diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:32:50 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:32:50 -0700 |
| commit | 91bb6a5500918ce6d0fcc52fc0c7ce09a54c71f6 (patch) | |
| tree | adc558bf86d6eb07260d2b6d56e4612986ba2ea5 | |
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-8.txt | 1630 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 31936 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 3084271 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/26769-h.htm | 1974 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/229a-400.png | bin | 0 -> 9436 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/229a.png | bin | 0 -> 61072 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/229b-150.png | bin | 0 -> 5328 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/229b.png | bin | 0 -> 8529 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/230-400.png | bin | 0 -> 31985 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/230.png | bin | 0 -> 280983 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/231-320.png | bin | 0 -> 23662 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/231.png | bin | 0 -> 303793 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/232-320.png | bin | 0 -> 21835 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/232.png | bin | 0 -> 294531 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/233-300.png | bin | 0 -> 14247 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/233.png | bin | 0 -> 195583 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/234-600.png | bin | 0 -> 32444 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/234.png | bin | 0 -> 159611 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/235-400.png | bin | 0 -> 29582 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/235.png | bin | 0 -> 258701 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/237-380.png | bin | 0 -> 33225 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/237.png | bin | 0 -> 316839 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/238a-340.png | bin | 0 -> 22587 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/238a.png | bin | 0 -> 255485 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/238b-400.png | bin | 0 -> 18347 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/238b.png | bin | 0 -> 163245 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/239-600.png | bin | 0 -> 50318 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/239.png | bin | 0 -> 197661 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/240a-100.png | bin | 0 -> 15370 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/240a.png | bin | 0 -> 53535 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/240b-300.png | bin | 0 -> 12210 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-h/images/240b.png | bin | 0 -> 176723 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0229-image1.png | bin | 0 -> 41265 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0229.png | bin | 0 -> 123614 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0230-image1.png | bin | 0 -> 614288 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0230.png | bin | 0 -> 113099 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0231-image1.png | bin | 0 -> 291521 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0231.png | bin | 0 -> 109319 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0232-image1.png | bin | 0 -> 239453 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0232.png | bin | 0 -> 132875 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0233-image1.png | bin | 0 -> 148820 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0233.png | bin | 0 -> 119772 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0234-image1.png | bin | 0 -> 464645 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0234.png | bin | 0 -> 110978 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0235-image1.png | bin | 0 -> 522511 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0235.png | bin | 0 -> 95612 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0236.png | bin | 0 -> 2108 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0237-image1.png | bin | 0 -> 316171 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0237.png | bin | 0 -> 129388 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0238-image1a.png | bin | 0 -> 247450 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0238-image1b.png | bin | 0 -> 170282 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0238.png | bin | 0 -> 128427 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0239-image1.png | bin | 0 -> 556377 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0239.png | bin | 0 -> 80328 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0240-image1a.png | bin | 0 -> 50045 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0240-image1b.png | bin | 0 -> 190747 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769-page-images/p0240.png | bin | 0 -> 124959 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769.txt | 1630 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 26769.zip | bin | 0 -> 31903 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
62 files changed, 5250 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/26769-8.txt b/26769-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1c9db94 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1630 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, +May 20, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, May 20, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: October 4, 2008 [EBook #26769] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 104, MAY 20TH 1893 + +edited by Sir Francis Burnand + + + + +OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE. + +Another Show! A splendid Imperial Show! Magnificent weather! Real +QUEEN'S weather, and consequently a big success. The grandeur, the +solidarity of the British Empire--[&c., &c. *.* _Editor regrets +that for lack of space he is compelled to omit the remainder of this +remarkably fine panegyric. He suggests to Author that it would come +out well in pamphlet form, price one shilling, or it might be given +away with a pound of Indian tea._--ED.] Obedient to the call of duty I +was myself present as one of the 'umblest of the distinguished guests +assembled to welcome Her Imperial MAJESTY on this auspicious occasion. +It was my good fortune to be immediately in front of a charming Young +Lady and her delightful Grandmother. The latter was a trifle deaf, and +her Granddaughter being a wonderfully well-informed young lady, I had +quite an enjoyable time of it; as had also my neighbours, though I +regret to say that some of them after the first three-quarters of an +hour seemed rather to resent the gratuitous information given with +astonishing volubility by the amiable Young Lady to her confiding +relative. For example, up came his Grace the Archbishop of CANTERBURY. +"That's the LORD CHANCELLOR," our well-informed Young Lady told her +Grandmother. Much cheering greets Lord SALISBURY. "That's General +ROBERTS," said the Young Lady, adding, as if rather doubting her own +accuracy, "though why he wears a naval uniform I am unable to say." +It didn't matter; her Grandmother was equally pleased. "Which is Mr. +GLADSTONE?" asked the Old Lady. The Young Lady used her opera-glass. +"I don't see him," she returned slowly. "Of course he can't be in +a turban. I know he has no whiskers or moustache--ah! there he +is!--there, talking to Sir EDWARD LEIGHTON!" She hadn't got even the +Christian names correct. I looked in the direction she had indicated +and saw Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT in close proximity to Sir RICHARD TEMPLE. +But why should I turn and dispel the harmless illusion? Was it for me +to bring discord into a family, and cause the Granddaughter to be cut +out of the Grandmother's will? Never! So, "from information received," +the Old Lady went on implicitly believing in her informant, +and treasuring up the particulars for the benefit of her other +Grandchildren. "Lord ROBERTS is somewhere here," observed the Young +Lady, sweeping the horizon (so to speak, with apologies to "the +horizon") with her _lorgnette_. "Oh, I should like to see _him_!" +exclaimed the Old Lady, enthusiastically. "Where is he?" "Oh, +I think--" replied the Granddaughter, hesitatingly, "I rather--think +--I've only seen him once--but--oh yes," she added, with wonderful +confidence on finding she was commanding an interested audience of +simple neighbours--"Oh yes--there--in a General's uniform,--he has +just come in--and he is looking for his place,"--and, following +guidance, I, too, craned forward, and was rewarded by catching a +glimpse of Mr. FREDERICK GORDON, Chairman of the Grand Hotels Co., +Limited, who was good enough to salute me with that air of conscious +power which becomes part and parcel of a man who has the command of +countless battalions in waiting. Encouraged by this incident (for I +had not rounded on her and said, "that is _not_ Lord ROBERTS") the +Young Lady urged on her mistaken career more wildly than ever. She +pointed out the wrong Princess MAY, the Duke of FIFE became H.R.H. +the Duke of YORK, the TECKS were the MECKLENBURG-STRELITZES, the +Gentlemen-at-Arms were dismounted Chelsea Pensioners in Court dress; +the Chinese ladies were Japanese (for they couldn't get even these +correct,--and of course these Orientals are most correct), and +finally, looking up to the gallery where the Orchestra was, she +crowned the edifice by loudly announcing that Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN was +Sir ARTHUR BALFOUR, and added that he was only performing his official +duty as Leader of the House of Commons. "Then," asked the simple Old +Lady, "are the musicians all obliged to be Members of Parliament?" Her +Granddaughter was equal to the occasion, and answered unhesitatingly, +"Yes, dear, _all_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A Legal Conveyance."] + + * * * * * + +After this, what was the show! Everybody was somebody else. Only the +QUEEN and the PRINCE were beyond the power of error. She found them +out at once. She was enthusiastic about the distinctness of the +PRINCE's voice in reading the Address, and she bent forward so as +not to lose a syllable of the QUEEN's gracious reply. She explained +everything wrong. A few ladies looked at her, mutely beseeching some +respite for their ears; would she only give herself ten minutes' rest? +No--it was a great chance for the well-informed young woman, and she +made the most of it. Even the heat didn't affect her. Processions +might come, and processions might go, but like the babbling brook, +she could and would "go on for ever." I have forgotten to add that +she also knew how everyone arrived, and her Grandmother was much +interested at hearing how Her Majesty's Judges all came in an omnibus, +driven and conducted by eminent judicial functionaries. + +A grand show, "Abely worked by our Secretary," says Sir +Early-Springs-and-SOMERS VINE, C.M.G., Assistant Secretary, and to +both of them great praise is due. Now, then, to adapt the title of +Lord LYTTON's novel, "_What will we do with it?_" + +THE MAN WHO WENT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +In the _Song of the Sword and Other Verses_, Mr. HENLEY incidentally +asks, "What have I done for you, England, my England?" Since the +question is put so pointedly, my Baronite, who has been looking +through the little volume of verse, is bound to reply that, what Mr. +HENLEY has done for England is to make it as ridiculous as is possible +to a man with a limited audience. Mr. HENLEY has a pretty gift +of versification, but it is spoiled by a wearisome proneness to +smartness, and an assumption of personal superiority that occasionally +reaches the heights of the ludicrous. If 'ARRY had been at the +University, and had bent what he calls his mind upon verse-making, +some of the truculent rhyme in this book is the sort of stuff he would +have turned out. It seems at first hearing a far cry from 'ARRY to +HENLEY. But the dispassionate reader, turning over these sulphurous +leaves, will perceive deeply-rooted similarity in that narrowness of +view, and that undisturbed consciousness that it alone is right, which +distinguish the reflections, and are found in the observations, of +'ARRY when he views society from his lower standpoint. + +[Illustration: "Le Sabre de mon père!"] + +Messrs. HUTCHINSON & Co. have published a _Book of Wise Sayings_, by +W. A. CLOUSTON. Not that W. A. CLOUSTON said them all, or any of +them, but he selected them. One fault has the Baron to find with the +selecting collector, and that is that his references are incomplete. +He affixes the name of the author to every wise saying, but as he +does not give chapter and verse, it is impossible for the ordinary +unlearned reader to ascertain when and where the wise saying was +uttered. Perhaps this omission is wise on the part of Mr. CLOUSTON. +However, here is a happy example for the time present:-- + + "Safe in thy breast close lock up thy intents, + For he that knows thy purpose best prevents."--_Randolph._ + +Isn't that good? Isn't it "RANDOLPH" to the life? Is anyone quite +certain as to the course our RANDOLPH will take? + +There are, too, quotations from "R. CHAMBERLAIN"--not from +JOSEPH--with whose works the Baron is not so conversant as he might +be. Saith R. CHAMBERLAIN:-- + + "A foolish man in wealth and authority is like a weak-timbered + house with a too-ponderous roof."--_R. Chamberlain._ + +The Baron strongly recommends the study of this volume to Mr. OSCAR +WILDE; it will save him hours of painful cogitation during the +incubation of his next play. + +THE BARON DE B.-W. & CO. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER HOME-RULE QUESTION.--Ulster objects. Ulster threatens. If Home +Rule becomes the law of the land, the Ulstermen will resist _vi et +armis_. Do they propose to set up an Opposition Sovereignty? If so, +they have a monarch at hand with the very title to suit them. He is +to be found at the Heralds' College, and he is the, _par excellence_, +"Ulster King-at-Arms!" + + * * * * * + +STAGE WHISPER AT WESTMINSTER.--The Comedy of Committee now tends +towards becoming Mellor-drama. + + * * * * * + +"NANA WOULD NOT GIVE ME A BOW-WOW!" + +A PRETTY LITTLE SONG FOR PETTISH LITTLE EMPERORS. (_Latest Teutonic +Version of Mr. Joseph Tabrar's Popular Song._) + +REICHSTAG + +[Illustration] + + [The German Emperor is reported to have said, "It was + impossible for me to anticipate the rejection of the Army + Bills, so fully did I rely upon the patriotism of the Imperial + Diet to accept them unreservedly. A patriotic minority + has been unable to prevail against the majority.... I was + compelled to resort to a dissolution, and I look forward to + the acceptance of the Bills by the new Reichstag. Should this + expectation be again disappointed, I am determined to use + every means in my power to achieve my purpose."--_The Times._] + + +_Wilful Wilhelm sings_:-- + +You ask me why I do not smile; the reason you shall know; + I had a disappointment huge a day or two ago; + I asked my venerable Nurse to give me no more toys, + But just a little Dog of War to bite the other boys. + _Spoken._ But oh! + _Audience_ (_of Generals and Staff Officers_). What? + Nana wouldn't give me that bow-wow + Wow-wow! + The Reichstag wouldn't grant me that bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + No; she denied me--flat. + Now, what do you think of _that_? + And I'd set my mind on that bow-wow-wow! + Wow-wow-wow! + + Some years ago she did the same, the greedy bad old girl! + But I've set my mind upon that dog, sharp teeth and coat a-curl. + The other boys have got such tykes, and I should be a mug, + If when they run to mastiffs I'm put off with a small pug. + _Audience._ Well? + _Spoken._ Well, + I mean to make her give me that bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + I'll worry her until she buys that bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + I'll dissolve the Imperial Diet, + And I never _will_ be quiet + Until I get that bow-wow-wow! + Wow-wow-wow! + + I always meant when I grew old to do just as I pleased, + I'd have a dozen bow-wows then, and if the old Trot teased + I'd shut her up, and everyone who backed her, like a shot; + For no one who opposes Me _can_ be a pat-ri-ot! + _Audience_. Why? + _Spoken_. Because + France has got ahead with _her_ bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + Russia makes me jealous with _her_ bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + And now it is _my_ turn + To leave them well astern, + And I _can't_ without that bow-wow-wow! + Wow-wow-wow! + + I didn't shake old BIZZY off to take CAPRIVI up, + To let my old Nurse thwart me in my longing for this pup. + 'Tis true that I have other tykes, a pack of 'em indeed-- + But what of that? I want one more, of this particular breed. + _Audience._ Well? + _Spoken._ Well, + I will, whatever happens, have this bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + I'll have it very soon, if not just now-now! + Wow-wow! + My purpose I'll achieve, + And the Reichstag never leave + Until I get possession of that bow-wow-wow! + Wow-wow-wow! + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF TITLE.--A recent speech by Mr. LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., +on the Art of Cross-Examination has been called "deliciously frank." +Henceforth, the genial Recorder of York is to be known as Mr. +DELICIOUSLY FRANK LOCKWOOD. + + * * * * * + + A SOVEREIGN MAXIM. + + He who risks the answer Nay, + When he asks he shall have MAY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST. + +WHEN PERCHED ON THE BACK SEAT OF A FRIEND'S DOG-CART; CAN TAKE NO PART +IN THE CONVERSATION, AND HAS TO DEVOTE HIMSELF TO STICKING ON!] + + * * * * * + +IN SHEFFIELD PARK. + +MONDAY, MAY 5, 1893. + +_First Match of the Australian Cricketers against Lord Sheffield's +English Eleven._ + + In Sheffield Park, in budding May! + True English scene, true cricket day, + A generous host, and glorious play! + A date to mark! + A well-fought match, the Cornstalks' first! + A summer sun, a noble thirst! + The Season's on us with a burst, + In Sheffield Park! + + The wondrous veteran W. G., + At forty-five scores sixty-three! + (At sixty-three GRACE may we see + Score forty-five!) + Pleasant once more to have a peep + At those sharp eyes that never sleep, + Those bear's-paws that know how to keep + The game alive! + + Safe SHREWSBURY and giant GUNN + At it once more! Oh Lords, what fun + To see them drive, and cut, and run! + A May-day lark + For elderly and paunchy lads! + Ah, Time his annual inches adds. + _We_ cannot buckle on the pads + In Sheffield Park! + + Yet genuine pleasure still 'twill yield + To sit and watch, with noses peeled, + CONINGHAM smite and GREGORY field. + How's that, Sir! Hark! + Thanks to GRACE, SHREWSBURY, and GUNN, + LOCKWOOD and BRIGGS--what glorious fun!-- + The first big match we've neatly won + In Sheffield Park! + + Now for a wet after our roast! + Lords no, there is no call to boast! + But in Lord SHEFFIELD _what_ a host + Cricketers mark! + Who will forget that lovely day, + 'Midst lovely scenery in mid-May, + Who had the luck to watch the play + In Sheffield Park! + + * * * * * + +(EXETER) HALL RIGHT.--It is reported on the highest authority that +Prince GEORGE has been recently engaged in May Meetings, and has +expressed himself as having been extremely charmed and interested. + + * * * * * + +MORE POWER TO MISS COBBE! + + "You say that you've a sovereign way + To end the placard pest; + Oh, Mistress COBBE, reveal it, pray, + And give my spirit rest!" + + "You're very green, that may be seen," + Th' aggressive dame did shout; + "The way to kill a noxious Bill + Is--just to throw it out. + + "Mid hills, in towns,--that's not so bad,-- + And in the quiet lane, + We let the advertising cad + Tyrannically reign. + + "So in my walks I take a brush, + Also a watering-can, + And on the hideous foe I rush, + And that's _my_ little plan! + + "Without compunction, without haste, + Though passers-by may stare, + I strip the paper from its paste, + And leave the fragments there." + + "_That_ plan," I said, "I've never tried; + It shows, no doubt, devotion; + But is it legal?" She replied, + "_I've not the slightest notion!_" + + * * * * * + +WAITING FOR THE PROCESSIONS. + +(_A Reminiscence of the Opening of the Imperial Institute._) + + SCENE--_The Hyde Park South Road, opposite the Cavalry Barracks. + Closely-packed ranks of Sightseers have formed in front of the + long line of unharnessed carriages under the trees. Outside + this line the feebler folk, who invariably come on such + occasions, and never find the courage to trust themselves in + the crowd, are wistfully wandering, in the hope of procuring a + place by some miraculous interposition._ + +_Lament of Feeble Females._ I _told_ you how it would be--not the +_slightest_ use staying here!... _I_ can't see anything except a +lamp-post and the top of a soldier's bearskin!... We might _just_ as +well have stopped at home! (_Viciously._) Where all the people _come_ +from, _I_ don't know! I'm sure we were here early _enough_! + +_Comments by Feeble Males._ No--not much to be seen where we are, +certainly, but--um--I don't know that we're likely to do better +anywhere else.... Not the least good attempting to get in _there_. +Well, we can _try_ lower down, of course, but it'll be just the same. +They ought to arrange these things better! + + [_They drift on discontentedly._ + +_The Self-Helper_ (_squeezing between the wheels, and elbowing himself +past the people who have been standing patiently there for hours_). +By your leave--'ere, just allow me to pass, please. Thenk you. One +moment, Mum. "No right to push in 'ere," 'aven't I? I've as much right +as what _you_ 'ave. Think the ole Park b'longs to _you_, I suppose? +You orter 'ave a space roped in a-purpose for you, _you_ ought! Tork +about selfishness! + + [_He arrives triumphantly in the foremost row, and obtains the + tolerance, if not the sympathy, of all who are not near enough + to be inconvenienced by his presence._ + + _Contented People in the Crowd._ Oh, we shall do well enough 'ere. +They'll put their sunshades down when the QUEEN passes ... I can ketch +a view between the 'eads like. And you don't get the sun under the +trees ... Sha'n't have much longer to wait _now_. She'll be starting +in another arf hour--(&c., &c.) + +_A Lady in a Landau_ (_to her husband_). I don't think we _could_ have +done better, Horace--we shall see everything; and it's quite amusing +to be close to the crowd, and hear their remarks--_much_ nicer than +being in one of the Stands! + + [_Her self-congratulations are cut short by the arrival of + three Humorous Artisans, who have taken a day off, and are in + the highest animal spirits._ + +_Joe_ (_first Humorous Artisan_). You shove in first, BILL--push +along, JOE; there's room for three little 'uns! Don't you mind about +_me_--I'll git up 'ere, and see over your 'eds. [_He mounts on one of +the front wheels of the landau, and holds on by the lamp._) I can see +proper where _I_ am. There's a lady fainted down there! + +_Bill_ (_the leading Buffoon of the Party_). I wonder if she's got any +money. If she 'as, I'll go and 'elp 'er! + +_Joe._ She's all right now. The ambulance 'as come up--they're +standin' 'er on 'er 'ed! + +_The Lady in the Landau_ (_in an undertone_). HORACE, we can't have +this horrible man here--do make him get down! + +_Horace_ (_to Joe_). Here, I say, my friend, don't you think you'd be +more comfortable somewhere else?--that wheel is--er--not exactly the +place---- + +_Joe._ No offence, Guv'nor. Yer see, I ain't brought out _my_ brawm +to-day, 'cos I'm 'avin' it varnished, and---- + +_Bill._ Why, don't yer _see_, JOE?--the lady's put 'er 'usband up to +invitin' you on the box-seat of 'er kerridge!--it all comes o' bein so +good lookin'--but take care what yer about, or your missus may come by +and ketch yer--which'll be unpleasant for all parties! + +_Joe_ (_to the owner of the Landau, with easy affability_). It's very +'orspitable of you and your good lady, Mister, but I'm very well where +I am--if I _should_ want to set down later on, I'll tell yer. (_To_ +BILL.) I can't think what they all _see_ in me. _I_ don't encourage +'em! + +_The Lady_ (_in a rapid whisper_). No, HORACE, for goodness sake +_don't_--you'll only make them worse--we must put up with it. (_They +do._) + +_Bill_ (_affecting to recognise an imaginary friend across the road_). +'Ullo, if there ain't little ALEXANDER! I knoo _'e'd_ be 'ere. What +cher, ALEC, ole pal? + +_Joe_ (_playing up to him_). Ah, and there goes JACK GAYNER! You can +spot 'im anywhere by 'is eye-glass. + +_Bill._ That's ole JACK all over, that is. 'E wouldn't come out--not +on a day like this--without a _eyeglass_, JACK wouldn't. If it 'ad ha' +bin a Saturday now, 'e'd ha' 'ad _two_, to see 'is way 'ome by. (_A +gorgeous official passes on horseback._) There y'ar--there's DAN LENO. +Way oh, DANNY! + +_Dick._ It's time 'Er Most Gracious come along, if she's goin' to +keep 'er character. If she don't make 'aste, I shan't 'ave time to get +'alf a pint afore I go 'ome! + +_Bill_ (_sentimentally_). Ah, if she on'y knoo the anxious arts she's +causin'! 'Ullo, see that bloke tryin' to climb up on the wall there? +If I was one o' them sojers, I'd draw my sword and do a noble deed +against _'im_, I would. He wouldn't want to set down on no wall arter +_I'd_ done with him! + + [_By this time the two have secured a delighted audience--of which + they are fully conscious._ + +_Joe._ Time 's very near up. 'ER MAJESTY ain't 'urryin 'erself. + +_Bill_ (_magnanimously_). Never mind. Now I _am_ 'ere, I'll stop _'Er_ +time. I shouldn't like 'Er to feel that there was somethink wantin' to +the success of the perceedins. They say Royalty never forgets a face! + +_Joe_ (_with the candour of intimacy_). She won't see enough o' yours +to _forgit_, ole feller--you ain't used _much_ o' Pears' Soap this +mornin', you ain't! + +_Bill_ (_in nowise pained by this personality--which is only too well +founded_). Ah, it 'ud take "Monkey Brand" and Fuller's Earth to git +it all orf o' _me_! (_There is a stir in the crowd; a Mounted +Police-sergeant trots past_). There's somethink up _now_. They're +comin'. I _will_ 'oller when the QUEEN passes. She's costed me a deal +already, but she ain't got _all_ the money. I got three 'apence of it +in my pocket--though, come to think of it, three 'apence laid out in +pots o' four ale among three with thusts for thirty and loyalty laid +on 'ot _and_ cold all over the premises--why, it don't go so bloomin' +fur, and don't you forgit it! + +_Dick._ 'Ere come the Life Guards! smart lookin' lot o' chaps, ain't +they? + +_Bill_ (_philosophically_). Ah, and when they done their time, them +fellers 'll be glad to turn to plarsterin' or wood-choppin'--anythink +to gain their liveli'ood by. There's the Royalties. I can see the +people wavin' their 'ankerchiefs--them that's got em. _I_ want to wave +somethink--'ere, lend me your bacco-pipe, will yer. + + [_An open carriaqe passes, containing personages in uniform._ + +_Dick._ 'Oo'll _that_ lot be? + +_Bill._ Why, that's the Markiss o' BRICKDUST--don't yer know _'im_? +And the one in front is the Dook o' DRIPPIN'. Look at 'im a larfin. +Ain't 'e a gay ole chicking? 'Ere's some more o' them. + +_The Crowd._ That is the Dook o' CAMBRIDGE. No, it ain't--that was 'im +in the fust kerridge. Go on--that was the EDINGBOROS!... Why, I +tell yer, I see 'is white whiskers! There's the Princess MAY! Which? +'Ooray! Lor, it's no good 'oorayin' _now_--she's gone by long ago. +Well, I _am_ glad I 've seen 'er, any'ow! Who are them in the white +'elmets? Ostralians, I fancy. No, they ain't--they're Canadians. +Then who is it in the fancy dress, with slouch 'ats an' feathers on? +Forriners o' _some_ sort. Ain't them Indians dressed up fine? Here +come the creams. _Now_ we shall see 'Er! + +_Bill_ (_with enthusiasm_). Brayvo! SANGER'S ain't in it! 'Ooray, +'ooray! Lor, I could do with a ap'ny ice! Did yer see 'Er, Joe? I +caught 'Er Royal eye, I did. She didn't bow--'cos we ain't on those +terms--but she tipped me a wink, ser much as to say, "'Ullo, BILL, ole +feller, 'ow is it you ain't in the Institoot?" _Quite_ forgittin' she +never sent me no ticket. But there, I dessay she's _lots_ to think +about! + +_Joe_ (_to the occupants of the Landau_). You'll excuse me leavin' yer +for a bit, just to git a drink, won't yer? I'll be back in time to see +'em return--if yer won't mind keepin' my place. + + [_Exit, leaving them glaring in speechless indignation._ + +_The Crowd_ (_breaking up_). Oh, I see it beautiful! She _did_ look +pleased, didn't she? I didn't notice partickler. I was lookin' at the +Percession.... Come along, that's all there is to be seen.... Where's +that silly ole man got to? I told 'im to be 'ere under this tree; +he wants more lookin' after than any--oh, _'ere_ you are! Well, you +should ha' kept along with us, and you'd ha' seen well enough! It +_was_ a pity our leavin' the whisky at 'ome--'tain't _often_ I come +out without it--and on a warm day like this, a drop 'ud ha' done us +_all_ good! + +_A Loyal Old Lady._ Ah, depend upon it, this Imperial Institoot 'ull +do good to Trade. Why, there's one o' them men with the iced lemonade +cans sold out a'ready! + + * * * * * + +HOW'S THAT FOR--HIGH-TEA? + + [A learned Judge is recently reported to have anxiously + inquired the meaning of "high-tea."] + + His Lordship looked puzzled. He ransacked his brain; + His once beaming brow was contracted with pain. + Till my Lord stopped the Counsel, in saying, "Let's see, + Before you proceed, what is meant by 'high-tea'? + + "I was called to the Bar such a long time ago! + But I flatter myself that I've learnt now to know + All the ropes pretty well, yet completely at sea + I confess that I am with this curious 'high-tea.' + + "Now I own that I know an Oxonian 'wine,' + Though a 'cocoa' at Newnham is more in my line, + Whilst dinner and lunch are familiar to me. + So is supper. But what--tell me, _what_ is 'high-tea'?" + + The Counsel explained in his very best style, + (Though he often indulged, on the sly, in a smile,) + And the Judge was as eager as eager could be + To learn all the rites that belong to "high-tea." + + But the sequel to all was a square little note + Next day from a blue-blooded Duchess who wrote + To the Judge, and this Dame of the highest degree + Had invited his Lordship to come to--HIGH-TEA! + + * * * * * + +DIARY OF A "H. D." + +(_At the Service of the Departmental Committee on the Treatment of +Inebriates._) + +_Monday._--I am afraid that I can no longer resist the temptation to +return to my customary diet. This morning my breakfast was spoiled by +finding that the _pièce de résistance_ was corked. And this when I +pay 96_s._ a dozen, and the vintage is 1884! However, it could not +be helped, and I managed to exist until lunch. Then came another +disappointment. I had purposely ordered a light repast, as I had not +much appetite. But I did intend to take it with soda-water--not +neat. At dinner I managed to get through a biscuit, and as it was +"devilled," it gave me renewed relish for the morning's champagne. +This time the bottles were in excellent condition, and I quite forgot +that earlier in the day one of them had been corked. All in the +half-dozen were in perfect condition--especially the last magnum. I do +not know how I got to bed. + +_Tuesday._--When I find that I have not removed my boots overnight, I +know that I require a pick-me-up. A friend joined me at breakfast, and +we both thought the champagne excellent. My friend BROWN, or perhaps +it was JONES, and now I come to think of it, it may have been +ROBINSON. And yet, when I consider the matter, there may have been +three of them. I tried to count them, and it took me half the morning. +Well, BROWN, or whoever he was, is a very good fellow. Most amusing, +and an excellent audience. He laughs at everything. Whether you +mean it to be funny or not, he laughs. I like him as a brother. A +thoroughly good fellow. We had a most interesting discussion about the +right pronunciation of Constitution. He said it was in two syllables. +I said it was in one. I think I was right. We had a long chat about it +after dinner. First we talked about it over the port, and then under +the table. I don't know how I managed to get home, but I have a firm +belief that it was all right--quite all right. + +_Wednesday._--Found my boots again on my feet when recovering +consciousness. So this is the second time I must have slept in them. +I feel excessively melancholy. I have wept very much, and were it +not for the supporting-powers of whiskey, I am sure I should he much +worse. However, there is only one thing to be done--to keep at it. One +bottle down, another come on. I have floored no end of a lot of +them. Strange to say that I am now happy after all my sorrow of this +morning. Everything is right but the lamp-posts. They are all wrong. +Getting in my way on my road home. I feel awfully tired. However, +seems to be my duty to interfere in a street-row. + +_Thursday._--It appears I had an altercation with the police last +night. I am free, but sorrowful. I really must put myself +under restraint. I feel almost certain that I have given way to +intemperance. On appealing to BROWN (or whoever he is), he says I have +been as drunk as a fly for ages. This hurts me very much. Only thing +to do is to retire into a retreat. Have, with the assistance of BROWN +(or whoever he is), drawn up the application. It looks right enough. +And, as this is my last chance for some time to come, I and BROWN (or +whoever he is) are going to make a night of it. + +_Friday._--Boots again! BROWN (or whoever he is) called with two +doctors. I said I couldn't be bothered with them. BROWN (or whoever he +is) said I must. So I saw them. They say that the Act requires that I +must understand what I am doing. All right--going into retreat. Word +"retreat" should be pronounced as one syllable. All right, they have +made the statutory declaration. + +_Saturday._--Here I am. Charming place, away from drink, and ought to +do well for the next fortnight. Can't remember how long I promised to +stay, but know it was for some considerable time. I have just seen +the Superintendent. He says he is very sorry, but I cannot stay +any longer. This, in spite of it appearing that I have signed an +application undertaking to remain for life. Can't make it out. Rather +vague about what I have been doing during the week, but know I wanted +to cure myself from habitual inebriety. Superintendent says he must +turn me out under the statute. Appears that I signed the application +for admission when I was not absolutely sober. Can't be helped. Out I +go. Well, there are worse things in the world than whiskey and port. I +have a notion that I am booked for another night in my boots! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOTE AND QUERY. + +_Small Boy_ (_to Companion_). "I SAY, BILL, WHICH O' THESE TWO'S TAKEN +THE PRIZE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE RECENTLY-ELECTED R.A.'S. + + The pictures these talented gentlemen show + Monotonous never appear; + Waves, woods, and (say) Wenice, MACWHIRTER & Co. + Depict for us year after year. + + WOODS always paints Venice, the place that brought forth + A Moor, but MOORE'S chattels and goods + Are seas, not calm south ones, but those of the north, + Whilst NORTH and MACWHIRTER paint woods. + + * * * * * + +A DEBT OF HONOUR.--Will the verse described as _Ode_ by Mr. WILLIAM +MORRIS be paid with the Poet Laureateship? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT WEDDING PRESENTS ARE COMING TO. + +_She._ "I DON'T SEE _MY_ CHEQUE ANYWHERE!" + +_He._ "A--CAN I HELP YOU? WHAT NAME?" + +_She._ "OH--WELL--MINE IS HARDLY A CHEQUE. A--IT'S A POSTAL ORDER, YOU +KNOW, FOR FIFTEEN SHILLINGS!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR OWN AMBASSADOR. + +_Mr. Punch, meeting Columbia at the World's Fair, thus greeteth +her:--_ + + COLUMBIA by Lake Michigan + A treasure-dome did late decree; + And all the world, in summer, ran, + In numbers measureless by man, + The Wondrous Show to see! + There many miles of fertile ground + With walls and towers were girdled round: + And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills + Surrounding halls of vast machinery. + And all earth's products, from fine arts to pills, + Massed in that maze by that great inland sea. + + Fast, from that deep romantic chasm which slanted + Through Colorado, the Grand Cañon; over + Yellowstone's marvel--teeming miles enchanted; + Far-sweeping prairies erst by redskins haunted; + Steaming and railing, like bee-swarms to clover, + The world-crowd swept, with ceaseless turmoil seething; + It seemed the earth in eager pants was breathing + In a great race to see who should be first + Into that many-acred Show to burst, + And conquering COLUMBIA there to hail + Creation-licker on colossal scale. + By Michigan's large lake, once and for ever, + Surpassing other Shows, in park, by river, + O'er miles meandering, this last Yankee Notion + Through wood and meadow like a river ran, + Vast Exposition of the Arts of Man! + Hyde Park compared therewith stirred small emotion, + And proud COLUMBIA, waving Stripes and Stars, + Cried, "The White City whips the Champ de Mars!" + + The shadow of that dome of treasure + Floated midway on the wave. + (See CASTAIGNE'S drawings--they're a pleasure-- + In the May _Century_ pictured brave.) + It was a miracle of rare device, + Costing "a pile," but cheap at any price! + A damsel with a five-stringed "Jo" + In a vision once I saw; + It was an Alabama maid, + And on her banjo light she played, + Singing of sweet Su-san-nah! + Could I revive within me + Amphion's lyric song, + To such a deep delight 'twould win me + As the music loud and long + That sure did raise this dome in air, + That mighty dome!--those halls of price! + COLUMBIA'S magic set them there, + And all who see cry, "Rare! O rare! + This beats great KUBLA KHAN'S device! + Chicago outsoars Xanadu! + COLUMBIA'S World's Fair here on view + Eclipses SHEDAD'S Paradise!" + + There, Madam! _The_ British Ambassador, _Punch_, + Has borrowed the lyre of the Opium-eater + To praise your unparalleled feat! By his hunch + 'Twould tax that great master of magic and metre + To do it full justice. To paint such a vision + The limner need call on the aid of the Poppy. + It is a Big Blend of the Truly Elysian, + And (you'll comprehend!) the Colossally Shoppy! + Mix HAROUN ALRASCHID with Mr. MCKINLEY, + And Yellowstone Park with a Persian Bazaar, + And _then_ the _ensemble_ is sketched in but thinly. + For brush and for pen 'tis too mighty by far. + The fragment of COLERIDGE hinted at wonders + His Dream might have shown, had it ever been finished. + COLUMBIA, I bear o'er the ocean that sunders + But cannot un-kin us, the love undiminished + Of all whom I speak for--that's England all over-- + Here's luck, in a bumper, to you and your Show! + Ambassador _Punch_, your Admirer and Lover, + Believes the World's Fair will turn out a Great Go! + + * * * * * + +MUSIC IN MAY.--Albert Hall gave a good Concert last Wednesday night. +C. V. STANFORD'S "_East to West_," libretto by Poet SWINBURNE, is +cleverish. To encores Sir JOSEPH BARNBY says, as a rule, "Not for +Sir JOSEPH." Quite right. Miss PALLISER, known as Miss BUCKINGHAM +PALLISER, because she sang at a Court Concert, charming; and Mr. E. J. +LLOYD as _The Old Obadiah_, excellent. Chorus, like the weather, very +fine; Orchestra set fair, or fair set. Hall full, but, now and again, +it's a Hall-full place for sound. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR OWN AMBASSADOR. + +MR. PUNCH (_to_ COLUMBIA), "CONGRATULATE YOU, MY DEAR!--QUITE 'THE +BIGGEST SHOW ON EARTH'!!!"] + + * * * * * + +ANILINE. + +(_After Tennyson's "Adeline."_) + + All around one daily sees + Dreadful dyes of Aniline. + Worn by women fat and thin, + Bonnet, bodice, back and breast. + One can hardly call thee fair, + With thy fierce magenta glare, + With thy green, the green of peas, + Violet, and all the rest. + What appalling tints are thine, + Showy, glowy Aniline! + + Whence did modern women get + Such a gorgeous array? + Dear to 'ARRY'S 'ARRIET + On a 'appy 'oliday, + 'Owlin', out on 'Ampstead 'Eath, + From the 'ill to 'im beneath. + Also dear to girls who sell + Flowers in the London street, + They have always loved thee well + In their frocks and feathers neat. + Why revive those tints of thine, + Antiquated Aniline? + + Thou hast almost made us blind + Under England's cloudless skies; + Low-toned tints of Orient, + Such as Turkish rugs adorn, + Would be better for our eyes-- + Now upon the pavement bent + Since such blazers have been worn. + Say, has Paris sent to us + Dyes so dreadfully defined? + Do the tyrant _modistes_ bring + Colours so calamitous, + Mixed in ways more fearful still, + In this strangely sunny spring? + Oh, before thou mak'st us ill, + Take away that glare of thine, + Unæsthetic Aniline! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KINDLY MEANT. + +_Mr. Macmonnies_ (_an old Friend_). "WELL, LOOK HERE, OLD MAN, I'LL +TELL YOU WHAT REALLY BROUGHT ME HERE TO-DAY. THE FACT IS MY WIFE WANTS +HER MOTHER PAINTED VERY BADLY--AND I NATURALLY THOUGHT OF YOU!"] + + * * * * * + +SALE OF THE CLIFDEN AND HIGH PRICE PICTURES. + +--"The Wife of Burgomaster Six" went for over £7000. This wife of +Burgomaster Half-a-dozen was a marvellous specimen of a woman. The +Burgomaster was so faithful a husband that "Six to One" has long since +become a homely proverb. + + * * * * * + +A USEFUL TOOLE.--_Mr. Punch_ was much surprised one day last week to +see on the evening newspaper placards:-- + + TOOLE IN THE BOX. + A LUCKY DOG. + +Was "the Box" a new piece to be put on at the distant period when +_Walker, London_, fails to attract? No! The hero of _Homburg_ had only +been helping in the _Lucky Dog_ Fight--merely a case of _Verbum Sapte +et Alport_, or a Word for SAPTE and ALPORT. + + * * * * * + +THE SHORTEST PASSAGE ON RECORD.--Aberdeen to Canada at a pen-stroke. + + * * * * * + +SIC ITUR AD--ASTOR! + +[The American Millionnaire has purchased Cliveden.] + + RULE, BRITANNIA! 'Twas Cliveden's fair walls which first heard + That stout patriot strain--which may now sound absurd + "_Yankee Doodle_" indeed might more fittingly ring + "In Cliveden's proud alcove," which POPE stooped to sing. + O Picknickers muse; and, O oarsmen, repine! + Those fair hanging woods, BULL, no longer are thine. + Our high-mettled racers may pass o'er the sea-- + Shall sentiment challenge _thy_ claims, L. S. D.? + Our pictures may go without serious plaint-- + What are the best pictures but canvas and paint? + Our Press? Let the alien toff take his pick. + When the Dollar dictates shall mere patriots kick? + Our hills and our forests? If Oil-kings appear, + And want them--for cash--as preserves for their deer. + Down, down with mere pride--so they're down with the dust! + Mammon's word is the great categorical Must! + The Dollar's Almighty, the Millionnaire's King! + Sell, sell _anyone_ who'll bid _high--anything_. + What offers for--London? Who bids for--the Thames? + Cracks go, Cliveden follows. What Briton condemns? + Cash rules. For the Dollar-King BULL shies his castor. + Buy! Buy! That's the cry, JOHN. _Sic itur ad_--ASTOR! + + * * * * * + +BOOKED AT THE LYCEUM BOX-OFFICE.--Four nights a week _Becket_ is +given. Programme is varied on the other two nights. A simple gentleman +said to the Clerk at the Box-Office, "I want two stalls." _The Clerk._ +"_For Becket?_" "No," returned the simple one; "for _me_." + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING FOR NOTHING. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--From a communication to one of the daily papers, it +appears that "a hundred ladies and gentlemen who find the works of +HENDRIK IBSEN (perhaps not all for exactly the same reasons, but who +agree in finding them) among the most interesting productions of the +modern theatre, have guaranteed the estimated expenses of a series +of twelve performances, at which three of IBSEN'S plays will be +presented." This arrangement is carried out by "each guarantor +receiving in seats at the current theatrical prices the full value of +his subscription," as "the State will not subsidize a theatre, and no +millionnaire seems inclined to endow one." + +This is clear enough, but it has occurred to me that, as after the +first few performances there may be a goodly number of untenanted +seats, it would be as well to provide auxiliary aid to fill them. It +would scarcely be fair to call upon the guarantors to pay the audience +to be present at the "entertainments" provided for their amusement. +And yet, unless the houses are good, the actors will not do themselves +justice, and the plays of HENDRIK IBSEN will suffer in consequence. +I fear that it would be revolting to humanity to insist upon the +attendance of the less intelligent inmates of the Asylum for Idiots, +and yet here would be an appropriate path out of the difficulty. Under +the circumstances, could not the State (with the aid of a short Act of +Parliament) still render assistance? I see no reason why thieves +and other dishonest characters should not have a portion of their +sentences remitted on condition that they attended the IBSEN +performances. Such an arrangement would save the rate-payers the +expense of the prisoners' keep. The audience I have suggested would +also be free from temptation, for when they were assisting at a +representation of one of IBSEN'S plays, I venture to believe they +would find nothing worth stealing. + +A PRACTICAL MAN. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: WASTED IRONY. + +"WHO'S THAT DOWN-STAIRS, JANE?"--"SOME FRIENDS OF MINE, MA'AM." + +"BUT YOU HAD SOME FRIENDS YESTERDAY, JANE!"--"YES, MA'AM." + +"AND ON MONDAY NIGHT!"--"YES, MA'AM." + +"DON'T YOU THINK YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A REGULAR DAY AT HOME EACH +WEEK?"--"THANK YOU, MA'AM! THAT WILL BE VERY NICE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, May 8._--"What a day we are having, to be sure!" +said CHAMBERLAIN, rubbing his hands and smiling delightedly. Things +certainly pretty lively to begin with; just got into Committee on +Home-Rule Bill; CHARLIE (my DARLING) was to have opened Debate with +Amendment on first line of First Clause; but, as he subsequently +explained to sympathetic Committee, he was weighed down with feeling +of diffidence. House, touched with this unusual weakness on part +of Member for Deptford, readily accepted volunteered service of +CHAMBERLAIN, who undertook to say a few words on another Amendment +whilst DARLING was recovering. + +No diffidence about JOSEPH. As he observed in stormiest epoch of +sitting, he was as cool as a cucumber. "A cucumber with full allowance +of vinegar and pepper," SQUIRE of MALWOOD added, in one of those +asides with which he varies the silence of Treasury Bench. Well there +was someone at that temperature. Committee, take it all together, in +volcanic mood. Peculiarity of situation, as SAUNDERSON put it, with +some mixing of metaphor, was that "it was the cucumber that kept the +pot a-boiling." Whenever any sign of placidity was visible, JOSEPH +sure to appear on scene, rub someone's hair the wrong way, or stir up +some slumbering lion with long pole. + +"Ever stop to watch the Punch show in the streets, TOBY?" said +PLUNKET. "No, I suppose not; rather personal; recall days before you +went into politics. Confess I always do; been chuckling just now over +idea that here we have the whole thing played out. There's _Mr. Punch_ +in person of Mr. G. Up comes a head, GRANDOLPH'S, or someone else's; +down comes the baton in the form of the Closure. Everyone supposes +that Law and Order are established and things will go smoothly, when +suddenly up springs JOEY, cool as a cucumber, and upsets everything +again. There's nothing new under the sun, not even proceedings in +obstruction of Home-Rule Bill." + +After dinner SOLICITOR-GENERAL discovered seated on Treasury Bench. A +great thirst for speech from him suddenly afflicted Opposition. Mr. +G. spoke, and JOHN MORLEY moved the Closure, but nothing would satisfy +them save speech from RIGBY. Pauses in conversation were filled by +cries upon his name. He sat unresponsive, looking wiser than ever, but +still unspeakably wise. + +DARLING'S Amendment got rid of with assistance of Closure. GRANDOLPH +rushed in; hotly moved to report progress. Only ten o'clock; two hours +more before Debate adjourned. This merrily filled up with divisions, +shouting, and scenes. GRANDOLPH'S motion to Report Progress being +negatived on division. PRINCE ARTHUR moved that Chairman leave the +Chair, division on which just tided Committee over twelve o'clock, +without chance of doing more work. + +"I feel twelve years younger," said GRANDOLPH, coming in from last +division. "Reminds me of first Session of 1880 Parliament, when we sat +below Gangway there, and bandied about these alternative resolutuions, +me moving to Report Progress; then, when we came back again, WOLFFY, +GORST, or sometimes, to give the boy a turn, PRINCE ARTHUR moved +that Chairman leave the Chair. That was long before he came into his +princedom. House of Commons pretty dull these six years back. After +all, it's the same old place, and, if we give our mind to it, we can +have the same old game." + +_Business done._--Got into Committee on Home Rule Bill. + +_Thursday._--Noisiest evening we have enjoyed since Parliament +elected. Peculiarity of situation was that everybody, not excluding +Chairman of Committees, strenuously anxious to preserve order. Quiet +enough till CHAMBERLAIN appeared on scene, then followed the ordinary +cool-cucumbery results. TIM HEALY torn with anxiety that JOSEPH should +limit himself strictly to Motion before Committee. Sort of triangular +duel; JOSEPH at corner Bench below Gangway to right of Chair; TIM in +corresponding position opposite; MELLOR in (and out of) Chair; all +three on their feet simultaneously; Committee assisting in general +desire for peace and order by tumultuous shouting. TIM fired furiously +at JOSEPH; JOSEPH answered shot for shot; Chairman pegged away +alternately at both. + +[Illustration: HOME RULE ENTERTAINMENT St Stephens + +"Joey up again!" Scene from the Parliamentary Show.] + +Then GRANDOLPH, finding temptation irresistible, romped in. "I move," +he said, "that the words be taken down." Very well; quite so; but +what words? The Chamber was full of words, surging like the waters at +Lodore. Which particular ones would GRANDOLPH like taken down? Turned +out that his desire centred upon almost the only words that had not +been uttered. "I distinctly heard the Member for Louth say, 'You +are knocked up.'" So GRANDOLPH solemnly declared, standing at table. +Whilst Irish Members popped up like parched peas on Benches below +Gangway, CHAMBERLAIN took opportunity of looking over his notes, and +Chairman, standing at table, forlornly wrung his hands, TIM HEALY sat +a model of Injured Innocence. As it turned out he, by rare chance, +had not spoken at all. This made clear upon testimony of MACARTNEY +and JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg. What TIM felt most acutely was, not being +thus groundlessly charged with disorderly speech, but that GRANDOLPH, +for whom he has a warm respect, should imagine that if he _had_ +an observation to offer in the circumstances, it would be one so +frivolously harmless as that cited. To observe to somebody "You +are knocked up," might, with tone of commiseration thrown in, be a +friendly, almost an affectionate, remark. Why the words, if uttered +at all, should be taken down, no one could even guess. TIM sat in +deep dejection, overborne by this unexpected and undeserved contumely. +Parched-pea business on Benches round him became contagious; MELLOR +up and down in the Chair with corresponding motion; SWIFT MACNEILL +shouting something at top of his voice; Ross rising to explain; +JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg actually explaining; MACARTNEY saying +something; TOMMY BOWLES, not to be out of it, moving that somebody +else's words be taken down. At length, in comparative lull in storm, +Chairman adroitly signalled to CHAMBERLAIN, who continued his speech. +Members, generally, gratefully availed themselves of his interposition +to take their breath. + +[Illustration: _Mr. J. G. L-ws-n, having found in a dictionary the +Irish word for "a House of Commons," obliges:--_ + + In Irish, I will sing it clear, + There's a name for the House which you shall hear. + (_Spoken_) Which is + (_Sings_) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looral + Ri-az tolooral ri do! + + [_Chorus everybody._] + +"Do you know, TOBY, what this reminds me of?" said Earl SPENCER, +looking down on turbulent scene from Peers' Gallery. "Carries me back +to boyhood's days, and what used to happen when, in temporary absence +of head-master, French usher took charge of the school." + +J. G. LAWSON, on spending time in Library, looking up native name +for proposed Legislative Assembly in Dublin. Found what it used to be +called when BRIAN was King; written name down, tries to pronounce it. +TIM HEALY says, as far as he can make out, LAWSON is speaking Welsh; +it is suggested that Chairman shall put Question. MELLOR says he's +quite enough to do to put Amendments in English; declines to attempt +the Irish. LAWSON withdraws, using awful language, which he insists is +Irish. It sounds even worse. + +_Business done._--Blusterous. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE. + +(_Rough Sketch by Our Artist without elbow-room._)] + + * * * * * + +_Saturday Morning._--Another afternoon in Committee on Home-Rule Bill. +Not so lively as yesterday, but equal amount of business not done, +which, after all is the thing. House fairly full; gunpowder lying +about in all directions, as shown by occasional flash; and one regular +explosion. Went off to Library; sat in quiet corner with PRINCE +ARTHUR'S last book in hand. Fancy I must have fallen asleep; found +tall figure sitting next to me; drowsily recognised RAIKES. Couldn't +be RAIKES, you know; long ago gone to another place. Yet figure +unmistakeable, and voice well remembered. Seem to have been asking him +question. + +"What do I think about new Chairman?" he was saying. "Well, of course, +that is a delicate question to put to me; was Chairman myself for many +sessions; know every thorn in the cushion of the seat. It is, I should +say, the most difficult post in House; far more so than SPEAKER'S. +SPEAKER is robed about with authority that does not pertain to +Chairman. Observations which, addressed to SPEAKER, would be flat +blasphemy, are, when flung at Chairman of Ways and Means, merely +choleric words. Apart from that, position is, through long stretches +of sitting, more arduous. When full-dress debate going on, SPEAKER +of judgment and experience can go easy; may even, upon occasion, +strategically doze. One did in times not so long ago, and was caught +_flagrante asleepoh_. MACKWORTH PRAED was Member of the House then; +made little speech in verse on incident. You remember it? + + Sleep, Mr. SPEAKER; it's surely fair, + If you don't in your bed, that you should in your Chair; + Longer and longer still they grow, + Tory and Radical, Aye and No + Talking by night, and talking by day. + Sleep, Mr. SPEAKER; sleep, sleep, while you may. + +[Illustration: Blind Man's Buff with the Chairman; or, "The Mellor and +His Men."] + +"Chairman must be on alert every moment in Committee. Rule under his +jurisdiction is conversation as opposed to speech-making when SPEAKER +in Chair. Any moment out of depths of dulness may suddenly rise a +whirlwind, which he is expected forthwith to ride. Especially in +connection with Bill like this now before Committee, Chairman is in +state of tension from time he takes Chair till he leaves. Don't forget +all this when you criticise MELLOR, still new to place. He's a good +fellow, and a shrewd one; but has, among other difficulties, to fight +against proneness to good-nature. Good-nature out of place in the +Chair. COURTNEY knew that, and successfully overcame his natural +tendencies. MELLOR too anxious to oblige. Must get over that. Above +all, should never explain. Suddenly called upon for decision on knotty +point, must needs make mistake sometimes. If he does, unless it be +very serious, _he should stick to it_. For Chairman of Committees, +better to be in the wrong and uphold authority of Chair, than +to wriggle into the right at its expense. MELLOR should be more +monosyllabic in his style, more ruthless in his dealing with +disorderly interruption, more wary about putting his foot down, but, +being planted, it should be immovable. It would make his fortune if he +could only name CHAMBERLAIN. That would be difficult, I know, for JOEY +C. is sly, dev'lish sly. He should begin with JEMMY LOWTHER, who +gives plenty of chances. Thence he might work upwards. Is that a bell +ringing? Yes. Must be off, or I'll get shut out. We've lately adopted +the Early Closing Movement." + +Certainly bell was ringing; it was for Division on Clause I. Still +fact seems to run on all fours with what I remember RAIKES talking of +just now. Yet, again, when one comes to think of it, can a bell run on +all fours? Everything very strange. Shall go and vote. + +_Business done._--Clause I. agreed to. + + * * * * * + +TO THE WOOLSACK. + + Sincere congratulations for + Our conscience-keeping Chancellor. + Whom lawyers know as HERSCHELL, C. + Is now Lord HERSCHELL, G.C.B. + + * * * * * + +AN ADDITION TO THE CALENDAR.--Sir SOMERS VINE, in recognition of his +services in connection with the Imperial Institute, has been appointed +a Companion of St. Michael and St. George. And why not? He will be +found excellent company. + + * * * * * + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Missing and illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired. + +Page 240: 'dulness' is correct-- + +from Oxford Online Dictionary: + +dull ... — DERIVATIVES dullness (also dulness). + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +104, May 20, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 26769-8.txt or 26769-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/7/6/26769/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/26769-8.zip b/26769-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7d5c09f --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-8.zip diff --git a/26769-h.zip b/26769-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..812170b --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h.zip diff --git a/26769-h/26769-h.htm b/26769-h/26769-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d0a83a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/26769-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1974 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, May 20th, 1893.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + .ind {margin-left: 5em;} + .indrl {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .textind {text-indent: 1em; margin-top: -1em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .center1 {text-align: center; font-size: 0.7em;} + span.outdent {text-align: left; margin-left: -1em;} + td {padding-left: 1em;} + td.right {padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em;} + td.pics {padding-left: 0.1em; padding-right: 0.1em; font-size: 0.8em;} + td.picsr {padding-left: 1.0em; padding-right: 0.1em; font-size: 0.8em;} + td.main {text-align: left; font-size: 1.0em; padding-left: 0; padding-right: 1em;} + td.note {text-align: left;font-size: 0.9em; font-weight: normal; border: 1px dashed; padding: 1em;} + ul.none {font-size: 1.0em; margin-left: 10%; list-style-type: none;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + ins {text-decoration: none; border-bottom: dashed 1px silver;} + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + sub {font-size: 1.2em;} + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:25%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i14 {margin-left: 7em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + .poem p.i18 {margin-left: 9em;} + .poem p.i20 {margin-left: 10em;} + .poem p.i22 {margin-left: 11em;} + .poem p.i24 {margin-left: 12em;} + .poem p.i26 {margin-left: 13em;} + .poem p.i28 {margin-left: 14em;} + .poem p.i30 {margin-left: 15em;} + .poem p.i32 {margin-left: 16em;} + .poem p.i34 {margin-left: 17em;} + .poem p.i36 {margin-left: 18em;} + .poem p.i38 {margin-left: 19em;} + .poem p.i40 {margin-left: 20em;} + + .poem1 + {margin-left:-20%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem1 .stanza {margin: 0em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem1 p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem1 p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem1 p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem1 p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem1 p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem1 p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .poem1a + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem1a .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem1a p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem1a p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem1a p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem1a p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem1a p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem1a p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem1a p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em;} + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, +May 20, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, May 20, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: October 4, 2008 [EBook #26769] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>Volume 104, May 20th 1893</h2> + +<h3><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h3> + +<hr class="full" /> + + +<h2>OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE.</h2> + +<p>Another Show! A splendid Imperial Show! Magnificent +weather! Real <span class="sc">Queen's</span> weather, and consequently a big success. +The grandeur, the solidarity of the British Empire—[&c., &c. +<span style="line-height: 50%">*<sub>*</sub>*</span> <i>Editor regrets that for lack of space he is compelled to omit the +remainder of this remarkably fine panegyric. He suggests to Author +that it would come out well in pamphlet form, price one shilling, or it +might be given away with a pound of Indian tea.</i>—<span class="sc">Ed.</span>] Obedient to +the call of duty I was myself present as one of the 'umblest of the +distinguished guests assembled to welcome Her Imperial <span class="sc">Majesty</span> on +this auspicious occasion. It was my good fortune to be immediately +in front of a charming Young Lady and her delightful Grandmother. +The latter was a trifle deaf, and her Granddaughter being a +wonderfully well-informed young lady, I had quite an enjoyable +time of it; as had also my neighbours, though I regret to say that +some of them after the first three-quarters of an hour seemed +rather to resent the gratuitous information given with astonishing +volubility by the amiable Young Lady to her confiding relative. +For example, up came his Grace the Archbishop of <span class="sc">Canterbury</span>. +"That's the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span>," our well-informed Young Lady +told her Grandmother. Much cheering greets Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury</span>. +"That's General <span class="sc">Roberts</span>," said the Young Lady, adding, as if +rather doubting her own accuracy, "though why he wears a naval +uniform I am unable to say." It didn't matter; her Grandmother +was equally pleased. "Which is Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>?" asked the Old +Lady. The Young Lady used her opera-glass. "I don't see +him," she returned slowly. "Of course he can't be in a turban. I +know he has no whiskers or moustache—ah! there he is!—there, +talking to Sir <span class="sc">Edward Leighton</span>!" She hadn't got even the +Christian names correct. I looked in the direction she had +indicated and saw Sir <span class="sc">William Harcourt</span> in close proximity to +Sir <span class="sc">Richard Temple</span>. But why should I turn and dispel the +harmless illusion? Was it for me to bring discord into a family, +and cause the Granddaughter to be cut out of the Grandmother's +will? Never! So, "from information received," +the Old Lady went on implicitly believing in her informant, and +treasuring up the particulars for the benefit of her other Grandchildren. +"Lord <span class="sc">Roberts</span> is somewhere here," observed the Young +Lady, sweeping the horizon (so to speak, with apologies to "the +horizon") with her <i>lorgnette</i>. "Oh, I should like to see <i>him</i>!" +exclaimed the Old Lady, enthusiastically. "Where is he?" "Oh, +I think—" replied the Granddaughter, hesitatingly, "I rather—think—I've +only seen him once—but—oh yes," she added, with +wonderful confidence on finding she was commanding an interested +audience of simple neighbours—"Oh yes—there—in a General's +uniform,—he has just come in—and he is looking for his place,"—and, +following guidance, I, too, craned forward, and was rewarded +by catching a glimpse of Mr. <span class="sc">Frederick Gordon</span>, Chairman of the +Grand Hotels Co., Limited, who was good enough to salute me with +that air of conscious power which becomes part and parcel of a man +who has the command of countless battalions in waiting. Encouraged +by this incident (for I had not rounded on her and said, +"that is <i>not</i> Lord <span class="sc">Roberts</span>") the Young Lady urged on her mistaken +career more wildly than ever. She pointed out the wrong +Princess <span class="sc">May</span>, the Duke of <span class="sc">Fife</span> became H.R.H. the Duke of +<span class="sc">York</span>, +the <span class="sc">Tecks</span> were the <span class="sc">Mecklenburg-Strelitzes</span>, the +Gentlemen-at-Arms +were dismounted Chelsea Pensioners in Court dress; the +Chinese ladies were Japanese (for they couldn't get even these +correct,—and of course these Orientals are most correct), and finally, +looking up to the gallery where the Orchestra was, she crowned the +edifice by loudly announcing that Sir <span class="sc">Arthur Sullivan</span> was Sir +<span class="sc">Arthur Balfour</span>, and added that he was only performing his +official duty as Leader of the House of Commons. "Then," asked +the simple Old Lady, "are the musicians all obliged to be Members +of Parliament?" Her Granddaughter was equal to the occasion, +and answered unhesitatingly, "Yes, dear, <i>all</i>."</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/229a.png"><img src="images/229a-400.png" width="400" height="240" alt="'A Legal Conveyance.'" /></a> +<h4>"A Legal Conveyance."</h4></div> + +<hr /> + +<p>After this, what was the show! Everybody was somebody else. +Only the <span class="sc">Queen</span> and the <span class="sc">Prince</span> were beyond the power of error. +She found them out at once. She was enthusiastic about the +distinctness of the <span class="sc">Prince</span>'s voice in reading the Address, and she +bent forward so as not to lose a syllable of the <span class="sc">Queen</span>'s gracious +reply. She explained everything wrong. A few ladies looked at +her, mutely beseeching some respite for their ears; would she only +give herself ten minutes' rest? No—it was a great chance for the +well-informed young woman, and she made the most of it. Even +the heat didn't affect her. Processions might come, and processions +might go, but like the babbling brook, she could and would "go +on for ever." I have forgotten to add that she also knew how everyone +arrived, and her Grandmother was much interested at hearing +how Her Majesty's Judges all came in an omnibus, driven and +conducted by eminent judicial functionaries.</p> + +<p>A grand show, "Abely worked by our Secretary," says Sir +Early-Springs-and-<span class="sc">Somers +Vine</span>, C.M.G., Assistant Secretary, and to both of +them great praise is due. Now, then, to adapt the title of Lord +<span class="sc">Lytton</span>'s +novel, "<i>What will we do with it?</i>"</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">The Man who Went</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:150px;"><a href="images/229b.png"><img src="images/229b-150.png" width="150" height="230" alt="'Le Sabre de mon père!'" /></a> +<h4>"Le Sabre de mon père!"</h4></div> + +<p>In the <i>Song of the Sword and Other Verses</i>, Mr. <span class="sc">Henley</span> +incidentally asks, "What have I done for you, England, my +England?" Since the question is put so pointedly, my Baronite, +who has been looking through the +little volume of verse, is bound to +reply that, what Mr. <span class="sc">Henley</span> has +done for England is to make it as +ridiculous as is possible to a man +with a limited audience. Mr. +<span class="sc">Henley</span> has a pretty gift of versification, +but it is spoiled by a +wearisome proneness to smartness, +and an assumption of personal superiority +that occasionally reaches +the heights of the ludicrous. If +<span class="sc">'Arry</span> had been at the University, +and had bent what he calls his +mind upon verse-making, some of +the truculent rhyme in this book is +the sort of stuff he would have +turned out. It seems at first hearing +a far cry from '<span class="sc">Arry</span> to <span class="sc">Henley</span>. +But the dispassionate reader, +turning over these sulphurous +leaves, will perceive deeply-rooted +similarity in that narrowness of +view, and that undisturbed consciousness +that it alone is right, +which distinguish the reflections, and are found in the observations, +of '<span class="sc">Arry</span> when he views society from his lower standpoint.</p> + +<p>Messrs. <span class="sc">Hutchinson</span> & Co. have published a <i>Book of Wise +Sayings</i>, by <span class="sc">W. A. Clouston</span>. Not that <span class="sc">W. A. Clouston</span> said +them +all, or any of them, but he selected them. One fault has the Baron to +find with the selecting collector, and that is that his references are +incomplete. He affixes the name of the author to every wise +saying, but as he does not give chapter and verse, it is impossible +for the ordinary unlearned reader to ascertain when and where the +wise saying was uttered. Perhaps this omission is wise on the part +of Mr. <span class="sc">Clouston</span>. However, here is a happy example for the time +present:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10">"Safe in thy breast close lock up thy intents,</p> +<p class="i10">For he that knows thy purpose best prevents."—<i>Randolph.</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Isn't that good? Isn't it "<span class="sc">Randolph</span>" to the life? Is anyone +quite certain as to the course our <span class="sc">Randolph</span> will take?</p> + +<p>There are, too, quotations from "<span class="sc">R. Chamberlain</span>"—not from +<span class="sc">Joseph</span>—with whose works the Baron is not so conversant as he +might be. Saith <span class="sc">R. Chamberlain</span>:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"A foolish man in wealth and authority is like a weak-timbered house +with a too-ponderous roof."—<i>R. Chamberlain.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The Baron strongly recommends the study of this volume to Mr. +<span class="sc">Oscar Wilde</span>; it will save him hours of painful cogitation during the +incubation of his next play.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">The Baron de B.-W. & Co.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Another Home-Rule Question</span>.—Ulster objects. Ulster +threatens. If Home Rule becomes the law of the land, the Ulstermen +will resist <i>vi et armis</i>. Do they propose to set up an Opposition +Sovereignty? If so, they have a monarch at hand with the very +title to suit them. He is to be found at the Heralds' College, and he +is the, <i>par excellence</i>, "Ulster King-at-Arms!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Stage Whisper at Westminster</span>.—The Comedy of Committee +now tends towards becoming Mellor-drama.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span> + + +<h2>"NANA WOULD NOT GIVE ME A BOW-WOW!"</h2> + +<p class="center" style="margin-top: -1em;"><span class="sc">A Pretty Little Song for Pettish Little Emperors</span>.<br /> +(<i>Latest Teutonic Version of Mr. Joseph Tabrar's Popular Song.</i>)</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/230.png"><img src="images/230-400.png" width="400" height="482" alt="'NANA WOULD NOT GIVE ME A BOW-WOW!'" /></a> + +<blockquote><p> +[The German Emperor is reported to have said, "It was impossible for me to anticipate the rejection of the Army Bills, so fully did I rely upon the +patriotism of the Imperial Diet to accept them unreservedly. A patriotic minority has been unable to prevail against the majority.... I was compelled +to resort to a dissolution, and I look forward to the acceptance of the Bills by the new Reichstag. Should this expectation be again disappointed, I am +determined to use every means in my power to achieve my purpose."—<i>The Times.</i>] +</p></blockquote></div> + + +<h4><i>Wilful Wilhelm sings</i>:—</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>You ask me why I do not smile; the reason you shall know;</p> +<p>I had a disappointment huge a day or two ago;</p> +<p>I asked my venerable Nurse to give me no more toys,</p> +<p>But just a little Dog of War to bite the other boys.</p> +<p class="i16"> <i>Spoken.</i> But oh!</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Audience</i> (<i>of Generals and Staff Officers</i>). What?</p> +<p>Nana wouldn't give me that bow-wow</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow!</p> +<p>The Reichstag wouldn't grant me that bow-wow!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow!</p> +<p>No; she denied me—flat.</p> +<p>Now, what do you think of <i>that</i>?</p> +<p>And I'd set my mind on that bow-wow-wow!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow-wow!</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Some years ago she did the same, the greedy bad old girl!</p> +<p>But I've set my mind upon that dog, sharp teeth and coat a-curl.</p> +<p>The other boys have got such tykes, and I should be a mug,</p> +<p>If when they run to mastiffs I'm put off with a small pug.</p> +<p class="i16"> <i>Audience.</i> Well?</p> +<p class="i16"> <i>Spoken.</i> Well,</p> +<p>I mean to make her give me that bow-wow!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow!</p> +<p>I'll worry her until she buys that bow-wow!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow!</p> +<p class="i2">I'll dissolve the Imperial Diet,</p> +<p class="i2">And I never <i>will</i> be quiet</p> +<p class="i2">Until I get that bow-wow-wow!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow-wow!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I always meant when I grew old to do just as I pleased,</p> +<p>I'd have a dozen bow-wows then, and if the old Trot teased</p> +<p>I'd shut her up, and everyone who backed her, like a shot;</p> +<p>For no one who opposes Me <i>can</i> be a pat-ri-ot!</p> +<p class="i16"> <i>Audience</i>. Why?</p> +<p class="i16"> <i>Spoken</i>. Because</p> +<p>France has got ahead with <i>her</i> bow-wow!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow!</p> +<p>Russia makes me jealous with <i>her</i> bow-wow!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow!</p> +<p class="i2">And now it is <i>my</i> turn</p> +<p class="i2">To leave them well astern,</p> +<p class="i2">And I <i>can't</i> without that bow-wow-wow!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow-wow!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I didn't shake old <span class="sc">Bizzy</span> off to take <span class="sc">Caprivi</span> up,</p> +<p>To let my old Nurse thwart me in my longing for this pup.</p> +<p>'Tis true that I have other tykes, a pack of 'em indeed—</p> +<p>But what of that? I want one more, of this particular breed.</p> +<p class="i16"> <i>Audience.</i> Well?</p> +<p class="i16"> <i>Spoken.</i> Well,</p> +<p>I will, whatever happens, have this bow-wow!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow!</p> +<p>I'll have it very soon, if not just now-now!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow!</p> +<p class="i2">My purpose I'll achieve,</p> +<p class="i2">And the Reichstag never leave</p> +<p>Until I get possession of that bow-wow-wow!</p> +<p class="i8">Wow-wow-wow!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">A Question of Title</span>.—A recent speech by Mr. <span class="sc">Lockwood</span>, +Q.C., M.P., on the Art of Cross-Examination has +been called "deliciously frank." Henceforth, the genial +Recorder of York is to be known as Mr. <span class="sc">Deliciously +Frank Lockwood</span>.</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A SOVEREIGN MAXIM.</h3> +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i16">He who risks the answer Nay,</p> +<p class="i16">When he asks he shall have <span class="sc">May</span>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:350px;"><a href="images/231.png"><img src="images/231-320.png" width="320" height="450" alt="WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST." /></a> +<h2>WHEN A MAN DOES <span style="text-decoration: underline;">NOT</span> LOOK HIS BEST.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">When perched on the Back Seat of a Friend's Dog-cart; can take no +part in the Conversation, and has to devote himself to Sticking on!</span></p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>IN SHEFFIELD PARK.</h3> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Monday, May 5, 1893.</span></p> + +<p class="center"><i>First Match of the Australian Cricketers against +Lord Sheffield's English Eleven.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>In Sheffield Park, in budding May!</p> +<p>True English scene, true cricket day,</p> +<p>A generous host, and glorious play!</p> +<p class="i8">A date to mark!</p> +<p>A well-fought match, the Cornstalks' first!</p> +<p>A summer sun, a noble thirst!</p> +<p>The Season's on us with a burst,</p> +<p class="i8">In Sheffield Park!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The wondrous veteran W. G.,</p> +<p>At forty-five scores sixty-three!</p> +<p>(At sixty-three <span class="sc">Grace</span> may we see</p> +<p class="i8">Score forty-five!)</p> +<p>Pleasant once more to have a peep</p> +<p>At those sharp eyes that never sleep,</p> +<p>Those bear's-paws that know how to keep</p> +<p class="i8">The game alive!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Safe <span class="sc">Shrewsbury</span> and giant <span class="sc">Gunn</span></p> +<p>At it once more! Oh Lords, what fun</p> +<p>To see them drive, and cut, and run!</p> +<p class="i8">A May-day lark</p> +<p>For elderly and paunchy lads!</p> +<p>Ah, Time his annual inches adds.</p> +<p><i>We</i> cannot buckle on the pads</p> +<p class="i8">In Sheffield Park!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet genuine pleasure still 'twill yield</p> +<p>To sit and watch, with noses peeled,</p> +<p><span class="sc">Coningham</span> smite and <span class="sc">Gregory</span> field.</p> +<p class="i8">How's that, Sir! Hark!</p> +<p>Thanks to <span class="sc">Grace</span>, <span class="sc">Shrewsbury</span>, and <span class="sc">Gunn</span>,</p> +<p><span class="sc">Lockwood</span> and <span class="sc">Briggs</span>—what glorious fun!—</p> +<p>The first big match we've neatly won</p> +<p class="i8">In Sheffield Park!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Now for a wet after our roast!</p> +<p>Lords no, there is no call to boast!</p> +<p>But in Lord <span class="sc">Sheffield</span> <i>what</i> a host</p> +<p class="i8">Cricketers mark!</p> +<p>Who will forget that lovely day,</p> +<p>'Midst lovely scenery in mid-May,</p> +<p>Who had the luck to watch the play</p> +<p class="i8">In Sheffield Park!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>(<span class="sc">Exeter</span>) <span class="sc">Hall Right.</span>—It is reported on +the highest authority that Prince <span class="sc">George</span> +has been recently engaged in May Meetings, +and has expressed himself as having been +extremely charmed and interested.</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MORE POWER TO MISS COBBE!</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"You say that you've a sovereign way</p> +<p class="i2">To end the placard pest;</p> +<p>Oh, Mistress <span class="sc">Cobbe</span>, reveal it, pray,</p> +<p class="i2">And give my spirit rest!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"You're very green, that may be seen,"</p> +<p class="i2">Th' aggressive dame did shout;</p> +<p>"The way to kill a noxious Bill</p> +<p class="i2">Is—just to throw it out.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Mid hills, in towns,—that's not so bad,—</p> +<p class="i2">And in the quiet lane,</p> +<p>We let the advertising cad</p> +<p class="i2">Tyrannically reign.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"So in my walks I take a brush,</p> +<p class="i2">Also a watering-can,</p> +<p>And on the hideous foe I rush,</p> +<p class="i2">And that's <i>my</i> little plan!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Without compunction, without haste,</p> +<p class="i2">Though passers-by may stare,</p> +<p>I strip the paper from its paste,</p> +<p class="i2">And leave the fragments there."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"<i>That</i> plan," I said, "I've never tried;</p> +<p class="i2">It shows, no doubt, devotion;</p> +<p>But is it legal?" She replied,</p> +<p class="i2">"<i>I've not the slightest notion!</i>"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span> + + +<h3>WAITING FOR THE PROCESSIONS.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>A Reminiscence of the Opening of the Imperial Institute.</i>)</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>—<i>The Hyde Park South Road, opposite the Cavalry Barracks.</i></p> +<blockquote><p style="margin-top: -1.2em;"> +<i>Closely-packed ranks of Sightseers have formed in front of the +long line of unharnessed carriages under the trees. Outside this +line the feebler folk, who invariably come on such occasions, and +never find the courage to trust themselves in the crowd, are wistfully +wandering, in the hope of procuring a place by some +miraculous interposition.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Lament of Feeble Females.</i> I <i>told</i> you how it would be—not the +<i>slightest</i> use staying here!... <i>I</i> can't see anything except a +lamp-post +and the top of a soldier's bearskin!... We might <i>just</i> as well +have stopped at home! (<i>Viciously.</i>) Where all the people <i>come</i> +from, <i>I</i> don't know! I'm sure we were here early <i>enough</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Comments by Feeble Males.</i> No—not much to be seen where we are, +certainly, but—um—I don't know that we're likely to do better +anywhere else.... Not the least good attempting to get in <i>there</i>. +Well, we can <i>try</i> lower down, of course, but it'll be just the same. +They ought to arrange these things +better!</p> + +<blockquote><p class="ind">[<i>They drift on discontentedly</i>.</p> +<p class="textind"><i>The Self-Helper</i> (<i>squeezing between +the wheels, and elbowing +himself past the people who have +been standing patiently there for +hours</i>).</p></blockquote> + +<p>By your leave—'ere, just +allow me to pass, please. Thenk +you. One moment, Mum. "No +right to push in 'ere," 'aven't I? +I've as much right as what <i>you</i> +'ave. Think the ole Park b'longs +to <i>you</i>, I suppose? You orter 'ave +a space roped in a-purpose for you, +<i>you</i> ought! Tork about selfishness!</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>He arrives triumphantly in the +foremost row, and obtains the +tolerance, if not the sympathy, of +all who are not near enough to be +inconvenienced by his presence.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Contented People in the Crowd.</i></p> + +<p>Oh, we shall do well enough 'ere. +They'll put their sunshades down +when the <span class="sc">Queen</span> passes ... I can +ketch a view between the 'eads +like. And you don't get the sun +under the trees ... Sha'n't have +much longer to wait <i>now</i>. She'll +be starting in another arf hour—(&c., +&c.)</p> + +<p><i>A Lady in a Landau</i> (<i>to her husband</i>). +I don't think we <i>could</i> have +done better, Horace—we shall see +everything; and it's quite amusing +to be close to the crowd, and +hear their remarks—<i>much</i> nicer +than being in one of the Stands!</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Her self-congratulations are cut +short by the arrival of three +Humorous Artisans, who have +taken a day off, and are in the +highest animal spirits.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>first Humorous Artisan</i>). You shove in first, +<span class="sc">Bill</span>—push +along, <span class="sc">Joe</span>; there's room for three little 'uns! Don't you mind +about <i>me</i>—I'll git up 'ere, and see over your 'eds.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>He mounts on +one of the front wheels of the landau, and holds on by the lamp.</i>)</p></blockquote> + +<p>I can see proper where <i>I</i> am. There's a lady fainted down there!</p> + +<p><i>Bill</i> (<i>the leading Buffoon of the Party</i>). I wonder if she's got any +money. If she 'as, I'll go and 'elp 'er!</p> + +<p><i>Joe.</i> She's all right now. The ambulance 'as come up—they're +standin' 'er on 'er 'ed!</p> + +<p><i>The Lady in the Landau</i> (<i>in an undertone</i>). <span class="sc">Horace</span>, we +can't +have this horrible man here—do make him get down!</p> + +<p><i>Horace</i> (<i>to Joe</i>). Here, I say, my friend, don't you think you'd +be more comfortable somewhere else?—that wheel is—er—not +exactly the place——</p> + +<p><i>Joe.</i> No offence, Guv'nor. Yer see, I ain't brought out <i>my</i> +brawm to-day, 'cos I'm 'avin' it varnished, and——</p> + +<p><i>Bill.</i> Why, don't yer <i>see</i>, <span class="sc">Joe</span>?—the lady's put 'er +'usband up to +invitin' you on the box-seat of 'er kerridge!—it all comes o' bein so +good lookin'—but take care what yer about, or your missus may +come by and ketch yer—which'll be unpleasant for all parties!</p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>to the owner of the Landau, with easy affability</i>). It's very +'orspitable of you and your good lady, Mister, but I'm very well +where I am—if I <i>should</i> want to set down later on, I'll tell yer. +(<i>To</i> <span class="sc">Bill</span>.) I can't think what they all <i>see</i> in me. +<i>I</i> don't encourage +'em!</p> + +<p><i>The Lady</i> (<i>in a rapid whisper</i>). No, <span class="sc">Horace</span>, for goodness +sake +<i>don't</i>—you'll only make them worse—we must put up with it. +(<i>They do.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Bill</i> (<i>affecting to recognise an imaginary friend across the road</i>). +'Ullo, if there ain't little <span class="sc">Alexander</span>! I knoo <i>'e'd</i> be 'ere. +What +cher, <span class="sc">Alec</span>, ole pal?</p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>playing up to him</i>). Ah, and there goes <span class="sc">Jack Gayner</span>! +You +can spot 'im anywhere by 'is eye-glass.</p> + +<p><i>Bill.</i> That's ole <span class="sc">Jack</span> all over, that is. 'E wouldn't come +out—not +on a day like this—without a <i>eyeglass</i>, <span class="sc">Jack</span> wouldn't. If it 'ad +ha' bin a Saturday now, 'e'd ha' 'ad <i>two</i>, to see 'is way 'ome by. +(<i>A gorgeous official passes on horseback.</i>) There y'ar—there's <span class="sc">Dan +Leno</span>. Way oh, <span class="sc">Danny</span>!</p> + +<p><i>Dick.</i> It's time 'Er Most Gracious come along, if she's goin' to +keep 'er character. If she don't make 'aste, I shan't 'ave time to get +'alf a pint afore I go 'ome!</p> + +<p><i>Bill</i> (<i>sentimentally</i>). Ah, if she on'y knoo the anxious arts she's +causin'! 'Ullo, see that bloke tryin' +to climb up on the wall there? If +I was one o' them sojers, I'd draw +my sword and do a noble deed +against <i>'im</i>, I would. He wouldn't +want to set down on no wall arter +<i>I'd</i> done with him!</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>By this time the two have secured +a delighted audience—of which +they are fully conscious.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Joe.</i> Time's very near up. <span class="sc">'Er +Majesty</span> ain't 'urryin 'erself.</p> + +<p><i>Bill</i> (<i>magnanimously</i>). Never +mind. Now I <i>am</i> 'ere, I'll stop +<i>'Er</i> time. I shouldn't like 'Er +to feel that there was somethink +wantin' to the success of the perceedins. +They say Royalty never +forgets a face!</p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>with the candour of intimacy</i>). +She won't see enough o' +yours to <i>forgit</i>, ole feller—you +ain't used <i>much</i> o' Pears' Soap this +mornin', you ain't!</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:350px;"><a href="images/232.png"><img src="images/232-320.png" width="320" height="450" alt="'She's costed me a deal already!'" /></a> + +<h4>She's costed me a deal already!"</h4></div> + +<p><i>Bill</i> (<i>in nowise pained by this +personality—which is only too well +founded</i>). Ah, it 'ud take "Monkey +Brand" and Fuller's Earth to git it +all orf o' <i>me</i>! (<i>There is a stir in +the crowd; a Mounted Police-sergeant +trots past</i>). There's somethink +up <i>now</i>. They're comin'. +I <i>will</i> 'oller when the <span class="sc">Queen</span> passes. +She's costed me a deal already, but +she ain't got <i>all</i> the money. I got +three 'apence of it in my pocket—though, +come to think of it, three +'apence laid out in pots o' four ale +among three with thusts for thirty +and loyalty laid on 'ot <i>and</i> cold all +over the premises—why, it don't go +so bloomin' fur, and don't you +forgit it!</p> + +<p><i>Dick.</i> 'Ere come the Life +Guards! smart lookin' lot o' chaps, ain't they?</p> + +<p><i>Bill</i> (<i>philosophically</i>). Ah, and when they done their time, them +fellers'll be glad to turn to plarsterin' or wood-choppin'—anythink +to gain their liveli'ood by. There's the Royalties. I can see the +people wavin' their 'ankerchiefs—them that's got em. <i>I</i> want to +wave somethink—'ere, lend me your bacco-pipe, will yer.</p> + +<p> [<i>An open carriaqe passes, containing personages in uniform.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dick.</i> 'Oo'll <i>that</i> lot be?</p> + +<p><i>Bill.</i> Why, that's the Markiss o' <span class="sc">Brickdust</span>—don't yer know +<i>'im</i>? And the one in front is the Dook o' <span class="sc">Drippin</span>'. Look at 'im a +larfin. Ain't 'e a gay ole chicking? 'Ere's some more o' them.</p> + +<p><i>The Crowd.</i> That is the Dook o' <span class="sc">Cambridge</span>. No, it ain't—that +was 'im in the fust kerridge. Go on—that was the <span class="sc">Edingboros</span>!... +Why, I tell yer, I see 'is white whiskers! There's the Princess +<span class="sc">May</span>! Which? 'Ooray! Lor, it's no good 'oorayin' <i>now</i>—she's +gone by long ago. Well, I <i>am</i> glad I've seen 'er, any'ow! Who +are them in the white 'elmets? Ostralians, I fancy. No, they ain't—they're +Canadians. Then who is it in the fancy dress, with slouch +'ats an' feathers on? Forriners o' <i>some</i> sort. Ain't them Indians +dressed up fine? Here come the creams. <i>Now</i> we shall see 'Er!</p> + +<p><i>Bill</i> (<i>with enthusiasm</i>). Brayvo! <span class="sc">Sanger's</span> ain't in it! +'Ooray, +'ooray! Lor, I could do with a ap'ny ice! Did yer see 'Er, Joe? +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span> +I caught 'Er Royal eye, I did. She didn't bow—'cos we ain't on those +terms—but she tipped me a wink, ser much as to say, "'Ullo, <span class="sc">Bill</span>, +ole feller, 'ow is it you ain't in the Institoot?" <i>Quite</i> forgittin' she +never sent me no ticket. But there, I dessay she's <i>lots</i> to think +about!</p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>to the occupants of the Landau</i>). You'll excuse me leavin' +yer for a bit, just to git a drink, won't yer? I'll be back in time +to see 'em return—if yer won't mind keepin' my place.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Exit, leaving them glaring in speechless indignation.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>The Crowd</i> (<i>breaking up</i>). Oh, I see it beautiful! She <i>did</i> +look +pleased, didn't she? I didn't notice partickler. I was lookin' at +the Percession.... Come along, that's all there is to be seen.... +Where's that silly ole man got to? I told 'im to be 'ere under this +tree; he wants more lookin' after than any—oh, <i>'ere</i> you are! +Well, you should ha' kept along with us, and you'd ha' seen well +enough! It <i>was</i> a pity our leavin' the whisky at 'ome—'tain't +<i>often</i> +I come out without it—and on a warm day like this, a drop 'ud ha' +done us <i>all</i> good!</p> + +<p><i>A Loyal Old Lady.</i> Ah, depend upon it, this Imperial Institoot +'ull do good to Trade. Why, there's one o' them men with the iced +lemonade cans sold out a'ready!</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>HOW'S THAT FOR—HIGH-TEA?</h3> + +<p class="center"> +[A learned Judge is recently reported to have anxiously inquired the +meaning of "high-tea."] +</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>His Lordship looked puzzled. He ransacked his brain;</p> +<p>His once beaming brow was contracted with pain.</p> +<p>Till my Lord stopped the Counsel, in saying, "Let's see,</p> +<p>Before you proceed, what is meant by 'high-tea'?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"I was called to the Bar such a long time ago!</p> +<p>But I flatter myself that I've learnt now to know</p> +<p>All the ropes pretty well, yet completely at sea</p> +<p>I confess that I am with this curious 'high-tea.'</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Now I own that I know an Oxonian 'wine,'</p> +<p>Though a 'cocoa' at Newnham is more in my line,</p> +<p>Whilst dinner and lunch are familiar to me.</p> +<p>So is supper. But what—tell me, <i>what</i> is 'high-tea'?"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The Counsel explained in his very best style,</p> +<p>(Though he often indulged, on the sly, in a smile,)</p> +<p>And the Judge was as eager as eager could be</p> +<p>To learn all the rites that belong to "high-tea."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But the sequel to all was a square little note</p> +<p>Next day from a blue-blooded Duchess who wrote</p> +<p>To the Judge, and this Dame of the highest degree</p> +<p>Had invited his Lordship to come to—<span class="sc">High-Tea</span>!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>DIARY OF A "H. D."</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>At the Service of the Departmental Committee on the Treatment +of Inebriates.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Monday.</i>—I am afraid that I can no longer resist the temptation +to return to my customary diet. This morning my breakfast was +spoiled by finding that the <i>pièce de résistance</i> was corked. And this +when I pay 96<i>s.</i> a dozen, and the vintage is 1884! However, it +could not be helped, and I managed to exist until lunch. Then came +another disappointment. I had purposely ordered a light repast, as +I had not much appetite. But I did intend to take it with soda-water—not +neat. At dinner I managed to get through a biscuit, +and as it was "devilled," it gave me renewed relish for the +morning's champagne. This time the bottles were in excellent condition, +and I quite forgot that earlier in the day one of them had +been corked. All in the half-dozen were in perfect condition—especially +the last magnum. I do not know how I got to bed.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—When I find that I have not removed my boots overnight, +I know that I require a pick-me-up. A friend joined me at +breakfast, and we both thought the champagne excellent. My friend +<span class="sc">Brown</span>, or perhaps it was <span class="sc">Jones</span>, and now I come to think of it, +it +may have been <span class="sc">Robinson</span>. And yet, when I consider the matter, +there may have been three of them. I tried to count them, and it +took me half the morning. Well, <span class="sc">Brown</span>, or whoever he was, is a +very good fellow. Most amusing, and an excellent audience. He +laughs at everything. Whether you mean it to be funny or not, he +laughs. I like him as a brother. A thoroughly good fellow. We +had a most interesting discussion about the right pronunciation of +Constitution. He said it was in two syllables. I said it was in one. +I think I was right. We had a long chat about it after dinner. First +we talked about it over the port, and then under the table. I don't +know how I managed to get home, but I have a firm belief that it +was all right—quite all right.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Found my boots again on my feet when recovering +consciousness. So this is the second time I must have slept in them. +I feel excessively melancholy. I have wept very much, and were it +not for the supporting-powers of whiskey, I am sure I should be +much worse. However, there is only one thing to be done—to keep +at it. One bottle down, another come on. I have floored no end of +a lot of them. Strange to say that I am now happy after all my +sorrow of this morning. Everything is right but the lamp-posts. +They are all wrong. Getting in my way on my road home. I feel +awfully tired. However, seems to be my duty to interfere in a +street-row.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—It appears I had an altercation with the police last +night. I am free, but sorrowful. I really must put myself under +restraint. I feel almost certain that I have given way to intemperance. +On appealing to <span class="sc">Brown</span> (or whoever he is), he says I have +been as drunk as a fly for ages. This hurts me very much. Only +thing to do is to retire into a retreat. Have, with the assistance +of <span class="sc">Brown</span> (or whoever he is), drawn up the application. +It looks right enough. And, as this is my last chance for some time to +come, I and <span class="sc">Brown</span> (or whoever he is) are going to make a night of it.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Boots again! <span class="sc">Brown</span> (or whoever he is) called with +two doctors. I said I couldn't be bothered with them. <span class="sc">Brown</span> (or whoever +he is) said I must. So I saw them. They say that the Act requires +that I must understand what I am doing. All right—going +into retreat. Word "retreat" should be pronounced as one syllable. +All right, they have made the statutory declaration.</p> + +<p><i>Saturday.</i>—Here I am. Charming place, away from drink, and +ought to do well for the next fortnight. Can't remember how long +I promised to stay, but know it was for some considerable time. I +have just seen the Superintendent. He says he is very sorry, but I +cannot stay any longer. This, in spite of it appearing that I have +signed an application undertaking to remain for life. Can't make it +out. Rather vague about what I have been doing during the week, but +know I wanted to cure myself from habitual inebriety. Superintendent +says he must turn me out under the statute. Appears that I +signed the application for admission when I was not absolutely sober. +Can't be helped. Out I go. Well, there are worse things in the world +than whiskey and port. I have a notion that I am booked for +another night in my boots!</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/233.png"><img src="images/233-300.png" width="300" height="277" alt="NOTE AND QUERY." /></a> +<h4>NOTE AND QUERY.</h4> + +<p class="center"><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>to Companion</i>). "<span class="sc">I Say, Bill, which o' these Two's +taken the Prize</span>?"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE RECENTLY-ELECTED R.A.'S.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The pictures these talented gentlemen show</p> +<p class="i2">Monotonous never appear;</p> +<p>Waves, woods, and (say) Wenice, <span class="sc">MacWhirter</span> & Co.</p> +<p class="i2">Depict for us year after year.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Woods</span> always paints Venice, the place that brought forth</p> +<p class="i2">A Moor, but <span class="sc">Moore's</span> chattels and goods</p> +<p>Are seas, not calm south ones, but those of the north,</p> +<p class="i2">Whilst <span class="sc">North</span> and <span class="sc">MacWhirter</span> paint woods.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">A Debt of Honour.</span>—Will the verse described as <i>Ode</i> by Mr. +<span class="sc">William Morris</span> be paid with the Poet Laureateship?</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/234.png"><img src="images/234-600.png" width="600" height="372" alt="WHAT WEDDING PRESENTS ARE COMING TO." /></a> +<h4>WHAT WEDDING PRESENTS ARE COMING TO.</h4> + +<p><i>She.</i> <span class="sc">"I don't see <i>my</i> Cheque anywhere!"</span></p> + +<p><i>He.</i> "<span class="sc">A—can I help you? What Name</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh—well—mine is hardly a Cheque. A—it's a Postal Order, you +know, for Fifteen Shillings</span>!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>OUR OWN AMBASSADOR.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>Mr. Punch, meeting Columbia at the World's +Fair, thus greeteth her:—</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Columbia</span> by Lake Michigan</p> +<p class="i2">A treasure-dome did late decree;</p> +<p>And all the world, in summer, ran,</p> +<p>In numbers measureless by man,</p> +<p class="i2">The Wondrous Show to see!</p> +<p>There many miles of fertile ground</p> +<p>With walls and towers were girdled round:</p> +<p>And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills</p> +<p class="i2">Surrounding halls of vast machinery.</p> +<p>And all earth's products, from fine arts to pills,</p> +<p class="i2">Massed in that maze by that great inland sea.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Fast, from that deep romantic chasm which slanted</p> +<p>Through Colorado, the Grand Cañon; over</p> +<p>Yellowstone's marvel—teeming miles enchanted;</p> +<p>Far-sweeping prairies erst by redskins haunted;</p> +<p>Steaming and railing, like bee-swarms to clover,</p> +<p>The world-crowd swept, with ceaseless turmoil seething;</p> +<p>It seemed the earth in eager pants was breathing</p> +<p>In a great race to see who should be first</p> +<p>Into that many-acred Show to burst,</p> +<p>And conquering <span class="sc">Columbia</span> there to hail</p> +<p>Creation-licker on colossal scale.</p> +<p>By Michigan's large lake, once and for ever,</p> +<p>Surpassing other Shows, in park, by river,</p> +<p>O'er miles meandering, this last Yankee Notion</p> +<p>Through wood and meadow like a river ran,</p> +<p>Vast Exposition of the Arts of Man!</p> +<p>Hyde Park compared therewith stirred small emotion,</p> +<p>And proud <span class="sc">Columbia</span>, waving Stripes and Stars,</p> +<p>Cried, "The White City whips the Champ de Mars!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The shadow of that dome of treasure</p> +<p class="i2">Floated midway on the wave.</p> +<p class="i2">(See <span class="sc">Castaigne's</span> drawings—they're a pleasure—</p> +<p class="i2">In the May <i>Century</i> pictured brave.)</p> +<p>It was a miracle of rare device,</p> +<p>Costing "a pile," but cheap at any price!</p> +<p class="i2">A damsel with a five-stringed "Jo"</p> +<p class="i2">In a vision once I saw;</p> +<p class="i2">It was an Alabama maid,</p> +<p class="i2">And on her banjo light she played,</p> +<p class="i2">Singing of sweet Su-san-nah!</p> +<p class="i2">Could I revive within me</p> +<p class="i2">Amphion's lyric song,</p> +<p class="i2">To such a deep delight 'twould win me</p> +<p>As the music loud and long</p> +<p>That sure did raise this dome in air,</p> +<p>That mighty dome!—those halls of price!</p> +<p><span class="sc">Columbia's</span> magic set them there,</p> +<p>And all who see cry, "Rare! O rare!</p> +<p>This beats great <span class="sc">Kubla Khan's</span> device!</p> +<p>Chicago outsoars Xanadu!</p> +<p><span class="sc">Columbia's</span> World's Fair here on view</p> +<p class="i6">Eclipses <span class="sc">Shedad's</span> Paradise!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>There, Madam! <i>The</i> British Ambassador, <i>Punch</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">Has borrowed the lyre of the Opium-eater</p> +<p>To praise your unparalleled feat! By his hunch</p> +<p class="i2">'Twould tax that great master of magic and metre</p> +<p>To do it full justice. To paint such a vision</p> +<p class="i2">The limner need call on the aid of the Poppy.</p> +<p>It is a Big Blend of the Truly Elysian,</p> +<p class="i2">And (you'll comprehend!) the Colossally Shoppy!</p> +<p>Mix <span class="sc">Haroun Alraschid</span> with Mr. <span class="sc">McKinley</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">And Yellowstone Park with a Persian Bazaar,</p> +<p>And <i>then</i> the <i>ensemble</i> is sketched in but thinly.</p> +<p class="i2">For brush and for pen 'tis too mighty by far.</p> +<p>The fragment of <span class="sc">Coleridge</span> hinted at wonders</p> +<p class="i2">His Dream might have shown, had it ever been finished.</p> +<p><span class="sc">Columbia</span>, I bear o'er the ocean that sunders</p> +<p class="i2">But cannot un-kin us, the love undiminished</p> +<p>Of all whom I speak for—that's England all over—</p> +<p class="i2">Here's luck, in a bumper, to you and your Show!</p> +<p>Ambassador <i>Punch</i>, your Admirer and Lover,</p> +<p class="i2">Believes the World's Fair will turn out a Great Go!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Music in May</span>.—Albert Hall gave a good +Concert last Wednesday night. <span class="sc">C. V. Stanford's</span> +"<i>East to West</i>," libretto by Poet +<span class="sc">Swinburne</span>, is cleverish. To encores Sir +<span class="sc">Joseph Barnby</span> says, as a rule, "Not for Sir +<span class="sc">Joseph</span>." Quite right. Miss <span class="sc">Palliser</span>, known +as Miss <span class="sc">Buckingham Palliser</span>, because she +sang at a Court Concert, charming; and Mr. +<span class="sc">E. J. Lloyd</span> as <i>The Old Obadiah</i>, excellent. +Chorus, like the weather, very fine; Orchestra +set fair, or fair set. Hall full, but, now and +again, it's a Hall-full place for sound.</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:650px;"><a href="images/235.png"><img src="images/235-400.png" width="400" height="489" alt="OUR OWN AMBASSADOR." /></a> +<h4>OUR OWN AMBASSADOR.</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. Punch</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="sc">Columbia</span>), "CONGRATULATE YOU, MY +DEAR!—QUITE 'THE BIGGEST SHOW ON EARTH'!!!"</p></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> + + +<h3>ANILINE.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>After Tennyson's "Adeline."</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>All around one daily sees</p> +<p class="i2">Dreadful dyes of Aniline.</p> +<p class="i2">Worn by women fat and thin,</p> +<p>Bonnet, bodice, back and breast.</p> +<p class="i2">One can hardly call thee fair,</p> +<p class="i2">With thy fierce magenta glare,</p> +<p>With thy green, the green of peas,</p> +<p>Violet, and all the rest.</p> +<p class="i2">What appalling tints are thine,</p> +<p class="i2">Showy, glowy Aniline!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Whence did modern women get</p> +<p class="i2">Such a gorgeous array?</p> +<p>Dear to <span class="sc">'Arry's 'Arriet</span></p> +<p class="i2">On a 'appy 'oliday,</p> +<p>'Owlin', out on 'Ampstead 'Eath,</p> +<p>From the 'ill to 'im beneath.</p> +<p class="i2">Also dear to girls who sell</p> +<p class="i4">Flowers in the London street,</p> +<p class="i2">They have always loved thee well</p> +<p class="i4">In their frocks and feathers neat.</p> +<p class="i2">Why revive those tints of thine,</p> +<p class="i2">Antiquated Aniline?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Thou hast almost made us blind</p> +<p class="i2">Under England's cloudless skies;</p> +<p class="i4">Low-toned tints of Orient,</p> +<p class="i6">Such as Turkish rugs adorn,</p> +<p class="i2">Would be better for our eyes—</p> +<p class="i4">Now upon the pavement bent</p> +<p class="i6">Since such blazers have been worn.</p> +<p>Say, has Paris sent to us</p> +<p>Dyes so dreadfully defined?</p> +<p class="i4">Do the tyrant <i>modistes</i> bring</p> +<p class="i2">Colours so calamitous,</p> +<p class="i2">Mixed in ways more fearful still,</p> +<p class="i4">In this strangely sunny spring?</p> +<p class="i2">Oh, before thou mak'st us ill,</p> +<p class="i4">Take away that glare of thine,</p> +<p class="i4">Unæsthetic Aniline!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/237.png"><img src="images/237-380.png" width="380" height="480" alt="KINDLY MEANT." /></a> +<h4>KINDLY MEANT.</h4> + +<p><i>Mr. Macmonnies</i> (<i>an old Friend</i>). <span class="sc">"Well, look here, Old Man, +I'll tell you what really brought me here to-day. The Fact is my Wife wants +her Mother painted very badly—and I naturally thought of You!"</span> </p></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Sale of the Clifden and High Price Pictures</span>. +—"The Wife of Burgomaster +Six" went for over +£7000. This wife of Burgomaster +Half-a-dozen was a +marvellous specimen of a +woman. The Burgomaster +was so faithful a husband +that "Six to One" has long +since become a homely +proverb.</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">A Useful Toole.</span>—<i>Mr. +Punch</i> was much surprised +one day last week to see +on the evening newspaper +placards:—</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Toole in the Box.</span></p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">A Lucky Dog.</span></p> + </div> </div> + +<blockquote><p>Was "the Box" a new +piece to be put on at +the distant period when +<i>Walker, London</i>, fails to +attract? No! The hero +of <i>Homburg</i> had only been +helping in the <i>Lucky Dog</i> +Fight—merely a case of +<i>Verbum Sapte et Alport</i>, +or a Word for <span class="sc">Sapte</span> and +<span class="sc">Alport</span>.</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">The Shortest Passage +on Record.</span>—Aberdeen +to Canada at a pen-stroke.</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h3>SIC ITUR AD—ASTOR!</h3> + +<h4>[The American Millionnaire has purchased Cliveden.]</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Rule, Britannia</span>! 'Twas Cliveden's fair walls which first heard</p> +<p>That stout patriot strain—which may now sound absurd</p> +<p>"<i>Yankee Doodle</i>" indeed might more fittingly ring</p> +<p>"In Cliveden's proud alcove," which <span class="sc">Pope</span> stooped to sing.</p> +<p>O Picknickers muse; and, O oarsmen, repine!</p> +<p>Those fair hanging woods, <span class="sc">Bull</span>, no longer are thine.</p> +<p>Our high-mettled racers may pass o'er the sea—</p> +<p>Shall sentiment challenge <i>thy</i> claims, L. S. D.?</p> +<p>Our pictures may go without serious plaint—</p> +<p>What are the best pictures but canvas and paint?</p> +<p>Our Press? Let the alien toff take his pick.</p> +<p>When the Dollar dictates shall mere patriots kick?</p> +<p>Our hills and our forests? If Oil-kings appear,</p> +<p>And want them—for cash—as preserves for their deer.</p> +<p>Down, down with mere pride—so they're down with the dust!</p> +<p>Mammon's word is the great categorical Must!</p> +<p>The Dollar's Almighty, the Millionnaire's King!</p> +<p>Sell, sell <i>anyone</i> who'll bid <i>high—anything</i>.</p> +<p>What offers for—London? Who bids for—the Thames?</p> +<p>Cracks go, Cliveden follows. What Briton condemns?</p> +<p>Cash rules. For the Dollar-King <span class="sc">Bull</span> shies his castor.</p> +<p>Buy! Buy! That's the cry, <span class="sc">John</span>. <i>Sic itur ad</i>—<span class="sc">Astor</span>!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Booked at the Lyceum Box-Office.</span>—Four nights a week <i>Becket</i> +is given. Programme is varied on the other two nights. A simple +gentleman said to the Clerk at the Box-Office, "I want two stalls." +<i>The Clerk.</i> "<i>For Becket?</i>" "No," returned the simple one; "for +<i>me</i>."</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h3>SOMETHING FOR NOTHING.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—From a communication to one of the daily +papers, it appears that "a hundred ladies and gentlemen who +find the works of <span class="sc">Hendrik Ibsen</span> (perhaps not all for exactly the +same reasons, but who agree in finding them) among the most interesting +productions of the modern theatre, have guaranteed the estimated +expenses of a series of twelve performances, at which three +of <span class="sc">Ibsen's</span> plays will be presented." This arrangement is carried +out by "each guarantor receiving in seats at the current theatrical +prices the full value of his subscription," as "the State will not subsidize +a theatre, and no millionnaire seems inclined to endow one."</p> + +<p>This is clear enough, but it has occurred to me that, as after the +first few performances there may be a goodly number of untenanted +seats, it would be as well to provide auxiliary aid to fill them. It +would scarcely be fair to call upon the guarantors to pay the audience +to be present at the "entertainments" provided for their amusement. +And yet, unless the houses are good, the actors will not do themselves +justice, and the plays of <span class="sc">Hendrik Ibsen</span> will suffer in consequence. +I fear that it would be revolting to humanity to insist upon the +attendance of the less intelligent inmates of the Asylum for Idiots, +and yet here would be an appropriate path out of the difficulty. +Under the circumstances, could not the State (with the aid of a +short Act of Parliament) still render assistance? I see no reason +why thieves and other dishonest characters should not have a +portion of their sentences remitted on condition that they attended +the IBSEN performances. Such an arrangement would save the +rate-payers the expense of the prisoners' keep. The audience I have +suggested would also be free from temptation, for when they were +assisting at a representation of one of <span class="sc">Ibsen's</span> plays, I venture to +believe +they would find nothing worth stealing.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">A Practical Man.</span></p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:450px;"><a href="images/238a.png"><img src="images/238a-340.png" width="340" height="454" alt="WASTED IRONY." /></a><h4>WASTED IRONY.</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">"Who's that Down-stairs, Jane?"—"Some Friends of mine, Ma'am."</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">"But you had some Friends yesterday, Jane!"—"Yes, Ma'am."</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">"And on Monday Night!"—"Yes, Ma'am."</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">"Don't you think you had better have a regular Day at Home +each Week?"—"Thank you, Ma'am! That will be very Nice!"</span></p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + +<p><i>House of Commons, May 8.</i>—"What a day we are having, to be +sure!" said <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>, rubbing his hands and smiling delightedly. +Things certainly pretty lively to begin with; +just got into Committee on Home-Rule Bill; <span class="sc">Charlie</span> +(my <span class="sc">Darling</span>) was to have opened Debate with Amendment +on first line of First Clause; but, as he subsequently +explained to sympathetic Committee, he was +weighed down with feeling of diffidence. House, touched +with this unusual weakness on part of Member for Deptford, +readily accepted volunteered service of <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>, +who undertook to say a few words on another +Amendment whilst <span class="sc">Darling</span> was recovering.</p> + +<p>No diffidence about <span class="sc">Joseph</span>. As he observed in stormiest +epoch of sitting, he was as cool as a cucumber. "A +cucumber with full allowance of vinegar and pepper," +<span class="sc">Squire</span> of <span class="sc">Malwood</span> added, in one of those asides with +which he varies the silence of Treasury Bench. Well +there was someone at that temperature. Committee, +take it all together, in volcanic mood. Peculiarity of +situation, as <span class="sc">Saunderson</span> put it, with some mixing of +metaphor, was that "it was the cucumber that kept the +pot a-boiling." Whenever any sign of placidity was +visible, <span class="sc">Joseph</span> sure to appear on scene, rub someone's +hair the wrong way, or stir up some slumbering lion +with long pole.</p> + +<p>"Ever stop to watch the Punch show in the streets, +<span class="sc">Toby</span>?" said <span class="sc">Plunket</span>. "No, I suppose not; rather +personal; recall days before you went into politics. Confess +I always do; been chuckling just now over idea that +here we have the whole thing played out. There's <i>Mr. +Punch</i> in person of Mr. G. Up comes a head, <span class="sc">Grandolph's</span>, +or someone else's; down comes the baton in the form of +the Closure. Everyone supposes that Law and Order are +established and things will go smoothly, when suddenly up +springs <span class="sc">Joey</span>, cool as a cucumber, and upsets everything +again. There's nothing new under the sun, not even proceedings +in obstruction of Home-Rule Bill."</p> + +<p>After dinner <span class="sc">Solicitor-General</span> discovered seated on +Treasury Bench. A great thirst for speech from him suddenly +afflicted Opposition. Mr. G. spoke, and <span class="sc">John Morley</span> +moved the Closure, but nothing would satisfy them save +speech from <span class="sc">Rigby</span>. Pauses in conversation were filled by +cries upon his name. He sat unresponsive, looking wiser +than ever, but still unspeakably wise.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Darling's</span> Amendment got rid of with assistance of +Closure. <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> rushed in; hotly moved to report progress. +Only ten o'clock; two hours more before Debate +adjourned. This merrily filled up with divisions, shouting, +and scenes. <span class="sc">Grandolph's</span> motion to Report Progress being +negatived on division. <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> moved that Chairman +leave the Chair, division on which just tided Committee over +twelve o'clock, without chance of doing more work.</p> + +<p>"I feel twelve years younger," said <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>, coming +in from last division. "Reminds me of first Session of 1880 +Parliament, when we sat below Gangway there, and bandied +about these alternative resolutuions, me moving to Report Progress; +then, when we came back again, <span class="sc">Wolffy, Gorst</span>, or +sometimes, to give the boy a turn, <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> moved +that Chairman leave the Chair. That was long before he +came into his princedom. House of Commons pretty dull +these six years back. After all, it's the same old place, and, +if we give our mind to it, we can have the same old game."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Got into Committee on Home Rule Bill.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Noisiest evening we have enjoyed since Parliament +elected. Peculiarity of situation was that everybody, +not excluding Chairman of Committees, strenuously anxious +to preserve order. Quiet enough till <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> appeared +on scene, then followed the ordinary cool-cucumbery results. +<span class="sc">Tim Healy</span> torn with anxiety that <span class="sc">Joseph</span> should limit himself +strictly to Motion before Committee. Sort of triangular +duel; <span class="sc">Joseph</span> at corner Bench below Gangway to right of +Chair; <span class="sc">Tim</span> in corresponding position opposite; <span class="sc">Mellor</span> in +(and out of) Chair; all three on their feet simultaneously; +Committee assisting in general desire for peace and order by +tumultuous shouting. <span class="sc">Tim</span> fired furiously at <span class="sc">Joseph</span>; +<span class="sc">Joseph</span> answered shot for shot; Chairman pegged away +alternately at both.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/238b.png"><img src="images/238b-400.png" width="400" height="253" alt="HOME RULE ENTERTAINMENT St Stephens" /></a> + +<h4>"Joey up again!" Scene from the Parliamentary Show.</h4></div> + +<p>Then <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>, finding temptation irresistible, romped +in. "I move," he said, "that the words be taken down." +Very well; quite so; but what words? The Chamber was +full of words, surging like the waters at Lodore. Which +particular ones would <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> like taken down? +Turned out that his desire centred upon almost the only words +that had not been uttered. "I distinctly heard the Member for +Louth say, 'You are knocked up.'" So <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> solemnly +declared, standing at table.</p> +<div class="figleft" style="width:300px;"><a href="images/240a.png"><img src="images/240a-100.png" width="100" height="186" alt="Mr. J. G. L-ws-n ..." /></a> +<p><i>Mr. J. G. L-ws-n, having found in a +dictionary the Irish word for "a +House of Commons," obliges:—</i><br /><br /></p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>In Irish, I will sing it clear,</p> +<p>There's a name for the House which you shall hear.</p> +<p>(<i>Spoken</i>) Which is</p> +<p>(<i>Sings</i>) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looral</p> +<p class="i6"> Ri-az tolooral ri do!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p style="float: right;">[<i>Chorus everybody.</i></p> + </div> </div></div> + +<p>Whilst Irish Members popped up like +parched peas on Benches below Gangway, <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> took +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span> +opportunity of looking over his notes, and Chairman, standing at +table, forlornly wrung his hands, <span class="sc">Tim Healy</span> sat a model of +Injured Innocence. As it turned +out he, by rare chance, had not +spoken at all. This made clear +upon testimony of <span class="sc">Macartney</span> +and <span class="sc">Johnston</span> of Ballykilbeg. +What <span class="sc">Tim</span> felt most acutely +was, not being thus groundlessly +charged with disorderly +speech, but that <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>, +for whom he has a warm respect, +should imagine that if he <i>had</i> +an observation to offer in the +circumstances, it would be one +so frivolously harmless as that +cited. To observe to somebody +"You are knocked up," might, +with tone of commiseration +thrown in, be a friendly, almost +an affectionate, remark. Why +the words, if uttered at all, +should be taken down, no one +could even guess. <span class="sc">Tim</span> sat in +deep dejection, overborne by +this unexpected and undeserved +contumely. Parched-pea +business on Benches round him +became contagious; <span class="sc">Mellor</span> up +and down in the Chair with +corresponding motion; <span class="sc">Swift +MacNeill</span> shouting something +at top of his voice; Ross rising +to explain; <span class="sc">Johnston</span> of Ballykilbeg +actually +explaining; <span class="sc">Macartney</span> +saying +something; <span class="sc">Tommy +Bowles</span>, not +to be out of it, +moving that somebody +else's words +be taken down. At length, in comparative lull in +storm, Chairman adroitly signalled to <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>, +who continued his speech. Members, generally, gratefully +availed themselves of his interposition to take +their breath.</p> + +<p>"Do you know, <span class="sc">Toby</span>, what this reminds me of?" +said Earl <span class="sc">Spencer</span>, looking down on turbulent scene +from Peers' Gallery. "Carries me back to boyhood's +days, and what used to happen when, in temporary +absence of head-master, French usher took charge of +the school."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">J. G. Lawson</span>, on spending time in Library, looking +up native name for proposed Legislative Assembly +in Dublin. Found what it used to be called when +<span class="sc">Brian</span> was King; written name down, tries to pronounce +it. <span class="sc">Tim Healy</span> says, as far as he can make +out, <span class="sc">Lawson</span> is speaking Welsh; it is suggested that +Chairman shall put Question. <span class="sc">Mellor</span> says he's +quite enough to do to put Amendments in English; +declines to attempt the Irish. <span class="sc">Lawson</span> withdraws, +using awful language, which he insists is Irish. It +sounds even worse.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Blusterous.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/239.png"><img src="images/239-600.png" width="600" height="433" alt="OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE." /></a> +<h4>OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE.</h4> + +<p class="center">(<i>Rough Sketch by Our Artist without elbow-room.</i>)</p></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page240a" id="page240a"></a>[pg 240 (cont.)]</span> +<p><i>Saturday Morning.</i>—Another afternoon in Committee on Home-Rule +Bill. Not so lively as yesterday, but equal amount of business +not done, which, after all is the thing. House fairly full; gunpowder +lying about in all directions, as shown by occasional flash; and one +regular explosion. Went off to Library; sat in quiet corner with +<span class="sc">Prince Arthur's</span> last book in hand. Fancy I must have fallen +asleep; found tall figure sitting next to me; drowsily recognised +<span class="sc">Raikes</span>. Couldn't be <span class="sc">Raikes</span>, you know; long ago gone to another +place. Yet figure unmistakeable, and voice well remembered. Seem +to have been asking him question.</p> + +<p>"What do I think about new Chairman?" he was saying. +"Well, of course, that is a delicate question to put to me; was +Chairman myself for many sessions; know every thorn in the +cushion of the seat. It is, I should say, the most difficult post in +House; far more so than <span class="sc">Speaker's</span>. <span class="sc">Speaker</span> is robed about with +authority that does not pertain to Chairman. Observations which, +addressed to <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, would be flat blasphemy, are, when flung at +Chairman of Ways and Means, merely choleric words. Apart from +that, position is, through long stretches of sitting, more arduous. +When full-dress debate going on, <span class="sc">Speaker</span> of judgment and experience +can go easy; may even, upon occasion, strategically doze. +One did in times not so long ago, and was caught <i>flagrante asleepoh</i>. +<span class="sc">Mackworth Praed</span> was Member of the House then; made little +speech in verse on incident. You remember it?</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Sleep, Mr. <span class="sc">Speaker</span>; it's surely fair,</p> +<p>If you don't in your bed, that you should in your Chair;</p> +<p>Longer and longer still they grow,</p> +<p>Tory and Radical, Aye and No</p> +<p>Talking by night, and talking by day.</p> +<p>Sleep, Mr. <span class="sc">Speaker</span>; sleep, sleep, while you may.</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figright" style="width:300px;"><a href="images/240b.png"><img src="images/240b-300.png" width="300" height="227" alt="Blind Man's Buff with the Chairman; or, 'The Mellor and His Men.'" /></a> +<h4>Blind Man's Buff with the Chairman; or, "The Mellor and His Men."</h4></div> + +<p>"Chairman must be on alert every moment in Committee. Rule +under his jurisdiction is conversation as opposed to speech-making +when <span class="sc">Speaker</span> in Chair. Any moment out of depths of <ins title="Transcriber's Note: 'dulness' is an alternative spelling for 'dullness'. (Oxford Online Dictionary).">dulness</ins> may +suddenly rise a whirlwind, which he is expected forthwith to ride. +Especially in connection with Bill like this now before Committee, +Chairman is in state of tension from time he takes Chair till he +leaves. Don't forget all this when you criticise <span class="sc">Mellor</span>, still new +to place. He's a good fellow, and a shrewd one; but has, among +other difficulties, to fight against proneness to good-nature. Good-nature +out of place in the Chair. <span class="sc">Courtney</span> knew that, and successfully +overcame his natural tendencies. <span class="sc">Mellor</span> too anxious to +oblige. Must get over that. Above all, should never explain. +Suddenly called upon for decision on knotty point, must needs make +mistake sometimes. If he does, unless it be very serious, <i>he should +stick to it</i>. For Chairman of Committees, better to be in the wrong +and uphold authority of Chair, than to wriggle into the right at its +expense. <span class="sc">Mellor</span> should be more monosyllabic in his style, more +ruthless in his dealing with disorderly interruption, more wary +about putting his foot down, but, being planted, it should be immovable. +It would make his fortune if he could only name +<span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>. That would be difficult, I know, for <span class="sc">Joey C.</span> is +sly, +dev'lish sly. He should begin with <span class="sc">Jemmy Lowther</span>, who gives +plenty of chances. Thence he might work upwards. Is that a bell +ringing? Yes. Must be off, or I'll get shut out. We've lately +adopted the Early Closing Movement."</p> + +<p>Certainly bell was ringing; it was for Division on Clause I. Still +fact seems to run on all fours with what I remember <span class="sc">Raikes</span> talking +of just now. Yet, again, when one comes to think of it, can a bell +run on all fours? Everything very strange. Shall go and vote.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Clause I. agreed to.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>TO THE WOOLSACK.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Sincere congratulations for</p> +<p>Our conscience-keeping Chancellor.</p> +<p>Whom lawyers know as <span class="sc">Herschell, C.</span></p> +<p>Is now Lord <span class="sc">Herschell</span>, G.C.B.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p><span class="sc">An Addition to the Calendar.</span>—Sir <span class="sc">Somers Vine</span>, in recognition +of his services in connection with the Imperial Institute, +has been appointed a Companion of St. Michael and St. George. And +why not? He will be found excellent company.</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<table align="center" summary="note" style="margin-top: 5em;"> +<tr><td class="note"> +<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4> + +<p>Missing and illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired.</p> + +<p>The remaining correction is indicated by dotted lines underneath.</p> +<p style="margin-top:-1em;">Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p> + + +</td></tr></table> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +104, May 20, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 26769-h.htm or 26769-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/7/6/26769/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> + + diff --git a/26769-h/images/229a-400.png b/26769-h/images/229a-400.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3a2970e --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/229a-400.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/229a.png b/26769-h/images/229a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a3c3245 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/229a.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/229b-150.png b/26769-h/images/229b-150.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..745d7cd --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/229b-150.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/229b.png b/26769-h/images/229b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aeb2500 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/229b.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/230-400.png b/26769-h/images/230-400.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a5a820b --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/230-400.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/230.png b/26769-h/images/230.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..10c3f3d --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/230.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/231-320.png b/26769-h/images/231-320.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4ecb133 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/231-320.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/231.png b/26769-h/images/231.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8528e73 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/231.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/232-320.png b/26769-h/images/232-320.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1eaac0e --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/232-320.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/232.png b/26769-h/images/232.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f4f087a --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/232.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/233-300.png b/26769-h/images/233-300.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f08086 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/233-300.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/233.png b/26769-h/images/233.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..efe2f91 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/233.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/234-600.png b/26769-h/images/234-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..18f867e --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/234-600.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/234.png b/26769-h/images/234.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..21b5120 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/234.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/235-400.png b/26769-h/images/235-400.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1cff563 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/235-400.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/235.png b/26769-h/images/235.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9aff1cd --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/235.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/237-380.png b/26769-h/images/237-380.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..916c9c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/237-380.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/237.png b/26769-h/images/237.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3396a4c --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/237.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/238a-340.png b/26769-h/images/238a-340.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee58f71 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/238a-340.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/238a.png b/26769-h/images/238a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..40d5668 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/238a.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/238b-400.png b/26769-h/images/238b-400.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc38d0e --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/238b-400.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/238b.png b/26769-h/images/238b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e4d194c --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/238b.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/239-600.png b/26769-h/images/239-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..36a5379 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/239-600.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/239.png b/26769-h/images/239.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9d5c13a --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/239.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/240a-100.png b/26769-h/images/240a-100.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b5aad23 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/240a-100.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/240a.png b/26769-h/images/240a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..32b457c --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/240a.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/240b-300.png b/26769-h/images/240b-300.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..77dea97 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/240b-300.png diff --git a/26769-h/images/240b.png b/26769-h/images/240b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dc62350 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-h/images/240b.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0229-image1.png b/26769-page-images/p0229-image1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c5dec0 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0229-image1.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0229.png b/26769-page-images/p0229.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7e9d6a --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0229.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0230-image1.png b/26769-page-images/p0230-image1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7106f31 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0230-image1.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0230.png b/26769-page-images/p0230.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1c92562 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0230.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0231-image1.png b/26769-page-images/p0231-image1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e2686f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0231-image1.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0231.png b/26769-page-images/p0231.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..21caeca --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0231.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0232-image1.png b/26769-page-images/p0232-image1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6075531 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0232-image1.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0232.png b/26769-page-images/p0232.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a5652c --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0232.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0233-image1.png b/26769-page-images/p0233-image1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5be023b --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0233-image1.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0233.png b/26769-page-images/p0233.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..be1a0f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0233.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0234-image1.png b/26769-page-images/p0234-image1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6324115 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0234-image1.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0234.png b/26769-page-images/p0234.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8187e0e --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0234.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0235-image1.png b/26769-page-images/p0235-image1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..95ab28a --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0235-image1.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0235.png b/26769-page-images/p0235.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b4536be --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0235.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0236.png b/26769-page-images/p0236.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..50ca5c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0236.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0237-image1.png b/26769-page-images/p0237-image1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b6bd935 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0237-image1.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0237.png b/26769-page-images/p0237.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..302d1de --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0237.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0238-image1a.png b/26769-page-images/p0238-image1a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c81e930 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0238-image1a.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0238-image1b.png b/26769-page-images/p0238-image1b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a2fa701 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0238-image1b.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0238.png b/26769-page-images/p0238.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cab8c79 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0238.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0239-image1.png b/26769-page-images/p0239-image1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2f43ff0 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0239-image1.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0239.png b/26769-page-images/p0239.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..58be8bd --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0239.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0240-image1a.png b/26769-page-images/p0240-image1a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..740dda4 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0240-image1a.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0240-image1b.png b/26769-page-images/p0240-image1b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..88befd6 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0240-image1b.png diff --git a/26769-page-images/p0240.png b/26769-page-images/p0240.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a036e36 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769-page-images/p0240.png diff --git a/26769.txt b/26769.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c77d7a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/26769.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1630 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, +May 20, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, May 20, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: October 4, 2008 [EBook #26769] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 104, MAY 20TH 1893 + +edited by Sir Francis Burnand + + + + +OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE. + +Another Show! A splendid Imperial Show! Magnificent weather! Real +QUEEN'S weather, and consequently a big success. The grandeur, the +solidarity of the British Empire--[&c., &c. *.* _Editor regrets +that for lack of space he is compelled to omit the remainder of this +remarkably fine panegyric. He suggests to Author that it would come +out well in pamphlet form, price one shilling, or it might be given +away with a pound of Indian tea._--ED.] Obedient to the call of duty I +was myself present as one of the 'umblest of the distinguished guests +assembled to welcome Her Imperial MAJESTY on this auspicious occasion. +It was my good fortune to be immediately in front of a charming Young +Lady and her delightful Grandmother. The latter was a trifle deaf, and +her Granddaughter being a wonderfully well-informed young lady, I had +quite an enjoyable time of it; as had also my neighbours, though I +regret to say that some of them after the first three-quarters of an +hour seemed rather to resent the gratuitous information given with +astonishing volubility by the amiable Young Lady to her confiding +relative. For example, up came his Grace the Archbishop of CANTERBURY. +"That's the LORD CHANCELLOR," our well-informed Young Lady told her +Grandmother. Much cheering greets Lord SALISBURY. "That's General +ROBERTS," said the Young Lady, adding, as if rather doubting her own +accuracy, "though why he wears a naval uniform I am unable to say." +It didn't matter; her Grandmother was equally pleased. "Which is Mr. +GLADSTONE?" asked the Old Lady. The Young Lady used her opera-glass. +"I don't see him," she returned slowly. "Of course he can't be in +a turban. I know he has no whiskers or moustache--ah! there he +is!--there, talking to Sir EDWARD LEIGHTON!" She hadn't got even the +Christian names correct. I looked in the direction she had indicated +and saw Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT in close proximity to Sir RICHARD TEMPLE. +But why should I turn and dispel the harmless illusion? Was it for me +to bring discord into a family, and cause the Granddaughter to be cut +out of the Grandmother's will? Never! So, "from information received," +the Old Lady went on implicitly believing in her informant, +and treasuring up the particulars for the benefit of her other +Grandchildren. "Lord ROBERTS is somewhere here," observed the Young +Lady, sweeping the horizon (so to speak, with apologies to "the +horizon") with her _lorgnette_. "Oh, I should like to see _him_!" +exclaimed the Old Lady, enthusiastically. "Where is he?" "Oh, +I think--" replied the Granddaughter, hesitatingly, "I rather--think +--I've only seen him once--but--oh yes," she added, with wonderful +confidence on finding she was commanding an interested audience of +simple neighbours--"Oh yes--there--in a General's uniform,--he has +just come in--and he is looking for his place,"--and, following +guidance, I, too, craned forward, and was rewarded by catching a +glimpse of Mr. FREDERICK GORDON, Chairman of the Grand Hotels Co., +Limited, who was good enough to salute me with that air of conscious +power which becomes part and parcel of a man who has the command of +countless battalions in waiting. Encouraged by this incident (for I +had not rounded on her and said, "that is _not_ Lord ROBERTS") the +Young Lady urged on her mistaken career more wildly than ever. She +pointed out the wrong Princess MAY, the Duke of FIFE became H.R.H. +the Duke of YORK, the TECKS were the MECKLENBURG-STRELITZES, the +Gentlemen-at-Arms were dismounted Chelsea Pensioners in Court dress; +the Chinese ladies were Japanese (for they couldn't get even these +correct,--and of course these Orientals are most correct), and +finally, looking up to the gallery where the Orchestra was, she +crowned the edifice by loudly announcing that Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN was +Sir ARTHUR BALFOUR, and added that he was only performing his official +duty as Leader of the House of Commons. "Then," asked the simple Old +Lady, "are the musicians all obliged to be Members of Parliament?" Her +Granddaughter was equal to the occasion, and answered unhesitatingly, +"Yes, dear, _all_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A Legal Conveyance."] + + * * * * * + +After this, what was the show! Everybody was somebody else. Only the +QUEEN and the PRINCE were beyond the power of error. She found them +out at once. She was enthusiastic about the distinctness of the +PRINCE's voice in reading the Address, and she bent forward so as +not to lose a syllable of the QUEEN's gracious reply. She explained +everything wrong. A few ladies looked at her, mutely beseeching some +respite for their ears; would she only give herself ten minutes' rest? +No--it was a great chance for the well-informed young woman, and she +made the most of it. Even the heat didn't affect her. Processions +might come, and processions might go, but like the babbling brook, +she could and would "go on for ever." I have forgotten to add that +she also knew how everyone arrived, and her Grandmother was much +interested at hearing how Her Majesty's Judges all came in an omnibus, +driven and conducted by eminent judicial functionaries. + +A grand show, "Abely worked by our Secretary," says Sir +Early-Springs-and-SOMERS VINE, C.M.G., Assistant Secretary, and to +both of them great praise is due. Now, then, to adapt the title of +Lord LYTTON's novel, "_What will we do with it?_" + +THE MAN WHO WENT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +In the _Song of the Sword and Other Verses_, Mr. HENLEY incidentally +asks, "What have I done for you, England, my England?" Since the +question is put so pointedly, my Baronite, who has been looking +through the little volume of verse, is bound to reply that, what Mr. +HENLEY has done for England is to make it as ridiculous as is possible +to a man with a limited audience. Mr. HENLEY has a pretty gift +of versification, but it is spoiled by a wearisome proneness to +smartness, and an assumption of personal superiority that occasionally +reaches the heights of the ludicrous. If 'ARRY had been at the +University, and had bent what he calls his mind upon verse-making, +some of the truculent rhyme in this book is the sort of stuff he would +have turned out. It seems at first hearing a far cry from 'ARRY to +HENLEY. But the dispassionate reader, turning over these sulphurous +leaves, will perceive deeply-rooted similarity in that narrowness of +view, and that undisturbed consciousness that it alone is right, which +distinguish the reflections, and are found in the observations, of +'ARRY when he views society from his lower standpoint. + +[Illustration: "Le Sabre de mon pere!"] + +Messrs. HUTCHINSON & Co. have published a _Book of Wise Sayings_, by +W. A. CLOUSTON. Not that W. A. CLOUSTON said them all, or any of +them, but he selected them. One fault has the Baron to find with the +selecting collector, and that is that his references are incomplete. +He affixes the name of the author to every wise saying, but as he +does not give chapter and verse, it is impossible for the ordinary +unlearned reader to ascertain when and where the wise saying was +uttered. Perhaps this omission is wise on the part of Mr. CLOUSTON. +However, here is a happy example for the time present:-- + + "Safe in thy breast close lock up thy intents, + For he that knows thy purpose best prevents."--_Randolph._ + +Isn't that good? Isn't it "RANDOLPH" to the life? Is anyone quite +certain as to the course our RANDOLPH will take? + +There are, too, quotations from "R. CHAMBERLAIN"--not from +JOSEPH--with whose works the Baron is not so conversant as he might +be. Saith R. CHAMBERLAIN:-- + + "A foolish man in wealth and authority is like a weak-timbered + house with a too-ponderous roof."--_R. Chamberlain._ + +The Baron strongly recommends the study of this volume to Mr. OSCAR +WILDE; it will save him hours of painful cogitation during the +incubation of his next play. + +THE BARON DE B.-W. & CO. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER HOME-RULE QUESTION.--Ulster objects. Ulster threatens. If Home +Rule becomes the law of the land, the Ulstermen will resist _vi et +armis_. Do they propose to set up an Opposition Sovereignty? If so, +they have a monarch at hand with the very title to suit them. He is +to be found at the Heralds' College, and he is the, _par excellence_, +"Ulster King-at-Arms!" + + * * * * * + +STAGE WHISPER AT WESTMINSTER.--The Comedy of Committee now tends +towards becoming Mellor-drama. + + * * * * * + +"NANA WOULD NOT GIVE ME A BOW-WOW!" + +A PRETTY LITTLE SONG FOR PETTISH LITTLE EMPERORS. (_Latest Teutonic +Version of Mr. Joseph Tabrar's Popular Song._) + +REICHSTAG + +[Illustration] + + [The German Emperor is reported to have said, "It was + impossible for me to anticipate the rejection of the Army + Bills, so fully did I rely upon the patriotism of the Imperial + Diet to accept them unreservedly. A patriotic minority + has been unable to prevail against the majority.... I was + compelled to resort to a dissolution, and I look forward to + the acceptance of the Bills by the new Reichstag. Should this + expectation be again disappointed, I am determined to use + every means in my power to achieve my purpose."--_The Times._] + + +_Wilful Wilhelm sings_:-- + +You ask me why I do not smile; the reason you shall know; + I had a disappointment huge a day or two ago; + I asked my venerable Nurse to give me no more toys, + But just a little Dog of War to bite the other boys. + _Spoken._ But oh! + _Audience_ (_of Generals and Staff Officers_). What? + Nana wouldn't give me that bow-wow + Wow-wow! + The Reichstag wouldn't grant me that bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + No; she denied me--flat. + Now, what do you think of _that_? + And I'd set my mind on that bow-wow-wow! + Wow-wow-wow! + + Some years ago she did the same, the greedy bad old girl! + But I've set my mind upon that dog, sharp teeth and coat a-curl. + The other boys have got such tykes, and I should be a mug, + If when they run to mastiffs I'm put off with a small pug. + _Audience._ Well? + _Spoken._ Well, + I mean to make her give me that bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + I'll worry her until she buys that bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + I'll dissolve the Imperial Diet, + And I never _will_ be quiet + Until I get that bow-wow-wow! + Wow-wow-wow! + + I always meant when I grew old to do just as I pleased, + I'd have a dozen bow-wows then, and if the old Trot teased + I'd shut her up, and everyone who backed her, like a shot; + For no one who opposes Me _can_ be a pat-ri-ot! + _Audience_. Why? + _Spoken_. Because + France has got ahead with _her_ bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + Russia makes me jealous with _her_ bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + And now it is _my_ turn + To leave them well astern, + And I _can't_ without that bow-wow-wow! + Wow-wow-wow! + + I didn't shake old BIZZY off to take CAPRIVI up, + To let my old Nurse thwart me in my longing for this pup. + 'Tis true that I have other tykes, a pack of 'em indeed-- + But what of that? I want one more, of this particular breed. + _Audience._ Well? + _Spoken._ Well, + I will, whatever happens, have this bow-wow! + Wow-wow! + I'll have it very soon, if not just now-now! + Wow-wow! + My purpose I'll achieve, + And the Reichstag never leave + Until I get possession of that bow-wow-wow! + Wow-wow-wow! + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF TITLE.--A recent speech by Mr. LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., +on the Art of Cross-Examination has been called "deliciously frank." +Henceforth, the genial Recorder of York is to be known as Mr. +DELICIOUSLY FRANK LOCKWOOD. + + * * * * * + + A SOVEREIGN MAXIM. + + He who risks the answer Nay, + When he asks he shall have MAY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST. + +WHEN PERCHED ON THE BACK SEAT OF A FRIEND'S DOG-CART; CAN TAKE NO PART +IN THE CONVERSATION, AND HAS TO DEVOTE HIMSELF TO STICKING ON!] + + * * * * * + +IN SHEFFIELD PARK. + +MONDAY, MAY 5, 1893. + +_First Match of the Australian Cricketers against Lord Sheffield's +English Eleven._ + + In Sheffield Park, in budding May! + True English scene, true cricket day, + A generous host, and glorious play! + A date to mark! + A well-fought match, the Cornstalks' first! + A summer sun, a noble thirst! + The Season's on us with a burst, + In Sheffield Park! + + The wondrous veteran W. G., + At forty-five scores sixty-three! + (At sixty-three GRACE may we see + Score forty-five!) + Pleasant once more to have a peep + At those sharp eyes that never sleep, + Those bear's-paws that know how to keep + The game alive! + + Safe SHREWSBURY and giant GUNN + At it once more! Oh Lords, what fun + To see them drive, and cut, and run! + A May-day lark + For elderly and paunchy lads! + Ah, Time his annual inches adds. + _We_ cannot buckle on the pads + In Sheffield Park! + + Yet genuine pleasure still 'twill yield + To sit and watch, with noses peeled, + CONINGHAM smite and GREGORY field. + How's that, Sir! Hark! + Thanks to GRACE, SHREWSBURY, and GUNN, + LOCKWOOD and BRIGGS--what glorious fun!-- + The first big match we've neatly won + In Sheffield Park! + + Now for a wet after our roast! + Lords no, there is no call to boast! + But in Lord SHEFFIELD _what_ a host + Cricketers mark! + Who will forget that lovely day, + 'Midst lovely scenery in mid-May, + Who had the luck to watch the play + In Sheffield Park! + + * * * * * + +(EXETER) HALL RIGHT.--It is reported on the highest authority that +Prince GEORGE has been recently engaged in May Meetings, and has +expressed himself as having been extremely charmed and interested. + + * * * * * + +MORE POWER TO MISS COBBE! + + "You say that you've a sovereign way + To end the placard pest; + Oh, Mistress COBBE, reveal it, pray, + And give my spirit rest!" + + "You're very green, that may be seen," + Th' aggressive dame did shout; + "The way to kill a noxious Bill + Is--just to throw it out. + + "Mid hills, in towns,--that's not so bad,-- + And in the quiet lane, + We let the advertising cad + Tyrannically reign. + + "So in my walks I take a brush, + Also a watering-can, + And on the hideous foe I rush, + And that's _my_ little plan! + + "Without compunction, without haste, + Though passers-by may stare, + I strip the paper from its paste, + And leave the fragments there." + + "_That_ plan," I said, "I've never tried; + It shows, no doubt, devotion; + But is it legal?" She replied, + "_I've not the slightest notion!_" + + * * * * * + +WAITING FOR THE PROCESSIONS. + +(_A Reminiscence of the Opening of the Imperial Institute._) + + SCENE--_The Hyde Park South Road, opposite the Cavalry Barracks. + Closely-packed ranks of Sightseers have formed in front of the + long line of unharnessed carriages under the trees. Outside + this line the feebler folk, who invariably come on such + occasions, and never find the courage to trust themselves in + the crowd, are wistfully wandering, in the hope of procuring a + place by some miraculous interposition._ + +_Lament of Feeble Females._ I _told_ you how it would be--not the +_slightest_ use staying here!... _I_ can't see anything except a +lamp-post and the top of a soldier's bearskin!... We might _just_ as +well have stopped at home! (_Viciously._) Where all the people _come_ +from, _I_ don't know! I'm sure we were here early _enough_! + +_Comments by Feeble Males._ No--not much to be seen where we are, +certainly, but--um--I don't know that we're likely to do better +anywhere else.... Not the least good attempting to get in _there_. +Well, we can _try_ lower down, of course, but it'll be just the same. +They ought to arrange these things better! + + [_They drift on discontentedly._ + +_The Self-Helper_ (_squeezing between the wheels, and elbowing himself +past the people who have been standing patiently there for hours_). +By your leave--'ere, just allow me to pass, please. Thenk you. One +moment, Mum. "No right to push in 'ere," 'aven't I? I've as much right +as what _you_ 'ave. Think the ole Park b'longs to _you_, I suppose? +You orter 'ave a space roped in a-purpose for you, _you_ ought! Tork +about selfishness! + + [_He arrives triumphantly in the foremost row, and obtains the + tolerance, if not the sympathy, of all who are not near enough + to be inconvenienced by his presence._ + + _Contented People in the Crowd._ Oh, we shall do well enough 'ere. +They'll put their sunshades down when the QUEEN passes ... I can ketch +a view between the 'eads like. And you don't get the sun under the +trees ... Sha'n't have much longer to wait _now_. She'll be starting +in another arf hour--(&c., &c.) + +_A Lady in a Landau_ (_to her husband_). I don't think we _could_ have +done better, Horace--we shall see everything; and it's quite amusing +to be close to the crowd, and hear their remarks--_much_ nicer than +being in one of the Stands! + + [_Her self-congratulations are cut short by the arrival of + three Humorous Artisans, who have taken a day off, and are in + the highest animal spirits._ + +_Joe_ (_first Humorous Artisan_). You shove in first, BILL--push +along, JOE; there's room for three little 'uns! Don't you mind about +_me_--I'll git up 'ere, and see over your 'eds. [_He mounts on one of +the front wheels of the landau, and holds on by the lamp._) I can see +proper where _I_ am. There's a lady fainted down there! + +_Bill_ (_the leading Buffoon of the Party_). I wonder if she's got any +money. If she 'as, I'll go and 'elp 'er! + +_Joe._ She's all right now. The ambulance 'as come up--they're +standin' 'er on 'er 'ed! + +_The Lady in the Landau_ (_in an undertone_). HORACE, we can't have +this horrible man here--do make him get down! + +_Horace_ (_to Joe_). Here, I say, my friend, don't you think you'd be +more comfortable somewhere else?--that wheel is--er--not exactly the +place---- + +_Joe._ No offence, Guv'nor. Yer see, I ain't brought out _my_ brawm +to-day, 'cos I'm 'avin' it varnished, and---- + +_Bill._ Why, don't yer _see_, JOE?--the lady's put 'er 'usband up to +invitin' you on the box-seat of 'er kerridge!--it all comes o' bein so +good lookin'--but take care what yer about, or your missus may come by +and ketch yer--which'll be unpleasant for all parties! + +_Joe_ (_to the owner of the Landau, with easy affability_). It's very +'orspitable of you and your good lady, Mister, but I'm very well where +I am--if I _should_ want to set down later on, I'll tell yer. (_To_ +BILL.) I can't think what they all _see_ in me. _I_ don't encourage +'em! + +_The Lady_ (_in a rapid whisper_). No, HORACE, for goodness sake +_don't_--you'll only make them worse--we must put up with it. (_They +do._) + +_Bill_ (_affecting to recognise an imaginary friend across the road_). +'Ullo, if there ain't little ALEXANDER! I knoo _'e'd_ be 'ere. What +cher, ALEC, ole pal? + +_Joe_ (_playing up to him_). Ah, and there goes JACK GAYNER! You can +spot 'im anywhere by 'is eye-glass. + +_Bill._ That's ole JACK all over, that is. 'E wouldn't come out--not +on a day like this--without a _eyeglass_, JACK wouldn't. If it 'ad ha' +bin a Saturday now, 'e'd ha' 'ad _two_, to see 'is way 'ome by. (_A +gorgeous official passes on horseback._) There y'ar--there's DAN LENO. +Way oh, DANNY! + +_Dick._ It's time 'Er Most Gracious come along, if she's goin' to +keep 'er character. If she don't make 'aste, I shan't 'ave time to get +'alf a pint afore I go 'ome! + +_Bill_ (_sentimentally_). Ah, if she on'y knoo the anxious arts she's +causin'! 'Ullo, see that bloke tryin' to climb up on the wall there? +If I was one o' them sojers, I'd draw my sword and do a noble deed +against _'im_, I would. He wouldn't want to set down on no wall arter +_I'd_ done with him! + + [_By this time the two have secured a delighted audience--of which + they are fully conscious._ + +_Joe._ Time 's very near up. 'ER MAJESTY ain't 'urryin 'erself. + +_Bill_ (_magnanimously_). Never mind. Now I _am_ 'ere, I'll stop _'Er_ +time. I shouldn't like 'Er to feel that there was somethink wantin' to +the success of the perceedins. They say Royalty never forgets a face! + +_Joe_ (_with the candour of intimacy_). She won't see enough o' yours +to _forgit_, ole feller--you ain't used _much_ o' Pears' Soap this +mornin', you ain't! + +_Bill_ (_in nowise pained by this personality--which is only too well +founded_). Ah, it 'ud take "Monkey Brand" and Fuller's Earth to git +it all orf o' _me_! (_There is a stir in the crowd; a Mounted +Police-sergeant trots past_). There's somethink up _now_. They're +comin'. I _will_ 'oller when the QUEEN passes. She's costed me a deal +already, but she ain't got _all_ the money. I got three 'apence of it +in my pocket--though, come to think of it, three 'apence laid out in +pots o' four ale among three with thusts for thirty and loyalty laid +on 'ot _and_ cold all over the premises--why, it don't go so bloomin' +fur, and don't you forgit it! + +_Dick._ 'Ere come the Life Guards! smart lookin' lot o' chaps, ain't +they? + +_Bill_ (_philosophically_). Ah, and when they done their time, them +fellers 'll be glad to turn to plarsterin' or wood-choppin'--anythink +to gain their liveli'ood by. There's the Royalties. I can see the +people wavin' their 'ankerchiefs--them that's got em. _I_ want to wave +somethink--'ere, lend me your bacco-pipe, will yer. + + [_An open carriaqe passes, containing personages in uniform._ + +_Dick._ 'Oo'll _that_ lot be? + +_Bill._ Why, that's the Markiss o' BRICKDUST--don't yer know _'im_? +And the one in front is the Dook o' DRIPPIN'. Look at 'im a larfin. +Ain't 'e a gay ole chicking? 'Ere's some more o' them. + +_The Crowd._ That is the Dook o' CAMBRIDGE. No, it ain't--that was 'im +in the fust kerridge. Go on--that was the EDINGBOROS!... Why, I +tell yer, I see 'is white whiskers! There's the Princess MAY! Which? +'Ooray! Lor, it's no good 'oorayin' _now_--she's gone by long ago. +Well, I _am_ glad I 've seen 'er, any'ow! Who are them in the white +'elmets? Ostralians, I fancy. No, they ain't--they're Canadians. +Then who is it in the fancy dress, with slouch 'ats an' feathers on? +Forriners o' _some_ sort. Ain't them Indians dressed up fine? Here +come the creams. _Now_ we shall see 'Er! + +_Bill_ (_with enthusiasm_). Brayvo! SANGER'S ain't in it! 'Ooray, +'ooray! Lor, I could do with a ap'ny ice! Did yer see 'Er, Joe? I +caught 'Er Royal eye, I did. She didn't bow--'cos we ain't on those +terms--but she tipped me a wink, ser much as to say, "'Ullo, BILL, ole +feller, 'ow is it you ain't in the Institoot?" _Quite_ forgittin' she +never sent me no ticket. But there, I dessay she's _lots_ to think +about! + +_Joe_ (_to the occupants of the Landau_). You'll excuse me leavin' yer +for a bit, just to git a drink, won't yer? I'll be back in time to see +'em return--if yer won't mind keepin' my place. + + [_Exit, leaving them glaring in speechless indignation._ + +_The Crowd_ (_breaking up_). Oh, I see it beautiful! She _did_ look +pleased, didn't she? I didn't notice partickler. I was lookin' at the +Percession.... Come along, that's all there is to be seen.... Where's +that silly ole man got to? I told 'im to be 'ere under this tree; +he wants more lookin' after than any--oh, _'ere_ you are! Well, you +should ha' kept along with us, and you'd ha' seen well enough! It +_was_ a pity our leavin' the whisky at 'ome--'tain't _often_ I come +out without it--and on a warm day like this, a drop 'ud ha' done us +_all_ good! + +_A Loyal Old Lady._ Ah, depend upon it, this Imperial Institoot 'ull +do good to Trade. Why, there's one o' them men with the iced lemonade +cans sold out a'ready! + + * * * * * + +HOW'S THAT FOR--HIGH-TEA? + + [A learned Judge is recently reported to have anxiously + inquired the meaning of "high-tea."] + + His Lordship looked puzzled. He ransacked his brain; + His once beaming brow was contracted with pain. + Till my Lord stopped the Counsel, in saying, "Let's see, + Before you proceed, what is meant by 'high-tea'? + + "I was called to the Bar such a long time ago! + But I flatter myself that I've learnt now to know + All the ropes pretty well, yet completely at sea + I confess that I am with this curious 'high-tea.' + + "Now I own that I know an Oxonian 'wine,' + Though a 'cocoa' at Newnham is more in my line, + Whilst dinner and lunch are familiar to me. + So is supper. But what--tell me, _what_ is 'high-tea'?" + + The Counsel explained in his very best style, + (Though he often indulged, on the sly, in a smile,) + And the Judge was as eager as eager could be + To learn all the rites that belong to "high-tea." + + But the sequel to all was a square little note + Next day from a blue-blooded Duchess who wrote + To the Judge, and this Dame of the highest degree + Had invited his Lordship to come to--HIGH-TEA! + + * * * * * + +DIARY OF A "H. D." + +(_At the Service of the Departmental Committee on the Treatment of +Inebriates._) + +_Monday._--I am afraid that I can no longer resist the temptation to +return to my customary diet. This morning my breakfast was spoiled by +finding that the _piece de resistance_ was corked. And this when I +pay 96_s._ a dozen, and the vintage is 1884! However, it could not +be helped, and I managed to exist until lunch. Then came another +disappointment. I had purposely ordered a light repast, as I had not +much appetite. But I did intend to take it with soda-water--not +neat. At dinner I managed to get through a biscuit, and as it was +"devilled," it gave me renewed relish for the morning's champagne. +This time the bottles were in excellent condition, and I quite forgot +that earlier in the day one of them had been corked. All in the +half-dozen were in perfect condition--especially the last magnum. I do +not know how I got to bed. + +_Tuesday._--When I find that I have not removed my boots overnight, I +know that I require a pick-me-up. A friend joined me at breakfast, and +we both thought the champagne excellent. My friend BROWN, or perhaps +it was JONES, and now I come to think of it, it may have been +ROBINSON. And yet, when I consider the matter, there may have been +three of them. I tried to count them, and it took me half the morning. +Well, BROWN, or whoever he was, is a very good fellow. Most amusing, +and an excellent audience. He laughs at everything. Whether you +mean it to be funny or not, he laughs. I like him as a brother. A +thoroughly good fellow. We had a most interesting discussion about the +right pronunciation of Constitution. He said it was in two syllables. +I said it was in one. I think I was right. We had a long chat about it +after dinner. First we talked about it over the port, and then under +the table. I don't know how I managed to get home, but I have a firm +belief that it was all right--quite all right. + +_Wednesday._--Found my boots again on my feet when recovering +consciousness. So this is the second time I must have slept in them. +I feel excessively melancholy. I have wept very much, and were it +not for the supporting-powers of whiskey, I am sure I should he much +worse. However, there is only one thing to be done--to keep at it. One +bottle down, another come on. I have floored no end of a lot of +them. Strange to say that I am now happy after all my sorrow of this +morning. Everything is right but the lamp-posts. They are all wrong. +Getting in my way on my road home. I feel awfully tired. However, +seems to be my duty to interfere in a street-row. + +_Thursday._--It appears I had an altercation with the police last +night. I am free, but sorrowful. I really must put myself +under restraint. I feel almost certain that I have given way to +intemperance. On appealing to BROWN (or whoever he is), he says I have +been as drunk as a fly for ages. This hurts me very much. Only thing +to do is to retire into a retreat. Have, with the assistance of BROWN +(or whoever he is), drawn up the application. It looks right enough. +And, as this is my last chance for some time to come, I and BROWN (or +whoever he is) are going to make a night of it. + +_Friday._--Boots again! BROWN (or whoever he is) called with two +doctors. I said I couldn't be bothered with them. BROWN (or whoever he +is) said I must. So I saw them. They say that the Act requires that I +must understand what I am doing. All right--going into retreat. Word +"retreat" should be pronounced as one syllable. All right, they have +made the statutory declaration. + +_Saturday._--Here I am. Charming place, away from drink, and ought to +do well for the next fortnight. Can't remember how long I promised to +stay, but know it was for some considerable time. I have just seen +the Superintendent. He says he is very sorry, but I cannot stay +any longer. This, in spite of it appearing that I have signed an +application undertaking to remain for life. Can't make it out. Rather +vague about what I have been doing during the week, but know I wanted +to cure myself from habitual inebriety. Superintendent says he must +turn me out under the statute. Appears that I signed the application +for admission when I was not absolutely sober. Can't be helped. Out I +go. Well, there are worse things in the world than whiskey and port. I +have a notion that I am booked for another night in my boots! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOTE AND QUERY. + +_Small Boy_ (_to Companion_). "I SAY, BILL, WHICH O' THESE TWO'S TAKEN +THE PRIZE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE RECENTLY-ELECTED R.A.'S. + + The pictures these talented gentlemen show + Monotonous never appear; + Waves, woods, and (say) Wenice, MACWHIRTER & Co. + Depict for us year after year. + + WOODS always paints Venice, the place that brought forth + A Moor, but MOORE'S chattels and goods + Are seas, not calm south ones, but those of the north, + Whilst NORTH and MACWHIRTER paint woods. + + * * * * * + +A DEBT OF HONOUR.--Will the verse described as _Ode_ by Mr. WILLIAM +MORRIS be paid with the Poet Laureateship? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT WEDDING PRESENTS ARE COMING TO. + +_She._ "I DON'T SEE _MY_ CHEQUE ANYWHERE!" + +_He._ "A--CAN I HELP YOU? WHAT NAME?" + +_She._ "OH--WELL--MINE IS HARDLY A CHEQUE. A--IT'S A POSTAL ORDER, YOU +KNOW, FOR FIFTEEN SHILLINGS!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR OWN AMBASSADOR. + +_Mr. Punch, meeting Columbia at the World's Fair, thus greeteth +her:--_ + + COLUMBIA by Lake Michigan + A treasure-dome did late decree; + And all the world, in summer, ran, + In numbers measureless by man, + The Wondrous Show to see! + There many miles of fertile ground + With walls and towers were girdled round: + And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills + Surrounding halls of vast machinery. + And all earth's products, from fine arts to pills, + Massed in that maze by that great inland sea. + + Fast, from that deep romantic chasm which slanted + Through Colorado, the Grand Canon; over + Yellowstone's marvel--teeming miles enchanted; + Far-sweeping prairies erst by redskins haunted; + Steaming and railing, like bee-swarms to clover, + The world-crowd swept, with ceaseless turmoil seething; + It seemed the earth in eager pants was breathing + In a great race to see who should be first + Into that many-acred Show to burst, + And conquering COLUMBIA there to hail + Creation-licker on colossal scale. + By Michigan's large lake, once and for ever, + Surpassing other Shows, in park, by river, + O'er miles meandering, this last Yankee Notion + Through wood and meadow like a river ran, + Vast Exposition of the Arts of Man! + Hyde Park compared therewith stirred small emotion, + And proud COLUMBIA, waving Stripes and Stars, + Cried, "The White City whips the Champ de Mars!" + + The shadow of that dome of treasure + Floated midway on the wave. + (See CASTAIGNE'S drawings--they're a pleasure-- + In the May _Century_ pictured brave.) + It was a miracle of rare device, + Costing "a pile," but cheap at any price! + A damsel with a five-stringed "Jo" + In a vision once I saw; + It was an Alabama maid, + And on her banjo light she played, + Singing of sweet Su-san-nah! + Could I revive within me + Amphion's lyric song, + To such a deep delight 'twould win me + As the music loud and long + That sure did raise this dome in air, + That mighty dome!--those halls of price! + COLUMBIA'S magic set them there, + And all who see cry, "Rare! O rare! + This beats great KUBLA KHAN'S device! + Chicago outsoars Xanadu! + COLUMBIA'S World's Fair here on view + Eclipses SHEDAD'S Paradise!" + + There, Madam! _The_ British Ambassador, _Punch_, + Has borrowed the lyre of the Opium-eater + To praise your unparalleled feat! By his hunch + 'Twould tax that great master of magic and metre + To do it full justice. To paint such a vision + The limner need call on the aid of the Poppy. + It is a Big Blend of the Truly Elysian, + And (you'll comprehend!) the Colossally Shoppy! + Mix HAROUN ALRASCHID with Mr. MCKINLEY, + And Yellowstone Park with a Persian Bazaar, + And _then_ the _ensemble_ is sketched in but thinly. + For brush and for pen 'tis too mighty by far. + The fragment of COLERIDGE hinted at wonders + His Dream might have shown, had it ever been finished. + COLUMBIA, I bear o'er the ocean that sunders + But cannot un-kin us, the love undiminished + Of all whom I speak for--that's England all over-- + Here's luck, in a bumper, to you and your Show! + Ambassador _Punch_, your Admirer and Lover, + Believes the World's Fair will turn out a Great Go! + + * * * * * + +MUSIC IN MAY.--Albert Hall gave a good Concert last Wednesday night. +C. V. STANFORD'S "_East to West_," libretto by Poet SWINBURNE, is +cleverish. To encores Sir JOSEPH BARNBY says, as a rule, "Not for +Sir JOSEPH." Quite right. Miss PALLISER, known as Miss BUCKINGHAM +PALLISER, because she sang at a Court Concert, charming; and Mr. E. J. +LLOYD as _The Old Obadiah_, excellent. Chorus, like the weather, very +fine; Orchestra set fair, or fair set. Hall full, but, now and again, +it's a Hall-full place for sound. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR OWN AMBASSADOR. + +MR. PUNCH (_to_ COLUMBIA), "CONGRATULATE YOU, MY DEAR!--QUITE 'THE +BIGGEST SHOW ON EARTH'!!!"] + + * * * * * + +ANILINE. + +(_After Tennyson's "Adeline."_) + + All around one daily sees + Dreadful dyes of Aniline. + Worn by women fat and thin, + Bonnet, bodice, back and breast. + One can hardly call thee fair, + With thy fierce magenta glare, + With thy green, the green of peas, + Violet, and all the rest. + What appalling tints are thine, + Showy, glowy Aniline! + + Whence did modern women get + Such a gorgeous array? + Dear to 'ARRY'S 'ARRIET + On a 'appy 'oliday, + 'Owlin', out on 'Ampstead 'Eath, + From the 'ill to 'im beneath. + Also dear to girls who sell + Flowers in the London street, + They have always loved thee well + In their frocks and feathers neat. + Why revive those tints of thine, + Antiquated Aniline? + + Thou hast almost made us blind + Under England's cloudless skies; + Low-toned tints of Orient, + Such as Turkish rugs adorn, + Would be better for our eyes-- + Now upon the pavement bent + Since such blazers have been worn. + Say, has Paris sent to us + Dyes so dreadfully defined? + Do the tyrant _modistes_ bring + Colours so calamitous, + Mixed in ways more fearful still, + In this strangely sunny spring? + Oh, before thou mak'st us ill, + Take away that glare of thine, + Unaesthetic Aniline! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KINDLY MEANT. + +_Mr. Macmonnies_ (_an old Friend_). "WELL, LOOK HERE, OLD MAN, I'LL +TELL YOU WHAT REALLY BROUGHT ME HERE TO-DAY. THE FACT IS MY WIFE WANTS +HER MOTHER PAINTED VERY BADLY--AND I NATURALLY THOUGHT OF YOU!"] + + * * * * * + +SALE OF THE CLIFDEN AND HIGH PRICE PICTURES. + +--"The Wife of Burgomaster Six" went for over L7000. This wife of +Burgomaster Half-a-dozen was a marvellous specimen of a woman. The +Burgomaster was so faithful a husband that "Six to One" has long since +become a homely proverb. + + * * * * * + +A USEFUL TOOLE.--_Mr. Punch_ was much surprised one day last week to +see on the evening newspaper placards:-- + + TOOLE IN THE BOX. + A LUCKY DOG. + +Was "the Box" a new piece to be put on at the distant period when +_Walker, London_, fails to attract? No! The hero of _Homburg_ had only +been helping in the _Lucky Dog_ Fight--merely a case of _Verbum Sapte +et Alport_, or a Word for SAPTE and ALPORT. + + * * * * * + +THE SHORTEST PASSAGE ON RECORD.--Aberdeen to Canada at a pen-stroke. + + * * * * * + +SIC ITUR AD--ASTOR! + +[The American Millionnaire has purchased Cliveden.] + + RULE, BRITANNIA! 'Twas Cliveden's fair walls which first heard + That stout patriot strain--which may now sound absurd + "_Yankee Doodle_" indeed might more fittingly ring + "In Cliveden's proud alcove," which POPE stooped to sing. + O Picknickers muse; and, O oarsmen, repine! + Those fair hanging woods, BULL, no longer are thine. + Our high-mettled racers may pass o'er the sea-- + Shall sentiment challenge _thy_ claims, L. S. D.? + Our pictures may go without serious plaint-- + What are the best pictures but canvas and paint? + Our Press? Let the alien toff take his pick. + When the Dollar dictates shall mere patriots kick? + Our hills and our forests? If Oil-kings appear, + And want them--for cash--as preserves for their deer. + Down, down with mere pride--so they're down with the dust! + Mammon's word is the great categorical Must! + The Dollar's Almighty, the Millionnaire's King! + Sell, sell _anyone_ who'll bid _high--anything_. + What offers for--London? Who bids for--the Thames? + Cracks go, Cliveden follows. What Briton condemns? + Cash rules. For the Dollar-King BULL shies his castor. + Buy! Buy! That's the cry, JOHN. _Sic itur ad_--ASTOR! + + * * * * * + +BOOKED AT THE LYCEUM BOX-OFFICE.--Four nights a week _Becket_ is +given. Programme is varied on the other two nights. A simple gentleman +said to the Clerk at the Box-Office, "I want two stalls." _The Clerk._ +"_For Becket?_" "No," returned the simple one; "for _me_." + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING FOR NOTHING. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--From a communication to one of the daily papers, it +appears that "a hundred ladies and gentlemen who find the works of +HENDRIK IBSEN (perhaps not all for exactly the same reasons, but who +agree in finding them) among the most interesting productions of the +modern theatre, have guaranteed the estimated expenses of a series +of twelve performances, at which three of IBSEN'S plays will be +presented." This arrangement is carried out by "each guarantor +receiving in seats at the current theatrical prices the full value of +his subscription," as "the State will not subsidize a theatre, and no +millionnaire seems inclined to endow one." + +This is clear enough, but it has occurred to me that, as after the +first few performances there may be a goodly number of untenanted +seats, it would be as well to provide auxiliary aid to fill them. It +would scarcely be fair to call upon the guarantors to pay the audience +to be present at the "entertainments" provided for their amusement. +And yet, unless the houses are good, the actors will not do themselves +justice, and the plays of HENDRIK IBSEN will suffer in consequence. +I fear that it would be revolting to humanity to insist upon the +attendance of the less intelligent inmates of the Asylum for Idiots, +and yet here would be an appropriate path out of the difficulty. Under +the circumstances, could not the State (with the aid of a short Act of +Parliament) still render assistance? I see no reason why thieves +and other dishonest characters should not have a portion of their +sentences remitted on condition that they attended the IBSEN +performances. Such an arrangement would save the rate-payers the +expense of the prisoners' keep. The audience I have suggested would +also be free from temptation, for when they were assisting at a +representation of one of IBSEN'S plays, I venture to believe they +would find nothing worth stealing. + +A PRACTICAL MAN. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: WASTED IRONY. + +"WHO'S THAT DOWN-STAIRS, JANE?"--"SOME FRIENDS OF MINE, MA'AM." + +"BUT YOU HAD SOME FRIENDS YESTERDAY, JANE!"--"YES, MA'AM." + +"AND ON MONDAY NIGHT!"--"YES, MA'AM." + +"DON'T YOU THINK YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A REGULAR DAY AT HOME EACH +WEEK?"--"THANK YOU, MA'AM! THAT WILL BE VERY NICE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, May 8._--"What a day we are having, to be sure!" +said CHAMBERLAIN, rubbing his hands and smiling delightedly. Things +certainly pretty lively to begin with; just got into Committee on +Home-Rule Bill; CHARLIE (my DARLING) was to have opened Debate with +Amendment on first line of First Clause; but, as he subsequently +explained to sympathetic Committee, he was weighed down with feeling +of diffidence. House, touched with this unusual weakness on part +of Member for Deptford, readily accepted volunteered service of +CHAMBERLAIN, who undertook to say a few words on another Amendment +whilst DARLING was recovering. + +No diffidence about JOSEPH. As he observed in stormiest epoch of +sitting, he was as cool as a cucumber. "A cucumber with full allowance +of vinegar and pepper," SQUIRE of MALWOOD added, in one of those +asides with which he varies the silence of Treasury Bench. Well there +was someone at that temperature. Committee, take it all together, in +volcanic mood. Peculiarity of situation, as SAUNDERSON put it, with +some mixing of metaphor, was that "it was the cucumber that kept the +pot a-boiling." Whenever any sign of placidity was visible, JOSEPH +sure to appear on scene, rub someone's hair the wrong way, or stir up +some slumbering lion with long pole. + +"Ever stop to watch the Punch show in the streets, TOBY?" said +PLUNKET. "No, I suppose not; rather personal; recall days before you +went into politics. Confess I always do; been chuckling just now over +idea that here we have the whole thing played out. There's _Mr. Punch_ +in person of Mr. G. Up comes a head, GRANDOLPH'S, or someone else's; +down comes the baton in the form of the Closure. Everyone supposes +that Law and Order are established and things will go smoothly, when +suddenly up springs JOEY, cool as a cucumber, and upsets everything +again. There's nothing new under the sun, not even proceedings in +obstruction of Home-Rule Bill." + +After dinner SOLICITOR-GENERAL discovered seated on Treasury Bench. A +great thirst for speech from him suddenly afflicted Opposition. Mr. +G. spoke, and JOHN MORLEY moved the Closure, but nothing would satisfy +them save speech from RIGBY. Pauses in conversation were filled by +cries upon his name. He sat unresponsive, looking wiser than ever, but +still unspeakably wise. + +DARLING'S Amendment got rid of with assistance of Closure. GRANDOLPH +rushed in; hotly moved to report progress. Only ten o'clock; two hours +more before Debate adjourned. This merrily filled up with divisions, +shouting, and scenes. GRANDOLPH'S motion to Report Progress being +negatived on division. PRINCE ARTHUR moved that Chairman leave the +Chair, division on which just tided Committee over twelve o'clock, +without chance of doing more work. + +"I feel twelve years younger," said GRANDOLPH, coming in from last +division. "Reminds me of first Session of 1880 Parliament, when we sat +below Gangway there, and bandied about these alternative resolutuions, +me moving to Report Progress; then, when we came back again, WOLFFY, +GORST, or sometimes, to give the boy a turn, PRINCE ARTHUR moved +that Chairman leave the Chair. That was long before he came into his +princedom. House of Commons pretty dull these six years back. After +all, it's the same old place, and, if we give our mind to it, we can +have the same old game." + +_Business done._--Got into Committee on Home Rule Bill. + +_Thursday._--Noisiest evening we have enjoyed since Parliament +elected. Peculiarity of situation was that everybody, not excluding +Chairman of Committees, strenuously anxious to preserve order. Quiet +enough till CHAMBERLAIN appeared on scene, then followed the ordinary +cool-cucumbery results. TIM HEALY torn with anxiety that JOSEPH should +limit himself strictly to Motion before Committee. Sort of triangular +duel; JOSEPH at corner Bench below Gangway to right of Chair; TIM in +corresponding position opposite; MELLOR in (and out of) Chair; all +three on their feet simultaneously; Committee assisting in general +desire for peace and order by tumultuous shouting. TIM fired furiously +at JOSEPH; JOSEPH answered shot for shot; Chairman pegged away +alternately at both. + +[Illustration: HOME RULE ENTERTAINMENT St Stephens + +"Joey up again!" Scene from the Parliamentary Show.] + +Then GRANDOLPH, finding temptation irresistible, romped in. "I move," +he said, "that the words be taken down." Very well; quite so; but +what words? The Chamber was full of words, surging like the waters at +Lodore. Which particular ones would GRANDOLPH like taken down? Turned +out that his desire centred upon almost the only words that had not +been uttered. "I distinctly heard the Member for Louth say, 'You +are knocked up.'" So GRANDOLPH solemnly declared, standing at table. +Whilst Irish Members popped up like parched peas on Benches below +Gangway, CHAMBERLAIN took opportunity of looking over his notes, and +Chairman, standing at table, forlornly wrung his hands, TIM HEALY sat +a model of Injured Innocence. As it turned out he, by rare chance, +had not spoken at all. This made clear upon testimony of MACARTNEY +and JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg. What TIM felt most acutely was, not being +thus groundlessly charged with disorderly speech, but that GRANDOLPH, +for whom he has a warm respect, should imagine that if he _had_ +an observation to offer in the circumstances, it would be one so +frivolously harmless as that cited. To observe to somebody "You +are knocked up," might, with tone of commiseration thrown in, be a +friendly, almost an affectionate, remark. Why the words, if uttered +at all, should be taken down, no one could even guess. TIM sat in +deep dejection, overborne by this unexpected and undeserved contumely. +Parched-pea business on Benches round him became contagious; MELLOR +up and down in the Chair with corresponding motion; SWIFT MACNEILL +shouting something at top of his voice; Ross rising to explain; +JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg actually explaining; MACARTNEY saying +something; TOMMY BOWLES, not to be out of it, moving that somebody +else's words be taken down. At length, in comparative lull in storm, +Chairman adroitly signalled to CHAMBERLAIN, who continued his speech. +Members, generally, gratefully availed themselves of his interposition +to take their breath. + +[Illustration: _Mr. J. G. L-ws-n, having found in a dictionary the +Irish word for "a House of Commons," obliges:--_ + + In Irish, I will sing it clear, + There's a name for the House which you shall hear. + (_Spoken_) Which is + (_Sings_) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looral + Ri-az tolooral ri do! + + [_Chorus everybody._] + +"Do you know, TOBY, what this reminds me of?" said Earl SPENCER, +looking down on turbulent scene from Peers' Gallery. "Carries me back +to boyhood's days, and what used to happen when, in temporary absence +of head-master, French usher took charge of the school." + +J. G. LAWSON, on spending time in Library, looking up native name +for proposed Legislative Assembly in Dublin. Found what it used to be +called when BRIAN was King; written name down, tries to pronounce it. +TIM HEALY says, as far as he can make out, LAWSON is speaking Welsh; +it is suggested that Chairman shall put Question. MELLOR says he's +quite enough to do to put Amendments in English; declines to attempt +the Irish. LAWSON withdraws, using awful language, which he insists is +Irish. It sounds even worse. + +_Business done._--Blusterous. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE. + +(_Rough Sketch by Our Artist without elbow-room._)] + + * * * * * + +_Saturday Morning._--Another afternoon in Committee on Home-Rule Bill. +Not so lively as yesterday, but equal amount of business not done, +which, after all is the thing. House fairly full; gunpowder lying +about in all directions, as shown by occasional flash; and one regular +explosion. Went off to Library; sat in quiet corner with PRINCE +ARTHUR'S last book in hand. Fancy I must have fallen asleep; found +tall figure sitting next to me; drowsily recognised RAIKES. Couldn't +be RAIKES, you know; long ago gone to another place. Yet figure +unmistakeable, and voice well remembered. Seem to have been asking him +question. + +"What do I think about new Chairman?" he was saying. "Well, of course, +that is a delicate question to put to me; was Chairman myself for many +sessions; know every thorn in the cushion of the seat. It is, I should +say, the most difficult post in House; far more so than SPEAKER'S. +SPEAKER is robed about with authority that does not pertain to +Chairman. Observations which, addressed to SPEAKER, would be flat +blasphemy, are, when flung at Chairman of Ways and Means, merely +choleric words. Apart from that, position is, through long stretches +of sitting, more arduous. When full-dress debate going on, SPEAKER +of judgment and experience can go easy; may even, upon occasion, +strategically doze. One did in times not so long ago, and was caught +_flagrante asleepoh_. MACKWORTH PRAED was Member of the House then; +made little speech in verse on incident. You remember it? + + Sleep, Mr. SPEAKER; it's surely fair, + If you don't in your bed, that you should in your Chair; + Longer and longer still they grow, + Tory and Radical, Aye and No + Talking by night, and talking by day. + Sleep, Mr. SPEAKER; sleep, sleep, while you may. + +[Illustration: Blind Man's Buff with the Chairman; or, "The Mellor and +His Men."] + +"Chairman must be on alert every moment in Committee. Rule under his +jurisdiction is conversation as opposed to speech-making when SPEAKER +in Chair. Any moment out of depths of dulness may suddenly rise a +whirlwind, which he is expected forthwith to ride. Especially in +connection with Bill like this now before Committee, Chairman is in +state of tension from time he takes Chair till he leaves. Don't forget +all this when you criticise MELLOR, still new to place. He's a good +fellow, and a shrewd one; but has, among other difficulties, to fight +against proneness to good-nature. Good-nature out of place in the +Chair. COURTNEY knew that, and successfully overcame his natural +tendencies. MELLOR too anxious to oblige. Must get over that. Above +all, should never explain. Suddenly called upon for decision on knotty +point, must needs make mistake sometimes. If he does, unless it be +very serious, _he should stick to it_. For Chairman of Committees, +better to be in the wrong and uphold authority of Chair, than +to wriggle into the right at its expense. MELLOR should be more +monosyllabic in his style, more ruthless in his dealing with +disorderly interruption, more wary about putting his foot down, but, +being planted, it should be immovable. It would make his fortune if he +could only name CHAMBERLAIN. That would be difficult, I know, for JOEY +C. is sly, dev'lish sly. He should begin with JEMMY LOWTHER, who +gives plenty of chances. Thence he might work upwards. Is that a bell +ringing? Yes. Must be off, or I'll get shut out. We've lately adopted +the Early Closing Movement." + +Certainly bell was ringing; it was for Division on Clause I. Still +fact seems to run on all fours with what I remember RAIKES talking of +just now. Yet, again, when one comes to think of it, can a bell run on +all fours? Everything very strange. Shall go and vote. + +_Business done._--Clause I. agreed to. + + * * * * * + +TO THE WOOLSACK. + + Sincere congratulations for + Our conscience-keeping Chancellor. + Whom lawyers know as HERSCHELL, C. + Is now Lord HERSCHELL, G.C.B. + + * * * * * + +AN ADDITION TO THE CALENDAR.--Sir SOMERS VINE, in recognition of his +services in connection with the Imperial Institute, has been appointed +a Companion of St. Michael and St. George. And why not? He will be +found excellent company. + + * * * * * + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Missing and illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired. + +Page 240: 'dulness' is correct-- + +from Oxford Online Dictionary: + +dull ... -- DERIVATIVES dullness (also dulness). + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +104, May 20, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 26769.txt or 26769.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/7/6/26769/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/26769.zip b/26769.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..72fc06e --- /dev/null +++ b/26769.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f46fe8d --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #26769 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/26769) |
