diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-8.txt | 1922 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 37856 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 2671762 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/25685-h.htm | 2293 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-0001-th.png | bin | 0 -> 81953 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-0001.png | bin | 0 -> 105948 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-0002-th.png | bin | 0 -> 84750 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-0002.png | bin | 0 -> 140372 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-0003-th.png | bin | 0 -> 35412 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-0003.png | bin | 0 -> 61158 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-001-th.png | bin | 0 -> 61691 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-001.png | bin | 0 -> 105870 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-002-th.png | bin | 0 -> 46851 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-002.png | bin | 0 -> 191388 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-003-th.png | bin | 0 -> 42283 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-003.png | bin | 0 -> 92321 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-004-th.png | bin | 0 -> 24288 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-004.png | bin | 0 -> 45237 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-005a-th.png | bin | 0 -> 30826 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-005a.png | bin | 0 -> 69931 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-005b-th.png | bin | 0 -> 14914 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-005b.png | bin | 0 -> 21765 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-005c-th.png | bin | 0 -> 17095 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-005c.png | bin | 0 -> 28613 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-006-th.png | bin | 0 -> 79215 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-006.png | bin | 0 -> 152106 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-007-th.png | bin | 0 -> 246260 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-007.png | bin | 0 -> 219524 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-009-th.png | bin | 0 -> 22826 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-009.png | bin | 0 -> 43400 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-010-th.png | bin | 0 -> 77177 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-010.png | bin | 0 -> 149404 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-011-th.png | bin | 0 -> 82598 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-011.png | bin | 0 -> 159983 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-012-th.png | bin | 0 -> 29889 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-h/images/ill-012.png | bin | 0 -> 58714 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/f0001.png | bin | 0 -> 148313 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/f0002.png | bin | 0 -> 288320 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/f0003.png | bin | 0 -> 210014 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0001.png | bin | 0 -> 342497 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0002.png | bin | 0 -> 286049 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0003.png | bin | 0 -> 339752 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0004.png | bin | 0 -> 290430 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0005.png | bin | 0 -> 324128 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0006.png | bin | 0 -> 326581 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0007.png | bin | 0 -> 287126 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0008.png | bin | 0 -> 5869 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0009.png | bin | 0 -> 280091 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0010.png | bin | 0 -> 361080 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0011.png | bin | 0 -> 358839 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685-page-images/p0012.png | bin | 0 -> 352644 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685.txt | 1922 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 25685.zip | bin | 0 -> 37813 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
56 files changed, 6153 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/25685-8.txt b/25685-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd7a22f --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1922 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 98, +January 4, 1890, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 98, January 4, 1890 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: June 3, 2008 [eBook #25685] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI +VOLUME 98, JANUARY 4, 1890*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, V. L. Simpson, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 25685-h.htm or 25685-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/5/6/8/25685/25685-h/25685-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/5/6/8/25685/25685-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 98 + +JANUARY 4, 1890 + +[Illustration: PUNCH +VOL 98] + + + + + + + + +London: +Published at the Office, 85, Fleet Street, +and Sold by All Booksellers. +1890. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Preface] + +It was a Midsummer Night, and Mr. PUNCH in his _sanctum_ dreamed a +Dream! To adapt the Laureate's lay:-- + + He read, before his eyelids dropt their shade, + The _Lusiads_ of CAMOENS, long ago + Sung by the Lusitanian bard, who made + Great GAMA'S glories glow. + +It was the wondrous tale of STANLEY which had turned the Sage's +attention to the pages of the great Epic of Commerce. + +He had read:-- + + "Afric behold! alas, what altered view! + Her lands uncultured, and her sons untrue; + Ungraced with all that sweetens human life, + Savage and fierce, they roam in brutal strife; + Eager they grasp the gifts which culture yields, + Yet naked roam their own neglected fields." + +And though even Africa has considerably changed since the year of grace +1497, when "daring GAMA" went "incessant labouring round the stormy +Cape," Mr. PUNCH thought of that great gloom-shrouded Equatorial Forest +and its secular savage dwarf-denizens, and mused how much there was yet +for our modern GAMAS to do in the Dark Continent. + +Mr. PUNCH found himself in the lovely "Isle of Venus," the delicious +floral Paradise which the Queen of Love, "the guardian goddess of the +Lusian race," created "amid the bosom of the watery waste," as "a place +of glad repast and sweet repose," for the tired home-returning GAMA and +his companions. + +"Of 'glad repast,'" said a familiar voice, "there is plenty and to +spare; but for the 'sweet repose,' 'tis not to be found in this 'Isle of +Banqueting.'" + +"Mr. STANLEY, I presume?" said the Sage. + +"You _cannot_ presume," rejoined H. M. neatly. "But some of these +gregarious dinner-givers _do_, and sometimes,--yes, sometimes I'm afraid +I let them see that I'm aware of it." + +"As fame-preoccupied, country-loving GAMA, wearied of the 'feasts, +interludes, and chivalrous entertainments,' with which 'the taste of +that age demonstrated the joy of Portugal,' might perchance have snubbed +some too importunate Don. 'The compliments of the Court and the shouts +of the streets were irksome to him,' says the chronicle." + +"SALISBURY is not quite a Prince HENRY apparently," remarked the modern +GAMA. "He and his father JOHN did not find the discoveries and +acquisitions of their heroic compatriot 'embarrassing.' 'The arts and +valour of the Portuguese had now made a great impression on the minds of +the Africans. The King of CONGO, a dominion of great extent, sent the +sons of some of his principal officers to be instructed in arts and +religion.' This was four hundred years ago! And now the Portuguese can +be safely snubbed and sat upon, even by a SALISBURY! But if your prudent +Premier doesn't 'stiffen his back' a bit, with regard to the tougher and +tentative Teuton, 'the arts and valour' of the Britishers will not make +as great an impression on the minds of the Africans as your ill-used +East African Company could desire." + +"Don't be _too_ downhearted, HENRY," smiled the Sage. "Much dining-out +doth breed dyspepsia, and atrabilious views are apt to be a _leetle_ +lop-sided." + +"Right, _Mr. Punch!_" said a musical but somewhat mournful voice, that +of the great but ill-starred LUIS DE CAMOENS himself. "I wrote much of +my _Lusiadas_ in Africa. + + "'One hand the pen, and one the sword employed.' + +"_My_ reward was banishment, imprisonment, poverty, neglect, and a +miserable death in an almshouse. 'Soon after, however,' says the record, +'many epitaphs honoured his memory: the greatness of his merit was +universally confessed, and his _Lusiad_ was translated into various +languages.' 'The whirligig of time brings its revenges,' as your own +illustrious Singer saith. How think you myself and my friend VASCO de +GAMA here look upon the fallen state of our beloved native land? In vain +he ventured for her. In vain I warningly sang:-- + + "'Chill'd by my nation's cold neglect, thy fires + Glow bold no more, and all thy rage expires. + Shall haughty Gaul or sterner Albion boast + That all the Lusian fame in thee is lost!'" + +Mr. PUNCH bowed low to the illustrious Poet and the indomitable +Explorer. "Greatness," said he, courteously, "claims reverence, and +misfortune respect. Your countrymen, Gentlemen, have been rather angry +with me of late. But 'sterner Albion' may be proud indeed if she +produces such men as GAMA to perform heroic deeds, and such poets as +CAMOENS to sing them." The stately Shades saluted. "I wonder," said +GAMA, "who will be the Laureate of the later Ulysses, and which of your +singers will write the _Epic of Africa?_" + +"I fear," said Mr. PUNCH, "that at present they are too busy smiting the +Socialistic big drum, or tickling their sonorous native tongue into +tinkling triolets. In this Island of Venus----" + +"I beg pardon," interrupted STANLEY, with a sardonic smile. "This Island +of _Menus_, you mean, Mr. PUNCH!" + +Mr. PUNCH looked around. The Acidalian roses and myrtles, the purple +lotos and the snowy thorn, the yellow pod-flowers and the waving palms, +the vermeil apples and the primrosed banks, of CAMOENS' somewhat +zone-confounding vision, had indeed vanished, and in their stead seemed +to wave snowy _serviettes_, to flow champagne-streams, to glitter +goblets, and to glow orchid-laden _épergnes_. + +"Humph!" said the Sage. "The prose of the _Restaurateur_--which by the +way sounds as if I were alluding to the literature of the +Restauration,--hath insensibly superseded the poesy of the peerless +Portuguese. Well, Gentlemen, in vain may 'sterner Albion' glory in the +profusion of wealth and the pomp of 'glad repast,' unless also she +breeds heroes to adventure and poets to celebrate. As you sang, my +CAMOENS-- + + "'The King or hero to the Muse unjust, + Sinks as the nameless slave, extinct in dust.' + +"For the present, STANLEY'S arm and Mr. PUNCH'S pen suffice to save the +State from such abasement. But let our timid Premiers and our +temporising Press remember the glories of GAMA and CAMOENS, and the fate +of ungrateful and indolent Lusitania!" + +"The Pen of Mr. PUNCH!" cried CAMOENS. "Ah, long have the valiant VASCO +and myself desired to peruse its sparkling and patriotic outpourings.". + +"And you, my STANLEY," proceeded Mr. PUNCH, "said to the banqueting +Fishmongers, 'I am an omnivorous reader whenever an opportunity presents +itself.' It presents itself here and now. Take, Illustrious Trio, the +greatest gift that even PUNCH can bestow upon you, to wit his + +"Ninety-Eighth Volume!" + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE. + +FOURTH ENTRY. + +Have for a considerable time past been "eating dinners," preparatory to +being "called" to the Bar. Understand now what people mean when they +talk of a "_Digest_ of the Law." + +Find myself (on dining for the first time this Term) in a mess with a +highly-intelligent native of India, another man up from Oxford, and an +African law-student. Latter black and curly, but good-natured. Says +there is a great demand for English-made barristers on the Gambia, and +he's going to supply the demand. + +Have wild and momentary idea of going to the Gambia myself. + +"Why," I ask this enterprising negro, "why don't English +barristers--white ones, I mean--go and practise there?" Feel that +reference to colour is not felicitous; still, difficult to express the +idea otherwise. + +African doesn't mind. Shows all his teeth in a broad grin, and says, +"Inglis men die, die like flies, on the Gambia." + +Curious to see the Hindoo law-student looking contemptuously at African +ditto. Hindoo a shrewd fellow. Talks English perfectly. Rather given to +gesticulate. Waves his arms, and incidentally knocks over a bottle of +the claret--at twelve shillings a dozen--which the Inn kindly supplies +to wash down the mutton and baked potatoes at our two-shilling meal. +Hindoo laughs. Tells me, confidentially, that he has practised as a +"Vakeel" (whatever that is) in some small country town in Bengal. Why +has he come over here? Oh, to be called. Will get more work and more +pay, when a full-fledged barrister. Gather that there are rival +"Vakeels" in Bengal whom he wants to cut out. He intends "cutting +out"--to India--directly he _is_ called. + +Oxford man tells me in a whisper that "he believes he's a Baboo." +Indeed! Don't feel much wiser for the information. + +African getting jealous of Baboo's fluent talk. Rather a sportive negro, +it appears. Says he goes to theatre nearly every night. Has a regular +and rather festive programme for each day. + +"Lecture, morning," he says; "afternoon, walk in Park, sometimes ride. +Night, theatre or music-hall." He grins like an amiable gargoyle. In his +own country African law-student must be quite a lady-killer--a sort of +Gambia masher. + +Incidentally mention to Hindoo difficulty of law of Real Property, +especially "Rule in SHELLEY'S Case." + +It seems Hindoo understands matter perfectly. Begins to explain the +"Rule in SHELLEY'S Case." Does it by aid of two salt-cellars (to +represent the parties) and a few knives (to represent collateral +relatives). + +African masher more jealous. Laughs at Baboo's explanation. He and Baboo +exchange glances of hatred. African, who is carving, brandishes knife. +Is he going to plunge it into heart of Baboo just as he's got through +his explanation? Looks like it, as the shilling claret seems to have got +into place where we may suppose African's brain to be. However, dinner +ends without a catastrophe. + +After attending the usual amount of legal lectures, the "Final" Exam. +approaches. + +Get through the papers pretty well. Thank goodness, no question asked so +far about that "Rule in SHELLEY'S Case," which is my "_Pons Asinorum_!" +It's a "rule" to which I take great exception. + +There's a "_Vivâ Voce_" to come, however. Hate _vivâ voce._ Two +examiners sit at end of Hall--students called up in batches of +half-a-dozen at a time. Very nervous work. Find, when my turn comes, +that the intelligent Baboo is in the same lot! Appears to like the +position. From his manner I should judge that he'd been doing nothing +all his life but being examined by fifties in a cave, like this. + +Examiner who tackles me has an eye-glass. + +"Now, Mr. JOYNSON," he remarks, putting it up to survey me better, "if +you were a trustee, &c., &c., _what would you do?_" + +Flattered at the supposition. Answer in a way which seems to partly +satisfy Examiner, who passes on to next man with a new question. In a +minute or two my turn comes round again. + +"Now, Mr. JOYNSON," Examiner again observes cheerfully, "let me ask you +quite an elementary question in Real Property. Just give me a brief, a +very brief, explanation of what you understand by the Rule in SHELLEY'S +Case!" + +But I don't understand anything by it! It's a piece of hopeless legal +gibberish to me. I stammer out some attempt at an answer, and see Baboo +looking at me with a pitying, almost reproachful, glance. "Didn't I," he +seems to say, "explain it all to you once at dinner? Do you really mean +to say that you've forgotten the way in which I arranged the +salt-cellars and the table-knives, and how I turned the whole case +inside out for your benefit?" + +I admit the offence. Examiner seems surprised at my ignorance--informs +me that "it's as easy as A.B.C." It may be--to him and the Baboo. + +Baboo, being asked the same question, at once explains the whole matter, +this time without the aid of the salt-cellars and cutlery. + +A few days later go to look at result of examination. Result, for me--a +Plough! + +Walking away dejectedly--("homeward the Plough-man wends his legal +way"--as GRAY sympathetically put it)--meet African law-student, who +grins insanely. _He_ doesn't sympathise in my defeat. Shows his fine set +of ivories and says:-- + +"Me failed too. Me go back Gambia. You come back with me!" + +Tell him I'm not "called" yet: certainly not called to Gambia. + +"Then come to Alhambra!" he suggests, as a sort of alternative to a +visit to the tropics. + +African student evidently still a masher. Decline his invitation with +thanks. Wouldn't be seen with him at a theatre for worlds! Depressed. +Don't even look in at Gaiety Bar. No Gaiety for _me_--and no "Bar" +either, it seems. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOME NEW YEAR'S PROBLEMS.] + + * * * * * + +THE BUSY (J.) B. + +(_Not by Dr. Watts._) + + How doth the busy Jerry Builder + Improve his shining hoard, + And gather money, basely earned, + From every opening Board! + + How skilfully he scamps his "shells"! + How deftly spreads his sludge! + And labours to defend his sells + By special-pleading fudge! + + With what serene, well-practised skill, + He "squares" Surveyors too! + For Jobbery finds some baseness still + For venal hands to do. + + Whether for work or healthful play + His buildings will not last. + May he be called some day, some day, + To strict account at last! + + * * * * * + +PARLIAMENTARY INTELLIGENCE.--According to the announcement in the +_Gazette_, the SPEAKER will take the Chair in the House of Commons on +Tuesday, the 11th of February, when the new Session opens. But, as a +matter of fact, _The Speaker_ will be on the book-stalls on Saturday +next, the 4th of January, entering upon what promises to be a useful and +prolonged Session. Thereafter _The Speaker_ will take the book-stall +once a week regularly, there being Saturday sittings throughout the +year. _The Speaker_ will, of course, be on the side of Law and "Order! +Order!" + + * * * * * + +A BALLAD OF EVIL SPEED. + +_A Cool Collation of Several Bards._ + + I would I had not met you, Sweet, + I wish you had been far away + From where, in Upper Wimpole Street, + We two foregather'd yesterday. + Somewhere in that unlovely street + Summer's lost beauty, hid away, + Woke at the music of your feet, + And sought the little girl in grey. + Around your head the sunbeams play-- + Home to the depths of your deep eyes + Soft shadows of the woodland stray, + Then sparkle with a quick surprise, + As when the branch-entangled skies + Shake from the depths of woodland stream, + Awhile in laughing circles gleam, + Then spread to heaven's peace again. + Amber and gold, and feathery grey, + You suited well the Autumn day, + The muffled sun, the misty air, + The weather like a sleepy pear. + And yet I wish that you had been + Afar, beside the sounding main, + Or swaying daintily the rein + Of mettled courser on the green, + So I had passed, and passed unseen. + + For I arose, from dreams of thee, + So late that morn, my matin tea + Was cold as mutton two days cooked; + As in the looking-glass I looked, + Methought the razor need not wreak + Its wonted vengeance on my cheek, + Nor clear the shadow from my chin + Till to the City I had been. + Thus, horrid with a nascent beard, + By chance through Wimpole Street I steered, + Trusting therein to shun contempt + Of who abhor a man unkempt. + For like a mother-bird, who's caught + The cant of modern woman's thought, + My restless tie refused to sit, + And restless fingers vainly sought + To soothe the silkworm's stubborn toil. + But only did its candour soil, + And suffered none the less from it. + For all my neck, and head no less, + Owned to a vague unquietness, + As when the vagrant spiderlet + Has spread at large her filmy net + To catch the moonbeams, wavering white, + At the front gate on Autumn night. + + Then suddenly the sombre way + Rock'd like the darkness struck by day, + The endless houses reel'd from sight, + And all romance and all delight + Came thronging in a glorious crowd. + So, when the drums are beating loud, + The mob comes sweeping down the Mall, + Far heralding the bear-skins tall. + Glorious in golden clothing comes + The great drum-major with his drums + And sun-smit brass of trumpets; then + The scarlet wall of marching men, + Midmost of which great Mavors sets + The colours girt with bayonets. + Yes, there were you--and there was I, + Unshaved, and with erratic tie, + And for that once I yearn'd to shun + My social system's central sun. + How could a sloven slave express + The frank, the manly tenderness + That wraps you round from common thought, + And does not ask that you should know + The love that consecrates you so. + No; furtive, awkward, restless, cold, + I basely seemed to set at naught + That sudden bliss, undreamt, unsought. + What must she think, my girl of gold? + I dare not ask; and baffled wit + Droops--till sweet hopes begin to flit-- + Like butterflies that brave the cold-- + Perhaps she didn't notice it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STUDIES IN REPARTEE. + +_She._ "HOW SILENT YOU ARE! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF?" + +_He._ "_NOTHING!_" + +_She._ "EGOTIST!"] + + * * * * * + +"JUST TO OBLIGE BENSON." + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--It was not a very happy thought to send me to the Globe +Theatre at this festive season of the year to witness the representation +of a piece, called by the management, for some reason or other, "a +_faërie_ comedy." Now, I like a Burlesque, and I am fond of a Pantomime, +but a mixture of blank verse and tom-foolery is rather too much for me, +especially when that mixture is not redeemed by a plot of any interest. +Nothing can be more absurd than the story (save the mark!) told in this +particularly uninteresting play. It appears that a "Duke!" of Athens +married the Queen of the Amazons, and during the nuptial rejoicings +ordered the daughter of one of his subjects to "die the death" unless +she transferred her affections from her own true love to a gentleman of +her father's choice. The gentleman of her father's choice was beloved in +his turn by a school friend of his would-not-be betrothed, and the play +which lasted from eight until nearly midnight, was devoted to setting +this simple (in more senses than one) _imbroglio_ right. By a clumsy +device, _Oberon_ King of the Fairies bewitched the two pairs of lovers +during their sleep in a wood, so that one lady had two admirers and the +other none. All that was needed to bring the piece to a conclusion was +to have another exercise of magic when the couples paired off, of +course, in a manner calculated to give satisfaction to their friends and +relations. This was the entire plot. There was now and again some +attempts to turn amateur theatricals into feeble ridicule by the +introduction of a party of village histrions, who were allowed to +"clown" to their heart's content; and _voilà tout_! + +The mounting is excellent. Nothing better than "a Wood near Athens," +painted by Mr. HEMSLEY, has been seen since Professor HERKOMER startled +the world with his representation of village life at Bushey. The music, +too (chiefly from the works of MENDELSSOHN), is always charming, and +frequently appropriate. Moreover, Mr. BENSON, no doubt feeling that his +author required every possible support, has introduced a number of +pretty dances, executed by comely maidens of ages varying from seven to +(say) seven-and-twenty. + +Of course, such a play required very ordinary acting. Mr. BENSON was, on +the whole, a gentlemanly _Lysander_, Mr. OTHO STUART a dignified +_Oberon_, and Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS quite the best of the village +histrions. Miss GRACE GERALDINE was also fanciful in the _rôle_ of a +sort of gnome. But, allowing for the music, and the scenery, and the +acting, the piece itself was unquestionably dull. And now, having given +you my unbiassed opinion, I beg to sign myself, + + YOUR UNPREJUDICED CONTRIBUTOR. + +P.S.--I am told that the author of _A Midsummer's Dream_ wrote a number +of other plays of considerable merit. This I challenge, the more +especially as those who swear by Mr. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE candidly admit +that his name is a deterrent rather than an attraction on a play-bill. + + * * * * * + + 1890 ALMANACK FOR FUNNY DOGS.--Evidently "Whitty Curs' + Almanack." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. II.--JOE, THE JAM-EATER. + +_A Musical Spectacular and Sensational Interlude._ (_Dedicated +respectfully to Mr. McDougall and the L. C. C._) + +[Illustration] + +The Music-hall Dramatist, like SHAKSPEARE, has a right to take his +material from any source that may seem good to him. _Mr. Punch_, +therefore, makes no secret of the fact, that he has based the following +piece upon the well-known poem of "_The Purloiner_," by the Sisters JANE +and ANN TAYLOR, who were _not_, as might be too hastily concluded, "Song +and Dance Duettists," but two estimable ladies, who composed +"cautionary" verses for the young, and whose works are a perfect mine of +wealth for Moral Dramatists. In this dramatic version the Author has +tried to infuse something of the old Greek sense of an overruling +destiny, without detriment to prevailing ideas of moral responsibility. +Those who have the misfortune to be born with a propensity for illicit +jam, may learn from our Drama the terrible results of failing to +overcome it early in life. + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ + +_Jam-loving Joe._ By that renowned Melodramatic Serio-Comic, Miss CONNIE +CURDLER. + +_Joe's Mother_ (_the very part for_ Mrs. BANCROFT _if she can only be +induced to make her re-appearance_). + +_John, a Gardener._ By the great Pink-eyed Unmusical Zulu. + +_Jim-Jam, the Fermentation Fiend._ By Mr. BEERBOHM TREE (_who has kindly +consented to undertake the part_). + +_Chorus of Plum and Pear Gatherers, from the Savoy_ (_by kind permission +of_ Mr. D'OYLY CARTE). + +SCENE.--_The Store-room at sunset, with view of exterior of Jam +Cupboard, and orchard in distance._ + +_Enter_ JOE. + +"As JOE was at play, Near the cupboard one day, When he thought no one +saw him but himself."--_Vide Poem._ + + _Joe_ (_dreamily_). 'Tis passing strange that I so partial am + To playing in the neighbourhood of Jam! + +[_Here_ Miss CURDLER _will introduce her great humorous Satirical +Medley, illustrative of the Sports of Childhood, and entitled, "Some +Little Gymes we all of us 'ave Plied;" after which, Enter_ JOE'S +_Mother, followed by_ JOHN _and the Chorus, with baskets, ladders, &c., +for gathering fruit._ + +"His Mother and JOHN, To the garden had gone, To gather ripe +pears and ripe plums."--_Poem._ + + _Joe's Mother_ (_with forced cheerfulness_)-- + + Let's hope, my friends, to find our pears and plums, + Unharmed by wopses, and untouched by wums. + +[_Chorus signify assent in the usual manner by holding up the right +hand._ + + _Solo_--JOHN. + + Fruit when gathered ripe, is wholesome-- + Otherwise if eaten green. + Once I knew a boy who stole some-- + [_With a glance at_ JOE, who turns aside to conceal his + confusion. + His internal pangs were keen! + + _Chorus_ (_virtuously_). 'Tis the doom of all who're mean, + Their internal pangs are keen! + +_Joe's Mother_ (_aside_). By what misgivings is a mother + tortured! + I'll keep my eye on JOSEPH in the orchard. + [_She invites him with a gesture to follow._ + + _Joe_ (_earnestly_). Nay, Mother, here I'll stay till you + have done. + Temptation it is ever best to shun! + + _Joe's M._ So laudable his wish, I would not cross it-- + (_Mysteriously._) He knows not there are jam-pots in yon + closet! + + _Chorus._ Away we go tripping, + From boughs to be stripping + Each pear, plum, and pippin + Pomona supplies! + + When homeward we've brought 'em, + Those products of Autumn, + We'll carefully sort 'em + (_One of our old Music-hall rhymes_), + According to size! [_Repeat as they caper out._ + +[JOE'S Mother, _after one fond, lingering look behind, follows: the +voices are heard more and more faintly in the distance. Stage darkens; +the last ray of sunset illumines key of jam-cupboard door._ + + _Joe._ At last I am alone! Suppose I tried + That cupboard--just to see what's kept inside? + [_Seems drawn towards it by some fatal fascination._ + There _might_ be Guava jelly, and a plummy cake, + For such a prize I'd laugh to scorn a stomach-ache! + [_Laughs a stomach-ache to scorn._ + And yet (_hesitating_) who knows?--a pill?... perchance--a powder! + (_Desperately_). What then? To scorn I'll laugh them--even louder! + +[_Fetches chair and unlocks cupboard. Doors fall open with loud clang, +revealing Interior of Jam Closet_ (_painted by_ HAWES CRAVEN). JOE +_mounts chair to explore shelves. Vide poem, "How sorry I am, He ate +raspberry jam, And currants that stood on the shelf!"_ + + _Joe_ (_speaking with mouth full, and back to audience_). + 'Tis raspberry--of all the jams my favourite; + I'll clear the pot, whate'er I have to pay for it! + And finish up with currants from this shelf.... + Who'll ever see me? + + _The Demon of the Jam Closet_ (_rising slowly from an immense pot of + preserves_). None--except Myself! + +[_The cupboard is lit up by an infernal glare_ (_courteously lent by the +Lyceum Management from "Faust" properties_); _weird music;_ JOE _turns +slowly and confronts the Demon with awestruck eyes;_ N.B.--_Great +opportunity for powerful acting here._ + + _The Demon_ (_with a bland sneer_). Pray don't mind _me_--I will await + your leisure. + + _Joe_ (_automatically_). Of your acquaintance, Sir, I've not the + pleasure. + Who _are_ you? Wherefore have you intervened? + + _The Demon_ (_quietly_). My name is "Jim-Jam"; occupation--fiend. + + _Joe_ (_cowering limply on his chair_). O Mr. Fiend, I _know_ it's + very wrong of me! + + _Demon_ (_politely_). Don't mention it--but please to come "along of" + me? + + _Joe_ (_imploringly_). Do let me off this once,--ha! you're relenting, + You smile---- + + _Demon_ (_grimly_). 'Tis nothing but my jam fermenting! + [_Catches_ JOE'S _ankle, and assists him to descend._ + + _Joe._ You'll drive me mad! + + _Demon_ (_carelessly_). I _may_--before I've done with you! + + _Joe._ What do you want? + + _Demon_ (_darkly_). To have a little fun with you! + Of fiendish humour now I'll give a specimen. + +[_Chases him round and round Stage, and proceeds to smear him hideously +with jam._ + + _Joe_ (_piteously_). Oh, don't! I feel _so_ sticky. _What_ a mess + I'm in! + + _Demon_ (_with affected sympathy_). That _is_ the worst of jam--it's + apt to stain you. + [_To_ JOE, _as he frantically endeavours to remove the traces of his + crime._ + I see you're busy--so I'll not detain you! + +[_Vanishes down star-trap with a diabolical laugh. Cupboard-doors close +with a clang; all lights down._ JOE _stands gazing blankly for some +moments, and then drags himself off Stage. His Mother and_ JOHN, _with +Pear- and Plum-gatherers bearing laden baskets, appear at doors at back +of Scene, in faint light of torches._ + +_Re-enter Joe_ (_bearing a candle and wringing his hands_). Out, jammed +spot! What--will these hands _never_ be clean? Here's the smell of the +raspberry jam still! All the powders of Gregory cannot unsweeten this +little hand.... (_Moaning._) Oh, oh, oh! + +[_This passage has been accused of bearing too close a resemblance to +one in a popular Stage Play; if so, the coincidence is purely +accidental, as the Dramatist is not in the habit of reading such profane +literature._ + + _Joe's Mother._ Ah! what an icy dread my heart benumbs! + See--stains on all his fingers, _and_ his thumbs! + +"What JOE was about, His Mother found out, When she look'd at his +fingers and thumbs."--_Poem again._ + + Nay, JOSEPH--'tis your mother ... speak to her! + +_Joe_ (_tonelessly, as before_). Lady, I know you not (_touches lower +part of waistcoat_); but, prithee, undo this button. I think I have jam +in all my veins, and I would fain sleep. When I am gone, lay me in a +plain white jelly-pot, with a parchment cover, and on the label +write----but come nearer, I have a secret for your ear alone ... there +are strange things in some cupboards! Demons should keep in the +dust-bin. (_With a ghastly smile._) I know not what ails me, but I am +not feeling at all well. + +[JOE'S Mother _stands a few steps from him, with her hands twisted in +her hair, and stares at him in speechless terror._ + +_Joe_ (_to the Chorus_). I would shake hands with you all, were not my +fingers so sticky. We eat marmalade, but we know not what it is made of. +Hush! if JIM-JAM comes again, tell him that I am not at home. +Loo-loo-loo! + +_All_ (_with conviction_). Some shock has turned his brine! + +_Joe_ (_sitting down on floor, and weaving straws in his hair_). My +curse upon him that invented jam. Let us all play Tibbits. + +[_Laughs vacantly: all gather round him, shaking their heads, his_ +Mother _falls fainting at his feet, as Curtain falls upon a strong and +moral, though undeniably gloomy dénoûment._ + + * * * * * + +THE SAVOYARDS. + +MESSRS. GILBERT AND SULLIVAN'S _Gondoliers_ deserves to rank immediately +after _The Mikado_ and _Pinafore_ bracketed. The _mise-en-scène_ is in +every way about as perfect as it is possible to be. Every writer of +_libretti_, every dramatist and every composer, must envy the Two +Savoyards, their rare opportunities of putting their own work on their +own stage, and being like the two Kings in this piece, jointly and +equally monarchs of all they survey, though, unlike these two +potentates, they are not their subjects' servants, and have only to +consider what is best for the success of their piece, and to have it +carried out, whatever it is, literally regardless of expense. And what +does their work amount to? Simply a Two-Act Opera, to play +two-hours-and-a-half, for the production of which they have practically +a whole year at their disposal. They can go as near commanding success +as is given to mortal dramatist and composer, and for any comparative +failure they can have no one to blame but themselves, the pair of them. + +[Illustration: "Once upon a time there were two Kings."] + +Whatever the piece may be, it is always a pleasure to see how thoroughly +the old hands at the Savoy enter into "the fun of the thing," and, as in +the case of Miss JESSIE BOND and Mr. RUTLAND BARRINGTON, absolutely +carry the audience with them by sheer exuberance of spirits. + +Mr. RUTLAND BARRINGTON possesses a ready wit and keen appreciation of +humour; and, as this is true also of Miss JESSIE BOND, the couple, being +thoroughly in their element with such parts as _The Gondoliers_ provide +for them, legitimately graft their own fun on the plentiful stock +already supplied by the author, and are literally the life and soul of +the piece. + +On the night I was there a Miss NORAH PHYLLIS took Miss ULMAR'S part of +_Gianetta_, and played it, at short notice, admirably. She struck me as +bearing a marked facial resemblance to Miss FORTESQUE, and is a decided +acquisition. Mr. DENNY, as the Grand Inquisitor (a part that recalls the +Lord High Chancellor of the ex-Savoyard, GEORGE GROSSMITH, now +entertaining "on his own hook"), doesn't seem to be a born Savoyard, +_non nascitur_ and _non fit_ at present. Good he is, of course, but +there's no spontaneity about him. However, for an eccentric comedian +merely to do exactly what he is told, and nothing more, yet to do that, +little or much, well, is a performance that would meet with _Hamlet's_ +approbation, and Mr. GILBERT'S. Mr. FRANK WYATT, as "the new boy" at the +Savoy School, doesn't, as yet, seem quite happy; but it cannot be +expected that he should feel "quite at home," when he has only recently +arrived at a new school. + +Miss BRANDRAM is a thorough Savoyard; _nihil tetigit quod non ornavit_, +and her embroidery of a part which it is fair to suppose was written to +suit her, is done in her own quaint and quiet fashion. + +A fantastically and humorous peculiarly Gilbertian idea is the +comparison between a visit to the dentist's, and an interview with the +questioners by the rack, suggested by the Grand Inquisitor Don ALHAMBRA +who says that the nurse is waiting in the torture-chamber, but that +there is no hurry for him to go and examine her, as she is all right and +"has all the illustrated papers." + +[Illustration: Rutland Pooh-Bah-rington, after signing his +re-engagement, takes his Bond, and sings, "Again we come to the Savoy."] + +There are ever so many good things in the Opera, but the best of all, +for genuinely humorous inspiration of words, music and acting, is the +quartette in the Second Act, "In a contemplative fashion." It is +excellent. Thank goodness, _encores_ are disencouraged, except where +there can be "No possible sort of doubt, No possible doubt whatever" +(also a capital song in this piece) as to the unanimity of the +enthusiasm. There is nothing in the music that catches the ear on a +first hearing as did "_The Three Little Maids_," or "_I've got a Song to +Sing O!_" but it is all charming, and the masterly orchestration in its +fulness and variety is something that the least technically educated can +appreciate and enjoy. The piece is so brilliant to eye and ear, that +there is never a dull moment on the stage or off it. It is just one of +those simple _Bab-Ballady_ stories which, depending for its success not +on any startling surprise in the plot, but on general excellence, may, +especially on account of the music, be safely put down on the +play-goer's list for "a second hearing." + + CHRISTMAS BOX. + +[Illustration: George Grossmith on his own Hook.] + + * * * * * + +RUSSIAN ART. + +From _The Morning Post_, last week, we learn that the Russian Imperial +Academy of Arts, has passed a law prohibiting Jews to become members of +its artistic body. By the Nose of _Mr. Punch_, but this is too bad, and +too bigoted for any century, let alone the "so-called Nineteenth." If +such a rule, or rather such an exception, could have been possible in +England within the last twenty years, what a discouragement it would +have been for all the Royal Academicians, who would thereby _have lost +Hart!_ Dear good old SOLOMON! He was a poor HART that often rejoiced, +and if he was not the best painter in the world, he was just about the +worst punster. We hope to hear that our Royal Academicians, with their +large-hearted and golden-tongued President at their head, will send a +friendly expostulation to their Russian Brothers in oil, and obtain the +abrogation of this unreasonable legislation, which is one effect of an +anti-semitic cyclone, fit only for the _Jew-ventus Mundi_, but not for +the world at its maturity. + + * * * * * + + "DOT AND GO ONE"--no, see _Dot_, and go several times + again to see our JOHNNIE TOOLE at his own Theatre, + before he leaves for the Antipodes. The good old farce + of _Toole in the Pigskin_ is well-mounted, and is, of + course, one of the pieces on which he will rely, as + especially appropriate to Horse-tralia. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRESH TO THE COUNTRY. + +_Young Lady._ "CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE MEET IS?" + +_Butcher's Boy_ (_a recent importation from London_). "YES, MUM. I JIST +TOOK IT HUP TO THE 'ALL THIS MORNIN'!"] + + * * * * * + +THE START. + + Off! Yes; but inexperienced feet, + With pace that's fast and a style that's neat, + At first can scarcely be expected + O'er frozen waters to glide and fleet. + + "_Have them on, Sir?_" Old Time was there, + With the shining steels and the ready chair. + His latest pupil is passing yonder, + No more the ice-locked waters to dare. + + _His_ feet are tired and his knees are stiff, + _His_ breath comes low in a wheezy whiff. + He'll now "lay up," like a worn-out wherry. + 'Tis yours to start like a new-launched skiff. + + How many a novice that Skate-man old + Has helped to onset alert and bold! + How many a veteran worn seen vanish, + Aching with effort and pinched with cold! + + And you, young novice, 'tis now your turn + Your skates to try and your steps to learn. + You long to fly like the skimming swallow, + To brave the breathless "scurry" you burn. + + He knows, he knows, your aged guide! + The screws are fixed, and the straps are tied, + And he looks sharp out for the shambling stagger, + The elbows wobbling, the knees too wide. + + But boyhood's hopeful, and youth has pluck; + And now, when scarcely your steel hath struck + The slithery ice in your first bold venture, + _Punch_, friendly watcher, will wish you luck! + + He too has seen some novices start, + And knows, however you play your part, + The "outside edge," and attendant perils, + Will tax your sinews and test your heart. + + But most on the ice does the old saw hold-- + "Be bold, be bold, but be not _too_ bold!" + Though there's many a rotten patch marked "Danger!" + Young hearts are warm if the weather be cold. + + Bravo, youngster! Steady! Strike out! + Caution, yes, but not palsying doubt. + Courage! and you--ere your course you finish-- + May beat "Fish" SMART at a flying bout! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S KRISMUS HIM. + + How werry warious is the reasons why + We welcoms Crismus with a ringing cheer! + The Skoolboy nos his hollidays is nigh, + And treats the hale stout Porter to sum Beer. + + The Cook and Ousemaid smiles upon the Baker, + Who takes his little fee without no blush, + Likewise upon the Butcher and Shoo Maker + Who makes their calls dispite the Sno or Slush. + + The Dustman cums a crying out for "Dust," + But nos full well that isn't wot he seeks, + And gits his well-earned shilling with the fust, + And smiles on Mary as his thanks he speaks. + + The Groser smart, as likewise his Green Brother, + In their best close cums with a modest ring, + And having got their orders, one and tother, + Smilingly asks for jest one other thing. + + The Postman's dubbel nock cums to each door, + Whether he has a Letter got or no, + The stingy Master thinks his call a bore, + And gives his paltry shilling werry slow. + + The jowial Waiter shows unwonted joy! + And hails his Crismus with becoming glee! + Knowing full well _his_ plezzurs newer cloy, + Who gets from ewery Gest a dubble fee! + + Why are not all men like the jowial Waiter, + Allers content with what kind Fortune brings, + Whether it's Turtel Soop or a meer tater, + He sets a pattern to Lord Mares and Kings. + + Then let us all while Crismus time we're keeping, + Whether we barsks in fortune's smile or frown, + Be thankful for the harwest we are reaping, + And give a thort to them whose luck is down. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + + HISTORICAL PARALLELS.--Two Directories. The French + _Directoire_ was a short-lived stopgap of not unmixed + benefit to France, but our English Directory, yclept + KELLY'S, for 1890, directorily, or indirectorily, + supplies all our wants, comes always "as a boon and a + blessing to men," and is within a decade of becoming a + hale and hearty centenarian. _Vivat_ KELLY! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE START] + + * * * * * + +UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS. + +"Très volontiers," repartit le démon. + +"Vous aimez les tableaux changeans: je veux vous contenter." + +_Le Diable Boiteux._ + +[Illustration] + +XV. + + Down through the night we drifted slow, the rays + From London's countless gas-jets starred the haze + O'er which we darkly hovered. + Broad loomed the bulk of WREN'S colossal dome + Through the grey mist, which, like a sea of foam, + The sleeping city covered. + + "The year," the Shadow murmured, "nears its close. + Lo! how they swarm in slumber, friends and foes, + Kindred and utter strangers, + The millions of this Babylon, stretched beneath + The shroud of night, and drawing peaceful breath, + Unstirred by dreads and dangers." + + "But not by dreams," I answered, "Canst reveal, + O Shade, the vagrant thoughts that throng and steal + About these countless pillows? + Or are these sleeping souls as shut to thee + As is the unsounded silence of the sea + To those who brave its billows?" + + "Dreams?" smiled the Shadow. "What I see right well + Your eyes may not behold. Yet can I tell + Their import as unravelled + By subtler sense, whilst through these souls they pass! + What said the demon to _Don Cléophas_ + As o'er Madrid they travelled? + + "Such dreams as haunt us near the glimmering morn + Shadow forth truth; these through the Gates of Horn + Find passage to the sleeper. + Prophetic? Nay! But sense therein may read + The heart's desire, in pangs of love or greed; + What divination deeper? + + "Yon Statesman, struggling in the nightmare's grip, + Fears he has let Time's scanty forelock slip, + And lost a great occasion + Of self-advancement. How that mouth's a-writhe + With hate, on platforms oft so blandly blithe + In golden-tongued persuasion! + + "He, blindly blundering, as through baffling mist, + Is a professional philanthropist, + Rosy-gilled, genial, hearty. + A mouthing Friend of Man. He dreams he's deep + In jungles of self-interest, where creep + Sleuth-hounds of creed and party. + + "That sleek-browed sleeper? 'Tis the Great Pooh-pooh, + The 'Mugwump' of the _Weekly Whillaloo_, + A most superior creature; + Too high for pity and too cold for wrath; + The pride of dawdlers on the Higher Path + Suffuses every feature. + + "Contemptuous, he, of clamorous party strife, + And all the hot activities of life; + But most the Politician + He mocks--for 'meanness.' How the prig would gasp + If shown the slime-trail of that wriggling asp + In his own haunts Elysian! + + "He dreams Creation, cleared of vulgar noise, + Is dedicate to calm æsthetic joys, + That he is limply lolling + Amidst the lilies that toil not nor spin, + Given quite to dandy scorn, and dainty sin, + And languor, and 'log-rolling.' + + "The head which on that lace-trimmed pillow lies + Is fair as Psyche's. Yes, those snow-veiled eyes + Look Dian-pure and saintly. + Sure no Aholibah could own those lips, + Through whose soft lusciousness the bland breath slips + So fragrantly and faintly. + + "That up-curved arm which bears the silken knot + Of dusky hair, is it more free from blot + Than is her soul who slumbers? + Her visions? Of 'desirable young men,' + Who crowd round her like swine round Circe's pen + In ever-swelling numbers. + + "Of Love? Nay, but of lovers. Love's a lean + And impecunious urchin; lovers mean + Gifts, worship, triumph--Money! + The Golden Apple is the fruit to witch + Our modern Atalantas. To be rich, + Live on life's milk and honey; + + "Stir crowds, charm royalties,--these are the things + Psyche most cares for, not her radiant wings + Or Cupid's shy caresses. + She dreams of conquests that a world applauds, + Or a Stage-wardrobe with a thousand gauds, + And half-a-hundred dresses. + + "Not so, that other sleeper, stretched at length, + A spectre stripped of charm and shorn of strength, + In yon dismantled chamber. + Dreams she of girlhood's couch, the lavender + Of country sheets, a roof where pigeons whirr + And creamy roses clamber? + + "Of him the red-faced swain whose rounded eyes + Dwelt on her charms in moony ecstacies? + Of pride, of shame, of sorrow? + Nay, of what now seems Nature's crowning good; + Hunger-wrought dreams are hers of food--food--food. + She'll wake from them to-morrow; + + "Wake fiercely famishing, savagely sick, + The animal in man is quick, so quick + To stir and claim full forage. + Let famine parch the hero's pallid lips, + Pinch Beauty's breast, then watch the swift eclipse + Of virtue, sweetness, courage! + + "Cynical? Sense leaves that to callow youth + And callous age; plain picturing of the truth + Seems cynical,--to folly. + Friend, the true cynic is the shallow mime + Who paints humanity devoid of crime, + And life supremely 'jolly,' + + "See such an one, in scented sheets a-loll! + Rich fare and rosy wine have lapped his soul + In a _bon-vivant's_ slumbers. + His pen lies there, the ink is scarcely dry + With which he sketched the smug philosophy + Of Cant and Christmas Numbers. + + "He dreams of--holly, home, exuberant hearts, + Picturesque poverty, the toys and tarts + Of childhood's hope?--No, verily! + 'Tis a dream-world of pleasure, power, and pelf, + Visions of the apocalypse of Self, + O'er which his soul laughs merrily." + + "Enough!" I cried. "The morning's earliest gleams + Will soon dissolve this pageantry of dreams. + The New Year's at our portals. + Unselfishness, and purity, and hope, + Dawn with it through the dream-world's cloudy cope, + Even on slumbering mortals." + + "Granted," the Shadow answered. "Poppy-Land + Is not _all_ Appetite and Humbug bland. + Myriads of night-capped noddles + We must leave unexplored. Their owners oft + Are saints austere, or sympathisers soft, + Truth's types and Virtue's models!" + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +PREPARING TO MEET AN EPIDEMIC.--If you sit all day in your great coat, +muffled up to the eyes in a woollen comforter and with your feet in +constantly replenished mustard and hot water, as you propose, you will +certainly be prepared, when it makes its appearance, to encounter the +attack of the Russian Epidemic Influenza, that you so much dread. Your +idea of taking a dose of some advertised Patent Medicine every other +hour, as a preventive, is by no means a bad one, and your resolution to +shut yourself up in your house, see no friends, open no letters, read no +newspapers, and live entirely on tinned meats for three months, might +possibly secure you from the chances of an attack; but on the whole we +should rather advise you to carry out your plan of leaving the country +altogether and seeking a temporary asylum in South Central Africa until +you are assured that the contagion has blown over, as the preferable +one. Anyhow you might try it. Meanwhile, certainly drench your clothes +with disinfectants, fill your hat with cotton wool steeped in spirits of +camphor, and if you meet any friends in the street, prevent them +addressing you, by keeping them at arm's-length with your walking-stick, +or, better still, if you have it with you, your opened umbrella. They +may or they may not understand your motive, and when they do, though +they may not respect you for your conduct, it is just possible that they +may not seriously resent it. Your precautionary measures, if +scrupulously carried out, should certainly ensure your safety. Put them +in hand at once, and be sure you let us hear from you next Spring +informing us, on the whole, how you have got on. + + * * * * * + + WHAT POCKET-BOOKS TO GET.--Mark us; WARD'S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUNTING HINTS.----HOW TO KEEP THE THING GOING DURING A +SNOW.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE + + THE BARON'S Booking-Office is still decked about with holly, + For the Season that at any rate's conventionally "jolly," + Is by no means wholly over, and the very hard-worked Baron + Feels rather like a sort of tired-out literary Charon, + With an over-laden ferry-boat, and passengers too numerous. + For seasonable "novelties"--and "notions" quaint and humorous + Still crowd on him, and claim his constant critical attention, + Some may escape his notice, but a few more he must mention + MARCUS WARD'S are good as usual, and his "Christmas Cheque Book"'s funny; + Though rather a sardonic "sell" to parties short of money. + CASTELL BROTHERS' Cards are charming, but the words "Printed in Germany," + The patriotic Baron irk, or may he turn a Merman! He + Can't see why pictured prettiness should be beyond _home_-printing. + He doesn't want to dogmatise, but really can't help _hinting!_ + _Scout's Head_, by LANGBRIDGE, boys will like. JEROME K. JEROME'S + _Stage-Land_, + Which BERNARD PARTRIDGE illustrates, might tickle e'en the sage land + Of Puritan Philistia at Clapham-Rise or Barnsbury. + And now let us the memory of Christmas Cards and yarns bury + In a right bowl of stingo, in the which the Baron cheerily + Drinks to his readers heartily, sincerely, and Happy-New-Year-ily! + +Once upon a time Mr. LEWIS CARROLL wrote a marvellously grotesque, +fantastic, and humorous book called _Alice in Wonderland_, and on +another occasion he wrote _Through the Looking-Glass_, in which _Alice_ +reappeared, and then the spring of Mr. LEWIS CARROLL'S fanciful humour +apparently dried up, for he has done nothing since worth mentioning in +the same breath with his two first works; and if his writings have been +by comparison watery, unlike water, they have never risen by inherent +quality to their original level. Of his latest book, called _Sylvie and +Bruno_, I can make neither head nor tale. It seems a muddle of all +sorts, including a little bit of Bible thrown in. It will be bought, +because LEWIS CARROLL'S name is to it, and it will be enjoyed for the +sake of Mr. FURNISS'S excellent illustrations, but for no other reason, +that I can see. I feel inclined to carol to CARROLL, "O don't you +remember sweet ALICE?" and, if so, please be good enough to wake her up +again, if you can. + +M. FRÉDERIC MAYER'S International Almanack takes my breath away. It is +overwhelmingly international. Most useful to the International +Theatre-goer, as there are plans of all the principal theatres in +Europe, with the seats numbered, so that you have only to wire (answer +paid) to the Théâtre Français for _fauteuil d'orchestre_ Number 20, to +Drury Lane in the same way, to the Operahaus, Berlin ("Open Haus" sounds +so internationally hospitable) for _Parquet_ Number 200 (so as to get a +good view), to the Wallner Theater, Berlin, for something of the same +sort, or to La Scala, Milan, for the sixth _Sedie d'orchestra_ on the +left (as the numbers are not given--why?) and you'll be accommodated. +Then with ease the internationalist can learn when the Moon is full, +_Pleine Lune_, _Vollmond_, _Luna Piena_ and _Luna Ilena_ in five +languages. The Italian, the Spaniard, the French, the Englishman, the +German and the Dutchman can find out all about the different +watering-places of Europe, each one in his own native tongue, and all +about "the Court of Arches" in London and Madrid. There is the Jewish +and also the Mahommedan Calendar, but I see nothing about the Greek +Kalends. I am not quite sure that the Bulgarians will be quite +satisfied, and I should say, that the Aborigines of Central Africa will +have a distinct grievance, which M. FRÉDERIC MAYER will rectify after an +interview with Mr. STANLEY. It's a wonderful production, and as it gives +postal rates and cab-fares in ever so many languages, it will be of +great practical value to the traveller. But no list of cab-fares is +perfect without a model row with the driver in eight languages, +including some bad language and directions as to the shortest route to +the nearest police court. + +Our good Doctor ROOSE _in urbe_, has just published a _brochure_, +dealing with the origin, treatment, and prevention (for there is +apparently no cure) of the fell disease to which, and for a multitude of +whose victims, Father DAMIEN died a martyr. If in the Doctor's treatment +of this subject after his own peculiar fashion _à la_ ROOSE, he can help +to alleviate present suffering and materially assist the crusade now +being undertaken against this common enemy, he will have contributed his +share of energy in starting 1890 hopefully. + +Those who suffer from indigestion at this festive season, and wish to +intensify the effects of the malady, will do well to read a new book +entitled _Master of his Fate_, by J. MACLAREN COBBAN, who, if he does +not write well, that is, judging his style from a hypercritical purist's +point of view, yet contrives to interest you with a story almost as +sensational as that of _Hyde and Jekyl_. The _Master of his Fate_ might +have had for its second title, _Or, The Accomplished Modern Vampire_, +the hero being a sort of a vampire, but not one of the good old school. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE SERVANTS." + +_Lady Patroness_ (_Registry Office of Charitable Society_). "AND WHY ARE +YOU LEAVING YOUR PRESENT PLACE?" + +_Small Applicant._ "PLEASE, 'M, THE LADY SAID SHE CAN DO WITH A LESS +EXPERIENCED SERVANT!"] + + * * * * * + +AMONG THE AMATEURS. + +No. II.--PREPARATION. + +SCENE.--_The Theatre of the provincial town of Blankbury. A company of +Amateurs, the "Thespian Wanderers," are rehearsing the well-known Comedy +of "Heads or Tails?" Amongst them are our friends_ BUCKSTONE BOLDERO, +TIFFINGTON SPINKS, CHARLIE GUSHBY, _and_ HARRY HALL. _Besides these, we +may note_ Colonel THOMAS CLUMK, _an ex-military Amateur, who devotes +more time to acting small parts and talking big about them than he ever +did to soldiering. Then there is_ ANDREW JARP, _a portly and elderly +partner in a considerable firm of Solicitors, and an actor who, by long +practice, has grown perfect in the part of a Family Butler. His office +is in the City, and he drives down to it every morning in a private +brougham, fitted with a looking-glass, by the help of which he studies +the air and deportment characteristic of a modern Seneschal. He is a man +of few words, off as well as on the stage; but his eyes flash fury if he +hears his favourite Art derided by the scoffer._ HORATIO SPUFFIL _is +also in the cast. He has dabbled in literature, but has lately abandoned +such frivolity, and been elected a Member of the London County Council. +A few rising Amateur Supers complete the male portion of the cast. The +Ladies' parts are played by professional Actresses, of the Theatres +Royal generally, who happen to be, as they pleasantly express it in +their advertisements in the "Era," "resting"_--Miss DOROTHY SHUTTLE, +Miss AMELIA SLIMPER, _who are new to the Amateurs,_ and KITTY LARKINGS, +_who has "assisted" the "Thespian Wanderers" before._ BOLDERO _is Stage +Manager. The Stage is occupied by_ SPINKS (_as_ Colonel DEBENHAM, _a +retired Indian Officer_), GUSHBY (_as_ TOM TILBURY, _a comic Country +Squire_), _and_ DOROTHY SHUTTLE (_as_ BELINDA, _Nurserymaid in the +family of_ Lord _and_ Lady SHORTHORN, _represented respectively by_ +BOLDERO _and_ Miss AMELIA). + +_Boldero_ (_from the front of the house_). Stop a moment! You know we +really must settle what we are to do about those two children that +_Belinda's_ got to wheel on in the double perambulator. I asked the +Duchess of MIDDLESEX to lend us her twins for a couple of nights, but +she writes to say they've just got the measles. Isn't there any one here +who can help us? [_The three Ladies titter._ + +_Gushby_ (_in whose breast the leading part played by_ SPINKS _still +rankles_). Why not let SPINKS do it? He's always wanting to "double" +parts, and here's a splendid chance for him. + +_Spinks_ (_coldly_). That's _very_ funny--really _very_ funny, GUSHBY. +It's a pity "Colonel DEBENHAM" (_alluding to his own rôle in the +comedy_) isn't a _clown's_ part. I'd give it up to you right off, if it +was. Ha, ha! (_bitterly_). + +_Colonel Clumk_. There's a man in my old regiment who's got two +red-haired brats; but he wants ten shillings a night for 'em. + +_Boldero._ That's pretty stiff. However, I'll inspect them to-morrow. +Let's get on a bit now. Come, SPINKS! + +_Spinks._ Where were we? (_With an air of intense annoyance._) These +constant interruptions put one off so. Oh, yes, I remember. (_Resumes +rehearsing the part of_ "Colonel DEBENHAM.") "Nursemaid, take those +squalling infants away. I'm surprised at Lady SHORTHORN permitting them +in the drawing-room. Wheel them away at once--at once, I say; or I'll +make curry-powder of the lot of you!" + +_Miss Dorothy Shuttle_ (_as_ "BELINDA"). "Well, I'm sure; I never was so +spoken to afore. (_To her imaginary children._) Did the horrid man scold +them, then, pretty dears? (_To_ DEBENHAM.) You a Colonel? You ain't fit +to be a General in the Salvation Army. Imperence!" [_Exit, wheeling +an imaginary perambulator._ + +_Boldero_ (_enthusiastically_). Excellent! That couldn't have been done +better. When we get the perambulator and the babies, it's bound to go. +(Miss DOROTHY SHUTTLE _is much pleased, and foresees several stalls +being taken on the occasion of her next benefit._) Now, then (_to_ +SPINKS, _who thinks it a mistake that a Stage Manager should stop to +praise anybody, with one exception, of course, at rehearsal_), SPINKS, +hurry up a bit, hurry up! + +_Spinks._ My dear BOLDERO, I'm perfectly ready to begin as soon as ever +the talking stops. I know my cues, I fancy; but it's quite hopeless to +get on if _everybody_ wants to talk at the same moment. (_Resumes his +part as_ "Colonel DEBENHAM," _shaking his fist at the departing_ +BELINDA.) "Impertinent minx! (_Turns furiously on_ GUSHBY, _who is on +the stage in the character of_ TILBURY, _the comic Squire._) And you, +Sir, what in the name of fifty thousand jackasses, do you mean by +standing there grinning from ear to ear like a buck nigger? But I'll not +stand it any longer, Sir, not for a moment. D'ye hear, you miserable +turnip-faced bumpkin, d'ye hear?" (_Carried away by histrionic +enthusiasm_, SPINKS _brings his fist down violently on the precise spot +where a table ought to be, but is not, standing. As a natural result, he +hits himself with much force on his leg. The others laugh, and the +Ladies turn away giggling, feeling that they ought to be sympathetic. +The unfortunate_ SPINKS _hurts himself considerably, and is furious. +Coming, as it were, right out of the part, and being temporarily himself +again, only in a rage, he addresses the Stage Manager._) Upon my soul, +BOLDERO, this is perfectly infamous. How often have I begged you to get +that table placed there _at all costs_, and time after time you forget +it. I know what it is; you want to make me ridiculous. But you'll be +d---- (_suddenly remembers that ladies are present, and substitutes a +milder expletive_)--confoundedly sorry for yourself when you find I'm +too lame to act, and the whole of your precious piece will be ruined. +You'll none of you get notices worth twopence from the critics. +[_Limps up and down the Stage._ + +_Miss Amelia Slimper_ (_rather a novice, and anxious to make useful +acquaintances among the distinguished Amateurs--to_ Miss KITTY, +_whispering_). Are they very keen about notices? + +_Miss Kitty_ (_experienced in Amateurs_). Keen! I should think they +were. They talk about nothing else when it's over. + +_Boldero_ (_peaceably_). Well, SPINKS, you know you smashed two tables +last week, and I thought we agreed to rehearse without one. But I'll see +it's there next time. Now then, JARP! Where's JARP? This is his +entrance. Where the deuce is he? (_Enter_ JARP _as_ "Mr. BINNS, _Butler +to_ Lord SHORTHORN"). Dear me, JARP, what have you been up to? + +_Jarp_ (_vexed_). What have I been up to? I'll tell you. I've been +learning my part, and it would be a good thing if everybody were to +follow my example, instead of talking all day. + +_Boldero._ JARP, don't be sarcastic. It doesn't suit you. Let's see if +you know your part, after all this. + +JARP (_as_ BINNS, _without moving a muscle_). "'Er Ladyship's +compliments, Colonel DEBENHAM, and she would like to see you." + +_Spinks_ (_as_ DEBENHAM). "Very well. Tell her I'll come." + +_Jarp_ (_as_ BINNS). "Yes, Sir." + +[_Exit_ JARP _as_ BINNS, _but immediately becomes_ JARP, _and complains +to the young Ladies that these fellows never will rehearse properly. The +professional Ladies sympathise with him, and admit that it is very +provoking, and_ Miss AMELIA _takes the opportunity of expressing her +confident opinion that he_, JARP, _will play his part admirably, and +only wonders that he hasn't got more to do. Then somehow the +conversation wanders towards professional matters, and the probability +of_ Miss AMELIA _being engaged next season at a fashionable London +Theatre, &c., &c._ + +_Miss Dorothy_ (_aside, in a whisper, to_ Miss KITTY, _alluding to_ +JARP'S _recent exit_). Is that all he's got to say? + +_Miss Kitty_ (_in same tone to_ Miss DOROTHY). Not quite. He says, "'Er +Ladyship is served!" in the next Act. A part like that takes a deal of +learning. + +[_The rehearsal proceeds._ SPUFFIL _does wonders as "a young man about +town";_ Colonel CLUMK _performs the part of a Country Clergyman in a +manner suggestive rather of a Drill-sergeant than a Vicar._ BOLDERO +_having praised_ SPINKS, _is pronounced by the latter to be +unapproachable as_ Lord SHORTHORN. _In the Third Act_, HALL _sings his +song about_ "the Boy in Buttons." _On the previous day, he had had a +difference with_ SPINKS _and_ BOLDERO. + +_Boldero._ I think that song's out of place. What say you, SPINKS? + +_Spinks._ Well, it does sound just a trifle vulgar. + +_Boldero._ Yes. I think we shall have to cut it, HALL. It'll do for next +year just as well. You can make it fit any piece? + +_Hall_ (_pale, but determined_). If that song goes, I go too. Oh, yes, +SPINKS, it's all very well for you to be so blessed polite to BOLDERO, +but you didn't seem to think much of his acting (_observes_ SPUFFIL +_smiling_) no, nor of SPUFFIL'S either, when you spoke to me yesterday: +and as for GUSHBY, why we all know what GUSHBY is. + +[_All join in the fight, which continues for ten minutes._ + +_Boldero_ (_looking at his watch_). Good heavens! we shall miss our +train, and I've promised to look in on IRVING to-night. He'd never +forgive me if I didn't turn up. + +[_Smiles of quiet intelligence appear on the faces of the other +Amateurs, accompanied with a few winks, which like "laughter in Court," +are "immediately suppressed." Exeunt omnes, severally, each pleased with +himself, and more or less disgusted with everybody else._ + +_Miss Amelia_ (_to_ KITTY). What a funny lot! Are they like that every +year? + +_Miss Kitty._ Yes, always. But (_confidentially_) they do come out +strong for a "ben." + +[_They retire to their lodgings for a little quiet tea and a rest._ + + * * * * * + +A MID-WINTER'S NIGHT'S DREAM. + +[Illustration] + +Surely AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS has triumphed and beaten the record! For the +last nine years it has been the cry, "There never was so good a +Pantomime as _this_ one," and now again the shout is repeated. _Jack and +the Beanstalk_ is the eleventh of the series, and the best. "How it is +done?" only AUGUSTUS can answer. The Annual (no longer, alas! written by +the gentle and genial E. L. B.) has an excellent book. It contains +something of all sorts. Now we have SHAKSPEARE'S fairy-land with +_Oberon_, _Titania_, and _Puck_, then HARRY NICHOLL'S Royal Palace with +Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL and Miss HARRIET VERNON, then Madame KATTI LANNER'S +Market Place, with a number of the most promising of her pupils (of all +ages too, from the tiny child to the "ceased-growing-a-long-while-ago") +then Mrs. SIMPSON'S Back Garden, with Mr. GEORGE CONQUEST junior as a +giant, Mr. DAN LENO as a widow, and the Brothers GRIFFITHS as the Cow +Company Limited, and lastly, controlling the whole, we have Mr. AUGUSTUS +HARRIS who is seen at his very best when we reach the Giant's Library +and the realms of Olympus. + +And this Pantomime is not only beautiful but amusing. It has two grand +processions, but this year, by good stage-management, neither is +tedious. The Shakspearean Heroines do a little play-acting between +whiles, and the gods and goddesses, or rather their attendants, +manoeuvre before the eye becomes weary of watching their approach. For +instance, Mars has scarcely time to swagger down to the foot-lights in +the most appropriate and approved fashion, before he finds himself +called upon to stand near a private box on the prompt side, to be well +out of the way of his dancing terpsichorean satellites. _Lady Macbeth_ +has hardly "taken the daggers" before _King Lear_ (Mr. LORRAINE) is +bringing a furtive tear to the eyes of all beholders (_one_ tear is +sufficient at Christmastide) by his touching pantomime in the presence +of his three fair daughters. + +Then, too, Mr. HARRY PAYNE has _his_ chance, and makes the most of it. +It was quite pleasant to see the Clown on Boxing-Night, and those who +left the theatre mindful of trains that will not delay the hours fixed +for their departure, must have determined (if they were wise people) to +come again to witness the remainder of the performances. Then those who +liked acrobats had the Leopold Troupe, and a strong man who lifted up a +horse (but did not have his own name, or the name of his charger, on the +programme) to delight them. And it was also a pleasing reflection to +remember that the entertainment was the result of solid hard work, +combined with excellent judgment and taste. Paterfamilias could say to +Young Hopeful home for the holidays, "See here, my lad, the lessee of +our National Theatre could never have caused us so much thorough +enjoyment had he not worked with a will that you will do well to imitate +when you return to Dr. SWISHTALES' Academy at the conclusion of the +Christmas vacation." And so all can cry with genuine enthusiasm:--"_Ave_, +AUGUSTUS! _Ave_, DRURIOLANUS! _Ave_, IMPERATOR! _Ave! Ave!_--and NICHOLLS." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI +VOLUME 98, JANUARY 4, 1890*** + + +******* This file should be named 25685-8.txt or 25685-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/5/6/8/25685 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://www.gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/25685-8.zip b/25685-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9bccfe2 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-8.zip diff --git a/25685-h.zip b/25685-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c326c04 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h.zip diff --git a/25685-h/25685-h.htm b/25685-h/25685-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..abbb09b --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/25685-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2293 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 98, January 4, 1890, by Various</title> +<style type="text/css" media="screen"> + +* { margin: 0; padding: 0; border: none; } +body { margin: 5% 15%; } +h1,h2,h3 { text-align: center; } +h3 { margin-top: 1.5em; } +div, p { line-height: 1.25; margin-top: 1em; } + +blockquote { margin:0 10%; } +hr { width: 75%; margin: 3em auto; border: 1px solid black; } +hr.half { width: 50%; } +hr.quarter { width: 25%; } + +.center { text-align: center; } +.small { font-size: small; } +.x-small { font-size: x-small; } +.xx-small { font-size: xx-small; } +.xx-large { font-size: xx-large; } +.bold { font-weight: bold; } + +.ln-ht2 { line-height: 2; } + +.pagenum { position:absolute; left: 3em; font: normal normal normal 12px/1 serif; } + +.sans { font-family: sans-serif; } + +div.image { margin-bottom: 3em; } +div.image p { line-height: .25em; text-indent: 5em; } +#img0001 { width: 389px; margin: auto; } +#img0002 { width: 700px; margin: auto; } +#img0003 { width: 600px; margin: auto; } +#img001 { width: 700px; margin: auto; } +#img002 { width: 420px; margin: auto; } +#img003 { +float: right; +margin: 0 0 0 .5em; +width:425px; +border-left: double; +border-bottom: double; +padding: 0 0 .5em .5em; +} +#img004 { float: left; width: 264px; padding-right: .5em; } +#img005a { float: left; width: 287px; margin: .5em .5em .5em 0; } +#img005a p { margin-top: .15em; } +#img005b { float: left; width: 320px; margin: 0 .55em .5em 0; } +#img005b p { margin: 0 .15em 0 0; } +#img005c { float:right; width:285px; margin: 0 0 .5em .65em; } +#img006 { width: 700px; margin: auto; } +#img007 { width: 700px; margin: auto; } +#img009 { float: right; width: 400px; } +#img010 { width: 700px; margin: auto; } +#img011 { width: 700px; margin: auto; } +#img012 { width: 700px; margin: auto; } + +.ralign { text-align: right; } + +.stanza span { display: block; } +.in1em { text-indent: 1em; } +.in2em { text-indent: 2em; } +.smcap { font-variant: small-caps; } +.stanza .smcap { display: inline; } + + hr.full { width: 100%; + margin-top: 3em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + height: 4px; + border-width: 4px 0 0 0; /* remove all borders except the top one */ + border-style: solid; + border-color: #000000; + clear: both; } + pre {font-size: 85%;} +</style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 98, +January 4, 1890, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 98, January 4, 1890</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Editor: Francis Burnand</p> +<p>Release Date: June 3, 2008 [eBook #25685]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOLUME 98, JANUARY 4, 1890***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, V. L. Simpson,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> + +<div id="img0001"> +<a href="images/ill-0001.png"> +<img src="images/ill-0001-th.png" alt="Punch, Vol. 98" +title="Click for larger image." width="389" height="500" /> +</a> +</div> + +<div class="center bold ln-ht2"> +<span class="small">LONDON:</span><br /> +<span>PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,</span><br /> +<span class="xx-small">AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.</span><br /> +<span class="x-small">1890.</span> +</div> + +<hr /> +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. iii]</p> + +<div id="img0002"> +<a href="images/ill-0002.png"> +<img src="images/ill-0002-th.png" alt="Preface" +title="Click for larger image." width="700" height="547" /> +</a> +</div> + +<p>It was a Midsummer Night, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch</span> in his +<i>sanctum</i> dreamed a Dream! To adapt the Laureate's lay:—</p> + +<div class=" bold poem" style="width:20em;margin:auto;"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>He read, before his eyelids dropt their shade,</span> +<span class="in1em">The <i>Lusiads</i> of <span class="smcap">Camoens</span>, long ago</span> +<span>Sung by the Lusitanian bard, who made</span> +<span class="in1em">Great <span class="smcap">Gama's</span> glories glow.</span> +</div> +</div> + +<p>It was the wondrous tale of <span class="smcap">Stanley</span> which had turned the Sage's +attention to the pages of the great Epic of Commerce.</p> + +<p>He had read:—</p> + +<div class="poem bold" style="width:22em;margin:auto;"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Afric behold! alas, what altered view!</span> +<span>Her lands uncultured, and her sons untrue;</span> +<span>Ungraced with all that sweetens human life,</span> +<span>Savage and fierce, they roam in brutal strife;</span> +<span>Eager they grasp the gifts which culture yields,</span> +<span>Yet naked roam their own neglected fields."</span> +</div> +</div> + +<p>And though even Africa has considerably changed since the year of grace +1497, when "daring <span class="smcap">Gama</span>" went "incessant labouring round the +stormy Cape," Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch</span> thought of that great gloom-shrouded +Equatorial Forest and its secular savage dwarf-denizens, and mused how +much there was yet for our modern <span class="smcap">Gamas</span> to do in the Dark +Continent.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch</span> found himself in the lovely "Isle of Venus," the +delicious floral Paradise which the Queen of Love, "the guardian goddess +of the Lusian race," created "amid the bosom of the watery waste," as "a +place of glad repast and sweet repose," for the tired home-returning +<span class="smcap">Gama</span> and his companions.</p> + +<p>"Of 'glad repast,'" said a familiar voice, "there is plenty and to +spare; but for the 'sweet repose,' 'tis not to be found in this 'Isle of +Banqueting.'"</p> + +<p>"Mr. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>, I presume?" said the Sage.</p> + +<p>"You <i>cannot</i> presume," rejoined H. M. neatly. "But some of these +gregarious dinner-givers <i>do</i>, and sometimes,—yes, sometimes I'm +afraid I let them see that I'm aware of it."</p> + +<p>"As fame-preoccupied, country-loving <span class="smcap">Gama</span>, wearied of the +'feasts, interludes, and chivalrous entertainments,' with which 'the +taste of that age demonstrated the joy of Portugal,' might perchance +have snubbed some too importunate Don. 'The compliments of the Court and +the shouts of the streets were irksome to him,' says the chronicle."</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Salisbury</span> is not quite a Prince <span class="smcap">Henry</span> apparently," +remarked the modern <span class="smcap">Gama</span>. "He and his father <span class="smcap">John</span> did +not find the discoveries and acquisitions of their heroic compatriot +'embarrassing.' 'The arts and valour of the Portuguese had now made a +great impression on the minds of the Africans. The King of +<span class="smcap">Congo</span>, a dominion of great extent, sent the sons of some of his +principal officers to be instructed in arts and religion.' This was four +hundred years ago! And now +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. iv]</span> +the Portuguese can be safely snubbed and sat upon, even by a +<span class="smcap">Salisbury</span>! But if your prudent Premier doesn't 'stiffen his +back' a bit, with regard to the tougher and tentative Teuton, 'the arts +and valour' of the Britishers will not make as great an impression on +the minds of the Africans as your ill-used East African Company could +desire."</p> + +<p>"Don't be <i>too</i> downhearted, <span class="smcap">Henry</span>," smiled the Sage. +"Much dining-out doth breed dyspepsia, and atrabilious views are apt to +be a <i>leetle</i> lop-sided."</p> + +<p>"Right, <i>Mr. Punch!</i>" said a musical but somewhat mournful voice, +that of the great but ill-starred <span class="smcap">Luis de Camoens</span> himself. "I +wrote much of my <i>Lusiadas</i> in Africa.</p> + +<p class="center"><b>"'One hand the pen, and one the sword employed.'</b></p> + +<p>"<i>My</i> reward was banishment, imprisonment, poverty, neglect, and a +miserable death in an almshouse. 'Soon after, however,' says the record, 'many +epitaphs honoured his memory: the greatness of his merit was universally +confessed, and his <i>Lusiad</i> was translated into various languages.' 'The +whirligig of time brings its revenges,' as your own illustrious Singer saith. +How think you myself and my friend <span class="smcap">Vasco de Gama</span> +here look upon the fallen state of our beloved native land? In vain he ventured +for her. In vain I warningly sang:—</p> + +<div class="poem" style="width:20em; margin:auto;"> +<div class="stanza"> +<b>"'Chill'd by my nation's cold neglect, thy fires<br /> +Glow bold no more, and all thy rage expires.<br /> +Shall haughty Gaul or sterner Albion boast<br /> +That all the Lusian fame in thee is lost!'"</b><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch</span> bowed low to the illustrious Poet and the indomitable +Explorer. "Greatness," said he, courteously, "claims reverence, and +misfortune respect. Your countrymen, Gentlemen, have been rather angry +with me of late. But 'sterner Albion' may be proud indeed if she +produces such men as <span class="smcap">Gama</span> to perform heroic deeds, and such +poets as <span class="smcap">Camoens</span> to sing them." The stately Shades saluted. "I +wonder," said <span class="smcap">Gama</span>, "who will be the Laureate of the later +Ulysses, and which of your singers will write the <i>Epic of +Africa?</i>"</p> + +<p>"I fear," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch</span>, "that at present they are too busy +smiting the Socialistic big drum, or tickling their sonorous native +tongue into tinkling triolets. In this Island of Venus——"</p> + +<p>"I beg pardon," interrupted <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>, with a sardonic smile. +"This Island of <i>Menus</i>, you mean, Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch</span>!"</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch</span> looked around. The Acidalian roses and myrtles, the +purple lotos and the snowy thorn, the yellow pod-flowers and the waving +palms, the vermeil apples and the primrosed banks, of <span class="smcap">Camoens'</span> +somewhat zone-confounding vision, had indeed vanished, and in their +stead seemed to wave snowy <i>serviettes</i>, to flow champagne-streams, +to glitter goblets, and to glow orchid-laden <i>épergnes</i>.</p> + +<p>"Humph!" said the Sage. "The prose of the <i>Restaurateur</i>—which by +the way sounds as if I were alluding to the literature of the +Restauration,—hath insensibly superseded the poesy of the peerless +Portuguese. Well, Gentlemen, in vain may 'sterner Albion' glory in the +profusion of wealth and the pomp of 'glad repast,' unless also she +breeds heroes to adventure and poets to celebrate. As you sang, my +<span class="smcap">Camoens</span>—</p> + +<div class="poem bold" style="width:20em;margin:auto;" > +<div class="stanza"> +"'The King or hero to the Muse unjust,<br /> +Sinks as the nameless slave, extinct in dust.' +</div> +</div> + +<p>"For the present, <span class="smcap">Stanley's</span> arm and Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch's</span> pen +suffice to save the State from such abasement. But let our timid +Premiers and our temporising Press remember the glories of <span class="smcap">Gama</span> +and <span class="smcap">Camoens</span>, and the fate of ungrateful and indolent +Lusitania!"</p> + +<p>"The Pen of Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch</span>!" cried <span class="smcap">Camoens</span>. "Ah, long have +the valiant <span class="smcap">Vasco</span> and myself desired to peruse its sparkling +and patriotic outpourings.".</p> + +<p>"And you, my <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>," proceeded Mr. <span class="smcap">Punch</span>, "said to +the banqueting Fishmongers, 'I am an omnivorous reader whenever an +opportunity presents itself.' It presents itself here and now. Take, +Illustrious Trio, the greatest gift that even <span class="smcap">Punch</span> can bestow +upon you, to wit his</p> + +<div class="xx-large center bold">"Ninety-Eighth Volume!"</div> + +<div id="img0003"> +<a href="images/ill-0003.png"> +<img src="images/ill-0003-th.png" alt="" title="Click for larger image." +width="600" height="343" /> +</a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. 1]</p> + +<div id="img001"> +<a href="images/ill-001.png"> +<img src="images/ill-001-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="700" height="384" /> +</a> +</div> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<h2 class="sans">JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE.</h2> + +<p class="smcap center">Fourth Entry.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Have</span> for a considerable time past been "eating dinners," +preparatory to being "called" to the Bar. Understand now what people +mean when they talk of a "<i>Digest</i> of the Law."</p> + +<p>Find myself (on dining for the first time this Term) in a mess with a +highly-intelligent native of India, another man up from Oxford, and an +African law-student. Latter black and curly, but good-natured. Says +there is a great demand for English-made barristers on the Gambia, and +he's going to supply the demand.</p> + +<p>Have wild and momentary idea of going to the Gambia myself.</p> + +<p>"Why," I ask this enterprising negro, "why don't English +barristers—white ones, I mean—go and practise there?" Feel that +reference to colour is not felicitous; still, difficult to express the +idea otherwise.</p> + +<p>African doesn't mind. Shows all his teeth in a broad grin, and says, +"Inglis men die, die like flies, on the Gambia."</p> + +<p>Curious to see the Hindoo law-student looking contemptuously at African +ditto. Hindoo a shrewd fellow. Talks English perfectly. Rather given to +gesticulate. Waves his arms, and incidentally knocks over a bottle of +the claret—at twelve shillings a dozen—which the Inn kindly supplies +to wash down the mutton and baked potatoes at our two-shilling meal. +Hindoo laughs. Tells me, confidentially, that he has practised as a +"Vakeel" (whatever that is) in some small country town in Bengal. Why +has he come over here? Oh, to be called. Will get more work and more +pay, when a full-fledged barrister. Gather that there are rival +"Vakeels" in Bengal whom he wants to cut out. He intends "cutting +out"—to India—directly he <i>is</i> called.</p> + +<p>Oxford man tells me in a whisper that "he believes he's a Baboo." +Indeed! Don't feel much wiser for the information.</p> + +<p>African getting jealous of Baboo's fluent talk. Rather a sportive negro, +it appears. Says he goes to theatre nearly every night. Has a regular +and rather festive programme for each day.</p> + +<p>"Lecture, morning," he says; "afternoon, walk in Park, sometimes ride. +Night, theatre or music-hall." He grins like an amiable gargoyle. In his +own country African law-student must be quite a lady-killer—a sort of +Gambia masher.</p> + +<p>Incidentally mention to Hindoo difficulty of law of Real Property, +especially "Rule in <span class="smcap">Shelley's</span> Case."</p> + +<p>It seems Hindoo understands matter perfectly. Begins to explain the +"Rule in <span class="smcap">Shelley's</span> Case." Does it by aid of two salt-cellars +(to represent the parties) and a few knives (to represent collateral +relatives).</p> + +<p>African masher more jealous. Laughs at Baboo's explanation. He and Baboo +exchange glances of hatred. African, who is carving, brandishes knife. +Is he going to plunge it into heart of Baboo just as he's got through +his explanation? Looks like it, as the shilling claret seems to have got +into place where we may suppose African's brain to be. However, dinner +ends without a catastrophe.</p> + +<p>After attending the usual amount of legal lectures, the "Final" Exam. +approaches.</p> + +<p>Get through the papers pretty well. Thank goodness, no question asked so +far about that "Rule in <span class="smcap">Shelley's</span> Case," which is my "<i>Pons +Asinorum</i>!" It's a "rule" to which I take great exception.</p> + +<p>There's a "<i>Vivâ Voce</i>" to come, however. Hate <i>vivâ voce.</i> +Two examiners sit at end of Hall—students called up in batches of +half-a-dozen at a time. Very nervous work. Find, when my turn comes, +that the intelligent Baboo is in the same lot! Appears to like the +position. From his manner I should judge that he'd been doing nothing +all his life but being examined by fifties in a cave, like this.</p> + +<p>Examiner who tackles me has an eye-glass.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mr. <span class="smcap">Joynson</span>," he remarks, putting it up to survey me +better, "if you were a trustee, &c., &c., <i>what would you do?</i>"</p> + +<p>Flattered at the supposition. Answer in a way which seems to partly +satisfy Examiner, who passes on to next man with a new question. In a +minute or two my turn comes round again.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mr. <span class="smcap">Joynson</span>," Examiner again observes cheerfully, "let me +ask you quite an elementary question in Real Property. Just give me a +brief, a very brief, explanation of what you understand by the Rule in +<span class="smcap">Shelley's</span> Case!"</p> + +<p>But I don't understand anything by it! It's a piece of hopeless legal +gibberish to me. I stammer out some attempt at an answer, and see Baboo +looking at me with a pitying, almost reproachful, glance. "Didn't I," he +seems to say, "explain it all to you once at dinner? Do you really mean +to say that you've forgotten the way in which I arranged the +salt-cellars and the table-knives, and how I turned the whole case +inside out for your benefit?"</p> + +<p>I admit the offence. Examiner seems surprised at my ignorance—informs +me that "it's as easy as A.B.C." It may be—to him and the Baboo.</p> + +<p>Baboo, being asked the same question, at once explains the whole matter, +this time without the aid of the salt-cellars and cutlery.</p> + +<p>A few days later go to look at result of examination. Result, for me—a +Plough!</p> + +<p>Walking away dejectedly—("homeward the Plough-man wends his legal +way"—as <span class="smcap">Gray</span> sympathetically put it)—meet African +law-student, who grins insanely. <i>He</i> doesn't sympathise in my +defeat. Shows his fine set of ivories and says:—</p> + +<p>"Me failed too. Me go back Gambia. You come back with me!"</p> + +<p>Tell him I'm not "called" yet: certainly not called to Gambia.</p> + +<p>"Then come to Alhambra!" he suggests, as a sort of alternative to a +visit to the tropics.</p> + +<p>African student evidently still a masher. Decline his invitation with +thanks. Wouldn't be seen with him at a theatre for worlds! Depressed. +Don't even look in at Gaiety Bar. No Gaiety for <i>me</i>—and no "Bar" +either, it seems.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. 2]</p> + +<div id="img002"> +<a href="images/ill-002.png"> +<img src="images/ill-002-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="420" height="500" /> +</a> +<h3 class="sans">SOME NEW YEAR'S PROBLEMS.</h3> +</div> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<h2>THE BUSY (J.) B.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Not by Dr. Watts.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem" style="width:20em;margin:auto;"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>How doth the busy Jerry Builder</span> +<span class="in1em">Improve his shining hoard,</span> +<span>And gather money, basely earned,</span> +<span class="in1em">From every opening Board!</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>How skilfully he scamps his "shells"!</span> +<span class="in1em">How deftly spreads his sludge!</span> +<span>And labours to defend his sells</span> +<span class="in1em">By special-pleading fudge!</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>With what serene, well-practised skill,</span> +<span class="in1em">He "squares" Surveyors too!</span> +<span>For Jobbery finds some baseness still</span> +<span class="in1em">For venal hands to do.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>Whether for work or healthful play</span> +<span class="in1em">His buildings will not last.</span> +<span>May he be called some day, some day,</span> +<span class="in1em">To strict account at last!</span> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Parliamentary Intelligence.</span>—According +to the announcement in the <i>Gazette</i>, the +<span class="smcap">Speaker</span> will take the Chair in the House of +Commons on Tuesday, the 11th of February, +when the new Session opens. But, as a +matter of fact, <i>The Speaker</i> will be on the +book-stalls on Saturday next, the 4th of +January, entering upon what promises to be +a useful and prolonged Session. Thereafter +<i>The Speaker</i> will take the book-stall once a +week regularly, there being Saturday sittings +throughout the year. <i>The Speaker</i> will, of +course, be on the side of Law and "Order! +Order!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. 3]</p> + +<div id="img003"> +<a href="images/ill-003.png"> +<img src="images/ill-003-th.png" alt="" +title="" width="425" height="400" /> +</a> +<h3 class="sans">STUDIES IN REPARTEE.</h3> + +<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="smcap">How silent you are! What are you thinking of?</span>"</p> +<p><i>He.</i> "<i><span class="smcap">Nothing!</span></i>"</p> +<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="smcap">Egotist!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<h2>A BALLAD OF EVIL SPEED.</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>A Cool Collation of Several Bards.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span><span class="smcap">I would</span> I had not met you, Sweet,</span> +<span>I wish you had been far away</span> +<span>From where, in Upper Wimpole Street,</span> +<span>We two foregather'd yesterday.</span> +<span>Somewhere in that unlovely street</span> +<span>Summer's lost beauty, hid away,</span> +<span>Woke at the music of your feet,</span> +<span>And sought the little girl in grey.</span> +<span>Around your head the sunbeams play—</span> +<span>Home to the depths of your deep eyes</span> +<span>Soft shadows of the woodland stray,</span> +<span>Then sparkle with a quick surprise,</span> +<span>As when the branch-entangled skies</span> +<span>Shake from the depths of woodland stream,</span> +<span>Awhile in laughing circles gleam,</span> +<span>Then spread to heaven's peace again.</span> +<span>Amber and gold, and feathery grey,</span> +<span>You suited well the Autumn day,</span> +<span>The muffled sun, the misty air,</span> +<span>The weather like a sleepy pear.</span> +<span>And yet I wish that you had been</span> +<span>Afar, beside the sounding main,</span> +<span>Or swaying daintily the rein</span> +<span>Of mettled courser on the green,</span> +<span>So I had passed, and passed unseen.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>For I arose, from dreams of thee,</span> +<span>So late that morn, my matin tea</span> +<span>Was cold as mutton two days cooked;</span> +<span>As in the looking-glass I looked,</span> +<span>Methought the razor need not wreak</span> +<span>Its wonted vengeance on my cheek,</span> +<span>Nor clear the shadow from my chin</span> +<span>Till to the City I had been.</span> +<span>Thus, horrid with a nascent beard,</span> +<span>By chance through Wimpole Street I steered,</span> +<span>Trusting therein to shun contempt</span> +<span>Of who abhor a man unkempt.</span> +<span>For like a mother-bird, who's caught</span> +<span>The cant of modern woman's thought,</span> +<span>My restless tie refused to sit,</span> +<span>And restless fingers vainly sought</span> +<span>To soothe the silkworm's stubborn toil.</span> +<span>But only did its candour soil,</span> +<span>And suffered none the less from it.</span> +<span>For all my neck, and head no less,</span> +<span>Owned to a vague unquietness,</span> +<span>As when the vagrant spiderlet</span> +<span>Has spread at large her filmy net</span> +<span>To catch the moonbeams, wavering white,</span> +<span>At the front gate on Autumn night.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>Then suddenly the sombre way</span> +<span>Rock'd like the darkness struck by day,</span> +<span>The endless houses reel'd from sight,</span> +<span>And all romance and all delight</span> +<span>Came thronging in a glorious crowd.</span> +<span>So, when the drums are beating loud,</span> +<span>The mob comes sweeping down the Mall,</span> +<span>Far heralding the bear-skins tall.</span> +<span>Glorious in golden clothing comes</span> +<span>The great drum-major with his drums</span> +<span>And sun-smit brass of trumpets; then</span> +<span>The scarlet wall of marching men,</span> +<span>Midmost of which great Mavors sets</span> +<span>The colours girt with bayonets.</span> +<span>Yes, there were you—and there was I,</span> +<span>Unshaved, and with erratic tie,</span> +<span>And for that once I yearn'd to shun</span> +<span>My social system's central sun.</span> +<span>How could a sloven slave express</span> +<span>The frank, the manly tenderness</span> +<span>That wraps you round from common thought,</span> +<span>And does not ask that you should know</span> +<span>The love that consecrates you so.</span> +<span>No; furtive, awkward, restless, cold,</span> +<span>I basely seemed to set at naught</span> +<span>That sudden bliss, undreamt, unsought.</span> +<span>What must she think, my girl of gold?</span> +<span>I dare not ask; and baffled wit</span> +<span>Droops—till sweet hopes begin to flit—</span> +<span>Like butterflies that brave the cold—</span> +<span>Perhaps she didn't notice it.</span> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<h2>"JUST TO OBLIGE BENSON."</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—It was not a very happy thought to send me to +the Globe Theatre at this festive season of the year to witness the +representation of a piece, called by the management, for some reason or +other, "a <i>faërie</i> comedy." Now, I like a Burlesque, and I am fond +of a Pantomime, but a mixture of blank verse and tom-foolery is rather +too much for me, especially when that mixture is not redeemed by a plot +of any interest. Nothing can be more absurd than the story (save the +mark!) told in this particularly uninteresting play. It appears that a +"Duke!" of Athens married the Queen of the Amazons, and during the +nuptial rejoicings ordered the daughter of one of his subjects to "die +the death" unless she transferred her affections from her own true love +to a gentleman of her father's choice. The gentleman of her father's +choice was beloved in his turn by a school friend of his would-not-be +betrothed, and the play which lasted from eight until nearly midnight, +was devoted to setting this simple (in more senses than one) +<i>imbroglio</i> right. By a clumsy device, <i>Oberon</i> King of the +Fairies bewitched the two pairs of lovers during their sleep in a wood, +so that one lady had two admirers and the other none. All that was +needed to bring the piece to a conclusion was to have another exercise +of magic when the couples paired off, of course, in a manner calculated +to give satisfaction to their friends and relations. This was the entire +plot. There was now and again some attempts to turn amateur theatricals +into feeble ridicule by the introduction of a party of village +histrions, who were allowed to "clown" to their heart's content; and +<i>voilà tout</i>!</p> + +<p>The mounting is excellent. Nothing better than "a Wood near Athens," +painted by Mr. <span class="smcap">Hemsley</span>, has been seen since Professor +<span class="smcap">Herkomer</span> startled the world with his representation of village +life at Bushey. The music, too (chiefly from the works of +<span class="smcap">Mendelssohn</span>), is always charming, and frequently appropriate. +Moreover, Mr. <span class="smcap">Benson</span>, no doubt feeling that his author required +every possible support, has introduced a number of pretty dances, +executed by comely maidens of ages varying from seven to (say) +seven-and-twenty.</p> + +<p>Of course, such a play required very ordinary acting. Mr. +<span class="smcap">Benson</span> was, on the whole, a gentlemanly <i>Lysander</i>, Mr. +<span class="smcap">Otho Stuart</span> a dignified <i>Oberon</i>, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Stephen +Phillips</span> quite the best of the village histrions. Miss <span class="smcap">Grace +Geraldine</span> was also fanciful in the <i>rôle</i> of a sort of gnome. +But, allowing for the music, and the scenery, and the acting, the piece +itself was unquestionably dull. And now, having given you my unbiassed +opinion, I beg to sign myself, <span class="smcap">Your Unprejudiced Contributor</span>.</p> + +<p>P.S.—I am told that the author of <i>A Midsummer's Dream</i> wrote a number of other plays +of considerable merit. This I challenge, the more especially as those who swear by +Mr. <span class="smcap">William Shakspeare</span> candidly admit that his name is a deterrent rather than an +attraction on a play-bill.</p> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<p class="center">1890 <span class="smcap">Almanack for Funny Dogs.</span>—Evidently "Whitty Curs' Almanack."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. 4]</p> + +<h2 class="sans">MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.</h2> + +<p class="center">No. II.—JOE, THE JAM-EATER.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>A Musical Spectacular and Sensational Interlude.</i> (<i>Dedicated +respectfully to Mr. McDougall and the L. C. C.</i>)</p> + +<div id="img004"> +<a href="images/ill-004.png"> +<img src="images/ill-004-th.png" alt="" +title="" width="264" height="400" /> +</a> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Music-hall Dramatist, like <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>, has a right +to take his material from any source that may seem good to him. <i>Mr. +Punch</i>, therefore, makes no secret of the fact, that he has based the +following piece upon the well-known poem of "<i>The Purloiner</i>," by +the Sisters <span class="smcap">Jane</span> and <span class="smcap">Ann Taylor</span>, who were <i>not</i>, +as might be too hastily concluded, "Song and Dance Duettists," but two +estimable ladies, who composed "cautionary" verses for the young, and +whose works are a perfect mine of wealth for Moral Dramatists. In this +dramatic version the Author has tried to infuse something of the old +Greek sense of an overruling destiny, without detriment to prevailing +ideas of moral responsibility. Those who have the misfortune to be born +with a propensity for illicit jam, may learn from our Drama the terrible +results of failing to overcome it early in life.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Dramatis Personæ</span></p> + +<p><i>Jam-loving Joe.</i> By that renowned Melodramatic Serio-Comic, +Miss <span class="smcap">Connie Curdler</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Joe's Mother</i> (<i>the very part for</i> Mrs. <span class="smcap">Bancroft</span> +<i>if she can only be induced to make her re-appearance</i>).</p> + +<p><i>John, a Gardener.</i> By the great Pink-eyed Unmusical Zulu.</p> + +<p><i>Jim-Jam, the Fermentation Fiend.</i> By Mr. <span class="smcap">Beerbohm Tree</span> +(<i>who has kindly consented to undertake the part</i>).</p> + +<p><i>Chorus of Plum and Pear Gatherers, from the Savoy</i> (<i>by kind +permission of</i> Mr. <span class="smcap">D'Oyly Carte</span>).</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—<i>The Store-room at sunset, with view of exterior of +Jam Cupboard, and orchard in distance.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Joe</span>.</p> + +<p>"As <span class="smcap">Joe</span> was at play, Near the cupboard one day, When he thought +no one saw him but himself."—<i>Vide Poem.</i></p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>dreamily</i>). 'Tis passing strange that I so partial am<br /> +To playing in the neighbourhood of +Jam!</p> + +<p> +[<i>Here</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Curdler</span> <i>will introduce her great humorous +Satirical Medley, illustrative of the Sports of Childhood, and entitled, +"Some Little Gymes we all of us 'ave Plied;" after which, Enter</i> +<span class="smcap">Joe's</span> <i>Mother, followed by</i> <span class="smcap">John</span> <i>and the +Chorus, with baskets, ladders, &c., for gathering fruit.</i> +</p> + +<p>"His Mother and <span class="smcap">John</span>, To the garden had gone, To gather ripe +pears and ripe plums."—<i>Poem.</i></p> + +<p><i>Joe's Mother</i> (<i>with forced cheerfulness</i>)—<br /> + +Let's hope, my friends, to find our pears and plums,<br /> +Unharmed by wopses, and untouched by wums.<br /> +</p> + +<p> +[<i>Chorus signify assent in the usual manner by holding up the right +hand.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>Solo</i>—<span class="smcap">John.</span><br /> + +Fruit when gathered ripe, is wholesome—<br /> +Otherwise if eaten green.<br /> +Once I knew a boy who stole some—<br /> +[<i>With a glance at</i> <span class="smcap">Joe</span>, who turns aside to conceal his confusion.<br /> +His internal pangs were keen! +</p> + + +<p><i>Chorus</i> (<i>virtuously</i>). 'Tis the doom of all who're mean,<br /> +Their internal pangs are keen!</p> + + + +<p><i>Joe's Mother</i> (<i>aside</i>). By what misgivings is a mother tortured!<br /> +I'll keep my eye on <span class="smcap">Joseph</span> in the orchard.<br /> +[<i>She invites him with a gesture to follow.</i></p> + + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>earnestly</i>). Nay, Mother, here I'll stay till you have done.<br /> +Temptation it is ever best to shun!</p> + +<p><i>Joe's M.</i> So laudable his wish, I would not cross it—<br /> +(<i>Mysteriously.</i>) He knows not there are jam-pots in yon +closet!</p> + +<p><i>Chorus.</i> Away we go tripping,<br /> +From boughs to be stripping<br /> +Each pear, plum, and pippin<br /> +Pomona supplies!<br /> + +When homeward we've brought 'em,<br /> +Those products of Autumn,<br /> +We'll carefully sort 'em<br /> +(<i>One of our old Music-hall rhymes</i>),<br /> +According to size! [<i>Repeat as they caper +out.</i></p> + +<p>[<span class="smcap">Joe's</span> Mother, <i>after one fond, lingering look behind, follows: the +voices are heard more and more faintly in the distance. Stage +darkens; the last ray of sunset illumines key of jam-cupboard +door.</i></p> + +<p><i>Joe.</i> At last I am alone! Suppose I tried<br /> +That cupboard—just to see what's kept inside?<br /> +[<i>Seems drawn towards it by some fatal fascination.</i><br /> +There <i>might</i> be Guava jelly, and a plummy cake,<br /> +For such a prize I'd laugh to scorn a stomach-ache!<br /> +[<i>Laughs a stomach-ache to scorn.</i><br /> +And yet (<i>hesitating</i>) who knows?—a pill?... perchance—a powder!<br /> +(<i>Desperately</i>). What then? To scorn I'll laugh them—even +louder!</p> + +<p>[<i>Fetches chair and unlocks cupboard. Doors fall open with loud +clang, revealing Interior of Jam Closet</i> (<i>painted by</i> <span class="smcap">Hawes +Craven</span>). <span class="smcap">Joe</span> <i>mounts chair to explore shelves. Vide poem, +"How sorry I am, He ate raspberry jam, And currants that +stood on the shelf!"</i></p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>speaking with mouth full, and back to audience</i>). 'Tis raspberry—of all the jams my favourite;<br /> +I'll clear the pot, whate'er I have to pay for it!<br /> +And finish up with currants from this shelf....<br /> +Who'll ever see me?</p> + +<p><i>The Demon of the Jam Closet</i> (<i>rising slowly from an immense +pot of preserves</i>). None—except Myself!</p> + +<p>[<i>The cupboard is lit up by an infernal glare</i> (<i>courteously lent by the +Lyceum Management from "Faust" properties</i>)<i>; weird music;</i> +<span class="smcap">Joe</span> <i>turns slowly and confronts the Demon with awestruck eyes;</i> +N.B.—<i>Great opportunity for powerful acting here.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Demon</i> (<i>with a bland sneer</i>). Pray don't mind +<i>me</i>—I will await your leisure.</p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>automatically</i>). Of your acquaintance, Sir, I've not +the pleasure.<br /> +Who <i>are</i> you? Wherefore have you intervened?</p> + +<p><i>The Demon</i> (<i>quietly</i>). My name is "Jim-Jam"; +occupation—fiend.</p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>cowering limply on his chair</i>). O Mr. Fiend, I +<i>know</i> it's very wrong of me!</p> + +<p><i>Demon</i> (<i>politely</i>). Don't mention it—but please to come +"along of" me?</p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>imploringly</i>). Do let me off this once,—ha! you're +relenting,<br /> +You smile——</p> + +<p><i>Demon</i> (<i>grimly</i>). 'Tis nothing but my jam fermenting!<br /> +[<i>Catches</i> <span class="smcap">Joe's</span> <i>ankle, and assists +him to descend.</i></p> + +<p><i>Joe.</i> You'll drive me mad!</p> + +<p><i>Demon</i> (<i>carelessly</i>). I <i>may</i>—before I've done with +you!</p> + +<p><i>Joe.</i> What do you want?</p> + +<p><i>Demon</i> (<i>darkly</i>). To have a little fun with you!<br /> +Of fiendish humour now I'll give a specimen.</p> + +<p>[<i>Chases him round and round Stage, and proceeds to smear him +hideously with jam.</i></p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>piteously</i>). Oh, don't! I feel <i>so</i> sticky. +<i>What</i> a mess I'm in!</p> + +<p><i>Demon</i> (<i>with affected sympathy</i>). That <i>is</i> the worst of jam—it's apt to stain you.<br /> +[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Joe</span>, <i>as he frantically endeavours to remove the traces of his crime.</i><br /> +I see you're busy—so I'll not detain you!</p> + +<p>[<i>Vanishes down star-trap with a diabolical laugh. Cupboard-doors +close with a clang; all lights down.</i> <span class="smcap">Joe</span> <i>stands gazing blankly +for some moments, and then drags himself off Stage. His +Mother and</i> <span class="smcap">John</span>, <i>with Pear- and Plum-gatherers bearing laden +baskets, appear at doors at back of Scene, in faint light of +torches.</i></p> + +<p><i>Re-enter Joe</i> (<i>bearing a candle and wringing his hands</i>). Out, +jammed spot! What—will these hands <i>never</i> be clean? Here's +the smell of the raspberry jam still! All the powders of Gregory +cannot unsweeten this little hand.... (<i>Moaning.</i>) Oh, oh, oh!</p> + +<p>[<i>This passage has been accused of bearing too close a resemblance to +one in a popular Stage Play; if so, the coincidence is purely +accidental, as the Dramatist is not in the habit of reading such +profane literature.</i></p> + +<p><i>Joe's Mother.</i> Ah! what an icy dread my heart benumbs!<br /> +See—stains on all his fingers, <i>and</i> his thumbs!</p> + +<p>"What <span class="smcap">Joe</span> was about, His Mother found out, When she look'd at his fingers +and thumbs."—<i>Poem again.</i></p> + +<p>Nay, <span class="smcap">Joseph</span>—'tis your mother ... speak to +her!</p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>tonelessly, as before</i>). Lady, I know you not (<i>touches lower +part of waistcoat</i>); but, prithee, undo this button. I think I have +jam in all my veins, and I would fain sleep. When I am gone, lay +me in a plain white jelly-pot, with a parchment cover, and on the +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 5]</span> +label write——but come nearer, I have a secret for your ear alone +... there are strange things in some cupboards! Demons should +keep in the dust-bin. (<i>With a ghastly smile.</i>) I know not what ails +me, but I am not feeling at all well.</p> + +<p>[<span class="smcap">Joe's</span> Mother <i>stands a few steps from him, with her hands twisted in +her hair, and stares at him in speechless terror.</i></p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>to the Chorus</i>). I would shake hands with you all, were not +my fingers so sticky. We eat marmalade, but we know not what it +is made of. Hush! if <span class="smcap">Jim-Jam</span> comes again, tell him that I am not +at home. Loo-loo-loo!</p> + +<p><i>All</i> (<i>with conviction</i>). Some shock has turned his +brine!</p> + +<p><i>Joe</i> (<i>sitting down on floor, and weaving straws in his hair</i>). My +curse upon him that invented jam. Let us all play Tibbits.</p> + +<p>[<i>Laughs vacantly: all gather round him, shaking their heads, his</i> +Mother <i>falls fainting at his feet, as Curtain falls upon a strong +and moral, though undeniably gloomy dénoûment.</i></p> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<h2 class="sans">THE SAVOYARDS.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan's</span> +<i>Gondoliers</i> deserves to rank immediately after <i>The Mikado</i> +and <i>Pinafore</i> bracketed. The <i>mise-en-scène</i> is in every way +about as perfect as it is possible to be. Every writer of +<i>libretti</i>, every dramatist and every composer, must envy the Two +Savoyards, their rare opportunities of putting their own work on their +own stage, and being like the two Kings in this piece, jointly and +equally monarchs of all they survey, though, unlike these two +potentates, they are not their subjects' servants, and have only to +consider what is best for the success of their piece, and to have it +carried out, whatever it is, literally regardless of expense. And what +does their work amount to? Simply a Two-Act Opera, to play +two-hours-and-a-half, for the production of which they have practically +a whole year at their disposal. They can go as near commanding success +as is given to mortal dramatist and composer, and for any comparative +failure they can have no one to blame but themselves, the pair of +them.</p> + +<div id="img005a"> +<a href="images/ill-005a.png"> +<img src="images/ill-005a-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="287" height="450" /> +</a> +<p>"Once upon a time there were two Kings."</p> +</div> + +<p>Whatever the piece may be, it is always a pleasure to see how +thoroughly the old hands at the Savoy enter into "the fun of the +thing," and, as in the case of Miss <span class="smcap">Jessie Bond</span> and Mr. <span class="smcap">Rutland +Barrington</span>, absolutely carry the audience with them by sheer +exuberance of spirits.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Rutland Barrington</span> possesses a ready wit and keen appreciation +of humour; and, as this is true also of Miss <span class="smcap">Jessie Bond</span>, +the couple, being thoroughly in their element with such parts as +<i>The Gondoliers</i> provide for them, legitimately graft their own fun +on the plentiful stock already supplied by the author, and are literally +the life and soul of the piece.</p> + +<p>On the night I was there a Miss <span class="smcap">Norah +Phyllis</span> took Miss <span class="smcap">Ulmar's</span> part +of <i>Gianetta</i>, and played it, at short notice, admirably. She +struck me as bearing a marked facial resemblance to Miss <span +class="smcap">Fortesque</span>, and is a decided acquisition. +Mr. <span class="smcap">Denny</span>, as the Grand Inquisitor (a part +that recalls the Lord High Chancellor of the ex-Savoyard, <span +class="smcap">George Grossmith</span>, now entertaining "on his +own hook"), doesn't seem to be a born Savoyard, <i>non nascitur</i> and +<i>non fit</i> at present. Good he is, of course, but there's no +spontaneity about him. However, for an eccentric comedian merely to do +exactly what he is told, and nothing more, yet to do that, little or +much, well, is a performance that would meet with <i>Hamlet's</i> +approbation, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Gilbert's</span>. Mr. <span +class="smcap">Frank Wyatt</span>, as "the new boy" at the Savoy +School, doesn't, as yet, seem quite happy; but it cannot be expected +that he should feel "quite at home," when he has only recently arrived +at a new school.</p> + +<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Brandram</span> is a thorough Savoyard; +<i>nihil tetigit quod non ornavit</i>, and her embroidery of a part +which it is fair to suppose was written to suit her, is done in her own +quaint and quiet fashion.</p> + +<div id="img005b"> +<a href="images/ill-005b.png"> +<img src="images/ill-005b-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="320" height="350" /> +</a> +<p>Rutland Pooh-Bah-rington, after signing his +re-engagement, takes his Bond, and sings, "Again we come to the +Savoy."</p> +</div> + +<p>A fantastically and humorous peculiarly Gilbertian idea is the +comparison between a visit to the dentist's, and an interview with the +questioners by the rack, suggested by the Grand Inquisitor Don <span +class="smcap">Alhambra</span> who says that the nurse is waiting +in the torture-chamber, but that there is no hurry for him to go and +examine her, as she is all right and "has all the illustrated +papers."</p> + +<div id="img005c"> +<a href="images/ill-005c.png"> +<img src="images/ill-005c-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="285" height="350" /> +</a> +<p class="center">George Grossmith on his own Hook.</p> +</div> + +<p>There are ever so many good things in the Opera, but the best of all, +for genuinely humorous inspiration of words, music and acting, is the +quartette in the Second Act, "In a contemplative fashion." It is +excellent. Thank goodness, <i>encores</i> are disencouraged, except +where there can be "No possible sort of doubt, No possible doubt +whatever" (also a capital song in this piece) as to the unanimity of the +enthusiasm. There is nothing in the music that catches the ear on a +first hearing as did "<i>The Three Little Maids</i>," or "<i>I've got a +Song to Sing O!</i>" but it is all charming, and the masterly +orchestration in its fulness and variety is something that the least +technically educated can appreciate and enjoy. The piece is so brilliant +to eye and ear, that there is never a dull moment on the stage or off +it. It is just one of those simple <i>Bab-Ballady</i> stories which, +depending for its success not on any startling surprise in the plot, but +on general excellence, may, especially on account of the music, be +safely put down on the play-goer's list for "a second hearing."</p> + +<blockquote> +<p><span class="smcap">Christmas Box.</span></p> +</blockquote> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<h2>RUSSIAN ART.</h2> + +<p>From <i>The Morning Post</i>, last week, we learn that the Russian +Imperial Academy of Arts, has passed a law prohibiting Jews to +become members of its artistic body. By the Nose of <i>Mr. Punch</i>, +but this is too bad, and too bigoted for any century, let alone the +"so-called Nineteenth." If such a rule, or rather such an exception, +could have been possible in England within the last twenty years, +what a discouragement it would have been for all the Royal Academicians, +who would thereby <i>have lost Hart!</i> Dear good old <span class="smcap">Solomon</span>! +He was a poor <span class="smcap">Hart</span> that often rejoiced, and if he was not +the best painter in the world, he was just about the worst punster. +We hope to hear that our Royal Academicians, with their large-hearted +and golden-tongued President at their head, will send a +friendly expostulation to their Russian Brothers in oil, and obtain +the abrogation of this unreasonable legislation, which is one effect +of an anti-semitic cyclone, fit only for the <i>Jew-ventus Mundi</i>, but +not for the world at its maturity.</p> + +<hr class="quarter"/> + +<blockquote> +<p>"<span class="smcap">Dot and go One</span>"—no, see <i>Dot</i>, and go several times again to +see our <span class="smcap">Johnnie Toole</span> at his own Theatre, before he leaves for the +Antipodes. The good old farce of <i>Toole in the Pigskin</i> is well-mounted, +and is, of course, one of the pieces on which he will rely, +as especially appropriate to Horse-tralia.</p> +</blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. 6]</p> +<div id="img006"> +<a href="images/ill-006.png"> +<img src="images/ill-006-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="700" height="458" /> +</a> +<h3>FRESH TO THE COUNTRY.</h3> + +<p><i>Young Lady.</i> "<span class="smcap">Can you tell me where the +Meet is</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Butcher's Boy</i> (<i>a recent importation from London</i>). +"<span class="smcap">Yes, Mum. I jist took it hup to the 'All this +mornin'</span>!"</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<h2>THE START.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span><span class="smcap">Off!</span> Yes; but inexperienced feet,</span> +<span>With pace that's fast and a style that's neat,</span> +<span class="in1em">At first can scarcely be expected</span> +<span>O'er frozen waters to glide and fleet.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"<i>Have them on, Sir?</i>" Old Time was there,</span> +<span>With the shining steels and the ready chair.</span> +<span class="in1em">His latest pupil is passing yonder,</span> +<span>No more the ice-locked waters to dare.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span><i>His</i> feet are tired and his knees are stiff,</span> +<span><i>His</i> breath comes low in a wheezy whiff.</span> +<span class="in1em">He'll now "lay up," like a worn-out wherry.</span> +<span>'Tis yours to start like a new-launched skiff.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>How many a novice that Skate-man old</span> +<span>Has helped to onset alert and bold!</span> +<span class="in1em">How many a veteran worn seen vanish,</span> +<span>Aching with effort and pinched with cold!</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>And you, young novice, 'tis now your turn</span> +<span>Your skates to try and your steps to learn.</span> +<span class="in1em">You long to fly like the skimming swallow,</span> +<span>To brave the breathless "scurry" you burn.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>He knows, he knows, your aged guide!</span> +<span>The screws are fixed, and the straps are tied,</span> +<span class="in1em">And he looks sharp out for the shambling stagger,</span> +<span>The elbows wobbling, the knees too wide.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>But boyhood's hopeful, and youth has pluck;</span> +<span>And now, when scarcely your steel hath struck</span> +<span class="in1em">The slithery ice in your first bold venture,</span> +<span><i>Punch</i>, friendly watcher, will wish you luck!</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>He too has seen some novices start,</span> +<span>And knows, however you play your part,</span> +<span class="in1em">The "outside edge," and attendant perils,</span> +<span>Will tax your sinews and test your heart.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>But most on the ice does the old saw hold—</span> +<span>"Be bold, be bold, but be not <i>too</i> bold!"</span> +<span class="in1em">Though there's many a rotten patch marked "Danger!"</span> +<span>Young hearts are warm if the weather be cold.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>Bravo, youngster! Steady! Strike out!</span> +<span>Caution, yes, but not palsying doubt.</span> +<span class="in1em">Courage! and you—ere your course you finish—</span> +<span>May beat "Fish" <span class="smcap">Smart</span> at a flying bout!</span> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<h2>ROBERT'S KRISMUS HIM.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>How werry warious is the reasons why</span> +<span class="in1em">We welcoms Crismus with a ringing cheer!</span> +<span>The Skoolboy nos his hollidays is nigh,</span> +<span class="in1em">And treats the hale stout Porter to sum Beer.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>The Cook and Ousemaid smiles upon the Baker,</span> +<span class="in1em">Who takes his little fee without no blush,</span> +<span>Likewise upon the Butcher and Shoo Maker</span> +<span class="in1em">Who makes their calls dispite the Sno or Slush.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>The Dustman cums a crying out for "Dust,"</span> +<span class="in1em">But nos full well that isn't wot he seeks,</span> +<span>And gits his well-earned shilling with the fust,</span> +<span class="in1em">And smiles on Mary as his thanks he speaks.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>The Groser smart, as likewise his Green Brother,</span> +<span class="in1em">In their best close cums with a modest ring,</span> +<span>And having got their orders, one and tother,</span> +<span class="in1em">Smilingly asks for jest one other thing.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>The Postman's dubbel nock cums to each door,</span> +<span class="in1em">Whether he has a Letter got or no,</span> +<span>The stingy Master thinks his call a bore,</span> +<span class="in1em">And gives his paltry shilling werry slow.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>The jowial Waiter shows unwonted joy!</span> +<span class="in1em">And hails his Crismus with becoming glee!</span> +<span>Knowing full well <i>his</i> plezzurs newer cloy,</span> +<span class="in1em">Who gets from ewery Gest a dubble fee!</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>Why are not all men like the jowial Waiter,</span> +<span class="in1em">Allers content with what kind Fortune brings,</span> +<span>Whether it's Turtel Soop or a meer tater,</span> +<span class="in1em">He sets a pattern to Lord Mares and Kings.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>Then let us all while Crismus time we're keeping,</span> +<span class="in1em">Whether we barsks in fortune's smile or frown,</span> +<span>Be thankful for the harwest we are reaping,</span> +<span class="in1em">And give a thort to them whose luck is down.</span> +</div> +</div> + +<blockquote> +<p><span class="smcap">Robert.</span></p> +</blockquote> + +<hr class="half" /> +<blockquote> +<p><span class="smcap">Historical Parallels.</span>—Two Directories. +The French <i>Directoire</i> was a short-lived stopgap of not unmixed +benefit to France, but our English Directory, yclept <span +class="smcap">Kelly's</span>, for 1890, +directorily, or indirectorily, supplies all our wants, comes always "as +a boon and a blessing to men," and is within a decade of becoming a hale +and hearty centenarian. <i>Vivat</i> <span +class="smcap">Kelly</span>!</p> +</blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. 7]</p> +<div id="img007"> +<a href="images/ill-007.png"> +<img src="images/ill-007-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="700" height="539" /> +</a> +<h3>THE START.</h3> +</div> + +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. 8]</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. 9]</p> + +<h2 class="sans">UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS.</h2> + +<p class="in3em">"Très volontiers," repartit le démon. "Vous aimez les tableaux +changeans: je veux vous contenter."</p> + +<p class="ralign"><i>Le Diable Boiteux.</i></p> + +<div id="img009"> +<a href="images/ill-009.png"> +<img src="images/ill-009-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="400" height="345" /> +</a> +</div> + +<p class="center">XV.</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span><span class="smcap">Down</span> through the night we drifted slow, the rays</span> +<span>From London's countless gas-jets starred the haze</span> +<span class="in2em">O'er which we darkly hovered.</span> +<span>Broad loomed the bulk of <span class="smcap">Wren's</span> colossal dome</span> +<span>Through the grey mist, which, like a sea of foam,</span> +<span class="in2em">The sleeping city covered.</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"The year," the Shadow murmured, "nears its close.</span> +<span>Lo! how they swarm in slumber, friends and foes,</span> +<span class="in2em">Kindred and utter strangers,</span> +<span>The millions of this Babylon, stretched beneath</span> +<span>The shroud of night, and drawing peaceful breath,</span> +<span class="in2em">Unstirred by dreads and dangers."</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"But not by dreams," I answered, "Canst reveal,</span> +<span>O Shade, the vagrant thoughts that throng and steal</span> +<span class="in2em">About these countless pillows?</span> +<span>Or are these sleeping souls as shut to thee</span> +<span>As is the unsounded silence of the sea</span> +<span class="in2em">To those who brave its billows?"</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Dreams?" smiled the Shadow. "What I see right well</span> +<span>Your eyes may not behold. Yet can I tell</span> +<span class="in2em">Their import as unravelled</span> +<span>By subtler sense, whilst through these souls they pass!</span> +<span>What said the demon to <i>Don Cléophas</i></span> +<span class="in2em">As o'er Madrid they travelled?</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Such dreams as haunt us near the glimmering morn</span> +<span>Shadow forth truth; these through the Gates of Horn</span> +<span class="in2em">Find passage to the sleeper.</span> +<span>Prophetic? Nay! But sense therein may read</span> +<span>The heart's desire, in pangs of love or greed;</span> +<span class="in2em">What divination deeper?</span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Yon Statesman, struggling in the nightmare's grip,</span> +<span>Fears he has let Time's scanty forelock slip,</span> +<span class="in2em">And lost a great occasion</span> +<span>Of self-advancement. How that mouth's a-writhe</span> +<span>With hate, on platforms oft so blandly blithe</span> +<span class="in2em">In golden-tongued persuasion!</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"He, blindly blundering, as through baffling mist,</span> +<span>Is a professional philanthropist,</span> +<span class="in2em">Rosy-gilled, genial, hearty.</span> +<span>A mouthing Friend of Man. He dreams he's deep</span> +<span>In jungles of self-interest, where creep</span> +<span class="in2em">Sleuth-hounds of creed and party.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"That sleek-browed sleeper? 'Tis the Great Pooh-pooh,</span> +<span>The 'Mugwump' of the <i>Weekly Whillaloo</i>,</span> +<span class="in2em">A most superior creature;</span> +<span>Too high for pity and too cold for wrath;</span> +<span>The pride of dawdlers on the Higher Path</span> +<span class="in2em">Suffuses every feature.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Contemptuous, he, of clamorous party strife,</span> +<span>And all the hot activities of life;</span> +<span class="in2em">But most the Politician</span> +<span>He mocks—for 'meanness.' How the prig would gasp</span> +<span>If shown the slime-trail of that wriggling asp</span> +<span class="in2em">In his own haunts Elysian!</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"He dreams Creation, cleared of vulgar noise,</span> +<span>Is dedicate to calm æsthetic joys,</span> +<span class="in2em">That he is limply lolling</span> +<span>Amidst the lilies that toil not nor spin,</span> +<span>Given quite to dandy scorn, and dainty sin,</span> +<span class="in2em">And languor, and 'log-rolling.'</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"The head which on that lace-trimmed pillow lies</span> +<span>Is fair as Psyche's. Yes, those snow-veiled eyes</span> +<span class="in2em">Look Dian-pure and saintly.</span> +<span>Sure no Aholibah could own those lips,</span> +<span>Through whose soft lusciousness the bland breath slips</span> +<span class="in2em">So fragrantly and faintly.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"That up-curved arm which bears the silken knot</span> +<span>Of dusky hair, is it more free from blot</span> +<span class="in2em">Than is her soul who slumbers?</span> +<span>Her visions? Of 'desirable young men,'</span> +<span>Who crowd round her like swine round Circe's pen</span> +<span class="in2em">In ever-swelling numbers.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Of Love? Nay, but of lovers. Love's a lean</span> +<span>And impecunious urchin; lovers mean</span> +<span class="in2em">Gifts, worship, triumph—Money!</span> +<span>The Golden Apple is the fruit to witch</span> +<span>Our modern Atalantas. To be rich,</span> +<span class="in2em">Live on life's milk and honey;</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Stir crowds, charm royalties,—these are the things</span> +<span>Psyche most cares for, not her radiant wings</span> +<span class="in2em">Or Cupid's shy caresses.</span> +<span>She dreams of conquests that a world applauds,</span> +<span>Or a Stage-wardrobe with a thousand gauds,</span> +<span class="in2em">And half-a-hundred dresses.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Not so, that other sleeper, stretched at length,</span> +<span>A spectre stripped of charm and shorn of strength,</span> +<span class="in2em">In yon dismantled chamber.</span> +<span>Dreams she of girlhood's couch, the lavender</span> +<span>Of country sheets, a roof where pigeons whirr</span> +<span class="in2em">And creamy roses clamber?</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Of him the red-faced swain whose rounded eyes</span> +<span>Dwelt on her charms in moony ecstacies?</span> +<span class="in2em">Of pride, of shame, of sorrow?</span> +<span>Nay, of what now seems Nature's crowning good;</span> +<span>Hunger-wrought dreams are hers of food—food—food.</span> +<span class="in2em">She'll wake from them to-morrow;</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Wake fiercely famishing, savagely sick,</span> +<span>The animal in man is quick, so quick</span> +<span class="in2em">To stir and claim full forage.</span> +<span>Let famine parch the hero's pallid lips,</span> +<span>Pinch Beauty's breast, then watch the swift eclipse</span> +<span class="in2em">Of virtue, sweetness, courage!</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Cynical? Sense leaves that to callow youth</span> +<span>And callous age; plain picturing of the truth</span> +<span class="in2em">Seems cynical,—to folly.</span> +<span>Friend, the true cynic is the shallow mime</span> +<span>Who paints humanity devoid of crime,</span> +<span class="in2em">And life supremely 'jolly,'</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"See such an one, in scented sheets a-loll!</span> +<span>Rich fare and rosy wine have lapped his soul</span> +<span class="in2em">In a <i>bon-vivant's</i> slumbers.</span> +<span>His pen lies there, the ink is scarcely dry</span> +<span>With which he sketched the smug philosophy</span> +<span class="in2em">Of Cant and Christmas Numbers.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"He dreams of—holly, home, exuberant hearts,</span> +<span>Picturesque poverty, the toys and tarts</span> +<span class="in2em">Of childhood's hope?—No, verily!</span> +<span>'Tis a dream-world of pleasure, power, and pelf,</span> +<span>Visions of the apocalypse of Self,</span> +<span class="in2em">O'er which his soul laughs merrily."</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Enough!" I cried. "The morning's earliest gleams</span> +<span>Will soon dissolve this pageantry of dreams.</span> +<span class="in2em">The New Year's at our portals.</span> +<span>Unselfishness, and purity, and hope,</span> +<span>Dawn with it through the dream-world's cloudy cope,</span> +<span class="in2em">Even on slumbering mortals."</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span>"Granted," the Shadow answered. "Poppy-Land</span> +<span>Is not <i>all</i> Appetite and Humbug bland.</span> +<span class="in2em">Myriads of night-capped noddles</span> +<span>We must leave unexplored. Their owners oft</span> +<span>Are saints austere, or sympathisers soft,</span> +<span class="in2em">Truth's types and Virtue's models!"</span> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="center">(<i>To be continued.</i>)</p> + +<hr class="half"/> + +<h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Preparing to meet an Epidemic.</span>—If you sit +all day in your great coat, muffled up to the eyes in a woollen +comforter and with your feet in constantly replenished mustard and hot +water, as you propose, you will certainly be prepared, when it makes its +appearance, to encounter the attack of the Russian Epidemic Influenza, +that you so much dread. Your idea of taking a dose of some advertised +Patent Medicine every other hour, as a preventive, is by no means a bad +one, and your resolution to shut yourself up in your house, see no +friends, open no letters, read no newspapers, and live entirely on +tinned meats for three months, might possibly secure you from the +chances of an attack; but on the whole we should rather advise you to +carry out your plan of leaving the country altogether and seeking a +temporary asylum in South Central Africa until you are assured that the +contagion has blown over, as the preferable one. Anyhow you might try +it. Meanwhile, certainly drench your clothes with disinfectants, fill +your hat with cotton wool steeped in spirits of camphor, and if you meet +any friends in the street, prevent them addressing you, by keeping them +at arm's-length with your walking-stick, or, better still, if you have +it with you, your opened umbrella. They may or they may not understand +your motive, and when they do, though they may not respect you for your +conduct, it is just possible that they may not seriously resent it. Your +precautionary measures, if scrupulously carried out, should certainly +ensure your safety. Put them in hand at once, and be sure you let us +hear from you next Spring informing us, on the whole, how you have got +on.</p> + +<hr class="half"/> + +<blockquote> +<p><span class="smcap">What Pocket-Books to Get.</span>—Mark us; +<span class="smcap">Ward's</span>.</p> +</blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. 10]</p> + +<div id="img010"> +<a href="images/ill-010.png"> +<img src="images/ill-010-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="700" height="469" /> +</a> +<h3>HUNTING HINTS.——HOW TO KEEP THE THING GOING DURING A SNOW.</h3> +</div> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<h2 class="sans">OUR BOOKING-OFFICE</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span><span class="smcap">The Baron's</span> Booking-Office is still decked about with holly,</span> +<span>For the Season that at any rate's conventionally "jolly,"</span> +<span>Is by no means wholly over, and the very hard-worked Baron</span> +<span>Feels rather like a sort of tired-out literary Charon,</span> +<span>With an over-laden ferry-boat, and passengers too numerous.</span> +<span>For seasonable "novelties"—and "notions" quaint and humorous</span> +<span>Still crowd on him, and claim his constant critical attention,</span> +<span>Some may escape his notice, but a few more he must mention</span> +<span><span class="smcap">Marcus Ward's</span> are good as usual, and his "Christmas Cheque Book"'s funny;</span> +<span>Though rather a sardonic "sell" to parties short of money.</span> +<span><span class="smcap">Castell Brothers'</span> Cards are charming, but the words "Printed in Germany,"</span> +<span>The patriotic Baron irk, or may he turn a Merman! He</span> +<span>Can't see why pictured prettiness should be beyond <i>home</i>-printing.</span> +<span>He doesn't want to dogmatise, but really can't help <i>hinting!</i></span> +<span><i>Scout's Head</i>, by <span class="smcap">Langbridge</span>, boys will like. <span class="smcap">Jerome K. Jerome's</span> <i>Stage-Land</i>,</span> +<span>Which <span class="smcap">Bernard Partridge</span> illustrates, might tickle e'en the sage land</span> +<span>Of Puritan Philistia at Clapham-Rise or Barnsbury.</span> +<span>And now let us the memory of Christmas Cards and yarns bury</span> +<span>In a right bowl of stingo, in the which the Baron cheerily</span> +<span>Drinks to his readers heartily, sincerely, and Happy-New-Year-ily!</span> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Once upon a time Mr. <span class="smcap">Lewis Carroll</span> wrote a marvellously grotesque, +fantastic, and humorous book called <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>, +and on another occasion he wrote <i>Through the Looking-Glass</i>, in +which <i>Alice</i> reappeared, and then the spring of Mr. <span class="smcap">Lewis Carroll's</span> +fanciful humour apparently dried up, for he has done nothing +since worth mentioning in the same breath with his two first works; +and if his writings have been by comparison watery, unlike water, +they have never risen by inherent quality to their original level. +Of his latest book, called <i>Sylvie and Bruno</i>, I can make neither head +nor tale. It seems a muddle of all sorts, including a little bit of +Bible thrown in. It will be bought, because <span class="smcap">Lewis Carroll's</span> name +is to it, and it will be enjoyed for the sake of Mr. <span class="smcap">Furniss's</span> excellent +illustrations, but for no other reason, that I can see. I feel +inclined to carol to <span class="smcap">Carroll</span>, "O don't you remember sweet <span class="smcap">Alice</span>?" +and, if so, please be good enough to wake her up again, if you can.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">M. Fréderic Mayer's</span> International Almanack takes my breath +away. It is overwhelmingly international. Most useful to the +International Theatre-goer, as there are plans of all the principal +theatres in Europe, with the seats numbered, so that you have only +to wire (answer paid) to the Théâtre Français for <i>fauteuil d'orchestre</i> +Number 20, to Drury Lane in the same way, to the Operahaus, Berlin +("Open Haus" sounds so internationally hospitable) for <i>Parquet</i> +Number 200 (so as to get a good view), to the Wallner Theater, Berlin, +for something of the same sort, or to La Scala, Milan, for the sixth +<i>Sedie d'orchestra</i> on the left (as the numbers are not given—why?) +and you'll be accommodated. Then with ease the internationalist +can learn when the Moon is full, <i>Pleine Lune</i>, <i>Vollmond</i>, <i>Luna Piena</i> +and <i>Luna Ilena</i> in five languages. The Italian, the Spaniard, the +French, the Englishman, the German and the Dutchman can find +out all about the different watering-places of Europe, each one in +his own native tongue, and all about "the Court of Arches" in +London and Madrid. There is the Jewish and also the Mahommedan +Calendar, but I see nothing about the Greek Kalends. I am +not quite sure that the Bulgarians will be quite satisfied, and I +should say, that the Aborigines of Central Africa will have a distinct +grievance, which <span class="smcap">M. Fréderic Mayer</span> will rectify after an interview +with Mr. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. It's a wonderful production, and as it gives +postal rates and cab-fares in ever so many languages, it will be of +great practical value to the traveller. But no list of cab-fares is +perfect without a model row with the driver in eight languages, +including some bad language and directions as to the shortest route +to the nearest police court.</p> + +<p>Our good Doctor <span class="smcap">Roose</span> <i>in urbe</i>, has just published a <i>brochure</i>, +dealing with the origin, treatment, and prevention (for there is +apparently no cure) of the fell disease to which, and for a multitude of +whose victims, Father <span class="smcap">Damien</span> died a martyr. If in the Doctor's treatment +of this subject after his own peculiar fashion <i>à la</i> <span class="smcap">Roose</span>, he can +help to alleviate present suffering and materially assist the crusade +now being undertaken against this common enemy, he will have +contributed his share of energy in starting 1890 hopefully.</p> + +<p>Those who suffer from indigestion at this festive season, and wish +to intensify the effects of the malady, will do well to read a new +book entitled <i>Master of his Fate</i>, by <span class="smcap">J. MacLaren Cobban</span>, who, if +he does not write well, that is, judging his style from a hypercritical +purist's point of view, yet contrives to interest you with a story +almost as sensational as that of <i>Hyde and Jekyl</i>. The <i>Master of his +Fate</i> might have had for its second title, <i>Or, The Accomplished +Modern Vampire</i>, the hero being a sort of a vampire, but not one of +the good old school.</p> + +<p class="ralign"><span class="smcap">Baron De Book-Worms & Co.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="pagenum">[Pg. 11]</p> +<div id="img011"> +<a href="images/ill-011.png"> +<img src="images/ill-011-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="700" height="459" /> +</a> +<h3 class="sans">"THE SERVANTS."</h3> + +<p><i>Lady Patroness</i> (<i>Registry Office of Charitable Society</i>). +"<span class="smcap">And why are you leaving your present +Place?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Small Applicant.</i> "<span class="smcap">Please, 'M, the Lady said +she can do with a less experienced Servant!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<h2>AMONG THE AMATEURS.</h2> + +<p class="center">No. II.—PREPARATION.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—<i>The Theatre of the provincial town of Blankbury. A +company of Amateurs, the "Thespian Wanderers," are rehearsing +the well-known Comedy of "Heads or Tails?" Amongst +them are our friends</i> <span class="smcap">Buckstone Boldero, Tiffington +Spinks, Charlie Gushby</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry Hall</span>. <i>Besides these, +we may note</i> Colonel <span class="smcap">Thomas Clumk</span>, <i>an ex-military +Amateur, who devotes more time to acting small parts and talking +big about them than he ever did to soldiering. Then there is</i> +<span class="smcap">Andrew Jarp</span>, <i>a portly and elderly partner in a considerable +firm of Solicitors, and an actor who, by long practice, has grown +perfect in the part of a Family Butler. His office is in the City, and +he drives down to it every morning in a private brougham, fitted +with a looking-glass, by the help of which he studies the air and +deportment characteristic of a modern Seneschal. He is a man +of few words, off as well as on the stage; but his eyes flash fury +if he hears his favourite Art derided by the scoffer.</i> <span class="smcap">Horatio +Spuffil</span> <i>is also in the cast. He has dabbled in literature, +but has lately abandoned such frivolity, and been elected a +Member of the London County Council. A few rising Amateur +Supers complete the male portion of the cast. The Ladies' parts +are played by professional Actresses, of the Theatres Royal +generally, who happen to be, as they pleasantly express it in +their advertisements in the "Era," "resting"</i>—Miss <span class="smcap">Dorothy +Shuttle</span>, Miss <span class="smcap">Amelia Slimper</span>, <i>who are new to the Amateurs,</i> +and <span class="smcap">Kitty Larkings</span>, <i>who has "assisted" the "Thespian Wanderers" +before.</i> <span class="smcap">Boldero</span> <i>is Stage Manager. The Stage is +occupied by</i> <span class="smcap">Spinks</span> (<i>as</i> Colonel <span class="smcap">Debenham</span>, <i>a retired Indian +Officer</i>), <span class="smcap">Gushby</span> (<i>as</i> <span class="smcap">Tom Tilbury</span>, <i>a comic Country Squire</i>), +<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dorothy Shuttle</span> (<i>as</i> <span class="smcap">Belinda</span>, <i>Nurserymaid in the family +of</i> Lord <i>and</i> Lady <span class="smcap">Shorthorn</span>, <i>represented respectively by</i> +<span class="smcap">Boldero</span> <i>and</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Amelia</span>). +</p> + +<p><i>Boldero</i> (<i>from the front of the house</i>). Stop a moment! You know +we really must settle what we are to do about those two children that +<i>Belinda's</i> got to wheel on in the double perambulator. I asked the +Duchess of <span class="smcap">Middlesex</span> to lend us her twins for a couple of nights, +but she writes to say they've just got the measles. Isn't there any +one here who can help us? [<i>The three Ladies titter.</i></p> + +<p><i>Gushby</i> (<i>in whose breast the leading part played by</i> <span class="smcap">Spinks</span> <i>still +rankles</i>). Why not let <span class="smcap">Spinks</span> do it? He's always wanting to +"double" parts, and here's a splendid chance for him.</p> + +<p><i>Spinks</i> (<i>coldly</i>). That's <i>very</i> funny—really <i>very</i> funny, <span class="smcap">Gushby</span>. +It's a pity "Colonel <span class="smcap">Debenham</span>" (<i>alluding to his own rôle in the +comedy</i>) isn't a <i>clown's</i> part. I'd give it up to you right off, if it +was. Ha, ha! (<i>bitterly</i>).</p> + +<p><i>Colonel Clumk</i>. There's a man in my old regiment who's got two +red-haired brats; but he wants ten shillings a night for 'em.</p> + +<p><i>Boldero.</i> That's pretty stiff. However, I'll inspect them to-morrow. +Let's get on a bit now. Come, <span class="smcap">Spinks</span>!</p> + +<p><i>Spinks.</i> Where were we? (<i>With an air of intense annoyance.</i>) +These constant interruptions put one off so. Oh, yes, I remember. +(<i>Resumes rehearsing the part of</i> "Colonel <span class="smcap">Debenham</span>.") "Nursemaid, +take those squalling infants away. I'm surprised at Lady <span class="smcap">Shorthorn</span> +permitting them in the drawing-room. Wheel them away at +once—at once, I say; or I'll make curry-powder of the lot of you!"</p> + +<p><i>Miss Dorothy Shuttle</i> (<i>as</i> "<span class="smcap">Belinda</span>"). "Well, I'm sure; I never +was so spoken to afore. (<i>To her imaginary children.</i>) Did the +horrid man scold them, then, pretty dears? (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Debenham</span>.) You +a Colonel? You ain't fit to be a General in the Salvation Army. +Imperence!" [<i>Exit, wheeling an imaginary perambulator.</i></p> + +<p><i>Boldero</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>). Excellent! That couldn't have been +done better. When we get the perambulator and the babies, it's +bound to go. (Miss <span class="smcap">Dorothy Shuttle</span> <i>is much pleased, and foresees +several stalls being taken on the occasion of her next benefit.</i>) Now, +then (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Spinks</span>, <i>who thinks it a mistake that a Stage Manager should +stop to praise anybody, with one exception, of course, at rehearsal</i>), +<span class="smcap">Spinks</span>, hurry up a bit, hurry up!</p> + +<p><i>Spinks.</i> My dear <span class="smcap">Boldero</span>, I'm perfectly ready to begin as soon +as ever the talking stops. I know my cues, I fancy; but it's quite +hopeless to get on if <i>everybody</i> wants to talk at the same moment. +(<i>Resumes his part as</i> "Colonel <span class="smcap">Debenham</span>," <i>shaking his fist at the +departing</i> <span class="smcap">Belinda</span>.) "Impertinent minx! (<i>Turns furiously on</i> +<span class="smcap">Gushby</span>, <i>who is on the stage in the character of</i> <span class="smcap">Tilbury</span>, <i>the comic</i> +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 12]</span> +<i>Squire.</i>) And you, Sir, what in the name of fifty thousand jackasses, +do you mean by standing there grinning from ear to ear like a buck +nigger? But I'll not stand it any longer, Sir, not for a moment. +D'ye hear, you miserable turnip-faced bumpkin, d'ye hear?" +(<i>Carried away by histrionic enthusiasm</i>, <span class="smcap">Spinks</span> <i>brings his fist +down violently on the precise spot where a table ought to be, but +is not, standing. As a natural result, he hits himself with much +force on his leg. The others laugh, and the Ladies turn away giggling, +feeling that they ought to be sympathetic. The unfortunate</i> <span class="smcap">Spinks</span> +<i>hurts himself considerably, and is furious. Coming, as it were, right +out of the part, and being temporarily himself again, only in a rage, +he addresses the Stage Manager.</i>) Upon my soul, <span class="smcap">Boldero</span>, this is +perfectly infamous. How often have I begged you to get that table +placed there <i>at all costs</i>, and time after time you forget it. I know +what it is; you want to make me ridiculous. But you'll be d—— +(<i>suddenly remembers that ladies are present, and substitutes a milder +expletive</i>)—confoundedly sorry for yourself when you find I'm +too lame to act, and the whole of your precious piece will be +ruined. You'll none of you get notices worth twopence from the +critics. [<i>Limps up and down the Stage.</i></p> + +<p><i>Miss Amelia Slimper</i> (<i>rather a novice, and anxious to make useful +acquaintances among the distinguished Amateurs—to</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Kitty</span>, +<i>whispering</i>). Are they very keen about notices?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Kitty</i> (<i>experienced in Amateurs</i>). Keen! I should think +they were. They talk about nothing else when it's over.</p> + +<p><i>Boldero</i> (<i>peaceably</i>). Well, <span class="smcap">Spinks</span>, you know you smashed two +tables last week, and I thought we agreed to rehearse without one. +But I'll see it's there next time. Now then, <span class="smcap">Jarp</span>! Where's +<span class="smcap">Jarp</span>? This is his entrance. Where the deuce is he? (<i>Enter</i> +<span class="smcap">Jarp</span> <i>as</i> "Mr. <span class="smcap">Binns</span>, <i>Butler to</i> Lord <span class="smcap">Shorthorn</span>"). Dear me, <span class="smcap">Jarp</span>, +what have you been up to?</p> + +<p><i>Jarp</i> (<i>vexed</i>). What have I been up to? I'll tell you. I've been +learning my part, and it would be a good thing if everybody were to +follow my example, instead of talking all day.</p> + +<p><i>Boldero.</i> <span class="smcap">Jarp</span>, don't be sarcastic. It doesn't suit you. Let's +see if you know your part, after all this.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Jarp</span> (<i>as</i> <span class="smcap">Binns</span>, <i>without moving a muscle</i>). "'Er Ladyship's compliments, +Colonel <span class="smcap">Debenham</span>, and she would like to see +you."</p> + +<p><i>Spinks</i> (<i>as</i> <span class="smcap">Debenham</span>). "Very +well. Tell her I'll come."</p> + +<p><i>Jarp</i> (<i>as</i> <span class="smcap">Binns</span>). "Yes, +Sir."</p> + +<p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Jarp</span> <i>as</i> <span +class="smcap">Binns</span>, <i>but immediately becomes</i> <span +class="smcap">Jarp</span>, <i>and complains to the young Ladies +that these fellows never will rehearse properly. The +professional Ladies sympathise with him, and admit that it is +very provoking, and</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Amelia</span> +<i>takes the opportunity of expressing her confident opinion that +he</i>, <span class="smcap">Jarp</span>, <i>will play his part +admirably, and only wonders that he hasn't got more to do. Then +somehow the conversation wanders towards professional matters, +and the probability of</i> Miss <span +class="smcap">Amelia</span> <i>being engaged next season at a +fashionable London Theatre, &c., &c.</i> </p> + +<p><i>Miss Dorothy</i> (<i>aside, in a whisper, to</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Kitty</span>, <i>alluding to</i> +<span class="smcap">Jarp's</span> <i>recent exit</i>). Is that all he's +got to say?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Kitty</i> (<i>in same tone to</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Dorothy</span>). Not quite. He says, +"'Er Ladyship is served!" in the next Act. A part like that takes +a deal of learning.</p> + +<p>[<i>The rehearsal proceeds.</i> <span class="smcap">Spuffil</span> +<i>does wonders as "a young man about town";</i> Colonel <span +class="smcap">Clumk</span> <i>performs the part of a Country +Clergyman in a manner suggestive rather of a Drill-sergeant than +a Vicar.</i> <span class="smcap">Boldero</span> <i>having +praised</i> <span class="smcap">Spinks</span>, <i>is pronounced +by the latter to be unapproachable as</i> Lord <span +class="smcap">Shorthorn</span>. <i>In the Third Act</i>, <span +class="smcap">Hall</span> <i>sings his song about</i> "the Boy +in Buttons." <i>On the previous day, he had had a difference with</i> +<span class="smcap">Spinks</span> <i>and</i> <span +class="smcap">Boldero</span>. </p> + +<p><i>Boldero.</i> I think that song's out of place. What say you, <span +class="smcap">Spinks</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Spinks.</i> Well, it does sound just a trifle vulgar.</p> + +<p><i>Boldero.</i> Yes. I think we shall have to cut it, <span class="smcap">Hall</span>. It'll do +for next year just as well. You can make it fit any piece?</p> + +<p><i>Hall</i> (<i>pale, but determined</i>). If that song goes, I go too. Oh, yes, +<span class="smcap">Spinks</span>, it's all very well for you to be so blessed polite to <span class="smcap">Boldero</span>, +but you didn't seem to think much of his acting (<i>observes</i> <span class="smcap">Spuffil</span> +<i>smiling</i>) no, nor of <span class="smcap">Spuffil's</span> either, when you spoke to me yesterday: +and as for <span class="smcap">Gushby</span>, why we all know what <span +class="smcap">Gushby</span> is.</p> + +<p class="ralign"> [<i>All join in the fight, which continues for ten minutes.</i> +</p> + +<p><i>Boldero</i> (<i>looking at his watch</i>). Good heavens! we shall miss our +train, and I've promised to look in on <span class="smcap">Irving</span> to-night. He'd never +forgive me if I didn't turn up.</p> + +<p> +[<i>Smiles of quiet intelligence appear on the faces of the other +Amateurs, accompanied with a few winks, which like +"laughter in Court," are "immediately suppressed." +Exeunt omnes, severally, each pleased with himself, and +more or less disgusted with everybody else.</i> +</p> + +<p><i>Miss Amelia</i> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Kitty</span>). What a funny lot! Are they like that +every year?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Kitty.</i> Yes, always. But (<i>confidentially</i>) they do come out +strong for a "ben."</p> + +<p class="ralign"> +[<i>They retire to their lodgings for a little quiet tea and a rest.</i> +</p> + +<hr class="half" /> + +<h2 class="sans">A MID-WINTER'S NIGHT'S DREAM.</h2> + +<div id="img012"> +<a href="images/ill-012.png"> +<img src="images/ill-012-th.png" alt="" +title="Click for larger image." width="700" height="173" /> +</a> +</div> + +<p>Surely <span class="smcap">Augustus Druriolanus</span> has triumphed and beaten the +record! For the last nine years it has been the cry, "There never +was so good a Pantomime as <i>this</i> one," and now again the shout is +repeated. <i>Jack and the Beanstalk</i> is the eleventh of the series, and +the best. "How it is done?" only <span class="smcap">Augustus</span> can answer. The +Annual (no longer, alas! written by the gentle and genial E. L. B.) +has an excellent book. It contains something of all sorts. Now +we have <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> fairy-land with <i>Oberon</i>, <i>Titania</i>, and <i>Puck</i>, +then <span class="smcap">Harry Nicholl's</span> Royal Palace with Mr. <span class="smcap">Herbert Campbell</span> +and Miss <span class="smcap">Harriet Vernon</span>, then Madame <span class="smcap">Katti Lanner's</span> Market +Place, with a number of the most promising of her pupils (of all ages +too, from the tiny child to the "ceased-growing-a-long-while-ago") +then Mrs. <span class="smcap">Simpson's</span> Back Garden, with Mr. <span class="smcap">George Conquest</span> junior +as a giant, Mr. <span class="smcap">Dan Leno</span> as a widow, and the Brothers <span class="smcap">Griffiths</span> +as the Cow Company Limited, and lastly, controlling the whole, we +have Mr. <span class="smcap">Augustus Harris</span> who is seen at his very best when we +reach the Giant's Library and the realms of Olympus.</p> + +<p>And this Pantomime is not only beautiful but amusing. It has +two grand processions, but this year, by good stage-management, +neither is tedious. The Shakspearean Heroines do a little play-acting +between whiles, and the gods and goddesses, or rather their +attendants, manœuvre before the eye becomes weary of watching +their approach. For instance, Mars has scarcely time to swagger +down to the foot-lights in the most appropriate and approved fashion, +before he finds himself called upon to stand near a private box on +the prompt side, to be well out of the way of his dancing terpsichorean +satellites. <i>Lady Macbeth</i> has hardly "taken the daggers" before +<i>King Lear</i> (Mr. <span class="smcap">Lorraine</span>) is bringing a furtive tear to the eyes of +all beholders (<i>one</i> tear is sufficient at Christmastide) by his touching +pantomime in the presence of his three fair daughters.</p> + +<p>Then, too, Mr. <span class="smcap">Harry Payne</span> has <i>his</i> +chance, and makes the most of it. It was quite pleasant to see the Clown +on Boxing-Night, and those who left the theatre mindful of trains that +will not delay the hours fixed for their departure, must have determined +(if they were wise people) to come again to witness the remainder of the +performances. Then those who liked acrobats had the Leopold Troupe, and +a strong man who lifted up a horse (but did not have his own name, or +the name of his charger, on the programme) to delight them. And it was +also a pleasing reflection to remember that the entertainment was the +result of solid hard work, combined with excellent judgment and taste. +Paterfamilias could say to Young Hopeful home for the holidays, "See +here, my lad, the lessee of our National Theatre could never have caused +us so much thorough enjoyment had he not worked with a will that you +will do well to imitate when you return to Dr. <span +class="smcap">Swishtales'</span> Academy at the conclusion of +the Christmas vacation." And so all can cry with genuine +enthusiasm:—"<i>Ave</i>, <span class="smcap">Augustus</span>! +<i>Ave</i>, <span class="smcap">Druriolanus</span>! <i>Ave</i>, <span +class="smcap">Imperator</span>! <i>Ave! Ave!</i>—and <span +class="smcap">Nicholls</span>."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="small"><span class="smcap">Notice.</span>—Rejected +Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, +or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even +when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. +To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOLUME 98, JANUARY 4, 1890***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 25685-h.txt or 25685-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/5/6/8/25685">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/6/8/25685</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution.</p> + + + +<pre> +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/license">http://www.gutenberg.org/license)</a>. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org">http://www.gutenberg.org</a> + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/</a> + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a> + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** +</pre> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-0001-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-0001-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f737343 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-0001-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-0001.png b/25685-h/images/ill-0001.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a505273 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-0001.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-0002-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-0002-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..75792c6 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-0002-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-0002.png b/25685-h/images/ill-0002.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6200d98 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-0002.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-0003-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-0003-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fa09f4f --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-0003-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-0003.png b/25685-h/images/ill-0003.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..73f94c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-0003.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-001-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-001-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fb2b604 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-001-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-001.png b/25685-h/images/ill-001.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7224b45 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-001.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-002-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-002-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee649bf --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-002-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-002.png b/25685-h/images/ill-002.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dc54bc8 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-002.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-003-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-003-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e8dcca --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-003-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-003.png b/25685-h/images/ill-003.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..43f4c1e --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-003.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-004-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-004-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..110cf2c --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-004-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-004.png b/25685-h/images/ill-004.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0e2ada6 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-004.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-005a-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-005a-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d80d7f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-005a-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-005a.png b/25685-h/images/ill-005a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..95806b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-005a.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-005b-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-005b-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0347e00 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-005b-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-005b.png b/25685-h/images/ill-005b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..783a671 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-005b.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-005c-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-005c-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f24fbe --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-005c-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-005c.png b/25685-h/images/ill-005c.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f50732e --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-005c.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-006-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-006-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4db8e6e --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-006-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-006.png b/25685-h/images/ill-006.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..225a072 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-006.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-007-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-007-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6d7d9fc --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-007-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-007.png b/25685-h/images/ill-007.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..965a9a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-007.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-009-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-009-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5fda8f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-009-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-009.png b/25685-h/images/ill-009.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c48dd14 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-009.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-010-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-010-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0af0f02 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-010-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-010.png b/25685-h/images/ill-010.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e74b735 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-010.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-011-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-011-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e11769 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-011-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-011.png b/25685-h/images/ill-011.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f7ceb26 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-011.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-012-th.png b/25685-h/images/ill-012-th.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..21f3c2e --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-012-th.png diff --git a/25685-h/images/ill-012.png b/25685-h/images/ill-012.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cfaa6e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-h/images/ill-012.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/f0001.png b/25685-page-images/f0001.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..130911d --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/f0001.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/f0002.png b/25685-page-images/f0002.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff85e8a --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/f0002.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/f0003.png b/25685-page-images/f0003.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c56a55 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/f0003.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0001.png b/25685-page-images/p0001.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ea3d979 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0001.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0002.png b/25685-page-images/p0002.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c60c353 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0002.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0003.png b/25685-page-images/p0003.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..15295a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0003.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0004.png b/25685-page-images/p0004.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..db73360 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0004.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0005.png b/25685-page-images/p0005.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..21b2936 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0005.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0006.png b/25685-page-images/p0006.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..27ba74c --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0006.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0007.png b/25685-page-images/p0007.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..13cc762 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0007.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0008.png b/25685-page-images/p0008.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9485147 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0008.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0009.png b/25685-page-images/p0009.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..99559ff --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0009.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0010.png b/25685-page-images/p0010.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..73076cd --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0010.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0011.png b/25685-page-images/p0011.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a2347ae --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0011.png diff --git a/25685-page-images/p0012.png b/25685-page-images/p0012.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..320a37d --- /dev/null +++ b/25685-page-images/p0012.png diff --git a/25685.txt b/25685.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ccadfb --- /dev/null +++ b/25685.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1922 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 98, +January 4, 1890, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 98, January 4, 1890 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: June 3, 2008 [eBook #25685] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI +VOLUME 98, JANUARY 4, 1890*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, V. L. Simpson, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 25685-h.htm or 25685-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/5/6/8/25685/25685-h/25685-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/5/6/8/25685/25685-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 98 + +JANUARY 4, 1890 + +[Illustration: PUNCH +VOL 98] + + + + + + + + +London: +Published at the Office, 85, Fleet Street, +and Sold by All Booksellers. +1890. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Preface] + +It was a Midsummer Night, and Mr. PUNCH in his _sanctum_ dreamed a +Dream! To adapt the Laureate's lay:-- + + He read, before his eyelids dropt their shade, + The _Lusiads_ of CAMOENS, long ago + Sung by the Lusitanian bard, who made + Great GAMA'S glories glow. + +It was the wondrous tale of STANLEY which had turned the Sage's +attention to the pages of the great Epic of Commerce. + +He had read:-- + + "Afric behold! alas, what altered view! + Her lands uncultured, and her sons untrue; + Ungraced with all that sweetens human life, + Savage and fierce, they roam in brutal strife; + Eager they grasp the gifts which culture yields, + Yet naked roam their own neglected fields." + +And though even Africa has considerably changed since the year of grace +1497, when "daring GAMA" went "incessant labouring round the stormy +Cape," Mr. PUNCH thought of that great gloom-shrouded Equatorial Forest +and its secular savage dwarf-denizens, and mused how much there was yet +for our modern GAMAS to do in the Dark Continent. + +Mr. PUNCH found himself in the lovely "Isle of Venus," the delicious +floral Paradise which the Queen of Love, "the guardian goddess of the +Lusian race," created "amid the bosom of the watery waste," as "a place +of glad repast and sweet repose," for the tired home-returning GAMA and +his companions. + +"Of 'glad repast,'" said a familiar voice, "there is plenty and to +spare; but for the 'sweet repose,' 'tis not to be found in this 'Isle of +Banqueting.'" + +"Mr. STANLEY, I presume?" said the Sage. + +"You _cannot_ presume," rejoined H. M. neatly. "But some of these +gregarious dinner-givers _do_, and sometimes,--yes, sometimes I'm afraid +I let them see that I'm aware of it." + +"As fame-preoccupied, country-loving GAMA, wearied of the 'feasts, +interludes, and chivalrous entertainments,' with which 'the taste of +that age demonstrated the joy of Portugal,' might perchance have snubbed +some too importunate Don. 'The compliments of the Court and the shouts +of the streets were irksome to him,' says the chronicle." + +"SALISBURY is not quite a Prince HENRY apparently," remarked the modern +GAMA. "He and his father JOHN did not find the discoveries and +acquisitions of their heroic compatriot 'embarrassing.' 'The arts and +valour of the Portuguese had now made a great impression on the minds of +the Africans. The King of CONGO, a dominion of great extent, sent the +sons of some of his principal officers to be instructed in arts and +religion.' This was four hundred years ago! And now the Portuguese can +be safely snubbed and sat upon, even by a SALISBURY! But if your prudent +Premier doesn't 'stiffen his back' a bit, with regard to the tougher and +tentative Teuton, 'the arts and valour' of the Britishers will not make +as great an impression on the minds of the Africans as your ill-used +East African Company could desire." + +"Don't be _too_ downhearted, HENRY," smiled the Sage. "Much dining-out +doth breed dyspepsia, and atrabilious views are apt to be a _leetle_ +lop-sided." + +"Right, _Mr. Punch!_" said a musical but somewhat mournful voice, that +of the great but ill-starred LUIS DE CAMOENS himself. "I wrote much of +my _Lusiadas_ in Africa. + + "'One hand the pen, and one the sword employed.' + +"_My_ reward was banishment, imprisonment, poverty, neglect, and a +miserable death in an almshouse. 'Soon after, however,' says the record, +'many epitaphs honoured his memory: the greatness of his merit was +universally confessed, and his _Lusiad_ was translated into various +languages.' 'The whirligig of time brings its revenges,' as your own +illustrious Singer saith. How think you myself and my friend VASCO de +GAMA here look upon the fallen state of our beloved native land? In vain +he ventured for her. In vain I warningly sang:-- + + "'Chill'd by my nation's cold neglect, thy fires + Glow bold no more, and all thy rage expires. + Shall haughty Gaul or sterner Albion boast + That all the Lusian fame in thee is lost!'" + +Mr. PUNCH bowed low to the illustrious Poet and the indomitable +Explorer. "Greatness," said he, courteously, "claims reverence, and +misfortune respect. Your countrymen, Gentlemen, have been rather angry +with me of late. But 'sterner Albion' may be proud indeed if she +produces such men as GAMA to perform heroic deeds, and such poets as +CAMOENS to sing them." The stately Shades saluted. "I wonder," said +GAMA, "who will be the Laureate of the later Ulysses, and which of your +singers will write the _Epic of Africa?_" + +"I fear," said Mr. PUNCH, "that at present they are too busy smiting the +Socialistic big drum, or tickling their sonorous native tongue into +tinkling triolets. In this Island of Venus----" + +"I beg pardon," interrupted STANLEY, with a sardonic smile. "This Island +of _Menus_, you mean, Mr. PUNCH!" + +Mr. PUNCH looked around. The Acidalian roses and myrtles, the purple +lotos and the snowy thorn, the yellow pod-flowers and the waving palms, +the vermeil apples and the primrosed banks, of CAMOENS' somewhat +zone-confounding vision, had indeed vanished, and in their stead seemed +to wave snowy _serviettes_, to flow champagne-streams, to glitter +goblets, and to glow orchid-laden _epergnes_. + +"Humph!" said the Sage. "The prose of the _Restaurateur_--which by the +way sounds as if I were alluding to the literature of the +Restauration,--hath insensibly superseded the poesy of the peerless +Portuguese. Well, Gentlemen, in vain may 'sterner Albion' glory in the +profusion of wealth and the pomp of 'glad repast,' unless also she +breeds heroes to adventure and poets to celebrate. As you sang, my +CAMOENS-- + + "'The King or hero to the Muse unjust, + Sinks as the nameless slave, extinct in dust.' + +"For the present, STANLEY'S arm and Mr. PUNCH'S pen suffice to save the +State from such abasement. But let our timid Premiers and our +temporising Press remember the glories of GAMA and CAMOENS, and the fate +of ungrateful and indolent Lusitania!" + +"The Pen of Mr. PUNCH!" cried CAMOENS. "Ah, long have the valiant VASCO +and myself desired to peruse its sparkling and patriotic outpourings.". + +"And you, my STANLEY," proceeded Mr. PUNCH, "said to the banqueting +Fishmongers, 'I am an omnivorous reader whenever an opportunity presents +itself.' It presents itself here and now. Take, Illustrious Trio, the +greatest gift that even PUNCH can bestow upon you, to wit his + +"Ninety-Eighth Volume!" + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE. + +FOURTH ENTRY. + +Have for a considerable time past been "eating dinners," preparatory to +being "called" to the Bar. Understand now what people mean when they +talk of a "_Digest_ of the Law." + +Find myself (on dining for the first time this Term) in a mess with a +highly-intelligent native of India, another man up from Oxford, and an +African law-student. Latter black and curly, but good-natured. Says +there is a great demand for English-made barristers on the Gambia, and +he's going to supply the demand. + +Have wild and momentary idea of going to the Gambia myself. + +"Why," I ask this enterprising negro, "why don't English +barristers--white ones, I mean--go and practise there?" Feel that +reference to colour is not felicitous; still, difficult to express the +idea otherwise. + +African doesn't mind. Shows all his teeth in a broad grin, and says, +"Inglis men die, die like flies, on the Gambia." + +Curious to see the Hindoo law-student looking contemptuously at African +ditto. Hindoo a shrewd fellow. Talks English perfectly. Rather given to +gesticulate. Waves his arms, and incidentally knocks over a bottle of +the claret--at twelve shillings a dozen--which the Inn kindly supplies +to wash down the mutton and baked potatoes at our two-shilling meal. +Hindoo laughs. Tells me, confidentially, that he has practised as a +"Vakeel" (whatever that is) in some small country town in Bengal. Why +has he come over here? Oh, to be called. Will get more work and more +pay, when a full-fledged barrister. Gather that there are rival +"Vakeels" in Bengal whom he wants to cut out. He intends "cutting +out"--to India--directly he _is_ called. + +Oxford man tells me in a whisper that "he believes he's a Baboo." +Indeed! Don't feel much wiser for the information. + +African getting jealous of Baboo's fluent talk. Rather a sportive negro, +it appears. Says he goes to theatre nearly every night. Has a regular +and rather festive programme for each day. + +"Lecture, morning," he says; "afternoon, walk in Park, sometimes ride. +Night, theatre or music-hall." He grins like an amiable gargoyle. In his +own country African law-student must be quite a lady-killer--a sort of +Gambia masher. + +Incidentally mention to Hindoo difficulty of law of Real Property, +especially "Rule in SHELLEY'S Case." + +It seems Hindoo understands matter perfectly. Begins to explain the +"Rule in SHELLEY'S Case." Does it by aid of two salt-cellars (to +represent the parties) and a few knives (to represent collateral +relatives). + +African masher more jealous. Laughs at Baboo's explanation. He and Baboo +exchange glances of hatred. African, who is carving, brandishes knife. +Is he going to plunge it into heart of Baboo just as he's got through +his explanation? Looks like it, as the shilling claret seems to have got +into place where we may suppose African's brain to be. However, dinner +ends without a catastrophe. + +After attending the usual amount of legal lectures, the "Final" Exam. +approaches. + +Get through the papers pretty well. Thank goodness, no question asked so +far about that "Rule in SHELLEY'S Case," which is my "_Pons Asinorum_!" +It's a "rule" to which I take great exception. + +There's a "_Viva Voce_" to come, however. Hate _viva voce._ Two +examiners sit at end of Hall--students called up in batches of +half-a-dozen at a time. Very nervous work. Find, when my turn comes, +that the intelligent Baboo is in the same lot! Appears to like the +position. From his manner I should judge that he'd been doing nothing +all his life but being examined by fifties in a cave, like this. + +Examiner who tackles me has an eye-glass. + +"Now, Mr. JOYNSON," he remarks, putting it up to survey me better, "if +you were a trustee, &c., &c., _what would you do?_" + +Flattered at the supposition. Answer in a way which seems to partly +satisfy Examiner, who passes on to next man with a new question. In a +minute or two my turn comes round again. + +"Now, Mr. JOYNSON," Examiner again observes cheerfully, "let me ask you +quite an elementary question in Real Property. Just give me a brief, a +very brief, explanation of what you understand by the Rule in SHELLEY'S +Case!" + +But I don't understand anything by it! It's a piece of hopeless legal +gibberish to me. I stammer out some attempt at an answer, and see Baboo +looking at me with a pitying, almost reproachful, glance. "Didn't I," he +seems to say, "explain it all to you once at dinner? Do you really mean +to say that you've forgotten the way in which I arranged the +salt-cellars and the table-knives, and how I turned the whole case +inside out for your benefit?" + +I admit the offence. Examiner seems surprised at my ignorance--informs +me that "it's as easy as A.B.C." It may be--to him and the Baboo. + +Baboo, being asked the same question, at once explains the whole matter, +this time without the aid of the salt-cellars and cutlery. + +A few days later go to look at result of examination. Result, for me--a +Plough! + +Walking away dejectedly--("homeward the Plough-man wends his legal +way"--as GRAY sympathetically put it)--meet African law-student, who +grins insanely. _He_ doesn't sympathise in my defeat. Shows his fine set +of ivories and says:-- + +"Me failed too. Me go back Gambia. You come back with me!" + +Tell him I'm not "called" yet: certainly not called to Gambia. + +"Then come to Alhambra!" he suggests, as a sort of alternative to a +visit to the tropics. + +African student evidently still a masher. Decline his invitation with +thanks. Wouldn't be seen with him at a theatre for worlds! Depressed. +Don't even look in at Gaiety Bar. No Gaiety for _me_--and no "Bar" +either, it seems. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOME NEW YEAR'S PROBLEMS.] + + * * * * * + +THE BUSY (J.) B. + +(_Not by Dr. Watts._) + + How doth the busy Jerry Builder + Improve his shining hoard, + And gather money, basely earned, + From every opening Board! + + How skilfully he scamps his "shells"! + How deftly spreads his sludge! + And labours to defend his sells + By special-pleading fudge! + + With what serene, well-practised skill, + He "squares" Surveyors too! + For Jobbery finds some baseness still + For venal hands to do. + + Whether for work or healthful play + His buildings will not last. + May he be called some day, some day, + To strict account at last! + + * * * * * + +PARLIAMENTARY INTELLIGENCE.--According to the announcement in the +_Gazette_, the SPEAKER will take the Chair in the House of Commons on +Tuesday, the 11th of February, when the new Session opens. But, as a +matter of fact, _The Speaker_ will be on the book-stalls on Saturday +next, the 4th of January, entering upon what promises to be a useful and +prolonged Session. Thereafter _The Speaker_ will take the book-stall +once a week regularly, there being Saturday sittings throughout the +year. _The Speaker_ will, of course, be on the side of Law and "Order! +Order!" + + * * * * * + +A BALLAD OF EVIL SPEED. + +_A Cool Collation of Several Bards._ + + I would I had not met you, Sweet, + I wish you had been far away + From where, in Upper Wimpole Street, + We two foregather'd yesterday. + Somewhere in that unlovely street + Summer's lost beauty, hid away, + Woke at the music of your feet, + And sought the little girl in grey. + Around your head the sunbeams play-- + Home to the depths of your deep eyes + Soft shadows of the woodland stray, + Then sparkle with a quick surprise, + As when the branch-entangled skies + Shake from the depths of woodland stream, + Awhile in laughing circles gleam, + Then spread to heaven's peace again. + Amber and gold, and feathery grey, + You suited well the Autumn day, + The muffled sun, the misty air, + The weather like a sleepy pear. + And yet I wish that you had been + Afar, beside the sounding main, + Or swaying daintily the rein + Of mettled courser on the green, + So I had passed, and passed unseen. + + For I arose, from dreams of thee, + So late that morn, my matin tea + Was cold as mutton two days cooked; + As in the looking-glass I looked, + Methought the razor need not wreak + Its wonted vengeance on my cheek, + Nor clear the shadow from my chin + Till to the City I had been. + Thus, horrid with a nascent beard, + By chance through Wimpole Street I steered, + Trusting therein to shun contempt + Of who abhor a man unkempt. + For like a mother-bird, who's caught + The cant of modern woman's thought, + My restless tie refused to sit, + And restless fingers vainly sought + To soothe the silkworm's stubborn toil. + But only did its candour soil, + And suffered none the less from it. + For all my neck, and head no less, + Owned to a vague unquietness, + As when the vagrant spiderlet + Has spread at large her filmy net + To catch the moonbeams, wavering white, + At the front gate on Autumn night. + + Then suddenly the sombre way + Rock'd like the darkness struck by day, + The endless houses reel'd from sight, + And all romance and all delight + Came thronging in a glorious crowd. + So, when the drums are beating loud, + The mob comes sweeping down the Mall, + Far heralding the bear-skins tall. + Glorious in golden clothing comes + The great drum-major with his drums + And sun-smit brass of trumpets; then + The scarlet wall of marching men, + Midmost of which great Mavors sets + The colours girt with bayonets. + Yes, there were you--and there was I, + Unshaved, and with erratic tie, + And for that once I yearn'd to shun + My social system's central sun. + How could a sloven slave express + The frank, the manly tenderness + That wraps you round from common thought, + And does not ask that you should know + The love that consecrates you so. + No; furtive, awkward, restless, cold, + I basely seemed to set at naught + That sudden bliss, undreamt, unsought. + What must she think, my girl of gold? + I dare not ask; and baffled wit + Droops--till sweet hopes begin to flit-- + Like butterflies that brave the cold-- + Perhaps she didn't notice it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STUDIES IN REPARTEE. + +_She._ "HOW SILENT YOU ARE! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF?" + +_He._ "_NOTHING!_" + +_She._ "EGOTIST!"] + + * * * * * + +"JUST TO OBLIGE BENSON." + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--It was not a very happy thought to send me to the Globe +Theatre at this festive season of the year to witness the representation +of a piece, called by the management, for some reason or other, "a +_faerie_ comedy." Now, I like a Burlesque, and I am fond of a Pantomime, +but a mixture of blank verse and tom-foolery is rather too much for me, +especially when that mixture is not redeemed by a plot of any interest. +Nothing can be more absurd than the story (save the mark!) told in this +particularly uninteresting play. It appears that a "Duke!" of Athens +married the Queen of the Amazons, and during the nuptial rejoicings +ordered the daughter of one of his subjects to "die the death" unless +she transferred her affections from her own true love to a gentleman of +her father's choice. The gentleman of her father's choice was beloved in +his turn by a school friend of his would-not-be betrothed, and the play +which lasted from eight until nearly midnight, was devoted to setting +this simple (in more senses than one) _imbroglio_ right. By a clumsy +device, _Oberon_ King of the Fairies bewitched the two pairs of lovers +during their sleep in a wood, so that one lady had two admirers and the +other none. All that was needed to bring the piece to a conclusion was +to have another exercise of magic when the couples paired off, of +course, in a manner calculated to give satisfaction to their friends and +relations. This was the entire plot. There was now and again some +attempts to turn amateur theatricals into feeble ridicule by the +introduction of a party of village histrions, who were allowed to +"clown" to their heart's content; and _voila tout_! + +The mounting is excellent. Nothing better than "a Wood near Athens," +painted by Mr. HEMSLEY, has been seen since Professor HERKOMER startled +the world with his representation of village life at Bushey. The music, +too (chiefly from the works of MENDELSSOHN), is always charming, and +frequently appropriate. Moreover, Mr. BENSON, no doubt feeling that his +author required every possible support, has introduced a number of +pretty dances, executed by comely maidens of ages varying from seven to +(say) seven-and-twenty. + +Of course, such a play required very ordinary acting. Mr. BENSON was, on +the whole, a gentlemanly _Lysander_, Mr. OTHO STUART a dignified +_Oberon_, and Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS quite the best of the village +histrions. Miss GRACE GERALDINE was also fanciful in the _role_ of a +sort of gnome. But, allowing for the music, and the scenery, and the +acting, the piece itself was unquestionably dull. And now, having given +you my unbiassed opinion, I beg to sign myself, + + YOUR UNPREJUDICED CONTRIBUTOR. + +P.S.--I am told that the author of _A Midsummer's Dream_ wrote a number +of other plays of considerable merit. This I challenge, the more +especially as those who swear by Mr. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE candidly admit +that his name is a deterrent rather than an attraction on a play-bill. + + * * * * * + + 1890 ALMANACK FOR FUNNY DOGS.--Evidently "Whitty Curs' + Almanack." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. II.--JOE, THE JAM-EATER. + +_A Musical Spectacular and Sensational Interlude._ (_Dedicated +respectfully to Mr. McDougall and the L. C. C._) + +[Illustration] + +The Music-hall Dramatist, like SHAKSPEARE, has a right to take his +material from any source that may seem good to him. _Mr. Punch_, +therefore, makes no secret of the fact, that he has based the following +piece upon the well-known poem of "_The Purloiner_," by the Sisters JANE +and ANN TAYLOR, who were _not_, as might be too hastily concluded, "Song +and Dance Duettists," but two estimable ladies, who composed +"cautionary" verses for the young, and whose works are a perfect mine of +wealth for Moral Dramatists. In this dramatic version the Author has +tried to infuse something of the old Greek sense of an overruling +destiny, without detriment to prevailing ideas of moral responsibility. +Those who have the misfortune to be born with a propensity for illicit +jam, may learn from our Drama the terrible results of failing to +overcome it early in life. + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +_Jam-loving Joe._ By that renowned Melodramatic Serio-Comic, Miss CONNIE +CURDLER. + +_Joe's Mother_ (_the very part for_ Mrs. BANCROFT _if she can only be +induced to make her re-appearance_). + +_John, a Gardener._ By the great Pink-eyed Unmusical Zulu. + +_Jim-Jam, the Fermentation Fiend._ By Mr. BEERBOHM TREE (_who has kindly +consented to undertake the part_). + +_Chorus of Plum and Pear Gatherers, from the Savoy_ (_by kind permission +of_ Mr. D'OYLY CARTE). + +SCENE.--_The Store-room at sunset, with view of exterior of Jam +Cupboard, and orchard in distance._ + +_Enter_ JOE. + +"As JOE was at play, Near the cupboard one day, When he thought no one +saw him but himself."--_Vide Poem._ + + _Joe_ (_dreamily_). 'Tis passing strange that I so partial am + To playing in the neighbourhood of Jam! + +[_Here_ Miss CURDLER _will introduce her great humorous Satirical +Medley, illustrative of the Sports of Childhood, and entitled, "Some +Little Gymes we all of us 'ave Plied;" after which, Enter_ JOE'S +_Mother, followed by_ JOHN _and the Chorus, with baskets, ladders, &c., +for gathering fruit._ + +"His Mother and JOHN, To the garden had gone, To gather ripe +pears and ripe plums."--_Poem._ + + _Joe's Mother_ (_with forced cheerfulness_)-- + + Let's hope, my friends, to find our pears and plums, + Unharmed by wopses, and untouched by wums. + +[_Chorus signify assent in the usual manner by holding up the right +hand._ + + _Solo_--JOHN. + + Fruit when gathered ripe, is wholesome-- + Otherwise if eaten green. + Once I knew a boy who stole some-- + [_With a glance at_ JOE, who turns aside to conceal his + confusion. + His internal pangs were keen! + + _Chorus_ (_virtuously_). 'Tis the doom of all who're mean, + Their internal pangs are keen! + +_Joe's Mother_ (_aside_). By what misgivings is a mother + tortured! + I'll keep my eye on JOSEPH in the orchard. + [_She invites him with a gesture to follow._ + + _Joe_ (_earnestly_). Nay, Mother, here I'll stay till you + have done. + Temptation it is ever best to shun! + + _Joe's M._ So laudable his wish, I would not cross it-- + (_Mysteriously._) He knows not there are jam-pots in yon + closet! + + _Chorus._ Away we go tripping, + From boughs to be stripping + Each pear, plum, and pippin + Pomona supplies! + + When homeward we've brought 'em, + Those products of Autumn, + We'll carefully sort 'em + (_One of our old Music-hall rhymes_), + According to size! [_Repeat as they caper out._ + +[JOE'S Mother, _after one fond, lingering look behind, follows: the +voices are heard more and more faintly in the distance. Stage darkens; +the last ray of sunset illumines key of jam-cupboard door._ + + _Joe._ At last I am alone! Suppose I tried + That cupboard--just to see what's kept inside? + [_Seems drawn towards it by some fatal fascination._ + There _might_ be Guava jelly, and a plummy cake, + For such a prize I'd laugh to scorn a stomach-ache! + [_Laughs a stomach-ache to scorn._ + And yet (_hesitating_) who knows?--a pill?... perchance--a powder! + (_Desperately_). What then? To scorn I'll laugh them--even louder! + +[_Fetches chair and unlocks cupboard. Doors fall open with loud clang, +revealing Interior of Jam Closet_ (_painted by_ HAWES CRAVEN). JOE +_mounts chair to explore shelves. Vide poem, "How sorry I am, He ate +raspberry jam, And currants that stood on the shelf!"_ + + _Joe_ (_speaking with mouth full, and back to audience_). + 'Tis raspberry--of all the jams my favourite; + I'll clear the pot, whate'er I have to pay for it! + And finish up with currants from this shelf.... + Who'll ever see me? + + _The Demon of the Jam Closet_ (_rising slowly from an immense pot of + preserves_). None--except Myself! + +[_The cupboard is lit up by an infernal glare_ (_courteously lent by the +Lyceum Management from "Faust" properties_); _weird music;_ JOE _turns +slowly and confronts the Demon with awestruck eyes;_ N.B.--_Great +opportunity for powerful acting here._ + + _The Demon_ (_with a bland sneer_). Pray don't mind _me_--I will await + your leisure. + + _Joe_ (_automatically_). Of your acquaintance, Sir, I've not the + pleasure. + Who _are_ you? Wherefore have you intervened? + + _The Demon_ (_quietly_). My name is "Jim-Jam"; occupation--fiend. + + _Joe_ (_cowering limply on his chair_). O Mr. Fiend, I _know_ it's + very wrong of me! + + _Demon_ (_politely_). Don't mention it--but please to come "along of" + me? + + _Joe_ (_imploringly_). Do let me off this once,--ha! you're relenting, + You smile---- + + _Demon_ (_grimly_). 'Tis nothing but my jam fermenting! + [_Catches_ JOE'S _ankle, and assists him to descend._ + + _Joe._ You'll drive me mad! + + _Demon_ (_carelessly_). I _may_--before I've done with you! + + _Joe._ What do you want? + + _Demon_ (_darkly_). To have a little fun with you! + Of fiendish humour now I'll give a specimen. + +[_Chases him round and round Stage, and proceeds to smear him hideously +with jam._ + + _Joe_ (_piteously_). Oh, don't! I feel _so_ sticky. _What_ a mess + I'm in! + + _Demon_ (_with affected sympathy_). That _is_ the worst of jam--it's + apt to stain you. + [_To_ JOE, _as he frantically endeavours to remove the traces of his + crime._ + I see you're busy--so I'll not detain you! + +[_Vanishes down star-trap with a diabolical laugh. Cupboard-doors close +with a clang; all lights down._ JOE _stands gazing blankly for some +moments, and then drags himself off Stage. His Mother and_ JOHN, _with +Pear- and Plum-gatherers bearing laden baskets, appear at doors at back +of Scene, in faint light of torches._ + +_Re-enter Joe_ (_bearing a candle and wringing his hands_). Out, jammed +spot! What--will these hands _never_ be clean? Here's the smell of the +raspberry jam still! All the powders of Gregory cannot unsweeten this +little hand.... (_Moaning._) Oh, oh, oh! + +[_This passage has been accused of bearing too close a resemblance to +one in a popular Stage Play; if so, the coincidence is purely +accidental, as the Dramatist is not in the habit of reading such profane +literature._ + + _Joe's Mother._ Ah! what an icy dread my heart benumbs! + See--stains on all his fingers, _and_ his thumbs! + +"What JOE was about, His Mother found out, When she look'd at his +fingers and thumbs."--_Poem again._ + + Nay, JOSEPH--'tis your mother ... speak to her! + +_Joe_ (_tonelessly, as before_). Lady, I know you not (_touches lower +part of waistcoat_); but, prithee, undo this button. I think I have jam +in all my veins, and I would fain sleep. When I am gone, lay me in a +plain white jelly-pot, with a parchment cover, and on the label +write----but come nearer, I have a secret for your ear alone ... there +are strange things in some cupboards! Demons should keep in the +dust-bin. (_With a ghastly smile._) I know not what ails me, but I am +not feeling at all well. + +[JOE'S Mother _stands a few steps from him, with her hands twisted in +her hair, and stares at him in speechless terror._ + +_Joe_ (_to the Chorus_). I would shake hands with you all, were not my +fingers so sticky. We eat marmalade, but we know not what it is made of. +Hush! if JIM-JAM comes again, tell him that I am not at home. +Loo-loo-loo! + +_All_ (_with conviction_). Some shock has turned his brine! + +_Joe_ (_sitting down on floor, and weaving straws in his hair_). My +curse upon him that invented jam. Let us all play Tibbits. + +[_Laughs vacantly: all gather round him, shaking their heads, his_ +Mother _falls fainting at his feet, as Curtain falls upon a strong and +moral, though undeniably gloomy denoument._ + + * * * * * + +THE SAVOYARDS. + +MESSRS. GILBERT AND SULLIVAN'S _Gondoliers_ deserves to rank immediately +after _The Mikado_ and _Pinafore_ bracketed. The _mise-en-scene_ is in +every way about as perfect as it is possible to be. Every writer of +_libretti_, every dramatist and every composer, must envy the Two +Savoyards, their rare opportunities of putting their own work on their +own stage, and being like the two Kings in this piece, jointly and +equally monarchs of all they survey, though, unlike these two +potentates, they are not their subjects' servants, and have only to +consider what is best for the success of their piece, and to have it +carried out, whatever it is, literally regardless of expense. And what +does their work amount to? Simply a Two-Act Opera, to play +two-hours-and-a-half, for the production of which they have practically +a whole year at their disposal. They can go as near commanding success +as is given to mortal dramatist and composer, and for any comparative +failure they can have no one to blame but themselves, the pair of them. + +[Illustration: "Once upon a time there were two Kings."] + +Whatever the piece may be, it is always a pleasure to see how thoroughly +the old hands at the Savoy enter into "the fun of the thing," and, as in +the case of Miss JESSIE BOND and Mr. RUTLAND BARRINGTON, absolutely +carry the audience with them by sheer exuberance of spirits. + +Mr. RUTLAND BARRINGTON possesses a ready wit and keen appreciation of +humour; and, as this is true also of Miss JESSIE BOND, the couple, being +thoroughly in their element with such parts as _The Gondoliers_ provide +for them, legitimately graft their own fun on the plentiful stock +already supplied by the author, and are literally the life and soul of +the piece. + +On the night I was there a Miss NORAH PHYLLIS took Miss ULMAR'S part of +_Gianetta_, and played it, at short notice, admirably. She struck me as +bearing a marked facial resemblance to Miss FORTESQUE, and is a decided +acquisition. Mr. DENNY, as the Grand Inquisitor (a part that recalls the +Lord High Chancellor of the ex-Savoyard, GEORGE GROSSMITH, now +entertaining "on his own hook"), doesn't seem to be a born Savoyard, +_non nascitur_ and _non fit_ at present. Good he is, of course, but +there's no spontaneity about him. However, for an eccentric comedian +merely to do exactly what he is told, and nothing more, yet to do that, +little or much, well, is a performance that would meet with _Hamlet's_ +approbation, and Mr. GILBERT'S. Mr. FRANK WYATT, as "the new boy" at the +Savoy School, doesn't, as yet, seem quite happy; but it cannot be +expected that he should feel "quite at home," when he has only recently +arrived at a new school. + +Miss BRANDRAM is a thorough Savoyard; _nihil tetigit quod non ornavit_, +and her embroidery of a part which it is fair to suppose was written to +suit her, is done in her own quaint and quiet fashion. + +A fantastically and humorous peculiarly Gilbertian idea is the +comparison between a visit to the dentist's, and an interview with the +questioners by the rack, suggested by the Grand Inquisitor Don ALHAMBRA +who says that the nurse is waiting in the torture-chamber, but that +there is no hurry for him to go and examine her, as she is all right and +"has all the illustrated papers." + +[Illustration: Rutland Pooh-Bah-rington, after signing his +re-engagement, takes his Bond, and sings, "Again we come to the Savoy."] + +There are ever so many good things in the Opera, but the best of all, +for genuinely humorous inspiration of words, music and acting, is the +quartette in the Second Act, "In a contemplative fashion." It is +excellent. Thank goodness, _encores_ are disencouraged, except where +there can be "No possible sort of doubt, No possible doubt whatever" +(also a capital song in this piece) as to the unanimity of the +enthusiasm. There is nothing in the music that catches the ear on a +first hearing as did "_The Three Little Maids_," or "_I've got a Song to +Sing O!_" but it is all charming, and the masterly orchestration in its +fulness and variety is something that the least technically educated can +appreciate and enjoy. The piece is so brilliant to eye and ear, that +there is never a dull moment on the stage or off it. It is just one of +those simple _Bab-Ballady_ stories which, depending for its success not +on any startling surprise in the plot, but on general excellence, may, +especially on account of the music, be safely put down on the +play-goer's list for "a second hearing." + + CHRISTMAS BOX. + +[Illustration: George Grossmith on his own Hook.] + + * * * * * + +RUSSIAN ART. + +From _The Morning Post_, last week, we learn that the Russian Imperial +Academy of Arts, has passed a law prohibiting Jews to become members of +its artistic body. By the Nose of _Mr. Punch_, but this is too bad, and +too bigoted for any century, let alone the "so-called Nineteenth." If +such a rule, or rather such an exception, could have been possible in +England within the last twenty years, what a discouragement it would +have been for all the Royal Academicians, who would thereby _have lost +Hart!_ Dear good old SOLOMON! He was a poor HART that often rejoiced, +and if he was not the best painter in the world, he was just about the +worst punster. We hope to hear that our Royal Academicians, with their +large-hearted and golden-tongued President at their head, will send a +friendly expostulation to their Russian Brothers in oil, and obtain the +abrogation of this unreasonable legislation, which is one effect of an +anti-semitic cyclone, fit only for the _Jew-ventus Mundi_, but not for +the world at its maturity. + + * * * * * + + "DOT AND GO ONE"--no, see _Dot_, and go several times + again to see our JOHNNIE TOOLE at his own Theatre, + before he leaves for the Antipodes. The good old farce + of _Toole in the Pigskin_ is well-mounted, and is, of + course, one of the pieces on which he will rely, as + especially appropriate to Horse-tralia. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRESH TO THE COUNTRY. + +_Young Lady._ "CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE MEET IS?" + +_Butcher's Boy_ (_a recent importation from London_). "YES, MUM. I JIST +TOOK IT HUP TO THE 'ALL THIS MORNIN'!"] + + * * * * * + +THE START. + + Off! Yes; but inexperienced feet, + With pace that's fast and a style that's neat, + At first can scarcely be expected + O'er frozen waters to glide and fleet. + + "_Have them on, Sir?_" Old Time was there, + With the shining steels and the ready chair. + His latest pupil is passing yonder, + No more the ice-locked waters to dare. + + _His_ feet are tired and his knees are stiff, + _His_ breath comes low in a wheezy whiff. + He'll now "lay up," like a worn-out wherry. + 'Tis yours to start like a new-launched skiff. + + How many a novice that Skate-man old + Has helped to onset alert and bold! + How many a veteran worn seen vanish, + Aching with effort and pinched with cold! + + And you, young novice, 'tis now your turn + Your skates to try and your steps to learn. + You long to fly like the skimming swallow, + To brave the breathless "scurry" you burn. + + He knows, he knows, your aged guide! + The screws are fixed, and the straps are tied, + And he looks sharp out for the shambling stagger, + The elbows wobbling, the knees too wide. + + But boyhood's hopeful, and youth has pluck; + And now, when scarcely your steel hath struck + The slithery ice in your first bold venture, + _Punch_, friendly watcher, will wish you luck! + + He too has seen some novices start, + And knows, however you play your part, + The "outside edge," and attendant perils, + Will tax your sinews and test your heart. + + But most on the ice does the old saw hold-- + "Be bold, be bold, but be not _too_ bold!" + Though there's many a rotten patch marked "Danger!" + Young hearts are warm if the weather be cold. + + Bravo, youngster! Steady! Strike out! + Caution, yes, but not palsying doubt. + Courage! and you--ere your course you finish-- + May beat "Fish" SMART at a flying bout! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S KRISMUS HIM. + + How werry warious is the reasons why + We welcoms Crismus with a ringing cheer! + The Skoolboy nos his hollidays is nigh, + And treats the hale stout Porter to sum Beer. + + The Cook and Ousemaid smiles upon the Baker, + Who takes his little fee without no blush, + Likewise upon the Butcher and Shoo Maker + Who makes their calls dispite the Sno or Slush. + + The Dustman cums a crying out for "Dust," + But nos full well that isn't wot he seeks, + And gits his well-earned shilling with the fust, + And smiles on Mary as his thanks he speaks. + + The Groser smart, as likewise his Green Brother, + In their best close cums with a modest ring, + And having got their orders, one and tother, + Smilingly asks for jest one other thing. + + The Postman's dubbel nock cums to each door, + Whether he has a Letter got or no, + The stingy Master thinks his call a bore, + And gives his paltry shilling werry slow. + + The jowial Waiter shows unwonted joy! + And hails his Crismus with becoming glee! + Knowing full well _his_ plezzurs newer cloy, + Who gets from ewery Gest a dubble fee! + + Why are not all men like the jowial Waiter, + Allers content with what kind Fortune brings, + Whether it's Turtel Soop or a meer tater, + He sets a pattern to Lord Mares and Kings. + + Then let us all while Crismus time we're keeping, + Whether we barsks in fortune's smile or frown, + Be thankful for the harwest we are reaping, + And give a thort to them whose luck is down. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + + HISTORICAL PARALLELS.--Two Directories. The French + _Directoire_ was a short-lived stopgap of not unmixed + benefit to France, but our English Directory, yclept + KELLY'S, for 1890, directorily, or indirectorily, + supplies all our wants, comes always "as a boon and a + blessing to men," and is within a decade of becoming a + hale and hearty centenarian. _Vivat_ KELLY! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE START] + + * * * * * + +UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS. + +"Tres volontiers," repartit le demon. + +"Vous aimez les tableaux changeans: je veux vous contenter." + +_Le Diable Boiteux._ + +[Illustration] + +XV. + + Down through the night we drifted slow, the rays + From London's countless gas-jets starred the haze + O'er which we darkly hovered. + Broad loomed the bulk of WREN'S colossal dome + Through the grey mist, which, like a sea of foam, + The sleeping city covered. + + "The year," the Shadow murmured, "nears its close. + Lo! how they swarm in slumber, friends and foes, + Kindred and utter strangers, + The millions of this Babylon, stretched beneath + The shroud of night, and drawing peaceful breath, + Unstirred by dreads and dangers." + + "But not by dreams," I answered, "Canst reveal, + O Shade, the vagrant thoughts that throng and steal + About these countless pillows? + Or are these sleeping souls as shut to thee + As is the unsounded silence of the sea + To those who brave its billows?" + + "Dreams?" smiled the Shadow. "What I see right well + Your eyes may not behold. Yet can I tell + Their import as unravelled + By subtler sense, whilst through these souls they pass! + What said the demon to _Don Cleophas_ + As o'er Madrid they travelled? + + "Such dreams as haunt us near the glimmering morn + Shadow forth truth; these through the Gates of Horn + Find passage to the sleeper. + Prophetic? Nay! But sense therein may read + The heart's desire, in pangs of love or greed; + What divination deeper? + + "Yon Statesman, struggling in the nightmare's grip, + Fears he has let Time's scanty forelock slip, + And lost a great occasion + Of self-advancement. How that mouth's a-writhe + With hate, on platforms oft so blandly blithe + In golden-tongued persuasion! + + "He, blindly blundering, as through baffling mist, + Is a professional philanthropist, + Rosy-gilled, genial, hearty. + A mouthing Friend of Man. He dreams he's deep + In jungles of self-interest, where creep + Sleuth-hounds of creed and party. + + "That sleek-browed sleeper? 'Tis the Great Pooh-pooh, + The 'Mugwump' of the _Weekly Whillaloo_, + A most superior creature; + Too high for pity and too cold for wrath; + The pride of dawdlers on the Higher Path + Suffuses every feature. + + "Contemptuous, he, of clamorous party strife, + And all the hot activities of life; + But most the Politician + He mocks--for 'meanness.' How the prig would gasp + If shown the slime-trail of that wriggling asp + In his own haunts Elysian! + + "He dreams Creation, cleared of vulgar noise, + Is dedicate to calm aesthetic joys, + That he is limply lolling + Amidst the lilies that toil not nor spin, + Given quite to dandy scorn, and dainty sin, + And languor, and 'log-rolling.' + + "The head which on that lace-trimmed pillow lies + Is fair as Psyche's. Yes, those snow-veiled eyes + Look Dian-pure and saintly. + Sure no Aholibah could own those lips, + Through whose soft lusciousness the bland breath slips + So fragrantly and faintly. + + "That up-curved arm which bears the silken knot + Of dusky hair, is it more free from blot + Than is her soul who slumbers? + Her visions? Of 'desirable young men,' + Who crowd round her like swine round Circe's pen + In ever-swelling numbers. + + "Of Love? Nay, but of lovers. Love's a lean + And impecunious urchin; lovers mean + Gifts, worship, triumph--Money! + The Golden Apple is the fruit to witch + Our modern Atalantas. To be rich, + Live on life's milk and honey; + + "Stir crowds, charm royalties,--these are the things + Psyche most cares for, not her radiant wings + Or Cupid's shy caresses. + She dreams of conquests that a world applauds, + Or a Stage-wardrobe with a thousand gauds, + And half-a-hundred dresses. + + "Not so, that other sleeper, stretched at length, + A spectre stripped of charm and shorn of strength, + In yon dismantled chamber. + Dreams she of girlhood's couch, the lavender + Of country sheets, a roof where pigeons whirr + And creamy roses clamber? + + "Of him the red-faced swain whose rounded eyes + Dwelt on her charms in moony ecstacies? + Of pride, of shame, of sorrow? + Nay, of what now seems Nature's crowning good; + Hunger-wrought dreams are hers of food--food--food. + She'll wake from them to-morrow; + + "Wake fiercely famishing, savagely sick, + The animal in man is quick, so quick + To stir and claim full forage. + Let famine parch the hero's pallid lips, + Pinch Beauty's breast, then watch the swift eclipse + Of virtue, sweetness, courage! + + "Cynical? Sense leaves that to callow youth + And callous age; plain picturing of the truth + Seems cynical,--to folly. + Friend, the true cynic is the shallow mime + Who paints humanity devoid of crime, + And life supremely 'jolly,' + + "See such an one, in scented sheets a-loll! + Rich fare and rosy wine have lapped his soul + In a _bon-vivant's_ slumbers. + His pen lies there, the ink is scarcely dry + With which he sketched the smug philosophy + Of Cant and Christmas Numbers. + + "He dreams of--holly, home, exuberant hearts, + Picturesque poverty, the toys and tarts + Of childhood's hope?--No, verily! + 'Tis a dream-world of pleasure, power, and pelf, + Visions of the apocalypse of Self, + O'er which his soul laughs merrily." + + "Enough!" I cried. "The morning's earliest gleams + Will soon dissolve this pageantry of dreams. + The New Year's at our portals. + Unselfishness, and purity, and hope, + Dawn with it through the dream-world's cloudy cope, + Even on slumbering mortals." + + "Granted," the Shadow answered. "Poppy-Land + Is not _all_ Appetite and Humbug bland. + Myriads of night-capped noddles + We must leave unexplored. Their owners oft + Are saints austere, or sympathisers soft, + Truth's types and Virtue's models!" + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +PREPARING TO MEET AN EPIDEMIC.--If you sit all day in your great coat, +muffled up to the eyes in a woollen comforter and with your feet in +constantly replenished mustard and hot water, as you propose, you will +certainly be prepared, when it makes its appearance, to encounter the +attack of the Russian Epidemic Influenza, that you so much dread. Your +idea of taking a dose of some advertised Patent Medicine every other +hour, as a preventive, is by no means a bad one, and your resolution to +shut yourself up in your house, see no friends, open no letters, read no +newspapers, and live entirely on tinned meats for three months, might +possibly secure you from the chances of an attack; but on the whole we +should rather advise you to carry out your plan of leaving the country +altogether and seeking a temporary asylum in South Central Africa until +you are assured that the contagion has blown over, as the preferable +one. Anyhow you might try it. Meanwhile, certainly drench your clothes +with disinfectants, fill your hat with cotton wool steeped in spirits of +camphor, and if you meet any friends in the street, prevent them +addressing you, by keeping them at arm's-length with your walking-stick, +or, better still, if you have it with you, your opened umbrella. They +may or they may not understand your motive, and when they do, though +they may not respect you for your conduct, it is just possible that they +may not seriously resent it. Your precautionary measures, if +scrupulously carried out, should certainly ensure your safety. Put them +in hand at once, and be sure you let us hear from you next Spring +informing us, on the whole, how you have got on. + + * * * * * + + WHAT POCKET-BOOKS TO GET.--Mark us; WARD'S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUNTING HINTS.----HOW TO KEEP THE THING GOING DURING A +SNOW.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE + + THE BARON'S Booking-Office is still decked about with holly, + For the Season that at any rate's conventionally "jolly," + Is by no means wholly over, and the very hard-worked Baron + Feels rather like a sort of tired-out literary Charon, + With an over-laden ferry-boat, and passengers too numerous. + For seasonable "novelties"--and "notions" quaint and humorous + Still crowd on him, and claim his constant critical attention, + Some may escape his notice, but a few more he must mention + MARCUS WARD'S are good as usual, and his "Christmas Cheque Book"'s funny; + Though rather a sardonic "sell" to parties short of money. + CASTELL BROTHERS' Cards are charming, but the words "Printed in Germany," + The patriotic Baron irk, or may he turn a Merman! He + Can't see why pictured prettiness should be beyond _home_-printing. + He doesn't want to dogmatise, but really can't help _hinting!_ + _Scout's Head_, by LANGBRIDGE, boys will like. JEROME K. JEROME'S + _Stage-Land_, + Which BERNARD PARTRIDGE illustrates, might tickle e'en the sage land + Of Puritan Philistia at Clapham-Rise or Barnsbury. + And now let us the memory of Christmas Cards and yarns bury + In a right bowl of stingo, in the which the Baron cheerily + Drinks to his readers heartily, sincerely, and Happy-New-Year-ily! + +Once upon a time Mr. LEWIS CARROLL wrote a marvellously grotesque, +fantastic, and humorous book called _Alice in Wonderland_, and on +another occasion he wrote _Through the Looking-Glass_, in which _Alice_ +reappeared, and then the spring of Mr. LEWIS CARROLL'S fanciful humour +apparently dried up, for he has done nothing since worth mentioning in +the same breath with his two first works; and if his writings have been +by comparison watery, unlike water, they have never risen by inherent +quality to their original level. Of his latest book, called _Sylvie and +Bruno_, I can make neither head nor tale. It seems a muddle of all +sorts, including a little bit of Bible thrown in. It will be bought, +because LEWIS CARROLL'S name is to it, and it will be enjoyed for the +sake of Mr. FURNISS'S excellent illustrations, but for no other reason, +that I can see. I feel inclined to carol to CARROLL, "O don't you +remember sweet ALICE?" and, if so, please be good enough to wake her up +again, if you can. + +M. FREDERIC MAYER'S International Almanack takes my breath away. It is +overwhelmingly international. Most useful to the International +Theatre-goer, as there are plans of all the principal theatres in +Europe, with the seats numbered, so that you have only to wire (answer +paid) to the Theatre Francais for _fauteuil d'orchestre_ Number 20, to +Drury Lane in the same way, to the Operahaus, Berlin ("Open Haus" sounds +so internationally hospitable) for _Parquet_ Number 200 (so as to get a +good view), to the Wallner Theater, Berlin, for something of the same +sort, or to La Scala, Milan, for the sixth _Sedie d'orchestra_ on the +left (as the numbers are not given--why?) and you'll be accommodated. +Then with ease the internationalist can learn when the Moon is full, +_Pleine Lune_, _Vollmond_, _Luna Piena_ and _Luna Ilena_ in five +languages. The Italian, the Spaniard, the French, the Englishman, the +German and the Dutchman can find out all about the different +watering-places of Europe, each one in his own native tongue, and all +about "the Court of Arches" in London and Madrid. There is the Jewish +and also the Mahommedan Calendar, but I see nothing about the Greek +Kalends. I am not quite sure that the Bulgarians will be quite +satisfied, and I should say, that the Aborigines of Central Africa will +have a distinct grievance, which M. FREDERIC MAYER will rectify after an +interview with Mr. STANLEY. It's a wonderful production, and as it gives +postal rates and cab-fares in ever so many languages, it will be of +great practical value to the traveller. But no list of cab-fares is +perfect without a model row with the driver in eight languages, +including some bad language and directions as to the shortest route to +the nearest police court. + +Our good Doctor ROOSE _in urbe_, has just published a _brochure_, +dealing with the origin, treatment, and prevention (for there is +apparently no cure) of the fell disease to which, and for a multitude of +whose victims, Father DAMIEN died a martyr. If in the Doctor's treatment +of this subject after his own peculiar fashion _a la_ ROOSE, he can help +to alleviate present suffering and materially assist the crusade now +being undertaken against this common enemy, he will have contributed his +share of energy in starting 1890 hopefully. + +Those who suffer from indigestion at this festive season, and wish to +intensify the effects of the malady, will do well to read a new book +entitled _Master of his Fate_, by J. MACLAREN COBBAN, who, if he does +not write well, that is, judging his style from a hypercritical purist's +point of view, yet contrives to interest you with a story almost as +sensational as that of _Hyde and Jekyl_. The _Master of his Fate_ might +have had for its second title, _Or, The Accomplished Modern Vampire_, +the hero being a sort of a vampire, but not one of the good old school. + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE SERVANTS." + +_Lady Patroness_ (_Registry Office of Charitable Society_). "AND WHY ARE +YOU LEAVING YOUR PRESENT PLACE?" + +_Small Applicant._ "PLEASE, 'M, THE LADY SAID SHE CAN DO WITH A LESS +EXPERIENCED SERVANT!"] + + * * * * * + +AMONG THE AMATEURS. + +No. II.--PREPARATION. + +SCENE.--_The Theatre of the provincial town of Blankbury. A company of +Amateurs, the "Thespian Wanderers," are rehearsing the well-known Comedy +of "Heads or Tails?" Amongst them are our friends_ BUCKSTONE BOLDERO, +TIFFINGTON SPINKS, CHARLIE GUSHBY, _and_ HARRY HALL. _Besides these, we +may note_ Colonel THOMAS CLUMK, _an ex-military Amateur, who devotes +more time to acting small parts and talking big about them than he ever +did to soldiering. Then there is_ ANDREW JARP, _a portly and elderly +partner in a considerable firm of Solicitors, and an actor who, by long +practice, has grown perfect in the part of a Family Butler. His office +is in the City, and he drives down to it every morning in a private +brougham, fitted with a looking-glass, by the help of which he studies +the air and deportment characteristic of a modern Seneschal. He is a man +of few words, off as well as on the stage; but his eyes flash fury if he +hears his favourite Art derided by the scoffer._ HORATIO SPUFFIL _is +also in the cast. He has dabbled in literature, but has lately abandoned +such frivolity, and been elected a Member of the London County Council. +A few rising Amateur Supers complete the male portion of the cast. The +Ladies' parts are played by professional Actresses, of the Theatres +Royal generally, who happen to be, as they pleasantly express it in +their advertisements in the "Era," "resting"_--Miss DOROTHY SHUTTLE, +Miss AMELIA SLIMPER, _who are new to the Amateurs,_ and KITTY LARKINGS, +_who has "assisted" the "Thespian Wanderers" before._ BOLDERO _is Stage +Manager. The Stage is occupied by_ SPINKS (_as_ Colonel DEBENHAM, _a +retired Indian Officer_), GUSHBY (_as_ TOM TILBURY, _a comic Country +Squire_), _and_ DOROTHY SHUTTLE (_as_ BELINDA, _Nurserymaid in the +family of_ Lord _and_ Lady SHORTHORN, _represented respectively by_ +BOLDERO _and_ Miss AMELIA). + +_Boldero_ (_from the front of the house_). Stop a moment! You know we +really must settle what we are to do about those two children that +_Belinda's_ got to wheel on in the double perambulator. I asked the +Duchess of MIDDLESEX to lend us her twins for a couple of nights, but +she writes to say they've just got the measles. Isn't there any one here +who can help us? [_The three Ladies titter._ + +_Gushby_ (_in whose breast the leading part played by_ SPINKS _still +rankles_). Why not let SPINKS do it? He's always wanting to "double" +parts, and here's a splendid chance for him. + +_Spinks_ (_coldly_). That's _very_ funny--really _very_ funny, GUSHBY. +It's a pity "Colonel DEBENHAM" (_alluding to his own role in the +comedy_) isn't a _clown's_ part. I'd give it up to you right off, if it +was. Ha, ha! (_bitterly_). + +_Colonel Clumk_. There's a man in my old regiment who's got two +red-haired brats; but he wants ten shillings a night for 'em. + +_Boldero._ That's pretty stiff. However, I'll inspect them to-morrow. +Let's get on a bit now. Come, SPINKS! + +_Spinks._ Where were we? (_With an air of intense annoyance._) These +constant interruptions put one off so. Oh, yes, I remember. (_Resumes +rehearsing the part of_ "Colonel DEBENHAM.") "Nursemaid, take those +squalling infants away. I'm surprised at Lady SHORTHORN permitting them +in the drawing-room. Wheel them away at once--at once, I say; or I'll +make curry-powder of the lot of you!" + +_Miss Dorothy Shuttle_ (_as_ "BELINDA"). "Well, I'm sure; I never was so +spoken to afore. (_To her imaginary children._) Did the horrid man scold +them, then, pretty dears? (_To_ DEBENHAM.) You a Colonel? You ain't fit +to be a General in the Salvation Army. Imperence!" [_Exit, wheeling +an imaginary perambulator._ + +_Boldero_ (_enthusiastically_). Excellent! That couldn't have been done +better. When we get the perambulator and the babies, it's bound to go. +(Miss DOROTHY SHUTTLE _is much pleased, and foresees several stalls +being taken on the occasion of her next benefit._) Now, then (_to_ +SPINKS, _who thinks it a mistake that a Stage Manager should stop to +praise anybody, with one exception, of course, at rehearsal_), SPINKS, +hurry up a bit, hurry up! + +_Spinks._ My dear BOLDERO, I'm perfectly ready to begin as soon as ever +the talking stops. I know my cues, I fancy; but it's quite hopeless to +get on if _everybody_ wants to talk at the same moment. (_Resumes his +part as_ "Colonel DEBENHAM," _shaking his fist at the departing_ +BELINDA.) "Impertinent minx! (_Turns furiously on_ GUSHBY, _who is on +the stage in the character of_ TILBURY, _the comic Squire._) And you, +Sir, what in the name of fifty thousand jackasses, do you mean by +standing there grinning from ear to ear like a buck nigger? But I'll not +stand it any longer, Sir, not for a moment. D'ye hear, you miserable +turnip-faced bumpkin, d'ye hear?" (_Carried away by histrionic +enthusiasm_, SPINKS _brings his fist down violently on the precise spot +where a table ought to be, but is not, standing. As a natural result, he +hits himself with much force on his leg. The others laugh, and the +Ladies turn away giggling, feeling that they ought to be sympathetic. +The unfortunate_ SPINKS _hurts himself considerably, and is furious. +Coming, as it were, right out of the part, and being temporarily himself +again, only in a rage, he addresses the Stage Manager._) Upon my soul, +BOLDERO, this is perfectly infamous. How often have I begged you to get +that table placed there _at all costs_, and time after time you forget +it. I know what it is; you want to make me ridiculous. But you'll be +d---- (_suddenly remembers that ladies are present, and substitutes a +milder expletive_)--confoundedly sorry for yourself when you find I'm +too lame to act, and the whole of your precious piece will be ruined. +You'll none of you get notices worth twopence from the critics. +[_Limps up and down the Stage._ + +_Miss Amelia Slimper_ (_rather a novice, and anxious to make useful +acquaintances among the distinguished Amateurs--to_ Miss KITTY, +_whispering_). Are they very keen about notices? + +_Miss Kitty_ (_experienced in Amateurs_). Keen! I should think they +were. They talk about nothing else when it's over. + +_Boldero_ (_peaceably_). Well, SPINKS, you know you smashed two tables +last week, and I thought we agreed to rehearse without one. But I'll see +it's there next time. Now then, JARP! Where's JARP? This is his +entrance. Where the deuce is he? (_Enter_ JARP _as_ "Mr. BINNS, _Butler +to_ Lord SHORTHORN"). Dear me, JARP, what have you been up to? + +_Jarp_ (_vexed_). What have I been up to? I'll tell you. I've been +learning my part, and it would be a good thing if everybody were to +follow my example, instead of talking all day. + +_Boldero._ JARP, don't be sarcastic. It doesn't suit you. Let's see if +you know your part, after all this. + +JARP (_as_ BINNS, _without moving a muscle_). "'Er Ladyship's +compliments, Colonel DEBENHAM, and she would like to see you." + +_Spinks_ (_as_ DEBENHAM). "Very well. Tell her I'll come." + +_Jarp_ (_as_ BINNS). "Yes, Sir." + +[_Exit_ JARP _as_ BINNS, _but immediately becomes_ JARP, _and complains +to the young Ladies that these fellows never will rehearse properly. The +professional Ladies sympathise with him, and admit that it is very +provoking, and_ Miss AMELIA _takes the opportunity of expressing her +confident opinion that he_, JARP, _will play his part admirably, and +only wonders that he hasn't got more to do. Then somehow the +conversation wanders towards professional matters, and the probability +of_ Miss AMELIA _being engaged next season at a fashionable London +Theatre, &c., &c._ + +_Miss Dorothy_ (_aside, in a whisper, to_ Miss KITTY, _alluding to_ +JARP'S _recent exit_). Is that all he's got to say? + +_Miss Kitty_ (_in same tone to_ Miss DOROTHY). Not quite. He says, "'Er +Ladyship is served!" in the next Act. A part like that takes a deal of +learning. + +[_The rehearsal proceeds._ SPUFFIL _does wonders as "a young man about +town";_ Colonel CLUMK _performs the part of a Country Clergyman in a +manner suggestive rather of a Drill-sergeant than a Vicar._ BOLDERO +_having praised_ SPINKS, _is pronounced by the latter to be +unapproachable as_ Lord SHORTHORN. _In the Third Act_, HALL _sings his +song about_ "the Boy in Buttons." _On the previous day, he had had a +difference with_ SPINKS _and_ BOLDERO. + +_Boldero._ I think that song's out of place. What say you, SPINKS? + +_Spinks._ Well, it does sound just a trifle vulgar. + +_Boldero._ Yes. I think we shall have to cut it, HALL. It'll do for next +year just as well. You can make it fit any piece? + +_Hall_ (_pale, but determined_). If that song goes, I go too. Oh, yes, +SPINKS, it's all very well for you to be so blessed polite to BOLDERO, +but you didn't seem to think much of his acting (_observes_ SPUFFIL +_smiling_) no, nor of SPUFFIL'S either, when you spoke to me yesterday: +and as for GUSHBY, why we all know what GUSHBY is. + +[_All join in the fight, which continues for ten minutes._ + +_Boldero_ (_looking at his watch_). Good heavens! we shall miss our +train, and I've promised to look in on IRVING to-night. He'd never +forgive me if I didn't turn up. + +[_Smiles of quiet intelligence appear on the faces of the other +Amateurs, accompanied with a few winks, which like "laughter in Court," +are "immediately suppressed." Exeunt omnes, severally, each pleased with +himself, and more or less disgusted with everybody else._ + +_Miss Amelia_ (_to_ KITTY). What a funny lot! Are they like that every +year? + +_Miss Kitty._ Yes, always. But (_confidentially_) they do come out +strong for a "ben." + +[_They retire to their lodgings for a little quiet tea and a rest._ + + * * * * * + +A MID-WINTER'S NIGHT'S DREAM. + +[Illustration] + +Surely AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS has triumphed and beaten the record! For the +last nine years it has been the cry, "There never was so good a +Pantomime as _this_ one," and now again the shout is repeated. _Jack and +the Beanstalk_ is the eleventh of the series, and the best. "How it is +done?" only AUGUSTUS can answer. The Annual (no longer, alas! written by +the gentle and genial E. L. B.) has an excellent book. It contains +something of all sorts. Now we have SHAKSPEARE'S fairy-land with +_Oberon_, _Titania_, and _Puck_, then HARRY NICHOLL'S Royal Palace with +Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL and Miss HARRIET VERNON, then Madame KATTI LANNER'S +Market Place, with a number of the most promising of her pupils (of all +ages too, from the tiny child to the "ceased-growing-a-long-while-ago") +then Mrs. SIMPSON'S Back Garden, with Mr. GEORGE CONQUEST junior as a +giant, Mr. DAN LENO as a widow, and the Brothers GRIFFITHS as the Cow +Company Limited, and lastly, controlling the whole, we have Mr. AUGUSTUS +HARRIS who is seen at his very best when we reach the Giant's Library +and the realms of Olympus. + +And this Pantomime is not only beautiful but amusing. It has two grand +processions, but this year, by good stage-management, neither is +tedious. The Shakspearean Heroines do a little play-acting between +whiles, and the gods and goddesses, or rather their attendants, +manoeuvre before the eye becomes weary of watching their approach. For +instance, Mars has scarcely time to swagger down to the foot-lights in +the most appropriate and approved fashion, before he finds himself +called upon to stand near a private box on the prompt side, to be well +out of the way of his dancing terpsichorean satellites. _Lady Macbeth_ +has hardly "taken the daggers" before _King Lear_ (Mr. LORRAINE) is +bringing a furtive tear to the eyes of all beholders (_one_ tear is +sufficient at Christmastide) by his touching pantomime in the presence +of his three fair daughters. + +Then, too, Mr. HARRY PAYNE has _his_ chance, and makes the most of it. +It was quite pleasant to see the Clown on Boxing-Night, and those who +left the theatre mindful of trains that will not delay the hours fixed +for their departure, must have determined (if they were wise people) to +come again to witness the remainder of the performances. Then those who +liked acrobats had the Leopold Troupe, and a strong man who lifted up a +horse (but did not have his own name, or the name of his charger, on the +programme) to delight them. And it was also a pleasing reflection to +remember that the entertainment was the result of solid hard work, +combined with excellent judgment and taste. Paterfamilias could say to +Young Hopeful home for the holidays, "See here, my lad, the lessee of +our National Theatre could never have caused us so much thorough +enjoyment had he not worked with a will that you will do well to imitate +when you return to Dr. SWISHTALES' Academy at the conclusion of the +Christmas vacation." And so all can cry with genuine enthusiasm:--"_Ave_, +AUGUSTUS! _Ave_, DRURIOLANUS! _Ave_, IMPERATOR! _Ave! Ave!_--and NICHOLLS." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI +VOLUME 98, JANUARY 4, 1890*** + + +******* This file should be named 25685.txt or 25685.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/5/6/8/25685 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://www.gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/25685.zip b/25685.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..25bf126 --- /dev/null +++ b/25685.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9326d77 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #25685 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/25685) |
