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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Vilbar Party, by Evelyn E. Smith
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Vilbar Party
+
+Author: Evelyn E. Smith
+
+Illustrator: KOSSIN
+
+Release Date: March 15, 2010 [EBook #31626]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VILBAR PARTY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+The Vilbar Party
+
+By EVELYN E. SMITH
+
+Illustrated by KOSSIN
+
+[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from Galaxy Science Fiction
+January 1955. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the
+U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
+
+
+[Sidenote: _"Nuts to you!" was what Narli knew Earthmen would tell
+him ... only it was frismil nuts!_]
+
+"The Perzils are giving a vilbar party tomorrow night," Professor Slood
+said cajolingly. "You _will_ come this time, won't you, Narli?"
+
+Narli Gzann rubbed his forehead fretfully. "You know how I feel about
+parties, Karn." He took a frismil nut out of the tray on his desk and
+nibbled it in annoyance.
+
+"But this is in your honor, Narli--a farewell party. You must go. It
+would be--it would be unthinkable if you didn't." Karn Slood's eyes were
+pleading. He could not possibly be held responsible for his friend's
+anti-social behavior and yet, Narli knew, he would somehow feel at
+fault.
+
+Narli sighed. He supposed he would have to conform to public sentiment
+in this particular instance, but he was damned if he would give in
+gracefully. "After all, what's so special about the occasion? I'm just
+leaving to take another teaching job, that's all." He took another nut.
+
+"That's _all_!" Slood's face swelled with emotion. "You can't really be
+that indifferent."
+
+"Another job, that's all it is to me," Narli persisted. "At an
+exceptionally high salary, of course, or I wouldn't dream of accepting a
+position so inconveniently located."
+
+Slood was baffled and hurt and outraged. "You have been honored by being
+the first of our people to be offered an exchange professorship on
+another planet," he said stiffly, "and you call it 'just another job.'
+Why, I would have given my right antenna to get it!"
+
+Narli realized that he had again overstepped the invisible boundary
+between candor and tactlessness. He poked at the nuts with a stylus.
+
+"Honored by being the first of our species to be offered a
+guinea-pigship," he murmured.
+
+He had not considered this aspect of the matter before, but now that it
+occurred to him, he was probably right.
+
+"Oh, I don't mind, really." He waved away the other's sudden
+commiseration. "You know I like being alone most of the time, so I won't
+find that uncomfortable. Students are students, whether they're
+Terrestrials or Saturnians. I suppose they'll laugh at me behind my
+back, but then even here, my students always did that."
+
+He gave a hollow laugh and unobtrusively put out one of his hands for a
+nut. "At least on Earth I'll know why they're laughing."
+
+There was pain on Slood's expressive face as he firmly removed the nut
+tray from his friend's reach. "I didn't think of it from that angle,
+Narli. Of course you're right. Human beings, from what I've read of
+them, are not noted for tolerance. It will be difficult, but I'm sure
+you'll be able to--" he choked on the kindly lie--"win them over."
+
+Narli repressed a bitter laugh. Anyone less likely than he to win over a
+hostile alien species through sheer personal charm could hardly be found
+on Saturn. Narli Gzann had been chosen as first exchange professor
+between Saturn and Earth because of his academic reputation, not his
+personality. But although the choosers had probably not had that aspect
+of the matter in mind, the choice, he thought, was a wise one.
+
+As an individual of solitary habits, he was not apt to be much lonelier
+on one planet than another.
+
+And he had accepted the post largely because he felt that, as an alien
+being, he would be left strictly alone. This would give him the chance
+to put in a lot of work on his definitive history of the Solar System, a
+monumental project from which he begrudged all the time he had to spend
+in fulfilling even the minimum obligations expected of a professor on
+sociable Saturn.
+
+The salary was a weighty factor, too--not only was it more than twice
+what he had been getting, but since there would be no necessity for
+spending more than enough for bare subsistence he would be able to save
+up a considerable amount and retire while still comparatively young. It
+was pleasant to imagine a scholarly life unafflicted by students.
+
+He could put up with a good deal for that goal.
+
+But how could he alleviate the distress he saw on Karn's face? He did
+not consciously want to hurt the only person who, for some strange
+reason, seemed to be fond of him, so he said the only thing he could
+think of to please: "All right, Karn, I'll go to the Perzils tomorrow
+night."
+
+It would be a deadly bore--parties always were--and he would eat too
+much, but, after all, the thought that it would be a long time before
+he'd ever see any of his own kind again would make the affair almost
+endurable. And just this once it would be all right for him to eat as
+much as he wanted. When he was on Earth out of reach of decent food, he
+would probably trim down considerably.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I just _know_ you're going to love Earth, Professor Gzann," the hostess
+on the interplanetary liner gushed.
+
+"I'm sure I shall," he lied politely. She smiled at him too much,
+over-doing her professional cordiality; underneath the effusiveness, he
+sensed the repulsion. Of course he couldn't blame her for trying not to
+show her distaste for the strange creature--the effort at concealment
+was, as a matter of fact, more than he had expected from a Terrestrial.
+But he wished she would leave him alone to meditate. He had planned to
+get a lot of meditation done on the journey.
+
+"You speak awfully good English," she told him.
+
+He looked at her. "I am said to have some scholarly aptitude. I
+understand that's why I was chosen as an exchange professor. It does
+seem reasonable, doesn't it?"
+
+She turned pink--a sign of embarrassment with these creatures, he had
+learned. "I didn't mean to--to question your ability, Professor. It's
+just that--well, you don't look like a professor."
+
+"Indeed?" he said frostily. "And what do I look like, then?"
+
+She turned even rosier. "Oh--I--I don't know exactly. It's just
+that--well...." And she fled.
+
+He couldn't resist flicking his antennae forward to catch her _sotto
+voce_ conversation with the co-pilot; it was so seldom you got the
+chance to learn what others were saying about you behind your back. "But
+I could hardly tell him he looks like a teddy bear, could I?"
+
+"He probably doesn't even know what a teddy bear is."
+
+"Perhaps I don't," Narli thought resentfully, "but I can guess."
+
+With low cunning, the Terrestrials seemed to have ferreted out the
+identity of all his favorite dishes and kept serving them to him
+incessantly. By the time the ship made planetfall on Earth, he had
+gained ten grisbuts.
+
+"Oh, well," he thought, "I suppose it's all just part of the regular
+diplomatic service. On Earth, I'll have to eat crude native foods, so
+I'll lose all the weight again."
+
+President Purrington of North America came himself to meet Narli at the
+airfield because Narli was the first interplanetary exchange professor
+in history.
+
+"Welcome to our planet, Professor Gzann," he said with warm diplomatic
+cordiality, wringing Narli's upper right hand after a moment of
+indecision. "We shall do everything in our power to make your stay here
+a happy and memorable one."
+
+"I wish you would begin by doing something about the climate," Narli
+thought. It was stupid of him not to have realized how hot it would be
+on Earth. He was really going to suffer in this torrid climate;
+especially in the tight Terrestrial costume he wore over his fur for the
+sake of conformity. Of course, justice compelled him to admit to
+himself, the clothes wouldn't have become so snug if he hadn't eaten
+quite so much on board ship.
+
+Purrington indicated the female beside him. "May I introduce my wife?"
+
+"Ohhh," the female gasped, "isn't he _cute_!"
+
+The President and Narli stared at her in consternation. She looked
+abashed for a moment, then smiled widely at Narli and the press
+photographers.
+
+"Welcome to Earth, dear Professor Gzann!" she exclaimed, mispronouncing
+his name, of course. Bending down, she kissed him right upon his fuzzy
+forehead.
+
+Kissing was not a Saturnian practice, nor did Narli approve of it;
+however, he had read enough about Earth to know that Europeans sometimes
+greeted dignitaries in this peculiar way. Only this place, he had been
+given to understand, was not Europe but America.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I am having a cocktail party in your honor this afternoon!" she beamed,
+smoothing her flowered print dress down over her girdle. "You'll be
+there at five sharp, won't you, dear?"
+
+"Delighted," he promised dismally. He could hardly plead a previous
+engagement a moment after arriving.
+
+"I've tried to get all the things you like to eat," she went on
+anxiously, "but you will tell me if there's anything special, won't
+you?"
+
+"I am on a diet," he said. He must be strong. Probably the food would be
+repulsive anyhow, so he'd have no difficulty controlling his appetite.
+"Digestive disorders, you know. A glass of Vichy and a biscuit will
+be...."
+
+He stopped, for there were tears in Mrs. Purrington's eyes. "Your tummy
+hurts? Oh, you poor little darling!"
+
+"Gladys!" the President said sharply.
+
+There were frismil nuts at Mrs. Purrington's cocktail party and vilbar
+and even slipnis broogs ... all imported at fabulous expense, Narli
+knew, but then this was a government affair and expense means nothing to
+a government since, as far as it is concerned, money grows on taxpayers.
+Some of the native foods proved surprisingly palatable, too--pate de
+foie gras and champagne and little puff pastries full of delightful
+surprises. Narli was afraid he was making a zloogle of himself. However,
+he thought, trying not to catch sight of his own portly person in the
+mirrors that walled the room, the lean days were just ahead.
+
+Besides, what could he do when everyone insisted on pressing food on
+him? "Try this, Professor Gzann." "Do try that, Professor Gzann."
+("Doesn't he look cunning in his little dress suit?") They crowded
+around him. The women cooed, the men beamed, and Narli ate. He would be
+glad when he could detach himself from all this cloying diplomacy and
+get back to the healthy rancor of the classroom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At school, the odor of chalk dust, ink and rotting apple cores was
+enough like its Saturnian equivalent to make Narli feel at home
+immediately. The students would dislike him on sight, he knew. It is in
+the nature of the young to be hostile toward whatever is strange and
+alien. They would despise him and jeer at him, and he, in his turn,
+would give them long, involved homework assignments and such difficult
+examinations that they would fail....
+
+Narli waddled briskly up to his desk which had, he saw, been scaled down
+to Saturnian size, whereas he had envisioned himself struggling
+triumphantly with ordinary Earth-sized, furniture. But the atmosphere
+was as hot and sticky and intolerable as he had expected. Panting as
+unobtrusively as possible, he rapped with his pointer. "Attention,
+students!"
+
+Now should come the derisive babble ... but there was a respectful
+silence, broken suddenly by a shrill feminine whisper of, "Oooo, he's so
+adorable!" followed by the harsh, "Shhh, Ava! You'll embarrass the poor
+little thing."
+
+Narli's face swelled. "I am your new professor of Saturnian Studies.
+Saturn, as you probably know, is a major planet. It is much larger and
+more important than Earth, which is only a minor planet."
+
+The students obediently took this down in their notebooks. They
+carefully took down everything he said. Even a bout of coughing that
+afflicted him half-way through seemed to be getting a phonetic
+transcription. From time to time, they would interrupt his lecture with
+questions so pertinent, so well-thought out and so courteous that all he
+could do was answer them.
+
+His antennae lifted to catch the whispers that from time to time were
+exchanged between even the best-behaved of the students. "Isn't he
+precious?" "Seems like a nice fellow--sound grasp of his subject."
+"Sweet little thing!" "Unusually interesting presentation." "Doesn't he
+remind you of Winnie the Pooh?" "Able chap." "Just darling!"
+
+After class, instead of rushing out of the room, they hovered around his
+desk with intelligent, solicitous questions. Did he like Earth? Was his
+desk too high? Too low? Didn't he find it hot with all that fur? Such
+lovely, soft, fluffy fur, though. "Do you mind if I stroke one of your
+paws--_hands_--Professor?" ("So cuddly-looking!")
+
+He said yes, as a matter of fact, he was hot, and no, he didn't mind
+being touched in a spirit of scientific investigation.
+
+He had a moment of uplift at the teachers' cafeteria when he discovered
+lunch to be virtually inedible. The manager, however, had been
+distressed to see him pick at his food, and by dinner-time a
+distinguished chef with an expert knowledge of Saturnian cuisine had
+been rushed from Washington. Since the school food was inedible for all
+intelligent life-forms, everyone ate the Saturnian dishes and praised
+Narli as a public benefactor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+That night, alone in the quiet confines of his small room at the Men's
+Faculty Club, Narli had spread out his notes and was about to start work
+on his history when there was a knock at the door. He trotted over to
+open it, grumbling to himself.
+
+The head of his department smiled brightly down at him. "Some of us are
+going out for a couple of drinks and a gabfest. Care to come along?"
+
+Narli did not see how he could refuse and still carry the Saturnian's
+burden, so he accepted. Discovering that gin fizzes and Alexanders were
+even more palatable than champagne and more potent than vilbar, he told
+several Saturnine locker-room stories which were hailed with loud
+merriment. But he was being laughed _at_, not _with_, he knew. All this
+false cordiality, he assured himself, would die down after a couple of
+days, and then he would be able to get back to work. He must curb his
+intellectual impatience.
+
+In the morning, he found that enrollment in his classes had doubled, and
+the room was crowded to capacity with the bright, shining, eager faces
+of young Terrestrials athirst for learning. There were apples,
+chocolates and imported frismil nuts on his desk, as well as a pressing
+invitation from Mrs. Purrington for him to spend all his weekends and
+holidays at the White House. The window was fitted with an
+air-conditioning unit which, he later discovered, his classes had
+chipped in to buy for him, and the temperature had been lowered to a
+point where it was almost comfortable. All the students wore coats.
+
+When he went out on the campus, women--students, teachers, even
+strangers--stopped to talk to him, to exclaim over him, to touch him,
+even to kiss him. Photographers were perpetually taking pictures, some
+of which turned up in the Student Union as full-color postcards. They
+sold like Lajl out of season.
+
+Narli wrote in Saturnian on the back of one: "Having miserable time; be
+glad you're not here," and sent it to Slood.
+
+There were cocktail parties, musicales and balls in Narli's honor. When
+he tried to refuse an invitation, he was accused of shyness and
+virtually dragged to the affair by laughing members of the faculty. He
+put on so much weight that he had to buy a complete new Terrestrial
+outfit, which set him back a pretty penny. As a result, he had to
+augment his income by lecturing to women's clubs. They slobbered
+appallingly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Narli's students did all their homework assiduously and, in fact, put in
+more work than had been assigned. At the end of the year, not only did
+all of them pass, but with flying colors.
+
+"I hope you'll remember, Professor Gzann," the President of the
+University said, "that there will always be a job waiting for you
+here--a non-exchange professorship. Love to have you."
+
+"Thank you," Narli replied politely.
+
+Mrs. Purrington broke into loud sobs when he told her he was leaving
+Earth. "Oh, I'll miss you so, Narli! You will write, won't you?"
+
+"Yes, of course," he said grimly. That made two hundred and eighteen
+people to whom he'd had to promise to write.
+
+It was fortunate he was traveling as a guest of the North American
+government, he thought as he supervised the loading of his matched
+interplanetary luggage; his eight steamer baskets; his leather-bound
+_Encyclopedia Terrestria_, with his name imprinted in gold on each
+volume; his Indian war-bonnet; his oil painting of the President; and
+his six cases of champagne--all parting gifts--onto the liner. Otherwise
+the fee for excess luggage would take what little remained of his bank
+account. There had been so many expenses--clothes and hostess gifts and
+ice.
+
+Not all his mementoes were in his luggage. A new rare-metal watch
+gleamed on each of his four furry wrists; a brand-new trobskin wallet,
+platinum key-chain, and uranium fountain pen were in his pocket; and a
+diamond and curium bauble clasped a tie lovingly handpainted by a female
+student. The argyles on his fuzzy ankles had been knitted by another.
+Still another devoted pupil had presented him with a hand-woven plastic
+case full of frismil nuts to eat on the way back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Well, Narli!" Slood said, his face swelling with joy. "Well, well!
+You've put on weight, I see."
+
+Narli dropped into his old chair with a sigh. Surely Slood might have
+picked something else to comment on first--his haggardness, for
+instance, or the increased spirituality of his expression.
+
+"Nothing else to do on Earth in your leisure moments but eat, I
+suppose," Slood said, pushing over the nut tray. "Even their food. Have
+some frismils."
+
+"No, thank you," Narli replied coldly.
+
+Slood looked at him in distress. "Oh, how you must have suffered! Was it
+very, very bad, Narli?"
+
+Narli hunched low in his chair. "It was just awful."
+
+"I'm sure they didn't mean to be unkind," Slood assured him. "Naturally,
+you were a strange creature to them and they're only--"
+
+"_Unkind?_" Narli gave a bitter laugh. "They practically killed me with
+kindness! It was fuss, fuss, fuss all the time."
+
+"Now, Narli, I do wish you wouldn't be quite so sarcastic."
+
+"I'm _not_ being sarcastic. And I wasn't a strange creature to them. It
+seems there's a sort of popular child's toy on Earth known as a--" he
+winced--"teddy bear. I aroused pleasant childhood memories in them, so
+they showered me with affection and edibles."
+
+Slood closed his eyes in anguish. "You are very brave, Narli," he said
+almost reverently. "Very brave and wise and good. Certainly that would
+be the best thing to tell our people. After all, the Terrestrials are
+our allies; we don't want to stir up public sentiment against them. But
+you can be honest with _me_, Narli. Did they refuse to serve you in
+restaurants? Were you segregated in public vehicles? Did they shrink
+from you when you came close?"
+
+Narli beat the desk with all four hands. "I was hardly ever given the
+chance to be alone! They crawled all over me! Restaurants begged for my
+trade! I had to hire private vehicles because in public ones I was
+mobbed by admirers!"
+
+"Such a short time," Slood murmured, "and already suspicious of even me,
+your oldest friend. But don't talk about it if you don't want to,
+Narli.... Tell me, though, did they sneer at you and whisper
+half-audible insults? Did they--"
+
+"You're right!" Narli snapped. "I _don't_ want to talk about it."
+
+Slood placed a comforting hand upon his shoulder. "Perhaps that's
+wisest, until the shock of your experience has worn off."
+
+Narli made an irritable noise.
+
+"The Perzils are giving a vilbar party tonight," Slood said. "But I know
+how you feel about parties. I've told them you're exhausted from your
+trip and won't be able to make it."
+
+"Oh, you did, did you?" Narli asked ironically. "What makes you think
+you know how I feel about parties?"
+
+"But--"
+
+"There's an interesting saying on Earth: 'Travel is so broadening.'" He
+looked down at his bulges with tolerant amusement. "In more than one
+way, in case the meaning eludes you. Very sound psychologically. I've
+discovered that I _like_ parties. I _like_ being _liked_. If you'll
+excuse me, I'm going to inform the Perzils that I shall be delighted to
+come to their party. Care to join me?"
+
+"Well," Slood mumbled, "I'd like to, but I have so much work--"
+
+"Introvert!" said Narli, and he began dialing the Perzils.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Vilbar Party, by Evelyn E. Smith
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