against respectable persons, for theft, the +only grounds of suspicion against them being, that some +clairvoyant had said that the property had been stolen by a +person of such and such a height, with hair and eyes of this or +that color, and that the suspected person happened to answer the +description. Of course, all such applications for legal process +have been refused by the magistrates, and the applicants +dismissed with a severe rebuke. + +Mrs. Seymour was an intimate friend of Mrs. Cunningham, of the +Burdell-murder notoriety, and was a witness in that memorable +trial. + +The Cash Customer had an interview with this woman, which he thus +describes: + + + Another Clairvoyant, who is not much in particular. + +If a man be desirous of knowing what sort of a moral character he +bears in the spirit-world, and what style of society his +disembodied soul will circulate in, or if he desires to know the +particulars of the after-death behavior of any of his acquaintances, +of course he will find it to his interest to marry a “medium” of +average respectability, and in good practice, and so save the +expense of frequent consultations. The “rapping” and “table-tipping” +communications from the spirit-world are hardly satisfactory. It +is, very likely, pleasant for a man to be on speaking terms with +his bedroom furniture, to spend an agreeable hour occasionally in +conversation with his washhand-stand, to enjoy a spirited +argument with his bedstead and rocking-chair, or to receive now +and then a confidential communication from his bootjack, but on +the whole, these upholstery dialogues do not satisfy the +“yearnings of the soul after the infinite.” The powers of speech +of a washhand-stand are circumscribed, bedsteads and rocking-chairs +are seldom equal to a sustained conversation, and the most +talkative bootjack has not a sufficient command of language to +make itself agreeable for any great length of time. The logic of +a poker may sometimes be convincing, but it is not generally +agreeable; and the rhetoric of uneducated coal-scuttles is hardly +elegant enough to pass the criticism of a refined taste. It is +therefore much more satisfactory as well as economical, for a +person who desires to enjoy his daily chat with the Spirits, to +get a “speaking medium” to translate the eloquence of all parties +and make the thing pleasant. Even then, confidential communications +must be very guarded, and on this account the person who invents +some means by which every man can be his own medium, will win an +equal immortality with the author of that invaluable book, “Every +Man his own Washerwoman.” + +Johannes had been thinking over the spiritual subject, of course +with a view to profitable matrimony, for he thought he could +manage to turn an intimacy with the spirits to good pecuniary +account, and inveigle those incorporeal gentlemen into doing +something for those of their friends who are yet bothered with +bodies. + +He knew that there are in New York, plenty of spiritualists in +such constant communication with their acquaintances on the +“other side of Jordan,” that they know the bill of fare with +which those seventh-heaveners are served every day, and whenever +their jolly ghostships sit down to a pleasant game of whist, they +send word to their earthly relatives by “medium” every fresh +deal, what the new trump is, who hold the honors, and how the +game stands generally. + +So close a familiarity with superior beings as this, could be +easily turned to practical account and made to pay handsomely, by +a Spiritualist with a utilitarian turn of mind. If he could but +get his spirits into proper subjection how useful would they not +be in the patent medicine business, in the way of inventing new +remedies; how invaluable would they be to an editor; in fact, how +particularly useful in almost any kind of business. + +But his great plan was to train a corps of light-footed and +gentle ghosts to carry news; they would of course beat locomotives, +carrier pigeons, and electric telegraphs out of sight; seas, +mountains, and such trifling obstacles would be no hindrance to +them, and the Associated Press, to say nothing of the Board of +Brokers, would pay handsomely for their services. Of course a +ghost with any pretensions to speed would bring us detailed news +from London in half-an-hour or so, without putting himself out of +breath in the least, thus beating the telegraph by a length. And +so Johannes, fully determined on this promising scheme, began to +cast about him for a medium who was acquainted in the spirit +sphere, to introduce him to some of the eligible ghosts. + +He knew that most of the clairvoyant women are “mediums,” and +thought very naturally that women who already earned their living +by clairvoyance, would be the very ones to enter heart and soul +with him into his spiritualistic scheme. + +Yes, he would marry a medium, and if she was a professional +clairvoyant, so much the better, his bow would have another +string. + +In his search for a witch-wife he would not have been justified +in interfering at all with the clairvoyants had it not been for +the fact that they mix a little witchcraft with their regular +business. Their ostensible trade is to diagnose and prescribe for +different varieties of internal disease, and so this particular +branch of humbug would not have come within the scope of the +voyager’s investigations, were it not that several of these +practitioners advertise to “tell the past, present, and future, +describe the future husband or wife, mark out correctly the exact +course of future life, give unerring advice about business, +absent friends, etc.” + +All this had too strong a savor of witchcraft to be ignored, and +accordingly Johannes set forth on his journey to visit another of +these mysteriously clear-sighted persons, keeping in view all the +time the probabilities of her being an A 1 spiritual medium, and +the very person whose aid would be invaluable in his new +journalistic enterprise. + +Mrs. Seymour, of No. 110 Spring Street, was the person towards +whose house the Cash Customer bent his steps, after reading the +subjoined advertisement of her powers and capabilities. + + “CLAIRVOYANCE.—MRS. SEYMOUR, 110 Spring Street, a few + doors west of Broadway, the most successful medical and + business Clairvoyant in America. All diseases + discovered and cured, if curable; unerring advice on + business, absent friends, &c., and satisfaction in all + cases, or no charge made.” + +The clairvoyant branch of the fortune-telling business seems to +require a certain amount of respectability in its practices, and +they sneer at the grosser deceptions of the more vulgar of the +necromantic trade. They keep aloof from the greasier sisters of +the profession, and they feel it due to the dignity of their +station to reject the cards, the magic mirrors, the Bibles and +keys, the mysterious pebbles and the other tricks which do well +enough for twenty-five cent customers; to sojourn in reputable +streets, in respectable houses, and to have clean faces when +visitors come in. There are, it is true, clairvoyants in the city +who live wretchedly in miserable cellars, whose garments and very +hair are populated with various specimens of animated nature, and +whose bodies are so filthy that the beholder wonders why the +spirits, which are so often disconnected from them and sent on +far-off missions, do not avail themselves of the leave of absence +to desert for ever such unsavory corporeal habitations. But the +majority of these persons prefer parlors to basements, and make +up the difference in expenses by double-charging their customers. +Many of them, as before stated, combine a little spiritualism of +the other sort with the clairvoyance, and they can all go into a +trance on short notice and rhapsodize with all the fervor if not +the eloquence of Mrs. Cora Hatch; they can all do the table-tipping +trick, and are up to more rappings than the Rochester Fox girls +ever thought of. For these several reasons therefore Mrs. Seymour +would be a wife worth having, or at least so thought Johannes as +he pondered these truths, and arranged in his mind his plan of +attack on the affections of that susceptible lady. + +The house No. 110 Spring Street, occupied by Mrs. Seymour for +business purposes, is not more seedy in appearance than the +majority of half-way decent tenant houses, which all have a +decrepit look after they are four or five years old, as though +youthful dissipations had made them weak in the joints. From +appearances, Mrs. Seymour’s house had been more than commonly +rakish in its juvenility, but it still had that look of better +days departed, which, in the human kind, is peculiar to decayed +ministers of the gospel. It is a house where a man on a small +salary would apply for cheap board. Hither the inquirer repaired, +and shamefacedly knocked at the door, and was admitted by a +frowzy, coarse, plump, semi-respectable girl, who would have been +the better for a washing. She opened the door and the customer +entered the reception-room, and had ample time before the +appearance of the mistress to take an observation. + +The parlor was neatly, though rather scantily furnished, with a +rigid economy in the article of chairs. The apartment communicated +by folding-doors with another room, whence could be heard an iron +noise as of some one scraping a saucepan with a kitchen-spoon. +The frowzy girl disappeared into this retired spot, and in about +the space of time that would be occupied by an enterprising woman +in rolling down her sleeves, taking off her apron, and washing +her hands, the door opened, and Mrs. Seymour presented herself. + +She was a frigid-looking woman, of about 35 years of age, with +dark hair and eyes, projecting lips and heavy chin, and was of +medium height and size. Her appearance was perhaps lady-like, her +movements slow and well considered. She was perfectly self-possessed +and calculating, and appeared to cherish no dissatisfaction with +herself. Her demeanor, on the whole, was repelling and chilly, +and impressed her visitor very much as if some one had slipped a +lump of ice down his back and made him sit on it till it melted. + +She regarded him with a look of professional suspicion, cast her +eye round the room with a quick glance, which instantly +inventoried everything therein contained, as though to assure +herself of the safety of any small articles which might be +scattered about, and then seated herself with an air of +preparedness, as if she was perfectly on guard and not to be +taken by surprise by anything that might occur. She volunteered a +frozen remark or two about the state of the weather, and then +subsided into silence, evidently waiting to hear the object of +the visit. + +Her appearance and demeanor had instantly frozen out of the +voyager’s mind all thoughts of marriage; he would as soon have +wedded an iceberg, or have taken to his heart of hearts a +thermometer with its mercury frozen solid. All he could do was to +buy a dollar’s worth of her clairvoyance and then get out. + +As soon therefore as the first chill had passed off, and he had +thawed out a few words for immediate use he asked for a little of +that commodity. + +When as he announced that he desired to know about the present +well or ill of some absent friends, and that clairvoyance was the +branch of her business which would on this occasion be called +into requisition, she rose from her seat, walked to the door, +never taking her eyes from the hands and pockets of her customer, +and called to some one to come in. In obedience to the summons, +the frowzy girl entered; this latter individual, since her first +appearance, had taken off her apron and pinned some kind of a +collar around her neck, but had not yet found time to comb her +hair, which was exceedingly demonstrative, and forced itself upon +attention. + +Mrs. Seymour seated herself in a rocking-chair and closed her +eyes; the plump girl stood behind her and pressed her thumbs +firmly upon the temples of Mrs. S. for about two minutes, during +which time this latter lady lost every instant something of life +and animation, until at last she froze up entirely. Then the +frowzy girl made one or two mysterious mesmeric passes over the +sleeping beauty from her head to her feet, to fix her in the +iceberg state; then placing the hand of Mrs. S. in the palm of +the customer, she left the room. + +The worst of it was that Mrs. Seymour’s hand is not an agreeable +one to hold; it is cold and flabby, and not suggestive of +vitality. Her face, too, had become pallid and corpse-like, and +her thin blue lips were not pleasant to regard. Johannes was +puzzled; he didn’t know what to do with the flabby hand, and how +he was to get any information about absent friends from a +fast-asleep woman he did not, as yet, exactly comprehend. At this +juncture, the lips asked, “Where am I to go to?” The sitter +suppressed a sulphurous reply, and substituted, “To Minnesota.” +Thereupon, without any more definite direction as to what part of +that rather extensive territory she was expected to visit, she +sent her spirit off, and immediately uttered these words: + +“I see two old people, two _very_ old people—one is a man and +one is a woman; one of them has been very sick of bilious fever, +but is now better, and will soon be quite well again. I can’t +tell exactly how these people look except that they are very old +and both are very grey. They may be husband and wife. I think +they are. They are both sitting down now. I also see two young +people—one of them is a male and the other a female. The male I +do not perceive very plainly, and I cannot make out much about +him; he seems to be standing up and looking very sad, but I can’t +tell you a great deal about him. The female I can see much +better, and can make out more about. She is tall, and has dark +hair. She appears to be connected in some way to the old people, +but I do not think she is related to the young man, though I +cannot exactly make out. She is a very agreeable-looking female, +rather pretty, I should say, if not positively handsome. She has +straight hair and does not wear curls. She is standing up now, +and appears to be talking to the young man, who has his back +partly turned toward her. I don’t quite make out what they are +saying. She has had a very severe attack of sickness, but has +nearly or quite recovered. She is not, however, what I should +call a healthy female, and she will soon have another fit of +sickness, which will be worse than the first, and will bring her +very low indeed—very near to death. But she will not die then, +though she is not what I should call a long-lived person. She +will certainly die in six or eight years. What disease she will +die of I can’t just make out, but it will not be of a lingering +character: it will carry her off suddenly. These people are all +very anxious about you, as if you was one of their family. They +have not heard from you lately, and are looking daily for +intelligence from you. They have written to you twice within +three months. One of the letters got to this city—a man took it +out of the mail. I don’t know where he took it out, and I can’t +exactly describe the man, but a man took it out of the mail. +These people are not satisfied to live where they are now; they +are discontented with the country, and will return here in the +Spring. They are talking about it now. They would like to come +back this Winter, but circumstances are so that they cannot. You +may be sure, however, that you will see them here in the Spring. +There is no doubt of it; they will come here in the Spring. The +other letter that I told you of that they had written has got +here safe, and is now in the Post-Office. You will find it there +if you inquire; you will be sure to get it as soon as you go down +to the office.” + +This was delivered in a very jerky manner, with occasional +twitchings of the face and violent claspings of the hand, which +her visitor retained, although it gave him a cold sweat to do it. +Johannes, who has friends in Minnesota, and whose questions were +therefore all in good faith, tried to get the sleeping female to +descend a little more to particulars, to describe individuals or +localities minutely enough to be recognised if the descriptions +approached the truth; but Mrs. Seymour was not to be caught in +this manner. She invariably dodged the question, and dealt only +in the most vague and uncertain generalities—giving no +description of persons or things that might not have applied with +equal accuracy to a hundred other persons or things in that or +any other locality. Her assertions concerning the persons +supposed to be her customer’s friends did not approach the truth +in any one particular; nor was there the slightest shadow of even +probability in any single statement she uttered. She is not, +however, a woman to lack customers, so long as there remain in +the world fools of either sex. + +When the inquirer had concluded his questioning, he was somewhat +at a loss how to awake the woman from her trance, but she solved +that little difficulty herself by opening her eyes (as if she had +been wide awake all the time) and calling for the beauteous +maiden of the snarly hair, who accordingly appeared and made a +few mysterious mesmeric passes lengthwise of her sleeping +mistress, and awoke her to the necessity of dunning her visitor, +which she did instantly and with a relish. He paid the demanded +dollar and departed. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +Describes Madame Carzo, the Brazilian Astrologist, of No. 151 +Bowery, and gives all the romantic adventures of the “Individual” +with that gay South American Naiad. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +MADAME CARZO, THE BRAZILIAN ASTROLOGIST, No. 151 BOWERY. + + +The illustrious lady who is the subject of the present chapter, +came to the city of New York in 1856, and at once took lodgings +and began business in the fortune-telling way. She did well, +pecuniarily speaking, for a time, but the details of a visit to +her having been published at length in one of the daily journals, +she at once retired from the business, and subsided into private +life. She is not now extant as a witch, and it is not impossible +that she is earning an honester living in other ways. + +The newspaper article that convinced her of the error of her +ways, and induced her to give up fortune-telling, is the +subjoined chapter by the “Individual:” + + +He meets a Yankee-Brazilian. She is not ill-looking, etc. + +Whether the budding beauties of maidenhood are inconsistent with +the orgies of witchcraft; whether there be an irreconcilable +antagonism between youth and loveliness, and the unknown +mysteries of the black art, is a vexed question of some interest. +Can’t a woman be supposed to indulge in a little devilment before +her hair turns grey, and her teeth fall out? and is it impossible +for her to have reliable and trustworthy dealings with Old +Scratch until she is wrinkled and withered? + +That’s what I want to know. + +And I am very naturally urged to the inquiry by the observation +that every professional witch in New York calls herself a +“Madame.” There is not a “Miss” or a “Mademoiselle,” in the whole +batch. They all make a pretence of being widows, or wives at the +very least, as if a certain amount of matrimonial tribulation was +indispensable to their accomplishment in the arts of sorcery and +magic. The only exception to this rule is found in the person of +a female calling herself “The Gipsy Girl,” who is otherwheres +mentioned, and in _her_ case the several agencies of nature, rum, +and small-pox have made her so strikingly ugly that old age could +not add a single other trait of repulsiveness to her excruciating +features. + +Now this is all a sad mistake. Let some young and undeniably +pretty girl go into the business, and she’d soon get a run of +exclusive customers who would stand any price and pay without +grumbling. If the original Satan should refuse to recognise her +eligibility, and should decline to furnish her with the requisite +quantity of diabolic knowledge to set her up in business, she +could easily find an opposition devil who would provide her stock +in trade, and possibly at something less than the usual rates. +I’ll be bound that Lucifer doesn’t monopolize the whole trade in +witchcraft, and pocket all the profits himself; for if some of +the numerous clerks in his employ haven’t yet learned the trick +of stealing the stock and selling it at a reduced price, then the +young gentlemen of our earthly mercantile houses are a good deal +up-to-snuffer than the virtuous demons of Mr. Satan’s +establishment. This last-named dealer generally demands the soul +of the contracting party in return for the powers and privileges +conferred; and in very many cases he must get decidedly the worst +of the bargain, for some of his precious adopted children never +had soul enough to pay for the ink to sign it away with; but +there is no doubt, in case a brisk competition should arise for +customers, that some of his cashiers and head-clerks would +contrive to under-sell him even at this price. + +The person who is so very anxious to effect this desirable +consummation, and to bring on a crop of young and pretty witches +to supersede the grizzled ones of this present generation was +Johannes, who had of late been getting rather sick of the +“Madames,” and would prefer, if possible, to have the rest of his +fortunes told by ladies of tenderer age, and greater inexperience +in the ways of the world. + +However, he was not the man to be deterred, in his pursuit of +wisdom, by the age and ugliness, grey hairs, wrinkles, false +teeth, _no_ teeth, dirt, ignorance, and imbecility he had +encountered, and he was determined to go on to the very end and +see if these are the sum total of modern witchcraft. + +And then _duns_ came o’er the spirit of his dream, and fond +visions of sundry small debts, paid by magic and a wife, as soon +as he should succeed in finding the wife who had the magic, +floated across his hard-up brain, and encouraged him to +perseverance in his matrimonial quest. And when he had won that +invaluable lady, he would stuff his mattress with receipted +bills, and cram his pillow with cancelled notes, lie down to +pleasant dreams, and awake to ready cash. + +Sweet thought! + +So he made ready to visit the humble abode of MADAME CARZO, THE +BRAZILIAN ASTROLOGIST, _No. 151 Bowery_. + +To say that he discovered, in this lady, the ideal of his search, +that he found her handsome, intelligent, learned in the stars and +thoroughly posted in the other branches of her trade, would be +to anticipate. Suffice to say that boa-constrictors, half-naked +savages, dye-woods, Jesuit’s bark, cockatoos, scorpions and +ring-tailed monkeys, are not, as he had hitherto supposed, the +only contributions to the happiness of mankind afforded by South +America, for the Province of Brazil grows fortune-tellers of a +very superior quality as to respectability and neatness of +appearance. A Brazilian witch was something new, and without +stopping to inquire how she had strayed so far away from home, he +immediately argued that that single fact was decidedly in her +favor. Thus ran the logic: + +If there be any diabolism in modern witchcraft, the practisers +thereof who have received their education in tropical latitudes +ought to be the most worthy of credence and belief, inasmuch as +the temperature of their places of residence seems to afford a +supposition that they live nearer head-quarters, and are, +therefore, most likely to receive information by the shortest +routes. + +By the time he arrived at the spot where the great astrologist +condescended to abide, he had, by this course of reasoning, +convinced himself that he ought to place implicit confidence in +any revelations of the future made by the mysterious woman who +advertised herself and her calling, daily in the papers as +follows: + + “MADAME CARZO, the gifted Brazilian Astrologist, tells + the fate of every person who visits her with wonderful + accuracy, about love, marriage, business, property, + losses, things stolen, luck in lotteries, absent + friends, at No. 151 Bowery, corner of Broome.” + +The South American lady had located her mysterious self in a +fragrant spot. + +The corner of Bowery and Broome Street and vicinity seems to have +some kind of a constitutional disorder, and it relieves itself by +a cutaneous eruption of low rum shops and pustulous beer saloons, +which always look as if they ought to be squeezed and rubbed with +ointment of red lead. To an observing person it appears as if the +city wanted to scratch itself in that particular part to relieve +the local irritation, and then ought, for the sake of its general +health, to take a large dose of brimstone immediately afterward. +The liquors sold at these places are those pure and healthful +beverages, “warranted to kill at forty rods,” and are the very +drinks with which a convivial, but revengeful man, would wish to +regale his friend against whom he held a secret grudge. Why +Madame Carzo had chosen this particular locality, does not +appear; perhaps because the liquor was cheap and the rent low. +Certain it is that there she sat, at a window overlooking the +Bowery, in full view of all the pedestrians in the street and the +passengers in the 4th Avenue Railroad. + +Madame Carzo was, doubtless, deeply attached to her old Brazilian +home, and loved to surround herself with circumstances and things +that would constantly and vividly recall pleasant memories of her +southern country. Cherishing, probably, kindly and regretful +remembrances of the harmless reptiles of her own Brazilian +forests, she had taken up her abode in the very thick of the +Bowery bar-rooms, as the only things afforded by our frigid +climate, at all approaching in life-destroying malignity the +speedier venoms to which she had been accustomed in her +delightful southern home. First-rate facilities for drugging a +man into a state of crazy madness are offered at the bar across +the way; he may swill himself into a condition of beastly +stupidity with lager beer from next door below; he may be +pleasantly poisoned by degrees with the drugged alcohol, in +various forms, which is sold next door above; or he may be more +speedily disposed of with a couple of doses of “doctored” whiskey +from the festering den just round the corner. Lucrezia Borgia was +a novice, a mere babe in toxicology. New York wholesale liquor +dealers could teach her the alphabet in the fine art of slow +poisoning. She would no longer need the subtle chemistry of the +Borgias; she could learn of them to poison wholesale and to do +the work by labor-saving machinery. + +Johannes, resolved that if he should marry the astrologist he +would move out of the neighborhood, and take a house in a cleaner +part of the city, for he felt that if he had to do even the +courting here, he would have to fumigate himself after every +visit to his lady-love as though he had just come out of a +yellow-fever ship. He knew that if he should chance to meet the +Health Officer in the street after a two hours’ stay in that +locality, that trusty official would, from the unhealthy smell of +his coat, quarantine him for forty days, and put him up to his +neck in a barrel of chloride of lime every morning. + +But a full-fledged Cupid is a plucky animal, and not easily +killed by anything no more tangible than smell, and the +particular Cupid that had possession of the voyager’s heart came +of a long-suffering breed, and was equal to almost any emergency. +So as Johannes did not feel his ardent passion die, or even turn +sick at the stomach, he thought he could manage to get through. +If he couldn’t get along any other way, he could fill his pockets +with brimstone matches, and his boots full of blue vitriol. Or +he could carry a bunch of Chinese fire-crackers in his hat, and +touch them off on the sly whenever he felt himself in need of a +healthy smell. Then he could wash himself all over in lime-water, +and drink a quart or so of some liquid disinfectant every time he +came away. So he went ahead. + +Madame Carzo, the Brazilian interpreter of Yankee fate and +fortunes, lives in the third story of the house No. 151 Bowery, +with her sister, a girl of about fifteen years of age. The two +occupy themselves with plain sewing, except when the Madame is +overhauling the future and taking a look at the hereafter of some +anxious inquirer, who pays her as much for the reliable +information she imparts in three minutes, as she would charge him +for making three shirts. The inquirer gave his customary modest +ring at the door, and was admitted with as little question as if +he had been the taxes, the Croton water, or the gas. Up the two +flights of stairs walked the gentleman in the pursuit of +witchcraft, gave a bashful knock at the door, at the side of +which was painted, on a small bit of pasteboard, “Madame +Carzo”—repented of his temerity before the echo of the knock had +died away, but was admitted into the room before his repentance +had time to develop itself into running away. + +A shabby-looking girl, with her hair in as much confusion as if +the city had contracted to keep it straight, with one ear-ring in +her ear, and the other on the table, with her shoes down at the +heel, her dress unhooked behind, and her breast-pin wrong side +up, was the model young woman who had answered the knock. She had +evidently been engaged in an animated single combat with another +young woman, of about the same quality and age, who was seated on +a low stool in the corner, for she instantly renewed hostilities +by stabbing her antagonist in the arm with a needle, tapping her +on the head with a thimble, and kicking her pin-cushion under the +table, so she could not recover it without crawling on her hands +and knees. + +On a small sofa or lounge at the side of the room was a quantity +of what ladies call “work,” thrown down in a great hurry, with +the needle yet sticking in it, and the scissors, and the beeswax, +and the measuring tape, and the bodkin half-concealed inside, as +if the knock at the door had startled the needle-woman, and she +had flown to parts unknown. It was undoubtedly Madame Carzo +herself who had so unceremoniously deserted her colors and her +weapons, and Johannes looked at the needle with veneration, +viewed the thimble with respect, and regarded the beeswax and the +bodkin with concentrated awe. + +A small cooking-stove was in the side of the room, and +immediately over it was a picture of St. Andrew in such a +position that he could smell all the dinners; a number of other +pictures of Roman Catholic subjects were neatly framed and +hanging against the wall. St. Somebody taking his ease on an +X-shaped cross, St. Somebody Else comfortably cooking on a +gridiron, and St. Somebody, different from either of these, +impaled on a spear like a bug in an Entomological Museum. There +was also an atrocious colored print labelled “Millard Fillmore,” +which, if it at all resembled that venerated gentleman, must +have been taken when he had the measles, complicated with the +mumps and toothache, and was attired in a sky-blue coat, a red +cravat, yellow vest, and butternut-colored pantaloons. + +The room was neatly furnished with carpet, table, chairs, cheap +mirror, and a lounge. While the visitor was taking this +observation, the two young ladies before mentioned had continued +to spar after a feminine fashion, and had finished about three +rounds; the model, who had answered the bell, had got the other +one, who was black-haired and vicious, under the table, and was +following up her advantage by sticking a bodkin into the tender +places on her feet and ancles. When the model had at length +thoroughly subjugated and subdued the black-haired one, and +reduced her to a state of passive misery, she turned to her +visitor with an amiable smile, and asked him if he desired to see +the Madame. Receiving an affirmative reply, she gave a sly kick +to her fallen foe, stepped on her toes under pretence of moving +away a chair, and then disappeared into another room to inform +Madame Carzo that visitors and dollars were awaiting her +respectful consideration in the anteroom. + +The “gifted Brazilian astrologist” regarded the suggestion with a +favorable eye, for the model soon reappeared and showed the +searcher after hidden knowledge into a bedroom nearly dark, +wherein were several dresses hanging on the wall, a bed, two +chairs, a table, and Madame Carzo. The light was so arranged as +to fall directly in the face of the stranger, while the +countenance of the Madame was, to a certain extent, hidden in +shadow. + +Johannes, nevertheless, in spite of this disadvantage, by careful +observation, is enabled to give a tolerably accurate description +of Madame Carzo, as follows: She is a tall, comely-looking woman, +with unusually large black eyes, clear complexion, dark hair worn +_à la Jenny Lind_, a small hand, clean, and with the nails +trimmed, and she has a low sweet voice. Her dress was lady-like, +being a neat half-mourning plaid, with a plain linen collar at +the neck, turned smoothly over; altogether, Madame Carzo, the +Brazilian astrologist, who speaks without a symptom of foreign +accent, impressed her customer as being a transplanted Yankee +school ma’am, with shrewdness enough to see that while +civilization and enlightenment would only pay her twenty dollars +a month, and superstition and ignorance would give her twice that +sum in a week, she couldn’t, of course, afford to live in a +civilized and enlightened neighborhood, and depend exclusively on +civilization and enlightenment for a living. + +And Johannes was smitten, he had found her, and if his fortune +was propitious he would yet win and wed the Brazilian astrologist, +and she should have the honor of paying his debt, and earning his +bread and butter. But he would make no advances yet for fear of +accidents; he would not commit himself until he had called upon +the rest of the witches on his list, to see, if perchance, he +might not find one more eligible. If not, then by all means +Madame Carzo should be the chosen one. The first thing evidently +was to ascertain her proficiency in the magic arts. + +The sorceress and the anxious inquirer seated themselves face to +face, and the following dialogue ensued: “Do you wish to consult +me, Sir?” “Yes.” + +“My terms are a dollar for gentlemen.” + +The expected dollar was handed over, when the ’cute Yankeeism of +the Brazilian lady blazed out brilliantly, for she instantly +produced a “Thompson’s Bank-note Detector” from under a pillow, +and a one dollar note, issued by the President and Directors of +the “Quinnipiack Bank” of Connecticut, underwent a severe +scrutiny. At last the genuineness of the bill and the solvency of +the bank were certified to the Madame’s satisfaction, in his +oracular pamphlet, by Thompson with a “p,” and Madame Carzo was +evidently satisfied that her customer didn’t mean to swindle her, +but was good for small debts not exceeding one dollar each. +Accordingly she took his left hand, regarded it for some time, +apparently delighted with its model symmetry, but at last so far +conquered her silent admiration as to speak and say: + +“You were born under two planets, Moon and Mars, Moon brings you +a great deal of trouble in the early part of your life. Moon has +occasioned a great deal of anxiety to your parents on your +account. Moon made you liable to accidents and misfortunes while +you was a boy, and Moon will give you great trouble until you +arrive at middle age. You were born, I should say, across the +water, and you will die across the water in a city, but not a +great city. You are, I should say, now far away from that city, +and from your home, and parents, and friends, who are, I should +say, all now far across the water. You will be sure, however, I +should say, for to see them all before you die, and to die in the +city that I told you of. Your line of life runs to 60; you will, +I should say, live to be 60, but not much after. Moon will cause +you much trouble for many years, but you will be certain for to +succeed well in the end, I should say. You will be certain for to +have final success and to conquer every obstacle, in spite of +Moon, I should say.” + +Incensed as was Johannes at Moon for thus unjustifiably +interfering with his prospects and meddling with his private +affairs, he still admired the more the profitable science of the +wonderful lady whose acquirements in magic had given her so +intimate an acquaintance with Moon, as to enable her to tell so +exactly the plans and intentions of that unruly and adverse +planet. + +He mastered his indignation and listened attentively to the +sequel. + +On the small stand were two packs of cards of different sizes, +and a volume of Byron. Madame Carzo took up one pack of the +cards, presented them to the young man, waited for them to be cut +three times, after which she said: + +“You face up a good fortune I should say, you have had trouble +but can now, I should say, see the end of it—you face up money, +which is coming to you from over the water, I should say, and you +will be sure for to get it before a great while. You will never +have much money from relations or friends, though you will, I +should say, perhaps have some—but though you will handle a great +deal of money in your lifetime you will make the most of it +yourself, I should say—you will not, however, I should say, ever +be able for to become very rich, for you will never be able for +to keep money, although you will have the handling of a great +deal in your life. No, I am certain that you will never be rich.” + +Here Johannes remembered the malicious influence of Moon upon his +fortunes, and as he clinched his fists, felt as if he would like +to get at the man who resides in that ill-conditioned planet, and +have a back-hold wrestle with him on stony ground. + +But the astrologist continued thus: “You face up a letter; you +also face up good news which is to come speedily I should say; +you don’t face up a sick bed, or a coffin, or a funeral, or any +kind of immediate bad luck that I am able to see. You face up two +men, one dark and one light complexioned. You must beware of the +dark-complexioned man, for I should say he will do you an injury +if you allow him for to have a chance. You like to study: the +kind of business you would do best in is _doctor_. You face up a +light-complexioned lady; you will, I should say, be able to marry +this lady, though a dark-complexioned man stands in the way. You +must, I should say, be particularly careful to beware of the +dark-complexioned man. You will be married twice; your first wife +will die, but your last wife, I should say, will be likely for to +outlive you. You will have three children, which will be all, I +should say, that you will be likely for to have.” + +And this was all for the present, except that she told her +visitor that he might draw thirteen cards, and make a wish, which +he did, and she, on carefully examining the cards, told him that +he would certainly have his wish. + +Cheered by this last grateful promise, and bidding a mental +defiance to Moon, the traveller left the room. In the reception +chamber he found the model and the black-eyed one just coming to +time for what he should judge was the twenty-seventh round, both +much damaged in the hair, but plucky to the last. + +Johannes walked briskly away, feeling that his matrimonial +prospects were brighter now than for many a day, and fully +determined that if, on going further he fared worse, he would +certainly retrace his steps and wed Madame Carzo off-hand. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +In which is set down the prophecy of Madame Leander Lent, of No. +163 Mulberry Street; and how she promised her Customer numerous +Wives and Children. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +MADAME LEANDER LENT, No. 163 MULBERRY STREET. + + +I have before suggested, in as plain terms as the peculiar nature +of the subject will allow, that these fortune-telling women, +having most of them been prostitutes in their younger days, in +their withered age become professional procuresses, and make a +trade of the betrayal of innocence into the power of Lust and +Lechery. This assertion is so eminently probable that few will be +inclined to dispute it, but I wish to be understood that this is +no matter of mere surmise with me—it is a proven fact. And the +evidences of its truth have been gathered, not alone from the +formal and hurried records of the police courts, but from the +lips of certain inmates of various Magdalen Asylums who have +been reclaimed from their former homes of shame; and from the +mouths of other repentant women, who, under circumstances where +there was no object to deceive, and at times when their hearts +were full of grateful love for those who had interposed to save +them from utter despair, have in all simple truthfulness and +honor, related their life-histories. It is impossible to give +even a plausible guess at the aggregate number of young women, in +this great city, who compromise their honorable reputations in +the course of a single year; but of those whose shame becomes +publicly known, and especially of those who eventually enter +houses of ill-repute, the percentage whose fall was accomplished +through the instrumentality, more or less direct, of the +professional fortune-tellers, is astounding. And a curious fact +connected with this subject is, that of these unfortunates who +thus wander astray, not one in ten but has ever after the most +superstitious and implicit faith in the supernatural powers of +the witch. Each one sees in her own case certain things that have +been foretold to her by the fortune-teller with such circumstantiality +of time and place, and which have afterwards “come to pass,” so +exactly in accordance with the prophecy, that she can only +account for it by ascribing supernatural prescience to the +prophetess. + +The true solution of the matter is, of course, that the wonderful +fulfilments are achieved by means of confederacy and collusion +with parties with whom the dupe is never brought in contact; a +common _modus operandi_ of this sort is elsewhere described. + +Nor are the fortune-tellers and the brothel-keepers by any means +content with playing into each other’s hands in a general sort of +way; there are, in New York, several _firms_, consisting each of +a fortune-teller and a mistress of a bawdy-house, who have +entered into a perfectly organized business partnership, and who +ply their fearful trade with as much zeal and enthusiasm as is +ever exhibited in the active competition between rival commercial +houses engaged in legitimate trade. + +Although this fact is one that cannot be substantiated by the +production of any sworn documents, it is as well proven by the +observations of keen-eyed detectives attached to the police +department, and to some of the charitable institutions of this +city, as though attested articles of co-partnership could be +exhibited with the signatures of the contracting parties attached +thereto. A gentleman of this city, in whose word I have the most +perfect confidence, tells me that he once, by a curious accident, +overheard a business consultation between the two members of such +a firm; and that such partnerships _do_ exist, and that by their +means hundreds of ignorant young women, of the lower classes, are +every year betrayed to their moral ruin, I no more doubt than I +doubt the rotundity of the earth. + +If the illustrious woman who is the subject of the present +chapter should ever surmise that the foregoing observations are +intended to have a personal application to herself, the author +will give her much more credit for sagacity and discernment than +he did for supernatural wisdom. + +Madame Leander Lent is one of the most shrewd, unscrupulous, and +dirty of all the goodly sisterhood of New York witches. She has +so great a run of customers that her doors are often besieged by +anxious inquirers as early as eight o’clock in the morning, and +the servant is frequently puzzled to find room and chairs to +accommodate the shame-faced throng, till her ladyship sees fit to +get out of bed and begin the labors of the day. She is then +impartial in the distribution of her favors; the audiences are +governed by barber-shop rules, and the visitors are admitted to +the presence in the order of their coming, and any one going out +forfeits his or her “turn” and on returning must take position at +the tail end of the queue. + +The Fates show no favoritism. + +The quarter in which Madame Lent has domiciled herself and her +familiars, is by no means in the most aristocratic part of the +city. “Mulberry,” is the pomological name of the street, and it +has never been celebrated for its cleanliness or for its +eligibility as a site for princely mansions. In fact it has +been, on the whole, rather neglected by that class of society who +generally indulge in palatial luxuries. + +Hercules, in his capacity of an amateur scavenger, once attempted +the cleaning of the Augean stables, or some such trifle, and his +success was trumpeted throughout the neighborhood as a triumph of +ingenuity and perseverance. If Hercules would come to Gotham and +try his hand at the purgation of Mulberry Street, our word for +it, he would, in less than a week, knock out his brains with his +own club in utter despair. + +There never yet were swine with stomachs strong enough to feed +upon the garbage of its gutters, or with instincts so perverted +as to wallow in its filth. Dogs, lean and wild-eyed, the outcasts +of the canine world, sometimes, driven by sore stress of hunger, +sneak here with drooping tails and shame-faced looks, to search +for bones, and then, wounded in their self-respect by the very +act, they drag their osseous provender to a distance, and upon +some sunny mud-heap, dine in dainty neatness. The very pavement +is broken into countless hillocks and ruts like waves, as if, in +utter disgust at the place and its associations, the street was +trying to roll itself away in stony billows. The shattered wrecks +of worn-out drays and carts stand forsaken in the street, keeping +each other dismal company, while an occasional shackly wheelbarrow +makes the place look as though, after some monstrous fashion, it +were a lying-in hospital for poverty-stricken vehicles, and the +wheelbarrows were the new-born children, decrepit even in their +babyhood. The houses in this pleasant vale have a disheartened +tumble-down look, and give the impression of having been +originally built by apprentices out of second-hand material. They +lean maliciously over the narrow sidewalks, and keep up a +constant threatening of a sudden collapse and a general smash of +passers-by. If the houses are not dirtier than the street, it is +only because every possible element of filth enters into the +latter; if they are not dirtier inside than outside, it is +because superlatives have no superlative. + +Pawnbrokers’ shops are plentiful, kept always by sharp-featured +restless Jews, who watch for unwary passers-by like unclean +beasts crouching in noisome, dangerous lairs; while bar-rooms +yawn in frequent cellars to devour bodily the victims the Jews +only rob. + +In this, one of the dirtiest streets in this dirty metropolis, +directly opposite the English Lutheran Church of St. James, in +one of the dirtiest tenant-houses in the street, abideth Madame +Leander Lent, the prophetess. Why the mysterious powers didn’t +select an earthly representative with a more reputable dwelling-place +is a mystery; but there seems to be an inseparable congeniality +between prophetic knowledge and concentrated nastiness, utterly +beyond all power of explanation. The Madame advises the public of +her business in the terms following: + + “ASTROLOGY.—Madame LEANDER LENT can be consulted about + love, marriage, and absent friends; she tells all the + events of life at No. 169 Mulberry-st., first floor, + back room. Ladies 25 cents; gents 50 cents. She causes + speedy marriage. Charge extra.” + +Her customers are much more addicted to love than marriage, so +that the wedlock clause cannot be relied on to bring many fish to +the net, but it is supposed to give an air of respectability to +the advertisement. + +The Cash Customer was, perhaps, an exception to this general +rule, and feeling that he would on the whole rather like a +“speedy marriage,” and wouldn’t so much mind the “extra charge,” +he went, in cold blood, with this matrimonial intent to the +street, found the number, and heroically entered the house in the +very face of a threatened unclean baptism from the upper windows. + +His timid knock at the door of the room was answered by a sturdy +“Come in,” from the inside; hat deferentially in hand he modestly +entered, and was received by a fat woman with a bust of +proportions exceeding those of Mrs. Merdle in “Little Dorrit,” +and who was attired in a dress which may have been clean in the +earlier years of its history, though the supposition is +exceedingly apocryphal. This lady pointed to a chair, and then +composedly seated herself and resumed her explorations with a +comb, in the hair of a vicious boy of about three years old, the +eldest scion of Madame Leander. + +Her enthusiasm in the cause of entomological science was too +ardent to be quenched by the mere presence of an observer, and +she continued to hunt her insect prey with all the ardor of a +she-Nimrod, and with a zeal that was rewarded by a brilliant +success. The youth, over whose fertile head the game seemed to +rove and range in countless numbers, was somewhat restless under +the operation, and oftentimes disturbed the eager sportswoman by +manifesting a desire to run into the street and carry the +hunting-ground with him, and was as often recalled to a sense of +the proprieties by a few judicious slaps, which he stoically +endured without a whimper, being evidently used to it. + +This feminine lover of the chase, this Diana of the fiery scalp, +looked up from her occupations long enough to say to her visitor +that Madame Lent would soon be disengaged. Meantime, he made a +careful survey of the premises. + +Two chairs, an old lounge with its dingy red cover fastened on +with pins, and a trunk covered with an old bit of carpet, were +the accommodations for seating visitors. A cooking-stove, and a +suspicious-looking wash-bowl which stood in the corner of the +room, without a pitcher, were probably for the accommodation of +the Madame and the lady with the comb. On the shabby lounge sat a +stolid-looking Irish girl, who was waiting her turn to have her +fortune told. Having fully comprehended the room and everything +in it, the visitor turned his attention to literary pursuits, and +thoroughly perused an odd copy of a newspaper that lay invitingly +on the table. + +Visitors kept dropping in, mostly servant-appearing girls, though +there were three women attired in silk and laces, who would have +appeared respectable had their faces been hidden and their +conversation been suppressed. The lady with the comb and the boy +presently departed to some unknown region, and soon returned +with a reinforcement of chairs and stools. The number of visitors +increased, until, besides the original stranger, nine were +waiting. Among others, there came, in a friendly way, but still +with a sharp eye to business, a tall woman, attired in a red +dress and a purple bonnet, who is the keeper of a well-known +house in Sullivan street, and whose name is not strange to the +police. An unrestrained business conversation ensued between her +and the heroine of the comb, which must have been interesting to +the female listeners. + +One hour and eleven minutes did the Cash Customer patiently wait +before he was admitted to the mysterious conference with the +queen of magic. At last, after the man who was at first closeted +with her had concluded his inquiries, and the stolid Irish girl +had been disposed of, the woman with the suggestive bust beckoned +the long-suffering and patient man to follow, and he fearfully +entered the sanctum. + +The room of conjuration was a closet, dark and dirty, and was +lighted by one tallow candle, stuck in a Scotch ale bottle. A +number of shabby dresses, bony petticoats, and other mysterious +articles of women’s gear, hung upon the walls; two weak-kneed +chairs, a tattered bit of carpet upon about two feet square of +the floor, and a little table covered with a greasy oilcloth, +composed the furniture of the mystic cell. The cabalistic +paraphernalia was limited, there being nothing but a dirty pack +of double-headed cards, a small pasteboard box with some scraps +of paper in it, and two kinds of powder in little bottles, like +hair-oil pots. + +Madame Lent is a woman of medium height, about thirty-five years +of age, with light-grey eyes, false teeth, a head nearly bald, +and hair, what there is of it, of a bright red. Her manner is +hurried and confused, and she has a trick of drawing her upper +lip disagreeably up under the end of her nose, which labial +distortion she doubtless intends for a smile. + +She was robed in a bright-colored plaid dress, a dirty lace +collar, and a coarse woollen shawl over her shoulders. Motioning +her visitor to one chair, she instantly seated herself in the +other, and, without demanding pay in advance, commenced +operations. She handed the cards to be cut, and then laying them +out in their piles, uttered the following sentences: + +“I see that your fortune has been and is quite a curious one. +Your cards run rather mixed up, you have been very much worried +in your head, you were born under two planets, which means that +you have seen a great deal of trouble in your younger days, but +you are now getting over it and your cards run to better luck, +but it is rather mixed up, your cards run to a lady, she is +light-haired and blue-eyed, but she is jealous of you, for +sometimes you treat her more kinder and sometimes more harsher, +and just now she is in trouble and very much mixed up about you. +There is a man of black hair and eyes, a dark-_complected_ man +who pretends to be your friend and is very fair to your face, but +you must beware of him, for he is your secret enemy and will do +you an injury if he can; he is trying to get the lady, but I +don’t think he’ll do it, though I don’t know, for the thing is +so much mixed up—he has deceived you, and the lady has deceived +you, they have both deceived you, but now they have got mixed up, +and she turns from him with scorn, and seems to like you the +best—I don’t exactly see how it all is, for it seems rather mixed +up like—you must persevere, you must coax her more; you can coax +her to do anything, but you can’t drive her any more than you can +drive that wall—always treat her more kinder and never more +harsher, and she will soon be yours entirely—beware of the +dark-complected man; you must not talk so much and be so open in +your mind, and above all don’t talk so much to the dark-complected +man, for he seems to worry you, and your affairs and his are all +mixed up like.” + +Here her auditor expressed a desire to know something definite +and certain about his future wife, whereupon the red-haired +prophetess shuffled the cards again with the following result: + +“You will have but one more wife. She will be good and true, and +will not be mixed up with any dark-complected man. She will be +rich and you will be rich, for your business cards run very +smooth, but your marriage cards do not run very close to you, and +you will not be married for six or eight months; you will have +three children; you will see your future wife within nine hours, +nine days, or nine weeks; do not blame me if it runs into the +tens, but I tell you it will fall within the nines. Another man +is trying to get her away from you, he is a light-complected man, +he has had some influence over her, but she now turns from him +with disdain, and she will be yours and yours only—things are a +little worried and mixed up now, but she will be yours and yours +only, the light-complected man can’t hurt you. I have something +that I can give you that will make her love you tender and true; +it will force her to do it and she won’t have no power to help +herself, but you can do with her just what you please; I charge +extra for that.” + +Here was a chance to procure a love-philtre at a reasonable rate, +and unless the dark woman kept that article ready made and done +up in packages to suit customers, he could observe the terrible +ceremonies with which it was prepared, listen to the spells and +incantations with an attent eye, and take mental notes of all the +mighty magic. The opportunity was too good to be lost, and he at +once signified his desire to try a little of the extra witchcraft, +and his willingness to draw on his purse for the requisite amount +of ready cash to purchase this gratification of a laudable curiosity. + +Madame Lent now assumed an air of the most intense gravity, and +shook into a very dirty bit of paper a little white powder from +one of the pomatum pots, and a corresponding quantity of grayish +powder from pot No. 2, and stirred them carefully together with +the tip of her finger. When she had mixed them to her liking she +folded the diabolical compound in a small paper. Then she +prepared another mixture in the same manner, and made a pretence +of adding another ingredient from a little pasteboard box, which +probably hadn’t had anything in it for a month. Folding this +also in a paper she presented them both to her interested guest, +with these directions: + +“You must shake some of the first powder on your true-love’s +head, or neck, or arms, if you can, but if you can’t manage this, +put it on her dress—the other powder you must sprinkle about your +room when you go to bed to-night—this will draw her to you, and +she will love you and you alone and can’t help herself; this will +surely operate, if it don’t, come and tell me.” + +One more cabalistic performance and the hocus-pocus was ended. +She desired her customer to give her the first letter of his true +love’s name. He, unabashed by the unexpected demand, with great +presence of mind promptly invented a sweetheart on the spot, and +extemporized a name for her before the question was repeated. +Then the mysterious Madame required his own initial, which, being +obtained, she wrote the two on slips of paper with some mystic +figures appended, in manner following. E., 17; M., 24. Then she +shiveringly whispered: + +“You must do as I told you with the powders before eleven o’clock +to-night, for between the hours of eleven and twelve I shall boil +your name and hers in herbs which will draw her to you, and she +can’t help herself but will be tender and true, and will be yours +and yours only. When she is drawed to you then you must marry +her.” + +The anxious inquirer promised obedience, and agreed to give the +powders as per prescription, before the midnight cookery should +commence, paid his dollar (fifty cents for the consultation and a +like sum for the love-powders), and made his exit with a +comprehensive bow, which included the Madame, the bony petticoats, +the beer-bottle, and the fast-vanishing remains of the single +tallow-candle in one reverential farewell. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +Wherein are inscribed all the particulars of a visit to the +“Gipsy Girl,” of No. 207, Third Avenue, with an allusion to Gin, +and other luxuries dear to the heart of that beautiful Rover. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +THE GIPSY GIRL. + + +There is much less affectation of high-flown and lofty-sounding +names among the ladies of the black-art mysteries, than might +very naturally be expected. Most of them are content with plain +“Madame” Smith, or unadorned “Mrs.” Jones, and “The Gipsy Girl” +is almost the only exception to this rule that is to be +encountered among all the fortune-tellers of the city. + +This arises from no poverty of invention on their part, but from +a sound conviction that in this case, simplicity is an element of +sound policy. There has been no lack of “mysteriously gifted +prophetesses,” and of “astonishing star readers;” there have +been, I believe, within the last few years, a “Daughter of +Saturn,” and a “Sorceress of the Silver Girdle;” and once the +“Queen of the Seven Mysteries” condescended to sojourn in Gotham +for five weeks, but on the whole it has been found that a more +modest title pays better. To be sure, the “Daughter of Saturn” +was tried for conspiring with two other persons to swindle an old +and wealthy gentleman out of seventeen hundred dollars, and the +“Queen of the Seven Mysteries” was dispossessed by a constable +for non-payment of rent; and these untoward circumstances may +have acted as a “modest quencher” on the then growing disposition +to indulge in fantastic and romantic appellations. + +At this present time “The Gipsy Girl” enjoys almost a monopoly of +this sort of thing, and she is by no means constant to one name, +but sometimes announces herself as “The Gipsy Woman,” “The Gipsy +Palmist,” and “The Gipsy Wonder,” as her whim changes. + +This woman has not been in New York years enough to become +complicated in as many rascalities as some of her elder sisters +in the mystic arts, but her surroundings are of a nature to +indicate that she has not been backward in her American education +on these points. She has not been remarkably successful in making +money, as a witch; not having been educated among the strumpets +and gamblers of the city she lacked that extensive acquaintance +on going into business, that had secured for her rivals in trade +such immediate success. Her fondness for gin has also proved a +serious bar to her rapid advancement, and has given not a few of +her customers the idea that she is not so eminently trustworthy +as one having the control of the destinies of others should be. +In fact, she loves her enemy, the bottle, to that extent, that +she has many times permitted her devotion to it to interfere +seriously with her business, leading her to disappoint customers. +The quality of her sober predictions is about the same as that of +others in the same profession, but her intoxicated foretellings +are deserving of a chapter to themselves, and they shall have it, +for from force of peculiar circumstances, which will be +explained hereafter, the Cash Customer made three visits to this +celebrated woman. Her first address was 207 3d Avenue, between +Eighteenth and Nineteenth Streets. + +The Gipsy Girl! How romantically suggestive was this feminine +phrase to the fancy of an enthusiastic reporter. Was it then, +indeed, permitted that he should know Meg Merrilees in private +life? His heart danced at the poetic possibility, and his heels +would have extemporized a vigorous hornpipe but that his +saltatory ardor was quenched by the depressing sturdiness of +cow-hide boots. With the most pleasing anticipations he perused +the subjoined advertisement again and again, and looked to the +happy future with a joyful hope. + + “A Wonder—The Gipsy Girl.—If you wish to know all the + secrets of your past and future life, the knowledge of + which may save you years of sorrow and care, don’t fail + to consult the above-named palmist. Charge 50 cents. + The Gipsy has also on hand a secret which will enable + any lady or gentleman to win or obtain the affections + of the opposite sex. Charge extra. No. 207 3d av., + between 18th and 19th sts.” + +How the knowledge of all the secrets of his past life was to save +him years of sorrow and care at this late day he could not +exactly comprehend, and was willing to pay fifty cents for the +information. And then wasn’t it worth half a dollar to see a live +gipsy? Of course it was. + +Kettles, camp-fires, white tents under green trees, indigenous +brown babies and exotic white ones, with a panorama of empty +cradles and mourning mothers in the distance, moonlight nights, +midnight foraging excursions, expeditions against impertinent +game-keepers, demonstrations against hen-roosts—successful by +masterly generalship and pure strategic science—and the midnight +forest cookery of contraband game, surreptitious pigs and +clandestine chickens—were among the romantic ideas of a +delightful vagabond gipsy life that at once suggested themselves +to the mind of the Cash Customer. He did not really expect to +find the Third-Avenue gipsy camped out under a bed-quilt tent in +the lee of the house, or cooking her dinner in an iron pot over +an out-door fire in the back yard, but he had a vague undefined +hope that there would be some visible indications of gipsy life, +if it was nothing more than the pawn-tickets for stolen spoons. + +He thought to find at least one or two beautiful babies knocking +about, decorated with coral necklaces and golden clasps, +suggestive of rich parents and better days, and had firmly +resolved to send the little innocents to the alms-house by way of +improving their condition. Full of these romantic notions, the +reporter started on his philanthropic mission, taking the +preliminary precaution of leaving at home his watch and +pocket-book, and carrying with him only small change enough to +pay the advertised charges. + +In one of those three-story brick houses so abounding in this +city, which seem to have been built by the mile and cut off in +slices to suit purchasers, in the Third Avenue above Eighteenth +Street, dwelt at that time the gay Bohemian. The building in +which she lived, though three stories in height, is very short +between joints, which style of architecture makes all the rooms +low and squat, as if somebody had shut the house into itself like +a telescope, and had never pulled it out again. + +Out of the chimney, which was the little end of the telescope, +issued a sickly smoke; and through a door in the lower story, +which was the big end thereof, was the stranger admitted by a +little girl. This girl was, probably, a pure article of gipsy +herself originally, but had been so much adulterated by partial +civilization that she combed her hair daily and submitted to +shoes and stockings without a murmur. Ragged indeed was this +reclaimed wanderer; saucy and dirty-faced was this sprouting +young maiden, but she was sharp-witted, and scented money as +quickly as if she had been the oldest hag of her tribe; so she +asked her customer to walk up stairs, which he did. She herself +went up stairs with a skip and a whirl, showed her visitor into +the grand reception room with a gyrating flourish, and disappeared +in a “courtesy” of so many complex and dizzy rotations that she +seemed to the eyes of the bewildered traveller to evaporate in a +red flannel mist. As soon as she had spun herself out of sight he +recovered his presence of mind and looked about him. + +The romantic gipsy who sojourned here had tried to furnish her +rooms like civilized people, doubtless out of respect to her many +patrons. A thread-bare carpet was under foot; a little parlor +stove with a little fire in it was standing on a little piece of +zinc, and did its little utmost to heat the room; an uncomfortable +looking sofa covered with shabby and faded red damask graced one +side of the apartment, and a lounge, of curtailed dimensions, +partially covered with shreds of turkey red calico, adorned +another side. + +This latter article of furniture, with its tattered cover, +through which suspicious bits of curled hair peeped out, and wide +crevices in its rickety frame were plainly visible, looked much +too suggestive of cockroaches and other insect delicacies of the +season to be an inviting place of repose. + +Three chairs were dispersed throughout the room, on one of which +the reporter bestowed himself, and the rest of the furniture +consisted of a table, so exceedingly shaky and sensitive in the +joints that it might have been the grim skeleton of some former +table, loosely hung together with unseen wires; and a cheap +looking-glass that had suffered so serious a comminuted fracture +as to be past all surgery—this was all except some little plaster +images of saints, strangers to the Cash Customer, and a black +rosary, which article would seem to show that efforts had been +put forth to Christianize this nut-brown gipsy maid. + +A clinking of glasses was heard in the adjoining apartment, then +the door was opened with an independent flirt, and the gay +Bohemian appeared on the scene. + +If it were desired to fancy visions of enchanting loveliness it +would be necessary to insert therein other ingredients than the +gipsy girl of the Third Avenue; alone she would be insufficient; +too much would be left to the imagination; and in any event the +illusion would be too great to last long. + +She is of medium height, her eyes are brown and bright, and her +hands are very large and red. She has no hair, but wears a +scratch red wig, which gives her head a utilitarian character. +Her face is deeply pitted with the small-pox, more than +pitted—gullied, scarred, and seamed, as though some jealous rival +had been trying to plough her complexion under; little short +light hairs are thinly scattered on her cheek bones and upper +lip, and in the shadows of the little ridges that disease had +left, irresistibly compelling the mind to make an absurd +comparison of her face with a sterile field, and imagine that at +some past day it had been spaded up to plant a beard, which had +only grown in scanty patches, here and there. Her nails were +horny and ill-shaped, and underneath them and at their roots were +large deposits of dirt and other fertilizing compounds, under the +stimulating influence of which they had grown lank and long. Her +attire was a sort of cross between the picturesque wildness of +the gipsy, and the more civilized and unbecoming dress of Third +Avenue Christians. + +She was apparelled, principally, in a red flannel jacket, and a +check handkerchief, which was passed under her chin and tied on +the top of her wig, where the knot looked like a blue butterfly. +There was a gown, but a series of subsoiling experiments would +have been necessary to determine the material and texture; the +surface was palpably dirt. Accompanying her there was a strong +smell of gin, and from the odor of the liquor the visitor judged +that it was a very poor article. + +This gay old gipsy drew a chair to the table, and sat down, not +in a graceful and composed manner, but more as if she had been +dumped from a cart. She soon partially recovered herself, and +straightened up slightly from the heap into which she had +collapsed, and, turning her head away from her customer, she +elaborately remarked: “Fifty cents and your left ’and.” + +The Individual made a careful search for his small change, and +fished out the exact amount which he promptly paid over. + +This delightful gipsy then took his left hand and looked at it +for a minute in an imbecile kind of way, as if she didn’t know +exactly what to do with it, and was undecided whether it was to +be made into soup, or she was to drink it immediately with warm +water and a little sugar. This last impression evidently +prevailed, for she tried to pour it into her apron, and only +recovered from her delusion when the fingers tangled themselves +up in the strings. Then a glimmering of the true state of the +case seemed to dawn upon her, and she began to have a dim idea +that she was expected to say something. + +Now the roving gipsy was not by any means intoxicated at this +time; that is to say, she may have been partaking of gin, or gin +and water, or may have been sucking sugar that had gin on it, or +she may have been taking a little gin and peppermint for a +stomach-ache, or she may have been bathing her head in gin, or +have been otherwise making use of that potent remedy as a +medicine, but she was by no means a subject for official +interference in case she had wandered into the street, but she +was, to tell the truth, not in her most clear-headed condition; +although probably she did not see more than one Cash Customer +sitting solemnly before her, still that one was quite as many as +she could well manage at that time. + +After the signal failure of her little demonstration on the hand +of her guest, she, by a strong effort, seemed to concentrate her +faculties, and after several trials she roused herself and spoke +as follows, emphasizing the short words with spiteful vindictiveness, +and paying the most particular attention to the improper aspiration +of the h’s. + +“You _are_ a person as _has_ seen a great deal _of_ dif—” + +The gay Bohemian here evidently desired to say “difficulty,” but +the word was a sad stumbling-block, a four-syllable rock ahead +which was too much for her powers in her then exhausted state of +mind; she charged on the unfortunate word boldly, however, and +tried to carry it by storm, but each time was repulsed with great +loss of breath—“a great deal of dif—dif—dif—diffle”—it was no +use, so she tried back and began again. + +“You _are_ a man as _has_ seen a great deal of _diffleculency_,” +was what she said, but it didn’t seem to satisfy her, so she +tried again, and after a number of trials she hit a happy medium +between “_dif_” and “_diffleculency_” and compromised on +“_difflety_,” which useful addition to the language she took +occasion to repeat as often as possible with an air of decided +triumph. + +“You _are_ a man as _has_ seen a great deal of difflety _and_ +trouble—I would not go _to_ say you ’ave been through too much +difflety _and_ trouble, still you ’ave seen difflety _and_ +trouble. If you had been a luckier man _in_ your past life you +_would_ not ’ave seen _so_ much difflety and trouble, still you +_’ave_ seen difflety _and_ trouble—I ’ope you will not see so +much difflety _and_ trouble _in_ the future—Life: you _will_ live +long; you will live _to_ be 69 years of _hage and will_ die of a +lingering disease—you _will_ be sick for a long time, and _will_ +not suffer much difflety and trouble—sixty-nine years of _hage_ +you _will_ live to be—Death: don’t think _of_ death; that is +_too_ far hoff a you _to_ think of—but you _will_ die when you +_are_ 69 years of hage, and you _may_ ’ope to go right hup to +’eaven, for you _will_ ’ave no more difflety and trouble +then—Money: you _will_ ’ave money, and you _will_ ’ave plenty of +money, but you must not look for money until _you_ ’ave reached +your middle _hage_—a distant Hinglish relative of yours _will_ +leave you money, but you _will_ ’ave difflety _and_ trouble in +getting it; do not hexpect _to_ get _this_ money without +difflety, no do not cherish _such_ a ’ope—hit _will_ be _in_ the +’ands of a man who wont hanswer your letters nor take notice of +your happlications, you _will_ ’ave _to_ cross the hocean +yourself; this money _will_ be a good deal of money _and_ will +make _you_ ’appy for the rest _of_ your days—Business: you _will_ +thrive in business, you _will_ never be hunfortunate in business, +you _will_ ’ave luck in business, you will always _do_ a good +business, may hexpect to make money _by_ large speculations in +business; difflety _and_ trouble in business you _will_ not +know—Great Troubles: you need not hexpect to ’ave many great +troubles _for_ you will not; you ’ave ’ad your great troubles +_in_ your hearly days—Sickness: you _will_ never see no sickness, +’ave no fear of sickness for you _will_ not see none; sickness, +do not care for it and make your mind _heasy_—Friends: you ’ave +_got_ many friends, both ’ere and helsewhere, your friends _will_ +be ’appy and you will be ’appy, there will be no difflety _and_ +trouble between you, you ’ave ’ad trouble with your friends, but +you face brighter days, be ’appy—Wives: you _will_ ’ave _but_ one +wife; in the third month _from_ now you _will_ ’ear from ’er, you +_will_ get a letter from ’er, and in the fourth month you _will_ +be married—she is not particularly ’andsome, nor she _is_ not +specially hugly, she ’as got blue heyes and brown ’air, _is_ +partickler fond of ’ome and is now heighteen years of +hage—’Appiness: you _will_ be the ’appiest people in _all_ the +land, you can’t himagine the ’appiness you _will_ ’ave—Children: +you _will_ ’ave three children, after you are married you _will_ +see no more difflety _and_ trouble; you _will_ die _in_ a foreign +land across the hocean but you _will_ die ’appy. ’Ope for +’appiness and ’ave _no_ huneasiness.” + +Thus prophesied the gay Bohemian, the nut-brown maid, the +dark-eyed oracle, the wise charmer, the female seer, the +beautiful sibyl, the lovely enchantress, the romantic “gipsy +girl” of the Third Avenue. + +Romance and poesy were effectually demolished by the overpowering +realities of dirt, vulgarity, cockneyism, ignorance, scratch-wigs, +bad English, and bad gin. Sadly the Individual walked down stairs +behind the gyrating girl, who reappeared with an agile pirouette, +twirled down on her toes, and opened the door with a dizzy +revolution that made her look as if her head and shoulders had +got into a whirlpool of petticoats, and were past all hope of +mortal rescue. The little chink, as of a bottle and glass, came +faintly from the apartment which is the home of the gipsy, and +the individual fancied that the gay Bohemian had returned to her +devotions. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +Contains a true account of the Magic Establishment of Mrs. +Fleury, of No. 263 Broome Street, and also shows the exact +quantity of Witchcraft that snuffy personage can afford for one +Dollar. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +MADAME FLEURY, No. 263 BROOME STREET. + + +From what the reader has already perused of the predictions and +prophecies of these modern dealers in magic, he will hardly think +them of a character to inspire any great degree of confidence in +the minds of people of ordinary common sense. Still less will he +be disposed to believe that merchants of “credit and renown;” +business men, engaged in occupations, the operations of which are +presumed to be governed by the nicest mathematical calculations, +are ever so far influenced by the miserable jargon of these +“fortune-tellers,” as to seriously consult them in business +matters of great importance. + +Such, however, is the humiliating truth. + +There are in New York city a number of merchants, bankers, +brokers, and other persons eminent in the business world, and +respectable in all social relations, who never make an important +business move in any direction, until after consultation with one +or another of the Witches of New York. + +There are many who are regular periodical customers, and who +visit the shrine of the oracle once a month, or once in six +weeks, as regularly as they make out their balance-sheets, or +take an account of stock, and who guide their future investments +and business ventures as much by the written fifty-cent prophecy +as by either of the other documents. + +Many country merchants have also learned this trick, and some of +them are in constant correspondence with the cheap sybils of +Grand Street; and others, when they come to the city for their +stock of goods for the next half year, visit their chosen +fortune-teller and get full and explicit directions how to +conduct their business for the coming six months. Of course, +these proceedings are conducted with the greatest possible +secrecy, and the attention of the writer was first awakened to +this fact by the indiscreet boastings of certain ones of the +witches themselves, who are not a little proud of their +influence, and after observations afforded ample proof and +corroboration of all he had been told. + +Great money enterprises have without doubt been seriously +affected by the yea or nay of the Bible and key, and perhaps the +Atlantic Cable Company would have received more hearty assistance, +and its stock more extensive subscriptions in Wall Street, if +certain ones of the fortune-tellers had possessed more faith in +its success, and had so advised their patrons. + +Incredible as these statements may seem, they are nevertheless +true, and this fact is another proof that gross superstition is +not confined to the low and filthy parts of the city, where rags +and dirt are the universal rule, but that it has likewise a +thrifty growth in quarters of the town where stand the palaces of +the “merchant princes,” and in avenues where rags are almost +unknown, and broadcloth, and gold, and fine-twined linen are the +common wear. + +It is said that certain counsel eminent in the learned profession +of the law, and that certain even of the judges of the bench, +have been known to consult the female practicers of the Black +Art, but the author has never been personally cognizant of a case +of this kind, and has no means of knowing whether the consultation +was intended to benefit the lawyer or the witch; whether the +former desired enlightenment as to the management of some knotty +professional point, or whether the latter wanted legal advice as +to some of the side branches of her business. + +_Mrs. Fleury_, whose domicile and mode of procedure are described +in this present chapter, has a large run of this sort of what may +be termed _respectable_ custom, and she does not fail to profit +by it to the utmost. She came to New York, from France, about six +or seven years ago, and at once established herself in the witch +business, which she could advertise extensively in the papers, +although the other branches of her profession, by which she +probably makes more money than by telling fortunes, would by no +means bear newspaper publicity. What these other branches are, +is more explicitly stated in other chapters of this book, and, in +fact, needs to be but hinted at, to be at once understood by +nearly all who read. + +Madame Fleury advertised the world of her arrival in America, and +of her supernatural powers, and in a short time customers began +to flock in. It is now her boast that she has as “respectable a +connexion” as any one in the trade, and that she has as great a +number of “regular, reliable customers,” as any conjuress in +America. She says that most of her “regular customers” visit her +once in six weeks, six being with her a favorite number, and she +not undertaking to guarantee her _business_ predictions for a +greater length of time. + +Whether she makes any discount from her ordinary prices to these +regular traders, she did not state, but probably witchcraft is +governed by the same rule as other commodities, and comes cheaper +to wholesale dealers. + +Duly armed and equipped with staff and scrip, and duly fortified +within by such stimulants as the exigencies of the case seemed +to demand, the Cash Customer set out for 263 Broome Street, and +after strict trial and due examination of the premises and the +people, he made the following report. + +It was a favorite remark of a learned though mistaken philosopher +of the olden time, that “you can’t make a whistle of a pig’s +tail.” The philosopher died, but his saying was accepted by the +world as an axiom—a bit of incontrovertible truth, eternal, +Godlike, fully up to par, worth a hundred per cent., with no +possibility of discount. Time, however, which often demonstrates +the fallibility of human wisdom, has not spared even this +oft-quoted adage; and now there is not a collection of curiosities +in the land which lacks a pig-tail whistle to proclaim in the +shrillest tones the falsity of the wise man’s proposition, and +the triumph of Yankee ingenuity. Had this same philosopher been +interrogated on the subject, he would undoubtedly have announced, +and with an equal show of probability on his side of the +argument, that “you can’t make a star-reading prophetess out of a +snuffy old woman;” but had he lived to the present day, the Cash +Customer would have taken great pleasure in exhibiting to him +these two apparently irreconcilable characters combined in a +single person, and that person Mrs. Fleury, who pays for the +daily insertion of the following advertisement in the newspapers. + + “ASTROLOGY.—MRS. FLEURY, from Paris, is the most + celebrated lady of the present age, in telling future + events, true and certain. She answers questions on + business, marriage, absent friends, &c., by magnetism. + Office No. 263 Broome-st.” + +There is not so much of promise in this paragraph, as there is in +some of the more grandiloquent announcements of the other +witches—not probably, that Madame Fleury is any less pretentious +than they, but her knowledge of the English language is not +perfect enough to enable her to give her ideas their full effect. + +The Cash Customer resolved to visit this “most celebrated lady of +the age,” who had come all the way from Paris, to tell his +“future events true and certain,” nothing daunted by the +circumstance that she lives in the filthiest part of Broome +Street, which has never been swept clean since it was a very new +Broome indeed. + +If our fancy farmers, who expend so much money upon the various +foreign manures and fertilizing compounds, would but turn their +eyes in the direction of Broome Street, a single glance would +convince them of the inexhaustible resources of their own +country, while guano would instantly depreciate in value, and the +island of Ichaboe not be worth a quarrel. This prolific and +valuable deposit that covers Broome Street bears perennial crops: +in the spring and summer, dirty-faced children and mean-looking +dogs seem to spring from it spontaneously; they are succeeded +during the colder weather by a crop of tumble-down barrels, and +cast-away broken carts; while the humbler and more insignificant +things, the uncared for weeds, so to speak, of the abundant +harvest, such as potato parings, and fish heads, and shreds of +ragged dish-cloths, and bits of broken crockery, and old bones, +are in season all the year round. + +In the midst of this filth, with policy-shops adjacent, and +pawnbrokers’ offices close at hand, and rum shops convenient in +the neighborhood—where the reeking streets and stagnant gutters, +and the heaps of decomposing garbage, send up a stench so thick +and heavy that it beslimes everything it touches, and makes a man +feel as if he were far past the saving powers of soap and soft +water, and was fast dissolving into rancid lard oil—in this +congenial atmosphere flourishes the prophetess, and here is found +the mansion of Mrs. Fleury, “the most celebrated lady of the age +in telling future events.” Her mansion is not one that would be +selected as a permanent residence by any one with a superabundance +of cash capital, nor did it seem quite suited to the deservings +of the “most celebrated lady of the present age;” the house, a +three-story brick, originally intended to be something above the +common, has been for so many years misused and badly treated by +reckless tenants, that it has completely lost its good temper, as +well as its good looks, and is now in a perpetual state of +aggravated sulkiness. It resents the presence of a stranger as +an impertinent intrusion, and avenges the personality in various +disagreeable ways. It twitches its rickety stairways impatiently +under his feet, as if to shake him off and damage him by the +fall—it viciously attempts to pinch and jam his fingers with +moody dogged doors, which hold back as long as they can, and then +close with a sudden snap, exceedingly dangerous to the unwary—it +tears his clothes with ambushed rusty nails, and unsuspected +hooks, and sharp and jagged splinters—it creaks its floors under +his tread with a doleful whine, and complains of his cruel +treatment in sharp-pointed, many-cornered tears of plaster, which +it drops from the ceiling upon his head the instant he takes his +hat off—it yawns its wide cellar doors open like a greedy mouth, +evidently hoping that an unlucky step will pitch him headlong +down—and it conducts itself in a thousand ill-natured ways like a +sulky child that has been waked up too early in the morning, and +not properly whipped into good behavior. The Individual, however, +entered the doors, unabashed by the malignant scowl which was +visible all over the face of the unamiable mansion, and stumbled +through a narrow, dirty hall, up two flights of groaning stairs, +before he discovered any sign of the whereabouts of Madame. She +evidently did not occupy the entire of this sulky edifice, or he +would have seen some of the servants or retainers, who would have +been only too happy to direct him to the head-quarters of the +sorceress. But the few people he saw about the place seemed to be +each one occupied with his or her own private affairs, and to be +too much taken up therewith to pay the slightest attention to the +new-comer. Their attentions to each other were confined to reproaches, +uncomplimentary assertions, and sundry maledictory remarks, accompanied, +in case of the younger members of the various tribes, with pinches, +pokes, punches, and small but frequent showers of brickbats. + +The Individual disregarded these evidences of good feeling, not +considering himself called upon to reply to any which were not +addressed to him individually, and plodded on till his roving +eye rested on a tin sign, on which was inscribed, “Madame Fleury, +Room No. 4.” There were no mysterious emblems or cabalistic +flourishes accompanying this simple announcement. + +He pulled the knob and the door was instantly opened by the lady +herself, so quickly that the bell had no time to ring until all +necessity for it was over—she had evidently heard the advancing +footsteps of her customer, and had stood ready to pounce upon +him. She ushered him into the apartment, where he soon recovered +his self-possession, and took an observation. + +The room was a small square one, shabbily furnished with very few +articles of furniture, and these were dimly visible through the +snuffy mist which filled the apartment; there was snuff +everywhere; there was a snuffy dust on the chairs; there was a +precipitate of snuff on the floor, and, if snuff was capable of +crystallization, there would undoubtedly have been stalactitic +formations of snuff depending from the ceiling; the Madame +herself was snuff-colored, as if she had been boiled in a +decoction of tobacco. + +She is a Frenchwoman, and has had about half a century’s +experience of her present fleshly tabernacle, which is somewhat +the worse for wear, although from the fossil remains of bygone +beauty, still visible in her ancient countenance, her customer +inclined to the belief that in some remote age she was comely and +pleasant to the eye. He founded this hypothesis upon the brown +hair and hazel eyes which time has spared. + +In respect to personal cleanliness, the Individual regrets to say +that the Madame was not in every respect what a critical observer +would wish to see; her hands and arms were in a condition which +would naturally lead to the belief that the Croton Corporation +had cut off the water; and under each of her finger-nails was a +dark-colored deposit, which may have been snuff, but looked like +something dirtier. She was dressed in a light striped calico +dress, over which was a black velvet mantle trimmed with fur, +and on her head was a portentous head-dress which was fearfully +and wonderfully made of shabby black lace; her face was in the +same condition as her hands and arms, as was also her neck, which +was only visible to the upper edge of the collar-bone—further +deponent saith not. + +She more nearly approached the Cash Customer’s notion of the +Witch of Endor, than any other lady he had ever heard mentioned +in polite society. She at once prepared for business. + +She seated herself behind a small stand, dusty with snuff, on +which were a number of little books on astrology, written in +French and German, and as dirty and as fragrant as if they had +been some kind of clumsy vegetable which had been grown in a +tobacco plantation. + +She asked her visitor if he spoke French or German, to which he +replied that, had he been conversant with all the languages +invented at the Babel smash-up, he would on this occasion, for +particular reasons, prefer to confine himself to English. He also +ventured an inquiry as to terms, upon which she produced a card +containing a list of her charges, printed in English, French, and +German. He learned from this dingy document that the prices of +telling fortunes by lines of the hand, by cards, and by the +stars, varied in amount from one to five dollars. The Individual +concluded that one dollar’s worth would suffice, and, approaching +the little table, he announced the result of his cogitations. The +enchantress, who was so saturated with snuff and tobacco that +every time her customer looked her in the face he sneezed, then +brought a pack of very filthy cards, which were covered over with +mysterious hieroglyphics done in black paint. She asked her +visitor to “cut” them, which he reverently though daintily did, +whereupon she laid them on the table before her in four rows, and +spoke, having previously explained that she used no witchcraft +but did all her wonders by the signs of the zodiac. The +Individual concentrated his attention, and listened with all his +ears while the witch of Broome Street spoke thus: + +“I will tell you first what these cards indicate, then I will +look at the lines of your hand, and then I will answer three +questions.” + +Here she paused, while her agitated listener sneezed a couple of +times; then she resumed, speaking with a strong foreign accent: + +“You are good disposition—have excellent memory, you don’t have +many enemy, but what you do is of your own sex—you are very frank +person and you was born in the sign of the Crab. You have some +lucky days which are Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays, whatever +you do on these days is well, but you shall not wash your hair on +Thursdays, if so, you will wash all your luck away. You must be +very careful of fire and water, you will be in great danger of +fire and water and you must be very careful. You may die by fire +or water, I cannot say but you must certain be very careful of +fire and water. You must also be very careful of dogs, very +careful of dogs, you may die by a dog, but you must certain be +very careful of dogs.” + +Here she paused again, and while her visitor was meditating +on the full force of what he had heard, and was inwardly +resolving to go immediately home, shoot Juno, and drown her +as-yet-unoffending-but-in-after-days-dangerous-to-his-peace-of- +mind-and-the-happiness-of-his-life pups, she prepared for the +second portion of her discourse. + +Taking the Individual’s hand in hers, a proceeding which made him +feel as if he had put his fingers into a bladder of Maccoboy, she +made the following prediction: “You will be the father of five +children, two of them will be boys, who will be a great comfort +to you when you grow old.” + +She spoke no good of the girls, and the customer foresaw feminine +trouble in his household with those same young ladies. Having a +few moments to himself before she resumed, he worked himself into +a great passion with the ungrateful hussies who were about to +treat their kind old father in so scandalous a manner; but +presently recollecting that they were as yet in the condition of +“your sister, Betsey Trotwood, who never was born,” he felt that +he was slightly premature in his wrath, so he cooled down and +resolved to make the best of it with his comfortable boys. + +The yellow sorceress continued: “Your line of life is long, and +you will live to a good old age. You have had much trouble in +love affairs, and now your first love is entirely lost to you. +You can never reclaim her, and you must never venture anything in +lotteries.” + +Whether Madame Fleury supposed that her visitor intended to spend +his salary in lottery tickets, in the hope of winning back his +early love, or whether she supposed that the woman then +exhibiting herself as “Perham’s Gift Lady,” was the person, is +not in evidence; but, from the peculiar construction of her last +remark, something of the kind must have been in her thoughts. She +had now reached the third part of her discourse, and come to the +“three questions.” She produced an old French Bible, dingy with +age and snuff, and which she informed the observer had been in +her family for three hundred years; an old iron key was tied +between the leaves, with the ring and part of the shank of the +key projecting, and the Bible was tightly bound round with many +folds of black ribbon. Making her visitor hold one side of the +ring of the key, while she held the other, she said: “Ask your +three questions, and if they are to be answered in the affirmative +the book will turn.” + +The Individual, who had been much impressed by her canine +observation of a few minutes before, and whose thoughts were +still running upon his pet Juno, and her six innocent offspring, +in a fit of absence of mind propounded this interrogatory: + +“Shall I marry the person of whom I am now thinking?” The potent +enchantress repeated the question aloud in French, and then, with +pale lips and trembling voice, she addressed the book and key +thus: + +“Holy Bible, I ask you, in the name of the Father, the Son, and +the Holy Ghost, will this man marry the person now in his +mind?”—then she closed her eyes for a moment, placed one hand +over her heart, and rapidly muttered something in so low a tone +that it was inaudible to her listener. Immediately the Bible +commenced to turn slowly towards her, and soon had made a +complete revolution, thus expressing a very decided affirmative. + +Having started a matrimonial subject with so satisfactory a +result, her customer thought he could do no better than to follow +it up, and accordingly asked question No. 2: + +“If I marry this person, will the marriage be a happy one?” The +same answer was given, in the same manner. Being now satisfied as +to his own matrimonial prospects, he concluded to ascertain those +of his children, and question No. 3 was asked, as follows: + +“Shall I live to see my children happily married?” + +There was a long delay, which was undoubtedly occasioned by the +difficulty of properly providing for those refractory girls, but +at last there came a reluctant “Yes.” + +Having now got all that his dollar entitled him to, the customer +prepared to depart. The Madame informed him that in a few days +she would have her “_Magic Mirror_” from Paris, with which she +could do new wonders, and she hoped that he would soon call +again, adding, “If I was ten year younger I would not admit +gentlemen, but now I am old and I must.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +Describes an interview with the “Cullud” Seer, Mr. Grommer, of +No. 34 North Second Street, Williamsburgh, and what that +respectable Whitewasher and Prophet told his Visitor. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +A BLACK PROPHET, MR. GROMMER, No. 34 NORTH SECOND STREET, +WILLIAMSBURGH. + + +Besides those who advertise in the daily journals, there are many +other witches in and about the city who do not deign so to inform +the world of their miraculous powers. Either they have not full +faith in their own supernatural gifts, or they distrust the +policy of advertising; at any rate they are only known to the +inquiring stranger by accidental rumors, and mysterious +side-whisperings emanating from those credulous ones who have had +ocular proof of the miracle-working facility of these veiled +prophets. + +In certain of the older States of the Union, there cannot +probably be found any country village that does not boast its old +crones of fortune-telling celebrity—women who are not named by +the awe-struck youngsters of the town, but with low breath and a +startled sort of look thrown backward over the shoulder every +minute as if in half-fear that the evil eye is even there upon +them. And in almost every neighborhood in any part of the +country, there will be one or more old women who delight in +mystifying the young folks by telling fortunes in tea-cups, by +means of the ominous settling of the “grounds;”—or who, +sometimes, even “run the cards,” or aspire to read the fates by +the portentous turning of the Bible and key. All these conjurations +are given without money and without price in the rural districts, +but they sometimes work no little mischief. + +There people do not advertise their willingness to read the +fates, and only exercise their gifts in that direction as a +matter of friendship to certain favored ones. The city and the +suburbs are full of people of this kind, who profess to know the +gift of prophecy and of miracles, but who do not make their whole +living by the exercise of their supernatural powers, depending +in part on some popular branch of industry. They differ, however, +from their sisters of the country in this regard; whenever they +do consent to do a little magic for the accommodation of an +anxious inquirer, they are very careful to charge him a round +price for it. Many of them combine fortune-telling with hard +work, and do their full day’s work of faithful toil at some +legitimate employment, and in the evening amuse themselves with +witchcraft. + +These are chrysalis witches; prophets in embryo; magicians in a +state of apprenticeship; they are learning the trade, and as soon +as they feel competent to do journey-work, they drop their hard +labor, and at once set up for full-fledged witches or conjurors. + +Mr. Grommer, the Black Sage of Williamsburgh, and his solid and +amiable wife, were in this half-way state when they were visited +by the Cash Customer. Their fame had reached his ears by the +means of some kind friends who were cognisant of his peculiar +investigations at that time, and who told him of the supernatural +gifts of this amiable old couple. + +Accordingly the Individual, having made exact inquiries as to +their local habitation, one fine morning set out in pursuit, and +in due time made up the following report. Since that time it is +reported that this worthy pair have followed the law of +progression hereinbefore hinted at, and having arrived at the +fulness of all magical knowledge, have laid aside the whitewash +pail and discarded the scrubbing-brush, and given their time +entirely to the practice of the Black Art. + +The Individual beginneth his discourse thus:— + +It is an old saying, that “The Devil is never so black as he is +painted.” What may be the precise shade of the complexion of his +amiable majesty the Cash Customer has no means of ascertaining to +an exact nicety at this present time of writing; but he makes the +positive assertion, that some of the Satanic human employees are +so black as to need no painting of any description. + +Whether or not the ancient “wise men from the East” were swarthy +skinned he is not competent to decide; but he is able to prove, +by ocular demonstration, to an unbelieving sceptic, that some of +the modern “wise men” are particularly “dark-complected.” + +Mrs. Grommer, of No. 34 North Second Street, in the suburb of +Williamsburgh, is a case in point. The fame of this illustrious +ebony lady had gone abroad through the land, and her skill in +prophecy had been vouched for by those who professed to have +personal knowledge of the truthfulness of her predictions. But an +air of mystery surrounded the sable sorceress, and it was +declared to be impossible to obtain a knowledge of her exact +whereabouts, except by a preliminary visit to a certain +mysterious “cave,” the locality of which was accurately +described. + +A cave! this promised well; no other witches encountered by the +Cash Customer, had he found in a cave, or in anything resembling +that hollow luxury. + +A cave! the very word smacked of diabolism, and had the true +flavor of genuine witchcraft. Our overjoyed hero thought of the +Witch of Vesuvius in her mountain cavern—of her lank, grey, dead +hair; her livid, corpse-like skin; her stony eye; her shrivelled, +blue lips; her hollow voice, and her threatening arm, and skinny, +menacing forefinger—of the red-eyed fox at her side, the crested +serpent at her feet, the mystic lamp above her head, and the +statue in the background, triple-headed with skulls of dog, and +horse, and boar. Something of this kind he hoped to witness in +the present instance, for he argued that any sorceress who lived +in a cave must surely be supplied with some more cabalistic +instruments with which to work her spells than greasy playing-cards +or rusty brass door-keys. At last, then, he had discovered +something in modern witchcraft worthy the ancient romance of the +name. Triumphant and overjoyed, he prepared for the visit, +confident in his ability to witness any spectacle, however +terrible, without flinching, and in his courage to pass any +ordeal, however fearful. He swallowed no countercharms or +protective potions, and did not even take the precaution to sew +a horse-shoe in the seat of his pantaloons. + +It is true he was rash, but much must be forgiven to youthful +curiosity, especially when conjoined with professional ambition. +The carelessness, in respect to his own safety, was productive of +no ill effects, for he returned from this perilous excursion in +every regard as good as he went. He had by this time entirely +recovered from his matrimonial aspirations, and had given up all +hope of a witch wife. Still, he hoped to find in the _cave_, +something more worthy the ancient and honorable name of +witchcraft than anything he had yet seen. + +Alas! for the uncertainty of mortal hopes. All is vanity, bosh, +and botheration. + +On arriving at the enchanted spot, it soon became evident to the +senses of our astonished friend that the “Cave” was not a cavern, +fit for the habitation of a powerful sorceress, but was merely a +mystifying cognomen applied to a drinking saloon with a billiard +room attached, which had accommodations, also, for persons who +wished to participate in other profane games. + +On entering the “Cave,” your deluded customer saw no toothless +hag with the expected witch-like surroundings, but observed only +a company of men, seemingly respectable, indulging in plentiful +potations of beer and certain other liquids, which appeared, at +the distance from which he observed them, to be the popular +compounds designated in the vulgar tongue as “whiskey toddies.” +Addressing the nearest bystander, the gulled Individual +ascertained the habitation of Mrs. Grommer, and immediately +departed in search of that interesting female. + +The way was crooked, as all Williamsburgh ways are, but after an +irregular, curvilinear journey of half an hour, the anxious +inquirer stood in front of the looked-for mansion. + +The grading of the street has left at this point a gravel bank +some six or eight feet high, on the summit of which is perched +the house of Mrs. Grommer, like a contented mud-turtle on a sunny +stump. It is a one-story affair, with several irregular wings or +additions sprouting out of it at unexpected angles, and, on the +whole, it looks as if it had been originally built tall and slim +like a tallow candle, but had melted and run down into its +present indescribable shape. The architect neglected to provide +this beautiful edifice with a front door, and the inquirer was +compelled to ascend the bank by a flight of rheumatic steps, and +make a grand detour through currant bushes, chickens, washtubs, +rain-barrels, and colored children, irregular as to size, and +variegated as to hue, to the back, and only door. Here his modest +rap was unanswered, and he composedly walked in, unasked, through +the kitchen, and took a seat in the parlor, where he was +presently discovered by the lady of the house, but not until he +had time to take an accurate observation. + +Mrs. Grommer had, up to this time, been engaged in making a +public example of certain ones of her grandchildren, who had been +trespassing on the currant bushes of a neighbor, and had been +caught in the act. Their indulgent grandmother, being scandalized +by this exhibition of youthful depravity, with a regard for the +demands of strict justice that did her infinite credit, had +inflicted on several of the delinquents that mild punishment +known as “spanking.” The novelty of the sight had drawn together +quite a collection of the neighbors, who signified their approval +of the deed by encouraging cheers. + +Meantime the Individual had ample time to contemplate the inside +beauties of the mansion of the sable prophet. Mrs. Grommer soon +finished her athletic exercise out-doors, and came into the house +to rearrange her dress and receive her company. + +The reception-room was about 10 by 12, and so low that a tall man +could not yawn in it without rapping his head against the +ceiling. In places the plaster had been displaced and the bare +lath showed through, reminding one of skeletons. The floor was +dingily carpeted; a double bed occupied one side of the room, a +small cooking-stove stood in the middle of the floor and had a +disproportionately slim pipe issuing out of the corner, like a +straw in a mint-julep; seven chairs of varied patterns, a small +round table, on which lay a pack of cards covered with a cloth, +and a tumble-down chest of drawers completed the necessary +furniture of the apartment. The ornaments are quickly enumerated. +A black wooden cross hung by the windows, a few cheap and gaudy +Scriptural prints were fastened against the wall, a chemist’s +bottle, of large dimensions, and filled with a blue liquid, +reposed on the chest of drawers, side by side with a few +miniature casts of lambs and dogs; and on a little shelf stood a +quarter-size plaster bust of some unknown worthy, of which the +head had been knocked off and its place significantly supplied +with a goose-egg. + +In a short time Mrs. Grommer emerged from an unlooked-for apartment +and entered the room. She is a negress and a grandmother—her age is +65, and a brood of children, together with a swarm of the +aforesaid grandchildren, reside near at hand and keep the old +lady’s mansion constantly besieged. + +As to size—she is large, apparently solid, and would struggle +severely with a 200 pound weight before she would acknowledge +herself conquered. She was neatly attired, and, in fact, a most +grateful air of cleanliness pervaded the entire establishment, +and it was a refreshing contrast to most of the dens of the +fairer-skinned witches heretofore encountered by the cash +delegate. + +The sable one entered into conversation, and a few minutes were +passed in cheerful chat, in the course of which she thus referred +to the scapegrace husband of one of her numerous daughters: “They +think Anson is dead, but I can’t station him dead. I think he’s +at sea somewhere, or in a foreign land, but I can’t station him +dead. He might as well be under ground for all the good he is, +for he is such a poor, mis’able, drinkin’ feller that he aint no +use, but, after all, I can’t run him dead.” + +At last, the object of the visit was mentioned, and, to the +individual’s great surprise, Mrs. Grommer positively and +peremptorily refused to give him the benefit of her prophetic +powers. + +She said: “It aint no use; I never does for gentlemen. I does +sometimes for ladies, but I can’t do it for gentlemen.” +Remonstrance and entreaty were alike useless; she was immovable. +At last, she said she would call her “old man,” who could tell +fortunes as well as she could, but she added, with a determined +shake of the head: “He’ll do it, but he will charge you a dollar; +and he wont do it under, neither.” When her hearer expressed his +willingness to learn his future fate by the masculine medium, she +addressed him thus: “You station there, in that chair, and I’ll +send him.” The disappointed one “stationed” in the designated +chair, and awaited the coming of the “old man.” He soon appeared +and seated himself, ready to begin. + +“Old Man” Grommer is a professor of the whitewashing branch of +decorative art. He occasionally relaxes his noble mind from the +arduous mental labor attendant upon the successful carrying on of +his regular business, and condescends to earn an easy dollar by +fortune-telling. He is a shrewd-looking old man, with a dash of +white blood in his composition; his hair curls tightly all over +his head, but is elaborated on each side of his face into a +single hard-twisted ringlet; short crisped whiskers, streaked +with grey, encircle his face, and an imperial completes his +hirsute attractions; his cheeks and forehead are marked with the +small-pox. + +He was attired in a grey and striped dress, the peculiarity of +which was that the coat and vest were bound with wide stripes of +black velvet. He speaks with but little of the peculiar negro +dialect, except when he forgets himself for an instant, and +unguardedly relapses into the old habits, which he has evidently +carefully endeavored to overcome. He looked at his visitor very +sharply for a minute or two, while he pretended to be abstractedly +shuffling the cards; and collecting his valuable thoughts, at +last he remarked: + +“I s’pose you want me to run the cards for you?” The reply was in +the affirmative, and the colored prophet concentrated his mind +and began. Slowly he dealt the cards, and spake as follows: + +“You don’t believe in fortunes, my son—I see that. Must tell you +what I see here—can’t help it—if I see it in the cards, must tell +you. You’ve had great deal trouble, my son; more comin’. Can’t +help it; mus’ tell you. I see trouble in de cards; I see razackly +what it is.” + +Here he suddenly stopped, and resuming his guarded manner, +continued: “You’ve lost something, my son; something that you +think a great deal of. Now I don’t like to tell about lost +things; I’se ’fraid I’ll get myself into a snare; I’d rather not +say nothing about it; fear I’ll get myself into trouble.” His +auditor here gave him the most positive assurances that he should +never be called into court to identify the thief of the missing +article, and that he should be held free from all harm; whereupon +he consented to impart the following information: + +“Dis thing you lost is something that hangs up on a +nail—something bright and round—you thinks a great deal of it, my +son—when it went away it had on a bright guard—hasn’t got a +bright guard on now; got a black guard—you see I knows all about +de article, my son, and I can tell you razackly where de article +is—but I’se rather not tell you ’bout it, my son; ’fraid I’ll run +myself into a snare; dat’s the truth, my son, rather no say +nothin’ ’bout de article.” + +Being again assured of safety, he went on: “Well, my son, I’ll +tell you ’bout this yer thing. Has you got any boys in yer +employ? No. Got two girls have you? One of dem girls is +light-haired and de other is dark—the light one is de one who +comes in your room in your boarding-house every morning when +you’se gone away—’cause you lives in a boardin’ house, I sees +that—can see it in the cards, can always tell razackly. If you +make a fuss about dat article you make your landlady feel bad. +You has accused somebody of taking that article, but you ’cused +de wrong person. The light-haired girl is who’s got that article. +Can’t help it, my son, must tell you—de light-haired girl is de +person. Mebbe she’s put it back, my son, I’ll see.” + +Here he cut the cards carefully, and continued: + +“There’s trouble ’bout dat article, my son, can’t help it, must +tell you—but you’ll get the article, but you’ll have +disappointment. Whenever you see dat card you may know there’s +disappointment comin’—dat card is always disappointment—can’t +help it, my son, must tell you.” Here he exhibited the nine of +spades, to the malignant influence of which he attributed the +future woes of his hearer. + +“When you go home look in your bed between the mattresses and see +if the article is there, for mebbe she’ll put it back—if it aint +there you must go to her and ’cuse her of it, ’cause it’s in the +house and she’s got it—can’t help it, my son, must tell you.” + +It is perhaps needless to say that the customer had met with no +loss of property, and that all this was entirely gratuitous on +the part of Mr. Grommer. Having, however, settled the matter to +his satisfaction, that gentleman turned his attention to other +things, and in the intervals of repeated shufflings and cuttings +of the cards he said: + +“Dere is a journey for you soon—and dis journey is going to be +the best thing that ever happened to you—but dere is a little +disappointment first—can’t help it, my son, must tell—here you +can see for yourself,” and out came the malicious nine of spades +again. “You will get money from beyond sea, my son—lots of money, +lots of money, my son—here it is, you can see for yourself,” and +he exhibited the cheerful faces of the eight, nine, and ten of +diamonds. “You will have disappointment before you get this +money,” and up came the hateful visage of the nine of spades once +more. “You was born under a good star, my son—under a morning +star—you was born under the planet Jupiter, my son, at 28 minutes +past four in the morning—lucky star, my son, very lucky star. You +are going to make a great change in your business, my son, which +will be good; you will always be successful in business, but I +think there is a little disappointment first; can’t help it, must +tell you.” Here the listener looked for the nine of spades again, +but it didn’t come. “After a little while you turns your back on +trouble; here, you can see for yourself—see, this is you.” + +The king of clubs was the Individual at that instant, and the +troubles upon which he turned his back are, as nearly as he can +remember, the knave of clubs, the nine of spades, and the deuce +of diamonds. + +The sage went on. “I’m comin’ now to your marriage. You’se goin’ +to be married, but you’ll have some disappointment first—can’t +help it, my son, must tell you. You see, here is a dark-complected +lady that you like, and she has a heart for you, but her father +don’t like you—he prefers a young man of lighter complexion—see, +here you all are, my son. This is you,” and he showed the king of +clubs—“and this is her.” The “her” of whom he spoke so irreverently, +was the queen of clubs. “This is the heart she has for you,” and +he exhibited the seven of that amorous suit. “This is her +father”—the obstinate and cruel “parient” here displayed, was the +king of spades—“and dis yer is de young man her father likes,” +and he placed before the eyes of the customer a hated rival in +the shape of the knave of diamonds. “You see how it is, my son, +dere is trouble between you—can’t help it. You may possibly marry +de dark-complected lady yet, but don’t you do it, my son, don’t +you do it—now mind I tell you, don’t you do it—she is not the +lady for you—can’t help it, must tell you; if you marry dat lady +you will be sorry dat you ever tie de knot. See, here is the +knot,” and he showed the ace of diamonds. “See, this is the lady +you ought to marry,” and he produced the queen of diamonds; “and +she will be your second wife if you do marry de dark-complected +lady, but you’d better marry her first if you can get her, and +let de dark-complected lady go for ebber; dat’s so, my son, now +mind I tell you.” + +He condescended no more, and the Cash Customer disbursed his +dollar and departed, all the grandchildren gathering on the bank +to give him three cheers as a parting salute. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +How the “Individual” calls on Madame Clifton, of No. 185 Orchard +Street, and how that amiable and gifted “Seventh daughter of a +seventh daughter,” prophesies his speedy death and destruction, +together with all about the “Chinese Ruling Planet Charm.” + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +MADAME CLIFTON, 185 ORCHARD STREET. + + +Perhaps there is no class of men brought constantly and +prominently before the public eye, that is so great a puzzle to +that public, as the class popularly denominated “sporting men.” +There is not a corner on Broadway where they do not congregate; +there is not a theatre where they do not abound, and there is not +a concert-room that does not overrun with them. There is a +uniformity in their appearance that makes them easily recognised, +for they all affect the ultra stylish in costume, even to the +extreme of light kid gloves in the street; they all have the +crisp moustache, the smooth-shaven cheeks, and the same keen, +ever-watchful eye, constantly on the look-out for a “customer,” +that respectable word meaning, in their slang, a person to be +victimized and swindled. Every lady who walks the street has to +run the gauntlet of their insolent glances, and not unfrequently +to hear their vulgar and offensive criticisms on her personal +appearance; and every gentleman whose business calls him into +Broadway of a pleasant day, has seen these persons grouped on the +corner leisurely surveying the passers-by, or gathered into a +little knot before some favorite rum-shop, discussing what is, to +them, the absorbing topic of the day—probably the “good strike” +Blobbsby made, “fighting the tiger,” the night before; the “heavy +run” a favorite billiard-player made on a certain occasion, or +the respective chances of success of the two distinguished +gentlemen who may chance at that time to be in training with a +view of battering each other’s heads until one concedes his claim +to the brutal “honors” of the prize ring. + +No gentlemen of fashion and fortune are more expensively dressed +than these men; no class of people wear more finely stitched and +embroidered linen, more costly broadcloth, more showy golden +ornaments, or more brilliant diamonds; but for all, the man is +yet to be found who has ever seen one of them put his hand or his +brain to one single hour’s honest work. Unsophisticated persons +are often puzzled to account for the apparently irreconcilable +circumstances of no work, and plenty of money, and in their +endeavors to invent a plausible hypothesis on the basis of +honesty, must ever be bewildered. The city man knows them at a +glance to be “sporting men.” + +This phrase is a particularly comprehensive one; the “sporting +man” is a gambler by profession, and therefore a swindler by +necessity, for an “honest gambler” would fill a niche in the +scale of created beings that has never yet been occupied; in +addition to this, nearly every sporting man is a thief whenever +opportunity offers. They probably would not pick a sober man’s +pocket, or knock him down at night and take his watch and money, +for the risk of detection would be too great; but they are kept +from downright stealing by no excess of virtue. + +These remarks apply to the “sporting men,” by profession—to those +plausible gallows-birds who have no other ostensible means of +getting a living. There are many men who sometimes spend an hour +or two at a faro table, or who occasionally pass an evening in +gambling at some other game, who do all fairly, and are above all +suspicion of foul play; these persons are of course plundered by +sharpers who surround them, and are called “good fellows” because +they submit to their losses without grumbling. + +The “sporting men” all have mistresses, on whom they sometimes +rely for funds whenever an “unlucky hit,” or a “bad streak of +luck,” has run their own purses low. + +It is not part of the present purpose of this book to give +particulars as to who and what their mistresses are, further than +to state that at least one or two of the “Witches” described +herein, officiate in that capacity. It is true, that the most of +them are not of a style to tempt the lust of any man, but there +are certain exceptions to the general rule, and in one or two +instances the “Individual” found the fortune-teller to be comely +and pleasant to the eye. As these women generally have plenty of +money, they are very eligible partners for gamblers, who are +liable to as many reverses as ever Mr. Micawber encountered, and +who, when once down, might remain perpetually floored, did not +some kind friend set them on their financial feet again. + +And this is one of the duties of the monied mistress. When the +“sporting man” is in funds, no one is more recklessly extravagant +than he, and no one cuts a greater dash than his “ladye-love,” if +he chooses so to do; but when the cards run cross, and the purse +is empty, it devolves upon her to furnish the capital to start in +the world again. + +The fact is well known to those who have taken the trouble to +inquire into the subject, that several of the more fashionable +fortune-tellers of the city sustain this sort of illicit relation +to certain “sporting men,” whose faces a man may see, perhaps, +half a dozen times in the course of a lounge up and down +Broadway of a pleasant afternoon. + +Madame Clifton is, on the whole, a comely woman, and does a good +business, but of course no sane person will think of applying +these remarks personally to that respected matron. + +The “Individual” paid a lengthened visit to Madame Clifton, and +his remarks are recorded below. Because he met a sleek, +close-shaved, finely moustached gentleman coming away from the +door, he was of course not justified in believing that the said +gentleman belonged to the establishment. Of course not. + +The female professors of the black art hitherto visited by the +Cash Customer, had not impressed him with a profound belief in +their supernatural powers; he was “anxious,” and was “awakened to +inquiry,” but he still had doubts, and there was great danger of +his backsliding if there wasn’t something immediately done for +him. + +He had been greatly disappointed by the absence from the +domiciles of these good ladies of all the traditional necromantic +implements and tools. His disposition to adhere to the modern +witch-faith would have been greatly strengthened by the sight of +a skull and cross-bones; a tame snake, or a little devil in a +bottle, would have fixed his wavering belief; and his conversion +would have been thoroughly assured by the timely exhibition of a +broomstick on which he could see the saddle-marks. + +None of these things had as yet been forthcoming, and the anxious +inquirer, mourning the departure of all the romance of the art of +witchcraft, was fast sinking into a state of incurable scepticism +on the subject of even its utility, in the degenerate hands of +modern practitioners. Hope had not, however, entirely deserted +his heart, but still retained her fabled position in the bottom +of his chest, near that important viscus, and he, therefore, +courageously continued his pursuit of witchcraft under difficulties. + +His next visit was to Orchard street, and he was induced to +expect favorable results by the encouraging and positive +assertion which concludes the subjoined advertisement, that +“Madame Clifton is no humbug:” + + “AN ASTROLOGIST THAT BEATS THE WORLD, and $5,000 reward + is offered to pay any person who can surpass her in + giving correct statements on past, present, and future + events, particularly absent friends, losses, lawsuits, + &c. She also gives lucky numbers. She surpasses any + person that has ever visited our city. She is also + making great cures. All persons who are afflicted with + consumption, liver complaint, scrofula, rheumatism, or + any other lingering disease, would do well to call and + see this wonderful and natural gifted lady, and you + will not go away dissatisfied. N.B.—Madame Clifton is + no humbug. Call and satisfy yourselves. Residence No. + 185 Orchard-st., between Houston and Stanton.” + +Although Orchard Street is by no means so objectionable a +thoroughfare as human ingenuity might make it, still, in spite of +its pleasant-sounding name, it is not altogether a vernal +paradise. If there ever was any fitness in the name it must have +been many years ago, and the ancient orchard bears now no fruit, +but low brick houses of assorted sizes and colors, seedy, and, +in appearance, semi-respectable. Occasionally a blacksmith’s +shop, a paint room, or a livery stable, lower or meaner and more +contracted than their neighbors, look as if they never got ripe, +but had shrivelled and dropped off before their time. + +The street is in a state of perennial bloom with half-built +dwellings like gaudy scarlet blossoms, which are ripened into +tenements by the fostering care of masons and carpenters with the +most industrious forcing; and buds of buildings are scattered in +every direction, in the shape of mortar-beds and piles of brick +and lumber, waiting the due time for their architectural +sprouting. + +The house of Madame Clifton is of moderate growth, being but two +stories high; it has a red brick front and green window-blinds, +and is so ingeniously grafted to its nearest neighbor that some +little care is necessary to determine which is the parent stock. +It presents a fair outside, is but little damaged by age or +weather, and is seemingly in a state of good repair. + +A neat-looking colored girl answered the bell, and, showing our +reporter into the parlor, asked his business, and if he “knew +Madame Clifton’s terms?” + +Now when it is understood that fortune-telling is by no means the +only, or the most lucrative part of Madame Clifton’s business, it +will be perceived that this inquiry had a peculiar significance. +Having the fear of libel suits before his eyes, the Individual +cannot state in precise and plain terms the exact nature of the +business which the colored girl evidently thought had brought him +there; he will content himself with delicately insinuating, that +if his errand had been of the nature insinuated by that female +delegate from Africa, there would have been a “lady in the case.” + +Fortunately the Cash Customer had erred not thus, but he made +known to the colored lady his simple business. + +Learning that he only wanted to have his fortune told by the +Madame, and had no occasion to test her skill in the more +expensive departments of her profession, the girl appeared to be +satisfied of the responsibility of her visitor for that limited +amount, and departed to inform her mistress. + +The customer took an observation. + +The room was a neatly-furnished parlor, a little flashy perhaps +in the article of mirrors, but the sofas, chairs, carpet, &c., +were plain and not offensive to good taste. A piano was in the +room, but it was closed, and its tone and quality are unknown. +One curious article, for a parlor ornament, stood in the corner +of the room; it was the huge sign-board of a perfumery store, and +bore in large letters the name of a dealer in sweet-scented +merchandise, blazoned thereon in all the finery of Dutch metal +and bronze. This conspicuous article, though mysterious and +unaccountable, was not cabalistic, and savored not of witchcraft. + +Presently the quiet colored girl returned, and in a low voice, +and with a subdued well-trained manner, invited her visitor to +follow her; meekly obeying, he was led up two flights of +respectable stairs into a room wherein there was nothing +mysterious, nor was there anything particularly suggestive +except a large glass case filled with a stock of perfumery. What +was the propriety of so very many bottles filled with perfumes +and medicines did not at first appear; but the assortment of +imprisoned odors, and liquid drugs, and the store-sign down +stairs, and Madame Clifton, and a certain perfumery store in +Broadway, and the proprietor thereof, so tangled themselves +together in the brain of the inquirer that he has never since +that time been able to disconnect one from the other. + +Upon a small stand were two packs of cards—the one an ordinary +playing pack, and the other what are known sometimes as +fortune-telling cards. The devices on these latter differed +materially from those in ordinary use; there were no plain cards; +every one was ornamented with some kind of a significant design; +there were pictures of women, of men, of ships and raging seas, +of hearses, and sickbeds, and shrouds, and coffins, and corpses, +and graves, and tombstones, and similar cheerful objects; then +there were squares, and circles, and hands with scales, and +hands with daggers, and hands sticking through clouds, and purses +of money, and carriages, and moons, and suns, and serpents, and +hearts, and Cupids, and eyes, and rays of light coming from +nowhere, and shining on nothing, and Herculeses with big clubs, +and big arms, bigger than the clubs, and big legs, bigger than +both together, and swords, and spears, and sundials, and many +other designs equally intelligible and portentous. + +Soon the Madame appeared, and the attention of the Individual was +immediately diverted from surrounding objects and riveted on the +incomprehensible woman who was “no humbug,” and who, according to +her own opinion of herself, would have exactly realized Mr. +Edmund Sparkler’s idea of a “dem’d fine woman, with +nobigodnonsense about her.” + +On the first glance, Madame Clifton is what would be called +“fine-looking,” but she does not analyse well. She is of medium +height, aged about thirty-five years, with very light, piercing +blue eyes, and very black hair, one little lock of which is +precisely twisted into a very elaborate little curl, which rests +in the middle of her forehead between her eyes, as if to keep +those quarrelsome orbs apart. Her eyebrows are unusually heavy, +so much so as to give a curious menacing look to the upper part +of her face, which disagreeable expression is intensified by the +extreme paleness of her countenance. + +Her dress was unassuming, neat, and tasteful, save in the one +article of jewelry, of which she wore as much as if the stock in +trade at the Broadway perfumery store had been pearls, and gold, +and diamonds, instead of perfumes and essences. Her deportment +was self-possessed and lady-like, that is, if an expression of +tireless watchfulness and unsleeping suspicion are consistent +with refined and easy manners. She never took her steel-blue eyes +from her visitor’s face; she did not for an instant relax her +confident smile; she did not speak but in the lowest softest +tones; but her auditor felt every instant more convinced that the +voice was the falsest voice he ever heard, the smile the falsest +smile he ever saw, and that the cold piercing eye alone was +true, and that was only true because no art could conceal its +calculating glitter. + +If one could imagine a smiling cat, Madame Clifton would resemble +that cat more than any one thing in the world. Neat and precise +in her outward appearance; not a fold of her garments, not a +thread of lace or ribbon, not a hair of her head, but was exactly +smooth and orderly, and in its exact place; not a glance of her +eye that was not watchful and suspicious; not a tone or word that +was not treacherous in sound; not a movement of body or of limb +that was not soft and stealthy; her feline resemblances developed +themselves more and more every instant, until at last the +Individual came to regard her as some kind of dangerous animal in +a state of temporary and perfidious repose. And this impression +deepened every instant, so much so, that when the small soft hand +was laid in his, he almost expected to see the sharp claws +unsheathe themselves from the velvet finger-tips and fasten in +his flesh. + +The language she used, when freed from the technical phrases of +her trade, was good enough for every day, and she did not +distinguish herself by any specialty of bad English. + +She asked her customer, with her most insinuating smile, if he +would have her “run the cards for him,” and on receiving an +affirmative answer she took the pack of playing cards into her +velvet hands, pawed them dexterously over a few times to shuffle +them, laid them in three rows with the faces upward, and softly +purred the following words: + +“I am uncertain whether to run you a club or a diamond, for I do +not exactly see how it is; but I will run you a club first, and +if you find that it does not tell your past history, please to +mention the fact to me, and I will then run you a diamond.” + +She then proceeded to mention a number of fictitious events which +she asserted had happened in the past life of her listener, but +that individual, who did not find that her revelations agreed +with his own knowledge of his former history, tremblingly +informed her of that fact; and she then, with a most vicious +contraction of the overhanging eyebrows, broke short the thread +of her fanciful story, and proceeded to “run him a diamond.” + +She evidently was determined to make the diamond come nearer the +truth—to which end she dexterously strove by a series of very +sharp cross-questionings to elicit some circumstance of his early +history, on which she might enlarge, or to get some clue to his +present circumstances, and hopes, and aspirations, that she might +find some peg on which to hang a prediction with an appearance of +probability. The Individual—with humiliation he confesses it—was +a bachelor. His heart had proved unsusceptible, and Cupid had hitherto +failed to hit him. On this occasion he proved characteristically +unimpressible; and the insinuating smile, the inquiring look, and +the winning manner, all failed of effect, and he remained +pertinaciously non-committal. + +Finding this to be the case, the feline Madame changed her +tactics, and, as if to spite her intractable customer, began to +prophesy innumerable ills and evils for him. She apparently +strove to mitigate, in some degree, the sting of her predictions +by an increased softness of manner, which was only a more +cat-like demeanor than ever. She spoke as follows—the cold eye +growing more cruel, and the wicked smile more treacherous every +instant. First, however, came this guileful question, which was +but a declaration of war under a flag of truce: + +“You do not want me to flatter you, do you? You want me to tell +you exactly what I see in the cards, do you not?” The customer +stated that he was able to bear at least the recital of his +future adversity, even if, when the reality came, he should be +utterly smashed; whereupon she proceeded: + +“I see here a great disappointment; you will be disappointed in +business, and the disappointment will be very bitter and hard to +bear—but that is not all, nor the worst, by any means. I see a +burial—it may be only a death of one of your dearest friends, or +some near relative, such as your sister, but I see that you +yourself are weak in the chest and lungs; you are impulsive, +proud, ambitious, and quick-tempered, which last quality tends +much to aggravate any diseases of the chest, and I fear that the +burial may be your own. Your disease is serious, you cannot live +long, I think—I do not think you will live a year—in fact, there +is the strongest probability that you will die before nine +months. I think you will certainly die before nine months, but if +you survive, it will only be after a most severe and painful +illness, in the course of which you will undergo the extreme of +human suffering. I see that you love a light-complexioned lady, +but her friends object to her marriage with you, and are doing +all they can to prevent it. A dark-complexioned man is trying to +get her away from you; you must beware of him or he will do you +great injury, for he has both the will and the power; he has +already deceived and injured you, and will do so again even more +deeply than he has yet. I see a journey, trouble, and misfortune, +grief, sorrow, heavy loss, and heaviness of heart. I again tell +you that you will die before nine months; but if you chance to +survive, it will only be to encounter perpetual crosses and +misfortunes. I might, if I was disposed to flatter you and give +you false hopes, tell you that you will be lucky, fortunate in +business, that you will get the lady, and I might promise you all +sorts of good luck, but I don’t want to flatter you; it would be +much more agreeable to me to tell you a good life, for it +sometimes pains me more than I can tell you to read bad lives to +people, and I feel it very deeply; but I assure you that I never +saw anybody’s cards run as badly as do yours—I never saw so many +losses and crosses, and so much trouble and misfortune in +anybody’s cards in my whole life—even if you outlive the nine +months you will have the greatest trouble in getting the lady, +and will always have bad luck.” + +She then tried by means of the cards to spell out the Inquirer’s +name, but failed utterly, not getting a single letter right; then +she recommenced and threatened him with so much bad luck that he +began almost to fear that he would break his leg before he rose +from his chair, or would instantly fall down in a fit and be +carried off to die at the Hospital. She told him that his lucky +days were the 1st, 5th, 17th, 27th, and 29th of every month. Then +perceiving that his feelings were deeply moved by the intractability +of the “cruel parients” of the light-complexioned lady, and the +black look of things generally, she slightly relented, and went +on to say: + +“If you will put your trust in me, and take my advice as a +friend, I can sell you something that will surely secure you the +lady, and thwart all your enemies—it is not for my interest that +I tell you this, for upon my honor I make only five shillings +upon fifty dollars’ worth—it is no trick, but it is a charm which +you must wear about you, and which you must wish over about the +girl at stated times, and it will be sure to have the desired +effect.” + +The customer asked the price of this wonderful charm. + +“It is from five to fifty dollars, but as you are so +extraordinarily unlucky I would advise you to take the full +charm. It is the _Chinese Ruling Planet Charm_, and I import it +from China at great expense. You must wear it about you, and +every time you use it you must do it in the name of God; so you +see there can be no demon about it. By means of this charm I have +brought together husbands and wives who have been apart for three +years, and I say a woman who can do that is doing good, and there +is no demon about her. While you wear it you will not die or meet +with bad luck, but it will change the whole current of your +life.” + +She then told her unlucky hearer to make a wish and she would +tell him by the cards whether he could have it or not. The answer +was in the negative, and it was evident that nothing but the +_Chinese Ruling Planet Charm_ would save him, and no less than +$50 worth of that. So the smiling Madame returned to the charge. +“If you will take my advice as a friend, take the charm; it is +for your sake only that I say this, for I make nothing by it—but +I feel an interest in you, and I wish you would buy the charm for +my sake as well as your own, for I want to see its effect on a +fortune so bad as yours. If you don’t buy it, and all kinds of +ill-fortune befalls you, don’t say I didn’t warn you, and don’t +call Madame Clifton a humbug; but if you do buy it, you may be +sure that you will ever bless the day you saw Madame Clifton.” + +It is, perhaps, needless to state that the Individual didn’t have +with him the fifty dollars to pay for the charm, but intimated +that he would call again, after he got his year’s salary. + +She then said: “If you happen to call when I am engaged, tell the +girl to say that you want to see me about _medicine_, and I will +see you, for I never put off anybody who wants _medicine_, no +matter who is with me, say _medicine_, and I will see you +instantly.” Here she softly showed her visitor to the door, and +smiled on him until he stood on the outside steps. He then +departed, secretly wondering what kind of “medicine” she was +prepared to furnish in case any unlooked for occasion should +suggest a second call. Her last remark suggested that Madame +Clifton derives a larger profit from the peculiar kinds of +“_medicine_” she deals in, than from all her other witchery. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +Details the particulars of a morning call on Madame Harris, of +No. 80 West 19th Street, and how she covered up her beautiful +head in a black bag. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +MADAME HARRIS, No. 80 WEST 19TH STREET, NEAR SIXTH AVENUE. + + +Madame Harris is one of the most ignorant and filthy of all the +witches of New York. She does not depend entirely on her +“astrology” for her subsistence, but relies on it merely to bring +in a few dollars in the spare hours not occupied in the practice +of the other dirty trades by which she picks up a dishonest +living. She has a good many customers, and in one way and another +she contrives to get a good deal of money from the gullible +public. She has been engaged in business a number of years, and +has thriven much better than she probably would, had she been +employed in an honester avocation. + +The “Individual” paid her a visit, and carefully noted down all +her valuable communications; he has told the whole story in the +words following: + +We all believe in Aladdin, and have as much faith in his uncle as +in our own; but we don’t know the pattern of his lamp, we have no +photograph of the genii that obeyed it, and we can make no +correct computation of the market value of the two hundred slaves +with jars of jewels on their heads. The customer, who is +determined that posterity shall be able to make no such complaint +of him or of his history, here solemnly undertakes, upon the +faith of his salary, to relate the unadorned truth, and to +indulge in no _ad libitum_ variations—imagining, while he writes, +that he sees in the distance the critical public, like a +many-headed Gradgrind, singing out lustily for “Facts, sir, +facts.” + +The next fact, then, to be investigated and sworn to, is this +Madame Harris, a very dirty female fact indeed, residing in the +upper part of the city, and advertising as follows: + + “MADAME HARRIS.—This mysterious Lady is a wonder to + all—her predictions are so true. She can tell all the + events of life. Office, No. 80 West 19th-st., near + 6th-av. Hours 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Ladies 25 cts.; + Gentlemen 50 cts. She causes speedy marriages; charge + extra.” + +Wearily the inquirer plodded his way on foot to West 19th Street, +fearing to trust himself to a stage or car, lest the careless +conversation of the unthinking, and the reprehensible jocularity +of the little boys who hang about the corners of the streets +which intersect the Sixth Avenue, and pelt unwary passengers with +paving-stones, should divert his mind from the importance and +great moral responsibility of his mission. + +After encountering a large assortment of the dangers and +discomforts incident to pedestrianism in New York in muddy +weather, he achieved West 19th street, and stood in sight of the +mysterious domicile of Madame Harris. + +It is a tenement house, shabby-genteel even in its first +pretentious newness; but it has now lost its former appearance +even of semi-respectability, and has degenerated to a state of +dirt only conceivable by those unhappy families who live two in a +house, and are in a constant state of pot-and-kettle war, and of +mutual refusing to clean out the common hall. + +A little mountain of potato skins, and bones, and other kitchen +refuse, round which he was forced to make a detour, plainly said +to the traveller that the population of the house No. 80 were in +the habit of depositing garbage in the gutters, under cover of +the night, and in violation of the city ordinance. A highly-perfumed +atmosphere surrounds this delightful abode, for the first floor +thereof is occupied as a livery stable, which constantly exhales +those sweet and pungent odors peculiar to equine habitations. + +Pulling the sticky bell-handle with as dainty a touch as +possible, the Individual was admitted by a slatternly weak-eyed +girl of about eighteen, with her hair and dress as tumbled as +though she had just been run through a corn-shelling machine, and +who was so unnecessarily dirty that even her face had not been +washed. She was further distinguished by a wart on her nose of +such shape and dimensions that it gave her face the appearance of +being fortified by a many-sided fort, which commanded the whole +countenance. + +This interesting young female welcomed her visitor with a clammy +“Come in,” and led the way up stairs, he following, in due dread +of being for ever extinguished by an avalanche of unwashed +keelers and kettles, which were unsteadily piled up on the +landing, and which an incautious touch would have toppled over, +and deluged the stairs with unknown sweet-smelling compounds, +whose legitimate destination was the sewer. On the second floor, +directly, judging from the noise, over the stall of the balkiest +horse in the stable below, is the room of the Madame. + +The customer took an observation: + +The furnishings of the apartment showed an attempt to keep up a +show, which was by far too miserably transparent to hide the +slovenliness which peeped out everywhere through the tawdry +gilding. There were so many oil paintings on the walls, in such +gaudy frames, that it seemed as if the room had been dipped into +a bath of cheap auction pictures, and hadn’t been wiped dry, or +had been out in a shower of them, and hadn’t come in until it had +got very wet. A broad gilt window cornice stood leaning in the +corner of the room, instead of being in its legitimate place; a +pair of lace curtains were wadded up and thrown in a chair, while +the windows were covered with the commonest painted muslin +shades; a piano-stool stood in the middle of the room, but there +was no piano. + +These were the indications of “better days;” these were the +shallow traps set to inveigle the beholder into a belief in the +opulence of the occupants of this charming residence. + +But the little cooking-stove, on which two smoothing irons were +heating, the scraps of different patterned carpets which hid the +floor, and made it appear as if covered with some kind of +variegated woollen chowder, the second-hand, conciliating +please-buy-me look of the three chairs, and the dirt and greasy +grime which gave a character to the place, told at once the true +state of facts. + +On one side of the room was a little door, evidently +communicating with a closet or small bedroom; on this door was a +slip of tin, on which was painted + + +------------------------------------+ + | | + | Office.—Madam Harris, Astrologist. | + | | + +------------------------------------+ + +and into this “office” the weak-eyed girl disappeared, with a +shame-faced look, as if she had tried to steal her visitor’s +pocket-book, and hadn’t succeeded. Presently there came from the +closet a sound of half-suppressed merriment, as if a constant +succession of laughs were born there, full grown and boisterous, +but were instantly garroted by some unknown power, until each one +expired in a kind of choky giggle. There was also a noise of the +making of a bed, the hustling of chairs, the putting away of +toilet articles out of sight, and over all was heard the chiding +voice of Madame Harris, who was evidently dressing herself, +superintending these other various operations, and scolding the +weak-eyed maiden all at once. + +At last this latter individual got so far the better of her +jocularity that she was able to deport herself with outward +seriousness when she emerged from the mysterious closet, and said +to the Individual, “Walk in.” At this time she was under so great +a head of laugh that she would inevitably have exploded, had she +not, the instant her visitor turned his back, let go her +safety-valve, and relieved herself by a guffaw which would have +been an honor and a credit to any one of the horses on the first +floor. + +The room in which Madame Harris was waiting to receive her +customer was so dark that he stumbled over a chair, and fell +across a bed before he could see where he was. Then he recovered +himself, and took an observation. + +The room was a very small one—so diminutive, indeed, that the +bed, which occupied one side of it, reduced the available space +more than two-thirds. It was partitioned off from the rest of +the room by a dirty patch-work bed-quilt, with more holes than +patches. The walls were scrawled over with pencil-marks, +evidently drawings made by young children, who had the usual +childish notions of proportion and perspective; and on one side +of the wall, near the head of the bed, a bit of pasteboard +persisted in this startling announcement— + + +----------------+ + | tE_R_ms C_a_sH | + +----------------+ + +A narrow strip of rag carpet was on the floor; a small stand and +a chair completed the furnishing of the room, and a single smoky +pewter lamp exhausted itself in a dismal combat with the gloom, +which constantly got the better of it. + +When the Cash Inquirer stumbled, and took an involuntary leap +into the middle of the bed, an awful voice came out of the +dreariness, saying, “There is a chair right there behind you.” +This information proved to be correct, and the discomfited +delegate subsided into it, and gazed stolidly at the Madame. If +Madame Harris were worth as much by the pound as beef, her +market-price would be about twenty-five dollars. She was attired +in a loose morning-gown, of an exceedingly flashy pattern, open +before, disclosing a skirt meant to be white, but whose +cleanliness was merely traditional. Of her countenance her +visitor cannot speak, for it was carefully hidden from his +inquiring gaze, and its unknown beauties are left to the +imagination of the reader. Perched mysteriously on the back of +her head, where it was retained by some feminine hocus-pocus, +which has ever been a sealed mystery to _man_kind, was a little +black bonnet, marvellous in pattern and design; from this +depended a long black veil, covering her countenance, and +disguising her as effectually as if she had washed her face and +put on a clean dress. + +She proceeded at once to business, and opened conversation with +this appropriate remark: “My terms is fifty cents for gentlemen, +and the pay is always in advance.” + +Here followed a disbursement on the part of the anxious seeker +after knowledge, and an approving chuckle was heard under the +veil. + +Taking up a pack of cards so overlaid with dirt that it was a +work of time and study to tell a queen from a nine spot, or +distinguish the knaves from the aces, she presented them with the +imperative remark: “Cut them once.” + +Then ensued the following wonderful predictions uttered by a +dubious and uncertain voice under the veil—which voice seemed one +minute to come from the mouth, then it issued from the throat, +then it sprawled out of the stomach, then it was heard from the +back of the head under the bonnet, and in the course of a few +minutes it came from so many places, that the puzzled hearer was +dubious as to its exact whereabouts—these curious effects being, +doubtless, attributable to the thick covering over the face. But +its various communications, when gathered together, were found to +sum up as follows: + +“You face back misfortune and trouble, of which you have had +much, but they are now behind you, and you have no more to fear. +You will henceforth be successful in business, you will have a +great deal of money. Your affection card faces up a young woman +with dark eyes and dark hair, about twenty-three years old; she +is older than she has led you to believe; there is a dark-complexioned +man whom you will see in two days, who is your enemy; you may not +know it, but you had better beware of him, for he will do you an +injury, if he can; you will see him and speak with him the night +of day-after-to-morrow. Your marriage card faces up this dark +woman, as I said before. I don’t see a great deal of money layin’ +round her, but there is plenty of money layin’ round you in the +future. Somebody will die and leave you money within nine weeks, +not counting this week. You was born under the planet Mars, which +gives you two lucky days in every week—Mondays and Thursdays; +anything you begin on those days will surely succeed.” + +Here she handed the cards to be cut again, which operation +disclosed a new feature in the Individual’s matrimonial future, +for she went on to say: + +“There is another woman who faces your love-card, who has light +hair and light eyes; she favors your love-card and will be your +first wife; you will have five children—four girls and one boy; +look out for the dark-complexioned man, for he favors your first +wife, and, though she does not favor him very much, he will try +to get her away from you. Your line of life is long; you will +live to be sixty-eight years old, but you will die very suddenly, +for your line of death crosses your line of life very suddenly, +which always brings sudden death.” + +Having given this cheering promise, she again held out the cards +to be cut, and said, “Cut them again now, and make a wish at the +same time, and I will tell you if you will have your wish.” + +When the required ceremony had been solemnly performed, she +continued: “You will have your wish, but not right away; don’t +expect to get it before week after next, but then you will be +sure to have it, for there is no disappointment in the cards for +you.” She then informed her customer that she always answered +unerringly two questions, which he was now at liberty to +propound. He made a couple of inquiries relative to his future +business prospects, and received in reply the promise of most +gratifying results. + +Having then, as he supposed, got his money’s worth, he was about +to take his leave, when she interrupted him thus: + +“I have a charm for securing good luck to whoever wears it; you +can wear it, and your most intimate friend would never suspect +it; my charge is one dollar for gentlemen; a great many have +bought it of me; many merchants who were on the point of failing +have come to me and possessed this charm, and been saved; you had +better possess it, for it will be sure to bring you good luck; if +you possess it, you will always be successful in business; Mr. +Lynch of Mott Street possessed it, and has been very lucky ever +since, besides a great number I could name; my advice to you is, +possess the charm.” + +She then put her elbows on her knees after the manner of a Fulton +Market apple-pedler, in which classic attitude she awaited an +answer. The decision was not favorable to her hopes; for the +economical customer concluded not to invest in the charm, +although it had brought such excellent fortune to Mr. Lynch of +Mott Street. He departed, encountering again in his progress the +weak-eyed one, who met him with a smile, escorted him to the door +with a great laugh, and dismissed him with a joyous grin. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +Treats of the peculiarities of several Witches in a single +batch. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +A BATCH OF WITCHES. + + +The fortune-tellers so elaborately described in the foregoing +chapters are by no means the only ones in New York, engaged in +that lucrative occupation; there are several others who were +visited by the Individual, but who in their surroundings approach +so nearly to those already set down, that a detailed description +of each would necessarily be a somewhat monotonous repetition. So +the prophecy only of each one is here writ down, with a few words +suggestive of the character of the immediate neighborhood, +leaving the imaginative reader to fill up the blank himself, or +to turn back to some foregoing chapter for a picture of a similar +locality, if he prefers it ready-made to his hands. + + +MADAME DE BELLINI, No. 159 FORSYTH STREET. + +For the benefit of those not familiar with the streets of New +York, it is perhaps well to mention that Forsyth Street is a +dirty thoroughfare, two streets east of the Bowery, and that it +is filled for the most part with small groceries, junk shops, +swill milk dispensaries, and stalls for the sale of diseased +vegetables and decaying fruit, and that the inhabitants are +mostly delegates from Africa, and from the Green Isle of the Sea. + +Immediately adjoining the domicil of Madame de Bellini is a +filthy little vegetable store, and on the opposite corner is an +equally filthy Irish grocery, where are dispensed swill milk and +poisoned whiskey. The residence of the Madame is a low two-story +brick house, of rather better appearance than many of its +neighbors, which are principally wooden buildings with those +old-fashioned peculiar roofs, with little windows close under the +cornice, which make a house look as if it had had its hat knocked +over its eyes. + +Madame de Bellini is a Dutchwoman of very large dimensions, being +a two-hundred-and-fifty-pounder at the lowest estimate. Like most +fat women, she is good-natured and smiling. She is apparently 35 +years old, of pleasant manners, somewhat embarrassed by the +difficulty she has in communicating her ideas in English, and is +much neater in person and dress than the majority of ladies in +the same line of business. She would be a popular bar-maid at a +lager-bier saloon, and would preside over the fortunes of the +sausage and Swiss cheese table, with eminent success, and +satisfaction to the public. + +She welcomed the Cash Customer in a jolly sort of way, introduced +him to her private apartment, and seated him on a chair at one +side of a little table, while she bestowed herself on a stool +opposite. + +Having ascertained that he did not speak German with sufficient +fluency to carry on an animated conversation in that tongue, or +to comprehend a rapidly spoken discourse delivered therein, she +was compelled to ventilate her English, which she did, beginning +as follows: + +“I speak not vera mooch goot English—I speak German and French, +but no goot English.” + +The Individual, with his usual caution, inquired how much she +proposed to charge for her services. She responded thus: + +“I tell your for_toon_ fier ein tollar, or I can tell your +for_toon_ fier ein half-tollar.” + +Fifty cents’ worth was enough to begin with, so she took his left +hand in her huge fist, and as a preliminary operation squeezed it +till he gave it up for lost, and in the intervals of his +suffering hastily ran over in his mind the various ways in which +one-handed people get a living; then she relented and did not +deprive him of that useful member, but said: + +“You have goot hand, vera goot hand—your hand gifs you goot +fortoon. You was born under goot blanet, vera nice blanet, you +have vera nice fortoon. You have mooch rich, vera great monish; +you haf seen drubbles, (trouble) vera mooch drubbles—more +drubbles you haf seen, as you will see some more—dat is, you +shall not have so many drubbles py and py as you haf had long +ago, for you haf goot blanet. You will journeys make mooch in +footoor (future) years. You will have two wifes and mooch kindes +(children) in der footoor years, and you will be vera mooch happy +und bleasant mit der wife vot you shall have der first dime, but +not so mooch happy und bleasant mit der wife vot you shall have +der two time, but you shall vera mooch monish have in der fortoor +years.” + +She then released the hand of her visitor, who was very glad to +get it back again, and took up a pack of cards, which she +manipulated in the customary style, and then said: + +“Your carts run vera nice; you have goot carts; here is a +shentleman’s as ish vera goot to you, he is great friends mit +you: here is a letter vot you shall be come to you right avays +vera soon—it ish goot news to you; you must do joost vot das +letter says. Here ish a brown girls vot lofs (loves) you vera +mooch, but you do not lofs dat girls, so much as das girls lofs +you—you will not be der vife of das girl, for there is anunther +girls vot you lofs bretty bad und you will marry her; she is +bretty goot girls und you will be happy, you will hof lots of +kindes mit das girls. Das girls haf a man now vos lof her vera +mooch—he is was you call das soldier; he lofs her mooch but he +shall not hof her, you shall hof das girls. Here is great man was +will be good friend to you; he ish vera great man, a big king; +not vas you call der könig, but your big mans, your, vos is das, +your bresident—de bresident bees goot friends mit you—here is +dark mans, he ish no goot friend mit you, und you must keep away +from das dark mans.” + +This was all the information she appeared to derive from this +pack, which were ordinary playing cards, so she laid them aside +and took up the regular fortune-telling cards, which are covered +with various mysterious devices. These did not seem to communicate +anything of very special importance in addition to what she had +already said, for she examined them closely and then merely +summed up as follows: + +“Goot fortoon, goot blanet, goot vifes, blenty monish, mooch +kindes, not more troubles in der footoor years, big friends, +bresident mooch friends mit you, lif long, ninety-nine years +before you die, leave fortoon to vife und two kindes.” + +The Individual was curious to inquire wherein the fifty-cent dose +he had received, differed from the fortunes for which she charged +“ein tollar,” and he received the following information: + +“For ein tollar I gifs you a charm as you vears on your necks, +und it gifs you goot luck for ever, und you never gets drownded, +und you lifs long viles, und you bees rich und vera mooch happy.” + +The Madame was also good-natured enough to exhibit one of these +powerful charms to her customer. It was a piece of parchment, +originally about four inches square, but which had been scalloped +on the edges, and otherwise cut and carved; on it were inscribed +in German, several cabalistic words; this potent document was to +be always worn next the heart. + +Madame de Bellini has been in New York but a year or two; she +speaks French and German, and is taking lessons in English from +an American lady. She has many customers, mostly German, and, as +in the case of all the other witches, the greatest majority of +her visitors are women. + + +MADAME LEBOND, No. 175 HUDSON STREET. + +The house in which this woman was sojourning at the time of the +visit hereinafter described, is a boarding-house, and the room of +the Madame is the back parlor on the second floor. + +The Individual was received at the door by a short, greasy, dirty +man, about forty years of age, who invited him into the front +parlor, to wait until the Madame was disengaged. This man, who is +an ignorant, half-imbecile person, passes for the husband of the +fortune teller, and is known as _Doctor_ Lebond. He is a man of +peculiar appearance; the top of his head is perfectly bald, and +the fringe of hair about the lower part of it, is twisted into +long corkscrew ringlets, that fall low down on his shoulders. + +He informed the customer that the Madame was then engaged, but he +seemed undecided about the exact nature of her present employment. +He first said she was “tellin’ the futur for a young gal;” then +she was “engaged with a literary man;” then “a dry-goods merchant +wanted to find out if his head clerk didn’t drink;” but finally +he said that “Madame L. is a eatin’ of her dinner.” After some +ingenious drawing-out, the _Doctor_ vouchsafed the subjoined +statement of his business prospects. + +“We seen the time when we hadn’t fifteen minutes a day, on +account of young gals a comin’ for to have their fortune told; we +used to be busy from mornin’ till ten and ’levin o’clock at night +a-tellin’ fortunes an’ a doctorin’—but now, we don’t do so much +’cause the young gals don’t like to come to a boardin’-house +where young men can see ’em, ’specially in the evenin’. We’s too +public here; the young men a-boardin’ here likes for to have the +young gals come, they likes for to see ’em in the parlor, but the +young gals won’t come so much, ’cause we’s too public. We’ll have +for to get another house on account of business. + +“I don’t get so much doctorin’ to do as I used to, ’cause we’s +too public. I have doctored lots of folks, principally young +fellers and young gals, and I can do it right. If you ever get +into any trouble you’ll find me and my wife _all right_; you can +come to us—we mean to be all right, and to give everybody the +worth of their money, and we _is_ all right.” + +By this time, Madame Lebond had finished her dinner, and was +waiting in the back parlor. She is a fat, slovenly-looking woman, +forty years old or more, having no teeth, and taking prodigious +quantities of snuff, which gives her enunciation some peculiar +characteristics. + +When the Individual first beheld her, she was standing in the +middle of the floor, picking her teeth. She requested her visitor +to take a seat, and to pay her half-a-dollar, with both of which +requests he complied. She then put into his hand the end of a +brass tube about an inch in diameter and a foot long, and said: +“Give be the tibe of your birth as dear as possible.” + +This was done, and the following brief dialogue ensued:— + +“Was you bord id the bording?” + +“I really don’t remember.” + +“Do you have beddy dreabs?” + +“I do not dream much.” + +“Thed you dod’t have bad dreabs?” + +“No.” + +“Thed you was bord id the bording,” by which mysterious word she +probably meant, “morning.” She then continued:— + +“You are a pretty keed sbart chap—sharp id busidess, but dot good +id speculatiods, ad you should codfide your attedtiods to +busidess. If you keep od as you are goidg dow, ad works hard, ad +dod’t bix id bad cobpady, ad is hodest, ad dod’t spend your +buddy, you will be rich. You will travel buch—you _have_ +travelled buch, but your travels is hardly begud; there is a +lodg jourdey at sea dow before you, ad you will start od this +jourdey bost udexpectedly; you will always be lucky, ad will be +very rich. I dod’t say dothin’ to flatter do wud; lots of fellers +ad gals cub here ad I tell theb all jest what I see; if I see bad +luck I tell theb so; but yours is all good luck, ad I see lots of +it for you. You have had bad luck lately, but you will get over +your bad luck for you are a pretty sbardt chap, ad have got a +good deal of abbitiod, ad you go ahead pretty well. You will +barry a gal—a gal as you have seed but dod’t know. Very well, she +is a youdg gal, ad a rich gal, ad a good-lookidg gal; you will +dot barry her for sobe tibe, but you will barry her at last. She +has a beau ad you will likely have sobe trouble with hib, but you +will get the gal at last. The gal has light hair ad blue eyes, ad +I cad show her to you if you would like to see her.” + +Of course the visitor liked to see her; so he was directed to +clasp the brass tube in his right hand, and place his hand over +the top. Then she stepped behind his chair and began to go +through with some extraordinary manual exercises on his head. She +felt of the bumps, she squeezed his head, punched it, jerked it +from side to side, and twisted it about in every possible +direction. What was the object and intention of this performance +she did not disclose, but when she had kneaded his unfortunate +skull to her satisfaction, she bade him step to the window and +look into the tube. + +This he did, and he saw a very dingy-looking daguerreotype of a +fair-haired damsel with blue eyes, who bore, of course, not the +most distant resemblance to any lady of his acquaintance. + +Then the fat Madame had a charm to sell, to be worn about the +neck, and never taken off, in which case it would secure for the +wearer “good luck” for ever. + +The Individual declined to purchase and departed, meeting at the +door the curly _Doctor_, who once again offered his medical +services in case the stranger ever got into “trouble,” and who +once again assured that person with an air of mystery that “me +and my wife is all right—yes, you may depend, we is all right, we +is.” + + +MADAME MAR, AND MADAME DE GORE, No. 176 VARICK STREET. + +These two eminent sorceresses are in partnership, and drive a +tolerably fair trade. They advertise in the papers, one week the +heading being “Madame Mar, assisted by Madame de Gore,” and the +next week, it will be “Madame de Gore, assisted by Madame Mar,” +and the profits of the business are shared in the same impartial +manner. + +The house, No. 176, is in the worst part of Varick Street, and +the room occupied by the pair of witches is over a boot and shoe +store, and a pawnbroker’s shop is directly opposite. + +The room is a small parlor, neatly though plainly furnished, and +with no professional implements visible. When the inquirer made +his call, Madame de Gore was engaged in the kitchen, in her +various household duties, and Madame Mar attended to his call. +She is a tall and rather pleasing woman, neatly dressed and of +quiet manners. + +She secured a dollar in advance, and then led her customer into a +little closet-like room, furnished only with a small table and +two chairs. She then announced that she is a “phrenologist,” and +exhibited a plaster bust with the “bumps” scientifically marked +out, and also some phrenological charts and other publications. +She proceeded to give the character of her visitor in the usual +mode of phrenological examinations, after which she prophesied as +follows: + +“You were born between Jupiter and Mars, with such stars you can +never be unlucky, for although you have seen trouble, it is past. +Your luck runs in threes and fives—that is, you are unlucky three +years in succession, and lucky the five years following. You are +never _very_ unlucky, but you do not do so well in your third +house as in your fifth house. You could not be unlucky in your +fifth house if you tried. You have now two months to run in your +third house, then comes on your fifth house. Just now your life +seems to be under a cloud, but after two months you will come out +bright and will enjoy five years of clear sunshine, and you will +then be very wealthy. You will have more money then than you ever +will again, though you will always have plenty. Your wealth runs +14 at the end of five years; after that runs 13½, which is very +wealthy. You will marry a young girl, wealthy and beautiful. You +will raise two daughters, but you will never have a large family. +You will be the father of many children, but your family will +never be more than two children. You will go in business with a +very wealthy Southern man, his wealth runs 14—he has two sons and +a daughter. You will marry the daughter, though you will be +opposed by the father and one son, but the other son will stick +by you. You will live with that wife twenty-five years, then she +will die and you will travel with your two daughters. You will go +to Europe. In England you will marry a French widow. Your two +daughters will marry well, and at 72 or 73 years old you will +die, leaving a widow, two daughters, and a large fortune.” + +Madame de Gore did not make her appearance at all, and after +Madame Mar had failed to induce her visitor to pay her an extra +dollar for a phrenological chart, she politely showed him out. + + +MADAME LANE, No. 159 MULBERRY STREET. + +This distinguished lady lives in a dirty, dilapidated mansion, at +the corner of Grand and Mulberry Streets. The Cash Customer was +admitted by the Madame herself, who desired him to be seated for +a few minutes, until she had concluded her business with a boy of +about 17 years old, who had called to find out what would be the +winning numbers in the next Georgia lottery. Two dirty-faced +children were playing about the room, making a great noise. + +One corner of the room was fenced off with rough boards, forming +a narrow closet, in which two people could, with some difficulty, +sit down. This was the astrological chamber; the mystic room +into which visitors were conducted to have their fortunes told. + +Madame Lane is of the Irish breed; is red-haired, freckled, and +dirty to a degree. Her dress was ragged, showing a soiled, dingy +petticoat through the rents. + +She seated her customer in the little room, produced a pack of +cards, and proceeded to tell his future, at times shouting out +threats and words of warning to the noisy brats outside. Then she +said: + +“You are a man as has seen a great deal of trouble in the past.” + +It will be noticed that this is almost a universal remark with +the witches, probably because it is a perfectly safe thing to +assert of any person in the world. + +“Yes, you have seen trouble in the past, not _real_ trouble, such +as sickness, or losses in business, but still, trouble, and your +mind has been going this way and that way and t’other way, but +now all your trouble and disappointment is past, and your mind +won’t go this way and that way any more. Stop that noise you +brats or I’ll beat you.” (This to the children.) + +“Your cards run lucky, ’cause you were born under Jupiter, and +folks as is borned under Jupiter will always be lucky in +business, in love, and in everything they undertake. If your +business sometimes goes this way, and that way, and t’other way, +it will all come out right, for when a man is borned under +Jupiter he must be all right in his business, and in his love, +and in his marriage, and in his children. Young ones stop that +noise or I’ll beat you black and blue. You have had sickness +lately and your mind has been going this way, and that way, and +t’other way, but you need not worry for it will be all right +soon. Children stop that row or clear right out to the kitchen. +Now mind. I tell you. I see a girl here that loves you very much, +but you don’t love her and won’t marry her, but you will marry +another girl with black whiskers; no, I mean the feller that is +coortin’ her has got black whiskers, and I fear you will have +trouble with black whiskers if you are not careful—the girl has +got black hair and is miserable because you don’t write to her. +I’m coming after you, young ones there, with a raw hide and I’ll +cut the skin off your backs. You will marry this gal and you will +be very happy, and will have three children, which will be joys +to you. Children, I’ll come and kill you in two minutes. And you +will always be prosperous in your business, and you will be very +rich, and you will live to be eighty-five years old. Now you can +cut the cards and make a wish and I will tell you if it will come +true. Yes, your wish will come true, because you have cut the +knave, and queen, and king—if you’d like a speedy marriage with +the gal I told you of, I’ll fix it for you for fifty cents extra; +children if you don’t shut up I’ll come and beat you blind.” + +The Individual invested a half-dollar as requested, and received +in return a white powder with these instructions;— + +“You will burn that powder just before you get into bed, and if +you see the gal to-night you won’t see no change in her, but she +will be changed to-morrow. She is kinder down on you now, but she +loves you though her mind is kinder this way and that way, but +she will be changed toward you to-night by what I will do after +you are gone.” + +The customer departed, leaving this fond mother engaged in an +active skirmish with the two children, both of whom finally +escaped into the street with great howlings. + +Madame Lane does a good business. She says that in pleasant +weather she has from twenty-five to fifty calls a-day, mostly +women; but in bad weather not more than fifteen or twenty, and +these of the other sex. Many of these come only to learn lucky +numbers for lottery gambling, and policy playing. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +Conclusion. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +CONCLUSION. + + +It has been already mentioned that there are a number of persons +in the city who do more or less in the fortune-telling way, who +never advertise for customers. These we must leave to their own +seclusion; as our business has been with those who make a +business of this species of swindling, and who use all manner of +arts to entice the curious, or the credulous, into their dens, +there not only robbing them of their money, but often putting +them in the way to be injured much more deeply. This, of course, +is especially the case with young girls. + +In order to give the readers of this book an idea of the part +taken by these fortune-telling women in many of the terrible +dramas of crime constantly enacting in city life, an extract +showing the _modus operandi_ is here inserted. It is from one of +a series of very useful little books published in this city, and +entitled, “Tricks and Traps of New York.” + +Speaking of New York fortune-tellers, the author says, having +previously indulged in some severe remarks about “yellow-covered” +novels: + +“To see how the fortune-teller performs her part, let us suppose +a case: + +“A young, credulous girl, whose mind has been poisoned by the +class of fictions above referred to, is induced to visit a modern +witch, for the purpose of having her ‘fortune told.’ The woman is +very shrewd, and perceives, in a moment, the kind of customer she +has to deal with. Understanding her business well, she is +perfectly aware that love and marriage—courtship, lovers, and +wedded bliss—are the subjects which are most agreeable. + +“She begins by complimenting her customer: ‘such beautiful eyes, +such elegant hair, such a charming form, and graceful manners, +are altogether too fine for a servant or working girl.’ She must +surely be intended for a higher station in life, and she will +certainly attain it. She will rise in the world, by marriage, and +will one day be one of the finest ladies in the land. Her husband +will be the handsomest man she has ever seen, and her children +will be the most beautiful in the world. Fortune-tellers always +foretell many children to their female customers; for the +instinct of maternity, the yearning desire for offspring, is one +of the strongest feelings of human nature. + +“Much more of this sort is said; and if the witch finds her talk +eagerly listened to, she knows exactly how to proceed. She +appoints days for other visits; for she desires to get as many +half-dollars out of her dupe as she can. Meantime, the girl has +been thinking of what she has heard, has pictured to herself a +brilliant future—a rich husband—every luxury and enjoyment—and, +upon the whole, has built so many castles in the air, that her +brain is half-bewildered. Even though she may not believe a +tittle of what is said to her, feminine curiosity will generally +lead her to make a second visit; and when the fortune-teller sees +her come upon a like errand a second time, she sets down her prey +as tolerably sure and lays her plans accordingly. + +“She goes on to state to the girl, in her usual rigmarole style, +that she will, in a few weeks, meet with a lover; and perhaps she +may receive a present of jewelry; and by that she will know that +the ‘handsome young man’ has seen, and been smitten by her many +charms. + +“When the half-believing girl has gone, the scheming sorceress +calls to her aid her confederate in the game—the party who is to +personate ‘the handsome young man.’ This is usually a +spruce-looking fellow, who makes this particular kind of work his +regular business; or it may be some rich debauchee, who is +seeking another victim, will come and lie in wait, either behind +the curtain or in the next room, where, through some well-contrived +crevice, he can see and hear all that is going on. One or the +other of these men it is that is to assist the witch in +fulfilling her prophecies; who is, at the proper time, to be in +the way to personate the ‘young beau,’ or ‘rich southerner,’ and +to induce her to visit a house of assignation, or, in some way, +accomplish her ruin. + +“Persons who have been puzzled to know how many of the young +fellows get their living who are seen about town, always well +dressed, and with plenty of cash, and yet having no apparently +respectable means of living, will find a future solution of their +questions in this explanation. Many of these men are ‘kept’ by +their mistresses, or by the proprietors of houses of ill-fame; in +the latter case, to make acquaintance with strangers, and to +bring business to those houses. They are often very fine-looking +and well-appearing men, and possessed of good natural abilities; +but, from laziness or crime, or some other cause, adopt the +meanest possible business a man can stoop to. Humiliating as this +may seem, and degrading as it is to poor human nature, what we +state is, nevertheless, the literal truth. + +“But, to come back to our supposed case. A few days after her +visit to the witch, the girl actually does, perhaps, receive a +present, as the witch predicted; this not only pleases her vanity +and love of admiration, but disposes her to put confidence in the +powers of the fortune-teller to read coming events. Straightway +the deluded girl goes again to the witch, to tell how things have +fallen out, as she foretold, and to seek further light upon the +subject. It is now the cue of the prophetess to describe the +young man. This she does in glowing terms; never failing to endow +him with a large fortune; and the poor girl goes away with her +head more turned than ever.” + + * * * * * + +“Enraptured with a description, or sight of the picture of her +fond love, the deluded girl is now all anxiety to see him in +person. The witch accordingly gives her some magical powder +(price one dollar), which she is to put under her pillow every +night for seven nights, or wear next her heart for nine days, or +some other nonsense of that kind, at the end of which time, she +is told to take the ferry-boat to Hoboken or some such place, at +a certain hour in the afternoon, and somewhere on her route she +will have a sight of the gentleman she is almost crazed to see. +The result is plain, the ‘gentleman’ is there as foretold, an +acquaintance is commenced, and the girl is ultimately ruined. + +“We have been thus particular to give, step by step, the details +of the mode of management pursued in these cases. There are, of +course, many varieties, dictated by the circumstances of each +case, but the general features and the _result_, are the same. + +“The incidents above given are the outlines of a real case in +which the end of the conspirators was accomplished; the girl, +however, was rescued by the Managers of the Magdalen Asylum, and +is now leading a blameless life.” + +The “Individual” has now concluded his labors, and he hopes not +without profit to the community at large. + +He has heard it urged that this book will merely advertise the +fortune-tellers, and that they will go on driving a more +flourishing trade than ever. He cannot think that this will be +the case; he cannot believe that any persons who read in this +book the candid exposition of the style of necromancy dealt out +by the modern Circes, will be willing to pay money for any +personal experience of them, and he respectfully submits that +although they have heretofore been consulted by many ladies of +respectability, from motives of mere curiosity, those ladies will +risk no further visits when they learn that they may with as much +propriety visit any other assignation house, as a fortune-teller’s den. + +A recapitulation of the various prophecies made to the Cash +Customer would show that he has been promised thirty-three wives, +and something over ninety children—that he was brought into the +world on various occasions between 1820 and 1833—that he was born +under nearly all the planets known to astronomers—that he has +more birth-places than he has fingers and toes—that he has passed +through so many scenes of unexpected happiness and complicated +misfortune in his past life, that he must have lived fifty hours +to the day and been wide awake all the time—and he has so many +future fortunes marked out for him that at three hundred and +fifty years old his work will not be half done, and when at last +all _is_ finally accomplished, a minute dissection of his aged +corpus will be necessary, that his earthly remains may be buried +in all the places set down for him by these prophets. + +But aside from a humorous contemplation of the subjects, he +trusts he has done his work well; he is sure he has done it +faithfully, and he honestly hopes that some good may come of his +labors to write down here honestly the ignorance and imbecility +of The Witches of New York. + + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Witches of New York, by +Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WITCHES OF NEW YORK *** + +***** This file should be named 31717-0.txt or 31717-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/7/1/31717/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Irma Spehar and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/31717-0.zip b/31717-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..69f9608 --- /dev/null +++ b/31717-0.zip diff --git a/31717-8.txt b/31717-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..357e0bc --- /dev/null +++ b/31717-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7296 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Witches of New York, by Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Witches of New York + +Author: Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +Release Date: March 21, 2010 [EBook #31717] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WITCHES OF NEW YORK *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Irma Spehar and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + THE + WITCHES OF NEW YORK, + + AS ENCOUNTERED BY + + Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P. B. + + NEW YORK: RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY. MDCCCLIX. + + + Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1858, by + RUDD & CARLETON, +In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for + the Southern District of New York. + + + R. CRAIGHEAD, + Printer, Stereotyper, and Electrotyper, + Carton Building, + _81, 83, and 85 Centre Street_. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +What the Witches of New York City personally told me, Doesticks, +you will find written in this volume, without the slightest +exaggeration or perversion. I set out now with no intention of +misrepresenting anything that came under my observation in +collecting the material for this book, but with an honest desire +to tell the simple truth about the people I encountered, and the +prophecies I paid for. + +So far from desiring to do any injustice to the Fortune Tellers +of the Metropolis, I sincerely hope that my labors may avail +something towards making their true deservings more widely +appreciated, and their fitting reward more full and speedy. I am +satisfied that so soon as their character is better understood, +and certain peculiar features of their business more thoroughly +comprehended by the public, they will meet with more attention +from the dignitaries of the land than has ever before been +vouchsafed them. + +I thank the public for the flattering consideration paid to what +I have heretofore written, and respectfully submit that if they +would increase the obligation, perhaps the readiest way is to buy +and read the present volume. + + THE AUTHOR. + + _Sept. 20th, 1858._ + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +CHAPTER I. is simply Explanatory so far as regards the +book, but in it the author takes occasion to pay himself +several merited compliments on the score of honesty, ability, +&c., &c., &c. 15 + +CHAPTER II. is devoted to the glorification of Madame Prewster, +of No. 373 Bowery, the Pioneer Witch of New York. The "Individual" +also herein bears his testimony that she is oily and water-proof. 27 + +CHAPTER III. wherein are related divers strange things of Madame +Bruce, the "Mysterious Veiled Lady," of No. 513 Broome Street. 51 + +CHAPTER IV. Relates the marvellous performances of Madame +Widger, of No. 3 First Avenue, and how she looks into the +future through a paving-stone. 73 + +CHAPTER V. Discourses of Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First +Street, Williamsburgh, and tells what that Nursing Sorceress +communicated to the Cash Customer. 99 + +CHAPTER VI. in which are narrated the wonderful workings of +Madame Morrow, the "Astonisher," of No. 76 Broome Street, and how +by a Crinolinic Stratagem the "Individual" got a sight of his +"Future Husband." 123 + +CHAPTER VII. contains a full account of the interview of the Cash +Customer with Doctor Wilson, the Astrologer, of No. 172 Delancey +Street. The Fates decree that he shall "pizon his first wife." +HOORAY! 147 + +CHAPTER VIII. gives a history of how Mrs. Hayes, the Clairvoyant, +of No. 176 Grand Street, does the Conjuring Trick. 169 + +CHAPTER IX. tells all about Mrs. Seymour, the Clairvoyant, +of No. 110 Spring Street, and what she had to say. 195 + +CHAPTER X. describes Madame Carzo, the "Brazilian Astrologist," +and gives all the romantic adventures of the "Individual" +with the gay South American Maid. 215 + +CHAPTER XI. In which is set down the prophecy of Madame +Leander Lent, of No. 163 Mulberry Street; and how she +promised her customer numerous wives and children. 239 + +CHAPTER XII. Wherein are described all the particulars of a +visit to the "Gipsy Girl," of No. 207 Third Avenue; with +an allusion to Gin, and other luxuries dear to the heart of +that beautiful Rover. 261 + +CHAPTER XIII. contains a true account of the Magic Establishment +of Mrs. Fleury, of No. 263 Broome Street; and also shows the +exact amount of Witchcraft that snuffy personage can afford for +one dollar. 281 + +CHAPTER XIV. describes an interview with the "Cullud" Seer Mr. +Grommer, of No. 34 North Second Street, Williamsburgh, and what +that respectable Whitewasher and Prophet told his visitor. 305 + +CHAPTER XV. How the Individual called on Madame Clifton +of No. 185 Orchard Street, and how that amiable and gifted +"Seventh daughter of a Seventh daughter," prophesied his +speedy death and destruction--together with all about the +"Chinese Ruling Planet Charm." 327 + +CHAPTER XVI. details the particulars of a morning call on +Madame Harris, and how she covered up her beautiful head +in a black bag. 353 + +CHAPTER XVII. Treats of the peculiarities of Several Witches +in a single batch. 371 + +CHAPTER XVIII. Conclusion. 395 + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +Which is simply explanatory, so far as regards the book, but in +which the author takes occasion to pay himself several merited +compliments, on the score of honesty, ability, etc. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +WHICH IS MERELY EXPLANATORY. + + +The first undertaking of the author of these pages will be to +convince his readers that he has not set about making a merely +funny book, and that the subject of which he writes is one that +challenges their serious and earnest attention. Whatever of +humorous description may be found in the succeeding chapters, is +that which grows legitimately out of certain features of the +theme; for there has been no overstrained effort to _make_ fun +where none naturally existed. + +The Witches of New York exert an influence too powerful and too +wide-spread to be treated with such light regard as has been too +long manifested by the community they have swindled for so many +years; and it is to be desired that the day may come when they +will be no longer classed with harmless mountebanks, but with +dangerous criminals. + +People, curious in advertisements, have often read the +"Astrological" announcements of the newspapers, and have turned +up their critical noses at the ungrammatical style thereof, and +indulged the while in a sort of innocent wonder as to whether +these transparent nets ever catch any gulls. These matter-of-fact +individuals have no doubt often queried in a vague, purposeless +way, if there really can be in enlightened New York any +considerable number of persons who have faith in charms and +love-powders, and who put their trust in the prophetic infallibility +of a pack of greasy playing-cards. It may open the eyes of these +innocent querists to the popularity of modern witchcraft to learn +that the nineteen she-prophets who advertise in the daily +journals of this city are visited every week by an average of +_sixteen hundred people_, or at the rate of more than a dozen +customers a day for each one; and of this immense number +probably two-thirds place implicit confidence in the miserable +stuff they hear and pay for. + +It is also true that although a part of these visitors are +ignorant servants, unfortunate girls of the town, or uneducated +overgrown boys, still there are among them not a few men engaged +in respectable and influential professions, and many merchants of +good credit and repute, who periodically consult these women, and +are actually governed by their advice in business affairs of +great moment. + +Carriages, attended by liveried servants, not unfrequently stop +at the nearest respectable corner adjoining the abode of a +notorious Fortune-Teller, while some richly-dressed but +closely-veiled woman stealthily glides into the habitation of the +Witch. Many ladies of wealth and social position, led by +curiosity, or other motives, enter these places for the purpose +of hearing their "fortunes told." When these ladies are informed +of the true character of the houses they have thus entered, and +the real business of many of these women whose fortune-telling is +but a screen to intercept the public gaze from it, it is not +likely that any one of them will ever compromise her reputation +by another visit. + +People who do not know anything about the subject will perhaps be +surprised to hear that most of these humbug sorceresses are now, +or have been in more youthful and attractive days, women of the +town, and that several of their present dens are vile assignation +houses; and that a number of them are professed abortionists, who +do as much perhaps in the way of child-murder as others whose +names have been more prominently before the world; and they will +be astonished to learn that these chaste sibyls have an +understood partnership with the keepers of houses of +prostitution, and that the opportunities for a lucrative playing +into each other's hands are constantly occurring. + +The most terrible truth connected with this whole subject is the +fact that the greater number of these female fortune-tellers are +but doing their allotted part in a scheme by which, in this city, +the wholesale seduction of ignorant, simple-hearted girls, in +the lower walks of life, has been thoroughly systematized. + +The fortune-teller is the only one of the organization whose +operations may be known to the public; the other workers--the +masculine go-betweens who lead the victims over the space +intervening between her house and those of deeper shame--are kept +out of sight and are unheard of. There is a straight path between +these two points which is travelled every year by hundreds of +betrayed young girls, who, but for the superstitious snares of +the one, would never know the horrible realities of the other. +The exact mode of proceeding adopted by these conspirators +against virtue, the details of their plans, the various +stratagems by which their victims are snared and led on to +certain ruin, are not fit subjects for the present chapter; but +any individual who is disposed to prosecute the inquiry for +himself will find in the various police records much matter for +his serious cogitation, and may there discover the exact +direction in which to continue his investigations with the +certainty of demonstrating these facts to his perfect satisfaction. + +A few months ago, at the suggestion of the editor of one of the +leading daily newspapers of America, a series of articles was +written about the fortune-tellers of New York city, and these +articles were in due time published in that journal, and +attracted no little attention from its readers. These chapters, +with such alterations as were requisite, and with many additions, +form the bulk of this present volume. + +The work has been conscientiously done. Every one of the +fortune-tellers described herein was personally visited by the +"Individual," and the predictions were carefully noted down at +the time, word for word; the descriptions of the necromantic +ladies and their surroundings are accurate, and can be corroborated +by the hundreds who have gone over the same ground before and +since. They were treated in the most fair and frank manner; the +same data as to time and date of birth, age, nationality, etc., +were given in all cases, and the same questions were put to all, +so that the absurd differences in their statements and predictions +result from the unmitigated humbug of their pretended art, and +from no misinformation or misrepresentation on the part of the +seeker after mystic knowledge. + +This latter person was perfectly unknown to the worthy ladies of +the black art profession; he was to them simply an individual, +one of the many-headed public, a cash customer, who paid +liberally for all he required, and who, by reason of the dollars +he disbursed, was entitled to the very best witchcraft in the +market. + +And he got it. + +He undertook a few short journeys in search of the marvellous; he +went on a couple of dozen voyages of discovery without going out +of sight of home; he penetrated to the out-of-the-way regions, +where the two-and-sixpenny witches of our own time grow. He got +his fill of the cheap prophecy of the day, and procured of the +oracles in person their oracularest sayings, at the very highest +market price. For the business-like seers of this age are easily +moved to prophesy by the sight of current moneys of the land, no +matter who presents the same; whereas the oracles of the olden +time dealt only with kings and princes, and nothing less than the +affairs of an entire nation, or a whole territory, served to get +their slow prophetic apparatus into working trim. To the +necromancers of early days the anxieties of private individuals +were as naught, and from the shekels of humble life they turned +them contemptuously away. + +It is probably a thorough conviction of the necessity of eating +and drinking, and a constant contemplation from a Penitentiary +point of view of the consequences of so doing without paying +therefor, that induces our modern witches to charge a specific +sum for the exercise of their art, and to demand the inevitable +dollar in advance. + +Whatever there is of Sorcery, Astrology, Necromancy, Prophecy, +Fortune-telling, and the Black Art generally, practised at this +time by the professional Witches of New York, is here honestly +set down. + +Should any other individual become particularly interested in the +subject, and desire to go back of the present record and make his +exploration personally among the Fortune-tellers, he will find +their present addresses in the newspapers of the day, and can +easily verify what is herein written. + +With these remarks as to the intention of this book, the reader +is referred by the Cash Customer to the succeeding chapters for +further information. And the public will find in the advertisements, +appended to the name and number of each mysteriously gifted lady, +the pleasing assurance that she will be happy to see, not only +the Cash Customer of the present writing, but also any and all +other customers, equally cash, who are willing to pay the +customary cash tribute. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +Is devoted to the glorification of Madame Prewster of No. 373 +Bowery, the Pioneer Witch of New York. The "Individual" also +herein bears his testimony that she is oily and water-proof. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +MADAME PREWSTER, No. 373 BOWERY. + + +This woman is one of the most dangerous of all those in the city +who are engaged in the swindling trade of Fortune Telling, and +has been professionally known to the police and the public of New +York for about fourteen years. The amount of evil she has +accomplished in that time is incalculable, for she has been by no +means idle, nor has she confined her attention even to what +mischief she could work by the exercise of her pretended magic, +but if the authenticity of the records may be relied on, she has +borne a principal part in other illicit transactions of a much +more criminal nature. She has been engaged in the "Witch" +business in this city for more years than has any other one whose +name is now advertised to the public. + +If the history of her past life could be published, it would +astound even this community, which is not wont to be startled out +of its propriety by criminal development, for if justice were +done, Madame Prewster would be at this time serving the State in +the Penitentiary for her past misdoings; but, in some of these +affairs of hers, men of so much _respectability_ and political +influence have been implicated, that, having sure reliance on +their counsel and assistance, the Madame may be regarded as +secure from punishment, even should any of her many victims +choose to bring her into court. + +The quality of her Witchcraft, by which she ostensibly lives, and +the amount of faith to be reposed in her mystic predictions, may +be seen from the history of a visit to her domicile, which is +hereunto appended in the very words of the "Individual" who made +it. + + + The "Cash Customer" makes his first Voyage in a Shower, + but encounters an Oily and Waterproof Witch at the end + of his Journey. + +It rained, and it _meant_ to rain, and it set about it with a +will. + +It was as if some "Union Thunderstorm Company" was just then +paying its consolidated attention to the city and county of New +York; or, as if some enterprising Yankee of hydraulic tendencies, +had contracted for a second deluge and was hurrying up the job to +get his money; or, as if the clouds were working by the job; or, +as if the earth was receiving its rations of rain for the year in +a solid lump; or, as if the world had made a half-turn, leaving +in the clouds the ocean and rivers, and those auxiliaries to +navigation were scampering back to their beds as fast as +possible; or, as if there had been a scrub-race to the earth +between a score or more full-grown rain storms, and they were all +coming in together, neck-and-neck, at full speed. + +Despite the juiciness of these opening sentences, the +"Individual" does not propose to accompany the account of his +heroical setting-forth on his first witch-journey with any +inventory of natural scenery and phenomena, or with any +interesting remarks on the wind and weather. Those who have a +taste for that sort of thing will find in a modern circulating +library, elaborate accounts of enough "dew-spangled grass" to +make hay for an army of Nebuchadnezzars and a hundred troops of +horse--of "bright-eyed daisies" and "modest violets," enough to +fence all creation with a parti-colored hedge--of "early larks" +and "sweet-singing nightingales," enough to make musical pot-pies +and harmonious stews for twenty generations of Heliogabaluses; to +say nothing of the amount of twaddle we find in American +sensation books about "hawthorn hedges" and "heather bells," and +similar transatlantic luxuries that don't grow in America, and +never did. + +And then the sunrises we're treated to, and the sunsets we're +crammed with, and the "golden clouds," the "grand old woods," +the "distant dim blue mountains," the "crystal lakes," the +"limpid purling brooks," the "green-carpeted meadows," and the +whole similar lot of affected bosh, is enough to shake the faith +of a practical man in nature as a natural institution, and to +make him vote her an artificial humbug. + +So the voyager in pursuit of the marvellous, declines to state +how high the thermometer rose or fell in the sun or in the shade, +or whether the wind was east-by-north, or sou'-sou'-west by a +little sou'. + +The "dew on the grass" was not shining, for there was in his +vicinity no dew and no grass, nor anything resembling those rural +luxuries. Nor was it by any means at "early dawn;" on the +contrary, if there be such a commodity in a city as "dawn," +either early or late, that article had been all disposed of +several hours in advance of the period at which this chapter +begins. + +But at midday he set forth alone to visit that prophetess of +renown, Madame Prewster. He was fully prepared to encounter +whatever of the diabolical machinery of the black art might be +put in operation to appal his unaccustomed soul. + +But as he set forth from the respectable domicile where he takes +his nightly roost, it rained, as aforementioned. The driving +drops had nearly drowned the sunshine, and through the sickly +light that still survived, everything looked dim and spectral. +Unearthly cars, drawn by ghostly horses, glided swiftly through +the mist, the intangible apparitions which occupied the drivers' +usual stands hailing passengers with hollow voices, and +proffering, with impish finger and goblin wink, silent +invitations to ride. Fantastic dogs sneaked out of sight round +distant corners, or skulked miserably under phantom carts for an +imaginary shelter. The rain enveloped everything with a grey +veil, making all look unsubstantial and unreal; the human +unfortunates who were out in the storm appeared cloudy and +unsolid, as if each man had sent his shadow out to do his work +and kept his substance safe at home. + +The "Individual" travelled on foot, disdaining the miserable +compromise of an hour's stew in a steaming car, or a prolonged +shower-bath in a leaky omnibus. Being of burly figure and +determined spirit, he walked, knowing that his "too-solid flesh" +would not be likely "to melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a +dew," and firmly believing that he was not born to be drowned. + +He carried no umbrella, preferring to stand up and fight it out +with the storm face to face, and because he detested a contemptible +sneaking subterfuge of an umbrella, pretending to keep him dry, +and all the time surreptitiously leaking small streams down the +back of his neck, and filling his pockets with indigo colored +puddles; and because, also, an umbrella would no more have +protected a man against that storm, than a gun-cotton overcoat +would have availed against the storm of fire that scorched old +Sodom. + +He placed his trust in a huge pair of water-proof boots, and a +felt hat that shed water like a duck. He thrust his arms up to +his elbows into the capacious pockets of his coat, drew his head +down into the turned-up collar of that said garment, like a +boy-bothered mud-turtle, and marched on. + +With bowed head, set teeth, and sturdy step, the cash customer +tramped along, astonishing the few pedestrians in the street by +the energy and emphasis of his remarks in cases of collision, and +attracting people to the windows to look at him as he splashed +his way up the street. He minded them no more than he did the +gentleman in the moon, but drove forward at his best speed, now +breaking his shins over a dry-goods box, then knocking his head +against a lamp-post; now getting a great punch in the stomach +from an unexpected umbrella, then involuntarily gauging the depth +of some unseen puddle, and then getting out of soundings +altogether in a muddy inland sea; now swept almost off his feet +by a sudden torrent of sufficient power to run a saw-mill, and +only recovering himself to find that he was wrecked on the +curbstone of some side street that he didn't want to go to. At +length, after a host of mishaps, including some interesting but +unpleasant submarine explorations in an unusually large mud-hole +into which he fell full-length, he arrived, soaked and savage, at +the house of Madame Prewster. + +This elderly and interesting lady has long been an oily pilgrim +in this vale of tears. The oldest inhabitant cannot remember the +exact period when this truly great prophetess became a fixture in +Gotham, and began to earn her bread and butter by fortune-telling +and kindred occupations. Her unctuous countenance and pinguid +form are known to hundreds on whose visiting lists her name does +not conspicuously appear, and to whom, in the way of business, +she has made revelations which would astonish the unsuspecting +and unbelieving world. She is neither exclusive nor select in her +visitors. Whoever is willing to pay the price, in good money--a +point on which her regulations are stringent--may have the benefit +of her skill, as may be seen by her advertisement: + + "CARD.--Madame PREWSTER returns thanks to her friends + and patrons, and begs to say that, after the + thousands, both in this city and Philadelphia, who have + consulted her with entire satisfaction, she feels + confident that in the questions of astrology, love, and + law matters, and books or oracles, as relied on + constantly by Napoleon, she has no equal. She will tell + the name of the future husband, and also the name of + her visitors. No. 373 Bowery, between Fourth and Fifth + streets." + +The undaunted seeker after mystic lore rang a peal on the +astonished door-bell that created an instantaneous confusion of +the startled inmates. There was a good deal of hustling about, +and running hither, thither, and to the other place, before any +one appeared; meantime, the dainty fingers of the damp customer +performed other little solos on the daubed and sticky bell-pull,--and +he also amused himself with inspection of, and comments on, the +German-silver plate on the narrow panel, which bore the name of +the illustrious female who occupied these domains. + +At last the door was opened by a greasy girl, and the visitor was +admitted to the hall, where he stood for a minute, like a +fresh-water merman, "all dripping from the recent flood." + +The juvenile female who had admitted him thus far, evidently took +him for a disreputable character, and stood prepared to prevent +depredations. She planted herself firmly before him in the narrow +hall in an attitude of self-defence, and squaring off scientifically, +demanded his business. Astrology was mentioned, whereupon the +threatening fists were lowered, the saucy under-jaw was +retracted, and the general air of pugnacity was subdued into a +very suspicious demeanor, as if she thought he hadn't any money, +and wanted to storm the castle under false pretences. She +informed him that before matters went any further, he must buy +tickets, which she was prepared to furnish, on receipt of a +dollar and a half; he paid the money, which transaction seemed to +raise him in her estimation to the level of a man who might +safely be trusted where there was nothing he could steal. One +fist she still kept loaded, ready to instantly repel any attack +which might be suddenly made by her designing enemy, the other +hand cautiously departed petticoatward, and after groping about +some time in a concealed pocket, produced from the mysterious +depth a card, too dirty for description, on which these words +were dimly visible: + + +----------------------------+ + | c N | + | e o | + | 5 n MADAME PREWSTER . | + | 0 t 411 GRAND STREET. | + | s 1 | + +----------------------------+ + +The belligerent girl then led the way through a narrow hall, up +two flights of stairs into a cold room, where she desired her +visitor to be seated. She then carefully locked one or two doors +leading into adjoining rooms, put the keys in her pocket, and +departed. Before her exit she made a sly demonstration with her +fists and feet, as if she was disposed to break the truce, +commence hostilities, and punch his unprotected head, without +regard to the laws of honorable warfare. She departed, however, +at last, without violence, though the voyager could hear her +pause on each landing, probably debating whether it wasn't best +after all to go back and thrash him before the opportunity was +lost for ever. + +This grand reception-room was an apartment about six feet by +eight; it was uncarpeted, and was luxuriously furnished with six +wooden chairs, one stove, with no spark of fire, one feeble +table, one spittoon, and two coal-scuttles. + +The view from the window was picturesque to a degree, being made +up of cats, clothes-lines, chimneys, and crockery, and occasionally, +when the storm lifted, a low roof near by suggested stables. The +odor which filled the air had at least the merit of being +powerful, and those to whose noses it was grateful, could not +complain that they did not get enough of it. Description must +necessarily fall far short of the reality, but if the reader will +endeavor to imagine a couple of oil-mills, a Peck-slip ferry-boat, +a soap-and-candle manufactory, and three or four bone-boiling +establishments being simmered together over a slow fire in his +immediate vicinity, he may possibly arrive at a faint and distant +notion of the greasy fragrance in which the abode of Madame +Prewster is immersed. + +For an hour and a half by the watch of the Cash Customer (which +being a cheap article, and being alike insensible to the voice of +reason and the persuasions of the watchmaker, would take its own +time to do its work, and the long hands of which generally +succeeded in getting once round the dial in about eighty minutes) +was this too damp individual incarcerated in the room by the +order of the implacable Madame Prewster. + +He would long before the end of that time have forfeited his +dollar and a half and beaten an inglorious retreat, but that he +feared an ambuscade and a pitching-into at the fair hands of the +warlike servant. + +Finally, this last-named individual came to the rescue, and +conducted him by a circuitous route, and with half-suppressed +demonstrations of animosity, to the basement. This room was +evidently the kitchen, and was fitted up with the customary iron +and brazen apparatus. + +A feeble child, just old enough to run alone, had constructed a +child's paradise in the lee of the cooking-stove, and was seated +on a dinner-pot, with one foot in a saucepan; it had been playing +on the wash-boiler like a drum, but was now engaged in decorating +some loaves of unbaked bread with bits of charcoal and splinters +from the broom. + +The fighting servant retreated to the far end of the apartment, +where she began to wash dishes with vindictive earnestness, +stopping at short intervals to wave her dish-cloth savagely as a +challenge to instant single combat. There was nothing visible +that savored of astrology or magic, unless some tin candlesticks +with battered rims could be cabalistically construed. + +Madame Prewster, the renowned, sat majestically in a Windsor +rocking-chair, extra size, with a large pillow comfortably tucked +in behind her illustrious and rheumatic back. Her prophetic feet +rested on a wooden stool; her oracular neck was bound with a +bright-colored shawl; her necromantic locomotive apparatus was +incased in a great number of predictive petticoats, and her +whole aspect was portentous. She is a woman who may be of any age +from 45 to 120, for her face is so oily that wrinkles won't stay +in it; they slip out and leave no trace. She is an unctuous +woman, with plenty of material in her--enough, in fact, for two or +three. She is adipose to a degree that makes her circumference +problematical, and her weight a mere matter of conjecture. +Moreover, one instantly feels that she is thoroughly water-proof, +and is certain that if she could be induced to shed tears, she +would weep lard oil. + +Grim, grizzled, and stony-eyed, is this juicy old Sibyl; and she +glared fearfully on the hero with her fishy optics, until he +wished he hadn't done anything. + +She was evidently just out of bed, although it was long past +noon, and when she yawned, which she did seven times a minute on +a low average, the effect was gloomy and cavernous, and the timid +delegate in search of the mysterious trembled in his boots. + +At last, he with uncovered head and timid demeanor presented his +card entitling him to twelve shillings' worth of witchcraft, and +made an humble request to have it honored. He had previously, +while pretending to warm himself at the stove, been occupied in +making horrible grimaces at the baby, and then sketching it in +his hat as it disfigured its own face by frantic screams; and he +also took a quiet revenge on the pugnacious servant by making a +picture of her in a fighting attitude, with one eye bunged and +her jaw knocked round to her left ear. + +When the ponderous Witch had got all ready for business, and had +taken a very long greasy stare at her customer, as if she was +making up her mind what sort of a customer on the whole he might +be, she determined to begin her mighty magic. So she took up the +cards, which were almost as greasy as she herself, and prepared +for business, previously giving one most tremendous yawn, which +opened her sacred jaws so wide that only a very narrow isthmus of +hair behind her ears connected the top of her respected head with +the back of her venerated neck. + +She then presented the cards for her customer to cut, and when he +had accomplished that feat, which he did in some perturbation, +she ran them carelessly over between her fingers, and began to +speak very slowly, and without much thought of what she was +about, as if it was a lesson she had learned by heart. + +Each word slipped smoothly out from her fat lips as if it had +been anointed with some patent lubricator, and her speech was as +follows:-- + +"You have seen much trouble, some of it in business, and some of +it in love, but there are brighter days in store for you before +long--you face up a letter--you face up love--you face up +marriage--you face up a light-haired woman, with dark eyes, you +think a great deal of her, and she thinks a great deal of you; +but then she faces up a dark complexioned man, which is bad for +you--you must take care and look out for him, for he is trying to +injure you--she likes you the best, but you must look out for the +man--you face up better luck in business, you face a change in +your business, but be careful, or it will not bring you much +money--you do not face up a great deal of money." + +(Here followed a huge yawn which again nearly left the top of her +head an island.) Then she resumed, "If you will tell me the +number of letters in the lady's name, I will tell you what her +name is." + +This demand was unexpected, but her cool and collected customer +replied at random, "Four." The she-Falstaff then referred to a +book wherein was written a long list of names, of varying lengths +from one syllable to six, and selecting the names with four +letters, began to ask. + +"Is it Emma?" "No." "Anna?" "No." "Ella?" "No?" "Jane?" "No." +"Etta?" "No." "Lucy?" "No." "Cora?" "No." At last, finding that +she would run through all the four-letter names in the language, +and that he must eventually say something, he agreed to let his +"true love's" name be Mary. Then she continued her remarks: "You +face up Mary, you love Mary; Mary is a good girl. You will marry +Mary at last; but Mary is not now here--Mary is far away; but do +not fear, for you shall have Mary." + +Then she proposed to tell the name of our reporter in the same +mysterious manner, and on being told that it contains eight +letters, the first of which is "M," she turned to her register +and again began to read. It so happens that the proper names +answering to the description are very few, and the right one did +not happen to be on her list; so in a short time the greasy +prophetess became confused, and slipped off the track entirely, +and after asking about two hundred names of various dimensions, +from Mark to Melchisedek, she gave it up in despair and glared on +her twelve-shilling patron as if she thought he was trifling with +her, and she would like to eat him up alive for his presumption. + +Then she suddenly changed her mode of operation and made the +fearful remark: "Now you may wish three wishes, and I will tell +whether you will get them or not." + +She then laid out the cards into three piles, and her visitor +stated his wishes aloud, and received the gratifying information +in three instalments, that he would live to be rich, to marry the +light-haired maiden, and to effectually smash the dark-complexioned man. + +Then she said: "You may now wish one wish in secret, and I will +tell you whether you will get it." Our avaricious hero instantly +wished for an enormous amount of ready money, which she kindly +promised, but which he has not yet seen the color of. + +He asked about his prospective wives and children, with +unsatisfactory results. One wife and four children was, she said, +the outside limit. At this juncture she began to wriggle uneasily +in her chair, and her considerate patron respected her "rheumatics" +and took his leave. This conference, although the results may be +read by a glib-tongued person in five minutes, occupied more than +three-quarters of an hour--Madame Prewster's diction being slow +and ponderous in proportion to her size. + +He now prepared to depart, and with a parting contortion of his +countenance, of terrible malignity, at the unfortunate baby, +which caused that weird brat to fling itself flat on its back and +scream in agony of fear, he informed the Madame with mock +deference that he would not wait any longer. He was then attended +to the door by the bellicose maiden, who seemed to have fathomed +his deep dealings with the infuriate infant, and to be desirous +of giving him bloody battle in the hall, but as he had remarked +that she had a rolling-pin hidden under her apron, and as he was +somewhat awed by the sanguinary look of her dish-cloth, he choked +down his blood-thirstiness and ingloriously retreated. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +Wherein are related divers strange things of Madame Bruce, the +"Mysterious Veiled Lady," of No. 513 Broome Street. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +MADAME BRUCE, "THE MYSTERIOUS VEILED LADY," No. 513 BROOME +STREET. + + +The woman who assumes the title of "The Mysterious Veiled Lady," +is much younger in the Black Art trade than Madame Prewster, and +has only been publicly known as a "Fortune-Teller" for about six +years. The mysterious veil is assumed partly for the very +mystery's sake, and partly to hide a countenance which some of +her visitors might desire to identify on after occasions. She +confines herself more exclusively to telling fortunes than do +many of the others, and has never yet made her appearance in a +Police Court to answer to an accusation of a grave crime. She has +many customers, and might have a respectable account at the bank +if she were disposed to commit her moneys to the care of those +careful institutions. + +It may be mentioned here, however, as a curious fact, that +although all the "witches" profess to be able to "tell lucky +numbers," and will at any time give a paying customer the exact +figures which they are willing to prophesy will draw the capital +prize in any given lottery, their skill invariably fails them +when they undertake to do anything in the wheel-of-fortune way on +their own individual behalf. No one of the professional +fortune-tellers was ever known to draw a rich prize in a lottery, +or to make a particularly lucky "hit" on a policy number, +notwithstanding the fact that most of them make large investments +in those uncertain financial speculations. Madame Bruce is no +exception to this general rule, and the propinquity of the +"lottery agency" and the "policy-shop," just round the corner, +must be accepted in explanation of the fact that this gifted lady +has no balance in her favor at the banker's. + +The quality of her magic and other interesting facts about her +are best set forth in the words of the anxious seeker after +hidden lore, who paid her a visit one pleasant afternoon in +August. + + + The "Individual" visits Madame Bruce and has a + Conference with that Mysterious Veiled Personage. + +A man of strong nerves can recover from the effects of a +professional interview with the ponderous Prewster in about a +week; delicately organized persons, particularly susceptible to +supernatural influences, might be so overpowered by the +manifestations of her cabalistic lore as to affect their +appetites for a whole lunar month, and have bad dreams till the +moon changed; but the daring traveller of this veracious history +was convalescent in ten days. It is true, that, even after that +time, he, in his dreams, would imagine himself engaged in +protracted single combats with the heroine of the rolling-pin, +and once or twice awoke in an agony of fear, under the impression +that he had been worsted in the fight, and that the conquering +fair one was about to cook him in a steamer, or stew him into +charity soup, and season him strong with red pepper; or broil him +on a gridiron and serve him up on toast to Madame Prewster, like +a huge woodcock. In one gastronomic nightmare of a dream he even +fancied that the triumphant maiden had tied him, hand and foot, +with links of sausages, then tapped his head with an auger, +screwed a brass faucet into his helpless skull, and was preparing +to draw off his brains in small quantities to suit cannibalic +retail customers. + +But he eventually recovered his equanimity, his nocturnal visions +of the warlike servant became less terrible, and he gradually +ceased to think of her, except with a dim sort of half-way +remembrance, as of some fearful danger, from which many years +before he had been miraculously preserved. + +When he had reached this state of mind, he was ready to proceed +with his inquiries into the mysteries of the cheap and nasty +necromancy of the day, and to encounter the rest of the +fifty-cent Sybils with an unperturbed spirit. Accordingly, he +girded up his loins, and prepared the necessary amount of one +dollar bills; for, with a most politic and necessary carefulness, +he always made his own change. + +[Note of caution to the future observer of these Modern Witches: +Never let one of them "break" a large bank-bill for you, and give +you small notes in exchange, lest the small bills be much more +badly broken than the large one. Not that the witches' money, +like the fairies' gold, will be likely to turn into chips and +pebbles in your pocket, but all these fortune-tellers are expert +passers of counterfeit and broken bank-notes and bogus coin; and +they never lose an opportunity thus to victimize a customer.] + +Fortified with dinner, dessert, and cigars, the cash customer +departed on his voyage of discovery in search of "MADAME BRUCE, +THE MYSTERIOUS VEILED LADY," who carries on all the business she +can get by the subjoined advertisement: + + "ASTONISHING TO ALL.-Madame BRUCE, the Mysterious + Veiled Lady, can be consulted on all events of life, at + No. 513 Broome st., one door from Thompson. She is a + second-sight seer, and was born with a natural gift." + +The "Individual," modestly speaking of himself in the third +person, admits that, being then a single man of some respectability, +he was at that very period looking out for a profitable partner +of his bosom, sorrows, joys, and expenses. He naturally preferred +one who could do something towards taking a share of the +expensive responsibility of a family off his hands, and was not +disposed to object to one who was even afflicted with money;--next +to that woman, whom he had not yet discovered, a lady with a +"natural gift" for money-making was evidently the most eligible +of matrimonial speculations. Whether he really cherished an +humble hope that the veil of Madame Bruce might be of semi-transparent +stuff, and that she might discover and be smitten by his manly +charms, and ask his hand in marriage, and eventually bear him +away, a blushing husband, to the altar, or whatever might be +hastily substituted for that connubial convenience, will never be +officially known to the world. Certain it is that he expected +great results of some sort to eventuate from his visit to this +obnubilated prophetess, and that he paid extraordinary attention +to the decoration of the external homo, and to the administration +of encouraging stimuli to the inner individual, probably with a +view to submerge, for the time, his characteristic bashfulness, +before he set out to visit the fair inscrutable of Broome-street. + +The nature of his secret cogitations, as he walked along, was +somewhat as follows, though he himself has never before revealed +the same to mortal man. + +He was of course uncertain as to her personal attractiveness; +owing to that mysterious veil there was a doubt as to her +surpassing beauty. At any rate he did not regret the time spent +on his toilet. + +Madame Bruce might be a lady of the most transcendent loveliness, +or she might possess a countenance after the style of Mokanna, +the Veiled Prophet; in either case, a clean shirt collar and a +little extra polish on the boots would be a touching tribute of +respect. He thought over the stories of the Oriental ladies, so +charmingly and complexly described in the "Arabian Nights' +Entertainments," and in some strange way he connected Madame +Bruce with Eastern associations; he remembered that in Asiatic +countries the arts of enchantment are the staple of fashionable +female education; that the women imbibe the elements of magic +from their wet nurses, and that their power of charming is +gradually and surely developed by years and competent instructors, +until they are able to go forth into the world, and raise the +devil on their own hook. + +In this case the veil was of the East, Eastern; and what was more +probable than that the "Mysterious Veiled Lady" was that +fascinating Oriental young woman whose attainments in magic made +her the dire terror of her enemies, most of whom she changed into +pigs, and oxen, and monkeys, and other useful domestic animals; +who had transformed her unruly grandfather into a cat of the +species called Tom; had metamorphosed her vicious aunt into a +screech-owl, and had turned an ungentlemanly second-cousin into a +one-eyed donkey. + +What a treasure, thought the "Individual," would such an +accomplished wife be in republican America,--how exceedingly +useful in the case of her husband's rivals for Custom-house +honors, and how invaluable when creditors become clamorous. What +a perfect treasure would a wife be who could turn a clamorous +butcher into spring lamb, and his brown apron and leather +breeches into the indispensable peas and mint-sauce to eat him +with; who could make the rascally baker instantly become a green +parrot with only power to say, "Pretty Polly wants a cracker;" +who could transform the dunning tailor into a greater goose than +any in his own shop; who could go to Stewart's, buy a couple of +thousands of dollars' worth of goods, and then turn the clerks +into cockroaches, and scrunch them with her little gaiter if they +interfered with her walking off with the plunder; or who, in the +event of a scarcity of money, could invite a select party of +fifty or sixty friends to a nice little dinner, and then change +the whole lot into lions, tigers, giraffes, elephants, and +ostriches, and sell the entire batch to Van Amburgh & Co. at a +high premium, as a freshly imported menagerie, all very fat and +valuable. + +Then he came down from this rather elevated flight of fancy, and +filled away on another tack. Before he reached the house he had +fully made up his mind that Madame Bruce, the Mysterious Veiled +Lady, must be a stray Oriental Princess in reduced circumstances, +cruelly thrust from the paternal mansion by the infuriated +proprietor, her father, and compelled to seek her fortune in a +strange land. He had never seen a princess, and he resolved to +treat this one with all respect and loyal veneration; to do this, +if possible, without compromising his conscience as a republican +and a voter in the tenth ward,--but to do it at all hazards. + +The immense fortune which would undoubtedly be hers in the event +of the relenting of her brutal though opulent father, suggested +the feasibility of a future elopement, and a legal marriage, +according to the forms of any country that she preferred--he +couldn't bethink him of a Persian justice of the peace, but he +did not despair of being able to manage it to her entire and +perfect satisfaction. + +Her undoubted great misfortunes had touched his tender heart. He +would see this suffering Princess--he would tender his sympathy +and offer his hand and the fortune he hoped she would be able to +make for him. If this was haughtily declined there would still +remain the poor privilege of buying a dose of magic, paying the +price in current money, and letting her make her own change. + +Having matured this disinterested resolve, he proceeded calmly on +his journey, wondering as he walked along, whether, in the event +of a gracious reception by his Princess, it would be more courtly +and correct to kneel on both knees, or to make an Oriental +cushion of his overcoat and sit down cross-legged on the floor. + +This knotty point was not settled to his entire satisfaction when +he reached that lovely portion of fairy-land near the angle of +Broome and Thompson streets. The Princess had taken up her +temporary residence in the tenant-house No. 513 Broome, which, +elegant mansion affords a refuge to about seventeen other +families, mostly Hibernian, without very high pretensions to +aristocracy. + +His ring at the door of the noble mansion was answered by a +grizzly woman speaking French very badly broken, in fact +irreparably fractured. This grizzly Gaul let him into the house, +heard his request to see Madame Bruce, and then she called to a +shock-headed boy who was looking over the bannisters, to come and +take the visitor in charge. + +Two minutes' observation convinced the distinguished caller that +the servants of the Princess were not particular in the matter of +dirt. + +The walls were stained, discolored, and bedaubed, and the floor +had a sufficient thickness of soil for a vegetable garden; at one +end of the hall, indeed, an Irish woman was on her knees, making +experimental excavations, possibly with a view to planting early +lettuce and peppergrass. + +A glance at the shock-headed boy showed a peculiarity in his +visual organs; his eyes, which were black naturally, had +evidently suffered in some kind of a fisticuff demonstration, and +one of them still showed the marks; it was twice black, naturally +and artificially; it had a dual nigritude, and might, perhaps, be +called a double-barrelled black eye. This pleasant young man +conducted his visitor to the top of the first flight of stairs, +where he said, "Please stop here a minute," and disappeared into +the Princess's room, leaving her devoted slave alone in the hall +with two aged washtubs and a battered broom. There ensued an +immediate flurry in the rooms of the Princess, and the customer +thought of the forty black slaves, with jars of jewels on their +heads, who, in Oriental countries, are in the habit of receiving +princesses' visitors with all the honors. He hardly thought to +see the forty black slaves, with the jars of gems, but rather +expected the shock-headed youth to presently reappear, with a mug +of rubies, or a kettle of sapphires and emeralds, and invite him +in courtly language to help himself to a few--or, that that active +young man would presently come out with an amethyst snuff-box +full of diamond-dust and ask him to take a pinch, and then +present him with that expensive article as a slight token of +respect from the Princess. + +"Not so, not so, my child." + +The great shuffling and pitching about of things continued, as if +the furniture had been indulging in an extemporaneous jig, and +couldn't stop on so short a notice, or else objected to any +interruption of the festivities. + +Finally the rattling of chairs and tables subsided into a calm, +and the boy reappeared. He came, however, without the tea-kettle +full of valuables, and minus even the snuff-box; he merely +remarked, with an insinuating wink of the lightest-colored eye, +"Please to walk this way." + +It _did_ please his auditor to walk in the designated direction, +and he entered the room, when the eye spoke again to a very low +accompaniment of the voice, as if he was afraid he might damage +that organ by playing on it too loudly. + +The anxious visitor looked for the Princess, but not seeing her, +or the slaves with the pots of jewels, and observing, also, that +the chairs were not too luxuriously gorgeous for people to sit +on, he sat down. + +A single glance convinced him that the Princess could have had no +opportunity to carry off her jewels from her eastern home, or +that she must have spent the proceeds before she furnished her +present domicile. An iron bedstead, a small cooking-stove, four +chairs, and a table, on which the breakfast crockery stood +unwashed, was the amount of the furniture. A dirty slatternly +young woman of about twenty-three years, with filthy hands and +uncombed hair, and whose clothes looked as if they had been +tossed on with a pitchfork, seated herself in one of the chairs +and commenced conversation--not in Persian. It was one o'clock, +P.M., but she attempted an apology for the unmade bed, the +unswept room, the unwashed breakfast dishes, and the untidy +appearance of everything. Before she had concluded her fruitless +explanation, the boy with the variegated eye suddenly came from +a closet which the customer had not noticed and was unprepared +for, and said, in winning tones, "Please to walk in this room," +which was done, with some fear and no little trembling, whereupon +the optical youth incontinently vanished. + +At last, then, the imaginative visitor stood in the presence of +royalty, and beheld the wronged Princess of his heart. He was +about to drop on his bended knees to pay his premeditated homage, +but a hurried glance at the floor showed that such a course of +proceeding would result in the ineffaceable soiling of his best +pantaloons; so he stood sturdily erect. + +Before he suffered his eyes to rest upon the peerless beauty who, +he was convinced, stood before him, he took a survey of the regal +apartment. + +An unpainted pine table stood in the corner, a gaudily colored +shade was at the window, and an iron single bedstead upon which +the clothes had been hastily "spread up," and two chairs, on one +of which sat the enchantress, completed the list. + +The Princess was attired in deep black, and a thick black veil, +reaching from her head to her waist, entirely concealed her +features from the beholders who still devoutly believed in her +royal birth and cruel misfortunes--nor was this belief dissipated +until she spoke; but when she called "Pete" to the double-barrelled +youth with the eye, and gave him a "blowing up" in the most +emphatic kind of English for not bringing her pocket-handkerchief, +then the beautiful Princess of his imagination vanished into the +thinnest kind of air, and there remained only the unromantic +reality of a very vulgar woman, in a very dirty dress, and who +had a very bad cold in her head. There was still a hope that she +might be pretty, and her would-be admirer fervently trusted that +she might be compelled to lift her veil to blow her nose, but she +didn't do it. Then he offered her his hand, not in marriage, but +for her to read his fortune in, and stood, no longer trembling +with expectation, but with stony indifference, for as he +approached her, a strong odor of an onion-laden breath from +beneath the veil, gave the death-blow to the fair creature of his +imagination, and convinced him that he had got the wrong ---- +Princess by the fist. She looked at him closely for a couple of +minutes, and then spoke these words--the peculiar pronunciation +being probably induced by the cold in her head. + +"You are a badd who has saw a great beddy chadges add it seebs +here as if you was goidg to be bore settled in the future--it +seebs here like as if you had sobetibes in your life beed very +buch cast dowd, but it seebs here like as if you had always got +up agaid.--It seebs here like as if you had saw id your past life +sobe lady what you liked very buch add had beed disappointed--it +seebs here like as if there was two barriages for you, wud id a +very short tibe--wud lady seebs here to stadd very dear to you, +add you two bay be barried or you bay dot--if you are dot already +barried you will be very sood--it seebs here as if you woulddt +have a very large fabily--five childred will be all that you will +have--you will have a good deal of buddy (money) id your life--sobe +of your relatives what you dever have saw will sood die add leave +you sobe property--but you will dot be expectidg it add it seebs +here as if you would have trouble id getting it, for there will +sobe wud else try to get it away frob you--it seebs as if the lady +you will barry will dot be too dark cobplexiod, dor yet too +light--dot too tall, dor yet very short, dot too large, dor too +thid--she thidks a great deal of you, bore thad you do of her,--you +have already saw her id the course of your life, and she loves +you very buch. There are people about you id your busidess who +are dot so buch your friends as they preted to be--you are goidg +to bake sub chadge id your busidess, it will be a good thidg for +you add will cub out buch better thad you expect." + +Here she stopped and intimated that she would answer any +questions that her customer desired to ask, and in reply to his +interrogatories the following important information was elicited: + +"You will be lodg lived, add you will have two wives, add will +live beddy years with your first wife." + +The "Individual" proclaimed himself satisfied, and paid his +money, whereupon Madame Bruce instantly yelled "Pete," when the +Eye-Boy reappeared to show the door, and the Cash Customer +departed, leaving the Mysterious Veiled Lady shivering on her +stool, and exceedingly desirous of an opportunity to use her +pocket-handkerchief. + +And this is all there was of the Persian Princess. As the seeker +after wisdom went away he made one single audible remark by way +of consoling himself for his crushed hopes and blighted anonymous +love. It was to this effect. "I believe she squints, and I _know_ +she's got bad teeth." + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +Relates the marvellous performances of Madame Widger, of No. 3, +First Avenue, and how she looks into the future through a +Paving-Stone. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +MADAME WIDGER, No. 3 FIRST AVENUE. + + +Madame Widger came from Albany to this city about four years ago, +and at once set up as an "Astrologer." She has been a "witch" for +a great many years, and has, directly and indirectly, done about +as much mischief as it is possible for one person to accomplish +in the same length of time. She was a woman of great repute in +and about Albany, as a fortune-teller, and was supposed to be +conversant with practices more criminal. She at last became so +well known as a bad woman, that she found it advisable to leave +Albany, after she had settled certain lawsuits in which she had +become entangled. + +Among other speculations of hers, in that place, she once sued +the city to recover indemnifying moneys for certain imaginary +damages, alleged to have been done to her property by the +unbidden entrance of the river into her private apartments, +during one of the periodical inundations with which Albany is +favored. By the shrewd management of certain of her lawyer +friends with whom she had business dealings, she at last got a +judgment against the city, but, owing to some other awkward law +complications, it became expedient to change her place of +residence before she had collected her money, and the amount +remains unpaid to this day. + +She then came to this city, and set up in the Sorceress way, and, +by dint of advertising, she soon got a good many customers. She +now has as much to do as she can easily manage to get along with, +is making a good deal of money by "Astrology," and by other more +unscrupulous means; and she is probably worth some considerable +property. She is a bold, brazen, ignorant, unscrupulous, +dangerous woman. She has some peculiar ways of her own in telling +the fortunes of her visitors, and is the only person in the city +who professes to read the future through a magic stone, or +"second-sight pebble." Her manner of using this wonderful +geological specimen is fully described hereafter. + + + The "Individual" Visits a Grim Witch, who reads his + Future through a Moderate-Sized Paving-Stone. + +Disappointed in his fond hope of discovering, in the person of +Madame Bruce, an eligible partner, who should bridal him and lead +him coyly to the altar, that bourne from which no bachelor +returns, the Cash Customer was for many days downcast in his +demeanor and neglectful of his person. When he eventually +recovered from his strong attack of Madame Bruce, he was not by +any means cured of his romantic desire to procure a witch wife. +He had carefully figured up the conveniences of such an article, +and the sum total was an irresistible argument. + +If he could win a witch of the right sort, perhaps she could +teach him the secret of the Philosopher's Stone, and the Elixir +of Life, and show him the locality of the Fountain of Youth, so +that he could take the wrinkles out of himself and his friends, +at the cost of only a short journey by rail-road. A barrel or so +of that wonderful water, peddled out by the bottle, would meet a +readier sale and pay a larger profit than any Paphian Lotion that +was ever advertised on the rocks of Jersey. All this, to say +nothing of a family of young wizards and sorcerers, who could, by +virtue of the maternal magic, swallow swords from the day of +their birth, do mighty feats of legerdemain, such as cutting off +the heads of innumerable pigs and chickens, and producing the +decapitated animals alive again from the coat-tails of the +bystanders, to the astonishment of the crowd and the great +emolument of their proud dad. Even if these profitable babies +should not be natural necromancers, with the power of second +sight, and any quantity of "natural gifts," they must surely be +spirit-rappers of the most lucrative "sphere," capable of +organizing "circles," and instructing "mediums," and otherwise +bringing into the family fund large piles of that circulating +medium so much to be desired. Or, even failing this popular +gift, they _must_ all be born with some strong instincts of +money-making vagabondism. If the girls failed in fortune-telling +they would certainly have a genius for the tight-rope, or a +decided talent for the female circus and negro-minstrel business; +and the boys would be brought into the world with the power of +throwing a miraculous number of consecutive flip-flaps--of putting +cocked hats on their juvenile heads while turning somersets over +long rows of Arab steeds of the desert--of poising their infant +bodies on pyramids of bottles, and drinking glasses of molasses +and water, under the contemptible subterfuge of wine, to the +health of the terror-stricken beholders--or of climbing to the +tops of very tall poles without soiling their spangled dresses, +and there displaying their anatomy for the admiration of the +gazing multitude, in divers attitudes, for the most part +extraordinarily wrong side up with very particular care--or, at +least, they would be born with the astounding gift of tying their +young legs in double bow-knots across the backs of their +adolescent necks, and while in that graceful position kissing +their little fingers to the bewildered audience. + +Under the constant influence of such comfortable and ennobling +thoughts, it is not in the elastic nature of the human mind to +remain long dejected. In the contemplation of the future glories +of his might-be wife and possible family, the "Individual" +recovered somewhat of his former gaiety. Remembering that "Care +killed a cat," he resolved that he would not be chronicled as a +second victim, so he kicked Care out of doors, so to speak, and +warned Despair and Discouragement off the premises. + +He attired him in his best, and appeared once more before the +world in the joyful garb of a man with Hope in his heart and +money in his pantaloons. In fact, so radiant did he appear, that +he might have been set down for a person who had just had a new +main of joy laid on in his heart, and had turned the cocks of all +the pipes, and let on the full head just to see how the new +apparatus worked. Or, as if he'd been in a shower-bath of +good-nature, and come out dripping. + +He also took kindly to that innocuous beverage, lager bier, which +was a good sign in itself, inasmuch as he had, for a few days, +been drinking as many varieties of strong drinks, as if he'd been +brought up on Professor Anderson's Inexhaustible Bottle, and had +never overcome the influences of his infant education. + +Seeking out a friend to whom he confided his hopes of a lucrative +wife and a profitable progeny, the Cash Customer suggested that +they proceed immediately in search of the fair enchantress who +was to be his comfort and consolation, for the rest of his +respectable life. + +Being somewhat disgusted with the result of his visit to the +witch with the romantic designation of the "Mysterious Veiled +Lady," he had determined to seek out one on this occasion with +the most common-place and every-day cognomen, in the whole list. +There being a Madame Widger in that delightful catalogue, of +course Widger was the one selected. It is true, she sometimes +advertised herself as the "Mysterious Spanish Lady," but in the +judgment of the Individual, the Widger was too much for the +Spanish and the mystery. + +So Madame Widger was resolved on. Her modest advertisement is +given, that the impartial reader may be brought to acknowledge +that the inducements to wed the Widger were not of the common +order. + + "MADAME WIDGER, the Natural-Gifted Astrologist, + Second-Sight Seer and Doctress, tells past, present, + and future events; love, courtship, marriage, absent + friends, sickness; prescribes medicines for all + diseases, property lost or stolen, at No. 3 First-av., + near Houston-st." + +The slight lack of perspicuity in this announcement seems to be a +mysterious peculiarity, common to all the Fortune Tellers, as if +they were all imbued with the same commendable contempt for all +the rules of English grammar. + +The voyager being attired in a captivating costume, and being +also provided with pencils and paper to make a life-sketch, with +a view to an expansive portrait of his enslaver, whose beauty was +with him a foregone conclusion, set out with his faithful friend +for the delightful locality mentioned in the advertisement, where +the charming Circe, Widger, held her magic court. + +He was not aware, at that time, that his intended bride was not a +blushing blooming maiden, but an ancient dame, whose very +wrinkles date back into the eighteenth century. But of that +hereafter. + +He was determined to have her tell his "love, courtship, or +marriage, absent friends, or sickness," and to insist that she +should "prescribe medicines for property lost or stolen," +according to the exact wording of the advertisement. + +The doughty "Individual" trembled somewhat, with an undefined +sensation of awe, as though some fearful ordeal was before him--to +use his own elegant and forcible language, he felt as though he +was going to encounter an earthquake with volcano trimmings. + +"It is the fluttering of new-born love in your manly bosom," +remarked his companion. + +"Well," was the reply, "if a baby love kicks so very like a horse +of vicious propensities, a full-grown Cupid would be so +unmanageable as to defy the very Rarey and all his works." + +Without any noteworthy adventure they kept on their way to the +First Avenue, and in due time stood, awe-struck, before the +mansion of the enchantress. + +After the first impression had worn off, the scene was somewhat +stripped of its mysteriousness, and assumed an aspect commonplace, +not to say seedy. As soon as the sense of bewilderment with which +they at first gazed upon the domicile of the mysterious damsel so +favored of the fates, had passed away, they found themselves in a +condition to make the observations of the place and its +surroundings that are detailed below. + +The house, a three-story brick, seemed to have that architectural +disease which is a perpetual epidemic among the tenant-houses of +the city, and which makes them look as if they had all been +dipped in a strong solution of something that had taken the skin +off. The paint was blistered and peeling off in flakes; the +blinds were hanging cornerwise by solitary hinges; the shingles +were starting from their places with a strange air of disquietude, +as if some mighty hand had stroked them the wrong way; the +door-steps were shaky and crazy in the knees; the door itself had +a curious air of debility and emaciation, and the bell-knob was +too weak to return to its place after it had feebly done its +brazen duty. There was no door-plate, but on a battered tin sign +was blazoned, in fat letters, the mystic word "Widger." The Cash +Customer rang the bell, not once merely, or twice, but continuously, +in pursuance of a dogma which he laid down as follows: + +"It is a mistake to ever stop ringing till somebody comes. The +feebler you ring, the more the servants think you're a dun, and +therefore the more they don't come to let you in--but if you keep +it up regularly they'll think you're a rich relation and will +rush to the rescue." + +So he kept on, and the voice of the bell sharply clattered +through the dismal old house, making as much noise as if it +suddenly wakened a thousand echoes that had been locked up there +for many years without the power to speak till now. If a timid +ring denotes a dun, and a boisterous one a rich relation, then +must the inhabitants of that cleanly suburb have been convinced +that the present performer on the bell not only had no claims as +a creditor on the people of the house, but was a rich California +uncle, come to give each adult member of that happy family a gold +mine or so, and to distribute a cart-load of diamonds among the +children. + +The door at last was opened by an uncertain old man with very +weak eyes, who appeared to have, in a milder form, the same +malady which afflicted the house; perhaps he was a twin, and +suffered from brotherly sympathy--at any rate the dilapidating +disease had touched him sorely; its ravages were particularly +noticeable in the toes of his boots and the elbows of his coat. +Violent remedies had evidently been applied in the latter case, +but the patches were of different colors, and suggestive of the +rag-bag; the boots were past hope of convalescence; his +shirt-collar was sunk under a greasy billow of a neckcloth, and +only one slender string was visible to show where it had gone +down; the nether garment was a ragged wreck, that set a hundred +tattered sails to every breeze, but was anchored fast at the +shoulder with a single disreputable suspender. + +Guided by this equivocal individual the two visitors entered a +small shabbily furnished room, and bestowed themselves in a +couple of treacherous chairs, in pursuance of an imbecile +invitation from the battered old gentleman. + +The anticipations of the enthusiastic lover again began to fall, +and in five minutes his heart, which so lately was "burning with +high hope," was so cold as to be uncomfortable. + +On a seven-by-nine cooking-stove, which three pints of coal would +have driven blazing crazy, stood a diminutive iron kettle, in +which something was noisily stewing; the something may have been +a decoction of magic herbs, or it may have been Madame Widger's +dinner. A tumble-down trunk in a corner of the room did +precarious duty for a chair; a faded carpet hid the floor; a +cheap rocking-chair in the act of moulting its upholstery spread +its luxurious arms invitingly near the dim window; and a table, +on which a pack of German playing cards was coyly half concealed +by a newspaper, a coal-hod, and a poker, completed the necessary +furnishing of the apartment. + +The ornaments are soon inventoried; a certificate of membership +of the New York State Agricultural Society, given at Albany to +Mr. M. G. Bivins, hung in a cheap frame over the table. The other +decorations were a few prints of high-colored saints, an +engraving of a purple Virgin Mary with a pea-green child, and a +picture of a blue Joseph being sold by yellow brethren to a crowd +of scarlet merchants who were paying for him with money that +looked like peppermint lozenges. + +Madame Widger, the "Mysterious Spanish Lady," was not at first +visible to the naked eye, but a loud, shrill, vicious voice, +which made itself heard through the partition dividing the +reception-room from some apartment as yet unexplored by them, +directed the attention of her visitors to her exact locality. + +She was "engaged" with another gentleman, said the knight of the +ragged inexpressibles. + +Had not what he had already seen of the mansion decidedly cooled +the passion of the love-lorn customer, this intelligence would +have been likely to rouse his ire against the interloping swain, +and make him pant for vengeance and fistic damages to the other +party; but in his present confused state of mind he received this +blow with philosophic indifference. + +The old man subsided into a chair, and in a weak sort of way +began to talk, evidently with some insane idea of pleasingly +filling up the time until the prophetess should be disengaged. +His conversation seemed to run to disasters, with a particular +partiality to shipwrecks. He accordingly detailed, with wonderful +exactness, the perils encountered by a certain canal-boat of +his, "loaded principally with butter and cheese," during a +dangerous voyage from Albany to New York, and which was finally +brought safely to a secure harbor by the power of the Widger, +which circumstance had made him her slave for life. + +The shrill voice then ceased, and the person to whom it had been +addressed came forth. The lime on his blue jean garments, and the +cloudy appearance of his boots, declared him to be something in +the mason line. He deported himself with becoming reverence, and +departed in apparent awe. He did not look like a dangerous rival, +and he was not molested. + +A discreditable and disordered head now thrust itself out of the +mysterious closet, opened its mouth, and the vicious voice said: +"I will see you now, sir." The sighing swain, with a fluttering +heart and unsteady steps, summoned his courage and entered the +place, to him as mysterious as was Bluebeard's golden-keyed +closet to his ninth wife. The first glance at Madame Widger at +once scattered again all his dreams of love and of happiness +with that potent and fearful female. + +He encountered a cadaverous bony-looking woman, very tall, very +old, though with hair still black; with grey eyes, and false +gleaming teeth. She was attired in calico; quality, ten cents a +yard; appearance, dirty. Hardly was the door closed, when the +vicious voice spitefully remarked, "Sit down, sir;" and a skinny +finger pointed to a cane-bottomed chair. While seating himself +and taking off his gloves, he took an observation. + +The apartment was not large; in an unfurnished state, a +moderately-hooped belle might have stood in it without serious +damage to her outskirts, but there would be little extra room for +any enterprising adventurer to circumnavigate her. In one corner +was a small pine light-stand, on which was a sceptical looking +Bible, with a very black brass key tied in it; a volume of Cowper +bound in full calf; a little lamp with a single lighted wick, and +a pile of the Madame's business hand-bills. + +She at once showed her experience of human nature and her distrust +of her present visitor by her practical and matter-of-fact conduct. + +She sat uncomfortably down on the very edge of an angular chair, +folded her hands, shut herself half up like a jack-knife, and the +vicious voice mentioned this fearful fact: "My terms are a dollar +for gentlemen;" and the grey eyes stonily stared until the dollar +aforesaid was produced. + +The voice then prepared for business by sundry "Ahems!" and when +fairly in working order it proceeded: "Give me your hand--your +_left_ hand." + +The Widger took the extended palm in her shrivelled fingers and +made four rapid dabs in the middle of it with the forefinger of +her other hand, as if she were scornfully pointing out defects in +its workmanship; then she opened the drawer of the little stand +with a spiteful jerk, and withdrew thence something which she put +to her sinister optic, and began rapidly screwing it round with +both hands, as if she had got water on the brain and was trying +to tap herself in the eye. + +Then the vicious voice began, in a loud mechanical manner, to +speak with the greatest volubility, running the sentences +together, and not thinking of a comma or a period till her breath +was exhausted, in a manner that would have fairly distanced Susan +Nipper herself, even if that rapid young lady had twenty seconds +the start. + +"I see by looking in this stone that you was born under two +planets one is the planet Mars you will die under the planet +Jupiter but it won't be this year or next you have seen a great +deal of trouble and misfortune in your past life but better days +are surely in store for you you have passed through many things +which if written in a book would make a most interesting volume I +see by looking more closely in the stone that you are about to +receive two letters one a business letter the other a let--" + +Here her breath failed, and as soon as it came back the voice +continued-- + +"ter from a friend it is written very closely and is crossed I +see by looking more closely in the stone that one of the letters +will contain news which will distress you exceedingly for a +little while but you need not be troubled for it will all be for +your good you are soon to have an interview with a man of light +hair and blue eyes who will profess great interest in you but he +will get the advantage of you if he can you must beware of him I +see by looking more closely in the stone that you will live to be +68 years old but you will die before you are 70." Here was +another station where the locomotive voice stopped to take in +air, and then instantly dashed ahead at a greater speed than +ever. "I see by looking more closely in the stone that good luck +will befall you a near friend will die and leave you a fortune I +see by looking more closely in the stone that this will happen to +you when you are between 32 and 34 years old that is all I see in +this stone." + +Another grab brought from the little drawer another pebble, +which the Madame placed at her eye, the boring operation was +recommenced, and the vicious voice once more got up steam. + +"I see by looking closely in this stone that you will have two +wives one will be blue-eyed and the other will be black-eyed with +the first one you will not live long but with the last one you +will be happy many years I see by looking more closely in the +stone that you will have six children which will be very +comfortable the lady who is to be your first wife is at this +moment thinking of you I see by looking more closely in the stone +that a man with light hair and blue eyes is trying to get her +away from you but she scorns him and turns away I see by looking +more closely in the stone that she has a strong feeling for you +you need not fear the man with light hair and blue eyes for you +will get her you and you only will possess her heart I see by +looking more closely in the stone that she is good gentle kind +loving affectionate true-hearted and pleasant." + +(The vicious voice resented each one of these good-natured +adjectives, as if it had been a gross personal insult to the +Widger, and spit them spitefully at her trembling customer, as if +they tasted badly in her mouth.) + +"and will make you a good wife; you will be rich and happy you +will be successful in business you will be hereafter always lucky +you will be distinguished you will be eminent you will be good +you will be respected you will be beloved honored cherished and +will reach a good old age I see by looking in this stone--that is +all I see by looking in this stone." + +Here she ceased, and choking down her indignation, which had +risen to a fearful pitch during the complimentary peroration, she +said, taking up the equivocal Bible with the key tied in it, +"Take hold of the key with your finger, I will give you one wish, +if the book turns round you will have your wish." The guest took +the key in the required manner, and the Widger closed her eyes +and muttered something which may have been either a prayer or a +recipe for pickling red cabbage, for he was unable to satisfy +himself with any degree of certainty what it was; at the +appointed time the book turned and the wish was therefore +graciously granted. + +Her hearer smiled his grimmest smile, and ventured to inquire if +his unknown rival was making any progress in securing the +affections of the lady in dispute, and received the satisfying +answer, "She scorns him and turns away." Reassured by this, the +susceptible individual mentally and fiercely defied the blue-eyed +intruder to do his worst, and with a reverential obeisance left +the presence. As he departed, the skinny hand presented him with +a handbill, but the vicious voice was silent. + +Carefully conning the handbill as they slowly departed from the +august realm of the Madame, the seekers of magic for the lowest +cash price read the following particulars: + + "Madame Widger was born with this wonderful gift of + revealing the destinies of man, and she has revealed + mysteries that no mortal knew. She states that she + advertises nothing but what she can do with entire + satisfaction to all who wish to consult her. + + "Also, she will scan aright, + Dreams and visions of the night." + +The tender inquirer went away in a desponding mood. The Widger +was out of the question as a bride, "for she was old enough," he +said, "to have been grandmother to his father's uncle." + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +Discourses of Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First Street, +Williamsburgh, and tells all that Nursing Sorceress communicated +to her Cash Customer. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +MRS. PUGH, No. 102 SOUTH FIRST STREET, WILLIAMSBURGH. + + +It is travelling a little away from home to go to Williamsburgh +in search of a witch, but there are some peculiar circumstances +about the present case, that give it more than common interest. +Mrs. Pugh is not an _advertising_ sorceress, but practises all +her magic slily, and generally under a promise of secresy, which +is exacted lest the fame of her fortune-telling should come to +the ears of certain respectable families, who employ her as a +nurse. She is much resorted to by a number of young persons of +both sexes, and has considerable notoriety among the low and +ignorant classes as a practiser of the black art. She is by no +means the only "nurse" who is given to this reprehensible +practice, but very many of the old women who officiate as +professional nurses are proficients in telling fortunes with +cards, and with the Bible and key, and are always glad of an +opportunity to exhibit their pretended skill. Being at times +received into families where there are daughters, not grown up, +they become most dangerous persons if they are encouraged or +permitted to thus practise on the credulity of these young girls. + +The mere encouragement of hurtful superstitious notions is a +great ill in itself, but is by no means the extent of the evil +done by some of these persons. They not unfrequently take an +active part in bringing about meetings between unsuspecting girls +and evil-disposed men, thus paving the way to the wretchedness +and ruin of the former. More than one instance is known, where +the going astray of a loved daughter can be traced directly to +the mischievous teachings of a fortune-telling nurse. + +These are the reasons that give the case of Mrs. Pugh an +importance greater than attaches to many others. + +It is right that people should know that a certain degree of +circumspection ought to be used, with regard to moral character, +as well as other qualifications, in the selection of a nurse, +lest a person be employed who will work irreparable mischief +among the younger members of the family. + + + The Individual calls on a Nursing Sorceress. + +Who shall say that broomstick locomotion is a lost art, and that +steam has superseded magic in the matter of travelling? Because +no one of us has ever encountered a witch on her basswood steed, +shall we presume to assert that witches no longer bestride +basswood steeds and make their nocturnal excursions to blasted +heaths, there to meet the devil in the social midnight orgie, and +kick up their withered heels in the gay diabolical dance with +other ancient females of like kidney with themselves? Because no +one of us has ever beheld with his own personal optics, an old +woman change herself into a black cat, shall we therefore assert +that the ancient dames of our own day are unable to accomplish +that feline transformation? "Not by no manner of means whatsomdever," +as Mr. Weller would remark. + +Let us not then be found without charity for the peculiar and +persistent faith of the hero of this book, who, though thrice +bitterly disappointed in his matrimonial speculations among the +witches, still clung to the fond belief that a bride with +supernatural powers of doing things would be a splendid +speculation, and that such a spouse could be found if he, her +ardent lover, did not give up the chase too soon. Spite of his +disappointment with Madame Bruce, and his crushing discomfiture +with Madame Widger, Hope still sprang eternal in the "Individual's" +breast, and he felt, like the immortal Mr. Brown of classic +verse, that it would "never do to give it up so." + +He had something of a natural turn for mechanics, and having been +of late engaged in some entertaining speculations on steam +engines, he came not unnaturally to think of the wonderful +advantage the magically-endowed people of old had over the +present age in the matter of locomotion. He thought of that +wonderful carpet on which a jolly little party had but to seat +themselves and wish to be transported to any far-off spot, and +presto! change! there they were instanter. No collisions to be +feared; no running off the track at a speed of ever-so-many +unaccountable miles an hour; no cast-iron-voiced conductor at +short intervals demanding tickets; no old women with sour babies; +no obtrusive boys with double-priced books and magazines; no +other boys with peanuts, apples, and pop-corn; nothing, in fact, +save one's own social circle but a civil genie, not of Irish +extraction, to fly alongside to mix the juleps and carry the +morning paper. + +It was very natural to consider whether there wasn't a yard or +two left somewhere of that valuable carpet, and to regret that on +the whole probably the original owners had occasion to use the +entire piece. + +Then the thought was very naturally suggested of the marvellous +wooden horse with the pegs in his neck, who soared with his +riders a great deal higher than does Mr. Wise in his clumsy +balloon, and always came down a great deal easier than ever Mr. +Wise did yet. Of course the Cash Customer was from the start +perfectly convinced that _that_ breed of horses is long since +extinct, so long ago that no record of them is now to be found in +either the "American Racing Calendar," or the "English Stud +Book." + +Then very naturally came thoughts of the broomstick changes of +the more modern witches. Perhaps, he thought, these are the colts +of the wooden horse, degenerate, it is true, and lacking in the +grace and symmetry of their extraordinary sire, but still perhaps +not inferior in speed or in safety of carriage. + +The thought was a brilliant one, and it was really worth while to +inquire into the matter and pursue this phantom steed until he +was fairly hunted down and bridled ready for use. + +It needed no long cogitation or extended argument to convince +Johannes, the "Individual," the Cash Customer, of the immense +practical value of such a steed, to say nothing of his costing +nothing to keep, and of its therefore being utterly impossible +for him to "eat his own head off," and of his never growing old, +and of his never having any of the multitudinous diseases that +afflict ordinary horses without any intermixture of magic blood, +and therefore of it being out of the question for anybody to +cheat his owner in a horse-trade. + +Why, only think of his value for livery purposes in case his +happy proprietor was disposed to let other folks use him for a +proper compensation. He could of course be trained to carry +double, and no doubt Mr. Rarey, or some other person potent in +horse education, could easily break him to go in harness. + +It wasn't likely, Johannes cogitated, that the judges would allow +him to enter his ligneous racer at the Fashion Course, so that +he'd not get a chance to win any money from Lancet and Flora +Temple, still there was a hope, even on that point. + +So, in search of the witch wife, whose dower should be the +broomstick horse, that should set the fond couple up in business, +started the sanguine lover. + +Having had some experience of New York fortune-tellers and others +in the magic line, and not thinking they were of the sort likely +to have so great a treasure, he started for the suburbs, and +crossed the ferry to Williamsburgh, in order to pay a visit of +inquiry, and if possible to take the initiatory step in courting +Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First Street, in that city. + +He designed, of course, to buy a "fortune" at a liberal price, +for the purpose of setting the lady in good-humor as a necessary +preliminary step. He really had hopes that she would prove to be +of a slightly different style from some of the New York +fortune-tellers, who seem to have mistaken their profession and +to be hardly up to reading the stars with success, although they +might be fully equal to all the financial exigencies of an apple +and peanut stand, or might win an honorable distinction crying +"radishes and lettuce" in the early morning hours; or upon trial, +might, perhaps, evince a decided genius for the rag-picking +business, or preside over the fortunes of a soap-fat cart with +distinguished ability. + +Threading the winding ways of Williamsburgh is by no means an +easy task for one unaccustomed, and it was only by incessantly +stopping the passers-by and making the most minute inquiries that +this lady was ever achieved at all. + +This constant questioning of the public revealed, however, the +fact that Mrs. Pugh does not by any means depend upon her +fortune-telling for her bread-and-butter; she is a nurse, as many +a Williamsburgh baby could testify if it could command its +emotions long enough to speak. What will be the influence of her +supernaturalism and witchcraft upon the children intrusted to her +fostering care--whether they will in after life prove to be +devils, demi-gods, heroes, or mere ordinary "humans," time alone +can show. This illustrious lady does not advertise in the +newspapers; in fact, her fortune-telling is done on the sly, as +if she were yet an apprentice, and a little ashamed of her +bungling jobs, for which, by the way, she only charges half +price. She is in a very undecided state, and evidently undetermined +whether her proper vocation is tending babies or revealing the +decrees of the fates at twenty-five cents a head, and when her +visitors made their appearance she was puzzled to know whether +their business was baby or black art. + +Her exertions in either profession have not as yet gained her a +very large fortune, judging from the surroundings of her eligible +residence. + +The domicile of this chrysalis enchantress is a low frame house +of two stories, standing back from the street, directly in the +rear of another row of more pretentious mansions, as if it had +been sent into the back yard in disgrace and never permitted to +show itself in good society again. It seems conscious of its +humiliation, and wears an air of architectural dejection that is +quite touching. A troop of dirty-faced children was in the yard, +and in the corner was a pile of other household incumbrances, +consisting principally of mops and washtubs. + +Johannes critically examined this interesting collection, but the +wished-for broomstick was not there. A modest rap brought to the +door a large ill-favored man with a red nose and a ponderous pair +of boots, whose speciality seemed to be drinking whatever +spirituous liquors were consumed about the establishment. + +Having passed this shirt-sleeved sentinel without damage, though +not without fear, the Cash Customer sat down to take an +observation. + +The wooden courser was not to be seen at first glance. The room +was a small irregularly-shaped one, with an intrusive chimney +jutting out into the floor from one side, as if it were a sturdy +brick-and-mortar poor relation of the premises come a visiting +and not to be got rid of at any price. A small cooking-stove was +in the fireplace, with an attendant on either side in the shape +of a battered coal-scuttle, and a small saucepan full of +charcoal; the floor was covered with a dirty rag carpet that had +long since outlived its beauty and its usefulness, and was now in +the last extremity of a tattered old age; half-a-dozen chairs of +different patterns, all much shattered in health and enfeebled by +long years of labor, and a decrepit lounge in the last stages of +a decline, were the seats reserved for visitors; the other +furniture of the room was an antique chest of drawers of a most +curious and complicated pattern--it seemed as if the mechanic had +been uncertain whether he was to construct a bureau or a +cow-shed, and had accordingly satisfied his conscience by making +half-a-dozen drawers and building a sloping roof over them; the +joints were warped apart, and through the chinks could be seen +fragments of clean shirt, and ends of lace, and bits of flannel, +suggesting babies. At a wink from the female, the male with the +ponderous boots retired from the presence. + +Mrs. Pugh is a woman of medium height and size, with a clear +grey eye, and light hair, and wearing that sycophantic smile +peculiar to people who have much to do with ugly babies whose +beauty must be constantly praised to the doting parents. She was +attired in a neat calico dress, constructed for family use, and +for the particular accommodation of the younger members of the +household. + +Johannes, who had been taking a sly look, had made up his mind +that she would not be quite so objectionable for a wife as he had +feared, and he had fully resolved to woo and wed her off-hand, +provided she had the broomstick of his hopes. + +So, by way of a beginning, he announced that he would like her to +exercise her magic powers in his behalf. + +Mrs. Pugh had evidently previously regarded him as an +enthusiastic young father with a pair of troublesome twins, who +had come to seek her ministrations, and she undoubtedly had high +wages, innumerable presents, and exorbitant perquisites in her +mind's eye at that instant. + +When, however, she learned that her visitor merely wished to know +what the fates had resolved to do about his particular case, she +was slightly disappointed, for the babies are more profitable +than the planets. However, she soon reconciled herself to her +fate, and produced from some cranny immediately under the eaves +of the cow-shed bureau, a pack of cards wrapped up in an old +newspaper. She then carefully locked the door to keep out the +children, and drew down the curtains lest their inquiring minds +should lead them to observe her mysterious operations through the +window. Then taking the wonder-working pieces of pasteboard in +her hands, and seating herself opposite her visitor, she +announced her gracious will, thus: "You shall have six wishes." + +Then, without asking him what he wished for, or whether he wished +for anything, she shuffled the cards a few seconds, and read off +their mysterious significance as follows, her curious and anxious +customer looking furtively around, meanwhile, to spy out the +hiding-place of the wooden courser: + +"'Pears to me you will have good luck in futur, though it seems +to me that you have had a great deal of bad luck and misfortune +in your life; but you will certainly do better in your futur days +than you have done yet in your life, at least, so it seems to me. +'Pears to me your good luck will commence right away, pretty +soon, immediate, in a very few days; you will have some great +good luck befal you within a 9. I designate time by days, and +weeks, and months, and sometimes years, so this good luck of +which I told you, you will certainly have within 9 days, or 9 +weeks, or 9 months, or possibly 9 years--9 days I think; yes, I am +sure; within 9 days, at least so it 'pears to me. You are going +to make a change in your business, so it seems to me--you are +going to leave your present business, and make a change; you will +make this change within a 7, which may be 7 days or weeks; weeks +I think, yes certainly within 7 weeks, at least so it 'pears to +me--this change in your business which will take place in 7 days, +or weeks, I think, yes weeks I'm sure, will be a change for the +better, and you will profit by it much, at least so it seems to +me--and it will come to pass within a 7; as I said before, within +a 7, months or days it may be, but weeks I think; yes, now I look +again, within a 7, weeks I'm certain, at least, so it 'pears to +me--you will receive a letter within a 3; years, perhaps, months, +it may be, but still it looks like days; yes, days I'm sure, days +it must be; within a 3, and days they are; you will receive a +letter within 3 days, I'm positively sure, or so it 'pears to me. +You have friends across water, from whom you will hear speedily +and soon, within a 5, which may be months, although I think not, +for it looks like years; did I say years? no, days; yes, days it +is again; within a 5, and days they are; this letter you will +have within 5 days; it will contain excellent news, which will +please you much; money, the news will be, and you will get the +letter within a 5, which may be months or years, but days it +looks like, and first-rate news it is, of money; I am positively +certain that it is within a 5, at least it seems so to me. You +face up good luck and prosperity, and you will be very rich +before you die, though I do not see how you are to get your +money, whether by business or legacy; but you will be very rich, +or so it seems to me. You will receive some money within a 4; it +will be in three parcels, and there will be considerable of it. +You will get it in three parcels within a 4, not hours, nor +years, nor yet months, but weeks; money in three parcels within a +4, and weeks they are, I'm certain. The money will be in three +parcels--three parcels; in three parcels you will get money within +a 4, which, now I look again, it may be years, but still I think +not. No, it is weeks; I'm certain, at least, so it 'pears to me. +There is a lady that has a good heart for you. She is a +light-complexioned lady, with black eyes; she has a good heart +for you, and I do not see any trouble between you, which means +that there is no opposition to your match, and that you will +certainly marry her within a 2, at least so it 'pears to me. +Within a 2 you will marry this light-complexioned lady, within a +2, which is not hours, nor yet days, I think it is months. I'll +look again; no, it is not months, but years; within a 2 and years +they are, yes, 2 years; before a 2, and years they are, this lady +will be your wife--at least, so it seems to me. 'Pears to me you +will get money with her, I do not know how much, but you will +certainly get money in three parcels, as I once remarked before, +within a 4, which I'm sure is weeks. You will be married twice; +once within a 2, once again within a 5 or 7 after your first wife +dies. I think it is a 5, though it may be a 7; and months it +looks like, though it may be weeks or days. You will live with +your first wife a 10; days it can't be, though it looks like +days--a 10, you'll live with her a 10, can it be hours, no, years +it is, it must be, because you will have five children by your +first wife, which makes it years--10 years it is, I know, at least +so it 'pears to me. You will have five children by your first +wife, but you will not raise them all. All will die but two, and +then your wife will die within a 1, which is a month, or so it +seems to me." + +The inquirer was charmed with the lively prospect of so many +funerals, and mentally resolved to buy a couple of acres in +Greenwood for the accommodation of his future family. His +meditations were interrupted by the lady, who thus continued: + +"You will marry a second wife, but you will have trouble about +her; there is a dark-complexioned man who interferes, and who +will trouble you for an 8, which may be years, although I think +not, nor hours, nor days, but months; I'm sure it is--yes, the +dark-complexioned man will trouble you for an 8, which I am sure +is months, yes, months it is, an 8 I say, and months they are, I +am certain, at least so it 'pears to me. By your second wife you +will have three children, who will all live--I see a funeral here +within a 6; it does not look like a friend or a relative, but it +is some acquaintance, or the friend of some acquaintance, or the +acquaintance of some friend--the funeral is within a 6, but it +does not come very near to you--you will go to a wedding within a +3, and you will receive a present of a ring within a 2, which +may be days--you will after this be very prosperous and happy, you +will be very long-lived--you will get a letter and a present from +the light-complexioned lady within a 9, which, as I said before, +it may be hours, which I think it is, though weeks it may be, or +months, or even years; though certainly within a 9, which, now I +look again, is days, yes, I am sure, certain, within a 9, a +letter and a present from the light-complexioned lady, a 9 it is +and days, within a 9, and days they are, at least, so it 'pears +to me." + +Here ended the communication, and, on inquiring the price, +Johannes was astonished to learn that he had received but +twenty-five cents' worth. Regretting that he had not invested a +dollar in a commodity so "cheap and very filling at the price" +for future consumption, he departed, first taking a long +lingering look to find, if possible, the lurking-place of the +magic broomstick charger. He didn't see it, and gave it up, and +came away declaring that such a woman was not qualified to take +the social position his wife must assume. He did not, however, +wish to discourage her; he thought that the water-melon trade +might be comprehended by a lady of her abilities, or that she +could perhaps thoroughly master the pop-corn and molasses candy +business, and make it lucrative. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +In which are narrated the Wonderful Workings of Madame Morrow, +the "Astonisher," of No. 76. Broome Street; and how, by a +Crinolinic Stratagem, the "Individual" got a Sight of his "Future +Husband." + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +MADAME MORROW, THE ASTONISHER, No. 76 BROOME STREET. + + +Madame Morrow is the only one of the fortune-telling fraternity +in New York who refuses to dispense her astrological favors to +both sexes. She positively declines receiving any visits from +"gentlemen," and confines her business attention exclusively to +"ladies," of whom many are her regular customers. One reason for +this course of conduct is, that she imagines her own sex to be +the more credulous, and more readily disposed to put faith in her +claims to supernatural knowledge, and she naturally prefers to +deal with believers rather than with sceptics. Her "lady" +customers are more tractable and easily managed than men, and are +not so apt to ask puzzling and impertinent questions; and as the +Madame can manage more of them in a day, of course the pecuniary +return is larger than if she exercised her art in behalf of +curious masculinity as well. + +Of her history before she engaged in her present business, not +much is known to those who have met her only of late years, for +with regard to her early life she chooses to exercise a politic +reticence. The whole "style" of the woman, however, her dress, +manner, and conversation, are strong indications that her younger +and more attractive days were not passed in a nunnery, but more +probably in establishments where "Free Love" is more than a +theory. The character of the greater part of her "lady" visitors +is of a grade that goes to corroborate this supposition, and +leads to the belief that among women of doubtful virtue "old +acquaintance" is not easily "forgot." By far the greater number +of Madame Morrow's customers are girls of the town, and women of +even more disreputable character. + +The fact that a visit to this renowned sorceress must be paid in +a feminine disguise, made the attempt to secure an interview of +more than ordinary interest. How this difficulty was mastered, +and how an entrance was finally effected into the citadel from +which all mankind is rigorously excluded, is best told in the +words of the "Individual" who accomplished that curious feat. + + + How the Cash Customer visited the "Astonisher"--How he + was Astonished--and How he saw his Future Husband. + +The Cash Customer in pursuit of a wife had been rebuffed, but was +not disheartened. He had, so to speak, fought a number of very +severe hymeneal rounds and got the worst of them all; but he had +taken his punishment like a man, and had still wind and pluck to +come up bravely to the matrimonial scratch when "time" was +called, and as yet showed no signs of giving in. His backers, if +he'd had any, would have still been tolerably sure of their +money, and not painfully anxious to hedge. The bets would have +been about even that he'd win the fight yet, and come out of the +battle a triumphant husband, instead of being knocked out of the +field a disconsolate and discomfited bachelor. + +But, although his ardor had not cooled, and though his strength +and determination still held out, he had grown slightly cautious, +and had conceived a plan for going like a spy into the camp of +the enemy, and there thoroughly reconnoitring the positions that +he had to storm, and at the same time making himself master of +the wiles and stratagems that were the peculiar weapons of the +female foe, and so learn some infallible way to capture a +first-quality wife. At any rate, he would give himself the +benefit of the doubt and make the experiment. He would a-wooing +go, not apparelled in conquering broadcloth, in subjugating +marseilles, or overpowering doeskin, but carrying the unaccustomed, +but not less potent weapons of laces, moire-antique, crinoline, +and gaiters. + +In fact, there was also a stern necessity in the case, for the +lady on whom he had now set his young affections was particular +as to her customers, and did not admit the shirt-collar gender to +the honor of her confidence. + +But was this to stop him? If the lady shut out the whole +masculine world from the inevitable fascinations of her +superabundant charms, was it not for sweet charity's sake, that a +whole community might not go into ecstatic frenzies over her +peerless beauty, and all men, being stricken in love of the same +woman, go to cutting each other's throats with bowie-knives and +other modern improvements! + +It was easy to see that _Madame Morrow_ did not want to become +another Helen, to be abducted to some modern Troy, and have a ten +years' row, and any quantity of habeas corpuses, and innumerable +contempts of interminable courts, after the modern fashion of +conducting a strife about a runaway maiden. + +Such a considerate beauty, veiling her undoubted fascinations +from the rude gaze of man, from purely prudential reasons, must +be a prize of rare value, and well worth the winning. + +Her qualifications in magic, too, seemed to be of the very first +order, to judge from her notification to the wonder-seeking +world. + + "ASTONISHING TO ALL.--Madame MORROW claims to be the + most wonderful astrologist in the world, or that has + ever been known, as I am the seventh daughter of the + seventh daughter, who was also a great astrologist. I + have a natural gift to tell past, present, and future + events of life. I have astonished thousands during my + travels in Europe. I will tell how many times you are + to be married, how soon, and will show you the likeness + of your future husband, and will cause you to be + speedily married, and you will enjoy the greatest + happiness of matrimonial bliss and good luck through + your whole life. I will also show the likeness of + absent friends and relations, and I will tell so true + all the concerns of life that you cannot help being + astonished. No charge, if not satisfied. Gentlemen not + admitted. No. 76 Broome street, near Columbia." + +There was but one thing in this that troubled the "Individual" +with any particularly sharp pangs. He intended to marry the +Astonisher, but he was a little bothered what to do with the +seven daughters, for of course the Madame would not fail to +follow the excellent example of her revered mother, and would +never stop short of the mystic number. + +He finally concluded that all his duties as a father would be +faithfully performed if he taught them to read, write, and play +on the piano, and then gave them each a sewing-machine to begin +the world with. He did think of bringing them up for the ballet, +but their success in that profession being somewhat dependent on +the size and symmetry of their dancing implements, he felt it +would be improper to positively determine on that line of +business before he had been favored with a sight of the young +ladies. Reserving, therefore, his decision on this knotty point +until time should further develop the subject, he prepared for +the unsexing which was indicated as an inevitable preliminary to +a visit to Madame Morrow, by the sentence "Gentlemen not +admitted." + +He proposed to get himself up in a way that would slightly +astonish the Madame herself, although she had faithfully promised +in her advertisement to astonish him. He would have been willing +to wager a small sum that with all her witchcraft she would be +unable to keep that promise, for in the regular course of his +business, he had become so accustomed to marvels, wonders, and +miracles, that the upheaval of a volcano in the Park wouldn't +discompose him unless it singed his whiskers. He had a strong +desire, however, to realize the old sensation of astonishment, +and he was of the opinion that the "likeness of his future +husband" would accomplish that feat if anything could. + +Heroic was Johannes, and withal ingenious, and this then was his +wonderful plan. + +He would visit this Madame Morrow, not by proxy, but in his own +proper person; if not as a man, then as a woman; yes, he would +petticoat himself up to the required dimensions, if it took a +week to tie on the machinery. Off with the pantaloons; on with +the skirts; down with the broadcloth; hurrah for the cotton and +hey for victory, and a look at his future husband. + +To an inventor of theatrical costumes hied he with this fell +design in his heart. + +The requisite paraphernalia were bargained for and sent home to +the ambitious voyager, who, at the sight thereof, was "astonished" +in advance, and stricken aghast by the complicated mysteries of +laces, ribbons, strings, bones, buttons, pins, capes, collars, +and other inexplicable articles that met his gaze. + +The question instantly occurred, "Could he get into these +things?" + +Not a bit of it; he would sooner undertake to report in +short-hand the speech of a thunder-cloud, and with much better +prospects of success. He felt his own insignificance, and as he +looked out at the window, he regarded a passing female with awe. +He felt that he was fast becoming imbecile, not to say idiotic, +when he bethought him of his friends. Two discreet married men, +who knew the ropes, were called to the rescue, and began the +work; they piled on layer after layer of the material, and in +the course of four or five hours had built him into a pyramid of +the proper size, when they gave him their solemn assurance that +he was "all right." He has since discovered that they had tied +his under-sleeves round his ankles, and that the things he wore +on his arms must have belonged somewhere else. There was trouble +about the hair, and it required the combined ingenuity and wisdom +of the masculine trio to keep the bonnet on, and this difficulty +was only overcome at last by tying strings from the inside of the +crown of that invention to the ears of the sufferer. + +Then, and not till then, had anybody thought of the whiskers. +They must be sacrificed; and though the miserable victim to his +own ambition consented to the disfigurement, how was it to be +accomplished? The luckless Johannes could no more sit down in a +barber's chair than the City Hall could get into an omnibus. At +last he knelt down, which was the nearest approach he could make +to a sitting position, and Jenkins, mounted on the bed, shaved +him as well as he could at arm's length. + +When the operation was concluded, his head looked as if it had +been parboiled and the skin taken off. He didn't dare to curse +Jenkins for his clumsiness, knowing that if he relieved his mind +in that desirable manner, Jenkins would refuse to help him +undress when he wanted to get out of the innumerable manacles +that now confined every joint. He was as helpless as a turtle +that the unkind hand of ruthless man has rolled over on his back. + +However, the disguise was complete; he looked in the glass and +thought he was his own landlady; his best friends wouldn't have +known him, and the teller of the bank would have pronounced him a +forgery and refused to certify him; he felt like a full-rigged +clipper ship, and got under sail as soon as possible and bore +down upon Madame Morrow's residence. He nearly capsized as he +stepped into the street, but he righted after a heavy lurch to +the north-east, and kept his course without further serious +disaster. He made a speedy run to Broome street, the voyage being +accomplished in less than the expected time, although a heavy +sea, in the shape of a boy with a wheelbarrow, struck him +amidships, on the corner of Sheriff street, doing some damage to +his lower works and carrying away a yard or so of lace from his +main skirt. He finally came up to the house in splendid style, +and cast anchor on the opposite sidewalk to take an observation. + +The anchorage was good, and he rode securely for a short time +until he could repair damages, he having carried away some of his +upper rigging; in other words, he had caught his veil on a +meat-hook and had been unable to rescue it. He rigged a sort of +jury-veil with the end of his shawl, so that he could hide his +blushing countenance in case of too close scrutiny. + +Madame Morrow lives, as he now discovered, in a low, three-story +brick house, which cannot be called dirty, simply because that +mild word expresses an approximation towards cleanliness which no +house in this locality has known for years. City readers can get +an idea of its condition by understanding that it is in the worst +part of "The Hook;" to readers in the country, who have luckily +never seen anything filthier than a barn yard, no information can +be given which would meet the case. Sunshine is the only +protection for a well-dressed man against the population of this +part of the town. In the twilight or darkness he would be robbed, +if not garroted and murdered. The boldest and most desperate +burglars, and others of that stamp, have their homes about +here--fathers who teach their children the thief's profession, and +mothers who carry pickpockets at the breast. In the midst of this +nest of crime the fortune-teller has her home, and here she +thrives. + +The daring man, protected by his false colors, there being no +officious authority in that neighborhood to exercise the right of +search, came alongside the house and prepared, metaphorically, to +board; that is, he rang the bell. + +He was admitted by an Irish girl, whose incrusted face showed +that the same deposit of dirt had probably held possession +undisturbed for weeks. They had just entered the hall door when +two small children, who were contending for their vested rights +with a big yellow dog that had interfered with their dinner, +commenced an unearthly squalling, which, for the instant, made +the millinery delegate fairly believe that Tophet was out for +noon. The Hibernian maiden, with great presence of mind, +immediately attempted to quiet the storm by administering to each +inverted brat a sound correction, in the manner usually adopted +by mothers. + +Particulars are omitted. + +Then she resumed her attentions to the stranger, and convoyed him +into port in the parlor. Securely harbored in this safe retreat, +Johannes took another observation. + +The room was small, and what few things were in it looked shabby +and dirty of course. The principal article of furniture was a +huge basketful of soiled linen, which had probably been "taken +in" to wash, and from a respectable family, for every single +article looked ashamed to be caught in such company, and tried to +burrow down out of sight. Disconsolate shirts elbowed humiliated +socks, which in turn kicked against mortified flannels, or hid +themselves beneath disconcerted sheets; abashed shirt-collars and +humbled dickies tried to shrink out of sight in very shame +beneath a dishonored tablecloth, the wine-stains on which showed +it to belong in better society. A dejected and cast-down woman +was assorting the despairing contents of the basket with a look +of desolation. + +The girl, who had disappeared, now returned, and with an air of +mystery slipped into the hand of her visitor a red card, on which +was inscribed: + + +-------------------------------------------------+ + |No Person allowed to remain in the Establishment | + |without a ticket. Please present this on entering| + |Madame Morrow's room. Fee in full, $1. | + +-------------------------------------------------+ + +For an hour and a half after the receipt of this card and the +payment of $1 therefor, did Johannes quietly wait in the room +with the big basket, being entertained meanwhile by the two women +who conversed with each other upon the relative merits of engines +No. 18 and 27, and with a long discussion as to the comparative +personal beauty of "Tom" and "Dick," who, it seemed, belonged +respectively to those two mechanical constituents of our Fire +Department. + +At the end of that time the Irish girl, who had succeeded in +establishing "Dick's" claim to her satisfaction, arose and +invited the stranger to the room of Madame Morrow. + +He passed up a narrow flight of stairs, the condition of which, +as to dirt, was concealed by no friendly carpet; then he sailed +into a front parlor which was furnished elegantly, and perhaps +gorgeously, with carpets, mirrors, sofas, and all the usual +requirements of a lady's apartment. + +Madame herself appeared at the door. She is a tall, +sallow-looking woman, with a complexion the color of old +parchment: with light brown eyes and light hair; being attired in +a handsome delaine dress of half-mourning, and decorated with a +costly cameo pin and ear-drops, she looked not unlike a servant +out for a holiday, making a sensation in her mistress's finery. + +She led her lovely visitor into a little closet-like room, in +which were a bureau, two chairs, a table, and a small stand, +covered with a number of her business hand-bills and a pack of +cards. She asked first: "What month was you born?" On receiving +the answer, the Astonisher took a book from the bureau and read +as follows: "A person born in this month is of an amiable and +frank disposition, benevolent, and an amiable and desirable +partner in the marriage relation. Your lucky days are Tuesdays +and Thursdays, on which days you may enter on any undertaking, or +attempt any enterprise with a good prospect of success." Then she +took up the cards again, and after the usual shuffling and +cutting, the Astonisher fired away as follows. + +"You face luck, you face prosperity, you face true love and +disinterested affection, you face a speedy marriage, you face a +letter which will come in three days and will contain pleasant +news--you face a ring, you face a present of jewelry done up in a +small package; the latter will come within two hours, two days, +two weeks, or two months--you face an agreeable surprise, you face +the death of a friend, you face the seven of clubs which is the +luckiest card in the pack--you face two gentlemen with a view to +matrimony, one of whom has brown hair and brown eyes, and the +other has lighter hair and blue eyes--they are both thinking of +you at the present time, but the nearest one you face is the one +with light eyes--your marriage runs within six or nine months." + +There was very much more to the same effect, but as Johannes was +pining all this time for a look at his future husband, he did not +pay the strictest attention to it. Finally, when she had finished +talking, she said, "Step this way and see your future husband." + +This was the eventful moment. + +The disguised one went to the table and there beheld a pine box, +about the size of an ordinary candle-box, though shallower; it +was unpainted, and decidedly unornamental as an article of +furniture. In one end of it was an aperture about the size of the +eye-hole of a telescope; this was carefully covered with a small +black curtain. This mystic contrivance was placed upon a table so +low that the husband-seeker was compelled to go on his knees to +get his eye down low enough to see through. He accomplished this +feat without grumbling, although his knees were scarified by the +whalebones which surrounded him. The Astonisher then drew aside +the little curtain with a grand flourish, and her customer beheld +an indistinct figure of a bloated face with a mustache, with +black eyes and black hair; it was a hang-dog, thief-like face, +and one that he would not have passed in the street without +involuntarily putting his hands on his pockets to assure himself +that all was right. But he felt that he had no hope of a future +husband if he did not accept this one, and he made up his mind to +be reconciled to the match. + +This contrivance for showing the "future husband" is sometimes +called the Magic Mirror, and may be procured at any optician's +for a dollar and a quarter. The "future husband" may of course be +varied to suit circumstances, by merely shifting the pictures at +one end of the instrument; or a horse or a dog might be +substituted with equal propriety and probability. + +Disappointed, and sick at heart and stomach, the Cash Customer +bore away for home, and accomplished the return voyage without +disaster. He didn't so much mind the unexpected difference in the +personal attractions of Madame Morrow from what he had hoped, for +he had been rather accustomed to disappointments of that sort of +late, but he couldn't see that his admission to the camp of the +enemy had enabled him to spy out anything of particular +advantage to him in future operations. So he cogitated and +mournfully whistled slow tunes, as he cut himself out of his +unaccustomed harness by the help of a pen-knife with a file-blade. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +Contains a full account of the interview of the Cash Customer +with Doctor Wilson, the Astrologer, of No. 172 Delancey Street. +The Fates decree that he shall "pizon his first Wife." HOORAY!! + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +DR. WILSON, No. 172 DELANCEY STREET. + + +This ignorant, half-imbecile old man is the only _wizard_ in New +York whose fame has become public. There are several other men +who sometimes, as a matter of favor to a curious friend, exercise +their astrological skill, but they do not profess witchcraft as a +means of living; they do not advertise their gifts, but only +dabble in necromancy in an amateur way, more as a means of +amusement than for any other purpose. On the other hand Dr. +Wilson freely uses the newspapers to announce to the public his +star-reading ability, and his willingness, for a consideration, +to tell all events, past and future, of a paying customer's life. +He professes to do all his fortune-telling in a "strictly +scientific" manner, and it is but justice to him to say, that he +alone, of all the witches of New York, drew a horoscope, +consulted books of magic, made intricate mathematical calculations, +and made a show of being scientific. In his case only was any +attempt made to convince the seeker after hidden wisdom, that +modern fortune-telling is aught else than very lame and shabby +guesswork. The old Doctor has by no means so many customers as +many of his female rivals; he is old and unprepossessing--were he +young and handsome the case might be otherwise. + +He has been a pretended "botanic physician," or what country +people term a "root doctor;" but failing to earn a living by the +practice of medicine, he took up "Demonology and Witchcraft" to +aid him to eke out a scanty subsistence. He does but little in +either branch of his business, the public appearing to have +slight faith in his ability either to cure their maladies or +foretell their future. + +The character of his surroundings is noted in the following +description, and his oracular communication is given, word for +word. + + + An Hour with a Wizard.--The Cash Customer is to "Pizon" + his First Wife, and then get Another. Hooray! + +"I am like a vagabond pig with no family ties, who has no lady +pig to welcome him home o'nights, and with no tender sucklings to +call him 'papa,' in that prattling porcine language that must +fall so sweetly on the ears of all parents of innocent porklings. +Like Othello, I have no wife, and really I can see little hope in +the future." + +Thus moralized the "Individual," the morning after his experiment +with the women's gear, and his failure to learn, at a single +lesson, the whole art of catching a wife. Then he bethought him +that perhaps the art could not be learned without a master; and +then came the other thought that no one could tell so well how to +win a witch-wife as one who had himself been successful in that +risky experiment. + +To find a man with a fortune-telling wife is no easy matter, for +most of the marriages contracted by these ladies are by no means +of a permanent character, and the male parties to the temporary +partnerships are always kept in the background. But if he could +discover up a wizard, a masculine master of the Black Art, there +were strong probabilities that such an individual could put him +in the way of winning a miracle-working spouse, at the very least +possible trouble and expense. He would seek that man as a +preliminary to winning that woman. The daily newspapers showed +him that in the person of a learned doctor, surnamed Wilson, he +would probably find the man he wanted. He searched out that +wonderful man, and the results of his visit are given in this +identical chapter. + +Old dreamy Sol Gills, of coffee-colored memory, has been +admiringly recommended to the good opinion of the world by his +friend, Capt. Ed'ard Cuttle, mariner of England, as a man "chock +full of science." From the same eminent authority we also learn +that Jack Bunsby was an individual of learning so vast, and +experience so varied and comprehensive, that he never opened his +oracular mouth but out fell "solid chunks of wisdom." That the +person now dwells in our city who combines the scientific +attainments of Gills with the intuitive wisdom of Bunsby, we have +the solemn word of Johannes. The science is a trifle more dreamy +and misty even than of old, and the wisdom is solider and +chunkier, but both are as undeniable, as convincing, as +"stunning," as in the best days of the Little Wooden Midshipman. +The fortunate possessor of this inestimable wealth of knowledge +secludes himself from the curious public in the basement of the +house No. 172 Delancey street, like an underground hermit. +However, this unselfish and generous sage, not wishing to hide +entirely the light of his great learning from a benighted world, +kindly condescends, in the advertisement herewith given, to +retail his wisdom to anxious inquirers at a dollar a chunk: + + "ASTROLOGY.--Dr. Wilson, 172 Delancey street, gives the + most scientific and reliable information to be found on + all concerns of life, past, present, and future. + Terms--ladies, 50 cents; gentlemen, $1. Birth required." + +The last sentence is slightly obscure, and it was not quite clear +to Johannes that he would not have to be "born again" on the +premises. But at all events there was something refreshing in the +novelty of consulting a "learned pundit" in pantaloons, after all +the tough conjurers of the other sex that he had undergone of +late. + +So he repaired to Delancey street in a joyous mood, nothing +daunted by the requirements of the advertisement. + +Delancey street is not Paradise, quite the contrary. In fact it +may be set down as unsavory, not to say dirty in the extreme. The +man that can walk through the east end of this delicious +thoroughfare without a constant sensation of sea-sickness, has a +stomach that would be true to him in a dissecting-room. The +individual that can explore with his unwilling boots its slimy +depths without a feeling of the most intense disgust for +everything in the city and of the city, ought to live in Delancey +street and buy his provisions at the corner grocery. He never +ought to see the country, or even to smell the breath of a +country cow. He should be exiled to the city; be banished to +perpetual bricks and mortar; be condemned to a never-ending +series of omnibus rides, and to innumerable varieties of short +change. + +The delegate picked his way gingerly enough, thinking all the +while that if Leander had been compelled to wade through Delancey +street, instead of taking a clean swim across the sea, Hero might +have died a respectable old maid for all Leander. And yet +Johannes says he doesn't believe that History will give _him_ any +credit for his valorous navigation of the said street. + +He at last reached the designated spot, sound as to body, though +wofully soiled as to garments, and approached the semi-subterranean +abode of the great prophet, and immediately after his modest rap +at the basement door, was met by the venerable sage in person. +He walked in, and then proceeded to take an observation of the +cabalistic instruments and mysterious surroundings of the great +philosopher. + +The room was a small, low apartment, about ten feet by twelve, +the floor uncarpeted and uneven; the walls were damp, and the +whole place was like a vault. The furniture was very scanty, and +all had an unwholesome moisture about it, and a curious odor, as +if it gathered unhealthy dews by being kept underground. Three +feeble chairs were all the seats, and a table which leaned +against the wall was too ill and rickety to do its intended duty; +many of the books which had once probably covered it, were now +thrown in a promiscuous heap on the floor, where they slowly +mildewed and gave out a graveyard smell. A miniature stove in the +middle of the room, sweated and sweltered, and in its struggles +to warm the unhealthy atmosphere had succeeded in suffusing +itself with a clammy perspiration; it was in the last stages of +debility; old age and abuse had used it sadly, and it now stood +helplessly upon its crippled legs, and supported its nerveless +elbow upon a sturdy whitewash brush. There were a few symptoms of +medical pretensions in the shape of some vials, and bottles of +drugs, and colored liquids on the mantelpiece; a great attempt at +a display of scientific apparatus began and ended with an +insulating stool, and an old-fashioned "cylinder and cushion" +electrical machine; a number of highly-colored prints of animals +pasted on the wall, having evidently been scissored from the +show-bill of a menagerie, had a look towards natural history, and +a jar or two of acids suggested chemical researches. The books +that still remained on the enervated table were an odd volume of +Braithwaite's Retrospect, a treatise on Human Physiology, and +another on Materia Medica; a number of bound volumes of Zadkiel's +Astronomical Ephemeris, Raphael's Prophetic Almanac, Raphael's +Prophetic Messenger, and a file of Robert White's Celestial +Atlas, running back to 1808. + +The appearance of the venerable sage of Delancey street was not +so imposing as to strike a stranger with awe--quite the contrary. +He partook of the character of the room, and was a fitting +occupant of such a place; he seemed some kind of unwholesome +vegetable that had found that noisome atmosphere congenial, and +had sprung indigenously from the slimy soil. One looked +instinctively at his feet to see what kind of roots he had, and +then glanced back at his head as if it were a huge bud, and about +to blossom into some unhealthy flower. The traces of its earthy +origin were plainly visible about this mouldy old plant; +quantities of the rank soil still adhered to the face, filled up +the wrinkles of the cheeks, found ample lodging in the ears and +on the neck, and crowding under the horny and distorted nails, +made them still more ugly; and streaks and ridges of dirt clung +to every portion of the garments, which answered to the bark or +rind of this perspiring herb. + +To drop this botanic figure of speech, Dr. Wilson is a man of +about fifty-eight years of age, rather stout and thick-set, with +grey eyes, and hair which was once brown, but is now grey, and +with thin brown whiskers; the top of his head is nearly bald, +except a few thin, furzy, short hairs, which made his skull look +as if it had been kept in that damp room until mould had gathered +on it. He was in his shirt sleeves, and was attired, for the most +part, in a pair of sheep's grey pantaloons, which were made to +cover that fraction of his body between his ankles and his +armpits; the little patch of shirt that was visible above the +waistband of that garment, was streaked with irregular lines of +dirty black, as if it had gone into half mourning for the +scarcity of water. + +The man of science made a musty remark or two about the weather +and the walking, and then, after carefully seating himself at the +decrepit table, he said: "I suppose your business is of a +fortun'-tellin' natur; if so, my terms is one dollar." The +affirmative answer to the question and the payment of the dollar +put new energy into the mouldy old man, and he prepared to +astonish the beholder. + +He demanded the age of his visitor, and then desired to be +informed of the date of his birth, with particular reference to +the exact time of day; Johannes drummed up his youthful +recollections of that interesting event, and gave the day, the +hour, and the minute, with his accustomed accuracy. The sage made +an exact minute of these wet-nurse items on a cheap slate with a +stub of a pencil; then taking another cheap slate, he proceeded +to draw a horoscope thereon, pausing a little over the signs of +the zodiac, as if he was a little out in his astronomy, and +wasn't exactly certain whether there should be twelve or twenty. +He settled this little matter by filling one half the slate as +full as it would hold, and then carrying some to the other side, +so as to have a few on hand in case of any emergency. + +When the figure was drawn, and all the mysterious signs +completed, the shirt-sleeve prophet became absorbed in an +intricate calculation of such mysterious import that all his +customer's mathematical proficiency was unable to make out what +it was all about. First he set down a long row of figures, which +he added together with much difficulty, and then seemed to +instantly conceive the most unrelenting hostility to the sum +total. The mathematical tortures to which he put that unhappy +amount; the arithmetical abuse which he heaped upon it, and the +algebraic contumely with which he overwhelmed it, almost defy +description. He first belabored it with the four simple rules; he +stretched it with Addition; he cut it in two with Subtraction; he +made it top-heavy with Multiplication, and tore it to pieces with +Division--then he extracted its square root; then extracted the +cube root of that, which left nothing of the unfortunate sum +total but a small fraction, which he then divided by _ab_, and +made "equal to" an infinitesimal part of some unknown _x_. Having +thus wreaked his vengeance on the unhappy number, he laid away +the surviving fraction in a cold corner of the slate, where he +left it, first, however, giving a parting token of his bitter +malignity by writing the minus sign before it, which made it +perpetually worse than nothing, and reduced it to a state of +irredeemable algebraic bankruptcy. This praiseworthy object being +finally achieved, he proceeded to translate into intelligible +English the result of his calculations, which he announced in the +terms following: + +"The testimonial is not the most sanguine. If the time of birth +is given correct there is reason to apprehend that something of +an affective nature occurred at about eight years and ten +months--at 16 10 I think I may say, if the time of birth is +given correct, there is from the figures reason to expect that +there is a probability of a similar sitiwation of events. At 24 +there was a favorable sitiwation of events, if there was not +somebody or somethin' afflictive on the contrary, the which I am +disposed to think might be possible. At 25, if the time of birth +is given correct, there is reason to expect great likelihoods of +some success in life; I may, it is true, be mistaken in my +calculations, but as the significators are angular, I think there +is indications that such will be the sitiwation of events. At 30, +if the time of birth is given correct, I think you are an +individdyal as may look for some species of misfortin--there will +be some rather singular circumstances occur, which might denote +loss of friends, or the fallin' to you of a fortin, or great +travellin' by water or land, or losin' money at cards, or +breakin' your leg, or makin' a great discovery, or inventin' +somethin', or gettin' put into prison on suspicion of sorcery and +witchcraft. You will see that there are indications to denote +that you will certainly be accused of sorcery and witchcraft by +some individdyals who are not your friends--the indications denote +great likelihoods that this will make you uneasy in your mind, +but I think there is nothin' of a very serious natur' to be +feared at that time of life, if the time of birth is given +correct. When any misfortin' is comin' upon you there is no doubt +(though I am not goin' to state positively that such will be the +case, still there is strong likelihoods that the indications give +such a probability) that it will give you warnin' of its +approach. At 36, if the time of birth is given correct, there is +indications of a likelihood that you will fall upon some other +misfortin'; I am not prepared to state positively that such will +be the case, but I think you will have a misfortin', though I +don't think it would be of a very afflictive natur'. There is at +that time a circumstance of an unfriendly natur', though it may +not happen to yourself; it might denote that your brother will +get sick. There is another evil condition about this time which I +will examine still furder. I see that there is indications of a +likelihood that there is a probability of your having somethin' +amiss by a partner, if somethin' of a favorable natur' does not +interpose, which is not unlikely, though I may be mistaken and +will not say positively. You will be lucky, however, after that, +and many of your evils will gradually begin to recline, as it +were. There is reason to believe that the significators denote +that in the course of your futur' life you will sometimes be +thrown in with men who you will think is your friends, but who +will prove to be your enemy. This I will not say positively, for +I may be mistaken, which I think I am not, but if the time of +birth is correct, you are an individdyal as gives likelihoods +that such might be the case." + +For more than an hour had the Inquirer been edified and +instructed by these "solid chunks of wisdom," which, it will be +remembered, were not delivered off-hand, but were carefully +ciphered out by elaborate calculations on the slate aforesaid. +Lucid and elegant as was the language, and interesting as was the +matter of these oracular communications, he felt it to be his +duty to interrupt them for a time and change the subject to a +theme in which he felt a nearer interest; accordingly he asked +the musty Seer about his prospects of future wedded bliss. This +was a subject of so great importance that all the other +calculations had to be erased from the slate--this little +operation was accomplished in the manner of the schoolboys who +haint got any sponge, and the dirty hand plied briskly for a +minute between the juicy mouth and the dingy slate, and became a +shade grimier by this cleanly process. Then a new horoscope was +drawn with more signs of the zodiac than ever, and in due time +the result was thus announced: + +"I shall now endeavor to give you a description of the sort of +person you might be most likeliest to marry. There is indications +that your wife might be respectable. The significators do not +denote that there is a likelihood that you might marry a very old +woman. She would be as likely to have fair hair and blue eyes as +anything else; nor would she be likely to be very much too tall, +and I don't imagine you are an individdyal that might be likely +to marry a woman who was very short. She may not be very old, but +I do not think that the indications point her out as being likely +to be a child; in fact, I think it possible that she may be of +the ordinary age, though I do not wish to be understood as being +positive on all these points, for I may be mistaken, though I +think you will find that there is a likelihood that these things +may be so. You will be married twice, and I think you are an +individdyal that would be likely to have children--six children I +think there is indications that you may be likely to have. The +significators point out one very evil condition, and I think I +may say that I'm quite sure. I'm positive that you will separate +from your first wife. No, I will not say that yours is a +quarrelsome natur', but the significators look bad. Things is +worse, in fact, than I told you of, and now I look again and am +sure you are prepared, I will say that there cannot be a doubt +that _you will pizon your first wife_. It cannot be any other +way; there is no mistake; it is so; it must be true; the fact is +this, and thus I tell you, _you will pizon your first wife_. And, +my young friend, I will advise you, in case your married futur' +is unhappy, and you do find it necessary to give pizon to your +consort, do not tell anybody of your intentions; do not let it be +known; and you must do it in such a way as not to be suspected, +or people will think hard of you, and there may be trouble." + +This was a touch of wisdom for which Johannes was not prepared; +so he snatched his hat and hastily left the sepulchral premises, +conscious of his inability to receive another such a "chunk" +without being completely floored. + +He now expresses the opinion that Dr. Wilson wanted to get the +job of "pizoning" that first wife, and that he would have done it +with pleasure at less than the market price. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +Gives a history of how Mrs. Hayes, the Clairvoyant, of No. 176 +Grand Street, does the Conjuring Trick. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MRS. HAYES, A CLAIRVOYANT, No. 176 GRAND STREET. + + +There are a dozen or more of these "Clairvoyants" in the city who +profess to cure diseases, and to work other wonders by the aid of +their so-called wonderful power. As their mode of proceeding is +very much the same in all cases, a description of one or two will +give an idea of the whole. Their principal business is to +prescribe for bodily ills, and did they confine themselves to +this alone, they would not be legitimate subjects of mention in +this book. But in addition to their medical practice they also +tell about "absent friends;" tell whether projected business +undertakings will fall out well or ill; whether contemplated +marriages will be prosperous or otherwise: whether a person will +be "lucky" in life, whether his children will be happy, and, in +short, they do pretty much the regular fortune-telling routine, +whenever the questions of the customer lead that way. + +The theory as given by them, of a Clairvoyant diagnosis of a +malady, is this: that the Clairvoyant, when thrown by mesmeric +influence into the "trance" state, is enabled to _see into the +body of the patient_ and discern what organs, if any, are +deranged, and in what manner; or to ascertain precisely the +nature of the morbific condition of the body, and having thus +discovered what part of the vital mechanism is out of order, they +are able, they argue, to prescribe the best means for restoring +the apparatus to a normal state. + +There are many thousands of persons who believe this stuff, and +endanger their lives and health by trusting to these empirics. +Several of the most popular of them have as many patients as they +can attend to, and are rapidly amassing fortunes. Most of them +have a superficial knowledge of Medicine, and are thus enabled to +do, with a certain amount of impunity, many dark deeds. It is +reported of more than one of these women that she has done as +many deeds of child-murder as did even the notorious Madame +Restell. + +In this regard, they are among the most dangerous and criminal of +all the Witches. + +The "Individual" visited Mrs. Hayes, who is one of the most +ignorant of the whole lot, and Mrs. Seymour, who is one of the +most intelligent of all. He sets down the particulars of his +visit to the former, in the words following: + + + How the "Individual" sees a Clairvoyant--How he pays a + Dollar, and what he gets for his money. + +Not all the sorcery of all the sorcerers; not all the necromancy +of all the necromancers; not all the conjurations of all +masculine conjurers; not all the magic of all male magicians; not +all the charming of all the charmers, charm they never so wisely, +could have induced Johannes to ever more place the slightest +trust in a wizard, or repose in any wonderworker of the bearded +sex the merest trifle of faith, even the most infinitesimal +trituration of the homoeopathicest grain. The single dose he had +received from the renowned Doctor Wilson was quite enough, and +had satisfied all his longings for wisdom of that sort. + +Besides, his coming events cast such peculiar and very unpleasant +shadows before, that he preferred to keep out of the grim +presence of such shady men, and for all after time to bask him +only in the sunshine of smiling women. + +"_Pizon his first wife_," would he? Well, he could have taken +that "pizon" with tolerable composure from the lips of lovely +woman, but to receive it from the mumbling mouth of a skinny old +man, was too much to accept without divers rebellious grins. + +A peach-cheeked witch, a cherry-lipped conjuress; a Circe, with +only enough charms to make a respectable photograph, might with +impunity have called him a counterfeiter, or a horse-thief, or +even a thimble-rigger; or might have told him that he would, upon +opportunity, garotte his grandmother for the small price of +seventy cents and her snuff-box; or that he was in the habit of +attending funerals to pick the pockets of the mourners, and of +going to church that he might steal the pennies from the +poor-box, all this would he have borne uncomplainingly from a +woman; but these unpalatable statements from one of the masculine +gender would be "most tolerable and not to be endured." + +He felt that if he had not rushed incontinently from the presence +of that underground star-gazer Dr. Wilson, he must either have +punched that respected person's venerated head, or have laughed +in his honored face. In either case he would, of course, have +roused the extensive ire of that potent worthy, and have been at +once exposed to a fire of supernatural influences that would have +been probably unpleasant, to say the least. + +The unmusical Johannes looks upon accordeons as cruel instruments +of refined torture, and detests them as the vilest of all created +or invented things, and he had been very careful to offend none +of the magic community, lest he should, by some high-pressure +power of their enchanted spells, be transformed into an +accordeon, and be condemned to eternally have shrieking music +pulled out of his bowels by unrelenting boys. + +Having this terrible possible doom continually before his mind's +optics, he felt that it would be only the part of prudence to +avoid the company of those black art professors in whose presence +he could not keep all his feelings well in hand. So, no more +wizards would he visit, but the witches should henceforth have +his entire attention. + +It is a fortunate circumstance that there are no other men than +the aforesaid Doctor Wilson, in the witch business in New York, +so that there would be no temptation to break this resolve, and +he probably would not be troubled to keep it. + +There is one breed of the modern witch that pretends to a sort of +superiority in blood and manners, and those who practise this +peculiar branch of the business put on certain aristocratic airs +and utterly refuse to consort with those of another stamp. They +disdain the title of "Astrologers," or "Astrologists," as most of +them phrase it, and in their advertisements utterly repudiate the +idea that they are "Fortune Tellers." + +These are the "Clairvoyants," who do business by means of certain +select mummeries of their own, and who make a great deal of money +in their trade. There are a great number of these in the city, so +many indeed that the business is over-done, and the price of +retail clairvoyance has come materially down. The same dose of +this article that formerly cost five dollars, may now be had for +fifty cents, and the quality is not deteriorated, but is quite as +good now as it ever was. + +To one of these supernatural women did the hero resolve to pay +his next visit, and he selected the abode of Mrs. Hayes, of 176 +Grand Street, for his initiatory consultation. + +With the mysterious psychological phenomena denominated by those +who profess to know them best, "clairvoyant manifestations," +Johannes had nothing to do, and was content, as every one of the +uninitiated must perforce be, to accept the say-so of the +spiritualistic journals that there are such phenomena and that +they are unexplained and mysterious. No outside unbelievers in +Spiritualism and the kindred arts may ever know anything of +clairvoyant developments and demonstrations, save such one-sided +varnished statements as the journals that deal in that sort of +commodities choose to lay before the world. Every man must be +spiritually wound up to concert pitch before he is in a condition +to receive the highest revelations of the clairvoyant speculators. +So that, whether the clairvoyance that is sold for money be a +spurious or a superfine article few can tell. Certain it is that +it is the same sort of stuff that has ever been retailed to the +public under the name of clairvoyance, ever since the discovery +of that remunerative humbug. It is more than likely that the +twaddle of Mrs. Hayes, Mrs. Seymour, and the rest of the +fortune-telling crew, would be repudiated by Andrew Jackson Davis +and the rest of the spiritualistic firstchoppers, but it is none +the less true that these gifted women sell their pretended +knowledge of spirits and spiritual persons and things, with as +much pretentiousness to unerring truth, as that veritable seer +himself, and at a much lower price. + +The clairvoyant department of modern witchcraft is necessarily +carried on by a partnership, and one which is not identical with +the legendary league with the devil. Two visible persons +constitute the firm, for it takes a double team to do the work, +and if the amiable gentleman just referred to makes a third in +the concern, he is a silent partner who merely furnishes capital, +while his name is not known in the business. The whole theory of +clairvoyance as applied to fortune-telling and other branches of +cheap necromancy, seems to be somewhat like this. + +A strong-minded person, generally a man with a _physique_ like a +Centre-Market butcher boy, obtains by some means possession of an +extra soul or two, or spirit, or whatever else that intangible +thing may be called. These spirits are always second-rate +articles, not good enough to be put into vigorous and strong +bodies, and which have been therefore hastily cased up in an +inferior kind of human frame as a sort of make-shift for men and +women. + +Your professional clairvoyant is always, both as to soul and +body, a botched-up job that nature ought to be ashamed of, and +probably is, if she'd own up. + +The senior partner of the clairvoyant fortune-telling firm, the +strong-minded one, according to their professions, has the +arbitrary control of the cast-off souls that animate these refuse +bodies. By what spiritual hocus-pocus this is managed is not +known to those outside the trade. He uses their half-baked +spirits at his will, and makes his living by farming them out to +do dirty jobs for the paying public. He disconnects them from +their mortal vehicles, and sends them on errands in the +spirit-land in behalf of his customers, looking up their "absent +friends," both in and out of the body--telling of their health and +prosperity if they are still alive, and picking up little bits of +scandal about their angels if they are dead. The senior partner +also sends his abject two-and-sixpenny souls to explore the +bodies of his sick customers and examine their internal +machinery, point out any little defects or disarrangements, and +suggest the proper remedies therefor, and in short, to do +whatever other dirty work the customer may choose to pay for. + +The senior partner of course pockets all the money, merely +keeping the mortal tenement in which the working partner dwells +in a good state of repair, in consideration of services rendered. + +Such a partnership is the one of Mr. and Mrs. Hayes, whose place +of business is advertised every day in the morning papers in the +words following: + + "CLAIRVOYANCE.--Astonishing cures and great discoveries + daily made by MRS. HAYES, that superior and wonderful + clairvoyant. All diseases discovered and cured (if + curable). Unerring advice given respecting persons in + business, absent friends, &c. Satisfactory examinations + given in all cases, or no charge made. Residence, 176 + Grand St. N. Y." + +Johannes, whose general health was excellent, and whose internal +apparatus was all right so far as heard from, had therefore no +occasion to be astonishingly cured, or to have any great +discoveries made in him by Mrs. Hayes; still he was desirous of a +little "unerring advice about absent friends," etc., from "that +superior and wonderful clairvoyant." + +Besides, it was barely possible that in the person of the +superior and wonderful Mrs. Hayes, he might find the bride for +whom he pined. With hope slightly renewed within his speculative +breast, he set off joyfully for the designated domicile, which he +achieved in the due course of travel. + +The house No. 176 Grand Street is a brick two-story dwelling, of +a dingy drab color, as though it had been steeped in a Quaker +atmosphere and had there imbibed its color, which had since been +overlaid with "world's people's" dirt. + +The door was opened by Mrs. Hayes in person, her body on this +occasion being sent with her spirit to do a bit of drudgery. + +She is a woman of the most abject and cringing manner +imaginable; a female counterpart of Uriah Heep, with an unknown +multiplication of that vermicular gentleman's writhings; she wore +no hoops, she would have squirmed herself out of them in an +instant; her dress was fastened securely on with numerous visible +hooks and eyes, and pins, and strings, in spite of which +precautions her visitor expected to see her worm out of it before +she got up stairs, and would scarcely have been astonished to see +her jerk her skeleton out of her skin, and complete her errand in +her bones. + +With a propitiating bow, whose intense servility would have +become Mr. Sampson Brass in the day of his discomfiture, she +asked her customer into the house, cringingly preceded him up +stairs, deferentially placed a chair, and abjectly departed into +an inner room, pausing at the door to execute an obsequious +wriggle, and to once more humble herself in the dust (of which +there was plenty) before her astonished visitor. + +The reception-room to which she led him, is an apartment of +moderate size, from the front windows of which the beholder may +regale his eyes with a comprehensive view of Centre Market and +its charming surroundings; Mott and Mulberry Streets lie just +beyond, and the Tombs are visible in the dim distance. The room +was furnished with a superfluity of gaudy furniture; and sofas, +tables, chairs and pictures, crowded and elbowed each other, +showing plainly that the upholstery of a couple, at least, of +parlors had been there compressed into a bedroom. + +From the inner room came a great sound, made up of so many +household ingredients as to defy accurate analysis--but the crying +of babies, the frizzling of cooking meat, the scraping of +saucepans, and a sound of somebody scolding everybody else, +predominated. + +The voyager was unprepared for any _Mister_ Hayes, having taken +it for granted that the _Mrs._ of the superior and wonderful +clairvoyant did not imply a husband, but was merely assumed +because it looks more dignified in the advertisement. But there +_was_ a _Mr._ Hayes, and presently the door opened and that +worthy appeared; he was surrounded by an atmosphere of fried +onions, and the fragrant and greasy perspiration in his face +seemed to have been distilled from that favorite vegetable. + +Mr. Hayes is a tall, fierce, sharp-spoken man, of manners so very +rough and bearish that his wife and children quailed when he +spoke as if they expected an instant blow. We don't know that it +ever will be possible for a man to garrote his guardian angel for +the sake of her golden crown, but the idea occurred to Johannes +that if that amiable feat is ever accomplished, it will be by +such another man as this. He seemed as unable to speak a kind or +gentle word as to pull his boots off over his ears. He is an +Englishman, and speaks with the most intolerable cockney accent. +Moderating his harsh tones until they were almost as pleasant as +the threatenings of an ill-natured bull-dog, and addressing his +auditor, he growled out the following specimen of delectable +English: + +"There is lots of folks goin' round town pretendin' to do +clairvoyance, and to cure sick folks, and to tell fortunes, and +business, and journeys, and stole property; but we ain't none of +them people. We only do this for the sake of doin' good, and we +don't want to do nothin' that will make any trouble. We used to +tell things about stole property, and about family troubles, and +so we sometimes used to get folks into musses, but we don't do +nothin' of that kind now. If your business is about any kind of +muss and trouble in your family we don't want nothin' to do with +it. Sometimes folks that has quarrelled their wives away come to +us and wants us to get them back again, but we don't do nothing +of that sort. We can tell 'em if their wives are well, or if +they're sick and all about what ails 'em, and so we can about any +people that is gone off anywhere, and them's what we call 'absent +friends.' So if you've got any trouble with your wife we can't do +nothin' for you." + +The love-lorn visitor had no wives, a fact known to the reader +already, and when he does accumulate a help-meet, he sincerely +trusts she may not be so unruly as to require the interference of +outsiders to preserve harmony in the family. He expressed +himself to that effect, and added that his business was to find +out about the well-being of some friends in Minnesota, and to +ascertain particulars about some other trifles necessary to his +peace of mind. + +Hereupon Mr. Hayes, with a growl like a sulky rhinoceros, opened +the door which cut off the pot-and-kettle Babel of the other +room, and commanded his wife to come, and that estimable lady, +who is evidently in a state of excellent subordination, instantly +writhed herself into the room. She sat down in an armchair, and +began to evolve a most remarkable series of inane smiles, each +one of which began somewhere down her throat, rose to her mouth +by jerks, and finally faded away at the top of her head and the +tips of her ears. It was a purely spasmodic thing of disagreeable +habit, without a particle of geniality or feeling about it. + +While this curious process was going on, the Doctor had drawn +down the window-shades, thus darkening the room, and now +approached for the purpose of unhooking from its earthly +tabernacle the soul that was to step up to Minnesota and bring +back word to his customer "how all the folks got along." This he +accomplished by a few mysterious mesmeric passes, and when the +trance was induced, and the spirit had, so to speak, tucked its +breeches into its boots ready for the muddy journey, he placed in +the hand of Johannes that of the corpus which still remained in +the armchair, and said to the disembodied spirit: + +"Now, I want you to go with this gentleman to Brooklyn and take a +fair start from there, and then go where he tells you to, and +tell him what things there is there that you see." + +Having delivered this injunction in a tone so indescribably +savage that he had better a thousand times have struck her in the +face, this amiable animal retired to the Babel, taking with him +the fried-onion atmosphere. + +Then the woman in the chair began to speak, in a style the most +disagreeable and affected that anybody ever listened to. It was +more like that sickening gibberish that nurses call "_baby-talk_," +than anything else in the world. She spoke with a detestable +whine, and pronounced each syllable of every word separately, as +if she feared a two-syllable word might choke her. Sick at the +stomach as was her visitor at the whole babyish performance, he +so far controlled his qualms as to note down the words hereunder +written. + +Whoever has heard this woman in a professional way can testify to +the verbatim truth of this sketch. + +"There is wa-ter that we must cross, we must go in a boat musn't +we? Now we're in the boat, and O I see so many put-ty things, +men, and dogs, and ships and things going up and down; such +beau-ti-ful things I have never seened before. Now we are a-cross +the riv-er, and now we must get on the car, musn't we? What car +must we get on? O I see it now, the yellow car. Now we are going +a-long and I can see--O what a pret-ty dress in that store. O what +real nice can-dy that is. I wish I had some don't you? Now we're +at the house. Is it the one on the cor-ner, or the next one to +it, or is it the brick house with the green blinds? No, the wood +one with green blinds; so it is, but I didn't be here be-fore +ev-er in my life. Now we will go in-to the house; I see a car-pet +there and some chairs and some--O what a pret-ty pic-ture, and +what a nice fire. I see a la-dy of ver-y pret-ty ap-pear-ance. +She is a young la-dy; she has got blue eyes, she is stand-ing +sideways so I can't see noth-ing of her but one side of her face. +There is al-so an el-der-ly la-dy, but I can't see much of her. +They appear to be go-ing on a jour-ney, shall I go with them? +Yes, well I will. Now we are on the wa-ter and--O what a pret-ty +boat--now we are get-ting off of the boat--I didn't nev-er be here +be-fore. Now we are on a rail-road, I nev-er seened this +rail-road be-fore but--O what a pret-ty ba-by. Now we go along, +along, along, along, and now we are at the de-pot. I didn't ev-er +be here ei-ther--there is a riv-er here, and a mill and a--O what a +pret-ty cow--somebody is go-ing to milk the cow. There is a town +here--it seems as if I did be here before--yes I am sure--O what a +pret-ty lit-tle car-riage, and what a pret-ty dog. Yes I am sure +I seened this town be-fore, but these rail-roads didn't be here +then." + +By this time the travellers were supposed to have reached St. +Paul, and the reliable clairvoyant then proceeded to describe +that interesting young city; and in the course of her speech made +more improvements there than will be accomplished in reality in +less than a year or two certainly. + +Among other things, Mrs. Hayes described as at present existing +in St. Paul, two Colleges, a City Hall built of white marble, a +locomotive factory, and a place where they were building seven +ocean steamers. + +She then, when she arrived at the house, in the course of her +mesmeric journey, where the people concerning whom Johannes had +inquired were supposed to be at that present domiciled, proceeded +to give descriptions of those whom she saw there, of the looks of +the country and of the house. + +And _such_ descriptions, as much like the truth as a ton of "T" +rail is like a boiled custard. + +By asking leading questions the seeker after clairvoyant +knowledge got some very original information. He only began this +course after he found that she, if left to herself, could +describe nothing, and could utter no speech more coherent or +sensible than that already set down as coming from her illustrious lips. + +In fact, the policy of the clairvoyant-witch in every case, is to +wait for leading questions from the anxious inquirer, so that the +answers may be framed to suit the exigencies of the case. +Johannes was not slow to perceive this, and by way of testing the +science, or rather, art of clairvoyance, he put a series of +questions which established the following interesting facts, all +of which were positively averred to be true by Mrs. Hayes, "that +superior and wonderful clairvoyant." + +Minnesota Territory is a small town situated 911 miles south-east +of the mouth of the Mississippi River--its officers are a chief +cook and 23 high privates, besides the younger brother of +Shakspeare, who is the Mayor of the Territory, and whose +principal business it is to keep the American flag at half-mast, +upside down. + +When this last important information had been elicited, Johannes, +who thought he had got the worth of his money, recalled Dr. +Hayes, who reappeared, surrounded by the same old atmosphere of +the same old onions; to him the customer resigned the hand of the +twaddling adult baby who had held his hand for an hour and a +half, paid his dollar, and then prepared to depart. + +The soul of the woman then returned from its long journey, and +was locked up in its squirmy body by the Doctor, ready to serve +future customers at one dollar a head. + +She didn't seem glad to get her soul back again, there probably +not being enough to give her any great joy, after she had got it. + +Johannes turned moodily away, feeling that the conjuress, his +future bride, the renovator of his broken fortunes, and the ready +relief to his present necessities, was as far distant as ever. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +Tells all about Mrs. Seymour, the Clairvoyant, of No. 110 Spring +Street, and what she had to say. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +MRS. SEYMOUR, CLAIRVOYANT, No. 110 SPRING STREET. + + +This woman is at the same time one of the most pretentious and +most clever of the clairvoyants, and she does a very large +business. Most of her customers come for medical advice, +although, in accordance with her printed announcement, she is +willing to talk about "absent friends," and whatever other +business the client may choose to pay for. + +One branch of the clairvoyant trade which formerly brought as +much money to their pockets as any other department of their +business, was the finding lost or stolen property, and giving +directions for the detection of the thieves. This specialty has +however been pretty much abandoned of late by nearly all of them, +in consequence of law-proceedings against certain ones of the +sisterhood, which have in three or four instances been commenced +by parties who have been wrongfully accused of theft, through the +agency of the clairvoyant impostors. Several suits have been +instituted against them for defamation of character, and they +have been made to smart so severely that they are now all very +careful about accusing persons of crimes. + +As an evidence of the implicit faith put in these people by their +dupes, it may be mentioned that many applications have been made +to Judge Welsh, of this city, and to the other judges, for +warrants of arrest against respectable persons, for theft, the +only grounds of suspicion against them being, that some +clairvoyant had said that the property had been stolen by a +person of such and such a height, with hair and eyes of this or +that color, and that the suspected person happened to answer the +description. Of course, all such applications for legal process +have been refused by the magistrates, and the applicants +dismissed with a severe rebuke. + +Mrs. Seymour was an intimate friend of Mrs. Cunningham, of the +Burdell-murder notoriety, and was a witness in that memorable +trial. + +The Cash Customer had an interview with this woman, which he thus +describes: + + + Another Clairvoyant, who is not much in particular. + +If a man be desirous of knowing what sort of a moral character he +bears in the spirit-world, and what style of society his +disembodied soul will circulate in, or if he desires to know the +particulars of the after-death behavior of any of his acquaintances, +of course he will find it to his interest to marry a "medium" of +average respectability, and in good practice, and so save the +expense of frequent consultations. The "rapping" and "table-tipping" +communications from the spirit-world are hardly satisfactory. It +is, very likely, pleasant for a man to be on speaking terms with +his bedroom furniture, to spend an agreeable hour occasionally in +conversation with his washhand-stand, to enjoy a spirited +argument with his bedstead and rocking-chair, or to receive now +and then a confidential communication from his bootjack, but on +the whole, these upholstery dialogues do not satisfy the +"yearnings of the soul after the infinite." The powers of speech +of a washhand-stand are circumscribed, bedsteads and rocking-chairs +are seldom equal to a sustained conversation, and the most +talkative bootjack has not a sufficient command of language to +make itself agreeable for any great length of time. The logic of +a poker may sometimes be convincing, but it is not generally +agreeable; and the rhetoric of uneducated coal-scuttles is hardly +elegant enough to pass the criticism of a refined taste. It is +therefore much more satisfactory as well as economical, for a +person who desires to enjoy his daily chat with the Spirits, to +get a "speaking medium" to translate the eloquence of all parties +and make the thing pleasant. Even then, confidential communications +must be very guarded, and on this account the person who invents +some means by which every man can be his own medium, will win an +equal immortality with the author of that invaluable book, "Every +Man his own Washerwoman." + +Johannes had been thinking over the spiritual subject, of course +with a view to profitable matrimony, for he thought he could +manage to turn an intimacy with the spirits to good pecuniary +account, and inveigle those incorporeal gentlemen into doing +something for those of their friends who are yet bothered with +bodies. + +He knew that there are in New York, plenty of spiritualists in +such constant communication with their acquaintances on the +"other side of Jordan," that they know the bill of fare with +which those seventh-heaveners are served every day, and whenever +their jolly ghostships sit down to a pleasant game of whist, they +send word to their earthly relatives by "medium" every fresh +deal, what the new trump is, who hold the honors, and how the +game stands generally. + +So close a familiarity with superior beings as this, could be +easily turned to practical account and made to pay handsomely, by +a Spiritualist with a utilitarian turn of mind. If he could but +get his spirits into proper subjection how useful would they not +be in the patent medicine business, in the way of inventing new +remedies; how invaluable would they be to an editor; in fact, how +particularly useful in almost any kind of business. + +But his great plan was to train a corps of light-footed and +gentle ghosts to carry news; they would of course beat locomotives, +carrier pigeons, and electric telegraphs out of sight; seas, +mountains, and such trifling obstacles would be no hindrance to +them, and the Associated Press, to say nothing of the Board of +Brokers, would pay handsomely for their services. Of course a +ghost with any pretensions to speed would bring us detailed news +from London in half-an-hour or so, without putting himself out of +breath in the least, thus beating the telegraph by a length. And +so Johannes, fully determined on this promising scheme, began to +cast about him for a medium who was acquainted in the spirit +sphere, to introduce him to some of the eligible ghosts. + +He knew that most of the clairvoyant women are "mediums," and +thought very naturally that women who already earned their living +by clairvoyance, would be the very ones to enter heart and soul +with him into his spiritualistic scheme. + +Yes, he would marry a medium, and if she was a professional +clairvoyant, so much the better, his bow would have another +string. + +In his search for a witch-wife he would not have been justified +in interfering at all with the clairvoyants had it not been for +the fact that they mix a little witchcraft with their regular +business. Their ostensible trade is to diagnose and prescribe for +different varieties of internal disease, and so this particular +branch of humbug would not have come within the scope of the +voyager's investigations, were it not that several of these +practitioners advertise to "tell the past, present, and future, +describe the future husband or wife, mark out correctly the exact +course of future life, give unerring advice about business, +absent friends, etc." + +All this had too strong a savor of witchcraft to be ignored, and +accordingly Johannes set forth on his journey to visit another of +these mysteriously clear-sighted persons, keeping in view all the +time the probabilities of her being an A 1 spiritual medium, and +the very person whose aid would be invaluable in his new +journalistic enterprise. + +Mrs. Seymour, of No. 110 Spring Street, was the person towards +whose house the Cash Customer bent his steps, after reading the +subjoined advertisement of her powers and capabilities. + + "CLAIRVOYANCE.--MRS. SEYMOUR, 110 Spring Street, a few + doors west of Broadway, the most successful medical and + business Clairvoyant in America. All diseases + discovered and cured, if curable; unerring advice on + business, absent friends, &c., and satisfaction in all + cases, or no charge made." + +The clairvoyant branch of the fortune-telling business seems to +require a certain amount of respectability in its practices, and +they sneer at the grosser deceptions of the more vulgar of the +necromantic trade. They keep aloof from the greasier sisters of +the profession, and they feel it due to the dignity of their +station to reject the cards, the magic mirrors, the Bibles and +keys, the mysterious pebbles and the other tricks which do well +enough for twenty-five cent customers; to sojourn in reputable +streets, in respectable houses, and to have clean faces when +visitors come in. There are, it is true, clairvoyants in the city +who live wretchedly in miserable cellars, whose garments and very +hair are populated with various specimens of animated nature, and +whose bodies are so filthy that the beholder wonders why the +spirits, which are so often disconnected from them and sent on +far-off missions, do not avail themselves of the leave of absence +to desert for ever such unsavory corporeal habitations. But the +majority of these persons prefer parlors to basements, and make +up the difference in expenses by double-charging their customers. +Many of them, as before stated, combine a little spiritualism of +the other sort with the clairvoyance, and they can all go into a +trance on short notice and rhapsodize with all the fervor if not +the eloquence of Mrs. Cora Hatch; they can all do the table-tipping +trick, and are up to more rappings than the Rochester Fox girls +ever thought of. For these several reasons therefore Mrs. Seymour +would be a wife worth having, or at least so thought Johannes as +he pondered these truths, and arranged in his mind his plan of +attack on the affections of that susceptible lady. + +The house No. 110 Spring Street, occupied by Mrs. Seymour for +business purposes, is not more seedy in appearance than the +majority of half-way decent tenant houses, which all have a +decrepit look after they are four or five years old, as though +youthful dissipations had made them weak in the joints. From +appearances, Mrs. Seymour's house had been more than commonly +rakish in its juvenility, but it still had that look of better +days departed, which, in the human kind, is peculiar to decayed +ministers of the gospel. It is a house where a man on a small +salary would apply for cheap board. Hither the inquirer repaired, +and shamefacedly knocked at the door, and was admitted by a +frowzy, coarse, plump, semi-respectable girl, who would have been +the better for a washing. She opened the door and the customer +entered the reception-room, and had ample time before the +appearance of the mistress to take an observation. + +The parlor was neatly, though rather scantily furnished, with a +rigid economy in the article of chairs. The apartment communicated +by folding-doors with another room, whence could be heard an iron +noise as of some one scraping a saucepan with a kitchen-spoon. +The frowzy girl disappeared into this retired spot, and in about +the space of time that would be occupied by an enterprising woman +in rolling down her sleeves, taking off her apron, and washing +her hands, the door opened, and Mrs. Seymour presented herself. + +She was a frigid-looking woman, of about 35 years of age, with +dark hair and eyes, projecting lips and heavy chin, and was of +medium height and size. Her appearance was perhaps lady-like, her +movements slow and well considered. She was perfectly self-possessed +and calculating, and appeared to cherish no dissatisfaction with +herself. Her demeanor, on the whole, was repelling and chilly, +and impressed her visitor very much as if some one had slipped a +lump of ice down his back and made him sit on it till it melted. + +She regarded him with a look of professional suspicion, cast her +eye round the room with a quick glance, which instantly +inventoried everything therein contained, as though to assure +herself of the safety of any small articles which might be +scattered about, and then seated herself with an air of +preparedness, as if she was perfectly on guard and not to be +taken by surprise by anything that might occur. She volunteered a +frozen remark or two about the state of the weather, and then +subsided into silence, evidently waiting to hear the object of +the visit. + +Her appearance and demeanor had instantly frozen out of the +voyager's mind all thoughts of marriage; he would as soon have +wedded an iceberg, or have taken to his heart of hearts a +thermometer with its mercury frozen solid. All he could do was to +buy a dollar's worth of her clairvoyance and then get out. + +As soon therefore as the first chill had passed off, and he had +thawed out a few words for immediate use he asked for a little of +that commodity. + +When as he announced that he desired to know about the present +well or ill of some absent friends, and that clairvoyance was the +branch of her business which would on this occasion be called +into requisition, she rose from her seat, walked to the door, +never taking her eyes from the hands and pockets of her customer, +and called to some one to come in. In obedience to the summons, +the frowzy girl entered; this latter individual, since her first +appearance, had taken off her apron and pinned some kind of a +collar around her neck, but had not yet found time to comb her +hair, which was exceedingly demonstrative, and forced itself upon +attention. + +Mrs. Seymour seated herself in a rocking-chair and closed her +eyes; the plump girl stood behind her and pressed her thumbs +firmly upon the temples of Mrs. S. for about two minutes, during +which time this latter lady lost every instant something of life +and animation, until at last she froze up entirely. Then the +frowzy girl made one or two mysterious mesmeric passes over the +sleeping beauty from her head to her feet, to fix her in the +iceberg state; then placing the hand of Mrs. S. in the palm of +the customer, she left the room. + +The worst of it was that Mrs. Seymour's hand is not an agreeable +one to hold; it is cold and flabby, and not suggestive of +vitality. Her face, too, had become pallid and corpse-like, and +her thin blue lips were not pleasant to regard. Johannes was +puzzled; he didn't know what to do with the flabby hand, and how +he was to get any information about absent friends from a +fast-asleep woman he did not, as yet, exactly comprehend. At this +juncture, the lips asked, "Where am I to go to?" The sitter +suppressed a sulphurous reply, and substituted, "To Minnesota." +Thereupon, without any more definite direction as to what part of +that rather extensive territory she was expected to visit, she +sent her spirit off, and immediately uttered these words: + +"I see two old people, two _very_ old people--one is a man and +one is a woman; one of them has been very sick of bilious fever, +but is now better, and will soon be quite well again. I can't +tell exactly how these people look except that they are very old +and both are very grey. They may be husband and wife. I think +they are. They are both sitting down now. I also see two young +people--one of them is a male and the other a female. The male I +do not perceive very plainly, and I cannot make out much about +him; he seems to be standing up and looking very sad, but I can't +tell you a great deal about him. The female I can see much +better, and can make out more about. She is tall, and has dark +hair. She appears to be connected in some way to the old people, +but I do not think she is related to the young man, though I +cannot exactly make out. She is a very agreeable-looking female, +rather pretty, I should say, if not positively handsome. She has +straight hair and does not wear curls. She is standing up now, +and appears to be talking to the young man, who has his back +partly turned toward her. I don't quite make out what they are +saying. She has had a very severe attack of sickness, but has +nearly or quite recovered. She is not, however, what I should +call a healthy female, and she will soon have another fit of +sickness, which will be worse than the first, and will bring her +very low indeed--very near to death. But she will not die then, +though she is not what I should call a long-lived person. She +will certainly die in six or eight years. What disease she will +die of I can't just make out, but it will not be of a lingering +character: it will carry her off suddenly. These people are all +very anxious about you, as if you was one of their family. They +have not heard from you lately, and are looking daily for +intelligence from you. They have written to you twice within +three months. One of the letters got to this city--a man took it +out of the mail. I don't know where he took it out, and I can't +exactly describe the man, but a man took it out of the mail. +These people are not satisfied to live where they are now; they +are discontented with the country, and will return here in the +Spring. They are talking about it now. They would like to come +back this Winter, but circumstances are so that they cannot. You +may be sure, however, that you will see them here in the Spring. +There is no doubt of it; they will come here in the Spring. The +other letter that I told you of that they had written has got +here safe, and is now in the Post-Office. You will find it there +if you inquire; you will be sure to get it as soon as you go down +to the office." + +This was delivered in a very jerky manner, with occasional +twitchings of the face and violent claspings of the hand, which +her visitor retained, although it gave him a cold sweat to do it. +Johannes, who has friends in Minnesota, and whose questions were +therefore all in good faith, tried to get the sleeping female to +descend a little more to particulars, to describe individuals or +localities minutely enough to be recognised if the descriptions +approached the truth; but Mrs. Seymour was not to be caught in +this manner. She invariably dodged the question, and dealt only +in the most vague and uncertain generalities--giving no +description of persons or things that might not have applied with +equal accuracy to a hundred other persons or things in that or +any other locality. Her assertions concerning the persons +supposed to be her customer's friends did not approach the truth +in any one particular; nor was there the slightest shadow of even +probability in any single statement she uttered. She is not, +however, a woman to lack customers, so long as there remain in +the world fools of either sex. + +When the inquirer had concluded his questioning, he was somewhat +at a loss how to awake the woman from her trance, but she solved +that little difficulty herself by opening her eyes (as if she had +been wide awake all the time) and calling for the beauteous +maiden of the snarly hair, who accordingly appeared and made a +few mysterious mesmeric passes lengthwise of her sleeping +mistress, and awoke her to the necessity of dunning her visitor, +which she did instantly and with a relish. He paid the demanded +dollar and departed. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +Describes Madame Carzo, the Brazilian Astrologist, of No. 151 +Bowery, and gives all the romantic adventures of the "Individual" +with that gay South American Naiad. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +MADAME CARZO, THE BRAZILIAN ASTROLOGIST, No. 151 BOWERY. + + +The illustrious lady who is the subject of the present chapter, +came to the city of New York in 1856, and at once took lodgings +and began business in the fortune-telling way. She did well, +pecuniarily speaking, for a time, but the details of a visit to +her having been published at length in one of the daily journals, +she at once retired from the business, and subsided into private +life. She is not now extant as a witch, and it is not impossible +that she is earning an honester living in other ways. + +The newspaper article that convinced her of the error of her +ways, and induced her to give up fortune-telling, is the +subjoined chapter by the "Individual:" + + +He meets a Yankee-Brazilian. She is not ill-looking, etc. + +Whether the budding beauties of maidenhood are inconsistent with +the orgies of witchcraft; whether there be an irreconcilable +antagonism between youth and loveliness, and the unknown +mysteries of the black art, is a vexed question of some interest. +Can't a woman be supposed to indulge in a little devilment before +her hair turns grey, and her teeth fall out? and is it impossible +for her to have reliable and trustworthy dealings with Old +Scratch until she is wrinkled and withered? + +That's what I want to know. + +And I am very naturally urged to the inquiry by the observation +that every professional witch in New York calls herself a +"Madame." There is not a "Miss" or a "Mademoiselle," in the whole +batch. They all make a pretence of being widows, or wives at the +very least, as if a certain amount of matrimonial tribulation was +indispensable to their accomplishment in the arts of sorcery and +magic. The only exception to this rule is found in the person of +a female calling herself "The Gipsy Girl," who is otherwheres +mentioned, and in _her_ case the several agencies of nature, rum, +and small-pox have made her so strikingly ugly that old age could +not add a single other trait of repulsiveness to her excruciating +features. + +Now this is all a sad mistake. Let some young and undeniably +pretty girl go into the business, and she'd soon get a run of +exclusive customers who would stand any price and pay without +grumbling. If the original Satan should refuse to recognise her +eligibility, and should decline to furnish her with the requisite +quantity of diabolic knowledge to set her up in business, she +could easily find an opposition devil who would provide her stock +in trade, and possibly at something less than the usual rates. +I'll be bound that Lucifer doesn't monopolize the whole trade in +witchcraft, and pocket all the profits himself; for if some of +the numerous clerks in his employ haven't yet learned the trick +of stealing the stock and selling it at a reduced price, then the +young gentlemen of our earthly mercantile houses are a good deal +up-to-snuffer than the virtuous demons of Mr. Satan's establishment. +This last-named dealer generally demands the soul of the contracting +party in return for the powers and privileges conferred; and in +very many cases he must get decidedly the worst of the bargain, +for some of his precious adopted children never had soul enough +to pay for the ink to sign it away with; but there is no doubt, +in case a brisk competition should arise for customers, that some +of his cashiers and head-clerks would contrive to under-sell him +even at this price. + +The person who is so very anxious to effect this desirable +consummation, and to bring on a crop of young and pretty witches +to supersede the grizzled ones of this present generation was +Johannes, who had of late been getting rather sick of the +"Madames," and would prefer, if possible, to have the rest of his +fortunes told by ladies of tenderer age, and greater inexperience +in the ways of the world. + +However, he was not the man to be deterred, in his pursuit of +wisdom, by the age and ugliness, grey hairs, wrinkles, false +teeth, _no_ teeth, dirt, ignorance, and imbecility he had +encountered, and he was determined to go on to the very end and +see if these are the sum total of modern witchcraft. + +And then _duns_ came o'er the spirit of his dream, and fond +visions of sundry small debts, paid by magic and a wife, as soon +as he should succeed in finding the wife who had the magic, +floated across his hard-up brain, and encouraged him to +perseverance in his matrimonial quest. And when he had won that +invaluable lady, he would stuff his mattress with receipted +bills, and cram his pillow with cancelled notes, lie down to +pleasant dreams, and awake to ready cash. + +Sweet thought! + +So he made ready to visit the humble abode of MADAME CARZO, THE +BRAZILIAN ASTROLOGIST, _No. 151 Bowery_. + +To say that he discovered, in this lady, the ideal of his search, +that he found her handsome, intelligent, learned in the stars and +thoroughly posted in the other branches of her trade, would be +to anticipate. Suffice to say that boa-constrictors, half-naked +savages, dye-woods, Jesuit's bark, cockatoos, scorpions and +ring-tailed monkeys, are not, as he had hitherto supposed, the +only contributions to the happiness of mankind afforded by South +America, for the Province of Brazil grows fortune-tellers of a +very superior quality as to respectability and neatness of +appearance. A Brazilian witch was something new, and without +stopping to inquire how she had strayed so far away from home, he +immediately argued that that single fact was decidedly in her +favor. Thus ran the logic: + +If there be any diabolism in modern witchcraft, the practisers +thereof who have received their education in tropical latitudes +ought to be the most worthy of credence and belief, inasmuch as +the temperature of their places of residence seems to afford a +supposition that they live nearer head-quarters, and are, +therefore, most likely to receive information by the shortest +routes. + +By the time he arrived at the spot where the great astrologist +condescended to abide, he had, by this course of reasoning, +convinced himself that he ought to place implicit confidence in +any revelations of the future made by the mysterious woman who +advertised herself and her calling, daily in the papers as +follows: + + "MADAME CARZO, the gifted Brazilian Astrologist, tells + the fate of every person who visits her with wonderful + accuracy, about love, marriage, business, property, + losses, things stolen, luck in lotteries, absent + friends, at No. 151 Bowery, corner of Broome." + +The South American lady had located her mysterious self in a +fragrant spot. + +The corner of Bowery and Broome Street and vicinity seems to have +some kind of a constitutional disorder, and it relieves itself by +a cutaneous eruption of low rum shops and pustulous beer saloons, +which always look as if they ought to be squeezed and rubbed with +ointment of red lead. To an observing person it appears as if the +city wanted to scratch itself in that particular part to relieve +the local irritation, and then ought, for the sake of its general +health, to take a large dose of brimstone immediately afterward. +The liquors sold at these places are those pure and healthful +beverages, "warranted to kill at forty rods," and are the very +drinks with which a convivial, but revengeful man, would wish to +regale his friend against whom he held a secret grudge. Why +Madame Carzo had chosen this particular locality, does not +appear; perhaps because the liquor was cheap and the rent low. +Certain it is that there she sat, at a window overlooking the +Bowery, in full view of all the pedestrians in the street and the +passengers in the 4th Avenue Railroad. + +Madame Carzo was, doubtless, deeply attached to her old Brazilian +home, and loved to surround herself with circumstances and things +that would constantly and vividly recall pleasant memories of her +southern country. Cherishing, probably, kindly and regretful +remembrances of the harmless reptiles of her own Brazilian +forests, she had taken up her abode in the very thick of the +Bowery bar-rooms, as the only things afforded by our frigid +climate, at all approaching in life-destroying malignity the +speedier venoms to which she had been accustomed in her +delightful southern home. First-rate facilities for drugging a +man into a state of crazy madness are offered at the bar across +the way; he may swill himself into a condition of beastly +stupidity with lager beer from next door below; he may be +pleasantly poisoned by degrees with the drugged alcohol, in +various forms, which is sold next door above; or he may be more +speedily disposed of with a couple of doses of "doctored" whiskey +from the festering den just round the corner. Lucrezia Borgia was +a novice, a mere babe in toxicology. New York wholesale liquor +dealers could teach her the alphabet in the fine art of slow +poisoning. She would no longer need the subtle chemistry of the +Borgias; she could learn of them to poison wholesale and to do +the work by labor-saving machinery. + +Johannes, resolved that if he should marry the astrologist he +would move out of the neighborhood, and take a house in a cleaner +part of the city, for he felt that if he had to do even the +courting here, he would have to fumigate himself after every +visit to his lady-love as though he had just come out of a +yellow-fever ship. He knew that if he should chance to meet the +Health Officer in the street after a two hours' stay in that +locality, that trusty official would, from the unhealthy smell of +his coat, quarantine him for forty days, and put him up to his +neck in a barrel of chloride of lime every morning. + +But a full-fledged Cupid is a plucky animal, and not easily +killed by anything no more tangible than smell, and the +particular Cupid that had possession of the voyager's heart came +of a long-suffering breed, and was equal to almost any emergency. +So as Johannes did not feel his ardent passion die, or even turn +sick at the stomach, he thought he could manage to get through. +If he couldn't get along any other way, he could fill his pockets +with brimstone matches, and his boots full of blue vitriol. Or +he could carry a bunch of Chinese fire-crackers in his hat, and +touch them off on the sly whenever he felt himself in need of a +healthy smell. Then he could wash himself all over in lime-water, +and drink a quart or so of some liquid disinfectant every time he +came away. So he went ahead. + +Madame Carzo, the Brazilian interpreter of Yankee fate and +fortunes, lives in the third story of the house No. 151 Bowery, +with her sister, a girl of about fifteen years of age. The two +occupy themselves with plain sewing, except when the Madame is +overhauling the future and taking a look at the hereafter of some +anxious inquirer, who pays her as much for the reliable +information she imparts in three minutes, as she would charge him +for making three shirts. The inquirer gave his customary modest +ring at the door, and was admitted with as little question as if +he had been the taxes, the Croton water, or the gas. Up the two +flights of stairs walked the gentleman in the pursuit of +witchcraft, gave a bashful knock at the door, at the side of +which was painted, on a small bit of pasteboard, "Madame +Carzo"--repented of his temerity before the echo of the knock had +died away, but was admitted into the room before his repentance +had time to develop itself into running away. + +A shabby-looking girl, with her hair in as much confusion as if +the city had contracted to keep it straight, with one ear-ring in +her ear, and the other on the table, with her shoes down at the +heel, her dress unhooked behind, and her breast-pin wrong side +up, was the model young woman who had answered the knock. She had +evidently been engaged in an animated single combat with another +young woman, of about the same quality and age, who was seated on +a low stool in the corner, for she instantly renewed hostilities +by stabbing her antagonist in the arm with a needle, tapping her +on the head with a thimble, and kicking her pin-cushion under the +table, so she could not recover it without crawling on her hands +and knees. + +On a small sofa or lounge at the side of the room was a quantity +of what ladies call "work," thrown down in a great hurry, with +the needle yet sticking in it, and the scissors, and the beeswax, +and the measuring tape, and the bodkin half-concealed inside, as +if the knock at the door had startled the needle-woman, and she +had flown to parts unknown. It was undoubtedly Madame Carzo +herself who had so unceremoniously deserted her colors and her +weapons, and Johannes looked at the needle with veneration, +viewed the thimble with respect, and regarded the beeswax and the +bodkin with concentrated awe. + +A small cooking-stove was in the side of the room, and +immediately over it was a picture of St. Andrew in such a +position that he could smell all the dinners; a number of other +pictures of Roman Catholic subjects were neatly framed and +hanging against the wall. St. Somebody taking his ease on an +X-shaped cross, St. Somebody Else comfortably cooking on a +gridiron, and St. Somebody, different from either of these, +impaled on a spear like a bug in an Entomological Museum. There +was also an atrocious colored print labelled "Millard Fillmore," +which, if it at all resembled that venerated gentleman, must +have been taken when he had the measles, complicated with the +mumps and toothache, and was attired in a sky-blue coat, a red +cravat, yellow vest, and butternut-colored pantaloons. + +The room was neatly furnished with carpet, table, chairs, cheap +mirror, and a lounge. While the visitor was taking this +observation, the two young ladies before mentioned had continued +to spar after a feminine fashion, and had finished about three +rounds; the model, who had answered the bell, had got the other +one, who was black-haired and vicious, under the table, and was +following up her advantage by sticking a bodkin into the tender +places on her feet and ancles. When the model had at length +thoroughly subjugated and subdued the black-haired one, and +reduced her to a state of passive misery, she turned to her +visitor with an amiable smile, and asked him if he desired to see +the Madame. Receiving an affirmative reply, she gave a sly kick +to her fallen foe, stepped on her toes under pretence of moving +away a chair, and then disappeared into another room to inform +Madame Carzo that visitors and dollars were awaiting her +respectful consideration in the anteroom. + +The "gifted Brazilian astrologist" regarded the suggestion with a +favorable eye, for the model soon reappeared and showed the +searcher after hidden knowledge into a bedroom nearly dark, +wherein were several dresses hanging on the wall, a bed, two +chairs, a table, and Madame Carzo. The light was so arranged as +to fall directly in the face of the stranger, while the +countenance of the Madame was, to a certain extent, hidden in +shadow. + +Johannes, nevertheless, in spite of this disadvantage, by careful +observation, is enabled to give a tolerably accurate description +of Madame Carzo, as follows: She is a tall, comely-looking woman, +with unusually large black eyes, clear complexion, dark hair worn +_ la Jenny Lind_, a small hand, clean, and with the nails +trimmed, and she has a low sweet voice. Her dress was lady-like, +being a neat half-mourning plaid, with a plain linen collar at +the neck, turned smoothly over; altogether, Madame Carzo, the +Brazilian astrologist, who speaks without a symptom of foreign +accent, impressed her customer as being a transplanted Yankee +school ma'am, with shrewdness enough to see that while civilization +and enlightenment would only pay her twenty dollars a month, and +superstition and ignorance would give her twice that sum in a +week, she couldn't, of course, afford to live in a civilized and +enlightened neighborhood, and depend exclusively on civilization +and enlightenment for a living. + +And Johannes was smitten, he had found her, and if his fortune +was propitious he would yet win and wed the Brazilian astrologist, +and she should have the honor of paying his debt, and earning his +bread and butter. But he would make no advances yet for fear of +accidents; he would not commit himself until he had called upon +the rest of the witches on his list, to see, if perchance, he +might not find one more eligible. If not, then by all means +Madame Carzo should be the chosen one. The first thing evidently +was to ascertain her proficiency in the magic arts. + +The sorceress and the anxious inquirer seated themselves face to +face, and the following dialogue ensued: "Do you wish to consult +me, Sir?" "Yes." + +"My terms are a dollar for gentlemen." + +The expected dollar was handed over, when the 'cute Yankeeism of +the Brazilian lady blazed out brilliantly, for she instantly +produced a "Thompson's Bank-note Detector" from under a pillow, +and a one dollar note, issued by the President and Directors of +the "Quinnipiack Bank" of Connecticut, underwent a severe +scrutiny. At last the genuineness of the bill and the solvency of +the bank were certified to the Madame's satisfaction, in his +oracular pamphlet, by Thompson with a "p," and Madame Carzo was +evidently satisfied that her customer didn't mean to swindle her, +but was good for small debts not exceeding one dollar each. +Accordingly she took his left hand, regarded it for some time, +apparently delighted with its model symmetry, but at last so far +conquered her silent admiration as to speak and say: + +"You were born under two planets, Moon and Mars, Moon brings you +a great deal of trouble in the early part of your life. Moon has +occasioned a great deal of anxiety to your parents on your +account. Moon made you liable to accidents and misfortunes while +you was a boy, and Moon will give you great trouble until you +arrive at middle age. You were born, I should say, across the +water, and you will die across the water in a city, but not a +great city. You are, I should say, now far away from that city, +and from your home, and parents, and friends, who are, I should +say, all now far across the water. You will be sure, however, I +should say, for to see them all before you die, and to die in the +city that I told you of. Your line of life runs to 60; you will, +I should say, live to be 60, but not much after. Moon will cause +you much trouble for many years, but you will be certain for to +succeed well in the end, I should say. You will be certain for to +have final success and to conquer every obstacle, in spite of +Moon, I should say." + +Incensed as was Johannes at Moon for thus unjustifiably +interfering with his prospects and meddling with his private +affairs, he still admired the more the profitable science of the +wonderful lady whose acquirements in magic had given her so +intimate an acquaintance with Moon, as to enable her to tell so +exactly the plans and intentions of that unruly and adverse +planet. + +He mastered his indignation and listened attentively to the +sequel. + +On the small stand were two packs of cards of different sizes, +and a volume of Byron. Madame Carzo took up one pack of the +cards, presented them to the young man, waited for them to be cut +three times, after which she said: + +"You face up a good fortune I should say, you have had trouble +but can now, I should say, see the end of it--you face up money, +which is coming to you from over the water, I should say, and you +will be sure for to get it before a great while. You will never +have much money from relations or friends, though you will, I +should say, perhaps have some--but though you will handle a great +deal of money in your lifetime you will make the most of it +yourself, I should say--you will not, however, I should say, ever +be able for to become very rich, for you will never be able for +to keep money, although you will have the handling of a great +deal in your life. No, I am certain that you will never be rich." + +Here Johannes remembered the malicious influence of Moon upon his +fortunes, and as he clinched his fists, felt as if he would like +to get at the man who resides in that ill-conditioned planet, and +have a back-hold wrestle with him on stony ground. + +But the astrologist continued thus: "You face up a letter; you +also face up good news which is to come speedily I should say; +you don't face up a sick bed, or a coffin, or a funeral, or any +kind of immediate bad luck that I am able to see. You face up two +men, one dark and one light complexioned. You must beware of the +dark-complexioned man, for I should say he will do you an injury +if you allow him for to have a chance. You like to study: the +kind of business you would do best in is _doctor_. You face up a +light-complexioned lady; you will, I should say, be able to marry +this lady, though a dark-complexioned man stands in the way. You +must, I should say, be particularly careful to beware of the +dark-complexioned man. You will be married twice; your first wife +will die, but your last wife, I should say, will be likely for to +outlive you. You will have three children, which will be all, I +should say, that you will be likely for to have." + +And this was all for the present, except that she told her +visitor that he might draw thirteen cards, and make a wish, which +he did, and she, on carefully examining the cards, told him that +he would certainly have his wish. + +Cheered by this last grateful promise, and bidding a mental +defiance to Moon, the traveller left the room. In the reception +chamber he found the model and the black-eyed one just coming to +time for what he should judge was the twenty-seventh round, both +much damaged in the hair, but plucky to the last. + +Johannes walked briskly away, feeling that his matrimonial +prospects were brighter now than for many a day, and fully +determined that if, on going further he fared worse, he would +certainly retrace his steps and wed Madame Carzo off-hand. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +In which is set down the prophecy of Madame Leander Lent, of No. +163 Mulberry Street; and how she promised her Customer numerous +Wives and Children. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +MADAME LEANDER LENT, No. 163 MULBERRY STREET. + + +I have before suggested, in as plain terms as the peculiar nature +of the subject will allow, that these fortune-telling women, +having most of them been prostitutes in their younger days, in +their withered age become professional procuresses, and make a +trade of the betrayal of innocence into the power of Lust and +Lechery. This assertion is so eminently probable that few will be +inclined to dispute it, but I wish to be understood that this is +no matter of mere surmise with me--it is a proven fact. And the +evidences of its truth have been gathered, not alone from the +formal and hurried records of the police courts, but from the +lips of certain inmates of various Magdalen Asylums who have +been reclaimed from their former homes of shame; and from the +mouths of other repentant women, who, under circumstances where +there was no object to deceive, and at times when their hearts +were full of grateful love for those who had interposed to save +them from utter despair, have in all simple truthfulness and +honor, related their life-histories. It is impossible to give +even a plausible guess at the aggregate number of young women, in +this great city, who compromise their honorable reputations in +the course of a single year; but of those whose shame becomes +publicly known, and especially of those who eventually enter +houses of ill-repute, the percentage whose fall was accomplished +through the instrumentality, more or less direct, of the +professional fortune-tellers, is astounding. And a curious fact +connected with this subject is, that of these unfortunates who +thus wander astray, not one in ten but has ever after the most +superstitious and implicit faith in the supernatural powers of +the witch. Each one sees in her own case certain things that have +been foretold to her by the fortune-teller with such circumstantiality +of time and place, and which have afterwards "come to pass," so +exactly in accordance with the prophecy, that she can only +account for it by ascribing supernatural prescience to the +prophetess. + +The true solution of the matter is, of course, that the wonderful +fulfilments are achieved by means of confederacy and collusion +with parties with whom the dupe is never brought in contact; a +common _modus operandi_ of this sort is elsewhere described. + +Nor are the fortune-tellers and the brothel-keepers by any means +content with playing into each other's hands in a general sort of +way; there are, in New York, several _firms_, consisting each of +a fortune-teller and a mistress of a bawdy-house, who have +entered into a perfectly organized business partnership, and who +ply their fearful trade with as much zeal and enthusiasm as is +ever exhibited in the active competition between rival commercial +houses engaged in legitimate trade. + +Although this fact is one that cannot be substantiated by the +production of any sworn documents, it is as well proven by the +observations of keen-eyed detectives attached to the police +department, and to some of the charitable institutions of this +city, as though attested articles of co-partnership could be +exhibited with the signatures of the contracting parties attached +thereto. A gentleman of this city, in whose word I have the most +perfect confidence, tells me that he once, by a curious accident, +overheard a business consultation between the two members of such +a firm; and that such partnerships _do_ exist, and that by their +means hundreds of ignorant young women, of the lower classes, are +every year betrayed to their moral ruin, I no more doubt than I +doubt the rotundity of the earth. + +If the illustrious woman who is the subject of the present +chapter should ever surmise that the foregoing observations are +intended to have a personal application to herself, the author +will give her much more credit for sagacity and discernment than +he did for supernatural wisdom. + +Madame Leander Lent is one of the most shrewd, unscrupulous, and +dirty of all the goodly sisterhood of New York witches. She has +so great a run of customers that her doors are often besieged by +anxious inquirers as early as eight o'clock in the morning, and +the servant is frequently puzzled to find room and chairs to +accommodate the shame-faced throng, till her ladyship sees fit to +get out of bed and begin the labors of the day. She is then +impartial in the distribution of her favors; the audiences are +governed by barber-shop rules, and the visitors are admitted to +the presence in the order of their coming, and any one going out +forfeits his or her "turn" and on returning must take position at +the tail end of the queue. + +The Fates show no favoritism. + +The quarter in which Madame Lent has domiciled herself and her +familiars, is by no means in the most aristocratic part of the +city. "Mulberry," is the pomological name of the street, and it +has never been celebrated for its cleanliness or for its +eligibility as a site for princely mansions. In fact it has +been, on the whole, rather neglected by that class of society who +generally indulge in palatial luxuries. + +Hercules, in his capacity of an amateur scavenger, once attempted +the cleaning of the Augean stables, or some such trifle, and his +success was trumpeted throughout the neighborhood as a triumph of +ingenuity and perseverance. If Hercules would come to Gotham and +try his hand at the purgation of Mulberry Street, our word for +it, he would, in less than a week, knock out his brains with his +own club in utter despair. + +There never yet were swine with stomachs strong enough to feed +upon the garbage of its gutters, or with instincts so perverted +as to wallow in its filth. Dogs, lean and wild-eyed, the outcasts +of the canine world, sometimes, driven by sore stress of hunger, +sneak here with drooping tails and shame-faced looks, to search +for bones, and then, wounded in their self-respect by the very +act, they drag their osseous provender to a distance, and upon +some sunny mud-heap, dine in dainty neatness. The very pavement +is broken into countless hillocks and ruts like waves, as if, in +utter disgust at the place and its associations, the street was +trying to roll itself away in stony billows. The shattered wrecks +of worn-out drays and carts stand forsaken in the street, keeping +each other dismal company, while an occasional shackly wheelbarrow +makes the place look as though, after some monstrous fashion, it +were a lying-in hospital for poverty-stricken vehicles, and the +wheelbarrows were the new-born children, decrepit even in their +babyhood. The houses in this pleasant vale have a disheartened +tumble-down look, and give the impression of having been +originally built by apprentices out of second-hand material. They +lean maliciously over the narrow sidewalks, and keep up a +constant threatening of a sudden collapse and a general smash of +passers-by. If the houses are not dirtier than the street, it is +only because every possible element of filth enters into the +latter; if they are not dirtier inside than outside, it is +because superlatives have no superlative. + +Pawnbrokers' shops are plentiful, kept always by sharp-featured +restless Jews, who watch for unwary passers-by like unclean +beasts crouching in noisome, dangerous lairs; while bar-rooms +yawn in frequent cellars to devour bodily the victims the Jews +only rob. + +In this, one of the dirtiest streets in this dirty metropolis, +directly opposite the English Lutheran Church of St. James, in +one of the dirtiest tenant-houses in the street, abideth Madame +Leander Lent, the prophetess. Why the mysterious powers didn't +select an earthly representative with a more reputable dwelling-place +is a mystery; but there seems to be an inseparable congeniality +between prophetic knowledge and concentrated nastiness, utterly +beyond all power of explanation. The Madame advises the public of +her business in the terms following: + + "ASTROLOGY.--Madame LEANDER LENT can be consulted about + love, marriage, and absent friends; she tells all the + events of life at No. 169 Mulberry-st., first floor, + back room. Ladies 25 cents; gents 50 cents. She causes + speedy marriage. Charge extra." + +Her customers are much more addicted to love than marriage, so +that the wedlock clause cannot be relied on to bring many fish to +the net, but it is supposed to give an air of respectability to +the advertisement. + +The Cash Customer was, perhaps, an exception to this general +rule, and feeling that he would on the whole rather like a +"speedy marriage," and wouldn't so much mind the "extra charge," +he went, in cold blood, with this matrimonial intent to the +street, found the number, and heroically entered the house in the +very face of a threatened unclean baptism from the upper windows. + +His timid knock at the door of the room was answered by a sturdy +"Come in," from the inside; hat deferentially in hand he modestly +entered, and was received by a fat woman with a bust of +proportions exceeding those of Mrs. Merdle in "Little Dorrit," +and who was attired in a dress which may have been clean in the +earlier years of its history, though the supposition is +exceedingly apocryphal. This lady pointed to a chair, and then +composedly seated herself and resumed her explorations with a +comb, in the hair of a vicious boy of about three years old, the +eldest scion of Madame Leander. + +Her enthusiasm in the cause of entomological science was too +ardent to be quenched by the mere presence of an observer, and +she continued to hunt her insect prey with all the ardor of a +she-Nimrod, and with a zeal that was rewarded by a brilliant +success. The youth, over whose fertile head the game seemed to +rove and range in countless numbers, was somewhat restless under +the operation, and oftentimes disturbed the eager sportswoman by +manifesting a desire to run into the street and carry the +hunting-ground with him, and was as often recalled to a sense of +the proprieties by a few judicious slaps, which he stoically +endured without a whimper, being evidently used to it. + +This feminine lover of the chase, this Diana of the fiery scalp, +looked up from her occupations long enough to say to her visitor +that Madame Lent would soon be disengaged. Meantime, he made a +careful survey of the premises. + +Two chairs, an old lounge with its dingy red cover fastened on +with pins, and a trunk covered with an old bit of carpet, were +the accommodations for seating visitors. A cooking-stove, and a +suspicious-looking wash-bowl which stood in the corner of the +room, without a pitcher, were probably for the accommodation of +the Madame and the lady with the comb. On the shabby lounge sat a +stolid-looking Irish girl, who was waiting her turn to have her +fortune told. Having fully comprehended the room and everything +in it, the visitor turned his attention to literary pursuits, and +thoroughly perused an odd copy of a newspaper that lay invitingly +on the table. + +Visitors kept dropping in, mostly servant-appearing girls, though +there were three women attired in silk and laces, who would have +appeared respectable had their faces been hidden and their +conversation been suppressed. The lady with the comb and the boy +presently departed to some unknown region, and soon returned +with a reinforcement of chairs and stools. The number of visitors +increased, until, besides the original stranger, nine were +waiting. Among others, there came, in a friendly way, but still +with a sharp eye to business, a tall woman, attired in a red +dress and a purple bonnet, who is the keeper of a well-known +house in Sullivan street, and whose name is not strange to the +police. An unrestrained business conversation ensued between her +and the heroine of the comb, which must have been interesting to +the female listeners. + +One hour and eleven minutes did the Cash Customer patiently wait +before he was admitted to the mysterious conference with the +queen of magic. At last, after the man who was at first closeted +with her had concluded his inquiries, and the stolid Irish girl +had been disposed of, the woman with the suggestive bust beckoned +the long-suffering and patient man to follow, and he fearfully +entered the sanctum. + +The room of conjuration was a closet, dark and dirty, and was +lighted by one tallow candle, stuck in a Scotch ale bottle. A +number of shabby dresses, bony petticoats, and other mysterious +articles of women's gear, hung upon the walls; two weak-kneed +chairs, a tattered bit of carpet upon about two feet square of +the floor, and a little table covered with a greasy oilcloth, +composed the furniture of the mystic cell. The cabalistic +paraphernalia was limited, there being nothing but a dirty pack +of double-headed cards, a small pasteboard box with some scraps +of paper in it, and two kinds of powder in little bottles, like +hair-oil pots. + +Madame Lent is a woman of medium height, about thirty-five years +of age, with light-grey eyes, false teeth, a head nearly bald, +and hair, what there is of it, of a bright red. Her manner is +hurried and confused, and she has a trick of drawing her upper +lip disagreeably up under the end of her nose, which labial +distortion she doubtless intends for a smile. + +She was robed in a bright-colored plaid dress, a dirty lace +collar, and a coarse woollen shawl over her shoulders. Motioning +her visitor to one chair, she instantly seated herself in the +other, and, without demanding pay in advance, commenced +operations. She handed the cards to be cut, and then laying them +out in their piles, uttered the following sentences: + +"I see that your fortune has been and is quite a curious one. +Your cards run rather mixed up, you have been very much worried +in your head, you were born under two planets, which means that +you have seen a great deal of trouble in your younger days, but +you are now getting over it and your cards run to better luck, +but it is rather mixed up, your cards run to a lady, she is +light-haired and blue-eyed, but she is jealous of you, for +sometimes you treat her more kinder and sometimes more harsher, +and just now she is in trouble and very much mixed up about you. +There is a man of black hair and eyes, a dark-_complected_ man +who pretends to be your friend and is very fair to your face, but +you must beware of him, for he is your secret enemy and will do +you an injury if he can; he is trying to get the lady, but I +don't think he'll do it, though I don't know, for the thing is +so much mixed up--he has deceived you, and the lady has deceived +you, they have both deceived you, but now they have got mixed up, +and she turns from him with scorn, and seems to like you the +best--I don't exactly see how it all is, for it seems rather mixed +up like--you must persevere, you must coax her more; you can coax +her to do anything, but you can't drive her any more than you can +drive that wall--always treat her more kinder and never more +harsher, and she will soon be yours entirely--beware of the +dark-complected man; you must not talk so much and be so open in +your mind, and above all don't talk so much to the dark-complected +man, for he seems to worry you, and your affairs and his are all +mixed up like." + +Here her auditor expressed a desire to know something definite +and certain about his future wife, whereupon the red-haired +prophetess shuffled the cards again with the following result: + +"You will have but one more wife. She will be good and true, and +will not be mixed up with any dark-complected man. She will be +rich and you will be rich, for your business cards run very +smooth, but your marriage cards do not run very close to you, and +you will not be married for six or eight months; you will have +three children; you will see your future wife within nine hours, +nine days, or nine weeks; do not blame me if it runs into the +tens, but I tell you it will fall within the nines. Another man +is trying to get her away from you, he is a light-complected man, +he has had some influence over her, but she now turns from him +with disdain, and she will be yours and yours only--things are a +little worried and mixed up now, but she will be yours and yours +only, the light-complected man can't hurt you. I have something +that I can give you that will make her love you tender and true; +it will force her to do it and she won't have no power to help +herself, but you can do with her just what you please; I charge +extra for that." + +Here was a chance to procure a love-philtre at a reasonable rate, +and unless the dark woman kept that article ready made and done +up in packages to suit customers, he could observe the terrible +ceremonies with which it was prepared, listen to the spells and +incantations with an attent eye, and take mental notes of all the +mighty magic. The opportunity was too good to be lost, and he at +once signified his desire to try a little of the extra witchcraft, +and his willingness to draw on his purse for the requisite amount +of ready cash to purchase this gratification of a laudable curiosity. + +Madame Lent now assumed an air of the most intense gravity, and +shook into a very dirty bit of paper a little white powder from +one of the pomatum pots, and a corresponding quantity of grayish +powder from pot No. 2, and stirred them carefully together with +the tip of her finger. When she had mixed them to her liking she +folded the diabolical compound in a small paper. Then she +prepared another mixture in the same manner, and made a pretence +of adding another ingredient from a little pasteboard box, which +probably hadn't had anything in it for a month. Folding this +also in a paper she presented them both to her interested guest, +with these directions: + +"You must shake some of the first powder on your true-love's +head, or neck, or arms, if you can, but if you can't manage this, +put it on her dress--the other powder you must sprinkle about your +room when you go to bed to-night--this will draw her to you, and +she will love you and you alone and can't help herself; this will +surely operate, if it don't, come and tell me." + +One more cabalistic performance and the hocus-pocus was ended. +She desired her customer to give her the first letter of his true +love's name. He, unabashed by the unexpected demand, with great +presence of mind promptly invented a sweetheart on the spot, and +extemporized a name for her before the question was repeated. +Then the mysterious Madame required his own initial, which, being +obtained, she wrote the two on slips of paper with some mystic +figures appended, in manner following. E., 17; M., 24. Then she +shiveringly whispered: + +"You must do as I told you with the powders before eleven o'clock +to-night, for between the hours of eleven and twelve I shall boil +your name and hers in herbs which will draw her to you, and she +can't help herself but will be tender and true, and will be yours +and yours only. When she is drawed to you then you must marry +her." + +The anxious inquirer promised obedience, and agreed to give the +powders as per prescription, before the midnight cookery should +commence, paid his dollar (fifty cents for the consultation and a +like sum for the love-powders), and made his exit with a +comprehensive bow, which included the Madame, the bony petticoats, +the beer-bottle, and the fast-vanishing remains of the single +tallow-candle in one reverential farewell. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +Wherein are inscribed all the particulars of a visit to the +"Gipsy Girl," of No. 207, Third Avenue, with an allusion to Gin, +and other luxuries dear to the heart of that beautiful Rover. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +THE GIPSY GIRL. + + +There is much less affectation of high-flown and lofty-sounding +names among the ladies of the black-art mysteries, than might +very naturally be expected. Most of them are content with plain +"Madame" Smith, or unadorned "Mrs." Jones, and "The Gipsy Girl" +is almost the only exception to this rule that is to be +encountered among all the fortune-tellers of the city. + +This arises from no poverty of invention on their part, but from +a sound conviction that in this case, simplicity is an element of +sound policy. There has been no lack of "mysteriously gifted +prophetesses," and of "astonishing star readers;" there have +been, I believe, within the last few years, a "Daughter of +Saturn," and a "Sorceress of the Silver Girdle;" and once the +"Queen of the Seven Mysteries" condescended to sojourn in Gotham +for five weeks, but on the whole it has been found that a more +modest title pays better. To be sure, the "Daughter of Saturn" +was tried for conspiring with two other persons to swindle an old +and wealthy gentleman out of seventeen hundred dollars, and the +"Queen of the Seven Mysteries" was dispossessed by a constable +for non-payment of rent; and these untoward circumstances may +have acted as a "modest quencher" on the then growing disposition +to indulge in fantastic and romantic appellations. + +At this present time "The Gipsy Girl" enjoys almost a monopoly of +this sort of thing, and she is by no means constant to one name, +but sometimes announces herself as "The Gipsy Woman," "The Gipsy +Palmist," and "The Gipsy Wonder," as her whim changes. + +This woman has not been in New York years enough to become +complicated in as many rascalities as some of her elder sisters +in the mystic arts, but her surroundings are of a nature to +indicate that she has not been backward in her American education +on these points. She has not been remarkably successful in making +money, as a witch; not having been educated among the strumpets +and gamblers of the city she lacked that extensive acquaintance +on going into business, that had secured for her rivals in trade +such immediate success. Her fondness for gin has also proved a +serious bar to her rapid advancement, and has given not a few of +her customers the idea that she is not so eminently trustworthy +as one having the control of the destinies of others should be. +In fact, she loves her enemy, the bottle, to that extent, that +she has many times permitted her devotion to it to interfere +seriously with her business, leading her to disappoint customers. +The quality of her sober predictions is about the same as that of +others in the same profession, but her intoxicated foretellings +are deserving of a chapter to themselves, and they shall have it, +for from force of peculiar circumstances, which will be +explained hereafter, the Cash Customer made three visits to this +celebrated woman. Her first address was 207 3d Avenue, between +Eighteenth and Nineteenth Streets. + +The Gipsy Girl! How romantically suggestive was this feminine +phrase to the fancy of an enthusiastic reporter. Was it then, +indeed, permitted that he should know Meg Merrilees in private +life? His heart danced at the poetic possibility, and his heels +would have extemporized a vigorous hornpipe but that his +saltatory ardor was quenched by the depressing sturdiness of +cow-hide boots. With the most pleasing anticipations he perused +the subjoined advertisement again and again, and looked to the +happy future with a joyful hope. + + "A Wonder--The Gipsy Girl.--If you wish to know all the + secrets of your past and future life, the knowledge of + which may save you years of sorrow and care, don't fail + to consult the above-named palmist. Charge 50 cents. + The Gipsy has also on hand a secret which will enable + any lady or gentleman to win or obtain the affections + of the opposite sex. Charge extra. No. 207 3d av., + between 18th and 19th sts." + +How the knowledge of all the secrets of his past life was to save +him years of sorrow and care at this late day he could not +exactly comprehend, and was willing to pay fifty cents for the +information. And then wasn't it worth half a dollar to see a live +gipsy? Of course it was. + +Kettles, camp-fires, white tents under green trees, indigenous +brown babies and exotic white ones, with a panorama of empty +cradles and mourning mothers in the distance, moonlight nights, +midnight foraging excursions, expeditions against impertinent +game-keepers, demonstrations against hen-roosts--successful by +masterly generalship and pure strategic science--and the midnight +forest cookery of contraband game, surreptitious pigs and +clandestine chickens--were among the romantic ideas of a +delightful vagabond gipsy life that at once suggested themselves +to the mind of the Cash Customer. He did not really expect to +find the Third-Avenue gipsy camped out under a bed-quilt tent in +the lee of the house, or cooking her dinner in an iron pot over +an out-door fire in the back yard, but he had a vague undefined +hope that there would be some visible indications of gipsy life, +if it was nothing more than the pawn-tickets for stolen spoons. + +He thought to find at least one or two beautiful babies knocking +about, decorated with coral necklaces and golden clasps, +suggestive of rich parents and better days, and had firmly +resolved to send the little innocents to the alms-house by way of +improving their condition. Full of these romantic notions, the +reporter started on his philanthropic mission, taking the +preliminary precaution of leaving at home his watch and +pocket-book, and carrying with him only small change enough to +pay the advertised charges. + +In one of those three-story brick houses so abounding in this +city, which seem to have been built by the mile and cut off in +slices to suit purchasers, in the Third Avenue above Eighteenth +Street, dwelt at that time the gay Bohemian. The building in +which she lived, though three stories in height, is very short +between joints, which style of architecture makes all the rooms +low and squat, as if somebody had shut the house into itself like +a telescope, and had never pulled it out again. + +Out of the chimney, which was the little end of the telescope, +issued a sickly smoke; and through a door in the lower story, +which was the big end thereof, was the stranger admitted by a +little girl. This girl was, probably, a pure article of gipsy +herself originally, but had been so much adulterated by partial +civilization that she combed her hair daily and submitted to +shoes and stockings without a murmur. Ragged indeed was this +reclaimed wanderer; saucy and dirty-faced was this sprouting +young maiden, but she was sharp-witted, and scented money as +quickly as if she had been the oldest hag of her tribe; so she +asked her customer to walk up stairs, which he did. She herself +went up stairs with a skip and a whirl, showed her visitor into +the grand reception room with a gyrating flourish, and disappeared +in a "courtesy" of so many complex and dizzy rotations that she +seemed to the eyes of the bewildered traveller to evaporate in a +red flannel mist. As soon as she had spun herself out of sight he +recovered his presence of mind and looked about him. + +The romantic gipsy who sojourned here had tried to furnish her +rooms like civilized people, doubtless out of respect to her many +patrons. A thread-bare carpet was under foot; a little parlor +stove with a little fire in it was standing on a little piece of +zinc, and did its little utmost to heat the room; an uncomfortable +looking sofa covered with shabby and faded red damask graced one +side of the apartment, and a lounge, of curtailed dimensions, +partially covered with shreds of turkey red calico, adorned +another side. + +This latter article of furniture, with its tattered cover, +through which suspicious bits of curled hair peeped out, and wide +crevices in its rickety frame were plainly visible, looked much +too suggestive of cockroaches and other insect delicacies of the +season to be an inviting place of repose. + +Three chairs were dispersed throughout the room, on one of which +the reporter bestowed himself, and the rest of the furniture +consisted of a table, so exceedingly shaky and sensitive in the +joints that it might have been the grim skeleton of some former +table, loosely hung together with unseen wires; and a cheap +looking-glass that had suffered so serious a comminuted fracture +as to be past all surgery--this was all except some little plaster +images of saints, strangers to the Cash Customer, and a black +rosary, which article would seem to show that efforts had been +put forth to Christianize this nut-brown gipsy maid. + +A clinking of glasses was heard in the adjoining apartment, then +the door was opened with an independent flirt, and the gay +Bohemian appeared on the scene. + +If it were desired to fancy visions of enchanting loveliness it +would be necessary to insert therein other ingredients than the +gipsy girl of the Third Avenue; alone she would be insufficient; +too much would be left to the imagination; and in any event the +illusion would be too great to last long. + +She is of medium height, her eyes are brown and bright, and her +hands are very large and red. She has no hair, but wears a +scratch red wig, which gives her head a utilitarian character. +Her face is deeply pitted with the small-pox, more than +pitted--gullied, scarred, and seamed, as though some jealous rival +had been trying to plough her complexion under; little short +light hairs are thinly scattered on her cheek bones and upper +lip, and in the shadows of the little ridges that disease had +left, irresistibly compelling the mind to make an absurd +comparison of her face with a sterile field, and imagine that at +some past day it had been spaded up to plant a beard, which had +only grown in scanty patches, here and there. Her nails were +horny and ill-shaped, and underneath them and at their roots were +large deposits of dirt and other fertilizing compounds, under the +stimulating influence of which they had grown lank and long. Her +attire was a sort of cross between the picturesque wildness of +the gipsy, and the more civilized and unbecoming dress of Third +Avenue Christians. + +She was apparelled, principally, in a red flannel jacket, and a +check handkerchief, which was passed under her chin and tied on +the top of her wig, where the knot looked like a blue butterfly. +There was a gown, but a series of subsoiling experiments would +have been necessary to determine the material and texture; the +surface was palpably dirt. Accompanying her there was a strong +smell of gin, and from the odor of the liquor the visitor judged +that it was a very poor article. + +This gay old gipsy drew a chair to the table, and sat down, not +in a graceful and composed manner, but more as if she had been +dumped from a cart. She soon partially recovered herself, and +straightened up slightly from the heap into which she had +collapsed, and, turning her head away from her customer, she +elaborately remarked: "Fifty cents and your left 'and." + +The Individual made a careful search for his small change, and +fished out the exact amount which he promptly paid over. + +This delightful gipsy then took his left hand and looked at it +for a minute in an imbecile kind of way, as if she didn't know +exactly what to do with it, and was undecided whether it was to +be made into soup, or she was to drink it immediately with warm +water and a little sugar. This last impression evidently +prevailed, for she tried to pour it into her apron, and only +recovered from her delusion when the fingers tangled themselves +up in the strings. Then a glimmering of the true state of the +case seemed to dawn upon her, and she began to have a dim idea +that she was expected to say something. + +Now the roving gipsy was not by any means intoxicated at this +time; that is to say, she may have been partaking of gin, or gin +and water, or may have been sucking sugar that had gin on it, or +she may have been taking a little gin and peppermint for a +stomach-ache, or she may have been bathing her head in gin, or +have been otherwise making use of that potent remedy as a +medicine, but she was by no means a subject for official +interference in case she had wandered into the street, but she +was, to tell the truth, not in her most clear-headed condition; +although probably she did not see more than one Cash Customer +sitting solemnly before her, still that one was quite as many as +she could well manage at that time. + +After the signal failure of her little demonstration on the hand +of her guest, she, by a strong effort, seemed to concentrate her +faculties, and after several trials she roused herself and spoke +as follows, emphasizing the short words with spiteful vindictiveness, +and paying the most particular attention to the improper aspiration +of the h's. + +"You _are_ a person as _has_ seen a great deal _of_ dif--" + +The gay Bohemian here evidently desired to say "difficulty," but +the word was a sad stumbling-block, a four-syllable rock ahead +which was too much for her powers in her then exhausted state of +mind; she charged on the unfortunate word boldly, however, and +tried to carry it by storm, but each time was repulsed with great +loss of breath--"a great deal of dif--dif--dif--diffle"--it was no +use, so she tried back and began again. + +"You _are_ a man as _has_ seen a great deal of _diffleculency_," +was what she said, but it didn't seem to satisfy her, so she +tried again, and after a number of trials she hit a happy medium +between "_dif_" and "_diffleculency_" and compromised on +"_difflety_," which useful addition to the language she took +occasion to repeat as often as possible with an air of decided +triumph. + +"You _are_ a man as _has_ seen a great deal of difflety _and_ +trouble--I would not go _to_ say you 'ave been through too much +difflety _and_ trouble, still you 'ave seen difflety _and_ +trouble. If you had been a luckier man _in_ your past life you +_would_ not 'ave seen _so_ much difflety and trouble, still you +_'ave_ seen difflety _and_ trouble--I 'ope you will not see so +much difflety _and_ trouble _in_ the future--Life: you _will_ live +long; you will live _to_ be 69 years of _hage and will_ die of a +lingering disease--you _will_ be sick for a long time, and _will_ +not suffer much difflety and trouble--sixty-nine years of _hage_ +you _will_ live to be--Death: don't think _of_ death; that is +_too_ far hoff a you _to_ think of--but you _will_ die when you +_are_ 69 years of hage, and you _may_ 'ope to go right hup to +'eaven, for you _will_ 'ave no more difflety and trouble +then--Money: you _will_ 'ave money, and you _will_ 'ave plenty of +money, but you must not look for money until _you_ 'ave reached +your middle _hage_--a distant Hinglish relative of yours _will_ +leave you money, but you _will_ 'ave difflety _and_ trouble in +getting it; do not hexpect _to_ get _this_ money without +difflety, no do not cherish _such_ a 'ope--hit _will_ be _in_ the +'ands of a man who wont hanswer your letters nor take notice of +your happlications, you _will_ 'ave _to_ cross the hocean +yourself; this money _will_ be a good deal of money _and_ will +make _you_ 'appy for the rest _of_ your days--Business: you _will_ +thrive in business, you _will_ never be hunfortunate in business, +you _will_ 'ave luck in business, you will always _do_ a good +business, may hexpect to make money _by_ large speculations in +business; difflety _and_ trouble in business you _will_ not +know--Great Troubles: you need not hexpect to 'ave many great +troubles _for_ you will not; you 'ave 'ad your great troubles +_in_ your hearly days--Sickness: you _will_ never see no sickness, +'ave no fear of sickness for you _will_ not see none; sickness, +do not care for it and make your mind _heasy_--Friends: you 'ave +_got_ many friends, both 'ere and helsewhere, your friends _will_ +be 'appy and you will be 'appy, there will be no difflety _and_ +trouble between you, you 'ave 'ad trouble with your friends, but +you face brighter days, be 'appy--Wives: you _will_ 'ave _but_ one +wife; in the third month _from_ now you _will_ 'ear from 'er, you +_will_ get a letter from 'er, and in the fourth month you _will_ +be married--she is not particularly 'andsome, nor she _is_ not +specially hugly, she 'as got blue heyes and brown 'air, _is_ +partickler fond of 'ome and is now heighteen years of hage--'Appiness: +you _will_ be the 'appiest people in _all_ the land, you can't +himagine the 'appiness you _will_ 'ave--Children: you _will_ 'ave +three children, after you are married you _will_ see no more +difflety _and_ trouble; you _will_ die _in_ a foreign land +across the hocean but you _will_ die 'appy. 'Ope for 'appiness +and 'ave _no_ huneasiness." + +Thus prophesied the gay Bohemian, the nut-brown maid, the +dark-eyed oracle, the wise charmer, the female seer, the +beautiful sibyl, the lovely enchantress, the romantic "gipsy +girl" of the Third Avenue. + +Romance and poesy were effectually demolished by the overpowering +realities of dirt, vulgarity, cockneyism, ignorance, scratch-wigs, +bad English, and bad gin. Sadly the Individual walked down stairs +behind the gyrating girl, who reappeared with an agile pirouette, +twirled down on her toes, and opened the door with a dizzy +revolution that made her look as if her head and shoulders had +got into a whirlpool of petticoats, and were past all hope of +mortal rescue. The little chink, as of a bottle and glass, came +faintly from the apartment which is the home of the gipsy, and +the individual fancied that the gay Bohemian had returned to her +devotions. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +Contains a true account of the Magic Establishment of Mrs. +Fleury, of No. 263 Broome Street, and also shows the exact +quantity of Witchcraft that snuffy personage can afford for one +Dollar. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +MADAME FLEURY, No. 263 BROOME STREET. + + +From what the reader has already perused of the predictions and +prophecies of these modern dealers in magic, he will hardly think +them of a character to inspire any great degree of confidence in +the minds of people of ordinary common sense. Still less will he +be disposed to believe that merchants of "credit and renown;" +business men, engaged in occupations, the operations of which are +presumed to be governed by the nicest mathematical calculations, +are ever so far influenced by the miserable jargon of these +"fortune-tellers," as to seriously consult them in business +matters of great importance. + +Such, however, is the humiliating truth. + +There are in New York city a number of merchants, bankers, +brokers, and other persons eminent in the business world, and +respectable in all social relations, who never make an important +business move in any direction, until after consultation with one +or another of the Witches of New York. + +There are many who are regular periodical customers, and who +visit the shrine of the oracle once a month, or once in six +weeks, as regularly as they make out their balance-sheets, or +take an account of stock, and who guide their future investments +and business ventures as much by the written fifty-cent prophecy +as by either of the other documents. + +Many country merchants have also learned this trick, and some of +them are in constant correspondence with the cheap sybils of +Grand Street; and others, when they come to the city for their +stock of goods for the next half year, visit their chosen +fortune-teller and get full and explicit directions how to +conduct their business for the coming six months. Of course, +these proceedings are conducted with the greatest possible +secrecy, and the attention of the writer was first awakened to +this fact by the indiscreet boastings of certain ones of the +witches themselves, who are not a little proud of their +influence, and after observations afforded ample proof and +corroboration of all he had been told. + +Great money enterprises have without doubt been seriously +affected by the yea or nay of the Bible and key, and perhaps the +Atlantic Cable Company would have received more hearty assistance, +and its stock more extensive subscriptions in Wall Street, if +certain ones of the fortune-tellers had possessed more faith in +its success, and had so advised their patrons. + +Incredible as these statements may seem, they are nevertheless +true, and this fact is another proof that gross superstition is +not confined to the low and filthy parts of the city, where rags +and dirt are the universal rule, but that it has likewise a +thrifty growth in quarters of the town where stand the palaces of +the "merchant princes," and in avenues where rags are almost +unknown, and broadcloth, and gold, and fine-twined linen are the +common wear. + +It is said that certain counsel eminent in the learned profession +of the law, and that certain even of the judges of the bench, +have been known to consult the female practicers of the Black +Art, but the author has never been personally cognizant of a case +of this kind, and has no means of knowing whether the consultation +was intended to benefit the lawyer or the witch; whether the +former desired enlightenment as to the management of some knotty +professional point, or whether the latter wanted legal advice as +to some of the side branches of her business. + +_Mrs. Fleury_, whose domicile and mode of procedure are described +in this present chapter, has a large run of this sort of what may +be termed _respectable_ custom, and she does not fail to profit +by it to the utmost. She came to New York, from France, about six +or seven years ago, and at once established herself in the witch +business, which she could advertise extensively in the papers, +although the other branches of her profession, by which she +probably makes more money than by telling fortunes, would by no +means bear newspaper publicity. What these other branches are, +is more explicitly stated in other chapters of this book, and, in +fact, needs to be but hinted at, to be at once understood by +nearly all who read. + +Madame Fleury advertised the world of her arrival in America, and +of her supernatural powers, and in a short time customers began +to flock in. It is now her boast that she has as "respectable a +connexion" as any one in the trade, and that she has as great a +number of "regular, reliable customers," as any conjuress in +America. She says that most of her "regular customers" visit her +once in six weeks, six being with her a favorite number, and she +not undertaking to guarantee her _business_ predictions for a +greater length of time. + +Whether she makes any discount from her ordinary prices to these +regular traders, she did not state, but probably witchcraft is +governed by the same rule as other commodities, and comes cheaper +to wholesale dealers. + +Duly armed and equipped with staff and scrip, and duly fortified +within by such stimulants as the exigencies of the case seemed +to demand, the Cash Customer set out for 263 Broome Street, and +after strict trial and due examination of the premises and the +people, he made the following report. + +It was a favorite remark of a learned though mistaken philosopher +of the olden time, that "you can't make a whistle of a pig's +tail." The philosopher died, but his saying was accepted by the +world as an axiom--a bit of incontrovertible truth, eternal, +Godlike, fully up to par, worth a hundred per cent., with no +possibility of discount. Time, however, which often demonstrates +the fallibility of human wisdom, has not spared even this +oft-quoted adage; and now there is not a collection of curiosities +in the land which lacks a pig-tail whistle to proclaim in the +shrillest tones the falsity of the wise man's proposition, and +the triumph of Yankee ingenuity. Had this same philosopher been +interrogated on the subject, he would undoubtedly have announced, +and with an equal show of probability on his side of the +argument, that "you can't make a star-reading prophetess out of a +snuffy old woman;" but had he lived to the present day, the Cash +Customer would have taken great pleasure in exhibiting to him +these two apparently irreconcilable characters combined in a +single person, and that person Mrs. Fleury, who pays for the +daily insertion of the following advertisement in the newspapers. + + "ASTROLOGY.--MRS. FLEURY, from Paris, is the most + celebrated lady of the present age, in telling future + events, true and certain. She answers questions on + business, marriage, absent friends, &c., by magnetism. + Office No. 263 Broome-st." + +There is not so much of promise in this paragraph, as there is in +some of the more grandiloquent announcements of the other +witches--not probably, that Madame Fleury is any less pretentious +than they, but her knowledge of the English language is not +perfect enough to enable her to give her ideas their full effect. + +The Cash Customer resolved to visit this "most celebrated lady of +the age," who had come all the way from Paris, to tell his +"future events true and certain," nothing daunted by the +circumstance that she lives in the filthiest part of Broome +Street, which has never been swept clean since it was a very new +Broome indeed. + +If our fancy farmers, who expend so much money upon the various +foreign manures and fertilizing compounds, would but turn their +eyes in the direction of Broome Street, a single glance would +convince them of the inexhaustible resources of their own +country, while guano would instantly depreciate in value, and the +island of Ichaboe not be worth a quarrel. This prolific and +valuable deposit that covers Broome Street bears perennial crops: +in the spring and summer, dirty-faced children and mean-looking +dogs seem to spring from it spontaneously; they are succeeded +during the colder weather by a crop of tumble-down barrels, and +cast-away broken carts; while the humbler and more insignificant +things, the uncared for weeds, so to speak, of the abundant +harvest, such as potato parings, and fish heads, and shreds of +ragged dish-cloths, and bits of broken crockery, and old bones, +are in season all the year round. + +In the midst of this filth, with policy-shops adjacent, and +pawnbrokers' offices close at hand, and rum shops convenient in +the neighborhood--where the reeking streets and stagnant gutters, +and the heaps of decomposing garbage, send up a stench so thick +and heavy that it beslimes everything it touches, and makes a man +feel as if he were far past the saving powers of soap and soft +water, and was fast dissolving into rancid lard oil--in this +congenial atmosphere flourishes the prophetess, and here is found +the mansion of Mrs. Fleury, "the most celebrated lady of the age +in telling future events." Her mansion is not one that would be +selected as a permanent residence by any one with a superabundance +of cash capital, nor did it seem quite suited to the deservings +of the "most celebrated lady of the present age;" the house, a +three-story brick, originally intended to be something above the +common, has been for so many years misused and badly treated by +reckless tenants, that it has completely lost its good temper, as +well as its good looks, and is now in a perpetual state of +aggravated sulkiness. It resents the presence of a stranger as +an impertinent intrusion, and avenges the personality in various +disagreeable ways. It twitches its rickety stairways impatiently +under his feet, as if to shake him off and damage him by the +fall--it viciously attempts to pinch and jam his fingers with +moody dogged doors, which hold back as long as they can, and then +close with a sudden snap, exceedingly dangerous to the unwary--it +tears his clothes with ambushed rusty nails, and unsuspected +hooks, and sharp and jagged splinters--it creaks its floors under +his tread with a doleful whine, and complains of his cruel +treatment in sharp-pointed, many-cornered tears of plaster, which +it drops from the ceiling upon his head the instant he takes his +hat off--it yawns its wide cellar doors open like a greedy mouth, +evidently hoping that an unlucky step will pitch him headlong +down--and it conducts itself in a thousand ill-natured ways like a +sulky child that has been waked up too early in the morning, and +not properly whipped into good behavior. The Individual, however, +entered the doors, unabashed by the malignant scowl which was +visible all over the face of the unamiable mansion, and stumbled +through a narrow, dirty hall, up two flights of groaning stairs, +before he discovered any sign of the whereabouts of Madame. She +evidently did not occupy the entire of this sulky edifice, or he +would have seen some of the servants or retainers, who would have +been only too happy to direct him to the head-quarters of the +sorceress. But the few people he saw about the place seemed to be +each one occupied with his or her own private affairs, and to be +too much taken up therewith to pay the slightest attention to the +new-comer. Their attentions to each other were confined to reproaches, +uncomplimentary assertions, and sundry maledictory remarks, accompanied, +in case of the younger members of the various tribes, with pinches, +pokes, punches, and small but frequent showers of brickbats. + +The Individual disregarded these evidences of good feeling, not +considering himself called upon to reply to any which were not +addressed to him individually, and plodded on till his roving +eye rested on a tin sign, on which was inscribed, "Madame Fleury, +Room No. 4." There were no mysterious emblems or cabalistic +flourishes accompanying this simple announcement. + +He pulled the knob and the door was instantly opened by the lady +herself, so quickly that the bell had no time to ring until all +necessity for it was over--she had evidently heard the advancing +footsteps of her customer, and had stood ready to pounce upon +him. She ushered him into the apartment, where he soon recovered +his self-possession, and took an observation. + +The room was a small square one, shabbily furnished with very few +articles of furniture, and these were dimly visible through the +snuffy mist which filled the apartment; there was snuff +everywhere; there was a snuffy dust on the chairs; there was a +precipitate of snuff on the floor, and, if snuff was capable of +crystallization, there would undoubtedly have been stalactitic +formations of snuff depending from the ceiling; the Madame +herself was snuff-colored, as if she had been boiled in a +decoction of tobacco. + +She is a Frenchwoman, and has had about half a century's +experience of her present fleshly tabernacle, which is somewhat +the worse for wear, although from the fossil remains of bygone +beauty, still visible in her ancient countenance, her customer +inclined to the belief that in some remote age she was comely and +pleasant to the eye. He founded this hypothesis upon the brown +hair and hazel eyes which time has spared. + +In respect to personal cleanliness, the Individual regrets to say +that the Madame was not in every respect what a critical observer +would wish to see; her hands and arms were in a condition which +would naturally lead to the belief that the Croton Corporation +had cut off the water; and under each of her finger-nails was a +dark-colored deposit, which may have been snuff, but looked like +something dirtier. She was dressed in a light striped calico +dress, over which was a black velvet mantle trimmed with fur, +and on her head was a portentous head-dress which was fearfully +and wonderfully made of shabby black lace; her face was in the +same condition as her hands and arms, as was also her neck, which +was only visible to the upper edge of the collar-bone--further +deponent saith not. + +She more nearly approached the Cash Customer's notion of the +Witch of Endor, than any other lady he had ever heard mentioned +in polite society. She at once prepared for business. + +She seated herself behind a small stand, dusty with snuff, on +which were a number of little books on astrology, written in +French and German, and as dirty and as fragrant as if they had +been some kind of clumsy vegetable which had been grown in a +tobacco plantation. + +She asked her visitor if he spoke French or German, to which he +replied that, had he been conversant with all the languages +invented at the Babel smash-up, he would on this occasion, for +particular reasons, prefer to confine himself to English. He also +ventured an inquiry as to terms, upon which she produced a card +containing a list of her charges, printed in English, French, and +German. He learned from this dingy document that the prices of +telling fortunes by lines of the hand, by cards, and by the +stars, varied in amount from one to five dollars. The Individual +concluded that one dollar's worth would suffice, and, approaching +the little table, he announced the result of his cogitations. The +enchantress, who was so saturated with snuff and tobacco that +every time her customer looked her in the face he sneezed, then +brought a pack of very filthy cards, which were covered over with +mysterious hieroglyphics done in black paint. She asked her +visitor to "cut" them, which he reverently though daintily did, +whereupon she laid them on the table before her in four rows, and +spoke, having previously explained that she used no witchcraft +but did all her wonders by the signs of the zodiac. The +Individual concentrated his attention, and listened with all his +ears while the witch of Broome Street spoke thus: + +"I will tell you first what these cards indicate, then I will +look at the lines of your hand, and then I will answer three +questions." + +Here she paused, while her agitated listener sneezed a couple of +times; then she resumed, speaking with a strong foreign accent: + +"You are good disposition--have excellent memory, you don't have +many enemy, but what you do is of your own sex--you are very frank +person and you was born in the sign of the Crab. You have some +lucky days which are Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays, whatever +you do on these days is well, but you shall not wash your hair on +Thursdays, if so, you will wash all your luck away. You must be +very careful of fire and water, you will be in great danger of +fire and water and you must be very careful. You may die by fire +or water, I cannot say but you must certain be very careful of +fire and water. You must also be very careful of dogs, very +careful of dogs, you may die by a dog, but you must certain be +very careful of dogs." + +Here she paused again, and while her visitor was meditating +on the full force of what he had heard, and was inwardly +resolving to go immediately home, shoot Juno, and drown her +as-yet-unoffending-but-in-after-days-dangerous-to-his-peace-of- +mind-and-the-happiness-of-his-life pups, she prepared for the +second portion of her discourse. + +Taking the Individual's hand in hers, a proceeding which made him +feel as if he had put his fingers into a bladder of Maccoboy, she +made the following prediction: "You will be the father of five +children, two of them will be boys, who will be a great comfort +to you when you grow old." + +She spoke no good of the girls, and the customer foresaw feminine +trouble in his household with those same young ladies. Having a +few moments to himself before she resumed, he worked himself into +a great passion with the ungrateful hussies who were about to +treat their kind old father in so scandalous a manner; but +presently recollecting that they were as yet in the condition of +"your sister, Betsey Trotwood, who never was born," he felt that +he was slightly premature in his wrath, so he cooled down and +resolved to make the best of it with his comfortable boys. + +The yellow sorceress continued: "Your line of life is long, and +you will live to a good old age. You have had much trouble in +love affairs, and now your first love is entirely lost to you. +You can never reclaim her, and you must never venture anything in +lotteries." + +Whether Madame Fleury supposed that her visitor intended to spend +his salary in lottery tickets, in the hope of winning back his +early love, or whether she supposed that the woman then +exhibiting herself as "Perham's Gift Lady," was the person, is +not in evidence; but, from the peculiar construction of her last +remark, something of the kind must have been in her thoughts. She +had now reached the third part of her discourse, and come to the +"three questions." She produced an old French Bible, dingy with +age and snuff, and which she informed the observer had been in +her family for three hundred years; an old iron key was tied +between the leaves, with the ring and part of the shank of the +key projecting, and the Bible was tightly bound round with many +folds of black ribbon. Making her visitor hold one side of the +ring of the key, while she held the other, she said: "Ask your +three questions, and if they are to be answered in the affirmative +the book will turn." + +The Individual, who had been much impressed by her canine +observation of a few minutes before, and whose thoughts were +still running upon his pet Juno, and her six innocent offspring, +in a fit of absence of mind propounded this interrogatory: + +"Shall I marry the person of whom I am now thinking?" The potent +enchantress repeated the question aloud in French, and then, with +pale lips and trembling voice, she addressed the book and key +thus: + +"Holy Bible, I ask you, in the name of the Father, the Son, and +the Holy Ghost, will this man marry the person now in his +mind?"--then she closed her eyes for a moment, placed one hand +over her heart, and rapidly muttered something in so low a tone +that it was inaudible to her listener. Immediately the Bible +commenced to turn slowly towards her, and soon had made a +complete revolution, thus expressing a very decided affirmative. + +Having started a matrimonial subject with so satisfactory a +result, her customer thought he could do no better than to follow +it up, and accordingly asked question No. 2: + +"If I marry this person, will the marriage be a happy one?" The +same answer was given, in the same manner. Being now satisfied as +to his own matrimonial prospects, he concluded to ascertain those +of his children, and question No. 3 was asked, as follows: + +"Shall I live to see my children happily married?" + +There was a long delay, which was undoubtedly occasioned by the +difficulty of properly providing for those refractory girls, but +at last there came a reluctant "Yes." + +Having now got all that his dollar entitled him to, the customer +prepared to depart. The Madame informed him that in a few days +she would have her "_Magic Mirror_" from Paris, with which she +could do new wonders, and she hoped that he would soon call +again, adding, "If I was ten year younger I would not admit +gentlemen, but now I am old and I must." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +Describes an interview with the "Cullud" Seer, Mr. Grommer, of +No. 34 North Second Street, Williamsburgh, and what that +respectable Whitewasher and Prophet told his Visitor. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +A BLACK PROPHET, MR. GROMMER, No. 34 NORTH SECOND STREET, +WILLIAMSBURGH. + + +Besides those who advertise in the daily journals, there are many +other witches in and about the city who do not deign so to inform +the world of their miraculous powers. Either they have not full +faith in their own supernatural gifts, or they distrust the +policy of advertising; at any rate they are only known to the +inquiring stranger by accidental rumors, and mysterious +side-whisperings emanating from those credulous ones who have had +ocular proof of the miracle-working facility of these veiled +prophets. + +In certain of the older States of the Union, there cannot +probably be found any country village that does not boast its old +crones of fortune-telling celebrity--women who are not named by +the awe-struck youngsters of the town, but with low breath and a +startled sort of look thrown backward over the shoulder every +minute as if in half-fear that the evil eye is even there upon +them. And in almost every neighborhood in any part of the +country, there will be one or more old women who delight in +mystifying the young folks by telling fortunes in tea-cups, by +means of the ominous settling of the "grounds;"--or who, +sometimes, even "run the cards," or aspire to read the fates by +the portentous turning of the Bible and key. All these conjurations +are given without money and without price in the rural districts, +but they sometimes work no little mischief. + +There people do not advertise their willingness to read the +fates, and only exercise their gifts in that direction as a +matter of friendship to certain favored ones. The city and the +suburbs are full of people of this kind, who profess to know the +gift of prophecy and of miracles, but who do not make their whole +living by the exercise of their supernatural powers, depending +in part on some popular branch of industry. They differ, however, +from their sisters of the country in this regard; whenever they +do consent to do a little magic for the accommodation of an +anxious inquirer, they are very careful to charge him a round +price for it. Many of them combine fortune-telling with hard +work, and do their full day's work of faithful toil at some +legitimate employment, and in the evening amuse themselves with +witchcraft. + +These are chrysalis witches; prophets in embryo; magicians in a +state of apprenticeship; they are learning the trade, and as soon +as they feel competent to do journey-work, they drop their hard +labor, and at once set up for full-fledged witches or conjurors. + +Mr. Grommer, the Black Sage of Williamsburgh, and his solid and +amiable wife, were in this half-way state when they were visited +by the Cash Customer. Their fame had reached his ears by the +means of some kind friends who were cognisant of his peculiar +investigations at that time, and who told him of the supernatural +gifts of this amiable old couple. + +Accordingly the Individual, having made exact inquiries as to +their local habitation, one fine morning set out in pursuit, and +in due time made up the following report. Since that time it is +reported that this worthy pair have followed the law of +progression hereinbefore hinted at, and having arrived at the +fulness of all magical knowledge, have laid aside the whitewash +pail and discarded the scrubbing-brush, and given their time +entirely to the practice of the Black Art. + +The Individual beginneth his discourse thus:-- + +It is an old saying, that "The Devil is never so black as he is +painted." What may be the precise shade of the complexion of his +amiable majesty the Cash Customer has no means of ascertaining to +an exact nicety at this present time of writing; but he makes the +positive assertion, that some of the Satanic human employees are +so black as to need no painting of any description. + +Whether or not the ancient "wise men from the East" were swarthy +skinned he is not competent to decide; but he is able to prove, +by ocular demonstration, to an unbelieving sceptic, that some of +the modern "wise men" are particularly "dark-complected." + +Mrs. Grommer, of No. 34 North Second Street, in the suburb of +Williamsburgh, is a case in point. The fame of this illustrious +ebony lady had gone abroad through the land, and her skill in +prophecy had been vouched for by those who professed to have +personal knowledge of the truthfulness of her predictions. But an +air of mystery surrounded the sable sorceress, and it was +declared to be impossible to obtain a knowledge of her exact +whereabouts, except by a preliminary visit to a certain +mysterious "cave," the locality of which was accurately +described. + +A cave! this promised well; no other witches encountered by the +Cash Customer, had he found in a cave, or in anything resembling +that hollow luxury. + +A cave! the very word smacked of diabolism, and had the true +flavor of genuine witchcraft. Our overjoyed hero thought of the +Witch of Vesuvius in her mountain cavern--of her lank, grey, dead +hair; her livid, corpse-like skin; her stony eye; her shrivelled, +blue lips; her hollow voice, and her threatening arm, and skinny, +menacing forefinger--of the red-eyed fox at her side, the crested +serpent at her feet, the mystic lamp above her head, and the +statue in the background, triple-headed with skulls of dog, and +horse, and boar. Something of this kind he hoped to witness in +the present instance, for he argued that any sorceress who lived +in a cave must surely be supplied with some more cabalistic +instruments with which to work her spells than greasy playing-cards +or rusty brass door-keys. At last, then, he had discovered +something in modern witchcraft worthy the ancient romance of the +name. Triumphant and overjoyed, he prepared for the visit, +confident in his ability to witness any spectacle, however +terrible, without flinching, and in his courage to pass any +ordeal, however fearful. He swallowed no countercharms or +protective potions, and did not even take the precaution to sew +a horse-shoe in the seat of his pantaloons. + +It is true he was rash, but much must be forgiven to youthful +curiosity, especially when conjoined with professional ambition. +The carelessness, in respect to his own safety, was productive of +no ill effects, for he returned from this perilous excursion in +every regard as good as he went. He had by this time entirely +recovered from his matrimonial aspirations, and had given up all +hope of a witch wife. Still, he hoped to find in the _cave_, +something more worthy the ancient and honorable name of +witchcraft than anything he had yet seen. + +Alas! for the uncertainty of mortal hopes. All is vanity, bosh, +and botheration. + +On arriving at the enchanted spot, it soon became evident to the +senses of our astonished friend that the "Cave" was not a cavern, +fit for the habitation of a powerful sorceress, but was merely a +mystifying cognomen applied to a drinking saloon with a billiard +room attached, which had accommodations, also, for persons who +wished to participate in other profane games. + +On entering the "Cave," your deluded customer saw no toothless +hag with the expected witch-like surroundings, but observed only +a company of men, seemingly respectable, indulging in plentiful +potations of beer and certain other liquids, which appeared, at +the distance from which he observed them, to be the popular +compounds designated in the vulgar tongue as "whiskey toddies." +Addressing the nearest bystander, the gulled Individual +ascertained the habitation of Mrs. Grommer, and immediately +departed in search of that interesting female. + +The way was crooked, as all Williamsburgh ways are, but after an +irregular, curvilinear journey of half an hour, the anxious +inquirer stood in front of the looked-for mansion. + +The grading of the street has left at this point a gravel bank +some six or eight feet high, on the summit of which is perched +the house of Mrs. Grommer, like a contented mud-turtle on a sunny +stump. It is a one-story affair, with several irregular wings or +additions sprouting out of it at unexpected angles, and, on the +whole, it looks as if it had been originally built tall and slim +like a tallow candle, but had melted and run down into its +present indescribable shape. The architect neglected to provide +this beautiful edifice with a front door, and the inquirer was +compelled to ascend the bank by a flight of rheumatic steps, and +make a grand detour through currant bushes, chickens, washtubs, +rain-barrels, and colored children, irregular as to size, and +variegated as to hue, to the back, and only door. Here his modest +rap was unanswered, and he composedly walked in, unasked, through +the kitchen, and took a seat in the parlor, where he was +presently discovered by the lady of the house, but not until he +had time to take an accurate observation. + +Mrs. Grommer had, up to this time, been engaged in making a +public example of certain ones of her grandchildren, who had been +trespassing on the currant bushes of a neighbor, and had been +caught in the act. Their indulgent grandmother, being scandalized +by this exhibition of youthful depravity, with a regard for the +demands of strict justice that did her infinite credit, had +inflicted on several of the delinquents that mild punishment +known as "spanking." The novelty of the sight had drawn together +quite a collection of the neighbors, who signified their approval +of the deed by encouraging cheers. + +Meantime the Individual had ample time to contemplate the inside +beauties of the mansion of the sable prophet. Mrs. Grommer soon +finished her athletic exercise out-doors, and came into the house +to rearrange her dress and receive her company. + +The reception-room was about 10 by 12, and so low that a tall man +could not yawn in it without rapping his head against the +ceiling. In places the plaster had been displaced and the bare +lath showed through, reminding one of skeletons. The floor was +dingily carpeted; a double bed occupied one side of the room, a +small cooking-stove stood in the middle of the floor and had a +disproportionately slim pipe issuing out of the corner, like a +straw in a mint-julep; seven chairs of varied patterns, a small +round table, on which lay a pack of cards covered with a cloth, +and a tumble-down chest of drawers completed the necessary +furniture of the apartment. The ornaments are quickly enumerated. +A black wooden cross hung by the windows, a few cheap and gaudy +Scriptural prints were fastened against the wall, a chemist's +bottle, of large dimensions, and filled with a blue liquid, +reposed on the chest of drawers, side by side with a few +miniature casts of lambs and dogs; and on a little shelf stood a +quarter-size plaster bust of some unknown worthy, of which the +head had been knocked off and its place significantly supplied +with a goose-egg. + +In a short time Mrs. Grommer emerged from an unlooked-for apartment +and entered the room. She is a negress and a grandmother--her age is +65, and a brood of children, together with a swarm of the +aforesaid grandchildren, reside near at hand and keep the old +lady's mansion constantly besieged. + +As to size--she is large, apparently solid, and would struggle +severely with a 200 pound weight before she would acknowledge +herself conquered. She was neatly attired, and, in fact, a most +grateful air of cleanliness pervaded the entire establishment, +and it was a refreshing contrast to most of the dens of the +fairer-skinned witches heretofore encountered by the cash +delegate. + +The sable one entered into conversation, and a few minutes were +passed in cheerful chat, in the course of which she thus referred +to the scapegrace husband of one of her numerous daughters: "They +think Anson is dead, but I can't station him dead. I think he's +at sea somewhere, or in a foreign land, but I can't station him +dead. He might as well be under ground for all the good he is, +for he is such a poor, mis'able, drinkin' feller that he aint no +use, but, after all, I can't run him dead." + +At last, the object of the visit was mentioned, and, to the +individual's great surprise, Mrs. Grommer positively and +peremptorily refused to give him the benefit of her prophetic +powers. + +She said: "It aint no use; I never does for gentlemen. I does +sometimes for ladies, but I can't do it for gentlemen." +Remonstrance and entreaty were alike useless; she was immovable. +At last, she said she would call her "old man," who could tell +fortunes as well as she could, but she added, with a determined +shake of the head: "He'll do it, but he will charge you a dollar; +and he wont do it under, neither." When her hearer expressed his +willingness to learn his future fate by the masculine medium, she +addressed him thus: "You station there, in that chair, and I'll +send him." The disappointed one "stationed" in the designated +chair, and awaited the coming of the "old man." He soon appeared +and seated himself, ready to begin. + +"Old Man" Grommer is a professor of the whitewashing branch of +decorative art. He occasionally relaxes his noble mind from the +arduous mental labor attendant upon the successful carrying on of +his regular business, and condescends to earn an easy dollar by +fortune-telling. He is a shrewd-looking old man, with a dash of +white blood in his composition; his hair curls tightly all over +his head, but is elaborated on each side of his face into a +single hard-twisted ringlet; short crisped whiskers, streaked +with grey, encircle his face, and an imperial completes his +hirsute attractions; his cheeks and forehead are marked with the +small-pox. + +He was attired in a grey and striped dress, the peculiarity of +which was that the coat and vest were bound with wide stripes of +black velvet. He speaks with but little of the peculiar negro +dialect, except when he forgets himself for an instant, and +unguardedly relapses into the old habits, which he has evidently +carefully endeavored to overcome. He looked at his visitor very +sharply for a minute or two, while he pretended to be abstractedly +shuffling the cards; and collecting his valuable thoughts, at +last he remarked: + +"I s'pose you want me to run the cards for you?" The reply was in +the affirmative, and the colored prophet concentrated his mind +and began. Slowly he dealt the cards, and spake as follows: + +"You don't believe in fortunes, my son--I see that. Must tell you +what I see here--can't help it--if I see it in the cards, must tell +you. You've had great deal trouble, my son; more comin'. Can't +help it; mus' tell you. I see trouble in de cards; I see razackly +what it is." + +Here he suddenly stopped, and resuming his guarded manner, +continued: "You've lost something, my son; something that you +think a great deal of. Now I don't like to tell about lost +things; I'se 'fraid I'll get myself into a snare; I'd rather not +say nothing about it; fear I'll get myself into trouble." His +auditor here gave him the most positive assurances that he should +never be called into court to identify the thief of the missing +article, and that he should be held free from all harm; whereupon +he consented to impart the following information: + +"Dis thing you lost is something that hangs up on a +nail--something bright and round--you thinks a great deal of it, my +son--when it went away it had on a bright guard--hasn't got a +bright guard on now; got a black guard--you see I knows all about +de article, my son, and I can tell you razackly where de article +is--but I'se rather not tell you 'bout it, my son; 'fraid I'll run +myself into a snare; dat's the truth, my son, rather no say +nothin' 'bout de article." + +Being again assured of safety, he went on: "Well, my son, I'll +tell you 'bout this yer thing. Has you got any boys in yer +employ? No. Got two girls have you? One of dem girls is +light-haired and de other is dark--the light one is de one who +comes in your room in your boarding-house every morning when +you'se gone away--'cause you lives in a boardin' house, I sees +that--can see it in the cards, can always tell razackly. If you +make a fuss about dat article you make your landlady feel bad. +You has accused somebody of taking that article, but you 'cused +de wrong person. The light-haired girl is who's got that article. +Can't help it, my son, must tell you--de light-haired girl is de +person. Mebbe she's put it back, my son, I'll see." + +Here he cut the cards carefully, and continued: + +"There's trouble 'bout dat article, my son, can't help it, must +tell you--but you'll get the article, but you'll have disappointment. +Whenever you see dat card you may know there's disappointment +comin'--dat card is always disappointment--can't help it, my son, +must tell you." Here he exhibited the nine of spades, to the +malignant influence of which he attributed the future woes of his +hearer. + +"When you go home look in your bed between the mattresses and see +if the article is there, for mebbe she'll put it back--if it aint +there you must go to her and 'cuse her of it, 'cause it's in the +house and she's got it--can't help it, my son, must tell you." + +It is perhaps needless to say that the customer had met with no +loss of property, and that all this was entirely gratuitous on +the part of Mr. Grommer. Having, however, settled the matter to +his satisfaction, that gentleman turned his attention to other +things, and in the intervals of repeated shufflings and cuttings +of the cards he said: + +"Dere is a journey for you soon--and dis journey is going to be +the best thing that ever happened to you--but dere is a little +disappointment first--can't help it, my son, must tell--here you +can see for yourself," and out came the malicious nine of spades +again. "You will get money from beyond sea, my son--lots of money, +lots of money, my son--here it is, you can see for yourself," and +he exhibited the cheerful faces of the eight, nine, and ten of +diamonds. "You will have disappointment before you get this +money," and up came the hateful visage of the nine of spades once +more. "You was born under a good star, my son--under a morning +star--you was born under the planet Jupiter, my son, at 28 minutes +past four in the morning--lucky star, my son, very lucky star. You +are going to make a great change in your business, my son, which +will be good; you will always be successful in business, but I +think there is a little disappointment first; can't help it, must +tell you." Here the listener looked for the nine of spades again, +but it didn't come. "After a little while you turns your back on +trouble; here, you can see for yourself--see, this is you." + +The king of clubs was the Individual at that instant, and the +troubles upon which he turned his back are, as nearly as he can +remember, the knave of clubs, the nine of spades, and the deuce +of diamonds. + +The sage went on. "I'm comin' now to your marriage. You'se goin' +to be married, but you'll have some disappointment first--can't +help it, my son, must tell you. You see, here is a dark-complected +lady that you like, and she has a heart for you, but her father +don't like you--he prefers a young man of lighter complexion--see, +here you all are, my son. This is you," and he showed the king of +clubs--"and this is her." The "her" of whom he spoke so irreverently, +was the queen of clubs. "This is the heart she has for you," and +he exhibited the seven of that amorous suit. "This is her +father"--the obstinate and cruel "parient" here displayed, was the +king of spades--"and dis yer is de young man her father likes," +and he placed before the eyes of the customer a hated rival in +the shape of the knave of diamonds. "You see how it is, my son, +dere is trouble between you--can't help it. You may possibly marry +de dark-complected lady yet, but don't you do it, my son, don't +you do it--now mind I tell you, don't you do it--she is not the +lady for you--can't help it, must tell you; if you marry dat lady +you will be sorry dat you ever tie de knot. See, here is the +knot," and he showed the ace of diamonds. "See, this is the lady +you ought to marry," and he produced the queen of diamonds; "and +she will be your second wife if you do marry de dark-complected +lady, but you'd better marry her first if you can get her, and +let de dark-complected lady go for ebber; dat's so, my son, now +mind I tell you." + +He condescended no more, and the Cash Customer disbursed his +dollar and departed, all the grandchildren gathering on the bank +to give him three cheers as a parting salute. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +How the "Individual" calls on Madame Clifton, of No. 185 Orchard +Street, and how that amiable and gifted "Seventh daughter of a +seventh daughter," prophesies his speedy death and destruction, +together with all about the "Chinese Ruling Planet Charm." + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +MADAME CLIFTON, 185 ORCHARD STREET. + + +Perhaps there is no class of men brought constantly and +prominently before the public eye, that is so great a puzzle to +that public, as the class popularly denominated "sporting men." +There is not a corner on Broadway where they do not congregate; +there is not a theatre where they do not abound, and there is not +a concert-room that does not overrun with them. There is a +uniformity in their appearance that makes them easily recognised, +for they all affect the ultra stylish in costume, even to the +extreme of light kid gloves in the street; they all have the +crisp moustache, the smooth-shaven cheeks, and the same keen, +ever-watchful eye, constantly on the look-out for a "customer," +that respectable word meaning, in their slang, a person to be +victimized and swindled. Every lady who walks the street has to +run the gauntlet of their insolent glances, and not unfrequently +to hear their vulgar and offensive criticisms on her personal +appearance; and every gentleman whose business calls him into +Broadway of a pleasant day, has seen these persons grouped on the +corner leisurely surveying the passers-by, or gathered into a +little knot before some favorite rum-shop, discussing what is, to +them, the absorbing topic of the day--probably the "good strike" +Blobbsby made, "fighting the tiger," the night before; the "heavy +run" a favorite billiard-player made on a certain occasion, or +the respective chances of success of the two distinguished +gentlemen who may chance at that time to be in training with a +view of battering each other's heads until one concedes his claim +to the brutal "honors" of the prize ring. + +No gentlemen of fashion and fortune are more expensively dressed +than these men; no class of people wear more finely stitched and +embroidered linen, more costly broadcloth, more showy golden +ornaments, or more brilliant diamonds; but for all, the man is +yet to be found who has ever seen one of them put his hand or his +brain to one single hour's honest work. Unsophisticated persons +are often puzzled to account for the apparently irreconcilable +circumstances of no work, and plenty of money, and in their +endeavors to invent a plausible hypothesis on the basis of +honesty, must ever be bewildered. The city man knows them at a +glance to be "sporting men." + +This phrase is a particularly comprehensive one; the "sporting +man" is a gambler by profession, and therefore a swindler by +necessity, for an "honest gambler" would fill a niche in the +scale of created beings that has never yet been occupied; in +addition to this, nearly every sporting man is a thief whenever +opportunity offers. They probably would not pick a sober man's +pocket, or knock him down at night and take his watch and money, +for the risk of detection would be too great; but they are kept +from downright stealing by no excess of virtue. + +These remarks apply to the "sporting men," by profession--to those +plausible gallows-birds who have no other ostensible means of +getting a living. There are many men who sometimes spend an hour +or two at a faro table, or who occasionally pass an evening in +gambling at some other game, who do all fairly, and are above all +suspicion of foul play; these persons are of course plundered by +sharpers who surround them, and are called "good fellows" because +they submit to their losses without grumbling. + +The "sporting men" all have mistresses, on whom they sometimes +rely for funds whenever an "unlucky hit," or a "bad streak of +luck," has run their own purses low. + +It is not part of the present purpose of this book to give +particulars as to who and what their mistresses are, further than +to state that at least one or two of the "Witches" described +herein, officiate in that capacity. It is true, that the most of +them are not of a style to tempt the lust of any man, but there +are certain exceptions to the general rule, and in one or two +instances the "Individual" found the fortune-teller to be comely +and pleasant to the eye. As these women generally have plenty of +money, they are very eligible partners for gamblers, who are +liable to as many reverses as ever Mr. Micawber encountered, and +who, when once down, might remain perpetually floored, did not +some kind friend set them on their financial feet again. + +And this is one of the duties of the monied mistress. When the +"sporting man" is in funds, no one is more recklessly extravagant +than he, and no one cuts a greater dash than his "ladye-love," if +he chooses so to do; but when the cards run cross, and the purse +is empty, it devolves upon her to furnish the capital to start in +the world again. + +The fact is well known to those who have taken the trouble to +inquire into the subject, that several of the more fashionable +fortune-tellers of the city sustain this sort of illicit relation +to certain "sporting men," whose faces a man may see, perhaps, +half a dozen times in the course of a lounge up and down +Broadway of a pleasant afternoon. + +Madame Clifton is, on the whole, a comely woman, and does a good +business, but of course no sane person will think of applying +these remarks personally to that respected matron. + +The "Individual" paid a lengthened visit to Madame Clifton, and +his remarks are recorded below. Because he met a sleek, +close-shaved, finely moustached gentleman coming away from the +door, he was of course not justified in believing that the said +gentleman belonged to the establishment. Of course not. + +The female professors of the black art hitherto visited by the +Cash Customer, had not impressed him with a profound belief in +their supernatural powers; he was "anxious," and was "awakened to +inquiry," but he still had doubts, and there was great danger of +his backsliding if there wasn't something immediately done for +him. + +He had been greatly disappointed by the absence from the +domiciles of these good ladies of all the traditional necromantic +implements and tools. His disposition to adhere to the modern +witch-faith would have been greatly strengthened by the sight of +a skull and cross-bones; a tame snake, or a little devil in a +bottle, would have fixed his wavering belief; and his conversion +would have been thoroughly assured by the timely exhibition of a +broomstick on which he could see the saddle-marks. + +None of these things had as yet been forthcoming, and the anxious +inquirer, mourning the departure of all the romance of the art of +witchcraft, was fast sinking into a state of incurable scepticism +on the subject of even its utility, in the degenerate hands of +modern practitioners. Hope had not, however, entirely deserted +his heart, but still retained her fabled position in the bottom +of his chest, near that important viscus, and he, therefore, +courageously continued his pursuit of witchcraft under difficulties. + +His next visit was to Orchard street, and he was induced to +expect favorable results by the encouraging and positive +assertion which concludes the subjoined advertisement, that +"Madame Clifton is no humbug:" + + "AN ASTROLOGIST THAT BEATS THE WORLD, and $5,000 reward + is offered to pay any person who can surpass her in + giving correct statements on past, present, and future + events, particularly absent friends, losses, lawsuits, + &c. She also gives lucky numbers. She surpasses any + person that has ever visited our city. She is also + making great cures. All persons who are afflicted with + consumption, liver complaint, scrofula, rheumatism, or + any other lingering disease, would do well to call and + see this wonderful and natural gifted lady, and you + will not go away dissatisfied. N.B.--Madame Clifton is + no humbug. Call and satisfy yourselves. Residence No. + 185 Orchard-st., between Houston and Stanton." + +Although Orchard Street is by no means so objectionable a +thoroughfare as human ingenuity might make it, still, in spite of +its pleasant-sounding name, it is not altogether a vernal +paradise. If there ever was any fitness in the name it must have +been many years ago, and the ancient orchard bears now no fruit, +but low brick houses of assorted sizes and colors, seedy, and, +in appearance, semi-respectable. Occasionally a blacksmith's +shop, a paint room, or a livery stable, lower or meaner and more +contracted than their neighbors, look as if they never got ripe, +but had shrivelled and dropped off before their time. + +The street is in a state of perennial bloom with half-built +dwellings like gaudy scarlet blossoms, which are ripened into +tenements by the fostering care of masons and carpenters with the +most industrious forcing; and buds of buildings are scattered in +every direction, in the shape of mortar-beds and piles of brick +and lumber, waiting the due time for their architectural +sprouting. + +The house of Madame Clifton is of moderate growth, being but two +stories high; it has a red brick front and green window-blinds, +and is so ingeniously grafted to its nearest neighbor that some +little care is necessary to determine which is the parent stock. +It presents a fair outside, is but little damaged by age or +weather, and is seemingly in a state of good repair. + +A neat-looking colored girl answered the bell, and, showing our +reporter into the parlor, asked his business, and if he "knew +Madame Clifton's terms?" + +Now when it is understood that fortune-telling is by no means the +only, or the most lucrative part of Madame Clifton's business, it +will be perceived that this inquiry had a peculiar significance. +Having the fear of libel suits before his eyes, the Individual +cannot state in precise and plain terms the exact nature of the +business which the colored girl evidently thought had brought him +there; he will content himself with delicately insinuating, that +if his errand had been of the nature insinuated by that female +delegate from Africa, there would have been a "lady in the case." + +Fortunately the Cash Customer had erred not thus, but he made +known to the colored lady his simple business. + +Learning that he only wanted to have his fortune told by the +Madame, and had no occasion to test her skill in the more +expensive departments of her profession, the girl appeared to be +satisfied of the responsibility of her visitor for that limited +amount, and departed to inform her mistress. + +The customer took an observation. + +The room was a neatly-furnished parlor, a little flashy perhaps +in the article of mirrors, but the sofas, chairs, carpet, &c., +were plain and not offensive to good taste. A piano was in the +room, but it was closed, and its tone and quality are unknown. +One curious article, for a parlor ornament, stood in the corner +of the room; it was the huge sign-board of a perfumery store, and +bore in large letters the name of a dealer in sweet-scented +merchandise, blazoned thereon in all the finery of Dutch metal +and bronze. This conspicuous article, though mysterious and +unaccountable, was not cabalistic, and savored not of witchcraft. + +Presently the quiet colored girl returned, and in a low voice, +and with a subdued well-trained manner, invited her visitor to +follow her; meekly obeying, he was led up two flights of +respectable stairs into a room wherein there was nothing +mysterious, nor was there anything particularly suggestive +except a large glass case filled with a stock of perfumery. What +was the propriety of so very many bottles filled with perfumes +and medicines did not at first appear; but the assortment of +imprisoned odors, and liquid drugs, and the store-sign down +stairs, and Madame Clifton, and a certain perfumery store in +Broadway, and the proprietor thereof, so tangled themselves +together in the brain of the inquirer that he has never since +that time been able to disconnect one from the other. + +Upon a small stand were two packs of cards--the one an ordinary +playing pack, and the other what are known sometimes as +fortune-telling cards. The devices on these latter differed +materially from those in ordinary use; there were no plain cards; +every one was ornamented with some kind of a significant design; +there were pictures of women, of men, of ships and raging seas, +of hearses, and sickbeds, and shrouds, and coffins, and corpses, +and graves, and tombstones, and similar cheerful objects; then +there were squares, and circles, and hands with scales, and +hands with daggers, and hands sticking through clouds, and purses +of money, and carriages, and moons, and suns, and serpents, and +hearts, and Cupids, and eyes, and rays of light coming from +nowhere, and shining on nothing, and Herculeses with big clubs, +and big arms, bigger than the clubs, and big legs, bigger than +both together, and swords, and spears, and sundials, and many +other designs equally intelligible and portentous. + +Soon the Madame appeared, and the attention of the Individual was +immediately diverted from surrounding objects and riveted on the +incomprehensible woman who was "no humbug," and who, according to +her own opinion of herself, would have exactly realized Mr. Edmund +Sparkler's idea of a "dem'd fine woman, with nobigodnonsense about her." + +On the first glance, Madame Clifton is what would be called +"fine-looking," but she does not analyse well. She is of medium +height, aged about thirty-five years, with very light, piercing +blue eyes, and very black hair, one little lock of which is +precisely twisted into a very elaborate little curl, which rests +in the middle of her forehead between her eyes, as if to keep +those quarrelsome orbs apart. Her eyebrows are unusually heavy, +so much so as to give a curious menacing look to the upper part +of her face, which disagreeable expression is intensified by the +extreme paleness of her countenance. + +Her dress was unassuming, neat, and tasteful, save in the one +article of jewelry, of which she wore as much as if the stock in +trade at the Broadway perfumery store had been pearls, and gold, +and diamonds, instead of perfumes and essences. Her deportment +was self-possessed and lady-like, that is, if an expression of +tireless watchfulness and unsleeping suspicion are consistent +with refined and easy manners. She never took her steel-blue eyes +from her visitor's face; she did not for an instant relax her +confident smile; she did not speak but in the lowest softest +tones; but her auditor felt every instant more convinced that the +voice was the falsest voice he ever heard, the smile the falsest +smile he ever saw, and that the cold piercing eye alone was +true, and that was only true because no art could conceal its +calculating glitter. + +If one could imagine a smiling cat, Madame Clifton would resemble +that cat more than any one thing in the world. Neat and precise +in her outward appearance; not a fold of her garments, not a +thread of lace or ribbon, not a hair of her head, but was exactly +smooth and orderly, and in its exact place; not a glance of her +eye that was not watchful and suspicious; not a tone or word that +was not treacherous in sound; not a movement of body or of limb +that was not soft and stealthy; her feline resemblances developed +themselves more and more every instant, until at last the +Individual came to regard her as some kind of dangerous animal in +a state of temporary and perfidious repose. And this impression +deepened every instant, so much so, that when the small soft hand +was laid in his, he almost expected to see the sharp claws +unsheathe themselves from the velvet finger-tips and fasten in +his flesh. + +The language she used, when freed from the technical phrases of +her trade, was good enough for every day, and she did not +distinguish herself by any specialty of bad English. + +She asked her customer, with her most insinuating smile, if he +would have her "run the cards for him," and on receiving an +affirmative answer she took the pack of playing cards into her +velvet hands, pawed them dexterously over a few times to shuffle +them, laid them in three rows with the faces upward, and softly +purred the following words: + +"I am uncertain whether to run you a club or a diamond, for I do +not exactly see how it is; but I will run you a club first, and +if you find that it does not tell your past history, please to +mention the fact to me, and I will then run you a diamond." + +She then proceeded to mention a number of fictitious events which +she asserted had happened in the past life of her listener, but +that individual, who did not find that her revelations agreed +with his own knowledge of his former history, tremblingly +informed her of that fact; and she then, with a most vicious +contraction of the overhanging eyebrows, broke short the thread +of her fanciful story, and proceeded to "run him a diamond." + +She evidently was determined to make the diamond come nearer the +truth--to which end she dexterously strove by a series of very +sharp cross-questionings to elicit some circumstance of his early +history, on which she might enlarge, or to get some clue to his +present circumstances, and hopes, and aspirations, that she might +find some peg on which to hang a prediction with an appearance of +probability. The Individual--with humiliation he confesses it--was +a bachelor. His heart had proved unsusceptible, and Cupid had hitherto +failed to hit him. On this occasion he proved characteristically +unimpressible; and the insinuating smile, the inquiring look, and +the winning manner, all failed of effect, and he remained +pertinaciously non-committal. + +Finding this to be the case, the feline Madame changed her +tactics, and, as if to spite her intractable customer, began to +prophesy innumerable ills and evils for him. She apparently +strove to mitigate, in some degree, the sting of her predictions +by an increased softness of manner, which was only a more +cat-like demeanor than ever. She spoke as follows--the cold eye +growing more cruel, and the wicked smile more treacherous every +instant. First, however, came this guileful question, which was +but a declaration of war under a flag of truce: + +"You do not want me to flatter you, do you? You want me to tell +you exactly what I see in the cards, do you not?" The customer +stated that he was able to bear at least the recital of his +future adversity, even if, when the reality came, he should be +utterly smashed; whereupon she proceeded: + +"I see here a great disappointment; you will be disappointed in +business, and the disappointment will be very bitter and hard to +bear--but that is not all, nor the worst, by any means. I see a +burial--it may be only a death of one of your dearest friends, or +some near relative, such as your sister, but I see that you +yourself are weak in the chest and lungs; you are impulsive, +proud, ambitious, and quick-tempered, which last quality tends +much to aggravate any diseases of the chest, and I fear that the +burial may be your own. Your disease is serious, you cannot live +long, I think--I do not think you will live a year--in fact, there +is the strongest probability that you will die before nine +months. I think you will certainly die before nine months, but if +you survive, it will only be after a most severe and painful +illness, in the course of which you will undergo the extreme of +human suffering. I see that you love a light-complexioned lady, +but her friends object to her marriage with you, and are doing +all they can to prevent it. A dark-complexioned man is trying to +get her away from you; you must beware of him or he will do you +great injury, for he has both the will and the power; he has +already deceived and injured you, and will do so again even more +deeply than he has yet. I see a journey, trouble, and misfortune, +grief, sorrow, heavy loss, and heaviness of heart. I again tell +you that you will die before nine months; but if you chance to +survive, it will only be to encounter perpetual crosses and +misfortunes. I might, if I was disposed to flatter you and give +you false hopes, tell you that you will be lucky, fortunate in +business, that you will get the lady, and I might promise you all +sorts of good luck, but I don't want to flatter you; it would be +much more agreeable to me to tell you a good life, for it +sometimes pains me more than I can tell you to read bad lives to +people, and I feel it very deeply; but I assure you that I never +saw anybody's cards run as badly as do yours--I never saw so many +losses and crosses, and so much trouble and misfortune in +anybody's cards in my whole life--even if you outlive the nine +months you will have the greatest trouble in getting the lady, +and will always have bad luck." + +She then tried by means of the cards to spell out the Inquirer's +name, but failed utterly, not getting a single letter right; then +she recommenced and threatened him with so much bad luck that he +began almost to fear that he would break his leg before he rose +from his chair, or would instantly fall down in a fit and be +carried off to die at the Hospital. She told him that his lucky +days were the 1st, 5th, 17th, 27th, and 29th of every month. Then +perceiving that his feelings were deeply moved by the intractability +of the "cruel parients" of the light-complexioned lady, and the +black look of things generally, she slightly relented, and went +on to say: + +"If you will put your trust in me, and take my advice as a +friend, I can sell you something that will surely secure you the +lady, and thwart all your enemies--it is not for my interest that +I tell you this, for upon my honor I make only five shillings +upon fifty dollars' worth--it is no trick, but it is a charm which +you must wear about you, and which you must wish over about the +girl at stated times, and it will be sure to have the desired +effect." + +The customer asked the price of this wonderful charm. + +"It is from five to fifty dollars, but as you are so +extraordinarily unlucky I would advise you to take the full +charm. It is the _Chinese Ruling Planet Charm_, and I import it +from China at great expense. You must wear it about you, and +every time you use it you must do it in the name of God; so you +see there can be no demon about it. By means of this charm I have +brought together husbands and wives who have been apart for three +years, and I say a woman who can do that is doing good, and there +is no demon about her. While you wear it you will not die or meet +with bad luck, but it will change the whole current of your +life." + +She then told her unlucky hearer to make a wish and she would +tell him by the cards whether he could have it or not. The answer +was in the negative, and it was evident that nothing but the +_Chinese Ruling Planet Charm_ would save him, and no less than +$50 worth of that. So the smiling Madame returned to the charge. +"If you will take my advice as a friend, take the charm; it is +for your sake only that I say this, for I make nothing by it--but +I feel an interest in you, and I wish you would buy the charm for +my sake as well as your own, for I want to see its effect on a +fortune so bad as yours. If you don't buy it, and all kinds of +ill-fortune befalls you, don't say I didn't warn you, and don't +call Madame Clifton a humbug; but if you do buy it, you may be +sure that you will ever bless the day you saw Madame Clifton." + +It is, perhaps, needless to state that the Individual didn't have +with him the fifty dollars to pay for the charm, but intimated +that he would call again, after he got his year's salary. + +She then said: "If you happen to call when I am engaged, tell the +girl to say that you want to see me about _medicine_, and I will +see you, for I never put off anybody who wants _medicine_, no +matter who is with me, say _medicine_, and I will see you +instantly." Here she softly showed her visitor to the door, and +smiled on him until he stood on the outside steps. He then +departed, secretly wondering what kind of "medicine" she was +prepared to furnish in case any unlooked for occasion should +suggest a second call. Her last remark suggested that Madame +Clifton derives a larger profit from the peculiar kinds of +"_medicine_" she deals in, than from all her other witchery. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +Details the particulars of a morning call on Madame Harris, of +No. 80 West 19th Street, and how she covered up her beautiful +head in a black bag. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +MADAME HARRIS, No. 80 WEST 19TH STREET, NEAR SIXTH AVENUE. + + +Madame Harris is one of the most ignorant and filthy of all the +witches of New York. She does not depend entirely on her +"astrology" for her subsistence, but relies on it merely to bring +in a few dollars in the spare hours not occupied in the practice +of the other dirty trades by which she picks up a dishonest +living. She has a good many customers, and in one way and another +she contrives to get a good deal of money from the gullible +public. She has been engaged in business a number of years, and +has thriven much better than she probably would, had she been +employed in an honester avocation. + +The "Individual" paid her a visit, and carefully noted down all +her valuable communications; he has told the whole story in the +words following: + +We all believe in Aladdin, and have as much faith in his uncle as +in our own; but we don't know the pattern of his lamp, we have no +photograph of the genii that obeyed it, and we can make no +correct computation of the market value of the two hundred slaves +with jars of jewels on their heads. The customer, who is +determined that posterity shall be able to make no such complaint +of him or of his history, here solemnly undertakes, upon the +faith of his salary, to relate the unadorned truth, and to +indulge in no _ad libitum_ variations--imagining, while he writes, +that he sees in the distance the critical public, like a +many-headed Gradgrind, singing out lustily for "Facts, sir, +facts." + +The next fact, then, to be investigated and sworn to, is this +Madame Harris, a very dirty female fact indeed, residing in the +upper part of the city, and advertising as follows: + + "MADAME HARRIS.--This mysterious Lady is a wonder to + all--her predictions are so true. She can tell all the + events of life. Office, No. 80 West 19th-st., near + 6th-av. Hours 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Ladies 25 cts.; + Gentlemen 50 cts. She causes speedy marriages; charge + extra." + +Wearily the inquirer plodded his way on foot to West 19th Street, +fearing to trust himself to a stage or car, lest the careless +conversation of the unthinking, and the reprehensible jocularity +of the little boys who hang about the corners of the streets +which intersect the Sixth Avenue, and pelt unwary passengers with +paving-stones, should divert his mind from the importance and +great moral responsibility of his mission. + +After encountering a large assortment of the dangers and +discomforts incident to pedestrianism in New York in muddy +weather, he achieved West 19th street, and stood in sight of the +mysterious domicile of Madame Harris. + +It is a tenement house, shabby-genteel even in its first +pretentious newness; but it has now lost its former appearance +even of semi-respectability, and has degenerated to a state of +dirt only conceivable by those unhappy families who live two in a +house, and are in a constant state of pot-and-kettle war, and of +mutual refusing to clean out the common hall. + +A little mountain of potato skins, and bones, and other kitchen +refuse, round which he was forced to make a detour, plainly said +to the traveller that the population of the house No. 80 were in +the habit of depositing garbage in the gutters, under cover of +the night, and in violation of the city ordinance. A highly-perfumed +atmosphere surrounds this delightful abode, for the first floor +thereof is occupied as a livery stable, which constantly exhales +those sweet and pungent odors peculiar to equine habitations. + +Pulling the sticky bell-handle with as dainty a touch as +possible, the Individual was admitted by a slatternly weak-eyed +girl of about eighteen, with her hair and dress as tumbled as +though she had just been run through a corn-shelling machine, and +who was so unnecessarily dirty that even her face had not been +washed. She was further distinguished by a wart on her nose of +such shape and dimensions that it gave her face the appearance of +being fortified by a many-sided fort, which commanded the whole +countenance. + +This interesting young female welcomed her visitor with a clammy +"Come in," and led the way up stairs, he following, in due dread +of being for ever extinguished by an avalanche of unwashed +keelers and kettles, which were unsteadily piled up on the +landing, and which an incautious touch would have toppled over, +and deluged the stairs with unknown sweet-smelling compounds, +whose legitimate destination was the sewer. On the second floor, +directly, judging from the noise, over the stall of the balkiest +horse in the stable below, is the room of the Madame. + +The customer took an observation: + +The furnishings of the apartment showed an attempt to keep up a +show, which was by far too miserably transparent to hide the +slovenliness which peeped out everywhere through the tawdry +gilding. There were so many oil paintings on the walls, in such +gaudy frames, that it seemed as if the room had been dipped into +a bath of cheap auction pictures, and hadn't been wiped dry, or +had been out in a shower of them, and hadn't come in until it had +got very wet. A broad gilt window cornice stood leaning in the +corner of the room, instead of being in its legitimate place; a +pair of lace curtains were wadded up and thrown in a chair, while +the windows were covered with the commonest painted muslin +shades; a piano-stool stood in the middle of the room, but there +was no piano. + +These were the indications of "better days;" these were the +shallow traps set to inveigle the beholder into a belief in the +opulence of the occupants of this charming residence. + +But the little cooking-stove, on which two smoothing irons were +heating, the scraps of different patterned carpets which hid the +floor, and made it appear as if covered with some kind of +variegated woollen chowder, the second-hand, conciliating +please-buy-me look of the three chairs, and the dirt and greasy +grime which gave a character to the place, told at once the true +state of facts. + +On one side of the room was a little door, evidently +communicating with a closet or small bedroom; on this door was a +slip of tin, on which was painted + + +------------------------------------+ + | | + | Office.--Madam Harris, Astrologist. | + | | + +------------------------------------+ + +and into this "office" the weak-eyed girl disappeared, with a +shame-faced look, as if she had tried to steal her visitor's +pocket-book, and hadn't succeeded. Presently there came from the +closet a sound of half-suppressed merriment, as if a constant +succession of laughs were born there, full grown and boisterous, +but were instantly garroted by some unknown power, until each one +expired in a kind of choky giggle. There was also a noise of the +making of a bed, the hustling of chairs, the putting away of +toilet articles out of sight, and over all was heard the chiding +voice of Madame Harris, who was evidently dressing herself, +superintending these other various operations, and scolding the +weak-eyed maiden all at once. + +At last this latter individual got so far the better of her +jocularity that she was able to deport herself with outward +seriousness when she emerged from the mysterious closet, and said +to the Individual, "Walk in." At this time she was under so great +a head of laugh that she would inevitably have exploded, had she +not, the instant her visitor turned his back, let go her +safety-valve, and relieved herself by a guffaw which would have +been an honor and a credit to any one of the horses on the first +floor. + +The room in which Madame Harris was waiting to receive her +customer was so dark that he stumbled over a chair, and fell +across a bed before he could see where he was. Then he recovered +himself, and took an observation. + +The room was a very small one--so diminutive, indeed, that the +bed, which occupied one side of it, reduced the available space +more than two-thirds. It was partitioned off from the rest of +the room by a dirty patch-work bed-quilt, with more holes than +patches. The walls were scrawled over with pencil-marks, +evidently drawings made by young children, who had the usual +childish notions of proportion and perspective; and on one side +of the wall, near the head of the bed, a bit of pasteboard +persisted in this startling announcement-- + + +----------------+ + | tE_R_ms C_a_sH | + +----------------+ + +A narrow strip of rag carpet was on the floor; a small stand and +a chair completed the furnishing of the room, and a single smoky +pewter lamp exhausted itself in a dismal combat with the gloom, +which constantly got the better of it. + +When the Cash Inquirer stumbled, and took an involuntary leap +into the middle of the bed, an awful voice came out of the +dreariness, saying, "There is a chair right there behind you." +This information proved to be correct, and the discomfited +delegate subsided into it, and gazed stolidly at the Madame. If +Madame Harris were worth as much by the pound as beef, her +market-price would be about twenty-five dollars. She was attired +in a loose morning-gown, of an exceedingly flashy pattern, open +before, disclosing a skirt meant to be white, but whose +cleanliness was merely traditional. Of her countenance her +visitor cannot speak, for it was carefully hidden from his +inquiring gaze, and its unknown beauties are left to the +imagination of the reader. Perched mysteriously on the back of +her head, where it was retained by some feminine hocus-pocus, +which has ever been a sealed mystery to _man_kind, was a little +black bonnet, marvellous in pattern and design; from this +depended a long black veil, covering her countenance, and +disguising her as effectually as if she had washed her face and +put on a clean dress. + +She proceeded at once to business, and opened conversation with +this appropriate remark: "My terms is fifty cents for gentlemen, +and the pay is always in advance." + +Here followed a disbursement on the part of the anxious seeker +after knowledge, and an approving chuckle was heard under the +veil. + +Taking up a pack of cards so overlaid with dirt that it was a +work of time and study to tell a queen from a nine spot, or +distinguish the knaves from the aces, she presented them with the +imperative remark: "Cut them once." + +Then ensued the following wonderful predictions uttered by a +dubious and uncertain voice under the veil--which voice seemed one +minute to come from the mouth, then it issued from the throat, +then it sprawled out of the stomach, then it was heard from the +back of the head under the bonnet, and in the course of a few +minutes it came from so many places, that the puzzled hearer was +dubious as to its exact whereabouts--these curious effects being, +doubtless, attributable to the thick covering over the face. But +its various communications, when gathered together, were found to +sum up as follows: + +"You face back misfortune and trouble, of which you have had +much, but they are now behind you, and you have no more to fear. +You will henceforth be successful in business, you will have a +great deal of money. Your affection card faces up a young woman +with dark eyes and dark hair, about twenty-three years old; she +is older than she has led you to believe; there is a dark-complexioned +man whom you will see in two days, who is your enemy; you may not +know it, but you had better beware of him, for he will do you an +injury, if he can; you will see him and speak with him the night +of day-after-to-morrow. Your marriage card faces up this dark +woman, as I said before. I don't see a great deal of money layin' +round her, but there is plenty of money layin' round you in the +future. Somebody will die and leave you money within nine weeks, +not counting this week. You was born under the planet Mars, which +gives you two lucky days in every week--Mondays and Thursdays; +anything you begin on those days will surely succeed." + +Here she handed the cards to be cut again, which operation +disclosed a new feature in the Individual's matrimonial future, +for she went on to say: + +"There is another woman who faces your love-card, who has light +hair and light eyes; she favors your love-card and will be your +first wife; you will have five children--four girls and one boy; +look out for the dark-complexioned man, for he favors your first +wife, and, though she does not favor him very much, he will try +to get her away from you. Your line of life is long; you will +live to be sixty-eight years old, but you will die very suddenly, +for your line of death crosses your line of life very suddenly, +which always brings sudden death." + +Having given this cheering promise, she again held out the cards +to be cut, and said, "Cut them again now, and make a wish at the +same time, and I will tell you if you will have your wish." + +When the required ceremony had been solemnly performed, she +continued: "You will have your wish, but not right away; don't +expect to get it before week after next, but then you will be +sure to have it, for there is no disappointment in the cards for +you." She then informed her customer that she always answered +unerringly two questions, which he was now at liberty to +propound. He made a couple of inquiries relative to his future +business prospects, and received in reply the promise of most +gratifying results. + +Having then, as he supposed, got his money's worth, he was about +to take his leave, when she interrupted him thus: + +"I have a charm for securing good luck to whoever wears it; you +can wear it, and your most intimate friend would never suspect +it; my charge is one dollar for gentlemen; a great many have +bought it of me; many merchants who were on the point of failing +have come to me and possessed this charm, and been saved; you had +better possess it, for it will be sure to bring you good luck; if +you possess it, you will always be successful in business; Mr. +Lynch of Mott Street possessed it, and has been very lucky ever +since, besides a great number I could name; my advice to you is, +possess the charm." + +She then put her elbows on her knees after the manner of a Fulton +Market apple-pedler, in which classic attitude she awaited an +answer. The decision was not favorable to her hopes; for the +economical customer concluded not to invest in the charm, +although it had brought such excellent fortune to Mr. Lynch of +Mott Street. He departed, encountering again in his progress the +weak-eyed one, who met him with a smile, escorted him to the door +with a great laugh, and dismissed him with a joyous grin. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +Treats of the peculiarities of several Witches in a single +batch. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +A BATCH OF WITCHES. + + +The fortune-tellers so elaborately described in the foregoing +chapters are by no means the only ones in New York, engaged in +that lucrative occupation; there are several others who were +visited by the Individual, but who in their surroundings approach +so nearly to those already set down, that a detailed description +of each would necessarily be a somewhat monotonous repetition. So +the prophecy only of each one is here writ down, with a few words +suggestive of the character of the immediate neighborhood, +leaving the imaginative reader to fill up the blank himself, or +to turn back to some foregoing chapter for a picture of a similar +locality, if he prefers it ready-made to his hands. + + +MADAME DE BELLINI, No. 159 FORSYTH STREET. + +For the benefit of those not familiar with the streets of New +York, it is perhaps well to mention that Forsyth Street is a +dirty thoroughfare, two streets east of the Bowery, and that it +is filled for the most part with small groceries, junk shops, +swill milk dispensaries, and stalls for the sale of diseased +vegetables and decaying fruit, and that the inhabitants are +mostly delegates from Africa, and from the Green Isle of the Sea. + +Immediately adjoining the domicil of Madame de Bellini is a +filthy little vegetable store, and on the opposite corner is an +equally filthy Irish grocery, where are dispensed swill milk and +poisoned whiskey. The residence of the Madame is a low two-story +brick house, of rather better appearance than many of its +neighbors, which are principally wooden buildings with those +old-fashioned peculiar roofs, with little windows close under the +cornice, which make a house look as if it had had its hat knocked +over its eyes. + +Madame de Bellini is a Dutchwoman of very large dimensions, being +a two-hundred-and-fifty-pounder at the lowest estimate. Like most +fat women, she is good-natured and smiling. She is apparently 35 +years old, of pleasant manners, somewhat embarrassed by the +difficulty she has in communicating her ideas in English, and is +much neater in person and dress than the majority of ladies in +the same line of business. She would be a popular bar-maid at a +lager-bier saloon, and would preside over the fortunes of the +sausage and Swiss cheese table, with eminent success, and +satisfaction to the public. + +She welcomed the Cash Customer in a jolly sort of way, introduced +him to her private apartment, and seated him on a chair at one +side of a little table, while she bestowed herself on a stool +opposite. + +Having ascertained that he did not speak German with sufficient +fluency to carry on an animated conversation in that tongue, or +to comprehend a rapidly spoken discourse delivered therein, she +was compelled to ventilate her English, which she did, beginning +as follows: + +"I speak not vera mooch goot English--I speak German and French, +but no goot English." + +The Individual, with his usual caution, inquired how much she +proposed to charge for her services. She responded thus: + +"I tell your for_toon_ fier ein tollar, or I can tell your +for_toon_ fier ein half-tollar." + +Fifty cents' worth was enough to begin with, so she took his left +hand in her huge fist, and as a preliminary operation squeezed it +till he gave it up for lost, and in the intervals of his +suffering hastily ran over in his mind the various ways in which +one-handed people get a living; then she relented and did not +deprive him of that useful member, but said: + +"You have goot hand, vera goot hand--your hand gifs you goot +fortoon. You was born under goot blanet, vera nice blanet, you +have vera nice fortoon. You have mooch rich, vera great monish; +you haf seen drubbles, (trouble) vera mooch drubbles--more +drubbles you haf seen, as you will see some more--dat is, you +shall not have so many drubbles py and py as you haf had long +ago, for you haf goot blanet. You will journeys make mooch in +footoor (future) years. You will have two wifes and mooch kindes +(children) in der footoor years, and you will be vera mooch happy +und bleasant mit der wife vot you shall have der first dime, but +not so mooch happy und bleasant mit der wife vot you shall have +der two time, but you shall vera mooch monish have in der fortoor +years." + +She then released the hand of her visitor, who was very glad to +get it back again, and took up a pack of cards, which she +manipulated in the customary style, and then said: + +"Your carts run vera nice; you have goot carts; here is a +shentleman's as ish vera goot to you, he is great friends mit +you: here is a letter vot you shall be come to you right avays +vera soon--it ish goot news to you; you must do joost vot das +letter says. Here ish a brown girls vot lofs (loves) you vera +mooch, but you do not lofs dat girls, so much as das girls lofs +you--you will not be der vife of das girl, for there is anunther +girls vot you lofs bretty bad und you will marry her; she is +bretty goot girls und you will be happy, you will hof lots of +kindes mit das girls. Das girls haf a man now vos lof her vera +mooch--he is was you call das soldier; he lofs her mooch but he +shall not hof her, you shall hof das girls. Here is great man was +will be good friend to you; he ish vera great man, a big king; +not vas you call der knig, but your big mans, your, vos is das, +your bresident--de bresident bees goot friends mit you--here is +dark mans, he ish no goot friend mit you, und you must keep away +from das dark mans." + +This was all the information she appeared to derive from this +pack, which were ordinary playing cards, so she laid them aside +and took up the regular fortune-telling cards, which are covered +with various mysterious devices. These did not seem to communicate +anything of very special importance in addition to what she had +already said, for she examined them closely and then merely +summed up as follows: + +"Goot fortoon, goot blanet, goot vifes, blenty monish, mooch +kindes, not more troubles in der footoor years, big friends, +bresident mooch friends mit you, lif long, ninety-nine years +before you die, leave fortoon to vife und two kindes." + +The Individual was curious to inquire wherein the fifty-cent dose +he had received, differed from the fortunes for which she charged +"ein tollar," and he received the following information: + +"For ein tollar I gifs you a charm as you vears on your necks, +und it gifs you goot luck for ever, und you never gets drownded, +und you lifs long viles, und you bees rich und vera mooch happy." + +The Madame was also good-natured enough to exhibit one of these +powerful charms to her customer. It was a piece of parchment, +originally about four inches square, but which had been scalloped +on the edges, and otherwise cut and carved; on it were inscribed +in German, several cabalistic words; this potent document was to +be always worn next the heart. + +Madame de Bellini has been in New York but a year or two; she +speaks French and German, and is taking lessons in English from +an American lady. She has many customers, mostly German, and, as +in the case of all the other witches, the greatest majority of +her visitors are women. + + +MADAME LEBOND, No. 175 HUDSON STREET. + +The house in which this woman was sojourning at the time of the +visit hereinafter described, is a boarding-house, and the room of +the Madame is the back parlor on the second floor. + +The Individual was received at the door by a short, greasy, dirty +man, about forty years of age, who invited him into the front +parlor, to wait until the Madame was disengaged. This man, who is +an ignorant, half-imbecile person, passes for the husband of the +fortune teller, and is known as _Doctor_ Lebond. He is a man of +peculiar appearance; the top of his head is perfectly bald, and +the fringe of hair about the lower part of it, is twisted into +long corkscrew ringlets, that fall low down on his shoulders. + +He informed the customer that the Madame was then engaged, but he +seemed undecided about the exact nature of her present employment. +He first said she was "tellin' the futur for a young gal;" then +she was "engaged with a literary man;" then "a dry-goods merchant +wanted to find out if his head clerk didn't drink;" but finally +he said that "Madame L. is a eatin' of her dinner." After some +ingenious drawing-out, the _Doctor_ vouchsafed the subjoined +statement of his business prospects. + +"We seen the time when we hadn't fifteen minutes a day, on +account of young gals a comin' for to have their fortune told; we +used to be busy from mornin' till ten and 'levin o'clock at night +a-tellin' fortunes an' a doctorin'--but now, we don't do so much +'cause the young gals don't like to come to a boardin'-house +where young men can see 'em, 'specially in the evenin'. We's too +public here; the young men a-boardin' here likes for to have the +young gals come, they likes for to see 'em in the parlor, but the +young gals won't come so much, 'cause we's too public. We'll have +for to get another house on account of business. + +"I don't get so much doctorin' to do as I used to, 'cause we's +too public. I have doctored lots of folks, principally young +fellers and young gals, and I can do it right. If you ever get +into any trouble you'll find me and my wife _all right_; you can +come to us--we mean to be all right, and to give everybody the +worth of their money, and we _is_ all right." + +By this time, Madame Lebond had finished her dinner, and was +waiting in the back parlor. She is a fat, slovenly-looking woman, +forty years old or more, having no teeth, and taking prodigious +quantities of snuff, which gives her enunciation some peculiar +characteristics. + +When the Individual first beheld her, she was standing in the +middle of the floor, picking her teeth. She requested her visitor +to take a seat, and to pay her half-a-dollar, with both of which +requests he complied. She then put into his hand the end of a +brass tube about an inch in diameter and a foot long, and said: +"Give be the tibe of your birth as dear as possible." + +This was done, and the following brief dialogue ensued:-- + +"Was you bord id the bording?" + +"I really don't remember." + +"Do you have beddy dreabs?" + +"I do not dream much." + +"Thed you dod't have bad dreabs?" + +"No." + +"Thed you was bord id the bording," by which mysterious word she +probably meant, "morning." She then continued:-- + +"You are a pretty keed sbart chap--sharp id busidess, but dot good +id speculatiods, ad you should codfide your attedtiods to +busidess. If you keep od as you are goidg dow, ad works hard, ad +dod't bix id bad cobpady, ad is hodest, ad dod't spend your +buddy, you will be rich. You will travel buch--you _have_ +travelled buch, but your travels is hardly begud; there is a +lodg jourdey at sea dow before you, ad you will start od this +jourdey bost udexpectedly; you will always be lucky, ad will be +very rich. I dod't say dothin' to flatter do wud; lots of fellers +ad gals cub here ad I tell theb all jest what I see; if I see bad +luck I tell theb so; but yours is all good luck, ad I see lots of +it for you. You have had bad luck lately, but you will get over +your bad luck for you are a pretty sbardt chap, ad have got a +good deal of abbitiod, ad you go ahead pretty well. You will +barry a gal--a gal as you have seed but dod't know. Very well, she +is a youdg gal, ad a rich gal, ad a good-lookidg gal; you will +dot barry her for sobe tibe, but you will barry her at last. She +has a beau ad you will likely have sobe trouble with hib, but you +will get the gal at last. The gal has light hair ad blue eyes, ad +I cad show her to you if you would like to see her." + +Of course the visitor liked to see her; so he was directed to +clasp the brass tube in his right hand, and place his hand over +the top. Then she stepped behind his chair and began to go +through with some extraordinary manual exercises on his head. She +felt of the bumps, she squeezed his head, punched it, jerked it +from side to side, and twisted it about in every possible +direction. What was the object and intention of this performance +she did not disclose, but when she had kneaded his unfortunate +skull to her satisfaction, she bade him step to the window and +look into the tube. + +This he did, and he saw a very dingy-looking daguerreotype of a +fair-haired damsel with blue eyes, who bore, of course, not the +most distant resemblance to any lady of his acquaintance. + +Then the fat Madame had a charm to sell, to be worn about the +neck, and never taken off, in which case it would secure for the +wearer "good luck" for ever. + +The Individual declined to purchase and departed, meeting at the +door the curly _Doctor_, who once again offered his medical +services in case the stranger ever got into "trouble," and who +once again assured that person with an air of mystery that "me +and my wife is all right--yes, you may depend, we is all right, we +is." + + +MADAME MAR, AND MADAME DE GORE, No. 176 VARICK STREET. + +These two eminent sorceresses are in partnership, and drive a +tolerably fair trade. They advertise in the papers, one week the +heading being "Madame Mar, assisted by Madame de Gore," and the +next week, it will be "Madame de Gore, assisted by Madame Mar," +and the profits of the business are shared in the same impartial +manner. + +The house, No. 176, is in the worst part of Varick Street, and +the room occupied by the pair of witches is over a boot and shoe +store, and a pawnbroker's shop is directly opposite. + +The room is a small parlor, neatly though plainly furnished, and +with no professional implements visible. When the inquirer made +his call, Madame de Gore was engaged in the kitchen, in her +various household duties, and Madame Mar attended to his call. +She is a tall and rather pleasing woman, neatly dressed and of +quiet manners. + +She secured a dollar in advance, and then led her customer into a +little closet-like room, furnished only with a small table and +two chairs. She then announced that she is a "phrenologist," and +exhibited a plaster bust with the "bumps" scientifically marked +out, and also some phrenological charts and other publications. +She proceeded to give the character of her visitor in the usual +mode of phrenological examinations, after which she prophesied as +follows: + +"You were born between Jupiter and Mars, with such stars you can +never be unlucky, for although you have seen trouble, it is past. +Your luck runs in threes and fives--that is, you are unlucky three +years in succession, and lucky the five years following. You are +never _very_ unlucky, but you do not do so well in your third +house as in your fifth house. You could not be unlucky in your +fifth house if you tried. You have now two months to run in your +third house, then comes on your fifth house. Just now your life +seems to be under a cloud, but after two months you will come out +bright and will enjoy five years of clear sunshine, and you will +then be very wealthy. You will have more money then than you ever +will again, though you will always have plenty. Your wealth runs +14 at the end of five years; after that runs 13, which is very +wealthy. You will marry a young girl, wealthy and beautiful. You +will raise two daughters, but you will never have a large family. +You will be the father of many children, but your family will +never be more than two children. You will go in business with a +very wealthy Southern man, his wealth runs 14--he has two sons and +a daughter. You will marry the daughter, though you will be +opposed by the father and one son, but the other son will stick +by you. You will live with that wife twenty-five years, then she +will die and you will travel with your two daughters. You will go +to Europe. In England you will marry a French widow. Your two +daughters will marry well, and at 72 or 73 years old you will +die, leaving a widow, two daughters, and a large fortune." + +Madame de Gore did not make her appearance at all, and after +Madame Mar had failed to induce her visitor to pay her an extra +dollar for a phrenological chart, she politely showed him out. + + +MADAME LANE, No. 159 MULBERRY STREET. + +This distinguished lady lives in a dirty, dilapidated mansion, at +the corner of Grand and Mulberry Streets. The Cash Customer was +admitted by the Madame herself, who desired him to be seated for +a few minutes, until she had concluded her business with a boy of +about 17 years old, who had called to find out what would be the +winning numbers in the next Georgia lottery. Two dirty-faced +children were playing about the room, making a great noise. + +One corner of the room was fenced off with rough boards, forming +a narrow closet, in which two people could, with some difficulty, +sit down. This was the astrological chamber; the mystic room +into which visitors were conducted to have their fortunes told. + +Madame Lane is of the Irish breed; is red-haired, freckled, and +dirty to a degree. Her dress was ragged, showing a soiled, dingy +petticoat through the rents. + +She seated her customer in the little room, produced a pack of +cards, and proceeded to tell his future, at times shouting out +threats and words of warning to the noisy brats outside. Then she +said: + +"You are a man as has seen a great deal of trouble in the past." + +It will be noticed that this is almost a universal remark with +the witches, probably because it is a perfectly safe thing to +assert of any person in the world. + +"Yes, you have seen trouble in the past, not _real_ trouble, such +as sickness, or losses in business, but still, trouble, and your +mind has been going this way and that way and t'other way, but +now all your trouble and disappointment is past, and your mind +won't go this way and that way any more. Stop that noise you +brats or I'll beat you." (This to the children.) + +"Your cards run lucky, 'cause you were born under Jupiter, and +folks as is borned under Jupiter will always be lucky in +business, in love, and in everything they undertake. If your +business sometimes goes this way, and that way, and t'other way, +it will all come out right, for when a man is borned under +Jupiter he must be all right in his business, and in his love, +and in his marriage, and in his children. Young ones stop that +noise or I'll beat you black and blue. You have had sickness +lately and your mind has been going this way, and that way, and +t'other way, but you need not worry for it will be all right +soon. Children stop that row or clear right out to the kitchen. +Now mind. I tell you. I see a girl here that loves you very much, +but you don't love her and won't marry her, but you will marry +another girl with black whiskers; no, I mean the feller that is +coortin' her has got black whiskers, and I fear you will have +trouble with black whiskers if you are not careful--the girl has +got black hair and is miserable because you don't write to her. +I'm coming after you, young ones there, with a raw hide and I'll +cut the skin off your backs. You will marry this gal and you will +be very happy, and will have three children, which will be joys +to you. Children, I'll come and kill you in two minutes. And you +will always be prosperous in your business, and you will be very +rich, and you will live to be eighty-five years old. Now you can +cut the cards and make a wish and I will tell you if it will come +true. Yes, your wish will come true, because you have cut the +knave, and queen, and king--if you'd like a speedy marriage with +the gal I told you of, I'll fix it for you for fifty cents extra; +children if you don't shut up I'll come and beat you blind." + +The Individual invested a half-dollar as requested, and received +in return a white powder with these instructions;-- + +"You will burn that powder just before you get into bed, and if +you see the gal to-night you won't see no change in her, but she +will be changed to-morrow. She is kinder down on you now, but she +loves you though her mind is kinder this way and that way, but +she will be changed toward you to-night by what I will do after +you are gone." + +The customer departed, leaving this fond mother engaged in an +active skirmish with the two children, both of whom finally +escaped into the street with great howlings. + +Madame Lane does a good business. She says that in pleasant +weather she has from twenty-five to fifty calls a-day, mostly +women; but in bad weather not more than fifteen or twenty, and +these of the other sex. Many of these come only to learn lucky +numbers for lottery gambling, and policy playing. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +Conclusion. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +CONCLUSION. + + +It has been already mentioned that there are a number of persons +in the city who do more or less in the fortune-telling way, who +never advertise for customers. These we must leave to their own +seclusion; as our business has been with those who make a +business of this species of swindling, and who use all manner of +arts to entice the curious, or the credulous, into their dens, +there not only robbing them of their money, but often putting +them in the way to be injured much more deeply. This, of course, +is especially the case with young girls. + +In order to give the readers of this book an idea of the part +taken by these fortune-telling women in many of the terrible +dramas of crime constantly enacting in city life, an extract +showing the _modus operandi_ is here inserted. It is from one of +a series of very useful little books published in this city, and +entitled, "Tricks and Traps of New York." + +Speaking of New York fortune-tellers, the author says, having +previously indulged in some severe remarks about "yellow-covered" +novels: + +"To see how the fortune-teller performs her part, let us suppose +a case: + +"A young, credulous girl, whose mind has been poisoned by the +class of fictions above referred to, is induced to visit a modern +witch, for the purpose of having her 'fortune told.' The woman is +very shrewd, and perceives, in a moment, the kind of customer she +has to deal with. Understanding her business well, she is +perfectly aware that love and marriage--courtship, lovers, and +wedded bliss--are the subjects which are most agreeable. + +"She begins by complimenting her customer: 'such beautiful eyes, +such elegant hair, such a charming form, and graceful manners, +are altogether too fine for a servant or working girl.' She must +surely be intended for a higher station in life, and she will +certainly attain it. She will rise in the world, by marriage, and +will one day be one of the finest ladies in the land. Her husband +will be the handsomest man she has ever seen, and her children +will be the most beautiful in the world. Fortune-tellers always +foretell many children to their female customers; for the +instinct of maternity, the yearning desire for offspring, is one +of the strongest feelings of human nature. + +"Much more of this sort is said; and if the witch finds her talk +eagerly listened to, she knows exactly how to proceed. She +appoints days for other visits; for she desires to get as many +half-dollars out of her dupe as she can. Meantime, the girl has +been thinking of what she has heard, has pictured to herself a +brilliant future--a rich husband--every luxury and enjoyment--and, +upon the whole, has built so many castles in the air, that her +brain is half-bewildered. Even though she may not believe a +tittle of what is said to her, feminine curiosity will generally +lead her to make a second visit; and when the fortune-teller sees +her come upon a like errand a second time, she sets down her prey +as tolerably sure and lays her plans accordingly. + +"She goes on to state to the girl, in her usual rigmarole style, +that she will, in a few weeks, meet with a lover; and perhaps she +may receive a present of jewelry; and by that she will know that +the 'handsome young man' has seen, and been smitten by her many +charms. + +"When the half-believing girl has gone, the scheming sorceress +calls to her aid her confederate in the game--the party who is to +personate 'the handsome young man.' This is usually a spruce-looking +fellow, who makes this particular kind of work his regular business; +or it may be some rich debauchee, who is seeking another victim, +will come and lie in wait, either behind the curtain or in the +next room, where, through some well-contrived crevice, he can see +and hear all that is going on. One or the other of these men it +is that is to assist the witch in fulfilling her prophecies; who +is, at the proper time, to be in the way to personate the 'young +beau,' or 'rich southerner,' and to induce her to visit a house +of assignation, or, in some way, accomplish her ruin. + +"Persons who have been puzzled to know how many of the young +fellows get their living who are seen about town, always well +dressed, and with plenty of cash, and yet having no apparently +respectable means of living, will find a future solution of their +questions in this explanation. Many of these men are 'kept' by +their mistresses, or by the proprietors of houses of ill-fame; in +the latter case, to make acquaintance with strangers, and to +bring business to those houses. They are often very fine-looking +and well-appearing men, and possessed of good natural abilities; +but, from laziness or crime, or some other cause, adopt the +meanest possible business a man can stoop to. Humiliating as this +may seem, and degrading as it is to poor human nature, what we +state is, nevertheless, the literal truth. + +"But, to come back to our supposed case. A few days after her +visit to the witch, the girl actually does, perhaps, receive a +present, as the witch predicted; this not only pleases her vanity +and love of admiration, but disposes her to put confidence in the +powers of the fortune-teller to read coming events. Straightway +the deluded girl goes again to the witch, to tell how things have +fallen out, as she foretold, and to seek further light upon the +subject. It is now the cue of the prophetess to describe the +young man. This she does in glowing terms; never failing to endow +him with a large fortune; and the poor girl goes away with her +head more turned than ever." + + * * * * * + +"Enraptured with a description, or sight of the picture of her +fond love, the deluded girl is now all anxiety to see him in +person. The witch accordingly gives her some magical powder +(price one dollar), which she is to put under her pillow every +night for seven nights, or wear next her heart for nine days, or +some other nonsense of that kind, at the end of which time, she +is told to take the ferry-boat to Hoboken or some such place, at +a certain hour in the afternoon, and somewhere on her route she +will have a sight of the gentleman she is almost crazed to see. +The result is plain, the 'gentleman' is there as foretold, an +acquaintance is commenced, and the girl is ultimately ruined. + +"We have been thus particular to give, step by step, the details +of the mode of management pursued in these cases. There are, of +course, many varieties, dictated by the circumstances of each +case, but the general features and the _result_, are the same. + +"The incidents above given are the outlines of a real case in +which the end of the conspirators was accomplished; the girl, +however, was rescued by the Managers of the Magdalen Asylum, and +is now leading a blameless life." + +The "Individual" has now concluded his labors, and he hopes not +without profit to the community at large. + +He has heard it urged that this book will merely advertise the +fortune-tellers, and that they will go on driving a more +flourishing trade than ever. He cannot think that this will be +the case; he cannot believe that any persons who read in this +book the candid exposition of the style of necromancy dealt out +by the modern Circes, will be willing to pay money for any +personal experience of them, and he respectfully submits that +although they have heretofore been consulted by many ladies of +respectability, from motives of mere curiosity, those ladies will +risk no further visits when they learn that they may with as much +propriety visit any other assignation house, as a fortune-teller's den. + +A recapitulation of the various prophecies made to the Cash +Customer would show that he has been promised thirty-three wives, +and something over ninety children--that he was brought into the +world on various occasions between 1820 and 1833--that he was born +under nearly all the planets known to astronomers--that he has +more birth-places than he has fingers and toes--that he has passed +through so many scenes of unexpected happiness and complicated +misfortune in his past life, that he must have lived fifty hours +to the day and been wide awake all the time--and he has so many +future fortunes marked out for him that at three hundred and +fifty years old his work will not be half done, and when at last +all _is_ finally accomplished, a minute dissection of his aged +corpus will be necessary, that his earthly remains may be buried +in all the places set down for him by these prophets. + +But aside from a humorous contemplation of the subjects, he +trusts he has done his work well; he is sure he has done it +faithfully, and he honestly hopes that some good may come of his +labors to write down here honestly the ignorance and imbecility +of The Witches of New York. + + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Witches of New York, by +Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WITCHES OF NEW YORK *** + +***** This file should be named 31717-8.txt or 31717-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/7/1/31717/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Irma Spehar and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/31717-8.zip b/31717-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e5af91 --- /dev/null +++ b/31717-8.zip diff --git a/31717-h.zip b/31717-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..34460f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/31717-h.zip diff --git a/31717-h/31717-h.htm b/31717-h/31717-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ddb95ed --- /dev/null +++ b/31717-h/31717-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8728 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en" xml:lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Witches of New York, by Q. K. Philander Doesticks + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + + p {margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + text-indent: 1em; + } + + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + + h2 {margin-top: 2em; + font-family: "Garamond", Times, serif;} + + h3 {font-family: "Garamond", Times, serif; + font-weight: normal;} + + h4 {font-weight: normal; + text-align: left; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + margin-top: 2em; + width: 60%; + padding-left: 1em; + text-indent: -1em;} + + hr {width: 10%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + height: 1px; + border: 0; + background-color: black; + color: black; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + width: 60%; + } + + td.lal {text-align: left; + padding-left: 2em; + text-indent: -2em; + padding-top: 1em; + } + + td.ral {text-align: right; + vertical-align: bottom; + padding-left: 2em;} + + body{margin-left: 15%; + margin-right: 15%; + } + + p.ni {text-indent: 0em;} + + p.publisher {margin-top: 4em; + text-align: center; + font-size: 90%; + margin-bottom: 3em; + text-indent: 0em; + line-height: 150%; + } + + p.copyright {font-size: 90%; + text-align: center; + text-indent: 0em;} + + p.printer {font-size: 80%; + text-align: center; + text-indent: 0em; + border-top: solid black 1px; + width: 15em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + margin-top: 4em;} + + div.tpage {font-family: "Garamond", Times, serif;} + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + right: 1%; + font-size: x-small; + text-align: right; + font-weight: normal; + font-style: normal; + letter-spacing: 0ex; + text-indent: 0em; + font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, serif; + } + + a:link {text-decoration: none; + color: #104E8B; + background-color: inherit; + } + + a:visited {text-decoration: none; + color: #8B0000; + background-color: inherit; + } + + a:hover {text-decoration: underline;} + + a:active {text-decoration: underline;} + + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; + font-size: 90%; + line-height: 130%; + } + + .bbox {border: black dotted 2px; + width: 18em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + padding: 1em;} + + .center {text-align: center; + text-indent: 0em;} + + .right {text-align: right; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; + margin-right:10%; + text-align: left; + } + + .poem br {display: none;} + + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + + .poem span.i0 {display: block; + margin-left: 0em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; + } + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's The Witches of New York, by Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Witches of New York + +Author: Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +Release Date: March 21, 2010 [EBook #31717] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WITCHES OF NEW YORK *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Irma Spehar and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="tpage"> +<h1><span style="font-size: 50%">THE</span><br /><br /> + +<span class="smcap">Witches of New York</span>,</h1> + +<p class="center" style="padding-top: 4em; padding-bottom: 4em; font-size: 80%"><b>AS ENCOUNTERED BY</b></p> + +<p class="center"><b><span class="smcap">Q. K. Philander Doesticks</span>, P. B.</b></p> + +<p class="publisher">NEW YORK:<br /> +<span class="smcap">RUDD & CARLETON, 310 Broadway</span>.<br /> +MDCCCLIX.</p> + +<p class="copyright">Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1858, by<br /> +RUDD & CARLETON,<br /> +In the Clerk’s Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern<br /> +District of New York.</p> + + +<p class="printer">R. CRAIGHEAD,<br /> +Printer, Stereotyper, and Electrotyper,<br /> +Carton Building,<br /> +<i>81, 83, and 85 Centre Street</i>.</p> +</div> + + +<h2><a name="Preface" id="Preface"></a><span class="smcap">Preface.</span></h2> + +<hr /> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">What</span> the Witches of New York City personally told me, +Doesticks, you will find written in this volume, without the +slightest exaggeration or perversion. I set out now with no +intention of misrepresenting anything that came under my +observation in collecting the material for this book, but with +an honest desire to tell the simple truth about the people I +encountered, and the prophecies I paid for.</p> + +<p>So far from desiring to do any injustice to the Fortune Tellers +of the Metropolis, I sincerely hope that my labors may +avail something towards making their true deservings more +widely appreciated, and their fitting reward more full and +speedy. I am satisfied that so soon as their character is better +understood, and certain peculiar features of their business +more thoroughly comprehended by the public, they will meet +with more attention from the dignitaries of the land than has +ever before been vouchsafed them.</p> + +<p>I thank the public for the flattering consideration paid to +what I have heretofore written, and respectfully submit that +if they would increase the obligation, perhaps the readiest way +is to buy and read the present volume.</p> + +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">The Author.</span></p> + +<p><i>Sept. 20th, 1858.</i></p> + + + +<h2><a name="Contents" id="Contents"></a><span class="smcap">Contents.</span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xi" id="Page_xi">[xi]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<table summary="table of contents"> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_I">CHAPTER I.</a> is simply Explanatory so far as regards the +book, but in it the author takes occasion to pay himself +several merited compliments on the score of honesty, ability, +&c., &c., &c.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_15">15</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_II">CHAPTER II.</a> is devoted to the glorification of Madame Prewster, +of No. 373 Bowery, the Pioneer Witch of New York. +The “Individual” also herein bears his testimony that she +is oily and water-proof.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_III">CHAPTER III.</a> wherein are related divers strange things of +Madame Bruce, the “Mysterious Veiled Lady,” of No. 513 +Broome Street.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_51">51</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_IV">CHAPTER IV.</a> Relates the marvellous performances of Madame +Widger, of No. 3 First Avenue, and how she looks into the +future through a paving-stone.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_73">73</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_V">CHAPTER V.</a> Discourses of Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First +Street, Williamsburgh, and tells what that Nursing Sorceress +communicated to the Cash Customer.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_99">99</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xii" id="Page_xii">[xii]</a></span></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_VI">CHAPTER VI.</a> in which are narrated the wonderful workings +of Madame Morrow, the “Astonisher,” of No. 76 Broome +Street, and how by a Crinolinic Stratagem the “Individual” +got a sight of his “Future Husband.”</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_123">123</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_VII">CHAPTER VII.</a> contains a full account of the interview of the +Cash Customer with Doctor Wilson, the Astrologer, of No. +172 Delancey Street. The Fates decree that he shall +“pizon his first wife.” <span class="smcap">Hooray!</span></td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_147">147</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_VIII">CHAPTER VIII.</a> gives a history of how Mrs. Hayes, the Clairvoyant, +of No. 176 Grand Street, does the Conjuring Trick.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_169">169</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_IX">CHAPTER IX.</a> tells all about Mrs. Seymour, the Clairvoyant, +of No. 110 Spring Street, and what she had to say.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_195">195</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_X">CHAPTER X.</a> describes Madame Carzo, the “Brazilian Astrologist,” +and gives all the romantic adventures of the “Individual” +with the gay South American Maid.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_215">215</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_XI">CHAPTER XI.</a> In which is set down the prophecy of Madame +Leander Lent, of No. 163 Mulberry Street; and how she +promised her customer numerous wives and children.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_239">239</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_XII">CHAPTER XII.</a> Wherein are described all the particulars of a +visit to the “Gipsy Girl,” of No. 207 Third Avenue; with +an allusion to Gin, and other luxuries dear to the heart of +that beautiful Rover.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_261">261</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_XIII">CHAPTER XIII.</a> contains a true account of the Magic Establishment +of Mrs. Fleury, of No. 263 Broome Street; and +also shows the exact amount of Witchcraft that snuffy +personage can afford for one dollar.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_281">281</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xiii" id="Page_xiii">[xiii]</a></span></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_XIV">CHAPTER XIV.</a> describes an interview with the “Cullud” +Seer Mr. Grommer, of No. 34 North Second Street, Williamsburgh, +and what that respectable Whitewasher and Prophet +told his visitor.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_305">305</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_XV">CHAPTER XV.</a> How the Individual called on Madame Clifton +of No. 185 Orchard Street, and how that amiable and gifted +“Seventh daughter of a Seventh daughter,” prophesied his +speedy death and destruction—together with all about the +“Chinese Ruling Planet Charm.”</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_327">327</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_XVI">CHAPTER XVI.</a> details the particulars of a morning call on +Madame Harris, and how she covered up her beautiful head +in a black bag.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_353">353</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_XVII">CHAPTER XVII.</a> Treats of the peculiarities of Several Witches +in a single batch.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_371">371</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="lal"><a href="#CHAPTER_XVIII">CHAPTER XVIII.</a> Conclusion.</td><td class="ral"><a href="#Page_395">395</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xiv" id="Page_xiv">[xiv]</a></span></td></tr> +</table> + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></h2> +<hr /> + +<h3>Which is simply explanatory, so far as regards the book, but<br /> +in which the author takes occasion to pay himself<br /> +several merited compliments, on the<br /> +score of honesty, ability, etc.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER I.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>WHICH IS MERELY EXPLANATORY.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">The</span> first undertaking of the author of these pages +will be to convince his readers that he has not set +about making a merely funny book, and that the +subject of which he writes is one that challenges +their serious and earnest attention. Whatever of +humorous description may be found in the succeeding +chapters, is that which grows legitimately out of +certain features of the theme; for there has been no +overstrained effort to <i>make</i> fun where none naturally +existed.</p> + +<p>The Witches of New York exert an influence too +powerful and too wide-spread to be treated with such +light regard as has been too long manifested by the +community they have swindled for so many years;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> +and it is to be desired that the day may come when +they will be no longer classed with harmless mountebanks, +but with dangerous criminals.</p> + +<p>People, curious in advertisements, have often read +the “Astrological” announcements of the newspapers, +and have turned up their critical noses at the +ungrammatical style thereof, and indulged the while +in a sort of innocent wonder as to whether these +transparent nets ever catch any gulls. These matter-of-fact +individuals have no doubt often queried in a +vague, purposeless way, if there really can be in +enlightened New York any considerable number of +persons who have faith in charms and love-powders, +and who put their trust in the prophetic infallibility +of a pack of greasy playing-cards. It may open the +eyes of these innocent querists to the popularity of +modern witchcraft to learn that the nineteen she-prophets +who advertise in the daily journals of this city are +visited every week by an average of <i>sixteen hundred +people</i>, or at the rate of more than a dozen customers +a day for each one; and of this immense number<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> +probably two-thirds place implicit confidence in the +miserable stuff they hear and pay for.</p> + +<p>It is also true that although a part of these visitors +are ignorant servants, unfortunate girls of the town, +or uneducated overgrown boys, still there are among +them not a few men engaged in respectable and +influential professions, and many merchants of good +credit and repute, who periodically consult these +women, and are actually governed by their advice in +business affairs of great moment.</p> + +<p>Carriages, attended by liveried servants, not unfrequently +stop at the nearest respectable corner adjoining +the abode of a notorious Fortune-Teller, while +some richly-dressed but closely-veiled woman stealthily +glides into the habitation of the Witch. Many +ladies of wealth and social position, led by curiosity, +or other motives, enter these places for the purpose +of hearing their “fortunes told.” When these ladies +are informed of the true character of the houses they +have thus entered, and the real business of many of +these women whose fortune-telling is but a screen to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> +intercept the public gaze from it, it is not likely that +any one of them will ever compromise her reputation +by another visit.</p> + +<p>People who do not know anything about the subject +will perhaps be surprised to hear that most of +these humbug sorceresses are now, or have been in +more youthful and attractive days, women of the +town, and that several of their present dens are vile +assignation houses; and that a number of them are +professed abortionists, who do as much perhaps in +the way of child-murder as others whose names have +been more prominently before the world; and they +will be astonished to learn that these chaste sibyls +have an understood partnership with the keepers of +houses of prostitution, and that the opportunities for +a lucrative playing into each other’s hands are constantly +occurring.</p> + +<p>The most terrible truth connected with this whole +subject is the fact that the greater number of these +female fortune-tellers are but doing their allotted part +in a scheme by which, in this city, the wholesale<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> +seduction of ignorant, simple-hearted girls, in the +lower walks of life, has been thoroughly systematized.</p> + +<p>The fortune-teller is the only one of the organization +whose operations may be known to the public; the +other workers—the masculine go-betweens who lead +the victims over the space intervening between her +house and those of deeper shame—are kept out of +sight and are unheard of. There is a straight path +between these two points which is travelled every +year by hundreds of betrayed young girls, who, but +for the superstitious snares of the one, would never +know the horrible realities of the other. The exact +mode of proceeding adopted by these conspirators +against virtue, the details of their plans, the various +stratagems by which their victims are snared and led +on to certain ruin, are not fit subjects for the present +chapter; but any individual who is disposed to prosecute +the inquiry for himself will find in the various +police records much matter for his serious cogitation, +and may there discover the exact direction in which +to continue his investigations with the certainty of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span> +demonstrating these facts to his perfect satisfaction.</p> + +<p>A few months ago, at the suggestion of the editor +of one of the leading daily newspapers of America, +a series of articles was written about the fortune-tellers +of New York city, and these articles were in due +time published in that journal, and attracted no little +attention from its readers. These chapters, with such +alterations as were requisite, and with many additions, +form the bulk of this present volume.</p> + +<p>The work has been conscientiously done. Every +one of the fortune-tellers described herein was personally +visited by the “Individual,” and the predictions +were carefully noted down at the time, word for +word; the descriptions of the necromantic ladies and +their surroundings are accurate, and can be corroborated +by the hundreds who have gone over the same +ground before and since. They were treated in the +most fair and frank manner; the same data as to time +and date of birth, age, nationality, etc., were given in +all cases, and the same questions were put to all, so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> +that the absurd differences in their statements and predictions +result from the unmitigated humbug of their +pretended art, and from no misinformation or misrepresentation +on the part of the seeker after mystic +knowledge.</p> + +<p>This latter person was perfectly unknown to the +worthy ladies of the black art profession; he was to +them simply an individual, one of the many-headed +public, a cash customer, who paid liberally for all he +required, and who, by reason of the dollars he disbursed, +was entitled to the very best witchcraft in the +market.</p> + +<p>And he got it.</p> + +<p>He undertook a few short journeys in search of the +marvellous; he went on a couple of dozen voyages +of discovery without going out of sight of home; he +penetrated to the out-of-the-way regions, where the +two-and-sixpenny witches of our own time grow. He +got his fill of the cheap prophecy of the day, and procured +of the oracles in person their oracularest sayings, +at the very highest market price. For the business-like<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> +seers of this age are easily moved to prophesy +by the sight of current moneys of the land, no matter +who presents the same; whereas the oracles of the +olden time dealt only with kings and princes, and +nothing less than the affairs of an entire nation, or a +whole territory, served to get their slow prophetic +apparatus into working trim. To the necromancers +of early days the anxieties of private individuals were +as naught, and from the shekels of humble life they +turned them contemptuously away.</p> + +<p>It is probably a thorough conviction of the necessity +of eating and drinking, and a constant contemplation +from a Penitentiary point of view of the consequences +of so doing without paying therefor, that +induces our modern witches to charge a specific sum +for the exercise of their art, and to demand the +inevitable dollar in advance.</p> + +<p>Whatever there is of Sorcery, Astrology, Necromancy, +Prophecy, Fortune-telling, and the Black Art +generally, practised at this time by the professional +Witches of New York, is here honestly set down.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> + +<p>Should any other individual become particularly +interested in the subject, and desire to go back of the +present record and make his exploration personally +among the Fortune-tellers, he will find their present +addresses in the newspapers of the day, and can easily +verify what is herein written.</p> + +<p>With these remarks as to the intention of this book, +the reader is referred by the Cash Customer to the +succeeding chapters for further information. And the +public will find in the advertisements, appended to the +name and number of each mysteriously gifted lady, the +pleasing assurance that she will be happy to see, not +only the Cash Customer of the present writing, but +also any and all other customers, equally cash, who +are willing to pay the customary cash tribute.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Is devoted to the glorification of Madame Prewster of No.<br /> +373 Bowery, the Pioneer Witch of New York.<br /> +The “Individual” also herein bears his<br /> +testimony that she is oily and<br /> +water-proof.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER II.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MADAME PREWSTER, No. 373 BOWERY.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">This</span> woman is one of the most dangerous of all +those in the city who are engaged in the swindling +trade of Fortune Telling, and has been professionally +known to the police and the public of New York for +about fourteen years. The amount of evil she has +accomplished in that time is incalculable, for she has +been by no means idle, nor has she confined her attention +even to what mischief she could work by the +exercise of her pretended magic, but if the authenticity +of the records may be relied on, she has borne a +principal part in other illicit transactions of a much +more criminal nature. She has been engaged in the +“Witch” business in this city for more years than +has any other one whose name is now advertised +to the public.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p> + +<p>If the history of her past life could be published, +it would astound even this community, which is not +wont to be startled out of its propriety by criminal +development, for if justice were done, Madame Prewster +would be at this time serving the State in the +Penitentiary for her past misdoings; but, in some of +these affairs of hers, men of so much <i>respectability</i> +and political influence have been implicated, that, +having sure reliance on their counsel and assistance, +the Madame may be regarded as secure from punishment, +even should any of her many victims choose +to bring her into court.</p> + +<p>The quality of her Witchcraft, by which she ostensibly +lives, and the amount of faith to be reposed +in her mystic predictions, may be seen from the +history of a visit to her domicile, which is hereunto +appended in the very words of the “Individual” who +made it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p> + + +<h4>The “Cash Customer” makes his first Voyage in a Shower, +but encounters an Oily and Waterproof Witch at the +end of his Journey.</h4> + +<p>It rained, and it <i>meant</i> to rain, and it set about it +with a will.</p> + +<p>It was as if some “Union Thunderstorm Company” +was just then paying its consolidated attention +to the city and county of New York; or, +as if some enterprising Yankee of hydraulic tendencies, +had contracted for a second deluge and was +hurrying up the job to get his money; or, as if the +clouds were working by the job; or, as if the earth +was receiving its rations of rain for the year in a +solid lump; or, as if the world had made a half-turn, +leaving in the clouds the ocean and rivers, and +those auxiliaries to navigation were scampering back +to their beds as fast as possible; or, as if there had +been a scrub-race to the earth between a score or +more full-grown rain storms, and they were all coming +in together, neck-and-neck, at full speed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> + +<p>Despite the juiciness of these opening sentences, +the “Individual” does not propose to accompany +the account of his heroical setting-forth on his first +witch-journey with any inventory of natural scenery +and phenomena, or with any interesting remarks on +the wind and weather. Those who have a taste for +that sort of thing will find in a modern circulating +library, elaborate accounts of enough “dew-spangled +grass” to make hay for an army of Nebuchadnezzars +and a hundred troops of horse—of “bright-eyed +daisies” and “modest violets,” enough to fence all +creation with a parti-colored hedge—of “early larks” +and “sweet-singing nightingales,” enough to make +musical pot-pies and harmonious stews for twenty +generations of Heliogabaluses; to say nothing of the +amount of twaddle we find in American sensation +books about “hawthorn hedges” and “heather bells,” +and similar transatlantic luxuries that don’t grow in +America, and never did.</p> + +<p>And then the sunrises we’re treated to, and the +sunsets we’re crammed with, and the “golden clouds,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span>” +the “grand old woods,” the “distant dim blue mountains,” +the “crystal lakes,” the “limpid purling +brooks,” the “green-carpeted meadows,” and the +whole similar lot of affected bosh, is enough to shake +the faith of a practical man in nature as a natural +institution, and to make him vote her an artificial +humbug.</p> + +<p>So the voyager in pursuit of the marvellous, +declines to state how high the thermometer rose or +fell in the sun or in the shade, or whether the wind +was east-by-north, or sou’-sou’-west by a little sou’.</p> + +<p>The “dew on the grass” was not shining, for there +was in his vicinity no dew and no grass, nor anything +resembling those rural luxuries. Nor was it by any +means at “early dawn;” on the contrary, if there be +such a commodity in a city as “dawn,” either early +or late, that article had been all disposed of several +hours in advance of the period at which this chapter +begins.</p> + +<p>But at midday he set forth alone to visit that prophetess +of renown, Madame Prewster. He was fully<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> +prepared to encounter whatever of the diabolical +machinery of the black art might be put in operation +to appal his unaccustomed soul.</p> + +<p>But as he set forth from the respectable domicile +where he takes his nightly roost, it rained, as aforementioned. +The driving drops had nearly drowned +the sunshine, and through the sickly light that still +survived, everything looked dim and spectral. Unearthly +cars, drawn by ghostly horses, glided swiftly +through the mist, the intangible apparitions which +occupied the drivers’ usual stands hailing passengers +with hollow voices, and proffering, with impish finger +and goblin wink, silent invitations to ride. Fantastic +dogs sneaked out of sight round distant corners, or +skulked miserably under phantom carts for an imaginary +shelter. The rain enveloped everything with a +grey veil, making all look unsubstantial and unreal; +the human unfortunates who were out in the storm +appeared cloudy and unsolid, as if each man had sent +his shadow out to do his work and kept his substance +safe at home.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p> + +<p>The “Individual” travelled on foot, disdaining +the miserable compromise of an hour’s stew in a steaming +car, or a prolonged shower-bath in a leaky omnibus. +Being of burly figure and determined spirit, he +walked, knowing that his “too-solid flesh” would +not be likely “to melt, thaw, and resolve itself into +a dew,” and firmly believing that he was not born to +be drowned.</p> + +<p>He carried no umbrella, preferring to stand up and +fight it out with the storm face to face, and because he +detested a contemptible sneaking subterfuge of an +umbrella, pretending to keep him dry, and all the +time surreptitiously leaking small streams down the +back of his neck, and filling his pockets with indigo +colored puddles; and because, also, an umbrella +would no more have protected a man against that +storm, than a gun-cotton overcoat would have availed +against the storm of fire that scorched old Sodom.</p> + +<p>He placed his trust in a huge pair of water-proof +boots, and a felt hat that shed water like a duck. He +thrust his arms up to his elbows into the capacious<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> +pockets of his coat, drew his head down into the +turned-up collar of that said garment, like a boy-bothered +mud-turtle, and marched on.</p> + +<p>With bowed head, set teeth, and sturdy step, the +cash customer tramped along, astonishing the few +pedestrians in the street by the energy and emphasis +of his remarks in cases of collision, and attracting +people to the windows to look at him as he splashed +his way up the street. He minded them no more than +he did the gentleman in the moon, but drove forward +at his best speed, now breaking his shins over a dry-goods +box, then knocking his head against a lamp-post; +now getting a great punch in the stomach from +an unexpected umbrella, then involuntarily gauging +the depth of some unseen puddle, and then getting +out of soundings altogether in a muddy inland sea; +now swept almost off his feet by a sudden torrent of +sufficient power to run a saw-mill, and only recovering +himself to find that he was wrecked on the curbstone +of some side street that he didn’t want to go to. +At length, after a host of mishaps, including some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> +interesting but unpleasant submarine explorations in +an unusually large mud-hole into which he fell full-length, +he arrived, soaked and savage, at the house of +Madame Prewster.</p> + +<p>This elderly and interesting lady has long been an +oily pilgrim in this vale of tears. The oldest inhabitant +cannot remember the exact period when this +truly great prophetess became a fixture in Gotham, +and began to earn her bread and butter by fortune-telling +and kindred occupations. Her unctuous countenance +and pinguid form are known to hundreds on +whose visiting lists her name does not conspicuously +appear, and to whom, in the way of business, she has +made revelations which would astonish the unsuspecting +and unbelieving world. She is neither exclusive +nor select in her visitors. Whoever is willing to pay +the price, in good money—a point on which her regulations +are stringent—may have the benefit of her +skill, as may be seen by her advertisement:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p><div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Card.</span>—Madame <span class="smcap">Prewster</span> returns thanks to her friends and +patrons, and begs to say that, after the thousands, both in this +city and Philadelphia, who have consulted her with entire satisfaction, +she feels confident that in the questions of astrology, +love, and law matters, and books or oracles, as relied on constantly +by Napoleon, she has no equal. She will tell the name +of the future husband, and also the name of her visitors. No. +373 Bowery, between Fourth and Fifth streets.”</p></div> + +<p>The undaunted seeker after mystic lore rang a peal +on the astonished door-bell that created an instantaneous +confusion of the startled inmates. There was a +good deal of hustling about, and running hither, thither, +and to the other place, before any one appeared; +meantime, the dainty fingers of the damp customer +performed other little solos on the daubed and sticky +bell-pull,—and he also amused himself with inspection +of, and comments on, the German-silver plate on the +narrow panel, which bore the name of the illustrious +female who occupied these domains.</p> + +<p>At last the door was opened by a greasy girl, +and the visitor was admitted to the hall, where he +stood for a minute, like a fresh-water merman, “all +dripping from the recent flood.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span>”</p> + +<p>The juvenile female who had admitted him thus +far, evidently took him for a disreputable character, +and stood prepared to prevent depredations. +She planted herself firmly before him in the narrow +hall in an attitude of self-defence, and squaring off +scientifically, demanded his business. Astrology was +mentioned, whereupon the threatening fists were lowered, +the saucy under-jaw was retracted, and the +general air of pugnacity was subdued into a very +suspicious demeanor, as if she thought he hadn’t any +money, and wanted to storm the castle under false +pretences. She informed him that before matters +went any further, he must buy tickets, which she +was prepared to furnish, on receipt of a dollar and a +half; he paid the money, which transaction seemed +to raise him in her estimation to the level of a man +who might safely be trusted where there was nothing +he could steal. One fist she still kept loaded, ready +to instantly repel any attack which might be suddenly +made by her designing enemy, the other hand +cautiously departed petticoatward, and after groping<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> +about some time in a concealed pocket, produced +from the mysterious depth a card, too dirty for +description, on which these words were dimly +visible:</p> + + +<table summary="card" style="width: 18em; border: black dotted 2px; padding: 0.5em; margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em"> +<tr><td>50 cents.</td><td><span class="smcap">MADAME PREWSTER<br /> +411 Grand Street</span>.</td><td>No. 1.</td></tr> +</table> + + +<p>The belligerent girl then led the way through a +narrow hall, up two flights of stairs into a cold room, +where she desired her visitor to be seated. She then +carefully locked one or two doors leading into adjoining +rooms, put the keys in her pocket, and departed. +Before her exit she made a sly demonstration with +her fists and feet, as if she was disposed to break +the truce, commence hostilities, and punch his unprotected +head, without regard to the laws of honorable +warfare. She departed, however, at last, without violence, +though the voyager could hear her pause on +each landing, probably debating whether it wasn’t<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> +best after all to go back and thrash him before the +opportunity was lost for ever.</p> + +<p>This grand reception-room was an apartment about +six feet by eight; it was uncarpeted, and was luxuriously +furnished with six wooden chairs, one stove, +with no spark of fire, one feeble table, one spittoon, +and two coal-scuttles.</p> + +<p>The view from the window was picturesque to +a degree, being made up of cats, clothes-lines, chimneys, +and crockery, and occasionally, when the storm +lifted, a low roof near by suggested stables. The +odor which filled the air had at least the merit of +being powerful, and those to whose noses it was +grateful, could not complain that they did not get +enough of it. Description must necessarily fall far +short of the reality, but if the reader will endeavor to +imagine a couple of oil-mills, a Peck-slip ferry-boat, a +soap-and-candle manufactory, and three or four bone-boiling +establishments being simmered together over +a slow fire in his immediate vicinity, he may possibly +arrive at a faint and distant notion of the greasy fragrance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> +in which the abode of Madame Prewster is +immersed.</p> + +<p>For an hour and a half by the watch of the Cash +Customer (which being a cheap article, and being alike +insensible to the voice of reason and the persuasions +of the watchmaker, would take its own time to do its +work, and the long hands of which generally succeeded +in getting once round the dial in about eighty +minutes) was this too damp individual incarcerated +in the room by the order of the implacable Madame +Prewster.</p> + +<p>He would long before the end of that time have +forfeited his dollar and a half and beaten an inglorious +retreat, but that he feared an ambuscade and a +pitching-into at the fair hands of the warlike servant.</p> + +<p>Finally, this last-named individual came to the +rescue, and conducted him by a circuitous route, and +with half-suppressed demonstrations of animosity, to +the basement. This room was evidently the kitchen, +and was fitted up with the customary iron and +brazen apparatus.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p> + +<p>A feeble child, just old enough to run alone, had +constructed a child’s paradise in the lee of the cooking-stove, +and was seated on a dinner-pot, with one +foot in a saucepan; it had been playing on the +wash-boiler like a drum, but was now engaged in +decorating some loaves of unbaked bread with bits +of charcoal and splinters from the broom.</p> + +<p>The fighting servant retreated to the far end of the +apartment, where she began to wash dishes with vindictive +earnestness, stopping at short intervals to wave +her dish-cloth savagely as a challenge to instant single +combat. There was nothing visible that savored of +astrology or magic, unless some tin candlesticks with +battered rims could be cabalistically construed.</p> + +<p>Madame Prewster, the renowned, sat majestically +in a Windsor rocking-chair, extra size, with a large +pillow comfortably tucked in behind her illustrious +and rheumatic back. Her prophetic feet rested on a +wooden stool; her oracular neck was bound with a +bright-colored shawl; her necromantic locomotive +apparatus was incased in a great number of predictive<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> +petticoats, and her whole aspect was portentous. +She is a woman who may be of any age from 45 to +120, for her face is so oily that wrinkles won’t stay +in it; they slip out and leave no trace. She is an +unctuous woman, with plenty of material in her—enough, +in fact, for two or three. She is adipose +to a degree that makes her circumference problematical, +and her weight a mere matter of conjecture. +Moreover, one instantly feels that she is thoroughly +water-proof, and is certain that if she could be +induced to shed tears, she would weep lard oil.</p> + +<p>Grim, grizzled, and stony-eyed, is this juicy old +Sibyl; and she glared fearfully on the hero with her +fishy optics, until he wished he hadn’t done anything.</p> + +<p>She was evidently just out of bed, although it was +long past noon, and when she yawned, which she did +seven times a minute on a low average, the effect was +gloomy and cavernous, and the timid delegate in +search of the mysterious trembled in his boots.</p> + +<p>At last, he with uncovered head and timid +demeanor presented his card entitling him to twelve<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> +shillings’ worth of witchcraft, and made an humble +request to have it honored. He had previously, +while pretending to warm himself at the stove, been +occupied in making horrible grimaces at the baby, +and then sketching it in his hat as it disfigured its +own face by frantic screams; and he also took a +quiet revenge on the pugnacious servant by making +a picture of her in a fighting attitude, with one eye +bunged and her jaw knocked round to her left ear.</p> + +<p>When the ponderous Witch had got all ready for +business, and had taken a very long greasy stare at +her customer, as if she was making up her mind +what sort of a customer on the whole he might be, +she determined to begin her mighty magic. So she +took up the cards, which were almost as greasy as +she herself, and prepared for business, previously +giving one most tremendous yawn, which opened +her sacred jaws so wide that only a very narrow +isthmus of hair behind her ears connected the top +of her respected head with the back of her venerated +neck.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p> + +<p>She then presented the cards for her customer to +cut, and when he had accomplished that feat, which +he did in some perturbation, she ran them carelessly +over between her fingers, and began to speak very +slowly, and without much thought of what she was +about, as if it was a lesson she had learned by heart.</p> + +<p>Each word slipped smoothly out from her fat lips +as if it had been anointed with some patent lubricator, +and her speech was as follows:—</p> + +<p>“You have seen much trouble, some of it in business, +and some of it in love, but there are brighter +days in store for you before long—you face up a letter—you +face up love—you face up marriage—you +face up a light-haired woman, with dark eyes, you +think a great deal of her, and she thinks a great deal +of you; but then she faces up a dark complexioned +man, which is bad for you—you must take care and +look out for him, for he is trying to injure you—she +likes you the best, but you must look out for the +man—you face up better luck in business, you face a +change in your business, but be careful, or it will not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span> +bring you much money—you do not face up a great +deal of money.”</p> + +<p>(Here followed a huge yawn which again nearly +left the top of her head an island.) Then she resumed, +“If you will tell me the number of letters in +the lady’s name, I will tell you what her name is.”</p> + +<p>This demand was unexpected, but her cool and +collected customer replied at random, “Four.” The +she-Falstaff then referred to a book wherein was +written a long list of names, of varying lengths from +one syllable to six, and selecting the names with four +letters, began to ask.</p> + +<p>“Is it Emma?” “No.” “Anna?” “No.” “Ella?” +“No?” “Jane?” “No.” “Etta?” “No.” “Lucy?” +“No.” “Cora?” “No.” At last, finding that she +would run through all the four-letter names in the +language, and that he must eventually say something, +he agreed to let his “true love’s” name be +Mary. Then she continued her remarks: “You face +up Mary, you love Mary; Mary is a good girl. You +will marry Mary at last; but Mary is not now here—Mary<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span> +is far away; but do not fear, for you shall +have Mary.”</p> + +<p>Then she proposed to tell the name of our reporter +in the same mysterious manner, and on being told +that it contains eight letters, the first of which is “M,” +she turned to her register and again began to read. +It so happens that the proper names answering to the +description are very few, and the right one did not +happen to be on her list; so in a short time the +greasy prophetess became confused, and slipped off +the track entirely, and after asking about two hundred +names of various dimensions, from Mark to +Melchisedek, she gave it up in despair and glared +on her twelve-shilling patron as if she thought he was +trifling with her, and she would like to eat him up +alive for his presumption.</p> + +<p>Then she suddenly changed her mode of operation +and made the fearful remark: “Now you may wish +three wishes, and I will tell whether you will get +them or not.”</p> + +<p>She then laid out the cards into three piles, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span> +her visitor stated his wishes aloud, and received the +gratifying information in three instalments, that he +would live to be rich, to marry the light-haired +maiden, and to effectually smash the dark-complexioned +man.</p> + +<p>Then she said: “You may now wish one wish in +secret, and I will tell you whether you will get it.” +Our avaricious hero instantly wished for an enormous +amount of ready money, which she kindly +promised, but which he has not yet seen the color of.</p> + +<p>He asked about his prospective wives and children, +with unsatisfactory results. One wife and four children +was, she said, the outside limit. At this juncture +she began to wriggle uneasily in her chair, and her +considerate patron respected her “rheumatics” and +took his leave. This conference, although the results +may be read by a glib-tongued person in five +minutes, occupied more than three-quarters of an +hour—Madame Prewster’s diction being slow and +ponderous in proportion to her size.</p> + +<p>He now prepared to depart, and with a parting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span> +contortion of his countenance, of terrible malignity, +at the unfortunate baby, which caused that weird brat +to fling itself flat on its back and scream in agony of +fear, he informed the Madame with mock deference +that he would not wait any longer. He was then +attended to the door by the bellicose maiden, who +seemed to have fathomed his deep dealings with the +infuriate infant, and to be desirous of giving him +bloody battle in the hall, but as he had remarked that +she had a rolling-pin hidden under her apron, and +as he was somewhat awed by the sanguinary look of +her dish-cloth, he choked down his blood-thirstiness +and ingloriously retreated.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Wherein are related divers strange things of Madame Bruce,<br /> +the “Mysterious Veiled Lady,” of No.<br /> +513 Broome Street.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER III.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MADAME BRUCE, “THE MYSTERIOUS VEILED +LADY,” No. 513 BROOME STREET.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">The</span> woman who assumes the title of “The Mysterious +Veiled Lady,” is much younger in the Black +Art trade than Madame Prewster, and has only been +publicly known as a “Fortune-Teller” for about six +years. The mysterious veil is assumed partly for the +very mystery’s sake, and partly to hide a countenance +which some of her visitors might desire to identify on +after occasions. She confines herself more exclusively +to telling fortunes than do many of the others, and +has never yet made her appearance in a Police Court +to answer to an accusation of a grave crime. She +has many customers, and might have a respectable +account at the bank if she were disposed to commit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> +her moneys to the care of those careful institutions.</p> + +<p>It may be mentioned here, however, as a curious +fact, that although all the “witches” profess to be able +to “tell lucky numbers,” and will at any time give a +paying customer the exact figures which they are willing +to prophesy will draw the capital prize in any +given lottery, their skill invariably fails them when +they undertake to do anything in the wheel-of-fortune +way on their own individual behalf. No one of +the professional fortune-tellers was ever known to +draw a rich prize in a lottery, or to make a particularly +lucky “hit” on a policy number, notwithstanding +the fact that most of them make large investments +in those uncertain financial speculations. Madame +Bruce is no exception to this general rule, and the +propinquity of the “lottery agency” and the “policy-shop,” +just round the corner, must be accepted in +explanation of the fact that this gifted lady has no +balance in her favor at the banker’s.</p> + +<p>The quality of her magic and other interesting facts<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> +about her are best set forth in the words of the +anxious seeker after hidden lore, who paid her a visit +one pleasant afternoon in August.</p> + + +<h4>The “Individual” visits Madame Bruce and has a Conference +with that Mysterious Veiled Personage.</h4> + +<p>A man of strong nerves can recover from the +effects of a professional interview with the ponderous +Prewster in about a week; delicately organized persons, +particularly susceptible to supernatural influences, +might be so overpowered by the manifestations +of her cabalistic lore as to affect their appetites for a +whole lunar month, and have bad dreams till the +moon changed; but the daring traveller of this veracious +history was convalescent in ten days. It is true, +that, even after that time, he, in his dreams, would +imagine himself engaged in protracted single combats +with the heroine of the rolling-pin, and once or twice +awoke in an agony of fear, under the impression that he +had been worsted in the fight, and that the conquering +fair one was about to cook him in a steamer, or stew<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span> +him into charity soup, and season him strong with red +pepper; or broil him on a gridiron and serve him up +on toast to Madame Prewster, like a huge woodcock. +In one gastronomic nightmare of a dream he even +fancied that the triumphant maiden had tied him, hand +and foot, with links of sausages, then tapped his head +with an auger, screwed a brass faucet into his helpless +skull, and was preparing to draw off his brains in +small quantities to suit cannibalic retail customers.</p> + +<p>But he eventually recovered his equanimity, his +nocturnal visions of the warlike servant became less +terrible, and he gradually ceased to think of her, except +with a dim sort of half-way remembrance, as of +some fearful danger, from which many years before +he had been miraculously preserved.</p> + +<p>When he had reached this state of mind, he was +ready to proceed with his inquiries into the mysteries +of the cheap and nasty necromancy of the day, and +to encounter the rest of the fifty-cent Sybils with an +unperturbed spirit. Accordingly, he girded up his +loins, and prepared the necessary amount of one dollar<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span> +bills; for, with a most politic and necessary carefulness, +he always made his own change.</p> + +<p>[Note of caution to the future observer of these +Modern Witches: Never let one of them “break” a +large bank-bill for you, and give you small notes in +exchange, lest the small bills be much more badly +broken than the large one. Not that the witches’ +money, like the fairies’ gold, will be likely to turn +into chips and pebbles in your pocket, but all these +fortune-tellers are expert passers of counterfeit and +broken bank-notes and bogus coin; and they never +lose an opportunity thus to victimize a customer.]</p> + +<p>Fortified with dinner, dessert, and cigars, the cash +customer departed on his voyage of discovery in +search of “<span class="smcap">Madame Bruce, The Mysterious Veiled +Lady</span>,” who carries on all the business she can get by +the subjoined advertisement:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Astonishing to All.</span>-Madame <span class="smcap">Bruce</span>, the Mysterious Veiled +Lady, can be consulted on all events of life, at No. 513 Broome +st., one door from Thompson. She is a second-sight seer, and +was born with a natural gift.”</p></div> + +<p>The “Individual,” modestly speaking of himself in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> +the third person, admits that, being then a single man +of some respectability, he was at that very period +looking out for a profitable partner of his bosom, sorrows, +joys, and expenses. He naturally preferred one +who could do something towards taking a share of the +expensive responsibility of a family off his hands, +and was not disposed to object to one who was even +afflicted with money;—next to that woman, whom he +had not yet discovered, a lady with a “natural gift” +for money-making was evidently the most eligible of +matrimonial speculations. Whether he really cherished +an humble hope that the veil of Madame Bruce +might be of semi-transparent stuff, and that she might +discover and be smitten by his manly charms, and ask +his hand in marriage, and eventually bear him away, +a blushing husband, to the altar, or whatever might be +hastily substituted for that connubial convenience, +will never be officially known to the world. Certain +it is that he expected great results of some sort to +eventuate from his visit to this obnubilated prophetess,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span> +and that he paid extraordinary attention to the decoration +of the external homo, and to the administration +of encouraging stimuli to the inner individual, probably +with a view to submerge, for the time, his characteristic +bashfulness, before he set out to visit the fair +inscrutable of Broome-street.</p> + +<p>The nature of his secret cogitations, as he walked +along, was somewhat as follows, though he himself +has never before revealed the same to mortal man.</p> + +<p>He was of course uncertain as to her personal +attractiveness; owing to that mysterious veil there +was a doubt as to her surpassing beauty. At any +rate he did not regret the time spent on his toilet.</p> + +<p>Madame Bruce might be a lady of the most transcendent +loveliness, or she might possess a countenance +after the style of Mokanna, the Veiled Prophet; +in either case, a clean shirt collar and a little +extra polish on the boots would be a touching tribute +of respect. He thought over the stories of the Oriental +ladies, so charmingly and complexly described +in the “Arabian Nights’ Entertainments,” and in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span> +some strange way he connected Madame Bruce with +Eastern associations; he remembered that in Asiatic +countries the arts of enchantment are the staple of +fashionable female education; that the women imbibe +the elements of magic from their wet nurses, and that +their power of charming is gradually and surely developed +by years and competent instructors, until +they are able to go forth into the world, and raise the +devil on their own hook.</p> + +<p>In this case the veil was of the East, Eastern; and +what was more probable than that the “Mysterious +Veiled Lady” was that fascinating Oriental young +woman whose attainments in magic made her the dire +terror of her enemies, most of whom she changed into +pigs, and oxen, and monkeys, and other useful domestic +animals; who had transformed her unruly grandfather +into a cat of the species called Tom; had metamorphosed +her vicious aunt into a screech-owl, and +had turned an ungentlemanly second-cousin into a +one-eyed donkey.</p> + +<p>What a treasure, thought the “Individual,” would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span> +such an accomplished wife be in republican America,—how +exceedingly useful in the case of her husband’s +rivals for Custom-house honors, and how invaluable +when creditors become clamorous. What a +perfect treasure would a wife be who could turn a +clamorous butcher into spring lamb, and his brown +apron and leather breeches into the indispensable peas +and mint-sauce to eat him with; who could make the +rascally baker instantly become a green parrot with +only power to say, “Pretty Polly wants a cracker;” +who could transform the dunning tailor into a greater +goose than any in his own shop; who could go to +Stewart’s, buy a couple of thousands of dollars’ worth +of goods, and then turn the clerks into cockroaches, +and scrunch them with her little gaiter if they interfered +with her walking off with the plunder; or who, +in the event of a scarcity of money, could invite a +select party of fifty or sixty friends to a nice little +dinner, and then change the whole lot into lions, +tigers, giraffes, elephants, and ostriches, and sell the +entire batch to Van Amburgh & Co. at a high premium,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span> +as a freshly imported menagerie, all very fat +and valuable.</p> + +<p>Then he came down from this rather elevated flight +of fancy, and filled away on another tack. Before he +reached the house he had fully made up his mind +that Madame Bruce, the Mysterious Veiled Lady, +must be a stray Oriental Princess in reduced circumstances, +cruelly thrust from the paternal mansion by +the infuriated proprietor, her father, and compelled to +seek her fortune in a strange land. He had never +seen a princess, and he resolved to treat this one with +all respect and loyal veneration; to do this, if possible, +without compromising his conscience as a republican +and a voter in the tenth ward,—but to do it at +all hazards.</p> + +<p>The immense fortune which would undoubtedly be +hers in the event of the relenting of her brutal though +opulent father, suggested the feasibility of a future +elopement, and a legal marriage, according to the +forms of any country that she preferred—he couldn’t +bethink him of a Persian justice of the peace, but he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> +did not despair of being able to manage it to her +entire and perfect satisfaction.</p> + +<p>Her undoubted great misfortunes had touched his +tender heart. He would see this suffering Princess—he +would tender his sympathy and offer his hand and +the fortune he hoped she would be able to make for +him. If this was haughtily declined there would +still remain the poor privilege of buying a dose of +magic, paying the price in current money, and letting +her make her own change.</p> + +<p>Having matured this disinterested resolve, he proceeded +calmly on his journey, wondering as he walked +along, whether, in the event of a gracious reception +by his Princess, it would be more courtly and correct +to kneel on both knees, or to make an Oriental cushion +of his overcoat and sit down cross-legged on the floor.</p> + +<p>This knotty point was not settled to his entire +satisfaction when he reached that lovely portion of +fairy-land near the angle of Broome and Thompson +streets. The Princess had taken up her temporary +residence in the tenant-house No. 513 Broome,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span> +which, elegant mansion affords a refuge to about +seventeen other families, mostly Hibernian, without +very high pretensions to aristocracy.</p> + +<p>His ring at the door of the noble mansion was +answered by a grizzly woman speaking French very +badly broken, in fact irreparably fractured. This +grizzly Gaul let him into the house, heard his request +to see Madame Bruce, and then she called to a shock-headed +boy who was looking over the bannisters, to +come and take the visitor in charge.</p> + +<p>Two minutes’ observation convinced the distinguished +caller that the servants of the Princess were +not particular in the matter of dirt.</p> + +<p>The walls were stained, discolored, and bedaubed, +and the floor had a sufficient thickness of soil for a +vegetable garden; at one end of the hall, indeed, an +Irish woman was on her knees, making experimental +excavations, possibly with a view to planting early +lettuce and peppergrass.</p> + +<p>A glance at the shock-headed boy showed a +peculiarity in his visual organs; his eyes, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> +were black naturally, had evidently suffered in some +kind of a fisticuff demonstration, and one of them +still showed the marks; it was twice black, naturally +and artificially; it had a dual nigritude, and might, +perhaps, be called a double-barrelled black eye. This +pleasant young man conducted his visitor to the top +of the first flight of stairs, where he said, “Please +stop here a minute,” and disappeared into the Princess’s +room, leaving her devoted slave alone in the +hall with two aged washtubs and a battered broom. +There ensued an immediate flurry in the rooms of +the Princess, and the customer thought of the forty +black slaves, with jars of jewels on their heads, who, +in Oriental countries, are in the habit of receiving +princesses’ visitors with all the honors. He hardly +thought to see the forty black slaves, with the jars of +gems, but rather expected the shock-headed youth +to presently reappear, with a mug of rubies, or a +kettle of sapphires and emeralds, and invite him in +courtly language to help himself to a few—or, that +that active young man would presently come out with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span> +an amethyst snuff-box full of diamond-dust and ask +him to take a pinch, and then present him with that +expensive article as a slight token of respect from +the Princess.</p> + +<p>“Not so, not so, my child.”</p> + +<p>The great shuffling and pitching about of things +continued, as if the furniture had been indulging in an +extemporaneous jig, and couldn’t stop on so short a +notice, or else objected to any interruption of the +festivities.</p> + +<p>Finally the rattling of chairs and tables subsided +into a calm, and the boy reappeared. He came, however, +without the tea-kettle full of valuables, and +minus even the snuff-box; he merely remarked, with +an insinuating wink of the lightest-colored eye, +“Please to walk this way.”</p> + +<p>It <i>did</i> please his auditor to walk in the designated +direction, and he entered the room, when the eye +spoke again to a very low accompaniment of the +voice, as if he was afraid he might damage that organ +by playing on it too loudly.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span></p> + +<p>The anxious visitor looked for the Princess, but +not seeing her, or the slaves with the pots of jewels, +and observing, also, that the chairs were not too luxuriously +gorgeous for people to sit on, he sat down.</p> + +<p>A single glance convinced him that the Princess +could have had no opportunity to carry off her jewels +from her eastern home, or that she must have spent +the proceeds before she furnished her present domicile. +An iron bedstead, a small cooking-stove, four +chairs, and a table, on which the breakfast crockery +stood unwashed, was the amount of the furniture. A +dirty slatternly young woman of about twenty-three +years, with filthy hands and uncombed hair, and whose +clothes looked as if they had been tossed on with a +pitchfork, seated herself in one of the chairs and commenced +conversation—not in Persian. It was one +o’clock, <small>P.M.</small>, but she attempted an apology for the +unmade bed, the unswept room, the unwashed breakfast +dishes, and the untidy appearance of everything. +Before she had concluded her fruitless explanation, +the boy with the variegated eye suddenly came from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span> +a closet which the customer had not noticed and was +unprepared for, and said, in winning tones, “Please +to walk in this room,” which was done, with some +fear and no little trembling, whereupon the optical +youth incontinently vanished.</p> + +<p>At last, then, the imaginative visitor stood in the +presence of royalty, and beheld the wronged Princess +of his heart. He was about to drop on his bended +knees to pay his premeditated homage, but a hurried +glance at the floor showed that such a course of proceeding +would result in the ineffaceable soiling of his +best pantaloons; so he stood sturdily erect.</p> + +<p>Before he suffered his eyes to rest upon the peerless +beauty who, he was convinced, stood before him, he +took a survey of the regal apartment.</p> + +<p>An unpainted pine table stood in the corner, a gaudily +colored shade was at the window, and an iron +single bedstead upon which the clothes had been hastily +“spread up,” and two chairs, on one of which sat +the enchantress, completed the list.</p> + +<p>The Princess was attired in deep black, and a thick<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span> +black veil, reaching from her head to her waist, entirely +concealed her features from the beholders who +still devoutly believed in her royal birth and cruel +misfortunes—nor was this belief dissipated until she +spoke; but when she called “Pete” to the double-barrelled +youth with the eye, and gave him a “blowing +up” in the most emphatic kind of English for not +bringing her pocket-handkerchief, then the beautiful +Princess of his imagination vanished into the thinnest +kind of air, and there remained only the unromantic +reality of a very vulgar woman, in a very dirty +dress, and who had a very bad cold in her head. +There was still a hope that she might be pretty, and +her would-be admirer fervently trusted that she might +be compelled to lift her veil to blow her nose, but she +didn’t do it. Then he offered her his hand, not in +marriage, but for her to read his fortune in, and stood, +no longer trembling with expectation, but with stony +indifference, for as he approached her, a strong odor +of an onion-laden breath from beneath the veil, gave +the death-blow to the fair creature of his imagination,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span> +and convinced him that he had got the wrong —— +Princess by the fist. She looked at him closely for a +couple of minutes, and then spoke these words—the +peculiar pronunciation being probably induced by the +cold in her head.</p> + +<p>“You are a badd who has saw a great beddy chadges +add it seebs here as if you was goidg to be bore +settled in the future—it seebs here like as if you had +sobetibes in your life beed very buch cast dowd, but +it seebs here like as if you had always got up agaid.—It +seebs here like as if you had saw id your past life +sobe lady what you liked very buch add had beed +disappointed—it seebs here like as if there was two +barriages for you, wud id a very short tibe—wud lady +seebs here to stadd very dear to you, add you two bay +be barried or you bay dot—if you are dot already +barried you will be very sood—it seebs here as if you +woulddt have a very large fabily—five childred will +be all that you will have—you will have a good deal +of buddy (money) id your life—sobe of your relatives +what you dever have saw will sood die add leave you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span> +sobe property—but you will dot be expectidg it add +it seebs here as if you would have trouble id getting +it, for there will sobe wud else try to get it away frob +you—it seebs as if the lady you will barry will dot be +too dark cobplexiod, dor yet too light—dot too tall, +dor yet very short, dot too large, dor too thid—she +thidks a great deal of you, bore thad you do of her,—you +have already saw her id the course of your life, +and she loves you very buch. There are people about +you id your busidess who are dot so buch your friends +as they preted to be—you are goidg to bake sub +chadge id your busidess, it will be a good thidg for +you add will cub out buch better thad you expect.”</p> + +<p>Here she stopped and intimated that she would answer +any questions that her customer desired to ask, +and in reply to his interrogatories the following important +information was elicited:</p> + +<p>“You will be lodg lived, add you will have two +wives, add will live beddy years with your first wife.”</p> + +<p>The “Individual” proclaimed himself satisfied, and +paid his money, whereupon Madame Bruce instantly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span> +yelled “Pete,” when the Eye-Boy reappeared to show +the door, and the Cash Customer departed, leaving the +Mysterious Veiled Lady shivering on her stool, and +exceedingly desirous of an opportunity to use her +pocket-handkerchief.</p> + +<p>And this is all there was of the Persian Princess. +As the seeker after wisdom went away he made one +single audible remark by way of consoling himself for +his crushed hopes and blighted anonymous love. It +was to this effect. “I believe she squints, and I <i>know</i> +she’s got bad teeth.”</p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Relates the marvellous performances of Madame Widger,<br /> +of No. 3, First Avenue, and how she looks<br /> +into the future through a Paving-Stone.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER IV.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MADAME WIDGER, No. 3 FIRST AVENUE.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">Madame Widger</span> came from Albany to this city +about four years ago, and at once set up as an “Astrologer.” +She has been a “witch” for a great many +years, and has, directly and indirectly, done about as +much mischief as it is possible for one person to accomplish +in the same length of time. She was a woman +of great repute in and about Albany, as a fortune-teller, +and was supposed to be conversant with practices +more criminal. She at last became so well +known as a bad woman, that she found it advisable to +leave Albany, after she had settled certain lawsuits in +which she had become entangled.</p> + +<p>Among other speculations of hers, in that place, +she once sued the city to recover indemnifying moneys<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span> +for certain imaginary damages, alleged to have +been done to her property by the unbidden entrance +of the river into her private apartments, during one +of the periodical inundations with which Albany is +favored. By the shrewd management of certain of +her lawyer friends with whom she had business dealings, +she at last got a judgment against the city, but, +owing to some other awkward law complications, it +became expedient to change her place of residence +before she had collected her money, and the amount +remains unpaid to this day.</p> + +<p>She then came to this city, and set up in the Sorceress +way, and, by dint of advertising, she soon got a +good many customers. She now has as much to do +as she can easily manage to get along with, is making +a good deal of money by “Astrology,” and by other +more unscrupulous means; and she is probably worth +some considerable property. She is a bold, brazen, +ignorant, unscrupulous, dangerous woman. She has +some peculiar ways of her own in telling the fortunes +of her visitors, and is the only person in the city who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span> +professes to read the future through a magic stone, or +“second-sight pebble.” Her manner of using this +wonderful geological specimen is fully described hereafter.</p> + + +<h4>The “Individual” Visits a Grim Witch, who reads his Future +through a Moderate-Sized Paving-Stone.</h4> + +<p>Disappointed in his fond hope of discovering, in the +person of Madame Bruce, an eligible partner, who +should bridal him and lead him coyly to the altar, +that bourne from which no bachelor returns, the Cash +Customer was for many days downcast in his demeanor +and neglectful of his person. When he eventually +recovered from his strong attack of Madame Bruce, +he was not by any means cured of his romantic +desire to procure a witch wife. He had carefully +figured up the conveniences of such an article, and +the sum total was an irresistible argument.</p> + +<p>If he could win a witch of the right sort, perhaps +she could teach him the secret of the Philosopher’s +Stone, and the Elixir of Life, and show him the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span> +locality of the Fountain of Youth, so that he could +take the wrinkles out of himself and his friends, at +the cost of only a short journey by rail-road. A barrel +or so of that wonderful water, peddled out by the +bottle, would meet a readier sale and pay a larger +profit than any Paphian Lotion that was ever advertised +on the rocks of Jersey. All this, to say nothing +of a family of young wizards and sorcerers, who could, +by virtue of the maternal magic, swallow swords from +the day of their birth, do mighty feats of legerdemain, +such as cutting off the heads of innumerable pigs and +chickens, and producing the decapitated animals alive +again from the coat-tails of the bystanders, to the +astonishment of the crowd and the great emolument +of their proud dad. Even if these profitable babies +should not be natural necromancers, with the power +of second sight, and any quantity of “natural gifts,” +they must surely be spirit-rappers of the most lucrative +“sphere,” capable of organizing “circles,” and +instructing “mediums,” and otherwise bringing into +the family fund large piles of that circulating medium<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span> +so much to be desired. Or, even failing this +popular gift, they <i>must</i> all be born with some strong +instincts of money-making vagabondism. If the girls +failed in fortune-telling they would certainly have a +genius for the tight-rope, or a decided talent for the +female circus and negro-minstrel business; and the +boys would be brought into the world with the power +of throwing a miraculous number of consecutive flip-flaps—of +putting cocked hats on their juvenile heads +while turning somersets over long rows of Arab +steeds of the desert—of poising their infant bodies on +pyramids of bottles, and drinking glasses of molasses +and water, under the contemptible subterfuge of wine, +to the health of the terror-stricken beholders—or of +climbing to the tops of very tall poles without soiling +their spangled dresses, and there displaying their +anatomy for the admiration of the gazing multitude, +in divers attitudes, for the most part extraordinarily +wrong side up with very particular care—or, at least, +they would be born with the astounding gift of tying +their young legs in double bow-knots across the backs<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span> +of their adolescent necks, and while in that graceful +position kissing their little fingers to the bewildered +audience.</p> + +<p>Under the constant influence of such comfortable +and ennobling thoughts, it is not in the elastic nature +of the human mind to remain long dejected. In the +contemplation of the future glories of his might-be +wife and possible family, the “Individual” recovered +somewhat of his former gaiety. Remembering that +“Care killed a cat,” he resolved that he would not be +chronicled as a second victim, so he kicked Care out +of doors, so to speak, and warned Despair and Discouragement +off the premises.</p> + +<p>He attired him in his best, and appeared once +more before the world in the joyful garb of a man +with Hope in his heart and money in his pantaloons. +In fact, so radiant did he appear, that he might have +been set down for a person who had just had a new +main of joy laid on in his heart, and had turned the +cocks of all the pipes, and let on the full head just +to see how the new apparatus worked. Or, as if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span> +he’d been in a shower-bath of good-nature, and +come out dripping.</p> + +<p>He also took kindly to that innocuous beverage, +lager bier, which was a good sign in itself, inasmuch +as he had, for a few days, been drinking as +many varieties of strong drinks, as if he’d been +brought up on Professor Anderson’s Inexhaustible +Bottle, and had never overcome the influences of his +infant education.</p> + +<p>Seeking out a friend to whom he confided his +hopes of a lucrative wife and a profitable progeny, +the Cash Customer suggested that they proceed immediately +in search of the fair enchantress who was +to be his comfort and consolation, for the rest of his +respectable life.</p> + +<p>Being somewhat disgusted with the result of his +visit to the witch with the romantic designation of +the “Mysterious Veiled Lady,” he had determined +to seek out one on this occasion with the most common-place +and every-day cognomen, in the whole +list. There being a Madame Widger in that delightful<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span> +catalogue, of course Widger was the one selected. +It is true, she sometimes advertised herself as the +“Mysterious Spanish Lady,” but in the judgment of +the Individual, the Widger was too much for the +Spanish and the mystery.</p> + +<p>So Madame Widger was resolved on. Her modest +advertisement is given, that the impartial reader +may be brought to acknowledge that the inducements +to wed the Widger were not of the common +order.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Madame Widger</span>, the Natural-Gifted Astrologist, Second-Sight +Seer and Doctress, tells past, present, and future events; +love, courtship, marriage, absent friends, sickness; prescribes +medicines for all diseases, property lost or stolen, at No. 3 First-av., +near Houston-st.”</p></div> + +<p>The slight lack of perspicuity in this announcement +seems to be a mysterious peculiarity, common +to all the Fortune Tellers, as if they were all imbued +with the same commendable contempt for all the +rules of English grammar.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span></p> + +<p>The voyager being attired in a captivating costume, +and being also provided with pencils and paper to +make a life-sketch, with a view to an expansive portrait +of his enslaver, whose beauty was with him a foregone +conclusion, set out with his faithful friend for the delightful +locality mentioned in the advertisement, where +the charming Circe, Widger, held her magic court.</p> + +<p>He was not aware, at that time, that his intended +bride was not a blushing blooming maiden, but an +ancient dame, whose very wrinkles date back into +the eighteenth century. But of that hereafter.</p> + +<p>He was determined to have her tell his “love, +courtship, or marriage, absent friends, or sickness,” +and to insist that she should “prescribe medicines +for property lost or stolen,” according to the exact +wording of the advertisement.</p> + +<p>The doughty “Individual” trembled somewhat, +with an undefined sensation of awe, as though some +fearful ordeal was before him—to use his own elegant +and forcible language, he felt as though he was going +to encounter an earthquake with volcano trimmings.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span></p> + +<p>“It is the fluttering of new-born love in your manly +bosom,” remarked his companion.</p> + +<p>“Well,” was the reply, “if a baby love kicks so +very like a horse of vicious propensities, a full-grown +Cupid would be so unmanageable as to defy the very +Rarey and all his works.”</p> + +<p>Without any noteworthy adventure they kept on +their way to the First Avenue, and in due time stood, +awe-struck, before the mansion of the enchantress.</p> + +<p>After the first impression had worn off, the scene +was somewhat stripped of its mysteriousness, and +assumed an aspect commonplace, not to say seedy. +As soon as the sense of bewilderment with which they +at first gazed upon the domicile of the mysterious +damsel so favored of the fates, had passed away, they +found themselves in a condition to make the observations +of the place and its surroundings that are +detailed below.</p> + +<p>The house, a three-story brick, seemed to have that +architectural disease which is a perpetual epidemic +among the tenant-houses of the city, and which makes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span> +them look as if they had all been dipped in a strong +solution of something that had taken the skin off. +The paint was blistered and peeling off in flakes; the +blinds were hanging cornerwise by solitary hinges; the +shingles were starting from their places with a strange +air of disquietude, as if some mighty hand had stroked +them the wrong way; the door-steps were shaky and +crazy in the knees; the door itself had a curious air +of debility and emaciation, and the bell-knob was too +weak to return to its place after it had feebly done its +brazen duty. There was no door-plate, but on a battered +tin sign was blazoned, in fat letters, the mystic +word “Widger.” The Cash Customer rang the bell, +not once merely, or twice, but continuously, in pursuance +of a dogma which he laid down as follows:</p> + +<p>“It is a mistake to ever stop ringing till somebody +comes. The feebler you ring, the more the servants +think you’re a dun, and therefore the more they don’t +come to let you in—but if you keep it up regularly +they’ll think you’re a rich relation and will rush to the +rescue.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span>”</p> + +<p>So he kept on, and the voice of the bell sharply +clattered through the dismal old house, making as +much noise as if it suddenly wakened a thousand +echoes that had been locked up there for many years +without the power to speak till now. If a timid ring +denotes a dun, and a boisterous one a rich relation, +then must the inhabitants of that cleanly suburb have +been convinced that the present performer on the bell +not only had no claims as a creditor on the people of +the house, but was a rich California uncle, come to give +each adult member of that happy family a gold mine +or so, and to distribute a cart-load of diamonds among +the children.</p> + +<p>The door at last was opened by an uncertain old +man with very weak eyes, who appeared to have, in +a milder form, the same malady which afflicted the +house; perhaps he was a twin, and suffered from brotherly +sympathy—at any rate the dilapidating disease +had touched him sorely; its ravages were particularly +noticeable in the toes of his boots and the elbows of +his coat. Violent remedies had evidently been applied<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span> +in the latter case, but the patches were of different +colors, and suggestive of the rag-bag; the boots +were past hope of convalescence; his shirt-collar was +sunk under a greasy billow of a neckcloth, and only +one slender string was visible to show where it had +gone down; the nether garment was a ragged wreck, +that set a hundred tattered sails to every breeze, but +was anchored fast at the shoulder with a single disreputable +suspender.</p> + +<p>Guided by this equivocal individual the two visitors +entered a small shabbily furnished room, and bestowed +themselves in a couple of treacherous chairs, +in pursuance of an imbecile invitation from the battered +old gentleman.</p> + +<p>The anticipations of the enthusiastic lover again +began to fall, and in five minutes his heart, which so +lately was “burning with high hope,” was so cold as +to be uncomfortable.</p> + +<p>On a seven-by-nine cooking-stove, which three pints +of coal would have driven blazing crazy, stood a +diminutive iron kettle, in which something was noisily<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span> +stewing; the something may have been a decoction +of magic herbs, or it may have been Madame +Widger’s dinner. A tumble-down trunk in a corner +of the room did precarious duty for a chair; a faded +carpet hid the floor; a cheap rocking-chair in the act +of moulting its upholstery spread its luxurious arms +invitingly near the dim window; and a table, on +which a pack of German playing cards was coyly half +concealed by a newspaper, a coal-hod, and a poker, +completed the necessary furnishing of the apartment.</p> + +<p>The ornaments are soon inventoried; a certificate +of membership of the New York State Agricultural +Society, given at Albany to Mr. M. G. Bivins, hung +in a cheap frame over the table. The other decorations +were a few prints of high-colored saints, an +engraving of a purple Virgin Mary with a pea-green +child, and a picture of a blue Joseph being sold by +yellow brethren to a crowd of scarlet merchants who +were paying for him with money that looked like +peppermint lozenges.</p> + +<p>Madame Widger, the “Mysterious Spanish Lady,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span>” +was not at first visible to the naked eye, but a loud, +shrill, vicious voice, which made itself heard through +the partition dividing the reception-room from some +apartment as yet unexplored by them, directed the +attention of her visitors to her exact locality.</p> + +<p>She was “engaged” with another gentleman, said +the knight of the ragged inexpressibles.</p> + +<p>Had not what he had already seen of the mansion +decidedly cooled the passion of the love-lorn customer, +this intelligence would have been likely to +rouse his ire against the interloping swain, and make +him pant for vengeance and fistic damages to the +other party; but in his present confused state of mind +he received this blow with philosophic indifference.</p> + +<p>The old man subsided into a chair, and in a weak +sort of way began to talk, evidently with some insane +idea of pleasingly filling up the time until the prophetess +should be disengaged. His conversation +seemed to run to disasters, with a particular partiality +to shipwrecks. He accordingly detailed, with wonderful +exactness, the perils encountered by a certain<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span> +canal-boat of his, “loaded principally with butter and +cheese,” during a dangerous voyage from Albany to +New York, and which was finally brought safely to +a secure harbor by the power of the Widger, which +circumstance had made him her slave for life.</p> + +<p>The shrill voice then ceased, and the person to +whom it had been addressed came forth. The lime +on his blue jean garments, and the cloudy appearance +of his boots, declared him to be something in the +mason line. He deported himself with becoming +reverence, and departed in apparent awe. He did not +look like a dangerous rival, and he was not molested.</p> + +<p>A discreditable and disordered head now thrust +itself out of the mysterious closet, opened its mouth, +and the vicious voice said: “I will see you now, sir.” +The sighing swain, with a fluttering heart and +unsteady steps, summoned his courage and entered +the place, to him as mysterious as was Bluebeard’s +golden-keyed closet to his ninth wife. The first +glance at Madame Widger at once scattered again all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span> +his dreams of love and of happiness with that potent +and fearful female.</p> + +<p>He encountered a cadaverous bony-looking woman, +very tall, very old, though with hair still black; with +grey eyes, and false gleaming teeth. She was attired +in calico; quality, ten cents a yard; appearance, +dirty. Hardly was the door closed, when the vicious +voice spitefully remarked, “Sit down, sir;” and a +skinny finger pointed to a cane-bottomed chair. +While seating himself and taking off his gloves, he +took an observation.</p> + +<p>The apartment was not large; in an unfurnished +state, a moderately-hooped belle might have stood in +it without serious damage to her outskirts, but there +would be little extra room for any enterprising +adventurer to circumnavigate her. In one corner +was a small pine light-stand, on which was a sceptical +looking Bible, with a very black brass key tied in it; +a volume of Cowper bound in full calf; a little lamp +with a single lighted wick, and a pile of the Madame’s +business hand-bills.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span></p> + +<p>She at once showed her experience of human nature +and her distrust of her present visitor by her practical +and matter-of-fact conduct.</p> + +<p>She sat uncomfortably down on the very edge of +an angular chair, folded her hands, shut herself half +up like a jack-knife, and the vicious voice mentioned +this fearful fact: “My terms are a dollar for gentlemen;” +and the grey eyes stonily stared until the +dollar aforesaid was produced.</p> + +<p>The voice then prepared for business by sundry +“Ahems!” and when fairly in working order +it proceeded: “Give me your hand—your <i>left</i> +hand.”</p> + +<p>The Widger took the extended palm in her shrivelled +fingers and made four rapid dabs in the middle of +it with the forefinger of her other hand, as if she were +scornfully pointing out defects in its workmanship; +then she opened the drawer of the little stand with a +spiteful jerk, and withdrew thence something which +she put to her sinister optic, and began rapidly screwing +it round with both hands, as if she had got water<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span> +on the brain and was trying to tap herself in +the eye.</p> + +<p>Then the vicious voice began, in a loud mechanical +manner, to speak with the greatest volubility, running +the sentences together, and not thinking of a comma +or a period till her breath was exhausted, in a manner +that would have fairly distanced Susan Nipper +herself, even if that rapid young lady had twenty +seconds the start.</p> + +<p>“I see by looking in this stone that you was born +under two planets one is the planet Mars you will die +under the planet Jupiter but it won’t be this year or +next you have seen a great deal of trouble and misfortune +in your past life but better days are surely in store +for you you have passed through many things which +if written in a book would make a most interesting +volume I see by looking more closely in the stone that +you are about to receive two letters one a business +letter the other a let—”</p> + +<p>Here her breath failed, and as soon as it came back +the voice continued<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span>—</p> + +<p>“ter from a friend it is written very closely and +is crossed I see by looking more closely in the stone +that one of the letters will contain news which will +distress you exceedingly for a little while but you +need not be troubled for it will all be for your good +you are soon to have an interview with a man of +light hair and blue eyes who will profess great +interest in you but he will get the advantage of you +if he can you must beware of him I see by looking +more closely in the stone that you will live to be +68 years old but you will die before you are 70.” +Here was another station where the locomotive voice +stopped to take in air, and then instantly dashed +ahead at a greater speed than ever. “I see by +looking more closely in the stone that good luck +will befall you a near friend will die and leave you +a fortune I see by looking more closely in the +stone that this will happen to you when you are +between 32 and 34 years old that is all I see in this +stone.”</p> + +<p>Another grab brought from the little drawer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span> +another pebble, which the Madame placed at her +eye, the boring operation was recommenced, and +the vicious voice once more got up steam.</p> + +<p>“I see by looking closely in this stone that you will +have two wives one will be blue-eyed and the other +will be black-eyed with the first one you will not live +long but with the last one you will be happy many +years I see by looking more closely in the stone that +you will have six children which will be very comfortable +the lady who is to be your first wife is at +this moment thinking of you I see by looking more +closely in the stone that a man with light hair and +blue eyes is trying to get her away from you but she +scorns him and turns away I see by looking more +closely in the stone that she has a strong feeling for +you you need not fear the man with light hair and +blue eyes for you will get her you and you only will +possess her heart I see by looking more closely in the +stone that she is good gentle kind loving affectionate +true-hearted and pleasant.”</p> + +<p>(The vicious voice resented each one of these good-natured<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span> +adjectives, as if it had been a gross personal +insult to the Widger, and spit them spitefully at her +trembling customer, as if they tasted badly in her +mouth.)</p> + +<p>“and will make you a good wife; you will be rich +and happy you will be successful in business you +will be hereafter always lucky you will be distinguished +you will be eminent you will be good you +will be respected you will be beloved honored cherished +and will reach a good old age I see by looking +in this stone—that is all I see by looking in this +stone.”</p> + +<p>Here she ceased, and choking down her indignation, +which had risen to a fearful pitch during +the complimentary peroration, she said, taking +up the equivocal Bible with the key tied in it, +“Take hold of the key with your finger, I will +give you one wish, if the book turns round you +will have your wish.” The guest took the key in +the required manner, and the Widger closed her eyes +and muttered something which may have been either<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span> +a prayer or a recipe for pickling red cabbage, for he +was unable to satisfy himself with any degree of +certainty what it was; at the appointed time the +book turned and the wish was therefore graciously +granted.</p> + +<p>Her hearer smiled his grimmest smile, and ventured +to inquire if his unknown rival was making any progress +in securing the affections of the lady in dispute, +and received the satisfying answer, “She scorns him +and turns away.” Reassured by this, the susceptible +individual mentally and fiercely defied the blue-eyed +intruder to do his worst, and with a reverential obeisance +left the presence. As he departed, the skinny +hand presented him with a handbill, but the vicious +voice was silent.</p> + +<p>Carefully conning the handbill as they slowly +departed from the august realm of the Madame, the +seekers of magic for the lowest cash price read the +following particulars:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“Madame Widger was born with this wonderful gift of +revealing the destinies of man, and she has revealed mysteries<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span> +that no mortal knew. She states that she advertises nothing +but what she can do with entire satisfaction to all who wish to +consult her.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">“Also, she will scan aright,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dreams and visions of the night.”<br /></span> +</div></div></div> + +<p>The tender inquirer went away in a desponding +mood. The Widger was out of the question as a +bride, “for she was old enough,” he said, “to have +been grandmother to his father’s uncle.”</p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Discourses of Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First Street,<br /> +Williamsburgh, and tells all that Nursing Sorceress<br /> +communicated to her Cash Customer.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER V.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MRS. PUGH, No. 102 SOUTH FIRST STREET, +WILLIAMSBURGH.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">It</span> is travelling a little away from home to go to +Williamsburgh in search of a witch, but there are +some peculiar circumstances about the present case, +that give it more than common interest. Mrs. Pugh +is not an <i>advertising</i> sorceress, but practises all her +magic slily, and generally under a promise of secresy, +which is exacted lest the fame of her fortune-telling +should come to the ears of certain respectable +families, who employ her as a nurse. She is much +resorted to by a number of young persons of both +sexes, and has considerable notoriety among the low +and ignorant classes as a practiser of the black art. +She is by no means the only “nurse” who is given<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span> +to this reprehensible practice, but very many of the +old women who officiate as professional nurses are +proficients in telling fortunes with cards, and with +the Bible and key, and are always glad of an opportunity +to exhibit their pretended skill. Being at +times received into families where there are daughters, +not grown up, they become most dangerous +persons if they are encouraged or permitted to +thus practise on the credulity of these young +girls.</p> + +<p>The mere encouragement of hurtful superstitious +notions is a great ill in itself, but is by no means the +extent of the evil done by some of these persons. +They not unfrequently take an active part in bringing +about meetings between unsuspecting girls and evil-disposed +men, thus paving the way to the wretchedness +and ruin of the former. More than one instance +is known, where the going astray of a loved daughter +can be traced directly to the mischievous teachings +of a fortune-telling nurse.</p> + +<p>These are the reasons that give the case of Mrs.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span> +Pugh an importance greater than attaches to many +others.</p> + +<p>It is right that people should know that a certain +degree of circumspection ought to be used, with +regard to moral character, as well as other qualifications, +in the selection of a nurse, lest a person +be employed who will work irreparable mischief +among the younger members of the family.</p> + + +<h4>The Individual calls on a Nursing Sorceress.</h4> + +<p>Who shall say that broomstick locomotion is a +lost art, and that steam has superseded magic in the +matter of travelling? Because no one of us has ever +encountered a witch on her basswood steed, shall we +presume to assert that witches no longer bestride basswood +steeds and make their nocturnal excursions to +blasted heaths, there to meet the devil in the social +midnight orgie, and kick up their withered heels in +the gay diabolical dance with other ancient females +of like kidney with themselves? Because no one of +us has ever beheld with his own personal optics, an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span> +old woman change herself into a black cat, shall we +therefore assert that the ancient dames of our own +day are unable to accomplish that feline transformation? +“Not by no manner of means whatsomdever,” +as Mr. Weller would remark.</p> + +<p>Let us not then be found without charity for the +peculiar and persistent faith of the hero of this book, +who, though thrice bitterly disappointed in his matrimonial +speculations among the witches, still clung +to the fond belief that a bride with supernatural +powers of doing things would be a splendid speculation, +and that such a spouse could be found if he, her +ardent lover, did not give up the chase too soon. +Spite of his disappointment with Madame Bruce, and +his crushing discomfiture with Madame Widger, +Hope still sprang eternal in the “Individual’s” +breast, and he felt, like the immortal Mr. Brown +of classic verse, that it would “never do to give it +up so.”</p> + +<p>He had something of a natural turn for mechanics, +and having been of late engaged in some entertaining<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span> +speculations on steam engines, he came not unnaturally +to think of the wonderful advantage the magically-endowed +people of old had over the present age +in the matter of locomotion. He thought of that +wonderful carpet on which a jolly little party had but +to seat themselves and wish to be transported to any +far-off spot, and presto! change! there they were +instanter. No collisions to be feared; no running +off the track at a speed of ever-so-many unaccountable +miles an hour; no cast-iron-voiced conductor at +short intervals demanding tickets; no old women +with sour babies; no obtrusive boys with double-priced +books and magazines; no other boys with +peanuts, apples, and pop-corn; nothing, in fact, save +one’s own social circle but a civil genie, not of Irish +extraction, to fly alongside to mix the juleps and +carry the morning paper.</p> + +<p>It was very natural to consider whether there +wasn’t a yard or two left somewhere of that valuable +carpet, and to regret that on the whole probably the +original owners had occasion to use the entire piece.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span></p> + +<p>Then the thought was very naturally suggested of +the marvellous wooden horse with the pegs in his +neck, who soared with his riders a great deal higher +than does Mr. Wise in his clumsy balloon, and +always came down a great deal easier than ever +Mr. Wise did yet. Of course the Cash Customer was +from the start perfectly convinced that <i>that</i> breed of +horses is long since extinct, so long ago that no +record of them is now to be found in either the +“American Racing Calendar,” or the “English Stud +Book.”</p> + +<p>Then very naturally came thoughts of the broomstick +changes of the more modern witches. Perhaps, +he thought, these are the colts of the wooden horse, +degenerate, it is true, and lacking in the grace and +symmetry of their extraordinary sire, but still perhaps +not inferior in speed or in safety of carriage.</p> + +<p>The thought was a brilliant one, and it was really +worth while to inquire into the matter and pursue +this phantom steed until he was fairly hunted down +and bridled ready for use.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span></p> + +<p>It needed no long cogitation or extended argument +to convince Johannes, the “Individual,” the Cash +Customer, of the immense practical value of such a +steed, to say nothing of his costing nothing to keep, +and of its therefore being utterly impossible for him +to “eat his own head off,” and of his never growing +old, and of his never having any of the multitudinous +diseases that afflict ordinary horses without any intermixture +of magic blood, and therefore of it being out +of the question for anybody to cheat his owner in a +horse-trade.</p> + +<p>Why, only think of his value for livery purposes +in case his happy proprietor was disposed to let +other folks use him for a proper compensation. He +could of course be trained to carry double, and no +doubt Mr. Rarey, or some other person potent in +horse education, could easily break him to go in +harness.</p> + +<p>It wasn’t likely, Johannes cogitated, that the +judges would allow him to enter his ligneous racer +at the Fashion Course, so that he’d not get a chance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> +to win any money from Lancet and Flora Temple, +still there was a hope, even on that point.</p> + +<p>So, in search of the witch wife, whose dower +should be the broomstick horse, that should set the +fond couple up in business, started the sanguine +lover.</p> + +<p>Having had some experience of New York fortune-tellers +and others in the magic line, and not +thinking they were of the sort likely to have so +great a treasure, he started for the suburbs, and +crossed the ferry to Williamsburgh, in order to pay a +visit of inquiry, and if possible to take the initiatory +step in courting Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First +Street, in that city.</p> + +<p>He designed, of course, to buy a “fortune” at a +liberal price, for the purpose of setting the lady in +good-humor as a necessary preliminary step. He +really had hopes that she would prove to be of a +slightly different style from some of the New York +fortune-tellers, who seem to have mistaken their +profession and to be hardly up to reading the stars<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span> +with success, although they might be fully equal to +all the financial exigencies of an apple and peanut +stand, or might win an honorable distinction crying +“radishes and lettuce” in the early morning hours; +or upon trial, might, perhaps, evince a decided genius +for the rag-picking business, or preside over the fortunes +of a soap-fat cart with distinguished ability.</p> + +<p>Threading the winding ways of Williamsburgh is +by no means an easy task for one unaccustomed, and +it was only by incessantly stopping the passers-by and +making the most minute inquiries that this lady was +ever achieved at all.</p> + +<p>This constant questioning of the public revealed, +however, the fact that Mrs. Pugh does not by any +means depend upon her fortune-telling for her bread-and-butter; +she is a nurse, as many a Williamsburgh +baby could testify if it could command its emotions +long enough to speak. What will be the influence +of her supernaturalism and witchcraft upon the children +intrusted to her fostering care—whether they +will in after life prove to be devils, demi-gods, heroes,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span> +or mere ordinary “humans,” time alone can show. +This illustrious lady does not advertise in the newspapers; +in fact, her fortune-telling is done on the sly, +as if she were yet an apprentice, and a little ashamed +of her bungling jobs, for which, by the way, she only +charges half price. She is in a very undecided state, +and evidently undetermined whether her proper +vocation is tending babies or revealing the decrees +of the fates at twenty-five cents a head, and when +her visitors made their appearance she was puzzled to +know whether their business was baby or black art.</p> + +<p>Her exertions in either profession have not as yet +gained her a very large fortune, judging from the +surroundings of her eligible residence.</p> + +<p>The domicile of this chrysalis enchantress is a low +frame house of two stories, standing back from the +street, directly in the rear of another row of more +pretentious mansions, as if it had been sent into the +back yard in disgrace and never permitted to show +itself in good society again. It seems conscious of +its humiliation, and wears an air of architectural<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span> +dejection that is quite touching. A troop of dirty-faced +children was in the yard, and in the corner +was a pile of other household incumbrances, consisting +principally of mops and washtubs.</p> + +<p>Johannes critically examined this interesting collection, +but the wished-for broomstick was not there. +A modest rap brought to the door a large ill-favored +man with a red nose and a ponderous pair of boots, +whose speciality seemed to be drinking whatever +spirituous liquors were consumed about the establishment.</p> + +<p>Having passed this shirt-sleeved sentinel without +damage, though not without fear, the Cash Customer +sat down to take an observation.</p> + +<p>The wooden courser was not to be seen at first +glance. The room was a small irregularly-shaped +one, with an intrusive chimney jutting out into the +floor from one side, as if it were a sturdy brick-and-mortar +poor relation of the premises come a visiting +and not to be got rid of at any price. A small cooking-stove +was in the fireplace, with an attendant on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span> +either side in the shape of a battered coal-scuttle, and +a small saucepan full of charcoal; the floor was covered +with a dirty rag carpet that had long since outlived +its beauty and its usefulness, and was now in +the last extremity of a tattered old age; half-a-dozen +chairs of different patterns, all much shattered in +health and enfeebled by long years of labor, and a +decrepit lounge in the last stages of a decline, were +the seats reserved for visitors; the other furniture of +the room was an antique chest of drawers of a most +curious and complicated pattern—it seemed as if the +mechanic had been uncertain whether he was to construct +a bureau or a cow-shed, and had accordingly +satisfied his conscience by making half-a-dozen +drawers and building a sloping roof over them; the +joints were warped apart, and through the chinks +could be seen fragments of clean shirt, and ends of +lace, and bits of flannel, suggesting babies. At a +wink from the female, the male with the ponderous +boots retired from the presence.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Pugh is a woman of medium height and size,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span> +with a clear grey eye, and light hair, and wearing +that sycophantic smile peculiar to people who have +much to do with ugly babies whose beauty must be +constantly praised to the doting parents. She was +attired in a neat calico dress, constructed for family +use, and for the particular accommodation of the +younger members of the household.</p> + +<p>Johannes, who had been taking a sly look, had +made up his mind that she would not be quite so +objectionable for a wife as he had feared, and he had +fully resolved to woo and wed her off-hand, provided +she had the broomstick of his hopes.</p> + +<p>So, by way of a beginning, he announced that he +would like her to exercise her magic powers in his +behalf.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Pugh had evidently previously regarded him +as an enthusiastic young father with a pair of troublesome +twins, who had come to seek her ministrations, +and she undoubtedly had high wages, innumerable +presents, and exorbitant perquisites in her mind’s eye +at that instant.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span></p> + +<p>When, however, she learned that her visitor merely +wished to know what the fates had resolved to do +about his particular case, she was slightly disappointed, +for the babies are more profitable than the planets. +However, she soon reconciled herself to her fate, and +produced from some cranny immediately under the +eaves of the cow-shed bureau, a pack of cards +wrapped up in an old newspaper. She then carefully +locked the door to keep out the children, and drew +down the curtains lest their inquiring minds should +lead them to observe her mysterious operations +through the window. Then taking the wonder-working +pieces of pasteboard in her hands, and seating +herself opposite her visitor, she announced her +gracious will, thus: “You shall have six wishes.”</p> + +<p>Then, without asking him what he wished for, or +whether he wished for anything, she shuffled the +cards a few seconds, and read off their mysterious +significance as follows, her curious and anxious customer +looking furtively around, meanwhile, to spy +out the hiding-place of the wooden courser:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span></p> + +<p>“’Pears to me you will have good luck in futur, +though it seems to me that you have had a great deal +of bad luck and misfortune in your life; but you will +certainly do better in your futur days than you have +done yet in your life, at least, so it seems to me. +’Pears to me your good luck will commence right +away, pretty soon, immediate, in a very few days; +you will have some great good luck befal you within +a 9. I designate time by days, and weeks, and months, +and sometimes years, so this good luck of which I +told you, you will certainly have within 9 days, or +9 weeks, or 9 months, or possibly 9 years—9 days I +think; yes, I am sure; within 9 days, at least so it +’pears to me. You are going to make a change in +your business, so it seems to me—you are going to +leave your present business, and make a change; +you will make this change within a 7, which may be +7 days or weeks; weeks I think, yes certainly within +7 weeks, at least so it ’pears to me—this change in +your business which will take place in 7 days, or +weeks, I think, yes weeks I’m sure, will be a change<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span> +for the better, and you will profit by it much, at least +so it seems to me—and it will come to pass within a +7; as I said before, within a 7, months or days it may +be, but weeks I think; yes, now I look again, within +a 7, weeks I’m certain, at least, so it ’pears to me—you +will receive a letter within a 3; years, perhaps, +months, it may be, but still it looks like days; yes, +days I’m sure, days it must be; within a 3, and days +they are; you will receive a letter within 3 days, I’m +positively sure, or so it ’pears to me. You have +friends across water, from whom you will hear +speedily and soon, within a 5, which may be months, +although I think not, for it looks like years; did I +say years? no, days; yes, days it is again; within a +5, and days they are; this letter you will have within +5 days; it will contain excellent news, which will +please you much; money, the news will be, and you +will get the letter within a 5, which may be months +or years, but days it looks like, and first-rate news it +is, of money; I am positively certain that it is within +a 5, at least it seems so to me. You face up good<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span> +luck and prosperity, and you will be very rich before +you die, though I do not see how you are to get your +money, whether by business or legacy; but you will +be very rich, or so it seems to me. You will receive +some money within a 4; it will be in three parcels, +and there will be considerable of it. You will get +it in three parcels within a 4, not hours, nor years, +nor yet months, but weeks; money in three parcels +within a 4, and weeks they are, I’m certain. The +money will be in three parcels—three parcels; in +three parcels you will get money within a 4, which, +now I look again, it may be years, but still I think +not. No, it is weeks; I’m certain, at least, so it +’pears to me. There is a lady that has a good heart +for you. She is a light-complexioned lady, with +black eyes; she has a good heart for you, and I do +not see any trouble between you, which means that +there is no opposition to your match, and that you +will certainly marry her within a 2, at least so it +’pears to me. Within a 2 you will marry this light-complexioned +lady, within a 2, which is not hours,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> +nor yet days, I think it is months. I’ll look again; +no, it is not months, but years; within a 2 and years +they are, yes, 2 years; before a 2, and years they are, +this lady will be your wife—at least, so it seems to +me. ’Pears to me you will get money with her, I do +not know how much, but you will certainly get +money in three parcels, as I once remarked before, +within a 4, which I’m sure is weeks. You will be +married twice; once within a 2, once again within a +5 or 7 after your first wife dies. I think it is a 5, +though it may be a 7; and months it looks like, +though it may be weeks or days. You will live with +your first wife a 10; days it can’t be, though it looks +like days—a 10, you’ll live with her a 10, can it be +hours, no, years it is, it must be, because you will +have five children by your first wife, which makes +it years—10 years it is, I know, at least so it ’pears +to me. You will have five children by your first +wife, but you will not raise them all. All will die +but two, and then your wife will die within a 1, +which is a month, or so it seems to me.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span>”</p> + +<p>The inquirer was charmed with the lively prospect +of so many funerals, and mentally resolved to buy +a couple of acres in Greenwood for the accommodation +of his future family. His meditations were +interrupted by the lady, who thus continued:</p> + +<p>“You will marry a second wife, but you will +have trouble about her; there is a dark-complexioned +man who interferes, and who will trouble you +for an 8, which may be years, although I think not, +nor hours, nor days, but months; I’m sure it is—yes, +the dark-complexioned man will trouble you +for an 8, which I am sure is months, yes, months +it is, an 8 I say, and months they are, I am certain, +at least so it ’pears to me. By your second wife +you will have three children, who will all live—I +see a funeral here within a 6; it does not look like +a friend or a relative, but it is some acquaintance, +or the friend of some acquaintance, or the acquaintance +of some friend—the funeral is within a 6, but +it does not come very near to you—you will go to +a wedding within a 3, and you will receive a present<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span> +of a ring within a 2, which may be days—you will +after this be very prosperous and happy, you will +be very long-lived—you will get a letter and a +present from the light-complexioned lady within a +9, which, as I said before, it may be hours, which +I think it is, though weeks it may be, or months, +or even years; though certainly within a 9, which, +now I look again, is days, yes, I am sure, certain, +within a 9, a letter and a present from the light-complexioned +lady, a 9 it is and days, within a 9, +and days they are, at least, so it ’pears to me.”</p> + +<p>Here ended the communication, and, on inquiring +the price, Johannes was astonished to learn that he +had received but twenty-five cents’ worth. Regretting +that he had not invested a dollar in a commodity +so “cheap and very filling at the price” +for future consumption, he departed, first taking a +long lingering look to find, if possible, the lurking-place +of the magic broomstick charger. He didn’t +see it, and gave it up, and came away declaring +that such a woman was not qualified to take the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span> +social position his wife must assume. He did not, +however, wish to discourage her; he thought that +the water-melon trade might be comprehended by a +lady of her abilities, or that she could perhaps thoroughly +master the pop-corn and molasses candy +business, and make it lucrative.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>In which are narrated the Wonderful Workings of Madame<br /> +Morrow, the “Astonisher,” of No. 76. Broome<br /> +Street; and how, by a Crinolinic Stratagem,<br /> +the “Individual” got a Sight of<br /> +his “Future Husband.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span>”</h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER VI.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MADAME MORROW, THE ASTONISHER, No. 76 +BROOME STREET.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">Madame Morrow</span> is the only one of the fortune-telling +fraternity in New York who refuses to +dispense her astrological favors to both sexes. She +positively declines receiving any visits from “gentlemen,” +and confines her business attention exclusively +to “ladies,” of whom many are her regular +customers. One reason for this course of conduct +is, that she imagines her own sex to be the more +credulous, and more readily disposed to put faith +in her claims to supernatural knowledge, and she +naturally prefers to deal with believers rather than +with sceptics. Her “lady” customers are more +tractable and easily managed than men, and are not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span> +so apt to ask puzzling and impertinent questions; +and as the Madame can manage more of them in +a day, of course the pecuniary return is larger than +if she exercised her art in behalf of curious masculinity +as well.</p> + +<p>Of her history before she engaged in her present +business, not much is known to those who have +met her only of late years, for with regard to her +early life she chooses to exercise a politic reticence. +The whole “style” of the woman, however, her +dress, manner, and conversation, are strong indications +that her younger and more attractive days +were not passed in a nunnery, but more probably +in establishments where “Free Love” is more than +a theory. The character of the greater part of her +“lady” visitors is of a grade that goes to corroborate +this supposition, and leads to the belief that +among women of doubtful virtue “old acquaintance” +is not easily “forgot.” By far the greater number of +Madame Morrow’s customers are girls of the town, +and women of even more disreputable character.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span></p> + +<p>The fact that a visit to this renowned sorceress +must be paid in a feminine disguise, made the +attempt to secure an interview of more than ordinary +interest. How this difficulty was mastered, and how +an entrance was finally effected into the citadel +from which all mankind is rigorously excluded, is +best told in the words of the “Individual” who +accomplished that curious feat.</p> + + +<h4>How the Cash Customer visited the “Astonisher”—How +he was Astonished—and How he saw his Future Husband.</h4> + +<p>The Cash Customer in pursuit of a wife had been +rebuffed, but was not disheartened. He had, so to +speak, fought a number of very severe hymeneal +rounds and got the worst of them all; but he had +taken his punishment like a man, and had still +wind and pluck to come up bravely to the matrimonial +scratch when “time” was called, and as +yet showed no signs of giving in. His backers, if +he’d had any, would have still been tolerably sure<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span> +of their money, and not painfully anxious to hedge. +The bets would have been about even that he’d +win the fight yet, and come out of the battle a +triumphant husband, instead of being knocked out +of the field a disconsolate and discomfited bachelor.</p> + +<p>But, although his ardor had not cooled, and +though his strength and determination still held +out, he had grown slightly cautious, and had conceived +a plan for going like a spy into the camp +of the enemy, and there thoroughly reconnoitring +the positions that he had to storm, and at the same +time making himself master of the wiles and stratagems +that were the peculiar weapons of the female +foe, and so learn some infallible way to capture a +first-quality wife. At any rate, he would give +himself the benefit of the doubt and make the +experiment. He would a-wooing go, not apparelled +in conquering broadcloth, in subjugating marseilles, +or overpowering doeskin, but carrying the unaccustomed, +but not less potent weapons of laces, moire-antique, +crinoline, and gaiters.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span></p> + +<p>In fact, there was also a stern necessity in the case, +for the lady on whom he had now set his young +affections was particular as to her customers, and did +not admit the shirt-collar gender to the honor of +her confidence.</p> + +<p>But was this to stop him? If the lady shut out +the whole masculine world from the inevitable +fascinations of her superabundant charms, was it +not for sweet charity’s sake, that a whole community +might not go into ecstatic frenzies over her peerless +beauty, and all men, being stricken in love of the +same woman, go to cutting each other’s throats +with bowie-knives and other modern improvements!</p> + +<p>It was easy to see that <i>Madame Morrow</i> did not +want to become another Helen, to be abducted to +some modern Troy, and have a ten years’ row, and +any quantity of habeas corpuses, and innumerable +contempts of interminable courts, after the modern +fashion of conducting a strife about a runaway +maiden.</p> + +<p>Such a considerate beauty, veiling her undoubted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span> +fascinations from the rude gaze of man, from purely +prudential reasons, must be a prize of rare value, +and well worth the winning.</p> + +<p>Her qualifications in magic, too, seemed to be of +the very first order, to judge from her notification to +the wonder-seeking world.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Astonishing to All.</span>—Madame <span class="smcap">Morrow</span> claims to be the +most wonderful astrologist in the world, or that has ever been +known, as I am the seventh daughter of the seventh daughter, +who was also a great astrologist. I have a natural gift to +tell past, present, and future events of life. I have astonished +thousands during my travels in Europe. I will tell how many +times you are to be married, how soon, and will show you +the likeness of your future husband, and will cause you to +be speedily married, and you will enjoy the greatest happiness +of matrimonial bliss and good luck through your whole life. I +will also show the likeness of absent friends and relations, and I +will tell so true all the concerns of life that you cannot help +being astonished. No charge, if not satisfied. Gentlemen not +admitted. No. 76 Broome street, near Columbia.”</p></div> + +<p>There was but one thing in this that troubled the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span> +“Individual” with any particularly sharp pangs. He +intended to marry the Astonisher, but he was a +little bothered what to do with the seven daughters, +for of course the Madame would not fail to follow +the excellent example of her revered mother, and +would never stop short of the mystic number.</p> + +<p>He finally concluded that all his duties as a father +would be faithfully performed if he taught them to +read, write, and play on the piano, and then gave +them each a sewing-machine to begin the world with. +He did think of bringing them up for the ballet, but +their success in that profession being somewhat dependent +on the size and symmetry of their dancing +implements, he felt it would be improper to positively +determine on that line of business before he had been +favored with a sight of the young ladies. Reserving, +therefore, his decision on this knotty point until time +should further develop the subject, he prepared for +the unsexing which was indicated as an inevitable +preliminary to a visit to Madame Morrow, by the +sentence “Gentlemen not admitted.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span>”</p> + +<p>He proposed to get himself up in a way that would +slightly astonish the Madame herself, although she +had faithfully promised in her advertisement to astonish +him. He would have been willing to wager a +small sum that with all her witchcraft she would be +unable to keep that promise, for in the regular course +of his business, he had become so accustomed to marvels, +wonders, and miracles, that the upheaval of a +volcano in the Park wouldn’t discompose him unless +it singed his whiskers. He had a strong desire, however, +to realize the old sensation of astonishment, and +he was of the opinion that the “likeness of his future +husband” would accomplish that feat if anything +could.</p> + +<p>Heroic was Johannes, and withal ingenious, and +this then was his wonderful plan.</p> + +<p>He would visit this Madame Morrow, not by proxy, +but in his own proper person; if not as a man, then +as a woman; yes, he would petticoat himself up to the +required dimensions, if it took a week to tie on the +machinery. Off with the pantaloons; on with the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span> +skirts; down with the broadcloth; hurrah for the cotton +and hey for victory, and a look at his future husband.</p> + +<p>To an inventor of theatrical costumes hied he +with this fell design in his heart.</p> + +<p>The requisite paraphernalia were bargained for and +sent home to the ambitious voyager, who, at the sight +thereof, was “astonished” in advance, and stricken +aghast by the complicated mysteries of laces, ribbons, +strings, bones, buttons, pins, capes, collars, and other +inexplicable articles that met his gaze.</p> + +<p>The question instantly occurred, “Could he get +into these things?”</p> + +<p>Not a bit of it; he would sooner undertake to report +in short-hand the speech of a thunder-cloud, +and with much better prospects of success. He felt +his own insignificance, and as he looked out at the +window, he regarded a passing female with awe. He +felt that he was fast becoming imbecile, not to say +idiotic, when he bethought him of his friends. Two +discreet married men, who knew the ropes, were +called to the rescue, and began the work; they piled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span> +on layer after layer of the material, and in the course +of four or five hours had built him into a pyramid +of the proper size, when they gave him their solemn +assurance that he was “all right.” He has since discovered +that they had tied his under-sleeves round his +ankles, and that the things he wore on his arms must +have belonged somewhere else. There was trouble +about the hair, and it required the combined ingenuity +and wisdom of the masculine trio to keep the +bonnet on, and this difficulty was only overcome at +last by tying strings from the inside of the crown of +that invention to the ears of the sufferer.</p> + +<p>Then, and not till then, had anybody thought +of the whiskers. They must be sacrificed; and +though the miserable victim to his own ambition +consented to the disfigurement, how was it to be +accomplished? The luckless Johannes could no +more sit down in a barber’s chair than the City +Hall could get into an omnibus. At last he knelt +down, which was the nearest approach he could +make to a sitting position, and Jenkins, mounted on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span> +the bed, shaved him as well as he could at arm’s +length.</p> + +<p>When the operation was concluded, his head +looked as if it had been parboiled and the skin +taken off. He didn’t dare to curse Jenkins for +his clumsiness, knowing that if he relieved his mind +in that desirable manner, Jenkins would refuse to +help him undress when he wanted to get out of the +innumerable manacles that now confined every joint. +He was as helpless as a turtle that the unkind hand +of ruthless man has rolled over on his back.</p> + +<p>However, the disguise was complete; he looked in +the glass and thought he was his own landlady; his +best friends wouldn’t have known him, and the +teller of the bank would have pronounced him a +forgery and refused to certify him; he felt like a +full-rigged clipper ship, and got under sail as soon +as possible and bore down upon Madame Morrow’s +residence. He nearly capsized as he stepped into +the street, but he righted after a heavy lurch to the +north-east, and kept his course without further serious<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span> +disaster. He made a speedy run to Broome street, +the voyage being accomplished in less than the +expected time, although a heavy sea, in the shape +of a boy with a wheelbarrow, struck him amidships, +on the corner of Sheriff street, doing some damage +to his lower works and carrying away a yard or +so of lace from his main skirt. He finally came +up to the house in splendid style, and cast anchor +on the opposite sidewalk to take an observation.</p> + +<p>The anchorage was good, and he rode securely for +a short time until he could repair damages, he having +carried away some of his upper rigging; in other +words, he had caught his veil on a meat-hook and had +been unable to rescue it. He rigged a sort of jury-veil +with the end of his shawl, so that he could hide +his blushing countenance in case of too close scrutiny.</p> + +<p>Madame Morrow lives, as he now discovered, in a +low, three-story brick house, which cannot be called +dirty, simply because that mild word expresses an +approximation towards cleanliness which no house in +this locality has known for years. City readers can<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span> +get an idea of its condition by understanding that it +is in the worst part of “The Hook;” to readers in +the country, who have luckily never seen anything +filthier than a barn yard, no information can be +given which would meet the case. Sunshine is the +only protection for a well-dressed man against the +population of this part of the town. In the twilight +or darkness he would be robbed, if not garroted and +murdered. The boldest and most desperate burglars, +and others of that stamp, have their homes about +here—fathers who teach their children the thief’s +profession, and mothers who carry pickpockets at the +breast. In the midst of this nest of crime the +fortune-teller has her home, and here she thrives.</p> + +<p>The daring man, protected by his false colors, +there being no officious authority in that neighborhood +to exercise the right of search, came alongside +the house and prepared, metaphorically, to board; +that is, he rang the bell.</p> + +<p>He was admitted by an Irish girl, whose incrusted +face showed that the same deposit of dirt<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span> +had probably held possession undisturbed for weeks. +They had just entered the hall door when two +small children, who were contending for their +vested rights with a big yellow dog that had +interfered with their dinner, commenced an unearthly +squalling, which, for the instant, made the +millinery delegate fairly believe that Tophet was +out for noon. The Hibernian maiden, with great +presence of mind, immediately attempted to quiet +the storm by administering to each inverted brat +a sound correction, in the manner usually adopted +by mothers.</p> + +<p>Particulars are omitted.</p> + +<p>Then she resumed her attentions to the stranger, +and convoyed him into port in the parlor. Securely +harbored in this safe retreat, Johannes took another +observation.</p> + +<p>The room was small, and what few things were +in it looked shabby and dirty of course. The principal +article of furniture was a huge basketful of +soiled linen, which had probably been “taken in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span>” +to wash, and from a respectable family, for every +single article looked ashamed to be caught in such +company, and tried to burrow down out of sight. +Disconsolate shirts elbowed humiliated socks, which +in turn kicked against mortified flannels, or hid +themselves beneath disconcerted sheets; abashed +shirt-collars and humbled dickies tried to shrink out +of sight in very shame beneath a dishonored tablecloth, +the wine-stains on which showed it to belong in +better society. A dejected and cast-down woman +was assorting the despairing contents of the basket +with a look of desolation.</p> + +<p>The girl, who had disappeared, now returned, and +with an air of mystery slipped into the hand of her +visitor a red card, on which was inscribed:</p> + +<div class="bbox" style="width: 20em"><p>No Person allowed to remain in the Establishment +without a ticket. Please present this on +entering Madame Morrow’s room. Fee in full, $1.</p></div> + +<p>For an hour and a half after the receipt of this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span> +card and the payment of $1 therefor, did Johannes +quietly wait in the room with the big basket, being +entertained meanwhile by the two women who conversed +with each other upon the relative merits of +engines No. 18 and 27, and with a long discussion as +to the comparative personal beauty of “Tom” and +“Dick,” who, it seemed, belonged respectively to +those two mechanical constituents of our Fire Department.</p> + +<p>At the end of that time the Irish girl, who had +succeeded in establishing “Dick’s” claim to her +satisfaction, arose and invited the stranger to the +room of Madame Morrow.</p> + +<p>He passed up a narrow flight of stairs, the condition +of which, as to dirt, was concealed by no friendly +carpet; then he sailed into a front parlor which was +furnished elegantly, and perhaps gorgeously, with +carpets, mirrors, sofas, and all the usual requirements +of a lady’s apartment.</p> + +<p>Madame herself appeared at the door. She is a +tall, sallow-looking woman, with a complexion the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span> +color of old parchment: with light brown eyes and +light hair; being attired in a handsome delaine dress +of half-mourning, and decorated with a costly cameo +pin and ear-drops, she looked not unlike a servant +out for a holiday, making a sensation in her mistress’s +finery.</p> + +<p>She led her lovely visitor into a little closet-like +room, in which were a bureau, two chairs, a table, +and a small stand, covered with a number of her +business hand-bills and a pack of cards. She asked +first: “What month was you born?” On receiving +the answer, the Astonisher took a book from the +bureau and read as follows: “A person born in +this month is of an amiable and frank disposition, +benevolent, and an amiable and desirable partner in +the marriage relation. Your lucky days are Tuesdays +and Thursdays, on which days you may enter +on any undertaking, or attempt any enterprise with +a good prospect of success.” Then she took up the +cards again, and after the usual shuffling and cutting, +the Astonisher fired away as follows.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span></p> + +<p>“You face luck, you face prosperity, you face true +love and disinterested affection, you face a speedy marriage, +you face a letter which will come in three days +and will contain pleasant news—you face a ring, you +face a present of jewelry done up in a small package; +the latter will come within two hours, two days, two +weeks, or two months—you face an agreeable surprise, +you face the death of a friend, you face the +seven of clubs which is the luckiest card in the pack—you +face two gentlemen with a view to matrimony, +one of whom has brown hair and brown eyes, and +the other has lighter hair and blue eyes—they are +both thinking of you at the present time, but the +nearest one you face is the one with light eyes—your +marriage runs within six or nine months.”</p> + +<p>There was very much more to the same effect, but as +Johannes was pining all this time for a look at his +future husband, he did not pay the strictest attention +to it. Finally, when she had finished talking, she +said, “Step this way and see your future husband.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span>”</p> + +<p>This was the eventful moment.</p> + +<p>The disguised one went to the table and there beheld +a pine box, about the size of an ordinary candle-box, +though shallower; it was unpainted, and decidedly +unornamental as an article of furniture. In one end +of it was an aperture about the size of the eye-hole of +a telescope; this was carefully covered with a small +black curtain. This mystic contrivance was placed +upon a table so low that the husband-seeker was +compelled to go on his knees to get his eye down +low enough to see through. He accomplished this +feat without grumbling, although his knees were +scarified by the whalebones which surrounded him. +The Astonisher then drew aside the little curtain +with a grand flourish, and her customer beheld an +indistinct figure of a bloated face with a mustache, +with black eyes and black hair; it was a hang-dog, +thief-like face, and one that he would not have passed +in the street without involuntarily putting his hands +on his pockets to assure himself that all was right.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span> +But he felt that he had no hope of a future husband +if he did not accept this one, and he made up his +mind to be reconciled to the match.</p> + +<p>This contrivance for showing the “future husband” +is sometimes called the Magic Mirror, and may +be procured at any optician’s for a dollar and a +quarter. The “future husband” may of course be +varied to suit circumstances, by merely shifting the +pictures at one end of the instrument; or a horse or a +dog might be substituted with equal propriety and +probability.</p> + +<p>Disappointed, and sick at heart and stomach, the +Cash Customer bore away for home, and accomplished +the return voyage without disaster. He didn’t so +much mind the unexpected difference in the personal +attractions of Madame Morrow from what he had +hoped, for he had been rather accustomed to disappointments +of that sort of late, but he couldn’t see +that his admission to the camp of the enemy had +enabled him to spy out anything of particular advantage<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span> +to him in future operations. So he cogitated +and mournfully whistled slow tunes, as he cut +himself out of his unaccustomed harness by the help +of a pen-knife with a file-blade.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Contains a full account of the interview of the Cash<br /> +Customer with Doctor Wilson, the Astrologer, of<br /> +No. 172 Delancey Street. The Fates<br /> +decree that he shall “pizon his<br /> +first Wife.” <span class="smcap">Hooray</span>!!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER VII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>DR. WILSON, No. 172 DELANCEY STREET.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">This</span> ignorant, half-imbecile old man is the only +<i>wizard</i> in New York whose fame has become public. +There are several other men who sometimes, as a +matter of favor to a curious friend, exercise their +astrological skill, but they do not profess witchcraft +as a means of living; they do not advertise their +gifts, but only dabble in necromancy in an amateur +way, more as a means of amusement than for any +other purpose. On the other hand Dr. Wilson freely +uses the newspapers to announce to the public his +star-reading ability, and his willingness, for a consideration, +to tell all events, past and future, of a +paying customer’s life. He professes to do all his +fortune-telling in a “strictly scientific” manner, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span> +it is but justice to him to say, that he alone, of all the +witches of New York, drew a horoscope, consulted +books of magic, made intricate mathematical calculations, +and made a show of being scientific. In his +case only was any attempt made to convince the +seeker after hidden wisdom, that modern fortune-telling +is aught else than very lame and shabby guesswork. +The old Doctor has by no means so many +customers as many of his female rivals; he is old +and unprepossessing—were he young and handsome +the case might be otherwise.</p> + +<p>He has been a pretended “botanic physician,” or +what country people term a “root doctor;” but +failing to earn a living by the practice of medicine, +he took up “Demonology and Witchcraft” to aid +him to eke out a scanty subsistence. He does but +little in either branch of his business, the public +appearing to have slight faith in his ability +either to cure their maladies or foretell their +future.</p> + +<p>The character of his surroundings is noted in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span> +following description, and his oracular communication +is given, word for word.</p> + + +<h4>An Hour with a Wizard.—The Cash Customer is to +“Pizon” his First Wife, and then get Another. Hooray!</h4> + +<p>“I am like a vagabond pig with no family ties, who +has no lady pig to welcome him home o’nights, and +with no tender sucklings to call him ‘papa,’ in that +prattling porcine language that must fall so sweetly +on the ears of all parents of innocent porklings. +Like Othello, I have no wife, and really I can see +little hope in the future.”</p> + +<p>Thus moralized the “Individual,” the morning +after his experiment with the women’s gear, and his +failure to learn, at a single lesson, the whole art of +catching a wife. Then he bethought him that perhaps +the art could not be learned without a master; +and then came the other thought that no one could +tell so well how to win a witch-wife as one who had +himself been successful in that risky experiment.</p> + +<p>To find a man with a fortune-telling wife is no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span> +easy matter, for most of the marriages contracted by +these ladies are by no means of a permanent +character, and the male parties to the temporary +partnerships are always kept in the background. +But if he could discover up a wizard, a masculine +master of the Black Art, there were strong probabilities +that such an individual could put him in the +way of winning a miracle-working spouse, at the +very least possible trouble and expense. He would +seek that man as a preliminary to winning that +woman. The daily newspapers showed him that in +the person of a learned doctor, surnamed Wilson, +he would probably find the man he wanted. He +searched out that wonderful man, and the results +of his visit are given in this identical chapter.</p> + +<p>Old dreamy Sol Gills, of coffee-colored memory, +has been admiringly recommended to the good +opinion of the world by his friend, Capt. Ed’ard +Cuttle, mariner of England, as a man “chock full +of science.” From the same eminent authority we +also learn that Jack Bunsby was an individual of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span> +learning so vast, and experience so varied and comprehensive, +that he never opened his oracular mouth +but out fell “solid chunks of wisdom.” That the +person now dwells in our city who combines the +scientific attainments of Gills with the intuitive +wisdom of Bunsby, we have the solemn word of +Johannes. The science is a trifle more dreamy and +misty even than of old, and the wisdom is solider +and chunkier, but both are as undeniable, as convincing, +as “stunning,” as in the best days of the +Little Wooden Midshipman. The fortunate possessor +of this inestimable wealth of knowledge secludes +himself from the curious public in the basement of +the house No. 172 Delancey street, like an underground +hermit. However, this unselfish and generous +sage, not wishing to hide entirely the light of +his great learning from a benighted world, kindly +condescends, in the advertisement herewith given, +to retail his wisdom to anxious inquirers at a dollar +a chunk:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span></p><div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Astrology.</span>—Dr. Wilson, 172 Delancey street, gives the +most scientific and reliable information to be found on all +concerns of life, past, present, and future. Terms—ladies, 50 +cents; gentlemen, $1. Birth required.”</p></div> + +<p>The last sentence is slightly obscure, and it was +not quite clear to Johannes that he would not have +to be “born again” on the premises. But at all +events there was something refreshing in the novelty +of consulting a “learned pundit” in pantaloons, after +all the tough conjurers of the other sex that he had +undergone of late.</p> + +<p>So he repaired to Delancey street in a joyous +mood, nothing daunted by the requirements of the +advertisement.</p> + +<p>Delancey street is not Paradise, quite the contrary. +In fact it may be set down as unsavory, not to say +dirty in the extreme. The man that can walk +through the east end of this delicious thoroughfare +without a constant sensation of sea-sickness, has a +stomach that would be true to him in a dissecting-room. +The individual that can explore with his +unwilling boots its slimy depths without a feeling of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span> +the most intense disgust for everything in the city +and of the city, ought to live in Delancey street and +buy his provisions at the corner grocery. He never +ought to see the country, or even to smell the breath +of a country cow. He should be exiled to the city; +be banished to perpetual bricks and mortar; be condemned +to a never-ending series of omnibus rides, +and to innumerable varieties of short change.</p> + +<p>The delegate picked his way gingerly enough, +thinking all the while that if Leander had been compelled +to wade through Delancey street, instead of +taking a clean swim across the sea, Hero might have +died a respectable old maid for all Leander. And +yet Johannes says he doesn’t believe that History +will give <i>him</i> any credit for his valorous navigation +of the said street.</p> + +<p>He at last reached the designated spot, sound as to +body, though wofully soiled as to garments, and +approached the semi-subterranean abode of the great +prophet, and immediately after his modest rap at the +basement door, was met by the venerable sage in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span> +person. He walked in, and then proceeded to take +an observation of the cabalistic instruments and +mysterious surroundings of the great philosopher.</p> + +<p>The room was a small, low apartment, about ten +feet by twelve, the floor uncarpeted and uneven; the +walls were damp, and the whole place was like a +vault. The furniture was very scanty, and all had +an unwholesome moisture about it, and a curious +odor, as if it gathered unhealthy dews by being kept +underground. Three feeble chairs were all the seats, +and a table which leaned against the wall was too ill +and rickety to do its intended duty; many of the +books which had once probably covered it, were now +thrown in a promiscuous heap on the floor, where +they slowly mildewed and gave out a graveyard smell. +A miniature stove in the middle of the room, sweated +and sweltered, and in its struggles to warm the +unhealthy atmosphere had succeeded in suffusing +itself with a clammy perspiration; it was in the last +stages of debility; old age and abuse had used it +sadly, and it now stood helplessly upon its crippled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span> +legs, and supported its nerveless elbow upon a sturdy +whitewash brush. There were a few symptoms of +medical pretensions in the shape of some vials, and +bottles of drugs, and colored liquids on the mantelpiece; +a great attempt at a display of scientific apparatus +began and ended with an insulating stool, and +an old-fashioned “cylinder and cushion” electrical +machine; a number of highly-colored prints of +animals pasted on the wall, having evidently been +scissored from the show-bill of a menagerie, had a +look towards natural history, and a jar or two of +acids suggested chemical researches. The books +that still remained on the enervated table were an +odd volume of Braithwaite’s Retrospect, a treatise +on Human Physiology, and another on Materia +Medica; a number of bound volumes of Zadkiel’s +Astronomical Ephemeris, Raphael’s Prophetic Almanac, +Raphael’s Prophetic Messenger, and a file of +Robert White’s Celestial Atlas, running back to +1808.</p> + +<p>The appearance of the venerable sage of Delancey<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span> +street was not so imposing as to strike a stranger +with awe—quite the contrary. He partook of the +character of the room, and was a fitting occupant of +such a place; he seemed some kind of unwholesome +vegetable that had found that noisome atmosphere +congenial, and had sprung indigenously from the +slimy soil. One looked instinctively at his feet to see +what kind of roots he had, and then glanced back at +his head as if it were a huge bud, and about to blossom +into some unhealthy flower. The traces of its +earthy origin were plainly visible about this mouldy +old plant; quantities of the rank soil still adhered to +the face, filled up the wrinkles of the cheeks, found +ample lodging in the ears and on the neck, and +crowding under the horny and distorted nails, made +them still more ugly; and streaks and ridges of dirt +clung to every portion of the garments, which +answered to the bark or rind of this perspiring herb.</p> + +<p>To drop this botanic figure of speech, Dr. Wilson +is a man of about fifty-eight years of age, rather stout +and thick-set, with grey eyes, and hair which was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span> +once brown, but is now grey, and with thin brown +whiskers; the top of his head is nearly bald, except +a few thin, furzy, short hairs, which made his skull +look as if it had been kept in that damp room until +mould had gathered on it. He was in his shirt sleeves, +and was attired, for the most part, in a pair of sheep’s +grey pantaloons, which were made to cover that fraction +of his body between his ankles and his armpits; +the little patch of shirt that was visible above the +waistband of that garment, was streaked with irregular +lines of dirty black, as if it had gone into half +mourning for the scarcity of water.</p> + +<p>The man of science made a musty remark or two +about the weather and the walking, and then, after +carefully seating himself at the decrepit table, he +said: “I suppose your business is of a fortun’-tellin’ +natur; if so, my terms is one dollar.” The affirmative +answer to the question and the payment of the +dollar put new energy into the mouldy old man, and +he prepared to astonish the beholder.</p> + +<p>He demanded the age of his visitor, and then<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span> +desired to be informed of the date of his birth, with +particular reference to the exact time of day; +Johannes drummed up his youthful recollections of +that interesting event, and gave the day, the hour, +and the minute, with his accustomed accuracy. The +sage made an exact minute of these wet-nurse items +on a cheap slate with a stub of a pencil; then taking +another cheap slate, he proceeded to draw a horoscope +thereon, pausing a little over the signs of the zodiac, +as if he was a little out in his astronomy, and wasn’t +exactly certain whether there should be twelve or +twenty. He settled this little matter by filling one +half the slate as full as it would hold, and then carrying +some to the other side, so as to have a few on +hand in case of any emergency.</p> + +<p>When the figure was drawn, and all the mysterious +signs completed, the shirt-sleeve prophet became +absorbed in an intricate calculation of such mysterious +import that all his customer’s mathematical +proficiency was unable to make out what it was all +about. First he set down a long row of figures,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span> +which he added together with much difficulty, and +then seemed to instantly conceive the most unrelenting +hostility to the sum total. The mathematical +tortures to which he put that unhappy amount; the +arithmetical abuse which he heaped upon it, and +the algebraic contumely with which he overwhelmed +it, almost defy description. He first belabored +it with the four simple rules; he stretched it +with Addition; he cut it in two with Subtraction; +he made it top-heavy with Multiplication, +and tore it to pieces with Division—then he extracted +its square root; then extracted the cube +root of that, which left nothing of the unfortunate +sum total but a small fraction, which he then divided +by <i>ab</i>, and made “equal to” an infinitesimal part of +some unknown <i>x</i>. Having thus wreaked his vengeance +on the unhappy number, he laid away the +surviving fraction in a cold corner of the slate, where +he left it, first, however, giving a parting token of +his bitter malignity by writing the minus sign before +it, which made it perpetually worse than nothing,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span> +and reduced it to a state of irredeemable algebraic +bankruptcy. This praiseworthy object being finally +achieved, he proceeded to translate into intelligible +English the result of his calculations, which he +announced in the terms following:</p> + +<p>“The testimonial is not the most sanguine. If the +time of birth is given correct there is reason to +apprehend that something of an affective nature +occurred at about eight years and ten months—at +16 × 10 I think I may say, if the time of birth is +given correct, there is from the figures reason to +expect that there is a probability of a similar sitiwation +of events. At 24 there was a favorable sitiwation +of events, if there was not somebody or somethin’ +afflictive on the contrary, the which I am disposed +to think might be possible. At 25, if the time of +birth is given correct, there is reason to expect great +likelihoods of some success in life; I may, it is true, +be mistaken in my calculations, but as the significators +are angular, I think there is indications that such +will be the sitiwation of events. At 30, if the time<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span> +of birth is given correct, I think you are an individdyal +as may look for some species of misfortin—there +will be some rather singular circumstances +occur, which might denote loss of friends, or the +fallin’ to you of a fortin, or great travellin’ by water +or land, or losin’ money at cards, or breakin’ your +leg, or makin’ a great discovery, or inventin’ somethin’, +or gettin’ put into prison on suspicion of +sorcery and witchcraft. You will see that there are +indications to denote that you will certainly be +accused of sorcery and witchcraft by some individdyals +who are not your friends—the indications +denote great likelihoods that this will make you +uneasy in your mind, but I think there is nothin’ +of a very serious natur’ to be feared at that time of +life, if the time of birth is given correct. When any +misfortin’ is comin’ upon you there is no doubt +(though I am not goin’ to state positively that such +will be the case, still there is strong likelihoods that +the indications give such a probability) that it will +give you warnin’ of its approach. At 36, if the time<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span> +of birth is given correct, there is indications of a +likelihood that you will fall upon some other misfortin’; +I am not prepared to state positively that such +will be the case, but I think you will have a misfortin’, +though I don’t think it would be of a very +afflictive natur’. There is at that time a circumstance +of an unfriendly natur’, though it may not happen +to yourself; it might denote that your brother will +get sick. There is another evil condition about this +time which I will examine still furder. I see that +there is indications of a likelihood that there is a +probability of your having somethin’ amiss by a +partner, if somethin’ of a favorable natur’ does +not interpose, which is not unlikely, though I may +be mistaken and will not say positively. You will +be lucky, however, after that, and many of your evils +will gradually begin to recline, as it were. There is +reason to believe that the significators denote that in +the course of your futur’ life you will sometimes be +thrown in with men who you will think is your +friends, but who will prove to be your enemy. This<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span> +I will not say positively, for I may be mistaken, +which I think I am not, but if the time of birth is +correct, you are an individdyal as gives likelihoods +that such might be the case.”</p> + +<p>For more than an hour had the Inquirer been +edified and instructed by these “solid chunks of +wisdom,” which, it will be remembered, were not +delivered off-hand, but were carefully ciphered out +by elaborate calculations on the slate aforesaid. +Lucid and elegant as was the language, and interesting +as was the matter of these oracular communications, +he felt it to be his duty to interrupt them +for a time and change the subject to a theme in +which he felt a nearer interest; accordingly he asked +the musty Seer about his prospects of future wedded +bliss. This was a subject of so great importance +that all the other calculations had to be erased from +the slate—this little operation was accomplished in +the manner of the schoolboys who haint got any +sponge, and the dirty hand plied briskly for a minute +between the juicy mouth and the dingy slate, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span> +became a shade grimier by this cleanly process. +Then a new horoscope was drawn with more signs of +the zodiac than ever, and in due time the result was +thus announced:</p> + +<p>“I shall now endeavor to give you a description +of the sort of person you might be most likeliest to +marry. There is indications that your wife might be +respectable. The significators do not denote that +there is a likelihood that you might marry a very +old woman. She would be as likely to have fair hair +and blue eyes as anything else; nor would she be +likely to be very much too tall, and I don’t imagine +you are an individdyal that might be likely to marry +a woman who was very short. She may not be very +old, but I do not think that the indications point her +out as being likely to be a child; in fact, I think it +possible that she may be of the ordinary age, though +I do not wish to be understood as being positive on +all these points, for I may be mistaken, though I +think you will find that there is a likelihood that +these things may be so. You will be married twice,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span> +and I think you are an individdyal that would be +likely to have children—six children I think there is +indications that you may be likely to have. The +significators point out one very evil condition, and I +think I may say that I’m quite sure. I’m positive +that you will separate from your first wife. No, I +will not say that yours is a quarrelsome natur’, but +the significators look bad. Things is worse, in fact, +than I told you of, and now I look again and am +sure you are prepared, I will say that there cannot +be a doubt that <i>you will pizon your first wife</i>. It cannot +be any other way; there is no mistake; it is so; +it must be true; the fact is this, and thus I tell you, +<i>you will pizon your first wife</i>. And, my young friend, +I will advise you, in case your married futur’ is +unhappy, and you do find it necessary to give pizon +to your consort, do not tell anybody of your intentions; +do not let it be known; and you must do it in +such a way as not to be suspected, or people will +think hard of you, and there may be trouble.”</p> + +<p>This was a touch of wisdom for which Johannes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span> +was not prepared; so he snatched his hat and hastily +left the sepulchral premises, conscious of his inability +to receive another such a “chunk” without being +completely floored.</p> + +<p>He now expresses the opinion that Dr. Wilson +wanted to get the job of “pizoning” that first wife, +and that he would have done it with pleasure at less +than the market price.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Gives a history of how Mrs. Hayes, the Clairvoyant, of<br /> +No. 176 Grand Street, does the Conjuring Trick.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER VIII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MRS. HAYES, A CLAIRVOYANT, No. 176 GRAND +STREET.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">There</span> are a dozen or more of these “Clairvoyants” +in the city who profess to cure diseases, and to work +other wonders by the aid of their so-called wonderful +power. As their mode of proceeding is very much +the same in all cases, a description of one or two will +give an idea of the whole. Their principal business +is to prescribe for bodily ills, and did they confine +themselves to this alone, they would not be legitimate +subjects of mention in this book. But in addition to +their medical practice they also tell about “absent +friends;” tell whether projected business undertakings +will fall out well or ill; whether contemplated marriages +will be prosperous or otherwise: whether a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span> +person will be “lucky” in life, whether his children +will be happy, and, in short, they do pretty much the +regular fortune-telling routine, whenever the questions +of the customer lead that way.</p> + +<p>The theory as given by them, of a Clairvoyant +diagnosis of a malady, is this: that the Clairvoyant, +when thrown by mesmeric influence into the “trance” +state, is enabled to <i>see into the body of the patient</i> and +discern what organs, if any, are deranged, and in what +manner; or to ascertain precisely the nature of the +morbific condition of the body, and having thus +discovered what part of the vital mechanism is out of +order, they are able, they argue, to prescribe the best +means for restoring the apparatus to a normal state.</p> + +<p>There are many thousands of persons who believe +this stuff, and endanger their lives and health by +trusting to these empirics. Several of the most popular +of them have as many patients as they can attend to, +and are rapidly amassing fortunes. Most of them have +a superficial knowledge of Medicine, and are thus +enabled to do, with a certain amount of impunity,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span> +many dark deeds. It is reported of more than one of +these women that she has done as many deeds of child-murder +as did even the notorious Madame Restell.</p> + +<p>In this regard, they are among the most dangerous +and criminal of all the Witches.</p> + +<p>The “Individual” visited Mrs. Hayes, who is one +of the most ignorant of the whole lot, and Mrs. Seymour, +who is one of the most intelligent of all. He +sets down the particulars of his visit to the former, in +the words following:</p> + + +<h4>How the “Individual” sees a Clairvoyant—How he pays a +Dollar, and what he gets for his money.</h4> + +<p>Not all the sorcery of all the sorcerers; not all the +necromancy of all the necromancers; not all the conjurations +of all masculine conjurers; not all the magic +of all male magicians; not all the charming of all the +charmers, charm they never so wisely, could have +induced Johannes to ever more place the slightest trust +in a wizard, or repose in any wonderworker of the +bearded sex the merest trifle of faith, even the most<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span> +infinitesimal trituration of the homœopathicest grain. +The single dose he had received from the renowned +Doctor Wilson was quite enough, and had satisfied all +his longings for wisdom of that sort.</p> + +<p>Besides, his coming events cast such peculiar and +very unpleasant shadows before, that he preferred to +keep out of the grim presence of such shady men, +and for all after time to bask him only in the sunshine +of smiling women.</p> + +<p>“<i>Pizon his first wife</i>,” would he? Well, he could +have taken that “pizon” with tolerable composure +from the lips of lovely woman, but to receive it +from the mumbling mouth of a skinny old man, was +too much to accept without divers rebellious grins.</p> + +<p>A peach-cheeked witch, a cherry-lipped conjuress; +a Circe, with only enough charms to make a respectable +photograph, might with impunity have called him +a counterfeiter, or a horse-thief, or even a thimble-rigger; +or might have told him that he would, upon +opportunity, garotte his grandmother for the small +price of seventy cents and her snuff-box; or that he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span> +was in the habit of attending funerals to pick the +pockets of the mourners, and of going to church that +he might steal the pennies from the poor-box, all this +would he have borne uncomplainingly from a woman; +but these unpalatable statements from one of the masculine +gender would be “most tolerable and not to be +endured.”</p> + +<p>He felt that if he had not rushed incontinently +from the presence of that underground star-gazer Dr. +Wilson, he must either have punched that respected +person’s venerated head, or have laughed in his +honored face. In either case he would, of course, +have roused the extensive ire of that potent worthy, +and have been at once exposed to a fire of supernatural +influences that would have been probably +unpleasant, to say the least.</p> + +<p>The unmusical Johannes looks upon accordeons as +cruel instruments of refined torture, and detests them +as the vilest of all created or invented things, and he +had been very careful to offend none of the magic +community, lest he should, by some high-pressure<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span> +power of their enchanted spells, be transformed into +an accordeon, and be condemned to eternally have +shrieking music pulled out of his bowels by unrelenting +boys.</p> + +<p>Having this terrible possible doom continually +before his mind’s optics, he felt that it would be only +the part of prudence to avoid the company of those +black art professors in whose presence he could not +keep all his feelings well in hand. So, no more +wizards would he visit, but the witches should henceforth +have his entire attention.</p> + +<p>It is a fortunate circumstance that there are no other +men than the aforesaid Doctor Wilson, in the witch +business in New York, so that there would be no +temptation to break this resolve, and he probably +would not be troubled to keep it.</p> + +<p>There is one breed of the modern witch that pretends +to a sort of superiority in blood and manners, +and those who practise this peculiar branch of the +business put on certain aristocratic airs and utterly +refuse to consort with those of another stamp. They<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span> +disdain the title of “Astrologers,” or “Astrologists,” +as most of them phrase it, and in their advertisements +utterly repudiate the idea that they are “Fortune +Tellers.”</p> + +<p>These are the “Clairvoyants,” who do business by +means of certain select mummeries of their own, and +who make a great deal of money in their trade. +There are a great number of these in the city, so many +indeed that the business is over-done, and the price +of retail clairvoyance has come materially down. +The same dose of this article that formerly cost five +dollars, may now be had for fifty cents, and the +quality is not deteriorated, but is quite as good now +as it ever was.</p> + +<p>To one of these supernatural women did the hero +resolve to pay his next visit, and he selected the abode +of Mrs. Hayes, of 176 Grand Street, for his initiatory +consultation.</p> + +<p>With the mysterious psychological phenomena denominated +by those who profess to know them best, +“clairvoyant manifestations,” Johannes had nothing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span> +to do, and was content, as every one of the uninitiated +must perforce be, to accept the say-so of the spiritualistic +journals that there are such phenomena and that +they are unexplained and mysterious. No outside +unbelievers in Spiritualism and the kindred arts may +ever know anything of clairvoyant developments and +demonstrations, save such one-sided varnished statements +as the journals that deal in that sort of +commodities choose to lay before the world. Every +man must be spiritually wound up to concert pitch +before he is in a condition to receive the highest +revelations of the clairvoyant speculators. So that, +whether the clairvoyance that is sold for money be a +spurious or a superfine article few can tell. Certain it +is that it is the same sort of stuff that has ever been +retailed to the public under the name of clairvoyance, +ever since the discovery of that remunerative humbug. +It is more than likely that the twaddle of Mrs. Hayes, +Mrs. Seymour, and the rest of the fortune-telling +crew, would be repudiated by Andrew Jackson Davis +and the rest of the spiritualistic firstchoppers, but it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span> +is none the less true that these gifted women sell their +pretended knowledge of spirits and spiritual persons +and things, with as much pretentiousness to unerring +truth, as that veritable seer himself, and at a much +lower price.</p> + +<p>The clairvoyant department of modern witchcraft is +necessarily carried on by a partnership, and one which +is not identical with the legendary league with the +devil. Two visible persons constitute the firm, for it +takes a double team to do the work, and if the amiable +gentleman just referred to makes a third in the concern, +he is a silent partner who merely furnishes capital, +while his name is not known in the business. The +whole theory of clairvoyance as applied to fortune-telling +and other branches of cheap necromancy, seems +to be somewhat like this.</p> + +<p>A strong-minded person, generally a man with a +<i>physique</i> like a Centre-Market butcher boy, obtains by +some means possession of an extra soul or two, or spirit, +or whatever else that intangible thing may be called. +These spirits are always second-rate articles, not good<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span> +enough to be put into vigorous and strong bodies, and +which have been therefore hastily cased up in an +inferior kind of human frame as a sort of make-shift +for men and women.</p> + +<p>Your professional clairvoyant is always, both as to +soul and body, a botched-up job that nature ought to +be ashamed of, and probably is, if she’d own up.</p> + +<p>The senior partner of the clairvoyant fortune-telling +firm, the strong-minded one, according to their professions, +has the arbitrary control of the cast-off souls +that animate these refuse bodies. By what spiritual +hocus-pocus this is managed is not known to those +outside the trade. He uses their half-baked spirits +at his will, and makes his living by farming them out +to do dirty jobs for the paying public. He disconnects +them from their mortal vehicles, and sends them +on errands in the spirit-land in behalf of his customers, +looking up their “absent friends,” both in and +out of the body—telling of their health and prosperity +if they are still alive, and picking up little bits of scandal +about their angels if they are dead. The senior<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span> +partner also sends his abject two-and-sixpenny souls +to explore the bodies of his sick customers and +examine their internal machinery, point out any little +defects or disarrangements, and suggest the proper +remedies therefor, and in short, to do whatever other +dirty work the customer may choose to pay for.</p> + +<p>The senior partner of course pockets all the money, +merely keeping the mortal tenement in which the +working partner dwells in a good state of repair, in +consideration of services rendered.</p> + +<p>Such a partnership is the one of Mr. and Mrs. +Hayes, whose place of business is advertised every +day in the morning papers in the words following:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Clairvoyance.</span>—Astonishing cures and great discoveries +daily made by <span class="smcap">Mrs. Hayes</span>, that superior and wonderful clairvoyant. +All diseases discovered and cured (if curable). Unerring +advice given respecting persons in business, absent friends, +&c. Satisfactory examinations given in all cases, or no charge +made. Residence, 176 Grand St. N. Y.”</p></div> + +<p>Johannes, whose general health was excellent, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span> +whose internal apparatus was all right so far as heard +from, had therefore no occasion to be astonishingly +cured, or to have any great discoveries made in him +by Mrs. Hayes; still he was desirous of a little “unerring +advice about absent friends,” etc., from “that +superior and wonderful clairvoyant.”</p> + +<p>Besides, it was barely possible that in the person +of the superior and wonderful Mrs. Hayes, he might +find the bride for whom he pined. With hope slightly +renewed within his speculative breast, he set off joyfully +for the designated domicile, which he achieved +in the due course of travel.</p> + +<p>The house No. 176 Grand Street is a brick two-story +dwelling, of a dingy drab color, as though it had +been steeped in a Quaker atmosphere and had there +imbibed its color, which had since been overlaid with +“world’s people’s” dirt.</p> + +<p>The door was opened by Mrs. Hayes in person, her +body on this occasion being sent with her spirit to +do a bit of drudgery.</p> + +<p>She is a woman of the most abject and cringing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[183]</a></span> +manner imaginable; a female counterpart of Uriah +Heep, with an unknown multiplication of that vermicular +gentleman’s writhings; she wore no hoops, she +would have squirmed herself out of them in an instant; +her dress was fastened securely on with numerous +visible hooks and eyes, and pins, and strings, in spite +of which precautions her visitor expected to see her +worm out of it before she got up stairs, and would +scarcely have been astonished to see her jerk her +skeleton out of her skin, and complete her errand in +her bones.</p> + +<p>With a propitiating bow, whose intense servility +would have become Mr. Sampson Brass in the day of +his discomfiture, she asked her customer into the +house, cringingly preceded him up stairs, deferentially +placed a chair, and abjectly departed into an inner +room, pausing at the door to execute an obsequious +wriggle, and to once more humble herself in the dust +(of which there was plenty) before her astonished +visitor.</p> + +<p>The reception-room to which she led him, is an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[184]</a></span> +apartment of moderate size, from the front windows +of which the beholder may regale his eyes with a comprehensive +view of Centre Market and its charming +surroundings; Mott and Mulberry Streets lie just +beyond, and the Tombs are visible in the dim distance. +The room was furnished with a superfluity of gaudy +furniture; and sofas, tables, chairs and pictures, +crowded and elbowed each other, showing plainly +that the upholstery of a couple, at least, of parlors had +been there compressed into a bedroom.</p> + +<p>From the inner room came a great sound, made up +of so many household ingredients as to defy accurate +analysis—but the crying of babies, the frizzling of +cooking meat, the scraping of saucepans, and a sound +of somebody scolding everybody else, predominated.</p> + +<p>The voyager was unprepared for any <i>Mister</i> Hayes, +having taken it for granted that the <i>Mrs.</i> of the superior +and wonderful clairvoyant did not imply a husband, +but was merely assumed because it looks more +dignified in the advertisement. But there <i>was</i> a <i>Mr.</i> +Hayes, and presently the door opened and that worthy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[185]</a></span> +appeared; he was surrounded by an atmosphere +of fried onions, and the fragrant and greasy perspiration +in his face seemed to have been distilled from +that favorite vegetable.</p> + +<p>Mr. Hayes is a tall, fierce, sharp-spoken man, of +manners so very rough and bearish that his wife and +children quailed when he spoke as if they expected an +instant blow. We don’t know that it ever will be +possible for a man to garrote his guardian angel for +the sake of her golden crown, but the idea occurred +to Johannes that if that amiable feat is ever accomplished, +it will be by such another man as this. He +seemed as unable to speak a kind or gentle word as to +pull his boots off over his ears. He is an Englishman, +and speaks with the most intolerable cockney accent. +Moderating his harsh tones until they were almost as +pleasant as the threatenings of an ill-natured bull-dog, +and addressing his auditor, he growled out the following +specimen of delectable English:</p> + +<p>“There is lots of folks goin’ round town pretendin’ +to do clairvoyance, and to cure sick folks, and to tell<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[186]</a></span> +fortunes, and business, and journeys, and stole property; +but we ain’t none of them people. We only +do this for the sake of doin’ good, and we don’t want +to do nothin’ that will make any trouble. We used +to tell things about stole property, and about family +troubles, and so we sometimes used to get folks into +musses, but we don’t do nothin’ of that kind now. +If your business is about any kind of muss and trouble +in your family we don’t want nothin’ to do with it. +Sometimes folks that has quarrelled their wives away +come to us and wants us to get them back again, but +we don’t do nothing of that sort. We can tell ’em if +their wives are well, or if they’re sick and all about +what ails ’em, and so we can about any people that is +gone off anywhere, and them’s what we call ‘absent +friends.’ So if you’ve got any trouble with your wife +we can’t do nothin’ for you.”</p> + +<p>The love-lorn visitor had no wives, a fact known to +the reader already, and when he does accumulate a +help-meet, he sincerely trusts she may not be so unruly +as to require the interference of outsiders to preserve<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[187]</a></span> +harmony in the family. He expressed himself to that +effect, and added that his business was to find out +about the well-being of some friends in Minnesota, and +to ascertain particulars about some other trifles necessary +to his peace of mind.</p> + +<p>Hereupon Mr. Hayes, with a growl like a sulky +rhinoceros, opened the door which cut off the pot-and-kettle +Babel of the other room, and commanded his +wife to come, and that estimable lady, who is evidently +in a state of excellent subordination, instantly writhed +herself into the room. She sat down in an armchair, +and began to evolve a most remarkable series of +inane smiles, each one of which began somewhere +down her throat, rose to her mouth by jerks, and +finally faded away at the top of her head and the tips +of her ears. It was a purely spasmodic thing of disagreeable +habit, without a particle of geniality or +feeling about it.</p> + +<p>While this curious process was going on, the Doctor +had drawn down the window-shades, thus darkening +the room, and now approached for the purpose of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[188]</a></span> +unhooking from its earthly tabernacle the soul that +was to step up to Minnesota and bring back word to +his customer “how all the folks got along.” This he +accomplished by a few mysterious mesmeric passes, +and when the trance was induced, and the spirit had, +so to speak, tucked its breeches into its boots ready +for the muddy journey, he placed in the hand of +Johannes that of the corpus which still remained in +the armchair, and said to the disembodied spirit:</p> + +<p>“Now, I want you to go with this gentleman to +Brooklyn and take a fair start from there, and then go +where he tells you to, and tell him what things there +is there that you see.”</p> + +<p>Having delivered this injunction in a tone so indescribably +savage that he had better a thousand times +have struck her in the face, this amiable animal +retired to the Babel, taking with him the fried-onion +atmosphere.</p> + +<p>Then the woman in the chair began to speak, in a +style the most disagreeable and affected that anybody +ever listened to. It was more like that sickening gibberish<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[189]</a></span> +that nurses call “<i>baby-talk</i>,” than anything +else in the world. She spoke with a detestable whine, +and pronounced each syllable of every word separately, +as if she feared a two-syllable word might choke +her. Sick at the stomach as was her visitor at the +whole babyish performance, he so far controlled his +qualms as to note down the words hereunder written.</p> + +<p>Whoever has heard this woman in a professional +way can testify to the verbatim truth of this +sketch.</p> + +<p>“There is wa-ter that we must cross, we must go +in a boat musn’t we? Now we’re in the boat, and O +I see so many put-ty things, men, and dogs, and ships +and things going up and down; such beau-ti-ful things +I have never seened before. Now we are a-cross the +riv-er, and now we must get on the car, musn’t we? +What car must we get on? O I see it now, the yellow +car. Now we are going a-long and I can see—O +what a pret-ty dress in that store. O what real nice +can-dy that is. I wish I had some don’t you? Now +we’re at the house. Is it the one on the cor-ner, or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[190]</a></span> +the next one to it, or is it the brick house with the +green blinds? No, the wood one with green blinds; +so it is, but I didn’t be here be-fore ev-er in my life. +Now we will go in-to the house; I see a car-pet there +and some chairs and some—O what a pret-ty pic-ture, +and what a nice fire. I see a la-dy of ver-y pret-ty +ap-pear-ance. She is a young la-dy; she has got blue +eyes, she is stand-ing sideways so I can’t see noth-ing +of her but one side of her face. There is al-so an +el-der-ly la-dy, but I can’t see much of her. They appear +to be go-ing on a jour-ney, shall I go with them? +Yes, well I will. Now we are on the wa-ter and—O +what a pret-ty boat—now we are get-ting off of the +boat—I didn’t nev-er be here be-fore. Now we +are on a rail-road, I nev-er seened this rail-road +be-fore but—O what a pret-ty ba-by. Now we +go along, along, along, along, and now we are at the +de-pot. I didn’t ev-er be here ei-ther—there is a +riv-er here, and a mill and a—O what a pret-ty cow—somebody +is go-ing to milk the cow. There is a town +here—it seems as if I did be here before—yes I am<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[191]</a></span> +sure—O what a pret-ty lit-tle car-riage, and what a +pret-ty dog. Yes I am sure I seened this town be-fore, +but these rail-roads didn’t be here then.”</p> + +<p>By this time the travellers were supposed to have +reached St. Paul, and the reliable clairvoyant then +proceeded to describe that interesting young city; and +in the course of her speech made more improvements +there than will be accomplished in reality in less than +a year or two certainly.</p> + +<p>Among other things, Mrs. Hayes described as at +present existing in St. Paul, two Colleges, a City Hall +built of white marble, a locomotive factory, and a +place where they were building seven ocean steamers.</p> + +<p>She then, when she arrived at the house, in the +course of her mesmeric journey, where the people +concerning whom Johannes had inquired were supposed +to be at that present domiciled, proceeded to +give descriptions of those whom she saw there, of the +looks of the country and of the house.</p> + +<p>And <i>such</i> descriptions, as much like the truth as a +ton of “T” rail is like a boiled custard.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[192]</a></span></p> + +<p>By asking leading questions the seeker after clairvoyant +knowledge got some very original information. +He only began this course after he found that she, +if left to herself, could describe nothing, and could +utter no speech more coherent or sensible than that +already set down as coming from her illustrious lips.</p> + +<p>In fact, the policy of the clairvoyant-witch in every +case, is to wait for leading questions from the anxious +inquirer, so that the answers may be framed to suit the +exigencies of the case. Johannes was not slow to +perceive this, and by way of testing the science, or +rather, art of clairvoyance, he put a series of questions +which established the following interesting facts, all +of which were positively averred to be true by Mrs. +Hayes, “that superior and wonderful clairvoyant.”</p> + +<p>Minnesota Territory is a small town situated 911 +miles south-east of the mouth of the Mississippi River—its +officers are a chief cook and 23 high privates, +besides the younger brother of Shakspeare, who is the +Mayor of the Territory, and whose principal business it +is to keep the American flag at half-mast, upside down.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[193]</a></span></p> + +<p>When this last important information had been elicited, +Johannes, who thought he had got the worth +of his money, recalled Dr. Hayes, who reappeared, +surrounded by the same old atmosphere of the same +old onions; to him the customer resigned the hand +of the twaddling adult baby who had held his hand +for an hour and a half, paid his dollar, and then prepared +to depart.</p> + +<p>The soul of the woman then returned from its long +journey, and was locked up in its squirmy body by +the Doctor, ready to serve future customers at one +dollar a head.</p> + +<p>She didn’t seem glad to get her soul back again, +there probably not being enough to give her any great +joy, after she had got it.</p> + +<p>Johannes turned moodily away, feeling that the +conjuress, his future bride, the renovator of his broken +fortunes, and the ready relief to his present necessities, +was as far distant as ever.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[194]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[195]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Tells all about Mrs. Seymour, the Clairvoyant, of No.<br /> +110 Spring Street, and what she had to say.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER IX.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[197]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MRS. SEYMOUR, CLAIRVOYANT, No. 110 SPRING +STREET.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">This</span> woman is at the same time one of the most +pretentious and most clever of the clairvoyants, and +she does a very large business. Most of her customers +come for medical advice, although, in accordance with +her printed announcement, she is willing to talk about +“absent friends,” and whatever other business the +client may choose to pay for.</p> + +<p>One branch of the clairvoyant trade which formerly +brought as much money to their pockets as any other +department of their business, was the finding lost or +stolen property, and giving directions for the detection +of the thieves. This specialty has however been pretty +much abandoned of late by nearly all of them, in consequence<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[198]</a></span> +of law-proceedings against certain ones of +the sisterhood, which have in three or four instances +been commenced by parties who have been wrongfully +accused of theft, through the agency of the clairvoyant +impostors. Several suits have been instituted against +them for defamation of character, and they have been +made to smart so severely that they are now all very +careful about accusing persons of crimes.</p> + +<p>As an evidence of the implicit faith put in these +people by their dupes, it may be mentioned that many +applications have been made to Judge Welsh, of this +city, and to the other judges, for warrants of arrest +against respectable persons, for theft, the only grounds +of suspicion against them being, that some clairvoyant +had said that the property had been stolen by a +person of such and such a height, with hair and eyes +of this or that color, and that the suspected person +happened to answer the description. Of course, all +such applications for legal process have been refused +by the magistrates, and the applicants dismissed with +a severe rebuke.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[199]</a></span></p> + +<p>Mrs. Seymour was an intimate friend of Mrs. Cunningham, +of the Burdell-murder notoriety, and was a +witness in that memorable trial.</p> + +<p>The Cash Customer had an interview with this +woman, which he thus describes:</p> + + +<h4>Another Clairvoyant, who is not much in particular.</h4> + +<p>If a man be desirous of knowing what sort of a +moral character he bears in the spirit-world, and +what style of society his disembodied soul will circulate +in, or if he desires to know the particulars of the +after-death behavior of any of his acquaintances, of +course he will find it to his interest to marry a +“medium” of average respectability, and in good +practice, and so save the expense of frequent consultations. +The “rapping” and “table-tipping” communications +from the spirit-world are hardly satisfactory. +It is, very likely, pleasant for a man to be on +speaking terms with his bedroom furniture, to spend +an agreeable hour occasionally in conversation with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[200]</a></span> +his washhand-stand, to enjoy a spirited argument +with his bedstead and rocking-chair, or to receive +now and then a confidential communication from his +bootjack, but on the whole, these upholstery dialogues +do not satisfy the “yearnings of the soul after the +infinite.” The powers of speech of a washhand-stand +are circumscribed, bedsteads and rocking-chairs are +seldom equal to a sustained conversation, and the +most talkative bootjack has not a sufficient command +of language to make itself agreeable for any great +length of time. The logic of a poker may sometimes +be convincing, but it is not generally agreeable; and +the rhetoric of uneducated coal-scuttles is hardly +elegant enough to pass the criticism of a refined taste. +It is therefore much more satisfactory as well as economical, +for a person who desires to enjoy his daily chat +with the Spirits, to get a “speaking medium” to +translate the eloquence of all parties and make the +thing pleasant. Even then, confidential communications +must be very guarded, and on this account the +person who invents some means by which every man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[201]</a></span> +can be his own medium, will win an equal immortality +with the author of that invaluable book, “Every +Man his own Washerwoman.”</p> + +<p>Johannes had been thinking over the spiritual subject, +of course with a view to profitable matrimony, for +he thought he could manage to turn an intimacy with +the spirits to good pecuniary account, and inveigle +those incorporeal gentlemen into doing something for +those of their friends who are yet bothered with bodies.</p> + +<p>He knew that there are in New York, plenty of +spiritualists in such constant communication with their +acquaintances on the “other side of Jordan,” that +they know the bill of fare with which those seventh-heaveners +are served every day, and whenever their +jolly ghostships sit down to a pleasant game of whist, +they send word to their earthly relatives by “medium” +every fresh deal, what the new trump is, who hold the +honors, and how the game stands generally.</p> + +<p>So close a familiarity with superior beings as this, +could be easily turned to practical account and made +to pay handsomely, by a Spiritualist with a utilitarian<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[202]</a></span> +turn of mind. If he could but get his spirits into +proper subjection how useful would they not be in +the patent medicine business, in the way of inventing +new remedies; how invaluable would they be to an +editor; in fact, how particularly useful in almost any +kind of business.</p> + +<p>But his great plan was to train a corps of light-footed +and gentle ghosts to carry news; they would of course +beat locomotives, carrier pigeons, and electric telegraphs +out of sight; seas, mountains, and such trifling +obstacles would be no hindrance to them, and the +Associated Press, to say nothing of the Board of +Brokers, would pay handsomely for their services. +Of course a ghost with any pretensions to speed would +bring us detailed news from London in half-an-hour +or so, without putting himself out of breath in the +least, thus beating the telegraph by a length. And +so Johannes, fully determined on this promising +scheme, began to cast about him for a medium who +was acquainted in the spirit sphere, to introduce him +to some of the eligible ghosts.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[203]</a></span></p> + +<p>He knew that most of the clairvoyant women are +“mediums,” and thought very naturally that women +who already earned their living by clairvoyance, +would be the very ones to enter heart and soul with +him into his spiritualistic scheme.</p> + +<p>Yes, he would marry a medium, and if she was a +professional clairvoyant, so much the better, his bow +would have another string.</p> + +<p>In his search for a witch-wife he would not have +been justified in interfering at all with the clairvoyants +had it not been for the fact that they mix a little witchcraft +with their regular business. Their ostensible trade +is to diagnose and prescribe for different varieties of +internal disease, and so this particular branch of humbug +would not have come within the scope of the +voyager’s investigations, were it not that several of +these practitioners advertise to “tell the past, present, +and future, describe the future husband or wife, mark +out correctly the exact course of future life, give +unerring advice about business, absent friends, etc.”</p> + +<p>All this had too strong a savor of witchcraft to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[204]</a></span> +ignored, and accordingly Johannes set forth on his +journey to visit another of these mysteriously clear-sighted +persons, keeping in view all the time the +probabilities of her being an A 1 spiritual medium, +and the very person whose aid would be invaluable +in his new journalistic enterprise.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Seymour, of No. 110 Spring Street, was the +person towards whose house the Cash Customer bent +his steps, after reading the subjoined advertisement +of her powers and capabilities.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Clairvoyance.</span>—<span class="smcap">Mrs. Seymour</span>, 110 Spring Street, a few +doors west of Broadway, the most successful medical and business +Clairvoyant in America. All diseases discovered and cured, if +curable; unerring advice on business, absent friends, &c., and +satisfaction in all cases, or no charge made.”</p></div> + +<p>The clairvoyant branch of the fortune-telling business +seems to require a certain amount of respectability +in its practices, and they sneer at the +grosser deceptions of the more vulgar of the necromantic +trade. They keep aloof from the greasier +sisters of the profession, and they feel it due to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[205]</a></span> +dignity of their station to reject the cards, the magic +mirrors, the Bibles and keys, the mysterious pebbles +and the other tricks which do well enough for twenty-five +cent customers; to sojourn in reputable streets, +in respectable houses, and to have clean faces when +visitors come in. There are, it is true, clairvoyants +in the city who live wretchedly in miserable cellars, +whose garments and very hair are populated with +various specimens of animated nature, and whose +bodies are so filthy that the beholder wonders why +the spirits, which are so often disconnected from them +and sent on far-off missions, do not avail themselves +of the leave of absence to desert for ever such unsavory +corporeal habitations. But the majority of these +persons prefer parlors to basements, and make up the +difference in expenses by double-charging their customers. +Many of them, as before stated, combine a little +spiritualism of the other sort with the clairvoyance, +and they can all go into a trance on short notice +and rhapsodize with all the fervor if not the eloquence +of Mrs. Cora Hatch; they can all do the table-tipping<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[206]</a></span> +trick, and are up to more rappings than the Rochester +Fox girls ever thought of. For these several reasons +therefore Mrs. Seymour would be a wife worth +having, or at least so thought Johannes as he pondered +these truths, and arranged in his mind his plan +of attack on the affections of that susceptible lady.</p> + +<p>The house No. 110 Spring Street, occupied by Mrs. +Seymour for business purposes, is not more seedy in +appearance than the majority of half-way decent +tenant houses, which all have a decrepit look after +they are four or five years old, as though youthful dissipations +had made them weak in the joints. From +appearances, Mrs. Seymour’s house had been more +than commonly rakish in its juvenility, but it still +had that look of better days departed, which, in the +human kind, is peculiar to decayed ministers of the +gospel. It is a house where a man on a small salary +would apply for cheap board. Hither the inquirer +repaired, and shamefacedly knocked at the door, and +was admitted by a frowzy, coarse, plump, semi-respectable +girl, who would have been the better for a washing.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[207]</a></span> +She opened the door and the customer entered +the reception-room, and had ample time before the +appearance of the mistress to take an observation.</p> + +<p>The parlor was neatly, though rather scantily furnished, +with a rigid economy in the article of chairs. +The apartment communicated by folding-doors with +another room, whence could be heard an iron noise as +of some one scraping a saucepan with a kitchen-spoon. +The frowzy girl disappeared into this retired spot, and +in about the space of time that would be occupied by +an enterprising woman in rolling down her sleeves, +taking off her apron, and washing her hands, the +door opened, and Mrs. Seymour presented herself.</p> + +<p>She was a frigid-looking woman, of about 35 years +of age, with dark hair and eyes, projecting lips and +heavy chin, and was of medium height and size. Her +appearance was perhaps lady-like, her movements +slow and well considered. She was perfectly self-possessed +and calculating, and appeared to cherish no +dissatisfaction with herself. Her demeanor, on the +whole, was repelling and chilly, and impressed her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[208]</a></span> +visitor very much as if some one had slipped a lump +of ice down his back and made him sit on it till it +melted.</p> + +<p>She regarded him with a look of professional suspicion, +cast her eye round the room with a quick +glance, which instantly inventoried everything therein +contained, as though to assure herself of the safety of +any small articles which might be scattered about, +and then seated herself with an air of preparedness, +as if she was perfectly on guard and not to be taken +by surprise by anything that might occur. She +volunteered a frozen remark or two about the state +of the weather, and then subsided into silence, evidently +waiting to hear the object of the visit.</p> + +<p>Her appearance and demeanor had instantly frozen +out of the voyager’s mind all thoughts of marriage; +he would as soon have wedded an iceberg, or have +taken to his heart of hearts a thermometer with its +mercury frozen solid. All he could do was to buy a +dollar’s worth of her clairvoyance and then get out.</p> + +<p>As soon therefore as the first chill had passed off,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[209]</a></span> +and he had thawed out a few words for immediate use +he asked for a little of that commodity.</p> + +<p>When as he announced that he desired to know +about the present well or ill of some absent friends, +and that clairvoyance was the branch of her business +which would on this occasion be called into requisition, +she rose from her seat, walked to the door, never +taking her eyes from the hands and pockets of her +customer, and called to some one to come in. In +obedience to the summons, the frowzy girl entered; +this latter individual, since her first appearance, had +taken off her apron and pinned some kind of a collar +around her neck, but had not yet found time to comb +her hair, which was exceedingly demonstrative, and +forced itself upon attention.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Seymour seated herself in a rocking-chair and +closed her eyes; the plump girl stood behind her and +pressed her thumbs firmly upon the temples of Mrs. +S. for about two minutes, during which time this latter +lady lost every instant something of life and animation, +until at last she froze up entirely. Then the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[210]</a></span> +frowzy girl made one or two mysterious mesmeric +passes over the sleeping beauty from her head to her +feet, to fix her in the iceberg state; then placing the +hand of Mrs. S. in the palm of the customer, she +left the room.</p> + +<p>The worst of it was that Mrs. Seymour’s hand is +not an agreeable one to hold; it is cold and flabby, and +not suggestive of vitality. Her face, too, had become +pallid and corpse-like, and her thin blue lips were not +pleasant to regard. Johannes was puzzled; he didn’t +know what to do with the flabby hand, and how he +was to get any information about absent friends from +a fast-asleep woman he did not, as yet, exactly comprehend. +At this juncture, the lips asked, “Where +am I to go to?” The sitter suppressed a sulphurous +reply, and substituted, “To Minnesota.” Thereupon, +without any more definite direction as to what part +of that rather extensive territory she was expected to +visit, she sent her spirit off, and immediately uttered +these words:</p> + +<p>“I see two old people, two <i>very</i> old people—one is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[211]</a></span> +a man and one is a woman; one of them has been +very sick of bilious fever, but is now better, and will +soon be quite well again. I can’t tell exactly how +these people look except that they are very old and +both are very grey. They may be husband and wife. +I think they are. They are both sitting down now. +I also see two young people—one of them is a male +and the other a female. The male I do not perceive +very plainly, and I cannot make out much about him; +he seems to be standing up and looking very sad, but +I can’t tell you a great deal about him. The female +I can see much better, and can make out more about. +She is tall, and has dark hair. She appears to be +connected in some way to the old people, but I do not +think she is related to the young man, though I cannot +exactly make out. She is a very agreeable-looking +female, rather pretty, I should say, if not positively +handsome. She has straight hair and does not +wear curls. She is standing up now, and appears to +be talking to the young man, who has his back partly +turned toward her. I don’t quite make out what they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[212]</a></span> +are saying. She has had a very severe attack of sickness, +but has nearly or quite recovered. She is not, +however, what I should call a healthy female, and she +will soon have another fit of sickness, which will be +worse than the first, and will bring her very low indeed—very +near to death. But she will not die then, though +she is not what I should call a long-lived person. +She will certainly die in six or eight years. What +disease she will die of I can’t just make out, but it +will not be of a lingering character: it will carry her +off suddenly. These people are all very anxious +about you, as if you was one of their family. They +have not heard from you lately, and are looking daily +for intelligence from you. They have written to you +twice within three months. One of the letters got to +this city—a man took it out of the mail. I don’t +know where he took it out, and I can’t exactly +describe the man, but a man took it out of the mail. +These people are not satisfied to live where they are +now; they are discontented with the country, and +will return here in the Spring. They are talking<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[213]</a></span> +about it now. They would like to come back this +Winter, but circumstances are so that they cannot. +You may be sure, however, that you will see them +here in the Spring. There is no doubt of it; they +will come here in the Spring. The other letter that I +told you of that they had written has got here safe, +and is now in the Post-Office. You will find it there +if you inquire; you will be sure to get it as soon as +you go down to the office.”</p> + +<p>This was delivered in a very jerky manner, with +occasional twitchings of the face and violent claspings +of the hand, which her visitor retained, although it +gave him a cold sweat to do it. Johannes, who has +friends in Minnesota, and whose questions were therefore +all in good faith, tried to get the sleeping female +to descend a little more to particulars, to describe individuals +or localities minutely enough to be recognised +if the descriptions approached the truth; but Mrs. +Seymour was not to be caught in this manner. She +invariably dodged the question, and dealt only in the +most vague and uncertain generalities—giving no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[214]</a></span> +description of persons or things that might not have +applied with equal accuracy to a hundred other persons +or things in that or any other locality. Her +assertions concerning the persons supposed to be her +customer’s friends did not approach the truth in any +one particular; nor was there the slightest shadow of +even probability in any single statement she uttered. +She is not, however, a woman to lack customers, so +long as there remain in the world fools of either sex.</p> + +<p>When the inquirer had concluded his questioning, +he was somewhat at a loss how to awake the woman +from her trance, but she solved that little difficulty +herself by opening her eyes (as if she had been wide +awake all the time) and calling for the beauteous +maiden of the snarly hair, who accordingly appeared +and made a few mysterious mesmeric passes lengthwise +of her sleeping mistress, and awoke her to the +necessity of dunning her visitor, which she did +instantly and with a relish. He paid the demanded +dollar and departed.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[215]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Describes Madame Carzo, the Brazilian Astrologist, of No.<br /> +151 Bowery, and gives all the romantic adventures<br /> +of the “Individual” with that gay<br /> +South American Naiad.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[216]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER X.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[217]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MADAME CARZO, THE BRAZILIAN ASTROLOGIST, +No. 151 BOWERY.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">The</span> illustrious lady who is the subject of the present +chapter, came to the city of New York in 1856, and at +once took lodgings and began business in the fortune-telling +way. She did well, pecuniarily speaking, for +a time, but the details of a visit to her having been +published at length in one of the daily journals, she +at once retired from the business, and subsided into +private life. She is not now extant as a witch, and it +is not impossible that she is earning an honester living +in other ways.</p> + +<p>The newspaper article that convinced her of the +error of her ways, and induced her to give up fortune-telling, +is the subjoined chapter by the “Individual:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[218]</a></span>”</p> + + +<h4>He meets a Yankee-Brazilian. She is not ill-looking, etc.</h4> + +<p>Whether the budding beauties of maidenhood are +inconsistent with the orgies of witchcraft; whether +there be an irreconcilable antagonism between youth +and loveliness, and the unknown mysteries of the black +art, is a vexed question of some interest. Can’t a +woman be supposed to indulge in a little devilment +before her hair turns grey, and her teeth fall out? and +is it impossible for her to have reliable and trustworthy +dealings with Old Scratch until she is wrinkled and +withered?</p> + +<p>That’s what I want to know.</p> + +<p>And I am very naturally urged to the inquiry by the +observation that every professional witch in New York +calls herself a “Madame.” There is not a “Miss” or a +“Mademoiselle,” in the whole batch. They all make +a pretence of being widows, or wives at the very least, +as if a certain amount of matrimonial tribulation was +indispensable to their accomplishment in the arts of +sorcery and magic. The only exception to this rule is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[219]</a></span> +found in the person of a female calling herself “The +Gipsy Girl,” who is otherwheres mentioned, and in +<i>her</i> case the several agencies of nature, rum, and small-pox +have made her so strikingly ugly that old age +could not add a single other trait of repulsiveness to +her excruciating features.</p> + +<p>Now this is all a sad mistake. Let some young and +undeniably pretty girl go into the business, and she’d +soon get a run of exclusive customers who would stand +any price and pay without grumbling. If the original +Satan should refuse to recognise her eligibility, and +should decline to furnish her with the requisite quantity +of diabolic knowledge to set her up in business, she +could easily find an opposition devil who would provide +her stock in trade, and possibly at something less than +the usual rates. I’ll be bound that Lucifer doesn’t +monopolize the whole trade in witchcraft, and pocket +all the profits himself; for if some of the numerous +clerks in his employ haven’t yet learned the trick of +stealing the stock and selling it at a reduced price, +then the young gentlemen of our earthly mercantile<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[220]</a></span> +houses are a good deal up-to-snuffer than the virtuous +demons of Mr. Satan’s establishment. This last-named +dealer generally demands the soul of the contracting +party in return for the powers and privileges conferred; +and in very many cases he must get decidedly the worst +of the bargain, for some of his precious adopted children +never had soul enough to pay for the ink to sign it +away with; but there is no doubt, in case a brisk +competition should arise for customers, that some of +his cashiers and head-clerks would contrive to under-sell +him even at this price.</p> + +<p>The person who is so very anxious to effect this +desirable consummation, and to bring on a crop of +young and pretty witches to supersede the grizzled +ones of this present generation was Johannes, who had +of late been getting rather sick of the “Madames,” and +would prefer, if possible, to have the rest of his fortunes +told by ladies of tenderer age, and greater inexperience +in the ways of the world.</p> + +<p>However, he was not the man to be deterred, in his +pursuit of wisdom, by the age and ugliness, grey hairs,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[221]</a></span> +wrinkles, false teeth, <i>no</i> teeth, dirt, ignorance, and +imbecility he had encountered, and he was determined +to go on to the very end and see if these are the sum +total of modern witchcraft.</p> + +<p>And then <i>duns</i> came o’er the spirit of his dream, +and fond visions of sundry small debts, paid by magic +and a wife, as soon as he should succeed in finding the +wife who had the magic, floated across his hard-up +brain, and encouraged him to perseverance in his +matrimonial quest. And when he had won that +invaluable lady, he would stuff his mattress with +receipted bills, and cram his pillow with cancelled +notes, lie down to pleasant dreams, and awake to +ready cash.</p> + +<p>Sweet thought!</p> + +<p>So he made ready to visit the humble abode of +<span class="smcap">Madame Carzo, the Brazilian Astrologist</span>, +<i>No. 151 Bowery</i>.</p> + +<p>To say that he discovered, in this lady, the ideal of +his search, that he found her handsome, intelligent, +learned in the stars and thoroughly posted in the other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[222]</a></span> +branches of her trade, would be to anticipate. Suffice +to say that boa-constrictors, half-naked savages, dye-woods, +Jesuit’s bark, cockatoos, scorpions and ring-tailed +monkeys, are not, as he had hitherto supposed, +the only contributions to the happiness of mankind +afforded by South America, for the Province of +Brazil grows fortune-tellers of a very superior quality +as to respectability and neatness of appearance. A +Brazilian witch was something new, and without +stopping to inquire how she had strayed so far away +from home, he immediately argued that that single +fact was decidedly in her favor. Thus ran the logic:</p> + +<p>If there be any diabolism in modern witchcraft, the +practisers thereof who have received their education +in tropical latitudes ought to be the most worthy of +credence and belief, inasmuch as the temperature of +their places of residence seems to afford a supposition +that they live nearer head-quarters, and are, therefore, +most likely to receive information by the shortest +routes.</p> + +<p>By the time he arrived at the spot where the great<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[223]</a></span> +astrologist condescended to abide, he had, by this +course of reasoning, convinced himself that he ought +to place implicit confidence in any revelations of the +future made by the mysterious woman who advertised +herself and her calling, daily in the papers as +follows:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Madame Carzo</span>, the gifted Brazilian Astrologist, tells the +fate of every person who visits her with wonderful accuracy, +about love, marriage, business, property, losses, things stolen, +luck in lotteries, absent friends, at No. 151 Bowery, corner of +Broome.”</p></div> + +<p>The South American lady had located her mysterious +self in a fragrant spot.</p> + +<p>The corner of Bowery and Broome Street and +vicinity seems to have some kind of a constitutional +disorder, and it relieves itself by a cutaneous eruption +of low rum shops and pustulous beer saloons, which +always look as if they ought to be squeezed and +rubbed with ointment of red lead. To an observing +person it appears as if the city wanted to scratch itself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[224]</a></span> +in that particular part to relieve the local irritation, +and then ought, for the sake of its general health, to +take a large dose of brimstone immediately afterward. +The liquors sold at these places are those pure and +healthful beverages, “warranted to kill at forty rods,” +and are the very drinks with which a convivial, but +revengeful man, would wish to regale his friend +against whom he held a secret grudge. Why +Madame Carzo had chosen this particular locality, +does not appear; perhaps because the liquor was +cheap and the rent low. Certain it is that there she +sat, at a window overlooking the Bowery, in full +view of all the pedestrians in the street and the passengers +in the 4th Avenue Railroad.</p> + +<p>Madame Carzo was, doubtless, deeply attached to +her old Brazilian home, and loved to surround +herself with circumstances and things that would +constantly and vividly recall pleasant memories of her +southern country. Cherishing, probably, kindly and +regretful remembrances of the harmless reptiles of +her own Brazilian forests, she had taken up her abode<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[225]</a></span> +in the very thick of the Bowery bar-rooms, as the +only things afforded by our frigid climate, at all +approaching in life-destroying malignity the speedier +venoms to which she had been accustomed in her +delightful southern home. First-rate facilities for +drugging a man into a state of crazy madness are +offered at the bar across the way; he may swill himself +into a condition of beastly stupidity with lager +beer from next door below; he may be pleasantly +poisoned by degrees with the drugged alcohol, in +various forms, which is sold next door above; or he +may be more speedily disposed of with a couple of +doses of “doctored” whiskey from the festering den +just round the corner. Lucrezia Borgia was a +novice, a mere babe in toxicology. New York +wholesale liquor dealers could teach her the alphabet +in the fine art of slow poisoning. She would no +longer need the subtle chemistry of the Borgias; she +could learn of them to poison wholesale and to do the +work by labor-saving machinery.</p> + +<p>Johannes, resolved that if he should marry the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[226]</a></span> +astrologist he would move out of the neighborhood, +and take a house in a cleaner part of the city, +for he felt that if he had to do even the courting here, +he would have to fumigate himself after every visit +to his lady-love as though he had just come out of a +yellow-fever ship. He knew that if he should chance +to meet the Health Officer in the street after a two +hours’ stay in that locality, that trusty official would, +from the unhealthy smell of his coat, quarantine him +for forty days, and put him up to his neck in a barrel +of chloride of lime every morning.</p> + +<p>But a full-fledged Cupid is a plucky animal, and +not easily killed by anything no more tangible than +smell, and the particular Cupid that had possession +of the voyager’s heart came of a long-suffering breed, +and was equal to almost any emergency. So as +Johannes did not feel his ardent passion die, or even +turn sick at the stomach, he thought he could manage +to get through. If he couldn’t get along any +other way, he could fill his pockets with brimstone +matches, and his boots full of blue vitriol. Or he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[227]</a></span> +could carry a bunch of Chinese fire-crackers in his +hat, and touch them off on the sly whenever he felt +himself in need of a healthy smell. Then he could +wash himself all over in lime-water, and drink a quart +or so of some liquid disinfectant every time he came +away. So he went ahead.</p> + +<p>Madame Carzo, the Brazilian interpreter of Yankee +fate and fortunes, lives in the third story of the house +No. 151 Bowery, with her sister, a girl of about +fifteen years of age. The two occupy themselves +with plain sewing, except when the Madame is overhauling +the future and taking a look at the hereafter +of some anxious inquirer, who pays her as much for +the reliable information she imparts in three minutes, +as she would charge him for making three shirts. +The inquirer gave his customary modest ring at the +door, and was admitted with as little question as if he +had been the taxes, the Croton water, or the gas. Up +the two flights of stairs walked the gentleman in the +pursuit of witchcraft, gave a bashful knock at the +door, at the side of which was painted, on a small bit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[228]</a></span> +of pasteboard, “Madame Carzo”—repented of his +temerity before the echo of the knock had died away, +but was admitted into the room before his repentance +had time to develop itself into running away.</p> + +<p>A shabby-looking girl, with her hair in as much +confusion as if the city had contracted to keep it +straight, with one ear-ring in her ear, and the other +on the table, with her shoes down at the heel, her +dress unhooked behind, and her breast-pin wrong side +up, was the model young woman who had answered +the knock. She had evidently been engaged in an +animated single combat with another young woman, +of about the same quality and age, who was seated on +a low stool in the corner, for she instantly renewed +hostilities by stabbing her antagonist in the arm with +a needle, tapping her on the head with a thimble, and +kicking her pin-cushion under the table, so she could +not recover it without crawling on her hands and +knees.</p> + +<p>On a small sofa or lounge at the side of the room +was a quantity of what ladies call “work,” thrown<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[229]</a></span> +down in a great hurry, with the needle yet sticking in +it, and the scissors, and the beeswax, and the measuring +tape, and the bodkin half-concealed inside, as if +the knock at the door had startled the needle-woman, +and she had flown to parts unknown. It was +undoubtedly Madame Carzo herself who had so unceremoniously +deserted her colors and her weapons, and +Johannes looked at the needle with veneration, +viewed the thimble with respect, and regarded the +beeswax and the bodkin with concentrated awe.</p> + +<p>A small cooking-stove was in the side of the room, +and immediately over it was a picture of St. Andrew +in such a position that he could smell all the dinners; +a number of other pictures of Roman Catholic subjects +were neatly framed and hanging against the +wall. St. Somebody taking his ease on an X-shaped +cross, St. Somebody Else comfortably cooking on a +gridiron, and St. Somebody, different from either of +these, impaled on a spear like a bug in an Entomological +Museum. There was also an atrocious colored +print labelled “Millard Fillmore,” which, if it at all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[230]</a></span> +resembled that venerated gentleman, must have been +taken when he had the measles, complicated with +the mumps and toothache, and was attired in a sky-blue +coat, a red cravat, yellow vest, and butternut-colored +pantaloons.</p> + +<p>The room was neatly furnished with carpet, table, +chairs, cheap mirror, and a lounge. While the visitor +was taking this observation, the two young ladies +before mentioned had continued to spar after a feminine +fashion, and had finished about three rounds; +the model, who had answered the bell, had got the +other one, who was black-haired and vicious, under +the table, and was following up her advantage by +sticking a bodkin into the tender places on her feet +and ancles. When the model had at length thoroughly +subjugated and subdued the black-haired one, and +reduced her to a state of passive misery, she turned to +her visitor with an amiable smile, and asked him if +he desired to see the Madame. Receiving an affirmative +reply, she gave a sly kick to her fallen foe, stepped +on her toes under pretence of moving away a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[231]</a></span> +chair, and then disappeared into another room to +inform Madame Carzo that visitors and dollars were +awaiting her respectful consideration in the anteroom.</p> + +<p>The “gifted Brazilian astrologist” regarded the +suggestion with a favorable eye, for the model soon +reappeared and showed the searcher after hidden +knowledge into a bedroom nearly dark, wherein +were several dresses hanging on the wall, a bed, two +chairs, a table, and Madame Carzo. The light was so +arranged as to fall directly in the face of the stranger, +while the countenance of the Madame was, to a certain +extent, hidden in shadow.</p> + +<p>Johannes, nevertheless, in spite of this disadvantage, +by careful observation, is enabled to give a +tolerably accurate description of Madame Carzo, as +follows: She is a tall, comely-looking woman, with +unusually large black eyes, clear complexion, dark +hair worn <i>à la Jenny Lind</i>, a small hand, clean, and +with the nails trimmed, and she has a low sweet +voice. Her dress was lady-like, being a neat half-mourning<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[232]</a></span> +plaid, with a plain linen collar at the neck, +turned smoothly over; altogether, Madame Carzo, +the Brazilian astrologist, who speaks without a +symptom of foreign accent, impressed her customer as +being a transplanted Yankee school ma’am, with +shrewdness enough to see that while civilization and +enlightenment would only pay her twenty dollars a +month, and superstition and ignorance would give her +twice that sum in a week, she couldn’t, of course, +afford to live in a civilized and enlightened neighborhood, +and depend exclusively on civilization and +enlightenment for a living.</p> + +<p>And Johannes was smitten, he had found her, and +if his fortune was propitious he would yet win and +wed the Brazilian astrologist, and she should have +the honor of paying his debt, and earning his bread +and butter. But he would make no advances yet for +fear of accidents; he would not commit himself until +he had called upon the rest of the witches on his list, +to see, if perchance, he might not find one more +eligible. If not, then by all means Madame Carzo<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[233]</a></span> +should be the chosen one. The first thing evidently +was to ascertain her proficiency in the magic +arts.</p> + +<p>The sorceress and the anxious inquirer seated +themselves face to face, and the following dialogue +ensued: “Do you wish to consult me, Sir?” “Yes.”</p> + +<p>“My terms are a dollar for gentlemen.”</p> + +<p>The expected dollar was handed over, when the +’cute Yankeeism of the Brazilian lady blazed out +brilliantly, for she instantly produced a “Thompson’s +Bank-note Detector” from under a pillow, and a one +dollar note, issued by the President and Directors of +the “Quinnipiack Bank” of Connecticut, underwent +a severe scrutiny. At last the genuineness of the bill +and the solvency of the bank were certified to the +Madame’s satisfaction, in his oracular pamphlet, +by Thompson with a “p,” and Madame Carzo was +evidently satisfied that her customer didn’t mean to +swindle her, but was good for small debts not exceeding +one dollar each. Accordingly she took his left +hand, regarded it for some time, apparently delighted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[234]</a></span> +with its model symmetry, but at last so far conquered +her silent admiration as to speak and say:</p> + +<p>“You were born under two planets, Moon and +Mars, Moon brings you a great deal of trouble in the +early part of your life. Moon has occasioned a great +deal of anxiety to your parents on your account. +Moon made you liable to accidents and misfortunes +while you was a boy, and Moon will give you great +trouble until you arrive at middle age. You were +born, I should say, across the water, and you will die +across the water in a city, but not a great city. You +are, I should say, now far away from that city, and +from your home, and parents, and friends, who are, I +should say, all now far across the water. You will +be sure, however, I should say, for to see them all +before you die, and to die in the city that I told you +of. Your line of life runs to 60; you will, I should +say, live to be 60, but not much after. Moon will +cause you much trouble for many years, but you will +be certain for to succeed well in the end, I should +say. You will be certain for to have final success<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[235]</a></span> +and to conquer every obstacle, in spite of Moon, I +should say.”</p> + +<p>Incensed as was Johannes at Moon for thus unjustifiably +interfering with his prospects and meddling +with his private affairs, he still admired the more the +profitable science of the wonderful lady whose +acquirements in magic had given her so intimate an +acquaintance with Moon, as to enable her to tell so +exactly the plans and intentions of that unruly and +adverse planet.</p> + +<p>He mastered his indignation and listened attentively +to the sequel.</p> + +<p>On the small stand were two packs of cards of +different sizes, and a volume of Byron. Madame +Carzo took up one pack of the cards, presented them +to the young man, waited for them to be cut three +times, after which she said:</p> + +<p>“You face up a good fortune I should say, you +have had trouble but can now, I should say, see the +end of it—you face up money, which is coming to you +from over the water, I should say, and you will be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[236]</a></span> +sure for to get it before a great while. You will +never have much money from relations or friends, +though you will, I should say, perhaps have some—but +though you will handle a great deal of money in +your lifetime you will make the most of it yourself, +I should say—you will not, however, I should say, +ever be able for to become very rich, for you will +never be able for to keep money, although you will +have the handling of a great deal in your life. No, I +am certain that you will never be rich.”</p> + +<p>Here Johannes remembered the malicious influence +of Moon upon his fortunes, and as he clinched his +fists, felt as if he would like to get at the man who +resides in that ill-conditioned planet, and have a back-hold +wrestle with him on stony ground.</p> + +<p>But the astrologist continued thus: “You face up +a letter; you also face up good news which is to come +speedily I should say; you don’t face up a sick bed, +or a coffin, or a funeral, or any kind of immediate bad +luck that I am able to see. You face up two men, +one dark and one light complexioned. You must<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[237]</a></span> +beware of the dark-complexioned man, for I should say +he will do you an injury if you allow him for to have +a chance. You like to study: the kind of business +you would do best in is <i>doctor</i>. You face up a light-complexioned +lady; you will, I should say, be able +to marry this lady, though a dark-complexioned man +stands in the way. You must, I should say, be particularly +careful to beware of the dark-complexioned +man. You will be married twice; your first wife +will die, but your last wife, I should say, will be +likely for to outlive you. You will have three +children, which will be all, I should say, that you will +be likely for to have.”</p> + +<p>And this was all for the present, except that she +told her visitor that he might draw thirteen cards, +and make a wish, which he did, and she, on carefully +examining the cards, told him that he would certainly +have his wish.</p> + +<p>Cheered by this last grateful promise, and bidding +a mental defiance to Moon, the traveller left the room. +In the reception chamber he found the model and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[238]</a></span> +black-eyed one just coming to time for what he should +judge was the twenty-seventh round, both much +damaged in the hair, but plucky to the last.</p> + +<p>Johannes walked briskly away, feeling that his +matrimonial prospects were brighter now than for +many a day, and fully determined that if, on going +further he fared worse, he would certainly retrace his +steps and wed Madame Carzo off-hand.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI" id="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[239]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>In which is set down the prophecy of Madame Leander<br /> +Lent, of No. 163 Mulberry Street; and how she<br /> +promised her Customer numerous Wives<br /> +and Children.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[240]</a></span></h3> + + +<h2>CHAPTER XI.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[241]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MADAME LEANDER LENT, No. 163 MULBERRY +STREET.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">I have</span> before suggested, in as plain terms as the +peculiar nature of the subject will allow, that these +fortune-telling women, having most of them been +prostitutes in their younger days, in their withered +age become professional procuresses, and make a +trade of the betrayal of innocence into the power +of Lust and Lechery. This assertion is so eminently +probable that few will be inclined to dispute it, +but I wish to be understood that this is no matter +of mere surmise with me—it is a proven fact. And +the evidences of its truth have been gathered, not +alone from the formal and hurried records of the +police courts, but from the lips of certain inmates +of various Magdalen Asylums who have been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[242]</a></span> +reclaimed from their former homes of shame; and from +the mouths of other repentant women, who, under circumstances +where there was no object to deceive, and +at times when their hearts were full of grateful love +for those who had interposed to save them from utter +despair, have in all simple truthfulness and honor, +related their life-histories. It is impossible to give +even a plausible guess at the aggregate number +of young women, in this great city, who compromise +their honorable reputations in the course of a +single year; but of those whose shame becomes publicly +known, and especially of those who eventually +enter houses of ill-repute, the percentage whose fall +was accomplished through the instrumentality, more +or less direct, of the professional fortune-tellers, is +astounding. And a curious fact connected with this +subject is, that of these unfortunates who thus wander +astray, not one in ten but has ever after the most +superstitious and implicit faith in the supernatural +powers of the witch. Each one sees in her own case +certain things that have been foretold to her by the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[243]</a></span> +fortune-teller with such circumstantiality of time +and place, and which have afterwards “come to +pass,” so exactly in accordance with the prophecy, +that she can only account for it by ascribing supernatural +prescience to the prophetess.</p> + +<p>The true solution of the matter is, of course, that +the wonderful fulfilments are achieved by means of +confederacy and collusion with parties with whom the +dupe is never brought in contact; a common <i>modus +operandi</i> of this sort is elsewhere described.</p> + +<p>Nor are the fortune-tellers and the brothel-keepers +by any means content with playing into each +other’s hands in a general sort of way; there are, in +New York, several <i>firms</i>, consisting each of a fortune-teller +and a mistress of a bawdy-house, who have +entered into a perfectly organized business partnership, +and who ply their fearful trade with as much +zeal and enthusiasm as is ever exhibited in the active +competition between rival commercial houses engaged +in legitimate trade.</p> + +<p>Although this fact is one that cannot be substantiated<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[244]</a></span> +by the production of any sworn documents, it +is as well proven by the observations of keen-eyed +detectives attached to the police department, and to +some of the charitable institutions of this city, as though +attested articles of co-partnership could be exhibited +with the signatures of the contracting parties attached +thereto. A gentleman of this city, in whose word I +have the most perfect confidence, tells me that he +once, by a curious accident, overheard a business consultation +between the two members of such a firm; +and that such partnerships <i>do</i> exist, and that by their +means hundreds of ignorant young women, of the +lower classes, are every year betrayed to their moral +ruin, I no more doubt than I doubt the rotundity of +the earth.</p> + +<p>If the illustrious woman who is the subject of the +present chapter should ever surmise that the foregoing +observations are intended to have a personal application +to herself, the author will give her much more +credit for sagacity and discernment than he did for +supernatural wisdom.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[245]</a></span></p> + +<p>Madame Leander Lent is one of the most shrewd, +unscrupulous, and dirty of all the goodly sisterhood +of New York witches. She has so great a run of +customers that her doors are often besieged by +anxious inquirers as early as eight o’clock in the +morning, and the servant is frequently puzzled to find +room and chairs to accommodate the shame-faced +throng, till her ladyship sees fit to get out of bed and +begin the labors of the day. She is then impartial +in the distribution of her favors; the audiences are +governed by barber-shop rules, and the visitors are +admitted to the presence in the order of their coming, +and any one going out forfeits his or her “turn” and +on returning must take position at the tail end of the +queue.</p> + +<p>The Fates show no favoritism.</p> + +<p>The quarter in which Madame Lent has domiciled +herself and her familiars, is by no means in the most +aristocratic part of the city. “Mulberry,” is the +pomological name of the street, and it has never been +celebrated for its cleanliness or for its eligibility as a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[246]</a></span> +site for princely mansions. In fact it has been, on the +whole, rather neglected by that class of society who +generally indulge in palatial luxuries.</p> + +<p>Hercules, in his capacity of an amateur scavenger, +once attempted the cleaning of the Augean stables, or +some such trifle, and his success was trumpeted +throughout the neighborhood as a triumph of ingenuity +and perseverance. If Hercules would come to +Gotham and try his hand at the purgation of Mulberry +Street, our word for it, he would, in less than a +week, knock out his brains with his own club in utter +despair.</p> + +<p>There never yet were swine with stomachs strong +enough to feed upon the garbage of its gutters, +or with instincts so perverted as to wallow in its filth. +Dogs, lean and wild-eyed, the outcasts of the canine +world, sometimes, driven by sore stress of hunger, +sneak here with drooping tails and shame-faced looks, +to search for bones, and then, wounded in their self-respect +by the very act, they drag their osseous provender +to a distance, and upon some sunny mud-heap,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[247]</a></span> +dine in dainty neatness. The very pavement is +broken into countless hillocks and ruts like waves, as +if, in utter disgust at the place and its associations, +the street was trying to roll itself away in stony billows. +The shattered wrecks of worn-out drays and +carts stand forsaken in the street, keeping each other +dismal company, while an occasional shackly wheelbarrow +makes the place look as though, after some +monstrous fashion, it were a lying-in hospital for +poverty-stricken vehicles, and the wheelbarrows were +the new-born children, decrepit even in their babyhood. +The houses in this pleasant vale have a disheartened +tumble-down look, and give the impression +of having been originally built by apprentices out of +second-hand material. They lean maliciously over +the narrow sidewalks, and keep up a constant +threatening of a sudden collapse and a general smash +of passers-by. If the houses are not dirtier than the +street, it is only because every possible element of filth +enters into the latter; if they are not dirtier inside than +outside, it is because superlatives have no superlative.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[248]</a></span></p> + +<p>Pawnbrokers’ shops are plentiful, kept always by +sharp-featured restless Jews, who watch for unwary +passers-by like unclean beasts crouching in noisome, +dangerous lairs; while bar-rooms yawn in frequent +cellars to devour bodily the victims the Jews only rob.</p> + +<p>In this, one of the dirtiest streets in this dirty +metropolis, directly opposite the English Lutheran +Church of St. James, in one of the dirtiest tenant-houses +in the street, abideth Madame Leander Lent, +the prophetess. Why the mysterious powers didn’t +select an earthly representative with a more reputable +dwelling-place is a mystery; but there seems to +be an inseparable congeniality between prophetic +knowledge and concentrated nastiness, utterly beyond +all power of explanation. The Madame advises the +public of her business in the terms following:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Astrology.</span>—Madame <span class="smcap">Leander Lent</span> can be consulted about +love, marriage, and absent friends; she tells all the events of life +at No. 169 Mulberry-st., first floor, back room. Ladies 25 +cents; gents 50 cents. She causes speedy marriage. Charge +extra.”</p></div> + +<p>Her customers are much more addicted to love<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[249]</a></span> +than marriage, so that the wedlock clause cannot +be relied on to bring many fish to the net, but it is +supposed to give an air of respectability to the advertisement.</p> + +<p>The Cash Customer was, perhaps, an exception to +this general rule, and feeling that he would on the +whole rather like a “speedy marriage,” and wouldn’t +so much mind the “extra charge,” he went, in cold +blood, with this matrimonial intent to the street, found +the number, and heroically entered the house in the +very face of a threatened unclean baptism from the +upper windows.</p> + +<p>His timid knock at the door of the room was +answered by a sturdy “Come in,” from the inside; +hat deferentially in hand he modestly entered, and +was received by a fat woman with a bust of proportions +exceeding those of Mrs. Merdle in “Little +Dorrit,” and who was attired in a dress which may +have been clean in the earlier years of its history, +though the supposition is exceedingly apocryphal.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[250]</a></span> +This lady pointed to a chair, and then composedly +seated herself and resumed her explorations with a +comb, in the hair of a vicious boy of about three +years old, the eldest scion of Madame Leander.</p> + +<p>Her enthusiasm in the cause of entomological +science was too ardent to be quenched by the mere +presence of an observer, and she continued to hunt +her insect prey with all the ardor of a she-Nimrod, +and with a zeal that was rewarded by a brilliant success. +The youth, over whose fertile head the game +seemed to rove and range in countless numbers, was +somewhat restless under the operation, and oftentimes +disturbed the eager sportswoman by manifesting a +desire to run into the street and carry the hunting-ground +with him, and was as often recalled to a sense +of the proprieties by a few judicious slaps, which he +stoically endured without a whimper, being evidently +used to it.</p> + +<p>This feminine lover of the chase, this Diana of the +fiery scalp, looked up from her occupations long +enough to say to her visitor that Madame Lent would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[251]</a></span> +soon be disengaged. Meantime, he made a careful +survey of the premises.</p> + +<p>Two chairs, an old lounge with its dingy red cover +fastened on with pins, and a trunk covered with an +old bit of carpet, were the accommodations for seating +visitors. A cooking-stove, and a suspicious-looking +wash-bowl which stood in the corner of the room, +without a pitcher, were probably for the accommodation +of the Madame and the lady with the comb. +On the shabby lounge sat a stolid-looking Irish girl, +who was waiting her turn to have her fortune told. +Having fully comprehended the room and everything +in it, the visitor turned his attention to literary pursuits, +and thoroughly perused an odd copy of a newspaper +that lay invitingly on the table.</p> + +<p>Visitors kept dropping in, mostly servant-appearing +girls, though there were three women attired in silk +and laces, who would have appeared respectable had +their faces been hidden and their conversation been +suppressed. The lady with the comb and the boy +presently departed to some unknown region, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[252]</a></span> +soon returned with a reinforcement of chairs and +stools. The number of visitors increased, until, +besides the original stranger, nine were waiting. +Among others, there came, in a friendly way, but +still with a sharp eye to business, a tall woman, +attired in a red dress and a purple bonnet, who is the +keeper of a well-known house in Sullivan street, and +whose name is not strange to the police. An unrestrained +business conversation ensued between her +and the heroine of the comb, which must have been +interesting to the female listeners.</p> + +<p>One hour and eleven minutes did the Cash Customer +patiently wait before he was admitted to the +mysterious conference with the queen of magic. At +last, after the man who was at first closeted with her +had concluded his inquiries, and the stolid Irish girl +had been disposed of, the woman with the suggestive +bust beckoned the long-suffering and patient man to +follow, and he fearfully entered the sanctum.</p> + +<p>The room of conjuration was a closet, dark and +dirty, and was lighted by one tallow candle, stuck in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[253]</a></span> +a Scotch ale bottle. A number of shabby dresses, +bony petticoats, and other mysterious articles of +women’s gear, hung upon the walls; two weak-kneed +chairs, a tattered bit of carpet upon about two +feet square of the floor, and a little table covered with +a greasy oilcloth, composed the furniture of the +mystic cell. The cabalistic paraphernalia was limited, +there being nothing but a dirty pack of double-headed +cards, a small pasteboard box with some +scraps of paper in it, and two kinds of powder in +little bottles, like hair-oil pots.</p> + +<p>Madame Lent is a woman of medium height, about +thirty-five years of age, with light-grey eyes, false +teeth, a head nearly bald, and hair, what there is of +it, of a bright red. Her manner is hurried and confused, +and she has a trick of drawing her upper lip +disagreeably up under the end of her nose, which +labial distortion she doubtless intends for a smile.</p> + +<p>She was robed in a bright-colored plaid dress, a +dirty lace collar, and a coarse woollen shawl over her +shoulders. Motioning her visitor to one chair, she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[254]</a></span> +instantly seated herself in the other, and, without +demanding pay in advance, commenced operations. +She handed the cards to be cut, and then laying them +out in their piles, uttered the following sentences:</p> + +<p>“I see that your fortune has been and is quite a +curious one. Your cards run rather mixed up, you +have been very much worried in your head, you were +born under two planets, which means that you have +seen a great deal of trouble in your younger days, +but you are now getting over it and your cards run +to better luck, but it is rather mixed up, your cards +run to a lady, she is light-haired and blue-eyed, but +she is jealous of you, for sometimes you treat her +more kinder and sometimes more harsher, and just +now she is in trouble and very much mixed up about +you. There is a man of black hair and eyes, a dark-<i>complected</i> +man who pretends to be your friend and +is very fair to your face, but you must beware of him, +for he is your secret enemy and will do you an injury +if he can; he is trying to get the lady, but I don’t +think he’ll do it, though I don’t know, for the thing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[255]</a></span> +is so much mixed up—he has deceived you, and the +lady has deceived you, they have both deceived you, +but now they have got mixed up, and she turns from +him with scorn, and seems to like you the best—I +don’t exactly see how it all is, for it seems rather +mixed up like—you must persevere, you must coax +her more; you can coax her to do anything, but you +can’t drive her any more than you can drive that wall—always +treat her more kinder and never more +harsher, and she will soon be yours entirely—beware +of the dark-complected man; you must not talk so +much and be so open in your mind, and above all +don’t talk so much to the dark-complected man, for +he seems to worry you, and your affairs and his are +all mixed up like.”</p> + +<p>Here her auditor expressed a desire to know something +definite and certain about his future wife, +whereupon the red-haired prophetess shuffled the +cards again with the following result:</p> + +<p>“You will have but one more wife. She will be +good and true, and will not be mixed up with any<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[256]</a></span> +dark-complected man. She will be rich and you will +be rich, for your business cards run very smooth, but +your marriage cards do not run very close to you, +and you will not be married for six or eight months; +you will have three children; you will see your future +wife within nine hours, nine days, or nine weeks; do +not blame me if it runs into the tens, but I tell you +it will fall within the nines. Another man is trying +to get her away from you, he is a light-complected +man, he has had some influence over her, but she +now turns from him with disdain, and she will be +yours and yours only—things are a little worried and +mixed up now, but she will be yours and yours only, +the light-complected man can’t hurt you. I have +something that I can give you that will make her +love you tender and true; it will force her to do it +and she won’t have no power to help herself, but you +can do with her just what you please; I charge extra +for that.”</p> + +<p>Here was a chance to procure a love-philtre at a +reasonable rate, and unless the dark woman kept that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[257]</a></span> +article ready made and done up in packages to suit +customers, he could observe the terrible ceremonies +with which it was prepared, listen to the spells and +incantations with an attent eye, and take mental notes +of all the mighty magic. The opportunity was too +good to be lost, and he at once signified his desire to +try a little of the extra witchcraft, and his willingness +to draw on his purse for the requisite amount of +ready cash to purchase this gratification of a laudable +curiosity.</p> + +<p>Madame Lent now assumed an air of the most +intense gravity, and shook into a very dirty bit of +paper a little white powder from one of the pomatum +pots, and a corresponding quantity of grayish powder +from pot No. 2, and stirred them carefully together +with the tip of her finger. When she had mixed +them to her liking she folded the diabolical compound +in a small paper. Then she prepared another +mixture in the same manner, and made a pretence of +adding another ingredient from a little pasteboard +box, which probably hadn’t had anything in it for a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[258]</a></span> +month. Folding this also in a paper she presented +them both to her interested guest, with these directions:</p> + +<p>“You must shake some of the first powder on your +true-love’s head, or neck, or arms, if you can, but if +you can’t manage this, put it on her dress—the other +powder you must sprinkle about your room when +you go to bed to-night—this will draw her to you, and +she will love you and you alone and can’t help herself; +this will surely operate, if it don’t, come and tell me.”</p> + +<p>One more cabalistic performance and the hocus-pocus +was ended. She desired her customer to give +her the first letter of his true love’s name. He, unabashed +by the unexpected demand, with great presence +of mind promptly invented a sweetheart on the +spot, and extemporized a name for her before the +question was repeated. Then the mysterious Madame +required his own initial, which, being obtained, she +wrote the two on slips of paper with some mystic +figures appended, in manner following. E., 17; M., +24. Then she shiveringly whispered:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[259]</a></span></p> + +<p>“You must do as I told you with the powders +before eleven o’clock to-night, for between the hours +of eleven and twelve I shall boil your name and hers +in herbs which will draw her to you, and she can’t +help herself but will be tender and true, and will be +yours and yours only. When she is drawed to you +then you must marry her.”</p> + +<p>The anxious inquirer promised obedience, and +agreed to give the powders as per prescription, before +the midnight cookery should commence, paid his dollar +(fifty cents for the consultation and a like sum for +the love-powders), and made his exit with a comprehensive +bow, which included the Madame, the bony +petticoats, the beer-bottle, and the fast-vanishing remains +of the single tallow-candle in one reverential +farewell.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[260]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII" id="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[261]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Wherein are inscribed all the particulars of a visit to the<br /> +“Gipsy Girl,” of No. 207, Third Avenue,<br /> +with an allusion to Gin, and other luxuries<br /> +dear to the heart of that beautiful<br /> +Rover.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[262]</a></span></h3> + + + +<hr /> +<h2>CHAPTER XII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[263]</a></span></h2> + +<h3>THE GIPSY GIRL.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">There</span> is much less affectation of high-flown and +lofty-sounding names among the ladies of the black-art +mysteries, than might very naturally be expected. +Most of them are content with plain “Madame” +Smith, or unadorned “Mrs.” Jones, and “The Gipsy +Girl” is almost the only exception to this rule that is +to be encountered among all the fortune-tellers of the +city.</p> + +<p>This arises from no poverty of invention on their +part, but from a sound conviction that in this case, +simplicity is an element of sound policy. There has +been no lack of “mysteriously gifted prophetesses,” +and of “astonishing star readers;” there have been, I +believe, within the last few years, a “Daughter of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[264]</a></span> +Saturn,” and a “Sorceress of the Silver Girdle;” and +once the “Queen of the Seven Mysteries” condescended +to sojourn in Gotham for five weeks, but on +the whole it has been found that a more modest title +pays better. To be sure, the “Daughter of Saturn” +was tried for conspiring with two other persons to +swindle an old and wealthy gentleman out of seventeen +hundred dollars, and the “Queen of the Seven +Mysteries” was dispossessed by a constable for non-payment +of rent; and these untoward circumstances +may have acted as a “modest quencher” on the then +growing disposition to indulge in fantastic and romantic +appellations.</p> + +<p>At this present time “The Gipsy Girl” enjoys +almost a monopoly of this sort of thing, and she is by +no means constant to one name, but sometimes +announces herself as “The Gipsy Woman,” “The +Gipsy Palmist,” and “The Gipsy Wonder,” as her +whim changes.</p> + +<p>This woman has not been in New York years +enough to become complicated in as many rascalities<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[265]</a></span> +as some of her elder sisters in the mystic arts, but her +surroundings are of a nature to indicate that she has +not been backward in her American education on these +points. She has not been remarkably successful in +making money, as a witch; not having been educated +among the strumpets and gamblers of the city she +lacked that extensive acquaintance on going into business, +that had secured for her rivals in trade such +immediate success. Her fondness for gin has also +proved a serious bar to her rapid advancement, and +has given not a few of her customers the idea that she +is not so eminently trustworthy as one having the +control of the destinies of others should be. In fact, +she loves her enemy, the bottle, to that extent, that +she has many times permitted her devotion to it to +interfere seriously with her business, leading her to +disappoint customers. The quality of her sober predictions +is about the same as that of others in the +same profession, but her intoxicated foretellings are +deserving of a chapter to themselves, and they shall +have it, for from force of peculiar circumstances, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[266]</a></span> +will be explained hereafter, the Cash Customer made +three visits to this celebrated woman. Her first +address was 207 3d Avenue, between Eighteenth and +Nineteenth Streets.</p> + +<p>The Gipsy Girl! How romantically suggestive was +this feminine phrase to the fancy of an enthusiastic reporter. +Was it then, indeed, permitted that he should +know Meg Merrilees in private life? His heart danced +at the poetic possibility, and his heels would have extemporized +a vigorous hornpipe but that his saltatory +ardor was quenched by the depressing sturdiness of +cow-hide boots. With the most pleasing anticipations +he perused the subjoined advertisement again and +again, and looked to the happy future with a joyful hope.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“A Wonder—The Gipsy Girl.—If you wish to know all the +secrets of your past and future life, the knowledge of which +may save you years of sorrow and care, don’t fail to consult the +above-named palmist. Charge 50 cents. The Gipsy has also +on hand a secret which will enable any lady or gentleman to +win or obtain the affections of the opposite sex. Charge extra. +No. 207 3d av., between 18th and 19th sts.”</p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[267]</a></span></p> + +<p>How the knowledge of all the secrets of his past +life was to save him years of sorrow and care at this +late day he could not exactly comprehend, and was +willing to pay fifty cents for the information. And +then wasn’t it worth half a dollar to see a live gipsy? +Of course it was.</p> + +<p>Kettles, camp-fires, white tents under green trees, +indigenous brown babies and exotic white ones, with +a panorama of empty cradles and mourning mothers +in the distance, moonlight nights, midnight foraging +excursions, expeditions against impertinent game-keepers, +demonstrations against hen-roosts—successful +by masterly generalship and pure strategic science—and +the midnight forest cookery of contraband game, +surreptitious pigs and clandestine chickens—were +among the romantic ideas of a delightful vagabond +gipsy life that at once suggested themselves to the +mind of the Cash Customer. He did not really expect +to find the Third-Avenue gipsy camped out under a +bed-quilt tent in the lee of the house, or cooking her +dinner in an iron pot over an out-door fire in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[268]</a></span> +back yard, but he had a vague undefined hope that +there would be some visible indications of gipsy life, +if it was nothing more than the pawn-tickets for +stolen spoons.</p> + +<p>He thought to find at least one or two beautiful +babies knocking about, decorated with coral necklaces +and golden clasps, suggestive of rich parents +and better days, and had firmly resolved to send the +little innocents to the alms-house by way of improving +their condition. Full of these romantic notions, +the reporter started on his philanthropic mission, +taking the preliminary precaution of leaving at home +his watch and pocket-book, and carrying with him +only small change enough to pay the advertised +charges.</p> + +<p>In one of those three-story brick houses so abounding +in this city, which seem to have been built by the +mile and cut off in slices to suit purchasers, in the +Third Avenue above Eighteenth Street, dwelt at that +time the gay Bohemian. The building in which she +lived, though three stories in height, is very short<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[269]</a></span> +between joints, which style of architecture makes all +the rooms low and squat, as if somebody had shut the +house into itself like a telescope, and had never pulled +it out again.</p> + +<p>Out of the chimney, which was the little end of the +telescope, issued a sickly smoke; and through a door +in the lower story, which was the big end thereof, +was the stranger admitted by a little girl. This girl +was, probably, a pure article of gipsy herself originally, +but had been so much adulterated by partial +civilization that she combed her hair daily and submitted +to shoes and stockings without a murmur. +Ragged indeed was this reclaimed wanderer; saucy +and dirty-faced was this sprouting young maiden, but +she was sharp-witted, and scented money as quickly +as if she had been the oldest hag of her tribe; so she +asked her customer to walk up stairs, which he did. +She herself went up stairs with a skip and a whirl, +showed her visitor into the grand reception room +with a gyrating flourish, and disappeared in a “courtesy” +of so many complex and dizzy rotations that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[270]</a></span> +she seemed to the eyes of the bewildered traveller to +evaporate in a red flannel mist. As soon as she had +spun herself out of sight he recovered his presence of +mind and looked about him.</p> + +<p>The romantic gipsy who sojourned here had tried +to furnish her rooms like civilized people, doubtless +out of respect to her many patrons. A thread-bare +carpet was under foot; a little parlor stove with a +little fire in it was standing on a little piece of zinc, +and did its little utmost to heat the room; an uncomfortable +looking sofa covered with shabby and faded +red damask graced one side of the apartment, and a +lounge, of curtailed dimensions, partially covered +with shreds of turkey red calico, adorned another +side.</p> + +<p>This latter article of furniture, with its tattered +cover, through which suspicious bits of curled hair +peeped out, and wide crevices in its rickety frame +were plainly visible, looked much too suggestive of +cockroaches and other insect delicacies of the season +to be an inviting place of repose.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[271]</a></span></p> + +<p>Three chairs were dispersed throughout the room, +on one of which the reporter bestowed himself, and +the rest of the furniture consisted of a table, so +exceedingly shaky and sensitive in the joints that +it might have been the grim skeleton of some former +table, loosely hung together with unseen wires; and +a cheap looking-glass that had suffered so serious a +comminuted fracture as to be past all surgery—this +was all except some little plaster images of saints, +strangers to the Cash Customer, and a black rosary, +which article would seem to show that efforts had +been put forth to Christianize this nut-brown gipsy +maid.</p> + +<p>A clinking of glasses was heard in the adjoining +apartment, then the door was opened with an independent +flirt, and the gay Bohemian appeared on the +scene.</p> + +<p>If it were desired to fancy visions of enchanting +loveliness it would be necessary to insert therein other +ingredients than the gipsy girl of the Third Avenue; +alone she would be insufficient; too much would be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[272]</a></span> +left to the imagination; and in any event the illusion +would be too great to last long.</p> + +<p>She is of medium height, her eyes are brown and +bright, and her hands are very large and red. She +has no hair, but wears a scratch red wig, which gives +her head a utilitarian character. Her face is deeply +pitted with the small-pox, more than pitted—gullied, +scarred, and seamed, as though some jealous rival +had been trying to plough her complexion under; +little short light hairs are thinly scattered on her +cheek bones and upper lip, and in the shadows of +the little ridges that disease had left, irresistibly compelling +the mind to make an absurd comparison of +her face with a sterile field, and imagine that at some +past day it had been spaded up to plant a beard, +which had only grown in scanty patches, here and +there. Her nails were horny and ill-shaped, and +underneath them and at their roots were large deposits +of dirt and other fertilizing compounds, under +the stimulating influence of which they had grown +lank and long. Her attire was a sort of cross between<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[273]</a></span> +the picturesque wildness of the gipsy, and the more +civilized and unbecoming dress of Third Avenue +Christians.</p> + +<p>She was apparelled, principally, in a red flannel +jacket, and a check handkerchief, which was passed +under her chin and tied on the top of her wig, where +the knot looked like a blue butterfly. There was a +gown, but a series of subsoiling experiments would +have been necessary to determine the material and +texture; the surface was palpably dirt. Accompanying +her there was a strong smell of gin, and from the +odor of the liquor the visitor judged that it was a +very poor article.</p> + +<p>This gay old gipsy drew a chair to the table, and +sat down, not in a graceful and composed manner, +but more as if she had been dumped from a cart. +She soon partially recovered herself, and straightened +up slightly from the heap into which she had collapsed, +and, turning her head away from her customer, +she elaborately remarked: “Fifty cents and your left +’and.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[274]</a></span>”</p> + +<p>The Individual made a careful search for his small +change, and fished out the exact amount which he +promptly paid over.</p> + +<p>This delightful gipsy then took his left hand and +looked at it for a minute in an imbecile kind of way, +as if she didn’t know exactly what to do with it, and +was undecided whether it was to be made into soup, +or she was to drink it immediately with warm water +and a little sugar. This last impression evidently +prevailed, for she tried to pour it into her apron, and +only recovered from her delusion when the fingers +tangled themselves up in the strings. Then a glimmering +of the true state of the case seemed to dawn +upon her, and she began to have a dim idea that she +was expected to say something.</p> + +<p>Now the roving gipsy was not by any means intoxicated +at this time; that is to say, she may have +been partaking of gin, or gin and water, or may have +been sucking sugar that had gin on it, or she may +have been taking a little gin and peppermint for a +stomach-ache, or she may have been bathing her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[275]</a></span> +head in gin, or have been otherwise making use +of that potent remedy as a medicine, but she was by +no means a subject for official interference in case she +had wandered into the street, but she was, to tell the +truth, not in her most clear-headed condition; although +probably she did not see more than one Cash Customer +sitting solemnly before her, still that one was quite as +many as she could well manage at that time.</p> + +<p>After the signal failure of her little demonstration +on the hand of her guest, she, by a strong effort, +seemed to concentrate her faculties, and after several +trials she roused herself and spoke as follows, emphasizing +the short words with spiteful vindictiveness, +and paying the most particular attention to the improper +aspiration of the h’s.</p> + +<p>“You <i>are</i> a person as <i>has</i> seen a great deal <i>of</i> dif—”</p> + +<p>The gay Bohemian here evidently desired to say +“difficulty,” but the word was a sad stumbling-block, +a four-syllable rock ahead which was too much for +her powers in her then exhausted state of mind; she +charged on the unfortunate word boldly, however,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[276]</a></span> +and tried to carry it by storm, but each time was +repulsed with great loss of breath—“a great deal of +dif—dif—dif—diffle”—it was no use, so she tried back +and began again.</p> + +<p>“You <i>are</i> a man as <i>has</i> seen a great deal of <i>diffleculency</i>,” +was what she said, but it didn’t seem to satisfy +her, so she tried again, and after a number of trials she +hit a happy medium between “<i>dif</i>” and “<i>diffleculency</i>” +and compromised on “<i>difflety</i>,” which useful addition +to the language she took occasion to repeat as often as +possible with an air of decided triumph.</p> + +<p>“You <i>are</i> a man as <i>has</i> seen a great deal of difflety +<i>and</i> trouble—I would not go <i>to</i> say you ’ave been +through too much difflety <i>and</i> trouble, still you ’ave +seen difflety <i>and</i> trouble. If you had been a luckier +man <i>in</i> your past life you <i>would</i> not ’ave seen <i>so</i> much +difflety and trouble, still you <i>’ave</i> seen difflety <i>and</i> +trouble—I ’ope you will not see so much difflety <i>and</i> +trouble <i>in</i> the future—Life: you <i>will</i> live long; you +will live <i>to</i> be 69 years of <i>hage and will</i> die of a lingering +disease—you <i>will</i> be sick for a long time, and <i>will</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[277]</a></span> +not suffer much difflety and trouble—sixty-nine years +of <i>hage</i> you <i>will</i> live to be—Death: don’t think <i>of</i> +death; that is <i>too</i> far hoff a you <i>to</i> think of—but you +<i>will</i> die when you <i>are</i> 69 years of hage, and you <i>may</i> +’ope to go right hup to ’eaven, for you <i>will</i> ’ave no +more difflety and trouble then—Money: you <i>will</i> ’ave +money, and you <i>will</i> ’ave plenty of money, but you +must not look for money until <i>you</i> ’ave reached your +middle <i>hage</i>—a distant Hinglish relative of yours <i>will</i> +leave you money, but you <i>will</i> ’ave difflety <i>and</i> trouble +in getting it; do not hexpect <i>to</i> get <i>this</i> money without +difflety, no do not cherish <i>such</i> a ’ope—hit <i>will</i> be <i>in</i> the +’ands of a man who wont hanswer your letters nor take +notice of your happlications, you <i>will</i> ’ave <i>to</i> cross the +hocean yourself; this money <i>will</i> be a good deal of +money <i>and</i> will make <i>you</i> ’appy for the rest <i>of</i> your +days—Business: you <i>will</i> thrive in business, you <i>will</i> +never be hunfortunate in business, you <i>will</i> ’ave luck +in business, you will always <i>do</i> a good business, may +hexpect to make money <i>by</i> large speculations in business; +difflety <i>and</i> trouble in business you <i>will</i> not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[278]</a></span> +know—Great Troubles: you need not hexpect to ’ave +many great troubles <i>for</i> you will not; you ’ave ’ad +your great troubles <i>in</i> your hearly days—Sickness: +you <i>will</i> never see no sickness, ’ave no fear of sickness +for you <i>will</i> not see none; sickness, do not care for it +and make your mind <i>heasy</i>—Friends: you ’ave <i>got</i> +many friends, both ’ere and helsewhere, your friends +<i>will</i> be ’appy and you will be ’appy, there will be no +difflety <i>and</i> trouble between you, you ’ave ’ad trouble +with your friends, but you face brighter days, be +’appy—Wives: you <i>will</i> ’ave <i>but</i> one wife; in the +third month <i>from</i> now you <i>will</i> ’ear from ’er, you <i>will</i> +get a letter from ’er, and in the fourth month you <i>will</i> +be married—she is not particularly ’andsome, nor she +<i>is</i> not specially hugly, she ’as got blue heyes and +brown ’air, <i>is</i> partickler fond of ’ome and is now +heighteen years of hage—’Appiness: you <i>will</i> be the +’appiest people in <i>all</i> the land, you can’t himagine the +’appiness you <i>will</i> ’ave—Children: you <i>will</i> ’ave three +children, after you are married you <i>will</i> see no more +difflety <i>and</i> trouble; you <i>will</i> die <i>in</i> a foreign land<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[279]</a></span> +across the hocean but you <i>will</i> die ’appy. ’Ope for +’appiness and ’ave <i>no</i> huneasiness.”</p> + +<p>Thus prophesied the gay Bohemian, the nut-brown +maid, the dark-eyed oracle, the wise charmer, the +female seer, the beautiful sibyl, the lovely enchantress, +the romantic “gipsy girl” of the Third Avenue.</p> + +<p>Romance and poesy were effectually demolished by +the overpowering realities of dirt, vulgarity, cockneyism, +ignorance, scratch-wigs, bad English, and bad gin. +Sadly the Individual walked down stairs behind the +gyrating girl, who reappeared with an agile pirouette, +twirled down on her toes, and opened the door with a +dizzy revolution that made her look as if her head and +shoulders had got into a whirlpool of petticoats, and +were past all hope of mortal rescue. The little chink, +as of a bottle and glass, came faintly from the apartment +which is the home of the gipsy, and the individual +fancied that the gay Bohemian had returned to +her devotions.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[280]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII" id="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[281]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Contains a true account of the Magic Establishment of Mrs.<br /> +Fleury, of No. 263 Broome Street, and also shows<br /> +the exact quantity of Witchcraft that snuffy<br /> +personage can afford for one<br /> +Dollar.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[282]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER XIII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[283]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MADAME FLEURY, No. 263 BROOME STREET.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">From</span> what the reader has already perused of the predictions +and prophecies of these modern dealers in +magic, he will hardly think them of a character to +inspire any great degree of confidence in the minds of +people of ordinary common sense. Still less will he +be disposed to believe that merchants of “credit and +renown;” business men, engaged in occupations, the +operations of which are presumed to be governed by +the nicest mathematical calculations, are ever so far +influenced by the miserable jargon of these “fortune-tellers,” +as to seriously consult them in business matters +of great importance.</p> + +<p>Such, however, is the humiliating truth.</p> + +<p>There are in New York city a number of merchants,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[284]</a></span> +bankers, brokers, and other persons eminent +in the business world, and respectable in all social +relations, who never make an important business +move in any direction, until after consultation with +one or another of the Witches of New York.</p> + +<p>There are many who are regular periodical customers, +and who visit the shrine of the oracle once a +month, or once in six weeks, as regularly as they +make out their balance-sheets, or take an account of +stock, and who guide their future investments and +business ventures as much by the written fifty-cent +prophecy as by either of the other documents.</p> + +<p>Many country merchants have also learned this +trick, and some of them are in constant correspondence +with the cheap sybils of Grand Street; and +others, when they come to the city for their stock of +goods for the next half year, visit their chosen fortune-teller +and get full and explicit directions how to conduct +their business for the coming six months. Of +course, these proceedings are conducted with the greatest +possible secrecy, and the attention of the writer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[285]</a></span> +was first awakened to this fact by the indiscreet boastings +of certain ones of the witches themselves, who +are not a little proud of their influence, and after +observations afforded ample proof and corroboration +of all he had been told.</p> + +<p>Great money enterprises have without doubt been +seriously affected by the yea or nay of the Bible and +key, and perhaps the Atlantic Cable Company would +have received more hearty assistance, and its stock +more extensive subscriptions in Wall Street, if certain +ones of the fortune-tellers had possessed more faith in +its success, and had so advised their patrons.</p> + +<p>Incredible as these statements may seem, they are +nevertheless true, and this fact is another proof that +gross superstition is not confined to the low and filthy +parts of the city, where rags and dirt are the universal +rule, but that it has likewise a thrifty growth in quarters +of the town where stand the palaces of the “merchant +princes,” and in avenues where rags are +almost unknown, and broadcloth, and gold, and fine-twined +linen are the common wear.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[286]</a></span></p> + +<p>It is said that certain counsel eminent in the learned +profession of the law, and that certain even of the +judges of the bench, have been known to consult the +female practicers of the Black Art, but the author has +never been personally cognizant of a case of this kind, +and has no means of knowing whether the consultation +was intended to benefit the lawyer or the witch; +whether the former desired enlightenment as to the +management of some knotty professional point, or +whether the latter wanted legal advice as to some of +the side branches of her business.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Fleury</i>, whose domicile and mode of procedure +are described in this present chapter, has a large run +of this sort of what may be termed <i>respectable</i> custom, +and she does not fail to profit by it to the utmost. +She came to New York, from France, about six or +seven years ago, and at once established herself in the +witch business, which she could advertise extensively +in the papers, although the other branches of her profession, +by which she probably makes more money +than by telling fortunes, would by no means bear<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[287]</a></span> +newspaper publicity. What these other branches +are, is more explicitly stated in other chapters of +this book, and, in fact, needs to be but hinted at, to +be at once understood by nearly all who read.</p> + +<p>Madame Fleury advertised the world of her arrival +in America, and of her supernatural powers, and in a +short time customers began to flock in. It is now her +boast that she has as “respectable a connexion” as +any one in the trade, and that she has as great a +number of “regular, reliable customers,” as any +conjuress in America. She says that most of her +“regular customers” visit her once in six weeks, six +being with her a favorite number, and she not undertaking +to guarantee her <i>business</i> predictions for a +greater length of time.</p> + +<p>Whether she makes any discount from her ordinary +prices to these regular traders, she did not state, but probably +witchcraft is governed by the same rule as other +commodities, and comes cheaper to wholesale dealers.</p> + +<p>Duly armed and equipped with staff and scrip, and +duly fortified within by such stimulants as the exigencies<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[288]</a></span> +of the case seemed to demand, the Cash Customer +set out for 263 Broome Street, and after strict trial and +due examination of the premises and the people, he +made the following report.</p> + +<p>It was a favorite remark of a learned though mistaken +philosopher of the olden time, that “you can’t +make a whistle of a pig’s tail.” The philosopher died, +but his saying was accepted by the world as an axiom—a +bit of incontrovertible truth, eternal, Godlike, +fully up to par, worth a hundred per cent., with no +possibility of discount. Time, however, which often +demonstrates the fallibility of human wisdom, has not +spared even this oft-quoted adage; and now there is +not a collection of curiosities in the land which lacks +a pig-tail whistle to proclaim in the shrillest tones the +falsity of the wise man’s proposition, and the triumph +of Yankee ingenuity. Had this same philosopher +been interrogated on the subject, he would undoubtedly +have announced, and with an equal show of +probability on his side of the argument, that “you +can’t make a star-reading prophetess out of a snuffy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[289]</a></span> +old woman;” but had he lived to the present day, +the Cash Customer would have taken great pleasure +in exhibiting to him these two apparently irreconcilable +characters combined in a single person, and that +person Mrs. Fleury, who pays for the daily insertion +of the following advertisement in the newspapers.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“ASTROLOGY.—<span class="smcap">Mrs. Fleury</span>, from Paris, is the most celebrated +lady of the present age, in telling future events, true and +certain. She answers questions on business, marriage, absent +friends, &c., by magnetism. Office No. 263 Broome-st.”</p></div> + +<p>There is not so much of promise in this paragraph, +as there is in some of the more grandiloquent announcements +of the other witches—not probably, that +Madame Fleury is any less pretentious than they, but +her knowledge of the English language is not perfect +enough to enable her to give her ideas their full effect.</p> + +<p>The Cash Customer resolved to visit this “most +celebrated lady of the age,” who had come all the +way from Paris, to tell his “future events true and +certain,” nothing daunted by the circumstance that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[290]</a></span> +she lives in the filthiest part of Broome Street, which +has never been swept clean since it was a very new +Broome indeed.</p> + +<p>If our fancy farmers, who expend so much money +upon the various foreign manures and fertilizing compounds, +would but turn their eyes in the direction of +Broome Street, a single glance would convince them +of the inexhaustible resources of their own country, +while guano would instantly depreciate in value, and +the island of Ichaboe not be worth a quarrel. This +prolific and valuable deposit that covers Broome Street +bears perennial crops: in the spring and summer, +dirty-faced children and mean-looking dogs seem to +spring from it spontaneously; they are succeeded +during the colder weather by a crop of tumble-down +barrels, and cast-away broken carts; while the humbler +and more insignificant things, the uncared for weeds, +so to speak, of the abundant harvest, such as potato +parings, and fish heads, and shreds of ragged dish-cloths, +and bits of broken crockery, and old bones, +are in season all the year round.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[291]</a></span></p> + +<p>In the midst of this filth, with policy-shops adjacent, +and pawnbrokers’ offices close at hand, and rum shops +convenient in the neighborhood—where the reeking +streets and stagnant gutters, and the heaps of decomposing +garbage, send up a stench so thick and heavy +that it beslimes everything it touches, and makes a +man feel as if he were far past the saving powers of +soap and soft water, and was fast dissolving into rancid +lard oil—in this congenial atmosphere flourishes the +prophetess, and here is found the mansion of Mrs. +Fleury, “the most celebrated lady of the age in telling +future events.” Her mansion is not one that would +be selected as a permanent residence by any one with +a superabundance of cash capital, nor did it seem +quite suited to the deservings of the “most celebrated +lady of the present age;” the house, a three-story +brick, originally intended to be something above the +common, has been for so many years misused and +badly treated by reckless tenants, that it has completely +lost its good temper, as well as its good looks, +and is now in a perpetual state of aggravated sulkiness.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[292]</a></span> +It resents the presence of a stranger as an +impertinent intrusion, and avenges the personality in +various disagreeable ways. It twitches its rickety +stairways impatiently under his feet, as if to shake +him off and damage him by the fall—it viciously +attempts to pinch and jam his fingers with moody +dogged doors, which hold back as long as they can, +and then close with a sudden snap, exceedingly +dangerous to the unwary—it tears his clothes with +ambushed rusty nails, and unsuspected hooks, and +sharp and jagged splinters—it creaks its floors under +his tread with a doleful whine, and complains of his +cruel treatment in sharp-pointed, many-cornered tears +of plaster, which it drops from the ceiling upon his +head the instant he takes his hat off—it yawns its +wide cellar doors open like a greedy mouth, evidently +hoping that an unlucky step will pitch him headlong +down—and it conducts itself in a thousand ill-natured +ways like a sulky child that has been waked up too +early in the morning, and not properly whipped into +good behavior. The Individual, however, entered<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[293]</a></span> +the doors, unabashed by the malignant scowl which +was visible all over the face of the unamiable mansion, +and stumbled through a narrow, dirty hall, up two +flights of groaning stairs, before he discovered any +sign of the whereabouts of Madame. She evidently +did not occupy the entire of this sulky edifice, or he +would have seen some of the servants or retainers, who +would have been only too happy to direct him to the +head-quarters of the sorceress. But the few people he +saw about the place seemed to be each one occupied +with his or her own private affairs, and to be too much +taken up therewith to pay the slightest attention to +the new-comer. Their attentions to each other were +confined to reproaches, uncomplimentary assertions, +and sundry maledictory remarks, accompanied, in +case of the younger members of the various tribes, +with pinches, pokes, punches, and small but frequent +showers of brickbats.</p> + +<p>The Individual disregarded these evidences of +good feeling, not considering himself called upon to +reply to any which were not addressed to him individually,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[294]</a></span> +and plodded on till his roving eye rested on +a tin sign, on which was inscribed, “Madame Fleury, +Room No. 4.” There were no mysterious emblems +or cabalistic flourishes accompanying this simple +announcement.</p> + +<p>He pulled the knob and the door was instantly +opened by the lady herself, so quickly that the bell +had no time to ring until all necessity for it was over—she +had evidently heard the advancing footsteps of +her customer, and had stood ready to pounce upon +him. She ushered him into the apartment, where +he soon recovered his self-possession, and took an +observation.</p> + +<p>The room was a small square one, shabbily furnished +with very few articles of furniture, and these +were dimly visible through the snuffy mist which filled +the apartment; there was snuff everywhere; there +was a snuffy dust on the chairs; there was a precipitate +of snuff on the floor, and, if snuff was capable of +crystallization, there would undoubtedly have been +stalactitic formations of snuff depending from the ceiling;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[295]</a></span> +the Madame herself was snuff-colored, as if she +had been boiled in a decoction of tobacco.</p> + +<p>She is a Frenchwoman, and has had about half a +century’s experience of her present fleshly tabernacle, +which is somewhat the worse for wear, although from +the fossil remains of bygone beauty, still visible in her +ancient countenance, her customer inclined to the +belief that in some remote age she was comely and +pleasant to the eye. He founded this hypothesis +upon the brown hair and hazel eyes which time has +spared.</p> + +<p>In respect to personal cleanliness, the Individual +regrets to say that the Madame was not in every +respect what a critical observer would wish to see; +her hands and arms were in a condition which would +naturally lead to the belief that the Croton Corporation +had cut off the water; and under each of her +finger-nails was a dark-colored deposit, which may +have been snuff, but looked like something dirtier. +She was dressed in a light striped calico dress, over +which was a black velvet mantle trimmed with fur,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[296]</a></span> +and on her head was a portentous head-dress which +was fearfully and wonderfully made of shabby black +lace; her face was in the same condition as her hands +and arms, as was also her neck, which was only visible +to the upper edge of the collar-bone—further +deponent saith not.</p> + +<p>She more nearly approached the Cash Customer’s +notion of the Witch of Endor, than any other lady +he had ever heard mentioned in polite society. She +at once prepared for business.</p> + +<p>She seated herself behind a small stand, dusty with +snuff, on which were a number of little books on +astrology, written in French and German, and as +dirty and as fragrant as if they had been some kind +of clumsy vegetable which had been grown in a +tobacco plantation.</p> + +<p>She asked her visitor if he spoke French or German, +to which he replied that, had he been conversant +with all the languages invented at the Babel smash-up, +he would on this occasion, for particular reasons, prefer +to confine himself to English. He also ventured<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[297]</a></span> +an inquiry as to terms, upon which she produced a +card containing a list of her charges, printed in English, +French, and German. He learned from this +dingy document that the prices of telling fortunes by +lines of the hand, by cards, and by the stars, varied in +amount from one to five dollars. The Individual concluded +that one dollar’s worth would suffice, and, +approaching the little table, he announced the result +of his cogitations. The enchantress, who was so +saturated with snuff and tobacco that every time her +customer looked her in the face he sneezed, then +brought a pack of very filthy cards, which were +covered over with mysterious hieroglyphics done in +black paint. She asked her visitor to “cut” them, +which he reverently though daintily did, whereupon +she laid them on the table before her in four rows, +and spoke, having previously explained that she used +no witchcraft but did all her wonders by the signs of +the zodiac. The Individual concentrated his attention, +and listened with all his ears while the witch of +Broome Street spoke thus:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[298]</a></span></p> + +<p>“I will tell you first what these cards indicate, then +I will look at the lines of your hand, and then I will +answer three questions.”</p> + +<p>Here she paused, while her agitated listener sneezed +a couple of times; then she resumed, speaking with a +strong foreign accent:</p> + +<p>“You are good disposition—have excellent memory, +you don’t have many enemy, but what you do +is of your own sex—you are very frank person and +you was born in the sign of the Crab. You have +some lucky days which are Mondays, Thursdays, and +Fridays, whatever you do on these days is well, but +you shall not wash your hair on Thursdays, if so, you +will wash all your luck away. You must be very +careful of fire and water, you will be in great danger +of fire and water and you must be very careful. You +may die by fire or water, I cannot say but you must +certain be very careful of fire and water. You must +also be very careful of dogs, very careful of dogs, +you may die by a dog, but you must certain be very +careful of dogs.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[299]</a></span>”</p> + +<p>Here she paused again, and while her visitor was +meditating on the full force of what he had heard, +and was inwardly resolving to go immediately home, +shoot Juno, and drown her as-yet-unoffending-but-in-after-days-dangerous-to-his-peace-of-mind-and-the-happiness-of-his-life +pups, she prepared for the second +portion of her discourse.</p> + +<p>Taking the Individual’s hand in hers, a proceeding +which made him feel as if he had put his fingers into +a bladder of Maccoboy, she made the following prediction: +“You will be the father of five children, two +of them will be boys, who will be a great comfort to +you when you grow old.”</p> + +<p>She spoke no good of the girls, and the customer +foresaw feminine trouble in his household with those +same young ladies. Having a few moments to himself +before she resumed, he worked himself into a +great passion with the ungrateful hussies who were +about to treat their kind old father in so scandalous a +manner; but presently recollecting that they were as +yet in the condition of “your sister, Betsey Trotwood,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[300]</a></span> +who never was born,” he felt that he was slightly +premature in his wrath, so he cooled down and +resolved to make the best of it with his comfortable +boys.</p> + +<p>The yellow sorceress continued: “Your line of +life is long, and you will live to a good old age. You +have had much trouble in love affairs, and now your +first love is entirely lost to you. You can never +reclaim her, and you must never venture anything in +lotteries.”</p> + +<p>Whether Madame Fleury supposed that her visitor +intended to spend his salary in lottery tickets, in the +hope of winning back his early love, or whether she +supposed that the woman then exhibiting herself as +“Perham’s Gift Lady,” was the person, is not in evidence; +but, from the peculiar construction of her last +remark, something of the kind must have been in her +thoughts. She had now reached the third part of her +discourse, and come to the “three questions.” She +produced an old French Bible, dingy with age and +snuff, and which she informed the observer had been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[301]</a></span> +in her family for three hundred years; an old iron +key was tied between the leaves, with the ring and +part of the shank of the key projecting, and the +Bible was tightly bound round with many folds of +black ribbon. Making her visitor hold one side of +the ring of the key, while she held the other, she said: +“Ask your three questions, and if they are to be +answered in the affirmative the book will turn.”</p> + +<p>The Individual, who had been much impressed by +her canine observation of a few minutes before, and +whose thoughts were still running upon his pet Juno, +and her six innocent offspring, in a fit of absence of +mind propounded this interrogatory:</p> + +<p>“Shall I marry the person of whom I am now +thinking?” The potent enchantress repeated the +question aloud in French, and then, with pale lips +and trembling voice, she addressed the book and key +thus:</p> + +<p>“Holy Bible, I ask you, in the name of the Father, +the Son, and the Holy Ghost, will this man marry the +person now in his mind?”—then she closed her eyes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[302]</a></span> +for a moment, placed one hand over her heart, and +rapidly muttered something in so low a tone that it +was inaudible to her listener. Immediately the Bible +commenced to turn slowly towards her, and soon had +made a complete revolution, thus expressing a very +decided affirmative.</p> + +<p>Having started a matrimonial subject with so satisfactory +a result, her customer thought he could do no +better than to follow it up, and accordingly asked +question No. 2:</p> + +<p>“If I marry this person, will the marriage be a +happy one?” The same answer was given, in the +same manner. Being now satisfied as to his own +matrimonial prospects, he concluded to ascertain those +of his children, and question No. 3 was asked, as follows:</p> + +<p>“Shall I live to see my children happily married?”</p> + +<p>There was a long delay, which was undoubtedly +occasioned by the difficulty of properly providing for +those refractory girls, but at last there came a reluctant +“Yes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[303]</a></span>”</p> + +<p>Having now got all that his dollar entitled him +to, the customer prepared to depart. The Madame +informed him that in a few days she would have her +“<i>Magic Mirror</i>” from Paris, with which she could do +new wonders, and she hoped that he would soon call +again, adding, “If I was ten year younger I would +not admit gentlemen, but now I am old and I must.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[304]</a></span>”</p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV" id="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[305]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Describes an interview with the “Cullud” Seer, Mr. Grommer,<br /> +of No. 34 North Second Street, Williamsburgh,<br /> +and what that respectable Whitewasher and<br /> +Prophet told his Visitor.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[306]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER XIV.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[307]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A BLACK PROPHET, MR. GROMMER, No. 34 +NORTH SECOND STREET, WILLIAMSBURGH.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">Besides</span> those who advertise in the daily journals, +there are many other witches in and about the city +who do not deign so to inform the world of their +miraculous powers. Either they have not full faith +in their own supernatural gifts, or they distrust the +policy of advertising; at any rate they are only +known to the inquiring stranger by accidental rumors, +and mysterious side-whisperings emanating from those +credulous ones who have had ocular proof of the miracle-working +facility of these veiled prophets.</p> + +<p>In certain of the older States of the Union, there +cannot probably be found any country village that +does not boast its old crones of fortune-telling celebrity—women<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[308]</a></span> +who are not named by the awe-struck +youngsters of the town, but with low breath and a +startled sort of look thrown backward over the +shoulder every minute as if in half-fear that the evil +eye is even there upon them. And in almost every +neighborhood in any part of the country, there +will be one or more old women who delight in mystifying +the young folks by telling fortunes in tea-cups, +by means of the ominous settling of the “grounds;”—or +who, sometimes, even “run the cards,” or aspire to +read the fates by the portentous turning of the Bible +and key. All these conjurations are given without +money and without price in the rural districts, but +they sometimes work no little mischief.</p> + +<p>There people do not advertise their willingness to +read the fates, and only exercise their gifts in that +direction as a matter of friendship to certain favored +ones. The city and the suburbs are full of people of +this kind, who profess to know the gift of prophecy +and of miracles, but who do not make their whole +living by the exercise of their supernatural powers,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[309]</a></span> +depending in part on some popular branch of industry. +They differ, however, from their sisters of the +country in this regard; whenever they do consent +to do a little magic for the accommodation of an +anxious inquirer, they are very careful to charge him +a round price for it. Many of them combine fortune-telling +with hard work, and do their full day’s work +of faithful toil at some legitimate employment, and in +the evening amuse themselves with witchcraft.</p> + +<p>These are chrysalis witches; prophets in embryo; +magicians in a state of apprenticeship; they are learning +the trade, and as soon as they feel competent to +do journey-work, they drop their hard labor, and at +once set up for full-fledged witches or conjurors.</p> + +<p>Mr. Grommer, the Black Sage of Williamsburgh, +and his solid and amiable wife, were in this half-way +state when they were visited by the Cash Customer. +Their fame had reached his ears by the means of some +kind friends who were cognisant of his peculiar investigations +at that time, and who told him of the supernatural +gifts of this amiable old couple.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[310]</a></span></p> + +<p>Accordingly the Individual, having made exact +inquiries as to their local habitation, one fine morning +set out in pursuit, and in due time made up the +following report. Since that time it is reported that +this worthy pair have followed the law of progression +hereinbefore hinted at, and having arrived at the +fulness of all magical knowledge, have laid aside +the whitewash pail and discarded the scrubbing-brush, +and given their time entirely to the practice of +the Black Art.</p> + +<p>The Individual beginneth his discourse thus:—</p> + +<p>It is an old saying, that “The Devil is never so +black as he is painted.” What may be the precise +shade of the complexion of his amiable majesty the +Cash Customer has no means of ascertaining to an +exact nicety at this present time of writing; but he +makes the positive assertion, that some of the Satanic +human employees are so black as to need no painting +of any description.</p> + +<p>Whether or not the ancient “wise men from the +East” were swarthy skinned he is not competent to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[311]</a></span> +decide; but he is able to prove, by ocular demonstration, +to an unbelieving sceptic, that some of the +modern “wise men” are particularly “dark-complected.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. Grommer, of No. 34 North Second Street, in +the suburb of Williamsburgh, is a case in point. +The fame of this illustrious ebony lady had gone +abroad through the land, and her skill in prophecy +had been vouched for by those who professed to have +personal knowledge of the truthfulness of her predictions. +But an air of mystery surrounded the sable +sorceress, and it was declared to be impossible to +obtain a knowledge of her exact whereabouts, except +by a preliminary visit to a certain mysterious “cave,” +the locality of which was accurately described.</p> + +<p>A cave! this promised well; no other witches +encountered by the Cash Customer, had he found +in a cave, or in anything resembling that hollow +luxury.</p> + +<p>A cave! the very word smacked of diabolism, and +had the true flavor of genuine witchcraft. Our overjoyed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[312]</a></span> +hero thought of the Witch of Vesuvius in +her mountain cavern—of her lank, grey, dead hair; +her livid, corpse-like skin; her stony eye; her +shrivelled, blue lips; her hollow voice, and her +threatening arm, and skinny, menacing forefinger—of +the red-eyed fox at her side, the crested serpent at +her feet, the mystic lamp above her head, and the +statue in the background, triple-headed with skulls +of dog, and horse, and boar. Something of this kind +he hoped to witness in the present instance, for +he argued that any sorceress who lived in a cave +must surely be supplied with some more cabalistic +instruments with which to work her spells than +greasy playing-cards or rusty brass door-keys. At +last, then, he had discovered something in modern +witchcraft worthy the ancient romance of the name. +Triumphant and overjoyed, he prepared for the visit, +confident in his ability to witness any spectacle, +however terrible, without flinching, and in his courage +to pass any ordeal, however fearful. He swallowed +no countercharms or protective potions, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[313]</a></span> +did not even take the precaution to sew a horse-shoe +in the seat of his pantaloons.</p> + +<p>It is true he was rash, but much must be forgiven +to youthful curiosity, especially when conjoined with +professional ambition. The carelessness, in respect +to his own safety, was productive of no ill effects, for +he returned from this perilous excursion in every +regard as good as he went. He had by this time +entirely recovered from his matrimonial aspirations, +and had given up all hope of a witch wife. Still, he +hoped to find in the <i>cave</i>, something more worthy the +ancient and honorable name of witchcraft than anything +he had yet seen.</p> + +<p>Alas! for the uncertainty of mortal hopes. All is +vanity, bosh, and botheration.</p> + +<p>On arriving at the enchanted spot, it soon became +evident to the senses of our astonished friend that +the “Cave” was not a cavern, fit for the habitation +of a powerful sorceress, but was merely a mystifying +cognomen applied to a drinking saloon with a billiard +room attached, which had accommodations, also, for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[314]</a></span> +persons who wished to participate in other profane +games.</p> + +<p>On entering the “Cave,” your deluded customer +saw no toothless hag with the expected witch-like +surroundings, but observed only a company of men, +seemingly respectable, indulging in plentiful potations +of beer and certain other liquids, which +appeared, at the distance from which he observed +them, to be the popular compounds designated in the +vulgar tongue as “whiskey toddies.” Addressing the +nearest bystander, the gulled Individual ascertained +the habitation of Mrs. Grommer, and immediately +departed in search of that interesting female.</p> + +<p>The way was crooked, as all Williamsburgh ways +are, but after an irregular, curvilinear journey of +half an hour, the anxious inquirer stood in front of +the looked-for mansion.</p> + +<p>The grading of the street has left at this point a +gravel bank some six or eight feet high, on the summit +of which is perched the house of Mrs. Grommer, +like a contented mud-turtle on a sunny stump. It is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[315]</a></span> +a one-story affair, with several irregular wings or +additions sprouting out of it at unexpected angles, +and, on the whole, it looks as if it had been originally +built tall and slim like a tallow candle, but +had melted and run down into its present indescribable +shape. The architect neglected to provide this +beautiful edifice with a front door, and the inquirer +was compelled to ascend the bank by a flight of rheumatic +steps, and make a grand detour through currant +bushes, chickens, washtubs, rain-barrels, and +colored children, irregular as to size, and variegated +as to hue, to the back, and only door. Here his +modest rap was unanswered, and he composedly +walked in, unasked, through the kitchen, and took a +seat in the parlor, where he was presently discovered +by the lady of the house, but not until he had time to +take an accurate observation.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Grommer had, up to this time, been engaged +in making a public example of certain ones of her +grandchildren, who had been trespassing on the currant +bushes of a neighbor, and had been caught in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[316]</a></span> +the act. Their indulgent grandmother, being scandalized +by this exhibition of youthful depravity, with a +regard for the demands of strict justice that did her +infinite credit, had inflicted on several of the delinquents +that mild punishment known as “spanking.” +The novelty of the sight had drawn together quite a +collection of the neighbors, who signified their +approval of the deed by encouraging cheers.</p> + +<p>Meantime the Individual had ample time to +contemplate the inside beauties of the mansion of the +sable prophet. Mrs. Grommer soon finished her +athletic exercise out-doors, and came into the house +to rearrange her dress and receive her company.</p> + +<p>The reception-room was about 10 by 12, and so low +that a tall man could not yawn in it without rapping +his head against the ceiling. In places the plaster +had been displaced and the bare lath showed through, +reminding one of skeletons. The floor was dingily +carpeted; a double bed occupied one side of the room, +a small cooking-stove stood in the middle of the floor +and had a disproportionately slim pipe issuing out of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[317]</a></span> +the corner, like a straw in a mint-julep; seven chairs +of varied patterns, a small round table, on which lay +a pack of cards covered with a cloth, and a tumble-down +chest of drawers completed the necessary furniture +of the apartment. The ornaments are quickly +enumerated. A black wooden cross hung by the +windows, a few cheap and gaudy Scriptural prints +were fastened against the wall, a chemist’s bottle, of +large dimensions, and filled with a blue liquid, reposed +on the chest of drawers, side by side with a few miniature +casts of lambs and dogs; and on a little shelf +stood a quarter-size plaster bust of some unknown +worthy, of which the head had been knocked off and +its place significantly supplied with a goose-egg.</p> + +<p>In a short time Mrs. Grommer emerged from an +unlooked-for apartment and entered the room. She +is a negress and a grandmother—her age is 65, and a +brood of children, together with a swarm of the aforesaid +grandchildren, reside near at hand and keep the +old lady’s mansion constantly besieged.</p> + +<p>As to size—she is large, apparently solid, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[318]</a></span> +would struggle severely with a 200 pound weight +before she would acknowledge herself conquered. +She was neatly attired, and, in fact, a most grateful +air of cleanliness pervaded the entire establishment, +and it was a refreshing contrast to most of the dens +of the fairer-skinned witches heretofore encountered +by the cash delegate.</p> + +<p>The sable one entered into conversation, and a few +minutes were passed in cheerful chat, in the course of +which she thus referred to the scapegrace husband of +one of her numerous daughters: “They think Anson +is dead, but I can’t station him dead. I think he’s at +sea somewhere, or in a foreign land, but I can’t station +him dead. He might as well be under ground for all +the good he is, for he is such a poor, mis’able, drinkin’ +feller that he aint no use, but, after all, I can’t run +him dead.”</p> + +<p>At last, the object of the visit was mentioned, and, +to the individual’s great surprise, Mrs. Grommer positively +and peremptorily refused to give him the +benefit of her prophetic powers.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[319]</a></span></p> + +<p>She said: “It aint no use; I never does for gentlemen. +I does sometimes for ladies, but I can’t do it +for gentlemen.” Remonstrance and entreaty were +alike useless; she was immovable. At last, she said +she would call her “old man,” who could tell fortunes +as well as she could, but she added, with a determined +shake of the head: “He’ll do it, but he will charge +you a dollar; and he wont do it under, neither.” +When her hearer expressed his willingness to learn +his future fate by the masculine medium, she +addressed him thus: “You station there, in that +chair, and I’ll send him.” The disappointed one +“stationed” in the designated chair, and awaited the +coming of the “old man.” He soon appeared and +seated himself, ready to begin.</p> + +<p>“Old Man” Grommer is a professor of the whitewashing +branch of decorative art. He occasionally +relaxes his noble mind from the arduous mental labor +attendant upon the successful carrying on of his regular +business, and condescends to earn an easy dollar +by fortune-telling. He is a shrewd-looking old man,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[320]</a></span> +with a dash of white blood in his composition; his +hair curls tightly all over his head, but is elaborated +on each side of his face into a single hard-twisted ringlet; +short crisped whiskers, streaked with grey, encircle +his face, and an imperial completes his hirsute +attractions; his cheeks and forehead are marked with +the small-pox.</p> + +<p>He was attired in a grey and striped dress, the +peculiarity of which was that the coat and vest were +bound with wide stripes of black velvet. He speaks +with but little of the peculiar negro dialect, except when +he forgets himself for an instant, and unguardedly +relapses into the old habits, which he has evidently +carefully endeavored to overcome. He looked at his +visitor very sharply for a minute or two, while he pretended +to be abstractedly shuffling the cards; and +collecting his valuable thoughts, at last he remarked:</p> + +<p>“I s’pose you want me to run the cards for you?” +The reply was in the affirmative, and the colored +prophet concentrated his mind and began. Slowly he +dealt the cards, and spake as follows:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[321]</a></span></p> + +<p>“You don’t believe in fortunes, my son—I see that. +Must tell you what I see here—can’t help it—if I see +it in the cards, must tell you. You’ve had great deal +trouble, my son; more comin’. Can’t help it; mus’ +tell you. I see trouble in de cards; I see razackly +what it is.”</p> + +<p>Here he suddenly stopped, and resuming his +guarded manner, continued: “You’ve lost something, +my son; something that you think a great deal of. +Now I don’t like to tell about lost things; I’se ’fraid +I’ll get myself into a snare; I’d rather not say nothing +about it; fear I’ll get myself into trouble.” His auditor +here gave him the most positive assurances that he +should never be called into court to identify the thief +of the missing article, and that he should be held free +from all harm; whereupon he consented to impart +the following information:</p> + +<p>“Dis thing you lost is something that hangs up on +a nail—something bright and round—you thinks a +great deal of it, my son—when it went away it had on +a bright guard—hasn’t got a bright guard on now;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[322]</a></span> +got a black guard—you see I knows all about de +article, my son, and I can tell you razackly where de +article is—but I’se rather not tell you ’bout it, my son; +’fraid I’ll run myself into a snare; dat’s the truth, my +son, rather no say nothin’ ’bout de article.”</p> + +<p>Being again assured of safety, he went on: “Well, +my son, I’ll tell you ’bout this yer thing. Has you +got any boys in yer employ? No. Got two girls +have you? One of dem girls is light-haired and de +other is dark—the light one is de one who comes in +your room in your boarding-house every morning +when you’se gone away—’cause you lives in a boardin’ +house, I sees that—can see it in the cards, can always +tell razackly. If you make a fuss about dat article +you make your landlady feel bad. You has accused +somebody of taking that article, but you ’cused de +wrong person. The light-haired girl is who’s got that +article. Can’t help it, my son, must tell you—de +light-haired girl is de person. Mebbe she’s put it +back, my son, I’ll see.”</p> + +<p>Here he cut the cards carefully, and continued:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[323]</a></span></p> + +<p>“There’s trouble ’bout dat article, my son, can’t +help it, must tell you—but you’ll get the article, but +you’ll have disappointment. Whenever you see dat +card you may know there’s disappointment comin’—dat +card is always disappointment—can’t help it, my +son, must tell you.” Here he exhibited the nine of +spades, to the malignant influence of which he attributed +the future woes of his hearer.</p> + +<p>“When you go home look in your bed between +the mattresses and see if the article is there, for +mebbe she’ll put it back—if it aint there you must +go to her and ’cuse her of it, ’cause it’s in the house +and she’s got it—can’t help it, my son, must tell +you.”</p> + +<p>It is perhaps needless to say that the customer had +met with no loss of property, and that all this was +entirely gratuitous on the part of Mr. Grommer. +Having, however, settled the matter to his satisfaction, +that gentleman turned his attention to other +things, and in the intervals of repeated shufflings and +cuttings of the cards he said:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[324]</a></span></p> + +<p>“Dere is a journey for you soon—and dis journey +is going to be the best thing that ever happened to +you—but dere is a little disappointment first—can’t +help it, my son, must tell—here you can see for yourself,” +and out came the malicious nine of spades again. +“You will get money from beyond sea, my son—lots +of money, lots of money, my son—here it is, you can +see for yourself,” and he exhibited the cheerful faces +of the eight, nine, and ten of diamonds. “You will +have disappointment before you get this money,” and +up came the hateful visage of the nine of spades once +more. “You was born under a good star, my son—under +a morning star—you was born under the planet +Jupiter, my son, at 28 minutes past four in the morning—lucky +star, my son, very lucky star. You are +going to make a great change in your business, my +son, which will be good; you will always be successful +in business, but I think there is a little disappointment +first; can’t help it, must tell you.” Here the +listener looked for the nine of spades again, but it +didn’t come. “After a little while you turns your<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[325]</a></span> +back on trouble; here, you can see for yourself—see, +this is you.”</p> + +<p>The king of clubs was the Individual at that instant, +and the troubles upon which he turned his back are, +as nearly as he can remember, the knave of clubs, the +nine of spades, and the deuce of diamonds.</p> + +<p>The sage went on. “I’m comin’ now to your marriage. +You’se goin’ to be married, but you’ll have +some disappointment first—can’t help it, my son, must +tell you. You see, here is a dark-complected lady +that you like, and she has a heart for you, but her +father don’t like you—he prefers a young man of +lighter complexion—see, here you all are, my son. +This is you,” and he showed the king of clubs—“and +this is her.” The “her” of whom he spoke so irreverently, +was the queen of clubs. “This is the heart she +has for you,” and he exhibited the seven of that +amorous suit. “This is her father”—the obstinate +and cruel “parient” here displayed, was the king +of spades—“and dis yer is de young man her father +likes,” and he placed before the eyes of the customer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[326]</a></span> +a hated rival in the shape of the knave of diamonds. +“You see how it is, my son, dere is trouble between +you—can’t help it. You may possibly marry de +dark-complected lady yet, but don’t you do it, my +son, don’t you do it—now mind I tell you, don’t you +do it—she is not the lady for you—can’t help it, +must tell you; if you marry dat lady you will be +sorry dat you ever tie de knot. See, here is the +knot,” and he showed the ace of diamonds. “See, this +is the lady you ought to marry,” and he produced +the queen of diamonds; “and she will be your second +wife if you do marry de dark-complected lady, but +you’d better marry her first if you can get her, and +let de dark-complected lady go for ebber; dat’s so, my +son, now mind I tell you.”</p> + +<p>He condescended no more, and the Cash Customer +disbursed his dollar and departed, all the grandchildren +gathering on the bank to give him three cheers +as a parting salute.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XV" id="CHAPTER_XV"></a>CHAPTER XV.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[327]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>How the “Individual” calls on Madame Clifton, of No. 185<br /> +Orchard Street, and how that amiable and gifted<br /> +“Seventh daughter of a seventh daughter,” prophesies<br /> +his speedy death and destruction,<br /> +together with all about the “Chinese<br /> +Ruling Planet Charm.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[328]</a></span>”</h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER XV.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[329]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MADAME CLIFTON, 185 ORCHARD STREET.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">Perhaps</span> there is no class of men brought constantly +and prominently before the public eye, that is so +great a puzzle to that public, as the class popularly +denominated “sporting men.” There is not a corner +on Broadway where they do not congregate; there is +not a theatre where they do not abound, and there is +not a concert-room that does not overrun with them. +There is a uniformity in their appearance that makes +them easily recognised, for they all affect the ultra +stylish in costume, even to the extreme of light kid +gloves in the street; they all have the crisp moustache, +the smooth-shaven cheeks, and the same keen, +ever-watchful eye, constantly on the look-out for a +“customer,” that respectable word meaning, in their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[330]</a></span> +slang, a person to be victimized and swindled. Every +lady who walks the street has to run the gauntlet of +their insolent glances, and not unfrequently to hear +their vulgar and offensive criticisms on her personal +appearance; and every gentleman whose business +calls him into Broadway of a pleasant day, has seen +these persons grouped on the corner leisurely surveying +the passers-by, or gathered into a little knot +before some favorite rum-shop, discussing what is, to +them, the absorbing topic of the day—probably the +“good strike” Blobbsby made, “fighting the tiger,” +the night before; the “heavy run” a favorite billiard-player +made on a certain occasion, or the respective +chances of success of the two distinguished gentlemen +who may chance at that time to be in training with +a view of battering each other’s heads until one concedes +his claim to the brutal “honors” of the prize +ring.</p> + +<p>No gentlemen of fashion and fortune are more +expensively dressed than these men; no class of people +wear more finely stitched and embroidered linen,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[331]</a></span> +more costly broadcloth, more showy golden ornaments, +or more brilliant diamonds; but for all, the +man is yet to be found who has ever seen one of them +put his hand or his brain to one single hour’s honest +work. Unsophisticated persons are often puzzled to +account for the apparently irreconcilable circumstances +of no work, and plenty of money, and in their endeavors +to invent a plausible hypothesis on the basis +of honesty, must ever be bewildered. The city man +knows them at a glance to be “sporting men.”</p> + +<p>This phrase is a particularly comprehensive one; +the “sporting man” is a gambler by profession, and +therefore a swindler by necessity, for an “honest +gambler” would fill a niche in the scale of created +beings that has never yet been occupied; in addition +to this, nearly every sporting man is a thief whenever +opportunity offers. They probably would not pick a +sober man’s pocket, or knock him down at night and +take his watch and money, for the risk of detection +would be too great; but they are kept from downright +stealing by no excess of virtue.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[332]</a></span></p> + +<p>These remarks apply to the “sporting men,” by +profession—to those plausible gallows-birds who have +no other ostensible means of getting a living. There +are many men who sometimes spend an hour or two +at a faro table, or who occasionally pass an evening +in gambling at some other game, who do all fairly, +and are above all suspicion of foul play; these +persons are of course plundered by sharpers who +surround them, and are called “good fellows” +because they submit to their losses without grumbling.</p> + +<p>The “sporting men” all have mistresses, on whom +they sometimes rely for funds whenever an “unlucky +hit,” or a “bad streak of luck,” has run their own +purses low.</p> + +<p>It is not part of the present purpose of this book to +give particulars as to who and what their mistresses +are, further than to state that at least one or two of +the “Witches” described herein, officiate in that +capacity. It is true, that the most of them are not of +a style to tempt the lust of any man, but there are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[333]</a></span> +certain exceptions to the general rule, and in one or +two instances the “Individual” found the fortune-teller +to be comely and pleasant to the eye. As these +women generally have plenty of money, they are very +eligible partners for gamblers, who are liable to as +many reverses as ever Mr. Micawber encountered, and +who, when once down, might remain perpetually +floored, did not some kind friend set them on their +financial feet again.</p> + +<p>And this is one of the duties of the monied mistress. +When the “sporting man” is in funds, no one is more +recklessly extravagant than he, and no one cuts a +greater dash than his “ladye-love,” if he chooses so to +do; but when the cards run cross, and the purse is +empty, it devolves upon her to furnish the capital to +start in the world again.</p> + +<p>The fact is well known to those who have taken +the trouble to inquire into the subject, that several of +the more fashionable fortune-tellers of the city sustain +this sort of illicit relation to certain “sporting +men,” whose faces a man may see, perhaps, half a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[334]</a></span> +dozen times in the course of a lounge up and down +Broadway of a pleasant afternoon.</p> + +<p>Madame Clifton is, on the whole, a comely woman, +and does a good business, but of course no sane person +will think of applying these remarks personally +to that respected matron.</p> + +<p>The “Individual” paid a lengthened visit to +Madame Clifton, and his remarks are recorded below. +Because he met a sleek, close-shaved, finely moustached +gentleman coming away from the door, he was +of course not justified in believing that the said gentleman +belonged to the establishment. Of course +not.</p> + +<p>The female professors of the black art hitherto +visited by the Cash Customer, had not impressed him +with a profound belief in their supernatural powers; +he was “anxious,” and was “awakened to inquiry,” +but he still had doubts, and there was great danger +of his backsliding if there wasn’t something immediately +done for him.</p> + +<p>He had been greatly disappointed by the absence<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[335]</a></span> +from the domiciles of these good ladies of all the traditional +necromantic implements and tools. His disposition +to adhere to the modern witch-faith would have +been greatly strengthened by the sight of a skull and +cross-bones; a tame snake, or a little devil in a bottle, +would have fixed his wavering belief; and his conversion +would have been thoroughly assured by the +timely exhibition of a broomstick on which he could +see the saddle-marks.</p> + +<p>None of these things had as yet been forthcoming, +and the anxious inquirer, mourning the departure of +all the romance of the art of witchcraft, was fast sinking +into a state of incurable scepticism on the subject +of even its utility, in the degenerate hands of modern +practitioners. Hope had not, however, entirely deserted +his heart, but still retained her fabled position +in the bottom of his chest, near that important viscus, +and he, therefore, courageously continued his pursuit +of witchcraft under difficulties.</p> + +<p>His next visit was to Orchard street, and he was +induced to expect favorable results by the encouraging<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[336]</a></span> +and positive assertion which concludes the subjoined +advertisement, that “Madame Clifton is no humbug:”</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">An Astrologist that beats the World</span>, and $5,000 reward +is offered to pay any person who can surpass her in giving correct +statements on past, present, and future events, particularly +absent friends, losses, lawsuits, &c. She also gives lucky numbers. +She surpasses any person that has ever visited our city. +She is also making great cures. All persons who are afflicted +with consumption, liver complaint, scrofula, rheumatism, or any +other lingering disease, would do well to call and see this wonderful +and natural gifted lady, and you will not go away dissatisfied. +N.B.—Madame Clifton is no humbug. Call and satisfy +yourselves. Residence No. 185 Orchard-st., between Houston +and Stanton.”</p></div> + +<p>Although Orchard Street is by no means so objectionable +a thoroughfare as human ingenuity might +make it, still, in spite of its pleasant-sounding name, it +is not altogether a vernal paradise. If there ever was +any fitness in the name it must have been many years +ago, and the ancient orchard bears now no fruit, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[337]</a></span> +low brick houses of assorted sizes and colors, seedy, +and, in appearance, semi-respectable. Occasionally a +blacksmith’s shop, a paint room, or a livery stable, +lower or meaner and more contracted than their neighbors, +look as if they never got ripe, but had shrivelled +and dropped off before their time.</p> + +<p>The street is in a state of perennial bloom with +half-built dwellings like gaudy scarlet blossoms, which +are ripened into tenements by the fostering care of +masons and carpenters with the most industrious +forcing; and buds of buildings are scattered in every +direction, in the shape of mortar-beds and piles of +brick and lumber, waiting the due time for their +architectural sprouting.</p> + +<p>The house of Madame Clifton is of moderate +growth, being but two stories high; it has a red brick +front and green window-blinds, and is so ingeniously +grafted to its nearest neighbor that some little care is +necessary to determine which is the parent stock. It +presents a fair outside, is but little damaged by age or +weather, and is seemingly in a state of good repair.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[338]</a></span></p> + +<p>A neat-looking colored girl answered the bell, and, +showing our reporter into the parlor, asked his business, +and if he “knew Madame Clifton’s terms?”</p> + +<p>Now when it is understood that fortune-telling is +by no means the only, or the most lucrative part of +Madame Clifton’s business, it will be perceived that +this inquiry had a peculiar significance. Having the +fear of libel suits before his eyes, the Individual cannot +state in precise and plain terms the exact nature of +the business which the colored girl evidently thought +had brought him there; he will content himself with +delicately insinuating, that if his errand had been of +the nature insinuated by that female delegate from +Africa, there would have been a “lady in the case.”</p> + +<p>Fortunately the Cash Customer had erred not thus, +but he made known to the colored lady his simple +business.</p> + +<p>Learning that he only wanted to have his fortune +told by the Madame, and had no occasion to test her skill +in the more expensive departments of her profession, +the girl appeared to be satisfied of the responsibility<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[339]</a></span> +of her visitor for that limited amount, and departed +to inform her mistress.</p> + +<p>The customer took an observation.</p> + +<p>The room was a neatly-furnished parlor, a little +flashy perhaps in the article of mirrors, but the sofas, +chairs, carpet, &c., were plain and not offensive to +good taste. A piano was in the room, but it was +closed, and its tone and quality are unknown. One +curious article, for a parlor ornament, stood in the corner +of the room; it was the huge sign-board of a perfumery +store, and bore in large letters the name of +a dealer in sweet-scented merchandise, blazoned +thereon in all the finery of Dutch metal and bronze. +This conspicuous article, though mysterious and +unaccountable, was not cabalistic, and savored not of +witchcraft.</p> + +<p>Presently the quiet colored girl returned, and in a +low voice, and with a subdued well-trained manner, +invited her visitor to follow her; meekly obeying, he +was led up two flights of respectable stairs into a +room wherein there was nothing mysterious, nor was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[340]</a></span> +there anything particularly suggestive except a large +glass case filled with a stock of perfumery. What +was the propriety of so very many bottles filled with +perfumes and medicines did not at first appear; but +the assortment of imprisoned odors, and liquid drugs, +and the store-sign down stairs, and Madame Clifton, +and a certain perfumery store in Broadway, and the +proprietor thereof, so tangled themselves together in +the brain of the inquirer that he has never since that +time been able to disconnect one from the other.</p> + +<p>Upon a small stand were two packs of cards—the +one an ordinary playing pack, and the other what are +known sometimes as fortune-telling cards. The +devices on these latter differed materially from those +in ordinary use; there were no plain cards; every +one was ornamented with some kind of a significant +design; there were pictures of women, of men, of +ships and raging seas, of hearses, and sickbeds, and +shrouds, and coffins, and corpses, and graves, and +tombstones, and similar cheerful objects; then there +were squares, and circles, and hands with scales, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[341]</a></span> +hands with daggers, and hands sticking through +clouds, and purses of money, and carriages, and +moons, and suns, and serpents, and hearts, and Cupids, +and eyes, and rays of light coming from nowhere, and +shining on nothing, and Herculeses with big clubs, and +big arms, bigger than the clubs, and big legs, bigger +than both together, and swords, and spears, and sundials, +and many other designs equally intelligible and +portentous.</p> + +<p>Soon the Madame appeared, and the attention of +the Individual was immediately diverted from surrounding +objects and riveted on the incomprehensible +woman who was “no humbug,” and who, according +to her own opinion of herself, would have exactly +realized Mr. Edmund Sparkler’s idea of a “dem’d fine +woman, with nobigodnonsense about her.”</p> + +<p>On the first glance, Madame Clifton is what would +be called “fine-looking,” but she does not analyse +well. She is of medium height, aged about thirty-five +years, with very light, piercing blue eyes, and very +black hair, one little lock of which is precisely twisted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[342]</a></span> +into a very elaborate little curl, which rests in the +middle of her forehead between her eyes, as if to keep +those quarrelsome orbs apart. Her eyebrows are +unusually heavy, so much so as to give a curious +menacing look to the upper part of her face, which +disagreeable expression is intensified by the extreme +paleness of her countenance.</p> + +<p>Her dress was unassuming, neat, and tasteful, save +in the one article of jewelry, of which she wore as +much as if the stock in trade at the Broadway perfumery +store had been pearls, and gold, and diamonds, +instead of perfumes and essences. Her deportment +was self-possessed and lady-like, that is, if an expression +of tireless watchfulness and unsleeping suspicion +are consistent with refined and easy manners. She +never took her steel-blue eyes from her visitor’s face; +she did not for an instant relax her confident smile; +she did not speak but in the lowest softest tones; but +her auditor felt every instant more convinced that +the voice was the falsest voice he ever heard, the +smile the falsest smile he ever saw, and that the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[343]</a></span> +cold piercing eye alone was true, and that was only +true because no art could conceal its calculating +glitter.</p> + +<p>If one could imagine a smiling cat, Madame Clifton +would resemble that cat more than any one thing in +the world. Neat and precise in her outward appearance; +not a fold of her garments, not a thread of lace +or ribbon, not a hair of her head, but was exactly +smooth and orderly, and in its exact place; not a +glance of her eye that was not watchful and suspicious; +not a tone or word that was not treacherous +in sound; not a movement of body or of limb that +was not soft and stealthy; her feline resemblances +developed themselves more and more every instant, +until at last the Individual came to regard her as +some kind of dangerous animal in a state of temporary +and perfidious repose. And this impression +deepened every instant, so much so, that when the +small soft hand was laid in his, he almost expected +to see the sharp claws unsheathe themselves from the +velvet finger-tips and fasten in his flesh.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[344]</a></span></p> + +<p>The language she used, when freed from the technical +phrases of her trade, was good enough for every +day, and she did not distinguish herself by any specialty +of bad English.</p> + +<p>She asked her customer, with her most insinuating +smile, if he would have her “run the cards for him,” +and on receiving an affirmative answer she took the +pack of playing cards into her velvet hands, pawed +them dexterously over a few times to shuffle them, +laid them in three rows with the faces upward, and +softly purred the following words:</p> + +<p>“I am uncertain whether to run you a club or a +diamond, for I do not exactly see how it is; but I +will run you a club first, and if you find that it does +not tell your past history, please to mention the fact +to me, and I will then run you a diamond.”</p> + +<p>She then proceeded to mention a number of fictitious +events which she asserted had happened in the +past life of her listener, but that individual, who did +not find that her revelations agreed with his own +knowledge of his former history, tremblingly informed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[345]</a></span> +her of that fact; and she then, with a most +vicious contraction of the overhanging eyebrows, +broke short the thread of her fanciful story, and +proceeded to “run him a diamond.”</p> + +<p>She evidently was determined to make the diamond +come nearer the truth—to which end she dexterously +strove by a series of very sharp cross-questionings to +elicit some circumstance of his early history, on which +she might enlarge, or to get some clue to his present +circumstances, and hopes, and aspirations, that she +might find some peg on which to hang a prediction with +an appearance of probability. The Individual—with +humiliation he confesses it—was a bachelor. His heart +had proved unsusceptible, and Cupid had hitherto failed +to hit him. On this occasion he proved characteristically +unimpressible; and the insinuating smile, the +inquiring look, and the winning manner, all failed of +effect, and he remained pertinaciously non-committal.</p> + +<p>Finding this to be the case, the feline Madame +changed her tactics, and, as if to spite her intractable +customer, began to prophesy innumerable ills and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[346]</a></span> +evils for him. She apparently strove to mitigate, in +some degree, the sting of her predictions by an increased +softness of manner, which was only a more +cat-like demeanor than ever. She spoke as follows—the +cold eye growing more cruel, and the wicked +smile more treacherous every instant. First, however, +came this guileful question, which was but a declaration +of war under a flag of truce:</p> + +<p>“You do not want me to flatter you, do you? +You want me to tell you exactly what I see in the +cards, do you not?” The customer stated that he was +able to bear at least the recital of his future adversity, +even if, when the reality came, he should be utterly +smashed; whereupon she proceeded:</p> + +<p>“I see here a great disappointment; you will be +disappointed in business, and the disappointment will +be very bitter and hard to bear—but that is not all, +nor the worst, by any means. I see a burial—it may +be only a death of one of your dearest friends, or +some near relative, such as your sister, but I see that +you yourself are weak in the chest and lungs; you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[347]</a></span> +are impulsive, proud, ambitious, and quick-tempered, +which last quality tends much to aggravate any diseases +of the chest, and I fear that the burial may be +your own. Your disease is serious, you cannot live +long, I think—I do not think you will live a year—in +fact, there is the strongest probability that you will +die before nine months. I think you will certainly +die before nine months, but if you survive, it will +only be after a most severe and painful illness, in the +course of which you will undergo the extreme of +human suffering. I see that you love a light-complexioned +lady, but her friends object to her marriage +with you, and are doing all they can to prevent it. +A dark-complexioned man is trying to get her away +from you; you must beware of him or he will do you +great injury, for he has both the will and the power; +he has already deceived and injured you, and will do +so again even more deeply than he has yet. I see a +journey, trouble, and misfortune, grief, sorrow, heavy +loss, and heaviness of heart. I again tell you that +you will die before nine months; but if you chance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[348]</a></span> +to survive, it will only be to encounter perpetual +crosses and misfortunes. I might, if I was disposed +to flatter you and give you false hopes, tell you that +you will be lucky, fortunate in business, that you will +get the lady, and I might promise you all sorts of +good luck, but I don’t want to flatter you; it would +be much more agreeable to me to tell you a good life, +for it sometimes pains me more than I can tell you to +read bad lives to people, and I feel it very deeply; +but I assure you that I never saw anybody’s cards +run as badly as do yours—I never saw so many losses +and crosses, and so much trouble and misfortune in +anybody’s cards in my whole life—even if you outlive +the nine months you will have the greatest trouble in +getting the lady, and will always have bad luck.”</p> + +<p>She then tried by means of the cards to spell out +the Inquirer’s name, but failed utterly, not getting a +single letter right; then she recommenced and threatened +him with so much bad luck that he began almost +to fear that he would break his leg before he rose +from his chair, or would instantly fall down in a fit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[349]</a></span> +and be carried off to die at the Hospital. She told +him that his lucky days were the 1st, 5th, 17th, 27th, +and 29th of every month. Then perceiving that his +feelings were deeply moved by the intractability of +the “cruel parients” of the light-complexioned lady, +and the black look of things generally, she slightly +relented, and went on to say:</p> + +<p>“If you will put your trust in me, and take my +advice as a friend, I can sell you something that will +surely secure you the lady, and thwart all your enemies—it +is not for my interest that I tell you this, for +upon my honor I make only five shillings upon fifty +dollars’ worth—it is no trick, but it is a charm which +you must wear about you, and which you must wish +over about the girl at stated times, and it will be sure +to have the desired effect.”</p> + +<p>The customer asked the price of this wonderful +charm.</p> + +<p>“It is from five to fifty dollars, but as you are so +extraordinarily unlucky I would advise you to take +the full charm. It is the <i>Chinese Ruling Planet +Charm</i>, and I import it from China at great expense.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[350]</a></span> +You must wear it about you, and every time you use +it you must do it in the name of God; so you see +there can be no demon about it. By means of this +charm I have brought together husbands and wives +who have been apart for three years, and I say a woman +who can do that is doing good, and there is no +demon about her. While you wear it you will not +die or meet with bad luck, but it will change the +whole current of your life.”</p> + +<p>She then told her unlucky hearer to make a wish +and she would tell him by the cards whether he could +have it or not. The answer was in the negative, and +it was evident that nothing but the <i>Chinese Ruling +Planet Charm</i> would save him, and no less than $50 +worth of that. So the smiling Madame returned to +the charge. “If you will take my advice as a friend, +take the charm; it is for your sake only that I say +this, for I make nothing by it—but I feel an interest +in you, and I wish you would buy the charm for my +sake as well as your own, for I want to see its effect +on a fortune so bad as yours. If you don’t buy it, +and all kinds of ill-fortune befalls you, don’t say I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[351]</a></span> +didn’t warn you, and don’t call Madame Clifton a +humbug; but if you do buy it, you may be sure that +you will ever bless the day you saw Madame Clifton.”</p> + +<p>It is, perhaps, needless to state that the Individual +didn’t have with him the fifty dollars to pay +for the charm, but intimated that he would call +again, after he got his year’s salary.</p> + +<p>She then said: “If you happen to call when I am +engaged, tell the girl to say that you want to see me +about <i>medicine</i>, and I will see you, for I never put +off anybody who wants <i>medicine</i>, no matter who is +with me, say <i>medicine</i>, and I will see you instantly.” +Here she softly showed her visitor to the door, and +smiled on him until he stood on the outside steps. +He then departed, secretly wondering what kind of +“medicine” she was prepared to furnish in case any +unlooked for occasion should suggest a second call. +Her last remark suggested that Madame Clifton +derives a larger profit from the peculiar kinds of +“<i>medicine</i>” she deals in, than from all her other +witchery.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[352]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVI" id="CHAPTER_XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[353]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Details the particulars of a morning call on Madame Harris,<br /> +of No. 80 West 19th Street, and how she covered<br /> +up her beautiful head in a black bag.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[354]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER XVI.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[355]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MADAME HARRIS, No. 80 WEST 19<span class="smcap">th</span> STREET, +NEAR SIXTH AVENUE.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">Madame Harris</span> is one of the most ignorant and +filthy of all the witches of New York. She does not +depend entirely on her “astrology” for her subsistence, +but relies on it merely to bring in a few dollars +in the spare hours not occupied in the practice of the +other dirty trades by which she picks up a dishonest +living. She has a good many customers, and in one +way and another she contrives to get a good deal of +money from the gullible public. She has been +engaged in business a number of years, and has +thriven much better than she probably would, had +she been employed in an honester avocation.</p> + +<p>The “Individual” paid her a visit, and carefully<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[356]</a></span> +noted down all her valuable communications; he has +told the whole story in the words following:</p> + +<p>We all believe in Aladdin, and have as much +faith in his uncle as in our own; but we don’t know +the pattern of his lamp, we have no photograph of +the genii that obeyed it, and we can make no correct +computation of the market value of the two hundred +slaves with jars of jewels on their heads. The +customer, who is determined that posterity shall be +able to make no such complaint of him or of his +history, here solemnly undertakes, upon the faith +of his salary, to relate the unadorned truth, and to +indulge in no <i>ad libitum</i> variations—imagining, while +he writes, that he sees in the distance the critical +public, like a many-headed Gradgrind, singing out +lustily for “Facts, sir, facts.”</p> + +<p>The next fact, then, to be investigated and sworn +to, is this Madame Harris, a very dirty female fact +indeed, residing in the upper part of the city, and +advertising as follows:</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[357]</a></span></p><div class="blockquot"><p>“<span class="smcap">Madame Harris.</span>—This mysterious Lady is a wonder to +all—her predictions are so true. She can tell all the events +of life. Office, No. 80 West 19th-st., near 6th-av. Hours +10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Ladies 25 cts.; Gentlemen 50 cts. She +causes speedy marriages; charge extra.”</p></div> + +<p>Wearily the inquirer plodded his way on foot to +West 19th Street, fearing to trust himself to a stage +or car, lest the careless conversation of the unthinking, +and the reprehensible jocularity of the little boys +who hang about the corners of the streets which +intersect the Sixth Avenue, and pelt unwary passengers +with paving-stones, should divert his mind from +the importance and great moral responsibility of his +mission.</p> + +<p>After encountering a large assortment of the dangers +and discomforts incident to pedestrianism in +New York in muddy weather, he achieved West +19th street, and stood in sight of the mysterious +domicile of Madame Harris.</p> + +<p>It is a tenement house, shabby-genteel even in its +first pretentious newness; but it has now lost its former +appearance even of semi-respectability, and has<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[358]</a></span> +degenerated to a state of dirt only conceivable by +those unhappy families who live two in a house, and +are in a constant state of pot-and-kettle war, and of +mutual refusing to clean out the common hall.</p> + +<p>A little mountain of potato skins, and bones, and +other kitchen refuse, round which he was forced to +make a detour, plainly said to the traveller that the +population of the house No. 80 were in the habit of +depositing garbage in the gutters, under cover of the +night, and in violation of the city ordinance. A +highly-perfumed atmosphere surrounds this delightful +abode, for the first floor thereof is occupied as a +livery stable, which constantly exhales those sweet +and pungent odors peculiar to equine habitations.</p> + +<p>Pulling the sticky bell-handle with as dainty a +touch as possible, the Individual was admitted by a +slatternly weak-eyed girl of about eighteen, with her +hair and dress as tumbled as though she had just +been run through a corn-shelling machine, and who +was so unnecessarily dirty that even her face had not +been washed. She was further distinguished by a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[359]</a></span> +wart on her nose of such shape and dimensions that +it gave her face the appearance of being fortified by a +many-sided fort, which commanded the whole countenance.</p> + +<p>This interesting young female welcomed her visitor +with a clammy “Come in,” and led the way up stairs, +he following, in due dread of being for ever extinguished +by an avalanche of unwashed keelers and +kettles, which were unsteadily piled up on the landing, +and which an incautious touch would have toppled +over, and deluged the stairs with unknown sweet-smelling +compounds, whose legitimate destination +was the sewer. On the second floor, directly, judging +from the noise, over the stall of the balkiest +horse in the stable below, is the room of the +Madame.</p> + +<p>The customer took an observation:</p> + +<p>The furnishings of the apartment showed an +attempt to keep up a show, which was by far too +miserably transparent to hide the slovenliness which +peeped out everywhere through the tawdry gilding.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[360]</a></span> +There were so many oil paintings on the walls, in +such gaudy frames, that it seemed as if the room had +been dipped into a bath of cheap auction pictures, and +hadn’t been wiped dry, or had been out in a shower +of them, and hadn’t come in until it had got very +wet. A broad gilt window cornice stood leaning in +the corner of the room, instead of being in its legitimate +place; a pair of lace curtains were wadded up +and thrown in a chair, while the windows were +covered with the commonest painted muslin shades; +a piano-stool stood in the middle of the room, but +there was no piano.</p> + +<p>These were the indications of “better days;” these +were the shallow traps set to inveigle the beholder +into a belief in the opulence of the occupants of this +charming residence.</p> + +<p>But the little cooking-stove, on which two smoothing +irons were heating, the scraps of different patterned +carpets which hid the floor, and made it +appear as if covered with some kind of variegated +woollen chowder, the second-hand, conciliating please-buy-me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[361]</a></span> +look of the three chairs, and the dirt and +greasy grime which gave a character to the place, +told at once the true state of facts.</p> + +<p>On one side of the room was a little door, evidently +communicating with a closet or small bedroom; on +this door was a slip of tin, on which was painted</p> + +<div class="bbox" style="width: 16em"> +<p>Office.—Madam Harris, Astrologist.</p> +</div> + +<p class="ni">and into this “office” the weak-eyed girl disappeared, +with a shame-faced look, as if she had tried to steal +her visitor’s pocket-book, and hadn’t succeeded. Presently +there came from the closet a sound of half-suppressed +merriment, as if a constant succession of +laughs were born there, full grown and boisterous, +but were instantly garroted by some unknown power, +until each one expired in a kind of choky giggle. +There was also a noise of the making of a bed, the +hustling of chairs, the putting away of toilet articles +out of sight, and over all was heard the chiding voice<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[362]</a></span> +of Madame Harris, who was evidently dressing herself, +superintending these other various operations, +and scolding the weak-eyed maiden all at once.</p> + +<p>At last this latter individual got so far the better +of her jocularity that she was able to deport herself +with outward seriousness when she emerged from the +mysterious closet, and said to the Individual, “Walk +in.” At this time she was under so great a head of +laugh that she would inevitably have exploded, had +she not, the instant her visitor turned his back, let go +her safety-valve, and relieved herself by a guffaw +which would have been an honor and a credit to any +one of the horses on the first floor.</p> + +<p>The room in which Madame Harris was waiting to +receive her customer was so dark that he stumbled +over a chair, and fell across a bed before he could see +where he was. Then he recovered himself, and took +an observation.</p> + +<p>The room was a very small one—so diminutive, +indeed, that the bed, which occupied one side of it, +reduced the available space more than two-thirds.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[363]</a></span> +It was partitioned off from the rest of the room by +a dirty patch-work bed-quilt, with more holes than +patches. The walls were scrawled over with pencil-marks, +evidently drawings made by young children, +who had the usual childish notions of proportion and +perspective; and on one side of the wall, near the +head of the bed, a bit of pasteboard persisted in this +startling announcement—</p> + +<div class="bbox" style="width: 7em; padding: 0.5em"> +<p>tE<i>R</i>ms C<i>a</i>sH</p> +</div> + +<p class="ni">A narrow strip of rag carpet was on the floor; a +small stand and a chair completed the furnishing of +the room, and a single smoky pewter lamp exhausted +itself in a dismal combat with the gloom, which +constantly got the better of it.</p> + +<p>When the Cash Inquirer stumbled, and took an +involuntary leap into the middle of the bed, an awful +voice came out of the dreariness, saying, “There is a +chair right there behind you.” This information +proved to be correct, and the discomfited delegate<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[364]</a></span> +subsided into it, and gazed stolidly at the Madame. +If Madame Harris were worth as much by the pound +as beef, her market-price would be about twenty-five +dollars. She was attired in a loose morning-gown, +of an exceedingly flashy pattern, open before, disclosing +a skirt meant to be white, but whose cleanliness +was merely traditional. Of her countenance her +visitor cannot speak, for it was carefully hidden from +his inquiring gaze, and its unknown beauties are left +to the imagination of the reader. Perched mysteriously +on the back of her head, where it was retained +by some feminine hocus-pocus, which has ever been a +sealed mystery to <i>man</i>kind, was a little black bonnet, +marvellous in pattern and design; from this depended +a long black veil, covering her countenance, and disguising +her as effectually as if she had washed her +face and put on a clean dress.</p> + +<p>She proceeded at once to business, and opened conversation +with this appropriate remark: “My terms +is fifty cents for gentlemen, and the pay is always in +advance.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[365]</a></span>”</p> + +<p>Here followed a disbursement on the part of the +anxious seeker after knowledge, and an approving +chuckle was heard under the veil.</p> + +<p>Taking up a pack of cards so overlaid with dirt +that it was a work of time and study to tell a queen +from a nine spot, or distinguish the knaves from the +aces, she presented them with the imperative remark: +“Cut them once.”</p> + +<p>Then ensued the following wonderful predictions +uttered by a dubious and uncertain voice under the +veil—which voice seemed one minute to come from +the mouth, then it issued from the throat, then it +sprawled out of the stomach, then it was heard from +the back of the head under the bonnet, and in the +course of a few minutes it came from so many places, +that the puzzled hearer was dubious as to its exact +whereabouts—these curious effects being, doubtless, +attributable to the thick covering over the face. But +its various communications, when gathered together, +were found to sum up as follows:</p> + +<p>“You face back misfortune and trouble, of which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[366]</a></span> +you have had much, but they are now behind you, +and you have no more to fear. You will henceforth +be successful in business, you will have a great deal +of money. Your affection card faces up a young +woman with dark eyes and dark hair, about twenty-three +years old; she is older than she has led you to +believe; there is a dark-complexioned man whom you +will see in two days, who is your enemy; you may +not know it, but you had better beware of him, for +he will do you an injury, if he can; you will see him +and speak with him the night of day-after-to-morrow. +Your marriage card faces up this dark woman, as I +said before. I don’t see a great deal of money layin’ +round her, but there is plenty of money layin’ round +you in the future. Somebody will die and leave you +money within nine weeks, not counting this week. +You was born under the planet Mars, which gives +you two lucky days in every week—Mondays and +Thursdays; anything you begin on those days will +surely succeed.”</p> + +<p>Here she handed the cards to be cut again, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[367]</a></span> +operation disclosed a new feature in the Individual’s +matrimonial future, for she went on to say:</p> + +<p>“There is another woman who faces your love-card, +who has light hair and light eyes; she favors +your love-card and will be your first wife; you will +have five children—four girls and one boy; look out +for the dark-complexioned man, for he favors your +first wife, and, though she does not favor him very +much, he will try to get her away from you. Your +line of life is long; you will live to be sixty-eight +years old, but you will die very suddenly, for your +line of death crosses your line of life very suddenly, +which always brings sudden death.”</p> + +<p>Having given this cheering promise, she again held +out the cards to be cut, and said, “Cut them again +now, and make a wish at the same time, and I will +tell you if you will have your wish.”</p> + +<p>When the required ceremony had been solemnly +performed, she continued: “You will have your +wish, but not right away; don’t expect to get it before +week after next, but then you will be sure to have it,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[368]</a></span> +for there is no disappointment in the cards for you.” +She then informed her customer that she always +answered unerringly two questions, which he was now +at liberty to propound. He made a couple of inquiries +relative to his future business prospects, and +received in reply the promise of most gratifying results.</p> + +<p>Having then, as he supposed, got his money’s +worth, he was about to take his leave, when she interrupted +him thus:</p> + +<p>“I have a charm for securing good luck to whoever +wears it; you can wear it, and your most intimate +friend would never suspect it; my charge is one dollar +for gentlemen; a great many have bought it of +me; many merchants who were on the point of failing +have come to me and possessed this charm, and been +saved; you had better possess it, for it will be sure to +bring you good luck; if you possess it, you will +always be successful in business; Mr. Lynch of Mott +Street possessed it, and has been very lucky ever +since, besides a great number I could name; my +advice to you is, possess the charm.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_369" id="Page_369">[369]</a></span>”</p> + +<p>She then put her elbows on her knees after the +manner of a Fulton Market apple-pedler, in which +classic attitude she awaited an answer. The decision +was not favorable to her hopes; for the economical +customer concluded not to invest in the charm, +although it had brought such excellent fortune to Mr. +Lynch of Mott Street. He departed, encountering +again in his progress the weak-eyed one, who met him +with a smile, escorted him to the door with a great +laugh, and dismissed him with a joyous grin.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_370" id="Page_370">[370]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVII" id="CHAPTER_XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_371" id="Page_371">[371]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Treats of the peculiarities of several Witches in a single batch.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_372" id="Page_372">[372]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER XVII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_373" id="Page_373">[373]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A BATCH OF WITCHES.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">The</span> fortune-tellers so elaborately described in the +foregoing chapters are by no means the only ones in +New York, engaged in that lucrative occupation; +there are several others who were visited by the +Individual, but who in their surroundings approach +so nearly to those already set down, that a detailed +description of each would necessarily be a somewhat +monotonous repetition. So the prophecy only of each +one is here writ down, with a few words suggestive +of the character of the immediate neighborhood, +leaving the imaginative reader to fill up the blank +himself, or to turn back to some foregoing chapter for +a picture of a similar locality, if he prefers it ready-made +to his hands.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_374" id="Page_374">[374]</a></span></p> + + +<h3 style="padding-top: 1em">MADAME DE BELLINI, No. 159 FORSYTH STREET.</h3> + +<p>For the benefit of those not familiar with the +streets of New York, it is perhaps well to mention +that Forsyth Street is a dirty thoroughfare, two +streets east of the Bowery, and that it is filled for the +most part with small groceries, junk shops, swill milk +dispensaries, and stalls for the sale of diseased vegetables +and decaying fruit, and that the inhabitants are +mostly delegates from Africa, and from the Green +Isle of the Sea.</p> + +<p>Immediately adjoining the domicil of Madame de +Bellini is a filthy little vegetable store, and on the +opposite corner is an equally filthy Irish grocery, +where are dispensed swill milk and poisoned whiskey. +The residence of the Madame is a low two-story +brick house, of rather better appearance than many +of its neighbors, which are principally wooden buildings +with those old-fashioned peculiar roofs, with little +windows close under the cornice, which make a house +look as if it had had its hat knocked over its eyes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_375" id="Page_375">[375]</a></span></p> + +<p>Madame de Bellini is a Dutchwoman of very large +dimensions, being a two-hundred-and-fifty-pounder at +the lowest estimate. Like most fat women, she is +good-natured and smiling. She is apparently 35 +years old, of pleasant manners, somewhat embarrassed +by the difficulty she has in communicating her +ideas in English, and is much neater in person and +dress than the majority of ladies in the same line of +business. She would be a popular bar-maid at a +lager-bier saloon, and would preside over the fortunes +of the sausage and Swiss cheese table, with eminent +success, and satisfaction to the public.</p> + +<p>She welcomed the Cash Customer in a jolly +sort of way, introduced him to her private apartment, +and seated him on a chair at one side of a +little table, while she bestowed herself on a stool +opposite.</p> + +<p>Having ascertained that he did not speak German +with sufficient fluency to carry on an animated conversation +in that tongue, or to comprehend a rapidly +spoken discourse delivered therein, she was compelled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_376" id="Page_376">[376]</a></span> +to ventilate her English, which she did, beginning as +follows:</p> + +<p>“I speak not vera mooch goot English—I speak +German and French, but no goot English.”</p> + +<p>The Individual, with his usual caution, inquired +how much she proposed to charge for her services. +She responded thus:</p> + +<p>“I tell your for<i>toon</i> fier ein tollar, or I can tell your +for<i>toon</i> fier ein half-tollar.”</p> + +<p>Fifty cents’ worth was enough to begin with, so she +took his left hand in her huge fist, and as a preliminary +operation squeezed it till he gave it up for lost, +and in the intervals of his suffering hastily ran over +in his mind the various ways in which one-handed +people get a living; then she relented and did not +deprive him of that useful member, but said:</p> + +<p>“You have goot hand, vera goot hand—your hand +gifs you goot fortoon. You was born under goot +blanet, vera nice blanet, you have vera nice fortoon. +You have mooch rich, vera great monish; you haf +seen drubbles, (trouble) vera mooch drubbles—more<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_377" id="Page_377">[377]</a></span> +drubbles you haf seen, as you will see some more—dat +is, you shall not have so many drubbles py and py +as you haf had long ago, for you haf goot blanet. +You will journeys make mooch in footoor (future) +years. You will have two wifes and mooch kindes +(children) in der footoor years, and you will be vera +mooch happy und bleasant mit der wife vot you shall +have der first dime, but not so mooch happy und +bleasant mit der wife vot you shall have der two time, +but you shall vera mooch monish have in der fortoor +years.”</p> + +<p>She then released the hand of her visitor, who was +very glad to get it back again, and took up a pack of +cards, which she manipulated in the customary style, +and then said:</p> + +<p>“Your carts run vera nice; you have goot carts; +here is a shentleman’s as ish vera goot to you, he is +great friends mit you: here is a letter vot you shall +be come to you right avays vera soon—it ish goot +news to you; you must do joost vot das letter says. +Here ish a brown girls vot lofs (loves) you vera<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_378" id="Page_378">[378]</a></span> +mooch, but you do not lofs dat girls, so much as das +girls lofs you—you will not be der vife of das girl, +for there is anunther girls vot you lofs bretty bad und +you will marry her; she is bretty goot girls und you +will be happy, you will hof lots of kindes mit das +girls. Das girls haf a man now vos lof her vera +mooch—he is was you call das soldier; he lofs her +mooch but he shall not hof her, you shall hof das +girls. Here is great man was will be good friend to +you; he ish vera great man, a big king; not vas you +call der könig, but your big mans, your, vos is +das, your bresident—de bresident bees goot friends +mit you—here is dark mans, he ish no goot friend +mit you, und you must keep away from das dark +mans.”</p> + +<p>This was all the information she appeared to derive +from this pack, which were ordinary playing cards, so +she laid them aside and took up the regular fortune-telling +cards, which are covered with various mysterious +devices. These did not seem to communicate +anything of very special importance in addition to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_379" id="Page_379">[379]</a></span> +what she had already said, for she examined them +closely and then merely summed up as follows:</p> + +<p>“Goot fortoon, goot blanet, goot vifes, blenty +monish, mooch kindes, not more troubles in der +footoor years, big friends, bresident mooch friends +mit you, lif long, ninety-nine years before you die, +leave fortoon to vife und two kindes.”</p> + +<p>The Individual was curious to inquire wherein +the fifty-cent dose he had received, differed from the +fortunes for which she charged “ein tollar,” and he +received the following information:</p> + +<p>“For ein tollar I gifs you a charm as you vears on +your necks, und it gifs you goot luck for ever, und +you never gets drownded, und you lifs long viles, +und you bees rich und vera mooch happy.”</p> + +<p>The Madame was also good-natured enough to exhibit +one of these powerful charms to her customer. +It was a piece of parchment, originally about four +inches square, but which had been scalloped on the +edges, and otherwise cut and carved; on it were inscribed +in German, several cabalistic words; this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_380" id="Page_380">[380]</a></span> +potent document was to be always worn next the +heart.</p> + +<p>Madame de Bellini has been in New York but a +year or two; she speaks French and German, and is +taking lessons in English from an American lady. +She has many customers, mostly German, and, as in +the case of all the other witches, the greatest majority +of her visitors are women.</p> + + +<h3 style="padding-top: 1em">MADAME LEBOND, No. 175 HUDSON STREET.</h3> + +<p>The house in which this woman was sojourning at +the time of the visit hereinafter described, is a boarding-house, +and the room of the Madame is the back +parlor on the second floor.</p> + +<p>The Individual was received at the door by a +short, greasy, dirty man, about forty years of age, +who invited him into the front parlor, to wait until +the Madame was disengaged. This man, who is an +ignorant, half-imbecile person, passes for the husband +of the fortune teller, and is known as <i>Doctor</i> Lebond. +He is a man of peculiar appearance; the top of his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_381" id="Page_381">[381]</a></span> +head is perfectly bald, and the fringe of hair about +the lower part of it, is twisted into long corkscrew +ringlets, that fall low down on his shoulders.</p> + +<p>He informed the customer that the Madame was +then engaged, but he seemed undecided about the +exact nature of her present employment. He first +said she was “tellin’ the futur for a young gal;” then +she was “engaged with a literary man;” then “a dry-goods +merchant wanted to find out if his head clerk +didn’t drink;” but finally he said that “Madame L. +is a eatin’ of her dinner.” After some ingenious +drawing-out, the <i>Doctor</i> vouchsafed the subjoined +statement of his business prospects.</p> + +<p>“We seen the time when we hadn’t fifteen minutes +a day, on account of young gals a comin’ for to have +their fortune told; we used to be busy from mornin’ +till ten and ’levin o’clock at night a-tellin’ fortunes +an’ a doctorin’—but now, we don’t do so much ’cause +the young gals don’t like to come to a boardin’-house +where young men can see ’em, ’specially in the evenin’. +We’s too public here; the young men a-boardin<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_382" id="Page_382">[382]</a></span>’ +here likes for to have the young gals come, they likes +for to see ’em in the parlor, but the young gals won’t +come so much, ’cause we’s too public. We’ll have for +to get another house on account of business.</p> + +<p>“I don’t get so much doctorin’ to do as I used to, +’cause we’s too public. I have doctored lots of folks, +principally young fellers and young gals, and I can +do it right. If you ever get into any trouble you’ll +find me and my wife <i>all right</i>; you can come to us—we +mean to be all right, and to give everybody the +worth of their money, and we <i>is</i> all right.”</p> + +<p>By this time, Madame Lebond had finished her dinner, +and was waiting in the back parlor. She is a +fat, slovenly-looking woman, forty years old or more, +having no teeth, and taking prodigious quantities of +snuff, which gives her enunciation some peculiar characteristics.</p> + +<p>When the Individual first beheld her, she was +standing in the middle of the floor, picking her teeth. +She requested her visitor to take a seat, and to pay +her half-a-dollar, with both of which requests he complied.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_383" id="Page_383">[383]</a></span> +She then put into his hand the end of a brass +tube about an inch in diameter and a foot long, and said: +“Give be the tibe of your birth as dear as possible.”</p> + +<p>This was done, and the following brief dialogue +ensued:—</p> + +<p>“Was you bord id the bording?”</p> + +<p>“I really don’t remember.”</p> + +<p>“Do you have beddy dreabs?”</p> + +<p>“I do not dream much.”</p> + +<p>“Thed you dod’t have bad dreabs?”</p> + +<p>“No.”</p> + +<p>“Thed you was bord id the bording,” by which +mysterious word she probably meant, “morning.” +She then continued:—</p> + +<p>“You are a pretty keed sbart chap—sharp id busidess, +but dot good id speculatiods, ad you should +codfide your attedtiods to busidess. If you keep od +as you are goidg dow, ad works hard, ad dod’t bix id +bad cobpady, ad is hodest, ad dod’t spend your buddy, +you will be rich. You will travel buch—you <i>have</i> +travelled buch, but your travels is hardly begud;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_384" id="Page_384">[384]</a></span> +there is a lodg jourdey at sea dow before you, ad you +will start od this jourdey bost udexpectedly; you +will always be lucky, ad will be very rich. I dod’t +say dothin’ to flatter do wud; lots of fellers ad gals +cub here ad I tell theb all jest what I see; if I see +bad luck I tell theb so; but yours is all good luck, +ad I see lots of it for you. You have had bad luck +lately, but you will get over your bad luck for you +are a pretty sbardt chap, ad have got a good deal of +abbitiod, ad you go ahead pretty well. You will +barry a gal—a gal as you have seed but dod’t know. +Very well, she is a youdg gal, ad a rich gal, ad a good-lookidg +gal; you will dot barry her for sobe tibe, +but you will barry her at last. She has a beau ad +you will likely have sobe trouble with hib, but you +will get the gal at last. The gal has light hair ad +blue eyes, ad I cad show her to you if you would +like to see her.”</p> + +<p>Of course the visitor liked to see her; so he +was directed to clasp the brass tube in his right +hand, and place his hand over the top. Then she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_385" id="Page_385">[385]</a></span> +stepped behind his chair and began to go through +with some extraordinary manual exercises on his +head. She felt of the bumps, she squeezed his head, +punched it, jerked it from side to side, and twisted +it about in every possible direction. What was the +object and intention of this performance she did not +disclose, but when she had kneaded his unfortunate +skull to her satisfaction, she bade him step to the +window and look into the tube.</p> + +<p>This he did, and he saw a very dingy-looking +daguerreotype of a fair-haired damsel with blue eyes, +who bore, of course, not the most distant resemblance +to any lady of his acquaintance.</p> + +<p>Then the fat Madame had a charm to sell, to be +worn about the neck, and never taken off, in which case +it would secure for the wearer “good luck” for ever.</p> + +<p>The Individual declined to purchase and departed, +meeting at the door the curly <i>Doctor</i>, who +once again offered his medical services in case the +stranger ever got into “trouble,” and who once again +assured that person with an air of mystery that “me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_386" id="Page_386">[386]</a></span> +and my wife is all right—yes, you may depend, we +is all right, we is.”</p> + + +<h3 style="padding-top: 1em">MADAME MAR, AND MADAME DE GORE, No. 176 +VARICK STREET.</h3> + +<p>These two eminent sorceresses are in partnership, +and drive a tolerably fair trade. They advertise in +the papers, one week the heading being “Madame +Mar, assisted by Madame de Gore,” and the next week, +it will be “Madame de Gore, assisted by Madame +Mar,” and the profits of the business are shared in the +same impartial manner.</p> + +<p>The house, No. 176, is in the worst part of Varick +Street, and the room occupied by the pair of witches +is over a boot and shoe store, and a pawnbroker’s +shop is directly opposite.</p> + +<p>The room is a small parlor, neatly though plainly +furnished, and with no professional implements visible. +When the inquirer made his call, Madame de Gore +was engaged in the kitchen, in her various household<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_387" id="Page_387">[387]</a></span> +duties, and Madame Mar attended to his call. She is +a tall and rather pleasing woman, neatly dressed and +of quiet manners.</p> + +<p>She secured a dollar in advance, and then led her +customer into a little closet-like room, furnished only +with a small table and two chairs. She then +announced that she is a “phrenologist,” and exhibited +a plaster bust with the “bumps” scientifically marked +out, and also some phrenological charts and other +publications. She proceeded to give the character of +her visitor in the usual mode of phrenological examinations, +after which she prophesied as follows:</p> + +<p>“You were born between Jupiter and Mars, with +such stars you can never be unlucky, for although you +have seen trouble, it is past. Your luck runs in +threes and fives—that is, you are unlucky three years +in succession, and lucky the five years following. +You are never <i>very</i> unlucky, but you do not do so +well in your third house as in your fifth house. You +could not be unlucky in your fifth house if you tried. +You have now two months to run in your third<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_388" id="Page_388">[388]</a></span> +house, then comes on your fifth house. Just now +your life seems to be under a cloud, but after two +months you will come out bright and will enjoy five +years of clear sunshine, and you will then be very +wealthy. You will have more money then than you +ever will again, though you will always have plenty. +Your wealth runs 14 at the end of five years; after +that runs 13½, which is very wealthy. You will +marry a young girl, wealthy and beautiful. You will +raise two daughters, but you will never have a large +family. You will be the father of many children, but +your family will never be more than two children. +You will go in business with a very wealthy Southern +man, his wealth runs 14—he has two sons and a +daughter. You will marry the daughter, though you +will be opposed by the father and one son, but the +other son will stick by you. You will live with that +wife twenty-five years, then she will die and you will +travel with your two daughters. You will go to +Europe. In England you will marry a French +widow. Your two daughters will marry well, and at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_389" id="Page_389">[389]</a></span> +72 or 73 years old you will die, leaving a widow, two +daughters, and a large fortune.”</p> + +<p>Madame de Gore did not make her appearance at +all, and after Madame Mar had failed to induce her +visitor to pay her an extra dollar for a phrenological +chart, she politely showed him out.</p> + + +<h3 style="padding-top: 1em">MADAME LANE, No. 159 MULBERRY STREET.</h3> + +<p>This distinguished lady lives in a dirty, dilapidated +mansion, at the corner of Grand and Mulberry Streets. +The Cash Customer was admitted by the Madame +herself, who desired him to be seated for a few +minutes, until she had concluded her business with a +boy of about 17 years old, who had called to find out +what would be the winning numbers in the next +Georgia lottery. Two dirty-faced children were playing +about the room, making a great noise.</p> + +<p>One corner of the room was fenced off with rough +boards, forming a narrow closet, in which two people +could, with some difficulty, sit down. This was the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_390" id="Page_390">[390]</a></span> +astrological chamber; the mystic room into which +visitors were conducted to have their fortunes told.</p> + +<p>Madame Lane is of the Irish breed; is red-haired, +freckled, and dirty to a degree. Her dress was +ragged, showing a soiled, dingy petticoat through +the rents.</p> + +<p>She seated her customer in the little room, produced +a pack of cards, and proceeded to tell his +future, at times shouting out threats and words of +warning to the noisy brats outside. Then she said:</p> + +<p>“You are a man as has seen a great deal of trouble +in the past.”</p> + +<p>It will be noticed that this is almost a universal +remark with the witches, probably because it is a +perfectly safe thing to assert of any person in the +world.</p> + +<p>“Yes, you have seen trouble in the past, not <i>real</i> +trouble, such as sickness, or losses in business, but +still, trouble, and your mind has been going this way +and that way and t’other way, but now all your +trouble and disappointment is past, and your mind<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_391" id="Page_391">[391]</a></span> +won’t go this way and that way any more. Stop that +noise you brats or I’ll beat you.” (This to the children.)</p> + +<p>“Your cards run lucky, ’cause you were born under +Jupiter, and folks as is borned under Jupiter will +always be lucky in business, in love, and in everything +they undertake. If your business sometimes +goes this way, and that way, and t’other way, it will +all come out right, for when a man is borned under +Jupiter he must be all right in his business, and in +his love, and in his marriage, and in his children. +Young ones stop that noise or I’ll beat you black and +blue. You have had sickness lately and your mind +has been going this way, and that way, and t’other +way, but you need not worry for it will be all right +soon. Children stop that row or clear right out to +the kitchen. Now mind. I tell you. I see a girl +here that loves you very much, but you don’t love +her and won’t marry her, but you will marry another +girl with black whiskers; no, I mean the feller that +is coortin’ her has got black whiskers, and I fear you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_392" id="Page_392">[392]</a></span> +will have trouble with black whiskers if you are not +careful—the girl has got black hair and is miserable +because you don’t write to her. I’m coming after +you, young ones there, with a raw hide and I’ll cut +the skin off your backs. You will marry this gal +and you will be very happy, and will have three +children, which will be joys to you. Children, I’ll +come and kill you in two minutes. And you will +always be prosperous in your business, and you will +be very rich, and you will live to be eighty-five +years old. Now you can cut the cards and make a +wish and I will tell you if it will come true. Yes, +your wish will come true, because you have cut the +knave, and queen, and king—if you’d like a speedy +marriage with the gal I told you of, I’ll fix it for you +for fifty cents extra; children if you don’t shut up +I’ll come and beat you blind.”</p> + +<p>The Individual invested a half-dollar as requested, +and received in return a white powder with these +instructions;—</p> + +<p>“You will burn that powder just before you get<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_393" id="Page_393">[393]</a></span> +into bed, and if you see the gal to-night you won’t +see no change in her, but she will be changed to-morrow. +She is kinder down on you now, but she +loves you though her mind is kinder this way and +that way, but she will be changed toward you to-night +by what I will do after you are gone.”</p> + +<p>The customer departed, leaving this fond mother +engaged in an active skirmish with the two children, +both of whom finally escaped into the street with +great howlings.</p> + +<p>Madame Lane does a good business. She says +that in pleasant weather she has from twenty-five to +fifty calls a-day, mostly women; but in bad weather +not more than fifteen or twenty, and these of the other +sex. Many of these come only to learn lucky numbers +for lottery gambling, and policy playing.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_394" id="Page_394">[394]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVIII" id="CHAPTER_XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_395" id="Page_395">[395]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Conclusion.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_396" id="Page_396">[396]</a></span></h3> + + + +<h2>CHAPTER XVIII.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_397" id="Page_397">[397]</a></span></h2> + +<hr /> + +<h3>CONCLUSION.</h3> + + +<p class="ni"><span class="smcap">It</span> has been already mentioned that there are a number +of persons in the city who do more or less in the +fortune-telling way, who never advertise for customers. +These we must leave to their own seclusion; +as our business has been with those who make a +business of this species of swindling, and who use all +manner of arts to entice the curious, or the credulous, +into their dens, there not only robbing them of their +money, but often putting them in the way to be injured +much more deeply. This, of course, is especially +the case with young girls.</p> + +<p>In order to give the readers of this book an idea of +the part taken by these fortune-telling women in +many of the terrible dramas of crime constantly enacting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_398" id="Page_398">[398]</a></span> +in city life, an extract showing the <i>modus operandi</i> +is here inserted. It is from one of a series of +very useful little books published in this city, and +entitled, “Tricks and Traps of New York.”</p> + +<p>Speaking of New York fortune-tellers, the author +says, having previously indulged in some severe remarks +about “yellow-covered” novels:</p> + + +<p style="padding-top: 1.5em">“To see how the fortune-teller performs her part, +let us suppose a case:</p> + +<p>“A young, credulous girl, whose mind has been +poisoned by the class of fictions above referred to, is +induced to visit a modern witch, for the purpose of +having her ‘fortune told.’ The woman is very +shrewd, and perceives, in a moment, the kind of customer +she has to deal with. Understanding her business +well, she is perfectly aware that love and marriage—courtship, +lovers, and wedded bliss—are the +subjects which are most agreeable.</p> + +<p>“She begins by complimenting her customer: ‘such +beautiful eyes, such elegant hair, such a charming<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_399" id="Page_399">[399]</a></span> +form, and graceful manners, are altogether too fine +for a servant or working girl.’ She must surely be +intended for a higher station in life, and she will certainly +attain it. She will rise in the world, by marriage, +and will one day be one of the finest ladies in +the land. Her husband will be the handsomest man +she has ever seen, and her children will be the most +beautiful in the world. Fortune-tellers always foretell +many children to their female customers; for the instinct +of maternity, the yearning desire for offspring, +is one of the strongest feelings of human nature.</p> + +<p>“Much more of this sort is said; and if the witch +finds her talk eagerly listened to, she knows exactly +how to proceed. She appoints days for other visits; +for she desires to get as many half-dollars out of her +dupe as she can. Meantime, the girl has been thinking +of what she has heard, has pictured to herself a +brilliant future—a rich husband—every luxury and +enjoyment—and, upon the whole, has built so many +castles in the air, that her brain is half-bewildered. +Even though she may not believe a tittle of what is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_400" id="Page_400">[400]</a></span> +said to her, feminine curiosity will generally lead her +to make a second visit; and when the fortune-teller +sees her come upon a like errand a second time, she +sets down her prey as tolerably sure and lays her +plans accordingly.</p> + +<p>“She goes on to state to the girl, in her usual rigmarole +style, that she will, in a few weeks, meet with a +lover; and perhaps she may receive a present of +jewelry; and by that she will know that the ‘handsome +young man’ has seen, and been smitten by her +many charms.</p> + +<p>“When the half-believing girl has gone, the scheming +sorceress calls to her aid her confederate in the +game—the party who is to personate ‘the handsome +young man.’ This is usually a spruce-looking fellow, +who makes this particular kind of work his +regular business; or it may be some rich debauchee, +who is seeking another victim, will come and lie in +wait, either behind the curtain or in the next room, +where, through some well-contrived crevice, he can +see and hear all that is going on. One or the other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_401" id="Page_401">[401]</a></span> +of these men it is that is to assist the witch in fulfilling +her prophecies; who is, at the proper time, to +be in the way to personate the ‘young beau,’ or +‘rich southerner,’ and to induce her to visit a house +of assignation, or, in some way, accomplish her ruin.</p> + +<p>“Persons who have been puzzled to know how +many of the young fellows get their living who are +seen about town, always well dressed, and with +plenty of cash, and yet having no apparently respectable +means of living, will find a future solution +of their questions in this explanation. Many of +these men are ‘kept’ by their mistresses, or by +the proprietors of houses of ill-fame; in the latter +case, to make acquaintance with strangers, and to +bring business to those houses. They are often very +fine-looking and well-appearing men, and possessed +of good natural abilities; but, from laziness or crime, +or some other cause, adopt the meanest possible business +a man can stoop to. Humiliating as this may +seem, and degrading as it is to poor human nature, +what we state is, nevertheless, the literal truth.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_402" id="Page_402">[402]</a></span></p> + +<p>“But, to come back to our supposed case. A few +days after her visit to the witch, the girl actually +does, perhaps, receive a present, as the witch predicted; +this not only pleases her vanity and love of +admiration, but disposes her to put confidence in the +powers of the fortune-teller to read coming events. +Straightway the deluded girl goes again to the witch, +to tell how things have fallen out, as she foretold, +and to seek further light upon the subject. It is now +the cue of the prophetess to describe the young man. +This she does in glowing terms; never failing to +endow him with a large fortune; and the poor girl +goes away with her head more turned than ever.”</p> + +<hr style="margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em" /> + +<p>“Enraptured with a description, or sight of the +picture of her fond love, the deluded girl is now all +anxiety to see him in person. The witch accordingly +gives her some magical powder (price one dollar), +which she is to put under her pillow every night for +seven nights, or wear next her heart for nine days, or +some other nonsense of that kind, at the end of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_403" id="Page_403">[403]</a></span> +which time, she is told to take the ferry-boat to +Hoboken or some such place, at a certain hour in the +afternoon, and somewhere on her route she will have +a sight of the gentleman she is almost crazed to see. +The result is plain, the ‘gentleman’ is there as +foretold, an acquaintance is commenced, and the girl +is ultimately ruined.</p> + +<p>“We have been thus particular to give, step by +step, the details of the mode of management pursued +in these cases. There are, of course, many varieties, +dictated by the circumstances of each case, but the +general features and the <i>result</i>, are the same.</p> + +<p>“The incidents above given are the outlines of a +real case in which the end of the conspirators was +accomplished; the girl, however, was rescued by the +Managers of the Magdalen Asylum, and is now leading +a blameless life.”</p> + +<p>The “Individual” has now concluded his labors, +and he hopes not without profit to the community at +large.</p> + +<p>He has heard it urged that this book will merely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_404" id="Page_404">[404]</a></span> +advertise the fortune-tellers, and that they will go on +driving a more flourishing trade than ever. He cannot +think that this will be the case; he cannot believe +that any persons who read in this book the candid +exposition of the style of necromancy dealt out by +the modern Circes, will be willing to pay money for +any personal experience of them, and he respectfully +submits that although they have heretofore been consulted +by many ladies of respectability, from motives +of mere curiosity, those ladies will risk no further +visits when they learn that they may with as much +propriety visit any other assignation house, as a +fortune-teller’s den.</p> + +<p>A recapitulation of the various prophecies made to +the Cash Customer would show that he has been +promised thirty-three wives, and something over +ninety children—that he was brought into the world +on various occasions between 1820 and 1833—that +he was born under nearly all the planets known to +astronomers—that he has more birth-places than he +has fingers and toes—that he has passed through so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_405" id="Page_405">[405]</a></span> +many scenes of unexpected happiness and complicated +misfortune in his past life, that he must have lived +fifty hours to the day and been wide awake all the +time—and he has so many future fortunes marked +out for him that at three hundred and fifty years old +his work will not be half done, and when at last all +<i>is</i> finally accomplished, a minute dissection of his +aged corpus will be necessary, that his earthly +remains may be buried in all the places set down +for him by these prophets.</p> + +<p>But aside from a humorous contemplation of the +subjects, he trusts he has done his work well; he is +sure he has done it faithfully, and he honestly hopes +that some good may come of his labors to write +down here honestly the ignorance and imbecility of +The Witches of New York.</p> + + +<p class="center" style="font-size: 90%; padding-top: 2em">THE END.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Witches of New York, by +Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WITCHES OF NEW YORK *** + +***** This file should be named 31717-h.htm or 31717-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/7/1/31717/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Irma Spehar and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/31717.txt b/31717.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b25684d --- /dev/null +++ b/31717.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7296 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Witches of New York, by Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Witches of New York + +Author: Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +Release Date: March 21, 2010 [EBook #31717] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WITCHES OF NEW YORK *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Irma Spehar and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + THE + WITCHES OF NEW YORK, + + AS ENCOUNTERED BY + + Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P. B. + + NEW YORK: RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY. MDCCCLIX. + + + Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1858, by + RUDD & CARLETON, +In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for + the Southern District of New York. + + + R. CRAIGHEAD, + Printer, Stereotyper, and Electrotyper, + Carton Building, + _81, 83, and 85 Centre Street_. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +What the Witches of New York City personally told me, Doesticks, +you will find written in this volume, without the slightest +exaggeration or perversion. I set out now with no intention of +misrepresenting anything that came under my observation in +collecting the material for this book, but with an honest desire +to tell the simple truth about the people I encountered, and the +prophecies I paid for. + +So far from desiring to do any injustice to the Fortune Tellers +of the Metropolis, I sincerely hope that my labors may avail +something towards making their true deservings more widely +appreciated, and their fitting reward more full and speedy. I am +satisfied that so soon as their character is better understood, +and certain peculiar features of their business more thoroughly +comprehended by the public, they will meet with more attention +from the dignitaries of the land than has ever before been +vouchsafed them. + +I thank the public for the flattering consideration paid to what +I have heretofore written, and respectfully submit that if they +would increase the obligation, perhaps the readiest way is to buy +and read the present volume. + + THE AUTHOR. + + _Sept. 20th, 1858._ + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +CHAPTER I. is simply Explanatory so far as regards the +book, but in it the author takes occasion to pay himself +several merited compliments on the score of honesty, ability, +&c., &c., &c. 15 + +CHAPTER II. is devoted to the glorification of Madame Prewster, +of No. 373 Bowery, the Pioneer Witch of New York. The "Individual" +also herein bears his testimony that she is oily and water-proof. 27 + +CHAPTER III. wherein are related divers strange things of Madame +Bruce, the "Mysterious Veiled Lady," of No. 513 Broome Street. 51 + +CHAPTER IV. Relates the marvellous performances of Madame +Widger, of No. 3 First Avenue, and how she looks into the +future through a paving-stone. 73 + +CHAPTER V. Discourses of Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First +Street, Williamsburgh, and tells what that Nursing Sorceress +communicated to the Cash Customer. 99 + +CHAPTER VI. in which are narrated the wonderful workings of +Madame Morrow, the "Astonisher," of No. 76 Broome Street, and how +by a Crinolinic Stratagem the "Individual" got a sight of his +"Future Husband." 123 + +CHAPTER VII. contains a full account of the interview of the Cash +Customer with Doctor Wilson, the Astrologer, of No. 172 Delancey +Street. The Fates decree that he shall "pizon his first wife." +HOORAY! 147 + +CHAPTER VIII. gives a history of how Mrs. Hayes, the Clairvoyant, +of No. 176 Grand Street, does the Conjuring Trick. 169 + +CHAPTER IX. tells all about Mrs. Seymour, the Clairvoyant, +of No. 110 Spring Street, and what she had to say. 195 + +CHAPTER X. describes Madame Carzo, the "Brazilian Astrologist," +and gives all the romantic adventures of the "Individual" +with the gay South American Maid. 215 + +CHAPTER XI. In which is set down the prophecy of Madame +Leander Lent, of No. 163 Mulberry Street; and how she +promised her customer numerous wives and children. 239 + +CHAPTER XII. Wherein are described all the particulars of a +visit to the "Gipsy Girl," of No. 207 Third Avenue; with +an allusion to Gin, and other luxuries dear to the heart of +that beautiful Rover. 261 + +CHAPTER XIII. contains a true account of the Magic Establishment +of Mrs. Fleury, of No. 263 Broome Street; and also shows the +exact amount of Witchcraft that snuffy personage can afford for +one dollar. 281 + +CHAPTER XIV. describes an interview with the "Cullud" Seer Mr. +Grommer, of No. 34 North Second Street, Williamsburgh, and what +that respectable Whitewasher and Prophet told his visitor. 305 + +CHAPTER XV. How the Individual called on Madame Clifton +of No. 185 Orchard Street, and how that amiable and gifted +"Seventh daughter of a Seventh daughter," prophesied his +speedy death and destruction--together with all about the +"Chinese Ruling Planet Charm." 327 + +CHAPTER XVI. details the particulars of a morning call on +Madame Harris, and how she covered up her beautiful head +in a black bag. 353 + +CHAPTER XVII. Treats of the peculiarities of Several Witches +in a single batch. 371 + +CHAPTER XVIII. Conclusion. 395 + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +Which is simply explanatory, so far as regards the book, but in +which the author takes occasion to pay himself several merited +compliments, on the score of honesty, ability, etc. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +WHICH IS MERELY EXPLANATORY. + + +The first undertaking of the author of these pages will be to +convince his readers that he has not set about making a merely +funny book, and that the subject of which he writes is one that +challenges their serious and earnest attention. Whatever of +humorous description may be found in the succeeding chapters, is +that which grows legitimately out of certain features of the +theme; for there has been no overstrained effort to _make_ fun +where none naturally existed. + +The Witches of New York exert an influence too powerful and too +wide-spread to be treated with such light regard as has been too +long manifested by the community they have swindled for so many +years; and it is to be desired that the day may come when they +will be no longer classed with harmless mountebanks, but with +dangerous criminals. + +People, curious in advertisements, have often read the +"Astrological" announcements of the newspapers, and have turned +up their critical noses at the ungrammatical style thereof, and +indulged the while in a sort of innocent wonder as to whether +these transparent nets ever catch any gulls. These matter-of-fact +individuals have no doubt often queried in a vague, purposeless +way, if there really can be in enlightened New York any +considerable number of persons who have faith in charms and +love-powders, and who put their trust in the prophetic infallibility +of a pack of greasy playing-cards. It may open the eyes of these +innocent querists to the popularity of modern witchcraft to learn +that the nineteen she-prophets who advertise in the daily +journals of this city are visited every week by an average of +_sixteen hundred people_, or at the rate of more than a dozen +customers a day for each one; and of this immense number +probably two-thirds place implicit confidence in the miserable +stuff they hear and pay for. + +It is also true that although a part of these visitors are +ignorant servants, unfortunate girls of the town, or uneducated +overgrown boys, still there are among them not a few men engaged +in respectable and influential professions, and many merchants of +good credit and repute, who periodically consult these women, and +are actually governed by their advice in business affairs of +great moment. + +Carriages, attended by liveried servants, not unfrequently stop +at the nearest respectable corner adjoining the abode of a +notorious Fortune-Teller, while some richly-dressed but +closely-veiled woman stealthily glides into the habitation of the +Witch. Many ladies of wealth and social position, led by +curiosity, or other motives, enter these places for the purpose +of hearing their "fortunes told." When these ladies are informed +of the true character of the houses they have thus entered, and +the real business of many of these women whose fortune-telling is +but a screen to intercept the public gaze from it, it is not +likely that any one of them will ever compromise her reputation +by another visit. + +People who do not know anything about the subject will perhaps be +surprised to hear that most of these humbug sorceresses are now, +or have been in more youthful and attractive days, women of the +town, and that several of their present dens are vile assignation +houses; and that a number of them are professed abortionists, who +do as much perhaps in the way of child-murder as others whose +names have been more prominently before the world; and they will +be astonished to learn that these chaste sibyls have an +understood partnership with the keepers of houses of +prostitution, and that the opportunities for a lucrative playing +into each other's hands are constantly occurring. + +The most terrible truth connected with this whole subject is the +fact that the greater number of these female fortune-tellers are +but doing their allotted part in a scheme by which, in this city, +the wholesale seduction of ignorant, simple-hearted girls, in +the lower walks of life, has been thoroughly systematized. + +The fortune-teller is the only one of the organization whose +operations may be known to the public; the other workers--the +masculine go-betweens who lead the victims over the space +intervening between her house and those of deeper shame--are kept +out of sight and are unheard of. There is a straight path between +these two points which is travelled every year by hundreds of +betrayed young girls, who, but for the superstitious snares of +the one, would never know the horrible realities of the other. +The exact mode of proceeding adopted by these conspirators +against virtue, the details of their plans, the various +stratagems by which their victims are snared and led on to +certain ruin, are not fit subjects for the present chapter; but +any individual who is disposed to prosecute the inquiry for +himself will find in the various police records much matter for +his serious cogitation, and may there discover the exact +direction in which to continue his investigations with the +certainty of demonstrating these facts to his perfect satisfaction. + +A few months ago, at the suggestion of the editor of one of the +leading daily newspapers of America, a series of articles was +written about the fortune-tellers of New York city, and these +articles were in due time published in that journal, and +attracted no little attention from its readers. These chapters, +with such alterations as were requisite, and with many additions, +form the bulk of this present volume. + +The work has been conscientiously done. Every one of the +fortune-tellers described herein was personally visited by the +"Individual," and the predictions were carefully noted down at +the time, word for word; the descriptions of the necromantic +ladies and their surroundings are accurate, and can be corroborated +by the hundreds who have gone over the same ground before and +since. They were treated in the most fair and frank manner; the +same data as to time and date of birth, age, nationality, etc., +were given in all cases, and the same questions were put to all, +so that the absurd differences in their statements and predictions +result from the unmitigated humbug of their pretended art, and +from no misinformation or misrepresentation on the part of the +seeker after mystic knowledge. + +This latter person was perfectly unknown to the worthy ladies of +the black art profession; he was to them simply an individual, +one of the many-headed public, a cash customer, who paid +liberally for all he required, and who, by reason of the dollars +he disbursed, was entitled to the very best witchcraft in the +market. + +And he got it. + +He undertook a few short journeys in search of the marvellous; he +went on a couple of dozen voyages of discovery without going out +of sight of home; he penetrated to the out-of-the-way regions, +where the two-and-sixpenny witches of our own time grow. He got +his fill of the cheap prophecy of the day, and procured of the +oracles in person their oracularest sayings, at the very highest +market price. For the business-like seers of this age are easily +moved to prophesy by the sight of current moneys of the land, no +matter who presents the same; whereas the oracles of the olden +time dealt only with kings and princes, and nothing less than the +affairs of an entire nation, or a whole territory, served to get +their slow prophetic apparatus into working trim. To the +necromancers of early days the anxieties of private individuals +were as naught, and from the shekels of humble life they turned +them contemptuously away. + +It is probably a thorough conviction of the necessity of eating +and drinking, and a constant contemplation from a Penitentiary +point of view of the consequences of so doing without paying +therefor, that induces our modern witches to charge a specific +sum for the exercise of their art, and to demand the inevitable +dollar in advance. + +Whatever there is of Sorcery, Astrology, Necromancy, Prophecy, +Fortune-telling, and the Black Art generally, practised at this +time by the professional Witches of New York, is here honestly +set down. + +Should any other individual become particularly interested in the +subject, and desire to go back of the present record and make his +exploration personally among the Fortune-tellers, he will find +their present addresses in the newspapers of the day, and can +easily verify what is herein written. + +With these remarks as to the intention of this book, the reader +is referred by the Cash Customer to the succeeding chapters for +further information. And the public will find in the advertisements, +appended to the name and number of each mysteriously gifted lady, +the pleasing assurance that she will be happy to see, not only +the Cash Customer of the present writing, but also any and all +other customers, equally cash, who are willing to pay the +customary cash tribute. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +Is devoted to the glorification of Madame Prewster of No. 373 +Bowery, the Pioneer Witch of New York. The "Individual" also +herein bears his testimony that she is oily and water-proof. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +MADAME PREWSTER, No. 373 BOWERY. + + +This woman is one of the most dangerous of all those in the city +who are engaged in the swindling trade of Fortune Telling, and +has been professionally known to the police and the public of New +York for about fourteen years. The amount of evil she has +accomplished in that time is incalculable, for she has been by no +means idle, nor has she confined her attention even to what +mischief she could work by the exercise of her pretended magic, +but if the authenticity of the records may be relied on, she has +borne a principal part in other illicit transactions of a much +more criminal nature. She has been engaged in the "Witch" +business in this city for more years than has any other one whose +name is now advertised to the public. + +If the history of her past life could be published, it would +astound even this community, which is not wont to be startled out +of its propriety by criminal development, for if justice were +done, Madame Prewster would be at this time serving the State in +the Penitentiary for her past misdoings; but, in some of these +affairs of hers, men of so much _respectability_ and political +influence have been implicated, that, having sure reliance on +their counsel and assistance, the Madame may be regarded as +secure from punishment, even should any of her many victims +choose to bring her into court. + +The quality of her Witchcraft, by which she ostensibly lives, and +the amount of faith to be reposed in her mystic predictions, may +be seen from the history of a visit to her domicile, which is +hereunto appended in the very words of the "Individual" who made +it. + + + The "Cash Customer" makes his first Voyage in a Shower, + but encounters an Oily and Waterproof Witch at the end + of his Journey. + +It rained, and it _meant_ to rain, and it set about it with a +will. + +It was as if some "Union Thunderstorm Company" was just then +paying its consolidated attention to the city and county of New +York; or, as if some enterprising Yankee of hydraulic tendencies, +had contracted for a second deluge and was hurrying up the job to +get his money; or, as if the clouds were working by the job; or, +as if the earth was receiving its rations of rain for the year in +a solid lump; or, as if the world had made a half-turn, leaving +in the clouds the ocean and rivers, and those auxiliaries to +navigation were scampering back to their beds as fast as +possible; or, as if there had been a scrub-race to the earth +between a score or more full-grown rain storms, and they were all +coming in together, neck-and-neck, at full speed. + +Despite the juiciness of these opening sentences, the +"Individual" does not propose to accompany the account of his +heroical setting-forth on his first witch-journey with any +inventory of natural scenery and phenomena, or with any +interesting remarks on the wind and weather. Those who have a +taste for that sort of thing will find in a modern circulating +library, elaborate accounts of enough "dew-spangled grass" to +make hay for an army of Nebuchadnezzars and a hundred troops of +horse--of "bright-eyed daisies" and "modest violets," enough to +fence all creation with a parti-colored hedge--of "early larks" +and "sweet-singing nightingales," enough to make musical pot-pies +and harmonious stews for twenty generations of Heliogabaluses; to +say nothing of the amount of twaddle we find in American +sensation books about "hawthorn hedges" and "heather bells," and +similar transatlantic luxuries that don't grow in America, and +never did. + +And then the sunrises we're treated to, and the sunsets we're +crammed with, and the "golden clouds," the "grand old woods," +the "distant dim blue mountains," the "crystal lakes," the +"limpid purling brooks," the "green-carpeted meadows," and the +whole similar lot of affected bosh, is enough to shake the faith +of a practical man in nature as a natural institution, and to +make him vote her an artificial humbug. + +So the voyager in pursuit of the marvellous, declines to state +how high the thermometer rose or fell in the sun or in the shade, +or whether the wind was east-by-north, or sou'-sou'-west by a +little sou'. + +The "dew on the grass" was not shining, for there was in his +vicinity no dew and no grass, nor anything resembling those rural +luxuries. Nor was it by any means at "early dawn;" on the +contrary, if there be such a commodity in a city as "dawn," +either early or late, that article had been all disposed of +several hours in advance of the period at which this chapter +begins. + +But at midday he set forth alone to visit that prophetess of +renown, Madame Prewster. He was fully prepared to encounter +whatever of the diabolical machinery of the black art might be +put in operation to appal his unaccustomed soul. + +But as he set forth from the respectable domicile where he takes +his nightly roost, it rained, as aforementioned. The driving +drops had nearly drowned the sunshine, and through the sickly +light that still survived, everything looked dim and spectral. +Unearthly cars, drawn by ghostly horses, glided swiftly through +the mist, the intangible apparitions which occupied the drivers' +usual stands hailing passengers with hollow voices, and +proffering, with impish finger and goblin wink, silent +invitations to ride. Fantastic dogs sneaked out of sight round +distant corners, or skulked miserably under phantom carts for an +imaginary shelter. The rain enveloped everything with a grey +veil, making all look unsubstantial and unreal; the human +unfortunates who were out in the storm appeared cloudy and +unsolid, as if each man had sent his shadow out to do his work +and kept his substance safe at home. + +The "Individual" travelled on foot, disdaining the miserable +compromise of an hour's stew in a steaming car, or a prolonged +shower-bath in a leaky omnibus. Being of burly figure and +determined spirit, he walked, knowing that his "too-solid flesh" +would not be likely "to melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a +dew," and firmly believing that he was not born to be drowned. + +He carried no umbrella, preferring to stand up and fight it out +with the storm face to face, and because he detested a contemptible +sneaking subterfuge of an umbrella, pretending to keep him dry, +and all the time surreptitiously leaking small streams down the +back of his neck, and filling his pockets with indigo colored +puddles; and because, also, an umbrella would no more have +protected a man against that storm, than a gun-cotton overcoat +would have availed against the storm of fire that scorched old +Sodom. + +He placed his trust in a huge pair of water-proof boots, and a +felt hat that shed water like a duck. He thrust his arms up to +his elbows into the capacious pockets of his coat, drew his head +down into the turned-up collar of that said garment, like a +boy-bothered mud-turtle, and marched on. + +With bowed head, set teeth, and sturdy step, the cash customer +tramped along, astonishing the few pedestrians in the street by +the energy and emphasis of his remarks in cases of collision, and +attracting people to the windows to look at him as he splashed +his way up the street. He minded them no more than he did the +gentleman in the moon, but drove forward at his best speed, now +breaking his shins over a dry-goods box, then knocking his head +against a lamp-post; now getting a great punch in the stomach +from an unexpected umbrella, then involuntarily gauging the depth +of some unseen puddle, and then getting out of soundings +altogether in a muddy inland sea; now swept almost off his feet +by a sudden torrent of sufficient power to run a saw-mill, and +only recovering himself to find that he was wrecked on the +curbstone of some side street that he didn't want to go to. At +length, after a host of mishaps, including some interesting but +unpleasant submarine explorations in an unusually large mud-hole +into which he fell full-length, he arrived, soaked and savage, at +the house of Madame Prewster. + +This elderly and interesting lady has long been an oily pilgrim +in this vale of tears. The oldest inhabitant cannot remember the +exact period when this truly great prophetess became a fixture in +Gotham, and began to earn her bread and butter by fortune-telling +and kindred occupations. Her unctuous countenance and pinguid +form are known to hundreds on whose visiting lists her name does +not conspicuously appear, and to whom, in the way of business, +she has made revelations which would astonish the unsuspecting +and unbelieving world. She is neither exclusive nor select in her +visitors. Whoever is willing to pay the price, in good money--a +point on which her regulations are stringent--may have the benefit +of her skill, as may be seen by her advertisement: + + "CARD.--Madame PREWSTER returns thanks to her friends + and patrons, and begs to say that, after the + thousands, both in this city and Philadelphia, who have + consulted her with entire satisfaction, she feels + confident that in the questions of astrology, love, and + law matters, and books or oracles, as relied on + constantly by Napoleon, she has no equal. She will tell + the name of the future husband, and also the name of + her visitors. No. 373 Bowery, between Fourth and Fifth + streets." + +The undaunted seeker after mystic lore rang a peal on the +astonished door-bell that created an instantaneous confusion of +the startled inmates. There was a good deal of hustling about, +and running hither, thither, and to the other place, before any +one appeared; meantime, the dainty fingers of the damp customer +performed other little solos on the daubed and sticky bell-pull,--and +he also amused himself with inspection of, and comments on, the +German-silver plate on the narrow panel, which bore the name of +the illustrious female who occupied these domains. + +At last the door was opened by a greasy girl, and the visitor was +admitted to the hall, where he stood for a minute, like a +fresh-water merman, "all dripping from the recent flood." + +The juvenile female who had admitted him thus far, evidently took +him for a disreputable character, and stood prepared to prevent +depredations. She planted herself firmly before him in the narrow +hall in an attitude of self-defence, and squaring off scientifically, +demanded his business. Astrology was mentioned, whereupon the +threatening fists were lowered, the saucy under-jaw was +retracted, and the general air of pugnacity was subdued into a +very suspicious demeanor, as if she thought he hadn't any money, +and wanted to storm the castle under false pretences. She +informed him that before matters went any further, he must buy +tickets, which she was prepared to furnish, on receipt of a +dollar and a half; he paid the money, which transaction seemed to +raise him in her estimation to the level of a man who might +safely be trusted where there was nothing he could steal. One +fist she still kept loaded, ready to instantly repel any attack +which might be suddenly made by her designing enemy, the other +hand cautiously departed petticoatward, and after groping about +some time in a concealed pocket, produced from the mysterious +depth a card, too dirty for description, on which these words +were dimly visible: + + +----------------------------+ + | c N | + | e o | + | 5 n MADAME PREWSTER . | + | 0 t 411 GRAND STREET. | + | s 1 | + +----------------------------+ + +The belligerent girl then led the way through a narrow hall, up +two flights of stairs into a cold room, where she desired her +visitor to be seated. She then carefully locked one or two doors +leading into adjoining rooms, put the keys in her pocket, and +departed. Before her exit she made a sly demonstration with her +fists and feet, as if she was disposed to break the truce, +commence hostilities, and punch his unprotected head, without +regard to the laws of honorable warfare. She departed, however, +at last, without violence, though the voyager could hear her +pause on each landing, probably debating whether it wasn't best +after all to go back and thrash him before the opportunity was +lost for ever. + +This grand reception-room was an apartment about six feet by +eight; it was uncarpeted, and was luxuriously furnished with six +wooden chairs, one stove, with no spark of fire, one feeble +table, one spittoon, and two coal-scuttles. + +The view from the window was picturesque to a degree, being made +up of cats, clothes-lines, chimneys, and crockery, and occasionally, +when the storm lifted, a low roof near by suggested stables. The +odor which filled the air had at least the merit of being +powerful, and those to whose noses it was grateful, could not +complain that they did not get enough of it. Description must +necessarily fall far short of the reality, but if the reader will +endeavor to imagine a couple of oil-mills, a Peck-slip ferry-boat, +a soap-and-candle manufactory, and three or four bone-boiling +establishments being simmered together over a slow fire in his +immediate vicinity, he may possibly arrive at a faint and distant +notion of the greasy fragrance in which the abode of Madame +Prewster is immersed. + +For an hour and a half by the watch of the Cash Customer (which +being a cheap article, and being alike insensible to the voice of +reason and the persuasions of the watchmaker, would take its own +time to do its work, and the long hands of which generally +succeeded in getting once round the dial in about eighty minutes) +was this too damp individual incarcerated in the room by the +order of the implacable Madame Prewster. + +He would long before the end of that time have forfeited his +dollar and a half and beaten an inglorious retreat, but that he +feared an ambuscade and a pitching-into at the fair hands of the +warlike servant. + +Finally, this last-named individual came to the rescue, and +conducted him by a circuitous route, and with half-suppressed +demonstrations of animosity, to the basement. This room was +evidently the kitchen, and was fitted up with the customary iron +and brazen apparatus. + +A feeble child, just old enough to run alone, had constructed a +child's paradise in the lee of the cooking-stove, and was seated +on a dinner-pot, with one foot in a saucepan; it had been playing +on the wash-boiler like a drum, but was now engaged in decorating +some loaves of unbaked bread with bits of charcoal and splinters +from the broom. + +The fighting servant retreated to the far end of the apartment, +where she began to wash dishes with vindictive earnestness, +stopping at short intervals to wave her dish-cloth savagely as a +challenge to instant single combat. There was nothing visible +that savored of astrology or magic, unless some tin candlesticks +with battered rims could be cabalistically construed. + +Madame Prewster, the renowned, sat majestically in a Windsor +rocking-chair, extra size, with a large pillow comfortably tucked +in behind her illustrious and rheumatic back. Her prophetic feet +rested on a wooden stool; her oracular neck was bound with a +bright-colored shawl; her necromantic locomotive apparatus was +incased in a great number of predictive petticoats, and her +whole aspect was portentous. She is a woman who may be of any age +from 45 to 120, for her face is so oily that wrinkles won't stay +in it; they slip out and leave no trace. She is an unctuous +woman, with plenty of material in her--enough, in fact, for two or +three. She is adipose to a degree that makes her circumference +problematical, and her weight a mere matter of conjecture. +Moreover, one instantly feels that she is thoroughly water-proof, +and is certain that if she could be induced to shed tears, she +would weep lard oil. + +Grim, grizzled, and stony-eyed, is this juicy old Sibyl; and she +glared fearfully on the hero with her fishy optics, until he +wished he hadn't done anything. + +She was evidently just out of bed, although it was long past +noon, and when she yawned, which she did seven times a minute on +a low average, the effect was gloomy and cavernous, and the timid +delegate in search of the mysterious trembled in his boots. + +At last, he with uncovered head and timid demeanor presented his +card entitling him to twelve shillings' worth of witchcraft, and +made an humble request to have it honored. He had previously, +while pretending to warm himself at the stove, been occupied in +making horrible grimaces at the baby, and then sketching it in +his hat as it disfigured its own face by frantic screams; and he +also took a quiet revenge on the pugnacious servant by making a +picture of her in a fighting attitude, with one eye bunged and +her jaw knocked round to her left ear. + +When the ponderous Witch had got all ready for business, and had +taken a very long greasy stare at her customer, as if she was +making up her mind what sort of a customer on the whole he might +be, she determined to begin her mighty magic. So she took up the +cards, which were almost as greasy as she herself, and prepared +for business, previously giving one most tremendous yawn, which +opened her sacred jaws so wide that only a very narrow isthmus of +hair behind her ears connected the top of her respected head with +the back of her venerated neck. + +She then presented the cards for her customer to cut, and when he +had accomplished that feat, which he did in some perturbation, +she ran them carelessly over between her fingers, and began to +speak very slowly, and without much thought of what she was +about, as if it was a lesson she had learned by heart. + +Each word slipped smoothly out from her fat lips as if it had +been anointed with some patent lubricator, and her speech was as +follows:-- + +"You have seen much trouble, some of it in business, and some of +it in love, but there are brighter days in store for you before +long--you face up a letter--you face up love--you face up +marriage--you face up a light-haired woman, with dark eyes, you +think a great deal of her, and she thinks a great deal of you; +but then she faces up a dark complexioned man, which is bad for +you--you must take care and look out for him, for he is trying to +injure you--she likes you the best, but you must look out for the +man--you face up better luck in business, you face a change in +your business, but be careful, or it will not bring you much +money--you do not face up a great deal of money." + +(Here followed a huge yawn which again nearly left the top of her +head an island.) Then she resumed, "If you will tell me the +number of letters in the lady's name, I will tell you what her +name is." + +This demand was unexpected, but her cool and collected customer +replied at random, "Four." The she-Falstaff then referred to a +book wherein was written a long list of names, of varying lengths +from one syllable to six, and selecting the names with four +letters, began to ask. + +"Is it Emma?" "No." "Anna?" "No." "Ella?" "No?" "Jane?" "No." +"Etta?" "No." "Lucy?" "No." "Cora?" "No." At last, finding that +she would run through all the four-letter names in the language, +and that he must eventually say something, he agreed to let his +"true love's" name be Mary. Then she continued her remarks: "You +face up Mary, you love Mary; Mary is a good girl. You will marry +Mary at last; but Mary is not now here--Mary is far away; but do +not fear, for you shall have Mary." + +Then she proposed to tell the name of our reporter in the same +mysterious manner, and on being told that it contains eight +letters, the first of which is "M," she turned to her register +and again began to read. It so happens that the proper names +answering to the description are very few, and the right one did +not happen to be on her list; so in a short time the greasy +prophetess became confused, and slipped off the track entirely, +and after asking about two hundred names of various dimensions, +from Mark to Melchisedek, she gave it up in despair and glared on +her twelve-shilling patron as if she thought he was trifling with +her, and she would like to eat him up alive for his presumption. + +Then she suddenly changed her mode of operation and made the +fearful remark: "Now you may wish three wishes, and I will tell +whether you will get them or not." + +She then laid out the cards into three piles, and her visitor +stated his wishes aloud, and received the gratifying information +in three instalments, that he would live to be rich, to marry the +light-haired maiden, and to effectually smash the dark-complexioned man. + +Then she said: "You may now wish one wish in secret, and I will +tell you whether you will get it." Our avaricious hero instantly +wished for an enormous amount of ready money, which she kindly +promised, but which he has not yet seen the color of. + +He asked about his prospective wives and children, with +unsatisfactory results. One wife and four children was, she said, +the outside limit. At this juncture she began to wriggle uneasily +in her chair, and her considerate patron respected her "rheumatics" +and took his leave. This conference, although the results may be +read by a glib-tongued person in five minutes, occupied more than +three-quarters of an hour--Madame Prewster's diction being slow +and ponderous in proportion to her size. + +He now prepared to depart, and with a parting contortion of his +countenance, of terrible malignity, at the unfortunate baby, +which caused that weird brat to fling itself flat on its back and +scream in agony of fear, he informed the Madame with mock +deference that he would not wait any longer. He was then attended +to the door by the bellicose maiden, who seemed to have fathomed +his deep dealings with the infuriate infant, and to be desirous +of giving him bloody battle in the hall, but as he had remarked +that she had a rolling-pin hidden under her apron, and as he was +somewhat awed by the sanguinary look of her dish-cloth, he choked +down his blood-thirstiness and ingloriously retreated. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +Wherein are related divers strange things of Madame Bruce, the +"Mysterious Veiled Lady," of No. 513 Broome Street. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +MADAME BRUCE, "THE MYSTERIOUS VEILED LADY," No. 513 BROOME +STREET. + + +The woman who assumes the title of "The Mysterious Veiled Lady," +is much younger in the Black Art trade than Madame Prewster, and +has only been publicly known as a "Fortune-Teller" for about six +years. The mysterious veil is assumed partly for the very +mystery's sake, and partly to hide a countenance which some of +her visitors might desire to identify on after occasions. She +confines herself more exclusively to telling fortunes than do +many of the others, and has never yet made her appearance in a +Police Court to answer to an accusation of a grave crime. She has +many customers, and might have a respectable account at the bank +if she were disposed to commit her moneys to the care of those +careful institutions. + +It may be mentioned here, however, as a curious fact, that +although all the "witches" profess to be able to "tell lucky +numbers," and will at any time give a paying customer the exact +figures which they are willing to prophesy will draw the capital +prize in any given lottery, their skill invariably fails them +when they undertake to do anything in the wheel-of-fortune way on +their own individual behalf. No one of the professional +fortune-tellers was ever known to draw a rich prize in a lottery, +or to make a particularly lucky "hit" on a policy number, +notwithstanding the fact that most of them make large investments +in those uncertain financial speculations. Madame Bruce is no +exception to this general rule, and the propinquity of the +"lottery agency" and the "policy-shop," just round the corner, +must be accepted in explanation of the fact that this gifted lady +has no balance in her favor at the banker's. + +The quality of her magic and other interesting facts about her +are best set forth in the words of the anxious seeker after +hidden lore, who paid her a visit one pleasant afternoon in +August. + + + The "Individual" visits Madame Bruce and has a + Conference with that Mysterious Veiled Personage. + +A man of strong nerves can recover from the effects of a +professional interview with the ponderous Prewster in about a +week; delicately organized persons, particularly susceptible to +supernatural influences, might be so overpowered by the +manifestations of her cabalistic lore as to affect their +appetites for a whole lunar month, and have bad dreams till the +moon changed; but the daring traveller of this veracious history +was convalescent in ten days. It is true, that, even after that +time, he, in his dreams, would imagine himself engaged in +protracted single combats with the heroine of the rolling-pin, +and once or twice awoke in an agony of fear, under the impression +that he had been worsted in the fight, and that the conquering +fair one was about to cook him in a steamer, or stew him into +charity soup, and season him strong with red pepper; or broil him +on a gridiron and serve him up on toast to Madame Prewster, like +a huge woodcock. In one gastronomic nightmare of a dream he even +fancied that the triumphant maiden had tied him, hand and foot, +with links of sausages, then tapped his head with an auger, +screwed a brass faucet into his helpless skull, and was preparing +to draw off his brains in small quantities to suit cannibalic +retail customers. + +But he eventually recovered his equanimity, his nocturnal visions +of the warlike servant became less terrible, and he gradually +ceased to think of her, except with a dim sort of half-way +remembrance, as of some fearful danger, from which many years +before he had been miraculously preserved. + +When he had reached this state of mind, he was ready to proceed +with his inquiries into the mysteries of the cheap and nasty +necromancy of the day, and to encounter the rest of the +fifty-cent Sybils with an unperturbed spirit. Accordingly, he +girded up his loins, and prepared the necessary amount of one +dollar bills; for, with a most politic and necessary carefulness, +he always made his own change. + +[Note of caution to the future observer of these Modern Witches: +Never let one of them "break" a large bank-bill for you, and give +you small notes in exchange, lest the small bills be much more +badly broken than the large one. Not that the witches' money, +like the fairies' gold, will be likely to turn into chips and +pebbles in your pocket, but all these fortune-tellers are expert +passers of counterfeit and broken bank-notes and bogus coin; and +they never lose an opportunity thus to victimize a customer.] + +Fortified with dinner, dessert, and cigars, the cash customer +departed on his voyage of discovery in search of "MADAME BRUCE, +THE MYSTERIOUS VEILED LADY," who carries on all the business she +can get by the subjoined advertisement: + + "ASTONISHING TO ALL.-Madame BRUCE, the Mysterious + Veiled Lady, can be consulted on all events of life, at + No. 513 Broome st., one door from Thompson. She is a + second-sight seer, and was born with a natural gift." + +The "Individual," modestly speaking of himself in the third +person, admits that, being then a single man of some respectability, +he was at that very period looking out for a profitable partner +of his bosom, sorrows, joys, and expenses. He naturally preferred +one who could do something towards taking a share of the +expensive responsibility of a family off his hands, and was not +disposed to object to one who was even afflicted with money;--next +to that woman, whom he had not yet discovered, a lady with a +"natural gift" for money-making was evidently the most eligible +of matrimonial speculations. Whether he really cherished an +humble hope that the veil of Madame Bruce might be of semi-transparent +stuff, and that she might discover and be smitten by his manly +charms, and ask his hand in marriage, and eventually bear him +away, a blushing husband, to the altar, or whatever might be +hastily substituted for that connubial convenience, will never be +officially known to the world. Certain it is that he expected +great results of some sort to eventuate from his visit to this +obnubilated prophetess, and that he paid extraordinary attention +to the decoration of the external homo, and to the administration +of encouraging stimuli to the inner individual, probably with a +view to submerge, for the time, his characteristic bashfulness, +before he set out to visit the fair inscrutable of Broome-street. + +The nature of his secret cogitations, as he walked along, was +somewhat as follows, though he himself has never before revealed +the same to mortal man. + +He was of course uncertain as to her personal attractiveness; +owing to that mysterious veil there was a doubt as to her +surpassing beauty. At any rate he did not regret the time spent +on his toilet. + +Madame Bruce might be a lady of the most transcendent loveliness, +or she might possess a countenance after the style of Mokanna, +the Veiled Prophet; in either case, a clean shirt collar and a +little extra polish on the boots would be a touching tribute of +respect. He thought over the stories of the Oriental ladies, so +charmingly and complexly described in the "Arabian Nights' +Entertainments," and in some strange way he connected Madame +Bruce with Eastern associations; he remembered that in Asiatic +countries the arts of enchantment are the staple of fashionable +female education; that the women imbibe the elements of magic +from their wet nurses, and that their power of charming is +gradually and surely developed by years and competent instructors, +until they are able to go forth into the world, and raise the +devil on their own hook. + +In this case the veil was of the East, Eastern; and what was more +probable than that the "Mysterious Veiled Lady" was that +fascinating Oriental young woman whose attainments in magic made +her the dire terror of her enemies, most of whom she changed into +pigs, and oxen, and monkeys, and other useful domestic animals; +who had transformed her unruly grandfather into a cat of the +species called Tom; had metamorphosed her vicious aunt into a +screech-owl, and had turned an ungentlemanly second-cousin into a +one-eyed donkey. + +What a treasure, thought the "Individual," would such an +accomplished wife be in republican America,--how exceedingly +useful in the case of her husband's rivals for Custom-house +honors, and how invaluable when creditors become clamorous. What +a perfect treasure would a wife be who could turn a clamorous +butcher into spring lamb, and his brown apron and leather +breeches into the indispensable peas and mint-sauce to eat him +with; who could make the rascally baker instantly become a green +parrot with only power to say, "Pretty Polly wants a cracker;" +who could transform the dunning tailor into a greater goose than +any in his own shop; who could go to Stewart's, buy a couple of +thousands of dollars' worth of goods, and then turn the clerks +into cockroaches, and scrunch them with her little gaiter if they +interfered with her walking off with the plunder; or who, in the +event of a scarcity of money, could invite a select party of +fifty or sixty friends to a nice little dinner, and then change +the whole lot into lions, tigers, giraffes, elephants, and +ostriches, and sell the entire batch to Van Amburgh & Co. at a +high premium, as a freshly imported menagerie, all very fat and +valuable. + +Then he came down from this rather elevated flight of fancy, and +filled away on another tack. Before he reached the house he had +fully made up his mind that Madame Bruce, the Mysterious Veiled +Lady, must be a stray Oriental Princess in reduced circumstances, +cruelly thrust from the paternal mansion by the infuriated +proprietor, her father, and compelled to seek her fortune in a +strange land. He had never seen a princess, and he resolved to +treat this one with all respect and loyal veneration; to do this, +if possible, without compromising his conscience as a republican +and a voter in the tenth ward,--but to do it at all hazards. + +The immense fortune which would undoubtedly be hers in the event +of the relenting of her brutal though opulent father, suggested +the feasibility of a future elopement, and a legal marriage, +according to the forms of any country that she preferred--he +couldn't bethink him of a Persian justice of the peace, but he +did not despair of being able to manage it to her entire and +perfect satisfaction. + +Her undoubted great misfortunes had touched his tender heart. He +would see this suffering Princess--he would tender his sympathy +and offer his hand and the fortune he hoped she would be able to +make for him. If this was haughtily declined there would still +remain the poor privilege of buying a dose of magic, paying the +price in current money, and letting her make her own change. + +Having matured this disinterested resolve, he proceeded calmly on +his journey, wondering as he walked along, whether, in the event +of a gracious reception by his Princess, it would be more courtly +and correct to kneel on both knees, or to make an Oriental +cushion of his overcoat and sit down cross-legged on the floor. + +This knotty point was not settled to his entire satisfaction when +he reached that lovely portion of fairy-land near the angle of +Broome and Thompson streets. The Princess had taken up her +temporary residence in the tenant-house No. 513 Broome, which, +elegant mansion affords a refuge to about seventeen other +families, mostly Hibernian, without very high pretensions to +aristocracy. + +His ring at the door of the noble mansion was answered by a +grizzly woman speaking French very badly broken, in fact +irreparably fractured. This grizzly Gaul let him into the house, +heard his request to see Madame Bruce, and then she called to a +shock-headed boy who was looking over the bannisters, to come and +take the visitor in charge. + +Two minutes' observation convinced the distinguished caller that +the servants of the Princess were not particular in the matter of +dirt. + +The walls were stained, discolored, and bedaubed, and the floor +had a sufficient thickness of soil for a vegetable garden; at one +end of the hall, indeed, an Irish woman was on her knees, making +experimental excavations, possibly with a view to planting early +lettuce and peppergrass. + +A glance at the shock-headed boy showed a peculiarity in his +visual organs; his eyes, which were black naturally, had +evidently suffered in some kind of a fisticuff demonstration, and +one of them still showed the marks; it was twice black, naturally +and artificially; it had a dual nigritude, and might, perhaps, be +called a double-barrelled black eye. This pleasant young man +conducted his visitor to the top of the first flight of stairs, +where he said, "Please stop here a minute," and disappeared into +the Princess's room, leaving her devoted slave alone in the hall +with two aged washtubs and a battered broom. There ensued an +immediate flurry in the rooms of the Princess, and the customer +thought of the forty black slaves, with jars of jewels on their +heads, who, in Oriental countries, are in the habit of receiving +princesses' visitors with all the honors. He hardly thought to +see the forty black slaves, with the jars of gems, but rather +expected the shock-headed youth to presently reappear, with a mug +of rubies, or a kettle of sapphires and emeralds, and invite him +in courtly language to help himself to a few--or, that that active +young man would presently come out with an amethyst snuff-box +full of diamond-dust and ask him to take a pinch, and then +present him with that expensive article as a slight token of +respect from the Princess. + +"Not so, not so, my child." + +The great shuffling and pitching about of things continued, as if +the furniture had been indulging in an extemporaneous jig, and +couldn't stop on so short a notice, or else objected to any +interruption of the festivities. + +Finally the rattling of chairs and tables subsided into a calm, +and the boy reappeared. He came, however, without the tea-kettle +full of valuables, and minus even the snuff-box; he merely +remarked, with an insinuating wink of the lightest-colored eye, +"Please to walk this way." + +It _did_ please his auditor to walk in the designated direction, +and he entered the room, when the eye spoke again to a very low +accompaniment of the voice, as if he was afraid he might damage +that organ by playing on it too loudly. + +The anxious visitor looked for the Princess, but not seeing her, +or the slaves with the pots of jewels, and observing, also, that +the chairs were not too luxuriously gorgeous for people to sit +on, he sat down. + +A single glance convinced him that the Princess could have had no +opportunity to carry off her jewels from her eastern home, or +that she must have spent the proceeds before she furnished her +present domicile. An iron bedstead, a small cooking-stove, four +chairs, and a table, on which the breakfast crockery stood +unwashed, was the amount of the furniture. A dirty slatternly +young woman of about twenty-three years, with filthy hands and +uncombed hair, and whose clothes looked as if they had been +tossed on with a pitchfork, seated herself in one of the chairs +and commenced conversation--not in Persian. It was one o'clock, +P.M., but she attempted an apology for the unmade bed, the +unswept room, the unwashed breakfast dishes, and the untidy +appearance of everything. Before she had concluded her fruitless +explanation, the boy with the variegated eye suddenly came from +a closet which the customer had not noticed and was unprepared +for, and said, in winning tones, "Please to walk in this room," +which was done, with some fear and no little trembling, whereupon +the optical youth incontinently vanished. + +At last, then, the imaginative visitor stood in the presence of +royalty, and beheld the wronged Princess of his heart. He was +about to drop on his bended knees to pay his premeditated homage, +but a hurried glance at the floor showed that such a course of +proceeding would result in the ineffaceable soiling of his best +pantaloons; so he stood sturdily erect. + +Before he suffered his eyes to rest upon the peerless beauty who, +he was convinced, stood before him, he took a survey of the regal +apartment. + +An unpainted pine table stood in the corner, a gaudily colored +shade was at the window, and an iron single bedstead upon which +the clothes had been hastily "spread up," and two chairs, on one +of which sat the enchantress, completed the list. + +The Princess was attired in deep black, and a thick black veil, +reaching from her head to her waist, entirely concealed her +features from the beholders who still devoutly believed in her +royal birth and cruel misfortunes--nor was this belief dissipated +until she spoke; but when she called "Pete" to the double-barrelled +youth with the eye, and gave him a "blowing up" in the most +emphatic kind of English for not bringing her pocket-handkerchief, +then the beautiful Princess of his imagination vanished into the +thinnest kind of air, and there remained only the unromantic +reality of a very vulgar woman, in a very dirty dress, and who +had a very bad cold in her head. There was still a hope that she +might be pretty, and her would-be admirer fervently trusted that +she might be compelled to lift her veil to blow her nose, but she +didn't do it. Then he offered her his hand, not in marriage, but +for her to read his fortune in, and stood, no longer trembling +with expectation, but with stony indifference, for as he +approached her, a strong odor of an onion-laden breath from +beneath the veil, gave the death-blow to the fair creature of his +imagination, and convinced him that he had got the wrong ---- +Princess by the fist. She looked at him closely for a couple of +minutes, and then spoke these words--the peculiar pronunciation +being probably induced by the cold in her head. + +"You are a badd who has saw a great beddy chadges add it seebs +here as if you was goidg to be bore settled in the future--it +seebs here like as if you had sobetibes in your life beed very +buch cast dowd, but it seebs here like as if you had always got +up agaid.--It seebs here like as if you had saw id your past life +sobe lady what you liked very buch add had beed disappointed--it +seebs here like as if there was two barriages for you, wud id a +very short tibe--wud lady seebs here to stadd very dear to you, +add you two bay be barried or you bay dot--if you are dot already +barried you will be very sood--it seebs here as if you woulddt +have a very large fabily--five childred will be all that you will +have--you will have a good deal of buddy (money) id your life--sobe +of your relatives what you dever have saw will sood die add leave +you sobe property--but you will dot be expectidg it add it seebs +here as if you would have trouble id getting it, for there will +sobe wud else try to get it away frob you--it seebs as if the lady +you will barry will dot be too dark cobplexiod, dor yet too +light--dot too tall, dor yet very short, dot too large, dor too +thid--she thidks a great deal of you, bore thad you do of her,--you +have already saw her id the course of your life, and she loves +you very buch. There are people about you id your busidess who +are dot so buch your friends as they preted to be--you are goidg +to bake sub chadge id your busidess, it will be a good thidg for +you add will cub out buch better thad you expect." + +Here she stopped and intimated that she would answer any +questions that her customer desired to ask, and in reply to his +interrogatories the following important information was elicited: + +"You will be lodg lived, add you will have two wives, add will +live beddy years with your first wife." + +The "Individual" proclaimed himself satisfied, and paid his +money, whereupon Madame Bruce instantly yelled "Pete," when the +Eye-Boy reappeared to show the door, and the Cash Customer +departed, leaving the Mysterious Veiled Lady shivering on her +stool, and exceedingly desirous of an opportunity to use her +pocket-handkerchief. + +And this is all there was of the Persian Princess. As the seeker +after wisdom went away he made one single audible remark by way +of consoling himself for his crushed hopes and blighted anonymous +love. It was to this effect. "I believe she squints, and I _know_ +she's got bad teeth." + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +Relates the marvellous performances of Madame Widger, of No. 3, +First Avenue, and how she looks into the future through a +Paving-Stone. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +MADAME WIDGER, No. 3 FIRST AVENUE. + + +Madame Widger came from Albany to this city about four years ago, +and at once set up as an "Astrologer." She has been a "witch" for +a great many years, and has, directly and indirectly, done about +as much mischief as it is possible for one person to accomplish +in the same length of time. She was a woman of great repute in +and about Albany, as a fortune-teller, and was supposed to be +conversant with practices more criminal. She at last became so +well known as a bad woman, that she found it advisable to leave +Albany, after she had settled certain lawsuits in which she had +become entangled. + +Among other speculations of hers, in that place, she once sued +the city to recover indemnifying moneys for certain imaginary +damages, alleged to have been done to her property by the +unbidden entrance of the river into her private apartments, +during one of the periodical inundations with which Albany is +favored. By the shrewd management of certain of her lawyer +friends with whom she had business dealings, she at last got a +judgment against the city, but, owing to some other awkward law +complications, it became expedient to change her place of +residence before she had collected her money, and the amount +remains unpaid to this day. + +She then came to this city, and set up in the Sorceress way, and, +by dint of advertising, she soon got a good many customers. She +now has as much to do as she can easily manage to get along with, +is making a good deal of money by "Astrology," and by other more +unscrupulous means; and she is probably worth some considerable +property. She is a bold, brazen, ignorant, unscrupulous, +dangerous woman. She has some peculiar ways of her own in telling +the fortunes of her visitors, and is the only person in the city +who professes to read the future through a magic stone, or +"second-sight pebble." Her manner of using this wonderful +geological specimen is fully described hereafter. + + + The "Individual" Visits a Grim Witch, who reads his + Future through a Moderate-Sized Paving-Stone. + +Disappointed in his fond hope of discovering, in the person of +Madame Bruce, an eligible partner, who should bridal him and lead +him coyly to the altar, that bourne from which no bachelor +returns, the Cash Customer was for many days downcast in his +demeanor and neglectful of his person. When he eventually +recovered from his strong attack of Madame Bruce, he was not by +any means cured of his romantic desire to procure a witch wife. +He had carefully figured up the conveniences of such an article, +and the sum total was an irresistible argument. + +If he could win a witch of the right sort, perhaps she could +teach him the secret of the Philosopher's Stone, and the Elixir +of Life, and show him the locality of the Fountain of Youth, so +that he could take the wrinkles out of himself and his friends, +at the cost of only a short journey by rail-road. A barrel or so +of that wonderful water, peddled out by the bottle, would meet a +readier sale and pay a larger profit than any Paphian Lotion that +was ever advertised on the rocks of Jersey. All this, to say +nothing of a family of young wizards and sorcerers, who could, by +virtue of the maternal magic, swallow swords from the day of +their birth, do mighty feats of legerdemain, such as cutting off +the heads of innumerable pigs and chickens, and producing the +decapitated animals alive again from the coat-tails of the +bystanders, to the astonishment of the crowd and the great +emolument of their proud dad. Even if these profitable babies +should not be natural necromancers, with the power of second +sight, and any quantity of "natural gifts," they must surely be +spirit-rappers of the most lucrative "sphere," capable of +organizing "circles," and instructing "mediums," and otherwise +bringing into the family fund large piles of that circulating +medium so much to be desired. Or, even failing this popular +gift, they _must_ all be born with some strong instincts of +money-making vagabondism. If the girls failed in fortune-telling +they would certainly have a genius for the tight-rope, or a +decided talent for the female circus and negro-minstrel business; +and the boys would be brought into the world with the power of +throwing a miraculous number of consecutive flip-flaps--of putting +cocked hats on their juvenile heads while turning somersets over +long rows of Arab steeds of the desert--of poising their infant +bodies on pyramids of bottles, and drinking glasses of molasses +and water, under the contemptible subterfuge of wine, to the +health of the terror-stricken beholders--or of climbing to the +tops of very tall poles without soiling their spangled dresses, +and there displaying their anatomy for the admiration of the +gazing multitude, in divers attitudes, for the most part +extraordinarily wrong side up with very particular care--or, at +least, they would be born with the astounding gift of tying their +young legs in double bow-knots across the backs of their +adolescent necks, and while in that graceful position kissing +their little fingers to the bewildered audience. + +Under the constant influence of such comfortable and ennobling +thoughts, it is not in the elastic nature of the human mind to +remain long dejected. In the contemplation of the future glories +of his might-be wife and possible family, the "Individual" +recovered somewhat of his former gaiety. Remembering that "Care +killed a cat," he resolved that he would not be chronicled as a +second victim, so he kicked Care out of doors, so to speak, and +warned Despair and Discouragement off the premises. + +He attired him in his best, and appeared once more before the +world in the joyful garb of a man with Hope in his heart and +money in his pantaloons. In fact, so radiant did he appear, that +he might have been set down for a person who had just had a new +main of joy laid on in his heart, and had turned the cocks of all +the pipes, and let on the full head just to see how the new +apparatus worked. Or, as if he'd been in a shower-bath of +good-nature, and come out dripping. + +He also took kindly to that innocuous beverage, lager bier, which +was a good sign in itself, inasmuch as he had, for a few days, +been drinking as many varieties of strong drinks, as if he'd been +brought up on Professor Anderson's Inexhaustible Bottle, and had +never overcome the influences of his infant education. + +Seeking out a friend to whom he confided his hopes of a lucrative +wife and a profitable progeny, the Cash Customer suggested that +they proceed immediately in search of the fair enchantress who +was to be his comfort and consolation, for the rest of his +respectable life. + +Being somewhat disgusted with the result of his visit to the +witch with the romantic designation of the "Mysterious Veiled +Lady," he had determined to seek out one on this occasion with +the most common-place and every-day cognomen, in the whole list. +There being a Madame Widger in that delightful catalogue, of +course Widger was the one selected. It is true, she sometimes +advertised herself as the "Mysterious Spanish Lady," but in the +judgment of the Individual, the Widger was too much for the +Spanish and the mystery. + +So Madame Widger was resolved on. Her modest advertisement is +given, that the impartial reader may be brought to acknowledge +that the inducements to wed the Widger were not of the common +order. + + "MADAME WIDGER, the Natural-Gifted Astrologist, + Second-Sight Seer and Doctress, tells past, present, + and future events; love, courtship, marriage, absent + friends, sickness; prescribes medicines for all + diseases, property lost or stolen, at No. 3 First-av., + near Houston-st." + +The slight lack of perspicuity in this announcement seems to be a +mysterious peculiarity, common to all the Fortune Tellers, as if +they were all imbued with the same commendable contempt for all +the rules of English grammar. + +The voyager being attired in a captivating costume, and being +also provided with pencils and paper to make a life-sketch, with +a view to an expansive portrait of his enslaver, whose beauty was +with him a foregone conclusion, set out with his faithful friend +for the delightful locality mentioned in the advertisement, where +the charming Circe, Widger, held her magic court. + +He was not aware, at that time, that his intended bride was not a +blushing blooming maiden, but an ancient dame, whose very +wrinkles date back into the eighteenth century. But of that +hereafter. + +He was determined to have her tell his "love, courtship, or +marriage, absent friends, or sickness," and to insist that she +should "prescribe medicines for property lost or stolen," +according to the exact wording of the advertisement. + +The doughty "Individual" trembled somewhat, with an undefined +sensation of awe, as though some fearful ordeal was before him--to +use his own elegant and forcible language, he felt as though he +was going to encounter an earthquake with volcano trimmings. + +"It is the fluttering of new-born love in your manly bosom," +remarked his companion. + +"Well," was the reply, "if a baby love kicks so very like a horse +of vicious propensities, a full-grown Cupid would be so +unmanageable as to defy the very Rarey and all his works." + +Without any noteworthy adventure they kept on their way to the +First Avenue, and in due time stood, awe-struck, before the +mansion of the enchantress. + +After the first impression had worn off, the scene was somewhat +stripped of its mysteriousness, and assumed an aspect commonplace, +not to say seedy. As soon as the sense of bewilderment with which +they at first gazed upon the domicile of the mysterious damsel so +favored of the fates, had passed away, they found themselves in a +condition to make the observations of the place and its +surroundings that are detailed below. + +The house, a three-story brick, seemed to have that architectural +disease which is a perpetual epidemic among the tenant-houses of +the city, and which makes them look as if they had all been +dipped in a strong solution of something that had taken the skin +off. The paint was blistered and peeling off in flakes; the +blinds were hanging cornerwise by solitary hinges; the shingles +were starting from their places with a strange air of disquietude, +as if some mighty hand had stroked them the wrong way; the +door-steps were shaky and crazy in the knees; the door itself had +a curious air of debility and emaciation, and the bell-knob was +too weak to return to its place after it had feebly done its +brazen duty. There was no door-plate, but on a battered tin sign +was blazoned, in fat letters, the mystic word "Widger." The Cash +Customer rang the bell, not once merely, or twice, but continuously, +in pursuance of a dogma which he laid down as follows: + +"It is a mistake to ever stop ringing till somebody comes. The +feebler you ring, the more the servants think you're a dun, and +therefore the more they don't come to let you in--but if you keep +it up regularly they'll think you're a rich relation and will +rush to the rescue." + +So he kept on, and the voice of the bell sharply clattered +through the dismal old house, making as much noise as if it +suddenly wakened a thousand echoes that had been locked up there +for many years without the power to speak till now. If a timid +ring denotes a dun, and a boisterous one a rich relation, then +must the inhabitants of that cleanly suburb have been convinced +that the present performer on the bell not only had no claims as +a creditor on the people of the house, but was a rich California +uncle, come to give each adult member of that happy family a gold +mine or so, and to distribute a cart-load of diamonds among the +children. + +The door at last was opened by an uncertain old man with very +weak eyes, who appeared to have, in a milder form, the same +malady which afflicted the house; perhaps he was a twin, and +suffered from brotherly sympathy--at any rate the dilapidating +disease had touched him sorely; its ravages were particularly +noticeable in the toes of his boots and the elbows of his coat. +Violent remedies had evidently been applied in the latter case, +but the patches were of different colors, and suggestive of the +rag-bag; the boots were past hope of convalescence; his +shirt-collar was sunk under a greasy billow of a neckcloth, and +only one slender string was visible to show where it had gone +down; the nether garment was a ragged wreck, that set a hundred +tattered sails to every breeze, but was anchored fast at the +shoulder with a single disreputable suspender. + +Guided by this equivocal individual the two visitors entered a +small shabbily furnished room, and bestowed themselves in a +couple of treacherous chairs, in pursuance of an imbecile +invitation from the battered old gentleman. + +The anticipations of the enthusiastic lover again began to fall, +and in five minutes his heart, which so lately was "burning with +high hope," was so cold as to be uncomfortable. + +On a seven-by-nine cooking-stove, which three pints of coal would +have driven blazing crazy, stood a diminutive iron kettle, in +which something was noisily stewing; the something may have been +a decoction of magic herbs, or it may have been Madame Widger's +dinner. A tumble-down trunk in a corner of the room did +precarious duty for a chair; a faded carpet hid the floor; a +cheap rocking-chair in the act of moulting its upholstery spread +its luxurious arms invitingly near the dim window; and a table, +on which a pack of German playing cards was coyly half concealed +by a newspaper, a coal-hod, and a poker, completed the necessary +furnishing of the apartment. + +The ornaments are soon inventoried; a certificate of membership +of the New York State Agricultural Society, given at Albany to +Mr. M. G. Bivins, hung in a cheap frame over the table. The other +decorations were a few prints of high-colored saints, an +engraving of a purple Virgin Mary with a pea-green child, and a +picture of a blue Joseph being sold by yellow brethren to a crowd +of scarlet merchants who were paying for him with money that +looked like peppermint lozenges. + +Madame Widger, the "Mysterious Spanish Lady," was not at first +visible to the naked eye, but a loud, shrill, vicious voice, +which made itself heard through the partition dividing the +reception-room from some apartment as yet unexplored by them, +directed the attention of her visitors to her exact locality. + +She was "engaged" with another gentleman, said the knight of the +ragged inexpressibles. + +Had not what he had already seen of the mansion decidedly cooled +the passion of the love-lorn customer, this intelligence would +have been likely to rouse his ire against the interloping swain, +and make him pant for vengeance and fistic damages to the other +party; but in his present confused state of mind he received this +blow with philosophic indifference. + +The old man subsided into a chair, and in a weak sort of way +began to talk, evidently with some insane idea of pleasingly +filling up the time until the prophetess should be disengaged. +His conversation seemed to run to disasters, with a particular +partiality to shipwrecks. He accordingly detailed, with wonderful +exactness, the perils encountered by a certain canal-boat of +his, "loaded principally with butter and cheese," during a +dangerous voyage from Albany to New York, and which was finally +brought safely to a secure harbor by the power of the Widger, +which circumstance had made him her slave for life. + +The shrill voice then ceased, and the person to whom it had been +addressed came forth. The lime on his blue jean garments, and the +cloudy appearance of his boots, declared him to be something in +the mason line. He deported himself with becoming reverence, and +departed in apparent awe. He did not look like a dangerous rival, +and he was not molested. + +A discreditable and disordered head now thrust itself out of the +mysterious closet, opened its mouth, and the vicious voice said: +"I will see you now, sir." The sighing swain, with a fluttering +heart and unsteady steps, summoned his courage and entered the +place, to him as mysterious as was Bluebeard's golden-keyed +closet to his ninth wife. The first glance at Madame Widger at +once scattered again all his dreams of love and of happiness +with that potent and fearful female. + +He encountered a cadaverous bony-looking woman, very tall, very +old, though with hair still black; with grey eyes, and false +gleaming teeth. She was attired in calico; quality, ten cents a +yard; appearance, dirty. Hardly was the door closed, when the +vicious voice spitefully remarked, "Sit down, sir;" and a skinny +finger pointed to a cane-bottomed chair. While seating himself +and taking off his gloves, he took an observation. + +The apartment was not large; in an unfurnished state, a +moderately-hooped belle might have stood in it without serious +damage to her outskirts, but there would be little extra room for +any enterprising adventurer to circumnavigate her. In one corner +was a small pine light-stand, on which was a sceptical looking +Bible, with a very black brass key tied in it; a volume of Cowper +bound in full calf; a little lamp with a single lighted wick, and +a pile of the Madame's business hand-bills. + +She at once showed her experience of human nature and her distrust +of her present visitor by her practical and matter-of-fact conduct. + +She sat uncomfortably down on the very edge of an angular chair, +folded her hands, shut herself half up like a jack-knife, and the +vicious voice mentioned this fearful fact: "My terms are a dollar +for gentlemen;" and the grey eyes stonily stared until the dollar +aforesaid was produced. + +The voice then prepared for business by sundry "Ahems!" and when +fairly in working order it proceeded: "Give me your hand--your +_left_ hand." + +The Widger took the extended palm in her shrivelled fingers and +made four rapid dabs in the middle of it with the forefinger of +her other hand, as if she were scornfully pointing out defects in +its workmanship; then she opened the drawer of the little stand +with a spiteful jerk, and withdrew thence something which she put +to her sinister optic, and began rapidly screwing it round with +both hands, as if she had got water on the brain and was trying +to tap herself in the eye. + +Then the vicious voice began, in a loud mechanical manner, to +speak with the greatest volubility, running the sentences +together, and not thinking of a comma or a period till her breath +was exhausted, in a manner that would have fairly distanced Susan +Nipper herself, even if that rapid young lady had twenty seconds +the start. + +"I see by looking in this stone that you was born under two +planets one is the planet Mars you will die under the planet +Jupiter but it won't be this year or next you have seen a great +deal of trouble and misfortune in your past life but better days +are surely in store for you you have passed through many things +which if written in a book would make a most interesting volume I +see by looking more closely in the stone that you are about to +receive two letters one a business letter the other a let--" + +Here her breath failed, and as soon as it came back the voice +continued-- + +"ter from a friend it is written very closely and is crossed I +see by looking more closely in the stone that one of the letters +will contain news which will distress you exceedingly for a +little while but you need not be troubled for it will all be for +your good you are soon to have an interview with a man of light +hair and blue eyes who will profess great interest in you but he +will get the advantage of you if he can you must beware of him I +see by looking more closely in the stone that you will live to be +68 years old but you will die before you are 70." Here was +another station where the locomotive voice stopped to take in +air, and then instantly dashed ahead at a greater speed than +ever. "I see by looking more closely in the stone that good luck +will befall you a near friend will die and leave you a fortune I +see by looking more closely in the stone that this will happen to +you when you are between 32 and 34 years old that is all I see in +this stone." + +Another grab brought from the little drawer another pebble, +which the Madame placed at her eye, the boring operation was +recommenced, and the vicious voice once more got up steam. + +"I see by looking closely in this stone that you will have two +wives one will be blue-eyed and the other will be black-eyed with +the first one you will not live long but with the last one you +will be happy many years I see by looking more closely in the +stone that you will have six children which will be very +comfortable the lady who is to be your first wife is at this +moment thinking of you I see by looking more closely in the stone +that a man with light hair and blue eyes is trying to get her +away from you but she scorns him and turns away I see by looking +more closely in the stone that she has a strong feeling for you +you need not fear the man with light hair and blue eyes for you +will get her you and you only will possess her heart I see by +looking more closely in the stone that she is good gentle kind +loving affectionate true-hearted and pleasant." + +(The vicious voice resented each one of these good-natured +adjectives, as if it had been a gross personal insult to the +Widger, and spit them spitefully at her trembling customer, as if +they tasted badly in her mouth.) + +"and will make you a good wife; you will be rich and happy you +will be successful in business you will be hereafter always lucky +you will be distinguished you will be eminent you will be good +you will be respected you will be beloved honored cherished and +will reach a good old age I see by looking in this stone--that is +all I see by looking in this stone." + +Here she ceased, and choking down her indignation, which had +risen to a fearful pitch during the complimentary peroration, she +said, taking up the equivocal Bible with the key tied in it, +"Take hold of the key with your finger, I will give you one wish, +if the book turns round you will have your wish." The guest took +the key in the required manner, and the Widger closed her eyes +and muttered something which may have been either a prayer or a +recipe for pickling red cabbage, for he was unable to satisfy +himself with any degree of certainty what it was; at the +appointed time the book turned and the wish was therefore +graciously granted. + +Her hearer smiled his grimmest smile, and ventured to inquire if +his unknown rival was making any progress in securing the +affections of the lady in dispute, and received the satisfying +answer, "She scorns him and turns away." Reassured by this, the +susceptible individual mentally and fiercely defied the blue-eyed +intruder to do his worst, and with a reverential obeisance left +the presence. As he departed, the skinny hand presented him with +a handbill, but the vicious voice was silent. + +Carefully conning the handbill as they slowly departed from the +august realm of the Madame, the seekers of magic for the lowest +cash price read the following particulars: + + "Madame Widger was born with this wonderful gift of + revealing the destinies of man, and she has revealed + mysteries that no mortal knew. She states that she + advertises nothing but what she can do with entire + satisfaction to all who wish to consult her. + + "Also, she will scan aright, + Dreams and visions of the night." + +The tender inquirer went away in a desponding mood. The Widger +was out of the question as a bride, "for she was old enough," he +said, "to have been grandmother to his father's uncle." + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +Discourses of Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First Street, +Williamsburgh, and tells all that Nursing Sorceress communicated +to her Cash Customer. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +MRS. PUGH, No. 102 SOUTH FIRST STREET, WILLIAMSBURGH. + + +It is travelling a little away from home to go to Williamsburgh +in search of a witch, but there are some peculiar circumstances +about the present case, that give it more than common interest. +Mrs. Pugh is not an _advertising_ sorceress, but practises all +her magic slily, and generally under a promise of secresy, which +is exacted lest the fame of her fortune-telling should come to +the ears of certain respectable families, who employ her as a +nurse. She is much resorted to by a number of young persons of +both sexes, and has considerable notoriety among the low and +ignorant classes as a practiser of the black art. She is by no +means the only "nurse" who is given to this reprehensible +practice, but very many of the old women who officiate as +professional nurses are proficients in telling fortunes with +cards, and with the Bible and key, and are always glad of an +opportunity to exhibit their pretended skill. Being at times +received into families where there are daughters, not grown up, +they become most dangerous persons if they are encouraged or +permitted to thus practise on the credulity of these young girls. + +The mere encouragement of hurtful superstitious notions is a +great ill in itself, but is by no means the extent of the evil +done by some of these persons. They not unfrequently take an +active part in bringing about meetings between unsuspecting girls +and evil-disposed men, thus paving the way to the wretchedness +and ruin of the former. More than one instance is known, where +the going astray of a loved daughter can be traced directly to +the mischievous teachings of a fortune-telling nurse. + +These are the reasons that give the case of Mrs. Pugh an +importance greater than attaches to many others. + +It is right that people should know that a certain degree of +circumspection ought to be used, with regard to moral character, +as well as other qualifications, in the selection of a nurse, +lest a person be employed who will work irreparable mischief +among the younger members of the family. + + + The Individual calls on a Nursing Sorceress. + +Who shall say that broomstick locomotion is a lost art, and that +steam has superseded magic in the matter of travelling? Because +no one of us has ever encountered a witch on her basswood steed, +shall we presume to assert that witches no longer bestride +basswood steeds and make their nocturnal excursions to blasted +heaths, there to meet the devil in the social midnight orgie, and +kick up their withered heels in the gay diabolical dance with +other ancient females of like kidney with themselves? Because no +one of us has ever beheld with his own personal optics, an old +woman change herself into a black cat, shall we therefore assert +that the ancient dames of our own day are unable to accomplish +that feline transformation? "Not by no manner of means whatsomdever," +as Mr. Weller would remark. + +Let us not then be found without charity for the peculiar and +persistent faith of the hero of this book, who, though thrice +bitterly disappointed in his matrimonial speculations among the +witches, still clung to the fond belief that a bride with +supernatural powers of doing things would be a splendid +speculation, and that such a spouse could be found if he, her +ardent lover, did not give up the chase too soon. Spite of his +disappointment with Madame Bruce, and his crushing discomfiture +with Madame Widger, Hope still sprang eternal in the "Individual's" +breast, and he felt, like the immortal Mr. Brown of classic +verse, that it would "never do to give it up so." + +He had something of a natural turn for mechanics, and having been +of late engaged in some entertaining speculations on steam +engines, he came not unnaturally to think of the wonderful +advantage the magically-endowed people of old had over the +present age in the matter of locomotion. He thought of that +wonderful carpet on which a jolly little party had but to seat +themselves and wish to be transported to any far-off spot, and +presto! change! there they were instanter. No collisions to be +feared; no running off the track at a speed of ever-so-many +unaccountable miles an hour; no cast-iron-voiced conductor at +short intervals demanding tickets; no old women with sour babies; +no obtrusive boys with double-priced books and magazines; no +other boys with peanuts, apples, and pop-corn; nothing, in fact, +save one's own social circle but a civil genie, not of Irish +extraction, to fly alongside to mix the juleps and carry the +morning paper. + +It was very natural to consider whether there wasn't a yard or +two left somewhere of that valuable carpet, and to regret that on +the whole probably the original owners had occasion to use the +entire piece. + +Then the thought was very naturally suggested of the marvellous +wooden horse with the pegs in his neck, who soared with his +riders a great deal higher than does Mr. Wise in his clumsy +balloon, and always came down a great deal easier than ever Mr. +Wise did yet. Of course the Cash Customer was from the start +perfectly convinced that _that_ breed of horses is long since +extinct, so long ago that no record of them is now to be found in +either the "American Racing Calendar," or the "English Stud +Book." + +Then very naturally came thoughts of the broomstick changes of +the more modern witches. Perhaps, he thought, these are the colts +of the wooden horse, degenerate, it is true, and lacking in the +grace and symmetry of their extraordinary sire, but still perhaps +not inferior in speed or in safety of carriage. + +The thought was a brilliant one, and it was really worth while to +inquire into the matter and pursue this phantom steed until he +was fairly hunted down and bridled ready for use. + +It needed no long cogitation or extended argument to convince +Johannes, the "Individual," the Cash Customer, of the immense +practical value of such a steed, to say nothing of his costing +nothing to keep, and of its therefore being utterly impossible +for him to "eat his own head off," and of his never growing old, +and of his never having any of the multitudinous diseases that +afflict ordinary horses without any intermixture of magic blood, +and therefore of it being out of the question for anybody to +cheat his owner in a horse-trade. + +Why, only think of his value for livery purposes in case his +happy proprietor was disposed to let other folks use him for a +proper compensation. He could of course be trained to carry +double, and no doubt Mr. Rarey, or some other person potent in +horse education, could easily break him to go in harness. + +It wasn't likely, Johannes cogitated, that the judges would allow +him to enter his ligneous racer at the Fashion Course, so that +he'd not get a chance to win any money from Lancet and Flora +Temple, still there was a hope, even on that point. + +So, in search of the witch wife, whose dower should be the +broomstick horse, that should set the fond couple up in business, +started the sanguine lover. + +Having had some experience of New York fortune-tellers and others +in the magic line, and not thinking they were of the sort likely +to have so great a treasure, he started for the suburbs, and +crossed the ferry to Williamsburgh, in order to pay a visit of +inquiry, and if possible to take the initiatory step in courting +Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First Street, in that city. + +He designed, of course, to buy a "fortune" at a liberal price, +for the purpose of setting the lady in good-humor as a necessary +preliminary step. He really had hopes that she would prove to be +of a slightly different style from some of the New York +fortune-tellers, who seem to have mistaken their profession and +to be hardly up to reading the stars with success, although they +might be fully equal to all the financial exigencies of an apple +and peanut stand, or might win an honorable distinction crying +"radishes and lettuce" in the early morning hours; or upon trial, +might, perhaps, evince a decided genius for the rag-picking +business, or preside over the fortunes of a soap-fat cart with +distinguished ability. + +Threading the winding ways of Williamsburgh is by no means an +easy task for one unaccustomed, and it was only by incessantly +stopping the passers-by and making the most minute inquiries that +this lady was ever achieved at all. + +This constant questioning of the public revealed, however, the +fact that Mrs. Pugh does not by any means depend upon her +fortune-telling for her bread-and-butter; she is a nurse, as many +a Williamsburgh baby could testify if it could command its +emotions long enough to speak. What will be the influence of her +supernaturalism and witchcraft upon the children intrusted to her +fostering care--whether they will in after life prove to be +devils, demi-gods, heroes, or mere ordinary "humans," time alone +can show. This illustrious lady does not advertise in the +newspapers; in fact, her fortune-telling is done on the sly, as +if she were yet an apprentice, and a little ashamed of her +bungling jobs, for which, by the way, she only charges half +price. She is in a very undecided state, and evidently undetermined +whether her proper vocation is tending babies or revealing the +decrees of the fates at twenty-five cents a head, and when her +visitors made their appearance she was puzzled to know whether +their business was baby or black art. + +Her exertions in either profession have not as yet gained her a +very large fortune, judging from the surroundings of her eligible +residence. + +The domicile of this chrysalis enchantress is a low frame house +of two stories, standing back from the street, directly in the +rear of another row of more pretentious mansions, as if it had +been sent into the back yard in disgrace and never permitted to +show itself in good society again. It seems conscious of its +humiliation, and wears an air of architectural dejection that is +quite touching. A troop of dirty-faced children was in the yard, +and in the corner was a pile of other household incumbrances, +consisting principally of mops and washtubs. + +Johannes critically examined this interesting collection, but the +wished-for broomstick was not there. A modest rap brought to the +door a large ill-favored man with a red nose and a ponderous pair +of boots, whose speciality seemed to be drinking whatever +spirituous liquors were consumed about the establishment. + +Having passed this shirt-sleeved sentinel without damage, though +not without fear, the Cash Customer sat down to take an +observation. + +The wooden courser was not to be seen at first glance. The room +was a small irregularly-shaped one, with an intrusive chimney +jutting out into the floor from one side, as if it were a sturdy +brick-and-mortar poor relation of the premises come a visiting +and not to be got rid of at any price. A small cooking-stove was +in the fireplace, with an attendant on either side in the shape +of a battered coal-scuttle, and a small saucepan full of +charcoal; the floor was covered with a dirty rag carpet that had +long since outlived its beauty and its usefulness, and was now in +the last extremity of a tattered old age; half-a-dozen chairs of +different patterns, all much shattered in health and enfeebled by +long years of labor, and a decrepit lounge in the last stages of +a decline, were the seats reserved for visitors; the other +furniture of the room was an antique chest of drawers of a most +curious and complicated pattern--it seemed as if the mechanic had +been uncertain whether he was to construct a bureau or a +cow-shed, and had accordingly satisfied his conscience by making +half-a-dozen drawers and building a sloping roof over them; the +joints were warped apart, and through the chinks could be seen +fragments of clean shirt, and ends of lace, and bits of flannel, +suggesting babies. At a wink from the female, the male with the +ponderous boots retired from the presence. + +Mrs. Pugh is a woman of medium height and size, with a clear +grey eye, and light hair, and wearing that sycophantic smile +peculiar to people who have much to do with ugly babies whose +beauty must be constantly praised to the doting parents. She was +attired in a neat calico dress, constructed for family use, and +for the particular accommodation of the younger members of the +household. + +Johannes, who had been taking a sly look, had made up his mind +that she would not be quite so objectionable for a wife as he had +feared, and he had fully resolved to woo and wed her off-hand, +provided she had the broomstick of his hopes. + +So, by way of a beginning, he announced that he would like her to +exercise her magic powers in his behalf. + +Mrs. Pugh had evidently previously regarded him as an +enthusiastic young father with a pair of troublesome twins, who +had come to seek her ministrations, and she undoubtedly had high +wages, innumerable presents, and exorbitant perquisites in her +mind's eye at that instant. + +When, however, she learned that her visitor merely wished to know +what the fates had resolved to do about his particular case, she +was slightly disappointed, for the babies are more profitable +than the planets. However, she soon reconciled herself to her +fate, and produced from some cranny immediately under the eaves +of the cow-shed bureau, a pack of cards wrapped up in an old +newspaper. She then carefully locked the door to keep out the +children, and drew down the curtains lest their inquiring minds +should lead them to observe her mysterious operations through the +window. Then taking the wonder-working pieces of pasteboard in +her hands, and seating herself opposite her visitor, she +announced her gracious will, thus: "You shall have six wishes." + +Then, without asking him what he wished for, or whether he wished +for anything, she shuffled the cards a few seconds, and read off +their mysterious significance as follows, her curious and anxious +customer looking furtively around, meanwhile, to spy out the +hiding-place of the wooden courser: + +"'Pears to me you will have good luck in futur, though it seems +to me that you have had a great deal of bad luck and misfortune +in your life; but you will certainly do better in your futur days +than you have done yet in your life, at least, so it seems to me. +'Pears to me your good luck will commence right away, pretty +soon, immediate, in a very few days; you will have some great +good luck befal you within a 9. I designate time by days, and +weeks, and months, and sometimes years, so this good luck of +which I told you, you will certainly have within 9 days, or 9 +weeks, or 9 months, or possibly 9 years--9 days I think; yes, I am +sure; within 9 days, at least so it 'pears to me. You are going +to make a change in your business, so it seems to me--you are +going to leave your present business, and make a change; you will +make this change within a 7, which may be 7 days or weeks; weeks +I think, yes certainly within 7 weeks, at least so it 'pears to +me--this change in your business which will take place in 7 days, +or weeks, I think, yes weeks I'm sure, will be a change for the +better, and you will profit by it much, at least so it seems to +me--and it will come to pass within a 7; as I said before, within +a 7, months or days it may be, but weeks I think; yes, now I look +again, within a 7, weeks I'm certain, at least, so it 'pears to +me--you will receive a letter within a 3; years, perhaps, months, +it may be, but still it looks like days; yes, days I'm sure, days +it must be; within a 3, and days they are; you will receive a +letter within 3 days, I'm positively sure, or so it 'pears to me. +You have friends across water, from whom you will hear speedily +and soon, within a 5, which may be months, although I think not, +for it looks like years; did I say years? no, days; yes, days it +is again; within a 5, and days they are; this letter you will +have within 5 days; it will contain excellent news, which will +please you much; money, the news will be, and you will get the +letter within a 5, which may be months or years, but days it +looks like, and first-rate news it is, of money; I am positively +certain that it is within a 5, at least it seems so to me. You +face up good luck and prosperity, and you will be very rich +before you die, though I do not see how you are to get your +money, whether by business or legacy; but you will be very rich, +or so it seems to me. You will receive some money within a 4; it +will be in three parcels, and there will be considerable of it. +You will get it in three parcels within a 4, not hours, nor +years, nor yet months, but weeks; money in three parcels within a +4, and weeks they are, I'm certain. The money will be in three +parcels--three parcels; in three parcels you will get money within +a 4, which, now I look again, it may be years, but still I think +not. No, it is weeks; I'm certain, at least, so it 'pears to me. +There is a lady that has a good heart for you. She is a +light-complexioned lady, with black eyes; she has a good heart +for you, and I do not see any trouble between you, which means +that there is no opposition to your match, and that you will +certainly marry her within a 2, at least so it 'pears to me. +Within a 2 you will marry this light-complexioned lady, within a +2, which is not hours, nor yet days, I think it is months. I'll +look again; no, it is not months, but years; within a 2 and years +they are, yes, 2 years; before a 2, and years they are, this lady +will be your wife--at least, so it seems to me. 'Pears to me you +will get money with her, I do not know how much, but you will +certainly get money in three parcels, as I once remarked before, +within a 4, which I'm sure is weeks. You will be married twice; +once within a 2, once again within a 5 or 7 after your first wife +dies. I think it is a 5, though it may be a 7; and months it +looks like, though it may be weeks or days. You will live with +your first wife a 10; days it can't be, though it looks like +days--a 10, you'll live with her a 10, can it be hours, no, years +it is, it must be, because you will have five children by your +first wife, which makes it years--10 years it is, I know, at least +so it 'pears to me. You will have five children by your first +wife, but you will not raise them all. All will die but two, and +then your wife will die within a 1, which is a month, or so it +seems to me." + +The inquirer was charmed with the lively prospect of so many +funerals, and mentally resolved to buy a couple of acres in +Greenwood for the accommodation of his future family. His +meditations were interrupted by the lady, who thus continued: + +"You will marry a second wife, but you will have trouble about +her; there is a dark-complexioned man who interferes, and who +will trouble you for an 8, which may be years, although I think +not, nor hours, nor days, but months; I'm sure it is--yes, the +dark-complexioned man will trouble you for an 8, which I am sure +is months, yes, months it is, an 8 I say, and months they are, I +am certain, at least so it 'pears to me. By your second wife you +will have three children, who will all live--I see a funeral here +within a 6; it does not look like a friend or a relative, but it +is some acquaintance, or the friend of some acquaintance, or the +acquaintance of some friend--the funeral is within a 6, but it +does not come very near to you--you will go to a wedding within a +3, and you will receive a present of a ring within a 2, which +may be days--you will after this be very prosperous and happy, you +will be very long-lived--you will get a letter and a present from +the light-complexioned lady within a 9, which, as I said before, +it may be hours, which I think it is, though weeks it may be, or +months, or even years; though certainly within a 9, which, now I +look again, is days, yes, I am sure, certain, within a 9, a +letter and a present from the light-complexioned lady, a 9 it is +and days, within a 9, and days they are, at least, so it 'pears +to me." + +Here ended the communication, and, on inquiring the price, +Johannes was astonished to learn that he had received but +twenty-five cents' worth. Regretting that he had not invested a +dollar in a commodity so "cheap and very filling at the price" +for future consumption, he departed, first taking a long +lingering look to find, if possible, the lurking-place of the +magic broomstick charger. He didn't see it, and gave it up, and +came away declaring that such a woman was not qualified to take +the social position his wife must assume. He did not, however, +wish to discourage her; he thought that the water-melon trade +might be comprehended by a lady of her abilities, or that she +could perhaps thoroughly master the pop-corn and molasses candy +business, and make it lucrative. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +In which are narrated the Wonderful Workings of Madame Morrow, +the "Astonisher," of No. 76. Broome Street; and how, by a +Crinolinic Stratagem, the "Individual" got a Sight of his "Future +Husband." + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +MADAME MORROW, THE ASTONISHER, No. 76 BROOME STREET. + + +Madame Morrow is the only one of the fortune-telling fraternity +in New York who refuses to dispense her astrological favors to +both sexes. She positively declines receiving any visits from +"gentlemen," and confines her business attention exclusively to +"ladies," of whom many are her regular customers. One reason for +this course of conduct is, that she imagines her own sex to be +the more credulous, and more readily disposed to put faith in her +claims to supernatural knowledge, and she naturally prefers to +deal with believers rather than with sceptics. Her "lady" +customers are more tractable and easily managed than men, and are +not so apt to ask puzzling and impertinent questions; and as the +Madame can manage more of them in a day, of course the pecuniary +return is larger than if she exercised her art in behalf of +curious masculinity as well. + +Of her history before she engaged in her present business, not +much is known to those who have met her only of late years, for +with regard to her early life she chooses to exercise a politic +reticence. The whole "style" of the woman, however, her dress, +manner, and conversation, are strong indications that her younger +and more attractive days were not passed in a nunnery, but more +probably in establishments where "Free Love" is more than a +theory. The character of the greater part of her "lady" visitors +is of a grade that goes to corroborate this supposition, and +leads to the belief that among women of doubtful virtue "old +acquaintance" is not easily "forgot." By far the greater number +of Madame Morrow's customers are girls of the town, and women of +even more disreputable character. + +The fact that a visit to this renowned sorceress must be paid in +a feminine disguise, made the attempt to secure an interview of +more than ordinary interest. How this difficulty was mastered, +and how an entrance was finally effected into the citadel from +which all mankind is rigorously excluded, is best told in the +words of the "Individual" who accomplished that curious feat. + + + How the Cash Customer visited the "Astonisher"--How he + was Astonished--and How he saw his Future Husband. + +The Cash Customer in pursuit of a wife had been rebuffed, but was +not disheartened. He had, so to speak, fought a number of very +severe hymeneal rounds and got the worst of them all; but he had +taken his punishment like a man, and had still wind and pluck to +come up bravely to the matrimonial scratch when "time" was +called, and as yet showed no signs of giving in. His backers, if +he'd had any, would have still been tolerably sure of their +money, and not painfully anxious to hedge. The bets would have +been about even that he'd win the fight yet, and come out of the +battle a triumphant husband, instead of being knocked out of the +field a disconsolate and discomfited bachelor. + +But, although his ardor had not cooled, and though his strength +and determination still held out, he had grown slightly cautious, +and had conceived a plan for going like a spy into the camp of +the enemy, and there thoroughly reconnoitring the positions that +he had to storm, and at the same time making himself master of +the wiles and stratagems that were the peculiar weapons of the +female foe, and so learn some infallible way to capture a +first-quality wife. At any rate, he would give himself the +benefit of the doubt and make the experiment. He would a-wooing +go, not apparelled in conquering broadcloth, in subjugating +marseilles, or overpowering doeskin, but carrying the unaccustomed, +but not less potent weapons of laces, moire-antique, crinoline, +and gaiters. + +In fact, there was also a stern necessity in the case, for the +lady on whom he had now set his young affections was particular +as to her customers, and did not admit the shirt-collar gender to +the honor of her confidence. + +But was this to stop him? If the lady shut out the whole +masculine world from the inevitable fascinations of her +superabundant charms, was it not for sweet charity's sake, that a +whole community might not go into ecstatic frenzies over her +peerless beauty, and all men, being stricken in love of the same +woman, go to cutting each other's throats with bowie-knives and +other modern improvements! + +It was easy to see that _Madame Morrow_ did not want to become +another Helen, to be abducted to some modern Troy, and have a ten +years' row, and any quantity of habeas corpuses, and innumerable +contempts of interminable courts, after the modern fashion of +conducting a strife about a runaway maiden. + +Such a considerate beauty, veiling her undoubted fascinations +from the rude gaze of man, from purely prudential reasons, must +be a prize of rare value, and well worth the winning. + +Her qualifications in magic, too, seemed to be of the very first +order, to judge from her notification to the wonder-seeking +world. + + "ASTONISHING TO ALL.--Madame MORROW claims to be the + most wonderful astrologist in the world, or that has + ever been known, as I am the seventh daughter of the + seventh daughter, who was also a great astrologist. I + have a natural gift to tell past, present, and future + events of life. I have astonished thousands during my + travels in Europe. I will tell how many times you are + to be married, how soon, and will show you the likeness + of your future husband, and will cause you to be + speedily married, and you will enjoy the greatest + happiness of matrimonial bliss and good luck through + your whole life. I will also show the likeness of + absent friends and relations, and I will tell so true + all the concerns of life that you cannot help being + astonished. No charge, if not satisfied. Gentlemen not + admitted. No. 76 Broome street, near Columbia." + +There was but one thing in this that troubled the "Individual" +with any particularly sharp pangs. He intended to marry the +Astonisher, but he was a little bothered what to do with the +seven daughters, for of course the Madame would not fail to +follow the excellent example of her revered mother, and would +never stop short of the mystic number. + +He finally concluded that all his duties as a father would be +faithfully performed if he taught them to read, write, and play +on the piano, and then gave them each a sewing-machine to begin +the world with. He did think of bringing them up for the ballet, +but their success in that profession being somewhat dependent on +the size and symmetry of their dancing implements, he felt it +would be improper to positively determine on that line of +business before he had been favored with a sight of the young +ladies. Reserving, therefore, his decision on this knotty point +until time should further develop the subject, he prepared for +the unsexing which was indicated as an inevitable preliminary to +a visit to Madame Morrow, by the sentence "Gentlemen not +admitted." + +He proposed to get himself up in a way that would slightly +astonish the Madame herself, although she had faithfully promised +in her advertisement to astonish him. He would have been willing +to wager a small sum that with all her witchcraft she would be +unable to keep that promise, for in the regular course of his +business, he had become so accustomed to marvels, wonders, and +miracles, that the upheaval of a volcano in the Park wouldn't +discompose him unless it singed his whiskers. He had a strong +desire, however, to realize the old sensation of astonishment, +and he was of the opinion that the "likeness of his future +husband" would accomplish that feat if anything could. + +Heroic was Johannes, and withal ingenious, and this then was his +wonderful plan. + +He would visit this Madame Morrow, not by proxy, but in his own +proper person; if not as a man, then as a woman; yes, he would +petticoat himself up to the required dimensions, if it took a +week to tie on the machinery. Off with the pantaloons; on with +the skirts; down with the broadcloth; hurrah for the cotton and +hey for victory, and a look at his future husband. + +To an inventor of theatrical costumes hied he with this fell +design in his heart. + +The requisite paraphernalia were bargained for and sent home to +the ambitious voyager, who, at the sight thereof, was "astonished" +in advance, and stricken aghast by the complicated mysteries of +laces, ribbons, strings, bones, buttons, pins, capes, collars, +and other inexplicable articles that met his gaze. + +The question instantly occurred, "Could he get into these +things?" + +Not a bit of it; he would sooner undertake to report in +short-hand the speech of a thunder-cloud, and with much better +prospects of success. He felt his own insignificance, and as he +looked out at the window, he regarded a passing female with awe. +He felt that he was fast becoming imbecile, not to say idiotic, +when he bethought him of his friends. Two discreet married men, +who knew the ropes, were called to the rescue, and began the +work; they piled on layer after layer of the material, and in +the course of four or five hours had built him into a pyramid of +the proper size, when they gave him their solemn assurance that +he was "all right." He has since discovered that they had tied +his under-sleeves round his ankles, and that the things he wore +on his arms must have belonged somewhere else. There was trouble +about the hair, and it required the combined ingenuity and wisdom +of the masculine trio to keep the bonnet on, and this difficulty +was only overcome at last by tying strings from the inside of the +crown of that invention to the ears of the sufferer. + +Then, and not till then, had anybody thought of the whiskers. +They must be sacrificed; and though the miserable victim to his +own ambition consented to the disfigurement, how was it to be +accomplished? The luckless Johannes could no more sit down in a +barber's chair than the City Hall could get into an omnibus. At +last he knelt down, which was the nearest approach he could make +to a sitting position, and Jenkins, mounted on the bed, shaved +him as well as he could at arm's length. + +When the operation was concluded, his head looked as if it had +been parboiled and the skin taken off. He didn't dare to curse +Jenkins for his clumsiness, knowing that if he relieved his mind +in that desirable manner, Jenkins would refuse to help him +undress when he wanted to get out of the innumerable manacles +that now confined every joint. He was as helpless as a turtle +that the unkind hand of ruthless man has rolled over on his back. + +However, the disguise was complete; he looked in the glass and +thought he was his own landlady; his best friends wouldn't have +known him, and the teller of the bank would have pronounced him a +forgery and refused to certify him; he felt like a full-rigged +clipper ship, and got under sail as soon as possible and bore +down upon Madame Morrow's residence. He nearly capsized as he +stepped into the street, but he righted after a heavy lurch to +the north-east, and kept his course without further serious +disaster. He made a speedy run to Broome street, the voyage being +accomplished in less than the expected time, although a heavy +sea, in the shape of a boy with a wheelbarrow, struck him +amidships, on the corner of Sheriff street, doing some damage to +his lower works and carrying away a yard or so of lace from his +main skirt. He finally came up to the house in splendid style, +and cast anchor on the opposite sidewalk to take an observation. + +The anchorage was good, and he rode securely for a short time +until he could repair damages, he having carried away some of his +upper rigging; in other words, he had caught his veil on a +meat-hook and had been unable to rescue it. He rigged a sort of +jury-veil with the end of his shawl, so that he could hide his +blushing countenance in case of too close scrutiny. + +Madame Morrow lives, as he now discovered, in a low, three-story +brick house, which cannot be called dirty, simply because that +mild word expresses an approximation towards cleanliness which no +house in this locality has known for years. City readers can get +an idea of its condition by understanding that it is in the worst +part of "The Hook;" to readers in the country, who have luckily +never seen anything filthier than a barn yard, no information can +be given which would meet the case. Sunshine is the only +protection for a well-dressed man against the population of this +part of the town. In the twilight or darkness he would be robbed, +if not garroted and murdered. The boldest and most desperate +burglars, and others of that stamp, have their homes about +here--fathers who teach their children the thief's profession, and +mothers who carry pickpockets at the breast. In the midst of this +nest of crime the fortune-teller has her home, and here she +thrives. + +The daring man, protected by his false colors, there being no +officious authority in that neighborhood to exercise the right of +search, came alongside the house and prepared, metaphorically, to +board; that is, he rang the bell. + +He was admitted by an Irish girl, whose incrusted face showed +that the same deposit of dirt had probably held possession +undisturbed for weeks. They had just entered the hall door when +two small children, who were contending for their vested rights +with a big yellow dog that had interfered with their dinner, +commenced an unearthly squalling, which, for the instant, made +the millinery delegate fairly believe that Tophet was out for +noon. The Hibernian maiden, with great presence of mind, +immediately attempted to quiet the storm by administering to each +inverted brat a sound correction, in the manner usually adopted +by mothers. + +Particulars are omitted. + +Then she resumed her attentions to the stranger, and convoyed him +into port in the parlor. Securely harbored in this safe retreat, +Johannes took another observation. + +The room was small, and what few things were in it looked shabby +and dirty of course. The principal article of furniture was a +huge basketful of soiled linen, which had probably been "taken +in" to wash, and from a respectable family, for every single +article looked ashamed to be caught in such company, and tried to +burrow down out of sight. Disconsolate shirts elbowed humiliated +socks, which in turn kicked against mortified flannels, or hid +themselves beneath disconcerted sheets; abashed shirt-collars and +humbled dickies tried to shrink out of sight in very shame +beneath a dishonored tablecloth, the wine-stains on which showed +it to belong in better society. A dejected and cast-down woman +was assorting the despairing contents of the basket with a look +of desolation. + +The girl, who had disappeared, now returned, and with an air of +mystery slipped into the hand of her visitor a red card, on which +was inscribed: + + +-------------------------------------------------+ + |No Person allowed to remain in the Establishment | + |without a ticket. Please present this on entering| + |Madame Morrow's room. Fee in full, $1. | + +-------------------------------------------------+ + +For an hour and a half after the receipt of this card and the +payment of $1 therefor, did Johannes quietly wait in the room +with the big basket, being entertained meanwhile by the two women +who conversed with each other upon the relative merits of engines +No. 18 and 27, and with a long discussion as to the comparative +personal beauty of "Tom" and "Dick," who, it seemed, belonged +respectively to those two mechanical constituents of our Fire +Department. + +At the end of that time the Irish girl, who had succeeded in +establishing "Dick's" claim to her satisfaction, arose and +invited the stranger to the room of Madame Morrow. + +He passed up a narrow flight of stairs, the condition of which, +as to dirt, was concealed by no friendly carpet; then he sailed +into a front parlor which was furnished elegantly, and perhaps +gorgeously, with carpets, mirrors, sofas, and all the usual +requirements of a lady's apartment. + +Madame herself appeared at the door. She is a tall, +sallow-looking woman, with a complexion the color of old +parchment: with light brown eyes and light hair; being attired in +a handsome delaine dress of half-mourning, and decorated with a +costly cameo pin and ear-drops, she looked not unlike a servant +out for a holiday, making a sensation in her mistress's finery. + +She led her lovely visitor into a little closet-like room, in +which were a bureau, two chairs, a table, and a small stand, +covered with a number of her business hand-bills and a pack of +cards. She asked first: "What month was you born?" On receiving +the answer, the Astonisher took a book from the bureau and read +as follows: "A person born in this month is of an amiable and +frank disposition, benevolent, and an amiable and desirable +partner in the marriage relation. Your lucky days are Tuesdays +and Thursdays, on which days you may enter on any undertaking, or +attempt any enterprise with a good prospect of success." Then she +took up the cards again, and after the usual shuffling and +cutting, the Astonisher fired away as follows. + +"You face luck, you face prosperity, you face true love and +disinterested affection, you face a speedy marriage, you face a +letter which will come in three days and will contain pleasant +news--you face a ring, you face a present of jewelry done up in a +small package; the latter will come within two hours, two days, +two weeks, or two months--you face an agreeable surprise, you face +the death of a friend, you face the seven of clubs which is the +luckiest card in the pack--you face two gentlemen with a view to +matrimony, one of whom has brown hair and brown eyes, and the +other has lighter hair and blue eyes--they are both thinking of +you at the present time, but the nearest one you face is the one +with light eyes--your marriage runs within six or nine months." + +There was very much more to the same effect, but as Johannes was +pining all this time for a look at his future husband, he did not +pay the strictest attention to it. Finally, when she had finished +talking, she said, "Step this way and see your future husband." + +This was the eventful moment. + +The disguised one went to the table and there beheld a pine box, +about the size of an ordinary candle-box, though shallower; it +was unpainted, and decidedly unornamental as an article of +furniture. In one end of it was an aperture about the size of the +eye-hole of a telescope; this was carefully covered with a small +black curtain. This mystic contrivance was placed upon a table so +low that the husband-seeker was compelled to go on his knees to +get his eye down low enough to see through. He accomplished this +feat without grumbling, although his knees were scarified by the +whalebones which surrounded him. The Astonisher then drew aside +the little curtain with a grand flourish, and her customer beheld +an indistinct figure of a bloated face with a mustache, with +black eyes and black hair; it was a hang-dog, thief-like face, +and one that he would not have passed in the street without +involuntarily putting his hands on his pockets to assure himself +that all was right. But he felt that he had no hope of a future +husband if he did not accept this one, and he made up his mind to +be reconciled to the match. + +This contrivance for showing the "future husband" is sometimes +called the Magic Mirror, and may be procured at any optician's +for a dollar and a quarter. The "future husband" may of course be +varied to suit circumstances, by merely shifting the pictures at +one end of the instrument; or a horse or a dog might be +substituted with equal propriety and probability. + +Disappointed, and sick at heart and stomach, the Cash Customer +bore away for home, and accomplished the return voyage without +disaster. He didn't so much mind the unexpected difference in the +personal attractions of Madame Morrow from what he had hoped, for +he had been rather accustomed to disappointments of that sort of +late, but he couldn't see that his admission to the camp of the +enemy had enabled him to spy out anything of particular +advantage to him in future operations. So he cogitated and +mournfully whistled slow tunes, as he cut himself out of his +unaccustomed harness by the help of a pen-knife with a file-blade. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +Contains a full account of the interview of the Cash Customer +with Doctor Wilson, the Astrologer, of No. 172 Delancey Street. +The Fates decree that he shall "pizon his first Wife." HOORAY!! + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +DR. WILSON, No. 172 DELANCEY STREET. + + +This ignorant, half-imbecile old man is the only _wizard_ in New +York whose fame has become public. There are several other men +who sometimes, as a matter of favor to a curious friend, exercise +their astrological skill, but they do not profess witchcraft as a +means of living; they do not advertise their gifts, but only +dabble in necromancy in an amateur way, more as a means of +amusement than for any other purpose. On the other hand Dr. +Wilson freely uses the newspapers to announce to the public his +star-reading ability, and his willingness, for a consideration, +to tell all events, past and future, of a paying customer's life. +He professes to do all his fortune-telling in a "strictly +scientific" manner, and it is but justice to him to say, that he +alone, of all the witches of New York, drew a horoscope, +consulted books of magic, made intricate mathematical calculations, +and made a show of being scientific. In his case only was any +attempt made to convince the seeker after hidden wisdom, that +modern fortune-telling is aught else than very lame and shabby +guesswork. The old Doctor has by no means so many customers as +many of his female rivals; he is old and unprepossessing--were he +young and handsome the case might be otherwise. + +He has been a pretended "botanic physician," or what country +people term a "root doctor;" but failing to earn a living by the +practice of medicine, he took up "Demonology and Witchcraft" to +aid him to eke out a scanty subsistence. He does but little in +either branch of his business, the public appearing to have +slight faith in his ability either to cure their maladies or +foretell their future. + +The character of his surroundings is noted in the following +description, and his oracular communication is given, word for +word. + + + An Hour with a Wizard.--The Cash Customer is to "Pizon" + his First Wife, and then get Another. Hooray! + +"I am like a vagabond pig with no family ties, who has no lady +pig to welcome him home o'nights, and with no tender sucklings to +call him 'papa,' in that prattling porcine language that must +fall so sweetly on the ears of all parents of innocent porklings. +Like Othello, I have no wife, and really I can see little hope in +the future." + +Thus moralized the "Individual," the morning after his experiment +with the women's gear, and his failure to learn, at a single +lesson, the whole art of catching a wife. Then he bethought him +that perhaps the art could not be learned without a master; and +then came the other thought that no one could tell so well how to +win a witch-wife as one who had himself been successful in that +risky experiment. + +To find a man with a fortune-telling wife is no easy matter, for +most of the marriages contracted by these ladies are by no means +of a permanent character, and the male parties to the temporary +partnerships are always kept in the background. But if he could +discover up a wizard, a masculine master of the Black Art, there +were strong probabilities that such an individual could put him +in the way of winning a miracle-working spouse, at the very least +possible trouble and expense. He would seek that man as a +preliminary to winning that woman. The daily newspapers showed +him that in the person of a learned doctor, surnamed Wilson, he +would probably find the man he wanted. He searched out that +wonderful man, and the results of his visit are given in this +identical chapter. + +Old dreamy Sol Gills, of coffee-colored memory, has been +admiringly recommended to the good opinion of the world by his +friend, Capt. Ed'ard Cuttle, mariner of England, as a man "chock +full of science." From the same eminent authority we also learn +that Jack Bunsby was an individual of learning so vast, and +experience so varied and comprehensive, that he never opened his +oracular mouth but out fell "solid chunks of wisdom." That the +person now dwells in our city who combines the scientific +attainments of Gills with the intuitive wisdom of Bunsby, we have +the solemn word of Johannes. The science is a trifle more dreamy +and misty even than of old, and the wisdom is solider and +chunkier, but both are as undeniable, as convincing, as +"stunning," as in the best days of the Little Wooden Midshipman. +The fortunate possessor of this inestimable wealth of knowledge +secludes himself from the curious public in the basement of the +house No. 172 Delancey street, like an underground hermit. +However, this unselfish and generous sage, not wishing to hide +entirely the light of his great learning from a benighted world, +kindly condescends, in the advertisement herewith given, to +retail his wisdom to anxious inquirers at a dollar a chunk: + + "ASTROLOGY.--Dr. Wilson, 172 Delancey street, gives the + most scientific and reliable information to be found on + all concerns of life, past, present, and future. + Terms--ladies, 50 cents; gentlemen, $1. Birth required." + +The last sentence is slightly obscure, and it was not quite clear +to Johannes that he would not have to be "born again" on the +premises. But at all events there was something refreshing in the +novelty of consulting a "learned pundit" in pantaloons, after all +the tough conjurers of the other sex that he had undergone of +late. + +So he repaired to Delancey street in a joyous mood, nothing +daunted by the requirements of the advertisement. + +Delancey street is not Paradise, quite the contrary. In fact it +may be set down as unsavory, not to say dirty in the extreme. The +man that can walk through the east end of this delicious +thoroughfare without a constant sensation of sea-sickness, has a +stomach that would be true to him in a dissecting-room. The +individual that can explore with his unwilling boots its slimy +depths without a feeling of the most intense disgust for +everything in the city and of the city, ought to live in Delancey +street and buy his provisions at the corner grocery. He never +ought to see the country, or even to smell the breath of a +country cow. He should be exiled to the city; be banished to +perpetual bricks and mortar; be condemned to a never-ending +series of omnibus rides, and to innumerable varieties of short +change. + +The delegate picked his way gingerly enough, thinking all the +while that if Leander had been compelled to wade through Delancey +street, instead of taking a clean swim across the sea, Hero might +have died a respectable old maid for all Leander. And yet +Johannes says he doesn't believe that History will give _him_ any +credit for his valorous navigation of the said street. + +He at last reached the designated spot, sound as to body, though +wofully soiled as to garments, and approached the semi-subterranean +abode of the great prophet, and immediately after his modest rap +at the basement door, was met by the venerable sage in person. +He walked in, and then proceeded to take an observation of the +cabalistic instruments and mysterious surroundings of the great +philosopher. + +The room was a small, low apartment, about ten feet by twelve, +the floor uncarpeted and uneven; the walls were damp, and the +whole place was like a vault. The furniture was very scanty, and +all had an unwholesome moisture about it, and a curious odor, as +if it gathered unhealthy dews by being kept underground. Three +feeble chairs were all the seats, and a table which leaned +against the wall was too ill and rickety to do its intended duty; +many of the books which had once probably covered it, were now +thrown in a promiscuous heap on the floor, where they slowly +mildewed and gave out a graveyard smell. A miniature stove in the +middle of the room, sweated and sweltered, and in its struggles +to warm the unhealthy atmosphere had succeeded in suffusing +itself with a clammy perspiration; it was in the last stages of +debility; old age and abuse had used it sadly, and it now stood +helplessly upon its crippled legs, and supported its nerveless +elbow upon a sturdy whitewash brush. There were a few symptoms of +medical pretensions in the shape of some vials, and bottles of +drugs, and colored liquids on the mantelpiece; a great attempt at +a display of scientific apparatus began and ended with an +insulating stool, and an old-fashioned "cylinder and cushion" +electrical machine; a number of highly-colored prints of animals +pasted on the wall, having evidently been scissored from the +show-bill of a menagerie, had a look towards natural history, and +a jar or two of acids suggested chemical researches. The books +that still remained on the enervated table were an odd volume of +Braithwaite's Retrospect, a treatise on Human Physiology, and +another on Materia Medica; a number of bound volumes of Zadkiel's +Astronomical Ephemeris, Raphael's Prophetic Almanac, Raphael's +Prophetic Messenger, and a file of Robert White's Celestial +Atlas, running back to 1808. + +The appearance of the venerable sage of Delancey street was not +so imposing as to strike a stranger with awe--quite the contrary. +He partook of the character of the room, and was a fitting +occupant of such a place; he seemed some kind of unwholesome +vegetable that had found that noisome atmosphere congenial, and +had sprung indigenously from the slimy soil. One looked +instinctively at his feet to see what kind of roots he had, and +then glanced back at his head as if it were a huge bud, and about +to blossom into some unhealthy flower. The traces of its earthy +origin were plainly visible about this mouldy old plant; +quantities of the rank soil still adhered to the face, filled up +the wrinkles of the cheeks, found ample lodging in the ears and +on the neck, and crowding under the horny and distorted nails, +made them still more ugly; and streaks and ridges of dirt clung +to every portion of the garments, which answered to the bark or +rind of this perspiring herb. + +To drop this botanic figure of speech, Dr. Wilson is a man of +about fifty-eight years of age, rather stout and thick-set, with +grey eyes, and hair which was once brown, but is now grey, and +with thin brown whiskers; the top of his head is nearly bald, +except a few thin, furzy, short hairs, which made his skull look +as if it had been kept in that damp room until mould had gathered +on it. He was in his shirt sleeves, and was attired, for the most +part, in a pair of sheep's grey pantaloons, which were made to +cover that fraction of his body between his ankles and his +armpits; the little patch of shirt that was visible above the +waistband of that garment, was streaked with irregular lines of +dirty black, as if it had gone into half mourning for the +scarcity of water. + +The man of science made a musty remark or two about the weather +and the walking, and then, after carefully seating himself at the +decrepit table, he said: "I suppose your business is of a +fortun'-tellin' natur; if so, my terms is one dollar." The +affirmative answer to the question and the payment of the dollar +put new energy into the mouldy old man, and he prepared to +astonish the beholder. + +He demanded the age of his visitor, and then desired to be +informed of the date of his birth, with particular reference to +the exact time of day; Johannes drummed up his youthful +recollections of that interesting event, and gave the day, the +hour, and the minute, with his accustomed accuracy. The sage made +an exact minute of these wet-nurse items on a cheap slate with a +stub of a pencil; then taking another cheap slate, he proceeded +to draw a horoscope thereon, pausing a little over the signs of +the zodiac, as if he was a little out in his astronomy, and +wasn't exactly certain whether there should be twelve or twenty. +He settled this little matter by filling one half the slate as +full as it would hold, and then carrying some to the other side, +so as to have a few on hand in case of any emergency. + +When the figure was drawn, and all the mysterious signs +completed, the shirt-sleeve prophet became absorbed in an +intricate calculation of such mysterious import that all his +customer's mathematical proficiency was unable to make out what +it was all about. First he set down a long row of figures, which +he added together with much difficulty, and then seemed to +instantly conceive the most unrelenting hostility to the sum +total. The mathematical tortures to which he put that unhappy +amount; the arithmetical abuse which he heaped upon it, and the +algebraic contumely with which he overwhelmed it, almost defy +description. He first belabored it with the four simple rules; he +stretched it with Addition; he cut it in two with Subtraction; he +made it top-heavy with Multiplication, and tore it to pieces with +Division--then he extracted its square root; then extracted the +cube root of that, which left nothing of the unfortunate sum +total but a small fraction, which he then divided by _ab_, and +made "equal to" an infinitesimal part of some unknown _x_. Having +thus wreaked his vengeance on the unhappy number, he laid away +the surviving fraction in a cold corner of the slate, where he +left it, first, however, giving a parting token of his bitter +malignity by writing the minus sign before it, which made it +perpetually worse than nothing, and reduced it to a state of +irredeemable algebraic bankruptcy. This praiseworthy object being +finally achieved, he proceeded to translate into intelligible +English the result of his calculations, which he announced in the +terms following: + +"The testimonial is not the most sanguine. If the time of birth +is given correct there is reason to apprehend that something of +an affective nature occurred at about eight years and ten +months--at 16 x 10 I think I may say, if the time of birth is +given correct, there is from the figures reason to expect that +there is a probability of a similar sitiwation of events. At 24 +there was a favorable sitiwation of events, if there was not +somebody or somethin' afflictive on the contrary, the which I am +disposed to think might be possible. At 25, if the time of birth +is given correct, there is reason to expect great likelihoods of +some success in life; I may, it is true, be mistaken in my +calculations, but as the significators are angular, I think there +is indications that such will be the sitiwation of events. At 30, +if the time of birth is given correct, I think you are an +individdyal as may look for some species of misfortin--there will +be some rather singular circumstances occur, which might denote +loss of friends, or the fallin' to you of a fortin, or great +travellin' by water or land, or losin' money at cards, or +breakin' your leg, or makin' a great discovery, or inventin' +somethin', or gettin' put into prison on suspicion of sorcery and +witchcraft. You will see that there are indications to denote +that you will certainly be accused of sorcery and witchcraft by +some individdyals who are not your friends--the indications denote +great likelihoods that this will make you uneasy in your mind, +but I think there is nothin' of a very serious natur' to be +feared at that time of life, if the time of birth is given +correct. When any misfortin' is comin' upon you there is no doubt +(though I am not goin' to state positively that such will be the +case, still there is strong likelihoods that the indications give +such a probability) that it will give you warnin' of its +approach. At 36, if the time of birth is given correct, there is +indications of a likelihood that you will fall upon some other +misfortin'; I am not prepared to state positively that such will +be the case, but I think you will have a misfortin', though I +don't think it would be of a very afflictive natur'. There is at +that time a circumstance of an unfriendly natur', though it may +not happen to yourself; it might denote that your brother will +get sick. There is another evil condition about this time which I +will examine still furder. I see that there is indications of a +likelihood that there is a probability of your having somethin' +amiss by a partner, if somethin' of a favorable natur' does not +interpose, which is not unlikely, though I may be mistaken and +will not say positively. You will be lucky, however, after that, +and many of your evils will gradually begin to recline, as it +were. There is reason to believe that the significators denote +that in the course of your futur' life you will sometimes be +thrown in with men who you will think is your friends, but who +will prove to be your enemy. This I will not say positively, for +I may be mistaken, which I think I am not, but if the time of +birth is correct, you are an individdyal as gives likelihoods +that such might be the case." + +For more than an hour had the Inquirer been edified and +instructed by these "solid chunks of wisdom," which, it will be +remembered, were not delivered off-hand, but were carefully +ciphered out by elaborate calculations on the slate aforesaid. +Lucid and elegant as was the language, and interesting as was the +matter of these oracular communications, he felt it to be his +duty to interrupt them for a time and change the subject to a +theme in which he felt a nearer interest; accordingly he asked +the musty Seer about his prospects of future wedded bliss. This +was a subject of so great importance that all the other +calculations had to be erased from the slate--this little +operation was accomplished in the manner of the schoolboys who +haint got any sponge, and the dirty hand plied briskly for a +minute between the juicy mouth and the dingy slate, and became a +shade grimier by this cleanly process. Then a new horoscope was +drawn with more signs of the zodiac than ever, and in due time +the result was thus announced: + +"I shall now endeavor to give you a description of the sort of +person you might be most likeliest to marry. There is indications +that your wife might be respectable. The significators do not +denote that there is a likelihood that you might marry a very old +woman. She would be as likely to have fair hair and blue eyes as +anything else; nor would she be likely to be very much too tall, +and I don't imagine you are an individdyal that might be likely +to marry a woman who was very short. She may not be very old, but +I do not think that the indications point her out as being likely +to be a child; in fact, I think it possible that she may be of +the ordinary age, though I do not wish to be understood as being +positive on all these points, for I may be mistaken, though I +think you will find that there is a likelihood that these things +may be so. You will be married twice, and I think you are an +individdyal that would be likely to have children--six children I +think there is indications that you may be likely to have. The +significators point out one very evil condition, and I think I +may say that I'm quite sure. I'm positive that you will separate +from your first wife. No, I will not say that yours is a +quarrelsome natur', but the significators look bad. Things is +worse, in fact, than I told you of, and now I look again and am +sure you are prepared, I will say that there cannot be a doubt +that _you will pizon your first wife_. It cannot be any other +way; there is no mistake; it is so; it must be true; the fact is +this, and thus I tell you, _you will pizon your first wife_. And, +my young friend, I will advise you, in case your married futur' +is unhappy, and you do find it necessary to give pizon to your +consort, do not tell anybody of your intentions; do not let it be +known; and you must do it in such a way as not to be suspected, +or people will think hard of you, and there may be trouble." + +This was a touch of wisdom for which Johannes was not prepared; +so he snatched his hat and hastily left the sepulchral premises, +conscious of his inability to receive another such a "chunk" +without being completely floored. + +He now expresses the opinion that Dr. Wilson wanted to get the +job of "pizoning" that first wife, and that he would have done it +with pleasure at less than the market price. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +Gives a history of how Mrs. Hayes, the Clairvoyant, of No. 176 +Grand Street, does the Conjuring Trick. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MRS. HAYES, A CLAIRVOYANT, No. 176 GRAND STREET. + + +There are a dozen or more of these "Clairvoyants" in the city who +profess to cure diseases, and to work other wonders by the aid of +their so-called wonderful power. As their mode of proceeding is +very much the same in all cases, a description of one or two will +give an idea of the whole. Their principal business is to +prescribe for bodily ills, and did they confine themselves to +this alone, they would not be legitimate subjects of mention in +this book. But in addition to their medical practice they also +tell about "absent friends;" tell whether projected business +undertakings will fall out well or ill; whether contemplated +marriages will be prosperous or otherwise: whether a person will +be "lucky" in life, whether his children will be happy, and, in +short, they do pretty much the regular fortune-telling routine, +whenever the questions of the customer lead that way. + +The theory as given by them, of a Clairvoyant diagnosis of a +malady, is this: that the Clairvoyant, when thrown by mesmeric +influence into the "trance" state, is enabled to _see into the +body of the patient_ and discern what organs, if any, are +deranged, and in what manner; or to ascertain precisely the +nature of the morbific condition of the body, and having thus +discovered what part of the vital mechanism is out of order, they +are able, they argue, to prescribe the best means for restoring +the apparatus to a normal state. + +There are many thousands of persons who believe this stuff, and +endanger their lives and health by trusting to these empirics. +Several of the most popular of them have as many patients as they +can attend to, and are rapidly amassing fortunes. Most of them +have a superficial knowledge of Medicine, and are thus enabled to +do, with a certain amount of impunity, many dark deeds. It is +reported of more than one of these women that she has done as +many deeds of child-murder as did even the notorious Madame +Restell. + +In this regard, they are among the most dangerous and criminal of +all the Witches. + +The "Individual" visited Mrs. Hayes, who is one of the most +ignorant of the whole lot, and Mrs. Seymour, who is one of the +most intelligent of all. He sets down the particulars of his +visit to the former, in the words following: + + + How the "Individual" sees a Clairvoyant--How he pays a + Dollar, and what he gets for his money. + +Not all the sorcery of all the sorcerers; not all the necromancy +of all the necromancers; not all the conjurations of all +masculine conjurers; not all the magic of all male magicians; not +all the charming of all the charmers, charm they never so wisely, +could have induced Johannes to ever more place the slightest +trust in a wizard, or repose in any wonderworker of the bearded +sex the merest trifle of faith, even the most infinitesimal +trituration of the homoeopathicest grain. The single dose he had +received from the renowned Doctor Wilson was quite enough, and +had satisfied all his longings for wisdom of that sort. + +Besides, his coming events cast such peculiar and very unpleasant +shadows before, that he preferred to keep out of the grim +presence of such shady men, and for all after time to bask him +only in the sunshine of smiling women. + +"_Pizon his first wife_," would he? Well, he could have taken +that "pizon" with tolerable composure from the lips of lovely +woman, but to receive it from the mumbling mouth of a skinny old +man, was too much to accept without divers rebellious grins. + +A peach-cheeked witch, a cherry-lipped conjuress; a Circe, with +only enough charms to make a respectable photograph, might with +impunity have called him a counterfeiter, or a horse-thief, or +even a thimble-rigger; or might have told him that he would, upon +opportunity, garotte his grandmother for the small price of +seventy cents and her snuff-box; or that he was in the habit of +attending funerals to pick the pockets of the mourners, and of +going to church that he might steal the pennies from the +poor-box, all this would he have borne uncomplainingly from a +woman; but these unpalatable statements from one of the masculine +gender would be "most tolerable and not to be endured." + +He felt that if he had not rushed incontinently from the presence +of that underground star-gazer Dr. Wilson, he must either have +punched that respected person's venerated head, or have laughed +in his honored face. In either case he would, of course, have +roused the extensive ire of that potent worthy, and have been at +once exposed to a fire of supernatural influences that would have +been probably unpleasant, to say the least. + +The unmusical Johannes looks upon accordeons as cruel instruments +of refined torture, and detests them as the vilest of all created +or invented things, and he had been very careful to offend none +of the magic community, lest he should, by some high-pressure +power of their enchanted spells, be transformed into an +accordeon, and be condemned to eternally have shrieking music +pulled out of his bowels by unrelenting boys. + +Having this terrible possible doom continually before his mind's +optics, he felt that it would be only the part of prudence to +avoid the company of those black art professors in whose presence +he could not keep all his feelings well in hand. So, no more +wizards would he visit, but the witches should henceforth have +his entire attention. + +It is a fortunate circumstance that there are no other men than +the aforesaid Doctor Wilson, in the witch business in New York, +so that there would be no temptation to break this resolve, and +he probably would not be troubled to keep it. + +There is one breed of the modern witch that pretends to a sort of +superiority in blood and manners, and those who practise this +peculiar branch of the business put on certain aristocratic airs +and utterly refuse to consort with those of another stamp. They +disdain the title of "Astrologers," or "Astrologists," as most of +them phrase it, and in their advertisements utterly repudiate the +idea that they are "Fortune Tellers." + +These are the "Clairvoyants," who do business by means of certain +select mummeries of their own, and who make a great deal of money +in their trade. There are a great number of these in the city, so +many indeed that the business is over-done, and the price of +retail clairvoyance has come materially down. The same dose of +this article that formerly cost five dollars, may now be had for +fifty cents, and the quality is not deteriorated, but is quite as +good now as it ever was. + +To one of these supernatural women did the hero resolve to pay +his next visit, and he selected the abode of Mrs. Hayes, of 176 +Grand Street, for his initiatory consultation. + +With the mysterious psychological phenomena denominated by those +who profess to know them best, "clairvoyant manifestations," +Johannes had nothing to do, and was content, as every one of the +uninitiated must perforce be, to accept the say-so of the +spiritualistic journals that there are such phenomena and that +they are unexplained and mysterious. No outside unbelievers in +Spiritualism and the kindred arts may ever know anything of +clairvoyant developments and demonstrations, save such one-sided +varnished statements as the journals that deal in that sort of +commodities choose to lay before the world. Every man must be +spiritually wound up to concert pitch before he is in a condition +to receive the highest revelations of the clairvoyant speculators. +So that, whether the clairvoyance that is sold for money be a +spurious or a superfine article few can tell. Certain it is that +it is the same sort of stuff that has ever been retailed to the +public under the name of clairvoyance, ever since the discovery +of that remunerative humbug. It is more than likely that the +twaddle of Mrs. Hayes, Mrs. Seymour, and the rest of the +fortune-telling crew, would be repudiated by Andrew Jackson Davis +and the rest of the spiritualistic firstchoppers, but it is none +the less true that these gifted women sell their pretended +knowledge of spirits and spiritual persons and things, with as +much pretentiousness to unerring truth, as that veritable seer +himself, and at a much lower price. + +The clairvoyant department of modern witchcraft is necessarily +carried on by a partnership, and one which is not identical with +the legendary league with the devil. Two visible persons +constitute the firm, for it takes a double team to do the work, +and if the amiable gentleman just referred to makes a third in +the concern, he is a silent partner who merely furnishes capital, +while his name is not known in the business. The whole theory of +clairvoyance as applied to fortune-telling and other branches of +cheap necromancy, seems to be somewhat like this. + +A strong-minded person, generally a man with a _physique_ like a +Centre-Market butcher boy, obtains by some means possession of an +extra soul or two, or spirit, or whatever else that intangible +thing may be called. These spirits are always second-rate +articles, not good enough to be put into vigorous and strong +bodies, and which have been therefore hastily cased up in an +inferior kind of human frame as a sort of make-shift for men and +women. + +Your professional clairvoyant is always, both as to soul and +body, a botched-up job that nature ought to be ashamed of, and +probably is, if she'd own up. + +The senior partner of the clairvoyant fortune-telling firm, the +strong-minded one, according to their professions, has the +arbitrary control of the cast-off souls that animate these refuse +bodies. By what spiritual hocus-pocus this is managed is not +known to those outside the trade. He uses their half-baked +spirits at his will, and makes his living by farming them out to +do dirty jobs for the paying public. He disconnects them from +their mortal vehicles, and sends them on errands in the +spirit-land in behalf of his customers, looking up their "absent +friends," both in and out of the body--telling of their health and +prosperity if they are still alive, and picking up little bits of +scandal about their angels if they are dead. The senior partner +also sends his abject two-and-sixpenny souls to explore the +bodies of his sick customers and examine their internal +machinery, point out any little defects or disarrangements, and +suggest the proper remedies therefor, and in short, to do +whatever other dirty work the customer may choose to pay for. + +The senior partner of course pockets all the money, merely +keeping the mortal tenement in which the working partner dwells +in a good state of repair, in consideration of services rendered. + +Such a partnership is the one of Mr. and Mrs. Hayes, whose place +of business is advertised every day in the morning papers in the +words following: + + "CLAIRVOYANCE.--Astonishing cures and great discoveries + daily made by MRS. HAYES, that superior and wonderful + clairvoyant. All diseases discovered and cured (if + curable). Unerring advice given respecting persons in + business, absent friends, &c. Satisfactory examinations + given in all cases, or no charge made. Residence, 176 + Grand St. N. Y." + +Johannes, whose general health was excellent, and whose internal +apparatus was all right so far as heard from, had therefore no +occasion to be astonishingly cured, or to have any great +discoveries made in him by Mrs. Hayes; still he was desirous of a +little "unerring advice about absent friends," etc., from "that +superior and wonderful clairvoyant." + +Besides, it was barely possible that in the person of the +superior and wonderful Mrs. Hayes, he might find the bride for +whom he pined. With hope slightly renewed within his speculative +breast, he set off joyfully for the designated domicile, which he +achieved in the due course of travel. + +The house No. 176 Grand Street is a brick two-story dwelling, of +a dingy drab color, as though it had been steeped in a Quaker +atmosphere and had there imbibed its color, which had since been +overlaid with "world's people's" dirt. + +The door was opened by Mrs. Hayes in person, her body on this +occasion being sent with her spirit to do a bit of drudgery. + +She is a woman of the most abject and cringing manner +imaginable; a female counterpart of Uriah Heep, with an unknown +multiplication of that vermicular gentleman's writhings; she wore +no hoops, she would have squirmed herself out of them in an +instant; her dress was fastened securely on with numerous visible +hooks and eyes, and pins, and strings, in spite of which +precautions her visitor expected to see her worm out of it before +she got up stairs, and would scarcely have been astonished to see +her jerk her skeleton out of her skin, and complete her errand in +her bones. + +With a propitiating bow, whose intense servility would have +become Mr. Sampson Brass in the day of his discomfiture, she +asked her customer into the house, cringingly preceded him up +stairs, deferentially placed a chair, and abjectly departed into +an inner room, pausing at the door to execute an obsequious +wriggle, and to once more humble herself in the dust (of which +there was plenty) before her astonished visitor. + +The reception-room to which she led him, is an apartment of +moderate size, from the front windows of which the beholder may +regale his eyes with a comprehensive view of Centre Market and +its charming surroundings; Mott and Mulberry Streets lie just +beyond, and the Tombs are visible in the dim distance. The room +was furnished with a superfluity of gaudy furniture; and sofas, +tables, chairs and pictures, crowded and elbowed each other, +showing plainly that the upholstery of a couple, at least, of +parlors had been there compressed into a bedroom. + +From the inner room came a great sound, made up of so many +household ingredients as to defy accurate analysis--but the crying +of babies, the frizzling of cooking meat, the scraping of +saucepans, and a sound of somebody scolding everybody else, +predominated. + +The voyager was unprepared for any _Mister_ Hayes, having taken +it for granted that the _Mrs._ of the superior and wonderful +clairvoyant did not imply a husband, but was merely assumed +because it looks more dignified in the advertisement. But there +_was_ a _Mr._ Hayes, and presently the door opened and that +worthy appeared; he was surrounded by an atmosphere of fried +onions, and the fragrant and greasy perspiration in his face +seemed to have been distilled from that favorite vegetable. + +Mr. Hayes is a tall, fierce, sharp-spoken man, of manners so very +rough and bearish that his wife and children quailed when he +spoke as if they expected an instant blow. We don't know that it +ever will be possible for a man to garrote his guardian angel for +the sake of her golden crown, but the idea occurred to Johannes +that if that amiable feat is ever accomplished, it will be by +such another man as this. He seemed as unable to speak a kind or +gentle word as to pull his boots off over his ears. He is an +Englishman, and speaks with the most intolerable cockney accent. +Moderating his harsh tones until they were almost as pleasant as +the threatenings of an ill-natured bull-dog, and addressing his +auditor, he growled out the following specimen of delectable +English: + +"There is lots of folks goin' round town pretendin' to do +clairvoyance, and to cure sick folks, and to tell fortunes, and +business, and journeys, and stole property; but we ain't none of +them people. We only do this for the sake of doin' good, and we +don't want to do nothin' that will make any trouble. We used to +tell things about stole property, and about family troubles, and +so we sometimes used to get folks into musses, but we don't do +nothin' of that kind now. If your business is about any kind of +muss and trouble in your family we don't want nothin' to do with +it. Sometimes folks that has quarrelled their wives away come to +us and wants us to get them back again, but we don't do nothing +of that sort. We can tell 'em if their wives are well, or if +they're sick and all about what ails 'em, and so we can about any +people that is gone off anywhere, and them's what we call 'absent +friends.' So if you've got any trouble with your wife we can't do +nothin' for you." + +The love-lorn visitor had no wives, a fact known to the reader +already, and when he does accumulate a help-meet, he sincerely +trusts she may not be so unruly as to require the interference of +outsiders to preserve harmony in the family. He expressed +himself to that effect, and added that his business was to find +out about the well-being of some friends in Minnesota, and to +ascertain particulars about some other trifles necessary to his +peace of mind. + +Hereupon Mr. Hayes, with a growl like a sulky rhinoceros, opened +the door which cut off the pot-and-kettle Babel of the other +room, and commanded his wife to come, and that estimable lady, +who is evidently in a state of excellent subordination, instantly +writhed herself into the room. She sat down in an armchair, and +began to evolve a most remarkable series of inane smiles, each +one of which began somewhere down her throat, rose to her mouth +by jerks, and finally faded away at the top of her head and the +tips of her ears. It was a purely spasmodic thing of disagreeable +habit, without a particle of geniality or feeling about it. + +While this curious process was going on, the Doctor had drawn +down the window-shades, thus darkening the room, and now +approached for the purpose of unhooking from its earthly +tabernacle the soul that was to step up to Minnesota and bring +back word to his customer "how all the folks got along." This he +accomplished by a few mysterious mesmeric passes, and when the +trance was induced, and the spirit had, so to speak, tucked its +breeches into its boots ready for the muddy journey, he placed in +the hand of Johannes that of the corpus which still remained in +the armchair, and said to the disembodied spirit: + +"Now, I want you to go with this gentleman to Brooklyn and take a +fair start from there, and then go where he tells you to, and +tell him what things there is there that you see." + +Having delivered this injunction in a tone so indescribably +savage that he had better a thousand times have struck her in the +face, this amiable animal retired to the Babel, taking with him +the fried-onion atmosphere. + +Then the woman in the chair began to speak, in a style the most +disagreeable and affected that anybody ever listened to. It was +more like that sickening gibberish that nurses call "_baby-talk_," +than anything else in the world. She spoke with a detestable +whine, and pronounced each syllable of every word separately, as +if she feared a two-syllable word might choke her. Sick at the +stomach as was her visitor at the whole babyish performance, he +so far controlled his qualms as to note down the words hereunder +written. + +Whoever has heard this woman in a professional way can testify to +the verbatim truth of this sketch. + +"There is wa-ter that we must cross, we must go in a boat musn't +we? Now we're in the boat, and O I see so many put-ty things, +men, and dogs, and ships and things going up and down; such +beau-ti-ful things I have never seened before. Now we are a-cross +the riv-er, and now we must get on the car, musn't we? What car +must we get on? O I see it now, the yellow car. Now we are going +a-long and I can see--O what a pret-ty dress in that store. O what +real nice can-dy that is. I wish I had some don't you? Now we're +at the house. Is it the one on the cor-ner, or the next one to +it, or is it the brick house with the green blinds? No, the wood +one with green blinds; so it is, but I didn't be here be-fore +ev-er in my life. Now we will go in-to the house; I see a car-pet +there and some chairs and some--O what a pret-ty pic-ture, and +what a nice fire. I see a la-dy of ver-y pret-ty ap-pear-ance. +She is a young la-dy; she has got blue eyes, she is stand-ing +sideways so I can't see noth-ing of her but one side of her face. +There is al-so an el-der-ly la-dy, but I can't see much of her. +They appear to be go-ing on a jour-ney, shall I go with them? +Yes, well I will. Now we are on the wa-ter and--O what a pret-ty +boat--now we are get-ting off of the boat--I didn't nev-er be here +be-fore. Now we are on a rail-road, I nev-er seened this +rail-road be-fore but--O what a pret-ty ba-by. Now we go along, +along, along, along, and now we are at the de-pot. I didn't ev-er +be here ei-ther--there is a riv-er here, and a mill and a--O what a +pret-ty cow--somebody is go-ing to milk the cow. There is a town +here--it seems as if I did be here before--yes I am sure--O what a +pret-ty lit-tle car-riage, and what a pret-ty dog. Yes I am sure +I seened this town be-fore, but these rail-roads didn't be here +then." + +By this time the travellers were supposed to have reached St. +Paul, and the reliable clairvoyant then proceeded to describe +that interesting young city; and in the course of her speech made +more improvements there than will be accomplished in reality in +less than a year or two certainly. + +Among other things, Mrs. Hayes described as at present existing +in St. Paul, two Colleges, a City Hall built of white marble, a +locomotive factory, and a place where they were building seven +ocean steamers. + +She then, when she arrived at the house, in the course of her +mesmeric journey, where the people concerning whom Johannes had +inquired were supposed to be at that present domiciled, proceeded +to give descriptions of those whom she saw there, of the looks of +the country and of the house. + +And _such_ descriptions, as much like the truth as a ton of "T" +rail is like a boiled custard. + +By asking leading questions the seeker after clairvoyant +knowledge got some very original information. He only began this +course after he found that she, if left to herself, could +describe nothing, and could utter no speech more coherent or +sensible than that already set down as coming from her illustrious lips. + +In fact, the policy of the clairvoyant-witch in every case, is to +wait for leading questions from the anxious inquirer, so that the +answers may be framed to suit the exigencies of the case. +Johannes was not slow to perceive this, and by way of testing the +science, or rather, art of clairvoyance, he put a series of +questions which established the following interesting facts, all +of which were positively averred to be true by Mrs. Hayes, "that +superior and wonderful clairvoyant." + +Minnesota Territory is a small town situated 911 miles south-east +of the mouth of the Mississippi River--its officers are a chief +cook and 23 high privates, besides the younger brother of +Shakspeare, who is the Mayor of the Territory, and whose +principal business it is to keep the American flag at half-mast, +upside down. + +When this last important information had been elicited, Johannes, +who thought he had got the worth of his money, recalled Dr. +Hayes, who reappeared, surrounded by the same old atmosphere of +the same old onions; to him the customer resigned the hand of the +twaddling adult baby who had held his hand for an hour and a +half, paid his dollar, and then prepared to depart. + +The soul of the woman then returned from its long journey, and +was locked up in its squirmy body by the Doctor, ready to serve +future customers at one dollar a head. + +She didn't seem glad to get her soul back again, there probably +not being enough to give her any great joy, after she had got it. + +Johannes turned moodily away, feeling that the conjuress, his +future bride, the renovator of his broken fortunes, and the ready +relief to his present necessities, was as far distant as ever. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +Tells all about Mrs. Seymour, the Clairvoyant, of No. 110 Spring +Street, and what she had to say. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +MRS. SEYMOUR, CLAIRVOYANT, No. 110 SPRING STREET. + + +This woman is at the same time one of the most pretentious and +most clever of the clairvoyants, and she does a very large +business. Most of her customers come for medical advice, +although, in accordance with her printed announcement, she is +willing to talk about "absent friends," and whatever other +business the client may choose to pay for. + +One branch of the clairvoyant trade which formerly brought as +much money to their pockets as any other department of their +business, was the finding lost or stolen property, and giving +directions for the detection of the thieves. This specialty has +however been pretty much abandoned of late by nearly all of them, +in consequence of law-proceedings against certain ones of the +sisterhood, which have in three or four instances been commenced +by parties who have been wrongfully accused of theft, through the +agency of the clairvoyant impostors. Several suits have been +instituted against them for defamation of character, and they +have been made to smart so severely that they are now all very +careful about accusing persons of crimes. + +As an evidence of the implicit faith put in these people by their +dupes, it may be mentioned that many applications have been made +to Judge Welsh, of this city, and to the other judges, for +warrants of arrest against respectable persons, for theft, the +only grounds of suspicion against them being, that some +clairvoyant had said that the property had been stolen by a +person of such and such a height, with hair and eyes of this or +that color, and that the suspected person happened to answer the +description. Of course, all such applications for legal process +have been refused by the magistrates, and the applicants +dismissed with a severe rebuke. + +Mrs. Seymour was an intimate friend of Mrs. Cunningham, of the +Burdell-murder notoriety, and was a witness in that memorable +trial. + +The Cash Customer had an interview with this woman, which he thus +describes: + + + Another Clairvoyant, who is not much in particular. + +If a man be desirous of knowing what sort of a moral character he +bears in the spirit-world, and what style of society his +disembodied soul will circulate in, or if he desires to know the +particulars of the after-death behavior of any of his acquaintances, +of course he will find it to his interest to marry a "medium" of +average respectability, and in good practice, and so save the +expense of frequent consultations. The "rapping" and "table-tipping" +communications from the spirit-world are hardly satisfactory. It +is, very likely, pleasant for a man to be on speaking terms with +his bedroom furniture, to spend an agreeable hour occasionally in +conversation with his washhand-stand, to enjoy a spirited +argument with his bedstead and rocking-chair, or to receive now +and then a confidential communication from his bootjack, but on +the whole, these upholstery dialogues do not satisfy the +"yearnings of the soul after the infinite." The powers of speech +of a washhand-stand are circumscribed, bedsteads and rocking-chairs +are seldom equal to a sustained conversation, and the most +talkative bootjack has not a sufficient command of language to +make itself agreeable for any great length of time. The logic of +a poker may sometimes be convincing, but it is not generally +agreeable; and the rhetoric of uneducated coal-scuttles is hardly +elegant enough to pass the criticism of a refined taste. It is +therefore much more satisfactory as well as economical, for a +person who desires to enjoy his daily chat with the Spirits, to +get a "speaking medium" to translate the eloquence of all parties +and make the thing pleasant. Even then, confidential communications +must be very guarded, and on this account the person who invents +some means by which every man can be his own medium, will win an +equal immortality with the author of that invaluable book, "Every +Man his own Washerwoman." + +Johannes had been thinking over the spiritual subject, of course +with a view to profitable matrimony, for he thought he could +manage to turn an intimacy with the spirits to good pecuniary +account, and inveigle those incorporeal gentlemen into doing +something for those of their friends who are yet bothered with +bodies. + +He knew that there are in New York, plenty of spiritualists in +such constant communication with their acquaintances on the +"other side of Jordan," that they know the bill of fare with +which those seventh-heaveners are served every day, and whenever +their jolly ghostships sit down to a pleasant game of whist, they +send word to their earthly relatives by "medium" every fresh +deal, what the new trump is, who hold the honors, and how the +game stands generally. + +So close a familiarity with superior beings as this, could be +easily turned to practical account and made to pay handsomely, by +a Spiritualist with a utilitarian turn of mind. If he could but +get his spirits into proper subjection how useful would they not +be in the patent medicine business, in the way of inventing new +remedies; how invaluable would they be to an editor; in fact, how +particularly useful in almost any kind of business. + +But his great plan was to train a corps of light-footed and +gentle ghosts to carry news; they would of course beat locomotives, +carrier pigeons, and electric telegraphs out of sight; seas, +mountains, and such trifling obstacles would be no hindrance to +them, and the Associated Press, to say nothing of the Board of +Brokers, would pay handsomely for their services. Of course a +ghost with any pretensions to speed would bring us detailed news +from London in half-an-hour or so, without putting himself out of +breath in the least, thus beating the telegraph by a length. And +so Johannes, fully determined on this promising scheme, began to +cast about him for a medium who was acquainted in the spirit +sphere, to introduce him to some of the eligible ghosts. + +He knew that most of the clairvoyant women are "mediums," and +thought very naturally that women who already earned their living +by clairvoyance, would be the very ones to enter heart and soul +with him into his spiritualistic scheme. + +Yes, he would marry a medium, and if she was a professional +clairvoyant, so much the better, his bow would have another +string. + +In his search for a witch-wife he would not have been justified +in interfering at all with the clairvoyants had it not been for +the fact that they mix a little witchcraft with their regular +business. Their ostensible trade is to diagnose and prescribe for +different varieties of internal disease, and so this particular +branch of humbug would not have come within the scope of the +voyager's investigations, were it not that several of these +practitioners advertise to "tell the past, present, and future, +describe the future husband or wife, mark out correctly the exact +course of future life, give unerring advice about business, +absent friends, etc." + +All this had too strong a savor of witchcraft to be ignored, and +accordingly Johannes set forth on his journey to visit another of +these mysteriously clear-sighted persons, keeping in view all the +time the probabilities of her being an A 1 spiritual medium, and +the very person whose aid would be invaluable in his new +journalistic enterprise. + +Mrs. Seymour, of No. 110 Spring Street, was the person towards +whose house the Cash Customer bent his steps, after reading the +subjoined advertisement of her powers and capabilities. + + "CLAIRVOYANCE.--MRS. SEYMOUR, 110 Spring Street, a few + doors west of Broadway, the most successful medical and + business Clairvoyant in America. All diseases + discovered and cured, if curable; unerring advice on + business, absent friends, &c., and satisfaction in all + cases, or no charge made." + +The clairvoyant branch of the fortune-telling business seems to +require a certain amount of respectability in its practices, and +they sneer at the grosser deceptions of the more vulgar of the +necromantic trade. They keep aloof from the greasier sisters of +the profession, and they feel it due to the dignity of their +station to reject the cards, the magic mirrors, the Bibles and +keys, the mysterious pebbles and the other tricks which do well +enough for twenty-five cent customers; to sojourn in reputable +streets, in respectable houses, and to have clean faces when +visitors come in. There are, it is true, clairvoyants in the city +who live wretchedly in miserable cellars, whose garments and very +hair are populated with various specimens of animated nature, and +whose bodies are so filthy that the beholder wonders why the +spirits, which are so often disconnected from them and sent on +far-off missions, do not avail themselves of the leave of absence +to desert for ever such unsavory corporeal habitations. But the +majority of these persons prefer parlors to basements, and make +up the difference in expenses by double-charging their customers. +Many of them, as before stated, combine a little spiritualism of +the other sort with the clairvoyance, and they can all go into a +trance on short notice and rhapsodize with all the fervor if not +the eloquence of Mrs. Cora Hatch; they can all do the table-tipping +trick, and are up to more rappings than the Rochester Fox girls +ever thought of. For these several reasons therefore Mrs. Seymour +would be a wife worth having, or at least so thought Johannes as +he pondered these truths, and arranged in his mind his plan of +attack on the affections of that susceptible lady. + +The house No. 110 Spring Street, occupied by Mrs. Seymour for +business purposes, is not more seedy in appearance than the +majority of half-way decent tenant houses, which all have a +decrepit look after they are four or five years old, as though +youthful dissipations had made them weak in the joints. From +appearances, Mrs. Seymour's house had been more than commonly +rakish in its juvenility, but it still had that look of better +days departed, which, in the human kind, is peculiar to decayed +ministers of the gospel. It is a house where a man on a small +salary would apply for cheap board. Hither the inquirer repaired, +and shamefacedly knocked at the door, and was admitted by a +frowzy, coarse, plump, semi-respectable girl, who would have been +the better for a washing. She opened the door and the customer +entered the reception-room, and had ample time before the +appearance of the mistress to take an observation. + +The parlor was neatly, though rather scantily furnished, with a +rigid economy in the article of chairs. The apartment communicated +by folding-doors with another room, whence could be heard an iron +noise as of some one scraping a saucepan with a kitchen-spoon. +The frowzy girl disappeared into this retired spot, and in about +the space of time that would be occupied by an enterprising woman +in rolling down her sleeves, taking off her apron, and washing +her hands, the door opened, and Mrs. Seymour presented herself. + +She was a frigid-looking woman, of about 35 years of age, with +dark hair and eyes, projecting lips and heavy chin, and was of +medium height and size. Her appearance was perhaps lady-like, her +movements slow and well considered. She was perfectly self-possessed +and calculating, and appeared to cherish no dissatisfaction with +herself. Her demeanor, on the whole, was repelling and chilly, +and impressed her visitor very much as if some one had slipped a +lump of ice down his back and made him sit on it till it melted. + +She regarded him with a look of professional suspicion, cast her +eye round the room with a quick glance, which instantly +inventoried everything therein contained, as though to assure +herself of the safety of any small articles which might be +scattered about, and then seated herself with an air of +preparedness, as if she was perfectly on guard and not to be +taken by surprise by anything that might occur. She volunteered a +frozen remark or two about the state of the weather, and then +subsided into silence, evidently waiting to hear the object of +the visit. + +Her appearance and demeanor had instantly frozen out of the +voyager's mind all thoughts of marriage; he would as soon have +wedded an iceberg, or have taken to his heart of hearts a +thermometer with its mercury frozen solid. All he could do was to +buy a dollar's worth of her clairvoyance and then get out. + +As soon therefore as the first chill had passed off, and he had +thawed out a few words for immediate use he asked for a little of +that commodity. + +When as he announced that he desired to know about the present +well or ill of some absent friends, and that clairvoyance was the +branch of her business which would on this occasion be called +into requisition, she rose from her seat, walked to the door, +never taking her eyes from the hands and pockets of her customer, +and called to some one to come in. In obedience to the summons, +the frowzy girl entered; this latter individual, since her first +appearance, had taken off her apron and pinned some kind of a +collar around her neck, but had not yet found time to comb her +hair, which was exceedingly demonstrative, and forced itself upon +attention. + +Mrs. Seymour seated herself in a rocking-chair and closed her +eyes; the plump girl stood behind her and pressed her thumbs +firmly upon the temples of Mrs. S. for about two minutes, during +which time this latter lady lost every instant something of life +and animation, until at last she froze up entirely. Then the +frowzy girl made one or two mysterious mesmeric passes over the +sleeping beauty from her head to her feet, to fix her in the +iceberg state; then placing the hand of Mrs. S. in the palm of +the customer, she left the room. + +The worst of it was that Mrs. Seymour's hand is not an agreeable +one to hold; it is cold and flabby, and not suggestive of +vitality. Her face, too, had become pallid and corpse-like, and +her thin blue lips were not pleasant to regard. Johannes was +puzzled; he didn't know what to do with the flabby hand, and how +he was to get any information about absent friends from a +fast-asleep woman he did not, as yet, exactly comprehend. At this +juncture, the lips asked, "Where am I to go to?" The sitter +suppressed a sulphurous reply, and substituted, "To Minnesota." +Thereupon, without any more definite direction as to what part of +that rather extensive territory she was expected to visit, she +sent her spirit off, and immediately uttered these words: + +"I see two old people, two _very_ old people--one is a man and +one is a woman; one of them has been very sick of bilious fever, +but is now better, and will soon be quite well again. I can't +tell exactly how these people look except that they are very old +and both are very grey. They may be husband and wife. I think +they are. They are both sitting down now. I also see two young +people--one of them is a male and the other a female. The male I +do not perceive very plainly, and I cannot make out much about +him; he seems to be standing up and looking very sad, but I can't +tell you a great deal about him. The female I can see much +better, and can make out more about. She is tall, and has dark +hair. She appears to be connected in some way to the old people, +but I do not think she is related to the young man, though I +cannot exactly make out. She is a very agreeable-looking female, +rather pretty, I should say, if not positively handsome. She has +straight hair and does not wear curls. She is standing up now, +and appears to be talking to the young man, who has his back +partly turned toward her. I don't quite make out what they are +saying. She has had a very severe attack of sickness, but has +nearly or quite recovered. She is not, however, what I should +call a healthy female, and she will soon have another fit of +sickness, which will be worse than the first, and will bring her +very low indeed--very near to death. But she will not die then, +though she is not what I should call a long-lived person. She +will certainly die in six or eight years. What disease she will +die of I can't just make out, but it will not be of a lingering +character: it will carry her off suddenly. These people are all +very anxious about you, as if you was one of their family. They +have not heard from you lately, and are looking daily for +intelligence from you. They have written to you twice within +three months. One of the letters got to this city--a man took it +out of the mail. I don't know where he took it out, and I can't +exactly describe the man, but a man took it out of the mail. +These people are not satisfied to live where they are now; they +are discontented with the country, and will return here in the +Spring. They are talking about it now. They would like to come +back this Winter, but circumstances are so that they cannot. You +may be sure, however, that you will see them here in the Spring. +There is no doubt of it; they will come here in the Spring. The +other letter that I told you of that they had written has got +here safe, and is now in the Post-Office. You will find it there +if you inquire; you will be sure to get it as soon as you go down +to the office." + +This was delivered in a very jerky manner, with occasional +twitchings of the face and violent claspings of the hand, which +her visitor retained, although it gave him a cold sweat to do it. +Johannes, who has friends in Minnesota, and whose questions were +therefore all in good faith, tried to get the sleeping female to +descend a little more to particulars, to describe individuals or +localities minutely enough to be recognised if the descriptions +approached the truth; but Mrs. Seymour was not to be caught in +this manner. She invariably dodged the question, and dealt only +in the most vague and uncertain generalities--giving no +description of persons or things that might not have applied with +equal accuracy to a hundred other persons or things in that or +any other locality. Her assertions concerning the persons +supposed to be her customer's friends did not approach the truth +in any one particular; nor was there the slightest shadow of even +probability in any single statement she uttered. She is not, +however, a woman to lack customers, so long as there remain in +the world fools of either sex. + +When the inquirer had concluded his questioning, he was somewhat +at a loss how to awake the woman from her trance, but she solved +that little difficulty herself by opening her eyes (as if she had +been wide awake all the time) and calling for the beauteous +maiden of the snarly hair, who accordingly appeared and made a +few mysterious mesmeric passes lengthwise of her sleeping +mistress, and awoke her to the necessity of dunning her visitor, +which she did instantly and with a relish. He paid the demanded +dollar and departed. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +Describes Madame Carzo, the Brazilian Astrologist, of No. 151 +Bowery, and gives all the romantic adventures of the "Individual" +with that gay South American Naiad. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +MADAME CARZO, THE BRAZILIAN ASTROLOGIST, No. 151 BOWERY. + + +The illustrious lady who is the subject of the present chapter, +came to the city of New York in 1856, and at once took lodgings +and began business in the fortune-telling way. She did well, +pecuniarily speaking, for a time, but the details of a visit to +her having been published at length in one of the daily journals, +she at once retired from the business, and subsided into private +life. She is not now extant as a witch, and it is not impossible +that she is earning an honester living in other ways. + +The newspaper article that convinced her of the error of her +ways, and induced her to give up fortune-telling, is the +subjoined chapter by the "Individual:" + + +He meets a Yankee-Brazilian. She is not ill-looking, etc. + +Whether the budding beauties of maidenhood are inconsistent with +the orgies of witchcraft; whether there be an irreconcilable +antagonism between youth and loveliness, and the unknown +mysteries of the black art, is a vexed question of some interest. +Can't a woman be supposed to indulge in a little devilment before +her hair turns grey, and her teeth fall out? and is it impossible +for her to have reliable and trustworthy dealings with Old +Scratch until she is wrinkled and withered? + +That's what I want to know. + +And I am very naturally urged to the inquiry by the observation +that every professional witch in New York calls herself a +"Madame." There is not a "Miss" or a "Mademoiselle," in the whole +batch. They all make a pretence of being widows, or wives at the +very least, as if a certain amount of matrimonial tribulation was +indispensable to their accomplishment in the arts of sorcery and +magic. The only exception to this rule is found in the person of +a female calling herself "The Gipsy Girl," who is otherwheres +mentioned, and in _her_ case the several agencies of nature, rum, +and small-pox have made her so strikingly ugly that old age could +not add a single other trait of repulsiveness to her excruciating +features. + +Now this is all a sad mistake. Let some young and undeniably +pretty girl go into the business, and she'd soon get a run of +exclusive customers who would stand any price and pay without +grumbling. If the original Satan should refuse to recognise her +eligibility, and should decline to furnish her with the requisite +quantity of diabolic knowledge to set her up in business, she +could easily find an opposition devil who would provide her stock +in trade, and possibly at something less than the usual rates. +I'll be bound that Lucifer doesn't monopolize the whole trade in +witchcraft, and pocket all the profits himself; for if some of +the numerous clerks in his employ haven't yet learned the trick +of stealing the stock and selling it at a reduced price, then the +young gentlemen of our earthly mercantile houses are a good deal +up-to-snuffer than the virtuous demons of Mr. Satan's establishment. +This last-named dealer generally demands the soul of the contracting +party in return for the powers and privileges conferred; and in +very many cases he must get decidedly the worst of the bargain, +for some of his precious adopted children never had soul enough +to pay for the ink to sign it away with; but there is no doubt, +in case a brisk competition should arise for customers, that some +of his cashiers and head-clerks would contrive to under-sell him +even at this price. + +The person who is so very anxious to effect this desirable +consummation, and to bring on a crop of young and pretty witches +to supersede the grizzled ones of this present generation was +Johannes, who had of late been getting rather sick of the +"Madames," and would prefer, if possible, to have the rest of his +fortunes told by ladies of tenderer age, and greater inexperience +in the ways of the world. + +However, he was not the man to be deterred, in his pursuit of +wisdom, by the age and ugliness, grey hairs, wrinkles, false +teeth, _no_ teeth, dirt, ignorance, and imbecility he had +encountered, and he was determined to go on to the very end and +see if these are the sum total of modern witchcraft. + +And then _duns_ came o'er the spirit of his dream, and fond +visions of sundry small debts, paid by magic and a wife, as soon +as he should succeed in finding the wife who had the magic, +floated across his hard-up brain, and encouraged him to +perseverance in his matrimonial quest. And when he had won that +invaluable lady, he would stuff his mattress with receipted +bills, and cram his pillow with cancelled notes, lie down to +pleasant dreams, and awake to ready cash. + +Sweet thought! + +So he made ready to visit the humble abode of MADAME CARZO, THE +BRAZILIAN ASTROLOGIST, _No. 151 Bowery_. + +To say that he discovered, in this lady, the ideal of his search, +that he found her handsome, intelligent, learned in the stars and +thoroughly posted in the other branches of her trade, would be +to anticipate. Suffice to say that boa-constrictors, half-naked +savages, dye-woods, Jesuit's bark, cockatoos, scorpions and +ring-tailed monkeys, are not, as he had hitherto supposed, the +only contributions to the happiness of mankind afforded by South +America, for the Province of Brazil grows fortune-tellers of a +very superior quality as to respectability and neatness of +appearance. A Brazilian witch was something new, and without +stopping to inquire how she had strayed so far away from home, he +immediately argued that that single fact was decidedly in her +favor. Thus ran the logic: + +If there be any diabolism in modern witchcraft, the practisers +thereof who have received their education in tropical latitudes +ought to be the most worthy of credence and belief, inasmuch as +the temperature of their places of residence seems to afford a +supposition that they live nearer head-quarters, and are, +therefore, most likely to receive information by the shortest +routes. + +By the time he arrived at the spot where the great astrologist +condescended to abide, he had, by this course of reasoning, +convinced himself that he ought to place implicit confidence in +any revelations of the future made by the mysterious woman who +advertised herself and her calling, daily in the papers as +follows: + + "MADAME CARZO, the gifted Brazilian Astrologist, tells + the fate of every person who visits her with wonderful + accuracy, about love, marriage, business, property, + losses, things stolen, luck in lotteries, absent + friends, at No. 151 Bowery, corner of Broome." + +The South American lady had located her mysterious self in a +fragrant spot. + +The corner of Bowery and Broome Street and vicinity seems to have +some kind of a constitutional disorder, and it relieves itself by +a cutaneous eruption of low rum shops and pustulous beer saloons, +which always look as if they ought to be squeezed and rubbed with +ointment of red lead. To an observing person it appears as if the +city wanted to scratch itself in that particular part to relieve +the local irritation, and then ought, for the sake of its general +health, to take a large dose of brimstone immediately afterward. +The liquors sold at these places are those pure and healthful +beverages, "warranted to kill at forty rods," and are the very +drinks with which a convivial, but revengeful man, would wish to +regale his friend against whom he held a secret grudge. Why +Madame Carzo had chosen this particular locality, does not +appear; perhaps because the liquor was cheap and the rent low. +Certain it is that there she sat, at a window overlooking the +Bowery, in full view of all the pedestrians in the street and the +passengers in the 4th Avenue Railroad. + +Madame Carzo was, doubtless, deeply attached to her old Brazilian +home, and loved to surround herself with circumstances and things +that would constantly and vividly recall pleasant memories of her +southern country. Cherishing, probably, kindly and regretful +remembrances of the harmless reptiles of her own Brazilian +forests, she had taken up her abode in the very thick of the +Bowery bar-rooms, as the only things afforded by our frigid +climate, at all approaching in life-destroying malignity the +speedier venoms to which she had been accustomed in her +delightful southern home. First-rate facilities for drugging a +man into a state of crazy madness are offered at the bar across +the way; he may swill himself into a condition of beastly +stupidity with lager beer from next door below; he may be +pleasantly poisoned by degrees with the drugged alcohol, in +various forms, which is sold next door above; or he may be more +speedily disposed of with a couple of doses of "doctored" whiskey +from the festering den just round the corner. Lucrezia Borgia was +a novice, a mere babe in toxicology. New York wholesale liquor +dealers could teach her the alphabet in the fine art of slow +poisoning. She would no longer need the subtle chemistry of the +Borgias; she could learn of them to poison wholesale and to do +the work by labor-saving machinery. + +Johannes, resolved that if he should marry the astrologist he +would move out of the neighborhood, and take a house in a cleaner +part of the city, for he felt that if he had to do even the +courting here, he would have to fumigate himself after every +visit to his lady-love as though he had just come out of a +yellow-fever ship. He knew that if he should chance to meet the +Health Officer in the street after a two hours' stay in that +locality, that trusty official would, from the unhealthy smell of +his coat, quarantine him for forty days, and put him up to his +neck in a barrel of chloride of lime every morning. + +But a full-fledged Cupid is a plucky animal, and not easily +killed by anything no more tangible than smell, and the +particular Cupid that had possession of the voyager's heart came +of a long-suffering breed, and was equal to almost any emergency. +So as Johannes did not feel his ardent passion die, or even turn +sick at the stomach, he thought he could manage to get through. +If he couldn't get along any other way, he could fill his pockets +with brimstone matches, and his boots full of blue vitriol. Or +he could carry a bunch of Chinese fire-crackers in his hat, and +touch them off on the sly whenever he felt himself in need of a +healthy smell. Then he could wash himself all over in lime-water, +and drink a quart or so of some liquid disinfectant every time he +came away. So he went ahead. + +Madame Carzo, the Brazilian interpreter of Yankee fate and +fortunes, lives in the third story of the house No. 151 Bowery, +with her sister, a girl of about fifteen years of age. The two +occupy themselves with plain sewing, except when the Madame is +overhauling the future and taking a look at the hereafter of some +anxious inquirer, who pays her as much for the reliable +information she imparts in three minutes, as she would charge him +for making three shirts. The inquirer gave his customary modest +ring at the door, and was admitted with as little question as if +he had been the taxes, the Croton water, or the gas. Up the two +flights of stairs walked the gentleman in the pursuit of +witchcraft, gave a bashful knock at the door, at the side of +which was painted, on a small bit of pasteboard, "Madame +Carzo"--repented of his temerity before the echo of the knock had +died away, but was admitted into the room before his repentance +had time to develop itself into running away. + +A shabby-looking girl, with her hair in as much confusion as if +the city had contracted to keep it straight, with one ear-ring in +her ear, and the other on the table, with her shoes down at the +heel, her dress unhooked behind, and her breast-pin wrong side +up, was the model young woman who had answered the knock. She had +evidently been engaged in an animated single combat with another +young woman, of about the same quality and age, who was seated on +a low stool in the corner, for she instantly renewed hostilities +by stabbing her antagonist in the arm with a needle, tapping her +on the head with a thimble, and kicking her pin-cushion under the +table, so she could not recover it without crawling on her hands +and knees. + +On a small sofa or lounge at the side of the room was a quantity +of what ladies call "work," thrown down in a great hurry, with +the needle yet sticking in it, and the scissors, and the beeswax, +and the measuring tape, and the bodkin half-concealed inside, as +if the knock at the door had startled the needle-woman, and she +had flown to parts unknown. It was undoubtedly Madame Carzo +herself who had so unceremoniously deserted her colors and her +weapons, and Johannes looked at the needle with veneration, +viewed the thimble with respect, and regarded the beeswax and the +bodkin with concentrated awe. + +A small cooking-stove was in the side of the room, and +immediately over it was a picture of St. Andrew in such a +position that he could smell all the dinners; a number of other +pictures of Roman Catholic subjects were neatly framed and +hanging against the wall. St. Somebody taking his ease on an +X-shaped cross, St. Somebody Else comfortably cooking on a +gridiron, and St. Somebody, different from either of these, +impaled on a spear like a bug in an Entomological Museum. There +was also an atrocious colored print labelled "Millard Fillmore," +which, if it at all resembled that venerated gentleman, must +have been taken when he had the measles, complicated with the +mumps and toothache, and was attired in a sky-blue coat, a red +cravat, yellow vest, and butternut-colored pantaloons. + +The room was neatly furnished with carpet, table, chairs, cheap +mirror, and a lounge. While the visitor was taking this +observation, the two young ladies before mentioned had continued +to spar after a feminine fashion, and had finished about three +rounds; the model, who had answered the bell, had got the other +one, who was black-haired and vicious, under the table, and was +following up her advantage by sticking a bodkin into the tender +places on her feet and ancles. When the model had at length +thoroughly subjugated and subdued the black-haired one, and +reduced her to a state of passive misery, she turned to her +visitor with an amiable smile, and asked him if he desired to see +the Madame. Receiving an affirmative reply, she gave a sly kick +to her fallen foe, stepped on her toes under pretence of moving +away a chair, and then disappeared into another room to inform +Madame Carzo that visitors and dollars were awaiting her +respectful consideration in the anteroom. + +The "gifted Brazilian astrologist" regarded the suggestion with a +favorable eye, for the model soon reappeared and showed the +searcher after hidden knowledge into a bedroom nearly dark, +wherein were several dresses hanging on the wall, a bed, two +chairs, a table, and Madame Carzo. The light was so arranged as +to fall directly in the face of the stranger, while the +countenance of the Madame was, to a certain extent, hidden in +shadow. + +Johannes, nevertheless, in spite of this disadvantage, by careful +observation, is enabled to give a tolerably accurate description +of Madame Carzo, as follows: She is a tall, comely-looking woman, +with unusually large black eyes, clear complexion, dark hair worn +_a la Jenny Lind_, a small hand, clean, and with the nails +trimmed, and she has a low sweet voice. Her dress was lady-like, +being a neat half-mourning plaid, with a plain linen collar at +the neck, turned smoothly over; altogether, Madame Carzo, the +Brazilian astrologist, who speaks without a symptom of foreign +accent, impressed her customer as being a transplanted Yankee +school ma'am, with shrewdness enough to see that while civilization +and enlightenment would only pay her twenty dollars a month, and +superstition and ignorance would give her twice that sum in a +week, she couldn't, of course, afford to live in a civilized and +enlightened neighborhood, and depend exclusively on civilization +and enlightenment for a living. + +And Johannes was smitten, he had found her, and if his fortune +was propitious he would yet win and wed the Brazilian astrologist, +and she should have the honor of paying his debt, and earning his +bread and butter. But he would make no advances yet for fear of +accidents; he would not commit himself until he had called upon +the rest of the witches on his list, to see, if perchance, he +might not find one more eligible. If not, then by all means +Madame Carzo should be the chosen one. The first thing evidently +was to ascertain her proficiency in the magic arts. + +The sorceress and the anxious inquirer seated themselves face to +face, and the following dialogue ensued: "Do you wish to consult +me, Sir?" "Yes." + +"My terms are a dollar for gentlemen." + +The expected dollar was handed over, when the 'cute Yankeeism of +the Brazilian lady blazed out brilliantly, for she instantly +produced a "Thompson's Bank-note Detector" from under a pillow, +and a one dollar note, issued by the President and Directors of +the "Quinnipiack Bank" of Connecticut, underwent a severe +scrutiny. At last the genuineness of the bill and the solvency of +the bank were certified to the Madame's satisfaction, in his +oracular pamphlet, by Thompson with a "p," and Madame Carzo was +evidently satisfied that her customer didn't mean to swindle her, +but was good for small debts not exceeding one dollar each. +Accordingly she took his left hand, regarded it for some time, +apparently delighted with its model symmetry, but at last so far +conquered her silent admiration as to speak and say: + +"You were born under two planets, Moon and Mars, Moon brings you +a great deal of trouble in the early part of your life. Moon has +occasioned a great deal of anxiety to your parents on your +account. Moon made you liable to accidents and misfortunes while +you was a boy, and Moon will give you great trouble until you +arrive at middle age. You were born, I should say, across the +water, and you will die across the water in a city, but not a +great city. You are, I should say, now far away from that city, +and from your home, and parents, and friends, who are, I should +say, all now far across the water. You will be sure, however, I +should say, for to see them all before you die, and to die in the +city that I told you of. Your line of life runs to 60; you will, +I should say, live to be 60, but not much after. Moon will cause +you much trouble for many years, but you will be certain for to +succeed well in the end, I should say. You will be certain for to +have final success and to conquer every obstacle, in spite of +Moon, I should say." + +Incensed as was Johannes at Moon for thus unjustifiably +interfering with his prospects and meddling with his private +affairs, he still admired the more the profitable science of the +wonderful lady whose acquirements in magic had given her so +intimate an acquaintance with Moon, as to enable her to tell so +exactly the plans and intentions of that unruly and adverse +planet. + +He mastered his indignation and listened attentively to the +sequel. + +On the small stand were two packs of cards of different sizes, +and a volume of Byron. Madame Carzo took up one pack of the +cards, presented them to the young man, waited for them to be cut +three times, after which she said: + +"You face up a good fortune I should say, you have had trouble +but can now, I should say, see the end of it--you face up money, +which is coming to you from over the water, I should say, and you +will be sure for to get it before a great while. You will never +have much money from relations or friends, though you will, I +should say, perhaps have some--but though you will handle a great +deal of money in your lifetime you will make the most of it +yourself, I should say--you will not, however, I should say, ever +be able for to become very rich, for you will never be able for +to keep money, although you will have the handling of a great +deal in your life. No, I am certain that you will never be rich." + +Here Johannes remembered the malicious influence of Moon upon his +fortunes, and as he clinched his fists, felt as if he would like +to get at the man who resides in that ill-conditioned planet, and +have a back-hold wrestle with him on stony ground. + +But the astrologist continued thus: "You face up a letter; you +also face up good news which is to come speedily I should say; +you don't face up a sick bed, or a coffin, or a funeral, or any +kind of immediate bad luck that I am able to see. You face up two +men, one dark and one light complexioned. You must beware of the +dark-complexioned man, for I should say he will do you an injury +if you allow him for to have a chance. You like to study: the +kind of business you would do best in is _doctor_. You face up a +light-complexioned lady; you will, I should say, be able to marry +this lady, though a dark-complexioned man stands in the way. You +must, I should say, be particularly careful to beware of the +dark-complexioned man. You will be married twice; your first wife +will die, but your last wife, I should say, will be likely for to +outlive you. You will have three children, which will be all, I +should say, that you will be likely for to have." + +And this was all for the present, except that she told her +visitor that he might draw thirteen cards, and make a wish, which +he did, and she, on carefully examining the cards, told him that +he would certainly have his wish. + +Cheered by this last grateful promise, and bidding a mental +defiance to Moon, the traveller left the room. In the reception +chamber he found the model and the black-eyed one just coming to +time for what he should judge was the twenty-seventh round, both +much damaged in the hair, but plucky to the last. + +Johannes walked briskly away, feeling that his matrimonial +prospects were brighter now than for many a day, and fully +determined that if, on going further he fared worse, he would +certainly retrace his steps and wed Madame Carzo off-hand. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +In which is set down the prophecy of Madame Leander Lent, of No. +163 Mulberry Street; and how she promised her Customer numerous +Wives and Children. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +MADAME LEANDER LENT, No. 163 MULBERRY STREET. + + +I have before suggested, in as plain terms as the peculiar nature +of the subject will allow, that these fortune-telling women, +having most of them been prostitutes in their younger days, in +their withered age become professional procuresses, and make a +trade of the betrayal of innocence into the power of Lust and +Lechery. This assertion is so eminently probable that few will be +inclined to dispute it, but I wish to be understood that this is +no matter of mere surmise with me--it is a proven fact. And the +evidences of its truth have been gathered, not alone from the +formal and hurried records of the police courts, but from the +lips of certain inmates of various Magdalen Asylums who have +been reclaimed from their former homes of shame; and from the +mouths of other repentant women, who, under circumstances where +there was no object to deceive, and at times when their hearts +were full of grateful love for those who had interposed to save +them from utter despair, have in all simple truthfulness and +honor, related their life-histories. It is impossible to give +even a plausible guess at the aggregate number of young women, in +this great city, who compromise their honorable reputations in +the course of a single year; but of those whose shame becomes +publicly known, and especially of those who eventually enter +houses of ill-repute, the percentage whose fall was accomplished +through the instrumentality, more or less direct, of the +professional fortune-tellers, is astounding. And a curious fact +connected with this subject is, that of these unfortunates who +thus wander astray, not one in ten but has ever after the most +superstitious and implicit faith in the supernatural powers of +the witch. Each one sees in her own case certain things that have +been foretold to her by the fortune-teller with such circumstantiality +of time and place, and which have afterwards "come to pass," so +exactly in accordance with the prophecy, that she can only +account for it by ascribing supernatural prescience to the +prophetess. + +The true solution of the matter is, of course, that the wonderful +fulfilments are achieved by means of confederacy and collusion +with parties with whom the dupe is never brought in contact; a +common _modus operandi_ of this sort is elsewhere described. + +Nor are the fortune-tellers and the brothel-keepers by any means +content with playing into each other's hands in a general sort of +way; there are, in New York, several _firms_, consisting each of +a fortune-teller and a mistress of a bawdy-house, who have +entered into a perfectly organized business partnership, and who +ply their fearful trade with as much zeal and enthusiasm as is +ever exhibited in the active competition between rival commercial +houses engaged in legitimate trade. + +Although this fact is one that cannot be substantiated by the +production of any sworn documents, it is as well proven by the +observations of keen-eyed detectives attached to the police +department, and to some of the charitable institutions of this +city, as though attested articles of co-partnership could be +exhibited with the signatures of the contracting parties attached +thereto. A gentleman of this city, in whose word I have the most +perfect confidence, tells me that he once, by a curious accident, +overheard a business consultation between the two members of such +a firm; and that such partnerships _do_ exist, and that by their +means hundreds of ignorant young women, of the lower classes, are +every year betrayed to their moral ruin, I no more doubt than I +doubt the rotundity of the earth. + +If the illustrious woman who is the subject of the present +chapter should ever surmise that the foregoing observations are +intended to have a personal application to herself, the author +will give her much more credit for sagacity and discernment than +he did for supernatural wisdom. + +Madame Leander Lent is one of the most shrewd, unscrupulous, and +dirty of all the goodly sisterhood of New York witches. She has +so great a run of customers that her doors are often besieged by +anxious inquirers as early as eight o'clock in the morning, and +the servant is frequently puzzled to find room and chairs to +accommodate the shame-faced throng, till her ladyship sees fit to +get out of bed and begin the labors of the day. She is then +impartial in the distribution of her favors; the audiences are +governed by barber-shop rules, and the visitors are admitted to +the presence in the order of their coming, and any one going out +forfeits his or her "turn" and on returning must take position at +the tail end of the queue. + +The Fates show no favoritism. + +The quarter in which Madame Lent has domiciled herself and her +familiars, is by no means in the most aristocratic part of the +city. "Mulberry," is the pomological name of the street, and it +has never been celebrated for its cleanliness or for its +eligibility as a site for princely mansions. In fact it has +been, on the whole, rather neglected by that class of society who +generally indulge in palatial luxuries. + +Hercules, in his capacity of an amateur scavenger, once attempted +the cleaning of the Augean stables, or some such trifle, and his +success was trumpeted throughout the neighborhood as a triumph of +ingenuity and perseverance. If Hercules would come to Gotham and +try his hand at the purgation of Mulberry Street, our word for +it, he would, in less than a week, knock out his brains with his +own club in utter despair. + +There never yet were swine with stomachs strong enough to feed +upon the garbage of its gutters, or with instincts so perverted +as to wallow in its filth. Dogs, lean and wild-eyed, the outcasts +of the canine world, sometimes, driven by sore stress of hunger, +sneak here with drooping tails and shame-faced looks, to search +for bones, and then, wounded in their self-respect by the very +act, they drag their osseous provender to a distance, and upon +some sunny mud-heap, dine in dainty neatness. The very pavement +is broken into countless hillocks and ruts like waves, as if, in +utter disgust at the place and its associations, the street was +trying to roll itself away in stony billows. The shattered wrecks +of worn-out drays and carts stand forsaken in the street, keeping +each other dismal company, while an occasional shackly wheelbarrow +makes the place look as though, after some monstrous fashion, it +were a lying-in hospital for poverty-stricken vehicles, and the +wheelbarrows were the new-born children, decrepit even in their +babyhood. The houses in this pleasant vale have a disheartened +tumble-down look, and give the impression of having been +originally built by apprentices out of second-hand material. They +lean maliciously over the narrow sidewalks, and keep up a +constant threatening of a sudden collapse and a general smash of +passers-by. If the houses are not dirtier than the street, it is +only because every possible element of filth enters into the +latter; if they are not dirtier inside than outside, it is +because superlatives have no superlative. + +Pawnbrokers' shops are plentiful, kept always by sharp-featured +restless Jews, who watch for unwary passers-by like unclean +beasts crouching in noisome, dangerous lairs; while bar-rooms +yawn in frequent cellars to devour bodily the victims the Jews +only rob. + +In this, one of the dirtiest streets in this dirty metropolis, +directly opposite the English Lutheran Church of St. James, in +one of the dirtiest tenant-houses in the street, abideth Madame +Leander Lent, the prophetess. Why the mysterious powers didn't +select an earthly representative with a more reputable dwelling-place +is a mystery; but there seems to be an inseparable congeniality +between prophetic knowledge and concentrated nastiness, utterly +beyond all power of explanation. The Madame advises the public of +her business in the terms following: + + "ASTROLOGY.--Madame LEANDER LENT can be consulted about + love, marriage, and absent friends; she tells all the + events of life at No. 169 Mulberry-st., first floor, + back room. Ladies 25 cents; gents 50 cents. She causes + speedy marriage. Charge extra." + +Her customers are much more addicted to love than marriage, so +that the wedlock clause cannot be relied on to bring many fish to +the net, but it is supposed to give an air of respectability to +the advertisement. + +The Cash Customer was, perhaps, an exception to this general +rule, and feeling that he would on the whole rather like a +"speedy marriage," and wouldn't so much mind the "extra charge," +he went, in cold blood, with this matrimonial intent to the +street, found the number, and heroically entered the house in the +very face of a threatened unclean baptism from the upper windows. + +His timid knock at the door of the room was answered by a sturdy +"Come in," from the inside; hat deferentially in hand he modestly +entered, and was received by a fat woman with a bust of +proportions exceeding those of Mrs. Merdle in "Little Dorrit," +and who was attired in a dress which may have been clean in the +earlier years of its history, though the supposition is +exceedingly apocryphal. This lady pointed to a chair, and then +composedly seated herself and resumed her explorations with a +comb, in the hair of a vicious boy of about three years old, the +eldest scion of Madame Leander. + +Her enthusiasm in the cause of entomological science was too +ardent to be quenched by the mere presence of an observer, and +she continued to hunt her insect prey with all the ardor of a +she-Nimrod, and with a zeal that was rewarded by a brilliant +success. The youth, over whose fertile head the game seemed to +rove and range in countless numbers, was somewhat restless under +the operation, and oftentimes disturbed the eager sportswoman by +manifesting a desire to run into the street and carry the +hunting-ground with him, and was as often recalled to a sense of +the proprieties by a few judicious slaps, which he stoically +endured without a whimper, being evidently used to it. + +This feminine lover of the chase, this Diana of the fiery scalp, +looked up from her occupations long enough to say to her visitor +that Madame Lent would soon be disengaged. Meantime, he made a +careful survey of the premises. + +Two chairs, an old lounge with its dingy red cover fastened on +with pins, and a trunk covered with an old bit of carpet, were +the accommodations for seating visitors. A cooking-stove, and a +suspicious-looking wash-bowl which stood in the corner of the +room, without a pitcher, were probably for the accommodation of +the Madame and the lady with the comb. On the shabby lounge sat a +stolid-looking Irish girl, who was waiting her turn to have her +fortune told. Having fully comprehended the room and everything +in it, the visitor turned his attention to literary pursuits, and +thoroughly perused an odd copy of a newspaper that lay invitingly +on the table. + +Visitors kept dropping in, mostly servant-appearing girls, though +there were three women attired in silk and laces, who would have +appeared respectable had their faces been hidden and their +conversation been suppressed. The lady with the comb and the boy +presently departed to some unknown region, and soon returned +with a reinforcement of chairs and stools. The number of visitors +increased, until, besides the original stranger, nine were +waiting. Among others, there came, in a friendly way, but still +with a sharp eye to business, a tall woman, attired in a red +dress and a purple bonnet, who is the keeper of a well-known +house in Sullivan street, and whose name is not strange to the +police. An unrestrained business conversation ensued between her +and the heroine of the comb, which must have been interesting to +the female listeners. + +One hour and eleven minutes did the Cash Customer patiently wait +before he was admitted to the mysterious conference with the +queen of magic. At last, after the man who was at first closeted +with her had concluded his inquiries, and the stolid Irish girl +had been disposed of, the woman with the suggestive bust beckoned +the long-suffering and patient man to follow, and he fearfully +entered the sanctum. + +The room of conjuration was a closet, dark and dirty, and was +lighted by one tallow candle, stuck in a Scotch ale bottle. A +number of shabby dresses, bony petticoats, and other mysterious +articles of women's gear, hung upon the walls; two weak-kneed +chairs, a tattered bit of carpet upon about two feet square of +the floor, and a little table covered with a greasy oilcloth, +composed the furniture of the mystic cell. The cabalistic +paraphernalia was limited, there being nothing but a dirty pack +of double-headed cards, a small pasteboard box with some scraps +of paper in it, and two kinds of powder in little bottles, like +hair-oil pots. + +Madame Lent is a woman of medium height, about thirty-five years +of age, with light-grey eyes, false teeth, a head nearly bald, +and hair, what there is of it, of a bright red. Her manner is +hurried and confused, and she has a trick of drawing her upper +lip disagreeably up under the end of her nose, which labial +distortion she doubtless intends for a smile. + +She was robed in a bright-colored plaid dress, a dirty lace +collar, and a coarse woollen shawl over her shoulders. Motioning +her visitor to one chair, she instantly seated herself in the +other, and, without demanding pay in advance, commenced +operations. She handed the cards to be cut, and then laying them +out in their piles, uttered the following sentences: + +"I see that your fortune has been and is quite a curious one. +Your cards run rather mixed up, you have been very much worried +in your head, you were born under two planets, which means that +you have seen a great deal of trouble in your younger days, but +you are now getting over it and your cards run to better luck, +but it is rather mixed up, your cards run to a lady, she is +light-haired and blue-eyed, but she is jealous of you, for +sometimes you treat her more kinder and sometimes more harsher, +and just now she is in trouble and very much mixed up about you. +There is a man of black hair and eyes, a dark-_complected_ man +who pretends to be your friend and is very fair to your face, but +you must beware of him, for he is your secret enemy and will do +you an injury if he can; he is trying to get the lady, but I +don't think he'll do it, though I don't know, for the thing is +so much mixed up--he has deceived you, and the lady has deceived +you, they have both deceived you, but now they have got mixed up, +and she turns from him with scorn, and seems to like you the +best--I don't exactly see how it all is, for it seems rather mixed +up like--you must persevere, you must coax her more; you can coax +her to do anything, but you can't drive her any more than you can +drive that wall--always treat her more kinder and never more +harsher, and she will soon be yours entirely--beware of the +dark-complected man; you must not talk so much and be so open in +your mind, and above all don't talk so much to the dark-complected +man, for he seems to worry you, and your affairs and his are all +mixed up like." + +Here her auditor expressed a desire to know something definite +and certain about his future wife, whereupon the red-haired +prophetess shuffled the cards again with the following result: + +"You will have but one more wife. She will be good and true, and +will not be mixed up with any dark-complected man. She will be +rich and you will be rich, for your business cards run very +smooth, but your marriage cards do not run very close to you, and +you will not be married for six or eight months; you will have +three children; you will see your future wife within nine hours, +nine days, or nine weeks; do not blame me if it runs into the +tens, but I tell you it will fall within the nines. Another man +is trying to get her away from you, he is a light-complected man, +he has had some influence over her, but she now turns from him +with disdain, and she will be yours and yours only--things are a +little worried and mixed up now, but she will be yours and yours +only, the light-complected man can't hurt you. I have something +that I can give you that will make her love you tender and true; +it will force her to do it and she won't have no power to help +herself, but you can do with her just what you please; I charge +extra for that." + +Here was a chance to procure a love-philtre at a reasonable rate, +and unless the dark woman kept that article ready made and done +up in packages to suit customers, he could observe the terrible +ceremonies with which it was prepared, listen to the spells and +incantations with an attent eye, and take mental notes of all the +mighty magic. The opportunity was too good to be lost, and he at +once signified his desire to try a little of the extra witchcraft, +and his willingness to draw on his purse for the requisite amount +of ready cash to purchase this gratification of a laudable curiosity. + +Madame Lent now assumed an air of the most intense gravity, and +shook into a very dirty bit of paper a little white powder from +one of the pomatum pots, and a corresponding quantity of grayish +powder from pot No. 2, and stirred them carefully together with +the tip of her finger. When she had mixed them to her liking she +folded the diabolical compound in a small paper. Then she +prepared another mixture in the same manner, and made a pretence +of adding another ingredient from a little pasteboard box, which +probably hadn't had anything in it for a month. Folding this +also in a paper she presented them both to her interested guest, +with these directions: + +"You must shake some of the first powder on your true-love's +head, or neck, or arms, if you can, but if you can't manage this, +put it on her dress--the other powder you must sprinkle about your +room when you go to bed to-night--this will draw her to you, and +she will love you and you alone and can't help herself; this will +surely operate, if it don't, come and tell me." + +One more cabalistic performance and the hocus-pocus was ended. +She desired her customer to give her the first letter of his true +love's name. He, unabashed by the unexpected demand, with great +presence of mind promptly invented a sweetheart on the spot, and +extemporized a name for her before the question was repeated. +Then the mysterious Madame required his own initial, which, being +obtained, she wrote the two on slips of paper with some mystic +figures appended, in manner following. E., 17; M., 24. Then she +shiveringly whispered: + +"You must do as I told you with the powders before eleven o'clock +to-night, for between the hours of eleven and twelve I shall boil +your name and hers in herbs which will draw her to you, and she +can't help herself but will be tender and true, and will be yours +and yours only. When she is drawed to you then you must marry +her." + +The anxious inquirer promised obedience, and agreed to give the +powders as per prescription, before the midnight cookery should +commence, paid his dollar (fifty cents for the consultation and a +like sum for the love-powders), and made his exit with a +comprehensive bow, which included the Madame, the bony petticoats, +the beer-bottle, and the fast-vanishing remains of the single +tallow-candle in one reverential farewell. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +Wherein are inscribed all the particulars of a visit to the +"Gipsy Girl," of No. 207, Third Avenue, with an allusion to Gin, +and other luxuries dear to the heart of that beautiful Rover. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +THE GIPSY GIRL. + + +There is much less affectation of high-flown and lofty-sounding +names among the ladies of the black-art mysteries, than might +very naturally be expected. Most of them are content with plain +"Madame" Smith, or unadorned "Mrs." Jones, and "The Gipsy Girl" +is almost the only exception to this rule that is to be +encountered among all the fortune-tellers of the city. + +This arises from no poverty of invention on their part, but from +a sound conviction that in this case, simplicity is an element of +sound policy. There has been no lack of "mysteriously gifted +prophetesses," and of "astonishing star readers;" there have +been, I believe, within the last few years, a "Daughter of +Saturn," and a "Sorceress of the Silver Girdle;" and once the +"Queen of the Seven Mysteries" condescended to sojourn in Gotham +for five weeks, but on the whole it has been found that a more +modest title pays better. To be sure, the "Daughter of Saturn" +was tried for conspiring with two other persons to swindle an old +and wealthy gentleman out of seventeen hundred dollars, and the +"Queen of the Seven Mysteries" was dispossessed by a constable +for non-payment of rent; and these untoward circumstances may +have acted as a "modest quencher" on the then growing disposition +to indulge in fantastic and romantic appellations. + +At this present time "The Gipsy Girl" enjoys almost a monopoly of +this sort of thing, and she is by no means constant to one name, +but sometimes announces herself as "The Gipsy Woman," "The Gipsy +Palmist," and "The Gipsy Wonder," as her whim changes. + +This woman has not been in New York years enough to become +complicated in as many rascalities as some of her elder sisters +in the mystic arts, but her surroundings are of a nature to +indicate that she has not been backward in her American education +on these points. She has not been remarkably successful in making +money, as a witch; not having been educated among the strumpets +and gamblers of the city she lacked that extensive acquaintance +on going into business, that had secured for her rivals in trade +such immediate success. Her fondness for gin has also proved a +serious bar to her rapid advancement, and has given not a few of +her customers the idea that she is not so eminently trustworthy +as one having the control of the destinies of others should be. +In fact, she loves her enemy, the bottle, to that extent, that +she has many times permitted her devotion to it to interfere +seriously with her business, leading her to disappoint customers. +The quality of her sober predictions is about the same as that of +others in the same profession, but her intoxicated foretellings +are deserving of a chapter to themselves, and they shall have it, +for from force of peculiar circumstances, which will be +explained hereafter, the Cash Customer made three visits to this +celebrated woman. Her first address was 207 3d Avenue, between +Eighteenth and Nineteenth Streets. + +The Gipsy Girl! How romantically suggestive was this feminine +phrase to the fancy of an enthusiastic reporter. Was it then, +indeed, permitted that he should know Meg Merrilees in private +life? His heart danced at the poetic possibility, and his heels +would have extemporized a vigorous hornpipe but that his +saltatory ardor was quenched by the depressing sturdiness of +cow-hide boots. With the most pleasing anticipations he perused +the subjoined advertisement again and again, and looked to the +happy future with a joyful hope. + + "A Wonder--The Gipsy Girl.--If you wish to know all the + secrets of your past and future life, the knowledge of + which may save you years of sorrow and care, don't fail + to consult the above-named palmist. Charge 50 cents. + The Gipsy has also on hand a secret which will enable + any lady or gentleman to win or obtain the affections + of the opposite sex. Charge extra. No. 207 3d av., + between 18th and 19th sts." + +How the knowledge of all the secrets of his past life was to save +him years of sorrow and care at this late day he could not +exactly comprehend, and was willing to pay fifty cents for the +information. And then wasn't it worth half a dollar to see a live +gipsy? Of course it was. + +Kettles, camp-fires, white tents under green trees, indigenous +brown babies and exotic white ones, with a panorama of empty +cradles and mourning mothers in the distance, moonlight nights, +midnight foraging excursions, expeditions against impertinent +game-keepers, demonstrations against hen-roosts--successful by +masterly generalship and pure strategic science--and the midnight +forest cookery of contraband game, surreptitious pigs and +clandestine chickens--were among the romantic ideas of a +delightful vagabond gipsy life that at once suggested themselves +to the mind of the Cash Customer. He did not really expect to +find the Third-Avenue gipsy camped out under a bed-quilt tent in +the lee of the house, or cooking her dinner in an iron pot over +an out-door fire in the back yard, but he had a vague undefined +hope that there would be some visible indications of gipsy life, +if it was nothing more than the pawn-tickets for stolen spoons. + +He thought to find at least one or two beautiful babies knocking +about, decorated with coral necklaces and golden clasps, +suggestive of rich parents and better days, and had firmly +resolved to send the little innocents to the alms-house by way of +improving their condition. Full of these romantic notions, the +reporter started on his philanthropic mission, taking the +preliminary precaution of leaving at home his watch and +pocket-book, and carrying with him only small change enough to +pay the advertised charges. + +In one of those three-story brick houses so abounding in this +city, which seem to have been built by the mile and cut off in +slices to suit purchasers, in the Third Avenue above Eighteenth +Street, dwelt at that time the gay Bohemian. The building in +which she lived, though three stories in height, is very short +between joints, which style of architecture makes all the rooms +low and squat, as if somebody had shut the house into itself like +a telescope, and had never pulled it out again. + +Out of the chimney, which was the little end of the telescope, +issued a sickly smoke; and through a door in the lower story, +which was the big end thereof, was the stranger admitted by a +little girl. This girl was, probably, a pure article of gipsy +herself originally, but had been so much adulterated by partial +civilization that she combed her hair daily and submitted to +shoes and stockings without a murmur. Ragged indeed was this +reclaimed wanderer; saucy and dirty-faced was this sprouting +young maiden, but she was sharp-witted, and scented money as +quickly as if she had been the oldest hag of her tribe; so she +asked her customer to walk up stairs, which he did. She herself +went up stairs with a skip and a whirl, showed her visitor into +the grand reception room with a gyrating flourish, and disappeared +in a "courtesy" of so many complex and dizzy rotations that she +seemed to the eyes of the bewildered traveller to evaporate in a +red flannel mist. As soon as she had spun herself out of sight he +recovered his presence of mind and looked about him. + +The romantic gipsy who sojourned here had tried to furnish her +rooms like civilized people, doubtless out of respect to her many +patrons. A thread-bare carpet was under foot; a little parlor +stove with a little fire in it was standing on a little piece of +zinc, and did its little utmost to heat the room; an uncomfortable +looking sofa covered with shabby and faded red damask graced one +side of the apartment, and a lounge, of curtailed dimensions, +partially covered with shreds of turkey red calico, adorned +another side. + +This latter article of furniture, with its tattered cover, +through which suspicious bits of curled hair peeped out, and wide +crevices in its rickety frame were plainly visible, looked much +too suggestive of cockroaches and other insect delicacies of the +season to be an inviting place of repose. + +Three chairs were dispersed throughout the room, on one of which +the reporter bestowed himself, and the rest of the furniture +consisted of a table, so exceedingly shaky and sensitive in the +joints that it might have been the grim skeleton of some former +table, loosely hung together with unseen wires; and a cheap +looking-glass that had suffered so serious a comminuted fracture +as to be past all surgery--this was all except some little plaster +images of saints, strangers to the Cash Customer, and a black +rosary, which article would seem to show that efforts had been +put forth to Christianize this nut-brown gipsy maid. + +A clinking of glasses was heard in the adjoining apartment, then +the door was opened with an independent flirt, and the gay +Bohemian appeared on the scene. + +If it were desired to fancy visions of enchanting loveliness it +would be necessary to insert therein other ingredients than the +gipsy girl of the Third Avenue; alone she would be insufficient; +too much would be left to the imagination; and in any event the +illusion would be too great to last long. + +She is of medium height, her eyes are brown and bright, and her +hands are very large and red. She has no hair, but wears a +scratch red wig, which gives her head a utilitarian character. +Her face is deeply pitted with the small-pox, more than +pitted--gullied, scarred, and seamed, as though some jealous rival +had been trying to plough her complexion under; little short +light hairs are thinly scattered on her cheek bones and upper +lip, and in the shadows of the little ridges that disease had +left, irresistibly compelling the mind to make an absurd +comparison of her face with a sterile field, and imagine that at +some past day it had been spaded up to plant a beard, which had +only grown in scanty patches, here and there. Her nails were +horny and ill-shaped, and underneath them and at their roots were +large deposits of dirt and other fertilizing compounds, under the +stimulating influence of which they had grown lank and long. Her +attire was a sort of cross between the picturesque wildness of +the gipsy, and the more civilized and unbecoming dress of Third +Avenue Christians. + +She was apparelled, principally, in a red flannel jacket, and a +check handkerchief, which was passed under her chin and tied on +the top of her wig, where the knot looked like a blue butterfly. +There was a gown, but a series of subsoiling experiments would +have been necessary to determine the material and texture; the +surface was palpably dirt. Accompanying her there was a strong +smell of gin, and from the odor of the liquor the visitor judged +that it was a very poor article. + +This gay old gipsy drew a chair to the table, and sat down, not +in a graceful and composed manner, but more as if she had been +dumped from a cart. She soon partially recovered herself, and +straightened up slightly from the heap into which she had +collapsed, and, turning her head away from her customer, she +elaborately remarked: "Fifty cents and your left 'and." + +The Individual made a careful search for his small change, and +fished out the exact amount which he promptly paid over. + +This delightful gipsy then took his left hand and looked at it +for a minute in an imbecile kind of way, as if she didn't know +exactly what to do with it, and was undecided whether it was to +be made into soup, or she was to drink it immediately with warm +water and a little sugar. This last impression evidently +prevailed, for she tried to pour it into her apron, and only +recovered from her delusion when the fingers tangled themselves +up in the strings. Then a glimmering of the true state of the +case seemed to dawn upon her, and she began to have a dim idea +that she was expected to say something. + +Now the roving gipsy was not by any means intoxicated at this +time; that is to say, she may have been partaking of gin, or gin +and water, or may have been sucking sugar that had gin on it, or +she may have been taking a little gin and peppermint for a +stomach-ache, or she may have been bathing her head in gin, or +have been otherwise making use of that potent remedy as a +medicine, but she was by no means a subject for official +interference in case she had wandered into the street, but she +was, to tell the truth, not in her most clear-headed condition; +although probably she did not see more than one Cash Customer +sitting solemnly before her, still that one was quite as many as +she could well manage at that time. + +After the signal failure of her little demonstration on the hand +of her guest, she, by a strong effort, seemed to concentrate her +faculties, and after several trials she roused herself and spoke +as follows, emphasizing the short words with spiteful vindictiveness, +and paying the most particular attention to the improper aspiration +of the h's. + +"You _are_ a person as _has_ seen a great deal _of_ dif--" + +The gay Bohemian here evidently desired to say "difficulty," but +the word was a sad stumbling-block, a four-syllable rock ahead +which was too much for her powers in her then exhausted state of +mind; she charged on the unfortunate word boldly, however, and +tried to carry it by storm, but each time was repulsed with great +loss of breath--"a great deal of dif--dif--dif--diffle"--it was no +use, so she tried back and began again. + +"You _are_ a man as _has_ seen a great deal of _diffleculency_," +was what she said, but it didn't seem to satisfy her, so she +tried again, and after a number of trials she hit a happy medium +between "_dif_" and "_diffleculency_" and compromised on +"_difflety_," which useful addition to the language she took +occasion to repeat as often as possible with an air of decided +triumph. + +"You _are_ a man as _has_ seen a great deal of difflety _and_ +trouble--I would not go _to_ say you 'ave been through too much +difflety _and_ trouble, still you 'ave seen difflety _and_ +trouble. If you had been a luckier man _in_ your past life you +_would_ not 'ave seen _so_ much difflety and trouble, still you +_'ave_ seen difflety _and_ trouble--I 'ope you will not see so +much difflety _and_ trouble _in_ the future--Life: you _will_ live +long; you will live _to_ be 69 years of _hage and will_ die of a +lingering disease--you _will_ be sick for a long time, and _will_ +not suffer much difflety and trouble--sixty-nine years of _hage_ +you _will_ live to be--Death: don't think _of_ death; that is +_too_ far hoff a you _to_ think of--but you _will_ die when you +_are_ 69 years of hage, and you _may_ 'ope to go right hup to +'eaven, for you _will_ 'ave no more difflety and trouble +then--Money: you _will_ 'ave money, and you _will_ 'ave plenty of +money, but you must not look for money until _you_ 'ave reached +your middle _hage_--a distant Hinglish relative of yours _will_ +leave you money, but you _will_ 'ave difflety _and_ trouble in +getting it; do not hexpect _to_ get _this_ money without +difflety, no do not cherish _such_ a 'ope--hit _will_ be _in_ the +'ands of a man who wont hanswer your letters nor take notice of +your happlications, you _will_ 'ave _to_ cross the hocean +yourself; this money _will_ be a good deal of money _and_ will +make _you_ 'appy for the rest _of_ your days--Business: you _will_ +thrive in business, you _will_ never be hunfortunate in business, +you _will_ 'ave luck in business, you will always _do_ a good +business, may hexpect to make money _by_ large speculations in +business; difflety _and_ trouble in business you _will_ not +know--Great Troubles: you need not hexpect to 'ave many great +troubles _for_ you will not; you 'ave 'ad your great troubles +_in_ your hearly days--Sickness: you _will_ never see no sickness, +'ave no fear of sickness for you _will_ not see none; sickness, +do not care for it and make your mind _heasy_--Friends: you 'ave +_got_ many friends, both 'ere and helsewhere, your friends _will_ +be 'appy and you will be 'appy, there will be no difflety _and_ +trouble between you, you 'ave 'ad trouble with your friends, but +you face brighter days, be 'appy--Wives: you _will_ 'ave _but_ one +wife; in the third month _from_ now you _will_ 'ear from 'er, you +_will_ get a letter from 'er, and in the fourth month you _will_ +be married--she is not particularly 'andsome, nor she _is_ not +specially hugly, she 'as got blue heyes and brown 'air, _is_ +partickler fond of 'ome and is now heighteen years of hage--'Appiness: +you _will_ be the 'appiest people in _all_ the land, you can't +himagine the 'appiness you _will_ 'ave--Children: you _will_ 'ave +three children, after you are married you _will_ see no more +difflety _and_ trouble; you _will_ die _in_ a foreign land +across the hocean but you _will_ die 'appy. 'Ope for 'appiness +and 'ave _no_ huneasiness." + +Thus prophesied the gay Bohemian, the nut-brown maid, the +dark-eyed oracle, the wise charmer, the female seer, the +beautiful sibyl, the lovely enchantress, the romantic "gipsy +girl" of the Third Avenue. + +Romance and poesy were effectually demolished by the overpowering +realities of dirt, vulgarity, cockneyism, ignorance, scratch-wigs, +bad English, and bad gin. Sadly the Individual walked down stairs +behind the gyrating girl, who reappeared with an agile pirouette, +twirled down on her toes, and opened the door with a dizzy +revolution that made her look as if her head and shoulders had +got into a whirlpool of petticoats, and were past all hope of +mortal rescue. The little chink, as of a bottle and glass, came +faintly from the apartment which is the home of the gipsy, and +the individual fancied that the gay Bohemian had returned to her +devotions. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +Contains a true account of the Magic Establishment of Mrs. +Fleury, of No. 263 Broome Street, and also shows the exact +quantity of Witchcraft that snuffy personage can afford for one +Dollar. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +MADAME FLEURY, No. 263 BROOME STREET. + + +From what the reader has already perused of the predictions and +prophecies of these modern dealers in magic, he will hardly think +them of a character to inspire any great degree of confidence in +the minds of people of ordinary common sense. Still less will he +be disposed to believe that merchants of "credit and renown;" +business men, engaged in occupations, the operations of which are +presumed to be governed by the nicest mathematical calculations, +are ever so far influenced by the miserable jargon of these +"fortune-tellers," as to seriously consult them in business +matters of great importance. + +Such, however, is the humiliating truth. + +There are in New York city a number of merchants, bankers, +brokers, and other persons eminent in the business world, and +respectable in all social relations, who never make an important +business move in any direction, until after consultation with one +or another of the Witches of New York. + +There are many who are regular periodical customers, and who +visit the shrine of the oracle once a month, or once in six +weeks, as regularly as they make out their balance-sheets, or +take an account of stock, and who guide their future investments +and business ventures as much by the written fifty-cent prophecy +as by either of the other documents. + +Many country merchants have also learned this trick, and some of +them are in constant correspondence with the cheap sybils of +Grand Street; and others, when they come to the city for their +stock of goods for the next half year, visit their chosen +fortune-teller and get full and explicit directions how to +conduct their business for the coming six months. Of course, +these proceedings are conducted with the greatest possible +secrecy, and the attention of the writer was first awakened to +this fact by the indiscreet boastings of certain ones of the +witches themselves, who are not a little proud of their +influence, and after observations afforded ample proof and +corroboration of all he had been told. + +Great money enterprises have without doubt been seriously +affected by the yea or nay of the Bible and key, and perhaps the +Atlantic Cable Company would have received more hearty assistance, +and its stock more extensive subscriptions in Wall Street, if +certain ones of the fortune-tellers had possessed more faith in +its success, and had so advised their patrons. + +Incredible as these statements may seem, they are nevertheless +true, and this fact is another proof that gross superstition is +not confined to the low and filthy parts of the city, where rags +and dirt are the universal rule, but that it has likewise a +thrifty growth in quarters of the town where stand the palaces of +the "merchant princes," and in avenues where rags are almost +unknown, and broadcloth, and gold, and fine-twined linen are the +common wear. + +It is said that certain counsel eminent in the learned profession +of the law, and that certain even of the judges of the bench, +have been known to consult the female practicers of the Black +Art, but the author has never been personally cognizant of a case +of this kind, and has no means of knowing whether the consultation +was intended to benefit the lawyer or the witch; whether the +former desired enlightenment as to the management of some knotty +professional point, or whether the latter wanted legal advice as +to some of the side branches of her business. + +_Mrs. Fleury_, whose domicile and mode of procedure are described +in this present chapter, has a large run of this sort of what may +be termed _respectable_ custom, and she does not fail to profit +by it to the utmost. She came to New York, from France, about six +or seven years ago, and at once established herself in the witch +business, which she could advertise extensively in the papers, +although the other branches of her profession, by which she +probably makes more money than by telling fortunes, would by no +means bear newspaper publicity. What these other branches are, +is more explicitly stated in other chapters of this book, and, in +fact, needs to be but hinted at, to be at once understood by +nearly all who read. + +Madame Fleury advertised the world of her arrival in America, and +of her supernatural powers, and in a short time customers began +to flock in. It is now her boast that she has as "respectable a +connexion" as any one in the trade, and that she has as great a +number of "regular, reliable customers," as any conjuress in +America. She says that most of her "regular customers" visit her +once in six weeks, six being with her a favorite number, and she +not undertaking to guarantee her _business_ predictions for a +greater length of time. + +Whether she makes any discount from her ordinary prices to these +regular traders, she did not state, but probably witchcraft is +governed by the same rule as other commodities, and comes cheaper +to wholesale dealers. + +Duly armed and equipped with staff and scrip, and duly fortified +within by such stimulants as the exigencies of the case seemed +to demand, the Cash Customer set out for 263 Broome Street, and +after strict trial and due examination of the premises and the +people, he made the following report. + +It was a favorite remark of a learned though mistaken philosopher +of the olden time, that "you can't make a whistle of a pig's +tail." The philosopher died, but his saying was accepted by the +world as an axiom--a bit of incontrovertible truth, eternal, +Godlike, fully up to par, worth a hundred per cent., with no +possibility of discount. Time, however, which often demonstrates +the fallibility of human wisdom, has not spared even this +oft-quoted adage; and now there is not a collection of curiosities +in the land which lacks a pig-tail whistle to proclaim in the +shrillest tones the falsity of the wise man's proposition, and +the triumph of Yankee ingenuity. Had this same philosopher been +interrogated on the subject, he would undoubtedly have announced, +and with an equal show of probability on his side of the +argument, that "you can't make a star-reading prophetess out of a +snuffy old woman;" but had he lived to the present day, the Cash +Customer would have taken great pleasure in exhibiting to him +these two apparently irreconcilable characters combined in a +single person, and that person Mrs. Fleury, who pays for the +daily insertion of the following advertisement in the newspapers. + + "ASTROLOGY.--MRS. FLEURY, from Paris, is the most + celebrated lady of the present age, in telling future + events, true and certain. She answers questions on + business, marriage, absent friends, &c., by magnetism. + Office No. 263 Broome-st." + +There is not so much of promise in this paragraph, as there is in +some of the more grandiloquent announcements of the other +witches--not probably, that Madame Fleury is any less pretentious +than they, but her knowledge of the English language is not +perfect enough to enable her to give her ideas their full effect. + +The Cash Customer resolved to visit this "most celebrated lady of +the age," who had come all the way from Paris, to tell his +"future events true and certain," nothing daunted by the +circumstance that she lives in the filthiest part of Broome +Street, which has never been swept clean since it was a very new +Broome indeed. + +If our fancy farmers, who expend so much money upon the various +foreign manures and fertilizing compounds, would but turn their +eyes in the direction of Broome Street, a single glance would +convince them of the inexhaustible resources of their own +country, while guano would instantly depreciate in value, and the +island of Ichaboe not be worth a quarrel. This prolific and +valuable deposit that covers Broome Street bears perennial crops: +in the spring and summer, dirty-faced children and mean-looking +dogs seem to spring from it spontaneously; they are succeeded +during the colder weather by a crop of tumble-down barrels, and +cast-away broken carts; while the humbler and more insignificant +things, the uncared for weeds, so to speak, of the abundant +harvest, such as potato parings, and fish heads, and shreds of +ragged dish-cloths, and bits of broken crockery, and old bones, +are in season all the year round. + +In the midst of this filth, with policy-shops adjacent, and +pawnbrokers' offices close at hand, and rum shops convenient in +the neighborhood--where the reeking streets and stagnant gutters, +and the heaps of decomposing garbage, send up a stench so thick +and heavy that it beslimes everything it touches, and makes a man +feel as if he were far past the saving powers of soap and soft +water, and was fast dissolving into rancid lard oil--in this +congenial atmosphere flourishes the prophetess, and here is found +the mansion of Mrs. Fleury, "the most celebrated lady of the age +in telling future events." Her mansion is not one that would be +selected as a permanent residence by any one with a superabundance +of cash capital, nor did it seem quite suited to the deservings +of the "most celebrated lady of the present age;" the house, a +three-story brick, originally intended to be something above the +common, has been for so many years misused and badly treated by +reckless tenants, that it has completely lost its good temper, as +well as its good looks, and is now in a perpetual state of +aggravated sulkiness. It resents the presence of a stranger as +an impertinent intrusion, and avenges the personality in various +disagreeable ways. It twitches its rickety stairways impatiently +under his feet, as if to shake him off and damage him by the +fall--it viciously attempts to pinch and jam his fingers with +moody dogged doors, which hold back as long as they can, and then +close with a sudden snap, exceedingly dangerous to the unwary--it +tears his clothes with ambushed rusty nails, and unsuspected +hooks, and sharp and jagged splinters--it creaks its floors under +his tread with a doleful whine, and complains of his cruel +treatment in sharp-pointed, many-cornered tears of plaster, which +it drops from the ceiling upon his head the instant he takes his +hat off--it yawns its wide cellar doors open like a greedy mouth, +evidently hoping that an unlucky step will pitch him headlong +down--and it conducts itself in a thousand ill-natured ways like a +sulky child that has been waked up too early in the morning, and +not properly whipped into good behavior. The Individual, however, +entered the doors, unabashed by the malignant scowl which was +visible all over the face of the unamiable mansion, and stumbled +through a narrow, dirty hall, up two flights of groaning stairs, +before he discovered any sign of the whereabouts of Madame. She +evidently did not occupy the entire of this sulky edifice, or he +would have seen some of the servants or retainers, who would have +been only too happy to direct him to the head-quarters of the +sorceress. But the few people he saw about the place seemed to be +each one occupied with his or her own private affairs, and to be +too much taken up therewith to pay the slightest attention to the +new-comer. Their attentions to each other were confined to reproaches, +uncomplimentary assertions, and sundry maledictory remarks, accompanied, +in case of the younger members of the various tribes, with pinches, +pokes, punches, and small but frequent showers of brickbats. + +The Individual disregarded these evidences of good feeling, not +considering himself called upon to reply to any which were not +addressed to him individually, and plodded on till his roving +eye rested on a tin sign, on which was inscribed, "Madame Fleury, +Room No. 4." There were no mysterious emblems or cabalistic +flourishes accompanying this simple announcement. + +He pulled the knob and the door was instantly opened by the lady +herself, so quickly that the bell had no time to ring until all +necessity for it was over--she had evidently heard the advancing +footsteps of her customer, and had stood ready to pounce upon +him. She ushered him into the apartment, where he soon recovered +his self-possession, and took an observation. + +The room was a small square one, shabbily furnished with very few +articles of furniture, and these were dimly visible through the +snuffy mist which filled the apartment; there was snuff +everywhere; there was a snuffy dust on the chairs; there was a +precipitate of snuff on the floor, and, if snuff was capable of +crystallization, there would undoubtedly have been stalactitic +formations of snuff depending from the ceiling; the Madame +herself was snuff-colored, as if she had been boiled in a +decoction of tobacco. + +She is a Frenchwoman, and has had about half a century's +experience of her present fleshly tabernacle, which is somewhat +the worse for wear, although from the fossil remains of bygone +beauty, still visible in her ancient countenance, her customer +inclined to the belief that in some remote age she was comely and +pleasant to the eye. He founded this hypothesis upon the brown +hair and hazel eyes which time has spared. + +In respect to personal cleanliness, the Individual regrets to say +that the Madame was not in every respect what a critical observer +would wish to see; her hands and arms were in a condition which +would naturally lead to the belief that the Croton Corporation +had cut off the water; and under each of her finger-nails was a +dark-colored deposit, which may have been snuff, but looked like +something dirtier. She was dressed in a light striped calico +dress, over which was a black velvet mantle trimmed with fur, +and on her head was a portentous head-dress which was fearfully +and wonderfully made of shabby black lace; her face was in the +same condition as her hands and arms, as was also her neck, which +was only visible to the upper edge of the collar-bone--further +deponent saith not. + +She more nearly approached the Cash Customer's notion of the +Witch of Endor, than any other lady he had ever heard mentioned +in polite society. She at once prepared for business. + +She seated herself behind a small stand, dusty with snuff, on +which were a number of little books on astrology, written in +French and German, and as dirty and as fragrant as if they had +been some kind of clumsy vegetable which had been grown in a +tobacco plantation. + +She asked her visitor if he spoke French or German, to which he +replied that, had he been conversant with all the languages +invented at the Babel smash-up, he would on this occasion, for +particular reasons, prefer to confine himself to English. He also +ventured an inquiry as to terms, upon which she produced a card +containing a list of her charges, printed in English, French, and +German. He learned from this dingy document that the prices of +telling fortunes by lines of the hand, by cards, and by the +stars, varied in amount from one to five dollars. The Individual +concluded that one dollar's worth would suffice, and, approaching +the little table, he announced the result of his cogitations. The +enchantress, who was so saturated with snuff and tobacco that +every time her customer looked her in the face he sneezed, then +brought a pack of very filthy cards, which were covered over with +mysterious hieroglyphics done in black paint. She asked her +visitor to "cut" them, which he reverently though daintily did, +whereupon she laid them on the table before her in four rows, and +spoke, having previously explained that she used no witchcraft +but did all her wonders by the signs of the zodiac. The +Individual concentrated his attention, and listened with all his +ears while the witch of Broome Street spoke thus: + +"I will tell you first what these cards indicate, then I will +look at the lines of your hand, and then I will answer three +questions." + +Here she paused, while her agitated listener sneezed a couple of +times; then she resumed, speaking with a strong foreign accent: + +"You are good disposition--have excellent memory, you don't have +many enemy, but what you do is of your own sex--you are very frank +person and you was born in the sign of the Crab. You have some +lucky days which are Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays, whatever +you do on these days is well, but you shall not wash your hair on +Thursdays, if so, you will wash all your luck away. You must be +very careful of fire and water, you will be in great danger of +fire and water and you must be very careful. You may die by fire +or water, I cannot say but you must certain be very careful of +fire and water. You must also be very careful of dogs, very +careful of dogs, you may die by a dog, but you must certain be +very careful of dogs." + +Here she paused again, and while her visitor was meditating +on the full force of what he had heard, and was inwardly +resolving to go immediately home, shoot Juno, and drown her +as-yet-unoffending-but-in-after-days-dangerous-to-his-peace-of- +mind-and-the-happiness-of-his-life pups, she prepared for the +second portion of her discourse. + +Taking the Individual's hand in hers, a proceeding which made him +feel as if he had put his fingers into a bladder of Maccoboy, she +made the following prediction: "You will be the father of five +children, two of them will be boys, who will be a great comfort +to you when you grow old." + +She spoke no good of the girls, and the customer foresaw feminine +trouble in his household with those same young ladies. Having a +few moments to himself before she resumed, he worked himself into +a great passion with the ungrateful hussies who were about to +treat their kind old father in so scandalous a manner; but +presently recollecting that they were as yet in the condition of +"your sister, Betsey Trotwood, who never was born," he felt that +he was slightly premature in his wrath, so he cooled down and +resolved to make the best of it with his comfortable boys. + +The yellow sorceress continued: "Your line of life is long, and +you will live to a good old age. You have had much trouble in +love affairs, and now your first love is entirely lost to you. +You can never reclaim her, and you must never venture anything in +lotteries." + +Whether Madame Fleury supposed that her visitor intended to spend +his salary in lottery tickets, in the hope of winning back his +early love, or whether she supposed that the woman then +exhibiting herself as "Perham's Gift Lady," was the person, is +not in evidence; but, from the peculiar construction of her last +remark, something of the kind must have been in her thoughts. She +had now reached the third part of her discourse, and come to the +"three questions." She produced an old French Bible, dingy with +age and snuff, and which she informed the observer had been in +her family for three hundred years; an old iron key was tied +between the leaves, with the ring and part of the shank of the +key projecting, and the Bible was tightly bound round with many +folds of black ribbon. Making her visitor hold one side of the +ring of the key, while she held the other, she said: "Ask your +three questions, and if they are to be answered in the affirmative +the book will turn." + +The Individual, who had been much impressed by her canine +observation of a few minutes before, and whose thoughts were +still running upon his pet Juno, and her six innocent offspring, +in a fit of absence of mind propounded this interrogatory: + +"Shall I marry the person of whom I am now thinking?" The potent +enchantress repeated the question aloud in French, and then, with +pale lips and trembling voice, she addressed the book and key +thus: + +"Holy Bible, I ask you, in the name of the Father, the Son, and +the Holy Ghost, will this man marry the person now in his +mind?"--then she closed her eyes for a moment, placed one hand +over her heart, and rapidly muttered something in so low a tone +that it was inaudible to her listener. Immediately the Bible +commenced to turn slowly towards her, and soon had made a +complete revolution, thus expressing a very decided affirmative. + +Having started a matrimonial subject with so satisfactory a +result, her customer thought he could do no better than to follow +it up, and accordingly asked question No. 2: + +"If I marry this person, will the marriage be a happy one?" The +same answer was given, in the same manner. Being now satisfied as +to his own matrimonial prospects, he concluded to ascertain those +of his children, and question No. 3 was asked, as follows: + +"Shall I live to see my children happily married?" + +There was a long delay, which was undoubtedly occasioned by the +difficulty of properly providing for those refractory girls, but +at last there came a reluctant "Yes." + +Having now got all that his dollar entitled him to, the customer +prepared to depart. The Madame informed him that in a few days +she would have her "_Magic Mirror_" from Paris, with which she +could do new wonders, and she hoped that he would soon call +again, adding, "If I was ten year younger I would not admit +gentlemen, but now I am old and I must." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +Describes an interview with the "Cullud" Seer, Mr. Grommer, of +No. 34 North Second Street, Williamsburgh, and what that +respectable Whitewasher and Prophet told his Visitor. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +A BLACK PROPHET, MR. GROMMER, No. 34 NORTH SECOND STREET, +WILLIAMSBURGH. + + +Besides those who advertise in the daily journals, there are many +other witches in and about the city who do not deign so to inform +the world of their miraculous powers. Either they have not full +faith in their own supernatural gifts, or they distrust the +policy of advertising; at any rate they are only known to the +inquiring stranger by accidental rumors, and mysterious +side-whisperings emanating from those credulous ones who have had +ocular proof of the miracle-working facility of these veiled +prophets. + +In certain of the older States of the Union, there cannot +probably be found any country village that does not boast its old +crones of fortune-telling celebrity--women who are not named by +the awe-struck youngsters of the town, but with low breath and a +startled sort of look thrown backward over the shoulder every +minute as if in half-fear that the evil eye is even there upon +them. And in almost every neighborhood in any part of the +country, there will be one or more old women who delight in +mystifying the young folks by telling fortunes in tea-cups, by +means of the ominous settling of the "grounds;"--or who, +sometimes, even "run the cards," or aspire to read the fates by +the portentous turning of the Bible and key. All these conjurations +are given without money and without price in the rural districts, +but they sometimes work no little mischief. + +There people do not advertise their willingness to read the +fates, and only exercise their gifts in that direction as a +matter of friendship to certain favored ones. The city and the +suburbs are full of people of this kind, who profess to know the +gift of prophecy and of miracles, but who do not make their whole +living by the exercise of their supernatural powers, depending +in part on some popular branch of industry. They differ, however, +from their sisters of the country in this regard; whenever they +do consent to do a little magic for the accommodation of an +anxious inquirer, they are very careful to charge him a round +price for it. Many of them combine fortune-telling with hard +work, and do their full day's work of faithful toil at some +legitimate employment, and in the evening amuse themselves with +witchcraft. + +These are chrysalis witches; prophets in embryo; magicians in a +state of apprenticeship; they are learning the trade, and as soon +as they feel competent to do journey-work, they drop their hard +labor, and at once set up for full-fledged witches or conjurors. + +Mr. Grommer, the Black Sage of Williamsburgh, and his solid and +amiable wife, were in this half-way state when they were visited +by the Cash Customer. Their fame had reached his ears by the +means of some kind friends who were cognisant of his peculiar +investigations at that time, and who told him of the supernatural +gifts of this amiable old couple. + +Accordingly the Individual, having made exact inquiries as to +their local habitation, one fine morning set out in pursuit, and +in due time made up the following report. Since that time it is +reported that this worthy pair have followed the law of +progression hereinbefore hinted at, and having arrived at the +fulness of all magical knowledge, have laid aside the whitewash +pail and discarded the scrubbing-brush, and given their time +entirely to the practice of the Black Art. + +The Individual beginneth his discourse thus:-- + +It is an old saying, that "The Devil is never so black as he is +painted." What may be the precise shade of the complexion of his +amiable majesty the Cash Customer has no means of ascertaining to +an exact nicety at this present time of writing; but he makes the +positive assertion, that some of the Satanic human employees are +so black as to need no painting of any description. + +Whether or not the ancient "wise men from the East" were swarthy +skinned he is not competent to decide; but he is able to prove, +by ocular demonstration, to an unbelieving sceptic, that some of +the modern "wise men" are particularly "dark-complected." + +Mrs. Grommer, of No. 34 North Second Street, in the suburb of +Williamsburgh, is a case in point. The fame of this illustrious +ebony lady had gone abroad through the land, and her skill in +prophecy had been vouched for by those who professed to have +personal knowledge of the truthfulness of her predictions. But an +air of mystery surrounded the sable sorceress, and it was +declared to be impossible to obtain a knowledge of her exact +whereabouts, except by a preliminary visit to a certain +mysterious "cave," the locality of which was accurately +described. + +A cave! this promised well; no other witches encountered by the +Cash Customer, had he found in a cave, or in anything resembling +that hollow luxury. + +A cave! the very word smacked of diabolism, and had the true +flavor of genuine witchcraft. Our overjoyed hero thought of the +Witch of Vesuvius in her mountain cavern--of her lank, grey, dead +hair; her livid, corpse-like skin; her stony eye; her shrivelled, +blue lips; her hollow voice, and her threatening arm, and skinny, +menacing forefinger--of the red-eyed fox at her side, the crested +serpent at her feet, the mystic lamp above her head, and the +statue in the background, triple-headed with skulls of dog, and +horse, and boar. Something of this kind he hoped to witness in +the present instance, for he argued that any sorceress who lived +in a cave must surely be supplied with some more cabalistic +instruments with which to work her spells than greasy playing-cards +or rusty brass door-keys. At last, then, he had discovered +something in modern witchcraft worthy the ancient romance of the +name. Triumphant and overjoyed, he prepared for the visit, +confident in his ability to witness any spectacle, however +terrible, without flinching, and in his courage to pass any +ordeal, however fearful. He swallowed no countercharms or +protective potions, and did not even take the precaution to sew +a horse-shoe in the seat of his pantaloons. + +It is true he was rash, but much must be forgiven to youthful +curiosity, especially when conjoined with professional ambition. +The carelessness, in respect to his own safety, was productive of +no ill effects, for he returned from this perilous excursion in +every regard as good as he went. He had by this time entirely +recovered from his matrimonial aspirations, and had given up all +hope of a witch wife. Still, he hoped to find in the _cave_, +something more worthy the ancient and honorable name of +witchcraft than anything he had yet seen. + +Alas! for the uncertainty of mortal hopes. All is vanity, bosh, +and botheration. + +On arriving at the enchanted spot, it soon became evident to the +senses of our astonished friend that the "Cave" was not a cavern, +fit for the habitation of a powerful sorceress, but was merely a +mystifying cognomen applied to a drinking saloon with a billiard +room attached, which had accommodations, also, for persons who +wished to participate in other profane games. + +On entering the "Cave," your deluded customer saw no toothless +hag with the expected witch-like surroundings, but observed only +a company of men, seemingly respectable, indulging in plentiful +potations of beer and certain other liquids, which appeared, at +the distance from which he observed them, to be the popular +compounds designated in the vulgar tongue as "whiskey toddies." +Addressing the nearest bystander, the gulled Individual +ascertained the habitation of Mrs. Grommer, and immediately +departed in search of that interesting female. + +The way was crooked, as all Williamsburgh ways are, but after an +irregular, curvilinear journey of half an hour, the anxious +inquirer stood in front of the looked-for mansion. + +The grading of the street has left at this point a gravel bank +some six or eight feet high, on the summit of which is perched +the house of Mrs. Grommer, like a contented mud-turtle on a sunny +stump. It is a one-story affair, with several irregular wings or +additions sprouting out of it at unexpected angles, and, on the +whole, it looks as if it had been originally built tall and slim +like a tallow candle, but had melted and run down into its +present indescribable shape. The architect neglected to provide +this beautiful edifice with a front door, and the inquirer was +compelled to ascend the bank by a flight of rheumatic steps, and +make a grand detour through currant bushes, chickens, washtubs, +rain-barrels, and colored children, irregular as to size, and +variegated as to hue, to the back, and only door. Here his modest +rap was unanswered, and he composedly walked in, unasked, through +the kitchen, and took a seat in the parlor, where he was +presently discovered by the lady of the house, but not until he +had time to take an accurate observation. + +Mrs. Grommer had, up to this time, been engaged in making a +public example of certain ones of her grandchildren, who had been +trespassing on the currant bushes of a neighbor, and had been +caught in the act. Their indulgent grandmother, being scandalized +by this exhibition of youthful depravity, with a regard for the +demands of strict justice that did her infinite credit, had +inflicted on several of the delinquents that mild punishment +known as "spanking." The novelty of the sight had drawn together +quite a collection of the neighbors, who signified their approval +of the deed by encouraging cheers. + +Meantime the Individual had ample time to contemplate the inside +beauties of the mansion of the sable prophet. Mrs. Grommer soon +finished her athletic exercise out-doors, and came into the house +to rearrange her dress and receive her company. + +The reception-room was about 10 by 12, and so low that a tall man +could not yawn in it without rapping his head against the +ceiling. In places the plaster had been displaced and the bare +lath showed through, reminding one of skeletons. The floor was +dingily carpeted; a double bed occupied one side of the room, a +small cooking-stove stood in the middle of the floor and had a +disproportionately slim pipe issuing out of the corner, like a +straw in a mint-julep; seven chairs of varied patterns, a small +round table, on which lay a pack of cards covered with a cloth, +and a tumble-down chest of drawers completed the necessary +furniture of the apartment. The ornaments are quickly enumerated. +A black wooden cross hung by the windows, a few cheap and gaudy +Scriptural prints were fastened against the wall, a chemist's +bottle, of large dimensions, and filled with a blue liquid, +reposed on the chest of drawers, side by side with a few +miniature casts of lambs and dogs; and on a little shelf stood a +quarter-size plaster bust of some unknown worthy, of which the +head had been knocked off and its place significantly supplied +with a goose-egg. + +In a short time Mrs. Grommer emerged from an unlooked-for apartment +and entered the room. She is a negress and a grandmother--her age is +65, and a brood of children, together with a swarm of the +aforesaid grandchildren, reside near at hand and keep the old +lady's mansion constantly besieged. + +As to size--she is large, apparently solid, and would struggle +severely with a 200 pound weight before she would acknowledge +herself conquered. She was neatly attired, and, in fact, a most +grateful air of cleanliness pervaded the entire establishment, +and it was a refreshing contrast to most of the dens of the +fairer-skinned witches heretofore encountered by the cash +delegate. + +The sable one entered into conversation, and a few minutes were +passed in cheerful chat, in the course of which she thus referred +to the scapegrace husband of one of her numerous daughters: "They +think Anson is dead, but I can't station him dead. I think he's +at sea somewhere, or in a foreign land, but I can't station him +dead. He might as well be under ground for all the good he is, +for he is such a poor, mis'able, drinkin' feller that he aint no +use, but, after all, I can't run him dead." + +At last, the object of the visit was mentioned, and, to the +individual's great surprise, Mrs. Grommer positively and +peremptorily refused to give him the benefit of her prophetic +powers. + +She said: "It aint no use; I never does for gentlemen. I does +sometimes for ladies, but I can't do it for gentlemen." +Remonstrance and entreaty were alike useless; she was immovable. +At last, she said she would call her "old man," who could tell +fortunes as well as she could, but she added, with a determined +shake of the head: "He'll do it, but he will charge you a dollar; +and he wont do it under, neither." When her hearer expressed his +willingness to learn his future fate by the masculine medium, she +addressed him thus: "You station there, in that chair, and I'll +send him." The disappointed one "stationed" in the designated +chair, and awaited the coming of the "old man." He soon appeared +and seated himself, ready to begin. + +"Old Man" Grommer is a professor of the whitewashing branch of +decorative art. He occasionally relaxes his noble mind from the +arduous mental labor attendant upon the successful carrying on of +his regular business, and condescends to earn an easy dollar by +fortune-telling. He is a shrewd-looking old man, with a dash of +white blood in his composition; his hair curls tightly all over +his head, but is elaborated on each side of his face into a +single hard-twisted ringlet; short crisped whiskers, streaked +with grey, encircle his face, and an imperial completes his +hirsute attractions; his cheeks and forehead are marked with the +small-pox. + +He was attired in a grey and striped dress, the peculiarity of +which was that the coat and vest were bound with wide stripes of +black velvet. He speaks with but little of the peculiar negro +dialect, except when he forgets himself for an instant, and +unguardedly relapses into the old habits, which he has evidently +carefully endeavored to overcome. He looked at his visitor very +sharply for a minute or two, while he pretended to be abstractedly +shuffling the cards; and collecting his valuable thoughts, at +last he remarked: + +"I s'pose you want me to run the cards for you?" The reply was in +the affirmative, and the colored prophet concentrated his mind +and began. Slowly he dealt the cards, and spake as follows: + +"You don't believe in fortunes, my son--I see that. Must tell you +what I see here--can't help it--if I see it in the cards, must tell +you. You've had great deal trouble, my son; more comin'. Can't +help it; mus' tell you. I see trouble in de cards; I see razackly +what it is." + +Here he suddenly stopped, and resuming his guarded manner, +continued: "You've lost something, my son; something that you +think a great deal of. Now I don't like to tell about lost +things; I'se 'fraid I'll get myself into a snare; I'd rather not +say nothing about it; fear I'll get myself into trouble." His +auditor here gave him the most positive assurances that he should +never be called into court to identify the thief of the missing +article, and that he should be held free from all harm; whereupon +he consented to impart the following information: + +"Dis thing you lost is something that hangs up on a +nail--something bright and round--you thinks a great deal of it, my +son--when it went away it had on a bright guard--hasn't got a +bright guard on now; got a black guard--you see I knows all about +de article, my son, and I can tell you razackly where de article +is--but I'se rather not tell you 'bout it, my son; 'fraid I'll run +myself into a snare; dat's the truth, my son, rather no say +nothin' 'bout de article." + +Being again assured of safety, he went on: "Well, my son, I'll +tell you 'bout this yer thing. Has you got any boys in yer +employ? No. Got two girls have you? One of dem girls is +light-haired and de other is dark--the light one is de one who +comes in your room in your boarding-house every morning when +you'se gone away--'cause you lives in a boardin' house, I sees +that--can see it in the cards, can always tell razackly. If you +make a fuss about dat article you make your landlady feel bad. +You has accused somebody of taking that article, but you 'cused +de wrong person. The light-haired girl is who's got that article. +Can't help it, my son, must tell you--de light-haired girl is de +person. Mebbe she's put it back, my son, I'll see." + +Here he cut the cards carefully, and continued: + +"There's trouble 'bout dat article, my son, can't help it, must +tell you--but you'll get the article, but you'll have disappointment. +Whenever you see dat card you may know there's disappointment +comin'--dat card is always disappointment--can't help it, my son, +must tell you." Here he exhibited the nine of spades, to the +malignant influence of which he attributed the future woes of his +hearer. + +"When you go home look in your bed between the mattresses and see +if the article is there, for mebbe she'll put it back--if it aint +there you must go to her and 'cuse her of it, 'cause it's in the +house and she's got it--can't help it, my son, must tell you." + +It is perhaps needless to say that the customer had met with no +loss of property, and that all this was entirely gratuitous on +the part of Mr. Grommer. Having, however, settled the matter to +his satisfaction, that gentleman turned his attention to other +things, and in the intervals of repeated shufflings and cuttings +of the cards he said: + +"Dere is a journey for you soon--and dis journey is going to be +the best thing that ever happened to you--but dere is a little +disappointment first--can't help it, my son, must tell--here you +can see for yourself," and out came the malicious nine of spades +again. "You will get money from beyond sea, my son--lots of money, +lots of money, my son--here it is, you can see for yourself," and +he exhibited the cheerful faces of the eight, nine, and ten of +diamonds. "You will have disappointment before you get this +money," and up came the hateful visage of the nine of spades once +more. "You was born under a good star, my son--under a morning +star--you was born under the planet Jupiter, my son, at 28 minutes +past four in the morning--lucky star, my son, very lucky star. You +are going to make a great change in your business, my son, which +will be good; you will always be successful in business, but I +think there is a little disappointment first; can't help it, must +tell you." Here the listener looked for the nine of spades again, +but it didn't come. "After a little while you turns your back on +trouble; here, you can see for yourself--see, this is you." + +The king of clubs was the Individual at that instant, and the +troubles upon which he turned his back are, as nearly as he can +remember, the knave of clubs, the nine of spades, and the deuce +of diamonds. + +The sage went on. "I'm comin' now to your marriage. You'se goin' +to be married, but you'll have some disappointment first--can't +help it, my son, must tell you. You see, here is a dark-complected +lady that you like, and she has a heart for you, but her father +don't like you--he prefers a young man of lighter complexion--see, +here you all are, my son. This is you," and he showed the king of +clubs--"and this is her." The "her" of whom he spoke so irreverently, +was the queen of clubs. "This is the heart she has for you," and +he exhibited the seven of that amorous suit. "This is her +father"--the obstinate and cruel "parient" here displayed, was the +king of spades--"and dis yer is de young man her father likes," +and he placed before the eyes of the customer a hated rival in +the shape of the knave of diamonds. "You see how it is, my son, +dere is trouble between you--can't help it. You may possibly marry +de dark-complected lady yet, but don't you do it, my son, don't +you do it--now mind I tell you, don't you do it--she is not the +lady for you--can't help it, must tell you; if you marry dat lady +you will be sorry dat you ever tie de knot. See, here is the +knot," and he showed the ace of diamonds. "See, this is the lady +you ought to marry," and he produced the queen of diamonds; "and +she will be your second wife if you do marry de dark-complected +lady, but you'd better marry her first if you can get her, and +let de dark-complected lady go for ebber; dat's so, my son, now +mind I tell you." + +He condescended no more, and the Cash Customer disbursed his +dollar and departed, all the grandchildren gathering on the bank +to give him three cheers as a parting salute. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +How the "Individual" calls on Madame Clifton, of No. 185 Orchard +Street, and how that amiable and gifted "Seventh daughter of a +seventh daughter," prophesies his speedy death and destruction, +together with all about the "Chinese Ruling Planet Charm." + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +MADAME CLIFTON, 185 ORCHARD STREET. + + +Perhaps there is no class of men brought constantly and +prominently before the public eye, that is so great a puzzle to +that public, as the class popularly denominated "sporting men." +There is not a corner on Broadway where they do not congregate; +there is not a theatre where they do not abound, and there is not +a concert-room that does not overrun with them. There is a +uniformity in their appearance that makes them easily recognised, +for they all affect the ultra stylish in costume, even to the +extreme of light kid gloves in the street; they all have the +crisp moustache, the smooth-shaven cheeks, and the same keen, +ever-watchful eye, constantly on the look-out for a "customer," +that respectable word meaning, in their slang, a person to be +victimized and swindled. Every lady who walks the street has to +run the gauntlet of their insolent glances, and not unfrequently +to hear their vulgar and offensive criticisms on her personal +appearance; and every gentleman whose business calls him into +Broadway of a pleasant day, has seen these persons grouped on the +corner leisurely surveying the passers-by, or gathered into a +little knot before some favorite rum-shop, discussing what is, to +them, the absorbing topic of the day--probably the "good strike" +Blobbsby made, "fighting the tiger," the night before; the "heavy +run" a favorite billiard-player made on a certain occasion, or +the respective chances of success of the two distinguished +gentlemen who may chance at that time to be in training with a +view of battering each other's heads until one concedes his claim +to the brutal "honors" of the prize ring. + +No gentlemen of fashion and fortune are more expensively dressed +than these men; no class of people wear more finely stitched and +embroidered linen, more costly broadcloth, more showy golden +ornaments, or more brilliant diamonds; but for all, the man is +yet to be found who has ever seen one of them put his hand or his +brain to one single hour's honest work. Unsophisticated persons +are often puzzled to account for the apparently irreconcilable +circumstances of no work, and plenty of money, and in their +endeavors to invent a plausible hypothesis on the basis of +honesty, must ever be bewildered. The city man knows them at a +glance to be "sporting men." + +This phrase is a particularly comprehensive one; the "sporting +man" is a gambler by profession, and therefore a swindler by +necessity, for an "honest gambler" would fill a niche in the +scale of created beings that has never yet been occupied; in +addition to this, nearly every sporting man is a thief whenever +opportunity offers. They probably would not pick a sober man's +pocket, or knock him down at night and take his watch and money, +for the risk of detection would be too great; but they are kept +from downright stealing by no excess of virtue. + +These remarks apply to the "sporting men," by profession--to those +plausible gallows-birds who have no other ostensible means of +getting a living. There are many men who sometimes spend an hour +or two at a faro table, or who occasionally pass an evening in +gambling at some other game, who do all fairly, and are above all +suspicion of foul play; these persons are of course plundered by +sharpers who surround them, and are called "good fellows" because +they submit to their losses without grumbling. + +The "sporting men" all have mistresses, on whom they sometimes +rely for funds whenever an "unlucky hit," or a "bad streak of +luck," has run their own purses low. + +It is not part of the present purpose of this book to give +particulars as to who and what their mistresses are, further than +to state that at least one or two of the "Witches" described +herein, officiate in that capacity. It is true, that the most of +them are not of a style to tempt the lust of any man, but there +are certain exceptions to the general rule, and in one or two +instances the "Individual" found the fortune-teller to be comely +and pleasant to the eye. As these women generally have plenty of +money, they are very eligible partners for gamblers, who are +liable to as many reverses as ever Mr. Micawber encountered, and +who, when once down, might remain perpetually floored, did not +some kind friend set them on their financial feet again. + +And this is one of the duties of the monied mistress. When the +"sporting man" is in funds, no one is more recklessly extravagant +than he, and no one cuts a greater dash than his "ladye-love," if +he chooses so to do; but when the cards run cross, and the purse +is empty, it devolves upon her to furnish the capital to start in +the world again. + +The fact is well known to those who have taken the trouble to +inquire into the subject, that several of the more fashionable +fortune-tellers of the city sustain this sort of illicit relation +to certain "sporting men," whose faces a man may see, perhaps, +half a dozen times in the course of a lounge up and down +Broadway of a pleasant afternoon. + +Madame Clifton is, on the whole, a comely woman, and does a good +business, but of course no sane person will think of applying +these remarks personally to that respected matron. + +The "Individual" paid a lengthened visit to Madame Clifton, and +his remarks are recorded below. Because he met a sleek, +close-shaved, finely moustached gentleman coming away from the +door, he was of course not justified in believing that the said +gentleman belonged to the establishment. Of course not. + +The female professors of the black art hitherto visited by the +Cash Customer, had not impressed him with a profound belief in +their supernatural powers; he was "anxious," and was "awakened to +inquiry," but he still had doubts, and there was great danger of +his backsliding if there wasn't something immediately done for +him. + +He had been greatly disappointed by the absence from the +domiciles of these good ladies of all the traditional necromantic +implements and tools. His disposition to adhere to the modern +witch-faith would have been greatly strengthened by the sight of +a skull and cross-bones; a tame snake, or a little devil in a +bottle, would have fixed his wavering belief; and his conversion +would have been thoroughly assured by the timely exhibition of a +broomstick on which he could see the saddle-marks. + +None of these things had as yet been forthcoming, and the anxious +inquirer, mourning the departure of all the romance of the art of +witchcraft, was fast sinking into a state of incurable scepticism +on the subject of even its utility, in the degenerate hands of +modern practitioners. Hope had not, however, entirely deserted +his heart, but still retained her fabled position in the bottom +of his chest, near that important viscus, and he, therefore, +courageously continued his pursuit of witchcraft under difficulties. + +His next visit was to Orchard street, and he was induced to +expect favorable results by the encouraging and positive +assertion which concludes the subjoined advertisement, that +"Madame Clifton is no humbug:" + + "AN ASTROLOGIST THAT BEATS THE WORLD, and $5,000 reward + is offered to pay any person who can surpass her in + giving correct statements on past, present, and future + events, particularly absent friends, losses, lawsuits, + &c. She also gives lucky numbers. She surpasses any + person that has ever visited our city. She is also + making great cures. All persons who are afflicted with + consumption, liver complaint, scrofula, rheumatism, or + any other lingering disease, would do well to call and + see this wonderful and natural gifted lady, and you + will not go away dissatisfied. N.B.--Madame Clifton is + no humbug. Call and satisfy yourselves. Residence No. + 185 Orchard-st., between Houston and Stanton." + +Although Orchard Street is by no means so objectionable a +thoroughfare as human ingenuity might make it, still, in spite of +its pleasant-sounding name, it is not altogether a vernal +paradise. If there ever was any fitness in the name it must have +been many years ago, and the ancient orchard bears now no fruit, +but low brick houses of assorted sizes and colors, seedy, and, +in appearance, semi-respectable. Occasionally a blacksmith's +shop, a paint room, or a livery stable, lower or meaner and more +contracted than their neighbors, look as if they never got ripe, +but had shrivelled and dropped off before their time. + +The street is in a state of perennial bloom with half-built +dwellings like gaudy scarlet blossoms, which are ripened into +tenements by the fostering care of masons and carpenters with the +most industrious forcing; and buds of buildings are scattered in +every direction, in the shape of mortar-beds and piles of brick +and lumber, waiting the due time for their architectural +sprouting. + +The house of Madame Clifton is of moderate growth, being but two +stories high; it has a red brick front and green window-blinds, +and is so ingeniously grafted to its nearest neighbor that some +little care is necessary to determine which is the parent stock. +It presents a fair outside, is but little damaged by age or +weather, and is seemingly in a state of good repair. + +A neat-looking colored girl answered the bell, and, showing our +reporter into the parlor, asked his business, and if he "knew +Madame Clifton's terms?" + +Now when it is understood that fortune-telling is by no means the +only, or the most lucrative part of Madame Clifton's business, it +will be perceived that this inquiry had a peculiar significance. +Having the fear of libel suits before his eyes, the Individual +cannot state in precise and plain terms the exact nature of the +business which the colored girl evidently thought had brought him +there; he will content himself with delicately insinuating, that +if his errand had been of the nature insinuated by that female +delegate from Africa, there would have been a "lady in the case." + +Fortunately the Cash Customer had erred not thus, but he made +known to the colored lady his simple business. + +Learning that he only wanted to have his fortune told by the +Madame, and had no occasion to test her skill in the more +expensive departments of her profession, the girl appeared to be +satisfied of the responsibility of her visitor for that limited +amount, and departed to inform her mistress. + +The customer took an observation. + +The room was a neatly-furnished parlor, a little flashy perhaps +in the article of mirrors, but the sofas, chairs, carpet, &c., +were plain and not offensive to good taste. A piano was in the +room, but it was closed, and its tone and quality are unknown. +One curious article, for a parlor ornament, stood in the corner +of the room; it was the huge sign-board of a perfumery store, and +bore in large letters the name of a dealer in sweet-scented +merchandise, blazoned thereon in all the finery of Dutch metal +and bronze. This conspicuous article, though mysterious and +unaccountable, was not cabalistic, and savored not of witchcraft. + +Presently the quiet colored girl returned, and in a low voice, +and with a subdued well-trained manner, invited her visitor to +follow her; meekly obeying, he was led up two flights of +respectable stairs into a room wherein there was nothing +mysterious, nor was there anything particularly suggestive +except a large glass case filled with a stock of perfumery. What +was the propriety of so very many bottles filled with perfumes +and medicines did not at first appear; but the assortment of +imprisoned odors, and liquid drugs, and the store-sign down +stairs, and Madame Clifton, and a certain perfumery store in +Broadway, and the proprietor thereof, so tangled themselves +together in the brain of the inquirer that he has never since +that time been able to disconnect one from the other. + +Upon a small stand were two packs of cards--the one an ordinary +playing pack, and the other what are known sometimes as +fortune-telling cards. The devices on these latter differed +materially from those in ordinary use; there were no plain cards; +every one was ornamented with some kind of a significant design; +there were pictures of women, of men, of ships and raging seas, +of hearses, and sickbeds, and shrouds, and coffins, and corpses, +and graves, and tombstones, and similar cheerful objects; then +there were squares, and circles, and hands with scales, and +hands with daggers, and hands sticking through clouds, and purses +of money, and carriages, and moons, and suns, and serpents, and +hearts, and Cupids, and eyes, and rays of light coming from +nowhere, and shining on nothing, and Herculeses with big clubs, +and big arms, bigger than the clubs, and big legs, bigger than +both together, and swords, and spears, and sundials, and many +other designs equally intelligible and portentous. + +Soon the Madame appeared, and the attention of the Individual was +immediately diverted from surrounding objects and riveted on the +incomprehensible woman who was "no humbug," and who, according to +her own opinion of herself, would have exactly realized Mr. Edmund +Sparkler's idea of a "dem'd fine woman, with nobigodnonsense about her." + +On the first glance, Madame Clifton is what would be called +"fine-looking," but she does not analyse well. She is of medium +height, aged about thirty-five years, with very light, piercing +blue eyes, and very black hair, one little lock of which is +precisely twisted into a very elaborate little curl, which rests +in the middle of her forehead between her eyes, as if to keep +those quarrelsome orbs apart. Her eyebrows are unusually heavy, +so much so as to give a curious menacing look to the upper part +of her face, which disagreeable expression is intensified by the +extreme paleness of her countenance. + +Her dress was unassuming, neat, and tasteful, save in the one +article of jewelry, of which she wore as much as if the stock in +trade at the Broadway perfumery store had been pearls, and gold, +and diamonds, instead of perfumes and essences. Her deportment +was self-possessed and lady-like, that is, if an expression of +tireless watchfulness and unsleeping suspicion are consistent +with refined and easy manners. She never took her steel-blue eyes +from her visitor's face; she did not for an instant relax her +confident smile; she did not speak but in the lowest softest +tones; but her auditor felt every instant more convinced that the +voice was the falsest voice he ever heard, the smile the falsest +smile he ever saw, and that the cold piercing eye alone was +true, and that was only true because no art could conceal its +calculating glitter. + +If one could imagine a smiling cat, Madame Clifton would resemble +that cat more than any one thing in the world. Neat and precise +in her outward appearance; not a fold of her garments, not a +thread of lace or ribbon, not a hair of her head, but was exactly +smooth and orderly, and in its exact place; not a glance of her +eye that was not watchful and suspicious; not a tone or word that +was not treacherous in sound; not a movement of body or of limb +that was not soft and stealthy; her feline resemblances developed +themselves more and more every instant, until at last the +Individual came to regard her as some kind of dangerous animal in +a state of temporary and perfidious repose. And this impression +deepened every instant, so much so, that when the small soft hand +was laid in his, he almost expected to see the sharp claws +unsheathe themselves from the velvet finger-tips and fasten in +his flesh. + +The language she used, when freed from the technical phrases of +her trade, was good enough for every day, and she did not +distinguish herself by any specialty of bad English. + +She asked her customer, with her most insinuating smile, if he +would have her "run the cards for him," and on receiving an +affirmative answer she took the pack of playing cards into her +velvet hands, pawed them dexterously over a few times to shuffle +them, laid them in three rows with the faces upward, and softly +purred the following words: + +"I am uncertain whether to run you a club or a diamond, for I do +not exactly see how it is; but I will run you a club first, and +if you find that it does not tell your past history, please to +mention the fact to me, and I will then run you a diamond." + +She then proceeded to mention a number of fictitious events which +she asserted had happened in the past life of her listener, but +that individual, who did not find that her revelations agreed +with his own knowledge of his former history, tremblingly +informed her of that fact; and she then, with a most vicious +contraction of the overhanging eyebrows, broke short the thread +of her fanciful story, and proceeded to "run him a diamond." + +She evidently was determined to make the diamond come nearer the +truth--to which end she dexterously strove by a series of very +sharp cross-questionings to elicit some circumstance of his early +history, on which she might enlarge, or to get some clue to his +present circumstances, and hopes, and aspirations, that she might +find some peg on which to hang a prediction with an appearance of +probability. The Individual--with humiliation he confesses it--was +a bachelor. His heart had proved unsusceptible, and Cupid had hitherto +failed to hit him. On this occasion he proved characteristically +unimpressible; and the insinuating smile, the inquiring look, and +the winning manner, all failed of effect, and he remained +pertinaciously non-committal. + +Finding this to be the case, the feline Madame changed her +tactics, and, as if to spite her intractable customer, began to +prophesy innumerable ills and evils for him. She apparently +strove to mitigate, in some degree, the sting of her predictions +by an increased softness of manner, which was only a more +cat-like demeanor than ever. She spoke as follows--the cold eye +growing more cruel, and the wicked smile more treacherous every +instant. First, however, came this guileful question, which was +but a declaration of war under a flag of truce: + +"You do not want me to flatter you, do you? You want me to tell +you exactly what I see in the cards, do you not?" The customer +stated that he was able to bear at least the recital of his +future adversity, even if, when the reality came, he should be +utterly smashed; whereupon she proceeded: + +"I see here a great disappointment; you will be disappointed in +business, and the disappointment will be very bitter and hard to +bear--but that is not all, nor the worst, by any means. I see a +burial--it may be only a death of one of your dearest friends, or +some near relative, such as your sister, but I see that you +yourself are weak in the chest and lungs; you are impulsive, +proud, ambitious, and quick-tempered, which last quality tends +much to aggravate any diseases of the chest, and I fear that the +burial may be your own. Your disease is serious, you cannot live +long, I think--I do not think you will live a year--in fact, there +is the strongest probability that you will die before nine +months. I think you will certainly die before nine months, but if +you survive, it will only be after a most severe and painful +illness, in the course of which you will undergo the extreme of +human suffering. I see that you love a light-complexioned lady, +but her friends object to her marriage with you, and are doing +all they can to prevent it. A dark-complexioned man is trying to +get her away from you; you must beware of him or he will do you +great injury, for he has both the will and the power; he has +already deceived and injured you, and will do so again even more +deeply than he has yet. I see a journey, trouble, and misfortune, +grief, sorrow, heavy loss, and heaviness of heart. I again tell +you that you will die before nine months; but if you chance to +survive, it will only be to encounter perpetual crosses and +misfortunes. I might, if I was disposed to flatter you and give +you false hopes, tell you that you will be lucky, fortunate in +business, that you will get the lady, and I might promise you all +sorts of good luck, but I don't want to flatter you; it would be +much more agreeable to me to tell you a good life, for it +sometimes pains me more than I can tell you to read bad lives to +people, and I feel it very deeply; but I assure you that I never +saw anybody's cards run as badly as do yours--I never saw so many +losses and crosses, and so much trouble and misfortune in +anybody's cards in my whole life--even if you outlive the nine +months you will have the greatest trouble in getting the lady, +and will always have bad luck." + +She then tried by means of the cards to spell out the Inquirer's +name, but failed utterly, not getting a single letter right; then +she recommenced and threatened him with so much bad luck that he +began almost to fear that he would break his leg before he rose +from his chair, or would instantly fall down in a fit and be +carried off to die at the Hospital. She told him that his lucky +days were the 1st, 5th, 17th, 27th, and 29th of every month. Then +perceiving that his feelings were deeply moved by the intractability +of the "cruel parients" of the light-complexioned lady, and the +black look of things generally, she slightly relented, and went +on to say: + +"If you will put your trust in me, and take my advice as a +friend, I can sell you something that will surely secure you the +lady, and thwart all your enemies--it is not for my interest that +I tell you this, for upon my honor I make only five shillings +upon fifty dollars' worth--it is no trick, but it is a charm which +you must wear about you, and which you must wish over about the +girl at stated times, and it will be sure to have the desired +effect." + +The customer asked the price of this wonderful charm. + +"It is from five to fifty dollars, but as you are so +extraordinarily unlucky I would advise you to take the full +charm. It is the _Chinese Ruling Planet Charm_, and I import it +from China at great expense. You must wear it about you, and +every time you use it you must do it in the name of God; so you +see there can be no demon about it. By means of this charm I have +brought together husbands and wives who have been apart for three +years, and I say a woman who can do that is doing good, and there +is no demon about her. While you wear it you will not die or meet +with bad luck, but it will change the whole current of your +life." + +She then told her unlucky hearer to make a wish and she would +tell him by the cards whether he could have it or not. The answer +was in the negative, and it was evident that nothing but the +_Chinese Ruling Planet Charm_ would save him, and no less than +$50 worth of that. So the smiling Madame returned to the charge. +"If you will take my advice as a friend, take the charm; it is +for your sake only that I say this, for I make nothing by it--but +I feel an interest in you, and I wish you would buy the charm for +my sake as well as your own, for I want to see its effect on a +fortune so bad as yours. If you don't buy it, and all kinds of +ill-fortune befalls you, don't say I didn't warn you, and don't +call Madame Clifton a humbug; but if you do buy it, you may be +sure that you will ever bless the day you saw Madame Clifton." + +It is, perhaps, needless to state that the Individual didn't have +with him the fifty dollars to pay for the charm, but intimated +that he would call again, after he got his year's salary. + +She then said: "If you happen to call when I am engaged, tell the +girl to say that you want to see me about _medicine_, and I will +see you, for I never put off anybody who wants _medicine_, no +matter who is with me, say _medicine_, and I will see you +instantly." Here she softly showed her visitor to the door, and +smiled on him until he stood on the outside steps. He then +departed, secretly wondering what kind of "medicine" she was +prepared to furnish in case any unlooked for occasion should +suggest a second call. Her last remark suggested that Madame +Clifton derives a larger profit from the peculiar kinds of +"_medicine_" she deals in, than from all her other witchery. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +Details the particulars of a morning call on Madame Harris, of +No. 80 West 19th Street, and how she covered up her beautiful +head in a black bag. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +MADAME HARRIS, No. 80 WEST 19TH STREET, NEAR SIXTH AVENUE. + + +Madame Harris is one of the most ignorant and filthy of all the +witches of New York. She does not depend entirely on her +"astrology" for her subsistence, but relies on it merely to bring +in a few dollars in the spare hours not occupied in the practice +of the other dirty trades by which she picks up a dishonest +living. She has a good many customers, and in one way and another +she contrives to get a good deal of money from the gullible +public. She has been engaged in business a number of years, and +has thriven much better than she probably would, had she been +employed in an honester avocation. + +The "Individual" paid her a visit, and carefully noted down all +her valuable communications; he has told the whole story in the +words following: + +We all believe in Aladdin, and have as much faith in his uncle as +in our own; but we don't know the pattern of his lamp, we have no +photograph of the genii that obeyed it, and we can make no +correct computation of the market value of the two hundred slaves +with jars of jewels on their heads. The customer, who is +determined that posterity shall be able to make no such complaint +of him or of his history, here solemnly undertakes, upon the +faith of his salary, to relate the unadorned truth, and to +indulge in no _ad libitum_ variations--imagining, while he writes, +that he sees in the distance the critical public, like a +many-headed Gradgrind, singing out lustily for "Facts, sir, +facts." + +The next fact, then, to be investigated and sworn to, is this +Madame Harris, a very dirty female fact indeed, residing in the +upper part of the city, and advertising as follows: + + "MADAME HARRIS.--This mysterious Lady is a wonder to + all--her predictions are so true. She can tell all the + events of life. Office, No. 80 West 19th-st., near + 6th-av. Hours 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Ladies 25 cts.; + Gentlemen 50 cts. She causes speedy marriages; charge + extra." + +Wearily the inquirer plodded his way on foot to West 19th Street, +fearing to trust himself to a stage or car, lest the careless +conversation of the unthinking, and the reprehensible jocularity +of the little boys who hang about the corners of the streets +which intersect the Sixth Avenue, and pelt unwary passengers with +paving-stones, should divert his mind from the importance and +great moral responsibility of his mission. + +After encountering a large assortment of the dangers and +discomforts incident to pedestrianism in New York in muddy +weather, he achieved West 19th street, and stood in sight of the +mysterious domicile of Madame Harris. + +It is a tenement house, shabby-genteel even in its first +pretentious newness; but it has now lost its former appearance +even of semi-respectability, and has degenerated to a state of +dirt only conceivable by those unhappy families who live two in a +house, and are in a constant state of pot-and-kettle war, and of +mutual refusing to clean out the common hall. + +A little mountain of potato skins, and bones, and other kitchen +refuse, round which he was forced to make a detour, plainly said +to the traveller that the population of the house No. 80 were in +the habit of depositing garbage in the gutters, under cover of +the night, and in violation of the city ordinance. A highly-perfumed +atmosphere surrounds this delightful abode, for the first floor +thereof is occupied as a livery stable, which constantly exhales +those sweet and pungent odors peculiar to equine habitations. + +Pulling the sticky bell-handle with as dainty a touch as +possible, the Individual was admitted by a slatternly weak-eyed +girl of about eighteen, with her hair and dress as tumbled as +though she had just been run through a corn-shelling machine, and +who was so unnecessarily dirty that even her face had not been +washed. She was further distinguished by a wart on her nose of +such shape and dimensions that it gave her face the appearance of +being fortified by a many-sided fort, which commanded the whole +countenance. + +This interesting young female welcomed her visitor with a clammy +"Come in," and led the way up stairs, he following, in due dread +of being for ever extinguished by an avalanche of unwashed +keelers and kettles, which were unsteadily piled up on the +landing, and which an incautious touch would have toppled over, +and deluged the stairs with unknown sweet-smelling compounds, +whose legitimate destination was the sewer. On the second floor, +directly, judging from the noise, over the stall of the balkiest +horse in the stable below, is the room of the Madame. + +The customer took an observation: + +The furnishings of the apartment showed an attempt to keep up a +show, which was by far too miserably transparent to hide the +slovenliness which peeped out everywhere through the tawdry +gilding. There were so many oil paintings on the walls, in such +gaudy frames, that it seemed as if the room had been dipped into +a bath of cheap auction pictures, and hadn't been wiped dry, or +had been out in a shower of them, and hadn't come in until it had +got very wet. A broad gilt window cornice stood leaning in the +corner of the room, instead of being in its legitimate place; a +pair of lace curtains were wadded up and thrown in a chair, while +the windows were covered with the commonest painted muslin +shades; a piano-stool stood in the middle of the room, but there +was no piano. + +These were the indications of "better days;" these were the +shallow traps set to inveigle the beholder into a belief in the +opulence of the occupants of this charming residence. + +But the little cooking-stove, on which two smoothing irons were +heating, the scraps of different patterned carpets which hid the +floor, and made it appear as if covered with some kind of +variegated woollen chowder, the second-hand, conciliating +please-buy-me look of the three chairs, and the dirt and greasy +grime which gave a character to the place, told at once the true +state of facts. + +On one side of the room was a little door, evidently +communicating with a closet or small bedroom; on this door was a +slip of tin, on which was painted + + +------------------------------------+ + | | + | Office.--Madam Harris, Astrologist. | + | | + +------------------------------------+ + +and into this "office" the weak-eyed girl disappeared, with a +shame-faced look, as if she had tried to steal her visitor's +pocket-book, and hadn't succeeded. Presently there came from the +closet a sound of half-suppressed merriment, as if a constant +succession of laughs were born there, full grown and boisterous, +but were instantly garroted by some unknown power, until each one +expired in a kind of choky giggle. There was also a noise of the +making of a bed, the hustling of chairs, the putting away of +toilet articles out of sight, and over all was heard the chiding +voice of Madame Harris, who was evidently dressing herself, +superintending these other various operations, and scolding the +weak-eyed maiden all at once. + +At last this latter individual got so far the better of her +jocularity that she was able to deport herself with outward +seriousness when she emerged from the mysterious closet, and said +to the Individual, "Walk in." At this time she was under so great +a head of laugh that she would inevitably have exploded, had she +not, the instant her visitor turned his back, let go her +safety-valve, and relieved herself by a guffaw which would have +been an honor and a credit to any one of the horses on the first +floor. + +The room in which Madame Harris was waiting to receive her +customer was so dark that he stumbled over a chair, and fell +across a bed before he could see where he was. Then he recovered +himself, and took an observation. + +The room was a very small one--so diminutive, indeed, that the +bed, which occupied one side of it, reduced the available space +more than two-thirds. It was partitioned off from the rest of +the room by a dirty patch-work bed-quilt, with more holes than +patches. The walls were scrawled over with pencil-marks, +evidently drawings made by young children, who had the usual +childish notions of proportion and perspective; and on one side +of the wall, near the head of the bed, a bit of pasteboard +persisted in this startling announcement-- + + +----------------+ + | tE_R_ms C_a_sH | + +----------------+ + +A narrow strip of rag carpet was on the floor; a small stand and +a chair completed the furnishing of the room, and a single smoky +pewter lamp exhausted itself in a dismal combat with the gloom, +which constantly got the better of it. + +When the Cash Inquirer stumbled, and took an involuntary leap +into the middle of the bed, an awful voice came out of the +dreariness, saying, "There is a chair right there behind you." +This information proved to be correct, and the discomfited +delegate subsided into it, and gazed stolidly at the Madame. If +Madame Harris were worth as much by the pound as beef, her +market-price would be about twenty-five dollars. She was attired +in a loose morning-gown, of an exceedingly flashy pattern, open +before, disclosing a skirt meant to be white, but whose +cleanliness was merely traditional. Of her countenance her +visitor cannot speak, for it was carefully hidden from his +inquiring gaze, and its unknown beauties are left to the +imagination of the reader. Perched mysteriously on the back of +her head, where it was retained by some feminine hocus-pocus, +which has ever been a sealed mystery to _man_kind, was a little +black bonnet, marvellous in pattern and design; from this +depended a long black veil, covering her countenance, and +disguising her as effectually as if she had washed her face and +put on a clean dress. + +She proceeded at once to business, and opened conversation with +this appropriate remark: "My terms is fifty cents for gentlemen, +and the pay is always in advance." + +Here followed a disbursement on the part of the anxious seeker +after knowledge, and an approving chuckle was heard under the +veil. + +Taking up a pack of cards so overlaid with dirt that it was a +work of time and study to tell a queen from a nine spot, or +distinguish the knaves from the aces, she presented them with the +imperative remark: "Cut them once." + +Then ensued the following wonderful predictions uttered by a +dubious and uncertain voice under the veil--which voice seemed one +minute to come from the mouth, then it issued from the throat, +then it sprawled out of the stomach, then it was heard from the +back of the head under the bonnet, and in the course of a few +minutes it came from so many places, that the puzzled hearer was +dubious as to its exact whereabouts--these curious effects being, +doubtless, attributable to the thick covering over the face. But +its various communications, when gathered together, were found to +sum up as follows: + +"You face back misfortune and trouble, of which you have had +much, but they are now behind you, and you have no more to fear. +You will henceforth be successful in business, you will have a +great deal of money. Your affection card faces up a young woman +with dark eyes and dark hair, about twenty-three years old; she +is older than she has led you to believe; there is a dark-complexioned +man whom you will see in two days, who is your enemy; you may not +know it, but you had better beware of him, for he will do you an +injury, if he can; you will see him and speak with him the night +of day-after-to-morrow. Your marriage card faces up this dark +woman, as I said before. I don't see a great deal of money layin' +round her, but there is plenty of money layin' round you in the +future. Somebody will die and leave you money within nine weeks, +not counting this week. You was born under the planet Mars, which +gives you two lucky days in every week--Mondays and Thursdays; +anything you begin on those days will surely succeed." + +Here she handed the cards to be cut again, which operation +disclosed a new feature in the Individual's matrimonial future, +for she went on to say: + +"There is another woman who faces your love-card, who has light +hair and light eyes; she favors your love-card and will be your +first wife; you will have five children--four girls and one boy; +look out for the dark-complexioned man, for he favors your first +wife, and, though she does not favor him very much, he will try +to get her away from you. Your line of life is long; you will +live to be sixty-eight years old, but you will die very suddenly, +for your line of death crosses your line of life very suddenly, +which always brings sudden death." + +Having given this cheering promise, she again held out the cards +to be cut, and said, "Cut them again now, and make a wish at the +same time, and I will tell you if you will have your wish." + +When the required ceremony had been solemnly performed, she +continued: "You will have your wish, but not right away; don't +expect to get it before week after next, but then you will be +sure to have it, for there is no disappointment in the cards for +you." She then informed her customer that she always answered +unerringly two questions, which he was now at liberty to +propound. He made a couple of inquiries relative to his future +business prospects, and received in reply the promise of most +gratifying results. + +Having then, as he supposed, got his money's worth, he was about +to take his leave, when she interrupted him thus: + +"I have a charm for securing good luck to whoever wears it; you +can wear it, and your most intimate friend would never suspect +it; my charge is one dollar for gentlemen; a great many have +bought it of me; many merchants who were on the point of failing +have come to me and possessed this charm, and been saved; you had +better possess it, for it will be sure to bring you good luck; if +you possess it, you will always be successful in business; Mr. +Lynch of Mott Street possessed it, and has been very lucky ever +since, besides a great number I could name; my advice to you is, +possess the charm." + +She then put her elbows on her knees after the manner of a Fulton +Market apple-pedler, in which classic attitude she awaited an +answer. The decision was not favorable to her hopes; for the +economical customer concluded not to invest in the charm, +although it had brought such excellent fortune to Mr. Lynch of +Mott Street. He departed, encountering again in his progress the +weak-eyed one, who met him with a smile, escorted him to the door +with a great laugh, and dismissed him with a joyous grin. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +Treats of the peculiarities of several Witches in a single +batch. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +A BATCH OF WITCHES. + + +The fortune-tellers so elaborately described in the foregoing +chapters are by no means the only ones in New York, engaged in +that lucrative occupation; there are several others who were +visited by the Individual, but who in their surroundings approach +so nearly to those already set down, that a detailed description +of each would necessarily be a somewhat monotonous repetition. So +the prophecy only of each one is here writ down, with a few words +suggestive of the character of the immediate neighborhood, +leaving the imaginative reader to fill up the blank himself, or +to turn back to some foregoing chapter for a picture of a similar +locality, if he prefers it ready-made to his hands. + + +MADAME DE BELLINI, No. 159 FORSYTH STREET. + +For the benefit of those not familiar with the streets of New +York, it is perhaps well to mention that Forsyth Street is a +dirty thoroughfare, two streets east of the Bowery, and that it +is filled for the most part with small groceries, junk shops, +swill milk dispensaries, and stalls for the sale of diseased +vegetables and decaying fruit, and that the inhabitants are +mostly delegates from Africa, and from the Green Isle of the Sea. + +Immediately adjoining the domicil of Madame de Bellini is a +filthy little vegetable store, and on the opposite corner is an +equally filthy Irish grocery, where are dispensed swill milk and +poisoned whiskey. The residence of the Madame is a low two-story +brick house, of rather better appearance than many of its +neighbors, which are principally wooden buildings with those +old-fashioned peculiar roofs, with little windows close under the +cornice, which make a house look as if it had had its hat knocked +over its eyes. + +Madame de Bellini is a Dutchwoman of very large dimensions, being +a two-hundred-and-fifty-pounder at the lowest estimate. Like most +fat women, she is good-natured and smiling. She is apparently 35 +years old, of pleasant manners, somewhat embarrassed by the +difficulty she has in communicating her ideas in English, and is +much neater in person and dress than the majority of ladies in +the same line of business. She would be a popular bar-maid at a +lager-bier saloon, and would preside over the fortunes of the +sausage and Swiss cheese table, with eminent success, and +satisfaction to the public. + +She welcomed the Cash Customer in a jolly sort of way, introduced +him to her private apartment, and seated him on a chair at one +side of a little table, while she bestowed herself on a stool +opposite. + +Having ascertained that he did not speak German with sufficient +fluency to carry on an animated conversation in that tongue, or +to comprehend a rapidly spoken discourse delivered therein, she +was compelled to ventilate her English, which she did, beginning +as follows: + +"I speak not vera mooch goot English--I speak German and French, +but no goot English." + +The Individual, with his usual caution, inquired how much she +proposed to charge for her services. She responded thus: + +"I tell your for_toon_ fier ein tollar, or I can tell your +for_toon_ fier ein half-tollar." + +Fifty cents' worth was enough to begin with, so she took his left +hand in her huge fist, and as a preliminary operation squeezed it +till he gave it up for lost, and in the intervals of his +suffering hastily ran over in his mind the various ways in which +one-handed people get a living; then she relented and did not +deprive him of that useful member, but said: + +"You have goot hand, vera goot hand--your hand gifs you goot +fortoon. You was born under goot blanet, vera nice blanet, you +have vera nice fortoon. You have mooch rich, vera great monish; +you haf seen drubbles, (trouble) vera mooch drubbles--more +drubbles you haf seen, as you will see some more--dat is, you +shall not have so many drubbles py and py as you haf had long +ago, for you haf goot blanet. You will journeys make mooch in +footoor (future) years. You will have two wifes and mooch kindes +(children) in der footoor years, and you will be vera mooch happy +und bleasant mit der wife vot you shall have der first dime, but +not so mooch happy und bleasant mit der wife vot you shall have +der two time, but you shall vera mooch monish have in der fortoor +years." + +She then released the hand of her visitor, who was very glad to +get it back again, and took up a pack of cards, which she +manipulated in the customary style, and then said: + +"Your carts run vera nice; you have goot carts; here is a +shentleman's as ish vera goot to you, he is great friends mit +you: here is a letter vot you shall be come to you right avays +vera soon--it ish goot news to you; you must do joost vot das +letter says. Here ish a brown girls vot lofs (loves) you vera +mooch, but you do not lofs dat girls, so much as das girls lofs +you--you will not be der vife of das girl, for there is anunther +girls vot you lofs bretty bad und you will marry her; she is +bretty goot girls und you will be happy, you will hof lots of +kindes mit das girls. Das girls haf a man now vos lof her vera +mooch--he is was you call das soldier; he lofs her mooch but he +shall not hof her, you shall hof das girls. Here is great man was +will be good friend to you; he ish vera great man, a big king; +not vas you call der koenig, but your big mans, your, vos is das, +your bresident--de bresident bees goot friends mit you--here is +dark mans, he ish no goot friend mit you, und you must keep away +from das dark mans." + +This was all the information she appeared to derive from this +pack, which were ordinary playing cards, so she laid them aside +and took up the regular fortune-telling cards, which are covered +with various mysterious devices. These did not seem to communicate +anything of very special importance in addition to what she had +already said, for she examined them closely and then merely +summed up as follows: + +"Goot fortoon, goot blanet, goot vifes, blenty monish, mooch +kindes, not more troubles in der footoor years, big friends, +bresident mooch friends mit you, lif long, ninety-nine years +before you die, leave fortoon to vife und two kindes." + +The Individual was curious to inquire wherein the fifty-cent dose +he had received, differed from the fortunes for which she charged +"ein tollar," and he received the following information: + +"For ein tollar I gifs you a charm as you vears on your necks, +und it gifs you goot luck for ever, und you never gets drownded, +und you lifs long viles, und you bees rich und vera mooch happy." + +The Madame was also good-natured enough to exhibit one of these +powerful charms to her customer. It was a piece of parchment, +originally about four inches square, but which had been scalloped +on the edges, and otherwise cut and carved; on it were inscribed +in German, several cabalistic words; this potent document was to +be always worn next the heart. + +Madame de Bellini has been in New York but a year or two; she +speaks French and German, and is taking lessons in English from +an American lady. She has many customers, mostly German, and, as +in the case of all the other witches, the greatest majority of +her visitors are women. + + +MADAME LEBOND, No. 175 HUDSON STREET. + +The house in which this woman was sojourning at the time of the +visit hereinafter described, is a boarding-house, and the room of +the Madame is the back parlor on the second floor. + +The Individual was received at the door by a short, greasy, dirty +man, about forty years of age, who invited him into the front +parlor, to wait until the Madame was disengaged. This man, who is +an ignorant, half-imbecile person, passes for the husband of the +fortune teller, and is known as _Doctor_ Lebond. He is a man of +peculiar appearance; the top of his head is perfectly bald, and +the fringe of hair about the lower part of it, is twisted into +long corkscrew ringlets, that fall low down on his shoulders. + +He informed the customer that the Madame was then engaged, but he +seemed undecided about the exact nature of her present employment. +He first said she was "tellin' the futur for a young gal;" then +she was "engaged with a literary man;" then "a dry-goods merchant +wanted to find out if his head clerk didn't drink;" but finally +he said that "Madame L. is a eatin' of her dinner." After some +ingenious drawing-out, the _Doctor_ vouchsafed the subjoined +statement of his business prospects. + +"We seen the time when we hadn't fifteen minutes a day, on +account of young gals a comin' for to have their fortune told; we +used to be busy from mornin' till ten and 'levin o'clock at night +a-tellin' fortunes an' a doctorin'--but now, we don't do so much +'cause the young gals don't like to come to a boardin'-house +where young men can see 'em, 'specially in the evenin'. We's too +public here; the young men a-boardin' here likes for to have the +young gals come, they likes for to see 'em in the parlor, but the +young gals won't come so much, 'cause we's too public. We'll have +for to get another house on account of business. + +"I don't get so much doctorin' to do as I used to, 'cause we's +too public. I have doctored lots of folks, principally young +fellers and young gals, and I can do it right. If you ever get +into any trouble you'll find me and my wife _all right_; you can +come to us--we mean to be all right, and to give everybody the +worth of their money, and we _is_ all right." + +By this time, Madame Lebond had finished her dinner, and was +waiting in the back parlor. She is a fat, slovenly-looking woman, +forty years old or more, having no teeth, and taking prodigious +quantities of snuff, which gives her enunciation some peculiar +characteristics. + +When the Individual first beheld her, she was standing in the +middle of the floor, picking her teeth. She requested her visitor +to take a seat, and to pay her half-a-dollar, with both of which +requests he complied. She then put into his hand the end of a +brass tube about an inch in diameter and a foot long, and said: +"Give be the tibe of your birth as dear as possible." + +This was done, and the following brief dialogue ensued:-- + +"Was you bord id the bording?" + +"I really don't remember." + +"Do you have beddy dreabs?" + +"I do not dream much." + +"Thed you dod't have bad dreabs?" + +"No." + +"Thed you was bord id the bording," by which mysterious word she +probably meant, "morning." She then continued:-- + +"You are a pretty keed sbart chap--sharp id busidess, but dot good +id speculatiods, ad you should codfide your attedtiods to +busidess. If you keep od as you are goidg dow, ad works hard, ad +dod't bix id bad cobpady, ad is hodest, ad dod't spend your +buddy, you will be rich. You will travel buch--you _have_ +travelled buch, but your travels is hardly begud; there is a +lodg jourdey at sea dow before you, ad you will start od this +jourdey bost udexpectedly; you will always be lucky, ad will be +very rich. I dod't say dothin' to flatter do wud; lots of fellers +ad gals cub here ad I tell theb all jest what I see; if I see bad +luck I tell theb so; but yours is all good luck, ad I see lots of +it for you. You have had bad luck lately, but you will get over +your bad luck for you are a pretty sbardt chap, ad have got a +good deal of abbitiod, ad you go ahead pretty well. You will +barry a gal--a gal as you have seed but dod't know. Very well, she +is a youdg gal, ad a rich gal, ad a good-lookidg gal; you will +dot barry her for sobe tibe, but you will barry her at last. She +has a beau ad you will likely have sobe trouble with hib, but you +will get the gal at last. The gal has light hair ad blue eyes, ad +I cad show her to you if you would like to see her." + +Of course the visitor liked to see her; so he was directed to +clasp the brass tube in his right hand, and place his hand over +the top. Then she stepped behind his chair and began to go +through with some extraordinary manual exercises on his head. She +felt of the bumps, she squeezed his head, punched it, jerked it +from side to side, and twisted it about in every possible +direction. What was the object and intention of this performance +she did not disclose, but when she had kneaded his unfortunate +skull to her satisfaction, she bade him step to the window and +look into the tube. + +This he did, and he saw a very dingy-looking daguerreotype of a +fair-haired damsel with blue eyes, who bore, of course, not the +most distant resemblance to any lady of his acquaintance. + +Then the fat Madame had a charm to sell, to be worn about the +neck, and never taken off, in which case it would secure for the +wearer "good luck" for ever. + +The Individual declined to purchase and departed, meeting at the +door the curly _Doctor_, who once again offered his medical +services in case the stranger ever got into "trouble," and who +once again assured that person with an air of mystery that "me +and my wife is all right--yes, you may depend, we is all right, we +is." + + +MADAME MAR, AND MADAME DE GORE, No. 176 VARICK STREET. + +These two eminent sorceresses are in partnership, and drive a +tolerably fair trade. They advertise in the papers, one week the +heading being "Madame Mar, assisted by Madame de Gore," and the +next week, it will be "Madame de Gore, assisted by Madame Mar," +and the profits of the business are shared in the same impartial +manner. + +The house, No. 176, is in the worst part of Varick Street, and +the room occupied by the pair of witches is over a boot and shoe +store, and a pawnbroker's shop is directly opposite. + +The room is a small parlor, neatly though plainly furnished, and +with no professional implements visible. When the inquirer made +his call, Madame de Gore was engaged in the kitchen, in her +various household duties, and Madame Mar attended to his call. +She is a tall and rather pleasing woman, neatly dressed and of +quiet manners. + +She secured a dollar in advance, and then led her customer into a +little closet-like room, furnished only with a small table and +two chairs. She then announced that she is a "phrenologist," and +exhibited a plaster bust with the "bumps" scientifically marked +out, and also some phrenological charts and other publications. +She proceeded to give the character of her visitor in the usual +mode of phrenological examinations, after which she prophesied as +follows: + +"You were born between Jupiter and Mars, with such stars you can +never be unlucky, for although you have seen trouble, it is past. +Your luck runs in threes and fives--that is, you are unlucky three +years in succession, and lucky the five years following. You are +never _very_ unlucky, but you do not do so well in your third +house as in your fifth house. You could not be unlucky in your +fifth house if you tried. You have now two months to run in your +third house, then comes on your fifth house. Just now your life +seems to be under a cloud, but after two months you will come out +bright and will enjoy five years of clear sunshine, and you will +then be very wealthy. You will have more money then than you ever +will again, though you will always have plenty. Your wealth runs +14 at the end of five years; after that runs 131/2, which is very +wealthy. You will marry a young girl, wealthy and beautiful. You +will raise two daughters, but you will never have a large family. +You will be the father of many children, but your family will +never be more than two children. You will go in business with a +very wealthy Southern man, his wealth runs 14--he has two sons and +a daughter. You will marry the daughter, though you will be +opposed by the father and one son, but the other son will stick +by you. You will live with that wife twenty-five years, then she +will die and you will travel with your two daughters. You will go +to Europe. In England you will marry a French widow. Your two +daughters will marry well, and at 72 or 73 years old you will +die, leaving a widow, two daughters, and a large fortune." + +Madame de Gore did not make her appearance at all, and after +Madame Mar had failed to induce her visitor to pay her an extra +dollar for a phrenological chart, she politely showed him out. + + +MADAME LANE, No. 159 MULBERRY STREET. + +This distinguished lady lives in a dirty, dilapidated mansion, at +the corner of Grand and Mulberry Streets. The Cash Customer was +admitted by the Madame herself, who desired him to be seated for +a few minutes, until she had concluded her business with a boy of +about 17 years old, who had called to find out what would be the +winning numbers in the next Georgia lottery. Two dirty-faced +children were playing about the room, making a great noise. + +One corner of the room was fenced off with rough boards, forming +a narrow closet, in which two people could, with some difficulty, +sit down. This was the astrological chamber; the mystic room +into which visitors were conducted to have their fortunes told. + +Madame Lane is of the Irish breed; is red-haired, freckled, and +dirty to a degree. Her dress was ragged, showing a soiled, dingy +petticoat through the rents. + +She seated her customer in the little room, produced a pack of +cards, and proceeded to tell his future, at times shouting out +threats and words of warning to the noisy brats outside. Then she +said: + +"You are a man as has seen a great deal of trouble in the past." + +It will be noticed that this is almost a universal remark with +the witches, probably because it is a perfectly safe thing to +assert of any person in the world. + +"Yes, you have seen trouble in the past, not _real_ trouble, such +as sickness, or losses in business, but still, trouble, and your +mind has been going this way and that way and t'other way, but +now all your trouble and disappointment is past, and your mind +won't go this way and that way any more. Stop that noise you +brats or I'll beat you." (This to the children.) + +"Your cards run lucky, 'cause you were born under Jupiter, and +folks as is borned under Jupiter will always be lucky in +business, in love, and in everything they undertake. If your +business sometimes goes this way, and that way, and t'other way, +it will all come out right, for when a man is borned under +Jupiter he must be all right in his business, and in his love, +and in his marriage, and in his children. Young ones stop that +noise or I'll beat you black and blue. You have had sickness +lately and your mind has been going this way, and that way, and +t'other way, but you need not worry for it will be all right +soon. Children stop that row or clear right out to the kitchen. +Now mind. I tell you. I see a girl here that loves you very much, +but you don't love her and won't marry her, but you will marry +another girl with black whiskers; no, I mean the feller that is +coortin' her has got black whiskers, and I fear you will have +trouble with black whiskers if you are not careful--the girl has +got black hair and is miserable because you don't write to her. +I'm coming after you, young ones there, with a raw hide and I'll +cut the skin off your backs. You will marry this gal and you will +be very happy, and will have three children, which will be joys +to you. Children, I'll come and kill you in two minutes. And you +will always be prosperous in your business, and you will be very +rich, and you will live to be eighty-five years old. Now you can +cut the cards and make a wish and I will tell you if it will come +true. Yes, your wish will come true, because you have cut the +knave, and queen, and king--if you'd like a speedy marriage with +the gal I told you of, I'll fix it for you for fifty cents extra; +children if you don't shut up I'll come and beat you blind." + +The Individual invested a half-dollar as requested, and received +in return a white powder with these instructions;-- + +"You will burn that powder just before you get into bed, and if +you see the gal to-night you won't see no change in her, but she +will be changed to-morrow. She is kinder down on you now, but she +loves you though her mind is kinder this way and that way, but +she will be changed toward you to-night by what I will do after +you are gone." + +The customer departed, leaving this fond mother engaged in an +active skirmish with the two children, both of whom finally +escaped into the street with great howlings. + +Madame Lane does a good business. She says that in pleasant +weather she has from twenty-five to fifty calls a-day, mostly +women; but in bad weather not more than fifteen or twenty, and +these of the other sex. Many of these come only to learn lucky +numbers for lottery gambling, and policy playing. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +Conclusion. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +CONCLUSION. + + +It has been already mentioned that there are a number of persons +in the city who do more or less in the fortune-telling way, who +never advertise for customers. These we must leave to their own +seclusion; as our business has been with those who make a +business of this species of swindling, and who use all manner of +arts to entice the curious, or the credulous, into their dens, +there not only robbing them of their money, but often putting +them in the way to be injured much more deeply. This, of course, +is especially the case with young girls. + +In order to give the readers of this book an idea of the part +taken by these fortune-telling women in many of the terrible +dramas of crime constantly enacting in city life, an extract +showing the _modus operandi_ is here inserted. It is from one of +a series of very useful little books published in this city, and +entitled, "Tricks and Traps of New York." + +Speaking of New York fortune-tellers, the author says, having +previously indulged in some severe remarks about "yellow-covered" +novels: + +"To see how the fortune-teller performs her part, let us suppose +a case: + +"A young, credulous girl, whose mind has been poisoned by the +class of fictions above referred to, is induced to visit a modern +witch, for the purpose of having her 'fortune told.' The woman is +very shrewd, and perceives, in a moment, the kind of customer she +has to deal with. Understanding her business well, she is +perfectly aware that love and marriage--courtship, lovers, and +wedded bliss--are the subjects which are most agreeable. + +"She begins by complimenting her customer: 'such beautiful eyes, +such elegant hair, such a charming form, and graceful manners, +are altogether too fine for a servant or working girl.' She must +surely be intended for a higher station in life, and she will +certainly attain it. She will rise in the world, by marriage, and +will one day be one of the finest ladies in the land. Her husband +will be the handsomest man she has ever seen, and her children +will be the most beautiful in the world. Fortune-tellers always +foretell many children to their female customers; for the +instinct of maternity, the yearning desire for offspring, is one +of the strongest feelings of human nature. + +"Much more of this sort is said; and if the witch finds her talk +eagerly listened to, she knows exactly how to proceed. She +appoints days for other visits; for she desires to get as many +half-dollars out of her dupe as she can. Meantime, the girl has +been thinking of what she has heard, has pictured to herself a +brilliant future--a rich husband--every luxury and enjoyment--and, +upon the whole, has built so many castles in the air, that her +brain is half-bewildered. Even though she may not believe a +tittle of what is said to her, feminine curiosity will generally +lead her to make a second visit; and when the fortune-teller sees +her come upon a like errand a second time, she sets down her prey +as tolerably sure and lays her plans accordingly. + +"She goes on to state to the girl, in her usual rigmarole style, +that she will, in a few weeks, meet with a lover; and perhaps she +may receive a present of jewelry; and by that she will know that +the 'handsome young man' has seen, and been smitten by her many +charms. + +"When the half-believing girl has gone, the scheming sorceress +calls to her aid her confederate in the game--the party who is to +personate 'the handsome young man.' This is usually a spruce-looking +fellow, who makes this particular kind of work his regular business; +or it may be some rich debauchee, who is seeking another victim, +will come and lie in wait, either behind the curtain or in the +next room, where, through some well-contrived crevice, he can see +and hear all that is going on. One or the other of these men it +is that is to assist the witch in fulfilling her prophecies; who +is, at the proper time, to be in the way to personate the 'young +beau,' or 'rich southerner,' and to induce her to visit a house +of assignation, or, in some way, accomplish her ruin. + +"Persons who have been puzzled to know how many of the young +fellows get their living who are seen about town, always well +dressed, and with plenty of cash, and yet having no apparently +respectable means of living, will find a future solution of their +questions in this explanation. Many of these men are 'kept' by +their mistresses, or by the proprietors of houses of ill-fame; in +the latter case, to make acquaintance with strangers, and to +bring business to those houses. They are often very fine-looking +and well-appearing men, and possessed of good natural abilities; +but, from laziness or crime, or some other cause, adopt the +meanest possible business a man can stoop to. Humiliating as this +may seem, and degrading as it is to poor human nature, what we +state is, nevertheless, the literal truth. + +"But, to come back to our supposed case. A few days after her +visit to the witch, the girl actually does, perhaps, receive a +present, as the witch predicted; this not only pleases her vanity +and love of admiration, but disposes her to put confidence in the +powers of the fortune-teller to read coming events. Straightway +the deluded girl goes again to the witch, to tell how things have +fallen out, as she foretold, and to seek further light upon the +subject. It is now the cue of the prophetess to describe the +young man. This she does in glowing terms; never failing to endow +him with a large fortune; and the poor girl goes away with her +head more turned than ever." + + * * * * * + +"Enraptured with a description, or sight of the picture of her +fond love, the deluded girl is now all anxiety to see him in +person. The witch accordingly gives her some magical powder +(price one dollar), which she is to put under her pillow every +night for seven nights, or wear next her heart for nine days, or +some other nonsense of that kind, at the end of which time, she +is told to take the ferry-boat to Hoboken or some such place, at +a certain hour in the afternoon, and somewhere on her route she +will have a sight of the gentleman she is almost crazed to see. +The result is plain, the 'gentleman' is there as foretold, an +acquaintance is commenced, and the girl is ultimately ruined. + +"We have been thus particular to give, step by step, the details +of the mode of management pursued in these cases. There are, of +course, many varieties, dictated by the circumstances of each +case, but the general features and the _result_, are the same. + +"The incidents above given are the outlines of a real case in +which the end of the conspirators was accomplished; the girl, +however, was rescued by the Managers of the Magdalen Asylum, and +is now leading a blameless life." + +The "Individual" has now concluded his labors, and he hopes not +without profit to the community at large. + +He has heard it urged that this book will merely advertise the +fortune-tellers, and that they will go on driving a more +flourishing trade than ever. He cannot think that this will be +the case; he cannot believe that any persons who read in this +book the candid exposition of the style of necromancy dealt out +by the modern Circes, will be willing to pay money for any +personal experience of them, and he respectfully submits that +although they have heretofore been consulted by many ladies of +respectability, from motives of mere curiosity, those ladies will +risk no further visits when they learn that they may with as much +propriety visit any other assignation house, as a fortune-teller's den. + +A recapitulation of the various prophecies made to the Cash +Customer would show that he has been promised thirty-three wives, +and something over ninety children--that he was brought into the +world on various occasions between 1820 and 1833--that he was born +under nearly all the planets known to astronomers--that he has +more birth-places than he has fingers and toes--that he has passed +through so many scenes of unexpected happiness and complicated +misfortune in his past life, that he must have lived fifty hours +to the day and been wide awake all the time--and he has so many +future fortunes marked out for him that at three hundred and +fifty years old his work will not be half done, and when at last +all _is_ finally accomplished, a minute dissection of his aged +corpus will be necessary, that his earthly remains may be buried +in all the places set down for him by these prophets. + +But aside from a humorous contemplation of the subjects, he +trusts he has done his work well; he is sure he has done it +faithfully, and he honestly hopes that some good may come of his +labors to write down here honestly the ignorance and imbecility +of The Witches of New York. + + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Witches of New York, by +Q. K. Philander Doesticks + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WITCHES OF NEW YORK *** + +***** This file should be named 31717.txt or 31717.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/7/1/31717/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Irma Spehar and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/31717.zip b/31717.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..255e813 --- /dev/null +++ b/31717.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..21b8aca --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #31717 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/31717) |