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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* + + + + + +The Enchanted Typewriter + +by John Kendrick Bangs + + + + +I + +THE DISCOVERY + + + + +It is a strange fact, for which I do not expect ever +satisfactorily to account, and which will receive little +credence even among those who know that I am not given to +romancing--it is a strange fact, I say, that the substance of +the following pages has evolved itself during a period of six +months, more or less, between the hours of midnight and four +o'clock in the morning, proceeding directly from a type-writing +machine standing in the corner of my library, manipulated by +unseen hands. The machine is not of recent make. It is, in fact, +a relic of the early seventies, which I discovered one morning +when, suffering from a slight attack of the grip, I had remained +at home and devoted my time to pottering about in the attic, +unearthing old books, bringing to the light long-forgotten +correspondences, my boyhood collections of "stuff," and other +memory-inducing things. Whence the machine came originally I do +not recall. My impression is that it belonged to a stenographer +once in the employ of my father, who used frequently to come +to our house to take down dictations. However this may be, the +machine had lain hidden by dust and the flotsam and jetsam of +the house for twenty years, when, as I have said, I came upon +it unexpectedly. Old man as I am--I shall soon be thirty--the +fascination of a machine has lost none of its potency. I am as +pleased to-day watching the wheels of my watch "go round" as +ever I was, and to "monkey" with a type-writing apparatus has +always brought great joy into my heart--though for composing +give me the pen. Perhaps I should apologize for the use here +of the verb monkey, which savors of what a friend of mine +calls the "English slanguage," to differentiate it from what +he also calls the "Andrew Language." But I shall not do so, +because, to whatever branch of our tongue the word may belong, +it is exactly descriptive, and descriptive as no other word +can be, of what a boy does with things that click and "go," +and is therefore not at all out of place in a tale which I +trust will be regarded as a polite one. + +The discovery of the machine put an end to my attic +potterings. I cared little for finding old bill-files and +collections of Atlantic cable-ends when, with a whole morning, +a type-writing machine, and a screw-driver before me I could +penetrate the mysteries of that useful mechanism. I shall +not endeavor to describe the delightful sensations of that +hour of screwing and unscrewing; they surpass the powers of +my pen. Suffice it to say that I took the whole apparatus +apart, cleaned it well, oiled every joint, and then put it +together again. I do not suppose a seven-year-old boy could have +derived more satisfaction from taking a piano to pieces. It was +exhilarating, and I resolved that as a reward for the pleasure +it had given me the machine should have a brand-new ribbon and +as much ink as it could consume. And that, in brief, is how it +came to be that this machine of antiquated pattern was added to +the library bric-a-brac. To say the truth, it was of no more +practical use than Barye's dancing bear, a plaster cast of +which adorns my mantel-shelf, so that when I classify it with +the bric-a-brac I do so advisedly. I frequently tried to write +a jest or two upon it, but the results were extraordinarily +like Sir Arthur Sullivan's experience with the organ into +whose depths the lost chord sank, never to return. I dashed +off the jests well enough, but somewhere between the keys +and the types they were lost, and the results, when I came to +scan the paper, were depressing. And once I tried a sonnet on +the keys. Exactly how to classify the jumble that came out of +it I do not know, but it was curious enough to have appealed +strongly to D'Israeli or any other collector of the literary +oddity. More singular than the sonnet, though, was the fact +that when I tried to write my name upon this strange machine, +instead of finding it in all its glorious length written upon +the paper, I did find "William Shakespeare" printed there in +its stead. Of course you will say that in putting the machine +together I mixed up the keys and the letters. I have no doubt +that I did, but when I tell you that there have been times +when, looking at myself in the glass, I have fancied that +I saw in my mirrored face the lineaments of the great bard; +that the contour of my head is precisely the same as was his; +that when visiting Stratford for the first time every foot +of it was pregnant with clearly defined recollections to me, +you will perhaps more easily picture to yourself my sensations +at the moment. + +However, enough of describing the machine in its relation +to myself. I have said sufficient, I think, to convince you +that whatever its make, its age, and its limitations, it was +an extraordinary affair; and, once convinced of that, you may +the more readily believe me when I tell you that it has gone +into business apparently for itself--and incidentally for me. + +It was on the morning of the 26th of March last that I +discovered the curious condition of affairs concerning which +I have essayed to write. My family do not agree with me as to +the date. They say that it was on the evening of the 25th of +March that the episode had its beginning; but they are not +aware, for I have not told them, that it was not evening, +but morning, when I reached home after the dinner at the +Aldus Club. It was at a quarter of three A.M. precisely that +I entered my house and proceeded to remove my hat and coat, +in which operation I was interrupted, and in a startling +manner, by a click from the dark recesses of the library. A +man does not like to hear a click which he cannot comprehend, +even before he has dined. After he has dined, however, and +feels a satisfaction with life which cannot come to him before +dinner, to hear a mysterious click, and from a dark corner, +at an hour when the world is at rest, is not pleasing. To say +that my heart jumped into my mouth is mild. I believe it jumped +out of my mouth and rebounded against the wall opposite back +though my system into my boots. All the sins of my past life, +and they are many--I once stepped upon a caterpillar, and I have +coveted my neighbor both his man-servant and his maid-servant, +though not his wife nor his ass, because I don't like his wife +and he keeps no live-stock--all my sins, I say, rose up before +me, for I expected every moment that a bullet would penetrate +my brain, or my heart if perchance the burglar whom I suspected +of levelling a clicking revolver at me aimed at my feet. + +"Who is there?" I cried, making a vocal display of bravery I +did not feel, hiding behind our hair sofa. + +The only answer was another click. + +"This is serious," I whispered softly to myself. "There are +two of 'em; I am in the light, unarmed. They are concealed by +the darkness and have revolvers. There is only one way out of +this, and that is by strategy. I'll pretend I think I've made +a mistake." So I addressed myself aloud. + +"What an idiot you are," I said, so that my words could be +heard by the burglars. "If this is the effect of Aldus Club +dinners you'd better give them up. That click wasn't a click +at all, but the ticking of our new eight-day clock." + +I paused, and from the corner there came a dozen more clicks +in quick succession, like the cocking of as many revolvers. + +"Great Heavens!" I murmured, under my breath. "It must be Ali +Baba with his forty thieves." + +As I spoke, the mystery cleared itself, for following close +upon a thirteenth click came the gentle ringing of a bell, and +I knew then that the type-writing machine was in action; but +this was by no means a reassuring discovery. Who or what could +it be that was engaged upon the type-writer at that unholy hour, +3 A.M.? If a mortal being, why was my coming no interruption? If +a supernatural being, what infernal complication might not +the immediate future have in store for me? + +My first impulse was to flee the house, to go out into the night +and pace the fields--possibly to rush out to the golf links and +play a few holes in the dark in order to cool my brow, which +was rapidly becoming fevered. Fortunately, however, I am not +a man of impulse. I never yield to a mere nerve suggestion, +and so, instead of going out into the storm and certainly +contracting pneumonia, I walked boldly into the library to +investigate the causes of the very extraordinary incident. You +may rest well assured, however, that I took care to go armed, +fortifying myself with a stout stick, with a long, ugly steel +blade concealed within it--a cowardly weapon, by-the-way, which +I permit to rest in my house merely because it forms a part +of a collection of weapons acquired through the failure of a +comic paper to which I had contributed several articles. The +editor, when the crash came, sent me the collection as part +payment of what was owed me, which I think was very good of +him, because a great many people said that it was my stuff +that killed the paper. But to return to the story. Fortifying +myself with the sword-cane, I walked boldly into the library, +and, touching the electric button, soon had every gas-jet in +the room giving forth a brilliant flame; but these, brilliant +as they were, disclosed nothing in the chair before the machine. + +The latter, apparently oblivious of my presence, went clicking +merrily and as rapidly along as though some expert young +woman were in charge. Imagine the situation if you can. A +type-writing machine of ancient make, its letters clear, but +out of accord with the keys, confronted by an empty chair, +three hours after midnight, rattling off page after page of +something which might or might not be readable, I could not +at the moment determine. For two or three minutes I gazed in +open-mouthed wonder. I was not frightened, but I did experience +a sensation which comes from contact with the uncanny. As I +gradually grasped the situation and became used, somewhat, +to what was going on, I ventured a remark. + +"This beats the deuce!" I observed. + +The machine stopped for an instant. The sheet of paper upon +which the impressions of letters were being made flew out +from under the cylinder, a pure white sheet was as quickly +substituted, and the keys clicked off the line: + +"What does?" + +I presumed the line was in response to my assertion, so +I replied: + +"You do. What uncanny freak has taken possession of you to-night +that you start in to write on your own hook, having resolutely +declined to do any writing for me ever since I rescued you +from the dust and dirt and cobwebs of the attic?" + +"You never rescued me from any attic," the machine +replied. "You'd better go to bed; you've dined too well, +I imagine. When did you rescue me from the dust and dirt and +the cobwebs of any attic?" + +"What an ungrateful machine you are!" I cried. "If you have +sense enough to go into writing on your own account, you ought +to have mind enough to remember the years you spent up-stairs +under the roof neglected, and covered with hammocks, awnings, +family portraits, and receipted bills." + +"Really, my dear fellow," the machine tapped back, "I must +repeat it. Bed is the place for you. You're not coherent. I'm +not a machine, and upon my honor, I've never seen your darned +old attic." + +"Not a machine!" I cried. "Then what in Heaven's name are +you?--a sofa-cushion?" + +"Don't be sarcastic, my dear fellow," replied the machine. "Of +course I'm not a machine; I'm Jim--Jim Boswell." + +"What?" I roared. "You? A thing with keys and type and a bell--" + +"I haven't got any keys or any type or a bell. What on earth +are you talking about?" replied the machine. "What have you +been eating?" + +"What's that?" I asked, putting my hand on the keys. + +"That's keys," was the answer. + +"And these, and that?" I added, indicating the type and +the bell. + +"Type and bell," replied the machine. + +"And yet you say you haven't got them," I persisted. + +"No, I haven't. The machine has got them, not I," was the +response. "I'm not the machine. I'm the man that's using +it--Jim--Jim Boswell. What good would a bell do me? I'm not a +cow or a bicycle. I'm the editor of the Stygian Gazette, and +I've come here to copy off my notes of what I see and hear, +and besides all this I do type-writing for various people in +Hades, and as this machine of yours seemed to be of no use to +you I thought I'd try it. But if you object, I'll go." + +As I read these lines upon the paper I stood amazed and +delighted. + +"Go!" I cried, as the full value of his patronage of my machine +dawned upon me, for I could sell his copy and he would be none +the worse off, for, as I understand the copyright laws, they +are not designed to benefit authors, but for the protection +of type-setters. "Why, my dear fellow, it would break my +heart if, having found my machine to your taste, you should +ever think of using another. I'll lend you my bicycle, too, +if you'd like it--in fact, anything I have is at your command." + +"Thank you very much," returned Boswell through the medium of +the keys, as usual. "I shall not need your bicycle, but this +machine is of great value to me. It has several very remarkable +qualities which I have never found in any other machine. For +instance, singular to relate, Mendelssohn and I were fooling +about here the other night, and when he saw this machine he +thought it was a spinet of some new pattern; so what does he do +but sit down and play me one of his songs without words on it, +and, by jove! when he got through, there was the theme of the +whole thing printed on a sheet of paper before him." + +"You don't really mean to say--" I began. + +"I'm telling you precisely what happened," said +Boswell. "Mendelssohn was tickled to death with it, and he +played every song without words that he ever wrote, and every +one of 'em was fitted with words which he said absolutely +conveyed the ideas he meant to bring out with the music. Then +I tried the machine, and discovered another curious thing about +it. It's intensely American. I had a story of Alexander Dumas' +about his Musketeers that he wanted translated from French into +American, which is the language we speak below, in preference +to German, French, Volapuk, or English. I thought I'd copy +off a few lines of the French original, and as true as I'm +sitting here before your eyes, where you can't see me, the +copy I got was a good, though rather free, translation. Think +of it! That's an advanced machine for you!" + +I looked at the machine wistfully. "I wish I could make it +work," I said; and I tried as before to tap off my name, and +got instead only a confused jumble of letters. It wouldn't +even pay me the compliment of transforming my name into that +of Shakespeare, as it had previously done. + +It was thus that the magic qualities of the machine were made +known to me, and out of it the following papers have grown. I +have set them down without much editing or alteration, and now +submit them to your inspection, hoping that in perusing them +you will derive as much satisfaction and delight as I have in +being the possessor of so wonderful a machine, manipulated by +so interesting a person as "Jim--Jim Boswell"--as he always +calls himself--and others, who, as you will note, if perchance +you have the patience to read further, have upon occasions +honored my machine by using it. + +I must add in behalf of my own reputation for honesty that +Mr. Boswell has given me all right, title, and interest in +these papers in this world as a return for my permission to +him to use my machine. + +"What if they make a hit and bring in barrels of gold in +royalties," he said. "I can't take it back with me where I live, +so keep it yourself." + + + + +II + +MR. BOSWELL IMPARTS SOME LATE NEWS OF HADES + + + + +Boswell was a little late in arriving the next night. He had +agreed to be on hand exactly at midnight, but it was after +one o'clock before the machine began to click and the bell +to ring. I had fallen asleep in the soft upholstered depths +of my armchair, feeling pretty thoroughly worn out by the +experiences of the night before, which, in spite of their +pleasant issue, were nevertheless somewhat disturbing to a +nervous organization like mine. Suddenly I waked, and with the +awakening there entered into my mind the notion that the whole +thing was merely a dream, and that in the end it would be the +better for me if I were to give up Aldus and other club dinners +with nightmare inducing menus. But I was soon convinced that the +real state of affairs was quite otherwise, and that everything +really had happened as I have already related it to you, for +I had hardly gotten my eyes free from what my poetic son calls +"the seeds of sleep" when I heard the type-writer tap forth: + +"Hello, old man!" + +Incidentally let me say that this had become another interesting +feature of the machine. Since my first interview with Boswell +the taps seemed to speak, and if some one were sitting before +it and writing a line the mere differentiation of sounds of the +various keys would convey to the mind the ideas conveyed to it +by the printed words. So, as I say, my ears were greeted with +a clicking "Hello, old man!" followed immediately by the bell. + +"You are late," said I, looking at my watch. + +"I know it," was the response. "But I can't help it. During the +campaign I am kept so infernally busy I hardly know where I am." + +"Campaign, eh?" I put in. "Do you have campaigns in Hades?" + +"Yes," replied Boswell, "and we are having a--well, to be +polite, a regular Gehenna of a time. Things have changed +much in Hades latterly. There has been a great growth in the +democratic spirit below, and his Majesty is having a deuce +of a time running his kingdom. Washington and Cromwell and +Caesar have had the nerve to demand a constitution from the +venerable Nicholas--" + +"From whom?" I queried, perplexed somewhat, for I was not yet +fully awake. + +"Old Nick," replied Boswell; "and I can tell you there's a +pretty fight on between the supporters of the administration +and the opposition. Secure in his power, the Grand Master of +Hades has been somewhat arbitrary, and he has made the mistake +of doing some of his subjects a little too brown. Take the +case of Bonaparte, for instance: the government has ruled +that he was personally responsible for all the wars of Europe +from 1800 up to Waterloo, and it was proposed to hang him +once for every man killed on either side throughout that +period. Bonaparte naturally resisted. He said he had a good +neck, which he did not object to have broken three or four +times, because he admitted he deserved it; but when it came to +hanging him five or six million times, once a month, for, say, +five million months, or twelve times a year for 415,000 years, +he didn't like it, and wouldn't stand it, and wanted to submit +the question to arbitration. + +"Nicholas observed that the word arbitration was not in his +especially expurgated dictionary, whereupon Bonaparte remarked +that he wasn't responsible for that; that he thought it a +good word and worthy of incorporation in any dictionary and +in all vocabularies. + +"'I don't care what you think,' retorted his Majesty. 'It's +what I don't think that goes;' and he commanded his imps +to prepare the gallows on the third Thursday of each month +for Bonaparte's expiation; ordered his secretary to send +Bonaparte a type-written notice that his presence on each +occasion was expected, and gave orders to the police to see +that he was there willy-nilly. Naturally Bonaparte resisted, +and appealed to the courts. Blackstone sustained his appeal, +and Nicholas overruled him. The first Thursday came, and the +police went for the Emperor, but he was surrounded by a good +half of the men who had fought under him, and the minions +of the law could do nothing against them. In consequence, +Bonaparte's brother, Joseph, a quiet, inoffensive citizen, +was dragged from his home and hanged in his place, Nicholas +contending that when a soldier could not, or would not, serve, +the government had a right to expect a substitute. Well," +said Boswell, at this point, "that set all Hades on fire. We +were divided as to Bonaparte's deserts, but the hanging of +other people as substitutes was too much. We didn't know who'd +be substituted next. The English backed up Blackstone, of +course. The French army backed up Bonaparte. The inoffensive +citizens were aroused in behalf of Joseph, for they saw at +once whither they were drifting if the substitute idea was +carried out to its logical conclusion; and in half an hour +the administration was on the defensive, which, as you know, +is a very, very, very bad thing for an administration." + +"It is, if it desires to be returned to office," said I. + +"It is anyhow," replied Boswell through the medium of the keys. +"It's in exactly the same position as that of a humorist who +has to print explanatory diagrams with all of his jokes. The +administration papers were hot over the situation. The king +can do no wrong idea was worked for all it was worth, but +beyond this they drew pathetic pictures of the result of all +these deplorable tendencies. What was Hades for, they asked, +if a man, after leading a life of crime in the other world, +was not to receive his punishment there? The attitude of +the opposition was a radical and vicious blow at the vital +principles of the sphere itself. The opposition papers coolly +and calmly took the position that the vital principles of Hades +were all right; that it was the extreme view as to the power +of the Emperor taken by that person himself that wouldn't go in +these democratic days. Punishment for Bonaparte was the correct +thing, and Bonaparte expected some, but was not grasping enough +to want it all. They added that recent fully settled ideas as +to a humane application of the laws required the bunching of +the indictments or the selection of one and a fair trial based +upon that, and that anyhow, under no circumstances, should +a wholly innocent person be made to suffer for the crimes of +another. These journals were suppressed, but the next day a +set of new papers were started to promulgate the same theories +as to individual rights. The province of Cimmeria declared +itself independent of the throne, and set up in the business +of government for itself. Gehenna declared for the Emperor, +but insisted upon home rule for cities of its own class, +and finally, as I informed you at the beginning, Washington, +Cromwell, and Caesar went in person to Apollyon and demanded +a constitution. That was the day before yesterday, and just +what will come of it we don't as yet know, because Washington +and Cromwell and Caesar have not been seen since, but we have +great fears for them, because seventeen car-loads of vitriol +and a thousand extra tons of coal were ordered by the Lord +High Steward of the palace to be delivered to the Minister of +Justice last night." + +"Quite a complication," said I. "The Americanization of Hades +has begun at last. How does society regard the affair?" + +"Variously," observed Boswell. "Society hates the government as +much as anybody, and really believes in curtailing the Emperor's +powers, but, on the other hand, it desires to maintain all of +its own aristocratic privileges. The main trouble in Hades at +present is the gradual disintegration of society; that is to +say, its former component parts are beginning to differentiate +themselves the one from the other." + +"Like capital and labor here?" I queried. + +"In a sense, yes--possibly more like your Colonial Dames, and +Daughters of the Revolution. For instance, great organizations +are in process of formation--people are beginning to flock +together for purposes of protection. Charles the First and +Henry the Eighth and Louis the Fourteenth have established Ye +Ancient and Honorable Order of Kings, to which only those who +have actually worn crowns shall be eligible. The painters have +gotten together with a Society of Fine Arts, the sculptors have +formed a Society of Chisellers, and all the authors from Homer +down to myself have got up an Authors' Club where we have a +lovely time talking about ourselves, no man to be eligible +who hasn't written something that has lasted a hundred +years. Perhaps, if you are thinking of coming over soon, +you'll let me put you on our waiting-list?" + +I smiled at his seeming inconsistency and let myself into +his snare. + +"I haven't written anything that has lasted a hundred years +yet," said I. + +"Oh, yes, I think you have," replied Boswell, and the machine +seemed to laugh as he wrote out his answer. "I saw a joke of +yours the other day that's two hundred centuries old. Diogenes +showed it to me and said that it was a great favorite with +his grandfather, who had inherited it from one of his remote +ancestors." + +A hot retort was on my lips, but I had no wish to offend my +guest, so I smiled and observed that I had frequently indulged +in unconscious plagiarism of that sort. + +"I should imagine," I hastened to add, "that to men like Charles +the First this uncertainty as to the safety of Cromwell would +be great joy." + +"I hardly know," returned Boswell. "That very question has been +discussed among us. Charles made a great outward show of grief +when he heard of the coal being delivered at the office of the +Minister of Justice, and we all thought him quite magnanimous, +but it leaked out, just before I left to come here, that he +sent his private secretary to the palace with a Panama hat and +a palm-leaf fan for Cromwell, with his congratulations. + +"That seems to savor somewhat of sarcasm." + +"Oh, ultimately Hades is bound to be a republic," replied +Boswell. "There are too many clever and ambitious politicians +among us for the place to go along as a despotism much +longer. If the place were filled up with poets and society +people, and things like that, it might go on as an autocracy +forever, but you see it isn't. To men of the caliber of +Alexander the Great and Bonaparte and Caesar, and a thousand +other warriors who never were used to taking orders from +anybody, but were themselves headquarters, the despotic sway +of Apollyon is intolerable, and he hasn't made any effort +to conciliate any of them. If he had appointed Bonaparte +commander-in-chief of his army and made a friend of him, instead +of ordering him to be hanged every month for 415,000 years, +or put Caesar in as Secretary of State, instead of having him +roasted three times a month for seventy or eighty centuries, he +would have strengthened his hold. As it is, he has ignored all +these people officially, treats them like criminals personally; +makes friends with Mazarin and Powhatan, awards the office of +Tax Assessor to Dick Turpin, and makes old Falstaff commander of +his Imperial Guard. And just because poor Ben Jonson scribbled +off a rhyme for my paper, The Gazette--a rhyme running: + + Mazarin And Powhatan, + Turpin and Falstaff, + Form, you bet, A cabinet + To make a donkey laugh. + + Mazarin And Powhatan + Run Apollyon's state. + The Dick and Jacks Collect the tax-- + The people pay the freight. + +--just because Jonson wrote that and I published it, my paper +was confiscated, Jonson was boiled in oil for ten weeks, and I +was seized and thrown into a dungeon where a lot of savages from +the South Sea Islands tattooed the darned old jingle between +my shoulder blades in green letters, and not satisfied with +this barbaric act, right under the jingle they added the line, +in red letters, 'This edition strictly limited to one copy, for +private circulation only,' and they every one of 'em, Apollyon, +Mazarin, and the rest, signed the guarantee personally with +red-hot pens dipped in sulphuric acid. It makes a valuable +collection of autographs, no doubt, but I prefer my back as +nature made it. Talk about enlightened government under a man +who'll permit things like that to be done!" + +I ought not to have done it, but I couldn't help smiling. + +"I must say," I observed, apologetically, "that the treatment +was barbarous, but really I do think it showed a sense of +humor on the part of the government." + +"No doubt," replied Boswell, with a sigh; "but when the +joke is on me I don't enjoy it very much. I'm only human, +and should prefer to observe that the government had some +sense of justice." + +The apparently empty chair before the machine gave a slight +hitch forward, and the type-writer began to tap again. + +"You'll have to excuse me now," observed Boswell through the +usual medium. "I have work to do, and if you'll go to bed like +a good fellow, while I copy off the minutes of the last meeting +of the Authors' Club, I'll see that you don't lose anything by +it. After I get the minutes done I have an interesting story for +my Sunday paper from the advance sheets of Munchausen's Further +Recollections, which I shall take great pleasure in leaving for +you when I depart. If you will take the bundle of manuscript +I leave with you and boil it in alcohol for ten minutes, you +will be able to read it, and, no doubt, if you copy it off, +sell it for a goodly sum. It is guaranteed absolutely genuine." + +"Very well," said I, rising, "I'll go; but I should think you +would put in most of your time whacking at the government +editorially, instead of going in for minutes and abstract +stories of adventure." + +"You do, eh?" said Boswell. "Well, if you were in my place you'd +change your mind. After my unexpected endorsement by the Emperor +and his cabinet, I've decided to keep out of politics for a +little while. I can stand having a poem tattooed on my back, +but if it came to having a three-column editorial expressing my +emotions etched alongside of my spine, I'm afraid I'd disappear +into thin air." + +So I left him at work and retired. The next morning I found +the promised bundle of manuscripts, and, after boiling the +pages as instructed, discovered the following tale. + + + + +III + +FROM ADVANCE SHEETS OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN'S FURTHER RECOLLECTIONS + + + + +It is with some very considerable hesitation that I come to this +portion of my personal recollections, and yet I feel that I owe +it to my fellow-citizens in this delightful Stygian country, +where we are all enjoying our well-earned rest, to lay before +them the exact truth concerning certain incidents which have now +passed into history, and for participation in which a number +of familiar figures are improperly gaining all the credit, or +discredit, as the case may be. It is not a pleasant task to +expose an impostor; much less is it agreeable to expose four +impostors; but to one who from the earliest times--and when I +say earliest times I speak advisedly, as you will see as you +read on--to one, I say, who from the earliest times has been +actuated by no other motive than the promulgation of truth, the +task of exposing fraud becomes a duty which cannot be ignored. +Therefore, with regret I set down this chapter of my memoirs, +regardless of its consequences to certain figures which have +been of no inconsiderable importance in our community for many +years--figures which in my own favorite club, the Associated +Shades, have been most welcome, but which, as I and they alone +know, have been nothing more than impostures. + +In previous volumes I have confined my attention to my memoirs +as Baron Munchausen--but, dear reader, there are others. I WAS +NOT ALWAYS BARON MUNCHAUSEN; I HAVE BEEN OTHERS! I am not aware +that it has fallen to the lot of any but myself in the whole +span of universal existence to live more than one life upon +that curious, compact little ball of land and water called the +Earth, but, in any event, to me has fallen that privilege or +distinction, or whatever it may be, and upon the record made by +me in four separate existences, placed centuries apart, four +residents of this sphere are basing their claims to notice, +securing election to our clubs, and even venturing so far at +times as to make themselves personally obnoxious to me, who +with a word could expose their wicked deceit in all its naked +villainy to an astounded community. And in taking this course +they have gone too far. There is a limit beyond which no man +shall dare go with me. Satisfied with the ultimate embodiment +of my virtues in the Baron Munchausen, I have been disposed to +allow the impostors to pursue their deception in peace so long +as they otherwise behave themselves, but when Adam chooses +to allude to my writings as frothy lies, when Jonah attacks +my right as a literary person to tell tales of leviathans, +when Noah states that my ignorance in yachting matters is +colossal, and when William Shakespeare publicly brands me as +a person unworthy of belief who should be expelled from the +Associated Shades, then do I consider it time to speak out +and expose four of the greatest frauds that have ever been +inflicted upon a long-suffering public. + +To begin at the beginning then, let me state that my first +recollection dates back to a beautiful summer morning, when +in a lovely garden I opened my eyes and became conscious of +two very material facts: first, a charming woman arranging +her hair in the mirror-like waters of a silver lake directly +before me; and, second, a poignant pain in my side, as +though I had been operated upon for appendicitis, but which +in reality resulted from the loss of a rib which had in turn +evoluted into the charming and very human being I now saw +before me. That woman was Eve; that mirror-like lake was set +in the midst of the Garden of Eden; I was Adam, and not this +watery-eyed antediluvian calling himself by my name, who is a +familiar figure in the Anthropological Society, an authority +on evolution, and a blot upon civilization. + +I have little to say about this first existence of mine. It +was full of delights. Speech not having been invented, Eve +was an attractive companion to a man burdened as I was with +responsibilities, and until our children were born we went +our way in happiness and silence. It is not in the nature of +things, however, that children should not wish to talk, and +it was through the irrepressible efforts of Cain and Abel to +be heard as well as seen that first called the attention of +Eve and myself to the desirability of expressing our thoughts +in words rather than by masonic signs. + +I shall not burden my readers with further recollections of +this period. It was excessively primitive, of necessity, +but before leaving it I must ask the reader to put one or two +questions to himself in this matter. + +1st. How is it that this bearded patriarch, who now poses as +the only original Adam, has never been able, with any degree +of positiveness, to answer the question as to whether or not +he was provided with a caudal appendage--a question which I am +prepared to answer definitely, at any moment, if called upon +by the proper authorities, and, if need be, to produce not +only the tail itself, but the fierce and untamed pterodactyl +that bit it off upon that unfortunate autumn afternoon when +he and I had our first and last conflict. + +2d. Why is it that when describing a period concerning which +he is supposed to know all, he seems to have given voice to +sentiments in phrases which would have delighted Sheridan and +shed added glory upon the eloquence of Webster, AT A TIME WHEN, +AS I HAVE ALREADY SHOWN, THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS SPEECH? + +Upon these two points alone I rest my case against Adam: the +first is the reticence of guilt--he doesn't know, and he knows +he doesn't know; the second is a deliberate and offensive +prevarication, which shows again that he doesn't know, and +assumes that we are all equally ignorant. + +So much for Adam. Now for the cheap and year-ridden person +who has taken unto himself my second personality, Noah; and +that other strange combination of woe and wickedness, Jonah, +who has chosen to pre-empt my third. I shall deal with both +at one and the same time, for, taken separately, they are not +worthy of notice. + +Noah asserts that I know nothing of yachting. I will accept +the charge with the qualification that I know a great sight +more about Arking than he does; and as for Jonah, I can give +Jonah points on whaling, and I hereby challenge them both to a +Memoir Match for $2000 a side, in gold, to see which can give +to the world the most interesting reminiscences concerning the +cruises of the two craft in question, the Ark and the Whale, +upon neither of which did either of these two anachronisms +ever set foot, and of both of which I, in my two respective +existences, was commander-in-chief. The fact is that, as in +the case of the fictitious Adam, these two impersonators are +frauds. The man now masquerading as Noah was my hired man in +the latter part of the antediluvian period; was discharged +three years before the flood; was left on shore at the hour of +departure, and when last seen by me was sitting on the top of +an apple-tree, begging to do two men's work for nothing if we'd +only let him out of the wet. If he will at any time submit to +a cross-examination at my hands as to the principal events of +that memorable voyage, I will show to any fair-minded judge +how impossible is his claim that he was in command, or even +afloat, after the first week. I have hitherto kept silent in +this matter, in spite of many and repeated outrageous flings, +for the sake of his--or rather my--family, who have been +deceived, as have all the rest of us, barring, of course, +myself. References to portraits of leading citizens of that +period will easily show how this can be. We were all alike as +two peas in the olden days, and at a time when men reached to +an advanced age which is not known now, it frequently became +almost impossible to distinguish one old man from another. +I will say, finally, in regard to this person Noah that if +he can give to the public a statement telling the essential +differences between a pterodactyl and a double spondee that +will not prove utterly absurd to an educated person, I will +withdraw my accusation and resign from the club. BUT I KNOW +WELL HE CANNOT DO IT, and he does too, and that is about the +extent of his knowledge. + +Now as to Jonah. I really dislike very much to tread upon this +worthy's toes, and I should not do it had he not chosen to clap +an injunction upon a volume of Tales of the Whales, which I +wrote for children last summer, claiming that I was infringing +upon his copyright, and feeling that I as a self-respecting +man would never claim the discredit of having myself been +the person he claims to have been. I will candidly confess +that I am not proud of my achievements as Jonah. I was a very +oily person even before I embarked upon the seas as Lord High +Admiral of H.M.S. Leviathan. I was not a pleasant person to +know. If I spent the night with a friend, his roof would fall +in or his house would burn down. If I bet on a horse, he would +lead up to the home-stretch and fall down dead an inch from the +finish. If I went into a stock speculation, I was invariably +caught on a rising or a falling market. In my youth I spoiled +every yachting-party I went on by attracting a gale. When I +came out the moon went behind a cloud, and people who began +by endorsing my paper ended up in the poor-house. Commerce +wouldn't have me. Boards of Trade everywhere repudiated me, +and I gradually sank into that state of despair which finds no +solace anywhere but on the sea or in politics, and as politics +was then unknown I went to sea. The result is known to the +world. I was cast overboard, ingulfed by a whale, which, +in his defence let me be generous enough to say, swallowed +me inadvertently and with the usual result. I came back, and +life went on. Finally I came here, and when it got to the ears +of the authorities that I was in Hades, they sent me back for +the fourth time to earth in the person of William Shakespeare. + +That is the whole of the Jonah story. It is a sad story, and I +regret it; and I am sorry for the impostor when I reflect that +the character he has assumed possesses attractions for him. His +real life must have been a fearful thing if he is happy in his +impersonation, and for his punishment let us leave him where he +is. Having told the truth, I have done my duty. I cheerfully +resign my claim to the personality he claims--I relinquish +from this time on all right, title, and interest in the name; +but if he ever dares to interfere with me again in the use of +my personal recollections concerning the inside of whales I +shall hale him before the authorities. + +And now, finally, I come to Shakespeare, whom I have kept +for the last, not because he was the last chronologically, +but because I like to work up to a climax. + +Previous to my existence as Baron Munchausen I lived for a term +of years on earth as William Shakespeare, and what I have to +say now is more in the line of confession than otherwise. + +In my boyhood I was wild and I poached. If I were not afraid +of having it set down as a joke, I should say that I poached +everything from eggs to deer. I was not a great joy to my +parents. There was no deviltry in Stratford in which I did not +take a leading part, and finally, for the good of Warwickshire, +I was sent to London, where a person of my talents was more +likely to find congenial and appreciative surroundings. A glance +at such of my autographs as are now extant will demonstrate +the fact that I never learned to write; a glance at the first +folios of the plays attributed to me will likewise show that +I never learned to spell; and yet I walked into London with +one of the most exquisite poems in the English language in my +pocket. I am still filled with merriment over it. How was it, +the critics of the years since have asked--how was it that +this untutored little savage from leafy Warwickshire, with no +training and little education, came into London with "Venus +and Adonis" in manuscript in his pocket? It is quite evident +that the critic fraternity have no Sherlock Holmes in their +midst. It would not take much of an eye, a true detective's eye, +to see the milk in that cocoanut, for it is but a simple tale +after all. The way of it was this: On my way from Stratford to +London I walked through Coventry, and I remained in Coventry +overnight. I was ill-clad and hungry, and, having no money +with which to pay for my supper, I went to the Royal Arms Hotel +and offered my services as porter for the night, having noted +that a rich cavalcade from London, en route to Kenilworth, had +arrived unexpectedly at the Royal Arms. Taken by surprise, +and, therefore, unprepared to accommodate so many guests, +the landlord was glad to avail himself of my services, and +I was assigned to the position of boots. Among others whom I +served was Walter Raleigh, who, noting my ragged condition and +hearing what a roisterer and roustabout I had been, immediately +took pity upon me, and gave me a plum-colored court-suit with +which he was through, and which I accepted, put upon my back, +and next day wore off to London. It was in the pocket of this +that I found the poem of "Venus and Adonis." That poem, to keep +myself from starving, I published when I reached London, sending +a complimentary copy of course to my benefactor. When Raleigh +saw it he was naturally surprised but gratified, and on his +return to London he sought me out, and suggested the publication +of his sonnets. I was the first man he'd met, he said, who +was willing to publish his stuff on his own responsibility. I +immediately put out some of the sonnets, and in time was making +a comfortable living, publishing the anonymous works of most of +the young bucks about town, who paid well for my imprint. That +the public chose to think the works were mine was none of my +fault. I never claimed them, and the line on the title-page, +"By William Shakespeare," had reference to the publisher only, +and not, as many have chosen to believe, to the author. Thus +were published Lord Bacon's "Hamlet," Raleigh's poems, several +plays of Messrs. Beaumont and Fletcher--who were themselves +among the cleverest adapters of the times--and the rest of +that glorious monument to human credulity and memorial to +an impossible, wholly apocryphal genius, known as the works +of William Shakespeare. The extent of my writing during this +incarnation was ten autographs for collectors, and one attempt +at a comic opera called "A Midsummer's Nightmare," which was +never produced, because no one would write the music for it, +and which was ultimately destroyed with three of my quatrains +and all of Bacon's evidence against my authorship of "Hamlet," +in the fire at the Globe Theatre in the year 1613. + +These, then, dear reader, are the revelations which I have +to make. In my next incarnation I was the man I am now known +to be, Baron Munchausen. As I have said, I make the exposure +with regret, but the arrogance of these impudent impersonators +of my various personalities has grown too great to be longer +borne. I lay the simple story of their villany before you for +what it is worth. I have done my duty. If after this exposure +the public of Hades choose to receive them in their homes and +at their clubs, and as guests at their functions, they will +do it with a full knowledge of their duplicity. + +In conclusion, fearing lest there be some doubters among the +readers of this paper, I have allowed my friend, the editor +of this esteemed journal, which is to publish this story +exclusively on Sunday next, free access to my archives, and +he has selected as exhibits of evidence, to which I earnestly +call your attention, the originals of the cuts which illustrate +this chapter--viz: + +I. A full-length portrait of Eve as she appeared at our first +meeting. + +II. Portraits of Cain and Abel at the ages of two, five, +and seven. + +III. The original plans and specifications of the Ark. + +IV. Facsimile of her commission. + +V. Portrait-sketch of myself and the false Noah, made at the +time, and showing how difficult it would have been for any +member of my family, save myself, to tell us apart. + +VI. A cathode-ray photograph of the whale, showing myself, +the original Jonah, seated inside. + +VII. Facsimiles of the Shakespeare autographs, proving that +he knew neither how to write nor to spell, and so of course +proving effectually that I was not the author of his works. + + +It must be confessed that I read this article of Munchausen's +with amazement, and I awaited with much excited curiosity +the coming again of the manipulator of my type-writing +machine. Surely a revelation of this nature should create +a sensation in Hades, and I was anxious to learn how it was +received. Boswell did not materialize, however, and for five +nights I fairly raged with the fever of curiosity, but on +the sixth night the familiar tinkle of the bell announced an +arrival, and I flew to the machine and breathlessly cried: + +"Hullo, old chap, how did it come out?" + +The reply was as great a surprise as I have yet had, for it +was not Boswell, Jim Boswell, who answered my question. + + + + +IV + +A CHAT WITH XANTHIPPE + + + + +The machine stopped its clicking the moment I spoke, and the +words, "Hullo, old chap!" were no sooner uttered than my face +grew red as a carnation pink. I felt as if I had committed +some dreadful faux-pas, and instead of gazing steadfastly into +the vacant chair, as I had been wont to do in my conversation +with Boswell, my eyes fell, as though the invisible occupant +of the chair were regarding me with a look of indignant scorn. + +"I beg your pardon," I said. + +"I should think you might," returned the types. "Hullo, old +chap!" is no way to address a woman you've never had the honor +of meeting, even if she is of the most advanced sort. No amount +of newness in a woman gives a man the right to be disrespectful +to her." + +"I didn't know," I explained. "Really, miss, I--" + +"Madame," interrupted the machine, "not miss. I am +a married woman, sir, which makes of your rudeness an +even more reprehensible act. It is well enough to affect a +good-fellowship with young unmarried females, but when you +attempt to be flippant with a married woman--" + +"But I didn't know, I tell you," I appealed. "How should I? I +supposed it was Boswell I was talking to, and he and I have +become very good friends." + +"Humph!" said the machine. "You're a chum of Boswell's, eh?" + +"Well, not exactly a chum, but--" I began. + +"But you go with him?" interrupted the lady. + +"To an extent, yes," I confessed. + +"And does he GO with you?" was the query. "If he does, permit +me to depart at once. I should not feel quite in my element +in a house where the editor of a Sunday newspaper was an +attractive guest. If you like that sort of thing, your tastes--" + +"I do not, madame," I replied, quickly. "I prefer the opium +habit to the Sunday-newspaper habit, and if I thought Boswell +was merely a purveyor of what is known as Sunday literature, +which depends on the goodness of the day to offset its +shortcomings, I should forbid him the house." + +A distinct sigh of relief emanated from the chair. + +"Then I may remain," was the remark rapidly clicked off on +the machine. + +"I am glad," said I. "And may I ask whom I have the honor +of addressing?" + +"Certainly," was the immediate response. "My name is Socrates, +nee Xanthippe." + +I instinctively cowered. Candidly, I was afraid. Never in my +life before had I met a woman whom I feared. Never in my life +have I wavered in the presence of the sex which cheers, but I +have always felt that while I could hold my own with Elizabeth, +withstand the wiles of Cleopatra, and manage the recalcitrant +Katherine even as did Petruchio, Xanthippe was another story +altogether, and I wished I had gone to the club. My first +impulse was to call up-stairs to my wife and have her come +down. She knows how to handle the new woman far better than I +do. She has never wanted to vote, and my collars are safe in +her hands. She has frequently observed that while she had many +things to be thankful for, her greatest blessing was that she +was born a woman and not a man, and the new women of her native +town never leave her presence without wondering in their own +minds whether or not they are mere humorous contributions of +the Almighty to a too serious world. I pulled myself together +as best I could, and feeling that my better-half would perhaps +decline the proffered invitation to meet with one of the most +illustrious of her sex, I decided to fight my own battle. So +I merely said: + +"Really? How delightful! I have always felt that I should like +to meet you, and here is one of my devoutest wishes gratified." + +I felt cheap after the remark, for Mrs. Socrates, nee Xanthippe, +covered five sheets of paper with laughter, with an occasional +bracketing of the word "derisively," such as we find in the +daily newspapers interspersed throughout the after-dinner +speeches of a candidate of another party. Finally, to my +relief, the oft-repeated "Ha-ha-ha!" ceased, and the line, +"I never should have guessed it," closed her immediate +contribution to our interchange of ideas. + +"May I ask why you laugh?" I observed, when she had at length +finished. + +"Certainly," she replied. "Far be it from me to dispute the +right of a man to ask any question he sees fit to ask. Is he +not the lord of creation? Is not woman his abject slave? I +not the whole difference between them purely economic? Is it +not the law of supply and demand that rules them both, he by +nature demanding and she supplying?" + +Dear reader, did you ever encounter a machine, man-made, +merely a mechanism of ivory, iron, and ink, that could sniff +contemptuously? I never did before this encounter, but the +infernal power of either this type-writer or this woman who +manipulated its keys imparted to the atmosphere I was breathing +a sniffing contemptuousness which I have never experienced +anywhere outside of a London hotel, and then only when I +ventured, as few Americans have dared, to complain of the ducal +personage who presided over the dining-room, but who, I must +confess, was conquered subsequently by a tip of ten shillings. + +At any rate, there was a sniff of contempt imparted, as I have +said, to the atmosphere I was breathing as Xanthippe answered +my question, and the sniff saved me, just as it did in the +London hotel, when I complained of the lordly lack of manners +on the part of the head waiter. I asserted my independence. + +"Don't trouble yourself," I put in. "Of course I shall +be interested in anything you may choose to say, but as a +gentleman I do not care to put a woman to any inconvenience +and I do not press the question." + +And then I tried to crush her by adding, "What a lovely day we +have had," as if any subject other than the most commonplace +was not demanded by the situation. + +"If you contemplate discussing the weather," was the +retort, "I wish you would kindly seek out some one else +with whom to do it. I am not one of your latter-day +sit-out-on-the-stairs-while-the-others-dance girls. I am, +as I have always been, an ardent admirer of principles, of +great problems. For small talk I have no use." + +"Very well, madame--" I began. + +"You asked me a moment ago why I laughed," clicked the machine. + +"I know it," said I. "But I withdraw the question. There is no +great principle involved in a woman's laughter. I have known +women who have laughed at a broken heart, as well as at jokes, +which shows that there is no principle involved there; and as +a problem, I have never cared enough about why women laugh +to inquire deeply into it. If she'll just consent to laugh, +I'm satisfied without inquiring into the causes thereof. Let +us get down to an agreeable basis for yourself. What problem do +you wish to discuss? Servants, baby-food, floor-polish, or the +number of godets proper to the skirt of a well-dressed woman?" + +I was regaining confidence in myself, and as I talked I ceased +to fear her. Thought I to myself, "This attitude of supreme +patronage is man's safest weapon against a woman. Keep cool, +assume that there is no doubt of your superiority, and that she +knows it. Appear to patronize her, and her own indignation will +defeat her ends." It is a good principle generally. Among mortal +women I have never known it to fail, and when I find myself +worsted in an argument with one of man's greatest blessings, +I always fall back upon it and am saved the ignominy of +defeat. But this time I counted without my antagonist. + +"Will you repeat that list of problems?" she asked, coldly. + +"Servants, baby-food, floor-polish, and godets," I repeated, +somewhat sheepishly, she took it so coolly. + +"Very well," said Xanthippe, with a note of amusement in her +manipulation of the keys. "If those are your subjects, let us +discuss them. I am surprised to find an able-bodied man like +yourself bothering with such problems, but I'll help you out +of your difficulties if I can. No needy man shall ever say +that I ignored his cry for help. What do you want to know +about baby-food?" + +This turning of the tables nonplussed me, and I didn't really +know what to say, and so wisely said nothing, and the machine +grew sharp in its clicking. + +"You men!" it cried. "You don't know how fearfully shallow +you are. I can see through you in a minute." + +"Well," I said, modestly, "I suppose you can." Then calling +my feeble wit to my rescue, I added, "It's only natural, +since I've made a spectacle of myself." + +"Not you!" cried Xanthippe. "You haven't even made a monocle +of yourself." + +And here we both laughed, and the ice was broken. + +"What has become of Boswell?" I asked. + +"He's been sent to the ovens for ten days for libelling +Shakespeare and Adam and Noah and old Jonah," replied +Xanthippe. "He printed an article alleged to have been written +by Baron Munchausen, in which those four gentlemen were held +up to ridicule and libelled grossly." + +"And Munchausen?" I cried. + +"Oh, the Baron got out of it by confessing that he wrote the +article," replied the lady. "And as he swore to his confession +the jury were convinced he was telling another one of his +lies and acquitted him, so Boswell was sent up alone. That's +why I am here. There isn't a man in all Hades that dared take +charge of Boswell's paper--they're all so deadly afraid of +the government, so I stepped in, and while Boswell is baking +I'm attending to his editorial duties." + +"But you spoke contemptuously of the Sunday newspapers awhile +ago, Mrs. Socrates," said I. + +"I know that," said Xanthippe, "but I've fixed that. I get +out the Sunday edition on Saturdays." + +"Oh--I see. And you like it?" I queried. + +"First rate," she replied. "I'm in love with the work. I +almost wish poor old Bos had been sentenced for ten years. I +have enough of the woman in me to love minding other people's +business, and, as far as I can find out, that's about all +journalism amounts to. Sewing societies aren't to be mentioned +in the same day with a newspaper for scandal and gossip, and, +besides, I'm an ardent advocate of men's rights--have been for +centuries--and I've got my first chance now to promulgate a few +of my ideas. I'm really a man in all my views of life--that's +the inevitable end of an advanced woman who persists in +following her 'newness' to its logical conclusion. Her habits +of thought gradually come to be those of a man. Even I have a +great deal more sympathy with Socrates than I used to have. I +used to think I was the one that should be emancipated, but +I'm really reaching that stage in my manhood where I begin to +believe that he needs emancipation." + +"Then you admit, do you," I cried, with great glee, "that this +new-woman business is all Tommy-rot?" + +"Not by a great deal," snapped the machine. "Far from it. It's +the salvation of the happy life. It is perfectly logical to +say that the more manny a woman becomes, the more she is likely +to sympathize with the troubles and trials which beset men." + +I scratched my head and pulled the lobe of my ear in the +hope of loosening an argument to confront her with, not that I +disagreed with her entirely, but because I instinctively desired +to oppose her as pleasantly disagreeably as I could. But the +result was nil. + +"I'm afraid you are right," I said. + +"You're a truthful man," clicked the machine, laughingly. "You +are afraid I'm right. And why are you afraid? Because you are +one of those men who take a cynical view of woman. You want +woman to be a mere lump of sugar, content to be left in a bowl +until it pleases you in your high-and-mightiness to take her +in the tongs and drop her into the coffee of your existence, +to sweeten what would otherwise not please your taste--and +like most men you prefer two or three lumps to one." + +I could only cough. The lady was more or less right. I am very +fond of sugar, though one lump is my allowance, and I never +exceed it, whatever the temptation. Xanthippe continued. + +"You criticise her because she doesn't understand you and your +needs, forgetting that out of twenty-four hours of your daily +existence your wife enjoys personally about twelve hours of your +society, during eight of which you are lying flat on your back, +snoring as though your life depended on it; but when she asks +to be allowed to share your responsibilities as well as what, +in her poor little soul, she thinks are your joys, you flare +up and call her 'new' and 'advanced,' as if advancement were +a crime. You ride off on your wheel for forty miles on your +days of rest, and she is glad to have you do it, but when she +wants a bicycle to ride, you think it's all wrong, immoral, +and conducive to a weak heart. Bah!" + +"I--ah--" I began. + +"Yes you do," she interrupted. "You ah and you hem and you haw, +but in the end you're a poor miserable social mugwump, conscious +of your own magnificence and virtue, but nobody else ever can +attain to your lofty plane. Now what I want to see among women +is more good fellows. Suppose you regarded your wife as good +a fellow as you think your friend Jones. Do you think you'd +be running off to the club every night to play billiards with +Jones, leaving your wife to enjoy her own society?" + +"Perhaps not," I replied, "but that's just the point. My wife +isn't a good fellow." + +"Exactly, and for that reason you seek out Jones. You have +a right to the companionship of the good fellow--that's what +I'm going to advocate. I've advanced far enough to see that on +the average in the present state of woman she is not a suitable +companion for man--she has none of the qualities of a chum to +which he is entitled. I'm not so blind but that I can see the +faults of my own sex, particularly now that I have become so +very masculine myself. Both sexes should have their rights, +and that is the great policy I'm going to hammer at as long +as I have Boswell's paper in charge. I wish you might see my +editorial page for to-morrow; it is simply fine. I urge upon +woman the necessity of joining in with her husband in all +his pleasures whether she enjoys them or not. When he lights +a cigar, let her do the same; when he calls for a cocktail, +let her call for another. In time she will begin to understand +him. He understands her pleasures, and often he joins in with +them--opera, dances, lectures; she ought to do the same, +and join in with him in his pleasures, and after a while +they'll get upon a common basis, have their clubs together, +and when that happy time comes, when either one goes out the +other will also go, and their companionship will be perfect." + +"But you objected to my calling you old chap when we first met," +said I. "Is that quite consistent?" + +"Of course," retorted the lady. "We had never met before, and, +besides, doctors do not always take their own medicine." + +"But that women ought to become good fellows is what you're +going to advocate, eh?" said I. + +"Yes," replied Xanthippe. "It's excellent, don't you think?" + +"Superb," I answered, "for Hades. It's just my idea of how +things ought to be in Hades. I think, however, that we mortals +will stick to the old plan for a little while yet; most of us +prefer to marry wives rather than old chaps." + +The remark seemed so to affect my visitor that I suddenly +became conscious of a sense of loneliness. + +"I don't wish to offend you," I said, "but I rather like to +keep the two separate. Aren't you man enough yet to see the +value of variety?" + +But there was no answer. The lady had gone. It was evident +that she considered me unworthy of further attention. + + + + +V + +THE EDITING OF XANTHIPPE + + + + +After my interview with Xanthippe, I hesitated to approach the +type-writer for a week or two. It did a great deal of clicking +after the midnight hour had struck, and I was consumed with +curiosity to know what was going on, but I did not wish to meet +Mrs. Socrates again, so I held aloof until Boswell should have +served his sentence. I was no longer afraid of the woman, but I +do fear the good fellow of the weaker sex, and I deemed it just +as well to keep out of any and all disputes that might arise +from a casual conversation with a creature of that sort. An +agreement with a real good fellow, even when it ends in a row, +is more or less diverting; but a disputation with a female +good fellow places a man at a disadvantage. The argumentum ad +hominem is not an easy thing with men, but with women it is +impossible. Hence, I let the type-writer click and ring for +a fortnight. + +Finally, to my relief, I recognized Boswell's touch upon the +keys and sauntered up to the side of the machine. + +"Is this Boswell--Jim Boswell?" I inquired. + +"All that's left of him," was the answer. "How have you been?" + +"Very well," said I. And then it seemed to me that tact +required that I should not seem to know that he had been in +the superheated jail of the Stygian country. So I observed, +"You've been off on a vacation, eh?" + +"How do you know that?" was the immediate response. + +"Well," I put in, "you've been absent for a fortnight, and +you look more or less--ah--burned." + +"Yes, I am," replied the deceitful editor. "Very much burned, +in fact. I've been--er--I've been playing golf with a friend +down in Cimmeria." + +"I envy you," I observed, with an inward chuckle. + +"You wouldn't if you knew the links," replied Boswell, +sadly. "They're awfully hard. I don't know any harder course +than the Cimmerian." + +And then I became conscious of a mistrustful gaze fastened +upon me. + +"See here," clicked the machine. "I thought I was invisible +to you? If so, how do you know I look burned?" + +I was cornered, and there was only one way out of it, and that +was by telling the truth. "Well, you are invisible, old chap," +I said. "The fact is, I've been told of your trouble, and I +know what you have undergone." + +"And who told you?" queried Boswell. + +"Your successor on the Gazette, Madame Socrates, nee Xanthippe," +I replied. + +"Oh, that woman--that woman!" moaned Boswell, through the +medium of the keys. "Has she been here, using this machine +too? Why didn't you stop her before she ruined me completely?" + +"Ruined you?" I cried. + +"Well, next thing to it," replied Boswell. "She's run my paper +so far into the ground that it will take an almighty powerful +grip to pull it out again. Why, my dear boy, when I went to--to +the ovens, I had a circulation of a million, and when I came +back that woman had brought it down to eight copies, seven of +which have already been returned. All in ten days, too." + +"How do you account for it?" I asked. + +"'Side Talks with Men' helped, and 'The Man's Corner' did +a little, but the editorial page did the most of it. It was +given over wholly to the advancement of certain Xanthippian +ideas, which were very offensive to my women readers, and +which found no favor among the men. She wants to change the +whole social structure. She thinks men and women are the same +kind of animal, and that both need to be educated on precisely +the same lines--the girls to be taught business, the boys +to go through a course of domestic training. She called for +subscriptions for a cooking-school for boys, and demanded the +endowment of a commercial college for girls, and wound up by +insisting upon a uniform dress for both sexes. I tell you, +if you'd worked for years to establish a dignified newspaper +the way I have, it would have broken your heart to see the +suggested fashion-plates that woman printed. The uniform dress +was a holy terror. It was a combination of all the worst +features of modern garb. Trousers were to be universal and +compulsory; sensible masculine coats were discarded entirely, +and puffed-sleeved dress-coats were substituted. Stiff collars +were abolished in favor of ribbons, and rosettes cropped up +everywhere. Imagine it if you can--and everybody in all Hades +was to be forced into garments of that sort!" + +"I should enjoy seeing it," I said. + +"Possibly--but you wouldn't enjoy wearing it," retorted +the machine. "And then that woman's funny column--it was +frightful. You never saw such jokes in your life; every one +of them contained a covert attack upon man. There was only +one good thing in it, and that was a bit of verse called +'Fair Play for the Little Girls.' It went like this: + + "'If little boys, when they are young, + Can go about in skirts, + And wear upon their little backs + Small broidered girlish shirts, + Pray why cannot the little girls, + When infants, have a chance + To toddle on their little ways + In little pairs of pants?'" + + +"That isn't at all bad," said I, smiling in spite of poor +Boswell's woe. "If the rest of the paper was on a par with +that I don't see why the circulation fell off." + +"Well, she took liberties, that's all," said Boswell. "For +instance, in her 'Side Talks with Men' she had something +like this: 'Napoleon--It is rather difficult to say just +what you can do with your last season's cocked-hat. If you +were to purchase five yards of one-inch blue ribbon, cut it +into three strips of equal length, and fasten one end to each +of the three corners of the hat, tying the other ends into a +choux, it would make a very acceptable work-basket to send to +your grandmother at Christmas.' Now Napoleon never asked that +woman for advice on the subject. Then there was an answer to +a purely fictitious inquiry from Solomon which read: 'It all +depends on local custom. In Salt Lake City, and in London at +the time of Henry the Eighth, it was not considered necessary +to be off with the old love before being on with the new, but +latterly the growth of monopolistic ideas tends towards the +uniform rate of one at a time.' A purely gratuitous fling, that +was, at one of my most eminent patrons, or rather two of them, +for latterly both Solomon and Henry the Eighth have yielded to +the tendency of the times and gone into business, which they +have paid me well to advertise. Solomon has established an +'Information Bureau,' where advice can always be had from the +'Wise-man,' as he calls himself, on payment of a small fee; +while Henry, taking advantage of his superior equipment over +any English king that ever lived, has founded and liberally +advertised his 'Chaperon Company (Limited).' It's a great +thing even in Hades for young people to be chaperoned by an +English queen, and Henry has been smart enough to see it, and +having seven or eight queens, all in good standing, he has been +doing a great business. Just look at it from a business point +of view. There are seven nights in every week, and something +going on somewhere all the time, and queens in demand. With a +queen quoted so low as $100 a night, Henry can make nearly $5000 +a week, or $260,000 a year, out of evening chaperonage alone; +and when, in addition to this, yachting-parties up the Styx and +slumming-parties throughout the country are being constantly +given, the man's opportunity to make half a million a year is +in plain sight. I'm told that he netted over $500,000 last +year; and of course he had to advertise to get it, and this +Xanthippe woman goes out of her way to get in a nasty little +fling at one of my mainstays for his matrimonial propensities." + +"Failing utterly to see," said I, "that, in marrying so many +times, Henry really paid a compliment to her sex which is +without parallel in royal circles." + +"Well, nearly so," said Boswell. "There have been other kings +who were quite as complimentary to the ladies, but Henry was +the only man among them who insisted on marrying them all." + +"True," said I. "Henry was eminently proper--but then he had +to be." + +"Yes," said Boswell, with a meditative tap on the letter +Y. "Yes--he had to be. He was the head of the Church, +you know." + +"I know it," I put in. "I've always had a great deal of sympathy +for Henry. He has been very much misjudged by posterity. He +was the father of the really first new woman, Elizabeth, +and his other daughter, Mary, was such a vindictive person." + +"You are a very fair man, for an American," said Boswell. "Not +only fair, but rare. You think about things." + +"I try to," said I, modestly. "And I've really thought a great +deal about Henry, and I've truly seen a valid reason for his +continuous matrimonial performances. He set himself up against +the Pope, and he had to be consistent in his antagonism." + +"He did, indeed," said Boswell. "A religious discussion is a +hard one." + +"And Henry was consistent in his opposition," said I. "He +didn't yield a jot on any point, and while a great many +people criticise him on the score of his wives--particularly +on their number--I feel that I have in very truth discovered +his principle." + +"Which was?" queried Boswell. + +"That the Pope was wrong in all things," said I. + +"So he said," commented Boswell. + +"And being wrong in all things, celibacy was wrong," said I. + +"Exactly," ejaculated Boswell. + +"Well, then," said I, "if celibacy is wrong, the surest way +to protest against it is to marry as many times as you can." + +"By Jove!" said Boswell, tapping the keys yearningly, as +though he wished he might spare his hand to shake mine, +"you are a man after my own heart." + +"Thanks, old chap," said I, reaching out my hand and shaking +it in the air with my visionary friend--"thanks. I've studied +these things with some care, and I've tried to find a reason for +everything in life as I know it. I have always regarded Henry as +a moral man--as is natural, since in spite of all you can say +he is the real head of the English Church. He wasn't willing +to be married a second or a seventh time unless he was really +a widower. He wasn't as long in taking notice again as some +modern widowers that I have met, but I do not criticise him on +that score. I merely attribute his record to his kingly nature, +which involves necessarily a quickness of decision and a decided +perception of the necessities which is sadly lacking in people +who are born to a lesser station in life. England demanded a +queen, and he invariably met the demand, which shows that he +knew something of political economy as well as of matrimony; and +as I see it, being an American, a man needs to know something of +political economy to be a good ruler. So many of our statesmen +have acquired a merely kindergarten knowledge of the science, +that we have had many object-lessons of the disadvantages of +a merely elementary knowledge of the subject. To come right +down to it, I am a great admirer of Henry. At any rate, he +had the courage of his heart-convictions." + +"You really surprise me," tapped Boswell. "I never expected +to find an American so thoroughly in sympathy with kings and +their needs." + +"Oh, as for that," said I, "in America we are all kings and we +are not without our needs, matrimonial and otherwise, only our +courts are not quite so expeditious as Henry's little axe. But +what was Henry's attitude towards this extraordinary flight +of Xanthippe's?" + +"Wrath," said Boswell. "He was very much enraged, and withdrew +his advertisements, declined to give our society reporters +the usual accounts of the functions his wives chaperoned, +and, worst of all, has withdrawn himself and induced others +to withdraw from the symposium I was preparing for my special +Summer Girls' issue, which is to appear in August, on 'How +Men Propose.' He and Brigham Young and Solomon and Bonaparte +had agreed to dictate graphic accounts of how they had done +it on various occasions, and Queen Elizabeth, who probably +had more proposals to the square minute that any other woman +on record, was to write the introduction. This little plan, +which was really the idea of genius, is entirely shattered by +Mrs. Socrates's infernal interference." + +"Nonsense," said I. "Don't despair. Why don't you come out +with a plain statement of the facts? Apologize." + +"You forget, my dear sir," interposed Boswell, "that one of +the fundamental principles of Hades as an institution is that +excuses don't count. It isn't a place for repentance so much +as for expiation, and I might apologize nine times a minute +for forty years and would still have to suffer the penalty +of the offence. No, there is nothing to be done but to begin +my newspaper work again, build up again the institution that +Xanthippe has destroyed, and bear my misfortunes like a true +spirit." + +"Spoken like a philosopher!" I cried. "And if I can help you, +my dear Boswell, count upon me. In anything you may do, whether +you start a monthly magazine, a sporting weekly, or a purely +American Sunday newspaper, you are welcome to anything I can +do for you." + +"You are very kind," returned Boswell, appreciatively, "and if I +need your services I shall be glad to avail myself of them. Just +at present, however, my plans are so fully prepared that I do +not think I shall have to call upon you. With Sherlock Holmes +engaged to write twelve new detective stories; Poe to look +after my tales of horror; D'Artagnan dictating his personal +memoirs; Lucretia Borgia running my Girls' Department; and +others too numerous to mention, I have a sufficient supply of +stuff to fill up; but if you feel like writing a few poems for +me I may be able to use them as fillers, and they may help to +make your name so well known in Hades that next year I shall +be able to print a Worldly Letter from you every week with a +good chance of its proving popular." + +And with this promise Boswell left me to get out the first +number of The Cimmerian: a Sunday Magazine for all. Taking +him at his word, I sent him the following poem a few days later: + + + LOCALITY + + Whither do we drift, + Insensate souls, whose every breath + Foretells the doom of nothingness? + Yet onward, upward let it be + Through all the myriad circles + Of the ensuing years-- + And then, pray what? + Alas! 'tis all, and never shall be stated. + Atoms, yet atomless we drift, + But whitherward? + + +I had intended this for one of our leading magazines, but it +seemed so to lack the mystical quality, which is essential +to a successful magazine poem in our sphere, that I deemed it +best to try it on Boswell. + + + + +VI + +THE BOSWELL TOURS: PERSONALLY CONDUCTED + + + + +It was and will no doubt be considered, even by those who +are not too friendly towards myself, a daring idea, and it +was all my own. One night, several weeks after the interview +with Boswell just narrated, the idea came to me simultaneously +with the first tapping of the keys for the evening upon the +Enchanted Type-Writer. It was Boswell's touch that summoned +me from my divan. My family were on the eve of departure for +a month's rest from care and play in the mountains, and I was +looking forward to a period of very great loneliness. But as +Boswell materialized and began his work upon the machine, the +great idea flashed across my mind, and I resolved to "play it" +for all it was worth. + +"Jim," said I, as I approached the vacant chair in which he +sat--for by this time the great biographer and I had got upon +terms of familiarity--"Jim," said I, "I've got a very gloomy +prospect ahead of me." + +"Well, why not?" he tapped off. "Where do you expect to have +your gloomy prospects? They can't very well be behind you." + +"Humph!" said I. "You are facetious this evening." + +"Not at all," he replied. "I have been spending the day with +my old-time boss, Samuel Johnson, and I am so saturated with +purism that I hardly know where I am. From the Johnsonian +point of view you have expressed yourself ill--" + +"Well, I am ill," I retorted. "I don't know how far you are +acquainted with home life, but I do know that there is no +greater homesickness in the world than that of the man who is +sick of home." + +"I am not an imitator," said Boswell, "but I must imitate you +to the extent of saying humph! I quote you, and, doing so, +I honor you. But really, I never thought you could be sick +of home, as you put it--you who are so happy at home and who +so wildly hate being away from home." + +"I'm not surprised at that, my dear Boswell," said I. "But +you are, of course, familiar with the phrase 'Stone walls do +not a prison make?'" + +"I've heard it," said Boswell. + +"Well, there's another equally valid phrase which I have not +yet heard expressed by another, and it is this: 'Stone walls +do not a home make.'" + +"It isn't very musical, is it?" said he. + +"Not very," I answered, "but we don't all live magazine lives, +do we? We have occasionally a sentiment, a feeling, out of +which we do not try 'to make copy.' It is undoubtedly a truth +which I have not yet seen voiced by any modern poet of my +acquaintance, not even by the dead-baby poets, that home is +not always preferable to some other things. At any rate, it is +my feeling, and is shortly to represent my condition. My home, +you know. It has its walls and its pictures, and its thousand +and one comforts, and its associations, but when my wife and +my children are away, and the four walls do not re-echo the +voices of the children, and my library lacks the presence of +madame, it ceases truly to be home, and if I've got to stay +here during the month of August alone I must have diversion, +else I shall find myself as badly off as the butterfly man, +to whom a vaudeville exhibition is the greatest joy in life." + +"I think you are queer," said Boswell. + +"Well, I am not," said I. "However low we may set the standard +of man, Mr. B."--and I called him Mr. B. instead of Jim, because +I wished to be severe and yet retain the basis of familiarity-- +"however low we may set the standard of man, I think man as a +rule prefers his home to the most seductive roof-garden life +in existence." + +"Wherefore?" said he, coldly. + +"Wherefore my home about to become unattractive through +the absence of my boys and their mother, I shall need some +extraordinary diversion to accomplish my happiness. Now if you +can come here, why can't others? Suppose to-night you dash off +on the machine a lot of invitations to the pleasantest people +in Hades to come up here with you and have an evening on earth, +which isn't all bad." + +"It's a scheme and a half," said Boswell, with more enthusiasm +than I had expected. "I'll do it, only instead of trying to +get these people to make a pilgrimage to your shrine, which +I think they would decline to do--Shakespeare, for instance, +wouldn't give a tuppence to inspect your birthplace as you have +inspected his--I'll institute a series of 'Boswell's Personally +Conducted Pleasure Parties,' and make you my agent here. That, +you see, will naturally make your home our headquarters, and +I think the scheme would work a charm, because there are a +great many well-known Stygians who are curious to revisit the +scenes of their earlier state, but who are timid about coming +on their own responsibility." + +"I see," said I. "Immortals are but mortal after all, with +all the timidity and weaknesses of mortality. But I agree to +the proposition, and if you wish it I'll prepare to give them +a rousing old time." + +"And be sure to show them something characteristic," said +Boswell. + +"I will," I replied; "I may even get up a trolley-party +for them." + +"I don't know what a trolley-party is, but it sounds well," said +Boswell, "and I'll advertise the enterprise at once. 'Boswell's +Personally Conducted Pleasure Parties. First Series, No. 1. +Trolleying Through Hoboken. For the Round Trip, Four Dollars. +Supper and All Expenses Included. No Tips. Extra Lady's Ticket, +One Dollar.'" + +"Hold on!" I cried. "That can't be. These affairs will really +have to be stag-parties--with my wife away, you know." + +"Not if we secure a suitable chaperon," said Boswell. + +"Anyhow!" said I, with great positiveness. "You don't suppose +that in the absence of my family I'm going to have my neighbors +see me cavorting about the country on a trolley-car full of +queens and duchesses and other females of all ages? Not a bit +of it, my dear James. I'm not a strictly conventional person, +but there are some points between which I draw lines. I've +got to live on this earth for a little while yet, and until +I leave it I must be guided more or less in what I do by what +the world approves or disapproves." + +"Very well," Boswell answered. "I suppose you are right, +but in the autumn, when your family has returned--" + +"We can discuss the matter again," said I, resolved to put +off the question for as long a time as I could, for I candidly +confess that I had no wish to make myself responsible for the +welfare of such Stygian ladies as might avail themselves of +the opportunity to go off on one of Boswell's tours. "Show +the value and beauties of your plan to the influential men +of Hades first, my dear Boswell," I added, "and then if they +choose they can come again and bring their wives with them on +their own responsibility." + +"I fancy that is the best plan, but we ought to have some +variety in these tours," he replied. "A trolley-party, however +successful, would not make a great season for an entertainment +bureau, would it?" + +"No, indeed," said I. "You are perfectly right about that. What +you want is one function a week during the summer season. Open +with the trolley-party as No. 1 of your first series. Follow +this with 'An Evening of Vaudeville: The Grand Tour of the +Roof Gardens.' After that have a 'Sunday at the Sea-side--Surf +Bathing, Summer Girls and Sand.' That would make a mighty +attractive line for your advertisement." + +"Magnificent. I don't see why you don't give up poetry and +magazine work and get a position as poster-writer for a circus. +You are only a mediocre magazinist, but in the poster business +you'd be a genius." + +This was tapped off with such manifest sincerity that I could +not take offence, so I thanked him and resumed. + +"The grand finale of your first series might be 'A Tandem +Scorch: A Century Run on a Bicycle Built for Two Hundred!'" + +"Magnificent!" cried Boswell, with such enthusiasm that +I feared he would smash the machine. "I'll devote a whole +page of my Sunday issue to the prospectus--but, to return +to the woman question, we ought really to have something to +announce for them. Hades hath no fury like a woman scorned, +and I can't afford to scorn the sex. You needn't have anything +to do with them if you don't want to--only tell me something +I can announce, and I'll make Henry the Eighth solid again by +putting that branch of the enterprise in his wives' hands. In +that way I'll kill two birds with one stone." + +"That's all very well, Boswell, but I'm afraid I can't," +said I. "It's hard enough to know how to please a mortal +woman without attempting to get up a series of picnics for the +rather miscellaneous assortment of ladies who form your social +structure below. All men are alike, and man's pleasures in all +times have been generally the same, but every woman is unique. I +never knew two who were alike, and if it's all the same to you +I'd rather you left me out of your ladies' tours altogether. Of +course I know that even the Queen of Sheba would enjoy a visit +to a Monday sale at one of our big department stores, and I +am quite as well aware that nine out of ten women in Hades or +out of it would enjoy the millinery exhibition at the opera +matinee--and if these two ideas impress you at all you are +welcome to them--but beyond this I have nothing to suggest." + +"Well, I'm sure those two ideas are worth a great deal," +returned Boswell, making a note of them; "I shall announce +four trips to Monday sales--" + +"Call 'em 'To Bargaindale and Back: The Great Marked-down Tour,' +and be sure you add, 'For Able-bodied Women Only. No Tickets +Issued Except on Recommendation of your Family Physician.' This +is especially important, for next to a war or a football match +there's nothing that I know of that is quite so dangerous to +the participants as a bargain day." + +"I'll bear what you say in mind," quoth Boswell, and he made +a note of my injunction. "And immediately upon my return to +Hades I will request an audience with Henry's queens, and +ask them to devise a number of other tours likely to prove +profitable and popular." + +Shortly after my visitor departed and I retired. The next day my +family deserted me and went to the mountains, and all my fears +as to the inordinate sense of loneliness which was to be my lot +were realized. Even Boswell neglected me apparently for a week. +I went to my desk daily and returned at night hoping that +my type-writer would bring forth something of an interesting +nature, but naught other than disappointment awaited me. For +a whole blessed week I was thrown back upon the society of my +neighbors for diversion. The type-writer gave no sign of being. + +Little did I guess that Boswell was busy working up my scheme +in his Stygian home! + +But it came to pass finally that I was roused up. Walking +one morning to my desk to find a bit of memoranda I needed, I +discovered a type-written slip marked, "No time for small talk. +Boswell's tours grand success. Trolley-party to-night. Ten +cars wanted. Jim." + +It was a large order for a town like mine, where forty +thousand people have to get along with five cars--two open +ones for winter and two closed for summer, and one, which we +have never seen, which is kept for use in the repair-shop. I +was in despair. Ten car-loads of immortals coming to my house +for a trolley-party under such conditions! It was frightful! I +did the best I could, however. + +I ordered one trolley-car to be ready at eight, and a large +variety of good things edible and drinkable, the latter to be +held subject to the demand-notes of our guests. + +As may be imagined, I did little real work that day, and when +I returned home at night I was on tenter-hooks lest something +should go wrong; but fortunately Boswell himself came early +and relieved me of my worry--in fact, he was at the machine +when I entered the house. + +"Well," he said, "have you the ten cars?" + +"What do you take me for," said I, "a trolley-car trust? Of +course I haven't. There are only five cars in town, one of +which is kept in the repair-shop for effect. I've hired one." + +"Humph!" he cried. "What will the kings do?" + +"Kings!" I cried. "What kings?" + +"I have nine kings and one car-load of common souls besides +for this affair," he explained. "Each king wants a special car." + +"Kings be jiggered!" said I. "A trolley-party, my much beloved +James, is an essentially democratic institution, and private +cars are not de rigueur. If your kings choose to come, let +'em hang on by the straps." + +"But I've charged 'em extra!" cried Boswell. + +"That's all right," said I, "they receive extra. They have the +ride plus the straps, with the privilege of standing out on +the platform and ringing the gong if they want to. The great +thing about the trolley-party is that there's no private car +business about it." + +"Well, I don't know," Boswell murmured, reflectively. "If +Charles the First and Louis Fourteenth don't kick about +being crowded in with all the rest, I can stand anything that +Frederick the Great or Nero might say; but those two fellows +are great sticklers for the royal prerogative." + +"There isn't any such thing as royal prerogative on a +trolley-car," I retorted, "and if they don't like what they +get they can sit down in the waiting-room and wait until we +get back." + +But Boswell's fears were not realized. Charles and Louis were +perfectly delighted with the trolley-party, and long before +we reached home the former had rung up the fare-register to +its full capacity, while the latter, a half-a-dozen times, +delightedly occupied himself in mastering the intricacies of the +overhead wire. The trolley-party was an undoubted success. The +same remains to be said of the vaudeville expedition of the +following week. The same guests and potentates attended this, +to the number of twenty, and the Boswell tours were accounted +a great enterprise, and bade fair to redeem the losses of the +eminent journalist incurred during Xanthippe's administration +of his affairs; but after the bicycle night I had to withdraw +from the combination to save my reputation. The fact upon +which I had not counted was that my neighbors began to think +me insane. I had failed to remember that none of these visiting +spirits was visible to us in this material world, and while my +fellow-townsmen were disposed to lay up my hiring of a special +trolley-car for my own private and particular use against +the eccentricity of genius, they marvelled greatly that I +should purchase twenty of the best seats at a vaudeville show +seemingly for my own exclusive use. When, besides this, they saw +me start off apparently alone on one tandem bicycle, followed +by twenty-eight other empty wheels, which they could not know +were manipulated by some of the most famous legs in the history +of the world, from Noah's down to those of Henry Fielding the +novelist, they began to regard me as something uncanny. + +Nor can I blame them. It seems to me that if I saw one man +scorching along a road alone on a tandem bicycle chatting to an +empty front-seat, I should think him queer, but if following in +his wake I perceived twenty-eight other wheels, scorching up +hill and down dale without any visible motive power, I should +regard him as one who was in league with the devil himself. + +Nevertheless, I judge from what Boswell has told me that I am +regarded in Hades as a great benefactor of the people there, +for having established a series of excursions from that world +into this, a service which has done much to convince the +Stygians that after all, if only by contrast, the life below +has its redeeming features. + + + + +VII + +AN IMPORTANT DECISION + + + + +For some time after the organization of the Pleasure Tours, +the Enchanted Type-Writer appeared to be deserted. Night after +night I watched over it with great care lest I should lose +any item of interest that might come to me from below, but, +much to my sorrow, things in Hades appeared to be dull--so +dull that the machine was not called into requisition at all. I +little guessed what important matters were transpiring in that +wonderful country. Had I done so, I doubt I should have waited +so patiently, although my only method of getting there was +suicide, for which diversion I have very little liking. On the +twenty-fourth night of waiting, however, the welcome sound of +the bell dragged me forth from my comfortable couch, whither, +expecting nothing, I had retired early. + +"Glad to hear your pleasant tinkle again," I said. "I've +missed you." + +"I'm glad to get back," returned Boswell, for it was he who was +manipulating the keys. "I've been so infernally busy, however, +over the court news, that I haven't had a minute to spare." + +"Court news, eh?" I said. "You are going to open up a society +column, are you?" + +"Not I," he replied. "It's the other kind of a court. We've +been having some pretty hot litigation down in Hades since I +was here last. The city of Cimmeria has been suing the State +of Hades for ten years back dog-taxes." + +"For what?" I cried. + +"Unpaid dog-taxes for ten years," Boswell explained. "We have +just as much government below in our cities as you have, and +I will say for Hades that our cities are better run than yours." + +"I suppose that is due to the fact that when a man gets to +Hades he immediately becomes a reformer," I suggested, with +a wink at the machine, which somehow or other did not seem to +appreciate the joke. + +"Possibly," observed Boswell. "Whatever the reason, however, +the fact remains that Cimmeria is a well-governed city, and, +what is more, it isn't afraid to assert its rights even as +against old Apollyon himself." + +"It's safe enough for a corporation," said I. "Much safer for a +corporation which has no soul, than for an individual who has. +You can't torture a city--" + +"Oh, can't you!" laughed Boswell. "Humph. Apollyon can make it +as hot for a city as he can for an individual. It is evident +that you never heard of Sodom and Gomorrah--which is surprising +to me, since your jokes about Lot's wife being too fresh and +getting salted down, would seem to indicate that you had heard +something about the punishment those cities underwent." + +"You are right, Bozzy," I said. "I had forgotten. But tell me +about the dog-tax. Does the State own a dog?" + +"Does it?" roared Boswell. "Why, my dear fellow, where were +you brought up and educated. Does the State own a dog!" + +"That's what I asked you," I put in, meekly. "I may be very +ignorant, unless you mean the kind that we have in our +legislatures, called the watch-dogs of the treasury, or, +perhaps, the dogs of war. But I never thought any city would +be crazy enough to make the government take out a license +for them." + +"Never heard of a beast named Cerberus, I suppose?" said +Boswell. + +"Yes, I have," I answered. "He guards the gates to the infernal +regions." + +"Well--he's the bone of contention," said Boswell. "You see, +about ten years ago the people of Cimmeria got rather tired of +the condition of their streets. They were badly paved. They were +full of good intentions, but the citizens thought they ought +to have something more lasting, so they voted to appropriate +an enormous sum for asphalting. They didn't realize how sloppy +asphalt would become in that climate, but after the asphalt +was put down they found out, and a Beelzebub of a time of it +they had. Pegasus sprained his off hind leg by slipping on +it, Bucephalus got into it with all four feet and had to be +lifted out with a derrick, and every other fine horse we had +was more or less injured, and the damage suits against the +city were enormous. To remedy this, the asphalting was taken +up and a Nicholson wood pavement was put down. This was worse +than the other. It used to catch fire every other night, and, +finally, to protect their houses, the people rose up en masse +and ripped it all to pieces. + +"This necessitated a third new pavement, of Belgian blocks, to +pay for which the already overburdened city of Cimmeria had to +issue bonds to an enormous amount, all of which necessitated +an increase of taxes. Naturally, one of the first taxes to +be imposed was a dog-tax, and it was that which led to this +lawsuit, which, I regret to say, the city has lost, although +Judge Blackstone's decision was eminently fair." + +"Wouldn't the State pay?" I asked. + +"Yes--on Cerberus as one dog," said Boswell. "The city claimed, +however, that Cerberus was more than that, and endeavored to +collect on three dogs--one license for each head. This the State +declined to pay, and out of this grew further complications +of a distressing nature. The city sent its dog-catchers up to +abscond with the dog, intending to cut off two of its heads, +and return the balance as being as much of the beast as the +State was entitled to maintain on a single license. It was an +unfortunate move, for when Cerberus himself took the situation +in, which he did at a glance, he nabbed the dog-catcher by the +coat-tails with one pair of jaws, grabbed hold of his collar +with another, and shook him as he would a rat, meanwhile chewing +up other portions of the unfortunate official with his third set +of teeth. The functionary was then carried home on a stretcher, +and subsequently sued the city for damages, which he recovered. + +"Another man was sent out to lure the ferocious beast to +the pound with a lasso, but it worked no better than the +previous attempt. The lasso fell all right tight about one +of the animal's necks, but his other two heads immediately +set to work and gnawed the rope through, and then set off +after the dog-catcher, overtaking him at the very door of the +pound. This time he didn't do any biting, but lifting the +dog-catcher up with his various sets of teeth, fastened to +his collar, coat-tails, and feet respectively, carried him +yelling like a trooper to the end of the wharf and dropped +him into the Styx. The result of this was nervous prostration +for the dog-catcher, another suit for damages for the city, +and a great laugh for the State authorities. In fact," Boswell +added, confidentially, "I think perhaps the reason why the +Prime-minister hasn't got Apollyon to hang the whole city +government has been due to the fun they've got out of seeing +Cerberus and the city fighting it out together. There's no doubt +about it that he is a wonderful dog, and is quite capable of +taking care of himself." + +"But the outcome of the case?" I asked, much interested. + +"Defeat for the city," said Boswell. "Failing to enforce +its authority by means of its servants, the city undertook to +recover by due process of law. The dog-catchers were powerless; +the police declined to act on the advice of the commissioners, +since dog-catching was not within their province; and the fire +department averred that it was designed for the putting out of +fires and not for extinguishing fiery canines like Cerberus. The +dog, meanwhile, to show his contempt for the city, chewed +the license-tag off the neck upon which it had been placed, +and dropped it into a smelting-pot inside the gates of the +infernal regions that was reserved to bring political prisoners +to their senses, and, worse than all, made a perfect nuisance of +himself by barking all day and baying all night, rain or shine." + +"Papers in a suit at law were then served on Mazarin and the +other members of Apollyon's council, the causes of complaint +were recited, and damages for ten years back taxes on two dogs, +plus the amounts recovered from the city by the two injured +dog-catchers, were demanded. The suit was put upon the calendar, +and Apollyon himself sat upon the bench with Judge Blackstone, +before whom the case was to be tried. + +"On both sides the arguments were exceedingly strong. Coke +appeared for the city and Catiline for the State. After the +complaint was read, the attorney for the State put in his +answer, that the State's contention was that the ordinance had +been complied with, that Cerberus was only one dog, and that +the license had been paid; that the license having been paid, +the dog-catchers had no right to endeavor to abduct the animal, +and that having done so they did it at their own peril; that +the suit ought to be dismissed, but that for the fun of it +the State was perfectly willing to let it go on. + +"In rebuttal the plaintiff claimed that Cerberus was three +dogs to all intents and purposes, and the first dog-catcher +was called to testify. After giving his name and address he was +asked a few questions of minor importance, and then Coke asked: + +"'Are you familiar with dogs?' + +"'Moderately,' was the answer. 'I never got quite so intimate +with one as I did with him.' + +"'With whom?' asked Coke. + +"'Cerberus,' replied the witness. + +"'Do you consider him to be one dog, two dogs or three dogs?' + +"'I object!' cried Catiline, springing to his feet. 'The +question is a leading one.' + +"'Sustained,' said Blackstone, with a nervous glance at +Apollyon, who smiled reassuringly at him. + +"'Ah, you say you know a dog when you see one?' asked Coke. + +"'Yes,' said the witness, 'perfectly.' + +"'Do you know two dogs when you see them, or even three?' asked +Coke. + +"'I do,' replied the witness. + +"'And how many dogs did you see when you saw Cerberus?' asked +Coke, triumphantly. + +"'Three, anyhow,' replied the witness, with feeling, 'though +afterwards I thought there was a whole bench-show atop of me.' + +"'Your witness,' said Coke. + +"A murmur of applause went through the court-room, at which +Apollyon frowned; but his face cleared in a moment when Catiline +rose up. + +"'My cross-examination of this witness, your honor, will be +confined to one question.' Then turning to the witness he said, +blandly: 'My poor friend, if you considered Cerberus to be +three dogs anyhow, why did you in your examination a moment +since refer to the avalanche of caninity, of which you so +affectingly speak, as him?' + +"'He is a him,' said the witness. + +"'But if there were three, should he not have been a them?' + +"Coke swore profanely beneath his breath, and the witness +squirmed about in his chair, confused and broken, while both +Judge Blackstone and Apollyon smiled broadly. Manifestly the +point of the defence had pierced the armor of the plaintiff. + +"'Your witness for re-direct,' said Catiline. + +"'No thanks,' retorted Coke; 'there are others,' and, +motioning to his first witness to step down, he called the +second dog-catcher. + +"'What is your business?' asked Coke, after the usual +preliminary questions. + +"'I'm out of business. Livin' on my damages,' said the witness. + +"'What damages?' asked Coke. + +"'Them I got from the city for injuries did me by that there--I +should say them there--dorgs, Cerberus.' + +"'Them there what?' persisted Coke, to emphasize the point. + +"'Dorgs,' said the witness, convincingly--'D-o-r-g-s.' + +"'Why s?' queried Coke. 'We may admit the r, but why the s?' + +"'Because it's the pullural of dorg. Cerberus ain't any +single-headed commission,' said the witness, who was something +of a ward politician. + +"'Why do you say that Cerberus is more than one dog?' + +"'Because I've had experience,' replied the witness. 'I've +seen the time when he was everywhere all at once; that's why +I say he's more than one dorg. If he'd been only one dorg he +couldn't have been anywhere else than where he was.' + +"'When was that?' + +"'When I lassoed him.' + +"'Him?' remonstrated Coke. + +"'Yes,' said the witness. 'I only caught one of him, and then +the other two took a hand.' + +"'Ah, the other two,' said Coke. 'You know dogs when you +see them?' + +"'I do, and he was all of 'em in a bunch,' replied the witness. + +"'Your witness,' said Coke. + +"'My friend,' said Catiline, rising quietly. 'How many men +are you?' + +"'One, sir,' was the answer. + +"'Have you ever been in two places at once?' + +"'Yes, sir.' + +"'When was that?' + +"'When I was in jail and in London all at the same time.' + +"'Very good; but were you in two places on the day of this +attack upon you by Cerberus?' + +"'No, sir. I wish I had been. I'd have stayed in the other +place.' + +"'Then if you were in but one place yourself, how do you know +that Cerberus was in more than one place?' + +"'Well, I guess if you--' + +"'Answer the question,' said Catiline. + +"'Oh, well--of course--' + +"'Of course,' echoed Catiline. 'That's it, your honor; it is +only "of course,"--and I rest my case. We have no witnesses +to call. We have proven by their own witnesses that there is +no evidence of Cerberus being more than one dog.' + +"You ought to have heard the cheers as Catiline sat down," +continued Boswell. "As for poor Coke, he was regularly +knocked out, but he rose up to sum up his case as best he +could. Blackstone, however, stopped him right at the beginning. + +"'The counsel for the plaintiff might as well sit down,' he +said, 'and save his breath. I've decided this case in favor of +the defendant long ago. It is plain to every one that Cerberus +is only one dog, in spite of his many talents and manifest +ability to be in several places at once, and inasmuch as the +tax which is sued for is merely a dog-tax and not a poll-tax, I +must render judgment for the defendants, with costs. Next case.' + +"And the city of Cimmeria was thrown out of court," concluded +Boswell. "Interesting, eh?" + +"Very," said I. "But how will this affect Blackstone? Isn't +he a City Judge?" + +"No," replied Boswell; "he was, but his term expired this +morning, and this afternoon Apollyon appointed him Chief +Justice of the Supreme Court of Hades." + + + + +VIII + +A HAND-BOOK TO HADES + + + + +"Boswell," said I, the other night, as the machine began to +click nervously. "I have just received a letter from an unknown +friend in Hawaii who wants to know how the prize-fight between +Samson and Goliath came out that time when Kidd and his pirate +crew stole the House-Boat on the Styx." + +"Just wait a minute, please," the machine responded. "I am very +busy just now mapping out the itinerary of the first series of +the Boswell Personally Conducted Tours you suggested some time +ago. I laid that whole proposition before the Entertainment +Committee of the Associated Shades, and they have resolved +unanimously to charter the Ex-Great Eastern from the Styx +Navigation Company, and return to the scenes of their former +glory, devoting a year to it." + +"Going to take their wives?" I asked. + +"I don't know," Boswell replied. "That is a matter outside +of the jurisdiction of the committee and must be decided +by a full vote of the club. I hope they will, however. As +manager of the enterprise I need assistance, and there are +some of the men who can't be managed by anybody except their +wives, or mothers-in-law, anyhow. I'll be through in a few +minutes. Meanwhile let me hand you the latest product of the +Boswell press." + +With this the genial spirit produced from an invisible +pocket a red-covered book bearing the delicious title of +"Baedeker's Hades: A Hand-book for Travellers," which has +entirely superseded, according to the advertisement on the +fly-leaves, such books as Virgil and Dante's Inferno as the best +guide to the lower regions, as well it might, for it appeared +on perusal to have been prepared with as much care as one of +the more material guide-books of the same publisher, which so +greatly assist travellers on this side of the Stygian River. + +Some time, if Boswell will permit, I shall endeavor to have +this little volume published in this country since it contains +many valuable hints to the man of a roving disposition, or +for the stay-at-home, for that matter, for all roads lead to +Hades. For instance, we do not find in previous guide-books, +like Dante's Inferno, any references whatsoever to the languages +it is well to know before taking the Stygian tour; to the +kind of money needed, or its quantity per capita; no allusion +to the necessity of passports is found in Dante or Virgil; +custom-house requirements are ignored by these authors; no +statements as to the kind of clothing needed, the quality of the +hotels--nor indeed any real information of vital importance to +the traveller is to be found in the older books. In Baedeker's +Hades, on the other hand, all these subjects are exhaustively +treated, together with a very comprehensive series of chapters +on "Stygian Wines," "Climate," and "Hellish Art"--the expression +is not mine--and other topics of essential interest. + +And of what suggestive quality was this little book. Who +would ever have guessed from a perusal of Dante that as +Hades is the place of departed spirits so also is it the +ultimate resting-place of all other departed things. What +delightful anticipations are there in the idea of a visit to +the Alexandrian library, now suitably housed on the south side +of Apollyon Square, Cimmeria, in a building that would drive +the trustees of the Boston Public Library into envious despair, +even though living Bacchantes are found daily improving their +minds in the recesses of its commodious alcoves! What joyous +feelings it gives one to think of visiting the navy-yards of +Tyre and finding there the ships concerning the whereabouts +of which poets have vainly asked questions for ages! Who would +ever dream that the question of the balladist, himself an able +dreamer concerning classic things, "Where are the Cities of +Old Time," could ever find its answer in a simple guide-book +telling us where Carthage is, where Troy and all the lost +cities of antiquity! + +Then the details of amusements in this wonderful country--who +could gather aught of these from the Italian poet? The theatres +of Gehenna, with "Hamlet" produced under the joint direction +of Shakespeare and the Prince of Denmark himself, the great +Zoo of Sheolia, with Jumbo, and the famous woolly horse of +earlier days, not to mention the long series of menageries +which have passed over the dark river in the ages now forgotten; +the hanging gardens of Babylon, where the picnicking element of +Hades flock week after week, chuting the chutes, and clambering +joyously in and out of the Trojan Horse, now set up in all its +majesty therein, with bowling-alleys on its roof, elevators in +its legs, and the original Ferris-wheel in its head; the freak +museums in the densely populated sections of the large cities, +where Hop o' my Thumb and Jack the Giant Killer are exhibited +day after day alongside of the great ogres they have killed; +the opera-house, with Siegfried himself singing, supported by +the real Brunhild and the original, bona fide dragon Fafnir, +running of his own motive power, and breathing actual fire +and smoke without the aid of a steam-engine and a plumber to +connect him therewith before he can go out upon the stage to +engage Siegfried in deadly combat. + +For the information contained in this last item alone, even if +the book had no other virtue, it would be worthy of careful +perusal from the opening paragraph on language, to the last, +dealing with the descent into the Vitriol Reservoir at Gehenna. +The account of the feeding of Fafnir, to which admission can be +had on payment of ten oboli, beginning with a puree of kerosene, +followed by a half-dozen cartridges on the half-shell, an entree +of nitro-glycerine, a solid roast of cannel-coal, and a salad +of gun-cotton, with a mayonnaise dressing of alcohol and a pinch +of powder, topped off with a demi-tasse of benzine and a box of +matches to keep the fires of his spirit going, is one of the +most moving things I have ever read, and yet it may be said +without fear of contradiction that until this guide-book was +prepared very few of the Stygian tourists have imagined that +there was such a sight to be seen. I have gone carefully over +Dante, Virgil, and the works of Andrew Lang, and have found +no reference whatsoever in the pages of any of these talented +persons to this marvellous spectacle which takes place three +times a day, and which I doubt not results in a performance +of Siegfried for the delectation of the music lovers of Hades, +which is beyond the power of the human mind to conceive. + +The hand-book has an added virtue, which distinguishes it from +any other that I have ever seen, in that it is anecdotal in +style at times where an anecdote is available and appropriate. +In connection with this same Fafnir, as showing how necessary +it is for the tourist to be careful of his personal safety +in Hades, it is related that upon one occasion the keeper of +the dragon having taken a grudge against Siegfried for some +unintentional slight, fed Fafnir upon Roman-candles and a +sky-rocket, with the result that in the fight between the hero +and the demon of the wood the Siegfried was seriously injured +by the red, white, and blue balls of fire which the dragon +breathed out upon him, while the sky-rocket flew out into the +audience and struck a young man in the top gallery, knocking him +senseless, the stick falling into a grand-tier box and impaling +one of the best known social lights of Cimmeria. "Therefore," +adds the astute editor of the hand-book, "on Siegfried nights +it were well if the tourist were to go provided with an asbestos +umbrella for use in case of an emergency of a similar nature." + +In that portion of the book devoted to the trip up the river +Styx the legends surpass any of the Rhine stories in dramatic +interest, because, according to Commodore Charon's excursion +system, the tourist can step ashore and see the chief actors +in them, who for a consideration will give a full-dress +rehearsal of the legendary acts for which they have been +famous. The sirens of the Stygian Lorelei, for instance, +sit on an eminence not far above the city of Cimmeria, and +make a profession of luring people ashore and giving away at +so much per head locks of their hair for remembrance' sake, +all of which makes of the Stygian trip a thing of far greater +interest than that of the Rhine. + +It had been my intention to make a few extracts from this +portion of the volume showing later developments in the legends +of the Drachenfels, and others of more than ordinary interest, +but I find that with the departure of Boswell for the night +the treasured hand-book disappeared with him; but, as I have +already stated, if I can secure his consent to do so I will +some day have the book copied off on more material substance +than that employed in the original manuscript, so that the +useful little tome may be printed and scattered broadcast +over a waiting and appreciative world. I may as well state +here, too, that I have taken the precaution to have the title +"Baedeker's Hades" and its contents copyrighted, so that any +pirate who recognizes the value of the scheme will attempt to +pirate the work at his peril. + +Hardly had I finished the chapter on the legends of the Styx +when Boswell broke in upon me with: "Well, how do you like it?" + +"It's great," I said. "May I keep it?" + +"You may if you can," he laughed. "But I fancy it can't +withstand the rigors of this climate any more than an +unfireproof copy of one of your books could stand the caniculars +of ours." + +His words were soon to be verified, for as soon as he left me +the book vanished, but whether it went off into thin air or was +repocketed by the departing Boswell I am not entirely certain. + +"What was it you asked me about Samson and Goliath?" Boswell +observed, as he gathered up his manuscript from the floor +beside the Enchanted Typewriter. "Whether they'd ever been +in Honolulu?" + +"No," I replied. "I got a letter from Hawaii the other day +asking for the result of the prize-fight the day Kidd ran off +with the house-boat." + +"Oh," replied Boswell. "That? Why, ah, Samson won hands down, +but only because they played according to latter-day rules. If +it had been a regular knock-out fight, like the contests in the +old days of the ring when it was in its prime, Goliath could +have managed him with one hand; but the Samson backers played +a sharp game on the Philistine by having the most recently +amended Queensbury rules adopted, and Goliath wasn't in it +five minutes after Samson opened his mouth." + +"I don't think I understand," said I. + +"Plain enough," explained Boswell. "Goliath didn't know what +the modern rules were, but he thought a fight was a fight +under any rules, so, like a decent chap, he agreed, and when +he found that it was nothing but a talking-match he'd got +into he fainted. He never was good at expressing himself +fluently. Samson talked him down in two rounds, just as he +did the other Philistines in the early days on earth." + +I laughed. "You're slightly off there," I said. "That was a +stand-up-and-be-knocked-down fight, wasn't it? He used the +jawbone of an ass?" + +"Very true," observed Boswell, "but it is evident that it is +you who are slightly off. You haven't kept up with the higher +criticism. It has been proven scientifically that not only +did the whale not swallow Jonah, but that Samson's great feat +against the Philistines was comparable only to the achievements +of your modern senators. He talked them to death." + +"Then why jawbone of an ass?" I cried. + +"Samson was an ass," replied Boswell. "They prove that by the +temple episode, for you see if he hadn't been one he'd have +got out of the building before yanking the foundations from +under it. I tell you, old chap, this higher criticism is a +great thing, and as logical as death itself." + +And with this Boswell left me. + +I sincerely hope that the result of the fight will prove as +satisfactory to my friend in Hawaii as it was to me; for while +I have no particular admiration for Samson, I have always +rejoiced to hear of the discomfitures of Goliath, who, so far +as I have been able to ascertain, was not only not a gentleman, +but, in addition, had no more regard for the rights of others +than a member of the New York police force or the editor of +a Sunday newspaper with a thirst for sensation. + + + + +IX + +SHERLOCK HOLMES AGAIN + + + + +I had intended asking Boswell what had become of my copy of +the Baedeker's Hades when he next returned, but the output of +the machine that evening so interested me that the hand-book +was entirely forgotten. If there ever was a hero in this world +who could compare with D'Artagnan in my estimation for sheer +ability in a given line that hero was Sherlock Holmes. With +D'Artagnan and Holmes for my companions I think I could pass the +balance of my days in absolute contentment, no matter what woful +things might befall me. So it was that, when I next heard the +tapping keys and dulcet bell of my Enchanted Type-writer, and, +after listening intently for a moment, realized that my friend +Boswell was making a copy of a Sherlock Holmes Memoir thereon +for his next Sunday's paper, all thought of the interesting +little red book of the last meeting flew out of my head. I +rose quickly from my couch at the first sounding of the gong. + +"Got a Holmes story, eh?" I said, walking to his side, +and gazing eagerly over the spot where his shoulder should +have been. + +"I have that, and it's a winner," he replied, enthusiastically. +"If you don't believe it, read it. I'll have it copied in +about two minutes." + +"I'll do both," I said. "I believe all the Sherlock Holmes +stories I read. It is so much pleasanter to believe them true. +If they weren't true they wouldn't be so wonderful." + +With this I picked up the first page of the manuscript and +shortly after Boswell presented me with the balance, whereon +I read the following extraordinary tale: + + + A MYSTERY SOLVED + + A WONDERFUL ACHIEVEMENT IN FERRETING + + From Advance Sheets of + + MEMOIRS I REMEMBER + + BY + + SHERLOCK HOLMES, ESQ. + +Ferreter Extraordinary by Special Appointment to his Majesty + Apollyon + + --------------- + + WHO THE LADY WAS! + + +It was not many days after my solution of the Missing Diamond +of the Nizam of Jigamaree Mystery that I was called upon to take +up a case which has baffled at least one person for some ten or +eleven centuries. The reader will remember the mystery of the +missing diamond--the largest known in all history, which the +Nizam of Jigamaree brought from India to present to the Queen +of England, on the occasion of her diamond jubilee. I had been +dead three years at the time, but, by a special dispensation of +his Imperial Highness Apollyon, was permitted to return incog +to London for the jubilee season, where it so happened that I +put up at the same lodging-house as that occupied by the Nizam +and his suite. We sat opposite each other at table d'hote, and +for at least three weeks previous to the losing of his treasure +the Indian prince was very morose, and it was very difficult to +get him to speak. I was not supposed to know, nor, indeed, was +any one else, for that matter, at the lodging-house, that the +Nizam was so exalted a personage. He like myself was travelling +incog and was known to the world as Mr. Wilkins, of Calcutta--a +very wise precaution, inasmuch as he had in his possession a +gem valued at a million and a half of dollars. I recognized +him at once, however, by his unlikeness to a wood-cut that +had been appearing in the American Sunday newspapers, labelled +with his name, as well as by the extraordinary lantern which he +had on his bicycle, a lantern which to the uneducated eye was +no more than an ordinary lamp, but which to an eye like mine, +familiar with gems, had for its crystal lens nothing more nor +less than the famous stone which he had brought for her Majesty +the Queen, his imperial sovereign. There are few people who +can tell diamonds from plate-glass under any circumstances, +and Mr. Wilkins, otherwise the Nizam, realizing this fact, had +taken this bold method of secreting his treasure. Of course, +the moment I perceived the quality of the man's lamp I knew +at once who Mr. Wilkins was, and I determined to have a little +innocent diversion at his expense. + +"It has been a fine day, Mr. Wilkins," said I one evening over +the pate. + +"Yes," he replied, wearily. "Very--but somehow or other I'm +depressed to-night." + +"Too bad," I said, lightly, "but there are others. There's +that poor Nizam of Jigamaree, for instance--poor devil, he +must be the bluest brown man that ever lived." + +Wilkins started nervously as I mentioned the prince by name. + +"Wh-why do you think that?" he asked, nervously fingering +his butter-knife. + +"It's tough luck to have to give away a diamond that's worth +three or four times as much as the Koh-i-noor," I said. "Suppose +you owned a stone like that. Would you care to give it away?" + +"Not by a damn sight!" cried Wilkins, forcibly, and I noticed +great tears gathering in his eyes. + +"Still, he can't help himself, I suppose," I said, gazing +abruptly at his scarf-pin. "That is, he doesn't KNOW that he +can. The Queen expects it. It's been announced, and now the +poor devil can't get out of it--though I'll tell you, Mr. +Wilkins, if I were the Nizam of Jigamaree, I'd get out of it +in ten seconds." + +I winked at him significantly. He looked at me blankly. + +"Yes, sir," I added, merely to arouse him, "in just ten +seconds! Ten short, beautiful seconds." + +"Mr. Postlethwaite," said the Nizam--Postlethwaite was the +name I was travelling under--"Mr. Postlethwaite," said the +Nizam--otherwise Wilkins--"your remarks interest me greatly." +His face wreathed with a smile that I had never before seen +there. "I have thought as you do in regard to this poor Indian +prince, but I must confess I don't see how he can get out of +giving the Queen that diamond. Have a cigar, Mr. Postlethwaite, +and, waiter, bring us a triple magnum of champagne. Do you +really think, Mr. Postlethwaite, that there is a way out of +it? If you would like a ticket to Westminster for the ceremony, +there are a half-dozen." + +He tossed six tickets for seats among the crowned heads +across the table to me. His eagerness was almost too painful +to witness. + +"Thank you," said I, calmly pocketing the tickets, for they were +of rare value at that time. "The way out of it is very simple." + +"Indeed, Mr. Postlethwaite," said he, trying to keep cool. +"Ah--are you interested in rubies, sir? There are a few which +I should be pleased to have you accept"--and with that over +came a handful of precious stones each worth a fortune. These +also I pocketed as I replied: + +"Why, certainly; if I were the Nizam," said I, "I'd lose +that diamond." + +A shade of disappointment came over Mr. Wilkins's face. + +"Lose it? How? Where?" he asked, with a frown. + +"Yes. Lose it. Any way I could. As for the place where it +should be lost, any old place will do as long as it is where +he can find it again when he gets back home. He might leave +it in his other clothes, or--" + +"Make that two triple magnums, waiter," cried Mr. Wilkins, +excitedly, interrupting me. "Postlethwaite, you're a genius, +and if you ever want a house and lot in Calcutta, just let me +know and they're yours." + +You never saw such a change come over a man in all your life. +Where he had been all gloom before, he was now all smiles +and jollity, and from that time on to his return to India +Mr. Wilkins was as happy as a school-boy at the beginning of +vacation. The next day the diamond was lost, and whoever may +have it at this moment, the British Crown is not in possession +of the Jigamaree gem. + +But, as my friend Terence Mulvaney says, that is another +story. It is of the mystery immediately following this +concerning which I have set out to write. + +I was sitting one day in my office on Apollyon Square opposite +the Alexandrian library, smoking an absinthe cigarette, which +I had rolled myself from my special mixture consisting of two +parts tobacco, one part hasheesh, one part of opium dampened +with a liqueur glass of absinthe, when an excited knock sounded +upon my door. + +"Come in," I cried, adopting the usual formula. + +The door opened and a beautiful woman stood before me clad in +most regal garments, robust of figure, yet extremely pale. It +seemed to me that I had seen her somewhere before, yet for a +time I could not place her. + +"Mr. Sherlock Holmes?" said she, in deliciously musical tones, +which, singular to relate, she emitted in a fashion suggestive +of a recitative passage in an opera. + +"The same," said I, bowing with my accustomed courtesy. + +"The ferret?" she sang, in staccato tones which were ravishing +to my musical soul. + +I laughed. "That term has been applied to me, madame," said +I, chanting my answer as best I could. "For myself, however, +I prefer to assume the more modest title of detective. I can +work with or without clues, and have never yet been baffled. +I know who wrote the Junius letters, and upon occasions have +been known to see through a stone wall with my naked eye. What +can I do for you?" + +"Tell me who I am!" she cried, tragically, taking the centre +of the room and gesticulating wildly. + +"Well--really, madame," I replied. "You didn't send up any +card--" + +"Ah!" she sneered. "This is what your vaunted prowess amounts +to, eh? Ha! Do you suppose if I had a card with my name on it +I'd have come to you to inquire who I am? I can read a card +as well as you can, Mr. Sherlock Holmes." + +"Then, as I understand it, madame," I put in, "you have suddenly +forgotten your identity and wish me to--" + +"Nothing of the sort. I have forgotten nothing. I never knew +for certain who I am. I have an impression, but it is based +only on hearsay evidence," she interrupted. + +For a moment I was fairly puzzled. Still I did not wish to +let her know this, and so going behind my screen and taking a +capsule full of cocaine to steady my nerves, I gained a moment +to think. Returning, I said: + +"This really is child's play for me, madame. It won't take +more than a week to find out who you are, and possibly, if +you have any clews at all to your identity, I may be able to +solve this mystery in a day." + +"I have only three," she answered, and taking a piece of +swan's-down, a lock of golden hair, and a pair of silver-tinsel +tights from her portmanteau she handed them over to me. + +My first impulse was to ask the lady if she remembered the name +of the asylum from which she had escaped, but I fortunately +refrained from doing so, and she shortly left me, promising +to return at the end of the week. + +For three days I puzzled over the clews. Swan's-down, yellow +hair, and a pair of silver-tinsel tights, while very interesting +no doubt at times, do not form a very solid basis for a theory +establishing the identity of so regal a person as my visitor. +My first impression was that she was a vaudeville artist, and +that the exhibits she had left me were a part of her make-up. +This I was forced to abandon shortly, because no woman with the +voice of my visitor would sing in vaudeville. The more ambitious +stage was her legitimate field, if not grand opera itself. + +At this point she returned to my office, and I of course +reported progress. That is one of the most valuable things +I learned while on earth--when you have done nothing, report +progress. + +"I haven't quite succeeded as yet," said I, "but I am getting at +it slowly. I do not, however, think it wise to acquaint you with +my present notions until they are verified beyond peradventure. +It might help me somewhat if you were to tell me who it is you +think you are. I could work either forward or backward on that +hypothesis, as seemed best, and so arrive at a hypothetical +truth anyhow." + +"That's just what I don't want to do," said she. "That +information might bias your final judgment. If, however, acting +on the clews which you have, you confirm my impression that I +am such and such a person, as well as the views which other +people have, then will my status be well defined and I can +institute my suit against my husband for a judicial separation, +with back alimony, with some assurance of a successful issue." + +I was more puzzled than ever. + +"Well," said I, slowly, "I of course can see how a bit of +swan's-down and a lock of yellow hair backed up by a pair of +silver-tinsel tights might constitute reasonable evidence in +a suit for separation, but wouldn't it--ah--be more to your +purpose if I should use these data as establishing the identity +of--er--somebody else?" + +"How very dense you are," she replied, impatiently. "That's +precisely what I want you to do." + +"But you told me it was your identity you wished proven," +I put in, irritably. + +"Precisely," said she. + +"Then these bits of evidence are--yours?" I asked, +hesitatingly. One does not like to accuse a lady of an undue +liking for tinsel. + +"They are all I have left of my husband," she answered with +a sob. + +"Hum!" said I, my perplexity increasing. "Was the--ah--the +gentleman blown up by dynamite?" + +"Excuse me, Mr. Holmes," she retorted, rising and running +the scales. "I think, after all, I have come to the wrong +shop. Have you Hawkshaw's address handy? You are too obtuse +for a detective." + +My reputation was at stake, so I said, significantly: + +"Good! Good! I was merely trying one of my disguises on you, +madame, and you were completely taken in. Of course no one would +ever know me for Sherlock Holmes if I manifested such dullness." + +"Ah!" she said, her face lighting up. "You were merely deceiving +me by appearing to be obtuse?" + +"Of course," said I. "I see the whole thing in a nutshell. You +married an adventurer; he told you who he was, but you've never +been able to prove it; and suddenly you are deserted by him, +and on going over his wardrobe you find he has left nothing but +these articles: and now you wish to sue him for a separation +on the ground of desertion, and secure alimony if possible." + +It was a magnificent guess. + +"That is it precisely," said the lady. "Except as to the extent +of his 'leavings.' In addition to the things you have he gave +my small brother a brass bugle and a tin sword." + +"We may need to see them later," said I. "At present I will +do all I can for you on the evidence in hand. I have got my +eye on a gentleman who wears silver-tinsel tights now, but I +am afraid he is not the man we are after, because his hair is +black, and, as far as I have been able to learn from his valet, +he is utterly unacquainted with swan's-down." + +We separated again and I went to the club to think. Never in +my life before had I had so baffling a case. As I sat in the +cafe sipping a cocaine cobbler, who should walk in but Hamlet, +strangely enough picking particles of swan's-down from his +black doublet, which was literally covered with it. + +"Hello, Sherlock!" he said, drawing up a chair and sitting +down beside me. "What you up to?" + +"Trying to make out where you have been," I replied. "I +judge from the swan's-down on your doublet that you have been +escorting Ophelia to the opera in the regulation cloak." + +"You're mistaken for once," he laughed. "I've been driving +with Lohengrin. He's got a pair of swans that can do a mile +in 2.10--but it makes them moult like the devil." + +"Pair of what?" I cried. + +"Swans," said Hamlet. "He's an eccentric sort of a duffer, +that Lohengrin. Afraid of horses, I fancy." + +"And so drives swans instead?" said I, incredulously. + +"The same," replied Hamlet. "Do I look as if he drove squab?" + +"He must be queer," said I. "I'd like to meet him. He'd make +quite an addition to my collection of freaks." + +"Very well," observed Hamlet. "He'll be here to-morrow to take +luncheon with me, and if you'll come, too, you'll be most +welcome. He's collecting freaks, too, and I haven't a doubt +would be pleased to know you." + +We parted and I sauntered homeward, cogitating over my strange +client, and now and then laughing over the idiosyncrasies of +Hamlet's friend the swan-driver. It never occurred to me at +the moment however to connect the two, in spite of the link +of swan's-down. I regarded it merely as a coincidence. The +next day, however, on going to the club and meeting Hamlet's +strange guest, I was struck by the further coincidence that +his hair was of precisely the same shade of yellow as that in +my possession. It was of a hue that I had never seen before +except at performances of grand opera, or on the heads of fool +detectives in musical burlesques. Here, however, was the real +thing growing luxuriantly from the man's head. + +"Ho-ho!" thought I to myself. "Here is a fortunate encounter; +there may be something in it," and then I tried to lead him on. + +"I understand, Mr. Lohengrin," I said, "that you have a fine +span of swans." + +"Yes," he said, and I was astonished to note that he, like my +client, spoke in musical numbers. "Very. They're much finer +than horses, in my opinion. More peaceful, quite as rapid, +and amphibious. If I go out for a drive and come to a lake +they trot quite as well across its surface as on the highways." + +"How interesting!" said I. "And so gentle, the swan. Your wife, +I presume--" + +Hamlet kicked my shins under the table. + +"I think it will rain to-morrow," he said, giving me a glance +which if it said anything said shut up. + +"I think so, too," said Lohengrin, a lowering look on his +face. "If it doesn't, it will either snow, or hail, or be +clear." And he gazed abstractedly out of the window. + +The kick and the man's confusion were sufficient proof. I was +on the right track at last. Yet the evidence was unsatisfactory +because merely circumstantial. My piece of down might have +come from an opera cloak and not from a well-broken swan, +the hair might equally clearly have come from some other head +than Lohengrin's, and other men have had trouble with their +wives. The circumstantial evidence lying in the coincidences +was strong but not conclusive, so I resolved to pursue the +matter and invite the strange individual to a luncheon with me, +at which I proposed to wear the tinsel tights. Seeing them, +he might be forced into betraying himself. + +This I did, and while my impressions were confirmed by his +demeanor, no positive evidence grew out of it. + +"I'm hungry as a bear!" he said, as I entered the club, clad in +a long, heavy ulster, reaching from my shoulders to the ground, +so that the tights were not visible. + +"Good," said I. "I like a hearty eater," and I ordered a +luncheon of ten courses before removing my overcoat; but +not one morsel could the man eat, for on the removal of my +coat his eye fell upon my silver garments, and with a gasp +he wellnigh fainted. It was clear. He recognized them and was +afraid, and in consequence lost his appetite. But he was game, +and tried to laugh it off. + +"Silver man, I see," he said, nervously, smiling. + +"No," said I, taking the lock of golden hair from my pocket +and dangling it before him. "Bimetallist." + +His jaw dropped in dismay, but recovering himself instantly +he put up a fairly good fight. + +"It is strange, Mr. Lohengrin," said I, "that in the three +years I have been here I've never seen you before." + +"I've been very quiet," he said. "Fact is, I have had my +reasons, Mr. Holmes, for preferring the life of a hermit. +A youthful indiscretion, sir, has made me fear to face the +world. There was nothing wrong about it, save that it was a +folly, and I have been anxious in these days of newspapers +to avoid any possible revival of what might in some eyes +seem scandalous." + +I felt sorry for him, but my duty was clear. Here was my man-- +but how to gain direct proof was still beyond me. No further +admissions could be got out of him, and we soon parted. + +Two days later the lady called and again I reported progress. + +"It needs but one thing, madame, to convince me that I have +found your husband," said I. "I have found a man who might be +connected with swan's-down, from whose luxuriant curls might +have come this tow-colored lock, and who might have worn the +silver-tinsel tights--yet it is all MIGHT and no certainty." + +"I will bring my small brother's bugle and the tin sword," +said she. "The sword has certain properties which may induce +him to confess. My brother tells me that if he simply shakes +it at a cat the cat falls dead." + +"Do so," said I, "and I will try it on him. If he recognizes +the sword and remembers its properties when I attempt to +brandish it at him, he'll be forced to confess, though it +would be awkward if he is the wrong man and the sword should +work on him as it does on the cat." + +The next day I was in possession of the famous toy. It was +not very long, and rather more suggestive of a pancake-turner +than a sword, but it was a terror. I tested its qualities on +a swarm of gnats in my room, and the moment I shook it at +them they fluttered to the ground as dead as door-nails. + +"I'll have to be careful of this weapon," I thought. "It +would be terrible if I should brandish it at a motor-man +trying to get one of the Gehenna Traction Company's cable-cars +to stop and he should drop dead at his post." + +All was now ready for the demonstration. Fortunately the +following Saturday night was club night at the House-Boat, +and we were all expected to come in costume. For dramatic +effect I wore a yellow wig, a helmet, the silver-tinsel +tights, and a doublet to match, with the brass bugle and the +tin sword properly slung about my person. I looked stunning, +even if I do say it, and much to my surprise several people +mistook me for the man I was after. Another link in the chain! +EVEN THE PUBLIC UNCONSCIOUSLY RECOGNIZED THE VALUE OF MY +DEDUCTIONS. THEY CALLED ME LOHENGRIN! + +And of course it all happened as I expected. It always does. +Lohengrin came into the assembly-room five minutes after I +did and was visibly annoyed at my make-up. + +"This is a great liberty," said he, grasping the hilt of his +sword; but I answered by blowing the bugle at him, at which +he turned livid and fell back. He had recognized its soft +cadence. I then hauled the sword from my belt, shook it at +a fly on the wall, which immediately died, and made as if to +do the same at Lohengrin, whereupon he cried for mercy and +fell upon his knees. + +"Turn that infernal thing the other way!" he shrieked. + +"Ah!" said I, lowering my arm. "Then you know its properties?" + +"I do--I do!" he cried. "It used to be mine--I confess it!" + +"Then," said I, calmly putting the horrid bit of zinc back +into my belt, "that's all I wanted to know. If you'll come +up to my office some morning next week I'll introduce you to +your wife," and I turned from him. + +My mission accomplished, I left the festivities and returned +to my quarters where my fair client was awaiting me. + +"Well?" she said. + +"It's all right, Mrs. Lohengrin," I said, and the lady cried +aloud with joy at the name, for it was the very one she had +hoped it would be. "My man turns out to be your man, and I +turn him over therefore to you, only deal gently with him. +He's a pretty decent chap and sings like a bird." + +Whereon I presented her with my bill for 5000 oboli, which +she paid without a murmur, as was entirely proper that she +should, for upon the evidence which I had secured the fair +plaintiff, in the suit for separation of Elsa vs. Lohengrin +on the ground of desertion and non-support, obtained her +decree, with back alimony of twenty-five per cent. of +Lohengrin's income for a trifle over fifteen hundred years. + +How much that amounted to I really do not know, but that it +was a large sum I am sure, for Lohengrin must have been very +wealthy. He couldn't have afforded to dress in solid silver-tinsel +tights if he had been otherwise. I had the tights assayed +before returning them to their owner, and even in a country +where free coinage of tights is looked upon askance they +could not be duplicated for less than $850 at a ratio of +32 to 1. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +GOLF IN HADES + + + + +"Jim," said I to Boswell one morning as the type-writer began +to work, "perhaps you can enlighten me on a point concerning +which a great many people have questioned me recently. Has +golf taken hold of Hades yet? You referred to it some time +ago, and I've been wondering ever since if it had become a +fad with you." + +"Has it?" laughed my visitor; "well, I should rather say it +had. The fact is, it has been a great boon to the country. +You remember my telling you of the projected revolution led +by Cromwell, and Caesar, and the others?" + +"I do, very well," said I, "and I have been intending to ask +you how it came out." + +"Oh, everything's as fine and sweet as can be now," rejoined +Boswell, somewhat gleefully, "and all because of golf. We are +all quiet along the Styx now. All animosities are buried in +the general love of golf, and every one of us, high or low, +autocrat and revolutionist, is hobnobbing away in peace and +happiness on the links. Why, only six weeks ago, Apollyon was +for cooking Bonaparte on a waffle iron, and yesterday the two +went out to the Cimmerian links together and played a mixed +foursome, Bonaparte and Medusa playing against Apollyon and +Delilah." + +"Dear me! Really?" I cried. "That must have been an interesting +match." + +"It was, and up to the very last it was nip-and-tuck between +'em," said Boswell. "Apollyon and Delilah won it with one +hole up, and they got that on the put. They'd have halved the +hole if Medusa's back hair hadn't wiggled loose and bitten her +caddie just as she was holeing out." + +"It is a remarkable game," said I. "There is no sensation in +the world quite equal to that which comes to a man's soul when +he has hit the ball a solid clip and sees it sail off through +the air towards the green, whizzing musically along like a very +bird." + +"True," said Boswell; "but I'm rather of the opinion that it's +a safer game for shades than for you purely material persons." + +"I don't see why," I answered. + +"It is easy to understand," returned Boswell. "For instance, +with us there is no resistance when by a mischance we come +into unexpected contact with the ball. Take the experience of +Diogenes and Solomon at the St. Jonah's Links week before +last. The Wiseman's Handicap was on. Diogenes and Simple +Simon were playing just ahead of Solomon and Montaigne. +Solomon was driving in great form. For the first time in +his life he seemed able to keep his eye on the ball, and the +way he sent it flying through the air was a caution. Diogenes +and Simple Simon had both had their second stroke and Solomon +drove off. His ball sailed straight ahead like a missile from +a catapult, flew in a bee-line for Diogenes, struck him at the +base of his brain, continued on through, and landed on the edge +of the green." + +"Mercy!" I cried. "Didn't it kill him?" + +"Of course not," retorted Boswell. "You can't kill a shade. +Diogenes didn't know he'd been hit, but if that had happened +to one of you material golfers there'd have been a sickening +end to that tournament." + +"There would, indeed," said I. "There isn't much fun in being +hit by a golf-ball. I can testify to that because I have had +the experience," and I called to mind the day at St. Peterkin's +when I unconsciously stymied with my material self the +celebrated Willie McGuffin, the Demon Driver from the Hootmon +Links, Scotland. McGuffin made his mark that day if he never +did before, and I bear the evidence thereof even now, although +the incident took place two years ago, when I did not know +enough to keep out of the way of the player who plays so well +that he thinks he has a perpetual right of way everywhere. + +"What kind of clubs do you Stygians use?" I asked. + +"Oh, very much the same kind that you chaps do," returned +Boswell. "Everybody experiments with new fads, too, just as +you do. Old Peter Stuyvesant, for instance, always drives with +his wooden leg, and never uses anything else unless he gets a +lie where he's got to." + +"His wooden leg?" I roared, with a laugh. "How on earth does +he do that?" + +"He screws the small end of it into a square block shod like a +brassey," explained Boswell, "tees up his ball, goes back ten +yards, makes a run at it and kicks the ball pretty nearly out +of sight. He can put with it too, like a dream, swinging it +sideways." + +"But he doesn't call that golf, does he?" I cried. + +"What is it?" demanded Boswell. + +"I should call it football," I said. + +"Not at all," said Boswell. "Not a bit of it. He hasn't any foot +on that leg, and he has a golf-club head with a shaft to it. There +isn't any rule which says that the shaft shall not look like an +inverted nine-pin, nor do any of the accepted authorities require +that the club shall be manipulated by the arms. I admit it's bad +form the way he plays, but, as Stuyvesant himself says, he never +did travel on his shape." + +"Suppose he gets a cuppy lie?" I asked, very much interested at +the first news from Hades of the famous old Dutchman. + +"Oh, he does one of two things," said Boswell. "He stubs it out +with his toe, or goes back and plays two more. Munchausen plays +a good game too. He beat the colonel forty-seven straight holes +last Wednesday, and all Hades has been talking about it ever since." + +"Who is the colonel?" I asked, innocently. + +"Bogey," returned Boswell. "Didn't you ever hear of Colonel Bogey?" + +"Of course," I replied, "but I always supposed Bogey was an +imaginary opponent, not a real one." + +"So he is," said Boswell. + +"Then you mean--" + +"I mean that Munchausen beat him forty-seven up," said Boswell. + +"Were there any witnesses?" I demanded, for I had little faith in +Munchausen's regard for the eternal verities, among which a +golf-card must be numbered if the game is to survive. + +"Yes, a hundred," said Boswell. "There was only one trouble with +'em." Here the great biographer laughed. "They were all imaginary, +like the colonel." + +"And Munchausen's score?" I queried. + +"The same, naturally. But it makes him king-pin in golf circles +just the same, because nobody can go back on his logic," said +Boswell. "Munchausen reasoned it out very logically indeed, and +largely, he said, to protect his own reputation. Here is an +imaginary warrior, said he, who makes a bully, but wholly +imaginary, score at golf. He sends me an imaginary challenge to +play him forty-seven holes. I accept, not so much because I +consider myself a golfer as because I am an imaginer--if there +is such a word." + +"Ask Dr. Johnson," said I, a little sarcastically. I always grow +sarcastic when golf is mentioned. + +"Dr. Johnson be--" began Boswell. + +"Boswell!" I remonstrated. + +"Dr. Johnson be it, I was about to say," clicked the type-writer, +suavely; but the ink was thick and inclined to spread. "Munchausen +felt that Bogey was encroaching on his preserve as a man with an +imagination." + +"I have always considered Colonel Bogey a liar," said I. "He joins +all the clubs and puts up an ideal score before he has played over +the links." + +"That isn't the point at all," said Boswell. "Golfers don't lie. +Realists don't lie. Nobody in polite--or say, rather, accepted-- +society lies. They all imagine. Munchausen realizes that he has +only one claim to recognition, and that is based entirely upon +his imagination. So when the imaginary Colonel Bogey sent him an +imaginary challenge to play him forty-seven holes at golf--" + +"Why forty-seven?" I asked. + +"An imaginary number," explained Boswell. "Don't interrupt. As I +say, when the imaginary colonel--" + +"I must interrupt," said I. "What was he colonel of?" + +"A regiment of perfect caddies," said Boswell. + +"Ah, I see," I replied. "Imaginary in his command. There isn't +one perfect caddy, much less a regiment of the little reprobates." + +"You are wrong there," said Boswell. "You don't know how to +produce a good caddy--but good caddies can be made." + +"How?" I cried, for I have suffered. "I'll have the plan patented." + +"Take a flexible brassey, and at the ninth hole, if they deserve +it, give them eighteen strokes across the legs with all your +strength," said Boswell. "But, as I said before, don't interrupt. +I haven't much time left to talk with you." + +"But I must ask one more question," I put in, for I was growing +excited over a new idea. "You say give them eighteen strokes +across the legs. Across whose legs?" + +"Yours," replied Boswell. "Just take your caddy up, place him +across your knees, and spank him with your brassey. Spank isn't +a good golf term, but it is good enough for the average caddy; +in fact, it will do him good." + +"Go on," said I, with a mental resolve to adopt his prescription. + +"Well," said Boswell, "Munchausen, having received an imaginary +challenge from an imaginary opponent, accepted. He went out to +the links with an imaginary ball, an imaginary bagful of fanciful +clubs, and licked the imaginary life out of the colonel." + +"Still, I don't see," said I, somewhat jealously, perhaps, "how +that makes him king-pin in golf circles. Where did he play?" + +"On imaginary links," said Boswell. + +"Poh!" I ejaculated. + +"Don't sneer," said Boswell. "You know yourself that the links +you imagine are far better than any others." + +"What is Munchausen's strongest point?" I asked, seeing that +there was no arguing with the man--"driving, approaching, or +putting?" + +"None of the three. He cannot put, he foozles every drive, and at +approaching he's a consummate ass," said Boswell. + +"Then what can he do?" I cried. + +"Count," said Boswell. "Haven't you learned that yet? You can +spend hours learning how to drive, weeks to approach, and months +to put. But if you want to win you must know how to count." + +I was silent, and for the first time in my life I realized that +Munchausen was not so very different from certain golfers I have +met in my short day as a golfiac, and then Boswell put in: + +"You see, it isn't lofting or driving that wins," he continued. +"Cups aren't won on putting or approaching. It's the man who puts +in the best card who becomes the champion." + +"I am afraid you are right," I said, sadly, "but I am sorry to +find that Hades is as badly off as we mortals in that matter." + +"Golf, sir," retorted Boswell, sententiously, "is the same +everywhere, and that which is dome in our world is directly in +line with what is developed in yours." + +"I'm sorry for Hades," said I; "but to continue about golf-- +do the ladies play much on your links?" + +"Well, rather," returned Boswell, "and it's rather amusing to +watch them at it, too. Xanthippe with her Greek clothes finds it +rather difficult; but for rare sport you ought to see Queen +Elizabeth trying to keep her eye on the ball over her ruff! It +really is one of the finest spectacles you ever saw." + +"But why don't they dress properly?" + +"Ah," sighed Boswell, "that is one of the things about Hades that +destroys all the charm of life there. We are but shades." + +"Granted," said I, "but your garments can--" + +"Our garments can't," said Boswell. "Through all eternity we +shades of our former selves are doomed to wear the shadows of our +former clothes." + +"Then what the devil does a poor dress-maker do who goes to Hades?" +I cried. + +"She makes over the things she made before," said Boswell. "That's +why, my dear fellow," the biographer added, becoming confidential-- +"that's why some people confound Hades with--ah--the other place, +don't you know." + +"Still, there's golf!" I said; "and that's a panacea for all ills. +YOU enjoy it, don't you?" + +"Me?" cried Boswell. "Me enjoy it? Not on all the lives in +Christendom. It is the direst drudgery for me." + +"Drudgery?" I said. "Bah! Nonsense, Boswell!" + +"You forget--" he began. + +"Forget? It must be you who forget, if you call golf drudgery." + +"No," sighed the genial spirit. "No, *I* don't forget. I remember." + +"Remember what?" I demanded. + +"That I am Dr. Johnson's caddy!" was the answer. And then came a +heart-rending sigh, and from that time on all was silence. I +repeatedly put questions to the machine, made observations to it, +derided it, insulted it, but there was no response. + +It has so continued to this day, and I can only conclude the story +of my Enchanted Type-writer by saying that I presume golf has taken +the same hold upon Hades that it has upon this world, and that I +need not hope to hear more from that attractive region until the +game has relaxed its grip, which I know can never be. + +Hence let me say to those who have been good enough to follow me +through the realms of the Styx that I bid them an affectionate +farewell and thank them for their kind attention to my chronicles. +They are all truthful; but now that the source of supply is cut +off I cannot prove it. I can only hope that for one and all the +future may hold as much of pleasure as the place of departed +spirits has held for me. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext The Enchanted Typewriter, by Bangs + |