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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/25961-h.zip b/25961-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eb04f82 --- /dev/null +++ b/25961-h.zip diff --git a/25961-h/25961-h.htm b/25961-h/25961-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a3f078e --- /dev/null +++ b/25961-h/25961-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1842 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Bib Ballads, by Ring W Lardner. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { margin: 5em auto 5em auto; + height: 2px; + border-width: 1px 0 0 0; + border-style: solid; + border-color: #998a70; + width: 440px; + clear: both; + } + + + + div.centered {text-align: center;} /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 1 */ + div.centered table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;} /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 2 */ + + + body{margin-left: 15%; + margin-right: 15%; + font-size: 1.2em; + } + + + + .center {text-align: center;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center; margin-top: 7em; } + + + .cpoem {width: 18em; margin: 0 auto;} /* centers text and maintains left justified margin */ + .cpoem1 {width: 22em; margin: 0 auto;} + .cpoem2 {width: 10em; margin-left: 2em;} + .cpoem3 {width: 26em; margin: 0 auto;} + + + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Bib Ballads, by Ring W. Lardner + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Bib Ballads + +Author: Ring W. Lardner + +Illustrator: Fontaine Fox + +Release Date: July 3, 2008 [EBook #25961] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BIB BALLADS *** + + + + +Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images +generously made available by The Internet Archive/American +Libraries.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 485px;"> +<img src="images/003.jpg" width="485" height="700" alt="" title="title page" /> +</div> + + + + + + +<h1>BIB BALLADS</h1> + +<h4>BY<br /></h4> + +<h2>RING W. LARDNER<br /> +<br /></h2> +<h4>ILLUSTRATED BY<br /></h4> +<h3>FONTAINE FOX<br /></h3> + + + +<p class="center">Published by<br /> +P. F. VOLLAND & CO.<br /> +NEW YORK CHICAGO TORONTO<br /><br /> + + + +Copyright 1915<br /> +P. F. Volland & Co.<br /> +Chicago, U. S. A.<br /> +(All Rights Reserved)<br /> +</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> +<h3>CONTENTS</h3> + +<div class='centered'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="CONTENTS"> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#GOOD-BY_BILL">GOOD-BY BILL</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#A_VISIT_FROM_YOUNG_GLOOM">A VISIT FROM YOUNG GLOOM</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#AN_APPRECIATIVE_AUDIENCE">AN APPRECIATIVE AUDIENCE</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#DISCIPLINE">DISCIPLINE</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#INEXPENSIVE_GUESTS">INEXPENSIVE GUESTS</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#HIS_SENSE_OF_HUMOR">HIS SENSE OF HUMOR</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#SPEECH_ECONOMY">SPEECH ECONOMY</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#WELCOME_TO_SPRING">WELCOME TO SPRING</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#TASTE">TASTE</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#RIDDLES">RIDDLES</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#HESITATION">HESITATION</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#HIS_WONDERFUL_CHOO-CHOOS">HIS WONDERFUL CHOO-CHOOS</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#COUSINLY_AFFECTION">COUSINLY AFFECTION</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#MY_BABYS_GARDEN">MY BABY'S GARDEN</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#DECISION_REVERSED">DECISION REVERSED</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_GROCERY_MAN_AND_THE_BEAR">THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BEAR</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#COMING_HOME">COMING HOME</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#HIS_IMAGINATION">HIS IMAGINATION</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#HIS_MEMORY">HIS MEMORY</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#CONFESSION">CONFESSION</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#HIS_LADY_FRIEND">HIS LADY FRIEND</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#DECLARATION_OF_INDEPENDENCE">DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_ETERNAL_GREETING">THE ETERNAL GREETING</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#GUESS_AGAIN">GUESS AGAIN</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#NEARLY_A_SINECURE">NEARLY A SINECURE</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_HECKUSES">THE HECKUSES</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#HIS_FAVORITE_ROLE">HIS FAVORITE ROLE</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_PATHS_OF_RASHNESS">THE PATHS OF RASHNESS</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_NEW_PLAYTHING">THE NEW PLAYTHING</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/005cropped.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 800px;" width="636" summary="FOREWORD"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + +<h3>FOREWORD</h3> +<div class="cpoem"> +<p><br /><br /> +Dear Parents:—Don't imagine, please,<br /> +It's in a boastful spirit<br /> +I fashion verses such as these;<br /> +That's not the truth or near it.<br /> +<br /> +A hundred or a thousand, yes,<br /> +A million kids there may be<br /> +Who aren't one iota less<br /> +Attractive than this baby.<br /> +<br /> +I'll venture that your household has<br /> +As valuable a treasure<br /> +As mine, but mine I know, and as<br /> +For yours, I've not that pleasure.<br /> +<br /> +And that is why my book's about<br /> +Just one, O Dads and Mothers;<br /> +But babes are babes, and mine, no doubt,<br /> +Is very much like others.<br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">THE AUTHOR</span><br /> +</p> +</div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + + +<h2><a name="BIB_BALLADS" id="BIB_BALLADS"></a>BIB BALLADS</h2> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 481px;"> +<img src="images/006.jpg" width="481" height="600" alt="" title="BIB BALLADS" /> +</div> + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/007plain.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 802px;" width="636" summary="GOOD-BY BILL"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + +<h3><a name="GOOD-BY_BILL" id="GOOD-BY_BILL"></a>GOOD-BY BILL</h3> +<div class="cpoem"> +<p><br /><br /> +Dollar Bill, that I've held so tight<br /> +Ever since payday, a week ago,<br /> +Shall I purchase with you tonight<br /> +A pair of seats at the vaudeville show?<br /> +(Hark! A voice from the easy chair:<br /> +"Look at his shoes! We must buy a pair.")<br /> +<br /> +Dollar Bill, from the wreckage saved,<br /> +Tell me, how shall I squander you?<br /> +Shall I be shined, shampooed and shaved,<br /> +Singed and trimmed 'round the edges, too?<br /> +(Hark! A voice from the easy chair:<br /> +"He hasn't a romper that's fit to wear.")<br /> +<br /> +Dollar Bill, that I cherished so,<br /> +Think of the cigarettes you'd buy,<br /> +Turkish ones, with a kick, you know;<br /> +Makin's eventually tire a guy.<br /> +(Hark! A voice from the easy chair:<br /> +"Look at those stockings! Just one big tear!")<br /> +<br /> +Dollar Bill, it is time to part.<br /> +What do I care for a vaudeville show?<br /> +I'll shave myself and look just as smart.<br /> +Makin's aren't so bad, you know.<br /> +Dollar Bill, we must say good-by;<br /> +There on the floor is the Reason Why.<br /> +</p> +</div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 568px;"> +<img src="images/008.jpg" width="568" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/009900.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="A VISIT FROM YOUNG GLOOM"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + +<h3><a name="A_VISIT_FROM_YOUNG_GLOOM" id="A_VISIT_FROM_YOUNG_GLOOM"></a>A VISIT FROM YOUNG GLOOM</h3> +<div class="cpoem"> +<p> +There's been a young stranger at our house,<br /> +A baby whom nobody knew;<br /> +Who hated his brother, his father, his mother,<br /> +And made them aware of it, too.<br /> +<br /> +He stayed with us nearly a fortnight<br /> +And carried a grouch all the while,<br /> +Nor promise nor present could make him look pleasant;<br /> +He hadn't the power to smile.<br /> +<br /> +He cried when he couldn't have something;<br /> +He cried just as hard when he could;<br /> +Kind words by the earful but made him more tearful,<br /> +And scoldings did just as much good.<br /> +<br /> +He stormed when his meals weren't ready,<br /> +And when they <i>were</i> ready, he screamed.<br /> +He went to bed growling, got up again howling<br /> +And quarreled and snarled as he dreamed.<br /> +<br /> +He's gone, and the child we are fond of<br /> +Is back, just as nice as of old.<br /> +But I hope to be in some port European<br /> +The next time he has a bad cold.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/010.jpg" width="600" height="478" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/011.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="AN APPRECIATIVE AUDIENCE"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="AN_APPRECIATIVE_AUDIENCE" id="AN_APPRECIATIVE_AUDIENCE"></a>AN APPRECIATIVE AUDIENCE</h3> + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p> +My son, I wish that it were half<br /> +As easy to extract a laugh<br /> +From grown-ups as from thee.<br /> +Then I'd go on the stage, my boy,<br /> +While Richard Carle and Eddie Foy<br /> +Burned up with jealousy.<br /> +<br /> +I wouldn't have to rack my brain<br /> +Or lie awake all night in vain<br /> +Pursuit of brand new jokes;<br /> +Nor fear my lines were heard with groans<br /> +Of pain and sympathetic moans<br /> +From sympathetic folks.<br /> +<br /> +I'd merely have to make a face,<br /> +Just twist a feature out of place,<br /> +And be the soul of wit;<br /> +Or bark, and then pretend to bite,<br /> +And, from the screams of wild delight,<br /> +Be sure I'd made a hit.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 581px;"> +<img src="images/012.jpg" width="581" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/template.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="DISCIPLINE"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><br /><br /><br /><a name="DISCIPLINE" id="DISCIPLINE"></a>DISCIPLINE</h3> + +<div class="cpoem3"> +<p><br /><br /> +He couldn't have a doughnut, and it made him very mad;<br /> +He undertook to get revenge by screaming at his dad.<br /> +<br /> +"Cut out that noise!" I ordered, and he gave another roar,<br /> +And so I put him in "the room" and shut and locked the door.<br /> +<br /> +I left him in his prison cell two minutes, just about,<br /> +And, penitent, he smiled at me when I did let him out.<br /> +<br /> +But when he got another look at the forbidden fruit<br /> +He gave a yell that they could hear in Jacksonville or Butte.<br /> +<br /> +"Cut out that noise!" I barked again. "Cut out that foghorn stuff!<br /> +Perhaps I didn't leave you in your prison long enough.<br /> +<br /> +"You want your dad to keep you jailed all afternoon, I guess."<br /> +He smiled at me and answered his equivalent for "yes."<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 524px;"> +<img src="images/014.jpg" width="524" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/015.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="INEXPENSIVE GUESTS"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><br /><br /><a name="INEXPENSIVE_GUESTS" id="INEXPENSIVE_GUESTS"></a>INEXPENSIVE GUESTS</h3> + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p><br /> +I wonder how 'twould make you feel,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">My fellow food providers,</span><br /> +To have as guests at ev'ry meal<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Three—count 'em, three—outsiders.</span><br /> +<br /> +Well, that's the case with me, but still<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I don't complain or holler,</span><br /> +For, strange to say, the groc'ry bill<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Has not gone up a dollar.</span><br /> +<br /> +These guests of ours, to make it brief,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Can't really chew or swallow;</span><br /> +They're merely dolls, called Indian Chief,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And Funny Man, and Rollo.</span><br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 560px;"> +<img src="images/016.jpg" width="560" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/017.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="HIS SENSE OF HUMOR"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="HIS_SENSE_OF_HUMOR" id="HIS_SENSE_OF_HUMOR"></a>HIS SENSE OF HUMOR</h3> + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p> +Perhaps in some respects it's true<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">That you resemble dad;</span><br /> +To be informed I look like you<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Would never make me mad.</span><br /> +But one thing I am sure of, son,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You have a different line</span><br /> +Of humor, your idea of fun<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Is not a bit like mine.</span><br /> +<br /> +You drop my slippers in the sink<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And leave them there to soak.</span><br /> +That's very laughable, you think<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">But I can't see the joke</span><br /> +You take my hat outdoors with you<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And fill it full of earth;</span><br /> +You seem to think that's witty, too,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">But I'm not moved to mirth.</span><br /> +<br /> +You open up the chicken-yard;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Its inmates run a mile;</span><br /> +You giggle, but I find it hard<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To force one-half a smile.</span><br /> +No, kid, I fear your funny stuff,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Though funny it may be,</span><br /> +Is not quite delicate enough<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To make a hit with me.</span><br /> +</p></div> + +</td></tr></table></div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/018.jpg" width="600" height="597" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/019.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="SPEECH ECONOMY"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="SPEECH_ECONOMY" id="SPEECH_ECONOMY"></a>SPEECH ECONOMY</h3> + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p> +Since he began to talk and sing,<br /> +I've learned one interesting thing—<br /> +The value of a verb is small;<br /> +In fact, it has no worth at all.<br /> +<br /> +Why waste the breath required to say,<br /> +"While toddling through the park today,<br /> +I saw a bird up in a tree,"<br /> +When "Twee, pahk, birt," does splendidly?<br /> +<br /> +Why should one say, "Please pass the bread,"<br /> +When "Ba-ba me" is easier said?<br /> +And why "I'm starved. Have supper quick,"<br /> +When "LUNCH!" yelled loudly, does the trick?<br /> +<br /> +Why "I've been riding on a train,"<br /> +When "By-by, Choo-choo" makes it plain?<br /> +"Let words be few," the poet saith,<br /> +So leave out words and save your breath.<br /> +</p></div> + +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 569px;"> +<img src="images/020.jpg" width="569" height="600" alt="" title="decortion" /> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/021.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="WELCOME TO SPRING"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="WELCOME_TO_SPRING" id="WELCOME_TO_SPRING"></a>WELCOME TO SPRING</h3> + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p> +Spring, you are welcome, for you are the friend of<br /> +Fathers of all little girlies and chaps.<br /> +Spring, you are welcome, for you mean the end of<br /> +Bundling them up in their cold-weather wraps.<br /> +<br /> +Breathes there a parent of masculine gender,<br /> +One whose young hopeful is seven or less,<br /> +Who never has cursed the designer and vender<br /> +Of juvenile-out-of-doors-winter-time dress?<br /> +<br /> +Leggings and overcoat, rubbers that squeeze on,<br /> +Mittens and sweater a trifle too small;<br /> +Not in the lot is one thing you can ease on,<br /> +One that's affixed with no trouble at all.<br /> +<br /> +Spring, you are welcome, thrice welcome to father;<br /> +Not for your flowers and birds, I'm afraid,<br /> +As much as your promised relief from the bother<br /> +Of bundling the kid for the daily parade.<br /> +</p></div> + +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 571px;"> +<img src="images/022.jpg" width="571" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/023.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="TASTE"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + +<h3><a name="TASTE" id="TASTE"></a>TASTE</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"><p> +I can't understand why you pass up the toys<br /> +That Santa considered just right for small boys;<br /> +I can't understand why you turn up your nose<br /> +At dogs, hobby-horses, and treasures like those,<br /> +And play a whole hour, sometimes longer than that,<br /> +With a thing as prosaic as daddy's old hat.<br /> +<br /> +The tables and shelves have been loaded for you<br /> +With volumes of pictures—they're pretty ones, too—<br /> +Of birds, beasts, and fishes, and old Mother Goose<br /> +Repines in a corner and feels like the deuce,<br /> +While you, on the floor, quite contentedly look<br /> +At page after page of the telephone book.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/024.jpg" width="600" height="570" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/025.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="RIDDLES"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + +<h3><a name="RIDDLES" id="RIDDLES"></a>RIDDLES</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p> +If it's fun to take books from the bookcase,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">If you really believe it's worth while</span><br /> +To carry them out to the kitchen<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">And build them all up in a pile,</span><br /> +Why isn't it just as agreeable then<br /> +To carry them back to the bookcase again?<br /> +<br /> +If it's fun to make marks with a pencil<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">In books that one cares for a heap;</span><br /> +To tear out the pages from volumes<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">One likes and is anxious to keep,</span><br /> +Why isn't it pleasure to put on the hummer<br /> +A magazine read and discarded last summer?<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 484px;"> +<img src="images/026.jpg" width="484" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/027.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="HESITATION"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="HESITATION" id="HESITATION"></a>HESITATION</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p> +I've orders to waken you from your nap,<br /> +And orders are orders, my little chap.<br /> +But I hate to do it, because it seems<br /> +A shame to break in on your blissful dreams.<br /> +<br /> +I've sat and watched you a long, long while,<br /> +And not since I came have you ceased to smile.<br /> +So it strikes me as wrong to arouse you, boy,<br /> +From sleep that's so plainly a sleep of joy.<br /> +<br /> +'Twill make a big diff'rence tonight, of course,<br /> +But p'rhaps you are riding a real live horse;<br /> +In dreams, it's a pleasant and harmless sport,<br /> +So why should I cruelly cut it short?<br /> +<br /> +Maybe you have for your very own<br /> +A piece of pie or an ice cream cone;<br /> +If that's your amusement, why end it quick?<br /> +Dream-food can't possibly make you sick.<br /> +<br /> +Orders are orders and I'm afraid<br /> +It's trouble for me if they're disobeyed.<br /> +But I'll bet if the boss could see you, son,<br /> +She'd put off the duty, as I have done.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/028.jpg" width="600" height="539" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/029.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="HIS WONDERFUL CHOO-CHOOS"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="HIS_WONDERFUL_CHOO-CHOOS" id="HIS_WONDERFUL_CHOO-CHOOS"></a>HIS WONDERFUL CHOO-CHOOS</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p> +When I see his wonderful choo-choo trains,<br /> +Which he daily builds with infinite pains,<br /> +Whose cars are a crazy and curious lot—<br /> +A doll, a picture, a pepper pot,<br /> +A hat, a pillow, a horse, a book,<br /> +A pote, a mintie, a button hook,<br /> +A bag of tobacco, a piece of string,<br /> +A pair of wubbas, a bodkin ring,<br /> +A deck of twos and a paper box,<br /> +A brush, a comb and a lot of blocks—<br /> +When I first gaze on his wonderful trains,<br /> +Which he daily builds with infinite pains,<br /> +I laugh, and I think to myself, "O gee!<br /> +Was ever a child as cute as he?"<br /> +<br /> +But when he's gone to his cozy nest,<br /> +From the toil of his strenuous day to rest,<br /> +And when I gaze on his trains once more,<br /> +Where they lie, abandoned, across the floor,<br /> +And when the terrible task I face<br /> +Of putting each "Pullman" back in its place,<br /> +I groan a little, and think, "O gee!<br /> +Was ever a child as mean as he?"<br /> +</p></div> + + + +<div class="cpoem2"> + +<p><br /><br />GLOSSARY</p> + +<p> +Bodkin—A napkin<br /> +Mintie—A mitten.<br /> +Pote—A pencil.<br /> +Twos—Cards.<br /> +</p></div> + +</td></tr></table></div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 547px;"> +<img src="images/030.jpg" width="547" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/031.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="COUSINLY AFFECTION"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="COUSINLY_AFFECTION" id="COUSINLY_AFFECTION"></a>COUSINLY AFFECTION</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p> +Why do you love your Cousin Paull?<br /> +For his sweet face, his smile, and all<br /> +The little tricks that charm us so?<br /> +You're not quite old enough to know<br /> +How cute he is; to realize<br /> +How clever for a child his size.<br /> +I'm sure you can't appreciate<br /> +The things that make us think him great.<br /> +<br /> +And yet you love your Cousin Paull.<br /> +Is it because he's twice as small<br /> +As you, just right for you to maul?<br /> +Because he won't fight back, or bawl?<br /> +Because when he is pushed he'll fall?<br /> +And, where most kids would howl and squall,<br /> +He takes it, nor puts in a call<br /> +For mother? Am I warm at all?<br /> +Is this why you love Cousin Paull?<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 521px;"> +<img src="images/032.jpg" width="521" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/033.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="MY BABY'S GARDEN"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="MY_BABYS_GARDEN" id="MY_BABYS_GARDEN"></a>MY BABY'S GARDEN</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p> +My baby has a garden,<br /> +"Planted" four days ago,<br /> +And nearly half his waking hours<br /> +He spends among his precious flowers<br /> +With sprinkling can and hoe.<br /> +<br /> +My baby has a garden,<br /> +And Oh, how proud he is<br /> +When, yielding to his pleading, we<br /> +Lay work aside and go to see<br /> +This masterpiece of his!<br /> +<br /> +Behold my baby's garden,<br /> +Close by a rubbish pile!<br /> +Look at the sprinkling can and hoe<br /> +And flowers; then tell me if you know<br /> +Whether to sigh or smile.<br /> +<br /> +The flowers in baby's garden,<br /> +Flat on the ground they lie,<br /> +Two hyacinths, a withered pair,<br /> +Plucked from the pile of rubbish, where<br /> +They had been left to die.<br /> +<br /> +The flowers in baby's garden,<br /> +"Planted" four days ago,<br /> +Grow every hour a sadder sight,<br /> +Weaker and sicklier, in spite<br /> +Of sprinkling can and hoe.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 461px;"> +<img src="images/034.jpg" width="461" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/035.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="DECISION REVERSED"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><br /><a name="DECISION_REVERSED" id="DECISION_REVERSED"></a>DECISION REVERSED</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p><br /><br /> +When I mixed with the shoppers and fought in vain<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To get what I sought, in the Christmas rush;</span><br /> +When they stood on my toes in the crowded train,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Or dented my ribs in the sidewalk crush,</span><br /> +I dropped my manners and snarled and swore,<br /> +And thought: "It's a bothersome, beastly bore!"<br /> +<br /> +But when, at the Christmas dawn, they brought<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">My kid to the room where his things were piled,</span><br /> +And when, from my vantage point, I caught<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The look on his face, I murmured: "Child,</span><br /> +Your dad was a fool when he snarled and swore,<br /> +And called it a bothersome, beastly bore."<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 504px;"> +<img src="images/036.jpg" width="504" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/template.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BEAR"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><br /><a name="THE_GROCERY_MAN_AND_THE_BEAR" id="THE_GROCERY_MAN_AND_THE_BEAR"></a>THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BEAR</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p><br /> +He was weary of all of his usual joys;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">His books and his blocks made him tired,</span><br /> +And so did his games and mechanical toys,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And the songs he had always admired;</span><br /> +So I told him a story, a story so new<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">It had never been heard anywhere;</span><br /> +A tale disconnected, unlikely, untrue,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Called The Grocery Man and the Bear.</span><br /> +<br /> +I didn't think much of the story despite<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The fact 'twas a child of my brain.</span><br /> +And I never dreamt, when I told it that night,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">That I'd have to tell it again;</span><br /> +I never imagined 'twould make such a hit<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">With the audience of one that was there</span><br /> +That for hours at a time he would quietly sit<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Through The Grocery Man and the Bear.</span><br /> +<br /> +To all other stories, this one is preferred;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">It's the season's best seller by far,</span><br /> +And out at our house it's as frequently heard<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">As cuss-words in Mexico are.</span><br /> +When choo-choos and horses and picture books fail,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He'll remain, quite content, in his chair,</span><br /> +While I tell o'er and o'er the incredible tale<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Of The Grocery Man and the Bear.</span><br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 591px;"> +<img src="images/038.jpg" width="591" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/039.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="COMING HOME"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="COMING_HOME" id="COMING_HOME"></a>COMING HOME</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p> +Prepare for noise, you quiet walls!<br /> +You floors, get set for heavy falls!<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Frail dishes, hide away!</span><br /> +Get ready for some scratches, stairs!<br /> +Clean table linen, say your prayers!<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The kid comes home today!</span><br /> +<br /> +For three long weeks you've been, O House,<br /> +As noiseless as the well-known mouse,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">As silent as the tomb.</span><br /> +And you've stayed neat, with none on hand<br /> +To track your floors with mud and sand,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To muss your ev'ry room.</span><br /> +<br /> +The ideal place for work you've been,<br /> +But soon a Bedlam once again,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">A mess, a wreck. But say,</span><br /> +I wonder will it make us mad.<br /> +No, House, I'll bet we both are glad<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The kid comes home today.</span><br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 433px;"> +<img src="images/040.jpg" width="433" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/041.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="HIS IMAGINATION"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><br /><a name="HIS_IMAGINATION" id="HIS_IMAGINATION"></a>HIS IMAGINATION</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p><br /> +One thing that's yours, my little child<br /> +Your poor old dad is simply wild<br /> +To own. It's not a book or toy;<br /> +It's your imagination, boy.<br /> +If I possessed it, what a time<br /> +I'd have, nor need to spend a dime!<br /> +<br /> +I wish that I could get astride<br /> +A broom, and have a horse to ride;<br /> +Or climb into the swing, and be<br /> +A sailor on the deep blue sea,<br /> +Or b'lieve a chair a choo-choo train,<br /> +Bound anywhere and back again.<br /> +<br /> +If I could ride as fast and far<br /> +On ship or horse, in train or car,<br /> +As you, at small expense or none,<br /> +If I could have one-half your fun<br /> +And do the things that you do, free,<br /> +I'd give them back my salary.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 582px;"> +<img src="images/042.jpg" width="582" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/043.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="HIS MEMORY"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><br /><a name="HIS_MEMORY" id="HIS_MEMORY"></a>HIS MEMORY</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p><br /> +Besides my little son's imagination,<br /> +Another thing he has appeals to me<br /> +And agitates my envious admiration—<br /> +It's his accommodating memory.<br /> +<br /> +An instant after some unlucky stumble<br /> +Has floored him and induced a howl of pain,<br /> +He's clean forgotten all about his tumble<br /> +And violently sets out to romp again.<br /> +<br /> +But if, when I leave home, I say that maybe<br /> +I'll get him something nice while I'm away,<br /> +It's very safe to bet that Mr. Baby<br /> +Will not forget, though I be gone all day.<br /> +<br /> +Ah, would I might lose sight of things unpleasant:<br /> +The bills I owe; the work I haven't done.<br /> +And only think of future joys and present,<br /> +Like the approaching payday, and my son.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;"> +<img src="images/044.jpg" width="550" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/045.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="CONFESSION"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="CONFESSION" id="CONFESSION"></a>CONFESSION</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p> +A sleuth like Pinkerton or Burns<br /> +Is told that there has been a crime.<br /> +He runs down clues and leads, and learns<br /> +Who did the deed, in course of time.<br /> +It's just the other way with me:<br /> +The first thing I am sure of is<br /> +The criminal's identity,<br /> +And then I learn what crime was his.<br /> +<br /> +When Son comes up with hanging head<br /> +And smiles a certain kind of smile,<br /> +When he's affectionate instead<br /> +Of playful; when he stalls awhile<br /> +And starts to speak and stops again,<br /> +Or, squirming like a mouse that's caught,<br /> +Asserts, "I am a GOOD boy," then<br /> +I look to see what harm's been wrought.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 421px;"> +<img src="images/046.jpg" width="421" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/047.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="HIS LADY FRIEND"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><br /><a name="HIS_LADY_FRIEND" id="HIS_LADY_FRIEND"></a>HIS LADY FRIEND</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p><br /><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Who is Sylvia? What is she</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">That early every morning</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">You desert your family</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">And rush to see her, scorning</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Your once cherished ma and me?</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Are her playthings such a treat?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">I will steal 'em from her;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Better that than not to meet</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">My son and heir all summer,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Save when he comes home to eat.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Or is she herself the one</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">And only real attraction?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Has your little heart begun</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">To get that sort of action?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Better wait a few years, son.</span><br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 476px;"> +<img src="images/048.jpg" width="476" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/049.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="DECLARATION_OF_INDEPENDENCE" id="DECLARATION_OF_INDEPENDENCE"></a>DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p> +"MYSELF!" It means that you don't care<br /> +To have me lift you in your chair;<br /> +That if I do, you'll rage and tear.<br /> +<br /> +"MYSELF!" It means you don't require<br /> +Assistance from your willing sire<br /> +In eating; 'twill but rouse your ire.<br /> +<br /> +"MYSELF!" It means when you are through<br /> +That you don't want your daddy to<br /> +Unseat you, as he used to do.<br /> +<br /> +Time was, and not so long ago,<br /> +When you were carried to and fro<br /> +And waited on, but now? No! No!<br /> +<br /> +You'd rather fall and break your head,<br /> +Or fill your lap with cream and bread<br /> +Than be helped up or down, or fed.<br /> +<br /> +Well, kid, I hope you'll stay that way<br /> +And that there'll never come a day<br /> +When you're without the strength to say,<br /> +"MYSELF!"<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 566px;"> +<img src="images/050.jpg" width="566" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/051.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="THE ETERNAL GREETING"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="THE_ETERNAL_GREETING" id="THE_ETERNAL_GREETING"></a>THE ETERNAL GREETING</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p> +What is the welcoming word I hear<br /> +When I reach home at the close of day?<br /> +"Glad you are with us, daddy, dear?"<br /> +Something I'd like to hear you say?<br /> +No, it is this, invariably:<br /> +"Daddy, what have you got for me?"<br /> +<br /> +"Deep affection," I might reply;<br /> +What would it profit if I did?<br /> +I might answer: "The price to buy<br /> +Clothes and edibles for you, kid."<br /> +You would repeat, insistently:<br /> +"Daddy, what have you got for me?"<br /> +<br /> +Isn't my Self enough for you?<br /> +Doesn't my Presence satisfy?<br /> +No, that spelling would never do;<br /> +You want Presents, a new supply,<br /> +When you inquire so eagerly:<br /> +"Daddy, what have you got for me?"<br /> +<br /> +'Twould be much nicer and cheaper, son,<br /> +If I were welcome without a toy,<br /> +But as I'm not, I must purchase one<br /> +And take my reward from your look of joy<br /> +When you open the bundle and cry: "O, see!<br /> +See what daddy has got for me!"<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 513px;"> +<img src="images/052.jpg" width="513" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/053.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="GUESS AGAIN"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><br /><a name="GUESS_AGAIN" id="GUESS_AGAIN"></a>GUESS AGAIN</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p><br /> +"I guess I'll help you, daddy."<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And daddy can't say "No;"</span><br /> +For if he did, 'twould wound you, kid,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And cause the tears to flow.</span><br /> +<br /> +"I guess I'll help you, daddy."<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And daddy says: "All right,"</span><br /> +And tries to do, ignoring you,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Whatever work's in sight.</span><br /> +<br /> +But what's the use of trying?<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">As well be reconciled</span><br /> +To quit and play the game that may<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Be pleasing to you, child.</span><br /> +<br /> +To quit and play, or roughhouse,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Or read, as you elect;</span><br /> +For I'm afraid the guess you made<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Was wholly incorrect.</span><br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 527px;"> +<img src="images/054.jpg" width="527" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/055.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="NEARLY A SINECURE"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="NEARLY_A_SINECURE" id="NEARLY_A_SINECURE"></a>NEARLY A SINECURE</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p> +"I'm going to the office."<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">So says my youngster, and</span><br /> +Gets on the train to take him there<br /> +(The train's the sofa or a chair,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Whichever's near at hand.)</span><br /> +<br /> +"Now I am to the office.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I'm working now," says he,</span><br /> +And just continues standing there<br /> +On that same lounge or that same chair,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">As idle as can be.</span><br /> +<br /> +Perhaps four seconds after<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He first got on his train,</span><br /> +I see him getting off once more.<br /> +He steps or falls onto the floor<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And says, "I'm home again."</span><br /> +<br /> +I don't know what they pay him,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Nor where the office is.</span><br /> +The nature of the boy's posish<br /> +I've never learned—but how I wish<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I had that job of his!</span><br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 506px;"> +<img src="images/056.jpg" width="506" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/057.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="THE HECKUSES"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="THE_HECKUSES" id="THE_HECKUSES"></a>THE HECKUSES</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p> +That may not be the proper way<br /> +To spell their name; I cannot say.<br /> +I've never seen 'em written out:<br /> +I've only heard 'em talked about.<br /> +They're coming here tonight to dine,<br /> +So says that little son of mine.<br /> +But all last week, 'twas just the same;<br /> +They were to come, and never came.<br /> +<br /> +And I'm just skeptical enough<br /> +To think they're all a myth, a bluff;<br /> +Mere creatures of my youngster's brain,<br /> +Whose coming he'll await in vain.<br /> +And yet to him they're very real.<br /> +They own a big black auto'bile.<br /> +They work downtown, and they'll arrive<br /> +Out here at one-two-three-four-five.<br /> +<br /> +The Heckuses are four all told.<br /> +There's Mrs. H. who's very old,<br /> +And Baby Heckus, and a lad<br /> +Named Tom, and Bill, the Heckus dad.<br /> +Beyond this point I can't describe<br /> +The fascinating Heckus tribe.<br /> +I can but wonder how he came<br /> +To think of such a lovely name.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 518px;"> +<img src="images/058.jpg" width="518" height="680" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/059.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="HIS FAVORITE ROLE"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="HIS_FAVORITE_ROLE" id="HIS_FAVORITE_ROLE"></a>HIS FAVORITE ROLE</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p> +You could be president as well as not,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Since all you'd have to do is think you were,</span><br /> +With that imagination that you've got;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Or multimillionaire if you prefer,</span><br /> +Or you could be some famous football star,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Or Tyrus Cobb, admired by ev'ry fan;</span><br /> +Instead of that, you tell me that you are<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The Garbage Man.</span><br /> +<br /> +Why pick him out, when you can take your choice?<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Is his so charming, nice, and sweet a role</span><br /> +That acting it should make you to rejoice<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And be a source of comfort to your soul?</span><br /> +Is there some hidden happiness that he<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Uncovers in his march from can to can</span><br /> +That you above all else should want to be<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The Garbage Man?</span><br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 514px;"> +<img src="images/060.jpg" width="514" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/059.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="THE PATHS OF RASHNESS"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + +<h3><a name="THE_PATHS_OF_RASHNESS" id="THE_PATHS_OF_RASHNESS"></a>THE PATHS OF RASHNESS</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem1"> +<p> +Up to the sky the birdman flew<br /> +And looped some loops that were bold and new.<br /> +The people marvelled at nerve so great<br /> +And gasped or cheered as he tempted fate,<br /> +More daring each day than the day before,<br /> +Till the birdman fell and arose no more.<br /> +<br /> +The bandit bragged of his daylight crimes<br /> +And said: "I'm the wonder of modern times."<br /> +Bolder and bolder his thefts became,<br /> +And the people shook when they heard his name.<br /> +He boasted: "I'm one that they'll never get."<br /> +But he jollied himself into Joliet.<br /> +<br /> +Well, son, I suppose you would be admired<br /> +For the valorous habit that you've acquired<br /> +Of rushing at each little girl you meet<br /> +And hugging her tight in the public street.<br /> +But the day will come, I have not a doubt,<br /> +When you'll stagger home with an eye scratched out.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 558px;"> +<img src="images/062.jpg" width="558" height="600" alt="" title="decoration" /> +</div> + +<div class="centered"> +<table style="background: url(images/063.jpg); margin-top: 7em; height: 900px;" width="640" summary="THE NEW PLAYTHING"> +<tr><td valign="middle" colspan="2"></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td valign="top"> + + + +<h3><br /><a name="THE_NEW_PLAYTHING" id="THE_NEW_PLAYTHING"></a>THE NEW PLAYTHING</h3> + + +<div class="cpoem"> +<p><br /> +I wonder what your thought will be<br /> +And what you'll say and do, sir,<br /> +When you come home again and see<br /> +What Daddy's got for you, sir.<br /> +<br /> +I wonder if you'll like it, boy,<br /> +Or turn away disgusted<br /> +(You've often scorned a nice, new toy<br /> +For one that's old and busted.)<br /> +<br /> +I wonder if you'll laugh, or cry<br /> +And run in fright to mother,<br /> +Or just act bored to death, when I<br /> +Show you your brand new brother.<br /> +</p></div> +</td></tr></table></div> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Bib Ballads, by Ring W. 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b/25961-h/images/template.jpg diff --git a/25961.txt b/25961.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fbc625c --- /dev/null +++ b/25961.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1384 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Bib Ballads, by Ring W. Lardner + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Bib Ballads + +Author: Ring W. Lardner + +Illustrator: Fontaine Fox + +Release Date: July 3, 2008 [EBook #25961] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BIB BALLADS *** + + + + +Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images +generously made available by The Internet Archive/American +Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + BIB BALLADS + + [Illustration] + + Copyright 1915 + P. F. Volland & Co. + Chicago, U. S. A. + (All Rights Reserved) + + + + + BIB BALLADS + + BY + + RING W. LARDNER + + ILLUSTRATED BY + FONTAINE FOX + + [Illustration] + + Published by + P. F. VOLLAND & CO. + NEW YORK CHICAGO TORONTO + + + + +FOREWORD + + + Dear Parents:--Don't imagine, please, + It's in a boastful spirit + I fashion verses such as these; + That's not the truth or near it. + + A hundred or a thousand, yes, + A million kids there may be + Who aren't one iota less + Attractive than this baby. + + I'll venture that your household has + As valuable a treasure + As mine, but mine I know, and as + For yours, I've not that pleasure. + + And that is why my book's about + Just one, O Dads and Mothers; + But babes are babes, and mine, no doubt, + Is very much like others. + + THE AUTHOR + +[Illustration] + + + + +BIB BALLADS + +[Illustration] + + + + +GOOD-BY BILL + + + Dollar Bill, that I've held so tight + Ever since payday, a week ago, + Shall I purchase with you tonight + A pair of seats at the vaudeville show? + (Hark! A voice from the easy chair: + "Look at his shoes! We must buy a pair.") + + Dollar Bill, from the wreckage saved, + Tell me, how shall I squander you? + Shall I be shined, shampooed and shaved, + Singed and trimmed 'round the edges, too? + (Hark! A voice from the easy chair: + "He hasn't a romper that's fit to wear.") + + Dollar Bill, that I cherished so, + Think of the cigarettes you'd buy, + Turkish ones, with a kick, you know; + Makin's eventually tire a guy. + (Hark! A voice from the easy chair: + "Look at those stockings! Just one big tear!") + + Dollar Bill, it is time to part. + What do I care for a vaudeville show? + I'll shave myself and look just as smart. + Makin's aren't so bad, you know. + Dollar Bill, we must say good-by; + There on the floor is the Reason Why. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +A VISIT FROM YOUNG GLOOM + + + There's been a young stranger at our house, + A baby whom nobody knew; + Who hated his brother, his father, his mother, + And made them aware of it, too. + + He stayed with us nearly a fortnight + And carried a grouch all the while, + Nor promise nor present could make him look pleasant; + He hadn't the power to smile. + + He cried when he couldn't have something; + He cried just as hard when he could; + Kind words by the earful but made him more tearful, + And scoldings did just as much good. + + He stormed when his meals weren't ready, + And when they _were_ ready, he screamed. + He went to bed growling, got up again howling + And quarreled and snarled as he dreamed. + + He's gone, and the child we are fond of + Is back, just as nice as of old. + But I hope to be in some port European + The next time he has a bad cold. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +AN APPRECIATIVE AUDIENCE + + + My son, I wish that it were half + As easy to extract a laugh + From grown-ups as from thee. + Then I'd go on the stage, my boy, + While Richard Carle and Eddie Foy + Burned up with jealousy. + + I wouldn't have to rack my brain + Or lie awake all night in vain + Pursuit of brand new jokes; + Nor fear my lines were heard with groans + Of pain and sympathetic moans + From sympathetic folks. + + I'd merely have to make a face, + Just twist a feature out of place, + And be the soul of wit; + Or bark, and then pretend to bite, + And, from the screams of wild delight, + Be sure I'd made a hit. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +DISCIPLINE + + + He couldn't have a doughnut, and it made him very mad; + He undertook to get revenge by screaming at his dad. + + "Cut out that noise!" I ordered, and he gave another roar, + And so I put him in "the room" and shut and locked the door. + + I left him in his prison cell two minutes, just about, + And, penitent, he smiled at me when I did let him out. + + But when he got another look at the forbidden fruit + He gave a yell that they could hear in Jacksonville or Butte. + + "Cut out that noise!" I barked again. "Cut out that foghorn stuff! + Perhaps I didn't leave you in your prison long enough. + + "You want your dad to keep you jailed all afternoon, I guess." + He smiled at me and answered his equivalent for "yes." + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +INEXPENSIVE GUESTS + + + I wonder how 'twould make you feel, + My fellow food providers, + To have as guests at ev'ry meal + Three--count 'em, three--outsiders. + + Well, that's the case with me, but still + I don't complain or holler, + For, strange to say, the groc'ry bill + Has not gone up a dollar. + + These guests of ours, to make it brief, + Can't really chew or swallow; + They're merely dolls, called Indian Chief, + And Funny Man, and Rollo. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +HIS SENSE OF HUMOR + + + Perhaps in some respects it's true + That you resemble dad; + To be informed I look like you + Would never make me mad. + But one thing I am sure of, son, + You have a different line + Of humor, your idea of fun + Is not a bit like mine. + + You drop my slippers in the sink + And leave them there to soak. + That's very laughable, you think + But I can't see the joke + You take my hat outdoors with you + And fill it full of earth; + You seem to think that's witty, too, + But I'm not moved to mirth. + + You open up the chicken-yard; + Its inmates run a mile; + You giggle, but I find it hard + To force one-half a smile. + No, kid, I fear your funny stuff, + Though funny it may be, + Is not quite delicate enough + To make a hit with me. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +SPEECH ECONOMY + + + Since he began to talk and sing, + I've learned one interesting thing-- + The value of a verb is small; + In fact, it has no worth at all. + + Why waste the breath required to say, + "While toddling through the park today, + I saw a bird up in a tree," + When "Twee, pahk, birt," does splendidly? + + Why should one say, "Please pass the bread," + When "Ba-ba me" is easier said? + And why "I'm starved. Have supper quick," + When "LUNCH!" yelled loudly, does the trick? + + Why "I've been riding on a train," + When "By-by, Choo-choo" makes it plain? + "Let words be few," the poet saith, + So leave out words and save your breath. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +WELCOME TO SPRING + + + Spring, you are welcome, for you are the friend of + Fathers of all little girlies and chaps. + Spring, you are welcome, for you mean the end of + Bundling them up in their cold-weather wraps. + + Breathes there a parent of masculine gender, + One whose young hopeful is seven or less, + Who never has cursed the designer and vender + Of juvenile-out-of-doors-winter-time dress? + + Leggings and overcoat, rubbers that squeeze on, + Mittens and sweater a trifle too small; + Not in the lot is one thing you can ease on, + One that's affixed with no trouble at all. + + Spring, you are welcome, thrice welcome to father; + Not for your flowers and birds, I'm afraid, + As much as your promised relief from the bother + Of bundling the kid for the daily parade. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +TASTE + + + I can't understand why you pass up the toys + That Santa considered just right for small boys; + I can't understand why you turn up your nose + At dogs, hobby-horses, and treasures like those, + And play a whole hour, sometimes longer than that, + With a thing as prosaic as daddy's old hat. + + The tables and shelves have been loaded for you + With volumes of pictures--they're pretty ones, too-- + Of birds, beasts, and fishes, and old Mother Goose + Repines in a corner and feels like the deuce, + While you, on the floor, quite contentedly look + At page after page of the telephone book. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +RIDDLES + + + If it's fun to take books from the bookcase, + If you really believe it's worth while + To carry them out to the kitchen + And build them all up in a pile, + Why isn't it just as agreeable then + To carry them back to the bookcase again? + + If it's fun to make marks with a pencil + In books that one cares for a heap; + To tear out the pages from volumes + One likes and is anxious to keep, + Why isn't it pleasure to put on the hummer + A magazine read and discarded last summer? + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +HESITATION + + + I've orders to waken you from your nap, + And orders are orders, my little chap. + But I hate to do it, because it seems + A shame to break in on your blissful dreams. + + I've sat and watched you a long, long while, + And not since I came have you ceased to smile. + So it strikes me as wrong to arouse you, boy, + From sleep that's so plainly a sleep of joy. + + 'Twill make a big diff'rence tonight, of course, + But p'rhaps you are riding a real live horse; + In dreams, it's a pleasant and harmless sport, + So why should I cruelly cut it short? + + Maybe you have for your very own + A piece of pie or an ice cream cone; + If that's your amusement, why end it quick? + Dream-food can't possibly make you sick. + + Orders are orders and I'm afraid + It's trouble for me if they're disobeyed. + But I'll bet if the boss could see you, son, + She'd put off the duty, as I have done. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +HIS WONDERFUL CHOO-CHOOS + + + When I see his wonderful choo-choo trains, + Which he daily builds with infinite pains, + Whose cars are a crazy and curious lot-- + A doll, a picture, a pepper pot, + A hat, a pillow, a horse, a book, + A pote, a mintie, a button hook, + A bag of tobacco, a piece of string, + A pair of wubbas, a bodkin ring, + A deck of twos and a paper box, + A brush, a comb and a lot of blocks-- + When I first gaze on his wonderful trains, + Which he daily builds with infinite pains, + I laugh, and I think to myself, "O gee! + Was ever a child as cute as he?" + + But when he's gone to his cozy nest, + From the toil of his strenuous day to rest, + And when I gaze on his trains once more, + Where they lie, abandoned, across the floor, + And when the terrible task I face + Of putting each "Pullman" back in its place, + I groan a little, and think, "O gee! + Was ever a child as mean as he?" + + +GLOSSARY + + Bodkin--A napkin + Mintie--A mitten. + Pote--A pencil. + Twos--Cards. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +COUSINLY AFFECTION + + + Why do you love your Cousin Paull? + For his sweet face, his smile, and all + The little tricks that charm us so? + You're not quite old enough to know + How cute he is; to realize + How clever for a child his size. + I'm sure you can't appreciate + The things that make us think him great. + + And yet you love your Cousin Paull. + Is it because he's twice as small + As you, just right for you to maul? + Because he won't fight back, or bawl? + Because when he is pushed he'll fall? + And, where most kids would howl and squall, + He takes it, nor puts in a call + For mother? Am I warm at all? + Is this why you love Cousin Paull? + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +MY BABY'S GARDEN + + + My baby has a garden, + "Planted" four days ago, + And nearly half his waking hours + He spends among his precious flowers + With sprinkling can and hoe. + + My baby has a garden, + And Oh, how proud he is + When, yielding to his pleading, we + Lay work aside and go to see + This masterpiece of his! + + Behold my baby's garden, + Close by a rubbish pile! + Look at the sprinkling can and hoe + And flowers; then tell me if you know + Whether to sigh or smile. + + The flowers in baby's garden, + Flat on the ground they lie, + Two hyacinths, a withered pair, + Plucked from the pile of rubbish, where + They had been left to die. + + The flowers in baby's garden, + "Planted" four days ago, + Grow every hour a sadder sight, + Weaker and sicklier, in spite + Of sprinkling can and hoe. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +DECISION REVERSED + + + When I mixed with the shoppers and fought in vain + To get what I sought, in the Christmas rush; + When they stood on my toes in the crowded train, + Or dented my ribs in the sidewalk crush, + I dropped my manners and snarled and swore, + And thought: "It's a bothersome, beastly bore!" + + But when, at the Christmas dawn, they brought + My kid to the room where his things were piled, + And when, from my vantage point, I caught + The look on his face, I murmured: "Child, + Your dad was a fool when he snarled and swore, + And called it a bothersome, beastly bore." + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BEAR + + + He was weary of all of his usual joys; + His books and his blocks made him tired, + And so did his games and mechanical toys, + And the songs he had always admired; + So I told him a story, a story so new + It had never been heard anywhere; + A tale disconnected, unlikely, untrue, + Called The Grocery Man and the Bear. + + I didn't think much of the story despite + The fact 'twas a child of my brain. + And I never dreamt, when I told it that night, + That I'd have to tell it again; + I never imagined 'twould make such a hit + With the audience of one that was there + That for hours at a time he would quietly sit + Through The Grocery Man and the Bear. + + To all other stories, this one is preferred; + It's the season's best seller by far, + And out at our house it's as frequently heard + As cuss-words in Mexico are. + When choo-choos and horses and picture books fail, + He'll remain, quite content, in his chair, + While I tell o'er and o'er the incredible tale + Of The Grocery Man and the Bear. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +COMING HOME + + + Prepare for noise, you quiet walls! + You floors, get set for heavy falls! + Frail dishes, hide away! + Get ready for some scratches, stairs! + Clean table linen, say your prayers! + The kid comes home today! + + For three long weeks you've been, O House, + As noiseless as the well-known mouse, + As silent as the tomb. + And you've stayed neat, with none on hand + To track your floors with mud and sand, + To muss your ev'ry room. + + The ideal place for work you've been, + But soon a Bedlam once again, + A mess, a wreck. But say, + I wonder will it make us mad. + No, House, I'll bet we both are glad + The kid comes home today. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +HIS IMAGINATION + + + One thing that's yours, my little child + Your poor old dad is simply wild + To own. It's not a book or toy; + It's your imagination, boy. + If I possessed it, what a time + I'd have, nor need to spend a dime! + + I wish that I could get astride + A broom, and have a horse to ride; + Or climb into the swing, and be + A sailor on the deep blue sea, + Or b'lieve a chair a choo-choo train, + Bound anywhere and back again. + + If I could ride as fast and far + On ship or horse, in train or car, + As you, at small expense or none, + If I could have one-half your fun + And do the things that you do, free, + I'd give them back my salary. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +HIS MEMORY + + + Besides my little son's imagination, + Another thing he has appeals to me + And agitates my envious admiration-- + It's his accommodating memory. + + An instant after some unlucky stumble + Has floored him and induced a howl of pain, + He's clean forgotten all about his tumble + And violently sets out to romp again. + + But if, when I leave home, I say that maybe + I'll get him something nice while I'm away, + It's very safe to bet that Mr. Baby + Will not forget, though I be gone all day. + + Ah, would I might lose sight of things unpleasant: + The bills I owe; the work I haven't done. + And only think of future joys and present, + Like the approaching payday, and my son. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +CONFESSION + + + A sleuth like Pinkerton or Burns + Is told that there has been a crime. + He runs down clues and leads, and learns + Who did the deed, in course of time. + It's just the other way with me: + The first thing I am sure of is + The criminal's identity, + And then I learn what crime was his. + + When Son comes up with hanging head + And smiles a certain kind of smile, + When he's affectionate instead + Of playful; when he stalls awhile + And starts to speak and stops again, + Or, squirming like a mouse that's caught, + Asserts, "I am a GOOD boy," then + I look to see what harm's been wrought. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +HIS LADY FRIEND + + + Who is Sylvia? What is she + That early every morning + You desert your family + And rush to see her, scorning + Your once cherished ma and me? + + Are her playthings such a treat? + I will steal 'em from her; + Better that than not to meet + My son and heir all summer, + Save when he comes home to eat. + + Or is she herself the one + And only real attraction? + Has your little heart begun + To get that sort of action? + Better wait a few years, son. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE + + + "MYSELF!" It means that you don't care + To have me lift you in your chair; + That if I do, you'll rage and tear. + + "MYSELF!" It means you don't require + Assistance from your willing sire + In eating; 'twill but rouse your ire. + + "MYSELF!" It means when you are through + That you don't want your daddy to + Unseat you, as he used to do. + + Time was, and not so long ago, + When you were carried to and fro + And waited on, but now? No! No! + + You'd rather fall and break your head, + Or fill your lap with cream and bread + Than be helped up or down, or fed. + + Well, kid, I hope you'll stay that way + And that there'll never come a day + When you're without the strength to say, + "MYSELF!" + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE ETERNAL GREETING + + + What is the welcoming word I hear + When I reach home at the close of day? + "Glad you are with us, daddy, dear?" + Something I'd like to hear you say? + No, it is this, invariably: + "Daddy, what have you got for me?" + + "Deep affection," I might reply; + What would it profit if I did? + I might answer: "The price to buy + Clothes and edibles for you, kid." + You would repeat, insistently: + "Daddy, what have you got for me?" + + Isn't my Self enough for you? + Doesn't my Presence satisfy? + No, that spelling would never do; + You want Presents, a new supply, + When you inquire so eagerly: + "Daddy, what have you got for me?" + + 'Twould be much nicer and cheaper, son, + If I were welcome without a toy, + But as I'm not, I must purchase one + And take my reward from your look of joy + When you open the bundle and cry: "O, see! + See what daddy has got for me!" + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +GUESS AGAIN + + + "I guess I'll help you, daddy." + And daddy can't say "No;" + For if he did, 'twould wound you, kid, + And cause the tears to flow. + + "I guess I'll help you, daddy." + And daddy says: "All right," + And tries to do, ignoring you, + Whatever work's in sight. + + But what's the use of trying? + As well be reconciled + To quit and play the game that may + Be pleasing to you, child. + + To quit and play, or roughhouse, + Or read, as you elect; + For I'm afraid the guess you made + Was wholly incorrect. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +NEARLY A SINECURE + + + "I'm going to the office." + So says my youngster, and + Gets on the train to take him there + (The train's the sofa or a chair, + Whichever's near at hand.) + + "Now I am to the office. + I'm working now," says he, + And just continues standing there + On that same lounge or that same chair, + As idle as can be. + + Perhaps four seconds after + He first got on his train, + I see him getting off once more. + He steps or falls onto the floor + And says, "I'm home again." + + I don't know what they pay him, + Nor where the office is. + The nature of the boy's posish + I've never learned--but how I wish + I had that job of his! + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE HECKUSES + + + That may not be the proper way + To spell their name; I cannot say. + I've never seen 'em written out: + I've only heard 'em talked about. + They're coming here tonight to dine, + So says that little son of mine. + But all last week, 'twas just the same; + They were to come, and never came. + + And I'm just skeptical enough + To think they're all a myth, a bluff; + Mere creatures of my youngster's brain, + Whose coming he'll await in vain. + And yet to him they're very real. + They own a big black auto'bile. + They work downtown, and they'll arrive + Out here at one-two-three-four-five. + + The Heckuses are four all told. + There's Mrs. H. who's very old, + And Baby Heckus, and a lad + Named Tom, and Bill, the Heckus dad. + Beyond this point I can't describe + The fascinating Heckus tribe. + I can but wonder how he came + To think of such a lovely name. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +HIS FAVORITE ROLE + + + You could be president as well as not, + Since all you'd have to do is think you were, + With that imagination that you've got; + Or multimillionaire if you prefer, + Or you could be some famous football star, + Or Tyrus Cobb, admired by ev'ry fan; + Instead of that, you tell me that you are + The Garbage Man. + + Why pick him out, when you can take your choice? + Is his so charming, nice, and sweet a role + That acting it should make you to rejoice + And be a source of comfort to your soul? + Is there some hidden happiness that he + Uncovers in his march from can to can + That you above all else should want to be + The Garbage Man? + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE PATHS OF RASHNESS + + + Up to the sky the birdman flew + And looped some loops that were bold and new. + The people marvelled at nerve so great + And gasped or cheered as he tempted fate, + More daring each day than the day before, + Till the birdman fell and arose no more. + + The bandit bragged of his daylight crimes + And said: "I'm the wonder of modern times." + Bolder and bolder his thefts became, + And the people shook when they heard his name. + He boasted: "I'm one that they'll never get." + But he jollied himself into Joliet. + + Well, son, I suppose you would be admired + For the valorous habit that you've acquired + Of rushing at each little girl you meet + And hugging her tight in the public street. + But the day will come, I have not a doubt, + When you'll stagger home with an eye scratched out. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE NEW PLAYTHING + + + I wonder what your thought will be + And what you'll say and do, sir, + When you come home again and see + What Daddy's got for you, sir. + + I wonder if you'll like it, boy, + Or turn away disgusted + (You've often scorned a nice, new toy + For one that's old and busted.) + + I wonder if you'll laugh, or cry + And run in fright to mother, + Or just act bored to death, when I + Show you your brand new brother. + +[Illustration] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Bib Ballads, by Ring W. 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