diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29419-8.txt | 13156 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29419-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 195523 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29419-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 201815 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29419-h/29419-h.htm | 12606 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29419.txt | 13156 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 29419.zip | bin | 0 -> 195441 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
9 files changed, 38934 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/29419-8.txt b/29419-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..206a023 --- /dev/null +++ b/29419-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13156 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun;, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun; + containing a collection of over one thousand of the most + laughable sayings and jokes of celebrated wits and + humorists. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 15, 2009 [EBook #29419] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ANECDOTES *** + + + + +Produced by Chuck Greif, Patricia Ann Doyle Saumell and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +THE + +BOOK OF ANECDOTES, + +AND + +BUDGET OF FUN; + +CONTAINING + +A COLLECTION OF OVER + +ONE THOUSAND + +OF THE MOST LAUGHABLE SAYINGS AND JOKES OF CELEBRATED WITS AND +HUMORISTS. + +PHILADELPHIA: +GEO. G. EVANS, PUBLISHER, +NO. 439 CHESTNUT STREET. +1860. + + +Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1859, by +G. G. EVANS +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of +Pennsylvania. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +NOTHING is so well calculated to preserve the healthful action of the +human system as a good, hearty laugh. It is with this indisputable and +important sanitary fact in view, that this collection of anecdotes has +been made. The principle in selecting each of them, has been, not to +inquire if it were odd, rare, curious, or remarkable; but if it were +really funny. Will the anecdote raise a laugh? That was the test +question. If the answer was "Yes," then it was accepted. If "No," then +it was rejected. + +Anything offensive to good taste, good manners, or good morals, was, of +course, out of the question. + + + + +BOOK OF ANECDOTES, + +AND + +BUDGET OF FUN + + + + +LORD MANSFIELD AND HIS COACHMAN. + + +THE following is an anecdote of the late Lord Mansfield, which his +lordship himself told from the bench:--He had turned off his coachman +for certain acts of peculation, not uncommon in this class of persons. +The fellow begged his lordship to give him a character. "What kind of +character can I give you?" says his lordship. "Oh, my lord, any +character your lordship pleases to give me, I shall most thankfully +receive." His lordship accordingly sat down and wrote as follows:--"The +bearer, John ----, has served me three years in the capacity of +coachman. He is an able driver, and a very sober man, I discharged him +because he cheated me."--(Signed) "MANSFIELD." John thanked his +lordship, and went off. A few mornings afterwards, when his lordship was +going through his lobby to step into his coach for Westminster Hall, a +man, in a very handsome livery, made him a low bow. To his surprise he +recognized his late coachman. "Why, John," says his lordship, "you seem +to have got an excellent place; how could you manage this with the +character I gave you?" "Oh! my lord," says John, "it was an exceeding +good character, and I am come to return you thanks for it; my new +master, on reading it, said, he observed your lordship recommended me as +an able driver and a sober man. 'These,' says he, 'are just the +qualities I want in a coachman; I observe his lordship adds he +discharged you because you cheated him. Hark you, sirrah,' says he, 'I'm +a Yorkshireman, and I'll defy you to cheat _me_.'" + + + + +A DISCLAIMER. + + +GENERAL ZAREMBA had a very long Polish name. The king having heard of +it, one day asked him good humouredly, "Pray, Zaremba, what is your +name?" The general repeated to him immediately the whole of his long +name. "Why," said the king, "the devil himself never had such a name." +"I should presume not, Sire," replied the general, "as he was _no +relation of mine_." + + + + +A CONSIDERATE DARKIE. + + +"CÆSAR," said a planter to his negro, "climb up that tree and thin the +branches." The negro showed no disposition to comply, and being pressed +for a reason, answered: "Well, look heah, massa, if I go up dar and fall +down an' broke my neck, dat'll be a thousand dollars out of your pocket. +Now, why don't you hire an Irishman to go up, and den if _he_ falls and +kills himself, dar won't be no loss to nobody?" + + + + +OCULAR DEMONSTRATION. + + +MR. NEWMAN is a famous New England singing-master; _i. e._, a teacher of +vocal music in the rural districts. Stopping over night at the house of +a simple minded old lady, whose grandson and pet, Enoch, was a pupil of +Mr. Newman, he was asked by the lady how Enoch was getting on. He gave a +rather poor account of the boy, and asked his grandmother if she thought +Enoch had any ear for music. + +"Wa'al," said the old woman, "I raaly don't know; won't you just take +the candle and see?" + + + + +A SUFFICIENT REASON. + + +THERE was once a clergyman in New Hampshire, noted for his long sermons +and indolent habits. "How is it," said a man to his neighbour, "Parson +----, the laziest man living, writes these interminable sermons?" "Why," +said the other, "he probably gets to writing and he is too lazy to +stop." + + + + +INCONSIDERATE CLEANLINESS. + + +"BRING in the oysters I told you to open," said the head of a household +growing impatient. "There they are," replied the Irish cook proudly. "It +took me a long time to clean them; but I've done it, and thrown all the +nasty insides into the strate." + + + + +YANKEE THRIFT. + + +QUOTH Patrick of the Yankee: "Bedad, if he was cast away on a dissolute +island, he'd get up the next mornin' an' go around sellin' maps to the +inhabitants." + + + + +SAFE MAN. + + +A POOR son of the Emerald Isle applied for employment to an avaricious +hunks, who told him he employed no Irishmen; "for," said he, "the last +one died on my hands, and I was forced to bury him at my own expense." + +"Ah! your honour," said Pat, brightening up, "and is that all? Then +you'll give me the place, for sure I can get a certificate that I niver +died in the employ of any master I iver sarved." + + + + +A PAIR OF HUSBANDS. + + +A COUNTRY editor perpetrates the following upon the marriage of a Mr. +Husband to the lady of his choice: + +"This case is the strongest we have known in our life; The husband's a +husband, and so is the wife." + + + + +ART CRITICISM. + + +AT a recent exhibition of paintings, a lady and her son were regarding +with much interest, a picture which the catalogue designated as "Luther +at the Diet of Worms." Having descanted at some length upon its merits, +the boy remarked, "Mother, I see Luther and the table, but where are the +worms?" + + + + +CUTTING A SWELL. + + +"A STURDY-LOOKING man in Cleveland, a short time since, while busily +engaged in cow-hiding a dandy, who had insulted his daughter, being +asked what he was doing, replied: "_Cutting a swell_;" and continued his +amusement without further interruption. + + + + +TALLEYRAND. + + +TO a lady who had lost her husband, Talleyrand once addressed a letter +of condolence, in two words: "Oh, madame!" In less than a year, the lady +had married again, and then his letter of congratulation was, "Ah, +madame!" + + + + +THAT'S NOTHING. + + +A MAN, hearing of another who was 100 years old, said contemptuously: +"Pshaw! what a fuss about nothing! Why, if my grandfather was alive he +would be one hundred and fifty years old." + + + + +LARGE POCKET-BOOK. + + +THE most capacious pocket-book on record is the one mentioned by a +coroner's jury in Iowa, thus:--"We find the deceased came to his death +by a visitation of God, and not by the hands of violence. We find upon +the body a pocket-book containing $2, a check on Fletcher's Bank for +$250, and two horses, a wagon, and some butter, eggs, and feathers." + + + + +DEGRADATION. + + +WE once heard of a rich man, who was badly injured by being run over. +"It isn't the accident," said he, "that I mind; that isn't the thing, +but the idea of being run over by an infernal swill-cart makes me mad." + + + + +DEAF TO HIS OWN CALL. + + +A NEW ORLEANS paper states, there is in that city a hog, with his ears +so far back, that he can't hear himself squeal. + + + + +DR. PARR. + + +DR. PARR had a great deal of sensibility. When I read to him, in +Lincoln's Inn Fields, the account of O'Coigly's death, the tears rolled +down his cheeks. + +One day Mackintosh having vexed him, by calling O'Coigly "a rascal," +Parr immediately rejoined, "Yes, Jamie, he was a bad man, but he might +have been worse; he was an Irishman, but he might have been a Scotchman; +he was a priest, but he might have been a lawyer; he was a republican, +but he might have been an apostate." + + + + +GOOD. + + +DURING a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the +monotony of the proceedings: + +Among the witnesses was one, as verdant a specimen of humanity as one +would wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination, the counsel +for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity, and +an ominous shake of the head, exclaimed: + +"Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell a +different story?" + +"A different story from what I have told, sir?" + +"That is what I mean." + +"Yes sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different story +from what I have told, but they couldn't." + +"Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who those persons are." + +"Waal, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them." + +The witness was dismissed, while the judge, jury, and spectators, +indulged in a hearty laugh. + + + + +I'LL VOTE FOR THE OTHER MAN. + + +THE following story is told of a revolutionary soldier who was running +for Congress. + +It appears that he was opposed by a much younger man who had "never been +to the wars," and it was his practice to tell the people of the +hardships he had endured. Says he: + +"Fellow-citizens, I have fought and bled for my country--I helped whip +the British and Indians. I have slept on the field of battle, with no +other covering than the canopy of heaven. I have walked over frozen +ground, till every footstep was marked with blood." + +Just about this time, one of the "sovereigns," who had become very much +affected by this tale of woe, walks up in front of the speaker, wiping +the tears from his eyes with the extremity of his coat-tail, and +interrupting him, says: + +"Did you say that you had fought the British and the Injines?" + +"Yes, sir, I did." + +"Did you say you had followed the enemy of your country over frozen +ground, till every footstep was covered with blood?" + +"Yes!" exultingly replied the speaker. + +"Well, then," says the tearful "sovereign," as he gave a sigh of painful +emotion, "I'll be blamed if I don't think you've done enough for your +country, and I'll vote for the other man!" + + + + +THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE. + + +TAKING shelter from a shower in an umbrella shop. + + + + +DECLINING AN OFFICE. + + +"BEN," said a politician to his companion, "did you know I had declined +the office of Alderman?" + +"_You_ declined the office of Alderman? Was you elected?" + +"O, no." + +"What then? Nominated?" + +"No, but I attended our party caucus last evening, and took an active +part; and when a nominating committee was appointed, and were making up +the list of candidates, I went up to them and begged they would not +nominate me for Alderman, as it would be impossible for me to attend to +the duties?" + +"Show, Jake; what reply did they make?" + +"Why, they said they hadn't thought of such a thing." + + + + +GOOD WITNESSES. + + +AN Attorney before a bench of magistrates, a short time ago, told the +bench, with great gravity, "That he had two witnesses in court, in +behalf of his client, and they would be sure to speak the truth; for he +had had no opportunity to communicate with them!" + + + + +TALLEYRAND'S WIT. + + +"AH! I feel the torments of hell," said a person, whose life had been +supposed to be somewhat of the loosest. "Already?" was the inquiry +suggested to M. Talleyrand. Certainly, it came natural to him. It is, +however, not original; the Cardinal de Retz's physician is said to have +made a similar exclamation on a like occasion. + + + + +A FIGHTING FOWL. + + +DURING Colonel Crockett's first winter in Washington, a caravan of wild +animals was brought to the city and exhibited. Large crowds attended the +exhibition; and, prompted by common curiosity, one evening Colonel +Crockett attended. + +"I had just got in," said he; "the house was very much crowded, and the +first thing I noticed, was two wild cats in a cage. Some acquaintance +asked me if they were like wild cats in the backwoods; and I was looking +at them, when one turned over and died. The keeper ran up and threw some +water on it. Said I, 'Stranger, you are wasting time: my look kills them +things; and you had much better hire me to go out of here, or I will +kill every varmint you've got in the caravan.' While I and he were +talking, the lions began to roar. Said I, 'I won't trouble the American +lion, because he is some kin to me; but turn out the African lion--turn +him out--turn him out--I can whip him for a ten dollar bill, and the +zebra may kick occasionally, during the fight.' This created some fun; +and I then went to another part of the room, where a monkey was riding a +pony. I was looking on, and some member said to me, 'Crockett, don't +that monkey favor General Jackson?' 'No,' said I, 'but I'll tell you who +it does favor. It looks like one of your boarders, Mr. ----, of Ohio.' +There was a loud burst of laughter at my saying so, and, upon turning +round, I saw Mr. ----, of Ohio, within three feet of me. I was in a +right awkward fix; but bowed to the company, and told 'em, I had either +slandered the monkey, or Mr. ----, of Ohio, and if they would tell me +which, I would beg his pardon. The thing passed off, but the next +morning, as I was walking the pavement before my door, a member came to +me and said, 'Crockett, Mr. ----, of Ohio, is going to challenge you.' +Said I, 'Well, tell him I am a fighting fowl. I s'pose if I am +challenged, I have the right to choose my weapons?' 'Oh yes,' said he. +'Then tell him,' said I, 'that I will fight him with bows and arrows.'" + + + + +ELEPHANT. + + +WHEN the great Lord Clive was in India, his sisters sent him some +handsome presents from England; and he informed them by letter, that he +had returned them an "_elephant_;" (at least, so they read the word;) an +announcement which threw them into the utmost perplexity; for what could +they possibly do with the animal? The true word was "equivalent." + + + + +"THE LAST WAR." + + +MR. PITT, once speaking in the House of Commons, in the early part of +his career, of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in +which the colonies were lost, called it "the last war." Several members +cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after, +repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last +war but one--the last war but one." "I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, +turning to the Speaker, and raising his sonorous voice, "I mean, sir, +the last war that Britons would wish to remember." Whereupon the cry was +instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud. + + + + +KISSES. + + +WHEN an impudent fellow attempts to kiss a Tennessee girl, she "cuts +your acquaintance;" all their "divine luxuries are preserved for the lad +of their own choice." When you kiss an Arkansas girl, she hops as high +as a cork out of a champagne bottle, and cries, "Whew, how good!" Catch +an Illinois girl and kiss her, and she'll say, "Quit it now, you know +I'll tell mamma!" A kiss from the girls of old Williamson is a tribute +paid to their beauty, taste, and amiability. It is not _accepted_, +however, until the gallant youth who offers it is _accepted_ as the lord +of their hearts' affections, and firmly united with one, his "chosen +love," beneath the same bright star that rules their destiny for ever. +The common confectionery make-believe kisses, wrapped in paper, with a +verse to sweeten them, won't answer with them. We are certain they +won't, for we once saw such a one handed to a beautiful young lady with +the following:-- + + I'd freely give whole years of bliss, + To gather from thy lips one kiss. + +To which the following prompt and neat response was immediately +returned:-- + + Young men present these to their favourite Miss, + And think by such means to entrap her; + But la! they ne'er catch us with this kind of kiss, + The right kind hain't got any wrapper. + +If you kiss a Mississippian gal she'll flare-up like a scorched feather, +and return the compliment by bruising your sky-lights, or may-be giving +the _quid pro quo_ in the shape of a blunder-_buss_. Baltimore girls, +more beautiful than any in the world, all meet you with a half-smiling, +half-saucy, come-kiss-me-if-you-dare kind of a look, but you must be +careful of the first essay. After that no difficulty will arise, unless +you be caught attempting to kiss another--then look out for thundergust. +When a Broome girl gets a _smack_, she exclaims, "If it was anybody else +but you, I'd make a fuss about it." + + + + +AMERICAN WONDERS. + + +"SHE be a pretty craft, that little thing of yours," observed old Tom. +"How long may she take to make the run?" "How long? I expect in just no +time; and she'd go as fast again, only she won't wait for the breeze to +come up with her." "Why don't you heave to for it?" said young Tom. +"Lose too much time, I guess. I have been chased by an easterly wind all +the way from your Land's-end to our Narrows, and it never could overhaul +me." "And I presume the porpusses give it up in despair, don't they?" +replied old Tom with a leer; "and yet I've seen the creatures playing +before the bows of an English frigate at her speed, and laughing at +her." "They never play their tricks with me, old snapper; if they do, I +cut them in halves, and a-starn they go, head part floating one side, +and tail part on the other." "But don't they join together again when +they meet in your wake?" inquired Tom. "Shouldn't wonder," replied the +American Captain. "My little craft upset with me one night, in a pretty +considerable heavy gale; but she's smart, and came up again on the other +side in a moment, all right as before. Never should have known anything +about it, if the man at the wheel had not found his jacket wet, and the +men below had a round turn in all the clues of their hammocks." "After +that round turn, you may belay," cried Tom laughing. "Yes, but don't +let's have a stopper over all, Tom," replied his father. "I consider all +this excessively diverting. Pray, Captain, does everything else go fast +in the new country?" "Everything with us clear, slick, I guess." "What +sort of horses have you in America?" inquired I. "Our Kentuck horses, +I've a notion, would surprise you. They're almighty goers at a trot, +beat a N. W. gale of wind. I once took an Englishman with me in a gig up +Alabama country, and he says, 'What's this great church yard we are +passing through?' 'Stranger,' says I, 'I calculate it's nothing but the +mile-stones we are passing so slick.' But I once had a horse, who, I +expect, was a deal quicker than that; I once seed a flash of lightning +chase him for half an hour round the clearance, and I guess it couldn't +catch him." + + + + +NO HARM. + + +"MOTHER," said a little fellow the other day, "is there any harm in +breaking egg shells?" "Certainly not, my dear, but why do you ask?" +"Cause I dropt the basket jist now, and see what a mess I'm in with the +yolk." + + + + +TAKEN DOWN A PEG. + + +AN Irishman, observing a dandy taking his usual strut in Broadway, +stepped up to him and inquired: + +"How much do you ax for thim houses?" + +"What do you ask me that for?" + +"Faith, an' I thought the whole strate belonged to ye," replied the +Irishman. + + + + +DUTCH MARRIAGE. + + +AN old Dutch farmer, just arrived at the dignity of justice of the +peace, had his first marriage case. He did it up in this way. He first +said to the man: "Vell, you vants to be marrit, do you? Vell, you lovesh +dis voman so goot as any voman you have ever seen?" "Yes," answered the +man. Then to the woman: "Vell, do you love dis man so better as any man +you have ever seen?" She hesitated a little, and he repeated: "Vell, +vell, do you like him so vell as to be his vife?" "Yes, yes," she +answered. "Vell, dat ish all any reasonable man can expect. So you are +marrit; I pronounce you man and vife." The man asked the justice what +was to pay. "Nothing at all, nothing at all; you are velcome to it if it +vill do you any good." + + + + +SAVE THE MATERIAL. + + +A RICH old farmer at Crowle, near Bantry, England, speaking to a +neighbour about the "larning" of his nephew, said:--"Why I shud a made +Tom a lawyer, I think, but he was sich a good hand to hold a plough that +I thought 'twere a pity to spoil a good ploughboy." + + + + +BE DISCREET. + + +IF your sister, while tenderly engaged in a tender conversation with her +tender sweetheart, asks you to bring a glass of water from an adjoining +room, you can start on the errand, but you need not return. You will not +be missed--that's certain; we've seen it tried. Don't forget this, +little boys. + + + + +TRAVELER'S TALE. + + +A TRAVELER, relating his adventures, told the company that he and his +servant had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed +that there was no great matter in it--"for," said he, "we ran, and they +ran after us." + + + + +AN OPINION. + + +A TIPSY Irishman, leaning against a lamp post as a funeral was passing +by, was asked who was dead. "I can't exactly say, sir," said he, "but I +presume it's the gentleman in the coffin." + + + + +GARRICK. + + +A CERTAIN lord wished Garrick to be a candidate for the representation +of a borough in parliament. "No, my lord," said the actor, "I would +rather play the part of a great man on the stage than the part of a fool +in parliament." + + + + +JONATHAN'S LAST. + + +THE people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so old +that they have quite forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive +who can remember it for them. + + + + +METAPHYSICS. + + +A SCOTCH blacksmith, being asked the meaning of metaphysics, explained +it as follows:--"When the party who listens disna ken what the party who +speaks means, and when the party who speaks disna ken what he means +himsel'--that is metaphysics." + + + + +FORENSIC ELOQUENCE. + + +THE _Wheeling Gazette_ gives the following, as an extract from the +recent address of a barrister "out west," to a jury:--"The law expressly +declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of Shakspeare, that where +no doubt exists of the guilt of the prisoner, it is your duty to fetch +him in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of my +client, gentlemen, you will have the honor of making a friend of him, +and all his relations; and you can allers look upon this occasion, and +reflect with pleasure, that you have done as you would be done by. But +if, on the other hand, you disregard the principle of law, and set at +nought my eloquent remarks, and fetch him in guilty, the silent twitches +of conscience will follow you over every fair cornfield, I reckon; and +my injured and down-trodden client will be apt to light on you one of +these dark nights, _as my cat lights on a sasserful of new milk_." + + + + +A DEFINITION IN POLITICAL ECONOMY. + + +"WILL you never learn, my dear, the difference between real and +exchangeable value?" The question was put to a husband, who had been +lucky enough to be tied up to a political economist in petticoats. "Oh +yes, my dear, I think I begin to see." "Indeed!" responded the lady. +"Yes," replied the husband. "For instance, my dear, I know your deep +learning, and all your other virtues. That's your _real_ value. But I +know, also, that none of my married friends would swap wives with me. +That's your _exchangeable_ value. + + + + +COULDN'T UNDERSTAND. + + +"AH, Pat, Pat," said a schoolmistress to a thick-headed urchin into +whose muddy brain she was attempting to beat the alphabet--"I'm afraid +you'll never learn anything. Now, what's that letter, eh?" + +"Sure, and I don't know ma'am," replied Pat. + +"Thought you might have remembered that." + +"Why, ma'am?" + +"Because it has a dot over the top of it." + +"Och, ma'am, I mind it well; but sure I thought it was a speck." + +"Well, now remember, Pat, it's I." + +"You, ma'am?" + +"No! no! not U but I." + +"Not I, but you, ma'am--how's that?" + +"Not U, but I, blockhead!" + +"Och, yis, faith; now I have it, ma'am. You mean to say, that not I but +you are a blockhead?" + +"Fool! fool!" exclaimed the pedagoguess bursting with rage. + +"Just as you please," quietly responded Pat, "fool or blockhead--it's no +matter, so long as yer free to own it!" + + + + +GREAT CALF. + + +AT a cattle show, recently, a fellow who was making himself ridiculously +conspicuous, at last broke forth--"Call these ere prize cattle? Why, +they ain't nothin' to what our folks raised. My father raised the +biggest calf of any man round our parts." + +"I don't doubt it," remarked a bystander, "and the noisiest." + + + + +GO IN AND WIN. + + +"MA, I am going to make some soft soap, for the Fair this fall!" said a +beautiful Miss of seventeen, to her mother, the other day. + +"What put that notion into your head, Sally?" + +"Why, ma, the premium is just what I have been wanting." + +"Pray, what is it?" + +"A 'Westchester Farmer,' I hope he will be a good looking one!" + + + + +NOT HERE. + + +A CORRESPONDENT from Northampton, Mass., is responsible for the +following:--"A subscriber to a moral-reform paper, called at our post +office, the other day, and enquired if _The Friend of Virtue_ had come. +"No," replied the postmaster, "there has been no such person here for a +long time." + + + + +GENTLEMEN AND THEIR DEBTS. + + +THE late Rev. Dr. Sutton, Vicar of Sheffield, once said to the late Mr. +Peach, a veterionary surgeon, "Mr. Peach, how is it you have not called +upon me for your account?" + +"Oh," said Mr. Peach, "I never ask a gentleman for money." + +"Indeed!" said the Vicar, "then how do you get on if he don't pay?" + +"Why," replied Mr. Peach, "after a certain time I conclude that he is +not a gentleman, and then I ask him." + + + + +CHARLES JAMES FOX AND HIS FRIEND. + + +I SAW Lunardi make the first ascent in a balloon, which had been +witnessed in England. It was from the Artillery ground. Fox was there +with his brother, General F. The crowd was immense. Fox, happening to +put his hand down to his watch, found another hand upon it, which he +immediately seized. "My friend," said he to the owner of the strange +hand, "you have chosen an occupation which wilt be your ruin at last." +"O Mr. Fox," was the reply, "forgive me, and let me go! I have been +driven to this course by necessity alone; my wife and children are +starving at home." Fox, always tender-hearted, slipped a guinea into the +hand, and then released it. On the conclusion of the show, Fox was +proceeding to look what o'clock it was. "Good God!" cried he, "my watch +is gone!" "Yes," answered General F., "I know it is; I saw your friend +take it." "Saw him take it! and you made no attempt to stop him?" +"Really, you and he appeared to be on such good terms with each other, +that I did not choose to interfere."--_Rogers' Table-talk._ + + + + +MINISTERIAL DRINKING. + + +STOTHARD the painter happened to be, one evening, at an inn on the Kent +Road, when Pitt and Dundas put up there on their way from Walmer. Next +morning, as they were stepping into their carriage, the waiter said to +Stothard, "Sir, do you observe these two gentlemen?" "Yes," he replied; +"and I know them to be Mr. Pitt and Mr. Dundas." "Well, sir, how much +wine do you suppose they drank last night?"--Stothard could not +guess.--"Seven bottles, sir." + + + + +PARR AND ERSKINE. + + +DR. PARR and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their +time. At a dinner some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasies with the +conversational powers of Lord Erskine, called out to him, though his +junior, "My Lord, I mean to write your epitaph." "Dr. Parr," replied the +noble lawyer, "it is a temptation to commit suicide." + + + + +SENATORIAL PECULIARITY. + + +A FEW days since, says the _New York Courier_, Mr. Wise appealed to the +Speaker of the House of Representatives for protection against Mr. +Adams, who, he alleged, was "_making mouths at him_." Precisely the same +complaint was subsequently made by a gentleman from Massachusetts, +against Mr. Marshall of Kentucky; but the latter gentleman defended +himself by saying, "It was only a _peculiar mode he had of chewing his +tobacco_." + + + + +FAMILY FLEAS. + + +WHEN the late Lord Erskine, then going the circuit, was asked by his +landlord how he slept, he replied, "Union is strength; a fact of which +some of your inmates seem to be unaware; for had they been unanimous +last night, they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!" exclaimed +Boniface, affecting great astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a +single one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted his +lordship, "they are all married, and have uncommonly large families." + + + + +PULPIT PLEASANTRY. + + +ONE day, Naisr-ed-din ascended the pulpit of the Mosque, and thus +addressed the congregation:--"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am +going to say to you?" "No," responded the congregation. "Well, then," +said he, "there is no use in my speaking to you." And he came down from +the pulpit. He went to preach a second time, and asked the congregation, +"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am going to say to you?" "We +know," replied the audience. "Ah, as you know," said he, quitting the +pulpit, "why should I take the trouble of telling you?" When next he +came to preach, the congregation resolved to try his powers; and when he +asked his usual question, replied, "Some of us know, and some of us do +not know." "Very well," said he, "let those who know, tell those who do +not know."--_Turkish Jest-book._ + + + + +AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND. + + +THE other day, Mrs. Snipkins being unwell, sent for a medical man, and +declared that she was poisoned, and that Mr. Snipkins did it. "I didn't +do it," shouted Snipkins. "It's all gammon; she isn't poisoned. Prove +it, doctor--open her on the spot--I'm willing." + + + + +BRUMMELL. + + +"MAY I help you to some beef?" said the master of the house to the late +Mr. Brummell. "I never eat beef, nor horse, nor anything of that sort," +answered the astonished and indignant epicure. + + + + +BATHOS. + + +SOME years ago, during a discussion respecting the Bank of Waterford, an +Honourable Member said, "I conjure the Right Honourable the Chancellor +of the Exchequer to pause in his dangerous career, and desist from a +course only calculated to inflict innumerable calamities on my +country--to convulse the entire system of society with anarchy and +revolution--to shake the very pillars of civil government itself--and to +cause _a fall in the price of butter in Waterford_." + + + + +DANGEROUS VISITS. + + +A PERSON who was recently called into court, for the purpose of proving +the correctness of a doctor's bill, was asked by the lawyer whether the +doctor did not make several visits after the patient was out of danger? +"No," replied the witness, "I considered the patient in danger as long +as the doctor continued his visits!" + + + + +NONSENSE. + + +BEING asked to give a definition of nonsense, Dr. Johnson replied, "Sir, +it is nonsense to bolt a door with a boiled carrot." + + + + +CONCEIT. + + +I BELIEVE every created crittur in the world thinks that he's the most +entertainin' one on it, and that there's no gettin' on anyhow without +him. _Consait grows as natural as the hair on one's head, but is longer +in comin' out._--_Sam Slick's Wise Saws._ + + + + +KISSING BY PROXY. + + +ONE of the deacons of a certain church asked the bishop if he usually +kissed the bride at weddings. + +"Always," was the reply. + +"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next +question. + +"In all such cases," replied the bishop, "the duty of kissing is +appointed to the deacons!" + + + + +A BARGAIN. + + +"I RECKON I couldn't drive a trade with you to-day, squire?" said a +genuine specimen of a Yankee pedler, as he stood at the door of a +certain merchant in St. Louis. + +"I reckon you calculate about right, for you can't," was the sneering +reply. + +"Wall, I guess you needn't get huffy 'bout it. Now here's a dozen +ginooine razer strops--worth two dollars and a half; you may have 'em +for two dollars." + +"I tell you I don't want any of your strops--so you may as well be going +along." + +"Wall, now, look here, squire, I'll bet you five dollars, that if you +make me an offer for them 'ere strops, we'll have a trade yet!" + +"Done!" replied the merchant, placing the money in the hands of a +bystander. The Yankee deposited a like sum. + +"Now," said the merchant, "I'll give you a picayune for the strops." + +"They're yourn," said the Yankee, as he quietly pocketed the stakes. + +"But," said he, after a little reflection, and with great apparent +honesty, "I'll trade back." + +The merchant's countenance brightened. + +"You are not so bad a chap, after all," said he. "Here are your +strops--give me the money." + +"There it is," said the Yankee, as he received the strops and passed +over the sixpence. "A trade is a trade; and, now you are wide awake, the +next time you trade with that 'ere sixpence you'll do a little better +than buy razer strops." + +And away walked the pedler with his strops and his wager, amidst the +shouts of the laughing crowd. + + + + +CONUNDRUMS. + + +WHAT is the difference between a big man and a little man?--One is a +tall fellow and the other not at all. + +Why is a betting-list keeper like a bride?--Because he's taken for +better or worse. + +Why is a person asking questions the strangest of all +individuals?--Because he's the querist. + +Why is a thief called a "jail-bird?"--Because he has been a "robbin." + +Why should an editor look upon it as ominous when a correspondent signs +himself "Nemo?"--Because there is an omen in the very letters. + + + + +READY REPLY. + + +A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a somewhat knowing manner, "Pray, sir, +did you ever see a cat-fish?" "No," was the response, "but I've seen a +rope walk." + + + + +A YANKEE PRAYER. + + +IN the State of Ohio, there resided a family, consisting of an old man, +of the name of Beaver, and his three sons, all of whom were hard "pets," +who had often laughed to scorn the advice and entreaties of a pious, +though very eccentric, minister, who resided in the same town. It +happened one of the boys was bitten by a rattlesnake, and was expected +to die, when the minister was sent for in great haste. On his arrival, +he found the young man very penitent, and anxious to be prayed with. The +minister calling on the family, knelt down, and prayed in this wise:--"O +Lord! we thank thee for rattlesnakes. We thank thee because a +rattlesnake has bit Jim. We pray thee send a rattlesnake to bite John; +send one to bite Bill; send one to bite Sam; and, O Lord! send the +biggest kind of a rattlesnake to bite the old man; for nothing but +rattlesnakes will ever bring the Beaver family to repentance." + + + + +CHIEF JUSTICE BUSHE. + + +COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) Bushe, being asked which of Mr. +Power's company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The +prompter; for I heard the most, and saw the least of him." + + + + +PRESENCE OF MIND. + + +I ONCE observed to a Scotch lady, "how desirable it was in any danger +_to have presence of mind_." "I had rather," she rejoined, "_have +absence of body_."--_Rogers' Table-talk._ + + + + +GLORY WITHOUT DANGER. + + +A MAN hearing the drum beat up for volunteers for France, in the +expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and +thereupon enlisted himself; returning again, he was asked by his +friends, "what exploits he had performed there?" He said, "that he had +cut off one of the enemy's legs;" and being told that it would have been +more honorable and manly to have cut off his head, said, "Oh! you must +know his head was cut off before." + + + + +LORD CHESTERFIELD. + + +WITTICISMS are often attributed to the wrong people. It was Lord +Chesterfield, not Sheridan, who said, on occasion of a certain marriage, +that "Nobody's son had married Everybody's daughter." + +Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a minuet, that "they +looked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being paid." + + + + +UNANIMITY. + + +A SCOTCH parson, in his prayer, said, "Lord, bless the grand council, +the parliament, and grant that they may hang together." A country fellow +standing by, replied, "Yes, sir, with all my heart, and the sooner the +better--and I am sure it is the prayer of all good people." "But, +friends," said the parson, "I don't mean as that fellow does, but pray +they may all hang together in accord and concord." "No matter what +cord," replied the other, "so 'tis but a strong one." + + + + +SIMPLICITY. + + +THE Bishop of Oxford, having sent round to the churchwardens in his +diocese a circular of inquiries, among which was:--"Does your +officiating clergyman preach the gospel, and is his conversation and +carriage consistent therewith?" The churchwarden near Wallingford +replied:--"He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage." + + + + +PATRIOTISM AND LIBERALITY. + + +A LADY solicitor for the Mount Vernon fund visited one of the schools in +Boston, says the Bee, to collect offerings from the children. On the +dismission of the school, one of the boys went home, and said to his +father--"Papa! General Washington's wife came to our school to-day, +trying to raise some money to buy a graveyard for him where he's buried, +and I want a dime to put into the contribution-box." In an ecstasy of +patriotism the gentleman contributed. + + + + +SHERIDAN. + + +SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of +Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the +debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished +to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed +he, with great emphasis, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a +more knavish fool than he?" "Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome +member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt +information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter. + + + + +THE WAY TO WIN A KISS. + + +THE late Mr. Bush used to tell a story of a brother barrister:--As the +coach was about starting, before breakfast, the modest limb of the law +approached the landlady, a pretty Quakeress, who was seated near the +fire, and said he "could not think of going without giving her a kiss." +"Friend," said she, "thee must not do it." "Oh! by heavens, I will!" +replied the barrister. "Well, friend, as thou hast sworn, thee may do +it; but thee must not make a practice of it." + + + + +A BUTCHER'S COMPLIMENT. + + +IN the Bristol market, a lady laying her hand on a joint of veal, said, +"I think, Mr. F., this veal is not quite so white as usual." "Put on +your _glove_, madam," replied the dealer, "and you will think +differently." It may be needless to remark, that the veal was ordered +home without another word of objection. + + + + +DRUNKENNESS. + + +A GENTLEMAN finding his servant intoxicated, said--"What, drunk again, +Sam! I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you are drunk +again." "No, massa, same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied Sambo. + + + + +CAN'T BE BEAT. + + +A LIVELY Hibernian exclaimed, at a party where Theodore Hook shone as +the evening star, "Och, Master Theodore, but you're the hook that nobody +can bait." + + + + +MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S LETTER FROM PARIS.[*] + + +_Paris, December 10th, 1823._ + +MY DEAR MR. BULL,--Having often heard travelers lament not having put +down what they call _memorybillious_ of their journies, I was determined +while I was on my _tower_, to keep a _dairy_ (so called from containing +the cream of one's information), and record everything which recurred to +me--therefore I begin with my departure from London. + +Resolving to take time by the _firelock_, we left Montague Place at 7 +o'clock by Mr. Fulmer's pocket thermometer, and proceeded over +Westminister Bridge to _explode_ the European Continent. I never pass +Whitehall without dropping a tear to the memory of Charles the Second, +who was decimated, after the rebellion of 1745, opposite the Horse +Guards--his memorable speech to Archbishop Caxon rings in my ears +whenever I pass the spot. I reverted my head and affected to look to see +what o'clock it was by the dial, on the opposite side of the way. It is +quite impossible not to notice the improvements in this part of the +town, the beautiful view which one gets of Westminster Hall and its +curious roof, after which, as everybody knows, its builder was called +William Roofus. + +Amongst the lighter specimens of modern architecture is Ashley's +_ampletheatre_, on your right, as you cross the bridge (which was built, +Mr. Fulmer informed me, by the Court of Arches and House of Peers). In +this ampletheatre there are Equestrian performances, so called because +they are exhibited _nightly_ during the season. + +The toll at the Marsh Gate is _ris_ since we last came through--it was +here we were to have taken up Lavinia's friend, Mr. Smith, who has +promised to go with us to Dover--but we found his servant instead of +himself with a _billy_, to say he was sorry he could not come, because +his friend, Sir John Somebody, wished him to stay and go down to _Poll_ +at Lincoln. I have no doubt that this _Poll_, whoever she may be, is a +very respectable young woman, but mentioning her by her Christian name +only in so abrupt a manner had a very unpleasant appearance at any rate. +Nothing remarkable occurred till we reached the _Obstacle_ in St. +George's Fields, where our attention was arrested by those great +Institutions--the school for the _Indignant_ Blind, and the +_Misanthropic_ Society for making shoes, both of which claim the +gratitude of the nation. At the bottom of the lane, leading to Peckham, +I saw that they had removed the _Dollygraph_ which used to stand upon +the declivity to the right of the road--the Dollygraphs are all to be +superseded by _Serampores_. + +When we came to the Green Man at Blackheath, we had an opportunity of +noticing the errors of former travellers, for the heath is green and the +man is black. Mr. Fulmer endeavoured to account for this, by saying, +that Mr. Colman has discovered that Moors being black, and heaths being +a kind of moor, he looks upon the confusion of words as the cause of the +mistake. N. B.--Mr. Colman is the _itinerary_ surgeon, who constantly +resides at St. Pancras. As we went near Woolwich, we saw at a distance +the Artillery Officers on a common, a firing away in mortars like +anything. At Dartford they make gunpowder--here we changed horses. At +the inn we saw a most beautiful _Roderick Random_ in a pot covered with +flowers--it is the finest I ever saw, except those at Dropmore. When we +got to Rochester, we went to the Crown Inn and had a cold +_collection_--the charge was _absorbant_. I had often heard my poor dear +husband talk of the influence of the Crown, and the Bill of _Wrights_, +but I had no idea what it really meant, till we had to pay one. + +As we passed near Chatham, I saw several _Pitts_, and Mr. Fulmer shewed +me a great many buildings--I believe he said they were _fortyfications_, +but I think there must have been fifty of them; he also showed me the +Lines at Chatham, which I saw quite distinctly, with the clothes drying +on them. Rochester was remarkable in King Charles's time, for being a +very witty and dissolute place, as I have read in books. + +At Canterbury, we stopped ten minutes to visit all the remarkable +buildings and curiosities in it, and about its neighborhood; the church +is most beautiful. When Oliver Cromwell conquered William the Third, he +_perverted_ it into a stable--the stalls are now standing. The old +_Virgin_, who shewed us the church, wore buckskin _breaches and +powder_--he said it was an archypiscopal sea--but I saw no sea, nor do I +think it possible he could see it either, for it is at least seventeen +miles off. We saw Mr. Thomas à Beckett's tomb--my poor husband was +extremely intimate with the old gentleman, and one of his nephews, a +very nice young man, who lives near Golden Square, dined with us twice, +I think, in London. In Trinity Chapel is the monument of Eau de Cologne, +just as it is now exhibiting at the _Diarrhoea_ in the Regent's Park. +It was late when we got to Dover. We walked about while our dinner was +preparing, looking forward to our snug tête-à-tête of three. We went to +look at the sea--so called, perhaps, from the uninterrupted view one has +when upon it. It was very curious to see the locks to keep the water +here, and the _keys_ which are on each side of them, all ready, I +suppose, to open them if they are wanted. We were awake with the owl +next morning, and a walking away before eight, we went to see the +castle,--which was built, the man told us, by Seizer, so called, I +conclude, from seizing everything he could lay his hands upon. The man +said moreover that he had invaded Britain and conquered it, upon which I +told him, that if he repeated such a thing in my presence again, I +should write to the Government about him. We saw the inn where Alexander +the _Autograph_ of all the Russians lived when he was here--and as we +were going along, we met twenty or thirty dragons mounted on horses, and +the ensign who commanded them was a friend of Mr. Fulmer's--he looked at +Lavinia and seemed pleased with her _Tooting assembly_--he was quite a +"sine qua non" of a man, and wore tips on his lips, like Lady Hopkins' +poodle. I heard Mr. Fulmer say he was a son of _Marrs_; he spoke as if +everybody knew his father, so I suppose he must be the son of the poor +gentleman who was so barbarously murdered some years ago, near Ratcliff +Highway--if he is, he is uncommon genteel. At 12 o'clock we got into a +boat and rowed to the packet; it was a very fine and clear day for the +season, and Mr. Fulmer said he should not dislike pulling Lavinia about +all the morning--this, I believe, was a _naughty-call_ phrase--which I +did not rightly comprehend, because Mr. F. never offered to talk in that +way on shore to either of us. The packet is not a _parcel_, as I +imagined, in which we were to be made up for exportation, but a boat of +very considerable size; it is called a cutter--why I do not know, and +did not like to ask. It was very curious to see how it rolled +about--however I felt quite mal-á-propos--and instead of exciting any of +the soft sensibility of the other sex, a great unruly man, who held the +handle of the ship, bid me lay hold of a companion, and when I sought +his arm for protection, he introduced me to a ladder, down which I +_ascended_ into the cabin, one of the most curious places I ever +beheld--where ladies and gentlemen are put upon shelves like books in a +library, and where tall men are doubled up like bootjacks, before they +can be put away at all. A gentleman in a heavy cap without his coat laid +me perpendicular on a mattrass, with a basin by my side, and said that +was my birth. I thought it would have been my death, for I never was so +ill-disposed in all my life. I behaved extremely ill to a very amiable +middle-aged gentleman, who had the misfortune to be attending on his +wife, in a little bed under me. There was no _symphony_ to be found +among the tars (so called from their smell), for just before we went off +I heard them throw a painter overboard, and directly after they called +out to one another to hoist up the ensign. I was too ill to inquire what +the poor young gentleman had done; but after I came up stairs, I did not +see his body hanging anywhere, so I conclude they cut him down--I hope +it was not young Mr. Marr, a venturing after my Lavy. I was quite +shocked to find what democrats the sailors are--they seem to hate the +nobility--especially the law lords. The way I discovered this _apathy_ +of theirs to the nobility, was this--the very moment we lost sight of +England and were close to France, they began, one and all, to swear +first at the Peer, and then at the Bar, in such gross terms as made my +very blood run cold. I was quite pleased to see Lavinia sitting with Mr. +Fulmer in the traveling carriage on the outside of the packet; but +Lavinia afforded great proofs of her good bringing up, by commanding her +feelings. It is curious what could have agitated the _billy ducks_ of +my stomach, because I took every precaution which is recommended in +different books to prevent ill-disposition. I had some mutton chops at +breakfast, some Scotch marmalade on bread and butter, two eggs, two cups +of coffee, and three of tea, besides toast, a little fried whiting, some +potted char, and a few shrimps, and after breakfast I took a glass of +warm white wine negus and a few oysters, which lasted me till we got +into the boat, where I began eating gingerbread nuts all the way to the +packet, and there was persuaded to take a glass of bottled porter to +keep everything snug and comfortable. + +Adieu, + +Yours truly, +DOROTHEA JULIA RAMSBOTTOM. + +[*] This jeu d'esprit is attributed to Theodore Hook. + + + + +VERY BUSY. + + +SOME one asked a lad how it was he was so short for his age? He replied, +"Father keeps me so busy I haint time to grow." + + + + +JOHN BULL. + + +THE English are a calm, reflecting people; they will give time and money +when they are convinced; but they love dates, names, and certificates. +In the midst of the most heart-rending narratives, Bull requires the day +of the month, the year of our Lord, the name of the parish, and the +countersign of three or four respectable householders. After these +affecting circumstances, he can no longer hold out; but gives way to the +kindness of his nature--puffs, blubbers, and subscribes!--_Sydney +Smith._ + + + + +YANKEE INGENUITY. + + +IN some of our towns we don't allow smokin' in the streets, though most +of them we do, and where it is agin law, it is two dollars fine in a +gineral way. Well, Sassy went down to Boston, to do a little chore of +business there, where this law was, only he didn't know it. So, soon as +he gets off the coach, he outs with his case, takes a cigar, lights it, +and walks on, smoking like a furnace flue. No sooner said than done. Up +steps a constable and says, "I'll trouble you for two dollars for +smokin' agin law, in the streets." Sassy was as quick as wink on him. +"Smokin'!" says he; "I warn't a smokin'." "O, my!" says constable, "how +you talk, man! I won't say you lie, 'cause it aint polite, but it's very +like the way I talk when I fib. Didn't I see you with my own eyes?" +"No," says Sassy, "you didn't. It don't do always to believe your own +eyes, they can't be depended on more than other people's. I never trust +mine, I can assure you. I own I had a cigar in my mouth, but it was +because I liked the flavor of tobacco, but not to smoke. I take it don't +convene with the dignity of a free and enlightened citizen of our +almighty nation, to break the law, seein' that he makes the law himself, +and is his own sovereign, and his own subject, too. No, I warn't +smokin', and if you don't believe me, try this cigar yourself, and see +if it aint so. It han't got no fire in it." Well, constable takes the +cigar, puts it into his mug, and draws away at it, and out comes the +smoke like anythin'. "I'll trouble _you_ for two dollars, Mr. High +Sheriff's representative," says Sassy, "for smokin' in the streets; do +you underconstand, my old coon?" Well, constable was taken all aback; he +was finely bit. "Stranger," says he, "where was you raised?" "To Canady +line," says Sassy. "Well," says he, "you're a credit to your broughtens +up. We'll let the fine drop, for we are about even, I guess. Let's +liquor," and he took him into a bar and treated him to a mint julep. It +was generally considered a great bite, that, and I must say, I don't +think it was bad--do you?--_Sam Slick._ + + + + +COMFORTABLE. + + +THEODORE HOOK, when surprised, one evening, in his arm-chair, two or +three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologised, by saying: +"When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round so often." It was Sir +Hercules Langrishe, who, being asked, on a similar occasion, "Have you +finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, +"No, not quite that; I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira." + + + + +HORNE TOOKE. + + +WHEN Horne Tooke was at school, the boys asked him "what his father +was?" Tooke answered, "A Turkey merchant." (He was a poulterer.) + +He once said to his brother, a pompous man, "You and I have reversed the +natural course of things; you have risen by your gravity; I have sunk by +my levity." + +To Judge Ashhurst's remark, that the law was open to all, both to the +rich and to the poor, Tooke replied, "So is the London tavern." + +He said that Hume wrote his history, as witches say their +prayers--backwards. + + + + +LAMB AND ERSKINE. + + +COUNSELLOR Lamb, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his +reputation, was of timid manners and nervous disposition, usually +prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one +occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark +that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older." "No +wonder," replied the witty, but relentless barrister; "every one knows +the older a _lamb_ grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes." + + + + +THE TRUTH TOLD BY MISTAKE. + + +I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of +the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth:--"We are +come," said he, "for your good--for _all_ your _goods_." "A universal +principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other +truths, only told by mistake."--_Ethel Churchill._ + + + + +TALLEYRAND'S WIT. + + +TALLEYRAND being asked, if a certain authoress, whom he had long since +known, but who belonged rather to the last age, was not "a little +tiresome?" "Not at all," said he, "she was perfectly tiresome." + +A gentleman in company was one day making a somewhat zealous eulogy of +his mother's beauty, dwelling upon the topic at uncalled for length--he +himself having certainly inherited no portion of that kind under the +marriage of his parents. "It was your father, then, apparently, who may +not have been very well favoured," was Talleyrand's remark, which at +once released the circle from the subject. + +When Madame de Staël published her celebrated novel of _Delphine_, she +was supposed to have painted herself in the person of the heroine, and +M. Talleyrand in that of an elderly lady, who is one of the principal +characters. "They tell me," said he, the first time he met her, "that we +are both of us in your novel, in the disguise of women." + +Rulhières, the celebrated author of the work on the Polish revolution, +having said, "I never did but one mischievous work in my life." "And +when will it be ended?" was Talleyrand's reply. + +"Is not Geneva dull?" asked a friend of Talleyrand. "Especially when +they amuse themselves," was the reply. + +"She is insupportable," said Talleyrand, with marked emphasis, of one +well known; but, as if he had gone too far, and to take off something of +what he had said, he added, "it is her only defect." + + + + +BUSSING. + + +BUSS--to kiss. Re-bus--to kiss again. Blunder-buss--two girls kissing +each other. Omni-bus--to kiss all the girls in the room. Bus-ter--a +general kisser. _E pluri_-bus _unum_--a thousand kisses in one. + + + + +WANTED. + + +"YOU want a flogging, that's what you do;" said a parent to his unruly +son. "I know it, dad; but I'll try to get along without it," replied the +brat. + + + + +NATIONAL SCHOOL SCENES. + + +The following anecdotes were told by the late Bishop of Chichester, as +having occurred to himself. + +AT the annual examination of the Charity Schools, around the city of +Chichester, he was seated in the front row of the school room, together +with his daughters, and the family of the noble house of Richmond, when +the Bishop kindly took part in the examination, and put several +questions. To one boy, he said, "We have all sinned and come short of +the glory of God. Now, does that passage mean that _every one_ of us has +sinned?" The boy hesitated--but upon a repetition of the question, the +lad replied, "Every one except your Lordship, and the company sitting on +the front form." The same Bishop, at one of his Confirmations, saw a +school girl inclined to be inattentive and troublesome; he therefore +held up his finger as a warning. These children, being accustomed to +_signs_ from their teachers, of which they were expected to declare the +meaning, did not suppose that the elevation of the Bishop's finger, was +an exception to their general rule of reply to such tokens, they +therefore all arose together, and from the middle of the Church +exclaimed in an exulting tone, "_perpendicular_," to the astonishment +and consternation of the better inclined, and to the amusement, we fear, +of not a few of the congregation. + + + + +MRS. PARTINGTON. + + +"SO there's another rupture of Mount Vociferous," said Mrs. Partington, +as she put up her specs; "the paper tells us about the burning lather +running down the mountain, but it don't tell how it got a fire." + + + + +AN HIBERNIAN M. P. + + +A VERY laughable incident occurred in the House of Commons. An Irish +member, whose name I will not mention, having risen, he was assailed by +loud cries of "Spoke! Spoke!" meaning, that having spoken once already, +he had no right to do it a second time. He had, evidently, a second +speech struggling in his breast for an introduction into the world, when +seeing after remaining for some time on his legs, that there was not the +slightest chance of being suffered to deliver a sentence of it, he +observed, with imperturbable gravity, and in a rich Tipperary brogue, +"If honorable gintlemin suppose that I was going to spake again, they +are quite mistaken. I merely rose for the purpose of saying that I had +nothing more to say on the subject." The house was convulsed with +laughter, for a few seconds afterwards, at the exceeding ready wit of +the Hibernian M. P.--_Random Recollections of the Lords and +Commons.--New Series._ + + + + +MODESTY. + + +THERE is a young lady down east, so excessively modest, that every night +before retiring, she closes the window curtain, to prevent the "man in +the moon" from looking in. She is related to the young lady who would +not allow the _Christian Observer_ to remain in her room over night. + + + + +AMERICAN TOAST. + + +"THE ladies; the only endurable aristocracy, who rule without +laws--judge without jury--decide without appeal, and are never in the +wrong." + + + + +PASSING A COUNTERFEIT. + + +DIGGS saw a note lying on the ground, but knew that it was a +counterfeit, and walked on without picking it up. He told the story to +Smithers, when the latter said: + +"Do you know, Diggs, you have committed a very grave offence?" + +"Why, what have I done?" + +"You have passed a counterfeit bill, knowing it to be such," said +Smithers, without a smile, and fled. + + + + +LORD CHESTERFIELD. + + +LORD Chesterfield being given to understand that he would die by inches, +very philosophically replied, "If that be the case, I am happy that I am +not so tall as Sir Thomas Robinson." + + + + +A PENNY. + + +A GOOD woman called on Dr. B---- one day in a great deal of trouble, and +complained that her son had swallowed a penny. "Pray madam," said the +Doctor, "was it a counterfeit?" "No, Sir, certainly not;" was the reply. +"Then it will pass, of course," rejoined the facetious physician. + + + + +JOHNSON. + + +A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonata on +the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the +philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? "No +madam," replied the doctor; "but of all noises I think music is the +least disagreeable." + + + + +CLEVER LAMPOON. + + +UPON Frederick Prince of Wales, son of George the Second, a prince whom +people of all parties are now agreed in thinking no very great worthy, +nor superior to what a lively woman has here written upon him; for if we +understand Horace Walpole rightly, who says the verses were found among +her papers, they were the production of the Honourable Miss Rollo, +probably daughter of the fourth Lord Rollo, who was implicated in the +rebellion. Frederick was familiarly termed _Feckie_ and _Fed_. + + "Here lies Prince Fed, + Gone down among the dead. + Had it been his father, + We had much rather; + Had it been his mother, + Better than any other; + Had it been his sister, + Few would have miss'd her; + Had it been the whole generation, + Ten times better for the nation; + But since 'tis only Fed, + There's no more to be said." + + + + +IN HIS SHIRT SLEEVES. + + +A GOOD story is told of a "country gentleman," who, for the first time, +heard an Episcopal clergyman preach. He had read much of the aristocracy +and pride of the church, and when he returned home he was asked if the +people were "stuck up." "Pshaw! no," replied he, "why the minister +preached in his shirt-sleeves." + + + + +A MORMON PREACHER. + + +THE _Boston Herald_, in announcing the death of Elder G. Adams, a Mormon +preacher, says:--"On his second visit to Boston, the Elder preached, +baptized converts, whipped a newspaper editor, and played a star +engagement at the National Theatre. He was industrious, and filled up +all his time. We have a fund of anecdotes concerning this strange +mortal, which we shall be glad to print at some other time. We close +this article by briefly adverting to the chastisement he gave an editor, +for strongly criticising his performance of _Richard III_. The office of +the editor was in Washington street, where Propeller now keeps. Adams +armed himself with a cowhide, and watched for his victim. Soon, the +unsuspecting fellow came down the stairs, and Adams sprang upon him, +exclaiming, "The Lord has delivered thee into my hands, and I shall give +thee forty stripes, save one, Scripture measure. Brother Graham, keep +tally." So saying, he proceeded to lay on the punishment with hearty +good will. In the meantime, a large crowd had gathered around the +avenging priest and the delinquent. When the tally was up, Adams let the +man go, and addressed the crowd as follows: "Men and brethren, my name +is Elder George J. Adams, preacher of the everlasting gospel. I have +chastised mine enemy. I go this afternoon to fulfil an engagement at the +Providence Theatre, where I shall play one of Shakspeare's immortal +creations. I shall return to this city, at the end of the week, and +will, by divine permission, preach three times next Sabbath, on the +immortality of the soul, the eternity of matter, and in answer to the +question 'Who is the Devil?' May grace and peace be with you.--Amen!" + + + + +JOHN KEMBLE. + + +JOHN KEMBLE was often very amusing when he had had a good deal of wine. +He and two friends were returning to town, in an open carriage, from the +Priory, (Lord Abercorn's,) where they had dined; and as they were +waiting for change at a toll-gate, Kemble, to the amazement of the +toll-keeper, called out, in the tone of Rolla, "We seek no _change_; +and, least of all, such _change_ as he would bring us." + + + + +A SURPRISE. + + +A GREEN 'un, who had never before seen a steamboat, fell through the +hatchway, down into the hold, and being unhurt, thus loudly expressed +his surprise--"Well, if the darned thing aint holler." + + + + +QUEER DUEL. + + +AN Englishman and a Frenchman having quarrelled, they were to fight a +duel. Being both great cowards, they agreed (for their mutual safety, of +course) that the duel should take place in a room perfectly dark. The +Englishman had to fire first. He groped his way to the hearth, fired up +the chimney, and brought down--the Frenchman, who had taken refuge +there. + + + + +LAWYERS. + + +"A LAWYER," said Lord Brougham, in a facetious mood, "is a learned +gentleman, who rescues your estate from your enemies, and keeps it +himself." + + + + +A FRENCHMAN PUZZLED WITH THE WORD "BOX." + + +SIR--In the course of my study in the English language, which I made now +for three years, I always read your periodically, and now think myself +capable to write at your Magazin. I love always the modesty, or you +shall have a letter of me very long time pass. But, never mind. I would +well tell you, that I am come to this country to instruct me in the +manners, the customs, the habits, the policies, and the other affairs +general of Great Britain. And truly I think me good fortunate, being +received in many families, so as I can to speak your language now with +so much facility as the French. + +I am but a particular gentleman, come here for that what I said; but, +since I learn to comprehend the language, I discover that I am become an +object of pleasantry, and for himself to mock, to one of your comedians +even before I put my foot upon the ground at Douvres. He was Mr. Mathew, +who tell of some contretems of me and your word detestable _Box_. Well, +never mind. I know at present how it happen, because I see him since in +some parties and dinners; and he confess he love much to go travel and +mix himself altogether up with the stage coach and vapouring boat for +fun, what he bring at his theatre. + +Well, never mind. He see me, perhaps, to ask a question in the +paque-bot--but he not confess after, that he goed and bribe the garçon +at the hotel and the coachman to mystify me with all the boxes; but, +very well, I shall tell you how it arrived, so as you shall see that it +was impossible that a stranger could miss to be perplexed, and to +advertise the travellers what will come after, that they shall converse +with the gentleman and not with the badinstructs. + +But, it must that I begin. I am a gentleman, and my goods are in the +public rentes, and a chateau with a handsome propriety on the banks of +the Loire, which I lend to a merchant English, who pay me very well in +London for my expenses. Very well. I like the peace nevertheless that I +was force, at other time, to go to war with Napoleon. But it is passed. +So I come to Paris in my proper post-chaise, where I selled him, and +hire one, for almost nothing at all, for bring me to Calais all alone, +because I will not bring my valet to speak French here where all the +world is ignorant. + +The morning following, I get upon the vapouring boat to walk so far as +Douvres. It was fine day, and after I am recover myself of a malady of +the sea, I walk myself about the ship, and I see a great mechanic of +wood with iron wheel, and thing to push up inside, and handle to turn. +It seemed to be ingenious, and proper to hoist great burdens. They use +it for shoving the timber, what come down of the vessel, into the place; +and they tell me it was call "Jacques in the _box_:" and I was very much +pleased with the invention so novel. + +Very well. I go again promenade upon the board of the vessel, and I look +at the compass, and little boy sailor come and sit him down, and begin +to chatter like the little monkey. Then the man that turns a wheel about +and about laugh, and say, "Very well, Jacques," but I not understand one +word the little fellow say. So I make inquire, and they tell me he was +"_box_ the compass." I was surprise, but I tell myself, "Well, never +mind;" and so we arrive at Douvres. I find myself enough well in the +hotel, but as there has been no _table d'hôte_, I ask for some dinner, +and it was long time I wait: and so I walk myself to the customary +house, and give the key to my portmanteau to the douaniers, or +excisemen, as you call, for them to see as I had no smuggles in my +equipage. Very well. I return at my hotel, and meet one of the waiters, +who tell me (after I stand little moment to the door to see the world +what pass by upon a coach at the instant), "Sir," he say, "your dinner +is ready." "Very well," I make response, "where was it?" "This way, +Sir," he answer, "I have put it in a _box_ in the _café_ room." "Well, +never mind," I say to myself, "when a man himself finds in a stranger +country, he must be never surprised. '_Nil admirari._' Keep the eyes +open and stare at nothing at all." + +I found my dinner only there there, because I was so soon come from +France; but, I learn, another sort of the box was a partition and table +particular in a saloon, and I keep there when I eated some good sole +fritted, and some not cooked mutton cutlet; and a gentleman what was put +in another _box_, perhaps Mr. Mathew, because nobody not can know him +twice, like a cameleon he is, call for the "pepper-_box_." Very well. I +take a cup of coffee, and then all my hards and portmanteau come with a +wheel-barrow; and, because it was my resolution to voyage up at London +with the coach, and I find my many little things was not convenient, I +ask the waiter where I may buy a night sack, or get them tie up all +together in a burden. He was well attentive at my cares, and responded, +that he shall find me a _box_ to put them all into. Well, I say nothing +to all but "Yes," for fear to discover my ignorance; so he brings the +little _box_ for the clothes and things into the great _box_ what I was +put into; and he did my affairs in it very well. Then I ask him for some +spectacle in the town, and he sent boot boy with me so far as the +theatre, and I go in to pay. It was shabby poor little place, but the +man what set to have the money, when I say, "How much," asked me if I +would not go into the _boxes_. "Very well," I say, "never mind--oh +yes--to be sure;" and I find very soon the _box_ was the loge, same +thing. I had not understanding sufficient in your tongue then to +comprehend all what I hear--only one poor maiger doctor, what had been +to give his physic too long time at a cavalier old man, was condemned to +swallow up a whole _box_ of his proper pills. "Very well," I say, "that +must be egregious. It is cannot be possible," but they bring a little +_box_ not more grand nor my thumb. It seemed to be to me very +ridiculous; so I returned to my hotel at despair how I could possibility +learn a language what meant so many differents in one word. + +I found the same waiter, who, so soon as I come in, tell me--"Sir, did +you not say that you would go by the coach to-morrow morning?" I +replied--"Yes; and I have bespeaked a seat out of the side, because I +shall wish to amuse myself with the country, and you have no cabriolets +in your coaches." "Sir," he say, very polite, "if you shall allow me, I +would recommend you the _box_, and then the coachman shall tell +everything." "Very well," I reply, "yes--to be sure--I shall have a +_box_ then--yes;" and then I demanded a fire into my chamber, because I +think myself enrhumed upon the sea, and the maid of the chamber come to +send me in bed: but I say, "No so quick, if you please; I will write to +some friend how I find myself in England. Very well--here is the fire, +but perhaps it shall go out before I have finish." She was pretty +laughing young woman, and say, "Oh no, Sir, if you pull the bell, the +porter, who sits up all night, will come, unless you like to attend to +it yourself, and then you will find the coal-_box_ in the closet." +Well--I say nothing but "Yes--oh yes." But, when she is gone, I look +direct into the closet, and see a _box_ not no more like none of the +other _boxes_ what I see all day than nothing. + +Well--I write at my friends, and then I tumble about when I wake, and +dream in the sleep what should possible be the description of the _box_, +what I must be put in to-morrow for my voyage. + +In the morning, it was very fine time, I see the coach at the door, and +I walk all around before they bring the horses; but I see nothing what +they can call _boxes_, only the same kind as what my little business was +put into. So I ask for the post of letters at a little boots boy, who +showed me by the Quay, and tell me, pointing by his finger at a +window--"There see, there was the letter-_box_," and I perceive a +crevice. "Very well--all _box_ again to-day," I say, and give my letter +to the master of postes, and go away again at the coach, where I very +soon find out what was coach-_box_, and mount myself upon it. Then come +the coachman habilitated like the gentleman, and the first word he say +was--"Keep horses! Bring my _box_-coat!" and he push up a grand capote +with many scrapes. + +"But--never mind," I say; "I shall see all the _boxes_ in time." So he +kick his leg upon the board, and cry "cheat!" and we are out into the +country in lesser than one minute, and roll at so grand pace, what I +have had fear we will be reversed. But after little times, I take +courage and we begin to entertain together: but I hear one of the wheels +cry squeak, so I tell him, "Sir, one of the wheel would be greased;" +then he make reply nonchalancely, "Oh it is nothing but one of the +_boxes_ what is too tight." But it is very long time after as I learn +that wheel a _box_ was pipe of iron what go turn round upon the axle. + +Well--we fly away at the pace of charge. I see great castles, many; then +come a pretty house of country well ornamented, and I make inquire what +it should be. "Oh!" responded he, "I not remember the gentleman's name, +but it is what we call a snug country _box_." + +Then I feel myself abymed at despair, and begin to suspect that he +amused himself. But, still I tell myself, "Well, never mind; we shall +see." And then after sometimes, there come another house, all alone in a +forest, not ornated at all. "What, how you call that?" I demand of +him--"Oh!" he responded again, "that is a shooting-_box_ of Lord +Killfot's." "Oh!" I cry at last out," that is little too strong;" but he +hoisted his shoulders and say nothing. Well, we come at a house of +country, ancient with the trees cut like some peacocks, and I +demand--"What you call these trees?" "_Box_, Sir," he tell me. "Devil is +in the _box_," I say at myself. "But, never mind; we shall see." So I +myself refreshed with a pinch of snuff and offer him, and he take very +polite, and remark upon an instant--"That is a very handsome _box_ of +yours, Sir." + +"Morbleu!" I exclaimed with inadvertencyness, but I stop myself. Then he +pull out his snuff-_box_, and I take a pinch, because I like at home to +be sociable when I am out at voyages, and not show some pride with +inferior. It was of wood beautiful with turnings, and colour of +yellowish. So I was pleased to admire very much, and inquire the name of +the wood, and again he say--"_Box_, Sir."--Well, I hold myself with +patience, but it was difficilly; and we keep with great gallop, till we +come at a great crowd of the people. Then I say, "What for all so large +concourse?" "Oh!" he response again, "there is one grand _boxing_ +match--a battle here to-day." "Peste!" I tell myself, "a battle of +_boxes_! Well, never mind! I hope it can be a combat at the outrance, +and they all shall destroy one another, for I am fatigued." + +Well--we arrive at an hotel, very superb, all as it ought, and I demand +a morsel to refresh myself. I go into a saloon, but, before I finish, +great noise come into the passage, and I pull the bell's rope to demand +why so great tapage? The waiter tell me, and he laugh at same time, but +very civil no less--"Oh, Sir, it is only two of the women what quarrel, +and one has given another a _box_ on the ear." + +Well--I go back on the coach-box, but I look, as I pass, at all the +women ear, for the _box_; but not none I see. "Well," I tell myself once +more, "never mind, we shall see;" and we drive on very passable and +agreeable times till we approached ourselves near London: but then come +one another coach of the opposition to pass by, and the coachman +say--"No, my boy, it shan't do!" and then he whip his horses, and made +some traverse upon the road, and tell to me, all the times, a long +explication what the other coachman have done otherwhiles, and finish +not till we stop, and the coach of opposition come behind him in one +narrow place. Well--then he twist himself round, and, with full voice, +cry himself out at the another man, who was so angry as himself--"I'll +tell you what, my hearty! If you comes some more of your gammon at me, I +shan't stand, and you shall yourself find in the wrong _box_." It was +not for many weeks after as I find out the wrong _box_ meaning. + +Well--we get at London, at the coaches office, and I unlightened from my +seat, and go at the bureau for pay my passage, and gentleman very polite +demanded if I had some friend at London. I converse with him very little +time in voyaging, because he was in the interior; but I perceive he is +real gentleman. So, I say--"No, Sir, I am stranger." Then he very +honestly recommend me at an hotel, very proper, and tell me--"Sir, +because I have some affairs in the Banque, I must sleep in the City this +night; but to-morrow I shall come at the hotel, where you shall find +some good attentions if you make the use of my name." "Very well," I +tell myself, "this is best." So we exchange the cards, and I have +hackney coach to come at my hotel, where they say--"No room, Sir--very +sorry--no room." But I demand to stop the moment, and produce the card +what I could not read before, in the movements of the coach with the +darkness. The master of the hotel take it from my hand, and become very +polite of the instant, and whisper to the ear of some waiters, and these +come at me, and say--"Oh yes, Sir, I know Mr. _Box_ very well. Worthy +gentleman, Mr. Box. Very proud to incommode any friend of Mr. Box. Pray +inlight yourself, and walk in my house." So I go in, and find myself +very proper, and soon come so as if I was in my own particular chamber; +and Mr. Box come next day, and I find very soon that he was the _right_ +Box, and not the _wrong_ box. Ha, ha! You shall excuse my badinage--eh? +But never mind--I am going at Leicestershire to see the foxes hunting, +and perhaps will get upon a coach-box in the spring, and go at +Edinburgh; but I have fear I cannot come at your "Noctes," because I +have not learn yet to eat so great supper. I always read what they speak +there twice over, except what Mons. Le "Shepherd" say, what I read +three time; but never could comprehend exactly what he say, though I +discern some time the grand idea, what walk in darkness almost +"visible," as your divine Milton say. I am particular fond of the +poetry. I read three books of the "Paradise Lost" to Mr. Box, but he not +hear me no more--he pronounce me perfect. + +After one such compliment, it would be almost the same as ask you for +another, if I shall make apology in case I have not find the correct +idiotism of your language in this letter; so I shall not make none at +all--only throw myself at your mercy, like a great critic. + +I have the honour of subscribe myself, + +Your much obedient servant, + +LOUIS LE CHEMINANT. + +P. S. Ha! ha! It is very droll! I tell my valet, we go at Leicestershire +for the hunting fox. Very well. So soon as I finish this letter, he come +and demand what I shall leave behind in orders for some presents, to +give what people will come at my lodgments for Christmas +_Boxes_.--_Blackwood's Magazine._ + + + + +ABSURDITIES. + + +TO attempt to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty.--To lose +money at play, and then fly into a passion about it.--To ask the +publisher of a new periodical how many copies he sells per week.--To ask +a wine merchant how old his wine is.--To make yourself generally +disagreeable, and wonder that nobody will visit you, unless they gain +some palpable advantage by it.--To get drunk, and complain the next +morning of a headache.--To spend your earnings on liquor, and wonder +that you are ragged.--To sit shivering in the cold because you won't +have a fire till November.--To suppose that reviewers generally read +more than the title-page of the works they praise or condemn.--To judge +of people's piety by their attendance at church.--To keep your clerks on +miserable salaries, and wonder at their robbing you.--Not to go to bed +when you are tired and sleepy, because "it is not bed time."--To make +your servants tell lies for you, and afterwards be angry because they +tell lies for themselves.--To tell your own secrets, and believe other +people will keep them.--To render a man a service voluntarily, and +expect him to be grateful for it.--To expect to make people honest by +hardening them in a jail, and afterwards sending them adrift without the +means of getting work.--To fancy a thing is cheap because a low price is +asked for it.--To say that a man is charitable because he subscribes to +an hospital.--To keep a dog or a cat on short allowance, and complain of +its being a thief.--To degrade human nature in the hope of improving +it.--To praise the beauty of a woman's hair before you know whether it +did not once belong to somebody else.--To expect that your tradespeople +will give you long credit if they generally see you in shabby +clothes.--To arrive at the age of fifty, and be surprised at any vice, +folly, or absurdity your fellow creatures may be guilty of. + + + + +GOOD REASON. + + +AN Irishman being asked why he wore his stockings wrong side out, +replied, "Because there's a hole on the ither side ov 'em." + + + + +PUTTING DOWN A LADY. + + +AT a religious meeting, a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and +thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit +down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said, gravely, "I +think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her +stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired +effect--she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing +by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother, how could you say what +was not the fact?" "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she +had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how +she gets them on." + + + + +WOMAN'S RIGHTS. + + +MISS Lucy Stone, of Boston, a "woman's rights" woman, having put the +question, "Marriage--what is it?" an Irish echo in the _Boston Post_ +inquires, "Wouldn't you like to know?" + + + + +A COMPROMISE. + + +A BOY was caught in the act of stealing dried berries in front of a +store, the other day, and was locked up in a dark closet by the grocer. +The boy commenced begging most pathetically to be released, and after +using all the persuasion that his young imagination could invent, +proposed, "Now, if you'll let me out, and send for my daddy, he'll pay +you for them, and _lick me besides_." This appeal was too much for the +grocer to stand out against. + + + + +ELECTION MORALS. + + +AN elector of a country town, who was warmly pressed during the recent +contest to give his vote to a certain candidate, replied that it was +impossible, since he had already promised to vote for the other. "Oh," +said the candidate, "in election matters, promises, you know, go for +nothing." "If that is the case," rejoined the elector, "I promise you my +vote at once."--_Galignani's Messenger._ + + + + +A QUANDARY. + + +THE _New Orleans Picayune_ defines a quandary thus:--"A baker with both +arms up to the elbows in dough, and a flea in the leg of his trowsers." +We have just heard a story which conveys quite as clever an idea of the +thing as the _Picayune's_ definition. An old gentleman, who had studied +theological subjects rather too much for the strength of his brains, +determined to try his luck in preaching; nothing doubting but that +matter and form would be given him, without any particular preparation +on his own part. Accordingly on Sunday he ascended the pulpit, sung and +prayed, read his text, and stopped. He stood a good while, first on one +leg, and then on the other, casting his eyes up towards the rafters, and +then on the floor, in a merciless quandary. At length language came to +his relief:--"If any of you down there think you can preach, just come +up here and try it!"--_North Carolina Patriot._ + + + + +ELEGANT EXTRACT. + + +A PERFUMER should make a good editor, because he is accustomed to making +"elegant extracts." + + + + +EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY. + + +THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assizes:-- + +_Counsel_: What was the height of the horse?--_Witness_: Sixteen feet. + +_Counsel_: How old was he?--_Witness_: Six years. + +_Counsel_: How high did you say he was?--_Witness_: Sixteen hands. + +_Counsel_: You said, just now, sixteen feet.--_Witness_: Sixteen _feet_! +Did I say sixteen _feet_? + +_Counsel_: You did.--_Witness_: _If I did say sixteen feet, it was +sixteen feet!_--you don't catch me crossing myself! + + + + +THE CAPE COD YANKEE. + + +A YANKEE visiting Boston, introduced himself, as follows: + +"My name is Ichabod Eli Erastus Pickrel; I used to keep a grocery store +deown Cape Cod. Patience Doolittle, she kept a notion store, right over +opposite. One day, Patience come into my store arter a pitcher of +lasses, for home consumption, (ye see, I'd had a kind of a sneaking +notion arter Patience, for some time,) so, ses I, 'Patience, heow would +you like to be made Mrs. Pickrel?' Upon that, she kerflounced herself +rite deown on a bag of salt, in a sort of kniption fitt. I seased the +pitcher, forgetting what was in it, and soused the molasses all over +her, and there she sat, looking like Mount Vesuvius, with the lava +running deown its sides; ye see, she was kivered with love, transport, +and molasses. She was a master large gal, of her bigness, she weighed +three hundred averdupoise, and _a breakfast over_. She could throw +eanermost any feller in our neighborhood, at _Indian hugs_. Arter +awhile, she kum tu, and I imprinted a kiss right on her bussers, that +is, as near as I could for the molasses, and twan't more than a spell +and a half, before _we caught a couple of little Pickrels_. The whooping +cough collered one of them, and _snaked him rite eout of town_. The +other one had a fight with the measles, and got licked. Mrs. Pickrel +took to having the typhus fever for a living, and twan't more than a +half a spell, before she busted up, and left me a disconsolate +wider-er-er. If you know of any putty gals that is in the market, just +tell them that I'm thar myself." + + + + +JOSEPH AND POTIPHAR'S WIFE. + + +A DUTCH boy, being asked why Joseph would not sleep with Potiphar's +wife, replied, after considerable hesitation, "_I schpose he vash not +schleepy_." + + + + +SHE DIDN'T TAKE ANY. + + +A LITTLE girl, after returning from church, where she saw a collection +taken up for the first time, related what took place, and, among other +things, she said, with all her childish innocence, "That a man passed +round a plate that had some money on it, _but she didn't take any_." + + + + +DEFINITIONS. + + +A LADY walking with her husband on the beach, inquired of him, the +difference between exportation and transportation. "Why, my dear," +replied he, "if you were on board yonder vessel, you would be +_exported_, and I should be _transported_." + + + + +CHANCERY. + + +EVERY animal has its enemies; the land tortoise has two enemies--man and +the boa constrictor. Man takes him home and roasts him; and the boa +constrictor swallows him whole, shell and all, and consumes him slowly +in the interior, _as the Court of Chancery does a great +estate_.--_Sydney Smith._ + + + + +SMART UNS. + + +FIRST class in astronomy, stand up. "Where does the sun rise?" "Please, +sir, down in our meadow; I seed it yesterday!" "Hold your tongue, you +dunce; where does the sun rise?" "I know--in the east!" "Right, and why +does it rise in the east?" "Because the _'east_ makes _everything_ +rise." "Out, you booby!" + + + + +MRS. PARTINGTON. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON lately remarked to a legal friend: "If I owes a man a +debt, and makes him the lawless tenant of a blank bill, and he infuses +to incept it, but swears out an execration and levels it upon my body, +if I wouldn't make a pollywog of him drown me in the Nuxwine sea." + + + + +TO THOSE ABOUT TO GO TO LAW. + + +TO him that goes to law, nine things are requisite:--1st, a good deal of +money; 2nd, a good deal of patience; 3rd, a good cause; 4th, a good +attorney; 5th, a good counsel; 6th, good evidence; 7th, a good jury; +8th, a good judge; 9th, good luck. Even with all these, a wise man +should hesitate before going to law. + + + + +ERROR CORRECTED. + + +THE Rev. Sydney Smith, preaching a charity sermon, frequently repeated +the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were the most +distinguished for generosity and the love of their species. The +collection happened to be inferior to his expectations, and he said that +he had evidently made a great mistake, for that his expression should +have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_. + + + + +A QUERY. + + +WHICH travels at the greater speed, heat or cold? Heat: because you can +easily catch cold. + + + + +BACKGAMMON. + + +TOM BROWN says, "A woman may learn one useful doctrine from the game of +backgammon, which is, not to take up her man till she's sure of him." + + + + +TALLEYRAND AGAIN. + + +MONSIEUR de Semonville, one of the ablest tacticians of his time, was +remarkable for the talent with which, amidst the crush of revolutions, +he always managed to maintain his post and take care of his personal +interests. He knew exactly where to address himself for support, and the +right time of availing himself of it. When Talleyrand, one of his most +intimate friends, heard of his death, he reflected for a few minutes, +and then drily observed, "I can't for the life of me make out what +interest Semonville had to serve by dying just now." + + + + +AN EVENING PARTY. + + +A FRIEND of mine, in Portland place, has a wife who inflicts upon him, +every season, two or three immense evening parties. At one of those +parties, he was standing in a very forlorn condition, leaning against +the chimney-piece, when a gentleman coming up to him, said, "Sir, as +neither of us is acquainted with any of the people here, I think we had +best go home." + + + + +SAM SLICK HOOKING LUCY'S GOWN. + + +"WELL, just as I was ready to start away, down comes Lucy to the keepin' +room, with both arms behind her head, a fixin' of the hooks and eyes. +'Man alive,' says she, 'are you here yet? I thought you was off gunnin' +an hour ago; who'd a thought you was here?' 'Gunnin'?' says I, 'Lucy, my +gunnin' is over, I shan't go no more, now, I shall go home; I agree with +you; shiverin' alone under a wet bush, for hours, is no fun; but if Lucy +was there'--'Get out,' says she, 'don't talk nonsense, Sam, and just +fasten the other hook and eye of my frock, will you?' She turned round +her back to me. Well, I took the hook in one hand, and the eye in the +other; but arth and seas! my eyes fairly snapped again; I never see such +a neck since I was raised. It sprung right out o' the breast and +shoulder, full round, and then tapered up to the head like a swan's, and +the complexion would beat the most delicate white and red rose that ever +was seen. Lick, it made me all eyes! I jist stood stock still, I +couldn't move a finger, if I was to die for it. 'What ails you, Sam,' +says she, 'that you don't hook it?' 'Why,' says I, 'Lucy, dear, my +fingers is all thumbs, that's a fact, I can't handle such little things +as fast as you can.' 'Well, come,' says she, 'make haste, that's a dear, +mother will be comin' directly;' and at last I shut to both my eyes, and +fastened it; and when I had done, says I, 'There is one thing I must +say, Lucy.' 'What's that?' says she. 'That you may stump all Connecticut +to show such an angeliferous neck as you have. I never saw the beat of +it in all my born days--it's the most----' 'And you may stump the State, +too,' says she, 'to produce such another bold, forrard, impedent, +onmannerly tongue, as you have--so there now--so get along with +you.'"--_Sam Slick._ + + + + +A GREAT CALF. + + +SIR William B., being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which +were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the +farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two +colleges at each university?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of +that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, +the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."--_Flowers of Anecdote._ + + + + +TAXATION. + + +THERE is one passage in the Scriptures, to which all the potentates of +Europe seem to have given their unanimous assent and approbation, and to +have studied so thoroughly, as to have it at their fingers' +ends:--"There went out a decree in the days of Augustus Cæsar, that all +the world should be taxed."--_C. C. Colton._ + + + + +AN ITINERANT MARTYR. + + +"JIM," said one fast man, yesterday to another, "it is reported that you +left the East, on account of your belief, an itinerant martyr." "How," +replied Jim, flattered by the remark, "how's that?" "Why, a police +officer told me that you believed everything you saw belonged to you, +and as the public didn't, you left." + + + + +SEE--SAW. + + +"NOGGS, Jr," speaking of a blind wood sawyer, says: "While none ever +_saw_ him _see_, thousands have _seen_ him _saw_." + + + + +FELLOW-FEELING. + + +A COUNTRYMAN was dragging a calf by a rope in a cruel manner. An +Irishman asked him if that was the way "he threated a fellow creathur?" + + + + +MISAPPLICATION OF WORDS BY FOREIGNERS. + + +THE misapplication of English words by foreigners is often very +ludicrous. A German friend saluted us once with, "Oh, good bye, good +bye!"--meaning, of course, "How d'ye do?" It is said that Dr. Chalmers +once entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he asked +if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked the +meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was told that it meant +"preserved." The poor man, in a public prayer, soon after, offered a +petition that the distinguished divine might long be "kippered to the +Free Church of Scotland." + + + + +WHAT IS A SPOON? + + +A "SPOON" is a thing that is often near a lady's lips without kissing +them. This is like the definition of a "muff," viz., a thing which holds +a lady's hand without squeezing it. + + + + +A CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE. + + +"YOU say, Mrs. Smith, that you have lived with the defendant for eight +years. Does the Court understand from that, that you are married to +him?" "In course it does." "Have you a marriage certificate?" "Yes, your +honor, three on 'em--two gals and a boy." Verdict for the plaintiff. + + + + +UNFAIR ADVANTAGE. + + +ONE of the best things lately said upon age--a very ticklish subject by +the way--was the observation of Mr. James Smith to Mr. Thomas Hill. +"Hill," said the former gentleman, "you take an unfair advantage of an +accident: the register of your birth was burnt in the great fire of +London, and you avail yourself of the circumstance to give out that you +are younger than you are." + + + + +TWO-FOLD ILLUSTRATION. + + +SIR Fletcher Norton was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading +before Lord Mansfield, on some question of manorial right, he chanced +unfortunately to say, "My Lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant +in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge +immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all know +it, Sir Fletcher." + + + + +A YANKEE STORY. + + +AN Englishman was bragging of the speed on English railroads to a Yankee +traveler seated at his side in one of the cars of a "fast train," in +England. The engine bell was rung as the train neared a station. It +suggested to the Yankee an opportunity of "taking down his companion a +peg or two." "What's that noise?" innocently inquired the Yankee. "We +are approaching a town," said the Englishman; "they have to commence +ringing about ten miles before they get to a station, or else the train +would run by it before the bell could be heard! Wonderful, isn't it? I +suppose they haven't invented bells in America yet?" "Why, yes," replied +the Yankee, "we've got bells, but can't use them on our railroads. We +run so 'tarnal fast that the train always keeps ahead of the sound. No +use whatever; the sound never reaches the village till after the train +gets by." "Indeed!" exclaimed the Englishman. "Fact," said the Yankee; +"had to give up bells. Then we tried steam whistles--but they wouldn't +answer either. I was on a locomotive when the whistle was tried. We were +going at a tremendous rate--hurricanes were nowhere, and I had to hold +my hair on. We saw a two-horse wagon crossing the track about five miles +ahead, and the engineer let the whistle on, screeching like a trooper. +It screamed awfully, but it wasn't no use. The next thing I knew, I was +picking myself out of a pond by the roadside, amid the fragments of the +locomotive, dead horses, broken wagon, and dead engineer lying beside +me. Just then the whistle came along, mixed up with some frightful oaths +that I had heard the engineer use when he first saw the horses. Poor +fellow! he was dead before his voice got to him. After that we tried +lights, supposing these would travel faster than the sound. We got some +so powerful that the chickens woke up all along the road when we came +by, supposing it to be morning. But the locomotive kept ahead of it +still, and was in the darkness, with the lights close on behind it. The +inhabitants petitioned against it; they couldn't sleep with so much +light in the night time. Finally, we had to station electric telegraphs +along the road, with signal men to telegraph when the train was in +sight; and I have heard that some of the fast trains beat the lightning +fifteen minutes every forty miles. But I can't say as that is true; the +rest I know to be so."--_New York Tribune._ + + + + +ANCIENT DESCENT. + + +NOT long since a certain noble peer in Yorkshire, who is fond of +boasting of his Norman descent, thus addressed one of his tenants, who, +he thought, was not speaking to him with proper respect: "Do you not +know that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?" "And, +mayhap," retorted the sturdy Saxon, nothing daunted, "they found mine +here when they comed." The noble lord felt that he had the worst of it. + + + + +BAD'S THE BEST. + + +MR. CANNING was once asked by an English clergyman how he had liked the +sermon he had preached before him. + +"Why, it was a short sermon," quoth Canning. "Oh, yes," said the +preacher; "you know I avoid being tedious." "Ah, but," replied Canning, +"you _were_ tedious." + + + + +QUEER DUELS. + + +A CERTAIN man of pleasure, about London, received a challenge from a +young gentleman of his acquaintance; and they met at the appointed +place. Just before the signal for firing was given, the man of pleasure +rushed up to his antagonist, embraced him, and vehemently protested that +he could not lift his arm "_against his own flesh and blood_!" The young +gentleman, though he had never heard any imputation cast upon his +mother's character, was so much staggered, that (as the ingenious man of +pleasure had foreseen) no duel took place. + +HUMPHREY HOWARTH, the surgeon, was called out, and made his appearance +in the field, stark naked, to the astonishment of the challenger, who +asked him what he meant. "I know," said H., "that if any part of the +clothing is carried into the body, by a gunshot wound, festering ensues; +and therefore I have met you thus." His antagonist declared, that +fighting with a man _in puris naturalibus_, would be quite ridiculous; +and accordingly they parted, without further discussion. + +LORD ALVANLEY, on returning home, after his duel with young O'Connell, +gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman, who had driven him out, and +brought him back. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, +"My lord, I only took you to ----." Alvanley interrupted him, "My +friend, the guinea is _for bringing me back_, not for taking me out." + + + + +PROVOKING. + + +TO kneel before your goddess, and burst both pantaloon straps. + + + + +TEACHING A FOREIGNER TO SPEAK ENGLISH. + + +MY friend, the foreigner, called on me to bid me farewell, before he +quitted town, and on his departure, he said, "I am going at the +country." I ventured to correct his phraseology, by saying that we were +accustomed to say "going into the country." He thanked me for this +correction and said he had profited by my lesson, and added, "I will +knock _into your_ door, on my return."--_Memorials._ + + + + +PHILOSOPHY. + + +_Experimental_ philosophy--asking a man to lend you money. _Moral_ +philosophy--refusing to do it. + + + + +INGENIOUS ADVERTISEMENT. + + +SYDNEY SMITH, once upon a time, despatched a pretentious octavo, in the +_Edinburgh_, with a critique, one paragraph in length; that achievement +is matched by the disposal of a work in the _Courier and Enquirer_, as +follows, by ingeniously employing the opening sentence of the book +itself:-- + +"_The History of Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia._ A Tale by SAMUEL +JOHNSON, LL. D. A new edition, with illustrations. 12mo., pp. 206. +New York: C. S. FRANCIS & CO. + +"Ye who listen with credulity to the whispers of fancy, and pursue with +eagerness the phantoms of hope; who expect that age will perform the +promises of youth, and that deficiencies of the present day will be +supplied by the morrow; attend to the history of _Rasselas_, Prince of +Abyssinia." + + + + +CURIOUS CONVEYANCE. + + +SUTTON was part of the demesne of John of Gaunt, the celebrated Duke of +Lancaster, who gifted it to an ancestor of the proprietor, Sir J. M. +Burgoyne, as appears from the following quaint lines:-- + + "I, John of Gaunt, + Do give and do grant, + Unto Roger Burgoyne, + And the heirs of his loin, + Both Sutton and Potton, + Until the world's rotten." + + + + +SMOKING MANNERS. + + +A KENTUCKIAN visited a merchant at New York, with whom, after dinner, he +drank wine and smoked cigars, spitting on the carpet, much to the +annoyance of his host, who desired a spittoon to be brought for his +troublesome visitor; he, however, pushed it away with his foot, and when +it was replaced, he kicked it away again, quite unaware of its use. When +it had been thrice replaced, the Kentuckian drawled out to the servant +who had brought it: "I tell you what; you've been pretty considerable +troublesome with that ere thing, I guess; if you put it there again, I'm +hung if I don't spit in it." + + + + +LANDSEER AND SIDNEY SMITH. + + +MR. LANDSEER, the best living animal painter, once asked the late Rev. +Sydney Smith if he would grant him a sitting, whereupon the Rev. Canon +biblically replied--"Is thy servant a dog that he should do this +thing?" + + + + +SPECKLED BUTTER. + + +"DO you want to buy a real lot of butter?" said a Yankee notion dealer, +who had picked up a load at fifty different places, to a Boston +merchant. + +"What kind of butter is it?" asked the buyer. + +"The clean quill; all made by my wife; a dairy of forty cows, only two +churnings." + +"But what makes it so many different colors?" said the merchant. + +"Darnation! hear that, now. I guess you wouldn't ax that question if +you'd see my cows, for they are a darned sight speckleder than the +butter is." + + + + +A LOGICAL BAGGAGE MASTER. + + +THE post of baggage master on a railroad train is not an enviable one. +There is often a wide difference between the company's regulations, and +the passenger's opinion of what articles, and what amount of them, +properly come under the denomination of baggage; and this frequently +subjects the unlucky official of the trunks and bandbox department to +animated discussions with a certain class of the traveling public. We +heard lately an anecdote of George, the affable B. M. on Capt. Cobb's +train on the Virginia and Tennessee road, which is too good to be lost. +A passenger presented himself at a way station on the road, with two +trunks and a saddle for which he requested checks. The baggage master +promptly checked the trunks, but demanded the extra charge of +twenty-five cents for the saddle. To this the passenger demurred, and +losing his temper, peremptorily asked:-- + +"Will you check my baggage, sir?" + +"Are you a horse?" quietly inquired George. + +"What do you mean, sir?" exclaimed the irritated traveler. + +"You claim to have this saddle checked as baggage?" + +"Certainly--it is baggage," positively returned the passenger. + +"Well," said the imperturbable George, "by the company's regulations +nothing but wearing apparel is admitted to be baggage, and if the saddle +is your wearing apparel, of course you must be a horse! Now, sir, just +allow me to strap it on your back, and it shall go to the end of the +road without any extra charge whatever." + +The traveller paid his quarter and offered George his hat.--_Bristol +News._ + + + + +A PHYSICIAN'S LIFE. + + +NOTHING vexes a physician so much as to be sent for in great haste, and +to find, after his arrival, that nothing, or next to nothing, is the +matter with his patient. We remember an "urgent case" of this kind, +recorded of an eminent English surgeon. + +He had been sent for by a gentleman who had just received a slight +wound, and gave his servant orders to go home with all haste imaginable, +and fetch a certain plaster. The patient turning a little pale, said: + +"Heavens, sir! I hope there is no danger!" + +"Indeed there is!" answered the surgeon: "for if the fellow doesn't run +there like a cart horse, the wound will be healed before he can possibly +get back." + + + + +A CONSTELLATION. + + +THE following conversation occurred between a theatrical manager and an +aspirant for Thespian honors: + +"What is your pleasure?" asked the manager. + +"An engagement at your theatre," said the applicant. + +"But you stammer." + +"Like Hatterton." + +"You are very small." + +"Like Kean." + +"You speak monotonously." + +"Like Macready." + +"And through the nose." + +"Like Booth." + +"And you make faces." + +"Like Burton." + +"You have badly shaped legs." + +"Like Wallack." + +"And brawny arms." + +"Like Forrest." + +"An obese person." + +"Like Blake." + +"But you unite the defects of all these stars." + +"Th-th-that's just it. If you engage me, you will need no stars at all." + + + + +INTEREST. + + +"PA, what is the interest of a kiss?" asked a sweet sixteen of her sire. +"Well, really, I don't know. Why do you ask?" "Because George borrowed a +kiss from me last night, and said he would pay it back with interest +after we were married." + + + + +FLATFOOTED COURTSHIP. + + +ONE long summer afternoon there came to Mr. Davidson's the most curious +specimen of an old bachelor the world ever heard of. He was old, gray, +wrinkled, and odd. He hated women, especially old maids, and wasn't +afraid to say so. He and aunt Patty had it hot and heavy, whenever +chance threw them together; yet still he came, and it was noticed that +aunt Patty took unusual pains with her dress whenever he was expected. +One day the contest waged unusually strong. Aunt Patty left him in +disgust and went out into the garden. "The bear!" she muttered to +herself, as she stooped to gather a blossom which attracted her +attention. + +"What did you run away for?" said a gruff voice close to her side. + +"To get rid of you." + +"You didn't do it, did you?" + +"No, you are worse than a burdock bur." + +"You won't get rid of me neither." + +"I won't! eh?" + +"Only in one way." + +"And what?" + +"Marry me!" + +"What! us two fools get married? What will people say?" + +"That's nothing to us. Come, say yes or no, I'm in a hurry." + +"Well, no, then." + +"Very well, good bye. I shan't come again." + +"But stop a bit--what a pucker to be in!" + +"Yes or no?" + +"I must consult"-- + +"All right--I thought you was of age. Good bye." + +"Jabez Andrews, don't be a fool. Come back, come back, I say. Why, I +believe the critter has taken me for earnest. Jabez Andrews, I'll +consider." + +"I don't want no considering. I'm gone. Becky Hastings is waiting for +me. I thought I'd give you the first chance. All right. Good bye." + +"Jabez! Jabez! That stuck up Becky Hastings shan't have him, if I die +for it. Jabez--yes. Do you hear? Y-e-s!" + + + + +AMUSING INCIDENT IN COURT. + + +AT the Durham assizes, a very deaf old lady, who had brought an action +for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the Judge +suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask her what she would +take to settle the matter. "What will you take?" asked a gentleman in a +bob-tailed wig, of the old lady. The old lady merely shook her head at +the counsel, informing the jury, in confidence, that "she was very hard +o' hearing." "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the +counsel again, this time bawling as loud as ever he could in the old +lady's ear. "I thank his lordship kindly," the ancient dame answered +stoutly, "and if it's no ill convenience to him, I'll take a little warm +ale." (Roars of laughter.)--_English Paper._ + + + + +BAD DINNER. + + +THEODORE HOOK, in describing a badly dressed dinner, observed that +everything was sour but the vinegar. + + + + +PRINTER AND DUTCHMAN. + + +SELDOM does a live Dutchman get the credit of more smart things than are +set down to him in this catechism that he puts to a journeyman printer. + +A Dutchman sitting at the door of his tavern in the Far West, is +approached by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigrating westward on foot, +with a bundle on a cane over his shoulder: + +"Vell, Misther Valking Sthick, vat you vant?" + +"Rest and refreshments," replied the printer. + +"Super and lotchin, I reckon?" + +"Yes, supper and lodging, if you please." + +"Pe ye a Yankee peddler, mit chewelry in your pack, to sheat the gals?" + +"No, sir, I am no Yankee peddler." + +"A singin'-master, too lazy to work?" + +"No, sir." + +"A shenteel shoemaker, vat loves to measure te gals' feet and hankles +petter tan to make te shoes?" + +"No, sir, or I should have mended my own shoes." + +"A pook achent, vat podders te school committees till they do vat you +vish, shoost to get rid of you?" + +"Guess again, sir. I am no book agent." + +"Te tyfels! a dentist, preaking te people's jaws at a dollar a shnag, +and running off mit my daughter?" + +"No sir, I am no tooth-puller." + +"Prenologus, ten, feeling te young folks, heads like so much cabbitch?" + +"No, I am no phrenologist." + +"Vell, ten, vat the mischief can you be? Shoost tell, and ye shall have +te pest sassage for supper, and shtay all night, free gratis, mitout a +cent, and a shill of whiskey to start mit in te morning." + +"I am an humble disciple of Faust--a professor of the art that preserves +all arts--a typographer at your service." + +"Votch dat?" + +"A printer, sir: a man that prints books and newspapers." + +"A man vat printish nooshpapers! oh yaw! yaw! ay, dat ish it. A man vat +printish nooshpapers! Yaw! yaw! Valk up! a man vat printish nooshpapers! +I vish I may pe shot if I didn't dink you vas a poor old dishtrict +schoolmaster, who verks for notting and poards around--I tought you vas +him!" + + + + +TRUTH STRANGER THAN FICTION. + + +A NEW ORLEANS lady recently eloped, leaving a note, bidding her +idolizing husband good bye, and requesting him not to mourn for the +children, as "none of them were his." + + + + +TELLING ONE'S AGE. + + +A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said, "Alas! I am near +thirty." Scarron, who was present, and knew her age, said, "Do not fret +at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every +day." + + + + +ALL FLESH IS DUST. + + +"MAMMA," said a promising youth of some four or five years, "if all +people are made of dust, ain't niggers made of coal-dust?" + + + + +TALLEYRAND. + + +AT a time when public affairs were in a very unsettled state, a +gentleman, who squinted terribly, asked Talleyrand how things were going +on. "Why, as you see, Sir," was the reply. + + + + +KITCHINER AND COLMAN. + + +THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivans_ of the day graced the +dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchiner, and, _inter alios_, the late +George Colman, who was an especial favourite; his interpolation of a +little monosyllable in a written admonition which the doctor caused to +be placed on the mantel-piece of the dining-parlour will never be +forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom +permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at +eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's +attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment, +"Come at seven, go it at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret +was punished accordingly. + + + + +CREDIT. + + +AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's +description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his +tradesmen's bills;" Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence +on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of +debts;" and Pelham's argument, that it is respectable to be arrested, +because it shows that the party once had credit. + + + + +SWIFT. + + +IN the reign of King William, it happened that the king had either +chosen or actually taken this motto for his stage coach in Ireland: "Non +rapui, sed recepi,"--"I did not steal it, but received it," alluding to +his being called to the throne by the people. This was reported to Swift +by one of the court emissaries. "And what," said he to the Dean, "do you +think the Prince of Orange has chosen for his motto?" "Dutch cheese," +said the Dean. "No," said the gentleman, "but 'non rapui, sed recepi.'" +"Aye," said the Dean, "but it is an old saying and a true one, '_The +receiver is as bad as the thief._'" + + + + +ALL CORNED. + + +A SHOWMAN giving entertainments in Lafayette, Ind., was offered by one +man a bushel of corn for admission. The manager declined it, saying that +all the members of his company had been corned for the last week. + + + + +THE SEWING MACHINE. + + +"WHAT do you think of the new sewing machine?" inquired a gentleman of +his friend, who was somewhat of a wag. "Oh," replied the punster, "I +consider it a capital make shift." + + + + +POLITENESS. + + +AN Irish officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon ball passed over +his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him; "You +see," said he, "that a man never loses by politeness." + + + + +GEORGE SELWYN. + + +GEORGE SELWYN, as everybody knows, delighted in seeing executions; he +never missed _being in at a death_ at Tyburn. When Lord Holland (the +father of Charles Fox) was confined to bed, by a dangerous illness, he +was informed by his servant that Mr. Selwyn had recently called to +inquire for him. "On his next visit," said Lord Holland, "be sure you +let him in, whether I am alive or a corpse; for, if I am alive, I shall +have great pleasure in seeing _him_; and if I am a corpse, _he will have +great pleasure in seeing me_." + + + + +CHANCERY PUN. + + +LORD ELDON (the Chancellor) related of his predecessor, _Lord Erskine_, +that, being at a dinner party with Captain Parry, after his first voyage +of discovery, he (Lord Erskine) asked the intrepid navigator, what +himself and his hardy crew lived on, when frozen up in the polar seas. +"On _the Seals_, to be sure," replied Parry. "And a very good living, +too," said the ex-chancellor, "if you keep them long enough!"--_Twiss's +Life of Lord Eldon._ + + + + +KILTS. + + +I SHALL be off to the Highlands this fall; but cuss 'em, they han't got +no woods there; nuthin' but heather, and that's only high enough to tear +your clothes. That's the reason the Scotch don't wear no breeches; they +don't like to get 'em ragged up that way for everlastinly; they can't +afford it; so they let 'em scratch and tear their skin, for that will +grow agin, and trousers won't.--_Sam Slick._ + + + + +LORD ELLENBOROUGH. + + +LORD ELLENBOROUGH had infinite wit. When the income-tax was imposed, he +said that Lord Kenyon (who was not very nice in his habits) intended, in +consequence of it, to lay down--his pocket-handkerchief. + +A lawyer, one day, pleading before him, and using several times, the +expression, "my unfortunate client," Lord Ellenborough suddenly +interrupted him: "There, sir, the court is with you." + + + + +EVIDENCE. + + +THE following is the next best thing to the evidence concerning the +stone "_as big as a piece of chalk_." "Were you traveling on the night +this affair took place?" "I should say I was, Sir." "What kind of +weather was it? Was it raining at the time?" "It was so dark that I +could not see it raining; but I felt it dropping, though." "How dark was +it?" "I had no way of telling; but it was not light, by a jug full." +"Can't you compare it to something?" "Why, if I was going to compare it +to anything, I should say it was about as dark as a stack of black +cats." + + + + +AN UP AND DOWN REPLY. + + +DURING the examination of a witness, as to the locality of stairs in a +house, the counsel asked him, "Which way the stairs ran?" The witness, +who, by the way, was a noted wag, replied, that "One way they ran up +stairs, but the other way they ran down stairs." The learned counsel +winked both eyes and then took a look at the ceiling. + + + + +SNORING. + + +A WESTERN statesman, in one of his tours in the Far West, stopped all +night at a house, where he was put in the same room with a number of +strangers. He was very much annoyed by the snoring of two persons. The +black boy of the hotel entered the room, when our narrator said to him: + +"Ben, I will give you five dollars if you will kill that man next to me +who snores so dreadfully." + +"Can't kill him for five dollars, but if massa will advance on the +price, I'll try what I can do." + +By this time the stranger had ceased his nasal fury. The other was now +to be quieted. So stepping to him he woke him, and said: + +"My friend, [he knew who he was,] you're talking in your sleep, and +exposing all the secrets of the Brandon Bank, [he was a director,] you +had better be careful." + +He was careful, for he did not go to sleep that night. + + + + +TANNING. + + +"DADDY," said a hopeful urchin to his parental relative, "why don't our +schoolmaster send the editor of the newspaper an account of all the +lickings he gives to the boys?" + +"I don't know, my son," replied the parent, "but why do you ask me such +a question?" + +"Why, this paper says that Mr. B. has tanned three thousand hides at his +establishment during the past year, and I know that old Grimes has +tanned our hides more'n twice that many times--the editor ought to know +it." + + + + +A PRINTER IN COURT. + + +A SUIT came on the other day in which a printer named Kelvy was a +witness. The case was an assault and battery that came off between two +men named Brown and Henderson. + +"Mr. Kelvy, did you witness the affair referred to?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"Well, what have you to say about it?" + +"That it was the best piece of punctuation I have seen for some time." + +"What do you mean by that?" + +"Why, that Brown dotted one of Henderson's eyes, for which Henderson put +a period to Brown's breathing for about half a minute." + +The court comprehended the matter at once, and fined the defendant fifty +dollars. + + + + +TAKING THE PAPER. + + +"SIR," said a pompous personage who once undertook to bully an editor, +"do you know that I take your paper?" "I've no doubt you take it," +replied the man of the quill, "for several of my honest subscribers have +been complaining lately about their papers being missing in the +morning." + + + + +IMPRESSIVE DISCOURSE. + + +IT is stated that the Rev. George Trask, of Pittsburg, lectured so +powerfully in Webster, a few days ago, against the use of tobacco, that +several of his audience went home and burned their cigars--holding one +end of them in their mouths. + + + + +HOW "GEORGE" BECAME A TEETOTALER. + + +A SHORT time since, a young man living in Ogdensburgh, N. Y., whose name +we shall call George, took to drinking rather more than usual, and some +of his friends endeavored to cure him. One day, when he was in rather a +loose condition, they got him in a room, and commenced conversing about +_delirium tremens_, directing all their remarks to him, and telling him +what fearful objects, such as snakes and rats, were always seen by the +victims of this horrible disease. When the conversation had waxed high +on this theme, one of the number stepped out of the room, and from a +trap which was at hand let a large rat into the room. None of his +friends appeared to see it, but the young man who was to be the victim +seized a chair and hurled it at the rat, completely using up the piece +of furniture in the operation. Another chair shared the same fate, when +his friends seized him, and with terror depicted on their faces, +demanded to know what was the matter. + +"Why, don't you see that cursed big rat?" said he, pointing to the +animal, which, after the manner of rats, was making his way round the +room, close to the walls. + +They all saw it, but all replied that they didn't see it--"_there was no +rat_." + +"But there _is_!" said he, as another chair went to pieces in an +ineffectual attempt to crush the obnoxious vermin. + +At this moment they again seized him, and after a terrific scuffle threw +him down on the floor, and with terror screamed-- + +"Charley! run for a doctor!" + +Charley started for the door, when George desired to be informed "what +the devil was up." + +"Up!" said they, "why, you've got the _delirium tremens_!" + +Charley opened the door to go out, when George raised himself on his +elbow, and said, "Charley, where are you going?" + +"Going!" said Charley, "going for a doctor." + +"Going for a doctor!" rejoined George; "for what?" + +"For what?" repeated Charley, "why, you've got the _delirium tremens_!" + +"The _delirium tremens_--have I?" repeated George. "How do you know I've +got the delirium tremens?" + +"Easy enough," says Charley; "you've commenced _seeing rats_." + +"Seeing rats!" said George, in a sort of musing way; "seeing rats. Think +you must be mistaken, Charley." + +"Mistaken!" said Charley. + +"Yes, mistaken," rejoined George. "_I ain't the man--I haven't seen no +rat!_" + +The boys let George up after that, and from that day to this he hasn't +touched a glass of liquor, and "_seen no rats_"--not the first rat. + + + + +BISHOP BURNET. + + +BISHOP BURNET, once preaching before Charles II., was much warmed by his +subject, and uttering a religious truth in a very earnest manner, with +great vehemence struck his fist upon the desk, and cried out in a loud +voice, "Who dare deny this?" "Faith," observed the king, in a tone not +quite so loud as the preacher, "nobody that is within the reach of that +great fist of yours." + + + + +ANA FROM "MOORE'S LIFE." + + +MERCER mentioned that, on the death of the Danish ambassador here, (in +Paris,) some commissaire of police, having come to the house for the +purpose of making a _procès verbal_ of his death, it was resisted by the +suite, as an infringement of the ambassador's privilege, to which the +answer of the police was, that _Un ambassadeur dès qu'il est mort, +rentre dans la vie privée._--"An ambassador, when dead, returns to +private life." Lord Bristol and his daughters came in the evening; the +Rancliffes, too. Mr. Rich said, at dinner, that a curé (I forget in what +part of France) asked him once, whether it was true that the English +women wore rings in their noses? to which Mr. R. answered, that "in the +north of England, near China, it was possible they might, but certainly +not about London." + +WE talked of Wordsworth's exceedingly high opinion of himself; and she +mentioned, that one day, in a large party, Wordsworth, without anything +having been previously said that could lead to the subject, called out +suddenly, from the top of the table to the bottom, in his most epic +tone, "Davy!" and, on Davy's putting forth his head, in an awful +expectation of what was coming, said, "Do you know the reason why I +published the 'White Doe' in quarto?" "No, what was it?" "To show the +world my own opinion of it." + +BUSHE told of an Irish country squire, who used, with hardly any means, +to give entertainments to the militia, &c., in his neighborhood; and +when a friend expostulated with him, on the extravagance of giving +claret to these fellows, when whiskey punch would do just as well, he +answered, "You are very right, my dear friend; but I have the claret on +tick, and where the devil would I get credit for the _lemons_?" Douglas +mentioned the story of some rich grazier, in Ireland, whose son went on +a tour to Italy, with express injunctions from the father, to write to +him whatever was worthy of notice. Accordingly, on his arrival in Italy, +he wrote a letter, beginning as follows: "Dear Father, the Alps is a +very high mountain, and bullocks bear no price." Lady Susan and her +daughters, and the Kingstons, came in the evening, and all supped. A +French writer mentions, as a proof of Shakspeare's attention to +particulars, his allusion to the climate of Scotland, in the words, +"Hail, hail, all hail!"--_Grêle, grêle, toute grêle._ + +MET Luttrell on the Boulevards, and walked with him. In remarking rather +a pretty woman who passed, he said, "The French women are often in the +suburbs of beauty, but never enter the town." Company at Lord Holland's, +Allen, Henry Fox, the _black_ Fox, (attached to the embassy,) Denon, +and, to my great delight, Lord John Russell, who arrived this morning. +Lord Holland told, before dinner, (_a propos_ of something,) of a man +who professed to have studied "Euclid," all through, and upon some one +saying to him, "Well, solve me that problem," answered, "Oh, I never +looked at the cuts." + +AFTER Williams and I had sung one of the "Irish melodies," somebody +said, "Everything that's national, is delightful." "Except the National +Debt, ma'am," says Poole. Took tea at Vilamil's, and danced to the +piano-forte. Wrote thirteen or fourteen lines before I went out. In +talking of the organs in Gall's craniological system, Poole said he +supposed a drunkard had a _barrel_ organ. + +DINED at Lattin's: company, Lords Holland, John Russell, Thanet, and +Trimelstown; Messrs. Maine de Biron and Denon, Luttrel and Concannon. +Abundance of noise and Irish stories from Lattin; some of them very +good. A man asked another to come and dine off boiled beef and potatoes, +with him. "That I will," says the other; "and it's rather odd it should +be exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, _barring the +beef_." Some one, using the old expression about some light wine he was +giving, "There's not a head-ache in a hogshead of it," was answered; +"No, but there's a belly-ache in every glass of it." Denon told an +anecdote of a man, who, having been asked repeatedly to dinner, by a +person whom he knew to be but a shabby Amphitryon, went at last, and +found the dinner so meagre and bad, that he did not get a bit to eat. +When the dishes were removing, the host said, "Well, now the ice is +broken, I suppose you will ask me to dine with you, some day."--"Most +willingly." "Name your day, then."--"_Aujourd'hui par example_," +answered the dinnerless guest. Luttrel told of a good phrase of an +attorney's, in speaking of a reconciliation that had taken place between +two persons whom he wished to set by the ears, "I am sorry to tell you, +sir, that a compromise has _broken out_ between the parties." + + + + +CATCHUP QUESTION. + + +A PERSON meeting a friend running through the rain, with an umbrella +over him, said, "Where are you running to in such a hurry, _like a mad +mushroom_?" + + + + +A REBUKE. + + +A YANKEE, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured +General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said +Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look +back." + + + + +A GENTLEMAN. + + +"THERE can be no doubt," said Mrs. Nickleby, "that he is a gentleman, +and has the manners of a gentleman, and the appearance of a gentleman, +although he does wear smalls, and gray worsted stockings. That may be +eccentricity, or he may be proud of his legs. I don't see why he +shouldn't be. The Prince Regent was proud of his legs, and so was Daniel +Lambert, who was also a fat man; _he_ was proud of his legs. So was Miss +Biffin: she was--no, "added Mrs. Nickleby, correcting herself, "I think +she had only toes, but the principle is the same."--_Dickens._ + + + + +MODESTY. + + +THERE is a young man in Cincinnati, who is so modest that he will not +"embrace an opportunity." He would make a good mate for the lady who +fainted when she heard of the naked truth. + + + + +NATIONAL PARADOXES. + + +SOMEBODY once remarked, that the Englishman is never happy, but when he +is miserable; the Scotchman is never at home, but when he is abroad; and +the Irishman is never at peace, but when he is fighting. + + + + +A DUTCH JURY. + + +JUDGE JONES, of Indiana, who never allows a chance for a joke to pass +him, occupied the bench when it became necessary to obtain a juryman in +a case in which L----and B---- were employed as counsel. The former was +an illiterate Hibernian, the latter decidedly German in his modes of +expression: + +The sheriff immediately proceeded to look around the room in search of a +person to fill the vacant seat, when he espied a Dutch Jew, and claimed +him as his own. The Dutchman objected. + +"I can't understant goot Englese." + +"What did he say?" asked the judge. + +"I can't understant goot Englese," he repeated. + +"Take your seat," cried the judge, "take your seat; that's no excuse. +You are not likely to hear any of it!" + +Under that decision he took his seat. + + + + +A YELLOW FEVER JOKE. + + +THE _Mobile Advertiser_, of the 19th ult., tells the following good +story of a notorious practical joker of that city, yclept "Straight-back +Dick." Dick was at the wharf, one day last week, when one of the up +river boats arrived. He watched closely the countenance of each +passenger as he stepped from the plank upon the wharf, and at length +fastened his gaze upon an individual, who, from his appearance and +manner, was considerably nearer Mobile than he had ever been before. He +was evidently ill at ease, and had probably heard the reports which were +rife in the country relative to the hundreds dying in Mobile every hour +from yellow fever. The man started off towards Dauphin street, carpet +sack in hand, but had not proceeded far when a heavy hand was laid upon +his shoulder, and he suddenly stopped. Upon turning round, he met the +cold, serious countenance of Dick, and it seemed to send a thrill of +terror throughout his whole frame. After looking at him steadily for +about a minute, Dick slowly ejaculated: + +"Yes, you are the man. Stand straight!" + +With fear visible in his countenance, the poor fellow essayed to do as +commanded. + +"Straighter yet!" said Dick. "There, that will do," and taking from his +pocket a small tape measure, he stooped down and measured him from the +sole of his boot to the crown of his hat, took a pencil and carefully +noted the height in his pocket book, to the utter amazement of the +stranger; after which he measured him across the shoulders, and again +noted the dimensions. He then looked the stranger firmly in the face and +said: + +"Sir, I am very sorry that it is so, but I really will not be able to +finish it for you before morning." + +"Finish what?" asked the stranger, endeavoring in vain to appear calm. + +"Why, your coffin, to be sure! You see, I am the city undertaker, and +the people are dying here so fast, that I can hardly supply the demand +for coffins. You will have to wait until your turn comes, which will be +to-morrow morning--say about 9 o'clock." + +"But what do I want with a coffin? I have no idea of dying!" + +"You haven't, eh? Sir, you will not live two hours and a half. I see it +in your countenance. Why, even now, you have a pain--a slight pain--in +your back." + +"Y-yes, I believe I h-have," replied the trembling hoosier. + +"Exactly," said Dick, "and in your limbs too?" + +"Yes, stranger, you're right, and I begin to feel it in the back of my +neck and head." + +"Of course you do, and unless you do something for it, you'll be dead in +a short time, I assure you. Take my advice now, go back aboard the boat, +swallow down a gill of brandy, get into your state-room, and cover up +with blankets. Stay there till you perspire freely, then leave here like +lightning!" + +Hoosier hurried on board the boat, and followed Dick's instructions to +the letter. He says he never will forget the kindness of the tall man in +Mobile, who gave him such good advice. + + + + +LET OFF. + + +"BOY! did you let off that gun?" exclaimed an enraged schoolmaster. + +"Yes, master." + +"Well, what do you think I'll do to you?" + +"Why, let me off!" + + + + +COMPLIMENTARY. + + +A GENTLEMAN expatiating upon the good looks of women, declared that he +had never yet seen an ugly woman. One who was extremely flat nosed, +said, + +"Sir, I defy you not to find me ugly." + +"You, madam," he replied, "are an angel fallen from heaven, only you +have fallen on your nose." + + + + +KEEN RETORT. + + +A PRIEST said to a peasant whom he thought rude, "You are better fed +than taught." "Shud think I was," replied the clodhopper, "as I feeds +myself and you teaches me." + + + + +THE AUCTIONEER AT HOME. + + +AN auctioneer, vexed with his audience, said: "I am a mean fellow--mean +as dirt--and I feel at home in this company." + + + + +SACKS AND BAGS. + + +MR. LOVER tells a good anecdote of an Irishman giving the pass-word at +the battle of Fontenoy, at the same time the great Saxe was marshal. + +"The pass-word is Saxe; now don't forget it, Pat," said the Colonel. + +"Saxe! faith an' I won't. Wasn't me father a miller?" + +"Who goes there?" cries the sentinel, after he had arrived at the pass. + +Pat looked as confidential as possible, and whispered in a sort of howl, + +"Bags, yer honor." + + + + +ITERATION. + + +A SERVANT girl, on leaving her place, was accosted by her master as to +her reason for leaving. + +"Mistress is so quick-tempered that I cannot live with her," said the +girl. + +"Well," said the gentleman, "you know it is no sooner begun than it's +over." + +"Yes, Sir, and no sooner over than begun again." + + + + +QUID PRO QUO. + + +IN a case tried at the King's Bench, a witness was produced who had a +very red nose; and one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, being +desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was +sworn, + +"Well, let's hear what you have to say, with your copper nose." + +"Why, Sir," said he, "by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange my +copper nose for your brazen face." + + + + +HARD SQUEEZING. + + +A GENTLEMAN from New York, who had been in Boston for the purpose of +collecting some money due him in that city, was about returning, when he +found that one bill of a hundred dollars had been overlooked. His +landlord, who knew the debtor, thought it a doubtful case; but added +that if it _was_ collectable at all, a tall, rawboned Yankee, then +dunning a lodger in another part of the hall, would "worry it out" of +the man. Calling him up, therefore, he introduced him to the creditor, +who showed him the account. + +"Wall, Squire," said he, "'taint much use o' tryin', I guess. I _know_ +that critter. You might as well try to squeeze ile out of Bunker Hill +Monument as to c'lect a debt out of him. But _any_ how, Squire, what'll +you give, sposin' I _do_ try?" + +"Well, Sir, the bill is one hundred dollars, I'll give you--yes, I'll +give you half, if you'll collect it." + +"'Greed," replied the collector, "there's no harm in _tryin'_, any +way." + +Some weeks after, the creditor chanced to be in Boston, and in walking +up Tremont street, encountered his enterprising friend. + +"Look o' here," said he, "Squire. I had considerable luck with that bill +o' yourn. You see, I stuck to him like a log to a root, but for the +first week or so 'twant no use--not a bit. If he was home, he was short; +if he _wasn't_ home I could get no satisfaction. 'By the by,' says I, +after goin' sixteen times, 'I'll fix you!' says I. So I sat down on the +door-step, and sat all day and part of the evening, and I began airly +_next_ day; but about ten o'clock he 'gin in.' _He paid me_ MY _half, +and I gin him up the note!_" + + + + +PAT'S RESPONSE. + + +AN Irishman was about to marry a Southern girl for her property. "Will +you take this woman to be your wedded wife?" said the minister. "Yes, +your riverence, and the _niggers_ too," said Pat. + + + + +WANTED SATISFACTION. + + +"WELL, Pat, Jimmy didn't quite kill you with a brickbat, did he?" "No, +but I wish he had." "What for?" "So I could have seen him hung, the +villain!" + + + + +MEAN _vs._ MEANS. + + +"IS Mr. Brown a man of means?" asked a gentleman of old Mrs. Fizzleton, +referring to one of her neighbors. "Well I reckon he ought to be," +drawled out the old bel-dame, "for he is just the meanest man in town." + + + + +WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR HOUSE. + + +ARTER we wus married, we'll say about a year, wun mornin' thar wus a +terrible commoshun in our house--old wimmin a runnin in an out, and +finally the Doctor he cum. I was in a great hurry myself, wantin to +heer, I hardly noed what, but after a while, an ole granny of a woman, +as had been very busy about that, poked her head into the room whar I +was a walkin' about and ses: + +Ses she, "Mr. Sporum, hit's a gal." + +"What," ses I. + +"A gal," ses she, an with that she pops her head back agin. + +Well, thinks I, I'm the daddy uv a gal, and begin to feel my keepin' +mitely--I'd rather it was a boy tho', thinks I, fur then he'd feel +neerur to me, as how he'd bare my name and there be less chance fur the +Sporums to run out, but considerin' everything, a gal will do mi'ty +well. Jist then the ole nuss pokes her head out agin and ses, + +Ses she, "Anuther wun, Mr. Sporum; a fine boy." + +"Anuther," ses I, "that's rather crowdin' things on to a feller." + +She laffed and poked her he'd back. Well, thinks I, this is no joke +sure, at this lick I'll have family enuff to do me in a few years. + +Jis then the ole she devil (always shall hate her) pokes her he'd in, +and ses, + +Ses she, "Anuther gal, Mr. Sporum." + +"Anuther whot," ses I. + +"Anuther gal," ses she. + +"Well," ses I, "go rite strate and tell Sal I won't stand it, I don't +want 'em, and I ain't goin' to have 'em; dus she think I'm a Turk? or a +Mormon? or Brigham Young? that she go fur to have tribbles?--three at a +pop! Dus she think I'm wurth a hundred thousand dollars? that I'm Jo'n +Jacob Aster, or Mr. Roschile? that I kin afford thribbles, an clothe an +feed an school three children at a time? I ain't a goin' to stand it no +how, I didn't want 'em, I don't want 'em, and ain't a going to want 'em +now, nur no uther time. Hain't I bin a good and dootiful husband to Sal? +Hain't I kep' in doors uv a nite, an quit chawn tobacker and smokin' +segars just to please her? Hain't I attended devine worship reg'lar? +Hain't I bought her all the bonnets an frocks she wanted? an then for +her to go an have thribbs. She noed better an hadn't orter dun it. I +didn't think Sal wud serve me such a trick now. Have I ever stole a +horse? Have I ever done enny mean trick, that she should serve me in +this way?" An with that I laid down on the settee, an felt orful bad, an +the more I tho't about it, the wus I felt. + +Presently Sal's mammy, ole Miss Jones, cums in an ses, + +Ses she, "Peter, cum in and see what purty chillun you've got." + +"Chillun!" says I, "you'd better say a 'hole litter. Now Miss Jones, I +luv Sal you no, an have tried to make a good husban', but I call this a +scaly trick, an ef thar's any law in this country I'm goin' to see ef a +woman kin have thribbs, an make a man take keer uv 'em. I ain't goin' to +begin to do it," ses I. + +With that she laffed fit to kill herself, an made all sorts of fun of +me, an sed enny uther man would be proud to be in my shoes. I told her +I'd sell out mi'ty cheap ef enny body wanted to take my place. Well, the +upshot uv it wus that she pursuaded me that I wus 'rong, an got me to +go into the room whar they all wus. + +When I got in, Sal looked so lovin' at me, an reached out her little +hands so much like a poor, dear little helpless child, that I forgot +everything but my luv for her, and folded her gently up tu my h'art like +a precious treasure, and felt like I didn't keer ef she had too and +forty uv em. Jist then number wun set up a whine like a young pup, an +all the ballance follered. _Them thribbles noed their daddy._ + +Well, everything wus made up, an Sal promised she wud never do it agin; +an sense then I have bin at work sertin, workin all day to make bred for +them thribs, an bissy nus'n uv 'em at nite. The fact is, ef I didn't +have a mi'ty good constitushun, I'd had to giv' in long ago. Number wun +has the collick an wakes up number too an he wakes up number three, an +so it goes, an me a flying about all the time a tryin' to keep 'em +quiet. + + + + +GENEROUS CHILD. + + +_Mother_--Here, Tommy, is some nice castor oil, with orange ice in it. + +_Doctor_--Now, remember, don't give it all to Tommy, leave some for me. + +_Tommy_--(who has "been there")--Doctor's a nice man, ma, give it all to +the Doctor! + + + + +ALL THE RECIPROCATING ON ONE SIDE. + + +"CAN you return my love, dearest Julia?" "Certainly, Sir, I don't want +it I'm sure." + + + + +HOW HE MEANT TO DO BETTER. + + +A FEW days since, as a lady of rather inquisitive character was visiting +our county seat, among other places she called at the Jail. She would +ask the different prisoners for what crime they were in there. It went +off well enough, till she came to a rather hard looking specimen of +humanity, whom she asked: + +"What are you in here for?" + +"For stealing a horse." + +"Are you not sorry for it?" + +"Yes." + +"Won't you try and do better next time?" + +"_Yes! I'll steal two._" + + + + +DUTCH SOLILOQUY. + + +A DUTCHMAN'S heart-rending soliloquy is described thus: "She lofes Shon +Mickle so much better as I, pecause he's cot koople tollers more as I +has!" + + + + +JUST ALIKE. + + +A STUTTERING man at a public table, had occasion to use a pepper box. +After shaking it with all due vengeance, and turning it in various ways, +he found that the pepper was in no wise inclined to come forth. + +"T-th-this-p-pep-per box," he exclaimed, with a sagacious grin, "is +so-something like myself." + +"Why?" asked a neighbor. + +"P-poor-poor delivery," he replied. + + + + +STORY OF A WIG. + + +LORD ELLENBOROUGH was once about to go on the circuit, when Lady E. said +that she should like to accompany him. He replied that he had no +objections, provided she did not encumber the carriage with bandboxes, +which were his utter abhorrence. They set off. During the first day's +journey, Lord Ellenborough, happening to stretch his legs, struck his +feet against something below the seat. He discovered that it was a +bandbox. His indignation is not to be described. Up went the window, and +out went the bandbox. The coachman stopped; and the footman, thinking +that the bandbox had tumbled out of the window by some extraordinary +chance, was going to pick it up, when Lord Ellenborough furiously called +out, "Drive on!" The bandbox accordingly was left by a ditch side. +Having reached the county-town, where he was to officiate as judge, Lord +Ellenborough proceeded to array himself for his appearance in the +court-house. "Now," said he, "where's my wig,--where _is_ my wig?" "My +Lord," replied his attendant, "it was thrown out of the carriage +window." + + + + +A SINGULAR FORGIVENESS. + + +SIR Walter Scott, in his article in the _Quarterly Review_, on the +Culloden papers, mentions a characteristic instance of an old Highland +warrior's mode of pardon. "You must forgive even your bitterest enemy, +Kenmuir, now," said the confessor to him, as he lay gasping on his +death-bed. "Well, if I must, I must," replied the Chieftain, "but my +curse be on you, Donald," turning towards his son, "if you forgive +him." + + + + +CABBAGE AND DITTO. + + +WE have just now heard a cabbage story which we will cook up for our +laughter loving readers: + +"Oh! I love you like anything," said a young countryman to his +sweetheart, warmly pressing her hand. + +"Ditto," said she gently returning his pressure. + +The ardent lover, not happening to be over and above learned, was sorely +puzzled to understand the meaning of ditto--but was ashamed to expose +his ignorance by asking the girl. He went home, and the next day being +at work in a cabbage patch with his father, he spoke out: + +"Daddy, what's the meaning of ditto?" + +"Why," said the old man, "this here is one cabbage head, ain't it?" + +"Yes, daddy." + +"Well, that ere's ditto." + +"Rot that good-for-nothing gal!" ejaculated the indignant son; "she +called me a cabbage head, and I'll be darned if ever I go to see her +again." + + + + +FLAG AT HALF-MAST. + + +AN old sailor, at the theatre, said he supposed that dancing girls wore +their dresses at half-mast as a mark of respect to departed modesty. + + + + +LONGFELLOW. + + +SOME one having lavishly lauded Longfellow's aphorism, "Suffer, and be +strong," a matter-of-fact man observed that it was merely a variation of +the old English adage, "Grin, and bear it." + + + + +A SORREL SHEEP. + + +SOME years ago, a bill was up before the Alabama Legislature for +establishing a Botanical College at Wetumpka. Several able speakers had +made long addresses in support of the bill when one Mr. Morrisett, from +Monroe, took the floor. With much gravity he addressed the House as +follows: "Mr. Speaker, I cannot support this bill unless assured that a +distinguished friend of mine is made one of the professors. He is what +the bill wishes to make for us, a regular root doctor, and will suit the +place exactly. He became a doctor in two hours, and it only cost him +twenty dollars to complete his education. He bought a book, Sir, and +read the chapter on fevers, that was enough. He was called to see a sick +woman indeed, and he felt her wrist, looked into her mouth, and then, +turning to her husband, asked solemnly, if he had a 'sorrel sheep?' +'Why, no, I never heard of such a thing.' Said the doctor, nodding his +head knowingly, 'Have you got a sorrel horse then?' 'Yes,' said the man, +'I drove him to the mill this morning.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'he +must be killed immediately, and some soup made of him for your wife.' +The woman turned her head away, and the astonished man inquired if +something else would not do for the soup, the horse was worth a hundred +dollars, and was all the one he had. 'No,' said the doctor, 'the book +says so, and if you don't believe it I will read it to you: Good for +fevers--sheep sorrel or horse sorrel. There, Sir.' 'Why, doctor,' said +the man and his wife, 'it don't mean a sorrel sheep or horse, but--' +'Well, I know what I am about,' interrupted the doctor; 'that's the way +we doctors read it, and we understand it.' "Now," continued the +speaker, amidst the roars of the house, "unless my sorrel doctor can be +one of the professors, I must vote against this bill." The blow most +effectually killed the bill, it is needless to state. + + + + +EDITORIALS. + + +A NOTED chap once stepped in the sanctum of a venerable and highly +respected editor, and indulged in a tirade against a citizen with whom +he was on bad terms. "I wish," said he, addressing the man with the pen, +"that you would write a severe article against R----, and put it in your +paper." "Very well," was the reply. After some more conversation the +visitor went away. The next morning he came rushing into the office, in +a violent state of excitement. "What did you put in your paper? I have +had my nose pulled and been kicked twice." "I wrote a severe article, as +you desired," calmly returned the editor, "and signed your name to +it."--_Harrisburgh Telegraph._ + + + + +COMPENSATION. + + +A MISERLY old farmer, who had lost one of his best hands in the midst of +hay-making, remarked to the sexton, as he was filling up the grave: +"It's a sad thing to lose a good mower, at a time like this--but after +all, poor Tom was a great eater." + + + + +JUST RIGHT. + + +"IS that clock right over there?" asked a visitor. "Right over there? +Certainly; 'tain't nowhere else." + + + + +FUNNY MISTAKE. + + +LORD SEAFORTH, who was born deaf and dumb, was to dine, one day, with +Lord Melville. Just before the time of the company's arrival, Lady +Melville sent into the drawing-room, a lady of her acquaintance, who +could talk with her fingers to dumb people, that she might receive Lord +Seaforth. Presently, Lord Guilford entered the room, and the lady, +taking him for Lord Seaforth, began to ply her fingers very nimbly: Lord +Guilford did the same; and they had been carrying on a conversation in +this manner for about ten minutes, when Lady Melville joined them. Her +female friend immediately said, "Well, I have been talking away to this +dumb man." "Dumb!" cried Lord Guilford; "bless me, I thought _you_ were +dumb."--I told this story (which is perfectly true) to Matthews; and he +said that he could make excellent use of it, at one of his evening +entertainments; but I know not if he ever did.--_Rogers' Table-talk._ + + + + +FILIAL AFFECTION. + + +"IF ever I wanted anything of my father," said Sam, "I always asked for +it in a very 'spectful and obliging manner. If he didn't give it to me, +I took it, for fear I should be led to do anything wrong, through not +having it. I saved him a world o' trouble this way, Sir."--_Dickens._ + + + + +DEFINITE INFORMATION. + + +"WELL, Robert, how much did your pig weigh?" "It did not weigh as much +as I _expected_, and I always thought it _wouldn't_."--_Detroit +Spectator._ + + + + +FRENCHMEN'S ENGLISH. + + +Copied, three years ago, from a card in the _Hôtel du Rhin_, at +Boulogne. + +"SPECIAL omnibus, on the arrived and on the départure, of every convoy +of the railway. Restoration on the card, and dinners at all hour. + +Table d'hôte at ten half-past, one, and five o'clock. + +Bathing place horses and walking carriage. + +Interpreter attached to the hôtel. Great and little apartments with +saloon for family. + +This établissement entirely new, is admirably situed, on the centre of +the town at proximity of the theatre and coach office, close by the post +horses offer to the travellers all the comfortable désirable and is +proprietor posse by is diligence and is good tenuous justifyed the +confidence wich the travellers pleased to honoured him." + +(The orthography and pointing of the stops, are precisely as printed in +the card.) + + + + +ADMIRAL DUNCAN. + + +ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers, who came on board his ship for +instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both +laconic and humorous, "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_ approaching; +I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire." + + + + +TOM DIBDIN'S TOAST. + + +POOR Tom Dibdin, a convivial, but always a sober man, gives a delicate +allusion to the drinking propensity, in the following toast:--"May the +man who has a good wife, never be addicted to liquor (_lick +her_.)"--_Bentley's Miscellany._ + + + + +KICKING A YANKEE. + + +A VERY handsome friend of ours, who a few weeks ago was poked out of a +comfortable office up the river, has taken himself to Bangor for a time +to recover from the wound inflicted upon his feelings by our +"unprincipled and immolating administration." + +Change of air must have had an instant effect upon his spirits, for, +from Galena, he writes us an amusing letter, which, among other things, +tells of a desperate quarrel that took place on board of a boat, between +a real live tourist and a real live Yankee settler. The latter trod on +the toes of the former, whereupon the former threatened to "kick out of +the cabin" the latter. + +"You'll kick me out of this cabing?" + +"Yes, Sir, I'll kick you out of this cabin!" + +"You'll kick _me_, Mr. Hitchcock, out of this cabing?" + +"Yes, Sir, I'll kick _you_, Mr. Hitchcock!" + +"Well, I guess," said the Yankee, very coolly, after being perfectly +satisfied that it was himself that stood in such imminent danger of +assault, "I guess, since you talk of kicking, you've never heard me tell +about old Bradly and my mare to hum?" + +"No, Sir, nor do I wish--" + +"Wall, guess it won't set you back much, any how, as kicking's generally +best to be considered on. You see old Bradly is one of those +sanctimonious, long-faced hypocrites who put on a religious suit every +Sabbath day morning, and with a good deal of screwing, manage to keep it +on till after sermon in the afternoon; and as I was a Universalist, he +allers picked me out as a subject for religious conversation--and the +darned hypocrite would talk about heaven, and hell, and the devil--the +crucifixion and prayer without ever winking. Wall, he had an old roan +mare that would jump over any fourteen rail fence in Illinois, and open +any door in any barn that hadn't a padlock on it. Tu or three times I +found her in my stable, and I told Bradly about it, and he was 'very +sorry--an unruly animal--would watch'--and a hull lot of such things; +all said in a serious manner, with a face twice as long as old deacon +Farrar's on sacrament day. + +"I knew, all the time, he was lying, and so I watched him and his old +roan tu; and for three nights regular, old roan came to my stable about +bed-time, and just at day-light Bradly would come, bridle her, and ride +off. I then just took my old mare down to a blacksmith's shop and had +some shoes made with corks about four inches long, and had 'em nailed on +her hind feet. Your heels, mister, ain't nuthin to 'em. I took her +hum--gave her about ten feet halter, tied her right in the centre of the +stable, fed her well with oats at nine o'clock, and after taking a good +smoke, went to bed, knowing that my old mare was a truth-telling animal, +and that she'd give a good report of herself in the morning. + +"I hadn't got fairly asleep before the old woman hunched me, and wanted +to know what on airth was the matter out in the stable. So says I, 'Go +to sleep, Peggy, it's nothing but Kate--she's kicking off flies, I +guess.' Putty soon she hunched me again, and says, 'Mr. Hitchcock, du +get up, and see what in the world is the matter with Kate, for she is +kicking most powerfully.' + +"'Lay still, Peggy, Kate will take care of herself, I guess.' + +"Well the next morning, about daylight, Bradly, with bridle in hand, cum +to the stable, and true as the book of Genesis, when he saw the old +roan's sides, starn, and head, he cursed and swore worse than you did, +mister, when I came down on your toes. After breakfast that morning, Joe +Davis cum down to my house, and says he-- + +"'Bradly's old roan is nearly dead--she's cut all to pieces, and can +scarcely move.' + +"'I want to know,' says I; 'how on airth did it happen?' + +"Now Joe was a member of the same church with Bradly, and whilst we were +talking, up cum the everlastin hypocrite, and says he, + +"'My old mare is ruined!' + +"'Du tell!' says I. + +"'She is all cut to pieces,' says he; 'do you know whether she was in +your stable, Mr. Hitchcock, last night?' + +"Wall, mister, with this I let out: 'Do I _know_ it?'--(the Yankee here, +in illustration, made way for him, unconsciously, as it were.) 'Do I +know it, you no-souled, shad-bellied, squash-headed old night owl, +you!--you hay-lookin, corn-cribbin, fodder-fudgin, cent-shavin, +whitlin-of-nothin, you? Kate kicks like a dumb beast, but I have reduced +the thing to a science!'" + +The Yankee had not ceased to advance, nor the dandy, in his +astonishment, to retreat; and now the motion of the latter being +accelerated by the apparent demonstration on the part of the former to +suit the action to the word, he found himself in the "social hall," +tumbling backwards over a pile of baggage, tearing the knees of his +pants as he scrambled up, and a perfect scream of laughter stunning him +on all sides. The defeat was total. A few moments afterward he was seen +dragging his own trunk ashore, while Mr. Hitchcock finished his story on +the boiler deck.--_St. Louis Reveille._ + + + + +DANCING THEIR RAGS OFF. + + +TWO unsophisticated country lasses visited Niblo's in New York during +the ballet season. When the short-skirted, gossamer clad nymphs made +their appearance on the stage they became restless and fidgety. + +"Oh, Annie!" exclaimed one _sotto voce_. + +"Well, Mary?" + +"It ain't nice--I don't like it." + +"Hush." + +"I don't care, it ain't nice, and I wonder aunt brought us to such a +place." + +"Hush, Mary, the folks will laugh at you." + +After one or two flings and a pirouette, the blushing Mary said: + +"Oh, Annie, let's go--it ain't nice, and I don't feel comfortable." + +"Do hush, Mary," replied the sister, whose own face was scarlet, though +it wore an air of determination: "it's the first time I ever was at a +theatre, and I suppose it will be the last, _so I am just going to stay +it out, if they dance every rag off their backs_!" + + + + +DISINTERESTED ADVICE. + + +"HUSBAND, I have the asthma so bad that I can't breathe." "Well, my +dear, I wouldn't try; nobody wants you to." + + + + +AN EDITOR DREAMING ON WEDDING CAKE. + + +A BACHELOR editor out West, who had received from the fair hand of a +bride, a piece of elegant wedding-cake to dream on, thus gives the +result of his experience. + +"We put it under the head of our pillow, shut our eyes sweetly as an +infant blessed with an easy conscience, and snored prodigiously. The God +of dreams gently touched us, and lo! in fancy we were married! Never was +a little editor so happy. It was 'my love,' 'dearest,' 'sweetest,' +ringing in our ears every moment. Oh! that the dream had broken off +here. But no! some evil genius put it into the head of our ducky to have +pudding for dinner just to please her lord. + +"In a hungry dream, we sat down to dinner. Well, the pudding moment +arrived, and a huge slice almost obscured from sight the plate before +us. + +"'My dear,' said we fondly, 'did you make this?' + +"'Yes, my love, ain't it nice?' + +"'Glorious--the best bread pudding I ever tasted in my life.' + +"'Plum pudding, ducky,' suggested my wife. + +"'O, no, dearest, bread pudding. I was always fond of 'em.' + +"'Call them bread pudding!' exclaimed my wife, while her lips slightly +curled with contempt. + +"'Certainly, my dear--reckon I've had enough at the Sherwood House, to +know bread pudding, my love, by all means.' + +"'Husband--this is really too bad--plum pudding is twice as hard to make +as bread pudding, and is more expensive, and is a great deal better. I +say this is plum pudding, sir!' and my pretty wife's brow flushed with +excitement. + +"'My love, my sweet, my dear love,' exclaimed we soothingly, 'do not get +angry. I am sure it is very good, if it is bread pudding.' + +"'You mean, low wretch,' fiercely replied my wife, in a higher tone, +'you know it's plum pudding.' + +"'Then, ma'am, it's so meanly put together and so badly burned, that the +devil himself wouldn't know it. I tell you, madam, most distinctly and +emphatically, that it is bread pudding and the meanest kind at that.' + +"'It is plum pudding,' shrieked my wife, as she hurled a glass of claret +in my face, the glass itself tapping the claret from my nose. + +"'Bread pudding!' gasped we, pluck to the last, and grasped a roasted +chicken by the left leg. + +"'Plum pudding!' rose above the din, as I had a distinct perception of +feeling two plates smashed across my head. + +"'Bread pudding!' we groaned in a rage, as the chicken left our hand and +flying with swift wing across the table landed in madam's bosom. + +"'Plum pudding!' resounded the war-cry from the enemy, as the gravy-dish +took us where we had been depositing a part of our dinner, and a plate +of beets landed upon our white vest. + +"'Bread pudding forever!' shouted we in defiance, dodging the soup +tureen, and falling beneath its contents. + +"'Plum pudding!' yelled the amiable spouse; noticing our misfortune, she +determined to keep us down by piling upon our head the dishes with no +gentle hand. Then in rapid succession, followed the war-cries. 'Plum +pudding!' she shrieked with every dish. + +"'Bread pudding,' in smothered tones, came up from the pile in reply. +Then it was 'plum pudding,' in rapid succession, the last cry growing +feebler, till just as I can distinctly recollect, it had grown to a +whisper. 'Plum pudding' resounded like thunder, followed by a tremendous +crash as my wife leaped upon the pile with her delicate feet, and +commenced jumping up and down, when, thank heaven! we awoke, and thus +saved our life. We shall never dream on wedding cake again--that's the +moral." + + + + +PAT QUERY. + + +A GENTLEMAN was threatening to beat a dog who barked intolerably. "Why," +exclaimed an Irishman, "would you beat the poor dumb animal for spakin' +out?" + + + + +FRIENDLY VISITS. + + +A GENTLEMAN was speaking the other day of the kindness of his friends in +visiting him. One old aunt in particular visited him twice a year, and +stayed six months each time. + + + + +REMOTE. + + +"I'D have you to know, Mrs. Stoker, that my uncle was a banister of the +law." + +"A fig for your banister," retorted Mrs. Grumly, turning up her nose, +"haven't I a cousin as is a corridor in the navy?" + + + + +A CAT STORY. + + +A PHILOSOPHICAL old gentleman was one day passing a new school-house, +erected somewhere towards the setting sun borders of our glorious Union, +when his attention was suddenly attracted to a crowd of persons gathered +around the door. He inquired of a boy, whom he met, what was going on. + +"Well, nothin', 'cept the skule committy, and they're goin' in." + +"A committee meets to-day! What for?" + +"Well," continued the boy, "you see Bill, that's our biggest boy, got +mad at the teacher, and so he went all round and gathered dead cats. +Nothin' but cats, and cats, and cats. Oh! it was orful, them cats!" + +"Pshaw! what have the cats to do with the school committee?" + +"Now, well, you see Bill kept a bringing cats and cats; allers a pilin' +them up yonder," pointing to a huge pile as large in extent as a +pyramid, and considerably aromatic, "and he piled them. Nothing but +cats, cats!" + +"Never mind, my son, what Bill did; what has the committee met for?" + +"Then Bill got sick haulin' them, and everybody got sick a nosin' them, +but Bill got madder, and didn't give it up, but kept a pilin' up the +cats and--" + +"Can you tell what the committee are holding a meeting for?" + +"Why, the skule committy are goin' to hold a meetin' up here to say +whether they'll move the skule house or the cats." + +The old gentleman evaporated immediately. + + + + +CONUNDRUMS. + + +IF a husband were to see his wife drowning, what single letter of the +alphabet would he name?--_Answer._ Let-her B. + +WHAT is most like a hen stealing?--_Ans._ A cock _robbing_ (robin). + +WHAT wind would a hungry sailor wish for, at sea?--_Ans._--A wind that +blows _fowl_ and then _chops_. + +WHEN is a lane dangerous to walk in?--_Ans._ When the hedges are +_shooting_, and the _bull-rushes_ out. + +IN what color should a secret be kept?--_Ans._ In violet (inviolate). + +WHAT proof is there that Robinson Crusoe found his island +inhabited?--_Ans._ Because he saw a great swell pitching into a little +cove. + +WHAT was Joan of Arc made of?--_Ans._ _Maid_ of Orleans. + +WHY is the county of Bucks, like a drover's stick?--_Ans._ Because it +runs into _Oxon_ (oxen) and Herts (_hurts_). + +WHO is the greatest dandy you meet at sea?--_Ans._ The great _swell_ of +the ocean. + +WHY may it be presumed that Moses wore a wig?--_Ans._ Because he was +sometimes seen with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without. + + + + +LOVE. + + +A LITTLE sighing, a little crying, a little dying, and a deal of +lying.--_Jonathan._ + + + + +THE THIEF AND THE DUKE. + + +THE great Duke of Marlborough, passing the gate of the Tower, after +having inspected that fortress, was accosted by an ill-looking fellow, +with, "How do you do, my Lord Duke? I believe your Grace and I have now +been in every jail in the kingdom?" "I believe, my friend," replied the +Duke, with surprise, "this is the only jail I ever visited." "Very +like," replied the other, "but I have been in all the rest." + + + + +LOSS OF TIME. + + +A DEVOTEE lamented to her confessor, her love of gaming. "Ah, madam," +replied the priest, "it is a grievous sin:--in the first place, consider +the loss of time." "Yes," replied the fair penitent, "I have often +begrudged the time lost in _shuffling_ and _dealing_." + + + + +UNEXPECTED REPLY. + + +A PREACHER, in Arabia, having for his text, a portion of the Koran, "I +have called Noah," after twice repeating his text, made a long pause; +when an Arab present, thinking that he was waiting for an answer, +exclaimed, "If Noah will not come, call somebody else." + + + + +GENEROUS. + + +"I WILL save you a thousand pounds," said a young buck to an old +gentleman. "How?" "You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten +thousand pounds as her portion." "I do." "Sir, I will take her with nine +thousand." + + + + +FRIENDLY BANTER. + + +FRIEND GRACE, it seems, had a very good horse and a very poor one. When +seen riding the latter, he was asked the reason (it turned out that his +better half had taken the good one). "What!" said the bantering +bachelor, "how comes it you let your mistress ride the better horse?" +The only reply was--"Friend, when thee beest married theel't know." + + + + +TAKING A RECEIPT. + + +THE Hartford Times vouches for the truth of the following story: + +"Pat Malone, you are fined five dollars for assault and battery on Mike +Sweeney." + +"I have the money in me pocket, and I'll pay the fine, if your honor +will give me the resate." + +"We give no receipts here. We just take the money. You will not be +called upon a second time for your fine." + +"But your honor, I'll not be wanting to pay the same till after I get +the resate." + +"What do you want to do with it?" + +"If your honor will write one and give it to me, I'll tell you." + +"Well, there's your receipt. Now what do you want to do with it?" + +"I'll tell your honor. You see, one of those days I'll be after dying, +and when I go to the gate of heaven I'll rap, and St. Peter will say, +'Who's there?' and I'll say, 'It's me, Pat Malone,' and he'll say, 'What +do you want?' and I'll say, 'I want to come in,' and he'll say, 'Did you +behave like a dacent boy in the other world, and pay all the fines and +such things?' and I'll say, 'Yes, your holiness,' and then he'll want to +see the resate, and I'll put my hand in my pocket and take out my resate +and give it to him, and I'll not have to go ploddin' all over hell to +find your honor to get one." + + + + +KIND FATHER. + + +AN old gentleman says, he is the last man in the world to tyrannize over +a daughter's affections. So long as she marries the man of _his_ choice, +he don't care who she loves. + + + + +DESTROYING THE ROMANCE. + + +A CAPITAL story is told of a young fellow who one Sunday strolled into a +village church, and during the service was electrified and gratified by +the sparkling of a pair of eyes which were riveted upon his face. After +the service he saw the possessor of the shining orbs leave the church +alone, and emboldened by her glances, he ventured to follow her, his +heart aching with rapture. He saw her look behind, and fancied she +evinced some emotion at recognizing him. He then quickened his pace, and +she actually slackened hers, as if to let him come up with her--but we +will permit the young gentleman to tell the rest in his own way: + +"Noble young creature!" thought I, "her artless and warm heart is +superior to the bonds of custom. + +"I had reached within a stone's throw of her. She suddenly halted, and +turned her face toward me. My heart swelled to bursting. I reached the +spot where she stood, she began to speak, and I took off my hat as if +doing reverence to an angel. + +"'Are you a peddler?' + +"'No, my dear girl, that is not my occupation.' + +"'Well, I don't know,' continued she, not very bashfully, and eyeing me +very sternly, 'I thought when I saw you in the meetin' house that you +looked like a peddler who passed off a pewter half dollar on me three +weeks ago, an' so I just determined to keep an eye on you. Brother John +has got home now, and says if he catches the fellow he'll wring his neck +for him; and I ain't sure but you're the good-for-nothing rascal after +all!'" + + + + +DOING A YANKEE. + + +SIR ALLEN MCNAB was once traveling by steamer, and as luck would have +it, was obliged to occupy a state-room with a full blooded Yankee. In +the morning, while Sir Allen was dressing, he beheld his companion +making thorough researches into his (Sir Allen's) dressing case. Having +completed his examination, he proceeded coolly to select the +tooth-brush, and therewith to bestow on his long yellow teeth an +energetic scrubbing. Sir Allen said not a word. When Jonathan had +concluded, the old Scotchman gravely set the basin on the floor, soaped +one foot well, and taking the tooth-brush, applied it vigorously to his +toes and toe-nails. + +"You dirty fellow," exclaimed the astonished Yankee, "what the mischief +are you doing that for?" + +"Oh," said Sir Allen coolly, "that's the brush I always do it with." + + + + +DROVERS _vs._ FOPS. + + +DINNER was spread in the cabin of that peerless steamer, the New World, +and a splendid company were assembled about the table. Among the +passengers thus prepared for gastronomic duty, was a little creature of +the genus Fop, decked daintily as an early butterfly, with kids of +irreproachable whiteness, "miraculous" neck-tie, and spider-like +quizzing glass on his nose. The little delicate animal turned his head +aside with, + +"Waitah!" + +"Sah!" + +"Bwing me a pwopellah of a fwemale woostah!" + +"Yes, Sah!" + +"And, waitah, tell the steward to wub my plate with a vegetable, +wulgarly called onion, which will give a delicious flavow to my dinnah." + +While the refined exquisite was giving his order, a jolly western drover +had listened with opened mouth and protruding eyes. When the diminutive +creature paused, he brought his fist down upon the table with a force +that made every dish bounce, and then thundered out: + +"Here you darned ace-of-spades!" + +"Yes, Sah!" + +"Bring me a thunderin' big plate of skunk's gizzards!" + +"Sah!" + +"And, old ink pot, tuck a horse blanket under my chin, and rub me down +with brickbats while I feed!" + +The poor dandy showed a pair of straight coat-tails instanter, and the +whole table joined in a "tremenjous" roar. + + + + +STORY OF AN ALMANAC MAKER. + + +DAVID DITSON was and is the great Almanac man, calculating the signs and +wonders in the heavens, and furnishing the astronomical matter with +which those very useful annuals abound. In former years it was his +custom, in all his almanacs, to utter sage predictions as to the +weather, at given periods in the course of the revolving year. Thus he +would say, 'About--this--time--look--out--for--a--change--of--weather; +and by stretching such a prophecy half-way down the page, he would make +very sure that in some one of the days included, the event foretold +would come to pass. He got cured of this spirit of prophecy, in a very +remarkable manner. One summer day, clear and calm as a day could be, he +was riding on horseback; it was before railroads were in vogue, and +being on a journey some distance from home, and wishing to know how far +it was to the town he was going to visit, he stopped at the roadside and +inquired of a farmer at work in the field. The farmer told him it was +six miles; "but," he added, "you must ride sharp, or you will get a wet +jacket before you reach it." + +"A wet jacket!" said the astronomer; "you don't think it is going to +rain, do you?" + +"No, I don't _think_ so, I know so," replied the farmer; "and the longer +you sit there, the more likely you are to get wet." + +David thought the farmer a fool, and rode on, admiring the blue sky +uncheckered by a single cloud. He had not proceeded more than half the +distance to the town before the heavens were overcast, and one of those +sudden showers not unusual in this latitude came down upon him. There +was no place for shelter, and he was drenched to the skin. But the rain +was soon over, and David thought within himself, that old man must have +some way of guessing the weather that beats all my figures and facts. I +will ride back and get it out of him. It will be worth more than a day's +work to learn a new sign. By the time he had reached the farmer's field +again, the old man had resumed his labor, and David accosted him very +respectfully: + +"I say, my good friend, I have come all the way back to ask you how you +were able to say that it would certainly rain to-day?" + +"Ah," said the sly old fellow, "and wouldn't you like to know!" + +"I would certainly; and as I am much interested in the subject, I will +willingly give you five dollars for your rule." + +The farmer acceded to the terms, took the money, and proceeded to say: + +"Well, you see now, we all use David Ditson's almanacs around here, and +he is the greatest liar that ever lived; for whenever he says 'it's +going to rain,' we know it ain't; and when he says 'fair weather,' we +look out for squalls. Now this morning I saw it put down for to-day +_Very pleasant_, and I knew for sartin it would rain before night. +That's the rule. Use David's Almanac, and always read it just t'other +way." + +The crest-fallen astronomer plodded on his weary way, another example of +a fool and his money soon parted. But that was the end of his +prophesying. Since that he has made his almanacs without weatherwise +sayings, leaving every man to guess for himself. + + + + +HOW TO BOARD AND LODGE IN NEW YORK. + + +THE _Philadelphia Chronicle_ calls the hero of the following story a +Yankee, but he will wager a sixpence that he was born in Pennsylvania. +But no matter, it is a good joke:--"'What do you charge for board?' +asked a tall Green Mountain boy, as he walked up to the bar of a +second-rate hotel in New York--'what do you ask a week for board and +lodging?' 'Five dollars.' 'Five dollars! that's too much; but I s'pose +you'll allow for the times I am absent from dinner and supper?' +'Certainly; thirty-seven and a half cents each.' Here the conversation +ended, and the Yankee took up his quarters for two weeks. During this +time, he lodged and breakfasted at the hotel, but did not take either +dinner or supper, saying his business detained him in another portion of +the town. At the expiration of the two weeks, he again walked up to the +bar, and said, 'S'pose we settle that account--I'm going, in a few +minutes.' The landlord handed him his bill--'Two weeks board at five +dollars--ten dollars.' 'Here, stranger,' said the Yankee, 'this is +wrong--you've made a mistake; you've not deducted the times I was absent +from dinner and supper--14 days, two meals per day; 28 meals, at 37-1/2 +cents each; 10 dollars 50 cents. If you've not got the fifty cents +that's due to me, _I'll take a drink, and the balance in cigars_!" + + + + +NEVER SAY DIE. + + +"THE politicians have thrown me overboard," said a disappointed +politician; "but I have strength enough to swim to the other side." + + + + +HOW TO BECOME A CONNOISSEUR. + + +SPOSIN' it's pictures that's on the carpet, wait till you hear the name +of the painter. If it's Rubens, or any o' them old boys, praise, for +it's agin the law to doubt them; but if it's a new man, and the company +ain't most especial judges, criticise. "A leetle out o' keeping," says +you. "He don't use his grays enough, nor glaze down well. That shadder +wants depth. General effect is good, though parts ain't. Those eyebrows +are heavy enough for stucco," says you, and other unmeaning terms like +these. It will pass, I tell you. Your opinion will be thought great. +Them that judged the cartoons at Westminster Hall, knew plaguey little +more nor that. But if this is a portrait of the lady of the house, +hangin' up, or it's at all like enough to make it out, stop--gaze on it, +walk back, close your fingers like a spy-glass, and look through 'em +amazed like--enchanted--chained to the spot. Then utter, unconscious +like, "That's a most beautiful pictur'. By heavens! that's a speakin' +portrait. It's well painted, too. But whoever the artist is, he is an +unprincipled man." "Good gracious!" she'll say, "how so?" "'Cause, +madam, he has not done you justice."--_Sam Slick._ + + + + +BOOTS. + + +"I BOUGHT _them_ boots to wear only when I go into genteel society," +said one of the codfish tribe, to a wag, the other day. + +"Oh, you did, eh?" quoth the wag. "Well, then, in that case, _them_ +boots will be likely to last you a lifetime, and be worth something to +your heirs."--Exit codfish, rather huffy. + + + + +SOUR KROUT. + + +WHEN the territory now composing the State of Ohio was first organized +into a government, and Congressmen about being elected, there were two +candidates, both men of standing and ability, brought out in that +fertile region watered by the beautiful Muskingum. + +Mr. Morgan, the one, was a reluctant aspirant for the honor, but he +payed his respects to the people by calling meetings at various points +and addressing them. In one part of the district there was a large and +very intelligent German settlement, and it was generally conceded that +their vote, usually given one way, would be decisive of the contest. To +secure this important interest, Mr. Morgan, in the course of the +campaign, paid this part of the district a visit, and by his +condescension and polite manner, made a most favourable impression on +the entire population--the electors, in fact, all pledging themselves to +cast their votes for him. + +Colonel Jackson, the opposing candidate, and ambitious for the office, +hearing of this successful move on the part of his opponent, determined +to counteract it if possible. To this end he started for the +all-important settlement. On introducing himself, and after several +fruitless attempts to dissipate the favourable effects of Mr. Morgan's +visit, he was finally informed by one of the leading men of the precinct +that: + +"It ish no good you coming hare, Colonel Shackson, we have all promisht +to vote for our friendt, Meisther Morgans." + +"Ah! ha!" says the Colonel: "but did you hear what Mr. Morgan did when +he returned from visiting you?" + +"No, vat vas it?" + +"Why, he ordered his chamber-maid to bring him some soap and warm water, +that he might wash the sour krout off his hands." + +The Colonel left, and in a few days the election coming off, each +candidate made his appearance at the critical German polls. + +The votes were then given _viva voce_, and you may readily judge of Mr. +Morgan's astonishment as each lusty Dutchman announced the name of +Colonel Shackson, holding up his hand toward the outwitted candidate, +and indignantly asking: + +"Ah! ha! Meisther Morgans, you zee ony zour krout dare?" + +It is needless to say that Colonel Shackson took a seat in the next +Congress. + + + + +CONFESSION. + + +"SUSAN, stand up and let me see what you have learned. What does +c-h-a-i-r spell?" + +"I don't know, marm." + +"Why, you ignorant critter! What do you always sit on?" + +"Oh, marm, I don't like to tell." + +"What on earth is the matter with the gal?--tell what is it." + +"I don't like to tell--it was Bill Crass's knee, but he never kissed me +but twice." + +"Airthquake and apple-sarse!" exclaimed the schoolmistress, and she +fainted. + + + + +A HAY FIELD ANECDOTE. + + +AN old gentleman who was always bragging how folks used to work in his +young days, one time challenged his two sons to pitch on a load of hay +as fast as he could load it. + +The challenge was accepted and the hay-wagon driven round and the trial +commenced. For some time the old man held his own very creditably, +calling out, tauntingly, "More hay! more hay!" + +Thicker and faster it came. The old man was nearly covered; still he +kept crying, "More hay! more hay!" until struggling to keep on the top +of the disordered and ill-arranged heap, it began first to roll, then to +slide, and at last off it went from the wagon, and the old man with it. + +"What are you down here for?" cried the boys. + +"I came down after hay," answered the old man, stoutly. + +Which was a literal fact. He had come down after the wagon load, which +had to be pitched on again rather more deliberately. + + + + +WHY BROTHER DICKSON LEFT THE CHURCH. + + +MR. DICKSON, a colored barber, was shaving one of his customers, a +respectable citizen, one morning, when a conversation occurred between +them respecting Mr. Dickson's former connection with a colored church in +the place. + +"I believe you are connected with the church in ----street, Mr. +Dickson," said the customer. + +"So, Sah, not at all." + +"What! are you not a member of the African Church?" + +"Not dis year, Sah." + +"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson? if I may be permitted +to ask." + +"Why, I tell you, Sah," said Mr. Dickson, strapping a concave razor on +the palm of his hand. + +"It was just like dis. I jined dat church in good faif. I gib ten +dollars toward de stated preaching ob de Gospel de fus' year, and de +peepil all call me Brudder Dickson. De second year my business not good, +and I only gib five dollars. Dat year the church peepil call me Mr. +Dickson. + +"Dis razor hurt you, Sah?" + +"No; the razor goes very well." + +"Well, Sah, de third year I felt very poor, sickness in my family, and +didn't gib nuffin for the preaching. Well, Sah, after dat they call me +Old Nigger Dickson, and I leff 'em." + +So saying, Mr. Dickson brushed his customer's hair and the gentleman +departed, well satisfied with the reason why Mr. Dickson left the +church. + + + + +FORESIGHT. + + +A YOUNG lady in the interior, thinks of going to California to get +married, for the reason that she has been told that in that country the +men folks "rock the cradle." + + + + +VICE VERSA. + + +WHAT is the difference between an attempted homicide, and a hog +butchery? One is an assault with intent to kill, and the other is a kill +with intent to salt. + + + + +HUMAN NATURE. + + +HERE, reader, is a little picture of _one_ kind of "human nature," that, +while it will make you laugh, conveys at the same time a lesson not +unworthy of heed. The story is of a gentleman traveling through Canada +in the winter of 1839, who, after a long day's ride, stopped at a +roadside inn called the "Lion Tavern," where the contents of the stage +coach, numbering some nine persons, soon gathered round the cheerful +fire. + +Among the occupants of the room was an ill-looking cur, who had shown +its wit by taking up its quarters in so comfortable an apartment. After +a few minutes the landlord entered, and observing the dog, remarked: + +"Fine dog, that! is he yours, Sir?" appealing to one of the passengers. + +"No, Sir." + +"_Beautiful_ dog! _yours_, Sir?" addressing himself to a second. + +"_No!_" was the blunt reply. + +"Come here, Pup! Perhaps he is _yours_, Sir?" + +"No!" was again the reply. + +"Very sagacious animal! Belongs to YOU, I suppose, Sir?" + +"No, he doesn't!" + +"Then he is _yours_, and you have a treasure in him, Sir?" at the same +time throwing the animal a cracker. + +"No, Sir, he is not!" + +"Oh!" (_with a smile_) "he belongs to _you_, as a matter of course, +then?" addressing the last passenger. + +"_Me!_ I wouldn't have him as a gift!" + +"Then, you dirty, mean, contemptible whelp, get out!" And with that the +host gave him such a kick as sent him howling into the street, amidst +the roars of the company. + +There was _one_ honest dog in that company, but the two-legged specimen +was a little "too sweet to be wholesome." + + + + +JOHN KEMBLE. + + +MOORE mentions in his diary a very amusing anecdote of John Kemble. He +was performing one night at some country theatre, in one of his +favourite parts, and being interrupted from time to time by the +squalling of a child in one of the galleries, he became not a _little_ +angry at the rival performance. Walking with solemn step to the front of +the stage, and addressing the audience in his most tragic tone, he said: + +"Unless _the play_ is stopped, _the child_ can not possibly go on!" + +The loud laugh which followed this ridiculous transposition of his +meaning, relaxed even the nerves of the immortal Hamlet, and he was +compelled to laugh with his auditors. + + + + +CONFESSION. + + +A PRIEST of Basse Bretagne, finding his duty somewhat arduous, +particularly the number of his confessing penitents, said from the +pulpit one Sunday: + +"Brethren, to avoid confusion at the confessional this week, I will on +Monday confess the liars, on Tuesday the thieves, Wednesday the +gamblers, Thursday the drunkards, Friday the women of bad life, and +Saturday the libertines." + +Strange to relate, nobody came that week to confess their sins. + + + + +A SLEEPY DEACON. + + +THERE are times and seasons when sleep is never appropriate, and with +these may be classed the sleep of the good old Cincinnati deacon. + +The deacon was the owner and overseer of a large pork-packing +establishment. His duty it was to stand at the head of the scalding +trough, watch in hand, to "time" the length of the scald, crying "Hog +in!" when the just slaughtered hog was to be thrown into the trough, and +"Hog out!" when the watch told three minutes. One week the press of +business compelled the packers to unusually hard labor, and Saturday +night found the deacon completely exhausted. Indeed, he was almost sick +the next morning, when church time came; but he was a leading member, +and it was his duty to attend the usual Sabbath service, if he could. He +went. The occasion was of unusual solemnity, as a revival was in +progress. The minister preached a sermon, well calculated for effect. +His peroration was a climax of great beauty. Assuming the attitude of +one intently listening, he recited to the breathless auditory: + + "Hark, they whisper; angels say-- + +"_Hog in!_" came from the deacon's pew, in a stentorian voice. The +astonished audience turned their attention from the preacher. He went +on, however, unmoved-- + + "Sister spirit, come away." + +"_Hog out!_" shouted the deacon, "_tally four_." + +This was too much for the preacher and the audience. The latter smiled, +some snickered audibly, while a few boys broke for the door, to "split +their sides," laughing outside, within full hearing. The preacher was +entirely disconcerted, sat down, arose again, pronounced a brief +benediction, and dismissed the anything else than solemn minded hearers. +The deacon soon came to a realizing sense of his unconscious interlude, +for his brethren reprimanded him severely; while the boys caught the +infection of the joke, and every possible occasion afforded an +opportunity for them to say, "_Hog in!_" "_Hog out!_" + + + + +LOST IN A FOG. + + +"SUPPOSE you are lost in a fog," said Lord C---- to his noble relative, +the Marchioness, "what are you most likely to be?" "Mist, of course," +replied her ladyship. + + + + +NO MISTAKE. + + +"YOU don't seem to know how to take me," said a vulgar fellow to a +gentleman he had insulted. "Yes, I do," said the gentleman, taking him +by the nose. + + + + +RESPECT FOR APPEARANCES. + + +ON a Sunday, a lady called to her little boy, who was tossing marbles on +the side walk, to come in the house. + +"Don't you know you should not be out there, my son?" said she. "Go into +the back yard, if you want to play marbles; it is Sunday." + +"I will," answered the little boy; "but ain't it Sunday in the back +yard, mother?" + + + + +MAKING THE RESPONSES. + + +AN ignorant fellow, who was about to get married, resolved to make +himself perfect in the responses of the marriage service; but, by +mistake, he committed the office of baptism for those of riper years; so +when the clergyman asked him in the church, "Wilt thou have this woman +to be thy wedded wife?" the bridegroom answered, in a very solemn tone, +"I renounce them all." The astonished minister said, "I think you are a +fool!" to which he replied, "All this I steadfastly believe." + + + + +PERSONAL IDENTITY. + + +AN ill-looking fellow was asked how he could account for nature's +forming him so ugly. "Nature was not to blame," said he; "for when I was +two months old, I was considered the handsomest child in the +neighborhood, but my nurse one day _swapped_ me away for another boy +just to please a friend, whose child was rather plain looking." + + + + +IKE PARTINGTON AND PUGILISM. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON was much surprised to find Ike, one rainy afternoon, in +the spare room, with the rag-bag hung to the bed-post, which he was +belaboring very lustily with his fists as huge as two one cent apples. + +"What gymnastiness are you doing here?" said she, as she opened the +door. + +He did not stop, and merely replying, "Training," continued to pitch in. +She stood looking at him as he danced around the bag, busily punching +its rotund sides. + +"That's the Morrissey touch," said he, giving one side a dig; "and +that," hitting the other side, "is the Benicia Boy." + +"Stop!" she said, and he immediately stopped after he had given the last +blow for Morrissey. "I am afraid the training you are having isn't +good," said she, "and I think you had better train in some other +company. I thought your going into compound fractures in school would be +dilatorious to you. I don't know who Mr. Morrissey is, and I don't want +to, but I hear that he has been whipping the Pernicious Boy, a poor lad +with a sore leg, and I think he should be ashamed of himself." Ike had +read the "_Herald_," with all about "the great prize fight" in it, and +had become entirely carried away with it. + + + + +GEORGE SELWYN. + + +GEORGE SELWYN was telling at dinner-table, in the midst of a large +company, and with great glee, of the execution of Lord Lovat, which he +had witnessed. The ladies were shocked at the levity he manifested, and +one of them reproached him, saying, + +"How could you be such a barbarian as to see the head of a man cut off?" + +"Oh," said he, "if that was any great crime, I am sure I made amends for +it; for I went to see it sewed on again." + + + + +PROMPT REPLY. + + +A FOP in company, wanting his servant, called out: + +"Where's that blockhead of mine?" A lady present, answered, "On your +shoulders, Sir." + + + + +DIVISION OF TIME. + + +"MURPHY," said an employer, the other morning, to one of his workmen, +"you came late this morning, the other men were an hour before you." +"Sure, and I'll be even wit 'em to-night, then." "How, Murphy?" "Why, +faith, I'll quit an hour before 'em all, sure." + + + + +A GROOM. + + +A GROOM is a chap, that a gentleman keeps to clean his 'osses, and be +blown up, when things go wrong. They are generally wery conceited +consequential beggars, and as they never knows nothing, why the best way +is to take them so young, that they can't pretend to any knowledge. I +always get mine from the charity schools, and you'll find it wery good +economy, to apply to those that give the boys leather breeches, as it +will save you the trouble of finding him a pair. The first thing to do, +is to teach him to get up early, and to hiss at everything he brushes, +rubs, or touches. As the leather breeches should be kept for Sundays, +you must get him a pair of corderoys, and mind, order them of large +size, and baggy behind, for many 'osses have a trick of biting at chaps +when they are cleaning them; and it is better for them to have a +mouthful of corderoy, than the lad's bacon, to say nothing of the loss +of the boy's services, during the time he is laid up.--_John Jorrock's +Sporting Lectures._ + + + + +IN A QUIVER. + + +A COQUETTE is said to be an imperfect incarnation of Cupid, as she keeps +her beau, and not her arrows, in a quiver. + + + + +SATISFACTORY ANSWERS. + + +YANKEES are supposed to have attained the greatest art in parrying +inquisitiveness, but there is a story extant of a "Londoner" on his +travels in the provinces, who rather eclipses the cunning "Yankee +Peddler." In traveling post, says the narrator, he was obliged to stop +at a village to replace a shoe which his horse had lost; when the "Paul +Pry" of the place bustled up to the carriage-window, and without waiting +for the ceremony of an introduction, said: + +"Good-morning, Sir. Horse cast a shoe I see. I suppose, Sir, you are +going to--?" + +Here he paused, expecting the name of the place to be supplied; but the +gentleman answered: + +"You are quite right; I generally go there at this season." + +"Ay--ahem!--do you? And no doubt you are now come from--?" + +"Right again, Sir; I _live_ there." + +"Oh, ay; I see: you do! But I perceive it is a London shay. Is there +anything stirring in London?" + +"Oh, yes; plenty of other chaises and carriages of all sorts." + +"Ay, ay, of course. But what do folks say?" + +"They say their prayers every Sunday." + +"That isn't what I mean. I want to know whether there is anything new +and fresh." + +"Yes; bread and herrings." + +"Ah, you are a queer fellow. Pray, mister, may I ask your name?" + +"Fools and clowns," said the gentleman, "call me 'Mister;' but I am in +reality one of the clowns of Aristophanes; and my real name is +_Brekekekex Koax_! Drive on, postilion!" + +Now this is what we call a "pursuit of knowledge under difficulties" of +the most _obstinate_ kind. + + + + +BARON ROTHSCHILD. + + +THERE is a good story told recently of Baron Rothschild, of Paris, the +richest man of his class in the world, which shows that it is not only +"money which makes the mare go" (or horses either, for that matter), but +"_ready_ money," "unlimited credit" to the contrary notwithstanding. On +a very wet and disagreeable day, the Baron took a Parisian omnibus, on +his way to the Bourse or Exchange; near which the "Nabob of Finance" +alighted, and was going away without paying. The driver stopped him, and +demanded his fare. Rothschild felt in his pocket, but he had not a "red +cent" of change. The driver was very wroth: + +"Well, what did you get _in_ for, if you could not pay? You must have +_known_ that you had no money!" + +"I am Baron Rothschild!" exclaimed the great capitalist; "and there is +my card!" + +The driver threw the card in the gutter: "Never heard of you before," +said the driver, "and don't want to hear of you again. But I want my +fare--and I must have it!" The great banker was in haste. "I have only +an order for a million," he said. "Give me change;" and he proffered a +"coupon" for fifty thousand francs. + +The conductor stared, and the passengers set up a horselaugh. Just then +an "Agent de Change" came by, and Baron Rothschild borrowed of him the +six sous. + +The driver was now seized with a kind of remorseful respect; and turning +to the Money-King, he said: + +"If you want ten francs, Sir, I don't mind lending them to you on my own +account!" + + + + +MRS. CAUDLE'S UMBRELLA. + + +ONE of the best chapters in "Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures," is where +that amiable and greatly abused angel reproaches her inhuman spouse with +loaning the family umbrella: + +"Ah! that's the third umbrella gone since Christmas! What were you to +do? Why, let him go home in the rain. I don't think there was any thing +about _him_ that would spoil. Take cold, indeed! He does not look like +one o' the sort to take cold. He'd better taken cold, than our only +umbrella. Do you hear the rain, Caudle? I say do you _hear the rain_? Do +you hear it against the windows? Nonsense; you can't be asleep with such +a shower as that. Do you _hear_ it, I say? Oh, you _do_ hear it, do you? +Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last six weeks, and no stirring +all the time out of the house. Poh! don't think to fool _me_, Caudle: +_he_ return the umbrella! As if any body ever _did_ return an umbrella! +There--do you hear it? Worse and worse! Cats and dogs for six +weeks--always six weeks--and no umbrella! + +"I should like to know how the children are to go to school, to-morrow. +They shan't go through _such_ weather, _that_ I'm determined. No; they +shall stay at home, and never learn anything, sooner than go and get +wet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to thank for +knowing nothing. People who can't feel for their children ought never to +_be_ fathers. + +"But _I_ know why you lent the umbrella--_I_ know very well. I was going +out to tea to mother's, to-morrow;--you _knew_ that very well; and you +did it on purpose. Don't tell me; _I_ know: you don't want me to go, and +take every mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Caudle. +No; if it comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more: I will; and +what's more, I'll walk every step of the way; and you know that will +give me my death," &c., &c., &c. + + + + +FOLLOW YOUR NOSE. + + +"PRAY, Sir, what makes you walk so crookedly?" "Oh, my nose, you see, is +crooked, and I have to follow it!" + + + + +LORENZO DOW. + + +LORENZO DOW is still remembered by some of the "old fogies" as one of +the most eccentric men that ever lived. On one occasion he took the +liberty, while preaching, to denounce a rich man in the community, +recently deceased. The result was an arrest, a trial for slander, and an +imprisonment in the county jail. After Lorenzo got out of "limbo," he +announced that, in spite of his (in his opinion) unjust punishment, he +should preach, at a given time, a sermon about "another rich man." The +populace was greatly excited, and a crowded house greeted his +appearance. With great solemnity he opened the Bible, and read, "And +there was a rich man who died and went to ----;" then stopping short, +and seeming to be suddenly impressed, he continued: "Brethren, I shall +not mention the place this rich man went to, for fear he has some +relatives in this congregation who will sue me for defamation of +character." The effect on the assembled multitude was irresistible, and +he made the impression permanent by taking another text, and never +alluding to the subject again. + + + + +SMART WAITER. + + +THE following story, although latterly related of "a distinguished +Southern gentleman, and former member of the cabinet," was formerly +told, we are _almost_ quite certain, of the odd and eccentric John +Randoph of Roanoke, with certain omissions and additions. Be that as it +may, the anecdote is a good one, and "will do to keep." + +"The gentleman was a boarder in one of the most splendid of the New York +hotels; and preferring not to eat at the _table d'hôte_, had his meals +served in his own parlor, with all the elegance for which the +establishment had deservedly become noted. + +"Being somewhat annoyed with the airs of the servant who waited upon +him--a negro of 'the blackest dye'--he desired him at dinner one day to +retire. The negro bowed, and took his stand behind the gentleman's +chair. Supposing him to be gone, it was with some impatience that, a few +minutes after, the gentleman saw him step forward to remove his soup. + +"'Fellow!' said he, 'leave the room! I wish to be alone.' + +"'Excuse me, Sah,' said Cuffee, drawing himself stiffly up, 'but _I'se +'sponsible for de silver_!'" + + + + +COULDN'T FIND IT OUT. + + +MR. SLOCUM was not educated in a university, and his life has been in +by-paths, and out-of-the-way places. His mind is characterized by the +literalness, rather than the comprehensive grasp of great subjects. Mr. +Slocum can, however, master a printed paragraph, by dint of spelling the +hard words, in a deliberate manner, and manages to gain a few glimpses +of men and things, from his little rocky farm, through the medium of a +newspaper. It is quite edifying to hear Mr. Slocum reading the village +paper aloud, to his wife, after a hard day's work. A few evenings since, +farmer Slocum was reading an account of a dreadful accident, which +happened at the factory in the next town, and which the village editor +had described in a great many words. + +"I declare, wife, that was an awful accident over to the mills," said +Mr. Slocum. + +"What was it about, Mr. Slocum?" + +"I'll read the 'count, wife, and then you'll know all about it." + +Mr. S. began to read: + +"_Horrible and Fatal Accident._--It becomes our melancholy and painful +duty, to record the particulars of an accident that occurred at the +lower mill, in this village, yesterday afternoon, by which a human +being, in the prime of life, was hurried to that bourne from which, as +the immortal Shakspeare says, 'no traveler returns.'" + +"Du tell!" exclaimed Mrs. S. + +"Mr. David Jones, a workman, who has but few superiors this side of the +city, was superintending one of the large drums--" + +"I wonder if 'twas a brass drum, such as has 'Eblubust Unum' printed +on't," said Mrs. Slocum. + +--"When he became entangled. His arm was drawn around the drum, and +finally his whole body was drawn over the shaft, at a fearful rate. When +his situation was discovered, he had revolved with immense velocity, +about fifteen minutes, his head and limbs striking a large beam a +distinct blow at each revolution." + +"Poor creeter! how it must have hurt him!" + +"When the machinery had been stopped, it was found that Mr. Jones's arms +and legs were macerated to a jelly." + +"Well, didn't it kill him?" asked Mrs. S., with increasing interest. + +"Portions of the dura mater, cerebrum, and cerebellum, in confused +masses, were scattered about the floor; in short, the gates of eternity +had opened upon him." + +Here, Mr. Slocum paused to wipe his spectacles, and the wife seized the +opportunity to press the question. + +"Was the man killed?" + +"I don't know--haven't come to that place yet; you'll know when I've +finished the piece." And Mr. Slocum continued reading: + +"It was evident, when the shapeless form was taken down, that it was no +longer tenanted by the immortal spirit--that the vital spark was +extinct." + +"Was the man killed? that's what I want to come at," said Mrs. Slocum. + +"Do have a little patience, old woman," said Mr. Slocum, eyeing his +better half, over his spectacles, "I presume we shall come upon it right +away." And he went on reading: + +"This fatal casualty has cast a gloom over our village, and we trust +that it will prove a warning to all persons who are called upon to +regulate the powerful machinery of our mills." + +"Now," said Mrs. Slocum, perceiving that the narration was ended, "now, +I should like to know whether the man was killed or not?" + +Mr. Slocum looked puzzled. He scratched his head, scrutinized the +article he had been perusing, and took a graceful survey of the paper. + +"I declare, wife," said he, "it's curious, but really the paper don't +say." + + + + +CAUGHT ON A JURY. + + +THE following, which we have heard told as a fact, some time ago, may be +beneficial to some gentleman who has a young and unsuspecting wife: + +A certain man, who lived about ten miles from K----, was in the habit of +going to town, about once a week, and getting on a regular spree, and +would not return until he had time to "cool off," which was generally +two or three days. His wife was ignorant of the cause of his staying out +so long, and suffered greatly from anxiety about his welfare. When he +would return, of course his confiding wife would inquire what had been +the matter with him, and the usual reply was, that he was caught on the +jury, and couldn't get off. + +Having gathered his corn, and placed it in a large heap, he, according +to custom, determined to call in his neighbors, and have a real +corn-shucking frolic. So he gave Ned, a faithful servant, a jug and an +order, to go to town and get a gallon of whiskey--a very necessary +article on such occasions. Ned mounted a mule, and was soon in town, +and, equipped with the whiskey, remounted to set out for home, all +buoyant with the prospect of fun at shucking. + +When he had proceeded a few hundred yards from town, he concluded to +take the "stuff," and not satisfied with once, he kept trying until the +world turned round so fast, that he turned off the mule, and then he +went to sleep, and the mule to grazing. It was now nearly night, and +when Ned awoke it was just before the break of day, and so dark, that he +was unable to make any start towards home until light. As soon as his +bewilderment had subsided, so that he could get the "point," he started +with an empty jug, the whiskey having run out, and afoot, for the mule +had gone home. Of course he was contemplating the application of a "two +year old hickory," as he went on at the rate of two forty. + +Ned reached home about breakfast time, and "fetched up" at the back +door, with a decidedly guilty countenance. + +"What in thunder have you been at, you black rascal?" said his master. + +Ned knowing his master's excuse to his wife, when he went on a spree, +determined to tell the truth, if he died for it, and said: + +"Well, massa, to tell the truth, I was kotch on the jury, and couldn't +get off."--_Nashville News._ + + + + +A CURE BY LAUGHTER. + + +AN aged widow had a cow, which fell sick. In her distress for fear of +the loss of this her principal means of support, she had recourse to the +rector, in whose prayers she had implicit faith, and humbly besought his +reverence to visit her cow, and pray for her recovery. The worthy man, +instead of being offended at this trait of simplicity, in order to +comfort the poor woman, called in the afternoon at her cottage, and +proceeded to visit the sick animal. Walking thrice round it, he at each +time gravely repeated: "_If she dies she dies, but if she lives she +lives._" The cow happily recovered, which the widow entirely attributed +to the efficacy of her pastor's prayer. Some short time after, the +rector himself was seized with a quinsy, and in imminent danger, to the +sincere grief of his affectionate parishioners, and of none more than +the grateful widow. She repaired to the parsonage, and after +considerable difficulty from his servants, obtained admission to his +chamber, when thrice walking round his bed, she repeated "_If he dies he +dies, but if he lives he lives_;" which threw the doctor into such a fit +of laughter, that the imposthume broke, and produced an immediate cure. + + + + +GOOD PRAYER. + + +A WITTY lawyer once jocosely asked a boarding-house keeper the following +question: + +"Mr. ----, if a man gives you five hundred dollars to keep for him, and +he dies, what do you do? Do you pray for him?" + +"No, sir," replied ----, "I pray for another like him." + + + + +NON SUM QUALIS ERAM. + + +A NOBLE and learned lord, when attorney general, being at a consultation +where there was considerable difference of opinion between him and his +brother counsel, delivered his sentiments with his usual energy, and +concluded by striking his hand on the table, and saying, "This, +gentlemen, is _my opinion_." The peremptory tone with which this was +spoken so nettled the solicitor, who had frequently consulted him when a +young barrister, that he sarcastically repeated, "Your opinion! I have +often had your opinion for five shillings." Mr. Attorney with great good +humour said, "Very true, and probably you then paid its full value." + + + + +ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER. + + +ONE winter day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, +and ordered a steak: "But," said his royal highness, "I am devilish +cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, +another, and another. "Now," said he, "I am comfortable, bring my +steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the +following impromptu: + + "The Prince came in, said it was cold, + Then put to his head the rummer; + Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came, + When he pronounced it summer." + + + + +CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON. + + +ADAM, the goodliest of _men since born His sons; the fairest of her +daughters Eve_. + + + + +GIVE THE DEVIL HIS DUE. + + +AT the grand entertainment given at Vauxhall in July, 1813, to celebrate +the victories of the Marquis of Wellington, the fire-works, prepared +under the direction of General Congreve, were the theme of universal +admiration. The General himself was present, and being in a circle where +the conversation turned on monumental inscriptions, he observed that +nothing could be finer than the short epitaph on Purcel, in Westminster +Abbey. + +"He has gone to that place where only his own Harmony can be exceeded." + +"Why, General," said a lady, "it will suit you exactly, with the +alteration of a single word. + +"He is gone to that place, where only his own _Fire-Works_ can be +exceeded." + + + + +A SOUND REASON. + + +A CERTAIN cabinet minister being asked why he did not promote merit? +"Because," answered he, "merit did not promote me." + + + + +MODERN IMPROVEMENTS. + + +AN eminent barrister arguing a cause respecting the infringement of a +patent for buckles, took occasion to hold forth on its vast improvement; +and by way of example, taking one of his own out of his shoe, "What," +exclaimed he, "would my ancestors have said to see my feet ornamented +with this?" "Aye," observed Mr. Mingay, "what would they have said to +see your feet ornamented with either shoes or stockings?" + + + + +A HOOSIER AT THE ASTOR. + + +B. MET on the train an elderly Hoosier, who had been to the show-case +exhibition at New York, and who had seen the _hi po dro me_, as he +called it. + +"Did you remain long in New York?" asked B. + +"Well, no," he answered thoughtfully, "only two days, for I saw there +was a right smart chance of starving to death, and I'm opposed to that +way of going down. I put up at one of their taverns, and allowed I was +going to be treated to the whole." + +"Where did you stop?" said B., interrupting him. + +"At the Astor House. I allow you don't ketch me in no such place again. +They rung a _gong_, as they call it, four times after breakfast, and +then, when I went to eat, there wasn't nary vittles on the table." + +"What was there?" B. ventured to inquire. + +"Well," said the old man, enumerating the items cautiously, as if from +fear of omission--"there was a clean plate wrong side up, a knife, a +clean towel, a split spoon, and a hand bill, and what was worse," added +the old man, "the insultin' nigger up and asked me what I wanted. +'_Vittles_,' said I, '_bring in your vittles and I'll help myself!_'" + + + + +ECONOMY. + + +"BUBBY, why don't you go home and have your mother sew up that awful +hole in your trowsers?" + +"Oh, you git eout, old 'oman," was the respectful reply, "our folks are +economizing, and a hole will last longer than a patch any day." + + + + +QUAKER _vs._ QUAKER. + + +OLD JACOB J---- was a shrewd Quaker merchant in Burlington, New Jersey, +and, like all shrewd men, was often a little too smart for himself. + +An old Quaker lady of Bristol, Pennsylvania, just over the river, bought +some goods at Jacob's store, _when he was absent_, and in crossing the +river on her way home, she met him aboard the boat, and, as was usual +with him upon such occasions, he immediately pitched into her bundle of +goods and untied it to see what she had been buying. + +"Oh now," says he, "how much a yard did you give for that, and that?" +taking up the several pieces of goods. She told him the price, without, +however, saying where she had got them. + +"Oh now," says he again, "I could have sold you those goods for so much +a yard," mentioning a price a great deal lower than she had paid. "You +know," says he, "I can undersell every body in the place;" and so he +went on criticising and undervaluing the goods till the boat reached +Bristol, when he was invited to go to the old lady's store, and when +there the goods were spread out on the counter, and Jacob was asked to +examine the goods again, and say, in the presence of witnesses, the +price he would have sold them at per yard, the old lady, meanwhile, +taking a memorandum. She then went to the desk and made out a bill of +the difference between what she had paid and the price he told her; then +coming up to him, she said, + +"Now, Jacob, thee is sure thee could have sold those goods at the price +thee mentioned?" + +"Oh now, yes," says he. + +"Well, then, thy young man must have made a mistake; for I bought the +goods from thy store, and of course, under the circumstances, thee can +have no objection to refund me the difference." + +Jacob, being thus cornered, could, of course, under the circumstances, +have no objection. It is to be presumed that thereafter Jacob's first +inquiry must have been, "Oh now, where did you get such and such goods?" +instead of "Oh now, how much did you pay?" + + + + +HEM _vs._ HAW. + + +MR. OBERON (a man about town) was lately invited to a sewing party. The +next day a friend asked him how the entertainment came off. "Oh, it was +very amusing," replied Oberon, "the ladies hemmed and I hawed." + + + + +POETRY DONE TO ORDER. + + +ON one occasion a country gentleman, knowing Joseph Green's reputation +as a poet, procured an introduction to him, and solicited a "first-rate +epitaph" for a favorite servant who had lately died. Green asked what +were the man's chief qualities, and was told that "Cole excelled in all +things, but was particularly good at raking hay, which he could do +faster than anybody, the present company, of course, excepted." Green +wrote immediately-- + + "Here lies the body of John Cole: + His master loved him like his soul; + He could rake hay; none could rake faster, + Except that raking dog, his master." + + + + +THE RIVAL CANDIDATES. + + +TWO candidates disputed the palm for singing, and left the decision to +Dr. Arne, who having heard them exert their vocal abilities, said to the +one, "You, Sir, are the worst singer I ever heard." On which the other +exulting, the umpire, turning to him, said, "And as for you, Sir, you +cannot sing at all." + + + + +PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY. + + +A MEMBER of parliament took occasion to make his maiden speech, on a +question respecting the execution of a particular statute. Rising +solemnly, after three loud hems, he spoke as follows: "Mr. Speaker, have +we laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, and they are not +executed, for what purpose were they made?" So saying, he sat down full +of self-consequence. Another member then rose, and thus delivered +himself: "Mr. Speaker, did the honourable member speak to the purpose, +or not speak to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what +purpose did he speak?" + + + + +A BROAD HINT. + + +AN Irish gentleman, of tolerable assurance, obtruded his company where +he was far from being welcome; the master of the house, indeed, +literally kicked him down stairs. Returning to some acquaintance whom he +had told his intention of dining at the above house, and being asked why +he had so soon returned, he answered, "I got a hint that my company was +not agreeable." + + + + +PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY. + + +MR. ADDISON, whose abilities no man can doubt, was from diffidence +totally unable to speak in the house. In a debate on the Union act, +desirous of delivering his sentiments, he rose, and began, "Mr. Speaker, +_I conceive_"--but could go no farther. Twice he repeated, +unsuccessfully, the same attempt; when a young member, possessed of +greater effrontery than ability, completely confused him, by rising and +saying, "Mr. Speaker, the honourable gentleman _has conceived three +times, and brought forth nothing_." + + + + +A SEVERE REPROOF. + + +THE late Duke of Grafton, one of the last of the old school of polished +gentlemen, being seated with a party of ladies in the stage-box of +Drury-lane theatre, a sprig of modern fashion came in booted and +spurred. At the end of the act, the duke rose, and made the young man a +low bow: + +"I beg leave, Sir, in the name of these ladies, and for myself, to offer +you our thanks for your forbearance." + +"I don't understand you; what do you mean?" + +"I mean, that as you have come in with your boots and spurs, to thank +you for that you have not brought your horse too." + + + + +CANINE LEARNING. + + +A FOREIGNER would be apt to suppose that all the dogs of England were +literary, on reading a notice on a board stuck up in a garden at +Millbank: "All dogs found in this garden will be shot." + + + + +A STRATAGEM. + + +A TRAVELER coming, wet and cold, into a country ale-house on the coast +of Kent, found the fire completely blockaded. He ordered the landlord to +carry his horse half a peck of oysters. "He cannot eat oysters," said +mine host. "Try him," quoth the traveller. The company all ran out to +see the horse eat oysters. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the +landlord. "Then," coolly replied the gentleman, who had taken possession +of the best seat, "bring them to me, and I'll eat them myself." + + + + +A NECESSARY HINT. + + +OVER the chimney-piece, in the parlor of a public house, in Fleet +street, is this inscription: "_Gentlemen learning to spell, are +requested to use yesterday's paper._" + + + + +A REASON. + + +A COUNTRY parish clerk, being asked how the inscriptions on the tombs in +the church-yard were so badly spelled? "Because," answered _Amen_, "the +people are so niggardly, that they won't pay for good spelling." + + + + +CAPITAL JOKES. + + +WHILE a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily +peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what +he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If," replied Mr. Curran, "you +have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the +better." + + + + +RAPID TRAVELING. + + +A DIGNIFIED clergyman, possessor of a coal mine, respecting which he was +likely to have a law-suit, sent for an attorney in order to have his +advice. Our lawyer was curious to see a coal-pit, and was let down by a +rope. Before he was lowered, he said to the parson, "Doctor, your +knowledge is not confined to the surface of the world, but you have +likewise penetrated to its inmost recesses; how far may it be from this +to hell?" "I don't know, exactly," answered he, gravely, "but if you let +go your hold, _you'll be there in a minute_." + + + + +A MISAPPELLATION. + + +A YOUNG officer being indicted for an assault on an aged gentleman, Mr. +Erskine began to open the case thus: "This is an indictment against a +soldier for assaulting an old man." "Sir," indignantly interrupted the +defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an officer!" "I beg your pardon," said +Mr. Erskine; "then, gentlemen of the jury, this is an indictment against +_an officer_, who is _no soldier_, for assaulting an old man." + + + + +CONNUBIAL BLISS. + + +I ONCE met a free and easy actor, who told me he had passed three +festive days at the Marquis and Marchioness of ---- without any +invitation, convinced (as proved to be the case) that my lord and my +lady, not being on _speaking terms_, each would suppose the other had +asked him.--_Reynold's Life and Times._ + + + + +QUICK FIRING. + + +WHEN Mr. Thelwell was on his trial for high treason, he wrote this note +to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my own cause." +Erskine answered, "If you do, you'll be hanged." Thelwell replied, "I'll +be hanged if I do." + + + + +THE HARDSHIPS OF LIFE. + + +A DRAMATIC author, not unconscious of his own abilities, observed, that +he knew nothing so terrible as reading a play in the green-room, before +so critical an audience. "I know something more terrible," said Mrs. +Powell. "What is that?" "To be obliged to sit and hear it read." + + + + +SYMPTOMS OF CIVILIZATION. + + +WALKING STUART, being cast away on an unknown shore, where, after he and +his companions had proceeded a long way without seeing a creature, at +length, to their great delight, they descried _a man hanging on a +gibbet_. "The joy," says he, "which this _cheering sight_ excited, +cannot be described; for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized +country_." + + + + +AN IMPROVEMENT. + + +A GENTLEMAN asked his _black diamond merchant_ the price of coals. "Ah!" +said he, significantly shaking his head, "coals are coals, now." "I am +glad to hear that," observed the wit, "for the last I had of you, were +half of them slates." + + + + +A SENTIMENTAL FOSSIL. + + +"WHAT is your name?" "My name is Norval, on the Grampian Hills." + +"Where did you come from?" "I come from a happy land, where care is +unknown." + +"Where are you lodging now?" "I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls." + +"Where are you going to?" "Far, far o'er hill and dell." + +"What is your occupation?" "Some love to roam." + +"Are you married?" "Long time ago. Polly put the kettle on." + +"How many children have you?" "There's Doll, and Bet, and Moll, and +Kate, and--" + +"What is your wife's name?" "O no, we never mention her." + +"Did your wife oppose your leaving her?" "She wept not, when we parted." + +"In what condition did you leave her?" "A rose tree in full bearing." + +"Is your family provided for?" "A little farm, well tilled." + +"Did your wife drive you off?" "Oh, sublime was the warning." + +"What did your wife say to you, that induced you to _slope_?" "Come, +rest in this bosom." + +"Was your wife good-looking?" "She wore a wreath of roses." + +"Did your wife ever treat you badly?" "Oft in the stilly night." + +"When you announced your intention of emigrating, what did she say?" +"Oh, dear, what can the matter be?" + +"And what did you reply?" "Sweet Kitty Clover, you bother me so!" + +"Where did you last see her?" "Near the lakes, where drooped the +willow." + +"What did she say to you, when you were in the act of leaving?" "A place +in thy memory, dearest!" + +"Do you still love her?" "'Tis said that absence conquers love." + +"What are your possessions?" "The harp that once through Tara's halls--" + +"What do you propose to do with it?" "I'll hang my harp on a willow +tree." + +"Where do you expect to make a living?" "Over the water with Charley." + + + + +AN INSCRIPTION. + + +MR. CAMPBELL, a Highland gentleman, through whose estate in Argyleshire +runs the military road which was made under the direction of General +Wade, in grateful commemoration of its benefits, placed a stone seat on +the top of a hill, where the weary traveler may repose, after the labour +of his ascent, and on which is judiciously inscribed, _Rest, and be +thankful_. It has, also, the following sublime distich: + + "Had you seen this road, _before it was made_, + You would lift up your hands, and bless General Wade." + + + + +PUN ALPHABETICAL. + + +"THERE was a man hanged this morning; one _Vowel_." "Well, let us be +thankful, _it was neither U nor I_." + + + + +SHAKSPEAREAN COOKERY. + + +AN argument took place in a coffee-house, between two men of _taste_, as +to the best method of dressing a beefsteak. They referred the matter to +a comedian, who, having an eye to the _shop_, said he preferred +Shakspeare's recipe to either of theirs, "Shakspeare's recipe!" they +both exclaimed. "Aye, Shakspeare's recipe: + + 'If when 'twere done, 'twere well done, then 'twere well, + It were done quickly.'" + + + + +A REPROOF. + + +MR. KING and Mr. Lewis walking together in Birmingham, a chimney sweeper +and his boy passed them. The lad stared at them, exclaiming, "They be +players!" "Hush! you dog," says the old sweep, "you don't know what you +may come to yourself yet." + + + + +A REASONABLE BILL. + + +AN undertaker waited on a gentleman, with the bill for the burial of his +wife, amounting to 67_l._ "That's a vast sum," said the widower, "for +laying a silent female horizontally; you must have made some mistake!" +"Not in the least," answered the coffin-monger, "handsome hearse--three +coaches and six, well-dressed mutes, handsome pall--nobody, your honor, +could do it for less." The gentleman rejoined: "It is a large sum, Mr. +Crape; but as I am satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as +much to bury me, I must not be behind her in an act of kindness; there +is a check for the amount." + + + + +A PARTNERSHIP. + + +THE Marquis della Scallas, an Italian nobleman, giving a grand +entertainment, his major domo informed him that there was a fisherman +below with a remarkably fine fish, but who demanded for it a very +uncommon price--he won't take any money, but insists on a hundred +strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders. The marquis surprised, +ordered him in, when he persisted in his demand. To humor him the +marquis complied, telling his groom not to lay on too hard. When he had +received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have got a partner, to +whom I have engaged that he should have half of whatever I was to +receive for my fish--your lordship's porter, who would admit me only on +that condition." It is almost unnecessary to add, that the porter had +his share well paid, and that the fisherman got the full value for his +prize. + + + + +LIFE INSURANCE. + + +JAMES II., when Duke of York, found his brother, King Charles, in +Hyde-park, unattended, at what was considered a perilous time. The duke +expressed his surprise that his majesty should venture alone in so +public a place. "James," said the king, "take care of yourself; no man +in England will kill me to make you king." + + + + +AN IRISH NOTICE. + + +IN a pool across a road in the county of Tipperary is stuck up a pole, +having affixed to it a board, with this inscription: "_Take notice, that +when the water is over this board the road is impassable._" + + + + +MOUTHS AND MEAT. + + +A POOR man, with a family of seven children, complained to his richer +neighbor of his hard case, his heavy family, and the inequality of +fortune. The other callously observed, that whenever Providence sent +mouths it sent meat. "True," said the former, "but it has sent to you +the _meat_, and me the _mouths_." + + + + +THE BENEFIT OF LYING. + + +A FELLOW was tried for stealing, and it was satisfactorily proved that +he had acknowledged the theft to several persons, yet the jury acquitted +him. The judge, surprised, asked their reason. The foreman said that he +and his fellows knew the prisoner to be such an abominable liar, that +they could not believe one word he said. + + + + +A BROAD HINT. + + +A GERMAN prince being one day on a balcony with a foreign minister, told +him, "One of my predecessors made an ambassador leap down from this +balcony." "Perhaps," said his excellency, "it was not the fashion then +for ambassadors to wear swords." + + + + +PREFERMENT. + + +AN auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the +King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning +Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been +promoted to the _bench_." + + + + +SHOES MISUSED. + + +A LADY bespoke a pair of dress shoes from an eminent shoemaker in +Jermyn-street. When they were brought home she was delighted with them. +She put them on the same evening, and went to a ball, where she danced. +Next day, examining her favorite shoes, she found them almost in pieces. +She sent for the tradesman, and showed him them. "Good God!" said he, +"it is not possible." At length, recollecting himself, he added, "How +stupid I am! as sure as death your ladyship must have _walked in them_." + + + + +A SUPPOSITION. + + +IN the time of the persecution of the protestants in France, the English +ambassador solicited of Louis XIV. the liberation of those sent to the +galleys on account of their religion. "What," answered the monarch, +"would the king of England say, were I to demand the liberation of the +prisoners in Newgate?" "The king, my master," replied the minister, +"would grant them to your majesty, if you reclaimed them as brothers." + + + + +A CHARACTER SUPPORTED. + + +A BEGGAR asking alms under the character of a poor scholar, a gentleman +put the question, _Quomodo vales?_ The fellow, shaking his head, said he +did not understand his honor. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not +say you were a poor scholar?" "Yes," replied the other, "a very poor +scholar; so much so that I don't understand a word of Latin." + + + + +AN ESPECIAL FAVOR. + + +A BARONET scientifically skilled in pugilism, enjoyed no pleasure so +much as giving gratuitous instructions in his favorite art. A peer +paying him a visit, they had a sparring-match, in the course of which he +seized his lordship behind, and threw him over his head with a violent +shock. The nobleman not relishing this rough usage, "My lord," said the +baronet, respectfully, "I assure you that I never show this manoeuvre +except to my particular friends." + + + + +A CHARM. + + +BUCHANAN the historian was, from his learning, thought in his days of +superstition to be a wizard. An old woman, who kept an ale-house in St. +Andrews, consulted George, in hopes that by necromantic arts he might +restore her custom, which was unaccountably decreasing. He readily +promised his aid. "Every time you brew, Maggy," says he, "go three times +to the left round the copper, and at each round take out a ladle-full of +water in the devil's name; then turn three times round to the right, and +each time throw in a ladle-full of malt in God's name; but above all, +wear this charm constantly on your breast, and never during your life +attempt to open it, or dread the worst." She strictly conformed, and her +business increased astonishingly. On her death her friends ventured to +open and examine the charm, when they found it to contain these words: + + "If Maggy will brew good ale, + Maggy will have good sale." + + + + +SHORT DIALOGUE. + + +_Lady_: You can not imagine, captain, how deeply I feel the want of +children, surrounded as I am by every comfort--nothing else is wanting +to render me supremely happy. + +_Captain O'Flinn_: Faith, ma'am, I've heard o' that complaint running in +families; p'rhaps your mother had not any childer either? + + + + +A BLUNT WITNESS. + + +AT a late term of the Court of Sessions a man was brought up by a +farmer, accused of stealing some ducks. + +"How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. + +"Oh, I should know them _any_ where," replied the farmer; and he went on +to describe their different peculiarities. + +"Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rare +breed; I have some very like them in my own yard." + +"That's not unlikely, Sir," replied the farmer; "they are not the _only_ +ducks I have had stolen lately!" + +"Call the _next_ witness!" + + + + +QUESTION SOLVED. + + +A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a stout fellow, + +"If two pigs weigh twenty pounds, how much will a large hog weigh?" + +"Jump into the scales," was the reply, "and I'll tell you in a minute!" + +The mathematician "had him there!" + + + + +SCOTTISH THEATRICALS. + + +A COMPANY of performers announced in their bills the opening of a +theatre at Montrose, with the Farce of _The Devil to Pay_, to be +followed with the Comedy of _The West Indian_. Adverse winds, however, +prevented the arrival of their scenes from Aberdeen, in time for +representation, on the evening appointed. It was therefore found +necessary to give notice of the postponement of the performance, which +was thus delivered by the town-crier: + +"O yes! O yes! O yes! this is to let you to wit, that the play-ackers +havena' got their screens up yet frae Aberdeen, and so canna begin the +night; but on Monday night, God willing, there will be _the Deevil to +pay in the West Indies_." + + + + +THE CUNNING FOOL. + + +A GENTLEMAN had a son who was deemed an idiot. The little fellow, when +nine or ten years of age, was fond of drumming, and once dropt his +drum-stick into the draw-well. He knew that his carelessness would be +punished by its not being searched for, and therefore did not mention +his loss, but privately took a large silver punch-ladle, and dropped it +into the same well. Strict inquiry took place; the servants all pleaded +ignorance, and looked with suspicion on each other; when the young +gentleman, who had thrust himself into the circle, said he had observed +something shine at the bottom of the draw-well. A fellow was dropt down +in the bucket, and soon bawled out from the bottom, "I have found the +punch-ladle, so wind me up." "Stop," roared out the lad, "stop, _now +your hand's in, you may as well bring up my drum-stick_." + + + + +THE DEAN INSTRUCTED. + + +A GENTLEMAN having sent a turbot as a present to Swift, the servant who +carried it entered the doctor's study abruptly, and laying down the +fish, said, "Master has sent you this turbot." "Heyday! young man," +exclaimed the Dean, "is this the way you behave yourself? Let me teach +you better. Sit down on this chair, and I will show you how to deliver +such a message." The boy sat down, and the Dean going to the door, with +the fish in his hand, came up to the table, and making a low bow, said, +"Sir, my master presents his kind compliments, and begs your acceptance +of this turbot." "Does he?" answered the boy, assuming all the +consequence of his situation. "Here, John! (_ringing_,) take this honest +lad down to the kitchen, and let him have as much as he can eat and +drink; then send him up to me, and I'll give him half a crown." + + + + +ADVICE. + + +A GENTLEMAN, who used to frequent the Chapter Coffee-house, being +unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning +his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of +the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for +such a complaint? "I'll tell you," said the doctor, "you should _take +advice_." + + + + +MIRACLE OF MIRACLES. + + +THE author of the life of St. Francis Xavier, asserts, that "by one +sermon he converted _ten thousand persons_ in a _desert_ island." + + + + +CREDAT JUDÆUS APELLA, NON EGO. + + +A GENTLEMAN, talking of the tenacity of life in turtles, asserted that +he had himself seen the head of one, which had been cut off three weeks, +open its jaws. The circle around did not exactly contradict him, but +exhibited expressive appearances of incredulity. The historian referred +himself to a stranger, whose polite attention to the tale flattered him +that it had received his full credence, which was corroborated by the +other observing that he had himself seen strong instances of the +turtle's tenaciousness of life. The stranger answered, "Your account is +a very extraordinary one; could you have believed it if you had not seen +it yourself?" The narrator readily answered, "No." "Then," replied the +other, to his infinite mortification, and the gratification of the +company, "I hope you will pardon me if I do not believe it." + + + + +WARNING. + + +A SERVANT telling her master that she was going to give her mistress +warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night, he exclaimed +with a sigh, "Happy girl! I wish I could give her warning too!" + + + + +IRISH RECRUITING. + + +A SERJEANT enlisted a recruit, who on inspection turned out to be a +woman. Being asked by his officer how he made such a blunder, he said, +"Plase your honor I could not help it; I enlisted this _girl_ for a +_man_, and _he_ turns out to be a _woman_." + + + + +SCENE IN A POLICE OFFICE. + + +THE prisoner in this case, whose name was Dickey Swivel, alias "Stove +Pipe Pete," was placed at the bar, and questioned by the Judge to the +following effect: + +_Judge_: Bring the prisoner into court. + +_Pete_: Here I am, bound to blaze, as the spirits of turpentine said, +when he was all a fire. + +_Judge_: We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live? + +_Pete_: I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked if he'd +be roasted or fried. + +_Judge_: We don't want to know what the oyster said or the turpentine +either. What do you follow? + +_Pete_: Anything that comes in my way, as the engine said when he run +over a little nigger. + +_Judge_: Don't care anything about the locomotive. What's your business? + +_Pete_: That's various, as the cat said when she stole the chicken off +the table. + +_Judge_: If I hear any more absurd comparisons, I will give you twelve +months. + +_Pete_: I am done, as the beef steak said to the cook. + +_Judge_: Now, Sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness and +correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going around the +docks? + +_Pete_: No, Sir. I can't go around docks without a boat, and I hain't +got none. + +_Judge_: Answer me now, Sir. How do you get your bread? + +_Pete_: Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters. + +_Judge_: No more of your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself? + +_Pete_: Sometimes on my legs, and sometimes on a cheer, (chair.) + +_Judge_: How do you keep yourself alive? + +_Pete_: By breathing, Sir. + +_Judge_: I order you to answer this question correctly. How do you do? + +_Pete_: Pretty well, thank you, Judge. How do _you_ do? + +_Judge_: I shall have to commit you. + +_Pete_: Well, you have committed yourself first, that's some +consolation. + + + + +CHEAP TRAVELING. + + +A YOUTH of more vanity than talent, bragging that during his travels he +never troubled his father for remittances, and being asked how he lived +on the road, answered, "_By my wits._" "Then," replied his friend, "you +must have traveled _very cheaply_." + + + + +NAUTICAL POLEMICS. + + +TWO sailors on board of a man of war had a sort of religious dispute +over their grog, in which one of them referred to the _apostle Paul_. +"He was no apostle," said the other; and this minor question, after much +altercation, they agreed to refer to the boatswain's mate, who after +some consideration declared "that Paul was certainly never _rated_ as an +apostle on the books, because he is not in the list, which consisted +only of twelve; but then he was an _acting apostle_." + + + + +THE BEST CUSTOMERS. + + +DR. RADCLIFF and Dr. Case being together in a jovial company over their +bottle, the former, filling his glass, said, "Come, brother Case, here's +to all the fools that are your patients." "I thank you, my wise brother +Radcliff," answered Case, "let me have all the fools, and you are +heartily welcome to all the rest of the practice." + + + + +A WEST INDIA LEGISLATOR. + + +IN the Jamaica House of Assembly, a motion being made for leave to bring +in a bill to prevent the frauds of wharfingers, Mr. Paul Phipps, member +for St. Andrew, rose and said, "Mr. Speaker, I second the motion; the +wharfingers are to a man a set of rogues; I know it well; _I was one +myself for ten years_." + + + + +THY OWN MOUTH SHALL CONDEMN THEE. + + +A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable country company for an +engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable +of all the first line of business; but as to himself, he was _the worst +actor in the world_. They were engaged, and the lady answered the +character given of her. The husband having had the part of a mere +walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, asked the manager, +indignantly, how he could put him into so paltry a part. "Sir," answered +the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you are the worst +actor in the world." "True," replied the other, "but then I had not seen +you." + + + + +AVOID ALL OFFENCE. + + +DURING the riots of 1780, when most persons, to save their houses, wrote +on their doors, _No popery_, Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, chalked up +on his, _No religion_. + + + + +A LIBERAL PRICE. + + +LOUIS XI. in his youth used to visit a peasant, whose garden produced +excellent fruit. When he ascended the throne, his friend presented him a +turnip of extraordinary size. The king smiled, and remembering his past +pleasures, ordered a thousand crowns to the peasant. The lord of the +village hearing of this liberality, thus argued with himself: "If this +fellow get a thousand crowns for his turnip, I have only to present a +capital horse to the munificent monarch, and my fortune is made." +Accordingly he carries to court a beautiful barb, and requests his +majesty's acceptance of it. Louis highly praised the steed, and the +donor's expectation was raised to the highest, when the king called out, +"Bring me my turnip!" and presenting it to the seigneur, added, "This +turnip cost me a thousand crowns, and I give it you for your horse." + + + + +A PRECEDENT. + + +IN a trial in the King's Bench, Mr. Erskine, counsel for the defendant, +was charged by his opponent with traveling out of his way. Mr. Erskine +in answer said, it reminded him of the celebrated Whitefield, who being +accused by some of his audience of rambling in his discourse, answered, +"If you will ramble to the devil, I must ramble after you." + + + + +A CONVENIENT NAP. + + +AN Oxford scholar, calling early one morning on another, when in bed, +says, + +"Jack, are you asleep?" + +"Why?" + +"Because, I want to borrow half a crown of you." + +"Then I am asleep." + + + + +LITERARY CORRESPONDENCE. + + +DR. JOHNSON, about the end of the year 1754, completed the copy of his +dictionary, not more to his own satisfaction, than that of Mr. Millar, +his bookseller, who, on receiving the concluding sheet, sent him the +following note: + +"Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the +money for the last sheet of the copy of the dictionary, and thanks God +he has done with him." + +To which, the lexicographer returned the following answer: + +"Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is +very glad to find, as he does by his note, that Andrew Millar has the +grace to thank God for anything." + + + + +A PROPER ADDRESS. + + +THE keeper of a mad-house, in a village near London, published an +address in a newspaper, inviting customers, and commencing with, "Worthy +the attention of the insane!" + + + + +A DEBT OF HONOR. + + +MOODY, the actor, was robbed of his watch and money. He begged the +highwayman to let him have cash enough to carry him to town, and the +fellow said, "Well, master Moody, as I know you, I'll lend you half a +guinea; but, remember, honor among thieves!" A few days after, he was +taken, and Moody hearing that he was at the Brown Bear, in Bow street, +went to enquire after his watch; but when he began to speak of it, the +fellow exclaimed, "Is that what you want? I thought you had come to pay +the half guinea you borrowed of me." + + + + +A RELIC. + + +A STUDENT, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, among other things +produced a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is the sword with which Balaam +was going to kill his ass." "I thought," said one of the company, "that +Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one." "You are right, sir," +replied the student, nowise abashed, "this is the very sword he wished +for." + + + + +STUPIDITY PERSONIFIED. + + +M. BOURET, a French farmer-general, of immense fortune, _but stupid to a +proverb_, being one day present, when two noblemen were engaged, in a +party, at piquet, one of them happening to play a wrong card, exclaimed, +"Oh, what a Bouret I am!" Offended at this liberty, Bouret said +instantly, "Sir, you are an ass." "_The very thing I meant_," replied +the other. + + + + +THE DIFFICULTY SURMOUNTED. + + +EXECUTIONS not being very frequent in Sweden there are a great number of +towns in that country without an executioner. In one of these a criminal +was sentenced to be hanged which occasioned some little embarrassment, +as it obliged them to bring a hangman from a distance at a considerable +expense, besides the customary fee of two crowns. A young tradesman, +belonging to the city council, giving his sentiments, said, "I think, +gentlemen, we had best give the malefactor the two crowns, and let him +go and be hanged where he pleases." + + + + +HUMOROUS MISTAKES. + + +THE humors of the telegraph are very amusing. A year or so since, the +agent of the Delaware and Hudson Freighting Line, at Honesdale, +Pennsylvania, sent the following dispatch to the agent at New York: + +"D. Horton--Dear Sir: Please send me a shipping-book for 1859." + +The dispatch received, read as follows: + +"D. Horton:--Please send me a shipping-box eighteen feet by nine." + +The following might have been more disastrous in its results; the same +parties were concerned. Mr. Horton wrote to the proprietor of the line +that he had been subpoenaed on a trial to be held in the Supreme Court +of New York, and that as navigation was about to open, it would be +necessary to send a man to perform his office duties. The following +reply was entrusted to the tender care of the telegraph wire: + +"See the Judge at once and get excused. I cannot send a man in your +place." + +When received, it read as follows: + +"See the Judge at once and get executed; I can send a man in your +place." + +Mr. H. claims on the margin of the dispatch a stay of execution. + +Not long since a gentleman telegraphed to a friend at Cleveland an +interesting family affair, as follows: + +"Sarah and little one are doing well." + +The telegraph reached its destination, when it read thus: + +"Sarah and litter are doing well." + +The recipient telegraphed back the following startling query: + +"For Heaven's sake, how many?" + + + + +SLEEPING IN CHURCH. + + +A CLERGYMAN observed in his sermon, that this was unpardonable, as +people did it with their _eyes open_. Wrapt up in the admiration of his +own discourse, he did not observe that from its tediousness his audience +one by one had slipped away, until there only remained a natural. +Lifting up his eyes, he exclaimed, "What! All gone, except this poor +idiot!" "Aye," says the lad, "and _if I had not been a poor idiot I had +been gone too_." + + + + +ECONOMY. + + +A LADY asked her butler how she might best save a barrel of excellent +small beer; he answered, "By placing a cask of strong beer by it." + + + + +A CONSTELLATION OF BULLS. + +A letter written during the Irish rebellion. + + +_My dear Sir_:--Having now a little _peace and quietness_, I sit down to +inform you of a dreadful _bustle and confusion_ we are in from these +blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, however, thank God, _killed or +dispersed_. + +We are in a pretty _mess_; can get _nothing to eat_, nor any _wine_ to +drink, _except whiskey_; and when we _sit down_ to dinner, we are +obliged to _stand_ with arms in both hands: _whilst I write this letter, +I hold a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded_, from +the _beginning_, that this would be the _end_ of it; and I see I was +right, for _it is not half over yet_. At present there is such _goings +on_, that every thing is _at a stand_. + +I should have answered your letter _a fortnight ago_, but _it only came +this morning_. Indeed, hardly a mail arrives _safe_, without being +_robbed_. Yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin was _robbed_ +near this town: but the _bags_ had been judiciously _left behind_, for +fear of accidents; and by good luck there was nobody _in the coach_, +except _two outside_ passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to +take. + +Last Thursday an alarm was given, that a gang of rebels were advancing +hither, under the French _standard_; but they had no _colors_, nor any +_drums_ except _bagpipes_. Immediately every _man_ in the place, +including _women and children_, ran out to meet them. We soon found our +force _much too little_; and they were _far_ too _near_ for us to think +of retreating; so to it we went: _death_ was _in every face_; but by the +time _half_ our little party was _killed_, we began to be _all alive_. +The rebels fortunately had no _guns_, except _cutlasses and pikes_; and +as we had plenty of _muskets and ammunition_, we put them all to the +_sword_: not a soul of them _escaped_, except some that were _drowned_ +in the adjoining bog; and in a very short time nothing was to be _heard_ +but _silence_. Their _uniforms_ were _all_ of _different shapes_ and +_colours_--in general they were green. After the action we rummaged +their camp; all we found was a few _pikes without heads_, a parcel of +_empty bottles full_ of water, and a bundle of _blank_ French +commissions _filled up_ with Irishmen's names. + +Troops are now stationed every where _round_ the country, which exactly +_squares_ with my ideas. Nothing, however, can save us but a union, +which would turn our _barren hills_ into fruitful _valleys_. I have only +_leisure_ to add, that I am in _great haste_. + +Yours truly, +J. B. + +P. S. If you do not _receive this in course_, it must have _miscarried_, +therefore _write_ immediately to _let me know_. + + + + +THE LOGICIAN REWARDED. + + +A FARMER'S son, who had been bred at the university, coming home to +visit his parents, a couple of chickens were brought to the table for +supper. "I can prove," said he, "by logic, that these two chickens are +three." "Well, let us hear," said the old man. "This," cried the +scholar, "is one; and this is two; one and two make three." "Very good," +replied the father, "your mother shall have the first chicken, I will +have the second, and you, for your great learning, shall have the +third." + + + + +DOUBLE PUNISHMENT. + + +THE captain of the Magnanime found it necessary one day to order a negro +on board a flogging. Being tied up, the captain harangued him on his +offence. Quaco, naked and shivering in the month of December, exclaimed, +"Massa! if you preachee, preachee; if you floggee, floggee; but no +preachee and floggee too." + + + + +REASON AND A PROVERB EXPLAINED. + + +IN a party of wits an argument took place as to the definition of a +reasonable animal. Speech was principally contended for; but on this Dr. +Johnson observed, that parrots and magpies speak; were they therefore +rational? "Women," he added, "we know, are rational animals; but would +they be less so if they spoke less?" Jamie Boswell contended that +cookery was the criterion of reason; for that no animal but man did +cook. "That," observed Burke, "explains to me a proverb, which I never +before could understand--_There is reason in the roasting of eggs_." + + + + +A GENERAL COMPLAINT. + + +THE lieutenant colonel of one of the Irish regiments in the French +service being dispatched from Fort Keil by the Duke of Berwick to the +King of France, with a complaint of some irregularities that had +occurred in that regiment, his majesty observed passionately, that the +Irish troops gave him more trouble than all his forces besides. "Sir," +said the officer, "all your majesty's enemies make the same complaint." + + + + +COOLNESS IN ACTION. + + +IN the action off Camperdown, Admiral de Winter asked one of his +lieutenants for a quid of tobacco. In the act of presenting it, the +lieutenant was carried off by a cannon-ball. "I must be obliged to _you_ +then," said the admiral, turning to another officer, "for you see our +friend is gone away with his tobacco box." + + + + +A CAUTION. + + +A TRAVELER coming into an inn in a very cold night, stood rather too +close before the kitchen fire. A rogue in the chimney corner told him, +"Sir, you'll burn your spurs." "My boots, you mean," said the gentleman. +"No, Sir," replied the other, "they are burnt already." + + + + +IMPROVEMENT. + + +A FRENCH marquis boasted of the inventive genius of his nation, +especially in matters of dress and fashion; "For instance," said he, +"the ruffle, that fine ornament of the hand, which has been followed by +all other nations." "True," answered the Englishman, "but we generally +improve on your inventions; for example, _in adding the shirt to the +ruffle_." + + + + +AN AMENDMENT. + + +AT the time of the jubilee, 1809, a meeting was held of the felons in +Newgate to pray his majesty for their pardon and liberation on the +auspicious occasion. One of them observed, that it would be better, for +them and their successors, to petition that all felonies be tried in the +_Court of Chancery_. + + + + +THE LEARNED DOG. + + +FRANK SIMS, the theatrical registrar, had a dog named Bob, and a +sagacious dog he was; but he was a pusillanimous dog, in a word, an +arrant coward, and above all things he dreaded the fire of a gun. His +master having taken him once to the enclosed part of Hyde Park next to +Kensington Gardens, when the guards were exercising, their first fire so +alarmed Bob that he scampered off, and never after could be prevailed on +to enter that ground. One day he followed his master cordially till he +arrived at its entrance, where a board is placed, with this inscription: +"Do shoot all dogs _who_ shall be found within this inclosure;" when +immediately he turned tail, and went off as fast as his legs could carry +him. A French gentleman, surprised at the animal's rapid retreat, +politely asked Mr. Sims what could be the cause. "Don't you see," said +Sims, "what is written on the board?" to the utter astonishment of the +Frenchman, who had never before seen a dog that could read. + + + + +CAUSE OF BULLS. + + +SIR RICHARD STEELE, being asked why his countrymen were so addicted to +making bulls, said, he believed there must be something in the air of +Ireland, adding, "I dare say, _if an Englishman were born there_ he +would do the same." + + + + +MOT-MALIN. + + +A NOTED miser boasted that he had lost five shillings without uttering a +single complaint. "I am not at all surprised at that," said a wit, +"_extreme sorrow is mute_." + + + + +AS THE FOOL THINKS THE BELL CLINKS. + + +A WIDOW, desirous of marrying her servant John, consulted the curate on +the subject. + +"I am not yet beyond the age of marriage." + +"Marry then." + +"But people will say that my intended is too young for me." + +"Don't marry." + +"He would assist me in managing the business." + +"Marry then." + +"But I am afraid he would soon despise me." + +"Don't marry." + +"But on the other hand a poor widow is despised who has no protector." + +"Marry then." + +"I am sadly afraid, however, that he would take up with the wenches." + +"Then don't marry." + +Uncertain from these contradictory responses, the dame consulted the +bells when ringing, and which seemed to repeat, "Marry your man John." +She took this oracular advice, married, and soon repented. She again +applied to the curate, who told her, "You have not observed well what +the bells said; listen again." She did so, when they distinctly +repeated, "Don't marry John." + + + + +A DOUBLE ENTENDRE. + + +A GENTLEMAN inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl who +showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No," +answered she, "I am to be let--_alone_." + + + + +REASON ON BOTH SIDES. + + +CHARLES II. asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached +in general without book, but always read the sermons which he delivered +before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before him +so great and wise a prince made him afraid to trust himself. "But will +your majesty," continued he, "permit me to ask you a question in my +turn? Why do you read your speeches to parliament?" "Why doctor," +replied the king, "I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so +often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face." + + + + +SELF TAUGHT GENIUS. + + +IN a company of artists, the conversation turned on the subject, whether +self-taught men could arrive at the perfection of genius combined with +instruction. A German musician maintained the affirmative, and gave +himself as an example. "I have," said he, "made a fiddle, which turns +out as good as any Cremona I ever drew a bow over, all _out of my own +head_; aye, and I have got _wood enough left to make another_." + + + + +AN ARTFUL REQUEST. + + +A GENTLEMAN traveling from Paris to Calais, was accosted by a man +walking along, who begged the favor of him to let him put his great coat +in his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman, "but if we +should be going different ways, how will you get your great coat?" +"Sir," answered the other, with apparent _naïvetè_, "I shall be in it." + + + + +A FELONY. + + +A YOUNG gentleman, a clerk in the Treasury, used every morning, as he +came from his lady mother's to the office, to pass by the canal in the +Green Park, and feed the ducks then kept there, with bread and corn, +which he carried in his pocket for the purpose. One day, having called +his grateful friends, the _ducky, ducky, duckies_, he found +unfortunately that he had forgotten them. "Poor duckies!" he cried, "I +am sorry I have not brought your allowance, _but here is sixpence for +you to buy some_," and threw in a sixpence, which one of them caught and +gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to the other +gentlemen there, with whom he was to dine next day. One of the party +putting the landlord up to the story, desired him to have ducks at the +table, and put a sixpence in the body of one of them, which was taken +care to be placed before our hero. On cutting it up, and discovering the +sixpence in its belly, he ordered the waiter to send up his master, whom +he loaded with the epithets of rascal and scoundrel, swearing that he +would have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his ducks; "For," said +he, "gentlemen, I assure you, on my honor, that yesterday morning, _I +gave this sixpence to one of the ducks in the Green Park_."' + + + + +CONVINCING EVIDENCE. + + +A CERTAIN clergyman having been examined as a witness in the King's +Bench, the adverse counsel, by way of brow-beating, said, "If I be not +mistaken, you are known as the _bruising parson_." "I am," said the +divine, "and if you doubt it I will give it you _under my hand_." + + + + +TOO BAD. + + +A MAN who was sentenced to be hung was visited by his wife, who said: +"My dear, would you like the children to see you executed?" "No," +replied he. "That's just like you," said she, "for you never wanted the +children to have any enjoyment." + + + + +PARLIAMENTARY BULL. + + +IN the Irish Bank-bill, passed in June 1808, there is a clause, +providing, that the profits shall be _equally_ divided; and the _residue +go to the Governor_. + + + + +ANOTHER. + + +IN a bill for pulling down the old Newgate in Dublin, and rebuilding it +on the same spot, it was enacted, that the prisoners should remain in +the _old jail_ till the new one was completed. + + + + +CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON. + + +THE deeds themselves, though _mute_, _spoke loud_ the doer. + + + + +ANOTHER. SHAKSPEARE. + + + I WILL strive with things impossible, + Yea, _get the better of them_. + + + + +ANOTHER. DR. JOHNSON. + + + TURN from the glittering bribe your scornful eye, + Nor sell for gold _what gold can never buy_. + + + + +CLASSICAL BULL. DR. JOHNSON. + + +EVERY monumental inscription should be in Latin; for that being a _dead_ +language, it will always _live_. + + + + +ANOTHER. _Ibid._ + + + NOR yet perceived the vital spirit fled, + But still fought on, _nor knew that he was dead_. + + + + +ANOTHER. _Ibid._ + + +SHAKSPEARE has not only _shown_ human nature as it is, but as it would +be found _in situations to which it cannot be exposed_. + + + + +ANOTHER. _Ibid._ + + +THESE observations were made _by favor of a contrary wind_. + + + + +ANOTHER. DRYDEN. + + + A HORRID _silence_ first _invades the ear_. + + + + +ANOTHER. POPE. + + + WHEN first young Maro, in his noble mind, + A work _t'outlast immortal Rome designed_. + + + + +DEPRAVITY OF THE AGE. + + +AN itinerant clergyman preaching on this subject, said that little +children, _who could neither speak nor walk_, were to be seen _running +about the street, cursing and swearing_. + + + + +THE SIGNAL. + + +A MONK having intruded into the chamber of a nobleman, who was at the +point of death, and had lost his speech, continued crying out, "My lord, +will you make the grant of such and such a thing to our monastery? It +will be for the good of your soul." The peer, at each question, nodded +his head. The monk, on this, turned round to the son and heir, who was +in the room: "You see, sir, my lord, your father, gives his assent to my +request." To this, the son made no reply; but turning to his father, +asked him, "Is it your will, sir, that I kick this monk down stairs?" +The nod of assent was given, and the permission put in force with hearty +good will. + + + + +A LONG BOW. + + +A DEALER in the marvellous was a constant frequenter of a house in +Lambeth-walk, where he never failed to entertain the company with his +miraculous tales. A bet was laid, that he would be surpassed by a +certain actor, who, telling the following story, the palm was not only +given to him by the company, but the story teller, ashamed, deserted the +house: + +"Gentlemen," said the actor, "when I was a lad, at sea, as we lay in the +Bay of Messina, in a moonlight night, and perfectly calm, I heard a +little splashing, and looking over the ship's bow, I saw, as I thought, +a man's head, and to my utter surprise, there arose out of the water a +man, extremely well-dressed, with his hair highly powdered, white silk +stockings, and diamond buckles, his garment being embroidered with the +most brilliant scales. He walked up the cable with the ease and +elegance of a Richer. Stepping on deck, he addressed me in English, +thus: 'Pray, young man, is the captain on board?' I, with my hair +standing on end, answered, 'Yes, sir.' At this moment, the captain, +overhearing our conversation, came on deck, and received the visitor +very courteously, and without any apparent surprise. Asking his +commands, the stranger said, 'I am one of the submarine inhabitants of +this neighborhood. I had, this evening, taken my family to a ball, but +on returning to my house, I found the fluke of your anchor jammed so +close up to my street door, that we could not get in. I am come +therefore, to entreat you, sir, to weigh anchor, so that we may get in, +as my wife and daughters are waiting in their carriage, in the street.' +The captain readily granted the request of his aquatic visitor, who took +his leave with much urbanity, and the captain returned to bed." + + + + +GOOD HUMOR RESTORED. + + +ONE evening, at the Haymarket theatre, the farce of the _Lying Valet_ +was to be performed, _Sharp_, by Mr. Shuter; but that comedian being +absent, an apology was made, and it was announced that the part would be +undertaken by Mr. Weston, whose transcendent comic powers were not then +sufficiently appreciated. Coming on with Mrs. Gardner, in the part of +_Kitty Pry_, there was a tumultuous call of "Shuter! Shuter!" but Tom +put them all in good temper, by asking, with irresistibly quaint humor, +"Why should I _shoot her_? She plays her part very well." + + + + +THE REVERSE. + + +THE Abbé Tegnier, secretary to the French academy, one day made a +collection of a pistole a head from the members, for some general +expense. Not observing that the President Rose, who was very penurious, +had put his money in the hat, he presented it to him a second time. M. +Rose assured him that he had put in his pistole. "I believe it," said +the Abbé, "though I did not see it." "And I," said Fontenelle, "saw it, +and could not believe it." + + + + +STERLING COMPOSITION. + + +AT a party of noblemen of wit and genius, it was proposed to try their +skill in composition, each writing a sentence on whatsoever subject he +thought proper, and the decision was left to Dryden, who formed one of +the company. The poet having read them all, said, "There are here +abundance of fine things, and such as do honor to the noble writers, but +I am under the indispensable necessity of giving the palm to my lord +Dorset; and when I have read it, I am convinced your lordships will all +be satisfied with my judgment--these are the inimitable words: + +"'I promise to pay to John Dryden, on order, the sum of five hundred +pounds. + +DORSET.'" + + + + +A CARD PUN. + + +A BUTCHER'S boy, running against a gentleman with his tray, made him +exclaim, "The _deuce_ take the _tray_!" "Sir," said the lad, "the _deuce +can't take the tray_." + + + + +A WHIMSICAL IDEA. + + +THE late Sir Thomas Robinson was a tall, uncouth figure, and his +appearance was still more grotesque, from his hunting-dress: a +postilion's cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. Being at +Paris, and going in this habit to visit his sister, who was married, and +settled there, he arrived when there was a large company at dinner. The +servant announced M. Robinson, and he entered, to the great amazement of +the guests. Among others, an Abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, +and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable longer +to restrain his curiosity, he burst out with, "Excuse me, Sir, are you +the _Robinson Crusoe_ so famous in history?" + + + + +AN IRISH SOLDIER'S QUARTERS. + + +TWO Irish soldiers being stationed in a borough in the west of England, +got into a conversation respecting their quarters. "How," said the one, +"are you quartered?" "Pretty well." "What part of the house do you sleep +in?" "Upstairs." "In the garret, perhaps?" "The garret! no, Dennis +O'Brien would never sleep in the garret." "Where then?" "Why, I know not +what you call it; but if the house were turned topsy turvy, I should be +in the cellar." + + + + +THAT'S SO. + + +A DISTINGUISHED wag about town says, the head coverings the ladies wear +now-a-days, are barefaced false hoods. The perpetrator of this is still +at large. + + + + +A MARSHAL HUMBLED. + + +A FRENCH Field Marshal who had attained that rank by court favour, not +by valour, received from a lady the present of a drum, with this +inscription--"_made to be beaten_." + +The same _hero_, going one evening to the Opera, forcibly took +possession of the box of a respectable Abbé, who for this outrage +brought a suit in a court of honour, established for such cases under +the old government. The Abbé thus addressed the court: "I come not here +to complain of Admiral Suffrein, who took so many ships in the East +Indies. I come not to complain of Count de Grasse, who fought so nobly +in the West; I come not to complain of the Duke de Crebillon, who took +Minorca; but I come to complain of the Marshal B----, who _took my box_ +at the Opera, and _never took any thing else_." The court paid him the +high compliment of refusing his suit, declaring that he had himself +inflicted sufficient punishment. + + + + +A COURTLY COMPLIMENT. + + +A FRENCH officer, just arrived, and introduced to the Court at Vienna, +the Empress told him she heard he had in his travels visited a lady +renowned for her beauty; and asked if it was true that she was the most +handsome princess of her time. The courtier answered, "_I thought so +yesterday._" + + + + +A CONGRATULATION. + + +AT a circuit dinner, a counsellor observed to another, "I shall +certainly hang your client." His friend answered, "I give you joy of +your new office." + + + + +ALGERINE WIT. + + +A FRENCHMAN, taken into slavery by an Algerine, was asked what he could +do. His answer was, that he had been used to a _sedentary_ employment. +"Well, then," said the pirate, "you shall have a pair of feather +breeches, to sit and hatch chickens." + + + + +A ROYAL DECISION. + + +THE Princess of Prussia, having ordered some silks from Lyons, they were +stopped for duties by an excise officer, whom she ordered to attend her +with the silks, and receive his demand. On his entrance into her +apartment, the princess flew at the officer, and seizing the +merchandise, gave him two or three hearty cuffs on the face. The +mortified exciseman complained to the king in a memorial, to which his +majesty returned the following answer: + +"The loss of the duties belonging to my account, the silks are to remain +in the possession of the princess, and the cuffs with the receiver. As +to the alleged dishonor, I cancel the same, at the request of the +complainant; but it is, of itself, null; for the white hand of a fair +lady cannot possibly dishonor the face of an exciseman. + +FREDERICK." + +_Berlin, Nov. 30th, 1778._ + + + + +FELLOW FEELING. + + +A LADY'S favorite dog having bitten a piece out of a male visitor's leg, +she exclaimed, "Poor dear little creature! _I hope it will not make him +sick._" + + + + +UNREASONABLE FASTING. + + +TWO gentlemen, wishing to go into a tavern on one of the national +fast-days, found the door shut; and on their knocking, the waiter told +them from within, that his master would allow no one to enter during +service on the fast-day. "Your master," said one of them, "might be +contented _to fast himself_, without making his _doors fast too_." + + + + +A WHIMSICAL IDEA. + + +A NOBLE lord asked a clergyman at the foot of his table, why, if there +was a goose at dinner, it was always placed next the parson. "Really," +said he, "I can give no reason for it; but your question is so odd, that +I shall never after see a _goose_ without thinking of your lordship." + + + + +THE BREECHES-MAKER CAPTAIN. + + +A CAPTAIN in a volunteer corps, drilling his company, had occasion to +desire one of the gentlemen to step farther out in marching. The order +not being attended to, was repeated in a peremptory tone, when the +private exclaimed, "I cannot, captain, _you have made my breeches too +tight_." + + + + +TIT FOR TAT. + + +TWO contractors, who had made large fortunes, had a quarrel. One of +them, in the midst of the altercation, asked the other contemptuously, +"Do you remember, Sir, when you were my footman?" The other answered, "I +do; and had you been my footman, you would have been a footman still." + + + + +SOUND ARGUMENT. + + +A SAILOR being about to set out for India, a citizen asked him: + +"Where did your father die?" + +"In shipwreck." + +"And where did your grandfather die?" + +"As he was fishing, a storm arose, and the bark foundering, all on board +perished." + +"And your great-grandfather?" + +"He also perished on board a ship which struck on a rock." + +"Then," said the citizen, "if I were you, _I would never go to sea_." + +"And pray, Mr. Philosopher," observed the seaman, "where did your father +die?" + +"In his bed." + +"And your grandfather?" + +"In his bed." + +"And your great-grandfather?" + +"He and all my ancestors died quietly in their beds." + +"Then, if I were you, _I would never go to bed_." + + + + +INGRATITUDE. + + +WHEN the _School for Scandal_ was first performed, Mr. Cumberland sat in +the front of the stage box with the most complete apathy; its wit and +humor never affected his risible muscles. This being reported to Mr. +Sheridan, he observed, "That was very ungrateful, for I am sure I +laughed heartily at his tragedy of _The Battle of Hastings_." + + + + +REASONS FOR DRAM-DRINKING. + + +A GENTLEMAN in a coffee-house called, "Waiter! bring me a glass of +brandy; I am very hot." Another, "Waiter! a glass of brandy; I am +devilish cold." Mr. Quin, "Waiter! give me a glass of brandy; because I +like it." + + + + +SMUGGLING. + + +A LADY asked a silly but conceited Scotch nobleman, how it happened that +the Scots who came out of their own country were in general of more +abilities than those who remained at home. "Madam," said he, "the reason +is obvious; at every outlet there are persons stationed to examine those +who pass, that for the honor of the country no one be permitted to leave +it who is not a person of understanding." "Then," said she, "I presume +your lordship was smuggled." + + + + +A MIS-UNDER-STANDING. + + +A GENTLEMAN desired his boot-maker, as he took measure, to observe +particularly that one of his legs was bigger than the other, and of +course to make one of his boots bigger than the other. When they were +brought home, trying the larger boot on the small leg, it went on +easily, but when he attempted the other, his foot stuck fast. "You are a +pretty tradesman," said he, "I ordered you to make one of the boots +_larger than the other_; and, instead of that, you have made one of them +_smaller than the other_." + + + + +THE DOUBLE BULL. + + +"HOW can you call these blackberries, when they are red?" "Don't you +know that _black_ berries are always _red_ when they are _green_?" + + + + +IRISH DREAMING. + + +WHEN General and Mrs. V. were in Dublin, they were perpetually teased by +an old woman whom they had relieved, but whose importunity had no +bounds; every time she could find an opportunity she had a fresh tale to +extract money from their pockets. One day as they were stepping into +their carriage, Molly accosted them: "Ah! good luck to your honor's +honor, and your ladyship's honor,--to be sure I was not dreaming of you +last night; I dreamt that your honor's honor gave me a pound of tobacco, +and her ladyship gave me a pound of taa." "Aye, my good woman," says the +general, "but you know dreams always go by contraries." "Do they so?" +replied she, "then it must be that your honor will give me the taa, and +her ladyship the tobacco." + + + + +THE PROVIDENT WIFE. + + +A TAILOR dying said to his wife, who was plunged in tears, "My dear, +don't let my death afflict you too much. I would recommend you to marry +Thomas, our foreman; he is a good lad and a clever workman, and would +assist you to carry on the trade." "My love," answered the disconsolate +dame, "make yourself easy on that score, for Tom and I have settled the +matter already." + + + + +THE COCKNEY'S BAGGAGE. + + +SUT LOVINGOOD sends the following to an exchange. A full-blooded Cockney +who is now taking notes on the United States, chanced to be on one of +our southern trains, when a "run off" took place, and a general mixing +up of things was the consequence. Cockney's first act, after +straightening out his collapsed hat, was to raise a terrible 'ubbub +about 'is baggage, and among other things, wanted to know, "hif +railroads hin Hamerika wasn't responsible for baggage stolen, smashed, +or missing?" + +"Well, yes," said the Tennessean addressed, "but it is a deuce of a job +to get your pay." + +"Why so?" + +"They will perhaps admit your claim, but then _they offer to fight you +for it_; that's a standing American rule. There is the man employed by +this road to _fight for baggage_," pointing to a huge bewhiskered +train-hand, who stood by with his sleeves rolled up, "I think, if my +memory serves me, he has fought for sixty-nine lots, _an' blamed if he +haint won 'em all_. They gave him the empty trunks for his pay, and he +is making a hundred dollars a month in selling trunks, valises, +carpet-bags, and satchels. Have you lost any baggage?" + +"No, no, not hat hall. Hi just hasked to learn your custom hin case hi +_did_ lose hany. Hi don't _think_ hi'll lose mine 'owever." + +Here the train-hand who overheard the talk, stepped up, and inquired, +"Have you lost anything?" + +"Ho no! ho no!" replied Cockney, with unusual energy. + +"Can't I sell you a trunk?" + +"Thank you, Sir. No, I think I have a supply." + +"Well, if you do either lose baggage or want to buy a trunk _already +marked_, deuced if I ain't the man to call on." + +It is needless to say that instead of raising Cain generally, as Cockney +had been doing, he betook him to zealously writing notes on American +customs during the remainder of the delay. Probably he indited something +fully equal to the _London Times_ Georgia railroad story. + + + + +EQUIVOQUE. + + +A SCHOLAR put his horse into a field belonging to Morton College, on +which the Master sent him a message, that if he continued his horse +there, he would cut off his tail. "Say you so!" answered the scholar, +"go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse's tail, I will cut off his +ears." This being delivered to the Master, he in a passion sent for the +scholar, who appearing before him, he said sternly, "How now, Sir, what +mean you by that menace you sent me?" "Sir," said the youth, "I menaced +you not; I only said, _if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut off +his ears_." + + + + +THE LOST FOUND. + + +A SERVANT being sent with half a dozen living partridges in a present, +had the curiosity to open the lid of the basket containing them, when +they all made their escape. He proceeded, however, with the letter: the +gentleman to whom it was addressed having read it, said, "I find _in +this letter_ half a dozen of partridges." "Do you, indeed?" cried Pat, +"I am glad you have _found them in the letter_, for they all _flew out +of the basket_." + + + + +A FILLIP TO A KING. + + +THE Earl of St. Albans was, like many other staunch loyalists, little +remembered by Charles II. He was, however, an attendant at court, and +one of his majesty's companions in his gay hours. On one such occasion, +a stranger came with an important suit for an office of great value, +just vacant. The king, by way of joke, desired the earl to personate +him, and ordered the petitioner to be admitted. The gentleman, +addressing himself to the supposed monarch, enumerated his services to +the royal family, and hoped the grant of the place would not be deemed +too great a reward. "By no means," answered the earl, "and I am only +sorry that as soon as I heard of the vacancy I conferred it upon my +faithful friend the Earl of St. Albans [pointing to the king], who has +constantly followed the fortunes both of my father and myself, and has +hitherto gone unrewarded." Charles granted for this joke what the utmost +real services looked for in vain. + + + + +A MERITED REWARD. + + +A PHYSICIAN, during his attendance on a man of letters, remarking that +the patient was very punctual in observing his regimen and taking his +prescriptions, exclaimed with exultation, "My dear sir, you really +_deserve to be ill_!" + + + + +COCKNEYISM. + + +A LONDONER told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of +_hair_. "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker's +shop_." + + + + +A STORY APPLIED. + + +MR. BALFOUR, a Scotch advocate of dry humour, but much pomposity, being +in a large company, where the convivial Earl of Kelly presided, was +requested to give a song, which he declined. Lord Kelly, with all the +despotism of a chairman, insisted that if he would not sing, he must +tell a story or drink a pint bumper of wine. Mr. Balfour, being an +abstemious man, would not submit to the latter alternative, but +consented to tell a story. "One day," said he, "a thief, prowling about, +passed a church, the door of which was invitingly open. Thinking that he +might even there find some prey, he entered, and was decamping with the +pulpit-cloth, when he found his exit interrupted, the doors having been +in the interim fastened. What was he to do to escape with his plunder? +He mounted the steeple, and let himself down by the bell-rope; but +scarcely had he reached the bottom when the consequent noise of the bell +brought together people, who seized him. As he was led off to prison he +addressed the bell, _as I now address your lordship_; said he, '_Had it +not been for your long tongue and your empty head I had made my +escape_.'" + + + + +AMOR PATRIÆ. + + +A DISPUTE arose as to the site of Goldsmith's _Deserted Village_. An +Irish clergyman insisted that it was the little hamlet of Auburn, in the +county of Westmeath. One of the company observed that this was +improbable, as Dr. Goldsmith had never been in that part of the country. +"Why, gentlemen," exclaimed the parson, "was Milton in hell when he +wrote his _Paradise Lost_?" + + + + +A QUAKER JOKE. + + +A CORRESPONDENT sends the Buffalo Express the following good thing for +the hot weather: + +K----, the Quaker President of a Pennsylvania railroad, during the +confusion and panic last fall, called upon the W---- Bank, with which +the road had kept a large regular account, and asked for an extension of +a part of its paper falling due in a few days. The Bank President +declined rather abruptly, saying, in a tone common with that fraternity, + +"Mr. K., your paper _must be paid at maturity_. We _cannot renew it_." + +"Very well," our Quaker replied, and left the Bank. But he did not let +the matter drop here. On leaving the Bank, he walked quietly over to the +depot and telegraphed all the agents and conductors on the road, to +reject the bills on the W---- Bank. In a few hours the trains began to +arrive, full of panic, and bringing the news of distrust of the W---- +Bank all along the line of the road. Stock-holders and depositors +flocked into the Bank, making the panic, inquiring, + +"What is the matter?" + +"Is the Bank broke?" + +A little inquiry by the officers showed that the trouble originated in +the rejection of the bills by the railroad. The President seized his +hat, and rushed down to the Quaker's office, and came bustling in with +the inquiry: + +"Mr. K., have you directed the refusal of our currency by your agents?" + +"Yes," was the quiet reply. + +"Why is this? It will ruin us!" + +"Well, friend L., I supposed thy Bank was about to fail, as thee could +not renew a little paper for us this morning." + +It is needless to say Mr. L. renewed all the Quaker's paper, and +enlarged his line of discount, while the magic wires carried all along +the road to every agent the sedative message, + +"The W---- Bank is all right. Thee may take its currency." + + + + +A ROYAL PHYSICIAN. + + +HENRY VIII. hunting in Windsor Forest, struck down about dinner to the +abbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the Royal Guards, +he was invited to the abbot's table. A sirloin was set before him, on +which he laid to as lustily as any _beef-eater_. "Well fare thy heart," +quoth the abbot, "and here in a cup of sack I remember the health of his +grace your master. I would give a hundred pounds that I could feed on +beef as heartily as you do. Alas! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely +digest the wing of a chicken." The king heartily pledged him, thanked +him for his good cheer, and departed undiscovered. Shortly after, the +abbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and fed on bread and +water, ignorant of the cause, and terrified at his situation. At last, a +sirloin of beef was set before him, on which his empty stomach made him +feed voraciously. "My lord!" exclaimed the king entering from a private +closet, "instantly deposit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. I +have been your physician, and here, as I deserve it, I demand my fee." + + + + +A SELFISH PUN. + + +A CERTAIN tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to +his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighboring oyster-monger, +as being ungenerous and _selfish_; "and why," said he, "would you not +have me _sell-fish_?" + + + + +SYMPATHY. + + +A GOOD deacon making an official visit to a dying neighbor, who was a +very churlish and universally unpopular man, put the usual +question--"Are you willing to go, my friend?" + +"Oh, yes," said the sick man, "I am." + +"Well," said the simple minded deacon, "I am glad you are, for _all the +neighbors are willing_!" + + + + +MATERNAL ADVICE. + + +A NOBLE Lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his +mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, +and his drink water. "What! Madam," said he, "would you have me to +imitate a man, who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish_!" + + + + +PROVERBS APPLIED. + + +A "FAT and greasy citizen," having made a ridiculous motion in the +Common Council, observed afterwards at a select _dinner party_, (or +rather _party dinner_,) that he was afraid he should be _hauled over the +coals_ for it. An alderman present observed, "_Then all the fat would be +in the fire._" + + + + +PROOF OF YORKSHIRE. + + +A LAD, seeing a gentleman in a public house eating eggs, said, + +"Be so good, Sir, as give me a little salt." + +"Salt, for what?" + +"Perhaps, Sir, you'll ask me to eat an egg, and I should like to be +ready." + +"What country are you from, my lad?" + +"I's Yorkshire, Sir." + +"I thought so--Well, there take your egg." + +"Thank you, Sir." + +"Well, they are great horse-stealers in your country are not they?" + +"Yes; my father, though an honest man, would think no more of taking a +horse, than I would of drinking your glass of ale," _taking it off_. + +"Yes, I see you are Yorkshire." + + + + +SCOTCH WEATHER. + + +ON a very wet day in the west of Scotland, a traveler, who had been +detained a week by bad weather, peevishly asked a native, if it always +rained in that country? He replied, drily, "No, it _snows sometimes_." + + + + +AN OBSERVATION EXEMPLIFIED. + + +A BOY on the stage danced very finely and obtained much applause. A +senior dancer enviously observed, that he never knew a clever boy turn +out a great man. The boy said, "Sir, you must have been a very clever +boy." + + + + +TIT FOR TAT. + + +DOBBS was up and doing, April Fool Day. A singular phenomenon was to be +seen in the vicinity of his place of business. Dobbs went home from his +store, the last evening in March, and while taking his tea, remarked to +his wife, that his colored porter had been blessed with an increase in +his family. + +"Why," said Mrs. D., "that makes nine!" + +"Exactly," said he; "but the singularity about this new comer, is, that +one half of its face is black." + +"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. D., "that is singular, indeed. How strange! +What can be the cause of such disfigurement?" + +"Can't say," replied Dobbs, "but it is a curiosity worth seeing, to say +the least of it." + +"So I should think," returned his better half. "I will go down in the +morning, and take such delicacies as the woman needs, and see the child +at the same time." + +Dobbs knew she would, so he went out to smoke a cigar, and the subject +was dropped for the evening. Next morning after he went to his store, +the kind-hearted woman made up a basket of nice things, and taking the +servant girl, went down to cheer up the mother, and see the singular +child. When Dobbs came home to dinner, his wife looked surprised. Before +he had time to seat himself, she said: + +"Have you seen cousin John? He was here, this morning, to pay you the +money you lent him, and as he could not wait for you, and must leave +town again to-day; I told him you would be at the store, at half-past +two. + +"How fortunate!" said he; "I need just that amount to take up a note +to-morrow. Just two, now," said Dobbs, looking at his watch, "I will go +down at once, for fear of missing him." + +"Can't you have dinner first?" said his affectionate wife, "you will be +in time." + +"No," said he, "I want that money, and would not like to miss him, so I +will go at once." + +"By the by," said the lady, "how came you to tell me such a story about +one side of that child's face being white?" + +"No, no," said he, as he put on his hat, "you are mistaken. I said one +side was black. You did not ask me about the other side; _that was +black, too_. First of April, my dear, first of April, you know." + +Dobbs departed in haste, and did not return again until tea time, and +then he looked disappointed. + +"What is the matter, my dear?" said Mrs. D. + +"Why, I missed cousin John, and I needed the thousand dollars to take up +a note to-morrow. And every one is so short, I cannot raise it." + +"Oh! is that all?" returned she, "then it's all right. Cousin John paid +me the money, and said you could send him a receipt by mail." + +"But," asked Dobbs, "why couldn't you tell me so at dinner time, and not +say he would be at the store, to pay me, at half-past two, and so send +me off without my dinner, besides causing me so much anxiety for +nothing?" + +"I am sorry you have had so much anxiety and trouble," returned his +wife; "but you are mistaken in supposing I told you he would be at the +store, at that time. I said I told him _you_ would be there, at +half-past two, and knowing you were in want of that money, I knew you +would not fail. _First of April, my dear, first of April, you know!_" + +Dobbs caved in; he acknowledged the corn, and Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs enjoyed +a pleasant supper. + + + + +THE REGRET. + + +JOSEPH II. Emperor of Germany, traveling incognito, stopped at an inn in +the Netherlands, where, it being fair time, and the house crowded, he +readily slept in an outhouse, after a slender supper of bacon and eggs, +for which, and bed, he paid the charge of about three shillings and +sixpence, English. A few hours after, some of his majesty's suite coming +up, the landlord appeared very uneasy at not having known the rank of +his guest. "Pshaw! man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is +accustomed to such adventures, and will think nothing of it." "Very +likely," replied mine host, "but I shall. I can never forgive myself for +having an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three and +sixpence." + + + + +NOT TO BE TWICE DECEIVED. + + +A PERSON, more ready to borrow than to pay, prevailed on a friend to +lend him a guinea, on a solemn promise of returning it the ensuing week, +which, to the surprise of the lender, he punctually kept. Shortly after, +he made an application for a larger sum. "No," said the other, "you have +deceived me once, and I will take care you shall not do so a second +time." + + + + +MURDER AND SUICIDE. + + +A CLERGYMAN preaching against lending money on usury, asserted it to be +as great a sin as _murder_. Some time after, he applied to a parishioner +to lend him twenty pounds. "What!" said the other, "after declaring your +opinion that to lend money on usury, was as bad as _murder_?" "I do not +mean," answered the parson, "that you should lend it to me on usury, but +_gratis_." "That," replied the parishioner, "would, in my opinion, be as +bad as _suicide_." + + + + +A CHALLENGE. + + +A SON of Galen, when a company was making merry by ridicule on +physicians, exclaimed, "I defy any person I ever attended, to accuse me +of ignorance or neglect." "That you may do, doctor, _dead men tell no +tales_." + + + + +A QUALIFICATION. + + +A YOUNG nobleman, lately admitted a member of the Board of Agriculture, +observed, as he took his seat, that he himself was an extensive farmer. +The company knowing his lordship's pursuits to be very different, stared +a little at the declaration; but he explained it, by saying, he had +sowed a great deal of _wild oats_. + + + + +QUICK WORK. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON, speaking of the rapid manner in which wicked deeds are +perpetrated, said that it only required two _seconds_ to fight a duel. + + + + +NON COMMITTAL. + + +A CALM, blue-eyed, self-composed, and self-possessed young lady, in a +village "down east," received a long call the other day, from a prying +old spinster, who, after prolonging her stay beyond even her own +conception of the young lady's endurance, came to the main question +which brought her thither: "I've been asked a good many times if you was +engaged to Dr. C----. Now, if folks enquire again whether you be or not, +what shall I tell them I think?" "Tell them," answered the young lady, +fixing her calm blue eyes in unblushing steadiness upon the inquisitive +features of her interrogator, "tell them that you think you don't know, +and you're sure it's none of your business." + + + + +GRIEF. + + +A DUTCHMAN having suddenly lost an infant son, of whom he was very fond, +thus vented his inconsolable grief over the loss of his child. "I don't +see wot dit make him die; he was so fatter as butter. I wouldn't haf him +tie for five dollars!" + + + + +JUDICIOUS REMARK. + + +A NEGRO, whom Dr. Franklin brought over from America, observed, that the +only gentleman in this country was the hog--"Everything work: _man_ +work, _woman_ work, _horse_ work, _bullock_ work, _ass_ work, _fire_ +work, _water_ work, _smoke_ work, _dog_ work, _cat_ work; but the _hog_, +he eat, he sleep, he do nothing all day--he be the only gentleman in +England." + + + + +A KNOTTY PUN. + + +THE late Caleb Whitefoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a +petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir," replied she; +"pray Mr. Whitefoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not._" + + + + +RETORT FROM A CHILD. + + +A VERY diminutive man, instructing his young son, told him if he +neglected his learning he would never grow tall. The child observed, +"Father, did you ever learn anything?" + + + + +AN APT SCHOLAR. + + +"JOHN, what is the past of see?" + +"Seen, Sir." + +"No, John, it is saw." + +"Yes, Sir, and if a _sea_-fish swims by me it becomes a _saw_-fish, when +it is past and can't be _seen_." + +"John, go home. Ask your mother to soak your feet in hot water, to +prevent a rush of brains to the head." + + + + +CLASSICAL BULL. POPE. + + + EIGHT callow _infants_ filled the mossy nest, + _Herself the ninth._ + + + + +ANOTHER. HOME. + + + BENEATH a mountain's brow, the most remote + And _inaccessible_ by _shepherds trod_. + + + + +A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER. + + +A SAILOR examined on an assault committed on board of ship, was asked by +the counsel, whether the plaintiff or defendant struck first. "I know +nothing," said he, "of plaintiff and defendant; I only know, as I have +said already, that Tom knocked Jack down with a marlinspike." "Here," +said the counsel, "is a pretty witness, who does not know the plaintiff +from the defendant!" Proceeding in his cross examination, the counsel +asked where the affray happened? The answer was, "Abaft the binnacle." +"Abaft the binnacle! where's that?" "Here," said the witness, "is a +pretty counsel for you, that does not know abaft the binnacle!" The +counsel, not yet abashed, asked, "And pray, my witty friend, how far +were you from Tom when he knocked down Jack?" "Just five feet seven +inches." "You are very accurate; and how do you happen to know this so +very exactly?" "I thought some fool would ask me, and so I measured it." + + + + +SLANG. + + +LORD MANSFIELD examining a witness, asked, + +"What do you know of the defendant?" + +"O! my lord, _I was up to him_." + +"Up to him! what do you mean by that?" + +"Mean, my lord! why, _I was down upon him_." + +"Up to him and down upon him! what does the fellow mean?" + +"Why I mean, my lord, _I stagged him_." + +"I do not understand your language, friend." + +"Lord! what a flat you must be!" + + + + +SCIENTIFIC DISTINCTIONS. + + +AN eminent physician, and Fellow of the Royal Society, seeing over the +door of a paltry ale-house, _The Crown and Thistle_, by Malcolm Mac +Tavish, M.D., F.R.S., walked in, and severely rebuked the landlord for +this presumptuous insult on science. Boniface, with proper respect, but +with a firmness that showed he had been a soldier, assured the doctor +that he meant no insult to science. "What right then," asked he, "have +you to put up those letters after your name?" "I have," answered the +landlord, "as good a right to these as your honor, as _Drum Major of the +Royal Scots Fusileers_." + + + + +CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. + + +A SOLDIER having been sentenced to receive military punishment, one of +the drummers refused to inflict it, saying it was not his duty. "Not +your duty, Sirrah!" said the adjutant, "what do you mean?" "I know very +well," replied Tattoo, "that it is not my duty; I was present at the +court martial, and heard the colonel say he was to receive _corporal_ +punishment. I am no _corporal_, but only a _drummer_." + + + + +AN APOLOGY. + + +LIEUTENANT O'BRIEN, called _sky-rocket Jack_, was blown up in the Edgar, +but saved on the carriage of a gun. Having got on board the admiral's +ship, all dirty and wet, he said, "I hope, Sir, you will excuse my +appearing before you in this dishabille, as I came away _in such a devil +of a hurry_." + + + + +BLINDNESS _vs._ SIGHT. + + +A BLIND man having hidden a hundred guineas in the corner of his garden, +a neighbor, who observed him in the act, dug them up, and took them. The +blind man, missing his money, suspected who was the thief; but to accuse +him would serve no purpose. He called on him, saying he wished to take +his advice; that he was possessed of two hundred guineas, one hundred of +which he had deposited in a secret spot; now he wished to have his +opinion, whether he should conceal the remainder in the same place, or +if he had better put it in the hands of a banker. The neighbor advised +him, by all means, as the safest way, to hide it along with the rest, +and hastened to replace what he had taken, in the hope of catching +double the sum. But the blind man, having recovered his treasure, took +occasion to tell his neighbor, "Blind as I am, _I can see as far into a +mill-stone as you_." + + + + +A RETORT. + + +A SPENDTHRIFT rallying a miser, among other things, said, "I'll warrant +these buttons on your coat were your great-grandfather's." "Yes," +answered he, "and I have likewise got my great-grandfather's lands." + + + + +A CHRISTIAN PRECEPT. + + +A PHYSICIAN seeing old Bannister about to drink a glass of brandy, said, +"Don't drink that poisonous stuff! brandy is the worst enemy you have." +"I know that," answered Charles, "but we are commanded _to love our +enemies_." + + + + +VANITY HUMBLED. + + +A CONSEQUENTIAL Scotch laird riding on the footpath of the high road +between Edinburgh and Dalkeith, met a respectable farmer-looking man on +foot, whom he insolently ordered to get out of the way. The other +answered, + +"I am in the proper way, while you very improperly ride on the +footpath." + +"Do you know, Sir, to whom you are talking?" + +"Not I, indeed." + +"I am Mr. ----, of ----." + +"Very likely." + +"And I am one of the trustees for this road." + +"Then you are a very bad trustee, thus to misuse the foot-way, and +interrupt passengers." + +"You are an impudent scoundrel, and I have a great mind to have you laid +by the heels. What is your name, fellow?" + +"_Henry, Duke of Montague._" + + + + +A LESSON. + + +A MISER having heard of another still more parsimonious than himself, +waited on him to gain instruction. He found him reading over a small +lamp, and having explained the cause of his visit, "If that be all," +said the other, "we may as well put out the lamp, we can converse full +as well in the dark." "I am satisfied," said the former, "that as an +economist I am much your inferior, and I shall not fail to profit by +this lesson." + + + + +A LEGISLATOR. + + +AN Irish member, adverting to the great number of _suicides_ that had +occurred, moved for leave to bring in a bill to make it a capital +offence! + + + + +DEAR WINE. + + +MR. ELWES, who united the most rigid parsimony with the most gentlemanly +sentiments, received a present of some very _fine wine_ from a wine +merchant, who knew that nothing could so win his heart as small gifts. +It had the effect to obtain from him the loan of several hundred pounds. +Mr. Elwes, who could never ask a gentleman for money, and who was a +perfect philosopher as to his losses, used jocularly to say, "It was +indeed very fine wine; for it cost him twenty pounds a bottle." + + + + +A GOOD HIT. + + +A GENTLEMAN being out a-shooting with Mr. Elwes, missed a dozen times +successively. At length, firing at a covey of partridges, he lodged two +pellets in Mr. Elwes's cheek, which gave him considerable pain; but on +the other apologizing, and expressing his sorrow for the unfortunate +accident, "My dear Sir," said the old man, "I give you joy of your +improvement; _I knew you would hit_ something _by and by_." + + + + +SPENDING TIME. + + +"WHAT makes you spend your time so freely, Jack?" + +"Because it's the only thing I have to spend." + + + + +THE LESSON PROFITED BY. + + +AN attorney traveling with his clerk to the circuit, the latter asked +his master what was the chief point in a lawsuit. He answered, "If you +will pay for a couple of fowls to our supper, I'll tell you." This being +agreed to, the master said, "The chief point was _good witnesses_." +Arrived at the inn, the attorney ordered the fowls, and when the bill +was brought in, told the clerk to pay for them according to agreement. +"O Sir," said he, "where are your _good witnesses_?" + + + + +BLACK WORK WELL PAID. + + +A CLERGYMAN meeting a chimney sweeper, asked whence he came? + +"I have been sweeping your reverence's chimneys." + +"How many were there?" + +"Twenty, Sir." + +"Well, and how much do you get a chimney?" + +"Only a shilling a piece, Sir." + +"Why, I think a pound is pretty well for your morning's work." + +"Yes, Sir, _we black-coats_ get our money easy enough." + + + + +PROOF OF IDENTITY. + + +RICHARD II., on the Pope reclaiming, as a son of the church, a bishop +whom he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate's _coat of +mail_, and in the words of the Scripture asked him, "Know now whether +this be _thy son's coat_ or not?" + + + + +NO LOSS FOR AN EXCUSE. + + +THE Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin out of earthen +vessels, glazed and painted, within and without, with _dainty devices_. +A farmer in the principality, who had a curious quart mug, with an angel +painted on the bottom, on the inside, found that a neighbor who very +frequently visited him, and with the customary hospitality had the first +draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for the rest of +the party. This, our farmer three or four times remonstrated against, as +unfair; but was always answered, "Hur does so love to look at that +pretty angel, that hur always drinks till hur can see its face." The +farmer on this set aside his angel cup, and the next Shrewsbury fair, +bought one with the figure of the devil painted at the bottom. This +being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest, he made but one draught, +and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being asked his reason, as he +could not now wish to look at the angel, he replied, "No, but hur cannot +bear to leave that ugly devil a drop." + + + + +THE GENERAL CHALLENGED. + + +GENERAL CRAIG, when in Dublin, called his servant to get ready his +horse, but Pat was missing, and when he did make his appearance, he was +_not perfectly sober_. The general asked where he had been? "I have +been, sir," answered he, "where you dare not show your face, and doing +what you dare not do, brave as you are." "Where, and what?" demanded the +general, sternly. "Why, I have been _at the whiskey shop, spending my +last sixpence_." + + + + +A QUESTION ANSWERED. + + +A SAILOR on ship-board, having fallen from the mizen-top, but his fall +having been broken by the rigging, got up on the quarter deck, little +hurt. The lieutenant asked where he _came from_? "Plase your honor," +replied he, "I came from _the north of Ireland_." + + + + +A COUNSELLOR. + + +WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to +his late majesty, as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which +the king himself was determined should be given to another. The council, +however, resolved not to indulge the king, _for fear of a dangerous +precedent_. It was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of +the office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty, by +asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know +with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled +up? "_With the devil's!_" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And +shall the instrument," said the earl, coolly, "run as usual--_to our +trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?_" + + + + +AN HIBERNIAN CAPTURE. + + +LIEUTENANT CONNOLLY, an Irishman, in the service of the United States, +during the American war, having himself taken three Hessians prisoners, +and being asked by the general, how he took them, he answered, "_I +surrounded them._" + + + + +A BON BOUCHE. + + +AN Irish counsellor, author of one of the numerous pamphlets which +emanated from the press on the subject of the union, meeting a brother +barrister, asked him if he had seen his publication. The other answered, +that he had, that very day, been dipping into part of it, and was +delighted with its contents. Quite elated, the author asked his friend +what part of the contents pleased him so much. "It was," answered the +other, "a _mince pie_ which I got from the pastry cook's, wrapped up in +half a sheet of your work." + + + + +CAN'T BE WORSE. + + +A VERY plain man was acting the character of Mithridates, in a French +theatre, when Monima said to him, "My lord, you change countenance;" a +young fellow in the pit, cried, "For heaven's sake, let him." + + + + +VIRTUE CHEAP. + + +A STONE mason was employed to engrave the following epitaph on a +tradesman's wife: "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband." The +stone, however, being narrow, he contracted the sentence in the +following manner: "A virtuous woman is 5_s._ to her husband." + + + + +THOROUGH WORK. + + +A BRICKLAYER fell through the rafters of an unfinished house, and nearly +killed himself; a bystander declared that he ought to be employed, as he +went smartly through his work. + + + + +NOT TO BE DONE BROWN. + + +DR. BROWN courted a lady for many years unsuccessfully; during which +time, he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever +he was called upon for a lady. But being observed, one evening, to omit +it, a gentleman reminded him that he had forgotten to toast his favorite +lady. "Why, indeed," said the doctor, "I find it all in vain; I have +toasted her so many years, and cannot make her Brown, that I am +determined to toast her no longer." + + + + +FITNESS OF THINGS. + + +AN Irish sergeant, on a march, being attacked by a dog, pierced the +animal with his halbert. On the complaint of the owner, the superior +officer said to the offender, "Murphy, you were wrong in this. You +should have struck the dog with the butt end of your halbert, and not +with your blade." "Plaise your honor," says Murphy, "and I would have +been glad for to save myself the trouble of claining my iron, if he had +only been so kind as to bite me with his tail, instead of his teeth." + + + + +LETTING ON. + + +A LAWYER, in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, +took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused +with tears. This had a great effect, till the opposite lawyer asked what +made him cry? "He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The whole +court was convulsed with laughter. + + + + +AN INFALLIBLE RECEIPT. + + +AS Louis XIV. was, one severe frosty day, traveling from Versailles to +Paris, he met a young man, very lightly clothed, tripping along in as +much apparent comfort as if it had been in the midst of summer. He +called him,--"How is it," said the king, "that, dressed as you are, you +seem to feel no inconvenience from the cold, while, notwithstanding my +warm apparel, I cannot keep from shivering?" "Sire," replied the +pedestrian, "if your majesty will follow my example, I engage that you +will be the warmest monarch of Europe." "How so?" asked the king. "Your +majesty need only, like me, _carry all your wardrobe on your back_." + + + + +AN APT SCHOLAR. + + +"GEORGE, what does C A T spell?" + +"Don't know, Sir." + +"What does your mother keep to catch mice?" + +"Trap, Sir." + +"No, no, what animal is very fond of milk?" + +"A baby, Sir." + +"You dunce, what was it scratched your sister's face?" + +"My nails, Sir." + +"I am out of all patience! There, do you see that animal on the fence?" + +"Yes, Sir." + +"Do you know its name?" + +"Yes, Sir." + +"Then tell me what C A T spells." + +"Kitten, Sir." + + + + +PROPENSITIES. + + +THE American General Lee, being one day at dinner where there were some +Scotch officers, took occasion to say, that when he had got a glass too +much, he had an unfortunate propensity to abuse the Scotch, and +therefore should such a thing happen, he hoped they would excuse him. +"By all means," said one of the Caledonians, "we have all our failings, +especially when in liquor. I have myself, when inebriated, a very +disagreeable propensity, if I hear any person abusing my country, to +take the first thing I can lay hold of, and knock that man down. I hope +therefore the company will excuse me if anything of the kind should +happen." General Lee did not that afternoon indulge his propensity. + + + + +UNCONSCIONABLE EXPECTATION. + + +A CULPRIT having been adjudged, on a conviction of perjury, to lose his +ears, when the executioner came to put the sentence in force, he was +rather disappointed at finding the fellow had been cropped before. The +criminal with great _sang froid_ exclaimed, "What! do you think I am +always obliged to find you ears?" + + + + +A CASE OF ALARM. + + +AN Irish gentleman, hearing that his widowed mother was married again, +said, in great perturbation, "I hope she won't have a son _older than +me_, to cut me out of the estate!" + + + + +INDIAN FINESSE. + + +SOON after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley saw a stout +Indian idling in the market-place of Boston, and asked him why he did +not work? He said he had nobody to employ him, but added, "Why don't you +work, massa?" "Oh!" says the Governor, "my head works; but come, if you +are good for any thing I will give you employment." He accordingly took +him into his service, but soon found him to be an idle and thievish +vagabond. For some tricks one day, his Excellency found it necessary to +order him a whipping, which he did by a letter he desired him to carry, +addressed to the provost marshal. Jack's guilty conscience made him +suspect the contents, and meeting another Indian, he gave him a glass of +rum to carry it for him. The poor devil willingly undertook to deliver +it, and the marshal, as directed, caused the bearer to receive a hearty +flogging. When this reached the Governor's ears, he asked Mr. Jack how +he dared do such a thing. "Ah! massa," said he, "_head work_!" + + + + +ECONOMICAL. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON says that she did not marry her second husband because +she loved the male sex, but just because he was the size of her first +protector, and would come so good to wear his old clothes out. + + + + +GOOD TOAST. + + +AT a dinner in Springfield, Mass., recently, a lady sent the following +volunteer toast:--"_Spruce_ old bachelors--the _ever greens_ of +society." + + + + +NEW CAUSE OF IMPRISONMENT. + + +A COUNSEL having been retained to oppose a person justifying bail in the +Court of King's Bench, after asking some common-place questions, was +getting rather aground, when a waggish brother, sitting behind, +whispered him to interrogate the bail as to his having been a prisoner +in Gloucester gaol. Thus instructed, our learned advocate boldly asked, +"When, Sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The bail, a reputable +tradesman, with astonishment declared that he never was in a gaol in his +life. The counsel persisted; but not being able to get any thing more +out of him, turned round and asked his friendly brother, for what the +man had been imprisoned? The answer was, "_For suicide_." Without +hesitation, he then questioned him thus: "Now, Sir, I ask you on your +oath, and remember I shall have your words taken down, were you not +_imprisoned_ in Gloucester gaol _for the crime of suicide_?" + + + + +THE BISHOP ANSWERED. + + +AN ignorant rector had occasion to wait on a bishop, who was so incensed +at his stupidity that he exclaimed, "What _blockhead_ gave you a +living?" The rector respectfully bowing, answered, "Your lordship." + + + + +SIMPLICITY _vs._ WIT. + + +A COUNTRY booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson +peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of +wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr. +_Wiseacre_!" + + + + +AN ELIGIBLE CORPS. + + +MR. BENSLEY, before he went on the stage, was a captain in the army. One +day he met a Scotch officer who had been in the same regiment. The +latter was happy to meet his old messmate, but was ashamed to be seen +with a player. He therefore hurried Bensley to an unfrequented +coffee-house, where he asked him very seriously, "Hoo could ye disgrace +the corps by turning a play-actor?" Mr. Bensley answered, that he by no +means considered it in that light; on the contrary, that a respectable +performer of good conduct was much esteemed, and kept the best company. +"And what, man," said the other, "do you get by this business of yours?" +"I have," replied Mr. B., "at present an income of near a thousand a +year." "A thousand a year!" exclaimed Saunders, astonished, "_hae ye ony +vacancies in your corps?_" + + + + +AN INVITATION. + + +A LITTLE girl, who was at dinner among a large party, fearing she had +been forgotten to be helped, crumbled some bread upon her plate, saying +at the same time to a boiled chicken near her, "_Come biddy, come!_" + + + + +AN ARCH QUESTION. + + +DOMINICO, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, which was +served in gold, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, of +whom he was a favourite, said, "Give that dish to Dominico." "_And the +partridges too, Sire?_" said the actor. The king repeated, smiling, "And +the partridges too." + + + + +IF THE CAP FITS. + + +THE following advertisement was some years ago posted up at North +Shields: + +"Whereas several idle and disorderly persons have lately made a practice +of riding on an ass belonging to Mr. ----, the head of the Ropery +stairs; now, lest any accident should happen, he takes this method of +informing the public, that he has determined _to shoot his said ass_, +and cautions any person who may be riding on it at the time, to take +care of himself, lest by some unfortunate mistake he should shoot the +_wrong one_." + + + + +A PRIVILEGED PLACE. + + +A BEAU highwayman and a miserable chimney sweeper were to be hanged +together at Newgate for their respective deserts. When the ordinary was +exhorting them, previously to the execution, the latter brushed rather +rudely against the former, to hear what the parson was saying. "You +black rascal!" said the highwayman, "what do you mean by pressing on me +so?" Poor sweep, whimpering, said, "_I am sure I have as good a right +here as you have._" + + + + +ADVANTAGE OF SPECTACLES. + + +DR. FRANKLIN always wore spectacles. One day, on Ludgate hill, a porter +passing him was nearly pushed off the pavement by an unintentional +motion of the doctor. The fellow, with characteristic insolence, +exclaimed, "Damn your spectacles!" Franklin, smiling, observed, "It is +not the first time they have _saved my eyes_." + + + + +A RARE BIT. + + +THE following extract from the inimitable "Autocrat of the Breakfast +Table," is a fair specimen of the author's genius for humor: + +Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers, +under the title, "From our Foreign Correspondent," does any harm?--Why, +no,--I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceive +people any more than the "Arabian Nights," or "Gulliver's Travels" do. +Sometimes the writers compile _too_ carelessly, though, and mix up facts +out of geographies, and stories out of the penny papers, so as to +mislead those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of one +of the papers, the other day, which contains a number of +improbabilities, and, I suspect, misstatements. I will send up and get +it for you, if you would like to hear it.----Ah, this is it; it is +headed + +"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE." + +"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,--having been +won, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ----Stamford, during the +stock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of this +gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions +(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries.' +This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a +large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for +their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm +weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. The +summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but +this fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason, +the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northern +regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter. + +"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper tree +and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a +benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for +supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that +delightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D. P.] It is said, +however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ in +England, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, +refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of +the vessel in which they were brought over. This information was +received from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and +exceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skillful in +the _cuisine_ peculiar to the island. + +"During the season of gathering the pepper, the persons employed are +subject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and +long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of these +attacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven +backwards for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known +principle of the æolipile. Not being able to see where they are going, +these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or are +precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost +annually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed wholly on this +stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury is +resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the +_pepper-fever_, as is called, cudgeled another most severely for +appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only +pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species +of swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well +known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mahometan +Buddhists. + +"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe +and America under the familiar name of _maccaroni_. The smaller twigs +are called _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be +observed in the soups containing them. Maccaroni, being tubular, is the +favourite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered +peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island, +therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being +accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be +thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the +maccaroni arrives among us. It therefore always contains many of these +insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that +accidents from this source are comparitavely rare. + +"The fruit of the bread-tree consists principally of hot rolls. The +buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with the cocoa-nut +palm, the cream found on the milk of the cocoa-nut exuding from the +hybrid in the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so +as to fit it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with +cold"-- + +--There,--I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of +these statements are highly improbable.--No, I shall not mention the +paper.--No, neither of them wrote it, though it reminds me of the style +of these popular writers. I think the fellow who wrote it must have been +reading some of their stories, and got them mixed up with his history +and geography. I don't suppose _he_ lies;--he sells it to the editor, +who knows how many squares off "Sumatra" is. The editor, who sells it to +the public----By the way, the papers have been very civil----haven't +they?--to the--the--what d'ye call it?--"Northern Magazine,"--isn't +it?--got up by some of those Come-outers, down East, as an organ for +their local peculiarities. + + + + +SHAKSPEARE QUOTED. + + +A VILE scraper making a discordant sound with his violin, a friend +observed, "If your instrument could speak, it would address you in the +words of Hamlet: "_Though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me_." + + + + +CAUTION TO GAMESTERS. + + +A GERMAN baron at a gaming house, being detected in an _odd trick_, one +of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On +this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him never to play _so +high again_. + + + + +AT THE BAR. + + +A CRIMINAL being asked, in the usual form, what he had to say why +judgment of death should not be passed against him, answered, "Why, I +think there has been quite enough said about it already--if you please +we'll drop the subject." + + + + +HOCK. + + +A PEDANTIC fellow called for a bottle of hock at a tavern, which the +waiter, not hearing distinctly, asked him to repeat. "A bottle of +hock--hic, hæc, hoc," replied the visitor. After sitting, however, a +long time, and no wine appearing, he ventured to ring again, and enquire +into the cause of delay. "Did I not order some hock, sir? Why is it not +brought in?" "Because," answered the waiter, who had been taught Latin +grammar, "you afterwards _declined_ it." + + + + +DORIC WIT. + + +A PERSON asking another, while viewing the front of Covent-garden +theatre, of what order the pillars at the entrance were, received the +answer, "Why, sir, I am not very conversant in the orders of +architecture; but from their being at the entrance of the house, I take +it for granted, it must be the Dor-ic." + + + + +FAMILY LIKENESS. + + +A YANKEE, speaking of his children, said he had seven sons, none of whom +looked alike but Jonathan, and Jonathan did look just alike. + + + + +ACTUAL EXPERIMENT. + + +"LA me! good old neighbor," cried Mrs. Popps, "what are you going to do +with that great ugly crow?" "Why, you see, we hear as how they live a +hundred years, so husband and I got one to try." + + + + +A TREMENDOUS THREAT. + + +A MAN being convicted of bigamy, at the Wexford assizes, the judge, in +pronouncing sentence, thus addressed the prisoner: "Yours is a most +atrocious case, and I am sorry that the greatest punishment which the +law allows me to inflict, is, that you be transported to parts beyond +the seas, for seven years; but if I had my will, you should not escape +thus easily; I would sentence you to _reside in the same house with both +your wives, for the term of your natural life_." + + + + +INQUISITIVE. + + +A SMART old Yankee lady, being called into court as a witness, grew +impatient at the questions put to her, and told the judge she would quit +the stand, for he was "raly one of the most inquisitive old gentlemen +she ever see." + + + + +GRAFTING. + + +A LADY, being so unfortunate as to have her husband hang himself on an +apple tree, the wife of a neighbor immediately came to beg a branch of +the tree for grafting. "For who knows," said she, "but it may bear the +same kind of fruit?" + + + + +IN ORDERS. + + +A COUNTRY squire introduced his baboon, in clerical habits, to say +grace. A clergyman, who was present, immediately left the table, and +asked ten thousand pardons for not remembering, that his lordship's +nearest relation was in orders. + + + + +NO STRANGER. + + +A HUMOROUS divine, visiting a gentleman whose wife none of the most +amiable, overheard his friend say, "If it were not for the stranger in +the next room, I would kick you out of doors." Upon which, the clergyman +stepped in, and said, "Pray, sir, make no stranger of me." + + + + +BOTH ONE. + + +AN honest clergyman, in the country, was reproving a married couple for +their frequent dissensions, seeing they were both one. "Both one!" cried +the husband; "were you to come by our door sometimes, when we quarrel, +you would swear we were twenty." + + + + +PRESS AND SQUEEZE. + + +A FRENCHMAN having frequently heard the word _press_ made use of to +imply _persuade_, as, "press that gentleman to take some refreshment," +"press him to stay to-night," thought he would show his talents, by +using a synonymous term; and therefore made no scruple, one evening, to +cry out in company, "Pray _squeeze_ that lady to sing." + + + + +TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. + + +A CERTAIN gentleman, not well skilled in orthography, requested his +friend to send him _too_ monkeys. The _t_ not being distinctly written, +his friend concluded his _too_ was intended for 100. With difficulty, he +procured fifty, which he sent; adding, "The other fifty, agreeable to +your order, will be forwarded as soon as possible." + + + + +LONG NOSE. + + +A GENTLEMAN having put out a candle, by accident, one night, ordered his +waiting-man, who was a simple being, to light it again in the kitchen. +"But take care, John," added he, "that you do not hit yourself against +anything, in the dark." Mindful of the caution, John stretched out both +his arms at full length, before him; but unluckily, a door, which stood +half open, passed between his hands, and struck him a woful blow upon +the nose. "Dickens!" muttered he, when he recovered his senses a little, +"I always heard that I had a plaguey long nose, but I vow I never have +thought, before, that it was longer than my arm." + + + + +RIDING DOUBLE. + + +AN Irish sailor, as he was riding, made a pause; the horse, in beating +off the flies, caught his hind foot in the stirrup. The sailor observing +it, exclaimed, "How now, Dobbin, if you are going to get on, I will get +off; for, by the powers, I will not ride double with you." + + + + +BEGIN RIGHT. + + +AN Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, +waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, +desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons. The +flute-player informed him that he generally charged two guineas for the +first month, and one guinea for the second. "Then, by my sowl," replied +the cunning Hibernian, "I'll come the second month." + + + + +INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHOENIX. + + +THE Thomas Hunt had arrived, she lay at the wharf at New Town, and a +rumor had reached our ears that "the Judge" was on board. Public anxiety +had been excited to the highest pitch to witness the result of the +meeting between us. It had been stated publicly that "the Judge" would +whip us the moment he arrived; but though we thought a conflict +probable, we had never been very sanguine as to its terminating in this +manner. Coolly we gazed from the window of the Office upon the New Town +road; we descried a cloud of dust in the distance; high above it waved a +whip lash, and we said, "'The Judge' cometh, and 'his driving is like +that of Jehu the son of Nimshi, for he driveth furiously.'" + +Calmly we seated ourselves in the "_arm chair_," and continued our +labors upon our magnificent Pictorial. Anon, a step, a heavy step, was +heard upon the stairs, and "the Judge" stood before us. + +"In shape and gesture proudly eminent, he stood like a tower: ... but +his face deep scars of thunder had intrenched, and care sat on his faded +cheek; but under brows of dauntless courage and pride, waiting revenge." + +"We rose, and with an unfaltering voice said: "Well, Judge, how do you +do?" He made no reply but commenced taking off his coat. + +We removed ours, also our cravat. + + * * * * * + +The sixth and last round, is described by the pressman and compositors, +as having been fearfully scientific. We held "the Judge" down over the +Press by our nose (which we had inserted between his teeth for that +purpose), and while our hair was employed in holding one of his hands +we held the other in our left, and with the "sheep's foot" brandished +above our head, shouted to him, "Say Waldo," "Never!" he gasped-- + + "O my Bigler!" he would have muttered, + But that he "dried up," ere the word was uttered. + +At this moment we discovered that we had been laboring under a +"misunderstanding," and through the amicable intervention of the +pressman, who thrust a roller between our faces (which gave the whole +affair a very different complexion), the _matter_ was finally settled on +the most friendly terms--"and without prejudice to the honor of either +party." We write this while sitting without any clothing, except our +left stocking, and the rim of our hat encircling our neck like a "ruff" +of the Elizabethan era--that article of dress having been knocked over +our head at an early stage of the proceedings, and the crown +subsequently torn off, while "the Judge" is sopping his eye with cold +water, in the next room, a small boy standing beside the sufferer with a +basin, and glancing with interest over the advertisements on the second +page of the San Diego Herald, a fair copy of which was struck off upon +the back of his shirt, at the time we held him over the Press. Thus ends +our description of this long anticipated personal collision, of which +the public can believe precisely as much as they please; if they +disbelieve the whole of it, we shall not be at all offended, but can +simply quote as much to the point, what might have been the commencement +of our epitaph, had we fallen in the conflict, + +"HERE LIES PHOENIX." + +_Phoenixiana._ + + + + +INCREDULITY. + + +A GENTLEMAN telling a very improbable story, and observing one of the +company cast a doubtful eye, "Zounds, Sir," says he, "_I saw the thing +happen._" "If you did," says the other, "I _must_ believe it; but I +would not have believed it if I had seen it myself." + + + + +A SECOND METHUSELAH. + + +A STATUARY was directed to inscribe on a monument the age of the +deceased, namely 81. The person who gave the order recollecting, +however, that it should have been 82, desired the sculptor to add one +year more; and the veteran to whose memory this stone was erected, is +recorded as having "departed this life at the advanced age of 811!" + + + + +A SCHOOL TEACHER. + + +A GENTLEMAN from Swampville, State of New York, was telling how many +different occupations he had attempted. Among others he had tried school +teaching. "How long did you teach?" asked a by-stander. + +"Wal, I didn't teach long; that is, I only _went_ to teach." + +"Did you hire out?" + +"Wal, I didn't hire out; I only _went_ to hire out." + +"Why did you give it up?" + +"Wal, I gave it up--for some reason or nuther. You see, I traveled into +a deestrict and inquired for the trustees. Somebody said Mr. Snickles +was the man I wanted to see. So I found Mr. Snickles,--named my +objic--interduced myself--and asked him what he thought about lettin' +me try my luck with the big boys and unruly gals of the deestrict. He +wanted to know if I really thought myself capable; and I told him I +wouldn't mind him asken me a few easy questions in 'rithmetic, jography, +or showin' my handwritin'. But he said, No, never mind, he could tell a +good teacher by his _gait_. 'Let me see you walk off a little ways,' +says he, 'and I can tell jis's well's I'd heared you examined,' says he. + +"He sot in the door as he spoke, and I thought, he looked a little +skittish; but I was consider'bly frustrated, and didn't mind much; so I +turned about and walked off as smart as I know'd how. He said he would +tell me when to stop, so I kep' on 'till I tho't I'd gone far 'nough; I +then 'spected suthin' was to pay, and looked round. _The door was shet, +and Snickles was gone!_" + + + + +POSTHUMOUS HONOR. + + +"SANCHO," said a dying planter to his faithful slave, "for your services +I shall leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our family +vault." "Ah, Massa!" replied Sancho, "me rather have de money or de +freedom. Besides, if the devil come in the dark to look for massa, he +make the mistake, and carry away poor negro man." + + + + +THE ANTIGALLICAN. + + +A FRENCHMAN in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was +brought him in a glass. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine +in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French +measures_ here." + + + + +SWEET DEFINITION. + + +A SPRIGHTLY school girl who attends the "Central High," where the +teachers have a way of inciting the pupils to understand what they say +in the classes, was reading the "Last of the Huggermuggers;" and stirred +by the spirit of inquiry, stimulated by her teachers, if not by natural +feminine curiosity, asked a boy cousin of hers, the meaning of +huggermugger. John looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said--"I'll +show you;" and before the incipient woman had time to make any further +remark, John had his arm around her waist, and subjected it to a gentle +pressure--"That's hugger; and this," putting his lips to hers in +affectionate collision, "is _mug ger_!" "Yes," said the not more than +half displeased Sarah Ann, "and this is the _last_ of the huggermuggers, +for if you ever attempt to give me another such definition, I'll box +your ears. I've a great mind to tell Mr. Hall, as I go to school, what +sort of dictionary you are carrying about you all the time."--_Boston +Transcript._ + + + + +COULDN'T AFFORD IT. + + +"I DON'T care much about the bugs," said Mr. Wormly to the head of a +genteel private boarding house, "but the fact is, Madam, I havn't the +blood to spare--you see that yourself." + + + + +PULL DEVIL--PULL BAKER. + + +A QUESTION for the Spike Society. "Would the devil beat his wife if he +had one?" "Guess not--for the women generally beat the devil." + + + + +PROVOKING. + + +"HALLO, boy, did you see a rabbit cross the road there just now?" + +"A rabbit?" + +"Yes, be quick! a rabbit." + +"Was it a kinder gray varmint?" + +"Yes, yes!" + +"A longish critter, with a short tail?" + +"Yes, be quick or he'll gain his burrow." + +"Had it long legs behind, and big ears?" + +"Yes, yes!" + +"And sorter jumps when it runs?" + +"Yes, I tell you; jumps when it runs!" + +"Well, I hain't seen such a critter about here." + + + + +WHEN PRESIDENTS DINE. + + +ON Davy Crocket's return to his constituents after his first session in +Congress, a nation of them surrounded him one day, and began to +interrogate him about Washington. + +"What time do they dine in Washington, Colonel?" + +"Why," said he, "common people, such as you are, get their dinners about +one o'clock, but the gentry and big bugs dine at three. As for +representatives we dine at four, and the aristocracy and the Senators +don't get theirs till five." + +"Well, when does the President fodder?" asked another. + +"Old Hickory!" exclaimed the Colonel, attempting to appoint a time +appropriate to the dignity of the station. "Old Hickory! well he don't +dine until the next day!" + + + + +COOK'S STRIKE. + + +A FEW weeks ago a wealthy family in Philadelphia, having hired a cook +who had been highly recommended to them, she was ordered one day to +prepare among other things, a hash for dinner. The hash came and was +charming--all eagerly partaking of it until the dish was scraped out. So +popular after this did the hash of the new cook become, that it was +nothing but hash every day. At last the poor cook, bringing in a large +dish of it, the perspiration pouring down her face, which was red as a +coal of fire, she set it down, and turned to her mistress and drawing +herself up said: + +"Madam, I strikes!" + +"Strikes! why, what is the matter, Betty?" + +"Cause, ma'am, I can't give you hash every day and forever--_me jaws is +all broke down, and me teeth is all wore out, chawing it up for ye's!_" + + + + +BAD STATE. + + +A SCHOOLMASTER in a neighboring town, wishing to discover the talents of +his scholars for geography, asked one of the youngest of them, what +State he lived in? To which the boy replied, "A state of sin and +misery." + + + + +PRESENCE OF MIND. + + +A POOR fellow, in Scotland, creeping through the hedge of an orchard, +with an intention to rob it, was seen by the owner, who called out to +him, "Sawney, hoot, hoot, man, where are you ganging?" "Back agen," says +Sawney. + + + + +EXTRAVAGANCE. + + +AN Irish "gintleman" had occasion to visit the South some time since. +When he returned, he remarked to a friend that the Southern people were +very extravagant. Upon being asked why so, he remarked, that where he +stayed they had a _candlestick_ worth eleven hundred dollars. + +"Why, how in the world could it cost that much?" inquired a friend. + +"Och, be gorry, it was nuthin' mor'n a big nager fellow holdin a torch +for us to eat by." + + + + +SOMEWHERE. + + +A LADY who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to +a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I +think, Sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely you may," replied +the gentleman, with equal sang froid, "as I have been there very often." + + + + +GOOD SHOT. + + +A PHYSICIAN, who lived in London, visited a lady who resided in Chelsea. +After continuing his visits for some time, the lady expressed an +apprehension that it might be inconvenient for him to come so far on her +account. "Oh! by no means," replied the doctor; "I have another patient +in the neighborhood, and I always set out hoping to kill two birds with +one stone." + + + + +ORIENTAL WIT. + + +A YOUNG man, going on a journey, intrusted a hundred deenars to an old +man. When he came back, the old man denied having had any money +deposited with him, and he was had up before the Khazee. "Where were +you, young man, when you delivered this money?" "Under a tree." "Take my +seal and summon that tree," said the judge. "Go, young man, and tell the +tree to come hither, and the tree will obey you when you show it my +seal." The young man went in wonder. After he had been gone some time, +the Khazee said to the old man, "He is long--do you think he has got +there yet?" "No," said the old man; "it is at some distance; he has not +got there yet." "How knowest thou, old man," cried the Khazee, "where +that tree is?" The young man returned and said the tree would not come. +"He has been here, young man, and given his evidence--the money is +thine." + + + + +BAD LIGHTS. + + +AN Irish gentleman, in company, observing that the lights were so dim as +only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, "Here, waiter, +let me have a couple of dacent candles, that I may see how those others +burn." + + + + +PAIR OF SPECTACLES. + + +TWO brothers having been sentenced to death, one was executed first. +"See," the other brother said, "what a lamentable spectacle my brother +makes! in a few minutes I shall be turned off; and then you will see a +pair of spectacles." + + + + +SMART GIRL. + + +A COUNTRY girl, riding by a turnpike-road without paying toll, the +gate-keeper hailed her and demanded his fee. On her demanding his +authority, he referred her to his sign, where she read, "A man and +horse, six cents." "Well," says she, "you can demand nothing of me, as +this is but a woman and a mare." + + + + +CROOKED STICK. + + +AS a number of persons were lately relating to each other the various +extraordinary incidents which had fallen within their observation, a +traveler attracted their attention by the following: "As I was passing +through a forest, I heard a rustling noise in the bushes near the road: +and being impelled by curiosity, I was determined to know what it was. +When I arrived at the spot, I found it was occasioned by a large stick +of wood, which was so very crooked that it would not lie still." + + + + +A CLINCHER. + + +GRACE GREENWOOD, in speaking of a certain and too fashionable kind of +parental government, in her lecture at Cleveland, a few evenings since, +told this refreshing little story: A gentleman told his little boy, a +child of four years, to shut the gate. He made the request three times, +and the youngster paid no sort of attention to it. "I have told you +three times, my son, to shut the gate," said the gentleman sorrowfully. +"And I've told you _free_ times," lisped the child, "that I won't do it. +You must be stupid." + + + + +A MISCONCEPTION. + + +A BARBER having a dispute with a parish clerk on a point of grammar, the +latter said it was a downright _barbarism, indeed_. "What!" exclaimed +the other, "do you mean to insult me? _Barberism, indeed!_ I'd have you +to know that a barber can speak as good grammar as a parish clerk any +day in the week." + + + + +SQUIBOB'S ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS. + +FROM PHOENIXIANA. + + +THE following recipe from the writings of Miss Hannah More, may be found +useful to your readers: + +In a climate where the attacks of fleas are a constant source of +annoyance, any method which will alleviate them becomes a _desideratum_. +It is, therefore, with pleasure I make known the following recipe, which +I am assured has been tried with efficacy. + +Boil a quart of tar until it becomes quite thin. Remove the clothing, +and before the tar becomes perfectly cool, with a broad flat brush, +apply a thin, smooth coating to the entire surface of the body and +limbs. While the tar remains soft, the flea becomes entangled in its +tenacious folds, and is rendered perfectly harmless; but it will soon +form a hard, smooth coating, entirely impervious to his bite. Should the +coating crack at the knee or elbow joints, it is merely necessary to +retouch it slightly at those places. The whole coat should be renewed +every three or four weeks. This remedy is sure, and having the advantage +of simplicity and economy, should be generally known. + +So much for Miss More. A still simpler method of preventing the attacks +of these little pests, is one which I have lately discovered myself;--in +theory only--I have not yet put it into practice. On feeling the bite of +the flea, thrust the part bitten immediately into boiling water. The +heat of the water destroys the insect and instantly removes the pain of +the bite. + +You have probably heard of old Parry Dox. I met him here a few days +since, in a sadly seedy condition. He told me that he was still +extravagantly fond of whiskey, though he was constantly "running it +down." I inquired after his wife. "She is dead, poor creature," said he, +"and is probably far better off than ever she was here. She was a +seamstress, and her greatest enjoyment of happiness in this world was +only so, so." + + + + +THE OBSEQUIOUS CARPENTER. + + +A CARPENTER having neglected to make a gibbet ordered, on the ground of +his not having been paid for a former one, was severely rated by the +sheriff. "Fellow," said he, "how dared you neglect making the gibbet +that was ordered for me?" "I humbly beg your pardon," said the +carpenter, "had I known that it was _for your worship_, I should have +left everything else to do it." + + + + +A DOUBLE ENTENDRE. + + +A LADY who strove by the application of washes, paint, &c., to improve +her countenance, had her vanity not a little flattered by a gentleman +saying, "Madam, every time I look at your face I discover some _new +beauty_." + + + + +A REPROOF. + + +A YOUNG fellow in a coffee house venting a parcel of common place abuse +on the clergy, in the presence of Mr. Sterne, and evidently leveled at +him, Laurence introduced a panegyric on his dog, which he observed had +no fault but one, namely, that whenever he saw a parson he fell a +barking at him. "And how long," said the youth, "has he had this trick?" +"Ever since he was a _puppy_." + + + + +A GOOD TURN. + + +"I UNDERSTAND, Jones, that you can turn anything neater than any other +man in town." + +"Yes, Mr. Smith, I said so." + +"Well, Mr. Jones, I don't like to brag, but there is no man on earth +that can turn a thing as well as I can whittle it, Mr. Jones. Jest name +the article that I can't whittle, that you can turn, and I'll give you a +dollar if I don't do it to the satisfaction of those gentlemen present." + +"Well, Mr. Smith, suppose we take two grindstones, just for a trial, you +may whittle and I'll turn." + + + + +A DISTINCTION. + + +SHUTER, one day meeting a friend with his coat patched at the elbow, +observed, he should be ashamed of it. "How so?" said the other, "it is +not the first time I have seen you _out at the elbows_." "Very true," +replied Ned, "I should think nothing of exhibiting twenty holes; a hole +is the _accident of the day_; but a patch is _premeditated poverty_." + + + + +CONSOLATION. + + +IN a party of young fellows, the conversation turned on their learning +and education, and one of the company having delivered his thoughts on +the subject very respectably, his neighbor, neither extremely wise nor +witty, said, "Well, Jack, you are certainly not the greatest fool +living." "No," answered he, "nor shall I be while you live." + + + + +RESULT OF KISSING THE BUTCHER. + + +"MY DEAR," said an affectionate wife, "what shall we have for dinner +to-day?" + +"One of your smiles," replied the husband. "I can dine on that every +day." + +"But I can't," replied the wife. + +"Then take this," and he gave her a kiss and went to his business. + +He returned to dinner. + +"This is excellent steak," said he, "what did you pay for it?" + +"Why, what you gave me this morning, to be sure," replied the wife. + +"You did!" exclaimed he; "then you shall have the money next time you go +to market." + + + + +NOT YOU BUT I. + + +A TRADESMAN pressing one of his customers for payment of a bill, the +latter said, "You need not be in such a hurry; I am not going to run +away." "But," says the creditor, "_I am._" + + + + +MY BROTHER'S HUNTING-LODGE. + +FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES. + + +I MET with a ludicrous instance of the dissipation of even latter days, +a few months after my marriage. Lady B---- and myself took a tour +through some of the southern parts of Ireland, and among other places +visited Castle Durrow, near which place my brother, Henry French +Barrington, had built a hunting-cottage, wherein he happened to have +given a house-warming the previous day. + +The company, as might be expected at such a place and on such an +occasion, was not the most select; in fact, they were "_hard-going_" +sportsmen. + +Among the rest, Mr. Joseph Kelly, of unfortunate fate, brother to Mr. +Michael Kelly (who by-the-by does not say a word about him in his +Reminiscences), had been invited, to add to the merriment by his +pleasantry and voice, and had come down from Dublin for the purpose. + +Of this convivial assemblage at my brother's, he was, I suppose, the +very life and soul. The dining-room had not been finished when the day +of the dinner-party arrived, and the lower parts of the walls having +only that morning received their last coat of plaster, were, of course, +totally wet. + +We had intended to surprise my brother; but had not calculated on the +scene I was to witness. On driving to the cottage-door I found it open, +while a dozen dogs, of different descriptions, showed ready to receive +us not in the most polite manner. My servant's whip, however, soon sent +them about their business, and I ventured into the parlor to see what +cheer. It was about ten in the morning: the room was strewed with empty +bottles--some broken--some interspersed with glasses, plates, dishes, +knives, spoons, &c., all in glorious confusion. Here and there were +heaps of bones, relics of the former day's entertainment, which the +dogs, seizing their opportunity, had picked. Three or four of the +Bacchanalians lay fast asleep upon chairs--one or two others on the +floor, among whom a piper lay on his back, apparently dead, with a +table-cloth spread over him, and surrounded by four or five candles, +burnt to the sockets; his chanter and bags were laid scientifically +across his body, his mouth was wide open, and his nose made ample amends +for the silence of his drone. Joe Kelly and a Mr. Peter Alley were fast +asleep in their chairs, close to the wall. + +Had I never viewed such a scene before, it would have almost terrified +me; but it was nothing more than the ordinary custom which we called +_waking the piper_, when he had got too drunk to make any more music. + +I went out, and sent away my carriage and its inmate to Castle Durrow, +whence we had come, and afterward proceeded to seek my brother. No +servant was to be seen, man or woman. I went to the stables, wherein I +found three or four more of the goodly company, who had just been able +to reach their horses, but were seized by Morpheus before they could +mount them, and so lay in the mangers awaiting a more favourable +opportunity. Returning hence to the cottage, I found my brother, also +asleep, on the only bed which it then afforded: he had no occasion to +put on his clothes, since he had never taken them off. + +I next waked Dan Tyron, a wood-ranger of Lord Ashbrook, who had acted as +maitre d'hôtel in making the arrangements, and providing a horse-load +of game to fill up the banquet. I then inspected the parlor, and +insisted on breakfast. Dan Tyron set to work: an old woman was called in +from an adjoining cabin, the windows were opened, the room cleared, the +floor swept, the relics removed, and the fire lighted in the kitchen. +The piper was taken away senseless, but my brother would not suffer +either Joe or Alley to be disturbed till breakfast was ready. No time +was lost; and, after a very brief interval, we had before us abundance +of fine eggs, and milk fresh from the cow, with brandy, sugar, and +nutmeg, in plenty; a large loaf, fresh butter, a cold round of beef, +which had not been produced on the previous day, red herrings, and a +bowl dish of potatoes roasted on the turf ashes; in addition to which, +ale, whiskey, and port, made up the refreshments. All being duly in +order, we at length awakened Joe Kelly, and Peter Alley, his neighbor: +they had slept soundly, though with no other pillow than the wall; and +my brother announced breakfast with a _view holloa_! + +The twain immediately started, and roared in unison with their host most +tremendously! It was, however, in a very different tone from the _view +holloa_, and perpetuated much longer. + +"Come, boys," says French, giving Joe a pull, "come!" + +"Oh, murder!" says Joe, "I can't!"--"Murder!--murder!" echoed Peter. +French pulled them again, upon which they roared the more, still +retaining their places. I have in my lifetime laughed till I nearly +became spasmodic; but never were my risible muscles put to greater +tension than upon this occasion. The wall, as I said before, had only +that day received a coat of mortar, and of course was quite soft and +yielding, when Joe and Peter thought proper to make it their pillow; it +was, nevertheless, setting fast, from the heat and lights of an eighteen +hours' carousal; and, in the morning, when my brother awakened his +guests, the mortar had completely set and their hair being the thing +most calculated to amalgamate therewith, the entire of Joe's stock, +together with his _queue_, and half his head, was thoroughly and +irrecoverably bedded in the greedy and now marble cement, so that, if +determined to move, he must have taken the wall along with him, for +separate it would not. One side of Peter's head was in the same state of +imprisonment. Nobody was able to assist them, and there they both stuck +fast. + +A consultation was now held on this pitiful case, which I maliciously +endeavored to prolong as much as I could, and which was, in fact, every +now and then interrupted by a roar from Peter or Joe, as they made fresh +efforts to rise. At length, it was proposed by Dan Tyron to send for the +stone cutter, and get him to cut them out of the wall with a chisel. I +was literally unable to speak two sentences for laughing. The old woman +meanwhile tried to soften the obdurate wall with melted butter and new +milk--but in vain. I related the school story how Hannibal had worked +through the Alps with hot vinegar and hot irons: this experiment +likewise was made, but Hannibal's solvent had no better success than the +old crone's. + +Peter Alley, being of a more passionate nature, grew ultimately quite +outrageous: he roared, gnashed his teeth, and swore vengeance against +the mason; but as he was only held by one side, a thought at last struck +him: he asked for two knives, which being brought, he whetted one +against the other, and introducing the blades close to his skull, sawed +away at cross corners till he was liberated, with the loss only of half +his hair and a piece of his scalp, which he had sliced off in zeal and +haste for his liberty. I never saw a fellow so extravagantly happy! Fur +was scraped from the crown of a hat, to stop the bleeding; his head was +duly tied up with the old woman's _praskeen_; and he was soon in a state +of bodily convalescence. Our solicitude was now required solely for Joe, +whose head was too deeply buried to be exhumed with so much facility. At +this moment, Bob Casey, of Ballynakill, a very celebrated wig-maker, +just dropped in, to see what he could pick up honestly in the way of his +profession, or steal in the way of anything else; and he immediately +undertook to get Mr. Kelly out of the mortar by a very expert but +tedious process, namely clipping with his scissors, and then rooting out +with an oyster-knife. He thus finally succeeded, in less than an hour, +in setting Joe once more at liberty, at the price of his queue, which +was totally lost, and of the exposure of his raw and bleeding occiput. +The operation was, indeed, of a mongrel description--somewhat between a +complete tonsure and an imperfect scalping, to both of which +denominations it certainly presented claims. However, it is an ill wind +that blows nobody good! Bob Casey got the making of a skull-piece for +Joe, and my brother French had the pleasure of paying for it, as +gentlemen in those days honored any order given by a guest to the family +shopkeeper or artisan. + + + + +A PARTNERSHIP. + + +AFTER divine service at Worcester cathedral, where a remarkably fine +anthem had been performed, the organ-blower observed to the organist, "I +think we have performed mighty well to-day." "_We_ performed!" answered +the organist, "if I am not mistaken it was _I_ that performed." Next +Sunday, in the midst of a voluntary, the organ stopped all at once. The +organist, enraged, cried out, "Why don't you blow?" The fellow, popping +out his head, said, "Shall it be _we_ then?" + + + + +A WIT FOR LADIES. + + +A LADY of vivacity was by a waggish friend proposed to be made +acquainted with a gentleman of infinite wit, an offer she gladly +accepted. After the interview, her friend asked how she liked him. She +said, "Delightfully! I have hardly ever found a person so agreeable." +The damsel, uninterrupted in her own loquacity, had not discovered that +this witty gentleman was----_dumb_! + + + + +A BRAGGADOCIO REPROVED. + + +AN officer relating his feats to the Marshal de Bessompiere, said, that +in a sea-fight he had killed 300 men with his own hand: "And I," said +the Marshal, "descended through a chimney in Switzerland to visit a +pretty girl." "How could that be," said the captain, "since there are no +chimneys in that country?" "What, Sir!" said the Marshal, "I have +allowed you to kill 300 men in a fight, and surely you may permit me to +descend a chimney in Switzerland." + + + + +MRS. MUNCHAUSEN. + + +A TRAVELED London lady gives the following incident, among others, to a +circle of admiring friends, on her return from America: "I was a dinin' +haboard a first-class steamboat on the Hoeigho river. The gentleman next +me, on my right, was a Southerner, and the gentleman on my left was a +Northerner. Well, they gets into a kind of discussion on the habbolition +question, when some 'igh words hariz. 'Please to retract, Sir,' said the +Southerner. 'Won't do it,' said the Northerner. 'Pray, ma'am,' said the +Southerner, 'will you 'ave the goodness to lean back in your chair?' +'With the greatest pleasure,' said I, not knowin' what was a comin'. +When what does my gentleman do but whips out an 'oss pistil as long as +my harm, and shoots my left 'and neighbor dead! But that wasn't hall! +for the bullet, comin' out of the left temple, wounded a lady in the +side. She huttered an 'orrifick scream. 'Pon my word, ma'am,' said the +Southerner, 'you needn't make so much noise about it, for I did it by a +mistake.'" "And was justice done the murderer?" asked a horrified +listener. "Hinstantly, dear madam," answered Miss L----. "The cabin +passengers set right to work, and lynched him. They 'ung 'im in the lamp +chains right hover the dinin' table, and then finished the dessert. But +for my part, it quite spoiled my happetite." + + + + +OLD BABES. + + +A HIBERNIAN, seeing an old man and woman in the stocks, said that they +put him in mind of "the babes in the wood." + + + + +A SELL. + + +THE river _Monitor_ tells the following story: + +A countryman (farmer) went into a store in Boston, the other day, and +told the keeper that a neighbor of his had entrusted him some money to +expend to the best advantage, and he meant to do it where he would be +the best treated. He had been used very ill by the traders in Boston, +and he would not part with his neighbor's money until he had found a man +who would treat him about right. With the utmost suavity the trader +says: + +"I think I can treat you to your liking; how do you want to be treated?" + +"Well," said the farmer, with a leer in his eye, "in the first place, I +want a glass of toddy," which was forthcoming. "Now I will have a nice +cigar," says the countryman. It was promptly handed him, leisurely +lighted, and then throwing himself back with his feet as high as his +head, he commenced puffing away like a Spaniard. + +"Now what do you want to purchase?" says the store-keeper. + +"My neighbor," said the countryman, "handed me two cents when I left +home, to buy a plug of tobacco--have you got that article?" + +The store-keeper sloped instanter. + + + + +A SELL. + + +A WITTY knave bargained with a seller of lace in London for as much as +would reach from one of his ears to the other. When they had agreed, it +appeared that one of his ears was nailed at the pillory in Bristol. + + + + +PRACTICAL JOKING. + + +A FEW days since, writes an attorney, as I was sitting with Brother +D----, in his office, Court Square, a client came in, and said-- + +"Squire D----, W----, the stabler, shaved me dreadfully, yesterday, and +I want to come up with him." + +"State your case," says D----. + +"I asked him," said Client, "how much he would charge me for a horse and +wagon to go to Dedham. He said one dollar and a half. I took the team, +and when I came back, I paid him one dollar and a half, and he said he +wanted another dollar and a half for coming back, and made me pay it." + +D---- gave him some legal advice, which the client immediately acted +upon as follows: + +He went to the stabler and said-- + +"How much will you charge me for a horse and wagon to go to Salem?" + +Stabler replied--"Five dollars." + +"Harness him up!" + +Client went to Salem, came back by railroad, and went to the stabler, +saying-- + +"Here is your money," paying him five dollars. + +"Where is my horse and wagon?" says W. + +"He is at Salem," says Client; "I only hired him to go to Salem." + + + + +SOLITUDE. + + +"YOU are always yawning," said a woman to her husband. "My dear friend," +replied he, "the husband and wife are _one_; and when I am _alone_, I +grow weary." + + + + +SPEAKING OUT IN DREAMS. + + +A CORRESPONDENT of the _Richmond Dispatch_ tells the following in a +letter from one of the Springs: + +An amusing incident occurred in the cars of the Virginia and Tennessee +road, which must be preserved in print. It is too good to be lost. As +the train entered the Big Tunnel, near this place, in accordance with +the usual custom _a lamp_ was lit. A servant girl, accompanying her +mistress, had sunk in a profound slumber, but just as the lamp was lit +she awoke, and half asleep imagined herself in the infernal regions. +Frantic with fright, she implored her Maker to have mercy on her, +remarking at the same time, "The devil has got me at last." Her +mistress, sitting on the seat in front of the terrified negress, was +deeply mortified, and called upon her--"Molly, don't make such a noise; +it is I, be not afraid." The poor African immediately exclaimed, "Oh, +missus, dat you? Jest what I 'spected; I always thought if eber I got to +de bad place, I would see you dar." These remarks were uttered with such +vehemence, that not a word was lost, and the whole coach became +convulsed with laughter. + + + + +GOODBYE. + + +A MINIKIN three-and-a-half-feet Colonel, being one day at the drill, was +examining a strapper of six feet four. "Come, fellow, hold up your head; +higher, fellow!" "Yes, Sir." "Higher, fellow--higher." " What--so, Sir?" +"Yes, fellow." "And am I always to remain so?" "Yes, fellow, certainly." +"Why then, good bye. Colonel, for I never shall see you again." + + + + +MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT.--DEATH OF A YOUNG MAN. + +FROM PHOENIXIANA. + + +MR. MUDGE has just arrived in San Diego from Arkansas; he brings with +him four yoke of oxen, seventeen American cows, nine American children, +and Mrs. Mudge. They have encamped in the rear of our office, pending +the arrival of the next coasting steamer. + +Mr. Mudge is about thirty-seven years of age, his hair is light, not a +"sable silvered," but a _yaller_ gilded; you can see some of it sticking +out of the top of his hat; his costume is the national costume of +Arkansas, coat, waistcoat, and pantaloons of homespun cloth, dyed a +brownish yellow, with a decoction of the bitter barked butternut--a +pleasing alliteration; his countenance presents a determined, combined +with a sanctimonious expression, and in his brightly gleaming eye--a red +eye we think it is--we fancy a spark of poetic fervor may be +distinguished. + +Mr. Mudge called on us yesterday. We were eating watermelon. Perhaps the +reader may have eaten watermelon, if so, he knows how difficult a thing +it is to speak, when the mouth is filled with the luscious fruit, and +the slippery seed and sweet though embarrassing juice is squizzling out +all over the chin and shirt-bosom. So at first we said nothing, but +waved with our case knife toward an unoccupied box, as who should say +sit down. Mr. Mudge accordingly seated himself, and removing his hat +(whereat all his hair sprang up straight like a Jack in a box), turned +that article of dress over and over in his hands, and contemplated its +condition with alarming seriousness. + +"Take some melon, Mr. Mudge," said we, as with a sudden bolt we +recovered our speech and took another slice ourself. "No, I thank you," +replied Mr. Mudge, "I wouldn't choose any, now." + +There was a solemnity in Mr. Mudge's manner that arrested our attention; +we paused, and holding a large slice of watermelon dripping in the air, +listened to what he might have to say. + +"Thar was a very serious accident happened to us," said Mr. Mudge, "as +we wos crossin' the plains. 'Twas on the bank of the Peacus river. Thar +was a young man named Jeames Hambrick along and another young feller, he +got to fooling with his pistil, and he shot Jeames. He was a good young +man and hadn't a enemy in the company; we buried him thar on the Peacus +river, we did, and as we went off, these here lines sorter passed +through my mind." So saying, Mr. Mudge rose, drew from his pocket--his +waistcoat pocket--a crumpled piece of paper, and handed it over. Then he +drew from his coat-tail pocket, a large cotton handkerchief, with a red +ground and yellow figure, slowly unfolded it, blew his nose--an awful +blast it was--wiped his eyes, and disappeared. We publish Mr. Mudge's +lines, with the remark, that any one who says they have no poets or +poetry in Arkansas, would doubt the existence of William Shakspeare: + + DIRGE ON THE DEATH OF JEAMES HAMBRICK. + + BY MR ORION W. MUDGE, ESQ. + + it was on June the tenth + our hearts were very sad + for it was by an awful accident + we lost a fine young lad + Jeames Hambric was his name + and alas it was his lot + to you I tell the same + he was accidently shot + + on the peacus river side + the sun was very hot + and its there he fell and died + where he was accidently shot + + on the road his character good + without a stain or blot + and in our opinions growed + until he was accidently shot + + a few words only he spoke + for moments he had not + and only then he seemed to choke + I was accidently shot + + we wrapped him in a blanket good + for coffin we had not + and then we buried him where he stood + when he was accidently shot + + and as we stood around his grave + our tears the ground did blot + we prayed to god his soul to save + he was accidently shot + +This is all, but I writ at the time a epitaff which I think is short and +would do to go over his grave:-- + + EPITAFF. + + here lies the body of Jeames Hambrick + who was accidently shot + on the bank of the peacus river + by a young man + +he was accidently shot with one of the large size colt's revolver with +no stopper for the cock to rest on it was one of the old fashion kind +brass mounted and of such is the kingdom of heaven. + +truly yourn, + +ORION W MUDGE ESQ + + + + +CASUISTICAL ARITHMETIC. + + +A BRACE of partridges being brought in to supper for three gentlemen; +"Come, Tom," said one of them, "you are fresh from the schools, let us +see how learnedly you can divide these two birds among us three." "With +all my heart;" answered Tom, "there is one for _you two_ and here is one +for _me too_." + + + + +JOHNSONIAN ADVICE. + + +MRS. B. desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had +just written; adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell +her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not being +likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the +Doctor, after having turned over a few leaves, "_I advise you, Madam, to +put it where your other irons are._" + + + + +BLUNDERS OF SIR BOYLE ROCHE. + +FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES. + + +THE Baronet had certainly one great advantage over all other bull and +blunder makers: he seldom launched a blunder from which some fine +aphorism or maxim might not be easily extracted. When a debate arose in +the Irish house of commons on the vote of a grant which was recommended +by Sir John Parnel, chancellor of the exchequer, as one not likely to be +felt burdensome for many years to come--it was observed in reply, that +the house had no just right to load posterity with a weighty debt for +what could in no degree operate to their advantage. Sir Boyle, eager to +defend the measures of government, immediately rose, and in a very few +words, put forward the most unanswerable argument which human ingenuity +could possibly devise. "What, Mr. Speaker!" said he, "and so we are to +beggar ourselves for fear of vexing posterity! Now, I would ask the +honorable gentleman, and this _still more_ honorable house, why we +should put ourselves out of our way for _posterity_: for what has +_posterity_ done for _us_?" + +Sir Boyle, hearing the roar of laughter which of course followed this +sensible blunder, but not being conscious that he had said anything out +of the way, was rather puzzled, and conceived that the house had +misunderstood him. He therefore begged leave to explain, as he +apprehended that gentlemen had entirely mistaken his words: he assured +the house that "by _posterity_, he did not at all mean our _ancestors_, +but those who were to come _immediately_ after _them_." Upon hearing +this _explanation_, it was impossible to do any serious business for +half an hour. + +Sir Boyle Roche was induced by government to fight as hard as possible +for the union: so he did, and I really believe fancied, by degrees, that +he was right. On one occasion, a general titter arose at his florid +picture of the happiness which must proceed from this event. +"Gentlemen," said Sir Boyle, "may titther, and titther, and titther, and +may think it a bad measure; but their heads at present are hot, and will +so remain till they grow cool again; and so they can't decide right now; +but when the _day of judgment_ comes, _then_ honorable gentlemen will be +satisfied at this most excellent union. Sir, there is no Levitical +degrees between nations, and on this occasion I can see neither sin nor +shame in _marrying our own sister_." + +He was a determined enemy to the French revolution, and seldom rose in +the house for several years without volunteering some abuse of it. "Mr. +Speaker," said he, in a mood of this kind, "if we once permitted the +villanous French masons to meddle with the buttresses and walls of our +ancient constitution, they would never stop, nor stay, Sir, till they +brought the foundation-stones tumbling down about the ears of the +nation! There," continued Sir Boyle, placing his hand earnestly on his +heart, his powdered head shaking in unison with his loyal zeal, while he +described the probable consequences of an invasion of Ireland by the +French republicans; "There Mr. Speaker! if those Gallican villains +should invade us, Sir, 'tis on _that very table_, may-be, these +honorable members might see their own destinies lying in heaps a-top of +one another!' Here perhaps, Sir, the murderous _Marshallaw-men_ +(Marseillois) would break in, cut us to mince-meat, and throw our +bleeding heads upon that table, to stare us in the face!" + +Sir Boyle, on another occasion, was arguing for the habeas corpus +suspension bill in Ireland: "It would surely be better, Mr. Speaker," +said he, "to give up not only a _part_, but, if necessary, even the +_whole_, of our constitution, to preserve _the remainder_!" + + + + +A PLACEMAN. + + +"I CANNOT conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how you manage; my +estate is better than yours, yet you live better than I do." + +"My lord, I have a place." + +"A place! I never heard of it; what place?" + +"I am _my own steward_." + + + + +LET US START FAIR. + + +MANY years ago, while a clergyman on the coast of Cornwall was in the +midst of his sermon, the alarm was given, _A wreck! a wreck!_ The +congregation, eager for their prey, were immediately making off, when +the parson solemnly entreated them to hear only five words more. This +arrested their attention until the preacher, throwing off his +canonicals, descended from the pulpit, exclaiming, "Now, let's all start +fair!" + + + + +DEGREES OF COMPARISON. + + +AN Irishman meeting his friend, said, "I've just met our old +acquaintance Patrick, and he's grown so thin, I could hardly know him. +You are thin, and I am thin; but he is _thinner than both of us put +together_." + + + + +A MISUNDERSTANDING. + + +A POOR curate for his Sunday dinner sent his servant to a chandler's +shop, kept by one Paul, for bacon and eggs on credit. This being +refused, the damsel, as she had nothing to cook, thought she might as +well go to church, and entered as her master, in the midst of his +discourse, referring to the apostle, repeated, "What says Paul?" The +good woman, supposing the question addressed to her, answered, "Paul +says, Sir, that he'll give you no more trust till you pay your old +score." + + + + +A STORY TELLER. + + +A PERSON of this description, seated with his pot companions, was in the +midst of one of his best stories, when he was suddenly called away to go +on board of a vessel, in which he was to sail for Jamaica. Returning in +about a twelvemonth, he resumed his old seat, among his cronies. "Well, +gentlemen," proceeded he, "as I was saying----" + + + + +A RETORT. + + +AN Irish Peer, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting a +celebrated barrister, the latter asked, "When do you mean to put your +_whiskers_ on the _peace establishment_?" His lordship answered, "When +you put your _tongue_ on the _civil list_." + + + + +A LOUD LETTER. + + +"WHAT are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my +grandmother's dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her." + + + + +GO THE WHOLE. + + +A PEASANT, being at confession, accused himself of having stolen some +hay. The father-confessor asked him how many bundles he had taken from +the stack: "That is of no consequence," replied the peasant; "you may +set it down a wagon-load; for my wife and I are going to fetch the +remainder soon." + + + + +SHARP BOY. + + +A MAN driving a number of cattle to Boston, one of his cows went into a +barn-yard, where there stood a young lad. The drover calls to the boy, +"Stop that cow, my lad, stop that cow." "I am no constable, Sir." "Turn +her out then." "She is right side out now, Sir." "Well, speak to her +then." The boy took off his hat, and very handsomely addressed the cow, +with "Your servant, madam." The drover rode into the yard, and drove the +cow out himself. + + + + +HIGH FAMILY. + + +A PERSON was boasting that he was sprung from a high family in Ireland. +"Yes," said a bystander, "I have seen some of the same family so high +that their feet could not touch the ground." + + + + +SETTLING. + + +"MR. JENKINS, will it suit you to settle that old account of yours?" + +"No, Sir, you are mistaken in the man, I am not one of the old +_settlers_." + + + + +CAUSE OF REGRET. + + +A LAD, standing by while his father lost a large sum at play, burst into +tears. On being asked the cause, "O Sir," answered he, "I have read that +Alexander wept because his father Philip gained so many conquests that +he would leave him _nothing to gain_; I on the contrary weep for fear +that you will leave me _nothing to lose_." + + + + +THE PROPER PERSON. + + +A GENTLEMAN passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from some +impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did +thus: "I have been abused here, by some of the _rascals_ of this inn, +and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the +_Principal_." + + + + +AN AWKWARD SITUATION. + + +LORD LYTTLETON asked a clergyman the use of his pulpit for a young +divine he had brought down with him. "I really know not," said the +parson, "how to refuse your Lordship; but if the gentleman preach better +than I, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if +he preach worse, he is not fit to preach at all." + + + + +CALL AGAIN TO-MORROW. + + +A HERETIC in medicine being indisposed, his physician happened to call. +Being told that the doctor was below, he said, "Tell him to call another +time; I am unwell, and can't see him now." + + + + +JOKE FROM HARPER'S DRAWER. + + +WHO is not carried back to good old times as he reads this sketch of +Connecticut goin' to meetin' fifty years ago? It is a genuine story +contributed to the Drawer: + +"In the early part of the ministry of Rev. Jehu C----k, who preached +many years in one of the pleasant towns in the western part of +Connecticut, it was the custom of many of the good ladies from the +distant parts of his parish to bring with them food, which they ate at +noon; or as they used to say, 'between the intermission.' Some brought a +hard-boiled egg, some a nut-cake, some a sausage; but one good woman, +who had tried them all, and found them all too dry, brought some pudding +and milk. In order to bring it in a dish from which it would not spill +over on the road, and yet be convenient to eat from, she took a pitcher +with a narrow neck at the top, but spreading at the bottom. Arrived at +the meeting-house, she placed it under the seat. The exercises of the +day soon commenced, and the old lady became wholly rapt in her +devotional feelings. Though no philosopher, she knew by practice--as +many church-goers seem to have learned--that she could receive and +'inwardly digest' the sermon by shutting her eyes, and opening her +mouth, and allowing all her senses to go to sleep. While thus prepared, +and lost to all external impressions, she was suddenly startled by a +rustling and splashing under the seat. She had no time to consider the +cause before she discovered her dog, Put, backing out with the neck of +the pitcher over his head, and the pudding and milk drizzling out. Poor +Put had been fixing his thoughts on material objects alone; and taking +advantage of the quietness of the occasion, had crept under the seat of +his mistress, where he was helping himself to a dinner. His head had +glided easily through the narrow portion of the pitcher; but, when quite +in, it was as securely fixed as an eel in a pot. Unable to extricate +himself, he had no alternative but to be smothered or back out. The old +lady bore the catastrophe in no wise quietly. A thousand terrible +thoughts rushed into her mind; the ludicrous appearance of the dog and +pitcher, the place, the occasion, the spattering of her garments, the +rascally insult of the puppy--but, above all, the loss of her +'Sabber-day' dinner. At the top of her voice she cried, + +"'Get out, Put! get out! Oh, Jehu! I'm speakin' right out in meetin'! +Oh! I'm talkin' all the time!' + +"The scene that followed is not to be described. The frightened old lady +seized her dog and pitcher, and rushed out of meeting; the astonished +preacher paused in the midst of his discourse, while the whole +congregation were startled out of their propriety by the explosion; and +it was some time before order and the sermon were again resumed." + + + + +ARMOND. + + +ARMOND, the great comedian, had a great curiosity to see Louis XIV. in +chapel, and accordingly presented himself one morning during service at +the door. The sentinel refused to admit him. + +"But, friend," said Armond, "you must let me pass; I am his majesty's +barber." + +"Ah, that may be," said the sentinel, "but the king does not shave in +church." + + + + +MRS. PARTINGTON'S VERY LAST. + + +"WHERE did you get so much money, Isaac?" said Mrs. Partington, as he +shook a half handful of copper cents before her, grinning all the while +like a rogue that he is; "have you found the hornicopia or has anybody +given you a request?" She was a little anxious. "I got it from bets," +said he, chucking them into the air, and allowing half of them to +clatter and rattle about the floor with all the importance of dollars. +"Got them from Bets, did you?" replied she; "and who is Bets that she +should give you money?--she must be some low creature, or you would not +speak of her so disrespectably. I hope you will not get led away by any +desolate companions, Isaac, and become an unworthy membrane of society." +How tenderly the iron-bowed spectacles beamed upon him! "I mean bets," +said he, laughing, "that I won on Burlingame." "Dear me!" she exclaimed, +"how could you do so when gaming is such a horrid habit? Why, sometimes +people are arranged at the bar for it." She was really uneasy until he +explained that, in imitation of older ones, he had bet some cents on +Burlingame and had won. + + + + +ADORATION. + + +AT a late court, a man and his wife brought cross actions, each charging +the other with having committed assault and battery. On investigation, +it appeared that the husband had pushed the door against the wife, and +the wife in turn pushed the door against the husband. A gentleman of the +bar remarked that he could see no impropriety in a man and his wife +a-_door_-ing each other. + + + + +NAUGHTY CHARLES LAMB. + + +CHARLES LAMB once, while riding in company with a lady, descried a party +denuded for swimming a little way off. He remarked: "Those girls ought +to go to a more retired place." "They are boys," replied the lady. "You +may be right," rejoined Charlie, "I can't distinguish so accurately as +you, at such a distance." + + + + +TOO GREEN. + + +"SALLIE," said a young man to his red-haired sweetheart, "keep your head +away from me; you will set me on fire." + +"No danger," was the contemptuous answer, "you are too green to burn." + + + + +HIGH COMPANY. + + +A GASCON was vaunting one day, that in his travels he had been caressed +wherever he went, and had seen all the great men throughout Europe. +"Have you seen the Dardanelles?" inquired one of the company. "Parbleu!" +says he; "I most surely have seen them, when I dined with them several +times." + + + + +EMPHASIS. + + +THE force of emphasis is clearly shown in the following brief colloquy, +between two lawyers: + +"Sir," demanded one, indignantly, "do you imagine me to be a scoundrel?" + +"No, Sir," said the other coolly, "I do not _imagine_ you to be one." + + + + +A FORGETFUL MAN. + + +A MAN, endowed with an extraordinary capacity for forgetfulness, was +tried some time ago, at Paris, for vagabondage. He gave his name as +Auguste Lessite, and believed he was born at Bourges. As he had +forgotten his age, the registry of all the births in that city, from +1812 to 1822, was consulted, but only one person of the name of Lessite +had been born there during that time, and that was a girl. + +"Are you sure your name is Lessite?" asked the judge. + +"Well, I thought it was, but maybe it ain't." + +"Are you confident you were born at Bourges?" + +"Well, I always supposed I was, but I shouldn't wonder if it was +somewhere else." + +"Where does your family live at present?" + +"I don't know; I've forgotten." + +"Can you remember ever having seen your father and mother?" + +"I can't recollect to save myself; I sometimes think I have, and then +again I think I haven't." + +"What trade do you follow?" + +"Well, I am either a tailor or a cooper, and for the life of me I can't +tell which: at any rate, I'm either one or the other." + + + + +AN ACUTE HINT. + + +AN Irish footman carrying a basket of game from his master to his +friend, waited some time for the customary fee, but seeing no appearance +of it, he scratched his head, and said, "Sir, if my master should say, +Paddy, what did the gentleman give you?--_what would your honor have me +to tell him?_" + + + + +COCKNEY NARRATIVE. + + +I _laid_ at my friend's house last night, and _just_ as I _laid me down_ +to sleep, I heard a rumbling at the window of my chamber, which was +_just_ over the kitchen, a sort of portico, the top of which was _just_ +even with the floor of my room. Well, I _just_ peeped up, and as the +moon was _just_ rising, I _just_ saw the head of a man; so I _got me up_ +softly, _just_ as I was, in my shirt, _goes_ to where the pistols _laid_ +that I had _just_ loaded, and laid them _just_ within my reach. I hid +myself behind the curtains, _just_ as he was completely in the room. +_Just_ as I was about to lift my hand to shoot him, _thinks I_, would it +be _just_ to kill _this here_ man, without _one_ were sure he came with +an _unjust_ intention? so I _just_ cried out _hem!_ upon which he fell +to the ground, and there he _laid_, and I could _just_ see that he +looked _just_ as if he was dead; so I _just_ asked him what business he +had in _that there_ room? Poor man! he could _just_ speak, and said he +had _just_ come to see Mary! + + + + +SINCERE REGRET. + + +TO a gentleman who was continually lamenting the loss of his first wife +before his second, she one day said, "_Indeed, Sir, no one regrets her +more than I do._" + + + + +HARD CASE. + + +A POLITE young lady recently asserted that she had lived near a +barn-yard, and that it was impossible for her to sleep in the morning, +on account of the outcry made by a "gentleman hen." + + + + +BIG WORDS. + + +THE best hit we have lately seen at the _rather_ American fashion of +employing big crooked words, instead of little straight ones, is in the +following dialogue between a highfalutin lawyer and a plain witness: + +"Did the defendant knock the plaintiff down with _malice prepense_?" + +"No, Sir; he knocked him down with a flat-iron." + +"You misunderstand me, my friend; I want to know whether he attacked him +with any evil intent?" + +"O no, Sir, it was outside of the tent." + +"No, no; I wish you to tell me whether the attack was at all a +preconcerted affair?" + +"No, Sir; it was not a free concert affair--it was at a circus." + + + + +LACONIC AND DECISIVE. + + +A WEALTHY Jew, having made several ineffectual applications for leave to +quit Berlin, at length sent a letter to the king imploring permission to +travel for the benefit of his health, to which he received the following +answer: + +"Dear Ephraim, + +"Nothing but death shall part us. + +"FREDERICK." + + + + +THEATRICAL CRITICISM. + + +WHEN Woodward first played Sir John Brute, Garrick was present. A few +days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in +the part, adding, "I think I struck out some beauties in it." "_I +think,_" said Garrick, "_that you struck out all the beauties in it._" + + + + +A MISTAKE. + + +FREDRICK I. of Prussia, when a new soldier appeared on the parade, was +wont to ask him, "How old are you?--how long have you been in my +service?--have you received your pay and clothing?" A young Frenchman +who had volunteered into the service, being informed by his officer of +the questions which the monarch would ask, took care to have the answers +ready. The king, seeing him in the ranks, unfortunately reversed the +questions: + +Q. How long have you been in my service? + +A. Twenty-one years, and please your majesty. + +Q. How old are you? + +A. One year. + +The king, surprised, said, "Either you or I must be a fool." The +soldier, taking this for the third question, relative to his pay and +clothing, replied, "_Both_, and please your majesty." + + + + +CONSOLATION. + + +AN Irish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded in one of +the late battles in Holland. As he lay on the ground, an unlucky +soldier, who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made a +terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, "What do you make such a +noise for? _Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?_" + + + + +SEVERAL NEGATIVES. + + +"MISTER, I say, I don't suppose you don't know of nobody who don't want +to hire nobody to do nothing, don't you?" "Yes, I don't." + + + + +DIFFERENT LINES. + + +A PERSON arrived from a voyage to the East Indies inquired of a friend +after their mutual acquaintance, and, among the rest, one who had the +misfortune to be hanged during his absence: + +"How is Tom Moody?" + +"He is dead." + +"He was in the grocery line when I left this." + +"He was in quite a different _line_ when he died." + + + + +NEGRO WIT. + + +A JAMAICA PLANTER, with a nose as fiery and rubicund as that of the +_illuminating_ Bardolph, was taking his _siesta_ after dinner, when a +mosquito lighting on his _proboscis_, instantly flew back. "Aha! massa +mosquito," cried Quacco, who was in attendance, "_you burn your foot!_" + + + + +THEATRICAL BON-MOT. + + +IN a very thin house in the country, an actress spoke very low in her +communication with her lover. The actor, whose benefit it happened to +be, exclaimed with a face of woeful humor, "My dear, you may speak out, +there is nobody to hear us." + + + + +CONCISENESS. + + +LOUIS XIV. traveling, met a priest riding post. Ordering him to stop, he +asked hastily, "Whence? whither? for what?" He answered, +"Bruges--Paris--a benefice." "You shall have it." + + + + +ALLIES WILL FALL OUT. + + +A GENTLEMAN having to fight a main in the country, gave charge to his +servant to carry down two cocks. Pat put them together in a bag; on +opening which, at his arrival, he was surprised to find one of them +dead, and the other terribly wounded. Being rebuked by his master for +putting them in the same bag, he said he thought there was no danger of +them hurting each other, as they were going to fight _on the same side_. + + + + +CATCHING A TARTAR. + + +AN Irish soldier called out to his companion: + +"Hollo! Pat, I have taken a prisoner." + +"Bring him along, then; bring him along!" + +"He won't come." + +"Then come yourself." + +"_He won't let me._" + + + + +ANTIGALLICAN. + + +A DOWNRIGHT John Bull going into a coffee-house, briskly ordered a glass +of brandy and water; "But," said he, "bring me none of your cursed +_French stuff_." The waiter said respectfully, "_Genuine British_, Sir, +I assure you." + + + + +IMPRACTICABILITY. + + +A GENTLEMAN in the pit, at the representation of a certain tragedy, +observed to his neighbor, he wondered that it was not hissed: the other +answered, "People can't both yawn and hiss at once." + + + + +A DIALOGUE. + + +THE late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the +violin, the following hits took place: + +_W._ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with this +fiddling. + +_S._ Sir, I endeavor to _keep time_. + +_W._ You mean rather to _kill time_. + +_S._ No, I only _beat time_. + + + + +AN UNLUCKY COMPLIMENT. + + +A FRENCH gentleman congratulated Madame Denis on her performance of the +part of Lara. "To do justice to that part," said she, "the actress +should be young and handsome." "Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter, +"you are a complete proof of the contrary." + + + + +A COMMAND ANTICIPATED. + + +IN the campaign in Holland last war, a party marching through a swamp, +was ordered to form _two deep_. A corporal immediately exclaimed, "I'm +_too deep_ already; I am up to the middle." + + + + +A SMALL MISTAKE. + + +AN uninformed Irishman, hearing the _Sphinx_ alluded to in company, +whispered to his neighbor, "Sphinx! who is that?" "A monster, man." +"Oh!" said our Hibernian, not to seem unacquainted with his family, "_a +Munster-man_! I thought he was from Connaught." + + + + +A HOME TRUTH. + + +WHEN the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the Court of +Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention to +his Prussian Majesty, and to tell him at the same time, "That her +fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at +Berlin." The king replied, "I am sorry we are only intrusted with the +worst part of her Grace's property." + + + + +SHINING WIT. + + +A BUCK having his boots cleaned, threw down the money haughtily to the +Irish shoe-black, who as he was going away said, "By my soul, all the +_polish_ you have is on your boots, and that I gave you." + + + + +A FATAL STEP PREVENTED. + + +A BEGGAR importuned a lady for alms; she gave him a shilling. "God bless +your ladyship!" said he, "this will prevent me from executing my +resolution." The lady, alarmed, and thinking he meditated suicide, asked +what he meant. "Alas, madam!" said he, "but for this shilling I should +have been obliged to go _to work_." + + + + +A COMMON ERROR CORRECTED. + + +A SAILOR being in a company where the shape of the earth was disputed, +said, "Why look ye, gentlemen, they pretend to say the earth is _round_; +now I have been all _round_ it, and I, Jack Oakum, assure you it is _as +flat as a pancake_." + + + + +A YANKEE JUDGE AND A KENTUCKY LAWYER. + + +FEW persons in this part of the country are aware of the difference that +exists between our manners and customs, and those of the people of the +Western States. Their elections, their courts of justice, present scenes +that would strike one with astonishment and alarm. If the jurors are +not, as has been asserted, run down with dogs and guns, color is given +to charges like this, by the repeated successful defiances of law and +judges that occur, by the want of dignity and self-respect evinced by +the judges themselves, and by the squabbles and brawls that take place +between members of the bar. There is to be found occasionally there, +however, a judge of decision and firmness, to compel decorum even among +the most turbulent spirits, or at least to punish summarily all +violations of law and propriety. The following circumstances which +occurred in Kentucky were related to us by a gentleman who was an eye +witness of the whole transaction. + +Several years since, Judge R., a native of Connecticut, was holding a +court at Danville. A cause of considerable importance came on, and a Mr. +D., then a lawyer of considerable eminence, and afterwards a member of +Congress, who resided in a distant part of the State, was present to +give it his personal supervision. In the course of Mr. D.'s argument, he +let fall some profane language, for which he was promptly checked and +reprimanded by the Judge. Mr. D., accustomed to unrestrained license of +tongue, retorted with great asperity, and much harshness of language. + +"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge coolly, "put down twenty dollars fine to Mr. +D." + +"By ----," said Mr. D.; "I'll never pay a cent of it under heaven, and +I'll swear as much as I ----please." + +"Put down another fine of twenty dollars, Mr. Clerk." + +"I'll see the devil have your whole generation," rejoined Mr. D., +"before my pockets shall be picked by a cursed Yankee interloper." + +"Another twenty dollar fine, Mr. Clerk." + +"You may put on as many fines as you please, Mr. Judge, but by ---- +there's a difference between imposing and collecting, I reckon." + +"Twenty dollars more, Mr. Clerk." + +"Ha, ha!" laughed Mr. D. with some bitterness, "you are trifling with +me, I see, Sir; but I can tell you I understand no such joking; and by +----, Sir, you will do well to make an end of it." + +"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge with great composure, "add twenty dollars +more to the fine, and hand the account to the Sheriff. Mr. D., the money +must be paid immediately, or I shall commit you to prison." + +The violence of the lawyer compelled the Judge to add another fine; and +before night, the obstreperous barrister was swearing with all his might +to the bare walls of the county jail. The session of the court was +terminated, and the lawyer, seeing no prospect of escape through the +mercy of the Judge, after a fortnight's residence in prison, paid his +fine of a hundred and twenty dollars, and was released. + +He now breathed nothing but vengeance. + +"I'll teach the Yankee scoundrel," said he, "that a member of the +Kentucky bar is not to be treated in this manner with impunity." + +The Judge held his next court at Frankfort, and thither Mr. D. repaired +to take revenge for the personal indignity he had suffered. Judge R. is +as remarkable for resolute fearlessness as for talents, firmness, and +integrity; and after having provided himself with defensive weapons, +entered upon the discharge of his duties with the most philosophic +indifference. On passing from his hotel to the court-house, the Judge +noticed that a man of great size, and evidently of tremendous muscular +strength, followed him so closely as to allow no one to step between. He +observed also that Mr. D., supported by three or four friends, followed +hard upon the heels of the stranger, and on entering the court room, +posted himself as near the seat of the Judge as possible--the stranger +meantime taking care to interpose his huge body between the lawyer and +the Judge. For two or three days, matters went on this way; the stranger +sticking like a burr to the Judge, and the lawyer and his assistants +keeping as near as possible, but refraining from violence. At length, +the curiosity of Judge R. to learn something respecting the purposes of +the modern Hercules became irrepressible, and he invited him to his +room, and inquired who he was, and what object he had in view in +watching his movements thus pertinaciously. + +"Why, you see," said the stranger, ejecting a quid of tobacco that might +have freighted a small skiff, "I'm a ringtailed roarer from Big Sandy +River; I can outrun, outjump, and outfight any man in Kentucky. They +telled me in Danville, that this 'ere lawyer was comin down to give you +a lickin. Now I hadn't nothin agin that, only he wan't a goin to give +you fair play, so I came here to see you out, and now if you'll only say +the word, we can flog him and his mates, in the twinkling of a quart +pot." + +Mr. D. soon learned the feeling in which the champion regarded him, and +withdrew without attempting to execute his threats of vengeance upon the +Judge. + + + + +JUDGE PETERS. + + +ON his entrance into Philadelphia, General Lafayette was accompanied in +the barouche by the venerable Judge Peters. The dust was somewhat +troublesome, and from his advanced age, &c., the General felt and +expressed some solicitude lest his companion should experience +inconvenience from it. To which he replied: General you do not recollect +that I am a JUDGE--I do not regard the DUST, I am accustomed to it. The +lawyers throw dust in my eyes almost every day in the court-house." + + + + +WITTY APOLOGY. + + +A PHYSICIAN calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely +afflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and +the patient rejoicing in his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Come +along, doctor," exclaimed the valetudinarian, "you are just in time to +taste this bottle of Madeira; it is the first of a pipe that has just +been broached." "Ah!" replied the doctor, "these pipes of Madeira will +never do; they are the cause of all your suffering." "Well, then," +rejoined the gay incurable, "fill up your glass, for now that we have +found out the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better." + + + + +BENEVOLENCE. + + +"TAKE a ticket, Sir, for the Widow and Orphans Fund of the Spike +Society?" "Well, y-e-a-s!--don't care much though for the orphans, but +_I goes in strong for the widows_!" + + + + +MRS. PARTINGTON ON EDUCATION. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON, after listening to the reading of an advertisement for +a young ladies' boarding school, said: + +"For my part, I can't deceive what on airth eddication is coming to. +When I was young, if a girl only understood the rules of distraction, +provision, multiplying, replenishing, and the common dominator, and knew +all about the rivers and their obituaries, the covenants and domitories, +the provinces and the umpires, they had eddication enough. But now they +are to study bottomy, algierbay, and have to demonstrate supposition of +sycophants of circuses, tangents and Diogenes and parallelogramy, to say +nothing about the oxhides, corostics, and abstruse triangles!" Thus +saying, the old lady leaned back in her chair, her knitting work fell in +her lap, and for some minutes she seemed in meditation. + + + + +OBEYING ORDERS. + + +A CERTAIN General of the United States Army, supposing his favorite +horse dead, ordered an Irishman to go and skin him. + +"What! is Silver Tail dead?" asked Pat. + +"What is that to you?" said the officer, "do as I bid you, and ask me no +questions." + +Pat went about his business, and in about two hours returned. + +"Well, Pat, where have you been all this time?" asked the general. + +"Skinning your horse, your honor." + +"Did it take you two hours to perform the operation?" + +"No, your honor, but then you see it took me about half an hour to catch +the horse." + +"Catch him! Fires and furies--was he alive?" + +"Yes, your honor, and I could not skin him alive, you know." + +"Skin him alive! did you kill him?" + +"To be sure I did, your honor--and sure you know I must obey orders +without asking questions." + + + + +A REASON. + + +AS a nobleman was receiving from Louis XIII. the investiture of an +Ecclesiastical Order, and was saying, as is usual on that occasion, +_Domine, non sum dignus._--"Lord, I am not worthy." "I know that well +enough," replied the king, "but I could not resist the importunity of my +cousin Cardinal Richelieu, who pressed me to give it you." + + + + +CANVASSING. + + +AT an election, a candidate solicited a vote. + +"I would rather vote for the devil than you," was the reply. + +"But in case your friend is not a candidate," said the solicitor, "might +I then count on your assistance?" + + + + +WIT OF AN IRISH JARVEY. + + +AN anecdote, illustrative of the wit of Irish "jarveys," is going the +rounds in Dublin. Mr. ---- is a man of aldermanic proportions. He +chartered an outside car, t'other day, at Island Bridge Barrack, and +drove to the post-office. On arriving he tendered the driver sixpence, +which was strictly the fare, though but scant remuneration for the +distance. The jarvey saw at a glance the small coin, but in place of +taking the money which Mr. ----held in his hands, he busied himself +putting up the steps of the vehicle, and then, going to the well at the +back of the car, took thence a piece of carpeting, from which he shook +ostentatiously the dust, and straightway covered his horse's head with +it. After doing so he took the "fare" from the passenger, who, surprised +at the deliberation with which the jarvey had gone through the whole of +these proceedings, inquired, "Why did you cover the horse's head?" To +which the jarvey, with a humorous twinkle of his eye, and to the +infinite amusement of approving bystanders, replied, "Why did I cover +the horse's head? Is that what you want to know? Well, because I didn't +want to let the dacent baste see that he carried so big a load so far +for sixpence?" It should be added, in justice to the worthy citizen, +that a half crown immediately rewarded the witty jarvey for his ready +joke. + + + + +A CONSEQUENCE. + + +A GENTLEMAN complained that his apothecary had so stuffed him with +drugs, that he was _sick_ for a fortnight after he was _quite well_. + + + + +A SEA CHAPLAIN. + + +THE captain of a man of war lost his chaplain. The first lieutenant, a +Scotchman, announced his death to his lordship, adding he was sorry to +inform him that the chaplain died a Roman Catholic. "Well, so much the +better," said his lordship. "Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of a +_British clergyman_?" "_Why, because I believe I am the first captain +that ever could boast of a chaplain who had any religion at all._" + + + + +THE MODEST BARRISTER. + + +A COUNSEL, examining a very young lady, who was a witness in a case of +assault, asked her, if the person who was assaulted did not give the +defendant very ill language, and utter words so bad that he, the learned +counsel, had not _impudence_ enough to repeat? She replied in the +affirmative. "Will you, Madam, be kind enough," said he, "to tell the +Court what these words were?" "Why, Sir," replied she, "if _you_ have +not _impudence_ enough to speak them, how can you suppose that _I_ +have?" + + + + +A DISTINCTION. + + +A LADY came up one day to the keeper of the light-house near Plymouth, +which is a great curiosity. "I want to see the light-house," said the +lady. "It cannot be complied with," was the reply. "Do you know who I +am, Sir?" "No, Madam." "I am the Captain's _lady_." "_If you were his +wife, Madam, you could not see it without his order!_" + + + + +CONSEQUENCE. + + +A PRAGMATICAL fellow, who travelled for a mercantile house in town, +entering an inn at Bristol, considered the traveling room beneath his +dignity, and required to be shown to a private apartment; while he was +taking refreshment, the good hostess and her maid were elsewhere +discussing the point, as to what class their customer belonged. At +length the bill was called for, and the charges declared to be enormous. +"Sixpence for an egg! I never paid such a price since I traveled for the +house!" "There!" exclaimed the girl, "I told my mistress I was sure, +Sir, that you was no gentleman." + +Another gentleman going into a tavern on the Strand, called for a glass +of brandy and water, with an air of great consequence, and after +drinking it off, inquired what was to pay? "Fifteen pence, Sir," said +the waiter. "Fifteen pence! fellow, why that is downright imposition: +call your master." The master appeared, and the guest was remonstrating, +when "mine host" stopped him short, by saying, "Sir, fifteen pence is +the price we charge to gentlemen; if any persons not entitled to that +character trouble us, we take what they can afford, and are glad to get +rid of them." + + + + +PROOF OF CIVILIZATION. + + +A PERSON who had resided some time on the coast of Africa, was asked if +he thought it possible to civilize the natives? "As a proof of the +possibility of it," said he, "I have known negroes who thought as little +of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European whatever." + + + + +MAN AND BEAST. + + +"I AND Disraeli put up at the same tavern last night," said a dandified +snob, the other day. "It must have been a house of accommodation then +for man and beast," replied a bystander. + + + + +SATISFACTORY PROOF. + + +A NOBLE, but not a learned lord, having been suspected to be the author +of a very severe but well written pamphlet against a gentleman high in +office, he sent him a challenge. His lordship professed his innocence, +assuring the gentleman that he was not the author; but the other would +not be satisfied without a denial under his hand. My lord therefore took +the pen and began, "_This is to scratify, that the buk called the ----_" +"Oh, my lord!" said the gentleman, "I am perfectly satisfied that your +lordship did not write the book." + + + + +LANGUAGES CHARACTERIZED. + + +CHARLES V., speaking of the different languages of Europe, thus +described them: "The _French_ is the best language to speak to one's +friend--the _Italian_ to one's mistress--the _English_ to the +people--the _Spanish_ to God--and the _German_ to a horse." + + + + +CON. OF THE SILVER FORK SCHOOL. + + +WHY is a man eating soup with a fork like another kissing his +sweetheart? Do you give it up? + +Because it takes so long to get enough of it. + + + + +DOG-FANCYING; OR INJURED INNOCENCE. + + +BOB PICKERING, short, squat, and squinting, with a yellow "wipe" round +his "squeeze," was put to the bar on violent suspicion of dog-stealing. + +_Mr. Davis_, Silk-mercer, Dover-street, Piccadilly, said:--About an hour +before he entered the office, while sitting in his parlor, he heard a +loud barking noise, which he was convinced was made by a favorite little +dog, his property. He went out, and in the passage caught the prisoner +in the act of conveying it into the street in his arms. + +_Mr. Dyer:_ What have you to say? You are charged with attempting to +steal the dog. + +_Prisoner:_ (_affecting a look of astonishment_)--Vot, me _steal_ a dog? +Vy, I'm ready and villing to take my solomon hoth 'at I'm hinnocent of +sitch an hadwenture. Here's the _factotal_ of the consarn as I'm a +honest man. I vos a coming along Hoxfud-street, ven I seed this here +poor dumb hanimal a running about vith not nobody arter him, and a +looking jest as if he vas complete lost. Vhile I vos in this here +sittivation, a perfect gentleman comes up to me, and says he, "Vot a +cussed shame," says he, "that 'ere handsome young dog should be vithout +a nateral pertectur! I'm blow'd, young man," says he, "if I vos you if I +vouldn't pick it up and prewent the wehicles from a hurting on it; and," +says he, "I'd adwise you, 'cause you looks so _werry honest_ and so +werry respectable, to take pity on the poor dumb dog and go and buy it a +ha'porth of wittles." Vell, my lord, you see I naterally complied vith +his demand, and vos valking avay vith it for to look for a prime bit of +_bowwow_ grub, ven up comes this here good gentleman, and vants to +swear as how I vos arter _prigging_ on it! + +_Mr. Dyer:_ How do you get your living? + +_Prisoner:_ Vorks along vith my father and mother--and lives vith my +relations wot's perticler respectable. + +_Mr. Dyer:_ Policeman, do you know anything of the prisoner? + +_Policeman:_ The prisoner's three brothers were transported last +session, and his mother and father are now in Clerkenwell. The prisoner +has been a dog-stealer for years. + +_Prisoner:_ Take care vot you say--if you proves your vords, vy my +carrecter vill be hingered, and I'm blowed if you shan't get a "little +vun in" ven I comes out of _quod_. + +_Mr. Dyer:_ What is the worth of the dog? + +_Mr. Davis:_ It is worth five pounds, as it is of a valuable breed. + +_Prisoner:_ There, your vership, you hear it's a waluable dog--now is it +feasible as I should go for to prig a dog wot was a waluable hanimal? + +The magistrate appeared to think such an occurrence not at all unlikely, +as he committed him to prison for three months. + + + + +A SCOTCHMAN'S CONSOLATION. + + +A SCOTCHMAN who put up at an inn, was asked in the morning how he slept. +"Troth, man," replied Donald, "no very weel either, but I was muckle +better aff than the bugs, for deil a ane o' them closed an e'e the hale +nicht." + + + + +THE COALHEAVER AND THE FINE ARTS. + + +A SMALL-MADE MAN, with a carefully cultivated pair of carroty-colored +mustaches, whose style of seedy toggery presented a tolerably good +imitation of a "Polish militaire," came before the commissioners to +establish his legal right to fifteen pence, the price charged for a +whole-length likeness of one _Mister_ Robert White, a member of the +"black and thirsty" fraternity of coalheavers. + +The complainant called himself Signor Johannes Benesontagi, but from all +the genuine characteristics of Cockayne which he carried about him, it +was quite evident he had Germanized his patronymic of John Benson to +suit the present judicious taste of the "pensive public." + +Signor Benesontagi, a peripatetic professor of the "fine arts," it +appeared was accustomed to visit public-houses for the purpose of +caricaturing the countenances of the company, at prices varying from +five to fifteen pence. In pursuit of his vocation he stepped into the +"Vulcan's Head," where a conclave of coalheavers were accustomed nightly +to assemble, with the double view of discussing politics and pots of +Barclay's entire. He announced the nature of his profession, and having +solicited patronage, he was beckoned into the box where the defendant +was sitting, and was offered a shilling for a _full-length_ likeness. +This sum the defendant consented to enlarge to fifteen pence, provided +the artist would agree to draw him in "full fig:"--red velvet +smalls--nankeen gaiters--sky-blue waistcoat--canary wipe--and +full-bottomed fantail. The bargain was struck and the picture finished, +but when presented to the sitter, he swore "he'd see the man's back +_open and shet_ afore he'd pay the wally of a farden piece for sitch a +reg'lar 'snob' as he was made to appear in the portrait." + +The defendant was hereupon required to state why he refused to abide by +the agreement. + +"Vy, my lords and gemmen," said Coaly, "my reasons is this here. That +'ere covey comes into the crib vhere I vos a sitting blowing a cloud +behind a drop of heavy, and axes me if as how I'd have my picter draw'd. +Vell, my lords, being a little 'lumpy,' and thinking sitch a consarn +vould please my Sall, I told him as I'd stand a 'bob,' and be my pot to +his'n, perwising as he'd shove me on a pair of prime welwet breeches wot +I'd got at home to vear a Sundays. He said he vould, and 'at it should +be a 'nout-a-nout' job for he'd larnt to draw _phisogomony_ under _Sir +Peter Laurie_." + +"It's false!" said the complainant, "the brother artist I named was Sir +Thomas Lawrence." + +"Vere's the difference?" asked the coalheaver. "So, my lords, this here +persecutor goes to vork like a Briton, and claps this here thingamy in +my fist, vich ain't not a bit like me, but a blessed deal more likerer a +_bull with a belly-ache_." (_Laughter._) + +The defendant pulled out a card and handed it to the bench. On +inspection it was certainly a monstrous production, but it did present +an ugly likeness of the coalheaver. The commissioners were unanimously +of opinion it was a good fifteen-penny copy of the defendant's +countenance. + +"'Taint a bit like me?" said the defendant, angrily. "Vy, lookee here, +he's draw'd me vith a _bunch of ingans_ a sticking out of my pocket. +I'm werry fond of sitch wegetables, but I never carries none in my +pockets." + +"A bunch of onions!" replied the incensed artist--"I'll submit it to any +gentleman who is a _real_ judge of the 'fine arts,' whether that +(_pointing to the appendage_) can be taken for any thing else than the +gentleman's _watch-seals_." + +"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the coalheaver; "my votch-seals! Come, that's a +good 'un--I never vore no votch-seals, 'cause I never had none--so the +pictur can't be _like_ me." + +The commissioners admitted the premises, but denied the conclusion; and +being of opinion that the artist had made out his claim, awarded the sum +sought, and costs. + +The defendant laid down six shillings one by one with the air of a man +undergoing the operation of having so many teeth extracted, and taking +up his picture, consoled himself by saying, that "pr'aps his foreman, +Bill Jones, vould buy it, as he had the luck of vearing a votch on +Sundays." + + + + +RETORT COURTEOUS. + + +SOON after Whitefield landed in Boston, on his second visit to this +country, he and Dr. Chauncey met in the street, and, touching their hats +with courteous dignity, bowed to each other. "So you have returned, Mr. +Whitefield, have you?" He replied, "Yes, Reverend Sir, in the service of +the Lord." "I am sorry to hear it," said Chauncey. "So is the Devil!" +was the answer given, as the two divines, stepping aside at a distance +from each other, touched their hats and passed on. + + + + +TEACH YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO SUCK AN EGG. + + +"YOU see, grandma, we perforate an aperture in the apex, and a +corresponding aperture in the base; and by applying the egg to the lips, +and forcibly inhaling the breath, the shell is entirely discharged of +its contents." + +"Bless my soul," cried the old lady, "what wonderful improvements they +do make! Now in my young days we just made a hole in each end and +sucked." + + + + +ACCOMMODATING BOARDER. + + +THE landlord of an hotel at Brighton entered, in an angry mood, the +sleeping apartment of a boarder, and said, "Now, Sir, I want you to pay +your bill, and you _must_. I've asked you for it often enough; and I +tell you now, that you don't leave my house till you pay it!" "Good!" +said his lodger; "just put that in writing; make a regular agreement of +it; I'll stay with you as long as I live!" + + + + +ACCOMMODATING COOK. + + +_Mistress:_ "I think, cook, we must part this day month." + +_Cook:_ (in astonishment)--"Why, ma'am? I am sure I've let you 'ave your +own way in most everything?" + + + + +GOOD SHOT. + + +A SON of Erin, while hunting for rabbits, came across a jackass in the +woods, and shot him. + +"By me soul and St. Patrick," he exclaimed, "I've shot the father of all +the rabbits." + + + + +BILLINGSGATE RHETORIC. + + +AN action in the Court of Common Pleas, in 1794, between two +Billingsgate fishwomen, afforded two junior Barristers an opportunity of +displaying much small wit. + +The counsel for the plaintiff stated, that his client, Mrs. Isaacs, +labored in the humble, but honest vocation of a fishwoman, and that +while she was at Billingsgate market, making those purchases, which were +afterwards to furnish dainty meals to her customers, the defendant Davis +grossly insulted her, and in the presence of the whole market people, +called her a thief, and another, if possible, still more opprobrious +epithet. The learned counsel expatiated at considerable length on the +value and importance of character, and the contempt, misery, and ruin, +consequent upon the loss of it. "Character, my lord," continued he, "is +as dear to a fishwoman, as it is to a duchess. If 'the little worm we +tread on feels a pang as great as when a giant dies;' if the vital +faculties of a sprat are equal to those of a whale; why may not the +feelings of an humble retailer of 'live cod,' and 'dainty fresh salmon,' +be as acute as those of the highest rank in society?" Another +aggravation of this case, the learned counsel said, was, that his client +was an _Old Maid_; with what indignation, then, must she hear that foul +word applied to her, used by the Moor of Venice to his wife? His client +was not vindictive, and only sought to rescue her character, and be +restored to that _place_ in society she had so long maintained. + +The Judge inquired if that was the _sole_ object of the plaintiff, or +was it not rather baiting with a _sprat_ to catch a _herring_? + +Two witnesses proved the words used by the defendant. + +The counsel for the defendant said, his learned brother on the opposite +side had been _floundering_ for some time, and he could not but think +that Mrs. Isaacs was a _flat fish_ to come into court with such an +action. This was the first time he had ever heard of a fishwoman +complaining of abuse. The action originated at Billingsgate, and the +words spoken (for he would not deny that they had been used) were +nothing more than the customary language, the _lex non scripta_, by +which all disputes were settled at that place. If the court were to sit +for the purpose of reforming the language at Billingsgate, the sittings +would be interminable, actions would be as plentiful as mackerel at +midsummer, and the Billingsgate fishwomen would oftener have a new suit +at Guildhall, than on their backs. Under these circumstances, the +learned counsel called on the jury to reduce the damages to a _shrimp_. + +Verdict. Damages, _One Penny_. + + + + +HANG TOGETHER OR HANG SEPARATELY. + + +RICHARD PENN, one of the proprietors, and of all the governors of +Pennsylvania, under the old régime, probably the most deservedly +popular,--in the commencement of the revolution, (his brother John being +at that time governor,) was on the most familiar and intimate terms with +a number of the most decided and influential whigs; and, on a certain +occasion, being in company with several of them, a member of Congress +observed, that such was the crisis, "they must all _hang together_." "If +you do not, gentlemen," said Mr. Penn, "I can tell you, that you will be +very apt to _hang separately_." + + + + +WEBSTER MATCHED BY A WOMAN. + + +IN the somewhat famous case of Mrs. Bogden's will, which was tried in +the Supreme Court some years ago, Mr. Webster appeared as counselor for +the appellant. Mrs. Greenough, wife of Rev. William Greenough, late of +West Newton, a tall, straight, queenly-looking woman with a keen black +eye--a woman of great self-possession and decision of character, was +called to the stand as a witness on the opposite side from Mr. Webster. +Webster, at a glance, had the sagacity to foresee that her testimony, if +it contained anything of importance, would have great weight with the +court and jury. He therefore resolved, if possible, to break her up. And +when she answered to the first question put to her, "I believe--" +Webster roared out: + +"We don't want to hear what you believe; we want to hear what you know!" + +Mrs. Greenough replied, "That is just what I was about to say, Sir," and +went on with her testimony. + +And notwithstanding his repeated efforts to disconcert her, she pursued +the even tenor of her way, until Webster, becoming quite fearful of the +result, arose apparently in great agitation, and drawing out his large +snuff-box thrust his thumb and finger to the very bottom, and carrying +the deep pinch to both nostrils, drew it up with a gusto; and then +extracting from his pocket a very large handkerchief, which flowed to +his feet as he brought it to the front, he blew his nose with a report +that rang distinct and loud through the crowded hall. + +_Webster:_ Mrs. Greenough, was Mrs. Bogden a neat woman? + +_Mrs. Greenough:_ I cannot give you very full information as to that, +Sir; she had one very dirty trick. + +_Webster:_ What was that, Ma'am? + +_Mrs. Greenough:_ She took snuff! + +The roar of the court-house was such that the future defender of the +Constitution subsided, and neither rose nor spoke again until after Mrs. +Greenough had vacated her chair for another witness--having ample time +to reflect upon the inglorious history of the man who had a stone thrown +on his head by a woman. + + + + +A TEMPERANCE LECTURE. + + +"DADDY, I want to ask you a question." "Well, my son." "Why is neighbor +Smith's liquor shop like a counterfeit dollar?" "I can't tell, my son." +"Because you can't pass it," said the boy. + + + + +A DARNED SUBJECT. + + +A FEMALE writer says, "Nothing looks worse on a lady than darned +stockings." Allow us to observe that stockings which _need darning_ look +much worse than darned ones--Darned if they don't! + + + + +GO IT. + + +IT is astonishing how "toddy" promotes independence. A Philadelphia old +"brick," lying, a day or two since, in the gutter in a very spiritual +manner, was advised in a friendly way to economize, as "flour was going +up." "Let it go up," said old bottlenose, "I kin git as 'high' as flour +kin--any day." + + + + +TAPPING. + + +A GENTLEMAN in the Highlands of Scotland was attacked with a dropsy, +brought on by a too zealous attachment to his bottle; and it gained upon +him, at length, to such a degree, that he found it necessary to abstain +entirely from all spirituous liquors. Yet though discharged from +drinking himself, he was not hindered from making a bowl of punch to his +friends. He was sitting at this employment, when his physicians, who had +been consulting in an adjoining room, came in to tell him, that they had +just come to a resolution to tap him. "You may tap me as you please," +said the old gentleman, "but ne'er a thing was ever tapped in my house +that lasted long." + +The saying was but too true, he was tapped that evening, and died the +next day. + + + + +DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. + + +A FEW weeks ago a "sporting character" _looked in_ at the Hygeia Hotel, +just to see if he could fall in with any subjects, but finding none, and +understanding from the respectful proprietor, Mr. Parks, that he could +not be accommodated with a private room wherein to exercise the +mysteries of his craft, he felt the time begin to hang heavy on his +hands; so in order to dispel _ennui_ he took out a pack of cards and +began to amuse the by-standers in the bar-room with a number of +ingenious tricks with them, which soon drew a crowd around him. "Now," +said he, after giving them a good shuffle and slapping the pack down +upon the table, "I'll bet any man ten dollars I can cut the Jack of +hearts at the first attempt." Nobody seemed inclined to take him up, +however, till at last a weather-beaten New England skipper, in a +pea-jacket, stumped him by exclaiming, "Darned if I don't bet you! But +stop; let me see if all's right." Then taking up and inspecting it, as +if to see that there was no deception in it, he returned it to the +table, and began to fumble about in a side pocket, first taking out a +jack-knife, then a twist of tobacco, &c., till he produced a roll of +bank notes, from which he took one of $10 and handed it to a by-stander; +the gambler did the same, and taking out a pen-knife, and literally +cutting the pack in two through the middle, turned with an air of +triumph to the company, and demanded if he had not _cut_ the Jack of +hearts. "No, I'll be darned if you have!" bawled out Jonathan, "for here +it is, safe and sound." At the same time producing the card from his +pocket, whither he had dexterously conveyed it while pretending to +examine the pack, to see if it was "all right." The company were +convulsed with laughter, while the poor "child of chance" was fain to +confess that "_it was hard getting to windward of a Yankee._" + + + + +A HIGH AUTHORITY. + + +MR. CURRAN was once engaged in a legal argument; behind him stood his +colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably tall and slender, and +who had originally intended to take orders. The Judge observing that the +case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law; "Then," +said Curran, "I can refer your lordship to a _high_ authority behind me, +who was once intended for the church, though in my opinion he was fitter +for the steeple." + + + + +MISTAKEN THIS TIME. + + +COL. MOORE, a veteran politician of the Old Dominion, was a most +pleasant and affable gentleman, and a great lisper withal. He was known +by a great many, and professed to know many more; but a story is told of +him in which he failed to convince either himself or the stranger of +their previous acquaintance. All things to all men, he met a countryman, +one morning, and in his usual hearty manner stopped and shook hands with +him, saying-- + +"Why, how _do_ you do, thir? am very glad to thee you; a fine day, thir, +I thee you thill ride the old gray, thir." + +"No, Sir, this horse is one I borrowed this morning." + +"Oh! ah! Well, thir, how are the old gentleman and lady?" + +"My parents have been dead about three years, Sir!" + +"But how ith your wife, thir, and the children?" + +"I am an unmarried man, Sir." + +"Thure enough. Do you thill live on the old farm?" + +"No, Sir; I've just arrived from Ohio, where I was born." + +"Well, thir, I gueth I don't know you after all. Good morning, thir." + + + + +ONE OF THE BOYS. + + +NEIGHBOR T---- had a social party at his house a few evenings since, and +the "dear boy," Charles, a five-year old colt, was favored with +permission to be seen in the parlor. + +"Pa" is somewhat proud of his boy, and Charles was of course elaborately +gotten up for so great an occasion. Among other extras, the little +fellow's hair was treated to a liberal supply of eau de cologne, to his +huge gratification. As he entered the parlor, and made his bow to the +ladies and gentlemen-- + +"Lookee here," said he proudly, "if any one of you smells a smell, +that's _me_!" + +The effect was decided, and Charles, having thus in one brief sentence +delivered an illustrative essay on human vanity, was the hero of the +evening. + + + + +BOY ALL OVER. + + +A DISTINGUISHED lawyer says, that in his young days, he taught a boy's +school, and the pupils wrote compositions; he sometimes received some of +a peculiar sort. The following are specimens: + +"_On Industry._--It is bad for a man to be _idol_. Industry is the best +thing a man can have, and a wife is the next. Prophets and kings desired +it long, and without the site. Finis." + +"_On the Seasons._--There is four seasons, Spring, Summer, Autumn, and +Winter. They are all pleasant. Some people may like the Spring best, but +as for me,--give me liberty, or give me death. The End."--_Olive +Branch._ + + + + +PREPARATION FOR DINING. + + +AN Irish housemaid who was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, found him +engaged in using a tooth-brush. "Well, is he coming?" said the lady of +the house, as the servant returned. "Yes, Ma'am, directly," was the +reply; "he's just sharpening his teeth." + + + + +POETRY AND PRIGGING. + + +BETWEEN POETS and prigs, though seemingly "wide as the poles asunder" in +character, a strong analogy exists--and that list of "petty larceny +rogues" would certainly be incomplete, which did not include the +Parnassian professor. The difference, however, between Prigs and Poets +appears to be--that the former hold the well-known maxim of "Honor among +thieves" in reverence, and steal only from the public, while the latter, +less scrupulous, steal unblushingly from one another. This truth is as +old as Homer, and its proofs are as capable of demonstration as a +mathematical axiom. Should the alliance between the two professions be +questioned, the following case will justify our assertion. + +Mike Smith, a ragged urchin, who, though hardly able to peep over a +police bar, has been in custody more than a dozen times for petty +thefts, was charged by William King, an industrious cobbler and +ginger-beer merchant, with having stolen a bottle of "ginger-pop" from +his stall. + +The prosecutor declared the neighborhood in which his stall was +situated--that more than Cretan Labyrinth called the "Dials"--was so +infested with "young _warmint_" that he found it utterly impossible to +turn one honest penny by his ginger-pop, for if his eyes were off his +board for an instant, the young brigands who were eternally on the +look-out, took immediate advantage of the circumstance, and on his next +inspection, he was sure to discover that a bottle or two had vanished. +While busily employed on a pair of boots that morning, he happened to +cast his eyes where the ginger-pop stood, when, to his very great +astonishment, he saw a bottle move off the board just for all the world +as if it had possessed the power of locomotion. A second was about to +follow the first, when he popped his head out at the door and the +mystery was cleared up, for there he discovered the young delinquent +making a rapid retreat on all-fours, with the "ginger-pop," the cork of +which had flown out, fizzing from his breeches-pocket. After a smart +administration of the strappado, he proceeded to examine the contents of +his pinafore, which was bundled round him. This led to the discovery +that the young urchin had been on a most successful forage for a dinner +that morning. He had a delicate piece of pickled pork, a couple of eggs, +half a loaf, part of a carrot, a china basin, and the lid of a teapot; +all of which, on being closely pressed, he admitted were the result of +his morning's legerdemain labor. + +Mr. Dyer inquired into the parentage of the boy, and finding that they +were quite unable, as well as unwilling, to keep him from the streets, +ordered that he should be detained for the present. + +The boy when removed to the lock-up room--a place which familiarity with +had taught him to regard with indifference--amused himself by giving +vent to a poetical inspiration in the following admonitory distich, +which he scratched on the wall: + + "Him as prigs wot isn't _his'n_-- + Ven he's cotched--vill go to _pris'n_." + + + + +NAUTICAL SERMON. + + +WHEN Whitefield preached before the seamen at New York, he had the +following bold apostrophe in his sermon: + +"Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a +smooth sea, before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. +But what means this sudden lowering of the heavens, and that dark cloud +arising from beneath the western horizon? Hark! Don't you hear distant +thunder? Don't you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm +gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against +the ship! The air is dark! The tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The +ship is on her beam ends! What next?" + +It is said that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the +deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose with united voices and +minds, and exclaimed, "_Take to the long boat._" + + + + +BREVET MAJOR. + + +A NOBLEMAN having given a grand party, his tailor was among the company, +and was thus addressed by his lordship: "My dear Sir, I remember your +face, but I forget your name." The tailor whispered in a low tone--"I +made your breeches." The nobleman, taking him by the hand, +exclaimed--"Major Breeches, I am happy to see you." + + + + +ADVERTIZING HIGH. + + +A TIPSY loafer mistook a globe lamp with letters on it, for the queen of +night: "I'm blessed," said he, "if somebody haint stuck an advertisement +on the moon!" + + + + +COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. + + +GOVERNOR S---- was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of their +seven senses. He was especially noted for his success in criminal cases, +almost always clearing his client. He was once counsel for a man accused +of horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. The +jury retired, but returned in a few moments, and, with tears in their +eyes, proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up to +the prisoner and said: + +"Jim, the danger is past; and now, honor bright, didn't you steal that +horse?" + +"Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took that horse; but since I've +heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did!" + + + + +LARGE SNAKE. + + +AN Indian came to a certain "agency," in the northern part of Iowa, to +procure some whiskey for a young warrior that had been bitten with a +rattlesnake. At first the agent did not credit the story, but the +earnestness of the Indian, and the urgency of the case, overcame his +scruples, and turning to get the liquor, he asked the Indian how much he +wanted. + +"Four quarts," answered the Indian. + +"Four quarts?" asked the agent in surprise; "so much as that?" + +"Yes," replied the Indian, speaking through his set teeth, and frowning +as savagely as though about to wage war against the snake tribe, "four +quarts--_snake very big_." + + + + +DANGERS OF DUSTING; OR, MORE BEAUTIES OF MODERN LEGISLATION. + + +BOB SMITH and Bill Davis, a couple of boys in the full costume of the +"order" chummy, were charged with the high crime and misdemeanor of +having attempted to violate that portion of the British Constitution, +contained in the act relating to the removal of rubbish, by carrying off +a portion of the contents of Lord Derby's dusthole, the property of the +dust contractor. + +"Please your lordship's grace," said the dust contractor's deputy, +"master and me has lately lost a hunaccountable lot o' dust off our +beat, and as ve nat'rally know'd 'at it couldn't have vanished if no +body had a prigged it, vy consekvent_lye_ I keeps a look out for them +'ere unlegal covies vot goes out a dusting on the _cross_. Vhile I vos +out in Growener-skvare, I saw'd both these here two young criminals slip +down his lordship's airy and begin a shoveling his lordship's stuff into +von of their sackses. I drops on 'em in the werry hidentikle hact, and +collers both on 'em vith master's property." + +_Mr. Conant:_ You hear the charge, my lads--what have you to say in +defence? + +_Smith:_ Ve vorks for the house, my lud. + +_Mr. Conant:_ Is it your business to take away the dust? + +_Smith:_ No, my lud--ve're the rig'lar chimbly sveeps vot sveeps his +ludship's chimblys. Both on us call'd on his ludship to arsk if his +ludship's chimblys vonted sveeping--and ve larnt that they didn't; so, +my lud, as ve happened to see a lady sifting cinders in his ludship's +airy, ve arks'd her if she could be so werry hobliging as to let us have +a shovelful. She granted our demand vith the greatest perliteness, and +jest as ve vos about to cut our sticks, that there chap comes up and +lugs us avay to this here hoffice. + +_Mr. Conant:_ The case is proved, and the act says you must be fined +10_l._ Have you got 10_l._ a-piece? + +_Smith:_ (_grinning from ear to ear_)--Me got ten _pounds!_ I should +like to see a cove vot ever had sitch a precious sum _all at vonce_. All +as ever I got is threeha'pence-farden, and a bag of marbles; (_to the +other_)--you got any capital, Bill? + +_Bill:_ Ain't got nuffin--spent my last _brown_ on Vensday for a baked +tater. + +Mr. Conant looked over the act with a view of ascertaining if power had +been granted to mitigate; but the legislature had so carefully provided +for the enormity of the offence, that nothing less than the full penalty +would, according to the act, satisfy the justice of the case. + +The fine of 10_l._ each was imposed, or ten days' imprisonment. + + + + +ARBOREAL. + + +A RATHER foolish man of great wealth, was asked one day, if he had his +genealogical tree. + +"I don't know," he replied; "I have a great many trees, and I dare say I +have that one. I will ask my gardener." + + + + +EXPLICIT. + + +IN an Irish provincial journal there is an advertisement running thus:-- + +"Wanted--a handy laborer, who can plow a married man and a Protestant, +with a son or daughter." + + + + +BAD COUGH. + + +A FRIEND of ours was traveling lately, while afflicted with a very bad +cough. He annoyed his fellow travelers greatly, till finally one of them +remarked in a tone of displeasure-- + +"Sir, that is a very bad cough of yours." + +"True, Sir," replied our friend, "but you will excuse me--it's the best +I've got." + + + + +JUSTICE. + + +A WORKMAN, who was mounted on a high scaffold to repair a town clock, +fell from his elevated station, upon a man who was passing. The workman +escaped unhurt, but the man upon whom he fell, died. The brother of the +deceased accused the workman of murder, had him arrested, and brought to +trial. He pursued him with the utmost malignity, and would not admit a +word in his defence. At length the judge, provoked at his unfounded +hostility, gave the following judgment: + +"Let the accused stand in the same spot whereon the dead man stood, and +let the brother mount the scaffold, to the workman's old place and fall +upon him. Thus will justice be satisfied." + +The brother withdrew his suit. + + + + +POSTHUMOUS. + + +AN Irish student was once asked what was meant by posthumous works. +"They are such works," says the Paddy, "as a man writes after he is +dead." + + + + +AN INSTANCE OF REMARKABLE COOLNESS. + + +KNICKERBOCKER Magazine picks up a good many good things. In the December +number we find a story which runs thus:--"Judge B., of New Haven, is a +talented lawyer and a great wag. He has a son, Sam, a graceless wight, +witty, and, like his father fond of mint juleps and other palatable +"fluids." The father and son were on a visit to Niagara Falls. Each was +anxious to "take a nip," but (one for example, and the other in dread of +hurting the old man's feelings) equally unwilling to drink in the +presence of the other. "Sam," said the Judge, "I'll take a short +walk--be back shortly." "All right," replied Sam, and after seeing the +old gentleman safely around the corner, he walked out quickly, and +ordered a julep at a bar-room. While _in concocto_, the Judge entered, +and (Sam just then being back of a newspaper, and consequently viewing, +though viewless,) ordered a julep. The second was compounded, and the +Judge was just adjusting his tube for a cooling draught, when Sam +stepped up, and taking up his glass, requested the bar-tender to take +his pay for both juleps from the bill the old gentleman had handed out +to him! The surprise of the Judge was only equalled by his admiration +for his son's coolness; and he exclaimed, "Sam! Sam!--you need no julep +to cool _you_!" Sam "allowed" that he didn't." + + + + +LIBERALITY. + + +"PLEASE, Sir," said a little beggar girl to her charitable patron, "you +have given me a bad sixpence." "Never mind," was the reply, "you may +keep it for your honesty." + + + + +PEDANTRY REPROVED. + + +A YOUNG MAN, who was a student in one of our colleges, being very vain +of his knowledge of the Latin language, embraced every opportunity that +offered, to utter short sentences in Latin before his more illiterate +companions. An uncle of his, who was a seafaring man, having just +arrived from a long voyage, invited his nephew to visit him on board of +the ship. The young gentleman went on board, and was highly pleased with +everything he saw. Wishing to give his uncle an idea of his superior +knowledge, he tapped him on the shoulder, and pointing to the windlass, +asked, "Quid est hoc?" His uncle, being a man who despised such vanity, +took a chew of tobacco from his mouth, and throwing it in his nephew's +face, replied, "Hoc est _quid_." + + + + +BON MOT. + + +MR. BETHEL, an Irish counselor, as celebrated for his wit as his +practice, was once robbed of a suit of clothes in rather an +extraordinary manner. Meeting, on the day after, a brother barrister in +the Hall of the Four Courts, the latter began to condole with him on his +misfortune, mingling some expressions of surprise at the singularity of +the thing. "It is extraordinary indeed, my dear friend," replied Bethel, +"for without vanity, it is the first _suit_ I ever lost." + + + + +CAUSE OF GRIEF. + + +AN affectionate wife lamenting over her sick husband, he bade her dry +her tears, for possibly he might recover. "Alas! my dear," said she, +"the thought of it makes me weep." + + + + +WHERE YOU OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN. + + +A CLERGYMAN who is in the habit of preaching in different parts of the +country, was not long since at an inn, where he observed a horse jockey +trying to take in a simple gentleman, by imposing upon him a +broken-winded horse for a sound one. The parson knew the bad character +of the jockey, and taking the gentleman aside, told him to be cautious +of the person he was dealing with. The gentleman finally declined the +purchase, and the jockey, quite nettled, observed--"Parson, I had much +rather hear you preach, than see you privately interfere in bargains +between man and man, in this way." "Well," replied the parson, "if you +had been where you ought to have been, last Sunday, you might have heard +me preach." "Where was that?" inquired the jockey. "In the State +Prison," returned the clergyman. + + + + +COUNSEL AND WITNESS. + + +A GENTLEMAN who was severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, was +repeatedly asked if he did not lodge in the verge of the court; at +length he answered that he did. "And pray, Sir," said the counsel, "for +what reason did you take up your residence in that place?" "To avoid the +rascally impertinence of _dunning_," answered the witness. + + + + +WORKING A PASSAGE. + + +A PADDY applied to work his passage on a canal, and was employed to lead +the horses which drew the boat--on arriving at the place of destination, +he swore, "that he would sooner go on foot, than work his passage in +America." + + + + +TIMOTHY DEXTER. + + +ACCORDING to his own account, was born in Malden, Massachusetts. "I was +born," says he, (in his celebrated work, A Pikel for the Knowing Ones,) +"1747, Jan. 22; on this day in the morning, a great snow storm in the +signs of the seventh house; whilst Mars came forward, Jupiter stood by +to hold the candle. I was born to be a great man." + +Lord Dexter, after having served an apprenticeship to a leather dresser, +commenced business in Newburyport, where he married a widow, who owned a +house and a small piece of land; part of which, soon after the nuptials, +was converted into a shop and tan-yard. + +By application to his business, his property increased, and the purchase +of a large tract of land near Penobscot, together with an interest which +he bought in the Ohio Company's purchase, afforded him so much profit, +as to induce him to buy up Public Securities at forty cents on the +pound, which securities soon afterwards became worth twenty shillings on +the pound. + +His lordship at one time shipped a large quantity of _warming pans_ to +the _West Indies_, where they were sold at a great advance on prime +cost, and used for molasses ladles. At another time, he purchased a +large quantity of _whalebone for ships' stays_,--the article rose in +value upon his hands, and he sold it to great advantage. + +Property now was no longer the object of his pursuit: but popularity +became the god of his idolatry. He was charitable to the poor, gave +large donations to religious societies, and rewarded those who wrote in +his praise. + +His lordship about this time acquired his peculiar taste for style and +splendor; and to enhance his own importance in the world, set up an +elegant equipage, and at great cost, adorned the front of his house with +numerous figures of illustrious personages. + +By his order, a tomb was dug under his summer-house in his garden, +during his life, which he mentions in "A Pikel for the Knowing Ones," in +the following ludicrous style: + +"Here will lie in this box the first lord in Americake, the first Lord +Dexter made by the voice of hampsher state my brave fellows Affirmed it +they give me the titel and so Let it gone for as much as it will fetch +it wonte give me Any breade but take from me the Contrary fourder I have +a grand toume in my garding at one of the grasses and the tempel of +Reason over the toume and my coffen made and all Ready In my hous panted +with white Lead inside and outside tuched with greane and bras trimings +Eight handels and a gold Lock: I have had one mock founrel it was so +solmon and there was so much Criing about 3000 spectators I say my hous +is Eaqal to any mansion house in twelve hundred miles and now for sale +for seven hundred pounds weight of Dollars by me + +TIMOTHY DEXTER." + +Lord Dexter believed in transmigration, sometimes; at others he was a +deist. He died on the 22d day of Oct. 1806, in the 60th year of his age. + + + + +TELEGRAPH. + + +A HUSBAND telegraphed to his wife: "What have you got for breakfast, and +how is the baby?" The answer came back, "Buckwheat cakes and the +measles." + + + + +CONUNDRUMS. + + +WHAT tune is that which ladies never call for? Why, the spit-toon. + +When is a lady's neck not a neck? When it is a little bare. (_bear!_) + +When is music like vegetables? When there are two _beats_ to the +measure. + +Why was the elephant the last animal going into Noah's ark? Because he +waited for his trunk. + +Why is a poor horse greater than Napoleon? Because in him there are +_many_ bony parts. + + + + +NEAT REPLY. + + +A LADY wished a seat. A portly, handsome gentleman brought one and +seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," replied he, "I'm a +jeweller--I have just set the jewel." Could there have been anything +more gallant than that? + + + + +ON THE STUMP. + + +A SPEAKER at a stump meeting out West, declared that he knew no East, no +West, no North, no South. + +"Then," said a tipsy bystander, "you ought to go to school and larn your +geography." + + + + +LITERARY HUSBAND. + + +"I WISH," said a beautiful wife to her studious husband, "I wish I was a +book." "I wish you were--an _almanac_," replied her lord, "and then I +would get a new one every year." Just then the silk rustled. + + + + +ECONOMY. + + +"BLAST your stingy old skin!" said a runner to a competitor, before a +whole depot full of bystanders: "I knew you when you used to hire your +children to go to bed without their suppers, and after they got to sleep +you'd go up and steal their pennies to hire 'em with again the next +night!" + + + + +A TRICK. + + +THE following story is told of a boy who was asked to take a jug and get +some beer for his father, who had spent all his money for strong drink. +"Give me the money, then, father," replied the son. + +"My son, any body can get the beer with money, but to get it without +money, that is a trick." + +So the boy took the jug and went out. Shortly he returned, and placing +the jug before his father, said, "Drink." + +"How can I drink, when there is no beer in the jug?" + +"To drink beer out of a jug," says the boy, "where there is beer, +anybody could do that; but to drink beer out of a jug where there is no +beer, that is a trick!" + + + + +QUICK TIME. + + +A GENTLEMAN was one day arranging music for a young lady to whom he was +paying his addresses. + +"Pray, Miss D----," said he, "what time do you prefer?" + +"Oh," she replied carelessly, "any time will answer, but the quicker the +better." + + + + +STRONG AFFECTION. + + +THERE is a man who says he has been at evening parties out West, where +the boys and girls hug so hard that their sides cave in. He says he has +many of his own ribs broken that very way. + + + + +VERY AFFECTING. + + +A PROFESSIONAL beggar boy, some ten years of age, ignorant of the art of +reading, bought a card to put on his breast, and appeared in the public +streets as a "poor widow with eight small children." + + + + +HARD SHAVE. + + +"DOES the razor take hold well?" inquired a darkey, who was shaving a +gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in +his eyes, "it takes hold first rate, but it don't let go worth a cent." + + + + +COULDN'T TELL HIS FATHER. + + +CICERO was of low birth, and Metellus was the son of a licentious woman. +Metellus said to Cicero, "Dare you tell your father's name?" Cicero +replied, "Can your mother tell yours?" + + + + +A SAUCY DOCTOR. + + +"Why, doctor," said a sick lady, "you give me the same medicine that you +are giving my husband. Why is that?" "All right," replied the doctor, +"what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander." + + + + +EXPOSING A PARSON. + + +A MINISTER was one Sabbath examining a Sunday school in catechism before +the congregation. The usual question was put to the first girl, a +strapper, who usually assisted her father, who was a publican, in +waiting upon customers. + +"What is your name?" + +No reply. + +"What is your name?" he repeated, + +"None of your fun, Mr. Minister," said the girl; "you know my name well +enough. Don't you say when you come to our house on a night, 'Bet, bring +me some more ale?'" + +The congregation, forgetting the sacredness of the place, were in a +broad grin, and the parson looked daggers. + + + + +NATURAL HISTORY. + + +"PAPA, can't I go to the zoologerical rooms to see the camomile fight +the rhy-no-sir-ee-hoss?" "Sartin, my son, but don't get your trowsers +torn. Strange, my dear, what a taste that boy has for nat'ral history. +No longer ago than yesterday he had a pair of Thomas-cats hanging by +their tails to the clothes line." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of +Fun;, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ANECDOTES *** + +***** This file should be named 29419-8.txt or 29419-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/4/1/29419/ + +Produced by Chuck Greif, Patricia Ann Doyle Saumell and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/29419-8.zip b/29419-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..298730d --- /dev/null +++ b/29419-8.zip diff --git a/29419-h.zip b/29419-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f047f61 --- /dev/null +++ b/29419-h.zip diff --git a/29419-h/29419-h.htm b/29419-h/29419-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d547981 --- /dev/null +++ b/29419-h/29419-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,12606 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en" xml:lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Book Of Anecdotes. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + text-indent: 2%; + } + .c {text-align: center; + text-indent: 0%; + } + .dots {text-align: center;font-weight:800; + text-indent: 0%;font-size:125%;letter-spacing:35px; + } + .r {text-align: right; + margin-right:25%; + } + .sml {font-size:80%;} + h1,h2 {text-align: center; + clear: both; + } + h3 {margin-top:5%; + text-align: center; + clear: both; + } + .top5 {margin-top: 5%;} + .top15 {margin-top: 15%;} + hr { width: 20%; + margin: 2em auto 2em auto; + clear: both; + color:black; + } + hr.full { width: 100%; + margin-top: 5%; + margin-bottom: 5%; + border: solid black; + height: 5px; } + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + background:#fdfdfd; + color:black; + font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; + font-size: large; + } + ol {text-indent: .5em;margin-left:15%;} + a:link {background-color: #ffffff; color: blue; text-decoration: none; } + link {background-color: #ffffff; color: blue; text-decoration: none; } + a:visited {background-color: #ffffff; color: blue; text-decoration: none; } + a:hover {background-color: #ffffff; color: red; text-decoration:underline; } + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps; + font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; + font-size: 95%; + } + .poem {margin-left:30%;font-size:90%; + white-space:nowrap; + text-indent: 0%; + } + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun;, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun; + containing a collection of over one thousand of the most + laughable sayings and jokes of celebrated wits and + humorists. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 15, 2009 [EBook #29419] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ANECDOTES *** + + + + +Produced by Chuck Greif, Patricia Ann Doyle Saumell and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<p class="c">THE</p> + +<h1>BOOK OF ANECDOTES,</h1> + +<p class="c top5">AND</p> + +<h1>BUDGET OF FUN;</h1> + +<p class="c top5">CONTAINING</p> + +<p class="c top5">A COLLECTION OF OVER</p> + +<h2 class="top5">ONE THOUSAND</h2> + +<p class="c top5">OF THE MOST LAUGHABLE SAYINGS AND JOKES<br />OF CELEBRATED WITS AND +HUMORISTS.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="c"> +PHILADELPHIA:<br /> +GEO. G. EVANS, PUBLISHER,<br /> +NO. 439 CHESTNUT STREET.<br /> +1860.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="c sml">Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1859, by<br /> +G. G. EVANS<br /> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of<br /> +Pennsylvania.<br /> +</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3 class="top15">PREFACE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Nothing</span> is so well calculated to preserve the healthful action of the +human system as a good, hearty laugh. It is with this indisputable and +important sanitary fact in view, that this collection of anecdotes has +been made. The principle in selecting each of them, has been, not to +inquire if it were odd, rare, curious, or remarkable; but if it were +really funny. Will the anecdote raise a laugh? That was the test +question. If the answer was "Yes," then it was accepted. If "No," then +it was rejected.</p> + +<p>Anything offensive to good taste, good manners, or good morals, was, of +course, out of the question.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3 class="top15">BOOK OF ANECDOTES,</h3> + +<p class="c">AND</p> + +<h1>BUDGET OF FUN</h1> + +<hr /> + +<h3>LORD MANSFIELD AND HIS COACHMAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following is an anecdote of the late Lord Mansfield, which his +lordship himself told from the bench:—He had turned off his coachman +for certain acts of peculation, not uncommon in this class of persons. +The fellow begged his lordship to give him a character. "What kind of +character can I give you?" says his lordship. "Oh, my lord, any +character your lordship pleases to give me, I shall most thankfully +receive." His lordship accordingly sat down and wrote as follows:—"The +bearer, John ——, has served me three years in the capacity of +coachman. He is an able driver, and a very sober man, I discharged him +because he cheated me."—(Signed) "<span class="smcap">Mansfield</span>." John thanked his +lordship, and went off. A few mornings afterwards, when his lordship was +going through his lobby to step into his coach for Westminster Hall, a +man, in a very handsome livery, made him a low bow. To his surprise he +recognized his late coachman. "Why, John," says his lordship, "you seem +to have got an excellent place; how could you manage this with the +character I gave you?" "Oh! my lord," says John, "it was an exceeding +good character, and I am come to return you thanks for it; my new +master, on reading it, said, he observed your lordship recommended me as +an able driver and a sober man. 'These,' says he, 'are just the +qualities I want in a coachman; I observe his lordship adds he +discharged you because you cheated him. Hark you, sirrah,' says he, 'I'm +a Yorkshireman, and I'll defy you to cheat <i>me</i>.'"</p> + + + +<h3>A DISCLAIMER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">General Zaremba</span> had a very long Polish name. The king having heard of +it, one day asked him good humouredly, "Pray, Zaremba, what is your +name?" The general repeated to him immediately the whole of his long +name. "Why," said the king, "the devil himself never had such a name." +"I should presume not, Sire," replied the general, "as he was <i>no +relation of mine</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A CONSIDERATE DARKIE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Cæsar</span>," said a planter to his negro, "climb up that tree and thin the +branches." The negro showed no disposition to comply, and being pressed +for a reason, answered: "Well, look heah, massa, if I go up dar and fall +down an' broke my neck, dat'll be a thousand dollars out of your pocket. +Now, why don't you hire an Irishman to go up, and den if <i>he</i> falls and +kills himself, dar won't be no loss to nobody?"</p> + + + +<h3>OCULAR DEMONSTRATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Newman</span> is a famous New England singing-master; <i>i. e.</i>, a teacher of +vocal music in the rural districts. Stopping over night at the house of +a simple minded old lady, whose grandson and pet, Enoch, was a pupil of +Mr. Newman, he was asked by the lady how Enoch was getting on. He gave a +rather poor account of the boy, and asked his grandmother if she thought +Enoch had any ear for music.</p> + +<p>"Wa'al," said the old woman, "I raaly don't know; won't you just take +the candle and see?"</p> + + + +<h3>A SUFFICIENT REASON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> was once a clergyman in New Hampshire, noted for his long sermons +and indolent habits. "How is it," said a man to his neighbour, "Parson +----, the laziest man living, writes these interminable sermons?" "Why," +said the other, "he probably gets to writing and he is too lazy to +stop."</p> + + + +<h3>INCONSIDERATE CLEANLINESS.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Bring</span> in the oysters I told you to open," said the head of a household +growing impatient. "There they are," replied the Irish cook proudly. "It +took me a long time to clean them; but I've done it, and thrown all the +nasty insides into the strate."</p> + + + +<h3>YANKEE THRIFT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Quoth</span> Patrick of the Yankee: "Bedad, if he was cast away on a dissolute +island, he'd get up the next mornin' an' go around sellin' maps to the +inhabitants."</p> + + + +<h3>SAFE MAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A poor</span> son of the Emerald Isle applied for employment to an avaricious +hunks, who told him he employed no Irishmen; "for," said he, "the last +one died on my hands, and I was forced to bury him at my own expense."</p> + +<p>"Ah! your honour," said Pat, brightening up, "and is that all? Then +you'll give me the place, for sure I can get a certificate that I niver +died in the employ of any master I iver sarved."</p> + + + +<h3>A PAIR OF HUSBANDS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> editor perpetrates the following upon the marriage of a Mr. +Husband to the lady of his choice:</p> + +<p>"This case is the strongest we have known in our life; The husband's a +husband, and so is the wife."</p> + + + +<h3>ART CRITICISM.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a recent exhibition of paintings, a lady and her son were regarding +with much interest, a picture which the catalogue designated as "Luther +at the Diet of Worms." Having descanted at some length upon its merits, +the boy remarked, "Mother, I see Luther and the table, but where are the +worms?"</p> + + + +<h3>CUTTING A SWELL.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">A sturdy-looking</span> man in Cleveland, a short time since, while busily +engaged in cow-hiding a dandy, who had insulted his daughter, being +asked what he was doing, replied: "<i>Cutting a swell</i>;" and continued his +amusement without further interruption.</p> + + + +<h3>TALLEYRAND.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">To</span> a lady who had lost her husband, Talleyrand once addressed a letter +of condolence, in two words: "Oh, madame!" In less than a year, the lady +had married again, and then his letter of congratulation was, "Ah, +madame!"</p> + + + +<h3>THAT'S NOTHING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span>, hearing of another who was 100 years old, said contemptuously: +"Pshaw! what a fuss about nothing! Why, if my grandfather was alive he +would be one hundred and fifty years old."</p> + + + +<h3>LARGE POCKET-BOOK.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> most capacious pocket-book on record is the one mentioned by a +coroner's jury in Iowa, thus:—"We find the deceased came to his death +by a visitation of God, and not by the hands of violence. We find upon +the body a pocket-book containing $2, a check on Fletcher's Bank for +$250, and two horses, a wagon, and some butter, eggs, and feathers."</p> + + + +<h3>DEGRADATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> once heard of a rich man, who was badly injured by being run over. +"It isn't the accident," said he, "that I mind; that isn't the thing, +but the idea of being run over by an infernal swill-cart makes me mad."</p> + + + +<h3>DEAF TO HIS OWN CALL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A New Orleans</span> paper states, there is in that city a hog, with his ears +so far back, that he can't hear himself squeal.</p> + + + +<h3>DR. PARR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Parr</span> had a great deal of sensibility. When I read to him, in +Lincoln's Inn Fields, the account of O'Coigly's death, the tears rolled +down his cheeks.</p> + +<p>One day Mackintosh having vexed him, by calling O'Coigly "a rascal," +Parr immediately rejoined, "Yes, Jamie, he was a bad man, but he might +have been worse; he was an Irishman, but he might have been a Scotchman; +he was a priest, but he might have been a lawyer; he was a republican, +but he might have been an apostate."</p> + + + +<h3>GOOD.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the +monotony of the proceedings:</p> + +<p>Among the witnesses was one, as verdant a specimen of humanity as one +would wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination, the counsel +for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity, and +an ominous shake of the head, exclaimed:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell a +different story?"</p> + +<p>"A different story from what I have told, sir?"</p> + +<p>"That is what I mean."</p> + +<p>"Yes sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different story +from what I have told, but they couldn't."</p> + +<p>"Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who those persons are."</p> + +<p>"Waal, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them."</p> + +<p>The witness was dismissed, while the judge, jury, and spectators, +indulged in a hearty laugh.</p> + + + +<h3>I'LL VOTE FOR THE OTHER MAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following story is told of a revolutionary soldier who was running +for Congress.</p> + +<p>It appears that he was opposed by a much younger man who had "never been +to the wars," and it was his practice to tell the people of the +hardships he had endured. Says he:</p> + +<p>"Fellow-citizens, I have fought and bled for my country—I helped whip +the British and Indians. I have slept on the field of battle, with no +other covering than the canopy of heaven. I have walked over frozen +ground, till every footstep was marked with blood."</p> + +<p>Just about this time, one of the "sovereigns," who had become very much +affected by this tale of woe, walks up in front of the speaker, wiping +the tears from his eyes with the extremity of his coat-tail, and +interrupting him, says:</p> + +<p>"Did you say that you had fought the British and the Injines?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, I did."</p> + +<p>"Did you say you had followed the enemy of your country over frozen +ground, till every footstep was covered with blood?"</p> + +<p>"Yes!" exultingly replied the speaker.</p> + +<p>"Well, then," says the tearful "sovereign," as he gave a sigh of painful +emotion, "I'll be blamed if I don't think you've done enough for your +country, and I'll vote for the other man!"</p> + + + +<h3>THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Taking</span> shelter from a shower in an umbrella shop.</p> + + + +<h3>DECLINING AN OFFICE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Ben</span>," said a politician to his companion, "did you know I had declined +the office of Alderman?"</p> + +<p>"<i>You</i> declined the office of Alderman? Was you elected?"</p> + +<p>"O, no."</p> + +<p>"What then? Nominated?"</p> + +<p>"No, but I attended our party caucus last evening, and took an active +part; and when a nominating committee was appointed, and were making up +the list of candidates, I went up to them and begged they would not +nominate me for Alderman, as it would be impossible for me to attend to +the duties?"</p> + +<p>"Show, Jake; what reply did they make?"</p> + +<p>"Why, they said they hadn't thought of such a thing."</p> + + + +<h3>GOOD WITNESSES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Attorney before a bench of magistrates, a short time ago, told the +bench, with great gravity, "That he had two witnesses in court, in +behalf of his client, and they would be sure to speak the truth; for he +had had no opportunity to communicate with them!"</p> + + + +<h3>TALLEYRAND'S WIT.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Ah!</span> I feel the torments of hell," said a person, whose life had been +supposed to be somewhat of the loosest. "Already?" was the inquiry +suggested to M. Talleyrand. Certainly, it came natural to him. It is, +however, not original; the Cardinal de Retz's physician is said to have +made a similar exclamation on a like occasion.</p> + + + +<h3>A FIGHTING FOWL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> Colonel Crockett's first winter in Washington, a caravan of wild +animals was brought to the city and exhibited. Large crowds attended the +exhibition; and, prompted by common curiosity, one evening Colonel +Crockett attended.</p> + +<p>"I had just got in," said he; "the house was very much crowded, and the +first thing I noticed, was two wild cats in a cage. Some acquaintance +asked me if they were like wild cats in the backwoods; and I was looking +at them, when one turned over and died. The keeper ran up and threw some +water on it. Said I, 'Stranger, you are wasting time: my look kills them +things; and you had much better hire me to go out of here, or I will +kill every varmint you've got in the caravan.' While I and he were +talking, the lions began to roar. Said I, 'I won't trouble the American +lion, because he is some kin to me; but turn out the African lion—turn +him out—turn him out—I can whip him for a ten dollar bill, and the +zebra may kick occasionally, during the fight.' This created some fun; +and I then went to another part of the room, where a monkey was riding a +pony. I was looking on, and some member said to me, 'Crockett, don't +that monkey favor General Jackson?' 'No,' said I, 'but I'll tell you who +it does favor. It looks like one of your boarders, Mr. ——, of Ohio.' +There was a loud burst of laughter at my saying so, and, upon turning +round, I saw Mr. ——, of Ohio, within three feet of me. I was in a +right awkward fix; but bowed to the company, and told 'em, I had either +slandered the monkey, or Mr. ——, of Ohio, and if they would tell me +which, I would beg his pardon. The thing passed off, but the next +morning, as I was walking the pavement before my door, a member came to +me and said, 'Crockett, Mr. ——, of Ohio, is going to challenge you.' +Said I, 'Well, tell him I am a fighting fowl. I s'pose if I am +challenged, I have the right to choose my weapons?' 'Oh yes,' said he. +'Then tell him,' said I, 'that I will fight him with bows and arrows.'"</p> + + + +<h3>ELEPHANT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the great Lord Clive was in India, his sisters sent him some +handsome presents from England; and he informed them by letter, that he +had returned them an "<i>elephant</i>;" (at least, so they read the word;) an +announcement which threw them into the utmost perplexity; for what could +they possibly do with the animal? The true word was "equivalent."</p> + + + +<h3>"THE LAST WAR."</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Pitt</span>, once speaking in the House of Commons, in the early part of +his career, of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in +which the colonies were lost, called it "the last war." Several members +cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after, +repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last +war but one—the last war but one." "I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, +turning to the Speaker, and raising his sonorous voice, "I mean, sir, +the last war that Britons would wish to remember." Whereupon the cry was +instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud.</p> + + + +<h3>KISSES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> an impudent fellow attempts to kiss a Tennessee girl, she "cuts +your acquaintance;" all their "divine luxuries are preserved for the lad +of their own choice." When you kiss an Arkansas girl, she hops as high +as a cork out of a champagne bottle, and cries, "Whew, how good!" Catch +an Illinois girl and kiss her, and she'll say, "Quit it now, you know +I'll tell mamma!" A kiss from the girls of old Williamson is a tribute +paid to their beauty, taste, and amiability. It is not <i>accepted</i>, +however, until the gallant youth who offers it is <i>accepted</i> as the lord +of their hearts' affections, and firmly united with one, his "chosen +love," beneath the same bright star that rules their destiny for ever. +The common confectionery make-believe kisses, wrapped in paper, with a +verse to sweeten them, won't answer with them. We are certain they +won't, for we once saw such a one handed to a beautiful young lady with +the following:—</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I'd freely give whole years of bliss,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To gather from thy lips one kiss.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>To which the following prompt and neat response was immediately +returned:—</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Young men present these to their favourite Miss,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And think by such means to entrap her;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">But la! they ne'er catch us with this kind of kiss,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">The right kind hain't got any wrapper.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>If you kiss a Mississippian gal she'll flare-up like a scorched feather, +and return the compliment by bruising your sky-lights, or may-be giving +the <i>quid pro quo</i> in the shape of a blunder-<i>buss</i>. Baltimore girls, +more beautiful than any in the world, all meet you with a half-smiling, +half-saucy, come-kiss-me-if-you-dare kind of a look, but you must be +careful of the first essay. After that no difficulty will arise, unless +you be caught attempting to kiss another—then look out for thundergust. +When a Broome girl gets a <i>smack</i>, she exclaims, "If it was anybody else +but you, I'd make a fuss about it."</p> + + + +<h3>AMERICAN WONDERS.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">She</span> be a pretty craft, that little thing of yours," observed old Tom. +"How long may she take to make the run?" "How long? I expect in just no +time; and she'd go as fast again, only she won't wait for the breeze to +come up with her." "Why don't you heave to for it?" said young Tom. +"Lose too much time, I guess. I have been chased by an easterly wind all +the way from your Land's-end to our Narrows, and it never could overhaul +me." "And I presume the porpusses give it up in despair, don't they?" +replied old Tom with a leer; "and yet I've seen the creatures playing +before the bows of an English frigate at her speed, and laughing at +her." "They never play their tricks with me, old snapper; if they do, I +cut them in halves, and a-starn they go, head part floating one side, +and tail part on the other." "But don't they join together again when +they meet in your wake?" inquired Tom. "Shouldn't wonder," replied the +American Captain. "My little craft upset with me one night, in a pretty +considerable heavy gale; but she's smart, and came up again on the other +side in a moment, all right as before. Never should have known anything +about it, if the man at the wheel had not found his jacket wet, and the +men below had a round turn in all the clues of their hammocks." "After +that round turn, you may belay," cried Tom laughing. "Yes, but don't +let's have a stopper over all, Tom," replied his father. "I consider all +this excessively diverting. Pray, Captain, does everything else go fast +in the new country?" "Everything with us clear, slick, I guess." "What +sort of horses have you in America?" inquired I. "Our Kentuck horses, +I've a notion, would surprise you. They're almighty goers at a trot, +beat a N. W. gale of wind. I once took an Englishman with me in a gig up +Alabama country, and he says, 'What's this great church yard we are +passing through?' 'Stranger,' says I, 'I calculate it's nothing but the +mile-stones we are passing so slick.' But I once had a horse, who, I +expect, was a deal quicker than that; I once seed a flash of lightning +chase him for half an hour round the clearance, and I guess it couldn't +catch him."</p> + + + +<h3>NO HARM.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Mother</span>," said a little fellow the other day, "is there any harm in +breaking egg shells?" "Certainly not, my dear, but why do you ask?" +"Cause I dropt the basket jist now, and see what a mess I'm in with the +yolk."</p> + + + +<h3>TAKEN DOWN A PEG.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman, observing a dandy taking his usual strut in Broadway, +stepped up to him and inquired:</p> + +<p>"How much do you ax for thim houses?"</p> + +<p>"What do you ask me that for?"</p> + +<p>"Faith, an' I thought the whole strate belonged to ye," replied the +Irishman.</p> + + + +<h3>DUTCH MARRIAGE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old Dutch farmer, just arrived at the dignity of justice of the +peace, had his first marriage case. He did it up in this way. He first +said to the man: "Vell, you vants to be marrit, do you? Vell, you lovesh +dis voman so goot as any voman you have ever seen?" "Yes," answered the +man. Then to the woman: "Vell, do you love dis man so better as any man +you have ever seen?" She hesitated a little, and he repeated: "Vell, +vell, do you like him so vell as to be his vife?" "Yes, yes," she +answered. "Vell, dat ish all any reasonable man can expect. So you are +marrit; I pronounce you man and vife." The man asked the justice what +was to pay. "Nothing at all, nothing at all; you are velcome to it if it +vill do you any good."</p> + + + +<h3>SAVE THE MATERIAL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A rich</span> old farmer at Crowle, near Bantry, England, speaking to a +neighbour about the "larning" of his nephew, said:—"Why I shud a made +Tom a lawyer, I think, but he was sich a good hand to hold a plough that +I thought 'twere a pity to spoil a good ploughboy."</p> + + + +<h3>BE DISCREET.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">If</span> your sister, while tenderly engaged in a tender conversation with her +tender sweetheart, asks you to bring a glass of water from an adjoining +room, you can start on the errand, but you need not return. You will not +be missed—that's certain; we've seen it tried. Don't forget this, +little boys.</p> + + + +<h3>TRAVELER'S TALE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A traveler</span>, relating his adventures, told the company that he and his +servant had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed +that there was no great matter in it—"for," said he, "we ran, and they +ran after us."</p> + + + +<h3>AN OPINION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A tipsy</span> Irishman, leaning against a lamp post as a funeral was passing +by, was asked who was dead. "I can't exactly say, sir," said he, "but I +presume it's the gentleman in the coffin."</p> + + + +<h3>GARRICK.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> lord wished Garrick to be a candidate for the representation +of a borough in parliament. "No, my lord," said the actor, "I would +rather play the part of a great man on the stage than the part of a fool +in parliament."</p> + + + +<h3>JONATHAN'S LAST.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so old +that they have quite forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive +who can remember it for them.</p> + + + +<h3>METAPHYSICS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> blacksmith, being asked the meaning of metaphysics, explained +it as follows:—"When the party who listens disna ken what the party who +speaks means, and when the party who speaks disna ken what he means +himsel'—that is metaphysics."</p> + + + +<h3>FORENSIC ELOQUENCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> <i>Wheeling Gazette</i> gives the following, as an extract from the +recent address of a barrister "out west," to a jury:—"The law expressly +declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of Shakspeare, that where +no doubt exists of the guilt of the prisoner, it is your duty to fetch +him in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of my +client, gentlemen, you will have the honor of making a friend of him, +and all his relations; and you can allers look upon this occasion, and +reflect with pleasure, that you have done as you would be done by. But +if, on the other hand, you disregard the principle of law, and set at +nought my eloquent remarks, and fetch him in guilty, the silent twitches +of conscience will follow you over every fair cornfield, I reckon; and +my injured and down-trodden client will be apt to light on you one of +these dark nights, <i>as my cat lights on a sasserful of new milk</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A DEFINITION IN POLITICAL ECONOMY.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Will</span> you never learn, my dear, the difference between real and +exchangeable value?" The question was put to a husband, who had been +lucky enough to be tied up to a political economist in petticoats. "Oh +yes, my dear, I think I begin to see." "Indeed!" responded the lady. +"Yes," replied the husband. "For instance, my dear, I know your deep +learning, and all your other virtues. That's your <i>real</i> value. But I +know, also, that none of my married friends would swap wives with me. +That's your <i>exchangeable</i> value.</p> + + + +<h3>COULDN'T UNDERSTAND.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Ah</span>, Pat, Pat," said a schoolmistress to a thick-headed urchin into +whose muddy brain she was attempting to beat the alphabet—"I'm afraid +you'll never learn anything. Now, what's that letter, eh?"</p> + +<p>"Sure, and I don't know ma'am," replied Pat.</p> + +<p>"Thought you might have remembered that."</p> + +<p>"Why, ma'am?"</p> + +<p>"Because it has a dot over the top of it."</p> + +<p>"Och, ma'am, I mind it well; but sure I thought it was a speck."</p> + +<p>"Well, now remember, Pat, it's I."</p> + +<p>"You, ma'am?"</p> + +<p>"No! no! not U but I."</p> + +<p>"Not I, but you, ma'am—how's that?"</p> + +<p>"Not U, but I, blockhead!"</p> + +<p>"Och, yis, faith; now I have it, ma'am. You mean to say, that not I but +you are a blockhead?"</p> + +<p>"Fool! fool!" exclaimed the pedagoguess bursting with rage.</p> + +<p>"Just as you please," quietly responded Pat, "fool or blockhead—it's no +matter, so long as yer free to own it!"</p> + + + +<h3>GREAT CALF.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a cattle show, recently, a fellow who was making himself ridiculously +conspicuous, at last broke forth—"Call these ere prize cattle? Why, +they ain't nothin' to what our folks raised. My father raised the +biggest calf of any man round our parts."</p> + +<p>"I don't doubt it," remarked a bystander, "and the noisiest."</p> + + + +<h3>GO IN AND WIN.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Ma</span>, I am going to make some soft soap, for the Fair this fall!" said a +beautiful Miss of seventeen, to her mother, the other day.</p> + +<p>"What put that notion into your head, Sally?"</p> + +<p>"Why, ma, the premium is just what I have been wanting."</p> + +<p>"Pray, what is it?"</p> + +<p>"A 'Westchester Farmer,' I hope he will be a good looking one!"</p> + + + +<h3>NOT HERE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A correspondent</span> from Northampton, Mass., is responsible for the +following:—"A subscriber to a moral-reform paper, called at our post +office, the other day, and enquired if <i>The Friend of Virtue</i> had come. +"No," replied the postmaster, "there has been no such person here for a +long time."</p> + + + +<h3>GENTLEMEN AND THEIR DEBTS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Rev. Dr. Sutton, Vicar of Sheffield, once said to the late Mr. +Peach, a veterionary surgeon, "Mr. Peach, how is it you have not called +upon me for your account?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," said Mr. Peach, "I never ask a gentleman for money."</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" said the Vicar, "then how do you get on if he don't pay?"</p> + +<p>"Why," replied Mr. Peach, "after a certain time I conclude that he is +not a gentleman, and then I ask him."</p> + + + +<h3>CHARLES JAMES FOX AND HIS FRIEND.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">I saw</span> Lunardi make the first ascent in a balloon, which had been +witnessed in England. It was from the Artillery ground. Fox was there +with his brother, General F. The crowd was immense. Fox, happening to +put his hand down to his watch, found another hand upon it, which he +immediately seized. "My friend," said he to the owner of the strange +hand, "you have chosen an occupation which wilt be your ruin at last." +"O Mr. Fox," was the reply, "forgive me, and let me go! I have been +driven to this course by necessity alone; my wife and children are +starving at home." Fox, always tender-hearted, slipped a guinea into the +hand, and then released it. On the conclusion of the show, Fox was +proceeding to look what o'clock it was. "Good God!" cried he, "my watch +is gone!" "Yes," answered General F., "I know it is; I saw your friend +take it." "Saw him take it! and you made no attempt to stop him?" +"Really, you and he appeared to be on such good terms with each other, +that I did not choose to interfere."—<i>Rogers' Table-talk.</i></p> + + + +<h3>MINISTERIAL DRINKING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Stothard</span> the painter happened to be, one evening, at an inn on the Kent +Road, when Pitt and Dundas put up there on their way from Walmer. Next +morning, as they were stepping into their carriage, the waiter said to +Stothard, "Sir, do you observe these two gentlemen?" "Yes," he replied; +"and I know them to be Mr. Pitt and Mr. Dundas." "Well, sir, how much +wine do you suppose they drank last night?"—Stothard could not +guess.—"Seven bottles, sir."</p> + + + +<h3>PARR AND ERSKINE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Parr</span> and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their +time. At a dinner some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasies with the +conversational powers of Lord Erskine, called out to him, though his +junior, "My Lord, I mean to write your epitaph." "Dr. Parr," replied the +noble lawyer, "it is a temptation to commit suicide."</p> + + + +<h3>SENATORIAL PECULIARITY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A few</span> days since, says the <i>New York Courier</i>, Mr. Wise appealed to the +Speaker of the House of Representatives for protection against Mr. +Adams, who, he alleged, was "<i>making mouths at him</i>." Precisely the same +complaint was subsequently made by a gentleman from Massachusetts, +against Mr. Marshall of Kentucky; but the latter gentleman defended +himself by saying, "It was only a <i>peculiar mode he had of chewing his +tobacco</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>FAMILY FLEAS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the late Lord Erskine, then going the circuit, was asked by his +landlord how he slept, he replied, "Union is strength; a fact of which +some of your inmates seem to be unaware; for had they been unanimous +last night, they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!" exclaimed +Boniface, affecting great astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a +single one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted his +lordship, "they are all married, and have uncommonly large families."</p> + + + +<h3>PULPIT PLEASANTRY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day, Naisr-ed-din ascended the pulpit of the Mosque, and thus +addressed the congregation:—"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am +going to say to you?" "No," responded the congregation. "Well, then," +said he, "there is no use in my speaking to you." And he came down from +the pulpit. He went to preach a second time, and asked the congregation, +"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am going to say to you?" "We +know," replied the audience. "Ah, as you know," said he, quitting the +pulpit, "why should I take the trouble of telling you?" When next he +came to preach, the congregation resolved to try his powers; and when he +asked his usual question, replied, "Some of us know, and some of us do +not know." "Very well," said he, "let those who know, tell those who do +not know."—<i>Turkish Jest-book.</i></p> + + + +<h3>AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> other day, Mrs. Snipkins being unwell, sent for a medical man, and +declared that she was poisoned, and that Mr. Snipkins did it. "I didn't +do it," shouted Snipkins. "It's all gammon; she isn't poisoned. Prove +it, doctor—open her on the spot—I'm willing."</p> + + + +<h3>BRUMMELL.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">May</span> I help you to some beef?" said the master of the house to the late +Mr. Brummell. "I never eat beef, nor horse, nor anything of that sort," +answered the astonished and indignant epicure.</p> + + + +<h3>BATHOS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> years ago, during a discussion respecting the Bank of Waterford, an +Honourable Member said, "I conjure the Right Honourable the Chancellor +of the Exchequer to pause in his dangerous career, and desist from a +course only calculated to inflict innumerable calamities on my +country—to convulse the entire system of society with anarchy and +revolution—to shake the very pillars of civil government itself—and to +cause <i>a fall in the price of butter in Waterford</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>DANGEROUS VISITS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> who was recently called into court, for the purpose of proving +the correctness of a doctor's bill, was asked by the lawyer whether the +doctor did not make several visits after the patient was out of danger? +"No," replied the witness, "I considered the patient in danger as long +as the doctor continued his visits!"</p> + + + +<h3>NONSENSE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Being</span> asked to give a definition of nonsense, Dr. Johnson replied, "Sir, +it is nonsense to bolt a door with a boiled carrot."</p> + + + +<h3>CONCEIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">I believe</span> every created crittur in the world thinks that he's the most +entertainin' one on it, and that there's no gettin' on anyhow without +him. <i>Consait grows as natural as the hair on one's head, but is longer +in comin' out.</i>—<i>Sam Slick's Wise Saws.</i></p> + + + +<h3>KISSING BY PROXY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the deacons of a certain church asked the bishop if he usually +kissed the bride at weddings.</p> + +<p>"Always," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next +question.</p> + +<p>"In all such cases," replied the bishop, "the duty of kissing is +appointed to the deacons!"</p> + + + +<h3>A BARGAIN.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I reckon</span> I couldn't drive a trade with you to-day, squire?" said a +genuine specimen of a Yankee pedler, as he stood at the door of a +certain merchant in St. Louis.</p> + +<p>"I reckon you calculate about right, for you can't," was the sneering +reply.</p> + +<p>"Wall, I guess you needn't get huffy 'bout it. Now here's a dozen +ginooine razer strops—worth two dollars and a half; you may have 'em +for two dollars."</p> + +<p>"I tell you I don't want any of your strops—so you may as well be going +along."</p> + +<p>"Wall, now, look here, squire, I'll bet you five dollars, that if you +make me an offer for them 'ere strops, we'll have a trade yet!"</p> + +<p>"Done!" replied the merchant, placing the money in the hands of a +bystander. The Yankee deposited a like sum.</p> + +<p>"Now," said the merchant, "I'll give you a picayune for the strops."</p> + +<p>"They're yourn," said the Yankee, as he quietly pocketed the stakes.</p> + +<p>"But," said he, after a little reflection, and with great apparent +honesty, "I'll trade back."</p> + +<p>The merchant's countenance brightened.</p> + +<p>"You are not so bad a chap, after all," said he. "Here are your +strops—give me the money."</p> + +<p>"There it is," said the Yankee, as he received the strops and passed +over the sixpence. "A trade is a trade; and, now you are wide awake, the +next time you trade with that 'ere sixpence you'll do a little better +than buy razer strops."</p> + +<p>And away walked the pedler with his strops and his wager, amidst the +shouts of the laughing crowd.</p> + + + +<h3>CONUNDRUMS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">What</span> is the difference between a big man and a little man?—One is a +tall fellow and the other not at all.</p> + +<p>Why is a betting-list keeper like a bride?—Because he's taken for +better or worse.</p> + +<p>Why is a person asking questions the strangest of all +individuals?—Because he's the querist.</p> + +<p>Why is a thief called a "jail-bird?"—Because he has been a "robbin."</p> + +<p>Why should an editor look upon it as ominous when a correspondent signs +himself "Nemo?"—Because there is an omen in the very letters.</p> + + + +<h3>READY REPLY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> asked a friend, in a somewhat knowing manner, "Pray, sir, +did you ever see a cat-fish?" "No," was the response, "but I've seen a +rope walk."</p> + + + +<h3>A YANKEE PRAYER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the State of Ohio, there resided a family, consisting of an old man, +of the name of Beaver, and his three sons, all of whom were hard "pets," +who had often laughed to scorn the advice and entreaties of a pious, +though very eccentric, minister, who resided in the same town. It +happened one of the boys was bitten by a rattlesnake, and was expected +to die, when the minister was sent for in great haste. On his arrival, +he found the young man very penitent, and anxious to be prayed with. The +minister calling on the family, knelt down, and prayed in this wise:—"O +Lord! we thank thee for rattlesnakes. We thank thee because a +rattlesnake has bit Jim. We pray thee send a rattlesnake to bite John; +send one to bite Bill; send one to bite Sam; and, O Lord! send the +biggest kind of a rattlesnake to bite the old man; for nothing but +rattlesnakes will ever bring the Beaver family to repentance."</p> + + + +<h3>CHIEF JUSTICE BUSHE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Counsellor</span> (afterwards Chief Justice) Bushe, being asked which of Mr. +Power's company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The +prompter; for I heard the most, and saw the least of him."</p> + + + +<h3>PRESENCE OF MIND.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">I once</span> observed to a Scotch lady, "how desirable it was in any danger +<i>to have presence of mind</i>." "I had rather," she rejoined, "<i>have +absence of body</i>."—<i>Rogers' Table-talk.</i></p> + + + +<h3>GLORY WITHOUT DANGER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> hearing the drum beat up for volunteers for France, in the +expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and +thereupon enlisted himself; returning again, he was asked by his +friends, "what exploits he had performed there?" He said, "that he had +cut off one of the enemy's legs;" and being told that it would have been +more honorable and manly to have cut off his head, said, "Oh! you must +know his head was cut off before."</p> + + + +<h3>LORD CHESTERFIELD.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Witticisms</span> are often attributed to the wrong people. It was Lord +Chesterfield, not Sheridan, who said, on occasion of a certain marriage, +that "Nobody's son had married Everybody's daughter."</p> + +<p>Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a minuet, that "they +looked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being paid."</p> + + + +<h3>UNANIMITY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> parson, in his prayer, said, "Lord, bless the grand council, +the parliament, and grant that they may hang together." A country fellow +standing by, replied, "Yes, sir, with all my heart, and the sooner the +better—and I am sure it is the prayer of all good people." "But, +friends," said the parson, "I don't mean as that fellow does, but pray +they may all hang together in accord and concord." "No matter what +cord," replied the other, "so 'tis but a strong one."</p> + + + +<h3>SIMPLICITY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Bishop of Oxford, having sent round to the churchwardens in his +diocese a circular of inquiries, among which was:—"Does your +officiating clergyman preach the gospel, and is his conversation and +carriage consistent therewith?" The churchwarden near Wallingford +replied:—"He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage."</p> + + + +<h3>PATRIOTISM AND LIBERALITY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> solicitor for the Mount Vernon fund visited one of the schools in +Boston, says the Bee, to collect offerings from the children. On the +dismission of the school, one of the boys went home, and said to his +father—"Papa! General Washington's wife came to our school to-day, +trying to raise some money to buy a graveyard for him where he's buried, +and I want a dime to put into the contribution-box." In an ecstasy of +patriotism the gentleman contributed.</p> + + + +<h3>SHERIDAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of +Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the +debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished +to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed +he, with great emphasis, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a +more knavish fool than he?" "Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome +member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt +information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.</p> + + + +<h3>THE WAY TO WIN A KISS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Mr. Bush used to tell a story of a brother barrister:—As the +coach was about starting, before breakfast, the modest limb of the law +approached the landlady, a pretty Quakeress, who was seated near the +fire, and said he "could not think of going without giving her a kiss." +"Friend," said she, "thee must not do it." "Oh! by heavens, I will!" +replied the barrister. "Well, friend, as thou hast sworn, thee may do +it; but thee must not make a practice of it."</p> + + + +<h3>A BUTCHER'S COMPLIMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the Bristol market, a lady laying her hand on a joint of veal, said, +"I think, Mr. F., this veal is not quite so white as usual." "Put on +your <i>glove</i>, madam," replied the dealer, "and you will think +differently." It may be needless to remark, that the veal was ordered +home without another word of objection.</p> + + + +<h3>DRUNKENNESS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> finding his servant intoxicated, said—"What, drunk again, +Sam! I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you are drunk +again." "No, massa, same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied Sambo.</p> + + + +<h3>CAN'T BE BEAT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lively</span> Hibernian exclaimed, at a party where Theodore Hook shone as +the evening star, "Och, Master Theodore, but you're the hook that nobody +can bait."</p> + + + +<h3>MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S LETTER FROM PARIS.[<a href="#note">*</a><a name="return" id="return"></a>]</h3> + + +<p> +<i>Paris, December 10th, 1823.</i><br /> +</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">My dear Mr. Bull</span>,—Having often heard travelers lament not having put +down what they call <i>memorybillious</i> of their journies, I was determined +while I was on my <i>tower</i>, to keep a <i>dairy</i> (so called from containing +the cream of one's information), and record everything which recurred to +me—therefore I begin with my departure from London.</p> + +<p>Resolving to take time by the <i>firelock</i>, we left Montague Place at 7 +o'clock by Mr. Fulmer's pocket thermometer, and proceeded over +Westminister Bridge to <i>explode</i> the European Continent. I never pass +Whitehall without dropping a tear to the memory of Charles the Second, +who was decimated, after the rebellion of 1745, opposite the Horse +Guards—his memorable speech to Archbishop Caxon rings in my ears +whenever I pass the spot. I reverted my head and affected to look to see +what o'clock it was by the dial, on the opposite side of the way. It is +quite impossible not to notice the improvements in this part of the +town, the beautiful view which one gets of Westminster Hall and its +curious roof, after which, as everybody knows, its builder was called +William Roofus.</p> + +<p>Amongst the lighter specimens of modern architecture is Ashley's +<i>ampletheatre</i>, on your right, as you cross the bridge (which was built, +Mr. Fulmer informed me, by the Court of Arches and House of Peers). In +this ampletheatre there are Equestrian performances, so called because +they are exhibited <i>nightly</i> during the season.</p> + +<p>The toll at the Marsh Gate is <i>ris</i> since we last came through—it was +here we were to have taken up Lavinia's friend, Mr. Smith, who has +promised to go with us to Dover—but we found his servant instead of +himself with a <i>billy</i>, to say he was sorry he could not come, because +his friend, Sir John Somebody, wished him to stay and go down to <i>Poll</i> +at Lincoln. I have no doubt that this <i>Poll</i>, whoever she may be, is a +very respectable young woman, but mentioning her by her Christian name +only in so abrupt a manner had a very unpleasant appearance at any rate. +Nothing remarkable occurred till we reached the <i>Obstacle</i> in St. +George's Fields, where our attention was arrested by those great +Institutions—the school for the <i>Indignant</i> Blind, and the +<i>Misanthropic</i> Society for making shoes, both of which claim the +gratitude of the nation. At the bottom of the lane, leading to Peckham, +I saw that they had removed the <i>Dollygraph</i> which used to stand upon +the declivity to the right of the road—the Dollygraphs are all to be +superseded by <i>Serampores</i>.</p> + +<p>When we came to the Green Man at Blackheath, we had an opportunity of +noticing the errors of former travellers, for the heath is green and the +man is black. Mr. Fulmer endeavoured to account for this, by saying, +that Mr. Colman has discovered that Moors being black, and heaths being +a kind of moor, he looks upon the confusion of words as the cause of the +mistake. N. B.—Mr. Colman is the <i>itinerary</i> surgeon, who constantly +resides at St. Pancras. As we went near Woolwich, we saw at a distance +the Artillery Officers on a common, a firing away in mortars like +anything. At Dartford they make gunpowder—here we changed horses. At +the inn we saw a most beautiful <i>Roderick Random</i> in a pot covered with +flowers—it is the finest I ever saw, except those at Dropmore. When we +got to Rochester, we went to the Crown Inn and had a cold +<i>collection</i>—the charge was <i>absorbant</i>. I had often heard my poor dear +husband talk of the influence of the Crown, and the Bill of <i>Wrights</i>, +but I had no idea what it really meant, till we had to pay one.</p> + +<p>As we passed near Chatham, I saw several <i>Pitts</i>, and Mr. Fulmer shewed +me a great many buildings—I believe he said they were <i>fortyfications</i>, +but I think there must have been fifty of them; he also showed me the +Lines at Chatham, which I saw quite distinctly, with the clothes drying +on them. Rochester was remarkable in King Charles's time, for being a +very witty and dissolute place, as I have read in books.</p> + +<p>At Canterbury, we stopped ten minutes to visit all the remarkable +buildings and curiosities in it, and about its neighborhood; the church +is most beautiful. When Oliver Cromwell conquered William the Third, he +<i>perverted</i> it into a stable—the stalls are now standing. The old +<i>Virgin</i>, who shewed us the church, wore buckskin <i>breaches and +powder</i>—he said it was an archypiscopal sea—but I saw no sea, nor do I +think it possible he could see it either, for it is at least seventeen +miles off. We saw Mr. Thomas à Beckett's tomb—my poor husband was +extremely intimate with the old gentleman, and one of his nephews, a +very nice young man, who lives near Golden Square, dined with us twice, +I think, in London. In Trinity Chapel is the monument of Eau de Cologne, +just as it is now exhibiting at the <i>Diarrhœa</i> in the Regent's Park. +It was late when we got to Dover. We walked about while our dinner was +preparing, looking forward to our snug tête-à-tête of three. We went to +look at the sea—so called, perhaps, from the uninterrupted view one has +when upon it. It was very curious to see the locks to keep the water +here, and the <i>keys</i> which are on each side of them, all ready, I +suppose, to open them if they are wanted. We were awake with the owl +next morning, and a walking away before eight, we went to see the +castle,—which was built, the man told us, by Seizer, so called, I +conclude, from seizing everything he could lay his hands upon. The man +said moreover that he had invaded Britain and conquered it, upon which I +told him, that if he repeated such a thing in my presence again, I +should write to the Government about him. We saw the inn where Alexander +the <i>Autograph</i> of all the Russians lived when he was here—and as we +were going along, we met twenty or thirty dragons mounted on horses, and +the ensign who commanded them was a friend of Mr. Fulmer's—he looked at +Lavinia and seemed pleased with her <i>Tooting assembly</i>—he was quite a +"sine qua non" of a man, and wore tips on his lips, like Lady Hopkins' +poodle. I heard Mr. Fulmer say he was a son of <i>Marrs</i>; he spoke as if +everybody knew his father, so I suppose he must be the son of the poor +gentleman who was so barbarously murdered some years ago, near Ratcliff +Highway—if he is, he is uncommon genteel. At 12 o'clock we got into a +boat and rowed to the packet; it was a very fine and clear day for the +season, and Mr. Fulmer said he should not dislike pulling Lavinia about +all the morning—this, I believe, was a <i>naughty-call</i> phrase—which I +did not rightly comprehend, because Mr. F. never offered to talk in that +way on shore to either of us. The packet is not a <i>parcel</i>, as I +imagined, in which we were to be made up for exportation, but a boat of +very considerable size; it is called a cutter—why I do not know, and +did not like to ask. It was very curious to see how it rolled +about—however I felt quite mal-á-propos—and instead of exciting any of +the soft sensibility of the other sex, a great unruly man, who held the +handle of the ship, bid me lay hold of a companion, and when I sought +his arm for protection, he introduced me to a ladder, down which I +<i>ascended</i> into the cabin, one of the most curious places I ever +beheld—where ladies and gentlemen are put upon shelves like books in a +library, and where tall men are doubled up like bootjacks, before they +can be put away at all. A gentleman in a heavy cap without his coat laid +me perpendicular on a mattrass, with a basin by my side, and said that +was my birth. I thought it would have been my death, for I never was so +ill-disposed in all my life. I behaved extremely ill to a very amiable +middle-aged gentleman, who had the misfortune to be attending on his +wife, in a little bed under me. There was no <i>symphony</i> to be found +among the tars (so called from their smell), for just before we went off +I heard them throw a painter overboard, and directly after they called +out to one another to hoist up the ensign. I was too ill to inquire what +the poor young gentleman had done; but after I came up stairs, I did not +see his body hanging anywhere, so I conclude they cut him down—I hope +it was not young Mr. Marr, a venturing after my Lavy. I was quite +shocked to find what democrats the sailors are—they seem to hate the +nobility—especially the law lords. The way I discovered this <i>apathy</i> +of theirs to the nobility, was this—the very moment we lost sight of +England and were close to France, they began, one and all, to swear +first at the Peer, and then at the Bar, in such gross terms as made my +very blood run cold. I was quite pleased to see Lavinia sitting with Mr. +Fulmer in the traveling carriage on the outside of the packet; but +Lavinia afforded great proofs of her good bringing up, by commanding her +feelings. It is curious what could have agitated the <i>billy ducks</i> of +my stomach, because I took every precaution which is recommended in +different books to prevent ill-disposition. I had some mutton chops at +breakfast, some Scotch marmalade on bread and butter, two eggs, two cups +of coffee, and three of tea, besides toast, a little fried whiting, some +potted char, and a few shrimps, and after breakfast I took a glass of +warm white wine negus and a few oysters, which lasted me till we got +into the boat, where I began eating gingerbread nuts all the way to the +packet, and there was persuaded to take a glass of bottled porter to +keep everything snug and comfortable.</p> + +<p><span style="margin-left: 6em;">Adieu,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Yours truly,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 8em;"><span class="smcap">Dorothea Julia Ramsbottom</span></span>.<br /> +</p> + +<p>[<a name="note" id="note"></a><a href="#return">*</a>] This jeu d'esprit is attributed to Theodore Hook.</p> + + + +<h3>VERY BUSY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one asked a lad how it was he was so short for his age? He replied, +"Father keeps me so busy I haint time to grow."</p> + + + +<h3>JOHN BULL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> English are a calm, reflecting people; they will give time and money +when they are convinced; but they love dates, names, and certificates. +In the midst of the most heart-rending narratives, Bull requires the day +of the month, the year of our Lord, the name of the parish, and the +countersign of three or four respectable householders. After these +affecting circumstances, he can no longer hold out; but gives way to the +kindness of his nature—puffs, blubbers, and subscribes!—<i>Sydney +Smith.</i></p> + + + +<h3>YANKEE INGENUITY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> some of our towns we don't allow smokin' in the streets, though most +of them we do, and where it is agin law, it is two dollars fine in a +gineral way. Well, Sassy went down to Boston, to do a little chore of +business there, where this law was, only he didn't know it. So, soon as +he gets off the coach, he outs with his case, takes a cigar, lights it, +and walks on, smoking like a furnace flue. No sooner said than done. Up +steps a constable and says, "I'll trouble you for two dollars for +smokin' agin law, in the streets." Sassy was as quick as wink on him. +"Smokin'!" says he; "I warn't a smokin'." "O, my!" says constable, "how +you talk, man! I won't say you lie, 'cause it aint polite, but it's very +like the way I talk when I fib. Didn't I see you with my own eyes?" +"No," says Sassy, "you didn't. It don't do always to believe your own +eyes, they can't be depended on more than other people's. I never trust +mine, I can assure you. I own I had a cigar in my mouth, but it was +because I liked the flavor of tobacco, but not to smoke. I take it don't +convene with the dignity of a free and enlightened citizen of our +almighty nation, to break the law, seein' that he makes the law himself, +and is his own sovereign, and his own subject, too. No, I warn't +smokin', and if you don't believe me, try this cigar yourself, and see +if it aint so. It han't got no fire in it." Well, constable takes the +cigar, puts it into his mug, and draws away at it, and out comes the +smoke like anythin'. "I'll trouble <i>you</i> for two dollars, Mr. High +Sheriff's representative," says Sassy, "for smokin' in the streets; do +you underconstand, my old coon?" Well, constable was taken all aback; he +was finely bit. "Stranger," says he, "where was you raised?" "To Canady +line," says Sassy. "Well," says he, "you're a credit to your broughtens +up. We'll let the fine drop, for we are about even, I guess. Let's +liquor," and he took him into a bar and treated him to a mint julep. It +was generally considered a great bite, that, and I must say, I don't +think it was bad—do you?—<i>Sam Slick.</i></p> + + + +<h3>COMFORTABLE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span>, when surprised, one evening, in his arm-chair, two or +three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologised, by saying: +"When one is alone, the bottle <i>does</i> come round so often." It was Sir +Hercules Langrishe, who, being asked, on a similar occasion, "Have you +finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, +"No, not quite that; I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira."</p> + + + +<h3>HORNE TOOKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Horne Tooke was at school, the boys asked him "what his father +was?" Tooke answered, "A Turkey merchant." (He was a poulterer.)</p> + +<p>He once said to his brother, a pompous man, "You and I have reversed the +natural course of things; you have risen by your gravity; I have sunk by +my levity."</p> + +<p>To Judge Ashhurst's remark, that the law was open to all, both to the +rich and to the poor, Tooke replied, "So is the London tavern."</p> + +<p>He said that Hume wrote his history, as witches say their +prayers—backwards.</p> + + + +<h3>LAMB AND ERSKINE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Counsellor</span> Lamb, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his +reputation, was of timid manners and nervous disposition, usually +prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one +occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark +that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older." "No +wonder," replied the witty, but relentless barrister; "every one knows +the older a <i>lamb</i> grows, the more <i>sheepish</i> he becomes."</p> + + + +<h3>THE TRUTH TOLD BY MISTAKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">I shall</span> not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of +the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth:—"We are +come," said he, "for your good—for <i>all</i> your <i>goods</i>." "A universal +principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other +truths, only told by mistake."—<i>Ethel Churchill.</i></p> + + + +<h3>TALLEYRAND'S WIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Talleyrand</span> being asked, if a certain authoress, whom he had long since +known, but who belonged rather to the last age, was not "a little +tiresome?" "Not at all," said he, "she was perfectly tiresome."</p> + +<p>A gentleman in company was one day making a somewhat zealous eulogy of +his mother's beauty, dwelling upon the topic at uncalled for length—he +himself having certainly inherited no portion of that kind under the +marriage of his parents. "It was your father, then, apparently, who may +not have been very well favoured," was Talleyrand's remark, which at +once released the circle from the subject.</p> + +<p>When Madame de Staël published her celebrated novel of <i>Delphine</i>, she +was supposed to have painted herself in the person of the heroine, and +M. Talleyrand in that of an elderly lady, who is one of the principal +characters. "They tell me," said he, the first time he met her, "that we +are both of us in your novel, in the disguise of women."</p> + +<p>Rulhières, the celebrated author of the work on the Polish revolution, +having said, "I never did but one mischievous work in my life." "And +when will it be ended?" was Talleyrand's reply.</p> + +<p>"Is not Geneva dull?" asked a friend of Talleyrand. "Especially when +they amuse themselves," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"She is insupportable," said Talleyrand, with marked emphasis, of one +well known; but, as if he had gone too far, and to take off something of +what he had said, he added, "it is her only defect."</p> + + + +<h3>BUSSING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Buss</span>—to kiss. Re-bus—to kiss again. Blunder-buss—two girls kissing +each other. Omni-bus—to kiss all the girls in the room. Bus-ter—a +general kisser. <i>E pluri</i>-bus <i>unum</i>—a thousand kisses in one.</p> + + + +<h3>WANTED.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> want a flogging, that's what you do;" said a parent to his unruly +son. "I know it, dad; but I'll try to get along without it," replied the +brat.</p> + + + +<h3>NATIONAL SCHOOL SCENES.</h3> + + +<p class="c sml">The following anecdotes were told by the late Bishop of Chichester, +as having occurred to himself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the annual examination of the Charity Schools, around the city of +Chichester, he was seated in the front row of the school room, together +with his daughters, and the family of the noble house of Richmond, when +the Bishop kindly took part in the examination, and put several +questions. To one boy, he said, "We have all sinned and come short of +the glory of God. Now, does that passage mean that <i>every one</i> of us has +sinned?" The boy hesitated—but upon a repetition of the question, the +lad replied, "Every one except your Lordship, and the company sitting on +the front form." The same Bishop, at one of his Confirmations, saw a +school girl inclined to be inattentive and troublesome; he therefore +held up his finger as a warning. These children, being accustomed to +<i>signs</i> from their teachers, of which they were expected to declare the +meaning, did not suppose that the elevation of the Bishop's finger, was +an exception to their general rule of reply to such tokens, they +therefore all arose together, and from the middle of the Church +exclaimed in an exulting tone, "<i>perpendicular</i>," to the astonishment +and consternation of the better inclined, and to the amusement, we fear, +of not a few of the congregation.</p> + + + +<h3>MRS. PARTINGTON.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">So</span> there's another rupture of Mount Vociferous," said Mrs. Partington, +as she put up her specs; "the paper tells us about the burning lather +running down the mountain, but it don't tell how it got a fire."</p> + + + +<h3>AN HIBERNIAN M. P.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> laughable incident occurred in the House of Commons. An Irish +member, whose name I will not mention, having risen, he was assailed by +loud cries of "Spoke! Spoke!" meaning, that having spoken once already, +he had no right to do it a second time. He had, evidently, a second +speech struggling in his breast for an introduction into the world, when +seeing after remaining for some time on his legs, that there was not the +slightest chance of being suffered to deliver a sentence of it, he +observed, with imperturbable gravity, and in a rich Tipperary brogue, +"If honorable gintlemin suppose that I was going to spake again, they +are quite mistaken. I merely rose for the purpose of saying that I had +nothing more to say on the subject." The house was convulsed with +laughter, for a few seconds afterwards, at the exceeding ready wit of +the Hibernian M. P.—<i>Random Recollections of the Lords and +Commons.—New Series.</i></p> + + + +<h3>MODESTY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a young lady down east, so excessively modest, that every night +before retiring, she closes the window curtain, to prevent the "man in +the moon" from looking in. She is related to the young lady who would +not allow the <i>Christian Observer</i> to remain in her room over night.</p> + + + +<h3>AMERICAN TOAST.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> ladies; the only endurable aristocracy, who rule without +laws—judge without jury—decide without appeal, and are never in the +wrong."</p> + + + +<h3>PASSING A COUNTERFEIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Diggs</span> saw a note lying on the ground, but knew that it was a +counterfeit, and walked on without picking it up. He told the story to +Smithers, when the latter said:</p> + +<p>"Do you know, Diggs, you have committed a very grave offence?"</p> + +<p>"Why, what have I done?"</p> + +<p>"You have passed a counterfeit bill, knowing it to be such," said +Smithers, without a smile, and fled.</p> + + + +<h3>LORD CHESTERFIELD.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord</span> Chesterfield being given to understand that he would die by inches, +very philosophically replied, "If that be the case, I am happy that I am +not so tall as Sir Thomas Robinson."</p> + + + +<h3>A PENNY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A good</span> woman called on Dr. B—— one day in a great deal of trouble, and +complained that her son had swallowed a penny. "Pray madam," said the +Doctor, "was it a counterfeit?" "No, Sir, certainly not;" was the reply. +"Then it will pass, of course," rejoined the facetious physician.</p> + + + +<h3>JOHNSON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonata on +the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the +philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? "No +madam," replied the doctor; "but of all noises I think music is the +least disagreeable."</p> + + + +<h3>CLEVER LAMPOON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Upon</span> Frederick Prince of Wales, son of George the Second, a prince whom +people of all parties are now agreed in thinking no very great worthy, +nor superior to what a lively woman has here written upon him; for if we +understand Horace Walpole rightly, who says the verses were found among +her papers, they were the production of the Honourable Miss Rollo, +probably daughter of the fourth Lord Rollo, who was implicated in the +rebellion. Frederick was familiarly termed <i>Feckie</i> and <i>Fed</i>.</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Here lies Prince Fed,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Gone down among the dead.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Had it been his father,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">We had much rather;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Had it been his mother,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Better than any other;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Had it been his sister,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Few would have miss'd her;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Had it been the whole generation,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Ten times better for the nation;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">But since 'tis only Fed,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">There's no more to be said."</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>IN HIS SHIRT SLEEVES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A good</span> story is told of a "country gentleman," who, for the first time, +heard an Episcopal clergyman preach. He had read much of the aristocracy +and pride of the church, and when he returned home he was asked if the +people were "stuck up." "Pshaw! no," replied he, "why the minister +preached in his shirt-sleeves."</p> + + + +<h3>A MORMON PREACHER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> <i>Boston Herald</i>, in announcing the death of Elder G. Adams, a Mormon +preacher, says:—"On his second visit to Boston, the Elder preached, +baptized converts, whipped a newspaper editor, and played a star +engagement at the National Theatre. He was industrious, and filled up +all his time. We have a fund of anecdotes concerning this strange +mortal, which we shall be glad to print at some other time. We close +this article by briefly adverting to the chastisement he gave an editor, +for strongly criticising his performance of <i>Richard III</i>. The office of +the editor was in Washington street, where Propeller now keeps. Adams +armed himself with a cowhide, and watched for his victim. Soon, the +unsuspecting fellow came down the stairs, and Adams sprang upon him, +exclaiming, "The Lord has delivered thee into my hands, and I shall give +thee forty stripes, save one, Scripture measure. Brother Graham, keep +tally." So saying, he proceeded to lay on the punishment with hearty +good will. In the meantime, a large crowd had gathered around the +avenging priest and the delinquent. When the tally was up, Adams let the +man go, and addressed the crowd as follows: "Men and brethren, my name +is Elder George J. Adams, preacher of the everlasting gospel. I have +chastised mine enemy. I go this afternoon to fulfil an engagement at the +Providence Theatre, where I shall play one of Shakspeare's immortal +creations. I shall return to this city, at the end of the week, and +will, by divine permission, preach three times next Sabbath, on the +immortality of the soul, the eternity of matter, and in answer to the +question 'Who is the Devil?' May grace and peace be with you.—Amen!"</p> + + + +<h3>JOHN KEMBLE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">John Kemble</span> was often very amusing when he had had a good deal of wine. +He and two friends were returning to town, in an open carriage, from the +Priory, (Lord Abercorn's,) where they had dined; and as they were +waiting for change at a toll-gate, Kemble, to the amazement of the +toll-keeper, called out, in the tone of Rolla, "We seek no <i>change</i>; +and, least of all, such <i>change</i> as he would bring us."</p> + + + +<h3>A SURPRISE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A green</span> 'un, who had never before seen a steamboat, fell through the +hatchway, down into the hold, and being unhurt, thus loudly expressed +his surprise—"Well, if the darned thing aint holler."</p> + + + +<h3>QUEER DUEL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Englishman and a Frenchman having quarrelled, they were to fight a +duel. Being both great cowards, they agreed (for their mutual safety, of +course) that the duel should take place in a room perfectly dark. The +Englishman had to fire first. He groped his way to the hearth, fired up +the chimney, and brought down—the Frenchman, who had taken refuge +there.</p> + + + +<h3>LAWYERS.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">A lawyer</span>," said Lord Brougham, in a facetious mood, "is a learned +gentleman, who rescues your estate from your enemies, and keeps it +himself."</p> + + + +<h3>A FRENCHMAN PUZZLED WITH THE WORD "BOX."</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>—In the course of my study in the English language, which I made now +for three years, I always read your periodically, and now think myself +capable to write at your Magazin. I love always the modesty, or you +shall have a letter of me very long time pass. But, never mind. I would +well tell you, that I am come to this country to instruct me in the +manners, the customs, the habits, the policies, and the other affairs +general of Great Britain. And truly I think me good fortunate, being +received in many families, so as I can to speak your language now with +so much facility as the French.</p> + +<p>I am but a particular gentleman, come here for that what I said; but, +since I learn to comprehend the language, I discover that I am become an +object of pleasantry, and for himself to mock, to one of your comedians +even before I put my foot upon the ground at Douvres. He was Mr. Mathew, +who tell of some contretems of me and your word detestable <i>Box</i>. Well, +never mind. I know at present how it happen, because I see him since in +some parties and dinners; and he confess he love much to go travel and +mix himself altogether up with the stage coach and vapouring boat for +fun, what he bring at his theatre.</p> + +<p>Well, never mind. He see me, perhaps, to ask a question in the +paque-bot—but he not confess after, that he goed and bribe the garçon +at the hotel and the coachman to mystify me with all the boxes; but, +very well, I shall tell you how it arrived, so as you shall see that it +was impossible that a stranger could miss to be perplexed, and to +advertise the travellers what will come after, that they shall converse +with the gentleman and not with the badinstructs.</p> + +<p>But, it must that I begin. I am a gentleman, and my goods are in the +public rentes, and a chateau with a handsome propriety on the banks of +the Loire, which I lend to a merchant English, who pay me very well in +London for my expenses. Very well. I like the peace nevertheless that I +was force, at other time, to go to war with Napoleon. But it is passed. +So I come to Paris in my proper post-chaise, where I selled him, and +hire one, for almost nothing at all, for bring me to Calais all alone, +because I will not bring my valet to speak French here where all the +world is ignorant.</p> + +<p>The morning following, I get upon the vapouring boat to walk so far as +Douvres. It was fine day, and after I am recover myself of a malady of +the sea, I walk myself about the ship, and I see a great mechanic of +wood with iron wheel, and thing to push up inside, and handle to turn. +It seemed to be ingenious, and proper to hoist great burdens. They use +it for shoving the timber, what come down of the vessel, into the place; +and they tell me it was call "Jacques in the <i>box</i>:" and I was very much +pleased with the invention so novel.</p> + +<p>Very well. I go again promenade upon the board of the vessel, and I look +at the compass, and little boy sailor come and sit him down, and begin +to chatter like the little monkey. Then the man that turns a wheel about +and about laugh, and say, "Very well, Jacques," but I not understand one +word the little fellow say. So I make inquire, and they tell me he was +"<i>box</i> the compass." I was surprise, but I tell myself, "Well, never +mind;" and so we arrive at Douvres. I find myself enough well in the +hotel, but as there has been no <i>table d'hôte</i>, I ask for some dinner, +and it was long time I wait: and so I walk myself to the customary +house, and give the key to my portmanteau to the douaniers, or +excisemen, as you call, for them to see as I had no smuggles in my +equipage. Very well. I return at my hotel, and meet one of the waiters, +who tell me (after I stand little moment to the door to see the world +what pass by upon a coach at the instant), "Sir," he say, "your dinner +is ready." "Very well," I make response, "where was it?" "This way, +Sir," he answer, "I have put it in a <i>box</i> in the <i>café</i> room." "Well, +never mind," I say to myself, "when a man himself finds in a stranger +country, he must be never surprised. '<i>Nil admirari.</i>' Keep the eyes +open and stare at nothing at all."</p> + +<p>I found my dinner only there there, because I was so soon come from +France; but, I learn, another sort of the box was a partition and table +particular in a saloon, and I keep there when I eated some good sole +fritted, and some not cooked mutton cutlet; and a gentleman what was put +in another <i>box</i>, perhaps Mr. Mathew, because nobody not can know him +twice, like a cameleon he is, call for the "pepper-<i>box</i>." Very well. I +take a cup of coffee, and then all my hards and portmanteau come with a +wheel-barrow; and, because it was my resolution to voyage up at London +with the coach, and I find my many little things was not convenient, I +ask the waiter where I may buy a night sack, or get them tie up all +together in a burden. He was well attentive at my cares, and responded, +that he shall find me a <i>box</i> to put them all into. Well, I say nothing +to all but "Yes," for fear to discover my ignorance; so he brings the +little <i>box</i> for the clothes and things into the great <i>box</i> what I was +put into; and he did my affairs in it very well. Then I ask him for some +spectacle in the town, and he sent boot boy with me so far as the +theatre, and I go in to pay. It was shabby poor little place, but the +man what set to have the money, when I say, "How much," asked me if I +would not go into the <i>boxes</i>. "Very well," I say, "never mind—oh +yes—to be sure;" and I find very soon the <i>box</i> was the loge, same +thing. I had not understanding sufficient in your tongue then to +comprehend all what I hear—only one poor maiger doctor, what had been +to give his physic too long time at a cavalier old man, was condemned to +swallow up a whole <i>box</i> of his proper pills. "Very well," I say, "that +must be egregious. It is cannot be possible," but they bring a little +<i>box</i> not more grand nor my thumb. It seemed to be to me very +ridiculous; so I returned to my hotel at despair how I could possibility +learn a language what meant so many differents in one word.</p> + +<p>I found the same waiter, who, so soon as I come in, tell me—"Sir, did +you not say that you would go by the coach to-morrow morning?" I +replied—"Yes; and I have bespeaked a seat out of the side, because I +shall wish to amuse myself with the country, and you have no cabriolets +in your coaches." "Sir," he say, very polite, "if you shall allow me, I +would recommend you the <i>box</i>, and then the coachman shall tell +everything." "Very well," I reply, "yes—to be sure—I shall have a +<i>box</i> then—yes;" and then I demanded a fire into my chamber, because I +think myself enrhumed upon the sea, and the maid of the chamber come to +send me in bed: but I say, "No so quick, if you please; I will write to +some friend how I find myself in England. Very well—here is the fire, +but perhaps it shall go out before I have finish." She was pretty +laughing young woman, and say, "Oh no, Sir, if you pull the bell, the +porter, who sits up all night, will come, unless you like to attend to +it yourself, and then you will find the coal-<i>box</i> in the closet." +Well—I say nothing but "Yes—oh yes." But, when she is gone, I look +direct into the closet, and see a <i>box</i> not no more like none of the +other <i>boxes</i> what I see all day than nothing.</p> + +<p>Well—I write at my friends, and then I tumble about when I wake, and +dream in the sleep what should possible be the description of the <i>box</i>, +what I must be put in to-morrow for my voyage.</p> + +<p>In the morning, it was very fine time, I see the coach at the door, and +I walk all around before they bring the horses; but I see nothing what +they can call <i>boxes</i>, only the same kind as what my little business was +put into. So I ask for the post of letters at a little boots boy, who +showed me by the Quay, and tell me, pointing by his finger at a +window—"There see, there was the letter-<i>box</i>," and I perceive a +crevice. "Very well—all <i>box</i> again to-day," I say, and give my letter +to the master of postes, and go away again at the coach, where I very +soon find out what was coach-<i>box</i>, and mount myself upon it. Then come +the coachman habilitated like the gentleman, and the first word he say +was—"Keep horses! Bring my <i>box</i>-coat!" and he push up a grand capote +with many scrapes.</p> + +<p>"But—never mind," I say; "I shall see all the <i>boxes</i> in time." So he +kick his leg upon the board, and cry "cheat!" and we are out into the +country in lesser than one minute, and roll at so grand pace, what I +have had fear we will be reversed. But after little times, I take +courage and we begin to entertain together: but I hear one of the wheels +cry squeak, so I tell him, "Sir, one of the wheel would be greased;" +then he make reply nonchalancely, "Oh it is nothing but one of the +<i>boxes</i> what is too tight." But it is very long time after as I learn +that wheel a <i>box</i> was pipe of iron what go turn round upon the axle.</p> + +<p>Well—we fly away at the pace of charge. I see great castles, many; then +come a pretty house of country well ornamented, and I make inquire what +it should be. "Oh!" responded he, "I not remember the gentleman's name, +but it is what we call a snug country <i>box</i>."</p> + +<p>Then I feel myself abymed at despair, and begin to suspect that he +amused himself. But, still I tell myself, "Well, never mind; we shall +see." And then after sometimes, there come another house, all alone in a +forest, not ornated at all. "What, how you call that?" I demand of +him—"Oh!" he responded again, "that is a shooting-<i>box</i> of Lord +Killfot's." "Oh!" I cry at last out," that is little too strong;" but he +hoisted his shoulders and say nothing. Well, we come at a house of +country, ancient with the trees cut like some peacocks, and I +demand—"What you call these trees?" "<i>Box</i>, Sir," he tell me. "Devil is +in the <i>box</i>," I say at myself. "But, never mind; we shall see." So I +myself refreshed with a pinch of snuff and offer him, and he take very +polite, and remark upon an instant—"That is a very handsome <i>box</i> of +yours, Sir."</p> + +<p>"Morbleu!" I exclaimed with inadvertencyness, but I stop myself. Then he +pull out his snuff-<i>box</i>, and I take a pinch, because I like at home to +be sociable when I am out at voyages, and not show some pride with +inferior. It was of wood beautiful with turnings, and colour of +yellowish. So I was pleased to admire very much, and inquire the name of +the wood, and again he say—"<i>Box</i>, Sir."—Well, I hold myself with +patience, but it was difficilly; and we keep with great gallop, till we +come at a great crowd of the people. Then I say, "What for all so large +concourse?" "Oh!" he response again, "there is one grand <i>boxing</i> +match—a battle here to-day." "Peste!" I tell myself, "a battle of +<i>boxes</i>! Well, never mind! I hope it can be a combat at the outrance, +and they all shall destroy one another, for I am fatigued."</p> + +<p>Well—we arrive at an hotel, very superb, all as it ought, and I demand +a morsel to refresh myself. I go into a saloon, but, before I finish, +great noise come into the passage, and I pull the bell's rope to demand +why so great tapage? The waiter tell me, and he laugh at same time, but +very civil no less—"Oh, Sir, it is only two of the women what quarrel, +and one has given another a <i>box</i> on the ear."</p> + +<p>Well—I go back on the coach-box, but I look, as I pass, at all the +women ear, for the <i>box</i>; but not none I see. "Well," I tell myself once +more, "never mind, we shall see;" and we drive on very passable and +agreeable times till we approached ourselves near London: but then come +one another coach of the opposition to pass by, and the coachman +say—"No, my boy, it shan't do!" and then he whip his horses, and made +some traverse upon the road, and tell to me, all the times, a long +explication what the other coachman have done otherwhiles, and finish +not till we stop, and the coach of opposition come behind him in one +narrow place. Well—then he twist himself round, and, with full voice, +cry himself out at the another man, who was so angry as himself—"I'll +tell you what, my hearty! If you comes some more of your gammon at me, I +shan't stand, and you shall yourself find in the wrong <i>box</i>." It was +not for many weeks after as I find out the wrong <i>box</i> meaning.</p> + +<p>Well—we get at London, at the coaches office, and I unlightened from my +seat, and go at the bureau for pay my passage, and gentleman very polite +demanded if I had some friend at London. I converse with him very little +time in voyaging, because he was in the interior; but I perceive he is +real gentleman. So, I say—"No, Sir, I am stranger." Then he very +honestly recommend me at an hotel, very proper, and tell me—"Sir, +because I have some affairs in the Banque, I must sleep in the City this +night; but to-morrow I shall come at the hotel, where you shall find +some good attentions if you make the use of my name." "Very well," I +tell myself, "this is best." So we exchange the cards, and I have +hackney coach to come at my hotel, where they say—"No room, Sir—very +sorry—no room." But I demand to stop the moment, and produce the card +what I could not read before, in the movements of the coach with the +darkness. The master of the hotel take it from my hand, and become very +polite of the instant, and whisper to the ear of some waiters, and these +come at me, and say—"Oh yes, Sir, I know Mr. <i>Box</i> very well. Worthy +gentleman, Mr. Box. Very proud to incommode any friend of Mr. Box. Pray +inlight yourself, and walk in my house." So I go in, and find myself +very proper, and soon come so as if I was in my own particular chamber; +and Mr. Box come next day, and I find very soon that he was the <i>right</i> +Box, and not the <i>wrong</i> box. Ha, ha! You shall excuse my badinage—eh? +But never mind—I am going at Leicestershire to see the foxes hunting, +and perhaps will get upon a coach-box in the spring, and go at +Edinburgh; but I have fear I cannot come at your "Noctes," because I +have not learn yet to eat so great supper. I always read what they speak +there twice over, except what Mons. Le "Shepherd" say, what I read +three time; but never could comprehend exactly what he say, though I +discern some time the grand idea, what walk in darkness almost +"visible," as your divine Milton say. I am particular fond of the +poetry. I read three books of the "Paradise Lost" to Mr. Box, but he not +hear me no more—he pronounce me perfect.</p> + +<p>After one such compliment, it would be almost the same as ask you for +another, if I shall make apology in case I have not find the correct +idiotism of your language in this letter; so I shall not make none at +all—only throw myself at your mercy, like a great critic.</p> + +<p><span style="margin-left: 10em;">I have the honour of subscribe myself,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Your much obedient servant,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 16em;"><span class="smcap">Louis le Cheminant</span>.</span></p> + +<p>P. S. Ha! ha! It is very droll! I tell my valet, we go at Leicestershire +for the hunting fox. Very well. So soon as I finish this letter, he come +and demand what I shall leave behind in orders for some presents, to +give what people will come at my lodgments for Christmas +<i>Boxes</i>.—<i>Blackwood's Magazine.</i></p> + + + +<h3>ABSURDITIES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">To</span> attempt to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty.—To lose +money at play, and then fly into a passion about it.—To ask the +publisher of a new periodical how many copies he sells per week.—To ask +a wine merchant how old his wine is.—To make yourself generally +disagreeable, and wonder that nobody will visit you, unless they gain +some palpable advantage by it.—To get drunk, and complain the next +morning of a headache.—To spend your earnings on liquor, and wonder +that you are ragged.—To sit shivering in the cold because you won't +have a fire till November.—To suppose that reviewers generally read +more than the title-page of the works they praise or condemn.—To judge +of people's piety by their attendance at church.—To keep your clerks on +miserable salaries, and wonder at their robbing you.—Not to go to bed +when you are tired and sleepy, because "it is not bed time."—To make +your servants tell lies for you, and afterwards be angry because they +tell lies for themselves.—To tell your own secrets, and believe other +people will keep them.—To render a man a service voluntarily, and +expect him to be grateful for it.—To expect to make people honest by +hardening them in a jail, and afterwards sending them adrift without the +means of getting work.—To fancy a thing is cheap because a low price is +asked for it.—To say that a man is charitable because he subscribes to +an hospital.—To keep a dog or a cat on short allowance, and complain of +its being a thief.—To degrade human nature in the hope of improving +it.—To praise the beauty of a woman's hair before you know whether it +did not once belong to somebody else.—To expect that your tradespeople +will give you long credit if they generally see you in shabby +clothes.—To arrive at the age of fifty, and be surprised at any vice, +folly, or absurdity your fellow creatures may be guilty of.</p> + + + +<h3>GOOD REASON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman being asked why he wore his stockings wrong side out, +replied, "Because there's a hole on the ither side ov 'em."</p> + + + +<h3>PUTTING DOWN A LADY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a religious meeting, a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and +thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit +down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said, gravely, "I +think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her +stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired +effect—she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing +by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother, how could you say what +was not the fact?" "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she +had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how +she gets them on."</p> + + + +<h3>WOMAN'S RIGHTS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Miss</span> Lucy Stone, of Boston, a "woman's rights" woman, having put the +question, "Marriage—what is it?" an Irish echo in the <i>Boston Post</i> +inquires, "Wouldn't you like to know?"</p> + + + +<h3>A COMPROMISE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A boy</span> was caught in the act of stealing dried berries in front of a +store, the other day, and was locked up in a dark closet by the grocer. +The boy commenced begging most pathetically to be released, and after +using all the persuasion that his young imagination could invent, +proposed, "Now, if you'll let me out, and send for my daddy, he'll pay +you for them, and <i>lick me besides</i>." This appeal was too much for the +grocer to stand out against.</p> + + + +<h3>ELECTION MORALS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> elector of a country town, who was warmly pressed during the recent +contest to give his vote to a certain candidate, replied that it was +impossible, since he had already promised to vote for the other. "Oh," +said the candidate, "in election matters, promises, you know, go for +nothing." "If that is the case," rejoined the elector, "I promise you my +vote at once."—<i>Galignani's Messenger.</i></p> + + + +<h3>A QUANDARY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> <i>New Orleans Picayune</i> defines a quandary thus:—"A baker with both +arms up to the elbows in dough, and a flea in the leg of his trowsers." +We have just heard a story which conveys quite as clever an idea of the +thing as the <i>Picayune's</i> definition. An old gentleman, who had studied +theological subjects rather too much for the strength of his brains, +determined to try his luck in preaching; nothing doubting but that +matter and form would be given him, without any particular preparation +on his own part. Accordingly on Sunday he ascended the pulpit, sung and +prayed, read his text, and stopped. He stood a good while, first on one +leg, and then on the other, casting his eyes up towards the rafters, and +then on the floor, in a merciless quandary. At length language came to +his relief:—"If any of you down there think you can preach, just come +up here and try it!"—<i>North Carolina Patriot.</i></p> + + + +<h3>ELEGANT EXTRACT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A perfumer</span> should make a good editor, because he is accustomed to making +"elegant extracts."</p> + + + +<h3>EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following dialogue was lately heard at an assizes:—</p> + +<p><i>Counsel</i>: What was the height of the horse?—<i>Witness</i>: Sixteen feet.</p> + +<p><i>Counsel</i>: How old was he?—<i>Witness</i>: Six years.</p> + +<p><i>Counsel</i>: How high did you say he was?—<i>Witness</i>: Sixteen hands.</p> + +<p><i>Counsel</i>: You said, just now, sixteen feet.—<i>Witness</i>: Sixteen <i>feet</i>! +Did I say sixteen <i>feet</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Counsel</i>: You did.—<i>Witness</i>: <i>If I did say sixteen feet, it was +sixteen feet!</i>—you don't catch me crossing myself!</p> + + + +<h3>THE CAPE COD YANKEE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Yankee</span> visiting Boston, introduced himself, as follows:</p> + +<p>"My name is Ichabod Eli Erastus Pickrel; I used to keep a grocery store +deown Cape Cod. Patience Doolittle, she kept a notion store, right over +opposite. One day, Patience come into my store arter a pitcher of +lasses, for home consumption, (ye see, I'd had a kind of a sneaking +notion arter Patience, for some time,) so, ses I, 'Patience, heow would +you like to be made Mrs. Pickrel?' Upon that, she kerflounced herself +rite deown on a bag of salt, in a sort of kniption fitt. I seased the +pitcher, forgetting what was in it, and soused the molasses all over +her, and there she sat, looking like Mount Vesuvius, with the lava +running deown its sides; ye see, she was kivered with love, transport, +and molasses. She was a master large gal, of her bigness, she weighed +three hundred averdupoise, and <i>a breakfast over</i>. She could throw +eanermost any feller in our neighborhood, at <i>Indian hugs</i>. Arter +awhile, she kum tu, and I imprinted a kiss right on her bussers, that +is, as near as I could for the molasses, and twan't more than a spell +and a half, before <i>we caught a couple of little Pickrels</i>. The whooping +cough collered one of them, and <i>snaked him rite eout of town</i>. The +other one had a fight with the measles, and got licked. Mrs. Pickrel +took to having the typhus fever for a living, and twan't more than a +half a spell, before she busted up, and left me a disconsolate +wider-er-er. If you know of any putty gals that is in the market, just +tell them that I'm thar myself."</p> + + + +<h3>JOSEPH AND POTIPHAR'S WIFE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Dutch</span> boy, being asked why Joseph would not sleep with Potiphar's +wife, replied, after considerable hesitation, "<i>I schpose he vash not +schleepy</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>SHE DIDN'T TAKE ANY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A little</span> girl, after returning from church, where she saw a collection +taken up for the first time, related what took place, and, among other +things, she said, with all her childish innocence, "That a man passed +round a plate that had some money on it, <i>but she didn't take any</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>DEFINITIONS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> walking with her husband on the beach, inquired of him, the +difference between exportation and transportation. "Why, my dear," +replied he, "if you were on board yonder vessel, you would be +<i>exported</i>, and I should be <i>transported</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>CHANCERY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Every</span> animal has its enemies; the land tortoise has two enemies—man and +the boa constrictor. Man takes him home and roasts him; and the boa +constrictor swallows him whole, shell and all, and consumes him slowly +in the interior, <i>as the Court of Chancery does a great +estate</i>.—<i>Sydney Smith.</i></p> + + + +<h3>SMART UNS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">First</span> class in astronomy, stand up. "Where does the sun rise?" "Please, +sir, down in our meadow; I seed it yesterday!" "Hold your tongue, you +dunce; where does the sun rise?" "I know—in the east!" "Right, and why +does it rise in the east?" "Because the <i>'east</i> makes <i>everything</i> +rise." "Out, you booby!"</p> + + + +<h3>MRS. PARTINGTON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Partington</span> lately remarked to a legal friend: "If I owes a man a +debt, and makes him the lawless tenant of a blank bill, and he infuses +to incept it, but swears out an execration and levels it upon my body, +if I wouldn't make a pollywog of him drown me in the Nuxwine sea."</p> + + + +<h3>TO THOSE ABOUT TO GO TO LAW.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">To</span> him that goes to law, nine things are requisite:—1st, a good deal of +money; 2nd, a good deal of patience; 3rd, a good cause; 4th, a good +attorney; 5th, a good counsel; 6th, good evidence; 7th, a good jury; +8th, a good judge; 9th, good luck. Even with all these, a wise man +should hesitate before going to law.</p> + + + +<h3>ERROR CORRECTED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Rev. Sydney Smith, preaching a charity sermon, frequently repeated +the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were the most +distinguished for generosity and the love of their species. The +collection happened to be inferior to his expectations, and he said that +he had evidently made a great mistake, for that his expression should +have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their <i>specie</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>A QUERY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Which</span> travels at the greater speed, heat or cold? Heat: because you can +easily catch cold.</p> + + + +<h3>BACKGAMMON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Tom Brown</span> says, "A woman may learn one useful doctrine from the game of +backgammon, which is, not to take up her man till she's sure of him."</p> + + + +<h3>TALLEYRAND AGAIN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Monsieur</span> de Semonville, one of the ablest tacticians of his time, was +remarkable for the talent with which, amidst the crush of revolutions, +he always managed to maintain his post and take care of his personal +interests. He knew exactly where to address himself for support, and the +right time of availing himself of it. When Talleyrand, one of his most +intimate friends, heard of his death, he reflected for a few minutes, +and then drily observed, "I can't for the life of me make out what +interest Semonville had to serve by dying just now."</p> + + + +<h3>AN EVENING PARTY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A friend</span> of mine, in Portland place, has a wife who inflicts upon him, +every season, two or three immense evening parties. At one of those +parties, he was standing in a very forlorn condition, leaning against +the chimney-piece, when a gentleman coming up to him, said, "Sir, as +neither of us is acquainted with any of the people here, I think we had +best go home."</p> + + + +<h3>SAM SLICK HOOKING LUCY'S GOWN.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Well</span>, just as I was ready to start away, down comes Lucy to the keepin' +room, with both arms behind her head, a fixin' of the hooks and eyes. +'Man alive,' says she, 'are you here yet? I thought you was off gunnin' +an hour ago; who'd a thought you was here?' 'Gunnin'?' says I, 'Lucy, my +gunnin' is over, I shan't go no more, now, I shall go home; I agree with +you; shiverin' alone under a wet bush, for hours, is no fun; but if Lucy +was there'—'Get out,' says she, 'don't talk nonsense, Sam, and just +fasten the other hook and eye of my frock, will you?' She turned round +her back to me. Well, I took the hook in one hand, and the eye in the +other; but arth and seas! my eyes fairly snapped again; I never see such +a neck since I was raised. It sprung right out o' the breast and +shoulder, full round, and then tapered up to the head like a swan's, and +the complexion would beat the most delicate white and red rose that ever +was seen. Lick, it made me all eyes! I jist stood stock still, I +couldn't move a finger, if I was to die for it. 'What ails you, Sam,' +says she, 'that you don't hook it?' 'Why,' says I, 'Lucy, dear, my +fingers is all thumbs, that's a fact, I can't handle such little things +as fast as you can.' 'Well, come,' says she, 'make haste, that's a dear, +mother will be comin' directly;' and at last I shut to both my eyes, and +fastened it; and when I had done, says I, 'There is one thing I must +say, Lucy.' 'What's that?' says she. 'That you may stump all Connecticut +to show such an angeliferous neck as you have. I never saw the beat of +it in all my born days—it's the most——' 'And you may stump the State, +too,' says she, 'to produce such another bold, forrard, impedent, +onmannerly tongue, as you have—so there now—so get along with +you.'"—<i>Sam Slick.</i></p> + + + +<h3>A GREAT CALF.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span> William B., being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which +were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the +farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two +colleges at each university?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of +that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, +the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."—<i>Flowers of Anecdote.</i></p> + + + +<h3>TAXATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is one passage in the Scriptures, to which all the potentates of +Europe seem to have given their unanimous assent and approbation, and to +have studied so thoroughly, as to have it at their fingers' +ends:—"There went out a decree in the days of Augustus Cæsar, that all +the world should be taxed."—<i>C. C. Colton.</i></p> + + + +<h3>AN ITINERANT MARTYR.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Jim</span>," said one fast man, yesterday to another, "it is reported that you +left the East, on account of your belief, an itinerant martyr." "How," +replied Jim, flattered by the remark, "how's that?" "Why, a police +officer told me that you believed everything you saw belonged to you, +and as the public didn't, you left."</p> + + + +<h3>SEE—SAW.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Noggs</span>, Jr," speaking of a blind wood sawyer, says: "While none ever +<i>saw</i> him <i>see</i>, thousands have <i>seen</i> him <i>saw</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>FELLOW-FEELING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A countryman</span> was dragging a calf by a rope in a cruel manner. An +Irishman asked him if that was the way "he threated a fellow creathur?"</p> + + + +<h3>MISAPPLICATION OF WORDS BY FOREIGNERS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> misapplication of English words by foreigners is often very +ludicrous. A German friend saluted us once with, "Oh, good bye, good +bye!"—meaning, of course, "How d'ye do?" It is said that Dr. Chalmers +once entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he asked +if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked the +meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was told that it meant +"preserved." The poor man, in a public prayer, soon after, offered a +petition that the distinguished divine might long be "kippered to the +Free Church of Scotland."</p> + + + +<h3>WHAT IS A SPOON?</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A "spoon"</span> is a thing that is often near a lady's lips without kissing +them. This is like the definition of a "muff," viz., a thing which holds +a lady's hand without squeezing it.</p> + + + +<h3>A CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> say, Mrs. Smith, that you have lived with the defendant for eight +years. Does the Court understand from that, that you are married to +him?" "In course it does." "Have you a marriage certificate?" "Yes, your +honor, three on 'em—two gals and a boy." Verdict for the plaintiff.</p> + + + +<h3>UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the best things lately said upon age—a very ticklish subject by +the way—was the observation of Mr. James Smith to Mr. Thomas Hill. +"Hill," said the former gentleman, "you take an unfair advantage of an +accident: the register of your birth was burnt in the great fire of +London, and you avail yourself of the circumstance to give out that you +are younger than you are."</p> + + + +<h3>TWO-FOLD ILLUSTRATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span> Fletcher Norton was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading +before Lord Mansfield, on some question of manorial right, he chanced +unfortunately to say, "My Lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant +in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge +immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all know +it, Sir Fletcher."</p> + + + +<h3>A YANKEE STORY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Englishman was bragging of the speed on English railroads to a Yankee +traveler seated at his side in one of the cars of a "fast train," in +England. The engine bell was rung as the train neared a station. It +suggested to the Yankee an opportunity of "taking down his companion a +peg or two." "What's that noise?" innocently inquired the Yankee. "We +are approaching a town," said the Englishman; "they have to commence +ringing about ten miles before they get to a station, or else the train +would run by it before the bell could be heard! Wonderful, isn't it? I +suppose they haven't invented bells in America yet?" "Why, yes," replied +the Yankee, "we've got bells, but can't use them on our railroads. We +run so 'tarnal fast that the train always keeps ahead of the sound. No +use whatever; the sound never reaches the village till after the train +gets by." "Indeed!" exclaimed the Englishman. "Fact," said the Yankee; +"had to give up bells. Then we tried steam whistles—but they wouldn't +answer either. I was on a locomotive when the whistle was tried. We were +going at a tremendous rate—hurricanes were nowhere, and I had to hold +my hair on. We saw a two-horse wagon crossing the track about five miles +ahead, and the engineer let the whistle on, screeching like a trooper. +It screamed awfully, but it wasn't no use. The next thing I knew, I was +picking myself out of a pond by the roadside, amid the fragments of the +locomotive, dead horses, broken wagon, and dead engineer lying beside +me. Just then the whistle came along, mixed up with some frightful oaths +that I had heard the engineer use when he first saw the horses. Poor +fellow! he was dead before his voice got to him. After that we tried +lights, supposing these would travel faster than the sound. We got some +so powerful that the chickens woke up all along the road when we came +by, supposing it to be morning. But the locomotive kept ahead of it +still, and was in the darkness, with the lights close on behind it. The +inhabitants petitioned against it; they couldn't sleep with so much +light in the night time. Finally, we had to station electric telegraphs +along the road, with signal men to telegraph when the train was in +sight; and I have heard that some of the fast trains beat the lightning +fifteen minutes every forty miles. But I can't say as that is true; the +rest I know to be so."—<i>New York Tribune.</i></p> + + + +<h3>ANCIENT DESCENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Not</span> long since a certain noble peer in Yorkshire, who is fond of +boasting of his Norman descent, thus addressed one of his tenants, who, +he thought, was not speaking to him with proper respect: "Do you not +know that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?" "And, +mayhap," retorted the sturdy Saxon, nothing daunted, "they found mine +here when they comed." The noble lord felt that he had the worst of it.</p> + + + +<h3>BAD'S THE BEST.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Canning</span> was once asked by an English clergyman how he had liked the +sermon he had preached before him.</p> + +<p>"Why, it was a short sermon," quoth Canning. "Oh, yes," said the +preacher; "you know I avoid being tedious." "Ah, but," replied Canning, +"you <i>were</i> tedious."</p> + + + +<h3>QUEER DUELS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> man of pleasure, about London, received a challenge from a +young gentleman of his acquaintance; and they met at the appointed +place. Just before the signal for firing was given, the man of pleasure +rushed up to his antagonist, embraced him, and vehemently protested that +he could not lift his arm "<i>against his own flesh and blood</i>!" The young +gentleman, though he had never heard any imputation cast upon his +mother's character, was so much staggered, that (as the ingenious man of +pleasure had foreseen) no duel took place.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Humphrey Howarth</span>, the surgeon, was called out, and made his appearance +in the field, stark naked, to the astonishment of the challenger, who +asked him what he meant. "I know," said H., "that if any part of the +clothing is carried into the body, by a gunshot wound, festering ensues; +and therefore I have met you thus." His antagonist declared, that +fighting with a man <i>in puris naturalibus</i>, would be quite ridiculous; +and accordingly they parted, without further discussion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Alvanley</span>, on returning home, after his duel with young O'Connell, +gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman, who had driven him out, and +brought him back. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, +"My lord, I only took you to ——." Alvanley interrupted him, "My +friend, the guinea is <i>for bringing me back</i>, not for taking me out."</p> + + + +<h3>PROVOKING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">To</span> kneel before your goddess, and burst both pantaloon straps.</p> + + + +<h3>TEACHING A FOREIGNER TO SPEAK ENGLISH.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">My</span> friend, the foreigner, called on me to bid me farewell, before he +quitted town, and on his departure, he said, "I am going at the +country." I ventured to correct his phraseology, by saying that we were +accustomed to say "going into the country." He thanked me for this +correction and said he had profited by my lesson, and added, "I will +knock <i>into your</i> door, on my return."—<i>Memorials.</i></p> + + + +<h3>PHILOSOPHY.</h3> + + +<p><i>Experimental</i> philosophy—asking a man to lend you money. <i>Moral</i> +philosophy—refusing to do it.</p> + + + +<h3>INGENIOUS ADVERTISEMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span>, once upon a time, despatched a pretentious octavo, in the +<i>Edinburgh</i>, with a critique, one paragraph in length; that achievement +is matched by the disposal of a work in the <i>Courier and Enquirer</i>, as +follows, by ingeniously employing the opening sentence of the book +itself:—</p> + +<p class="c sml">"<i>The History of Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia.</i> A Tale by <span class="smcap">Samuel +Johnson</span>, LL. D. A new edition, with illustrations. 12mo., pp. 206. +New York: <span class="smcap">C. S. Francis & Co.</span></p> + +<p>"Ye who listen with credulity to the whispers of fancy, and pursue with +eagerness the phantoms of hope; who expect that age will perform the +promises of youth, and that deficiencies of the present day will be +supplied by the morrow; attend to the history of <i>Rasselas</i>, Prince of +Abyssinia."</p> + + + +<h3>CURIOUS CONVEYANCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sutton</span> was part of the demesne of John of Gaunt, the celebrated Duke of +Lancaster, who gifted it to an ancestor of the proprietor, Sir J. M. +Burgoyne, as appears from the following quaint lines:—</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"I, John of Gaunt,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Do give and do grant,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Unto Roger Burgoyne,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And the heirs of his loin,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Both Sutton and Potton,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Until the world's rotten."</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>SMOKING MANNERS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Kentuckian</span> visited a merchant at New York, with whom, after dinner, he +drank wine and smoked cigars, spitting on the carpet, much to the +annoyance of his host, who desired a spittoon to be brought for his +troublesome visitor; he, however, pushed it away with his foot, and when +it was replaced, he kicked it away again, quite unaware of its use. When +it had been thrice replaced, the Kentuckian drawled out to the servant +who had brought it: "I tell you what; you've been pretty considerable +troublesome with that ere thing, I guess; if you put it there again, I'm +hung if I don't spit in it."</p> + + + +<h3>LANDSEER AND SIDNEY SMITH.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Landseer</span>, the best living animal painter, once asked the late Rev. +Sydney Smith if he would grant him a sitting, whereupon the Rev. Canon +biblically replied—"Is thy servant a dog that he should do this +thing?"</p> + + + +<h3>SPECKLED BUTTER.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Do</span> you want to buy a real lot of butter?" said a Yankee notion dealer, +who had picked up a load at fifty different places, to a Boston +merchant.</p> + +<p>"What kind of butter is it?" asked the buyer.</p> + +<p>"The clean quill; all made by my wife; a dairy of forty cows, only two +churnings."</p> + +<p>"But what makes it so many different colors?" said the merchant.</p> + +<p>"Darnation! hear that, now. I guess you wouldn't ax that question if +you'd see my cows, for they are a darned sight speckleder than the +butter is."</p> + + + +<h3>A LOGICAL BAGGAGE MASTER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> post of baggage master on a railroad train is not an enviable one. +There is often a wide difference between the company's regulations, and +the passenger's opinion of what articles, and what amount of them, +properly come under the denomination of baggage; and this frequently +subjects the unlucky official of the trunks and bandbox department to +animated discussions with a certain class of the traveling public. We +heard lately an anecdote of George, the affable B. M. on Capt. Cobb's +train on the Virginia and Tennessee road, which is too good to be lost. +A passenger presented himself at a way station on the road, with two +trunks and a saddle for which he requested checks. The baggage master +promptly checked the trunks, but demanded the extra charge of +twenty-five cents for the saddle. To this the passenger demurred, and +losing his temper, peremptorily asked:—</p> + +<p>"Will you check my baggage, sir?"</p> + +<p>"Are you a horse?" quietly inquired George.</p> + +<p>"What do you mean, sir?" exclaimed the irritated traveler.</p> + +<p>"You claim to have this saddle checked as baggage?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly—it is baggage," positively returned the passenger.</p> + +<p>"Well," said the imperturbable George, "by the company's regulations +nothing but wearing apparel is admitted to be baggage, and if the saddle +is your wearing apparel, of course you must be a horse! Now, sir, just +allow me to strap it on your back, and it shall go to the end of the +road without any extra charge whatever."</p> + +<p>The traveller paid his quarter and offered George his hat.—<i>Bristol +News.</i></p> + + + +<h3>A PHYSICIAN'S LIFE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Nothing</span> vexes a physician so much as to be sent for in great haste, and +to find, after his arrival, that nothing, or next to nothing, is the +matter with his patient. We remember an "urgent case" of this kind, +recorded of an eminent English surgeon.</p> + +<p>He had been sent for by a gentleman who had just received a slight +wound, and gave his servant orders to go home with all haste imaginable, +and fetch a certain plaster. The patient turning a little pale, said:</p> + +<p>"Heavens, sir! I hope there is no danger!"</p> + +<p>"Indeed there is!" answered the surgeon: "for if the fellow doesn't run +there like a cart horse, the wound will be healed before he can possibly +get back."</p> + + + +<h3>A CONSTELLATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following conversation occurred between a theatrical manager and an +aspirant for Thespian honors:</p> + +<p>"What is your pleasure?" asked the manager.</p> + +<p>"An engagement at your theatre," said the applicant.</p> + +<p>"But you stammer."</p> + +<p>"Like Hatterton."</p> + +<p>"You are very small."</p> + +<p>"Like Kean."</p> + +<p>"You speak monotonously."</p> + +<p>"Like Macready."</p> + +<p>"And through the nose."</p> + +<p>"Like Booth."</p> + +<p>"And you make faces."</p> + +<p>"Like Burton."</p> + +<p>"You have badly shaped legs."</p> + +<p>"Like Wallack."</p> + +<p>"And brawny arms."</p> + +<p>"Like Forrest."</p> + +<p>"An obese person."</p> + +<p>"Like Blake."</p> + +<p>"But you unite the defects of all these stars."</p> + +<p>"Th-th-that's just it. If you engage me, you will need no stars at all."</p> + + + +<h3>INTEREST.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Pa</span>, what is the interest of a kiss?" asked a sweet sixteen of her sire. +"Well, really, I don't know. Why do you ask?" "Because George borrowed a +kiss from me last night, and said he would pay it back with interest +after we were married."</p> + + + +<h3>FLATFOOTED COURTSHIP.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> long summer afternoon there came to Mr. Davidson's the most curious +specimen of an old bachelor the world ever heard of. He was old, gray, +wrinkled, and odd. He hated women, especially old maids, and wasn't +afraid to say so. He and aunt Patty had it hot and heavy, whenever +chance threw them together; yet still he came, and it was noticed that +aunt Patty took unusual pains with her dress whenever he was expected. +One day the contest waged unusually strong. Aunt Patty left him in +disgust and went out into the garden. "The bear!" she muttered to +herself, as she stooped to gather a blossom which attracted her +attention.</p> + +<p>"What did you run away for?" said a gruff voice close to her side.</p> + +<p>"To get rid of you."</p> + +<p>"You didn't do it, did you?"</p> + +<p>"No, you are worse than a burdock bur."</p> + +<p>"You won't get rid of me neither."</p> + +<p>"I won't! eh?"</p> + +<p>"Only in one way."</p> + +<p>"And what?"</p> + +<p>"Marry me!"</p> + +<p>"What! us two fools get married? What will people say?"</p> + +<p>"That's nothing to us. Come, say yes or no, I'm in a hurry."</p> + +<p>"Well, no, then."</p> + +<p>"Very well, good bye. I shan't come again."</p> + +<p>"But stop a bit—what a pucker to be in!"</p> + +<p>"Yes or no?"</p> + +<p>"I must consult"—</p> + +<p>"All right—I thought you was of age. Good bye."</p> + +<p>"Jabez Andrews, don't be a fool. Come back, come back, I say. Why, I +believe the critter has taken me for earnest. Jabez Andrews, I'll +consider."</p> + +<p>"I don't want no considering. I'm gone. Becky Hastings is waiting for +me. I thought I'd give you the first chance. All right. Good bye."</p> + +<p>"Jabez! Jabez! That stuck up Becky Hastings shan't have him, if I die +for it. Jabez—yes. Do you hear? Y-e-s!"</p> + + + +<h3>AMUSING INCIDENT IN COURT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the Durham assizes, a very deaf old lady, who had brought an action +for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the Judge +suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask her what she would +take to settle the matter. "What will you take?" asked a gentleman in a +bob-tailed wig, of the old lady. The old lady merely shook her head at +the counsel, informing the jury, in confidence, that "she was very hard +o' hearing." "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the +counsel again, this time bawling as loud as ever he could in the old +lady's ear. "I thank his lordship kindly," the ancient dame answered +stoutly, "and if it's no ill convenience to him, I'll take a little warm +ale." (Roars of laughter.)—<i>English Paper.</i></p> + + + +<h3>BAD DINNER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span>, in describing a badly dressed dinner, observed that +everything was sour but the vinegar.</p> + + + +<h3>PRINTER AND DUTCHMAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Seldom</span> does a live Dutchman get the credit of more smart things than are +set down to him in this catechism that he puts to a journeyman printer.</p> + +<p>A Dutchman sitting at the door of his tavern in the Far West, is +approached by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigrating westward on foot, +with a bundle on a cane over his shoulder:</p> + +<p>"Vell, Misther Valking Sthick, vat you vant?"</p> + +<p>"Rest and refreshments," replied the printer.</p> + +<p>"Super and lotchin, I reckon?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, supper and lodging, if you please."</p> + +<p>"Pe ye a Yankee peddler, mit chewelry in your pack, to sheat the gals?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir, I am no Yankee peddler."</p> + +<p>"A singin'-master, too lazy to work?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir."</p> + +<p>"A shenteel shoemaker, vat loves to measure te gals' feet and hankles +petter tan to make te shoes?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir, or I should have mended my own shoes."</p> + +<p>"A pook achent, vat podders te school committees till they do vat you +vish, shoost to get rid of you?"</p> + +<p>"Guess again, sir. I am no book agent."</p> + +<p>"Te tyfels! a dentist, preaking te people's jaws at a dollar a shnag, +and running off mit my daughter?"</p> + +<p>"No sir, I am no tooth-puller."</p> + +<p>"Prenologus, ten, feeling te young folks, heads like so much cabbitch?"</p> + +<p>"No, I am no phrenologist."</p> + +<p>"Vell, ten, vat the mischief can you be? Shoost tell, and ye shall have +te pest sassage for supper, and shtay all night, free gratis, mitout a +cent, and a shill of whiskey to start mit in te morning."</p> + +<p>"I am an humble disciple of Faust—a professor of the art that preserves +all arts—a typographer at your service."</p> + +<p>"Votch dat?"</p> + +<p>"A printer, sir: a man that prints books and newspapers."</p> + +<p>"A man vat printish nooshpapers! oh yaw! yaw! ay, dat ish it. A man vat +printish nooshpapers! Yaw! yaw! Valk up! a man vat printish nooshpapers! +I vish I may pe shot if I didn't dink you vas a poor old dishtrict +schoolmaster, who verks for notting and poards around—I tought you vas +him!"</p> + + + +<h3>TRUTH STRANGER THAN FICTION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A New Orleans</span> lady recently eloped, leaving a note, bidding her +idolizing husband good bye, and requesting him not to mourn for the +children, as "none of them were his."</p> + + + +<h3>TELLING ONE'S AGE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said, "Alas! I am near +thirty." Scarron, who was present, and knew her age, said, "Do not fret +at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every +day."</p> + + + +<h3>ALL FLESH IS DUST.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Mamma</span>," said a promising youth of some four or five years, "if all +people are made of dust, ain't niggers made of coal-dust?"</p> + + + +<h3>TALLEYRAND.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a time when public affairs were in a very unsettled state, a +gentleman, who squinted terribly, asked Talleyrand how things were going +on. "Why, as you see, Sir," was the reply.</p> + + + +<h3>KITCHINER AND COLMAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> most celebrated wits and <i>bon vivans</i> of the day graced the +dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchiner, and, <i>inter alios</i>, the late +George Colman, who was an especial favourite; his interpolation of a +little monosyllable in a written admonition which the doctor caused to +be placed on the mantel-piece of the dining-parlour will never be +forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom +permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at +eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's +attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment, +"Come at seven, go it at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret +was punished accordingly.</p> + + + +<h3>CREDIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Among</span> the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's +description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his +tradesmen's bills;" Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence +on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of +debts;" and Pelham's argument, that it is respectable to be arrested, +because it shows that the party once had credit.</p> + + + +<h3>SWIFT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the reign of King William, it happened that the king had either +chosen or actually taken this motto for his stage coach in Ireland: "Non +rapui, sed recepi,"—"I did not steal it, but received it," alluding to +his being called to the throne by the people. This was reported to Swift +by one of the court emissaries. "And what," said he to the Dean, "do you +think the Prince of Orange has chosen for his motto?" "Dutch cheese," +said the Dean. "No," said the gentleman, "but 'non rapui, sed recepi.'" +"Aye," said the Dean, "but it is an old saying and a true one, '<i>The +receiver is as bad as the thief.</i>'"</p> + + + +<h3>ALL CORNED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A showman</span> giving entertainments in Lafayette, Ind., was offered by one +man a bushel of corn for admission. The manager declined it, saying that +all the members of his company had been corned for the last week.</p> + + + +<h3>THE SEWING MACHINE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">What</span> do you think of the new sewing machine?" inquired a gentleman of +his friend, who was somewhat of a wag. "Oh," replied the punster, "I +consider it a capital make shift."</p> + + + +<h3>POLITENESS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon ball passed over +his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him; "You +see," said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."</p> + + + +<h3>GEORGE SELWYN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">George Selwyn</span>, as everybody knows, delighted in seeing executions; he +never missed <i>being in at a death</i> at Tyburn. When Lord Holland (the +father of Charles Fox) was confined to bed, by a dangerous illness, he +was informed by his servant that Mr. Selwyn had recently called to +inquire for him. "On his next visit," said Lord Holland, "be sure you +let him in, whether I am alive or a corpse; for, if I am alive, I shall +have great pleasure in seeing <i>him</i>; and if I am a corpse, <i>he will have +great pleasure in seeing me</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>CHANCERY PUN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Eldon</span> (the Chancellor) related of his predecessor, <i>Lord Erskine</i>, +that, being at a dinner party with Captain Parry, after his first voyage +of discovery, he (Lord Erskine) asked the intrepid navigator, what +himself and his hardy crew lived on, when frozen up in the polar seas. +"On <i>the Seals</i>, to be sure," replied Parry. "And a very good living, +too," said the ex-chancellor, "if you keep them long enough!"—<i>Twiss's +Life of Lord Eldon.</i></p> + + + +<h3>KILTS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">I shall</span> be off to the Highlands this fall; but cuss 'em, they han't got +no woods there; nuthin' but heather, and that's only high enough to tear +your clothes. That's the reason the Scotch don't wear no breeches; they +don't like to get 'em ragged up that way for everlastinly; they can't +afford it; so they let 'em scratch and tear their skin, for that will +grow agin, and trousers won't.—<i>Sam Slick.</i></p> + + + +<h3>LORD ELLENBOROUGH.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Ellenborough</span> had infinite wit. When the income-tax was imposed, he +said that Lord Kenyon (who was not very nice in his habits) intended, in +consequence of it, to lay down—his pocket-handkerchief.</p> + +<p>A lawyer, one day, pleading before him, and using several times, the +expression, "my unfortunate client," Lord Ellenborough suddenly +interrupted him: "There, sir, the court is with you."</p> + + + +<h3>EVIDENCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following is the next best thing to the evidence concerning the +stone "<i>as big as a piece of chalk</i>." "Were you traveling on the night +this affair took place?" "I should say I was, Sir." "What kind of +weather was it? Was it raining at the time?" "It was so dark that I +could not see it raining; but I felt it dropping, though." "How dark was +it?" "I had no way of telling; but it was not light, by a jug full." +"Can't you compare it to something?" "Why, if I was going to compare it +to anything, I should say it was about as dark as a stack of black +cats."</p> + + + +<h3>AN UP AND DOWN REPLY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the examination of a witness, as to the locality of stairs in a +house, the counsel asked him, "Which way the stairs ran?" The witness, +who, by the way, was a noted wag, replied, that "One way they ran up +stairs, but the other way they ran down stairs." The learned counsel +winked both eyes and then took a look at the ceiling.</p> + + + +<h3>SNORING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Western</span> statesman, in one of his tours in the Far West, stopped all +night at a house, where he was put in the same room with a number of +strangers. He was very much annoyed by the snoring of two persons. The +black boy of the hotel entered the room, when our narrator said to him:</p> + +<p>"Ben, I will give you five dollars if you will kill that man next to me +who snores so dreadfully."</p> + +<p>"Can't kill him for five dollars, but if massa will advance on the +price, I'll try what I can do."</p> + +<p>By this time the stranger had ceased his nasal fury. The other was now +to be quieted. So stepping to him he woke him, and said:</p> + +<p>"My friend, [he knew who he was,] you're talking in your sleep, and +exposing all the secrets of the Brandon Bank, [he was a director,] you +had better be careful."</p> + +<p>He was careful, for he did not go to sleep that night.</p> + + + +<h3>TANNING.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Daddy</span>," said a hopeful urchin to his parental relative, "why don't our +schoolmaster send the editor of the newspaper an account of all the +lickings he gives to the boys?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know, my son," replied the parent, "but why do you ask me such +a question?"</p> + +<p>"Why, this paper says that Mr. B. has tanned three thousand hides at his +establishment during the past year, and I know that old Grimes has +tanned our hides more'n twice that many times—the editor ought to know +it."</p> + + + +<h3>A PRINTER IN COURT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A suit</span> came on the other day in which a printer named Kelvy was a +witness. The case was an assault and battery that came off between two +men named Brown and Henderson.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Kelvy, did you witness the affair referred to?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir."</p> + +<p>"Well, what have you to say about it?"</p> + +<p>"That it was the best piece of punctuation I have seen for some time."</p> + +<p>"What do you mean by that?"</p> + +<p>"Why, that Brown dotted one of Henderson's eyes, for which Henderson put +a period to Brown's breathing for about half a minute."</p> + +<p>The court comprehended the matter at once, and fined the defendant fifty +dollars.</p> + + + +<h3>TAKING THE PAPER.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>," said a pompous personage who once undertook to bully an editor, +"do you know that I take your paper?" "I've no doubt you take it," +replied the man of the quill, "for several of my honest subscribers have +been complaining lately about their papers being missing in the +morning."</p> + + + +<h3>IMPRESSIVE DISCOURSE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is stated that the Rev. George Trask, of Pittsburg, lectured so +powerfully in Webster, a few days ago, against the use of tobacco, that +several of his audience went home and burned their cigars—holding one +end of them in their mouths.</p> + + + +<h3>HOW "GEORGE" BECAME A TEETOTALER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A short</span> time since, a young man living in Ogdensburgh, N. Y., whose name +we shall call George, took to drinking rather more than usual, and some +of his friends endeavored to cure him. One day, when he was in rather a +loose condition, they got him in a room, and commenced conversing about +<i>delirium tremens</i>, directing all their remarks to him, and telling him +what fearful objects, such as snakes and rats, were always seen by the +victims of this horrible disease. When the conversation had waxed high +on this theme, one of the number stepped out of the room, and from a +trap which was at hand let a large rat into the room. None of his +friends appeared to see it, but the young man who was to be the victim +seized a chair and hurled it at the rat, completely using up the piece +of furniture in the operation. Another chair shared the same fate, when +his friends seized him, and with terror depicted on their faces, +demanded to know what was the matter.</p> + +<p>"Why, don't you see that cursed big rat?" said he, pointing to the +animal, which, after the manner of rats, was making his way round the +room, close to the walls.</p> + +<p>They all saw it, but all replied that they didn't see it—"<i>there was no +rat</i>."</p> + +<p>"But there <i>is</i>!" said he, as another chair went to pieces in an +ineffectual attempt to crush the obnoxious vermin.</p> + +<p>At this moment they again seized him, and after a terrific scuffle threw +him down on the floor, and with terror screamed—</p> + +<p>"Charley! run for a doctor!"</p> + +<p>Charley started for the door, when George desired to be informed "what +the devil was up."</p> + +<p>"Up!" said they, "why, you've got the <i>delirium tremens</i>!"</p> + +<p>Charley opened the door to go out, when George raised himself on his +elbow, and said, "Charley, where are you going?"</p> + +<p>"Going!" said Charley, "going for a doctor."</p> + +<p>"Going for a doctor!" rejoined George; "for what?"</p> + +<p>"For what?" repeated Charley, "why, you've got the <i>delirium tremens</i>!"</p> + +<p>"The <i>delirium tremens</i>—have I?" repeated George. "How do you know I've +got the delirium tremens?"</p> + +<p>"Easy enough," says Charley; "you've commenced <i>seeing rats</i>."</p> + +<p>"Seeing rats!" said George, in a sort of musing way; "seeing rats. Think +you must be mistaken, Charley."</p> + +<p>"Mistaken!" said Charley.</p> + +<p>"Yes, mistaken," rejoined George. "<i>I ain't the man—I haven't seen no +rat!</i>"</p> + +<p>The boys let George up after that, and from that day to this he hasn't +touched a glass of liquor, and "<i>seen no rats</i>"—not the first rat.</p> + + + +<h3>BISHOP BURNET.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Bishop Burnet</span>, once preaching before Charles II., was much warmed by his +subject, and uttering a religious truth in a very earnest manner, with +great vehemence struck his fist upon the desk, and cried out in a loud +voice, "Who dare deny this?" "Faith," observed the king, in a tone not +quite so loud as the preacher, "nobody that is within the reach of that +great fist of yours."</p> + + + +<h3>ANA FROM "MOORE'S LIFE."</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mercer</span> mentioned that, on the death of the Danish ambassador here, (in +Paris,) some commissaire of police, having come to the house for the +purpose of making a <i>procès verbal</i> of his death, it was resisted by the +suite, as an infringement of the ambassador's privilege, to which the +answer of the police was, that <i>Un ambassadeur dès qu'il est mort, +rentre dans la vie privée.</i>—"An ambassador, when dead, returns to +private life." Lord Bristol and his daughters came in the evening; the +Rancliffes, too. Mr. Rich said, at dinner, that a curé (I forget in what +part of France) asked him once, whether it was true that the English +women wore rings in their noses? to which Mr. R. answered, that "in the +north of England, near China, it was possible they might, but certainly +not about London."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> talked of Wordsworth's exceedingly high opinion of himself; and she +mentioned, that one day, in a large party, Wordsworth, without anything +having been previously said that could lead to the subject, called out +suddenly, from the top of the table to the bottom, in his most epic +tone, "Davy!" and, on Davy's putting forth his head, in an awful +expectation of what was coming, said, "Do you know the reason why I +published the 'White Doe' in quarto?" "No, what was it?" "To show the +world my own opinion of it."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Bushe</span> told of an Irish country squire, who used, with hardly any means, +to give entertainments to the militia, &c., in his neighborhood; and +when a friend expostulated with him, on the extravagance of giving +claret to these fellows, when whiskey punch would do just as well, he +answered, "You are very right, my dear friend; but I have the claret on +tick, and where the devil would I get credit for the <i>lemons</i>?" Douglas +mentioned the story of some rich grazier, in Ireland, whose son went on +a tour to Italy, with express injunctions from the father, to write to +him whatever was worthy of notice. Accordingly, on his arrival in Italy, +he wrote a letter, beginning as follows: "Dear Father, the Alps is a +very high mountain, and bullocks bear no price." Lady Susan and her +daughters, and the Kingstons, came in the evening, and all supped. A +French writer mentions, as a proof of Shakspeare's attention to +particulars, his allusion to the climate of Scotland, in the words, +"Hail, hail, all hail!"—<i>Grêle, grêle, toute grêle.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Met</span> Luttrell on the Boulevards, and walked with him. In remarking rather +a pretty woman who passed, he said, "The French women are often in the +suburbs of beauty, but never enter the town." Company at Lord Holland's, +Allen, Henry Fox, the <i>black</i> Fox, (attached to the embassy,) Denon, +and, to my great delight, Lord John Russell, who arrived this morning. +Lord Holland told, before dinner, (<i>a propos</i> of something,) of a man +who professed to have studied "Euclid," all through, and upon some one +saying to him, "Well, solve me that problem," answered, "Oh, I never +looked at the cuts."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> Williams and I had sung one of the "Irish melodies," somebody +said, "Everything that's national, is delightful." "Except the National +Debt, ma'am," says Poole. Took tea at Vilamil's, and danced to the +piano-forte. Wrote thirteen or fourteen lines before I went out. In +talking of the organs in Gall's craniological system, Poole said he +supposed a drunkard had a <i>barrel</i> organ.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dined</span> at Lattin's: company, Lords Holland, John Russell, Thanet, and +Trimelstown; Messrs. Maine de Biron and Denon, Luttrel and Concannon. +Abundance of noise and Irish stories from Lattin; some of them very +good. A man asked another to come and dine off boiled beef and potatoes, +with him. "That I will," says the other; "and it's rather odd it should +be exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, <i>barring the +beef</i>." Some one, using the old expression about some light wine he was +giving, "There's not a head-ache in a hogshead of it," was answered; +"No, but there's a belly-ache in every glass of it." Denon told an +anecdote of a man, who, having been asked repeatedly to dinner, by a +person whom he knew to be but a shabby Amphitryon, went at last, and +found the dinner so meagre and bad, that he did not get a bit to eat. +When the dishes were removing, the host said, "Well, now the ice is +broken, I suppose you will ask me to dine with you, some day."—"Most +willingly." "Name your day, then."—"<i>Aujourd'hui par example</i>," +answered the dinnerless guest. Luttrel told of a good phrase of an +attorney's, in speaking of a reconciliation that had taken place between +two persons whom he wished to set by the ears, "I am sorry to tell you, +sir, that a compromise has <i>broken out</i> between the parties."</p> + + + +<h3>CATCHUP QUESTION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> meeting a friend running through the rain, with an umbrella +over him, said, "Where are you running to in such a hurry, <i>like a mad +mushroom</i>?"</p> + + + +<h3>A REBUKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Yankee</span>, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured +General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said +Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look +back."</p> + + + +<h3>A GENTLEMAN.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">There</span> can be no doubt," said Mrs. Nickleby, "that he is a gentleman, +and has the manners of a gentleman, and the appearance of a gentleman, +although he does wear smalls, and gray worsted stockings. That may be +eccentricity, or he may be proud of his legs. I don't see why he +shouldn't be. The Prince Regent was proud of his legs, and so was Daniel +Lambert, who was also a fat man; <i>he</i> was proud of his legs. So was Miss +Biffin: she was—no, "added Mrs. Nickleby, correcting herself, "I think +she had only toes, but the principle is the same."—<i>Dickens.</i></p> + + + +<h3>MODESTY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a young man in Cincinnati, who is so modest that he will not +"embrace an opportunity." He would make a good mate for the lady who +fainted when she heard of the naked truth.</p> + + + +<h3>NATIONAL PARADOXES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Somebody</span> once remarked, that the Englishman is never happy, but when he +is miserable; the Scotchman is never at home, but when he is abroad; and +the Irishman is never at peace, but when he is fighting.</p> + + + +<h3>A DUTCH JURY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Judge Jones</span>, of Indiana, who never allows a chance for a joke to pass +him, occupied the bench when it became necessary to obtain a juryman in +a case in which L——and B—— were employed as counsel. The former was +an illiterate Hibernian, the latter decidedly German in his modes of +expression:</p> + +<p>The sheriff immediately proceeded to look around the room in search of a +person to fill the vacant seat, when he espied a Dutch Jew, and claimed +him as his own. The Dutchman objected.</p> + +<p>"I can't understant goot Englese."</p> + +<p>"What did he say?" asked the judge.</p> + +<p>"I can't understant goot Englese," he repeated.</p> + +<p>"Take your seat," cried the judge, "take your seat; that's no excuse. +You are not likely to hear any of it!"</p> + +<p>Under that decision he took his seat.</p> + + + +<h3>A YELLOW FEVER JOKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> <i>Mobile Advertiser</i>, of the 19th ult., tells the following good +story of a notorious practical joker of that city, yclept "Straight-back +Dick." Dick was at the wharf, one day last week, when one of the up +river boats arrived. He watched closely the countenance of each +passenger as he stepped from the plank upon the wharf, and at length +fastened his gaze upon an individual, who, from his appearance and +manner, was considerably nearer Mobile than he had ever been before. He +was evidently ill at ease, and had probably heard the reports which were +rife in the country relative to the hundreds dying in Mobile every hour +from yellow fever. The man started off towards Dauphin street, carpet +sack in hand, but had not proceeded far when a heavy hand was laid upon +his shoulder, and he suddenly stopped. Upon turning round, he met the +cold, serious countenance of Dick, and it seemed to send a thrill of +terror throughout his whole frame. After looking at him steadily for +about a minute, Dick slowly ejaculated:</p> + +<p>"Yes, you are the man. Stand straight!"</p> + +<p>With fear visible in his countenance, the poor fellow essayed to do as +commanded.</p> + +<p>"Straighter yet!" said Dick. "There, that will do," and taking from his +pocket a small tape measure, he stooped down and measured him from the +sole of his boot to the crown of his hat, took a pencil and carefully +noted the height in his pocket book, to the utter amazement of the +stranger; after which he measured him across the shoulders, and again +noted the dimensions. He then looked the stranger firmly in the face and +said:</p> + +<p>"Sir, I am very sorry that it is so, but I really will not be able to +finish it for you before morning."</p> + +<p>"Finish what?" asked the stranger, endeavoring in vain to appear calm.</p> + +<p>"Why, your coffin, to be sure! You see, I am the city undertaker, and +the people are dying here so fast, that I can hardly supply the demand +for coffins. You will have to wait until your turn comes, which will be +to-morrow morning—say about 9 o'clock."</p> + +<p>"But what do I want with a coffin? I have no idea of dying!"</p> + +<p>"You haven't, eh? Sir, you will not live two hours and a half. I see it +in your countenance. Why, even now, you have a pain—a slight pain—in +your back."</p> + +<p>"Y-yes, I believe I h-have," replied the trembling hoosier.</p> + +<p>"Exactly," said Dick, "and in your limbs too?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, stranger, you're right, and I begin to feel it in the back of my +neck and head."</p> + +<p>"Of course you do, and unless you do something for it, you'll be dead in +a short time, I assure you. Take my advice now, go back aboard the boat, +swallow down a gill of brandy, get into your state-room, and cover up +with blankets. Stay there till you perspire freely, then leave here like +lightning!"</p> + +<p>Hoosier hurried on board the boat, and followed Dick's instructions to +the letter. He says he never will forget the kindness of the tall man in +Mobile, who gave him such good advice.</p> + + + +<h3>LET OFF.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Boy!</span> did you let off that gun?" exclaimed an enraged schoolmaster.</p> + +<p>"Yes, master."</p> + +<p>"Well, what do you think I'll do to you?"</p> + +<p>"Why, let me off!"</p> + + + +<h3>COMPLIMENTARY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> expatiating upon the good looks of women, declared that he +had never yet seen an ugly woman. One who was extremely flat nosed, +said,</p> + +<p>"Sir, I defy you not to find me ugly."</p> + +<p>"You, madam," he replied, "are an angel fallen from heaven, only you +have fallen on your nose."</p> + + + +<h3>KEEN RETORT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A priest</span> said to a peasant whom he thought rude, "You are better fed +than taught." "Shud think I was," replied the clodhopper, "as I feeds +myself and you teaches me."</p> + + + +<h3>THE AUCTIONEER AT HOME.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> auctioneer, vexed with his audience, said: "I am a mean fellow—mean +as dirt—and I feel at home in this company."</p> + + + +<h3>SACKS AND BAGS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Lover</span> tells a good anecdote of an Irishman giving the pass-word at +the battle of Fontenoy, at the same time the great Saxe was marshal.</p> + +<p>"The pass-word is Saxe; now don't forget it, Pat," said the Colonel.</p> + +<p>"Saxe! faith an' I won't. Wasn't me father a miller?"</p> + +<p>"Who goes there?" cries the sentinel, after he had arrived at the pass.</p> + +<p>Pat looked as confidential as possible, and whispered in a sort of howl,</p> + +<p>"Bags, yer honor."</p> + + + +<h3>ITERATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A servant</span> girl, on leaving her place, was accosted by her master as to +her reason for leaving.</p> + +<p>"Mistress is so quick-tempered that I cannot live with her," said the +girl.</p> + +<p>"Well," said the gentleman, "you know it is no sooner begun than it's +over."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir, and no sooner over than begun again."</p> + + + +<h3>QUID PRO QUO.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a case tried at the King's Bench, a witness was produced who had a +very red nose; and one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, being +desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was +sworn,</p> + +<p>"Well, let's hear what you have to say, with your copper nose."</p> + +<p>"Why, Sir," said he, "by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange my +copper nose for your brazen face."</p> + + + +<h3>HARD SQUEEZING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> from New York, who had been in Boston for the purpose of +collecting some money due him in that city, was about returning, when he +found that one bill of a hundred dollars had been overlooked. His +landlord, who knew the debtor, thought it a doubtful case; but added +that if it <i>was</i> collectable at all, a tall, rawboned Yankee, then +dunning a lodger in another part of the hall, would "worry it out" of +the man. Calling him up, therefore, he introduced him to the creditor, +who showed him the account.</p> + +<p>"Wall, Squire," said he, "'taint much use o' tryin', I guess. I <i>know</i> +that critter. You might as well try to squeeze ile out of Bunker Hill +Monument as to c'lect a debt out of him. But <i>any</i> how, Squire, what'll +you give, sposin' I <i>do</i> try?"</p> + +<p>"Well, Sir, the bill is one hundred dollars, I'll give you—yes, I'll +give you half, if you'll collect it."</p> + +<p>"'Greed," replied the collector, "there's no harm in <i>tryin'</i>, any +way."</p> + +<p>Some weeks after, the creditor chanced to be in Boston, and in walking +up Tremont street, encountered his enterprising friend.</p> + +<p>"Look o' here," said he, "Squire. I had considerable luck with that bill +o' yourn. You see, I stuck to him like a log to a root, but for the +first week or so 'twant no use—not a bit. If he was home, he was short; +if he <i>wasn't</i> home I could get no satisfaction. 'By the by,' says I, +after goin' sixteen times, 'I'll fix you!' says I. So I sat down on the +door-step, and sat all day and part of the evening, and I began airly +<i>next</i> day; but about ten o'clock he 'gin in.' <i>He paid me</i> <span class="smcap">MY</span> <i>half, +and I gin him up the note!</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>PAT'S RESPONSE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman was about to marry a Southern girl for her property. "Will +you take this woman to be your wedded wife?" said the minister. "Yes, +your riverence, and the <i>niggers</i> too," said Pat.</p> + + + +<h3>WANTED SATISFACTION.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Well</span>, Pat, Jimmy didn't quite kill you with a brickbat, did he?" "No, +but I wish he had." "What for?" "So I could have seen him hung, the +villain!"</p> + + + +<h3>MEAN <i>vs.</i> MEANS.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Is</span> Mr. Brown a man of means?" asked a gentleman of old Mrs. Fizzleton, +referring to one of her neighbors. "Well I reckon he ought to be," +drawled out the old bel-dame, "for he is just the meanest man in town."</p> + + + +<h3>WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR HOUSE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Arter</span> we wus married, we'll say about a year, wun mornin' thar wus a +terrible commoshun in our house—old wimmin a runnin in an out, and +finally the Doctor he cum. I was in a great hurry myself, wantin to +heer, I hardly noed what, but after a while, an ole granny of a woman, +as had been very busy about that, poked her head into the room whar I +was a walkin' about and ses:</p> + +<p>Ses she, "Mr. Sporum, hit's a gal."</p> + +<p>"What," ses I.</p> + +<p>"A gal," ses she, an with that she pops her head back agin.</p> + +<p>Well, thinks I, I'm the daddy uv a gal, and begin to feel my keepin' +mitely—I'd rather it was a boy tho', thinks I, fur then he'd feel +neerur to me, as how he'd bare my name and there be less chance fur the +Sporums to run out, but considerin' everything, a gal will do mi'ty +well. Jist then the ole nuss pokes her head out agin and ses,</p> + +<p>Ses she, "Anuther wun, Mr. Sporum; a fine boy."</p> + +<p>"Anuther," ses I, "that's rather crowdin' things on to a feller."</p> + +<p>She laffed and poked her he'd back. Well, thinks I, this is no joke +sure, at this lick I'll have family enuff to do me in a few years.</p> + +<p>Jis then the ole she devil (always shall hate her) pokes her he'd in, +and ses,</p> + +<p>Ses she, "Anuther gal, Mr. Sporum."</p> + +<p>"Anuther whot," ses I.</p> + +<p>"Anuther gal," ses she.</p> + +<p>"Well," ses I, "go rite strate and tell Sal I won't stand it, I don't +want 'em, and I ain't goin' to have 'em; dus she think I'm a Turk? or a +Mormon? or Brigham Young? that she go fur to have tribbles?—three at a +pop! Dus she think I'm wurth a hundred thousand dollars? that I'm Jo'n +Jacob Aster, or Mr. Roschile? that I kin afford thribbles, an clothe an +feed an school three children at a time? I ain't a goin' to stand it no +how, I didn't want 'em, I don't want 'em, and ain't a going to want 'em +now, nur no uther time. Hain't I bin a good and dootiful husband to Sal? +Hain't I kep' in doors uv a nite, an quit chawn tobacker and smokin' +segars just to please her? Hain't I attended devine worship reg'lar? +Hain't I bought her all the bonnets an frocks she wanted? an then for +her to go an have thribbs. She noed better an hadn't orter dun it. I +didn't think Sal wud serve me such a trick now. Have I ever stole a +horse? Have I ever done enny mean trick, that she should serve me in +this way?" An with that I laid down on the settee, an felt orful bad, an +the more I tho't about it, the wus I felt.</p> + +<p>Presently Sal's mammy, ole Miss Jones, cums in an ses,</p> + +<p>Ses she, "Peter, cum in and see what purty chillun you've got."</p> + +<p>"Chillun!" says I, "you'd better say a 'hole litter. Now Miss Jones, I +luv Sal you no, an have tried to make a good husban', but I call this a +scaly trick, an ef thar's any law in this country I'm goin' to see ef a +woman kin have thribbs, an make a man take keer uv 'em. I ain't goin' to +begin to do it," ses I.</p> + +<p>With that she laffed fit to kill herself, an made all sorts of fun of +me, an sed enny uther man would be proud to be in my shoes. I told her +I'd sell out mi'ty cheap ef enny body wanted to take my place. Well, the +upshot uv it wus that she pursuaded me that I wus 'rong, an got me to +go into the room whar they all wus.</p> + +<p>When I got in, Sal looked so lovin' at me, an reached out her little +hands so much like a poor, dear little helpless child, that I forgot +everything but my luv for her, and folded her gently up tu my h'art like +a precious treasure, and felt like I didn't keer ef she had too and +forty uv em. Jist then number wun set up a whine like a young pup, an +all the ballance follered. <i>Them thribbles noed their daddy.</i></p> + +<p>Well, everything wus made up, an Sal promised she wud never do it agin; +an sense then I have bin at work sertin, workin all day to make bred for +them thribs, an bissy nus'n uv 'em at nite. The fact is, ef I didn't +have a mi'ty good constitushun, I'd had to giv' in long ago. Number wun +has the collick an wakes up number too an he wakes up number three, an +so it goes, an me a flying about all the time a tryin' to keep 'em +quiet.</p> + + + +<h3>GENEROUS CHILD.</h3> + + +<p><i>Mother</i>—Here, Tommy, is some nice castor oil, with orange ice in it.</p> + +<p><i>Doctor</i>—Now, remember, don't give it all to Tommy, leave some for me.</p> + +<p><i>Tommy</i>—(who has "been there")—Doctor's a nice man, ma, give it all to +the Doctor!</p> + + + +<h3>ALL THE RECIPROCATING ON ONE SIDE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Can</span> you return my love, dearest Julia?" "Certainly, Sir, I don't want +it I'm sure."</p> + + + +<h3>HOW HE MEANT TO DO BETTER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A few</span> days since, as a lady of rather inquisitive character was visiting +our county seat, among other places she called at the Jail. She would +ask the different prisoners for what crime they were in there. It went +off well enough, till she came to a rather hard looking specimen of +humanity, whom she asked:</p> + +<p>"What are you in here for?"</p> + +<p>"For stealing a horse."</p> + +<p>"Are you not sorry for it?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Won't you try and do better next time?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Yes! I'll steal two.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>DUTCH SOLILOQUY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Dutchman's</span> heart-rending soliloquy is described thus: "She lofes Shon +Mickle so much better as I, pecause he's cot koople tollers more as I +has!"</p> + + + +<h3>JUST ALIKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A stuttering</span> man at a public table, had occasion to use a pepper box. +After shaking it with all due vengeance, and turning it in various ways, +he found that the pepper was in no wise inclined to come forth.</p> + +<p>"T-th-this-p-pep-per box," he exclaimed, with a sagacious grin, "is +so-something like myself."</p> + +<p>"Why?" asked a neighbor.</p> + +<p>"P-poor-poor delivery," he replied.</p> + + + +<h3>STORY OF A WIG.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Ellenborough</span> was once about to go on the circuit, when Lady E. said +that she should like to accompany him. He replied that he had no +objections, provided she did not encumber the carriage with bandboxes, +which were his utter abhorrence. They set off. During the first day's +journey, Lord Ellenborough, happening to stretch his legs, struck his +feet against something below the seat. He discovered that it was a +bandbox. His indignation is not to be described. Up went the window, and +out went the bandbox. The coachman stopped; and the footman, thinking +that the bandbox had tumbled out of the window by some extraordinary +chance, was going to pick it up, when Lord Ellenborough furiously called +out, "Drive on!" The bandbox accordingly was left by a ditch side. +Having reached the county-town, where he was to officiate as judge, Lord +Ellenborough proceeded to array himself for his appearance in the +court-house. "Now," said he, "where's my wig,—where <i>is</i> my wig?" "My +Lord," replied his attendant, "it was thrown out of the carriage +window."</p> + + + +<h3>A SINGULAR FORGIVENESS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir</span> Walter Scott, in his article in the <i>Quarterly Review</i>, on the +Culloden papers, mentions a characteristic instance of an old Highland +warrior's mode of pardon. "You must forgive even your bitterest enemy, +Kenmuir, now," said the confessor to him, as he lay gasping on his +death-bed. "Well, if I must, I must," replied the Chieftain, "but my +curse be on you, Donald," turning towards his son, "if you forgive +him."</p> + + + +<h3>CABBAGE AND DITTO.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">We</span> have just now heard a cabbage story which we will cook up for our +laughter loving readers:</p> + +<p>"Oh! I love you like anything," said a young countryman to his +sweetheart, warmly pressing her hand.</p> + +<p>"Ditto," said she gently returning his pressure.</p> + +<p>The ardent lover, not happening to be over and above learned, was sorely +puzzled to understand the meaning of ditto—but was ashamed to expose +his ignorance by asking the girl. He went home, and the next day being +at work in a cabbage patch with his father, he spoke out:</p> + +<p>"Daddy, what's the meaning of ditto?"</p> + +<p>"Why," said the old man, "this here is one cabbage head, ain't it?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, daddy."</p> + +<p>"Well, that ere's ditto."</p> + +<p>"Rot that good-for-nothing gal!" ejaculated the indignant son; "she +called me a cabbage head, and I'll be darned if ever I go to see her +again."</p> + + + +<h3>FLAG AT HALF-MAST.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old sailor, at the theatre, said he supposed that dancing girls wore +their dresses at half-mast as a mark of respect to departed modesty.</p> + + + +<h3>LONGFELLOW.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one having lavishly lauded Longfellow's aphorism, "Suffer, and be +strong," a matter-of-fact man observed that it was merely a variation of +the old English adage, "Grin, and bear it."</p> + + + +<h3>A SORREL SHEEP.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> years ago, a bill was up before the Alabama Legislature for +establishing a Botanical College at Wetumpka. Several able speakers had +made long addresses in support of the bill when one Mr. Morrisett, from +Monroe, took the floor. With much gravity he addressed the House as +follows: "Mr. Speaker, I cannot support this bill unless assured that a +distinguished friend of mine is made one of the professors. He is what +the bill wishes to make for us, a regular root doctor, and will suit the +place exactly. He became a doctor in two hours, and it only cost him +twenty dollars to complete his education. He bought a book, Sir, and +read the chapter on fevers, that was enough. He was called to see a sick +woman indeed, and he felt her wrist, looked into her mouth, and then, +turning to her husband, asked solemnly, if he had a 'sorrel sheep?' +'Why, no, I never heard of such a thing.' Said the doctor, nodding his +head knowingly, 'Have you got a sorrel horse then?' 'Yes,' said the man, +'I drove him to the mill this morning.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'he +must be killed immediately, and some soup made of him for your wife.' +The woman turned her head away, and the astonished man inquired if +something else would not do for the soup, the horse was worth a hundred +dollars, and was all the one he had. 'No,' said the doctor, 'the book +says so, and if you don't believe it I will read it to you: Good for +fevers—sheep sorrel or horse sorrel. There, Sir.' 'Why, doctor,' said +the man and his wife, 'it don't mean a sorrel sheep or horse, but—' +'Well, I know what I am about,' interrupted the doctor; 'that's the way +we doctors read it, and we understand it.' "Now," continued the +speaker, amidst the roars of the house, "unless my sorrel doctor can be +one of the professors, I must vote against this bill." The blow most +effectually killed the bill, it is needless to state.</p> + + + +<h3>EDITORIALS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A noted</span> chap once stepped in the sanctum of a venerable and highly +respected editor, and indulged in a tirade against a citizen with whom +he was on bad terms. "I wish," said he, addressing the man with the pen, +"that you would write a severe article against R——, and put it in your +paper." "Very well," was the reply. After some more conversation the +visitor went away. The next morning he came rushing into the office, in +a violent state of excitement. "What did you put in your paper? I have +had my nose pulled and been kicked twice." "I wrote a severe article, as +you desired," calmly returned the editor, "and signed your name to +it."—<i>Harrisburgh Telegraph.</i></p> + + + +<h3>COMPENSATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A miserly</span> old farmer, who had lost one of his best hands in the midst of +hay-making, remarked to the sexton, as he was filling up the grave: +"It's a sad thing to lose a good mower, at a time like this—but after +all, poor Tom was a great eater."</p> + + + +<h3>JUST RIGHT.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Is</span> that clock right over there?" asked a visitor. "Right over there? +Certainly; 'tain't nowhere else."</p> + + + +<h3>FUNNY MISTAKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Seaforth</span>, who was born deaf and dumb, was to dine, one day, with +Lord Melville. Just before the time of the company's arrival, Lady +Melville sent into the drawing-room, a lady of her acquaintance, who +could talk with her fingers to dumb people, that she might receive Lord +Seaforth. Presently, Lord Guilford entered the room, and the lady, +taking him for Lord Seaforth, began to ply her fingers very nimbly: Lord +Guilford did the same; and they had been carrying on a conversation in +this manner for about ten minutes, when Lady Melville joined them. Her +female friend immediately said, "Well, I have been talking away to this +dumb man." "Dumb!" cried Lord Guilford; "bless me, I thought <i>you</i> were +dumb."—I told this story (which is perfectly true) to Matthews; and he +said that he could make excellent use of it, at one of his evening +entertainments; but I know not if he ever did.—<i>Rogers' Table-talk.</i></p> + + + +<h3>FILIAL AFFECTION.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">If</span> ever I wanted anything of my father," said Sam, "I always asked for +it in a very 'spectful and obliging manner. If he didn't give it to me, +I took it, for fear I should be led to do anything wrong, through not +having it. I saved him a world o' trouble this way, Sir."—<i>Dickens.</i></p> + + + +<h3>DEFINITE INFORMATION.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Well</span>, Robert, how much did your pig weigh?" "It did not weigh as much +as I <i>expected</i>, and I always thought it <i>wouldn't</i>."—<i>Detroit +Spectator.</i></p> + + + +<h3>FRENCHMEN'S ENGLISH.</h3> + + +<p class="c sml">Copied, three years ago, from a card in the <i>Hôtel du Rhin</i>, at +Boulogne.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Special</span> omnibus, on the arrived and on the départure, of every convoy +of the railway. Restoration on the card, and dinners at all hour.</p> + +<p>Table d'hôte at ten half-past, one, and five o'clock.</p> + +<p>Bathing place horses and walking carriage.</p> + +<p>Interpreter attached to the hôtel. Great and little apartments with +saloon for family.</p> + +<p>This établissement entirely new, is admirably situed, on the centre of +the town at proximity of the theatre and coach office, close by the post +horses offer to the travellers all the comfortable désirable and is +proprietor posse by is diligence and is good tenuous justifyed the +confidence wich the travellers pleased to honoured him."</p> + +<p>(The orthography and pointing of the stops, are precisely as printed in +the card.)</p> + + + +<h3>ADMIRAL DUNCAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Duncan's</span> address to the officers, who came on board his ship for +instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both +laconic and humorous, "Gentlemen, you see a severe <i>winter</i> approaching; +I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire."</p> + + + +<h3>TOM DIBDIN'S TOAST.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Poor</span> Tom Dibdin, a convivial, but always a sober man, gives a delicate +allusion to the drinking propensity, in the following toast:—"May the +man who has a good wife, never be addicted to liquor (<i>lick +her</i>.)"—<i>Bentley's Miscellany.</i></p> + + + +<h3>KICKING A YANKEE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> handsome friend of ours, who a few weeks ago was poked out of a +comfortable office up the river, has taken himself to Bangor for a time +to recover from the wound inflicted upon his feelings by our +"unprincipled and immolating administration."</p> + +<p>Change of air must have had an instant effect upon his spirits, for, +from Galena, he writes us an amusing letter, which, among other things, +tells of a desperate quarrel that took place on board of a boat, between +a real live tourist and a real live Yankee settler. The latter trod on +the toes of the former, whereupon the former threatened to "kick out of +the cabin" the latter.</p> + +<p>"You'll kick me out of this cabing?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir, I'll kick you out of this cabin!"</p> + +<p>"You'll kick <i>me</i>, Mr. Hitchcock, out of this cabing?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir, I'll kick <i>you</i>, Mr. Hitchcock!"</p> + +<p>"Well, I guess," said the Yankee, very coolly, after being perfectly +satisfied that it was himself that stood in such imminent danger of +assault, "I guess, since you talk of kicking, you've never heard me tell +about old Bradly and my mare to hum?"</p> + +<p>"No, Sir, nor do I wish—"</p> + +<p>"Wall, guess it won't set you back much, any how, as kicking's generally +best to be considered on. You see old Bradly is one of those +sanctimonious, long-faced hypocrites who put on a religious suit every +Sabbath day morning, and with a good deal of screwing, manage to keep it +on till after sermon in the afternoon; and as I was a Universalist, he +allers picked me out as a subject for religious conversation—and the +darned hypocrite would talk about heaven, and hell, and the devil—the +crucifixion and prayer without ever winking. Wall, he had an old roan +mare that would jump over any fourteen rail fence in Illinois, and open +any door in any barn that hadn't a padlock on it. Tu or three times I +found her in my stable, and I told Bradly about it, and he was 'very +sorry—an unruly animal—would watch'—and a hull lot of such things; +all said in a serious manner, with a face twice as long as old deacon +Farrar's on sacrament day.</p> + +<p>"I knew, all the time, he was lying, and so I watched him and his old +roan tu; and for three nights regular, old roan came to my stable about +bed-time, and just at day-light Bradly would come, bridle her, and ride +off. I then just took my old mare down to a blacksmith's shop and had +some shoes made with corks about four inches long, and had 'em nailed on +her hind feet. Your heels, mister, ain't nuthin to 'em. I took her +hum—gave her about ten feet halter, tied her right in the centre of the +stable, fed her well with oats at nine o'clock, and after taking a good +smoke, went to bed, knowing that my old mare was a truth-telling animal, +and that she'd give a good report of herself in the morning.</p> + +<p>"I hadn't got fairly asleep before the old woman hunched me, and wanted +to know what on airth was the matter out in the stable. So says I, 'Go +to sleep, Peggy, it's nothing but Kate—she's kicking off flies, I +guess.' Putty soon she hunched me again, and says, 'Mr. Hitchcock, du +get up, and see what in the world is the matter with Kate, for she is +kicking most powerfully.'</p> + +<p>"'Lay still, Peggy, Kate will take care of herself, I guess.'</p> + +<p>"Well the next morning, about daylight, Bradly, with bridle in hand, cum +to the stable, and true as the book of Genesis, when he saw the old +roan's sides, starn, and head, he cursed and swore worse than you did, +mister, when I came down on your toes. After breakfast that morning, Joe +Davis cum down to my house, and says he—</p> + +<p>"'Bradly's old roan is nearly dead—she's cut all to pieces, and can +scarcely move.'</p> + +<p>"'I want to know,' says I; 'how on airth did it happen?'</p> + +<p>"Now Joe was a member of the same church with Bradly, and whilst we were +talking, up cum the everlastin hypocrite, and says he,</p> + +<p>"'My old mare is ruined!'</p> + +<p>"'Du tell!' says I.</p> + +<p>"'She is all cut to pieces,' says he; 'do you know whether she was in +your stable, Mr. Hitchcock, last night?'</p> + +<p>"Wall, mister, with this I let out: 'Do I <i>know</i> it?'—(the Yankee here, +in illustration, made way for him, unconsciously, as it were.) 'Do I +know it, you no-souled, shad-bellied, squash-headed old night owl, +you!—you hay-lookin, corn-cribbin, fodder-fudgin, cent-shavin, +whitlin-of-nothin, you? Kate kicks like a dumb beast, but I have reduced +the thing to a science!'"</p> + +<p>The Yankee had not ceased to advance, nor the dandy, in his +astonishment, to retreat; and now the motion of the latter being +accelerated by the apparent demonstration on the part of the former to +suit the action to the word, he found himself in the "social hall," +tumbling backwards over a pile of baggage, tearing the knees of his +pants as he scrambled up, and a perfect scream of laughter stunning him +on all sides. The defeat was total. A few moments afterward he was seen +dragging his own trunk ashore, while Mr. Hitchcock finished his story on +the boiler deck.—<i>St. Louis Reveille.</i></p> + + + +<h3>DANCING THEIR RAGS OFF.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> unsophisticated country lasses visited Niblo's in New York during +the ballet season. When the short-skirted, gossamer clad nymphs made +their appearance on the stage they became restless and fidgety.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Annie!" exclaimed one <i>sotto voce</i>.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mary?"</p> + +<p>"It ain't nice—I don't like it."</p> + +<p>"Hush."</p> + +<p>"I don't care, it ain't nice, and I wonder aunt brought us to such a +place."</p> + +<p>"Hush, Mary, the folks will laugh at you."</p> + +<p>After one or two flings and a pirouette, the blushing Mary said:</p> + +<p>"Oh, Annie, let's go—it ain't nice, and I don't feel comfortable."</p> + +<p>"Do hush, Mary," replied the sister, whose own face was scarlet, though +it wore an air of determination: "it's the first time I ever was at a +theatre, and I suppose it will be the last, <i>so I am just going to stay +it out, if they dance every rag off their backs</i>!"</p> + + + +<h3>DISINTERESTED ADVICE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Husband</span>, I have the asthma so bad that I can't breathe." "Well, my +dear, I wouldn't try; nobody wants you to."</p> + + + +<h3>AN EDITOR DREAMING ON WEDDING CAKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A bachelor</span> editor out West, who had received from the fair hand of a +bride, a piece of elegant wedding-cake to dream on, thus gives the +result of his experience.</p> + +<p>"We put it under the head of our pillow, shut our eyes sweetly as an +infant blessed with an easy conscience, and snored prodigiously. The God +of dreams gently touched us, and lo! in fancy we were married! Never was +a little editor so happy. It was 'my love,' 'dearest,' 'sweetest,' +ringing in our ears every moment. Oh! that the dream had broken off +here. But no! some evil genius put it into the head of our ducky to have +pudding for dinner just to please her lord.</p> + +<p>"In a hungry dream, we sat down to dinner. Well, the pudding moment +arrived, and a huge slice almost obscured from sight the plate before +us.</p> + +<p>"'My dear,' said we fondly, 'did you make this?'</p> + +<p>"'Yes, my love, ain't it nice?'</p> + +<p>"'Glorious—the best bread pudding I ever tasted in my life.'</p> + +<p>"'Plum pudding, ducky,' suggested my wife.</p> + +<p>"'O, no, dearest, bread pudding. I was always fond of 'em.'</p> + +<p>"'Call them bread pudding!' exclaimed my wife, while her lips slightly +curled with contempt.</p> + +<p>"'Certainly, my dear—reckon I've had enough at the Sherwood House, to +know bread pudding, my love, by all means.'</p> + +<p>"'Husband—this is really too bad—plum pudding is twice as hard to make +as bread pudding, and is more expensive, and is a great deal better. I +say this is plum pudding, sir!' and my pretty wife's brow flushed with +excitement.</p> + +<p>"'My love, my sweet, my dear love,' exclaimed we soothingly, 'do not get +angry. I am sure it is very good, if it is bread pudding.'</p> + +<p>"'You mean, low wretch,' fiercely replied my wife, in a higher tone, +'you know it's plum pudding.'</p> + +<p>"'Then, ma'am, it's so meanly put together and so badly burned, that the +devil himself wouldn't know it. I tell you, madam, most distinctly and +emphatically, that it is bread pudding and the meanest kind at that.'</p> + +<p>"'It is plum pudding,' shrieked my wife, as she hurled a glass of claret +in my face, the glass itself tapping the claret from my nose.</p> + +<p>"'Bread pudding!' gasped we, pluck to the last, and grasped a roasted +chicken by the left leg.</p> + +<p>"'Plum pudding!' rose above the din, as I had a distinct perception of +feeling two plates smashed across my head.</p> + +<p>"'Bread pudding!' we groaned in a rage, as the chicken left our hand and +flying with swift wing across the table landed in madam's bosom.</p> + +<p>"'Plum pudding!' resounded the war-cry from the enemy, as the gravy-dish +took us where we had been depositing a part of our dinner, and a plate +of beets landed upon our white vest.</p> + +<p>"'Bread pudding forever!' shouted we in defiance, dodging the soup +tureen, and falling beneath its contents.</p> + +<p>"'Plum pudding!' yelled the amiable spouse; noticing our misfortune, she +determined to keep us down by piling upon our head the dishes with no +gentle hand. Then in rapid succession, followed the war-cries. 'Plum +pudding!' she shrieked with every dish.</p> + +<p>"'Bread pudding,' in smothered tones, came up from the pile in reply. +Then it was 'plum pudding,' in rapid succession, the last cry growing +feebler, till just as I can distinctly recollect, it had grown to a +whisper. 'Plum pudding' resounded like thunder, followed by a tremendous +crash as my wife leaped upon the pile with her delicate feet, and +commenced jumping up and down, when, thank heaven! we awoke, and thus +saved our life. We shall never dream on wedding cake again—that's the +moral."</p> + + + +<h3>PAT QUERY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was threatening to beat a dog who barked intolerably. "Why," +exclaimed an Irishman, "would you beat the poor dumb animal for spakin' +out?"</p> + + + +<h3>FRIENDLY VISITS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was speaking the other day of the kindness of his friends in +visiting him. One old aunt in particular visited him twice a year, and +stayed six months each time.</p> + + + +<h3>REMOTE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I'd</span> have you to know, Mrs. Stoker, that my uncle was a banister of the +law."</p> + +<p>"A fig for your banister," retorted Mrs. Grumly, turning up her nose, +"haven't I a cousin as is a corridor in the navy?"</p> + + + +<h3>A CAT STORY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A philosophical</span> old gentleman was one day passing a new school-house, +erected somewhere towards the setting sun borders of our glorious Union, +when his attention was suddenly attracted to a crowd of persons gathered +around the door. He inquired of a boy, whom he met, what was going on.</p> + +<p>"Well, nothin', 'cept the skule committy, and they're goin' in."</p> + +<p>"A committee meets to-day! What for?"</p> + +<p>"Well," continued the boy, "you see Bill, that's our biggest boy, got +mad at the teacher, and so he went all round and gathered dead cats. +Nothin' but cats, and cats, and cats. Oh! it was orful, them cats!"</p> + +<p>"Pshaw! what have the cats to do with the school committee?"</p> + +<p>"Now, well, you see Bill kept a bringing cats and cats; allers a pilin' +them up yonder," pointing to a huge pile as large in extent as a +pyramid, and considerably aromatic, "and he piled them. Nothing but +cats, cats!"</p> + +<p>"Never mind, my son, what Bill did; what has the committee met for?"</p> + +<p>"Then Bill got sick haulin' them, and everybody got sick a nosin' them, +but Bill got madder, and didn't give it up, but kept a pilin' up the +cats and—"</p> + +<p>"Can you tell what the committee are holding a meeting for?"</p> + +<p>"Why, the skule committy are goin' to hold a meetin' up here to say +whether they'll move the skule house or the cats."</p> + +<p>The old gentleman evaporated immediately.</p> + + + +<h3>CONUNDRUMS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">If</span> a husband were to see his wife drowning, what single letter of the +alphabet would he name?—<i>Answer.</i> Let-her B.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">What</span> is most like a hen stealing?—<i>Ans.</i> A cock <i>robbing</i> (robin).</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">What</span> wind would a hungry sailor wish for, at sea?—<i>Ans.</i>—A wind that +blows <i>fowl</i> and then <i>chops</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> is a lane dangerous to walk in?—<i>Ans.</i> When the hedges are +<i>shooting</i>, and the <i>bull-rushes</i> out.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> what color should a secret be kept?—<i>Ans.</i> In violet (inviolate).</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">What</span> proof is there that Robinson Crusoe found his island +inhabited?—<i>Ans.</i> Because he saw a great swell pitching into a little +cove.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">What</span> was Joan of Arc made of?—<i>Ans.</i> <i>Maid</i> of Orleans.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Why</span> is the county of Bucks, like a drover's stick?—<i>Ans.</i> Because it +runs into <i>Oxon</i> (oxen) and Herts (<i>hurts</i>).</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Who</span> is the greatest dandy you meet at sea?—<i>Ans.</i> The great <i>swell</i> of +the ocean.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Why</span> may it be presumed that Moses wore a wig?—<i>Ans.</i> Because he was +sometimes seen with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without.</p> + + + +<h3>LOVE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A little</span> sighing, a little crying, a little dying, and a deal of +lying.—<i>Jonathan.</i></p> + + + +<h3>THE THIEF AND THE DUKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> great Duke of Marlborough, passing the gate of the Tower, after +having inspected that fortress, was accosted by an ill-looking fellow, +with, "How do you do, my Lord Duke? I believe your Grace and I have now +been in every jail in the kingdom?" "I believe, my friend," replied the +Duke, with surprise, "this is the only jail I ever visited." "Very +like," replied the other, "but I have been in all the rest."</p> + + + +<h3>LOSS OF TIME.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A devotee</span> lamented to her confessor, her love of gaming. "Ah, madam," +replied the priest, "it is a grievous sin:—in the first place, consider +the loss of time." "Yes," replied the fair penitent, "I have often +begrudged the time lost in <i>shuffling</i> and <i>dealing</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>UNEXPECTED REPLY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A preacher</span>, in Arabia, having for his text, a portion of the Koran, "I +have called Noah," after twice repeating his text, made a long pause; +when an Arab present, thinking that he was waiting for an answer, +exclaimed, "If Noah will not come, call somebody else."</p> + + + +<h3>GENEROUS.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I will</span> save you a thousand pounds," said a young buck to an old +gentleman. "How?" "You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten +thousand pounds as her portion." "I do." "Sir, I will take her with nine +thousand."</p> + + + +<h3>FRIENDLY BANTER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Friend Grace</span>, it seems, had a very good horse and a very poor one. When +seen riding the latter, he was asked the reason (it turned out that his +better half had taken the good one). "What!" said the bantering +bachelor, "how comes it you let your mistress ride the better horse?" +The only reply was—"Friend, when thee beest married theel't know."</p> + + + +<h3>TAKING A RECEIPT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Hartford Times vouches for the truth of the following story:</p> + +<p>"Pat Malone, you are fined five dollars for assault and battery on Mike +Sweeney."</p> + +<p>"I have the money in me pocket, and I'll pay the fine, if your honor +will give me the resate."</p> + +<p>"We give no receipts here. We just take the money. You will not be +called upon a second time for your fine."</p> + +<p>"But your honor, I'll not be wanting to pay the same till after I get +the resate."</p> + +<p>"What do you want to do with it?"</p> + +<p>"If your honor will write one and give it to me, I'll tell you."</p> + +<p>"Well, there's your receipt. Now what do you want to do with it?"</p> + +<p>"I'll tell your honor. You see, one of those days I'll be after dying, +and when I go to the gate of heaven I'll rap, and St. Peter will say, +'Who's there?' and I'll say, 'It's me, Pat Malone,' and he'll say, 'What +do you want?' and I'll say, 'I want to come in,' and he'll say, 'Did you +behave like a dacent boy in the other world, and pay all the fines and +such things?' and I'll say, 'Yes, your holiness,' and then he'll want to +see the resate, and I'll put my hand in my pocket and take out my resate +and give it to him, and I'll not have to go ploddin' all over hell to +find your honor to get one."</p> + + + +<h3>KIND FATHER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old gentleman says, he is the last man in the world to tyrannize over +a daughter's affections. So long as she marries the man of <i>his</i> choice, +he don't care who she loves.</p> + + + +<h3>DESTROYING THE ROMANCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A capital</span> story is told of a young fellow who one Sunday strolled into a +village church, and during the service was electrified and gratified by +the sparkling of a pair of eyes which were riveted upon his face. After +the service he saw the possessor of the shining orbs leave the church +alone, and emboldened by her glances, he ventured to follow her, his +heart aching with rapture. He saw her look behind, and fancied she +evinced some emotion at recognizing him. He then quickened his pace, and +she actually slackened hers, as if to let him come up with her—but we +will permit the young gentleman to tell the rest in his own way:</p> + +<p>"Noble young creature!" thought I, "her artless and warm heart is +superior to the bonds of custom.</p> + +<p>"I had reached within a stone's throw of her. She suddenly halted, and +turned her face toward me. My heart swelled to bursting. I reached the +spot where she stood, she began to speak, and I took off my hat as if +doing reverence to an angel.</p> + +<p>"'Are you a peddler?'</p> + +<p>"'No, my dear girl, that is not my occupation.'</p> + +<p>"'Well, I don't know,' continued she, not very bashfully, and eyeing me +very sternly, 'I thought when I saw you in the meetin' house that you +looked like a peddler who passed off a pewter half dollar on me three +weeks ago, an' so I just determined to keep an eye on you. Brother John +has got home now, and says if he catches the fellow he'll wring his neck +for him; and I ain't sure but you're the good-for-nothing rascal after +all!'"</p> + + + +<h3>DOING A YANKEE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Allen McNab</span> was once traveling by steamer, and as luck would have +it, was obliged to occupy a state-room with a full blooded Yankee. In +the morning, while Sir Allen was dressing, he beheld his companion +making thorough researches into his (Sir Allen's) dressing case. Having +completed his examination, he proceeded coolly to select the +tooth-brush, and therewith to bestow on his long yellow teeth an +energetic scrubbing. Sir Allen said not a word. When Jonathan had +concluded, the old Scotchman gravely set the basin on the floor, soaped +one foot well, and taking the tooth-brush, applied it vigorously to his +toes and toe-nails.</p> + +<p>"You dirty fellow," exclaimed the astonished Yankee, "what the mischief +are you doing that for?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," said Sir Allen coolly, "that's the brush I always do it with."</p> + + + +<h3>DROVERS <i>vs.</i> FOPS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Dinner</span> was spread in the cabin of that peerless steamer, the New World, +and a splendid company were assembled about the table. Among the +passengers thus prepared for gastronomic duty, was a little creature of +the genus Fop, decked daintily as an early butterfly, with kids of +irreproachable whiteness, "miraculous" neck-tie, and spider-like +quizzing glass on his nose. The little delicate animal turned his head +aside with,</p> + +<p>"Waitah!"</p> + +<p>"Sah!"</p> + +<p>"Bwing me a pwopellah of a fwemale woostah!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sah!"</p> + +<p>"And, waitah, tell the steward to wub my plate with a vegetable, +wulgarly called onion, which will give a delicious flavow to my dinnah."</p> + +<p>While the refined exquisite was giving his order, a jolly western drover +had listened with opened mouth and protruding eyes. When the diminutive +creature paused, he brought his fist down upon the table with a force +that made every dish bounce, and then thundered out:</p> + +<p>"Here you darned ace-of-spades!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sah!"</p> + +<p>"Bring me a thunderin' big plate of skunk's gizzards!"</p> + +<p>"Sah!"</p> + +<p>"And, old ink pot, tuck a horse blanket under my chin, and rub me down +with brickbats while I feed!"</p> + +<p>The poor dandy showed a pair of straight coat-tails instanter, and the +whole table joined in a "tremenjous" roar.</p> + + + +<h3>STORY OF AN ALMANAC MAKER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">David Ditson</span> was and is the great Almanac man, calculating the signs and +wonders in the heavens, and furnishing the astronomical matter with +which those very useful annuals abound. In former years it was his +custom, in all his almanacs, to utter sage predictions as to the +weather, at given periods in the course of the revolving year. Thus he +would say, 'About—this—time—look—out—for—a—change—of—weather; +and by stretching such a prophecy half-way down the page, he would make +very sure that in some one of the days included, the event foretold +would come to pass. He got cured of this spirit of prophecy, in a very +remarkable manner. One summer day, clear and calm as a day could be, he +was riding on horseback; it was before railroads were in vogue, and +being on a journey some distance from home, and wishing to know how far +it was to the town he was going to visit, he stopped at the roadside and +inquired of a farmer at work in the field. The farmer told him it was +six miles; "but," he added, "you must ride sharp, or you will get a wet +jacket before you reach it."</p> + +<p>"A wet jacket!" said the astronomer; "you don't think it is going to +rain, do you?"</p> + +<p>"No, I don't <i>think</i> so, I know so," replied the farmer; "and the longer +you sit there, the more likely you are to get wet."</p> + +<p>David thought the farmer a fool, and rode on, admiring the blue sky +uncheckered by a single cloud. He had not proceeded more than half the +distance to the town before the heavens were overcast, and one of those +sudden showers not unusual in this latitude came down upon him. There +was no place for shelter, and he was drenched to the skin. But the rain +was soon over, and David thought within himself, that old man must have +some way of guessing the weather that beats all my figures and facts. I +will ride back and get it out of him. It will be worth more than a day's +work to learn a new sign. By the time he had reached the farmer's field +again, the old man had resumed his labor, and David accosted him very +respectfully:</p> + +<p>"I say, my good friend, I have come all the way back to ask you how you +were able to say that it would certainly rain to-day?"</p> + +<p>"Ah," said the sly old fellow, "and wouldn't you like to know!"</p> + +<p>"I would certainly; and as I am much interested in the subject, I will +willingly give you five dollars for your rule."</p> + +<p>The farmer acceded to the terms, took the money, and proceeded to say:</p> + +<p>"Well, you see now, we all use David Ditson's almanacs around here, and +he is the greatest liar that ever lived; for whenever he says 'it's +going to rain,' we know it ain't; and when he says 'fair weather,' we +look out for squalls. Now this morning I saw it put down for to-day +<i>Very pleasant</i>, and I knew for sartin it would rain before night. +That's the rule. Use David's Almanac, and always read it just t'other +way."</p> + +<p>The crest-fallen astronomer plodded on his weary way, another example of +a fool and his money soon parted. But that was the end of his +prophesying. Since that he has made his almanacs without weatherwise +sayings, leaving every man to guess for himself.</p> + + + +<h3>HOW TO BOARD AND LODGE IN NEW YORK.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> <i>Philadelphia Chronicle</i> calls the hero of the following story a +Yankee, but he will wager a sixpence that he was born in Pennsylvania. +But no matter, it is a good joke:—"'What do you charge for board?' +asked a tall Green Mountain boy, as he walked up to the bar of a +second-rate hotel in New York—'what do you ask a week for board and +lodging?' 'Five dollars.' 'Five dollars! that's too much; but I s'pose +you'll allow for the times I am absent from dinner and supper?' +'Certainly; thirty-seven and a half cents each.' Here the conversation +ended, and the Yankee took up his quarters for two weeks. During this +time, he lodged and breakfasted at the hotel, but did not take either +dinner or supper, saying his business detained him in another portion of +the town. At the expiration of the two weeks, he again walked up to the +bar, and said, 'S'pose we settle that account—I'm going, in a few +minutes.' The landlord handed him his bill—'Two weeks board at five +dollars—ten dollars.' 'Here, stranger,' said the Yankee, 'this is +wrong—you've made a mistake; you've not deducted the times I was absent +from dinner and supper—14 days, two meals per day; 28 meals, at 37½ +cents each; 10 dollars 50 cents. If you've not got the fifty cents +that's due to me, <i>I'll take a drink, and the balance in cigars</i>!"</p> + + + +<h3>NEVER SAY DIE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> politicians have thrown me overboard," said a disappointed +politician; "but I have strength enough to swim to the other side."</p> + + + +<h3>HOW TO BECOME A CONNOISSEUR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sposin'</span> it's pictures that's on the carpet, wait till you hear the name +of the painter. If it's Rubens, or any o' them old boys, praise, for +it's agin the law to doubt them; but if it's a new man, and the company +ain't most especial judges, criticise. "A leetle out o' keeping," says +you. "He don't use his grays enough, nor glaze down well. That shadder +wants depth. General effect is good, though parts ain't. Those eyebrows +are heavy enough for stucco," says you, and other unmeaning terms like +these. It will pass, I tell you. Your opinion will be thought great. +Them that judged the cartoons at Westminster Hall, knew plaguey little +more nor that. But if this is a portrait of the lady of the house, +hangin' up, or it's at all like enough to make it out, stop—gaze on it, +walk back, close your fingers like a spy-glass, and look through 'em +amazed like—enchanted—chained to the spot. Then utter, unconscious +like, "That's a most beautiful pictur'. By heavens! that's a speakin' +portrait. It's well painted, too. But whoever the artist is, he is an +unprincipled man." "Good gracious!" she'll say, "how so?" "'Cause, +madam, he has not done you justice."—<i>Sam Slick.</i></p> + + + +<h3>BOOTS.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I bought</span> <i>them</i> boots to wear only when I go into genteel society," +said one of the codfish tribe, to a wag, the other day.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you did, eh?" quoth the wag. "Well, then, in that case, <i>them</i> +boots will be likely to last you a lifetime, and be worth something to +your heirs."—Exit codfish, rather huffy.</p> + + + +<h3>SOUR KROUT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the territory now composing the State of Ohio was first organized +into a government, and Congressmen about being elected, there were two +candidates, both men of standing and ability, brought out in that +fertile region watered by the beautiful Muskingum.</p> + +<p>Mr. Morgan, the one, was a reluctant aspirant for the honor, but he +payed his respects to the people by calling meetings at various points +and addressing them. In one part of the district there was a large and +very intelligent German settlement, and it was generally conceded that +their vote, usually given one way, would be decisive of the contest. To +secure this important interest, Mr. Morgan, in the course of the +campaign, paid this part of the district a visit, and by his +condescension and polite manner, made a most favourable impression on +the entire population—the electors, in fact, all pledging themselves to +cast their votes for him.</p> + +<p>Colonel Jackson, the opposing candidate, and ambitious for the office, +hearing of this successful move on the part of his opponent, determined +to counteract it if possible. To this end he started for the +all-important settlement. On introducing himself, and after several +fruitless attempts to dissipate the favourable effects of Mr. Morgan's +visit, he was finally informed by one of the leading men of the precinct +that:</p> + +<p>"It ish no good you coming hare, Colonel Shackson, we have all promisht +to vote for our friendt, Meisther Morgans."</p> + +<p>"Ah! ha!" says the Colonel: "but did you hear what Mr. Morgan did when +he returned from visiting you?"</p> + +<p>"No, vat vas it?"</p> + +<p>"Why, he ordered his chamber-maid to bring him some soap and warm water, +that he might wash the sour krout off his hands."</p> + +<p>The Colonel left, and in a few days the election coming off, each +candidate made his appearance at the critical German polls.</p> + +<p>The votes were then given <i>viva voce</i>, and you may readily judge of Mr. +Morgan's astonishment as each lusty Dutchman announced the name of +Colonel Shackson, holding up his hand toward the outwitted candidate, +and indignantly asking:</p> + +<p>"Ah! ha! Meisther Morgans, you zee ony zour krout dare?"</p> + +<p>It is needless to say that Colonel Shackson took a seat in the next +Congress.</p> + + + +<h3>CONFESSION.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Susan</span>, stand up and let me see what you have learned. What does +c-h-a-i-r spell?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know, marm."</p> + +<p>"Why, you ignorant critter! What do you always sit on?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, marm, I don't like to tell."</p> + +<p>"What on earth is the matter with the gal?—tell what is it."</p> + +<p>"I don't like to tell—it was Bill Crass's knee, but he never kissed me +but twice."</p> + +<p>"Airthquake and apple-sarse!" exclaimed the schoolmistress, and she +fainted.</p> + + + +<h3>A HAY FIELD ANECDOTE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old gentleman who was always bragging how folks used to work in his +young days, one time challenged his two sons to pitch on a load of hay +as fast as he could load it.</p> + +<p>The challenge was accepted and the hay-wagon driven round and the trial +commenced. For some time the old man held his own very creditably, +calling out, tauntingly, "More hay! more hay!"</p> + +<p>Thicker and faster it came. The old man was nearly covered; still he +kept crying, "More hay! more hay!" until struggling to keep on the top +of the disordered and ill-arranged heap, it began first to roll, then to +slide, and at last off it went from the wagon, and the old man with it.</p> + +<p>"What are you down here for?" cried the boys.</p> + +<p>"I came down after hay," answered the old man, stoutly.</p> + +<p>Which was a literal fact. He had come down after the wagon load, which +had to be pitched on again rather more deliberately.</p> + + + +<h3>WHY BROTHER DICKSON LEFT THE CHURCH.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Dickson</span>, a colored barber, was shaving one of his customers, a +respectable citizen, one morning, when a conversation occurred between +them respecting Mr. Dickson's former connection with a colored church in +the place.</p> + +<p>"I believe you are connected with the church in ——street, Mr. +Dickson," said the customer.</p> + +<p>"So, Sah, not at all."</p> + +<p>"What! are you not a member of the African Church?"</p> + +<p>"Not dis year, Sah."</p> + +<p>"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson? if I may be permitted +to ask."</p> + +<p>"Why, I tell you, Sah," said Mr. Dickson, strapping a concave razor on +the palm of his hand.</p> + +<p>"It was just like dis. I jined dat church in good faif. I gib ten +dollars toward de stated preaching ob de Gospel de fus' year, and de +peepil all call me Brudder Dickson. De second year my business not good, +and I only gib five dollars. Dat year the church peepil call me Mr. +Dickson.</p> + +<p>"Dis razor hurt you, Sah?"</p> + +<p>"No; the razor goes very well."</p> + +<p>"Well, Sah, de third year I felt very poor, sickness in my family, and +didn't gib nuffin for the preaching. Well, Sah, after dat they call me +Old Nigger Dickson, and I leff 'em."</p> + +<p>So saying, Mr. Dickson brushed his customer's hair and the gentleman +departed, well satisfied with the reason why Mr. Dickson left the +church.</p> + + + +<h3>FORESIGHT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lady in the interior, thinks of going to California to get +married, for the reason that she has been told that in that country the +men folks "rock the cradle."</p> + + + +<h3>VICE VERSA.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">What</span> is the difference between an attempted homicide, and a hog +butchery? One is an assault with intent to kill, and the other is a kill +with intent to salt.</p> + + + +<h3>HUMAN NATURE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Here</span>, reader, is a little picture of <i>one</i> kind of "human nature," that, +while it will make you laugh, conveys at the same time a lesson not +unworthy of heed. The story is of a gentleman traveling through Canada +in the winter of 1839, who, after a long day's ride, stopped at a +roadside inn called the "Lion Tavern," where the contents of the stage +coach, numbering some nine persons, soon gathered round the cheerful +fire.</p> + +<p>Among the occupants of the room was an ill-looking cur, who had shown +its wit by taking up its quarters in so comfortable an apartment. After +a few minutes the landlord entered, and observing the dog, remarked:</p> + +<p>"Fine dog, that! is he yours, Sir?" appealing to one of the passengers.</p> + +<p>"No, Sir."</p> + +<p>"<i>Beautiful</i> dog! <i>yours</i>, Sir?" addressing himself to a second.</p> + +<p>"<i>No!</i>" was the blunt reply.</p> + +<p>"Come here, Pup! Perhaps he is <i>yours</i>, Sir?"</p> + +<p>"No!" was again the reply.</p> + +<p>"Very sagacious animal! Belongs to <span class="smcap">you</span>, I suppose, Sir?"</p> + +<p>"No, he doesn't!"</p> + +<p>"Then he is <i>yours</i>, and you have a treasure in him, Sir?" at the same +time throwing the animal a cracker.</p> + +<p>"No, Sir, he is not!"</p> + +<p>"Oh!" (<i>with a smile</i>) "he belongs to <i>you</i>, as a matter of course, +then?" addressing the last passenger.</p> + +<p>"<i>Me!</i> I wouldn't have him as a gift!"</p> + +<p>"Then, you dirty, mean, contemptible whelp, get out!" And with that the +host gave him such a kick as sent him howling into the street, amidst +the roars of the company.</p> + +<p>There was <i>one</i> honest dog in that company, but the two-legged specimen +was a little "too sweet to be wholesome."</p> + + + +<h3>JOHN KEMBLE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Moore</span> mentions in his diary a very amusing anecdote of John Kemble. He +was performing one night at some country theatre, in one of his +favourite parts, and being interrupted from time to time by the +squalling of a child in one of the galleries, he became not a <i>little</i> +angry at the rival performance. Walking with solemn step to the front of +the stage, and addressing the audience in his most tragic tone, he said:</p> + +<p>"Unless <i>the play</i> is stopped, <i>the child</i> can not possibly go on!"</p> + +<p>The loud laugh which followed this ridiculous transposition of his +meaning, relaxed even the nerves of the immortal Hamlet, and he was +compelled to laugh with his auditors.</p> + + + +<h3>CONFESSION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A priest</span> of Basse Bretagne, finding his duty somewhat arduous, +particularly the number of his confessing penitents, said from the +pulpit one Sunday:</p> + +<p>"Brethren, to avoid confusion at the confessional this week, I will on +Monday confess the liars, on Tuesday the thieves, Wednesday the +gamblers, Thursday the drunkards, Friday the women of bad life, and +Saturday the libertines."</p> + +<p>Strange to relate, nobody came that week to confess their sins.</p> + + + +<h3>A SLEEPY DEACON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> are times and seasons when sleep is never appropriate, and with +these may be classed the sleep of the good old Cincinnati deacon.</p> + +<p>The deacon was the owner and overseer of a large pork-packing +establishment. His duty it was to stand at the head of the scalding +trough, watch in hand, to "time" the length of the scald, crying "Hog +in!" when the just slaughtered hog was to be thrown into the trough, and +"Hog out!" when the watch told three minutes. One week the press of +business compelled the packers to unusually hard labor, and Saturday +night found the deacon completely exhausted. Indeed, he was almost sick +the next morning, when church time came; but he was a leading member, +and it was his duty to attend the usual Sabbath service, if he could. He +went. The occasion was of unusual solemnity, as a revival was in +progress. The minister preached a sermon, well calculated for effect. +His peroration was a climax of great beauty. Assuming the attitude of +one intently listening, he recited to the breathless auditory:</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Hark, they whisper; angels say—</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>"<i>Hog in!</i>" came from the deacon's pew, in a stentorian voice. The +astonished audience turned their attention from the preacher. He went +on, however, unmoved—</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Sister spirit, come away."</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>"<i>Hog out!</i>" shouted the deacon, "<i>tally four</i>."</p> + +<p>This was too much for the preacher and the audience. The latter smiled, +some snickered audibly, while a few boys broke for the door, to "split +their sides," laughing outside, within full hearing. The preacher was +entirely disconcerted, sat down, arose again, pronounced a brief +benediction, and dismissed the anything else than solemn minded hearers. +The deacon soon came to a realizing sense of his unconscious interlude, +for his brethren reprimanded him severely; while the boys caught the +infection of the joke, and every possible occasion afforded an +opportunity for them to say, "<i>Hog in!</i>" "<i>Hog out!</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>LOST IN A FOG.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Suppose</span> you are lost in a fog," said Lord C—— to his noble relative, +the Marchioness, "what are you most likely to be?" "Mist, of course," +replied her ladyship.</p> + + + +<h3>NO MISTAKE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> don't seem to know how to take me," said a vulgar fellow to a +gentleman he had insulted. "Yes, I do," said the gentleman, taking him +by the nose.</p> + + + +<h3>RESPECT FOR APPEARANCES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> a Sunday, a lady called to her little boy, who was tossing marbles on +the side walk, to come in the house.</p> + +<p>"Don't you know you should not be out there, my son?" said she. "Go into +the back yard, if you want to play marbles; it is Sunday."</p> + +<p>"I will," answered the little boy; "but ain't it Sunday in the back +yard, mother?"</p> + + + +<h3>MAKING THE RESPONSES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> ignorant fellow, who was about to get married, resolved to make +himself perfect in the responses of the marriage service; but, by +mistake, he committed the office of baptism for those of riper years; so +when the clergyman asked him in the church, "Wilt thou have this woman +to be thy wedded wife?" the bridegroom answered, in a very solemn tone, +"I renounce them all." The astonished minister said, "I think you are a +fool!" to which he replied, "All this I steadfastly believe."</p> + + + +<h3>PERSONAL IDENTITY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> ill-looking fellow was asked how he could account for nature's +forming him so ugly. "Nature was not to blame," said he; "for when I was +two months old, I was considered the handsomest child in the +neighborhood, but my nurse one day <i>swapped</i> me away for another boy +just to please a friend, whose child was rather plain looking."</p> + + + +<h3>IKE PARTINGTON AND PUGILISM.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Partington</span> was much surprised to find Ike, one rainy afternoon, in +the spare room, with the rag-bag hung to the bed-post, which he was +belaboring very lustily with his fists as huge as two one cent apples.</p> + +<p>"What gymnastiness are you doing here?" said she, as she opened the +door.</p> + +<p>He did not stop, and merely replying, "Training," continued to pitch in. +She stood looking at him as he danced around the bag, busily punching +its rotund sides.</p> + +<p>"That's the Morrissey touch," said he, giving one side a dig; "and +that," hitting the other side, "is the Benicia Boy."</p> + +<p>"Stop!" she said, and he immediately stopped after he had given the last +blow for Morrissey. "I am afraid the training you are having isn't +good," said she, "and I think you had better train in some other +company. I thought your going into compound fractures in school would be +dilatorious to you. I don't know who Mr. Morrissey is, and I don't want +to, but I hear that he has been whipping the Pernicious Boy, a poor lad +with a sore leg, and I think he should be ashamed of himself." Ike had +read the "<i>Herald</i>," with all about "the great prize fight" in it, and +had become entirely carried away with it.</p> + + + +<h3>GEORGE SELWYN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">George Selwyn</span> was telling at dinner-table, in the midst of a large +company, and with great glee, of the execution of Lord Lovat, which he +had witnessed. The ladies were shocked at the levity he manifested, and +one of them reproached him, saying,</p> + +<p>"How could you be such a barbarian as to see the head of a man cut off?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," said he, "if that was any great crime, I am sure I made amends for +it; for I went to see it sewed on again."</p> + + + +<h3>PROMPT REPLY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A fop</span> in company, wanting his servant, called out:</p> + +<p>"Where's that blockhead of mine?" A lady present, answered, "On your +shoulders, Sir."</p> + + + +<h3>DIVISION OF TIME.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Murphy</span>," said an employer, the other morning, to one of his workmen, +"you came late this morning, the other men were an hour before you." +"Sure, and I'll be even wit 'em to-night, then." "How, Murphy?" "Why, +faith, I'll quit an hour before 'em all, sure."</p> + + + +<h3>A GROOM.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A groom</span> is a chap, that a gentleman keeps to clean his 'osses, and be +blown up, when things go wrong. They are generally wery conceited +consequential beggars, and as they never knows nothing, why the best way +is to take them so young, that they can't pretend to any knowledge. I +always get mine from the charity schools, and you'll find it wery good +economy, to apply to those that give the boys leather breeches, as it +will save you the trouble of finding him a pair. The first thing to do, +is to teach him to get up early, and to hiss at everything he brushes, +rubs, or touches. As the leather breeches should be kept for Sundays, +you must get him a pair of corderoys, and mind, order them of large +size, and baggy behind, for many 'osses have a trick of biting at chaps +when they are cleaning them; and it is better for them to have a +mouthful of corderoy, than the lad's bacon, to say nothing of the loss +of the boy's services, during the time he is laid up.—<i>John Jorrock's +Sporting Lectures.</i></p> + + + +<h3>IN A QUIVER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A coquette</span> is said to be an imperfect incarnation of Cupid, as she keeps +her beau, and not her arrows, in a quiver.</p> + + + +<h3>SATISFACTORY ANSWERS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Yankees</span> are supposed to have attained the greatest art in parrying +inquisitiveness, but there is a story extant of a "Londoner" on his +travels in the provinces, who rather eclipses the cunning "Yankee +Peddler." In traveling post, says the narrator, he was obliged to stop +at a village to replace a shoe which his horse had lost; when the "Paul +Pry" of the place bustled up to the carriage-window, and without waiting +for the ceremony of an introduction, said:</p> + +<p>"Good-morning, Sir. Horse cast a shoe I see. I suppose, Sir, you are +going to—?"</p> + +<p>Here he paused, expecting the name of the place to be supplied; but the +gentleman answered:</p> + +<p>"You are quite right; I generally go there at this season."</p> + +<p>"Ay—ahem!—do you? And no doubt you are now come from—?"</p> + +<p>"Right again, Sir; I <i>live</i> there."</p> + +<p>"Oh, ay; I see: you do! But I perceive it is a London shay. Is there +anything stirring in London?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes; plenty of other chaises and carriages of all sorts."</p> + +<p>"Ay, ay, of course. But what do folks say?"</p> + +<p>"They say their prayers every Sunday."</p> + +<p>"That isn't what I mean. I want to know whether there is anything new +and fresh."</p> + +<p>"Yes; bread and herrings."</p> + +<p>"Ah, you are a queer fellow. Pray, mister, may I ask your name?"</p> + +<p>"Fools and clowns," said the gentleman, "call me 'Mister;' but I am in +reality one of the clowns of Aristophanes; and my real name is +<i>Brekekekex Koax</i>! Drive on, postilion!"</p> + +<p>Now this is what we call a "pursuit of knowledge under difficulties" of +the most <i>obstinate</i> kind.</p> + + + +<h3>BARON ROTHSCHILD.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a good story told recently of Baron Rothschild, of Paris, the +richest man of his class in the world, which shows that it is not only +"money which makes the mare go" (or horses either, for that matter), but +"<i>ready</i> money," "unlimited credit" to the contrary notwithstanding. On +a very wet and disagreeable day, the Baron took a Parisian omnibus, on +his way to the Bourse or Exchange; near which the "Nabob of Finance" +alighted, and was going away without paying. The driver stopped him, and +demanded his fare. Rothschild felt in his pocket, but he had not a "red +cent" of change. The driver was very wroth:</p> + +<p>"Well, what did you get <i>in</i> for, if you could not pay? You must have +<i>known</i> that you had no money!"</p> + +<p>"I am Baron Rothschild!" exclaimed the great capitalist; "and there is +my card!"</p> + +<p>The driver threw the card in the gutter: "Never heard of you before," +said the driver, "and don't want to hear of you again. But I want my +fare—and I must have it!" The great banker was in haste. "I have only +an order for a million," he said. "Give me change;" and he proffered a +"coupon" for fifty thousand francs.</p> + +<p>The conductor stared, and the passengers set up a horselaugh. Just then +an "Agent de Change" came by, and Baron Rothschild borrowed of him the +six sous.</p> + +<p>The driver was now seized with a kind of remorseful respect; and turning +to the Money-King, he said:</p> + +<p>"If you want ten francs, Sir, I don't mind lending them to you on my own +account!"</p> + + + +<h3>MRS. CAUDLE'S UMBRELLA.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the best chapters in "Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures," is where +that amiable and greatly abused angel reproaches her inhuman spouse with +loaning the family umbrella:</p> + +<p>"Ah! that's the third umbrella gone since Christmas! What were you to +do? Why, let him go home in the rain. I don't think there was any thing +about <i>him</i> that would spoil. Take cold, indeed! He does not look like +one o' the sort to take cold. He'd better taken cold, than our only +umbrella. Do you hear the rain, Caudle? I say do you <i>hear the rain</i>? Do +you hear it against the windows? Nonsense; you can't be asleep with such +a shower as that. Do you <i>hear</i> it, I say? Oh, you <i>do</i> hear it, do you? +Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last six weeks, and no stirring +all the time out of the house. Poh! don't think to fool <i>me</i>, Caudle: +<i>he</i> return the umbrella! As if any body ever <i>did</i> return an umbrella! +There—do you hear it? Worse and worse! Cats and dogs for six +weeks—always six weeks—and no umbrella!</p> + +<p>"I should like to know how the children are to go to school, to-morrow. +They shan't go through <i>such</i> weather, <i>that</i> I'm determined. No; they +shall stay at home, and never learn anything, sooner than go and get +wet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to thank for +knowing nothing. People who can't feel for their children ought never to +<i>be</i> fathers.</p> + +<p>"But <i>I</i> know why you lent the umbrella—<i>I</i> know very well. I was going +out to tea to mother's, to-morrow;—you <i>knew</i> that very well; and you +did it on purpose. Don't tell me; <i>I</i> know: you don't want me to go, and +take every mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Caudle. +No; if it comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more: I will; and +what's more, I'll walk every step of the way; and you know that will +give me my death," &c., &c., &c.</p> + + + +<h3>FOLLOW YOUR NOSE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Pray</span>, Sir, what makes you walk so crookedly?" "Oh, my nose, you see, is +crooked, and I have to follow it!"</p> + + + +<h3>LORENZO DOW.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Lorenzo Dow</span> is still remembered by some of the "old fogies" as one of +the most eccentric men that ever lived. On one occasion he took the +liberty, while preaching, to denounce a rich man in the community, +recently deceased. The result was an arrest, a trial for slander, and an +imprisonment in the county jail. After Lorenzo got out of "limbo," he +announced that, in spite of his (in his opinion) unjust punishment, he +should preach, at a given time, a sermon about "another rich man." The +populace was greatly excited, and a crowded house greeted his +appearance. With great solemnity he opened the Bible, and read, "And +there was a rich man who died and went to ——;" then stopping short, +and seeming to be suddenly impressed, he continued: "Brethren, I shall +not mention the place this rich man went to, for fear he has some +relatives in this congregation who will sue me for defamation of +character." The effect on the assembled multitude was irresistible, and +he made the impression permanent by taking another text, and never +alluding to the subject again.</p> + + + +<h3>SMART WAITER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following story, although latterly related of "a distinguished +Southern gentleman, and former member of the cabinet," was formerly +told, we are <i>almost</i> quite certain, of the odd and eccentric John +Randoph of Roanoke, with certain omissions and additions. Be that as it +may, the anecdote is a good one, and "will do to keep."</p> + +<p>"The gentleman was a boarder in one of the most splendid of the New York +hotels; and preferring not to eat at the <i>table d'hôte</i>, had his meals +served in his own parlor, with all the elegance for which the +establishment had deservedly become noted.</p> + +<p>"Being somewhat annoyed with the airs of the servant who waited upon +him—a negro of 'the blackest dye'—he desired him at dinner one day to +retire. The negro bowed, and took his stand behind the gentleman's +chair. Supposing him to be gone, it was with some impatience that, a few +minutes after, the gentleman saw him step forward to remove his soup.</p> + +<p>"'Fellow!' said he, 'leave the room! I wish to be alone.'</p> + +<p>"'Excuse me, Sah,' said Cuffee, drawing himself stiffly up, 'but <i>I'se +'sponsible for de silver</i>!'"</p> + + + +<h3>COULDN'T FIND IT OUT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Slocum</span> was not educated in a university, and his life has been in +by-paths, and out-of-the-way places. His mind is characterized by the +literalness, rather than the comprehensive grasp of great subjects. Mr. +Slocum can, however, master a printed paragraph, by dint of spelling the +hard words, in a deliberate manner, and manages to gain a few glimpses +of men and things, from his little rocky farm, through the medium of a +newspaper. It is quite edifying to hear Mr. Slocum reading the village +paper aloud, to his wife, after a hard day's work. A few evenings since, +farmer Slocum was reading an account of a dreadful accident, which +happened at the factory in the next town, and which the village editor +had described in a great many words.</p> + +<p>"I declare, wife, that was an awful accident over to the mills," said +Mr. Slocum.</p> + +<p>"What was it about, Mr. Slocum?"</p> + +<p>"I'll read the 'count, wife, and then you'll know all about it."</p> + +<p>Mr. S. began to read:</p> + +<p>"<i>Horrible and Fatal Accident.</i>—It becomes our melancholy and painful +duty, to record the particulars of an accident that occurred at the +lower mill, in this village, yesterday afternoon, by which a human +being, in the prime of life, was hurried to that bourne from which, as +the immortal Shakspeare says, 'no traveler returns.'"</p> + +<p>"Du tell!" exclaimed Mrs. S.</p> + +<p>"Mr. David Jones, a workman, who has but few superiors this side of the +city, was superintending one of the large drums—"</p> + +<p>"I wonder if 'twas a brass drum, such as has 'Eblubust Unum' printed +on't," said Mrs. Slocum.</p> + +<p>—"When he became entangled. His arm was drawn around the drum, and +finally his whole body was drawn over the shaft, at a fearful rate. When +his situation was discovered, he had revolved with immense velocity, +about fifteen minutes, his head and limbs striking a large beam a +distinct blow at each revolution."</p> + +<p>"Poor creeter! how it must have hurt him!"</p> + +<p>"When the machinery had been stopped, it was found that Mr. Jones's arms +and legs were macerated to a jelly."</p> + +<p>"Well, didn't it kill him?" asked Mrs. S., with increasing interest.</p> + +<p>"Portions of the dura mater, cerebrum, and cerebellum, in confused +masses, were scattered about the floor; in short, the gates of eternity +had opened upon him."</p> + +<p>Here, Mr. Slocum paused to wipe his spectacles, and the wife seized the +opportunity to press the question.</p> + +<p>"Was the man killed?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know—haven't come to that place yet; you'll know when I've +finished the piece." And Mr. Slocum continued reading:</p> + +<p>"It was evident, when the shapeless form was taken down, that it was no +longer tenanted by the immortal spirit—that the vital spark was +extinct."</p> + +<p>"Was the man killed? that's what I want to come at," said Mrs. Slocum.</p> + +<p>"Do have a little patience, old woman," said Mr. Slocum, eyeing his +better half, over his spectacles, "I presume we shall come upon it right +away." And he went on reading:</p> + +<p>"This fatal casualty has cast a gloom over our village, and we trust +that it will prove a warning to all persons who are called upon to +regulate the powerful machinery of our mills."</p> + +<p>"Now," said Mrs. Slocum, perceiving that the narration was ended, "now, +I should like to know whether the man was killed or not?"</p> + +<p>Mr. Slocum looked puzzled. He scratched his head, scrutinized the +article he had been perusing, and took a graceful survey of the paper.</p> + +<p>"I declare, wife," said he, "it's curious, but really the paper don't +say."</p> + + + +<h3>CAUGHT ON A JURY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following, which we have heard told as a fact, some time ago, may be +beneficial to some gentleman who has a young and unsuspecting wife:</p> + +<p>A certain man, who lived about ten miles from K——, was in the habit of +going to town, about once a week, and getting on a regular spree, and +would not return until he had time to "cool off," which was generally +two or three days. His wife was ignorant of the cause of his staying out +so long, and suffered greatly from anxiety about his welfare. When he +would return, of course his confiding wife would inquire what had been +the matter with him, and the usual reply was, that he was caught on the +jury, and couldn't get off.</p> + +<p>Having gathered his corn, and placed it in a large heap, he, according +to custom, determined to call in his neighbors, and have a real +corn-shucking frolic. So he gave Ned, a faithful servant, a jug and an +order, to go to town and get a gallon of whiskey—a very necessary +article on such occasions. Ned mounted a mule, and was soon in town, +and, equipped with the whiskey, remounted to set out for home, all +buoyant with the prospect of fun at shucking.</p> + +<p>When he had proceeded a few hundred yards from town, he concluded to +take the "stuff," and not satisfied with once, he kept trying until the +world turned round so fast, that he turned off the mule, and then he +went to sleep, and the mule to grazing. It was now nearly night, and +when Ned awoke it was just before the break of day, and so dark, that he +was unable to make any start towards home until light. As soon as his +bewilderment had subsided, so that he could get the "point," he started +with an empty jug, the whiskey having run out, and afoot, for the mule +had gone home. Of course he was contemplating the application of a "two +year old hickory," as he went on at the rate of two forty.</p> + +<p>Ned reached home about breakfast time, and "fetched up" at the back +door, with a decidedly guilty countenance.</p> + +<p>"What in thunder have you been at, you black rascal?" said his master.</p> + +<p>Ned knowing his master's excuse to his wife, when he went on a spree, +determined to tell the truth, if he died for it, and said:</p> + +<p>"Well, massa, to tell the truth, I was kotch on the jury, and couldn't +get off."—<i>Nashville News.</i></p> + + + +<h3>A CURE BY LAUGHTER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> aged widow had a cow, which fell sick. In her distress for fear of +the loss of this her principal means of support, she had recourse to the +rector, in whose prayers she had implicit faith, and humbly besought his +reverence to visit her cow, and pray for her recovery. The worthy man, +instead of being offended at this trait of simplicity, in order to +comfort the poor woman, called in the afternoon at her cottage, and +proceeded to visit the sick animal. Walking thrice round it, he at each +time gravely repeated: "<i>If she dies she dies, but if she lives she +lives.</i>" The cow happily recovered, which the widow entirely attributed +to the efficacy of her pastor's prayer. Some short time after, the +rector himself was seized with a quinsy, and in imminent danger, to the +sincere grief of his affectionate parishioners, and of none more than +the grateful widow. She repaired to the parsonage, and after +considerable difficulty from his servants, obtained admission to his +chamber, when thrice walking round his bed, she repeated "<i>If he dies he +dies, but if he lives he lives</i>;" which threw the doctor into such a fit +of laughter, that the imposthume broke, and produced an immediate cure.</p> + + + +<h3>GOOD PRAYER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A witty</span> lawyer once jocosely asked a boarding-house keeper the following +question:</p> + +<p>"Mr. ——, if a man gives you five hundred dollars to keep for him, and +he dies, what do you do? Do you pray for him?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir," replied ——, "I pray for another like him."</p> + + + +<h3>NON SUM QUALIS ERAM.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A noble</span> and learned lord, when attorney general, being at a consultation +where there was considerable difference of opinion between him and his +brother counsel, delivered his sentiments with his usual energy, and +concluded by striking his hand on the table, and saying, "This, +gentlemen, is <i>my opinion</i>." The peremptory tone with which this was +spoken so nettled the solicitor, who had frequently consulted him when a +young barrister, that he sarcastically repeated, "Your opinion! I have +often had your opinion for five shillings." Mr. Attorney with great good +humour said, "Very true, and probably you then paid its full value."</p> + + + +<h3>ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> winter day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, +and ordered a steak: "But," said his royal highness, "I am devilish +cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, +another, and another. "Now," said he, "I am comfortable, bring my +steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the +following impromptu:</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"The Prince came in, said it was cold,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Then put to his head the rummer;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Till <i>swallow</i> after <i>swallow</i> came,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">When he pronounced it summer."</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Adam</span>, the goodliest of <i>men since born His sons; the fairest of her +daughters Eve</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>GIVE THE DEVIL HIS DUE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the grand entertainment given at Vauxhall in July, 1813, to celebrate +the victories of the Marquis of Wellington, the fire-works, prepared +under the direction of General Congreve, were the theme of universal +admiration. The General himself was present, and being in a circle where +the conversation turned on monumental inscriptions, he observed that +nothing could be finer than the short epitaph on Purcel, in Westminster +Abbey.</p> + +<p>"He has gone to that place where only his own Harmony can be exceeded."</p> + +<p>"Why, General," said a lady, "it will suit you exactly, with the +alteration of a single word.</p> + +<p>"He is gone to that place, where only his own <i>Fire-Works</i> can be +exceeded."</p> + + + +<h3>A SOUND REASON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> cabinet minister being asked why he did not promote merit? +"Because," answered he, "merit did not promote me."</p> + + + +<h3>MODERN IMPROVEMENTS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent barrister arguing a cause respecting the infringement of a +patent for buckles, took occasion to hold forth on its vast improvement; +and by way of example, taking one of his own out of his shoe, "What," +exclaimed he, "would my ancestors have said to see my feet ornamented +with this?" "Aye," observed Mr. Mingay, "what would they have said to +see your feet ornamented with either shoes or stockings?"</p> + + + +<h3>A HOOSIER AT THE ASTOR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">B. met</span> on the train an elderly Hoosier, who had been to the show-case +exhibition at New York, and who had seen the <i>hi po dro me</i>, as he +called it.</p> + +<p>"Did you remain long in New York?" asked B.</p> + +<p>"Well, no," he answered thoughtfully, "only two days, for I saw there +was a right smart chance of starving to death, and I'm opposed to that +way of going down. I put up at one of their taverns, and allowed I was +going to be treated to the whole."</p> + +<p>"Where did you stop?" said B., interrupting him.</p> + +<p>"At the Astor House. I allow you don't ketch me in no such place again. +They rung a <i>gong</i>, as they call it, four times after breakfast, and +then, when I went to eat, there wasn't nary vittles on the table."</p> + +<p>"What was there?" B. ventured to inquire.</p> + +<p>"Well," said the old man, enumerating the items cautiously, as if from +fear of omission—"there was a clean plate wrong side up, a knife, a +clean towel, a split spoon, and a hand bill, and what was worse," added +the old man, "the insultin' nigger up and asked me what I wanted. +'<i>Vittles</i>,' said I, '<i>bring in your vittles and I'll help myself!</i>'"</p> + + + +<h3>ECONOMY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">"Bubby,</span> why don't you go home and have your mother sew up that awful +hole in your trowsers?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, you git eout, old 'oman," was the respectful reply, "our folks are +economizing, and a hole will last longer than a patch any day."</p> + + + +<h3>QUAKER <i>vs.</i> QUAKER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Old Jacob J——</span> was a shrewd Quaker merchant in Burlington, New Jersey, +and, like all shrewd men, was often a little too smart for himself.</p> + +<p>An old Quaker lady of Bristol, Pennsylvania, just over the river, bought +some goods at Jacob's store, <i>when he was absent</i>, and in crossing the +river on her way home, she met him aboard the boat, and, as was usual +with him upon such occasions, he immediately pitched into her bundle of +goods and untied it to see what she had been buying.</p> + +<p>"Oh now," says he, "how much a yard did you give for that, and that?" +taking up the several pieces of goods. She told him the price, without, +however, saying where she had got them.</p> + +<p>"Oh now," says he again, "I could have sold you those goods for so much +a yard," mentioning a price a great deal lower than she had paid. "You +know," says he, "I can undersell every body in the place;" and so he +went on criticising and undervaluing the goods till the boat reached +Bristol, when he was invited to go to the old lady's store, and when +there the goods were spread out on the counter, and Jacob was asked to +examine the goods again, and say, in the presence of witnesses, the +price he would have sold them at per yard, the old lady, meanwhile, +taking a memorandum. She then went to the desk and made out a bill of +the difference between what she had paid and the price he told her; then +coming up to him, she said,</p> + +<p>"Now, Jacob, thee is sure thee could have sold those goods at the price +thee mentioned?"</p> + +<p>"Oh now, yes," says he.</p> + +<p>"Well, then, thy young man must have made a mistake; for I bought the +goods from thy store, and of course, under the circumstances, thee can +have no objection to refund me the difference."</p> + +<p>Jacob, being thus cornered, could, of course, under the circumstances, +have no objection. It is to be presumed that thereafter Jacob's first +inquiry must have been, "Oh now, where did you get such and such goods?" +instead of "Oh now, how much did you pay?"</p> + + + +<h3>HEM <i>vs.</i> HAW.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Oberon</span> (a man about town) was lately invited to a sewing party. The +next day a friend asked him how the entertainment came off. "Oh, it was +very amusing," replied Oberon, "the ladies hemmed and I hawed."</p> + + + +<h3>POETRY DONE TO ORDER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> one occasion a country gentleman, knowing Joseph Green's reputation +as a poet, procured an introduction to him, and solicited a "first-rate +epitaph" for a favorite servant who had lately died. Green asked what +were the man's chief qualities, and was told that "Cole excelled in all +things, but was particularly good at raking hay, which he could do +faster than anybody, the present company, of course, excepted." Green +wrote immediately—</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Here lies the body of John Cole:</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">His master loved him like his soul;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He could rake hay; none could rake faster,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Except that raking dog, his master."</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> candidates disputed the palm for singing, and left the decision to +Dr. Arne, who having heard them exert their vocal abilities, said to the +one, "You, Sir, are the worst singer I ever heard." On which the other +exulting, the umpire, turning to him, said, "And as for you, Sir, you +cannot sing at all."</p> + + + +<h3>PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A member</span> of parliament took occasion to make his maiden speech, on a +question respecting the execution of a particular statute. Rising +solemnly, after three loud hems, he spoke as follows: "Mr. Speaker, have +we laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, and they are not +executed, for what purpose were they made?" So saying, he sat down full +of self-consequence. Another member then rose, and thus delivered +himself: "Mr. Speaker, did the honourable member speak to the purpose, +or not speak to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what +purpose did he speak?"</p> + + + +<h3>A BROAD HINT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gentleman, of tolerable assurance, obtruded his company where +he was far from being welcome; the master of the house, indeed, +literally kicked him down stairs. Returning to some acquaintance whom he +had told his intention of dining at the above house, and being asked why +he had so soon returned, he answered, "I got a hint that my company was +not agreeable."</p> + + + +<h3>PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Addison</span>, whose abilities no man can doubt, was from diffidence +totally unable to speak in the house. In a debate on the Union act, +desirous of delivering his sentiments, he rose, and began, "Mr. Speaker, +<i>I conceive</i>"—but could go no farther. Twice he repeated, +unsuccessfully, the same attempt; when a young member, possessed of +greater effrontery than ability, completely confused him, by rising and +saying, "Mr. Speaker, the honourable gentleman <i>has conceived three +times, and brought forth nothing</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A SEVERE REPROOF.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Duke of Grafton, one of the last of the old school of polished +gentlemen, being seated with a party of ladies in the stage-box of +Drury-lane theatre, a sprig of modern fashion came in booted and +spurred. At the end of the act, the duke rose, and made the young man a +low bow:</p> + +<p>"I beg leave, Sir, in the name of these ladies, and for myself, to offer +you our thanks for your forbearance."</p> + +<p>"I don't understand you; what do you mean?"</p> + +<p>"I mean, that as you have come in with your boots and spurs, to thank +you for that you have not brought your horse too."</p> + + + +<h3>CANINE LEARNING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A foreigner</span> would be apt to suppose that all the dogs of England were +literary, on reading a notice on a board stuck up in a garden at +Millbank: "All dogs found in this garden will be shot."</p> + + + +<h3>A STRATAGEM.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A traveler</span> coming, wet and cold, into a country ale-house on the coast +of Kent, found the fire completely blockaded. He ordered the landlord to +carry his horse half a peck of oysters. "He cannot eat oysters," said +mine host. "Try him," quoth the traveller. The company all ran out to +see the horse eat oysters. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the +landlord. "Then," coolly replied the gentleman, who had taken possession +of the best seat, "bring them to me, and I'll eat them myself."</p> + + + +<h3>A NECESSARY HINT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Over</span> the chimney-piece, in the parlor of a public house, in Fleet +street, is this inscription: "<i>Gentlemen learning to spell, are +requested to use yesterday's paper.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>A REASON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> parish clerk, being asked how the inscriptions on the tombs in +the church-yard were so badly spelled? "Because," answered <i>Amen</i>, "the +people are so niggardly, that they won't pay for good spelling."</p> + + + +<h3>CAPITAL JOKES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">While</span> a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily +peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what +he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If," replied Mr. Curran, "you +have many such <i>jokes</i> in your head, the sooner you <i>crack</i> them the +better."</p> + + + +<h3>RAPID TRAVELING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A dignified</span> clergyman, possessor of a coal mine, respecting which he was +likely to have a law-suit, sent for an attorney in order to have his +advice. Our lawyer was curious to see a coal-pit, and was let down by a +rope. Before he was lowered, he said to the parson, "Doctor, your +knowledge is not confined to the surface of the world, but you have +likewise penetrated to its inmost recesses; how far may it be from this +to hell?" "I don't know, exactly," answered he, gravely, "but if you let +go your hold, <i>you'll be there in a minute</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A MISAPPELLATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> officer being indicted for an assault on an aged gentleman, Mr. +Erskine began to open the case thus: "This is an indictment against a +soldier for assaulting an old man." "Sir," indignantly interrupted the +defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an officer!" "I beg your pardon," said +Mr. Erskine; "then, gentlemen of the jury, this is an indictment against +<i>an officer</i>, who is <i>no soldier</i>, for assaulting an old man."</p> + + + +<h3>CONNUBIAL BLISS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">I once</span> met a free and easy actor, who told me he had passed three +festive days at the Marquis and Marchioness of —— without any +invitation, convinced (as proved to be the case) that my lord and my +lady, not being on <i>speaking terms</i>, each would suppose the other had +asked him.—<i>Reynold's Life and Times.</i></p> + + + +<h3>QUICK FIRING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Thelwell was on his trial for high treason, he wrote this note +to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my own cause." +Erskine answered, "If you do, you'll be hanged." Thelwell replied, "I'll +be hanged if I do."</p> + + + +<h3>THE HARDSHIPS OF LIFE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A dramatic</span> author, not unconscious of his own abilities, observed, that +he knew nothing so terrible as reading a play in the green-room, before +so critical an audience. "I know something more terrible," said Mrs. +Powell. "What is that?" "To be obliged to sit and hear it read."</p> + + + +<h3>SYMPTOMS OF CIVILIZATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Walking Stuart</span>, being cast away on an unknown shore, where, after he and +his companions had proceeded a long way without seeing a creature, at +length, to their great delight, they descried <i>a man hanging on a +gibbet</i>. "The joy," says he, "which this <i>cheering sight</i> excited, +cannot be described; for it convinced us that we were in a <i>civilized +country</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>AN IMPROVEMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> asked his <i>black diamond merchant</i> the price of coals. "Ah!" +said he, significantly shaking his head, "coals are coals, now." "I am +glad to hear that," observed the wit, "for the last I had of you, were +half of them slates."</p> + + + +<h3>A SENTIMENTAL FOSSIL.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">What</span> is your name?" "My name is Norval, on the Grampian Hills."</p> + +<p>"Where did you come from?" "I come from a happy land, where care is +unknown."</p> + +<p>"Where are you lodging now?" "I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls."</p> + +<p>"Where are you going to?" "Far, far o'er hill and dell."</p> + +<p>"What is your occupation?" "Some love to roam."</p> + +<p>"Are you married?" "Long time ago. Polly put the kettle on."</p> + +<p>"How many children have you?" "There's Doll, and Bet, and Moll, and +Kate, and—"</p> + +<p>"What is your wife's name?" "O no, we never mention her."</p> + +<p>"Did your wife oppose your leaving her?" "She wept not, when we parted."</p> + +<p>"In what condition did you leave her?" "A rose tree in full bearing."</p> + +<p>"Is your family provided for?" "A little farm, well tilled."</p> + +<p>"Did your wife drive you off?" "Oh, sublime was the warning."</p> + +<p>"What did your wife say to you, that induced you to <i>slope</i>?" "Come, +rest in this bosom."</p> + +<p>"Was your wife good-looking?" "She wore a wreath of roses."</p> + +<p>"Did your wife ever treat you badly?" "Oft in the stilly night."</p> + +<p>"When you announced your intention of emigrating, what did she say?" +"Oh, dear, what can the matter be?"</p> + +<p>"And what did you reply?" "Sweet Kitty Clover, you bother me so!"</p> + +<p>"Where did you last see her?" "Near the lakes, where drooped the +willow."</p> + +<p>"What did she say to you, when you were in the act of leaving?" "A place +in thy memory, dearest!"</p> + +<p>"Do you still love her?" "'Tis said that absence conquers love."</p> + +<p>"What are your possessions?" "The harp that once through Tara's halls—"</p> + +<p>"What do you propose to do with it?" "I'll hang my harp on a willow +tree."</p> + +<p>"Where do you expect to make a living?" "Over the water with Charley."</p> + + + +<h3>AN INSCRIPTION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Campbell</span>, a Highland gentleman, through whose estate in Argyleshire +runs the military road which was made under the direction of General +Wade, in grateful commemoration of its benefits, placed a stone seat on +the top of a hill, where the weary traveler may repose, after the labour +of his ascent, and on which is judiciously inscribed, <i>Rest, and be +thankful</i>. It has, also, the following sublime distich:</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Had you seen this road, <i>before it was made</i>,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You would lift up your hands, and bless General Wade."</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>PUN ALPHABETICAL.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">There</span> was a man hanged this morning; one <i>Vowel</i>." "Well, let us be +thankful, <i>it was neither U nor I</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>SHAKSPEAREAN COOKERY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> argument took place in a coffee-house, between two men of <i>taste</i>, as +to the best method of dressing a beefsteak. They referred the matter to +a comedian, who, having an eye to the <i>shop</i>, said he preferred +Shakspeare's recipe to either of theirs, "Shakspeare's recipe!" they +both exclaimed. "Aye, Shakspeare's recipe:</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'If when 'twere done, 'twere well done, then 'twere well,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">It were done quickly.'"</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>A REPROOF.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. King</span> and Mr. Lewis walking together in Birmingham, a chimney sweeper +and his boy passed them. The lad stared at them, exclaiming, "They be +players!" "Hush! you dog," says the old sweep, "you don't know what you +may come to yourself yet."</p> + + + +<h3>A REASONABLE BILL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> undertaker waited on a gentleman, with the bill for the burial of his +wife, amounting to 67<i>l.</i> "That's a vast sum," said the widower, "for +laying a silent female horizontally; you must have made some mistake!" +"Not in the least," answered the coffin-monger, "handsome hearse—three +coaches and six, well-dressed mutes, handsome pall—nobody, your honor, +could do it for less." The gentleman rejoined: "It is a large sum, Mr. +Crape; but as I am satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as +much to bury me, I must not be behind her in an act of kindness; there +is a check for the amount."</p> + + + +<h3>A PARTNERSHIP.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Marquis della Scallas, an Italian nobleman, giving a grand +entertainment, his major domo informed him that there was a fisherman +below with a remarkably fine fish, but who demanded for it a very +uncommon price—he won't take any money, but insists on a hundred +strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders. The marquis surprised, +ordered him in, when he persisted in his demand. To humor him the +marquis complied, telling his groom not to lay on too hard. When he had +received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have got a partner, to +whom I have engaged that he should have half of whatever I was to +receive for my fish—your lordship's porter, who would admit me only on +that condition." It is almost unnecessary to add, that the porter had +his share well paid, and that the fisherman got the full value for his +prize.</p> + + + +<h3>LIFE INSURANCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">James II.,</span> when Duke of York, found his brother, King Charles, in +Hyde-park, unattended, at what was considered a perilous time. The duke +expressed his surprise that his majesty should venture alone in so +public a place. "James," said the king, "take care of yourself; no man +in England will kill me to make you king."</p> + + + +<h3>AN IRISH NOTICE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a pool across a road in the county of Tipperary is stuck up a pole, +having affixed to it a board, with this inscription: "<i>Take notice, that +when the water is over this board the road is impassable.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>MOUTHS AND MEAT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A poor</span> man, with a family of seven children, complained to his richer +neighbor of his hard case, his heavy family, and the inequality of +fortune. The other callously observed, that whenever Providence sent +mouths it sent meat. "True," said the former, "but it has sent to you +the <i>meat</i>, and me the <i>mouths</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>THE BENEFIT OF LYING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A fellow</span> was tried for stealing, and it was satisfactorily proved that +he had acknowledged the theft to several persons, yet the jury acquitted +him. The judge, surprised, asked their reason. The foreman said that he +and his fellows knew the prisoner to be such an abominable liar, that +they could not believe one word he said.</p> + + + +<h3>A BROAD HINT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A German</span> prince being one day on a balcony with a foreign minister, told +him, "One of my predecessors made an ambassador leap down from this +balcony." "Perhaps," said his excellency, "it was not the fashion then +for ambassadors to wear swords."</p> + + + +<h3>PREFERMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the +King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning +Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the <i>pulpit</i> for the <i>bar</i>, has been +promoted to the <i>bench</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>SHOES MISUSED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> bespoke a pair of dress shoes from an eminent shoemaker in +Jermyn-street. When they were brought home she was delighted with them. +She put them on the same evening, and went to a ball, where she danced. +Next day, examining her favorite shoes, she found them almost in pieces. +She sent for the tradesman, and showed him them. "Good God!" said he, +"it is not possible." At length, recollecting himself, he added, "How +stupid I am! as sure as death your ladyship must have <i>walked in them</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A SUPPOSITION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the time of the persecution of the protestants in France, the English +ambassador solicited of Louis XIV. the liberation of those sent to the +galleys on account of their religion. "What," answered the monarch, +"would the king of England say, were I to demand the liberation of the +prisoners in Newgate?" "The king, my master," replied the minister, +"would grant them to your majesty, if you reclaimed them as brothers."</p> + + + +<h3>A CHARACTER SUPPORTED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A beggar</span> asking alms under the character of a poor scholar, a gentleman +put the question, <i>Quomodo vales?</i> The fellow, shaking his head, said he +did not understand his honor. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not +say you were a poor scholar?" "Yes," replied the other, "a very poor +scholar; so much so that I don't understand a word of Latin."</p> + + + +<h3>AN ESPECIAL FAVOR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A baronet</span> scientifically skilled in pugilism, enjoyed no pleasure so +much as giving gratuitous instructions in his favorite art. A peer +paying him a visit, they had a sparring-match, in the course of which he +seized his lordship behind, and threw him over his head with a violent +shock. The nobleman not relishing this rough usage, "My lord," said the +baronet, respectfully, "I assure you that I never show this manœuvre +except to my particular friends."</p> + + + +<h3>A CHARM.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Buchanan</span> the historian was, from his learning, thought in his days of +superstition to be a wizard. An old woman, who kept an ale-house in St. +Andrews, consulted George, in hopes that by necromantic arts he might +restore her custom, which was unaccountably decreasing. He readily +promised his aid. "Every time you brew, Maggy," says he, "go three times +to the left round the copper, and at each round take out a ladle-full of +water in the devil's name; then turn three times round to the right, and +each time throw in a ladle-full of malt in God's name; but above all, +wear this charm constantly on your breast, and never during your life +attempt to open it, or dread the worst." She strictly conformed, and her +business increased astonishingly. On her death her friends ventured to +open and examine the charm, when they found it to contain these words:</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"If Maggy will brew good ale,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Maggy will have good sale."</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>SHORT DIALOGUE.</h3> + + +<p><i>Lady</i>: You can not imagine, captain, how deeply I feel the want of +children, surrounded as I am by every comfort—nothing else is wanting +to render me supremely happy.</p> + +<p><i>Captain O'Flinn</i>: Faith, ma'am, I've heard o' that complaint running in +families; p'rhaps your mother had not any childer either?</p> + + + +<h3>A BLUNT WITNESS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a late term of the Court of Sessions a man was brought up by a +farmer, accused of stealing some ducks.</p> + +<p>"How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I should know them <i>any</i> where," replied the farmer; and he went on +to describe their different peculiarities.</p> + +<p>"Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rare +breed; I have some very like them in my own yard."</p> + +<p>"That's not unlikely, Sir," replied the farmer; "they are not the <i>only</i> +ducks I have had stolen lately!"</p> + +<p>"Call the <i>next</i> witness!"</p> + + + +<h3>QUESTION SOLVED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A mathematician</span> being asked by a stout fellow,</p> + +<p>"If two pigs weigh twenty pounds, how much will a large hog weigh?"</p> + +<p>"Jump into the scales," was the reply, "and I'll tell you in a minute!"</p> + +<p>The mathematician "had him there!"</p> + + + +<h3>SCOTTISH THEATRICALS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A company</span> of performers announced in their bills the opening of a +theatre at Montrose, with the Farce of <i>The Devil to Pay</i>, to be +followed with the Comedy of <i>The West Indian</i>. Adverse winds, however, +prevented the arrival of their scenes from Aberdeen, in time for +representation, on the evening appointed. It was therefore found +necessary to give notice of the postponement of the performance, which +was thus delivered by the town-crier:</p> + +<p>"O yes! O yes! O yes! this is to let you to wit, that the play-ackers +havena' got their screens up yet frae Aberdeen, and so canna begin the +night; but on Monday night, God willing, there will be <i>the Deevil to +pay in the West Indies</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>THE CUNNING FOOL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> had a son who was deemed an idiot. The little fellow, when +nine or ten years of age, was fond of drumming, and once dropt his +drum-stick into the draw-well. He knew that his carelessness would be +punished by its not being searched for, and therefore did not mention +his loss, but privately took a large silver punch-ladle, and dropped it +into the same well. Strict inquiry took place; the servants all pleaded +ignorance, and looked with suspicion on each other; when the young +gentleman, who had thrust himself into the circle, said he had observed +something shine at the bottom of the draw-well. A fellow was dropt down +in the bucket, and soon bawled out from the bottom, "I have found the +punch-ladle, so wind me up." "Stop," roared out the lad, "stop, <i>now +your hand's in, you may as well bring up my drum-stick</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>THE DEAN INSTRUCTED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> having sent a turbot as a present to Swift, the servant who +carried it entered the doctor's study abruptly, and laying down the +fish, said, "Master has sent you this turbot." "Heyday! young man," +exclaimed the Dean, "is this the way you behave yourself? Let me teach +you better. Sit down on this chair, and I will show you how to deliver +such a message." The boy sat down, and the Dean going to the door, with +the fish in his hand, came up to the table, and making a low bow, said, +"Sir, my master presents his kind compliments, and begs your acceptance +of this turbot." "Does he?" answered the boy, assuming all the +consequence of his situation. "Here, John! (<i>ringing</i>,) take this honest +lad down to the kitchen, and let him have as much as he can eat and +drink; then send him up to me, and I'll give him half a crown."</p> + + + +<h3>ADVICE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, who used to frequent the Chapter Coffee-house, being +unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning +his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of +the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for +such a complaint? "I'll tell you," said the doctor, "you should <i>take +advice</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>MIRACLE OF MIRACLES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> author of the life of St. Francis Xavier, asserts, that "by one +sermon he converted <i>ten thousand persons</i> in a <i>desert</i> island."</p> + + + +<h3>CREDAT JUDÆUS APELLA, NON EGO.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, talking of the tenacity of life in turtles, asserted that +he had himself seen the head of one, which had been cut off three weeks, +open its jaws. The circle around did not exactly contradict him, but +exhibited expressive appearances of incredulity. The historian referred +himself to a stranger, whose polite attention to the tale flattered him +that it had received his full credence, which was corroborated by the +other observing that he had himself seen strong instances of the +turtle's tenaciousness of life. The stranger answered, "Your account is +a very extraordinary one; could you have believed it if you had not seen +it yourself?" The narrator readily answered, "No." "Then," replied the +other, to his infinite mortification, and the gratification of the +company, "I hope you will pardon me if I do not believe it."</p> + + + +<h3>WARNING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A servant</span> telling her master that she was going to give her mistress +warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night, he exclaimed +with a sigh, "Happy girl! I wish I could give her warning too!"</p> + + + +<h3>IRISH RECRUITING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A serjeant</span> enlisted a recruit, who on inspection turned out to be a +woman. Being asked by his officer how he made such a blunder, he said, +"Plase your honor I could not help it; I enlisted this <i>girl</i> for a +<i>man</i>, and <i>he</i> turns out to be a <i>woman</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>SCENE IN A POLICE OFFICE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> prisoner in this case, whose name was Dickey Swivel, alias "Stove +Pipe Pete," was placed at the bar, and questioned by the Judge to the +following effect:</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: Bring the prisoner into court.</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: Here I am, bound to blaze, as the spirits of turpentine said, +when he was all a fire.</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked if he'd +be roasted or fried.</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: We don't want to know what the oyster said or the turpentine +either. What do you follow?</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: Anything that comes in my way, as the engine said when he run +over a little nigger.</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: Don't care anything about the locomotive. What's your business?</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: That's various, as the cat said when she stole the chicken off +the table.</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: If I hear any more absurd comparisons, I will give you twelve +months.</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: I am done, as the beef steak said to the cook.</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: Now, Sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness and +correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going around the +docks?</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: No, Sir. I can't go around docks without a boat, and I hain't +got none.</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: Answer me now, Sir. How do you get your bread?</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters.</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: No more of your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: Sometimes on my legs, and sometimes on a cheer, (chair.)</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: How do you keep yourself alive?</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: By breathing, Sir.</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: I order you to answer this question correctly. How do you do?</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: Pretty well, thank you, Judge. How do <i>you</i> do?</p> + +<p><i>Judge</i>: I shall have to commit you.</p> + +<p><i>Pete</i>: Well, you have committed yourself first, that's some +consolation.</p> + + + +<h3>CHEAP TRAVELING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A youth</span> of more vanity than talent, bragging that during his travels he +never troubled his father for remittances, and being asked how he lived +on the road, answered, "<i>By my wits.</i>" "Then," replied his friend, "you +must have traveled <i>very cheaply</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>NAUTICAL POLEMICS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> sailors on board of a man of war had a sort of religious dispute +over their grog, in which one of them referred to the <i>apostle Paul</i>. +"He was no apostle," said the other; and this minor question, after much +altercation, they agreed to refer to the boatswain's mate, who after +some consideration declared "that Paul was certainly never <i>rated</i> as an +apostle on the books, because he is not in the list, which consisted +only of twelve; but then he was an <i>acting apostle</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>THE BEST CUSTOMERS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Radcliff</span> and Dr. Case being together in a jovial company over their +bottle, the former, filling his glass, said, "Come, brother Case, here's +to all the fools that are your patients." "I thank you, my wise brother +Radcliff," answered Case, "let me have all the fools, and you are +heartily welcome to all the rest of the practice."</p> + + + +<h3>A WEST INDIA LEGISLATOR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the Jamaica House of Assembly, a motion being made for leave to bring +in a bill to prevent the frauds of wharfingers, Mr. Paul Phipps, member +for St. Andrew, rose and said, "Mr. Speaker, I second the motion; the +wharfingers are to a man a set of rogues; I know it well; <i>I was one +myself for ten years</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>THY OWN MOUTH SHALL CONDEMN THEE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A player</span> applied to the manager of a respectable country company for an +engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable +of all the first line of business; but as to himself, he was <i>the worst +actor in the world</i>. They were engaged, and the lady answered the +character given of her. The husband having had the part of a mere +walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, asked the manager, +indignantly, how he could put him into so paltry a part. "Sir," answered +the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you are the worst +actor in the world." "True," replied the other, "but then I had not seen +you."</p> + + + +<h3>AVOID ALL OFFENCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the riots of 1780, when most persons, to save their houses, wrote +on their doors, <i>No popery</i>, Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, chalked up +on his, <i>No religion</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>A LIBERAL PRICE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Louis XI.</span> in his youth used to visit a peasant, whose garden produced +excellent fruit. When he ascended the throne, his friend presented him a +turnip of extraordinary size. The king smiled, and remembering his past +pleasures, ordered a thousand crowns to the peasant. The lord of the +village hearing of this liberality, thus argued with himself: "If this +fellow get a thousand crowns for his turnip, I have only to present a +capital horse to the munificent monarch, and my fortune is made." +Accordingly he carries to court a beautiful barb, and requests his +majesty's acceptance of it. Louis highly praised the steed, and the +donor's expectation was raised to the highest, when the king called out, +"Bring me my turnip!" and presenting it to the seigneur, added, "This +turnip cost me a thousand crowns, and I give it you for your horse."</p> + + + +<h3>A PRECEDENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a trial in the King's Bench, Mr. Erskine, counsel for the defendant, +was charged by his opponent with traveling out of his way. Mr. Erskine +in answer said, it reminded him of the celebrated Whitefield, who being +accused by some of his audience of rambling in his discourse, answered, +"If you will ramble to the devil, I must ramble after you."</p> + + + +<h3>A CONVENIENT NAP.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Oxford scholar, calling early one morning on another, when in bed, +says,</p> + +<p>"Jack, are you asleep?"</p> + +<p>"Why?"</p> + +<p>"Because, I want to borrow half a crown of you."</p> + +<p>"Then I am asleep."</p> + + + +<h3>LITERARY CORRESPONDENCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Johnson</span>, about the end of the year 1754, completed the copy of his +dictionary, not more to his own satisfaction, than that of Mr. Millar, +his bookseller, who, on receiving the concluding sheet, sent him the +following note:</p> + +<p>"Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the +money for the last sheet of the copy of the dictionary, and thanks God +he has done with him."</p> + +<p>To which, the lexicographer returned the following answer:</p> + +<p>"Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is +very glad to find, as he does by his note, that Andrew Millar has the +grace to thank God for anything."</p> + + + +<h3>A PROPER ADDRESS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> keeper of a mad-house, in a village near London, published an +address in a newspaper, inviting customers, and commencing with, "Worthy +the attention of the insane!"</p> + + + +<h3>A DEBT OF HONOR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Moody</span>, the actor, was robbed of his watch and money. He begged the +highwayman to let him have cash enough to carry him to town, and the +fellow said, "Well, master Moody, as I know you, I'll lend you half a +guinea; but, remember, honor among thieves!" A few days after, he was +taken, and Moody hearing that he was at the Brown Bear, in Bow street, +went to enquire after his watch; but when he began to speak of it, the +fellow exclaimed, "Is that what you want? I thought you had come to pay +the half guinea you borrowed of me."</p> + + + +<h3>A RELIC.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A student</span>, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, among other things +produced a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is the sword with which Balaam +was going to kill his ass." "I thought," said one of the company, "that +Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one." "You are right, sir," +replied the student, nowise abashed, "this is the very sword he wished +for."</p> + + + +<h3>STUPIDITY PERSONIFIED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">M. Bouret</span>, a French farmer-general, of immense fortune, <i>but stupid to a +proverb</i>, being one day present, when two noblemen were engaged, in a +party, at piquet, one of them happening to play a wrong card, exclaimed, +"Oh, what a Bouret I am!" Offended at this liberty, Bouret said +instantly, "Sir, you are an ass." "<i>The very thing I meant</i>," replied +the other.</p> + + + +<h3>THE DIFFICULTY SURMOUNTED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Executions</span> not being very frequent in Sweden there are a great number of +towns in that country without an executioner. In one of these a criminal +was sentenced to be hanged which occasioned some little embarrassment, +as it obliged them to bring a hangman from a distance at a considerable +expense, besides the customary fee of two crowns. A young tradesman, +belonging to the city council, giving his sentiments, said, "I think, +gentlemen, we had best give the malefactor the two crowns, and let him +go and be hanged where he pleases."</p> + + + +<h3>HUMOROUS MISTAKES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> humors of the telegraph are very amusing. A year or so since, the +agent of the Delaware and Hudson Freighting Line, at Honesdale, +Pennsylvania, sent the following dispatch to the agent at New York:</p> + +<p>"D. Horton—Dear Sir: Please send me a shipping-book for 1859."</p> + +<p>The dispatch received, read as follows:</p> + +<p>"D. Horton:—Please send me a shipping-box eighteen feet by nine."</p> + +<p>The following might have been more disastrous in its results; the same +parties were concerned. Mr. Horton wrote to the proprietor of the line +that he had been subpœnaed on a trial to be held in the Supreme Court +of New York, and that as navigation was about to open, it would be +necessary to send a man to perform his office duties. The following +reply was entrusted to the tender care of the telegraph wire:</p> + +<p>"See the Judge at once and get excused. I cannot send a man in your +place."</p> + +<p>When received, it read as follows:</p> + +<p>"See the Judge at once and get executed; I can send a man in your +place."</p> + +<p>Mr. H. claims on the margin of the dispatch a stay of execution.</p> + +<p>Not long since a gentleman telegraphed to a friend at Cleveland an +interesting family affair, as follows:</p> + +<p>"Sarah and little one are doing well."</p> + +<p>The telegraph reached its destination, when it read thus:</p> + +<p>"Sarah and litter are doing well."</p> + +<p>The recipient telegraphed back the following startling query:</p> + +<p>"For Heaven's sake, how many?"</p> + + + +<h3>SLEEPING IN CHURCH.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span> observed in his sermon, that this was unpardonable, as +people did it with their <i>eyes open</i>. Wrapt up in the admiration of his +own discourse, he did not observe that from its tediousness his audience +one by one had slipped away, until there only remained a natural. +Lifting up his eyes, he exclaimed, "What! All gone, except this poor +idiot!" "Aye," says the lad, "and <i>if I had not been a poor idiot I had +been gone too</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>ECONOMY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> asked her butler how she might best save a barrel of excellent +small beer; he answered, "By placing a cask of strong beer by it."</p> + + + +<h3>A CONSTELLATION OF BULLS.</h3> + +<p>A letter written during the Irish rebellion.</p> + + +<p><i>My dear Sir</i>:—Having now a little <i>peace and quietness</i>, I sit down to +inform you of a dreadful <i>bustle and confusion</i> we are in from these +blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, however, thank God, <i>killed or +dispersed</i>.</p> + +<p>We are in a pretty <i>mess</i>; can get <i>nothing to eat</i>, nor any <i>wine</i> to +drink, <i>except whiskey</i>; and when we <i>sit down</i> to dinner, we are +obliged to <i>stand</i> with arms in both hands: <i>whilst I write this letter, +I hold a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded</i>, from +the <i>beginning</i>, that this would be the <i>end</i> of it; and I see I was +right, for <i>it is not half over yet</i>. At present there is such <i>goings +on</i>, that every thing is <i>at a stand</i>.</p> + +<p>I should have answered your letter <i>a fortnight ago</i>, but <i>it only came +this morning</i>. Indeed, hardly a mail arrives <i>safe</i>, without being +<i>robbed</i>. Yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin was <i>robbed</i> +near this town: but the <i>bags</i> had been judiciously <i>left behind</i>, for +fear of accidents; and by good luck there was nobody <i>in the coach</i>, +except <i>two outside</i> passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to +take.</p> + +<p>Last Thursday an alarm was given, that a gang of rebels were advancing +hither, under the French <i>standard</i>; but they had no <i>colors</i>, nor any +<i>drums</i> except <i>bagpipes</i>. Immediately every <i>man</i> in the place, +including <i>women and children</i>, ran out to meet them. We soon found our +force <i>much too little</i>; and they were <i>far</i> too <i>near</i> for us to think +of retreating; so to it we went: <i>death</i> was <i>in every face</i>; but by the +time <i>half</i> our little party was <i>killed</i>, we began to be <i>all alive</i>. +The rebels fortunately had no <i>guns</i>, except <i>cutlasses and pikes</i>; and +as we had plenty of <i>muskets and ammunition</i>, we put them all to the +<i>sword</i>: not a soul of them <i>escaped</i>, except some that were <i>drowned</i> +in the adjoining bog; and in a very short time nothing was to be <i>heard</i> +but <i>silence</i>. Their <i>uniforms</i> were <i>all</i> of <i>different shapes</i> and +<i>colours</i>—in general they were green. After the action we rummaged +their camp; all we found was a few <i>pikes without heads</i>, a parcel of +<i>empty bottles full</i> of water, and a bundle of <i>blank</i> French +commissions <i>filled up</i> with Irishmen's names.</p> + +<p>Troops are now stationed every where <i>round</i> the country, which exactly +<i>squares</i> with my ideas. Nothing, however, can save us but a union, +which would turn our <i>barren hills</i> into fruitful <i>valleys</i>. I have only +<i>leisure</i> to add, that I am in <i>great haste</i>.</p> + +<p class="r"> +Yours truly,<br /> +J. B.<br /> +</p> + +<p>P. S. If you do not <i>receive this in course</i>, it must have <i>miscarried</i>, +therefore <i>write</i> immediately to <i>let me know</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>THE LOGICIAN REWARDED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A farmer's</span> son, who had been bred at the university, coming home to +visit his parents, a couple of chickens were brought to the table for +supper. "I can prove," said he, "by logic, that these two chickens are +three." "Well, let us hear," said the old man. "This," cried the +scholar, "is one; and this is two; one and two make three." "Very good," +replied the father, "your mother shall have the first chicken, I will +have the second, and you, for your great learning, shall have the +third."</p> + + + +<h3>DOUBLE PUNISHMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> captain of the Magnanime found it necessary one day to order a negro +on board a flogging. Being tied up, the captain harangued him on his +offence. Quaco, naked and shivering in the month of December, exclaimed, +"Massa! if you preachee, preachee; if you floggee, floggee; but no +preachee and floggee too."</p> + + + +<h3>REASON AND A PROVERB EXPLAINED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a party of wits an argument took place as to the definition of a +reasonable animal. Speech was principally contended for; but on this Dr. +Johnson observed, that parrots and magpies speak; were they therefore +rational? "Women," he added, "we know, are rational animals; but would +they be less so if they spoke less?" Jamie Boswell contended that +cookery was the criterion of reason; for that no animal but man did +cook. "That," observed Burke, "explains to me a proverb, which I never +before could understand—<i>There is reason in the roasting of eggs</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A GENERAL COMPLAINT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> lieutenant colonel of one of the Irish regiments in the French +service being dispatched from Fort Keil by the Duke of Berwick to the +King of France, with a complaint of some irregularities that had +occurred in that regiment, his majesty observed passionately, that the +Irish troops gave him more trouble than all his forces besides. "Sir," +said the officer, "all your majesty's enemies make the same complaint."</p> + + + +<h3>COOLNESS IN ACTION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the action off Camperdown, Admiral de Winter asked one of his +lieutenants for a quid of tobacco. In the act of presenting it, the +lieutenant was carried off by a cannon-ball. "I must be obliged to <i>you</i> +then," said the admiral, turning to another officer, "for you see our +friend is gone away with his tobacco box."</p> + + + +<h3>A CAUTION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A traveler</span> coming into an inn in a very cold night, stood rather too +close before the kitchen fire. A rogue in the chimney corner told him, +"Sir, you'll burn your spurs." "My boots, you mean," said the gentleman. +"No, Sir," replied the other, "they are burnt already."</p> + + + +<h3>IMPROVEMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A French</span> marquis boasted of the inventive genius of his nation, +especially in matters of dress and fashion; "For instance," said he, +"the ruffle, that fine ornament of the hand, which has been followed by +all other nations." "True," answered the Englishman, "but we generally +improve on your inventions; for example, <i>in adding the shirt to the +ruffle</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>AN AMENDMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the time of the jubilee, 1809, a meeting was held of the felons in +Newgate to pray his majesty for their pardon and liberation on the +auspicious occasion. One of them observed, that it would be better, for +them and their successors, to petition that all felonies be tried in the +<i>Court of Chancery</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>THE LEARNED DOG.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Frank Sims</span>, the theatrical registrar, had a dog named Bob, and a +sagacious dog he was; but he was a pusillanimous dog, in a word, an +arrant coward, and above all things he dreaded the fire of a gun. His +master having taken him once to the enclosed part of Hyde Park next to +Kensington Gardens, when the guards were exercising, their first fire so +alarmed Bob that he scampered off, and never after could be prevailed on +to enter that ground. One day he followed his master cordially till he +arrived at its entrance, where a board is placed, with this inscription: +"Do shoot all dogs <i>who</i> shall be found within this inclosure;" when +immediately he turned tail, and went off as fast as his legs could carry +him. A French gentleman, surprised at the animal's rapid retreat, +politely asked Mr. Sims what could be the cause. "Don't you see," said +Sims, "what is written on the board?" to the utter astonishment of the +Frenchman, who had never before seen a dog that could read.</p> + + + +<h3>CAUSE OF BULLS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir Richard Steele</span>, being asked why his countrymen were so addicted to +making bulls, said, he believed there must be something in the air of +Ireland, adding, "I dare say, <i>if an Englishman were born there</i> he +would do the same."</p> + + + +<h3>MOT-MALIN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A noted</span> miser boasted that he had lost five shillings without uttering a +single complaint. "I am not at all surprised at that," said a wit, +"<i>extreme sorrow is mute</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>AS THE FOOL THINKS THE BELL CLINKS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A widow</span>, desirous of marrying her servant John, consulted the curate on +the subject.</p> + +<p>"I am not yet beyond the age of marriage."</p> + +<p>"Marry then."</p> + +<p>"But people will say that my intended is too young for me."</p> + +<p>"Don't marry."</p> + +<p>"He would assist me in managing the business."</p> + +<p>"Marry then."</p> + +<p>"But I am afraid he would soon despise me."</p> + +<p>"Don't marry."</p> + +<p>"But on the other hand a poor widow is despised who has no protector."</p> + +<p>"Marry then."</p> + +<p>"I am sadly afraid, however, that he would take up with the wenches."</p> + +<p>"Then don't marry."</p> + +<p>Uncertain from these contradictory responses, the dame consulted the +bells when ringing, and which seemed to repeat, "Marry your man John." +She took this oracular advice, married, and soon repented. She again +applied to the curate, who told her, "You have not observed well what +the bells said; listen again." She did so, when they distinctly +repeated, "Don't marry John."</p> + + + +<h3>A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl who +showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No," +answered she, "I am to be let—<i>alone</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>REASON ON BOTH SIDES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles II.</span> asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached +in general without book, but always read the sermons which he delivered +before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before him +so great and wise a prince made him afraid to trust himself. "But will +your majesty," continued he, "permit me to ask you a question in my +turn? Why do you read your speeches to parliament?" "Why doctor," +replied the king, "I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so +often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face."</p> + + + +<h3>SELF TAUGHT GENIUS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a company of artists, the conversation turned on the subject, whether +self-taught men could arrive at the perfection of genius combined with +instruction. A German musician maintained the affirmative, and gave +himself as an example. "I have," said he, "made a fiddle, which turns +out as good as any Cremona I ever drew a bow over, all <i>out of my own +head</i>; aye, and I have got <i>wood enough left to make another</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>AN ARTFUL REQUEST.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> traveling from Paris to Calais, was accosted by a man +walking along, who begged the favor of him to let him put his great coat +in his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman, "but if we +should be going different ways, how will you get your great coat?" +"Sir," answered the other, with apparent <i>naïvetè</i>, "I shall be in it."</p> + + + +<h3>A FELONY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> gentleman, a clerk in the Treasury, used every morning, as he +came from his lady mother's to the office, to pass by the canal in the +Green Park, and feed the ducks then kept there, with bread and corn, +which he carried in his pocket for the purpose. One day, having called +his grateful friends, the <i>ducky, ducky, duckies</i>, he found +unfortunately that he had forgotten them. "Poor duckies!" he cried, "I +am sorry I have not brought your allowance, <i>but here is sixpence for +you to buy some</i>," and threw in a sixpence, which one of them caught and +gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to the other +gentlemen there, with whom he was to dine next day. One of the party +putting the landlord up to the story, desired him to have ducks at the +table, and put a sixpence in the body of one of them, which was taken +care to be placed before our hero. On cutting it up, and discovering the +sixpence in its belly, he ordered the waiter to send up his master, whom +he loaded with the epithets of rascal and scoundrel, swearing that he +would have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his ducks; "For," said +he, "gentlemen, I assure you, on my honor, that yesterday morning, <i>I +gave this sixpence to one of the ducks in the Green Park</i>."'</p> + + + +<h3>CONVINCING EVIDENCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> clergyman having been examined as a witness in the King's +Bench, the adverse counsel, by way of brow-beating, said, "If I be not +mistaken, you are known as the <i>bruising parson</i>." "I am," said the +divine, "and if you doubt it I will give it you <i>under my hand</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>TOO BAD.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> who was sentenced to be hung was visited by his wife, who said: +"My dear, would you like the children to see you executed?" "No," +replied he. "That's just like you," said she, "for you never wanted the +children to have any enjoyment."</p> + + + +<h3>PARLIAMENTARY BULL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the Irish Bank-bill, passed in June 1808, there is a clause, +providing, that the profits shall be <i>equally</i> divided; and the <i>residue +go to the Governor</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>ANOTHER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a bill for pulling down the old Newgate in Dublin, and rebuilding it +on the same spot, it was enacted, that the prisoners should remain in +the <i>old jail</i> till the new one was completed.</p> + + + +<h3>CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> deeds themselves, though <i>mute</i>, <i>spoke loud</i> the doer.</p> + + + +<h3>ANOTHER. SHAKSPEARE.</h3> + + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">I will</span> strive with things impossible,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Yea, <i>get the better of them</i>.</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>ANOTHER. DR. JOHNSON.</h3> + + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Turn</span> from the glittering bribe your scornful eye,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Nor sell for gold <i>what gold can never buy</i>.</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>CLASSICAL BULL. DR. JOHNSON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Every</span> monumental inscription should be in Latin; for that being a <i>dead</i> +language, it will always <i>live</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>ANOTHER. <i>Ibid.</i></h3> + + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Nor</span> yet perceived the vital spirit fled,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">But still fought on, <i>nor knew that he was dead</i>.</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>ANOTHER. <i>Ibid.</i></h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> has not only <i>shown</i> human nature as it is, but as it would +be found <i>in situations to which it cannot be exposed</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>ANOTHER. <i>Ibid.</i></h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">These</span> observations were made <i>by favor of a contrary wind</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>ANOTHER. DRYDEN.</h3> + + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">A horrid</span> <i>silence</i> first <i>invades the ear</i>.</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>ANOTHER. POPE.</h3> + + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">When</span> first young Maro, in his noble mind,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A work <i>t'outlast immortal Rome designed</i>.</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>DEPRAVITY OF THE AGE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> itinerant clergyman preaching on this subject, said that little +children, <i>who could neither speak nor walk</i>, were to be seen <i>running +about the street, cursing and swearing</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>THE SIGNAL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A monk</span> having intruded into the chamber of a nobleman, who was at the +point of death, and had lost his speech, continued crying out, "My lord, +will you make the grant of such and such a thing to our monastery? It +will be for the good of your soul." The peer, at each question, nodded +his head. The monk, on this, turned round to the son and heir, who was +in the room: "You see, sir, my lord, your father, gives his assent to my +request." To this, the son made no reply; but turning to his father, +asked him, "Is it your will, sir, that I kick this monk down stairs?" +The nod of assent was given, and the permission put in force with hearty +good will.</p> + + + +<h3>A LONG BOW.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A dealer</span> in the marvellous was a constant frequenter of a house in +Lambeth-walk, where he never failed to entertain the company with his +miraculous tales. A bet was laid, that he would be surpassed by a +certain actor, who, telling the following story, the palm was not only +given to him by the company, but the story teller, ashamed, deserted the +house:</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," said the actor, "when I was a lad, at sea, as we lay in the +Bay of Messina, in a moonlight night, and perfectly calm, I heard a +little splashing, and looking over the ship's bow, I saw, as I thought, +a man's head, and to my utter surprise, there arose out of the water a +man, extremely well-dressed, with his hair highly powdered, white silk +stockings, and diamond buckles, his garment being embroidered with the +most brilliant scales. He walked up the cable with the ease and +elegance of a Richer. Stepping on deck, he addressed me in English, +thus: 'Pray, young man, is the captain on board?' I, with my hair +standing on end, answered, 'Yes, sir.' At this moment, the captain, +overhearing our conversation, came on deck, and received the visitor +very courteously, and without any apparent surprise. Asking his +commands, the stranger said, 'I am one of the submarine inhabitants of +this neighborhood. I had, this evening, taken my family to a ball, but +on returning to my house, I found the fluke of your anchor jammed so +close up to my street door, that we could not get in. I am come +therefore, to entreat you, sir, to weigh anchor, so that we may get in, +as my wife and daughters are waiting in their carriage, in the street.' +The captain readily granted the request of his aquatic visitor, who took +his leave with much urbanity, and the captain returned to bed."</p> + + + +<h3>GOOD HUMOR RESTORED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">One</span> evening, at the Haymarket theatre, the farce of the <i>Lying Valet</i> +was to be performed, <i>Sharp</i>, by Mr. Shuter; but that comedian being +absent, an apology was made, and it was announced that the part would be +undertaken by Mr. Weston, whose transcendent comic powers were not then +sufficiently appreciated. Coming on with Mrs. Gardner, in the part of +<i>Kitty Pry</i>, there was a tumultuous call of "Shuter! Shuter!" but Tom +put them all in good temper, by asking, with irresistibly quaint humor, +"Why should I <i>shoot her</i>? She plays her part very well."</p> + + + +<h3>THE REVERSE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Abbé Tegnier, secretary to the French academy, one day made a +collection of a pistole a head from the members, for some general +expense. Not observing that the President Rose, who was very penurious, +had put his money in the hat, he presented it to him a second time. M. +Rose assured him that he had put in his pistole. "I believe it," said +the Abbé, "though I did not see it." "And I," said Fontenelle, "saw it, +and could not believe it."</p> + + + +<h3>STERLING COMPOSITION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a party of noblemen of wit and genius, it was proposed to try their +skill in composition, each writing a sentence on whatsoever subject he +thought proper, and the decision was left to Dryden, who formed one of +the company. The poet having read them all, said, "There are here +abundance of fine things, and such as do honor to the noble writers, but +I am under the indispensable necessity of giving the palm to my lord +Dorset; and when I have read it, I am convinced your lordships will all +be satisfied with my judgment—these are the inimitable words:</p> + +<p>"'I promise to pay to John Dryden, on order, the sum of five hundred +pounds.</p> + +<p class="r">DORSET.'"</p> + + + +<h3>A CARD PUN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A butcher's</span> boy, running against a gentleman with his tray, made him +exclaim, "The <i>deuce</i> take the <i>tray</i>!" "Sir," said the lad, "the <i>deuce +can't take the tray</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A WHIMSICAL IDEA.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Sir Thomas Robinson was a tall, uncouth figure, and his +appearance was still more grotesque, from his hunting-dress: a +postilion's cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. Being at +Paris, and going in this habit to visit his sister, who was married, and +settled there, he arrived when there was a large company at dinner. The +servant announced M. Robinson, and he entered, to the great amazement of +the guests. Among others, an Abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, +and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable longer +to restrain his curiosity, he burst out with, "Excuse me, Sir, are you +the <i>Robinson Crusoe</i> so famous in history?"</p> + + + +<h3>AN IRISH SOLDIER'S QUARTERS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> Irish soldiers being stationed in a borough in the west of England, +got into a conversation respecting their quarters. "How," said the one, +"are you quartered?" "Pretty well." "What part of the house do you sleep +in?" "Upstairs." "In the garret, perhaps?" "The garret! no, Dennis +O'Brien would never sleep in the garret." "Where then?" "Why, I know not +what you call it; but if the house were turned topsy turvy, I should be +in the cellar."</p> + + + +<h3>THAT'S SO.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A distinguished</span> wag about town says, the head coverings the ladies wear +now-a-days, are barefaced false hoods. The perpetrator of this is still +at large.</p> + + + +<h3>A MARSHAL HUMBLED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A French</span> Field Marshal who had attained that rank by court favour, not +by valour, received from a lady the present of a drum, with this +inscription—"<i>made to be beaten</i>."</p> + +<p>The same <i>hero</i>, going one evening to the Opera, forcibly took +possession of the box of a respectable Abbé, who for this outrage +brought a suit in a court of honour, established for such cases under +the old government. The Abbé thus addressed the court: "I come not here +to complain of Admiral Suffrein, who took so many ships in the East +Indies. I come not to complain of Count de Grasse, who fought so nobly +in the West; I come not to complain of the Duke de Crebillon, who took +Minorca; but I come to complain of the Marshal B——, who <i>took my box</i> +at the Opera, and <i>never took any thing else</i>." The court paid him the +high compliment of refusing his suit, declaring that he had himself +inflicted sufficient punishment.</p> + + + +<h3>A COURTLY COMPLIMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A French</span> officer, just arrived, and introduced to the Court at Vienna, +the Empress told him she heard he had in his travels visited a lady +renowned for her beauty; and asked if it was true that she was the most +handsome princess of her time. The courtier answered, "<i>I thought so +yesterday.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>A CONGRATULATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a circuit dinner, a counsellor observed to another, "I shall +certainly hang your client." His friend answered, "I give you joy of +your new office."</p> + + + +<h3>ALGERINE WIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Frenchman</span>, taken into slavery by an Algerine, was asked what he could +do. His answer was, that he had been used to a <i>sedentary</i> employment. +"Well, then," said the pirate, "you shall have a pair of feather +breeches, to sit and hatch chickens."</p> + + + +<h3>A ROYAL DECISION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Princess of Prussia, having ordered some silks from Lyons, they were +stopped for duties by an excise officer, whom she ordered to attend her +with the silks, and receive his demand. On his entrance into her +apartment, the princess flew at the officer, and seizing the +merchandise, gave him two or three hearty cuffs on the face. The +mortified exciseman complained to the king in a memorial, to which his +majesty returned the following answer:</p> + +<p>"The loss of the duties belonging to my account, the silks are to remain +in the possession of the princess, and the cuffs with the receiver. As +to the alleged dishonor, I cancel the same, at the request of the +complainant; but it is, of itself, null; for the white hand of a fair +lady cannot possibly dishonor the face of an exciseman.</p> + +<p class="r"><span class="smcap">Frederick</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Berlin, Nov. 30th, 1778.</i></p> + + + +<h3>FELLOW FEELING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady's</span> favorite dog having bitten a piece out of a male visitor's leg, +she exclaimed, "Poor dear little creature! <i>I hope it will not make him +sick.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>UNREASONABLE FASTING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> gentlemen, wishing to go into a tavern on one of the national +fast-days, found the door shut; and on their knocking, the waiter told +them from within, that his master would allow no one to enter during +service on the fast-day. "Your master," said one of them, "might be +contented <i>to fast himself</i>, without making his <i>doors fast too</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A WHIMSICAL IDEA.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A noble</span> lord asked a clergyman at the foot of his table, why, if there +was a goose at dinner, it was always placed next the parson. "Really," +said he, "I can give no reason for it; but your question is so odd, that +I shall never after see a <i>goose</i> without thinking of your lordship."</p> + + + +<h3>THE BREECHES-MAKER CAPTAIN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A captain</span> in a volunteer corps, drilling his company, had occasion to +desire one of the gentlemen to step farther out in marching. The order +not being attended to, was repeated in a peremptory tone, when the +private exclaimed, "I cannot, captain, <i>you have made my breeches too +tight</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>TIT FOR TAT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> contractors, who had made large fortunes, had a quarrel. One of +them, in the midst of the altercation, asked the other contemptuously, +"Do you remember, Sir, when you were my footman?" The other answered, "I +do; and had you been my footman, you would have been a footman still."</p> + + + +<h3>SOUND ARGUMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A sailor</span> being about to set out for India, a citizen asked him:</p> + +<p>"Where did your father die?"</p> + +<p>"In shipwreck."</p> + +<p>"And where did your grandfather die?"</p> + +<p>"As he was fishing, a storm arose, and the bark foundering, all on board +perished."</p> + +<p>"And your great-grandfather?"</p> + +<p>"He also perished on board a ship which struck on a rock."</p> + +<p>"Then," said the citizen, "if I were you, <i>I would never go to sea</i>."</p> + +<p>"And pray, Mr. Philosopher," observed the seaman, "where did your father +die?"</p> + +<p>"In his bed."</p> + +<p>"And your grandfather?"</p> + +<p>"In his bed."</p> + +<p>"And your great-grandfather?"</p> + +<p>"He and all my ancestors died quietly in their beds."</p> + +<p>"Then, if I were you, <i>I would never go to bed</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>INGRATITUDE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the <i>School for Scandal</i> was first performed, Mr. Cumberland sat in +the front of the stage box with the most complete apathy; its wit and +humor never affected his risible muscles. This being reported to Mr. +Sheridan, he observed, "That was very ungrateful, for I am sure I +laughed heartily at his tragedy of <i>The Battle of Hastings</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>REASONS FOR DRAM-DRINKING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> in a coffee-house called, "Waiter! bring me a glass of +brandy; I am very hot." Another, "Waiter! a glass of brandy; I am +devilish cold." Mr. Quin, "Waiter! give me a glass of brandy; because I +like it."</p> + + + +<h3>SMUGGLING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> asked a silly but conceited Scotch nobleman, how it happened that +the Scots who came out of their own country were in general of more +abilities than those who remained at home. "Madam," said he, "the reason +is obvious; at every outlet there are persons stationed to examine those +who pass, that for the honor of the country no one be permitted to leave +it who is not a person of understanding." "Then," said she, "I presume +your lordship was smuggled."</p> + + + +<h3>A MIS-UNDER-STANDING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> desired his boot-maker, as he took measure, to observe +particularly that one of his legs was bigger than the other, and of +course to make one of his boots bigger than the other. When they were +brought home, trying the larger boot on the small leg, it went on +easily, but when he attempted the other, his foot stuck fast. "You are a +pretty tradesman," said he, "I ordered you to make one of the boots +<i>larger than the other</i>; and, instead of that, you have made one of them +<i>smaller than the other</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>THE DOUBLE BULL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">"How</span> can you call these blackberries, when they are red?" "Don't you +know that <i>black</i> berries are always <i>red</i> when they are <i>green</i>?"</p> + + + +<h3>IRISH DREAMING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> General and Mrs. V. were in Dublin, they were perpetually teased by +an old woman whom they had relieved, but whose importunity had no +bounds; every time she could find an opportunity she had a fresh tale to +extract money from their pockets. One day as they were stepping into +their carriage, Molly accosted them: "Ah! good luck to your honor's +honor, and your ladyship's honor,—to be sure I was not dreaming of you +last night; I dreamt that your honor's honor gave me a pound of tobacco, +and her ladyship gave me a pound of taa." "Aye, my good woman," says the +general, "but you know dreams always go by contraries." "Do they so?" +replied she, "then it must be that your honor will give me the taa, and +her ladyship the tobacco."</p> + + + +<h3>THE PROVIDENT WIFE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A tailor</span> dying said to his wife, who was plunged in tears, "My dear, +don't let my death afflict you too much. I would recommend you to marry +Thomas, our foreman; he is a good lad and a clever workman, and would +assist you to carry on the trade." "My love," answered the disconsolate +dame, "make yourself easy on that score, for Tom and I have settled the +matter already."</p> + + + +<h3>THE COCKNEY'S BAGGAGE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Sut Lovingood</span> sends the following to an exchange. A full-blooded Cockney +who is now taking notes on the United States, chanced to be on one of +our southern trains, when a "run off" took place, and a general mixing +up of things was the consequence. Cockney's first act, after +straightening out his collapsed hat, was to raise a terrible 'ubbub +about 'is baggage, and among other things, wanted to know, "hif +railroads hin Hamerika wasn't responsible for baggage stolen, smashed, +or missing?"</p> + +<p>"Well, yes," said the Tennessean addressed, "but it is a deuce of a job +to get your pay."</p> + +<p>"Why so?"</p> + +<p>"They will perhaps admit your claim, but then <i>they offer to fight you +for it</i>; that's a standing American rule. There is the man employed by +this road to <i>fight for baggage</i>," pointing to a huge bewhiskered +train-hand, who stood by with his sleeves rolled up, "I think, if my +memory serves me, he has fought for sixty-nine lots, <i>an' blamed if he +haint won 'em all</i>. They gave him the empty trunks for his pay, and he +is making a hundred dollars a month in selling trunks, valises, +carpet-bags, and satchels. Have you lost any baggage?"</p> + +<p>"No, no, not hat hall. Hi just hasked to learn your custom hin case hi +<i>did</i> lose hany. Hi don't <i>think</i> hi'll lose mine 'owever."</p> + +<p>Here the train-hand who overheard the talk, stepped up, and inquired, +"Have you lost anything?"</p> + +<p>"Ho no! ho no!" replied Cockney, with unusual energy.</p> + +<p>"Can't I sell you a trunk?"</p> + +<p>"Thank you, Sir. No, I think I have a supply."</p> + +<p>"Well, if you do either lose baggage or want to buy a trunk <i>already +marked</i>, deuced if I ain't the man to call on."</p> + +<p>It is needless to say that instead of raising Cain generally, as Cockney +had been doing, he betook him to zealously writing notes on American +customs during the remainder of the delay. Probably he indited something +fully equal to the <i>London Times</i> Georgia railroad story.</p> + + + +<h3>EQUIVOQUE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A scholar</span> put his horse into a field belonging to Morton College, on +which the Master sent him a message, that if he continued his horse +there, he would cut off his tail. "Say you so!" answered the scholar, +"go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse's tail, I will cut off his +ears." This being delivered to the Master, he in a passion sent for the +scholar, who appearing before him, he said sternly, "How now, Sir, what +mean you by that menace you sent me?" "Sir," said the youth, "I menaced +you not; I only said, <i>if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut off +his ears</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>THE LOST FOUND.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A servant</span> being sent with half a dozen living partridges in a present, +had the curiosity to open the lid of the basket containing them, when +they all made their escape. He proceeded, however, with the letter: the +gentleman to whom it was addressed having read it, said, "I find <i>in +this letter</i> half a dozen of partridges." "Do you, indeed?" cried Pat, +"I am glad you have <i>found them in the letter</i>, for they all <i>flew out +of the basket</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A FILLIP TO A KING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Earl of St. Albans was, like many other staunch loyalists, little +remembered by Charles II. He was, however, an attendant at court, and +one of his majesty's companions in his gay hours. On one such occasion, +a stranger came with an important suit for an office of great value, +just vacant. The king, by way of joke, desired the earl to personate +him, and ordered the petitioner to be admitted. The gentleman, +addressing himself to the supposed monarch, enumerated his services to +the royal family, and hoped the grant of the place would not be deemed +too great a reward. "By no means," answered the earl, "and I am only +sorry that as soon as I heard of the vacancy I conferred it upon my +faithful friend the Earl of St. Albans [pointing to the king], who has +constantly followed the fortunes both of my father and myself, and has +hitherto gone unrewarded." Charles granted for this joke what the utmost +real services looked for in vain.</p> + + + +<h3>A MERITED REWARD.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A physician,</span> during his attendance on a man of letters, remarking that +the patient was very punctual in observing his regimen and taking his +prescriptions, exclaimed with exultation, "My dear sir, you really +<i>deserve to be ill</i>!"</p> + + + +<h3>COCKNEYISM.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Londoner</span> told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of +<i>hair</i>. "You had better," said the other, "go to the <i>wig-maker's +shop</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A STORY APPLIED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Balfour</span>, a Scotch advocate of dry humour, but much pomposity, being +in a large company, where the convivial Earl of Kelly presided, was +requested to give a song, which he declined. Lord Kelly, with all the +despotism of a chairman, insisted that if he would not sing, he must +tell a story or drink a pint bumper of wine. Mr. Balfour, being an +abstemious man, would not submit to the latter alternative, but +consented to tell a story. "One day," said he, "a thief, prowling about, +passed a church, the door of which was invitingly open. Thinking that he +might even there find some prey, he entered, and was decamping with the +pulpit-cloth, when he found his exit interrupted, the doors having been +in the interim fastened. What was he to do to escape with his plunder? +He mounted the steeple, and let himself down by the bell-rope; but +scarcely had he reached the bottom when the consequent noise of the bell +brought together people, who seized him. As he was led off to prison he +addressed the bell, <i>as I now address your lordship</i>; said he, '<i>Had it +not been for your long tongue and your empty head I had made my +escape</i>.'"</p> + + + +<h3>AMOR PATRIÆ.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A dispute</span> arose as to the site of Goldsmith's <i>Deserted Village</i>. An +Irish clergyman insisted that it was the little hamlet of Auburn, in the +county of Westmeath. One of the company observed that this was +improbable, as Dr. Goldsmith had never been in that part of the country. +"Why, gentlemen," exclaimed the parson, "was Milton in hell when he +wrote his <i>Paradise Lost</i>?"</p> + + + +<h3>A QUAKER JOKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A correspondent</span> sends the Buffalo Express the following good thing for +the hot weather:</p> + +<p>K——, the Quaker President of a Pennsylvania railroad, during the +confusion and panic last fall, called upon the W—— Bank, with which +the road had kept a large regular account, and asked for an extension of +a part of its paper falling due in a few days. The Bank President +declined rather abruptly, saying, in a tone common with that fraternity,</p> + +<p>"Mr. K., your paper <i>must be paid at maturity</i>. We <i>cannot renew it</i>."</p> + +<p>"Very well," our Quaker replied, and left the Bank. But he did not let +the matter drop here. On leaving the Bank, he walked quietly over to the +depot and telegraphed all the agents and conductors on the road, to +reject the bills on the W—— Bank. In a few hours the trains began to +arrive, full of panic, and bringing the news of distrust of the W—— +Bank all along the line of the road. Stock-holders and depositors +flocked into the Bank, making the panic, inquiring,</p> + +<p>"What is the matter?"</p> + +<p>"Is the Bank broke?"</p> + +<p>A little inquiry by the officers showed that the trouble originated in +the rejection of the bills by the railroad. The President seized his +hat, and rushed down to the Quaker's office, and came bustling in with +the inquiry:</p> + +<p>"Mr. K., have you directed the refusal of our currency by your agents?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," was the quiet reply.</p> + +<p>"Why is this? It will ruin us!"</p> + +<p>"Well, friend L., I supposed thy Bank was about to fail, as thee could +not renew a little paper for us this morning."</p> + +<p>It is needless to say Mr. L. renewed all the Quaker's paper, and +enlarged his line of discount, while the magic wires carried all along +the road to every agent the sedative message,</p> + +<p>"The W—— Bank is all right. Thee may take its currency."</p> + + + +<h3>A ROYAL PHYSICIAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Henry VIII.</span> hunting in Windsor Forest, struck down about dinner to the +abbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the Royal Guards, +he was invited to the abbot's table. A sirloin was set before him, on +which he laid to as lustily as any <i>beef-eater</i>. "Well fare thy heart," +quoth the abbot, "and here in a cup of sack I remember the health of his +grace your master. I would give a hundred pounds that I could feed on +beef as heartily as you do. Alas! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely +digest the wing of a chicken." The king heartily pledged him, thanked +him for his good cheer, and departed undiscovered. Shortly after, the +abbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and fed on bread and +water, ignorant of the cause, and terrified at his situation. At last, a +sirloin of beef was set before him, on which his empty stomach made him +feed voraciously. "My lord!" exclaimed the king entering from a private +closet, "instantly deposit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. I +have been your physician, and here, as I deserve it, I demand my fee."</p> + + + +<h3>A SELFISH PUN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to +his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighboring oyster-monger, +as being ungenerous and <i>selfish</i>; "and why," said he, "would you not +have me <i>sell-fish</i>?"</p> + + + +<h3>SYMPATHY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A good</span> deacon making an official visit to a dying neighbor, who was a +very churlish and universally unpopular man, put the usual +question—"Are you willing to go, my friend?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes," said the sick man, "I am."</p> + +<p>"Well," said the simple minded deacon, "I am glad you are, for <i>all the +neighbors are willing</i>!"</p> + + + +<h3>MATERNAL ADVICE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A noble</span> Lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his +mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, +and his drink water. "What! Madam," said he, "would you have me to +imitate a man, who <i>eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish</i>!"</p> + + + +<h3>PROVERBS APPLIED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A "fat</span> and greasy citizen," having made a ridiculous motion in the +Common Council, observed afterwards at a select <i>dinner party</i>, (or +rather <i>party dinner</i>,) that he was afraid he should be <i>hauled over the +coals</i> for it. An alderman present observed, "<i>Then all the fat would be +in the fire.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>PROOF OF YORKSHIRE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lad</span>, seeing a gentleman in a public house eating eggs, said,</p> + +<p>"Be so good, Sir, as give me a little salt."</p> + +<p>"Salt, for what?"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps, Sir, you'll ask me to eat an egg, and I should like to be +ready."</p> + +<p>"What country are you from, my lad?"</p> + +<p>"I's Yorkshire, Sir."</p> + +<p>"I thought so—Well, there take your egg."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, Sir."</p> + +<p>"Well, they are great horse-stealers in your country are not they?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; my father, though an honest man, would think no more of taking a +horse, than I would of drinking your glass of ale," <i>taking it off</i>.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I see you are Yorkshire."</p> + + + +<h3>SCOTCH WEATHER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> a very wet day in the west of Scotland, a traveler, who had been +detained a week by bad weather, peevishly asked a native, if it always +rained in that country? He replied, drily, "No, it <i>snows sometimes</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>AN OBSERVATION EXEMPLIFIED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A boy</span> on the stage danced very finely and obtained much applause. A +senior dancer enviously observed, that he never knew a clever boy turn +out a great man. The boy said, "Sir, you must have been a very clever +boy."</p> + + + +<h3>TIT FOR TAT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Dobbs</span> was up and doing, April Fool Day. A singular phenomenon was to be +seen in the vicinity of his place of business. Dobbs went home from his +store, the last evening in March, and while taking his tea, remarked to +his wife, that his colored porter had been blessed with an increase in +his family.</p> + +<p>"Why," said Mrs. D., "that makes nine!"</p> + +<p>"Exactly," said he; "but the singularity about this new comer, is, that +one half of its face is black."</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. D., "that is singular, indeed. How strange! +What can be the cause of such disfigurement?"</p> + +<p>"Can't say," replied Dobbs, "but it is a curiosity worth seeing, to say +the least of it."</p> + +<p>"So I should think," returned his better half. "I will go down in the +morning, and take such delicacies as the woman needs, and see the child +at the same time."</p> + +<p>Dobbs knew she would, so he went out to smoke a cigar, and the subject +was dropped for the evening. Next morning after he went to his store, +the kind-hearted woman made up a basket of nice things, and taking the +servant girl, went down to cheer up the mother, and see the singular +child. When Dobbs came home to dinner, his wife looked surprised. Before +he had time to seat himself, she said:</p> + +<p>"Have you seen cousin John? He was here, this morning, to pay you the +money you lent him, and as he could not wait for you, and must leave +town again to-day; I told him you would be at the store, at half-past +two.</p> + +<p>"How fortunate!" said he; "I need just that amount to take up a note +to-morrow. Just two, now," said Dobbs, looking at his watch, "I will go +down at once, for fear of missing him."</p> + +<p>"Can't you have dinner first?" said his affectionate wife, "you will be +in time."</p> + +<p>"No," said he, "I want that money, and would not like to miss him, so I +will go at once."</p> + +<p>"By the by," said the lady, "how came you to tell me such a story about +one side of that child's face being white?"</p> + +<p>"No, no," said he, as he put on his hat, "you are mistaken. I said one +side was black. You did not ask me about the other side; <i>that was +black, too</i>. First of April, my dear, first of April, you know."</p> + +<p>Dobbs departed in haste, and did not return again until tea time, and +then he looked disappointed.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter, my dear?" said Mrs. D.</p> + +<p>"Why, I missed cousin John, and I needed the thousand dollars to take up +a note to-morrow. And every one is so short, I cannot raise it."</p> + +<p>"Oh! is that all?" returned she, "then it's all right. Cousin John paid +me the money, and said you could send him a receipt by mail."</p> + +<p>"But," asked Dobbs, "why couldn't you tell me so at dinner time, and not +say he would be at the store, to pay me, at half-past two, and so send +me off without my dinner, besides causing me so much anxiety for +nothing?"</p> + +<p>"I am sorry you have had so much anxiety and trouble," returned his +wife; "but you are mistaken in supposing I told you he would be at the +store, at that time. I said I told him <i>you</i> would be there, at +half-past two, and knowing you were in want of that money, I knew you +would not fail. <i>First of April, my dear, first of April, you know!</i>"</p> + +<p>Dobbs caved in; he acknowledged the corn, and Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs enjoyed +a pleasant supper.</p> + + + +<h3>THE REGRET.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Joseph</span> II. Emperor of Germany, traveling incognito, stopped at an inn in +the Netherlands, where, it being fair time, and the house crowded, he +readily slept in an outhouse, after a slender supper of bacon and eggs, +for which, and bed, he paid the charge of about three shillings and +sixpence, English. A few hours after, some of his majesty's suite coming +up, the landlord appeared very uneasy at not having known the rank of +his guest. "Pshaw! man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is +accustomed to such adventures, and will think nothing of it." "Very +likely," replied mine host, "but I shall. I can never forgive myself for +having an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three and +sixpence."</p> + + + +<h3>NOT TO BE TWICE DECEIVED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span>, more ready to borrow than to pay, prevailed on a friend to +lend him a guinea, on a solemn promise of returning it the ensuing week, +which, to the surprise of the lender, he punctually kept. Shortly after, +he made an application for a larger sum. "No," said the other, "you have +deceived me once, and I will take care you shall not do so a second +time."</p> + + + +<h3>MURDER AND SUICIDE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span> preaching against lending money on usury, asserted it to be +as great a sin as <i>murder</i>. Some time after, he applied to a parishioner +to lend him twenty pounds. "What!" said the other, "after declaring your +opinion that to lend money on usury, was as bad as <i>murder</i>?" "I do not +mean," answered the parson, "that you should lend it to me on usury, but +<i>gratis</i>." "That," replied the parishioner, "would, in my opinion, be as +bad as <i>suicide</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A CHALLENGE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A son</span> of Galen, when a company was making merry by ridicule on +physicians, exclaimed, "I defy any person I ever attended, to accuse me +of ignorance or neglect." "That you may do, doctor, <i>dead men tell no +tales</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A QUALIFICATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> nobleman, lately admitted a member of the Board of Agriculture, +observed, as he took his seat, that he himself was an extensive farmer. +The company knowing his lordship's pursuits to be very different, stared +a little at the declaration; but he explained it, by saying, he had +sowed a great deal of <i>wild oats</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>QUICK WORK.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Partington</span>, speaking of the rapid manner in which wicked deeds are +perpetrated, said that it only required two <i>seconds</i> to fight a duel.</p> + + + +<h3>NON COMMITTAL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A calm</span>, blue-eyed, self-composed, and self-possessed young lady, in a +village "down east," received a long call the other day, from a prying +old spinster, who, after prolonging her stay beyond even her own +conception of the young lady's endurance, came to the main question +which brought her thither: "I've been asked a good many times if you was +engaged to Dr. C——. Now, if folks enquire again whether you be or not, +what shall I tell them I think?" "Tell them," answered the young lady, +fixing her calm blue eyes in unblushing steadiness upon the inquisitive +features of her interrogator, "tell them that you think you don't know, +and you're sure it's none of your business."</p> + + + +<h3>GRIEF.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Dutchman</span> having suddenly lost an infant son, of whom he was very fond, +thus vented his inconsolable grief over the loss of his child. "I don't +see wot dit make him die; he was so fatter as butter. I wouldn't haf him +tie for five dollars!"</p> + + + +<h3>JUDICIOUS REMARK.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A negro</span>, whom Dr. Franklin brought over from America, observed, that the +only gentleman in this country was the hog—"Everything work: <i>man</i> +work, <i>woman</i> work, <i>horse</i> work, <i>bullock</i> work, <i>ass</i> work, <i>fire</i> +work, <i>water</i> work, <i>smoke</i> work, <i>dog</i> work, <i>cat</i> work; but the <i>hog</i>, +he eat, he sleep, he do nothing all day—he be the only gentleman in +England."</p> + + + +<h3>A KNOTTY PUN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Caleb Whitefoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a +petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir," replied she; +"pray Mr. Whitefoord, can you knot?" He answered, "<i>I can-not.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>RETORT FROM A CHILD.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> diminutive man, instructing his young son, told him if he +neglected his learning he would never grow tall. The child observed, +"Father, did you ever learn anything?"</p> + + + +<h3>AN APT SCHOLAR.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">John</span>, what is the past of see?"</p> + +<p>"Seen, Sir."</p> + +<p>"No, John, it is saw."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir, and if a <i>sea</i>-fish swims by me it becomes a <i>saw</i>-fish, when +it is past and can't be <i>seen</i>."</p> + +<p>"John, go home. Ask your mother to soak your feet in hot water, to +prevent a rush of brains to the head."</p> + + + +<h3>CLASSICAL BULL. POPE.</h3> + + +<p class="poem"><span class="smcap">Eight</span> callow <i>infants</i> filled the mossy nest,<br /> +<i>Herself the ninth.</i></p> + + + +<h3>ANOTHER. HOME.</h3> + + +<p class="poem"><span class="smcap">Beneath</span> a mountain's brow, the most remote<br /> +And <i>inaccessible</i> by <i>shepherds trod</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A sailor</span> examined on an assault committed on board of ship, was asked by +the counsel, whether the plaintiff or defendant struck first. "I know +nothing," said he, "of plaintiff and defendant; I only know, as I have +said already, that Tom knocked Jack down with a marlinspike." "Here," +said the counsel, "is a pretty witness, who does not know the plaintiff +from the defendant!" Proceeding in his cross examination, the counsel +asked where the affray happened? The answer was, "Abaft the binnacle." +"Abaft the binnacle! where's that?" "Here," said the witness, "is a +pretty counsel for you, that does not know abaft the binnacle!" The +counsel, not yet abashed, asked, "And pray, my witty friend, how far +were you from Tom when he knocked down Jack?" "Just five feet seven +inches." "You are very accurate; and how do you happen to know this so +very exactly?" "I thought some fool would ask me, and so I measured it."</p> + + + +<h3>SLANG.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Mansfield</span> examining a witness, asked,</p> + +<p>"What do you know of the defendant?"</p> + +<p>"O! my lord, <i>I was up to him</i>."</p> + +<p>"Up to him! what do you mean by that?"</p> + +<p>"Mean, my lord! why, <i>I was down upon him</i>."</p> + +<p>"Up to him and down upon him! what does the fellow mean?"</p> + +<p>"Why I mean, my lord, <i>I stagged him</i>."</p> + +<p>"I do not understand your language, friend."</p> + +<p>"Lord! what a flat you must be!"</p> + + + +<h3>SCIENTIFIC DISTINCTIONS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent physician, and Fellow of the Royal Society, seeing over the +door of a paltry ale-house, <i>The Crown and Thistle</i>, by Malcolm Mac +Tavish, M.D., F.R.S., walked in, and severely rebuked the landlord for +this presumptuous insult on science. Boniface, with proper respect, but +with a firmness that showed he had been a soldier, assured the doctor +that he meant no insult to science. "What right then," asked he, "have +you to put up those letters after your name?" "I have," answered the +landlord, "as good a right to these as your honor, as <i>Drum Major of the +Royal Scots Fusileers</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>CORPORAL PUNISHMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A soldier</span> having been sentenced to receive military punishment, one of +the drummers refused to inflict it, saying it was not his duty. "Not +your duty, Sirrah!" said the adjutant, "what do you mean?" "I know very +well," replied Tattoo, "that it is not my duty; I was present at the +court martial, and heard the colonel say he was to receive <i>corporal</i> +punishment. I am no <i>corporal</i>, but only a <i>drummer</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>AN APOLOGY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Lieutenant O'Brien</span>, called <i>sky-rocket Jack</i>, was blown up in the Edgar, +but saved on the carriage of a gun. Having got on board the admiral's +ship, all dirty and wet, he said, "I hope, Sir, you will excuse my +appearing before you in this dishabille, as I came away <i>in such a devil +of a hurry</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>BLINDNESS <i>vs.</i> SIGHT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A blind</span> man having hidden a hundred guineas in the corner of his garden, +a neighbor, who observed him in the act, dug them up, and took them. The +blind man, missing his money, suspected who was the thief; but to accuse +him would serve no purpose. He called on him, saying he wished to take +his advice; that he was possessed of two hundred guineas, one hundred of +which he had deposited in a secret spot; now he wished to have his +opinion, whether he should conceal the remainder in the same place, or +if he had better put it in the hands of a banker. The neighbor advised +him, by all means, as the safest way, to hide it along with the rest, +and hastened to replace what he had taken, in the hope of catching +double the sum. But the blind man, having recovered his treasure, took +occasion to tell his neighbor, "Blind as I am, <i>I can see as far into a +mill-stone as you</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A RETORT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A spendthrift</span> rallying a miser, among other things, said, "I'll warrant +these buttons on your coat were your great-grandfather's." "Yes," +answered he, "and I have likewise got my great-grandfather's lands."</p> + + + +<h3>A CHRISTIAN PRECEPT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span> seeing old Bannister about to drink a glass of brandy, said, +"Don't drink that poisonous stuff! brandy is the worst enemy you have." +"I know that," answered Charles, "but we are commanded <i>to love our +enemies</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>VANITY HUMBLED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A consequential</span> Scotch laird riding on the footpath of the high road +between Edinburgh and Dalkeith, met a respectable farmer-looking man on +foot, whom he insolently ordered to get out of the way. The other +answered,</p> + +<p>"I am in the proper way, while you very improperly ride on the +footpath."</p> + +<p>"Do you know, Sir, to whom you are talking?"</p> + +<p>"Not I, indeed."</p> + +<p>"I am Mr. ——, of ——."</p> + +<p>"Very likely."</p> + +<p>"And I am one of the trustees for this road."</p> + +<p>"Then you are a very bad trustee, thus to misuse the foot-way, and +interrupt passengers."</p> + +<p>"You are an impudent scoundrel, and I have a great mind to have you laid +by the heels. What is your name, fellow?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Henry, Duke of Montague.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>A LESSON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A miser</span> having heard of another still more parsimonious than himself, +waited on him to gain instruction. He found him reading over a small +lamp, and having explained the cause of his visit, "If that be all," +said the other, "we may as well put out the lamp, we can converse full +as well in the dark." "I am satisfied," said the former, "that as an +economist I am much your inferior, and I shall not fail to profit by +this lesson."</p> + + + +<h3>A LEGISLATOR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish member, adverting to the great number of <i>suicides</i> that had +occurred, moved for leave to bring in a bill to make it a capital +offence!</p> + + + +<h3>DEAR WINE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Elwes</span>, who united the most rigid parsimony with the most gentlemanly +sentiments, received a present of some very <i>fine wine</i> from a wine +merchant, who knew that nothing could so win his heart as small gifts. +It had the effect to obtain from him the loan of several hundred pounds. +Mr. Elwes, who could never ask a gentleman for money, and who was a +perfect philosopher as to his losses, used jocularly to say, "It was +indeed very fine wine; for it cost him twenty pounds a bottle."</p> + + + +<h3>A GOOD HIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> being out a-shooting with Mr. Elwes, missed a dozen times +successively. At length, firing at a covey of partridges, he lodged two +pellets in Mr. Elwes's cheek, which gave him considerable pain; but on +the other apologizing, and expressing his sorrow for the unfortunate +accident, "My dear Sir," said the old man, "I give you joy of your +improvement; <i>I knew you would hit</i> something <i>by and by</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>SPENDING TIME.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">"What</span> makes you spend your time so freely, Jack?"</p> + +<p>"Because it's the only thing I have to spend."</p> + + + +<h3>THE LESSON PROFITED BY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> attorney traveling with his clerk to the circuit, the latter asked +his master what was the chief point in a lawsuit. He answered, "If you +will pay for a couple of fowls to our supper, I'll tell you." This being +agreed to, the master said, "The chief point was <i>good witnesses</i>." +Arrived at the inn, the attorney ordered the fowls, and when the bill +was brought in, told the clerk to pay for them according to agreement. +"O Sir," said he, "where are your <i>good witnesses</i>?"</p> + + + +<h3>BLACK WORK WELL PAID.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span> meeting a chimney sweeper, asked whence he came?</p> + +<p>"I have been sweeping your reverence's chimneys."</p> + +<p>"How many were there?"</p> + +<p>"Twenty, Sir."</p> + +<p>"Well, and how much do you get a chimney?"</p> + +<p>"Only a shilling a piece, Sir."</p> + +<p>"Why, I think a pound is pretty well for your morning's work."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir, <i>we black-coats</i> get our money easy enough."</p> + + + +<h3>PROOF OF IDENTITY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Richard II.</span>, on the Pope reclaiming, as a son of the church, a bishop +whom he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate's <i>coat of +mail</i>, and in the words of the Scripture asked him, "Know now whether +this be <i>thy son's coat</i> or not?"</p> + + + +<h3>NO LOSS FOR AN EXCUSE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin out of earthen +vessels, glazed and painted, within and without, with <i>dainty devices</i>. +A farmer in the principality, who had a curious quart mug, with an angel +painted on the bottom, on the inside, found that a neighbor who very +frequently visited him, and with the customary hospitality had the first +draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for the rest of +the party. This, our farmer three or four times remonstrated against, as +unfair; but was always answered, "Hur does so love to look at that +pretty angel, that hur always drinks till hur can see its face." The +farmer on this set aside his angel cup, and the next Shrewsbury fair, +bought one with the figure of the devil painted at the bottom. This +being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest, he made but one draught, +and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being asked his reason, as he +could not now wish to look at the angel, he replied, "No, but hur cannot +bear to leave that ugly devil a drop."</p> + + + +<h3>THE GENERAL CHALLENGED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">General Craig</span>, when in Dublin, called his servant to get ready his +horse, but Pat was missing, and when he did make his appearance, he was +<i>not perfectly sober</i>. The general asked where he had been? "I have +been, sir," answered he, "where you dare not show your face, and doing +what you dare not do, brave as you are." "Where, and what?" demanded the +general, sternly. "Why, I have been <i>at the whiskey shop, spending my +last sixpence</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A QUESTION ANSWERED.</h3> + + +<p>A <span class="smcap">SAILOR</span> on ship-board, having fallen from the mizen-top, but his fall +having been broken by the rigging, got up on the quarter deck, little +hurt. The lieutenant asked where he <i>came from</i>? "Plase your honor," +replied he, "I came from <i>the north of Ireland</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A COUNSELLOR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to +his late majesty, as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which +the king himself was determined should be given to another. The council, +however, resolved not to indulge the king, <i>for fear of a dangerous +precedent</i>. It was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of +the office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty, by +asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know +with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled +up? "<i>With the devil's!</i>" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And +shall the instrument," said the earl, coolly, "run as usual—<i>to our +trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>AN HIBERNIAN CAPTURE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">LIEUTENANT CONNOLLY</span>, an Irishman, in the service of the United States, +during the American war, having himself taken three Hessians prisoners, +and being asked by the general, how he took them, he answered, "<i>I +surrounded them.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>A BON BOUCHE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish counsellor, author of one of the numerous pamphlets which +emanated from the press on the subject of the union, meeting a brother +barrister, asked him if he had seen his publication. The other answered, +that he had, that very day, been dipping into part of it, and was +delighted with its contents. Quite elated, the author asked his friend +what part of the contents pleased him so much. "It was," answered the +other, "a <i>mince pie</i> which I got from the pastry cook's, wrapped up in +half a sheet of your work."</p> + + + +<h3>CAN'T BE WORSE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> plain man was acting the character of Mithridates, in a French +theatre, when Monima said to him, "My lord, you change countenance;" a +young fellow in the pit, cried, "For heaven's sake, let him."</p> + + + +<h3>VIRTUE CHEAP.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A stone</span> mason was employed to engrave the following epitaph on a +tradesman's wife: "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband." The +stone, however, being narrow, he contracted the sentence in the +following manner: "A virtuous woman is 5<i>s.</i> to her husband."</p> + + + +<h3>THOROUGH WORK.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A bricklayer</span> fell through the rafters of an unfinished house, and nearly +killed himself; a bystander declared that he ought to be employed, as he +went smartly through his work.</p> + + + +<h3>NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Brown</span> courted a lady for many years unsuccessfully; during which +time, he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever +he was called upon for a lady. But being observed, one evening, to omit +it, a gentleman reminded him that he had forgotten to toast his favorite +lady. "Why, indeed," said the doctor, "I find it all in vain; I have +toasted her so many years, and cannot make her Brown, that I am +determined to toast her no longer."</p> + + + +<h3>FITNESS OF THINGS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish sergeant, on a march, being attacked by a dog, pierced the +animal with his halbert. On the complaint of the owner, the superior +officer said to the offender, "Murphy, you were wrong in this. You +should have struck the dog with the butt end of your halbert, and not +with your blade." "Plaise your honor," says Murphy, "and I would have +been glad for to save myself the trouble of claining my iron, if he had +only been so kind as to bite me with his tail, instead of his teeth."</p> + + + +<h3>LETTING ON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lawyer</span>, in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, +took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused +with tears. This had a great effect, till the opposite lawyer asked what +made him cry? "He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The whole +court was convulsed with laughter.</p> + + + +<h3>AN INFALLIBLE RECEIPT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> Louis XIV. was, one severe frosty day, traveling from Versailles to +Paris, he met a young man, very lightly clothed, tripping along in as +much apparent comfort as if it had been in the midst of summer. He +called him,—"How is it," said the king, "that, dressed as you are, you +seem to feel no inconvenience from the cold, while, notwithstanding my +warm apparel, I cannot keep from shivering?" "Sire," replied the +pedestrian, "if your majesty will follow my example, I engage that you +will be the warmest monarch of Europe." "How so?" asked the king. "Your +majesty need only, like me, <i>carry all your wardrobe on your back</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>AN APT SCHOLAR.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">George</span>, what does C A T spell?"</p> + +<p>"Don't know, Sir."</p> + +<p>"What does your mother keep to catch mice?"</p> + +<p>"Trap, Sir."</p> + +<p>"No, no, what animal is very fond of milk?"</p> + +<p>"A baby, Sir."</p> + +<p>"You dunce, what was it scratched your sister's face?"</p> + +<p>"My nails, Sir."</p> + +<p>"I am out of all patience! There, do you see that animal on the fence?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir."</p> + +<p>"Do you know its name?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Sir."</p> + +<p>"Then tell me what C A T spells."</p> + +<p>"Kitten, Sir."</p> + + + +<h3>PROPENSITIES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> American General Lee, being one day at dinner where there were some +Scotch officers, took occasion to say, that when he had got a glass too +much, he had an unfortunate propensity to abuse the Scotch, and +therefore should such a thing happen, he hoped they would excuse him. +"By all means," said one of the Caledonians, "we have all our failings, +especially when in liquor. I have myself, when inebriated, a very +disagreeable propensity, if I hear any person abusing my country, to +take the first thing I can lay hold of, and knock that man down. I hope +therefore the company will excuse me if anything of the kind should +happen." General Lee did not that afternoon indulge his propensity.</p> + + + +<h3>UNCONSCIONABLE EXPECTATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A culprit</span> having been adjudged, on a conviction of perjury, to lose his +ears, when the executioner came to put the sentence in force, he was +rather disappointed at finding the fellow had been cropped before. The +criminal with great <i>sang froid</i> exclaimed, "What! do you think I am +always obliged to find you ears?"</p> + + + +<h3>A CASE OF ALARM.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gentleman, hearing that his widowed mother was married again, +said, in great perturbation, "I hope she won't have a son <i>older than +me</i>, to cut me out of the estate!"</p> + + + +<h3>INDIAN FINESSE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley saw a stout +Indian idling in the market-place of Boston, and asked him why he did +not work? He said he had nobody to employ him, but added, "Why don't you +work, massa?" "Oh!" says the Governor, "my head works; but come, if you +are good for any thing I will give you employment." He accordingly took +him into his service, but soon found him to be an idle and thievish +vagabond. For some tricks one day, his Excellency found it necessary to +order him a whipping, which he did by a letter he desired him to carry, +addressed to the provost marshal. Jack's guilty conscience made him +suspect the contents, and meeting another Indian, he gave him a glass of +rum to carry it for him. The poor devil willingly undertook to deliver +it, and the marshal, as directed, caused the bearer to receive a hearty +flogging. When this reached the Governor's ears, he asked Mr. Jack how +he dared do such a thing. "Ah! massa," said he, "<i>head work</i>!"</p> + + + +<h3>ECONOMICAL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Partington</span> says that she did not marry her second husband because +she loved the male sex, but just because he was the size of her first +protector, and would come so good to wear his old clothes out.</p> + + + +<h3>GOOD TOAST.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a dinner in Springfield, Mass., recently, a lady sent the following +volunteer toast:—"<i>Spruce</i> old bachelors—the <i>ever greens</i> of +society."</p> + + + +<h3>NEW CAUSE OF IMPRISONMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A counsel</span> having been retained to oppose a person justifying bail in the +Court of King's Bench, after asking some common-place questions, was +getting rather aground, when a waggish brother, sitting behind, +whispered him to interrogate the bail as to his having been a prisoner +in Gloucester gaol. Thus instructed, our learned advocate boldly asked, +"When, Sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The bail, a reputable +tradesman, with astonishment declared that he never was in a gaol in his +life. The counsel persisted; but not being able to get any thing more +out of him, turned round and asked his friendly brother, for what the +man had been imprisoned? The answer was, "<i>For suicide</i>." Without +hesitation, he then questioned him thus: "Now, Sir, I ask you on your +oath, and remember I shall have your words taken down, were you not +<i>imprisoned</i> in Gloucester gaol <i>for the crime of suicide</i>?"</p> + + + +<h3>THE BISHOP ANSWERED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> ignorant rector had occasion to wait on a bishop, who was so incensed +at his stupidity that he exclaimed, "What <i>blockhead</i> gave you a +living?" The rector respectfully bowing, answered, "Your lordship."</p> + + + +<h3>SIMPLICITY <i>vs.</i> WIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson +peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of +wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr. +<i>Wiseacre</i>!"</p> + + + +<h3>AN ELIGIBLE CORPS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Bensley</span>, before he went on the stage, was a captain in the army. One +day he met a Scotch officer who had been in the same regiment. The +latter was happy to meet his old messmate, but was ashamed to be seen +with a player. He therefore hurried Bensley to an unfrequented +coffee-house, where he asked him very seriously, "Hoo could ye disgrace +the corps by turning a play-actor?" Mr. Bensley answered, that he by no +means considered it in that light; on the contrary, that a respectable +performer of good conduct was much esteemed, and kept the best company. +"And what, man," said the other, "do you get by this business of yours?" +"I have," replied Mr. B., "at present an income of near a thousand a +year." "A thousand a year!" exclaimed Saunders, astonished, "<i>hae ye ony +vacancies in your corps?</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>AN INVITATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A little</span> girl, who was at dinner among a large party, fearing she had +been forgotten to be helped, crumbled some bread upon her plate, saying +at the same time to a boiled chicken near her, "<i>Come biddy, come!</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>AN ARCH QUESTION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Dominico</span>, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, which was +served in gold, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, of +whom he was a favourite, said, "Give that dish to Dominico." "<i>And the +partridges too, Sire?</i>" said the actor. The king repeated, smiling, "And +the partridges too."</p> + + + +<h3>IF THE CAP FITS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following advertisement was some years ago posted up at North +Shields:</p> + +<p>"Whereas several idle and disorderly persons have lately made a practice +of riding on an ass belonging to Mr. ——, the head of the Ropery +stairs; now, lest any accident should happen, he takes this method of +informing the public, that he has determined <i>to shoot his said ass</i>, +and cautions any person who may be riding on it at the time, to take +care of himself, lest by some unfortunate mistake he should shoot the +<i>wrong one</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A PRIVILEGED PLACE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A beau</span> highwayman and a miserable chimney sweeper were to be hanged +together at Newgate for their respective deserts. When the ordinary was +exhorting them, previously to the execution, the latter brushed rather +rudely against the former, to hear what the parson was saying. "You +black rascal!" said the highwayman, "what do you mean by pressing on me +so?" Poor sweep, whimpering, said, "<i>I am sure I have as good a right +here as you have.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>ADVANTAGE OF SPECTACLES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Franklin</span> always wore spectacles. One day, on Ludgate hill, a porter +passing him was nearly pushed off the pavement by an unintentional +motion of the doctor. The fellow, with characteristic insolence, +exclaimed, "Damn your spectacles!" Franklin, smiling, observed, "It is +not the first time they have <i>saved my eyes</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A RARE BIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following extract from the inimitable "Autocrat of the Breakfast +Table," is a fair specimen of the author's genius for humor:</p> + +<p>Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers, +under the title, "From our Foreign Correspondent," does any harm?—Why, +no,—I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceive +people any more than the "Arabian Nights," or "Gulliver's Travels" do. +Sometimes the writers compile <i>too</i> carelessly, though, and mix up facts +out of geographies, and stories out of the penny papers, so as to +mislead those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of one +of the papers, the other day, which contains a number of +improbabilities, and, I suspect, misstatements. I will send up and get +it for you, if you would like to hear it.——Ah, this is it; it is +headed</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Our Sumatra Correspondence</span>."</p> + +<p>"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,—having been +won, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ——Stamford, during the +stock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of this +gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions +(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries.' +This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a +large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for +their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm +weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. The +summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but +this fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason, +the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northern +regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter.</p> + +<p>"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper tree +and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a +benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for +supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that +delightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D. P.] It is said, +however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called <i>natives</i> in +England, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, +refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of +the vessel in which they were brought over. This information was +received from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and +exceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skillful in +the <i>cuisine</i> peculiar to the island.</p> + +<p>"During the season of gathering the pepper, the persons employed are +subject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and +long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of these +attacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven +backwards for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known +principle of the æolipile. Not being able to see where they are going, +these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or are +precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost +annually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed wholly on this +stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury is +resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the +<i>pepper-fever</i>, as is called, cudgeled another most severely for +appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only +pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species +of swine called the <i>Peccavi</i> by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well +known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mahometan +Buddhists.</p> + +<p>"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe +and America under the familiar name of <i>maccaroni</i>. The smaller twigs +are called <i>vermicelli</i>. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be +observed in the soups containing them. Maccaroni, being tubular, is the +favourite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered +peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island, +therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being +accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be +thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the +maccaroni arrives among us. It therefore always contains many of these +insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that +accidents from this source are comparitavely rare.</p> + +<p>"The fruit of the bread-tree consists principally of hot rolls. The +buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with the cocoa-nut +palm, the cream found on the milk of the cocoa-nut exuding from the +hybrid in the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so +as to fit it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with +cold"—</p> + +<p>—There,—I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of +these statements are highly improbable.—No, I shall not mention the +paper.—No, neither of them wrote it, though it reminds me of the style +of these popular writers. I think the fellow who wrote it must have been +reading some of their stories, and got them mixed up with his history +and geography. I don't suppose <i>he</i> lies;—he sells it to the editor, +who knows how many squares off "Sumatra" is. The editor, who sells it to +the public——By the way, the papers have been very civil——haven't +they?—to the—the—what d'ye call it?—"Northern Magazine,"—isn't +it?—got up by some of those Come-outers, down East, as an organ for +their local peculiarities.</p> + + + +<h3>SHAKSPEARE QUOTED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A vile</span> scraper making a discordant sound with his violin, a friend +observed, "If your instrument could speak, it would address you in the +words of Hamlet: "<i>Though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>CAUTION TO GAMESTERS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A German</span> baron at a gaming house, being detected in an <i>odd trick</i>, one +of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On +this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him never to play <i>so +high again</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>AT THE BAR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A criminal</span> being asked, in the usual form, what he had to say why +judgment of death should not be passed against him, answered, "Why, I +think there has been quite enough said about it already—if you please +we'll drop the subject."</p> + + + +<h3>HOCK.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A pedantic</span> fellow called for a bottle of hock at a tavern, which the +waiter, not hearing distinctly, asked him to repeat. "A bottle of +hock—hic, hæc, hoc," replied the visitor. After sitting, however, a +long time, and no wine appearing, he ventured to ring again, and enquire +into the cause of delay. "Did I not order some hock, sir? Why is it not +brought in?" "Because," answered the waiter, who had been taught Latin +grammar, "you afterwards <i>declined</i> it."</p> + + + +<h3>DORIC WIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> asking another, while viewing the front of Covent-garden +theatre, of what order the pillars at the entrance were, received the +answer, "Why, sir, I am not very conversant in the orders of +architecture; but from their being at the entrance of the house, I take +it for granted, it must be the Dor-ic."</p> + + + +<h3>FAMILY LIKENESS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Yankee</span>, speaking of his children, said he had seven sons, none of whom +looked alike but Jonathan, and Jonathan did look just alike.</p> + + + +<h3>ACTUAL EXPERIMENT.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">La</span> me! good old neighbor," cried Mrs. Popps, "what are you going to do +with that great ugly crow?" "Why, you see, we hear as how they live a +hundred years, so husband and I got one to try."</p> + + + +<h3>A TREMENDOUS THREAT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> being convicted of bigamy, at the Wexford assizes, the judge, in +pronouncing sentence, thus addressed the prisoner: "Yours is a most +atrocious case, and I am sorry that the greatest punishment which the +law allows me to inflict, is, that you be transported to parts beyond +the seas, for seven years; but if I had my will, you should not escape +thus easily; I would sentence you to <i>reside in the same house with both +your wives, for the term of your natural life</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>INQUISITIVE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A smart</span> old Yankee lady, being called into court as a witness, grew +impatient at the questions put to her, and told the judge she would quit +the stand, for he was "raly one of the most inquisitive old gentlemen +she ever see."</p> + + + +<h3>GRAFTING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, being so unfortunate as to have her husband hang himself on an +apple tree, the wife of a neighbor immediately came to beg a branch of +the tree for grafting. "For who knows," said she, "but it may bear the +same kind of fruit?"</p> + + + +<h3>IN ORDERS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> squire introduced his baboon, in clerical habits, to say +grace. A clergyman, who was present, immediately left the table, and +asked ten thousand pardons for not remembering, that his lordship's +nearest relation was in orders.</p> + + + +<h3>NO STRANGER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A humorous</span> divine, visiting a gentleman whose wife none of the most +amiable, overheard his friend say, "If it were not for the stranger in +the next room, I would kick you out of doors." Upon which, the clergyman +stepped in, and said, "Pray, sir, make no stranger of me."</p> + + + +<h3>BOTH ONE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> honest clergyman, in the country, was reproving a married couple for +their frequent dissensions, seeing they were both one. "Both one!" cried +the husband; "were you to come by our door sometimes, when we quarrel, +you would swear we were twenty."</p> + + + +<h3>PRESS AND SQUEEZE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Frenchman</span> having frequently heard the word <i>press</i> made use of to +imply <i>persuade</i>, as, "press that gentleman to take some refreshment," +"press him to stay to-night," thought he would show his talents, by +using a synonymous term; and therefore made no scruple, one evening, to +cry out in company, "Pray <i>squeeze</i> that lady to sing."</p> + + + +<h3>TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> gentleman, not well skilled in orthography, requested his +friend to send him <i>too</i> monkeys. The <i>t</i> not being distinctly written, +his friend concluded his <i>too</i> was intended for 100. With difficulty, he +procured fifty, which he sent; adding, "The other fifty, agreeable to +your order, will be forwarded as soon as possible."</p> + + + +<h3>LONG NOSE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> having put out a candle, by accident, one night, ordered his +waiting-man, who was a simple being, to light it again in the kitchen. +"But take care, John," added he, "that you do not hit yourself against +anything, in the dark." Mindful of the caution, John stretched out both +his arms at full length, before him; but unluckily, a door, which stood +half open, passed between his hands, and struck him a woful blow upon +the nose. "Dickens!" muttered he, when he recovered his senses a little, +"I always heard that I had a plaguey long nose, but I vow I never have +thought, before, that it was longer than my arm."</p> + + + +<h3>RIDING DOUBLE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish sailor, as he was riding, made a pause; the horse, in beating +off the flies, caught his hind foot in the stirrup. The sailor observing +it, exclaimed, "How now, Dobbin, if you are going to get on, I will get +off; for, by the powers, I will not ride double with you."</p> + + + +<h3>BEGIN RIGHT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, +waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, +desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons. The +flute-player informed him that he generally charged two guineas for the +first month, and one guinea for the second. "Then, by my sowl," replied +the cunning Hibernian, "I'll come the second month."</p> + + + +<h3>INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHŒNIX.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Thomas Hunt had arrived, she lay at the wharf at New Town, and a +rumor had reached our ears that "the Judge" was on board. Public anxiety +had been excited to the highest pitch to witness the result of the +meeting between us. It had been stated publicly that "the Judge" would +whip us the moment he arrived; but though we thought a conflict +probable, we had never been very sanguine as to its terminating in this +manner. Coolly we gazed from the window of the Office upon the New Town +road; we descried a cloud of dust in the distance; high above it waved a +whip lash, and we said, "'The Judge' cometh, and 'his driving is like +that of Jehu the son of Nimshi, for he driveth furiously.'"</p> + +<p>Calmly we seated ourselves in the "<i>arm chair</i>," and continued our +labors upon our magnificent Pictorial. Anon, a step, a heavy step, was +heard upon the stairs, and "the Judge" stood before us.</p> + +<p>"In shape and gesture proudly eminent, he stood like a tower: ... but +his face deep scars of thunder had intrenched, and care sat on his faded +cheek; but under brows of dauntless courage and pride, waiting revenge."</p> + +<p>"We rose, and with an unfaltering voice said: "Well, Judge, how do you +do?" He made no reply but commenced taking off his coat.</p> + +<p>We removed ours, also our cravat.</p> + +<p class="dots">* * * * * * *</p> + +<p>The sixth and last round, is described by the pressman and compositors, +as having been fearfully scientific. We held "the Judge" down over the +Press by our nose (which we had inserted between his teeth for that +purpose), and while our hair was employed in holding one of his hands +we held the other in our left, and with the "sheep's foot" brandished +above our head, shouted to him, "Say Waldo," "Never!" he gasped—</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"O my Bigler!" he would have muttered,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">But that he "dried up," ere the word was uttered.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>At this moment we discovered that we had been laboring under a +"misunderstanding," and through the amicable intervention of the +pressman, who thrust a roller between our faces (which gave the whole +affair a very different complexion), the <i>matter</i> was finally settled on +the most friendly terms—"and without prejudice to the honor of either +party." We write this while sitting without any clothing, except our +left stocking, and the rim of our hat encircling our neck like a "ruff" +of the Elizabethan era—that article of dress having been knocked over +our head at an early stage of the proceedings, and the crown +subsequently torn off, while "the Judge" is sopping his eye with cold +water, in the next room, a small boy standing beside the sufferer with a +basin, and glancing with interest over the advertisements on the second +page of the San Diego Herald, a fair copy of which was struck off upon +the back of his shirt, at the time we held him over the Press. Thus ends +our description of this long anticipated personal collision, of which +the public can believe precisely as much as they please; if they +disbelieve the whole of it, we shall not be at all offended, but can +simply quote as much to the point, what might have been the commencement +of our epitaph, had we fallen in the conflict,</p> + +<p><span style="margin-left: 33%;">"<span class="smcap">Here Lies Phœnix.</span>"</span></p> +<p class="r"><i>Phœnixiana.</i></p> + + + +<h3>INCREDULITY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> telling a very improbable story, and observing one of the +company cast a doubtful eye, "Zounds, Sir," says he, "<i>I saw the thing +happen.</i>" "If you did," says the other, "I <i>must</i> believe it; but I +would not have believed it if I had seen it myself."</p> + + + +<h3>A SECOND METHUSELAH.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A statuary</span> was directed to inscribe on a monument the age of the +deceased, namely 81. The person who gave the order recollecting, +however, that it should have been 82, desired the sculptor to add one +year more; and the veteran to whose memory this stone was erected, is +recorded as having "departed this life at the advanced age of 811!"</p> + + + +<h3>A SCHOOL TEACHER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> from Swampville, State of New York, was telling how many +different occupations he had attempted. Among others he had tried school +teaching. "How long did you teach?" asked a by-stander.</p> + +<p>"Wal, I didn't teach long; that is, I only <i>went</i> to teach."</p> + +<p>"Did you hire out?"</p> + +<p>"Wal, I didn't hire out; I only <i>went</i> to hire out."</p> + +<p>"Why did you give it up?"</p> + +<p>"Wal, I gave it up—for some reason or nuther. You see, I traveled into +a deestrict and inquired for the trustees. Somebody said Mr. Snickles +was the man I wanted to see. So I found Mr. Snickles,—named my +objic—interduced myself—and asked him what he thought about lettin' +me try my luck with the big boys and unruly gals of the deestrict. He +wanted to know if I really thought myself capable; and I told him I +wouldn't mind him asken me a few easy questions in 'rithmetic, jography, +or showin' my handwritin'. But he said, No, never mind, he could tell a +good teacher by his <i>gait</i>. 'Let me see you walk off a little ways,' +says he, 'and I can tell jis's well's I'd heared you examined,' says he.</p> + +<p>"He sot in the door as he spoke, and I thought, he looked a little +skittish; but I was consider'bly frustrated, and didn't mind much; so I +turned about and walked off as smart as I know'd how. He said he would +tell me when to stop, so I kep' on 'till I tho't I'd gone far 'nough; I +then 'spected suthin' was to pay, and looked round. <i>The door was shet, +and Snickles was gone!</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>POSTHUMOUS HONOR.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Sancho</span>," said a dying planter to his faithful slave, "for your services +I shall leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our family +vault." "Ah, Massa!" replied Sancho, "me rather have de money or de +freedom. Besides, if the devil come in the dark to look for massa, he +make the mistake, and carry away poor negro man."</p> + + + +<h3>THE ANTIGALLICAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Frenchman</span> in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was +brought him in a glass. He said it was the <i>French</i> custom to bring wine +in a <i>measure</i>. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no <i>French +measures</i> here."</p> + + + +<h3>SWEET DEFINITION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A sprightly</span> school girl who attends the "Central High," where the +teachers have a way of inciting the pupils to understand what they say +in the classes, was reading the "Last of the Huggermuggers;" and stirred +by the spirit of inquiry, stimulated by her teachers, if not by natural +feminine curiosity, asked a boy cousin of hers, the meaning of +huggermugger. John looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said—"I'll +show you;" and before the incipient woman had time to make any further +remark, John had his arm around her waist, and subjected it to a gentle +pressure—"That's hugger; and this," putting his lips to hers in +affectionate collision, "is <i>mug ger</i>!" "Yes," said the not more than +half displeased Sarah Ann, "and this is the <i>last</i> of the huggermuggers, +for if you ever attempt to give me another such definition, I'll box +your ears. I've a great mind to tell Mr. Hall, as I go to school, what +sort of dictionary you are carrying about you all the time."—<i>Boston +Transcript.</i></p> + + + +<h3>COULDN'T AFFORD IT.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I don't</span> care much about the bugs," said Mr. Wormly to the head of a +genteel private boarding house, "but the fact is, Madam, I havn't the +blood to spare—you see that yourself."</p> + + + +<h3>PULL DEVIL—PULL BAKER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A question</span> for the Spike Society. "Would the devil beat his wife if he +had one?" "Guess not—for the women generally beat the devil."</p> + + + +<h3>PROVOKING.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Hallo</span>, boy, did you see a rabbit cross the road there just now?"</p> + +<p>"A rabbit?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, be quick! a rabbit."</p> + +<p>"Was it a kinder gray varmint?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes!"</p> + +<p>"A longish critter, with a short tail?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, be quick or he'll gain his burrow."</p> + +<p>"Had it long legs behind, and big ears?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes!"</p> + +<p>"And sorter jumps when it runs?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I tell you; jumps when it runs!"</p> + +<p>"Well, I hain't seen such a critter about here."</p> + + + +<h3>WHEN PRESIDENTS DINE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> Davy Crocket's return to his constituents after his first session in +Congress, a nation of them surrounded him one day, and began to +interrogate him about Washington.</p> + +<p>"What time do they dine in Washington, Colonel?"</p> + +<p>"Why," said he, "common people, such as you are, get their dinners about +one o'clock, but the gentry and big bugs dine at three. As for +representatives we dine at four, and the aristocracy and the Senators +don't get theirs till five."</p> + +<p>"Well, when does the President fodder?" asked another.</p> + +<p>"Old Hickory!" exclaimed the Colonel, attempting to appoint a time +appropriate to the dignity of the station. "Old Hickory! well he don't +dine until the next day!"</p> + + + +<h3>COOK'S STRIKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A few</span> weeks ago a wealthy family in Philadelphia, having hired a cook +who had been highly recommended to them, she was ordered one day to +prepare among other things, a hash for dinner. The hash came and was +charming—all eagerly partaking of it until the dish was scraped out. So +popular after this did the hash of the new cook become, that it was +nothing but hash every day. At last the poor cook, bringing in a large +dish of it, the perspiration pouring down her face, which was red as a +coal of fire, she set it down, and turned to her mistress and drawing +herself up said:</p> + +<p>"Madam, I strikes!"</p> + +<p>"Strikes! why, what is the matter, Betty?"</p> + +<p>"Cause, ma'am, I can't give you hash every day and forever—<i>me jaws is +all broke down, and me teeth is all wore out, chawing it up for ye's!</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>BAD STATE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A schoolmaster</span> in a neighboring town, wishing to discover the talents of +his scholars for geography, asked one of the youngest of them, what +State he lived in? To which the boy replied, "A state of sin and +misery."</p> + + + +<h3>PRESENCE OF MIND.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A poor</span> fellow, in Scotland, creeping through the hedge of an orchard, +with an intention to rob it, was seen by the owner, who called out to +him, "Sawney, hoot, hoot, man, where are you ganging?" "Back agen," says +Sawney.</p> + + + +<h3>EXTRAVAGANCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish "gintleman" had occasion to visit the South some time since. +When he returned, he remarked to a friend that the Southern people were +very extravagant. Upon being asked why so, he remarked, that where he +stayed they had a <i>candlestick</i> worth eleven hundred dollars.</p> + +<p>"Why, how in the world could it cost that much?" inquired a friend.</p> + +<p>"Och, be gorry, it was nuthin' mor'n a big nager fellow holdin a torch +for us to eat by."</p> + + + +<h3>SOMEWHERE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to +a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I +think, Sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely you may," replied +the gentleman, with equal sang froid, "as I have been there very often."</p> + + + +<h3>GOOD SHOT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span>, who lived in London, visited a lady who resided in Chelsea. +After continuing his visits for some time, the lady expressed an +apprehension that it might be inconvenient for him to come so far on her +account. "Oh! by no means," replied the doctor; "I have another patient +in the neighborhood, and I always set out hoping to kill two birds with +one stone."</p> + + + +<h3>ORIENTAL WIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man, going on a journey, intrusted a hundred deenars to an old +man. When he came back, the old man denied having had any money +deposited with him, and he was had up before the Khazee. "Where were +you, young man, when you delivered this money?" "Under a tree." "Take my +seal and summon that tree," said the judge. "Go, young man, and tell the +tree to come hither, and the tree will obey you when you show it my +seal." The young man went in wonder. After he had been gone some time, +the Khazee said to the old man, "He is long—do you think he has got +there yet?" "No," said the old man; "it is at some distance; he has not +got there yet." "How knowest thou, old man," cried the Khazee, "where +that tree is?" The young man returned and said the tree would not come. +"He has been here, young man, and given his evidence—the money is +thine."</p> + + + +<h3>BAD LIGHTS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gentleman, in company, observing that the lights were so dim as +only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, "Here, waiter, +let me have a couple of dacent candles, that I may see how those others +burn."</p> + + + +<h3>PAIR OF SPECTACLES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> brothers having been sentenced to death, one was executed first. +"See," the other brother said, "what a lamentable spectacle my brother +makes! in a few minutes I shall be turned off; and then you will see a +pair of spectacles."</p> + + + +<h3>SMART GIRL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> girl, riding by a turnpike-road without paying toll, the +gate-keeper hailed her and demanded his fee. On her demanding his +authority, he referred her to his sign, where she read, "A man and +horse, six cents." "Well," says she, "you can demand nothing of me, as +this is but a woman and a mare."</p> + + + +<h3>CROOKED STICK.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> a number of persons were lately relating to each other the various +extraordinary incidents which had fallen within their observation, a +traveler attracted their attention by the following: "As I was passing +through a forest, I heard a rustling noise in the bushes near the road: +and being impelled by curiosity, I was determined to know what it was. +When I arrived at the spot, I found it was occasioned by a large stick +of wood, which was so very crooked that it would not lie still."</p> + + + +<h3>A CLINCHER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Grace Greenwood</span>, in speaking of a certain and too fashionable kind of +parental government, in her lecture at Cleveland, a few evenings since, +told this refreshing little story: A gentleman told his little boy, a +child of four years, to shut the gate. He made the request three times, +and the youngster paid no sort of attention to it. "I have told you +three times, my son, to shut the gate," said the gentleman sorrowfully. +"And I've told you <i>free</i> times," lisped the child, "that I won't do it. +You must be stupid."</p> + + + +<h3>A MISCONCEPTION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A barber</span> having a dispute with a parish clerk on a point of grammar, the +latter said it was a downright <i>barbarism, indeed</i>. "What!" exclaimed +the other, "do you mean to insult me? <i>Barberism, indeed!</i> I'd have you +to know that a barber can speak as good grammar as a parish clerk any +day in the week."</p> + + + +<h3>SQUIBOB'S ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS.</h3> + +<p class="c sml">FROM PHŒNIXIANA.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following recipe from the writings of Miss Hannah More, may be found +useful to your readers:</p> + +<p>In a climate where the attacks of fleas are a constant source of +annoyance, any method which will alleviate them becomes a <i>desideratum</i>. +It is, therefore, with pleasure I make known the following recipe, which +I am assured has been tried with efficacy.</p> + +<p>Boil a quart of tar until it becomes quite thin. Remove the clothing, +and before the tar becomes perfectly cool, with a broad flat brush, +apply a thin, smooth coating to the entire surface of the body and +limbs. While the tar remains soft, the flea becomes entangled in its +tenacious folds, and is rendered perfectly harmless; but it will soon +form a hard, smooth coating, entirely impervious to his bite. Should the +coating crack at the knee or elbow joints, it is merely necessary to +retouch it slightly at those places. The whole coat should be renewed +every three or four weeks. This remedy is sure, and having the advantage +of simplicity and economy, should be generally known.</p> + +<p>So much for Miss More. A still simpler method of preventing the attacks +of these little pests, is one which I have lately discovered myself;—in +theory only—I have not yet put it into practice. On feeling the bite of +the flea, thrust the part bitten immediately into boiling water. The +heat of the water destroys the insect and instantly removes the pain of +the bite.</p> + +<p>You have probably heard of old Parry Dox. I met him here a few days +since, in a sadly seedy condition. He told me that he was still +extravagantly fond of whiskey, though he was constantly "running it +down." I inquired after his wife. "She is dead, poor creature," said he, +"and is probably far better off than ever she was here. She was a +seamstress, and her greatest enjoyment of happiness in this world was +only so, so."</p> + + + +<h3>THE OBSEQUIOUS CARPENTER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A carpenter</span> having neglected to make a gibbet ordered, on the ground of +his not having been paid for a former one, was severely rated by the +sheriff. "Fellow," said he, "how dared you neglect making the gibbet +that was ordered for me?" "I humbly beg your pardon," said the +carpenter, "had I known that it was <i>for your worship</i>, I should have +left everything else to do it."</p> + + + +<h3>A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> who strove by the application of washes, paint, &c., to improve +her countenance, had her vanity not a little flattered by a gentleman +saying, "Madam, every time I look at your face I discover some <i>new +beauty</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A REPROOF.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> fellow in a coffee house venting a parcel of common place abuse +on the clergy, in the presence of Mr. Sterne, and evidently leveled at +him, Laurence introduced a panegyric on his dog, which he observed had +no fault but one, namely, that whenever he saw a parson he fell a +barking at him. "And how long," said the youth, "has he had this trick?" +"Ever since he was a <i>puppy</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A GOOD TURN.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I understand</span>, Jones, that you can turn anything neater than any other +man in town."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Mr. Smith, I said so."</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Jones, I don't like to brag, but there is no man on earth +that can turn a thing as well as I can whittle it, Mr. Jones. Jest name +the article that I can't whittle, that you can turn, and I'll give you a +dollar if I don't do it to the satisfaction of those gentlemen present."</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Smith, suppose we take two grindstones, just for a trial, you +may whittle and I'll turn."</p> + + + +<h3>A DISTINCTION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Shuter</span>, one day meeting a friend with his coat patched at the elbow, +observed, he should be ashamed of it. "How so?" said the other, "it is +not the first time I have seen you <i>out at the elbows</i>." "Very true," +replied Ned, "I should think nothing of exhibiting twenty holes; a hole +is the <i>accident of the day</i>; but a patch is <i>premeditated poverty</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>CONSOLATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a party of young fellows, the conversation turned on their learning +and education, and one of the company having delivered his thoughts on +the subject very respectably, his neighbor, neither extremely wise nor +witty, said, "Well, Jack, you are certainly not the greatest fool +living." "No," answered he, "nor shall I be while you live."</p> + + + +<h3>RESULT OF KISSING THE BUTCHER.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">My Dear</span>," said an affectionate wife, "what shall we have for dinner +to-day?"</p> + +<p>"One of your smiles," replied the husband. "I can dine on that every +day."</p> + +<p>"But I can't," replied the wife.</p> + +<p>"Then take this," and he gave her a kiss and went to his business.</p> + +<p>He returned to dinner.</p> + +<p>"This is excellent steak," said he, "what did you pay for it?"</p> + +<p>"Why, what you gave me this morning, to be sure," replied the wife.</p> + +<p>"You did!" exclaimed he; "then you shall have the money next time you go +to market."</p> + + + +<h3>NOT YOU BUT I.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A tradesman</span> pressing one of his customers for payment of a bill, the +latter said, "You need not be in such a hurry; I am not going to run +away." "But," says the creditor, "<i>I am.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>MY BROTHER'S HUNTING-LODGE.</h3> + +<p class="c sml">FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">I met</span> with a ludicrous instance of the dissipation of even latter days, +a few months after my marriage. Lady B—— and myself took a tour +through some of the southern parts of Ireland, and among other places +visited Castle Durrow, near which place my brother, Henry French +Barrington, had built a hunting-cottage, wherein he happened to have +given a house-warming the previous day.</p> + +<p>The company, as might be expected at such a place and on such an +occasion, was not the most select; in fact, they were "<i>hard-going</i>" +sportsmen.</p> + +<p>Among the rest, Mr. Joseph Kelly, of unfortunate fate, brother to Mr. +Michael Kelly (who by-the-by does not say a word about him in his +Reminiscences), had been invited, to add to the merriment by his +pleasantry and voice, and had come down from Dublin for the purpose.</p> + +<p>Of this convivial assemblage at my brother's, he was, I suppose, the +very life and soul. The dining-room had not been finished when the day +of the dinner-party arrived, and the lower parts of the walls having +only that morning received their last coat of plaster, were, of course, +totally wet.</p> + +<p>We had intended to surprise my brother; but had not calculated on the +scene I was to witness. On driving to the cottage-door I found it open, +while a dozen dogs, of different descriptions, showed ready to receive +us not in the most polite manner. My servant's whip, however, soon sent +them about their business, and I ventured into the parlor to see what +cheer. It was about ten in the morning: the room was strewed with empty +bottles—some broken—some interspersed with glasses, plates, dishes, +knives, spoons, &c., all in glorious confusion. Here and there were +heaps of bones, relics of the former day's entertainment, which the +dogs, seizing their opportunity, had picked. Three or four of the +Bacchanalians lay fast asleep upon chairs—one or two others on the +floor, among whom a piper lay on his back, apparently dead, with a +table-cloth spread over him, and surrounded by four or five candles, +burnt to the sockets; his chanter and bags were laid scientifically +across his body, his mouth was wide open, and his nose made ample amends +for the silence of his drone. Joe Kelly and a Mr. Peter Alley were fast +asleep in their chairs, close to the wall.</p> + +<p>Had I never viewed such a scene before, it would have almost terrified +me; but it was nothing more than the ordinary custom which we called +<i>waking the piper</i>, when he had got too drunk to make any more music.</p> + +<p>I went out, and sent away my carriage and its inmate to Castle Durrow, +whence we had come, and afterward proceeded to seek my brother. No +servant was to be seen, man or woman. I went to the stables, wherein I +found three or four more of the goodly company, who had just been able +to reach their horses, but were seized by Morpheus before they could +mount them, and so lay in the mangers awaiting a more favourable +opportunity. Returning hence to the cottage, I found my brother, also +asleep, on the only bed which it then afforded: he had no occasion to +put on his clothes, since he had never taken them off.</p> + +<p>I next waked Dan Tyron, a wood-ranger of Lord Ashbrook, who had acted as +maitre d'hôtel in making the arrangements, and providing a horse-load +of game to fill up the banquet. I then inspected the parlor, and +insisted on breakfast. Dan Tyron set to work: an old woman was called in +from an adjoining cabin, the windows were opened, the room cleared, the +floor swept, the relics removed, and the fire lighted in the kitchen. +The piper was taken away senseless, but my brother would not suffer +either Joe or Alley to be disturbed till breakfast was ready. No time +was lost; and, after a very brief interval, we had before us abundance +of fine eggs, and milk fresh from the cow, with brandy, sugar, and +nutmeg, in plenty; a large loaf, fresh butter, a cold round of beef, +which had not been produced on the previous day, red herrings, and a +bowl dish of potatoes roasted on the turf ashes; in addition to which, +ale, whiskey, and port, made up the refreshments. All being duly in +order, we at length awakened Joe Kelly, and Peter Alley, his neighbor: +they had slept soundly, though with no other pillow than the wall; and +my brother announced breakfast with a <i>view holloa</i>!</p> + +<p>The twain immediately started, and roared in unison with their host most +tremendously! It was, however, in a very different tone from the <i>view +holloa</i>, and perpetuated much longer.</p> + +<p>"Come, boys," says French, giving Joe a pull, "come!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, murder!" says Joe, "I can't!"—"Murder!—murder!" echoed Peter. +French pulled them again, upon which they roared the more, still +retaining their places. I have in my lifetime laughed till I nearly +became spasmodic; but never were my risible muscles put to greater +tension than upon this occasion. The wall, as I said before, had only +that day received a coat of mortar, and of course was quite soft and +yielding, when Joe and Peter thought proper to make it their pillow; it +was, nevertheless, setting fast, from the heat and lights of an eighteen +hours' carousal; and, in the morning, when my brother awakened his +guests, the mortar had completely set and their hair being the thing +most calculated to amalgamate therewith, the entire of Joe's stock, +together with his <i>queue</i>, and half his head, was thoroughly and +irrecoverably bedded in the greedy and now marble cement, so that, if +determined to move, he must have taken the wall along with him, for +separate it would not. One side of Peter's head was in the same state of +imprisonment. Nobody was able to assist them, and there they both stuck +fast.</p> + +<p>A consultation was now held on this pitiful case, which I maliciously +endeavored to prolong as much as I could, and which was, in fact, every +now and then interrupted by a roar from Peter or Joe, as they made fresh +efforts to rise. At length, it was proposed by Dan Tyron to send for the +stone cutter, and get him to cut them out of the wall with a chisel. I +was literally unable to speak two sentences for laughing. The old woman +meanwhile tried to soften the obdurate wall with melted butter and new +milk—but in vain. I related the school story how Hannibal had worked +through the Alps with hot vinegar and hot irons: this experiment +likewise was made, but Hannibal's solvent had no better success than the +old crone's.</p> + +<p>Peter Alley, being of a more passionate nature, grew ultimately quite +outrageous: he roared, gnashed his teeth, and swore vengeance against +the mason; but as he was only held by one side, a thought at last struck +him: he asked for two knives, which being brought, he whetted one +against the other, and introducing the blades close to his skull, sawed +away at cross corners till he was liberated, with the loss only of half +his hair and a piece of his scalp, which he had sliced off in zeal and +haste for his liberty. I never saw a fellow so extravagantly happy! Fur +was scraped from the crown of a hat, to stop the bleeding; his head was +duly tied up with the old woman's <i>praskeen</i>; and he was soon in a state +of bodily convalescence. Our solicitude was now required solely for Joe, +whose head was too deeply buried to be exhumed with so much facility. At +this moment, Bob Casey, of Ballynakill, a very celebrated wig-maker, +just dropped in, to see what he could pick up honestly in the way of his +profession, or steal in the way of anything else; and he immediately +undertook to get Mr. Kelly out of the mortar by a very expert but +tedious process, namely clipping with his scissors, and then rooting out +with an oyster-knife. He thus finally succeeded, in less than an hour, +in setting Joe once more at liberty, at the price of his queue, which +was totally lost, and of the exposure of his raw and bleeding occiput. +The operation was, indeed, of a mongrel description—somewhat between a +complete tonsure and an imperfect scalping, to both of which +denominations it certainly presented claims. However, it is an ill wind +that blows nobody good! Bob Casey got the making of a skull-piece for +Joe, and my brother French had the pleasure of paying for it, as +gentlemen in those days honored any order given by a guest to the family +shopkeeper or artisan.</p> + + + +<h3>A PARTNERSHIP.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">After</span> divine service at Worcester cathedral, where a remarkably fine +anthem had been performed, the organ-blower observed to the organist, "I +think we have performed mighty well to-day." "<i>We</i> performed!" answered +the organist, "if I am not mistaken it was <i>I</i> that performed." Next +Sunday, in the midst of a voluntary, the organ stopped all at once. The +organist, enraged, cried out, "Why don't you blow?" The fellow, popping +out his head, said, "Shall it be <i>we</i> then?"</p> + + + +<h3>A WIT FOR LADIES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> of vivacity was by a waggish friend proposed to be made +acquainted with a gentleman of infinite wit, an offer she gladly +accepted. After the interview, her friend asked how she liked him. She +said, "Delightfully! I have hardly ever found a person so agreeable." +The damsel, uninterrupted in her own loquacity, had not discovered that +this witty gentleman was——<i>dumb</i>!</p> + + + +<h3>A BRAGGADOCIO REPROVED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer relating his feats to the Marshal de Bessompiere, said, that +in a sea-fight he had killed 300 men with his own hand: "And I," said +the Marshal, "descended through a chimney in Switzerland to visit a +pretty girl." "How could that be," said the captain, "since there are no +chimneys in that country?" "What, Sir!" said the Marshal, "I have +allowed you to kill 300 men in a fight, and surely you may permit me to +descend a chimney in Switzerland."</p> + + + +<h3>MRS. MUNCHAUSEN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A traveled</span> London lady gives the following incident, among others, to a +circle of admiring friends, on her return from America: "I was a dinin' +haboard a first-class steamboat on the Hoeigho river. The gentleman next +me, on my right, was a Southerner, and the gentleman on my left was a +Northerner. Well, they gets into a kind of discussion on the habbolition +question, when some 'igh words hariz. 'Please to retract, Sir,' said the +Southerner. 'Won't do it,' said the Northerner. 'Pray, ma'am,' said the +Southerner, 'will you 'ave the goodness to lean back in your chair?' +'With the greatest pleasure,' said I, not knowin' what was a comin'. +When what does my gentleman do but whips out an 'oss pistil as long as +my harm, and shoots my left 'and neighbor dead! But that wasn't hall! +for the bullet, comin' out of the left temple, wounded a lady in the +side. She huttered an 'orrifick scream. 'Pon my word, ma'am,' said the +Southerner, 'you needn't make so much noise about it, for I did it by a +mistake.'" "And was justice done the murderer?" asked a horrified +listener. "Hinstantly, dear madam," answered Miss L——. "The cabin +passengers set right to work, and lynched him. They 'ung 'im in the lamp +chains right hover the dinin' table, and then finished the dessert. But +for my part, it quite spoiled my happetite."</p> + + + +<h3>OLD BABES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Hibernian</span>, seeing an old man and woman in the stocks, said that they +put him in mind of "the babes in the wood."</p> + + + +<h3>A SELL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> river <i>Monitor</i> tells the following story:</p> + +<p>A countryman (farmer) went into a store in Boston, the other day, and +told the keeper that a neighbor of his had entrusted him some money to +expend to the best advantage, and he meant to do it where he would be +the best treated. He had been used very ill by the traders in Boston, +and he would not part with his neighbor's money until he had found a man +who would treat him about right. With the utmost suavity the trader +says:</p> + +<p>"I think I can treat you to your liking; how do you want to be treated?"</p> + +<p>"Well," said the farmer, with a leer in his eye, "in the first place, I +want a glass of toddy," which was forthcoming. "Now I will have a nice +cigar," says the countryman. It was promptly handed him, leisurely +lighted, and then throwing himself back with his feet as high as his +head, he commenced puffing away like a Spaniard.</p> + +<p>"Now what do you want to purchase?" says the store-keeper.</p> + +<p>"My neighbor," said the countryman, "handed me two cents when I left +home, to buy a plug of tobacco—have you got that article?"</p> + +<p>The store-keeper sloped instanter.</p> + + + +<h3>A SELL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A witty</span> knave bargained with a seller of lace in London for as much as +would reach from one of his ears to the other. When they had agreed, it +appeared that one of his ears was nailed at the pillory in Bristol.</p> + + + +<h3>PRACTICAL JOKING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A few</span> days since, writes an attorney, as I was sitting with Brother +D——, in his office, Court Square, a client came in, and said—</p> + +<p>"Squire D——, W——, the stabler, shaved me dreadfully, yesterday, and +I want to come up with him."</p> + +<p>"State your case," says D——.</p> + +<p>"I asked him," said Client, "how much he would charge me for a horse and +wagon to go to Dedham. He said one dollar and a half. I took the team, +and when I came back, I paid him one dollar and a half, and he said he +wanted another dollar and a half for coming back, and made me pay it."</p> + +<p>D—— gave him some legal advice, which the client immediately acted +upon as follows:</p> + +<p>He went to the stabler and said—</p> + +<p>"How much will you charge me for a horse and wagon to go to Salem?"</p> + +<p>Stabler replied—"Five dollars."</p> + +<p>"Harness him up!"</p> + +<p>Client went to Salem, came back by railroad, and went to the stabler, +saying—</p> + +<p>"Here is your money," paying him five dollars.</p> + +<p>"Where is my horse and wagon?" says W.</p> + +<p>"He is at Salem," says Client; "I only hired him to go to Salem."</p> + + + +<h3>SOLITUDE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> are always yawning," said a woman to her husband. "My dear friend," +replied he, "the husband and wife are <i>one</i>; and when I am <i>alone</i>, I +grow weary."</p> + + + +<h3>SPEAKING OUT IN DREAMS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A correspondent</span> of the <i>Richmond Dispatch</i> tells the following in a +letter from one of the Springs:</p> + +<p>An amusing incident occurred in the cars of the Virginia and Tennessee +road, which must be preserved in print. It is too good to be lost. As +the train entered the Big Tunnel, near this place, in accordance with +the usual custom <i>a lamp</i> was lit. A servant girl, accompanying her +mistress, had sunk in a profound slumber, but just as the lamp was lit +she awoke, and half asleep imagined herself in the infernal regions. +Frantic with fright, she implored her Maker to have mercy on her, +remarking at the same time, "The devil has got me at last." Her +mistress, sitting on the seat in front of the terrified negress, was +deeply mortified, and called upon her—"Molly, don't make such a noise; +it is I, be not afraid." The poor African immediately exclaimed, "Oh, +missus, dat you? Jest what I 'spected; I always thought if eber I got to +de bad place, I would see you dar." These remarks were uttered with such +vehemence, that not a word was lost, and the whole coach became +convulsed with laughter.</p> + + + +<h3>GOODBYE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A minikin</span> three-and-a-half-feet Colonel, being one day at the drill, was +examining a strapper of six feet four. "Come, fellow, hold up your head; +higher, fellow!" "Yes, Sir." "Higher, fellow—higher." " What—so, Sir?" +"Yes, fellow." "And am I always to remain so?" "Yes, fellow, certainly." +"Why then, good bye. Colonel, for I never shall see you again."</p> + + + +<h3>MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT.—DEATH OF A YOUNG MAN.</h3> + +<p class="c sml">FROM PHŒNIXIANA.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Mudge</span> has just arrived in San Diego from Arkansas; he brings with +him four yoke of oxen, seventeen American cows, nine American children, +and Mrs. Mudge. They have encamped in the rear of our office, pending +the arrival of the next coasting steamer.</p> + +<p>Mr. Mudge is about thirty-seven years of age, his hair is light, not a +"sable silvered," but a <i>yaller</i> gilded; you can see some of it sticking +out of the top of his hat; his costume is the national costume of +Arkansas, coat, waistcoat, and pantaloons of homespun cloth, dyed a +brownish yellow, with a decoction of the bitter barked butternut—a +pleasing alliteration; his countenance presents a determined, combined +with a sanctimonious expression, and in his brightly gleaming eye—a red +eye we think it is—we fancy a spark of poetic fervor may be +distinguished.</p> + +<p>Mr. Mudge called on us yesterday. We were eating watermelon. Perhaps the +reader may have eaten watermelon, if so, he knows how difficult a thing +it is to speak, when the mouth is filled with the luscious fruit, and +the slippery seed and sweet though embarrassing juice is squizzling out +all over the chin and shirt-bosom. So at first we said nothing, but +waved with our case knife toward an unoccupied box, as who should say +sit down. Mr. Mudge accordingly seated himself, and removing his hat +(whereat all his hair sprang up straight like a Jack in a box), turned +that article of dress over and over in his hands, and contemplated its +condition with alarming seriousness.</p> + +<p>"Take some melon, Mr. Mudge," said we, as with a sudden bolt we +recovered our speech and took another slice ourself. "No, I thank you," +replied Mr. Mudge, "I wouldn't choose any, now."</p> + +<p>There was a solemnity in Mr. Mudge's manner that arrested our attention; +we paused, and holding a large slice of watermelon dripping in the air, +listened to what he might have to say.</p> + +<p>"Thar was a very serious accident happened to us," said Mr. Mudge, "as +we wos crossin' the plains. 'Twas on the bank of the Peacus river. Thar +was a young man named Jeames Hambrick along and another young feller, he +got to fooling with his pistil, and he shot Jeames. He was a good young +man and hadn't a enemy in the company; we buried him thar on the Peacus +river, we did, and as we went off, these here lines sorter passed +through my mind." So saying, Mr. Mudge rose, drew from his pocket—his +waistcoat pocket—a crumpled piece of paper, and handed it over. Then he +drew from his coat-tail pocket, a large cotton handkerchief, with a red +ground and yellow figure, slowly unfolded it, blew his nose—an awful +blast it was—wiped his eyes, and disappeared. We publish Mr. Mudge's +lines, with the remark, that any one who says they have no poets or +poetry in Arkansas, would doubt the existence of William Shakspeare:</p> + + +<p class="c sml">DIRGE ON THE DEATH OF JEAMES HAMBRICK.</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="sml">BY MR ORION W. MUDGE, ESQ.</span></span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">it was on June the tenth</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">our hearts were very sad</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">for it was by an awful accident</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">we lost a fine young lad</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Jeames Hambric was his name</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">and alas it was his lot</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">to you I tell the same</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">he was accidently shot</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">on the peacus river side</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">the sun was very hot</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">and its there he fell and died</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">where he was accidently shot</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">on the road his character good</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">without a stain or blot</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">and in our opinions growed</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">until he was accidently shot</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">a few words only he spoke</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">for moments he had not</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">and only then he seemed to choke</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I was accidently shot</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">we wrapped him in a blanket good</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">for coffin we had not</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">and then we buried him where he stood</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">when he was accidently shot</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">and as we stood around his grave</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">our tears the ground did blot</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">we prayed to god his soul to save</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">he was accidently shot</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>This is all, but I writ at the time a epitaff which I think is short and +would do to go over his grave:—</p> + +<p class="c sml">EPITAFF</p> + +<p class="c sml"> +here lies the body of Jeames Hambrick<br /> +who was accidently shot<br /> +on the bank of the peacus river<br /> +by a young man</p> + +<p>he was accidently shot with one of the large size colt's revolver with +no stopper for the cock to rest on it was one of the old fashion kind +brass mounted and of such is the kingdom of heaven.</p> + +<p class="c">truly yourn,</p> + +<p><span style="margin-left: 50%;"><span class="smcap">Orion W Mudge Esq</span></span></p> + + + +<h3>CASUISTICAL ARITHMETIC.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A brace</span> of partridges being brought in to supper for three gentlemen; +"Come, Tom," said one of them, "you are fresh from the schools, let us +see how learnedly you can divide these two birds among us three." "With +all my heart;" answered Tom, "there is one for <i>you two</i> and here is one +for <i>me too</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>JOHNSONIAN ADVICE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. B.</span> desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had +just written; adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell +her, for she had other <i>irons in the fire</i>, and in case of its not being +likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the +Doctor, after having turned over a few leaves, "<i>I advise you, Madam, to +put it where your other irons are.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>BLUNDERS OF SIR BOYLE ROCHE.</h3> + +<p class="c sml">FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Baronet had certainly one great advantage over all other bull and +blunder makers: he seldom launched a blunder from which some fine +aphorism or maxim might not be easily extracted. When a debate arose in +the Irish house of commons on the vote of a grant which was recommended +by Sir John Parnel, chancellor of the exchequer, as one not likely to be +felt burdensome for many years to come—it was observed in reply, that +the house had no just right to load posterity with a weighty debt for +what could in no degree operate to their advantage. Sir Boyle, eager to +defend the measures of government, immediately rose, and in a very few +words, put forward the most unanswerable argument which human ingenuity +could possibly devise. "What, Mr. Speaker!" said he, "and so we are to +beggar ourselves for fear of vexing posterity! Now, I would ask the +honorable gentleman, and this <i>still more</i> honorable house, why we +should put ourselves out of our way for <i>posterity</i>: for what has +<i>posterity</i> done for <i>us</i>?"</p> + +<p>Sir Boyle, hearing the roar of laughter which of course followed this +sensible blunder, but not being conscious that he had said anything out +of the way, was rather puzzled, and conceived that the house had +misunderstood him. He therefore begged leave to explain, as he +apprehended that gentlemen had entirely mistaken his words: he assured +the house that "by <i>posterity</i>, he did not at all mean our <i>ancestors</i>, +but those who were to come <i>immediately</i> after <i>them</i>." Upon hearing +this <i>explanation</i>, it was impossible to do any serious business for +half an hour.</p> + +<p>Sir Boyle Roche was induced by government to fight as hard as possible +for the union: so he did, and I really believe fancied, by degrees, that +he was right. On one occasion, a general titter arose at his florid +picture of the happiness which must proceed from this event. +"Gentlemen," said Sir Boyle, "may titther, and titther, and titther, and +may think it a bad measure; but their heads at present are hot, and will +so remain till they grow cool again; and so they can't decide right now; +but when the <i>day of judgment</i> comes, <i>then</i> honorable gentlemen will be +satisfied at this most excellent union. Sir, there is no Levitical +degrees between nations, and on this occasion I can see neither sin nor +shame in <i>marrying our own sister</i>."</p> + +<p>He was a determined enemy to the French revolution, and seldom rose in +the house for several years without volunteering some abuse of it. "Mr. +Speaker," said he, in a mood of this kind, "if we once permitted the +villanous French masons to meddle with the buttresses and walls of our +ancient constitution, they would never stop, nor stay, Sir, till they +brought the foundation-stones tumbling down about the ears of the +nation! There," continued Sir Boyle, placing his hand earnestly on his +heart, his powdered head shaking in unison with his loyal zeal, while he +described the probable consequences of an invasion of Ireland by the +French republicans; "There Mr. Speaker! if those Gallican villains +should invade us, Sir, 'tis on <i>that very table</i>, may-be, these +honorable members might see their own destinies lying in heaps a-top of +one another!' Here perhaps, Sir, the murderous <i>Marshallaw-men</i> +(Marseillois) would break in, cut us to mince-meat, and throw our +bleeding heads upon that table, to stare us in the face!"</p> + +<p>Sir Boyle, on another occasion, was arguing for the habeas corpus +suspension bill in Ireland: "It would surely be better, Mr. Speaker," +said he, "to give up not only a <i>part</i>, but, if necessary, even the +<i>whole</i>, of our constitution, to preserve <i>the remainder</i>!"</p> + + + +<h3>A PLACEMAN.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I cannot</span> conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how you manage; my +estate is better than yours, yet you live better than I do."</p> + +<p>"My lord, I have a place."</p> + +<p>"A place! I never heard of it; what place?"</p> + +<p>"I am <i>my own steward</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>LET US START FAIR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Many</span> years ago, while a clergyman on the coast of Cornwall was in the +midst of his sermon, the alarm was given, <i>A wreck! a wreck!</i> The +congregation, eager for their prey, were immediately making off, when +the parson solemnly entreated them to hear only five words more. This +arrested their attention until the preacher, throwing off his +canonicals, descended from the pulpit, exclaiming, "Now, let's all start +fair!"</p> + + + +<h3>DEGREES OF COMPARISON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman meeting his friend, said, "I've just met our old +acquaintance Patrick, and he's grown so thin, I could hardly know him. +You are thin, and I am thin; but he is <i>thinner than both of us put +together</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A MISUNDERSTANDING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A poor</span> curate for his Sunday dinner sent his servant to a chandler's +shop, kept by one Paul, for bacon and eggs on credit. This being +refused, the damsel, as she had nothing to cook, thought she might as +well go to church, and entered as her master, in the midst of his +discourse, referring to the apostle, repeated, "What says Paul?" The +good woman, supposing the question addressed to her, answered, "Paul +says, Sir, that he'll give you no more trust till you pay your old +score."</p> + + + +<h3>A STORY TELLER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> of this description, seated with his pot companions, was in the +midst of one of his best stories, when he was suddenly called away to go +on board of a vessel, in which he was to sail for Jamaica. Returning in +about a twelvemonth, he resumed his old seat, among his cronies. "Well, +gentlemen," proceeded he, "as I was saying——"</p> + + + +<h3>A RETORT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish Peer, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting a +celebrated barrister, the latter asked, "When do you mean to put your +<i>whiskers</i> on the <i>peace establishment</i>?" His lordship answered, "When +you put your <i>tongue</i> on the <i>civil list</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A LOUD LETTER.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">What</span> are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my +grandmother's dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."</p> + + + +<h3>GO THE WHOLE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A peasant</span>, being at confession, accused himself of having stolen some +hay. The father-confessor asked him how many bundles he had taken from +the stack: "That is of no consequence," replied the peasant; "you may +set it down a wagon-load; for my wife and I are going to fetch the +remainder soon."</p> + + + +<h3>SHARP BOY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> driving a number of cattle to Boston, one of his cows went into a +barn-yard, where there stood a young lad. The drover calls to the boy, +"Stop that cow, my lad, stop that cow." "I am no constable, Sir." "Turn +her out then." "She is right side out now, Sir." "Well, speak to her +then." The boy took off his hat, and very handsomely addressed the cow, +with "Your servant, madam." The drover rode into the yard, and drove the +cow out himself.</p> + + + +<h3>HIGH FAMILY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> was boasting that he was sprung from a high family in Ireland. +"Yes," said a bystander, "I have seen some of the same family so high +that their feet could not touch the ground."</p> + + + +<h3>SETTLING.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Mr. Jenkins</span>, will it suit you to settle that old account of yours?"</p> + +<p>"No, Sir, you are mistaken in the man, I am not one of the old +<i>settlers</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>CAUSE OF REGRET.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lad</span>, standing by while his father lost a large sum at play, burst into +tears. On being asked the cause, "O Sir," answered he, "I have read that +Alexander wept because his father Philip gained so many conquests that +he would leave him <i>nothing to gain</i>; I on the contrary weep for fear +that you will leave me <i>nothing to lose</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>THE PROPER PERSON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from some +impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did +thus: "I have been abused here, by some of the <i>rascals</i> of this inn, +and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the +<i>Principal</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>AN AWKWARD SITUATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Lyttleton</span> asked a clergyman the use of his pulpit for a young +divine he had brought down with him. "I really know not," said the +parson, "how to refuse your Lordship; but if the gentleman preach better +than I, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if +he preach worse, he is not fit to preach at all."</p> + + + +<h3>CALL AGAIN TO-MORROW.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A heretic</span> in medicine being indisposed, his physician happened to call. +Being told that the doctor was below, he said, "Tell him to call another +time; I am unwell, and can't see him now."</p> + + + +<h3>JOKE FROM HARPER'S DRAWER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Who</span> is not carried back to good old times as he reads this sketch of +Connecticut goin' to meetin' fifty years ago? It is a genuine story +contributed to the Drawer:</p> + +<p>"In the early part of the ministry of Rev. Jehu C——k, who preached +many years in one of the pleasant towns in the western part of +Connecticut, it was the custom of many of the good ladies from the +distant parts of his parish to bring with them food, which they ate at +noon; or as they used to say, 'between the intermission.' Some brought a +hard-boiled egg, some a nut-cake, some a sausage; but one good woman, +who had tried them all, and found them all too dry, brought some pudding +and milk. In order to bring it in a dish from which it would not spill +over on the road, and yet be convenient to eat from, she took a pitcher +with a narrow neck at the top, but spreading at the bottom. Arrived at +the meeting-house, she placed it under the seat. The exercises of the +day soon commenced, and the old lady became wholly rapt in her +devotional feelings. Though no philosopher, she knew by practice—as +many church-goers seem to have learned—that she could receive and +'inwardly digest' the sermon by shutting her eyes, and opening her +mouth, and allowing all her senses to go to sleep. While thus prepared, +and lost to all external impressions, she was suddenly startled by a +rustling and splashing under the seat. She had no time to consider the +cause before she discovered her dog, Put, backing out with the neck of +the pitcher over his head, and the pudding and milk drizzling out. Poor +Put had been fixing his thoughts on material objects alone; and taking +advantage of the quietness of the occasion, had crept under the seat of +his mistress, where he was helping himself to a dinner. His head had +glided easily through the narrow portion of the pitcher; but, when quite +in, it was as securely fixed as an eel in a pot. Unable to extricate +himself, he had no alternative but to be smothered or back out. The old +lady bore the catastrophe in no wise quietly. A thousand terrible +thoughts rushed into her mind; the ludicrous appearance of the dog and +pitcher, the place, the occasion, the spattering of her garments, the +rascally insult of the puppy—but, above all, the loss of her +'Sabber-day' dinner. At the top of her voice she cried,</p> + +<p>"'Get out, Put! get out! Oh, Jehu! I'm speakin' right out in meetin'! +Oh! I'm talkin' all the time!'</p> + +<p>"The scene that followed is not to be described. The frightened old lady +seized her dog and pitcher, and rushed out of meeting; the astonished +preacher paused in the midst of his discourse, while the whole +congregation were startled out of their propriety by the explosion; and +it was some time before order and the sermon were again resumed."</p> + + + +<h3>ARMOND.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Armond</span>, the great comedian, had a great curiosity to see Louis XIV. in +chapel, and accordingly presented himself one morning during service at +the door. The sentinel refused to admit him.</p> + +<p>"But, friend," said Armond, "you must let me pass; I am his majesty's +barber."</p> + +<p>"Ah, that may be," said the sentinel, "but the king does not shave in +church."</p> + + + +<h3>MRS. PARTINGTON'S VERY LAST.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">"Where</span> did you get so much money, Isaac?" said Mrs. Partington, as he +shook a half handful of copper cents before her, grinning all the while +like a rogue that he is; "have you found the hornicopia or has anybody +given you a request?" She was a little anxious. "I got it from bets," +said he, chucking them into the air, and allowing half of them to +clatter and rattle about the floor with all the importance of dollars. +"Got them from Bets, did you?" replied she; "and who is Bets that she +should give you money?—she must be some low creature, or you would not +speak of her so disrespectably. I hope you will not get led away by any +desolate companions, Isaac, and become an unworthy membrane of society." +How tenderly the iron-bowed spectacles beamed upon him! "I mean bets," +said he, laughing, "that I won on Burlingame." "Dear me!" she exclaimed, +"how could you do so when gaming is such a horrid habit? Why, sometimes +people are arranged at the bar for it." She was really uneasy until he +explained that, in imitation of older ones, he had bet some cents on +Burlingame and had won.</p> + + + +<h3>ADORATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a late court, a man and his wife brought cross actions, each charging +the other with having committed assault and battery. On investigation, +it appeared that the husband had pushed the door against the wife, and +the wife in turn pushed the door against the husband. A gentleman of the +bar remarked that he could see no impropriety in a man and his wife +a-<i>door</i>-ing each other.</p> + + + +<h3>NAUGHTY CHARLES LAMB.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles Lamb</span> once, while riding in company with a lady, descried a party +denuded for swimming a little way off. He remarked: "Those girls ought +to go to a more retired place." "They are boys," replied the lady. "You +may be right," rejoined Charlie, "I can't distinguish so accurately as +you, at such a distance."</p> + + + +<h3>TOO GREEN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">"Sallie,"</span> said a young man to his red-haired sweetheart, "keep your head +away from me; you will set me on fire."</p> + +<p>"No danger," was the contemptuous answer, "you are too green to burn."</p> + + + +<h3>HIGH COMPANY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Gascon</span> was vaunting one day, that in his travels he had been caressed +wherever he went, and had seen all the great men throughout Europe. +"Have you seen the Dardanelles?" inquired one of the company. "Parbleu!" +says he; "I most surely have seen them, when I dined with them several +times."</p> + + + +<h3>EMPHASIS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> force of emphasis is clearly shown in the following brief colloquy, +between two lawyers:</p> + +<p>"Sir," demanded one, indignantly, "do you imagine me to be a scoundrel?"</p> + +<p>"No, Sir," said the other coolly, "I do not <i>imagine</i> you to be one."</p> + + + +<h3>A FORGETFUL MAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A man</span>, endowed with an extraordinary capacity for forgetfulness, was +tried some time ago, at Paris, for vagabondage. He gave his name as +Auguste Lessite, and believed he was born at Bourges. As he had +forgotten his age, the registry of all the births in that city, from +1812 to 1822, was consulted, but only one person of the name of Lessite +had been born there during that time, and that was a girl.</p> + +<p>"Are you sure your name is Lessite?" asked the judge.</p> + +<p>"Well, I thought it was, but maybe it ain't."</p> + +<p>"Are you confident you were born at Bourges?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I always supposed I was, but I shouldn't wonder if it was +somewhere else."</p> + +<p>"Where does your family live at present?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know; I've forgotten."</p> + +<p>"Can you remember ever having seen your father and mother?"</p> + +<p>"I can't recollect to save myself; I sometimes think I have, and then +again I think I haven't."</p> + +<p>"What trade do you follow?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I am either a tailor or a cooper, and for the life of me I can't +tell which: at any rate, I'm either one or the other."</p> + + + +<h3>AN ACUTE HINT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish footman carrying a basket of game from his master to his +friend, waited some time for the customary fee, but seeing no appearance +of it, he scratched his head, and said, "Sir, if my master should say, +Paddy, what did the gentleman give you?—<i>what would your honor have me +to tell him?</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>COCKNEY NARRATIVE.</h3> + + +<p>I <i>laid</i> at my friend's house last night, and <i>just</i> as I <i>laid me down</i> +to sleep, I heard a rumbling at the window of my chamber, which was +<i>just</i> over the kitchen, a sort of portico, the top of which was <i>just</i> +even with the floor of my room. Well, I <i>just</i> peeped up, and as the +moon was <i>just</i> rising, I <i>just</i> saw the head of a man; so I <i>got me up</i> +softly, <i>just</i> as I was, in my shirt, <i>goes</i> to where the pistols <i>laid</i> +that I had <i>just</i> loaded, and laid them <i>just</i> within my reach. I hid +myself behind the curtains, <i>just</i> as he was completely in the room. +<i>Just</i> as I was about to lift my hand to shoot him, <i>thinks I</i>, would it +be <i>just</i> to kill <i>this here</i> man, without <i>one</i> were sure he came with +an <i>unjust</i> intention? so I <i>just</i> cried out <i>hem!</i> upon which he fell +to the ground, and there he <i>laid</i>, and I could <i>just</i> see that he +looked <i>just</i> as if he was dead; so I <i>just</i> asked him what business he +had in <i>that there</i> room? Poor man! he could <i>just</i> speak, and said he +had <i>just</i> come to see Mary!</p> + + + +<h3>SINCERE REGRET.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">To</span> a gentleman who was continually lamenting the loss of his first wife +before his second, she one day said, "<i>Indeed, Sir, no one regrets her +more than I do.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>HARD CASE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A polite</span> young lady recently asserted that she had lived near a +barn-yard, and that it was impossible for her to sleep in the morning, +on account of the outcry made by a "gentleman hen."</p> + + + +<h3>BIG WORDS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> best hit we have lately seen at the <i>rather</i> American fashion of +employing big crooked words, instead of little straight ones, is in the +following dialogue between a highfalutin lawyer and a plain witness:</p> + +<p>"Did the defendant knock the plaintiff down with <i>malice prepense</i>?"</p> + +<p>"No, Sir; he knocked him down with a flat-iron."</p> + +<p>"You misunderstand me, my friend; I want to know whether he attacked him +with any evil intent?"</p> + +<p>"O no, Sir, it was outside of the tent."</p> + +<p>"No, no; I wish you to tell me whether the attack was at all a +preconcerted affair?"</p> + +<p>"No, Sir; it was not a free concert affair—it was at a circus."</p> + + + +<h3>LACONIC AND DECISIVE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A wealthy</span> Jew, having made several ineffectual applications for leave to +quit Berlin, at length sent a letter to the king imploring permission to +travel for the benefit of his health, to which he received the following +answer:</p> + +<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Dear Ephraim,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">"Nothing but death shall part us.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 18em;">"FREDERICK."</span></p> + + + +<h3>THEATRICAL CRITICISM.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Woodward first played Sir John Brute, Garrick was present. A few +days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in +the part, adding, "I think I struck out some beauties in it." "<i>I +think,</i>" said Garrick, "<i>that you struck out all the beauties in it.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>A MISTAKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Fredrick I.</span> of Prussia, when a new soldier appeared on the parade, was +wont to ask him, "How old are you?—how long have you been in my +service?—have you received your pay and clothing?" A young Frenchman +who had volunteered into the service, being informed by his officer of +the questions which the monarch would ask, took care to have the answers +ready. The king, seeing him in the ranks, unfortunately reversed the +questions:</p> + +<p>Q. How long have you been in my service?</p> + +<p>A. Twenty-one years, and please your majesty.</p> + +<p>Q. How old are you?</p> + +<p>A. One year.</p> + +<p>The king, surprised, said, "Either you or I must be a fool." The +soldier, taking this for the third question, relative to his pay and +clothing, replied, "<i>Both</i>, and please your majesty."</p> + + + +<h3>CONSOLATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded in one of +the late battles in Holland. As he lay on the ground, an unlucky +soldier, who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made a +terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, "What do you make such a +noise for? <i>Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>SEVERAL NEGATIVES.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Mister</span>, I say, I don't suppose you don't know of nobody who don't want +to hire nobody to do nothing, don't you?" "Yes, I don't."</p> + + + +<h3>DIFFERENT LINES.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> arrived from a voyage to the East Indies inquired of a friend +after their mutual acquaintance, and, among the rest, one who had the +misfortune to be hanged during his absence:</p> + +<p>"How is Tom Moody?"</p> + +<p>"He is dead."</p> + +<p>"He was in the grocery line when I left this."</p> + +<p>"He was in quite a different <i>line</i> when he died."</p> + + + +<h3>NEGRO WIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Jamaica planter</span>, with a nose as fiery and rubicund as that of the +<i>illuminating</i> Bardolph, was taking his <i>siesta</i> after dinner, when a +mosquito lighting on his <i>proboscis</i>, instantly flew back. "Aha! massa +mosquito," cried Quacco, who was in attendance, "<i>you burn your foot!</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>THEATRICAL BON-MOT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a very thin house in the country, an actress spoke very low in her +communication with her lover. The actor, whose benefit it happened to +be, exclaimed with a face of woeful humor, "My dear, you may speak out, +there is nobody to hear us."</p> + + + +<h3>CONCISENESS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Louis XIV.</span> traveling, met a priest riding post. Ordering him to stop, he +asked hastily, "Whence? whither? for what?" He answered, +"Bruges—Paris—a benefice." "You shall have it."</p> + + + +<h3>ALLIES WILL FALL OUT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> having to fight a main in the country, gave charge to his +servant to carry down two cocks. Pat put them together in a bag; on +opening which, at his arrival, he was surprised to find one of them +dead, and the other terribly wounded. Being rebuked by his master for +putting them in the same bag, he said he thought there was no danger of +them hurting each other, as they were going to fight <i>on the same side</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>CATCHING A TARTAR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish soldier called out to his companion:</p> + +<p>"Hollo! Pat, I have taken a prisoner."</p> + +<p>"Bring him along, then; bring him along!"</p> + +<p>"He won't come."</p> + +<p>"Then come yourself."</p> + +<p>"<i>He won't let me.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>ANTIGALLICAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A downright</span> John Bull going into a coffee-house, briskly ordered a glass +of brandy and water; "But," said he, "bring me none of your cursed +<i>French stuff</i>." The waiter said respectfully, "<i>Genuine British</i>, Sir, +I assure you."</p> + + + +<h3>IMPRACTICABILITY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> in the pit, at the representation of a certain tragedy, +observed to his neighbor, he wondered that it was not hissed: the other +answered, "People can't both yawn and hiss at once."</p> + + + +<h3>A DIALOGUE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the +violin, the following hits took place:</p> + +<p><i>W.</i> I fear, Charles, you <i>lose</i> a great deal of <i>time</i> with this +fiddling.</p> + +<p><i>S.</i> Sir, I endeavor to <i>keep time</i>.</p> + +<p><i>W.</i> You mean rather to <i>kill time</i>.</p> + +<p><i>S.</i> No, I only <i>beat time</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>AN UNLUCKY COMPLIMENT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A French</span> gentleman congratulated Madame Denis on her performance of the +part of Lara. "To do justice to that part," said she, "the actress +should be young and handsome." "Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter, +"you are a complete proof of the contrary."</p> + + + +<h3>A COMMAND ANTICIPATED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the campaign in Holland last war, a party marching through a swamp, +was ordered to form <i>two deep</i>. A corporal immediately exclaimed, "I'm +<i>too deep</i> already; I am up to the middle."</p> + + + +<h3>A SMALL MISTAKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> uninformed Irishman, hearing the <i>Sphinx</i> alluded to in company, +whispered to his neighbor, "Sphinx! who is that?" "A monster, man." +"Oh!" said our Hibernian, not to seem unacquainted with his family, "<i>a +Munster-man</i>! I thought he was from Connaught."</p> + + + +<h3>A HOME TRUTH.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the Court of +Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention to +his Prussian Majesty, and to tell him at the same time, "That her +fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at +Berlin." The king replied, "I am sorry we are only intrusted with the +worst part of her Grace's property."</p> + + + +<h3>SHINING WIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A buck</span> having his boots cleaned, threw down the money haughtily to the +Irish shoe-black, who as he was going away said, "By my soul, all the +<i>polish</i> you have is on your boots, and that I gave you."</p> + + + +<h3>A FATAL STEP PREVENTED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A beggar</span> importuned a lady for alms; she gave him a shilling. "God bless +your ladyship!" said he, "this will prevent me from executing my +resolution." The lady, alarmed, and thinking he meditated suicide, asked +what he meant. "Alas, madam!" said he, "but for this shilling I should +have been obliged to go <i>to work</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A COMMON ERROR CORRECTED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A sailor</span> being in a company where the shape of the earth was disputed, +said, "Why look ye, gentlemen, they pretend to say the earth is <i>round</i>; +now I have been all <i>round</i> it, and I, Jack Oakum, assure you it is <i>as +flat as a pancake</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>A YANKEE JUDGE AND A KENTUCKY LAWYER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Few</span> persons in this part of the country are aware of the difference that +exists between our manners and customs, and those of the people of the +Western States. Their elections, their courts of justice, present scenes +that would strike one with astonishment and alarm. If the jurors are +not, as has been asserted, run down with dogs and guns, color is given +to charges like this, by the repeated successful defiances of law and +judges that occur, by the want of dignity and self-respect evinced by +the judges themselves, and by the squabbles and brawls that take place +between members of the bar. There is to be found occasionally there, +however, a judge of decision and firmness, to compel decorum even among +the most turbulent spirits, or at least to punish summarily all +violations of law and propriety. The following circumstances which +occurred in Kentucky were related to us by a gentleman who was an eye +witness of the whole transaction.</p> + +<p>Several years since, Judge R., a native of Connecticut, was holding a +court at Danville. A cause of considerable importance came on, and a Mr. +D., then a lawyer of considerable eminence, and afterwards a member of +Congress, who resided in a distant part of the State, was present to +give it his personal supervision. In the course of Mr. D.'s argument, he +let fall some profane language, for which he was promptly checked and +reprimanded by the Judge. Mr. D., accustomed to unrestrained license of +tongue, retorted with great asperity, and much harshness of language.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge coolly, "put down twenty dollars fine to Mr. +D."</p> + +<p>"By ——," said Mr. D.; "I'll never pay a cent of it under heaven, and +I'll swear as much as I ——please."</p> + +<p>"Put down another fine of twenty dollars, Mr. Clerk."</p> + +<p>"I'll see the devil have your whole generation," rejoined Mr. D., +"before my pockets shall be picked by a cursed Yankee interloper."</p> + +<p>"Another twenty dollar fine, Mr. Clerk."</p> + +<p>"You may put on as many fines as you please, Mr. Judge, but by —— +there's a difference between imposing and collecting, I reckon."</p> + +<p>"Twenty dollars more, Mr. Clerk."</p> + +<p>"Ha, ha!" laughed Mr. D. with some bitterness, "you are trifling with +me, I see, Sir; but I can tell you I understand no such joking; and by +----, Sir, you will do well to make an end of it."</p> + +<p>"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge with great composure, "add twenty dollars +more to the fine, and hand the account to the Sheriff. Mr. D., the money +must be paid immediately, or I shall commit you to prison."</p> + +<p>The violence of the lawyer compelled the Judge to add another fine; and +before night, the obstreperous barrister was swearing with all his might +to the bare walls of the county jail. The session of the court was +terminated, and the lawyer, seeing no prospect of escape through the +mercy of the Judge, after a fortnight's residence in prison, paid his +fine of a hundred and twenty dollars, and was released.</p> + +<p>He now breathed nothing but vengeance.</p> + +<p>"I'll teach the Yankee scoundrel," said he, "that a member of the +Kentucky bar is not to be treated in this manner with impunity."</p> + +<p>The Judge held his next court at Frankfort, and thither Mr. D. repaired +to take revenge for the personal indignity he had suffered. Judge R. is +as remarkable for resolute fearlessness as for talents, firmness, and +integrity; and after having provided himself with defensive weapons, +entered upon the discharge of his duties with the most philosophic +indifference. On passing from his hotel to the court-house, the Judge +noticed that a man of great size, and evidently of tremendous muscular +strength, followed him so closely as to allow no one to step between. He +observed also that Mr. D., supported by three or four friends, followed +hard upon the heels of the stranger, and on entering the court room, +posted himself as near the seat of the Judge as possible—the stranger +meantime taking care to interpose his huge body between the lawyer and +the Judge. For two or three days, matters went on this way; the stranger +sticking like a burr to the Judge, and the lawyer and his assistants +keeping as near as possible, but refraining from violence. At length, +the curiosity of Judge R. to learn something respecting the purposes of +the modern Hercules became irrepressible, and he invited him to his +room, and inquired who he was, and what object he had in view in +watching his movements thus pertinaciously.</p> + +<p>"Why, you see," said the stranger, ejecting a quid of tobacco that might +have freighted a small skiff, "I'm a ringtailed roarer from Big Sandy +River; I can outrun, outjump, and outfight any man in Kentucky. They +telled me in Danville, that this 'ere lawyer was comin down to give you +a lickin. Now I hadn't nothin agin that, only he wan't a goin to give +you fair play, so I came here to see you out, and now if you'll only say +the word, we can flog him and his mates, in the twinkling of a quart +pot."</p> + +<p>Mr. D. soon learned the feeling in which the champion regarded him, and +withdrew without attempting to execute his threats of vengeance upon the +Judge.</p> + + + +<h3>JUDGE PETERS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">On</span> his entrance into Philadelphia, General Lafayette was accompanied in +the barouche by the venerable Judge Peters. The dust was somewhat +troublesome, and from his advanced age, &c., the General felt and +expressed some solicitude lest his companion should experience +inconvenience from it. To which he replied: General you do not recollect +that I am a <span class="smcap">JUDGE</span>—I do not regard the <span class="smcap">DUST</span>, I am accustomed to it. The +lawyers throw dust in my eyes almost every day in the court-house."</p> + + + +<h3>WITTY APOLOGY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span> calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely +afflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and +the patient rejoicing in his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Come +along, doctor," exclaimed the valetudinarian, "you are just in time to +taste this bottle of Madeira; it is the first of a pipe that has just +been broached." "Ah!" replied the doctor, "these pipes of Madeira will +never do; they are the cause of all your suffering." "Well, then," +rejoined the gay incurable, "fill up your glass, for now that we have +found out the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better."</p> + + + +<h3>BENEVOLENCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">"Take</span> a ticket, Sir, for the Widow and Orphans Fund of the Spike +Society?" "Well, y-e-a-s!—don't care much though for the orphans, but +<i>I goes in strong for the widows</i>!"</p> + + + +<h3>MRS. PARTINGTON ON EDUCATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Partington</span>, after listening to the reading of an advertisement for +a young ladies' boarding school, said:</p> + +<p>"For my part, I can't deceive what on airth eddication is coming to. +When I was young, if a girl only understood the rules of distraction, +provision, multiplying, replenishing, and the common dominator, and knew +all about the rivers and their obituaries, the covenants and domitories, +the provinces and the umpires, they had eddication enough. But now they +are to study bottomy, algierbay, and have to demonstrate supposition of +sycophants of circuses, tangents and Diogenes and parallelogramy, to say +nothing about the oxhides, corostics, and abstruse triangles!" Thus +saying, the old lady leaned back in her chair, her knitting work fell in +her lap, and for some minutes she seemed in meditation.</p> + + + +<h3>OBEYING ORDERS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> General of the United States Army, supposing his favorite +horse dead, ordered an Irishman to go and skin him.</p> + +<p>"What! is Silver Tail dead?" asked Pat.</p> + +<p>"What is that to you?" said the officer, "do as I bid you, and ask me no +questions."</p> + +<p>Pat went about his business, and in about two hours returned.</p> + +<p>"Well, Pat, where have you been all this time?" asked the general.</p> + +<p>"Skinning your horse, your honor."</p> + +<p>"Did it take you two hours to perform the operation?"</p> + +<p>"No, your honor, but then you see it took me about half an hour to catch +the horse."</p> + +<p>"Catch him! Fires and furies—was he alive?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, your honor, and I could not skin him alive, you know."</p> + +<p>"Skin him alive! did you kill him?"</p> + +<p>"To be sure I did, your honor—and sure you know I must obey orders +without asking questions."</p> + + + +<h3>A REASON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">As</span> a nobleman was receiving from Louis XIII. the investiture of an +Ecclesiastical Order, and was saying, as is usual on that occasion, +<i>Domine, non sum dignus.</i>—"Lord, I am not worthy." "I know that well +enough," replied the king, "but I could not resist the importunity of my +cousin Cardinal Richelieu, who pressed me to give it you."</p> + + + +<h3>CANVASSING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> an election, a candidate solicited a vote.</p> + +<p>"I would rather vote for the devil than you," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"But in case your friend is not a candidate," said the solicitor, "might +I then count on your assistance?"</p> + + + +<h3>WIT OF AN IRISH JARVEY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> anecdote, illustrative of the wit of Irish "jarveys," is going the +rounds in Dublin. Mr. —— is a man of aldermanic proportions. He +chartered an outside car, t'other day, at Island Bridge Barrack, and +drove to the post-office. On arriving he tendered the driver sixpence, +which was strictly the fare, though but scant remuneration for the +distance. The jarvey saw at a glance the small coin, but in place of +taking the money which Mr. ——held in his hands, he busied himself +putting up the steps of the vehicle, and then, going to the well at the +back of the car, took thence a piece of carpeting, from which he shook +ostentatiously the dust, and straightway covered his horse's head with +it. After doing so he took the "fare" from the passenger, who, surprised +at the deliberation with which the jarvey had gone through the whole of +these proceedings, inquired, "Why did you cover the horse's head?" To +which the jarvey, with a humorous twinkle of his eye, and to the +infinite amusement of approving bystanders, replied, "Why did I cover +the horse's head? Is that what you want to know? Well, because I didn't +want to let the dacent baste see that he carried so big a load so far +for sixpence?" It should be added, in justice to the worthy citizen, +that a half crown immediately rewarded the witty jarvey for his ready +joke.</p> + + + +<h3>A CONSEQUENCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> complained that his apothecary had so stuffed him with +drugs, that he was <i>sick</i> for a fortnight after he was <i>quite well</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>A SEA CHAPLAIN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> captain of a man of war lost his chaplain. The first lieutenant, a +Scotchman, announced his death to his lordship, adding he was sorry to +inform him that the chaplain died a Roman Catholic. "Well, so much the +better," said his lordship. "Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of a +<i>British clergyman</i>?" "<i>Why, because I believe I am the first captain +that ever could boast of a chaplain who had any religion at all.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>THE MODEST BARRISTER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A counsel</span>, examining a very young lady, who was a witness in a case of +assault, asked her, if the person who was assaulted did not give the +defendant very ill language, and utter words so bad that he, the learned +counsel, had not <i>impudence</i> enough to repeat? She replied in the +affirmative. "Will you, Madam, be kind enough," said he, "to tell the +Court what these words were?" "Why, Sir," replied she, "if <i>you</i> have +not <i>impudence</i> enough to speak them, how can you suppose that <i>I</i> +have?"</p> + + + +<h3>A DISTINCTION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> came up one day to the keeper of the light-house near Plymouth, +which is a great curiosity. "I want to see the light-house," said the +lady. "It cannot be complied with," was the reply. "Do you know who I +am, Sir?" "No, Madam." "I am the Captain's <i>lady</i>." "<i>If you were his +wife, Madam, you could not see it without his order!</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>CONSEQUENCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A pragmatical</span> fellow, who travelled for a mercantile house in town, +entering an inn at Bristol, considered the traveling room beneath his +dignity, and required to be shown to a private apartment; while he was +taking refreshment, the good hostess and her maid were elsewhere +discussing the point, as to what class their customer belonged. At +length the bill was called for, and the charges declared to be enormous. +"Sixpence for an egg! I never paid such a price since I traveled for the +house!" "There!" exclaimed the girl, "I told my mistress I was sure, +Sir, that you was no gentleman."</p> + +<p>Another gentleman going into a tavern on the Strand, called for a glass +of brandy and water, with an air of great consequence, and after +drinking it off, inquired what was to pay? "Fifteen pence, Sir," said +the waiter. "Fifteen pence! fellow, why that is downright imposition: +call your master." The master appeared, and the guest was remonstrating, +when "mine host" stopped him short, by saying, "Sir, fifteen pence is +the price we charge to gentlemen; if any persons not entitled to that +character trouble us, we take what they can afford, and are glad to get +rid of them."</p> + + + +<h3>PROOF OF CIVILIZATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> who had resided some time on the coast of Africa, was asked if +he thought it possible to civilize the natives? "As a proof of the +possibility of it," said he, "I have known negroes who thought as little +of a <i>lie</i> or an <i>oath</i> as any European whatever."</p> + + + +<h3>MAN AND BEAST.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">"I and</span> Disraeli put up at the same tavern last night," said a dandified +snob, the other day. "It must have been a house of accommodation then +for man and beast," replied a bystander.</p> + + + +<h3>SATISFACTORY PROOF.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A noble</span>, but not a learned lord, having been suspected to be the author +of a very severe but well written pamphlet against a gentleman high in +office, he sent him a challenge. His lordship professed his innocence, +assuring the gentleman that he was not the author; but the other would +not be satisfied without a denial under his hand. My lord therefore took +the pen and began, "<i>This is to scratify, that the buk called the ——</i>" +"Oh, my lord!" said the gentleman, "I am perfectly satisfied that your +lordship did not write the book."</p> + + + +<h3>LANGUAGES CHARACTERIZED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Charles V.</span>, speaking of the different languages of Europe, thus +described them: "The <i>French</i> is the best language to speak to one's +friend—the <i>Italian</i> to one's mistress—the <i>English</i> to the +people—the <i>Spanish</i> to God—and the <i>German</i> to a horse."</p> + + + +<h3>CON. OF THE SILVER FORK SCHOOL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Why</span> is a man eating soup with a fork like another kissing his +sweetheart? Do you give it up?</p> + +<p>Because it takes so long to get enough of it.</p> + + + +<h3>DOG-FANCYING; OR INJURED INNOCENCE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Bob Pickering</span>, short, squat, and squinting, with a yellow "wipe" round +his "squeeze," was put to the bar on violent suspicion of dog-stealing.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Davis</i>, Silk-mercer, Dover-street, Piccadilly, said:—About an hour +before he entered the office, while sitting in his parlor, he heard a +loud barking noise, which he was convinced was made by a favorite little +dog, his property. He went out, and in the passage caught the prisoner +in the act of conveying it into the street in his arms.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Dyer:</i> What have you to say? You are charged with attempting to +steal the dog.</p> + +<p><i>Prisoner:</i> (<i>affecting a look of astonishment</i>)—Vot, me <i>steal</i> a dog? +Vy, I'm ready and villing to take my solomon hoth 'at I'm hinnocent of +sitch an hadwenture. Here's the <i>factotal</i> of the consarn as I'm a +honest man. I vos a coming along Hoxfud-street, ven I seed this here +poor dumb hanimal a running about vith not nobody arter him, and a +looking jest as if he vas complete lost. Vhile I vos in this here +sittivation, a perfect gentleman comes up to me, and says he, "Vot a +cussed shame," says he, "that 'ere handsome young dog should be vithout +a nateral pertectur! I'm blow'd, young man," says he, "if I vos you if I +vouldn't pick it up and prewent the wehicles from a hurting on it; and," +says he, "I'd adwise you, 'cause you looks so <i>werry honest</i> and so +werry respectable, to take pity on the poor dumb dog and go and buy it a +ha'porth of wittles." Vell, my lord, you see I naterally complied vith +his demand, and vos valking avay vith it for to look for a prime bit of +<i>bowwow</i> grub, ven up comes this here good gentleman, and vants to +swear as how I vos arter <i>prigging</i> on it!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Dyer:</i> How do you get your living?</p> + +<p><i>Prisoner:</i> Vorks along vith my father and mother—and lives vith my +relations wot's perticler respectable.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Dyer:</i> Policeman, do you know anything of the prisoner?</p> + +<p><i>Policeman:</i> The prisoner's three brothers were transported last +session, and his mother and father are now in Clerkenwell. The prisoner +has been a dog-stealer for years.</p> + +<p><i>Prisoner:</i> Take care vot you say—if you proves your vords, vy my +carrecter vill be hingered, and I'm blowed if you shan't get a "little +vun in" ven I comes out of <i>quod</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Dyer:</i> What is the worth of the dog?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Davis:</i> It is worth five pounds, as it is of a valuable breed.</p> + +<p><i>Prisoner:</i> There, your vership, you hear it's a waluable dog—now is it +feasible as I should go for to prig a dog wot was a waluable hanimal?</p> + +<p>The magistrate appeared to think such an occurrence not at all unlikely, +as he committed him to prison for three months.</p> + + + +<h3>A SCOTCHMAN'S CONSOLATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Scotchman</span> who put up at an inn, was asked in the morning how he slept. +"Troth, man," replied Donald, "no very weel either, but I was muckle +better aff than the bugs, for deil a ane o' them closed an e'e the hale +nicht."</p> + + + +<h3>THE COALHEAVER AND THE FINE ARTS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Small-made man</span>, with a carefully cultivated pair of carroty-colored +mustaches, whose style of seedy toggery presented a tolerably good +imitation of a "Polish militaire," came before the commissioners to +establish his legal right to fifteen pence, the price charged for a +whole-length likeness of one <i>Mister</i> Robert White, a member of the +"black and thirsty" fraternity of coalheavers.</p> + +<p>The complainant called himself Signor Johannes Benesontagi, but from all +the genuine characteristics of Cockayne which he carried about him, it +was quite evident he had Germanized his patronymic of John Benson to +suit the present judicious taste of the "pensive public."</p> + +<p>Signor Benesontagi, a peripatetic professor of the "fine arts," it +appeared was accustomed to visit public-houses for the purpose of +caricaturing the countenances of the company, at prices varying from +five to fifteen pence. In pursuit of his vocation he stepped into the +"Vulcan's Head," where a conclave of coalheavers were accustomed nightly +to assemble, with the double view of discussing politics and pots of +Barclay's entire. He announced the nature of his profession, and having +solicited patronage, he was beckoned into the box where the defendant +was sitting, and was offered a shilling for a <i>full-length</i> likeness. +This sum the defendant consented to enlarge to fifteen pence, provided +the artist would agree to draw him in "full fig:"—red velvet +smalls—nankeen gaiters—sky-blue waistcoat—canary wipe—and +full-bottomed fantail. The bargain was struck and the picture finished, +but when presented to the sitter, he swore "he'd see the man's back +<i>open and shet</i> afore he'd pay the wally of a farden piece for sitch a +reg'lar 'snob' as he was made to appear in the portrait."</p> + +<p>The defendant was hereupon required to state why he refused to abide by +the agreement.</p> + +<p>"Vy, my lords and gemmen," said Coaly, "my reasons is this here. That +'ere covey comes into the crib vhere I vos a sitting blowing a cloud +behind a drop of heavy, and axes me if as how I'd have my picter draw'd. +Vell, my lords, being a little 'lumpy,' and thinking sitch a consarn +vould please my Sall, I told him as I'd stand a 'bob,' and be my pot to +his'n, perwising as he'd shove me on a pair of prime welwet breeches wot +I'd got at home to vear a Sundays. He said he vould, and 'at it should +be a 'nout-a-nout' job for he'd larnt to draw <i>phisogomony</i> under <i>Sir +Peter Laurie</i>."</p> + +<p>"It's false!" said the complainant, "the brother artist I named was Sir +Thomas Lawrence."</p> + +<p>"Vere's the difference?" asked the coalheaver. "So, my lords, this here +persecutor goes to vork like a Briton, and claps this here thingamy in +my fist, vich ain't not a bit like me, but a blessed deal more likerer a +<i>bull with a belly-ache</i>." (<i>Laughter.</i>)</p> + +<p>The defendant pulled out a card and handed it to the bench. On +inspection it was certainly a monstrous production, but it did present +an ugly likeness of the coalheaver. The commissioners were unanimously +of opinion it was a good fifteen-penny copy of the defendant's +countenance.</p> + +<p>"'Taint a bit like me?" said the defendant, angrily. "Vy, lookee here, +he's draw'd me vith a <i>bunch of ingans</i> a sticking out of my pocket. +I'm werry fond of sitch wegetables, but I never carries none in my +pockets."</p> + +<p>"A bunch of onions!" replied the incensed artist—"I'll submit it to any +gentleman who is a <i>real</i> judge of the 'fine arts,' whether that +(<i>pointing to the appendage</i>) can be taken for any thing else than the +gentleman's <i>watch-seals</i>."</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the coalheaver; "my votch-seals! Come, that's a +good 'un—I never vore no votch-seals, 'cause I never had none—so the +pictur can't be <i>like</i> me."</p> + +<p>The commissioners admitted the premises, but denied the conclusion; and +being of opinion that the artist had made out his claim, awarded the sum +sought, and costs.</p> + +<p>The defendant laid down six shillings one by one with the air of a man +undergoing the operation of having so many teeth extracted, and taking +up his picture, consoled himself by saying, that "pr'aps his foreman, +Bill Jones, vould buy it, as he had the luck of vearing a votch on +Sundays."</p> + + + +<h3>RETORT COURTEOUS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after Whitefield landed in Boston, on his second visit to this +country, he and Dr. Chauncey met in the street, and, touching their hats +with courteous dignity, bowed to each other. "So you have returned, Mr. +Whitefield, have you?" He replied, "Yes, Reverend Sir, in the service of +the Lord." "I am sorry to hear it," said Chauncey. "So is the Devil!" +was the answer given, as the two divines, stepping aside at a distance +from each other, touched their hats and passed on.</p> + + + +<h3>TEACH YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO SUCK AN EGG.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> see, grandma, we perforate an aperture in the apex, and a +corresponding aperture in the base; and by applying the egg to the lips, +and forcibly inhaling the breath, the shell is entirely discharged of +its contents."</p> + +<p>"Bless my soul," cried the old lady, "what wonderful improvements they +do make! Now in my young days we just made a hole in each end and +sucked."</p> + + + +<h3>ACCOMMODATING BOARDER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> landlord of an hotel at Brighton entered, in an angry mood, the +sleeping apartment of a boarder, and said, "Now, Sir, I want you to pay +your bill, and you <i>must</i>. I've asked you for it often enough; and I +tell you now, that you don't leave my house till you pay it!" "Good!" +said his lodger; "just put that in writing; make a regular agreement of +it; I'll stay with you as long as I live!"</p> + + + +<h3>ACCOMMODATING COOK.</h3> + + +<p><i>Mistress:</i> "I think, cook, we must part this day month."</p> + +<p><i>Cook:</i> (in astonishment)—"Why, ma'am? I am sure I've let you 'ave your +own way in most everything?"</p> + + + +<h3>GOOD SHOT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A son</span> of Erin, while hunting for rabbits, came across a jackass in the +woods, and shot him.</p> + +<p>"By me soul and St. Patrick," he exclaimed, "I've shot the father of all +the rabbits."</p> + + + +<h3>BILLINGSGATE RHETORIC.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> action in the Court of Common Pleas, in 1794, between two +Billingsgate fishwomen, afforded two junior Barristers an opportunity of +displaying much small wit.</p> + +<p>The counsel for the plaintiff stated, that his client, Mrs. Isaacs, +labored in the humble, but honest vocation of a fishwoman, and that +while she was at Billingsgate market, making those purchases, which were +afterwards to furnish dainty meals to her customers, the defendant Davis +grossly insulted her, and in the presence of the whole market people, +called her a thief, and another, if possible, still more opprobrious +epithet. The learned counsel expatiated at considerable length on the +value and importance of character, and the contempt, misery, and ruin, +consequent upon the loss of it. "Character, my lord," continued he, "is +as dear to a fishwoman, as it is to a duchess. If 'the little worm we +tread on feels a pang as great as when a giant dies;' if the vital +faculties of a sprat are equal to those of a whale; why may not the +feelings of an humble retailer of 'live cod,' and 'dainty fresh salmon,' +be as acute as those of the highest rank in society?" Another +aggravation of this case, the learned counsel said, was, that his client +was an <i>Old Maid</i>; with what indignation, then, must she hear that foul +word applied to her, used by the Moor of Venice to his wife? His client +was not vindictive, and only sought to rescue her character, and be +restored to that <i>place</i> in society she had so long maintained.</p> + +<p>The Judge inquired if that was the <i>sole</i> object of the plaintiff, or +was it not rather baiting with a <i>sprat</i> to catch a <i>herring</i>?</p> + +<p>Two witnesses proved the words used by the defendant.</p> + +<p>The counsel for the defendant said, his learned brother on the opposite +side had been <i>floundering</i> for some time, and he could not but think +that Mrs. Isaacs was a <i>flat fish</i> to come into court with such an +action. This was the first time he had ever heard of a fishwoman +complaining of abuse. The action originated at Billingsgate, and the +words spoken (for he would not deny that they had been used) were +nothing more than the customary language, the <i>lex non scripta</i>, by +which all disputes were settled at that place. If the court were to sit +for the purpose of reforming the language at Billingsgate, the sittings +would be interminable, actions would be as plentiful as mackerel at +midsummer, and the Billingsgate fishwomen would oftener have a new suit +at Guildhall, than on their backs. Under these circumstances, the +learned counsel called on the jury to reduce the damages to a <i>shrimp</i>.</p> + +<p>Verdict. Damages, <i>One Penny</i>.</p> + + + +<h3>HANG TOGETHER OR HANG SEPARATELY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Richard Penn</span>, one of the proprietors, and of all the governors of +Pennsylvania, under the old régime, probably the most deservedly +popular,—in the commencement of the revolution, (his brother John being +at that time governor,) was on the most familiar and intimate terms with +a number of the most decided and influential whigs; and, on a certain +occasion, being in company with several of them, a member of Congress +observed, that such was the crisis, "they must all <i>hang together</i>." "If +you do not, gentlemen," said Mr. Penn, "I can tell you, that you will be +very apt to <i>hang separately</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>WEBSTER MATCHED BY A WOMAN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the somewhat famous case of Mrs. Bogden's will, which was tried in +the Supreme Court some years ago, Mr. Webster appeared as counselor for +the appellant. Mrs. Greenough, wife of Rev. William Greenough, late of +West Newton, a tall, straight, queenly-looking woman with a keen black +eye—a woman of great self-possession and decision of character, was +called to the stand as a witness on the opposite side from Mr. Webster. +Webster, at a glance, had the sagacity to foresee that her testimony, if +it contained anything of importance, would have great weight with the +court and jury. He therefore resolved, if possible, to break her up. And +when she answered to the first question put to her, "I believe—" +Webster roared out:</p> + +<p>"We don't want to hear what you believe; we want to hear what you know!"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Greenough replied, "That is just what I was about to say, Sir," and +went on with her testimony.</p> + +<p>And notwithstanding his repeated efforts to disconcert her, she pursued +the even tenor of her way, until Webster, becoming quite fearful of the +result, arose apparently in great agitation, and drawing out his large +snuff-box thrust his thumb and finger to the very bottom, and carrying +the deep pinch to both nostrils, drew it up with a gusto; and then +extracting from his pocket a very large handkerchief, which flowed to +his feet as he brought it to the front, he blew his nose with a report +that rang distinct and loud through the crowded hall.</p> + +<p><i>Webster:</i> Mrs. Greenough, was Mrs. Bogden a neat woman?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Greenough:</i> I cannot give you very full information as to that, +Sir; she had one very dirty trick.</p> + +<p><i>Webster:</i> What was that, Ma'am?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Greenough:</i> She took snuff!</p> + +<p>The roar of the court-house was such that the future defender of the +Constitution subsided, and neither rose nor spoke again until after Mrs. +Greenough had vacated her chair for another witness—having ample time +to reflect upon the inglorious history of the man who had a stone thrown +on his head by a woman.</p> + + + +<h3>A TEMPERANCE LECTURE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Daddy</span>, I want to ask you a question." "Well, my son." "Why is neighbor +Smith's liquor shop like a counterfeit dollar?" "I can't tell, my son." +"Because you can't pass it," said the boy.</p> + + + +<h3>A DARNED SUBJECT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A female</span> writer says, "Nothing looks worse on a lady than darned +stockings." Allow us to observe that stockings which <i>need darning</i> look +much worse than darned ones—Darned if they don't!</p> + + + +<h3>GO IT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is astonishing how "toddy" promotes independence. A Philadelphia old +"brick," lying, a day or two since, in the gutter in a very spiritual +manner, was advised in a friendly way to economize, as "flour was going +up." "Let it go up," said old bottlenose, "I kin git as 'high' as flour +kin—any day."</p> + + + +<h3>TAPPING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> in the Highlands of Scotland was attacked with a dropsy, +brought on by a too zealous attachment to his bottle; and it gained upon +him, at length, to such a degree, that he found it necessary to abstain +entirely from all spirituous liquors. Yet though discharged from +drinking himself, he was not hindered from making a bowl of punch to his +friends. He was sitting at this employment, when his physicians, who had +been consulting in an adjoining room, came in to tell him, that they had +just come to a resolution to tap him. "You may tap me as you please," +said the old gentleman, "but ne'er a thing was ever tapped in my house +that lasted long."</p> + +<p>The saying was but too true, he was tapped that evening, and died the +next day.</p> + + + +<h3>DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A few</span> weeks ago a "sporting character" <i>looked in</i> at the Hygeia Hotel, +just to see if he could fall in with any subjects, but finding none, and +understanding from the respectful proprietor, Mr. Parks, that he could +not be accommodated with a private room wherein to exercise the +mysteries of his craft, he felt the time begin to hang heavy on his +hands; so in order to dispel <i>ennui</i> he took out a pack of cards and +began to amuse the by-standers in the bar-room with a number of +ingenious tricks with them, which soon drew a crowd around him. "Now," +said he, after giving them a good shuffle and slapping the pack down +upon the table, "I'll bet any man ten dollars I can cut the Jack of +hearts at the first attempt." Nobody seemed inclined to take him up, +however, till at last a weather-beaten New England skipper, in a +pea-jacket, stumped him by exclaiming, "Darned if I don't bet you! But +stop; let me see if all's right." Then taking up and inspecting it, as +if to see that there was no deception in it, he returned it to the +table, and began to fumble about in a side pocket, first taking out a +jack-knife, then a twist of tobacco, &c., till he produced a roll of +bank notes, from which he took one of $10 and handed it to a by-stander; +the gambler did the same, and taking out a pen-knife, and literally +cutting the pack in two through the middle, turned with an air of +triumph to the company, and demanded if he had not <i>cut</i> the Jack of +hearts. "No, I'll be darned if you have!" bawled out Jonathan, "for here +it is, safe and sound." At the same time producing the card from his +pocket, whither he had dexterously conveyed it while pretending to +examine the pack, to see if it was "all right." The company were +convulsed with laughter, while the poor "child of chance" was fain to +confess that "<i>it was hard getting to windward of a Yankee.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>A HIGH AUTHORITY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Curran</span> was once engaged in a legal argument; behind him stood his +colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably tall and slender, and +who had originally intended to take orders. The Judge observing that the +case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law; "Then," +said Curran, "I can refer your lordship to a <i>high</i> authority behind me, +who was once intended for the church, though in my opinion he was fitter +for the steeple."</p> + + + +<h3>MISTAKEN THIS TIME.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Col. Moore</span>, a veteran politician of the Old Dominion, was a most +pleasant and affable gentleman, and a great lisper withal. He was known +by a great many, and professed to know many more; but a story is told of +him in which he failed to convince either himself or the stranger of +their previous acquaintance. All things to all men, he met a countryman, +one morning, and in his usual hearty manner stopped and shook hands with +him, saying—</p> + +<p>"Why, how <i>do</i> you do, thir? am very glad to thee you; a fine day, thir, +I thee you thill ride the old gray, thir."</p> + +<p>"No, Sir, this horse is one I borrowed this morning."</p> + +<p>"Oh! ah! Well, thir, how are the old gentleman and lady?"</p> + +<p>"My parents have been dead about three years, Sir!"</p> + +<p>"But how ith your wife, thir, and the children?"</p> + +<p>"I am an unmarried man, Sir."</p> + +<p>"Thure enough. Do you thill live on the old farm?"</p> + +<p>"No, Sir; I've just arrived from Ohio, where I was born."</p> + +<p>"Well, thir, I gueth I don't know you after all. Good morning, thir."</p> + + + +<h3>ONE OF THE BOYS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Neighbor</span> T—— had a social party at his house a few evenings since, and +the "dear boy," Charles, a five-year old colt, was favored with +permission to be seen in the parlor.</p> + +<p>"Pa" is somewhat proud of his boy, and Charles was of course elaborately +gotten up for so great an occasion. Among other extras, the little +fellow's hair was treated to a liberal supply of eau de cologne, to his +huge gratification. As he entered the parlor, and made his bow to the +ladies and gentlemen—</p> + +<p>"Lookee here," said he proudly, "if any one of you smells a smell, +that's <i>me</i>!"</p> + +<p>The effect was decided, and Charles, having thus in one brief sentence +delivered an illustrative essay on human vanity, was the hero of the +evening.</p> + + + +<h3>BOY ALL OVER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A distinguished</span> lawyer says, that in his young days, he taught a boy's +school, and the pupils wrote compositions; he sometimes received some of +a peculiar sort. The following are specimens:</p> + +<p>"<i>On Industry.</i>—It is bad for a man to be <i>idol</i>. Industry is the best +thing a man can have, and a wife is the next. Prophets and kings desired +it long, and without the site. Finis."</p> + +<p>"<i>On the Seasons.</i>—There is four seasons, Spring, Summer, Autumn, and +Winter. They are all pleasant. Some people may like the Spring best, but +as for me,—give me liberty, or give me death. The End."—<i>Olive +Branch.</i></p> + + + +<h3>PREPARATION FOR DINING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish housemaid who was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, found him +engaged in using a tooth-brush. "Well, is he coming?" said the lady of +the house, as the servant returned. "Yes, Ma'am, directly," was the +reply; "he's just sharpening his teeth."</p> + + + +<h3>POETRY AND PRIGGING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Between poets</span> and prigs, though seemingly "wide as the poles asunder" in +character, a strong analogy exists—and that list of "petty larceny +rogues" would certainly be incomplete, which did not include the +Parnassian professor. The difference, however, between Prigs and Poets +appears to be—that the former hold the well-known maxim of "Honor among +thieves" in reverence, and steal only from the public, while the latter, +less scrupulous, steal unblushingly from one another. This truth is as +old as Homer, and its proofs are as capable of demonstration as a +mathematical axiom. Should the alliance between the two professions be +questioned, the following case will justify our assertion.</p> + +<p>Mike Smith, a ragged urchin, who, though hardly able to peep over a +police bar, has been in custody more than a dozen times for petty +thefts, was charged by William King, an industrious cobbler and +ginger-beer merchant, with having stolen a bottle of "ginger-pop" from +his stall.</p> + +<p>The prosecutor declared the neighborhood in which his stall was +situated—that more than Cretan Labyrinth called the "Dials"—was so +infested with "young <i>warmint</i>" that he found it utterly impossible to +turn one honest penny by his ginger-pop, for if his eyes were off his +board for an instant, the young brigands who were eternally on the +look-out, took immediate advantage of the circumstance, and on his next +inspection, he was sure to discover that a bottle or two had vanished. +While busily employed on a pair of boots that morning, he happened to +cast his eyes where the ginger-pop stood, when, to his very great +astonishment, he saw a bottle move off the board just for all the world +as if it had possessed the power of locomotion. A second was about to +follow the first, when he popped his head out at the door and the +mystery was cleared up, for there he discovered the young delinquent +making a rapid retreat on all-fours, with the "ginger-pop," the cork of +which had flown out, fizzing from his breeches-pocket. After a smart +administration of the strappado, he proceeded to examine the contents of +his pinafore, which was bundled round him. This led to the discovery +that the young urchin had been on a most successful forage for a dinner +that morning. He had a delicate piece of pickled pork, a couple of eggs, +half a loaf, part of a carrot, a china basin, and the lid of a teapot; +all of which, on being closely pressed, he admitted were the result of +his morning's legerdemain labor.</p> + +<p>Mr. Dyer inquired into the parentage of the boy, and finding that they +were quite unable, as well as unwilling, to keep him from the streets, +ordered that he should be detained for the present.</p> + +<p>The boy when removed to the lock-up room—a place which familiarity with +had taught him to regard with indifference—amused himself by giving +vent to a poetical inspiration in the following admonitory distich, +which he scratched on the wall:</p> + +<p class="poem"> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Him as prigs wot isn't <i>his'n</i>—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Ven he's cotched—vill go to <i>pris'n</i>."</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<h3>NAUTICAL SERMON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Whitefield preached before the seamen at New York, he had the +following bold apostrophe in his sermon:</p> + +<p>"Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a +smooth sea, before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. +But what means this sudden lowering of the heavens, and that dark cloud +arising from beneath the western horizon? Hark! Don't you hear distant +thunder? Don't you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm +gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against +the ship! The air is dark! The tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The +ship is on her beam ends! What next?"</p> + +<p>It is said that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the +deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose with united voices and +minds, and exclaimed, "<i>Take to the long boat.</i>"</p> + + + +<h3>BREVET MAJOR.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span> having given a grand party, his tailor was among the company, +and was thus addressed by his lordship: "My dear Sir, I remember your +face, but I forget your name." The tailor whispered in a low tone—"I +made your breeches." The nobleman, taking him by the hand, +exclaimed—"Major Breeches, I am happy to see you."</p> + + + +<h3>ADVERTIZING HIGH.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A tipsy</span> loafer mistook a globe lamp with letters on it, for the queen of +night: "I'm blessed," said he, "if somebody haint stuck an advertisement +on the moon!"</p> + + + +<h3>COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Governor S——</span> was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of their +seven senses. He was especially noted for his success in criminal cases, +almost always clearing his client. He was once counsel for a man accused +of horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. The +jury retired, but returned in a few moments, and, with tears in their +eyes, proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up to +the prisoner and said:</p> + +<p>"Jim, the danger is past; and now, honor bright, didn't you steal that +horse?"</p> + +<p>"Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took that horse; but since I've +heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did!"</p> + + + +<h3>LARGE SNAKE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Indian came to a certain "agency," in the northern part of Iowa, to +procure some whiskey for a young warrior that had been bitten with a +rattlesnake. At first the agent did not credit the story, but the +earnestness of the Indian, and the urgency of the case, overcame his +scruples, and turning to get the liquor, he asked the Indian how much he +wanted.</p> + +<p>"Four quarts," answered the Indian.</p> + +<p>"Four quarts?" asked the agent in surprise; "so much as that?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied the Indian, speaking through his set teeth, and frowning +as savagely as though about to wage war against the snake tribe, "four +quarts—<i>snake very big</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>DANGERS OF DUSTING; OR, MORE BEAUTIES OF MODERN LEGISLATION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Bob Smith</span> and Bill Davis, a couple of boys in the full costume of the +"order" chummy, were charged with the high crime and misdemeanor of +having attempted to violate that portion of the British Constitution, +contained in the act relating to the removal of rubbish, by carrying off +a portion of the contents of Lord Derby's dusthole, the property of the +dust contractor.</p> + +<p>"Please your lordship's grace," said the dust contractor's deputy, +"master and me has lately lost a hunaccountable lot o' dust off our +beat, and as ve nat'rally know'd 'at it couldn't have vanished if no +body had a prigged it, vy consekvent<i>lye</i> I keeps a look out for them +'ere unlegal covies vot goes out a dusting on the <i>cross</i>. Vhile I vos +out in Growener-skvare, I saw'd both these here two young criminals slip +down his lordship's airy and begin a shoveling his lordship's stuff into +von of their sackses. I drops on 'em in the werry hidentikle hact, and +collers both on 'em vith master's property."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Conant:</i> You hear the charge, my lads—what have you to say in +defence?</p> + +<p><i>Smith:</i> Ve vorks for the house, my lud.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Conant:</i> Is it your business to take away the dust?</p> + +<p><i>Smith:</i> No, my lud—ve're the rig'lar chimbly sveeps vot sveeps his +ludship's chimblys. Both on us call'd on his ludship to arsk if his +ludship's chimblys vonted sveeping—and ve larnt that they didn't; so, +my lud, as ve happened to see a lady sifting cinders in his ludship's +airy, ve arks'd her if she could be so werry hobliging as to let us have +a shovelful. She granted our demand vith the greatest perliteness, and +jest as ve vos about to cut our sticks, that there chap comes up and +lugs us avay to this here hoffice.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Conant:</i> The case is proved, and the act says you must be fined +10<i>l.</i> Have you got 10<i>l.</i> a-piece?</p> + +<p><i>Smith:</i> (<i>grinning from ear to ear</i>)—Me got ten <i>pounds!</i> I should +like to see a cove vot ever had sitch a precious sum <i>all at vonce</i>. All +as ever I got is threeha'pence-farden, and a bag of marbles; (<i>to the +other</i>)—you got any capital, Bill?</p> + +<p><i>Bill:</i> Ain't got nuffin—spent my last <i>brown</i> on Vensday for a baked +tater.</p> + +<p>Mr. Conant looked over the act with a view of ascertaining if power had +been granted to mitigate; but the legislature had so carefully provided +for the enormity of the offence, that nothing less than the full penalty +would, according to the act, satisfy the justice of the case.</p> + +<p>The fine of 10<i>l.</i> each was imposed, or ten days' imprisonment.</p> + + + +<h3>ARBOREAL.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A rather</span> foolish man of great wealth, was asked one day, if he had his +genealogical tree.</p> + +<p>"I don't know," he replied; "I have a great many trees, and I dare say I +have that one. I will ask my gardener."</p> + + + +<h3>EXPLICIT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> an Irish provincial journal there is an advertisement running thus:—</p> + +<p>"Wanted—a handy laborer, who can plow a married man and a Protestant, +with a son or daughter."</p> + + + +<h3>BAD COUGH.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Friend</span> of ours was traveling lately, while afflicted with a very bad +cough. He annoyed his fellow travelers greatly, till finally one of them +remarked in a tone of displeasure—</p> + +<p>"Sir, that is a very bad cough of yours."</p> + +<p>"True, Sir," replied our friend, "but you will excuse me—it's the best +I've got."</p> + + + +<h3>JUSTICE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Workman</span>, who was mounted on a high scaffold to repair a town clock, +fell from his elevated station, upon a man who was passing. The workman +escaped unhurt, but the man upon whom he fell, died. The brother of the +deceased accused the workman of murder, had him arrested, and brought to +trial. He pursued him with the utmost malignity, and would not admit a +word in his defence. At length the judge, provoked at his unfounded +hostility, gave the following judgment:</p> + +<p>"Let the accused stand in the same spot whereon the dead man stood, and +let the brother mount the scaffold, to the workman's old place and fall +upon him. Thus will justice be satisfied."</p> + +<p>The brother withdrew his suit.</p> + + + +<h3>POSTHUMOUS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish student was once asked what was meant by posthumous works. +"They are such works," says the Paddy, "as a man writes after he is +dead."</p> + + + +<h3>AN INSTANCE OF REMARKABLE COOLNESS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Knickerbocker</span> Magazine picks up a good many good things. In the December +number we find a story which runs thus:—"Judge B., of New Haven, is a +talented lawyer and a great wag. He has a son, Sam, a graceless wight, +witty, and, like his father fond of mint juleps and other palatable +"fluids." The father and son were on a visit to Niagara Falls. Each was +anxious to "take a nip," but (one for example, and the other in dread of +hurting the old man's feelings) equally unwilling to drink in the +presence of the other. "Sam," said the Judge, "I'll take a short +walk—be back shortly." "All right," replied Sam, and after seeing the +old gentleman safely around the corner, he walked out quickly, and +ordered a julep at a bar-room. While <i>in concocto</i>, the Judge entered, +and (Sam just then being back of a newspaper, and consequently viewing, +though viewless,) ordered a julep. The second was compounded, and the +Judge was just adjusting his tube for a cooling draught, when Sam +stepped up, and taking up his glass, requested the bar-tender to take +his pay for both juleps from the bill the old gentleman had handed out +to him! The surprise of the Judge was only equalled by his admiration +for his son's coolness; and he exclaimed, "Sam! Sam!—you need no julep +to cool <i>you</i>!" Sam "allowed" that he didn't."</p> + + + +<h3>LIBERALITY.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Please</span>, Sir," said a little beggar girl to her charitable patron, "you +have given me a bad sixpence." "Never mind," was the reply, "you may +keep it for your honesty."</p> + + + +<h3>PEDANTRY REPROVED.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A young man</span>, who was a student in one of our colleges, being very vain +of his knowledge of the Latin language, embraced every opportunity that +offered, to utter short sentences in Latin before his more illiterate +companions. An uncle of his, who was a seafaring man, having just +arrived from a long voyage, invited his nephew to visit him on board of +the ship. The young gentleman went on board, and was highly pleased with +everything he saw. Wishing to give his uncle an idea of his superior +knowledge, he tapped him on the shoulder, and pointing to the windlass, +asked, "Quid est hoc?" His uncle, being a man who despised such vanity, +took a chew of tobacco from his mouth, and throwing it in his nephew's +face, replied, "Hoc est <i>quid</i>."</p> + + + +<h3>BON MOT.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Bethel</span>, an Irish counselor, as celebrated for his wit as his +practice, was once robbed of a suit of clothes in rather an +extraordinary manner. Meeting, on the day after, a brother barrister in +the Hall of the Four Courts, the latter began to condole with him on his +misfortune, mingling some expressions of surprise at the singularity of +the thing. "It is extraordinary indeed, my dear friend," replied Bethel, +"for without vanity, it is the first <i>suit</i> I ever lost."</p> + + + +<h3>CAUSE OF GRIEF.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">An</span> affectionate wife lamenting over her sick husband, he bade her dry +her tears, for possibly he might recover. "Alas! my dear," said she, +"the thought of it makes me weep."</p> + + + +<h3>WHERE YOU OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span> who is in the habit of preaching in different parts of the +country, was not long since at an inn, where he observed a horse jockey +trying to take in a simple gentleman, by imposing upon him a +broken-winded horse for a sound one. The parson knew the bad character +of the jockey, and taking the gentleman aside, told him to be cautious +of the person he was dealing with. The gentleman finally declined the +purchase, and the jockey, quite nettled, observed—"Parson, I had much +rather hear you preach, than see you privately interfere in bargains +between man and man, in this way." "Well," replied the parson, "if you +had been where you ought to have been, last Sunday, you might have heard +me preach." "Where was that?" inquired the jockey. "In the State +Prison," returned the clergyman.</p> + + + +<h3>COUNSEL AND WITNESS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> who was severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, was +repeatedly asked if he did not lodge in the verge of the court; at +length he answered that he did. "And pray, Sir," said the counsel, "for +what reason did you take up your residence in that place?" "To avoid the +rascally impertinence of <i>dunning</i>," answered the witness.</p> + + + +<h3>WORKING A PASSAGE.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A Paddy</span> applied to work his passage on a canal, and was employed to lead +the horses which drew the boat—on arriving at the place of destination, +he swore, "that he would sooner go on foot, than work his passage in +America."</p> + + + +<h3>TIMOTHY DEXTER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">According</span> to his own account, was born in Malden, Massachusetts. "I was +born," says he, (in his celebrated work, A Pikel for the Knowing Ones,) +"1747, Jan. 22; on this day in the morning, a great snow storm in the +signs of the seventh house; whilst Mars came forward, Jupiter stood by +to hold the candle. I was born to be a great man."</p> + +<p>Lord Dexter, after having served an apprenticeship to a leather dresser, +commenced business in Newburyport, where he married a widow, who owned a +house and a small piece of land; part of which, soon after the nuptials, +was converted into a shop and tan-yard.</p> + +<p>By application to his business, his property increased, and the purchase +of a large tract of land near Penobscot, together with an interest which +he bought in the Ohio Company's purchase, afforded him so much profit, +as to induce him to buy up Public Securities at forty cents on the +pound, which securities soon afterwards became worth twenty shillings on +the pound.</p> + +<p>His lordship at one time shipped a large quantity of <i>warming pans</i> to +the <i>West Indies</i>, where they were sold at a great advance on prime +cost, and used for molasses ladles. At another time, he purchased a +large quantity of <i>whalebone for ships' stays</i>,—the article rose in +value upon his hands, and he sold it to great advantage.</p> + +<p>Property now was no longer the object of his pursuit: but popularity +became the god of his idolatry. He was charitable to the poor, gave +large donations to religious societies, and rewarded those who wrote in +his praise.</p> + +<p>His lordship about this time acquired his peculiar taste for style and +splendor; and to enhance his own importance in the world, set up an +elegant equipage, and at great cost, adorned the front of his house with +numerous figures of illustrious personages.</p> + +<p>By his order, a tomb was dug under his summer-house in his garden, +during his life, which he mentions in "A Pikel for the Knowing Ones," in +the following ludicrous style:</p> + +<p>"Here will lie in this box the first lord in Americake, the first Lord +Dexter made by the voice of hampsher state my brave fellows Affirmed it +they give me the titel and so Let it gone for as much as it will fetch +it wonte give me Any breade but take from me the Contrary fourder I have +a grand toume in my garding at one of the grasses and the tempel of +Reason over the toume and my coffen made and all Ready In my hous panted +with white Lead inside and outside tuched with greane and bras trimings +Eight handels and a gold Lock: I have had one mock founrel it was so +solmon and there was so much Criing about 3000 spectators I say my hous +is Eaqal to any mansion house in twelve hundred miles and now for sale +for seven hundred pounds weight of Dollars by me</p> + +<p class="r smcap">Timothy Dexter."</p> + +<p>Lord Dexter believed in transmigration, sometimes; at others he was a +deist. He died on the 22d day of Oct. 1806, in the 60th year of his age.</p> + + + +<h3>TELEGRAPH.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A husband</span> telegraphed to his wife: "What have you got for breakfast, and +how is the baby?" The answer came back, "Buckwheat cakes and the +measles."</p> + + + +<h3>CONUNDRUMS.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">What</span> tune is that which ladies never call for? Why, the spit-toon.</p> + +<p>When is a lady's neck not a neck? When it is a little bare. (<i>bear!</i>)</p> + +<p>When is music like vegetables? When there are two <i>beats</i> to the +measure.</p> + +<p>Why was the elephant the last animal going into Noah's ark? Because he +waited for his trunk.</p> + +<p>Why is a poor horse greater than Napoleon? Because in him there are +<i>many</i> bony parts.</p> + + + +<h3>NEAT REPLY.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> wished a seat. A portly, handsome gentleman brought one and +seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," replied he, "I'm a +jeweller—I have just set the jewel." Could there have been anything +more gallant than that?</p> + + + +<h3>ON THE STUMP.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A speaker</span> at a stump meeting out West, declared that he knew no East, no +West, no North, no South.</p> + +<p>"Then," said a tipsy bystander, "you ought to go to school and larn your +geography."</p> + + + +<h3>LITERARY HUSBAND.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">I wish</span>," said a beautiful wife to her studious husband, "I wish I was a +book." "I wish you were—an <i>almanac</i>," replied her lord, "and then I +would get a new one every year." Just then the silk rustled.</p> + + + +<h3>ECONOMY.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Blast</span> your stingy old skin!" said a runner to a competitor, before a +whole depot full of bystanders: "I knew you when you used to hire your +children to go to bed without their suppers, and after they got to sleep +you'd go up and steal their pennies to hire 'em with again the next +night!"</p> + + + +<h3>A TRICK.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following story is told of a boy who was asked to take a jug and get +some beer for his father, who had spent all his money for strong drink. +"Give me the money, then, father," replied the son.</p> + +<p>"My son, any body can get the beer with money, but to get it without +money, that is a trick."</p> + +<p>So the boy took the jug and went out. Shortly he returned, and placing +the jug before his father, said, "Drink."</p> + +<p>"How can I drink, when there is no beer in the jug?"</p> + +<p>"To drink beer out of a jug," says the boy, "where there is beer, +anybody could do that; but to drink beer out of a jug where there is no +beer, that is a trick!"</p> + + + +<h3>QUICK TIME.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was one day arranging music for a young lady to whom he was +paying his addresses.</p> + +<p>"Pray, Miss D——," said he, "what time do you prefer?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," she replied carelessly, "any time will answer, but the quicker the +better."</p> + + + +<h3>STRONG AFFECTION.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a man who says he has been at evening parties out West, where +the boys and girls hug so hard that their sides cave in. He says he has +many of his own ribs broken that very way.</p> + + + +<h3>VERY AFFECTING.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A professional</span> beggar boy, some ten years of age, ignorant of the art of +reading, bought a card to put on his breast, and appeared in the public +streets as a "poor widow with eight small children."</p> + + + +<h3>HARD SHAVE.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Does</span> the razor take hold well?" inquired a darkey, who was shaving a +gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in +his eyes, "it takes hold first rate, but it don't let go worth a cent."</p> + + + +<h3>COULDN'T TELL HIS FATHER.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Cicero</span> was of low birth, and Metellus was the son of a licentious woman. +Metellus said to Cicero, "Dare you tell your father's name?" Cicero +replied, "Can your mother tell yours?"</p> + + + +<h3>A SAUCY DOCTOR.</h3> + + +<p>"Why, doctor," said a sick lady, "you give me the same medicine that you +are giving my husband. Why is that?" "All right," replied the doctor, +"what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander."</p> + + + +<h3>EXPOSING A PARSON.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">A minister</span> was one Sabbath examining a Sunday school in catechism before +the congregation. The usual question was put to the first girl, a +strapper, who usually assisted her father, who was a publican, in +waiting upon customers.</p> + +<p>"What is your name?"</p> + +<p>No reply.</p> + +<p>"What is your name?" he repeated,</p> + +<p>"None of your fun, Mr. Minister," said the girl; "you know my name well +enough. Don't you say when you come to our house on a night, 'Bet, bring +me some more ale?'"</p> + +<p>The congregation, forgetting the sacredness of the place, were in a +broad grin, and the parson looked daggers.</p> + + + +<h3>NATURAL HISTORY.</h3> + + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Papa</span>, can't I go to the zoologerical rooms to see the camomile fight +the rhy-no-sir-ee-hoss?" "Sartin, my son, but don't get your trowsers +torn. Strange, my dear, what a taste that boy has for nat'ral history. +No longer ago than yesterday he had a pair of Thomas-cats hanging by +their tails to the clothes line."</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of +Fun;, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ANECDOTES *** + +***** This file should be named 29419-h.htm or 29419-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/4/1/29419/ + +Produced by Chuck Greif, Patricia Ann Doyle Saumell and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/29419.txt b/29419.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd7fe8b --- /dev/null +++ b/29419.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13156 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun;, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun; + containing a collection of over one thousand of the most + laughable sayings and jokes of celebrated wits and + humorists. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 15, 2009 [EBook #29419] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ANECDOTES *** + + + + +Produced by Chuck Greif, Patricia Ann Doyle Saumell and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +THE + +BOOK OF ANECDOTES, + +AND + +BUDGET OF FUN; + +CONTAINING + +A COLLECTION OF OVER + +ONE THOUSAND + +OF THE MOST LAUGHABLE SAYINGS AND JOKES OF CELEBRATED WITS AND +HUMORISTS. + +PHILADELPHIA: +GEO. G. EVANS, PUBLISHER, +NO. 439 CHESTNUT STREET. +1860. + + +Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1859, by +G. G. EVANS +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of +Pennsylvania. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +NOTHING is so well calculated to preserve the healthful action of the +human system as a good, hearty laugh. It is with this indisputable and +important sanitary fact in view, that this collection of anecdotes has +been made. The principle in selecting each of them, has been, not to +inquire if it were odd, rare, curious, or remarkable; but if it were +really funny. Will the anecdote raise a laugh? That was the test +question. If the answer was "Yes," then it was accepted. If "No," then +it was rejected. + +Anything offensive to good taste, good manners, or good morals, was, of +course, out of the question. + + + + +BOOK OF ANECDOTES, + +AND + +BUDGET OF FUN + + + + +LORD MANSFIELD AND HIS COACHMAN. + + +THE following is an anecdote of the late Lord Mansfield, which his +lordship himself told from the bench:--He had turned off his coachman +for certain acts of peculation, not uncommon in this class of persons. +The fellow begged his lordship to give him a character. "What kind of +character can I give you?" says his lordship. "Oh, my lord, any +character your lordship pleases to give me, I shall most thankfully +receive." His lordship accordingly sat down and wrote as follows:--"The +bearer, John ----, has served me three years in the capacity of +coachman. He is an able driver, and a very sober man, I discharged him +because he cheated me."--(Signed) "MANSFIELD." John thanked his +lordship, and went off. A few mornings afterwards, when his lordship was +going through his lobby to step into his coach for Westminster Hall, a +man, in a very handsome livery, made him a low bow. To his surprise he +recognized his late coachman. "Why, John," says his lordship, "you seem +to have got an excellent place; how could you manage this with the +character I gave you?" "Oh! my lord," says John, "it was an exceeding +good character, and I am come to return you thanks for it; my new +master, on reading it, said, he observed your lordship recommended me as +an able driver and a sober man. 'These,' says he, 'are just the +qualities I want in a coachman; I observe his lordship adds he +discharged you because you cheated him. Hark you, sirrah,' says he, 'I'm +a Yorkshireman, and I'll defy you to cheat _me_.'" + + + + +A DISCLAIMER. + + +GENERAL ZAREMBA had a very long Polish name. The king having heard of +it, one day asked him good humouredly, "Pray, Zaremba, what is your +name?" The general repeated to him immediately the whole of his long +name. "Why," said the king, "the devil himself never had such a name." +"I should presume not, Sire," replied the general, "as he was _no +relation of mine_." + + + + +A CONSIDERATE DARKIE. + + +"CAESAR," said a planter to his negro, "climb up that tree and thin the +branches." The negro showed no disposition to comply, and being pressed +for a reason, answered: "Well, look heah, massa, if I go up dar and fall +down an' broke my neck, dat'll be a thousand dollars out of your pocket. +Now, why don't you hire an Irishman to go up, and den if _he_ falls and +kills himself, dar won't be no loss to nobody?" + + + + +OCULAR DEMONSTRATION. + + +MR. NEWMAN is a famous New England singing-master; _i. e._, a teacher of +vocal music in the rural districts. Stopping over night at the house of +a simple minded old lady, whose grandson and pet, Enoch, was a pupil of +Mr. Newman, he was asked by the lady how Enoch was getting on. He gave a +rather poor account of the boy, and asked his grandmother if she thought +Enoch had any ear for music. + +"Wa'al," said the old woman, "I raaly don't know; won't you just take +the candle and see?" + + + + +A SUFFICIENT REASON. + + +THERE was once a clergyman in New Hampshire, noted for his long sermons +and indolent habits. "How is it," said a man to his neighbour, "Parson +----, the laziest man living, writes these interminable sermons?" "Why," +said the other, "he probably gets to writing and he is too lazy to +stop." + + + + +INCONSIDERATE CLEANLINESS. + + +"BRING in the oysters I told you to open," said the head of a household +growing impatient. "There they are," replied the Irish cook proudly. "It +took me a long time to clean them; but I've done it, and thrown all the +nasty insides into the strate." + + + + +YANKEE THRIFT. + + +QUOTH Patrick of the Yankee: "Bedad, if he was cast away on a dissolute +island, he'd get up the next mornin' an' go around sellin' maps to the +inhabitants." + + + + +SAFE MAN. + + +A POOR son of the Emerald Isle applied for employment to an avaricious +hunks, who told him he employed no Irishmen; "for," said he, "the last +one died on my hands, and I was forced to bury him at my own expense." + +"Ah! your honour," said Pat, brightening up, "and is that all? Then +you'll give me the place, for sure I can get a certificate that I niver +died in the employ of any master I iver sarved." + + + + +A PAIR OF HUSBANDS. + + +A COUNTRY editor perpetrates the following upon the marriage of a Mr. +Husband to the lady of his choice: + +"This case is the strongest we have known in our life; The husband's a +husband, and so is the wife." + + + + +ART CRITICISM. + + +AT a recent exhibition of paintings, a lady and her son were regarding +with much interest, a picture which the catalogue designated as "Luther +at the Diet of Worms." Having descanted at some length upon its merits, +the boy remarked, "Mother, I see Luther and the table, but where are the +worms?" + + + + +CUTTING A SWELL. + + +"A STURDY-LOOKING man in Cleveland, a short time since, while busily +engaged in cow-hiding a dandy, who had insulted his daughter, being +asked what he was doing, replied: "_Cutting a swell_;" and continued his +amusement without further interruption. + + + + +TALLEYRAND. + + +TO a lady who had lost her husband, Talleyrand once addressed a letter +of condolence, in two words: "Oh, madame!" In less than a year, the lady +had married again, and then his letter of congratulation was, "Ah, +madame!" + + + + +THAT'S NOTHING. + + +A MAN, hearing of another who was 100 years old, said contemptuously: +"Pshaw! what a fuss about nothing! Why, if my grandfather was alive he +would be one hundred and fifty years old." + + + + +LARGE POCKET-BOOK. + + +THE most capacious pocket-book on record is the one mentioned by a +coroner's jury in Iowa, thus:--"We find the deceased came to his death +by a visitation of God, and not by the hands of violence. We find upon +the body a pocket-book containing $2, a check on Fletcher's Bank for +$250, and two horses, a wagon, and some butter, eggs, and feathers." + + + + +DEGRADATION. + + +WE once heard of a rich man, who was badly injured by being run over. +"It isn't the accident," said he, "that I mind; that isn't the thing, +but the idea of being run over by an infernal swill-cart makes me mad." + + + + +DEAF TO HIS OWN CALL. + + +A NEW ORLEANS paper states, there is in that city a hog, with his ears +so far back, that he can't hear himself squeal. + + + + +DR. PARR. + + +DR. PARR had a great deal of sensibility. When I read to him, in +Lincoln's Inn Fields, the account of O'Coigly's death, the tears rolled +down his cheeks. + +One day Mackintosh having vexed him, by calling O'Coigly "a rascal," +Parr immediately rejoined, "Yes, Jamie, he was a bad man, but he might +have been worse; he was an Irishman, but he might have been a Scotchman; +he was a priest, but he might have been a lawyer; he was a republican, +but he might have been an apostate." + + + + +GOOD. + + +DURING a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the +monotony of the proceedings: + +Among the witnesses was one, as verdant a specimen of humanity as one +would wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination, the counsel +for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity, and +an ominous shake of the head, exclaimed: + +"Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell a +different story?" + +"A different story from what I have told, sir?" + +"That is what I mean." + +"Yes sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different story +from what I have told, but they couldn't." + +"Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who those persons are." + +"Waal, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them." + +The witness was dismissed, while the judge, jury, and spectators, +indulged in a hearty laugh. + + + + +I'LL VOTE FOR THE OTHER MAN. + + +THE following story is told of a revolutionary soldier who was running +for Congress. + +It appears that he was opposed by a much younger man who had "never been +to the wars," and it was his practice to tell the people of the +hardships he had endured. Says he: + +"Fellow-citizens, I have fought and bled for my country--I helped whip +the British and Indians. I have slept on the field of battle, with no +other covering than the canopy of heaven. I have walked over frozen +ground, till every footstep was marked with blood." + +Just about this time, one of the "sovereigns," who had become very much +affected by this tale of woe, walks up in front of the speaker, wiping +the tears from his eyes with the extremity of his coat-tail, and +interrupting him, says: + +"Did you say that you had fought the British and the Injines?" + +"Yes, sir, I did." + +"Did you say you had followed the enemy of your country over frozen +ground, till every footstep was covered with blood?" + +"Yes!" exultingly replied the speaker. + +"Well, then," says the tearful "sovereign," as he gave a sigh of painful +emotion, "I'll be blamed if I don't think you've done enough for your +country, and I'll vote for the other man!" + + + + +THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE. + + +TAKING shelter from a shower in an umbrella shop. + + + + +DECLINING AN OFFICE. + + +"BEN," said a politician to his companion, "did you know I had declined +the office of Alderman?" + +"_You_ declined the office of Alderman? Was you elected?" + +"O, no." + +"What then? Nominated?" + +"No, but I attended our party caucus last evening, and took an active +part; and when a nominating committee was appointed, and were making up +the list of candidates, I went up to them and begged they would not +nominate me for Alderman, as it would be impossible for me to attend to +the duties?" + +"Show, Jake; what reply did they make?" + +"Why, they said they hadn't thought of such a thing." + + + + +GOOD WITNESSES. + + +AN Attorney before a bench of magistrates, a short time ago, told the +bench, with great gravity, "That he had two witnesses in court, in +behalf of his client, and they would be sure to speak the truth; for he +had had no opportunity to communicate with them!" + + + + +TALLEYRAND'S WIT. + + +"AH! I feel the torments of hell," said a person, whose life had been +supposed to be somewhat of the loosest. "Already?" was the inquiry +suggested to M. Talleyrand. Certainly, it came natural to him. It is, +however, not original; the Cardinal de Retz's physician is said to have +made a similar exclamation on a like occasion. + + + + +A FIGHTING FOWL. + + +DURING Colonel Crockett's first winter in Washington, a caravan of wild +animals was brought to the city and exhibited. Large crowds attended the +exhibition; and, prompted by common curiosity, one evening Colonel +Crockett attended. + +"I had just got in," said he; "the house was very much crowded, and the +first thing I noticed, was two wild cats in a cage. Some acquaintance +asked me if they were like wild cats in the backwoods; and I was looking +at them, when one turned over and died. The keeper ran up and threw some +water on it. Said I, 'Stranger, you are wasting time: my look kills them +things; and you had much better hire me to go out of here, or I will +kill every varmint you've got in the caravan.' While I and he were +talking, the lions began to roar. Said I, 'I won't trouble the American +lion, because he is some kin to me; but turn out the African lion--turn +him out--turn him out--I can whip him for a ten dollar bill, and the +zebra may kick occasionally, during the fight.' This created some fun; +and I then went to another part of the room, where a monkey was riding a +pony. I was looking on, and some member said to me, 'Crockett, don't +that monkey favor General Jackson?' 'No,' said I, 'but I'll tell you who +it does favor. It looks like one of your boarders, Mr. ----, of Ohio.' +There was a loud burst of laughter at my saying so, and, upon turning +round, I saw Mr. ----, of Ohio, within three feet of me. I was in a +right awkward fix; but bowed to the company, and told 'em, I had either +slandered the monkey, or Mr. ----, of Ohio, and if they would tell me +which, I would beg his pardon. The thing passed off, but the next +morning, as I was walking the pavement before my door, a member came to +me and said, 'Crockett, Mr. ----, of Ohio, is going to challenge you.' +Said I, 'Well, tell him I am a fighting fowl. I s'pose if I am +challenged, I have the right to choose my weapons?' 'Oh yes,' said he. +'Then tell him,' said I, 'that I will fight him with bows and arrows.'" + + + + +ELEPHANT. + + +WHEN the great Lord Clive was in India, his sisters sent him some +handsome presents from England; and he informed them by letter, that he +had returned them an "_elephant_;" (at least, so they read the word;) an +announcement which threw them into the utmost perplexity; for what could +they possibly do with the animal? The true word was "equivalent." + + + + +"THE LAST WAR." + + +MR. PITT, once speaking in the House of Commons, in the early part of +his career, of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in +which the colonies were lost, called it "the last war." Several members +cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after, +repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last +war but one--the last war but one." "I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, +turning to the Speaker, and raising his sonorous voice, "I mean, sir, +the last war that Britons would wish to remember." Whereupon the cry was +instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud. + + + + +KISSES. + + +WHEN an impudent fellow attempts to kiss a Tennessee girl, she "cuts +your acquaintance;" all their "divine luxuries are preserved for the lad +of their own choice." When you kiss an Arkansas girl, she hops as high +as a cork out of a champagne bottle, and cries, "Whew, how good!" Catch +an Illinois girl and kiss her, and she'll say, "Quit it now, you know +I'll tell mamma!" A kiss from the girls of old Williamson is a tribute +paid to their beauty, taste, and amiability. It is not _accepted_, +however, until the gallant youth who offers it is _accepted_ as the lord +of their hearts' affections, and firmly united with one, his "chosen +love," beneath the same bright star that rules their destiny for ever. +The common confectionery make-believe kisses, wrapped in paper, with a +verse to sweeten them, won't answer with them. We are certain they +won't, for we once saw such a one handed to a beautiful young lady with +the following:-- + + I'd freely give whole years of bliss, + To gather from thy lips one kiss. + +To which the following prompt and neat response was immediately +returned:-- + + Young men present these to their favourite Miss, + And think by such means to entrap her; + But la! they ne'er catch us with this kind of kiss, + The right kind hain't got any wrapper. + +If you kiss a Mississippian gal she'll flare-up like a scorched feather, +and return the compliment by bruising your sky-lights, or may-be giving +the _quid pro quo_ in the shape of a blunder-_buss_. Baltimore girls, +more beautiful than any in the world, all meet you with a half-smiling, +half-saucy, come-kiss-me-if-you-dare kind of a look, but you must be +careful of the first essay. After that no difficulty will arise, unless +you be caught attempting to kiss another--then look out for thundergust. +When a Broome girl gets a _smack_, she exclaims, "If it was anybody else +but you, I'd make a fuss about it." + + + + +AMERICAN WONDERS. + + +"SHE be a pretty craft, that little thing of yours," observed old Tom. +"How long may she take to make the run?" "How long? I expect in just no +time; and she'd go as fast again, only she won't wait for the breeze to +come up with her." "Why don't you heave to for it?" said young Tom. +"Lose too much time, I guess. I have been chased by an easterly wind all +the way from your Land's-end to our Narrows, and it never could overhaul +me." "And I presume the porpusses give it up in despair, don't they?" +replied old Tom with a leer; "and yet I've seen the creatures playing +before the bows of an English frigate at her speed, and laughing at +her." "They never play their tricks with me, old snapper; if they do, I +cut them in halves, and a-starn they go, head part floating one side, +and tail part on the other." "But don't they join together again when +they meet in your wake?" inquired Tom. "Shouldn't wonder," replied the +American Captain. "My little craft upset with me one night, in a pretty +considerable heavy gale; but she's smart, and came up again on the other +side in a moment, all right as before. Never should have known anything +about it, if the man at the wheel had not found his jacket wet, and the +men below had a round turn in all the clues of their hammocks." "After +that round turn, you may belay," cried Tom laughing. "Yes, but don't +let's have a stopper over all, Tom," replied his father. "I consider all +this excessively diverting. Pray, Captain, does everything else go fast +in the new country?" "Everything with us clear, slick, I guess." "What +sort of horses have you in America?" inquired I. "Our Kentuck horses, +I've a notion, would surprise you. They're almighty goers at a trot, +beat a N. W. gale of wind. I once took an Englishman with me in a gig up +Alabama country, and he says, 'What's this great church yard we are +passing through?' 'Stranger,' says I, 'I calculate it's nothing but the +mile-stones we are passing so slick.' But I once had a horse, who, I +expect, was a deal quicker than that; I once seed a flash of lightning +chase him for half an hour round the clearance, and I guess it couldn't +catch him." + + + + +NO HARM. + + +"MOTHER," said a little fellow the other day, "is there any harm in +breaking egg shells?" "Certainly not, my dear, but why do you ask?" +"Cause I dropt the basket jist now, and see what a mess I'm in with the +yolk." + + + + +TAKEN DOWN A PEG. + + +AN Irishman, observing a dandy taking his usual strut in Broadway, +stepped up to him and inquired: + +"How much do you ax for thim houses?" + +"What do you ask me that for?" + +"Faith, an' I thought the whole strate belonged to ye," replied the +Irishman. + + + + +DUTCH MARRIAGE. + + +AN old Dutch farmer, just arrived at the dignity of justice of the +peace, had his first marriage case. He did it up in this way. He first +said to the man: "Vell, you vants to be marrit, do you? Vell, you lovesh +dis voman so goot as any voman you have ever seen?" "Yes," answered the +man. Then to the woman: "Vell, do you love dis man so better as any man +you have ever seen?" She hesitated a little, and he repeated: "Vell, +vell, do you like him so vell as to be his vife?" "Yes, yes," she +answered. "Vell, dat ish all any reasonable man can expect. So you are +marrit; I pronounce you man and vife." The man asked the justice what +was to pay. "Nothing at all, nothing at all; you are velcome to it if it +vill do you any good." + + + + +SAVE THE MATERIAL. + + +A RICH old farmer at Crowle, near Bantry, England, speaking to a +neighbour about the "larning" of his nephew, said:--"Why I shud a made +Tom a lawyer, I think, but he was sich a good hand to hold a plough that +I thought 'twere a pity to spoil a good ploughboy." + + + + +BE DISCREET. + + +IF your sister, while tenderly engaged in a tender conversation with her +tender sweetheart, asks you to bring a glass of water from an adjoining +room, you can start on the errand, but you need not return. You will not +be missed--that's certain; we've seen it tried. Don't forget this, +little boys. + + + + +TRAVELER'S TALE. + + +A TRAVELER, relating his adventures, told the company that he and his +servant had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed +that there was no great matter in it--"for," said he, "we ran, and they +ran after us." + + + + +AN OPINION. + + +A TIPSY Irishman, leaning against a lamp post as a funeral was passing +by, was asked who was dead. "I can't exactly say, sir," said he, "but I +presume it's the gentleman in the coffin." + + + + +GARRICK. + + +A CERTAIN lord wished Garrick to be a candidate for the representation +of a borough in parliament. "No, my lord," said the actor, "I would +rather play the part of a great man on the stage than the part of a fool +in parliament." + + + + +JONATHAN'S LAST. + + +THE people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so old +that they have quite forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive +who can remember it for them. + + + + +METAPHYSICS. + + +A SCOTCH blacksmith, being asked the meaning of metaphysics, explained +it as follows:--"When the party who listens disna ken what the party who +speaks means, and when the party who speaks disna ken what he means +himsel'--that is metaphysics." + + + + +FORENSIC ELOQUENCE. + + +THE _Wheeling Gazette_ gives the following, as an extract from the +recent address of a barrister "out west," to a jury:--"The law expressly +declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of Shakspeare, that where +no doubt exists of the guilt of the prisoner, it is your duty to fetch +him in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of my +client, gentlemen, you will have the honor of making a friend of him, +and all his relations; and you can allers look upon this occasion, and +reflect with pleasure, that you have done as you would be done by. But +if, on the other hand, you disregard the principle of law, and set at +nought my eloquent remarks, and fetch him in guilty, the silent twitches +of conscience will follow you over every fair cornfield, I reckon; and +my injured and down-trodden client will be apt to light on you one of +these dark nights, _as my cat lights on a sasserful of new milk_." + + + + +A DEFINITION IN POLITICAL ECONOMY. + + +"WILL you never learn, my dear, the difference between real and +exchangeable value?" The question was put to a husband, who had been +lucky enough to be tied up to a political economist in petticoats. "Oh +yes, my dear, I think I begin to see." "Indeed!" responded the lady. +"Yes," replied the husband. "For instance, my dear, I know your deep +learning, and all your other virtues. That's your _real_ value. But I +know, also, that none of my married friends would swap wives with me. +That's your _exchangeable_ value. + + + + +COULDN'T UNDERSTAND. + + +"AH, Pat, Pat," said a schoolmistress to a thick-headed urchin into +whose muddy brain she was attempting to beat the alphabet--"I'm afraid +you'll never learn anything. Now, what's that letter, eh?" + +"Sure, and I don't know ma'am," replied Pat. + +"Thought you might have remembered that." + +"Why, ma'am?" + +"Because it has a dot over the top of it." + +"Och, ma'am, I mind it well; but sure I thought it was a speck." + +"Well, now remember, Pat, it's I." + +"You, ma'am?" + +"No! no! not U but I." + +"Not I, but you, ma'am--how's that?" + +"Not U, but I, blockhead!" + +"Och, yis, faith; now I have it, ma'am. You mean to say, that not I but +you are a blockhead?" + +"Fool! fool!" exclaimed the pedagoguess bursting with rage. + +"Just as you please," quietly responded Pat, "fool or blockhead--it's no +matter, so long as yer free to own it!" + + + + +GREAT CALF. + + +AT a cattle show, recently, a fellow who was making himself ridiculously +conspicuous, at last broke forth--"Call these ere prize cattle? Why, +they ain't nothin' to what our folks raised. My father raised the +biggest calf of any man round our parts." + +"I don't doubt it," remarked a bystander, "and the noisiest." + + + + +GO IN AND WIN. + + +"MA, I am going to make some soft soap, for the Fair this fall!" said a +beautiful Miss of seventeen, to her mother, the other day. + +"What put that notion into your head, Sally?" + +"Why, ma, the premium is just what I have been wanting." + +"Pray, what is it?" + +"A 'Westchester Farmer,' I hope he will be a good looking one!" + + + + +NOT HERE. + + +A CORRESPONDENT from Northampton, Mass., is responsible for the +following:--"A subscriber to a moral-reform paper, called at our post +office, the other day, and enquired if _The Friend of Virtue_ had come. +"No," replied the postmaster, "there has been no such person here for a +long time." + + + + +GENTLEMEN AND THEIR DEBTS. + + +THE late Rev. Dr. Sutton, Vicar of Sheffield, once said to the late Mr. +Peach, a veterionary surgeon, "Mr. Peach, how is it you have not called +upon me for your account?" + +"Oh," said Mr. Peach, "I never ask a gentleman for money." + +"Indeed!" said the Vicar, "then how do you get on if he don't pay?" + +"Why," replied Mr. Peach, "after a certain time I conclude that he is +not a gentleman, and then I ask him." + + + + +CHARLES JAMES FOX AND HIS FRIEND. + + +I SAW Lunardi make the first ascent in a balloon, which had been +witnessed in England. It was from the Artillery ground. Fox was there +with his brother, General F. The crowd was immense. Fox, happening to +put his hand down to his watch, found another hand upon it, which he +immediately seized. "My friend," said he to the owner of the strange +hand, "you have chosen an occupation which wilt be your ruin at last." +"O Mr. Fox," was the reply, "forgive me, and let me go! I have been +driven to this course by necessity alone; my wife and children are +starving at home." Fox, always tender-hearted, slipped a guinea into the +hand, and then released it. On the conclusion of the show, Fox was +proceeding to look what o'clock it was. "Good God!" cried he, "my watch +is gone!" "Yes," answered General F., "I know it is; I saw your friend +take it." "Saw him take it! and you made no attempt to stop him?" +"Really, you and he appeared to be on such good terms with each other, +that I did not choose to interfere."--_Rogers' Table-talk._ + + + + +MINISTERIAL DRINKING. + + +STOTHARD the painter happened to be, one evening, at an inn on the Kent +Road, when Pitt and Dundas put up there on their way from Walmer. Next +morning, as they were stepping into their carriage, the waiter said to +Stothard, "Sir, do you observe these two gentlemen?" "Yes," he replied; +"and I know them to be Mr. Pitt and Mr. Dundas." "Well, sir, how much +wine do you suppose they drank last night?"--Stothard could not +guess.--"Seven bottles, sir." + + + + +PARR AND ERSKINE. + + +DR. PARR and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their +time. At a dinner some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasies with the +conversational powers of Lord Erskine, called out to him, though his +junior, "My Lord, I mean to write your epitaph." "Dr. Parr," replied the +noble lawyer, "it is a temptation to commit suicide." + + + + +SENATORIAL PECULIARITY. + + +A FEW days since, says the _New York Courier_, Mr. Wise appealed to the +Speaker of the House of Representatives for protection against Mr. +Adams, who, he alleged, was "_making mouths at him_." Precisely the same +complaint was subsequently made by a gentleman from Massachusetts, +against Mr. Marshall of Kentucky; but the latter gentleman defended +himself by saying, "It was only a _peculiar mode he had of chewing his +tobacco_." + + + + +FAMILY FLEAS. + + +WHEN the late Lord Erskine, then going the circuit, was asked by his +landlord how he slept, he replied, "Union is strength; a fact of which +some of your inmates seem to be unaware; for had they been unanimous +last night, they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!" exclaimed +Boniface, affecting great astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a +single one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted his +lordship, "they are all married, and have uncommonly large families." + + + + +PULPIT PLEASANTRY. + + +ONE day, Naisr-ed-din ascended the pulpit of the Mosque, and thus +addressed the congregation:--"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am +going to say to you?" "No," responded the congregation. "Well, then," +said he, "there is no use in my speaking to you." And he came down from +the pulpit. He went to preach a second time, and asked the congregation, +"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am going to say to you?" "We +know," replied the audience. "Ah, as you know," said he, quitting the +pulpit, "why should I take the trouble of telling you?" When next he +came to preach, the congregation resolved to try his powers; and when he +asked his usual question, replied, "Some of us know, and some of us do +not know." "Very well," said he, "let those who know, tell those who do +not know."--_Turkish Jest-book._ + + + + +AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND. + + +THE other day, Mrs. Snipkins being unwell, sent for a medical man, and +declared that she was poisoned, and that Mr. Snipkins did it. "I didn't +do it," shouted Snipkins. "It's all gammon; she isn't poisoned. Prove +it, doctor--open her on the spot--I'm willing." + + + + +BRUMMELL. + + +"MAY I help you to some beef?" said the master of the house to the late +Mr. Brummell. "I never eat beef, nor horse, nor anything of that sort," +answered the astonished and indignant epicure. + + + + +BATHOS. + + +SOME years ago, during a discussion respecting the Bank of Waterford, an +Honourable Member said, "I conjure the Right Honourable the Chancellor +of the Exchequer to pause in his dangerous career, and desist from a +course only calculated to inflict innumerable calamities on my +country--to convulse the entire system of society with anarchy and +revolution--to shake the very pillars of civil government itself--and to +cause _a fall in the price of butter in Waterford_." + + + + +DANGEROUS VISITS. + + +A PERSON who was recently called into court, for the purpose of proving +the correctness of a doctor's bill, was asked by the lawyer whether the +doctor did not make several visits after the patient was out of danger? +"No," replied the witness, "I considered the patient in danger as long +as the doctor continued his visits!" + + + + +NONSENSE. + + +BEING asked to give a definition of nonsense, Dr. Johnson replied, "Sir, +it is nonsense to bolt a door with a boiled carrot." + + + + +CONCEIT. + + +I BELIEVE every created crittur in the world thinks that he's the most +entertainin' one on it, and that there's no gettin' on anyhow without +him. _Consait grows as natural as the hair on one's head, but is longer +in comin' out._--_Sam Slick's Wise Saws._ + + + + +KISSING BY PROXY. + + +ONE of the deacons of a certain church asked the bishop if he usually +kissed the bride at weddings. + +"Always," was the reply. + +"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next +question. + +"In all such cases," replied the bishop, "the duty of kissing is +appointed to the deacons!" + + + + +A BARGAIN. + + +"I RECKON I couldn't drive a trade with you to-day, squire?" said a +genuine specimen of a Yankee pedler, as he stood at the door of a +certain merchant in St. Louis. + +"I reckon you calculate about right, for you can't," was the sneering +reply. + +"Wall, I guess you needn't get huffy 'bout it. Now here's a dozen +ginooine razer strops--worth two dollars and a half; you may have 'em +for two dollars." + +"I tell you I don't want any of your strops--so you may as well be going +along." + +"Wall, now, look here, squire, I'll bet you five dollars, that if you +make me an offer for them 'ere strops, we'll have a trade yet!" + +"Done!" replied the merchant, placing the money in the hands of a +bystander. The Yankee deposited a like sum. + +"Now," said the merchant, "I'll give you a picayune for the strops." + +"They're yourn," said the Yankee, as he quietly pocketed the stakes. + +"But," said he, after a little reflection, and with great apparent +honesty, "I'll trade back." + +The merchant's countenance brightened. + +"You are not so bad a chap, after all," said he. "Here are your +strops--give me the money." + +"There it is," said the Yankee, as he received the strops and passed +over the sixpence. "A trade is a trade; and, now you are wide awake, the +next time you trade with that 'ere sixpence you'll do a little better +than buy razer strops." + +And away walked the pedler with his strops and his wager, amidst the +shouts of the laughing crowd. + + + + +CONUNDRUMS. + + +WHAT is the difference between a big man and a little man?--One is a +tall fellow and the other not at all. + +Why is a betting-list keeper like a bride?--Because he's taken for +better or worse. + +Why is a person asking questions the strangest of all +individuals?--Because he's the querist. + +Why is a thief called a "jail-bird?"--Because he has been a "robbin." + +Why should an editor look upon it as ominous when a correspondent signs +himself "Nemo?"--Because there is an omen in the very letters. + + + + +READY REPLY. + + +A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a somewhat knowing manner, "Pray, sir, +did you ever see a cat-fish?" "No," was the response, "but I've seen a +rope walk." + + + + +A YANKEE PRAYER. + + +IN the State of Ohio, there resided a family, consisting of an old man, +of the name of Beaver, and his three sons, all of whom were hard "pets," +who had often laughed to scorn the advice and entreaties of a pious, +though very eccentric, minister, who resided in the same town. It +happened one of the boys was bitten by a rattlesnake, and was expected +to die, when the minister was sent for in great haste. On his arrival, +he found the young man very penitent, and anxious to be prayed with. The +minister calling on the family, knelt down, and prayed in this wise:--"O +Lord! we thank thee for rattlesnakes. We thank thee because a +rattlesnake has bit Jim. We pray thee send a rattlesnake to bite John; +send one to bite Bill; send one to bite Sam; and, O Lord! send the +biggest kind of a rattlesnake to bite the old man; for nothing but +rattlesnakes will ever bring the Beaver family to repentance." + + + + +CHIEF JUSTICE BUSHE. + + +COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) Bushe, being asked which of Mr. +Power's company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The +prompter; for I heard the most, and saw the least of him." + + + + +PRESENCE OF MIND. + + +I ONCE observed to a Scotch lady, "how desirable it was in any danger +_to have presence of mind_." "I had rather," she rejoined, "_have +absence of body_."--_Rogers' Table-talk._ + + + + +GLORY WITHOUT DANGER. + + +A MAN hearing the drum beat up for volunteers for France, in the +expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and +thereupon enlisted himself; returning again, he was asked by his +friends, "what exploits he had performed there?" He said, "that he had +cut off one of the enemy's legs;" and being told that it would have been +more honorable and manly to have cut off his head, said, "Oh! you must +know his head was cut off before." + + + + +LORD CHESTERFIELD. + + +WITTICISMS are often attributed to the wrong people. It was Lord +Chesterfield, not Sheridan, who said, on occasion of a certain marriage, +that "Nobody's son had married Everybody's daughter." + +Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a minuet, that "they +looked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being paid." + + + + +UNANIMITY. + + +A SCOTCH parson, in his prayer, said, "Lord, bless the grand council, +the parliament, and grant that they may hang together." A country fellow +standing by, replied, "Yes, sir, with all my heart, and the sooner the +better--and I am sure it is the prayer of all good people." "But, +friends," said the parson, "I don't mean as that fellow does, but pray +they may all hang together in accord and concord." "No matter what +cord," replied the other, "so 'tis but a strong one." + + + + +SIMPLICITY. + + +THE Bishop of Oxford, having sent round to the churchwardens in his +diocese a circular of inquiries, among which was:--"Does your +officiating clergyman preach the gospel, and is his conversation and +carriage consistent therewith?" The churchwarden near Wallingford +replied:--"He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage." + + + + +PATRIOTISM AND LIBERALITY. + + +A LADY solicitor for the Mount Vernon fund visited one of the schools in +Boston, says the Bee, to collect offerings from the children. On the +dismission of the school, one of the boys went home, and said to his +father--"Papa! General Washington's wife came to our school to-day, +trying to raise some money to buy a graveyard for him where he's buried, +and I want a dime to put into the contribution-box." In an ecstasy of +patriotism the gentleman contributed. + + + + +SHERIDAN. + + +SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of +Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the +debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished +to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed +he, with great emphasis, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a +more knavish fool than he?" "Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome +member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt +information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter. + + + + +THE WAY TO WIN A KISS. + + +THE late Mr. Bush used to tell a story of a brother barrister:--As the +coach was about starting, before breakfast, the modest limb of the law +approached the landlady, a pretty Quakeress, who was seated near the +fire, and said he "could not think of going without giving her a kiss." +"Friend," said she, "thee must not do it." "Oh! by heavens, I will!" +replied the barrister. "Well, friend, as thou hast sworn, thee may do +it; but thee must not make a practice of it." + + + + +A BUTCHER'S COMPLIMENT. + + +IN the Bristol market, a lady laying her hand on a joint of veal, said, +"I think, Mr. F., this veal is not quite so white as usual." "Put on +your _glove_, madam," replied the dealer, "and you will think +differently." It may be needless to remark, that the veal was ordered +home without another word of objection. + + + + +DRUNKENNESS. + + +A GENTLEMAN finding his servant intoxicated, said--"What, drunk again, +Sam! I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you are drunk +again." "No, massa, same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied Sambo. + + + + +CAN'T BE BEAT. + + +A LIVELY Hibernian exclaimed, at a party where Theodore Hook shone as +the evening star, "Och, Master Theodore, but you're the hook that nobody +can bait." + + + + +MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S LETTER FROM PARIS.[*] + + +_Paris, December 10th, 1823._ + +MY DEAR MR. BULL,--Having often heard travelers lament not having put +down what they call _memorybillious_ of their journies, I was determined +while I was on my _tower_, to keep a _dairy_ (so called from containing +the cream of one's information), and record everything which recurred to +me--therefore I begin with my departure from London. + +Resolving to take time by the _firelock_, we left Montague Place at 7 +o'clock by Mr. Fulmer's pocket thermometer, and proceeded over +Westminister Bridge to _explode_ the European Continent. I never pass +Whitehall without dropping a tear to the memory of Charles the Second, +who was decimated, after the rebellion of 1745, opposite the Horse +Guards--his memorable speech to Archbishop Caxon rings in my ears +whenever I pass the spot. I reverted my head and affected to look to see +what o'clock it was by the dial, on the opposite side of the way. It is +quite impossible not to notice the improvements in this part of the +town, the beautiful view which one gets of Westminster Hall and its +curious roof, after which, as everybody knows, its builder was called +William Roofus. + +Amongst the lighter specimens of modern architecture is Ashley's +_ampletheatre_, on your right, as you cross the bridge (which was built, +Mr. Fulmer informed me, by the Court of Arches and House of Peers). In +this ampletheatre there are Equestrian performances, so called because +they are exhibited _nightly_ during the season. + +The toll at the Marsh Gate is _ris_ since we last came through--it was +here we were to have taken up Lavinia's friend, Mr. Smith, who has +promised to go with us to Dover--but we found his servant instead of +himself with a _billy_, to say he was sorry he could not come, because +his friend, Sir John Somebody, wished him to stay and go down to _Poll_ +at Lincoln. I have no doubt that this _Poll_, whoever she may be, is a +very respectable young woman, but mentioning her by her Christian name +only in so abrupt a manner had a very unpleasant appearance at any rate. +Nothing remarkable occurred till we reached the _Obstacle_ in St. +George's Fields, where our attention was arrested by those great +Institutions--the school for the _Indignant_ Blind, and the +_Misanthropic_ Society for making shoes, both of which claim the +gratitude of the nation. At the bottom of the lane, leading to Peckham, +I saw that they had removed the _Dollygraph_ which used to stand upon +the declivity to the right of the road--the Dollygraphs are all to be +superseded by _Serampores_. + +When we came to the Green Man at Blackheath, we had an opportunity of +noticing the errors of former travellers, for the heath is green and the +man is black. Mr. Fulmer endeavoured to account for this, by saying, +that Mr. Colman has discovered that Moors being black, and heaths being +a kind of moor, he looks upon the confusion of words as the cause of the +mistake. N. B.--Mr. Colman is the _itinerary_ surgeon, who constantly +resides at St. Pancras. As we went near Woolwich, we saw at a distance +the Artillery Officers on a common, a firing away in mortars like +anything. At Dartford they make gunpowder--here we changed horses. At +the inn we saw a most beautiful _Roderick Random_ in a pot covered with +flowers--it is the finest I ever saw, except those at Dropmore. When we +got to Rochester, we went to the Crown Inn and had a cold +_collection_--the charge was _absorbant_. I had often heard my poor dear +husband talk of the influence of the Crown, and the Bill of _Wrights_, +but I had no idea what it really meant, till we had to pay one. + +As we passed near Chatham, I saw several _Pitts_, and Mr. Fulmer shewed +me a great many buildings--I believe he said they were _fortyfications_, +but I think there must have been fifty of them; he also showed me the +Lines at Chatham, which I saw quite distinctly, with the clothes drying +on them. Rochester was remarkable in King Charles's time, for being a +very witty and dissolute place, as I have read in books. + +At Canterbury, we stopped ten minutes to visit all the remarkable +buildings and curiosities in it, and about its neighborhood; the church +is most beautiful. When Oliver Cromwell conquered William the Third, he +_perverted_ it into a stable--the stalls are now standing. The old +_Virgin_, who shewed us the church, wore buckskin _breaches and +powder_--he said it was an archypiscopal sea--but I saw no sea, nor do I +think it possible he could see it either, for it is at least seventeen +miles off. We saw Mr. Thomas a Beckett's tomb--my poor husband was +extremely intimate with the old gentleman, and one of his nephews, a +very nice young man, who lives near Golden Square, dined with us twice, +I think, in London. In Trinity Chapel is the monument of Eau de Cologne, +just as it is now exhibiting at the _Diarrhoea_ in the Regent's Park. +It was late when we got to Dover. We walked about while our dinner was +preparing, looking forward to our snug tete-a-tete of three. We went to +look at the sea--so called, perhaps, from the uninterrupted view one has +when upon it. It was very curious to see the locks to keep the water +here, and the _keys_ which are on each side of them, all ready, I +suppose, to open them if they are wanted. We were awake with the owl +next morning, and a walking away before eight, we went to see the +castle,--which was built, the man told us, by Seizer, so called, I +conclude, from seizing everything he could lay his hands upon. The man +said moreover that he had invaded Britain and conquered it, upon which I +told him, that if he repeated such a thing in my presence again, I +should write to the Government about him. We saw the inn where Alexander +the _Autograph_ of all the Russians lived when he was here--and as we +were going along, we met twenty or thirty dragons mounted on horses, and +the ensign who commanded them was a friend of Mr. Fulmer's--he looked at +Lavinia and seemed pleased with her _Tooting assembly_--he was quite a +"sine qua non" of a man, and wore tips on his lips, like Lady Hopkins' +poodle. I heard Mr. Fulmer say he was a son of _Marrs_; he spoke as if +everybody knew his father, so I suppose he must be the son of the poor +gentleman who was so barbarously murdered some years ago, near Ratcliff +Highway--if he is, he is uncommon genteel. At 12 o'clock we got into a +boat and rowed to the packet; it was a very fine and clear day for the +season, and Mr. Fulmer said he should not dislike pulling Lavinia about +all the morning--this, I believe, was a _naughty-call_ phrase--which I +did not rightly comprehend, because Mr. F. never offered to talk in that +way on shore to either of us. The packet is not a _parcel_, as I +imagined, in which we were to be made up for exportation, but a boat of +very considerable size; it is called a cutter--why I do not know, and +did not like to ask. It was very curious to see how it rolled +about--however I felt quite mal-a-propos--and instead of exciting any of +the soft sensibility of the other sex, a great unruly man, who held the +handle of the ship, bid me lay hold of a companion, and when I sought +his arm for protection, he introduced me to a ladder, down which I +_ascended_ into the cabin, one of the most curious places I ever +beheld--where ladies and gentlemen are put upon shelves like books in a +library, and where tall men are doubled up like bootjacks, before they +can be put away at all. A gentleman in a heavy cap without his coat laid +me perpendicular on a mattrass, with a basin by my side, and said that +was my birth. I thought it would have been my death, for I never was so +ill-disposed in all my life. I behaved extremely ill to a very amiable +middle-aged gentleman, who had the misfortune to be attending on his +wife, in a little bed under me. There was no _symphony_ to be found +among the tars (so called from their smell), for just before we went off +I heard them throw a painter overboard, and directly after they called +out to one another to hoist up the ensign. I was too ill to inquire what +the poor young gentleman had done; but after I came up stairs, I did not +see his body hanging anywhere, so I conclude they cut him down--I hope +it was not young Mr. Marr, a venturing after my Lavy. I was quite +shocked to find what democrats the sailors are--they seem to hate the +nobility--especially the law lords. The way I discovered this _apathy_ +of theirs to the nobility, was this--the very moment we lost sight of +England and were close to France, they began, one and all, to swear +first at the Peer, and then at the Bar, in such gross terms as made my +very blood run cold. I was quite pleased to see Lavinia sitting with Mr. +Fulmer in the traveling carriage on the outside of the packet; but +Lavinia afforded great proofs of her good bringing up, by commanding her +feelings. It is curious what could have agitated the _billy ducks_ of +my stomach, because I took every precaution which is recommended in +different books to prevent ill-disposition. I had some mutton chops at +breakfast, some Scotch marmalade on bread and butter, two eggs, two cups +of coffee, and three of tea, besides toast, a little fried whiting, some +potted char, and a few shrimps, and after breakfast I took a glass of +warm white wine negus and a few oysters, which lasted me till we got +into the boat, where I began eating gingerbread nuts all the way to the +packet, and there was persuaded to take a glass of bottled porter to +keep everything snug and comfortable. + +Adieu, + +Yours truly, +DOROTHEA JULIA RAMSBOTTOM. + +[*] This jeu d'esprit is attributed to Theodore Hook. + + + + +VERY BUSY. + + +SOME one asked a lad how it was he was so short for his age? He replied, +"Father keeps me so busy I haint time to grow." + + + + +JOHN BULL. + + +THE English are a calm, reflecting people; they will give time and money +when they are convinced; but they love dates, names, and certificates. +In the midst of the most heart-rending narratives, Bull requires the day +of the month, the year of our Lord, the name of the parish, and the +countersign of three or four respectable householders. After these +affecting circumstances, he can no longer hold out; but gives way to the +kindness of his nature--puffs, blubbers, and subscribes!--_Sydney +Smith._ + + + + +YANKEE INGENUITY. + + +IN some of our towns we don't allow smokin' in the streets, though most +of them we do, and where it is agin law, it is two dollars fine in a +gineral way. Well, Sassy went down to Boston, to do a little chore of +business there, where this law was, only he didn't know it. So, soon as +he gets off the coach, he outs with his case, takes a cigar, lights it, +and walks on, smoking like a furnace flue. No sooner said than done. Up +steps a constable and says, "I'll trouble you for two dollars for +smokin' agin law, in the streets." Sassy was as quick as wink on him. +"Smokin'!" says he; "I warn't a smokin'." "O, my!" says constable, "how +you talk, man! I won't say you lie, 'cause it aint polite, but it's very +like the way I talk when I fib. Didn't I see you with my own eyes?" +"No," says Sassy, "you didn't. It don't do always to believe your own +eyes, they can't be depended on more than other people's. I never trust +mine, I can assure you. I own I had a cigar in my mouth, but it was +because I liked the flavor of tobacco, but not to smoke. I take it don't +convene with the dignity of a free and enlightened citizen of our +almighty nation, to break the law, seein' that he makes the law himself, +and is his own sovereign, and his own subject, too. No, I warn't +smokin', and if you don't believe me, try this cigar yourself, and see +if it aint so. It han't got no fire in it." Well, constable takes the +cigar, puts it into his mug, and draws away at it, and out comes the +smoke like anythin'. "I'll trouble _you_ for two dollars, Mr. High +Sheriff's representative," says Sassy, "for smokin' in the streets; do +you underconstand, my old coon?" Well, constable was taken all aback; he +was finely bit. "Stranger," says he, "where was you raised?" "To Canady +line," says Sassy. "Well," says he, "you're a credit to your broughtens +up. We'll let the fine drop, for we are about even, I guess. Let's +liquor," and he took him into a bar and treated him to a mint julep. It +was generally considered a great bite, that, and I must say, I don't +think it was bad--do you?--_Sam Slick._ + + + + +COMFORTABLE. + + +THEODORE HOOK, when surprised, one evening, in his arm-chair, two or +three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologised, by saying: +"When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round so often." It was Sir +Hercules Langrishe, who, being asked, on a similar occasion, "Have you +finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, +"No, not quite that; I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira." + + + + +HORNE TOOKE. + + +WHEN Horne Tooke was at school, the boys asked him "what his father +was?" Tooke answered, "A Turkey merchant." (He was a poulterer.) + +He once said to his brother, a pompous man, "You and I have reversed the +natural course of things; you have risen by your gravity; I have sunk by +my levity." + +To Judge Ashhurst's remark, that the law was open to all, both to the +rich and to the poor, Tooke replied, "So is the London tavern." + +He said that Hume wrote his history, as witches say their +prayers--backwards. + + + + +LAMB AND ERSKINE. + + +COUNSELLOR Lamb, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his +reputation, was of timid manners and nervous disposition, usually +prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one +occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark +that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older." "No +wonder," replied the witty, but relentless barrister; "every one knows +the older a _lamb_ grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes." + + + + +THE TRUTH TOLD BY MISTAKE. + + +I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of +the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth:--"We are +come," said he, "for your good--for _all_ your _goods_." "A universal +principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other +truths, only told by mistake."--_Ethel Churchill._ + + + + +TALLEYRAND'S WIT. + + +TALLEYRAND being asked, if a certain authoress, whom he had long since +known, but who belonged rather to the last age, was not "a little +tiresome?" "Not at all," said he, "she was perfectly tiresome." + +A gentleman in company was one day making a somewhat zealous eulogy of +his mother's beauty, dwelling upon the topic at uncalled for length--he +himself having certainly inherited no portion of that kind under the +marriage of his parents. "It was your father, then, apparently, who may +not have been very well favoured," was Talleyrand's remark, which at +once released the circle from the subject. + +When Madame de Stael published her celebrated novel of _Delphine_, she +was supposed to have painted herself in the person of the heroine, and +M. Talleyrand in that of an elderly lady, who is one of the principal +characters. "They tell me," said he, the first time he met her, "that we +are both of us in your novel, in the disguise of women." + +Rulhieres, the celebrated author of the work on the Polish revolution, +having said, "I never did but one mischievous work in my life." "And +when will it be ended?" was Talleyrand's reply. + +"Is not Geneva dull?" asked a friend of Talleyrand. "Especially when +they amuse themselves," was the reply. + +"She is insupportable," said Talleyrand, with marked emphasis, of one +well known; but, as if he had gone too far, and to take off something of +what he had said, he added, "it is her only defect." + + + + +BUSSING. + + +BUSS--to kiss. Re-bus--to kiss again. Blunder-buss--two girls kissing +each other. Omni-bus--to kiss all the girls in the room. Bus-ter--a +general kisser. _E pluri_-bus _unum_--a thousand kisses in one. + + + + +WANTED. + + +"YOU want a flogging, that's what you do;" said a parent to his unruly +son. "I know it, dad; but I'll try to get along without it," replied the +brat. + + + + +NATIONAL SCHOOL SCENES. + + +The following anecdotes were told by the late Bishop of Chichester, as +having occurred to himself. + +AT the annual examination of the Charity Schools, around the city of +Chichester, he was seated in the front row of the school room, together +with his daughters, and the family of the noble house of Richmond, when +the Bishop kindly took part in the examination, and put several +questions. To one boy, he said, "We have all sinned and come short of +the glory of God. Now, does that passage mean that _every one_ of us has +sinned?" The boy hesitated--but upon a repetition of the question, the +lad replied, "Every one except your Lordship, and the company sitting on +the front form." The same Bishop, at one of his Confirmations, saw a +school girl inclined to be inattentive and troublesome; he therefore +held up his finger as a warning. These children, being accustomed to +_signs_ from their teachers, of which they were expected to declare the +meaning, did not suppose that the elevation of the Bishop's finger, was +an exception to their general rule of reply to such tokens, they +therefore all arose together, and from the middle of the Church +exclaimed in an exulting tone, "_perpendicular_," to the astonishment +and consternation of the better inclined, and to the amusement, we fear, +of not a few of the congregation. + + + + +MRS. PARTINGTON. + + +"SO there's another rupture of Mount Vociferous," said Mrs. Partington, +as she put up her specs; "the paper tells us about the burning lather +running down the mountain, but it don't tell how it got a fire." + + + + +AN HIBERNIAN M. P. + + +A VERY laughable incident occurred in the House of Commons. An Irish +member, whose name I will not mention, having risen, he was assailed by +loud cries of "Spoke! Spoke!" meaning, that having spoken once already, +he had no right to do it a second time. He had, evidently, a second +speech struggling in his breast for an introduction into the world, when +seeing after remaining for some time on his legs, that there was not the +slightest chance of being suffered to deliver a sentence of it, he +observed, with imperturbable gravity, and in a rich Tipperary brogue, +"If honorable gintlemin suppose that I was going to spake again, they +are quite mistaken. I merely rose for the purpose of saying that I had +nothing more to say on the subject." The house was convulsed with +laughter, for a few seconds afterwards, at the exceeding ready wit of +the Hibernian M. P.--_Random Recollections of the Lords and +Commons.--New Series._ + + + + +MODESTY. + + +THERE is a young lady down east, so excessively modest, that every night +before retiring, she closes the window curtain, to prevent the "man in +the moon" from looking in. She is related to the young lady who would +not allow the _Christian Observer_ to remain in her room over night. + + + + +AMERICAN TOAST. + + +"THE ladies; the only endurable aristocracy, who rule without +laws--judge without jury--decide without appeal, and are never in the +wrong." + + + + +PASSING A COUNTERFEIT. + + +DIGGS saw a note lying on the ground, but knew that it was a +counterfeit, and walked on without picking it up. He told the story to +Smithers, when the latter said: + +"Do you know, Diggs, you have committed a very grave offence?" + +"Why, what have I done?" + +"You have passed a counterfeit bill, knowing it to be such," said +Smithers, without a smile, and fled. + + + + +LORD CHESTERFIELD. + + +LORD Chesterfield being given to understand that he would die by inches, +very philosophically replied, "If that be the case, I am happy that I am +not so tall as Sir Thomas Robinson." + + + + +A PENNY. + + +A GOOD woman called on Dr. B---- one day in a great deal of trouble, and +complained that her son had swallowed a penny. "Pray madam," said the +Doctor, "was it a counterfeit?" "No, Sir, certainly not;" was the reply. +"Then it will pass, of course," rejoined the facetious physician. + + + + +JOHNSON. + + +A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonata on +the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the +philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? "No +madam," replied the doctor; "but of all noises I think music is the +least disagreeable." + + + + +CLEVER LAMPOON. + + +UPON Frederick Prince of Wales, son of George the Second, a prince whom +people of all parties are now agreed in thinking no very great worthy, +nor superior to what a lively woman has here written upon him; for if we +understand Horace Walpole rightly, who says the verses were found among +her papers, they were the production of the Honourable Miss Rollo, +probably daughter of the fourth Lord Rollo, who was implicated in the +rebellion. Frederick was familiarly termed _Feckie_ and _Fed_. + + "Here lies Prince Fed, + Gone down among the dead. + Had it been his father, + We had much rather; + Had it been his mother, + Better than any other; + Had it been his sister, + Few would have miss'd her; + Had it been the whole generation, + Ten times better for the nation; + But since 'tis only Fed, + There's no more to be said." + + + + +IN HIS SHIRT SLEEVES. + + +A GOOD story is told of a "country gentleman," who, for the first time, +heard an Episcopal clergyman preach. He had read much of the aristocracy +and pride of the church, and when he returned home he was asked if the +people were "stuck up." "Pshaw! no," replied he, "why the minister +preached in his shirt-sleeves." + + + + +A MORMON PREACHER. + + +THE _Boston Herald_, in announcing the death of Elder G. Adams, a Mormon +preacher, says:--"On his second visit to Boston, the Elder preached, +baptized converts, whipped a newspaper editor, and played a star +engagement at the National Theatre. He was industrious, and filled up +all his time. We have a fund of anecdotes concerning this strange +mortal, which we shall be glad to print at some other time. We close +this article by briefly adverting to the chastisement he gave an editor, +for strongly criticising his performance of _Richard III_. The office of +the editor was in Washington street, where Propeller now keeps. Adams +armed himself with a cowhide, and watched for his victim. Soon, the +unsuspecting fellow came down the stairs, and Adams sprang upon him, +exclaiming, "The Lord has delivered thee into my hands, and I shall give +thee forty stripes, save one, Scripture measure. Brother Graham, keep +tally." So saying, he proceeded to lay on the punishment with hearty +good will. In the meantime, a large crowd had gathered around the +avenging priest and the delinquent. When the tally was up, Adams let the +man go, and addressed the crowd as follows: "Men and brethren, my name +is Elder George J. Adams, preacher of the everlasting gospel. I have +chastised mine enemy. I go this afternoon to fulfil an engagement at the +Providence Theatre, where I shall play one of Shakspeare's immortal +creations. I shall return to this city, at the end of the week, and +will, by divine permission, preach three times next Sabbath, on the +immortality of the soul, the eternity of matter, and in answer to the +question 'Who is the Devil?' May grace and peace be with you.--Amen!" + + + + +JOHN KEMBLE. + + +JOHN KEMBLE was often very amusing when he had had a good deal of wine. +He and two friends were returning to town, in an open carriage, from the +Priory, (Lord Abercorn's,) where they had dined; and as they were +waiting for change at a toll-gate, Kemble, to the amazement of the +toll-keeper, called out, in the tone of Rolla, "We seek no _change_; +and, least of all, such _change_ as he would bring us." + + + + +A SURPRISE. + + +A GREEN 'un, who had never before seen a steamboat, fell through the +hatchway, down into the hold, and being unhurt, thus loudly expressed +his surprise--"Well, if the darned thing aint holler." + + + + +QUEER DUEL. + + +AN Englishman and a Frenchman having quarrelled, they were to fight a +duel. Being both great cowards, they agreed (for their mutual safety, of +course) that the duel should take place in a room perfectly dark. The +Englishman had to fire first. He groped his way to the hearth, fired up +the chimney, and brought down--the Frenchman, who had taken refuge +there. + + + + +LAWYERS. + + +"A LAWYER," said Lord Brougham, in a facetious mood, "is a learned +gentleman, who rescues your estate from your enemies, and keeps it +himself." + + + + +A FRENCHMAN PUZZLED WITH THE WORD "BOX." + + +SIR--In the course of my study in the English language, which I made now +for three years, I always read your periodically, and now think myself +capable to write at your Magazin. I love always the modesty, or you +shall have a letter of me very long time pass. But, never mind. I would +well tell you, that I am come to this country to instruct me in the +manners, the customs, the habits, the policies, and the other affairs +general of Great Britain. And truly I think me good fortunate, being +received in many families, so as I can to speak your language now with +so much facility as the French. + +I am but a particular gentleman, come here for that what I said; but, +since I learn to comprehend the language, I discover that I am become an +object of pleasantry, and for himself to mock, to one of your comedians +even before I put my foot upon the ground at Douvres. He was Mr. Mathew, +who tell of some contretems of me and your word detestable _Box_. Well, +never mind. I know at present how it happen, because I see him since in +some parties and dinners; and he confess he love much to go travel and +mix himself altogether up with the stage coach and vapouring boat for +fun, what he bring at his theatre. + +Well, never mind. He see me, perhaps, to ask a question in the +paque-bot--but he not confess after, that he goed and bribe the garcon +at the hotel and the coachman to mystify me with all the boxes; but, +very well, I shall tell you how it arrived, so as you shall see that it +was impossible that a stranger could miss to be perplexed, and to +advertise the travellers what will come after, that they shall converse +with the gentleman and not with the badinstructs. + +But, it must that I begin. I am a gentleman, and my goods are in the +public rentes, and a chateau with a handsome propriety on the banks of +the Loire, which I lend to a merchant English, who pay me very well in +London for my expenses. Very well. I like the peace nevertheless that I +was force, at other time, to go to war with Napoleon. But it is passed. +So I come to Paris in my proper post-chaise, where I selled him, and +hire one, for almost nothing at all, for bring me to Calais all alone, +because I will not bring my valet to speak French here where all the +world is ignorant. + +The morning following, I get upon the vapouring boat to walk so far as +Douvres. It was fine day, and after I am recover myself of a malady of +the sea, I walk myself about the ship, and I see a great mechanic of +wood with iron wheel, and thing to push up inside, and handle to turn. +It seemed to be ingenious, and proper to hoist great burdens. They use +it for shoving the timber, what come down of the vessel, into the place; +and they tell me it was call "Jacques in the _box_:" and I was very much +pleased with the invention so novel. + +Very well. I go again promenade upon the board of the vessel, and I look +at the compass, and little boy sailor come and sit him down, and begin +to chatter like the little monkey. Then the man that turns a wheel about +and about laugh, and say, "Very well, Jacques," but I not understand one +word the little fellow say. So I make inquire, and they tell me he was +"_box_ the compass." I was surprise, but I tell myself, "Well, never +mind;" and so we arrive at Douvres. I find myself enough well in the +hotel, but as there has been no _table d'hote_, I ask for some dinner, +and it was long time I wait: and so I walk myself to the customary +house, and give the key to my portmanteau to the douaniers, or +excisemen, as you call, for them to see as I had no smuggles in my +equipage. Very well. I return at my hotel, and meet one of the waiters, +who tell me (after I stand little moment to the door to see the world +what pass by upon a coach at the instant), "Sir," he say, "your dinner +is ready." "Very well," I make response, "where was it?" "This way, +Sir," he answer, "I have put it in a _box_ in the _cafe_ room." "Well, +never mind," I say to myself, "when a man himself finds in a stranger +country, he must be never surprised. '_Nil admirari._' Keep the eyes +open and stare at nothing at all." + +I found my dinner only there there, because I was so soon come from +France; but, I learn, another sort of the box was a partition and table +particular in a saloon, and I keep there when I eated some good sole +fritted, and some not cooked mutton cutlet; and a gentleman what was put +in another _box_, perhaps Mr. Mathew, because nobody not can know him +twice, like a cameleon he is, call for the "pepper-_box_." Very well. I +take a cup of coffee, and then all my hards and portmanteau come with a +wheel-barrow; and, because it was my resolution to voyage up at London +with the coach, and I find my many little things was not convenient, I +ask the waiter where I may buy a night sack, or get them tie up all +together in a burden. He was well attentive at my cares, and responded, +that he shall find me a _box_ to put them all into. Well, I say nothing +to all but "Yes," for fear to discover my ignorance; so he brings the +little _box_ for the clothes and things into the great _box_ what I was +put into; and he did my affairs in it very well. Then I ask him for some +spectacle in the town, and he sent boot boy with me so far as the +theatre, and I go in to pay. It was shabby poor little place, but the +man what set to have the money, when I say, "How much," asked me if I +would not go into the _boxes_. "Very well," I say, "never mind--oh +yes--to be sure;" and I find very soon the _box_ was the loge, same +thing. I had not understanding sufficient in your tongue then to +comprehend all what I hear--only one poor maiger doctor, what had been +to give his physic too long time at a cavalier old man, was condemned to +swallow up a whole _box_ of his proper pills. "Very well," I say, "that +must be egregious. It is cannot be possible," but they bring a little +_box_ not more grand nor my thumb. It seemed to be to me very +ridiculous; so I returned to my hotel at despair how I could possibility +learn a language what meant so many differents in one word. + +I found the same waiter, who, so soon as I come in, tell me--"Sir, did +you not say that you would go by the coach to-morrow morning?" I +replied--"Yes; and I have bespeaked a seat out of the side, because I +shall wish to amuse myself with the country, and you have no cabriolets +in your coaches." "Sir," he say, very polite, "if you shall allow me, I +would recommend you the _box_, and then the coachman shall tell +everything." "Very well," I reply, "yes--to be sure--I shall have a +_box_ then--yes;" and then I demanded a fire into my chamber, because I +think myself enrhumed upon the sea, and the maid of the chamber come to +send me in bed: but I say, "No so quick, if you please; I will write to +some friend how I find myself in England. Very well--here is the fire, +but perhaps it shall go out before I have finish." She was pretty +laughing young woman, and say, "Oh no, Sir, if you pull the bell, the +porter, who sits up all night, will come, unless you like to attend to +it yourself, and then you will find the coal-_box_ in the closet." +Well--I say nothing but "Yes--oh yes." But, when she is gone, I look +direct into the closet, and see a _box_ not no more like none of the +other _boxes_ what I see all day than nothing. + +Well--I write at my friends, and then I tumble about when I wake, and +dream in the sleep what should possible be the description of the _box_, +what I must be put in to-morrow for my voyage. + +In the morning, it was very fine time, I see the coach at the door, and +I walk all around before they bring the horses; but I see nothing what +they can call _boxes_, only the same kind as what my little business was +put into. So I ask for the post of letters at a little boots boy, who +showed me by the Quay, and tell me, pointing by his finger at a +window--"There see, there was the letter-_box_," and I perceive a +crevice. "Very well--all _box_ again to-day," I say, and give my letter +to the master of postes, and go away again at the coach, where I very +soon find out what was coach-_box_, and mount myself upon it. Then come +the coachman habilitated like the gentleman, and the first word he say +was--"Keep horses! Bring my _box_-coat!" and he push up a grand capote +with many scrapes. + +"But--never mind," I say; "I shall see all the _boxes_ in time." So he +kick his leg upon the board, and cry "cheat!" and we are out into the +country in lesser than one minute, and roll at so grand pace, what I +have had fear we will be reversed. But after little times, I take +courage and we begin to entertain together: but I hear one of the wheels +cry squeak, so I tell him, "Sir, one of the wheel would be greased;" +then he make reply nonchalancely, "Oh it is nothing but one of the +_boxes_ what is too tight." But it is very long time after as I learn +that wheel a _box_ was pipe of iron what go turn round upon the axle. + +Well--we fly away at the pace of charge. I see great castles, many; then +come a pretty house of country well ornamented, and I make inquire what +it should be. "Oh!" responded he, "I not remember the gentleman's name, +but it is what we call a snug country _box_." + +Then I feel myself abymed at despair, and begin to suspect that he +amused himself. But, still I tell myself, "Well, never mind; we shall +see." And then after sometimes, there come another house, all alone in a +forest, not ornated at all. "What, how you call that?" I demand of +him--"Oh!" he responded again, "that is a shooting-_box_ of Lord +Killfot's." "Oh!" I cry at last out," that is little too strong;" but he +hoisted his shoulders and say nothing. Well, we come at a house of +country, ancient with the trees cut like some peacocks, and I +demand--"What you call these trees?" "_Box_, Sir," he tell me. "Devil is +in the _box_," I say at myself. "But, never mind; we shall see." So I +myself refreshed with a pinch of snuff and offer him, and he take very +polite, and remark upon an instant--"That is a very handsome _box_ of +yours, Sir." + +"Morbleu!" I exclaimed with inadvertencyness, but I stop myself. Then he +pull out his snuff-_box_, and I take a pinch, because I like at home to +be sociable when I am out at voyages, and not show some pride with +inferior. It was of wood beautiful with turnings, and colour of +yellowish. So I was pleased to admire very much, and inquire the name of +the wood, and again he say--"_Box_, Sir."--Well, I hold myself with +patience, but it was difficilly; and we keep with great gallop, till we +come at a great crowd of the people. Then I say, "What for all so large +concourse?" "Oh!" he response again, "there is one grand _boxing_ +match--a battle here to-day." "Peste!" I tell myself, "a battle of +_boxes_! Well, never mind! I hope it can be a combat at the outrance, +and they all shall destroy one another, for I am fatigued." + +Well--we arrive at an hotel, very superb, all as it ought, and I demand +a morsel to refresh myself. I go into a saloon, but, before I finish, +great noise come into the passage, and I pull the bell's rope to demand +why so great tapage? The waiter tell me, and he laugh at same time, but +very civil no less--"Oh, Sir, it is only two of the women what quarrel, +and one has given another a _box_ on the ear." + +Well--I go back on the coach-box, but I look, as I pass, at all the +women ear, for the _box_; but not none I see. "Well," I tell myself once +more, "never mind, we shall see;" and we drive on very passable and +agreeable times till we approached ourselves near London: but then come +one another coach of the opposition to pass by, and the coachman +say--"No, my boy, it shan't do!" and then he whip his horses, and made +some traverse upon the road, and tell to me, all the times, a long +explication what the other coachman have done otherwhiles, and finish +not till we stop, and the coach of opposition come behind him in one +narrow place. Well--then he twist himself round, and, with full voice, +cry himself out at the another man, who was so angry as himself--"I'll +tell you what, my hearty! If you comes some more of your gammon at me, I +shan't stand, and you shall yourself find in the wrong _box_." It was +not for many weeks after as I find out the wrong _box_ meaning. + +Well--we get at London, at the coaches office, and I unlightened from my +seat, and go at the bureau for pay my passage, and gentleman very polite +demanded if I had some friend at London. I converse with him very little +time in voyaging, because he was in the interior; but I perceive he is +real gentleman. So, I say--"No, Sir, I am stranger." Then he very +honestly recommend me at an hotel, very proper, and tell me--"Sir, +because I have some affairs in the Banque, I must sleep in the City this +night; but to-morrow I shall come at the hotel, where you shall find +some good attentions if you make the use of my name." "Very well," I +tell myself, "this is best." So we exchange the cards, and I have +hackney coach to come at my hotel, where they say--"No room, Sir--very +sorry--no room." But I demand to stop the moment, and produce the card +what I could not read before, in the movements of the coach with the +darkness. The master of the hotel take it from my hand, and become very +polite of the instant, and whisper to the ear of some waiters, and these +come at me, and say--"Oh yes, Sir, I know Mr. _Box_ very well. Worthy +gentleman, Mr. Box. Very proud to incommode any friend of Mr. Box. Pray +inlight yourself, and walk in my house." So I go in, and find myself +very proper, and soon come so as if I was in my own particular chamber; +and Mr. Box come next day, and I find very soon that he was the _right_ +Box, and not the _wrong_ box. Ha, ha! You shall excuse my badinage--eh? +But never mind--I am going at Leicestershire to see the foxes hunting, +and perhaps will get upon a coach-box in the spring, and go at +Edinburgh; but I have fear I cannot come at your "Noctes," because I +have not learn yet to eat so great supper. I always read what they speak +there twice over, except what Mons. Le "Shepherd" say, what I read +three time; but never could comprehend exactly what he say, though I +discern some time the grand idea, what walk in darkness almost +"visible," as your divine Milton say. I am particular fond of the +poetry. I read three books of the "Paradise Lost" to Mr. Box, but he not +hear me no more--he pronounce me perfect. + +After one such compliment, it would be almost the same as ask you for +another, if I shall make apology in case I have not find the correct +idiotism of your language in this letter; so I shall not make none at +all--only throw myself at your mercy, like a great critic. + +I have the honour of subscribe myself, + +Your much obedient servant, + +LOUIS LE CHEMINANT. + +P. S. Ha! ha! It is very droll! I tell my valet, we go at Leicestershire +for the hunting fox. Very well. So soon as I finish this letter, he come +and demand what I shall leave behind in orders for some presents, to +give what people will come at my lodgments for Christmas +_Boxes_.--_Blackwood's Magazine._ + + + + +ABSURDITIES. + + +TO attempt to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty.--To lose +money at play, and then fly into a passion about it.--To ask the +publisher of a new periodical how many copies he sells per week.--To ask +a wine merchant how old his wine is.--To make yourself generally +disagreeable, and wonder that nobody will visit you, unless they gain +some palpable advantage by it.--To get drunk, and complain the next +morning of a headache.--To spend your earnings on liquor, and wonder +that you are ragged.--To sit shivering in the cold because you won't +have a fire till November.--To suppose that reviewers generally read +more than the title-page of the works they praise or condemn.--To judge +of people's piety by their attendance at church.--To keep your clerks on +miserable salaries, and wonder at their robbing you.--Not to go to bed +when you are tired and sleepy, because "it is not bed time."--To make +your servants tell lies for you, and afterwards be angry because they +tell lies for themselves.--To tell your own secrets, and believe other +people will keep them.--To render a man a service voluntarily, and +expect him to be grateful for it.--To expect to make people honest by +hardening them in a jail, and afterwards sending them adrift without the +means of getting work.--To fancy a thing is cheap because a low price is +asked for it.--To say that a man is charitable because he subscribes to +an hospital.--To keep a dog or a cat on short allowance, and complain of +its being a thief.--To degrade human nature in the hope of improving +it.--To praise the beauty of a woman's hair before you know whether it +did not once belong to somebody else.--To expect that your tradespeople +will give you long credit if they generally see you in shabby +clothes.--To arrive at the age of fifty, and be surprised at any vice, +folly, or absurdity your fellow creatures may be guilty of. + + + + +GOOD REASON. + + +AN Irishman being asked why he wore his stockings wrong side out, +replied, "Because there's a hole on the ither side ov 'em." + + + + +PUTTING DOWN A LADY. + + +AT a religious meeting, a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and +thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit +down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said, gravely, "I +think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her +stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired +effect--she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing +by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother, how could you say what +was not the fact?" "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she +had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how +she gets them on." + + + + +WOMAN'S RIGHTS. + + +MISS Lucy Stone, of Boston, a "woman's rights" woman, having put the +question, "Marriage--what is it?" an Irish echo in the _Boston Post_ +inquires, "Wouldn't you like to know?" + + + + +A COMPROMISE. + + +A BOY was caught in the act of stealing dried berries in front of a +store, the other day, and was locked up in a dark closet by the grocer. +The boy commenced begging most pathetically to be released, and after +using all the persuasion that his young imagination could invent, +proposed, "Now, if you'll let me out, and send for my daddy, he'll pay +you for them, and _lick me besides_." This appeal was too much for the +grocer to stand out against. + + + + +ELECTION MORALS. + + +AN elector of a country town, who was warmly pressed during the recent +contest to give his vote to a certain candidate, replied that it was +impossible, since he had already promised to vote for the other. "Oh," +said the candidate, "in election matters, promises, you know, go for +nothing." "If that is the case," rejoined the elector, "I promise you my +vote at once."--_Galignani's Messenger._ + + + + +A QUANDARY. + + +THE _New Orleans Picayune_ defines a quandary thus:--"A baker with both +arms up to the elbows in dough, and a flea in the leg of his trowsers." +We have just heard a story which conveys quite as clever an idea of the +thing as the _Picayune's_ definition. An old gentleman, who had studied +theological subjects rather too much for the strength of his brains, +determined to try his luck in preaching; nothing doubting but that +matter and form would be given him, without any particular preparation +on his own part. Accordingly on Sunday he ascended the pulpit, sung and +prayed, read his text, and stopped. He stood a good while, first on one +leg, and then on the other, casting his eyes up towards the rafters, and +then on the floor, in a merciless quandary. At length language came to +his relief:--"If any of you down there think you can preach, just come +up here and try it!"--_North Carolina Patriot._ + + + + +ELEGANT EXTRACT. + + +A PERFUMER should make a good editor, because he is accustomed to making +"elegant extracts." + + + + +EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY. + + +THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assizes:-- + +_Counsel_: What was the height of the horse?--_Witness_: Sixteen feet. + +_Counsel_: How old was he?--_Witness_: Six years. + +_Counsel_: How high did you say he was?--_Witness_: Sixteen hands. + +_Counsel_: You said, just now, sixteen feet.--_Witness_: Sixteen _feet_! +Did I say sixteen _feet_? + +_Counsel_: You did.--_Witness_: _If I did say sixteen feet, it was +sixteen feet!_--you don't catch me crossing myself! + + + + +THE CAPE COD YANKEE. + + +A YANKEE visiting Boston, introduced himself, as follows: + +"My name is Ichabod Eli Erastus Pickrel; I used to keep a grocery store +deown Cape Cod. Patience Doolittle, she kept a notion store, right over +opposite. One day, Patience come into my store arter a pitcher of +lasses, for home consumption, (ye see, I'd had a kind of a sneaking +notion arter Patience, for some time,) so, ses I, 'Patience, heow would +you like to be made Mrs. Pickrel?' Upon that, she kerflounced herself +rite deown on a bag of salt, in a sort of kniption fitt. I seased the +pitcher, forgetting what was in it, and soused the molasses all over +her, and there she sat, looking like Mount Vesuvius, with the lava +running deown its sides; ye see, she was kivered with love, transport, +and molasses. She was a master large gal, of her bigness, she weighed +three hundred averdupoise, and _a breakfast over_. She could throw +eanermost any feller in our neighborhood, at _Indian hugs_. Arter +awhile, she kum tu, and I imprinted a kiss right on her bussers, that +is, as near as I could for the molasses, and twan't more than a spell +and a half, before _we caught a couple of little Pickrels_. The whooping +cough collered one of them, and _snaked him rite eout of town_. The +other one had a fight with the measles, and got licked. Mrs. Pickrel +took to having the typhus fever for a living, and twan't more than a +half a spell, before she busted up, and left me a disconsolate +wider-er-er. If you know of any putty gals that is in the market, just +tell them that I'm thar myself." + + + + +JOSEPH AND POTIPHAR'S WIFE. + + +A DUTCH boy, being asked why Joseph would not sleep with Potiphar's +wife, replied, after considerable hesitation, "_I schpose he vash not +schleepy_." + + + + +SHE DIDN'T TAKE ANY. + + +A LITTLE girl, after returning from church, where she saw a collection +taken up for the first time, related what took place, and, among other +things, she said, with all her childish innocence, "That a man passed +round a plate that had some money on it, _but she didn't take any_." + + + + +DEFINITIONS. + + +A LADY walking with her husband on the beach, inquired of him, the +difference between exportation and transportation. "Why, my dear," +replied he, "if you were on board yonder vessel, you would be +_exported_, and I should be _transported_." + + + + +CHANCERY. + + +EVERY animal has its enemies; the land tortoise has two enemies--man and +the boa constrictor. Man takes him home and roasts him; and the boa +constrictor swallows him whole, shell and all, and consumes him slowly +in the interior, _as the Court of Chancery does a great +estate_.--_Sydney Smith._ + + + + +SMART UNS. + + +FIRST class in astronomy, stand up. "Where does the sun rise?" "Please, +sir, down in our meadow; I seed it yesterday!" "Hold your tongue, you +dunce; where does the sun rise?" "I know--in the east!" "Right, and why +does it rise in the east?" "Because the _'east_ makes _everything_ +rise." "Out, you booby!" + + + + +MRS. PARTINGTON. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON lately remarked to a legal friend: "If I owes a man a +debt, and makes him the lawless tenant of a blank bill, and he infuses +to incept it, but swears out an execration and levels it upon my body, +if I wouldn't make a pollywog of him drown me in the Nuxwine sea." + + + + +TO THOSE ABOUT TO GO TO LAW. + + +TO him that goes to law, nine things are requisite:--1st, a good deal of +money; 2nd, a good deal of patience; 3rd, a good cause; 4th, a good +attorney; 5th, a good counsel; 6th, good evidence; 7th, a good jury; +8th, a good judge; 9th, good luck. Even with all these, a wise man +should hesitate before going to law. + + + + +ERROR CORRECTED. + + +THE Rev. Sydney Smith, preaching a charity sermon, frequently repeated +the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were the most +distinguished for generosity and the love of their species. The +collection happened to be inferior to his expectations, and he said that +he had evidently made a great mistake, for that his expression should +have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_. + + + + +A QUERY. + + +WHICH travels at the greater speed, heat or cold? Heat: because you can +easily catch cold. + + + + +BACKGAMMON. + + +TOM BROWN says, "A woman may learn one useful doctrine from the game of +backgammon, which is, not to take up her man till she's sure of him." + + + + +TALLEYRAND AGAIN. + + +MONSIEUR de Semonville, one of the ablest tacticians of his time, was +remarkable for the talent with which, amidst the crush of revolutions, +he always managed to maintain his post and take care of his personal +interests. He knew exactly where to address himself for support, and the +right time of availing himself of it. When Talleyrand, one of his most +intimate friends, heard of his death, he reflected for a few minutes, +and then drily observed, "I can't for the life of me make out what +interest Semonville had to serve by dying just now." + + + + +AN EVENING PARTY. + + +A FRIEND of mine, in Portland place, has a wife who inflicts upon him, +every season, two or three immense evening parties. At one of those +parties, he was standing in a very forlorn condition, leaning against +the chimney-piece, when a gentleman coming up to him, said, "Sir, as +neither of us is acquainted with any of the people here, I think we had +best go home." + + + + +SAM SLICK HOOKING LUCY'S GOWN. + + +"WELL, just as I was ready to start away, down comes Lucy to the keepin' +room, with both arms behind her head, a fixin' of the hooks and eyes. +'Man alive,' says she, 'are you here yet? I thought you was off gunnin' +an hour ago; who'd a thought you was here?' 'Gunnin'?' says I, 'Lucy, my +gunnin' is over, I shan't go no more, now, I shall go home; I agree with +you; shiverin' alone under a wet bush, for hours, is no fun; but if Lucy +was there'--'Get out,' says she, 'don't talk nonsense, Sam, and just +fasten the other hook and eye of my frock, will you?' She turned round +her back to me. Well, I took the hook in one hand, and the eye in the +other; but arth and seas! my eyes fairly snapped again; I never see such +a neck since I was raised. It sprung right out o' the breast and +shoulder, full round, and then tapered up to the head like a swan's, and +the complexion would beat the most delicate white and red rose that ever +was seen. Lick, it made me all eyes! I jist stood stock still, I +couldn't move a finger, if I was to die for it. 'What ails you, Sam,' +says she, 'that you don't hook it?' 'Why,' says I, 'Lucy, dear, my +fingers is all thumbs, that's a fact, I can't handle such little things +as fast as you can.' 'Well, come,' says she, 'make haste, that's a dear, +mother will be comin' directly;' and at last I shut to both my eyes, and +fastened it; and when I had done, says I, 'There is one thing I must +say, Lucy.' 'What's that?' says she. 'That you may stump all Connecticut +to show such an angeliferous neck as you have. I never saw the beat of +it in all my born days--it's the most----' 'And you may stump the State, +too,' says she, 'to produce such another bold, forrard, impedent, +onmannerly tongue, as you have--so there now--so get along with +you.'"--_Sam Slick._ + + + + +A GREAT CALF. + + +SIR William B., being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which +were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the +farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two +colleges at each university?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of +that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, +the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."--_Flowers of Anecdote._ + + + + +TAXATION. + + +THERE is one passage in the Scriptures, to which all the potentates of +Europe seem to have given their unanimous assent and approbation, and to +have studied so thoroughly, as to have it at their fingers' +ends:--"There went out a decree in the days of Augustus Caesar, that all +the world should be taxed."--_C. C. Colton._ + + + + +AN ITINERANT MARTYR. + + +"JIM," said one fast man, yesterday to another, "it is reported that you +left the East, on account of your belief, an itinerant martyr." "How," +replied Jim, flattered by the remark, "how's that?" "Why, a police +officer told me that you believed everything you saw belonged to you, +and as the public didn't, you left." + + + + +SEE--SAW. + + +"NOGGS, Jr," speaking of a blind wood sawyer, says: "While none ever +_saw_ him _see_, thousands have _seen_ him _saw_." + + + + +FELLOW-FEELING. + + +A COUNTRYMAN was dragging a calf by a rope in a cruel manner. An +Irishman asked him if that was the way "he threated a fellow creathur?" + + + + +MISAPPLICATION OF WORDS BY FOREIGNERS. + + +THE misapplication of English words by foreigners is often very +ludicrous. A German friend saluted us once with, "Oh, good bye, good +bye!"--meaning, of course, "How d'ye do?" It is said that Dr. Chalmers +once entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he asked +if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked the +meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was told that it meant +"preserved." The poor man, in a public prayer, soon after, offered a +petition that the distinguished divine might long be "kippered to the +Free Church of Scotland." + + + + +WHAT IS A SPOON? + + +A "SPOON" is a thing that is often near a lady's lips without kissing +them. This is like the definition of a "muff," viz., a thing which holds +a lady's hand without squeezing it. + + + + +A CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE. + + +"YOU say, Mrs. Smith, that you have lived with the defendant for eight +years. Does the Court understand from that, that you are married to +him?" "In course it does." "Have you a marriage certificate?" "Yes, your +honor, three on 'em--two gals and a boy." Verdict for the plaintiff. + + + + +UNFAIR ADVANTAGE. + + +ONE of the best things lately said upon age--a very ticklish subject by +the way--was the observation of Mr. James Smith to Mr. Thomas Hill. +"Hill," said the former gentleman, "you take an unfair advantage of an +accident: the register of your birth was burnt in the great fire of +London, and you avail yourself of the circumstance to give out that you +are younger than you are." + + + + +TWO-FOLD ILLUSTRATION. + + +SIR Fletcher Norton was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading +before Lord Mansfield, on some question of manorial right, he chanced +unfortunately to say, "My Lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant +in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge +immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all know +it, Sir Fletcher." + + + + +A YANKEE STORY. + + +AN Englishman was bragging of the speed on English railroads to a Yankee +traveler seated at his side in one of the cars of a "fast train," in +England. The engine bell was rung as the train neared a station. It +suggested to the Yankee an opportunity of "taking down his companion a +peg or two." "What's that noise?" innocently inquired the Yankee. "We +are approaching a town," said the Englishman; "they have to commence +ringing about ten miles before they get to a station, or else the train +would run by it before the bell could be heard! Wonderful, isn't it? I +suppose they haven't invented bells in America yet?" "Why, yes," replied +the Yankee, "we've got bells, but can't use them on our railroads. We +run so 'tarnal fast that the train always keeps ahead of the sound. No +use whatever; the sound never reaches the village till after the train +gets by." "Indeed!" exclaimed the Englishman. "Fact," said the Yankee; +"had to give up bells. Then we tried steam whistles--but they wouldn't +answer either. I was on a locomotive when the whistle was tried. We were +going at a tremendous rate--hurricanes were nowhere, and I had to hold +my hair on. We saw a two-horse wagon crossing the track about five miles +ahead, and the engineer let the whistle on, screeching like a trooper. +It screamed awfully, but it wasn't no use. The next thing I knew, I was +picking myself out of a pond by the roadside, amid the fragments of the +locomotive, dead horses, broken wagon, and dead engineer lying beside +me. Just then the whistle came along, mixed up with some frightful oaths +that I had heard the engineer use when he first saw the horses. Poor +fellow! he was dead before his voice got to him. After that we tried +lights, supposing these would travel faster than the sound. We got some +so powerful that the chickens woke up all along the road when we came +by, supposing it to be morning. But the locomotive kept ahead of it +still, and was in the darkness, with the lights close on behind it. The +inhabitants petitioned against it; they couldn't sleep with so much +light in the night time. Finally, we had to station electric telegraphs +along the road, with signal men to telegraph when the train was in +sight; and I have heard that some of the fast trains beat the lightning +fifteen minutes every forty miles. But I can't say as that is true; the +rest I know to be so."--_New York Tribune._ + + + + +ANCIENT DESCENT. + + +NOT long since a certain noble peer in Yorkshire, who is fond of +boasting of his Norman descent, thus addressed one of his tenants, who, +he thought, was not speaking to him with proper respect: "Do you not +know that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?" "And, +mayhap," retorted the sturdy Saxon, nothing daunted, "they found mine +here when they comed." The noble lord felt that he had the worst of it. + + + + +BAD'S THE BEST. + + +MR. CANNING was once asked by an English clergyman how he had liked the +sermon he had preached before him. + +"Why, it was a short sermon," quoth Canning. "Oh, yes," said the +preacher; "you know I avoid being tedious." "Ah, but," replied Canning, +"you _were_ tedious." + + + + +QUEER DUELS. + + +A CERTAIN man of pleasure, about London, received a challenge from a +young gentleman of his acquaintance; and they met at the appointed +place. Just before the signal for firing was given, the man of pleasure +rushed up to his antagonist, embraced him, and vehemently protested that +he could not lift his arm "_against his own flesh and blood_!" The young +gentleman, though he had never heard any imputation cast upon his +mother's character, was so much staggered, that (as the ingenious man of +pleasure had foreseen) no duel took place. + +HUMPHREY HOWARTH, the surgeon, was called out, and made his appearance +in the field, stark naked, to the astonishment of the challenger, who +asked him what he meant. "I know," said H., "that if any part of the +clothing is carried into the body, by a gunshot wound, festering ensues; +and therefore I have met you thus." His antagonist declared, that +fighting with a man _in puris naturalibus_, would be quite ridiculous; +and accordingly they parted, without further discussion. + +LORD ALVANLEY, on returning home, after his duel with young O'Connell, +gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman, who had driven him out, and +brought him back. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, +"My lord, I only took you to ----." Alvanley interrupted him, "My +friend, the guinea is _for bringing me back_, not for taking me out." + + + + +PROVOKING. + + +TO kneel before your goddess, and burst both pantaloon straps. + + + + +TEACHING A FOREIGNER TO SPEAK ENGLISH. + + +MY friend, the foreigner, called on me to bid me farewell, before he +quitted town, and on his departure, he said, "I am going at the +country." I ventured to correct his phraseology, by saying that we were +accustomed to say "going into the country." He thanked me for this +correction and said he had profited by my lesson, and added, "I will +knock _into your_ door, on my return."--_Memorials._ + + + + +PHILOSOPHY. + + +_Experimental_ philosophy--asking a man to lend you money. _Moral_ +philosophy--refusing to do it. + + + + +INGENIOUS ADVERTISEMENT. + + +SYDNEY SMITH, once upon a time, despatched a pretentious octavo, in the +_Edinburgh_, with a critique, one paragraph in length; that achievement +is matched by the disposal of a work in the _Courier and Enquirer_, as +follows, by ingeniously employing the opening sentence of the book +itself:-- + +"_The History of Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia._ A Tale by SAMUEL +JOHNSON, LL. D. A new edition, with illustrations. 12mo., pp. 206. +New York: C. S. FRANCIS & CO. + +"Ye who listen with credulity to the whispers of fancy, and pursue with +eagerness the phantoms of hope; who expect that age will perform the +promises of youth, and that deficiencies of the present day will be +supplied by the morrow; attend to the history of _Rasselas_, Prince of +Abyssinia." + + + + +CURIOUS CONVEYANCE. + + +SUTTON was part of the demesne of John of Gaunt, the celebrated Duke of +Lancaster, who gifted it to an ancestor of the proprietor, Sir J. M. +Burgoyne, as appears from the following quaint lines:-- + + "I, John of Gaunt, + Do give and do grant, + Unto Roger Burgoyne, + And the heirs of his loin, + Both Sutton and Potton, + Until the world's rotten." + + + + +SMOKING MANNERS. + + +A KENTUCKIAN visited a merchant at New York, with whom, after dinner, he +drank wine and smoked cigars, spitting on the carpet, much to the +annoyance of his host, who desired a spittoon to be brought for his +troublesome visitor; he, however, pushed it away with his foot, and when +it was replaced, he kicked it away again, quite unaware of its use. When +it had been thrice replaced, the Kentuckian drawled out to the servant +who had brought it: "I tell you what; you've been pretty considerable +troublesome with that ere thing, I guess; if you put it there again, I'm +hung if I don't spit in it." + + + + +LANDSEER AND SIDNEY SMITH. + + +MR. LANDSEER, the best living animal painter, once asked the late Rev. +Sydney Smith if he would grant him a sitting, whereupon the Rev. Canon +biblically replied--"Is thy servant a dog that he should do this +thing?" + + + + +SPECKLED BUTTER. + + +"DO you want to buy a real lot of butter?" said a Yankee notion dealer, +who had picked up a load at fifty different places, to a Boston +merchant. + +"What kind of butter is it?" asked the buyer. + +"The clean quill; all made by my wife; a dairy of forty cows, only two +churnings." + +"But what makes it so many different colors?" said the merchant. + +"Darnation! hear that, now. I guess you wouldn't ax that question if +you'd see my cows, for they are a darned sight speckleder than the +butter is." + + + + +A LOGICAL BAGGAGE MASTER. + + +THE post of baggage master on a railroad train is not an enviable one. +There is often a wide difference between the company's regulations, and +the passenger's opinion of what articles, and what amount of them, +properly come under the denomination of baggage; and this frequently +subjects the unlucky official of the trunks and bandbox department to +animated discussions with a certain class of the traveling public. We +heard lately an anecdote of George, the affable B. M. on Capt. Cobb's +train on the Virginia and Tennessee road, which is too good to be lost. +A passenger presented himself at a way station on the road, with two +trunks and a saddle for which he requested checks. The baggage master +promptly checked the trunks, but demanded the extra charge of +twenty-five cents for the saddle. To this the passenger demurred, and +losing his temper, peremptorily asked:-- + +"Will you check my baggage, sir?" + +"Are you a horse?" quietly inquired George. + +"What do you mean, sir?" exclaimed the irritated traveler. + +"You claim to have this saddle checked as baggage?" + +"Certainly--it is baggage," positively returned the passenger. + +"Well," said the imperturbable George, "by the company's regulations +nothing but wearing apparel is admitted to be baggage, and if the saddle +is your wearing apparel, of course you must be a horse! Now, sir, just +allow me to strap it on your back, and it shall go to the end of the +road without any extra charge whatever." + +The traveller paid his quarter and offered George his hat.--_Bristol +News._ + + + + +A PHYSICIAN'S LIFE. + + +NOTHING vexes a physician so much as to be sent for in great haste, and +to find, after his arrival, that nothing, or next to nothing, is the +matter with his patient. We remember an "urgent case" of this kind, +recorded of an eminent English surgeon. + +He had been sent for by a gentleman who had just received a slight +wound, and gave his servant orders to go home with all haste imaginable, +and fetch a certain plaster. The patient turning a little pale, said: + +"Heavens, sir! I hope there is no danger!" + +"Indeed there is!" answered the surgeon: "for if the fellow doesn't run +there like a cart horse, the wound will be healed before he can possibly +get back." + + + + +A CONSTELLATION. + + +THE following conversation occurred between a theatrical manager and an +aspirant for Thespian honors: + +"What is your pleasure?" asked the manager. + +"An engagement at your theatre," said the applicant. + +"But you stammer." + +"Like Hatterton." + +"You are very small." + +"Like Kean." + +"You speak monotonously." + +"Like Macready." + +"And through the nose." + +"Like Booth." + +"And you make faces." + +"Like Burton." + +"You have badly shaped legs." + +"Like Wallack." + +"And brawny arms." + +"Like Forrest." + +"An obese person." + +"Like Blake." + +"But you unite the defects of all these stars." + +"Th-th-that's just it. If you engage me, you will need no stars at all." + + + + +INTEREST. + + +"PA, what is the interest of a kiss?" asked a sweet sixteen of her sire. +"Well, really, I don't know. Why do you ask?" "Because George borrowed a +kiss from me last night, and said he would pay it back with interest +after we were married." + + + + +FLATFOOTED COURTSHIP. + + +ONE long summer afternoon there came to Mr. Davidson's the most curious +specimen of an old bachelor the world ever heard of. He was old, gray, +wrinkled, and odd. He hated women, especially old maids, and wasn't +afraid to say so. He and aunt Patty had it hot and heavy, whenever +chance threw them together; yet still he came, and it was noticed that +aunt Patty took unusual pains with her dress whenever he was expected. +One day the contest waged unusually strong. Aunt Patty left him in +disgust and went out into the garden. "The bear!" she muttered to +herself, as she stooped to gather a blossom which attracted her +attention. + +"What did you run away for?" said a gruff voice close to her side. + +"To get rid of you." + +"You didn't do it, did you?" + +"No, you are worse than a burdock bur." + +"You won't get rid of me neither." + +"I won't! eh?" + +"Only in one way." + +"And what?" + +"Marry me!" + +"What! us two fools get married? What will people say?" + +"That's nothing to us. Come, say yes or no, I'm in a hurry." + +"Well, no, then." + +"Very well, good bye. I shan't come again." + +"But stop a bit--what a pucker to be in!" + +"Yes or no?" + +"I must consult"-- + +"All right--I thought you was of age. Good bye." + +"Jabez Andrews, don't be a fool. Come back, come back, I say. Why, I +believe the critter has taken me for earnest. Jabez Andrews, I'll +consider." + +"I don't want no considering. I'm gone. Becky Hastings is waiting for +me. I thought I'd give you the first chance. All right. Good bye." + +"Jabez! Jabez! That stuck up Becky Hastings shan't have him, if I die +for it. Jabez--yes. Do you hear? Y-e-s!" + + + + +AMUSING INCIDENT IN COURT. + + +AT the Durham assizes, a very deaf old lady, who had brought an action +for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the Judge +suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask her what she would +take to settle the matter. "What will you take?" asked a gentleman in a +bob-tailed wig, of the old lady. The old lady merely shook her head at +the counsel, informing the jury, in confidence, that "she was very hard +o' hearing." "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the +counsel again, this time bawling as loud as ever he could in the old +lady's ear. "I thank his lordship kindly," the ancient dame answered +stoutly, "and if it's no ill convenience to him, I'll take a little warm +ale." (Roars of laughter.)--_English Paper._ + + + + +BAD DINNER. + + +THEODORE HOOK, in describing a badly dressed dinner, observed that +everything was sour but the vinegar. + + + + +PRINTER AND DUTCHMAN. + + +SELDOM does a live Dutchman get the credit of more smart things than are +set down to him in this catechism that he puts to a journeyman printer. + +A Dutchman sitting at the door of his tavern in the Far West, is +approached by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigrating westward on foot, +with a bundle on a cane over his shoulder: + +"Vell, Misther Valking Sthick, vat you vant?" + +"Rest and refreshments," replied the printer. + +"Super and lotchin, I reckon?" + +"Yes, supper and lodging, if you please." + +"Pe ye a Yankee peddler, mit chewelry in your pack, to sheat the gals?" + +"No, sir, I am no Yankee peddler." + +"A singin'-master, too lazy to work?" + +"No, sir." + +"A shenteel shoemaker, vat loves to measure te gals' feet and hankles +petter tan to make te shoes?" + +"No, sir, or I should have mended my own shoes." + +"A pook achent, vat podders te school committees till they do vat you +vish, shoost to get rid of you?" + +"Guess again, sir. I am no book agent." + +"Te tyfels! a dentist, preaking te people's jaws at a dollar a shnag, +and running off mit my daughter?" + +"No sir, I am no tooth-puller." + +"Prenologus, ten, feeling te young folks, heads like so much cabbitch?" + +"No, I am no phrenologist." + +"Vell, ten, vat the mischief can you be? Shoost tell, and ye shall have +te pest sassage for supper, and shtay all night, free gratis, mitout a +cent, and a shill of whiskey to start mit in te morning." + +"I am an humble disciple of Faust--a professor of the art that preserves +all arts--a typographer at your service." + +"Votch dat?" + +"A printer, sir: a man that prints books and newspapers." + +"A man vat printish nooshpapers! oh yaw! yaw! ay, dat ish it. A man vat +printish nooshpapers! Yaw! yaw! Valk up! a man vat printish nooshpapers! +I vish I may pe shot if I didn't dink you vas a poor old dishtrict +schoolmaster, who verks for notting and poards around--I tought you vas +him!" + + + + +TRUTH STRANGER THAN FICTION. + + +A NEW ORLEANS lady recently eloped, leaving a note, bidding her +idolizing husband good bye, and requesting him not to mourn for the +children, as "none of them were his." + + + + +TELLING ONE'S AGE. + + +A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said, "Alas! I am near +thirty." Scarron, who was present, and knew her age, said, "Do not fret +at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every +day." + + + + +ALL FLESH IS DUST. + + +"MAMMA," said a promising youth of some four or five years, "if all +people are made of dust, ain't niggers made of coal-dust?" + + + + +TALLEYRAND. + + +AT a time when public affairs were in a very unsettled state, a +gentleman, who squinted terribly, asked Talleyrand how things were going +on. "Why, as you see, Sir," was the reply. + + + + +KITCHINER AND COLMAN. + + +THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivans_ of the day graced the +dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchiner, and, _inter alios_, the late +George Colman, who was an especial favourite; his interpolation of a +little monosyllable in a written admonition which the doctor caused to +be placed on the mantel-piece of the dining-parlour will never be +forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom +permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at +eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's +attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment, +"Come at seven, go it at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret +was punished accordingly. + + + + +CREDIT. + + +AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's +description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his +tradesmen's bills;" Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence +on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of +debts;" and Pelham's argument, that it is respectable to be arrested, +because it shows that the party once had credit. + + + + +SWIFT. + + +IN the reign of King William, it happened that the king had either +chosen or actually taken this motto for his stage coach in Ireland: "Non +rapui, sed recepi,"--"I did not steal it, but received it," alluding to +his being called to the throne by the people. This was reported to Swift +by one of the court emissaries. "And what," said he to the Dean, "do you +think the Prince of Orange has chosen for his motto?" "Dutch cheese," +said the Dean. "No," said the gentleman, "but 'non rapui, sed recepi.'" +"Aye," said the Dean, "but it is an old saying and a true one, '_The +receiver is as bad as the thief._'" + + + + +ALL CORNED. + + +A SHOWMAN giving entertainments in Lafayette, Ind., was offered by one +man a bushel of corn for admission. The manager declined it, saying that +all the members of his company had been corned for the last week. + + + + +THE SEWING MACHINE. + + +"WHAT do you think of the new sewing machine?" inquired a gentleman of +his friend, who was somewhat of a wag. "Oh," replied the punster, "I +consider it a capital make shift." + + + + +POLITENESS. + + +AN Irish officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon ball passed over +his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him; "You +see," said he, "that a man never loses by politeness." + + + + +GEORGE SELWYN. + + +GEORGE SELWYN, as everybody knows, delighted in seeing executions; he +never missed _being in at a death_ at Tyburn. When Lord Holland (the +father of Charles Fox) was confined to bed, by a dangerous illness, he +was informed by his servant that Mr. Selwyn had recently called to +inquire for him. "On his next visit," said Lord Holland, "be sure you +let him in, whether I am alive or a corpse; for, if I am alive, I shall +have great pleasure in seeing _him_; and if I am a corpse, _he will have +great pleasure in seeing me_." + + + + +CHANCERY PUN. + + +LORD ELDON (the Chancellor) related of his predecessor, _Lord Erskine_, +that, being at a dinner party with Captain Parry, after his first voyage +of discovery, he (Lord Erskine) asked the intrepid navigator, what +himself and his hardy crew lived on, when frozen up in the polar seas. +"On _the Seals_, to be sure," replied Parry. "And a very good living, +too," said the ex-chancellor, "if you keep them long enough!"--_Twiss's +Life of Lord Eldon._ + + + + +KILTS. + + +I SHALL be off to the Highlands this fall; but cuss 'em, they han't got +no woods there; nuthin' but heather, and that's only high enough to tear +your clothes. That's the reason the Scotch don't wear no breeches; they +don't like to get 'em ragged up that way for everlastinly; they can't +afford it; so they let 'em scratch and tear their skin, for that will +grow agin, and trousers won't.--_Sam Slick._ + + + + +LORD ELLENBOROUGH. + + +LORD ELLENBOROUGH had infinite wit. When the income-tax was imposed, he +said that Lord Kenyon (who was not very nice in his habits) intended, in +consequence of it, to lay down--his pocket-handkerchief. + +A lawyer, one day, pleading before him, and using several times, the +expression, "my unfortunate client," Lord Ellenborough suddenly +interrupted him: "There, sir, the court is with you." + + + + +EVIDENCE. + + +THE following is the next best thing to the evidence concerning the +stone "_as big as a piece of chalk_." "Were you traveling on the night +this affair took place?" "I should say I was, Sir." "What kind of +weather was it? Was it raining at the time?" "It was so dark that I +could not see it raining; but I felt it dropping, though." "How dark was +it?" "I had no way of telling; but it was not light, by a jug full." +"Can't you compare it to something?" "Why, if I was going to compare it +to anything, I should say it was about as dark as a stack of black +cats." + + + + +AN UP AND DOWN REPLY. + + +DURING the examination of a witness, as to the locality of stairs in a +house, the counsel asked him, "Which way the stairs ran?" The witness, +who, by the way, was a noted wag, replied, that "One way they ran up +stairs, but the other way they ran down stairs." The learned counsel +winked both eyes and then took a look at the ceiling. + + + + +SNORING. + + +A WESTERN statesman, in one of his tours in the Far West, stopped all +night at a house, where he was put in the same room with a number of +strangers. He was very much annoyed by the snoring of two persons. The +black boy of the hotel entered the room, when our narrator said to him: + +"Ben, I will give you five dollars if you will kill that man next to me +who snores so dreadfully." + +"Can't kill him for five dollars, but if massa will advance on the +price, I'll try what I can do." + +By this time the stranger had ceased his nasal fury. The other was now +to be quieted. So stepping to him he woke him, and said: + +"My friend, [he knew who he was,] you're talking in your sleep, and +exposing all the secrets of the Brandon Bank, [he was a director,] you +had better be careful." + +He was careful, for he did not go to sleep that night. + + + + +TANNING. + + +"DADDY," said a hopeful urchin to his parental relative, "why don't our +schoolmaster send the editor of the newspaper an account of all the +lickings he gives to the boys?" + +"I don't know, my son," replied the parent, "but why do you ask me such +a question?" + +"Why, this paper says that Mr. B. has tanned three thousand hides at his +establishment during the past year, and I know that old Grimes has +tanned our hides more'n twice that many times--the editor ought to know +it." + + + + +A PRINTER IN COURT. + + +A SUIT came on the other day in which a printer named Kelvy was a +witness. The case was an assault and battery that came off between two +men named Brown and Henderson. + +"Mr. Kelvy, did you witness the affair referred to?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"Well, what have you to say about it?" + +"That it was the best piece of punctuation I have seen for some time." + +"What do you mean by that?" + +"Why, that Brown dotted one of Henderson's eyes, for which Henderson put +a period to Brown's breathing for about half a minute." + +The court comprehended the matter at once, and fined the defendant fifty +dollars. + + + + +TAKING THE PAPER. + + +"SIR," said a pompous personage who once undertook to bully an editor, +"do you know that I take your paper?" "I've no doubt you take it," +replied the man of the quill, "for several of my honest subscribers have +been complaining lately about their papers being missing in the +morning." + + + + +IMPRESSIVE DISCOURSE. + + +IT is stated that the Rev. George Trask, of Pittsburg, lectured so +powerfully in Webster, a few days ago, against the use of tobacco, that +several of his audience went home and burned their cigars--holding one +end of them in their mouths. + + + + +HOW "GEORGE" BECAME A TEETOTALER. + + +A SHORT time since, a young man living in Ogdensburgh, N. Y., whose name +we shall call George, took to drinking rather more than usual, and some +of his friends endeavored to cure him. One day, when he was in rather a +loose condition, they got him in a room, and commenced conversing about +_delirium tremens_, directing all their remarks to him, and telling him +what fearful objects, such as snakes and rats, were always seen by the +victims of this horrible disease. When the conversation had waxed high +on this theme, one of the number stepped out of the room, and from a +trap which was at hand let a large rat into the room. None of his +friends appeared to see it, but the young man who was to be the victim +seized a chair and hurled it at the rat, completely using up the piece +of furniture in the operation. Another chair shared the same fate, when +his friends seized him, and with terror depicted on their faces, +demanded to know what was the matter. + +"Why, don't you see that cursed big rat?" said he, pointing to the +animal, which, after the manner of rats, was making his way round the +room, close to the walls. + +They all saw it, but all replied that they didn't see it--"_there was no +rat_." + +"But there _is_!" said he, as another chair went to pieces in an +ineffectual attempt to crush the obnoxious vermin. + +At this moment they again seized him, and after a terrific scuffle threw +him down on the floor, and with terror screamed-- + +"Charley! run for a doctor!" + +Charley started for the door, when George desired to be informed "what +the devil was up." + +"Up!" said they, "why, you've got the _delirium tremens_!" + +Charley opened the door to go out, when George raised himself on his +elbow, and said, "Charley, where are you going?" + +"Going!" said Charley, "going for a doctor." + +"Going for a doctor!" rejoined George; "for what?" + +"For what?" repeated Charley, "why, you've got the _delirium tremens_!" + +"The _delirium tremens_--have I?" repeated George. "How do you know I've +got the delirium tremens?" + +"Easy enough," says Charley; "you've commenced _seeing rats_." + +"Seeing rats!" said George, in a sort of musing way; "seeing rats. Think +you must be mistaken, Charley." + +"Mistaken!" said Charley. + +"Yes, mistaken," rejoined George. "_I ain't the man--I haven't seen no +rat!_" + +The boys let George up after that, and from that day to this he hasn't +touched a glass of liquor, and "_seen no rats_"--not the first rat. + + + + +BISHOP BURNET. + + +BISHOP BURNET, once preaching before Charles II., was much warmed by his +subject, and uttering a religious truth in a very earnest manner, with +great vehemence struck his fist upon the desk, and cried out in a loud +voice, "Who dare deny this?" "Faith," observed the king, in a tone not +quite so loud as the preacher, "nobody that is within the reach of that +great fist of yours." + + + + +ANA FROM "MOORE'S LIFE." + + +MERCER mentioned that, on the death of the Danish ambassador here, (in +Paris,) some commissaire of police, having come to the house for the +purpose of making a _proces verbal_ of his death, it was resisted by the +suite, as an infringement of the ambassador's privilege, to which the +answer of the police was, that _Un ambassadeur des qu'il est mort, +rentre dans la vie privee._--"An ambassador, when dead, returns to +private life." Lord Bristol and his daughters came in the evening; the +Rancliffes, too. Mr. Rich said, at dinner, that a cure (I forget in what +part of France) asked him once, whether it was true that the English +women wore rings in their noses? to which Mr. R. answered, that "in the +north of England, near China, it was possible they might, but certainly +not about London." + +WE talked of Wordsworth's exceedingly high opinion of himself; and she +mentioned, that one day, in a large party, Wordsworth, without anything +having been previously said that could lead to the subject, called out +suddenly, from the top of the table to the bottom, in his most epic +tone, "Davy!" and, on Davy's putting forth his head, in an awful +expectation of what was coming, said, "Do you know the reason why I +published the 'White Doe' in quarto?" "No, what was it?" "To show the +world my own opinion of it." + +BUSHE told of an Irish country squire, who used, with hardly any means, +to give entertainments to the militia, &c., in his neighborhood; and +when a friend expostulated with him, on the extravagance of giving +claret to these fellows, when whiskey punch would do just as well, he +answered, "You are very right, my dear friend; but I have the claret on +tick, and where the devil would I get credit for the _lemons_?" Douglas +mentioned the story of some rich grazier, in Ireland, whose son went on +a tour to Italy, with express injunctions from the father, to write to +him whatever was worthy of notice. Accordingly, on his arrival in Italy, +he wrote a letter, beginning as follows: "Dear Father, the Alps is a +very high mountain, and bullocks bear no price." Lady Susan and her +daughters, and the Kingstons, came in the evening, and all supped. A +French writer mentions, as a proof of Shakspeare's attention to +particulars, his allusion to the climate of Scotland, in the words, +"Hail, hail, all hail!"--_Grele, grele, toute grele._ + +MET Luttrell on the Boulevards, and walked with him. In remarking rather +a pretty woman who passed, he said, "The French women are often in the +suburbs of beauty, but never enter the town." Company at Lord Holland's, +Allen, Henry Fox, the _black_ Fox, (attached to the embassy,) Denon, +and, to my great delight, Lord John Russell, who arrived this morning. +Lord Holland told, before dinner, (_a propos_ of something,) of a man +who professed to have studied "Euclid," all through, and upon some one +saying to him, "Well, solve me that problem," answered, "Oh, I never +looked at the cuts." + +AFTER Williams and I had sung one of the "Irish melodies," somebody +said, "Everything that's national, is delightful." "Except the National +Debt, ma'am," says Poole. Took tea at Vilamil's, and danced to the +piano-forte. Wrote thirteen or fourteen lines before I went out. In +talking of the organs in Gall's craniological system, Poole said he +supposed a drunkard had a _barrel_ organ. + +DINED at Lattin's: company, Lords Holland, John Russell, Thanet, and +Trimelstown; Messrs. Maine de Biron and Denon, Luttrel and Concannon. +Abundance of noise and Irish stories from Lattin; some of them very +good. A man asked another to come and dine off boiled beef and potatoes, +with him. "That I will," says the other; "and it's rather odd it should +be exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, _barring the +beef_." Some one, using the old expression about some light wine he was +giving, "There's not a head-ache in a hogshead of it," was answered; +"No, but there's a belly-ache in every glass of it." Denon told an +anecdote of a man, who, having been asked repeatedly to dinner, by a +person whom he knew to be but a shabby Amphitryon, went at last, and +found the dinner so meagre and bad, that he did not get a bit to eat. +When the dishes were removing, the host said, "Well, now the ice is +broken, I suppose you will ask me to dine with you, some day."--"Most +willingly." "Name your day, then."--"_Aujourd'hui par example_," +answered the dinnerless guest. Luttrel told of a good phrase of an +attorney's, in speaking of a reconciliation that had taken place between +two persons whom he wished to set by the ears, "I am sorry to tell you, +sir, that a compromise has _broken out_ between the parties." + + + + +CATCHUP QUESTION. + + +A PERSON meeting a friend running through the rain, with an umbrella +over him, said, "Where are you running to in such a hurry, _like a mad +mushroom_?" + + + + +A REBUKE. + + +A YANKEE, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured +General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said +Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look +back." + + + + +A GENTLEMAN. + + +"THERE can be no doubt," said Mrs. Nickleby, "that he is a gentleman, +and has the manners of a gentleman, and the appearance of a gentleman, +although he does wear smalls, and gray worsted stockings. That may be +eccentricity, or he may be proud of his legs. I don't see why he +shouldn't be. The Prince Regent was proud of his legs, and so was Daniel +Lambert, who was also a fat man; _he_ was proud of his legs. So was Miss +Biffin: she was--no, "added Mrs. Nickleby, correcting herself, "I think +she had only toes, but the principle is the same."--_Dickens._ + + + + +MODESTY. + + +THERE is a young man in Cincinnati, who is so modest that he will not +"embrace an opportunity." He would make a good mate for the lady who +fainted when she heard of the naked truth. + + + + +NATIONAL PARADOXES. + + +SOMEBODY once remarked, that the Englishman is never happy, but when he +is miserable; the Scotchman is never at home, but when he is abroad; and +the Irishman is never at peace, but when he is fighting. + + + + +A DUTCH JURY. + + +JUDGE JONES, of Indiana, who never allows a chance for a joke to pass +him, occupied the bench when it became necessary to obtain a juryman in +a case in which L----and B---- were employed as counsel. The former was +an illiterate Hibernian, the latter decidedly German in his modes of +expression: + +The sheriff immediately proceeded to look around the room in search of a +person to fill the vacant seat, when he espied a Dutch Jew, and claimed +him as his own. The Dutchman objected. + +"I can't understant goot Englese." + +"What did he say?" asked the judge. + +"I can't understant goot Englese," he repeated. + +"Take your seat," cried the judge, "take your seat; that's no excuse. +You are not likely to hear any of it!" + +Under that decision he took his seat. + + + + +A YELLOW FEVER JOKE. + + +THE _Mobile Advertiser_, of the 19th ult., tells the following good +story of a notorious practical joker of that city, yclept "Straight-back +Dick." Dick was at the wharf, one day last week, when one of the up +river boats arrived. He watched closely the countenance of each +passenger as he stepped from the plank upon the wharf, and at length +fastened his gaze upon an individual, who, from his appearance and +manner, was considerably nearer Mobile than he had ever been before. He +was evidently ill at ease, and had probably heard the reports which were +rife in the country relative to the hundreds dying in Mobile every hour +from yellow fever. The man started off towards Dauphin street, carpet +sack in hand, but had not proceeded far when a heavy hand was laid upon +his shoulder, and he suddenly stopped. Upon turning round, he met the +cold, serious countenance of Dick, and it seemed to send a thrill of +terror throughout his whole frame. After looking at him steadily for +about a minute, Dick slowly ejaculated: + +"Yes, you are the man. Stand straight!" + +With fear visible in his countenance, the poor fellow essayed to do as +commanded. + +"Straighter yet!" said Dick. "There, that will do," and taking from his +pocket a small tape measure, he stooped down and measured him from the +sole of his boot to the crown of his hat, took a pencil and carefully +noted the height in his pocket book, to the utter amazement of the +stranger; after which he measured him across the shoulders, and again +noted the dimensions. He then looked the stranger firmly in the face and +said: + +"Sir, I am very sorry that it is so, but I really will not be able to +finish it for you before morning." + +"Finish what?" asked the stranger, endeavoring in vain to appear calm. + +"Why, your coffin, to be sure! You see, I am the city undertaker, and +the people are dying here so fast, that I can hardly supply the demand +for coffins. You will have to wait until your turn comes, which will be +to-morrow morning--say about 9 o'clock." + +"But what do I want with a coffin? I have no idea of dying!" + +"You haven't, eh? Sir, you will not live two hours and a half. I see it +in your countenance. Why, even now, you have a pain--a slight pain--in +your back." + +"Y-yes, I believe I h-have," replied the trembling hoosier. + +"Exactly," said Dick, "and in your limbs too?" + +"Yes, stranger, you're right, and I begin to feel it in the back of my +neck and head." + +"Of course you do, and unless you do something for it, you'll be dead in +a short time, I assure you. Take my advice now, go back aboard the boat, +swallow down a gill of brandy, get into your state-room, and cover up +with blankets. Stay there till you perspire freely, then leave here like +lightning!" + +Hoosier hurried on board the boat, and followed Dick's instructions to +the letter. He says he never will forget the kindness of the tall man in +Mobile, who gave him such good advice. + + + + +LET OFF. + + +"BOY! did you let off that gun?" exclaimed an enraged schoolmaster. + +"Yes, master." + +"Well, what do you think I'll do to you?" + +"Why, let me off!" + + + + +COMPLIMENTARY. + + +A GENTLEMAN expatiating upon the good looks of women, declared that he +had never yet seen an ugly woman. One who was extremely flat nosed, +said, + +"Sir, I defy you not to find me ugly." + +"You, madam," he replied, "are an angel fallen from heaven, only you +have fallen on your nose." + + + + +KEEN RETORT. + + +A PRIEST said to a peasant whom he thought rude, "You are better fed +than taught." "Shud think I was," replied the clodhopper, "as I feeds +myself and you teaches me." + + + + +THE AUCTIONEER AT HOME. + + +AN auctioneer, vexed with his audience, said: "I am a mean fellow--mean +as dirt--and I feel at home in this company." + + + + +SACKS AND BAGS. + + +MR. LOVER tells a good anecdote of an Irishman giving the pass-word at +the battle of Fontenoy, at the same time the great Saxe was marshal. + +"The pass-word is Saxe; now don't forget it, Pat," said the Colonel. + +"Saxe! faith an' I won't. Wasn't me father a miller?" + +"Who goes there?" cries the sentinel, after he had arrived at the pass. + +Pat looked as confidential as possible, and whispered in a sort of howl, + +"Bags, yer honor." + + + + +ITERATION. + + +A SERVANT girl, on leaving her place, was accosted by her master as to +her reason for leaving. + +"Mistress is so quick-tempered that I cannot live with her," said the +girl. + +"Well," said the gentleman, "you know it is no sooner begun than it's +over." + +"Yes, Sir, and no sooner over than begun again." + + + + +QUID PRO QUO. + + +IN a case tried at the King's Bench, a witness was produced who had a +very red nose; and one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, being +desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was +sworn, + +"Well, let's hear what you have to say, with your copper nose." + +"Why, Sir," said he, "by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange my +copper nose for your brazen face." + + + + +HARD SQUEEZING. + + +A GENTLEMAN from New York, who had been in Boston for the purpose of +collecting some money due him in that city, was about returning, when he +found that one bill of a hundred dollars had been overlooked. His +landlord, who knew the debtor, thought it a doubtful case; but added +that if it _was_ collectable at all, a tall, rawboned Yankee, then +dunning a lodger in another part of the hall, would "worry it out" of +the man. Calling him up, therefore, he introduced him to the creditor, +who showed him the account. + +"Wall, Squire," said he, "'taint much use o' tryin', I guess. I _know_ +that critter. You might as well try to squeeze ile out of Bunker Hill +Monument as to c'lect a debt out of him. But _any_ how, Squire, what'll +you give, sposin' I _do_ try?" + +"Well, Sir, the bill is one hundred dollars, I'll give you--yes, I'll +give you half, if you'll collect it." + +"'Greed," replied the collector, "there's no harm in _tryin'_, any +way." + +Some weeks after, the creditor chanced to be in Boston, and in walking +up Tremont street, encountered his enterprising friend. + +"Look o' here," said he, "Squire. I had considerable luck with that bill +o' yourn. You see, I stuck to him like a log to a root, but for the +first week or so 'twant no use--not a bit. If he was home, he was short; +if he _wasn't_ home I could get no satisfaction. 'By the by,' says I, +after goin' sixteen times, 'I'll fix you!' says I. So I sat down on the +door-step, and sat all day and part of the evening, and I began airly +_next_ day; but about ten o'clock he 'gin in.' _He paid me_ MY _half, +and I gin him up the note!_" + + + + +PAT'S RESPONSE. + + +AN Irishman was about to marry a Southern girl for her property. "Will +you take this woman to be your wedded wife?" said the minister. "Yes, +your riverence, and the _niggers_ too," said Pat. + + + + +WANTED SATISFACTION. + + +"WELL, Pat, Jimmy didn't quite kill you with a brickbat, did he?" "No, +but I wish he had." "What for?" "So I could have seen him hung, the +villain!" + + + + +MEAN _vs._ MEANS. + + +"IS Mr. Brown a man of means?" asked a gentleman of old Mrs. Fizzleton, +referring to one of her neighbors. "Well I reckon he ought to be," +drawled out the old bel-dame, "for he is just the meanest man in town." + + + + +WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR HOUSE. + + +ARTER we wus married, we'll say about a year, wun mornin' thar wus a +terrible commoshun in our house--old wimmin a runnin in an out, and +finally the Doctor he cum. I was in a great hurry myself, wantin to +heer, I hardly noed what, but after a while, an ole granny of a woman, +as had been very busy about that, poked her head into the room whar I +was a walkin' about and ses: + +Ses she, "Mr. Sporum, hit's a gal." + +"What," ses I. + +"A gal," ses she, an with that she pops her head back agin. + +Well, thinks I, I'm the daddy uv a gal, and begin to feel my keepin' +mitely--I'd rather it was a boy tho', thinks I, fur then he'd feel +neerur to me, as how he'd bare my name and there be less chance fur the +Sporums to run out, but considerin' everything, a gal will do mi'ty +well. Jist then the ole nuss pokes her head out agin and ses, + +Ses she, "Anuther wun, Mr. Sporum; a fine boy." + +"Anuther," ses I, "that's rather crowdin' things on to a feller." + +She laffed and poked her he'd back. Well, thinks I, this is no joke +sure, at this lick I'll have family enuff to do me in a few years. + +Jis then the ole she devil (always shall hate her) pokes her he'd in, +and ses, + +Ses she, "Anuther gal, Mr. Sporum." + +"Anuther whot," ses I. + +"Anuther gal," ses she. + +"Well," ses I, "go rite strate and tell Sal I won't stand it, I don't +want 'em, and I ain't goin' to have 'em; dus she think I'm a Turk? or a +Mormon? or Brigham Young? that she go fur to have tribbles?--three at a +pop! Dus she think I'm wurth a hundred thousand dollars? that I'm Jo'n +Jacob Aster, or Mr. Roschile? that I kin afford thribbles, an clothe an +feed an school three children at a time? I ain't a goin' to stand it no +how, I didn't want 'em, I don't want 'em, and ain't a going to want 'em +now, nur no uther time. Hain't I bin a good and dootiful husband to Sal? +Hain't I kep' in doors uv a nite, an quit chawn tobacker and smokin' +segars just to please her? Hain't I attended devine worship reg'lar? +Hain't I bought her all the bonnets an frocks she wanted? an then for +her to go an have thribbs. She noed better an hadn't orter dun it. I +didn't think Sal wud serve me such a trick now. Have I ever stole a +horse? Have I ever done enny mean trick, that she should serve me in +this way?" An with that I laid down on the settee, an felt orful bad, an +the more I tho't about it, the wus I felt. + +Presently Sal's mammy, ole Miss Jones, cums in an ses, + +Ses she, "Peter, cum in and see what purty chillun you've got." + +"Chillun!" says I, "you'd better say a 'hole litter. Now Miss Jones, I +luv Sal you no, an have tried to make a good husban', but I call this a +scaly trick, an ef thar's any law in this country I'm goin' to see ef a +woman kin have thribbs, an make a man take keer uv 'em. I ain't goin' to +begin to do it," ses I. + +With that she laffed fit to kill herself, an made all sorts of fun of +me, an sed enny uther man would be proud to be in my shoes. I told her +I'd sell out mi'ty cheap ef enny body wanted to take my place. Well, the +upshot uv it wus that she pursuaded me that I wus 'rong, an got me to +go into the room whar they all wus. + +When I got in, Sal looked so lovin' at me, an reached out her little +hands so much like a poor, dear little helpless child, that I forgot +everything but my luv for her, and folded her gently up tu my h'art like +a precious treasure, and felt like I didn't keer ef she had too and +forty uv em. Jist then number wun set up a whine like a young pup, an +all the ballance follered. _Them thribbles noed their daddy._ + +Well, everything wus made up, an Sal promised she wud never do it agin; +an sense then I have bin at work sertin, workin all day to make bred for +them thribs, an bissy nus'n uv 'em at nite. The fact is, ef I didn't +have a mi'ty good constitushun, I'd had to giv' in long ago. Number wun +has the collick an wakes up number too an he wakes up number three, an +so it goes, an me a flying about all the time a tryin' to keep 'em +quiet. + + + + +GENEROUS CHILD. + + +_Mother_--Here, Tommy, is some nice castor oil, with orange ice in it. + +_Doctor_--Now, remember, don't give it all to Tommy, leave some for me. + +_Tommy_--(who has "been there")--Doctor's a nice man, ma, give it all to +the Doctor! + + + + +ALL THE RECIPROCATING ON ONE SIDE. + + +"CAN you return my love, dearest Julia?" "Certainly, Sir, I don't want +it I'm sure." + + + + +HOW HE MEANT TO DO BETTER. + + +A FEW days since, as a lady of rather inquisitive character was visiting +our county seat, among other places she called at the Jail. She would +ask the different prisoners for what crime they were in there. It went +off well enough, till she came to a rather hard looking specimen of +humanity, whom she asked: + +"What are you in here for?" + +"For stealing a horse." + +"Are you not sorry for it?" + +"Yes." + +"Won't you try and do better next time?" + +"_Yes! I'll steal two._" + + + + +DUTCH SOLILOQUY. + + +A DUTCHMAN'S heart-rending soliloquy is described thus: "She lofes Shon +Mickle so much better as I, pecause he's cot koople tollers more as I +has!" + + + + +JUST ALIKE. + + +A STUTTERING man at a public table, had occasion to use a pepper box. +After shaking it with all due vengeance, and turning it in various ways, +he found that the pepper was in no wise inclined to come forth. + +"T-th-this-p-pep-per box," he exclaimed, with a sagacious grin, "is +so-something like myself." + +"Why?" asked a neighbor. + +"P-poor-poor delivery," he replied. + + + + +STORY OF A WIG. + + +LORD ELLENBOROUGH was once about to go on the circuit, when Lady E. said +that she should like to accompany him. He replied that he had no +objections, provided she did not encumber the carriage with bandboxes, +which were his utter abhorrence. They set off. During the first day's +journey, Lord Ellenborough, happening to stretch his legs, struck his +feet against something below the seat. He discovered that it was a +bandbox. His indignation is not to be described. Up went the window, and +out went the bandbox. The coachman stopped; and the footman, thinking +that the bandbox had tumbled out of the window by some extraordinary +chance, was going to pick it up, when Lord Ellenborough furiously called +out, "Drive on!" The bandbox accordingly was left by a ditch side. +Having reached the county-town, where he was to officiate as judge, Lord +Ellenborough proceeded to array himself for his appearance in the +court-house. "Now," said he, "where's my wig,--where _is_ my wig?" "My +Lord," replied his attendant, "it was thrown out of the carriage +window." + + + + +A SINGULAR FORGIVENESS. + + +SIR Walter Scott, in his article in the _Quarterly Review_, on the +Culloden papers, mentions a characteristic instance of an old Highland +warrior's mode of pardon. "You must forgive even your bitterest enemy, +Kenmuir, now," said the confessor to him, as he lay gasping on his +death-bed. "Well, if I must, I must," replied the Chieftain, "but my +curse be on you, Donald," turning towards his son, "if you forgive +him." + + + + +CABBAGE AND DITTO. + + +WE have just now heard a cabbage story which we will cook up for our +laughter loving readers: + +"Oh! I love you like anything," said a young countryman to his +sweetheart, warmly pressing her hand. + +"Ditto," said she gently returning his pressure. + +The ardent lover, not happening to be over and above learned, was sorely +puzzled to understand the meaning of ditto--but was ashamed to expose +his ignorance by asking the girl. He went home, and the next day being +at work in a cabbage patch with his father, he spoke out: + +"Daddy, what's the meaning of ditto?" + +"Why," said the old man, "this here is one cabbage head, ain't it?" + +"Yes, daddy." + +"Well, that ere's ditto." + +"Rot that good-for-nothing gal!" ejaculated the indignant son; "she +called me a cabbage head, and I'll be darned if ever I go to see her +again." + + + + +FLAG AT HALF-MAST. + + +AN old sailor, at the theatre, said he supposed that dancing girls wore +their dresses at half-mast as a mark of respect to departed modesty. + + + + +LONGFELLOW. + + +SOME one having lavishly lauded Longfellow's aphorism, "Suffer, and be +strong," a matter-of-fact man observed that it was merely a variation of +the old English adage, "Grin, and bear it." + + + + +A SORREL SHEEP. + + +SOME years ago, a bill was up before the Alabama Legislature for +establishing a Botanical College at Wetumpka. Several able speakers had +made long addresses in support of the bill when one Mr. Morrisett, from +Monroe, took the floor. With much gravity he addressed the House as +follows: "Mr. Speaker, I cannot support this bill unless assured that a +distinguished friend of mine is made one of the professors. He is what +the bill wishes to make for us, a regular root doctor, and will suit the +place exactly. He became a doctor in two hours, and it only cost him +twenty dollars to complete his education. He bought a book, Sir, and +read the chapter on fevers, that was enough. He was called to see a sick +woman indeed, and he felt her wrist, looked into her mouth, and then, +turning to her husband, asked solemnly, if he had a 'sorrel sheep?' +'Why, no, I never heard of such a thing.' Said the doctor, nodding his +head knowingly, 'Have you got a sorrel horse then?' 'Yes,' said the man, +'I drove him to the mill this morning.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'he +must be killed immediately, and some soup made of him for your wife.' +The woman turned her head away, and the astonished man inquired if +something else would not do for the soup, the horse was worth a hundred +dollars, and was all the one he had. 'No,' said the doctor, 'the book +says so, and if you don't believe it I will read it to you: Good for +fevers--sheep sorrel or horse sorrel. There, Sir.' 'Why, doctor,' said +the man and his wife, 'it don't mean a sorrel sheep or horse, but--' +'Well, I know what I am about,' interrupted the doctor; 'that's the way +we doctors read it, and we understand it.' "Now," continued the +speaker, amidst the roars of the house, "unless my sorrel doctor can be +one of the professors, I must vote against this bill." The blow most +effectually killed the bill, it is needless to state. + + + + +EDITORIALS. + + +A NOTED chap once stepped in the sanctum of a venerable and highly +respected editor, and indulged in a tirade against a citizen with whom +he was on bad terms. "I wish," said he, addressing the man with the pen, +"that you would write a severe article against R----, and put it in your +paper." "Very well," was the reply. After some more conversation the +visitor went away. The next morning he came rushing into the office, in +a violent state of excitement. "What did you put in your paper? I have +had my nose pulled and been kicked twice." "I wrote a severe article, as +you desired," calmly returned the editor, "and signed your name to +it."--_Harrisburgh Telegraph._ + + + + +COMPENSATION. + + +A MISERLY old farmer, who had lost one of his best hands in the midst of +hay-making, remarked to the sexton, as he was filling up the grave: +"It's a sad thing to lose a good mower, at a time like this--but after +all, poor Tom was a great eater." + + + + +JUST RIGHT. + + +"IS that clock right over there?" asked a visitor. "Right over there? +Certainly; 'tain't nowhere else." + + + + +FUNNY MISTAKE. + + +LORD SEAFORTH, who was born deaf and dumb, was to dine, one day, with +Lord Melville. Just before the time of the company's arrival, Lady +Melville sent into the drawing-room, a lady of her acquaintance, who +could talk with her fingers to dumb people, that she might receive Lord +Seaforth. Presently, Lord Guilford entered the room, and the lady, +taking him for Lord Seaforth, began to ply her fingers very nimbly: Lord +Guilford did the same; and they had been carrying on a conversation in +this manner for about ten minutes, when Lady Melville joined them. Her +female friend immediately said, "Well, I have been talking away to this +dumb man." "Dumb!" cried Lord Guilford; "bless me, I thought _you_ were +dumb."--I told this story (which is perfectly true) to Matthews; and he +said that he could make excellent use of it, at one of his evening +entertainments; but I know not if he ever did.--_Rogers' Table-talk._ + + + + +FILIAL AFFECTION. + + +"IF ever I wanted anything of my father," said Sam, "I always asked for +it in a very 'spectful and obliging manner. If he didn't give it to me, +I took it, for fear I should be led to do anything wrong, through not +having it. I saved him a world o' trouble this way, Sir."--_Dickens._ + + + + +DEFINITE INFORMATION. + + +"WELL, Robert, how much did your pig weigh?" "It did not weigh as much +as I _expected_, and I always thought it _wouldn't_."--_Detroit +Spectator._ + + + + +FRENCHMEN'S ENGLISH. + + +Copied, three years ago, from a card in the _Hotel du Rhin_, at +Boulogne. + +"SPECIAL omnibus, on the arrived and on the departure, of every convoy +of the railway. Restoration on the card, and dinners at all hour. + +Table d'hote at ten half-past, one, and five o'clock. + +Bathing place horses and walking carriage. + +Interpreter attached to the hotel. Great and little apartments with +saloon for family. + +This etablissement entirely new, is admirably situed, on the centre of +the town at proximity of the theatre and coach office, close by the post +horses offer to the travellers all the comfortable desirable and is +proprietor posse by is diligence and is good tenuous justifyed the +confidence wich the travellers pleased to honoured him." + +(The orthography and pointing of the stops, are precisely as printed in +the card.) + + + + +ADMIRAL DUNCAN. + + +ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers, who came on board his ship for +instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both +laconic and humorous, "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_ approaching; +I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire." + + + + +TOM DIBDIN'S TOAST. + + +POOR Tom Dibdin, a convivial, but always a sober man, gives a delicate +allusion to the drinking propensity, in the following toast:--"May the +man who has a good wife, never be addicted to liquor (_lick +her_.)"--_Bentley's Miscellany._ + + + + +KICKING A YANKEE. + + +A VERY handsome friend of ours, who a few weeks ago was poked out of a +comfortable office up the river, has taken himself to Bangor for a time +to recover from the wound inflicted upon his feelings by our +"unprincipled and immolating administration." + +Change of air must have had an instant effect upon his spirits, for, +from Galena, he writes us an amusing letter, which, among other things, +tells of a desperate quarrel that took place on board of a boat, between +a real live tourist and a real live Yankee settler. The latter trod on +the toes of the former, whereupon the former threatened to "kick out of +the cabin" the latter. + +"You'll kick me out of this cabing?" + +"Yes, Sir, I'll kick you out of this cabin!" + +"You'll kick _me_, Mr. Hitchcock, out of this cabing?" + +"Yes, Sir, I'll kick _you_, Mr. Hitchcock!" + +"Well, I guess," said the Yankee, very coolly, after being perfectly +satisfied that it was himself that stood in such imminent danger of +assault, "I guess, since you talk of kicking, you've never heard me tell +about old Bradly and my mare to hum?" + +"No, Sir, nor do I wish--" + +"Wall, guess it won't set you back much, any how, as kicking's generally +best to be considered on. You see old Bradly is one of those +sanctimonious, long-faced hypocrites who put on a religious suit every +Sabbath day morning, and with a good deal of screwing, manage to keep it +on till after sermon in the afternoon; and as I was a Universalist, he +allers picked me out as a subject for religious conversation--and the +darned hypocrite would talk about heaven, and hell, and the devil--the +crucifixion and prayer without ever winking. Wall, he had an old roan +mare that would jump over any fourteen rail fence in Illinois, and open +any door in any barn that hadn't a padlock on it. Tu or three times I +found her in my stable, and I told Bradly about it, and he was 'very +sorry--an unruly animal--would watch'--and a hull lot of such things; +all said in a serious manner, with a face twice as long as old deacon +Farrar's on sacrament day. + +"I knew, all the time, he was lying, and so I watched him and his old +roan tu; and for three nights regular, old roan came to my stable about +bed-time, and just at day-light Bradly would come, bridle her, and ride +off. I then just took my old mare down to a blacksmith's shop and had +some shoes made with corks about four inches long, and had 'em nailed on +her hind feet. Your heels, mister, ain't nuthin to 'em. I took her +hum--gave her about ten feet halter, tied her right in the centre of the +stable, fed her well with oats at nine o'clock, and after taking a good +smoke, went to bed, knowing that my old mare was a truth-telling animal, +and that she'd give a good report of herself in the morning. + +"I hadn't got fairly asleep before the old woman hunched me, and wanted +to know what on airth was the matter out in the stable. So says I, 'Go +to sleep, Peggy, it's nothing but Kate--she's kicking off flies, I +guess.' Putty soon she hunched me again, and says, 'Mr. Hitchcock, du +get up, and see what in the world is the matter with Kate, for she is +kicking most powerfully.' + +"'Lay still, Peggy, Kate will take care of herself, I guess.' + +"Well the next morning, about daylight, Bradly, with bridle in hand, cum +to the stable, and true as the book of Genesis, when he saw the old +roan's sides, starn, and head, he cursed and swore worse than you did, +mister, when I came down on your toes. After breakfast that morning, Joe +Davis cum down to my house, and says he-- + +"'Bradly's old roan is nearly dead--she's cut all to pieces, and can +scarcely move.' + +"'I want to know,' says I; 'how on airth did it happen?' + +"Now Joe was a member of the same church with Bradly, and whilst we were +talking, up cum the everlastin hypocrite, and says he, + +"'My old mare is ruined!' + +"'Du tell!' says I. + +"'She is all cut to pieces,' says he; 'do you know whether she was in +your stable, Mr. Hitchcock, last night?' + +"Wall, mister, with this I let out: 'Do I _know_ it?'--(the Yankee here, +in illustration, made way for him, unconsciously, as it were.) 'Do I +know it, you no-souled, shad-bellied, squash-headed old night owl, +you!--you hay-lookin, corn-cribbin, fodder-fudgin, cent-shavin, +whitlin-of-nothin, you? Kate kicks like a dumb beast, but I have reduced +the thing to a science!'" + +The Yankee had not ceased to advance, nor the dandy, in his +astonishment, to retreat; and now the motion of the latter being +accelerated by the apparent demonstration on the part of the former to +suit the action to the word, he found himself in the "social hall," +tumbling backwards over a pile of baggage, tearing the knees of his +pants as he scrambled up, and a perfect scream of laughter stunning him +on all sides. The defeat was total. A few moments afterward he was seen +dragging his own trunk ashore, while Mr. Hitchcock finished his story on +the boiler deck.--_St. Louis Reveille._ + + + + +DANCING THEIR RAGS OFF. + + +TWO unsophisticated country lasses visited Niblo's in New York during +the ballet season. When the short-skirted, gossamer clad nymphs made +their appearance on the stage they became restless and fidgety. + +"Oh, Annie!" exclaimed one _sotto voce_. + +"Well, Mary?" + +"It ain't nice--I don't like it." + +"Hush." + +"I don't care, it ain't nice, and I wonder aunt brought us to such a +place." + +"Hush, Mary, the folks will laugh at you." + +After one or two flings and a pirouette, the blushing Mary said: + +"Oh, Annie, let's go--it ain't nice, and I don't feel comfortable." + +"Do hush, Mary," replied the sister, whose own face was scarlet, though +it wore an air of determination: "it's the first time I ever was at a +theatre, and I suppose it will be the last, _so I am just going to stay +it out, if they dance every rag off their backs_!" + + + + +DISINTERESTED ADVICE. + + +"HUSBAND, I have the asthma so bad that I can't breathe." "Well, my +dear, I wouldn't try; nobody wants you to." + + + + +AN EDITOR DREAMING ON WEDDING CAKE. + + +A BACHELOR editor out West, who had received from the fair hand of a +bride, a piece of elegant wedding-cake to dream on, thus gives the +result of his experience. + +"We put it under the head of our pillow, shut our eyes sweetly as an +infant blessed with an easy conscience, and snored prodigiously. The God +of dreams gently touched us, and lo! in fancy we were married! Never was +a little editor so happy. It was 'my love,' 'dearest,' 'sweetest,' +ringing in our ears every moment. Oh! that the dream had broken off +here. But no! some evil genius put it into the head of our ducky to have +pudding for dinner just to please her lord. + +"In a hungry dream, we sat down to dinner. Well, the pudding moment +arrived, and a huge slice almost obscured from sight the plate before +us. + +"'My dear,' said we fondly, 'did you make this?' + +"'Yes, my love, ain't it nice?' + +"'Glorious--the best bread pudding I ever tasted in my life.' + +"'Plum pudding, ducky,' suggested my wife. + +"'O, no, dearest, bread pudding. I was always fond of 'em.' + +"'Call them bread pudding!' exclaimed my wife, while her lips slightly +curled with contempt. + +"'Certainly, my dear--reckon I've had enough at the Sherwood House, to +know bread pudding, my love, by all means.' + +"'Husband--this is really too bad--plum pudding is twice as hard to make +as bread pudding, and is more expensive, and is a great deal better. I +say this is plum pudding, sir!' and my pretty wife's brow flushed with +excitement. + +"'My love, my sweet, my dear love,' exclaimed we soothingly, 'do not get +angry. I am sure it is very good, if it is bread pudding.' + +"'You mean, low wretch,' fiercely replied my wife, in a higher tone, +'you know it's plum pudding.' + +"'Then, ma'am, it's so meanly put together and so badly burned, that the +devil himself wouldn't know it. I tell you, madam, most distinctly and +emphatically, that it is bread pudding and the meanest kind at that.' + +"'It is plum pudding,' shrieked my wife, as she hurled a glass of claret +in my face, the glass itself tapping the claret from my nose. + +"'Bread pudding!' gasped we, pluck to the last, and grasped a roasted +chicken by the left leg. + +"'Plum pudding!' rose above the din, as I had a distinct perception of +feeling two plates smashed across my head. + +"'Bread pudding!' we groaned in a rage, as the chicken left our hand and +flying with swift wing across the table landed in madam's bosom. + +"'Plum pudding!' resounded the war-cry from the enemy, as the gravy-dish +took us where we had been depositing a part of our dinner, and a plate +of beets landed upon our white vest. + +"'Bread pudding forever!' shouted we in defiance, dodging the soup +tureen, and falling beneath its contents. + +"'Plum pudding!' yelled the amiable spouse; noticing our misfortune, she +determined to keep us down by piling upon our head the dishes with no +gentle hand. Then in rapid succession, followed the war-cries. 'Plum +pudding!' she shrieked with every dish. + +"'Bread pudding,' in smothered tones, came up from the pile in reply. +Then it was 'plum pudding,' in rapid succession, the last cry growing +feebler, till just as I can distinctly recollect, it had grown to a +whisper. 'Plum pudding' resounded like thunder, followed by a tremendous +crash as my wife leaped upon the pile with her delicate feet, and +commenced jumping up and down, when, thank heaven! we awoke, and thus +saved our life. We shall never dream on wedding cake again--that's the +moral." + + + + +PAT QUERY. + + +A GENTLEMAN was threatening to beat a dog who barked intolerably. "Why," +exclaimed an Irishman, "would you beat the poor dumb animal for spakin' +out?" + + + + +FRIENDLY VISITS. + + +A GENTLEMAN was speaking the other day of the kindness of his friends in +visiting him. One old aunt in particular visited him twice a year, and +stayed six months each time. + + + + +REMOTE. + + +"I'D have you to know, Mrs. Stoker, that my uncle was a banister of the +law." + +"A fig for your banister," retorted Mrs. Grumly, turning up her nose, +"haven't I a cousin as is a corridor in the navy?" + + + + +A CAT STORY. + + +A PHILOSOPHICAL old gentleman was one day passing a new school-house, +erected somewhere towards the setting sun borders of our glorious Union, +when his attention was suddenly attracted to a crowd of persons gathered +around the door. He inquired of a boy, whom he met, what was going on. + +"Well, nothin', 'cept the skule committy, and they're goin' in." + +"A committee meets to-day! What for?" + +"Well," continued the boy, "you see Bill, that's our biggest boy, got +mad at the teacher, and so he went all round and gathered dead cats. +Nothin' but cats, and cats, and cats. Oh! it was orful, them cats!" + +"Pshaw! what have the cats to do with the school committee?" + +"Now, well, you see Bill kept a bringing cats and cats; allers a pilin' +them up yonder," pointing to a huge pile as large in extent as a +pyramid, and considerably aromatic, "and he piled them. Nothing but +cats, cats!" + +"Never mind, my son, what Bill did; what has the committee met for?" + +"Then Bill got sick haulin' them, and everybody got sick a nosin' them, +but Bill got madder, and didn't give it up, but kept a pilin' up the +cats and--" + +"Can you tell what the committee are holding a meeting for?" + +"Why, the skule committy are goin' to hold a meetin' up here to say +whether they'll move the skule house or the cats." + +The old gentleman evaporated immediately. + + + + +CONUNDRUMS. + + +IF a husband were to see his wife drowning, what single letter of the +alphabet would he name?--_Answer._ Let-her B. + +WHAT is most like a hen stealing?--_Ans._ A cock _robbing_ (robin). + +WHAT wind would a hungry sailor wish for, at sea?--_Ans._--A wind that +blows _fowl_ and then _chops_. + +WHEN is a lane dangerous to walk in?--_Ans._ When the hedges are +_shooting_, and the _bull-rushes_ out. + +IN what color should a secret be kept?--_Ans._ In violet (inviolate). + +WHAT proof is there that Robinson Crusoe found his island +inhabited?--_Ans._ Because he saw a great swell pitching into a little +cove. + +WHAT was Joan of Arc made of?--_Ans._ _Maid_ of Orleans. + +WHY is the county of Bucks, like a drover's stick?--_Ans._ Because it +runs into _Oxon_ (oxen) and Herts (_hurts_). + +WHO is the greatest dandy you meet at sea?--_Ans._ The great _swell_ of +the ocean. + +WHY may it be presumed that Moses wore a wig?--_Ans._ Because he was +sometimes seen with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without. + + + + +LOVE. + + +A LITTLE sighing, a little crying, a little dying, and a deal of +lying.--_Jonathan._ + + + + +THE THIEF AND THE DUKE. + + +THE great Duke of Marlborough, passing the gate of the Tower, after +having inspected that fortress, was accosted by an ill-looking fellow, +with, "How do you do, my Lord Duke? I believe your Grace and I have now +been in every jail in the kingdom?" "I believe, my friend," replied the +Duke, with surprise, "this is the only jail I ever visited." "Very +like," replied the other, "but I have been in all the rest." + + + + +LOSS OF TIME. + + +A DEVOTEE lamented to her confessor, her love of gaming. "Ah, madam," +replied the priest, "it is a grievous sin:--in the first place, consider +the loss of time." "Yes," replied the fair penitent, "I have often +begrudged the time lost in _shuffling_ and _dealing_." + + + + +UNEXPECTED REPLY. + + +A PREACHER, in Arabia, having for his text, a portion of the Koran, "I +have called Noah," after twice repeating his text, made a long pause; +when an Arab present, thinking that he was waiting for an answer, +exclaimed, "If Noah will not come, call somebody else." + + + + +GENEROUS. + + +"I WILL save you a thousand pounds," said a young buck to an old +gentleman. "How?" "You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten +thousand pounds as her portion." "I do." "Sir, I will take her with nine +thousand." + + + + +FRIENDLY BANTER. + + +FRIEND GRACE, it seems, had a very good horse and a very poor one. When +seen riding the latter, he was asked the reason (it turned out that his +better half had taken the good one). "What!" said the bantering +bachelor, "how comes it you let your mistress ride the better horse?" +The only reply was--"Friend, when thee beest married theel't know." + + + + +TAKING A RECEIPT. + + +THE Hartford Times vouches for the truth of the following story: + +"Pat Malone, you are fined five dollars for assault and battery on Mike +Sweeney." + +"I have the money in me pocket, and I'll pay the fine, if your honor +will give me the resate." + +"We give no receipts here. We just take the money. You will not be +called upon a second time for your fine." + +"But your honor, I'll not be wanting to pay the same till after I get +the resate." + +"What do you want to do with it?" + +"If your honor will write one and give it to me, I'll tell you." + +"Well, there's your receipt. Now what do you want to do with it?" + +"I'll tell your honor. You see, one of those days I'll be after dying, +and when I go to the gate of heaven I'll rap, and St. Peter will say, +'Who's there?' and I'll say, 'It's me, Pat Malone,' and he'll say, 'What +do you want?' and I'll say, 'I want to come in,' and he'll say, 'Did you +behave like a dacent boy in the other world, and pay all the fines and +such things?' and I'll say, 'Yes, your holiness,' and then he'll want to +see the resate, and I'll put my hand in my pocket and take out my resate +and give it to him, and I'll not have to go ploddin' all over hell to +find your honor to get one." + + + + +KIND FATHER. + + +AN old gentleman says, he is the last man in the world to tyrannize over +a daughter's affections. So long as she marries the man of _his_ choice, +he don't care who she loves. + + + + +DESTROYING THE ROMANCE. + + +A CAPITAL story is told of a young fellow who one Sunday strolled into a +village church, and during the service was electrified and gratified by +the sparkling of a pair of eyes which were riveted upon his face. After +the service he saw the possessor of the shining orbs leave the church +alone, and emboldened by her glances, he ventured to follow her, his +heart aching with rapture. He saw her look behind, and fancied she +evinced some emotion at recognizing him. He then quickened his pace, and +she actually slackened hers, as if to let him come up with her--but we +will permit the young gentleman to tell the rest in his own way: + +"Noble young creature!" thought I, "her artless and warm heart is +superior to the bonds of custom. + +"I had reached within a stone's throw of her. She suddenly halted, and +turned her face toward me. My heart swelled to bursting. I reached the +spot where she stood, she began to speak, and I took off my hat as if +doing reverence to an angel. + +"'Are you a peddler?' + +"'No, my dear girl, that is not my occupation.' + +"'Well, I don't know,' continued she, not very bashfully, and eyeing me +very sternly, 'I thought when I saw you in the meetin' house that you +looked like a peddler who passed off a pewter half dollar on me three +weeks ago, an' so I just determined to keep an eye on you. Brother John +has got home now, and says if he catches the fellow he'll wring his neck +for him; and I ain't sure but you're the good-for-nothing rascal after +all!'" + + + + +DOING A YANKEE. + + +SIR ALLEN MCNAB was once traveling by steamer, and as luck would have +it, was obliged to occupy a state-room with a full blooded Yankee. In +the morning, while Sir Allen was dressing, he beheld his companion +making thorough researches into his (Sir Allen's) dressing case. Having +completed his examination, he proceeded coolly to select the +tooth-brush, and therewith to bestow on his long yellow teeth an +energetic scrubbing. Sir Allen said not a word. When Jonathan had +concluded, the old Scotchman gravely set the basin on the floor, soaped +one foot well, and taking the tooth-brush, applied it vigorously to his +toes and toe-nails. + +"You dirty fellow," exclaimed the astonished Yankee, "what the mischief +are you doing that for?" + +"Oh," said Sir Allen coolly, "that's the brush I always do it with." + + + + +DROVERS _vs._ FOPS. + + +DINNER was spread in the cabin of that peerless steamer, the New World, +and a splendid company were assembled about the table. Among the +passengers thus prepared for gastronomic duty, was a little creature of +the genus Fop, decked daintily as an early butterfly, with kids of +irreproachable whiteness, "miraculous" neck-tie, and spider-like +quizzing glass on his nose. The little delicate animal turned his head +aside with, + +"Waitah!" + +"Sah!" + +"Bwing me a pwopellah of a fwemale woostah!" + +"Yes, Sah!" + +"And, waitah, tell the steward to wub my plate with a vegetable, +wulgarly called onion, which will give a delicious flavow to my dinnah." + +While the refined exquisite was giving his order, a jolly western drover +had listened with opened mouth and protruding eyes. When the diminutive +creature paused, he brought his fist down upon the table with a force +that made every dish bounce, and then thundered out: + +"Here you darned ace-of-spades!" + +"Yes, Sah!" + +"Bring me a thunderin' big plate of skunk's gizzards!" + +"Sah!" + +"And, old ink pot, tuck a horse blanket under my chin, and rub me down +with brickbats while I feed!" + +The poor dandy showed a pair of straight coat-tails instanter, and the +whole table joined in a "tremenjous" roar. + + + + +STORY OF AN ALMANAC MAKER. + + +DAVID DITSON was and is the great Almanac man, calculating the signs and +wonders in the heavens, and furnishing the astronomical matter with +which those very useful annuals abound. In former years it was his +custom, in all his almanacs, to utter sage predictions as to the +weather, at given periods in the course of the revolving year. Thus he +would say, 'About--this--time--look--out--for--a--change--of--weather; +and by stretching such a prophecy half-way down the page, he would make +very sure that in some one of the days included, the event foretold +would come to pass. He got cured of this spirit of prophecy, in a very +remarkable manner. One summer day, clear and calm as a day could be, he +was riding on horseback; it was before railroads were in vogue, and +being on a journey some distance from home, and wishing to know how far +it was to the town he was going to visit, he stopped at the roadside and +inquired of a farmer at work in the field. The farmer told him it was +six miles; "but," he added, "you must ride sharp, or you will get a wet +jacket before you reach it." + +"A wet jacket!" said the astronomer; "you don't think it is going to +rain, do you?" + +"No, I don't _think_ so, I know so," replied the farmer; "and the longer +you sit there, the more likely you are to get wet." + +David thought the farmer a fool, and rode on, admiring the blue sky +uncheckered by a single cloud. He had not proceeded more than half the +distance to the town before the heavens were overcast, and one of those +sudden showers not unusual in this latitude came down upon him. There +was no place for shelter, and he was drenched to the skin. But the rain +was soon over, and David thought within himself, that old man must have +some way of guessing the weather that beats all my figures and facts. I +will ride back and get it out of him. It will be worth more than a day's +work to learn a new sign. By the time he had reached the farmer's field +again, the old man had resumed his labor, and David accosted him very +respectfully: + +"I say, my good friend, I have come all the way back to ask you how you +were able to say that it would certainly rain to-day?" + +"Ah," said the sly old fellow, "and wouldn't you like to know!" + +"I would certainly; and as I am much interested in the subject, I will +willingly give you five dollars for your rule." + +The farmer acceded to the terms, took the money, and proceeded to say: + +"Well, you see now, we all use David Ditson's almanacs around here, and +he is the greatest liar that ever lived; for whenever he says 'it's +going to rain,' we know it ain't; and when he says 'fair weather,' we +look out for squalls. Now this morning I saw it put down for to-day +_Very pleasant_, and I knew for sartin it would rain before night. +That's the rule. Use David's Almanac, and always read it just t'other +way." + +The crest-fallen astronomer plodded on his weary way, another example of +a fool and his money soon parted. But that was the end of his +prophesying. Since that he has made his almanacs without weatherwise +sayings, leaving every man to guess for himself. + + + + +HOW TO BOARD AND LODGE IN NEW YORK. + + +THE _Philadelphia Chronicle_ calls the hero of the following story a +Yankee, but he will wager a sixpence that he was born in Pennsylvania. +But no matter, it is a good joke:--"'What do you charge for board?' +asked a tall Green Mountain boy, as he walked up to the bar of a +second-rate hotel in New York--'what do you ask a week for board and +lodging?' 'Five dollars.' 'Five dollars! that's too much; but I s'pose +you'll allow for the times I am absent from dinner and supper?' +'Certainly; thirty-seven and a half cents each.' Here the conversation +ended, and the Yankee took up his quarters for two weeks. During this +time, he lodged and breakfasted at the hotel, but did not take either +dinner or supper, saying his business detained him in another portion of +the town. At the expiration of the two weeks, he again walked up to the +bar, and said, 'S'pose we settle that account--I'm going, in a few +minutes.' The landlord handed him his bill--'Two weeks board at five +dollars--ten dollars.' 'Here, stranger,' said the Yankee, 'this is +wrong--you've made a mistake; you've not deducted the times I was absent +from dinner and supper--14 days, two meals per day; 28 meals, at 37-1/2 +cents each; 10 dollars 50 cents. If you've not got the fifty cents +that's due to me, _I'll take a drink, and the balance in cigars_!" + + + + +NEVER SAY DIE. + + +"THE politicians have thrown me overboard," said a disappointed +politician; "but I have strength enough to swim to the other side." + + + + +HOW TO BECOME A CONNOISSEUR. + + +SPOSIN' it's pictures that's on the carpet, wait till you hear the name +of the painter. If it's Rubens, or any o' them old boys, praise, for +it's agin the law to doubt them; but if it's a new man, and the company +ain't most especial judges, criticise. "A leetle out o' keeping," says +you. "He don't use his grays enough, nor glaze down well. That shadder +wants depth. General effect is good, though parts ain't. Those eyebrows +are heavy enough for stucco," says you, and other unmeaning terms like +these. It will pass, I tell you. Your opinion will be thought great. +Them that judged the cartoons at Westminster Hall, knew plaguey little +more nor that. But if this is a portrait of the lady of the house, +hangin' up, or it's at all like enough to make it out, stop--gaze on it, +walk back, close your fingers like a spy-glass, and look through 'em +amazed like--enchanted--chained to the spot. Then utter, unconscious +like, "That's a most beautiful pictur'. By heavens! that's a speakin' +portrait. It's well painted, too. But whoever the artist is, he is an +unprincipled man." "Good gracious!" she'll say, "how so?" "'Cause, +madam, he has not done you justice."--_Sam Slick._ + + + + +BOOTS. + + +"I BOUGHT _them_ boots to wear only when I go into genteel society," +said one of the codfish tribe, to a wag, the other day. + +"Oh, you did, eh?" quoth the wag. "Well, then, in that case, _them_ +boots will be likely to last you a lifetime, and be worth something to +your heirs."--Exit codfish, rather huffy. + + + + +SOUR KROUT. + + +WHEN the territory now composing the State of Ohio was first organized +into a government, and Congressmen about being elected, there were two +candidates, both men of standing and ability, brought out in that +fertile region watered by the beautiful Muskingum. + +Mr. Morgan, the one, was a reluctant aspirant for the honor, but he +payed his respects to the people by calling meetings at various points +and addressing them. In one part of the district there was a large and +very intelligent German settlement, and it was generally conceded that +their vote, usually given one way, would be decisive of the contest. To +secure this important interest, Mr. Morgan, in the course of the +campaign, paid this part of the district a visit, and by his +condescension and polite manner, made a most favourable impression on +the entire population--the electors, in fact, all pledging themselves to +cast their votes for him. + +Colonel Jackson, the opposing candidate, and ambitious for the office, +hearing of this successful move on the part of his opponent, determined +to counteract it if possible. To this end he started for the +all-important settlement. On introducing himself, and after several +fruitless attempts to dissipate the favourable effects of Mr. Morgan's +visit, he was finally informed by one of the leading men of the precinct +that: + +"It ish no good you coming hare, Colonel Shackson, we have all promisht +to vote for our friendt, Meisther Morgans." + +"Ah! ha!" says the Colonel: "but did you hear what Mr. Morgan did when +he returned from visiting you?" + +"No, vat vas it?" + +"Why, he ordered his chamber-maid to bring him some soap and warm water, +that he might wash the sour krout off his hands." + +The Colonel left, and in a few days the election coming off, each +candidate made his appearance at the critical German polls. + +The votes were then given _viva voce_, and you may readily judge of Mr. +Morgan's astonishment as each lusty Dutchman announced the name of +Colonel Shackson, holding up his hand toward the outwitted candidate, +and indignantly asking: + +"Ah! ha! Meisther Morgans, you zee ony zour krout dare?" + +It is needless to say that Colonel Shackson took a seat in the next +Congress. + + + + +CONFESSION. + + +"SUSAN, stand up and let me see what you have learned. What does +c-h-a-i-r spell?" + +"I don't know, marm." + +"Why, you ignorant critter! What do you always sit on?" + +"Oh, marm, I don't like to tell." + +"What on earth is the matter with the gal?--tell what is it." + +"I don't like to tell--it was Bill Crass's knee, but he never kissed me +but twice." + +"Airthquake and apple-sarse!" exclaimed the schoolmistress, and she +fainted. + + + + +A HAY FIELD ANECDOTE. + + +AN old gentleman who was always bragging how folks used to work in his +young days, one time challenged his two sons to pitch on a load of hay +as fast as he could load it. + +The challenge was accepted and the hay-wagon driven round and the trial +commenced. For some time the old man held his own very creditably, +calling out, tauntingly, "More hay! more hay!" + +Thicker and faster it came. The old man was nearly covered; still he +kept crying, "More hay! more hay!" until struggling to keep on the top +of the disordered and ill-arranged heap, it began first to roll, then to +slide, and at last off it went from the wagon, and the old man with it. + +"What are you down here for?" cried the boys. + +"I came down after hay," answered the old man, stoutly. + +Which was a literal fact. He had come down after the wagon load, which +had to be pitched on again rather more deliberately. + + + + +WHY BROTHER DICKSON LEFT THE CHURCH. + + +MR. DICKSON, a colored barber, was shaving one of his customers, a +respectable citizen, one morning, when a conversation occurred between +them respecting Mr. Dickson's former connection with a colored church in +the place. + +"I believe you are connected with the church in ----street, Mr. +Dickson," said the customer. + +"So, Sah, not at all." + +"What! are you not a member of the African Church?" + +"Not dis year, Sah." + +"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson? if I may be permitted +to ask." + +"Why, I tell you, Sah," said Mr. Dickson, strapping a concave razor on +the palm of his hand. + +"It was just like dis. I jined dat church in good faif. I gib ten +dollars toward de stated preaching ob de Gospel de fus' year, and de +peepil all call me Brudder Dickson. De second year my business not good, +and I only gib five dollars. Dat year the church peepil call me Mr. +Dickson. + +"Dis razor hurt you, Sah?" + +"No; the razor goes very well." + +"Well, Sah, de third year I felt very poor, sickness in my family, and +didn't gib nuffin for the preaching. Well, Sah, after dat they call me +Old Nigger Dickson, and I leff 'em." + +So saying, Mr. Dickson brushed his customer's hair and the gentleman +departed, well satisfied with the reason why Mr. Dickson left the +church. + + + + +FORESIGHT. + + +A YOUNG lady in the interior, thinks of going to California to get +married, for the reason that she has been told that in that country the +men folks "rock the cradle." + + + + +VICE VERSA. + + +WHAT is the difference between an attempted homicide, and a hog +butchery? One is an assault with intent to kill, and the other is a kill +with intent to salt. + + + + +HUMAN NATURE. + + +HERE, reader, is a little picture of _one_ kind of "human nature," that, +while it will make you laugh, conveys at the same time a lesson not +unworthy of heed. The story is of a gentleman traveling through Canada +in the winter of 1839, who, after a long day's ride, stopped at a +roadside inn called the "Lion Tavern," where the contents of the stage +coach, numbering some nine persons, soon gathered round the cheerful +fire. + +Among the occupants of the room was an ill-looking cur, who had shown +its wit by taking up its quarters in so comfortable an apartment. After +a few minutes the landlord entered, and observing the dog, remarked: + +"Fine dog, that! is he yours, Sir?" appealing to one of the passengers. + +"No, Sir." + +"_Beautiful_ dog! _yours_, Sir?" addressing himself to a second. + +"_No!_" was the blunt reply. + +"Come here, Pup! Perhaps he is _yours_, Sir?" + +"No!" was again the reply. + +"Very sagacious animal! Belongs to YOU, I suppose, Sir?" + +"No, he doesn't!" + +"Then he is _yours_, and you have a treasure in him, Sir?" at the same +time throwing the animal a cracker. + +"No, Sir, he is not!" + +"Oh!" (_with a smile_) "he belongs to _you_, as a matter of course, +then?" addressing the last passenger. + +"_Me!_ I wouldn't have him as a gift!" + +"Then, you dirty, mean, contemptible whelp, get out!" And with that the +host gave him such a kick as sent him howling into the street, amidst +the roars of the company. + +There was _one_ honest dog in that company, but the two-legged specimen +was a little "too sweet to be wholesome." + + + + +JOHN KEMBLE. + + +MOORE mentions in his diary a very amusing anecdote of John Kemble. He +was performing one night at some country theatre, in one of his +favourite parts, and being interrupted from time to time by the +squalling of a child in one of the galleries, he became not a _little_ +angry at the rival performance. Walking with solemn step to the front of +the stage, and addressing the audience in his most tragic tone, he said: + +"Unless _the play_ is stopped, _the child_ can not possibly go on!" + +The loud laugh which followed this ridiculous transposition of his +meaning, relaxed even the nerves of the immortal Hamlet, and he was +compelled to laugh with his auditors. + + + + +CONFESSION. + + +A PRIEST of Basse Bretagne, finding his duty somewhat arduous, +particularly the number of his confessing penitents, said from the +pulpit one Sunday: + +"Brethren, to avoid confusion at the confessional this week, I will on +Monday confess the liars, on Tuesday the thieves, Wednesday the +gamblers, Thursday the drunkards, Friday the women of bad life, and +Saturday the libertines." + +Strange to relate, nobody came that week to confess their sins. + + + + +A SLEEPY DEACON. + + +THERE are times and seasons when sleep is never appropriate, and with +these may be classed the sleep of the good old Cincinnati deacon. + +The deacon was the owner and overseer of a large pork-packing +establishment. His duty it was to stand at the head of the scalding +trough, watch in hand, to "time" the length of the scald, crying "Hog +in!" when the just slaughtered hog was to be thrown into the trough, and +"Hog out!" when the watch told three minutes. One week the press of +business compelled the packers to unusually hard labor, and Saturday +night found the deacon completely exhausted. Indeed, he was almost sick +the next morning, when church time came; but he was a leading member, +and it was his duty to attend the usual Sabbath service, if he could. He +went. The occasion was of unusual solemnity, as a revival was in +progress. The minister preached a sermon, well calculated for effect. +His peroration was a climax of great beauty. Assuming the attitude of +one intently listening, he recited to the breathless auditory: + + "Hark, they whisper; angels say-- + +"_Hog in!_" came from the deacon's pew, in a stentorian voice. The +astonished audience turned their attention from the preacher. He went +on, however, unmoved-- + + "Sister spirit, come away." + +"_Hog out!_" shouted the deacon, "_tally four_." + +This was too much for the preacher and the audience. The latter smiled, +some snickered audibly, while a few boys broke for the door, to "split +their sides," laughing outside, within full hearing. The preacher was +entirely disconcerted, sat down, arose again, pronounced a brief +benediction, and dismissed the anything else than solemn minded hearers. +The deacon soon came to a realizing sense of his unconscious interlude, +for his brethren reprimanded him severely; while the boys caught the +infection of the joke, and every possible occasion afforded an +opportunity for them to say, "_Hog in!_" "_Hog out!_" + + + + +LOST IN A FOG. + + +"SUPPOSE you are lost in a fog," said Lord C---- to his noble relative, +the Marchioness, "what are you most likely to be?" "Mist, of course," +replied her ladyship. + + + + +NO MISTAKE. + + +"YOU don't seem to know how to take me," said a vulgar fellow to a +gentleman he had insulted. "Yes, I do," said the gentleman, taking him +by the nose. + + + + +RESPECT FOR APPEARANCES. + + +ON a Sunday, a lady called to her little boy, who was tossing marbles on +the side walk, to come in the house. + +"Don't you know you should not be out there, my son?" said she. "Go into +the back yard, if you want to play marbles; it is Sunday." + +"I will," answered the little boy; "but ain't it Sunday in the back +yard, mother?" + + + + +MAKING THE RESPONSES. + + +AN ignorant fellow, who was about to get married, resolved to make +himself perfect in the responses of the marriage service; but, by +mistake, he committed the office of baptism for those of riper years; so +when the clergyman asked him in the church, "Wilt thou have this woman +to be thy wedded wife?" the bridegroom answered, in a very solemn tone, +"I renounce them all." The astonished minister said, "I think you are a +fool!" to which he replied, "All this I steadfastly believe." + + + + +PERSONAL IDENTITY. + + +AN ill-looking fellow was asked how he could account for nature's +forming him so ugly. "Nature was not to blame," said he; "for when I was +two months old, I was considered the handsomest child in the +neighborhood, but my nurse one day _swapped_ me away for another boy +just to please a friend, whose child was rather plain looking." + + + + +IKE PARTINGTON AND PUGILISM. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON was much surprised to find Ike, one rainy afternoon, in +the spare room, with the rag-bag hung to the bed-post, which he was +belaboring very lustily with his fists as huge as two one cent apples. + +"What gymnastiness are you doing here?" said she, as she opened the +door. + +He did not stop, and merely replying, "Training," continued to pitch in. +She stood looking at him as he danced around the bag, busily punching +its rotund sides. + +"That's the Morrissey touch," said he, giving one side a dig; "and +that," hitting the other side, "is the Benicia Boy." + +"Stop!" she said, and he immediately stopped after he had given the last +blow for Morrissey. "I am afraid the training you are having isn't +good," said she, "and I think you had better train in some other +company. I thought your going into compound fractures in school would be +dilatorious to you. I don't know who Mr. Morrissey is, and I don't want +to, but I hear that he has been whipping the Pernicious Boy, a poor lad +with a sore leg, and I think he should be ashamed of himself." Ike had +read the "_Herald_," with all about "the great prize fight" in it, and +had become entirely carried away with it. + + + + +GEORGE SELWYN. + + +GEORGE SELWYN was telling at dinner-table, in the midst of a large +company, and with great glee, of the execution of Lord Lovat, which he +had witnessed. The ladies were shocked at the levity he manifested, and +one of them reproached him, saying, + +"How could you be such a barbarian as to see the head of a man cut off?" + +"Oh," said he, "if that was any great crime, I am sure I made amends for +it; for I went to see it sewed on again." + + + + +PROMPT REPLY. + + +A FOP in company, wanting his servant, called out: + +"Where's that blockhead of mine?" A lady present, answered, "On your +shoulders, Sir." + + + + +DIVISION OF TIME. + + +"MURPHY," said an employer, the other morning, to one of his workmen, +"you came late this morning, the other men were an hour before you." +"Sure, and I'll be even wit 'em to-night, then." "How, Murphy?" "Why, +faith, I'll quit an hour before 'em all, sure." + + + + +A GROOM. + + +A GROOM is a chap, that a gentleman keeps to clean his 'osses, and be +blown up, when things go wrong. They are generally wery conceited +consequential beggars, and as they never knows nothing, why the best way +is to take them so young, that they can't pretend to any knowledge. I +always get mine from the charity schools, and you'll find it wery good +economy, to apply to those that give the boys leather breeches, as it +will save you the trouble of finding him a pair. The first thing to do, +is to teach him to get up early, and to hiss at everything he brushes, +rubs, or touches. As the leather breeches should be kept for Sundays, +you must get him a pair of corderoys, and mind, order them of large +size, and baggy behind, for many 'osses have a trick of biting at chaps +when they are cleaning them; and it is better for them to have a +mouthful of corderoy, than the lad's bacon, to say nothing of the loss +of the boy's services, during the time he is laid up.--_John Jorrock's +Sporting Lectures._ + + + + +IN A QUIVER. + + +A COQUETTE is said to be an imperfect incarnation of Cupid, as she keeps +her beau, and not her arrows, in a quiver. + + + + +SATISFACTORY ANSWERS. + + +YANKEES are supposed to have attained the greatest art in parrying +inquisitiveness, but there is a story extant of a "Londoner" on his +travels in the provinces, who rather eclipses the cunning "Yankee +Peddler." In traveling post, says the narrator, he was obliged to stop +at a village to replace a shoe which his horse had lost; when the "Paul +Pry" of the place bustled up to the carriage-window, and without waiting +for the ceremony of an introduction, said: + +"Good-morning, Sir. Horse cast a shoe I see. I suppose, Sir, you are +going to--?" + +Here he paused, expecting the name of the place to be supplied; but the +gentleman answered: + +"You are quite right; I generally go there at this season." + +"Ay--ahem!--do you? And no doubt you are now come from--?" + +"Right again, Sir; I _live_ there." + +"Oh, ay; I see: you do! But I perceive it is a London shay. Is there +anything stirring in London?" + +"Oh, yes; plenty of other chaises and carriages of all sorts." + +"Ay, ay, of course. But what do folks say?" + +"They say their prayers every Sunday." + +"That isn't what I mean. I want to know whether there is anything new +and fresh." + +"Yes; bread and herrings." + +"Ah, you are a queer fellow. Pray, mister, may I ask your name?" + +"Fools and clowns," said the gentleman, "call me 'Mister;' but I am in +reality one of the clowns of Aristophanes; and my real name is +_Brekekekex Koax_! Drive on, postilion!" + +Now this is what we call a "pursuit of knowledge under difficulties" of +the most _obstinate_ kind. + + + + +BARON ROTHSCHILD. + + +THERE is a good story told recently of Baron Rothschild, of Paris, the +richest man of his class in the world, which shows that it is not only +"money which makes the mare go" (or horses either, for that matter), but +"_ready_ money," "unlimited credit" to the contrary notwithstanding. On +a very wet and disagreeable day, the Baron took a Parisian omnibus, on +his way to the Bourse or Exchange; near which the "Nabob of Finance" +alighted, and was going away without paying. The driver stopped him, and +demanded his fare. Rothschild felt in his pocket, but he had not a "red +cent" of change. The driver was very wroth: + +"Well, what did you get _in_ for, if you could not pay? You must have +_known_ that you had no money!" + +"I am Baron Rothschild!" exclaimed the great capitalist; "and there is +my card!" + +The driver threw the card in the gutter: "Never heard of you before," +said the driver, "and don't want to hear of you again. But I want my +fare--and I must have it!" The great banker was in haste. "I have only +an order for a million," he said. "Give me change;" and he proffered a +"coupon" for fifty thousand francs. + +The conductor stared, and the passengers set up a horselaugh. Just then +an "Agent de Change" came by, and Baron Rothschild borrowed of him the +six sous. + +The driver was now seized with a kind of remorseful respect; and turning +to the Money-King, he said: + +"If you want ten francs, Sir, I don't mind lending them to you on my own +account!" + + + + +MRS. CAUDLE'S UMBRELLA. + + +ONE of the best chapters in "Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures," is where +that amiable and greatly abused angel reproaches her inhuman spouse with +loaning the family umbrella: + +"Ah! that's the third umbrella gone since Christmas! What were you to +do? Why, let him go home in the rain. I don't think there was any thing +about _him_ that would spoil. Take cold, indeed! He does not look like +one o' the sort to take cold. He'd better taken cold, than our only +umbrella. Do you hear the rain, Caudle? I say do you _hear the rain_? Do +you hear it against the windows? Nonsense; you can't be asleep with such +a shower as that. Do you _hear_ it, I say? Oh, you _do_ hear it, do you? +Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last six weeks, and no stirring +all the time out of the house. Poh! don't think to fool _me_, Caudle: +_he_ return the umbrella! As if any body ever _did_ return an umbrella! +There--do you hear it? Worse and worse! Cats and dogs for six +weeks--always six weeks--and no umbrella! + +"I should like to know how the children are to go to school, to-morrow. +They shan't go through _such_ weather, _that_ I'm determined. No; they +shall stay at home, and never learn anything, sooner than go and get +wet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to thank for +knowing nothing. People who can't feel for their children ought never to +_be_ fathers. + +"But _I_ know why you lent the umbrella--_I_ know very well. I was going +out to tea to mother's, to-morrow;--you _knew_ that very well; and you +did it on purpose. Don't tell me; _I_ know: you don't want me to go, and +take every mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Caudle. +No; if it comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more: I will; and +what's more, I'll walk every step of the way; and you know that will +give me my death," &c., &c., &c. + + + + +FOLLOW YOUR NOSE. + + +"PRAY, Sir, what makes you walk so crookedly?" "Oh, my nose, you see, is +crooked, and I have to follow it!" + + + + +LORENZO DOW. + + +LORENZO DOW is still remembered by some of the "old fogies" as one of +the most eccentric men that ever lived. On one occasion he took the +liberty, while preaching, to denounce a rich man in the community, +recently deceased. The result was an arrest, a trial for slander, and an +imprisonment in the county jail. After Lorenzo got out of "limbo," he +announced that, in spite of his (in his opinion) unjust punishment, he +should preach, at a given time, a sermon about "another rich man." The +populace was greatly excited, and a crowded house greeted his +appearance. With great solemnity he opened the Bible, and read, "And +there was a rich man who died and went to ----;" then stopping short, +and seeming to be suddenly impressed, he continued: "Brethren, I shall +not mention the place this rich man went to, for fear he has some +relatives in this congregation who will sue me for defamation of +character." The effect on the assembled multitude was irresistible, and +he made the impression permanent by taking another text, and never +alluding to the subject again. + + + + +SMART WAITER. + + +THE following story, although latterly related of "a distinguished +Southern gentleman, and former member of the cabinet," was formerly +told, we are _almost_ quite certain, of the odd and eccentric John +Randoph of Roanoke, with certain omissions and additions. Be that as it +may, the anecdote is a good one, and "will do to keep." + +"The gentleman was a boarder in one of the most splendid of the New York +hotels; and preferring not to eat at the _table d'hote_, had his meals +served in his own parlor, with all the elegance for which the +establishment had deservedly become noted. + +"Being somewhat annoyed with the airs of the servant who waited upon +him--a negro of 'the blackest dye'--he desired him at dinner one day to +retire. The negro bowed, and took his stand behind the gentleman's +chair. Supposing him to be gone, it was with some impatience that, a few +minutes after, the gentleman saw him step forward to remove his soup. + +"'Fellow!' said he, 'leave the room! I wish to be alone.' + +"'Excuse me, Sah,' said Cuffee, drawing himself stiffly up, 'but _I'se +'sponsible for de silver_!'" + + + + +COULDN'T FIND IT OUT. + + +MR. SLOCUM was not educated in a university, and his life has been in +by-paths, and out-of-the-way places. His mind is characterized by the +literalness, rather than the comprehensive grasp of great subjects. Mr. +Slocum can, however, master a printed paragraph, by dint of spelling the +hard words, in a deliberate manner, and manages to gain a few glimpses +of men and things, from his little rocky farm, through the medium of a +newspaper. It is quite edifying to hear Mr. Slocum reading the village +paper aloud, to his wife, after a hard day's work. A few evenings since, +farmer Slocum was reading an account of a dreadful accident, which +happened at the factory in the next town, and which the village editor +had described in a great many words. + +"I declare, wife, that was an awful accident over to the mills," said +Mr. Slocum. + +"What was it about, Mr. Slocum?" + +"I'll read the 'count, wife, and then you'll know all about it." + +Mr. S. began to read: + +"_Horrible and Fatal Accident._--It becomes our melancholy and painful +duty, to record the particulars of an accident that occurred at the +lower mill, in this village, yesterday afternoon, by which a human +being, in the prime of life, was hurried to that bourne from which, as +the immortal Shakspeare says, 'no traveler returns.'" + +"Du tell!" exclaimed Mrs. S. + +"Mr. David Jones, a workman, who has but few superiors this side of the +city, was superintending one of the large drums--" + +"I wonder if 'twas a brass drum, such as has 'Eblubust Unum' printed +on't," said Mrs. Slocum. + +--"When he became entangled. His arm was drawn around the drum, and +finally his whole body was drawn over the shaft, at a fearful rate. When +his situation was discovered, he had revolved with immense velocity, +about fifteen minutes, his head and limbs striking a large beam a +distinct blow at each revolution." + +"Poor creeter! how it must have hurt him!" + +"When the machinery had been stopped, it was found that Mr. Jones's arms +and legs were macerated to a jelly." + +"Well, didn't it kill him?" asked Mrs. S., with increasing interest. + +"Portions of the dura mater, cerebrum, and cerebellum, in confused +masses, were scattered about the floor; in short, the gates of eternity +had opened upon him." + +Here, Mr. Slocum paused to wipe his spectacles, and the wife seized the +opportunity to press the question. + +"Was the man killed?" + +"I don't know--haven't come to that place yet; you'll know when I've +finished the piece." And Mr. Slocum continued reading: + +"It was evident, when the shapeless form was taken down, that it was no +longer tenanted by the immortal spirit--that the vital spark was +extinct." + +"Was the man killed? that's what I want to come at," said Mrs. Slocum. + +"Do have a little patience, old woman," said Mr. Slocum, eyeing his +better half, over his spectacles, "I presume we shall come upon it right +away." And he went on reading: + +"This fatal casualty has cast a gloom over our village, and we trust +that it will prove a warning to all persons who are called upon to +regulate the powerful machinery of our mills." + +"Now," said Mrs. Slocum, perceiving that the narration was ended, "now, +I should like to know whether the man was killed or not?" + +Mr. Slocum looked puzzled. He scratched his head, scrutinized the +article he had been perusing, and took a graceful survey of the paper. + +"I declare, wife," said he, "it's curious, but really the paper don't +say." + + + + +CAUGHT ON A JURY. + + +THE following, which we have heard told as a fact, some time ago, may be +beneficial to some gentleman who has a young and unsuspecting wife: + +A certain man, who lived about ten miles from K----, was in the habit of +going to town, about once a week, and getting on a regular spree, and +would not return until he had time to "cool off," which was generally +two or three days. His wife was ignorant of the cause of his staying out +so long, and suffered greatly from anxiety about his welfare. When he +would return, of course his confiding wife would inquire what had been +the matter with him, and the usual reply was, that he was caught on the +jury, and couldn't get off. + +Having gathered his corn, and placed it in a large heap, he, according +to custom, determined to call in his neighbors, and have a real +corn-shucking frolic. So he gave Ned, a faithful servant, a jug and an +order, to go to town and get a gallon of whiskey--a very necessary +article on such occasions. Ned mounted a mule, and was soon in town, +and, equipped with the whiskey, remounted to set out for home, all +buoyant with the prospect of fun at shucking. + +When he had proceeded a few hundred yards from town, he concluded to +take the "stuff," and not satisfied with once, he kept trying until the +world turned round so fast, that he turned off the mule, and then he +went to sleep, and the mule to grazing. It was now nearly night, and +when Ned awoke it was just before the break of day, and so dark, that he +was unable to make any start towards home until light. As soon as his +bewilderment had subsided, so that he could get the "point," he started +with an empty jug, the whiskey having run out, and afoot, for the mule +had gone home. Of course he was contemplating the application of a "two +year old hickory," as he went on at the rate of two forty. + +Ned reached home about breakfast time, and "fetched up" at the back +door, with a decidedly guilty countenance. + +"What in thunder have you been at, you black rascal?" said his master. + +Ned knowing his master's excuse to his wife, when he went on a spree, +determined to tell the truth, if he died for it, and said: + +"Well, massa, to tell the truth, I was kotch on the jury, and couldn't +get off."--_Nashville News._ + + + + +A CURE BY LAUGHTER. + + +AN aged widow had a cow, which fell sick. In her distress for fear of +the loss of this her principal means of support, she had recourse to the +rector, in whose prayers she had implicit faith, and humbly besought his +reverence to visit her cow, and pray for her recovery. The worthy man, +instead of being offended at this trait of simplicity, in order to +comfort the poor woman, called in the afternoon at her cottage, and +proceeded to visit the sick animal. Walking thrice round it, he at each +time gravely repeated: "_If she dies she dies, but if she lives she +lives._" The cow happily recovered, which the widow entirely attributed +to the efficacy of her pastor's prayer. Some short time after, the +rector himself was seized with a quinsy, and in imminent danger, to the +sincere grief of his affectionate parishioners, and of none more than +the grateful widow. She repaired to the parsonage, and after +considerable difficulty from his servants, obtained admission to his +chamber, when thrice walking round his bed, she repeated "_If he dies he +dies, but if he lives he lives_;" which threw the doctor into such a fit +of laughter, that the imposthume broke, and produced an immediate cure. + + + + +GOOD PRAYER. + + +A WITTY lawyer once jocosely asked a boarding-house keeper the following +question: + +"Mr. ----, if a man gives you five hundred dollars to keep for him, and +he dies, what do you do? Do you pray for him?" + +"No, sir," replied ----, "I pray for another like him." + + + + +NON SUM QUALIS ERAM. + + +A NOBLE and learned lord, when attorney general, being at a consultation +where there was considerable difference of opinion between him and his +brother counsel, delivered his sentiments with his usual energy, and +concluded by striking his hand on the table, and saying, "This, +gentlemen, is _my opinion_." The peremptory tone with which this was +spoken so nettled the solicitor, who had frequently consulted him when a +young barrister, that he sarcastically repeated, "Your opinion! I have +often had your opinion for five shillings." Mr. Attorney with great good +humour said, "Very true, and probably you then paid its full value." + + + + +ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER. + + +ONE winter day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, +and ordered a steak: "But," said his royal highness, "I am devilish +cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, +another, and another. "Now," said he, "I am comfortable, bring my +steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the +following impromptu: + + "The Prince came in, said it was cold, + Then put to his head the rummer; + Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came, + When he pronounced it summer." + + + + +CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON. + + +ADAM, the goodliest of _men since born His sons; the fairest of her +daughters Eve_. + + + + +GIVE THE DEVIL HIS DUE. + + +AT the grand entertainment given at Vauxhall in July, 1813, to celebrate +the victories of the Marquis of Wellington, the fire-works, prepared +under the direction of General Congreve, were the theme of universal +admiration. The General himself was present, and being in a circle where +the conversation turned on monumental inscriptions, he observed that +nothing could be finer than the short epitaph on Purcel, in Westminster +Abbey. + +"He has gone to that place where only his own Harmony can be exceeded." + +"Why, General," said a lady, "it will suit you exactly, with the +alteration of a single word. + +"He is gone to that place, where only his own _Fire-Works_ can be +exceeded." + + + + +A SOUND REASON. + + +A CERTAIN cabinet minister being asked why he did not promote merit? +"Because," answered he, "merit did not promote me." + + + + +MODERN IMPROVEMENTS. + + +AN eminent barrister arguing a cause respecting the infringement of a +patent for buckles, took occasion to hold forth on its vast improvement; +and by way of example, taking one of his own out of his shoe, "What," +exclaimed he, "would my ancestors have said to see my feet ornamented +with this?" "Aye," observed Mr. Mingay, "what would they have said to +see your feet ornamented with either shoes or stockings?" + + + + +A HOOSIER AT THE ASTOR. + + +B. MET on the train an elderly Hoosier, who had been to the show-case +exhibition at New York, and who had seen the _hi po dro me_, as he +called it. + +"Did you remain long in New York?" asked B. + +"Well, no," he answered thoughtfully, "only two days, for I saw there +was a right smart chance of starving to death, and I'm opposed to that +way of going down. I put up at one of their taverns, and allowed I was +going to be treated to the whole." + +"Where did you stop?" said B., interrupting him. + +"At the Astor House. I allow you don't ketch me in no such place again. +They rung a _gong_, as they call it, four times after breakfast, and +then, when I went to eat, there wasn't nary vittles on the table." + +"What was there?" B. ventured to inquire. + +"Well," said the old man, enumerating the items cautiously, as if from +fear of omission--"there was a clean plate wrong side up, a knife, a +clean towel, a split spoon, and a hand bill, and what was worse," added +the old man, "the insultin' nigger up and asked me what I wanted. +'_Vittles_,' said I, '_bring in your vittles and I'll help myself!_'" + + + + +ECONOMY. + + +"BUBBY, why don't you go home and have your mother sew up that awful +hole in your trowsers?" + +"Oh, you git eout, old 'oman," was the respectful reply, "our folks are +economizing, and a hole will last longer than a patch any day." + + + + +QUAKER _vs._ QUAKER. + + +OLD JACOB J---- was a shrewd Quaker merchant in Burlington, New Jersey, +and, like all shrewd men, was often a little too smart for himself. + +An old Quaker lady of Bristol, Pennsylvania, just over the river, bought +some goods at Jacob's store, _when he was absent_, and in crossing the +river on her way home, she met him aboard the boat, and, as was usual +with him upon such occasions, he immediately pitched into her bundle of +goods and untied it to see what she had been buying. + +"Oh now," says he, "how much a yard did you give for that, and that?" +taking up the several pieces of goods. She told him the price, without, +however, saying where she had got them. + +"Oh now," says he again, "I could have sold you those goods for so much +a yard," mentioning a price a great deal lower than she had paid. "You +know," says he, "I can undersell every body in the place;" and so he +went on criticising and undervaluing the goods till the boat reached +Bristol, when he was invited to go to the old lady's store, and when +there the goods were spread out on the counter, and Jacob was asked to +examine the goods again, and say, in the presence of witnesses, the +price he would have sold them at per yard, the old lady, meanwhile, +taking a memorandum. She then went to the desk and made out a bill of +the difference between what she had paid and the price he told her; then +coming up to him, she said, + +"Now, Jacob, thee is sure thee could have sold those goods at the price +thee mentioned?" + +"Oh now, yes," says he. + +"Well, then, thy young man must have made a mistake; for I bought the +goods from thy store, and of course, under the circumstances, thee can +have no objection to refund me the difference." + +Jacob, being thus cornered, could, of course, under the circumstances, +have no objection. It is to be presumed that thereafter Jacob's first +inquiry must have been, "Oh now, where did you get such and such goods?" +instead of "Oh now, how much did you pay?" + + + + +HEM _vs._ HAW. + + +MR. OBERON (a man about town) was lately invited to a sewing party. The +next day a friend asked him how the entertainment came off. "Oh, it was +very amusing," replied Oberon, "the ladies hemmed and I hawed." + + + + +POETRY DONE TO ORDER. + + +ON one occasion a country gentleman, knowing Joseph Green's reputation +as a poet, procured an introduction to him, and solicited a "first-rate +epitaph" for a favorite servant who had lately died. Green asked what +were the man's chief qualities, and was told that "Cole excelled in all +things, but was particularly good at raking hay, which he could do +faster than anybody, the present company, of course, excepted." Green +wrote immediately-- + + "Here lies the body of John Cole: + His master loved him like his soul; + He could rake hay; none could rake faster, + Except that raking dog, his master." + + + + +THE RIVAL CANDIDATES. + + +TWO candidates disputed the palm for singing, and left the decision to +Dr. Arne, who having heard them exert their vocal abilities, said to the +one, "You, Sir, are the worst singer I ever heard." On which the other +exulting, the umpire, turning to him, said, "And as for you, Sir, you +cannot sing at all." + + + + +PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY. + + +A MEMBER of parliament took occasion to make his maiden speech, on a +question respecting the execution of a particular statute. Rising +solemnly, after three loud hems, he spoke as follows: "Mr. Speaker, have +we laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, and they are not +executed, for what purpose were they made?" So saying, he sat down full +of self-consequence. Another member then rose, and thus delivered +himself: "Mr. Speaker, did the honourable member speak to the purpose, +or not speak to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what +purpose did he speak?" + + + + +A BROAD HINT. + + +AN Irish gentleman, of tolerable assurance, obtruded his company where +he was far from being welcome; the master of the house, indeed, +literally kicked him down stairs. Returning to some acquaintance whom he +had told his intention of dining at the above house, and being asked why +he had so soon returned, he answered, "I got a hint that my company was +not agreeable." + + + + +PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY. + + +MR. ADDISON, whose abilities no man can doubt, was from diffidence +totally unable to speak in the house. In a debate on the Union act, +desirous of delivering his sentiments, he rose, and began, "Mr. Speaker, +_I conceive_"--but could go no farther. Twice he repeated, +unsuccessfully, the same attempt; when a young member, possessed of +greater effrontery than ability, completely confused him, by rising and +saying, "Mr. Speaker, the honourable gentleman _has conceived three +times, and brought forth nothing_." + + + + +A SEVERE REPROOF. + + +THE late Duke of Grafton, one of the last of the old school of polished +gentlemen, being seated with a party of ladies in the stage-box of +Drury-lane theatre, a sprig of modern fashion came in booted and +spurred. At the end of the act, the duke rose, and made the young man a +low bow: + +"I beg leave, Sir, in the name of these ladies, and for myself, to offer +you our thanks for your forbearance." + +"I don't understand you; what do you mean?" + +"I mean, that as you have come in with your boots and spurs, to thank +you for that you have not brought your horse too." + + + + +CANINE LEARNING. + + +A FOREIGNER would be apt to suppose that all the dogs of England were +literary, on reading a notice on a board stuck up in a garden at +Millbank: "All dogs found in this garden will be shot." + + + + +A STRATAGEM. + + +A TRAVELER coming, wet and cold, into a country ale-house on the coast +of Kent, found the fire completely blockaded. He ordered the landlord to +carry his horse half a peck of oysters. "He cannot eat oysters," said +mine host. "Try him," quoth the traveller. The company all ran out to +see the horse eat oysters. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the +landlord. "Then," coolly replied the gentleman, who had taken possession +of the best seat, "bring them to me, and I'll eat them myself." + + + + +A NECESSARY HINT. + + +OVER the chimney-piece, in the parlor of a public house, in Fleet +street, is this inscription: "_Gentlemen learning to spell, are +requested to use yesterday's paper._" + + + + +A REASON. + + +A COUNTRY parish clerk, being asked how the inscriptions on the tombs in +the church-yard were so badly spelled? "Because," answered _Amen_, "the +people are so niggardly, that they won't pay for good spelling." + + + + +CAPITAL JOKES. + + +WHILE a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily +peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what +he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If," replied Mr. Curran, "you +have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the +better." + + + + +RAPID TRAVELING. + + +A DIGNIFIED clergyman, possessor of a coal mine, respecting which he was +likely to have a law-suit, sent for an attorney in order to have his +advice. Our lawyer was curious to see a coal-pit, and was let down by a +rope. Before he was lowered, he said to the parson, "Doctor, your +knowledge is not confined to the surface of the world, but you have +likewise penetrated to its inmost recesses; how far may it be from this +to hell?" "I don't know, exactly," answered he, gravely, "but if you let +go your hold, _you'll be there in a minute_." + + + + +A MISAPPELLATION. + + +A YOUNG officer being indicted for an assault on an aged gentleman, Mr. +Erskine began to open the case thus: "This is an indictment against a +soldier for assaulting an old man." "Sir," indignantly interrupted the +defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an officer!" "I beg your pardon," said +Mr. Erskine; "then, gentlemen of the jury, this is an indictment against +_an officer_, who is _no soldier_, for assaulting an old man." + + + + +CONNUBIAL BLISS. + + +I ONCE met a free and easy actor, who told me he had passed three +festive days at the Marquis and Marchioness of ---- without any +invitation, convinced (as proved to be the case) that my lord and my +lady, not being on _speaking terms_, each would suppose the other had +asked him.--_Reynold's Life and Times._ + + + + +QUICK FIRING. + + +WHEN Mr. Thelwell was on his trial for high treason, he wrote this note +to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my own cause." +Erskine answered, "If you do, you'll be hanged." Thelwell replied, "I'll +be hanged if I do." + + + + +THE HARDSHIPS OF LIFE. + + +A DRAMATIC author, not unconscious of his own abilities, observed, that +he knew nothing so terrible as reading a play in the green-room, before +so critical an audience. "I know something more terrible," said Mrs. +Powell. "What is that?" "To be obliged to sit and hear it read." + + + + +SYMPTOMS OF CIVILIZATION. + + +WALKING STUART, being cast away on an unknown shore, where, after he and +his companions had proceeded a long way without seeing a creature, at +length, to their great delight, they descried _a man hanging on a +gibbet_. "The joy," says he, "which this _cheering sight_ excited, +cannot be described; for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized +country_." + + + + +AN IMPROVEMENT. + + +A GENTLEMAN asked his _black diamond merchant_ the price of coals. "Ah!" +said he, significantly shaking his head, "coals are coals, now." "I am +glad to hear that," observed the wit, "for the last I had of you, were +half of them slates." + + + + +A SENTIMENTAL FOSSIL. + + +"WHAT is your name?" "My name is Norval, on the Grampian Hills." + +"Where did you come from?" "I come from a happy land, where care is +unknown." + +"Where are you lodging now?" "I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls." + +"Where are you going to?" "Far, far o'er hill and dell." + +"What is your occupation?" "Some love to roam." + +"Are you married?" "Long time ago. Polly put the kettle on." + +"How many children have you?" "There's Doll, and Bet, and Moll, and +Kate, and--" + +"What is your wife's name?" "O no, we never mention her." + +"Did your wife oppose your leaving her?" "She wept not, when we parted." + +"In what condition did you leave her?" "A rose tree in full bearing." + +"Is your family provided for?" "A little farm, well tilled." + +"Did your wife drive you off?" "Oh, sublime was the warning." + +"What did your wife say to you, that induced you to _slope_?" "Come, +rest in this bosom." + +"Was your wife good-looking?" "She wore a wreath of roses." + +"Did your wife ever treat you badly?" "Oft in the stilly night." + +"When you announced your intention of emigrating, what did she say?" +"Oh, dear, what can the matter be?" + +"And what did you reply?" "Sweet Kitty Clover, you bother me so!" + +"Where did you last see her?" "Near the lakes, where drooped the +willow." + +"What did she say to you, when you were in the act of leaving?" "A place +in thy memory, dearest!" + +"Do you still love her?" "'Tis said that absence conquers love." + +"What are your possessions?" "The harp that once through Tara's halls--" + +"What do you propose to do with it?" "I'll hang my harp on a willow +tree." + +"Where do you expect to make a living?" "Over the water with Charley." + + + + +AN INSCRIPTION. + + +MR. CAMPBELL, a Highland gentleman, through whose estate in Argyleshire +runs the military road which was made under the direction of General +Wade, in grateful commemoration of its benefits, placed a stone seat on +the top of a hill, where the weary traveler may repose, after the labour +of his ascent, and on which is judiciously inscribed, _Rest, and be +thankful_. It has, also, the following sublime distich: + + "Had you seen this road, _before it was made_, + You would lift up your hands, and bless General Wade." + + + + +PUN ALPHABETICAL. + + +"THERE was a man hanged this morning; one _Vowel_." "Well, let us be +thankful, _it was neither U nor I_." + + + + +SHAKSPEAREAN COOKERY. + + +AN argument took place in a coffee-house, between two men of _taste_, as +to the best method of dressing a beefsteak. They referred the matter to +a comedian, who, having an eye to the _shop_, said he preferred +Shakspeare's recipe to either of theirs, "Shakspeare's recipe!" they +both exclaimed. "Aye, Shakspeare's recipe: + + 'If when 'twere done, 'twere well done, then 'twere well, + It were done quickly.'" + + + + +A REPROOF. + + +MR. KING and Mr. Lewis walking together in Birmingham, a chimney sweeper +and his boy passed them. The lad stared at them, exclaiming, "They be +players!" "Hush! you dog," says the old sweep, "you don't know what you +may come to yourself yet." + + + + +A REASONABLE BILL. + + +AN undertaker waited on a gentleman, with the bill for the burial of his +wife, amounting to 67_l._ "That's a vast sum," said the widower, "for +laying a silent female horizontally; you must have made some mistake!" +"Not in the least," answered the coffin-monger, "handsome hearse--three +coaches and six, well-dressed mutes, handsome pall--nobody, your honor, +could do it for less." The gentleman rejoined: "It is a large sum, Mr. +Crape; but as I am satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as +much to bury me, I must not be behind her in an act of kindness; there +is a check for the amount." + + + + +A PARTNERSHIP. + + +THE Marquis della Scallas, an Italian nobleman, giving a grand +entertainment, his major domo informed him that there was a fisherman +below with a remarkably fine fish, but who demanded for it a very +uncommon price--he won't take any money, but insists on a hundred +strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders. The marquis surprised, +ordered him in, when he persisted in his demand. To humor him the +marquis complied, telling his groom not to lay on too hard. When he had +received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have got a partner, to +whom I have engaged that he should have half of whatever I was to +receive for my fish--your lordship's porter, who would admit me only on +that condition." It is almost unnecessary to add, that the porter had +his share well paid, and that the fisherman got the full value for his +prize. + + + + +LIFE INSURANCE. + + +JAMES II., when Duke of York, found his brother, King Charles, in +Hyde-park, unattended, at what was considered a perilous time. The duke +expressed his surprise that his majesty should venture alone in so +public a place. "James," said the king, "take care of yourself; no man +in England will kill me to make you king." + + + + +AN IRISH NOTICE. + + +IN a pool across a road in the county of Tipperary is stuck up a pole, +having affixed to it a board, with this inscription: "_Take notice, that +when the water is over this board the road is impassable._" + + + + +MOUTHS AND MEAT. + + +A POOR man, with a family of seven children, complained to his richer +neighbor of his hard case, his heavy family, and the inequality of +fortune. The other callously observed, that whenever Providence sent +mouths it sent meat. "True," said the former, "but it has sent to you +the _meat_, and me the _mouths_." + + + + +THE BENEFIT OF LYING. + + +A FELLOW was tried for stealing, and it was satisfactorily proved that +he had acknowledged the theft to several persons, yet the jury acquitted +him. The judge, surprised, asked their reason. The foreman said that he +and his fellows knew the prisoner to be such an abominable liar, that +they could not believe one word he said. + + + + +A BROAD HINT. + + +A GERMAN prince being one day on a balcony with a foreign minister, told +him, "One of my predecessors made an ambassador leap down from this +balcony." "Perhaps," said his excellency, "it was not the fashion then +for ambassadors to wear swords." + + + + +PREFERMENT. + + +AN auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the +King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning +Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been +promoted to the _bench_." + + + + +SHOES MISUSED. + + +A LADY bespoke a pair of dress shoes from an eminent shoemaker in +Jermyn-street. When they were brought home she was delighted with them. +She put them on the same evening, and went to a ball, where she danced. +Next day, examining her favorite shoes, she found them almost in pieces. +She sent for the tradesman, and showed him them. "Good God!" said he, +"it is not possible." At length, recollecting himself, he added, "How +stupid I am! as sure as death your ladyship must have _walked in them_." + + + + +A SUPPOSITION. + + +IN the time of the persecution of the protestants in France, the English +ambassador solicited of Louis XIV. the liberation of those sent to the +galleys on account of their religion. "What," answered the monarch, +"would the king of England say, were I to demand the liberation of the +prisoners in Newgate?" "The king, my master," replied the minister, +"would grant them to your majesty, if you reclaimed them as brothers." + + + + +A CHARACTER SUPPORTED. + + +A BEGGAR asking alms under the character of a poor scholar, a gentleman +put the question, _Quomodo vales?_ The fellow, shaking his head, said he +did not understand his honor. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not +say you were a poor scholar?" "Yes," replied the other, "a very poor +scholar; so much so that I don't understand a word of Latin." + + + + +AN ESPECIAL FAVOR. + + +A BARONET scientifically skilled in pugilism, enjoyed no pleasure so +much as giving gratuitous instructions in his favorite art. A peer +paying him a visit, they had a sparring-match, in the course of which he +seized his lordship behind, and threw him over his head with a violent +shock. The nobleman not relishing this rough usage, "My lord," said the +baronet, respectfully, "I assure you that I never show this manoeuvre +except to my particular friends." + + + + +A CHARM. + + +BUCHANAN the historian was, from his learning, thought in his days of +superstition to be a wizard. An old woman, who kept an ale-house in St. +Andrews, consulted George, in hopes that by necromantic arts he might +restore her custom, which was unaccountably decreasing. He readily +promised his aid. "Every time you brew, Maggy," says he, "go three times +to the left round the copper, and at each round take out a ladle-full of +water in the devil's name; then turn three times round to the right, and +each time throw in a ladle-full of malt in God's name; but above all, +wear this charm constantly on your breast, and never during your life +attempt to open it, or dread the worst." She strictly conformed, and her +business increased astonishingly. On her death her friends ventured to +open and examine the charm, when they found it to contain these words: + + "If Maggy will brew good ale, + Maggy will have good sale." + + + + +SHORT DIALOGUE. + + +_Lady_: You can not imagine, captain, how deeply I feel the want of +children, surrounded as I am by every comfort--nothing else is wanting +to render me supremely happy. + +_Captain O'Flinn_: Faith, ma'am, I've heard o' that complaint running in +families; p'rhaps your mother had not any childer either? + + + + +A BLUNT WITNESS. + + +AT a late term of the Court of Sessions a man was brought up by a +farmer, accused of stealing some ducks. + +"How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. + +"Oh, I should know them _any_ where," replied the farmer; and he went on +to describe their different peculiarities. + +"Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rare +breed; I have some very like them in my own yard." + +"That's not unlikely, Sir," replied the farmer; "they are not the _only_ +ducks I have had stolen lately!" + +"Call the _next_ witness!" + + + + +QUESTION SOLVED. + + +A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a stout fellow, + +"If two pigs weigh twenty pounds, how much will a large hog weigh?" + +"Jump into the scales," was the reply, "and I'll tell you in a minute!" + +The mathematician "had him there!" + + + + +SCOTTISH THEATRICALS. + + +A COMPANY of performers announced in their bills the opening of a +theatre at Montrose, with the Farce of _The Devil to Pay_, to be +followed with the Comedy of _The West Indian_. Adverse winds, however, +prevented the arrival of their scenes from Aberdeen, in time for +representation, on the evening appointed. It was therefore found +necessary to give notice of the postponement of the performance, which +was thus delivered by the town-crier: + +"O yes! O yes! O yes! this is to let you to wit, that the play-ackers +havena' got their screens up yet frae Aberdeen, and so canna begin the +night; but on Monday night, God willing, there will be _the Deevil to +pay in the West Indies_." + + + + +THE CUNNING FOOL. + + +A GENTLEMAN had a son who was deemed an idiot. The little fellow, when +nine or ten years of age, was fond of drumming, and once dropt his +drum-stick into the draw-well. He knew that his carelessness would be +punished by its not being searched for, and therefore did not mention +his loss, but privately took a large silver punch-ladle, and dropped it +into the same well. Strict inquiry took place; the servants all pleaded +ignorance, and looked with suspicion on each other; when the young +gentleman, who had thrust himself into the circle, said he had observed +something shine at the bottom of the draw-well. A fellow was dropt down +in the bucket, and soon bawled out from the bottom, "I have found the +punch-ladle, so wind me up." "Stop," roared out the lad, "stop, _now +your hand's in, you may as well bring up my drum-stick_." + + + + +THE DEAN INSTRUCTED. + + +A GENTLEMAN having sent a turbot as a present to Swift, the servant who +carried it entered the doctor's study abruptly, and laying down the +fish, said, "Master has sent you this turbot." "Heyday! young man," +exclaimed the Dean, "is this the way you behave yourself? Let me teach +you better. Sit down on this chair, and I will show you how to deliver +such a message." The boy sat down, and the Dean going to the door, with +the fish in his hand, came up to the table, and making a low bow, said, +"Sir, my master presents his kind compliments, and begs your acceptance +of this turbot." "Does he?" answered the boy, assuming all the +consequence of his situation. "Here, John! (_ringing_,) take this honest +lad down to the kitchen, and let him have as much as he can eat and +drink; then send him up to me, and I'll give him half a crown." + + + + +ADVICE. + + +A GENTLEMAN, who used to frequent the Chapter Coffee-house, being +unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning +his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of +the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for +such a complaint? "I'll tell you," said the doctor, "you should _take +advice_." + + + + +MIRACLE OF MIRACLES. + + +THE author of the life of St. Francis Xavier, asserts, that "by one +sermon he converted _ten thousand persons_ in a _desert_ island." + + + + +CREDAT JUDAEUS APELLA, NON EGO. + + +A GENTLEMAN, talking of the tenacity of life in turtles, asserted that +he had himself seen the head of one, which had been cut off three weeks, +open its jaws. The circle around did not exactly contradict him, but +exhibited expressive appearances of incredulity. The historian referred +himself to a stranger, whose polite attention to the tale flattered him +that it had received his full credence, which was corroborated by the +other observing that he had himself seen strong instances of the +turtle's tenaciousness of life. The stranger answered, "Your account is +a very extraordinary one; could you have believed it if you had not seen +it yourself?" The narrator readily answered, "No." "Then," replied the +other, to his infinite mortification, and the gratification of the +company, "I hope you will pardon me if I do not believe it." + + + + +WARNING. + + +A SERVANT telling her master that she was going to give her mistress +warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night, he exclaimed +with a sigh, "Happy girl! I wish I could give her warning too!" + + + + +IRISH RECRUITING. + + +A SERJEANT enlisted a recruit, who on inspection turned out to be a +woman. Being asked by his officer how he made such a blunder, he said, +"Plase your honor I could not help it; I enlisted this _girl_ for a +_man_, and _he_ turns out to be a _woman_." + + + + +SCENE IN A POLICE OFFICE. + + +THE prisoner in this case, whose name was Dickey Swivel, alias "Stove +Pipe Pete," was placed at the bar, and questioned by the Judge to the +following effect: + +_Judge_: Bring the prisoner into court. + +_Pete_: Here I am, bound to blaze, as the spirits of turpentine said, +when he was all a fire. + +_Judge_: We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live? + +_Pete_: I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked if he'd +be roasted or fried. + +_Judge_: We don't want to know what the oyster said or the turpentine +either. What do you follow? + +_Pete_: Anything that comes in my way, as the engine said when he run +over a little nigger. + +_Judge_: Don't care anything about the locomotive. What's your business? + +_Pete_: That's various, as the cat said when she stole the chicken off +the table. + +_Judge_: If I hear any more absurd comparisons, I will give you twelve +months. + +_Pete_: I am done, as the beef steak said to the cook. + +_Judge_: Now, Sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness and +correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going around the +docks? + +_Pete_: No, Sir. I can't go around docks without a boat, and I hain't +got none. + +_Judge_: Answer me now, Sir. How do you get your bread? + +_Pete_: Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters. + +_Judge_: No more of your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself? + +_Pete_: Sometimes on my legs, and sometimes on a cheer, (chair.) + +_Judge_: How do you keep yourself alive? + +_Pete_: By breathing, Sir. + +_Judge_: I order you to answer this question correctly. How do you do? + +_Pete_: Pretty well, thank you, Judge. How do _you_ do? + +_Judge_: I shall have to commit you. + +_Pete_: Well, you have committed yourself first, that's some +consolation. + + + + +CHEAP TRAVELING. + + +A YOUTH of more vanity than talent, bragging that during his travels he +never troubled his father for remittances, and being asked how he lived +on the road, answered, "_By my wits._" "Then," replied his friend, "you +must have traveled _very cheaply_." + + + + +NAUTICAL POLEMICS. + + +TWO sailors on board of a man of war had a sort of religious dispute +over their grog, in which one of them referred to the _apostle Paul_. +"He was no apostle," said the other; and this minor question, after much +altercation, they agreed to refer to the boatswain's mate, who after +some consideration declared "that Paul was certainly never _rated_ as an +apostle on the books, because he is not in the list, which consisted +only of twelve; but then he was an _acting apostle_." + + + + +THE BEST CUSTOMERS. + + +DR. RADCLIFF and Dr. Case being together in a jovial company over their +bottle, the former, filling his glass, said, "Come, brother Case, here's +to all the fools that are your patients." "I thank you, my wise brother +Radcliff," answered Case, "let me have all the fools, and you are +heartily welcome to all the rest of the practice." + + + + +A WEST INDIA LEGISLATOR. + + +IN the Jamaica House of Assembly, a motion being made for leave to bring +in a bill to prevent the frauds of wharfingers, Mr. Paul Phipps, member +for St. Andrew, rose and said, "Mr. Speaker, I second the motion; the +wharfingers are to a man a set of rogues; I know it well; _I was one +myself for ten years_." + + + + +THY OWN MOUTH SHALL CONDEMN THEE. + + +A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable country company for an +engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable +of all the first line of business; but as to himself, he was _the worst +actor in the world_. They were engaged, and the lady answered the +character given of her. The husband having had the part of a mere +walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, asked the manager, +indignantly, how he could put him into so paltry a part. "Sir," answered +the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you are the worst +actor in the world." "True," replied the other, "but then I had not seen +you." + + + + +AVOID ALL OFFENCE. + + +DURING the riots of 1780, when most persons, to save their houses, wrote +on their doors, _No popery_, Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, chalked up +on his, _No religion_. + + + + +A LIBERAL PRICE. + + +LOUIS XI. in his youth used to visit a peasant, whose garden produced +excellent fruit. When he ascended the throne, his friend presented him a +turnip of extraordinary size. The king smiled, and remembering his past +pleasures, ordered a thousand crowns to the peasant. The lord of the +village hearing of this liberality, thus argued with himself: "If this +fellow get a thousand crowns for his turnip, I have only to present a +capital horse to the munificent monarch, and my fortune is made." +Accordingly he carries to court a beautiful barb, and requests his +majesty's acceptance of it. Louis highly praised the steed, and the +donor's expectation was raised to the highest, when the king called out, +"Bring me my turnip!" and presenting it to the seigneur, added, "This +turnip cost me a thousand crowns, and I give it you for your horse." + + + + +A PRECEDENT. + + +IN a trial in the King's Bench, Mr. Erskine, counsel for the defendant, +was charged by his opponent with traveling out of his way. Mr. Erskine +in answer said, it reminded him of the celebrated Whitefield, who being +accused by some of his audience of rambling in his discourse, answered, +"If you will ramble to the devil, I must ramble after you." + + + + +A CONVENIENT NAP. + + +AN Oxford scholar, calling early one morning on another, when in bed, +says, + +"Jack, are you asleep?" + +"Why?" + +"Because, I want to borrow half a crown of you." + +"Then I am asleep." + + + + +LITERARY CORRESPONDENCE. + + +DR. JOHNSON, about the end of the year 1754, completed the copy of his +dictionary, not more to his own satisfaction, than that of Mr. Millar, +his bookseller, who, on receiving the concluding sheet, sent him the +following note: + +"Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the +money for the last sheet of the copy of the dictionary, and thanks God +he has done with him." + +To which, the lexicographer returned the following answer: + +"Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is +very glad to find, as he does by his note, that Andrew Millar has the +grace to thank God for anything." + + + + +A PROPER ADDRESS. + + +THE keeper of a mad-house, in a village near London, published an +address in a newspaper, inviting customers, and commencing with, "Worthy +the attention of the insane!" + + + + +A DEBT OF HONOR. + + +MOODY, the actor, was robbed of his watch and money. He begged the +highwayman to let him have cash enough to carry him to town, and the +fellow said, "Well, master Moody, as I know you, I'll lend you half a +guinea; but, remember, honor among thieves!" A few days after, he was +taken, and Moody hearing that he was at the Brown Bear, in Bow street, +went to enquire after his watch; but when he began to speak of it, the +fellow exclaimed, "Is that what you want? I thought you had come to pay +the half guinea you borrowed of me." + + + + +A RELIC. + + +A STUDENT, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, among other things +produced a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is the sword with which Balaam +was going to kill his ass." "I thought," said one of the company, "that +Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one." "You are right, sir," +replied the student, nowise abashed, "this is the very sword he wished +for." + + + + +STUPIDITY PERSONIFIED. + + +M. BOURET, a French farmer-general, of immense fortune, _but stupid to a +proverb_, being one day present, when two noblemen were engaged, in a +party, at piquet, one of them happening to play a wrong card, exclaimed, +"Oh, what a Bouret I am!" Offended at this liberty, Bouret said +instantly, "Sir, you are an ass." "_The very thing I meant_," replied +the other. + + + + +THE DIFFICULTY SURMOUNTED. + + +EXECUTIONS not being very frequent in Sweden there are a great number of +towns in that country without an executioner. In one of these a criminal +was sentenced to be hanged which occasioned some little embarrassment, +as it obliged them to bring a hangman from a distance at a considerable +expense, besides the customary fee of two crowns. A young tradesman, +belonging to the city council, giving his sentiments, said, "I think, +gentlemen, we had best give the malefactor the two crowns, and let him +go and be hanged where he pleases." + + + + +HUMOROUS MISTAKES. + + +THE humors of the telegraph are very amusing. A year or so since, the +agent of the Delaware and Hudson Freighting Line, at Honesdale, +Pennsylvania, sent the following dispatch to the agent at New York: + +"D. Horton--Dear Sir: Please send me a shipping-book for 1859." + +The dispatch received, read as follows: + +"D. Horton:--Please send me a shipping-box eighteen feet by nine." + +The following might have been more disastrous in its results; the same +parties were concerned. Mr. Horton wrote to the proprietor of the line +that he had been subpoenaed on a trial to be held in the Supreme Court +of New York, and that as navigation was about to open, it would be +necessary to send a man to perform his office duties. The following +reply was entrusted to the tender care of the telegraph wire: + +"See the Judge at once and get excused. I cannot send a man in your +place." + +When received, it read as follows: + +"See the Judge at once and get executed; I can send a man in your +place." + +Mr. H. claims on the margin of the dispatch a stay of execution. + +Not long since a gentleman telegraphed to a friend at Cleveland an +interesting family affair, as follows: + +"Sarah and little one are doing well." + +The telegraph reached its destination, when it read thus: + +"Sarah and litter are doing well." + +The recipient telegraphed back the following startling query: + +"For Heaven's sake, how many?" + + + + +SLEEPING IN CHURCH. + + +A CLERGYMAN observed in his sermon, that this was unpardonable, as +people did it with their _eyes open_. Wrapt up in the admiration of his +own discourse, he did not observe that from its tediousness his audience +one by one had slipped away, until there only remained a natural. +Lifting up his eyes, he exclaimed, "What! All gone, except this poor +idiot!" "Aye," says the lad, "and _if I had not been a poor idiot I had +been gone too_." + + + + +ECONOMY. + + +A LADY asked her butler how she might best save a barrel of excellent +small beer; he answered, "By placing a cask of strong beer by it." + + + + +A CONSTELLATION OF BULLS. + +A letter written during the Irish rebellion. + + +_My dear Sir_:--Having now a little _peace and quietness_, I sit down to +inform you of a dreadful _bustle and confusion_ we are in from these +blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, however, thank God, _killed or +dispersed_. + +We are in a pretty _mess_; can get _nothing to eat_, nor any _wine_ to +drink, _except whiskey_; and when we _sit down_ to dinner, we are +obliged to _stand_ with arms in both hands: _whilst I write this letter, +I hold a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded_, from +the _beginning_, that this would be the _end_ of it; and I see I was +right, for _it is not half over yet_. At present there is such _goings +on_, that every thing is _at a stand_. + +I should have answered your letter _a fortnight ago_, but _it only came +this morning_. Indeed, hardly a mail arrives _safe_, without being +_robbed_. Yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin was _robbed_ +near this town: but the _bags_ had been judiciously _left behind_, for +fear of accidents; and by good luck there was nobody _in the coach_, +except _two outside_ passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to +take. + +Last Thursday an alarm was given, that a gang of rebels were advancing +hither, under the French _standard_; but they had no _colors_, nor any +_drums_ except _bagpipes_. Immediately every _man_ in the place, +including _women and children_, ran out to meet them. We soon found our +force _much too little_; and they were _far_ too _near_ for us to think +of retreating; so to it we went: _death_ was _in every face_; but by the +time _half_ our little party was _killed_, we began to be _all alive_. +The rebels fortunately had no _guns_, except _cutlasses and pikes_; and +as we had plenty of _muskets and ammunition_, we put them all to the +_sword_: not a soul of them _escaped_, except some that were _drowned_ +in the adjoining bog; and in a very short time nothing was to be _heard_ +but _silence_. Their _uniforms_ were _all_ of _different shapes_ and +_colours_--in general they were green. After the action we rummaged +their camp; all we found was a few _pikes without heads_, a parcel of +_empty bottles full_ of water, and a bundle of _blank_ French +commissions _filled up_ with Irishmen's names. + +Troops are now stationed every where _round_ the country, which exactly +_squares_ with my ideas. Nothing, however, can save us but a union, +which would turn our _barren hills_ into fruitful _valleys_. I have only +_leisure_ to add, that I am in _great haste_. + +Yours truly, +J. B. + +P. S. If you do not _receive this in course_, it must have _miscarried_, +therefore _write_ immediately to _let me know_. + + + + +THE LOGICIAN REWARDED. + + +A FARMER'S son, who had been bred at the university, coming home to +visit his parents, a couple of chickens were brought to the table for +supper. "I can prove," said he, "by logic, that these two chickens are +three." "Well, let us hear," said the old man. "This," cried the +scholar, "is one; and this is two; one and two make three." "Very good," +replied the father, "your mother shall have the first chicken, I will +have the second, and you, for your great learning, shall have the +third." + + + + +DOUBLE PUNISHMENT. + + +THE captain of the Magnanime found it necessary one day to order a negro +on board a flogging. Being tied up, the captain harangued him on his +offence. Quaco, naked and shivering in the month of December, exclaimed, +"Massa! if you preachee, preachee; if you floggee, floggee; but no +preachee and floggee too." + + + + +REASON AND A PROVERB EXPLAINED. + + +IN a party of wits an argument took place as to the definition of a +reasonable animal. Speech was principally contended for; but on this Dr. +Johnson observed, that parrots and magpies speak; were they therefore +rational? "Women," he added, "we know, are rational animals; but would +they be less so if they spoke less?" Jamie Boswell contended that +cookery was the criterion of reason; for that no animal but man did +cook. "That," observed Burke, "explains to me a proverb, which I never +before could understand--_There is reason in the roasting of eggs_." + + + + +A GENERAL COMPLAINT. + + +THE lieutenant colonel of one of the Irish regiments in the French +service being dispatched from Fort Keil by the Duke of Berwick to the +King of France, with a complaint of some irregularities that had +occurred in that regiment, his majesty observed passionately, that the +Irish troops gave him more trouble than all his forces besides. "Sir," +said the officer, "all your majesty's enemies make the same complaint." + + + + +COOLNESS IN ACTION. + + +IN the action off Camperdown, Admiral de Winter asked one of his +lieutenants for a quid of tobacco. In the act of presenting it, the +lieutenant was carried off by a cannon-ball. "I must be obliged to _you_ +then," said the admiral, turning to another officer, "for you see our +friend is gone away with his tobacco box." + + + + +A CAUTION. + + +A TRAVELER coming into an inn in a very cold night, stood rather too +close before the kitchen fire. A rogue in the chimney corner told him, +"Sir, you'll burn your spurs." "My boots, you mean," said the gentleman. +"No, Sir," replied the other, "they are burnt already." + + + + +IMPROVEMENT. + + +A FRENCH marquis boasted of the inventive genius of his nation, +especially in matters of dress and fashion; "For instance," said he, +"the ruffle, that fine ornament of the hand, which has been followed by +all other nations." "True," answered the Englishman, "but we generally +improve on your inventions; for example, _in adding the shirt to the +ruffle_." + + + + +AN AMENDMENT. + + +AT the time of the jubilee, 1809, a meeting was held of the felons in +Newgate to pray his majesty for their pardon and liberation on the +auspicious occasion. One of them observed, that it would be better, for +them and their successors, to petition that all felonies be tried in the +_Court of Chancery_. + + + + +THE LEARNED DOG. + + +FRANK SIMS, the theatrical registrar, had a dog named Bob, and a +sagacious dog he was; but he was a pusillanimous dog, in a word, an +arrant coward, and above all things he dreaded the fire of a gun. His +master having taken him once to the enclosed part of Hyde Park next to +Kensington Gardens, when the guards were exercising, their first fire so +alarmed Bob that he scampered off, and never after could be prevailed on +to enter that ground. One day he followed his master cordially till he +arrived at its entrance, where a board is placed, with this inscription: +"Do shoot all dogs _who_ shall be found within this inclosure;" when +immediately he turned tail, and went off as fast as his legs could carry +him. A French gentleman, surprised at the animal's rapid retreat, +politely asked Mr. Sims what could be the cause. "Don't you see," said +Sims, "what is written on the board?" to the utter astonishment of the +Frenchman, who had never before seen a dog that could read. + + + + +CAUSE OF BULLS. + + +SIR RICHARD STEELE, being asked why his countrymen were so addicted to +making bulls, said, he believed there must be something in the air of +Ireland, adding, "I dare say, _if an Englishman were born there_ he +would do the same." + + + + +MOT-MALIN. + + +A NOTED miser boasted that he had lost five shillings without uttering a +single complaint. "I am not at all surprised at that," said a wit, +"_extreme sorrow is mute_." + + + + +AS THE FOOL THINKS THE BELL CLINKS. + + +A WIDOW, desirous of marrying her servant John, consulted the curate on +the subject. + +"I am not yet beyond the age of marriage." + +"Marry then." + +"But people will say that my intended is too young for me." + +"Don't marry." + +"He would assist me in managing the business." + +"Marry then." + +"But I am afraid he would soon despise me." + +"Don't marry." + +"But on the other hand a poor widow is despised who has no protector." + +"Marry then." + +"I am sadly afraid, however, that he would take up with the wenches." + +"Then don't marry." + +Uncertain from these contradictory responses, the dame consulted the +bells when ringing, and which seemed to repeat, "Marry your man John." +She took this oracular advice, married, and soon repented. She again +applied to the curate, who told her, "You have not observed well what +the bells said; listen again." She did so, when they distinctly +repeated, "Don't marry John." + + + + +A DOUBLE ENTENDRE. + + +A GENTLEMAN inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl who +showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No," +answered she, "I am to be let--_alone_." + + + + +REASON ON BOTH SIDES. + + +CHARLES II. asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached +in general without book, but always read the sermons which he delivered +before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before him +so great and wise a prince made him afraid to trust himself. "But will +your majesty," continued he, "permit me to ask you a question in my +turn? Why do you read your speeches to parliament?" "Why doctor," +replied the king, "I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so +often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face." + + + + +SELF TAUGHT GENIUS. + + +IN a company of artists, the conversation turned on the subject, whether +self-taught men could arrive at the perfection of genius combined with +instruction. A German musician maintained the affirmative, and gave +himself as an example. "I have," said he, "made a fiddle, which turns +out as good as any Cremona I ever drew a bow over, all _out of my own +head_; aye, and I have got _wood enough left to make another_." + + + + +AN ARTFUL REQUEST. + + +A GENTLEMAN traveling from Paris to Calais, was accosted by a man +walking along, who begged the favor of him to let him put his great coat +in his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman, "but if we +should be going different ways, how will you get your great coat?" +"Sir," answered the other, with apparent _naivete_, "I shall be in it." + + + + +A FELONY. + + +A YOUNG gentleman, a clerk in the Treasury, used every morning, as he +came from his lady mother's to the office, to pass by the canal in the +Green Park, and feed the ducks then kept there, with bread and corn, +which he carried in his pocket for the purpose. One day, having called +his grateful friends, the _ducky, ducky, duckies_, he found +unfortunately that he had forgotten them. "Poor duckies!" he cried, "I +am sorry I have not brought your allowance, _but here is sixpence for +you to buy some_," and threw in a sixpence, which one of them caught and +gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to the other +gentlemen there, with whom he was to dine next day. One of the party +putting the landlord up to the story, desired him to have ducks at the +table, and put a sixpence in the body of one of them, which was taken +care to be placed before our hero. On cutting it up, and discovering the +sixpence in its belly, he ordered the waiter to send up his master, whom +he loaded with the epithets of rascal and scoundrel, swearing that he +would have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his ducks; "For," said +he, "gentlemen, I assure you, on my honor, that yesterday morning, _I +gave this sixpence to one of the ducks in the Green Park_."' + + + + +CONVINCING EVIDENCE. + + +A CERTAIN clergyman having been examined as a witness in the King's +Bench, the adverse counsel, by way of brow-beating, said, "If I be not +mistaken, you are known as the _bruising parson_." "I am," said the +divine, "and if you doubt it I will give it you _under my hand_." + + + + +TOO BAD. + + +A MAN who was sentenced to be hung was visited by his wife, who said: +"My dear, would you like the children to see you executed?" "No," +replied he. "That's just like you," said she, "for you never wanted the +children to have any enjoyment." + + + + +PARLIAMENTARY BULL. + + +IN the Irish Bank-bill, passed in June 1808, there is a clause, +providing, that the profits shall be _equally_ divided; and the _residue +go to the Governor_. + + + + +ANOTHER. + + +IN a bill for pulling down the old Newgate in Dublin, and rebuilding it +on the same spot, it was enacted, that the prisoners should remain in +the _old jail_ till the new one was completed. + + + + +CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON. + + +THE deeds themselves, though _mute_, _spoke loud_ the doer. + + + + +ANOTHER. SHAKSPEARE. + + + I WILL strive with things impossible, + Yea, _get the better of them_. + + + + +ANOTHER. DR. JOHNSON. + + + TURN from the glittering bribe your scornful eye, + Nor sell for gold _what gold can never buy_. + + + + +CLASSICAL BULL. DR. JOHNSON. + + +EVERY monumental inscription should be in Latin; for that being a _dead_ +language, it will always _live_. + + + + +ANOTHER. _Ibid._ + + + NOR yet perceived the vital spirit fled, + But still fought on, _nor knew that he was dead_. + + + + +ANOTHER. _Ibid._ + + +SHAKSPEARE has not only _shown_ human nature as it is, but as it would +be found _in situations to which it cannot be exposed_. + + + + +ANOTHER. _Ibid._ + + +THESE observations were made _by favor of a contrary wind_. + + + + +ANOTHER. DRYDEN. + + + A HORRID _silence_ first _invades the ear_. + + + + +ANOTHER. POPE. + + + WHEN first young Maro, in his noble mind, + A work _t'outlast immortal Rome designed_. + + + + +DEPRAVITY OF THE AGE. + + +AN itinerant clergyman preaching on this subject, said that little +children, _who could neither speak nor walk_, were to be seen _running +about the street, cursing and swearing_. + + + + +THE SIGNAL. + + +A MONK having intruded into the chamber of a nobleman, who was at the +point of death, and had lost his speech, continued crying out, "My lord, +will you make the grant of such and such a thing to our monastery? It +will be for the good of your soul." The peer, at each question, nodded +his head. The monk, on this, turned round to the son and heir, who was +in the room: "You see, sir, my lord, your father, gives his assent to my +request." To this, the son made no reply; but turning to his father, +asked him, "Is it your will, sir, that I kick this monk down stairs?" +The nod of assent was given, and the permission put in force with hearty +good will. + + + + +A LONG BOW. + + +A DEALER in the marvellous was a constant frequenter of a house in +Lambeth-walk, where he never failed to entertain the company with his +miraculous tales. A bet was laid, that he would be surpassed by a +certain actor, who, telling the following story, the palm was not only +given to him by the company, but the story teller, ashamed, deserted the +house: + +"Gentlemen," said the actor, "when I was a lad, at sea, as we lay in the +Bay of Messina, in a moonlight night, and perfectly calm, I heard a +little splashing, and looking over the ship's bow, I saw, as I thought, +a man's head, and to my utter surprise, there arose out of the water a +man, extremely well-dressed, with his hair highly powdered, white silk +stockings, and diamond buckles, his garment being embroidered with the +most brilliant scales. He walked up the cable with the ease and +elegance of a Richer. Stepping on deck, he addressed me in English, +thus: 'Pray, young man, is the captain on board?' I, with my hair +standing on end, answered, 'Yes, sir.' At this moment, the captain, +overhearing our conversation, came on deck, and received the visitor +very courteously, and without any apparent surprise. Asking his +commands, the stranger said, 'I am one of the submarine inhabitants of +this neighborhood. I had, this evening, taken my family to a ball, but +on returning to my house, I found the fluke of your anchor jammed so +close up to my street door, that we could not get in. I am come +therefore, to entreat you, sir, to weigh anchor, so that we may get in, +as my wife and daughters are waiting in their carriage, in the street.' +The captain readily granted the request of his aquatic visitor, who took +his leave with much urbanity, and the captain returned to bed." + + + + +GOOD HUMOR RESTORED. + + +ONE evening, at the Haymarket theatre, the farce of the _Lying Valet_ +was to be performed, _Sharp_, by Mr. Shuter; but that comedian being +absent, an apology was made, and it was announced that the part would be +undertaken by Mr. Weston, whose transcendent comic powers were not then +sufficiently appreciated. Coming on with Mrs. Gardner, in the part of +_Kitty Pry_, there was a tumultuous call of "Shuter! Shuter!" but Tom +put them all in good temper, by asking, with irresistibly quaint humor, +"Why should I _shoot her_? She plays her part very well." + + + + +THE REVERSE. + + +THE Abbe Tegnier, secretary to the French academy, one day made a +collection of a pistole a head from the members, for some general +expense. Not observing that the President Rose, who was very penurious, +had put his money in the hat, he presented it to him a second time. M. +Rose assured him that he had put in his pistole. "I believe it," said +the Abbe, "though I did not see it." "And I," said Fontenelle, "saw it, +and could not believe it." + + + + +STERLING COMPOSITION. + + +AT a party of noblemen of wit and genius, it was proposed to try their +skill in composition, each writing a sentence on whatsoever subject he +thought proper, and the decision was left to Dryden, who formed one of +the company. The poet having read them all, said, "There are here +abundance of fine things, and such as do honor to the noble writers, but +I am under the indispensable necessity of giving the palm to my lord +Dorset; and when I have read it, I am convinced your lordships will all +be satisfied with my judgment--these are the inimitable words: + +"'I promise to pay to John Dryden, on order, the sum of five hundred +pounds. + +DORSET.'" + + + + +A CARD PUN. + + +A BUTCHER'S boy, running against a gentleman with his tray, made him +exclaim, "The _deuce_ take the _tray_!" "Sir," said the lad, "the _deuce +can't take the tray_." + + + + +A WHIMSICAL IDEA. + + +THE late Sir Thomas Robinson was a tall, uncouth figure, and his +appearance was still more grotesque, from his hunting-dress: a +postilion's cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. Being at +Paris, and going in this habit to visit his sister, who was married, and +settled there, he arrived when there was a large company at dinner. The +servant announced M. Robinson, and he entered, to the great amazement of +the guests. Among others, an Abbe thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, +and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable longer +to restrain his curiosity, he burst out with, "Excuse me, Sir, are you +the _Robinson Crusoe_ so famous in history?" + + + + +AN IRISH SOLDIER'S QUARTERS. + + +TWO Irish soldiers being stationed in a borough in the west of England, +got into a conversation respecting their quarters. "How," said the one, +"are you quartered?" "Pretty well." "What part of the house do you sleep +in?" "Upstairs." "In the garret, perhaps?" "The garret! no, Dennis +O'Brien would never sleep in the garret." "Where then?" "Why, I know not +what you call it; but if the house were turned topsy turvy, I should be +in the cellar." + + + + +THAT'S SO. + + +A DISTINGUISHED wag about town says, the head coverings the ladies wear +now-a-days, are barefaced false hoods. The perpetrator of this is still +at large. + + + + +A MARSHAL HUMBLED. + + +A FRENCH Field Marshal who had attained that rank by court favour, not +by valour, received from a lady the present of a drum, with this +inscription--"_made to be beaten_." + +The same _hero_, going one evening to the Opera, forcibly took +possession of the box of a respectable Abbe, who for this outrage +brought a suit in a court of honour, established for such cases under +the old government. The Abbe thus addressed the court: "I come not here +to complain of Admiral Suffrein, who took so many ships in the East +Indies. I come not to complain of Count de Grasse, who fought so nobly +in the West; I come not to complain of the Duke de Crebillon, who took +Minorca; but I come to complain of the Marshal B----, who _took my box_ +at the Opera, and _never took any thing else_." The court paid him the +high compliment of refusing his suit, declaring that he had himself +inflicted sufficient punishment. + + + + +A COURTLY COMPLIMENT. + + +A FRENCH officer, just arrived, and introduced to the Court at Vienna, +the Empress told him she heard he had in his travels visited a lady +renowned for her beauty; and asked if it was true that she was the most +handsome princess of her time. The courtier answered, "_I thought so +yesterday._" + + + + +A CONGRATULATION. + + +AT a circuit dinner, a counsellor observed to another, "I shall +certainly hang your client." His friend answered, "I give you joy of +your new office." + + + + +ALGERINE WIT. + + +A FRENCHMAN, taken into slavery by an Algerine, was asked what he could +do. His answer was, that he had been used to a _sedentary_ employment. +"Well, then," said the pirate, "you shall have a pair of feather +breeches, to sit and hatch chickens." + + + + +A ROYAL DECISION. + + +THE Princess of Prussia, having ordered some silks from Lyons, they were +stopped for duties by an excise officer, whom she ordered to attend her +with the silks, and receive his demand. On his entrance into her +apartment, the princess flew at the officer, and seizing the +merchandise, gave him two or three hearty cuffs on the face. The +mortified exciseman complained to the king in a memorial, to which his +majesty returned the following answer: + +"The loss of the duties belonging to my account, the silks are to remain +in the possession of the princess, and the cuffs with the receiver. As +to the alleged dishonor, I cancel the same, at the request of the +complainant; but it is, of itself, null; for the white hand of a fair +lady cannot possibly dishonor the face of an exciseman. + +FREDERICK." + +_Berlin, Nov. 30th, 1778._ + + + + +FELLOW FEELING. + + +A LADY'S favorite dog having bitten a piece out of a male visitor's leg, +she exclaimed, "Poor dear little creature! _I hope it will not make him +sick._" + + + + +UNREASONABLE FASTING. + + +TWO gentlemen, wishing to go into a tavern on one of the national +fast-days, found the door shut; and on their knocking, the waiter told +them from within, that his master would allow no one to enter during +service on the fast-day. "Your master," said one of them, "might be +contented _to fast himself_, without making his _doors fast too_." + + + + +A WHIMSICAL IDEA. + + +A NOBLE lord asked a clergyman at the foot of his table, why, if there +was a goose at dinner, it was always placed next the parson. "Really," +said he, "I can give no reason for it; but your question is so odd, that +I shall never after see a _goose_ without thinking of your lordship." + + + + +THE BREECHES-MAKER CAPTAIN. + + +A CAPTAIN in a volunteer corps, drilling his company, had occasion to +desire one of the gentlemen to step farther out in marching. The order +not being attended to, was repeated in a peremptory tone, when the +private exclaimed, "I cannot, captain, _you have made my breeches too +tight_." + + + + +TIT FOR TAT. + + +TWO contractors, who had made large fortunes, had a quarrel. One of +them, in the midst of the altercation, asked the other contemptuously, +"Do you remember, Sir, when you were my footman?" The other answered, "I +do; and had you been my footman, you would have been a footman still." + + + + +SOUND ARGUMENT. + + +A SAILOR being about to set out for India, a citizen asked him: + +"Where did your father die?" + +"In shipwreck." + +"And where did your grandfather die?" + +"As he was fishing, a storm arose, and the bark foundering, all on board +perished." + +"And your great-grandfather?" + +"He also perished on board a ship which struck on a rock." + +"Then," said the citizen, "if I were you, _I would never go to sea_." + +"And pray, Mr. Philosopher," observed the seaman, "where did your father +die?" + +"In his bed." + +"And your grandfather?" + +"In his bed." + +"And your great-grandfather?" + +"He and all my ancestors died quietly in their beds." + +"Then, if I were you, _I would never go to bed_." + + + + +INGRATITUDE. + + +WHEN the _School for Scandal_ was first performed, Mr. Cumberland sat in +the front of the stage box with the most complete apathy; its wit and +humor never affected his risible muscles. This being reported to Mr. +Sheridan, he observed, "That was very ungrateful, for I am sure I +laughed heartily at his tragedy of _The Battle of Hastings_." + + + + +REASONS FOR DRAM-DRINKING. + + +A GENTLEMAN in a coffee-house called, "Waiter! bring me a glass of +brandy; I am very hot." Another, "Waiter! a glass of brandy; I am +devilish cold." Mr. Quin, "Waiter! give me a glass of brandy; because I +like it." + + + + +SMUGGLING. + + +A LADY asked a silly but conceited Scotch nobleman, how it happened that +the Scots who came out of their own country were in general of more +abilities than those who remained at home. "Madam," said he, "the reason +is obvious; at every outlet there are persons stationed to examine those +who pass, that for the honor of the country no one be permitted to leave +it who is not a person of understanding." "Then," said she, "I presume +your lordship was smuggled." + + + + +A MIS-UNDER-STANDING. + + +A GENTLEMAN desired his boot-maker, as he took measure, to observe +particularly that one of his legs was bigger than the other, and of +course to make one of his boots bigger than the other. When they were +brought home, trying the larger boot on the small leg, it went on +easily, but when he attempted the other, his foot stuck fast. "You are a +pretty tradesman," said he, "I ordered you to make one of the boots +_larger than the other_; and, instead of that, you have made one of them +_smaller than the other_." + + + + +THE DOUBLE BULL. + + +"HOW can you call these blackberries, when they are red?" "Don't you +know that _black_ berries are always _red_ when they are _green_?" + + + + +IRISH DREAMING. + + +WHEN General and Mrs. V. were in Dublin, they were perpetually teased by +an old woman whom they had relieved, but whose importunity had no +bounds; every time she could find an opportunity she had a fresh tale to +extract money from their pockets. One day as they were stepping into +their carriage, Molly accosted them: "Ah! good luck to your honor's +honor, and your ladyship's honor,--to be sure I was not dreaming of you +last night; I dreamt that your honor's honor gave me a pound of tobacco, +and her ladyship gave me a pound of taa." "Aye, my good woman," says the +general, "but you know dreams always go by contraries." "Do they so?" +replied she, "then it must be that your honor will give me the taa, and +her ladyship the tobacco." + + + + +THE PROVIDENT WIFE. + + +A TAILOR dying said to his wife, who was plunged in tears, "My dear, +don't let my death afflict you too much. I would recommend you to marry +Thomas, our foreman; he is a good lad and a clever workman, and would +assist you to carry on the trade." "My love," answered the disconsolate +dame, "make yourself easy on that score, for Tom and I have settled the +matter already." + + + + +THE COCKNEY'S BAGGAGE. + + +SUT LOVINGOOD sends the following to an exchange. A full-blooded Cockney +who is now taking notes on the United States, chanced to be on one of +our southern trains, when a "run off" took place, and a general mixing +up of things was the consequence. Cockney's first act, after +straightening out his collapsed hat, was to raise a terrible 'ubbub +about 'is baggage, and among other things, wanted to know, "hif +railroads hin Hamerika wasn't responsible for baggage stolen, smashed, +or missing?" + +"Well, yes," said the Tennessean addressed, "but it is a deuce of a job +to get your pay." + +"Why so?" + +"They will perhaps admit your claim, but then _they offer to fight you +for it_; that's a standing American rule. There is the man employed by +this road to _fight for baggage_," pointing to a huge bewhiskered +train-hand, who stood by with his sleeves rolled up, "I think, if my +memory serves me, he has fought for sixty-nine lots, _an' blamed if he +haint won 'em all_. They gave him the empty trunks for his pay, and he +is making a hundred dollars a month in selling trunks, valises, +carpet-bags, and satchels. Have you lost any baggage?" + +"No, no, not hat hall. Hi just hasked to learn your custom hin case hi +_did_ lose hany. Hi don't _think_ hi'll lose mine 'owever." + +Here the train-hand who overheard the talk, stepped up, and inquired, +"Have you lost anything?" + +"Ho no! ho no!" replied Cockney, with unusual energy. + +"Can't I sell you a trunk?" + +"Thank you, Sir. No, I think I have a supply." + +"Well, if you do either lose baggage or want to buy a trunk _already +marked_, deuced if I ain't the man to call on." + +It is needless to say that instead of raising Cain generally, as Cockney +had been doing, he betook him to zealously writing notes on American +customs during the remainder of the delay. Probably he indited something +fully equal to the _London Times_ Georgia railroad story. + + + + +EQUIVOQUE. + + +A SCHOLAR put his horse into a field belonging to Morton College, on +which the Master sent him a message, that if he continued his horse +there, he would cut off his tail. "Say you so!" answered the scholar, +"go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse's tail, I will cut off his +ears." This being delivered to the Master, he in a passion sent for the +scholar, who appearing before him, he said sternly, "How now, Sir, what +mean you by that menace you sent me?" "Sir," said the youth, "I menaced +you not; I only said, _if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut off +his ears_." + + + + +THE LOST FOUND. + + +A SERVANT being sent with half a dozen living partridges in a present, +had the curiosity to open the lid of the basket containing them, when +they all made their escape. He proceeded, however, with the letter: the +gentleman to whom it was addressed having read it, said, "I find _in +this letter_ half a dozen of partridges." "Do you, indeed?" cried Pat, +"I am glad you have _found them in the letter_, for they all _flew out +of the basket_." + + + + +A FILLIP TO A KING. + + +THE Earl of St. Albans was, like many other staunch loyalists, little +remembered by Charles II. He was, however, an attendant at court, and +one of his majesty's companions in his gay hours. On one such occasion, +a stranger came with an important suit for an office of great value, +just vacant. The king, by way of joke, desired the earl to personate +him, and ordered the petitioner to be admitted. The gentleman, +addressing himself to the supposed monarch, enumerated his services to +the royal family, and hoped the grant of the place would not be deemed +too great a reward. "By no means," answered the earl, "and I am only +sorry that as soon as I heard of the vacancy I conferred it upon my +faithful friend the Earl of St. Albans [pointing to the king], who has +constantly followed the fortunes both of my father and myself, and has +hitherto gone unrewarded." Charles granted for this joke what the utmost +real services looked for in vain. + + + + +A MERITED REWARD. + + +A PHYSICIAN, during his attendance on a man of letters, remarking that +the patient was very punctual in observing his regimen and taking his +prescriptions, exclaimed with exultation, "My dear sir, you really +_deserve to be ill_!" + + + + +COCKNEYISM. + + +A LONDONER told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of +_hair_. "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker's +shop_." + + + + +A STORY APPLIED. + + +MR. BALFOUR, a Scotch advocate of dry humour, but much pomposity, being +in a large company, where the convivial Earl of Kelly presided, was +requested to give a song, which he declined. Lord Kelly, with all the +despotism of a chairman, insisted that if he would not sing, he must +tell a story or drink a pint bumper of wine. Mr. Balfour, being an +abstemious man, would not submit to the latter alternative, but +consented to tell a story. "One day," said he, "a thief, prowling about, +passed a church, the door of which was invitingly open. Thinking that he +might even there find some prey, he entered, and was decamping with the +pulpit-cloth, when he found his exit interrupted, the doors having been +in the interim fastened. What was he to do to escape with his plunder? +He mounted the steeple, and let himself down by the bell-rope; but +scarcely had he reached the bottom when the consequent noise of the bell +brought together people, who seized him. As he was led off to prison he +addressed the bell, _as I now address your lordship_; said he, '_Had it +not been for your long tongue and your empty head I had made my +escape_.'" + + + + +AMOR PATRIAE. + + +A DISPUTE arose as to the site of Goldsmith's _Deserted Village_. An +Irish clergyman insisted that it was the little hamlet of Auburn, in the +county of Westmeath. One of the company observed that this was +improbable, as Dr. Goldsmith had never been in that part of the country. +"Why, gentlemen," exclaimed the parson, "was Milton in hell when he +wrote his _Paradise Lost_?" + + + + +A QUAKER JOKE. + + +A CORRESPONDENT sends the Buffalo Express the following good thing for +the hot weather: + +K----, the Quaker President of a Pennsylvania railroad, during the +confusion and panic last fall, called upon the W---- Bank, with which +the road had kept a large regular account, and asked for an extension of +a part of its paper falling due in a few days. The Bank President +declined rather abruptly, saying, in a tone common with that fraternity, + +"Mr. K., your paper _must be paid at maturity_. We _cannot renew it_." + +"Very well," our Quaker replied, and left the Bank. But he did not let +the matter drop here. On leaving the Bank, he walked quietly over to the +depot and telegraphed all the agents and conductors on the road, to +reject the bills on the W---- Bank. In a few hours the trains began to +arrive, full of panic, and bringing the news of distrust of the W---- +Bank all along the line of the road. Stock-holders and depositors +flocked into the Bank, making the panic, inquiring, + +"What is the matter?" + +"Is the Bank broke?" + +A little inquiry by the officers showed that the trouble originated in +the rejection of the bills by the railroad. The President seized his +hat, and rushed down to the Quaker's office, and came bustling in with +the inquiry: + +"Mr. K., have you directed the refusal of our currency by your agents?" + +"Yes," was the quiet reply. + +"Why is this? It will ruin us!" + +"Well, friend L., I supposed thy Bank was about to fail, as thee could +not renew a little paper for us this morning." + +It is needless to say Mr. L. renewed all the Quaker's paper, and +enlarged his line of discount, while the magic wires carried all along +the road to every agent the sedative message, + +"The W---- Bank is all right. Thee may take its currency." + + + + +A ROYAL PHYSICIAN. + + +HENRY VIII. hunting in Windsor Forest, struck down about dinner to the +abbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the Royal Guards, +he was invited to the abbot's table. A sirloin was set before him, on +which he laid to as lustily as any _beef-eater_. "Well fare thy heart," +quoth the abbot, "and here in a cup of sack I remember the health of his +grace your master. I would give a hundred pounds that I could feed on +beef as heartily as you do. Alas! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely +digest the wing of a chicken." The king heartily pledged him, thanked +him for his good cheer, and departed undiscovered. Shortly after, the +abbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and fed on bread and +water, ignorant of the cause, and terrified at his situation. At last, a +sirloin of beef was set before him, on which his empty stomach made him +feed voraciously. "My lord!" exclaimed the king entering from a private +closet, "instantly deposit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. I +have been your physician, and here, as I deserve it, I demand my fee." + + + + +A SELFISH PUN. + + +A CERTAIN tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to +his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighboring oyster-monger, +as being ungenerous and _selfish_; "and why," said he, "would you not +have me _sell-fish_?" + + + + +SYMPATHY. + + +A GOOD deacon making an official visit to a dying neighbor, who was a +very churlish and universally unpopular man, put the usual +question--"Are you willing to go, my friend?" + +"Oh, yes," said the sick man, "I am." + +"Well," said the simple minded deacon, "I am glad you are, for _all the +neighbors are willing_!" + + + + +MATERNAL ADVICE. + + +A NOBLE Lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his +mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, +and his drink water. "What! Madam," said he, "would you have me to +imitate a man, who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish_!" + + + + +PROVERBS APPLIED. + + +A "FAT and greasy citizen," having made a ridiculous motion in the +Common Council, observed afterwards at a select _dinner party_, (or +rather _party dinner_,) that he was afraid he should be _hauled over the +coals_ for it. An alderman present observed, "_Then all the fat would be +in the fire._" + + + + +PROOF OF YORKSHIRE. + + +A LAD, seeing a gentleman in a public house eating eggs, said, + +"Be so good, Sir, as give me a little salt." + +"Salt, for what?" + +"Perhaps, Sir, you'll ask me to eat an egg, and I should like to be +ready." + +"What country are you from, my lad?" + +"I's Yorkshire, Sir." + +"I thought so--Well, there take your egg." + +"Thank you, Sir." + +"Well, they are great horse-stealers in your country are not they?" + +"Yes; my father, though an honest man, would think no more of taking a +horse, than I would of drinking your glass of ale," _taking it off_. + +"Yes, I see you are Yorkshire." + + + + +SCOTCH WEATHER. + + +ON a very wet day in the west of Scotland, a traveler, who had been +detained a week by bad weather, peevishly asked a native, if it always +rained in that country? He replied, drily, "No, it _snows sometimes_." + + + + +AN OBSERVATION EXEMPLIFIED. + + +A BOY on the stage danced very finely and obtained much applause. A +senior dancer enviously observed, that he never knew a clever boy turn +out a great man. The boy said, "Sir, you must have been a very clever +boy." + + + + +TIT FOR TAT. + + +DOBBS was up and doing, April Fool Day. A singular phenomenon was to be +seen in the vicinity of his place of business. Dobbs went home from his +store, the last evening in March, and while taking his tea, remarked to +his wife, that his colored porter had been blessed with an increase in +his family. + +"Why," said Mrs. D., "that makes nine!" + +"Exactly," said he; "but the singularity about this new comer, is, that +one half of its face is black." + +"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. D., "that is singular, indeed. How strange! +What can be the cause of such disfigurement?" + +"Can't say," replied Dobbs, "but it is a curiosity worth seeing, to say +the least of it." + +"So I should think," returned his better half. "I will go down in the +morning, and take such delicacies as the woman needs, and see the child +at the same time." + +Dobbs knew she would, so he went out to smoke a cigar, and the subject +was dropped for the evening. Next morning after he went to his store, +the kind-hearted woman made up a basket of nice things, and taking the +servant girl, went down to cheer up the mother, and see the singular +child. When Dobbs came home to dinner, his wife looked surprised. Before +he had time to seat himself, she said: + +"Have you seen cousin John? He was here, this morning, to pay you the +money you lent him, and as he could not wait for you, and must leave +town again to-day; I told him you would be at the store, at half-past +two. + +"How fortunate!" said he; "I need just that amount to take up a note +to-morrow. Just two, now," said Dobbs, looking at his watch, "I will go +down at once, for fear of missing him." + +"Can't you have dinner first?" said his affectionate wife, "you will be +in time." + +"No," said he, "I want that money, and would not like to miss him, so I +will go at once." + +"By the by," said the lady, "how came you to tell me such a story about +one side of that child's face being white?" + +"No, no," said he, as he put on his hat, "you are mistaken. I said one +side was black. You did not ask me about the other side; _that was +black, too_. First of April, my dear, first of April, you know." + +Dobbs departed in haste, and did not return again until tea time, and +then he looked disappointed. + +"What is the matter, my dear?" said Mrs. D. + +"Why, I missed cousin John, and I needed the thousand dollars to take up +a note to-morrow. And every one is so short, I cannot raise it." + +"Oh! is that all?" returned she, "then it's all right. Cousin John paid +me the money, and said you could send him a receipt by mail." + +"But," asked Dobbs, "why couldn't you tell me so at dinner time, and not +say he would be at the store, to pay me, at half-past two, and so send +me off without my dinner, besides causing me so much anxiety for +nothing?" + +"I am sorry you have had so much anxiety and trouble," returned his +wife; "but you are mistaken in supposing I told you he would be at the +store, at that time. I said I told him _you_ would be there, at +half-past two, and knowing you were in want of that money, I knew you +would not fail. _First of April, my dear, first of April, you know!_" + +Dobbs caved in; he acknowledged the corn, and Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs enjoyed +a pleasant supper. + + + + +THE REGRET. + + +JOSEPH II. Emperor of Germany, traveling incognito, stopped at an inn in +the Netherlands, where, it being fair time, and the house crowded, he +readily slept in an outhouse, after a slender supper of bacon and eggs, +for which, and bed, he paid the charge of about three shillings and +sixpence, English. A few hours after, some of his majesty's suite coming +up, the landlord appeared very uneasy at not having known the rank of +his guest. "Pshaw! man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is +accustomed to such adventures, and will think nothing of it." "Very +likely," replied mine host, "but I shall. I can never forgive myself for +having an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three and +sixpence." + + + + +NOT TO BE TWICE DECEIVED. + + +A PERSON, more ready to borrow than to pay, prevailed on a friend to +lend him a guinea, on a solemn promise of returning it the ensuing week, +which, to the surprise of the lender, he punctually kept. Shortly after, +he made an application for a larger sum. "No," said the other, "you have +deceived me once, and I will take care you shall not do so a second +time." + + + + +MURDER AND SUICIDE. + + +A CLERGYMAN preaching against lending money on usury, asserted it to be +as great a sin as _murder_. Some time after, he applied to a parishioner +to lend him twenty pounds. "What!" said the other, "after declaring your +opinion that to lend money on usury, was as bad as _murder_?" "I do not +mean," answered the parson, "that you should lend it to me on usury, but +_gratis_." "That," replied the parishioner, "would, in my opinion, be as +bad as _suicide_." + + + + +A CHALLENGE. + + +A SON of Galen, when a company was making merry by ridicule on +physicians, exclaimed, "I defy any person I ever attended, to accuse me +of ignorance or neglect." "That you may do, doctor, _dead men tell no +tales_." + + + + +A QUALIFICATION. + + +A YOUNG nobleman, lately admitted a member of the Board of Agriculture, +observed, as he took his seat, that he himself was an extensive farmer. +The company knowing his lordship's pursuits to be very different, stared +a little at the declaration; but he explained it, by saying, he had +sowed a great deal of _wild oats_. + + + + +QUICK WORK. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON, speaking of the rapid manner in which wicked deeds are +perpetrated, said that it only required two _seconds_ to fight a duel. + + + + +NON COMMITTAL. + + +A CALM, blue-eyed, self-composed, and self-possessed young lady, in a +village "down east," received a long call the other day, from a prying +old spinster, who, after prolonging her stay beyond even her own +conception of the young lady's endurance, came to the main question +which brought her thither: "I've been asked a good many times if you was +engaged to Dr. C----. Now, if folks enquire again whether you be or not, +what shall I tell them I think?" "Tell them," answered the young lady, +fixing her calm blue eyes in unblushing steadiness upon the inquisitive +features of her interrogator, "tell them that you think you don't know, +and you're sure it's none of your business." + + + + +GRIEF. + + +A DUTCHMAN having suddenly lost an infant son, of whom he was very fond, +thus vented his inconsolable grief over the loss of his child. "I don't +see wot dit make him die; he was so fatter as butter. I wouldn't haf him +tie for five dollars!" + + + + +JUDICIOUS REMARK. + + +A NEGRO, whom Dr. Franklin brought over from America, observed, that the +only gentleman in this country was the hog--"Everything work: _man_ +work, _woman_ work, _horse_ work, _bullock_ work, _ass_ work, _fire_ +work, _water_ work, _smoke_ work, _dog_ work, _cat_ work; but the _hog_, +he eat, he sleep, he do nothing all day--he be the only gentleman in +England." + + + + +A KNOTTY PUN. + + +THE late Caleb Whitefoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a +petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir," replied she; +"pray Mr. Whitefoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not._" + + + + +RETORT FROM A CHILD. + + +A VERY diminutive man, instructing his young son, told him if he +neglected his learning he would never grow tall. The child observed, +"Father, did you ever learn anything?" + + + + +AN APT SCHOLAR. + + +"JOHN, what is the past of see?" + +"Seen, Sir." + +"No, John, it is saw." + +"Yes, Sir, and if a _sea_-fish swims by me it becomes a _saw_-fish, when +it is past and can't be _seen_." + +"John, go home. Ask your mother to soak your feet in hot water, to +prevent a rush of brains to the head." + + + + +CLASSICAL BULL. POPE. + + + EIGHT callow _infants_ filled the mossy nest, + _Herself the ninth._ + + + + +ANOTHER. HOME. + + + BENEATH a mountain's brow, the most remote + And _inaccessible_ by _shepherds trod_. + + + + +A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER. + + +A SAILOR examined on an assault committed on board of ship, was asked by +the counsel, whether the plaintiff or defendant struck first. "I know +nothing," said he, "of plaintiff and defendant; I only know, as I have +said already, that Tom knocked Jack down with a marlinspike." "Here," +said the counsel, "is a pretty witness, who does not know the plaintiff +from the defendant!" Proceeding in his cross examination, the counsel +asked where the affray happened? The answer was, "Abaft the binnacle." +"Abaft the binnacle! where's that?" "Here," said the witness, "is a +pretty counsel for you, that does not know abaft the binnacle!" The +counsel, not yet abashed, asked, "And pray, my witty friend, how far +were you from Tom when he knocked down Jack?" "Just five feet seven +inches." "You are very accurate; and how do you happen to know this so +very exactly?" "I thought some fool would ask me, and so I measured it." + + + + +SLANG. + + +LORD MANSFIELD examining a witness, asked, + +"What do you know of the defendant?" + +"O! my lord, _I was up to him_." + +"Up to him! what do you mean by that?" + +"Mean, my lord! why, _I was down upon him_." + +"Up to him and down upon him! what does the fellow mean?" + +"Why I mean, my lord, _I stagged him_." + +"I do not understand your language, friend." + +"Lord! what a flat you must be!" + + + + +SCIENTIFIC DISTINCTIONS. + + +AN eminent physician, and Fellow of the Royal Society, seeing over the +door of a paltry ale-house, _The Crown and Thistle_, by Malcolm Mac +Tavish, M.D., F.R.S., walked in, and severely rebuked the landlord for +this presumptuous insult on science. Boniface, with proper respect, but +with a firmness that showed he had been a soldier, assured the doctor +that he meant no insult to science. "What right then," asked he, "have +you to put up those letters after your name?" "I have," answered the +landlord, "as good a right to these as your honor, as _Drum Major of the +Royal Scots Fusileers_." + + + + +CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. + + +A SOLDIER having been sentenced to receive military punishment, one of +the drummers refused to inflict it, saying it was not his duty. "Not +your duty, Sirrah!" said the adjutant, "what do you mean?" "I know very +well," replied Tattoo, "that it is not my duty; I was present at the +court martial, and heard the colonel say he was to receive _corporal_ +punishment. I am no _corporal_, but only a _drummer_." + + + + +AN APOLOGY. + + +LIEUTENANT O'BRIEN, called _sky-rocket Jack_, was blown up in the Edgar, +but saved on the carriage of a gun. Having got on board the admiral's +ship, all dirty and wet, he said, "I hope, Sir, you will excuse my +appearing before you in this dishabille, as I came away _in such a devil +of a hurry_." + + + + +BLINDNESS _vs._ SIGHT. + + +A BLIND man having hidden a hundred guineas in the corner of his garden, +a neighbor, who observed him in the act, dug them up, and took them. The +blind man, missing his money, suspected who was the thief; but to accuse +him would serve no purpose. He called on him, saying he wished to take +his advice; that he was possessed of two hundred guineas, one hundred of +which he had deposited in a secret spot; now he wished to have his +opinion, whether he should conceal the remainder in the same place, or +if he had better put it in the hands of a banker. The neighbor advised +him, by all means, as the safest way, to hide it along with the rest, +and hastened to replace what he had taken, in the hope of catching +double the sum. But the blind man, having recovered his treasure, took +occasion to tell his neighbor, "Blind as I am, _I can see as far into a +mill-stone as you_." + + + + +A RETORT. + + +A SPENDTHRIFT rallying a miser, among other things, said, "I'll warrant +these buttons on your coat were your great-grandfather's." "Yes," +answered he, "and I have likewise got my great-grandfather's lands." + + + + +A CHRISTIAN PRECEPT. + + +A PHYSICIAN seeing old Bannister about to drink a glass of brandy, said, +"Don't drink that poisonous stuff! brandy is the worst enemy you have." +"I know that," answered Charles, "but we are commanded _to love our +enemies_." + + + + +VANITY HUMBLED. + + +A CONSEQUENTIAL Scotch laird riding on the footpath of the high road +between Edinburgh and Dalkeith, met a respectable farmer-looking man on +foot, whom he insolently ordered to get out of the way. The other +answered, + +"I am in the proper way, while you very improperly ride on the +footpath." + +"Do you know, Sir, to whom you are talking?" + +"Not I, indeed." + +"I am Mr. ----, of ----." + +"Very likely." + +"And I am one of the trustees for this road." + +"Then you are a very bad trustee, thus to misuse the foot-way, and +interrupt passengers." + +"You are an impudent scoundrel, and I have a great mind to have you laid +by the heels. What is your name, fellow?" + +"_Henry, Duke of Montague._" + + + + +A LESSON. + + +A MISER having heard of another still more parsimonious than himself, +waited on him to gain instruction. He found him reading over a small +lamp, and having explained the cause of his visit, "If that be all," +said the other, "we may as well put out the lamp, we can converse full +as well in the dark." "I am satisfied," said the former, "that as an +economist I am much your inferior, and I shall not fail to profit by +this lesson." + + + + +A LEGISLATOR. + + +AN Irish member, adverting to the great number of _suicides_ that had +occurred, moved for leave to bring in a bill to make it a capital +offence! + + + + +DEAR WINE. + + +MR. ELWES, who united the most rigid parsimony with the most gentlemanly +sentiments, received a present of some very _fine wine_ from a wine +merchant, who knew that nothing could so win his heart as small gifts. +It had the effect to obtain from him the loan of several hundred pounds. +Mr. Elwes, who could never ask a gentleman for money, and who was a +perfect philosopher as to his losses, used jocularly to say, "It was +indeed very fine wine; for it cost him twenty pounds a bottle." + + + + +A GOOD HIT. + + +A GENTLEMAN being out a-shooting with Mr. Elwes, missed a dozen times +successively. At length, firing at a covey of partridges, he lodged two +pellets in Mr. Elwes's cheek, which gave him considerable pain; but on +the other apologizing, and expressing his sorrow for the unfortunate +accident, "My dear Sir," said the old man, "I give you joy of your +improvement; _I knew you would hit_ something _by and by_." + + + + +SPENDING TIME. + + +"WHAT makes you spend your time so freely, Jack?" + +"Because it's the only thing I have to spend." + + + + +THE LESSON PROFITED BY. + + +AN attorney traveling with his clerk to the circuit, the latter asked +his master what was the chief point in a lawsuit. He answered, "If you +will pay for a couple of fowls to our supper, I'll tell you." This being +agreed to, the master said, "The chief point was _good witnesses_." +Arrived at the inn, the attorney ordered the fowls, and when the bill +was brought in, told the clerk to pay for them according to agreement. +"O Sir," said he, "where are your _good witnesses_?" + + + + +BLACK WORK WELL PAID. + + +A CLERGYMAN meeting a chimney sweeper, asked whence he came? + +"I have been sweeping your reverence's chimneys." + +"How many were there?" + +"Twenty, Sir." + +"Well, and how much do you get a chimney?" + +"Only a shilling a piece, Sir." + +"Why, I think a pound is pretty well for your morning's work." + +"Yes, Sir, _we black-coats_ get our money easy enough." + + + + +PROOF OF IDENTITY. + + +RICHARD II., on the Pope reclaiming, as a son of the church, a bishop +whom he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate's _coat of +mail_, and in the words of the Scripture asked him, "Know now whether +this be _thy son's coat_ or not?" + + + + +NO LOSS FOR AN EXCUSE. + + +THE Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin out of earthen +vessels, glazed and painted, within and without, with _dainty devices_. +A farmer in the principality, who had a curious quart mug, with an angel +painted on the bottom, on the inside, found that a neighbor who very +frequently visited him, and with the customary hospitality had the first +draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for the rest of +the party. This, our farmer three or four times remonstrated against, as +unfair; but was always answered, "Hur does so love to look at that +pretty angel, that hur always drinks till hur can see its face." The +farmer on this set aside his angel cup, and the next Shrewsbury fair, +bought one with the figure of the devil painted at the bottom. This +being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest, he made but one draught, +and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being asked his reason, as he +could not now wish to look at the angel, he replied, "No, but hur cannot +bear to leave that ugly devil a drop." + + + + +THE GENERAL CHALLENGED. + + +GENERAL CRAIG, when in Dublin, called his servant to get ready his +horse, but Pat was missing, and when he did make his appearance, he was +_not perfectly sober_. The general asked where he had been? "I have +been, sir," answered he, "where you dare not show your face, and doing +what you dare not do, brave as you are." "Where, and what?" demanded the +general, sternly. "Why, I have been _at the whiskey shop, spending my +last sixpence_." + + + + +A QUESTION ANSWERED. + + +A SAILOR on ship-board, having fallen from the mizen-top, but his fall +having been broken by the rigging, got up on the quarter deck, little +hurt. The lieutenant asked where he _came from_? "Plase your honor," +replied he, "I came from _the north of Ireland_." + + + + +A COUNSELLOR. + + +WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to +his late majesty, as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which +the king himself was determined should be given to another. The council, +however, resolved not to indulge the king, _for fear of a dangerous +precedent_. It was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of +the office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty, by +asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know +with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled +up? "_With the devil's!_" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And +shall the instrument," said the earl, coolly, "run as usual--_to our +trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?_" + + + + +AN HIBERNIAN CAPTURE. + + +LIEUTENANT CONNOLLY, an Irishman, in the service of the United States, +during the American war, having himself taken three Hessians prisoners, +and being asked by the general, how he took them, he answered, "_I +surrounded them._" + + + + +A BON BOUCHE. + + +AN Irish counsellor, author of one of the numerous pamphlets which +emanated from the press on the subject of the union, meeting a brother +barrister, asked him if he had seen his publication. The other answered, +that he had, that very day, been dipping into part of it, and was +delighted with its contents. Quite elated, the author asked his friend +what part of the contents pleased him so much. "It was," answered the +other, "a _mince pie_ which I got from the pastry cook's, wrapped up in +half a sheet of your work." + + + + +CAN'T BE WORSE. + + +A VERY plain man was acting the character of Mithridates, in a French +theatre, when Monima said to him, "My lord, you change countenance;" a +young fellow in the pit, cried, "For heaven's sake, let him." + + + + +VIRTUE CHEAP. + + +A STONE mason was employed to engrave the following epitaph on a +tradesman's wife: "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband." The +stone, however, being narrow, he contracted the sentence in the +following manner: "A virtuous woman is 5_s._ to her husband." + + + + +THOROUGH WORK. + + +A BRICKLAYER fell through the rafters of an unfinished house, and nearly +killed himself; a bystander declared that he ought to be employed, as he +went smartly through his work. + + + + +NOT TO BE DONE BROWN. + + +DR. BROWN courted a lady for many years unsuccessfully; during which +time, he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever +he was called upon for a lady. But being observed, one evening, to omit +it, a gentleman reminded him that he had forgotten to toast his favorite +lady. "Why, indeed," said the doctor, "I find it all in vain; I have +toasted her so many years, and cannot make her Brown, that I am +determined to toast her no longer." + + + + +FITNESS OF THINGS. + + +AN Irish sergeant, on a march, being attacked by a dog, pierced the +animal with his halbert. On the complaint of the owner, the superior +officer said to the offender, "Murphy, you were wrong in this. You +should have struck the dog with the butt end of your halbert, and not +with your blade." "Plaise your honor," says Murphy, "and I would have +been glad for to save myself the trouble of claining my iron, if he had +only been so kind as to bite me with his tail, instead of his teeth." + + + + +LETTING ON. + + +A LAWYER, in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, +took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused +with tears. This had a great effect, till the opposite lawyer asked what +made him cry? "He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The whole +court was convulsed with laughter. + + + + +AN INFALLIBLE RECEIPT. + + +AS Louis XIV. was, one severe frosty day, traveling from Versailles to +Paris, he met a young man, very lightly clothed, tripping along in as +much apparent comfort as if it had been in the midst of summer. He +called him,--"How is it," said the king, "that, dressed as you are, you +seem to feel no inconvenience from the cold, while, notwithstanding my +warm apparel, I cannot keep from shivering?" "Sire," replied the +pedestrian, "if your majesty will follow my example, I engage that you +will be the warmest monarch of Europe." "How so?" asked the king. "Your +majesty need only, like me, _carry all your wardrobe on your back_." + + + + +AN APT SCHOLAR. + + +"GEORGE, what does C A T spell?" + +"Don't know, Sir." + +"What does your mother keep to catch mice?" + +"Trap, Sir." + +"No, no, what animal is very fond of milk?" + +"A baby, Sir." + +"You dunce, what was it scratched your sister's face?" + +"My nails, Sir." + +"I am out of all patience! There, do you see that animal on the fence?" + +"Yes, Sir." + +"Do you know its name?" + +"Yes, Sir." + +"Then tell me what C A T spells." + +"Kitten, Sir." + + + + +PROPENSITIES. + + +THE American General Lee, being one day at dinner where there were some +Scotch officers, took occasion to say, that when he had got a glass too +much, he had an unfortunate propensity to abuse the Scotch, and +therefore should such a thing happen, he hoped they would excuse him. +"By all means," said one of the Caledonians, "we have all our failings, +especially when in liquor. I have myself, when inebriated, a very +disagreeable propensity, if I hear any person abusing my country, to +take the first thing I can lay hold of, and knock that man down. I hope +therefore the company will excuse me if anything of the kind should +happen." General Lee did not that afternoon indulge his propensity. + + + + +UNCONSCIONABLE EXPECTATION. + + +A CULPRIT having been adjudged, on a conviction of perjury, to lose his +ears, when the executioner came to put the sentence in force, he was +rather disappointed at finding the fellow had been cropped before. The +criminal with great _sang froid_ exclaimed, "What! do you think I am +always obliged to find you ears?" + + + + +A CASE OF ALARM. + + +AN Irish gentleman, hearing that his widowed mother was married again, +said, in great perturbation, "I hope she won't have a son _older than +me_, to cut me out of the estate!" + + + + +INDIAN FINESSE. + + +SOON after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley saw a stout +Indian idling in the market-place of Boston, and asked him why he did +not work? He said he had nobody to employ him, but added, "Why don't you +work, massa?" "Oh!" says the Governor, "my head works; but come, if you +are good for any thing I will give you employment." He accordingly took +him into his service, but soon found him to be an idle and thievish +vagabond. For some tricks one day, his Excellency found it necessary to +order him a whipping, which he did by a letter he desired him to carry, +addressed to the provost marshal. Jack's guilty conscience made him +suspect the contents, and meeting another Indian, he gave him a glass of +rum to carry it for him. The poor devil willingly undertook to deliver +it, and the marshal, as directed, caused the bearer to receive a hearty +flogging. When this reached the Governor's ears, he asked Mr. Jack how +he dared do such a thing. "Ah! massa," said he, "_head work_!" + + + + +ECONOMICAL. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON says that she did not marry her second husband because +she loved the male sex, but just because he was the size of her first +protector, and would come so good to wear his old clothes out. + + + + +GOOD TOAST. + + +AT a dinner in Springfield, Mass., recently, a lady sent the following +volunteer toast:--"_Spruce_ old bachelors--the _ever greens_ of +society." + + + + +NEW CAUSE OF IMPRISONMENT. + + +A COUNSEL having been retained to oppose a person justifying bail in the +Court of King's Bench, after asking some common-place questions, was +getting rather aground, when a waggish brother, sitting behind, +whispered him to interrogate the bail as to his having been a prisoner +in Gloucester gaol. Thus instructed, our learned advocate boldly asked, +"When, Sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The bail, a reputable +tradesman, with astonishment declared that he never was in a gaol in his +life. The counsel persisted; but not being able to get any thing more +out of him, turned round and asked his friendly brother, for what the +man had been imprisoned? The answer was, "_For suicide_." Without +hesitation, he then questioned him thus: "Now, Sir, I ask you on your +oath, and remember I shall have your words taken down, were you not +_imprisoned_ in Gloucester gaol _for the crime of suicide_?" + + + + +THE BISHOP ANSWERED. + + +AN ignorant rector had occasion to wait on a bishop, who was so incensed +at his stupidity that he exclaimed, "What _blockhead_ gave you a +living?" The rector respectfully bowing, answered, "Your lordship." + + + + +SIMPLICITY _vs._ WIT. + + +A COUNTRY booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson +peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of +wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr. +_Wiseacre_!" + + + + +AN ELIGIBLE CORPS. + + +MR. BENSLEY, before he went on the stage, was a captain in the army. One +day he met a Scotch officer who had been in the same regiment. The +latter was happy to meet his old messmate, but was ashamed to be seen +with a player. He therefore hurried Bensley to an unfrequented +coffee-house, where he asked him very seriously, "Hoo could ye disgrace +the corps by turning a play-actor?" Mr. Bensley answered, that he by no +means considered it in that light; on the contrary, that a respectable +performer of good conduct was much esteemed, and kept the best company. +"And what, man," said the other, "do you get by this business of yours?" +"I have," replied Mr. B., "at present an income of near a thousand a +year." "A thousand a year!" exclaimed Saunders, astonished, "_hae ye ony +vacancies in your corps?_" + + + + +AN INVITATION. + + +A LITTLE girl, who was at dinner among a large party, fearing she had +been forgotten to be helped, crumbled some bread upon her plate, saying +at the same time to a boiled chicken near her, "_Come biddy, come!_" + + + + +AN ARCH QUESTION. + + +DOMINICO, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, which was +served in gold, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, of +whom he was a favourite, said, "Give that dish to Dominico." "_And the +partridges too, Sire?_" said the actor. The king repeated, smiling, "And +the partridges too." + + + + +IF THE CAP FITS. + + +THE following advertisement was some years ago posted up at North +Shields: + +"Whereas several idle and disorderly persons have lately made a practice +of riding on an ass belonging to Mr. ----, the head of the Ropery +stairs; now, lest any accident should happen, he takes this method of +informing the public, that he has determined _to shoot his said ass_, +and cautions any person who may be riding on it at the time, to take +care of himself, lest by some unfortunate mistake he should shoot the +_wrong one_." + + + + +A PRIVILEGED PLACE. + + +A BEAU highwayman and a miserable chimney sweeper were to be hanged +together at Newgate for their respective deserts. When the ordinary was +exhorting them, previously to the execution, the latter brushed rather +rudely against the former, to hear what the parson was saying. "You +black rascal!" said the highwayman, "what do you mean by pressing on me +so?" Poor sweep, whimpering, said, "_I am sure I have as good a right +here as you have._" + + + + +ADVANTAGE OF SPECTACLES. + + +DR. FRANKLIN always wore spectacles. One day, on Ludgate hill, a porter +passing him was nearly pushed off the pavement by an unintentional +motion of the doctor. The fellow, with characteristic insolence, +exclaimed, "Damn your spectacles!" Franklin, smiling, observed, "It is +not the first time they have _saved my eyes_." + + + + +A RARE BIT. + + +THE following extract from the inimitable "Autocrat of the Breakfast +Table," is a fair specimen of the author's genius for humor: + +Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers, +under the title, "From our Foreign Correspondent," does any harm?--Why, +no,--I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceive +people any more than the "Arabian Nights," or "Gulliver's Travels" do. +Sometimes the writers compile _too_ carelessly, though, and mix up facts +out of geographies, and stories out of the penny papers, so as to +mislead those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of one +of the papers, the other day, which contains a number of +improbabilities, and, I suspect, misstatements. I will send up and get +it for you, if you would like to hear it.----Ah, this is it; it is +headed + +"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE." + +"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,--having been +won, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ----Stamford, during the +stock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of this +gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions +(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries.' +This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a +large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for +their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm +weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. The +summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but +this fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason, +the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northern +regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter. + +"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper tree +and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a +benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for +supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that +delightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D. P.] It is said, +however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ in +England, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, +refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of +the vessel in which they were brought over. This information was +received from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and +exceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skillful in +the _cuisine_ peculiar to the island. + +"During the season of gathering the pepper, the persons employed are +subject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and +long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of these +attacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven +backwards for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known +principle of the aeolipile. Not being able to see where they are going, +these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or are +precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost +annually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed wholly on this +stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury is +resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the +_pepper-fever_, as is called, cudgeled another most severely for +appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only +pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species +of swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well +known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mahometan +Buddhists. + +"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe +and America under the familiar name of _maccaroni_. The smaller twigs +are called _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be +observed in the soups containing them. Maccaroni, being tubular, is the +favourite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered +peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island, +therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being +accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be +thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the +maccaroni arrives among us. It therefore always contains many of these +insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that +accidents from this source are comparitavely rare. + +"The fruit of the bread-tree consists principally of hot rolls. The +buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with the cocoa-nut +palm, the cream found on the milk of the cocoa-nut exuding from the +hybrid in the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so +as to fit it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with +cold"-- + +--There,--I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of +these statements are highly improbable.--No, I shall not mention the +paper.--No, neither of them wrote it, though it reminds me of the style +of these popular writers. I think the fellow who wrote it must have been +reading some of their stories, and got them mixed up with his history +and geography. I don't suppose _he_ lies;--he sells it to the editor, +who knows how many squares off "Sumatra" is. The editor, who sells it to +the public----By the way, the papers have been very civil----haven't +they?--to the--the--what d'ye call it?--"Northern Magazine,"--isn't +it?--got up by some of those Come-outers, down East, as an organ for +their local peculiarities. + + + + +SHAKSPEARE QUOTED. + + +A VILE scraper making a discordant sound with his violin, a friend +observed, "If your instrument could speak, it would address you in the +words of Hamlet: "_Though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me_." + + + + +CAUTION TO GAMESTERS. + + +A GERMAN baron at a gaming house, being detected in an _odd trick_, one +of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On +this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him never to play _so +high again_. + + + + +AT THE BAR. + + +A CRIMINAL being asked, in the usual form, what he had to say why +judgment of death should not be passed against him, answered, "Why, I +think there has been quite enough said about it already--if you please +we'll drop the subject." + + + + +HOCK. + + +A PEDANTIC fellow called for a bottle of hock at a tavern, which the +waiter, not hearing distinctly, asked him to repeat. "A bottle of +hock--hic, haec, hoc," replied the visitor. After sitting, however, a +long time, and no wine appearing, he ventured to ring again, and enquire +into the cause of delay. "Did I not order some hock, sir? Why is it not +brought in?" "Because," answered the waiter, who had been taught Latin +grammar, "you afterwards _declined_ it." + + + + +DORIC WIT. + + +A PERSON asking another, while viewing the front of Covent-garden +theatre, of what order the pillars at the entrance were, received the +answer, "Why, sir, I am not very conversant in the orders of +architecture; but from their being at the entrance of the house, I take +it for granted, it must be the Dor-ic." + + + + +FAMILY LIKENESS. + + +A YANKEE, speaking of his children, said he had seven sons, none of whom +looked alike but Jonathan, and Jonathan did look just alike. + + + + +ACTUAL EXPERIMENT. + + +"LA me! good old neighbor," cried Mrs. Popps, "what are you going to do +with that great ugly crow?" "Why, you see, we hear as how they live a +hundred years, so husband and I got one to try." + + + + +A TREMENDOUS THREAT. + + +A MAN being convicted of bigamy, at the Wexford assizes, the judge, in +pronouncing sentence, thus addressed the prisoner: "Yours is a most +atrocious case, and I am sorry that the greatest punishment which the +law allows me to inflict, is, that you be transported to parts beyond +the seas, for seven years; but if I had my will, you should not escape +thus easily; I would sentence you to _reside in the same house with both +your wives, for the term of your natural life_." + + + + +INQUISITIVE. + + +A SMART old Yankee lady, being called into court as a witness, grew +impatient at the questions put to her, and told the judge she would quit +the stand, for he was "raly one of the most inquisitive old gentlemen +she ever see." + + + + +GRAFTING. + + +A LADY, being so unfortunate as to have her husband hang himself on an +apple tree, the wife of a neighbor immediately came to beg a branch of +the tree for grafting. "For who knows," said she, "but it may bear the +same kind of fruit?" + + + + +IN ORDERS. + + +A COUNTRY squire introduced his baboon, in clerical habits, to say +grace. A clergyman, who was present, immediately left the table, and +asked ten thousand pardons for not remembering, that his lordship's +nearest relation was in orders. + + + + +NO STRANGER. + + +A HUMOROUS divine, visiting a gentleman whose wife none of the most +amiable, overheard his friend say, "If it were not for the stranger in +the next room, I would kick you out of doors." Upon which, the clergyman +stepped in, and said, "Pray, sir, make no stranger of me." + + + + +BOTH ONE. + + +AN honest clergyman, in the country, was reproving a married couple for +their frequent dissensions, seeing they were both one. "Both one!" cried +the husband; "were you to come by our door sometimes, when we quarrel, +you would swear we were twenty." + + + + +PRESS AND SQUEEZE. + + +A FRENCHMAN having frequently heard the word _press_ made use of to +imply _persuade_, as, "press that gentleman to take some refreshment," +"press him to stay to-night," thought he would show his talents, by +using a synonymous term; and therefore made no scruple, one evening, to +cry out in company, "Pray _squeeze_ that lady to sing." + + + + +TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. + + +A CERTAIN gentleman, not well skilled in orthography, requested his +friend to send him _too_ monkeys. The _t_ not being distinctly written, +his friend concluded his _too_ was intended for 100. With difficulty, he +procured fifty, which he sent; adding, "The other fifty, agreeable to +your order, will be forwarded as soon as possible." + + + + +LONG NOSE. + + +A GENTLEMAN having put out a candle, by accident, one night, ordered his +waiting-man, who was a simple being, to light it again in the kitchen. +"But take care, John," added he, "that you do not hit yourself against +anything, in the dark." Mindful of the caution, John stretched out both +his arms at full length, before him; but unluckily, a door, which stood +half open, passed between his hands, and struck him a woful blow upon +the nose. "Dickens!" muttered he, when he recovered his senses a little, +"I always heard that I had a plaguey long nose, but I vow I never have +thought, before, that it was longer than my arm." + + + + +RIDING DOUBLE. + + +AN Irish sailor, as he was riding, made a pause; the horse, in beating +off the flies, caught his hind foot in the stirrup. The sailor observing +it, exclaimed, "How now, Dobbin, if you are going to get on, I will get +off; for, by the powers, I will not ride double with you." + + + + +BEGIN RIGHT. + + +AN Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, +waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, +desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons. The +flute-player informed him that he generally charged two guineas for the +first month, and one guinea for the second. "Then, by my sowl," replied +the cunning Hibernian, "I'll come the second month." + + + + +INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHOENIX. + + +THE Thomas Hunt had arrived, she lay at the wharf at New Town, and a +rumor had reached our ears that "the Judge" was on board. Public anxiety +had been excited to the highest pitch to witness the result of the +meeting between us. It had been stated publicly that "the Judge" would +whip us the moment he arrived; but though we thought a conflict +probable, we had never been very sanguine as to its terminating in this +manner. Coolly we gazed from the window of the Office upon the New Town +road; we descried a cloud of dust in the distance; high above it waved a +whip lash, and we said, "'The Judge' cometh, and 'his driving is like +that of Jehu the son of Nimshi, for he driveth furiously.'" + +Calmly we seated ourselves in the "_arm chair_," and continued our +labors upon our magnificent Pictorial. Anon, a step, a heavy step, was +heard upon the stairs, and "the Judge" stood before us. + +"In shape and gesture proudly eminent, he stood like a tower: ... but +his face deep scars of thunder had intrenched, and care sat on his faded +cheek; but under brows of dauntless courage and pride, waiting revenge." + +"We rose, and with an unfaltering voice said: "Well, Judge, how do you +do?" He made no reply but commenced taking off his coat. + +We removed ours, also our cravat. + + * * * * * + +The sixth and last round, is described by the pressman and compositors, +as having been fearfully scientific. We held "the Judge" down over the +Press by our nose (which we had inserted between his teeth for that +purpose), and while our hair was employed in holding one of his hands +we held the other in our left, and with the "sheep's foot" brandished +above our head, shouted to him, "Say Waldo," "Never!" he gasped-- + + "O my Bigler!" he would have muttered, + But that he "dried up," ere the word was uttered. + +At this moment we discovered that we had been laboring under a +"misunderstanding," and through the amicable intervention of the +pressman, who thrust a roller between our faces (which gave the whole +affair a very different complexion), the _matter_ was finally settled on +the most friendly terms--"and without prejudice to the honor of either +party." We write this while sitting without any clothing, except our +left stocking, and the rim of our hat encircling our neck like a "ruff" +of the Elizabethan era--that article of dress having been knocked over +our head at an early stage of the proceedings, and the crown +subsequently torn off, while "the Judge" is sopping his eye with cold +water, in the next room, a small boy standing beside the sufferer with a +basin, and glancing with interest over the advertisements on the second +page of the San Diego Herald, a fair copy of which was struck off upon +the back of his shirt, at the time we held him over the Press. Thus ends +our description of this long anticipated personal collision, of which +the public can believe precisely as much as they please; if they +disbelieve the whole of it, we shall not be at all offended, but can +simply quote as much to the point, what might have been the commencement +of our epitaph, had we fallen in the conflict, + +"HERE LIES PHOENIX." + +_Phoenixiana._ + + + + +INCREDULITY. + + +A GENTLEMAN telling a very improbable story, and observing one of the +company cast a doubtful eye, "Zounds, Sir," says he, "_I saw the thing +happen._" "If you did," says the other, "I _must_ believe it; but I +would not have believed it if I had seen it myself." + + + + +A SECOND METHUSELAH. + + +A STATUARY was directed to inscribe on a monument the age of the +deceased, namely 81. The person who gave the order recollecting, +however, that it should have been 82, desired the sculptor to add one +year more; and the veteran to whose memory this stone was erected, is +recorded as having "departed this life at the advanced age of 811!" + + + + +A SCHOOL TEACHER. + + +A GENTLEMAN from Swampville, State of New York, was telling how many +different occupations he had attempted. Among others he had tried school +teaching. "How long did you teach?" asked a by-stander. + +"Wal, I didn't teach long; that is, I only _went_ to teach." + +"Did you hire out?" + +"Wal, I didn't hire out; I only _went_ to hire out." + +"Why did you give it up?" + +"Wal, I gave it up--for some reason or nuther. You see, I traveled into +a deestrict and inquired for the trustees. Somebody said Mr. Snickles +was the man I wanted to see. So I found Mr. Snickles,--named my +objic--interduced myself--and asked him what he thought about lettin' +me try my luck with the big boys and unruly gals of the deestrict. He +wanted to know if I really thought myself capable; and I told him I +wouldn't mind him asken me a few easy questions in 'rithmetic, jography, +or showin' my handwritin'. But he said, No, never mind, he could tell a +good teacher by his _gait_. 'Let me see you walk off a little ways,' +says he, 'and I can tell jis's well's I'd heared you examined,' says he. + +"He sot in the door as he spoke, and I thought, he looked a little +skittish; but I was consider'bly frustrated, and didn't mind much; so I +turned about and walked off as smart as I know'd how. He said he would +tell me when to stop, so I kep' on 'till I tho't I'd gone far 'nough; I +then 'spected suthin' was to pay, and looked round. _The door was shet, +and Snickles was gone!_" + + + + +POSTHUMOUS HONOR. + + +"SANCHO," said a dying planter to his faithful slave, "for your services +I shall leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our family +vault." "Ah, Massa!" replied Sancho, "me rather have de money or de +freedom. Besides, if the devil come in the dark to look for massa, he +make the mistake, and carry away poor negro man." + + + + +THE ANTIGALLICAN. + + +A FRENCHMAN in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was +brought him in a glass. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine +in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French +measures_ here." + + + + +SWEET DEFINITION. + + +A SPRIGHTLY school girl who attends the "Central High," where the +teachers have a way of inciting the pupils to understand what they say +in the classes, was reading the "Last of the Huggermuggers;" and stirred +by the spirit of inquiry, stimulated by her teachers, if not by natural +feminine curiosity, asked a boy cousin of hers, the meaning of +huggermugger. John looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said--"I'll +show you;" and before the incipient woman had time to make any further +remark, John had his arm around her waist, and subjected it to a gentle +pressure--"That's hugger; and this," putting his lips to hers in +affectionate collision, "is _mug ger_!" "Yes," said the not more than +half displeased Sarah Ann, "and this is the _last_ of the huggermuggers, +for if you ever attempt to give me another such definition, I'll box +your ears. I've a great mind to tell Mr. Hall, as I go to school, what +sort of dictionary you are carrying about you all the time."--_Boston +Transcript._ + + + + +COULDN'T AFFORD IT. + + +"I DON'T care much about the bugs," said Mr. Wormly to the head of a +genteel private boarding house, "but the fact is, Madam, I havn't the +blood to spare--you see that yourself." + + + + +PULL DEVIL--PULL BAKER. + + +A QUESTION for the Spike Society. "Would the devil beat his wife if he +had one?" "Guess not--for the women generally beat the devil." + + + + +PROVOKING. + + +"HALLO, boy, did you see a rabbit cross the road there just now?" + +"A rabbit?" + +"Yes, be quick! a rabbit." + +"Was it a kinder gray varmint?" + +"Yes, yes!" + +"A longish critter, with a short tail?" + +"Yes, be quick or he'll gain his burrow." + +"Had it long legs behind, and big ears?" + +"Yes, yes!" + +"And sorter jumps when it runs?" + +"Yes, I tell you; jumps when it runs!" + +"Well, I hain't seen such a critter about here." + + + + +WHEN PRESIDENTS DINE. + + +ON Davy Crocket's return to his constituents after his first session in +Congress, a nation of them surrounded him one day, and began to +interrogate him about Washington. + +"What time do they dine in Washington, Colonel?" + +"Why," said he, "common people, such as you are, get their dinners about +one o'clock, but the gentry and big bugs dine at three. As for +representatives we dine at four, and the aristocracy and the Senators +don't get theirs till five." + +"Well, when does the President fodder?" asked another. + +"Old Hickory!" exclaimed the Colonel, attempting to appoint a time +appropriate to the dignity of the station. "Old Hickory! well he don't +dine until the next day!" + + + + +COOK'S STRIKE. + + +A FEW weeks ago a wealthy family in Philadelphia, having hired a cook +who had been highly recommended to them, she was ordered one day to +prepare among other things, a hash for dinner. The hash came and was +charming--all eagerly partaking of it until the dish was scraped out. So +popular after this did the hash of the new cook become, that it was +nothing but hash every day. At last the poor cook, bringing in a large +dish of it, the perspiration pouring down her face, which was red as a +coal of fire, she set it down, and turned to her mistress and drawing +herself up said: + +"Madam, I strikes!" + +"Strikes! why, what is the matter, Betty?" + +"Cause, ma'am, I can't give you hash every day and forever--_me jaws is +all broke down, and me teeth is all wore out, chawing it up for ye's!_" + + + + +BAD STATE. + + +A SCHOOLMASTER in a neighboring town, wishing to discover the talents of +his scholars for geography, asked one of the youngest of them, what +State he lived in? To which the boy replied, "A state of sin and +misery." + + + + +PRESENCE OF MIND. + + +A POOR fellow, in Scotland, creeping through the hedge of an orchard, +with an intention to rob it, was seen by the owner, who called out to +him, "Sawney, hoot, hoot, man, where are you ganging?" "Back agen," says +Sawney. + + + + +EXTRAVAGANCE. + + +AN Irish "gintleman" had occasion to visit the South some time since. +When he returned, he remarked to a friend that the Southern people were +very extravagant. Upon being asked why so, he remarked, that where he +stayed they had a _candlestick_ worth eleven hundred dollars. + +"Why, how in the world could it cost that much?" inquired a friend. + +"Och, be gorry, it was nuthin' mor'n a big nager fellow holdin a torch +for us to eat by." + + + + +SOMEWHERE. + + +A LADY who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to +a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I +think, Sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely you may," replied +the gentleman, with equal sang froid, "as I have been there very often." + + + + +GOOD SHOT. + + +A PHYSICIAN, who lived in London, visited a lady who resided in Chelsea. +After continuing his visits for some time, the lady expressed an +apprehension that it might be inconvenient for him to come so far on her +account. "Oh! by no means," replied the doctor; "I have another patient +in the neighborhood, and I always set out hoping to kill two birds with +one stone." + + + + +ORIENTAL WIT. + + +A YOUNG man, going on a journey, intrusted a hundred deenars to an old +man. When he came back, the old man denied having had any money +deposited with him, and he was had up before the Khazee. "Where were +you, young man, when you delivered this money?" "Under a tree." "Take my +seal and summon that tree," said the judge. "Go, young man, and tell the +tree to come hither, and the tree will obey you when you show it my +seal." The young man went in wonder. After he had been gone some time, +the Khazee said to the old man, "He is long--do you think he has got +there yet?" "No," said the old man; "it is at some distance; he has not +got there yet." "How knowest thou, old man," cried the Khazee, "where +that tree is?" The young man returned and said the tree would not come. +"He has been here, young man, and given his evidence--the money is +thine." + + + + +BAD LIGHTS. + + +AN Irish gentleman, in company, observing that the lights were so dim as +only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, "Here, waiter, +let me have a couple of dacent candles, that I may see how those others +burn." + + + + +PAIR OF SPECTACLES. + + +TWO brothers having been sentenced to death, one was executed first. +"See," the other brother said, "what a lamentable spectacle my brother +makes! in a few minutes I shall be turned off; and then you will see a +pair of spectacles." + + + + +SMART GIRL. + + +A COUNTRY girl, riding by a turnpike-road without paying toll, the +gate-keeper hailed her and demanded his fee. On her demanding his +authority, he referred her to his sign, where she read, "A man and +horse, six cents." "Well," says she, "you can demand nothing of me, as +this is but a woman and a mare." + + + + +CROOKED STICK. + + +AS a number of persons were lately relating to each other the various +extraordinary incidents which had fallen within their observation, a +traveler attracted their attention by the following: "As I was passing +through a forest, I heard a rustling noise in the bushes near the road: +and being impelled by curiosity, I was determined to know what it was. +When I arrived at the spot, I found it was occasioned by a large stick +of wood, which was so very crooked that it would not lie still." + + + + +A CLINCHER. + + +GRACE GREENWOOD, in speaking of a certain and too fashionable kind of +parental government, in her lecture at Cleveland, a few evenings since, +told this refreshing little story: A gentleman told his little boy, a +child of four years, to shut the gate. He made the request three times, +and the youngster paid no sort of attention to it. "I have told you +three times, my son, to shut the gate," said the gentleman sorrowfully. +"And I've told you _free_ times," lisped the child, "that I won't do it. +You must be stupid." + + + + +A MISCONCEPTION. + + +A BARBER having a dispute with a parish clerk on a point of grammar, the +latter said it was a downright _barbarism, indeed_. "What!" exclaimed +the other, "do you mean to insult me? _Barberism, indeed!_ I'd have you +to know that a barber can speak as good grammar as a parish clerk any +day in the week." + + + + +SQUIBOB'S ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS. + +FROM PHOENIXIANA. + + +THE following recipe from the writings of Miss Hannah More, may be found +useful to your readers: + +In a climate where the attacks of fleas are a constant source of +annoyance, any method which will alleviate them becomes a _desideratum_. +It is, therefore, with pleasure I make known the following recipe, which +I am assured has been tried with efficacy. + +Boil a quart of tar until it becomes quite thin. Remove the clothing, +and before the tar becomes perfectly cool, with a broad flat brush, +apply a thin, smooth coating to the entire surface of the body and +limbs. While the tar remains soft, the flea becomes entangled in its +tenacious folds, and is rendered perfectly harmless; but it will soon +form a hard, smooth coating, entirely impervious to his bite. Should the +coating crack at the knee or elbow joints, it is merely necessary to +retouch it slightly at those places. The whole coat should be renewed +every three or four weeks. This remedy is sure, and having the advantage +of simplicity and economy, should be generally known. + +So much for Miss More. A still simpler method of preventing the attacks +of these little pests, is one which I have lately discovered myself;--in +theory only--I have not yet put it into practice. On feeling the bite of +the flea, thrust the part bitten immediately into boiling water. The +heat of the water destroys the insect and instantly removes the pain of +the bite. + +You have probably heard of old Parry Dox. I met him here a few days +since, in a sadly seedy condition. He told me that he was still +extravagantly fond of whiskey, though he was constantly "running it +down." I inquired after his wife. "She is dead, poor creature," said he, +"and is probably far better off than ever she was here. She was a +seamstress, and her greatest enjoyment of happiness in this world was +only so, so." + + + + +THE OBSEQUIOUS CARPENTER. + + +A CARPENTER having neglected to make a gibbet ordered, on the ground of +his not having been paid for a former one, was severely rated by the +sheriff. "Fellow," said he, "how dared you neglect making the gibbet +that was ordered for me?" "I humbly beg your pardon," said the +carpenter, "had I known that it was _for your worship_, I should have +left everything else to do it." + + + + +A DOUBLE ENTENDRE. + + +A LADY who strove by the application of washes, paint, &c., to improve +her countenance, had her vanity not a little flattered by a gentleman +saying, "Madam, every time I look at your face I discover some _new +beauty_." + + + + +A REPROOF. + + +A YOUNG fellow in a coffee house venting a parcel of common place abuse +on the clergy, in the presence of Mr. Sterne, and evidently leveled at +him, Laurence introduced a panegyric on his dog, which he observed had +no fault but one, namely, that whenever he saw a parson he fell a +barking at him. "And how long," said the youth, "has he had this trick?" +"Ever since he was a _puppy_." + + + + +A GOOD TURN. + + +"I UNDERSTAND, Jones, that you can turn anything neater than any other +man in town." + +"Yes, Mr. Smith, I said so." + +"Well, Mr. Jones, I don't like to brag, but there is no man on earth +that can turn a thing as well as I can whittle it, Mr. Jones. Jest name +the article that I can't whittle, that you can turn, and I'll give you a +dollar if I don't do it to the satisfaction of those gentlemen present." + +"Well, Mr. Smith, suppose we take two grindstones, just for a trial, you +may whittle and I'll turn." + + + + +A DISTINCTION. + + +SHUTER, one day meeting a friend with his coat patched at the elbow, +observed, he should be ashamed of it. "How so?" said the other, "it is +not the first time I have seen you _out at the elbows_." "Very true," +replied Ned, "I should think nothing of exhibiting twenty holes; a hole +is the _accident of the day_; but a patch is _premeditated poverty_." + + + + +CONSOLATION. + + +IN a party of young fellows, the conversation turned on their learning +and education, and one of the company having delivered his thoughts on +the subject very respectably, his neighbor, neither extremely wise nor +witty, said, "Well, Jack, you are certainly not the greatest fool +living." "No," answered he, "nor shall I be while you live." + + + + +RESULT OF KISSING THE BUTCHER. + + +"MY DEAR," said an affectionate wife, "what shall we have for dinner +to-day?" + +"One of your smiles," replied the husband. "I can dine on that every +day." + +"But I can't," replied the wife. + +"Then take this," and he gave her a kiss and went to his business. + +He returned to dinner. + +"This is excellent steak," said he, "what did you pay for it?" + +"Why, what you gave me this morning, to be sure," replied the wife. + +"You did!" exclaimed he; "then you shall have the money next time you go +to market." + + + + +NOT YOU BUT I. + + +A TRADESMAN pressing one of his customers for payment of a bill, the +latter said, "You need not be in such a hurry; I am not going to run +away." "But," says the creditor, "_I am._" + + + + +MY BROTHER'S HUNTING-LODGE. + +FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES. + + +I MET with a ludicrous instance of the dissipation of even latter days, +a few months after my marriage. Lady B---- and myself took a tour +through some of the southern parts of Ireland, and among other places +visited Castle Durrow, near which place my brother, Henry French +Barrington, had built a hunting-cottage, wherein he happened to have +given a house-warming the previous day. + +The company, as might be expected at such a place and on such an +occasion, was not the most select; in fact, they were "_hard-going_" +sportsmen. + +Among the rest, Mr. Joseph Kelly, of unfortunate fate, brother to Mr. +Michael Kelly (who by-the-by does not say a word about him in his +Reminiscences), had been invited, to add to the merriment by his +pleasantry and voice, and had come down from Dublin for the purpose. + +Of this convivial assemblage at my brother's, he was, I suppose, the +very life and soul. The dining-room had not been finished when the day +of the dinner-party arrived, and the lower parts of the walls having +only that morning received their last coat of plaster, were, of course, +totally wet. + +We had intended to surprise my brother; but had not calculated on the +scene I was to witness. On driving to the cottage-door I found it open, +while a dozen dogs, of different descriptions, showed ready to receive +us not in the most polite manner. My servant's whip, however, soon sent +them about their business, and I ventured into the parlor to see what +cheer. It was about ten in the morning: the room was strewed with empty +bottles--some broken--some interspersed with glasses, plates, dishes, +knives, spoons, &c., all in glorious confusion. Here and there were +heaps of bones, relics of the former day's entertainment, which the +dogs, seizing their opportunity, had picked. Three or four of the +Bacchanalians lay fast asleep upon chairs--one or two others on the +floor, among whom a piper lay on his back, apparently dead, with a +table-cloth spread over him, and surrounded by four or five candles, +burnt to the sockets; his chanter and bags were laid scientifically +across his body, his mouth was wide open, and his nose made ample amends +for the silence of his drone. Joe Kelly and a Mr. Peter Alley were fast +asleep in their chairs, close to the wall. + +Had I never viewed such a scene before, it would have almost terrified +me; but it was nothing more than the ordinary custom which we called +_waking the piper_, when he had got too drunk to make any more music. + +I went out, and sent away my carriage and its inmate to Castle Durrow, +whence we had come, and afterward proceeded to seek my brother. No +servant was to be seen, man or woman. I went to the stables, wherein I +found three or four more of the goodly company, who had just been able +to reach their horses, but were seized by Morpheus before they could +mount them, and so lay in the mangers awaiting a more favourable +opportunity. Returning hence to the cottage, I found my brother, also +asleep, on the only bed which it then afforded: he had no occasion to +put on his clothes, since he had never taken them off. + +I next waked Dan Tyron, a wood-ranger of Lord Ashbrook, who had acted as +maitre d'hotel in making the arrangements, and providing a horse-load +of game to fill up the banquet. I then inspected the parlor, and +insisted on breakfast. Dan Tyron set to work: an old woman was called in +from an adjoining cabin, the windows were opened, the room cleared, the +floor swept, the relics removed, and the fire lighted in the kitchen. +The piper was taken away senseless, but my brother would not suffer +either Joe or Alley to be disturbed till breakfast was ready. No time +was lost; and, after a very brief interval, we had before us abundance +of fine eggs, and milk fresh from the cow, with brandy, sugar, and +nutmeg, in plenty; a large loaf, fresh butter, a cold round of beef, +which had not been produced on the previous day, red herrings, and a +bowl dish of potatoes roasted on the turf ashes; in addition to which, +ale, whiskey, and port, made up the refreshments. All being duly in +order, we at length awakened Joe Kelly, and Peter Alley, his neighbor: +they had slept soundly, though with no other pillow than the wall; and +my brother announced breakfast with a _view holloa_! + +The twain immediately started, and roared in unison with their host most +tremendously! It was, however, in a very different tone from the _view +holloa_, and perpetuated much longer. + +"Come, boys," says French, giving Joe a pull, "come!" + +"Oh, murder!" says Joe, "I can't!"--"Murder!--murder!" echoed Peter. +French pulled them again, upon which they roared the more, still +retaining their places. I have in my lifetime laughed till I nearly +became spasmodic; but never were my risible muscles put to greater +tension than upon this occasion. The wall, as I said before, had only +that day received a coat of mortar, and of course was quite soft and +yielding, when Joe and Peter thought proper to make it their pillow; it +was, nevertheless, setting fast, from the heat and lights of an eighteen +hours' carousal; and, in the morning, when my brother awakened his +guests, the mortar had completely set and their hair being the thing +most calculated to amalgamate therewith, the entire of Joe's stock, +together with his _queue_, and half his head, was thoroughly and +irrecoverably bedded in the greedy and now marble cement, so that, if +determined to move, he must have taken the wall along with him, for +separate it would not. One side of Peter's head was in the same state of +imprisonment. Nobody was able to assist them, and there they both stuck +fast. + +A consultation was now held on this pitiful case, which I maliciously +endeavored to prolong as much as I could, and which was, in fact, every +now and then interrupted by a roar from Peter or Joe, as they made fresh +efforts to rise. At length, it was proposed by Dan Tyron to send for the +stone cutter, and get him to cut them out of the wall with a chisel. I +was literally unable to speak two sentences for laughing. The old woman +meanwhile tried to soften the obdurate wall with melted butter and new +milk--but in vain. I related the school story how Hannibal had worked +through the Alps with hot vinegar and hot irons: this experiment +likewise was made, but Hannibal's solvent had no better success than the +old crone's. + +Peter Alley, being of a more passionate nature, grew ultimately quite +outrageous: he roared, gnashed his teeth, and swore vengeance against +the mason; but as he was only held by one side, a thought at last struck +him: he asked for two knives, which being brought, he whetted one +against the other, and introducing the blades close to his skull, sawed +away at cross corners till he was liberated, with the loss only of half +his hair and a piece of his scalp, which he had sliced off in zeal and +haste for his liberty. I never saw a fellow so extravagantly happy! Fur +was scraped from the crown of a hat, to stop the bleeding; his head was +duly tied up with the old woman's _praskeen_; and he was soon in a state +of bodily convalescence. Our solicitude was now required solely for Joe, +whose head was too deeply buried to be exhumed with so much facility. At +this moment, Bob Casey, of Ballynakill, a very celebrated wig-maker, +just dropped in, to see what he could pick up honestly in the way of his +profession, or steal in the way of anything else; and he immediately +undertook to get Mr. Kelly out of the mortar by a very expert but +tedious process, namely clipping with his scissors, and then rooting out +with an oyster-knife. He thus finally succeeded, in less than an hour, +in setting Joe once more at liberty, at the price of his queue, which +was totally lost, and of the exposure of his raw and bleeding occiput. +The operation was, indeed, of a mongrel description--somewhat between a +complete tonsure and an imperfect scalping, to both of which +denominations it certainly presented claims. However, it is an ill wind +that blows nobody good! Bob Casey got the making of a skull-piece for +Joe, and my brother French had the pleasure of paying for it, as +gentlemen in those days honored any order given by a guest to the family +shopkeeper or artisan. + + + + +A PARTNERSHIP. + + +AFTER divine service at Worcester cathedral, where a remarkably fine +anthem had been performed, the organ-blower observed to the organist, "I +think we have performed mighty well to-day." "_We_ performed!" answered +the organist, "if I am not mistaken it was _I_ that performed." Next +Sunday, in the midst of a voluntary, the organ stopped all at once. The +organist, enraged, cried out, "Why don't you blow?" The fellow, popping +out his head, said, "Shall it be _we_ then?" + + + + +A WIT FOR LADIES. + + +A LADY of vivacity was by a waggish friend proposed to be made +acquainted with a gentleman of infinite wit, an offer she gladly +accepted. After the interview, her friend asked how she liked him. She +said, "Delightfully! I have hardly ever found a person so agreeable." +The damsel, uninterrupted in her own loquacity, had not discovered that +this witty gentleman was----_dumb_! + + + + +A BRAGGADOCIO REPROVED. + + +AN officer relating his feats to the Marshal de Bessompiere, said, that +in a sea-fight he had killed 300 men with his own hand: "And I," said +the Marshal, "descended through a chimney in Switzerland to visit a +pretty girl." "How could that be," said the captain, "since there are no +chimneys in that country?" "What, Sir!" said the Marshal, "I have +allowed you to kill 300 men in a fight, and surely you may permit me to +descend a chimney in Switzerland." + + + + +MRS. MUNCHAUSEN. + + +A TRAVELED London lady gives the following incident, among others, to a +circle of admiring friends, on her return from America: "I was a dinin' +haboard a first-class steamboat on the Hoeigho river. The gentleman next +me, on my right, was a Southerner, and the gentleman on my left was a +Northerner. Well, they gets into a kind of discussion on the habbolition +question, when some 'igh words hariz. 'Please to retract, Sir,' said the +Southerner. 'Won't do it,' said the Northerner. 'Pray, ma'am,' said the +Southerner, 'will you 'ave the goodness to lean back in your chair?' +'With the greatest pleasure,' said I, not knowin' what was a comin'. +When what does my gentleman do but whips out an 'oss pistil as long as +my harm, and shoots my left 'and neighbor dead! But that wasn't hall! +for the bullet, comin' out of the left temple, wounded a lady in the +side. She huttered an 'orrifick scream. 'Pon my word, ma'am,' said the +Southerner, 'you needn't make so much noise about it, for I did it by a +mistake.'" "And was justice done the murderer?" asked a horrified +listener. "Hinstantly, dear madam," answered Miss L----. "The cabin +passengers set right to work, and lynched him. They 'ung 'im in the lamp +chains right hover the dinin' table, and then finished the dessert. But +for my part, it quite spoiled my happetite." + + + + +OLD BABES. + + +A HIBERNIAN, seeing an old man and woman in the stocks, said that they +put him in mind of "the babes in the wood." + + + + +A SELL. + + +THE river _Monitor_ tells the following story: + +A countryman (farmer) went into a store in Boston, the other day, and +told the keeper that a neighbor of his had entrusted him some money to +expend to the best advantage, and he meant to do it where he would be +the best treated. He had been used very ill by the traders in Boston, +and he would not part with his neighbor's money until he had found a man +who would treat him about right. With the utmost suavity the trader +says: + +"I think I can treat you to your liking; how do you want to be treated?" + +"Well," said the farmer, with a leer in his eye, "in the first place, I +want a glass of toddy," which was forthcoming. "Now I will have a nice +cigar," says the countryman. It was promptly handed him, leisurely +lighted, and then throwing himself back with his feet as high as his +head, he commenced puffing away like a Spaniard. + +"Now what do you want to purchase?" says the store-keeper. + +"My neighbor," said the countryman, "handed me two cents when I left +home, to buy a plug of tobacco--have you got that article?" + +The store-keeper sloped instanter. + + + + +A SELL. + + +A WITTY knave bargained with a seller of lace in London for as much as +would reach from one of his ears to the other. When they had agreed, it +appeared that one of his ears was nailed at the pillory in Bristol. + + + + +PRACTICAL JOKING. + + +A FEW days since, writes an attorney, as I was sitting with Brother +D----, in his office, Court Square, a client came in, and said-- + +"Squire D----, W----, the stabler, shaved me dreadfully, yesterday, and +I want to come up with him." + +"State your case," says D----. + +"I asked him," said Client, "how much he would charge me for a horse and +wagon to go to Dedham. He said one dollar and a half. I took the team, +and when I came back, I paid him one dollar and a half, and he said he +wanted another dollar and a half for coming back, and made me pay it." + +D---- gave him some legal advice, which the client immediately acted +upon as follows: + +He went to the stabler and said-- + +"How much will you charge me for a horse and wagon to go to Salem?" + +Stabler replied--"Five dollars." + +"Harness him up!" + +Client went to Salem, came back by railroad, and went to the stabler, +saying-- + +"Here is your money," paying him five dollars. + +"Where is my horse and wagon?" says W. + +"He is at Salem," says Client; "I only hired him to go to Salem." + + + + +SOLITUDE. + + +"YOU are always yawning," said a woman to her husband. "My dear friend," +replied he, "the husband and wife are _one_; and when I am _alone_, I +grow weary." + + + + +SPEAKING OUT IN DREAMS. + + +A CORRESPONDENT of the _Richmond Dispatch_ tells the following in a +letter from one of the Springs: + +An amusing incident occurred in the cars of the Virginia and Tennessee +road, which must be preserved in print. It is too good to be lost. As +the train entered the Big Tunnel, near this place, in accordance with +the usual custom _a lamp_ was lit. A servant girl, accompanying her +mistress, had sunk in a profound slumber, but just as the lamp was lit +she awoke, and half asleep imagined herself in the infernal regions. +Frantic with fright, she implored her Maker to have mercy on her, +remarking at the same time, "The devil has got me at last." Her +mistress, sitting on the seat in front of the terrified negress, was +deeply mortified, and called upon her--"Molly, don't make such a noise; +it is I, be not afraid." The poor African immediately exclaimed, "Oh, +missus, dat you? Jest what I 'spected; I always thought if eber I got to +de bad place, I would see you dar." These remarks were uttered with such +vehemence, that not a word was lost, and the whole coach became +convulsed with laughter. + + + + +GOODBYE. + + +A MINIKIN three-and-a-half-feet Colonel, being one day at the drill, was +examining a strapper of six feet four. "Come, fellow, hold up your head; +higher, fellow!" "Yes, Sir." "Higher, fellow--higher." " What--so, Sir?" +"Yes, fellow." "And am I always to remain so?" "Yes, fellow, certainly." +"Why then, good bye. Colonel, for I never shall see you again." + + + + +MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT.--DEATH OF A YOUNG MAN. + +FROM PHOENIXIANA. + + +MR. MUDGE has just arrived in San Diego from Arkansas; he brings with +him four yoke of oxen, seventeen American cows, nine American children, +and Mrs. Mudge. They have encamped in the rear of our office, pending +the arrival of the next coasting steamer. + +Mr. Mudge is about thirty-seven years of age, his hair is light, not a +"sable silvered," but a _yaller_ gilded; you can see some of it sticking +out of the top of his hat; his costume is the national costume of +Arkansas, coat, waistcoat, and pantaloons of homespun cloth, dyed a +brownish yellow, with a decoction of the bitter barked butternut--a +pleasing alliteration; his countenance presents a determined, combined +with a sanctimonious expression, and in his brightly gleaming eye--a red +eye we think it is--we fancy a spark of poetic fervor may be +distinguished. + +Mr. Mudge called on us yesterday. We were eating watermelon. Perhaps the +reader may have eaten watermelon, if so, he knows how difficult a thing +it is to speak, when the mouth is filled with the luscious fruit, and +the slippery seed and sweet though embarrassing juice is squizzling out +all over the chin and shirt-bosom. So at first we said nothing, but +waved with our case knife toward an unoccupied box, as who should say +sit down. Mr. Mudge accordingly seated himself, and removing his hat +(whereat all his hair sprang up straight like a Jack in a box), turned +that article of dress over and over in his hands, and contemplated its +condition with alarming seriousness. + +"Take some melon, Mr. Mudge," said we, as with a sudden bolt we +recovered our speech and took another slice ourself. "No, I thank you," +replied Mr. Mudge, "I wouldn't choose any, now." + +There was a solemnity in Mr. Mudge's manner that arrested our attention; +we paused, and holding a large slice of watermelon dripping in the air, +listened to what he might have to say. + +"Thar was a very serious accident happened to us," said Mr. Mudge, "as +we wos crossin' the plains. 'Twas on the bank of the Peacus river. Thar +was a young man named Jeames Hambrick along and another young feller, he +got to fooling with his pistil, and he shot Jeames. He was a good young +man and hadn't a enemy in the company; we buried him thar on the Peacus +river, we did, and as we went off, these here lines sorter passed +through my mind." So saying, Mr. Mudge rose, drew from his pocket--his +waistcoat pocket--a crumpled piece of paper, and handed it over. Then he +drew from his coat-tail pocket, a large cotton handkerchief, with a red +ground and yellow figure, slowly unfolded it, blew his nose--an awful +blast it was--wiped his eyes, and disappeared. We publish Mr. Mudge's +lines, with the remark, that any one who says they have no poets or +poetry in Arkansas, would doubt the existence of William Shakspeare: + + DIRGE ON THE DEATH OF JEAMES HAMBRICK. + + BY MR ORION W. MUDGE, ESQ. + + it was on June the tenth + our hearts were very sad + for it was by an awful accident + we lost a fine young lad + Jeames Hambric was his name + and alas it was his lot + to you I tell the same + he was accidently shot + + on the peacus river side + the sun was very hot + and its there he fell and died + where he was accidently shot + + on the road his character good + without a stain or blot + and in our opinions growed + until he was accidently shot + + a few words only he spoke + for moments he had not + and only then he seemed to choke + I was accidently shot + + we wrapped him in a blanket good + for coffin we had not + and then we buried him where he stood + when he was accidently shot + + and as we stood around his grave + our tears the ground did blot + we prayed to god his soul to save + he was accidently shot + +This is all, but I writ at the time a epitaff which I think is short and +would do to go over his grave:-- + + EPITAFF. + + here lies the body of Jeames Hambrick + who was accidently shot + on the bank of the peacus river + by a young man + +he was accidently shot with one of the large size colt's revolver with +no stopper for the cock to rest on it was one of the old fashion kind +brass mounted and of such is the kingdom of heaven. + +truly yourn, + +ORION W MUDGE ESQ + + + + +CASUISTICAL ARITHMETIC. + + +A BRACE of partridges being brought in to supper for three gentlemen; +"Come, Tom," said one of them, "you are fresh from the schools, let us +see how learnedly you can divide these two birds among us three." "With +all my heart;" answered Tom, "there is one for _you two_ and here is one +for _me too_." + + + + +JOHNSONIAN ADVICE. + + +MRS. B. desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had +just written; adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell +her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not being +likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the +Doctor, after having turned over a few leaves, "_I advise you, Madam, to +put it where your other irons are._" + + + + +BLUNDERS OF SIR BOYLE ROCHE. + +FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES. + + +THE Baronet had certainly one great advantage over all other bull and +blunder makers: he seldom launched a blunder from which some fine +aphorism or maxim might not be easily extracted. When a debate arose in +the Irish house of commons on the vote of a grant which was recommended +by Sir John Parnel, chancellor of the exchequer, as one not likely to be +felt burdensome for many years to come--it was observed in reply, that +the house had no just right to load posterity with a weighty debt for +what could in no degree operate to their advantage. Sir Boyle, eager to +defend the measures of government, immediately rose, and in a very few +words, put forward the most unanswerable argument which human ingenuity +could possibly devise. "What, Mr. Speaker!" said he, "and so we are to +beggar ourselves for fear of vexing posterity! Now, I would ask the +honorable gentleman, and this _still more_ honorable house, why we +should put ourselves out of our way for _posterity_: for what has +_posterity_ done for _us_?" + +Sir Boyle, hearing the roar of laughter which of course followed this +sensible blunder, but not being conscious that he had said anything out +of the way, was rather puzzled, and conceived that the house had +misunderstood him. He therefore begged leave to explain, as he +apprehended that gentlemen had entirely mistaken his words: he assured +the house that "by _posterity_, he did not at all mean our _ancestors_, +but those who were to come _immediately_ after _them_." Upon hearing +this _explanation_, it was impossible to do any serious business for +half an hour. + +Sir Boyle Roche was induced by government to fight as hard as possible +for the union: so he did, and I really believe fancied, by degrees, that +he was right. On one occasion, a general titter arose at his florid +picture of the happiness which must proceed from this event. +"Gentlemen," said Sir Boyle, "may titther, and titther, and titther, and +may think it a bad measure; but their heads at present are hot, and will +so remain till they grow cool again; and so they can't decide right now; +but when the _day of judgment_ comes, _then_ honorable gentlemen will be +satisfied at this most excellent union. Sir, there is no Levitical +degrees between nations, and on this occasion I can see neither sin nor +shame in _marrying our own sister_." + +He was a determined enemy to the French revolution, and seldom rose in +the house for several years without volunteering some abuse of it. "Mr. +Speaker," said he, in a mood of this kind, "if we once permitted the +villanous French masons to meddle with the buttresses and walls of our +ancient constitution, they would never stop, nor stay, Sir, till they +brought the foundation-stones tumbling down about the ears of the +nation! There," continued Sir Boyle, placing his hand earnestly on his +heart, his powdered head shaking in unison with his loyal zeal, while he +described the probable consequences of an invasion of Ireland by the +French republicans; "There Mr. Speaker! if those Gallican villains +should invade us, Sir, 'tis on _that very table_, may-be, these +honorable members might see their own destinies lying in heaps a-top of +one another!' Here perhaps, Sir, the murderous _Marshallaw-men_ +(Marseillois) would break in, cut us to mince-meat, and throw our +bleeding heads upon that table, to stare us in the face!" + +Sir Boyle, on another occasion, was arguing for the habeas corpus +suspension bill in Ireland: "It would surely be better, Mr. Speaker," +said he, "to give up not only a _part_, but, if necessary, even the +_whole_, of our constitution, to preserve _the remainder_!" + + + + +A PLACEMAN. + + +"I CANNOT conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how you manage; my +estate is better than yours, yet you live better than I do." + +"My lord, I have a place." + +"A place! I never heard of it; what place?" + +"I am _my own steward_." + + + + +LET US START FAIR. + + +MANY years ago, while a clergyman on the coast of Cornwall was in the +midst of his sermon, the alarm was given, _A wreck! a wreck!_ The +congregation, eager for their prey, were immediately making off, when +the parson solemnly entreated them to hear only five words more. This +arrested their attention until the preacher, throwing off his +canonicals, descended from the pulpit, exclaiming, "Now, let's all start +fair!" + + + + +DEGREES OF COMPARISON. + + +AN Irishman meeting his friend, said, "I've just met our old +acquaintance Patrick, and he's grown so thin, I could hardly know him. +You are thin, and I am thin; but he is _thinner than both of us put +together_." + + + + +A MISUNDERSTANDING. + + +A POOR curate for his Sunday dinner sent his servant to a chandler's +shop, kept by one Paul, for bacon and eggs on credit. This being +refused, the damsel, as she had nothing to cook, thought she might as +well go to church, and entered as her master, in the midst of his +discourse, referring to the apostle, repeated, "What says Paul?" The +good woman, supposing the question addressed to her, answered, "Paul +says, Sir, that he'll give you no more trust till you pay your old +score." + + + + +A STORY TELLER. + + +A PERSON of this description, seated with his pot companions, was in the +midst of one of his best stories, when he was suddenly called away to go +on board of a vessel, in which he was to sail for Jamaica. Returning in +about a twelvemonth, he resumed his old seat, among his cronies. "Well, +gentlemen," proceeded he, "as I was saying----" + + + + +A RETORT. + + +AN Irish Peer, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting a +celebrated barrister, the latter asked, "When do you mean to put your +_whiskers_ on the _peace establishment_?" His lordship answered, "When +you put your _tongue_ on the _civil list_." + + + + +A LOUD LETTER. + + +"WHAT are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my +grandmother's dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her." + + + + +GO THE WHOLE. + + +A PEASANT, being at confession, accused himself of having stolen some +hay. The father-confessor asked him how many bundles he had taken from +the stack: "That is of no consequence," replied the peasant; "you may +set it down a wagon-load; for my wife and I are going to fetch the +remainder soon." + + + + +SHARP BOY. + + +A MAN driving a number of cattle to Boston, one of his cows went into a +barn-yard, where there stood a young lad. The drover calls to the boy, +"Stop that cow, my lad, stop that cow." "I am no constable, Sir." "Turn +her out then." "She is right side out now, Sir." "Well, speak to her +then." The boy took off his hat, and very handsomely addressed the cow, +with "Your servant, madam." The drover rode into the yard, and drove the +cow out himself. + + + + +HIGH FAMILY. + + +A PERSON was boasting that he was sprung from a high family in Ireland. +"Yes," said a bystander, "I have seen some of the same family so high +that their feet could not touch the ground." + + + + +SETTLING. + + +"MR. JENKINS, will it suit you to settle that old account of yours?" + +"No, Sir, you are mistaken in the man, I am not one of the old +_settlers_." + + + + +CAUSE OF REGRET. + + +A LAD, standing by while his father lost a large sum at play, burst into +tears. On being asked the cause, "O Sir," answered he, "I have read that +Alexander wept because his father Philip gained so many conquests that +he would leave him _nothing to gain_; I on the contrary weep for fear +that you will leave me _nothing to lose_." + + + + +THE PROPER PERSON. + + +A GENTLEMAN passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from some +impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did +thus: "I have been abused here, by some of the _rascals_ of this inn, +and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the +_Principal_." + + + + +AN AWKWARD SITUATION. + + +LORD LYTTLETON asked a clergyman the use of his pulpit for a young +divine he had brought down with him. "I really know not," said the +parson, "how to refuse your Lordship; but if the gentleman preach better +than I, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if +he preach worse, he is not fit to preach at all." + + + + +CALL AGAIN TO-MORROW. + + +A HERETIC in medicine being indisposed, his physician happened to call. +Being told that the doctor was below, he said, "Tell him to call another +time; I am unwell, and can't see him now." + + + + +JOKE FROM HARPER'S DRAWER. + + +WHO is not carried back to good old times as he reads this sketch of +Connecticut goin' to meetin' fifty years ago? It is a genuine story +contributed to the Drawer: + +"In the early part of the ministry of Rev. Jehu C----k, who preached +many years in one of the pleasant towns in the western part of +Connecticut, it was the custom of many of the good ladies from the +distant parts of his parish to bring with them food, which they ate at +noon; or as they used to say, 'between the intermission.' Some brought a +hard-boiled egg, some a nut-cake, some a sausage; but one good woman, +who had tried them all, and found them all too dry, brought some pudding +and milk. In order to bring it in a dish from which it would not spill +over on the road, and yet be convenient to eat from, she took a pitcher +with a narrow neck at the top, but spreading at the bottom. Arrived at +the meeting-house, she placed it under the seat. The exercises of the +day soon commenced, and the old lady became wholly rapt in her +devotional feelings. Though no philosopher, she knew by practice--as +many church-goers seem to have learned--that she could receive and +'inwardly digest' the sermon by shutting her eyes, and opening her +mouth, and allowing all her senses to go to sleep. While thus prepared, +and lost to all external impressions, she was suddenly startled by a +rustling and splashing under the seat. She had no time to consider the +cause before she discovered her dog, Put, backing out with the neck of +the pitcher over his head, and the pudding and milk drizzling out. Poor +Put had been fixing his thoughts on material objects alone; and taking +advantage of the quietness of the occasion, had crept under the seat of +his mistress, where he was helping himself to a dinner. His head had +glided easily through the narrow portion of the pitcher; but, when quite +in, it was as securely fixed as an eel in a pot. Unable to extricate +himself, he had no alternative but to be smothered or back out. The old +lady bore the catastrophe in no wise quietly. A thousand terrible +thoughts rushed into her mind; the ludicrous appearance of the dog and +pitcher, the place, the occasion, the spattering of her garments, the +rascally insult of the puppy--but, above all, the loss of her +'Sabber-day' dinner. At the top of her voice she cried, + +"'Get out, Put! get out! Oh, Jehu! I'm speakin' right out in meetin'! +Oh! I'm talkin' all the time!' + +"The scene that followed is not to be described. The frightened old lady +seized her dog and pitcher, and rushed out of meeting; the astonished +preacher paused in the midst of his discourse, while the whole +congregation were startled out of their propriety by the explosion; and +it was some time before order and the sermon were again resumed." + + + + +ARMOND. + + +ARMOND, the great comedian, had a great curiosity to see Louis XIV. in +chapel, and accordingly presented himself one morning during service at +the door. The sentinel refused to admit him. + +"But, friend," said Armond, "you must let me pass; I am his majesty's +barber." + +"Ah, that may be," said the sentinel, "but the king does not shave in +church." + + + + +MRS. PARTINGTON'S VERY LAST. + + +"WHERE did you get so much money, Isaac?" said Mrs. Partington, as he +shook a half handful of copper cents before her, grinning all the while +like a rogue that he is; "have you found the hornicopia or has anybody +given you a request?" She was a little anxious. "I got it from bets," +said he, chucking them into the air, and allowing half of them to +clatter and rattle about the floor with all the importance of dollars. +"Got them from Bets, did you?" replied she; "and who is Bets that she +should give you money?--she must be some low creature, or you would not +speak of her so disrespectably. I hope you will not get led away by any +desolate companions, Isaac, and become an unworthy membrane of society." +How tenderly the iron-bowed spectacles beamed upon him! "I mean bets," +said he, laughing, "that I won on Burlingame." "Dear me!" she exclaimed, +"how could you do so when gaming is such a horrid habit? Why, sometimes +people are arranged at the bar for it." She was really uneasy until he +explained that, in imitation of older ones, he had bet some cents on +Burlingame and had won. + + + + +ADORATION. + + +AT a late court, a man and his wife brought cross actions, each charging +the other with having committed assault and battery. On investigation, +it appeared that the husband had pushed the door against the wife, and +the wife in turn pushed the door against the husband. A gentleman of the +bar remarked that he could see no impropriety in a man and his wife +a-_door_-ing each other. + + + + +NAUGHTY CHARLES LAMB. + + +CHARLES LAMB once, while riding in company with a lady, descried a party +denuded for swimming a little way off. He remarked: "Those girls ought +to go to a more retired place." "They are boys," replied the lady. "You +may be right," rejoined Charlie, "I can't distinguish so accurately as +you, at such a distance." + + + + +TOO GREEN. + + +"SALLIE," said a young man to his red-haired sweetheart, "keep your head +away from me; you will set me on fire." + +"No danger," was the contemptuous answer, "you are too green to burn." + + + + +HIGH COMPANY. + + +A GASCON was vaunting one day, that in his travels he had been caressed +wherever he went, and had seen all the great men throughout Europe. +"Have you seen the Dardanelles?" inquired one of the company. "Parbleu!" +says he; "I most surely have seen them, when I dined with them several +times." + + + + +EMPHASIS. + + +THE force of emphasis is clearly shown in the following brief colloquy, +between two lawyers: + +"Sir," demanded one, indignantly, "do you imagine me to be a scoundrel?" + +"No, Sir," said the other coolly, "I do not _imagine_ you to be one." + + + + +A FORGETFUL MAN. + + +A MAN, endowed with an extraordinary capacity for forgetfulness, was +tried some time ago, at Paris, for vagabondage. He gave his name as +Auguste Lessite, and believed he was born at Bourges. As he had +forgotten his age, the registry of all the births in that city, from +1812 to 1822, was consulted, but only one person of the name of Lessite +had been born there during that time, and that was a girl. + +"Are you sure your name is Lessite?" asked the judge. + +"Well, I thought it was, but maybe it ain't." + +"Are you confident you were born at Bourges?" + +"Well, I always supposed I was, but I shouldn't wonder if it was +somewhere else." + +"Where does your family live at present?" + +"I don't know; I've forgotten." + +"Can you remember ever having seen your father and mother?" + +"I can't recollect to save myself; I sometimes think I have, and then +again I think I haven't." + +"What trade do you follow?" + +"Well, I am either a tailor or a cooper, and for the life of me I can't +tell which: at any rate, I'm either one or the other." + + + + +AN ACUTE HINT. + + +AN Irish footman carrying a basket of game from his master to his +friend, waited some time for the customary fee, but seeing no appearance +of it, he scratched his head, and said, "Sir, if my master should say, +Paddy, what did the gentleman give you?--_what would your honor have me +to tell him?_" + + + + +COCKNEY NARRATIVE. + + +I _laid_ at my friend's house last night, and _just_ as I _laid me down_ +to sleep, I heard a rumbling at the window of my chamber, which was +_just_ over the kitchen, a sort of portico, the top of which was _just_ +even with the floor of my room. Well, I _just_ peeped up, and as the +moon was _just_ rising, I _just_ saw the head of a man; so I _got me up_ +softly, _just_ as I was, in my shirt, _goes_ to where the pistols _laid_ +that I had _just_ loaded, and laid them _just_ within my reach. I hid +myself behind the curtains, _just_ as he was completely in the room. +_Just_ as I was about to lift my hand to shoot him, _thinks I_, would it +be _just_ to kill _this here_ man, without _one_ were sure he came with +an _unjust_ intention? so I _just_ cried out _hem!_ upon which he fell +to the ground, and there he _laid_, and I could _just_ see that he +looked _just_ as if he was dead; so I _just_ asked him what business he +had in _that there_ room? Poor man! he could _just_ speak, and said he +had _just_ come to see Mary! + + + + +SINCERE REGRET. + + +TO a gentleman who was continually lamenting the loss of his first wife +before his second, she one day said, "_Indeed, Sir, no one regrets her +more than I do._" + + + + +HARD CASE. + + +A POLITE young lady recently asserted that she had lived near a +barn-yard, and that it was impossible for her to sleep in the morning, +on account of the outcry made by a "gentleman hen." + + + + +BIG WORDS. + + +THE best hit we have lately seen at the _rather_ American fashion of +employing big crooked words, instead of little straight ones, is in the +following dialogue between a highfalutin lawyer and a plain witness: + +"Did the defendant knock the plaintiff down with _malice prepense_?" + +"No, Sir; he knocked him down with a flat-iron." + +"You misunderstand me, my friend; I want to know whether he attacked him +with any evil intent?" + +"O no, Sir, it was outside of the tent." + +"No, no; I wish you to tell me whether the attack was at all a +preconcerted affair?" + +"No, Sir; it was not a free concert affair--it was at a circus." + + + + +LACONIC AND DECISIVE. + + +A WEALTHY Jew, having made several ineffectual applications for leave to +quit Berlin, at length sent a letter to the king imploring permission to +travel for the benefit of his health, to which he received the following +answer: + +"Dear Ephraim, + +"Nothing but death shall part us. + +"FREDERICK." + + + + +THEATRICAL CRITICISM. + + +WHEN Woodward first played Sir John Brute, Garrick was present. A few +days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in +the part, adding, "I think I struck out some beauties in it." "_I +think,_" said Garrick, "_that you struck out all the beauties in it._" + + + + +A MISTAKE. + + +FREDRICK I. of Prussia, when a new soldier appeared on the parade, was +wont to ask him, "How old are you?--how long have you been in my +service?--have you received your pay and clothing?" A young Frenchman +who had volunteered into the service, being informed by his officer of +the questions which the monarch would ask, took care to have the answers +ready. The king, seeing him in the ranks, unfortunately reversed the +questions: + +Q. How long have you been in my service? + +A. Twenty-one years, and please your majesty. + +Q. How old are you? + +A. One year. + +The king, surprised, said, "Either you or I must be a fool." The +soldier, taking this for the third question, relative to his pay and +clothing, replied, "_Both_, and please your majesty." + + + + +CONSOLATION. + + +AN Irish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded in one of +the late battles in Holland. As he lay on the ground, an unlucky +soldier, who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made a +terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, "What do you make such a +noise for? _Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?_" + + + + +SEVERAL NEGATIVES. + + +"MISTER, I say, I don't suppose you don't know of nobody who don't want +to hire nobody to do nothing, don't you?" "Yes, I don't." + + + + +DIFFERENT LINES. + + +A PERSON arrived from a voyage to the East Indies inquired of a friend +after their mutual acquaintance, and, among the rest, one who had the +misfortune to be hanged during his absence: + +"How is Tom Moody?" + +"He is dead." + +"He was in the grocery line when I left this." + +"He was in quite a different _line_ when he died." + + + + +NEGRO WIT. + + +A JAMAICA PLANTER, with a nose as fiery and rubicund as that of the +_illuminating_ Bardolph, was taking his _siesta_ after dinner, when a +mosquito lighting on his _proboscis_, instantly flew back. "Aha! massa +mosquito," cried Quacco, who was in attendance, "_you burn your foot!_" + + + + +THEATRICAL BON-MOT. + + +IN a very thin house in the country, an actress spoke very low in her +communication with her lover. The actor, whose benefit it happened to +be, exclaimed with a face of woeful humor, "My dear, you may speak out, +there is nobody to hear us." + + + + +CONCISENESS. + + +LOUIS XIV. traveling, met a priest riding post. Ordering him to stop, he +asked hastily, "Whence? whither? for what?" He answered, +"Bruges--Paris--a benefice." "You shall have it." + + + + +ALLIES WILL FALL OUT. + + +A GENTLEMAN having to fight a main in the country, gave charge to his +servant to carry down two cocks. Pat put them together in a bag; on +opening which, at his arrival, he was surprised to find one of them +dead, and the other terribly wounded. Being rebuked by his master for +putting them in the same bag, he said he thought there was no danger of +them hurting each other, as they were going to fight _on the same side_. + + + + +CATCHING A TARTAR. + + +AN Irish soldier called out to his companion: + +"Hollo! Pat, I have taken a prisoner." + +"Bring him along, then; bring him along!" + +"He won't come." + +"Then come yourself." + +"_He won't let me._" + + + + +ANTIGALLICAN. + + +A DOWNRIGHT John Bull going into a coffee-house, briskly ordered a glass +of brandy and water; "But," said he, "bring me none of your cursed +_French stuff_." The waiter said respectfully, "_Genuine British_, Sir, +I assure you." + + + + +IMPRACTICABILITY. + + +A GENTLEMAN in the pit, at the representation of a certain tragedy, +observed to his neighbor, he wondered that it was not hissed: the other +answered, "People can't both yawn and hiss at once." + + + + +A DIALOGUE. + + +THE late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the +violin, the following hits took place: + +_W._ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with this +fiddling. + +_S._ Sir, I endeavor to _keep time_. + +_W._ You mean rather to _kill time_. + +_S._ No, I only _beat time_. + + + + +AN UNLUCKY COMPLIMENT. + + +A FRENCH gentleman congratulated Madame Denis on her performance of the +part of Lara. "To do justice to that part," said she, "the actress +should be young and handsome." "Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter, +"you are a complete proof of the contrary." + + + + +A COMMAND ANTICIPATED. + + +IN the campaign in Holland last war, a party marching through a swamp, +was ordered to form _two deep_. A corporal immediately exclaimed, "I'm +_too deep_ already; I am up to the middle." + + + + +A SMALL MISTAKE. + + +AN uninformed Irishman, hearing the _Sphinx_ alluded to in company, +whispered to his neighbor, "Sphinx! who is that?" "A monster, man." +"Oh!" said our Hibernian, not to seem unacquainted with his family, "_a +Munster-man_! I thought he was from Connaught." + + + + +A HOME TRUTH. + + +WHEN the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the Court of +Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention to +his Prussian Majesty, and to tell him at the same time, "That her +fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at +Berlin." The king replied, "I am sorry we are only intrusted with the +worst part of her Grace's property." + + + + +SHINING WIT. + + +A BUCK having his boots cleaned, threw down the money haughtily to the +Irish shoe-black, who as he was going away said, "By my soul, all the +_polish_ you have is on your boots, and that I gave you." + + + + +A FATAL STEP PREVENTED. + + +A BEGGAR importuned a lady for alms; she gave him a shilling. "God bless +your ladyship!" said he, "this will prevent me from executing my +resolution." The lady, alarmed, and thinking he meditated suicide, asked +what he meant. "Alas, madam!" said he, "but for this shilling I should +have been obliged to go _to work_." + + + + +A COMMON ERROR CORRECTED. + + +A SAILOR being in a company where the shape of the earth was disputed, +said, "Why look ye, gentlemen, they pretend to say the earth is _round_; +now I have been all _round_ it, and I, Jack Oakum, assure you it is _as +flat as a pancake_." + + + + +A YANKEE JUDGE AND A KENTUCKY LAWYER. + + +FEW persons in this part of the country are aware of the difference that +exists between our manners and customs, and those of the people of the +Western States. Their elections, their courts of justice, present scenes +that would strike one with astonishment and alarm. If the jurors are +not, as has been asserted, run down with dogs and guns, color is given +to charges like this, by the repeated successful defiances of law and +judges that occur, by the want of dignity and self-respect evinced by +the judges themselves, and by the squabbles and brawls that take place +between members of the bar. There is to be found occasionally there, +however, a judge of decision and firmness, to compel decorum even among +the most turbulent spirits, or at least to punish summarily all +violations of law and propriety. The following circumstances which +occurred in Kentucky were related to us by a gentleman who was an eye +witness of the whole transaction. + +Several years since, Judge R., a native of Connecticut, was holding a +court at Danville. A cause of considerable importance came on, and a Mr. +D., then a lawyer of considerable eminence, and afterwards a member of +Congress, who resided in a distant part of the State, was present to +give it his personal supervision. In the course of Mr. D.'s argument, he +let fall some profane language, for which he was promptly checked and +reprimanded by the Judge. Mr. D., accustomed to unrestrained license of +tongue, retorted with great asperity, and much harshness of language. + +"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge coolly, "put down twenty dollars fine to Mr. +D." + +"By ----," said Mr. D.; "I'll never pay a cent of it under heaven, and +I'll swear as much as I ----please." + +"Put down another fine of twenty dollars, Mr. Clerk." + +"I'll see the devil have your whole generation," rejoined Mr. D., +"before my pockets shall be picked by a cursed Yankee interloper." + +"Another twenty dollar fine, Mr. Clerk." + +"You may put on as many fines as you please, Mr. Judge, but by ---- +there's a difference between imposing and collecting, I reckon." + +"Twenty dollars more, Mr. Clerk." + +"Ha, ha!" laughed Mr. D. with some bitterness, "you are trifling with +me, I see, Sir; but I can tell you I understand no such joking; and by +----, Sir, you will do well to make an end of it." + +"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge with great composure, "add twenty dollars +more to the fine, and hand the account to the Sheriff. Mr. D., the money +must be paid immediately, or I shall commit you to prison." + +The violence of the lawyer compelled the Judge to add another fine; and +before night, the obstreperous barrister was swearing with all his might +to the bare walls of the county jail. The session of the court was +terminated, and the lawyer, seeing no prospect of escape through the +mercy of the Judge, after a fortnight's residence in prison, paid his +fine of a hundred and twenty dollars, and was released. + +He now breathed nothing but vengeance. + +"I'll teach the Yankee scoundrel," said he, "that a member of the +Kentucky bar is not to be treated in this manner with impunity." + +The Judge held his next court at Frankfort, and thither Mr. D. repaired +to take revenge for the personal indignity he had suffered. Judge R. is +as remarkable for resolute fearlessness as for talents, firmness, and +integrity; and after having provided himself with defensive weapons, +entered upon the discharge of his duties with the most philosophic +indifference. On passing from his hotel to the court-house, the Judge +noticed that a man of great size, and evidently of tremendous muscular +strength, followed him so closely as to allow no one to step between. He +observed also that Mr. D., supported by three or four friends, followed +hard upon the heels of the stranger, and on entering the court room, +posted himself as near the seat of the Judge as possible--the stranger +meantime taking care to interpose his huge body between the lawyer and +the Judge. For two or three days, matters went on this way; the stranger +sticking like a burr to the Judge, and the lawyer and his assistants +keeping as near as possible, but refraining from violence. At length, +the curiosity of Judge R. to learn something respecting the purposes of +the modern Hercules became irrepressible, and he invited him to his +room, and inquired who he was, and what object he had in view in +watching his movements thus pertinaciously. + +"Why, you see," said the stranger, ejecting a quid of tobacco that might +have freighted a small skiff, "I'm a ringtailed roarer from Big Sandy +River; I can outrun, outjump, and outfight any man in Kentucky. They +telled me in Danville, that this 'ere lawyer was comin down to give you +a lickin. Now I hadn't nothin agin that, only he wan't a goin to give +you fair play, so I came here to see you out, and now if you'll only say +the word, we can flog him and his mates, in the twinkling of a quart +pot." + +Mr. D. soon learned the feeling in which the champion regarded him, and +withdrew without attempting to execute his threats of vengeance upon the +Judge. + + + + +JUDGE PETERS. + + +ON his entrance into Philadelphia, General Lafayette was accompanied in +the barouche by the venerable Judge Peters. The dust was somewhat +troublesome, and from his advanced age, &c., the General felt and +expressed some solicitude lest his companion should experience +inconvenience from it. To which he replied: General you do not recollect +that I am a JUDGE--I do not regard the DUST, I am accustomed to it. The +lawyers throw dust in my eyes almost every day in the court-house." + + + + +WITTY APOLOGY. + + +A PHYSICIAN calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely +afflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and +the patient rejoicing in his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Come +along, doctor," exclaimed the valetudinarian, "you are just in time to +taste this bottle of Madeira; it is the first of a pipe that has just +been broached." "Ah!" replied the doctor, "these pipes of Madeira will +never do; they are the cause of all your suffering." "Well, then," +rejoined the gay incurable, "fill up your glass, for now that we have +found out the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better." + + + + +BENEVOLENCE. + + +"TAKE a ticket, Sir, for the Widow and Orphans Fund of the Spike +Society?" "Well, y-e-a-s!--don't care much though for the orphans, but +_I goes in strong for the widows_!" + + + + +MRS. PARTINGTON ON EDUCATION. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON, after listening to the reading of an advertisement for +a young ladies' boarding school, said: + +"For my part, I can't deceive what on airth eddication is coming to. +When I was young, if a girl only understood the rules of distraction, +provision, multiplying, replenishing, and the common dominator, and knew +all about the rivers and their obituaries, the covenants and domitories, +the provinces and the umpires, they had eddication enough. But now they +are to study bottomy, algierbay, and have to demonstrate supposition of +sycophants of circuses, tangents and Diogenes and parallelogramy, to say +nothing about the oxhides, corostics, and abstruse triangles!" Thus +saying, the old lady leaned back in her chair, her knitting work fell in +her lap, and for some minutes she seemed in meditation. + + + + +OBEYING ORDERS. + + +A CERTAIN General of the United States Army, supposing his favorite +horse dead, ordered an Irishman to go and skin him. + +"What! is Silver Tail dead?" asked Pat. + +"What is that to you?" said the officer, "do as I bid you, and ask me no +questions." + +Pat went about his business, and in about two hours returned. + +"Well, Pat, where have you been all this time?" asked the general. + +"Skinning your horse, your honor." + +"Did it take you two hours to perform the operation?" + +"No, your honor, but then you see it took me about half an hour to catch +the horse." + +"Catch him! Fires and furies--was he alive?" + +"Yes, your honor, and I could not skin him alive, you know." + +"Skin him alive! did you kill him?" + +"To be sure I did, your honor--and sure you know I must obey orders +without asking questions." + + + + +A REASON. + + +AS a nobleman was receiving from Louis XIII. the investiture of an +Ecclesiastical Order, and was saying, as is usual on that occasion, +_Domine, non sum dignus._--"Lord, I am not worthy." "I know that well +enough," replied the king, "but I could not resist the importunity of my +cousin Cardinal Richelieu, who pressed me to give it you." + + + + +CANVASSING. + + +AT an election, a candidate solicited a vote. + +"I would rather vote for the devil than you," was the reply. + +"But in case your friend is not a candidate," said the solicitor, "might +I then count on your assistance?" + + + + +WIT OF AN IRISH JARVEY. + + +AN anecdote, illustrative of the wit of Irish "jarveys," is going the +rounds in Dublin. Mr. ---- is a man of aldermanic proportions. He +chartered an outside car, t'other day, at Island Bridge Barrack, and +drove to the post-office. On arriving he tendered the driver sixpence, +which was strictly the fare, though but scant remuneration for the +distance. The jarvey saw at a glance the small coin, but in place of +taking the money which Mr. ----held in his hands, he busied himself +putting up the steps of the vehicle, and then, going to the well at the +back of the car, took thence a piece of carpeting, from which he shook +ostentatiously the dust, and straightway covered his horse's head with +it. After doing so he took the "fare" from the passenger, who, surprised +at the deliberation with which the jarvey had gone through the whole of +these proceedings, inquired, "Why did you cover the horse's head?" To +which the jarvey, with a humorous twinkle of his eye, and to the +infinite amusement of approving bystanders, replied, "Why did I cover +the horse's head? Is that what you want to know? Well, because I didn't +want to let the dacent baste see that he carried so big a load so far +for sixpence?" It should be added, in justice to the worthy citizen, +that a half crown immediately rewarded the witty jarvey for his ready +joke. + + + + +A CONSEQUENCE. + + +A GENTLEMAN complained that his apothecary had so stuffed him with +drugs, that he was _sick_ for a fortnight after he was _quite well_. + + + + +A SEA CHAPLAIN. + + +THE captain of a man of war lost his chaplain. The first lieutenant, a +Scotchman, announced his death to his lordship, adding he was sorry to +inform him that the chaplain died a Roman Catholic. "Well, so much the +better," said his lordship. "Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of a +_British clergyman_?" "_Why, because I believe I am the first captain +that ever could boast of a chaplain who had any religion at all._" + + + + +THE MODEST BARRISTER. + + +A COUNSEL, examining a very young lady, who was a witness in a case of +assault, asked her, if the person who was assaulted did not give the +defendant very ill language, and utter words so bad that he, the learned +counsel, had not _impudence_ enough to repeat? She replied in the +affirmative. "Will you, Madam, be kind enough," said he, "to tell the +Court what these words were?" "Why, Sir," replied she, "if _you_ have +not _impudence_ enough to speak them, how can you suppose that _I_ +have?" + + + + +A DISTINCTION. + + +A LADY came up one day to the keeper of the light-house near Plymouth, +which is a great curiosity. "I want to see the light-house," said the +lady. "It cannot be complied with," was the reply. "Do you know who I +am, Sir?" "No, Madam." "I am the Captain's _lady_." "_If you were his +wife, Madam, you could not see it without his order!_" + + + + +CONSEQUENCE. + + +A PRAGMATICAL fellow, who travelled for a mercantile house in town, +entering an inn at Bristol, considered the traveling room beneath his +dignity, and required to be shown to a private apartment; while he was +taking refreshment, the good hostess and her maid were elsewhere +discussing the point, as to what class their customer belonged. At +length the bill was called for, and the charges declared to be enormous. +"Sixpence for an egg! I never paid such a price since I traveled for the +house!" "There!" exclaimed the girl, "I told my mistress I was sure, +Sir, that you was no gentleman." + +Another gentleman going into a tavern on the Strand, called for a glass +of brandy and water, with an air of great consequence, and after +drinking it off, inquired what was to pay? "Fifteen pence, Sir," said +the waiter. "Fifteen pence! fellow, why that is downright imposition: +call your master." The master appeared, and the guest was remonstrating, +when "mine host" stopped him short, by saying, "Sir, fifteen pence is +the price we charge to gentlemen; if any persons not entitled to that +character trouble us, we take what they can afford, and are glad to get +rid of them." + + + + +PROOF OF CIVILIZATION. + + +A PERSON who had resided some time on the coast of Africa, was asked if +he thought it possible to civilize the natives? "As a proof of the +possibility of it," said he, "I have known negroes who thought as little +of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European whatever." + + + + +MAN AND BEAST. + + +"I AND Disraeli put up at the same tavern last night," said a dandified +snob, the other day. "It must have been a house of accommodation then +for man and beast," replied a bystander. + + + + +SATISFACTORY PROOF. + + +A NOBLE, but not a learned lord, having been suspected to be the author +of a very severe but well written pamphlet against a gentleman high in +office, he sent him a challenge. His lordship professed his innocence, +assuring the gentleman that he was not the author; but the other would +not be satisfied without a denial under his hand. My lord therefore took +the pen and began, "_This is to scratify, that the buk called the ----_" +"Oh, my lord!" said the gentleman, "I am perfectly satisfied that your +lordship did not write the book." + + + + +LANGUAGES CHARACTERIZED. + + +CHARLES V., speaking of the different languages of Europe, thus +described them: "The _French_ is the best language to speak to one's +friend--the _Italian_ to one's mistress--the _English_ to the +people--the _Spanish_ to God--and the _German_ to a horse." + + + + +CON. OF THE SILVER FORK SCHOOL. + + +WHY is a man eating soup with a fork like another kissing his +sweetheart? Do you give it up? + +Because it takes so long to get enough of it. + + + + +DOG-FANCYING; OR INJURED INNOCENCE. + + +BOB PICKERING, short, squat, and squinting, with a yellow "wipe" round +his "squeeze," was put to the bar on violent suspicion of dog-stealing. + +_Mr. Davis_, Silk-mercer, Dover-street, Piccadilly, said:--About an hour +before he entered the office, while sitting in his parlor, he heard a +loud barking noise, which he was convinced was made by a favorite little +dog, his property. He went out, and in the passage caught the prisoner +in the act of conveying it into the street in his arms. + +_Mr. Dyer:_ What have you to say? You are charged with attempting to +steal the dog. + +_Prisoner:_ (_affecting a look of astonishment_)--Vot, me _steal_ a dog? +Vy, I'm ready and villing to take my solomon hoth 'at I'm hinnocent of +sitch an hadwenture. Here's the _factotal_ of the consarn as I'm a +honest man. I vos a coming along Hoxfud-street, ven I seed this here +poor dumb hanimal a running about vith not nobody arter him, and a +looking jest as if he vas complete lost. Vhile I vos in this here +sittivation, a perfect gentleman comes up to me, and says he, "Vot a +cussed shame," says he, "that 'ere handsome young dog should be vithout +a nateral pertectur! I'm blow'd, young man," says he, "if I vos you if I +vouldn't pick it up and prewent the wehicles from a hurting on it; and," +says he, "I'd adwise you, 'cause you looks so _werry honest_ and so +werry respectable, to take pity on the poor dumb dog and go and buy it a +ha'porth of wittles." Vell, my lord, you see I naterally complied vith +his demand, and vos valking avay vith it for to look for a prime bit of +_bowwow_ grub, ven up comes this here good gentleman, and vants to +swear as how I vos arter _prigging_ on it! + +_Mr. Dyer:_ How do you get your living? + +_Prisoner:_ Vorks along vith my father and mother--and lives vith my +relations wot's perticler respectable. + +_Mr. Dyer:_ Policeman, do you know anything of the prisoner? + +_Policeman:_ The prisoner's three brothers were transported last +session, and his mother and father are now in Clerkenwell. The prisoner +has been a dog-stealer for years. + +_Prisoner:_ Take care vot you say--if you proves your vords, vy my +carrecter vill be hingered, and I'm blowed if you shan't get a "little +vun in" ven I comes out of _quod_. + +_Mr. Dyer:_ What is the worth of the dog? + +_Mr. Davis:_ It is worth five pounds, as it is of a valuable breed. + +_Prisoner:_ There, your vership, you hear it's a waluable dog--now is it +feasible as I should go for to prig a dog wot was a waluable hanimal? + +The magistrate appeared to think such an occurrence not at all unlikely, +as he committed him to prison for three months. + + + + +A SCOTCHMAN'S CONSOLATION. + + +A SCOTCHMAN who put up at an inn, was asked in the morning how he slept. +"Troth, man," replied Donald, "no very weel either, but I was muckle +better aff than the bugs, for deil a ane o' them closed an e'e the hale +nicht." + + + + +THE COALHEAVER AND THE FINE ARTS. + + +A SMALL-MADE MAN, with a carefully cultivated pair of carroty-colored +mustaches, whose style of seedy toggery presented a tolerably good +imitation of a "Polish militaire," came before the commissioners to +establish his legal right to fifteen pence, the price charged for a +whole-length likeness of one _Mister_ Robert White, a member of the +"black and thirsty" fraternity of coalheavers. + +The complainant called himself Signor Johannes Benesontagi, but from all +the genuine characteristics of Cockayne which he carried about him, it +was quite evident he had Germanized his patronymic of John Benson to +suit the present judicious taste of the "pensive public." + +Signor Benesontagi, a peripatetic professor of the "fine arts," it +appeared was accustomed to visit public-houses for the purpose of +caricaturing the countenances of the company, at prices varying from +five to fifteen pence. In pursuit of his vocation he stepped into the +"Vulcan's Head," where a conclave of coalheavers were accustomed nightly +to assemble, with the double view of discussing politics and pots of +Barclay's entire. He announced the nature of his profession, and having +solicited patronage, he was beckoned into the box where the defendant +was sitting, and was offered a shilling for a _full-length_ likeness. +This sum the defendant consented to enlarge to fifteen pence, provided +the artist would agree to draw him in "full fig:"--red velvet +smalls--nankeen gaiters--sky-blue waistcoat--canary wipe--and +full-bottomed fantail. The bargain was struck and the picture finished, +but when presented to the sitter, he swore "he'd see the man's back +_open and shet_ afore he'd pay the wally of a farden piece for sitch a +reg'lar 'snob' as he was made to appear in the portrait." + +The defendant was hereupon required to state why he refused to abide by +the agreement. + +"Vy, my lords and gemmen," said Coaly, "my reasons is this here. That +'ere covey comes into the crib vhere I vos a sitting blowing a cloud +behind a drop of heavy, and axes me if as how I'd have my picter draw'd. +Vell, my lords, being a little 'lumpy,' and thinking sitch a consarn +vould please my Sall, I told him as I'd stand a 'bob,' and be my pot to +his'n, perwising as he'd shove me on a pair of prime welwet breeches wot +I'd got at home to vear a Sundays. He said he vould, and 'at it should +be a 'nout-a-nout' job for he'd larnt to draw _phisogomony_ under _Sir +Peter Laurie_." + +"It's false!" said the complainant, "the brother artist I named was Sir +Thomas Lawrence." + +"Vere's the difference?" asked the coalheaver. "So, my lords, this here +persecutor goes to vork like a Briton, and claps this here thingamy in +my fist, vich ain't not a bit like me, but a blessed deal more likerer a +_bull with a belly-ache_." (_Laughter._) + +The defendant pulled out a card and handed it to the bench. On +inspection it was certainly a monstrous production, but it did present +an ugly likeness of the coalheaver. The commissioners were unanimously +of opinion it was a good fifteen-penny copy of the defendant's +countenance. + +"'Taint a bit like me?" said the defendant, angrily. "Vy, lookee here, +he's draw'd me vith a _bunch of ingans_ a sticking out of my pocket. +I'm werry fond of sitch wegetables, but I never carries none in my +pockets." + +"A bunch of onions!" replied the incensed artist--"I'll submit it to any +gentleman who is a _real_ judge of the 'fine arts,' whether that +(_pointing to the appendage_) can be taken for any thing else than the +gentleman's _watch-seals_." + +"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the coalheaver; "my votch-seals! Come, that's a +good 'un--I never vore no votch-seals, 'cause I never had none--so the +pictur can't be _like_ me." + +The commissioners admitted the premises, but denied the conclusion; and +being of opinion that the artist had made out his claim, awarded the sum +sought, and costs. + +The defendant laid down six shillings one by one with the air of a man +undergoing the operation of having so many teeth extracted, and taking +up his picture, consoled himself by saying, that "pr'aps his foreman, +Bill Jones, vould buy it, as he had the luck of vearing a votch on +Sundays." + + + + +RETORT COURTEOUS. + + +SOON after Whitefield landed in Boston, on his second visit to this +country, he and Dr. Chauncey met in the street, and, touching their hats +with courteous dignity, bowed to each other. "So you have returned, Mr. +Whitefield, have you?" He replied, "Yes, Reverend Sir, in the service of +the Lord." "I am sorry to hear it," said Chauncey. "So is the Devil!" +was the answer given, as the two divines, stepping aside at a distance +from each other, touched their hats and passed on. + + + + +TEACH YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO SUCK AN EGG. + + +"YOU see, grandma, we perforate an aperture in the apex, and a +corresponding aperture in the base; and by applying the egg to the lips, +and forcibly inhaling the breath, the shell is entirely discharged of +its contents." + +"Bless my soul," cried the old lady, "what wonderful improvements they +do make! Now in my young days we just made a hole in each end and +sucked." + + + + +ACCOMMODATING BOARDER. + + +THE landlord of an hotel at Brighton entered, in an angry mood, the +sleeping apartment of a boarder, and said, "Now, Sir, I want you to pay +your bill, and you _must_. I've asked you for it often enough; and I +tell you now, that you don't leave my house till you pay it!" "Good!" +said his lodger; "just put that in writing; make a regular agreement of +it; I'll stay with you as long as I live!" + + + + +ACCOMMODATING COOK. + + +_Mistress:_ "I think, cook, we must part this day month." + +_Cook:_ (in astonishment)--"Why, ma'am? I am sure I've let you 'ave your +own way in most everything?" + + + + +GOOD SHOT. + + +A SON of Erin, while hunting for rabbits, came across a jackass in the +woods, and shot him. + +"By me soul and St. Patrick," he exclaimed, "I've shot the father of all +the rabbits." + + + + +BILLINGSGATE RHETORIC. + + +AN action in the Court of Common Pleas, in 1794, between two +Billingsgate fishwomen, afforded two junior Barristers an opportunity of +displaying much small wit. + +The counsel for the plaintiff stated, that his client, Mrs. Isaacs, +labored in the humble, but honest vocation of a fishwoman, and that +while she was at Billingsgate market, making those purchases, which were +afterwards to furnish dainty meals to her customers, the defendant Davis +grossly insulted her, and in the presence of the whole market people, +called her a thief, and another, if possible, still more opprobrious +epithet. The learned counsel expatiated at considerable length on the +value and importance of character, and the contempt, misery, and ruin, +consequent upon the loss of it. "Character, my lord," continued he, "is +as dear to a fishwoman, as it is to a duchess. If 'the little worm we +tread on feels a pang as great as when a giant dies;' if the vital +faculties of a sprat are equal to those of a whale; why may not the +feelings of an humble retailer of 'live cod,' and 'dainty fresh salmon,' +be as acute as those of the highest rank in society?" Another +aggravation of this case, the learned counsel said, was, that his client +was an _Old Maid_; with what indignation, then, must she hear that foul +word applied to her, used by the Moor of Venice to his wife? His client +was not vindictive, and only sought to rescue her character, and be +restored to that _place_ in society she had so long maintained. + +The Judge inquired if that was the _sole_ object of the plaintiff, or +was it not rather baiting with a _sprat_ to catch a _herring_? + +Two witnesses proved the words used by the defendant. + +The counsel for the defendant said, his learned brother on the opposite +side had been _floundering_ for some time, and he could not but think +that Mrs. Isaacs was a _flat fish_ to come into court with such an +action. This was the first time he had ever heard of a fishwoman +complaining of abuse. The action originated at Billingsgate, and the +words spoken (for he would not deny that they had been used) were +nothing more than the customary language, the _lex non scripta_, by +which all disputes were settled at that place. If the court were to sit +for the purpose of reforming the language at Billingsgate, the sittings +would be interminable, actions would be as plentiful as mackerel at +midsummer, and the Billingsgate fishwomen would oftener have a new suit +at Guildhall, than on their backs. Under these circumstances, the +learned counsel called on the jury to reduce the damages to a _shrimp_. + +Verdict. Damages, _One Penny_. + + + + +HANG TOGETHER OR HANG SEPARATELY. + + +RICHARD PENN, one of the proprietors, and of all the governors of +Pennsylvania, under the old regime, probably the most deservedly +popular,--in the commencement of the revolution, (his brother John being +at that time governor,) was on the most familiar and intimate terms with +a number of the most decided and influential whigs; and, on a certain +occasion, being in company with several of them, a member of Congress +observed, that such was the crisis, "they must all _hang together_." "If +you do not, gentlemen," said Mr. Penn, "I can tell you, that you will be +very apt to _hang separately_." + + + + +WEBSTER MATCHED BY A WOMAN. + + +IN the somewhat famous case of Mrs. Bogden's will, which was tried in +the Supreme Court some years ago, Mr. Webster appeared as counselor for +the appellant. Mrs. Greenough, wife of Rev. William Greenough, late of +West Newton, a tall, straight, queenly-looking woman with a keen black +eye--a woman of great self-possession and decision of character, was +called to the stand as a witness on the opposite side from Mr. Webster. +Webster, at a glance, had the sagacity to foresee that her testimony, if +it contained anything of importance, would have great weight with the +court and jury. He therefore resolved, if possible, to break her up. And +when she answered to the first question put to her, "I believe--" +Webster roared out: + +"We don't want to hear what you believe; we want to hear what you know!" + +Mrs. Greenough replied, "That is just what I was about to say, Sir," and +went on with her testimony. + +And notwithstanding his repeated efforts to disconcert her, she pursued +the even tenor of her way, until Webster, becoming quite fearful of the +result, arose apparently in great agitation, and drawing out his large +snuff-box thrust his thumb and finger to the very bottom, and carrying +the deep pinch to both nostrils, drew it up with a gusto; and then +extracting from his pocket a very large handkerchief, which flowed to +his feet as he brought it to the front, he blew his nose with a report +that rang distinct and loud through the crowded hall. + +_Webster:_ Mrs. Greenough, was Mrs. Bogden a neat woman? + +_Mrs. Greenough:_ I cannot give you very full information as to that, +Sir; she had one very dirty trick. + +_Webster:_ What was that, Ma'am? + +_Mrs. Greenough:_ She took snuff! + +The roar of the court-house was such that the future defender of the +Constitution subsided, and neither rose nor spoke again until after Mrs. +Greenough had vacated her chair for another witness--having ample time +to reflect upon the inglorious history of the man who had a stone thrown +on his head by a woman. + + + + +A TEMPERANCE LECTURE. + + +"DADDY, I want to ask you a question." "Well, my son." "Why is neighbor +Smith's liquor shop like a counterfeit dollar?" "I can't tell, my son." +"Because you can't pass it," said the boy. + + + + +A DARNED SUBJECT. + + +A FEMALE writer says, "Nothing looks worse on a lady than darned +stockings." Allow us to observe that stockings which _need darning_ look +much worse than darned ones--Darned if they don't! + + + + +GO IT. + + +IT is astonishing how "toddy" promotes independence. A Philadelphia old +"brick," lying, a day or two since, in the gutter in a very spiritual +manner, was advised in a friendly way to economize, as "flour was going +up." "Let it go up," said old bottlenose, "I kin git as 'high' as flour +kin--any day." + + + + +TAPPING. + + +A GENTLEMAN in the Highlands of Scotland was attacked with a dropsy, +brought on by a too zealous attachment to his bottle; and it gained upon +him, at length, to such a degree, that he found it necessary to abstain +entirely from all spirituous liquors. Yet though discharged from +drinking himself, he was not hindered from making a bowl of punch to his +friends. He was sitting at this employment, when his physicians, who had +been consulting in an adjoining room, came in to tell him, that they had +just come to a resolution to tap him. "You may tap me as you please," +said the old gentleman, "but ne'er a thing was ever tapped in my house +that lasted long." + +The saying was but too true, he was tapped that evening, and died the +next day. + + + + +DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. + + +A FEW weeks ago a "sporting character" _looked in_ at the Hygeia Hotel, +just to see if he could fall in with any subjects, but finding none, and +understanding from the respectful proprietor, Mr. Parks, that he could +not be accommodated with a private room wherein to exercise the +mysteries of his craft, he felt the time begin to hang heavy on his +hands; so in order to dispel _ennui_ he took out a pack of cards and +began to amuse the by-standers in the bar-room with a number of +ingenious tricks with them, which soon drew a crowd around him. "Now," +said he, after giving them a good shuffle and slapping the pack down +upon the table, "I'll bet any man ten dollars I can cut the Jack of +hearts at the first attempt." Nobody seemed inclined to take him up, +however, till at last a weather-beaten New England skipper, in a +pea-jacket, stumped him by exclaiming, "Darned if I don't bet you! But +stop; let me see if all's right." Then taking up and inspecting it, as +if to see that there was no deception in it, he returned it to the +table, and began to fumble about in a side pocket, first taking out a +jack-knife, then a twist of tobacco, &c., till he produced a roll of +bank notes, from which he took one of $10 and handed it to a by-stander; +the gambler did the same, and taking out a pen-knife, and literally +cutting the pack in two through the middle, turned with an air of +triumph to the company, and demanded if he had not _cut_ the Jack of +hearts. "No, I'll be darned if you have!" bawled out Jonathan, "for here +it is, safe and sound." At the same time producing the card from his +pocket, whither he had dexterously conveyed it while pretending to +examine the pack, to see if it was "all right." The company were +convulsed with laughter, while the poor "child of chance" was fain to +confess that "_it was hard getting to windward of a Yankee._" + + + + +A HIGH AUTHORITY. + + +MR. CURRAN was once engaged in a legal argument; behind him stood his +colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably tall and slender, and +who had originally intended to take orders. The Judge observing that the +case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law; "Then," +said Curran, "I can refer your lordship to a _high_ authority behind me, +who was once intended for the church, though in my opinion he was fitter +for the steeple." + + + + +MISTAKEN THIS TIME. + + +COL. MOORE, a veteran politician of the Old Dominion, was a most +pleasant and affable gentleman, and a great lisper withal. He was known +by a great many, and professed to know many more; but a story is told of +him in which he failed to convince either himself or the stranger of +their previous acquaintance. All things to all men, he met a countryman, +one morning, and in his usual hearty manner stopped and shook hands with +him, saying-- + +"Why, how _do_ you do, thir? am very glad to thee you; a fine day, thir, +I thee you thill ride the old gray, thir." + +"No, Sir, this horse is one I borrowed this morning." + +"Oh! ah! Well, thir, how are the old gentleman and lady?" + +"My parents have been dead about three years, Sir!" + +"But how ith your wife, thir, and the children?" + +"I am an unmarried man, Sir." + +"Thure enough. Do you thill live on the old farm?" + +"No, Sir; I've just arrived from Ohio, where I was born." + +"Well, thir, I gueth I don't know you after all. Good morning, thir." + + + + +ONE OF THE BOYS. + + +NEIGHBOR T---- had a social party at his house a few evenings since, and +the "dear boy," Charles, a five-year old colt, was favored with +permission to be seen in the parlor. + +"Pa" is somewhat proud of his boy, and Charles was of course elaborately +gotten up for so great an occasion. Among other extras, the little +fellow's hair was treated to a liberal supply of eau de cologne, to his +huge gratification. As he entered the parlor, and made his bow to the +ladies and gentlemen-- + +"Lookee here," said he proudly, "if any one of you smells a smell, +that's _me_!" + +The effect was decided, and Charles, having thus in one brief sentence +delivered an illustrative essay on human vanity, was the hero of the +evening. + + + + +BOY ALL OVER. + + +A DISTINGUISHED lawyer says, that in his young days, he taught a boy's +school, and the pupils wrote compositions; he sometimes received some of +a peculiar sort. The following are specimens: + +"_On Industry._--It is bad for a man to be _idol_. Industry is the best +thing a man can have, and a wife is the next. Prophets and kings desired +it long, and without the site. Finis." + +"_On the Seasons._--There is four seasons, Spring, Summer, Autumn, and +Winter. They are all pleasant. Some people may like the Spring best, but +as for me,--give me liberty, or give me death. The End."--_Olive +Branch._ + + + + +PREPARATION FOR DINING. + + +AN Irish housemaid who was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, found him +engaged in using a tooth-brush. "Well, is he coming?" said the lady of +the house, as the servant returned. "Yes, Ma'am, directly," was the +reply; "he's just sharpening his teeth." + + + + +POETRY AND PRIGGING. + + +BETWEEN POETS and prigs, though seemingly "wide as the poles asunder" in +character, a strong analogy exists--and that list of "petty larceny +rogues" would certainly be incomplete, which did not include the +Parnassian professor. The difference, however, between Prigs and Poets +appears to be--that the former hold the well-known maxim of "Honor among +thieves" in reverence, and steal only from the public, while the latter, +less scrupulous, steal unblushingly from one another. This truth is as +old as Homer, and its proofs are as capable of demonstration as a +mathematical axiom. Should the alliance between the two professions be +questioned, the following case will justify our assertion. + +Mike Smith, a ragged urchin, who, though hardly able to peep over a +police bar, has been in custody more than a dozen times for petty +thefts, was charged by William King, an industrious cobbler and +ginger-beer merchant, with having stolen a bottle of "ginger-pop" from +his stall. + +The prosecutor declared the neighborhood in which his stall was +situated--that more than Cretan Labyrinth called the "Dials"--was so +infested with "young _warmint_" that he found it utterly impossible to +turn one honest penny by his ginger-pop, for if his eyes were off his +board for an instant, the young brigands who were eternally on the +look-out, took immediate advantage of the circumstance, and on his next +inspection, he was sure to discover that a bottle or two had vanished. +While busily employed on a pair of boots that morning, he happened to +cast his eyes where the ginger-pop stood, when, to his very great +astonishment, he saw a bottle move off the board just for all the world +as if it had possessed the power of locomotion. A second was about to +follow the first, when he popped his head out at the door and the +mystery was cleared up, for there he discovered the young delinquent +making a rapid retreat on all-fours, with the "ginger-pop," the cork of +which had flown out, fizzing from his breeches-pocket. After a smart +administration of the strappado, he proceeded to examine the contents of +his pinafore, which was bundled round him. This led to the discovery +that the young urchin had been on a most successful forage for a dinner +that morning. He had a delicate piece of pickled pork, a couple of eggs, +half a loaf, part of a carrot, a china basin, and the lid of a teapot; +all of which, on being closely pressed, he admitted were the result of +his morning's legerdemain labor. + +Mr. Dyer inquired into the parentage of the boy, and finding that they +were quite unable, as well as unwilling, to keep him from the streets, +ordered that he should be detained for the present. + +The boy when removed to the lock-up room--a place which familiarity with +had taught him to regard with indifference--amused himself by giving +vent to a poetical inspiration in the following admonitory distich, +which he scratched on the wall: + + "Him as prigs wot isn't _his'n_-- + Ven he's cotched--vill go to _pris'n_." + + + + +NAUTICAL SERMON. + + +WHEN Whitefield preached before the seamen at New York, he had the +following bold apostrophe in his sermon: + +"Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a +smooth sea, before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. +But what means this sudden lowering of the heavens, and that dark cloud +arising from beneath the western horizon? Hark! Don't you hear distant +thunder? Don't you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm +gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against +the ship! The air is dark! The tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The +ship is on her beam ends! What next?" + +It is said that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the +deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose with united voices and +minds, and exclaimed, "_Take to the long boat._" + + + + +BREVET MAJOR. + + +A NOBLEMAN having given a grand party, his tailor was among the company, +and was thus addressed by his lordship: "My dear Sir, I remember your +face, but I forget your name." The tailor whispered in a low tone--"I +made your breeches." The nobleman, taking him by the hand, +exclaimed--"Major Breeches, I am happy to see you." + + + + +ADVERTIZING HIGH. + + +A TIPSY loafer mistook a globe lamp with letters on it, for the queen of +night: "I'm blessed," said he, "if somebody haint stuck an advertisement +on the moon!" + + + + +COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. + + +GOVERNOR S---- was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of their +seven senses. He was especially noted for his success in criminal cases, +almost always clearing his client. He was once counsel for a man accused +of horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. The +jury retired, but returned in a few moments, and, with tears in their +eyes, proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up to +the prisoner and said: + +"Jim, the danger is past; and now, honor bright, didn't you steal that +horse?" + +"Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took that horse; but since I've +heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did!" + + + + +LARGE SNAKE. + + +AN Indian came to a certain "agency," in the northern part of Iowa, to +procure some whiskey for a young warrior that had been bitten with a +rattlesnake. At first the agent did not credit the story, but the +earnestness of the Indian, and the urgency of the case, overcame his +scruples, and turning to get the liquor, he asked the Indian how much he +wanted. + +"Four quarts," answered the Indian. + +"Four quarts?" asked the agent in surprise; "so much as that?" + +"Yes," replied the Indian, speaking through his set teeth, and frowning +as savagely as though about to wage war against the snake tribe, "four +quarts--_snake very big_." + + + + +DANGERS OF DUSTING; OR, MORE BEAUTIES OF MODERN LEGISLATION. + + +BOB SMITH and Bill Davis, a couple of boys in the full costume of the +"order" chummy, were charged with the high crime and misdemeanor of +having attempted to violate that portion of the British Constitution, +contained in the act relating to the removal of rubbish, by carrying off +a portion of the contents of Lord Derby's dusthole, the property of the +dust contractor. + +"Please your lordship's grace," said the dust contractor's deputy, +"master and me has lately lost a hunaccountable lot o' dust off our +beat, and as ve nat'rally know'd 'at it couldn't have vanished if no +body had a prigged it, vy consekvent_lye_ I keeps a look out for them +'ere unlegal covies vot goes out a dusting on the _cross_. Vhile I vos +out in Growener-skvare, I saw'd both these here two young criminals slip +down his lordship's airy and begin a shoveling his lordship's stuff into +von of their sackses. I drops on 'em in the werry hidentikle hact, and +collers both on 'em vith master's property." + +_Mr. Conant:_ You hear the charge, my lads--what have you to say in +defence? + +_Smith:_ Ve vorks for the house, my lud. + +_Mr. Conant:_ Is it your business to take away the dust? + +_Smith:_ No, my lud--ve're the rig'lar chimbly sveeps vot sveeps his +ludship's chimblys. Both on us call'd on his ludship to arsk if his +ludship's chimblys vonted sveeping--and ve larnt that they didn't; so, +my lud, as ve happened to see a lady sifting cinders in his ludship's +airy, ve arks'd her if she could be so werry hobliging as to let us have +a shovelful. She granted our demand vith the greatest perliteness, and +jest as ve vos about to cut our sticks, that there chap comes up and +lugs us avay to this here hoffice. + +_Mr. Conant:_ The case is proved, and the act says you must be fined +10_l._ Have you got 10_l._ a-piece? + +_Smith:_ (_grinning from ear to ear_)--Me got ten _pounds!_ I should +like to see a cove vot ever had sitch a precious sum _all at vonce_. All +as ever I got is threeha'pence-farden, and a bag of marbles; (_to the +other_)--you got any capital, Bill? + +_Bill:_ Ain't got nuffin--spent my last _brown_ on Vensday for a baked +tater. + +Mr. Conant looked over the act with a view of ascertaining if power had +been granted to mitigate; but the legislature had so carefully provided +for the enormity of the offence, that nothing less than the full penalty +would, according to the act, satisfy the justice of the case. + +The fine of 10_l._ each was imposed, or ten days' imprisonment. + + + + +ARBOREAL. + + +A RATHER foolish man of great wealth, was asked one day, if he had his +genealogical tree. + +"I don't know," he replied; "I have a great many trees, and I dare say I +have that one. I will ask my gardener." + + + + +EXPLICIT. + + +IN an Irish provincial journal there is an advertisement running thus:-- + +"Wanted--a handy laborer, who can plow a married man and a Protestant, +with a son or daughter." + + + + +BAD COUGH. + + +A FRIEND of ours was traveling lately, while afflicted with a very bad +cough. He annoyed his fellow travelers greatly, till finally one of them +remarked in a tone of displeasure-- + +"Sir, that is a very bad cough of yours." + +"True, Sir," replied our friend, "but you will excuse me--it's the best +I've got." + + + + +JUSTICE. + + +A WORKMAN, who was mounted on a high scaffold to repair a town clock, +fell from his elevated station, upon a man who was passing. The workman +escaped unhurt, but the man upon whom he fell, died. The brother of the +deceased accused the workman of murder, had him arrested, and brought to +trial. He pursued him with the utmost malignity, and would not admit a +word in his defence. At length the judge, provoked at his unfounded +hostility, gave the following judgment: + +"Let the accused stand in the same spot whereon the dead man stood, and +let the brother mount the scaffold, to the workman's old place and fall +upon him. Thus will justice be satisfied." + +The brother withdrew his suit. + + + + +POSTHUMOUS. + + +AN Irish student was once asked what was meant by posthumous works. +"They are such works," says the Paddy, "as a man writes after he is +dead." + + + + +AN INSTANCE OF REMARKABLE COOLNESS. + + +KNICKERBOCKER Magazine picks up a good many good things. In the December +number we find a story which runs thus:--"Judge B., of New Haven, is a +talented lawyer and a great wag. He has a son, Sam, a graceless wight, +witty, and, like his father fond of mint juleps and other palatable +"fluids." The father and son were on a visit to Niagara Falls. Each was +anxious to "take a nip," but (one for example, and the other in dread of +hurting the old man's feelings) equally unwilling to drink in the +presence of the other. "Sam," said the Judge, "I'll take a short +walk--be back shortly." "All right," replied Sam, and after seeing the +old gentleman safely around the corner, he walked out quickly, and +ordered a julep at a bar-room. While _in concocto_, the Judge entered, +and (Sam just then being back of a newspaper, and consequently viewing, +though viewless,) ordered a julep. The second was compounded, and the +Judge was just adjusting his tube for a cooling draught, when Sam +stepped up, and taking up his glass, requested the bar-tender to take +his pay for both juleps from the bill the old gentleman had handed out +to him! The surprise of the Judge was only equalled by his admiration +for his son's coolness; and he exclaimed, "Sam! Sam!--you need no julep +to cool _you_!" Sam "allowed" that he didn't." + + + + +LIBERALITY. + + +"PLEASE, Sir," said a little beggar girl to her charitable patron, "you +have given me a bad sixpence." "Never mind," was the reply, "you may +keep it for your honesty." + + + + +PEDANTRY REPROVED. + + +A YOUNG MAN, who was a student in one of our colleges, being very vain +of his knowledge of the Latin language, embraced every opportunity that +offered, to utter short sentences in Latin before his more illiterate +companions. An uncle of his, who was a seafaring man, having just +arrived from a long voyage, invited his nephew to visit him on board of +the ship. The young gentleman went on board, and was highly pleased with +everything he saw. Wishing to give his uncle an idea of his superior +knowledge, he tapped him on the shoulder, and pointing to the windlass, +asked, "Quid est hoc?" His uncle, being a man who despised such vanity, +took a chew of tobacco from his mouth, and throwing it in his nephew's +face, replied, "Hoc est _quid_." + + + + +BON MOT. + + +MR. BETHEL, an Irish counselor, as celebrated for his wit as his +practice, was once robbed of a suit of clothes in rather an +extraordinary manner. Meeting, on the day after, a brother barrister in +the Hall of the Four Courts, the latter began to condole with him on his +misfortune, mingling some expressions of surprise at the singularity of +the thing. "It is extraordinary indeed, my dear friend," replied Bethel, +"for without vanity, it is the first _suit_ I ever lost." + + + + +CAUSE OF GRIEF. + + +AN affectionate wife lamenting over her sick husband, he bade her dry +her tears, for possibly he might recover. "Alas! my dear," said she, +"the thought of it makes me weep." + + + + +WHERE YOU OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN. + + +A CLERGYMAN who is in the habit of preaching in different parts of the +country, was not long since at an inn, where he observed a horse jockey +trying to take in a simple gentleman, by imposing upon him a +broken-winded horse for a sound one. The parson knew the bad character +of the jockey, and taking the gentleman aside, told him to be cautious +of the person he was dealing with. The gentleman finally declined the +purchase, and the jockey, quite nettled, observed--"Parson, I had much +rather hear you preach, than see you privately interfere in bargains +between man and man, in this way." "Well," replied the parson, "if you +had been where you ought to have been, last Sunday, you might have heard +me preach." "Where was that?" inquired the jockey. "In the State +Prison," returned the clergyman. + + + + +COUNSEL AND WITNESS. + + +A GENTLEMAN who was severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, was +repeatedly asked if he did not lodge in the verge of the court; at +length he answered that he did. "And pray, Sir," said the counsel, "for +what reason did you take up your residence in that place?" "To avoid the +rascally impertinence of _dunning_," answered the witness. + + + + +WORKING A PASSAGE. + + +A PADDY applied to work his passage on a canal, and was employed to lead +the horses which drew the boat--on arriving at the place of destination, +he swore, "that he would sooner go on foot, than work his passage in +America." + + + + +TIMOTHY DEXTER. + + +ACCORDING to his own account, was born in Malden, Massachusetts. "I was +born," says he, (in his celebrated work, A Pikel for the Knowing Ones,) +"1747, Jan. 22; on this day in the morning, a great snow storm in the +signs of the seventh house; whilst Mars came forward, Jupiter stood by +to hold the candle. I was born to be a great man." + +Lord Dexter, after having served an apprenticeship to a leather dresser, +commenced business in Newburyport, where he married a widow, who owned a +house and a small piece of land; part of which, soon after the nuptials, +was converted into a shop and tan-yard. + +By application to his business, his property increased, and the purchase +of a large tract of land near Penobscot, together with an interest which +he bought in the Ohio Company's purchase, afforded him so much profit, +as to induce him to buy up Public Securities at forty cents on the +pound, which securities soon afterwards became worth twenty shillings on +the pound. + +His lordship at one time shipped a large quantity of _warming pans_ to +the _West Indies_, where they were sold at a great advance on prime +cost, and used for molasses ladles. At another time, he purchased a +large quantity of _whalebone for ships' stays_,--the article rose in +value upon his hands, and he sold it to great advantage. + +Property now was no longer the object of his pursuit: but popularity +became the god of his idolatry. He was charitable to the poor, gave +large donations to religious societies, and rewarded those who wrote in +his praise. + +His lordship about this time acquired his peculiar taste for style and +splendor; and to enhance his own importance in the world, set up an +elegant equipage, and at great cost, adorned the front of his house with +numerous figures of illustrious personages. + +By his order, a tomb was dug under his summer-house in his garden, +during his life, which he mentions in "A Pikel for the Knowing Ones," in +the following ludicrous style: + +"Here will lie in this box the first lord in Americake, the first Lord +Dexter made by the voice of hampsher state my brave fellows Affirmed it +they give me the titel and so Let it gone for as much as it will fetch +it wonte give me Any breade but take from me the Contrary fourder I have +a grand toume in my garding at one of the grasses and the tempel of +Reason over the toume and my coffen made and all Ready In my hous panted +with white Lead inside and outside tuched with greane and bras trimings +Eight handels and a gold Lock: I have had one mock founrel it was so +solmon and there was so much Criing about 3000 spectators I say my hous +is Eaqal to any mansion house in twelve hundred miles and now for sale +for seven hundred pounds weight of Dollars by me + +TIMOTHY DEXTER." + +Lord Dexter believed in transmigration, sometimes; at others he was a +deist. He died on the 22d day of Oct. 1806, in the 60th year of his age. + + + + +TELEGRAPH. + + +A HUSBAND telegraphed to his wife: "What have you got for breakfast, and +how is the baby?" The answer came back, "Buckwheat cakes and the +measles." + + + + +CONUNDRUMS. + + +WHAT tune is that which ladies never call for? Why, the spit-toon. + +When is a lady's neck not a neck? When it is a little bare. (_bear!_) + +When is music like vegetables? When there are two _beats_ to the +measure. + +Why was the elephant the last animal going into Noah's ark? Because he +waited for his trunk. + +Why is a poor horse greater than Napoleon? Because in him there are +_many_ bony parts. + + + + +NEAT REPLY. + + +A LADY wished a seat. A portly, handsome gentleman brought one and +seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," replied he, "I'm a +jeweller--I have just set the jewel." Could there have been anything +more gallant than that? + + + + +ON THE STUMP. + + +A SPEAKER at a stump meeting out West, declared that he knew no East, no +West, no North, no South. + +"Then," said a tipsy bystander, "you ought to go to school and larn your +geography." + + + + +LITERARY HUSBAND. + + +"I WISH," said a beautiful wife to her studious husband, "I wish I was a +book." "I wish you were--an _almanac_," replied her lord, "and then I +would get a new one every year." Just then the silk rustled. + + + + +ECONOMY. + + +"BLAST your stingy old skin!" said a runner to a competitor, before a +whole depot full of bystanders: "I knew you when you used to hire your +children to go to bed without their suppers, and after they got to sleep +you'd go up and steal their pennies to hire 'em with again the next +night!" + + + + +A TRICK. + + +THE following story is told of a boy who was asked to take a jug and get +some beer for his father, who had spent all his money for strong drink. +"Give me the money, then, father," replied the son. + +"My son, any body can get the beer with money, but to get it without +money, that is a trick." + +So the boy took the jug and went out. Shortly he returned, and placing +the jug before his father, said, "Drink." + +"How can I drink, when there is no beer in the jug?" + +"To drink beer out of a jug," says the boy, "where there is beer, +anybody could do that; but to drink beer out of a jug where there is no +beer, that is a trick!" + + + + +QUICK TIME. + + +A GENTLEMAN was one day arranging music for a young lady to whom he was +paying his addresses. + +"Pray, Miss D----," said he, "what time do you prefer?" + +"Oh," she replied carelessly, "any time will answer, but the quicker the +better." + + + + +STRONG AFFECTION. + + +THERE is a man who says he has been at evening parties out West, where +the boys and girls hug so hard that their sides cave in. He says he has +many of his own ribs broken that very way. + + + + +VERY AFFECTING. + + +A PROFESSIONAL beggar boy, some ten years of age, ignorant of the art of +reading, bought a card to put on his breast, and appeared in the public +streets as a "poor widow with eight small children." + + + + +HARD SHAVE. + + +"DOES the razor take hold well?" inquired a darkey, who was shaving a +gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in +his eyes, "it takes hold first rate, but it don't let go worth a cent." + + + + +COULDN'T TELL HIS FATHER. + + +CICERO was of low birth, and Metellus was the son of a licentious woman. +Metellus said to Cicero, "Dare you tell your father's name?" Cicero +replied, "Can your mother tell yours?" + + + + +A SAUCY DOCTOR. + + +"Why, doctor," said a sick lady, "you give me the same medicine that you +are giving my husband. Why is that?" "All right," replied the doctor, +"what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander." + + + + +EXPOSING A PARSON. + + +A MINISTER was one Sabbath examining a Sunday school in catechism before +the congregation. The usual question was put to the first girl, a +strapper, who usually assisted her father, who was a publican, in +waiting upon customers. + +"What is your name?" + +No reply. + +"What is your name?" he repeated, + +"None of your fun, Mr. Minister," said the girl; "you know my name well +enough. Don't you say when you come to our house on a night, 'Bet, bring +me some more ale?'" + +The congregation, forgetting the sacredness of the place, were in a +broad grin, and the parson looked daggers. + + + + +NATURAL HISTORY. + + +"PAPA, can't I go to the zoologerical rooms to see the camomile fight +the rhy-no-sir-ee-hoss?" "Sartin, my son, but don't get your trowsers +torn. Strange, my dear, what a taste that boy has for nat'ral history. +No longer ago than yesterday he had a pair of Thomas-cats hanging by +their tails to the clothes line." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of +Fun;, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ANECDOTES *** + +***** This file should be named 29419.txt or 29419.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/4/1/29419/ + +Produced by Chuck Greif, Patricia Ann Doyle Saumell and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/29419.zip b/29419.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f52ffb3 --- /dev/null +++ b/29419.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..823c35f --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #29419 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/29419) |