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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Pursuit of the House-Boat, by John
+Kendrick Bangs
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions 
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at 
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Pursuit of the House-Boat
+
+
+Author: John Kendrick Bangs
+
+
+
+Release Date: September 1, 2019  [eBook #3169]
+[This file was first posted on January 30, 2001]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT***
+
+
+Transcribed from the 1919 Harper and Brothers edition by David Price,
+email ccx074@pglaf.org
+
+      [Picture: The Stranger drew forth a bundle of business cards]
+
+
+
+
+
+                            THE PURSUIT OF THE
+                                HOUSE-BOAT
+
+
+                           _BEING SOME FURTHER_
+                         _ACCOUNT OF THE DOINGS_
+                       _OF THE ASSOCIATED SHADES_,
+                          _UNDER THE LEADERSHIP_
+                        _OF SHERLOCK HOLMES ESQ._
+
+                                    BY
+                           JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
+                AUTHOR OF “A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX,” ETC.
+
+                               ILLUSTRATED
+
+                      [Picture: Decorative graphic]
+
+                           LONDON AND NEW YORK
+                           HARPER AND BROTHERS
+                         45, ALBEMARLE STREET, W.
+                                   1919
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                          FOURTEENTH IMPRESSION
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+    CHAP.                                                         PAGE
+       I.  The Associated Shades take Action                         1
+      II.  The Stranger Unravels a Mystery and Reveals              19
+           Himself
+     III.  The Search-Party is Organized                            42
+      IV.  On Board the House-Boat                                  58
+       V.  A Conference on Deck                                     73
+      VI.  A Conference Below-Stairs                                89
+     VII.  The “Gehenna” is Chartered                              105
+    VIII.  On Board the “Gehenna”                                  121
+      IX.  Captain Kidd Meets with an Obstacle                     139
+       X.  A Warning Accepted                                      157
+      XI.  Marooned                                                172
+     XII.  The Escape and the End                                  189
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+“The Stranger drew forth a bundle of business           _Frontispiece_
+cards”
+“Dr. Johnson’s point is well taken”                                  8
+“What has all this got to do with the question?”                    10
+“Poor old Boswell was pushed overboard”                             22
+“Three rousing cheers, led by Hamlet, had been                      42
+given”
+“A black person by the name of Friday finds a                       54
+bottle”
+Madame Récamier has a plan                                          66
+The hard features of Captain Kidd were thrust                       70
+through
+“Here’s a kettle of fish!” said Kidd                                74
+“Every bloomin’ million was represented by a                        84
+certified check, an’ payable in London”
+Queen Elizabeth desires an axe and one hour of her                  90
+olden power
+“The committee on treachery is ready to report”                    102
+“You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter”                           108
+“In the dead of night he had stolen quietly up the                 118
+gang-plank”
+Shem in the lookout                                                128
+Judge Blackstone refuses to climb to the mizzentop                 126
+Captain Kidd consents to be cross-examined by                      148
+Portia
+Kidd’s companions endeavouring to restore                          154
+evaporating portions of his anatomy with a
+steam-atomizer
+“He told us we were going to Paris”                                160
+“You are a very clear-headed young woman, Lizzie,”                 170
+said Mrs. Noah
+“That ought to be a lesson to you”                                 178
+“The pirates made a mad dash down the rough, rocky                 180
+hill-side”
+“Now, my child,” said Mrs. Noah, firmly, “I do not                 192
+wish any words”
+“A great helpless hulk ten feet to the rear”                       200
+
+I
+
+
+
+THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION
+
+
+THE House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the River
+Styx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn from its
+moorings and navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful pirate
+Captain Kidd, aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly inhabitants
+of Hades.  Like a thief in the night had they come, and for no better
+reason than that the Captain had been unanimously voted a shade too shady
+to associate with self-respecting spirits had they made off with the
+happy floating club-house of their betters; and worst of all, with them,
+by force of circumstances over which they had no control, had sailed also
+the fair Queen Elizabeth, the spirited Xanthippe, and every other
+strong-minded and beautiful woman of Erebean society, whereby the men
+thereof were rendered desolate.
+
+“I can’t stand it!” cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his accustomed
+grace he presided over a special meeting of the club, called on the bank
+of the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the missing boat had been
+moored.  “Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of England, Calpurnia of
+Rome, Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious jewel in our social diadem
+gone, vanished completely; and with whom?  Kidd, of all men in the
+universe!  Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian—”
+
+“Don’t take on so, my dear Sir Walter,” said Socrates, cheerfully.
+“What’s the use of going into hysterics?  You are not a woman, and should
+eschew that luxury.  Xanthippe is with them, and I’ll warrant you that
+when that cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the effects of the
+sea, say the third day out, Kidd and his crew will be walking the plank,
+and voluntarily at that.”
+
+“But the House-boat itself,” murmured Noah, sadly.  “That was my delight.
+It reminded me in some respects of the Ark.”
+
+“The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore,” retorted
+Socrates.  “For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a club to go to;
+I can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and straight.  Xanthippe
+always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of one quart of water to the
+finger.”
+
+“Well, we didn’t all marry Xanthippe,” put in Cæsar firmly, “therefore we
+are not all satisfied with the situation.  I, for one, quite agree with
+Sir Walter that something must be done, and quickly.  Are we to sit here
+and do nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our wives with impunity?”
+
+“Not at all,” interposed Bonaparte.  “The time for action has arrived.
+All things considered, he is welcome to Marie Louise, but the idea of
+Josephine going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my heart.”
+
+“No question about it,” observed Dr. Johnson.  “We’ve got to do something
+if it is only for the sake of appearances.  The question really is, what
+shall be done first?”
+
+“I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering the
+matter of further action afterwards,” suggested Shakespeare, and it was
+this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the necessity for
+immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called for their various
+favorite beverages it was found that there were none to be had, it being
+Sunday, and all the establishments wherein liquid refreshments were
+licensed to be sold being closed—for at the time of writing the local
+government of Hades was in the hands of the reform party.
+
+“What!” cried Socrates.  “Nothing but Styx water and vitriol, Sundays?
+Then the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe comes with it or
+not.  Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after all.  This ruffian
+should be captured at once and made an example of.”
+
+“Excuse me, Socrates,” put in Lindley Murray, “but, ah—pray speak in
+Greek hereafter, will you, please?  When you attempt English you have a
+beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are offensive to
+the ear of a purist.”
+
+“This is no time to discuss style, Murray,” interposed Sir Walter.
+“Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases; he may even
+part his infinitives in the middle, for all I care.  We have affairs of
+greater moment in hand.”
+
+“We must ransack the earth,” cried Socrates, “until we find that boat.
+I’m dry as a fish.”
+
+“There he goes again!” growled Murray.  “Dry as a fish!  What fish, I’d
+like to know, is dry?”
+
+“Red herrings,” retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at the
+expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown more and more
+melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined.
+
+“Then it is settled,” said Raleigh; “something must be done.  And now the
+point is, what?”
+
+“Relief expeditions have a way of finding things,” suggested Dr.
+Livingstone.  “Or rather of being found by the things they go out to
+relieve.  I propose that we send out a number of them.  I will take
+Africa; Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General Washington
+may have North America; and—”
+
+“I beg pardon,” put in Dr. Johnson, “but have you any idea, Dr.
+Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House-boat of ours,
+and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels?”
+
+“No such absurd idea ever entered my head,” retorted the Doctor.
+
+“Do you, then, believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged in
+the pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing down the Alps?”
+persisted the philosopher.
+
+“Not at all.  Why do you ask?” queried the African explorer, irritably.
+
+“Because I wish to know,” said Johnson.  “That is always my motive in
+asking questions.  You propose to go looking for a house-boat in Central
+Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in search of it
+through Europe—all of which strikes me as nonsense.  This search is the
+work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers.  You might as well ask Confucius to
+look for it in the heart of China.  What earthly use there is in
+ransacking the earth I fail to see.  What we need is a navel expedition
+to scour the sea, unless it is pretty well understood in advance that we
+believe Kidd has hauled the boat out of the water, and is now using it
+for a roller-skating rink or a bicycle academy in Ohio, or for some other
+purpose for which neither he nor it was designed.”
+
+               [Picture: Dr. Johnson’s point is well taken]
+
+“Dr. Johnson’s point is well taken,” said a stranger who had been sitting
+upon the string-piece of the pier, quietly, but with very evident
+interest, listening to the discussion.  He was a tall and excessively
+slender shade, “like a spirt of steam out of a teapot,” as Johnson put it
+afterwards, so slight he seemed.  “I have not the honor of being a member
+of this association,” the stranger continued, “but, like all well-ordered
+shades, I aspire to the distinction, and I hold myself and my talents at
+the disposal of this club.  I fancy it will not take us long to establish
+our initial point, which is that the gross person who has so foully
+appropriated your property to his own base uses does not contemplate
+removing it from its keel and placing it somewhere inland.  All the
+evidence in hand points to a radically different conclusion, which is my
+sole reason for doubting the value of that conclusion.  Captain Kidd is a
+seafarer by instinct, not a landsman.  The House-boat is not a house, but
+a boat; therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson so well
+says, in the Sahara Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio, but
+upon the high sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of the world’s
+great cities.”
+
+“And what, then, would be your plan?” asked Sir Walter, impressed by the
+stranger’s manner as well as by the very manifest reason in all that he
+had said.
+
+“The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped for the
+purpose of pursuit.  Ascertain whither the House-boat has sailed, for
+what port, and start at once.  Have you a model of the House-boat within
+reach?” returned the stranger.
+
+“I think not; we have the architect’s plans, however,” said the chairman.
+
+“We had, Mr. Chairman,” said Demosthenes, who was secretary of the House
+Committee, rising, “but they are gone with the House-boat itself.  They
+were kept in the safe in the hold.”
+
+A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger.
+
+“That’s too bad,” he said.  “It was a most important part of my plan that
+we should know about how fast the House-boat was.”
+
+“Humph!” ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed sarcasm.  “If you’ll
+take Xanthippe’s word for it, the House-boat was the fastest yacht
+afloat.”
+
+“I refer to the matter of speed in sailing,” returned the stranger,
+quietly.  “The question of its ethical speed has nothing to do with it.”
+
+“The designer of the craft is here,” said Sir Walter, fixing his eyes
+upon Sir Christopher Wren.  “It is possible that he may be of assistance
+in settling that point.”
+
+         [Picture: What has all this got to do with the question]
+
+“What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr. Chairman?”
+asked Solomon, rising impatiently and addressing Sir Walter.  “We aren’t
+preparing for a yacht-race, that I know of.  Nobody’s after a cup, or a
+championship of any kind.  What we do want is to get our wives back.  The
+Captain hasn’t taken more than half of mine along with him, but I am
+interested none the less.  The Queen of Sheba is on board, and I am
+somewhat interested in her fate.  So I ask you what earthly or unearthly
+use there is in discussing this question of speed in the House-boat.  It
+strikes me as a woful waste of time, and rather unprecedented too, that
+we should suspend all rules and listen to the talk of an entire
+stranger.”
+
+“I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon,” said Johnson, dryly,
+“but I must say that the gentleman’s remarks rather interest me.”
+
+“Of course they do,” ejaculated Solomon.  “He agreed with you.  That
+ought to make him interesting to everybody.  Freaks usually are.”
+
+“That is not the reason at all,” retorted Dr. Johnson.  “Cold water
+agrees with me, but it doesn’t interest me.  What I do think, however, is
+that our unknown friend seems to have a grasp on the situation by which
+we are confronted, and he’s going at the matter in hand in a very
+comprehensive fashion.  I move, therefore, that Solomon be laid on the
+table, and that the privileges of the—ah—of the wharf be extended
+indefinitely to our friend on the string-piece.”
+
+The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the stranger
+resumed.
+
+“I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon, whose wisdom
+I have always admired, and whose endurance as the husband of three
+hundred wives has filled me with wonder,” he said, “that before starting
+in pursuit of the stolen vessel we must select a craft of some sort for
+the purpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is quite essential that
+we should choose a vessel of greater speed than the one we desire to
+overtake.  It would hardly be proper, I think, if the House-boat can sail
+four knots an hour to attempt to overhaul her with a launch, or other
+nautical craft, with a maximum speed of two knots an hour.”
+
+“Hear! hear!” ejaculated Cæsar.
+
+“That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed of your
+late club-house,” said the stranger, bowing courteously to Solomon.
+“Now, if Sir Christopher Wren can give me her measurements, we can very
+soon determine at about what rate she is leaving us behind under
+favorable circumstances.”
+
+“’Tisn’t necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the sort,” said
+Noah, rising and manifesting somewhat more heat than the occasion seemed
+to require.  “As long as we are discussing the question I will take the
+liberty of stating what I have never mentioned before, that the designer
+of the House-boat merely appropriated the lines of the Ark.  Shem, Ham,
+and Japhet will bear testimony to the truth of that statement.”
+
+“There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr. Chairman,” assented Sir
+Christopher, with cutting frigidity.  “I am perfectly willing to admit
+that practically the two vessels were built on the same lines, but with
+modifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty miles to windward
+and back in six days’ less time than it would have taken the Ark to cover
+the same distance, and it could have taken all the wash of the excursion
+steamers into the bargain.”
+
+“Bosh!” ejaculated Noah, angrily.  “Strip your old tub down to a flying
+balloon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with elephants until
+every inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and she’d outfoot you on
+every leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr.  Give me the Ark and a breeze, and
+your House-boat wouldn’t be within hailing distance of her five minutes
+after the start if she had 40,000 square yards of canvas spread before a
+gale.”
+
+“This discussion is waxing very unprofitable,” observed Confucius.  “If
+these gentlemen cannot be made to confine themselves to the subject that
+is agitating this body, I move we call in the authorities and have them
+confined in the bottomless pit.”
+
+“I did not precipitate the quarrel,” said Noah.  “I was merely trying to
+assist our friend on the string-piece.  I was going to say that as the
+Ark was probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christopher Wren’s—tub,
+which he himself says can take care of all the wash of the excursion
+boats, thereby becoming on his own admission a wash-tub—”
+
+“Order! order!” cried Sir Christopher.
+
+“I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled by a launch or
+any other craft with a speed of thirty knots a mouth,” continued Noah,
+ignoring the interruption.
+
+“Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!” sneered Sir Christopher.
+
+“Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, I’ll admit,”
+retorted Noah, “if she’d sprung a leak at the right time.”
+
+“Granting the truth of Noah’s statement,” said Sir Walter, motioning to
+the angry architect to be quiet—“not that we take any side in the issue
+between the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument—I wish to
+ask the stranger who has been good enough to interest himself in our
+trouble what he proposes to do—how can you establish your course in case
+a boat were provided?”
+
+“Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?” put in Shylock.
+
+A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark.
+
+“The cost need not trouble you, sir,” said Sir Walter, indignantly,
+addressing the stranger; “you will have carte blanche.”
+
+“Den ve are ruint!” cried Shylock, displaying his palms, and showing by
+that act a select assortment of diamond rings.
+
+“Oh,” laughed the stranger, “that is a simple matter.  Captain Kidd has
+gone to London.”
+
+“To London!” cried several members at once.  “How do you know that?”
+
+“By this,” said the stranger, holding up the tiny stub end of a cigar.
+
+“Tut-tut!” ejaculated Solomon.  “What child’s play is this!”
+
+“No, your Majesty,” observed the stranger, “it is not child’s play; it is
+fact.  That cigar end was thrown aside here on the wharf by Captain Kidd
+just before he stepped on board the House-boat.”
+
+“How do you know that?” demanded Raleigh.  “And granting the truth of the
+assertion, what does it prove?”
+
+“I will tell you,” said the stranger.  And he at once proceeded as
+follows.
+
+
+
+
+II
+THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF
+
+
+“I HAVE made a hobby of the study of cigar ends,” said the stranger, as
+the Associated Shades settled back to hear his account of himself.  “From
+my earliest youth, when I used surreptitiously to remove the unsmoked
+ends of my father’s cigars and break them up, and, in hiding, smoke them
+in an old clay pipe which I had presented to me by an ancient sea-captain
+of my acquaintance, I have been interested in tobacco in all forms, even
+including these self-same despised unsmoked ends; for they convey to my
+mind messages, sentiments, farces, comedies, and tragedies which to your
+minds would never become manifest through their agency.”
+
+The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a more compact
+mass about the speaker.  It was evident that they were beginning to feel
+an unusual interest in this extraordinary person, who had come among them
+unheralded and unknown.  Even Shylock stopped calculating percentages for
+an instant to listen.
+
+“Do you mean to tell us,” demanded Shakespeare, “that the unsmoked stub
+of a cigar will suggest the story of him who smoked it to your mind?”
+
+“I do,” replied the stranger, with a confident smile.  “Take this one,
+for instance, that I have picked up here upon the wharf; it tells me the
+whole story of the intentions of Captain Kidd at the moment when, in
+utter disregard of your rights, he stepped aboard your House-boat, and,
+in his usual piratical fashion, made off with it into unknown seas.”
+
+“But how do you know he smoked it?” asked Solomon, who deemed it the part
+of wisdom to be suspicious of the stranger.
+
+“There are two curious indentations in it which prove that.  The marks of
+two teeth, with a hiatus between, which you will see if you look
+closely,” said the stranger, handing the small bit of tobacco to Sir
+Walter, “make that point evident beyond peradventure.  The Captain lost
+an eye-tooth in one of his later raids; it was knocked out by a
+marine-spike which had been hurled at him by one of the crew of the
+treasure-ship he and his followers had attacked.  The adjacent teeth were
+broken, but not removed.  The cigar end bears the marks of those two
+jagged molars, with the hiatus, which, as I have indicated, is due to the
+destruction of the eye-tooth between them.  It is not likely that there
+was another man in the pirate’s crew with teeth exactly like the
+commander’s, therefore I say there can be no doubt that the cigar end was
+that of the Captain himself.”
+
+“Very interesting indeed,” observed Blackstone, removing his wig and
+fanning himself with it; “but I must confess, Mr. Chairman, that in any
+properly constituted law court this evidence would long since have been
+ruled out as irrelevant and absurd.  The idea of two or three hundred
+dignified spirits like ourselves, gathered together to devise a means for
+the recovery of our property and the rescue of our wives, yielding the
+floor to the delivering of a lecture by an entire stranger on ‘Cigar Ends
+He Has Met,’ strikes me as ridiculous in the extreme.  Of what earthly
+interest is it to us to know that this or that cigar was smoked by
+Captain Kidd?”
+
+“Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover the whereabouts
+of the said Kidd,” interposed the stranger.  “It is by trifles, seeming
+trifles, that the greatest detective work is done.  My friends Le Coq,
+Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth will bear me out in this, I think, however much
+in other respects our methods may have differed.  They left no stone
+unturned in the pursuit of a criminal; no detail, however trifling,
+uncared for.  No more should we in the present instance overlook the
+minutest bit of evidence, however irrelevant and absurd at first blush it
+may appear to be.  The truth of what I say was very effectually proven in
+the strange case of the Brokedale tiara, in which I figured somewhat
+conspicuously, but which have never made public, because it involves a
+secret affecting the integrity of one of the noblest families in the
+British Empire.  I really believe that mystery was solved easily and at
+once because I happened to remember that the number of my watch was
+86507B.  How trivial and yet how important it was, to what then
+transpired, you will realize when I tell you the incident.”
+
+             [Picture: Poor old Boswell was pushed overboard]
+
+The stranger’s manner was so impressive that there was a unanimous and
+simultaneous movement upon the part of all present to get up closer, so
+as the more readily to hear what he said, as a result of which poor old
+Boswell was pushed overboard, and fell, with a loud splash into the Styx.
+Fortunately, however, one of Charon’s pleasure-boats was close at hand,
+and in a short while the dripping, sputtering spirit was drawn into it,
+wrung out, and sent home to dry.  The excitement attending this diversion
+having subsided, Solomon asked:
+
+“What was the incident of the lost tiara?”
+
+“I am about to tell you,” returned the stranger; “and it must be
+understood that you are told in the strictest confidence, for, as I say,
+the incident involves a state secret of great magnitude.  In life—in the
+mortal life—gentlemen, I was a detective by profession, and, if I do say
+it, who perhaps should not, I was one of the most interesting for purely
+literary purposes that has ever been known.  I did not find it necessary
+to go about saying ‘Ha! ha!’ as M. Le Coq was accustomed to do to
+advertise his cleverness; neither did I disguise myself as a drum-major
+and hide under a kitchen-table for the purpose of solving a mystery
+involving the abduction of a parlor stove, after the manner of the
+talented Hawkshaw.  By mental concentration alone, without fireworks or
+orchestral accompaniment of any sort whatsoever, did I go about my
+business, and for that very reason many of my fellow-sleuths were forced
+to go out of real detective work into that line of the business with
+which the stage has familiarized the most of us—a line in which nothing
+but stupidity, luck, and a yellow wig is required of him who pursues it.”
+
+“This man is an impostor,” whispered Le Coq to Hawkshaw.
+
+“I’ve known that all along by the mole on his left wrist,” returned
+Hawkshaw, contemptuously.
+
+“I suspected it the minute I saw he was not disguised,” returned Le Coq,
+knowingly.  “I have observed that the greatest villains latterly have
+discarded disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and therefore of no
+avail, and merely a useless expense.”
+
+“Silence!” cried Confucius, impatiently.  “How can the gentleman proceed,
+with all this conversation going on in the rear?”
+
+Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately subsided, and the stranger went on.
+
+“It was in this way that I treated the strange case of the lost tiara,”
+resumed the stranger.  “Mental concentration upon seemingly insignificant
+details alone enabled me to bring about the desired results in that
+instance.  A brief outline of the case is as follows: It was late one
+evening in the early spring of 1894.  The London season was at its
+height.  Dances, fêtes of all kinds, opera, and the theatres were in full
+blast, when all of a sudden society was paralyzed by a most audacious
+robbery.  A diamond tiara valued at £50,000 sterling had been stolen from
+the Duchess of Brokedale, and under circumstances which threw society
+itself and every individual in it under suspicion—even his Royal Highness
+the Prince himself, for he had danced frequently with the Duchess, and
+was known to be a great admirer of her tiara.  It was at half-past eleven
+o’clock at night that the news of the robbery first came to my ears.  I
+had been spending the evening alone in my library making notes for a
+second volume of my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, I was on
+the point of going out for my usual midnight walk on Hampstead Heath,
+when one of my servants, hastily entering, informed me of the robbery.  I
+changed my mind in respect to my midnight walk immediately upon receipt
+of the news, for I knew that before one o’clock some one would call upon
+me at my lodgings with reference to this robbery.  It could not be
+otherwise.  Any mystery of such magnitude could no more be taken to
+another bureau than elephants could fly—”
+
+“They used to,” said Adam.  “I once had a whole aviary full of winged
+elephants.  They flew from flower to flower, and thrusting their
+probabilities deep into—”
+
+“Their what?” queried Johnson, with a frown.
+
+“Probabilities—isn’t that the word?  Their trunks,” said Adam.
+
+“Probosces, I imagine you mean,” suggested Johnson.
+
+“Yes—that was it.  Their probosces,” said Adam.  “They were great
+honey-gatherers, those elephants—far better than the bees, because they
+could make so much more of it in a given time.”
+
+Munchausen shook his head sadly.  “I’m afraid I’m outclassed by these
+antediluvians,” he said.
+
+“Gentlemen! gentlemen!” cried Sir Walter.  “These interruptions are
+inexcusable!”
+
+“That’s what I think,” said the stranger, with some asperity.  “I’m
+having about as hard a time getting this story out as I would if it were
+a serial.  Of course, if you gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I can
+stop; but it must be understood that when I do stop I stop finally, once
+and for all, because the tale has not a sufficiency of dramatic climaxes
+to warrant its prolongation over the usual magazine period of twelve
+months.”
+
+“Go on! go on!” cried some.
+
+“Shut up!” cried others—addressing the interrupting members, of course.
+
+“As I was saying,” resumed the stranger, “I felt confident that within an
+hour, in some way or other, that case would be placed in my hands.  It
+would be mine either positively or negatively—that is to say, either the
+person robbed would employ me to ferret out the mystery and recover the
+diamonds, or the robber himself, actuated by motives of
+self-preservation, would endeavor to direct my energies into other
+channels until he should have the time to dispose of his ill-gotten
+booty.  A mental discussion of the probabilities inclined me to believe
+that the latter would be the case.  I reasoned in this fashion: The
+person robbed is of exalted rank.  She cannot move rapidly because she is
+so.  Great bodies move slowly.  It is probable that it will be a week
+before, according to the etiquette by which she is hedged about, she can
+communicate with me.  In the first place, she must inform one of her
+attendants that she has been robbed.  He must communicate the news to the
+functionary in charge of her residence, who will communicate with the
+Home Secretary, and from him will issue the orders to the police, who,
+baffled at every step, will finally address themselves to me.  ‘I’ll give
+that side two weeks,’ I said.  On the other hand, the robber: will he
+allow himself to be lulled into a false sense of security by counting on
+this delay, or will he not, noting my habit of occasionally entering upon
+detective enterprises of this nature of my own volition, come to me at
+once and set me to work ferreting out some crime that has never been
+committed?  My feeling was that this would happen, and I pulled out my
+watch to see if it were not nearly time for him to arrive.  The robbery
+had taken place at a state ball at the Buckingham Palace.  ‘H’m!’ I
+mused.  ‘He has had an hour and forty minutes to get here.  It is now
+twelve-twenty.  He should be here by twelve-forty-five.  I will wait.’
+And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself up for the
+meeting, I sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer.  Hardly had I
+perused a page when there came a tap upon my door.  I rose with a smile,
+for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened the door, and there
+stood, much to my surprise, the husband of the lady whose tiara was
+missing.  It was the Duke of Brokedale himself.  It is true he was
+disguised.  His beard was powdered until it looked like snow, and he wore
+a wig and a pair of green goggles; but I recognized him at once by his
+lack of manners, which is an unmistakable sign of nobility.  As I opened
+the door, he began:
+
+“‘You are Mr. —’
+
+“‘I am,’ I replied.  ‘Come in.  You have come to see me about your stolen
+watch.  It is a gold hunting-case watch with a Swiss movement; loses five
+minutes a day; stem-winder; and the back cover, which does not bear any
+inscription, has upon it the indentations made by the molars of your son
+Willie when that interesting youth was cutting his teeth upon it.’”
+
+“Wonderful!” cried Johnson.
+
+“May I ask how you knew all that?” asked Solomon, deeply impressed.
+“Such penetration strikes me as marvellous.”
+
+“I didn’t know it,” replied the stranger, with a smile.  “What I said was
+intended to be jocular, and to put Brokedale at his ease.  The Americans
+present, with their usual astuteness, would term it bluff.  It was.  I
+merely rattled on.  I simply did not wish to offend the gentleman by
+letting him know that I had penetrated his disguise.  Imagine my
+surprise, however, when his eye brightened as I spoke, and he entered my
+room with such alacrity that half the powder which he thought disguised
+his beard was shaken off on to the floor.  Sitting down in the chair I
+had just vacated, he quietly remarked:
+
+“‘You are a wonderful man, sir.  How did you know that I had lost my
+watch?’
+
+“For a moment I was nonplussed; more than that, I was completely
+staggered.  I had expected him to say at once that he had not lost his
+watch, but had come to see me about the tiara; and to have him take my
+words seriously was entirely unexpected and overwhelmingly surprising.
+However, in view of his rank, I deemed it well to fall in with his
+humour.  ‘Oh, as for that,’ I replied, ‘that is a part of my business.
+It is the detective’s place to know everything; and generally, if he
+reveals the machinery by means of which he reaches his conclusions, he is
+a fool, since his method is his secret, and his secret his
+stock-in-trade.  I do not mind telling you, however, that I knew your
+watch was stolen by your anxious glance at my clock, which showed that
+you wished to know the time.  Now most rich Americans have watches for
+that purpose, and have no hesitation about showing them.  If you’d had a
+watch, you’d have looked at it, not at my clock.’
+
+“My visitor laughed, and repeated what he had said about my being a
+wonderful man.
+
+“‘And the dents which my son made cutting his teeth?’ he added.
+
+“‘Invariably go with an American’s watch.  Rubber or ivory rings aren’t
+good enough for American babies to chew on,’ said I.  ‘They must have
+gold watches or nothing.’
+
+“‘And finally, how did you know I was a rich American?’ he asked.
+
+“‘Because no other can afford to stop at hotels like the Savoy in the
+height of the season,’ I replied, thinking that the jest would end there,
+and that he would now reveal his identity and speak of the tiara.  To my
+surprise, however, he did nothing of the sort.
+
+“‘You have an almost supernatural gift,’ he said.  ‘My name is Bunker.  I
+am stopping at the Savoy.  I _am_ an American.  I _was_ rich when I
+arrived here, but I’m not quite so bloated with wealth as I was, now that
+I have paid my first week’s bill.  I _have_ lost my watch; such a watch,
+too, as you describe, even to the dents.  Your only mistake was that the
+dents were made by my son John, and not Willie; but even there I cannot
+but wonder at you, for John and Willie are twins, and so much alike that
+it sometimes baffles even their mother to tell them apart.  The watch has
+no very great value intrinsically, but the associations are such that I
+want it back, and I will pay £200 for its recovery.  I have no clew as to
+who took it.  It was numbered—’
+
+“Here a happy thought struck me.  In all my description of the watch I
+had merely described my own, a very cheap affair which I had won at a
+raffle.  My visitor was deceiving me, though for what purpose I did not
+on the instant divine.  No one would like to suspect him of having
+purloined his wife’s tiara.  Why should I not deceive him, and at the
+same time get rid of my poor chronometer for a sum that exceeded its
+value a hundredfold?”
+
+“Good business!” cried Shylock.
+
+The stranger smiled and bowed.
+
+“Excellent,” he said.  “I took the words right out of his mouth.  ‘It was
+numbered 86507B!’ I cried, giving, of course, the number of my own watch.
+
+“He gazed at me narrowly for a moment, and then he smiled.  ‘You grow
+more marvellous at every step.  That was indeed the number.  Are you a
+demon?’
+
+“‘No,’ I replied.  ‘Only something of a mind-reader.’
+
+“Well, to be brief, the bargain was struck.  I was to look for a watch
+that I knew he hadn’t lost, and was to receive £200 if I found it.  It
+seemed to him to be a very good bargain, as, indeed, it was, from his
+point of view, feeling, as he did, that there never having been any such
+watch, it could not be recovered, and little suspecting that two could
+play at his little game of deception, and that under any circumstances I
+could foist a ten-shilling watch upon him for two hundred pounds.  This
+business concluded, he started to go.
+
+“‘Won’t you have a little Scotch?’ I asked, as he started, feeling, with
+all that prospective profit in view, I could well afford the expense.
+‘It is a stormy night.’
+
+“‘Thanks, I will,’ said he, returning and seating himself by my
+table—still, to my surprise, keeping his hat on.
+
+“‘Let me take your hat,’ I said, little thinking that my courtesy would
+reveal the true state of affairs.  The mere mention of the word hat
+brought about a terrible change in my visitor; his knees trembled, his
+face grew ghastly, and he clutched the brim of his beaver until it
+cracked.  He then nervously removed it, and I noticed a dull red mark
+running about his forehead, just as there would be on the forehead of a
+man whose hat fitted too tightly; and that mark, gentlemen, had the
+undulating outline of nothing more nor less than a tiara, and on the apex
+of the uttermost extremity was a deep indentation about the size of a
+shilling, that could have been made only by some adamantine substance!
+The mystery was solved!  The robber of the Duchess of Brokedale stood
+before me.”
+
+A suppressed murmur of excitement went through the assembled spirits, and
+even Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le Coq were silent in the presence of such
+genius.
+
+“My plan of action was immediately formulated.  The man was completely at
+my mercy.  He had stolen the tiara, and had it concealed in the lining of
+his hat.  I rose and locked the door.  My visitor sank with a groan into
+my chair.
+
+“‘Why did you do that?’ he stammered, as I turned the key in the lock.
+
+“‘To keep my Scotch whiskey from evaporating,’ I said, dryly.  ‘Now, my
+lord,’ I added, ‘it will pay your Grace to let me have your hat.  I know
+who you are.  You are the Duke of Brokedale.  The Duchess of Brokedale
+has lost a valuable tiara of diamonds, and you have not lost your watch.
+Somebody has stolen the diamonds, and it may be that somewhere there is a
+Bunker who has lost such a watch as I have described.  The queer part of
+it all is,’ I continued, handing him the decanter, and taking a couple of
+loaded six-shooters out of my escritoire—‘the queer part of it all is
+that I have the watch and you have the tiara.  We’ll swap the swag.  Hand
+over the bauble, please.’
+
+“‘But—’ he began.
+
+“‘We won’t have any butting, your Grace,’ said I.  ‘I’ll give you the
+watch, and you needn’t mind the £200; and you must give me the tiara, or
+I’ll accompany you forthwith to the police, and have a search made of
+your hat.  It won’t pay you to defy me.  Give it up.’
+
+“He gave up the hat at once, and, as I suspected, there lay the tiara,
+snugly stowed away behind the head-band.
+
+“‘You are a great fellow,’ said I, as I held the tiara up to the light
+and watched with pleasure the flashing brilliance of its gems.
+
+“‘I beg you’ll not expose me,’ he moaned.  ‘I was driven to it by
+necessity.’
+
+“‘Not I,’ I replied.  ‘As long as you play fair it will be all right.
+I’m not going to keep this thing.  I’m not married, and so have no use
+for such a trifle; but what I do intend is simply to wait until your wife
+retains me to find it, and then I’ll find it and get the reward.  If you
+keep perfectly still, I’ll have it found in such a fashion that you’ll
+never be suspected.  If, on the other hand, you say a word about
+to-night’s events, I’ll hand you over to the police.’
+
+“‘Humph!’ he said.  ‘You couldn’t prove a case against me.’
+
+“‘I can prove any case against anybody,’ I retorted.  ‘If you don’t
+believe it, read my book,’ I added, and I handed him a copy of my
+memoirs.
+
+“‘I’ve read it,’ he answered, ‘and I ought to have known better than to
+come here.  I thought you were only a literary success.’  And with a
+deep-drawn sigh he took the watch and went out.  Ten days later I was
+retained by the Duchess, and after a pretended search of ten days more I
+found the tiara, restored it to the noble lady, and received the £5000
+reward.  The Duke kept perfectly quiet about our little encounter, and
+afterwards we became stanch friends; for he was a good fellow, and was
+driven to his desperate deed only by the demands of his creditors, and
+the following Christmas he sent me the watch I had given him, with the
+best wishes of the season.
+
+“So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, by quick wit and a mental
+concentration of no mean order, combined with strict observance of the
+pettiest details, I ferreted out what bade fair to become a great diamond
+mystery; and when I say that this cigar end proves certain things to my
+mind, it does not become you to doubt the value of my conclusions.”
+
+“Hear! hear!” cried Raleigh, growing tumultuous with enthusiasm.
+
+“Your name? your name?” came from all parts of the wharf.
+
+The stranger, putting his hand into the folds of his coat, drew forth a
+bundle of business cards, which he tossed, as the prestidigitator tosses
+playing-cards, out among the audience, and on each of them was found
+printed the words:
+
+                          SHERLOCK HOLMES,
+
+                             DETECTIVE.
+
+                        FERRETING DONE HERE.
+
+                        _Plots for Sale_.
+
+“I think he made a mistake in not taking the £200 for the watch.  Such
+carelessness destroys my confidence in him,” said Shylock, who was the
+first to recover from the surprise of the revelation.
+
+
+
+
+III
+THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED
+
+
+“WELL, Mr. Holmes,” said Sir Walter Raleigh, after three rousing cheers,
+led by Hamlet, had been given with a will by the assembled spirits,
+“after this demonstration in your honor I think it is hardly necessary
+for me to assure you of our hearty co-operation in anything you may
+venture to suggest.  There is still manifest, however, some desire on the
+part of the ever-wise King Solomon and my friend Confucius to know how
+you deduce that Kidd has sailed for London, from the cigar end which you
+hold in your hand.”
+
+      [Picture: Three rousing cheers, led by Hamlet, had been given]
+
+“I can easily satisfy their curiosity,” said Sherlock Holmes, genially.
+“I believe I have already proven that it is the end of Kidd’s cigar.  The
+marks of the teeth have shown that.  Now observe how closely it is
+smoked—there is barely enough of it left for one to insert between his
+teeth.  Now Captain Kidd would hardly have risked the edges of his
+mustache and the comfort of his lips by smoking a cigar down to the very
+light if he had had another; nor would he under any circumstances have
+smoked it that far unless he were passionately addicted to this
+particular brand of the weed.  Therefore I say to you, first, this was
+his cigar; second, it was the last one he had; third, he is a confirmed
+smoker.  The result, he has gone to the one place in the world where
+these Connecticut hand-rolled Havana cigars—for I recognize this as one
+of them—have a real popularity, and are therefore more certainly
+obtainable, and that is at London.  You cannot get so vile a cigar as
+that outside of a London hotel.  If I could have seen a quarter-inch more
+of it, I should have been able definitely to locate the hotel itself.
+The wrappers unroll to a degree that varies perceptibly as between the
+different hotels.  The Fortuna cigar can be smoked a quarter through
+before its wrapper gives way; the Felix wrapper goes as soon as you light
+the cigar; whereas the River, fronting on the Thames, is surrounded by a
+moister atmosphere than the others, and, as a consequence, the wrapper
+will hold really until most people are willing to throw the whole thing
+away.”
+
+“It is really a wonderful art!” said Solomon.
+
+“The making of a Connecticut Havana cigar?” laughed Holmes.  “Not at all.
+Give me a head of lettuce and a straw, and I’ll make you a box.”
+
+“I referred to your art—that of detection,” said Solomon.  “Your logic is
+perfect; step by step we have been led to the irresistible conclusion
+that Kidd has made for London, and can be found at one of these hotels.”
+
+“And only until next Tuesday, when he will take a house in the
+neighborhood of Scotland Yard,” put in Holmes, quickly, observing a sneer
+on Hawkshaw’s lips, and hastening to overwhelm him by further evidence of
+his ingenuity.  “When he gets his bill he will open his piratical eyes so
+wide that he will be seized with jealousy to think of how much more
+refined his profession has become since he left it, and out of mere pique
+he will leave the hotel, and, to show himself still cleverer than his
+modern prototypes, he will leave his account unpaid, with the result that
+the affair will be put in the hands of the police, under which
+circumstances a house in the immediate vicinity of the famous police
+headquarters will be the safest hiding-place he can find, as was
+instanced by the remarkable case of the famous Penstock bond robbery.  A
+certain churchwarden named Hinkley, having been appointed cashier
+thereof, robbed the Penstock Imperial Bank of £1,000,000 in bonds, and,
+fleeing to London, actually joined the detective force at Scotland Yard,
+and was detailed to find himself, which of course he never did, nor would
+he ever have been found had he not crossed my path.”
+
+Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into space, and Le Coq muttered profane
+words under his breath.
+
+“We’re not in the same class with this fellow, Hawkshaw,” said Le Coq.
+“You could tap your forehead knowingly eight hours a day through all
+eternity with a sledge-hammer without loosening an idea like that.”
+
+“Nevertheless I’ll confound him yet,” growled the jealous detective.  “I
+shall myself go to London, and, disguised as Captain Kidd, will lead this
+visionary on until he comes there to arrest me, and when these club
+members discover that it is Hawkshaw and not Kidd he has run to earth,
+we’ll have a great laugh on Sherlock Holmes.”
+
+“I am anxious to hear how you solved the bond-robbery mystery,” said
+Socrates, wrapping his toga closely about him and settling back against
+one of the spiles of the wharf.
+
+“So are we all,” said Sir Walter.  “But meantime the House-boat is
+getting farther away.”
+
+“Not unless she’s sailing backwards,” sneered Noah, who was still nursing
+his resentment against Sir Christopher Wren for his reflections upon the
+speed of the Ark.
+
+“What’s the hurry?” asked Socrates.  “I believe in making haste slowly;
+and on the admission of our two eminent naval architects, Sir Christopher
+and Noah, neither of their vessels can travel more than a mile a week,
+and if we charter the _Flying Dutchman_ to go in pursuit of her we can
+catch her before she gets out of the Styx into the Atlantic.”
+
+“Jonah might lend us his whale, if the beast is in commission,” suggested
+Munchausen, dryly.  “I for one would rather take a state-room in Jonah’s
+whale than go aboard the _Flying Dutchman_ again.  I made one trip on the
+_Dutchman_, and she’s worse than a dory for comfort; further—I don’t see
+what good it would do us to charter a boat that can’t land oftener than
+once in seven years, and spends most of her time trying to double the
+Cape of Good Hope.”
+
+“My whale is in commission,” said Jonah, with dignity.  “But Baron
+Munchausen need not consider the question of taking a state-room aboard
+of her.  She doesn’t carry second-class passengers.  And if I took any
+stock in the idea of a trip on the _Flying Dutchman_ amounting to a seven
+years’ exile, I would cheerfully pay the Baron’s expenses for a round
+trip.”
+
+“We are losing time, gentlemen,” suggested Sherlock Holmes.  “This is a
+moment, I think, when you should lay aside personal differences and
+personal preferences for immediate action.  I have examined the wake of
+the House-boat, and I judge from the condition of what, for want of a
+better term, I may call the suds, when she left us the House-boat was
+making ten knots a day.  Almost any craft we can find suitably manned
+ought to be able to do better than that; and if you could summon Charon
+and ascertain what boats he has at hand, it would be for the good of all
+concerned.”
+
+“That’s a good plan,” said Johnson.  “Boswell, see if you can find
+Charon.”
+
+“I am here already, sir,” returned the ferryman, rising.  “Most of my
+boats have gone into winter quarters, your Honor.  The _Mayflower_ went
+into dry dock last week to be calked up; the _Pinta_ and the _Santa
+Maria_ are slow and cranky; the _Monitor_ and the _Merrimac_ I haven’t
+really had time to patch up; and the _Valkyrie_ is two months overdue.  I
+cannot make up my mind whether she is lost or kept back by excursion
+steamers.  Hence I really don’t know what I can lend you.  Any of these
+boat I have named you could have had for nothing; but my others are
+actively employed, and I couldn’t let them go without a serious
+interference with my business.”
+
+The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the opposite shore.
+It was quite evident that he realized what a dreadful expense the club
+was about to be put to, and while of course there would be profit in it
+for him, he was sincerely sorry for them.
+
+“I repeat,” he added, “those boats you could have had for nothing, but
+the others I’d have to charge you for, though of course I’ll give you a
+discount.”
+
+And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that discount should
+be an eighth or one-quarter of one per cent.
+
+“The _Flying Dutchman_,” he pursued, “ain’t no good for your purposes.
+She’s too fast.  She’s built to fly by, not to stop.  You’d catch up with
+the House-boat in a minute with her, but you’d go right on and disappear
+like a visionary; and as for the Ark, she’d never do—with all respect to
+Mr. Noah.  She’s just about as suitable as any other waterlogged
+cattle-steamer’d be, and no more—first-rate for elephants and kangaroos,
+but no good for cruiser-work, and so slow she wouldn’t make a ripple high
+enough to drown a gnat going at the top of her speed.  Furthermore, she’s
+got a great big hole in her bottom, where she was stove in by running
+afoul of—Mount Arrus-root, I believe it was called when Captain Noah went
+cruising with that menagerie of his.”
+
+“That’s an unmitigated falsehood!” cried Noah, angrily.  “This man talks
+like a professional amateur yachtsman.  He has no regard for facts, but
+simply goes ahead and makes statements with an utter disregard of the
+truth.  The Ark was not stove in.  We beached her very successfully.  I
+say this in defence of my seamanship, which was top-notch for my day.”
+
+“Couldn’t sail six weeks without fouling a mountain-peak!” sneered Wren,
+perceiving a chance to get even.
+
+“The hole’s there, just the same,” said Charon.  “Maybe she was a
+centreboard, sad that’s where you kept the board.”
+
+“The hole is there because it was worn there by one of the elephants,”
+retorted Noah.  “You get a beast like the elephant shuffling one of his
+fore-feet up and down, up and down, a plank for twenty-four hours a day
+for forty days in one of your boats, and see where your boat would be.”
+
+“Thanks,” said Charon, calmly.  “But the elephants don’t patronize my
+line.  All the elephants I’ve ever seen in Hades waded over, except
+Jumbo, and he reached his trunk across, fastened on to a tree limb with
+it, and swung himself over.  However, the Ark isn’t at all what you want,
+unless you are going to man her with a lot of centaurs.  If that’s your
+intention, I’d charter her; the accommodations are just the thing for a
+crew of that kind.”
+
+“Well, what do you suggest?” asked Raleigh, somewhat impatiently.
+“You’ve told us what we can’t do.  Now tell us what we can do.”
+
+“I’d stay right here,” said Charon, “and let the ladies rescue
+themselves.  That’s what I’d do.  I’ve had the honor of bringing ’em over
+here, and I think I know ’em pretty well.  I’ve watched ’em close, and
+it’s my private opinion that before many days you’ll see your club-house
+sailing back here, with Queen Elizabeth at the hellum, and the other
+ladies on the for’ard deck knittin’ and crochetin’, and tearin’ each
+other to pieces in a conversational way, as happy as if there never had
+been any Captain Kidd and his pirate crew.”
+
+“That suggestion is impossible,” said Blackstone, rising.  “Whether the
+relief expedition amounts to anything or not, it’s good to be set going.
+The ladies would never forgive us if we sat here inactive, even if they
+were capable of rescuing themselves.  It is an accepted principle of law
+that this climate hath no fury like a woman left to herself, and we’ve
+got enough professional furies hereabouts without our aiding in
+augmenting the ranks.  We must have a boat.”
+
+“It’ll cost you a thousand dollars a week,” said Charon.
+
+“I’ll subscribe fifty,” cried Hamlet.
+
+“I’ll consult my secretary,” said Solomon, “and find out how many of my
+wives have been abducted, and I’ll pay ten dollars apiece for their
+recovery.”
+
+“That’s liberal,” said Hawkshaw.  “There are sixty-three of ’em on board,
+together with eighty of his fiancées.  What’s the quotation on fiancées,
+King Solomon?”
+
+“Nothing,” said Solomon.  “They’re not mine yet, and it’s their father’s
+business to get ’em back.  Not mine.”
+
+Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long before everybody
+save Shylock had put his name down for something.  This some one of the
+more quick-witted of the spirits soon observed, and, with reckless
+disregard of the feelings of the Merchant of Venice, began to call,
+“Shylock!  Shylock!  How much?”
+
+The Merchant tried to leave the pier, but his path was blocked.
+
+“Subscribe, subscribe!” was the cry.  “How much?”
+
+“Order, gentlemen, order!” said Sir Walter, rising and holding a bottle
+aloft.  “A black person by the name of Friday, a valet of our friend Mr.
+Crusoe, has just handed me this bottle, which he picked up ten minutes
+ago on the bank of the river a few miles distant.  It contains a bit of
+paper, and may perhaps give us a clew based upon something more
+substantial than even the wonderful theories of our new brother Holmes.”
+
+      [Picture: A black person by the name of Friday finds a bottle]
+
+A deathly silence followed the chairman’s words, as Sir Walter drew a
+corkscrew from his pocket and opened the bottle.  He extracted the paper,
+and, as he had surmised, it proved to be a message from the missing
+vessel.  His face brightening with a smile of relief, Sir Walter read,
+aloud:
+
+“Have just emerged into the Atlantic Club in hands of Kidd and forty
+ruffians.  One hundred and eighty-three ladies on board.  Headed for the
+Azores.  Send aid at once.  All well except Xanthippe, who is seasick in
+the billiard-room.  (Signed) Portia.”
+
+“Aha!” cried Hawkshaw.  “That shows how valuable the Holmes theory is.”
+
+“Precisely,” said Holmes.  “No woman knows anything about seafaring, but
+Portia is right.  The ship is headed for the Azores, which is the first
+tack needed in a windward sail for London under the present conditions.”
+
+The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the cry for
+Shylock’s subscription began again, but he declined.
+
+“I had intended to put up a thousand ducats,” he said, defiantly, “but
+with that woman Portia on board I won’t give a red obolus!” and with that
+he wrapped his cloak about him and stalked off into the gathering shadows
+of the wood.
+
+And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and the shapely
+twin-screw steamer the _Gehenna_ was chartered of Charon, and put under
+the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who, after he had thanked the company
+for their confidence, walked abstractedly away, observing in strictest
+confidence to himself that he had done well to prepare that bottle
+beforehand and bribe Crusoe’s man to find it.
+
+“For now,” he said, with a chuckle, “I can get back to earth again free
+of cost on my own hook, whether my eminent inventor wants me there or
+not.  I never approved of his killing me off as he did at the very height
+of my popularity.”
+
+
+
+
+IV
+ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+
+MEANWHILE the ladies were not having such a bad time, after all.  Once
+having gained possession of the House-boat, they were loath to think of
+ever having to give it up again, and it is an open question in my mind if
+they would not have made off with it themselves had Captain Kidd and his
+men not done it for them.
+
+“I’ll never forgive these men for their selfishness in monopolizing all
+this,” said Elizabeth, with a vicious stroke of a billiard-cue, which
+missed the cue-ball and tore a right angle in the cloth.  “It is not
+right.”
+
+“No,” said Portia.  “It is all wrong; and when we get back home I’m going
+to give my beloved Bassanio a piece of my mind; and if he doesn’t give in
+to me, _I’ll_ reverse my decision in the famous case of Shylock _versus_
+Antonio.”
+
+“Then I sincerely hope he doesn’t give in,” retorted Cleopatra, “for I
+swear by all my auburn locks that that was the very worst bit of
+injustice ever perpetrated.  Mr. Shakespeare confided to me one night, at
+one of Mrs. Cæsar’s card-parties, that he regarded that as the biggest
+joke he ever wrote, and Judge Blackstone observed to Antony that the
+decision wouldn’t have held in any court of equity outside of Venice.  If
+you owe a man a thousand ducats, and it costs you three thousand to get
+them, that’s your affair, not his.  If it cost Antonio every drop of his
+bluest blood to pay the pound of flesh, it was Antonio’s affair, not
+Shylock’s.  However, the world applauds you as a great jurist, when you
+have nothing more than a woman’s keen instinct for sentimental
+technicalities.”
+
+“It would have made a horrid play, though, if it had gone on,” shuddered
+Elizabeth.
+
+“That may be, but, carried out realistically, it would have done away
+with a raft of bad actors,” said Cleopatra.  “I’m half sorry it didn’t go
+on, and I’m sure it wouldn’t have been any worse than compelling Brutus
+to fall on his sword until he resembles a chicken liver _en brochette_,
+as is done in that Julius Cæsar play.”
+
+“Well, I’m very glad I did it,” snapped Portia.
+
+“I should think you would be,” said Cleopatra.  “If you hadn’t done it,
+you’d never have been known.  What was that?”
+
+The boat had given a slight lurch.
+
+“Didn’t you hear a shuffling noise up on deck, Portia?” asked the
+Egyptian Queen.
+
+“I thought I did, and it seemed as if the vessel had moved a bit,”
+returned Portia, nervously; for, like most women in an advanced state of
+development, she had become a martyr to her nerves.
+
+“It was merely the wash from one of Charon’s new ferry-boats, I fancy,”
+said Elizabeth, calmly.  “It’s disgusting, the way that old fellow allows
+these modern innovations to be brought in here!  As if the old
+paddle-boats he used to carry shades in weren’t good enough for the
+immigrants of this age!  Really this Styx River is losing a great deal of
+its charm.  Sir Walter and I were upset, while out rowing one day last
+summer, by the waves kicked up by one of Charon’s excursion steamers
+going up the river with a party of picnickers from the city—the Greater
+Gehenna Chowder Club, I believe it was—on board of her.  One might just
+as well live in the midst of the turmoil of a great city as try to get
+uninterrupted quiet here in the suburbs in these days.  Charon isn’t
+content to get rich slowly; he must make money by the barrelful, if he
+has to sacrifice all the comfort of everybody living on this river.
+Anybody’d think he was an American, the way he goes on; and everybody
+else here is the same way.  The Erebeans are getting to be a race of
+shopkeepers.”
+
+“I think myself,” sighed Cleopatra, “that Hades is being spoiled by the
+introduction of American ideas—it is getting by far too democratic for my
+tastes; and if it isn’t stopped, it’s my belief that the best people will
+stop coming here.  Take Madame Récamier’s salon as it is now and compare
+it with what it used to be!  In the early days, after her arrival here,
+everybody went because it was the swell thing, and you’d be sure of
+meeting the intellectually elect.  On the one hand you’d find Sophocles;
+on the other, Cicero; across the room would be Horace chatting gayly with
+some such person as myself.  Great warriors, from Alexander to Bonaparte,
+were there, and glad of the opportunity to be there, too; statesmen like
+Macchiavelli; artists like Cellini or Tintoretto.  You couldn’t move
+without stepping on the toes of genius.  But now all is different.  The
+money-getting instinct has been aroused within them all, with the result
+that when I invited Mozart to meet a few friends at dinner at my place
+last autumn, he sent me a card stating his terms for dinners.  Let me
+see, I think I have it with me; I’ve kept it by me for fear of losing it,
+it is such a complete revelation of the actual condition of affairs in
+this locality.  Ah! this is it,” she added, taking a small bit of
+pasteboard from her card-case.  “Read that.”
+
+The card was passed about, and all the ladies were much astonished—and
+naturally so, for it ran this wise:
+
+                             NOTICE TO HOSTESSES.
+
+    Owing to the very great, constantly growing, and at times vexatious
+    demands upon his time socially,
+
+                         HERR WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART
+
+    takes this method of announcing to his friends that on and after
+    January 1, 1897, his terms for functions will be as follows:
+
+                                                                 Marks
+Dinners with conversation on the Theory of Music                   500
+Dinners with conversation on the Theory of Music,                  750
+illustrated
+Dinners without any conversation                                   300
+Receptions, public, with music                                    1000
+   ,,    ,,   private,    ,,    ,,,                                750
+Encores (single)                                                   100
+Three encores for                                                  150
+Autographs                                                          10
+
+    Positively no Invitations for Five-o’Clock Teas or Morning Musicales
+    considered.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+“Well, I declare!” tittered Elizabeth, as she read.  “Isn’t that
+extraordinary?  He’s got the three-name craze, too!”
+
+“It’s perfectly ridiculous,” said Cleopatra.  “But it’s fairer than
+Artemus Ward’s plan.  Mozart gives notice of his intentions to charge
+you; but with Ward it’s different.  He comes, and afterwards sends a bill
+for his fun.  Why, only last week I got a ‘quarterly statement’ from him
+showing a charge against me of thirty-eight dollars for humorous remarks
+made to my guests at a little chafing-dish party I gave in honor of
+Balzac, and, worst of all, he had marked it ‘Please remit.’  Even Antony,
+when he wrote a sonnet to my eyebrow, wouldn’t let me have it until he
+had heard whether or not Boswell wanted it for publication in the
+_Gossip_.  With Rubens giving chalk-talks for pay, Phidias doing
+‘Five-minute Masterpieces in Putty’ for suburban lyceums, and all the
+illustrious in other lines turning their genius to account through the
+entertainment bureaus, it’s impossible to have a salon now.”
+
+“You are indeed right,” said Madame Récamier, sadly.  “Those were palmy
+days when genius was satisfied with chicken salad and lemonade.  I shall
+never forget those nights when the wit and wisdom of all time
+were—ah—were on tap at my house, if I may so speak, at a cost to me of
+lights and supper.  Now the only people who will come for nothing are
+those we used to think of paying to stay away.  Boswell is always ready,
+but you can’t run a salon on Boswell.”
+
+“Well,” said Portia, “I sincerely hope that you won’t give up the
+functions altogether, because I have always found them most delightful.
+It is still possible to have lights and supper.”
+
+“I have a plan for next winter,” said Madame Récamier, “but I suppose I
+shall be accused of going into the commercial side of it if I adopt it.
+The plan is, briefly, to incorporate my salon.  That’s an idea worthy of
+an American, I admit; but if I don’t do it I’ll have to give it up
+entirely, which, as you intimate, would be too bad.  An incorporated
+salon, however, would be a grand thing, if only because it would
+perpetuate the salon.  ‘The _Récamier_ Salon (Limited)’ would be a most
+excellent title, and, suitably capitalized would enable us to pay our
+lions sufficiently.  Private enterprise is powerless under modern
+conditions.  It’s as much as I can afford to pay for a dinner, without
+running up an expensive account for guests; and unless we get up a
+salon-trust, as it were, the whole affair must go to the wall.”
+
+“How would you make it pay?” asked Portia.  “I can’t see where your
+dividends would come from.”
+
+“That is simple enough,” said Madame Récamier.  “We could put up a large
+reception-hall with a portion of our capital, and advertise a series of
+nights—say one a week throughout the season.  These would be Warriors’
+Night, Story-tellers’ Night, Poets’ Night, Chafing-dish Night under the
+charge of Brillat-Savarin, and so on.  It would be understood that on
+these particular evenings the most interesting people in certain lines
+would be present, and would mix with outsiders, who should be admitted
+only on payment of a certain sum of money.  The commonplace inhabitants
+of this country could thus meet the truly great; and if I know them well,
+as I think I do, they’ll pay readily for the privilege.  The obscure love
+to rub up against the famous here as well as they do on earth.”
+
+                  [Picture: Madame Récamier has a plan]
+
+“You’d run a sort of Social Zoo?” suggested Elizabeth.
+
+“Precisely; and provide entertainment for private residences too.  An
+advertisement in Boswell’s paper, which everybody buys—”
+
+“And which nobody reads,” said Portia.
+
+“They read the advertisements,” retorted Madame Récamier.  “As I was
+saying, an advertisement could be placed in Boswell’s paper as follows:
+‘Are you giving a Function?  Do you want Talent?  Get your Genius at the
+Récamier Salon (Limited).’  It would be simply magnificent as a business
+enterprise.  The common herd would be tickled to death if they could get
+great people at their homes, even if they had to pay roundly for them.”
+
+“It would look well in the society notes, wouldn’t it, if Mr. John Boggs
+gave a reception, and at the close of the account it said, ‘The supper
+was furnished by Calizetti, and the genius by the Récamier Salon
+(Limited)’?” suggested Elizabeth, scornfully.
+
+“I must admit,” replied the French lady, “that you call up an unpleasant
+possibility, but I don’t really see what else we can do if we want to
+preserve the salon idea.  Somebody has told these talented people that
+they have a commercial value, and they are availing themselves of the
+demand.”
+
+“It is a sad age!” sighed Elizabeth.
+
+“Well, all I’ve got to say is just this,” put in Xanthippe: “You people
+who get up functions have brought this condition of affairs on
+yourselves.  You were not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your passion
+for lions in a moderate fashion.  Take the case of Demosthenes last
+winter, for instance.  His wife told me that he dined at home three times
+during the winter.  The rest of the time he was out, here, there, and
+everywhere, making after-dinner speeches.  The saving on his dinner bills
+didn’t pay his pebble account, much less remunerate him for his time, and
+the fearful expense of nervous energy to which he was subjected.  It was
+as much as she could do, she said, to keep him from shaving one side of
+his head, so that he couldn’t go out, the way he used to do in Athens
+when he was afraid he would be invited out and couldn’t scare up a decent
+excuse for refusing.”
+
+“Did he do that?” cried Elizabeth, with a roar of laughter.
+
+“So the cyclopædias say.  It’s a good plan, too,” said Xanthippe.
+“Though Socrates never had to do it.  When I got the notion Socrates was
+going out too much, I used to hide his dress clothes.  Then there was the
+case of Rubens.  He gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza’s Thursday Night
+Club, merely to oblige Madame Sforza, and three weeks later discovered
+that she had sold his pictures to pay for her gown!  You people simply
+run it into the ground.  You kill the goose that when taken at the flood
+leads on to fortune.  It advertises you, does the lion no good, and he is
+expected to be satisfied with confectionery, material and theoretical.
+If they are getting tired of candy and compliments, it’s because you have
+forced too much of it upon them.”
+
+“They like it, just the same,” retorted Récamier.  “A genius likes
+nothing better than the sound of his own voice, when he feels that it is
+falling on aristocratic ears.  The social laurel rests pleasantly on many
+a noble brow.”
+
+“True,” said Xanthippe.  “But when a man gets a pile of Christmas wreaths
+a mile high on his head, he begins to wonder what they will bring on the
+market.  An occasional wreath is very nice, but by the ton they are apt
+to weigh on his mind.  Up to a certain point notoriety is like a woman,
+and a man is apt to love it; but when it becomes exacting, demanding
+instead of permitting itself to be courted, it loses its charm.”
+
+“That is Socratic in its wisdom,” smiled Portia.
+
+“But Xanthippic in its origin,” returned Xanthippe.  “No man ever gave me
+my ideas.”
+
+As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia burst into the room.
+
+“Hurry and save yourselves!” she cried.  “The boat has broken loose from
+her moorings, and is floating down the stream.  If we don’t hurry up and
+do something, we’ll drift out to sea!”
+
+“What!” cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in terror, and rushing for the
+stairs.  “I was certain I felt a slight motion.  You said it was the wash
+from one of Charon’s barges, Elizabeth.”
+
+“I thought it was,” said Elizabeth, following closely after.
+
+“Well, it wasn’t,” moaned Lucretia Borgia.  “Calpurnia just looked out of
+the window and discovered that we were in mid-stream.”
+
+The ladies crowded anxiously about the stair and attempted to ascend,
+Cleopatra in the van; but as the Egyptian Queen reached the doorway to
+the upper deck, the door opened, and the hard features of Captain Kidd
+were thrust roughly through, and his strident voice rang out through the
+gathering gloom.  “Pipe my eye for a sardine if we haven’t captured a
+female seminary!” he cried.
+
+     [Picture: The hard features of Captain Kidd were thrust through]
+
+And one by one the ladies, in terror, shrank back into the billiard-room,
+while Kidd, overcome by surprise, slammed the door to, and retreated into
+the darkness of the forward deck to consult with his followers as to
+“what next.”
+
+
+
+
+V
+A CONFERENCE ON DECK
+
+
+“HERE’S a kettle of fish!” said Kidd, pulling his chin whisker in
+perplexity as he and his fellow-pirates gathered about the captain to
+discuss the situation.  “I’m blessed if in all my experience I ever
+sailed athwart anything like it afore!  Pirating with a lot of low-down
+ruffians like you gentlemen is bad enough, but on a craft loaded to the
+water’s edge with advanced women—I’ve half a mind to turn back.”
+
+             [Picture: “Here’s a kettle of fish!” said Kidd]
+
+“If you do, you swim—we’ll not turn back with you,” retorted Abeuchapeta,
+whom, in honor of his prowess, Kidd had appointed executive officer of
+the House-boat.  “I have no desire to be mutinous, Captain Kidd, but I
+have not embarked upon this enterprise for a pleasure sail down the Styx.
+I am out for business.  If you had thirty thousand women on board, still
+should I not turn back.”
+
+“But what shall we do with ’em?” pleaded Kidd.  “Where can we go without
+attracting attention?  Who’s going to feed ’em?  Who’s going to dress
+’em?  Who’s going to keep ’em in bonnets?  You don’t know anything about
+these creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta; and, by-the-way, can’t we arbitrate
+that name of yours?  It would be fearful to remember in the excitement of
+a fight.”
+
+“Call him Ab,” suggested Sir Henry Morgan, with an ill-concealed sneer,
+for he was deeply jealous of Abeuchapeta’s preferral.
+
+“If you do I’ll call you Morgue, and change your appearance to fit,”
+retorted Abeuchapeta, angrily.
+
+“By the beards of all my sainted Buccaneers,” began Morgan, springing
+angrily to his feet, “I’ll have your life!”
+
+“Gentlemen!  Gentlemen—my noble ruffians!” expostulated Kidd.  “Come,
+come; this will never do!  I must have no quarrelling among my aides.
+This is no time for divisions in our councils.  An entirely unexpected
+element has entered into our affairs, and it behooveth us to act in
+concert.  It is no light matter—”
+
+“Excuse me, captain,” said Abeuchapeta, “but that is where you and I do
+not agree.  We’ve got our ship and we’ve got our crew, and in addition we
+find that the Fates have thrown in a hundred or more women to act as
+ballast.  Now I, for one, do not fear a woman.  We can set them to work.
+There is plenty for them to do keeping things tidy; and if we get into a
+very hard fight, and come out of the mêlée somewhat the worse for wear,
+it will be a blessing to have ’em along to mend our togas, sew buttons on
+our uniforms, and darn our hosiery.”
+
+Morgan laughed sarcastically.  “When did you flourish, if ever, colonel?”
+he asked.
+
+“Do you refer to me?” queried Abeuchapeta, with a frown.
+
+“You have guessed correctly,” replied Morgan, icily.  “I have quite
+forgotten your date; were you a success in the year one, or when?”
+
+“Admiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry,” interposed Kidd, fearing a further
+outbreak of hostilities—“Admiral Abeuchapeta was the terror of the seas
+in the seventh century, and what he undertook to do he did, and his
+piratical enterprises were carried on on a scale of magnificence which is
+without parallel off the comic-opera stage.  He never went forth without
+at least seventy galleys and a hundred other vessels.”
+
+Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly.  “Six-ninety-eight was my great
+year,” he said.
+
+“That’s what I thought,” said Morgan.  “That is to say, you got your
+ideas of women twelve hundred years ago, and the ladies have changed
+somewhat since that time.  I have great respect for you, sir, as a
+ruffian.  I have no doubt that as a ruffian you are a complete success,
+but when it comes to ‘feminology’ you are sailing in unknown waters.  The
+study of women, my dear Abeuchadnezzar—”
+
+“Peta,” retorted Abeuchapeta, irritably.
+
+“I stand corrected.  The study of women, my dear Peter,” said Morgan,
+with a wink at Conrad, which fortunately the seventh-century pirate did
+not see, else there would have been an open break—“the study of women is
+more difficult than that of astronomy; there may be two stars alike, but
+all women are unique.  Because she was this, that, or the other thing in
+your day does not prove that she is any one of those things in our day—in
+fact, it proves the contrary.  Why, I venture even to say that no
+individual woman is alike.”
+
+“That’s rather a hazy thought,” said Kidd, scratching his head in a
+puzzled sort of way.
+
+“I mean that she’s different from herself at different times,” said
+Morgan.  “What is it the poet called her?—‘an infinite variety show,’ or
+something of that sort; a perpetual vaudeville—a continuous performance,
+as it were, from twelve to twelve.”
+
+“Morgan is right, admiral!” put in Conrad the corsair, acting temporarily
+as bo’sun.  “The times are sadly changed, and woman is no longer what she
+was.  She is hardly what she is, much less what she was.  The Roman
+Gynæceum would be an impossibility to-day.  You might as well expect
+Delilah to open a barber-shop on board this boat as ask any of these
+advanced females below-stairs to sew buttons on a pirate’s uniform after
+a fray, or to keep the fringe on his epaulets curled.  They’re no longer
+sewing-machines—they are Keeley motors for mystery and perpetual motion.
+Women have views now they are no longer content to be looked at merely;
+they must see for themselves; and the more they see, the more they wish
+to domesticate man and emancipate woman.  It’s my private opinion that if
+we are to get along with them at all the best thing to do is to let ’em
+alone.  I have always found I was better off in the abstract, and if this
+question is going to be settled in a purely democratic fashion by
+submitting it to a vote, I’ll vote for any measure which involves leaving
+them strictly to themselves.  They’re nothing but a lot of ghosts anyhow,
+like ourselves, and we can pretend we don’t see them.”
+
+“If that could be, it would be excellent,” said Morgan; “but it is
+impossible.  For a pirate of the Byronic order, my dear Conrad, you are
+strangely unversed in the ways of the sex which cheers but not
+inebriates.  We can no more ignore their presence upon this boat than we
+can expect whales to spout kerosene.  In the first place, it would be
+excessively impolite of us to cut them—to decline to speak to them if
+they should address us.  We may be pirates, ruffians, cutthroats, but I
+hope we shall never forget that we are gentlemen.”
+
+“The whole situation is rather contrary to etiquette, don’t you think?”
+suggested Conrad.  “There’s nobody to introduce us, and I can’t really
+see how we can do otherwise than ignore them.  I certainly am not going
+to stand on deck and make eyes at them, to try and pick up an
+acquaintance with them, even if I am of a Byronic strain.”
+
+“You forget,” said Kidd, “two essential features of the situation.  These
+women are at present—or shortly will be, when they realize their
+situation—in distress, and a true gentleman may always fly to the rescue
+of a distressed female; and, the second point, we shall soon be on the
+seas, and I understand that on the fashionable transatlantic lines it is
+now considered _de rigueur_ to speak to anybody you choose to.  The
+introduction business isn’t going to stand in my way.”
+
+“Well, may I ask,” put in Abeuchapeta, “just what it is that is worrying
+you?  You said something about feeding them, and dressing them, and
+keeping them in bonnets.  I fancy there’s fish enough in the sea to feed
+’em; and as for their gowns and hats, they can make ’em themselves.
+Every woman is a milliner at heart.”
+
+“Exactly, and we’ll have to pay the milliners.  That is what bothers me.
+I was going to lead this expedition to London, Paris, and New York,
+admiral.  That is where the money is, and to get it you’ve got to go
+ashore, to headquarters.  You cannot nowadays find it on the high seas.
+Modern civilization,” said Kidd, “has ruined the pirate’s business.  The
+latest news from the other world has really opened my eyes to certain
+facts that I never dreamed of.  The conditions of the day of which I
+speak are interestingly shown in the experience of our friend Hawkins
+here.  Captain Hawkins, would you have any objection to stating to these
+gentlemen the condition of affairs which led you to give up piracy on the
+high seas?”
+
+“Not the slightest, Captain Kidd,” returned Captain Hawkins, who was a
+recent arrival in Hades.  “It is a sad little story, and it gives me a
+pain for to think on it, but none the less I’ll tell it, since you ask
+me.  When I were a mere boy, fellow-pirates, I had but one ambition, due
+to my readin’, which was confined to stories of a Sunday-school nater—to
+become somethin’ different from the little Willies an’ the clever Tommies
+what I read about therein.  They was all good, an’ they went to their
+reward too soon in life for me, who even in them days regarded death as a
+stuffy an’ unpleasant diversion.  Learnin’ at an early period that virtue
+was its only reward, an’ a-wish-in’ others, I says to myself: ‘Jim,’ says
+I, ‘if you wishes to become a magnet in this village, be sinful.  If so
+be as you are a good boy, an’ kind to your sister an’ all other animals,
+you’ll end up as a prosperous father with fifteen hundred a year sure,
+with never no hope for no public preferment beyond bein’ made the
+super-intendent of the Sunday-school; but if so be as how you’re bad, you
+may become famous, an’ go to Congress, an’ have your picture in the
+Sunday noospapers.’  So I looks around for books tellin’ how to get
+‘Famous in Fifty Ways,’ an’ after due reflection I settles in my mind
+that to be a pirate’s just the thing for me, seein’ as how it’s both
+profitable an’ healthy.  Pass-in’ over details, let me tell you that I
+became a pirate.  I ran away to sea, an’ by dint of perseverance, as the
+Sunday-school book useter say, in my badness I soon became the centre of
+a evil lot; an’ when I says to ’em, ‘Boys, I wants to be a pirate chief,’
+they hollers back, loud like, ‘Jim, we’re with you,’ an’ they was.  For
+years I was the terror of the Venezuelan Gulf, the Spanish Main, an’ the
+Pacific seas, but there was precious little money into it.  The best pay
+I got was from a Sunday noospaper which paid me well to sign an article
+on ‘Modern Piracy’ which I didn’t write.  Finally business got so bad the
+crew began to murmur, an’ I was at my wits’ ends to please ’em; when one
+mornin’, havin’ passed a restless night, I picks up a noospaper and sees
+in it that ‘Next Saturday’s steamer is a weritable treasure-ship, takin’
+out twelve million dollars, and the jewels of a certain prima donna
+valued at five hundred thousand.’  ‘Here’s my chance,’ says I, an’ I goes
+to sea and lies in wait for the steamer.  I captures her easy, my crew
+bein’ hungry, an’ fightin according like.  We steals the box a-hold-in’
+the jewels an’ the bag containin’ the millions, hustles back to our own
+ship, an’ makes for our rondyvoo, me with two bullets in my leg, four o’
+my crew killed, and one engin’ of my ship disabled by a shot—but happy.
+Twelve an’ a half millions at one break is enough to make anybody happy.”
+
+“I should say so,” said Abeuchapeta, with an ecstatic shake of his head.
+“I didn’t get that in all my career.”
+
+“Nor I,” sighed Kidd.  “But go on, Hawkins.”
+
+“Well, as I says,” continued Captain Hawkins, “we goes to the rondyvoo to
+look over our booty.  ‘Captain ’Awkins,’ says my valet—for I was a swell
+pirate, gents, an’ never travelled nowhere without a man to keep my
+clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles in my trousers—‘this ’ere twelve
+millions,’ says he, ‘is werry light,’ says he, carryin’ the bag ashore.
+‘I don’t care how light it is, so long as it’s twelve millions,
+Henderson,’ says I; but my heart sinks inside o’ me at his words, an’ the
+minute we lands I sits down to investigate right there on the beach.  I
+opens the bag, an’ it’s the one I was after—but the twelve millions!”
+
+“Weren’t there?” cried Conrad.
+
+“Yes, they was there,” sighed Hawkins, “but every bloomin’ million was
+represented by a certified check, an’ payable in London!”
+
+  [Picture: Every bloomin’ million was represented by a certified check,
+                          an’ payable in London]
+
+“By Jingo!” cried Morgan.  “What fearful luck!  But you had the prima
+donna’s jewels.”
+
+“Yes,” said Hawkins, with a moan.  “But they was like all other prima
+donna’s jewels—for advertisin’ purposes only, an’ made o’ gum-arabic!”
+
+“Horrible!” said Abeuchapeta.  “And the crew, what did they say?”
+
+“They was a crew of a few words,” sighed Hawkins.  “Werry few words, an’
+not a civil word in the lot—mostly adjectives of a profane kind.  When I
+told ’em what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for a-jiltin’ of ’em,
+an’—well, I came here.  I was ’sas’inated that werry night!”
+
+“They killed you?” cried Morgan.
+
+“A dozen times,” nodded Hawkins.  “They always was a lavish lot.  I met
+death in all its most horrid forms.  First they stabbed me, then they
+shot me, then they clubbed me, and so on, endin’ up with a lynchin’—but I
+didn’t mind much after the first, which hurt a bit.  But now that I’m
+here I’m glad it happened.  This life is sort of less responsible than
+that other.  You can’t hurt a ghost by shooting him, because there ain’t
+nothing to hurt, an’ I must say I like bein’ a mere vision what everybody
+can see through.”
+
+“All of which interesting tale proves what?” queried Abeuchapeta.
+
+“That piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days of the check
+banking system,” said Kidd.  “If you can get a chance at real gold it’s
+all right, but it’s of no earthly use to steal checks that people can
+stop payment on.  Therefore it was my plan to visit the cities and do a
+little freebooting there, where solid material wealth is to be found.”
+
+“Well?  Can’t we do it now?” asked Abeuchapeta.
+
+“Not with these women tagging after us,” returned Kidd.  “If we went to
+London and lifted the whole Bank of England, these women would have it
+spent on Regent Street inside of twenty-four hours.”
+
+“Then leave them on board,” said Abeuchapeta.
+
+“And have them steal the ship!” retorted Kidd.  “No.  There are but two
+things to do.  Take ’em back, or land them in Paris.  Tell them to spend
+a week on shore while we are provisioning.  Tell ’em to shop to their
+hearts’ content, and while they are doing it we can sneak off and leave
+them stranded.”
+
+“Splendid!” cried Morgan.
+
+“But will they consent?” asked Abeuchapeta.
+
+“Consent!  To shop?  In Paris?  For a week?” cried Morgan.
+
+“Ha, ha!” laughed Hawkins.  “Will they consent!  Will a duck swim?”
+
+And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the career of the
+House-boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock Holmes had failed to count.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS
+
+
+WHEN, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the
+House-boat was shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra by the
+unmannerly Kidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who thronged the
+stairs behind them in blank amazement, and the heart of Xanthippe, had
+one chosen to gaze through that diaphanous person’s ribs, could have been
+seen to beat angrily.
+
+Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude towards her
+regal self that, having turned, she sat down plump upon the floor in the
+most unroyal fashion.
+
+“Well!” she ejaculated.  “If this does not surpass everything!  The idea
+of it!  Oh for one hour of my olden power, one hour of the axe, one hour
+of the block!”
+
+[Picture: Queen Elizabeth desires an axe and one hour of her olden power]
+
+“Get up,” retorted Cleopatra, “and let us all return to the billiard-room
+and discuss this matter calmly.  It is quite evident that something has
+happened of which we wotted little when we came aboard this craft.”
+
+“That is a good idea,” said Calpurnia, retreating below.  “I can see
+through the window that we are in motion.  The vessel has left her
+moorings, and is making considerable headway down the stream, and the
+distinctly masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind that
+the ship is manned, and that this is the result of design rather than of
+accident.  Let us below.”
+
+Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the excitement of the
+moment had been forced to assume a position about her forehead which gave
+one the impression that its royal wearer had suddenly donned a sombrero.
+
+“Very well,” she said.  “Let us below; but oh, for the axe!”
+
+“Bring the lady an axe,” cried Xanthippe, sarcastically.  “She wants to
+cut somebody.”
+
+The sally was not greeted with applause.  The situation was regarded as
+being too serious to admit of humor, and in silence they filed back into
+the billiard-room, and, arranging themselves in groups, stood about
+anxiously discussing the situation.
+
+“It’s getting rougher every minute,” sobbed Ophelia.  “Look at those
+pool-balls!”  These were in very truth chasing each other about the table
+in an extraordinary fashion.  “And I wish I’d never followed you horrid
+new creatures on board!” the poor girl added, in an agony of despair.
+
+“I believe we’ve crossed the bar already!” said Cleopatra, gazing out of
+the window at a nasty choppy sea that was adding somewhat to the
+disquietude of the fair gathering.  “If this is merely a joke on the part
+of the Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is time
+it should cease.”
+
+“Oh, for an axe!” moaned Elizabeth, again.
+
+“Excuse me, your Majesty,” put in Xanthippe.  “You said that before, and
+I must say it is getting tiresome.  You couldn’t do anything with an axe.
+Suppose you had one.  What earthly good would it do you, who were
+accustomed to doing all your killing by proxy?  I don’t believe, if you
+had the unmannerly person who slammed the door in your face lying
+prostrate upon the billiard-table here, you could hit him a square blow
+in the neck if you had a hundred axes.  Delilah might as well cry for her
+scissors, for all the good it would do us in our predicament.  If
+Cleopatra had her asp with her it might be more to the purpose.  One
+deadly little snake like that let loose on the upper deck would doubtless
+drive these boors into the sea, and even then our condition would not be
+bettered, for there isn’t any of us that can sail a boat.  There isn’t an
+old salt among us.”
+
+“Too bad Mrs. Lot isn’t along,” giggled Marguerite de Valois, whose
+Gallic spirits were by no means overshadowed by the unhappy predicament
+in which she found herself.
+
+“I’m here,” piped up Mrs. Lot.  “But I’m not that kind of a salt.”
+
+“I am present,” said Mrs. Noah.  “Though why I ever came I don’t know,
+for I vowed the minute I set my foot on Ararat that dry land was good
+enough for me, and that I’d never step aboard another boat as long as I
+lived.  If, however, now that I am here, I can give you the benefit of my
+nautical experience, you are all perfectly welcome to it.”
+
+“I’m sure we’re very much obliged for the offer,” said Portia, “but in
+the emergency which has arisen we cannot say how much obliged we are
+until we know what your experience amounted to.  Before relying upon you
+we ought to know how far that reliance can go—not that I lack confidence
+in you, my dear madam, but that in an hour of peril one must take care,
+to rely upon the oak, not upon the reed.”
+
+“The point is properly taken,” said Elizabeth, “and I wish to say here
+that I am easier in my mind when I realize that we have with us so
+level-headed a person as the lady who has just spoken.  She has spoken
+truly and to the point.  If I were to become queen again, I should make
+her my attorney-general.  We must not go ahead impulsively, but look at
+all things in a calm, judicial manner.”
+
+“Which is pretty hard work with a sea like this on,” remarked Ophelia,
+faintly, for she was getting a trifle sallow, as indeed she might, for
+the House-boat was beginning to roll tremendously with no alleviation
+save an occasional pitch, which was an alleviation only in the sense that
+it gave variety to their discomfort.  “I don’t believe a chief-justice
+could look at things calmly and in a judicial manner if he felt as I do.”
+
+“Poor dear!” said the matronly Mrs. Noah, sympathetically.  “I know
+exactly how you feel.  I have been there myself.  The fourth day out I
+and my whole family were in the same condition, except that Noah, my
+husband, was so very far gone that I could not afford to yield.  I nursed
+him for six days before he got his sea-legs on, and then succumbed
+myself.”
+
+“But,” gasped Ophelia, “that doesn’t help me—
+
+“It did my husband,” said Mrs. Noah.
+
+“When he heard that the boys were seasick too, he actually laughed and
+began to get better right away.  There is really only one cure for the
+_mal de mer_, and that is the fun of knowing that somebody else is
+suffering too.  If some of you ladies would kindly yield to the
+seductions of the sea, I think we could get this poor girl on her feet in
+an instant.”
+
+Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there was no immediate response to this
+appeal, and the unhappy young woman was forced to suffer in solitude.
+
+“We have no time for untimely diversions of this sort,” snapped
+Xanthippe, with a scornful glance at the suffering Ophelia, who, having
+retired to a comfortable lounge at an end of the room, was evidently
+improving.  “I have no sympathy with this habit some of my sex seem to
+have acquired of succumbing to an immediate sensation of this nature.”
+
+“I hope to be pardoned for interrupting,” said Mrs. Noah, with a great
+deal of firmness, “but I wish Mrs. Socrates to understand that it is
+rather early in the voyage for her to lay down any such broad principle
+as that, and for her own sake to-morrow, I think it would be well if she
+withdrew the sentiment.  There are certain things about a sea-voyage that
+are more or less beyond the control of man or woman, and any one who
+chides that poor suffering child on yonder sofa ought to be more
+confident than Mrs. Socrates can possibly be that within an hour she will
+not be as badly off.  People who live in glass houses should not throw
+dice.”
+
+“I shall never yield to anything so undignified as seasickness, let me
+tell you that,” retorted Xanthippe.  “Furthermore, the proverb is not as
+the lady has quoted it.  ‘People who live in glass houses should not
+throw stones’ is the proper version.”
+
+“I was not quoting,” returned Mrs. Noah, calmly.  “When I said that
+people who live in glass houses should not throw dice, I meant precisely
+what I said.  People who live in glass houses should not take chances.
+In assuming with such vainglorious positiveness that she will not be
+seasick, the lady who has just spoken is giving tremendous odds, as the
+boys used to say on the Ark when we gathered about the table at night and
+began to make small wagers on the day’s run.”
+
+“I think we had better suspend this discussion,” suggested Cleopatra.
+“It is of no immediate interest to any one but Ophelia, and I fancy she
+does not care to dwell upon it at any great length.  It is more important
+that we should decide upon our future course of action.  In the first
+place, the question is who these people up on deck are.  If they are the
+members of the club, we are all right.  They will give us our scare, and
+land us safely again at the pier.  In that event it is our womanly duty
+to manifest no concern, and to seem to be aware of nothing unusual in the
+proceeding.  It would never do to let them think that their joke has been
+a good one.  If, on the other hand, as I fear, we are the victims of some
+horde of ruffians, who have pounced upon us unawares, and are going into
+the business of abduction on a wholesale basis, we must meet treachery
+with treachery, strategy with strategy.  I, for one, am perfectly willing
+to make every man on board walk the plank; having confidence in the
+seawomanship of Mrs. Noah and her ability to steer us into port.”
+
+“I am quite in accord with these views,” put in Madame Récamier, “and I
+move you, Mrs. President, that we organize a series of sub-committees—one
+on treachery, with Lucretia Borgia and Delilah as members; one on
+strategy, consisting of Portia and Queen Elizabeth; one on navigation,
+headed by Mrs. Noah; with a final sub-committee on reconnoitre, with
+Cassandra to look forward, and Mrs. Lot to look aft—all of these
+subordinated to a central committee of safety headed by Cleopatra and
+Calpurnia.  The rest of us can then commit ourselves and our interests
+unreservedly to these ladies, and proceed to enjoy ourselves without
+thought of the morrow.”
+
+“I second the motion,” said Ophelia, “with the amendment that Madame
+Récamier be appointed chair-lady of another sub-committee, on
+entertainment.”
+
+The amendment was accepted, and the motion put.  It was carried with an
+enthusiastic aye, and the organization was complete.
+
+The various committees retired to the several corners of the room to
+discuss their individual lines of action, when a shadow was observed to
+obscure the moonlight which had been streaming in through the window.
+The faces of Calpurnia and Cleopatra blanched for an instant, as,
+immediately following upon this apparition, a large bundle was hurled
+through the open port into the middle of the room, and the shadow
+vanished.
+
+“Is it a bomb?” cried several of the ladies at once.
+
+“Nonsense!” said Madame Récamier, jumping lightly forward.  “A man
+doesn’t mind blowing a woman up, but he’ll never blow himself up.  We’re
+safe enough in that respect.  The thing looks to me like a bundle of
+illustrated papers.”
+
+“That’s what it is,” said Cleopatra who had been investigating.  “It’s
+rather a discourteous bit of courtesy, tossing them in through the window
+that way, I think, but I presume they mean well.  Dear me,” she added,
+as, having untied the bundle, she held one of the open papers up before
+her, “how interesting!  All the latest Paris fashions.  Humph!  Look at
+those sleeves, Elizabeth.  What an impregnable fortress you would have
+been with those sleeves added to your ruffs!”
+
+“I should think they’d be very becoming,” put in Cassandra, standing on
+her tip-toes and looking over Cleopatra’s shoulder.  “That Watteau isn’t
+bad, either, is it, now?”
+
+“No,” remarked Calpurnia.  “I wonder how a Watteau back like that would
+go on my blue alpaca?”
+
+“Very nicely,” said Elizabeth.  “How many gores has it?”
+
+“Five,” observed Calpurnia.  “One more than Cæsar’s toga.  We had to have
+our costumes distinct in some way.”
+
+“A remarkable hat, that,” nodded Mrs. Lot, her eye catching sight of a
+Virot creation at the top of the page.
+
+“Reminds me of Eve’s description of an autumn scene in the garden,”
+smiled Mrs. Noah.  “Gorgeous in its foliage, beautiful thing; though I
+shouldn’t have dared wear one in the Ark, with all those hungry animals
+browsing about the upper and lower decks.”
+
+“I wonder,” remarked Cleopatra, as she cocked her head to one side to
+take in the full effect of an attractive summer gown—“I wonder how that
+waist would make up in blue crépon, with a yoke of lace and a stylishly
+contrasting stock of satin ribbon?”
+
+“It would depend upon how you finished the sleeves,” remarked Madame
+Récamier.  “If you had a few puffs of rich brocaded satin set in with
+deeply folded pleats it wouldn’t be bad.”
+
+“I think it would be very effective,” observed Mrs. Noah, “but a trifle
+too light for general wear.  I should want some kind of a wrap with it.”
+
+“It does need that,” assented Elizabeth.  “A wrap made of passementerie
+and jet, with a mousseline de soie ruche about the neck held by a _chou_,
+would make it fascinating.”
+
+“The committee on treachery is ready to report,” said Delilah, rising
+from her corner, where she and Lucretia Borgia had been having so
+animated a discussion that they had failed to observe the others crowding
+about Cleopatra and the papers.
+
+         [Picture: The committee on treachery is ready to report]
+
+“A little sombre,” said Cleopatra.  “The corsage is effective, but I
+don’t like those basque terminations.  I’ve never approved of those full
+godets—”
+
+“The committee on treachery,” remarked Delilah again, raising her voice,
+“has a suggestion to make.”
+
+“I can’t get over those sleeves, though,” laughed Helen of Troy.  “What
+is the use of them?”
+
+“They might be used to get Greeks into Troy,” suggested Madame Récamier.
+
+“The committee on treachery,” roared Delilah, thoroughly angered by the
+absorption of the chairman and others, “has a suggestion to make.  This
+is the third and last call.”
+
+“Oh, I beg pardon,” cried Cleopatra, rapping for order.  “I had forgotten
+all about our committees.  Excuse me, Delilah.  I—ah—was absorbed in
+other matters.  Will you kindly lay your pattern—I should say your
+plan—before us?”
+
+“It is briefly this,” said Delilah.  “It has been suggested that we
+invite the crew of this vessel to a chafing-dish party, under the
+supervision of Lucretia Borgia, and that she—”
+
+The balance of the plan was not outlined, for at this point the speaker
+was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door, its instant opening, and
+the appearance in the doorway of that ill-visaged ruffian Captain Kidd.
+
+“Ladies,” he began, “I have come here to explain to you the situation in
+which you find yourselves.  Have I your permission to speak?”
+
+The ladies started back, but the chairman was equal to the occasion.
+
+“Go on,” said Cleopatra, with queenly dignity, turning to the interloper;
+and the pirate proceeded to take the second step in the nefarious plan
+upon which he and his brother ruffians had agreed, of which the tossing
+in through the window of the bundle of fashion papers was the first.
+
+
+
+
+VII
+THE “GEHENNA” IS CHARTERED
+
+
+IT was about twenty-four hours after the events narrated in the preceding
+chapters that Mr. Sherlock Holmes assumed command of the _Gehenna_, which
+was nothing more nor less than the shadow of the ill-starred ocean
+steamship _City of Chicago_, which tried some years ago to reach
+Liverpool by taking the overland route through Ireland, fortunately
+without detriment to her passengers and crew, who had the pleasure of the
+experience of shipwreck without any of the discomforts of drowning.  As
+will be remembered, the obstructionist nature of the Irish soil prevented
+the _City of Chicago_ from proceeding farther inland than was necessary
+to keep her well balanced amidships upon a convenient and not too stony
+bed; and that after a brief sojourn on the rocks she was finally disposed
+of to the Styx Navigation Company, under which title Charon had had
+himself incorporated, is a matter of nautical history.  The change of
+name to the _Gehenna_ was the act of Charon himself, and was prompted, no
+doubt, by a desire to soften the jealous prejudices of the residents of
+the Stygian capital against the flourishing and ever-growing metropolis
+of Illinois.
+
+The Associated Shades had had some trouble in getting this craft.
+Charon, through his constant association with life on both sides of the
+dark river, had gained a knowledge, more or less intimate, of modern
+business methods, and while as janitor of the club he was subject to the
+will of the House-boat Committee, and sympathized deeply with the members
+of the association in their trouble, as president of the Styx Navigation
+Company he was bound up in certain newly attained commercial ideas which
+were embarrassing to those members of the association to whose hands the
+chartering of a vessel had been committed.
+
+“See here, Charon,” Sir Walter Raleigh had said, after Charon had
+expressed himself as deeply sympathetic, but unable to shave the terms
+upon which the vessel could be had, “you are an infernal old hypocrite.
+You go about wringing your hands over our misfortunes until they’ve got
+as dry and flabby as a pair of kid gloves, and yet when we ask you for a
+ship of suitable size and speed to go out after those pirates, you become
+a sort of twin brother to Shylock, without his excuse.  His instincts are
+accidents of birth.  Yours are cultivated, and you know it.”
+
+“You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter,” Charon had answered to this.
+“You don’t understand my position.  It is a very hard one.  As janitor of
+your club I am really prostrated over the events of the past twenty-four
+hours.  My occupation is gone, and my despair over your loss is
+correspondingly greater, for I have time on my hands to brood over it.  I
+was hysterical as a woman yesterday afternoon—so hysterical that I came
+near upsetting one of the Furies who engaged me to row her down to Madame
+Medusa’s villa last evening; and right at the sluice of the vitriol
+reservoir at that.”
+
+            [Picture: You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter]
+
+“Then why the deuce don’t you do something to help us?” pleaded Hamlet.
+
+“How can I do any more than I have done?  I’ve offered you the
+_Gehenna_,” retorted Charon.
+
+“But on what terms?” expostulated Raleigh.  “If we had all the wealth of
+the Indies we’d have difficulty in paying you the sums you demand.”
+
+“But I am only president of the company,” explained Charon.  “I’d like,
+as president, to show you some courtesy, and I’m perfectly willing to do
+so; but when it comes down to giving you a vessel like that, I’m bound by
+my official oath to consider the interest of the stockholders.  It isn’t
+as it used to be when I had boats to hire in my own behalf alone.  In
+those days I had nobody’s interest but my own to look after.  Now the
+ships all belong to the Styx Navigation Company.  Can’t you see the
+difference?”
+
+“You own all the stock, don’t you?” insisted Raleigh.
+
+“I don’t know,” Charon answered, blandly.  “I haven’t seen the
+transfer-books lately.”
+
+“But you know that you did own every share of it, and that you haven’t
+sold any, don’t you?” put in Hamlet.
+
+Charon was puzzled for a moment, but shortly his face cleared, and Sir
+Walter’s heart sank, for it was evident that the old fellow could not be
+cornered.
+
+“Well, it’s this way, Sir Walter, and your Highness,” he said, “I—I can’t
+say whether any of that stock has been transferred or not.  The fact is,
+I’ve been speculating a little on margin, and I’ve put up that stock as
+security, and, for all I know, I may have been sold out by my brokers.
+I’ve been so upset by this unfortunate occurrence that I haven’t seen the
+market reports for two days.  Really you’ll have to be content with my
+offer or go without the _Gehenna_.  There’s too much suspicion attached
+to high corporate officials lately for me to yield a jot in the position
+I have taken.  It would never do to get you all ready to start, and then
+have an injunction clapped on you by some unforeseen stockholder who was
+not satisfied with the terms offered you; nor can I ever let it be said
+of me that to retain my position as janitor of your organization I
+sacrificed a trust committed to my charge.  I’ll gladly lend you my
+private launch, though I don’t think it will aid you much, because the
+naphtha-tank has exploded, and the screw slipped off and went to the
+bottom two weeks ago.  Still, it is at your service, and I’ve no doubt
+that either Phidias or Benvenuto Cellini will carve out a paddle for you
+if you ask him to.”
+
+“Bah!” retorted Raleigh.  “You might as well offer us a pair of skates.”
+
+“I would, if I thought the river’d freeze,” retorted Charon, blandly.
+
+Raleigh and Hamlet turned away impatiently and left Charon to his own
+devices, which for the time being consisted largely of winking his other
+eye quietly and outwardly making a great show of grief.
+
+“He’s too canny for us, I am afraid,” said Sir Walter.  “We’ll have to
+pay him his money.”
+
+“Let us first consult Sherlock Holmes,” suggested Hamlet, and this they
+proceeded at once to do.
+
+“There is but one thing to be done,” observed the astute detective after
+he had heard Sir Walter’s statement of the case.  “It is an old saying
+that one should fight fire with fire.  We must meet modern business
+methods with modern commercial ideas.  Charter his vessel at his own
+price.”
+
+“But we’d never be able to pay,” said Hamlet.
+
+“Ha-ha!” laughed Holmes.  “It is evident that you know nothing of the
+laws of trade nowadays.  Don’t pay!”
+
+“But how can we?” asked Raleigh.
+
+“The method is simple.  You haven’t anything to pay with,” returned
+Holmes.  “Let him sue.  Suppose he gets a verdict.  You haven’t anything
+he can attach—if you have, make it over to your wives or your fiancées.”
+
+“Is that honest?” asked Hamlet, shaking his head doubtfully.
+
+“It’s business,” said Holmes.
+
+“But suppose he wants an advance payment?” queried Hamlet.
+
+“Give him a check drawn to his own order.  He’ll have to endorse it when
+he deposits it, and that will make him responsible,” laughed Holmes.
+
+“What a simple thing when you understand it!” commented Raleigh.
+
+“Very,” said Holmes.  “Business is getting by slow degrees to be an exact
+science.  It reminds me of the Brighton mystery, in which I played a
+modest part some ten years ago, when I first took up ferreting as a
+profession.  I was sitting one night in my room at one of the Brighton
+hotels, which shall be nameless.  I never give the name of any of the
+hotels at which I stop, because it might give offence to the proprietors
+of other hotels, with the result that my books would be excluded from
+sale therein.  Suffice it to say that I was spending an early summer
+Sunday at Brighton with my friend Watson.  We had dined well, and were
+enjoying our evening smoke together upon a small balcony overlooking the
+water, when there came a timid knock on the door of my room.
+
+“‘Watson,’ said I, ‘here comes some one for advice.  Do you wish to wager
+a small bottle upon it?’
+
+“‘Yes,’ he answered, with a smile.  ‘I am thirsty and I’d like a small
+bottle; and while I do not expect to win, I’ll take the bet.  I should
+like to know, though, how you know.’
+
+“‘It is quite simple,’ said I.  ‘The timidity of the knock shows that my
+visitor is one of two classes of persons—an autograph-hunter or a client,
+one of the two.  You see I give you a chance to win.  It may be an
+autograph-hunter, but I think it is a client.  If it were a creditor, he
+would knock boldly, even ostentatiously; if it were the maid, she would
+not knock at all; if it were the hall-boy, he would not come until I had
+rung five times for him.  None of these things has occurred; the knock is
+the half-hearted knock which betokens either that the person who knocked
+is in trouble, or is uncertain as to his reception.  I am willing,
+however, considering the heat and my desire to quench my thirst, to wager
+that it is a client.’
+
+“‘Done,’ said Watson; and I immediately remarked, ‘Come in.’
+
+“The door opened, and a man of about thirty-five years of age, in a
+bathing-suit, entered the room, and I saw at a glance what had happened.
+
+“‘Your name is Burgess,’ I said.  ‘You came here from London this
+morning, expecting to return to-night.  You brought no luggage with you.
+After luncheon you went bathing.  You had machine No. 35, and when you
+came out of the water you found that No. 35 had disappeared, with your
+clothes and the silver watch your uncle gave you on the day you succeeded
+to his business.’
+
+“Of course, gentlemen,” observed the detective, with a smile at Sir
+Walter and Hamlet—“of course the man fairly gasped, and I continued: ‘You
+have been lying face downward in the sand ever since, waiting for
+nightfall, so that you could come to me for assistance, not considering
+it good form to make an afternoon call upon a stranger at his hotel, clad
+in a bathing-suit.  Am I correct?’
+
+“‘Sir,’ he replied, with a look of wonder, ‘you have narrated my story
+exactly as it happened, and I find I have made no mistake in coming to
+you.  Would you mind telling me what is your course of reasoning?’
+
+“‘It is plain as day,’ said I.  ‘I am the person with the red beard with
+whom you came down third class from London this morning, and you told me
+your name was Burgess and that you were a butcher.  When you looked to
+see the time, I remarked upon the oddness of your watch, which led to
+your telling me that it was the gift of your uncle.’
+
+“‘True,’ said Burgess, ‘but I did not tell you I had no luggage.’
+
+“‘No,’ said I, ‘but that you hadn’t is plain; for if you had brought any
+other clothing besides that you had on with you, you would have put it on
+to come here.  That you have been robbed I deduce also from your
+costume.’
+
+“‘But the number of the machine?’ asked Watson.
+
+“‘Is on the tag on the key hanging about his neck,’ said I.
+
+“‘One more question,’ queried Burgess.  ‘How do you know I have been
+lying face downward on the beach ever since?’
+
+“‘By the sand in your eyebrows,’ I replied; and Watson ordered up the
+small bottle.”
+
+“I fail to see what it was in our conversation, however,” observed
+Hamlet, somewhat impatient over the delay caused by the narration of this
+tale, “that suggested this train of thought to you.”
+
+“The sequel will show,” returned Holmes.
+
+“Oh, Lord!” put in Raleigh.  “Can’t we put off the sequel until a later
+issue?  Remember, Mr. Holmes, that we are constantly losing time.”
+
+“The sequel is brief, and I can narrate it on our way to the office of
+the Navigation Company,” observed the detective.  “When the bottle came I
+invited Mr. Burgess to join us, which he did, and as the hour was late
+when we came to separate, I offered him the use of my parlor overnight.
+This he accepted, and we retired.
+
+“The next morning when I arose to dress, the mystery was cleared.”
+
+“You had dreamed its solution?” asked Raleigh.
+
+“No,” replied Holmes.  “Burgess had disappeared with all my clothing, my
+false-beard, my suit-case, and my watch.  The only thing he had left me
+was the bathing-suit and a few empty small bottles.”
+
+“And why, may I ask,” put in Hamlet, as they drew near to Charon’s
+office—“why does that case remind you of business as it is conducted
+to-day?”
+
+“In this, that it is a good thing to stay out of unless you know it all,”
+explained Holmes.  “I omitted in the case of Burgess to observe one thing
+about him.  Had I observed that his nose was rectilinear, incurved, and
+with a lifted base, and that his auricular temporal angle was between 96
+and 97 degrees, I should have known at once that he was an impostor
+_Vide_ Ottolenghui on ‘Ears and Noses I Have Met,’ pp. 631–640.”
+
+“Do you mean to say that you can tell a criminal by his ears?” demanded
+Hamlet.
+
+“If he has any—yes; but I did not know that at the time of the Brighton
+mystery.  Therefore I should have stayed out of the case.  But here we
+are.  Good-morning, Charon.”
+
+By this time the trio had entered the private office of the president of
+the Styx Navigation Company, and in a few moments the vessel was
+chartered at a fabulous price.
+
+On the return to the wharf, Sir Walter somewhat nervously asked Holmes if
+he thought the plan they had settled upon would work.
+
+“Charon is a very shrewd old fellow,” said he.  “He may outwit us yet.”
+
+“The chances are just two and one-eighth degrees in your favor,” observed
+Holmes, quietly, with a glance at Raleigh’s ears.  “The temporal angle of
+your ears is 93.125 degrees, whereas Charon’s stand out at 91, by my
+otometer.  To that extent your criminal instincts are superior to his.
+If criminology is an exact science, reasoning by your respective ears,
+you ought to beat him out by a perceptible though possibly narrow
+margin.”
+
+With which assurance Raleigh went ahead with his preparations, and within
+twelve hours the _Gehenna_ was under way, carrying a full complement of
+crew and officers, with every state-room on board occupied by some spirit
+of the more illustrious kind.
+
+Even Shylock was on board, though no one knew it, for in the dead of
+night he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank and had hidden himself in
+an empty water-cask in the forecastle.
+
+“’Tisn’t Venice,” he said, as he sat down and breathed heavily through
+the bung of the barrel, “but it’s musty and damp enough, and, considering
+the cost, I can’t complain.  You can’t get something for nothing, even in
+Hades.”
+
+ [Picture: In the dead of night he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank]
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+ON BOARD THE “GEHENNA”
+
+
+WHEN the _Gehenna_ had passed down the Styx and out through the beautiful
+Cimmerian Harbor into the broad waters of the ocean, and everything was
+comparatively safe for a while at least, Sherlock Holmes came down from
+the bridge, where he had taken his place as the commander of the
+expedition at the moment of departure.  His brow was furrowed with
+anxiety, and through his massive forehead his brain could be seen to be
+throbbing violently, and the corrugations of his gray matter were not
+pleasant to witness as he tried vainly to squeeze an idea out of them.
+
+“What is the matter?” asked Demosthenes, anxiously.  “We are not in any
+danger, are we?”
+
+“No,” replied Holmes.  “But I am somewhat puzzled at the bubbles on the
+surface of the ocean, and the ripples which we passed over an hour or two
+ago, barely perceptible through the most powerful microscope, indicate to
+my mind that for some reason at present unknown to me the House-boat has
+changed her course.  Take that bubble floating by.  It is the last
+expiring bit of aerial agitation of the House-boat’s wake.  Observe
+whence it comes.  Not from the Azores quarter, but as if instead of
+steering a straight course thither the House-boat had taken a sharp turn
+to the north-east, and was making for Havre; or, in other words, Paris
+instead of London seems to have become their destination.”
+
+Demosthenes looked at Holmes with blank amazement, and, to keep from
+stammering out the exclamation of wonder that rose to his lips, he opened
+his _bonbonnière_ and swallowed a pebble.
+
+“You don’t happen to have a cocaine tablet in your box, do you?” queried
+Holmes.
+
+“No,” returned the Greek.  “Cocaine makes me flighty and nervous, but
+these pebbles sort of ballast me and hold me down.  How on earth do you
+know that that bubble comes from the wake of the House-boat?”
+
+“By my chemical knowledge, merely,” replied Holmes.  “A merely worldly
+vessel leaves a phosphorescent bubble in its wake.  That one we have just
+discovered is not so, but sulphurescent, if I may coin a word which it
+seems to me the English language is very much in need of.  It proves,
+then, that the bubble is a portion of the wake of a Stygian craft, and
+the only Stygian craft that has cleared the Cimmerian Harbor for years is
+the House-boat—Q. E. D.”
+
+“We can go back until we find the ripple again, and follow that, I
+presume,” sneered Le Coq, who did not take much stock in the theories of
+his great rival, largely because he was a detective by intuition rather
+than by study of the science.
+
+“You can if you want to, but it is better not to,” rejoined Holmes,
+simply, as though not observing the sneer, “because the ripple represents
+the outer lines of the angle of disturbance in the water; and as any one
+of the sides to an angle is greater than the perpendicular from the
+hypothenuse to the apex, you’d merely be going the long way.  This is
+especially important when you consider the formation of the bow of the
+House-boat, which is rounded like the stern of most vessels, and comes
+near to making a pair of ripples at an angle of ninety degrees.”
+
+“Then,” observed Sir Walter, with a sigh of disappointment, “we must
+change our course and sail for Paris?”
+
+“I am afraid so,” said Holmes; “but of course it’s by no means certain as
+yet.  I think if Columbus would go up into the mizzentop and look about
+him, he might discover something either in confirmation or refutation of
+the theory.”
+
+“He couldn’t discover anything,” put in Pinzon.  “He never did.”
+
+“Well, I like that!” retorted Columbus.  “I’d like to know who discovered
+America.”
+
+“So should I,” observed Leif Ericson, with a wink at Vespucci.
+
+“Tut!” retorted Columbus.  “I did it, and the world knows it, whether you
+claim it or not.”
+
+“Yes, just as Noah discovered Ararat,” replied Pinzon.  “You sat upon the
+deck until we ran plumb into an island, after floating about for three
+months, and then you couldn’t tell it from a continent, even when you had
+it right before your eyes.  Noah might just as well have told his family
+that he discovered a roof garden as for you to go back to Spain telling
+’em all that San Salvador was the United States.”
+
+“Well, I don’t care,” said Columbus, with a short laugh.  “I’m the one
+they celebrate, so what’s the odds?  I’d rather stay down here in the
+smoking-room enjoying a small game, anyhow, than climb up that mast and
+strain my eyes for ten or a dozen hours looking for evidence to prove or
+disprove the correctness of another man’s theory.  I wouldn’t know
+evidence when I saw it, anyhow.  Send Judge Blackstone.”
+
+“I draw the line at the mizzentop,” observed Blackstone.  “The dignity of
+the bench must and shall be preserved, and I’ll never consent to climb up
+that rigging, getting pitch and paint on my ermine, no matter who asks me
+to go.”
+
+      [Picture: Judge Blackstone refuses to climb to the mizzentop]
+
+“Whomsoever I tell to go, shall go,” put in Holmes, firmly.  “I am
+commander of this ship.  It will pay you to remember that, Judge
+Blackstone.”
+
+“And I am the Court of Appeals,” retorted Blackstone, hotly.  “Bear that
+in mind, captain, when you try to send me up.  I’ll issue a writ of
+_habeas corpus_ on my own body, and commit you for contempt.”
+
+“There’s no use of sending the Judge, anyhow,” said Raleigh, fearing by
+the glitter that came into the eye of the commander that trouble might
+ensue unless pacificatory measures were resorted to.  “He’s accustomed to
+weighing everything carefully, and cannot be rushed into a decision.  If
+he saw any evidence, he’d have to sit on it a week before reaching a
+conclusion.  What we need here more than anything else is an expert
+seaman, a lookout, and I nominate Shem.  He has sailed under his father,
+and I have it on good authority that he is a nautical expert.”
+
+Holmes hesitated for an instant.  He was considering the necessity of
+disciplining the recalcitrant Blackstone, but he finally yielded.
+
+“Very well,” he said.  “Shem be it.  Bo’sun, pipe Shem on deck, and tell
+him that general order number one requires him to report at the mizzentop
+right away, and that immediately he sees anything he shall come below and
+make it known to me.  As for the rest of us, having a very considerable
+appetite, I do now decree that it is dinner-time.  Shall we go below?”
+
+“I don’t think I care for any, thank you,” said Raleigh.  “Fact is—ah—I
+dined last week, and am not hungry.”
+
+Noah laughed.  “Oh, come below and watch us eat, then,” he said.  “It’ll
+do you good.”
+
+But there was no reply.  Raleigh had plunged head first into his
+state-room, which fortunately happened to be on the upper deck.  The rest
+of the spirits repaired below to the saloon, where they were soon engaged
+in an animated discussion of such viands as the larder provided.
+
+“This,” said Dr. Johnson, from the head of the table, “is what I call
+comfort.  I don’t know that I am so anxious to recover the House-boat,
+after all.”
+
+“Nor I,” said Socrates, “with a ship like this to go off cruising on, and
+with such a larder.  Look at the thickness of that puree, Doctor—”
+
+“Excuse me,” said Boswell, faintly, “but I—I’ve left my note—bub—book
+upstairs, Doctor, and I’d like to go up and get it.”
+
+“Certainly,” said Dr. Johnson.  “I judge from your color, which is highly
+suggestive of a modern magazine poster, that it might be well too if you
+stayed on deck for a little while and made a few entries in your
+commonplace book.”
+
+“Thank you,” said Boswell, gratefully.  “Shall you say anything clever
+during dinner, sir?  If so, I might be putting it down while I’m up—”
+
+“Get out!” roared the Doctor.  “Get up as high as you can—get up with
+Shem on the mizzentop—”
+
+                     [Picture: Shem in the look-out]
+
+“Very good, sir,” replied Boswell, and he was off.
+
+“You ought to be more lenient with him, Doctor,” said Bonaparte; “he
+means well.”
+
+“I know it,” observed Johnson; “but he’s so very previous.  Last winter,
+at Chaucer’s dinner to Burns, I made a speech, which Boswell printed a
+week before it was delivered, with the words ‘laughter’ and ‘uproarious
+applause’ interspersed through it.  It placed me in a false position.”
+
+“How did he know what you were going to say?” queried Demosthenes.
+
+“Don’t know,” replied Johnson.  “Kind of mind-reader, I fancy,” he added,
+blushing a trifle.  “But, Captain Holmes, what do you deduce from your
+observation of the wake of the House-boat?  If she’s going to Paris, why
+the change?”
+
+“I have two theories,” replied the detective.
+
+“Which is always safe,” said Le Coq.
+
+“Always; it doubles your chances of success,” acquiesced Holmes.
+“Anyhow, it gives you a choice, which makes it more interesting.  The
+change of her course from Londonward to Parisward proves to me either
+that Kidd is not satisfied with the extent of the revenge he has already
+taken, and wishes to ruin you gentlemen financially by turning your
+wives, daughters, and sisters loose on the Parisian shops, or that the
+pirates have themselves been overthrown by the ladies, who have decided
+to prolong their cruise and get some fun out of their misfortune.”
+
+“And where else than to Paris would any one in search of pleasure go?”
+asked Bonaparte.
+
+“I had more fun a few miles outside of Brussels,” said Wellington, with a
+sly wink at Washington.
+
+“Oh, let up on that!” retorted Bonaparte.  “It wasn’t you beat me at
+Waterloo.  You couldn’t have beaten me at a plain ordinary game of
+old-maid with a stacked pack of cards, much less in the game of war, if
+you hadn’t had the elements with you.”
+
+“Tut!” snapped Wellington.  “It was clear science laid you out, Boney.”
+
+“Taisey-voo!” shouted the irate Corsican.  “Clear science be hanged!  Wet
+science was what did it.  If it hadn’t been for the rain, my little Duke,
+I should have been in London within a week, my grenadiers would have been
+camping in your Rue Peekadeely, and the Old Guard all over everywhere
+else.”
+
+“You must have had a gay army, then,” laughed Cæsar.  “What are French
+soldiers made of, that they can’t stand the wet—unshrunk linen or
+flannel?”
+
+“Bah!” observed Napoleon, shrugging his shoulders and walking a few paces
+away.  “You do not understand the French.  The Frenchman is not a
+pell-mell soldier like you Romans; he is the poet of arms; he does not go
+in for glory at the expense of his dignity; style, form, is dearer to him
+than honor, and he has no use for fighting in the wet and coming out of
+the fight conspicuous as a victor with the curl out of his feathers and
+his epaulets rusted with the damp.  There is no glory in water.  But if
+we had had umbrellas and mackintoshes, as every Englishman who comes to
+the Continent always has, and a bath-tub for everybody, then would your
+Waterloo have been different again, and the great democracy of Europe
+with a Bonaparte for emperor would have been founded for what the
+Americans call the keeps; and as for your little Great Britain, ha! she
+would have become the Blackwell’s Island of the Greater France.”
+
+“You’re almost as funny as Punch isn’t,” drawled Wellington, with an
+angry gesture at Bonaparte.  “You weren’t within telephoning distance of
+victory all day.  We simply played with you, my boy.  It was a regular
+game of golf for us.  We let you keep up pretty close and win a few
+holes, but on the home drive we had you beaten in one stroke.  Go to, my
+dear Bonaparte, and stop talking about the flood.”
+
+“It’s a lucky thing for us that Noah wasn’t a Frenchman, eh?” said
+Frederick the Great.  “How that rain would have fazed him if he had been!
+The human race would have been wiped out.”
+
+“Oh, pshaw!” ejaculated Noah, deprecating the unseemliness of the
+quarrel, and putting his arm affectionately about Bonaparte’s shoulder.
+“When you come down to that, I was French—as French as one could be in
+those days—and these Gallic subjects of my friend here were, every one of
+’em, my lineal descendants, and their hatred of rain was inherited
+directly from me, their ancestor.”
+
+“Are not we English as much your descendants?” queried Wellington,
+arching his eyebrows.
+
+“You are,” said Noah, “but you take after Mrs. Noah more than after me.
+Water never fazes a woman, and your delight in tubs is an essentially
+feminine trait.  The first thing Mrs. Noah carried aboard was a laundry
+outfit, and then she went back for rugs and coats and all sorts of
+hand-baggage.  Gad, it makes me laugh to this day when I think of it!
+She looked for all the world like an Englishman travelling on the
+Continent as she walked up the gang-plank behind the elephants, each
+elephant with a Gladstone bag in his trunk and a hat-box tied to his
+tail.”  Here the venerable old weather-prophet winked at Munchausen, and
+the little quarrel which had been imminent passed off in a general laugh.
+
+“Where’s Boswell?  He ought to get that anecdote,” said Johnson.
+
+“I’ve locked him up in the library,” said Holmes.  “He’s in charge of the
+log, and as I have a pretty good general idea as to what is about to
+happen, I have mapped out a skeleton of the plot and set him to work
+writing it up.”  Here the detective gave a sudden start, placed his hand
+to his ear, listened intently for an instant, and, taking out his watch
+and glancing at it, added, quietly, “In three minutes Shem will be in
+here to announce a discovery, and one of great importance, I judge, from
+the squeak.”
+
+The assemblage gazed earnestly at Holmes for a moment.
+
+“The squeak?” queried Raleigh.
+
+“Precisely,” said Holmes.  “The squeak is what I said, and as I always
+say what I mean, it follows logically that I meant what I said.”
+
+“I heard no squeak,” observed Dr. Johnson; “and, furthermore, I fail to
+see how a squeak, if I had heard it, would have portended a discovery of
+importance.”
+
+“It would not—to you,” said Holmes; “but with me it is different.  My
+hearing is unusually acute.  I can hear the dropping of a pin through a
+stone wall ten feet thick; any sound within a mile of my eardrum vibrates
+thereon with an intensity which would surprise you, and it is by the use
+of cocaine that I have acquired this wonderfully acute sense.  A property
+which dulls the senses of most people renders mine doubly apprehensive;
+therefore, gentlemen, while to you there was no auricular disturbance, to
+me there was.  I heard Shem sliding down the mast a minute since.  The
+fact that he slid down the mast instead of climbing down the rigging
+showed that he was in great haste, therefore he must have something to
+communicate of great importance.”
+
+“Why isn’t he here already, then?  It wouldn’t take him two minutes to
+get from the deck here,” asked the ever-auspicious Le Coq.
+
+“It is simple,” returned Holmes, calmly.  “If you will go yourself and
+slide down that mast you will see.  Shem has stopped for a little
+witch-hazel to soothe his burns.  It is no cool matter sliding down a
+mast two hundred feet in height.”
+
+As Sherlock Holmes spoke the door burst open and Shem rushed in.
+
+“A signal of distress, captain!” he cried.
+
+“From what quarter—to larboard?” asked Holmes.
+
+“No,” returned Shem, breathless.
+
+“Then it must be dead ahead,” said Holmes.
+
+“Why not to starboard?” asked Le Coq, dryly.
+
+“Because,” answered Holmes, confidently, “it never happens so.  If you
+had ever read a truly exciting sea-tale, my dear Le Coq, you would have
+known that interesting things, and particularly signals of distress, are
+never seen except to larboard or dead ahead.”
+
+A murmur of applause greeted this retort, and Le Coq subsided.
+
+“The nature of the signal?” demanded Holmes.
+
+“A black flag, skull and cross-bones down, at half-mast!” cried Shem,
+“and on a rock-bound coast!”
+
+“They’re marooned, by heavens!” shouted Holmes, springing to his feet and
+rushing to the deck, where he was joined immediately by Sir Walter, Dr.
+Johnson, Bonaparte, and the others.
+
+“Isn’t he a daisy?” whispered Demosthenes to Diogenes as they climbed the
+stairs.
+
+“He is more than that; he’s a blooming orchid,” said Diogenes, with
+intense enthusiasm.  “I think I’ll get my X-ray lantern and see if he’s
+honest.”
+
+
+
+
+IX
+CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE
+
+
+“EXCUSE me, your Majesty,” remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra accorded
+permission to Captain Kidd to speak, “I have not been introduced to this
+gentleman nor has he been presented to me, and I really cannot consent to
+any proceeding so irregular as this.  I do not speak to gentlemen I have
+not met, nor do I permit them to address me.”
+
+“Hear, hear!” cried Xanthippe.  “I quite agree with the principle of my
+young friend from Troy.  It may be that when we claimed for ourselves all
+the rights of men that the right to speak and be spoken to by other men
+without an introduction will included in the list, but I for one have no
+desire to avail myself of the privilege, especially when it’s a
+horrid-looking man like this.”
+
+Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of the ladies
+fainted.
+
+“I will withdraw,” he said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be said
+that his suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt wish, for now that he
+found himself thus conspicuously brought before so many women, with
+falsehood on his lips, his courage began to ooze.
+
+“Not yet, please,” answered the chairlady.  “I imagine we can get about
+this difficulty without much trouble.”
+
+“I think it a perfectly proper objection too,” observed Delilah, rising.
+“If we ever needed etiquette we need it now.  But I have a plan which
+will obviate any further difficulty.  If there is no one among us who is
+sufficiently well acquainted with the gentleman to present him formally
+to us, I will for the time being take upon myself the office of ship’s
+barber and cut his hair.  I understand that it is quite the proper thing
+for barbers to talk, while cutting their hair, to persons to whom they
+have not been introduced.  And, besides, he really needs a hair-cut
+badly.  Thus I shall establish an acquaintance with the captain, after
+which I can with propriety introduce him to the rest of you.”
+
+“Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to that,” put in Queen
+Elizabeth.  “If I remember rightly, your last customer was very much
+dissatisfied with the trim you gave him.”
+
+“It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah proposes,” said Mrs. Noah,
+with a kindly smile, as she rose up from the corner in which she had been
+sitting, an interested listener.  “I can introduce the gentleman to you
+all with perfect propriety.  He’s a member of my family.  His grandfather
+was the great-grandson a thousand and eight times removed of my son
+Shem’s great-grandnephew on his father’s side.  His relationship to me is
+therefore obvious, though from what I know of his reputation I think he
+takes more after my husband’s ancestors than my own.  Willie, dear, these
+ladies are friends of mine.  Ladies, this young man is one of my most
+famous descendants.  He has been a man of many adventures, and he has
+been hanged once, which, far from making him undesirable as an
+acquaintance, has served merely to render him harmless, and therefore a
+safe person to know.  Now, my son, go ahead and speak your piece.”
+
+The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the objectors having
+thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began.
+
+“Now that I know you all,” he remarked, as pleasantly as he could under
+the circumstances, “I feel that I can speak more freely, and certainly
+with a great deal less embarrassment than if I were addressing a
+gathering of entire strangers.  I am not much of a hand at speaking, and
+have always felt somewhat nonplussed at finding myself in a position of
+this nature.  In my whole career I never experienced but one irresistible
+impulse to make a public address of any length, and that was upon that
+unhappy occasion to which the greatest and grandest of my
+great-grandmothers has alluded, and that only as the chain by which I was
+suspended in mid-air tightened about my vocal chords.  At that moment I
+could have talked impromptu for a year, so fast and numerously did
+thoughts of the uttermost import surge upward into my brain; but
+circumstances over which I had no control prevented the utterance of
+those thoughts, and that speech is therefore lost to the world.”
+
+“He has the gift of continuity,” observed Madame Récamier.
+
+“Ought to be in the United States Senate,” smiled Elizabeth.
+
+“I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is outrageously handsome
+or desperately ugly,” remarked Helen of Troy.  “He fascinates me, but
+whether it is the fascination of liking or of horror I can’t tell, and
+it’s quite important.”
+
+“Ladies,” resumed the captain, his uneasiness increasing as he came to
+the point, “I am but the agent of your respective husbands, _fiancés_,
+and other masculine guardians.  The gentlemen who were previously the
+tenants of this club-house have delegated to me the important, and I may
+add highly agreeable, task of showing you the world.  They have noted of
+late years the growth of that feeling of unrest which is becoming every
+day more and more conspicuous in feminine circles in all parts of the
+universe—on the earth, where women are clamoring to vote, and to be
+allowed to go out late at night without an escort, in Hades, where, as
+you are no doubt aware, the management of the government has fallen
+almost wholly into the hands of the Furies; and even in the halls of
+Jupiter himself, where, I am credibly informed, Juno has been taking
+private lessons in the art of hurling thunderbolts—information which the
+extraordinary quality of recent electrical storms on the earth would seem
+to confirm.  Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither and yon in
+a most erratic fashion, striking where they were least expected, as those
+of you who keep in touch with the outer world must be fully aware.  Now,
+actuated by their usual broad and liberal motives, the men of Hades wish
+to meet the views of you ladies to just that extent that your views are
+based upon a wise selection, in turn based upon experience, and they have
+come to me and in so many words have said, ‘Mr. Kidd, we wish the women
+of Hades to see the world.  We want them to be satisfied.  We do not like
+this constantly increasing spirit of unrest.  We, who have seen all the
+life that we care to see, do not ourselves feel equal to the task of
+showing them about.  We will pay you liberally if you will take our
+House-boat, which they have always been anxious to enter, and personally
+conduct our beloved ones to Paris, London, and elsewhere.  Let them see
+as much of life as they can stand.  Accord them every privilege.  Spare
+no expense; only bring them back again to us safe and sound.’  These were
+their words, ladies.  I asked them why they didn’t come along themselves,
+saying that even if they were tired of it all, they should make some
+personal sacrifice to your comfort; and they answered, reasonably and
+well, that they would be only too glad to do so, but that they feared
+they might unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon you.
+‘We want them to feel absolutely free, Captain Kidd,’ said they, ‘and if
+we are along they may not feel so.’  The answer was convincing, ladies,
+and I accepted the commission.”
+
+“But we knew nothing of all this,” interposed Elizabeth.  “The subject
+was not broached to us by our husbands, brothers, _fiancés_, or fathers.
+My brother, Sir Walter Raleigh—”
+
+Cleopatra chuckled.  “Brother!  Brother’s good,” she said.
+
+“Well, that’s what he is,” retorted Elizabeth, quickly.  “I promised to
+be a sister to him, and I’m going to keep my word.  That’s the kind of a
+queen I am.  I was about to remark,” Elizabeth added, turning to the
+captain, “that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at any
+such plan, and usually he asked my advice in matters of so great
+importance.”
+
+“That is easily accounted for, madame,” retorted Kidd.  “Sir Walter
+intended this as a little surprise for you, that is all.  The
+arrangements were all placed in his hands, and it was he who bound us all
+to secrecy.  None of the ladies were to be informed of it.”
+
+“It does not sound altogether plausible,” interposed Portia.  “If you
+ladies do not object, I should like to cross-examine this—ah—gentleman.”
+
+Kidd paled visibly.  He was not prepared for any such trial; however, he
+put as good a face on the matter as he could, and announced his
+willingness to answer any questions that he might be asked.
+
+     [Picture: Captain Kidd consents to be cross-examined by Portia]
+
+“Shall we put him under oath?” asked Cleopatra.
+
+“As you please, ladies,” said the pirate.  “A pirate’s word is as good as
+his bond; but I’ll take an oath if you choose—a half-dozen of ’em, if
+need be.”
+
+“I fancy we can get along without that,” said Portia.  “Now, Captain
+Kidd, who first proposed this plan?”
+
+“Socrates,” said Kidd, unblushingly with a sly glance at Xanthippe.
+
+“What?” cried Xanthippe.  “My husband propose anything that would
+contribute to my pleasure or intellectual advancement?  Bah!  Your story
+is transparently false at the outset.”
+
+“Nevertheless,” said Kidd, “the scheme was proposed by Socrates.  He said
+a trip of that kind for Xanthippe would be very restful and
+health-giving.”
+
+“For me?” cried Xanthippe, sceptically.
+
+“No, madame, for him,” retorted Kidd.
+
+“Ah—ho-ho!  That’s the way of it, eh?” said Xanthippe, flushing to the
+roots of her hair.  “Very likely.  You—ah—you will excuse my doubting
+your word, Captain Kidd, a moment since.  I withdraw my remark, and in
+order to make fullest reparation, I beg to assure these ladies that I am
+now perfectly convinced that you are telling the truth.  That last
+observation is just like my husband, and when I get back home again, if I
+ever do, well—ha, ha!—we’ll have a merry time, that’s all.”
+
+“And what was—ah—Bassanio’s connection with this affair?” added Portia,
+hesitatingly.
+
+“He was not informed of it,” said Kidd, archly.  “I am not acquainted
+with Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard Sir Walter enjoining upon the
+others the absolute necessity of keeping the whole affair from Bassanio,
+because he was afraid he would not consent to it.  ‘Bassanio has a most
+beautiful wife, gentlemen,’ said Sir Walter, ‘and he wouldn’t think of
+parting with her under any circumstances; therefore let us keep our
+intentions a secret from him.’  I did not hear whom the gentleman
+married, madame; but the others, Prince Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham,
+and Louis the Fourteenth, all agreed that Mrs. Bassanio was too beautiful
+a person to be separated from, and that it was better, therefore, to keep
+Bassanio in the dark as to their little enterprise until it was too late
+for him to interfere.”
+
+A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of the
+cross-examiner, and it did not require a very sharp eye to see that the
+wily Kidd had completely won her over to his side.  On the other hand,
+Elizabeth’s brow became as corrugated as her ruff, and the spirit of the
+pirate shivered to the core as he turned and gazed upon that glowering
+face.
+
+“Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?” snapped Elizabeth.  “And yet he was
+willing to part with—ah—his sister.”
+
+“Well, your Majesty,” began Kidd, hesitatingly, “you see it was this way:
+Sir Walter—er—did say that, but—ah—he—ah—but he added that he of course
+merely judged—er—this man Bassanio’s feelings by his own in parting from
+his sister—”
+
+“Did he say sister?” cried Elizabeth.
+
+“Well—no—not in those words,” shuffled Kidd, perceiving quickly wherein
+his error lay, “but—ah—I jumped at the conclusion, seeing his intense
+enthusiasm for the lady’s beauty and—er—intellectual qualities, that he
+referred to you, and it is from yourself that I have gained my knowledge
+as to the fraternal, not to say sororal, relationship that exists between
+you.”
+
+“That man’s a diplomat from Diplomaville!” muttered Sir Henry Morgan,
+who, with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was listening at the port without.
+
+“He is that,” said Abeuchapeta, “but he can’t last much longer.  He’s
+perspiring like a pitcher of ice-water on a hot day, and a spirit of his
+size and volatile nature can’t stand much of that without evaporating.
+If you will observe him closely you will see that his left arm already
+has vanished into thin air.”
+
+“By Jove!” whispered Conrad, “that’s a fact!  If they don’t let up on him
+he’ll vanish.  He’s getting excessively tenuous about the top of his
+head.”
+
+All of which was only too true.  Subjected to a scrutiny which he had
+little expected, the deceitful ambassador of the thieving band was
+rapidly dissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely noted, was
+in imminent danger of complete sublimation, which, in the case of one
+possessed of so little elementary purity, meant nothing short of
+annihilation.  Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful tact had
+stemmed the tide of suspicion.  Elizabeth was satisfied with his
+explanation, and in the minds of at least three of the most influential
+ladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he had become a
+creature worthy of credence, which meant that he had nothing more to
+fear.
+
+“I am prepared, your Majesty,” said Elizabeth, addressing Cleopatra, “to
+accept from this time on the gentleman’s word.  The little that he has
+already told us is hall-marked with truth.  I should like to ask,
+however, one more question, and that is how our gentleman friends
+expected to embark us upon this voyage without letting us into the
+secret?”
+
+“Oh, as for that,” replied Kidd, with a deep-drawn sigh of relief, for he
+too had noticed the gradual evaporation of his arm and the incipient
+etherization of his cranium—“as for that, it was simple enough.  There
+was to have been a day set apart for ladies’ day at the club, and when
+you were all on board we were quietly to weigh anchor and start.  The
+fact that you had anticipated the day, of your own volition, was
+telephoned by my scouts to me at my headquarters, and that news was by me
+transmitted by messenger to Sir Walter at Charon’s Glen Island, where the
+long-talked-of fight between Samson and Goliath was taking place.
+Raleigh immediately replied, ‘_Good_!  _Start at once_.  _Paris first_.
+_Unlimited credit_.  _Love to Elizabeth_.’  Wherefore, ladies,” he added,
+rising from his chair and walking to the door—“wherefore you are here and
+in my care.  Make yourselves comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion
+papers which you have already received prepare yourselves for the joys
+that await you.  With the aid of Madame Récamier and Baedeker’s _Paris_,
+which you will find in the library, it will be your own fault if when you
+arrive there you resemble a great many less fortunate women who don’t
+know what they want.”
+
+With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and fainted in the
+arms of Sir Henry Morgan.  The strain upon him had been too great.
+
+“A charming fellow,” said Portia, as the pirate disappeared.
+
+“Most attractive,” said Elizabeth.
+
+“Handsome, too, don’t you think?” asked Helen of Troy.
+
+“And truthful beyond peradventure,” observed Xanthippe, as she reflected
+upon the words the captain had attributed to Socrates.  “I didn’t believe
+him at first, but when he told me what my sweet-tempered philosopher had
+said, I was convinced.”
+
+“He’s a sweet child,” interposed Mrs. Noah, fondly.  “One of my favorite
+grandchildren.”
+
+“Which makes it embarrassing for me to say,” cried Cassandra, starting up
+angrily, “that he is a base caitiff!”
+
+Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could not have
+created a greater sensation than the words of Cassandra.
+
+“What?” cried several voices at once.  “A caitiff?”
+
+“A caitiff with a capital K,” retorted Cassandra.  “I know that, because
+while he was telling his story I was listening to it with one ear and
+looking forward into the middle of next week with the other—I mean the
+other eye—and I saw—”
+
+“Yes, you saw?” cried Cleopatra.
+
+“I saw that he was deceiving us.  Mark my words, ladies, he is a base
+caitiff,” replied Cassandra—“a base caitiff.”
+
+“What did you see?” cried Elizabeth, excitedly.
+
+“This,” said Cassandra, and she began a narration of future events which
+I must defer to the next chapter.  Meanwhile his associates were
+endeavoring to restore the evaporated portions of the prostrated Kidd’s
+spirit anatomy by the use of a steam-atomizer, but with indifferent
+success.  Kidd’s training had not fitted him for an intellectual combat
+with superior women, and he suffered accordingly.
+
+ [Picture: Kidd’s companions endeavouring to restore evaporating portions
+                  of his anatomy with a steam-atomizer]
+
+
+
+
+X
+A WARNING ACCEPTED
+
+
+“IT is with no desire to interrupt my friend Cassandra unnecessarily,”
+said Mrs. Noah, as the prophetess was about to narrate her story, “that I
+rise to beg her to remember that, as an ancestress of Captain Kidd, I
+hope she will spare a grandmother’s feelings, if anything in the story
+she is about to tell is improper to be placed before the young.  I have
+been so shocked by the stories of perfidy and baseness generally that
+have been published of late years, that I would interpose a protest while
+there is yet time if there is a line in Cassandra’s story which ought to
+be withheld from the public; a protest based upon my affection for
+posterity, and in the interests of morality everywhere.”
+
+“You may rest easy upon that score, my dear Mrs. Noah,” said the
+prophetess.  “What I have to say would commend itself, I am sure, even to
+the ears of a British matron; and while it is as complete a demonstration
+of man’s perfidy as ever was, it is none the less as harmless a little
+tale as the Dottie Dimple books or any other more recent study of New
+England character.”
+
+“Thank you for the load your words have lifted from my mind,” said Mrs.
+Noah, settling back in her chair, a satisfied expression upon her gentle
+countenance.  “I hope you will understand why I spoke, and withal why
+modern literature generally has been so distressful to me.  When you
+reflect that the world is satisfied that most of man’s criminal instincts
+are the result of heredity, and that Mr. Noah and I are unable to shift
+the responsibility for posterity to other shoulders than our own, you
+will understand my position.  We were about the most domestic old couple
+that ever lived, and when we see the long and varied assortment of crimes
+that are cropping out everywhere in our descendants it is painful to us
+to realize what a pair of unconsciously wicked old fogies we must have
+been.”
+
+“We all understand that,” said Cleopatra, kindly; “and we are all
+prepared to acquit you of any responsibility for the advanced condition
+of wickedness to-day.  Man has progressed since your time, my dear
+grandma, and the modern improvements in the science of crime are no more
+attributable to you than the invention of the telephone or the oyster
+cocktail is attributable to your husband.”
+
+“Thank you kindly,” murmured the old lady, and she resumed her knitting
+upon a phantom tam-o’-shanter, which she was making as a Christmas
+surprise for her husband.
+
+“When Captain Kidd began his story,” said Cassandra, “he made one very
+bad mistake, and yet one which was prompted by that courtesy which all
+men instinctively adopt when addressing women.  When he entered the room
+he removed his hat, and therein lay his fatal error, if he wished to
+convince me of the truth of his story, for with his hat removed I could
+see the workings of his mind.  While you ladies were watching his lips or
+his eyes, some of you taking in the gorgeous details of his dress, all of
+you hanging upon his every word, I kept my eye fixed firmly upon his
+imagination, and I saw, what you did not, _that he was drawing wholly
+upon that_!”
+
+“How extraordinary!” cried Elizabeth.
+
+“Yes—and fortunate,” said Cassandra.  “Had I not done so, a week hence we
+should, every one of us, have been lost in the surging wickedness of the
+city of Paris.”
+
+“But, Cassandra,” said Trilby, who was anxious to return once more to the
+beautiful city by the Seine, “he told us we were going to Paris.”
+
+               [Picture: He told us we were going to Paris]
+
+“Of course he did,” said Madame Récamier, “and in so many words.
+Certainly he was not drawing upon his imagination there.”
+
+“And one might be lost in a very much worse place,” put in Marguerite de
+Valois, “if, indeed, it were possible to lose us in Paris at all.  I
+fancy that I know enough about Paris to find my way about.”
+
+“Humph!” ejaculated Cassandra.  “What a foolish little thing you are!
+You don’t imagine that the Paris of to-day is the Paris of your time, or
+even the Paris of that sweet child Trilby’s time, do you?  If you do you
+are very much mistaken.  I almost wish I had not warned you of your
+danger and had let you go, just to see those eyes of yours open with
+amazement at the change.  You’d find your Louvre a very different sort of
+a place from what it used to be, my dear lady.  Those pleasing little
+windows through which your relations were wont in olden times to indulge
+in target practice at people who didn’t go to their church are now kept
+closed; the galleries which used to swarm with people, many of whom ought
+to have been hanged, now swarm with pictures, many of which ought not to
+have been hung; the romance which clung about its walls is as much a part
+of the dead past as yourselves, and were you to materialize suddenly
+therein you would find yourselves jostled and hustled and trodden upon by
+the curious from other lands, with Argus eyes taking in five hundred
+pictures a minute, and traversing those halls at a rate of speed at which
+Mercury himself would stand aghast.”
+
+“But my beloved Tuileries?” cried Marie Antoinette.
+
+“Has been swallowed up by a play-ground for the people, my dear,” said
+Cassandra, gently.  “Paris is no place for us, and it is the intention of
+these men, in whose hands we are, to take us there and then desert us.
+Can you imagine anything worse than ourselves, the phantoms of a glorious
+romantic past, basely deserted in the streets of a wholly strange,
+superficial, material city of to-day?  What do you think, Elizabeth,
+would be your fate if, faint and famished, you begged for sustenance at
+an English door to-day, and when asked your name and profession were to
+reply, ‘Elizabeth, Queen of England’?”
+
+“Insane asylum,” said Elizabeth, shortly.
+
+“Precisely.  So in Paris with the rest of us,” said Cassandra.
+
+“How do you know all this?” asked Trilby, still unconvinced.
+
+“I know it just as you knew how to become a prima donna,” said Cassandra.
+“I am, however, my own Svengali, which is rather preferable to the patent
+detachable hypnotizer you had.  I hypnotize myself, and direct my mind
+into the future.  I was a professional forecaster in the days of ancient
+Troy, and if my revelations had been heeded the Priam family would, I
+doubt not, still be doing business at the old stand, and Mr. Æneas would
+not have grown round-shouldered giving his poor father a picky-back ride
+on the opening night of the horse-show, so graphically depicted by
+Virgil.”
+
+“I never heard about that,” said Trilby.  “It sounds like a very funny
+story, though.”
+
+“Well, it wasn’t so humorous for some as it was for others,” said
+Cassandra, with a sly glance at Helen.  “The fact is, until you mentioned
+it yourself, it never occurred to me that there was much fun in any
+portion of the Trojan incident, excepting perhaps the delirium tremens of
+old Laocoon, who got no more than he deserved for stealing my thunder.  I
+had warned Troy against the Greeks, and they all laughed at me, and said
+my eye to the future was strabismatic; that the Greeks couldn’t get into
+Troy at all, even if they wanted to.  And then the Greeks made a great
+wooden horse as a gift for the Trojans, and when I turned my X-ray gaze
+upon it I saw that it contained about six brigades of infantry, three
+artillery regiments, and sharp-shooters by the score.  It was a sort of
+military Noah’s Ark; but I knew that the prejudice against me was so
+strong that nobody would believe what I told them.  So I said nothing.
+My prophecies never came true, they said, failing to observe that my
+warning as to what would be was in itself the cause of their
+non-fulfilment.  But desiring to save Troy, I sent for Laocoon and told
+him all about it, and he went out and announced it as his own private
+prophecy; and then, having tried to drown his conscience in strong
+waters, he fell a victim to the usual serpentine hallucination, and
+everybody said he wasn’t sober, and therefore unworthy of belief.  The
+horse was accepted, hauled into the city, and that night orders came from
+hindquarters to the regiments concealed inside to march.  They marched,
+and next morning Troy had been removed from the map; ninety per cent of
+the Trojans died suddenly, and Æneas, grabbing up his family in one hand
+and his gods in the other, went yachting for several seasons, ultimately
+settling down in Italy.  All of this could have been avoided if the
+Trojans would have taken the hint from my prophecies.  They preferred,
+however, not to do it, with the result that to-day no one but Helen and
+myself knows even where Troy was, and we’ll never tell.”
+
+“It is all true,” said Helen, proudly.  “I was the woman who was at the
+bottom of it all, and I can testify that Cassandra always told the truth,
+which is why she was always so unpopular.  When anything that was
+unpleasant happened, after it was all over she would turn and say,
+sweetly, ‘I told you so.’  She was the original ‘I told you so’ nuisance,
+and of course she had the newspapyruses down on her, because she never
+left them any sensation to spring upon the public.  If she had only told
+a fib once in a while, the public would have had more confidence in her.”
+
+“Thank you for your endorsement,” said Cassandra, with a nod at Helen.
+“With such testimony I cannot see how you can refrain from taking my
+advice in this matter; and I tell you, ladies, that this man Kidd has
+made his story up out of whole cloth; the men of Hades had no more to do
+with our being here than we had; they were as much surprised as we are to
+find us gone.  Kidd himself was not aware of our presence, and his object
+in taking us to Paris is to leave us stranded there, disembodied spirits,
+vagrant souls with no familiar haunts to haunt, no place to rest, and
+nothing before us save perpetual exile in a world that would have no
+sympathy for us in our misfortune, and no belief in our continued
+existence.”
+
+“But what, then, shall we do?” cried Ophelia, wringing her hands in
+despair.
+
+“It is a terrible problem,” said Cleopatra, anxiously; “and yet it does
+seem as if our woman’s instinct ought to show us some way out of our
+trouble.”
+
+“The Committee on Treachery,” said Delilah, “has already suggested a
+chafing-dish party, with Lucretia Borgia in charge of the lobster
+Newberg.”
+
+“That is true,” said Lucretia; “but I find, in going through my reticule,
+that my maid, for some reason unknown to me, has failed to renew my
+supply of poisons.  I shall discharge her on my return home, for she
+knows that I never go anywhere without them; but that does not help
+matters at this juncture.  The sad fact remains that I could prepare a
+thousand delicacies for these pirates without fatal results.”
+
+“You mean immediately fatal, do you not?” suggested Xanthippe.  “I could
+myself prepare a cake which would in time reduce our captors to a state
+of absolute dependence, but of course the effect is not immediate.”
+
+“We might give a musicale, and let Trilby sing ‘Ben Bolt’ to them,”
+suggested Marguerite de Valois, with a giggle.
+
+“Don’t be flippant, please,” said Portia.  “We haven’t time to waste on
+flippant suggestions.  Perhaps a court-martial of these pirates,
+supplemented by a yard-arm, wouldn’t be a bad thing.  I’ll prosecute the
+case.”
+
+“You forget that you are dealing with immortal spirits,” observed
+Cleopatra.  “If these creatures were mortals, hanging them would be all
+right, and comparatively easy, considering that we outnumber them ten to
+one, and have many resources for getting them, more or less, in our
+power, but they are not.  They have gone through the refining process of
+dissolution once, and there’s an end to that.  Our only resource is in
+the line of deception, and if we cannot deceive them, then we have ceased
+to be women.”
+
+“That is truly said,” observed Elizabeth.  “And inasmuch as we have
+already provided ourselves with a suitable committee for the preparation
+of our plans of a deceptive nature, I move, as the easiest possible
+solution of the difficulty for the rest of us, that the Committee on
+Treachery be requested to go at once into executive session, with orders
+not to come out of it until they have suggested a plausible plan of
+campaign against our abductors.  We must be rid of them.  Let the
+Committee on Treachery say how.”
+
+“Second the motion,” said Mrs. Noah.  “You are a very clear-headed young
+woman, Lizzie, and your grandmother is proud of you.”
+
+  [Picture: “You are a very clear-headed young woman, Lizzie,” said Mrs.
+                                  Noah]
+
+The Committee on Treachery were about to protest, but the chair refused
+to entertain any debate upon the question, which was put and carried with
+a storm of approval.
+
+Five minutes later a note was handed through the port, addressed to
+Cleopatra, which read as follows:
+
+    “DEAR MADAME,—Six bells has just struck, and the officers and crew
+    are hungry.  Will you and your fair companions co-operate with us in
+    our enterprise by having a hearty dinner ready within two hours?  A
+    speck has appeared on the horizon which betokens a coming storm, else
+    we would prepare our supper ourselves.  As it is, we feel that your
+    safety depends on our remaining on deck.  If there is any beer on the
+    ice, we prefer it to tea.  Two cases will suffice.
+
+                                                      “Yours respectfully,
+
+                                        “HENRY MORGAN, Bart.; First Mate.”
+
+“Hurrah!” cried Cleopatra, as she read this communication.  “I have an
+idea.  Tell the Committee on Treachery to appear before the full meeting
+at once.”
+
+The committee was summoned, and Cleopatra announced her plan of
+operation, and it was unanimously adopted; but what it was we shall have
+to wait for another chapter to learn.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+MAROONED
+
+
+WHEN Captain Holmes arrived upon deck he seized his glass, and, gazing
+intently through it for a moment, perceived that the faithful Shem had
+not deceived him.  Flying at half-mast from a rude, roughly hewn pole set
+upon a rocky height was the black flag, emblem of piracy, and, as Artemus
+Ward put it, “with the second joints reversed.”  It was in very truth a
+signal of distress.
+
+“I make it a point never to be surprised,” observed Holmes, as he peered
+through the glass, “but this beats me.  I didn’t know there was an island
+of this nature in these latitudes.  Blackstone, go below and pipe Captain
+Cook on deck.  Perhaps he knows what island that is.”
+
+“You’ll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes,” replied the Judge.  “I didn’t
+ship on this voyage as a cabin-boy or a messenger-boy.  Therefore I—”
+
+“Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons,” interrupted Holmes, sternly.  “I
+expect to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone, whether you shipped as a Lord
+Chief-Justice or a state-room steward.  When I issue an order it must be
+obeyed.  Step lively there, Bonaparte.  Get his honor ironed and summon
+your marines.  We may have work to do before night.  Hamlet, pipe Captain
+Cook on deck.”
+
+“Aye, aye, sir,” replied Hamlet, with alacrity, as he made off.
+
+“That’s the way to obey orders,” said Holmes, with a scornful glance at
+Blackstone.
+
+“I was only jesting, Captain,” said the latter, paling somewhat.
+
+“That’s all right,” said Holmes, taking up his glass again.  “So was I
+when I ordered you in irons, and in order that you may appreciate the
+full force of the joke I repeat it.  Bonaparte, do your duty.”
+
+In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge shortly found
+himself manacled and alone in the forecastle.  Meanwhile Captain Cook, in
+response to the commander’s order, repaired to the deck and scanned the
+distant coast.
+
+“I can’t place it,” he said.  “It can’t be Monte Cristo, can it?”
+
+“No, it can’t,” said the Count, who stood hard by.  “My island was in the
+Mediterranean, and even if it dragged anchor it couldn’t have got out
+through the Strait of Gibraltar.”
+
+“Perhaps it’s Robinson Crusoe’s island,” suggested Doctor Johnson.
+
+“Not it,” observed De Foe.  “If it is, the rest of you will please keep
+off.  It’s mine, and I may want to use it again.  I’ve been having a
+number of interviews with Crusoe latterly, and he’s given me a lot of new
+points, which I intend incorporating in a sequel for the Cimmerian
+Magazine.”
+
+“Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it, then?” roared Holmes,
+angrily.  “What is the matter with all you learned lubbers that I have
+brought along on this trip?  Do you suppose I’ve brought you to whistle
+up favorable winds?  Not by the beard of the Prophet!  I brought you to
+give me information, and now when I ask for the name of a simple little
+island like that in plain sight there’s not one of you able so much as to
+guess at it reasonably.  The next man I ask for information goes into
+irons with Judge Blackstone if he doesn’t answer me instantly with the
+information I want.  Munchausen, what island is that?”
+
+“Ahem! that?” replied Munchausen, trembling, as he reflected upon the
+Captain’s threat.  “What?  Nobody knows what island that is?  Why, you
+surprise me—
+
+“See here, Baron,” retorted Holmes, menacingly, “I ask you a plain
+question, and I want a plain answer, with no evasions to gain time.  Now
+it’s irons or an answer.  What island is that?”
+
+“It’s an island that doesn’t appear on any chart, Captain,” Munchausen
+responded instantly, pulling himself together for a mighty effort, “and
+it has never been given a name; but as you insist upon having one, we’ll
+call it Holmes Island, in your honor.  It is not stationary.  It is a
+floating island of lava formation, and is a menace to every craft that
+goes to sea.  I spent a year of my life upon it once, and it is more
+barren than the desert of Sahara, because you cannot raise even sand upon
+it, and it is devoid of water of any sort, salt or fresh.”
+
+“What did you live on during that year?” asked Holmes, eying him
+narrowly.
+
+“Canned food from wrecks,” replied the Baron, feeling much easier now
+that he had got a fair start—“canned food from wrecks, commander.  There
+is a magnetic property in the upper stratum of this piece of derelict
+real estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of canned substance that
+is lost overboard in all parts of the world.  A ship is wrecked, say, in
+the Pacific Ocean, and ultimately all the loose metal upon her will
+succumb to the irresistible attraction of this magnetic upper stratum,
+and will find its way to its shores.  So in any other part of the earth.
+Everything metallic turns up here sooner or later; and when you consider
+that thousands of vessels go down every year, vessels which are
+provisioned with tinned foods only, you will begin to comprehend how many
+millions of pounds of preserved salmon, sardines, _pâté de foie gras_,
+peaches, and so on, can be found strewn along its coast.”
+
+“Munchausen,” said Holmes, smiling, “by the blush upon your cheek,
+coupled with an occasional uneasy glance of the eye, I know that for once
+you are standing upon the, to you, unfamiliar ground of truth, and I
+admire you for it.  There is nothing to be ashamed of in telling the
+truth occasionally.  You are a man after my own heart.  Come below and
+have a cocktail.  Captain Cook, take command of the _Gehenna_ during my
+absence; head her straight for Holmes Island, and when you discover
+anything new let me know.  Bonaparte, in honor of Munchausen’s remarkable
+genius, I proclaim general amnesty to our prisoners, and you may release
+Blackstone from his dilemma; and if you have any tin soldiers among your
+marines, see that they are lashed to the rigging.  I don’t want this
+electric island of the Baron’s to get a grip upon my military force at
+this juncture.”
+
+With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the two
+worthies were soon deep in the mysteries of a phantom cocktail, while
+Doctor Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out over the ocean at the
+floating island.
+
+“De Foe,” said Johnson “that ought to be a lesson to you.  This realism
+that you tie up to is all right when you are alone with your conscience;
+but when there are great things afoot, an imagination and a broad view as
+to the limitations of truth aren’t at all bad.  You or I might now be
+drinking that cocktail with Holmes if we’d only risen to the opportunity
+the way Munchausen did.”
+
+               [Picture: That ought to be a lesson to you]
+
+“That is true,” said De Foe, sadly.  “But I didn’t suppose he wanted that
+kind of information.  I could have spun a better yarn than that of
+Munchausen’s with my eyes shut.  I supposed he wanted truth, and I gave
+it.”
+
+“I’d like to know what has become of the House-boat,” said Raleigh,
+anxiously gazing through the glass at the island.  “I can see old Henry
+Morgan sitting down there on the rocks with his elbows on his knees and
+his chin in his hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are standing back of him,
+yelling like mad, but there isn’t a boat in sight.”
+
+“Who is that man, off to the right, dancing a fandango?” asked Johnson.
+
+“It looks like Conrad, but I can’t tell.  He appears to have gone crazy.
+He’s got that wild look on his face which betokens insanity.  We’ll have
+to be careful in our parleyings with these people,” said Raleigh.
+
+“Anything new?” asked Holmes, returning to the deck, smacking his lips in
+enjoyment of the cocktail.
+
+“No—except that we are almost within hailing distance,” said Cook.
+
+“Then give orders to cast anchor,” observed Holmes.  “Bonaparte, take a
+crew of picked men ashore and bring those pirates aboard.  Take the three
+musketeers with you, and don’t let Kidd or Morgan give you any back talk.
+If they try any funny business, exorcise them.”
+
+“Aye, aye, sir,” replied Bonaparte, and in a moment a boat had been
+lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors were pulling for the shore.  As they
+came within ten feet of it the pirates made a mad dash down the rough,
+rocky hillside and clamored to be saved.
+
+  [Picture: The pirates made a mad dash down the rough, rocky hill-side]
+
+“What’s happened to you?” cried Bonaparte, ordering the sailors to back
+water lest the pirates should too hastily board the boat and swamp her.
+
+“We are marooned,” replied Kidd, “and on an island of a volcanic nature.
+There isn’t a square inch of it that isn’t heated up to 125 degrees, and
+seventeen of us have already evaporated.  Conrad has lost his reason;
+Abeuchapeta has become so tenuous that a child can see through him.  As
+for myself, I am growing iridescent with anxiety, and unless I get off
+this infernal furnace I’ll disappear like a soap-bubble.  For Heaven’s
+sake, then, General, take us off, on your own terms.  We’ll accept
+anything.”
+
+As if in confirmation of Kidd’s words, six of the pirate crew collapsed
+and disappeared into thin air, and a glance at Abeuchapeta was proof
+enough of his condition.  He had become as clear as crystal, and had it
+not been for his rugged outlines he would hardly have been visible even
+to his fellow-spirits.  As for Kidd, he had taken on the aspect of a
+rainbow, and it was patent that his fears for himself were all too well
+founded.
+
+Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning subsequently
+for the others, and repaired with them at once to the _Gehenna_, where
+they were ushered into the presence of Sherlock Holmes.  The first
+question he asked was as to the whereabouts of the House-boat.
+
+“That we do not know,” replied Kidd, mournfully, gazing downward at the
+wreck of his former self.  “We came ashore, sir, early yesterday morning,
+in search of food.  It appears that when—acting in a wholly inexcusable
+fashion, and influenced, I confess it, by motives of revenge—I made off
+with your club-house, I neglected to ascertain if it were well stocked
+with provisions, a fatal error; for when we endeavored to get supper we
+discovered that the larder contained but half a bottle of farcie olives,
+two salted almonds, and a soda cracker—not a luxurious feast for
+sixty-nine pirates and a hundred and eighty-three women to sit down to.”
+
+“That’s all nonsense,” said Demosthenes.  “The House Committee had
+provided enough supper for six hundred people, in anticipation of the
+appetite of the members on their return from the fight.”
+
+“Of course they did,” said Confucius; “and it was a good one, too—salads,
+salmon glacé, lobsters—every blessed thing a man can’t get at home we
+had; and what is more, they’d been delivered on board.  I saw to that
+before I went up the river.”
+
+“Then,” moaned Kidd, “it is as I suspected.  We were the victims of base
+treachery on the part of those women.”
+
+“Treachery?  Well, I like that.  Call it reciprocity,” said Hamlet,
+dryly.
+
+“We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing for supper save
+the items I have already referred to,” said Kidd.  “I see it all now.  We
+had tried to make them comfortable, and I put myself to some considerable
+personal inconvenience to make them easy in their minds, but they were
+ungrateful.”
+
+“Whatever induced you to take ’em along with you?” asked Socrates.
+
+“We didn’t want them,” said Kidd.
+
+“We didn’t know they were on board until it was too late to turn back.
+They’d broken in, and were having the club all to themselves in your
+absence.”
+
+“It served you good and right,” said Socrates, with a laugh.  “Next time
+you try to take things that don’t belong to you, maybe you’ll be a trifle
+more careful as to whose property you confiscate.”
+
+“But the House-boat—you haven’t told us how you lost her,” put in
+Raleigh, impatiently.
+
+“Well, it was this way,” said Kidd.  “When, in response to our polite
+request for supper, the ladies said there was nothing to eat on board,
+something had to be done, for we were all as hungry as bears, and we
+decided to go ashore at the first port and provision.  Unfortunately the
+crew got restive, and when this floating frying-pan loomed into view, to
+keep them good-natured we decided to land and see if we could beg,
+borrow, or steal some supplies.  We had to.  Observations taken with the
+sextant showed that there was no port within five hundred miles; the
+island looked as if it might be inhabited at least by goats, and ashore
+we went, every man of us, leaving the House-boat safely anchored in the
+harbor.  At first we didn’t mind the heat, and we hunted and hunted and
+hunted; but after three or four hours I began to notice that three of my
+sailors were shrivelling up, and Conrad began to act as if he were daft.
+Hawkins burst right before my eyes.  Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic
+around the eyes and began to fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence
+about myself; and as for Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to
+take a nap in the sun, and when he waked up, his whole right side had
+evaporated.  Then we saw what the trouble was.  We’d struck this lava
+island, and were gradually succumbing to its intense heat.  We rushed
+madly back to the harbor to embark; and our ship, gentlemen, and your
+House-boat, was slowly but surely disappearing over the horizon, and
+flying from the flag-staff at the fore were signals of farewell, with an
+unfeeling P.S. below to this effect: ‘_Don’t wait up for us_.  _We may
+not be back until late_.’”
+
+There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to himself,
+while Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan wept silently.
+
+“That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know of the
+whereabouts of the House-boat,” continued Captain Kidd.  “I have no doubt
+that the ladies practised a deception, to our discomfiture, and I must
+say that I think it was exceedingly clever—granting that it was desirable
+to be rid of us, which I don’t, for we meant well by them, and they would
+have enjoyed themselves.”
+
+“But,” cried Hamlet, “may they not now be in peril?  They cannot navigate
+that ship.”
+
+“They got her out of the harbor all right,” said Kidd.  “And I judged
+from the figure at the helm that Mrs. Noah had taken charge.  What kind
+of a seaman she is I don’t know.”
+
+“Almighty bad,” ejaculated Shem, turning pale.  “It was she who ran us
+ashore on Ararat.”
+
+“Well, wasn’t that what you wanted?” queried Munchausen.
+
+“What we wanted!” cried Shem.  “Well, I guess not.  You don’t want your
+yacht stranded on a mountain-top, do you?  She was a dead loss there,
+whereas if mother hadn’t been in such a hurry to get ashore, we could
+have waited a month and landed on the seaboard.”
+
+“You might have turned her into a summer hotel,” suggested Munchausen.
+
+“Well, we must up anchor and away,” said Holmes.  “Our pursuit has merely
+begun, apparently.  We must overtake this vessel, and the question to be
+answered is—where?”
+
+“That’s easy,” said Artemus Ward.  “From what Shem says, I think we’d
+better look for her in the Himalayas.”
+
+“And, meanwhile, what shall be done with Kidd?” asked Holmes.
+
+“He ought to be expelled from the club,” said Johnson.
+
+“We can’t expel him, because he’s not a member,” replied Raleigh.
+
+“Then elect him,” suggested Ward.
+
+“What on earth for?” growled Johnson.
+
+“So that we can expel him,” said Ward.  And while Boswell’s hero was
+trying to get the value of this notion through his head, the others
+repaired to the deck, and the _Gehenna_ was soon under way once more.
+Meanwhile Captain Kidd and his fellows were put in irons and stowed away
+in the forecastle, alongside of the water-cask in which Shylock lay in
+hiding.
+
+
+
+
+XII
+THE ESCAPE AND THE END
+
+
+IF there was anxiety on board of the _Gehenna_ as to the condition and
+whereabouts of the House-boat, there was by no means less uneasiness upon
+that vessel itself.  Cleopatra’s scheme for ridding herself and her
+abducted sisters of the pirates had worked to a charm, but, having worked
+thus, a new and hitherto undreamed-of problem, full of perplexities
+bearing upon their immediate safety, now confronted them.  The sole
+representative of a seafaring family on board was Mrs. Noah, and it did
+not require much time to see that her knowledge as to navigation was of
+an extremely primitive order, limited indeed to the science of floating.
+
+When the last pirate had disappeared behind the rocks of Holmes Island,
+and all was in readiness for action, the good old lady, who had hitherto
+been as calm and unruffled as a child, began to get red in the face and
+to bustle about in a manner which betrayed considerable perturbation of
+spirit.
+
+“Now, Mrs. Noah,” said Cleopatra, as, peeping out from the billiard-room
+window, she saw Morgan disappearing in the distance, “the coast is clear,
+and I resign my position of chairman to you.  We place the vessel in your
+hands, and ourselves subject to your orders.  You are in command.  What
+do you wish us to do?”
+
+“Very well,” replied Mrs. Noah, putting down her knitting and starting
+for the deck.  “I’m not certain, but I think the first thing to do is to
+get her moving.  Do you know, I’ve never discovered whether this boat was
+a steamboat or a sailing-vessel?  Does anybody know?”
+
+“I think it has a naphtha tank and a propeller,” said Elizabeth,
+“although I don’t know.  It seems to me my brother Raleigh told me they’d
+had a naphtha engine put in last winter after the freshet, when the
+House-boat was carried ten miles down the river, and had to be towed back
+at enormous expense.  They put it in so that if she were carried away
+again she could get back of her own power.”
+
+“That’s unfortunate,” said Mrs. Noah, “because I don’t know anything
+about these new fangled notions.  If there’s any one here who knows
+anything about naphtha engines, I wish they’d speak.”
+
+“I’m of the opinion,” said Portia, “that I can study out the theory of it
+in a short while.”
+
+“Very well, then,” said Mrs. Noah, “you can do it.  I’ll appoint you
+engineer, and give you all your orders now, right away, in advance.  Set
+her going and keep her going, and don’t stop without a written order
+signed by me.  We might as well be very careful, and have everything done
+properly, and it might happen that in the excitement of our trip you
+would misunderstand my spoken orders and make a fatal error.  Therefore,
+pay no attention to unwritten orders.  That will do for you for the
+present.  Xanthippe, you may take Ophelia and Madame Récamier, and ten
+other ladies, and, every morning before breakfast, swab the larboard
+deck.  Cassandra, Tuesdays you will devote to polishing the brasses in
+the dining-room, and the balance of your time I wish you to expend in
+dusting the bric-a-brac.  Dido, you always were strong at building fires.
+I’ll make you chief stoker.  You will also assist Lucretia Borgia in the
+kitchen.  Inasmuch as the latter’s maid has neglected to supply her with
+the usual line of poisons, I think we can safely entrust to Lucretia’s
+hands the responsibilities of the culinary department.”
+
+“I’m perfectly willing to do anything I can,” said Lucretia, “but I must
+confess that I don’t approve of your methods of commanding a ship.  A
+ship’s captain isn’t a domestic martinet, as you are setting out to be.
+We didn’t appoint you housekeeper.”
+
+“Now, my child,” said Mrs. Noah, firmly, “I do not wish any words.  If I
+hear any more impudence from you, I’ll put you ashore without a
+reference; and the rest of you I would warn in all kindness that I will
+not tolerate insubordination.  You may, all of you, have one night of the
+week and alternate Sundays off, but your work must be done.  The regimen
+I am adopting is precisely that in vogue on the Ark, only I didn’t have
+the help I have now, and things got into very bad shape.  We were out
+forty days, and, while the food was poor and the service execrable, we
+never lost a life.”
+
+  [Picture: “Now, my child,” said Mrs. Noah, firmly, “I do not wish any
+                                 words”]
+
+The boat gave a slight tremor.
+
+“Hurrah!” cried Elizabeth, clapping her hands with glee, “we are off!”
+
+“I will repair to the deck and get our bearings,” said Mrs. Noah, putting
+her shawl over her shoulders.  “Meantime, Cleopatra, I appoint you first
+mate.  See that things are tidied up a bit here before I return.  Have
+the windows washed, and to-morrow I want all the rugs and carpets taken
+up and shaken.”
+
+Portia meanwhile had discovered the naphtha engine, and, after
+experimenting several times with the various levers and stop-cocks, had
+finally managed to move one of them in such a way as to set the engine
+going, and the wheel began to revolve.
+
+“Are we going all right?” she cried, from below.
+
+“I am afraid not,” said the gallant commander.  “The wheel is roiling up
+the water at a great rate, but we don’t seem to be going ahead very
+fast—in fact, we’re simply moving round and round as though we were on a
+pivot.”
+
+“I’m afraid we’re aground amidships,” said Xanthippe, gazing over the
+side of the House-boat anxiously.  “She certainly acts that way—like a
+merry-go-round.”
+
+“Well, there’s something wrong,” said Mrs. Noah; “and we’ve got to hurry
+and find out what it is, or those men will be back and we shall be as
+badly off as ever.”
+
+“Maybe this has something to do with it,” observed Mrs. Lot, pointing to
+the anchor rope.  “It looks to me as if those horrid men had tied us
+fast.”
+
+“That’s just what it is,” snapped Mrs. Noah.  “They guessed our plan, and
+have fastened us to a pole or something, but I imagine we can untie it.”
+
+Portia, who had come on deck, gave a short little laugh.
+
+“Why, of course we don’t move,” she said—“we are anchored!”
+
+“What’s that?” queried Mrs. Noah.  “We never had an experience like that
+on the Ark.”
+
+Portia explained the science of the anchor.
+
+“What nonsense!” ejaculated Mrs. Noah.  “How can we get away from it?”
+
+“We’ve got to pull it up,” said Portia.  “Order all hands on deck and
+have it pulled up.”
+
+“It can’t be done, and, if it could, I wouldn’t have it!” said Mrs. Noah,
+indignantly.  “The idea!  Lifting heavy pieces of iron, my dear Portia,
+is not a woman’s work.  Send for Delilah, and let her cut the rope with
+her scissors.”
+
+“It would take her a week to cut a hawser like that,” said Elizabeth, who
+had been investigating.  “It would be more to the purpose, I think, to
+chop it in two with an axe.”
+
+“Very well,” replied Mrs. Noah, satisfied.  “I don’t care how it is done
+as long as it is done quickly.  It would never do for us to be recaptured
+now.”
+
+The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried out, and the queen herself cut
+the hawser with six well-directed strokes of the axe.
+
+“You _are_ an expert with it, aren’t you?” smiled Cleopatra.
+
+“I am, indeed,” replied Elizabeth, grimly.  “I had it suspended over my
+head for so long a time before I got to the throne that I couldn’t help
+familiarizing myself with some of its possibilities.”
+
+“Ah!” cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel began to move.  “I begin to feel
+easier.  It looks now as if we were really off.”
+
+“It seems to me, though,” said Cleopatra, gazing forward, “that we are
+going backward.”
+
+“Oh, well, what if we are!” said Mrs. Noah.  “We did that on the Ark half
+the time.  It doesn’t make any difference which way we are going as long
+as we go, does it?”
+
+“Why, of course it does!” cried Elizabeth.  “What can you be thinking of?
+People who walk backward are in great danger of running into other
+people.  Why not the same with ships?  It seems to me, it’s a very
+dangerous piece of business, sailing backward.”
+
+“Oh, nonsense,” snapped Mrs. Noah.  “You are as timid as a zebra.  During
+the Flood, we sailed days and days and days, going backward.  It didn’t
+make a particle of difference how we went—it was as safe one way as
+another, and we got just as far away in the end.  Our main object now is
+to get away from the pirates, and that’s what we are doing.  Don’t get
+emotional, Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in charge.  If I think
+the boat ought to go sideways, sideways she shall go.  If you don’t like
+it, it is still not too late to put you ashore.”
+
+The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, and she was satisfied, and all went
+well with them, even if Portia had started the propeller revolving
+reverse fashion; so that the House-boat was, as Elizabeth had said,
+backing her way through the ocean.
+
+The day passed, and by slow degrees the island and the marooned pirates
+faded from view, and the night came on, and with it a dense fog.
+
+“We’re going to have a nasty night, I am afraid,” said Xanthippe, looking
+anxiously out of the port.
+
+“No doubt,” said Mrs. Noah, pleasantly.  “I’m sorry for those who have to
+be out in it.”
+
+“That’s what I was thinking about,” observed Xanthippe.  “It’s going to
+be very hard on us keeping watch.”
+
+“Watch for what?” demanded Mrs. Noah, looking over the tops of her
+glasses at Xanthippe.
+
+“Why, surely you are going to have lookouts stationed on deck?” said
+Elizabeth.
+
+“Not at all,” said Mrs. Noah.  “Perfectly absurd.  We never did it on the
+Ark, and it isn’t necessary now.  I want you all to go to bed at ten
+o’clock.  I don’t think the night air is good for you.  Besides, it isn’t
+proper for a woman to be out after dark, whether she’s new or not.”
+
+“But, my dear Mrs. Noah,” expostulated Cleopatra, “what will become of
+the ship?”
+
+“I guess she’ll float through the night whether we are on deck or not,”
+said the commander.  “The Ark did, why not this?  Now, girls, these
+new-fangled yachting notions are all nonsense.  It’s night, and there’s a
+fog as thick as a stone-wall all about us.  If there were a hundred of
+you upon deck with ten eyes apiece, you couldn’t see anything.  You might
+much better be in bed.  As your captain, chaperon, and grandmother, I
+command you to stay below.”
+
+“But—who is to steer?” queried Xanthippe.
+
+“What’s the use of steering until we can see where to steer to?” demanded
+Mrs. Noah.  “I certainly don’t intend to bother with that tiller until
+some reason for doing it arises.  We haven’t any place to steer to yet;
+we don’t know where we are going.  Now, my dear children, be reasonable,
+and don’t worry me.  I’ve had a very hard day of it, and I feel my
+responsibilities keenly.  Just let me manage, and we’ll come out all
+right.  I’ve had more experience than any of you, and if—”
+
+A terrible crash interrupted the old lady’s remarks.  The House-boat
+shivered and shook, careened way to one side, and as quickly righted and
+stood still.  A mad rush up the gangway followed, and in a moment a
+hundred and eighty-three pale-faced, trembling women stood upon the deck,
+gazing with horror at a great helpless hulk ten feet to the rear,
+fastened by broken ropes and odd pieces of rigging to the stern-posts of
+the House-boat, sinking slowly but surely into the sea.
+
+It was the _Gehenna_!
+
+          [Picture: A great helpless hulk ten feet to the rear]
+
+The House-boat had run her down and her last hour had come, but, thanks
+to the stanchness of her build and wonderful beam, the floating
+club-house had withstood the shock of the impact and now rode the waters
+as gracefully as ever.
+
+Portia was the first to realize the extent of the catastrophe, and in a
+short while chairs and life-preservers and tables—everything that could
+float—had been tossed into the sea to the struggling immortals therein.
+On board the _Gehenna_, those who had not cast themselves into the
+waters, under the cool direction of Holmes and Bonaparte, calmly lowered
+the boats, and in a short while were not only able to felicitate
+themselves upon their safety, but had likewise the good fortune to rescue
+their more impetuous brethren who had preferred to swim for it.
+Ultimately, all were brought aboard the House-boat in safety, and the men
+in Hades were once more reunited to their wives, daughters, sisters, and
+_fiancées_, and Elizabeth had the satisfaction of once more saving the
+life of Raleigh by throwing him her ruff as she had done a year or so
+previously, when she and her brother had been upset in the swift current
+of the river Styx.
+
+Order and happiness being restored, Holmes took command of the House-boat
+and soon navigated her safely back into her old-time berth.  The
+_Gehenna_ went to the bottom and was never seen again, and when the roll
+was called it was found that all who had set out upon her had returned in
+safety save Shylock, Kidd, Sir Henry Morgan, and Abeuchapeta; but even
+they were not lost, for, five weeks later, these four worthies were found
+early one morning drifting slowly up the river Styx, gazing anxiously out
+from the top of a water-cask and yelling lustily for help.
+
+And here endeth the chronicle of the pursuit of the good old House-boat.
+Back to her moorings, the even tenor of her ways was once more resumed,
+but with one slight difference.
+
+The ladies became eligible for membership, and, availing themselves of
+the privilege, began to think less and less of the advantages of being
+men and to rejoice that, after all, they were women; and even Xanthippe
+and Socrates, after that night of peril, reconciled their differences,
+and no longer quarrel as to which is the more entitled to wear the toga
+of authority.  It has become for them a divided skirt.
+
+As for Kidd and his fellows, they have never recovered from the effects
+of their fearful, though short, exile upon Holmes Island, and are but
+shadows of their former shades; whereas Mr. Sherlock Holmes has so
+endeared himself to his new-found friends that he is quite as popular
+with them as he is with us, who have yet to cross the dark river and be
+subjected to the scrutiny of the Committee on Membership at the
+House-boat on the Styx.
+
+Even Hawkshaw has been able to detect his genius.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                                 THE END
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+               PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED
+                       LONDON AND BECCLES, ENGLAND
+
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT***
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Pursuit of the House-Boat, by John
+Kendrick Bangs
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions 
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at 
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Pursuit of the House-Boat
+
+
+Author: John Kendrick Bangs
+
+
+
+Release Date: September 1, 2019  [eBook #3169]
+[This file was first posted on January 30, 2001]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT***
+</pre>
+<p>Transcribed from the 1919 Harper and Brothers edition by David
+Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/cover.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Book cover"
+title=
+"Book cover"
+ src="images/cover.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/fpb.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The Stranger drew forth a bundle of business cards"
+title=
+"The Stranger drew forth a bundle of business cards"
+ src="images/fps.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h1>THE PURSUIT OF THE<br />
+HOUSE-BOAT</h1>
+<p style="text-align: center"><i>BEING SOME FURTHER</i><br />
+<i>ACCOUNT OF THE DOINGS</i><br />
+<i>OF THE ASSOCIATED SHADES</i>,<br />
+<i>UNDER THE LEADERSHIP</i><br />
+<i>OF SHERLOCK HOLMES ESQ.</i></p>
+<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">BY</span><br
+/>
+JOHN KENDRICK BANGS<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">AUTHOR OF &ldquo;A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE
+STYX,&rdquo; ETC.</span></p>
+<p style="text-align: center">ILLUSTRATED</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/tpb.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Decorative graphic"
+title=
+"Decorative graphic"
+ src="images/tps.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p style="text-align: center">LONDON <span
+class="GutSmall">AND</span> NEW YORK<br />
+HARPER AND BROTHERS<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">45, ALBEMARLE STREET, W.</span><br />
+1919</p>
+
+<div class="gapspace">&nbsp;</div>
+<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">FOURTEENTH
+IMPRESSION</span></p>
+
+<div class="gapspace">&nbsp;</div>
+<h2><a name="pagev"></a><span class="pagenum">p.
+v</span>CONTENTS</h2>
+<table>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span
+class="GutSmall">CHAP.</span></p>
+</td>
+<td><p>&nbsp;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span
+class="GutSmall">PAGE</span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">I.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>The Associated Shades take Action</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page1">1</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">II.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>The Stranger Unravels a Mystery and Reveals Himself</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page19">19</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">III.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>The Search-Party is Organized</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page42">42</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">IV.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>On Board the House-Boat</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page58">58</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">V.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>A Conference on Deck</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page73">73</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">VI.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>A Conference Below-Stairs</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page89">89</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">VII.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>The &ldquo;Gehenna&rdquo; is Chartered</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page105">105</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">VIII.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>On Board the &ldquo;Gehenna&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page121">121</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">IX.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>Captain Kidd Meets with an Obstacle</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page139">139</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">X.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>A Warning Accepted</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page157">157</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">XI.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>Marooned</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page172">172</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">XII.</p>
+</td>
+<td><p>The Escape and the End</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page189">189</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<h2><a name="pagevii"></a><span class="pagenum">p.
+vii</span>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2>
+<table>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;The Stranger drew forth a bundle of business
+cards&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><i>Frontispiece</i></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;Dr. Johnson&rsquo;s point is well taken&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image8">8</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;What has all this got to do with the
+question?&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image10">10</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;Poor old Boswell was pushed overboard&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image22">22</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;Three rousing cheers, led by Hamlet, had been
+given&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page42">42</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;A black person by the name of Friday finds a
+bottle&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image54">54</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Madame R&eacute;camier has a plan</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image66">66</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The hard features of Captain Kidd were thrust through</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image70">70</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;Here&rsquo;s a kettle of fish!&rdquo; said Kidd</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image74">74</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;Every bloomin&rsquo; million was represented by a
+certified check, an&rsquo; payable in London&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image84">84</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Queen Elizabeth desires an axe and one hour of her olden
+power</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image90">90</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p><a name="pageviii"></a><span class="pagenum">p.
+viii</span>&ldquo;The committee on treachery is ready to
+report&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image102">102</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image108">108</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;In the dead of night he had stolen quietly up the
+gang-plank&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image118">118</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Shem in the lookout</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image128">128</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Judge Blackstone refuses to climb to the mizzentop</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image126">126</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Captain Kidd consents to be cross-examined by Portia</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image148">148</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Kidd&rsquo;s companions endeavouring to restore
+evaporating portions of his anatomy with a steam-atomizer</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image154">154</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;He told us we were going to Paris&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image160">160</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;You are a very clear-headed young woman,
+Lizzie,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image170">170</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;That ought to be a lesson to you&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image178">178</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;The pirates made a mad dash down the rough, rocky
+hill-side&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image180">180</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;Now, my child,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, firmly,
+&ldquo;I do not wish any words&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image192">192</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&ldquo;A great helpless hulk ten feet to the
+rear&rdquo;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="imageref"><a
+href="#image200">200</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<h2><a name="page1"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 1</span>I<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE
+ACTION</span></h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> House-boat of the Associated
+Shades, formerly located upon the River Styx, as the reader may
+possibly remember, had been torn from its moorings and navigated
+out into unknown seas by that vengeful pirate Captain Kidd, aided
+and abetted by some of the most ruffianly inhabitants of
+Hades.&nbsp; Like a thief in the night had they come, and for no
+better reason than that the Captain had been unanimously voted a
+shade too shady to associate with self-respecting spirits had
+they made off with the happy floating club-house of their
+betters; and worst of all, with them, by force of circumstances
+over which they had no control, had sailed also the fair Queen
+Elizabeth, the spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded
+and beautiful woman of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof
+were rendered desolate.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I can&rsquo;t stand it!&rdquo; cried Raleigh,
+desperately, as with his accustomed grace he presided over a
+special meeting of the club, called on the bank of the inky
+Stygian stream, at the point where the missing boat had been
+moored.&nbsp; &ldquo;Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of
+England, Calpurnia of Rome, Ophelia of Denmark, and every
+precious jewel in our social diadem gone, vanished completely;
+and with whom?&nbsp; Kidd, of all men in the universe!&nbsp;
+Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t take on so, my dear Sir Walter,&rdquo; said
+Socrates, cheerfully.&nbsp; &ldquo;What&rsquo;s the use of going
+into hysterics?&nbsp; You are not a woman, and should eschew that
+luxury.&nbsp; Xanthippe is with them, and I&rsquo;ll warrant you
+that when that cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the
+effects of the sea, say the third day out, Kidd and his crew will
+be walking the plank, and voluntarily at that.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But the House-boat itself,&rdquo; murmured Noah,
+sadly.&nbsp; &ldquo;That was my delight.&nbsp; It reminded me in
+some respects of the Ark.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The law of compensation enters in there, my dear
+Commodore,&rdquo; retorted Socrates.&nbsp; &ldquo;For me, with
+Xanthippe abroad I do not need a club to go to; I can stay at
+home and take my hemlock in peace and straight.&nbsp; Xanthippe
+always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of one quart of
+water to the finger.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, we didn&rsquo;t all marry Xanthippe,&rdquo; put
+in C&aelig;sar firmly, &ldquo;therefore we are not all satisfied
+with the situation.&nbsp; I, for one, quite agree with Sir Walter
+that something must be done, and quickly.&nbsp; Are we to sit
+here and do nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our wives with
+impunity?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not at all,&rdquo; interposed Bonaparte.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;The time for action has arrived.&nbsp; All things
+considered, he is welcome to Marie Louise, but the idea of
+Josephine going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my
+heart.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No question about it,&rdquo; observed Dr.
+Johnson.&nbsp; &ldquo;We&rsquo;ve got to do something if it is
+only for the sake of appearances.&nbsp; The question really is,
+what shall be done first?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and
+considering the matter of further action afterwards,&rdquo;
+suggested Shakespeare, and it was this suggestion that made the
+members unanimous upon the necessity for immediate action, for
+when the assembled spirits called for their various favorite
+beverages it was found that there were none to be had, it being
+Sunday, and all the establishments wherein liquid refreshments
+were licensed to be sold being closed&mdash;for at the time of
+writing the local government of Hades was in the hands of the
+reform party.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What!&rdquo; cried Socrates.&nbsp; &ldquo;Nothing but
+Styx water and vitriol, Sundays?&nbsp; Then the House-boat must
+be recovered whether Xanthippe comes with it or not.&nbsp; Sir
+Walter, I am for immediate action, after all.&nbsp; This ruffian
+should be captured at once and made an example of.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excuse me, Socrates,&rdquo; put in Lindley Murray,
+&ldquo;but, ah&mdash;pray speak in Greek hereafter, will you,
+please?&nbsp; When you attempt English you have a beastly way of
+working up to climatic prepositions which are offensive to the
+ear of a purist.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This is no time to discuss style, Murray,&rdquo;
+interposed Sir Walter.&nbsp; &ldquo;Socrates may speak and spell
+like Chaucer if he pleases; he may even part his infinitives in
+the middle, for all I care.&nbsp; We have affairs of greater
+moment in hand.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We must ransack the earth,&rdquo; cried Socrates,
+&ldquo;until we find that boat.&nbsp; I&rsquo;m dry as a
+fish.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There he goes again!&rdquo; growled Murray.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Dry as a fish!&nbsp; What fish, I&rsquo;d like to know, is
+dry?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Red herrings,&rdquo; retorted Socrates; and there was a
+great laugh at the expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet,
+who had grown more and more melancholy and morbid since the
+abduction of Ophelia, joined.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then it is settled,&rdquo; said Raleigh;
+&ldquo;something must be done.&nbsp; And now the point is,
+what?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Relief expeditions have a way of finding things,&rdquo;
+suggested Dr. Livingstone.&nbsp; &ldquo;Or rather of being found
+by the things they go out to relieve.&nbsp; I propose that we
+send out a number of them.&nbsp; I will take Africa; Bonaparte
+can lead an expedition into Europe; General Washington may have
+North America; and&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I beg pardon,&rdquo; put in Dr. Johnson, &ldquo;but
+have you any idea, Dr. Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put
+wheels on this House-boat of ours, and is having it dragged
+across the Sahara by mules or camels?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No such absurd idea ever entered my head,&rdquo;
+retorted the Doctor.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Do you, then, believe that he has put runners on it,
+and is engaged in the pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies
+tobogganing down the Alps?&rdquo; persisted the philosopher.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not at all.&nbsp; Why do you ask?&rdquo; queried the
+African explorer, irritably.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Because I wish to know,&rdquo; said Johnson.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;That is always my motive in asking questions.&nbsp; You
+propose to go looking for a house-boat in Central Africa; you
+suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in search of it through
+Europe&mdash;all of which strikes me as nonsense.&nbsp; This
+search is the work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers.&nbsp; You
+might as well ask Confucius to look for it in the heart of
+China.&nbsp; What earthly use there is in ransacking the earth I
+fail to see.&nbsp; What we need is a navel expedition to scour
+the sea, unless it is pretty well understood in advance that we
+believe Kidd has hauled the boat out of the water, and is now
+using it for a roller-skating rink or a bicycle academy in Ohio,
+or for some other purpose for which neither he nor it was
+designed.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image8" href="images/p8b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Dr. Johnson&rsquo;s point is well taken"
+title=
+"Dr. Johnson&rsquo;s point is well taken"
+ src="images/p8s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Dr. Johnson&rsquo;s point is well taken,&rdquo; said a
+stranger who had been sitting upon the string-piece of the pier,
+quietly, but with very evident interest, listening to the
+discussion.&nbsp; He was a tall and excessively slender shade,
+&ldquo;like a spirt of steam out of a teapot,&rdquo; as Johnson
+put it afterwards, so slight he seemed.&nbsp; &ldquo;I have not
+the honor of being a member of this association,&rdquo; the
+stranger continued, &ldquo;but, like all well-ordered shades, I
+aspire to the distinction, and I hold myself and my talents at
+the disposal of this club.&nbsp; I fancy it will not take us long
+to establish our initial point, which is that the gross person
+who has so foully appropriated your property to his own base uses
+does not contemplate removing it from its keel and placing it
+somewhere inland.&nbsp; All the evidence in hand points to a
+radically different conclusion, which is my sole reason for
+doubting the value of that conclusion.&nbsp; Captain Kidd is a
+seafarer by instinct, not a landsman.&nbsp; The House-boat is not
+a house, but a boat; therefore the place to look for it is not,
+as Dr. Johnson so well says, in the Sahara Desert, or on the
+Alps, or in the State of Ohio, but upon the high sea, or upon the
+waterfront of some one of the world&rsquo;s great
+cities.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And what, then, would be your plan?&rdquo; asked Sir
+Walter, impressed by the stranger&rsquo;s manner as well as by
+the very manifest reason in all that he had said.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and
+equipped for the purpose of pursuit.&nbsp; Ascertain whither the
+House-boat has sailed, for what port, and start at once.&nbsp;
+Have you a model of the House-boat within reach?&rdquo; returned
+the stranger.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think not; we have the architect&rsquo;s plans,
+however,&rdquo; said the chairman.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We had, Mr. Chairman,&rdquo; said Demosthenes, who was
+secretary of the House Committee, rising, &ldquo;but they are
+gone with the House-boat itself.&nbsp; They were kept in the safe
+in the hold.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s too bad,&rdquo; he said.&nbsp; &ldquo;It
+was a most important part of my plan that we should know about
+how fast the House-boat was.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Humph!&rdquo; ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed
+sarcasm.&nbsp; &ldquo;If you&rsquo;ll take Xanthippe&rsquo;s word
+for it, the House-boat was the fastest yacht afloat.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I refer to the matter of speed in sailing,&rdquo;
+returned the stranger, quietly.&nbsp; &ldquo;The question of its
+ethical speed has nothing to do with it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The designer of the craft is here,&rdquo; said Sir
+Walter, fixing his eyes upon Sir Christopher Wren.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;It is possible that he may be of assistance in settling
+that point.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image10" href="images/p10b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"What has all this got to do with the question"
+title=
+"What has all this got to do with the question"
+ src="images/p10s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow,
+Mr. Chairman?&rdquo; asked Solomon, rising impatiently and
+addressing Sir Walter.&nbsp; &ldquo;We aren&rsquo;t preparing for
+a yacht-race, that I know of.&nbsp; Nobody&rsquo;s after a cup,
+or a championship of any kind.&nbsp; What we do want is to get
+our wives back.&nbsp; The Captain hasn&rsquo;t taken more than
+half of mine along with him, but I am interested none the
+less.&nbsp; The Queen of Sheba is on board, and I am somewhat
+interested in her fate.&nbsp; So I ask you what earthly or
+unearthly use there is in discussing this question of speed in
+the House-boat.&nbsp; It strikes me as a woful waste of time, and
+rather unprecedented too, that we should suspend all rules and
+listen to the talk of an entire stranger.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon,&rdquo;
+said Johnson, dryly, &ldquo;but I must say that the
+gentleman&rsquo;s remarks rather interest me.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Of course they do,&rdquo; ejaculated Solomon.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;He agreed with you.&nbsp; That ought to make him
+interesting to everybody.&nbsp; Freaks usually are.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is not the reason at all,&rdquo; retorted Dr.
+Johnson.&nbsp; &ldquo;Cold water agrees with me, but it
+doesn&rsquo;t interest me.&nbsp; What I do think, however, is
+that our unknown friend seems to have a grasp on the situation by
+which we are confronted, and he&rsquo;s going at the matter in
+hand in a very comprehensive fashion.&nbsp; I move, therefore,
+that Solomon be laid on the table, and that the privileges of
+the&mdash;ah&mdash;of the wharf be extended indefinitely to our
+friend on the string-piece.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the
+stranger resumed.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King
+Solomon, whose wisdom I have always admired, and whose endurance
+as the husband of three hundred wives has filled me with
+wonder,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;that before starting in pursuit of
+the stolen vessel we must select a craft of some sort for the
+purpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is quite essential
+that we should choose a vessel of greater speed than the one we
+desire to overtake.&nbsp; It would hardly be proper, I think, if
+the House-boat can sail four knots an hour to attempt to overhaul
+her with a launch, or other nautical craft, with a maximum speed
+of two knots an hour.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hear! hear!&rdquo; ejaculated C&aelig;sar.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to
+the speed of your late club-house,&rdquo; said the stranger,
+bowing courteously to Solomon.&nbsp; &ldquo;Now, if Sir
+Christopher Wren can give me her measurements, we can very soon
+determine at about what rate she is leaving us behind under
+favorable circumstances.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&rsquo;Tisn&rsquo;t necessary for Sir Christopher to do
+anything of the sort,&rdquo; said Noah, rising and manifesting
+somewhat more heat than the occasion seemed to require.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;As long as we are discussing the question I will take the
+liberty of stating what I have never mentioned before, that the
+designer of the House-boat merely appropriated the lines of the
+Ark.&nbsp; Shem, Ham, and Japhet will bear testimony to the truth
+of that statement.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr.
+Chairman,&rdquo; assented Sir Christopher, with cutting
+frigidity.&nbsp; &ldquo;I am perfectly willing to admit that
+practically the two vessels were built on the same lines, but
+with modifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty
+miles to windward and back in six days&rsquo; less time than it
+would have taken the Ark to cover the same distance, and it could
+have taken all the wash of the excursion steamers into the
+bargain.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bosh!&rdquo; ejaculated Noah, angrily.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Strip your old tub down to a flying balloon-jib and a
+marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with elephants until every
+inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and she&rsquo;d
+outfoot you on every leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr.&nbsp; Give me
+the Ark and a breeze, and your House-boat wouldn&rsquo;t be
+within hailing distance of her five minutes after the start if
+she had 40,000 square yards of canvas spread before a
+gale.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This discussion is waxing very unprofitable,&rdquo;
+observed Confucius.&nbsp; &ldquo;If these gentlemen cannot be
+made to confine themselves to the subject that is agitating this
+body, I move we call in the authorities and have them confined in
+the bottomless pit.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I did not precipitate the quarrel,&rdquo; said
+Noah.&nbsp; &ldquo;I was merely trying to assist our friend on
+the string-piece.&nbsp; I was going to say that as the Ark was
+probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christopher
+Wren&rsquo;s&mdash;tub, which he himself says can take care of
+all the wash of the excursion boats, thereby becoming on his own
+admission a wash-tub&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Order! order!&rdquo; cried Sir Christopher.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I was going to say that this wash-tub could be
+overhauled by a launch or any other craft with a speed of thirty
+knots a mouth,&rdquo; continued Noah, ignoring the
+interruption.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!&rdquo;
+sneered Sir Christopher.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner,
+I&rsquo;ll admit,&rdquo; retorted Noah, &ldquo;if she&rsquo;d
+sprung a leak at the right time.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Granting the truth of Noah&rsquo;s statement,&rdquo;
+said Sir Walter, motioning to the angry architect to be
+quiet&mdash;&ldquo;not that we take any side in the issue between
+the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument&mdash;I
+wish to ask the stranger who has been good enough to interest
+himself in our trouble what he proposes to do&mdash;how can you
+establish your course in case a boat were provided?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?&rdquo; put in
+Shylock.</p>
+<p>A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The cost need not trouble you, sir,&rdquo; said Sir
+Walter, indignantly, addressing the stranger; &ldquo;you will
+have carte blanche.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Den ve are ruint!&rdquo; cried Shylock, displaying his
+palms, and showing by that act a select assortment of diamond
+rings.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh,&rdquo; laughed the stranger, &ldquo;that is a
+simple matter.&nbsp; Captain Kidd has gone to London.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;To London!&rdquo; cried several members at once.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;How do you know that?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By this,&rdquo; said the stranger, holding up the tiny
+stub end of a cigar.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Tut-tut!&rdquo; ejaculated Solomon.&nbsp; &ldquo;What
+child&rsquo;s play is this!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No, your Majesty,&rdquo; observed the stranger,
+&ldquo;it is not child&rsquo;s play; it is fact.&nbsp; That cigar
+end was thrown aside here on the wharf by Captain Kidd just
+before he stepped on board the House-boat.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How do you know that?&rdquo; demanded Raleigh.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;And granting the truth of the assertion, what does it
+prove?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I will tell you,&rdquo; said the stranger.&nbsp; And he
+at once proceeded as follows.</p>
+<h2><a name="page19"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 19</span>II<br
+/>
+<span class="GutSmall">THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND
+REVEALS HIMSELF</span></h2>
+<p>&ldquo;I <span class="smcap">have</span> made a hobby of the
+study of cigar ends,&rdquo; said the stranger, as the Associated
+Shades settled back to hear his account of himself.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;From my earliest youth, when I used surreptitiously to
+remove the unsmoked ends of my father&rsquo;s cigars and break
+them up, and, in hiding, smoke them in an old clay pipe which I
+had presented to me by an ancient sea-captain of my acquaintance,
+I have been interested in tobacco in all forms, even including
+these self-same despised unsmoked ends; for they convey to my
+mind messages, sentiments, farces, comedies, and tragedies which
+to your minds would never become manifest through their
+agency.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a
+more compact mass about the speaker.&nbsp; It was evident that
+they were beginning to feel an unusual interest in this
+extraordinary person, who had come among them unheralded and
+unknown.&nbsp; Even Shylock stopped calculating percentages for
+an instant to listen.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Do you mean to tell us,&rdquo; demanded Shakespeare,
+&ldquo;that the unsmoked stub of a cigar will suggest the story
+of him who smoked it to your mind?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I do,&rdquo; replied the stranger, with a confident
+smile.&nbsp; &ldquo;Take this one, for instance, that I have
+picked up here upon the wharf; it tells me the whole story of the
+intentions of Captain Kidd at the moment when, in utter disregard
+of your rights, he stepped aboard your House-boat, and, in his
+usual piratical fashion, made off with it into unknown
+seas.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But how do you know he smoked it?&rdquo; asked Solomon,
+who deemed it the part of wisdom to be suspicious of the
+stranger.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There are two curious indentations in it which prove
+that.&nbsp; The marks of two teeth, with a hiatus between, which
+you will see if you look closely,&rdquo; said the stranger,
+handing the small bit of tobacco to Sir Walter, &ldquo;make that
+point evident beyond peradventure.&nbsp; The Captain lost an
+eye-tooth in one of his later raids; it was knocked out by a
+marine-spike which had been hurled at him by one of the crew of
+the treasure-ship he and his followers had attacked.&nbsp; The
+adjacent teeth were broken, but not removed.&nbsp; The cigar end
+bears the marks of those two jagged molars, with the hiatus,
+which, as I have indicated, is due to the destruction of the
+eye-tooth between them.&nbsp; It is not likely that there was
+another man in the pirate&rsquo;s crew with teeth exactly like
+the commander&rsquo;s, therefore I say there can be no doubt that
+the cigar end was that of the Captain himself.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very interesting indeed,&rdquo; observed Blackstone,
+removing his wig and fanning himself with it; &ldquo;but I must
+confess, Mr. Chairman, that in any properly constituted law court
+this evidence would long since have been ruled out as irrelevant
+and absurd.&nbsp; The idea of two or three hundred dignified
+spirits like ourselves, gathered together to devise a means for
+the recovery of our property and the rescue of our wives,
+yielding the floor to the delivering of a lecture by an entire
+stranger on &lsquo;Cigar Ends He Has Met,&rsquo; strikes me as
+ridiculous in the extreme.&nbsp; Of what earthly interest is it
+to us to know that this or that cigar was smoked by Captain
+Kidd?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover
+the whereabouts of the said Kidd,&rdquo; interposed the
+stranger.&nbsp; &ldquo;It is by trifles, seeming trifles, that
+the greatest detective work is done.&nbsp; My friends Le Coq,
+Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth will bear me out in this, I think,
+however much in other respects our methods may have
+differed.&nbsp; They left no stone unturned in the pursuit of a
+criminal; no detail, however trifling, uncared for.&nbsp; No more
+should we in the present instance overlook the minutest bit of
+evidence, however irrelevant and absurd at first blush it may
+appear to be.&nbsp; The truth of what I say was very effectually
+proven in the strange case of the Brokedale tiara, in which I
+figured somewhat conspicuously, but which have never made public,
+because it involves a secret affecting the integrity of one of
+the noblest families in the British Empire.&nbsp; I really
+believe that mystery was solved easily and at once because I
+happened to remember that the number of my watch was
+86507B.&nbsp; How trivial and yet how important it was, to what
+then transpired, you will realize when I tell you the
+incident.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image22" href="images/p22b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Poor old Boswell was pushed overboard"
+title=
+"Poor old Boswell was pushed overboard"
+ src="images/p22s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>The stranger&rsquo;s manner was so impressive that there was a
+unanimous and simultaneous movement upon the part of all present
+to get up closer, so as the more readily to hear what he said, as
+a result of which poor old Boswell was pushed overboard, and
+fell, with a loud splash into the Styx.&nbsp; Fortunately,
+however, one of Charon&rsquo;s pleasure-boats was close at hand,
+and in a short while the dripping, sputtering spirit was drawn
+into it, wrung out, and sent home to dry.&nbsp; The excitement
+attending this diversion having subsided, Solomon asked:</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What was the incident of the lost tiara?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am about to tell you,&rdquo; returned the stranger;
+&ldquo;and it must be understood that you are told in the
+strictest confidence, for, as I say, the incident involves a
+state secret of great magnitude.&nbsp; In life&mdash;in the
+mortal life&mdash;gentlemen, I was a detective by profession,
+and, if I do say it, who perhaps should not, I was one of the
+most interesting for purely literary purposes that has ever been
+known.&nbsp; I did not find it necessary to go about saying
+&lsquo;Ha! ha!&rsquo; as M. Le Coq was accustomed to do to
+advertise his cleverness; neither did I disguise myself as a
+drum-major and hide under a kitchen-table for the purpose of
+solving a mystery involving the abduction of a parlor stove,
+after the manner of the talented Hawkshaw.&nbsp; By mental
+concentration alone, without fireworks or orchestral
+accompaniment of any sort whatsoever, did I go about my business,
+and for that very reason many of my fellow-sleuths were forced to
+go out of real detective work into that line of the business with
+which the stage has familiarized the most of us&mdash;a line in
+which nothing but stupidity, luck, and a yellow wig is required
+of him who pursues it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This man is an impostor,&rdquo; whispered Le Coq to
+Hawkshaw.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve known that all along by the mole on his left
+wrist,&rdquo; returned Hawkshaw, contemptuously.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I suspected it the minute I saw he was not
+disguised,&rdquo; returned Le Coq, knowingly.&nbsp; &ldquo;I have
+observed that the greatest villains latterly have discarded
+disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and therefore of no
+avail, and merely a useless expense.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Silence!&rdquo; cried Confucius, impatiently.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;How can the gentleman proceed, with all this conversation
+going on in the rear?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately subsided, and the stranger
+went on.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It was in this way that I treated the strange case of
+the lost tiara,&rdquo; resumed the stranger.&nbsp; &ldquo;Mental
+concentration upon seemingly insignificant details alone enabled
+me to bring about the desired results in that instance.&nbsp; A
+brief outline of the case is as follows: It was late one evening
+in the early spring of 1894.&nbsp; The London season was at its
+height.&nbsp; Dances, f&ecirc;tes of all kinds, opera, and the
+theatres were in full blast, when all of a sudden society was
+paralyzed by a most audacious robbery.&nbsp; A diamond tiara
+valued at &pound;50,000 sterling had been stolen from the Duchess
+of Brokedale, and under circumstances which threw society itself
+and every individual in it under suspicion&mdash;even his Royal
+Highness the Prince himself, for he had danced frequently with
+the Duchess, and was known to be a great admirer of her
+tiara.&nbsp; It was at half-past eleven o&rsquo;clock at night
+that the news of the robbery first came to my ears.&nbsp; I had
+been spending the evening alone in my library making notes for a
+second volume of my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, I
+was on the point of going out for my usual midnight walk on
+Hampstead Heath, when one of my servants, hastily entering,
+informed me of the robbery.&nbsp; I changed my mind in respect to
+my midnight walk immediately upon receipt of the news, for I knew
+that before one o&rsquo;clock some one would call upon me at my
+lodgings with reference to this robbery.&nbsp; It could not be
+otherwise.&nbsp; Any mystery of such magnitude could no more be
+taken to another bureau than elephants could
+fly&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They used to,&rdquo; said Adam.&nbsp; &ldquo;I once had
+a whole aviary full of winged elephants.&nbsp; They flew from
+flower to flower, and thrusting their probabilities deep
+into&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Their what?&rdquo; queried Johnson, with a frown.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Probabilities&mdash;isn&rsquo;t that the word?&nbsp;
+Their trunks,&rdquo; said Adam.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Probosces, I imagine you mean,&rdquo; suggested
+Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes&mdash;that was it.&nbsp; Their probosces,&rdquo;
+said Adam.&nbsp; &ldquo;They were great honey-gatherers, those
+elephants&mdash;far better than the bees, because they could make
+so much more of it in a given time.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Munchausen shook his head sadly.&nbsp; &ldquo;I&rsquo;m afraid
+I&rsquo;m outclassed by these antediluvians,&rdquo; he said.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Gentlemen! gentlemen!&rdquo; cried Sir Walter.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;These interruptions are inexcusable!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what I think,&rdquo; said the stranger,
+with some asperity.&nbsp; &ldquo;I&rsquo;m having about as hard a
+time getting this story out as I would if it were a serial.&nbsp;
+Of course, if you gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I can stop;
+but it must be understood that when I do stop I stop finally,
+once and for all, because the tale has not a sufficiency of
+dramatic climaxes to warrant its prolongation over the usual
+magazine period of twelve months.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Go on! go on!&rdquo; cried some.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Shut up!&rdquo; cried others&mdash;addressing the
+interrupting members, of course.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;As I was saying,&rdquo; resumed the stranger, &ldquo;I
+felt confident that within an hour, in some way or other, that
+case would be placed in my hands.&nbsp; It would be mine either
+positively or negatively&mdash;that is to say, either the person
+robbed would employ me to ferret out the mystery and recover the
+diamonds, or the robber himself, actuated by motives of
+self-preservation, would endeavor to direct my energies into
+other channels until he should have the time to dispose of his
+ill-gotten booty.&nbsp; A mental discussion of the probabilities
+inclined me to believe that the latter would be the case.&nbsp; I
+reasoned in this fashion: The person robbed is of exalted
+rank.&nbsp; She cannot move rapidly because she is so.&nbsp;
+Great bodies move slowly.&nbsp; It is probable that it will be a
+week before, according to the etiquette by which she is hedged
+about, she can communicate with me.&nbsp; In the first place, she
+must inform one of her attendants that she has been robbed.&nbsp;
+He must communicate the news to the functionary in charge of her
+residence, who will communicate with the Home Secretary, and from
+him will issue the orders to the police, who, baffled at every
+step, will finally address themselves to me.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;I&rsquo;ll give that side two weeks,&rsquo; I said.&nbsp;
+On the other hand, the robber: will he allow himself to be lulled
+into a false sense of security by counting on this delay, or will
+he not, noting my habit of occasionally entering upon detective
+enterprises of this nature of my own volition, come to me at once
+and set me to work ferreting out some crime that has never been
+committed?&nbsp; My feeling was that this would happen, and I
+pulled out my watch to see if it were not nearly time for him to
+arrive.&nbsp; The robbery had taken place at a state ball at the
+Buckingham Palace.&nbsp; &lsquo;H&rsquo;m!&rsquo; I mused.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;He has had an hour and forty minutes to get here.&nbsp; It
+is now twelve-twenty.&nbsp; He should be here by
+twelve-forty-five.&nbsp; I will wait.&rsquo;&nbsp; And hastily
+swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself up for the meeting, I
+sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer.&nbsp; Hardly had I
+perused a page when there came a tap upon my door.&nbsp; I rose
+with a smile, for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened the
+door, and there stood, much to my surprise, the husband of the
+lady whose tiara was missing.&nbsp; It was the Duke of Brokedale
+himself.&nbsp; It is true he was disguised.&nbsp; His beard was
+powdered until it looked like snow, and he wore a wig and a pair
+of green goggles; but I recognized him at once by his lack of
+manners, which is an unmistakable sign of nobility.&nbsp; As I
+opened the door, he began:</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;You are Mr. &mdash;&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I am,&rsquo; I replied.&nbsp; &lsquo;Come
+in.&nbsp; You have come to see me about your stolen watch.&nbsp;
+It is a gold hunting-case watch with a Swiss movement; loses five
+minutes a day; stem-winder; and the back cover, which does not
+bear any inscription, has upon it the indentations made by the
+molars of your son Willie when that interesting youth was cutting
+his teeth upon it.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Wonderful!&rdquo; cried Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;May I ask how you knew all that?&rdquo; asked Solomon,
+deeply impressed.&nbsp; &ldquo;Such penetration strikes me as
+marvellous.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t know it,&rdquo; replied the stranger,
+with a smile.&nbsp; &ldquo;What I said was intended to be
+jocular, and to put Brokedale at his ease.&nbsp; The Americans
+present, with their usual astuteness, would term it bluff.&nbsp;
+It was.&nbsp; I merely rattled on.&nbsp; I simply did not wish to
+offend the gentleman by letting him know that I had penetrated
+his disguise.&nbsp; Imagine my surprise, however, when his eye
+brightened as I spoke, and he entered my room with such alacrity
+that half the powder which he thought disguised his beard was
+shaken off on to the floor.&nbsp; Sitting down in the chair I had
+just vacated, he quietly remarked:</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;You are a wonderful man, sir.&nbsp; How did you
+know that I had lost my watch?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;For a moment I was nonplussed; more than that, I was
+completely staggered.&nbsp; I had expected him to say at once
+that he had not lost his watch, but had come to see me about the
+tiara; and to have him take my words seriously was entirely
+unexpected and overwhelmingly surprising.&nbsp; However, in view
+of his rank, I deemed it well to fall in with his humour.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Oh, as for that,&rsquo; I replied, &lsquo;that is a part
+of my business.&nbsp; It is the detective&rsquo;s place to know
+everything; and generally, if he reveals the machinery by means
+of which he reaches his conclusions, he is a fool, since his
+method is his secret, and his secret his stock-in-trade.&nbsp; I
+do not mind telling you, however, that I knew your watch was
+stolen by your anxious glance at my clock, which showed that you
+wished to know the time.&nbsp; Now most rich Americans have
+watches for that purpose, and have no hesitation about showing
+them.&nbsp; If you&rsquo;d had a watch, you&rsquo;d have looked
+at it, not at my clock.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;My visitor laughed, and repeated what he had said about
+my being a wonderful man.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;And the dents which my son made cutting his
+teeth?&rsquo; he added.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Invariably go with an American&rsquo;s
+watch.&nbsp; Rubber or ivory rings aren&rsquo;t good enough for
+American babies to chew on,&rsquo; said I.&nbsp; &lsquo;They must
+have gold watches or nothing.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;And finally, how did you know I was a rich
+American?&rsquo; he asked.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Because no other can afford to stop at hotels
+like the Savoy in the height of the season,&rsquo; I replied,
+thinking that the jest would end there, and that he would now
+reveal his identity and speak of the tiara.&nbsp; To my surprise,
+however, he did nothing of the sort.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;You have an almost supernatural gift,&rsquo; he
+said.&nbsp; &lsquo;My name is Bunker.&nbsp; I am stopping at the
+Savoy.&nbsp; I <i>am</i> an American.&nbsp; I <i>was</i> rich
+when I arrived here, but I&rsquo;m not quite so bloated with
+wealth as I was, now that I have paid my first week&rsquo;s
+bill.&nbsp; I <i>have</i> lost my watch; such a watch, too, as
+you describe, even to the dents.&nbsp; Your only mistake was that
+the dents were made by my son John, and not Willie; but even
+there I cannot but wonder at you, for John and Willie are twins,
+and so much alike that it sometimes baffles even their mother to
+tell them apart.&nbsp; The watch has no very great value
+intrinsically, but the associations are such that I want it back,
+and I will pay &pound;200 for its recovery.&nbsp; I have no clew
+as to who took it.&nbsp; It was numbered&mdash;&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Here a happy thought struck me.&nbsp; In all my
+description of the watch I had merely described my own, a very
+cheap affair which I had won at a raffle.&nbsp; My visitor was
+deceiving me, though for what purpose I did not on the instant
+divine.&nbsp; No one would like to suspect him of having
+purloined his wife&rsquo;s tiara.&nbsp; Why should I not deceive
+him, and at the same time get rid of my poor chronometer for a
+sum that exceeded its value a hundredfold?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Good business!&rdquo; cried Shylock.</p>
+<p>The stranger smiled and bowed.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excellent,&rdquo; he said.&nbsp; &ldquo;I took the
+words right out of his mouth.&nbsp; &lsquo;It was numbered
+86507B!&rsquo; I cried, giving, of course, the number of my own
+watch.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He gazed at me narrowly for a moment, and then he
+smiled.&nbsp; &lsquo;You grow more marvellous at every
+step.&nbsp; That was indeed the number.&nbsp; Are you a
+demon?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;No,&rsquo; I replied.&nbsp; &lsquo;Only
+something of a mind-reader.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, to be brief, the bargain was struck.&nbsp; I was
+to look for a watch that I knew he hadn&rsquo;t lost, and was to
+receive &pound;200 if I found it.&nbsp; It seemed to him to be a
+very good bargain, as, indeed, it was, from his point of view,
+feeling, as he did, that there never having been any such watch,
+it could not be recovered, and little suspecting that two could
+play at his little game of deception, and that under any
+circumstances I could foist a ten-shilling watch upon him for two
+hundred pounds.&nbsp; This business concluded, he started to
+go.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Won&rsquo;t you have a little Scotch?&rsquo; I
+asked, as he started, feeling, with all that prospective profit
+in view, I could well afford the expense.&nbsp; &lsquo;It is a
+stormy night.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Thanks, I will,&rsquo; said he, returning and
+seating himself by my table&mdash;still, to my surprise, keeping
+his hat on.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Let me take your hat,&rsquo; I said, little
+thinking that my courtesy would reveal the true state of
+affairs.&nbsp; The mere mention of the word hat brought about a
+terrible change in my visitor; his knees trembled, his face grew
+ghastly, and he clutched the brim of his beaver until it
+cracked.&nbsp; He then nervously removed it, and I noticed a dull
+red mark running about his forehead, just as there would be on
+the forehead of a man whose hat fitted too tightly; and that
+mark, gentlemen, had the undulating outline of nothing more nor
+less than a tiara, and on the apex of the uttermost extremity was
+a deep indentation about the size of a shilling, that could have
+been made only by some adamantine substance!&nbsp; The mystery
+was solved!&nbsp; The robber of the Duchess of Brokedale stood
+before me.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A suppressed murmur of excitement went through the assembled
+spirits, and even Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le Coq were silent in the
+presence of such genius.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;My plan of action was immediately formulated.&nbsp; The
+man was completely at my mercy.&nbsp; He had stolen the tiara,
+and had it concealed in the lining of his hat.&nbsp; I rose and
+locked the door.&nbsp; My visitor sank with a groan into my
+chair.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Why did you do that?&rsquo; he stammered, as I
+turned the key in the lock.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;To keep my Scotch whiskey from
+evaporating,&rsquo; I said, dryly.&nbsp; &lsquo;Now, my
+lord,&rsquo; I added, &lsquo;it will pay your Grace to let me
+have your hat.&nbsp; I know who you are.&nbsp; You are the Duke
+of Brokedale.&nbsp; The Duchess of Brokedale has lost a valuable
+tiara of diamonds, and you have not lost your watch.&nbsp;
+Somebody has stolen the diamonds, and it may be that somewhere
+there is a Bunker who has lost such a watch as I have
+described.&nbsp; The queer part of it all is,&rsquo; I continued,
+handing him the decanter, and taking a couple of loaded
+six-shooters out of my escritoire&mdash;&lsquo;the queer part of
+it all is that I have the watch and you have the tiara.&nbsp;
+We&rsquo;ll swap the swag.&nbsp; Hand over the bauble,
+please.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;But&mdash;&rsquo; he began.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;We won&rsquo;t have any butting, your
+Grace,&rsquo; said I.&nbsp; &lsquo;I&rsquo;ll give you the watch,
+and you needn&rsquo;t mind the &pound;200; and you must give me
+the tiara, or I&rsquo;ll accompany you forthwith to the police,
+and have a search made of your hat.&nbsp; It won&rsquo;t pay you
+to defy me.&nbsp; Give it up.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He gave up the hat at once, and, as I suspected, there
+lay the tiara, snugly stowed away behind the head-band.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;You are a great fellow,&rsquo; said I, as I held
+the tiara up to the light and watched with pleasure the flashing
+brilliance of its gems.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I beg you&rsquo;ll not expose me,&rsquo; he
+moaned.&nbsp; &lsquo;I was driven to it by necessity.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Not I,&rsquo; I replied.&nbsp; &lsquo;As long as
+you play fair it will be all right.&nbsp; I&rsquo;m not going to
+keep this thing.&nbsp; I&rsquo;m not married, and so have no use
+for such a trifle; but what I do intend is simply to wait until
+your wife retains me to find it, and then I&rsquo;ll find it and
+get the reward.&nbsp; If you keep perfectly still, I&rsquo;ll
+have it found in such a fashion that you&rsquo;ll never be
+suspected.&nbsp; If, on the other hand, you say a word about
+to-night&rsquo;s events, I&rsquo;ll hand you over to the
+police.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Humph!&rsquo; he said.&nbsp; &lsquo;You
+couldn&rsquo;t prove a case against me.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I can prove any case against anybody,&rsquo; I
+retorted.&nbsp; &lsquo;If you don&rsquo;t believe it, read my
+book,&rsquo; I added, and I handed him a copy of my memoirs.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I&rsquo;ve read it,&rsquo; he answered,
+&lsquo;and I ought to have known better than to come here.&nbsp;
+I thought you were only a literary success.&rsquo;&nbsp; And with
+a deep-drawn sigh he took the watch and went out.&nbsp; Ten days
+later I was retained by the Duchess, and after a pretended search
+of ten days more I found the tiara, restored it to the noble
+lady, and received the &pound;5000 reward.&nbsp; The Duke kept
+perfectly quiet about our little encounter, and afterwards we
+became stanch friends; for he was a good fellow, and was driven
+to his desperate deed only by the demands of his creditors, and
+the following Christmas he sent me the watch I had given him,
+with the best wishes of the season.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, by quick wit and a
+mental concentration of no mean order, combined with strict
+observance of the pettiest details, I ferreted out what bade fair
+to become a great diamond mystery; and when I say that this cigar
+end proves certain things to my mind, it does not become you to
+doubt the value of my conclusions.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hear! hear!&rdquo; cried Raleigh, growing tumultuous
+with enthusiasm.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Your name? your name?&rdquo; came from all parts of the
+wharf.</p>
+<p>The stranger, putting his hand into the folds of his coat,
+drew forth a bundle of business cards, which he tossed, as the
+prestidigitator tosses playing-cards, out among the audience, and
+on each of them was found printed the words:</p>
+<table>
+<tr>
+<td><blockquote><p style="text-align: center">SHERLOCK
+HOLMES,</p>
+<p style="text-align: center"><span
+class="GutSmall">DETECTIVE.</span></p>
+<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">Ferreting Done
+Here</span>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p style="text-align: center"><i>Plots for Sale</i>.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>&ldquo;I think he made a mistake in not taking the &pound;200
+for the watch.&nbsp; Such carelessness destroys my confidence in
+him,&rdquo; said Shylock, who was the first to recover from the
+surprise of the revelation.</p>
+<h2><a name="page42"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 42</span>III<br
+/>
+<span class="GutSmall">THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED</span></h2>
+<p>&ldquo;<span class="smcap">Well</span>, Mr. Holmes,&rdquo;
+said Sir Walter Raleigh, after three rousing cheers, led by
+Hamlet, had been given with a will by the assembled spirits,
+&ldquo;after this demonstration in your honor I think it is
+hardly necessary for me to assure you of our hearty co-operation
+in anything you may venture to suggest.&nbsp; There is still
+manifest, however, some desire on the part of the ever-wise King
+Solomon and my friend Confucius to know how you deduce that Kidd
+has sailed for London, from the cigar end which you hold in your
+hand.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p42b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Three rousing cheers, led by Hamlet, had been given"
+title=
+"Three rousing cheers, led by Hamlet, had been given"
+ src="images/p42s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;I can easily satisfy their curiosity,&rdquo; said
+Sherlock Holmes, genially.&nbsp; &ldquo;I believe I have already
+proven that it is the end of Kidd&rsquo;s cigar.&nbsp; The marks
+of the teeth have shown that.&nbsp; Now observe how closely it is
+smoked&mdash;there is barely enough of it left for one to insert
+between his teeth.&nbsp; Now Captain Kidd would hardly have
+risked the edges of his mustache and the comfort of his lips by
+smoking a cigar down to the very light if he had had another; nor
+would he under any circumstances have smoked it that far unless
+he were passionately addicted to this particular brand of the
+weed.&nbsp; Therefore I say to you, first, this was his cigar;
+second, it was the last one he had; third, he is a confirmed
+smoker.&nbsp; The result, he has gone to the one place in the
+world where these Connecticut hand-rolled Havana cigars&mdash;for
+I recognize this as one of them&mdash;have a real popularity, and
+are therefore more certainly obtainable, and that is at
+London.&nbsp; You cannot get so vile a cigar as that outside of a
+London hotel.&nbsp; If I could have seen a quarter-inch more of
+it, I should have been able definitely to locate the hotel
+itself.&nbsp; The wrappers unroll to a degree that varies
+perceptibly as between the different hotels.&nbsp; The Fortuna
+cigar can be smoked a quarter through before its wrapper gives
+way; the Felix wrapper goes as soon as you light the cigar;
+whereas the River, fronting on the Thames, is surrounded by a
+moister atmosphere than the others, and, as a consequence, the
+wrapper will hold really until most people are willing to throw
+the whole thing away.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is really a wonderful art!&rdquo; said Solomon.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The making of a Connecticut Havana cigar?&rdquo;
+laughed Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;Not at all.&nbsp; Give me a head of
+lettuce and a straw, and I&rsquo;ll make you a box.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I referred to your art&mdash;that of detection,&rdquo;
+said Solomon.&nbsp; &ldquo;Your logic is perfect; step by step we
+have been led to the irresistible conclusion that Kidd has made
+for London, and can be found at one of these hotels.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And only until next Tuesday, when he will take a house
+in the neighborhood of Scotland Yard,&rdquo; put in Holmes,
+quickly, observing a sneer on Hawkshaw&rsquo;s lips, and
+hastening to overwhelm him by further evidence of his
+ingenuity.&nbsp; &ldquo;When he gets his bill he will open his
+piratical eyes so wide that he will be seized with jealousy to
+think of how much more refined his profession has become since he
+left it, and out of mere pique he will leave the hotel, and, to
+show himself still cleverer than his modern prototypes, he will
+leave his account unpaid, with the result that the affair will be
+put in the hands of the police, under which circumstances a house
+in the immediate vicinity of the famous police headquarters will
+be the safest hiding-place he can find, as was instanced by the
+remarkable case of the famous Penstock bond robbery.&nbsp; A
+certain churchwarden named Hinkley, having been appointed cashier
+thereof, robbed the Penstock Imperial Bank of &pound;1,000,000 in
+bonds, and, fleeing to London, actually joined the detective
+force at Scotland Yard, and was detailed to find himself, which
+of course he never did, nor would he ever have been found had he
+not crossed my path.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into space, and Le Coq muttered
+profane words under his breath.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We&rsquo;re not in the same class with this fellow,
+Hawkshaw,&rdquo; said Le Coq.&nbsp; &ldquo;You could tap your
+forehead knowingly eight hours a day through all eternity with a
+sledge-hammer without loosening an idea like that.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nevertheless I&rsquo;ll confound him yet,&rdquo;
+growled the jealous detective.&nbsp; &ldquo;I shall myself go to
+London, and, disguised as Captain Kidd, will lead this visionary
+on until he comes there to arrest me, and when these club members
+discover that it is Hawkshaw and not Kidd he has run to earth,
+we&rsquo;ll have a great laugh on Sherlock Holmes.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am anxious to hear how you solved the bond-robbery
+mystery,&rdquo; said Socrates, wrapping his toga closely about
+him and settling back against one of the spiles of the wharf.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So are we all,&rdquo; said Sir Walter.&nbsp; &ldquo;But
+meantime the House-boat is getting farther away.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not unless she&rsquo;s sailing backwards,&rdquo;
+sneered Noah, who was still nursing his resentment against Sir
+Christopher Wren for his reflections upon the speed of the
+Ark.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s the hurry?&rdquo; asked Socrates.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;I believe in making haste slowly; and on the admission of
+our two eminent naval architects, Sir Christopher and Noah,
+neither of their vessels can travel more than a mile a week, and
+if we charter the <i>Flying Dutchman</i> to go in pursuit of her
+we can catch her before she gets out of the Styx into the
+Atlantic.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Jonah might lend us his whale, if the beast is in
+commission,&rdquo; suggested Munchausen, dryly.&nbsp; &ldquo;I
+for one would rather take a state-room in Jonah&rsquo;s whale
+than go aboard the <i>Flying Dutchman</i> again.&nbsp; I made one
+trip on the <i>Dutchman</i>, and she&rsquo;s worse than a dory
+for comfort; further&mdash;I don&rsquo;t see what good it would
+do us to charter a boat that can&rsquo;t land oftener than once
+in seven years, and spends most of her time trying to double the
+Cape of Good Hope.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;My whale is in commission,&rdquo; said Jonah, with
+dignity.&nbsp; &ldquo;But Baron Munchausen need not consider the
+question of taking a state-room aboard of her.&nbsp; She
+doesn&rsquo;t carry second-class passengers.&nbsp; And if I took
+any stock in the idea of a trip on the <i>Flying Dutchman</i>
+amounting to a seven years&rsquo; exile, I would cheerfully pay
+the Baron&rsquo;s expenses for a round trip.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We are losing time, gentlemen,&rdquo; suggested
+Sherlock Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;This is a moment, I think, when you
+should lay aside personal differences and personal preferences
+for immediate action.&nbsp; I have examined the wake of the
+House-boat, and I judge from the condition of what, for want of a
+better term, I may call the suds, when she left us the House-boat
+was making ten knots a day.&nbsp; Almost any craft we can find
+suitably manned ought to be able to do better than that; and if
+you could summon Charon and ascertain what boats he has at hand,
+it would be for the good of all concerned.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s a good plan,&rdquo; said Johnson.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Boswell, see if you can find Charon.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am here already, sir,&rdquo; returned the ferryman,
+rising.&nbsp; &ldquo;Most of my boats have gone into winter
+quarters, your Honor.&nbsp; The <i>Mayflower</i> went into dry
+dock last week to be calked up; the <i>Pinta</i> and the <i>Santa
+Maria</i> are slow and cranky; the <i>Monitor</i> and the
+<i>Merrimac</i> I haven&rsquo;t really had time to patch up; and
+the <i>Valkyrie</i> is two months overdue.&nbsp; I cannot make up
+my mind whether she is lost or kept back by excursion
+steamers.&nbsp; Hence I really don&rsquo;t know what I can lend
+you.&nbsp; Any of these boat I have named you could have had for
+nothing; but my others are actively employed, and I
+couldn&rsquo;t let them go without a serious interference with my
+business.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the
+opposite shore.&nbsp; It was quite evident that he realized what
+a dreadful expense the club was about to be put to, and while of
+course there would be profit in it for him, he was sincerely
+sorry for them.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I repeat,&rdquo; he added, &ldquo;those boats you could
+have had for nothing, but the others I&rsquo;d have to charge you
+for, though of course I&rsquo;ll give you a discount.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that
+discount should be an eighth or one-quarter of one per cent.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The <i>Flying Dutchman</i>,&rdquo; he pursued,
+&ldquo;ain&rsquo;t no good for your purposes.&nbsp; She&rsquo;s
+too fast.&nbsp; She&rsquo;s built to fly by, not to stop.&nbsp;
+You&rsquo;d catch up with the House-boat in a minute with her,
+but you&rsquo;d go right on and disappear like a visionary; and
+as for the Ark, she&rsquo;d never do&mdash;with all respect to
+Mr. Noah.&nbsp; She&rsquo;s just about as suitable as any other
+waterlogged cattle-steamer&rsquo;d be, and no
+more&mdash;first-rate for elephants and kangaroos, but no good
+for cruiser-work, and so slow she wouldn&rsquo;t make a ripple
+high enough to drown a gnat going at the top of her speed.&nbsp;
+Furthermore, she&rsquo;s got a great big hole in her bottom,
+where she was stove in by running afoul of&mdash;Mount
+Arrus-root, I believe it was called when Captain Noah went
+cruising with that menagerie of his.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s an unmitigated falsehood!&rdquo; cried
+Noah, angrily.&nbsp; &ldquo;This man talks like a professional
+amateur yachtsman.&nbsp; He has no regard for facts, but simply
+goes ahead and makes statements with an utter disregard of the
+truth.&nbsp; The Ark was not stove in.&nbsp; We beached her very
+successfully.&nbsp; I say this in defence of my seamanship, which
+was top-notch for my day.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Couldn&rsquo;t sail six weeks without fouling a
+mountain-peak!&rdquo; sneered Wren, perceiving a chance to get
+even.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The hole&rsquo;s there, just the same,&rdquo; said
+Charon.&nbsp; &ldquo;Maybe she was a centreboard, sad
+that&rsquo;s where you kept the board.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The hole is there because it was worn there by one of
+the elephants,&rdquo; retorted Noah.&nbsp; &ldquo;You get a beast
+like the elephant shuffling one of his fore-feet up and down, up
+and down, a plank for twenty-four hours a day for forty days in
+one of your boats, and see where your boat would be.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thanks,&rdquo; said Charon, calmly.&nbsp; &ldquo;But
+the elephants don&rsquo;t patronize my line.&nbsp; All the
+elephants I&rsquo;ve ever seen in Hades waded over, except Jumbo,
+and he reached his trunk across, fastened on to a tree limb with
+it, and swung himself over.&nbsp; However, the Ark isn&rsquo;t at
+all what you want, unless you are going to man her with a lot of
+centaurs.&nbsp; If that&rsquo;s your intention, I&rsquo;d charter
+her; the accommodations are just the thing for a crew of that
+kind.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, what do you suggest?&rdquo; asked Raleigh,
+somewhat impatiently.&nbsp; &ldquo;You&rsquo;ve told us what we
+can&rsquo;t do.&nbsp; Now tell us what we can do.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;d stay right here,&rdquo; said Charon,
+&ldquo;and let the ladies rescue themselves.&nbsp; That&rsquo;s
+what I&rsquo;d do.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ve had the honor of bringing
+&rsquo;em over here, and I think I know &rsquo;em pretty
+well.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ve watched &rsquo;em close, and it&rsquo;s my
+private opinion that before many days you&rsquo;ll see your
+club-house sailing back here, with Queen Elizabeth at the hellum,
+and the other ladies on the for&rsquo;ard deck knittin&rsquo; and
+crochetin&rsquo;, and tearin&rsquo; each other to pieces in a
+conversational way, as happy as if there never had been any
+Captain Kidd and his pirate crew.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That suggestion is impossible,&rdquo; said Blackstone,
+rising.&nbsp; &ldquo;Whether the relief expedition amounts to
+anything or not, it&rsquo;s good to be set going.&nbsp; The
+ladies would never forgive us if we sat here inactive, even if
+they were capable of rescuing themselves.&nbsp; It is an accepted
+principle of law that this climate hath no fury like a woman left
+to herself, and we&rsquo;ve got enough professional furies
+hereabouts without our aiding in augmenting the ranks.&nbsp; We
+must have a boat.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;ll cost you a thousand dollars a week,&rdquo;
+said Charon.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll subscribe fifty,&rdquo; cried Hamlet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll consult my secretary,&rdquo; said Solomon,
+&ldquo;and find out how many of my wives have been abducted, and
+I&rsquo;ll pay ten dollars apiece for their recovery.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s liberal,&rdquo; said Hawkshaw.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;There are sixty-three of &rsquo;em on board, together with
+eighty of his fianc&eacute;es.&nbsp; What&rsquo;s the quotation
+on fianc&eacute;es, King Solomon?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nothing,&rdquo; said Solomon.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;They&rsquo;re not mine yet, and it&rsquo;s their
+father&rsquo;s business to get &rsquo;em back.&nbsp; Not
+mine.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long
+before everybody save Shylock had put his name down for
+something.&nbsp; This some one of the more quick-witted of the
+spirits soon observed, and, with reckless disregard of the
+feelings of the Merchant of Venice, began to call,
+&ldquo;Shylock!&nbsp; Shylock!&nbsp; How much?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The Merchant tried to leave the pier, but his path was
+blocked.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Subscribe, subscribe!&rdquo; was the cry.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;How much?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Order, gentlemen, order!&rdquo; said Sir Walter, rising
+and holding a bottle aloft.&nbsp; &ldquo;A black person by the
+name of Friday, a valet of our friend Mr. Crusoe, has just handed
+me this bottle, which he picked up ten minutes ago on the bank of
+the river a few miles distant.&nbsp; It contains a bit of paper,
+and may perhaps give us a clew based upon something more
+substantial than even the wonderful theories of our new brother
+Holmes.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image54" href="images/p54b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"A black person by the name of Friday finds a bottle"
+title=
+"A black person by the name of Friday finds a bottle"
+ src="images/p54s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>A deathly silence followed the chairman&rsquo;s words, as Sir
+Walter drew a corkscrew from his pocket and opened the
+bottle.&nbsp; He extracted the paper, and, as he had surmised, it
+proved to be a message from the missing vessel.&nbsp; His face
+brightening with a smile of relief, Sir Walter read, aloud:</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Have just emerged into the Atlantic Club in hands of
+Kidd and forty ruffians.&nbsp; One hundred and eighty-three
+ladies on board.&nbsp; Headed for the Azores.&nbsp; Send aid at
+once.&nbsp; All well except Xanthippe, who is seasick in the
+billiard-room.&nbsp; (Signed) Portia.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Aha!&rdquo; cried Hawkshaw.&nbsp; &ldquo;That shows how
+valuable the Holmes theory is.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Precisely,&rdquo; said Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;No woman
+knows anything about seafaring, but Portia is right.&nbsp; The
+ship is headed for the Azores, which is the first tack needed in
+a windward sail for London under the present
+conditions.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the
+cry for Shylock&rsquo;s subscription began again, but he
+declined.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I had intended to put up a thousand ducats,&rdquo; he
+said, defiantly, &ldquo;but with that woman Portia on board I
+won&rsquo;t give a red obolus!&rdquo; and with that he wrapped
+his cloak about him and stalked off into the gathering shadows of
+the wood.</p>
+<p>And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and
+the shapely twin-screw steamer the <i>Gehenna</i> was chartered
+of Charon, and put under the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who,
+after he had thanked the company for their confidence, walked
+abstractedly away, observing in strictest confidence to himself
+that he had done well to prepare that bottle beforehand and bribe
+Crusoe&rsquo;s man to find it.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;For now,&rdquo; he said, with a chuckle, &ldquo;I can
+get back to earth again free of cost on my own hook, whether my
+eminent inventor wants me there or not.&nbsp; I never approved of
+his killing me off as he did at the very height of my
+popularity.&rdquo;</p>
+<h2><a name="page58"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 58</span>IV<br
+/>
+<span class="GutSmall">ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT</span></h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">Meanwhile</span> the ladies were not
+having such a bad time, after all.&nbsp; Once having gained
+possession of the House-boat, they were loath to think of ever
+having to give it up again, and it is an open question in my mind
+if they would not have made off with it themselves had Captain
+Kidd and his men not done it for them.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll never forgive these men for their
+selfishness in monopolizing all this,&rdquo; said Elizabeth, with
+a vicious stroke of a billiard-cue, which missed the cue-ball and
+tore a right angle in the cloth.&nbsp; &ldquo;It is not
+right.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; said Portia.&nbsp; &ldquo;It is all wrong;
+and when we get back home I&rsquo;m going to give my beloved
+Bassanio a piece of my mind; and if he doesn&rsquo;t give in to
+me, <i>I&rsquo;ll</i> reverse my decision in the famous case of
+Shylock <i>versus</i> Antonio.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then I sincerely hope he doesn&rsquo;t give in,&rdquo;
+retorted Cleopatra, &ldquo;for I swear by all my auburn locks
+that that was the very worst bit of injustice ever
+perpetrated.&nbsp; Mr. Shakespeare confided to me one night, at
+one of Mrs. C&aelig;sar&rsquo;s card-parties, that he regarded
+that as the biggest joke he ever wrote, and Judge Blackstone
+observed to Antony that the decision wouldn&rsquo;t have held in
+any court of equity outside of Venice.&nbsp; If you owe a man a
+thousand ducats, and it costs you three thousand to get them,
+that&rsquo;s your affair, not his.&nbsp; If it cost Antonio every
+drop of his bluest blood to pay the pound of flesh, it was
+Antonio&rsquo;s affair, not Shylock&rsquo;s.&nbsp; However, the
+world applauds you as a great jurist, when you have nothing more
+than a woman&rsquo;s keen instinct for sentimental
+technicalities.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It would have made a horrid play, though, if it had
+gone on,&rdquo; shuddered Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That may be, but, carried out realistically, it would
+have done away with a raft of bad actors,&rdquo; said
+Cleopatra.&nbsp; &ldquo;I&rsquo;m half sorry it didn&rsquo;t go
+on, and I&rsquo;m sure it wouldn&rsquo;t have been any worse than
+compelling Brutus to fall on his sword until he resembles a
+chicken liver <i>en brochette</i>, as is done in that Julius
+C&aelig;sar play.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, I&rsquo;m very glad I did it,&rdquo; snapped
+Portia.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I should think you would be,&rdquo; said
+Cleopatra.&nbsp; &ldquo;If you hadn&rsquo;t done it, you&rsquo;d
+never have been known.&nbsp; What was that?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The boat had given a slight lurch.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Didn&rsquo;t you hear a shuffling noise up on deck,
+Portia?&rdquo; asked the Egyptian Queen.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I thought I did, and it seemed as if the vessel had
+moved a bit,&rdquo; returned Portia, nervously; for, like most
+women in an advanced state of development, she had become a
+martyr to her nerves.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It was merely the wash from one of Charon&rsquo;s new
+ferry-boats, I fancy,&rdquo; said Elizabeth, calmly.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;It&rsquo;s disgusting, the way that old fellow allows
+these modern innovations to be brought in here!&nbsp; As if the
+old paddle-boats he used to carry shades in weren&rsquo;t good
+enough for the immigrants of this age!&nbsp; Really this Styx
+River is losing a great deal of its charm.&nbsp; Sir Walter and I
+were upset, while out rowing one day last summer, by the waves
+kicked up by one of Charon&rsquo;s excursion steamers going up
+the river with a party of picnickers from the city&mdash;the
+Greater Gehenna Chowder Club, I believe it was&mdash;on board of
+her.&nbsp; One might just as well live in the midst of the
+turmoil of a great city as try to get uninterrupted quiet here in
+the suburbs in these days.&nbsp; Charon isn&rsquo;t content to
+get rich slowly; he must make money by the barrelful, if he has
+to sacrifice all the comfort of everybody living on this
+river.&nbsp; Anybody&rsquo;d think he was an American, the way he
+goes on; and everybody else here is the same way.&nbsp; The
+Erebeans are getting to be a race of shopkeepers.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think myself,&rdquo; sighed Cleopatra, &ldquo;that
+Hades is being spoiled by the introduction of American
+ideas&mdash;it is getting by far too democratic for my tastes;
+and if it isn&rsquo;t stopped, it&rsquo;s my belief that the best
+people will stop coming here.&nbsp; Take Madame
+R&eacute;camier&rsquo;s salon as it is now and compare it with
+what it used to be!&nbsp; In the early days, after her arrival
+here, everybody went because it was the swell thing, and
+you&rsquo;d be sure of meeting the intellectually elect.&nbsp; On
+the one hand you&rsquo;d find Sophocles; on the other, Cicero;
+across the room would be Horace chatting gayly with some such
+person as myself.&nbsp; Great warriors, from Alexander to
+Bonaparte, were there, and glad of the opportunity to be there,
+too; statesmen like Macchiavelli; artists like Cellini or
+Tintoretto.&nbsp; You couldn&rsquo;t move without stepping on the
+toes of genius.&nbsp; But now all is different.&nbsp; The
+money-getting instinct has been aroused within them all, with the
+result that when I invited Mozart to meet a few friends at dinner
+at my place last autumn, he sent me a card stating his terms for
+dinners.&nbsp; Let me see, I think I have it with me; I&rsquo;ve
+kept it by me for fear of losing it, it is such a complete
+revelation of the actual condition of affairs in this
+locality.&nbsp; Ah! this is it,&rdquo; she added, taking a small
+bit of pasteboard from her card-case.&nbsp; &ldquo;Read
+that.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The card was passed about, and all the ladies were much
+astonished&mdash;and naturally so, for it ran this wise:</p>
+<blockquote><p style="text-align: center">NOTICE TO
+HOSTESSES.</p>
+<p>Owing to the very great, constantly growing, and at times
+vexatious demands upon his time socially,</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">HERR WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART</p>
+<p>takes this method of announcing to his friends that on and
+after January 1, 1897, his terms for functions will be as
+follows:</p>
+</blockquote>
+<table>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&nbsp;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">Marks</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Dinners with conversation on the Theory of Music</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">500</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Dinners with conversation on the Theory of Music,
+illustrated</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">750</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Dinners without any conversation</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">300</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Receptions, public, with music</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">1000</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;,,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ,,&nbsp;&nbsp;
+private,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ,,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ,,,</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">750</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Encores (single)</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">100</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Three encores for</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">150</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Autographs</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right">10</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<blockquote><p>Positively no Invitations for Five-o&rsquo;Clock
+Teas or Morning Musicales considered.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<div class="gapshortline">&nbsp;</div>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, I declare!&rdquo; tittered Elizabeth, as she
+read.&nbsp; &ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t that extraordinary?&nbsp;
+He&rsquo;s got the three-name craze, too!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s perfectly ridiculous,&rdquo; said
+Cleopatra.&nbsp; &ldquo;But it&rsquo;s fairer than Artemus
+Ward&rsquo;s plan.&nbsp; Mozart gives notice of his intentions to
+charge you; but with Ward it&rsquo;s different.&nbsp; He comes,
+and afterwards sends a bill for his fun.&nbsp; Why, only last
+week I got a &lsquo;quarterly statement&rsquo; from him showing a
+charge against me of thirty-eight dollars for humorous remarks
+made to my guests at a little chafing-dish party I gave in honor
+of Balzac, and, worst of all, he had marked it &lsquo;Please
+remit.&rsquo;&nbsp; Even Antony, when he wrote a sonnet to my
+eyebrow, wouldn&rsquo;t let me have it until he had heard whether
+or not Boswell wanted it for publication in the
+<i>Gossip</i>.&nbsp; With Rubens giving chalk-talks for pay,
+Phidias doing &lsquo;Five-minute Masterpieces in Putty&rsquo; for
+suburban lyceums, and all the illustrious in other lines turning
+their genius to account through the entertainment bureaus,
+it&rsquo;s impossible to have a salon now.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You are indeed right,&rdquo; said Madame
+R&eacute;camier, sadly.&nbsp; &ldquo;Those were palmy days when
+genius was satisfied with chicken salad and lemonade.&nbsp; I
+shall never forget those nights when the wit and wisdom of all
+time were&mdash;ah&mdash;were on tap at my house, if I may so
+speak, at a cost to me of lights and supper.&nbsp; Now the only
+people who will come for nothing are those we used to think of
+paying to stay away.&nbsp; Boswell is always ready, but you
+can&rsquo;t run a salon on Boswell.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well,&rdquo; said Portia, &ldquo;I sincerely hope that
+you won&rsquo;t give up the functions altogether, because I have
+always found them most delightful.&nbsp; It is still possible to
+have lights and supper.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I have a plan for next winter,&rdquo; said Madame
+R&eacute;camier, &ldquo;but I suppose I shall be accused of going
+into the commercial side of it if I adopt it.&nbsp; The plan is,
+briefly, to incorporate my salon.&nbsp; That&rsquo;s an idea
+worthy of an American, I admit; but if I don&rsquo;t do it
+I&rsquo;ll have to give it up entirely, which, as you intimate,
+would be too bad.&nbsp; An incorporated salon, however, would be
+a grand thing, if only because it would perpetuate the
+salon.&nbsp; &lsquo;The <i>R&eacute;camier</i> Salon
+(Limited)&rsquo; would be a most excellent title, and, suitably
+capitalized would enable us to pay our lions sufficiently.&nbsp;
+Private enterprise is powerless under modern conditions.&nbsp;
+It&rsquo;s as much as I can afford to pay for a dinner, without
+running up an expensive account for guests; and unless we get up
+a salon-trust, as it were, the whole affair must go to the
+wall.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How would you make it pay?&rdquo; asked Portia.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;I can&rsquo;t see where your dividends would come
+from.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is simple enough,&rdquo; said Madame
+R&eacute;camier.&nbsp; &ldquo;We could put up a large
+reception-hall with a portion of our capital, and advertise a
+series of nights&mdash;say one a week throughout the
+season.&nbsp; These would be Warriors&rsquo; Night,
+Story-tellers&rsquo; Night, Poets&rsquo; Night, Chafing-dish
+Night under the charge of Brillat-Savarin, and so on.&nbsp; It
+would be understood that on these particular evenings the most
+interesting people in certain lines would be present, and would
+mix with outsiders, who should be admitted only on payment of a
+certain sum of money.&nbsp; The commonplace inhabitants of this
+country could thus meet the truly great; and if I know them well,
+as I think I do, they&rsquo;ll pay readily for the
+privilege.&nbsp; The obscure love to rub up against the famous
+here as well as they do on earth.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image66" href="images/p66b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Madame R&eacute;camier has a plan"
+title=
+"Madame R&eacute;camier has a plan"
+ src="images/p66s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;You&rsquo;d run a sort of Social Zoo?&rdquo; suggested
+Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Precisely; and provide entertainment for private
+residences too.&nbsp; An advertisement in Boswell&rsquo;s paper,
+which everybody buys&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And which nobody reads,&rdquo; said Portia.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They read the advertisements,&rdquo; retorted Madame
+R&eacute;camier.&nbsp; &ldquo;As I was saying, an advertisement
+could be placed in Boswell&rsquo;s paper as follows: &lsquo;Are
+you giving a Function?&nbsp; Do you want Talent?&nbsp; Get your
+Genius at the R&eacute;camier Salon (Limited).&rsquo;&nbsp; It
+would be simply magnificent as a business enterprise.&nbsp; The
+common herd would be tickled to death if they could get great
+people at their homes, even if they had to pay roundly for
+them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It would look well in the society notes, wouldn&rsquo;t
+it, if Mr. John Boggs gave a reception, and at the close of the
+account it said, &lsquo;The supper was furnished by Calizetti,
+and the genius by the R&eacute;camier Salon
+(Limited)&rsquo;?&rdquo; suggested Elizabeth, scornfully.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I must admit,&rdquo; replied the French lady,
+&ldquo;that you call up an unpleasant possibility, but I
+don&rsquo;t really see what else we can do if we want to preserve
+the salon idea.&nbsp; Somebody has told these talented people
+that they have a commercial value, and they are availing
+themselves of the demand.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is a sad age!&rdquo; sighed Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, all I&rsquo;ve got to say is just this,&rdquo;
+put in Xanthippe: &ldquo;You people who get up functions have
+brought this condition of affairs on yourselves.&nbsp; You were
+not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your passion for lions in a
+moderate fashion.&nbsp; Take the case of Demosthenes last winter,
+for instance.&nbsp; His wife told me that he dined at home three
+times during the winter.&nbsp; The rest of the time he was out,
+here, there, and everywhere, making after-dinner speeches.&nbsp;
+The saving on his dinner bills didn&rsquo;t pay his pebble
+account, much less remunerate him for his time, and the fearful
+expense of nervous energy to which he was subjected.&nbsp; It was
+as much as she could do, she said, to keep him from shaving one
+side of his head, so that he couldn&rsquo;t go out, the way he
+used to do in Athens when he was afraid he would be invited out
+and couldn&rsquo;t scare up a decent excuse for
+refusing.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Did he do that?&rdquo; cried Elizabeth, with a roar of
+laughter.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So the cyclop&aelig;dias say.&nbsp; It&rsquo;s a good
+plan, too,&rdquo; said Xanthippe.&nbsp; &ldquo;Though Socrates
+never had to do it.&nbsp; When I got the notion Socrates was
+going out too much, I used to hide his dress clothes.&nbsp; Then
+there was the case of Rubens.&nbsp; He gave a Carbon Talk at the
+Sforza&rsquo;s Thursday Night Club, merely to oblige Madame
+Sforza, and three weeks later discovered that she had sold his
+pictures to pay for her gown!&nbsp; You people simply run it into
+the ground.&nbsp; You kill the goose that when taken at the flood
+leads on to fortune.&nbsp; It advertises you, does the lion no
+good, and he is expected to be satisfied with confectionery,
+material and theoretical.&nbsp; If they are getting tired of
+candy and compliments, it&rsquo;s because you have forced too
+much of it upon them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They like it, just the same,&rdquo; retorted
+R&eacute;camier.&nbsp; &ldquo;A genius likes nothing better than
+the sound of his own voice, when he feels that it is falling on
+aristocratic ears.&nbsp; The social laurel rests pleasantly on
+many a noble brow.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;True,&rdquo; said Xanthippe.&nbsp; &ldquo;But when a
+man gets a pile of Christmas wreaths a mile high on his head, he
+begins to wonder what they will bring on the market.&nbsp; An
+occasional wreath is very nice, but by the ton they are apt to
+weigh on his mind.&nbsp; Up to a certain point notoriety is like
+a woman, and a man is apt to love it; but when it becomes
+exacting, demanding instead of permitting itself to be courted,
+it loses its charm.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is Socratic in its wisdom,&rdquo; smiled
+Portia.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But Xanthippic in its origin,&rdquo; returned
+Xanthippe.&nbsp; &ldquo;No man ever gave me my ideas.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia burst into the room.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hurry and save yourselves!&rdquo; she cried.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;The boat has broken loose from her moorings, and is
+floating down the stream.&nbsp; If we don&rsquo;t hurry up and do
+something, we&rsquo;ll drift out to sea!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What!&rdquo; cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in
+terror, and rushing for the stairs.&nbsp; &ldquo;I was certain I
+felt a slight motion.&nbsp; You said it was the wash from one of
+Charon&rsquo;s barges, Elizabeth.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I thought it was,&rdquo; said Elizabeth, following
+closely after.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, it wasn&rsquo;t,&rdquo; moaned Lucretia
+Borgia.&nbsp; &ldquo;Calpurnia just looked out of the window and
+discovered that we were in mid-stream.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The ladies crowded anxiously about the stair and attempted to
+ascend, Cleopatra in the van; but as the Egyptian Queen reached
+the doorway to the upper deck, the door opened, and the hard
+features of Captain Kidd were thrust roughly through, and his
+strident voice rang out through the gathering gloom.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Pipe my eye for a sardine if we haven&rsquo;t captured a
+female seminary!&rdquo; he cried.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image70" href="images/p70b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The hard features of Captain Kidd were thrust through"
+title=
+"The hard features of Captain Kidd were thrust through"
+ src="images/p70s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>And one by one the ladies, in terror, shrank back into the
+billiard-room, while Kidd, overcome by surprise, slammed the door
+to, and retreated into the darkness of the forward deck to
+consult with his followers as to &ldquo;what next.&rdquo;</p>
+<h2><a name="page73"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 73</span>V<br
+/>
+<span class="GutSmall">A CONFERENCE ON DECK</span></h2>
+<p>&ldquo;<span class="smcap">Here&rsquo;s</span> a kettle of
+fish!&rdquo; said Kidd, pulling his chin whisker in perplexity as
+he and his fellow-pirates gathered about the captain to discuss
+the situation.&nbsp; &ldquo;I&rsquo;m blessed if in all my
+experience I ever sailed athwart anything like it afore!&nbsp;
+Pirating with a lot of low-down ruffians like you gentlemen is
+bad enough, but on a craft loaded to the water&rsquo;s edge with
+advanced women&mdash;I&rsquo;ve half a mind to turn
+back.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image74" href="images/p74b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"&ldquo;Here&rsquo;s a kettle of fish!&rdquo; said Kidd"
+title=
+"&ldquo;Here&rsquo;s a kettle of fish!&rdquo; said Kidd"
+ src="images/p74s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;If you do, you swim&mdash;we&rsquo;ll not turn back
+with you,&rdquo; retorted Abeuchapeta, whom, in honor of his
+prowess, Kidd had appointed executive officer of the
+House-boat.&nbsp; &ldquo;I have no desire to be mutinous, Captain
+Kidd, but I have not embarked upon this enterprise for a pleasure
+sail down the Styx.&nbsp; I am out for business.&nbsp; If you had
+thirty thousand women on board, still should I not turn
+back.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But what shall we do with &rsquo;em?&rdquo; pleaded
+Kidd.&nbsp; &ldquo;Where can we go without attracting
+attention?&nbsp; Who&rsquo;s going to feed &rsquo;em?&nbsp;
+Who&rsquo;s going to dress &rsquo;em?&nbsp; Who&rsquo;s going to
+keep &rsquo;em in bonnets?&nbsp; You don&rsquo;t know anything
+about these creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta; and, by-the-way,
+can&rsquo;t we arbitrate that name of yours?&nbsp; It would be
+fearful to remember in the excitement of a fight.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Call him Ab,&rdquo; suggested Sir Henry Morgan, with an
+ill-concealed sneer, for he was deeply jealous of
+Abeuchapeta&rsquo;s preferral.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;If you do I&rsquo;ll call you Morgue, and change your
+appearance to fit,&rdquo; retorted Abeuchapeta, angrily.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By the beards of all my sainted Buccaneers,&rdquo;
+began Morgan, springing angrily to his feet, &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll
+have your life!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Gentlemen!&nbsp; Gentlemen&mdash;my noble
+ruffians!&rdquo; expostulated Kidd.&nbsp; &ldquo;Come, come; this
+will never do!&nbsp; I must have no quarrelling among my
+aides.&nbsp; This is no time for divisions in our councils.&nbsp;
+An entirely unexpected element has entered into our affairs, and
+it behooveth us to act in concert.&nbsp; It is no light
+matter&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excuse me, captain,&rdquo; said Abeuchapeta, &ldquo;but
+that is where you and I do not agree.&nbsp; We&rsquo;ve got our
+ship and we&rsquo;ve got our crew, and in addition we find that
+the Fates have thrown in a hundred or more women to act as
+ballast.&nbsp; Now I, for one, do not fear a woman.&nbsp; We can
+set them to work.&nbsp; There is plenty for them to do keeping
+things tidy; and if we get into a very hard fight, and come out
+of the m&ecirc;l&eacute;e somewhat the worse for wear, it will be
+a blessing to have &rsquo;em along to mend our togas, sew buttons
+on our uniforms, and darn our hosiery.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Morgan laughed sarcastically.&nbsp; &ldquo;When did you
+flourish, if ever, colonel?&rdquo; he asked.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Do you refer to me?&rdquo; queried Abeuchapeta, with a
+frown.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You have guessed correctly,&rdquo; replied Morgan,
+icily.&nbsp; &ldquo;I have quite forgotten your date; were you a
+success in the year one, or when?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Admiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry,&rdquo; interposed Kidd,
+fearing a further outbreak of hostilities&mdash;&ldquo;Admiral
+Abeuchapeta was the terror of the seas in the seventh century,
+and what he undertook to do he did, and his piratical enterprises
+were carried on on a scale of magnificence which is without
+parallel off the comic-opera stage.&nbsp; He never went forth
+without at least seventy galleys and a hundred other
+vessels.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Six-ninety-eight was my great year,&rdquo; he said.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what I thought,&rdquo; said Morgan.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;That is to say, you got your ideas of women twelve hundred
+years ago, and the ladies have changed somewhat since that
+time.&nbsp; I have great respect for you, sir, as a
+ruffian.&nbsp; I have no doubt that as a ruffian you are a
+complete success, but when it comes to &lsquo;feminology&rsquo;
+you are sailing in unknown waters.&nbsp; The study of women, my
+dear Abeuchadnezzar&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Peta,&rdquo; retorted Abeuchapeta, irritably.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I stand corrected.&nbsp; The study of women, my dear
+Peter,&rdquo; said Morgan, with a wink at Conrad, which
+fortunately the seventh-century pirate did not see, else there
+would have been an open break&mdash;&ldquo;the study of women is
+more difficult than that of astronomy; there may be two stars
+alike, but all women are unique.&nbsp; Because she was this,
+that, or the other thing in your day does not prove that she is
+any one of those things in our day&mdash;in fact, it proves the
+contrary.&nbsp; Why, I venture even to say that no individual
+woman is alike.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s rather a hazy thought,&rdquo; said Kidd,
+scratching his head in a puzzled sort of way.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I mean that she&rsquo;s different from herself at
+different times,&rdquo; said Morgan.&nbsp; &ldquo;What is it the
+poet called her?&mdash;&lsquo;an infinite variety show,&rsquo; or
+something of that sort; a perpetual vaudeville&mdash;a continuous
+performance, as it were, from twelve to twelve.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Morgan is right, admiral!&rdquo; put in Conrad the
+corsair, acting temporarily as bo&rsquo;sun.&nbsp; &ldquo;The
+times are sadly changed, and woman is no longer what she
+was.&nbsp; She is hardly what she is, much less what she
+was.&nbsp; The Roman Gyn&aelig;ceum would be an impossibility
+to-day.&nbsp; You might as well expect Delilah to open a
+barber-shop on board this boat as ask any of these advanced
+females below-stairs to sew buttons on a pirate&rsquo;s uniform
+after a fray, or to keep the fringe on his epaulets curled.&nbsp;
+They&rsquo;re no longer sewing-machines&mdash;they are Keeley
+motors for mystery and perpetual motion.&nbsp; Women have views
+now they are no longer content to be looked at merely; they must
+see for themselves; and the more they see, the more they wish to
+domesticate man and emancipate woman.&nbsp; It&rsquo;s my private
+opinion that if we are to get along with them at all the best
+thing to do is to let &rsquo;em alone.&nbsp; I have always found
+I was better off in the abstract, and if this question is going
+to be settled in a purely democratic fashion by submitting it to
+a vote, I&rsquo;ll vote for any measure which involves leaving
+them strictly to themselves.&nbsp; They&rsquo;re nothing but a
+lot of ghosts anyhow, like ourselves, and we can pretend we
+don&rsquo;t see them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;If that could be, it would be excellent,&rdquo; said
+Morgan; &ldquo;but it is impossible.&nbsp; For a pirate of the
+Byronic order, my dear Conrad, you are strangely unversed in the
+ways of the sex which cheers but not inebriates.&nbsp; We can no
+more ignore their presence upon this boat than we can expect
+whales to spout kerosene.&nbsp; In the first place, it would be
+excessively impolite of us to cut them&mdash;to decline to speak
+to them if they should address us.&nbsp; We may be pirates,
+ruffians, cutthroats, but I hope we shall never forget that we
+are gentlemen.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The whole situation is rather contrary to etiquette,
+don&rsquo;t you think?&rdquo; suggested Conrad.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;There&rsquo;s nobody to introduce us, and I can&rsquo;t
+really see how we can do otherwise than ignore them.&nbsp; I
+certainly am not going to stand on deck and make eyes at them, to
+try and pick up an acquaintance with them, even if I am of a
+Byronic strain.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You forget,&rdquo; said Kidd, &ldquo;two essential
+features of the situation.&nbsp; These women are at
+present&mdash;or shortly will be, when they realize their
+situation&mdash;in distress, and a true gentleman may always fly
+to the rescue of a distressed female; and, the second point, we
+shall soon be on the seas, and I understand that on the
+fashionable transatlantic lines it is now considered <i>de
+rigueur</i> to speak to anybody you choose to.&nbsp; The
+introduction business isn&rsquo;t going to stand in my
+way.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, may I ask,&rdquo; put in Abeuchapeta, &ldquo;just
+what it is that is worrying you?&nbsp; You said something about
+feeding them, and dressing them, and keeping them in
+bonnets.&nbsp; I fancy there&rsquo;s fish enough in the sea to
+feed &rsquo;em; and as for their gowns and hats, they can make
+&rsquo;em themselves.&nbsp; Every woman is a milliner at
+heart.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Exactly, and we&rsquo;ll have to pay the
+milliners.&nbsp; That is what bothers me.&nbsp; I was going to
+lead this expedition to London, Paris, and New York,
+admiral.&nbsp; That is where the money is, and to get it
+you&rsquo;ve got to go ashore, to headquarters.&nbsp; You cannot
+nowadays find it on the high seas.&nbsp; Modern
+civilization,&rdquo; said Kidd, &ldquo;has ruined the
+pirate&rsquo;s business.&nbsp; The latest news from the other
+world has really opened my eyes to certain facts that I never
+dreamed of.&nbsp; The conditions of the day of which I speak are
+interestingly shown in the experience of our friend Hawkins
+here.&nbsp; Captain Hawkins, would you have any objection to
+stating to these gentlemen the condition of affairs which led you
+to give up piracy on the high seas?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not the slightest, Captain Kidd,&rdquo; returned
+Captain Hawkins, who was a recent arrival in Hades.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;It is a sad little story, and it gives me a pain for to
+think on it, but none the less I&rsquo;ll tell it, since you ask
+me.&nbsp; When I were a mere boy, fellow-pirates, I had but one
+ambition, due to my readin&rsquo;, which was confined to stories
+of a Sunday-school nater&mdash;to become somethin&rsquo;
+different from the little Willies an&rsquo; the clever Tommies
+what I read about therein.&nbsp; They was all good, an&rsquo;
+they went to their reward too soon in life for me, who even in
+them days regarded death as a stuffy an&rsquo; unpleasant
+diversion.&nbsp; Learnin&rsquo; at an early period that virtue
+was its only reward, an&rsquo; a-wish-in&rsquo; others, I says to
+myself: &lsquo;Jim,&rsquo; says I, &lsquo;if you wishes to become
+a magnet in this village, be sinful.&nbsp; If so be as you are a
+good boy, an&rsquo; kind to your sister an&rsquo; all other
+animals, you&rsquo;ll end up as a prosperous father with fifteen
+hundred a year sure, with never no hope for no public preferment
+beyond bein&rsquo; made the super-intendent of the Sunday-school;
+but if so be as how you&rsquo;re bad, you may become famous,
+an&rsquo; go to Congress, an&rsquo; have your picture in the
+Sunday noospapers.&rsquo;&nbsp; So I looks around for books
+tellin&rsquo; how to get &lsquo;Famous in Fifty Ways,&rsquo;
+an&rsquo; after due reflection I settles in my mind that to be a
+pirate&rsquo;s just the thing for me, seein&rsquo; as how
+it&rsquo;s both profitable an&rsquo; healthy.&nbsp;
+Pass-in&rsquo; over details, let me tell you that I became a
+pirate.&nbsp; I ran away to sea, an&rsquo; by dint of
+perseverance, as the Sunday-school book useter say, in my badness
+I soon became the centre of a evil lot; an&rsquo; when I says to
+&rsquo;em, &lsquo;Boys, I wants to be a pirate chief,&rsquo; they
+hollers back, loud like, &lsquo;Jim, we&rsquo;re with you,&rsquo;
+an&rsquo; they was.&nbsp; For years I was the terror of the
+Venezuelan Gulf, the Spanish Main, an&rsquo; the Pacific seas,
+but there was precious little money into it.&nbsp; The best pay I
+got was from a Sunday noospaper which paid me well to sign an
+article on &lsquo;Modern Piracy&rsquo; which I didn&rsquo;t
+write.&nbsp; Finally business got so bad the crew began to
+murmur, an&rsquo; I was at my wits&rsquo; ends to please
+&rsquo;em; when one mornin&rsquo;, havin&rsquo; passed a restless
+night, I picks up a noospaper and sees in it that &lsquo;Next
+Saturday&rsquo;s steamer is a weritable treasure-ship,
+takin&rsquo; out twelve million dollars, and the jewels of a
+certain prima donna valued at five hundred thousand.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Here&rsquo;s my chance,&rsquo; says I, an&rsquo; I goes to
+sea and lies in wait for the steamer.&nbsp; I captures her easy,
+my crew bein&rsquo; hungry, an&rsquo; fightin according
+like.&nbsp; We steals the box a-hold-in&rsquo; the jewels
+an&rsquo; the bag containin&rsquo; the millions, hustles back to
+our own ship, an&rsquo; makes for our rondyvoo, me with two
+bullets in my leg, four o&rsquo; my crew killed, and one
+engin&rsquo; of my ship disabled by a shot&mdash;but happy.&nbsp;
+Twelve an&rsquo; a half millions at one break is enough to make
+anybody happy.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I should say so,&rdquo; said Abeuchapeta, with an
+ecstatic shake of his head.&nbsp; &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t get that
+in all my career.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nor I,&rdquo; sighed Kidd.&nbsp; &ldquo;But go on,
+Hawkins.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, as I says,&rdquo; continued Captain Hawkins,
+&ldquo;we goes to the rondyvoo to look over our booty.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Captain &rsquo;Awkins,&rsquo; says my valet&mdash;for I
+was a swell pirate, gents, an&rsquo; never travelled nowhere
+without a man to keep my clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles
+in my trousers&mdash;&lsquo;this &rsquo;ere twelve
+millions,&rsquo; says he, &lsquo;is werry light,&rsquo; says he,
+carryin&rsquo; the bag ashore.&nbsp; &lsquo;I don&rsquo;t care
+how light it is, so long as it&rsquo;s twelve millions,
+Henderson,&rsquo; says I; but my heart sinks inside o&rsquo; me
+at his words, an&rsquo; the minute we lands I sits down to
+investigate right there on the beach.&nbsp; I opens the bag,
+an&rsquo; it&rsquo;s the one I was after&mdash;but the twelve
+millions!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Weren&rsquo;t there?&rdquo; cried Conrad.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, they was there,&rdquo; sighed Hawkins, &ldquo;but
+every bloomin&rsquo; million was represented by a certified
+check, an&rsquo; payable in London!&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image84" href="images/p84b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Every bloomin&rsquo; million was represented by a certified
+check, an&rsquo; payable in London"
+title=
+"Every bloomin&rsquo; million was represented by a certified
+check, an&rsquo; payable in London"
+ src="images/p84s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;By Jingo!&rdquo; cried Morgan.&nbsp; &ldquo;What
+fearful luck!&nbsp; But you had the prima donna&rsquo;s
+jewels.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; said Hawkins, with a moan.&nbsp; &ldquo;But
+they was like all other prima donna&rsquo;s jewels&mdash;for
+advertisin&rsquo; purposes only, an&rsquo; made o&rsquo;
+gum-arabic!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Horrible!&rdquo; said Abeuchapeta.&nbsp; &ldquo;And the
+crew, what did they say?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They was a crew of a few words,&rdquo; sighed
+Hawkins.&nbsp; &ldquo;Werry few words, an&rsquo; not a civil word
+in the lot&mdash;mostly adjectives of a profane kind.&nbsp; When
+I told &rsquo;em what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for
+a-jiltin&rsquo; of &rsquo;em, an&rsquo;&mdash;well, I came
+here.&nbsp; I was &rsquo;sas&rsquo;inated that werry
+night!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They killed you?&rdquo; cried Morgan.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A dozen times,&rdquo; nodded Hawkins.&nbsp; &ldquo;They
+always was a lavish lot.&nbsp; I met death in all its most horrid
+forms.&nbsp; First they stabbed me, then they shot me, then they
+clubbed me, and so on, endin&rsquo; up with a
+lynchin&rsquo;&mdash;but I didn&rsquo;t mind much after the
+first, which hurt a bit.&nbsp; But now that I&rsquo;m here
+I&rsquo;m glad it happened.&nbsp; This life is sort of less
+responsible than that other.&nbsp; You can&rsquo;t hurt a ghost
+by shooting him, because there ain&rsquo;t nothing to hurt,
+an&rsquo; I must say I like bein&rsquo; a mere vision what
+everybody can see through.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;All of which interesting tale proves what?&rdquo;
+queried Abeuchapeta.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days
+of the check banking system,&rdquo; said Kidd.&nbsp; &ldquo;If
+you can get a chance at real gold it&rsquo;s all right, but
+it&rsquo;s of no earthly use to steal checks that people can stop
+payment on.&nbsp; Therefore it was my plan to visit the cities
+and do a little freebooting there, where solid material wealth is
+to be found.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well?&nbsp; Can&rsquo;t we do it now?&rdquo; asked
+Abeuchapeta.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not with these women tagging after us,&rdquo; returned
+Kidd.&nbsp; &ldquo;If we went to London and lifted the whole Bank
+of England, these women would have it spent on Regent Street
+inside of twenty-four hours.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then leave them on board,&rdquo; said Abeuchapeta.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And have them steal the ship!&rdquo; retorted
+Kidd.&nbsp; &ldquo;No.&nbsp; There are but two things to
+do.&nbsp; Take &rsquo;em back, or land them in Paris.&nbsp; Tell
+them to spend a week on shore while we are provisioning.&nbsp;
+Tell &rsquo;em to shop to their hearts&rsquo; content, and while
+they are doing it we can sneak off and leave them
+stranded.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Splendid!&rdquo; cried Morgan.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But will they consent?&rdquo; asked Abeuchapeta.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Consent!&nbsp; To shop?&nbsp; In Paris?&nbsp; For a
+week?&rdquo; cried Morgan.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ha, ha!&rdquo; laughed Hawkins.&nbsp; &ldquo;Will they
+consent!&nbsp; Will a duck swim?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the
+career of the House-boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock
+Holmes had failed to count.</p>
+<h2><a name="page89"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 89</span>VI<br
+/>
+<span class="GutSmall">A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS</span></h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span>, with a resounding slam, the
+door to the upper deck of the House-boat was shut in the faces of
+queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra by the unmannerly Kidd, these
+ladies turned and gazed at those who thronged the stairs behind
+them in blank amazement, and the heart of Xanthippe, had one
+chosen to gaze through that diaphanous person&rsquo;s ribs, could
+have been seen to beat angrily.</p>
+<p>Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude
+towards her regal self that, having turned, she sat down plump
+upon the floor in the most unroyal fashion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well!&rdquo; she ejaculated.&nbsp; &ldquo;If this does
+not surpass everything!&nbsp; The idea of it!&nbsp; Oh for one
+hour of my olden power, one hour of the axe, one hour of the
+block!&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image90" href="images/p90b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Queen Elizabeth desires an axe and one hour of her olden power"
+title=
+"Queen Elizabeth desires an axe and one hour of her olden power"
+ src="images/p90s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Get up,&rdquo; retorted Cleopatra, &ldquo;and let us
+all return to the billiard-room and discuss this matter
+calmly.&nbsp; It is quite evident that something has happened of
+which we wotted little when we came aboard this craft.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is a good idea,&rdquo; said Calpurnia, retreating
+below.&nbsp; &ldquo;I can see through the window that we are in
+motion.&nbsp; The vessel has left her moorings, and is making
+considerable headway down the stream, and the distinctly
+masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind that
+the ship is manned, and that this is the result of design rather
+than of accident.&nbsp; Let us below.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the
+excitement of the moment had been forced to assume a position
+about her forehead which gave one the impression that its royal
+wearer had suddenly donned a sombrero.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well,&rdquo; she said.&nbsp; &ldquo;Let us below;
+but oh, for the axe!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bring the lady an axe,&rdquo; cried Xanthippe,
+sarcastically.&nbsp; &ldquo;She wants to cut somebody.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The sally was not greeted with applause.&nbsp; The situation
+was regarded as being too serious to admit of humor, and in
+silence they filed back into the billiard-room, and, arranging
+themselves in groups, stood about anxiously discussing the
+situation.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s getting rougher every minute,&rdquo; sobbed
+Ophelia.&nbsp; &ldquo;Look at those pool-balls!&rdquo;&nbsp;
+These were in very truth chasing each other about the table in an
+extraordinary fashion.&nbsp; &ldquo;And I wish I&rsquo;d never
+followed you horrid new creatures on board!&rdquo; the poor girl
+added, in an agony of despair.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I believe we&rsquo;ve crossed the bar already!&rdquo;
+said Cleopatra, gazing out of the window at a nasty choppy sea
+that was adding somewhat to the disquietude of the fair
+gathering.&nbsp; &ldquo;If this is merely a joke on the part of
+the Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is
+time it should cease.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, for an axe!&rdquo; moaned Elizabeth, again.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excuse me, your Majesty,&rdquo; put in Xanthippe.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;You said that before, and I must say it is getting
+tiresome.&nbsp; You couldn&rsquo;t do anything with an axe.&nbsp;
+Suppose you had one.&nbsp; What earthly good would it do you, who
+were accustomed to doing all your killing by proxy?&nbsp; I
+don&rsquo;t believe, if you had the unmannerly person who slammed
+the door in your face lying prostrate upon the billiard-table
+here, you could hit him a square blow in the neck if you had a
+hundred axes.&nbsp; Delilah might as well cry for her scissors,
+for all the good it would do us in our predicament.&nbsp; If
+Cleopatra had her asp with her it might be more to the
+purpose.&nbsp; One deadly little snake like that let loose on the
+upper deck would doubtless drive these boors into the sea, and
+even then our condition would not be bettered, for there
+isn&rsquo;t any of us that can sail a boat.&nbsp; There
+isn&rsquo;t an old salt among us.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Too bad Mrs. Lot isn&rsquo;t along,&rdquo; giggled
+Marguerite de Valois, whose Gallic spirits were by no means
+overshadowed by the unhappy predicament in which she found
+herself.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m here,&rdquo; piped up Mrs. Lot.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;But I&rsquo;m not that kind of a salt.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am present,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Though why I ever came I don&rsquo;t know, for I vowed the
+minute I set my foot on Ararat that dry land was good enough for
+me, and that I&rsquo;d never step aboard another boat as long as
+I lived.&nbsp; If, however, now that I am here, I can give you
+the benefit of my nautical experience, you are all perfectly
+welcome to it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m sure we&rsquo;re very much obliged for the
+offer,&rdquo; said Portia, &ldquo;but in the emergency which has
+arisen we cannot say how much obliged we are until we know what
+your experience amounted to.&nbsp; Before relying upon you we
+ought to know how far that reliance can go&mdash;not that I lack
+confidence in you, my dear madam, but that in an hour of peril
+one must take care, to rely upon the oak, not upon the
+reed.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The point is properly taken,&rdquo; said Elizabeth,
+&ldquo;and I wish to say here that I am easier in my mind when I
+realize that we have with us so level-headed a person as the lady
+who has just spoken.&nbsp; She has spoken truly and to the
+point.&nbsp; If I were to become queen again, I should make her
+my attorney-general.&nbsp; We must not go ahead impulsively, but
+look at all things in a calm, judicial manner.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Which is pretty hard work with a sea like this
+on,&rdquo; remarked Ophelia, faintly, for she was getting a
+trifle sallow, as indeed she might, for the House-boat was
+beginning to roll tremendously with no alleviation save an
+occasional pitch, which was an alleviation only in the sense that
+it gave variety to their discomfort.&nbsp; &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t
+believe a chief-justice could look at things calmly and in a
+judicial manner if he felt as I do.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Poor dear!&rdquo; said the matronly Mrs. Noah,
+sympathetically.&nbsp; &ldquo;I know exactly how you feel.&nbsp;
+I have been there myself.&nbsp; The fourth day out I and my whole
+family were in the same condition, except that Noah, my husband,
+was so very far gone that I could not afford to yield.&nbsp; I
+nursed him for six days before he got his sea-legs on, and then
+succumbed myself.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But,&rdquo; gasped Ophelia, &ldquo;that doesn&rsquo;t
+help me&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It did my husband,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;When he heard that the boys were seasick too, he
+actually laughed and began to get better right away.&nbsp; There
+is really only one cure for the <i>mal de mer</i>, and that is
+the fun of knowing that somebody else is suffering too.&nbsp; If
+some of you ladies would kindly yield to the seductions of the
+sea, I think we could get this poor girl on her feet in an
+instant.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there was no immediate
+response to this appeal, and the unhappy young woman was forced
+to suffer in solitude.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We have no time for untimely diversions of this
+sort,&rdquo; snapped Xanthippe, with a scornful glance at the
+suffering Ophelia, who, having retired to a comfortable lounge at
+an end of the room, was evidently improving.&nbsp; &ldquo;I have
+no sympathy with this habit some of my sex seem to have acquired
+of succumbing to an immediate sensation of this
+nature.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I hope to be pardoned for interrupting,&rdquo; said
+Mrs. Noah, with a great deal of firmness, &ldquo;but I wish Mrs.
+Socrates to understand that it is rather early in the voyage for
+her to lay down any such broad principle as that, and for her own
+sake to-morrow, I think it would be well if she withdrew the
+sentiment.&nbsp; There are certain things about a sea-voyage that
+are more or less beyond the control of man or woman, and any one
+who chides that poor suffering child on yonder sofa ought to be
+more confident than Mrs. Socrates can possibly be that within an
+hour she will not be as badly off.&nbsp; People who live in glass
+houses should not throw dice.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I shall never yield to anything so undignified as
+seasickness, let me tell you that,&rdquo; retorted
+Xanthippe.&nbsp; &ldquo;Furthermore, the proverb is not as the
+lady has quoted it.&nbsp; &lsquo;People who live in glass houses
+should not throw stones&rsquo; is the proper version.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I was not quoting,&rdquo; returned Mrs. Noah,
+calmly.&nbsp; &ldquo;When I said that people who live in glass
+houses should not throw dice, I meant precisely what I
+said.&nbsp; People who live in glass houses should not take
+chances.&nbsp; In assuming with such vainglorious positiveness
+that she will not be seasick, the lady who has just spoken is
+giving tremendous odds, as the boys used to say on the Ark when
+we gathered about the table at night and began to make small
+wagers on the day&rsquo;s run.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think we had better suspend this discussion,&rdquo;
+suggested Cleopatra.&nbsp; &ldquo;It is of no immediate interest
+to any one but Ophelia, and I fancy she does not care to dwell
+upon it at any great length.&nbsp; It is more important that we
+should decide upon our future course of action.&nbsp; In the
+first place, the question is who these people up on deck
+are.&nbsp; If they are the members of the club, we are all
+right.&nbsp; They will give us our scare, and land us safely
+again at the pier.&nbsp; In that event it is our womanly duty to
+manifest no concern, and to seem to be aware of nothing unusual
+in the proceeding.&nbsp; It would never do to let them think that
+their joke has been a good one.&nbsp; If, on the other hand, as I
+fear, we are the victims of some horde of ruffians, who have
+pounced upon us unawares, and are going into the business of
+abduction on a wholesale basis, we must meet treachery with
+treachery, strategy with strategy.&nbsp; I, for one, am perfectly
+willing to make every man on board walk the plank; having
+confidence in the seawomanship of Mrs. Noah and her ability to
+steer us into port.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am quite in accord with these views,&rdquo; put in
+Madame R&eacute;camier, &ldquo;and I move you, Mrs. President,
+that we organize a series of sub-committees&mdash;one on
+treachery, with Lucretia Borgia and Delilah as members; one on
+strategy, consisting of Portia and Queen Elizabeth; one on
+navigation, headed by Mrs. Noah; with a final sub-committee on
+reconnoitre, with Cassandra to look forward, and Mrs. Lot to look
+aft&mdash;all of these subordinated to a central committee of
+safety headed by Cleopatra and Calpurnia.&nbsp; The rest of us
+can then commit ourselves and our interests unreservedly to these
+ladies, and proceed to enjoy ourselves without thought of the
+morrow.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I second the motion,&rdquo; said Ophelia, &ldquo;with
+the amendment that Madame R&eacute;camier be appointed chair-lady
+of another sub-committee, on entertainment.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The amendment was accepted, and the motion put.&nbsp; It was
+carried with an enthusiastic aye, and the organization was
+complete.</p>
+<p>The various committees retired to the several corners of the
+room to discuss their individual lines of action, when a shadow
+was observed to obscure the moonlight which had been streaming in
+through the window.&nbsp; The faces of Calpurnia and Cleopatra
+blanched for an instant, as, immediately following upon this
+apparition, a large bundle was hurled through the open port into
+the middle of the room, and the shadow vanished.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Is it a bomb?&rdquo; cried several of the ladies at
+once.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nonsense!&rdquo; said Madame R&eacute;camier, jumping
+lightly forward.&nbsp; &ldquo;A man doesn&rsquo;t mind blowing a
+woman up, but he&rsquo;ll never blow himself up.&nbsp;
+We&rsquo;re safe enough in that respect.&nbsp; The thing looks to
+me like a bundle of illustrated papers.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what it is,&rdquo; said Cleopatra who had
+been investigating.&nbsp; &ldquo;It&rsquo;s rather a discourteous
+bit of courtesy, tossing them in through the window that way, I
+think, but I presume they mean well.&nbsp; Dear me,&rdquo; she
+added, as, having untied the bundle, she held one of the open
+papers up before her, &ldquo;how interesting!&nbsp; All the
+latest Paris fashions.&nbsp; Humph!&nbsp; Look at those sleeves,
+Elizabeth.&nbsp; What an impregnable fortress you would have been
+with those sleeves added to your ruffs!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I should think they&rsquo;d be very becoming,&rdquo;
+put in Cassandra, standing on her tip-toes and looking over
+Cleopatra&rsquo;s shoulder.&nbsp; &ldquo;That Watteau isn&rsquo;t
+bad, either, is it, now?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; remarked Calpurnia.&nbsp; &ldquo;I wonder
+how a Watteau back like that would go on my blue
+alpaca?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very nicely,&rdquo; said Elizabeth.&nbsp; &ldquo;How
+many gores has it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Five,&rdquo; observed Calpurnia.&nbsp; &ldquo;One more
+than C&aelig;sar&rsquo;s toga.&nbsp; We had to have our costumes
+distinct in some way.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A remarkable hat, that,&rdquo; nodded Mrs. Lot, her eye
+catching sight of a Virot creation at the top of the page.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Reminds me of Eve&rsquo;s description of an autumn
+scene in the garden,&rdquo; smiled Mrs. Noah.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Gorgeous in its foliage, beautiful thing; though I
+shouldn&rsquo;t have dared wear one in the Ark, with all those
+hungry animals browsing about the upper and lower
+decks.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I wonder,&rdquo; remarked Cleopatra, as she cocked her
+head to one side to take in the full effect of an attractive
+summer gown&mdash;&ldquo;I wonder how that waist would make up in
+blue cr&eacute;pon, with a yoke of lace and a stylishly
+contrasting stock of satin ribbon?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It would depend upon how you finished the
+sleeves,&rdquo; remarked Madame R&eacute;camier.&nbsp; &ldquo;If
+you had a few puffs of rich brocaded satin set in with deeply
+folded pleats it wouldn&rsquo;t be bad.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think it would be very effective,&rdquo; observed
+Mrs. Noah, &ldquo;but a trifle too light for general wear.&nbsp;
+I should want some kind of a wrap with it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It does need that,&rdquo; assented Elizabeth.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;A wrap made of passementerie and jet, with a mousseline de
+soie ruche about the neck held by a <i>chou</i>, would make it
+fascinating.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The committee on treachery is ready to report,&rdquo;
+said Delilah, rising from her corner, where she and Lucretia
+Borgia had been having so animated a discussion that they had
+failed to observe the others crowding about Cleopatra and the
+papers.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image102" href="images/p102b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The committee on treachery is ready to report"
+title=
+"The committee on treachery is ready to report"
+ src="images/p102s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;A little sombre,&rdquo; said Cleopatra.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;The corsage is effective, but I don&rsquo;t like those
+basque terminations.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ve never approved of those
+full godets&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The committee on treachery,&rdquo; remarked Delilah
+again, raising her voice, &ldquo;has a suggestion to
+make.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I can&rsquo;t get over those sleeves, though,&rdquo;
+laughed Helen of Troy.&nbsp; &ldquo;What is the use of
+them?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They might be used to get Greeks into Troy,&rdquo;
+suggested Madame R&eacute;camier.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The committee on treachery,&rdquo; roared Delilah,
+thoroughly angered by the absorption of the chairman and others,
+&ldquo;has a suggestion to make.&nbsp; This is the third and last
+call.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, I beg pardon,&rdquo; cried Cleopatra, rapping for
+order.&nbsp; &ldquo;I had forgotten all about our
+committees.&nbsp; Excuse me, Delilah.&nbsp; I&mdash;ah&mdash;was
+absorbed in other matters.&nbsp; Will you kindly lay your
+pattern&mdash;I should say your plan&mdash;before us?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is briefly this,&rdquo; said Delilah.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;It has been suggested that we invite the crew of this
+vessel to a chafing-dish party, under the supervision of Lucretia
+Borgia, and that she&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The balance of the plan was not outlined, for at this point
+the speaker was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door, its
+instant opening, and the appearance in the doorway of that
+ill-visaged ruffian Captain Kidd.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ladies,&rdquo; he began, &ldquo;I have come here to
+explain to you the situation in which you find yourselves.&nbsp;
+Have I your permission to speak?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The ladies started back, but the chairman was equal to the
+occasion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Go on,&rdquo; said Cleopatra, with queenly dignity,
+turning to the interloper; and the pirate proceeded to take the
+second step in the nefarious plan upon which he and his brother
+ruffians had agreed, of which the tossing in through the window
+of the bundle of fashion papers was the first.</p>
+<h2><a name="page105"></a><span class="pagenum">p.
+105</span>VII<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">THE &ldquo;GEHENNA&rdquo; IS
+CHARTERED</span></h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was about twenty-four hours
+after the events narrated in the preceding chapters that Mr.
+Sherlock Holmes assumed command of the <i>Gehenna</i>, which was
+nothing more nor less than the shadow of the ill-starred ocean
+steamship <i>City of Chicago</i>, which tried some years ago to
+reach Liverpool by taking the overland route through Ireland,
+fortunately without detriment to her passengers and crew, who had
+the pleasure of the experience of shipwreck without any of the
+discomforts of drowning.&nbsp; As will be remembered, the
+obstructionist nature of the Irish soil prevented the <i>City of
+Chicago</i> from proceeding farther inland than was necessary to
+keep her well balanced amidships upon a convenient and not too
+stony bed; and that after a brief sojourn on the rocks she was
+finally disposed of to the Styx Navigation Company, under which
+title Charon had had himself incorporated, is a matter of
+nautical history.&nbsp; The change of name to the <i>Gehenna</i>
+was the act of Charon himself, and was prompted, no doubt, by a
+desire to soften the jealous prejudices of the residents of the
+Stygian capital against the flourishing and ever-growing
+metropolis of Illinois.</p>
+<p>The Associated Shades had had some trouble in getting this
+craft.&nbsp; Charon, through his constant association with life
+on both sides of the dark river, had gained a knowledge, more or
+less intimate, of modern business methods, and while as janitor
+of the club he was subject to the will of the House-boat
+Committee, and sympathized deeply with the members of the
+association in their trouble, as president of the Styx Navigation
+Company he was bound up in certain newly attained commercial
+ideas which were embarrassing to those members of the association
+to whose hands the chartering of a vessel had been committed.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;See here, Charon,&rdquo; Sir Walter Raleigh had said,
+after Charon had expressed himself as deeply sympathetic, but
+unable to shave the terms upon which the vessel could be had,
+&ldquo;you are an infernal old hypocrite.&nbsp; You go about
+wringing your hands over our misfortunes until they&rsquo;ve got
+as dry and flabby as a pair of kid gloves, and yet when we ask
+you for a ship of suitable size and speed to go out after those
+pirates, you become a sort of twin brother to Shylock, without
+his excuse.&nbsp; His instincts are accidents of birth.&nbsp;
+Yours are cultivated, and you know it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter,&rdquo; Charon
+had answered to this.&nbsp; &ldquo;You don&rsquo;t understand my
+position.&nbsp; It is a very hard one.&nbsp; As janitor of your
+club I am really prostrated over the events of the past
+twenty-four hours.&nbsp; My occupation is gone, and my despair
+over your loss is correspondingly greater, for I have time on my
+hands to brood over it.&nbsp; I was hysterical as a woman
+yesterday afternoon&mdash;so hysterical that I came near
+upsetting one of the Furies who engaged me to row her down to
+Madame Medusa&rsquo;s villa last evening; and right at the sluice
+of the vitriol reservoir at that.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image108" href="images/p108b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter"
+title=
+"You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter"
+ src="images/p108s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then why the deuce don&rsquo;t you do something to help
+us?&rdquo; pleaded Hamlet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How can I do any more than I have done?&nbsp;
+I&rsquo;ve offered you the <i>Gehenna</i>,&rdquo; retorted
+Charon.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But on what terms?&rdquo; expostulated Raleigh.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;If we had all the wealth of the Indies we&rsquo;d have
+difficulty in paying you the sums you demand.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But I am only president of the company,&rdquo;
+explained Charon.&nbsp; &ldquo;I&rsquo;d like, as president, to
+show you some courtesy, and I&rsquo;m perfectly willing to do so;
+but when it comes down to giving you a vessel like that,
+I&rsquo;m bound by my official oath to consider the interest of
+the stockholders.&nbsp; It isn&rsquo;t as it used to be when I
+had boats to hire in my own behalf alone.&nbsp; In those days I
+had nobody&rsquo;s interest but my own to look after.&nbsp; Now
+the ships all belong to the Styx Navigation Company.&nbsp;
+Can&rsquo;t you see the difference?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You own all the stock, don&rsquo;t you?&rdquo; insisted
+Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t know,&rdquo; Charon answered,
+blandly.&nbsp; &ldquo;I haven&rsquo;t seen the transfer-books
+lately.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But you know that you did own every share of it, and
+that you haven&rsquo;t sold any, don&rsquo;t you?&rdquo; put in
+Hamlet.</p>
+<p>Charon was puzzled for a moment, but shortly his face cleared,
+and Sir Walter&rsquo;s heart sank, for it was evident that the
+old fellow could not be cornered.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, it&rsquo;s this way, Sir Walter, and your
+Highness,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;I&mdash;I can&rsquo;t say
+whether any of that stock has been transferred or not.&nbsp; The
+fact is, I&rsquo;ve been speculating a little on margin, and
+I&rsquo;ve put up that stock as security, and, for all I know, I
+may have been sold out by my brokers.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ve been so
+upset by this unfortunate occurrence that I haven&rsquo;t seen
+the market reports for two days.&nbsp; Really you&rsquo;ll have
+to be content with my offer or go without the
+<i>Gehenna</i>.&nbsp; There&rsquo;s too much suspicion attached
+to high corporate officials lately for me to yield a jot in the
+position I have taken.&nbsp; It would never do to get you all
+ready to start, and then have an injunction clapped on you by
+some unforeseen stockholder who was not satisfied with the terms
+offered you; nor can I ever let it be said of me that to retain
+my position as janitor of your organization I sacrificed a trust
+committed to my charge.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ll gladly lend you my
+private launch, though I don&rsquo;t think it will aid you much,
+because the naphtha-tank has exploded, and the screw slipped off
+and went to the bottom two weeks ago.&nbsp; Still, it is at your
+service, and I&rsquo;ve no doubt that either Phidias or Benvenuto
+Cellini will carve out a paddle for you if you ask him
+to.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bah!&rdquo; retorted Raleigh.&nbsp; &ldquo;You might as
+well offer us a pair of skates.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I would, if I thought the river&rsquo;d freeze,&rdquo;
+retorted Charon, blandly.</p>
+<p>Raleigh and Hamlet turned away impatiently and left Charon to
+his own devices, which for the time being consisted largely of
+winking his other eye quietly and outwardly making a great show
+of grief.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He&rsquo;s too canny for us, I am afraid,&rdquo; said
+Sir Walter.&nbsp; &ldquo;We&rsquo;ll have to pay him his
+money.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Let us first consult Sherlock Holmes,&rdquo; suggested
+Hamlet, and this they proceeded at once to do.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There is but one thing to be done,&rdquo; observed the
+astute detective after he had heard Sir Walter&rsquo;s statement
+of the case.&nbsp; &ldquo;It is an old saying that one should
+fight fire with fire.&nbsp; We must meet modern business methods
+with modern commercial ideas.&nbsp; Charter his vessel at his own
+price.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But we&rsquo;d never be able to pay,&rdquo; said
+Hamlet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ha-ha!&rdquo; laughed Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;It is
+evident that you know nothing of the laws of trade
+nowadays.&nbsp; Don&rsquo;t pay!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But how can we?&rdquo; asked Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The method is simple.&nbsp; You haven&rsquo;t anything
+to pay with,&rdquo; returned Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;Let him
+sue.&nbsp; Suppose he gets a verdict.&nbsp; You haven&rsquo;t
+anything he can attach&mdash;if you have, make it over to your
+wives or your fianc&eacute;es.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Is that honest?&rdquo; asked Hamlet, shaking his head
+doubtfully.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s business,&rdquo; said Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But suppose he wants an advance payment?&rdquo; queried
+Hamlet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Give him a check drawn to his own order.&nbsp;
+He&rsquo;ll have to endorse it when he deposits it, and that will
+make him responsible,&rdquo; laughed Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What a simple thing when you understand it!&rdquo;
+commented Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very,&rdquo; said Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;Business is
+getting by slow degrees to be an exact science.&nbsp; It reminds
+me of the Brighton mystery, in which I played a modest part some
+ten years ago, when I first took up ferreting as a
+profession.&nbsp; I was sitting one night in my room at one of
+the Brighton hotels, which shall be nameless.&nbsp; I never give
+the name of any of the hotels at which I stop, because it might
+give offence to the proprietors of other hotels, with the result
+that my books would be excluded from sale therein.&nbsp; Suffice
+it to say that I was spending an early summer Sunday at Brighton
+with my friend Watson.&nbsp; We had dined well, and were enjoying
+our evening smoke together upon a small balcony overlooking the
+water, when there came a timid knock on the door of my room.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Watson,&rsquo; said I, &lsquo;here comes some
+one for advice.&nbsp; Do you wish to wager a small bottle upon
+it?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Yes,&rsquo; he answered, with a smile.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;I am thirsty and I&rsquo;d like a small bottle; and while
+I do not expect to win, I&rsquo;ll take the bet.&nbsp; I should
+like to know, though, how you know.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;It is quite simple,&rsquo; said I.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;The timidity of the knock shows that my visitor is one of
+two classes of persons&mdash;an autograph-hunter or a client, one
+of the two.&nbsp; You see I give you a chance to win.&nbsp; It
+may be an autograph-hunter, but I think it is a client.&nbsp; If
+it were a creditor, he would knock boldly, even ostentatiously;
+if it were the maid, she would not knock at all; if it were the
+hall-boy, he would not come until I had rung five times for
+him.&nbsp; None of these things has occurred; the knock is the
+half-hearted knock which betokens either that the person who
+knocked is in trouble, or is uncertain as to his reception.&nbsp;
+I am willing, however, considering the heat and my desire to
+quench my thirst, to wager that it is a client.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Done,&rsquo; said Watson; and I immediately
+remarked, &lsquo;Come in.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The door opened, and a man of about thirty-five years
+of age, in a bathing-suit, entered the room, and I saw at a
+glance what had happened.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Your name is Burgess,&rsquo; I said.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;You came here from London this morning, expecting to
+return to-night.&nbsp; You brought no luggage with you.&nbsp;
+After luncheon you went bathing.&nbsp; You had machine No. 35,
+and when you came out of the water you found that No. 35 had
+disappeared, with your clothes and the silver watch your uncle
+gave you on the day you succeeded to his business.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Of course, gentlemen,&rdquo; observed the detective,
+with a smile at Sir Walter and Hamlet&mdash;&ldquo;of course the
+man fairly gasped, and I continued: &lsquo;You have been lying
+face downward in the sand ever since, waiting for nightfall, so
+that you could come to me for assistance, not considering it good
+form to make an afternoon call upon a stranger at his hotel, clad
+in a bathing-suit.&nbsp; Am I correct?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Sir,&rsquo; he replied, with a look of wonder,
+&lsquo;you have narrated my story exactly as it happened, and I
+find I have made no mistake in coming to you.&nbsp; Would you
+mind telling me what is your course of reasoning?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;It is plain as day,&rsquo; said I.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;I am the person with the red beard with whom you came down
+third class from London this morning, and you told me your name
+was Burgess and that you were a butcher.&nbsp; When you looked to
+see the time, I remarked upon the oddness of your watch, which
+led to your telling me that it was the gift of your
+uncle.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;True,&rsquo; said Burgess, &lsquo;but I did not
+tell you I had no luggage.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;No,&rsquo; said I, &lsquo;but that you
+hadn&rsquo;t is plain; for if you had brought any other clothing
+besides that you had on with you, you would have put it on to
+come here.&nbsp; That you have been robbed I deduce also from
+your costume.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;But the number of the machine?&rsquo; asked
+Watson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Is on the tag on the key hanging about his
+neck,&rsquo; said I.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;One more question,&rsquo; queried Burgess.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;How do you know I have been lying face downward on the
+beach ever since?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;By the sand in your eyebrows,&rsquo; I replied;
+and Watson ordered up the small bottle.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I fail to see what it was in our conversation,
+however,&rdquo; observed Hamlet, somewhat impatient over the
+delay caused by the narration of this tale, &ldquo;that suggested
+this train of thought to you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The sequel will show,&rdquo; returned Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, Lord!&rdquo; put in Raleigh.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Can&rsquo;t we put off the sequel until a later
+issue?&nbsp; Remember, Mr. Holmes, that we are constantly losing
+time.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The sequel is brief, and I can narrate it on our way to
+the office of the Navigation Company,&rdquo; observed the
+detective.&nbsp; &ldquo;When the bottle came I invited Mr.
+Burgess to join us, which he did, and as the hour was late when
+we came to separate, I offered him the use of my parlor
+overnight.&nbsp; This he accepted, and we retired.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The next morning when I arose to dress, the mystery was
+cleared.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You had dreamed its solution?&rdquo; asked Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; replied Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;Burgess had
+disappeared with all my clothing, my false-beard, my suit-case,
+and my watch.&nbsp; The only thing he had left me was the
+bathing-suit and a few empty small bottles.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And why, may I ask,&rdquo; put in Hamlet, as they drew
+near to Charon&rsquo;s office&mdash;&ldquo;why does that case
+remind you of business as it is conducted to-day?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;In this, that it is a good thing to stay out of unless
+you know it all,&rdquo; explained Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;I omitted
+in the case of Burgess to observe one thing about him.&nbsp; Had
+I observed that his nose was rectilinear, incurved, and with a
+lifted base, and that his auricular temporal angle was between 96
+and 97 degrees, I should have known at once that he was an
+impostor <i>Vide</i> Ottolenghui on &lsquo;Ears and Noses I Have
+Met,&rsquo; pp. 631&ndash;640.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Do you mean to say that you can tell a criminal by his
+ears?&rdquo; demanded Hamlet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;If he has any&mdash;yes; but I did not know that at the
+time of the Brighton mystery.&nbsp; Therefore I should have
+stayed out of the case.&nbsp; But here we are.&nbsp;
+Good-morning, Charon.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>By this time the trio had entered the private office of the
+president of the Styx Navigation Company, and in a few moments
+the vessel was chartered at a fabulous price.</p>
+<p>On the return to the wharf, Sir Walter somewhat nervously
+asked Holmes if he thought the plan they had settled upon would
+work.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Charon is a very shrewd old fellow,&rdquo; said
+he.&nbsp; &ldquo;He may outwit us yet.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The chances are just two and one-eighth degrees in your
+favor,&rdquo; observed Holmes, quietly, with a glance at
+Raleigh&rsquo;s ears.&nbsp; &ldquo;The temporal angle of your
+ears is 93.125 degrees, whereas Charon&rsquo;s stand out at 91,
+by my otometer.&nbsp; To that extent your criminal instincts are
+superior to his.&nbsp; If criminology is an exact science,
+reasoning by your respective ears, you ought to beat him out by a
+perceptible though possibly narrow margin.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>With which assurance Raleigh went ahead with his preparations,
+and within twelve hours the <i>Gehenna</i> was under way,
+carrying a full complement of crew and officers, with every
+state-room on board occupied by some spirit of the more
+illustrious kind.</p>
+<p>Even Shylock was on board, though no one knew it, for in the
+dead of night he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank and had
+hidden himself in an empty water-cask in the forecastle.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&rsquo;Tisn&rsquo;t Venice,&rdquo; he said, as he sat
+down and breathed heavily through the bung of the barrel,
+&ldquo;but it&rsquo;s musty and damp enough, and, considering the
+cost, I can&rsquo;t complain.&nbsp; You can&rsquo;t get something
+for nothing, even in Hades.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image118" href="images/p118b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"In the dead of night he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank"
+title=
+"In the dead of night he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank"
+ src="images/p118s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><a name="page121"></a><span class="pagenum">p.
+121</span>VIII<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">ON BOARD THE
+&ldquo;GEHENNA&rdquo;</span></h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the <i>Gehenna</i> had passed
+down the Styx and out through the beautiful Cimmerian Harbor into
+the broad waters of the ocean, and everything was comparatively
+safe for a while at least, Sherlock Holmes came down from the
+bridge, where he had taken his place as the commander of the
+expedition at the moment of departure.&nbsp; His brow was
+furrowed with anxiety, and through his massive forehead his brain
+could be seen to be throbbing violently, and the corrugations of
+his gray matter were not pleasant to witness as he tried vainly
+to squeeze an idea out of them.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What is the matter?&rdquo; asked Demosthenes,
+anxiously.&nbsp; &ldquo;We are not in any danger, are
+we?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; replied Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;But I am
+somewhat puzzled at the bubbles on the surface of the ocean, and
+the ripples which we passed over an hour or two ago, barely
+perceptible through the most powerful microscope, indicate to my
+mind that for some reason at present unknown to me the House-boat
+has changed her course.&nbsp; Take that bubble floating by.&nbsp;
+It is the last expiring bit of aerial agitation of the
+House-boat&rsquo;s wake.&nbsp; Observe whence it comes.&nbsp; Not
+from the Azores quarter, but as if instead of steering a straight
+course thither the House-boat had taken a sharp turn to the
+north-east, and was making for Havre; or, in other words, Paris
+instead of London seems to have become their
+destination.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Demosthenes looked at Holmes with blank amazement, and, to
+keep from stammering out the exclamation of wonder that rose to
+his lips, he opened his <i>bonbonni&egrave;re</i> and swallowed a
+pebble.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You don&rsquo;t happen to have a cocaine tablet in your
+box, do you?&rdquo; queried Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; returned the Greek.&nbsp; &ldquo;Cocaine
+makes me flighty and nervous, but these pebbles sort of ballast
+me and hold me down.&nbsp; How on earth do you know that that
+bubble comes from the wake of the House-boat?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By my chemical knowledge, merely,&rdquo; replied
+Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;A merely worldly vessel leaves a
+phosphorescent bubble in its wake.&nbsp; That one we have just
+discovered is not so, but sulphurescent, if I may coin a word
+which it seems to me the English language is very much in need
+of.&nbsp; It proves, then, that the bubble is a portion of the
+wake of a Stygian craft, and the only Stygian craft that has
+cleared the Cimmerian Harbor for years is the House-boat&mdash;Q.
+E. D.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We can go back until we find the ripple again, and
+follow that, I presume,&rdquo; sneered Le Coq, who did not take
+much stock in the theories of his great rival, largely because he
+was a detective by intuition rather than by study of the
+science.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You can if you want to, but it is better not to,&rdquo;
+rejoined Holmes, simply, as though not observing the sneer,
+&ldquo;because the ripple represents the outer lines of the angle
+of disturbance in the water; and as any one of the sides to an
+angle is greater than the perpendicular from the hypothenuse to
+the apex, you&rsquo;d merely be going the long way.&nbsp; This is
+especially important when you consider the formation of the bow
+of the House-boat, which is rounded like the stern of most
+vessels, and comes near to making a pair of ripples at an angle
+of ninety degrees.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then,&rdquo; observed Sir Walter, with a sigh of
+disappointment, &ldquo;we must change our course and sail for
+Paris?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am afraid so,&rdquo; said Holmes; &ldquo;but of
+course it&rsquo;s by no means certain as yet.&nbsp; I think if
+Columbus would go up into the mizzentop and look about him, he
+might discover something either in confirmation or refutation of
+the theory.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He couldn&rsquo;t discover anything,&rdquo; put in
+Pinzon.&nbsp; &ldquo;He never did.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, I like that!&rdquo; retorted Columbus.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;d like to know who discovered America.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So should I,&rdquo; observed Leif Ericson, with a wink
+at Vespucci.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Tut!&rdquo; retorted Columbus.&nbsp; &ldquo;I did it,
+and the world knows it, whether you claim it or not.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, just as Noah discovered Ararat,&rdquo; replied
+Pinzon.&nbsp; &ldquo;You sat upon the deck until we ran plumb
+into an island, after floating about for three months, and then
+you couldn&rsquo;t tell it from a continent, even when you had it
+right before your eyes.&nbsp; Noah might just as well have told
+his family that he discovered a roof garden as for you to go back
+to Spain telling &rsquo;em all that San Salvador was the United
+States.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, I don&rsquo;t care,&rdquo; said Columbus, with a
+short laugh.&nbsp; &ldquo;I&rsquo;m the one they celebrate, so
+what&rsquo;s the odds?&nbsp; I&rsquo;d rather stay down here in
+the smoking-room enjoying a small game, anyhow, than climb up
+that mast and strain my eyes for ten or a dozen hours looking for
+evidence to prove or disprove the correctness of another
+man&rsquo;s theory.&nbsp; I wouldn&rsquo;t know evidence when I
+saw it, anyhow.&nbsp; Send Judge Blackstone.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I draw the line at the mizzentop,&rdquo; observed
+Blackstone.&nbsp; &ldquo;The dignity of the bench must and shall
+be preserved, and I&rsquo;ll never consent to climb up that
+rigging, getting pitch and paint on my ermine, no matter who asks
+me to go.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image126" href="images/p126b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Judge Blackstone refuses to climb to the mizzentop"
+title=
+"Judge Blackstone refuses to climb to the mizzentop"
+ src="images/p126s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Whomsoever I tell to go, shall go,&rdquo; put in
+Holmes, firmly.&nbsp; &ldquo;I am commander of this ship.&nbsp;
+It will pay you to remember that, Judge Blackstone.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And I am the Court of Appeals,&rdquo; retorted
+Blackstone, hotly.&nbsp; &ldquo;Bear that in mind, captain, when
+you try to send me up.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ll issue a writ of <i>habeas
+corpus</i> on my own body, and commit you for
+contempt.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There&rsquo;s no use of sending the Judge,
+anyhow,&rdquo; said Raleigh, fearing by the glitter that came
+into the eye of the commander that trouble might ensue unless
+pacificatory measures were resorted to.&nbsp; &ldquo;He&rsquo;s
+accustomed to weighing everything carefully, and cannot be rushed
+into a decision.&nbsp; If he saw any evidence, he&rsquo;d have to
+sit on it a week before reaching a conclusion.&nbsp; What we need
+here more than anything else is an expert seaman, a lookout, and
+I nominate Shem.&nbsp; He has sailed under his father, and I have
+it on good authority that he is a nautical expert.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Holmes hesitated for an instant.&nbsp; He was considering the
+necessity of disciplining the recalcitrant Blackstone, but he
+finally yielded.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well,&rdquo; he said.&nbsp; &ldquo;Shem be
+it.&nbsp; Bo&rsquo;sun, pipe Shem on deck, and tell him that
+general order number one requires him to report at the mizzentop
+right away, and that immediately he sees anything he shall come
+below and make it known to me.&nbsp; As for the rest of us,
+having a very considerable appetite, I do now decree that it is
+dinner-time.&nbsp; Shall we go below?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think I care for any, thank you,&rdquo;
+said Raleigh.&nbsp; &ldquo;Fact is&mdash;ah&mdash;I dined last
+week, and am not hungry.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Noah laughed.&nbsp; &ldquo;Oh, come below and watch us eat,
+then,&rdquo; he said.&nbsp; &ldquo;It&rsquo;ll do you
+good.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>But there was no reply.&nbsp; Raleigh had plunged head first
+into his state-room, which fortunately happened to be on the
+upper deck.&nbsp; The rest of the spirits repaired below to the
+saloon, where they were soon engaged in an animated discussion of
+such viands as the larder provided.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This,&rdquo; said Dr. Johnson, from the head of the
+table, &ldquo;is what I call comfort.&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t know
+that I am so anxious to recover the House-boat, after
+all.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nor I,&rdquo; said Socrates, &ldquo;with a ship like
+this to go off cruising on, and with such a larder.&nbsp; Look at
+the thickness of that puree, Doctor&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Excuse me,&rdquo; said Boswell, faintly, &ldquo;but
+I&mdash;I&rsquo;ve left my note&mdash;bub&mdash;book upstairs,
+Doctor, and I&rsquo;d like to go up and get it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Certainly,&rdquo; said Dr. Johnson.&nbsp; &ldquo;I
+judge from your color, which is highly suggestive of a modern
+magazine poster, that it might be well too if you stayed on deck
+for a little while and made a few entries in your commonplace
+book.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thank you,&rdquo; said Boswell, gratefully.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Shall you say anything clever during dinner, sir?&nbsp; If
+so, I might be putting it down while I&rsquo;m
+up&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Get out!&rdquo; roared the Doctor.&nbsp; &ldquo;Get up
+as high as you can&mdash;get up with Shem on the
+mizzentop&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image128" href="images/p128b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Shem in the look-out"
+title=
+"Shem in the look-out"
+ src="images/p128s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very good, sir,&rdquo; replied Boswell, and he was
+off.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You ought to be more lenient with him, Doctor,&rdquo;
+said Bonaparte; &ldquo;he means well.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I know it,&rdquo; observed Johnson; &ldquo;but
+he&rsquo;s so very previous.&nbsp; Last winter, at
+Chaucer&rsquo;s dinner to Burns, I made a speech, which Boswell
+printed a week before it was delivered, with the words
+&lsquo;laughter&rsquo; and &lsquo;uproarious applause&rsquo;
+interspersed through it.&nbsp; It placed me in a false
+position.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How did he know what you were going to say?&rdquo;
+queried Demosthenes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t know,&rdquo; replied Johnson.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Kind of mind-reader, I fancy,&rdquo; he added, blushing a
+trifle.&nbsp; &ldquo;But, Captain Holmes, what do you deduce from
+your observation of the wake of the House-boat?&nbsp; If
+she&rsquo;s going to Paris, why the change?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I have two theories,&rdquo; replied the detective.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Which is always safe,&rdquo; said Le Coq.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Always; it doubles your chances of success,&rdquo;
+acquiesced Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;Anyhow, it gives you a choice,
+which makes it more interesting.&nbsp; The change of her course
+from Londonward to Parisward proves to me either that Kidd is not
+satisfied with the extent of the revenge he has already taken,
+and wishes to ruin you gentlemen financially by turning your
+wives, daughters, and sisters loose on the Parisian shops, or
+that the pirates have themselves been overthrown by the ladies,
+who have decided to prolong their cruise and get some fun out of
+their misfortune.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And where else than to Paris would any one in search of
+pleasure go?&rdquo; asked Bonaparte.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I had more fun a few miles outside of Brussels,&rdquo;
+said Wellington, with a sly wink at Washington.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, let up on that!&rdquo; retorted Bonaparte.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;It wasn&rsquo;t you beat me at Waterloo.&nbsp; You
+couldn&rsquo;t have beaten me at a plain ordinary game of
+old-maid with a stacked pack of cards, much less in the game of
+war, if you hadn&rsquo;t had the elements with you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Tut!&rdquo; snapped Wellington.&nbsp; &ldquo;It was
+clear science laid you out, Boney.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Taisey-voo!&rdquo; shouted the irate Corsican.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Clear science be hanged!&nbsp; Wet science was what did
+it.&nbsp; If it hadn&rsquo;t been for the rain, my little Duke, I
+should have been in London within a week, my grenadiers would
+have been camping in your Rue Peekadeely, and the Old Guard all
+over everywhere else.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You must have had a gay army, then,&rdquo; laughed
+C&aelig;sar.&nbsp; &ldquo;What are French soldiers made of, that
+they can&rsquo;t stand the wet&mdash;unshrunk linen or
+flannel?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bah!&rdquo; observed Napoleon, shrugging his shoulders
+and walking a few paces away.&nbsp; &ldquo;You do not understand
+the French.&nbsp; The Frenchman is not a pell-mell soldier like
+you Romans; he is the poet of arms; he does not go in for glory
+at the expense of his dignity; style, form, is dearer to him than
+honor, and he has no use for fighting in the wet and coming out
+of the fight conspicuous as a victor with the curl out of his
+feathers and his epaulets rusted with the damp.&nbsp; There is no
+glory in water.&nbsp; But if we had had umbrellas and
+mackintoshes, as every Englishman who comes to the Continent
+always has, and a bath-tub for everybody, then would your
+Waterloo have been different again, and the great democracy of
+Europe with a Bonaparte for emperor would have been founded for
+what the Americans call the keeps; and as for your little Great
+Britain, ha! she would have become the Blackwell&rsquo;s Island
+of the Greater France.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You&rsquo;re almost as funny as Punch
+isn&rsquo;t,&rdquo; drawled Wellington, with an angry gesture at
+Bonaparte.&nbsp; &ldquo;You weren&rsquo;t within telephoning
+distance of victory all day.&nbsp; We simply played with you, my
+boy.&nbsp; It was a regular game of golf for us.&nbsp; We let you
+keep up pretty close and win a few holes, but on the home drive
+we had you beaten in one stroke.&nbsp; Go to, my dear Bonaparte,
+and stop talking about the flood.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s a lucky thing for us that Noah wasn&rsquo;t
+a Frenchman, eh?&rdquo; said Frederick the Great.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;How that rain would have fazed him if he had been!&nbsp;
+The human race would have been wiped out.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, pshaw!&rdquo; ejaculated Noah, deprecating the
+unseemliness of the quarrel, and putting his arm affectionately
+about Bonaparte&rsquo;s shoulder.&nbsp; &ldquo;When you come down
+to that, I was French&mdash;as French as one could be in those
+days&mdash;and these Gallic subjects of my friend here were,
+every one of &rsquo;em, my lineal descendants, and their hatred
+of rain was inherited directly from me, their
+ancestor.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Are not we English as much your descendants?&rdquo;
+queried Wellington, arching his eyebrows.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You are,&rdquo; said Noah, &ldquo;but you take after
+Mrs. Noah more than after me.&nbsp; Water never fazes a woman,
+and your delight in tubs is an essentially feminine trait.&nbsp;
+The first thing Mrs. Noah carried aboard was a laundry outfit,
+and then she went back for rugs and coats and all sorts of
+hand-baggage.&nbsp; Gad, it makes me laugh to this day when I
+think of it!&nbsp; She looked for all the world like an
+Englishman travelling on the Continent as she walked up the
+gang-plank behind the elephants, each elephant with a Gladstone
+bag in his trunk and a hat-box tied to his tail.&rdquo;&nbsp;
+Here the venerable old weather-prophet winked at Munchausen, and
+the little quarrel which had been imminent passed off in a
+general laugh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Where&rsquo;s Boswell?&nbsp; He ought to get that
+anecdote,&rdquo; said Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve locked him up in the library,&rdquo; said
+Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;He&rsquo;s in charge of the log, and as I
+have a pretty good general idea as to what is about to happen, I
+have mapped out a skeleton of the plot and set him to work
+writing it up.&rdquo;&nbsp; Here the detective gave a sudden
+start, placed his hand to his ear, listened intently for an
+instant, and, taking out his watch and glancing at it, added,
+quietly, &ldquo;In three minutes Shem will be in here to announce
+a discovery, and one of great importance, I judge, from the
+squeak.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The assemblage gazed earnestly at Holmes for a moment.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The squeak?&rdquo; queried Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Precisely,&rdquo; said Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;The squeak
+is what I said, and as I always say what I mean, it follows
+logically that I meant what I said.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I heard no squeak,&rdquo; observed Dr. Johnson;
+&ldquo;and, furthermore, I fail to see how a squeak, if I had
+heard it, would have portended a discovery of
+importance.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It would not&mdash;to you,&rdquo; said Holmes;
+&ldquo;but with me it is different.&nbsp; My hearing is unusually
+acute.&nbsp; I can hear the dropping of a pin through a stone
+wall ten feet thick; any sound within a mile of my eardrum
+vibrates thereon with an intensity which would surprise you, and
+it is by the use of cocaine that I have acquired this wonderfully
+acute sense.&nbsp; A property which dulls the senses of most
+people renders mine doubly apprehensive; therefore, gentlemen,
+while to you there was no auricular disturbance, to me there
+was.&nbsp; I heard Shem sliding down the mast a minute
+since.&nbsp; The fact that he slid down the mast instead of
+climbing down the rigging showed that he was in great haste,
+therefore he must have something to communicate of great
+importance.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why isn&rsquo;t he here already, then?&nbsp; It
+wouldn&rsquo;t take him two minutes to get from the deck
+here,&rdquo; asked the ever-auspicious Le Coq.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is simple,&rdquo; returned Holmes, calmly.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;If you will go yourself and slide down that mast you will
+see.&nbsp; Shem has stopped for a little witch-hazel to soothe
+his burns.&nbsp; It is no cool matter sliding down a mast two
+hundred feet in height.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As Sherlock Holmes spoke the door burst open and Shem rushed
+in.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A signal of distress, captain!&rdquo; he cried.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;From what quarter&mdash;to larboard?&rdquo; asked
+Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&rdquo; returned Shem, breathless.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then it must be dead ahead,&rdquo; said Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why not to starboard?&rdquo; asked Le Coq, dryly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Because,&rdquo; answered Holmes, confidently, &ldquo;it
+never happens so.&nbsp; If you had ever read a truly exciting
+sea-tale, my dear Le Coq, you would have known that interesting
+things, and particularly signals of distress, are never seen
+except to larboard or dead ahead.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A murmur of applause greeted this retort, and Le Coq
+subsided.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The nature of the signal?&rdquo; demanded Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A black flag, skull and cross-bones down, at
+half-mast!&rdquo; cried Shem, &ldquo;and on a rock-bound
+coast!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They&rsquo;re marooned, by heavens!&rdquo; shouted
+Holmes, springing to his feet and rushing to the deck, where he
+was joined immediately by Sir Walter, Dr. Johnson, Bonaparte, and
+the others.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t he a daisy?&rdquo; whispered Demosthenes to
+Diogenes as they climbed the stairs.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He is more than that; he&rsquo;s a blooming
+orchid,&rdquo; said Diogenes, with intense enthusiasm.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;I think I&rsquo;ll get my X-ray lantern and see if
+he&rsquo;s honest.&rdquo;</p>
+<h2><a name="page139"></a><span class="pagenum">p.
+139</span>IX<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN
+OBSTACLE</span></h2>
+<p>&ldquo;<span class="smcap">Excuse</span> me, your
+Majesty,&rdquo; remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra accorded
+permission to Captain Kidd to speak, &ldquo;I have not been
+introduced to this gentleman nor has he been presented to me, and
+I really cannot consent to any proceeding so irregular as
+this.&nbsp; I do not speak to gentlemen I have not met, nor do I
+permit them to address me.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hear, hear!&rdquo; cried Xanthippe.&nbsp; &ldquo;I
+quite agree with the principle of my young friend from
+Troy.&nbsp; It may be that when we claimed for ourselves all the
+rights of men that the right to speak and be spoken to by other
+men without an introduction will included in the list, but I for
+one have no desire to avail myself of the privilege, especially
+when it&rsquo;s a horrid-looking man like this.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of
+the ladies fainted.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I will withdraw,&rdquo; he said, turning to Cleopatra;
+and it must be said that his suggestion was prompted by his
+heartfelt wish, for now that he found himself thus conspicuously
+brought before so many women, with falsehood on his lips, his
+courage began to ooze.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not yet, please,&rdquo; answered the chairlady.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;I imagine we can get about this difficulty without much
+trouble.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think it a perfectly proper objection too,&rdquo;
+observed Delilah, rising.&nbsp; &ldquo;If we ever needed
+etiquette we need it now.&nbsp; But I have a plan which will
+obviate any further difficulty.&nbsp; If there is no one among us
+who is sufficiently well acquainted with the gentleman to present
+him formally to us, I will for the time being take upon myself
+the office of ship&rsquo;s barber and cut his hair.&nbsp; I
+understand that it is quite the proper thing for barbers to talk,
+while cutting their hair, to persons to whom they have not been
+introduced.&nbsp; And, besides, he really needs a hair-cut
+badly.&nbsp; Thus I shall establish an acquaintance with the
+captain, after which I can with propriety introduce him to the
+rest of you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to
+that,&rdquo; put in Queen Elizabeth.&nbsp; &ldquo;If I remember
+rightly, your last customer was very much dissatisfied with the
+trim you gave him.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah
+proposes,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, with a kindly smile, as she rose
+up from the corner in which she had been sitting, an interested
+listener.&nbsp; &ldquo;I can introduce the gentleman to you all
+with perfect propriety.&nbsp; He&rsquo;s a member of my
+family.&nbsp; His grandfather was the great-grandson a thousand
+and eight times removed of my son Shem&rsquo;s great-grandnephew
+on his father&rsquo;s side.&nbsp; His relationship to me is
+therefore obvious, though from what I know of his reputation I
+think he takes more after my husband&rsquo;s ancestors than my
+own.&nbsp; Willie, dear, these ladies are friends of mine.&nbsp;
+Ladies, this young man is one of my most famous
+descendants.&nbsp; He has been a man of many adventures, and he
+has been hanged once, which, far from making him undesirable as
+an acquaintance, has served merely to render him harmless, and
+therefore a safe person to know.&nbsp; Now, my son, go ahead and
+speak your piece.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the
+objectors having thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Now that I know you all,&rdquo; he remarked, as
+pleasantly as he could under the circumstances, &ldquo;I feel
+that I can speak more freely, and certainly with a great deal
+less embarrassment than if I were addressing a gathering of
+entire strangers.&nbsp; I am not much of a hand at speaking, and
+have always felt somewhat nonplussed at finding myself in a
+position of this nature.&nbsp; In my whole career I never
+experienced but one irresistible impulse to make a public address
+of any length, and that was upon that unhappy occasion to which
+the greatest and grandest of my great-grandmothers has alluded,
+and that only as the chain by which I was suspended in mid-air
+tightened about my vocal chords.&nbsp; At that moment I could
+have talked impromptu for a year, so fast and numerously did
+thoughts of the uttermost import surge upward into my brain; but
+circumstances over which I had no control prevented the utterance
+of those thoughts, and that speech is therefore lost to the
+world.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He has the gift of continuity,&rdquo; observed Madame
+R&eacute;camier.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ought to be in the United States Senate,&rdquo; smiled
+Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is
+outrageously handsome or desperately ugly,&rdquo; remarked Helen
+of Troy.&nbsp; &ldquo;He fascinates me, but whether it is the
+fascination of liking or of horror I can&rsquo;t tell, and
+it&rsquo;s quite important.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ladies,&rdquo; resumed the captain, his uneasiness
+increasing as he came to the point, &ldquo;I am but the agent of
+your respective husbands, <i>fianc&eacute;s</i>, and other
+masculine guardians.&nbsp; The gentlemen who were previously the
+tenants of this club-house have delegated to me the important,
+and I may add highly agreeable, task of showing you the
+world.&nbsp; They have noted of late years the growth of that
+feeling of unrest which is becoming every day more and more
+conspicuous in feminine circles in all parts of the
+universe&mdash;on the earth, where women are clamoring to vote,
+and to be allowed to go out late at night without an escort, in
+Hades, where, as you are no doubt aware, the management of the
+government has fallen almost wholly into the hands of the Furies;
+and even in the halls of Jupiter himself, where, I am credibly
+informed, Juno has been taking private lessons in the art of
+hurling thunderbolts&mdash;information which the extraordinary
+quality of recent electrical storms on the earth would seem to
+confirm.&nbsp; Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither
+and yon in a most erratic fashion, striking where they were least
+expected, as those of you who keep in touch with the outer world
+must be fully aware.&nbsp; Now, actuated by their usual broad and
+liberal motives, the men of Hades wish to meet the views of you
+ladies to just that extent that your views are based upon a wise
+selection, in turn based upon experience, and they have come to
+me and in so many words have said, &lsquo;Mr. Kidd, we wish the
+women of Hades to see the world.&nbsp; We want them to be
+satisfied.&nbsp; We do not like this constantly increasing spirit
+of unrest.&nbsp; We, who have seen all the life that we care to
+see, do not ourselves feel equal to the task of showing them
+about.&nbsp; We will pay you liberally if you will take our
+House-boat, which they have always been anxious to enter, and
+personally conduct our beloved ones to Paris, London, and
+elsewhere.&nbsp; Let them see as much of life as they can
+stand.&nbsp; Accord them every privilege.&nbsp; Spare no expense;
+only bring them back again to us safe and sound.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+These were their words, ladies.&nbsp; I asked them why they
+didn&rsquo;t come along themselves, saying that even if they were
+tired of it all, they should make some personal sacrifice to your
+comfort; and they answered, reasonably and well, that they would
+be only too glad to do so, but that they feared they might
+unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon
+you.&nbsp; &lsquo;We want them to feel absolutely free, Captain
+Kidd,&rsquo; said they, &lsquo;and if we are along they may not
+feel so.&rsquo;&nbsp; The answer was convincing, ladies, and I
+accepted the commission.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But we knew nothing of all this,&rdquo; interposed
+Elizabeth.&nbsp; &ldquo;The subject was not broached to us by our
+husbands, brothers, <i>fianc&eacute;s</i>, or fathers.&nbsp; My
+brother, Sir Walter Raleigh&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Cleopatra chuckled.&nbsp; &ldquo;Brother!&nbsp;
+Brother&rsquo;s good,&rdquo; she said.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, that&rsquo;s what he is,&rdquo; retorted
+Elizabeth, quickly.&nbsp; &ldquo;I promised to be a sister to
+him, and I&rsquo;m going to keep my word.&nbsp; That&rsquo;s the
+kind of a queen I am.&nbsp; I was about to remark,&rdquo;
+Elizabeth added, turning to the captain, &ldquo;that my brother,
+Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at any such plan, and
+usually he asked my advice in matters of so great
+importance.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is easily accounted for, madame,&rdquo; retorted
+Kidd.&nbsp; &ldquo;Sir Walter intended this as a little surprise
+for you, that is all.&nbsp; The arrangements were all placed in
+his hands, and it was he who bound us all to secrecy.&nbsp; None
+of the ladies were to be informed of it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It does not sound altogether plausible,&rdquo;
+interposed Portia.&nbsp; &ldquo;If you ladies do not object, I
+should like to cross-examine
+this&mdash;ah&mdash;gentleman.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Kidd paled visibly.&nbsp; He was not prepared for any such
+trial; however, he put as good a face on the matter as he could,
+and announced his willingness to answer any questions that he
+might be asked.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image148" href="images/p148b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Captain Kidd consents to be cross-examined by Portia"
+title=
+"Captain Kidd consents to be cross-examined by Portia"
+ src="images/p148s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Shall we put him under oath?&rdquo; asked
+Cleopatra.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;As you please, ladies,&rdquo; said the pirate.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;A pirate&rsquo;s word is as good as his bond; but
+I&rsquo;ll take an oath if you choose&mdash;a half-dozen of
+&rsquo;em, if need be.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I fancy we can get along without that,&rdquo; said
+Portia.&nbsp; &ldquo;Now, Captain Kidd, who first proposed this
+plan?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Socrates,&rdquo; said Kidd, unblushingly with a sly
+glance at Xanthippe.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What?&rdquo; cried Xanthippe.&nbsp; &ldquo;My husband
+propose anything that would contribute to my pleasure or
+intellectual advancement?&nbsp; Bah!&nbsp; Your story is
+transparently false at the outset.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nevertheless,&rdquo; said Kidd, &ldquo;the scheme was
+proposed by Socrates.&nbsp; He said a trip of that kind for
+Xanthippe would be very restful and health-giving.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;For me?&rdquo; cried Xanthippe, sceptically.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No, madame, for him,&rdquo; retorted Kidd.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ah&mdash;ho-ho!&nbsp; That&rsquo;s the way of it,
+eh?&rdquo; said Xanthippe, flushing to the roots of her
+hair.&nbsp; &ldquo;Very likely.&nbsp; You&mdash;ah&mdash;you will
+excuse my doubting your word, Captain Kidd, a moment since.&nbsp;
+I withdraw my remark, and in order to make fullest reparation, I
+beg to assure these ladies that I am now perfectly convinced that
+you are telling the truth.&nbsp; That last observation is just
+like my husband, and when I get back home again, if I ever do,
+well&mdash;ha, ha!&mdash;we&rsquo;ll have a merry time,
+that&rsquo;s all.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And what was&mdash;ah&mdash;Bassanio&rsquo;s connection
+with this affair?&rdquo; added Portia, hesitatingly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He was not informed of it,&rdquo; said Kidd,
+archly.&nbsp; &ldquo;I am not acquainted with Bassanio, my lady,
+but I overheard Sir Walter enjoining upon the others the absolute
+necessity of keeping the whole affair from Bassanio, because he
+was afraid he would not consent to it.&nbsp; &lsquo;Bassanio has
+a most beautiful wife, gentlemen,&rsquo; said Sir Walter,
+&lsquo;and he wouldn&rsquo;t think of parting with her under any
+circumstances; therefore let us keep our intentions a secret from
+him.&rsquo;&nbsp; I did not hear whom the gentleman married,
+madame; but the others, Prince Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham,
+and Louis the Fourteenth, all agreed that Mrs. Bassanio was too
+beautiful a person to be separated from, and that it was better,
+therefore, to keep Bassanio in the dark as to their little
+enterprise until it was too late for him to interfere.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of the
+cross-examiner, and it did not require a very sharp eye to see
+that the wily Kidd had completely won her over to his side.&nbsp;
+On the other hand, Elizabeth&rsquo;s brow became as corrugated as
+her ruff, and the spirit of the pirate shivered to the core as he
+turned and gazed upon that glowering face.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?&rdquo; snapped
+Elizabeth.&nbsp; &ldquo;And yet he was willing to part
+with&mdash;ah&mdash;his sister.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, your Majesty,&rdquo; began Kidd, hesitatingly,
+&ldquo;you see it was this way: Sir Walter&mdash;er&mdash;did say
+that, but&mdash;ah&mdash;he&mdash;ah&mdash;but he added that he
+of course merely judged&mdash;er&mdash;this man Bassanio&rsquo;s
+feelings by his own in parting from his sister&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Did he say sister?&rdquo; cried Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well&mdash;no&mdash;not in those words,&rdquo; shuffled
+Kidd, perceiving quickly wherein his error lay,
+&ldquo;but&mdash;ah&mdash;I jumped at the conclusion, seeing his
+intense enthusiasm for the lady&rsquo;s beauty
+and&mdash;er&mdash;intellectual qualities, that he referred to
+you, and it is from yourself that I have gained my knowledge as
+to the fraternal, not to say sororal, relationship that exists
+between you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That man&rsquo;s a diplomat from Diplomaville!&rdquo;
+muttered Sir Henry Morgan, who, with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was
+listening at the port without.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He is that,&rdquo; said Abeuchapeta, &ldquo;but he
+can&rsquo;t last much longer.&nbsp; He&rsquo;s perspiring like a
+pitcher of ice-water on a hot day, and a spirit of his size and
+volatile nature can&rsquo;t stand much of that without
+evaporating.&nbsp; If you will observe him closely you will see
+that his left arm already has vanished into thin air.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By Jove!&rdquo; whispered Conrad, &ldquo;that&rsquo;s a
+fact!&nbsp; If they don&rsquo;t let up on him he&rsquo;ll
+vanish.&nbsp; He&rsquo;s getting excessively tenuous about the
+top of his head.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>All of which was only too true.&nbsp; Subjected to a scrutiny
+which he had little expected, the deceitful ambassador of the
+thieving band was rapidly dissipating, and, as those without had
+so fearsomely noted, was in imminent danger of complete
+sublimation, which, in the case of one possessed of so little
+elementary purity, meant nothing short of annihilation.&nbsp;
+Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful tact had stemmed the
+tide of suspicion.&nbsp; Elizabeth was satisfied with his
+explanation, and in the minds of at least three of the most
+influential ladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he
+had become a creature worthy of credence, which meant that he had
+nothing more to fear.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am prepared, your Majesty,&rdquo; said Elizabeth,
+addressing Cleopatra, &ldquo;to accept from this time on the
+gentleman&rsquo;s word.&nbsp; The little that he has already told
+us is hall-marked with truth.&nbsp; I should like to ask,
+however, one more question, and that is how our gentleman friends
+expected to embark us upon this voyage without letting us into
+the secret?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, as for that,&rdquo; replied Kidd, with a deep-drawn
+sigh of relief, for he too had noticed the gradual evaporation of
+his arm and the incipient etherization of his
+cranium&mdash;&ldquo;as for that, it was simple enough.&nbsp;
+There was to have been a day set apart for ladies&rsquo; day at
+the club, and when you were all on board we were quietly to weigh
+anchor and start.&nbsp; The fact that you had anticipated the
+day, of your own volition, was telephoned by my scouts to me at
+my headquarters, and that news was by me transmitted by messenger
+to Sir Walter at Charon&rsquo;s Glen Island, where the
+long-talked-of fight between Samson and Goliath was taking
+place.&nbsp; Raleigh immediately replied,
+&lsquo;<i>Good</i>!&nbsp; <i>Start at once</i>.&nbsp; <i>Paris
+first</i>.&nbsp; <i>Unlimited credit</i>.&nbsp; <i>Love to
+Elizabeth</i>.&rsquo;&nbsp; Wherefore, ladies,&rdquo; he added,
+rising from his chair and walking to the
+door&mdash;&ldquo;wherefore you are here and in my care.&nbsp;
+Make yourselves comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion
+papers which you have already received prepare yourselves for the
+joys that await you.&nbsp; With the aid of Madame R&eacute;camier
+and Baedeker&rsquo;s <i>Paris</i>, which you will find in the
+library, it will be your own fault if when you arrive there you
+resemble a great many less fortunate women who don&rsquo;t know
+what they want.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and
+fainted in the arms of Sir Henry Morgan.&nbsp; The strain upon
+him had been too great.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A charming fellow,&rdquo; said Portia, as the pirate
+disappeared.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Most attractive,&rdquo; said Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Handsome, too, don&rsquo;t you think?&rdquo; asked
+Helen of Troy.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And truthful beyond peradventure,&rdquo; observed
+Xanthippe, as she reflected upon the words the captain had
+attributed to Socrates.&nbsp; &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t believe him
+at first, but when he told me what my sweet-tempered philosopher
+had said, I was convinced.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He&rsquo;s a sweet child,&rdquo; interposed Mrs. Noah,
+fondly.&nbsp; &ldquo;One of my favorite grandchildren.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Which makes it embarrassing for me to say,&rdquo; cried
+Cassandra, starting up angrily, &ldquo;that he is a base
+caitiff!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could
+not have created a greater sensation than the words of
+Cassandra.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What?&rdquo; cried several voices at once.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;A caitiff?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A caitiff with a capital K,&rdquo; retorted
+Cassandra.&nbsp; &ldquo;I know that, because while he was telling
+his story I was listening to it with one ear and looking forward
+into the middle of next week with the other&mdash;I mean the
+other eye&mdash;and I saw&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, you saw?&rdquo; cried Cleopatra.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I saw that he was deceiving us.&nbsp; Mark my words,
+ladies, he is a base caitiff,&rdquo; replied
+Cassandra&mdash;&ldquo;a base caitiff.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What did you see?&rdquo; cried Elizabeth,
+excitedly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This,&rdquo; said Cassandra, and she began a narration
+of future events which I must defer to the next chapter.&nbsp;
+Meanwhile his associates were endeavoring to restore the
+evaporated portions of the prostrated Kidd&rsquo;s spirit anatomy
+by the use of a steam-atomizer, but with indifferent
+success.&nbsp; Kidd&rsquo;s training had not fitted him for an
+intellectual combat with superior women, and he suffered
+accordingly.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image154" href="images/p154b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"Kidd&rsquo;s companions endeavouring to restore evaporating
+portions of his anatomy with a steam-atomizer"
+title=
+"Kidd&rsquo;s companions endeavouring to restore evaporating
+portions of his anatomy with a steam-atomizer"
+ src="images/p154s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<h2><a name="page157"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 157</span>X<br
+/>
+<span class="GutSmall">A WARNING ACCEPTED</span></h2>
+<p>&ldquo;<span class="smcap">It</span> is with no desire to
+interrupt my friend Cassandra unnecessarily,&rdquo; said Mrs.
+Noah, as the prophetess was about to narrate her story,
+&ldquo;that I rise to beg her to remember that, as an ancestress
+of Captain Kidd, I hope she will spare a grandmother&rsquo;s
+feelings, if anything in the story she is about to tell is
+improper to be placed before the young.&nbsp; I have been so
+shocked by the stories of perfidy and baseness generally that
+have been published of late years, that I would interpose a
+protest while there is yet time if there is a line in
+Cassandra&rsquo;s story which ought to be withheld from the
+public; a protest based upon my affection for posterity, and in
+the interests of morality everywhere.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You may rest easy upon that score, my dear Mrs.
+Noah,&rdquo; said the prophetess.&nbsp; &ldquo;What I have to say
+would commend itself, I am sure, even to the ears of a British
+matron; and while it is as complete a demonstration of
+man&rsquo;s perfidy as ever was, it is none the less as harmless
+a little tale as the Dottie Dimple books or any other more recent
+study of New England character.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thank you for the load your words have lifted from my
+mind,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, settling back in her chair, a
+satisfied expression upon her gentle countenance.&nbsp; &ldquo;I
+hope you will understand why I spoke, and withal why modern
+literature generally has been so distressful to me.&nbsp; When
+you reflect that the world is satisfied that most of man&rsquo;s
+criminal instincts are the result of heredity, and that Mr. Noah
+and I are unable to shift the responsibility for posterity to
+other shoulders than our own, you will understand my
+position.&nbsp; We were about the most domestic old couple that
+ever lived, and when we see the long and varied assortment of
+crimes that are cropping out everywhere in our descendants it is
+painful to us to realize what a pair of unconsciously wicked old
+fogies we must have been.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We all understand that,&rdquo; said Cleopatra, kindly;
+&ldquo;and we are all prepared to acquit you of any
+responsibility for the advanced condition of wickedness
+to-day.&nbsp; Man has progressed since your time, my dear
+grandma, and the modern improvements in the science of crime are
+no more attributable to you than the invention of the telephone
+or the oyster cocktail is attributable to your
+husband.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thank you kindly,&rdquo; murmured the old lady, and she
+resumed her knitting upon a phantom tam-o&rsquo;-shanter, which
+she was making as a Christmas surprise for her husband.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;When Captain Kidd began his story,&rdquo; said
+Cassandra, &ldquo;he made one very bad mistake, and yet one which
+was prompted by that courtesy which all men instinctively adopt
+when addressing women.&nbsp; When he entered the room he removed
+his hat, and therein lay his fatal error, if he wished to
+convince me of the truth of his story, for with his hat removed I
+could see the workings of his mind.&nbsp; While you ladies were
+watching his lips or his eyes, some of you taking in the gorgeous
+details of his dress, all of you hanging upon his every word, I
+kept my eye fixed firmly upon his imagination, and I saw, what
+you did not, <i>that he was drawing wholly upon
+that</i>!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How extraordinary!&rdquo; cried Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes&mdash;and fortunate,&rdquo; said Cassandra.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Had I not done so, a week hence we should, every one of
+us, have been lost in the surging wickedness of the city of
+Paris.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But, Cassandra,&rdquo; said Trilby, who was anxious to
+return once more to the beautiful city by the Seine, &ldquo;he
+told us we were going to Paris.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image160" href="images/p160b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"He told us we were going to Paris"
+title=
+"He told us we were going to Paris"
+ src="images/p160s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Of course he did,&rdquo; said Madame R&eacute;camier,
+&ldquo;and in so many words.&nbsp; Certainly he was not drawing
+upon his imagination there.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And one might be lost in a very much worse
+place,&rdquo; put in Marguerite de Valois, &ldquo;if, indeed, it
+were possible to lose us in Paris at all.&nbsp; I fancy that I
+know enough about Paris to find my way about.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Humph!&rdquo; ejaculated Cassandra.&nbsp; &ldquo;What a
+foolish little thing you are!&nbsp; You don&rsquo;t imagine that
+the Paris of to-day is the Paris of your time, or even the Paris
+of that sweet child Trilby&rsquo;s time, do you?&nbsp; If you do
+you are very much mistaken.&nbsp; I almost wish I had not warned
+you of your danger and had let you go, just to see those eyes of
+yours open with amazement at the change.&nbsp; You&rsquo;d find
+your Louvre a very different sort of a place from what it used to
+be, my dear lady.&nbsp; Those pleasing little windows through
+which your relations were wont in olden times to indulge in
+target practice at people who didn&rsquo;t go to their church are
+now kept closed; the galleries which used to swarm with people,
+many of whom ought to have been hanged, now swarm with pictures,
+many of which ought not to have been hung; the romance which
+clung about its walls is as much a part of the dead past as
+yourselves, and were you to materialize suddenly therein you
+would find yourselves jostled and hustled and trodden upon by the
+curious from other lands, with Argus eyes taking in five hundred
+pictures a minute, and traversing those halls at a rate of speed
+at which Mercury himself would stand aghast.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But my beloved Tuileries?&rdquo; cried Marie
+Antoinette.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Has been swallowed up by a play-ground for the people,
+my dear,&rdquo; said Cassandra, gently.&nbsp; &ldquo;Paris is no
+place for us, and it is the intention of these men, in whose
+hands we are, to take us there and then desert us.&nbsp; Can you
+imagine anything worse than ourselves, the phantoms of a glorious
+romantic past, basely deserted in the streets of a wholly
+strange, superficial, material city of to-day?&nbsp; What do you
+think, Elizabeth, would be your fate if, faint and famished, you
+begged for sustenance at an English door to-day, and when asked
+your name and profession were to reply, &lsquo;Elizabeth, Queen
+of England&rsquo;?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Insane asylum,&rdquo; said Elizabeth, shortly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Precisely.&nbsp; So in Paris with the rest of
+us,&rdquo; said Cassandra.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How do you know all this?&rdquo; asked Trilby, still
+unconvinced.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I know it just as you knew how to become a prima
+donna,&rdquo; said Cassandra.&nbsp; &ldquo;I am, however, my own
+Svengali, which is rather preferable to the patent detachable
+hypnotizer you had.&nbsp; I hypnotize myself, and direct my mind
+into the future.&nbsp; I was a professional forecaster in the
+days of ancient Troy, and if my revelations had been heeded the
+Priam family would, I doubt not, still be doing business at the
+old stand, and Mr. &AElig;neas would not have grown
+round-shouldered giving his poor father a picky-back ride on the
+opening night of the horse-show, so graphically depicted by
+Virgil.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I never heard about that,&rdquo; said Trilby.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;It sounds like a very funny story, though.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, it wasn&rsquo;t so humorous for some as it was
+for others,&rdquo; said Cassandra, with a sly glance at
+Helen.&nbsp; &ldquo;The fact is, until you mentioned it yourself,
+it never occurred to me that there was much fun in any portion of
+the Trojan incident, excepting perhaps the delirium tremens of
+old Laocoon, who got no more than he deserved for stealing my
+thunder.&nbsp; I had warned Troy against the Greeks, and they all
+laughed at me, and said my eye to the future was strabismatic;
+that the Greeks couldn&rsquo;t get into Troy at all, even if they
+wanted to.&nbsp; And then the Greeks made a great wooden horse as
+a gift for the Trojans, and when I turned my X-ray gaze upon it I
+saw that it contained about six brigades of infantry, three
+artillery regiments, and sharp-shooters by the score.&nbsp; It
+was a sort of military Noah&rsquo;s Ark; but I knew that the
+prejudice against me was so strong that nobody would believe what
+I told them.&nbsp; So I said nothing.&nbsp; My prophecies never
+came true, they said, failing to observe that my warning as to
+what would be was in itself the cause of their
+non-fulfilment.&nbsp; But desiring to save Troy, I sent for
+Laocoon and told him all about it, and he went out and announced
+it as his own private prophecy; and then, having tried to drown
+his conscience in strong waters, he fell a victim to the usual
+serpentine hallucination, and everybody said he wasn&rsquo;t
+sober, and therefore unworthy of belief.&nbsp; The horse was
+accepted, hauled into the city, and that night orders came from
+hindquarters to the regiments concealed inside to march.&nbsp;
+They marched, and next morning Troy had been removed from the
+map; ninety per cent of the Trojans died suddenly, and
+&AElig;neas, grabbing up his family in one hand and his gods in
+the other, went yachting for several seasons, ultimately settling
+down in Italy.&nbsp; All of this could have been avoided if the
+Trojans would have taken the hint from my prophecies.&nbsp; They
+preferred, however, not to do it, with the result that to-day no
+one but Helen and myself knows even where Troy was, and
+we&rsquo;ll never tell.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is all true,&rdquo; said Helen, proudly.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;I was the woman who was at the bottom of it all, and I can
+testify that Cassandra always told the truth, which is why she
+was always so unpopular.&nbsp; When anything that was unpleasant
+happened, after it was all over she would turn and say, sweetly,
+&lsquo;I told you so.&rsquo;&nbsp; She was the original &lsquo;I
+told you so&rsquo; nuisance, and of course she had the
+newspapyruses down on her, because she never left them any
+sensation to spring upon the public.&nbsp; If she had only told a
+fib once in a while, the public would have had more confidence in
+her.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Thank you for your endorsement,&rdquo; said Cassandra,
+with a nod at Helen.&nbsp; &ldquo;With such testimony I cannot
+see how you can refrain from taking my advice in this matter; and
+I tell you, ladies, that this man Kidd has made his story up out
+of whole cloth; the men of Hades had no more to do with our being
+here than we had; they were as much surprised as we are to find
+us gone.&nbsp; Kidd himself was not aware of our presence, and
+his object in taking us to Paris is to leave us stranded there,
+disembodied spirits, vagrant souls with no familiar haunts to
+haunt, no place to rest, and nothing before us save perpetual
+exile in a world that would have no sympathy for us in our
+misfortune, and no belief in our continued existence.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But what, then, shall we do?&rdquo; cried Ophelia,
+wringing her hands in despair.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is a terrible problem,&rdquo; said Cleopatra,
+anxiously; &ldquo;and yet it does seem as if our woman&rsquo;s
+instinct ought to show us some way out of our trouble.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The Committee on Treachery,&rdquo; said Delilah,
+&ldquo;has already suggested a chafing-dish party, with Lucretia
+Borgia in charge of the lobster Newberg.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is true,&rdquo; said Lucretia; &ldquo;but I find,
+in going through my reticule, that my maid, for some reason
+unknown to me, has failed to renew my supply of poisons.&nbsp; I
+shall discharge her on my return home, for she knows that I never
+go anywhere without them; but that does not help matters at this
+juncture.&nbsp; The sad fact remains that I could prepare a
+thousand delicacies for these pirates without fatal
+results.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You mean immediately fatal, do you not?&rdquo;
+suggested Xanthippe.&nbsp; &ldquo;I could myself prepare a cake
+which would in time reduce our captors to a state of absolute
+dependence, but of course the effect is not immediate.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We might give a musicale, and let Trilby sing
+&lsquo;Ben Bolt&rsquo; to them,&rdquo; suggested Marguerite de
+Valois, with a giggle.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t be flippant, please,&rdquo; said
+Portia.&nbsp; &ldquo;We haven&rsquo;t time to waste on flippant
+suggestions.&nbsp; Perhaps a court-martial of these pirates,
+supplemented by a yard-arm, wouldn&rsquo;t be a bad thing.&nbsp;
+I&rsquo;ll prosecute the case.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You forget that you are dealing with immortal
+spirits,&rdquo; observed Cleopatra.&nbsp; &ldquo;If these
+creatures were mortals, hanging them would be all right, and
+comparatively easy, considering that we outnumber them ten to
+one, and have many resources for getting them, more or less, in
+our power, but they are not.&nbsp; They have gone through the
+refining process of dissolution once, and there&rsquo;s an end to
+that.&nbsp; Our only resource is in the line of deception, and if
+we cannot deceive them, then we have ceased to be
+women.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is truly said,&rdquo; observed Elizabeth.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;And inasmuch as we have already provided ourselves with a
+suitable committee for the preparation of our plans of a
+deceptive nature, I move, as the easiest possible solution of the
+difficulty for the rest of us, that the Committee on Treachery be
+requested to go at once into executive session, with orders not
+to come out of it until they have suggested a plausible plan of
+campaign against our abductors.&nbsp; We must be rid of
+them.&nbsp; Let the Committee on Treachery say how.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Second the motion,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;You are a very clear-headed young woman, Lizzie, and your
+grandmother is proud of you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image170" href="images/p170b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"&ldquo;You are a very clear-headed young woman, Lizzie,&rdquo;
+said Mrs. Noah"
+title=
+"&ldquo;You are a very clear-headed young woman, Lizzie,&rdquo;
+said Mrs. Noah"
+ src="images/p170s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>The Committee on Treachery were about to protest, but the
+chair refused to entertain any debate upon the question, which
+was put and carried with a storm of approval.</p>
+<p>Five minutes later a note was handed through the port,
+addressed to Cleopatra, which read as follows:</p>
+<blockquote><p>&ldquo;<span class="smcap">Dear
+Madame</span>,&mdash;Six bells has just struck, and the officers
+and crew are hungry.&nbsp; Will you and your fair companions
+co-operate with us in our enterprise by having a hearty dinner
+ready within two hours?&nbsp; A speck has appeared on the horizon
+which betokens a coming storm, else we would prepare our supper
+ourselves.&nbsp; As it is, we feel that your safety depends on
+our remaining on deck.&nbsp; If there is any beer on the ice, we
+prefer it to tea.&nbsp; Two cases will suffice.</p>
+<p style="text-align: right">&ldquo;Yours respectfully,</p>
+<p style="text-align: right">&ldquo;<span class="smcap">Henry
+Morgan</span>, Bart.; First Mate.&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>&ldquo;Hurrah!&rdquo; cried Cleopatra, as she read this
+communication.&nbsp; &ldquo;I have an idea.&nbsp; Tell the
+Committee on Treachery to appear before the full meeting at
+once.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The committee was summoned, and Cleopatra announced her plan
+of operation, and it was unanimously adopted; but what it was we
+shall have to wait for another chapter to learn.</p>
+<h2><a name="page172"></a><span class="pagenum">p.
+172</span>XI<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">MAROONED</span></h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Captain Holmes arrived upon
+deck he seized his glass, and, gazing intently through it for a
+moment, perceived that the faithful Shem had not deceived
+him.&nbsp; Flying at half-mast from a rude, roughly hewn pole set
+upon a rocky height was the black flag, emblem of piracy, and, as
+Artemus Ward put it, &ldquo;with the second joints
+reversed.&rdquo;&nbsp; It was in very truth a signal of
+distress.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I make it a point never to be surprised,&rdquo;
+observed Holmes, as he peered through the glass, &ldquo;but this
+beats me.&nbsp; I didn&rsquo;t know there was an island of this
+nature in these latitudes.&nbsp; Blackstone, go below and pipe
+Captain Cook on deck.&nbsp; Perhaps he knows what island that
+is.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You&rsquo;ll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes,&rdquo;
+replied the Judge.&nbsp; &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t ship on this
+voyage as a cabin-boy or a messenger-boy.&nbsp; Therefore
+I&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons,&rdquo; interrupted
+Holmes, sternly.&nbsp; &ldquo;I expect to be obeyed, Judge
+Blackstone, whether you shipped as a Lord Chief-Justice or a
+state-room steward.&nbsp; When I issue an order it must be
+obeyed.&nbsp; Step lively there, Bonaparte.&nbsp; Get his honor
+ironed and summon your marines.&nbsp; We may have work to do
+before night.&nbsp; Hamlet, pipe Captain Cook on deck.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Aye, aye, sir,&rdquo; replied Hamlet, with alacrity, as
+he made off.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s the way to obey orders,&rdquo; said
+Holmes, with a scornful glance at Blackstone.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I was only jesting, Captain,&rdquo; said the latter,
+paling somewhat.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s all right,&rdquo; said Holmes, taking up
+his glass again.&nbsp; &ldquo;So was I when I ordered you in
+irons, and in order that you may appreciate the full force of the
+joke I repeat it.&nbsp; Bonaparte, do your duty.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge
+shortly found himself manacled and alone in the forecastle.&nbsp;
+Meanwhile Captain Cook, in response to the commander&rsquo;s
+order, repaired to the deck and scanned the distant coast.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I can&rsquo;t place it,&rdquo; he said.&nbsp; &ldquo;It
+can&rsquo;t be Monte Cristo, can it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No, it can&rsquo;t,&rdquo; said the Count, who stood
+hard by.&nbsp; &ldquo;My island was in the Mediterranean, and
+even if it dragged anchor it couldn&rsquo;t have got out through
+the Strait of Gibraltar.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Perhaps it&rsquo;s Robinson Crusoe&rsquo;s
+island,&rdquo; suggested Doctor Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not it,&rdquo; observed De Foe.&nbsp; &ldquo;If it is,
+the rest of you will please keep off.&nbsp; It&rsquo;s mine, and
+I may want to use it again.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ve been having a number
+of interviews with Crusoe latterly, and he&rsquo;s given me a lot
+of new points, which I intend incorporating in a sequel for the
+Cimmerian Magazine.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it,
+then?&rdquo; roared Holmes, angrily.&nbsp; &ldquo;What is the
+matter with all you learned lubbers that I have brought along on
+this trip?&nbsp; Do you suppose I&rsquo;ve brought you to whistle
+up favorable winds?&nbsp; Not by the beard of the Prophet!&nbsp;
+I brought you to give me information, and now when I ask for the
+name of a simple little island like that in plain sight
+there&rsquo;s not one of you able so much as to guess at it
+reasonably.&nbsp; The next man I ask for information goes into
+irons with Judge Blackstone if he doesn&rsquo;t answer me
+instantly with the information I want.&nbsp; Munchausen, what
+island is that?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ahem! that?&rdquo; replied Munchausen, trembling, as he
+reflected upon the Captain&rsquo;s threat.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;What?&nbsp; Nobody knows what island that is?&nbsp; Why,
+you surprise me&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;See here, Baron,&rdquo; retorted Holmes, menacingly,
+&ldquo;I ask you a plain question, and I want a plain answer,
+with no evasions to gain time.&nbsp; Now it&rsquo;s irons or an
+answer.&nbsp; What island is that?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s an island that doesn&rsquo;t appear on any
+chart, Captain,&rdquo; Munchausen responded instantly, pulling
+himself together for a mighty effort, &ldquo;and it has never
+been given a name; but as you insist upon having one, we&rsquo;ll
+call it Holmes Island, in your honor.&nbsp; It is not
+stationary.&nbsp; It is a floating island of lava formation, and
+is a menace to every craft that goes to sea.&nbsp; I spent a year
+of my life upon it once, and it is more barren than the desert of
+Sahara, because you cannot raise even sand upon it, and it is
+devoid of water of any sort, salt or fresh.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What did you live on during that year?&rdquo; asked
+Holmes, eying him narrowly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Canned food from wrecks,&rdquo; replied the Baron,
+feeling much easier now that he had got a fair
+start&mdash;&ldquo;canned food from wrecks, commander.&nbsp;
+There is a magnetic property in the upper stratum of this piece
+of derelict real estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of
+canned substance that is lost overboard in all parts of the
+world.&nbsp; A ship is wrecked, say, in the Pacific Ocean, and
+ultimately all the loose metal upon her will succumb to the
+irresistible attraction of this magnetic upper stratum, and will
+find its way to its shores.&nbsp; So in any other part of the
+earth.&nbsp; Everything metallic turns up here sooner or later;
+and when you consider that thousands of vessels go down every
+year, vessels which are provisioned with tinned foods only, you
+will begin to comprehend how many millions of pounds of preserved
+salmon, sardines, <i>p&acirc;t&eacute; de foie gras</i>, peaches,
+and so on, can be found strewn along its coast.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Munchausen,&rdquo; said Holmes, smiling, &ldquo;by the
+blush upon your cheek, coupled with an occasional uneasy glance
+of the eye, I know that for once you are standing upon the, to
+you, unfamiliar ground of truth, and I admire you for it.&nbsp;
+There is nothing to be ashamed of in telling the truth
+occasionally.&nbsp; You are a man after my own heart.&nbsp; Come
+below and have a cocktail.&nbsp; Captain Cook, take command of
+the <i>Gehenna</i> during my absence; head her straight for
+Holmes Island, and when you discover anything new let me
+know.&nbsp; Bonaparte, in honor of Munchausen&rsquo;s remarkable
+genius, I proclaim general amnesty to our prisoners, and you may
+release Blackstone from his dilemma; and if you have any tin
+soldiers among your marines, see that they are lashed to the
+rigging.&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t want this electric island of the
+Baron&rsquo;s to get a grip upon my military force at this
+juncture.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the
+two worthies were soon deep in the mysteries of a phantom
+cocktail, while Doctor Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out
+over the ocean at the floating island.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;De Foe,&rdquo; said Johnson &ldquo;that ought to be a
+lesson to you.&nbsp; This realism that you tie up to is all right
+when you are alone with your conscience; but when there are great
+things afoot, an imagination and a broad view as to the
+limitations of truth aren&rsquo;t at all bad.&nbsp; You or I
+might now be drinking that cocktail with Holmes if we&rsquo;d
+only risen to the opportunity the way Munchausen did.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image178" href="images/p178b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"That ought to be a lesson to you"
+title=
+"That ought to be a lesson to you"
+ src="images/p178s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;That is true,&rdquo; said De Foe, sadly.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;But I didn&rsquo;t suppose he wanted that kind of
+information.&nbsp; I could have spun a better yarn than that of
+Munchausen&rsquo;s with my eyes shut.&nbsp; I supposed he wanted
+truth, and I gave it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;d like to know what has become of the
+House-boat,&rdquo; said Raleigh, anxiously gazing through the
+glass at the island.&nbsp; &ldquo;I can see old Henry Morgan
+sitting down there on the rocks with his elbows on his knees and
+his chin in his hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are standing back
+of him, yelling like mad, but there isn&rsquo;t a boat in
+sight.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Who is that man, off to the right, dancing a
+fandango?&rdquo; asked Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It looks like Conrad, but I can&rsquo;t tell.&nbsp; He
+appears to have gone crazy.&nbsp; He&rsquo;s got that wild look
+on his face which betokens insanity.&nbsp; We&rsquo;ll have to be
+careful in our parleyings with these people,&rdquo; said
+Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Anything new?&rdquo; asked Holmes, returning to the
+deck, smacking his lips in enjoyment of the cocktail.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No&mdash;except that we are almost within hailing
+distance,&rdquo; said Cook.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then give orders to cast anchor,&rdquo; observed
+Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;Bonaparte, take a crew of picked men ashore
+and bring those pirates aboard.&nbsp; Take the three musketeers
+with you, and don&rsquo;t let Kidd or Morgan give you any back
+talk.&nbsp; If they try any funny business, exorcise
+them.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Aye, aye, sir,&rdquo; replied Bonaparte, and in a
+moment a boat had been lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors were
+pulling for the shore.&nbsp; As they came within ten feet of it
+the pirates made a mad dash down the rough, rocky hillside and
+clamored to be saved.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image180" href="images/p180b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The pirates made a mad dash down the rough, rocky hill-side"
+title=
+"The pirates made a mad dash down the rough, rocky hill-side"
+ src="images/p180s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s happened to you?&rdquo; cried Bonaparte,
+ordering the sailors to back water lest the pirates should too
+hastily board the boat and swamp her.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We are marooned,&rdquo; replied Kidd, &ldquo;and on an
+island of a volcanic nature.&nbsp; There isn&rsquo;t a square
+inch of it that isn&rsquo;t heated up to 125 degrees, and
+seventeen of us have already evaporated.&nbsp; Conrad has lost
+his reason; Abeuchapeta has become so tenuous that a child can
+see through him.&nbsp; As for myself, I am growing iridescent
+with anxiety, and unless I get off this infernal furnace
+I&rsquo;ll disappear like a soap-bubble.&nbsp; For Heaven&rsquo;s
+sake, then, General, take us off, on your own terms.&nbsp;
+We&rsquo;ll accept anything.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As if in confirmation of Kidd&rsquo;s words, six of the pirate
+crew collapsed and disappeared into thin air, and a glance at
+Abeuchapeta was proof enough of his condition.&nbsp; He had
+become as clear as crystal, and had it not been for his rugged
+outlines he would hardly have been visible even to his
+fellow-spirits.&nbsp; As for Kidd, he had taken on the aspect of
+a rainbow, and it was patent that his fears for himself were all
+too well founded.</p>
+<p>Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning
+subsequently for the others, and repaired with them at once to
+the <i>Gehenna</i>, where they were ushered into the presence of
+Sherlock Holmes.&nbsp; The first question he asked was as to the
+whereabouts of the House-boat.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That we do not know,&rdquo; replied Kidd, mournfully,
+gazing downward at the wreck of his former self.&nbsp; &ldquo;We
+came ashore, sir, early yesterday morning, in search of
+food.&nbsp; It appears that when&mdash;acting in a wholly
+inexcusable fashion, and influenced, I confess it, by motives of
+revenge&mdash;I made off with your club-house, I neglected to
+ascertain if it were well stocked with provisions, a fatal error;
+for when we endeavored to get supper we discovered that the
+larder contained but half a bottle of farcie olives, two salted
+almonds, and a soda cracker&mdash;not a luxurious feast for
+sixty-nine pirates and a hundred and eighty-three women to sit
+down to.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s all nonsense,&rdquo; said
+Demosthenes.&nbsp; &ldquo;The House Committee had provided enough
+supper for six hundred people, in anticipation of the appetite of
+the members on their return from the fight.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Of course they did,&rdquo; said Confucius; &ldquo;and
+it was a good one, too&mdash;salads, salmon glac&eacute;,
+lobsters&mdash;every blessed thing a man can&rsquo;t get at home
+we had; and what is more, they&rsquo;d been delivered on
+board.&nbsp; I saw to that before I went up the river.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then,&rdquo; moaned Kidd, &ldquo;it is as I
+suspected.&nbsp; We were the victims of base treachery on the
+part of those women.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Treachery?&nbsp; Well, I like that.&nbsp; Call it
+reciprocity,&rdquo; said Hamlet, dryly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing
+for supper save the items I have already referred to,&rdquo; said
+Kidd.&nbsp; &ldquo;I see it all now.&nbsp; We had tried to make
+them comfortable, and I put myself to some considerable personal
+inconvenience to make them easy in their minds, but they were
+ungrateful.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Whatever induced you to take &rsquo;em along with
+you?&rdquo; asked Socrates.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We didn&rsquo;t want them,&rdquo; said Kidd.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We didn&rsquo;t know they were on board until it was
+too late to turn back.&nbsp; They&rsquo;d broken in, and were
+having the club all to themselves in your absence.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It served you good and right,&rdquo; said Socrates,
+with a laugh.&nbsp; &ldquo;Next time you try to take things that
+don&rsquo;t belong to you, maybe you&rsquo;ll be a trifle more
+careful as to whose property you confiscate.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But the House-boat&mdash;you haven&rsquo;t told us how
+you lost her,&rdquo; put in Raleigh, impatiently.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, it was this way,&rdquo; said Kidd.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;When, in response to our polite request for supper, the
+ladies said there was nothing to eat on board, something had to
+be done, for we were all as hungry as bears, and we decided to go
+ashore at the first port and provision.&nbsp; Unfortunately the
+crew got restive, and when this floating frying-pan loomed into
+view, to keep them good-natured we decided to land and see if we
+could beg, borrow, or steal some supplies.&nbsp; We had to.&nbsp;
+Observations taken with the sextant showed that there was no port
+within five hundred miles; the island looked as if it might be
+inhabited at least by goats, and ashore we went, every man of us,
+leaving the House-boat safely anchored in the harbor.&nbsp; At
+first we didn&rsquo;t mind the heat, and we hunted and hunted and
+hunted; but after three or four hours I began to notice that
+three of my sailors were shrivelling up, and Conrad began to act
+as if he were daft.&nbsp; Hawkins burst right before my
+eyes.&nbsp; Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic around the eyes and
+began to fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence about myself;
+and as for Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to take a
+nap in the sun, and when he waked up, his whole right side had
+evaporated.&nbsp; Then we saw what the trouble was.&nbsp;
+We&rsquo;d struck this lava island, and were gradually succumbing
+to its intense heat.&nbsp; We rushed madly back to the harbor to
+embark; and our ship, gentlemen, and your House-boat, was slowly
+but surely disappearing over the horizon, and flying from the
+flag-staff at the fore were signals of farewell, with an
+unfeeling P.S. below to this effect: &lsquo;<i>Don&rsquo;t wait
+up for us</i>.&nbsp; <i>We may not be back until
+late</i>.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to
+himself, while Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan wept
+silently.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know
+of the whereabouts of the House-boat,&rdquo; continued Captain
+Kidd.&nbsp; &ldquo;I have no doubt that the ladies practised a
+deception, to our discomfiture, and I must say that I think it
+was exceedingly clever&mdash;granting that it was desirable to be
+rid of us, which I don&rsquo;t, for we meant well by them, and
+they would have enjoyed themselves.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But,&rdquo; cried Hamlet, &ldquo;may they not now be in
+peril?&nbsp; They cannot navigate that ship.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They got her out of the harbor all right,&rdquo; said
+Kidd.&nbsp; &ldquo;And I judged from the figure at the helm that
+Mrs. Noah had taken charge.&nbsp; What kind of a seaman she is I
+don&rsquo;t know.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Almighty bad,&rdquo; ejaculated Shem, turning
+pale.&nbsp; &ldquo;It was she who ran us ashore on
+Ararat.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, wasn&rsquo;t that what you wanted?&rdquo; queried
+Munchausen.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What we wanted!&rdquo; cried Shem.&nbsp; &ldquo;Well, I
+guess not.&nbsp; You don&rsquo;t want your yacht stranded on a
+mountain-top, do you?&nbsp; She was a dead loss there, whereas if
+mother hadn&rsquo;t been in such a hurry to get ashore, we could
+have waited a month and landed on the seaboard.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You might have turned her into a summer hotel,&rdquo;
+suggested Munchausen.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, we must up anchor and away,&rdquo; said
+Holmes.&nbsp; &ldquo;Our pursuit has merely begun,
+apparently.&nbsp; We must overtake this vessel, and the question
+to be answered is&mdash;where?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s easy,&rdquo; said Artemus Ward.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;From what Shem says, I think we&rsquo;d better look for
+her in the Himalayas.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And, meanwhile, what shall be done with Kidd?&rdquo;
+asked Holmes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He ought to be expelled from the club,&rdquo; said
+Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We can&rsquo;t expel him, because he&rsquo;s not a
+member,&rdquo; replied Raleigh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then elect him,&rdquo; suggested Ward.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What on earth for?&rdquo; growled Johnson.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So that we can expel him,&rdquo; said Ward.&nbsp; And
+while Boswell&rsquo;s hero was trying to get the value of this
+notion through his head, the others repaired to the deck, and the
+<i>Gehenna</i> was soon under way once more.&nbsp; Meanwhile
+Captain Kidd and his fellows were put in irons and stowed away in
+the forecastle, alongside of the water-cask in which Shylock lay
+in hiding.</p>
+<h2><a name="page189"></a><span class="pagenum">p.
+189</span>XII<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">THE ESCAPE AND THE END</span></h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">If</span> there was anxiety on board of
+the <i>Gehenna</i> as to the condition and whereabouts of the
+House-boat, there was by no means less uneasiness upon that
+vessel itself.&nbsp; Cleopatra&rsquo;s scheme for ridding herself
+and her abducted sisters of the pirates had worked to a charm,
+but, having worked thus, a new and hitherto undreamed-of problem,
+full of perplexities bearing upon their immediate safety, now
+confronted them.&nbsp; The sole representative of a seafaring
+family on board was Mrs. Noah, and it did not require much time
+to see that her knowledge as to navigation was of an extremely
+primitive order, limited indeed to the science of floating.</p>
+<p>When the last pirate had disappeared behind the rocks of
+Holmes Island, and all was in readiness for action, the good old
+lady, who had hitherto been as calm and unruffled as a child,
+began to get red in the face and to bustle about in a manner
+which betrayed considerable perturbation of spirit.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Now, Mrs. Noah,&rdquo; said Cleopatra, as, peeping out
+from the billiard-room window, she saw Morgan disappearing in the
+distance, &ldquo;the coast is clear, and I resign my position of
+chairman to you.&nbsp; We place the vessel in your hands, and
+ourselves subject to your orders.&nbsp; You are in command.&nbsp;
+What do you wish us to do?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well,&rdquo; replied Mrs. Noah, putting down her
+knitting and starting for the deck.&nbsp; &ldquo;I&rsquo;m not
+certain, but I think the first thing to do is to get her
+moving.&nbsp; Do you know, I&rsquo;ve never discovered whether
+this boat was a steamboat or a sailing-vessel?&nbsp; Does anybody
+know?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think it has a naphtha tank and a propeller,&rdquo;
+said Elizabeth, &ldquo;although I don&rsquo;t know.&nbsp; It
+seems to me my brother Raleigh told me they&rsquo;d had a naphtha
+engine put in last winter after the freshet, when the House-boat
+was carried ten miles down the river, and had to be towed back at
+enormous expense.&nbsp; They put it in so that if she were
+carried away again she could get back of her own
+power.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s unfortunate,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah,
+&ldquo;because I don&rsquo;t know anything about these new
+fangled notions.&nbsp; If there&rsquo;s any one here who knows
+anything about naphtha engines, I wish they&rsquo;d
+speak.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m of the opinion,&rdquo; said Portia,
+&ldquo;that I can study out the theory of it in a short
+while.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well, then,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, &ldquo;you can
+do it.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ll appoint you engineer, and give you all
+your orders now, right away, in advance.&nbsp; Set her going and
+keep her going, and don&rsquo;t stop without a written order
+signed by me.&nbsp; We might as well be very careful, and have
+everything done properly, and it might happen that in the
+excitement of our trip you would misunderstand my spoken orders
+and make a fatal error.&nbsp; Therefore, pay no attention to
+unwritten orders.&nbsp; That will do for you for the
+present.&nbsp; Xanthippe, you may take Ophelia and Madame
+R&eacute;camier, and ten other ladies, and, every morning before
+breakfast, swab the larboard deck.&nbsp; Cassandra, Tuesdays you
+will devote to polishing the brasses in the dining-room, and the
+balance of your time I wish you to expend in dusting the
+bric-a-brac.&nbsp; Dido, you always were strong at building
+fires.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ll make you chief stoker.&nbsp; You will
+also assist Lucretia Borgia in the kitchen.&nbsp; Inasmuch as the
+latter&rsquo;s maid has neglected to supply her with the usual
+line of poisons, I think we can safely entrust to
+Lucretia&rsquo;s hands the responsibilities of the culinary
+department.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m perfectly willing to do anything I
+can,&rdquo; said Lucretia, &ldquo;but I must confess that I
+don&rsquo;t approve of your methods of commanding a ship.&nbsp; A
+ship&rsquo;s captain isn&rsquo;t a domestic martinet, as you are
+setting out to be.&nbsp; We didn&rsquo;t appoint you
+housekeeper.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Now, my child,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, firmly, &ldquo;I
+do not wish any words.&nbsp; If I hear any more impudence from
+you, I&rsquo;ll put you ashore without a reference; and the rest
+of you I would warn in all kindness that I will not tolerate
+insubordination.&nbsp; You may, all of you, have one night of the
+week and alternate Sundays off, but your work must be done.&nbsp;
+The regimen I am adopting is precisely that in vogue on the Ark,
+only I didn&rsquo;t have the help I have now, and things got into
+very bad shape.&nbsp; We were out forty days, and, while the food
+was poor and the service execrable, we never lost a
+life.&rdquo;</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image192" href="images/p192b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"&ldquo;Now, my child,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, firmly, &ldquo;I do
+not wish any words&rdquo;"
+title=
+"&ldquo;Now, my child,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, firmly, &ldquo;I do
+not wish any words&rdquo;"
+ src="images/p192s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>The boat gave a slight tremor.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hurrah!&rdquo; cried Elizabeth, clapping her hands with
+glee, &ldquo;we are off!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I will repair to the deck and get our bearings,&rdquo;
+said Mrs. Noah, putting her shawl over her shoulders.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Meantime, Cleopatra, I appoint you first mate.&nbsp; See
+that things are tidied up a bit here before I return.&nbsp; Have
+the windows washed, and to-morrow I want all the rugs and carpets
+taken up and shaken.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Portia meanwhile had discovered the naphtha engine, and, after
+experimenting several times with the various levers and
+stop-cocks, had finally managed to move one of them in such a way
+as to set the engine going, and the wheel began to revolve.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Are we going all right?&rdquo; she cried, from
+below.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am afraid not,&rdquo; said the gallant
+commander.&nbsp; &ldquo;The wheel is roiling up the water at a
+great rate, but we don&rsquo;t seem to be going ahead very
+fast&mdash;in fact, we&rsquo;re simply moving round and round as
+though we were on a pivot.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m afraid we&rsquo;re aground amidships,&rdquo;
+said Xanthippe, gazing over the side of the House-boat
+anxiously.&nbsp; &ldquo;She certainly acts that way&mdash;like a
+merry-go-round.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, there&rsquo;s something wrong,&rdquo; said Mrs.
+Noah; &ldquo;and we&rsquo;ve got to hurry and find out what it
+is, or those men will be back and we shall be as badly off as
+ever.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Maybe this has something to do with it,&rdquo; observed
+Mrs. Lot, pointing to the anchor rope.&nbsp; &ldquo;It looks to
+me as if those horrid men had tied us fast.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s just what it is,&rdquo; snapped Mrs.
+Noah.&nbsp; &ldquo;They guessed our plan, and have fastened us to
+a pole or something, but I imagine we can untie it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Portia, who had come on deck, gave a short little laugh.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, of course we don&rsquo;t move,&rdquo; she
+said&mdash;&ldquo;we are anchored!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s that?&rdquo; queried Mrs. Noah.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;We never had an experience like that on the
+Ark.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Portia explained the science of the anchor.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What nonsense!&rdquo; ejaculated Mrs. Noah.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;How can we get away from it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We&rsquo;ve got to pull it up,&rdquo; said
+Portia.&nbsp; &ldquo;Order all hands on deck and have it pulled
+up.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It can&rsquo;t be done, and, if it could, I
+wouldn&rsquo;t have it!&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, indignantly.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;The idea!&nbsp; Lifting heavy pieces of iron, my dear
+Portia, is not a woman&rsquo;s work.&nbsp; Send for Delilah, and
+let her cut the rope with her scissors.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It would take her a week to cut a hawser like
+that,&rdquo; said Elizabeth, who had been investigating.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;It would be more to the purpose, I think, to chop it in
+two with an axe.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well,&rdquo; replied Mrs. Noah, satisfied.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t care how it is done as long as it is done
+quickly.&nbsp; It would never do for us to be recaptured
+now.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried out, and the queen
+herself cut the hawser with six well-directed strokes of the
+axe.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You <i>are</i> an expert with it, aren&rsquo;t
+you?&rdquo; smiled Cleopatra.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am, indeed,&rdquo; replied Elizabeth, grimly.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;I had it suspended over my head for so long a time before
+I got to the throne that I couldn&rsquo;t help familiarizing
+myself with some of its possibilities.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ah!&rdquo; cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel began to
+move.&nbsp; &ldquo;I begin to feel easier.&nbsp; It looks now as
+if we were really off.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It seems to me, though,&rdquo; said Cleopatra, gazing
+forward, &ldquo;that we are going backward.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, well, what if we are!&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;We did that on the Ark half the time.&nbsp; It
+doesn&rsquo;t make any difference which way we are going as long
+as we go, does it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, of course it does!&rdquo; cried Elizabeth.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;What can you be thinking of?&nbsp; People who walk
+backward are in great danger of running into other people.&nbsp;
+Why not the same with ships?&nbsp; It seems to me, it&rsquo;s a
+very dangerous piece of business, sailing backward.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, nonsense,&rdquo; snapped Mrs. Noah.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;You are as timid as a zebra.&nbsp; During the Flood, we
+sailed days and days and days, going backward.&nbsp; It
+didn&rsquo;t make a particle of difference how we went&mdash;it
+was as safe one way as another, and we got just as far away in
+the end.&nbsp; Our main object now is to get away from the
+pirates, and that&rsquo;s what we are doing.&nbsp; Don&rsquo;t
+get emotional, Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in
+charge.&nbsp; If I think the boat ought to go sideways, sideways
+she shall go.&nbsp; If you don&rsquo;t like it, it is still not
+too late to put you ashore.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, and she was satisfied,
+and all went well with them, even if Portia had started the
+propeller revolving reverse fashion; so that the House-boat was,
+as Elizabeth had said, backing her way through the ocean.</p>
+<p>The day passed, and by slow degrees the island and the
+marooned pirates faded from view, and the night came on, and with
+it a dense fog.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We&rsquo;re going to have a nasty night, I am
+afraid,&rdquo; said Xanthippe, looking anxiously out of the
+port.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No doubt,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah, pleasantly.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;m sorry for those who have to be out in
+it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what I was thinking about,&rdquo; observed
+Xanthippe.&nbsp; &ldquo;It&rsquo;s going to be very hard on us
+keeping watch.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Watch for what?&rdquo; demanded Mrs. Noah, looking over
+the tops of her glasses at Xanthippe.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, surely you are going to have lookouts stationed on
+deck?&rdquo; said Elizabeth.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not at all,&rdquo; said Mrs. Noah.&nbsp;
+&ldquo;Perfectly absurd.&nbsp; We never did it on the Ark, and it
+isn&rsquo;t necessary now.&nbsp; I want you all to go to bed at
+ten o&rsquo;clock.&nbsp; I don&rsquo;t think the night air is
+good for you.&nbsp; Besides, it isn&rsquo;t proper for a woman to
+be out after dark, whether she&rsquo;s new or not.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But, my dear Mrs. Noah,&rdquo; expostulated Cleopatra,
+&ldquo;what will become of the ship?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I guess she&rsquo;ll float through the night whether we
+are on deck or not,&rdquo; said the commander.&nbsp; &ldquo;The
+Ark did, why not this?&nbsp; Now, girls, these new-fangled
+yachting notions are all nonsense.&nbsp; It&rsquo;s night, and
+there&rsquo;s a fog as thick as a stone-wall all about us.&nbsp;
+If there were a hundred of you upon deck with ten eyes apiece,
+you couldn&rsquo;t see anything.&nbsp; You might much better be
+in bed.&nbsp; As your captain, chaperon, and grandmother, I
+command you to stay below.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But&mdash;who is to steer?&rdquo; queried
+Xanthippe.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s the use of steering until we can see where
+to steer to?&rdquo; demanded Mrs. Noah.&nbsp; &ldquo;I certainly
+don&rsquo;t intend to bother with that tiller until some reason
+for doing it arises.&nbsp; We haven&rsquo;t any place to steer to
+yet; we don&rsquo;t know where we are going.&nbsp; Now, my dear
+children, be reasonable, and don&rsquo;t worry me.&nbsp;
+I&rsquo;ve had a very hard day of it, and I feel my
+responsibilities keenly.&nbsp; Just let me manage, and
+we&rsquo;ll come out all right.&nbsp; I&rsquo;ve had more
+experience than any of you, and if&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A terrible crash interrupted the old lady&rsquo;s
+remarks.&nbsp; The House-boat shivered and shook, careened way to
+one side, and as quickly righted and stood still.&nbsp; A mad
+rush up the gangway followed, and in a moment a hundred and
+eighty-three pale-faced, trembling women stood upon the deck,
+gazing with horror at a great helpless hulk ten feet to the rear,
+fastened by broken ropes and odd pieces of rigging to the
+stern-posts of the House-boat, sinking slowly but surely into the
+sea.</p>
+<p>It was the <i>Gehenna</i>!</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a name="image200" href="images/p200b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"A great helpless hulk ten feet to the rear"
+title=
+"A great helpless hulk ten feet to the rear"
+ src="images/p200s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>The House-boat had run her down and her last hour had come,
+but, thanks to the stanchness of her build and wonderful beam,
+the floating club-house had withstood the shock of the impact and
+now rode the waters as gracefully as ever.</p>
+<p>Portia was the first to realize the extent of the catastrophe,
+and in a short while chairs and life-preservers and
+tables&mdash;everything that could float&mdash;had been tossed
+into the sea to the struggling immortals therein.&nbsp; On board
+the <i>Gehenna</i>, those who had not cast themselves into the
+waters, under the cool direction of Holmes and Bonaparte, calmly
+lowered the boats, and in a short while were not only able to
+felicitate themselves upon their safety, but had likewise the
+good fortune to rescue their more impetuous brethren who had
+preferred to swim for it.&nbsp; Ultimately, all were brought
+aboard the House-boat in safety, and the men in Hades were once
+more reunited to their wives, daughters, sisters, and
+<i>fianc&eacute;es</i>, and Elizabeth had the satisfaction of
+once more saving the life of Raleigh by throwing him her ruff as
+she had done a year or so previously, when she and her brother
+had been upset in the swift current of the river Styx.</p>
+<p>Order and happiness being restored, Holmes took command of the
+House-boat and soon navigated her safely back into her old-time
+berth.&nbsp; The <i>Gehenna</i> went to the bottom and was never
+seen again, and when the roll was called it was found that all
+who had set out upon her had returned in safety save Shylock,
+Kidd, Sir Henry Morgan, and Abeuchapeta; but even they were not
+lost, for, five weeks later, these four worthies were found early
+one morning drifting slowly up the river Styx, gazing anxiously
+out from the top of a water-cask and yelling lustily for
+help.</p>
+<p>And here endeth the chronicle of the pursuit of the good old
+House-boat.&nbsp; Back to her moorings, the even tenor of her
+ways was once more resumed, but with one slight difference.</p>
+<p>The ladies became eligible for membership, and, availing
+themselves of the privilege, began to think less and less of the
+advantages of being men and to rejoice that, after all, they were
+women; and even Xanthippe and Socrates, after that night of
+peril, reconciled their differences, and no longer quarrel as to
+which is the more entitled to wear the toga of authority.&nbsp;
+It has become for them a divided skirt.</p>
+<p>As for Kidd and his fellows, they have never recovered from
+the effects of their fearful, though short, exile upon Holmes
+Island, and are but shadows of their former shades; whereas Mr.
+Sherlock Holmes has so endeared himself to his new-found friends
+that he is quite as popular with them as he is with us, who have
+yet to cross the dark river and be subjected to the scrutiny of
+the Committee on Membership at the House-boat on the Styx.</p>
+<p>Even Hawkshaw has been able to detect his genius.</p>
+
+<div class="gapspace">&nbsp;</div>
+<p style="text-align: center">THE END</p>
+
+<div class="gapspace">&nbsp;</div>
+
+<div class="gapmediumline">&nbsp;</div>
+<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">PRINTED BY
+WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED</span><br />
+<span class="GutSmall">LONDON AND BECCLES, ENGLAND</span></p>
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT***</p>
+<pre>
+
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+
+THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+by John Kendrick Bangs
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I:  THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION
+
+
+
+The House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the
+River Styx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn from
+its moorings and navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful
+pirate Captain Kidd, aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly
+inhabitants of Hades.  Like a thief in the night had they come, and
+for no better reason than that the Captain had been unanimously voted
+a shade too shady to associate with self-respecting spirits had they
+made off with the happy floating club-house of their betters; and
+worst of all, with them, by force of circumstances over which they
+had no control, had sailed also the fair Queen Elizabeth, the
+spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded and beautiful woman
+of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof were rendered desolate.
+
+"I can't stand it!" cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his
+accustomed grace he presided over a special meeting of the club,
+called on the bank of the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the
+missing boat had been moored.  "Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of
+England, Calpurnia of Rome, Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious
+jewel in our social diadem gone, vanished completely; and with whom?
+Kidd, of all men in the universe!  Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian--"
+
+"Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates, cheerfully.
+"What's the use of going into hysterics?  You are not a woman, and
+should eschew that luxury.  Xanthippe is with them, and I'll warrant
+you that when that cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the
+effects of the sea, say the third day out, Kidd and his crew will be
+walking the plank, and voluntarily at that."
+
+"But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly.  "That was my
+delight.  It reminded me in some respects of the Ark."
+
+"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore,"
+retorted Socrates.  "For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a
+club to go to; I can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and
+straight.  Xanthippe always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of
+one quart of water to the finger."
+
+"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Caesar firmly,
+"therefore we are not all satisfied with the situation.  I, for one,
+quite agree with Sir Walter that something must be done, and quickly.
+Are we to sit here and do nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our
+wives with impunity?"
+
+"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte.  "The time for action has
+arrived.  All things considered, he is welcome to Marie Louise, but
+the idea of Josephine going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my
+heart."
+
+"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson.  "We've got to do
+something if it is only for the sake of appearances.  The question
+really is, what shall be done first?"
+
+"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering
+the matter of further action afterwards," suggested Shakespeare, and
+it was this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the
+necessity for immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called
+for their various favorite beverages it was found that there were
+none to be had, it being Sunday, and all the establishments wherein
+liquid refreshments were licensed to be sold being closed--for at the
+time of writing the local government of Hades was in the hands of the
+reform party.
+
+"What!" cried Socrates.  "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol,
+Sundays?  Then the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe
+comes with it or not.  Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after
+all.  This ruffian should be captured at once and made an example
+of."
+
+"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah--pray speak in
+Greek hereafter, will you, please?  When you attempt English you have
+a beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are
+offensive to the ear of a purist."
+
+"This is no time to discuss style, Murray," interposed Sir Walter.
+"Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases; he may even
+part his infinitives in the middle, for all I care.  We have affairs
+of greater moment in hand."
+
+"We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that
+boat.  I'm dry as a fish."
+
+"There he goes again!" growled Murray.  "Dry as a fish!  What fish,
+I'd like to know, is dry?"
+
+"Red herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at the
+expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown more and
+more melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined.
+
+"Then it is settled," said Raleigh; "something must be done.  And now
+the point is, what?"
+
+"Relief expeditions have a way of finding things," suggested Dr.
+Livingstone.  "Or rather of being found by the things they go out to
+relieve.  I propose that we send out a number of them.  I will take
+Africa; Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General
+Washington may have North America; and--"
+
+"I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson,  "but have you any idea, Dr.
+Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House-boat of
+ours, and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels?"
+
+"No such absurd idea ever entered my head," retorted the Doctor.
+
+"Do you, then, believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged
+in the pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing down the
+Alps?" persisted the philosopher.
+
+"Not at all.  Why do you ask?" queried the African explorer,
+irritably.
+
+"Because I wish to know," said Johnson.  "That is always my motive in
+asking questions.  You propose to go looking for a house-boat in
+Central Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in
+search of it through Europe--all of which strikes me as nonsense.
+This search is the work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers.  You might
+as well ask Confucius to look for it in the heart of China.  What
+earthly use there is in ransacking the earth I fail to see.  What we
+need is a navel expedition to scour the sea, unless it is pretty well
+understood in advance that we believe Kidd has hauled the boat out of
+the water, and is now using it for a roller-skating rink or a bicycle
+academy in Ohio, or for some other purpose for which neither he nor
+it was designed."
+
+"Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had been
+sitting upon the string-piece of the pier, quietly, but with very
+evident interest, listening to the discussion.  He was a tall and
+excessively slender shade, "like a spirt of steam out of a teapot,"
+as Johnson put it afterwards, so slight he seemed.  "I have not the
+honor of being a member of this association," the stranger continued,
+"but, like all well-ordered shades, I aspire to the distinction, and
+I hold myself and my talents at the disposal of this club.  I fancy
+it will not take us long to establish our initial point, which is
+that the gross person who has so foully appropriated your property to
+his own base uses does not contemplate removing it from its keel and
+placing it somewhere inland.  All the evidence in hand points to a
+radically different conclusion, which is my sole reason for doubting
+the value of that conclusion.  Captain Kidd is a seafarer by
+instinct, not a landsman.  The House-boat is not a house, but a boat;
+therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson so well
+says, in the Sahara Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio,
+but upon the high sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of the
+world's great cities."
+
+"And what, then, would be your plan?" asked Sir Walter, impressed by
+the stranger's manner as well as by the very manifest reason in all
+that he had said.
+
+"The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped for
+the purpose of pursuit.  Ascertain whither the House-boat has sailed,
+for what port, and start at once.  Have you a model of the House-boat
+within reach?" returned the stranger.
+
+"I think not; we have the architect's plans, however," said the
+chairman.
+
+"We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demosthenes, who was secretary of the
+House Committee, rising, "but they are gone with the House-boat
+itself.  They were kept in the safe in the hold."
+
+A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger.
+
+"That's too bad," he said.  "It was a most important part of my plan
+that we should know about how fast the House-boat was."
+
+"Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed sarcasm.  "If you'll
+take Xanthippe's word for it, the House-boat was the fastest yacht
+afloat."
+
+"I refer to the matter of speed in sailing," returned the stranger,
+quietly.  "The question of its ethical speed has nothing to do with
+it."
+
+"The designer of the craft is here," said Sir Walter, fixing his eyes
+upon Sir Christopher Wren.  "It is possible that he may be of
+assistance in settling that point."
+
+"What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr.
+Chairman?" asked Solomon, rising impatiently and addressing Sir
+Walter.  "We aren't preparing for a yacht-race, that I know of.
+Nobody's after a cup, or a championship of any kind.  What we do want
+is to get our wives back.  The Captain hasn't taken more than half of
+mine along with him, but I am interested none the less.  The Queen of
+Sheba is on board, and I am somewhat interested in her fate.  So I
+ask you what earthly or unearthly use there is in discussing this
+question of speed in the House-boat.  It strikes me as a woful waste
+of time, and rather unprecedented too, that we should suspend all
+rules and listen to the talk of an entire stranger."
+
+"I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon," said Johnson,
+dryly, "but I must say that the gentleman's remarks rather interest
+me."
+
+"Of course they do," ejaculated Solomon.  "He agreed with you.  That
+ought to make him interesting to everybody.  Freaks usually are."
+
+"That is not the reason at all," retorted Dr. Johnson.  "Cold water
+agrees with me, but it doesn't interest me.  What I do think,
+however, is that our unknown friend seems to have a grasp on the
+situation by which we are confronted, and he's going at the matter in
+hand in a very comprehensive fashion.  I move, therefore, that
+Solomon be laid on the table, and that the privileges of the--ah--of
+the wharf be extended indefinitely to our friend on the string-
+piece."
+
+The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the stranger
+resumed.
+
+"I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon, whose
+wisdom I have always admired, and whose endurance as the husband of
+three hundred wives has filled me with wonder," he said, "that before
+starting in pursuit of the stolen vessel we must select a craft of
+some sort for the purpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is
+quite essential that we should choose a vessel of greater speed than
+the one we desire to overtake.  It would hardly be proper, I think,
+if the House-boat can sail four knots an hour to attempt to overhaul
+her with a launch, or other nautical craft, with a maximum speed of
+two knots an hour."
+
+"Hear! hear!" ejaculated Caesar.
+
+"That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed of
+your late club-house," said the stranger, bowing courteously to
+Solomon.  "Now, if Sir Christopher Wren can give me her measurements,
+we can very soon determine at about what rate she is leaving us
+behind under favorable circumstances."
+
+"'Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the sort,"
+said Noah, rising and manifesting somewhat more heat than the
+occasion seemed to require.  "As long as we are discussing the
+question I will take the liberty of stating what I have never
+mentioned before, that the designer of the House-boat merely
+appropriated the lines of the Ark.  Shem, Ham, and Japhet will bear
+testimony to the truth of that statement."
+
+"There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr. Chairman," assented Sir
+Christopher, with cutting frigidity.  "I am perfectly willing to
+admit that practically the two vessels were built on the same lines,
+but with modifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty
+miles to windward and back in six days' less time than it would have
+taken the Ark to cover the same distance, and it could have taken all
+the wash of the excursion steamers into the bargain."
+
+"Bosh!" ejaculated Noah, angrily.  "Strip your old tub down to a
+flying balloon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with
+elephants until every inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and
+she'd outfoot you on every leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr.  Give me
+the Ark and a breeze, and your House-boat wouldn't be within hailing
+distance of her five minutes after the start if she had 40,000 square
+yards of canvas spread before a gale."
+
+"This discussion is waxing very unprofitable," observed Confucius.
+"If these gentlemen cannot be made to confine themselves to the
+subject that is agitating this body, I move we call in the
+authorities and have them confined in the bottomless pit."
+
+"I did not precipitate the quarrel," said Noah.  "I was merely trying
+to assist our friend on the string-piece.  I was going to say that as
+the Ark was probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christopher
+Wren's--tub, which he himself says can take care of all the wash of
+the excursion boats, thereby becoming on his own admission a wash-
+tub--"
+
+"Order! order!" cried Sir Christopher.
+
+"I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled by a
+launch or any other craft with a speed of thirty knots a mouth,"
+continued Noah, ignoring the interruption.
+
+"Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!" sneered Sir
+Christopher.
+
+"Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, I'll admit,"
+retorted Noah, "if she'd sprung a leak at the right time."
+
+"Granting the truth of Noah's statement," said Sir Walter, motioning
+to the angry architect to be quiet--"not that we take any side in the
+issue between the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument-
+-I wish to ask the stranger who has been good enough to interest
+himself in our trouble what he proposes to do--how can you establish
+your course in case a boat were provided?"
+
+"Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?" put in Shylock.
+
+A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark.
+
+"The cost need not trouble you, sir," said Sir Walter, indignantly,
+addressing the stranger; "you will have carte blanche."
+
+"Den ve are ruint!" cried Shylock, displaying his palms, and showing
+by that act a select assortment of diamond rings.
+
+"Oh," laughed the stranger, "that is a simple matter.  Captain Kidd
+has gone to London."
+
+"To London!" cried several members at once.  "How do you know that?"
+
+"By this," said the stranger, holding up the tiny stub end of a
+cigar.
+
+"Tut-tut!" ejaculated Solomon.  "What child's play is this!"
+
+"No, your Majesty," observed the stranger, "it is not child's play;
+it is fact.  That cigar end was thrown aside here on the wharf by
+Captain Kidd just before he stepped on board the House-boat."
+
+"How do you know that?" demanded Raleigh.  "And granting the truth of
+the assertion, what does it prove?"
+
+"I will tell you," said the stranger.  And he at once proceeded as
+follows.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II:  THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF
+
+
+
+"I have made a hobby of the study of cigar ends," said the stranger,
+as the Associated Shades settled back to hear his account of himself.
+"From my earliest youth, when I used surreptitiously to remove the
+unsmoked ends of my father's cigars and break them up, and, in
+hiding, smoke them in an old clay pipe which I had presented to me by
+an ancient sea-captain of my acquaintance, I have been interested in
+tobacco in all forms, even including these self-same despised
+unsmoked ends; for they convey to my mind messages, sentiments,
+farces, comedies, and tragedies which to your minds would never
+become manifest through their agency."
+
+The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a more
+compact mass about the speaker.  It was evident that they were
+beginning to feel an unusual interest in this extraordinary person,
+who had come among them unheralded and unknown.  Even Shylock stopped
+calculating percentages for an instant to listen.
+
+"Do you mean to tell us," demanded Shakespeare, "that the unsmoked
+stub of a cigar will suggest the story of him who smoked it to your
+mind?"
+
+"I do," replied the stranger, with a confident smile.  "Take this
+one, for instance, that I have picked up here upon the wharf; it
+tells me the whole story of the intentions of Captain Kidd at the
+moment when, in utter disregard of your rights, he stepped aboard
+your House-boat, and, in his usual piratical fashion, made off with
+it into unknown seas."
+
+"But how do you know he smoked it?" asked Solomon, who deemed it the
+part of wisdom to be suspicious of the stranger.
+
+"There are two curious indentations in it which prove that.  The
+marks of two teeth, with a hiatus between, which you will see if you
+look closely," said the stranger, handing the small bit of tobacco to
+Sir Walter, "make that point evident beyond peradventure.  The
+Captain lost an eye-tooth in one of his later raids; it was knocked
+out by a marine-spike which had been hurled at him by one of the crew
+of the treasure-ship he and his followers had attacked.  The adjacent
+teeth were broken, but not removed.  The cigar end bears the marks of
+those two jagged molars, with the hiatus, which, as I have indicated,
+is due to the destruction of the eye-tooth between them.  It is not
+likely that there was another man in the pirate's crew with teeth
+exactly like the commander's, therefore I say there can be no doubt
+that the cigar end was that of the Captain himself."
+
+"Very interesting indeed," observed Blackstone, removing his wig and
+fanning himself with it; "but I must confess, Mr. Chairman, that in
+any properly constituted law court this evidence would long since
+have been ruled out as irrelevant and absurd.  The idea of two or
+three hundred dignified spirits like ourselves, gathered together to
+devise a means for the recovery of our property and the rescue of our
+wives, yielding the floor to the delivering of a lecture by an entire
+stranger on 'Cigar Ends He Has Met,' strikes me as ridiculous in the
+extreme.  Of what earthly interest is it to us to know that this or
+that cigar was smoked by Captain Kidd?"
+
+"Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover the
+whereabouts of the said Kidd," interposed the stranger.  "It is by
+trifles, seeming trifles, that the greatest detective work is done.
+My friends Le Coq, Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth will bear me out in this,
+I think, however much in other respects our methods may have
+differed.  They left no stone unturned in the pursuit of a criminal;
+no detail, however trifling, uncared for.  No more should we in the
+present instance overlook the minutest bit of evidence, however
+irrelevant and absurd at first blush it may appear to be.  The truth
+of what I say was very effectually proven in the strange case of the
+Brokedale tiara, in which I figured somewhat conspicuously, but which
+have never made public, because it involves a secret affecting the
+integrity of one of the noblest families in the British Empire.  I
+really believe that mystery was solved easily and at once because I
+happened to remember that the number of my watch was 86507B.  How
+trivial and yet how important it was, to what then transpired, you
+will realize when I tell you the incident."
+
+The stranger's manner was so impressive that there was a unanimous
+and simultaneous movement upon the part of all present to get up
+closer, so as the more readily to hear what he said, as a result of
+which poor old Boswell was pushed overboard, and fell, with a loud
+splash into the Styx.  Fortunately, however, one of Charon's
+pleasure-boats was close at hand, and in a short while the dripping,
+sputtering spirit was drawn into it, wrung out, and sent home to dry.
+The excitement attending this diversion having subsided, Solomon
+asked:
+
+"What was the incident of the lost tiara?"
+
+"I am about to tell you," returned the stranger; "and it must be
+understood that you are told in the strictest confidence, for, as I
+say, the incident involves a state secret of great magnitude.  In
+life--in the mortal life--gentlemen, I was a detective by profession,
+and, if I do say it, who perhaps should not, I was one of the most
+interesting for purely literary purposes that has ever been known.  I
+did not find it necessary to go about saying 'Ha! ha!' as M. Le Coq
+was accustomed to do to advertise his cleverness; neither did I
+disguise myself as a drum-major and hide under a kitchen-table for
+the purpose of solving a mystery involving the abduction of a parlor
+stove, after the manner of the talented Hawkshaw.  By mental
+concentration alone, without fireworks or orchestral accompaniment of
+any sort whatsoever, did I go about my business, and for that very
+reason many of my fellow-sleuths were forced to go out of real
+detective work into that line of the business with which the stage
+has familiarized the most of us--a line in which nothing but
+stupidity, luck, and a yellow wig is required of him who pursues it."
+
+"This man is an impostor," whispered Le Coq to Hawkshaw.
+
+"I've known that all along by the mole on his left wrist," returned
+Hawkshaw, contemptuously.
+
+"I suspected it the minute I saw he was not disguised," returned Le
+Coq, knowingly.  "I have observed that the greatest villains latterly
+have discarded disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and
+therefore of no avail, and merely a useless expense."
+
+"Silence!" cried Confucius, impatiently.  "How can the gentleman
+proceed, with all this conversation going on in the rear?"
+
+Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately subsided, and the stranger went on.
+
+"It was in this way that I treated the strange case of the lost
+tiara," resumed the stranger.  "Mental concentration upon seemingly
+insignificant details alone enabled me to bring about the desired
+results in that instance.  A brief outline of the case is as follows:
+It was late one evening in the early spring of 1894.  The London
+season was at its height.  Dances, fetes of all kinds, opera, and the
+theatres were in full blast, when all of a sudden society was
+paralyzed by a most audacious robbery.  A diamond tiara valued at
+50,000 pounds sterling had been stolen from the Duchess of Brokedale,
+and under circumstances which threw society itself and every
+individual in it under suspicion--even his Royal Highness the Prince
+himself, for he had danced frequently with the Duchess, and was known
+to be a great admirer of her tiara.  It was at half-past eleven
+o'clock at night that the news of the robbery first came to my ears.
+I had been spending the evening alone in my library making notes for
+a second volume of my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, I was
+on the point of going out for my usual midnight walk on Hampstead
+Heath, when one of my servants, hastily entering, informed me of the
+robbery.  I changed my mind in respect to my midnight walk
+immediately upon receipt of the news, for I knew that before one
+o'clock some one would call upon me at my lodgings with reference to
+this robbery.  It could not be otherwise.  Any mystery of such
+magnitude could no more be taken to another bureau than elephants
+could fly--"
+
+"They used to," said Adam.  "I once had a whole aviary full of winged
+elephants.  They flew from flower to flower, and thrusting their
+probabilities deep into--"
+
+"Their what?" queried Johnson, with a frown.
+
+"Probabilities--isn't that the word?  Their trunks," said Adam.
+
+"Probosces, I imagine you mean," suggested Johnson.
+
+"Yes--that was it.  Their probosces," said Adam.  "They were great
+honey-gatherers, those elephants--far better than the bees, because
+they could make so much more of it in a given time."
+
+Munchausen shook his head sadly.  "I'm afraid I'm outclassed by these
+antediluvians," he said.
+
+"Gentlemen! gentlemen!" cried Sir Walter.  "These interruptions are
+inexcusable!"
+
+"That's what I think," said the stranger, with some asperity.  "I'm
+having about as hard a time getting this story out as I would if it
+were a serial.  Of course, if you gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I
+can stop; but it must be understood that when I do stop I stop
+finally, once and for all, because the tale has not a sufficiency of
+dramatic climaxes to warrant its prolongation over the usual magazine
+period of twelve months."
+
+"Go on! go on!" cried some.
+
+"Shut up!" cried others--addressing the interrupting members, of
+course.
+
+"As I was saying," resumed the stranger, "I felt confident that
+within an hour, in some way or other, that case would be placed in my
+hands.  It would be mine either positively or negatively--that is to
+say, either the person robbed would employ me to ferret out the
+mystery and recover the diamonds, or the robber himself, actuated by
+motives of self-preservation, would endeavor to direct my energies
+into other channels until he should have the time to dispose of his
+ill-gotten booty.  A mental discussion of the probabilities inclined
+me to believe that the latter would be the case.  I reasoned in this
+fashion:  The person robbed is of exalted rank.  She cannot move
+rapidly because she is so.  Great bodies move slowly.  It is probable
+that it will be a week before, according to the etiquette by which
+she is hedged about, she can communicate with me.  In the first
+place, she must inform one of her attendants that she has been
+robbed.  He must communicate the news to the functionary in charge of
+her residence, who will communicate with the Home Secretary, and from
+him will issue the orders to the police, who, baffled at every step,
+will finally address themselves to me.  'I'll give that side two
+weeks,' I said.  On the other hand, the robber:  will he allow
+himself to be lulled into a false sense of security by counting on
+this delay, or will he not, noting my habit of occasionally entering
+upon detective enterprises of this nature of my own volition, come to
+me at once and set me to work ferreting out some crime that has never
+been committed?  My feeling was that this would happen, and I pulled
+out my watch to see if it were not nearly time for him to arrive.
+The robbery had taken place at a state ball at the Buckingham Palace.
+'H'm!' I mused.  'He has had an hour and forty minutes to get here.
+It is now twelve-twenty.  He should be here by twelve-forty-five.  I
+will wait.'  And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself
+up for the meeting, I sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer.
+Hardly had I perused a page when there came a tap upon my door.  I
+rose with a smile, for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened
+the door, and there stood, much to my surprise, the husband of the
+lady whose tiara was missing.  It was the Duke of Brokedale himself.
+It is true he was disguised.  His beard was powdered until it looked
+like snow, and he wore a wig and a pair of green goggles; but I
+recognized him at once by his lack of manners, which is an
+unmistakable sign of nobility.  As I opened the door, he began:
+
+"'You are Mr.--'
+
+"'I am,' I replied.  'Come in.  You have come to see me about your
+stolen watch.  It is a gold hunting-case watch with a Swiss movement;
+loses five minutes a day; stem-winder; and the back cover, which does
+not bear any inscription, has upon it the indentations made by the
+molars of your son Willie when that interesting youth was cutting his
+teeth upon it.'"
+
+"Wonderful!" cried Johnson.
+
+"May I ask how you knew all that?" asked Solomon, deeply impressed.
+"Such penetration strikes me as marvellous."
+
+"I didn't know it," replied the stranger, with a smile.  "What I said
+was intended to be jocular, and to put Brokedale at his ease.  The
+Americans present, with their usual astuteness, would term it bluff.
+It was.  I merely rattled on.  I simply did not wish to offend the
+gentleman by letting him know that I had penetrated his disguise.
+Imagine my surprise, however, when his eye brightened as I spoke, and
+he entered my room with such alacrity that half the powder which he
+thought disguised his beard was shaken off on to the floor.  Sitting
+down in the chair I had just vacated, he quietly remarked:
+
+"'You are a wonderful man, sir.  How did you know that I had lost my
+watch?'
+
+"For a moment I was nonplussed; more than that, I was completely
+staggered.  I had expected him to say at once that he had not lost
+his watch, but had come to see me about the tiara; and to have him
+take my words seriously was entirely unexpected and overwhelmingly
+surprising.  However, in view of his rank, I deemed it well to fall
+in with his humour.  'Oh, as for that,' I replied, 'that is a part of
+my business.  It is the detective's place to know everything; and
+generally, if he reveals the machinery by means of which he reaches
+his conclusions, he is a fool, since his method is his secret, and
+his secret his stock-in-trade.  I do not mind telling you, however,
+that I knew your watch was stolen by your anxious glance at my clock,
+which showed that you wished to know the time.  Now most rich
+Americans have watches for that purpose, and have no hesitation about
+showing them.  If you'd had a watch, you'd have looked at it, not at
+my clock.'
+
+"My visitor laughed, and repeated what he had said about my being a
+wonderful man.
+
+"'And the dents which my son made cutting his teeth?' he added.
+
+"'Invariably go with an American's watch.  Rubber or ivory rings
+aren't good enough for American babies to chew on,' said I.  'They
+must have gold watches or nothing.'
+
+"'And finally, how did you know I was a rich American?' he asked.
+
+"'Because no other can afford to stop at hotels like the Savoy in the
+height of the season,' I replied, thinking that the jest would end
+there, and that he would now reveal his identity and speak of the
+tiara.  To my surprise, however, he did nothing of the sort.
+
+"'You have an almost supernatural gift,' he said.  'My name is
+Bunker.  I am stopping at the Savoy.  I AM an American.  I WAS rich
+when I arrived here, but I'm not quite so bloated with wealth as I
+was, now that I have paid my first week's bill.  I HAVE lost my
+watch; such a watch, too, as you describe, even to the dents.  Your
+only mistake was that the dents were made by my son John, and not
+Willie; but even there I cannot but wonder at you, for John and
+Willie are twins, and so much alike that it sometimes baffles even
+their mother to tell them apart.  The watch has no very great value
+intrinsically, but the associations are such that I want it back, and
+I will pay 200 pounds for its recovery.  I have no clew as to who
+took it.  It was numbered--'
+
+"Here a happy thought struck me.  In all my description of the watch
+I had merely described my own, a very cheap affair which I had won at
+a raffle.  My visitor was deceiving me, though for what purpose I did
+not on the instant divine.  No one would like to suspect him of
+having purloined his wife's tiara.  Why should I not deceive him, and
+at the same time get rid of my poor chronometer for a sum that
+exceeded its value a hundredfold?"
+
+"Good business!" cried Shylock.
+
+The stranger smiled and bowed.
+
+"Excellent," he said.  "I took the words right out of his mouth.  'It
+was numbered 86507B!' I cried, giving, of course, the number of my
+own watch.
+
+"He gazed at me narrowly for a moment, and then he smiled.  'You grow
+more marvellous at every step.  That was indeed the number.  Are you
+a demon?'
+
+"'No,' I replied.  'Only something of a mind-reader.'
+
+"Well, to be brief, the bargain was struck.  I was to look for a
+watch that I knew he hadn't lost, and was to receive 200 pounds if I
+found it.  It seemed to him to be a very good bargain, as, indeed, it
+was, from his point of view, feeling, as he did, that there never
+having been any such watch, it could not be recovered, and little
+suspecting that two could play at his little game of deception, and
+that under any circumstances I could foist a ten-shilling watch upon
+him for two hundred pounds.  This business concluded, he started to
+go.
+
+"'Won't you have a little Scotch?' I asked, as he started, feeling,
+with all that prospective profit in view, I could well afford the
+expense.  'It is a stormy night.'
+
+"'Thanks, I will,' said he, returning and seating himself by my
+table--still, to my surprise, keeping his hat on.
+
+"'Let me take your hat,' I said, little thinking that my courtesy
+would reveal the true state of affairs.  The mere mention of the word
+hat brought about a terrible change in my visitor; his knees
+trembled, his face grew ghastly, and he clutched the brim of his
+beaver until it cracked.  He then nervously removed it, and I noticed
+a dull red mark running about his forehead, just as there would be on
+the forehead of a man whose hat fitted too tightly; and that mark,
+gentlemen, had the undulating outline of nothing more nor less than a
+tiara, and on the apex of the uttermost extremity was a deep
+indentation about the size of a shilling, that could have been made
+only by some adamantine substance!  The mystery was solved!  The
+robber of the Duchess of Brokedale stood before me."
+
+A suppressed murmur of excitement went through the assembled spirits,
+and even Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le Coq were silent in the presence of
+such genius.
+
+"My plan of action was immediately formulated.  The man was
+completely at my mercy.  He had stolen the tiara, and had it
+concealed in the lining of his hat.  I rose and locked the door.  My
+visitor sank with a groan into my chair.
+
+"'Why did you do that?' he stammered, as I turned the key in the
+lock.
+
+"'To keep my Scotch whiskey from evaporating,' I said, dryly.  'Now,
+my lord,' I added, 'it will pay your Grace to let me have your hat.
+I know who you are.  You are the Duke of Brokedale.  The Duchess of
+Brokedale has lost a valuable tiara of diamonds, and you have not
+lost your watch.  Somebody has stolen the diamonds, and it may be
+that somewhere there is a Bunker who has lost such a watch as I have
+described.  The queer part of it all is,' I continued, handing him
+the decanter, and taking a couple of loaded six-shooters out of my
+escritoire--'the queer part of it all is that I have the watch and
+you have the tiara.  We'll swap the swag.  Hand over the bauble,
+please.'
+
+"'But--' he began.
+
+"'We won't have any butting, your Grace,' said I.  'I'll give you the
+watch, and you needn't mind the 200 pounds; and you must give me the
+tiara, or I'll accompany you forthwith to the police, and have a
+search made of your hat.  It won't pay you to defy me.  Give it up.'
+
+"He gave up the hat at once, and, as I suspected, there lay the
+tiara, snugly stowed away behind the head-band.
+
+"'You are a great fellow,' said I, as I held the tiara up to the
+light and watched with pleasure the flashing brilliance of its gems.
+
+"'I beg you'll not expose me,' he moaned.  'I was driven to it by
+necessity.'
+
+"'Not I,' I replied.  'As long as you play fair it will be all right.
+I'm not going to keep this thing.  I'm not married, and so have no
+use for such a trifle; but what I do intend is simply to wait until
+your wife retains me to find it, and then I'll find it and get the
+reward.  If you keep perfectly still, I'll have it found in such a
+fashion that you'll never be suspected.  If, on the other hand, you
+say a word about to-night's events, I'll hand you over to the
+police.'
+
+"'Humph!' he said.  'You couldn't prove a case against me.'
+
+"'I can prove any case against anybody,' I retorted.  'If you don't
+believe it, read my book,' I added, and I handed him a copy of my
+memoirs.
+
+"'I've read it,' he answered, 'and I ought to have known better than
+to come here.  I thought you were only a literary success.'  And with
+a deep-drawn sigh he took the watch and went out.  Ten days later I
+was retained by the Duchess, and after a pretended search of ten days
+more I found the tiara, restored it to the noble lady, and received
+the 5000 pounds reward.  The Duke kept perfectly quiet about our
+little encounter, and afterwards we became stanch friends; for he was
+a good fellow, and was driven to his desperate deed only by the
+demands of his creditors, and the following Christmas he sent me the
+watch I had given him, with the best wishes of the season.
+
+"So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, by quick wit and a mental
+concentration of no mean order, combined with strict observance of
+the pettiest details, I ferreted out what bade fair to become a great
+diamond mystery; and when I say that this cigar end proves certain
+things to my mind, it does not become you to doubt the value of my
+conclusions."
+
+"Hear! hear!" cried Raleigh, growing tumultuous with enthusiasm.
+
+"Your name? your name?" came from all parts of the wharf.
+
+The stranger, putting his hand into the folds of his coat, drew forth
+a bundle of business cards, which he tossed, as the prestidigitator
+tosses playing-cards, out among the audience, and on each of them was
+found printed the words:
+
+
+SHERLOCK HOLMES,
+DETECTIVE.
+FERRETING DONE HERE.
+Plots for Sale.
+
+
+"I think he made a mistake in not taking the 200 pounds for the
+watch.  Such carelessness destroys my confidence in him," said
+Shylock, who was the first to recover from the surprise of the
+revelation.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III:  THE SEARCH-PARTY IS ORGANIZED
+
+
+
+"Well, Mr. Holmes," said Sir Walter Raleigh, after three rousing
+cheers, led by Hamlet, had been given with a will by the assembled
+spirits, "after this demonstration in your honor I think it is hardly
+necessary for me to assure you of our hearty co-operation in anything
+you may venture to suggest.  There is still manifest, however, some
+desire on the part of the ever-wise King Solomon and my friend
+Confucius to know how you deduce that Kidd has sailed for London,
+from the cigar end which you hold in your hand."
+
+"I can easily satisfy their curiosity," said Sherlock Holmes,
+genially.  "I believe I have already proven that it is the end of
+Kidd's cigar.  The marks of the teeth have shown that.  Now observe
+how closely it is smoked--there is barely enough of it left for one
+to insert between his teeth.  Now Captain Kidd would hardly have
+risked the edges of his mustache and the comfort of his lips by
+smoking a cigar down to the very light if he had had another; nor
+would he under any circumstances have smoked it that far unless he
+were passionately addicted to this particular brand of the weed.
+Therefore I say to you, first, this was his cigar; second, it was the
+last one he had; third, he is a confirmed smoker.  The result, he has
+gone to the one place in the world where these Connecticut hand-
+rolled Havana cigars--for I recognize this as one of them--have a
+real popularity, and are therefore more certainly obtainable, and
+that is at London.  You cannot get so vile a cigar as that outside of
+a London hotel.  If I could have seen a quarter-inch more of it, I
+should have been able definitely to locate the hotel itself.  The
+wrappers unroll to a degree that varies perceptibly as between the
+different hotels.  The Fortuna cigar can be smoked a quarter through
+before its wrapper gives way; the Felix wrapper goes as soon as you
+light the cigar; whereas the River, fronting on the Thames, is
+surrounded by a moister atmosphere than the others, and, as a
+consequence, the wrapper will hold really until most people are
+willing to throw the whole thing away."
+
+"It is really a wonderful art!" said Solomon.
+
+"The making of a Connecticut Havana cigar?" laughed Holmes.  "Not at
+all.  Give me a head of lettuce and a straw, and I'll make you a
+box."
+
+"I referred to your art--that of detection," said Solomon.  "Your
+logic is perfect; step by step we have been led to the irresistible
+conclusion that Kidd has made for London, and can be found at one of
+these hotels."
+
+"And only until next Tuesday, when he will take a house in the
+neighborhood of Scotland Yard," put in Holmes, quickly, observing a
+sneer on Hawkshaw's lips, and hastening to overwhelm him by further
+evidence of his ingenuity.  "When he gets his bill he will open his
+piratical eyes so wide that he will be seized with jealousy to think
+of how much more refined his profession has become since he left it,
+and out of mere pique he will leave the hotel, and, to show himself
+still cleverer than his modern prototypes, he will leave his account
+unpaid, with the result that the affair will be put in the hands of
+the police, under which circumstances a house in the immediate
+vicinity of the famous police headquarters will be the safest hiding-
+place he can find, as was instanced by the remarkable case of the
+famous Penstock bond robbery.  A certain churchwarden named Hinkley,
+having been appointed cashier thereof, robbed the Penstock Imperial
+Bank of 1,000,000 pounds in bonds, and, fleeing to London, actually
+joined the detective force at Scotland Yard, and was detailed to find
+himself, which of course he never did, nor would he ever have been
+found had he not crossed my path."
+
+Hawkshaw gazed mournfully off into space, and Le Coq muttered profane
+words under his breath.
+
+"We're not in the same class with this fellow, Hawkshaw," said Le
+Coq.  "You could tap your forehead knowingly eight hours a day
+through all eternity with a sledge-hammer without loosening an idea
+like that."
+
+"Nevertheless I'll confound him yet," growled the jealous detective.
+"I shall myself go to London, and, disguised as Captain Kidd, will
+lead this visionary on until he comes there to arrest me, and when
+these club members discover that it is Hawkshaw and not Kidd he has
+run to earth, we'll have a great laugh on Sherlock Holmes."
+
+"I am anxious to hear how you solved the bond-robbery mystery," said
+Socrates, wrapping his toga closely about him and settling back
+against one of the spiles of the wharf.
+
+"So are we all," said Sir Walter.  "But meantime the House-boat is
+getting farther away."
+
+"Not unless she's sailing backwards," sneered Noah, who was still
+nursing his resentment against Sir Christopher Wren for his
+reflections upon the speed of the Ark
+
+"What's the hurry?" asked Socrates.  "I believe in making haste
+slowly; and on the admission of our two eminent naval architects, Sir
+Christopher and Noah, neither of their vessels can travel more than a
+mile a week, and if we charter the Flying Dutchman to go in pursuit
+of her we can catch her before she gets out of the Styx into the
+Atlantic."
+
+"Jonah might lend us his whale, if the beast is in commission,"
+suggested Munchausen, dryly.  "I for one would rather take a state-
+room in Jonah's whale than go aboard the Flying Dutchman again.  I
+made one trip on the Dutchman, and she's worse than a dory for
+comfort; further--I don't see what good it would do us to charter a
+boat that can't land oftener than once in seven years, and spends
+most of her time trying to double the Cape of Good Hope."
+
+"My whale is in commission," said Jonah, with dignity.  "But Baron
+Munchausen need not consider the question of taking a state-room
+aboard of her.  She doesn't carry second-class passengers.  And if I
+took any stock in the idea of a trip on the Flying Dutchman amounting
+to a seven years' exile, I would cheerfully pay the Baron's expenses
+for a round trip."
+
+"We are losing time, gentlemen," suggested Sherlock Holmes.  "This is
+a moment, I think, when you should lay aside personal differences and
+personal preferences for immediate action.  I have examined the wake
+of the House-boat, and I judge from the condition of what, for want
+of a better term, I may call the suds, when she left us the House-
+boat was making ten knots a day.  Almost any craft we can find
+suitably manned ought to be able to do better than that; and if you
+could summon Charon and ascertain what boats he has at hand, it would
+be for the good of all concerned."
+
+"That's a good plan," said Johnson.  "Boswell, see if you can find
+Charon."
+
+"I am here already, sir," returned the ferryman, rising.  "Most of my
+boats have gone into winter quarters, your Honor.  The Mayflower went
+into dry dock last week to be calked up; the Pinta and the Santa
+Maria are slow and cranky; the Monitor and the Merrimac I haven't
+really had time to patch up; and the Valkyrie is two months overdue.
+I cannot make up my mind whether she is lost or kept back by
+excursion steamers.  Hence I really don't know what I can lend you.
+Any of these boat I have named you could have had for nothing; but my
+others are actively employed, and I couldn't let them go without a
+serious interference with my business."
+
+The old man blinked sorrowfully across the waters at the opposite
+shore.  It was quite evident that he realized what a dreadful expense
+the club was about to be put to, and while of course there would be
+profit in it for him, he was sincerely sorry for them.
+
+"I repeat," he added, "those boats you could have had for nothing,
+but the others I'd have to charge you for, though of course I'll give
+you a discount."
+
+And he blinked again, as he meditated upon whether that discount
+should be an eighth or one-quarter of one per cent.
+
+"The Flying Dutchman," he pursued, "ain't no good for your purposes.
+She's too fast.  She's built to fly by, not to stop.  You'd catch up
+with the House-boat in a minute with her, but you'd go right on and
+disappear like a visionary; and as for the Ark, she'd never do--with
+all respect to Mr. Noah.  She's just about as suitable as any other
+waterlogged cattle-steamer'd be, and no more--first-rate for
+elephants and kangaroos, but no good for cruiser-work, and so slow
+she wouldn't make a ripple high enough to drown a gnat going at the
+top of her speed.  Furthermore, she's got a great big hole in her
+bottom, where she was stove in by running afoul of--Mount Arrus-root,
+I believe it was called when Captain Noah went cruising with that
+menagerie of his."
+
+"That's an unmitigated falsehood!" cried Noah, angrily.  "This man
+talks like a professional amateur yachtsman.  He has no regard for
+facts, but simply goes ahead and makes statements with an utter
+disregard of the truth.  The Ark was not stove in.  We beached her
+very successfully.  I say this in defence of my seamanship, which was
+top-notch for my day."
+
+"Couldn't sail six weeks without fouling a mountain-peak!" sneered
+Wren, perceiving a chance to get even.
+
+"The hole's there, just the same," said Charon.  "Maybe she was a
+centreboard, sad that's where you kept the board."
+
+"The hole is there because it was worn there by one of the
+elephants," retorted Noah.  "You get a beast like the elephant
+shuffling one of his fore-feet up and down, up and down, a plank for
+twenty-four hours a day for forty days in one of your boats, and see
+where your boat would be."
+
+"Thanks," said Charon, calmly.  "But the elephants don't patronize my
+line.  All the elephants I've ever seen in Hades waded over, except
+Jumbo, and he reached his trunk across, fastened on to a tree limb
+with it, and swung himself over.  However, the Ark isn't at all what
+you want, unless you are going to man her with a lot of centaurs.  If
+that's your intention, I'd charter her; the accommodations are just
+the thing for a crew of that kind."
+
+"Well, what do you suggest?" asked Raleigh, somewhat impatiently.
+"You've told us what we can't do.  Now tell us what we can do."
+
+"I'd stay right here," said Charon, "and let the ladies rescue
+themselves.  That's what I'd do.  I've had the honor of bringing 'em
+over here, and I think I know 'em pretty well.  I've watched 'em
+close, and it's my private opinion that before many days you'll see
+your club-house sailing back here, with Queen Elizabeth at the
+hellum, and the other ladies on the for'ard deck knittin' and
+crochetin', and tearin' each other to pieces in a conversational way,
+as happy as if there never had been any Captain Kidd and his pirate
+crew."
+
+"That suggestion is impossible," said Blackstone, rising.  "Whether
+the relief expedition amounts to anything or not, it's good to be set
+going.  The ladies would never forgive us if we sat here inactive,
+even if they were capable of rescuing themselves.  It is an accepted
+principle of law that this climate hath no fury like a woman left to
+herself, and we've got enough professional furies hereabouts without
+our aiding in augmenting the ranks.  We must have a boat."
+
+"It'll cost you a thousand dollars a week," said Charon.
+
+"I'll subscribe fifty," cried Hamlet.
+
+"I'll consult my secretary," said Solomon, "and find out how many of
+my wives have been abducted, and I'll pay ten dollars apiece for
+their recovery."
+
+"That's liberal," said Hawkshaw.  "There are sixty-three of 'em on
+board, together with eighty of his fiancees.  What's the quotation on
+fiancees, King Solomon?"
+
+"Nothing," said Solomon.  "They're not mine yet, and it's their
+father's business to get 'em back.  Not mine."
+
+Other subscriptions came pouring in, and it was not long before
+everybody save Shylock had put his name down for something.  This
+some one of the more quick-witted of the spirits soon observed, and,
+with reckless disregard of the feelings of the Merchant of Venice,
+began to call, "Shylock!  Shylock!  How much?"
+
+The Merchant tried to leave the pier, but his path was blocked.
+
+"Subscribe, subscribe!" was the cry.  "How much?"
+
+"Order, gentlemen, order!" said Sir Walter, rising and holding a
+bottle aloft.  "A black person by the name of Friday, a valet of our
+friend Mr. Crusoe, has just handed me this bottle, which he picked up
+ten minutes ago on the bank of the river a few miles distant.  It
+contains a bit of paper, and may perhaps give us a clew based upon
+something more substantial than even the wonderful theories of our
+new brother Holmes."
+
+A deathly silence followed the chairman's words, as Sir Walter drew a
+corkscrew from his pocket and opened the bottle.  He extracted the
+paper, and, as he had surmised, it proved to be a message from the
+missing vessel.  His face brightening with a smile of relief, Sir
+Walter read, aloud:
+
+"Have just emerged into the Atlantic Club in hands of Kidd and forty
+ruffians.  One hundred and eighty-three ladies on board.  Headed for
+the Azores.  Send aid at once.  All well except Xanthippe, who is
+seasick in the billiard-room.  (Signed) Portia."
+
+"Aha!" cried Hawkshaw.  "That shows how valuable the Holmes theory
+is."
+
+"Precisely," said Holmes.  "No woman knows anything about seafaring,
+but Portia is right.  The ship is headed for the Azores, which is the
+first tack needed in a windward sail for London under the present
+conditions."
+
+The reply was greeted with cheers, and when they subsided the cry for
+Shylock's subscription began again, but he declined.
+
+"I had intended to put up a thousand ducats," he said, defiantly,
+"but with that woman Portia on board I won't give a red obolus!" and
+with that he wrapped his cloak about him and stalked off into the
+gathering shadows of the wood.
+
+And so the funds were raised without the aid of Shylock, and the
+shapely twin-screw steamer the Gehenna was chartered of Charon, and
+put under the command of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who, after he had
+thanked the company for their confidence, walked abstractedly away,
+observing in strictest confidence to himself that he had done well to
+prepare that bottle beforehand and bribe Crusoe's man to find it.
+
+"For now," he said, with a chuckle, "I can get back to earth again
+free of cost on my own hook, whether my eminent inventor wants me
+there or not.  I never approved of his killing me off as he did at
+the very height of my popularity."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV:  ON BOARD THE HOUSE-BOAT
+
+
+
+Meanwhile the ladies were not having such a bad time, after all.
+Once having gained possession of the House-boat, they were loath to
+think of ever having to give it up again, and it is an open question
+in my mind if they would not have made off with it themselves had
+Captain Kidd and his men not done it for them.
+
+"I'll never forgive these men for their selfishness in monopolizing
+all this," said Elizabeth, with a vicious stroke of a billiard-cue,
+which missed the cue-ball and tore a right angle in the cloth.  "It
+is not right."
+
+"No," said Portia.  "It is all wrong; and when we get back home I'm
+going to give my beloved Bassanio a piece of my mind; and if he
+doesn't give in to me, I'LL reverse my decision in the famous case of
+Shylock versus Antonio."
+
+"Then I sincerely hope he doesn't give in," retorted Cleopatra, "for
+I swear by all my auburn locks that that was the very worst bit of
+injustice ever perpetrated.  Mr. Shakespeare confided to me one
+night, at one of Mrs. Caesar's card-parties, that he regarded that as
+the biggest joke he ever wrote, and Judge Blackstone observed to
+Antony that the decision wouldn't have held in any court of equity
+outside of Venice.  If you owe a man a thousand ducats, and it costs
+you three thousand to get them, that's your affair, not his.  If it
+cost Antonio every drop of his bluest blood to pay the pound of
+flesh, it was Antonio's affair, not Shylock's.  However, the world
+applauds you as a great jurist, when you have nothing more than a
+woman's keen instinct for sentimental technicalities."
+
+"It would have made a horrid play, though, if it had gone on,"
+shuddered Elizabeth.
+
+"That may be, but, carried out realistically, it would have done away
+with a raft of bad actors," said Cleopatra.  "I'm half sorry it
+didn't go on, and I'm sure it wouldn't have been any worse than
+compelling Brutus to fall on his sword until he resembles a chicken
+liver en brochette, as is done in that Julius Caesar play."
+
+"Well, I'm very glad I did it," snapped Portia.
+
+"I should think you would be," said Cleopatra.  "If you hadn't done
+it, you'd never have been known.  What was that?"
+
+The boat had given a slight lurch.
+
+"Didn't you hear a shuffling noise up on deck, Portia?" asked the
+Egyptian Queen.
+
+"I thought I did, and it seemed as if the vessel had moved a bit,"
+returned Portia, nervously; for, like most women in an advanced state
+of development, she had become a martyr to her nerves.
+
+"It was merely the wash from one of Charon's new ferry-boats, I
+fancy," said Elizabeth, calmly.  "It's disgusting, the way that old
+fellow allows these modern innovations to be brought in here!  As if
+the old paddle-boats he used to carry shades in weren't good enough
+for the immigrants of this age!  Really this Styx River is losing a
+great deal of its charm.  Sir Walter and I were upset, while out
+rowing one day last summer, by the waves kicked up by one of Charon's
+excursion steamers going up the river with a party of picnickers from
+the city--the Greater Gehenna Chowder Club, I believe it was--on
+board of her.  One might just as well live in the midst of the
+turmoil of a great city as try to get uninterrupted quiet here in the
+suburbs in these days.  Charon isn't content to get rich slowly; he
+must make money by the barrelful, if he has to sacrifice all the
+comfort of everybody living on this river.  Anybody'd think he was an
+American, the way he goes on; and everybody else here is the same
+way.  The Erebeans are getting to be a race of shopkeepers."
+
+"I think myself," sighed Cleopatra, "that Hades is being spoiled by
+the introduction of American ideas--it is getting by far too
+democratic for my tastes; and if it isn't stopped, it's my belief
+that the best people will stop coming here.  Take Madame Recamier's
+salon as it is now and compare it with what it used to be!  In the
+early days, after her arrival here, everybody went because it was the
+swell thing, and you'd be sure of meeting the intellectually elect.
+On the one hand you'd find Sophocles; on the other, Cicero; across
+the room would be Horace chatting gayly with some such person as
+myself.  Great warriors, from Alexander to Bonaparte, were there, and
+glad of the opportunity to be there, too; statesmen like
+Macchiavelli; artists like Cellini or Tintoretto.  You couldn't move
+without stepping on the toes of genius.  But now all is different.
+The money-getting instinct has been aroused within them all, with the
+result that when I invited Mozart to meet a few friends at dinner at
+my place last autumn, he sent me a card stating his terms for
+dinners.  Let me see, I think I have it with me; I've kept it by me
+for fear of losing it, it is such a complete revelation of the actual
+condition of affairs in this locality.  Ah! this is it," she added,
+taking a small bit of pasteboard from her card-case.  "Read that."
+
+The card was passed about, and all the ladies were much astonished--
+and naturally so, for it ran this wise:
+
+
+NOTICE TO HOSTESSES.
+
+Owing to the very great, constantly growing, and at times vexatious
+demands upon his time socially,
+
+HERR WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART
+
+takes this method of announcing to his friends that on and after
+January 1, 1897, his terms for functions will be as follows:
+
+Dinners with conversation on the         Marks
+    Theory of Music                       500
+Dinners with conversation on the
+    Theory of Music, illustrated          750
+Dinners without any conversation          300
+ Receptions, public, with music           1000
+   "    "   private,                      750
+ Encores (single)                          100
+ Three encores for                         150
+ Autographs                                 10
+
+Positively no Invitations for Five-o'Clock Teas or Morning Musicales
+considered.
+
+
+"Well, I declare!" tittered Elizabeth, as she read.  "Isn't that
+extraordinary?  He's got the three-name craze, too!"
+
+"It's perfectly ridiculous," said Cleopatra.  "But it's fairer than
+Artemus Ward's plan.  Mozart gives notice of his intentions to charge
+you; but with Ward it's different.  He comes, and afterwards sends a
+bill for his fun.  Why, only last week I got a 'quarterly statement'
+from him showing a charge against me of thirty-eight dollars for
+humorous remarks made to my guests at a little chafing-dish party I
+gave in honor of Balzac, and, worst of all, he had marked it 'Please
+remit.'  Even Antony, when he wrote a sonnet to my eyebrow, wouldn't
+let me have it until he had heard whether or not Boswell wanted it
+for publication in the Gossip.  With Rubens giving chalk-talks for
+pay, Phidias doing 'Five-minute Masterpieces in Putty' for suburban
+lyceums, and all the illustrious in other lines turning their genius
+to account through the entertainment bureaus, it's impossible to have
+a salon now."
+
+"You are indeed right," said Madame Recamier, sadly.  "Those were
+palmy days when genius was satisfied with chicken salad and lemonade.
+I shall never forget those nights when the wit and wisdom of all time
+were--ah--were on tap at my house, if I may so speak, at a cost to me
+of lights and supper.  Now the only people who will come for nothing
+are those we used to think of paying to stay away.  Boswell is always
+ready, but you can't run a salon on Boswell."
+
+"Well," said Portia, "I sincerely hope that you won't give up the
+functions altogether, because I have always found them most
+delightful.  It is still possible to have lights and supper."
+
+"I have a plan for next winter," said Madame Recamier, "but I suppose
+I shall be accused of going into the commercial side of it if I adopt
+it.  The plan is, briefly, to incorporate my salon.  That's an idea
+worthy of an American, I admit; but if I don't do it I'll have to
+give it up entirely, which, as you intimate, would be too bad.  An
+incorporated salon, however, would be a grand thing, if only because
+it would perpetuate the salon.  'The Recamier Salon (Limited)' would
+be a most excellent title, and, suitably capitalized would enable us
+to pay our lions sufficiently.  Private enterprise is powerless under
+modern conditions.  It's as much as I can afford to pay for a dinner,
+without running up an expensive account for guests; and unless we get
+up a salon-trust, as it were, the whole affair must go to the wall."
+
+"How would you make it pay?" asked Portia.  "I can't see where your
+dividends would come from."
+
+"That is simple enough," said Madame Recamier.  "We could put up a
+large reception-hall with a portion of our capital, and advertise a
+series of nights--say one a week throughout the season.  These would
+be Warriors' Night, Story-tellers' Night, Poets' Night, Chafing-dish
+Night under the charge of Brillat-Savarin, and so on.  It would be
+understood that on these particular evenings the most interesting
+people in certain lines would be present, and would mix with
+outsiders, who should be admitted only on payment of a certain sum of
+money.  The commonplace inhabitants of this country could thus meet
+the truly great; and if I know them well, as I think I do, they'll
+pay readily for the privilege.  The obscure love to rub up against
+the famous here as well as they do on earth."
+
+"You'd run a sort of Social Zoo?" suggested Elizabeth.
+
+"Precisely; and provide entertainment for private residences too.  An
+advertisement in Boswell's paper, which everybody buys--"
+
+"And which nobody reads," said Portia.
+
+"They read the advertisements," retorted Madame Recamier.  "As I was
+saying, an advertisement could be placed in Boswell's paper as
+follows:  'Are you giving a Function?  Do you want Talent?  Get your
+Genius at the Recamier Salon (Limited).'  It would be simply
+magnificent as a business enterprise.  The common herd would be
+tickled to death if they could get great people at their homes, even
+if they had to pay roundly for them."
+
+"It would look well in the society notes, wouldn't it, if Mr. John
+Boggs gave a reception, and at the close of the account it said, 'The
+supper was furnished by Calizetti, and the genius by the Recamier
+Salon (Limited)'?" suggested Elizabeth, scornfully.
+
+"I must admit," replied the French lady, "that you call up an
+unpleasant possibility, but I don't really see what else we can do if
+we want to preserve the salon idea.  Somebody has told these talented
+people that they have a commercial value, and they are availing
+themselves of the demand."
+
+"It is a sad age!" sighed Elizabeth.
+
+"Well, all I've got to say is just this," put in Xanthippe:  "You
+people who get up functions have brought this condition of affairs on
+yourselves.  You were not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your
+passion for lions in a moderate fashion.  Take the case of
+Demosthenes last winter, for instance.  His wife told me that he
+dined at home three times during the winter.  The rest of the time he
+was out, here, there, and everywhere, making after-dinner speeches.
+The saving on his dinner bills didn't pay his pebble account, much
+less remunerate him for his time, and the fearful expense of nervous
+energy to which he was subjected.  It was as much as she could do,
+she said, to keep him from shaving one side of his head, so that he
+couldn't go out, the way he used to do in Athens when he was afraid
+he would be invited out and couldn't scare up a decent excuse for
+refusing."
+
+"Did he do that?" cried Elizabeth, with a roar of laughter.
+
+"So the cyclopaedias say.  It's a good plan, too," said Xanthippe.
+"Though Socrates never had to do it.  When I got the notion Socrates
+was going out too much, I used to hide his dress clothes.  Then there
+was the case of Rubens.  He gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza's
+Thursday Night Club, merely to oblige Madame Sforza, and three weeks
+later discovered that she had sold his pictures to pay for her gown!
+You people simply run it into the ground.  You kill the goose that
+when taken at the flood leads on to fortune.  It advertises you, does
+the lion no good, and he is expected to be satisfied with
+confectionery, material and theoretical.  If they are getting tired
+of candy and compliments, it's because you have forced too much of it
+upon them."
+
+"They like it, just the same," retorted Recamier.  "A genius likes
+nothing better than the sound of his own voice, when he feels that it
+is falling on aristocratic ears.  The social laurel rests pleasantly
+on many a noble brow."
+
+"True," said Xanthippe.  "But when a man gets a pile of Christmas
+wreaths a mile high on his head, he begins to wonder what they will
+bring on the market.  An occasional wreath is very nice, but by the
+ton they are apt to weigh on his mind.  Up to a certain point
+notoriety is like a woman, and a man is apt to love it; but when it
+becomes exacting, demanding instead of permitting itself to be
+courted, it loses its charm."
+
+"That is Socratic in its wisdom," smiled Portia.
+
+"But Xanthippic in its origin," returned Xanthippe.  "No man ever
+gave me my ideas."
+
+As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia burst into the room.
+
+"Hurry and save yourselves!" she cried.  "The boat has broken loose
+from her moorings, and is floating down the stream.  If we don't
+hurry up and do something, we'll drift out to sea!"
+
+"What!" cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in terror, and rushing for
+the stairs.  "I was certain I felt a slight motion.  You said it was
+the wash from one of Charon's barges, Elizabeth."
+
+"I thought it was," said Elizabeth, following closely after.
+
+"Well, it wasn't," moaned Lucretia Borgia.  "Calpurnia just looked
+out of the window and discovered that we were in mid-stream."
+
+The ladies crowded anxiously about the stair and attempted to ascend,
+Cleopatra in the van; but as the Egyptian Queen reached the doorway
+to the upper deck, the door opened, and the hard features of Captain
+Kidd were thrust roughly through, and his strident voice rang out
+through the gathering gloom.  "Pipe my eye for a sardine if we
+haven't captured a female seminary!" he cried.
+
+And one by one the ladies, in terror, shrank back into the billiard-
+room, while Kidd, overcome by surprise, slammed the door to, and
+retreated into the darkness of the forward deck to consult with his
+followers as to "what next."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V:  A CONFERENCE ON DECK
+
+
+
+"Here's a kettle of fish!" said Kidd, pulling his chin whisker in
+perplexity as he and his fellow-pirates gathered about the captain to
+discuss the situation.  "I'm blessed if in all my experience I ever
+sailed athwart anything like it afore!  Pirating with a lot of low-
+down ruffians like you gentlemen is bad enough, but on a craft loaded
+to the water's edge with advanced women--I've half a mind to turn
+back."
+
+"If you do, you swim--we'll not turn back with you," retorted
+Abeuchapeta, whom, in honor of his prowess, Kidd had appointed
+executive officer of the House-boat.  "I have no desire to be
+mutinous, Captain Kidd, but I have not embarked upon this enterprise
+for a pleasure sail down the Styx.  I am out for business.  If you
+had thirty thousand women on board, still should I not turn back."
+
+"But what shall we do with 'em?" pleaded Kidd.  "Where can we go
+without attracting attention?  Who's going to feed 'em?  Who's going
+to dress 'em?  Who's going to keep 'em in bonnets?  You don't know
+anything about these creatures, my dear Abeuchapeta; and, by-the-way,
+can't we arbitrate that name of yours?  It would be fearful to
+remember in the excitement of a fight."
+
+"Call him Ab," suggested Sir Henry Morgan, with an ill-concealed
+sneer, for he was deeply jealous of Abeuchapeta's preferral.
+
+"If you do I'll call you Morgue, and change your appearance to fit,"
+retorted Abeuchapeta, angrily.
+
+"By the beards of all my sainted Buccaneers," began Morgan, springing
+angrily to his feet, "I'll have your life!"
+
+"Gentlemen!  Gentlemen--my noble ruffians!" expostulated Kidd.
+"Come, come; this will never do!  I must have no quarrelling among my
+aides.  This is no time for divisions in our councils.  An entirely
+unexpected element has entered into our affairs, and it behooveth us
+to act in concert.  It is no light matter--"
+
+"Excuse me, captain," said Abeuchapeta, "but that is where you and I
+do not agree.  We've got our ship and we've got our crew, and in
+addition we find that the Fates have thrown in a hundred or more
+women to act as ballast.  Now I, for one, do not fear a woman.  We
+can set them to work.  There is plenty for them to do keeping things
+tidy; and if we get into a very hard fight, and come out of the melee
+somewhat the worse for wear, it will be a blessing to have 'em along
+to mend our togas, sew buttons on our uniforms, and darn our
+hosiery."
+
+Morgan laughed sarcastically.  "When did you flourish, if ever,
+colonel?" he asked.
+
+"Do you refer to me?" queried Abeuchapeta, with a frown.
+
+"You have guessed correctly," replied Morgan, icily.  "I have quite
+forgotten your date; were you a success in the year one, or when?"
+
+"Admiral Abeuchapeta, Sir Henry," interposed Kidd, fearing a further
+outbreak of hostilities--"Admiral Abeuchapeta was the terror of the
+seas in the seventh century, and what he undertook to do he did, and
+his piratical enterprises were carried on on a scale of magnificence
+which is without parallel off the comic-opera stage.  He never went
+forth without at least seventy galleys and a hundred other vessels."
+
+Abeuchapeta drew himself up proudly.  "Six-ninety-eight was my great
+year," he said.
+
+"That's what I thought," said Morgan.  "That is to say, you got your
+ideas of women twelve hundred years ago, and the ladies have changed
+somewhat since that time.  I have great respect for you, sir, as a
+ruffian.  I have no doubt that as a ruffian you are a complete
+success, but when it comes to 'feminology' you are sailing in unknown
+waters.  The study of women, my dear Abeuchadnezzar--"
+
+"Peta," retorted Abeuchapeta, irritably.
+
+"I stand corrected.  The study of women, my dear Peter," said Morgan,
+with a wink at Conrad, which fortunately the seventh-century pirate
+did not see, else there would have been an open break--"the study of
+women is more difficult than that of astronomy; there may be two
+stars alike, but all women are unique.  Because she was this, that,
+or the other thing in your day does not prove that she is any one of
+those things in our day--in fact, it proves the contrary.  Why, I
+venture even to say that no individual woman is alike."
+
+"That's rather a hazy thought," said Kidd, scratching his head in a
+puzzled sort of way.
+
+"I mean that she's different from herself at different times," said
+Morgan.  "What is it the poet called her?--'an infinite variety
+show,' or something of that sort; a perpetual vaudeville--a
+continuous performance, as it were, from twelve to twelve."
+
+"Morgan is right, admiral!" put in Conrad the corsair, acting
+temporarily as bo'sun.  "The times are sadly changed, and woman is no
+longer what she was.  She is hardly what she is, much less what she
+was.  The Roman Gynaeceum would be an impossibility to-day.  You
+might as well expect Delilah to open a barber-shop on board this boat
+as ask any of these advanced females below-stairs to sew buttons on a
+pirate's uniform after a fray, or to keep the fringe on his epaulets
+curled.  They're no longer sewing-machines--they are Keeley motors
+for mystery and perpetual motion.  Women have views now they are no
+longer content to be looked at merely; they must see for themselves;
+and the more they see, the more they wish to domesticate man and
+emancipate woman.  It's my private opinion that if we are to get
+along with them at all the best thing to do is to let 'em alone.  I
+have always found I was better off in the abstract, and if this
+question is going to be settled in a purely democratic fashion by
+submitting it to a vote, I'll vote for any measure which involves
+leaving them strictly to themselves.  They're nothing but a lot of
+ghosts anyhow, like ourselves, and we can pretend we don't see them."
+
+"If that could be, it would be excellent," said Morgan; "but it is
+impossible.  For a pirate of the Byronic order, my dear Conrad, you
+are strangely unversed in the ways of the sex which cheers but not
+inebriates.  We can no more ignore their presence upon this boat than
+we can expect whales to spout kerosene.  In the first place, it would
+be excessively impolite of us to cut them--to decline to speak to
+them if they should address us.  We may be pirates, ruffians,
+cutthroats, but I hope we shall never forget that we are gentlemen."
+
+"The whole situation is rather contrary to etiquette, don't you
+think?" suggested Conrad.  "There's nobody to introduce us, and I
+can't really see how we can do otherwise than ignore them.  I
+certainly am not going to stand on deck and make eyes at them, to try
+and pick up an acquaintance with them, even if I am of a Byronic
+strain."
+
+"You forget," said Kidd, "two essential features of the situation.
+These women are at present--or shortly will be, when they realize
+their situation--in distress, and a true gentleman may always fly to
+the rescue of a distressed female; and, the second point, we shall
+soon be on the seas, and I understand that on the fashionable
+transatlantic lines it is now considered de rigueur to speak to
+anybody you choose to.  The introduction business isn't going to
+stand in my way."
+
+"Well, may I ask," put in Abeuchapeta, "just what it is that is
+worrying you?  You said something about feeding them, and dressing
+them, and keeping them in bonnets.  I fancy there's fish enough in
+the sea to feed 'em; and as for their gowns and hats, they can make
+'em themselves.  Every woman is a milliner at heart."
+
+"Exactly, and we'll have to pay the milliners.  That is what bothers
+me.  I was going to lead this expedition to London, Paris, and New
+York, admiral.  That is where the money is, and to get it you've got
+to go ashore, to headquarters.  You cannot nowadays find it on the
+high seas.  Modern civilization," said Kidd, "has ruined the pirate's
+business.  The latest news from the other world has really opened my
+eyes to certain facts that I never dreamed of.  The conditions of the
+day of which I speak are interestingly shown in the experience of our
+friend Hawkins here.  Captain Hawkins, would you have any objection
+to stating to these gentlemen the condition of affairs which led you
+to give up piracy on the high seas?"
+
+"Not the slightest, Captain Kidd," returned Captain Hawkins, who was
+a recent arrival in Hades.  "It is a sad little story, and it gives
+me a pain for to think on it, but none the less I'll tell it, since
+you ask me.  When I were a mere boy, fellow-pirates, I had but one
+ambition, due to my readin', which was confined to stories of a
+Sunday-school nater--to become somethin' different from the little
+Willies an' the clever Tommies what I read about therein.  They was
+all good, an' they went to their reward too soon in life for me, who
+even in them days regarded death as a stuffy an' unpleasant
+diversion.  Learnin' at an early period that virtue was its only
+reward, an' a-wish-in' others, I says to myself:  'Jim,' says I, 'if
+you wishes to become a magnet in this village, be sinful.  If so be
+as you are a good boy, an' kind to your sister an' all other animals,
+you'll end up as a prosperous father with fifteen hundred a year
+sure, with never no hope for no public preferment beyond bein' made
+the super-intendent of the Sunday-school; but if so be as how you're
+bad, you may become famous, an' go to Congress, an' have your picture
+in the Sunday noospapers.'  So I looks around for books tellin' how
+to get 'Famous in Fifty Ways,' an' after due reflection I settles in
+my mind that to be a pirate's just the thing for me, seein' as how
+it's both profitable an' healthy.  Pass-in' over details, let me tell
+you that I became a pirate.  I ran away to sea, an' by dint of
+perseverance, as the Sunday-school book useter say, in my badness I
+soon became the centre of a evil lot; an' when I says to 'em, 'Boys,
+I wants to be a pirate chief,' they hollers back, loud like, 'Jim,
+we're with you,' an' they was.  For years I was the terror of the
+Venezuelan Gulf, the Spanish Main, an' the Pacific seas, but there
+was precious little money into it.  The best pay I got was from a
+Sunday noospaper which paid me well to sign an article on 'Modern
+Piracy' which I didn't write.  Finally business got so bad the crew
+began to murmur, an' I was at my wits' ends to please 'em; when one
+mornin', havin' passed a restless night, I picks up a noospaper and
+sees in it that 'Next Saturday's steamer is a weritable treasure-
+ship, takin' out twelve million dollars, and the jewels of a certain
+prima donna valued at five hundred thousand.'  'Here's my chance,'
+says I, an' I goes to sea and lies in wait for the steamer.  I
+captures her easy, my crew bein' hungry, an' fightin according like.
+We steals the box a-hold-in' the jewels an' the bag containin' the
+millions, hustles back to our own ship, an' makes for our rondyvoo,
+me with two bullets in my leg, four o' my crew killed, and one engin'
+of my ship disabled by a shot--but happy.  Twelve an' a half millions
+at one break is enough to make anybody happy."
+
+"I should say so," said Abeuchapeta, with an ecstatic shake of his
+head.  "I didn't get that in all my career."
+
+"Nor I," sighed Kidd.  "But go on, Hawkins."
+
+"Well, as I says," continued Captain Hawkins, "we goes to the
+rondyvoo to look over our booty.  'Captain 'Awkins,' says my valet--
+for I was a swell pirate, gents, an' never travelled nowhere without
+a man to keep my clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles in my
+trousers--'this 'ere twelve millions,' says he, 'is werry light,'
+says he, carryin' the bag ashore.  'I don't care how light it is, so
+long as it's twelve millions, Henderson,' says I; but my heart sinks
+inside o' me at his words, an' the minute we lands I sits down to
+investigate right there on the beach.  I opens the bag, an' it's the
+one I was after--but the twelve millions!"
+
+"Weren't there?" cried Conrad.
+
+"Yes, they was there," sighed Hawkins, "but every bloomin' million
+was represented by a certified check, an' payable in London!"
+
+"By Jingo!" cried Morgan.  "What fearful luck!  But you had the prima
+donna's jewels."
+
+"Yes," said Hawkins, with a moan.  "But they was like all other prima
+donna's jewels--for advertisin' purposes only, an' made o' gum-
+arabic!"
+
+"Horrible!" said Abeuchapeta.  "And the crew, what did they say?"
+
+"They was a crew of a few words," sighed Hawkins.  "Werry few words,
+an' not a civil word in the lot--mostly adjectives of a profane kind.
+When I told 'em what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for a-
+jiltin' of 'em, an'--well, I came here.  I was 'sas'inated that werry
+night!"
+
+"They killed you?" cried Morgan.
+
+"A dozen times," nodded Hawkins.  "They always was a lavish lot.  I
+met death in all its most horrid forms.  First they stabbed me, then
+they shot me, then they clubbed me, and so on, endin' up with a
+lynchin'--but I didn't mind much after the first, which hurt a bit.
+But now that I'm here I'm glad it happened.  This life is sort of
+less responsible than that other.  You can't hurt a ghost by shooting
+him, because there ain't nothing to hurt, an' I must say I like bein'
+a mere vision what everybody can see through."
+
+"All of which interesting tale proves what?" queried Abeuchapeta.
+
+"That piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days of the check
+banking system," said Kidd.  "If you can get a chance at real gold
+it's all right, but it's of no earthly use to steal checks that
+people can stop payment on.  Therefore it was my plan to visit the
+cities and do a little freebooting there, where solid material wealth
+is to be found."
+
+"Well?  Can't we do it now?" asked Abeuchapeta.
+
+"Not with these women tagging after us," returned Kidd.  "If we went
+to London and lifted the whole Bank of England, these women would
+have it spent on Regent Street inside of twenty-four hours."
+
+"Then leave them on board," said Abeuchapeta.
+
+"And have them steal the ship!" retorted Kidd.  "No.  There are but
+two things to do.  Take 'em back, or land them in Paris.  Tell them
+to spend a week on shore while we are provisioning.  Tell 'em to shop
+to their hearts' content, and while they are doing it we can sneak
+off and leave them stranded."
+
+"Splendid!" cried Morgan.
+
+"But will they consent?" asked Abeuchapeta.
+
+"Consent!  To shop?  In Paris?  For a week?" cried Morgan.
+
+"Ha, ha!" laughed Hawkins.  "Will they consent!  Will a duck swim?"
+
+And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the career of
+the House-boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock Holmes had failed
+to count.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI:  A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS
+
+
+
+When, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the
+House-boat was shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra by
+the unmannerly Kidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who
+thronged the stairs behind them in blank amazement, and the heart of
+Xanthippe, had one chosen to gaze through that diaphanous person's
+ribs, could have been seen to beat angrily.
+
+Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude towards
+her regal self that, having turned, she sat down plump upon the floor
+in the most unroyal fashion.
+
+"Well!" she ejaculated.  "If this does not surpass everything!  The
+idea of it!  Oh for one hour of my olden power, one hour of the axe,
+one hour of the block!"
+
+"Get up," retorted Cleopatra, "and let us all return to the billiard-
+room and discuss this matter calmly.  It is quite evident that
+something has happened of which we wotted little when we came aboard
+this craft."
+
+"That is a good idea," said Calpurnia, retreating below.  "I can see
+through the window that we are in motion.  The vessel has left her
+moorings, and is making considerable headway down the stream, and the
+distinctly masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind
+that the ship is manned, and that this is the result of design rather
+than of accident.  Let us below."
+
+Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the excitement of
+the moment had been forced to assume a position about her forehead
+which gave one the impression that its royal wearer had suddenly
+donned a sombrero.
+
+"Very well," she said.  "Let us below; but oh, for the axe!"
+
+"Bring the lady an axe," cried Xanthippe, sarcastically.  "She wants
+to cut somebody."
+
+The sally was not greeted with applause.  The situation was regarded
+as being too serious to admit of humor, and in silence they filed
+back into the billiard-room, and, arranging themselves in groups,
+stood about anxiously discussing the situation.
+
+"It's getting rougher every minute," sobbed Ophelia.  "Look at those
+pool-balls!"  These were in very truth chasing each other about the
+table in an extraordinary fashion.  "And I wish I'd never followed
+you horrid new creatures on board!" the poor girl added, in an agony
+of despair.
+
+"I believe we've crossed the bar already!" said Cleopatra, gazing out
+of the window at a nasty choppy sea that was adding somewhat to the
+disquietude of the fair gathering.  "If this is merely a joke on the
+part of the Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think
+it is time it should cease."
+
+"Oh, for an axe!" moaned Elizabeth, again.
+
+"Excuse me, your Majesty," put in Xanthippe.  "You said that before,
+and I must say it is getting tiresome.  You couldn't do anything with
+an axe.  Suppose you had one.  What earthly good would it do you, who
+were accustomed to doing all your killing by proxy?  I don't believe,
+if you had the unmannerly person who slammed the door in your face
+lying prostrate upon the billiard-table here, you could hit him a
+square blow in the neck if you had a hundred axes.  Delilah might as
+well cry for her scissors, for all the good it would do us in our
+predicament.  If Cleopatra had her asp with her it might be more to
+the purpose.  One deadly little snake like that let loose on the
+upper deck would doubtless drive these boors into the sea, and even
+then our condition would not be bettered, for there isn't any of us
+that can sail a boat.  There isn't an old salt among us."
+
+"Too bad Mrs. Lot isn't along," giggled Marguerite de Valois, whose
+Gallic spirits were by no means overshadowed by the unhappy
+predicament in which she found herself.
+
+"I'm here," piped up Mrs. Lot.  "But I'm not that kind of a salt."
+
+"I am present," said Mrs. Noah.  "Though why I ever came I don't
+know, for I vowed the minute I set my foot on Ararat that dry land
+was good enough for me, and that I'd never step aboard another boat
+as long as I lived.  If, however, now that I am here, I can give you
+the benefit of my nautical experience, you are all perfectly welcome
+to it."
+
+"I'm sure we're very much obliged for the offer," said Portia, "but
+in the emergency which has arisen we cannot say how much obliged we
+are until we know what your experience amounted to.  Before relying
+upon you we ought to know how far that reliance can go--not that I
+lack confidence in you, my dear madam, but that in an hour of peril
+one must take care, to rely upon the oak, not upon the reed."
+
+"The point is properly taken," said Elizabeth, "and I wish to say
+here that I am easier in my mind when I realize that we have with us
+so level-headed a person as the lady who has just spoken.  She has
+spoken truly and to the point.  If I were to become queen again, I
+should make her my attorney-general.  We must not go ahead
+impulsively, but look at all things in a calm, judicial manner."
+
+"Which is pretty hard work with a sea like this on," remarked
+Ophelia, faintly, for she was getting a trifle sallow, as indeed she
+might, for the House-boat was beginning to roll tremendously with no
+alleviation save an occasional pitch, which was an alleviation only
+in the sense that it gave variety to their discomfort.  "I don't
+believe a chief-justice could look at things calmly and in a judicial
+manner if he felt as I do."
+
+"Poor dear!" said the matronly Mrs. Noah, sympathetically.  "I know
+exactly how you feel.  I have been there myself.  The fourth day out
+I and my whole family were in the same condition, except that Noah,
+my husband, was so very far gone that I could not afford to yield.  I
+nursed him for six days before he got his sea-legs on, and then
+succumbed myself."
+
+"But," gasped Ophelia, "that doesn't help me -
+
+"It did my husband," said Mrs. Noah.
+
+"When he heard that the boys were seasick too, he actually laughed
+and began to get better right away.  There is really only one cure
+for the mal de mer, and that is the fun of knowing that somebody else
+is suffering too.  If some of you ladies would kindly yield to the
+seductions of the sea, I think we could get this poor girl on her
+feet in an instant."
+
+Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there was no immediate response to
+this appeal, and the unhappy young woman was forced to suffer in
+solitude.
+
+"We have no time for untimely diversions of this sort," snapped
+Xanthippe, with a scornful glance at the suffering Ophelia, who,
+having retired to a comfortable lounge at an end of the room, was
+evidently improving.  "I have no sympathy with this habit some of my
+sex seem to have acquired of succumbing to an immediate sensation of
+this nature."
+
+"I hope to be pardoned for interrupting," said Mrs. Noah, with a
+great deal of firmness, "but I wish Mrs. Socrates to understand that
+it is rather early in the voyage for her to lay down any such broad
+principle as that, and for her own sake to-morrow, I think it would
+be well if she withdrew the sentiment.  There are certain things
+about a sea-voyage that are more or less beyond the control of man or
+woman, and any one who chides that poor suffering child on yonder
+sofa ought to be more confident than Mrs. Socrates can possibly be
+that within an hour she will not be as badly off.  People who live in
+glass houses should not throw dice."
+
+"I shall never yield to anything so undignified as seasickness, let
+me tell you that," retorted Xanthippe.  "Furthermore, the proverb is
+not as the lady has quoted it.  'People who live in glass houses
+should not throw stones' is the proper version."
+
+"I was not quoting," returned Mrs. Noah, calmly.  "When I said that
+people who live in glass houses should not throw dice, I meant
+precisely what I said.  People who live in glass houses should not
+take chances.  In assuming with such vainglorious positiveness that
+she will not be seasick, the lady who has just spoken is giving
+tremendous odds, as the boys used to say on the Ark when we gathered
+about the table at night and began to make small wagers on the day's
+run."
+
+"I think we had better suspend this discussion," suggested Cleopatra.
+"It is of no immediate interest to any one but Ophelia, and I fancy
+she does not care to dwell upon it at any great length.  It is more
+important that we should decide upon our future course of action.  In
+the first place, the question is who these people up on deck are.  If
+they are the members of the club, we are all right.  They will give
+us our scare, and land us safely again at the pier.  In that event it
+is our womanly duty to manifest no concern, and to seem to be aware
+of nothing unusual in the proceeding.  It would never do to let them
+think that their joke has been a good one.  If, on the other hand, as
+I fear, we are the victims of some horde of ruffians, who have
+pounced upon us unawares, and are going into the business of
+abduction on a wholesale basis, we must meet treachery with
+treachery, strategy with strategy.  I, for one, am perfectly willing
+to make every man on board walk the plank; having confidence in the
+seawomanship of Mrs. Noah and her ability to steer us into port."
+
+"I am quite in accord with these views," put in Madame Recamier, "and
+I move you, Mrs. President, that we organize a series of sub-
+committees--one on treachery, with Lucretia Borgia and Delilah as
+members; one on strategy, consisting of Portia and Queen Elizabeth;
+one on navigation, headed by Mrs. Noah; with a final sub-committee on
+reconnoitre, with Cassandra to look forward, and Mrs. Lot to look
+aft--all of these subordinated to a central committee of safety
+headed by Cleopatra and Calpurnia.  The rest of us can then commit
+ourselves and our interests unreservedly to these ladies, and proceed
+to enjoy ourselves without thought of the morrow."
+
+"I second the motion," said Ophelia, "with the amendment that Madame
+Recamier be appointed chair-lady of another sub-committee, on
+entertainment."
+
+The amendment was accepted, and the motion put.  It was carried with
+an enthusiastic aye, and the organization was complete.
+
+The various committees retired to the several corners of the room to
+discuss their individual lines of action, when a shadow was observed
+to obscure the moonlight which had been streaming in through the
+window.  The faces of Calpurnia and Cleopatra blanched for an
+instant, as, immediately following upon this apparition, a large
+bundle was hurled through the open port into the middle of the room,
+and the shadow vanished.
+
+"Is it a bomb?" cried several of the ladies at once.
+
+"Nonsense!" said Madame Recamier, jumping lightly forward.  "A man
+doesn't mind blowing a woman up, but he'll never blow himself up.
+We're safe enough in that respect.  The thing looks to me like a
+bundle of illustrated papers."
+
+"That's what it is," said Cleopatra who had been investigating.
+"It's rather a discourteous bit of courtesy, tossing them in through
+the window that way, I think, but I presume they mean well.  Dear
+me," she added, as, having untied the bundle, she held one of the
+open papers up before her, "how interesting!  All the latest Paris
+fashions.  Humph!  Look at those sleeves, Elizabeth.  What an
+impregnable fortress you would have been with those sleeves added to
+your ruffs!"
+
+"I should think they'd be very becoming," put in Cassandra, standing
+on her tip-toes and looking over Cleopatra's shoulder.  "That Watteau
+isn't bad, either, is it, now?"
+
+"No," remarked Calpurnia.  "I wonder how a Watteau back like that
+would go on my blue alpaca?"
+
+"Very nicely," said Elizabeth.  "How many gores has it?"
+
+"Five," observed Calpurnia.  "One more than Caesar's toga.  We had to
+have our costumes distinct in some way."
+
+"A remarkable hat, that," nodded Mrs. Lot, her eye catching sight of
+a Virot creation at the top of the page.
+
+"Reminds me of Eve's description of an autumn scene in the garden,"
+smiled Mrs. Noah.  "Gorgeous in its foliage, beautiful thing; though
+I shouldn't have dared wear one in the Ark, with all those hungry
+animals browsing about the upper and lower decks."
+
+"I wonder," remarked Cleopatra, as she cocked her head to one side to
+take in the full effect of an attractive summer gown--"I wonder how
+that waist would make up in blue crepon, with a yoke of lace and a
+stylishly contrasting stock of satin ribbon?"
+
+"It would depend upon how you finished the sleeves," remarked Madame
+Recamier.  "If you had a few puffs of rich brocaded satin set in with
+deeply folded pleats it wouldn't be bad."
+
+"I think it would be very effective," observed Mrs. Noah, "but a
+trifle too light for general wear.  I should want some kind of a wrap
+with it."
+
+"It does need that," assented Elizabeth.  "A wrap made of
+passementerie and jet, with a mousseline de soie ruche about the neck
+held by a chou, would make it fascinating."
+
+"The committee on treachery is ready to report," said Delilah, rising
+from her corner, where she and Lucretia Borgia had been having so
+animated a discussion that they had failed to observe the others
+crowding about Cleopatra and the papers.
+
+"A little sombre," said Cleopatra.  "The corsage is effective, but I
+don't like those basque terminations.  I've never approved of those
+full godets--"
+
+"The committee on treachery," remarked Delilah again, raising her
+voice, "has a suggestion to make."
+
+"I can't get over those sleeves, though," laughed Helen of Troy.
+"What is the use of them?"
+
+"They might be used to get Greeks into Troy," suggested Madame
+Recamier.
+
+"The committee on treachery," roared Delilah, thoroughly angered by
+the absorption of the chairman and others, "has a suggestion to make.
+This is the third and last call."
+
+"Oh, I beg pardon," cried Cleopatra, rapping for order.  "I had
+forgotten all about our committees.  Excuse me, Delilah.  I--ah--was
+absorbed in other matters.  Will you kindly lay your pattern--I
+should say your plan--before us?"
+
+"It is briefly this," said Delilah.  "It has been suggested that we
+invite the crew of this vessel to a chafing-dish party, under the
+supervision of Lucretia Borgia, and that she--"
+
+The balance of the plan was not outlined, for at this point the
+speaker was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door, its instant
+opening, and the appearance in the doorway of that ill-visaged
+ruffian Captain Kidd.
+
+"Ladies," he began, "I have come here to explain to you the situation
+in which you find yourselves.  Have I your permission to speak?"
+
+The ladies started back, but the chairman was equal to the occasion.
+
+"Go on," said Cleopatra, with queenly dignity, turning to the
+interloper; and the pirate proceeded to take the second step in the
+nefarious plan upon which he and his brother ruffians had agreed, of
+which the tossing in through the window of the bundle of fashion
+papers was the first.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII:  THE "GEHENNA" IS CHARTERED
+
+
+
+It was about twenty-four hours after the events narrated in the
+preceding chapters that Mr. Sherlock Holmes assumed command of the
+Gehenna, which was nothing more nor less than the shadow of the ill-
+starred ocean steamship City of Chicago, which tried some years ago
+to reach Liverpool by taking the overland route through Ireland,
+fortunately without detriment to her passengers and crew, who had the
+pleasure of the experience of shipwreck without any of the
+discomforts of drowning.  As will be remembered, the obstructionist
+nature of the Irish soil prevented the City of Chicago from
+proceeding farther inland than was necessary to keep her well
+balanced amidships upon a convenient and not too stony bed; and that
+after a brief sojourn on the rocks she was finally disposed of to the
+Styx Navigation Company, under which title Charon had had himself
+incorporated, is a matter of nautical history.  The change of name to
+the Gehenna was the act of Charon himself, and was prompted, no
+doubt, by a desire to soften the jealous prejudices of the residents
+of the Stygian capital against the flourishing and ever-growing
+metropolis of Illinois.
+
+The Associated Shades had had some trouble in getting this craft.
+Charon, through his constant association with life on both sides of
+the dark river, had gained a knowledge, more or less intimate, of
+modern business methods, and while as janitor of the club he was
+subject to the will of the House-boat Committee, and sympathized
+deeply with the members of the association in their trouble, as
+president of the Styx Navigation Company he was bound up in certain
+newly attained commercial ideas which were embarrassing to those
+members of the association to whose hands the chartering of a vessel
+had been committed.
+
+"See here, Charon," Sir Walter Raleigh had said, after Charon had
+expressed himself as deeply sympathetic, but unable to shave the
+terms upon which the vessel could be had, "you are an infernal old
+hypocrite.  You go about wringing your hands over our misfortunes
+until they've got as dry and flabby as a pair of kid gloves, and yet
+when we ask you for a ship of suitable size and speed to go out after
+those pirates, you become a sort of twin brother to Shylock, without
+his excuse.  His instincts are accidents of birth.  Yours are
+cultivated, and you know it."
+
+"You are very much mistaken, Sir Walter," Charon had answered to
+this.  "You don't understand my position.  It is a very hard one.  As
+janitor of your club I am really prostrated over the events of the
+past twenty-four hours.  My occupation is gone, and my despair over
+your loss is correspondingly greater, for I have time on my hands to
+brood over it.  I was hysterical as a woman yesterday afternoon--so
+hysterical that I came near upsetting one of the Furies who engaged
+me to row her down to Madame Medusa's villa last evening; and right
+at the sluice of the vitriol reservoir at that."
+
+"Then why the deuce don't you do something to help us?" pleaded
+Hamlet.
+
+"How can I do any more than I have done?  I've offered you the
+Gehenna," retorted Charon.
+
+"But on what terms?" expostulated Raleigh.  "If we had all the wealth
+of the Indies we'd have difficulty in paying you the sums you
+demand."
+
+"But I am only president of the company," explained Charon.  "I'd
+like, as president, to show you some courtesy, and I'm perfectly
+willing to do so; but when it comes down to giving you a vessel like
+that, I'm bound by my official oath to consider the interest of the
+stockholders.  It isn't as it used to be when I had boats to hire in
+my own behalf alone.  In those days I had nobody's interest but my
+own to look after.  Now the ships all belong to the Styx Navigation
+Company.  Can't you see the difference?"
+
+"You own all the stock, don't you?" insisted Raleigh.
+
+"I don't know," Charon answered, blandly.  "I haven't seen the
+transfer-books lately.''
+
+"But you know that you did own every share of it, and that you
+haven't sold any, don't you?" put in Hamlet.
+
+Charon was puzzled for a moment, but shortly his face cleared, and
+Sir Walter's heart sank, for it was evident that the old fellow could
+not be cornered.
+
+"Well, it's this way, Sir Walter, and your Highness," he said, "I--I
+can't say whether any of that stock has been transferred or not.  The
+fact is, I've been speculating a little on margin, and I've put up
+that stock as security, and, for all I know, I may have been sold out
+by my brokers.  I've been so upset by this unfortunate occurrence
+that I haven't seen the market reports for two days.  Really you'll
+have to be content with my offer or go without the Gehenna.  There's
+too much suspicion attached to high corporate officials lately for me
+to yield a jot in the position I have taken.  It would never do to
+get you all ready to start, and then have an injunction clapped on
+you by some unforeseen stockholder who was not satisfied with the
+terms offered you; nor can I ever let it be said of me that to retain
+my position as janitor of your organization I sacrificed a trust
+committed to my charge.  I'll gladly lend you my private launch,
+though I don't think it will aid you much, because the naphtha-tank
+has exploded, and the screw slipped off and went to the bottom two
+weeks ago.  Still, it is at your service, and I've no doubt that
+either Phidias or Benvenuto Cellini will carve out a paddle for you
+if you ask him to."
+
+"Bah!" retorted Raleigh.  "You might as well offer us a pair of
+skates."
+
+"I would, if I thought the river'd freeze," retorted Charon, blandly.
+
+Raleigh and Hamlet turned away impatiently and left Charon to his own
+devices, which for the time being consisted largely of winking his
+other eye quietly and outwardly making a great show of grief.
+
+"He's too canny for us, I am afraid," said Sir Walter.  "We'll have
+to pay him his money."
+
+"Let us first consult Sherlock Holmes," suggested Hamlet, and this
+they proceeded at once to do.
+
+"There is but one thing to be done," observed the astute detective
+after he had heard Sir Walter's statement of the case.  "It is an old
+saying that one should fight fire with fire.  We must meet modern
+business methods with modern commercial ideas.  Charter his vessel at
+his own price."
+
+"But we'd never be able to pay," said Hamlet.
+
+"Ha-ha!" laughed Holmes.  "It is evident that you know nothing of the
+laws of trade nowadays.  Don't pay!"
+
+"But how can we?" asked Raleigh.
+
+"The method is simple.  You haven't anything to pay with," returned
+Holmes.  "Let him sue.  Suppose he gets a verdict.  You haven't
+anything he can attach--if you have, make it over to your wives or
+your fiancees"
+
+"Is that honest?" asked Hamlet, shaking his head doubtfully.
+
+"It's business," said Holmes.
+
+"But suppose he wants an advance payment?" queried Hamlet.
+
+"Give him a check drawn to his own order.  He'll have to endorse it
+when he deposits it, and that will make him responsible," laughed
+Holmes.
+
+"What a simple thing when you understand it!" commented Raleigh.
+
+"Very," said Holmes.  "Business is getting by slow degrees to be an
+exact science.  It reminds me of the Brighton mystery, in which I
+played a modest part some ten years ago, when I first took up
+ferreting as a profession.  I was sitting one night in my room at one
+of the Brighton hotels, which shall be nameless.  I never give the
+name of any of the hotels at which I stop, because it might give
+offence to the proprietors of other hotels, with the result that my
+books would be excluded from sale therein.  Suffice it to say that I
+was spending an early summer Sunday at Brighton with my friend
+Watson.  We had dined well, and were enjoying our evening smoke
+together upon a small balcony overlooking the water, when there came
+a timid knock on the door of my room.
+
+"'Watson,' said I, 'here comes some one for advice.  Do you wish to
+wager a small bottle upon it?'
+
+"'Yes,' he answered, with a smile.  'I am thirsty and I'd like a
+small bottle; and while I do not expect to win, I'll take the bet.  I
+should like to know, though, how you know.'
+
+"'It is quite simple,' said I.  'The timidity of the knock shows that
+my visitor is one of two classes of persons--an autograph-hunter or a
+client, one of the two.  You see I give you a chance to win.  It may
+be an autograph-hunter, but I think it is a client.  If it were a
+creditor, he would knock boldly, even ostentatiously; if it were the
+maid, she would not knock at all; if it were the hall-boy, he would
+not come until I had rung five times for him.  None of these things
+has occurred; the knock is the half-hearted knock which betokens
+either that the person who knocked is in trouble, or is uncertain as
+to his reception.  I am willing, however, considering the heat and my
+desire to quench my thirst, to wager that it is a client.'
+
+"'Done,' said Watson; and I immediately remarked, 'Come in.'
+
+"The door opened, and a man of about thirty-five years of age, in a
+bathing-suit, entered the room, and I saw at a glance what had
+happened.
+
+"'Your name is Burgess,' I said.  'You came here from London this
+morning, expecting to return to-night.  You brought no luggage with
+you.  After luncheon you went bathing.  You had machine No. 35, and
+when you came out of the water you found that No. 35 had disappeared,
+with your clothes and the silver watch your uncle gave you on the day
+you succeeded to his business.'
+
+"Of course, gentlemen," observed the detective, with a smile at Sir
+Walter and Hamlet--"of course the man fairly gasped, and I continued:
+'You have been lying face downward in the sand ever since, waiting
+for nightfall, so that you could come to me for assistance, not
+considering it good form to make an afternoon call upon a stranger at
+his hotel, clad in a bathing-suit.  Am I correct?'
+
+"'Sir,' he replied, with a look of wonder, 'you have narrated my
+story exactly as it happened, and I find I have made no mistake in
+coming to you.  Would you mind telling me what is your course of
+reasoning?'
+
+"'It is plain as day,' said I.  'I am the person with the red beard
+with whom you came down third class from London this morning, and you
+told me your name was Burgess and that you were a butcher.  When you
+looked to see the time, I remarked upon the oddness of your watch,
+which led to your telling me that it was the gift of your uncle.'
+
+"'True,' said Burgess, 'but I did not tell you I had no luggage.'
+
+"'No,' said I, 'but that you hadn't is plain; for if you had brought
+any other clothing besides that you had on with you, you would have
+put it on to come here.  That you have been robbed I deduce also from
+your costume.'
+
+"'But the number of the machine?' asked Watson.
+
+"'Is on the tag on the key hanging about his neck,' said I.
+
+"'One more question,' queried Burgess.  'How do you know I have been
+lying face downward on the beach ever since?'
+
+"'By the sand in your eyebrows,' I replied; and Watson ordered up the
+small bottle."
+
+"I fail to see what it was in our conversation, however," observed
+Hamlet, somewhat impatient over the delay caused by the narration of
+this tale, "that suggested this train of thought to you."
+
+"The sequel will show," returned Holmes.
+
+"Oh, Lord!" put in Raleigh.  "Can't we put off the sequel until a
+later issue?  Remember, Mr. Holmes, that we are constantly losing
+time."
+
+"The sequel is brief, and I can narrate it on our way to the office
+of the Navigation Company," observed the detective.  "When the bottle
+came I invited Mr. Burgess to join us, which he did, and as the hour
+was late when we came to separate, I offered him the use of my parlor
+overnight.  This he accepted, and we retired.
+
+"The next morning when I arose to dress, the mystery was cleared."
+
+"You had dreamed its solution?" asked Raleigh.
+
+"No," replied Holmes.  "Burgess had disappeared with all my clothing,
+my false-beard, my suit-case, and my watch.  The only thing he had
+left me was the bathing-suit and a few empty small bottles."
+
+"And why, may I ask," put in Hamlet, as they drew near to Charon's
+office--"why does that case remind you of business as it is conducted
+to-day?"
+
+"In this, that it is a good thing to stay out of unless you know it
+all," explained Holmes.  "I omitted in the case of Burgess to observe
+one thing about him.  Had I observed that his nose was rectilinear,
+incurved, and with a lifted base, and that his auricular temporal
+angle was between 96 and 97 degrees, I should have known at once that
+he was an impostor Vide Ottolenghui on 'Ears and Noses I Have Met,'
+pp. 631-640."
+
+"Do you mean to say that you can tell a criminal by his ears?"
+demanded Hamlet.
+
+"If he has any--yes; but I did not know that at the time of the
+Brighton mystery.  Therefore I should have stayed out of the case.
+But here we are.  Good-morning, Charon."
+
+By this time the trio had entered the private office of the president
+of the Styx Navigation Company, and in a few moments the vessel was
+chartered at a fabulous price.
+
+On the return to the wharf, Sir Walter somewhat nervously asked
+Holmes if he thought the plan they had settled upon would work.
+
+"Charon is a very shrewd old fellow," said he.  "He may outwit us
+yet."
+
+"The chances are just two and one-eighth degrees in your favor,"
+observed Holmes, quietly, with a glance at Raleigh's ears.  "The
+temporal angle of your ears is 93.125 degrees, whereas Charon's stand
+out at 91, by my otometer.  To that extent your criminal instincts
+are superior to his.  If criminology is an exact science, reasoning
+by your respective ears, you ought to beat him out by a perceptible
+though possibly narrow margin."
+
+With which assurance Raleigh went ahead with his preparations, and
+within twelve hours the Gehenna was under way, carrying a full
+complement of crew and officers, with every state-room on board
+occupied by some spirit of the more illustrious kind.
+
+Even Shylock was on board, though no one knew it, for in the dead of
+night he had stolen quietly up the gang-plank and had hidden himself
+in an empty water-cask in the forecastle.
+
+"'Tisn't Venice," he said, as he sat down and breathed heavily
+through the bung of the barrel, "but it's musty and damp enough, and,
+considering the cost, I can't complain.  You can't get something for
+nothing, even in Hades."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII:  ON BOARD THE "GEHENNA"
+
+
+
+When the Gehenna had passed down the Styx and out through the
+beautiful Cimmerian Harbor into the broad waters of the ocean, and
+everything was comparatively safe for a while at least, Sherlock
+Holmes came down from the bridge, where he had taken his place as the
+commander of the expedition at the moment of departure.  His brow was
+furrowed with anxiety, and through his massive forehead his brain
+could be seen to be throbbing violently, and the corrugations of his
+gray matter were not pleasant to witness as he tried vainly to
+squeeze an idea out of them.
+
+"What is the matter?" asked Demosthenes, anxiously.  "We are not in
+any danger, are we?"
+
+"No," replied Holmes.  "But I am somewhat puzzled at the bubbles on
+the surface of the ocean, and the ripples which we passed over an
+hour or two ago, barely perceptible through the most powerful
+microscope, indicate to my mind that for some reason at present
+unknown to me the House-boat has changed her course.  Take that
+bubble floating by.  It is the last expiring bit of aerial agitation
+of the House-boat's wake.  Observe whence it comes.  Not from the
+Azores quarter, but as if instead of steering a straight course
+thither the House-boat had taken a sharp turn to the north-east, and
+was making for Havre; or, in other words, Paris instead of London
+seems to have become their destination."
+
+Demosthenes looked at Holmes with blank amazement, and, to keep from
+stammering out the exclamation of wonder that rose to his lips, he
+opened his bonbonniere and swallowed a pebble.
+
+"You don't happen to have a cocaine tablet in your box, do you?"
+queried Holmes.
+
+"No," returned the Greek.  "Cocaine makes me flighty and nervous, but
+these pebbles sort of ballast me and hold me down.  How on earth do
+you know that that bubble comes from the wake of the House-boat?"
+
+"By my chemical knowledge, merely," replied Holmes.  "A merely
+worldly vessel leaves a phosphorescent bubble in its wake.  That one
+we have just discovered is not so, but sulphurescent, if I may coin a
+word which it seems to me the English language is very much in need
+of.  It proves, then, that the bubble is a portion of the wake of a
+Stygian craft, and the only Stygian craft that has cleared the
+Cimmerian Harbor for years is the House-boat--Q. E. D."
+
+"We can go back until we find the ripple again, and follow that, I
+presume," sneered Le Coq, who did not take much stock in the theories
+of his great rival, largely because he was a detective by intuition
+rather than by study of the science.
+
+"You can if you want to, but it is better not to," rejoined Holmes,
+simply, as though not observing the sneer, "because the ripple
+represents the outer lines of the angle of disturbance in the water;
+and as any one of the sides to an angle is greater than the
+perpendicular from the hypothenuse to the apex, you'd merely be going
+the long way.  This is especially important when you consider the
+formation of the bow of the House-boat, which is rounded like the
+stern of most vessels, and comes near to making a pair of ripples at
+an angle of ninety degrees."
+
+"Then," observed Sir Walter, with a sigh of disappointment, "we must
+change our course and sail for Paris?"
+
+"I am afraid so," said Holmes; "but of course it's by no means
+certain as yet.  I think if Columbus would go up into the mizzentop
+and look about him, he might discover something either in
+confirmation or refutation of the theory."
+
+"He couldn't discover anything," put in Pinzon.  "He never did."
+
+"Well, I like that!" retorted Columbus.  "I'd like to know who
+discovered America."
+
+"So should I," observed Leif Ericson, with a wink at Vespucci.
+
+"Tut!" retorted Columbus.  "I did it, and the world knows it, whether
+you claim it or not."
+
+"Yes, just as Noah discovered Ararat," replied Pinzon.  "You sat upon
+the deck until we ran plumb into an island, after floating about for
+three months, and then you couldn't tell it from a continent, even
+when you had it right before your eyes.  Noah might just as well have
+told his family that he discovered a roof garden as for you to go
+back to Spain telling 'em all that San Salvador was the United
+States."
+
+"Well, I don't care," said Columbus, with a short laugh.  "I'm the
+one they celebrate, so what's the odds?  I'd rather stay down here in
+the smoking-room enjoying a small game, anyhow, than climb up that
+mast and strain my eyes for ten or a dozen hours looking for evidence
+to prove or disprove the correctness of another man's theory.  I
+wouldn't know evidence when I saw it, anyhow.  Send Judge
+Blackstone."
+
+"I draw the line at the mizzentop," observed Blackstone.  "The
+dignity of the bench must and shall be preserved, and I'll never
+consent to climb up that rigging, getting pitch and paint on my
+ermine, no matter who asks me to go."
+
+"Whomsoever I tell to go, shall go," put in Holmes, firmly.  "I am
+commander of this ship.  It will pay you to remember that, Judge
+Blackstone."
+
+"And I am the Court of Appeals," retorted Blackstone, hotly.  "Bear
+that in mind, captain, when you try to send me up.  I'll issue a writ
+of habeas corpus on my own body, and commit you for contempt."
+
+"There's no use of sending the Judge, anyhow," said Raleigh, fearing
+by the glitter that came into the eye of the commander that trouble
+might ensue unless pacificatory measures were resorted to.  "He's
+accustomed to weighing everything carefully, and cannot be rushed
+into a decision.  If he saw any evidence, he'd have to sit on it a
+week before reaching a conclusion.  What we need here more than
+anything else is an expert seaman, a lookout, and I nominate Shem.
+He has sailed under his father, and I have it on good authority that
+he is a nautical expert."
+
+Holmes hesitated for an instant.  He was considering the necessity of
+disciplining the recalcitrant Blackstone, but he finally yielded.
+
+"Very well," he said.  "Shem be it.  Bo'sun, pipe Shem on deck, and
+tell him that general order number one requires him to report at the
+mizzentop right away, and that immediately he sees anything he shall
+come below and make it known to me.  As for the rest of us, having a
+very considerable appetite, I do now decree that it is dinner-time.
+Shall we go below?"
+
+"I don't think I care for any, thank you," said Raleigh.  "Fact is--
+ah--I dined last week, and am not hungry."
+
+Noah laughed.  "Oh, come below and watch us eat, then," he said.
+"It'll do you good."
+
+But there was no reply.  Raleigh had plunged head first into his
+state-room, which fortunately happened to be on the upper deck.  The
+rest of the spirits repaired below to the saloon, where they were
+soon engaged in an animated discussion of such viands as the larder
+provided.
+
+"This," said Dr. Johnson, from the head of the table, "is what I call
+comfort.  I don't know that I am so anxious to recover the House-
+boat, after all."
+
+"Nor I," said Socrates, "with a ship like this to go off cruising on,
+and with such a larder.  Look at the thickness of that puree, Doctor-
+-"
+
+"Excuse me," said Boswell, faintly, "but I--I've left my note--bub--
+book upstairs, Doctor, and I'd like to go up and get it."
+
+"Certainly," said Dr. Johnson.  "I judge from your color, which is
+highly suggestive of a modern magazine poster, that it might be well
+too if you stayed on deck for a little while and made a few entries
+in your commonplace book."
+
+"Thank you," said Boswell, gratefully.  "Shall you say anything
+clever during dinner, sir?  If so, I might be putting it down while
+I'm up--"
+
+"Get out!" roared the Doctor.  "Get up as high as you can--get up
+with Shem on the mizzentop--"
+
+"Very good, sir," replied Boswell, and he was off.
+
+"You ought to be more lenient with him, Doctor," said Bonaparte; "he
+means well."
+
+"I know it," observed Johnson; "but he's so very previous.  Last
+winter, at Chaucer's dinner to Burns, I made a speech, which Boswell
+printed a week before it was delivered, with the words 'laughter' and
+'uproarious applause' interspersed through it.  It placed me in a
+false position."
+
+"How did he know what you were going to say?" queried Demosthenes.
+
+"Don't know," replied Johnson.  "Kind of mind-reader, I fancy," he
+added, blushing a trifle.  "But, Captain Holmes, what do you deduce
+from your observation of the wake of the House-boat?  If she's going
+to Paris, why the change?"
+
+"I have two theories," replied the detective.
+
+"Which is always safe," said Le Coq.
+
+"Always; it doubles your chances of success," acquiesced Holmes.
+"Anyhow, it gives you a choice, which makes it more interesting.  The
+change of her course from Londonward to Parisward proves to me either
+that Kidd is not satisfied with the extent of the revenge he has
+already taken, and wishes to ruin you gentlemen financially by
+turning your wives, daughters, and sisters loose on the Parisian
+shops, or that the pirates have themselves been overthrown by the
+ladies, who have decided to prolong their cruise and get some fun out
+of their misfortune."
+
+"And where else than to Paris would any one in search of pleasure
+go?" asked Bonaparte.
+
+"I had more fun a few miles outside of Brussels," said Wellington,
+with a sly wink at Washington.
+
+"Oh, let up on that!" retorted Bonaparte.  "It wasn't you beat me at
+Waterloo.  You couldn't have beaten me at a plain ordinary game of
+old-maid with a stacked pack of cards, much less in the game of war,
+if you hadn't had the elements with you."
+
+"Tut!" snapped Wellington.  "It was clear science laid you out,
+Boney."
+
+"Taisey-voo!" shouted the irate Corsican.  "Clear science be hanged!
+Wet science was what did it.  If it hadn't been for the rain, my
+little Duke, I should have been in London within a week, my
+grenadiers would have been camping in your Rue Peekadeely, and the
+Old Guard all over everywhere else."
+
+"You must have had a gay army, then,"  laughed Caesar.  "What are
+French soldiers made of, that they can't stand the wet--unshrunk
+linen or flannel?"
+
+"Bah!" observed Napoleon, shrugging his shoulders and walking a few
+paces away.  "You do not understand the French.  The Frenchman is not
+a pell-mell soldier like you Romans; he is the poet of arms; he does
+not go in for glory at the expense of his dignity; style, form, is
+dearer to him than honor, and he has no use for fighting in the wet
+and coming out of the fight conspicuous as a victor with the curl out
+of his feathers and his epaulets rusted with the damp.  There is no
+glory in water.  But if we had had umbrellas and mackintoshes, as
+every Englishman who comes to the Continent always has, and a bath-
+tub for everybody, then would your Waterloo have been different
+again, and the great democracy of Europe with a Bonaparte for emperor
+would have been founded for what the Americans call the keeps; and as
+for your little Great Britain, ha! she would have become the
+Blackwell's Island of the Greater France."
+
+"You're almost as funny as Punch isn't," drawled Wellington, with an
+angry gesture at Bonaparte.  "You weren't within telephoning distance
+of victory all day.  We simply played with you, my boy.  It was a
+regular game of golf for us.  We let you keep up pretty close and win
+a few holes, but on the home drive we had you beaten in one stroke.
+Go to, my dear Bonaparte, and stop talking about the flood."
+
+"It's a lucky thing for us that Noah wasn't a Frenchman, eh?" said
+Frederick the Great.  "How that rain would have fazed him if he had
+been!  The human race would have been wiped out."
+
+"Oh, pshaw!" ejaculated Noah, deprecating the unseemliness of the
+quarrel, and putting his arm affectionately about Bonaparte's
+shoulder.  "When you come down to that, I was French--as French as
+one could be in those days--and these Gallic subjects of my friend
+here were, every one of 'em, my lineal descendants, and their hatred
+of rain was inherited directly from me, their ancestor."
+
+"Are not we English as much your descendants?" queried Wellington,
+arching his eyebrows.
+
+"You are," said Noah, "but you take after Mrs. Noah more than after
+me.  Water never fazes a woman, and your delight in tubs is an
+essentially feminine trait.  The first thing Mrs. Noah carried aboard
+was a laundry outfit, and then she went back for rugs and coats and
+all sorts of hand-baggage.  Gad, it makes me laugh to this day when I
+think of it!  She looked for all the world like an Englishman
+travelling on the Continent as she walked up the gang-plank behind
+the elephants, each elephant with a Gladstone bag in his trunk and a
+hat-box tied to his tail."  Here the venerable old weather-prophet
+winked at Munchausen, and the little quarrel which had been imminent
+passed off in a general laugh.
+
+"Where's Boswell?  He ought to get that anecdote," said Johnson.
+
+"I've locked him up in the library," said Holmes.  "He's in charge of
+the log, and as I have a pretty good general idea as to what is about
+to happen, I have mapped out a skeleton of the plot and set him to
+work writing it up."  Here the detective gave a sudden start, placed
+his hand to his ear, listened intently for an instant, and, taking
+out his watch and glancing at it, added, quietly, "In three minutes
+Shem will be in here to announce a discovery, and one of great
+importance, I judge, from the squeak."
+
+The assemblage gazed earnestly at Holmes for a moment.
+
+"The squeak?" queried Raleigh.
+
+"Precisely," said Holmes.  "The squeak is what I said, and as I
+always say what I mean, it follows logically that I meant what I
+said."
+
+"I heard no squeak," observed Dr. Johnson; "and, furthermore, I fail
+to see how a squeak, if I had heard it, would have portended a
+discovery of importance."
+
+"It would not--to you," said Holmes; "but with me it is different.
+My hearing is unusually acute.  I can hear the dropping of a pin
+through a stone wall ten feet thick; any sound within a mile of my
+eardrum vibrates thereon with an intensity which would surprise you,
+and it is by the use of cocaine that I have acquired this wonderfully
+acute sense.  A property which dulls the senses of most people
+renders mine doubly apprehensive; therefore, gentlemen, while to you
+there was no auricular disturbance, to me there was.  I heard Shem
+sliding down the mast a minute since.  The fact that he slid down the
+mast instead of climbing down the rigging showed that he was in great
+haste, therefore he must have something to communicate of great
+importance."
+
+"Why isn't he here already, then?  It wouldn't take him two minutes
+to get from the deck here," asked the ever-auspicious Le Coq.
+
+"It is simple," returned Holmes, calmly.  "If you will go yourself
+and slide down that mast you will see.  Shem has stopped for a little
+witch-hazel to soothe his burns.  It is no cool matter sliding down a
+mast two hundred feet in height."
+
+As Sherlock Holmes spoke the door burst open and Shem rushed in.
+
+"A signal of distress, captain!" he cried.
+
+"From what quarter--to larboard?" asked Holmes.
+
+"No," returned Shem, breathless.
+
+"Then it must be dead ahead," said Holmes.
+
+"Why not to starboard?" asked Le Coq, dryly.
+
+"Because," answered Holmes, confidently, "it never happens so.  If
+you had ever read a truly exciting sea-tale, my dear Le Coq, you
+would have known that interesting things, and particularly signals of
+distress, are never seen except to larboard or dead ahead."
+
+A murmur of applause greeted this retort, and Le Coq subsided.
+
+"The nature of the signal?" demanded Holmes.
+
+"A black flag, skull and cross-bones down, at half-mast!" cried Shem,
+"and on a rock-bound coast!"
+
+"They're marooned, by heavens!" shouted Holmes, springing to his feet
+and rushing to the deck, where he was joined immediately by Sir
+Walter, Dr. Johnson, Bonaparte, and the others.
+
+"Isn't he a daisy?" whispered Demosthenes to Diogenes as they climbed
+the stairs.
+
+"He is more than that; he's a blooming orchid," said Diogenes, with
+intense enthusiasm.  "I think I'll get my X-ray lantern and see if
+he's honest."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX:  CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE
+
+
+
+"Excuse me, your Majesty," remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra
+accorded permission to Captain Kidd to speak, "I have not been
+introduced to this gentleman nor has he been presented to me, and I
+really cannot consent to any proceeding so irregular as this.  I do
+not speak to gentlemen I have not met, nor do I permit them to
+address me."
+
+"Hear, hear!" cried Xanthippe.  "I quite agree with the principle of
+my young friend from Troy.  It may be that when we claimed for
+ourselves all the rights of men that the right to speak and be spoken
+to by other men without an introduction will included in the list,
+but I for one have no desire to avail myself of the privilege,
+especially when it's a horrid-looking man like this."
+
+Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so terribly that several of the
+ladies fainted.
+
+"I will withdraw," he said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be said
+that his suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt wish, for now that
+he found himself thus conspicuously brought before so many women,
+with falsehood on his lips, his courage began to ooze.
+
+"Not yet, please," answered the chairlady.  "I imagine we can get
+about this difficulty without much trouble."
+
+"I think it a perfectly proper objection too," observed Delilah,
+rising.  "If we ever needed etiquette we need it now.  But I have a
+plan which will obviate any further difficulty.  If there is no one
+among us who is sufficiently well acquainted with the gentleman to
+present him formally to us, I will for the time being take upon
+myself the office of ship's barber and cut his hair.  I understand
+that it is quite the proper thing for barbers to talk, while cutting
+their hair, to persons to whom they have not been introduced.  And,
+besides, he really needs a hair-cut badly.  Thus I shall establish an
+acquaintance with the captain, after which I can with propriety
+introduce him to the rest of you."
+
+"Perhaps the gentleman himself might object to that," put in Queen
+Elizabeth.  "If I remember rightly, your last customer was very much
+dissatisfied with the trim you gave him."
+
+"It will be unnecessary to do what Delilah proposes," said Mrs. Noah,
+with a kindly smile, as she rose up from the corner in which she had
+been sitting, an interested listener.  "I can introduce the gentleman
+to you all with perfect propriety.  He's a member of my family.  His
+grandfather was the great-grandson a thousand and eight times removed
+of my son Shem's great-grandnephew on his father's side.  His
+relationship to me is therefore obvious, though from what I know of
+his reputation I think he takes more after my husband's ancestors
+than my own.  Willie, dear, these ladies are friends of mine.
+Ladies, this young man is one of my most famous descendants.  He has
+been a man of many adventures, and he has been hanged once, which,
+far from making him undesirable as an acquaintance, has served merely
+to render him harmless, and therefore a safe person to know.  Now, my
+son, go ahead and speak your piece."
+
+The good old spirit sat down, and the scruples of the objectors
+having thus been satisfied, Captain Kidd began.
+
+"Now that I know you all," he remarked, as pleasantly as he could
+under the circumstances, "I feel that I can speak more freely, and
+certainly with a great deal less embarrassment than if I were
+addressing a gathering of entire strangers.  I am not much of a hand
+at speaking, and have always felt somewhat nonplussed at finding
+myself in a position of this nature.  In my whole career I never
+experienced but one irresistible impulse to make a public address of
+any length, and that was upon that unhappy occasion to which the
+greatest and grandest of my great-grandmothers has alluded, and that
+only as the chain by which I was suspended in mid-air tightened about
+my vocal chords.  At that moment I could have talked impromptu for a
+year, so fast and numerously did thoughts of the uttermost import
+surge upward into my brain; but circumstances over which I had no
+control prevented the utterance of those thoughts, and that speech is
+therefore lost to the world."
+
+"He has the gift of continuity," observed Madame Recamier.
+
+"Ought to be in the United States Senate," smiled Elizabeth.
+
+"I wish I could make up my mind as to whether he is outrageously
+handsome or desperately ugly," remarked Helen of Troy.  "He
+fascinates me, but whether it is the fascination of liking or of
+horror I can't tell, and it's quite important."
+
+"Ladies," resumed the captain, his uneasiness increasing as he came
+to the point, "I am but the agent of your respective husbands,
+fiances, and other masculine guardians.  The gentlemen who were
+previously the tenants of this club-house have delegated to me the
+important, and I may add highly agreeable, task of showing you the
+world.  They have noted of late years the growth of that feeling of
+unrest which is becoming every day more and more conspicuous in
+feminine circles in all parts of the universe--on the earth, where
+women are clamoring to vote, and to be allowed to go out late at
+night without an escort, in Hades, where, as you are no doubt aware,
+the management of the government has fallen almost wholly into the
+hands of the Furies; and even in the halls of Jupiter himself, where,
+I am credibly informed, Juno has been taking private lessons in the
+art of hurling thunderbolts--information which the extraordinary
+quality of recent electrical storms on the earth would seem to
+confirm.  Thunderbolts of late years have been cast hither and yon in
+a most erratic fashion, striking where they were least expected, as
+those of you who keep in touch with the outer world must be fully
+aware.  Now, actuated by their usual broad and liberal motives, the
+men of Hades wish to meet the views of you ladies to just that extent
+that your views are based upon a wise selection, in turn based upon
+experience, and they have come to me and in so many words have said,
+'Mr. Kidd, we wish the women of Hades to see the world.  We want them
+to be satisfied.  We do not like this constantly increasing spirit of
+unrest.  We, who have seen all the life that we care to see, do not
+ourselves feel equal to the task of showing them about.  We will pay
+you liberally if you will take our House-boat, which they have always
+been anxious to enter, and personally conduct our beloved ones to
+Paris, London, and elsewhere.  Let them see as much of life as they
+can stand.  Accord them every privilege.  Spare no expense; only
+bring them back again to us safe and sound.'  These were their words,
+ladies.  I asked them why they didn't come along themselves, saying
+that even if they were tired of it all, they should make some
+personal sacrifice to your comfort; and they answered, reasonably and
+well, that they would be only too glad to do so, but that they feared
+they might unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence upon
+you.  'We want them to feel absolutely free, Captain Kidd,' said
+they, 'and if we are along they may not feel so.'  The answer was
+convincing, ladies, and I accepted the commission."
+
+"But we knew nothing of all this," interposed Elizabeth.  "The
+subject was not broached to us by our husbands, brothers, fiances, or
+fathers.  My brother, Sir Walter Raleigh--"
+
+Cleopatra chuckled.  "Brother!  Brother's good," she said.
+
+"Well, that's what he is," retorted Elizabeth, quickly.  "I promised
+to be a sister to him, and I'm going to keep my word.  That's the
+kind of a queen I am.  I was about to remark," Elizabeth added,
+turning to the captain, "that my brother, Sir Walter Raleigh, never
+even hinted at any such plan, and usually he asked my advice in
+matters of so great importance."
+
+"That is easily accounted for, madame," retorted Kidd.  "Sir Walter
+intended this as a little surprise for you, that is all.  The
+arrangements were all placed in his hands, and it was he who bound us
+all to secrecy.  None of the ladies were to be informed of it."
+
+"It does not sound altogether plausible," interposed Portia.  "If you
+ladies do not object, I should like to cross-examine this--ah--
+gentleman."
+
+Kidd paled visibly.  He was not prepared for any such trial; however,
+he put as good a face on the matter as he could, and announced his
+willingness to answer any questions that he might be asked.
+
+"Shall we put him under oath?" asked Cleopatra.
+
+"As you please, ladies," said the pirate.  "A pirate's word is as
+good as his bond; but I'll take an oath if you choose--a half-dozen
+of 'em, if need be."
+
+"I fancy we can get along without that," said Portia.  "Now, Captain
+Kidd, who first proposed this plan?"
+
+"Socrates," said Kidd, unblushingly with a sly glance at Xanthippe.
+
+"What?" cried Xanthippe.  "My husband propose anything that would
+contribute to my pleasure or intellectual advancement?  Bah!  Your
+story is transparently false at the outset."
+
+"Nevertheless," said Kidd, "the scheme was proposed by Socrates.  He
+said a trip of that kind for Xanthippe would be very restful and
+health-giving."
+
+"For me?" cried Xanthippe, sceptically.
+
+"No, madame, for him," retorted Kidd.
+
+"Ah--ho-ho!  That's the way of it, eh?" said Xanthippe, flushing to
+the roots of her hair.  "Very likely.  You--ah--you will excuse my
+doubting your word, Captain Kidd, a moment since.  I withdraw my
+remark, and in order to make fullest reparation, I beg to assure
+these ladies that I am now perfectly convinced that you are telling
+the truth.  That last observation is just like my husband, and when I
+get back home again, if I ever do, well--ha, ha!--we'll have a merry
+time, that's all."
+
+"And what was--ah--Bassanio's connection with this affair?" added
+Portia, hesitatingly.
+
+"He was not informed of it," said Kidd, archly.  "I am not acquainted
+with Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard Sir Walter enjoining upon the
+others the absolute necessity of keeping the whole affair from
+Bassanio, because he was afraid he would not consent to it.
+'Bassanio has a most beautiful wife, gentlemen,' said Sir Walter,
+'and he wouldn't think of parting with her under any circumstances;
+therefore let us keep our intentions a secret from him.'  I did not
+hear whom the gentleman married, madame; but the others, Prince
+Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham, and Louis the Fourteenth, all agreed
+that Mrs. Bassanio was too beautiful a person to be separated from,
+and that it was better, therefore, to keep Bassanio in the dark as to
+their little enterprise until it was too late for him to interfere."
+
+A pink glow of pleasure suffused the lovely countenance of the cross-
+examiner, and it did not require a very sharp eye to see that the
+wily Kidd had completely won her over to his side.  On the other
+hand, Elizabeth's brow became as corrugated as her ruff, and the
+spirit of the pirate shivered to the core as he turned and gazed upon
+that glowering face.
+
+"Sir Walter agreed to that, did he?" snapped Elizabeth.  "And yet he
+was willing to part with--ah--his sister."
+
+"Well, your Majesty," began Kidd, hesitatingly, "you see it was this
+way:  Sir Walter--er--did say that, but--ah--he--ah--but he added
+that he of course merely judged--er--this man Bassanio's feelings by
+his own in parting from his sister--"
+
+"Did he say sister?" cried Elizabeth.
+
+"Well--no--not in those words," shuffled Kidd, perceiving quickly
+wherein his error lay, "but--ah--I jumped at the conclusion, seeing
+his intense enthusiasm for the lady's beauty and--er--intellectual
+qualities, that he referred to you, and it is from yourself that I
+have gained my knowledge as to the fraternal, not to say sororal,
+relationship that exists between you."
+
+"That man's a diplomat from Diplomaville!" muttered Sir Henry Morgan,
+who, with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was listening at the port without.
+
+"He is that," said Abeuchapeta, "but he can't last much longer.  He's
+perspiring like a pitcher of ice-water on a hot day, and a spirit of
+his size and volatile nature can't stand much of that without
+evaporating.  If you will observe him closely you will see that his
+left arm already has vanished into thin air."
+
+"By Jove!" whispered Conrad, "that's a fact!  If they don't let up on
+him he'll vanish.  He's getting excessively tenuous about the top of
+his head."
+
+All of which was only too true.  Subjected to a scrutiny which he had
+little expected, the deceitful ambassador of the thieving band was
+rapidly dissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely noted,
+was in imminent danger of complete sublimation, which, in the case of
+one possessed of so little elementary purity, meant nothing short of
+annihilation.  Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful tact had
+stemmed the tide of suspicion.  Elizabeth was satisfied with his
+explanation, and in the minds of at least three of the most
+influential ladies on board, Portia, Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he had
+become a creature worthy of credence, which meant that he had nothing
+more to fear.
+
+"I am prepared, your Majesty," said Elizabeth, addressing Cleopatra,
+"to accept from this time on the gentleman's word.  The little that
+he has already told us is hall-marked with truth.  I should like to
+ask, however, one more question, and that is how our gentleman
+friends expected to embark us upon this voyage without letting us
+into the secret?"
+
+"Oh, as for that," replied Kidd, with a deep-drawn sigh of relief,
+for he too had noticed the gradual evaporation of his arm and the
+incipient etherization of his cranium--"as for that, it was simple
+enough.  There was to have been a day set apart for ladies' day at
+the club, and when you were all on board we were quietly to weigh
+anchor and start.  The fact that you had anticipated the day, of your
+own volition, was telephoned by my scouts to me at my headquarters,
+and that news was by me transmitted by messenger to Sir Walter at
+Charon's Glen Island, where the long-talked-of fight between Samson
+and Goliath was taking place.  Raleigh immediately replied, 'Good!
+Start at once.  Paris first.  Unlimited credit.  Love to Elizabeth.'
+Wherefore, ladies," he added, rising from his chair and walking to
+the door--"wherefore you are here and in my care.  Make yourselves
+comfortable, and with the aid of the fashion papers which you have
+already received prepare yourselves for the joys that await you.
+With the aid of Madame Recamier and Baedeker's Paris, which you will
+find in the library, it will be your own fault if when you arrive
+there you resemble a great many less fortunate women who don't know
+what they want."
+
+With these words Kidd disappeared through the door, and fainted in
+the arms of Sir Henry Morgan.  The strain upon him had been too
+great.
+
+"A charming fellow," said Portia, as the pirate disappeared.
+
+"Most attractive," said Elizabeth.
+
+"Handsome, too, don't you think?" asked Helen of Troy.
+
+"And truthful beyond peradventure," observed Xanthippe, as she
+reflected upon the words the captain had attributed to Socrates.  "I
+didn't believe him at first, but when he told me what my sweet-
+tempered philosopher had said, I was convinced."
+
+"He's a sweet child," interposed Mrs. Noah, fondly.  "One of my
+favorite grandchildren."
+
+"Which makes it embarrassing for me to say," cried Cassandra,
+starting up angrily, "that he is a base caitiff!"
+
+Had a bomb been dropped in the middle of the room, it could not have
+created a greater sensation than the words of Cassandra.
+
+"What?" cried several voices at once.  "A caitiff?"
+
+"A caitiff with a capital K," retorted Cassandra.  "I know that,
+because while he was telling his story I was listening to it with one
+ear and looking forward into the middle of next week with the other--
+I mean the other eye--and I saw--"
+
+"Yes, you saw?" cried Cleopatra.
+
+"I saw that he was deceiving us.  Mark my words, ladies, he is a base
+caitiff," replied Cassandra--"a base caitiff."
+
+"What did you see?" cried Elizabeth, excitedly.
+
+"This," said Cassandra, and she began a narration of future events
+which I must defer to the next chapter.  Meanwhile his associates
+were endeavoring to restore the evaporated portions of the prostrated
+Kidd's spirit anatomy by the use of a steam-atomizer, but with
+indifferent success.  Kidd's training had not fitted him for an
+intellectual combat with superior women, and he suffered accordingly.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X:  A WARNING ACCEPTED
+
+
+
+"It is with no desire to interrupt my friend Cassandra
+unnecessarily," said Mrs. Noah, as the prophetess was about to
+narrate her story, "that I rise to beg her to remember that, as an
+ancestress of Captain Kidd, I hope she will spare a grandmother's
+feelings, if anything in the story she is about to tell is improper
+to be placed before the young.  I have been so shocked by the stories
+of perfidy and baseness generally that have been published of late
+years, that I would interpose a protest while there is yet time if
+there is a line in Cassandra's story which ought to be withheld from
+the public; a protest based upon my affection for posterity, and in
+the interests of morality everywhere."
+
+"You may rest easy upon that score, my dear Mrs. Noah," said the
+prophetess.  "What I have to say would commend itself, I am sure,
+even to the ears of a British matron; and while it is as complete a
+demonstration of man's perfidy as ever was, it is none the less as
+harmless a little tale as the Dottie Dimple books or any other more
+recent study of New England character."
+
+"Thank you for the load your words have lifted from my mind," said
+Mrs. Noah, settling back in her chair, a satisfied expression upon
+her gentle countenance.  "I hope you will understand why I spoke, and
+withal why modern literature generally has been so distressful to me.
+When you reflect that the world is satisfied that most of man's
+criminal instincts are the result of heredity, and that Mr. Noah and
+I are unable to shift the responsibility for posterity to other
+shoulders than our own, you will understand my position.  We were
+about the most domestic old couple that ever lived, and when we see
+the long and varied assortment of crimes that are cropping out
+everywhere in our descendants it is painful to us to realize what a
+pair of unconsciously wicked old fogies we must have been."
+
+"We all understand that," said Cleopatra, kindly; "and we are all
+prepared to acquit you of any responsibility for the advanced
+condition of wickedness to-day.  Man has progressed since your time,
+my dear grandma, and the modern improvements in the science of crime
+are no more attributable to you than the invention of the telephone
+or the oyster cocktail is attributable to your husband."
+
+"Thank you kindly," murmured the old lady, and she resumed her
+knitting upon a phantom tam-o'-shanter, which she was making as a
+Christmas surprise for her husband.
+
+"When Captain Kidd began his story," said Cassandra, "he made one
+very bad mistake, and yet one which was prompted by that courtesy
+which all men instinctively adopt when addressing women.  When he
+entered the room he removed his hat, and therein lay his fatal error,
+if he wished to convince me of the truth of his story, for with his
+hat removed I could see the workings of his mind.  While you ladies
+were watching his lips or his eyes, some of you taking in the
+gorgeous details of his dress, all of you hanging upon his every
+word, I kept my eye fixed firmly upon his imagination, and I saw,
+what you did not, THAT HE WAS DRAWING WHOLLY UPON THAT!"
+
+"How extraordinary!" cried Elizabeth.
+
+"Yes--and fortunate," said Cassandra.  "Had I not done so, a week
+hence we should, every one of us, have been lost in the surging
+wickedness of the city of Paris."
+
+"But, Cassandra," said Trilby, who was anxious to return once more to
+the beautiful city by the Seine, "he told us we were going to Paris."
+
+"Of course he did," said Madame Recamier, "and in so many words.
+Certainly he was not drawing upon his imagination there."
+
+"And one might be lost in a very much worse place," put in Marguerite
+de Valois, "if, indeed, it were possible to lose us in Paris at all.
+I fancy that I know enough about Paris to find my way about."
+
+"Humph!" ejaculated Cassandra.  "What a foolish little thing you are!
+You don't imagine that the Paris of to-day is the Paris of your time,
+or even the Paris of that sweet child Trilby's time, do you?  If you
+do you are very much mistaken.  I almost wish I had not warned you of
+your danger and had let you go, just to see those eyes of yours open
+with amazement at the change.  You'd find your Louvre a very
+different sort of a place from what it used to be, my dear lady.
+Those pleasing little windows through which your relations were wont
+in olden times to indulge in target practice at people who didn't go
+to their church are now kept closed; the galleries which used to
+swarm with people, many of whom ought to have been hanged, now swarm
+with pictures, many of which ought not to have been hung; the romance
+which clung about its walls is as much a part of the dead past as
+yourselves, and were you to materialize suddenly therein you would
+find yourselves jostled and hustled and trodden upon by the curious
+from other lands, with Argus eyes taking in five hundred pictures a
+minute, and traversing those halls at a rate of speed at which
+Mercury himself would stand aghast."
+
+"But my beloved Tuileries?" cried Marie Antoinette.
+
+"Has been swallowed up by a play-ground for the people, my dear,"
+said Cassandra, gently.  "Paris is no place for us, and it is the
+intention of these men, in whose hands we are, to take us there and
+then desert us.  Can you imagine anything worse than ourselves, the
+phantoms of a glorious romantic past, basely deserted in the streets
+of a wholly strange, superficial, material city of to-day?  What do
+you think, Elizabeth, would be your fate if, faint and famished, you
+begged for sustenance at an English door to-day, and when asked your
+name and profession were to reply, 'Elizabeth, Queen of England'?"
+
+"Insane asylum," said Elizabeth, shortly.
+
+"Precisely.  So in Paris with the rest of us," said Cassandra.
+
+"How do you know all this?" asked Trilby, still unconvinced.
+
+"I know it just as you knew how to become a prima donna," said
+Cassandra.  "I am, however, my own Svengali, which is rather
+preferable to the patent detachable hypnotizer you had.  I hypnotize
+myself, and direct my mind into the future.  I was a professional
+forecaster in the days of ancient Troy, and if my revelations had
+been heeded the Priam family would, I doubt not, still be doing
+business at the old stand, and Mr. AEneas would not have grown round-
+shouldered giving his poor father a picky-back ride on the opening
+night of the horse-show, so graphically depicted by Virgil."
+
+"I never heard about that," said Trilby.  "It sounds like a very
+funny story, though."
+
+"Well, it wasn't so humorous for some as it was for others," said
+Cassandra, with a sly glance at Helen.  "The fact is, until you
+mentioned it yourself, it never occurred to me that there was much
+fun in any portion of the Trojan incident, excepting perhaps the
+delirium tremens of old Laocoon, who got no more than he deserved for
+stealing my thunder.  I had warned Troy against the Greeks, and they
+all laughed at me, and said my eye to the future was strabismatic;
+that the Greeks couldn't get into Troy at all, even if they wanted
+to.  And then the Greeks made a great wooden horse as a gift for the
+Trojans, and when I turned my X-ray gaze upon it I saw that it
+contained about six brigades of infantry, three artillery regiments,
+and sharp-shooters by the score.  It was a sort of military Noah's
+Ark; but I knew that the prejudice against me was so strong that
+nobody would believe what I told them.  So I said nothing.  My
+prophecies never came true, they said, failing to observe that my
+warning as to what would be was in itself the cause of their non-
+fulfilment.  But desiring to save Troy, I sent for Laocoon and told
+him all about it, and he went out and announced it as his own private
+prophecy; and then, having tried to drown his conscience in strong
+waters, he fell a victim to the usual serpentine hallucination, and
+everybody said he wasn't sober, and therefore unworthy of belief.
+The horse was accepted, hauled into the city, and that night orders
+came from hindquarters to the regiments concealed inside to march.
+They marched, and next morning Troy had been removed from the map;
+ninety per cent of the Trojans died suddenly, and AEneas, grabbing up
+his family in one hand and his gods in the other, went yachting for
+several seasons, ultimately settling down in Italy.  All of this
+could have been avoided if the Trojans would have taken the hint from
+my prophecies.  They preferred, however, not to do it, with the
+result that to-day no one but Helen and myself knows even where Troy
+was, and we'll never tell."
+
+"It is all true," said Helen, proudly.  "I was the woman who was at
+the bottom of it all, and I can testify that Cassandra always told
+the truth, which is why she was always so unpopular.  When anything
+that was unpleasant happened, after it was all over she would turn
+and say, sweetly, 'I told you so.'  She was the original 'I told you
+so' nuisance, and of course she had the newspapyruses down on her,
+because she never left them any sensation to spring upon the public.
+If she had only told a fib once in a while, the public would have had
+more confidence in her."
+
+"Thank you for your endorsement," said Cassandra, with a nod at
+Helen.  "With such testimony I cannot see how you can refrain from
+taking my advice in this matter; and I tell you, ladies, that this
+man Kidd has made his story up out of whole cloth; the men of Hades
+had no more to do with our being here than we had; they were as much
+surprised as we are to find us gone.  Kidd himself was not aware of
+our presence, and his object in taking us to Paris is to leave us
+stranded there, disembodied spirits, vagrant souls with no familiar
+haunts to haunt, no place to rest, and nothing before us save
+perpetual exile in a world that would have no sympathy for us in our
+misfortune, and no belief in our continued existence."
+
+"But what, then, shall we do?" cried Ophelia, wringing her hands in
+despair.
+
+"It is a terrible problem," said Cleopatra, anxiously; "and yet it
+does seem as if our woman's instinct ought to show us some way out of
+our trouble."
+
+"The Committee on Treachery," said Delilah, "has already suggested a
+chafing-dish party, with Lucretia Borgia in charge of the lobster
+Newberg."
+
+"That is true," said Lucretia; "but I find, in going through my
+reticule, that my maid, for some reason unknown to me, has failed to
+renew my supply of poisons.  I shall discharge her on my return home,
+for she knows that I never go anywhere without them; but that does
+not help matters at this juncture.  The sad fact remains that I could
+prepare a thousand delicacies for these pirates without fatal
+results."
+
+"You mean immediately fatal, do you not?" suggested Xanthippe.  "I
+could myself prepare a cake which would in time reduce our captors to
+a state of absolute dependence, but of course the effect is not
+immediate."
+
+"We might give a musicale, and let Trilby sing 'Ben Bolt' to them,"
+suggested Marguerite de Valois, with a giggle.
+
+"Don't be flippant, please," said Portia.  "We haven't time to waste
+on flippant suggestions.  Perhaps a court-martial of these pirates,
+supplemented by a yard-arm, wouldn't be a bad thing.  I'll prosecute
+the case."
+
+"You forget that you are dealing with immortal spirits," observed
+Cleopatra.  "If these creatures were mortals, hanging them would be
+all right, and comparatively easy, considering that we outnumber them
+ten to one, and have many resources for getting them, more or less,
+in our power, but they are not.  They have gone through the refining
+process of dissolution once, and there's an end to that.  Our only
+resource is in the line of deception, and if we cannot deceive them,
+then we have ceased to be women."
+
+"That is truly said," observed Elizabeth.  "And inasmuch as we have
+already provided ourselves with a suitable committee for the
+preparation of our plans of a deceptive nature, I move, as the
+easiest possible solution of the difficulty for the rest of us, that
+the Committee on Treachery be requested to go at once into executive
+session, with orders not to come out of it until they have suggested
+a plausible plan of campaign against our abductors.  We must be rid
+of them.  Let the Committee on Treachery say how."
+
+"Second the motion," said Mrs. Noah.  "You are a very clear-headed
+young woman, Lizzie, and your grandmother is proud of you."
+
+The Committee on Treachery were about to protest, but the chair
+refused to entertain any debate upon the question, which was put and
+carried with a storm of approval.
+
+Five minutes later a note was handed through the port, addressed to
+Cleopatra, which read as follows:
+
+
+"Dear Madame,--Six bells has just struck, and the officers and crew
+are hungry.  Will you and your fair companions co-operate with us in
+our enterprise by having a hearty dinner ready within two hours?  A
+speck has appeared on the horizon which betokens a coming storm, else
+we would prepare our supper ourselves.  As it is, we feel that your
+safety depends on our remaining on deck.  If there is any beer on the
+ice, we prefer it to tea.  Two cases will suffice.
+
+"Yours respectfully,
+
+"HENRY MORGAN, Bart.; First Mate."
+
+
+"Hurrah!" cried Cleopatra, as she read this communication.  "I have
+an idea.  Tell the Committee on Treachery to appear before the full
+meeting at once."
+
+The committee was summoned, and Cleopatra announced her plan of
+operation, and it was unanimously adopted; but what it was we shall
+have to wait for another chapter to learn.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI:  MAROONED
+
+
+
+When Captain Holmes arrived upon deck he seized his glass, and,
+gazing intently through it for a moment, perceived that the faithful
+Shem had not deceived him.  Flying at half-mast from a rude, roughly
+hewn pole set upon a rocky height was the black flag, emblem of
+piracy, and, as Artemus Ward put it, "with the second joints
+reversed."  It was in very truth a signal of distress.
+
+"I make it a point never to be surprised," observed Holmes, as he
+peered through the glass, "but this beats me.  I didn't know there
+was an island of this nature in these latitudes.  Blackstone, go
+below and pipe Captain Cook on deck.  Perhaps he knows what island
+that is."
+
+"You'll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes," replied the Judge.  "I
+didn't ship on this voyage as a cabin-boy or a messenger-boy.
+Therefore I--"
+
+"Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons," interrupted Holmes, sternly.  "I
+expect to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone, whether you shipped as a Lord
+Chief-Justice or a state-room steward.  When I issue an order it must
+be obeyed.  Step lively there, Bonaparte.  Get his honor ironed and
+summon your marines.  We may have work to do before night.  Hamlet,
+pipe Captain Cook on deck."
+
+"Aye, aye, sir," replied Hamlet, with alacrity, as he made off.
+
+"That's the way to obey orders," said Holmes, with a scornful glance
+at Blackstone.
+
+"I was only jesting, Captain," said the latter, paling somewhat.
+
+"That's all right," said Holmes, taking up his glass again.  "So was
+I when I ordered you in irons, and in order that you may appreciate
+the full force of the joke I repeat it.  Bonaparte, do your duty."
+
+In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge shortly
+found himself manacled and alone in the forecastle.  Meanwhile
+Captain Cook, in response to the commander's order, repaired to the
+deck and scanned the distant coast.
+
+"I can't place it," he said.  "It can't be Monte Cristo, can it?"
+
+"No, it can't," said the Count, who stood hard by.  "My island was in
+the Mediterranean, and even if it dragged anchor it couldn't have got
+out through the Strait of Gibraltar."
+
+"Perhaps it's Robinson Crusoe's island," suggested Doctor Johnson.
+
+"Not it," observed De Foe.  "If it is, the rest of you will please
+keep off.  It's mine, and I may want to use it again.  I've been
+having a number of interviews with Crusoe latterly, and he's given me
+a lot of new points, which I intend incorporating in a sequel for the
+Cimmerian Magazine."
+
+"Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it, then?" roared Holmes,
+angrily.  "What is the matter with all you learned lubbers that I
+have brought along on this trip?  Do you suppose I've brought you to
+whistle up favorable winds?  Not by the beard of the Prophet!  I
+brought you to give me information, and now when I ask for the name
+of a simple little island like that in plain sight there's not one of
+you able so much as to guess at it reasonably.  The next man I ask
+for information goes into irons with Judge Blackstone if he doesn't
+answer me instantly with the information I want.  Munchausen, what
+island is that?"
+
+"Ahem! that?" replied Munchausen, trembling, as he reflected upon the
+Captain's threat.  "What?  Nobody knows what island that is?  Why,
+you surprise me -
+
+"See here, Baron," retorted Holmes, menacingly, "I ask you a plain
+question, and I want a plain answer, with no evasions to gain time.
+Now it's irons or an answer.  What island is that?"
+
+"It's an island that doesn't appear on any chart, Captain,"
+Munchausen responded instantly, pulling himself together for a mighty
+effort, "and it has never been given a name; but as you insist upon
+having one, we'll call it Holmes Island, in your honor.  It is not
+stationary.  It is a floating island of lava formation, and is a
+menace to every craft that goes to sea.  I spent a year of my life
+upon it once, and it is more barren than the desert of Sahara,
+because you cannot raise even sand upon it, and it is devoid of water
+of any sort, salt or fresh."
+
+"What did you live on during that year?" asked Holmes, eying him
+narrowly.
+
+"Canned food from wrecks," replied the Baron, feeling much easier now
+that he had got a fair start--"canned food from wrecks, commander.
+There is a magnetic property in the upper stratum of this piece of
+derelict real estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of canned
+substance that is lost overboard in all parts of the world.  A ship
+is wrecked, say, in the Pacific Ocean, and ultimately all the loose
+metal upon her will succumb to the irresistible attraction of this
+magnetic upper stratum, and will find its way to its shores.  So in
+any other part of the earth.  Everything metallic turns up here
+sooner or later; and when you consider that thousands of vessels go
+down every year, vessels which are provisioned with tinned foods
+only, you will begin to comprehend how many millions of pounds of
+preserved salmon, sardines, pate de foie gras, peaches, and so on,
+can be found strewn along its coast."
+
+"Munchausen," said Holmes, smiling, "by the blush upon your cheek,
+coupled with an occasional uneasy glance of the eye, I know that for
+once you are standing upon the, to you, unfamiliar ground of truth,
+and I admire you for it.  There is nothing to be ashamed of in
+telling the truth occasionally.  You are a man after my own heart.
+Come below and have a cocktail.  Captain Cook, take command of the
+Gehenna during my absence; head her straight for Holmes Island, and
+when you discover anything new let me know.  Bonaparte, in honor of
+Munchausen's remarkable genius, I proclaim general amnesty to our
+prisoners, and you may release Blackstone from his dilemma; and if
+you have any tin soldiers among your marines, see that they are
+lashed to the rigging.  I don't want this electric island of the
+Baron's to get a grip upon my military force at this juncture."
+
+With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the two
+worthies were soon deep in the mysteries of a phantom cocktail, while
+Doctor Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out over the ocean at the
+floating island.
+
+"De Foe," said Johnson "that ought to be a lesson to you.  This
+realism that you tie up to is all right when you are alone with your
+conscience; but when there are great things afoot, an imagination and
+a broad view as to the limitations of truth aren't at all bad.  You
+or I might now be drinking that cocktail with Holmes if we'd only
+risen to the opportunity the way Munchausen did."
+
+"That is true," said De Foe, sadly.  "But I didn't suppose he wanted
+that kind of information.  I could have spun a better yarn than that
+of Munchausen's with my eyes shut.  I supposed he wanted truth, and I
+gave it."
+
+"I'd like to know what has become of the House-boat," said Raleigh,
+anxiously gazing through the glass at the island.  "I can see old
+Henry Morgan sitting down there on the rocks with his elbows on his
+knees and his chin in his hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are
+standing back of him, yelling like mad, but there isn't a boat in
+sight."
+
+"Who is that man, off to the right, dancing a fandango?" asked
+Johnson.
+
+"It looks like Conrad, but I can't tell.  He appears to have gone
+crazy.  He's got that wild look on his face which betokens insanity.
+We'll have to be careful in our parleyings with these people," said
+Raleigh.
+
+"Anything new?" asked Holmes, returning to the deck, smacking his
+lips in enjoyment of the cocktail.
+
+"No--except that we are almost within hailing distance," said Cook.
+
+"Then give orders to cast anchor," observed Holmes.  "Bonaparte, take
+a crew of picked men ashore and bring those pirates aboard.  Take the
+three musketeers with you, and don't let Kidd or Morgan give you any
+back talk.  If they try any funny business, exorcise them."
+
+"Aye, aye, sir," replied Bonaparte, and in a moment a boat had been
+lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors were pulling for the shore.  As
+they came within ten feet of it the pirates made a mad dash down the
+rough, rocky hillside and clamored to be saved.
+
+"What's happened to you?" cried Bonaparte, ordering the sailors to
+back water lest the pirates should too hastily board the boat and
+swamp her.
+
+"We are marooned," replied Kidd, "and on an island of a volcanic
+nature.  There isn't a square inch of it that isn't heated up to 125
+degrees, and seventeen of us have already evaporated.  Conrad has
+lost his reason; Abeuchapeta has become so tenuous that a child can
+see through him.  As for myself, I am growing iridescent with
+anxiety, and unless I get off this infernal furnace I'll disappear
+like a soap-bubble.  For Heaven's sake, then, General, take us off,
+on your own terms.  We'll accept anything."
+
+As if in confirmation of Kidd's words, six of the pirate crew
+collapsed and disappeared into thin air, and a glance at Abeuchapeta
+was proof enough of his condition.  He had become as clear as
+crystal, and had it not been for his rugged outlines he would hardly
+have been visible even to his fellow-spirits.  As for Kidd, he had
+taken on the aspect of a rainbow, and it was patent that his fears
+for himself were all too well founded.
+
+Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning
+subsequently for the others, and repaired with them at once to the
+Gehenna, where they were ushered into the presence of Sherlock
+Holmes.  The first question he asked was as to the whereabouts of the
+House-boat.
+
+"That we do not know," replied Kidd, mournfully, gazing downward at
+the wreck of his former self.  "We came ashore, sir, early yesterday
+morning, in search of food.  It appears that when--acting in a wholly
+inexcusable fashion, and influenced, I confess it, by motives of
+revenge--I made off with your club-house, I neglected to ascertain if
+it were well stocked with provisions, a fatal error; for when we
+endeavored to get supper we discovered that the larder contained but
+half a bottle of farcie olives, two salted almonds, and a soda
+cracker--not a luxurious feast for sixty-nine pirates and a hundred
+and eighty-three women to sit down to."
+
+"That's all nonsense," said Demosthenes.  "The House Committee had
+provided enough supper for six hundred people, in anticipation of the
+appetite of the members on their return from the fight."
+
+"Of course they did," said Confucius; "and it was a good one, too--
+salads, salmon glace, lobsters--every blessed thing a man can't get
+at home we had; and what is more, they'd been delivered on board.  I
+saw to that before I went up the river."
+
+"Then," moaned Kidd, "it is as I suspected.  We were the victims of
+base treachery on the part of those women."
+
+"Treachery?  Well, I like that.  Call it reciprocity," said Hamlet,
+dryly.
+
+"We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing for supper
+save the items I have already referred to," said Kidd.  "I see it all
+now.  We had tried to make them comfortable, and I put myself to some
+considerable personal inconvenience to make them easy in their minds,
+but they were ungrateful."
+
+"Whatever induced you to take 'em along with you?" asked Socrates.
+
+"We didn't want them," said Kidd.
+
+"We didn't know they were on board until it was too late to turn
+back.  They'd broken in, and were having the club all to themselves
+in your absence."
+
+"It served you good and right," said Socrates, with a laugh.  "Next
+time you try to take things that don't belong to you, maybe you'll be
+a trifle more careful as to whose property you confiscate."
+
+"But the House-boat--you haven't told us how you lost her," put in
+Raleigh, impatiently.
+
+"Well, it was this way," said Kidd.  "When, in response to our polite
+request for supper, the ladies said there was nothing to eat on
+board, something had to be done, for we were all as hungry as bears,
+and we decided to go ashore at the first port and provision.
+Unfortunately the crew got restive, and when this floating frying-pan
+loomed into view, to keep them good-natured we decided to land and
+see if we could beg, borrow, or steal some supplies.  We had to.
+Observations taken with the sextant showed that there was no port
+within five hundred miles; the island looked as if it might be
+inhabited at least by goats, and ashore we went, every man of us,
+leaving the House-boat safely anchored in the harbor.  At first we
+didn't mind the heat, and we hunted and hunted and hunted; but after
+three or four hours I began to notice that three of my sailors were
+shrivelling up, and Conrad began to act as if he were daft.  Hawkins
+burst right before my eyes.  Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic around
+the eyes and began to fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence about
+myself; and as for Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to take
+a nap in the sun, and when he waked up, his whole right side had
+evaporated.  Then we saw what the trouble was.  We'd struck this lava
+island, and were gradually succumbing to its intense heat.  We rushed
+madly back to the harbor to embark; and our ship, gentlemen, and your
+House-boat, was slowly but surely disappearing over the horizon, and
+flying from the flag-staff at the fore were signals of farewell, with
+an unfeeling P.S. below to this effect:  'DON'T WAIT UP FOR US.  WE
+MAY NOT BE BACK UNTIL LATE.'"
+
+There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to himself,
+while Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan wept silently.
+
+"That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know of the
+whereabouts of the House-boat," continued Captain Kidd.  "I have no
+doubt that the ladies practised a deception, to our discomfiture, and
+I must say that I think it was exceedingly clever--granting that it
+was desirable to be rid of us, which I don't, for we meant well by
+them, and they would have enjoyed themselves."
+
+"But," cried Hamlet, "may they not now be in peril?  They cannot
+navigate that ship."
+
+"They got her out of the harbor all right," said Kidd.  "And I judged
+from the figure at the helm that Mrs. Noah had taken charge.  What
+kind of a seaman she is I don't know."
+
+"Almighty bad," ejaculated Shem, turning pale.  "It was she who ran
+us ashore on Ararat."
+
+"Well, wasn't that what you wanted?" queried Munchausen.
+
+"What we wanted!" cried Shem.  "Well, I guess not.  You don't want
+your yacht stranded on a mountain-top, do you?  She was a dead loss
+there, whereas if mother hadn't been in such a hurry to get ashore,
+we could have waited a month and landed on the seaboard."
+
+"You might have turned her into a summer hotel," suggested
+Munchausen.
+
+"Well, we must up anchor and away," said Holmes.  "Our pursuit has
+merely begun, apparently.  We must overtake this vessel, and the
+question to be answered is--where?"
+
+"That's easy," said Artemus Ward.  "From what Shem says, I think we'd
+better look for her in the Himalayas."
+
+"And, meanwhile, what shall be done with Kidd?" asked Holmes.
+
+"He ought to be expelled from the club," said Johnson.
+
+"We can't expel him, because he's not a member," replied Raleigh.
+
+"Then elect him," suggested Ward.
+
+"What on earth for?" growled Johnson.
+
+"So that we can expel him," said Ward.  And while Boswell's hero was
+trying to get the value of this notion through his head, the others
+repaired to the deck, and the Gehenna was soon under way once more.
+Meanwhile Captain Kidd and his fellows were put in irons and stowed
+away in the forecastle, alongside of the water-cask in which Shylock
+lay in hiding.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII:  THE ESCAPE AND THE END
+
+
+
+If there was anxiety on board of the Gehenna as to the condition and
+whereabouts of the House-boat, there was by no means less uneasiness
+upon that vessel itself.  Cleopatra's scheme for ridding herself and
+her abducted sisters of the pirates had worked to a charm, but,
+having worked thus, a new and hitherto undreamed-of problem, full of
+perplexities bearing upon their immediate safety, now confronted
+them.  The sole representative of a seafaring family on board was
+Mrs. Noah, and it did not require much time to see that her knowledge
+as to navigation was of an extremely primitive order, limited indeed
+to the science of floating.
+
+When the last pirate had disappeared behind the rocks of Holmes
+Island, and all was in readiness for action, the good old lady, who
+had hitherto been as calm and unruffled as a child, began to get red
+in the face and to bustle about in a manner which betrayed
+considerable perturbation of spirit.
+
+"Now, Mrs. Noah," said Cleopatra, as, peeping out from the billiard-
+room window, she saw Morgan disappearing in the distance, "the coast
+is clear, and I resign my position of chairman to you.  We place the
+vessel in your hands, and ourselves subject to your orders.  You are
+in command.  What do you wish us to do?"
+
+"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, putting down her knitting and
+starting for the deck.  "I'm not certain, but I think the first thing
+to do is to get her moving.  Do you know, I've never discovered
+whether this boat was a steamboat or a sailing-vessel?  Does anybody
+know?"
+
+"I think it has a naphtha tank and a propeller," said Elizabeth,
+"although I don't know.  It seems to me my brother Raleigh told me
+they'd had a naphtha engine put in last winter after the freshet,
+when the House-boat was carried ten miles down the river, and had to
+be towed back at enormous expense.  They put it in so that if she
+were carried away again she could get back of her own power."
+
+"That's unfortunate," said Mrs. Noah, "because I don't know anything
+about these new fangled notions.  If there's any one here who knows
+anything about naphtha engines, I wish they'd speak."
+
+"I'm of the opinion," said Portia, "that I can study out the theory
+of it in a short while."
+
+"Very well, then," said Mrs. Noah, "you can do it.  I'll appoint you
+engineer, and give you all your orders now, right away, in advance.
+Set her going and keep her going, and don't stop without a written
+order signed by me.  We might as well be very careful, and have
+everything done properly, and it might happen that in the excitement
+of our trip you would misunderstand my spoken orders and make a fatal
+error.  Therefore, pay no attention to unwritten orders.  That will
+do for you for the present.  Xanthippe, you may take Ophelia and
+Madame Recamier, and ten other ladies, and, every morning before
+breakfast, swab the larboard deck.  Cassandra, Tuesdays you will
+devote to polishing the brasses in the dining-room, and the balance
+of your time I wish you to expend in dusting the bric-a-brac.  Dido,
+you always were strong at building fires.  I'll make you chief
+stoker.  You will also assist Lucretia Borgia in the kitchen.
+Inasmuch as the latter's maid has neglected to supply her with the
+usual line of poisons, I think we can safely entrust to Lucretia's
+hands the responsibilities of the culinary department."
+
+"I'm perfectly willing to do anything I can," said Lucretia, "but I
+must confess that I don't approve of your methods of commanding a
+ship.  A ship's captain isn't a domestic martinet, as you are setting
+out to be.  We didn't appoint you housekeeper."
+
+"Now, my child," said Mrs. Noah, firmly, "I do not wish any words.
+If I hear any more impudence from you, I'll put you ashore without a
+reference; and the rest of you I would warn in all kindness that I
+will not tolerate insubordination.  You may, all of you, have one
+night of the week and alternate Sundays off, but your work must be
+done.  The regimen I am adopting is precisely that in vogue on the
+Ark, only I didn't have the help I have now, and things got into very
+bad shape.  We were out forty days, and, while the food was poor and
+the service execrable, we never lost a life."
+
+The boat gave a slight tremor.
+
+"Hurrah!" cried Elizabeth, clapping her hands with glee, "we are
+off!"
+
+"I will repair to the deck and get our bearings," said Mrs. Noah,
+putting her shawl over her shoulders.  "Meantime, Cleopatra, I
+appoint you first mate.  See that things are tidied up a bit here
+before I return.  Have the windows washed, and to-morrow I want all
+the rugs and carpets taken up and shaken."
+
+Portia meanwhile had discovered the naphtha engine, and, after
+experimenting several times with the various levers and stop-cocks,
+had finally managed to move one of them in such a way as to set the
+engine going, and the wheel began to revolve.
+
+"Are we going all right?" she cried, from below.
+
+"I am afraid not," said the gallant commander.  "The wheel is roiling
+up the water at a great rate, but we don't seem to be going ahead
+very fast--in fact, we're simply moving round and round as though we
+were on a pivot."
+
+"I'm afraid we're aground amidships," said Xanthippe, gazing over the
+side of the House-boat anxiously.  "She certainly acts that way--like
+a merry-go-round."
+
+"Well, there's something wrong," said Mrs. Noah; "and we've got to
+hurry and find out what it is, or those men will be back and we shall
+be as badly off as ever."
+
+"Maybe this has something to do with it," observed Mrs. Lot, pointing
+to the anchor rope.  "It looks to me as if those horrid men had tied
+us fast."
+
+"That's just what it is," snapped Mrs. Noah.  "They guessed our plan,
+and have fastened us to a pole or something, but I imagine we can
+untie it."
+
+Portia, who had come on deck, gave a short little laugh.
+
+"Why, of course we don't move," she said--"we are anchored!"
+
+"What's that?" queried Mrs. Noah.  "We never had an experience like
+that on the Ark."
+
+Portia explained the science of the anchor.
+
+"What nonsense!" ejaculated Mrs. Noah.  "How can we get away from
+it?"
+
+"We've got to pull it up," said Portia.  "Order all hands on deck and
+have it pulled up."
+
+"It can't be done, and, if it could, I wouldn't have it!" said Mrs.
+Noah, indignantly.  "The idea!  Lifting heavy pieces of iron, my dear
+Portia, is not a woman's work.  Send for Delilah, and let her cut the
+rope with her scissors."
+
+"It would take her a week to cut a hawser like that," said Elizabeth,
+who had been investigating.  "It would be more to the purpose, I
+think, to chop it in two with an axe."
+
+"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, satisfied.  "I don't care how it is
+done as long as it is done quickly.  It would never do for us to be
+recaptured now."
+
+The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried out, and the queen herself
+cut the hawser with six well-directed strokes of the axe.
+
+"You ARE an expert with it, aren't you?" smiled Cleopatra.
+
+"I am, indeed," replied Elizabeth, grimly.  "I had it suspended over
+my head for so long a time before I got to the throne that I couldn't
+help familiarizing myself with some of its possibilities."
+
+"Ah!" cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel began to move.  "I begin to feel
+easier.  It looks now as if we were really off."
+
+"It seems to me, though," said Cleopatra, gazing forward, "that we
+are going backward."
+
+"Oh, well, what if we are!" said Mrs. Noah.  "We did that on the Ark
+half the time.  It doesn't make any difference which way we are going
+as long as we go, does it?"
+
+"Why, of course it does!" cried Elizabeth.  "What can you be thinking
+of?  People who walk backward are in great danger of running into
+other people.  Why not the same with ships?  It seems to me, it's a
+very dangerous piece of business, sailing backward."
+
+"Oh, nonsense," snapped Mrs. Noah.  "You are as timid as a zebra.
+During the Flood, we sailed days and days and days, going backward.
+It didn't make a particle of difference how we went--it was as safe
+one way as another, and we got just as far away in the end.  Our main
+object now is to get away from the pirates, and that's what we are
+doing.  Don't get emotional, Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in
+charge.  If I think the boat ought to go sideways, sideways she shall
+go.  If you don't like it, it is still not too late to put you
+ashore."
+
+The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, and she was satisfied, and all
+went well with them, even if Portia had started the propeller
+revolving reverse fashion; so that the House-boat was, as Elizabeth
+had said, backing her way through the ocean.
+
+The day passed, and by slow degrees the island and the marooned
+pirates faded from view, and the night came on, and with it a dense
+fog.
+
+"We're going to have a nasty night, I am afraid," said Xanthippe,
+looking anxiously out of the port.
+
+"No doubt," said Mrs. Noah, pleasantly.  "I'm sorry for those who
+have to be out in it."
+
+"That's what I was thinking about," observed Xanthippe.  "It's going
+to be very hard on us keeping watch."
+
+"Watch for what?" demanded Mrs. Noah, looking over the tops of her
+glasses at Xanthippe.
+
+"Why, surely you are going to have lookouts stationed on deck?" said
+Elizabeth.
+
+"Not at all," said Mrs. Noah.  "Perfectly absurd.  We never did it on
+the Ark, and it isn't necessary now.  I want you all to go to bed at
+ten o'clock.  I don't think the night air is good for you.  Besides,
+it isn't proper for a woman to be out after dark, whether she's new
+or not."
+
+"But, my dear Mrs. Noah," expostulated Cleopatra, "what will become
+of the ship?"
+
+"I guess she'll float through the night whether we are on deck or
+not," said the commander.  "The Ark did, why not this?  Now, girls,
+these new-fangled yachting notions are all nonsense.  It's night, and
+there's a fog as thick as a stone-wall all about us.  If there were a
+hundred of you upon deck with ten eyes apiece, you couldn't see
+anything.  You might much better be in bed.  As your captain,
+chaperon, and grandmother, I command you to stay below."
+
+"But--who is to steer?" queried Xanthippe.
+
+"What's the use of steering until we can see where to steer to?"
+demanded Mrs. Noah.  "I certainly don't intend to bother with that
+tiller until some reason for doing it arises.  We haven't any place
+to steer to yet; we don't know where we are going.  Now, my dear
+children, be reasonable, and don't worry me.  I've had a very hard
+day of it, and I feel my responsibilities keenly.  Just let me
+manage, and we'll come out all right.  I've had more experience than
+any of you, and if--"
+
+A terrible crash interrupted the old lady's remarks.  The House-boat
+shivered and shook, careened way to one side, and as quickly righted
+and stood still.  A mad rush up the gangway followed, and in a moment
+a hundred and eighty-three pale-faced, trembling women stood upon the
+deck, gazing with horror at a great helpless hulk ten feet to the
+rear, fastened by broken ropes and odd pieces of rigging to the
+stern-posts of the House-boat, sinking slowly but surely into the
+sea.
+
+It was the Gehenna!
+
+The House-boat had run her down and her last hour had come, but,
+thanks to the stanchness of her build and wonderful beam, the
+floating club-house had withstood the shock of the impact and now
+rode the waters as gracefully as ever.
+
+Portia was the first to realize the extent of the catastrophe, and in
+a short while chairs and life-preservers and tables--everything that
+could float--had been tossed into the sea to the struggling immortals
+therein.  On board the Gehenna, those who had not cast themselves
+into the waters, under the cool direction of Holmes and Bonaparte,
+calmly lowered the boats, and in a short while were not only able to
+felicitate themselves upon their safety, but had likewise the good
+fortune to rescue their more impetuous brethren who had preferred to
+swim for it.  Ultimately, all were brought aboard the House-boat in
+safety, and the men in Hades were once more reunited to their wives,
+daughters, sisters, and fiancees, and Elizabeth had the satisfaction
+of once more saving the life of Raleigh by throwing him her ruff as
+she had done a year or so previously, when she and her brother had
+been upset in the swift current of the river Styx.
+
+Order and happiness being restored, Holmes took command of the House-
+boat and soon navigated her safely back into her old-time berth.  The
+Gehenna went to the bottom and was never seen again, and when the
+roll was called it was found that all who had set out upon her had
+returned in safety save Shylock, Kidd, Sir Henry Morgan, and
+Abeuchapeta; but even they were not lost, for, five weeks later,
+these four worthies were found early one morning drifting slowly up
+the river Styx, gazing anxiously out from the top of a water-cask and
+yelling lustily for help.
+
+And here endeth the chronicle of the pursuit of the good old House-
+boat.  Back to her moorings, the even tenor of her ways was once more
+resumed, but with one slight difference.
+
+The ladies became eligible for membership, and, availing themselves
+of the privilege, began to think less and less of the advantages of
+being men and to rejoice that, after all, they were women; and even
+Xanthippe and Socrates, after that night of peril, reconciled their
+differences, and no longer quarrel as to which is the more entitled
+to wear the toga of authority.  It has become for them a divided
+skirt.
+
+As for Kidd and his fellows, they have never recovered from the
+effects of their fearful, though short, exile upon Holmes Island, and
+are but shadows of their former shades; whereas Mr. Sherlock Holmes
+has so endeared himself to his new-found friends that he is quite as
+popular with them as he is with us, who have yet to cross the dark
+river and be subjected to the scrutiny of the Committee on Membership
+at the House-boat on the Styx.
+
+Even Hawkshaw has been able to detect his genius.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Pursuit of the House-Boat, by John Bangs
+
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