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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+September 16, 1914, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 16, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: December 7, 2008  [eBook #27440]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 147, SEPTEMBER 16, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 27440-h.htm or 27440-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440/27440-h/27440-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440/27440-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 147
+
+SEPTEMBER 16, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"Our future lies upon the water," once boasted the KAISER. "And our
+present lies in it," as the German soldier remarked when the Belgians
+opened the dykes near Antwerp.
+
+       * * *
+
+The mass of the German people would seem to be extraordinarily
+ill-informed in regard to the War and to stand sadly in need of
+enlightenment in some respects. For example, their ebullitions of rage
+against everyone and everything English shows that they are ignorant of
+the fact that we are a decadent nation and a negligible quantity in the
+War.
+
+       * * *
+
+Many of the little scraps in which the Germans were reported by their
+Press to have been victorious now turn out to have been merely scraps of
+paper.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to _The Times_ one of the first acts of the new Pope will be
+to urge the Powers at war to desist from hostilities in the interests of
+humanity. It is rumoured that Austria-Hungary thinks this a capital
+idea.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our readers will, we are sure, be sorry to hear that the lady who, as
+reported in our pages the week before last, in the course of a
+difference with her husband, called him "a bloomin' Oolan," has once
+again had words with him. This time, the husband complains, she shouted
+after him, "You 'Un!"
+
+       * * *
+
+An appeal has been made for magazines for the men at the front. The
+following extract from a letter touches on the subject:--"On Wednesday
+heavy German cavalry charged us with drawn sabres, and we only had a
+minute to prepare to receive them. We left our entrenchments and,
+rallying in groups, emptied our magazines into them as they drew near."
+
+       * * *
+
+We regret to hear that, owing to so many persons failing to go out of
+Town this year, there is considerable distress among London burglars.
+The oldest among them do not remember a duller season.
+
+       * * *
+
+A dear old lady writes to say that she is delighted to hear that the
+Crystal Palace has been taken over by the Admiralty, as she loves the
+place, and it is _so_ brittle.
+
+       * * *
+
+Another dear old thing suggests that, in order to facilitate the work of
+the police, all spies should be compelled to wear a distinctive dress.
+
+       * * *
+
+With the object of benefiting the local branch of the National Relief
+Fund there has been published at Brighton the first number of a paper
+called _The Ally_. Our contemporary, _Ally Sloper_, has generously
+decided in the circumstances to take no proceedings with a view to
+protecting its title.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Why," asks a lady, "should not waitresses take the place of the German
+waiters whose services are now being dispensed with?" Possibly we may be
+wrong, but we seem to remember once having seen an announcement on the
+placard of a feminist journal to the effect that:--
+
+    WOMEN
+    CAN NOT
+    WAIT.
+
+       * * *
+
+Lord ROSEBERY, speaking the other day at Broxburn, said that defeat for
+us would not mean foreign tax-gatherers in the country. We are glad of
+this. It would be deplorable if the tax-gatherer were ever to become an
+unpopular figure with us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE HUNTER HUNTED.
+
+[With acknowledgments to Mr. J. C. DOLLMAN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Fog of War.
+
+    "A final shell struck the Laurel amidship, enveloping her in a dense
+    certainohtstl thesemac recsmscvtm mecevsccvc."
+
+    _Glasgow Citizen._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHALLENGE.
+
+"Arthur," I said, "you are not handsome, but you have sterling qualities
+and know a thing or two."
+
+"You are not exactly a mezzotint yourself," Arthur retorted, "and I'm
+not sure that you have any particular qualities yet. What does this lead
+up to?"
+
+"This," I said. "Suppose you are a sentry, outside barracks or an
+encampment of some kind."
+
+"I'm supposing," he said.
+
+"And suppose," I went on, "you don't know me."
+
+"I've supposed worse things than that," said Arthur with decision.
+
+"And try further," I said, "to imagine that it's a dark night, and I
+come along and don't notice you. You'd say, 'Halt, who goes there?'
+wouldn't you?"
+
+"I should if I remembered my lines, I suppose."
+
+"Very well," I said. "Then I should say, 'Friend.'"
+
+"Well," said Arthur, "where's the catch?"
+
+"There isn't a catch," I said. "What I want to know is, how do we go on
+after that?"
+
+"I should ask you if you'd got such a thing as a cigarette about you,"
+said Arthur.
+
+"You might do that," I said, "but it doesn't sound helpful. The reason I
+ask is because I've read the instructions several times in the papers on
+the courtesies to be observed when meeting a sentry; but the scene
+always ends at this point--'Friend.' What happens next?"
+
+"Perhaps the right thing," said Arthur, "would be for you to ask after
+the Colonel's wife. But I might not let you get as far as that. The odds
+would be in favour of my not believing you when you said 'Friend,' and
+in that case I should either shoot or pink you. The choice between these
+two processes would lie with me."
+
+"But wouldn't that be rather sudden? Surely you make another remark
+first. I seem to remember something about 'sign and countersign.'"
+
+"You're thinking of trigonometry, aren't you?" said Arthur.
+
+"Perhaps I am," I said. "Anyway it's awkward not knowing what happens
+next."
+
+"I know the best way to find out," said Arthur suddenly. "Get your boots
+on. We'll go and enlist."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM AN IMPERIAL NOTE-BOOK.
+
+As I have taken occasion to tell them from time to time, God is sparing
+no effort in favour of My brave armies. The noble courage with which
+they have crushed a defenceless peasantry (who, by the way, do not seem
+to share My recognition of the Deity's support of Our methods) has
+proved them to be the authorised medium of the Divine vengeance. I am
+very pleased with both them and God.
+
+The destruction of Louvain, seat of a culture wholly distinct from the
+Prussian ideal, was an inspiration, in which I once more detect the Hand
+of Heaven. Unfortunately it has been misunderstood in neutral countries;
+and, to appease their protests, I have had to explain that this feat of
+righteous wrath has given me an attack of bleeding heart.
+
+I am despatching an Imperial telegram to the President of the Oxford
+University Boat Club to say that when My armies reach that city I may
+possibly spare Oriel for the sake of My Rhodes Scholars. This generous
+thought occurred to Me in church when I was returning thanks for the
+demolition of the library of Louvain.
+
+I have also instructed My intrepid aviators to reserve a pew for Me
+intact among the ruins of Notre Dame de Paris--for thanksgiving
+purposes.
+
+I have repeatedly warned NICHOLAS that God is against him. It is like
+his impious self-assurance to imagine that One whose services I have
+exclusively secured for My side could for a moment entertain the idea of
+supporting My enemies. I confess, however, that I had expected
+FRANZ-JOSEF, as My ally, to receive a larger portion of the Deity's
+favour than has so far fallen to him. From what I hear of the Lemberg
+affair, it looks as if his independent arrangements for Divine support
+had been inadequate. I am afraid I must leave him to get on without it
+as best he can. I shall want all I've got for my own use.
+
+I see that a new Pope has been elected at Rome. At any ordinary moment
+this world-event must have attracted the attention of Heaven. But the
+present attitude of Italy towards the Triple Alliance naturally
+precludes any Divine cognisance of her concerns. On the other hand I
+have Myself thought it expedient to address congratulations to the
+Italian who now occupies the Pontifical Chair, and have ordered the fact
+to receive due publicity as part of My subsidised Press campaign.
+
+In order that the organisers of this campaign may the better persuade
+neutral countries to accept My version of the justice of Our cause, I
+have given directions for them to appeal throughout to the God of Truth.
+We were, as usual, first in the field, and the Father of Lies has a lot
+of ground to make up.
+
+My dear son WILHELM tells Me that his own army has a tough proposition
+in front of it. I sometimes fear that he lacks the unquestioning piety
+of his Imperial Parent.
+
+I note that services are still permitted to be held in the English
+church at Dresden, but that no prayers for the success of British arms
+are allowed. In view of My monopoly of Divine protection I regard this
+precaution as unnecessary.
+
+Some blundering operator in Berlin has circulated the ridiculous report
+of a disaster to My army in France. I have ordered the fear of God to be
+put into him.
+
+Even I cannot be in two places at once, and I am too busy in exchanging
+felicitations with My Creator in the background of Our western sphere of
+operations to be able to give My benediction in person to the brave
+defenders of My beloved Prussia. My lack of the gift of omnipresence has
+always been rather a sore point with Me in My otherwise co-equal
+relations with the Almighty. I hope in course of time to have this
+corrected.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW NOAH'S ARK;
+
+OR, A WORD TO THE CHILDREN OF ENGLAND ON THE IMPORTANCE OF SEA-POWER.
+
+[_As a part of our campaign to capture Germany's trade, it has been
+suggested that Noah's Arks should in future be made in this country._]
+
+  Remove yon odious concern
+   That once outrode the mimic storm,
+  And deep in darkest shelves intern
+   Her captain and his pirate swarm:
+     Sweep, sweep, that _Dreadnought_ from the seas
+     Of England's carpets, if you please,
+     And set no more by two and two
+     On Sabbath days her bestial crew,
+  That mask with peace the Prussian uniform.
+
+  I seem to see the War-Lord's lace
+    Bedeck that bosom mild and stout;
+  Athwart yon patriarchal face
+    The Kaiser-like moustaches sprout;
+      The wideawake becomes a helm,
+      The staff a sword to overwhelm,
+      Hypocrisy stands writ and cant
+      On yonder pale-blue elephant
+  Tusk-less (Maud did it when Mamma was out).
+
+  What makes he with a lilac dove
+    This Corsair desperate and daft?
+  Behold the conning tower above
+    The big stern chasers pointing aft!
+      This is not he that saved mankind
+      With pards and pigs from tempests blind,
+      But rather he that forged a flood,
+      And not of water but of blood,
+  And filled with worse than wolves his impious craft.
+
+  But come, we'll build a larger boat
+    Of English breed, no Teuton shams,
+  Where sheltered animals shall float,
+    The lion couchant with the lambs:
+      See from the cabin's open door
+      What mild-faced dromedaries pour!
+      What SHEMS are these? what host arrives
+      Of gentler JAPHETS with their wives?
+  What antelopes? what un-Westphalian HAMS?
+
+  And sometimes, should the pageant cloy,
+    Supposing Nurse has left the room,
+  We'll take again that outcast toy
+    From the deep cupboard's inmost gloom;
+      We'll shell that buccaneering barque
+      With the good guns of England's ark;
+      We'll chase it flying like a rat
+      For some fort-guarded Ararat,
+  And leave it flotsam for Jemima's broom.
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Peace: Old and New Style.
+
+Now that the Allies have all agreed not to make separate peaces, we can
+look forward to the War stopping all at once, and not just a bit at a
+time, though of course the calendar of the Russians will allow them the
+option of keeping at it for twelve days after the others have finished.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "GLORIOUS COMPEAGNE.--For ever memorable in the annals of the
+  country will be the name of Compeigne."--_News of the World._
+
+
+Nor shall Compiegne, we hope, be utterly forgotten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: MADE IN GERMANY.
+
+KAISER. "I'M NOT QUITE SATISFIED WITH THE SWORD. PERHAPS, AFTER ALL, THE
+PEN IS MIGHTIER!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Belated Reveller._ "YOU A SPESHUL CONSHTABLE?"
+
+_Special Constable._ "YES." (_Long pause._)
+
+_B. R._ "WHAT ARMS 'AVE YER?"
+
+_S. C._ "A TRUNCHEON AND A WHISTLE, AND (_suddenly inventive, in view of
+reveller's superior physique_) A SIX-SHOOTER."
+
+_B. R._ "AH, WELL, I'M NOT TAKIN' ANY FORTRESHES TO-NIGHT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISPOSITIONS.
+
+My wife was certainly ruffled, and, more than that, she was mystified.
+She could not understand it at all.
+
+"And this is the second time," she said.
+
+"Have you questioned the servants?" I asked.
+
+"It is not likely that my servants would amuse themselves by throwing
+lumps of coal on the drawing-room carpet," she replied, "not being
+lunatics. But as a matter of fact I have questioned them."
+
+"It is the sort of thing a playful kitten might do," I suggested. "Or a
+puppy perhaps."
+
+"No, they couldn't have lifted the tongs, and the tongs were in it too,
+and three walking-sticks. It must have been children, I suppose; but I
+don't think there have been any children in the house."
+
+I found her the same afternoon studying some scratched hieroglyphics on
+the gravel in front of the house. It was quite an elaborate design with
+squares and circles and curving lines, and with a wobbly streak running
+through it. And that evening she announced once and for all that the
+house was bewitched and she gave it up. She had found a loofah, two
+sponges and some cakes of soap elaborately arranged in a pattern on the
+bathroom floor.
+
+She had not yet gathered, as I had, that it was Sinclair and the
+Reverend Henry. I do not think that these two can have been properly
+trained in their youth to put away their toys when they had finished
+with them, as all tidy children should. They had no right to go out
+suddenly and play tennis, leaving the drawing-room carpet in that
+condition.
+
+I had seen it coming on for some days. As soon as Henry has spent his
+first half-hour on the newspapers he is ripe to explain in detail the
+exact disposition of the Allied forces and "what they are evidently
+driving at." And the thing is getting very complicated. He cannot make
+you understand. He tries to draw maps on the back of envelopes, but his
+drawing is pitiable, and then naturally he reaches out at any object
+that happens to be lying on the table, planks it down for Paris or
+Verdun, and gets seriously to work. He and Sinclair were sitting before
+the unlit fire in the drawing-room when Sinclair put forth his brilliant
+hypothesis about a flanking movement on VON KLUECK'S right. Henry was
+quite certain it was wrong. He was down on his knees in a moment
+grabbing pieces of coal.
+
+"Look here," he said. "There's Chalons; and that shovel is Soissons. You
+must not forget that the Ardennes lie in behind here"--realistically
+represented by a heap of logs from the wood-basket--"and that is the
+Meuse. Of course it isn't quite so straight as that really"--he put the
+poker in position--"but that is the line of it. Very well. Can't you see
+that what he is at is to nip this force here between two fires? By Jove,
+the tongs will do splendidly for that. Might have been made for it. So.
+Well, if JOFFRE is any good--Stop a bit"--he filled both hands with
+coal--"move your chair back. There, that's Paris, and the edge of the
+fender is the Marne. Well, if JOFFRE is not asleep his game is
+obviously----"
+
+"Stop a bit," said Sinclair. "You've left out the CROWN PRINCE."
+
+"No, I haven't. That's him there in the work-basket. And you must
+remember that there are Uhlans all over the place." (I think that it
+must have been the Uhlans that chiefly exacerbated my wife when she came
+to clear up. They did reach pretty far afield, and there was quite a lot
+of them under the sofa.) "This is the Allied front"--Sinclair had
+brought him several walking-sticks by this time. "Now suppose we were to
+swing round like this--I say, do move your chair. Like this. Confound
+it, I didn't notice that little table was in the way. Why do people put
+silly little vases of flowers on tables? Mop it up, will you? Of course
+FRENCH is here. You must keep your eye on FRENCH. But----"
+
+"What about these lines of communication?"
+
+Henry paused. "Well, there's always the Belgians. I'm afraid we'll have
+to move the piano. Just give it a heave at the other end, will you?
+That'll do. Those pianola records are just the thing. No, not so near
+together. So. Now you see how it works. The whole thing from here to
+here moves sideways."
+
+"Stop a bit," says Sinclair. "You're moving Paris sideways. Whatever
+they may do to it when it falls--if it ever does--I don't think they'll
+move it sideways."
+
+Now that the Reverend Henry is no longer permitted to play with coals in
+the drawing-room or make maps on the gravel he has found an outlet on
+the breakfast-table. But he is not allowed to start till after the meal
+is over, ever since he got down early one morning and had the whole
+place laid out in army corps and fortresses, with a horrid tangle of
+knives and forks, cruet-stands, rolls, egg-cups, plates and coffee-pots,
+at the point where the main action was going on in the centre.
+
+But he is not at all satisfied with the breakfast-table. He has to crowd
+things terribly close together at one end in order to have room for the
+Eastern theatre; and Posen (a toast-rack) keeps falling off the edge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Kirkintilloch Herald_ describes the manoeuvres of a submarine
+thus:--
+
+    "Without its presence being detected, it approached within a few
+    hundred yards of a German Dreadnought, at which it discharged two
+    torpedoes. In order to escape attack the submarine was then obliged
+    to sing."
+
+Suggested song: "Get out and Get under."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We will overhaul the chassis ... if you let us undertake the work
+    now. The War will probably be over by the time the Car is ready for
+    use."--_Advt._
+
+We cannot decide whether this is an example of Commercial pessimism or
+Military optimism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "MRS. SMITHERS, IF YOU ARE UNPATRIOTIC ENOUGH TO HOARD
+YOUR FOODSTUFF, THAT IS A MATTER FOR YOUR OWN CONSCIENCE; BUT PLEASE
+REMEMBER IN FUTURE NOT TO GIVE ME A HOARDED EGG FOR BREAKFAST."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PACIFICIST.
+
+The Pacificist was very worried about it all. In the first place it
+worried him (quite honestly) that his country should ever go to war at
+all. In the second place it vexed him profoundly that the war should be
+against an enemy whose pure-souled benevolence he himself had proclaimed
+and written about for years. Most of all, perhaps, was he secretly
+irritated that these untoward events should coincide with the beginning
+of his own annual holiday at Shrimpborough.
+
+A few mornings after war was declared, the conductor of the
+Shrimpborough orchestra (a genius of cosmopolitan extraction) rose nobly
+to the occasion. From his demeanour and a certain flurry amongst the
+musicians, the Pacificist, seated prominently in the two-penny chairs,
+had about three minutes' warning of what was coming, so that when the
+conductor swung round with uplifted baton, and the audience, thrilled
+but a little self-conscious, climbed to its collective feet as the band
+crashed into the opening bars of the _Marseillaise_, the Pacificist had
+already decided upon his conduct. He sat still, even for a few moments
+he feigned to be absorbed in his favourite newspaper, but almost
+immediately gave this up as unconvincing and remained staring straight
+before him.
+
+It was perhaps not a very impressive protest. It was obviously, under
+the special circumstances of the case (which need not detain us), an
+entirely foolish and mistaken one. But he made it. He alone in that
+audience of several hundreds did not rise. A little to his secret
+disappointment the hundreds made no apparent counter-demonstration. An
+enthusiastic humming rose from them, mingled with a few easy French
+words happily introduced when occasion seemed to serve. They were far
+too preoccupied to trouble about the Pacificist. He had been prepared
+for every kind of martyrdom, for abuse, hustling, even for blows. All he
+got was a few looks of embarrassed concern from his immediate
+neighbours.
+
+To his excited imagination the tune seemed to go on and on for hours. As
+a matter of fact the genius of cosmopolitan extraction (who had not been
+extracted quite far enough to be sure of British tastes) gave the
+audience four verses where one would have been better. And all this time
+the anger of the Pacificist grew. His cheeks burned, and the excited
+pounding of his heart was like to stifle him. He knew himself one,
+alone, against hundreds; impressing them, no doubt (despite their
+pretence of indifference), with the courage of a right cause. To face
+odds like that! It was intoxicating.
+
+At last he could bear it no longer. Just as the band ceased and the rest
+of the audience subsided again to their morning papers, the Pacificist
+rose. He walked a little unsteadily. The light of battle flashed from
+his eyes, meeting and beating down what he took, erroneously, to be the
+glare of a hostile mob. (As a matter of fact no one noticed him any
+more). Stumbling, white-faced, with set lips and the face of a
+visionary, he gained the turnstile. This, this, was victory! One against
+so many! He had proved himself. He had conquered!
+
+The battle-spirit--for, despite his honest conviction, his forebears had
+been soldiers and sea-dogs--surged up within him. How splendid it was,
+this fighting down opposition! What was life, after all, but a fight? He
+had never realized that before. But now he knew. The flame that burnt in
+his blood demanded other foes, other worlds to conquer. It had become an
+urgent need with him to continue fighting; almost anyone would do.
+
+Immediately opposite to the turnstile was the open door of a large
+building; flags surmounted it, and at each side was a large proclamation
+in red and white. With shoulders squared, flashing eye, and the
+demeanour of NAPOLEON at the head of the Old Guard, the Pacificist
+entered the recruiting office. "I have come," he said fiercely, "to
+enlist!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUPER-SYMPATHY.
+
+  "The crumbling towers, the shattered fanes,
+  The havoc of the Belgian plains;
+  Dead mothers, children, priests and nuns,
+  Who fall before My conquering Huns--
+  Believe Me, friends, these grievous woes
+  Deprive Me of My due repose,
+  And, though enforced by higher need,
+  Make My Imperial bosom bleed."
+
+  As the fat spider wipes its eye
+  Over each strangulated fly;
+  As ABDUL HAMID once was fain
+  To weep for the Armenian slain;
+  As HAYNAU felt his eyelids drip
+  When women cowered beneath his whip;
+  As TORQUEMADA doubtless bled
+  With sorrow for the tortured dead--
+  So in his own peculiar style
+  Weeps the Imperial Crocodile.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IMPERIAL PRUSSIAN COLLEGE OF CULTURE.
+
+    _Telegrams_: "Kultur, Berlin."
+
+    _Principal_ Dr. von Hackheim, assisted by a large staff of
+    University Professors.
+
+Brutality is acknowledged by the most distinguished Teutonic
+psychologists to have an important place in modern warfare, as serving
+to maintain a properly submissive attitude on the part of the unarmed
+enemy, and the College has been established to complete this side in the
+training of cadets for the Imperial German field army.
+
+TRAINING BY GRAMOPHONE.
+
+Many difficulties have had to be surmounted. For instance it was found
+that, in spite of training students, proceeding to the front showed
+hesitation in the execution of non-combatants, and grew pale on first
+hearing the cries of women and children. This difficulty is being
+obviated by means of gramophone records taken in Belgium, which serve to
+inure the novice to the sounds of anguish. By the time he proceeds to
+the front no cries for mercy have any power to move him.
+
+LITERAE INHUMANIORES.
+
+The curriculum is extensive. In addition to regular musketry practice at
+moving and stationary Red Cross waggons, hospital bomb drill, etc.,
+courses of lectures are being given by thinkers of the first eminence.
+Some of the most celebrated names on the contemporary record of German
+culture are to be found in our staff list. During the coming term, for
+instance, Dr. Junker, of the BERNHARDI School of Philosophy, will give a
+series of discourses on "The Evolution of the Doctrine of Blood and
+Iron," "Infantile Mortality and its Promotion," "Philosophic Doubts
+regarding the Value of Mercy," illustrated by photographs taken in
+Louvain; and a course of lectures on "The Debt of Art to Atrocity" will
+be delivered by Professor Blutwurst, who occupies the ATTILA Chair of
+Anatomy in the University of Leipzig.
+
+RECREATION.
+
+The proper recreation of students is not neglected and sports are
+encouraged. Paper chases are held frequently, the paper torn up for the
+trail being provided by the courtesy of the Foreign Office, who supply
+the College with all treaties found upon their shelves.
+
+RECORDS IN BRUTALITY.
+
+The Principal desires it to be known that he will always be glad to hear
+from past students now serving with the Imperial Forces who have
+performed any notable act of inhumanity towards non-combatants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Teutonic Barber._ "SHAFE, SIR?"
+
+_Customer._ "YE-ES---- THAT IS, NO!---- I THINK I'LL TRY A HAIR-CUT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OUTPOST.
+
+  The lurid sunset's slanting rays
+    Incarnadine the soldier's deed;
+  His rugged countenance betrays
+    The bulldog breed.
+
+  Not his to shun the stubborn fight,
+    The combat against heavy odds,
+  Alone, unaided--'tis a sight
+    For men and gods!
+
+  And now his back is bowed and bent,
+    Now crouching, now erect, he stands,
+  And now the red life blood is sprent
+    From both his hands.
+
+  He takes his punishment on trust,
+    As one who sees and yet is blind,
+  For every lacerating thrust
+    Comes from behind.
+
+  The twilight creeps, the sun has gone,
+    But triumph fills the soldier's breast;
+  He's sewn his back brace-buttons on
+    While fully dressed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JAMES FEELS BETTER.
+
+THE Sergeant-Major was speaking.
+
+"Company--'SHUN!"
+
+We 'shunned. We stood motionless (all but one of us) waiting for his
+next words. Then he spoke again.
+
+"Blank blanket," he yelled, "what the blank are you doing?" He was
+looking at me, and my heart was in my mouth. "Blanket," he went on, "if
+you want to scratch your nose, step out here and scratch it. My blank!"
+My heart dropped back again. He must be talking to James behind me. I
+longed to look round and watch the generous waves of colour stealing
+over James's classic features, to fix with a reproachful eye that Roman
+proboscis which he had been grooming; but duty, or natural integrity of
+character, or fear of the Sergeant-Major, or something, held me fast.
+
+"Company--dis-MISS!"
+
+We turned to the right and I took James affectionately by the arm.
+"How's the neb?" I said.
+
+And then James told me what he thought of the Sergeant-Major.
+
+"Pretty good rot," he said, "talking like that to a man in my position.
+Cursing a married man with a family as if he were a rotten schoolboy. If
+I met him in ordinary life he'd say 'Sir' to me--probably ask me for a
+job, and go about in a holy fear that I was going to sack him."
+
+"Discipline, James," I said. "Think how good it is for you to be ordered
+about for a change. And think how jolly it must be for the
+Sergeant-Major to swear at well-known public men. Don't grudge him his
+little bit of pleasure. And finally, think how stimulating it is for the
+rest of us. I assure you, James, there's nothing more bracing to a man
+than to hear another man being cursed."
+
+James muttered to himself. We lit our pipes and sat down among some
+other members of our platoon. James was silent, but we others talked
+eagerly about the difference between "Right form" and "On the right form
+company," and other matters which had suddenly become of great
+importance.
+
+"Let's go and have a little private drill," said one of the keen ones.
+
+"It'll only turn into a rag," I said.
+
+"But of course we shall have to agree to take it seriously and obey
+orders. Who'll come?"
+
+About ten of us offered ourselves. I looked at James; to my surprise he
+jumped up quickly. We went off to a corner of the field, and lined up
+two deep.
+
+"And now who'll drill us?" said James.
+
+We all hung back nervously. To obey an order as one of ten is so much
+easier than to give an order as one of one.
+
+"I will, if you like," said James doubtfully, "but I'm not sure if----"
+
+"Go on," we all said; "have a try."
+
+James stepped out of the ranks and faced us.
+
+"Cover off, there," he said briskly. "Squad--_'shun_!" We were five
+files, and I was No. 3 in the front rank. "Stand at--_ease_ ... Number
+Three, what the blank are you smoking for? Number Three--the stout one
+in the front rank. Put that pipe away, Private Haldane. Blanket, Sir,
+this isn't a Cabinet meeting; you're drilling."
+
+"Steady, James, old man," I said.
+
+"Silence in the ranks! Two days cells for Private Haldane--both of them
+week-days. 'Shun! Number!... Form _fours_!"
+
+We formed fours. Of course it is absurdly easy, even with an odd number
+of files, but it is also absurdly easy to forget.
+
+"As you were!" shouted James. "The last file is always an even number.
+Surely you ought to know that by this time, Private Kitchener. The
+fourth file--Private Asquith and Private Tree, chest out, Private
+Tree--the fourth file stands fast. 'Form _fours_! Right _turn_! Form two
+_deep_! 'Bout _turn_! Form _fours_! I thought so; Private Tree is wrong
+again. _Silence_, Private Haldane! Private Haldane will be shot at dawn
+to-morrow. Private Tree will be shot at dawn on the day after, this
+giving him time to prepare his farewell speech. Right _turn_! Where
+_are_ you, Private Carson? Try and remember that you're not reviewing
+troops just now; you're attempting to decide as quickly as possible
+which is your right hand and which is your left. You'll find it a much
+harder job. The Army Corps will advance. By the right, quick _march_!
+Step out, Private Tich, my lad, step out."
+
+James was now thoroughly enjoying himself.
+
+"Left _incline_! Theirs not to reason why, Private Kipling; if I had
+meant 'right incline, and stop at the canteen,' I should have said
+so.... Tut-tut, Private Tree, 'left incline' doesn't mean 'advance like
+a crab'.... Right _incline_! And now where are you, Private Masterman?
+Left behind _again_. Halt! Dress up by the right. Blanket, Private
+Haldane, you're _still_ talking. Private Haldane will be blown from the
+guns at dusk. As you were. It's no good taking half measures with
+Private Haldane; kindness is wasted on him. Private Haldane will be
+stopped jam for tea this afternoon."
+
+And then a smile came over James's face. He repressed it, drew himself
+up, and surveyed us sternly.
+
+"Squad, _'shun_! Scratch--_noses_!"
+
+       * * *
+
+"Thank you, I feel much better," said James.
+
+    A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISCOVERERS' RIGHTS.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Unless the blackberrying season is to be utterly ruined
+and thousands of homes thus rendered poisonously unhappy, something must
+be done to make people play the game.
+
+Why is it that this simple little fruit should have such a bad influence
+on otherwise nice persons? But it has. It makes them utterly selfish and
+inconsiderate.
+
+Take our experience last week on the Common. We went out with
+baskets--three of us--Elsa, Dolores, and me, and, after hunting about
+for some time and getting fearfully scratched, we came upon a perfectly
+priceless group of bushes which no one had discovered.
+
+The blackberries were there in millions, ripe too, and all sparkling in
+that patent-leather way which makes the mouth water and prevents as many
+getting into the basket as ought to. We were of course fearfully bucked
+by finding such a spot, and began at once in earnest. Judge then of our
+dismay when another party of blackberriers, attracted, I imagine, by our
+cries of rapture, came up and began picking too! These were the two
+Misses Blank, whom we know very slightly. They ought, of course, to have
+gone right away and done their own discovering. Instead of that they
+just nodded, and then snatched away at our bushes as though they were in
+their own garden. One of them even came up to a bush on which Elsa was
+engaged. What was she to do? She could not remonstrate, as we knew them
+so slightly, so she abandoned the bush with a gesture of contempt which
+should have made a dummy blush, but had no effect whatever on these
+thick-skinned Prussians, as we now believe they must be. Probably their
+real name is Fressen, Elsa thinks.
+
+Common decency (I don't mean this for a joke, but I suppose it is one)
+should prevent anybody from going to a place discovered by somebody
+else; and why I write is to ask you if there is not an unwritten law
+against such conduct, and if so will you make it widely known?
+
+It would be dreadful if all the blackberrying parties during this
+September and October were to be ruined by people like the Misses
+Fressen.
+
+    I am,    Yours faithfully,
+    FAIR PLAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: BY REQUEST.
+
+_Visitor (to Percy of "The Mauve Merriments.")_ "WHAT WOULD YOU CHARGE
+TO SING 'IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY' INTO AUNTIE'S EAR-TRUMPET?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT CAMPAIGN.
+
+The formal declaration of war (altogether unexpected by the best minds
+of the community, though the opposing armies had been mobilised for a
+month previously), came like a bolt from the blue on September 1st. In
+an instant the whole country was engaged in sanguinary conflict. We give
+with reserve the following reports which have reached us from our
+correspondents at the front:--
+
+CIVILIANS IN THE BATTLE LINE.
+
+On the north-eastern frontier a keen encounter occurred between the
+famous Albion South End Corps and an invading division of the
+redoubtable Cockspur troops. Fifteen thousand spectators from posts of
+vantage round the field witnessed the fearful onslaught of the enemy.
+Civilians were so moved by the imminent peril of the home troops that,
+arming themselves with stones and bottles, and shouting "----" (excised
+by Censor), they flung themselves on the wings of the invading army and
+utterly routed them. It is rumoured that the Cockspurs contemplate
+reprisals. In the event of the South End Corps invading their country it
+is believed that all civilians will fight to the death against the
+invader.
+
+THE OLD BRITISH SPIRIT.
+
+Thrilling scenes were witnessed at the opening of the Ealham Thursday
+campaign. A huge crowd, thirsting for a sight of the conflict, gathered
+in the confines of the battlefield. A force of blue-clad mercenaries
+held them in check for a time. But thirty thousand volunteers are worth
+more than a hundred paid men. With magnificent unanimity the Britons
+formed in column. The dense black mass pressed forward. For a moment the
+conflict was fearful. Then the thin blue line of the mercenaries gave
+way and they fled in disgraceful rout. A moment later thirty thousand
+unconquerable Britons, laden with booty from the pay-boxes, stood
+triumphant on the shilling reserved mound. That wonderful charge had
+captured the position.
+
+OUTRAGES ON NON-COMBATANTS.
+
+We record with deep regret a violation of the laws of war by the General
+of the Shatterham Wanderers army. In the heat of the combat with the
+Notts Strollers brigade he ignored the whistled appeal for an armistice
+to pick up the wounded. Proceeding steadily he fired a deadly shot into
+the enemy's fortifications. A neutral officer, under the protection of
+the Red Cross, courageously protested against this infamy. In an excess
+of military fury the General smote the neutral officer to the earth. It
+is believed that, unless the offending General be instantly submitted to
+a regular court-martial, the Shatterham Wanderers' army will be solemnly
+declared outside the pale of humanity. (NOTE.--The Censor allows the
+foregoing account to be printed but disclaims all responsibility for its
+correctness.)
+
+BRILLIANT RECRUITING CAMPAIGN.
+
+Great weakness has been observed amongst the advanced sharpshooters of
+the Bullington Arsenal corps. "We must have men at any cost," said their
+determined Secretary. A cheering crowd attended him to the station as he
+set out for ---- (excision by the Censor), accompanied by two
+commissionaires bearing armoured bags of bullion. A rumour reaches us
+that at the cost of four thousand pounds the Secretary has secured two
+famous shots. Great anxiety is felt in Bullington. Crowds gather round
+the headquarters of the corps and ask, "Will they come in time?"
+
+LATER.--A wire from Scotland confirms the news. The Union Jack is flying
+over the headquarters. It is felt that the great recruiting campaign has
+saved Britain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "HELLO, MARIA! STOPPED SEWING FOR TO-DAY?"
+
+"YES, SAMPSON. I THINK THERE IS MORE NEED OF MEN THAN OF PYJAMAS. I HAVE
+DECIDED TO PART WITH YOU, AND SHALL GIVE YOU TO LORD KITCHENER--MYSELF!
+GET YOUR HAT ON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TIRPITZ TOUCH.
+
+(_A new nautical ballad._)
+
+  They faced the winds, the waves, the fogs,
+    For they were a gallant band,
+  And they ventured forth, the bold sea dogs,
+    From the bight of Heligoland.
+
+  Six ships of war they steamed along,
+    Audacious and yet discreet,
+  When lo! on the skyline, fifteen strong,
+    They sighted another fleet.
+
+  Oh! theirs was indeed a perilous choice,
+    'Twas a case of fight or flee,
+  When the captain cried in a resolute voice,
+    "Let us fight, my lads," cried he.
+
+  "Long have we panted to come to grips,
+    And here we shall gain our wish;
+  Moreover, I fancy that yonder ships
+    Have nothing on board but fish."
+
+  Then up spake a grizzled _Goeben_ lad,
+    "We be far from land or fort;
+  I should feel more safe if I knew we had
+    A battleship in support."
+
+  "There be six of us, and fifteen of them;
+    Have a care while the odds are thus;
+  We may rake 'em with shell from stern to stem,
+    But they might throw herrings at us."
+
+  The captain he said, "Take heart of grace;
+    There's many a risk to run;
+  A herring's an awkward thing to face,
+    But it's not so bad as a gun."
+
+  "My mariners all, be not afraid
+    To venture on bold designs;
+  Remember ye come of the stock that made
+    The North Sea stiff with mines."
+
+  "So clear the decks for a scrap, my braves,
+    Since fight ye must and shall,
+  Like sons of the men who rule the waves,
+    The waves of the Kiel Canal."
+
+  So all that day they fought and drank
+    Of the battle's fierce delight,
+  And blazed and blazed away till they sank
+    Those trawling boats ere night.
+
+  Then they steamed away, Yeo ho! Yeo ho!
+    Brave men who had gained their wish,
+  With lots of captives of war in tow,
+    And any amount of fish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Distinction.
+
+    "The members of the Cheltenham Club do not play on Sundays; the
+    ladies and gentlemen of the Cotswold Hills Club do play on the
+    Sabbath."--_The Homefinder._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: HAIL! RUSSIA!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE LAST OF THE NUTS OF SANDY COVE;
+
+OR, HOW TO MAKE USE OF OUR STAY-AT-HOMES.
+
+_Lady in the background (also engaged in making night-wear for the
+wounded)._ "I SAY! I WONDER IF YOU WOULD BE SO GOOD AS TO LEND HIM TO US
+WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED WITH HIM."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE RT. HON. JOHN BURNS FAILS TO RECOGNISE HIS PORTRAIT
+AS PAINTED BY A GERMAN PRESS AGENCY ARTIST.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Wednesday, Sept. 9._--Parliament met again after
+brief recess. Compared with recent rushes at critical epochs, attendance
+scanty. Among absentees the SPEAKER, who has well earned the holiday
+deferred by exigencies of war.
+
+PREMIER in place at Question time. Did not stop long. Expected to make
+statement on position and prospects of Home Rule and Welsh Church Bills.
+As his magnificent speech at Guildhall testified afresh, when occasion
+arises he can say the right thing in perfect phrase. Constitutionally is
+disinclined to talk.
+
+No absolute need to make preliminary statement. Everyone knows these
+matters are settled; nor are details of settlement a secret. Prorogation
+will be decreed early next week, and, in accordance with provisions of
+Parliament Act, Home Rule Bill and Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill
+will be added to Statute Book. But an interval will elapse before they
+become operative, an opportunity to be used for final effort to arrive
+at compromise between conflicting parties.
+
+Proceedings, in the main formal, varied by reading of statement from
+VICEROY describing how chiefs and people of India are each all one in
+enthusiastic loyalty in the hour of England's need, and how lavish are
+their offers of help. Reading of Eastern story received with outbursts
+of cheering.
+
+"No one to say a good word for the Scourge of Louvain. But let us give
+the----, I mean the KAISER, his due. At a stroke he effected the
+long-time impossible feat of welding Ireland into a loyal entity
+enthusiastically ready to draw the sword in aid of its long-estranged
+Sister across the Channel. Less than a year ago India was in state of
+ominous unrest that found partial expression in attempt on life of
+VICEROY. The KAISER, secretly plotting treacherous design on a friend
+and neighbour accustomed to lavish hospitality upon him, took note of
+these things. Confidently counted them in when reckoning up his game,
+and arranging time and opportunity for opening it. And lo! when he
+stands unmasked, he finds among the trustiest wings of the Empire's Army
+those supplied by India and Ireland." Thus the MEMBER FOR SARK mused on
+his way to the Club to read the latest telegrams from the seat of war.
+
+_Business done._--Various emergency Bills advanced a stage.
+
+_Thursday._--Five weeks ago, when Declaration of War with Germany boomed
+across Europe, PREMIER asked the Commons to sanction increase of Army by
+half-a-million men. Reply enthusiastically affirmative. To-day comes
+down again and, like a young person who shall here be nameless, "asks
+for more."
+
+National response to recruitment of first batch most gratifying. Save
+60,000 men the half-million already enrolled. At present rate of
+progress another couple of days or so will see number completed.
+Meanwhile PREMIER asks for another half-million.
+
+These forthcoming, and in present mood of nation there is no doubt on
+subject, "We shall be in a position," he added, "to put something like
+1,200,000 men in the field," a sight that would make WELLINGTON, not to
+mention MARLBOROUGH, stare.
+
+With that patriotic zeal that has marked attitude of Opposition since
+war began BONAR LAW warmly supported proposal. Vote agreed to without
+debate or division.
+
+_Business done._--Having voted additional half-million men for Army,
+House adjourned till Monday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"BLUFF KING HAL."
+
+The arrangements for the production of Mr. LOUIS PARKER'S pageant-comedy
+had of course been made long before war was contemplated. The completion
+of Mr. BOURCHIER'S beard in itself points to a comparatively remote date
+for the play's inception. Certainly there is nothing very apposite in
+its theme at the present juncture; for HARRY OF ENGLAND, suffering from
+the gout, blustering into a sixth marriage, and haunted by the ghosts of
+four dead wives and the wraith of the sole survivor, is not a figure
+precisely calculated to inspire patriotic fervour. Still, the
+circumstances of the play are sufficiently national, and it should serve
+well enough as a permissible distraction for non-combatants.
+
+You need not be terrified by the complexity of the cast, which consists
+of twenty prominent characters, twenty-four in smaller type, four ghosts
+and a wraith, and a sprinkling of nameless "halberdiers, huntsmen,
+minstrels, servitors, etc." (The soldier-supers--a type not to be
+confused with the super-soldier--were a very scratch lot; and I must
+hope that this defect was due to the enlistment of the more martial
+spirits in the profession.) The history of the period is made easy for
+all intelligences, and the relations of _Katharine Parr_ with her lover,
+_Sir Thomas Seymour_, furnish a clear thread of human interest.
+
+It was pleasant to make the acquaintance of two future Queens--_Mary_
+and _Elizabeth_--at the less familiar stages of girlhood. _Mary_, very
+nicely played by Miss MINA LEONESI, showed no sign of her subsequent
+taste for blood; but Miss KATHLEEN JONES, in the part of the pedantic
+little _Princess Elizabeth_, gave us some very happy premonitions of the
+domineering qualities of the Virgin Queen. The tiny _Prince Edward_,
+too, who was prepared to compose an epithalamium for his royal parent's
+final wedlock, already gave promise of a scholarly career. Apart,
+however, from the charm of Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH as _Katharine Parr_, and
+the gentle dignity of Miss ALICE LONNON as _Anne Askew_, there was
+little distinction shown by the others, though the _Lord Chancellor
+Wriothesley_ of Mr. HUMPHREYS, and Mr. BURTON'S _Bishop Gardiner_,
+conducted their villainies with a proper restraint.
+
+The honours of the evening obviously went to Mr. HUGO RUMBOLD, who
+devised the admirable scenery and costumes, and to Mr. BOURCHIER in the
+title-_role_. By nature and constitution he is clearly made for this
+part of all others. Occasionally, in asides, his voice was the voice of
+Mr. BOURCHIER, but for the rest he identified himself with the
+undefeatable _Hal_. I hope he may be persuaded to retain the monarch's
+beard as a permanent feature; for, as a finished product, it suits him
+well in private life; and, if he is to make a practice of playing the
+part of _Henry VIII._, whether to the words of SHAKSPEARE or Mr. PARKER,
+I would not, for his own sake and that of his many friends, have him
+renew the horrific processes of its growth.
+
+    O. S.
+
+"THE IMPOSSIBLE WOMAN."
+
+The joy of _Tante_ (from which novel Mr. HADDON CHAMBERS has adapted
+this play) was that many chapters went by before the reader realised
+that _Madame Okraska_ was indeed an impossible woman. One began by
+liking her; went on to criticise; decided that she wasn't so nice as the
+author intended her to be; and then discovered suddenly that she wasn't
+intended to be a sympathetic character at all, and that, in fact, our
+changing attitude towards her had been just the changing attitude which
+would have been ours in real life. That was Miss ANNE DOUGLAS SEDGWICK'S
+art. She took her time. Mr. CHAMBERS on the stage has not the time to
+take.
+
+And so "_Tante_" is shown to us at once as a histrionic vampire, feeding
+on the admiration and love of others. _Gregory Jardine_, in love with
+her ward, _Karen_, has already seen through her; we have seen through
+her; the question is, when will _Karen_ see through her. Forget about
+the book and you have the foundation of a good play here, on which Mr.
+CHAMBERS has built skilfully. I gather from the fact that he took alone
+the call for "Author" that he would wish us to forget about the book. I
+cannot quite do that, but I can say with confidence that whoever has not
+read _Tante_ will enjoy _The Impossible Woman_ fully, and that the
+others will at least find it interesting.
+
+Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY was a superb _Okraska_. Since she had to reveal
+herself plainly to the audience, the temptation to overplay the part
+must have been great, but she resisted it nobly. Mr. GODFREY TEARLE,
+still a little apt to smile at the wrong moment, was a thoroughly
+efficient _Gregory_; but Miss HILDA BAYLEY did not give me a very clear
+idea of Mr. CHAMBERS' _Karen_, and was certainly not Miss SEDGWICK'S.
+Miss MAY WHITTY and Mr. HENRY EDWARDS, in the small but important parts
+of _Mrs. Talcot_ and _Franz Lippheim_, were of very great assistance to
+the play.
+
+    M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "I DUNNO 'OO NANCY IS--BUT THAT THERE KAYZER CAN'T BE NO
+GENTLEMAN TO STAND BY AN' SEE 'ER KNOCKED ABAHT!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Motto for German sailors who have sunk several herring-boats:--_Nemo
+repente fuit Tirpitzimus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Member of Relief Committee (taking down "all
+particulars.")_ "THANK YOU, THAT'S ALL. OH, BY THE WAY, I HAVEN'T GOT
+YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TEETH-SETTING.
+
+  When the thunder-shaking German hosts are marching over France--
+  Lo, the glinting of the bayonet and the quiver of the lance!--
+  When a rowdy rampant KAISER, stout and mad and middle-aged,
+  Strips his breast of British Orders just to prove that he's enraged;
+          When with fire and shot and pillage
+          He destroys each town and village;
+  When the world is black with warfare, then there's one thing you
+        must do:--
+  Set your teeth like steel, my hearties, and sit tight and see it through.
+
+  Oh, it's heavy work is fighting, but our soldiers do it well--
+  Lo, the booming of the batteries, the clatter of the shell!--
+  And it's weary work retiring, but they kept a dauntless front,
+  All our company of heroes who have borne the dreadful brunt.
+          They can meet the foe and beat him,
+          They can scatter and defeat him,
+  For they learnt a steady lesson (and they taught a lesson, too),
+  Having set their teeth in earnest and sat tight and seen it through.
+
+  Then their brothers trooped to join them, taking danger for a bride,
+  Not in insolence and malice, but in honour and in pride;
+  Caring nought to be recorded on the muster-roll of fame,
+  So they struck a blow for Britain and the glory of her name.
+          Toil and wounds could but delight them,
+          Death itself could not affright them,
+  Who went out to fight for freedom and the red and white and blue,
+  While they set their teeth as firm as flint and vowed to see it through.
+
+    R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPORTS AND EXPORTS.
+
+[_A German cargo of lead has been captured._]
+
+  It is not lost to you, so make no moan;
+    You shall receive it back, O Potsdam pundit;
+  We do but take a temporary loan,
+    Intending to refund it.
+
+  And goodly interest it shall not lack,
+    A generous rate per cent. for every particle;
+  We take the raw material, sending back
+    The manufactured article.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.
+
+V.--A HUNTING MORN.
+
+(_In the approved manner of the Sporting Feuilleton._)
+
+Setting his teeth determinedly, Ralph Wonderson swarmed up the
+Virginia-creeper until he reached the closely-shuttered window. Here he
+clung precariously with one hand while with the other he produced a
+gimlet and noiselessly bored two holes in the green shutters. Was he too
+late? The question shot through his brain. With a quick intake of breath
+he applied an eye to one hole and an ear to the other and watched and
+listened.
+
+In the lighted room before him sat Sir Ernest Scrivener (_alias_
+Marmaduke Moorsdyke) and a brutal-looking stranger. Sir Ernest was
+speaking.
+
+"Everything, I think, is ready," he said in his cold, level voice. "The
+wedding is to take place in the village church to-morrow at eleven. You,
+Ragley, will take up your position, disguised as a policeman, by the
+church porch, arrest Wonderson on a charge of arson, and detain him
+until I arrive, if I should not be already there. I have here the
+policeman's uniform complete. We are cub-hunting to-morrow morning, and
+at the proper moment I shall leave the hunt and make my way across to
+the church, provided with the forged warrant of arrest (which I shall,
+as a magistrate, hand to you), the forged death certificate of my
+present wife, and the forged special licence for the marriage of Lady
+Margaret Tamerton and myself. You will then rush Wonderson off in the
+motor which will be waiting, and I shall proceed to marry Lady Margaret.
+Yes--yes, everything is quite ready."
+
+"There's just one thing, Sir," said Ragley, "if you'll excuse me
+mentioning it. Supposing as how the lady refuses like."
+
+Sir Ernest tossed away his half-smoked cigar and smiled evilly.
+
+"That has been foreseen," he said. "The shock of Wonderson's arrest will
+cause her to feel faint. I shall have ready a bottle of smelling salts.
+I need not go into details ... drugs ... loss of will power ... you
+see...."
+
+The blood boiling in Ralph's ears prevented him from hearing more. Only
+the sight of the two murderous-looking revolvers on the table and the
+knowledge that he could not afford to take risks at this juncture
+stopped him from tearing open the shutters and dashing into the room.
+
+Sir Ernest rose to his feet and simultaneously Ralph slid down the
+creeper and regained _terra firma_. His mind was working rapidly.
+
+       * * *
+
+The meet of the Chingerley Hunt made a gay spectacle. The red coats of
+the men and the fascinating Parisian _toilettes_ of the ladies shone
+resplendently in the morning sunshine, while the champing of the horses'
+bits blended harmoniously with the choiring of numberless larks. Through
+the brilliant throng moved the Master, Sir Ernest Scrivener, bowing his
+greetings right and left as he passed.
+
+A few minutes before the hour fixed for the start the approach of a
+solitary horseman caused many eyebrows to lift in surprise, while Sir
+Ernest for an instant went white to the teeth. Then he laughed
+scornfully.
+
+"Why, Wonderson!" cried one of the Hunt. "What on earth are you doing
+here? I understood you were being married this morning."
+
+"That is so," replied Ralph easily. "But I see no reason why I shouldn't
+hunt first. DRAKE, you know, played bowls during a crisis, and NERO
+fiddled."
+
+As he spoke he watched Sir Ernest narrowly. The Master was making his
+way towards the iron cage in which the fox cub was imprisoned. Ralph
+edged his horse insensibly nearer.
+
+Amid the eager plaudits of the Hunt Sir Ernest leaned down from his
+saddle and raised the catch with a flourish. As he did so a packet of
+papers fell from his breast pocket.
+
+In a flash the released cub had pounced upon the papers and carried them
+off in his mouth. With a savage oath Sir Ernest plunged his spurs into
+his horse's flanks and gave chase. Ralph, perceiving instantly what had
+happened and guessing the all-important nature of the papers, was by him
+in a stride. Side by side the pair thundered along, while behind them
+the hounds and hunters streamed out in a confused and glittering medley.
+They were off! The hunt was up.
+
+Crouching low on the necks of their panting steeds, the two protagonists
+swept forward, plying remorselessly whip and spur, curb and snaffle. For
+a time neither gained an inch. Then, without warning, the fox doubled.
+With a single turn of his iron wrist Ralph wrenched his horse round
+without the loss of a second, but as he glanced back over his shoulder
+he perceived that the Master was only twenty yards behind. Ralph
+redoubled his efforts, his eyes glued to the white bundle clenched in
+the cub's dripping jaws.
+
+Through field and farmyard, by barn and byre, over rick and river, they
+sped, and ever the gap between the fox and Ralph lessened, while the gap
+between Ralph and Sir Ernest grew wider, and the savage baying of the
+hounds, mingled with the frenzied view halloos of the Hunt, receded
+further into the distance. Never had the Chingerley Hunt known such a
+chase.
+
+At last Ralph recognized that his chance had come. Leaning over his
+horse's ears, he took careful aim and slashed out with his long whip.
+Unerringly the lash coiled round the papers and jerked them from the
+fox's mouth. A single glance showed him that they were, as he had
+anticipated, the forged documents.
+
+Two minutes later Sir Ernest found the exhausted fox lying insensible by
+the roadside. Glancing up, he perceived Ralph vanishing over the crest
+of a hill.
+
+"Curse him!" he muttered savagely. "Curse him! I must and will overtake
+him before he reaches the church or the game is up. If I take a short
+cut under the hill I can outwit him yet. Curse him again!"
+
+Mercilessly lashing his foaming horse, he galloped in the direction of
+the church. As he rode a sense of the urgency of the situation grew upon
+him. If he arrived first, Wonderson could be arrested, if necessary at
+the pistol's point, before he entered the churchyard, and the papers
+recovered. If he was too late.... He plunged his spurs an inch deep into
+his weary mount.
+
+At length the desperate Mazeppa-like dash was over. As he shot through
+the lych-gate Sir Ernest breathed a sigh of relief. A policeman stood by
+the church porch awaiting him. Wonderson had been beaten.
+
+With an ugly laugh of triumph he swung himself from the horse. Stolidly
+the constable turned to face him. Sir Ernest gave one startled
+exclamation as he saw, not Ragley, but a stranger. He had been
+forestalled.
+
+The heavy hand of a second policeman fell on his shoulder from behind.
+
+"Sir Ernest Scrivener," said a voice solemnly, "I arrest you on a charge
+of forgery, and I advise you to come quietly."
+
+Sir Ernest glanced round and saw that he was completely surrounded by
+police.
+
+As the handcuffs clicked over his wrists there crashed above him the
+joyous clamour of wedding bells.
+
+       * * *
+
+Ralph Wonderson paused for a moment at the lych-gate, his lovely
+fair-haired bride clinging to his arm. Standing in the mellow beauty of
+the English landscape they made a memorable picture. A red-coated
+figure, covered with the stains of hard riding, approached them, bowing
+low. In his hand he held a magnificent fox's brush.
+
+"This has been unanimously awarded to you, Sir," he said, "as a memento
+of the finest ride in the annals of the Chingerley Hunt."
+
+And, as Ralph and his bride raised the brush to their lips, from the
+admiring throng which pressed about them went up that thrilling
+immemorial hunting chorus, "_Tally-ho! Yoicks forrard! Rah! Rah!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER MANIFESTO.
+
+We, the undersigned, having carefully considered the situation in all
+its bearings and applications, have come to the decision that it is no
+longer consonant with the self-respect of Englishmen to share a name
+with the great swollen-headed German aggressor--the despiser of
+treaties, the desecrator of Belgium and the foe of the liberty of the
+world. We therefore give notice that from now and henceforward we
+renounce the name of William in all its variations.
+
+  (_Signed_)
+
+    WILLIAM ARCHER.
+
+    WILLIAM ASHMEAD-BARTLETT.
+
+    WILLIAM BOOSEY.
+
+    BURGLAR BILL (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIE CLARKSON.
+
+    WILL CROOKS.
+
+    WILLIAM DE MORGAN.
+
+    WILL EVANS.
+
+    GULIELMO FERRERO.
+
+    WILLIAM GUNN.
+
+    WILLIAM KNIGHT.
+
+    WILLIAM LE QUEUX.
+
+    WILHELM MEISTER (Shade of).
+
+    BILLY MERSON.
+
+    WILLIAM OSLER.
+
+    WILLY POGANY.
+
+    WILLIAM RAMSAY.
+
+    WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIAM THE SILENT (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIAM STRANG.
+
+    BILL SIKES (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIAM WATSON.
+
+    WILLIAM WHITELEY, LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _A Pufflecombe Worthy speaks._ "YOU BE TELLING US, JAMES
+BUZZICOTT, 'BOUT THIS 'ERE LOOVANE THERE'S S'MUCH TARK OVER IN THE
+PAPERS, AN' THE DESTRUCTION OF A GRAN' OLE BUILDING. BUT WOT DO EE ZAY,
+JAMES BUZZICOTT, 'BOUT PUFFLECOMBE AND T'OLD 'BELL AN' HORNS' IF US BE
+INVADED? WOT DO EE ZAY 'BOUT THAT?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IT'S AN ILL WIND....
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I thought you would like to hear about the Intelligence
+Bureau which we have established at home since the War broke out. It is
+run on German lines and so far has been most successful, although there
+are serious risks.
+
+Clarence thought of it. He is my cleverest brother. He got the idea from
+a newspaper. Before the War we weren't allowed to read anything in the
+papers but the cricket scores, but now we may read all.
+
+The Bureau works like this. Clarence goes to mother and says, "May we go
+fishing this afternoon?" Mother says "No," and hurries off to the sewing
+meeting somewhere. They are all making things for soldiers, and
+soldiers' wives and children, and Belgian peasants. Briefly, when she's
+gone, Clarence writes on a piece of paper the fact that Mother has no
+objection to our fishing, shows it to our governess, and off we go.
+Isn't that clever of Germany? When mother returns she forgets to ask of
+the governess what we have been doing, and it is all right.
+
+The other week-end mother went away and wrote to Clarence that we were
+to be sure to go to the children's service on Sunday afternoon. Clarence
+read the letter aloud, and when it came to that part he said, instead of
+"children's service on Sunday afternoon," something about a picnic on
+Monday. That is what he calls editing, which is the special duty of an
+Intelligence Bureau.
+
+Hoping that other children may find our example useful,
+
+    I remain,
+    Yours truly,
+
+    BETH MANN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Return to Culture.
+
+"GERMANS FALLING BACK ON THE MUSE."
+
+_North Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARMS AND THE WOMAN.
+
+I was working in the garden, tidying up after the weekly visit of the
+jobbing gardener, when Bolsover put his head over the hedge. "Heard
+about the Pottingers' governess?" he asked excitedly.
+
+"The Pottingers' governess?" I repeated. "No; what about her? Has she
+given them notice?"
+
+"Well, she's not exactly the Pottingers' governess," he replied, "but
+governess to some intimate friends of theirs named Ings living at
+Ponders End. Anyhow, I can absolutely vouch for the truth of the story."
+
+"Get on," I said. "Don't keep me on tenterhooks. What's she done?"
+
+"Why, the police have discovered that she's a German spy," said Bolsover
+mysteriously.
+
+"'Angels and ministers of grace de ---- '"
+
+"Yes," he went on, "she had been with them three years, teaching the
+children '_Ich bin geworden sein_,' and '_Hast du die Tochter des Loewen
+gesehen_,' and all that. It appears that the police called at the house
+one night recently and insisted on searching her room and her trunks.
+Mr. Ings protested; said they'd made a mistake, pledged his word on her
+honour and integrity, but all with no avail. They searched and
+found--what _do_ you think?"
+
+"I'll buy it," I said; "Uncle Jasper's coming to lunch with me. What did
+they find?"
+
+"It's no catch," protested Bolsover, "but the solid truth. They found in
+one of her trunks a German service-rifle and a quantity of ammunition."
+
+"Never!" I exclaimed.
+
+"Only once," retorted Bolsover. "She's now in a Concentration Camp near
+Hendon."
+
+I thought no more about the matter until midway through lunch. We were
+waiting for the _souffle_ when--
+
+"Have you heard that story about a German?" Uncle Jasper and I began
+simultaneously.
+
+"After you, Uncle," I said dutifully. "What were you going to say?"
+
+"I was about to ask you if you had heard the story of the Polworths'
+governess," he said.
+
+"No," I answered. "Tell me. You refer to the Polworths of Croydon?"
+
+"Exactly. Well, they--or rather some friends of theirs named Culverton,
+living at Purley--had a German governess who had been in the family for
+some years. A night or two ago the police----"
+
+But I needn't repeat it. In all essentials it was Bolsover's story over
+again, the only differences being that they found three bombs and that
+the governess was incarcerated at Horsham.
+
+In the afternoon I accompanied Uncle Jasper to the railway station. On
+my way home I met the Vicar, and we fell to discussing the war.
+Eventually the conversation got to espionage.
+
+"That reminds me," said the Vicar, "of a very strange case in the
+household of one of my parishioners--or it would be more correct to say
+that what I am going to tell you occurred in the house of a friend of
+his at Canterbury. However, the _bona fides_ of the facts is absolutely
+unimpeachable. It appears that----"
+
+And here followed another version of the governess episode, identical in
+all respects with those of Bolsover and Uncle Jasper, save only that the
+police found a loaded revolver and a plan of Chatham Dockyard, and that
+the woman had been deported.
+
+That same evening I dined at old Colonel Jevers', and when the ladies
+had withdrawn to the drawing-room our host began--
+
+"Talking about the war reminds me of a most extraordinary spy story I
+heard to-day about a German governess."
+
+All the men exchanged glances and smiled. The Colonel continued--"I can
+say at once that what I am going to tell you is authentic, for the
+events actually happened to the man who told me--I daresay some of you
+know Bickerton?--or rather to an old friend of his, which, under the
+circumstances, is practically the same thing. Well, this friend of
+Bickerton's, whose name was--"
+
+"Ings, Mullens, Doddridge, Finlayson," we all, except young Pitts,
+murmured _sotto voce_.
+
+"... Potherby, lived at--"
+
+"Ponders End, Woking, Cleckheaton, Norwich," we added in a similar
+manner.
+
+"... Maidstone, and for some time had had in his employ a German
+governess."
+
+And so the tale went on until the Colonel got to the searching of the
+trunk. "... and in it was found...."
+
+"A service-rifle, three bombs, a loaded revolver, plans of
+fortifications," we supplied as before.
+
+"... incriminating letters showing clearly that for years the woman had
+been in communication with the German Secret Service Bureau," concluded
+our host.
+
+Young Pitts left with me and walked to my house.
+
+"I didn't hear any asides from you while the Colonel was repeating that
+hoary old yarn," I said as we reached the gate. "Hadn't you heard it
+before?"
+
+"I heard it in the train this morning," Pitts answered.
+
+"You don't believe it, surely?"
+
+"Of course not. Amongst other reasons, because the man in whose house
+the events were supposed to have taken place happens, I know, to be a
+bachelor, and would not therefore require the services of a German
+governess."
+
+"Who was the person referred to in the version you heard?" I asked.
+
+"You," he replied.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _London Scot (proud of his English)._ "AW'LL BE HAME
+ABOOT EICHT O'CLOCK THE NICHT, AN'----"
+
+_Voice of Operator (obedient to Government instructions)._ "NO FOREIGN
+LANGUAGES, PLEASE."
+
+[_Cut off._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Footwork.
+
+    "In a comparatively short time now, summer gardens will have to be
+    overhauled, the bedding-out plants taken up, cuttings taken, and the
+    ground prepared for next spring's display; all of which will be
+    labour usually regarded as _manual_, but which is well within the
+    capabilities of a strong intelligent woman."--_Country Life._
+
+Who would of course regard such labour as womanual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Forming a hollow square in front of Webbe Tent, Lord Grenfell
+    addressed the corps, and complimented them on the work they had done
+    and their smart appearance."
+
+    _The Contingent._
+
+After which the C.O., on behalf of the corps, complimented Lord GRENFELL
+on forming a hollow square.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: SEASIDE MINSTREL, SUSPECTED OF BEING AN ALIEN, IS MADE TO
+REMOVE THE BLACK FROM HIS FACE FOR PURPOSES OF IDENTIFICATION.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPERIAL FAVOURS.
+
+We read with very great interest the official and authentic information
+circulated by the Wolff Agency with regard to the status of the Austrian
+_Landsturm_. From this we learn that "on account of its gallant conduct"
+(attended apparently by disastrous results) the Emperor FRANCIS JOSEPH
+has granted it permission to serve outside Austria. This is a gracious
+concession which will no doubt be very highly appreciated by the
+_Landsturm_; but one trifling difficulty seems to stand in the way. To
+be frank, we do not quite see how they are going to get outside. At
+least it would be well for them to take steps before it is too late.
+Events have not facilitated the journey _via_ Lemburg, or that _via_
+Sarajevo. We know it would be a cruel disappointment if they found
+themselves debarred from enjoying this exceptional boon. Perhaps they
+might try the emergency exit to Italy, where a warm reception would
+await them.
+
+Meanwhile the idea has been taken up by FRANCIS JOSEPH'S brother
+Emperor, who never likes to miss a good thing. We understand that he has
+granted to the German Fleet--on account of its gallant conduct in the
+Kiel Canal--permission to serve outside in the North Sea and also in the
+Solent. We need hardly add that the news has been received with the
+utmost geniality by the British Fleet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nasty Accident to Divine.
+
+    "Cardinal Vanutelli, the doyen of the Papal Conclave, has had the
+    misfortune to break his conclave."--_Liverpool Echo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Attack on the Press.
+
+    "The Antwerp correspondent of the 'Telegraaf' states that yesterday,
+    between Termonde and Ghent, German soldiers fired upon a train full
+    of Reuter."--_Birmingham Daily Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a poster:--
+
+    "WHAT WE HAVE
+      TO OFFER
+       ITALY.
+
+    _The Globe._"
+
+This is, of course, a rhetorical exaggeration. Actually it would be a
+small piece of Austria.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Confession.
+
+From a letter in _The Globe_ on the liberty allowed to German
+prisoners:--
+
+    "With Portland and Weymouth almost within artillery range the thing
+    seems monstrous. Who is responsible?--I am, &c., MIDDLE TEMPLAR."
+
+Then we hope Middle Templar is ashamed of himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO LIMEHOUSE.
+
+  Eastward the buzzing tram-car dips
+    Adown Commercial Road,
+  Till you may see the masts of ships,
+    With all their canvas stowed,
+      Stand o'er the house-tops, high
+        Against blue sky;
+      And thus Romance doth stray,
+        Mid work-a-day.
+
+  O drabbest of all penny fares!
+    Yet may you catch a glimpse
+  Of little dusty courts and squares
+    Where little dusty imps
+      Play by the plane-trees there,
+        Squalid, un-fair--
+      If these a child or tree
+        Could ever be.
+
+  The trams they go with hoot and lurch
+    Long miles, through glare and grime,
+  With here and there a dim cool church
+    Wide open all the time;
+      Where on this lovely day
+        Folk stop to pray
+      That wars, at length, may cease
+        And we have peace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Stamping Out the Enemy.
+
+    "With German factories paralysed and the cold grip of the British
+    Feet about her throat, Germany, it is argued, must bring the war to
+    a close before starvation conquers her."
+
+    _Yorkshire Evening Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I confess that I did not foretell the present state of affairs, and I
+refuse to believe anyone else who professes to have done so unless he
+can produce his prophecy in writing. _Germany and England_ (MURRAY),
+however, puts the late Professor J. A. CRAMB definitely among the few
+and persistent prophets who should long ago have been very much more
+honoured in their own country. The book is a _resume_ of lectures
+delivered in London in the early part of 1913, and it was first
+published a few months ago. The present reprint proves the lecturer to
+have been wiser before the event than many of us are even while the
+event is happening. Had he lived to see "the day," he would certainly
+have revised his incidental opinions of French competence and Russian
+honesty, British resource, and the utility of the Territorial; he would
+have willingly praised what he has somewhat hastily derided. His theme,
+however, is not criticism of the Allies, but appraisement of Germany;
+and his arguments, simply but eloquently expressed, should be very
+closely regarded by those haphazard optimists who suppose this War to be
+the personal prank of a braggart Kaiser, doomed to an immediate failure
+for want of his subjects' support. I have devoured more pages of printed
+matter since this trouble began than I care to think about, but from the
+whole lot I have had less enlightenment than from this half-crown
+volume; I have learnt exactly what is taking place--and why--from one
+who, unhappily, died before any of the existing wars was declared.
+Clearly the days of miracles are not yet dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+No doubt you already know the work of Mr. H. F. PREVOST BATTERSBY
+(FRANCIS PREVOST) in "another place," _i.e._, on the battlefield, where
+as a war-correspondent he has proved himself a keen observer and an
+accomplished master of style. But he can also write romances uncommonly
+well. His latest, _The Lure of Romance_ (LANE), displays once more
+exactly the qualities that have brought its author previous renown--an
+appreciative eye and a ready pen for the dramatic and picturesque
+aspects of a big fight. He knows exactly what a bullet sounds like as it
+whistles over the head of the person to whom it was addressed; and as no
+doubt many of us are taking an unusual interest in bullets just now
+there should be a large public for a story that is so largely concerned
+with them. On its own merits as a tale it is bustling and picturesque
+enough. The scene of it is laid in a South American Republic (that
+useful variant on Ruritania), and the plot deals with the rescue of the
+charming daughters of a rapscallion President, threatened by local
+revolutionaries. Naturally, therefore, there is some shooting--in the
+American sense--all of which bears the sign of expert handling. The
+affair ends with a really thrilling climax, in which _Doyne_, the
+engineer and chief hero, confounds the politics of his enemies by
+letting loose a reservoir upon them. This is great fun. Especially as
+the contents of the reservoir, on its way down through a
+mountain-jungle, brought along with it what Mr. BATTERSBY pleasantly
+calls "clattering carapes of gigantic crabs." A truly gripping finish!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE PICNIC, SEPTEMBER, 1914.
+
+_Anxious Mother._ "I HOPE WE'VE FORGOTTEN NOTHING, FRED?--SANDWICHES,
+SPIRIT LAMP, SUGAR, TEA, MILK, JAM, AMMUNITION, KNIVES, FORKS, REPEATING
+RIFLE, PICKLES, BARBED WIRE, &C., &C."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It would seem a far cry from the clash of armies to the romance of a
+honeymoon spent on a raft _de luxe_ drifting lazily down a river of
+Burma. That is the theme of _Love's Legend_ (CONSTABLE), by Mr. FIELDING
+HALL, author of _The Soul of a People_. But there may be a war of sex
+with sex scarcely less tragic than the wars of men with men (or brutes).
+The author shows us an oldish husband--a civil servant--who surmounts,
+with not too much indelicacy, the primary difficulty of his young wife's
+ingenuousness in relation to the sacrament of marriage. But a further
+and worse difficulty is waiting for him when he comes to deal with the
+incompatibility of the sexes in the matter of moral standards. The
+thing, of course, has been done once for all by LOUIS STEVENSON in
+_Virginibus Puerisque_. But he did it in essay form; here we have the
+piquancy of personal narrative and dialogue. Husband and wife in turn
+are responsible for the story, each assuming a partial attitude towards
+facts and opinions; or else it is one of his old friends (a source of
+foolish jealousy to the wife) who takes up the tale without warning when
+they meet at some riverside station. This means a pleasant variety of
+styles, and there is a certain childlike freshness about the method by
+which the husband adapts himself to his wife's intelligence, presenting
+his more difficult arguments in the form of fairy-tales--a habit which
+the author may, for all I know, have assimilated through intercourse
+with the local native. All goes badly, and things began to threaten an
+_impasse_, when one foggy night the raft is cut in two by a paddle-boat
+and the pair get separated and nearly killed. They are so pleased to be
+restored to one another alive that they tacitly agree to waive their
+differences. It is perhaps rather a puerile _denouement_, and not likely
+to be very helpful to the newly-wedded public. There must be very few
+couples who can count on having their elemental differences healed by
+means of a collision between a honeymoon raft and a paddle-steamer on a
+Burmese river. All the same I commend the book, for it has a charm of
+manner that will appeal to all. As for its matter, half of it will seem
+sound to you if you are a male, and most irritating if you are a female;
+and the other way about with the other half. Personally, being a man, I
+thought the woman wanted smacking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    The new German National Anthem (we hope):--_Deutschland unter Allies._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are living in unsettled times. St. Petersburg has become Petrograd,
+and now we read in _The Yorkshire Observer_ that "The Bradford Baths
+Committee have decided to alter the name of the Central Baths to 'The
+Kursaal.'" What next?
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+147, SEPTEMBER 16, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 27440.txt or 27440.zip *******
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