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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/2551-0.txt b/2551-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..56fd1db --- /dev/null +++ b/2551-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5814 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Droll Stories, Volume 3, by Honoré de Balzac + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Droll Stories, Volume 3 + +Author: Honoré de Balzac + +Release Date: August 23, 2004 [EBook #2551] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 3 *** + + + + +Produced by John Bickers, Ian Hodgson, Dagny and Emma Dudding + + + + + DROLL STORIES + + COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE + + VOLUME III + THE THIRD TEN TALES + + BY + + HONORÉ DE BALZAC + + + + + CONTENTS + +THE THIRD TEN TALES + +PROLOGUE +PERSEVERANCE IN LOVE +CONCERNING A PROVOST WHO DID NOT RECOGNISE THINGS +ABOUT THE MONK AMADOR, WHO WAS A GLORIOUS ABBOT OF TURPENAY +BERTHA THE PENITENT +HOW THE PRETTY MAID OF PORTILLON CONVINCED HER JUDGE +IN WHICH IT IS DEMONSTRATED THAT FORTUNE IS ALWAYS FEMININE +CONCERNING A POOR MAN WHO WAS CALLED LE VIEUX PAR-CHEMINS +ODD SAYINGS OF THREE PILGRIMS +INNOCENCE +THE FAIR IMPERIA MARRIED +EPILOGUE + + + + + THIRD TEN TALES + + + + PROLOGUE + +Certain persons have interrogated the author as to why there was such +a demand for these tales that no year passes without his giving an +instalment of them, and why he has lately taken to writing commas +mixed up with bad syllables, at which the ladies publicly knit their +brows, and have put to him other questions of a like character. + +The author declares that these treacherous words, cast like pebbles in +his path, have touched him in the very depths of his heart, and he is +sufficiently cognisant of his duty not to fail to give to his special +audience in this prologue certain reasons other than the preceding +ones, because it is always necessary to reason with children until +they are grown up, understand things, and hold their tongues; and +because he perceives many mischievous fellows among the crowd of noisy +people, who ignore at pleasure the real object of these volumes. + +In the first place know, that if certain virtuous ladies--I say +virtuous because common and low class women do not read these stories, +preferring those that are never published; on the contrary, other +citizens' wives and ladies, of high respectability and godliness, +although doubtless disgusted with the subject-matter, read them +piously to satisfy an evil spirit, and thus keep themselves virtuous. +Do you understand, my good reapers of horns? It is better to be +deceived by the tale of a book than cuckolded through the story of a +gentleman. You are saved the damage by this, poor fools! besides +which, often your lady becomes enamoured, is seized with fecund +agitations to your advantage, raised in her by the present book. +Therefore do these volumes assist to populate the land and maintain it +in mirth, honour and health. I say mirth, because much is to be +derived from these tales. I say honour, because you save your nest +from the claws of that youthful demon named cuckoldom in the language +of the Celts. I say health, because this book incites that which was +prescribed by the Church of Salerno, for the avoidance of cerebral +plethora. Can you derive a like proof in any other typographically +blackened portfolios? Ha! ha! where are the books that make children? +Think! Nowhere. But you will find a glut of children making books +which beget nothing but weariness. + +But to continue. Now be it known that when ladies, of a virtuous +nature and a talkative turn of mind, converse publicly on the subject +of these volumes, a great number of them, far from reprimanding the +author, confess that they like him very much, esteem him a valiant +man, worthy to be a monk in the Abbey of Theleme. For as many reasons +as there are stars in the heavens, he does not drop the style which he +has adopted in these said tales, but lets himself be vituperated, and +keeps steadily on his way, because noble France is a woman who refuses +to yield, crying, twisting about, and saying, + +"No, no, never! Oh, sir, what are you going to do? I won't let you; +you'd rumple me." + +And when the volume is done and finished, all smiles, she exclaims, + +"Oh, master, are there any more to come?" + +You may take it for granted that the author is a merry fellow, who +troubles himself little about the cries, tears and tricks of the lady +you call glory, fashion, or public favour, for he knows her to be a +wanton who would put up with any violence. He knows that in France her +war-cry is _Mount Joy_! A fine cry indeed, but one which certain +writers have disfigured, and which signifies, "Joy it is not of the +earth, it is there; seize it, otherwise good-bye." The author has this +interpretation from Rabelais, who told it to him. If you search +history, has France ever breathed a word when she was joyous mounted, +bravely mounted, passionately mounted, mounted and out of breath? She +goes furiously at everything, and likes this exercise better than +drinking. Now, do you not see that these volumes are French, joyfully +French, wildly French, French before, French behind, French to the +backbone. Back then, curs! strike up the music; silence, bigots! +advance my merry wags, my little pages, put your soft hands into the +ladies' hands and tickle them in the middle--of the hand of course. +Ha! ha! these are high sounding and peripatetic reasons, or the author +knows nothing of sound and the philosophy of Aristotle. He has on his +side the crown of France and the oriflamme of the king and Monsieur +St. Denis, who, having lost his head, said "Mount-my-Joy!" Do you mean +to say, you quadrupeds, that the word is wrong? No. It was certainly +heard by a great many people at the time; but in these days of deep +wretchedness you believe nothing concerning the good old saints. + +The author has not finished yet. Know all ye who read these tales with +eye and hand, feel them in the head alone, and love them for the joy +they bring you, and which goes to your heart, know that the author +having in an evil hour let his ideas, _id est_, his inheritance, go +astray, and being unable to get them together again, found himself in +a state of mental nudity. Then he cried like the woodcutter in the +prologue of the book of his dear master Rabelais, in order to make +himself heard by the gentleman on high, Lord Paramount of all things, +and obtain from Him fresh ideas. This said Most High, still busy with +the congress of the time, threw to him through Mercury an inkstand +with two cups, on which was engraved, after the manner of a motto, +these three letters, _Ave_. Then the poor fellow, perceiving no other +help, took great care to turn over this said inkstand to find out the +hidden meaning of it, thinking over the mysterious words and trying to +find a key to them. First, he saw that God was polite, like the great +Lord as He is, because the world is His, and He holds the title of it +from no one. But since, in thinking over the days of his youth, he +remembered no great service rendered to God, the author was in doubt +concerning this hollow civility, and pondered long without finding out +the real substance of the celestial utensil. By reason of turning it +and twisting it about, studying it, looking at it, feeling it, +emptying it, knocking it in an interrogatory manner, smacking it down, +standing it up straight, standing it on one side, and turning it +upside down, he read backwards _Eva_. Who is _Eva_, if not all women +in one? Therefore by the Voice Divine was it said to the author: + +Think of women; woman will heal thy wound, stop the waste-hole in thy +bag of tricks. Woman is thy wealth; have but one woman, dress, +undress, and fondle that women, make use of the woman--woman is +everything--woman has an inkstand of her own; dip thy pen in that +bottomless inkpot. Women like love; make love to her with the pen +only, tickle her phantasies, and sketch merrily for her a thousand +pictures of love in a thousand pretty ways. Woman is generous, and all +for one, or one for all, must pay the painter, and furnish the hairs +of the brush. Now, muse upon that which is written here. _Ave_, Hail, +_Eva_, woman; or _Eva_, woman, _Ave_, Hail. Yes, she makes and +unmakes. Heigh, then, for the inkstand! What does woman like best? +What does she desire? All the special things of love; and woman is +right. To have children, to produce an imitation, of nature, which is +always in labour. Come to me, then, woman!--come to me, Eva! + +With this the author began to dip into that fertile inkpot, where +there was a brain-fluid, concocted by virtues from on high in a +talismanic fashion. From one cup there came serious things, which +wrote themselves in brown ink; and from the other trifling things, +which merely gave a roseate hue to the pages of the manuscript. The +poor author has often, from carelessness, mixed the inks, now here, +now there; but as soon as the heavy sentences, difficult to smooth, +polish, and brighten up, of some work suitable to the taste of the day +are finished, the author, eager to amuse himself, in spite of the +small amount of merry ink remaining in the left cup, steals and bears +eagerly therefrom a few penfuls with great delight. These said penfuls +are, indeed, these same Droll Tales, the authority on which is above +suspicion, because it flows from a divine source, as is shown in this +the author's naive confession. + +Certain evil-disposed people will still cry out at this; but can you +find a man perfectly contented on this lump of mud? Is it not a shame? +In this the author has wisely comported himself in imitation of a +higher power; and he proves it by _atqui_. Listen. Is it not most +clearly demonstrated to the learned that the sovereign Lord of worlds +has made an infinite number of heavy, weighty, and serious machines +with great wheels, large chains, terrible notches, and frightfully +complicated screws and weights like the roasting jack, but also has +amused Himself with little trifles and grotesque things light as +zephyrs, and has made also naive and pleasant creations, at which you +laugh directly you see them? Is it not so? Then in all eccentric +works, such as the very spacious edifice undertaken by the author, in +order to model himself upon the laws of the above-named Lord, it is +necessary to fashion certain delicate flowers, pleasant insects, fine +dragons well twisted, imbricated, and coloured--nay, even gilt, +although he is often short of gold--and throw them at the feet of his +snow-clad mountains, piles of rocks, and other cloud-capped +philosophers, long and terrible works, marble columns, real thoughts +carved in porphyry. + +Ah! unclean beasts, who despise and repudiate the figures, phantasies, +harmonies, and roulades of the fair muse of drollery, will you not +pare your claws, so that you may never again scratch her white skin, +all azure with veins, her amorous reins, her flanks of surpassing +elegance, her feet that stay modestly in bed, her satin face, her +lustrous features, her heart devoid of bitterness? Ah! wooden-heads, +what will you say when you find that this merry lass springs from the +heart of France, agrees with all that is womanly in nature, has been +saluted with a polite _Ave_! by the angels in the person of their +spokesman, Mercury, and finally, is the clearest quintessence of Art. +In this work are to be met with necessity, virtue, whim, the desire of +a woman, the votive offering of a stout Pantagruelist, all are here. +Hold your peace, then, drink to the author, and let his inkstand with +the double cup endow the Gay Science with a hundred glorious Droll +Tales. + +Stand back then, curs; strike up the music! Silence, bigots; out of +the way, dunces! step forward my merry wags!--my little pages! give +your soft hand to the ladies, and tickle theirs in the centre in a +pretty manner, saying to them, "Read to laugh." Afterwards you can +tell them some mere jest to make them roar, since when they are +laughing their lips are apart, and they make but a faint resistance to +love. + + + + PERSEVERANCE IN LOVE + +During the first years of the thirteenth century after the coming of +our Divine Saviour there happened in the City of Paris an amorous +adventure, through the deed of a man of Tours, of which the town and +even the king's court was never tired of speaking. As to the clergy, +you will see by that which is related the part they played in this +history, the testimony of which was by them preserved. This said man, +called the Touranian by the common people, because he had been born in +our merry Touraine, had for his true name that of Anseau. In his +latter days the good man returned into his own country and was mayor +of St. Martin, according to the chronicles of the abbey of that town; +but at Paris he was a great silversmith. + +But now in his prime, by his great honesty, his labours, and so forth, +he became a citizen of Paris and subject of the king, whose protection +he bought, according to the custom of the period. He had a house built +for him free of all quit-rent, close the Church of St. Leu, in the Rue +St. Denis, where his forge was well-known by those in want of fine +jewels. Although he was a Touranian, and had plenty of spirit and +animation, he kept himself virtuous as a true saint, in spite of the +blandishments of the city, and had passed the days of his green season +without once dragging his good name through the mire. Many will say +this passes the bounds of that faculty of belief which God has placed +in us to aid that faith due to the mysteries of our holy religion; so +it is needful to demonstrate abundantly the secret cause of this +silversmith's chastity. And, first remember that he came into the town +on foot, poor as Job, according to the old saying; and unlike all the +inhabitants of our part of the country, who have but one passion, he +had a character of iron, and persevered in the path he had chosen as +steadily as a monk in vengeance. As a workman, he laboured from morn +to night; become a master, he laboured still, always learning new +secrets, seeking new receipts, and in seeking, meeting with inventions +of all kinds. Late idlers, watchmen, and vagrants saw always a modest +lamp shining through the silversmith's window, and the good man +tapping, sculpting, rounding, distilling, modeling, and finishing, +with his apprentices, his door closed and his ears open. Poverty +engendered hard work, hard work engendered his wonderful virtue, and +his virtue engendered his great wealth. Take this to heart, ye +children of Cain who eat doubloons and micturate water. If the good +silversmith felt himself possessed with wild desires, which now in one +way, now another, seize upon an unhappy bachelor when the devil tries +to get hold of him, making the sign of the cross, the Touranian +hammered away at his metal, drove out the rebellious spirits from his +brain by bending down over the exquisite works of art, little +engravings, figures of gold and silver forms, with which he appeased +the anger of his Venus. Add to this that this Touranian was an artless +man, of simple understanding, fearing God above all things, then +robbers, next to that of nobles, and more than all, a disturbance. +Although if he had two hands, he never did more than one thing at a +time. His voice was as gentle as that of a bridegroom before marriage. +Although the clergy, the military, and others gave him no reputation +for knowledge, he knew well his mother's Latin, and spoke it correctly +without waiting to be asked. Latterly the Parisians had taught him to +walk uprightly, not to beat the bush for others, to measure his +passions by the rule of his revenues, not to let them take his leather +to make other's shoes, to trust no one farther then he could see them, +never to say what he did, and always to do what he said; never to +spill anything but water; to have a better memory than flies usually +have; to keep his hands to himself, to do the same with his purse; to +avoid a crowd at the corner of a street, and sell his jewels for more +than they cost him; all things, the sage observance of which gave him +as much wisdom as he had need of to do business comfortably and +pleasantly. And so he did, without troubling anyone else. And watching +this good little man unobserved, many said, + +"By my faith, I should like to be this jeweller, even were I obliged +to splash myself up to the eyes with the mud of Paris during a hundred +years for it." + +They might just as well have wished to be king of France, seeing that +the silversmith had great powerful nervous arms, so wonderfully strong +that when he closed his fist the cleverest trick of the roughest +fellow could not open it; from which you may be sure that whatever he +got hold of he stuck to. More than this, he had teeth fit to masticate +iron, a stomach to dissolve it, a duodenum to digest it, a sphincter +to let it out again without tearing, and shoulders that would bear a +universe upon them, like that pagan gentleman to whom the job was +confided, and whom the timely arrival of Jesus Christ discharged from +the duty. He was, in fact, a man made with one stroke, and they are +the best, for those who have to be touched are worth nothing, being +patched up and finished at odd times. In short, Master Anseau was a +thorough man, with a lion's face, and under his eyebrows a glance that +would melt his gold if the fire of his forge had gone out, but a +limpid water placed in his eyes by the great Moderator of all things +tempered this great ardour, without which he would have burnt up +everything. Was he not a splendid specimen of a man? + +With such a sample of his cardinal virtues, some persist in asking why +the good silversmith remained as unmarried as an oyster, seeing that +these properties of nature are of good use in all places. But these +opinionated critics, do they know what it is to love? Ho! Ho! Easy! +The vocation of a lover is to go, to come, to listen, to watch, to +hold his tongue, to talk, to stick in a corner, to make himself big, +to make himself little, to agree, to play music, to drudge, to go to +the devil wherever he may be, to count the gray peas in the dovecote, +to find flowers under the snow, to say paternosters to the moon, to +pat the cat and pat the dog, to salute the friends, to flatter the +gout, or the cold of the aunt, to say to her at opportune moments "You +have good looks, and will yet write the epitaph of the human race." To +please all the relations, to tread on no one's corns, to break no +glasses, to waste no breath, to talk nonsense, to hold ice in his +hand, to say, "This is good!" or, "Really, madam, you are very +beautiful so." And to vary that in a hundred different ways. To keep +himself cool, to bear himself like a nobleman, to have a free tongue +and a modest one, to endure with a smile all the evils the devil may +invent on his behalf, to smother his anger, to hold nature in control, +to have the finger of God, and the tail of the devil, to reward the +mother, the cousin, the servant; in fact, to put a good face on +everything. In default of which the female escapes and leaves you in a +fix, without giving a single Christian reason. In fact, the lover of +the most gentle maid that God ever created in a good-tempered moment, +had he talked like a book, jumped like a flea, turned about like dice, +played like King David, and built for the aforesaid woman the +Corinthian order of the columns of the devil, if he failed in the +essential and hidden thing which pleases his lady above all others, +which often she does not know herself and which he has need to know, +the lass leaves him like a red leper. She is quite right. No one can +blame her for so doing. When this happens some men become +ill-tempered, cross, and more wretched than you can possibly imagine. +Have not many of them killed themselves through this petticoat tyranny? +In this matter the man distinguishes himself from the beast, seeing that +no animal ever yet lost his senses through blighted love, which proves +abundantly that animals have no souls. The employment of a lover is +that of a mountebank, of a soldier, of a quack, of a buffoon, of a +prince, of a ninny, of a king, of an idler, of a monk, of a dupe, of a +blackguard, of a liar, of a braggart, of a sycophant, of a numskull, +of a frivolous fool, of a blockhead, of a know-nothing, of a knave. An +employment from which Jesus abstained, in imitation of whom folks of +great understanding likewise disdain it; it is a vocation in which a +man of worth is required to spend above all things, his time, his +life, his blood, his best words, besides his heart, his soul, and his +brain; things to which the women are cruelly partial, because directly +their tongues begin to go, they say among themselves that if they have +not the whole of a man they have none of him. Be sure, also, that +there are cats, who, knitting their eyebrows, complain that a man does +but a hundred things for them, for the purpose of finding out if there +be a hundred, at first seeing that in everything they desire the most +thorough spirit of conquest and tyranny. And this high jurisprudence +has always flourished among the customs of Paris, where the women +receive more wit at their baptism than in any other place in the +world, and thus are mischievous by birth. + +But our silversmith, always busy at his work, burnishing gold and +melting silver, had no time to warm his love or to burnish and make +shine his fantasies, nor to show off, gad about, waste his time in +mischief, or to run after she-males. Now seeing that in Paris virgins +do not fall into the beds of young men any more than roast pheasants +into the streets, not even when the young men are royal silversmiths, +the Touranian had the advantage of having, as I have before observed, +a continent member in his shirt. However, the good man could not close +his eyes to the advantage of nature with which were so amply furnished +the ladies with whom he dilated upon the value of his jewels. So it +was that, after listening to the gentle discourse of the ladies, who +tried to wheedle and to fondle him to obtain a favour from him, the +good Touranian would return to his home, dreamy as a poet, wretched as +a restless cuckoo, and would say to himself, "I must take to myself a +wife. She would keep the house tidy, keep the plates hot for me, fold +the clothes for me, sew my buttons on, sing merrily about the house, +tease me to do everything according to her taste, would say to me as +they all say to their husbands when they want a jewel, 'Oh, my own +pet, look at this, is it not pretty?' And every one in the quarter +will think of my wife and then of me, and say 'There's a happy man.' +Then the getting married, the bridal festivities, to fondle Madame +Silversmith, to dress her superbly, give her a fine gold chain, to +worship her from crown to toe, to give her the whole management of the +house, except the cash, to give her a nice little room upstairs, with +good windows, pretty, and hung around with tapestry, with a wonderful +chest in it and a fine large bed, with twisted columns and curtains of +yellow silk. He would buy her beautiful mirrors, and there would +always be a dozen or so of children, his and hers, when he came home +to greet him." Then wife and children would vanish into the clouds. He +transferred his melancholy imaginings to fantastic designs, fashioned +his amorous thoughts into grotesque jewels that pleased their buyers +well, they not knowing how many wives and children were lost in the +productions of the good man, who, the more talent he threw into his +art, the more disordered he became. Now if God had not had pity upon +him, he would have quitted this world without knowing what love was, +but would have known it in the other without that metamorphosis of the +flesh which spares it, according to Monsieur Plato, a man of some +authority, but who, not being a Christian, was wrong. But, there! +these preparatory digressions are the idle digressions and fastidious +commentaries which certain unbelievers compel a man to wind about a +tale, swaddling clothes about an infant when it should run about stark +naked. May the great devil give them a clyster with his red-hot +three-pronged fork. I am going on with my story now without further +circumlocution. + +This is what happened to the silversmith in the one-and-fortieth year +of his age. One Sabbath-day while walking on the left bank of the +Seine, led by an idle fancy, he ventured as far as that meadow which +has since been called the Pre-aux-Clercs and which at that time was in +the domain of the abbey of St. Germain, and not in that of the +University. There, still strolling on the Touranian found himself in +the open fields, and there met a poor young girl who, seeing that he +was well-dressed, curtsied to him, saying "Heaven preserve you, +monseigneur." In saying this her voice had such sympathetic sweetness +that the silversmith felt his soul ravished by this feminine melody, +and conceived an affection for the girl, the more so as, tormented +with ideas of marriage as he was, everything was favourable thereto. +Nevertheless, as he had passed the wench by he dared not go back, +because he was as timid as a young maid who would die in her +petticoats rather than raise them for her pleasure. But when he was a +bowshot off he bethought him that he was a man who for ten years had +been a master silversmith, had become a citizen, and was a man of +mark, and could look a woman in the face if his fancy so led him, the +more so as his imagination had great power over him. So he turned +suddenly back, as if he had changed the direction of his stroll, and +came upon the girl, who held by an old cord her poor cow, who was +munching grass that had grown on the border of a ditch at the side of +the road. + +"Ah, my pretty one," said he, "you are not overburdened with the goods +of this world that you thus work with your hands upon the Lord's Day. +Are you not afraid of being cast into prison?" + +"Monseigneur," replied the maid, casting down her eyes, "I have +nothing to fear, because I belong to the abbey. The Lord Abbot has +given me leave to exercise the cow after vespers." + +"You love your cow, then, more than the salvation of your soul?" + +"Ah, monseigneur, our beast is almost the half of our poor lives." + +"I am astonished, my girl, to see you poor and in rags, clothed like a +fagot, running barefoot about the fields on the Sabbath, when you +carry about you more treasures than you could dig up in the grounds of +the abbey. Do not the townspeople pursue, and torment you with love?" + +"Oh, never monseigneur. I belong to the abbey", replied she, showing +the jeweller a collar on her left arm like those that the beasts of +the field have, but without the little bell, and at the same time +casting such a deplorable glance at our townsman that he was stricken +quite sad, for by the eyes are communicated contagions of the heart +when they are strong. + +"And what does this mean?" he said, wishing to hear all about it. + +And he touched the collar, upon which was engraved the arms of the +abbey very distinctly, but which he did not wish to see. + +"Monseigneur, I am the daughter of an homme de corps; thus whoever +unites himself to me by marriage, will become a bondsman, even if he +were a citizen of Paris, and would belong body and goods to the abbey. +If he loved me otherwise, his children would still belong to the +domain. For this reason I am neglected by everyone, abandoned like a +poor beast of the field. But what makes me most unhappy is, that +according to the pleasure of monseigneur the abbot, I shall be coupled +at some time with a bondsman. And if I were less ugly than I am, at +the sight of my collar the most amorous would flee from me as from the +black plague." + +So saying, she pulled her cow by the cord to make it follow her. + +"And how old are you?" asked the silversmith. + +"I do not know, monseigneur; but our master, the abbot, has kept +account." + +This great misery touched the heart of the good man, who had in his +day eaten the bread of sorrow. He regulated his pace to the girl's, +and they went together towards the water in painful silence. The good +man gazed at the fine forehead, the round red arms, the queen's waist, +the feet dusty, but made like those of a Virgin Mary; and the sweet +physiognomy of this girl, who was the living image of St. Genevieve, +the patroness of Paris, and the maidens who live in the fields. And +make sure that this Joseph suspected the pretty white of this sweet +girl's breasts, which were by a modest grace carefully covered with an +old rag, and looked at them as a schoolboy looks at a rosy apple on a +hot day. Also, may you depend upon it that these little hillocks of +nature denoted a wench fashioned with delicious perfection, like +everything that the monks possess. Now, the more it was forbidden our +silversmith to touch them, the more his mouth watered for these fruits +of love. And his heart leaped almost into his mouth. + +"You have a fine cow," said he. + +"Would you like a little milk?" replied she. "It is so warm these +early days of May. You are far from the town." + +In truth, the sky was a cloudless blue, and glared like a forge. +Everything was radiant with youth, the leaves, the air, the girls, the +lads; everything was burning, was green, and smelt like balm. This +naive offer, made without the hope of recompense, though a byzant +would not have paid for the special grace of this speech; and the +modesty of the gesture with which the poor girl turned to him gained +the heart of the jeweller, who would have liked to be able to put this +bondswoman into the skin of a queen, and Paris at her feet. + +"Nay, my child, I thirst not for milk, but for you, whom I would have +leave to liberate." + +"That cannot be, and I shall die the property of the abbey. For years +we have lived so, from father to son, from mother to daughter. Like my +ancestors, I shall pass my days on this land, as will also my +children, because the abbot cannot legally let us go." + +"What!" said the Touranian; "has no gallant been tempted by your +bright eyes to buy your liberty, as I bought mine from the king?" + +"It would cost too dear; thus it is those whom at first sight I +please, go as they came." + +"And you have never thought of gaining another country in company of a +lover on horseback on a fleet courser?" + +"Oh yes. But, monseigneur, if I were caught I should be hanged at +least; and my gallant, even were he a lord, would lose more than one +domain over it, besides other things. I am not worth so much; besides, +the abbey has arms longer than my feet are swift. So I live on in +perfect obedience to God, who has placed me in this plight." + +"What is your father?" + +"He tends the vines in the gardens of the abbey." + +"And your mother?" + +"She is a washerwoman." + +"And what is your name?" + +"I have no name, dear sir. My father was baptised Etienne, my mother +is Etienne, and I am Tiennette, at your service." + +"Sweetheart," said the jeweller, "never has woman pleased me as you +please me; and I believe that your heart contains a wealth of +goodness. Now, since you offered yourself to my eyes at the moment +when I was firmly deliberating upon taking a companion, I believe that +I see in you a sign from heaven! And if I am not displeasing to you, I +beg you to accept me as your friend." + +Immediately the maid lowered her eyes. These words were uttered in +such a way, in so grave a tone, so penetrating a manner, that the said +Tiennette burst into tears. + +"No, monseigneur, I should be the cause of a thousand +unpleasantnesses, and of your misfortune. For a poor bondsmaid, the +conversation has gone far enough." + +"Ho!" cried Anseau; "you do not know, my child, the man you are +dealing with." + +The Touranian crossed himself, joined his hands, and said-- + +"I make a vow to Monsieur the Saint Eloi, under whose invocation are +the silversmiths, to fashion two images of pure silver, with the best +workmanship I am able to perform. One shall be a statue of Madame the +Virgin, to this end, to thank her for the liberty of my dear wife; and +the other for my said patron, if I am successful in my undertaking to +liberate the bondswoman Tiennette here present, and for which I rely +upon his assistance. Moreover, I swear by my eternal salvation, to +persevere with courage in this affair, to spend therein all I process, +and only to quit it with my life. God has heard me," said he. "And +you, little one," he added, turning towards the maid. + +"Ha! monseigneur, look! My cow is running about the fields," cried +she, sobbing at the good man's knees. "I will love you all my life; +but withdraw your vow." + +"Let us to look after the cow," said the silversmith, raising her, +without daring yet to kiss her, although the maid was well disposed to +it. + +"Yes," said she, "for I shall be beaten." + +And behold now the silversmith, scampering after the cursed cow, who +gave no heed to their amours; she was taken by the horns, and held in +the grip of the Touranian, who for a trifle would have thrown her in +the air, like a straw. + +"Adieu, my sweet one! If you go into the town, come to my house, over +against St Leu's Church. I am called Master Anseau, and am silversmith +to the King of France, at the sign of St. Eloi. Make me a promise to +be in this field the next Lord's-Day; fail not to come, even should it +rain halberds." + +"Yes, dear Sir. For this I would leap the walls, and, in gratitude, +would I be yours without mischief, and cause you no sorrow, at the +price of my everlasting future. Awaiting the happy moment, I will pray +God for you with all my heart." + +And then she remained standing like a stone saint, moving not, until +she could see the good citizen no longer, and he went away with +lagging steps, turning from time to time further to gaze upon her. And +when he was far off, and out of her sight, she stayed on, until +nightfall, lost in meditation, knowing not if she had dreamed that +which had happened to her. Then she went back to the house, where she +was beaten for staying out, but felt not the blows. The good +silversmith could neither eat nor drink, but closed his workshop, +possessed of this girl, thinking of nothing but this girl, seeing +everywhere the girl; everything to him being to possess this girl. Now +when the morrow was come, he went with great apprehension towards the +abbey to speak to the lord abbot. On the road, however, he suddenly +thought of putting himself under the protection of one of the king's +people, and with this idea returned to the court, which was then held +in the town. Being esteemed by all for his prudence, and loved for his +little works and kindnesses, the king's chamberlain--for whom he had +once made, for a present to a lady of the court, a golden casket set +with precious stones and unique of its kind--promised him assistance, +had a horse saddled for himself, and a hack for the silversmith, with +whom he set out for the abbey, and asked to see the abbot, who was +Monseigneur Hugon de Sennecterre, aged ninety-three. Being come into +the room with the silversmith, waiting nervously to receive his +sentence, the chamberlain begged the abbot to sell him in advance a +thing which was easy for him to sell, and which would be pleasant to +him. + +To which the abbot replied, looking at the chamberlain-- + +"That the canons inhibited and forbade him thus to engage his word." + +"Behold, my dear father," said the chamberlain, "the jeweller of the +Court who has conceived a great love for a bondswoman belonging to +your abbey, and I request you, in consideration of my obliging you in +any such desire as you may wish to see accomplished, to emancipate +this maid." + +"Which is she?" asked the abbot of the citizen. + +"Her name is Tiennette," answered the silversmith, timidly. + +"Ho! ho!" said the good old Hugon, smiling. "The angler has caught us +a good fish! This is a grave business, and I know not how to decide by +myself." + +"I know, my father, what those words mean," said that chamberlain, +knitting his brows. + +"Fine sir," said the abbot, "know you what this maid is worth?" + +The abbot ordered Tiennette to be fetched, telling his clerk to dress +her in her finest clothes, and to make her look as nice as possible. + +"Your love is in danger," said that chamberlain to the silversmith, +pulling him on one side. "Dismiss this fantasy. You can meet anywhere, +even at Court, with women of wealth, young and pretty, who would +willingly marry you. For this, if need be, the king would assist you +by giving you some title, which in course of time would enable you to +found a good family. Are you sufficiently well furnished with crowns +to become the founder of a noble line?" + +"I know not, monseigneur," replied Anseau. "I have put money by." + +"Then see if you cannot buy the manumission of this maid. I know the +monks. With them money does everything." + +"Monseigneur," said the silversmith to the abbot, coming towards him, +"you have the charge and office representing here below the goodness +of God, who is often clement towards us, and has infinite treasures of +mercy for our sorrows. Now, I will remember you each evening and each +morning in my prayers, and never forget that I received my happiness +at your hands, if you aid me to gain this maid in lawful wedlock, +without keeping in servitude the children born of this union. And for +this I will make you a receptacle for the Holy Eucharist, so +elaborate, so rich with gold, precious stones and winged angels, that +no other shall be like it in all Christendom. It shall remain unique, +it shall dazzle your eyesight, and shall be so far the glory of your +altar, that the people of the towns and foreign nobles shall rush to +it, so magnificent shall it be." + +"My son," replied the abbot "have you lost your senses? If you are so +resolved to have this wench for a legal wife, your goods and your +person belong to the Chapter of the abbey." + +"Yes, monseigneur, I am passionately in love with this girl, and more +touched with her misery and her Christian heart than even with her +perfections; but I am," said he, with tears in his eyes, "still more +astonished at your harshness, and I say it although I know that my +fate is in your hands. Yes, monseigneur, I know the law; and if my +goods fall to your domain, if I become a bondsman, if I lose my house +and my citizenship, I will still keep that engine, gained by my +labours and my studies, on which lies there," cried he, striking his +forehead "in a place of which no one, save God, can be lord but +myself. And your whole abbey could not pay for the special creations +which proceed therefrom. You may have my body, my wife, my children, +but nothing shall get you my engine; nay, not even torture, seeing +that I am stronger than iron is hard, and more patient than sorrow is +great." + +So saying, the silversmith, enraged by the calmness of the abbot, who +seemed resolved to acquire for the abbey the good man's doubloons, +brought down his fist upon an oaken chair and shivered it into +fragments, for it split as under the blow of a mace. + +"Behold, monseigneur, what kind of servant you will have, and of an +artificer of things divine you will make a mere cart-horse." + +"My son," replied the abbot, "you have wrongfully broken my chair, and +lightly judged my mind. This wench belongs to the abbey and not to me. +I am the faithful servant of the rights and customs of this glorious +monastery; although I might grant this woman license to bear free +children, I am responsible for this to God and to the abbey. Now, +since there was here an altar, bondsmen and monks, _id est_, from time +immemorial, there has never occurred the case of a citizen becoming +the property of the abbey by marriage with a bondswoman. Now, +therefore, is there need to exercise the right, and to make use of it +so that it would not be lost, weakened, worn out, or fallen into +disuse, which would occasion a thousand difficulties. And this is of +higher advantage to the State and to the abbey than your stones, +however beautiful they be, seeing that we have treasure wherewith to +buy rare jewels, and that no treasure can establish customs and laws. +I call upon the king's chamberlain to bear witness to the infinite +pains which his majesty takes every day to fight for the establishment +of his orders." + +"That is to close my mouth," said the chamberlain. + +The silversmith, who was not a great scholar, remained thoughtful. +Then came Tiennette, clean as a new pin, her hair raised up, dressed +in a robe of white wool with a blue sash, with tiny shoes and white +stockings; in fact, so royally beautiful, so noble in her bearing was +she, that the silversmith was petrified with ecstasy, and the +chamberlain confessed he had never seen so perfect a creature. +Thinking there was too much danger in this sight for the poor +jeweller, he led him into the town, and begged him to think no further +of the affair, since the abbey was not likely to liberate so good a +bait for the citizens and nobles of the Parisian stream. In fact, the +Chapter let the poor lover know that if he married this girl he must +resolve to yield up his goods and his house to the abbey, consider +himself a bondsman, both he and the children of the aforesaid +marriage; although, by a special grace, the abbey would let him his +house on the condition of his giving an inventory of his furniture and +paying a yearly rent, and coming during eight days to live in a shed +adjoining the domain, thus performing an act of service. The +silversmith, to whom everyone spoke of the cupidity of the monks, saw +clearly that the abbot would incommutably maintain this order, and his +soul was filled with despair. At one time he determined to burn down +the monastery; at another, he proposed to lure the abbot into a place +where he could torment him until he had signed a charter for +Tiennette's liberation; in fact a thousand ideas possessed his brain, +and as quickly evaporated. But after much lamentation he determined to +carry off the girl, and fly with her into her a sure place from which +nothing could draw him, and made his preparations accordingly; for +once out of the kingdom, his friends or the king could better tackle +the monks and bring them to reason. The good man counted, however, +without his abbot, for going to the meadows, he found Tiennette no +more there, and learned that she was confined in the abbey, and with +much rigour, that to get at her it would be necessary to lay siege to +the monastery. Then Master Anseau passed his time in tears, +complaints, and lamentations; and all the city, the townspeople, and +housewives, talked of his adventure, the noise of which was so great, +that the king sent for the old abbot to court, and demanded of him why +he did not yield under the circumstances to the great love of the +silversmith, and why he did not put into practice Christian charity. + +"Because, monseigneur," replied the priest, "all rights are knit +together like the pieces of a coat of mail, and if one makes default, +all fail. If this girl was taken from us against our wish, and if the +custom were not observed, your subjects would soon take off your +crown, and raise up in various places violence and sedition, in order +to abolish the taxes and imposts that weigh upon the populace." + +The king's mouth was closed. Everyone was eager to know the end of +this adventure. So great was the curiosity that certain lords wagered +that the Touranian would desist from his love, and the ladies wagered +to the contrary. The silversmith having complained to the queen that +the monks had hidden his well-beloved from his sight, she found the +deed detestable and horrible; and in consequence of her commands to +the lord abbot it was permitted to the Touranian to go every day into +the parlour of the abbey, where came Tiennette, but under the control +of an old monk, and she always came attired in great splendour like a +lady. The two lovers had no other license than to see each other, and +to speak to each other, without being able to snatch the smallest atom +of pleasure, and always grew their love more powerful. + +One day Tiennette discoursed thus with her lover--"My dear lord, I +have determined to make you a gift of my life, in order to relieve +your suffering, and in this wise; in informing myself concerning +everything I have found a means to set aside the rights of the abbey, +and to give you all the joy you hope for from my fruition." + +"The ecclesiastical judge has ruled that as you become a bondsman only +by accession, and because you were not born a bondsman, your servitude +will cease with the cause that makes you a serf. Now, if you love me +more than all else, lose your goods to purchase our happiness, and +espouse me. Then when you have had your will of me, when you have +hugged me and embraced me to your heart's content, before I have +offspring will I voluntarily kill myself, and thus you become free +again; at least you will have the king on your side, who, it is said, +wishes you well. And without doubt, God will pardon me that I cause my +own death, in order to deliver my lord spouse." + +"My dear Tiennette," cried the jeweller, "it is finished--I will be a +bondsman, and thou wilt live to make my happiness as long as my days. +In thy company, the hardest chains will weigh but lightly, and little +shall I reck the want of gold, when all my riches are in thy heart, +and my only pleasure in thy sweet body. I place myself in the hands of +St. Eloi, will deign in this misery to look upon us with pitying eyes, +and guard us from all evils. Now I shall go hence to a scrivener to +have the deeds and contracts drawn up. At least, dear flower of my +days, thou shalt be gorgeously attired, well housed, and served like a +queen during thy lifetime, since the lord abbot leaves me the earnings +of my profession." + +Tiennette, crying and laughing, tried to put off her good fortune and +wished to die, rather than reduce to slavery a free man; but the good +Anseau whispered such soft words to her, and threatened so firmly to +follow her to the tomb, that she agreed to the said marriage, thinking +that she could always free herself after having tasted the pleasures +of love. + +When the submission of the Touranian became known in the town, and +that for his sweetheart he yielded up his wealth and his liberty, +everyone wished to see him. The ladies of the court encumbered +themselves with jewels, in order to speak with him, and there fell +upon him as from the clouds women enough to make up for the time he +had been without them; but if any of them approached Tiennette in +beauty, none had her heart. To be brief, when the hour of slavery and +love was at hand, Anseau remolded all of his gold into a royal crown, +in which he fixed all his pearls and diamonds, and went secretly to +the queen, and gave it to her, saying, "Madame, I know not how to +dispose of my fortune, which you here behold. Tomorrow everything that +is found in my house will be the property of the cursed monks, who +have had no pity on me. Then deign, madame, to accept this. It is a +slight return for the joy which, through you, I have experienced in +seeing her I love; for no sum of money is worth one of her glances. I +do not know what will become of me, but if one day my children are +delivered, I rely upon your queenly generosity." + +"Well said, good man," cried the king. "The abbey will one day need my +aid and I will not lose the remembrance of this." + +There was a vast crowd at the abbey for the nuptials of Tiennette, to +whom the queen presented the bridal dress, and to whom the king +granted a licence to wear every day golden rings in her ears. When the +charming pair came from the abbey to the house of Anseau (now serf) +over against St. Leu, there were torches at the windows to see them +pass, and a double line in the streets, as though it were a royal +entry. The poor husband had made himself a collar of gold, which he +wore on his left arm in token of his belonging to the abbey of St. +Germain. But in spite of his servitude the people cried out, "Noel! +Noel!" as to a new crowned king. And the good man bowed to them +gracefully, happy as a lover, and joyful at the homage which every one +rendered to the grace and modesty of Tiennette. Then the good +Touranian found green boughs and violets in crowns in his honour; and +the principal inhabitants of the quarter were all there, who as a +great honour, played music to him, and cried to him, "You will always +be a noble man in spite of the abbey." You may be sure that the happy +pair indulged an amorous conflict to their hearts' content; that the +good man's blows were vigorous; and that his sweetheart, like a good +country maiden, was of a nature to return them. Thus they lived +together a whole month, happy as the doves, who in springtime build +their nest twig by twig. Tiennette was delighted with the beautiful +house and the customers, who came and went away astonished at her. +This month of flowers past, there came one day, with great pomp, the +good old Abbot Hugon, their lord and master, who entered the house, +which then belonged not the jeweller but to the Chapter, and said to +the two spouses:-- + +"My children, you are released, free and quit of everything; and I +should tell you that from the first I was much struck with the love +which united you one to the other. The rights of the abbey once +recognised, I was, so far as I was concerned, determined to restore +you to perfect enjoyment, after having proved your loyalty by the test +of God. And this manumission will cost you nothing." Having thus said, +he gave them each a little tap with his hand on the cheek. And they +fell about his knees weeping tears of joy for such good reasons. The +Touranian informed the people of the neighbourhood, who picked up in +the street the largesse, and received the predictions of the good +Abbott Hugon. + +Then it was with great honour, Master Anseau held the reins of his +mule, so far as the gate of Bussy. During the journey the jeweller, +who had taken a bag of silver, threw the pieces to the poor and +suffering, crying, "Largesse, largesse to God! God save and guard the +abbot! Long live the good Lord Hugon!" And returning to his house he +regaled his friends, and had fresh wedding festivities, which lasted a +fortnight. You can imagine that the abbot was reproached by the +Chapter, for his clemency in opening the door for such good prey to +escape, so that when a year after the good man Hugon fell ill, his +prior told him that it was a punishment from Heaven because he had +neglected the sacred interests of the Chapter and of God. + +"If I have judged that man aright," said the abbot, "he will not +forget what he owes us." + +In fact, this day happening by chance to be the anniversary of the +marriage, a monk came to announce that the silversmith supplicated his +benefactor to receive him. Soon he entered the room where the abbot +was, and spread out before him two marvellous shrines, which since +that time no workman has surpassed, in any portion of the Christian +world, and which were named "Vow of a Steadfast Love." These two +treasures are, as everyone knows, placed on the principal altar of the +church, and are esteemed as an inestimable work, for the silversmith +had spent therein all his wealth. Nevertheless, this wealth, far from +emptying his purse, filled it full to overflowing, because so rapidly +increased his fame and his fortune that he was able to buy a patent of +nobility and lands, and he founded the house of Anseau, which has +since been held in great honour in fair Touraine. + +This teaches us to have always recourse to God and the saints in all +the undertakings of life, to be steadfast in all things, and, above +all, that a great love triumphs over everything, which is an old +sentence; but the author has rewritten it because it is a most +pleasant one. + + + + CONCERNING A PROVOST WHO DID NOT RECOGNISE THINGS + +In the good town of Bourges, at the time when that lord the king +disported himself there, who afterwards abandoned his search after +pleasure to conquer the kingdom, and did indeed conquer it, lived +there a provost, entrusted by him with the maintenance of order, and +called the provost-royal. From which came, under the glorious son of +the said king, the office of provost of the hotel, in which behaved +rather harshly my lord Tristan of Mere, of whom these tales oft make +mention, although he was by no means a merry fellow. I give this +information to the friends who pilfer from old manuscripts to +manufacture new ones, and I show thereby how learned these Tales +really are, without appearing to be so. Very well, then, this provost +was named Picot or Picault, of which some made picotin, picoter, and +picoree; by some Pitot or Pitaut, from which comes _pitance_; by +others in Languedoc, Pichot from which comes nothing comes worth +knowing; by these Petiot or Petiet; by those Petitot and Petinault, or +Petiniaud, which was the masonic appellation; but at Bourges he was +called Petit, a name which was eventually adopted by the family, which +has multiplied exceedingly, for everywhere you find "_des Petits_," +and so he will be called Petit in this narrative. I have given this +etymology in order to throw a light on our language, and show how our +citizens have finished by acquiring names. But enough of science. + +This said provost, who had as many names as there were provinces into +which the court went, was in reality a little bit of a man, whose +mother had given him so strange a hide, that when he wanted to laugh +he used to stretch his cheeks like a cow making water, and this smile +at court was called the provost's smile. One day the king, hearing +this proverbial expression used by certain lords, said jokingly-- + +"You are in error, gentlemen, Petit does not laugh, he's short of skin +below the mouth." + +But with his forced laugh Petit was all the more suited to his +occupation of watching and catching evil-doers. In fact, he was worth +what he cost. For all malice, he was a bit of a cuckold, for all vice, +he went to vespers, for all wisdom he obeyed God, when it was +convenient; for all joy he had a wife in his house; and for all change +in his joy he looked for a man to hang, and when he was asked to find +one he never failed to meet him; but when he was between the sheets he +never troubled himself about thieves. Can you find in all Christendom +a more virtuous provost? No! All provosts hang too little, or too +much, while this one just hanged as much as was necessary to be a +provost. + +This good fellow had for his wife in legitimate marriage, and much to +the astonishment of everyone, the prettiest little woman in Bourges. +So it was that often, while on his road to the execution, he would ask +God the same question as several others in the town did--namely, why +he, Petit, he the sheriff, he the provost royal, had to himself, +Petit, provost royal and sheriff, a wife so exquisitely shapely, said +dowered with charms, that a donkey seeing her pass by would bray with +delight. To this God vouchsafed no reply, and doubtless had his +reasons. But the slanderous tongues of the town replied for him, that +the young lady was by no means a maiden when she became the wife of +Petit. Others said she did not keep her affections solely for him. The +wags answered, that donkeys often get into fine stables. Everyone had +taunts ready which would have made a nice little collection had anyone +gathered them together. From them, however, it is necessary to take +nearly four-fourths, seeing that Petit's wife was a virtuous woman, +who had a lover for pleasure and a husband for duty. How many were +there in the town as careful of their hearts and mouths? If you can +point out one to me, I'll give you a kick or a half-penny, whichever +you like. You will find some who have neither husband nor lover. +Certain females have a lover and no husband. Ugly women have a husband +and no lover. But to meet with a woman who, having one husband and one +lover, keeps to the deuce without trying for the trey, there is the +miracle, you see, you greenhorns, blockheads, and dolts! Now then, put +the true character of this virtuous woman on the tablets of your +memory, go your ways, and let me go mine. + +The good Madame Petit was not one of those ladies who are always on +the move, running hither and thither, can't keep still a moment, but +trot about, worrying, hurrying, chattering, and clattering, and had +nothing in them to keep them steady, but are so light that they run +after a gastric zephyr as after their quintessence. No; on the +contrary, she was a good housewife, always sitting in her chair or +sleeping in her bed, ready as a candlestick, waiting for her lover +when her husband went out, receiving the husband when the lover had +gone. This dear woman never thought of dressing herself only to annoy +and make other wives jealous. Pish! She had found a better use for the +merry time of youth, and put life into her joints in order to make the +best use of it. Now you know the provost and his good wife. + +The provost's lieutenant in duties matrimonial, duties which are so +heavy that it takes two men to execute them, was a noble lord, a +landowner, who disliked the king exceedingly. You must bear this in +mind, because it is one of the principal points of the story. The +Constable, who was a thorough Scotch gentleman, had seen by chance +Petit's wife, and wished to have a little conversation with her +comfortably, towards the morning, just the time to tell his beads, +which was Christianly honest, or honestly Christian, in order to argue +with her concerning the things of science or the science of things. +Thinking herself quite learned enough, Madame Petit, who was, as has +been stated, a virtuous, wise, and honest wife, refused to listen to +the said constable. After certain arguments, reasonings, tricks and +messages, which were of no avail, he swore by his great black +_coquedouille_ that he would rip up the gallant although he was a man +of mark. But he swore nothing about the lady. This denotes a good +Frenchman, for in such a dilemma there are certain offended persons +who would upset the whole business of three persons by killing four. +The constable wagered his big black _coquedouille_ before the king and +the lady of Sorel, who were playing cards before supper; and his +majesty was well pleased, because he would be relieved of this noble, +that displeased him, and that without costing him a Thank You. + +"And how will you manage the affair?" said Madame de Sorel to him, +with a smile. + +"Oh, oh!" replied the constable. "You may be sure, madame, I do not +wish to lose my big black coquedouille." + +"What was, then, this great coquedouille?" + +"Ha, ha! This point is shrouded in darkness to a degree that would +make you ruin your eyes in ancient books; but it was certainly +something of great importance. Nevertheless, let us put on our +spectacles, and search it out. _Douille_ signifies in Brittany, a +girl, and _coque_ means a cook's frying pan. From this word has come +into France that of _coquin_--a knave who eats, licks, laps, sucks, +and fritters his money away, and gets into stews; is always in hot +water, and eats up everything, leads an idle life, and doing this, +becomes wicked, becomes poor, and that incites him to steal or beg. +From this it may be concluded by the learned that the great +coquedouille was a household utensil in the shape of a kettle used for +cooking things." + +"Well," continued the constable, who was the Sieur of Richmond, "I +will have the husband ordered to go into the country for a day and a +night, to arrest certain peasants suspected of plotting treacherously +with the English. Thereupon my two pigeons, believing their man +absent, will be as merry as soldiers off duty; and, if a certain thing +takes place, I will let loose the provost, sending him, in the king's +name, to search the house where the couple will be, in order that he +may slay our friend, who pretends to have this good cordelier all to +himself." + +"What does this mean?" said the Lady of Beaute. + +"Friar . . . fryer . . . an _equivoque_," answered the king, smiling. + +"Come to supper," said Madame Agnes. "You are bad men, who with one +word insult both the citizens' wives and a holy order." + +Now, for a long time, Madame Petit had longed to have a night of +liberty, during which she might visit the house of the said noble, +where she could make as much noise as she liked, without waking the +neighbours, because at the provost's house she was afraid of being +overheard, and had to content herself well with the pilferings of +love, little tastes, and nibbles, daring at the most only to trot, +while what she desired was a smart gallop. On the morrow, therefore, +the lady's-maid went off about midday to the young lord's house, and +told the lover--from whom she received many presents, and therefore in +no way disliked him--that he might make his preparations for pleasure, +and for supper, for that he might rely upon the provost's better half +being with him in the evening both hungry and thirsty. + +"Good!" said he. "Tell your mistress I will not stint her in anything +she desires." + +The pages of the cunning constable, who were watching the house, +seeing the gallant prepare for his gallantries, and set out the +flagons and the meats, went and informed their master that everything +had happened as he wished. Hearing this, the good constable rubbed his +hands thinking how nicely the provost would catch the pair. He +instantly sent word to him, that by the king's express commands he was +to return to town, in order that he might seize at the said lord's +house an English nobleman, with whom he was vehemently suspected to be +arranging a plot of diabolical darkness. But before he put this order +into execution, he was to come to the king's hotel, in order that he +might understand the courtesy to be exercised in this case. The +provost, joyous at the chance of speaking to the king, used such +diligence that he was in town just at that time when the two lovers +were singing the first note of their evening hymn. The lord of +cuckoldom and its surrounding lands, who is a strange lord, managed +things so well, that madame was only conversing with her lord lover at +the time that her lord spouse was talking to the constable and the +king; at which he was pleased, and so was his wife--a case of concord +rare in matrimony. + +"I was saying to monseigneur," said the constable to the provost, as +he entered the king's apartment, "that every man in the kingdom has a +right to kill his wife and her lover if he finds them in an act of +infidelity. But his majesty, who is clement, argues that he has only a +right to kill the man, and not the woman. Now what would you do, Mr. +Provost, if by chance you found a gentleman taking a stroll in that +fair meadow of which laws, human and divine, enjoin you alone to +cultivate the verdure?" + +"I would kill everything," said the provost; "I would scrunch the five +hundred thousand devils of nature, flower and seed, and send them +flying, the pips and apples, the grass and the meadow, the woman and +the man." + +"You would be in the wrong," said the king. "That is contrary to the +laws of the Church and of the State; of the State, because you might +deprive me of a subject; of the Church, because you would be sending +an innocent to limbo unshriven." + +"Sire, I admire your profound wisdom, and I clearly perceive you to be +the centre of all justice." + +"We can then only kill the knight--Amen," said constable, "Kill the +horseman. Now go quickly to the house of the suspected lord, but +without letting yourself be bamboozled, do not forget what is due to +his position." + +The provost, believing he would certainly be Chancellor of France if +he properly acquitted himself of the task, went from the castle into +the town, took his men, arrived at the nobleman's residence, arranged +his people outside, placed guards at all the doors, opened noiselessly +by order of the king, climbs the stairs, asks the servants in which +room their master is, puts them under arrest, goes up alone, and +knocks at the door of the room where the two lovers are tilting in +love's tournament, and says to them-- + +"Open, in the name of our lord the king!" + +The lady recognised her husband's voice, and could not repress a +smile, thinking that she had not waited for the king's orders to do +what she had done. But after laughter came terror. Her lover took his +cloak, threw it over him, and came to the door. There, not knowing +that his life was in peril, he declared that he belonged to the court +and to the king's household. + +"Bah!" said the provost. "I have a strict order from the king; and +under pain of being treated as a rebel, you are bound instantly to +receive me." + +Then the lord went out to him, still holding the door. + +"What do you want here?" + +"An enemy of our lord the king, whom we command you to deliver into +our hands, otherwise you must follow me with him to the castle." + +This, thought the lover, is a piece of treachery on the part of the +constable, whose proposition my dear mistress treated with scorn. We +must get out of this scrape in some way. Then turning towards the +provost, he went double or quits on the risk, reasoning thus with the +cuckold:-- + +"My friend, you know that I consider you but as gallant a man as it is +possible for a provost to be in the discharge of his duty. Now, can I +have confidence in you? I have here with me the fairest lady of the +court. As for Englishmen, I have not sufficient of one to make the +breakfast of the constable, M. de Richmond, who sends you here. This +is (to be candid with you) the result of a bet made between myself and +the constable, who shares it with the King. Both have wagered that +they know who is the lady of my heart; and I have wagered to the +contrary. No one more than myself hates the English, who took my +estates in Piccadilly. Is it not a knavish trick to put justice in +motion against me? Ho! Ho! my lord constable, a chamberlain is worth +two of you, and I will beat you yet. My dear Petit, I give you +permission to search by night and by day, every nook and cranny of my +house. But come in here alone, search my room, turn the bed over, do +what you like. Only allow me to cover with a cloth or a handkerchief +this fair lady, who is at present in the costume of an archangel, in +order that you may not know to what husband she belongs." + +"Willingly," said the provost. "But I am an old bird, not easily +caught with chaff, and would like to be sure that it is really a lady +of the court, and not an Englishman, for these English have flesh as +white and soft as women, and I know it well, because I've hanged so +many of them." + +"Well then," said the lord, "seeing of what crime I am suspected, from +which I am bound to free myself, I will go and ask my lady-love to +consent for a moment to abandon her modesty. She is too fond of me to +refuse to save me from reproach. I will beg her to turn herself over +and show you a physiognomy, which will in no way compromise her, and +will be sufficient to enable you to recognise a noble woman, although +she will be in a sense upside down." + +"All right," said the provost. + +The lady having heard every word, had folded up all her clothes, and +put them under the bolster, had taken off her chemise, that her +husband should not recognise it, had twisted her head up in a sheet, +and had brought to light the carnal convexities which commenced where +her spine finished. + +"Come in, my friend," said the lord. + +The provost looked up the chimney, opened the cupboard, the clothes' +chest, felt under the bed, in the sheets, and everywhere. Then he +began to study what was on the bed. + +"My lord," said he, regarding his legitimate appurtenances, "I have +seen young English lads with backs like that. You must forgive me +doing my duty, but I must see otherwise." + +"What do you call otherwise?" said the lord. + +"Well, the other physiognomy, or, if you prefer it, the physiognomy of +the other." + +"Then you will allow madame to cover herself and arrange only to show +you sufficient to convince you," said the lover, knowing that the lady +had a mark or two easy to recognise. "Turn your back a moment, so that +my dear lady may satisfy propriety." + +The wife smiled at her lover, kissed him for his dexterity, arranging +herself cunningly; and the husband seeing in full that which the jade +had never let him see before, was quite convinced that no English +person could be thus fashioned without being a charming Englishwoman. + +"Yes, my lord," he whispered in the ear of his lieutenant, "this is +certainly a lady of the court, because the towns-women are neither so +well formed nor so charming." + +Then the house being thoroughly searched, and no Englishman found, the +provost returned, as the constable had told him, to the king's +residence. + +"Is he slain?" said the constable. + +"Who?" + +"He who grafted horns upon your forehead." + +"I only saw a lady in his couch, who seemed to be greatly enjoying +herself with him." + +"You, with your own eyes, saw this woman, cursed cuckold, and you did +not kill your rival?" + +"It was not a common woman, but a lady of the court." + +"You saw her?" + +"And verified her in both cases." + +"What do you mean by those words?" cried the king, who was bursting +with laughter. + +"I say, with all the respect due to your Majesty, that I have verified +the over and the under." + +"You do not, then, know the physiognomies of your own wife, you old +fool without memory! You deserve to be hanged." + +"I hold those features of my wife in too great respect to gaze upon +them. Besides she is so modest that she would die rather than expose +an atom of her body." + +"True," said the king; "it was not made to be shown." + +"Old coquedouille! that was your wife," said the constable. + +"My lord constable, she is asleep, poor girl!" + +"Quick, quick, then! To horse! Let us be off, and if she be in your +house I'll forgive you." + +Then the constable, followed by the provost, went to the latter's +house in less time than it would have taken a beggar to empty the +poor-box. + +"Hullo! there, hi!" + +Hearing the noise made by the men, which threatened to bring the walls +about their ears, the maid-servant opened the door, yawning and +stretching her arms. The constable and the provost rushed into the +room, where, with great difficulty, they succeeded in waking the lady, +who pretended to be terrified, and was so soundly asleep that her eyes +were full of gum. At this the provost was in great glee, saying to the +constable that someone had certainly deceived him, that his wife was a +virtuous woman, and was more astonished than any of them at these +proceedings. The constable turned on his heel and departed. The good +provost began directly to undress to get to bed early, since this +adventure had brought his good wife to his memory. When he was +harnessing himself, and was knocking off his nether garments, madame, +still astonished, said to him-- + +"Oh, my dear husband, what is the meaning of all this uproar--this +constable and his pages, and why did he come to see if I was asleep? +Is it to be henceforward part of a constable's duty to look after +our . . ." + +"I do not know," said the provost, interrupting her, to tell her what +had happened to him. + +"And you saw without my permission a lady of the court! Ha! ha! heu! +heu! hein!" + +Then she began to moan, to weep, and to cry in such a deplorable +manner and so loudly, that her lord was quite aghast. + +"What's the matter, my darling? What is it? What do you want?" + +"Ah! You won't love me any more are after seeing how beautiful court +ladies are!" + +"Nonsense, my child! They are great ladies. I don't mind telling you +in confidence; they are great ladies in every respect." + +"Well," said she, "am I nicer?" + +"Ah," said he, "in a great measure. Yes!" + +"They have, then, great happiness," said she, sighing, "when I have so +much with so little beauty." + +Thereupon the provost tried a better argument to argue with his good +wife, and argued so well that she finished by allowing herself to be +convinced that Heaven has ordained that much pleasure may be obtained +from small things. + +This shows us that nothing here below can prevail against the Church +of Cuckolds. + + + + ABOUT THE MONK AMADOR, WHO WAS A GLORIOUS ABBOT OF TURPENAY + +One day that it was drizzling with rain--a time when the ladies remain +gleefully at home, because they love the damp, and can have at their +apron strings the men who are not disagreeable to them--the queen was +in her chamber, at the castle of Amboise, against the window curtains. +There, seated in her chair, she was working at a piece of tapestry to +amuse herself, but was using her needle heedlessly, watching the rain +fall into the Loire, and was lost in thought, where her ladies were +following her example. The king was arguing with those of his court +who had accompanied him from the chapel--for it was a question of +returning to dominical vespers. His arguments, statements, and +reasonings finished, he looked at the queen, saw that she was +melancholy, saw that the ladies were melancholy also, and noted the +fact that they were all acquainted with the mysteries of matrimony. + +"Did I not see the Abbot of Turpenay here just now?" said he. + +Hearing these words, there advanced towards the king the monk, who, by +his constant petitions, rendered himself so obnoxious to Louis the +Eleventh, that that monarch seriously commanded his provost-royal to +remove him from his sight; and it has been related in the first volume +of these Tales, how the monk was saved through the mistake of Sieur +Tristan. The monk was at this time a man whose qualities had grown +rapidly, so much so that his wit had communicated a jovial hue to his +face. He was a great favourite with the ladies, who crammed him with +wine, confectioneries, and dainty dishes at the dinners, suppers, and +merry-makings, to which they invited him, because every host likes +those cheerful guests of God with nimble jaws, who say as many words +as they put away tit-bits. This abbot was a pernicious fellow, who +would relate to the ladies many a merry tale, at which they were only +offended when they had heard them; since, to judge them, things must +be heard. + +"My reverend father," said the king, "behold the twilight hour, in +which ears feminine may be regaled with certain pleasant stories, for +the ladies can laugh without blushing, or blush without laughing, as +it suits them best. Give us a good story--a regular monk's story. I +shall listen to it, i'faith, with pleasure, because I want to be +amused, and so do the ladies." + +"We only submit to this, in order to please your lordship," said the +queen; "because our good friend the abbot goes a little too far." + +"Then," replied the king, turning towards the monk, "read us some +Christian admonition, holy father, to amuse madame." + +"Sire, my sight is weak, and the day is closing." + +"Give us a story, then, that stops at the girdle." + +"Ah, sire!" said the monk, smiling, "the one I am thinking of stops +there; but it commences at the feet." + +The lords present made such gallant remonstrances and supplications to +the queen and her ladies, that, like the good Bretonne that she was, +she gave the monk a gentle smile, and said-- + +"As you will, my father; but you must answer to God for our sins." + +"Willingly, madame; if it be your pleasure to take mine, you will be a +gainer." + +Everyone laughed, and so did queen. The king went and sat by his dear +wife, well beloved by him, as everyone knows. The courtiers received +permission to be seated--the old courtiers, of course, understood; for +the young ones stood, by the ladies' permission, beside their chairs, +to laugh at the same time as they did. Then the Abbot of Turpenay +gracefully delivered himself of the following tale, the risky passages +of which he gave in a low, soft, flute-like voice:-- + +About a hundred years ago at the least, there occurred great quarrels +in Christendom because there were two popes at Rome, each one +pretending to be legitimately elected, which caused great annoyance to +the monasteries, abbeys, and bishoprics, since, in order to be +recognised by as many as possible, each of the two popes granted +titles and rights to each adherent, the which made double owners +everywhere. Under these circumstances, the monasteries and abbeys that +were at war with their neighbours would not recognise both the popes, +and found themselves much embarrassed by the other, who always gave +the verdict to the enemies of the Chapter. This wicked schism brought +about considerable mischief, and proved abundantly that error is worse +in Christianity than the adultery of the Church. + +Now at this time, when the devil was making havoc among our +possessions, the most illustrious abbey of Turpenay, of which I am at +present the unworthy ruler, had a heavy trial on concerning the +settlements of certain rights with the redoubtable Sire de Cande, an +idolatrous infidel, a relapsed heretic, and most wicked lord. This +devil, sent upon earth in the shape of a nobleman, was, to tell the +truth, a good soldier, well received at court, and a friend of the +Sieur Bureau de la Riviere; who was a person to whom the king was +exceedingly partial--King Charles the Fifth, of glorious memory. +Beneath the shelter of the favour of this Sieur de la Riviere, Lord of +Cande did exactly as he pleased in the valley of the Indre, where he +used to be master of everything, from Montbazon to Usse. You may be +sure that his neighbours were terribly afraid of him, and to save +their skulls let him have his way. They would, however, have preferred +him under the ground to above it, and heartily wished him bad luck; +but he troubled himself little about that. In the whole valley the +noble abbey alone showed fight to this demon, for it has always been a +doctrine of the Church to take into her lap the weak and suffering, +and use every effort to protect the oppressed, especially those whose +rights and privileges are menaced. + +For this reason this rough warrior hated monks exceedingly, especially +those of Turpenay, who would not allow themselves to be robbed of +their rights either by force or stratagem. He was well pleased at the +ecclesiastical schism, and waited the decision of our abbey, +concerning which pope they should choose, to pillage them, being quite +ready to recognise the one to whom the abbot of Turpenay should refuse +his obedience. Since his return to his castle, it was his custom to +torment and annoy the priests whom he encountered upon his domains in +such a manner, that a poor monk, surprised by him on his private road, +which was by the water-side, perceived no other method of safety than +to throw himself into the river, where, by a special miracle of the +Almighty, whom the good man fervently invoked, his gown floated him on +the Indre, and he made his way comfortably to the other side, which he +attained in full view of the lord of Cande, who was not ashamed to +enjoy the terrors of a servant of God. Now you see of what stuff this +horrid man was made. The abbot, to whom at that time, the care of our +glorious abbey was committed, led a most holy life, and prayed to God +with devotion; but he would have saved his own soul ten times, of such +good quality was his religion, before finding a chance to save the +abbey itself from the clutches of this wretch. Although he was very +perplexed, and saw the evil hour at hand, he relied upon God for +succour, saying that he would never allow the property of the Church +to be touched, and that He who had raised up the Princess Judith for +the Hebrews, and Queen Lucretia for the Romans, would keep his most +illustrious abbey of Turpenay, and indulged in other equally sapient +remarks. But his monks, who--to our shame I confess it--were +unbelievers, reproached him with his happy-go-lucky way of looking at +things, and declared that, to bring the chariot of Providence to the +rescue in time, all the oxen in the province would have to be yoked +it; that the trumpets of Jericho were no longer made in any portion of +the world; that God was disgusted with His creation, and would have +nothing more to do with it: in short, a thousand and one things that +were doubts and contumelies against God. + +At this desperate juncture there rose up a monk named Amador. This +name had been given him by way of a joke, since his person offered a +perfect portrait of the false god Aegipan. He was like him, strong in +the stomach; like him, had crooked legs; arms hairy as those of a +saddler, a back made to carry a wallet, a face as red as the phiz of a +drunkard, glistening eyes, a tangled beard, was hairy faced, and so +puffed out with fat and meat that you would have fancied him in an +interesting condition. You may be sure that he sung his matins on the +steps of the wine-cellar, and said his vespers in the vineyards of +Lord. He was as fond of his bed as a beggar with sores, and would go +about the valley fuddling, faddling, blessing the bridals, plucking +the grapes, and giving them to the girls to taste, in spite of the +prohibition of the abbot. In fact, he was a pilferer, a loiterer, and +a bad soldier of the ecclesiastical militia, of whom nobody in the +abbey took any notice, but let him do as he liked from motives of +Christian charity, thinking him mad. + +Amador, knowing that it was a question of the ruin of the Abbey, in +which he was as snug as a bug in a rug, put up his bristles, took +notice of this and of that, went into each of the cells, listened in +the refectory, shivered in his shoes, and declared that he would +attempt to save the abbey. He took cognisance of the contested points, +received from the abbot permission to postpone the case, and was +promised by the whole Chapter the Office of sub-prior if he succeeded +in putting an end to the litigation. Then he set off across the +country, heedless of the cruelty and ill-treatment of the Sieur de +Cande, saying that he had that within his gown which would subdue him. +He went his way with nothing but the said gown for his viaticum: but +then in it was enough fat to feed a dwarf. He selected to go to the +chateau, a day when it rained hard enough to fill the tubs of all the +housewives, and arrived without meeting a soul, in sight of Cande, and +looking like a drowned dog, stepped bravely into the courtyard, and +took shelter under a sty-roof to wait until the fury of the elements +had calmed down, and placed himself boldly in front of the room where +the owner of the chateau should be. A servant perceiving him while +laying the supper, took pity on him, and told him to make himself +scarce, otherwise his master would give him a horsewhipping, just to +open the conversation, and asked him what made him so bold as to enter +a house where monks were hated more than a red leper. + +"Ah!" said Amador, "I am on my way to Tours, sent thither by my lord +abbot. If the lord of Cande were not so bitter against the poor +servant of God, I should not be kept during such a deluge in the +courtyard, but in the house. I hope that he will find mercy in his +hour of need." + +The servant reported these words to his master, who at first wished to +have the monk thrown into the big trough of the castle among the other +filth. But the lady of Cande, who had great authority over her spouse, +and was respected by him, because through her he expected a large +inheritance, and because she was a little tyrannical, reprimanded him, +saying, that it was possible this monk was a Christian; that in such +weather thieves would succour an officer of justice; that, besides, it +was necessary to treat him well to find out to what decision the +brethren of Turpenay had come with regard to the schism business, and +that her advice was put an end by kindness and not by force to the +difficulties arisen between the abbey and the domain of Cande, because +no lord since the coming of Christ had ever been stronger than the +Church, and that sooner or later the abbey would ruin the castle; +finally, she gave utterance to a thousand wise arguments, such as +ladies use in the height of the storms of life, when they have had +about enough of them. Amador's face was so piteous, his appearance so +wretched, and so open to banter, that the lord, saddened by the +weather, conceived the idea of enjoying a joke at his expense, +tormenting him, playing tricks on him, and of giving him a lively +recollection of his reception at the chateau. Then this gentleman, who +had secret relations with his wife's maid, sent this girl, who was +called Perrotte, to put an end to his ill-will towards the luckless +Amador. As soon as the plot had been arranged between them, the wench, +who hated monks, in order to please her master, went to the monk, who +was standing under the pigsty, assuming a courteous demeanour in order +the better to please him, said-- + +"Holy father, the master of the house is ashamed to see a servant of +God out in the rain when there is room for him indoors, a good fire in +the chimney, and a table spread. I invite you in his name and that of +the lady of the house to step in." + +"I thank the lady and lord, not for their hospitality which is a +Christian thing, but for having sent as an ambassador to me, a poor +sinner, an angel of such delicate beauty that I fancy I see the Virgin +over our altar." + +Saying which, Amador raised his nose in the air, and saluted with the +two flakes of fire that sparkled in his bright eyes the pretty +maidservant, who thought him neither so ugly nor so foul, nor so +bestial; when, following Perrotte up the steps, Amador received on the +nose, cheeks, and other portions of his face a slash of the whip, +which made him see all the lights of the Magnificat, so well was the +dose administered by the Sieur de Cande, who, busy chastening his +greyhounds pretended not see the monk. He requested Amador to pardon +him this accident, and ran after the dogs who had caused the mischief +to his guest. The laughing servant, who knew what was coming, had +dexterously kept out of the way. Noticing this business, Amador +suspected the relations of Perrotte and the chevalier, concerning whom +it is possible that the lasses of the valley had already whispered +something into his ear. Of the people who were then in the room not +one made room for the man of God, who remained right in the draught +between the door and the window, where he stood freezing until the +moment when the Sieur de Cande, his wife, and his aged sister, +Mademoiselle de Cande, who had the charge of the young heiress of the +house, aged about sixteen years, came and sat in their chairs at the +head of the table, far from the common people, according to the old +custom usual among the lords of the period, much to their discredit. + +The Sieur de Cande, paying no attention to the monk, let him sit at +the extreme end of the table, in a corner, where two mischievous lads +had orders to squeeze and elbow him. Indeed these fellows worried his +feet, his body, and his arms like real torturers, poured white wine +into his goblet for water, in order to fuddle him, and the better to +amuse themselves with him; but they made him drink seven large jugfuls +without making belch, break wind, sweat or snort, which horrified them +exceedingly, especially as his eye remained as clear as crystal. +Encouraged, however, by a glance from their lord, they still kept +throwing, while bowing to him, gravy into his beard, and wiping it dry +in a manner to tear every hair of it out. The varlet who served a +caudle baptised his head with it, and took care to let the burning +liquor trickle down poor Amador's backbone. All this agony he endured +with meekness, because the spirit of God was in him, and also the hope +of finishing the litigation by holding out in the castle. +Nevertheless, the mischievous lot burst out into such roars of +laughter at the warm baptism given by the cook's lad to the soaked +monk, even the butler making jokes at his expense, that the lady of +Cande was compelled to notice what was going on at the end of the +table. Then she perceived Amador, who had a look of sublime +resignation upon his face, and was endeavouring to get something out +of the big beef bones that had been put upon his pewter platter. At +this moment the poor monk, who had administered a dexterous blow of +the knife to a big ugly bone, took it into his hairy hands, snapped it +in two, sucked the warm marrow out of it, and found it good. + +"Truly," said she to herself, "God has put great strength into this +monk!" + +At the same time she seriously forbade the pages, servants, and others +to torment the poor man, to whom out of mockery they had just given +some rotten apples and maggoty nuts. He, perceiving that the old lady +and her charge, the lady and the servants had seen him manoeuvring the +bone, pushed backed his sleeve, showed the powerful muscles of his +arm, placed nuts near his wrist on the bifurcation of the veins, and +crushed them one by one by pressing them with the palm of his hand so +vigorously that they appeared like ripe medlars. He also crunched them +between his teeth, white as the teeth of a dog, husk, shell, fruit, +and all, of which he made in a second a mash which he swallowed like +honey. He crushed them between two fingers, which he used like +scissors to cut them in two without a moment's hesitation. + +You may be sure that the women were silent, that the men believed the +devil to be in the monk; and had it not been for his wife and the +darkness of the night, the Sieur de Cande, having the fear of God +before his eyes, would have kicked him out of the house. Everyone +declared that the monk was a man capable of throwing the castle into +the moat. Therefore, as soon as everyone had wiped his mouth, my lord +took care to imprison this devil, whose strength was terrible to +behold, and had him conducted to a wretched little closet where +Perrotte had arranged her machine in order to annoy him during the +night. The tom-cats of the neighbourhood had been requested to come +and confess to him, invited to tell him their sins in embryo towards +the tabbies who attracted their affections, and also the little pigs +for whom fine lumps of tripe had been placed under the bed in order to +prevent them becoming monks, of which they were very desirous, by +disgusting them with the style of libera, which the monk would sing to +them. At every movement of poor Amador, who would find short +horse-hair in the sheets, he would bring down cold water on to the bed, +and a thousand other tricks were arranged, such are usually practised +in castles. Everyone went to bed in expectation of the nocturnal revels +of the monk, certain that they would not be disappointed, since he had +been lodged under the tiles at the top of a little tower, the guard of +the door of which was committed to dogs who howled for a bit of him. +In order to ascertain what language the conversations with the cats +and pigs would be carried on, the Sire came to stay with his dear +Perrotte, who slept in the next room. + +As soon as he found himself thus treated, Amador drew from his bag a +knife, and dexterously extricated himself. Then he began to listen in +order to find out the ways of the place, and heard the master of the +house laughing with his maid-servant. Suspecting their manoeuvres, he +waited till the moment when the lady of the house should be alone in +bed, and made his way into her room with bare feet, in order that his +sandals should not be in his secrets. He appeared to her by the light +of the lamp in the manner in which monks generally appear during the +night--that is, in a marvellous state, which the laity find it +difficult long to sustain; and the thing is an effect of the frock, +which magnifies everything. Then having let her see that he was all a +monk, he made the following little speech-- + +"Know, madame, that I am sent by Jesus and the Virgin Mary to warn you +to put an end to the improper perversities which are taking place--to +the injury of your virtue, which is treacherously deprived of your +husband's best attention, which he lavishes upon your maid. What is +the use of being a lady if the seigneurial dues are received +elsewhere. According to this, your servant is the lady and you are the +servant. Are not all the joys bestowed upon her due to you? You will +find them all amassed in our Holy Church, which is the consolation of +the afflicted. Behold in me the messenger, ready to pay these debts if +you do not renounce them." + +Saying this, the good monk gently loosened his girdle in which he was +incommoded, so much did he appear affected by the sight of those +beauties which the Sieur de Cande disdained. + +"If you speak truly, my father, I will submit to your guidance," said +she, springing lightly out of bed. "You are for sure, a messenger of +God, because you have been in a single day that which I had not +noticed here for a long time." + +Then she went, accompanied by Amador, whose holy robe she did not fail +to run her hand over, and was so struck when she found it real, that +she hoped to find her husband guilty; and indeed she heard him talking +about the monk in her servant's bed. Perceiving this felony, she went +into a furious rage and opened her mouth to resolve it into words-- +which is the usual method of women--and wished to kick up the devil's +delight before handing the girl over to justice. But Amador told her +that it would be more sensible to avenge herself first, and cry out +afterwards. + +"Avenge me quickly, then, my father," said she, "that I may begin to +cry out." + +Thereupon the monk avenged her most monastically with a good and ample +vengeance, that she indulged in as a drunkard who puts his lips to the +bunghole of a barrel; for when a lady avenges herself, she should get +drunk with vengeance, or not taste it at all. And the chatelaine was +revenged to that degree that she could not move; since nothing +agitates, takes away the breath, and exhausts, like anger and +vengeance. But although she were avenged, and doubly and trebly +avenged, yet would she not forgive, in order that she might reserve +the right of avenging herself with the monk, now here, now there. +Perceiving this love for vengeance, Amador promised to aid her in it +as long as her ire lasted, for he informed her that he knew in his +quality of a monk, constrained to meditate long on the nature of +things, an infinite number of modes, methods, and manners of +practicing revenge. + +Then he pointed out to her canonically what a Christian thing it is to +revenge oneself, because all through the Holy Scriptures God declares +Himself, above all things, to be a God of vengeance; and moreover, +demonstrates to us, by his establishment in the infernal regions, how +royally divine a thing vengeance is, since His vengeance is eternal. +From which it followed, that women with monks ought to revenge +themselves, under pain of not being Christians and faithful servants +of celestial doctrines. + +This dogma pleased the lady much, and she confessed that she had never +understood the commandments of the Church, and invited her +well-beloved monk to enlighten her thoroughly concerning them. Then +the chatelaine, whose vital spirits had been excited by the vengeance +which had refreshed them, went into the room where the jade was +amusing herself, and by chance found her with her hand where she, the +chatelaine, often had her eye--like the merchants have on their most +precious articles, in order to see that they were not stolen. They +were--according to President Lizet, when he was in a merry mood--a +couple taken in flagrant delectation, and looked dumbfounded, sheepish +and foolish. The sight that met her eyes displeased the lady beyond +the power of words to express, as it appeared by her discourse, of +which to roughness was similar to that of the water of a big pond when +the sluice-gates were opened. It was a sermon in three heads, +accompanied with music of a high gamut, varied in tones, with many +sharps among the keys. + +"Out upon virtue! my lord; I've had my share of it. You have shown me +that religion in conjugal faith is an abuse; this is then the reason +that I have no son. How many children have you consigned to this +common oven, this poor-box, this bottomless alms-purse, this leper's +porringer, the true cemetery of the House of Cande? I will know if I +am childless from a constitutional defect, or through your fault. I +will have handsome cavaliers, in order that I may have an heir. You +can get the bastards, I the legitimate children." + +"My dear," said the bewildered lord, "don't shout so." + +"But," replied the lady, "I will shout, and shout to make myself +heard, heard by the archbishop, heard by the legate, by the king, by +my brothers, who will avenge this infamy for me." + +"Do not dishonour your husband!" + +"This is dishonour then? You are right; but, my lord, it is not +brought about by you, but by this hussy, whom I will have sewn up in a +sack, and thrown into the Indre; thus your dishonour will be washed +away. Hi! there," she called out. + +"Silence, madame!" said the sire, as shamefaced as a blind man's dog; +because this great warrior, so ready to kill others, was like a child +in the hands of his wife, a state of affairs to which soldiers are +accustomed, because in them lies the strength and is found all the +dull carnality of matter; while, on the contrary, in woman is a subtle +spirit and a scintillation of perfumed flame that lights up paradise +and dazzles the male. This is the reason that certain women govern +their husbands, because mind is the master of matter. + +(At this the ladies began to laugh, as did also the king). + +"I will not be silent," said the lady of Cande (said the abbot, +continuing his tale); "I have been too grossly outraged. This, then, +is the reward of the wealth that I brought you, and of my virtuous +conduct! Did I ever refuse to obey you even during Lent, and on fast +days? Am I so cold as to freeze the sun? Do you think that I embrace +by force, from duty, or pure kindness of heart! Am I too hallowed for +you to touch? Am I a holy shrine? Was there need of a papal brief to +kiss me? God's truth! have you had so much of me that you are tired? +Am I not to your taste? Do charming wenches know more than ladies? Ha! +perhaps it is so, since she has let you work in the field without +sowing. Teach me the business; I will practice it with those whom I +take into my service, for it is settled that I am free. That is as we +should be. Your society was wearisome, and the little pleasure I +derived from it cost me too dear. Thank God! I am quit of you and your +whims, because I intend to retire to a monastery." . . . She meant to +say a convent, but this avenging monk had perverted her tongue. + +"And I shall be more comfortable in this monastery with my daughter, +than in this place of abominable wickedness. You can inherit from your +wench. Ha, ha! The fine lady of Cande! Look at her!" + +"What is the matter?" said Amador, appearing suddenly upon the scene. + +"The matter is, my father," replied she, "that my wrongs cry aloud for +vengeance. To begin with, I shall have this trollop thrown into the +river, sewn up in a sack, for having diverted the seed of the House of +Cande from its proper channel. It will be saving the hangman a job. +For the rest I will--" + +"Abandon your anger, my daughter," said the monk. "It is commanded us +by the Church to forgive those who trespass against us, if we would +find favour in the side of Heaven, because you pardon those who also +pardon others. God avenges himself eternally on those who have avenged +themselves, but keeps in His paradise those who have pardoned. From +that comes the jubilee, which is a day of great rejoicing, because all +debts and offences are forgiven. Thus it is a source of happiness to +pardon. Pardon! Pardon! To pardon is a most holy work. Pardon +Monseigneur de Cande, who will bless you for your gracious clemency, +and will henceforth love you much; This forgiveness will restore to +you the flower of youth; and believe, my dear sweet young lady, that +forgiveness is in certain cases the best means of vengeance. Pardon +your maid-servant, who will pray heaven for you. Thus God, supplicated +by all, will have you in His keeping, and will bless you with male +lineage for this pardon." + +Thus saying, the monk took the hand of the sire, placed it in that of +the lady, and added-- + +"Go and talk over the pardon." + +And then he whispered into the husband's ears this sage advice-- + +"My lord, use your best argument, and you will silence her with it, +because a woman's mouth it is only full of words when she is empty +elsewhere. Argue continually, and thus you will always have the upper +hand of your wife." + +"By the body of the Jupiter! There's good in this monk after all," +said the seigneur, as he went out. + +As soon as Amador found himself alone with Perrotte he spoke to her, +as follows-- + +"You are to blame, my dear, for having wished to torment a poor +servant of God; therefore are you now the object of celestial wrath, +which will fall upon you. To whatever place you fly it will always +follow you, will seize upon you in every limb, even after your death, +and will cook you like a pasty in the oven of hell, where you will +simmer eternally, and every day you will receive seven hundred +thousand million lashes of the whip, for the one I received through +you." + +"Ah! holy Father," said the wench, casting herself at the monk's feet, +"you alone can save me, for in your gown I should be sheltered from +the anger of God." + +Saying this, she raised the robe to place herself beneath it, and +exclaimed-- + +"By my faith! monks are better than knights." + +"By the sulphur of the devil! You are not acquainted with the monks?" + +"No," said Perrotte. + +"And you don't know the service that monks sing without saying a +word?" + +"No." + +Thereupon the monk went through this said service for her, as it is +sung on great feast days, with all the grand effects used in +monasteries, the psalms well chanted in f major, the flaming tapers, +and the choristers, and explained to her the _Introit_, and also the +_ite missa est_, and departed, leaving her so sanctified that the +wrath of heaven would have great difficulty in discovering any portion +of the girl that was not thoroughly monasticated. + +By his orders, Perrotte conducted him to Mademoiselle de Cande, the +lord's sister, to whom he went in order to learn if it was her desire +to confess to him, because monks came so rarely to the castle. The +lady was delighted, as would any good Christian have been, at such a +chance of clearing out her conscience. Amador requested her to show +him her conscience, and she having allowed him to see that which he +considered the conscience of old maids, he found it in a bad state, +and told her that the sins of women were accomplished there; that to +be for the future without sin it was necessary to have the conscience +corked up by a monk's indulgence. The poor ignorant lady having +replied that she did not know where these indulgences were to be had, +the monk informed her that he had a relic with him which enabled him +to grant one, that nothing was more indulgent than this relic, because +without saying a word it produced infinite pleasures, which is the +true, eternal and primary character of an indulgence. The poor lady +was so pleased with this relic, the virtue of which she tried in +various ways, that her brain became muddled, and she had so much faith +in it that she indulged as devoutly in indulgences as the Lady of +Cande had indulged in vengeances. This business of confession woke up +the younger Demoiselle de Cande, who came to watch the proceedings. +You may imagine that the monk had hoped for this occurrence, since his +mouth had watered at the sight of this fair blossom, whom he also +confessed, because the elder lady could not hinder him from bestowing +upon the younger one, who wished it, what remained of the indulgences. +But, remember, this pleasure was due to him for the trouble he had +taken. The morning having dawned, the pigs having eaten their tripe, +and the cats having become disenchanted with love, and having watered +all the places rubbed with herbs, Amador went to rest himself in his +bed, which Perrotte had put straight again. Every one slept, thanks to +the monk, so long, that no one in the castle was up before noon, which +was the dinner hour. The servants all believed the monk to be a devil +who had carried off the cats, the pigs, and also their masters. In +spite of these ideas however, every one was in the room at meal time. + +"Come, my father," said the chatelaine, giving her arm to the monk, +whom she put at her side in the baron's chair, to the great +astonishment of the attendants, because the Sire of Cande said not a +word. "Page, give some of this to Father Amador," said madame. + +"Father Amador has need of so and so," said the Demoiselle de Cande. + +"Fill up Father Amador's goblet," said the sire. + +"Father Amador has no bread," said the little lady. + +"What do you require, Father Amador?" said Perrotte. + +It was Father Amador here, and Father Amador there. He was regaled +like a little maiden on her wedding night. + +"Eat, father," said madame; "you made such a bad meal yesterday." + +"Drink, father," said the sire. "You are, s'blood! the finest monk I +have ever set eyes on." + +"Father Amador is a handsome monk," said Perrotte. + +"An indulgent monk," said the demoiselle. + +"A beneficent monk," said the little one. + +"A great monk," said the lady. + +"A monk who well deserves his name," said the clerk of the castle. + +Amador munched and chewed, tried all the dishes, lapped up the +hypocras, licked his chops, sneezed, blew himself out, strutted and +stamped about like a bull in a field. The others regarded him with +great fear, believing him to be a magician. Dinner over, the Lady of +Cande, the demoiselle, and the little one, besought the Sire of Cande +with a thousand fine arguments, to terminate the litigation. A great +deal was said to him by madame, who pointed out to him how useful a +monk was in a castle; by mademoiselle, who wished for the future to +polish up her conscience every day; by the little one, who pulled her +father's beard, and asked that this monk might always be at Cande. If +ever the difference were arranged, it would be by the monk: the monk +was of a good understanding, gentle and virtuous as a saint; it was a +misfortune to be at enmity with a monastery containing such monks. If +all the monks were like him, the abbey would always have everywhere +the advantage of the castle, and would ruin it, because this monk was +very strong. Finally, they gave utterance to a thousand reasons, which +were like a deluge of words, and were so pluvially showered down that +the sire yielded, saying, that there would never be a moment's peace +in the house until matters were settled to the satisfaction of the +women. Then he sent for the clerk, who wrote down for him, and also +for the monk. Then Amador surprised them exceedingly by showing them +the charters and the letters of credit, which would prevent the sire +and his clerk delaying this agreement. When the Lady of Cande saw them +about to put an end to this old case, she went to the linen chest to +get some fine cloth to make a new gown for her dear Amador. Every one +in the house had noticed how this old gown was worn, and it would have +been a great shame to leave such a treasure in such a worn-out case. +Everyone was eager to work at the gown. Madame cut it, the servant put +the hood on, the demoiselle sewed it, and the little demoiselle worked +at the sleeves. And all set so heartily to work to adorn the monk, +that the robe was ready by supper time, as was also the charter of +agreement prepared and sealed by the Sire de Cande. + +"Ah, my father!" said the lady, "if you love us, you will refresh +yourself after your merry labour by washing yourself in a bath that I +have had heated by Perrotte." + +Amador was then bathed in scented water. When he came out he found a +new robe of fine linen and lovely sandals ready for him, which made +him appear the most glorious monk in the world. + +Meanwhile the monks of Turpenay fearing for Amador, had ordered two of +their number to spy about the castle. These spies came round by the +moat, just as Perrotte threw Amador's greasy old gown, with other +rubbish, into it. Seeing which, they thought that it was all over with +the poor madman. They therefore returned, and announced that it was +certain Amador had suffered martyrdom in the service of the abbey. +Hearing which the abbot ordered them to assemble in the chapel and +pray to God, in order to assist this devoted servant in his torments. +The monk having supped, put his charter into his girdle, and wished to +return to Turpenay. Then he found at the foot of the steps madame's +mare, bridled and saddled, and held ready for him by a groom. The lord +had ordered his men-at-arms to accompany the good monk, so that no +accident might befall him. Seeing which, Amador pardoned the tricks of +the night before, and bestowed his benediction upon every one before +taking his departure from this converted place. Madame followed him +with her eyes, and proclaimed him a splendid rider. Perrotte declared +that for a monk he held himself more upright in the saddle than any of +the men-at-arms. Mademoiselle de Cande sighed. The little one wished +to have him for her confessor. + +"He has sanctified the castle," said they, when they were in the room +again. + +When Amador and his suite came to the gates of the abbey, a scene of +terror ensued, since the guardian thought that the Sire de Cande had +had his appetite for monks whetted by the blood of poor Amador, and +wished to sack the abbey. But Amador shouted with his fine bass voice, +and was recognised and admitted into the courtyard; and when he +dismounted from madame's mare there was enough uproar to make the +monks as a wild as April moons. They gave vent to shouts of joy in the +refectory, and all came to congratulate Amador, who waved the charter +over his head. The men-at-arms were regaled with the best wine in the +cellars, which was a present made to the monks of Turpenay by those of +Marmoustier, to whom belonged the lands of Vouvray. The good abbot +having had the document of the Sieur de Cande read, went about +saying-- + +"On these divine occasions there always appears the finger of God, to +whom we should render thanks." + +As the good abbot kept on at the finger of God, when thanking Amador, +the monk, annoyed to see the instrument of their delivery thus +diminished, said to him-- + +"Well, say that it is the arm, my father, and drop the subject." + +The termination of the trial between the Sieur de Cande and the abbey +of Turpenay was followed by a blessing which rendered him devoted to +the Church, because nine months after he had a son. Two years +afterwards Amador was chosen as abbot by the monks, who reckoned upon +a merry government with a madcap. But Amador become an abbot, became +steady and austere, because he had conquered his evil desires by his +labours, and recast his nature at the female forge, in which is that +fire which is the most perfecting, persevering, persistent, +perdurable, permanent, perennial, and permeating fire that there ever +was in the world. It is a fire to ruin everything, and it ruined so +well the evil that was in Amador, that it left only that which it +could not eat--that is, his wit, which was as clear as a diamond, +which is, as everyone knows, a residue of the great fire by which our +globe was formerly carbonised. Amador was then the instrument chosen +by Providence to reform our illustrious abbey, since he put everything +right there, watched night and day over his monks, made them all rise +at the hours appointed for prayers, counted them in chapel as a +shepherd counts his sheep, kept them well in hand, and punished their +faults severely, that he made them most virtuous brethren. + +This teaches us to look upon womankind more as the instruments of our +salvation than of our pleasure. Besides which, this narrative teaches +us that we should never attempt to struggle with the Churchmen. + +The king and the queen had found this tale in the best taste; the +courtiers confessed that they had never heard a better; and the ladies +would all willingly have been the heroines of it. + + + + BERTHA THE PENITENT + +I +HOW BERTHA REMAINED A MAIDEN IN THE MARRIED STATE + +About the time of the first flight of the Dauphin, which threw our +good Sire, Charles the Victorious, into a state of great dejection, +there happened a great misfortune to a noble House of Touraine, since +extinct in every branch; and it is owing to this fact that this most +deplorable history may now be safely brought to light. To aid him in +this work the author calls to his assistance the holy confessors, +martyrs, and other celestial dominations, who, by the commandments of +God, were the promoters of good in this affair. + +From some defect in his character, the Sire Imbert de Bastarnay, one +of the most landed lords in our land of Touraine, had no confidence in +the mind of the female of man, whom he considered much too animated, +on account of her numerous vagaries, and it may be he was right. In +consequence of this idea he reached his old age without a companion, +which was certainly not to his advantage. Always leading a solitary +life, this said man had no idea of making himself agreeable to others, +having only been mixed up with wars and the orgies of bachelors, with +whom he did not put himself out of the way. Thus he remained stale in +his garments, sweaty in his accoutrements, with dirty hands and an +apish face. In short, he looked the ugliest man in Christendom. As far +as regards his person only though, since so far as his heart, his +head, and other secret places were concerned, he had properties which +rendered him most praiseworthy. An angel (pray believe this) would +have walked a long way without meeting an old warrior firmer at his +post, a lord with more spotless scutcheon, of shorter speech, and more +perfect loyalty. + +Certain people have stated, they have heard that he gave sound advice, +and was a good and profitable man to consult. Was it not a strange +freak on the part of God, who plays sometimes jokes on us, to have +granted so many perfections to a man so badly apparelled? + +When he was sixty in appearance, although only fifty in years, he +determined to take unto himself a wife, in order to obtain lineage. +Then, while foraging about for a place where he might be able to find +a lady to his liking, he heard much vaunted, the great merits and +perfections of a daughter of the illustrious house of Rohan, which at +that time had some property in the province. The young lady in +question was called Bertha, that being her pet name. Imbert having +been to see her at the castle of Montbazon, was, in consequence of the +prettiness and innocent virtue of the said Bertha de Rohan, seized +with so great a desire to possess her, that he determined to make her +his wife, believing that never could a girl of such lofty descent fail +in her duty. This marriage was soon celebrated, because the Sire de +Rohan had seven daughters, and hardly knew how to provide for them +all, at a time when people were just recovering from the late wars, +and patching up their unsettled affairs. Now the good man Bastarnay +happily found Bertha really a maiden, which fact bore witness to her +proper bringing up and perfect maternal correction. So immediately the +night arrived when it should be lawful for him to embrace her, he got +her with a child so roughly that he had proof of the result two months +after marriage, which rendered the Sire Imbert joyful to a degree. In +order that we may here finish with this portion of the story, let us +at once state that from this legitimate grain was born the Sire de +Bastarnay, who was Duke by the grace of Louis the Eleventh, his +chamberlain, and more than that, his ambassador in the countries of +Europe, and well-beloved of this most redoubtable lord, to whom he +was never faithless. His loyalty was an heritage from his father, who +from his early youth was much attached to the Dauphin, whose fortunes +he followed, even in the rebellions, since he was a man to put Christ +on the cross again if it had been required by him to do so, which is +the flower of friendship rarely to be found encompassing princes and +great people. At first, the fair lady of Bastarnay comported herself +so loyally that her society caused those thick vapours and black +clouds to vanish, which obscured the mind of this great man, the +brightness of the feminine glory. Now, according to the custom of +unbelievers, he passed from suspicion to confidence so thoroughly, +that he yielded up the government of his house to the said Bertha, +made her mistress of his deeds and actions, queen of his honour, +guardian of his grey hairs, and would have slaughtered without a +contest any one who had said an evil word concerning this mirror of +virtue, on whom no breath had fallen save the breath issued from his +conjugal and marital lips, cold and withered as they were. To speak +truly on all points, it should be explained, that to this virtuous +behaviour considerably aided the little boy, who during six years +occupied day and night the attention of his pretty mother, who first +nourished him with her milk, and made of him a lover's lieutenant, +yielding to him her sweet breasts, which he gnawed at, hungry, as +often as he would, and was, like a lover, always there. This good +mother knew no other pleasures than those of his rosy lips, had no +other caresses that those of his tiny little hands, which ran about +her like the feet of playful mice, read no other book than that in his +clear baby eyes, in which the blue sky was reflected, and listened to +no other music than his cries, which sounded in her ears as angels' +whispers. You may be sure that she was always fondling him, had a +desire to kiss him at dawn of day, kissed him in the evening, would +rise in the night to eat him up with kisses, made herself a child as +he was a child, educated him in the perfect religion of maternity; +finally, behaved as the best and happiest mother that ever lived, +without disparagement to our Lady the Virgin, who could have had +little trouble in bringing up our Saviour, since he was God. + +This employment and the little taste which Bertha had for the blisses +of matrimony much delighted the old man, since he would have been +unable to return the affection of a too amorous wife, and desired to +practice economy, to have the wherewithal for a second child. + +After six years had passed away, the mother was compelled to give her +son into the hands of the grooms and other persons to whom Messire de +Bastarnay committed the task to mould him properly, in order that his +heir should have an heritage of the virtues, qualities and courage of +the house, as well as the domains and the name. Then did Bertha shed +many tears, her happiness being gone. For the great heart of this +mother it was nothing to have this well-beloved son after others, and +during only certain short fleeting hours. Therefore she became sad and +melancholy. Noticing her grief, the good man wished to bestow upon her +another child and could not, and the poor lady was displeased thereat, +because she declared that the making of a child wearied her much and +cost her dear. And this is true, or no doctrine is true, and you must +burn the Gospels as a pack of stories if you have not faith in this +innocent remark. + +This, nevertheless, to certain ladies (I did not mention men, since +they have a smattering of the science), will still seem an untruth. +The writer has taken care here to give the mute reasons for this +strange antipathy; I mean the distastes of Bertha, because I love the +ladies above all things, knowing that for want of the pleasure of +love, my face would grow old and my heart torment me. Did you ever +meet a scribe so complacent and so fond of the ladies as I am? No; of +course not. Therefore, do I love them devotedly, but not so often as I +could wish, since I have oftener in my hands my goose-quill than I +have the barbs with which one tickles their lips to make them laugh +and be merry in all innocence. I understand them, and in this way. + +The good man Bastarnay was not a smart young fellow of an amorous +nature, and acquainted with the pranks of the thing. He did not +trouble himself much about the fashion in which he killed a soldier so +long as he killed him; that he would have killed him in all ways +without saying a word in battle, is, of course, understood. The +perfect heedlessness in the matter of death was in accordance with the +nonchalance in the matter of life, the birth and manner of begetting a +child, and the ceremonies thereto appertaining. The good sire was +ignorant of the many litigious, dilatory, interlocutory and +proprietary exploits and the little humourings of the little fagots +placed in the oven to heat it; of the sweet perfumed branches gathered +little by little in the forests of love, fondlings, coddlings, +huggings, nursing, the bites at the cherry, the cat-licking, and other +little tricks and traffic of love which ruffians know, which lovers +preserve, and which the ladies love better than their salvation, +because there is more of the cat than the woman in them. This shines +forth in perfect evidence in their feminine ways. If you think it +worth while watching them, examine them attentively while they eat: +not one of them (I am speaking of women, noble and well-educated) puts +her knife in the eatables and thrusts it into her mouth, as do +brutally the males; no, they turn over their food, pick the pieces +that please them as they would gray peas in a dovecote; they suck the +sauces by mouthfuls; play with their knife and spoon as if they are +only ate in consequence of a judge's order, so much do they dislike to +go straight to the point, and make free use of variations, finesse, +and little tricks in everything, which is the especial attribute of +these creatures, and the reason that the sons of Adam delight in them, +since they do everything differently to themselves, and they do well. +You think so too. Good! I love you. + +Now then, Imbert de Bastarnay, an old soldier, ignorant of the tricks +of love, entered into the sweet garden of Venus as he would into a +place taken by assault, without giving any heed to the cries of the +poor inhabitants in tears, and placed a child as he would an arrow in +the dark. Although the gentle Bertha was not used to such treatment +(poor child, she was but fifteen), she believed in her virgin faith, +that the happiness of becoming a mother demanded this terrible, +dreadful bruising and nasty business; so during his painful task she +would pray to God to assist her, and recite _Aves_ to our Lady, +esteeming her lucky, in only having the Holy Ghost to endure. By this +means, never having experienced anything but pain in marriage, she +never troubled her husband to go through the ceremony again. Now +seeing that the old fellow was scarcely equal to it--as has been +before stated--she lived in perfect solitude, like a nun. She hated +the society of men, and never suspected that the Author of the world +had put so much joy in that from which she had only received infinite +misery. But she loved all the more her little one, who had cost her so +much before he was born. Do not be astonished, therefore, that she +held aloof from that gallant tourney in which it is the mare who +governs her cavalier, guides him, fatigues him, and abuses him, if he +stumbles. This is the true history of certain unhappy unions, +according to the statement of the old men and women, and the certain +reason of the follies committed by certain women, who too late +perceive, I know not how, that they have been deceived, and attempt to +crowd into a day more time than it will hold, to have their proper +share of life. That is philosophical, my friends. Therefore study well +this page, in order that you may wisely look to the proper government +of your wives, your sweethearts, and all females generally, and +particularly those who by chance may be under your care, from which +God preserve you. + +Thus a virgin in deed, although a mother, Bertha was in her +one-and-twentieth year a castle flower, the glory of her good man, +and the honour of the province. The said Bastarnay took great pleasure +in beholding this child come, go, and frisk about like a willow-switch, +as lively as an eel, as innocent as her little one, and still most +sensible and of sound understanding; so much so that he never +undertook any project without consulting her about it, seeing that if +the minds of these angels have not been disturbed in their purity, +they give a sound answer to everything one asks of them. At this time +Bertha lived near the town of Loches, in the castle of her lord, and +there resided, with no desire to do anything but look after her +household duties, after the old custom of the good housewives, from +which the ladies of France were led away when Queen Catherine and the +Italians came with their balls and merry-makings. To these practices +Francis the First and his successors, whose easy ways did as much harm +to the State of France as the goings on of the Protestants lent their +aid. This, however, has nothing to do with my story. + +About this time the lord and lady of Bastarnay were invited by the +king to come to his town of Loches, where for the present he was with +his court, in which the beauty of the lady of Bastarnay had made a +great noise. Bertha came to Loches, received many kind praises from +the king, was the centre of the homage of all the young nobles, who +feasted their eyes on this apple of love, and of the old ones, who +warmed themselves at this sun. But you may be sure that all of them, +old and young, would have suffered death a thousand times over to have +at their service this instrument of joy, which dazzled their eyes and +muddled their brains. Bertha was more talked about in Loches then +either God or the Gospels, which enraged a great many ladies who were +not so bountifully endowed with charms, and would have given all that +was left of their honour to have sent back to her castle this fair +gatherer of smiles. + +A young lady having early perceived that one of her lovers was smitten +with Bertha, took such a hatred to her that from it arose all the +misfortunes of the lady of Bastarnay; but also from the same source +came her happiness, and her discovery of the gentle land of love, of +which she was ignorant. This wicked lady had a relation who had +confessed to her, directly he saw Bertha, that to be her lover he +would be willing to die after a month's happiness with her. Bear in +mind that this cousin was as handsome as a girl is beautiful, had no +hair on his chin, would have gained his enemy's forgiveness by asking +for it, so melodious was his young voice, and was scarcely twenty +years of age. + +"Dear cousin," said she to him, "leave the room, and go to your house; +I will endeavour to give you this joy. But do not let yourself be seen +by her, nor by that old baboon-face by an error of nature on a +Christian's body, and to whom belongs this beauteous fay." + +The young gentleman out of the way, the lady came rubbing her +treacherous nose against Bertha's, and called her "My friend, my +treasure, my star of beauty"; trying every way to be agreeable to her, +to make her vengeance more certain on the poor child who, all +unwittingly, had caused her lover's heart to be faithless, which, for +women ambitious in love, is the worst of infidelities. After a little +conversation, the plotting lady suspected that poor Bertha was a +maiden in matters of love, when she saw her eyes full of limpid water, +no marks on the temples, no little black speck on the point of her +little nose, white as snow, where usually the marks of the amusement +are visible, no wrinkle on her brow; in short, no habit of pleasure +apparent on her face--clear as the face of an innocent maiden. Then +this traitress put certain women's questions to her, and was perfectly +assured by the replies of Bertha, that if she had had the profit of +being a mother, the pleasures of love had been denied to her. At this +she rejoiced greatly on her cousin's behalf--like the good woman she +was. + +Then she told her, that in the town of Loches there lived a young and +noble lady, of the family of a Rohan, who at that time had need of the +assistance of a lady of position to be reconciled with the Sire Louis +de Rohan; that if she had as much goodness as God had given her +beauty, she would take her with her to the castle, ascertain for +herself the sanctity of her life, and bring about a reconciliation +with the Sire de Rohan, who refused to receive her. To this Bertha +consented without hesitation, because the misfortunes of this girl +were known to her, but not the poor young lady herself, whose name was +Sylvia, and whom she had believed to be in a foreign land. + +It is here necessary to state why the king had given this invitation +to the Sire de Bastarnay. He had a suspicion of the first flight of +his son the Dauphin into Burgundy, and wished to deprive him of so +good a counsellor as was the said Bastarnay. But the veteran, faithful +to young Louis, had already, without saying a word, made up his mind. +Therefore he took Bertha back to his castle; but before they set out +she told him she had taken a companion and introduced her to him. It +was the young lord, disguised as a girl, with the assistance of his +cousin, who was jealous of Bertha, and annoyed at her virtue. Imbert +drew back a little when he learned that it was Sylvia de Rohan, but +was also much affected at the kindness of Bertha, whom he thanked for +her attempt to bring a little wandering lamb back to the fold. He made +much of his wife, when his last night at home came, left men-at-arms +about his castle, and then set out with the Dauphin for Burgundy, +having a cruel enemy in his bosom without suspecting it. The face of +the young lad was unknown to him, because he was a young page come to +see the king's court, and who had been brought up by the Cardinal +Dunois, in whose service he was a knight-bachelor. + +The old lord, believing that he was a girl, thought him very modest +and timid, because the lad, doubting the language of his eyes, kept +them always cast down; and when Bertha kissed him on the mouth, he +trembled lest his petticoat might be indiscreet, and would walk away +to the window, so fearful was he of being recognised as a man by +Bastarnay, and killed before he had made love to the lady. + +Therefore he was as joyful as any lover would have been in his place, +when the portcullis was lowered, and the old lord galloped away across +the country. He had been in such suspense that he made a vow to build +a pillar at his own expense in the cathedral at Tours, because he had +escaped the danger of his mad scheme. He gave, indeed, fifty gold +marks to pay God for his delight. But by chance he had to pay for it +over again to the devil, as it appears from the following facts if the +tale pleases you well enough to induce you to follow the narrative, +which will be succinct, as all good speeches should be. + + +II +HOW BERTHA BEHAVED, KNOWING THE BUSINESS OF LOVE + +This bachelor was the young Sire Jehan de Sacchez, cousin of the Sieur +de Montmorency, to whom, by the death of the said Jehan, the fiefs of +Sacchez and other places would return, according to the deed of +tenure. He was twenty years of age and glowed like a burning coal; +therefore you may be sure that he had a hard job to get through the +first day. While old Imbert was galloping across the fields, the two +cousins perched themselves under the lantern of the portcullis, in +order to keep him the longer in view, and waved him signals of +farewells. When the clouds of dust raised by the heels of the horses +were no longer visible upon the horizon, they came down and went into +the great room of the castle. + +"What shall we do, dear cousin?" said Bertha to the false Sylvia. "Do +you like music? We will play together. Let us sing the lay of some +sweet ancient bard. Eh? What do you say? Come to my organ; come along. +As you love me, sing!" + +Then she took Jehan by the hand and led him to the keyboard of the +organ, at which the young fellow seated himself prettily, after the +manner of women. "Ah! sweet coz," cried Bertha, as soon as the first +notes tried, the lad turned his head towards her, in order that they +might sing together. "Ah! sweet coz you have a wonderful glance in +your eye; you move I know not what in my heart." + +"Ah! cousin," replied the false Sylvia, "that it is which has been my +ruin. A sweet milord of the land across the sea told me so often that +I had fine eyes, and kissed them so well, that I yielded, so much +pleasure did I feel in letting them be kissed." + +"Cousin, does love then, commence in the eyes?" + +"In them is the forge of Cupid's bolts, my dear Bertha," said the +lover, casting fire and flame at her. + +"Let us go on with our singing." + +They then sang, by Jehan's desire, a lay of Christine de Pisan, every +word of which breathed love. + +"Ah! cousin, what a deep and powerful voice you have. It seems to +pierce me." + +"Where?" said the impudent Sylvia. + +"There," replied Bertha, touching her little diaphragm, where the +sounds of love are understood better than by the ears, but the +diaphragm lies nearer the heart, and that which is undoubtedly the +first brain, the second heart, and the third ear of the ladies. I say +this, with all respect and with all honour, for physical reasons and +for no others. + +"Let us leave off singing," said Bertha; "it has too great an effect +upon me. Come to the window; we can do needlework until the evening." + +"Ah! dear cousin of my soul, I don't know how to hold the needle in my +fingers, having been accustomed, to my perdition to do something else +with them." + +"Eh! what did you do then all day long?" + +"Ah! I yielded to the current of love, which makes days seem Instants, +months seem days, and years months; and if it could last, would gulp +down eternity like a strawberry, seeing that it is all youth and +fragrance, sweetness and endless joy." + +Then the youth dropped his beautiful eyelids over his eyes, and +remained as melancholy as a poor lady who has been abandoned by her +lover, who weeps for him, wishes to kiss him, and would pardon his +perfidy, if he would but seek once again the sweet path to his +once-loved fold. + +"Cousin, does love blossom in the married state?" + +"Oh no," said Sylvia; "because in the married state everything is +duty, but in love everything is done in perfect freedom of heart. This +difference communicates an indescribable soft balm to those caresses +which are the flowers of love." + +"Cousin, let us change the conversation; it affects me more than did +the music." + +She called hastily to a servant to bring her boy to her, who came, and +when Sylvia saw him, she exclaimed-- + +"Ah! the little dear, he is as beautiful as love." + +Then she kissed him heartily upon the forehead. + +"Come, my little one," said the mother, as the child clambered into +her lap. "Thou art thy mother's blessing, her unclouded joy, the +delight of her every hour, her crown, her jewel, her own pure pearl, +her spotless soul, her treasure, her morning and evening star, her +only flame, and her heart's darling. Give me thy hands, that I may eat +them; give me thine ears, that I may bite them; give me thy head, that +I may kiss thy curls. Be happy sweet flower of my body, that I may be +happy too." + +"Ah! cousin," said Sylvia, "you are speaking the language of love to +him." + +"Love is a child then?" + +"Yes, cousin; therefore the heathen always portrayed him as a little +boy." + +And with many other remarks fertile in the imagery of love, the two +pretty cousins amused themselves until supper time, playing with the +child. + +"Would you like to have another?" whispered Jehan, at an opportune +moment, into his cousin's ear, which he touched with his warm lips. + +"Ah! Sylvia! for that I would ensure a hundred years of purgatory, if +it would only please God to give me that joy. But in spite of the +work, labour, and industry of my spouse, which causes me much pain, my +waist does not vary in size. Alas! It is nothing to have but one +child. If I hear the sound of a cry in the castle, my heart beats +ready to burst. I fear man and beast alike for this innocent darling; +I dread volts, passes, and manual exercises; in fact, I dread +everything. I live not in myself, but in him alone. And, alas! I like +to endure these miseries, because when I fidget, and tremble, it is a +sign that my offspring is safe and sound. To be brief--for I am never +weary of talking on this subject--I believe that my breath is in him, +and not in myself." + +With these words she hugged him to her breasts, as only mothers know +how to hug children, with a spiritual force that is felt only in their +hearts. If you doubt this, watch a cat carrying her kittens in her +mouth, not one of them gives a single mew. The youthful gallant, who +had certain fears about watering this fair, unfertile plain, was +reassured by this speech. He thought then that it would only be +following the commandments of God to win this saint to love; and he +thought right. At night Bertha asked her cousin--according to the old +custom, to which the ladies of our day object--to keep her company in +her big seigneurial bed. To which request Sylvia replied--in order to +keep up the role of a well-born maiden--that nothing would give her +greater pleasure. The curfew rang, and found the two cousins in a +chamber richly ornamented with carpeting, fringes, and royal +tapestries, and Bertha began gracefully to disarray herself, assisted +by her women. You can imagine that her companion modestly declined +their services, and told her cousin, with a little blush, that she was +accustomed to undress herself ever since she had lost the services of +her dearly beloved, who had put her out of conceit with feminine +fingers by his gentle ways; that these preparations brought back the +pretty speeches he used to make, and his merry pranks while playing +the lady's-maid; and that to her injury, the memory of all these +things brought the water into her mouth. + +This discourse considerably astonished the lady Bertha, who let her +cousin say her prayers, and make other preparations for the night +beneath the curtains of the bed, into which my lord, inflamed with +desire, soon tumbled, happy at being able to catch an occasional +glimpse of the wondrous charms of the chatelaine, which were in no way +injured. Bertha, believing herself to be with an experienced girl, did +not omit any of the usual practices; she washed her feet, not minding +whether she raised them little or much, exposed her delicate little +shoulders, and did as all the ladies do when they are retiring to +rest. At last she came to bed, and settled herself comfortably in it, +kissing her cousin on the lips, which she found remarkably warm. + +"Are you unwell, Sylvia, that you burn so?" said she. + +"I always burn like that when I go to bed," replied her companion, +"because at that time there comes back to my memory the pretty little +tricks that he invented to please me, and which make me burn still +more." + +"Ah! cousin, tell me all about this he. Tell all the sweets of love to +me, who live beneath the shadow of a hoary head, of which the snows +keep me from such warm feelings. Tell me all; you are cured. It will +be a good warning to me, and then your misfortunes will have been a +salutary lesson to two poor weak women." + +"I do not know I ought to obey you, sweet cousin," said the youth. + +"Tell me, why not?" + +"Ah! deeds are better than words," said the false maiden, heaving a +deep sigh as the _ut_ of an organ. "But I am afraid that this milord +has encumbered me with so much joy that you may get a little of it, +which would be enough to give you a daughter, since the power of +engendering is weakened in me." + +"But," said Bertha, "between us, would it be a sin?" + +"It would be, on the contrary, a joy both here and in heaven; the +angels would shed their fragrance around you, and make sweet music in +your ears." + +"Tell me quickly, then," said Bertha. + +"Well, then, this is how my dear lord made my heart rejoice." + +With these words Jehan took Bertha in his arms, and strained her +hungering to his heart, for in the soft light of the lamp, and clothed +with the spotless linen, she was in this tempting bed, like the pretty +petals of a lily at the bottom of the virgin calyx. + +"When he held me as I hold thee he said to me, with a voice far +sweeter than mine, 'Ah, Bertha, thou art my eternal love, my priceless +treasure, my joy by day and my joy by night; thou art fairer than the +day is day; there is naught so pretty as thou art. I love thee more +than God, and would endure a thousand deaths for the happiness I ask +of thee!' Then he would kiss me, not after the manner of husbands, +which is rough, but in a peculiar dove-like fashion." + +To show her there and then how much better was the method of lovers, +he sucked all the honey from Bertha's lips, and taught her how, with +her pretty tongue, small and rosy as that of a cat, she could speak to +the heart without saying a single word, and becoming exhausted at this +game, Jehan spread the fire of his kisses from the mouth to the neck, +from the neck to the sweetest forms that ever a woman gave a child to +slake its thirst upon. And whoever had been in his place would have +thought himself a wicked man not to imitate him. + +"Ah!" said Bertha, fast bound in love without knowing it; "this is +better. I must take care to tell Imbert about it." + +"Are you in your proper senses, cousin? Say nothing about it to your +old husband. How could he make his hands pleasant like mine? They are +as hard as washerwoman's beetles, and his piebald beard would hardly +please this centre of bliss, that rose in which lies our wealth, our +substance, our loves, and our fortune. Do you know that it is a living +flower, which should be fondled thus, and not used like a trombone, or +as if it were a catapult of war? Now this was the gentle way of my +beloved Englishman." + +Thus saying, the handsome youth comported himself so bravely in the +battle that victory crowned his efforts, and poor innocent Bertha +exclaimed-- + +"Ah! cousin, the angels are come! but so beautiful is the music, that +I hear nothing else, and so flaming are their luminous rays, that my +eyes are closing." + +And, indeed, she fainted under the burden of those joys of love which +burst forth in her like the highest notes of the organ, which +glistened like the most magnificent aurora, which flowed in her veins +like the finest musk, and loosened the liens of her life in giving her +a child of love, who made a great deal of confusion in taking up his +quarters. Finally, Bertha imagined herself to be in Paradise, so happy +did she feel; and woke from this beautiful dream in the arms of Jehan, +exclaiming-- + +"Ah! who would not have been married in England!" + +"My sweet mistress," said Jehan, whose ecstasy was sooner over, "you +are married to me in France, where things are managed still better, +for I am a man who would give a thousand lives for you if he had +them." + +Poor Bertha gave a shriek so sharp that it pierced the walls, and +leapt out of bed like a mountebank of the plains of Egypt would have +done. She fell upon her knees before her _Prie-Dieu_, joined her +hands, and wept more pearls than ever Mary Magdalene wore. + +"Ah! I am dead" she cried; "I am deceived by a devil who has taken the +face of an angel. I am lost; I am the mother for certain of a +beautiful child, without being more guilty than you, Madame the +Virgin. Implore the pardon of God for me, if I have not that of men +upon earth; or let me die, so that I may not blush before my lord and +master." + +Hearing that she said nothing against him, Jehan rose, quite aghast to +see Bertha take this charming dance for two so to heart. But the +moment she heard her Gabriel moving she sprang quickly to her feet, +regarded him with a tearful face, and her eye illumined with a holy +anger, which made her more lovely to look upon, exclaimed-- + +"If you advance a single step towards me, I will make one towards +death!" + +And she took her stiletto in her hand. + +So heartrending was the tragic spectacle of her grief that Jehan +answered her-- + +"It is not for thee but for me to die, my dear, beautiful mistress, +more dearly loved than will ever woman be again upon this earth." + +"If you had truly loved me you would not have killed me as you have, +for I will die sooner than be reproached by my husband." + +"Will you die?" said he. + +"Assuredly," said she. + +"Now, if I am here pierced with a thousand blows, you will have your +husband's pardon, to whom you will say that if your innocence was +surprised, you have avenged his honour by killing the man who had +deceived you; and it will be the greatest happiness that could ever +befall me to die for you, the moment you refuse to live for me." + +Hearing this tender discourse spoken with tears, Bertha dropped the +dagger; Jehan sprang upon it, and thrust it into his breast, saying-- + +"Such happiness can be paid for but with death." + +And fell stiff and stark. + +Bertha, terrified, called aloud for her maid. The servant came, and +terribly alarmed to see a wounded man in Madame's chamber, and Madame +holding him up, crying and saying, "What have you done, my love?" +because she believed he was dead, and remembered her vanished joys, +and thought how beautiful Jehan must be, since everyone, even Imbert, +believed him to be a girl. In her sorrow she confessed all to her +maid, sobbing and crying out, "that it was quite enough to have upon +her mind the life of a child without having the death of a man as +well." Hearing this the poor lover tried to open his eyes, and only +succeeded in showing a little bit of the white of them. + +"Ha! Madame, don't cry out," said the servant, "let us keep our senses +together and save this pretty knight. I will go and seek La Fallotte, +in order not to let any physician or surgeon into the secret, and as +she is a sorceress she will, to please Madame, perform the miracle of +healing this wound so not a trace of it shall remain. + +"Run!" replied Bertha. "I will love you, and will pay you well for +this assistance." + +But before anything else was done the lady and her maid agreed to be +silent about this adventure, and hide Jehan from every eye. Then the +servant went out into the night to seek La Fallotte, and was +accompanied by her mistress as far as the postern, because the guard +could not raise the portcullis without Bertha's special order. Bertha +found on going back that her lover had fainted, for the blood was +flowing from the wound. At the sight she drank a little of his blood, +thinking that Jehan had shed it for her. Affected by this great love +and by the danger, she kissed this pretty varlet of pleasure on the +face, bound up his wound, bathing it with her tears, beseeching him +not to die, and exclaiming that if he would live she would love him +with all her heart. You can imagine that the chatelaine became still +more enamoured while observing what a difference there was between a +young knight like Jehan, white, downy, and agreeable, and an old +fellow like Imbert, bristly, yellow, and wrinkled. This difference +brought back to her memory that which she had found in the pleasure of +love. Moved by this souvenir, her kisses became so warm that Jehan +came back to his senses, his look improved, and he could see Bertha, +from whom in a feeble voice he asked forgiveness. But Bertha forbade +him to speak until La Fallotte had arrived. Then both of them consumed +the time by loving each other with their eyes, since in those of +Bertha there was nothing but compassion, and on these occasions pity +is akin to love. + +La Fallotte was a hunchback, vehemently suspected of dealings in +necromancy, and of riding to nocturnal orgies on a broomstick, +according to the custom of witches. Certain persons had seen her +putting the harness on her broom in the stable, which, as everyone +knows is on the housetops. To tell the truth, she possessed certain +medical secrets, and was of such great service to ladies in certain +things, and to the nobles, that she lived in perfect tranquillity, +without giving up the ghost on a pile of fagots, but on a feather bed, +for she had made a hatful of money, although the physicians tormented +her by declaring that she sold poisons, which was certainly true, as +will be shown in the sequel. The servant and La Fallotte came on the +same ass, making such haste that they arrived at the castle before the +day had fully dawned. + +The old hunchback exclaimed, as she entered the chamber, "Now then, my +children, what is the matter?" + +This was her manner, which was familiar with great people, who +appeared very small to her. She put on her spectacles, and carefully +examined the wound, saying-- + +"This is fine blood, my dear; you have tasted it. That's all right, he +has bled externally." + +Then she washed the wound with a fine sponge, under the nose of the +lady and the servant, who held their breath. To be brief, Fallotte +gave it as her medical opinion, that the youth would not die from this +blow, "although," said she, looking at his hand, "he will come to a +violent end through this night's deed." + +This decree of chiromancy frightened considerably both Bertha and the +maid. Fallotte prescribed certain remedies, and promised to come again +the following night. Indeed, she tended the wound for a whole +fortnight, coming secretly at night-time. The people about the castle +were told by the servants that their young lady, Sylvia de Rohan, was +in danger of death, through a swelling of the stomach, which must +remain a mystery for the honour of Madame, who was her cousin. Each +one was satisfied with this story, of which his mouth was so full that +he told it to his fellows. + +The good people believe that it was the malady which was fraught with +danger; but it was not! it was the convalescence, for the stronger +Jehan grew, the weaker Bertha became, and so weak that she allowed +herself to drift into that Paradise the gates of which Jehan had +opened for her. To be brief, she loved him more and more. But in the +midst of her happiness, always mingled with apprehension at the +menacing words of Fallotte, and tormented by her great religion, she +was in great fear of her husband, Imbert, to whom she was compelled to +write that he had given her a child, who would be ready to delight him +on his return. Poor Bertha avoided her lover, Jehan, during the day on +which she wrote the lying letter, over which she soaked her +handkerchief with tears. Finding himself avoided (for they had +previously left each other no more than fire leaves the wood it has +bitten) Jehan believed that she was beginning to hate him, and +straightway he cried too. In the evening Bertha, touched by his tears, +which had left their mark upon his eyes, although he had well dried +them, told him the cause of her sorrow, mingling therewith her +confessions of her terrors for the future, pointing out to him how +much they were both to blame, and discoursing so beautifully to him, +gave utterance to such Christian sentences, ornamented with holy tears +and contrite prayers, that Jehan was touched to the quick by the +sincerity of his mistress. This love innocently united to repentance, +this nobility in sin, this mixture of weakness and strength, would, as +the old authors say, have changed the nature of a tiger, melting it to +pity. You will not be astonished then, that Jehan was compelled to +pledge his word as a knight-bachelor, to obey her in what ever she +should command him, to save her in this world and in the next. +Delighted at this confidence in her, and this goodness of heart, +Bertha cast herself at Jehan's feet, and kissing them, exclaimed-- + +"Oh! my love, whom I am compelled to love, although it is a mortal sin +to do so, thou who art so good, so gentle to thy poor Bertha, if thou +wouldst have her always think of thee with pleasure, and stop the +torrent of her tears, whose source is so pretty and so pleasant (here, +to show him that it was so, she let him steal a kiss)--Jehan, if thou +wouldst that the memory of our celestial joys, angel music, and the +fragrance of love should be a consolation to me in my loneliness +rather than a torment, do that which the Virgin commanded me to order +thee in a dream, in which I was beseeching her to direct me in the +present case, for I had asked her to come to me, and she had come. +Then I told her the horrible anguish I should endure, trembling for +this little one, whose movements I already feel, and for the real +father, who would be at the mercy of the other, and might expiate his +paternity by a violent death, since it is possible that La Fallotte +saw clearly into his future life. Then the beautiful Virgin told me, +smiling, that the Church offered its forgiveness for our faults if we +followed her commandments; that it was necessary to save one's self +from the pains of hell, by reforming before Heaven became angry. Then +with her finger she showed me a Jehan like thee, but dressed as thou +shouldst be, and as thou wilt be, if thou does but love thy Bertha +with a love eternal." + +Jehan assured her of his perfect obedience, and raised her, seating +her on his knee, and kissing her. The unhappy Bertha told him then +that this garment was a monk's frock, and trembling besought him +--almost fearing a refusal--to enter the Church, and retire to +Marmoustier, beyond Tours, pledging him her word that she would grant +him a last night, after which she would be neither for him nor for +anyone else in the world again. And each year, as a reward for this, +she would let him come to her one day, in order that he might see the +child. Jehan, bound by his oath, promised to obey his mistress, saying +that by this means he would be faithful to her, and would experience +no joys of love but those tasted in her divine embrace, and would live +upon the dear remembrance of them. Hearing these sweet words, Bertha +declared to him that, however great might have been her sin, and +whatever God reserved for her, this happiness would enable her to +support it, since she believed she had not fallen through a man, but +through an angel. + +Then they returned to the nest which contained their love but only to +bid a final adieu to all their lovely flowers. There can be but little +doubt that Seigneur Cupid had something to do with this festival, for +no woman ever experienced such joy in any part of the world before, +and no man ever took as much. The especial property of true love is a +certain harmony, which brings it about that the more one gives, the +more the other receives, and vice-versa, as in certain cases in +mathematics, where things are multiplied by themselves without end. +This problem can only be explained to unscientific people, by asking +them to look into their Venetian glasses, in which are to be seen +thousands of faces produced by one alone. Thus, in the heart of two +lovers, the roses of pleasure multiply within them in a manner which +causes them to be astonished that so much joy can be contained, +without anything bursting. Bertha and Jehan would have wished in this +night to have finished their days, and thought, from the excessive +languor which flowed in their veins, that love had resolved to bear +them away on his wings with the kiss of death; but they held out in +spite of these numerous multiplications. + +On the morrow, as the return of Monsieur Imbert de Bastarnay was close +at hand, the lady Sylvia was compelled to depart. The poor girl left +her cousin, covering her with tears and with kisses; it was always her +last, but the last lasted till evening. Then he was compelled to leave +her, and he did leave her although the blood of his heart congealed, +like the fallen wax of a Paschal candle. According to his promise, he +wended his way towards Marmoustier, which he entered towards the +eleventh hour of the day, and was placed among the novices. +Monseigneur de Bastarnay was informed that Sylvia had returned to the +Lord which is the signification of le Seigneur in the English +language; and therefore in this Bertha did not lie. + +The joy of her husband, when he saw Bertha without her waistband--she +could not wear it, so much had she increased in size--commenced the +martyrdom of this poor woman, who did not know how to deceive, and +who, at each false word, went to her Prie-Dieu, wept her blood away +from her eyes in tears, burst into prayers, and recommended herself to +the graces of Messieurs the Saints in paradise. It happened that she +cried so loudly to God that He heard her, because He hears everything; +He hears the stones that roll beneath the waters, the poor who groan, +and the flies who wing their way through the air. It is well that you +should know this, otherwise you would not believe in what happened. +God commanded the archangel Michael to make for this penitent a hell +upon earth, so that she might enter without dispute into Paradise. +Then St. Michael descended from the skies as far as the gate of hell, +and handed over this triple soul to the devil, telling him that he had +permission to torment it during the rest of her days, at the same time +indicating to him Bertha, Jehan and the child. + +The devil, who by the will of God, is lord of all evil, told the +archangel that he would obey the message. During this heavenly +arrangement life went on as usual here below. The sweet lady of +Bastarnay gave the most beautiful child in the world to the Sire +Imbert, a boy all lilies and roses, of great intelligence, like a +little Jesus, merry and arch as a pagan love. He became more beautiful +day by day, while the elder was turning into an ape, like his father, +whom he painfully resembled. The younger boy was as bright as a star, +and resembled his father and mother, whose corporeal and spiritual +perfections had produced a compound of illustrious graces and +marvellous intelligence. Seeing this perpetual miracle of body and +mind blended with the essential conditions, Bastarnay declared that +for his eternal salvation he would like to make the younger the elder, +and that he would do with the king's protection. Bertha did not know +what to do, for she adored the child of Jehan, and could only feel a +feeble affection for the other, whom, nevertheless she protected +against the evil intentions of the old fellow, Bastarnay. + +Bertha, satisfied with the way things were going, quieted her +conscience with falsehood, and thought that all danger was past, since +twelve years had elapsed with no other alloy than the doubt which at +times embittered her joy. Each year, according to her pledged faith, +the monk of Marmoustier, who was unknown to everyone except the +servant-maid, came to pass a whole day at the chateau to see his +child, although Bertha had many times besought brother Jehan to yield +his right. But Jehan pointed to the child, saying, "You see him every +day of the year, and I only once!" And the poor mother could find no +word to answer this speech with. + +A few months before the last rebellion of the Dauphin Louis against +his father, the boy was treading closely on the heels of his twelfth +year, and appeared likely to become a great savant, so learned was he +in all the sciences. Old Bastarnay had never been more delighted at +having been a father in his life, and resolved to take his son with +him to the Court of Burgundy, where Duke Charles promised to make for +this well-beloved son a position, which should be the envy of princes, +for he was not at all averse to clever people. Seeing matters thus +arranged, the devil judged the time to be ripe for his mischiefs. He +took his tail and flapped it right into the middle of this happiness, +so that he could stir it up in his own peculiar way. + + +III +HORRIBLE CHASTISEMENT OF BERTHA AND EXPIATION OF THE SAME, +WHO DIED PARDONED + +The servant of the lady of Bastarnay, who was then about +five-and-thirty years old, fell in love with one of the master's +men-at-arms, and was silly enough to let him take loaves out of the +oven, until there resulted therefrom a natural swelling, which certain +wags in these parts call a nine months' dropsy. The poor woman begged +her mistress to intercede for her with the master, so that he might +compel this wicked man to finish at the altar that which he had +commenced elsewhere. Madame de Bastarnay had no difficulty in obtaining +this favour from him, and the servant was quite satisfied. But the old +warrior, who was always extremely rough, hastened into his pretorium, +and blew him up sky-high, ordering him, under the pain of the gallows, +to marry the girl; which the soldier preferred to do, thinking more of +his neck than of his peace of mind. + +Bastarnay sent also for the female, to whom he imagined, for the +honour of his house, he ought to sing a litany, mixed with epithets +and ornamented with extremely strong expressions, and made her think, +by way of punishment, that she was not going to be married, but flung +into one of the cells in the jail. The girl fancied that Madame wanted +to get rid of her, in order to inter the secret of the birth of her +beloved son. With this impression, when the old ape said such +outrageous things to her--namely, that he must have been a fool to +keep a harlot in his house--she replied that he certainly was a very +big fool, seeing that for a long time past his wife had been played +the harlot, and with a monk too, which was the worst thing that could +happen to a warrior. + +Think of the greatest storm you ever saw it in your life, and you will +have a weak sketch of the furious rage into which the old man fell, +when thus assailed in a portion of his heart which was a triple life. +He seized the girl by the throat, and would have killed her there and +then, but she, to prove her story, detailed the how, the why, and the +when, and said that if he had no faith in her, he could have the +evidence of his own ears by hiding himself the day that Father Jehan +de Sacchez, the prior of Marmoustier, came. He would then hear the +words of the father, who solaced herself for his year's fast, and in +one day kissed his son for the rest of the year. + +Imbert ordered this woman instantly to leave the castle, since, if her +accusation were true, he would kill her just as though she had +invented a tissue of lies. In an instant he had given her a hundred +crowns, besides her man, enjoining them not to sleep in Touraine; and +for greater security, they were conducted into Burgundy, by de +Bastarnay's officers. He informed his wife of their departure, saying, +that as her servant was a damaged article he had thought it best to +get rid of her, but had given her a hundred crowns, and found +employment for the man at the Court of Burgundy. Bertha was astonished +to learn that her maid had left the castle without receiving her +dismissal from herself, her mistress; but she said nothing. Soon +afterwards she had other fish to fry, for she became a prey to vague +apprehensions, because her husband completely changed in his manner, +commenced to notice the likeness of his first-born to himself, and +could find nothing resembling his nose, or his forehead, his this, or +his that, in the youngest he loved so well. + +"He is my very image," replied Bertha one day that he was throwing out +these hints. "Know you not that in well regulated households, children +are formed from the father and mother, each in turn, or often from +both together, because the mother mingles her qualities with the vital +force of the father? Some physicians declare that they have known many +children born without any resemblance to either father or mother, and +attribute these mysteries to the whim of the Almighty." + +"You have become very learned, my dear," replied Bastarnay; "but I, +who am an ignoramus, I should fancy that a child who resembles a +monk--" + +"Had a monk for a father!" said Bertha, looking at him with an +unflinching gaze, although ice rather than blood was coursing through +her veins. + +The old fellow thought he was mistaken, and cursed the servant; but he +was none the less determined to make sure of the affair. As the day of +Father Jehan's visit was close at hand, Bertha, whose suspicions were +aroused by this speech, wrote him that it was her wish that he should +not come this year, without, however, telling him her reason; then she +went in search of La Fallotte at Loches, who was to give her letter to +Jehan, and believed everything was safe for the present. She was all +the more pleased at having written to her friend the prior, when +Imbert, who, towards the time appointed for the poor monk's annual +treat, had always been accustomed to take a journey into the province +of Maine, where he had considerable property, remained this time at +home, giving as his reason the preparations for rebellion which +monseigneur Louis was then making against his father, who as everyone +knows, was so cut up at this revolt that it caused his death. This +reason was so good a one, that poor Bertha was quite satisfied with +it, and did not trouble herself. On the regular day, however, the +prior arrived as usual. Bertha seeing him, turned pale, and asked him +if he had not received her message. + +"What message?" said Jehan. + +"Ah! we are lost then; the child, thou, and I," replied Bertha. + +"Why so?" said the prior. + +"I know not," said she; "but our last day has come." + +She inquired of her dearly beloved son where Bastarnay was. The young +man told her that his father had been sent for by a special messenger +to Loches, and would not be back until evening. Thereupon Jehan +wished, is spite of his mistress, to remain with her and his dear son, +asserting that no harm would come of it, after the lapse of twelve +years, since the birth of their boy. + +The days when that adventurous night you know of was celebrated, +Bertha stayed in her room with the poor monk until supper time. But on +this occasion the lovers--hastened by the apprehensions of Bertha, +which was shared by Jehan directly she had informed him of them--dined +immediately, although the prior of Marmoustier reassured Bertha by +pointing out to her the privileges of the Church, and how Bastarnay, +already in bad odour at court, would be afraid to attack a dignitary +of Marmoustier. When they were sitting down to table their little one +happened to be playing, and in spite of the reiterated prayers of his +mother, would not stop his games, since he was galloping about the +courtyard on a fine Spanish barb, which Duke Charles of Burgundy had +presented to Bastarnay. And because young lads like to show off, +varlets make themselves bachelors at arms, and bachelors wish to play +the knight, this boy was delighted at being able to show the monk what +a man he was becoming; he made the horse jump like a flea in the +bedclothes, and sat as steady as a trooper in the saddle. + +"Let him have his way, my darling," said the monk to Bertha. +"Disobedient children often become great characters." + +Bertha ate sparingly, for her heart was as swollen as a sponge in +water. At the first mouthful, the monk, who was a great scholar, felt +in his stomach a pain, and on his palette a bitter taste of poison +that caused him to suspect that the Sire de Bastarnay had given them +all their quietus. Before he had made this discovery Bertha had eaten. +Suddenly the monk pulled off the tablecloth and flung everything into +the fireplace, telling Bertha his suspicion. Bertha thanked the Virgin +that her son had been so taken up with his sport. Retaining his +presence of mind, Jehan, who had not forgotten the lesson he had +learned as a page, leaped into the courtyard, lifted his son from the +horse, sprang across it himself, and flew across the country with such +speed that you would have thought him a shooting-star if you had seen +him digging the spurs into the horse's bleeding flanks, and he was at +Loches in Fallotte's house in the same space of time that only the +devil could have done the journey. He stated the case to her in two +words, for the poison was already frying his marrow, and requested her +to give him an antidote. + +"Alas," said the sorceress, "had I known that it was for you I was +giving this poison, I would have received in my breast the dagger's +point, with which I was threatened, and would have sacrificed my poor +life to save that of a man of God, and of the sweetest woman that ever +blossomed on this earth; for alas! my dear friend, I have only two +drops of the counter-poison that you see in this phial." + +"Is there enough for her?" + +"Yes, but go at once," said the old hag. + +The monk came back more quickly that he went, so that the horse died +under him in the courtyard. He rushed into the room where Bertha, +believing her last hour to be come, was kissing her son, and writhing +like a lizard in the fire, uttering no cry for herself, but for the +child, left to the wrath of Bastarnay, forgetting her own agony at the +thought of his cruel future. + +"Take this," said the monk; "my life is saved!" + +Jehan had the great courage to say these words with an unmoved face, +although he felt the claws of death seizing his heart. Hardly had +Bertha drunk when the prior fell dead, not, however, without kissing +his son, and regarding his dear lady with an eye that changed not even +after his last sigh. This sight turned her as cold as marble, and +terrified her so much that she remained rigid before this dead man, +stretched at her feet, pressing the hand of her child, who wept, +although her own eye was as dry as the Red Sea when the Hebrews +crossed it under the leadership of Baron Moses, for it seemed to her +that she had sharp sand rolling under her eyelids. Pray for her, ye +charitable souls, for never was woman so agonised, in divining that +her lover has saved her life at the expense of his own. Aided by her +son, she herself placed the monk in the middle of the bed, and stood +by the side of it, praying with the boy, whom she then told that the +prior was his true father. In this state she waited her evil hour, and +her evil hour did not take long in coming, for towards the eleventh +hour Bastarnay arrived, and was informed at the portcullis that the +monk was dead, and not Madame and the child, and he saw his beautiful +Spanish horse lying dead. Thereupon, seized with a furious desire to +slay Bertha and the monk's bastard, he sprang up the stairs with one +bound; but at the sight of the corpse, for whom his wife and her son +repeated incessant litanies, having no ears for his torrent of +invective, having no eyes for his writhings and threats, he had no +longer the courage to perpetrate this dark deed. After the first fury +of his rage had passed, he could not bring himself to it, and quitted +the room like a coward and a man taken in crime, stung to the quick by +those prayers continuously said for the monk. The night was passed in +tears, groans, and prayers. + +By an express order from Madame, her servant had been to Loches to +purchase for her the attire of a young lady of quality, and for her +poor child a horse and the arms of an esquire; noticing which the +Sieur de Bastarnay was much astonished. He sent for Madame and the +monk's son, but neither mother nor child returned any answer, but +quietly put on the clothes purchased by the servant. By Madame's order +this servant made up the account of her effects, arranged her clothes, +purples, jewels, and diamonds, as the property of a widow is arranged +when she renounces her rights. Bertha ordered even her alms-purse be +included, in order that the ceremony might be perfect. The report of +these preparations ran through the house, and everyone knew then that +the mistress was about to leave it, a circumstance that filled every +heart with sorrow, even that of a little scullion, who had only been a +week in the place, but to whom Madame had already given a kind word. + +Frightened at these preparations, old Bastarnay came into her chamber, +and found her weeping over the body of Jehan, for the tears had come +at last; but she dried them directly she perceived her husband. To his +numerous questions she replied briefly by the confession of her fault, +telling him how she had been duped, how the poor page had been +distressed, showing him upon the corpse the mark of the poniard wound; +how long he had been getting well; and how, in obedience to her, and +from penitence towards God, he had entered the Church, abandoning the +glorious career of a knight, putting an end to his name, which was +certainly worse than death; how she, while avenging her honour, had +thought that even God himself would not have refused the monk one day +in the year to see the son for whom he had sacrificed everything; how, +not wishing to live with a murderer, she was about to quit his house, +leaving all her property behind her; because, if the honour of the +Bastarnays was stained, it was not she who had brought the shame +about; because in this calamity she had arranged matters as best she +could; finally, she added a vow to go over mountain and valley, she +and her son, until all was expiated, for she knew how to expiate all. + +Having with noble mien and a pale face uttered these beautiful words, +she took her child by the hand and went out in great mourning, more +magnificently beautiful than was Mademoiselle Hagar on her departure +from the residence of the patriarch Abraham, and so proudly, that all +the servants and retainers fell on their knees as she passed along, +imploring her with joined hands, like Notre Dame de la Riche. It was +pitiful to see the Sieur de Bastarnay following her, ashamed, weeping, +confessing himself to blame, and downcast and despairing, like a man +being led to the gallows, there to be turned off. + +And Bertha turned a deaf ear to everything. The desolation was so +great that she found the drawbridge lowered, and hastened to quit the +castle, fearing that it might be suddenly raised again; but no one had +the right or the heart to do it. She sat down on the curb of the moat, +in view of the whole castle, who begged her, with tears, to stay. The +poor sire was standing with his hand upon the chain of the portcullis, +as silent as the stone saints carved above the door. He saw Bertha +order her son to shake the dust from his shoes at the end of the +bridge, in order to have nothing belonging to Bastarnay about him; and +she did likewise. Then, indicating the sire to her son with her +finger, she spoke to him as follows-- + +"Child, behold the murderer of thy father, who was, as thou art aware, +the poor prior; but thou hast taken the name of this man. Give it him +back here, even as thou leavest the dust taken by the shoes from his +castle. For the food that thou hast had in the castle, by God's help +we will also settle." + +Hearing this, Bastarnay would have let his wife receive a whole +monastery of monks in order not to be abandoned by her, and by a young +squire capable of becoming the honour of his house, and remained with +his head sunk down against the chains. + +The heart of Bertha was suddenly filled with holy solace, for the +banner of the great monastery turned the corner of a road across the +fields, and appeared accompanied by the chants of the Church, which +burst forth like heavenly music. The monks, informed of the murder +perpetrated on their well-beloved prior, came in procession, assisted +by the ecclesiastical justice, to claim his body. When he saw this, +the Sire de Bastarnay had barely that time to make for the postern +with his men, and set out towards Monseigneur Louis, leaving +everything in confusion. + +Poor Bertha, en croup behind her son, came to Montbazon to bid her +father farewell, telling him that this blow would be her death, and +was consoled by those of her family who endeavoured to raise her +spirits, but were unable to do so. The old Sire de Rohan presented his +grandson with a splendid suit of armour, telling him to acquire glory +and honour that he might turn his mother's faults into eternal renown. +But Madame de Bastarnay had implanted in the mind of her dear son no +other idea than of atoning for the harm done, in order to save her and +Jehan from eternal damnation. Both then set out for the places then in +a state of rebellion, in order to render such service to Bastarnay +that he would receive from them more than life itself. + +Now the heat of the sedition was, as everyone knows, in the +neighbourhood of Angouleme, and of Bordeaux in Guienne, and other +parts of the kingdom, where great battles and severe conflicts between +the rebels and the royal armies was likely to take place. The +principal one which finished the war was given between Ruffec and +Angouleme, where all the prisoners taken were tried and hanged. This +battle, commanded by old Bastarnay, took place in the month of +November, seven months after the poisoning of Jehan. Now the Baron +knew that his head had been strongly recommended as one to be cut off, +he being the right hand of Monsiegneur Louis. Directly his men began +to fall back, the old fellow found himself surrounded by six men +determined to seize him. Then he understood that they wished to take +him alive, in order to proceed against his house, ruin his name, and +confiscate his property. The poor sire preferred rather to die and +save his family, and present the domains to his son. He defended +himself like the brave old lion that he was. In spite of their number, +these said soldiers, seeing three of their comrades fall, were obliged +to attack Bastarnay at the risk of killing him, and threw themselves +together upon him, after having laid low two of his equerries and a +page. + +In this extreme danger an esquire wearing the arms of Rohan, fell upon +the assailants like a thunderbolt, and killed two of them, crying, +"God save the Bastarnays!" The third man-at-arms, who had already +seized old Bastarnay, was so hard pressed by this squire, that he was +obliged to leave the elder and turn against the younger, to whom he +gave a thrust with his dagger through a flaw in his armour. Bastarnay +was too good a comrade to fly without assisting the liberator of his +house, who was badly wounded. With a blow of his mace he killed the +man-at-arms, seized the squire, lifted him on to his horse, and gained +the open, accompanied by a guide, who led him to the castle of +Roche-Foucauld, which he entered by night, and found in the great room +Bertha de Rohan, who had arranged this retreat for him. But on +removing the helmet of his rescuer, he recognised the son of Jehan, +who expired upon the table, as by a final effort he kissed his mother, +and saying in a loud voice to her-- + +"Mother, we have paid the debt we owed him!" + +Hearing these words, the mother clasped the body of her loved child to +her heart, and separated from him never again, for she died of grief, +without hearing or heeding the pardon and repentance of Bastarnay. + +The strange calamity hastened the last day of the poor old man, who +did not live to see the coronation of King Louis the Eleventh. He +founded a daily mass in the Church of Roche-Foucauld, where in the +same grave he placed mother and son, with a large tombstone, upon +which their lives are much honoured in the Latin language. + +The morals which any one can deduce from this history are the most +profitable for the conduct of life, since this shows how gentlemen +should be courteous with the dearly beloveds of their wives. Further, +it teaches us that all children are blessings sent by God Himself, and +over them fathers, whether true or false, have no right of murder, as +was formerly the case at Rome, owing to a heathen and abominable law, +which ill became that Christianity which makes us all sons of God. + + + + HOW THE PRETTY MAID OF PORTILLON CONVINCED HER JUDGE + +The Maid of Portillon, who became as everyone knows, La Tascherette, +was, before she became a dyer, a laundress at the said place of +Portillon, from which she took her name. If any there be who do not +know Tours, it may be as well to state that Portillon is down the +Loire, on the same side as St. Cyr, about as far from the bridge which +leads to the cathedral of Tours as said bridge is distant from +Marmoustier, since the bridge is in the centre of the embankment +between Portillon and Marmoustier. Do you thoroughly understand? + +Yes? Good! Now the maid had there her washhouse, from which she ran to +the Loire with her washing in a second and took the ferry-boat to get +to St. Martin, which was on the other side of the river, for she had +to deliver the greater part of her work in Chateauneuf and other +places. + +About Midsummer day, seven years before marrying old Taschereau, she +had just reached the right age to be loved, without making a choice +from any of the lads who pursued her with their intentions. Although +there used to come to the bench under her window the son of Rabelais, +who had seven boats on the Loire, Jehan's eldest, Marchandeau the +tailor, and Peccard the ecclesiastical goldsmith, she made fun of them +all, because she wished to be taken to church before burthening +herself with a man, which proves that she was an honest woman until +she was wheedled out of her virtue. She was one of those girls who +take great care not to be contaminated, but who, if by chance they get +deceived, let things take their course, thinking that for one stain or +for fifty a good polishing up is necessary. These characters demand +our indulgence. + +A young noble of the court perceived her one day when she was crossing +the water in the glare of the noonday sun, which lit up her ample +charms, and seeing her, asked who she was. An old man, who was working +on the banks, told him she was called the Pretty Maid of Portillon, a +laundress, celebrated for her merry ways and her virtue. This young +lord, besides ruffles to starch, had many precious draperies and +things; he resolved to give the custom of his house to this girl, whom +he stopped on the road. He was thanked by her and heartily, because he +was the Sire du Fou, the king's chamberlain. This encounter made her +so joyful that her mouth was full of his name. She talked about it a +great deal to the people of St. Martin, and when she got back to the +washhouse was still full of it, and on the morrow at her work her +tongue went nineteen to the dozen, and all on the same subject, so +that as much was said concerning my Lord du Fou in Portillon as of God +in a sermon; that is, a great deal too much. + +"If she works like that in cold water, what will she do in warm?" said +an old washerwoman. "She wants du Fou; he'll give her du Fou!" + +The first time this giddy wench, with her head full of Monsieur du +Fou, had to deliver the linen at his hotel, the chamberlain wished to +see her, and was very profuse in praises and compliments concerning +her charms, and wound up by telling her that she was not at all silly +to be beautiful, and therefore he would give her more than she +expected. The deed followed the word, for the moment his people were +out of the room, he began to caress the maid, who thinking he was +about to take out the money from his purse, dared not look at the +purse, but said, like a girl ashamed to take her wages-- + +"It will be for the first time." + +"It will be soon," said he. + +Some people say that he had great difficulty in forcing her to accept +what he offered her, and hardly forced her at all; others that he +forced her badly, because she came out like an army flagging on the +route, crying and groaning, and came to the judge. It happened that +the judge was out. La Portillone awaited his return in his room, +weeping and saying to the servant that she had been robbed, because +Monseigneur du Fou had given her nothing but his mischief; whilst a +canon of the Chapter used to give her large sums for that which M. du +Fou wanted for nothing. If she loved a man she would think it wise to +do things for him for nothing, because it would be a pleasure to her; +but the chamberlain had treated her roughly, and not kindly and +gently, as he should have done, and that therefore he owed her the +thousand crowns of the canon. Then the judge came in, saw the wench, +and wished to kiss her, but she put herself on guard, and said she had +come to make a complaint. The judge replied that certainly she could +have the offender hanged if she liked, because he was most anxious to +serve her. The injured maiden replied that she did not wish the death +of her man, but that he should pay her a thousand gold crowns, because +she had been robbed against her will. + +"Ha! ha!" said the judge, "what he took was worth more than that." + +"For the thousand crowns I'll cry quits, because I shall be able to +live without washing." + +"He who has robbed you, is he well off?" + +"Oh yes." + +"Then he shall pay dearly for it. Who is it?" + +"Monseigneur du Fou." + +"Oh, that alters the case," said the judge. + +"But justice?" said she. + +"I said the case, not the justice of it," replied the judge. "I must +know how the affair occurred." + +Then the girl related naively how she was arranging the young lord's +ruffles in his wardrobe, when he began to play with her skirt, and she +turned round saying-- + +"Go on with you!" + +"You have no case," said the judge, "for by that speech he thought +that you gave him leave to go on. Ha! ha!" + +Then she declared that she had defended herself, weeping and crying +out, and that that constitutes an assault. + +"A wench's antics to incite him," said the judge. + +Finally, La Portillone declared that against her will she had been +taken round the waist and thrown, although she had kicked and cried +and struggled, but that seeing no help at hand, she had lost courage. + +"Good! good!" said the judge. "Did you take pleasure in the affair?" + +"No," said she. "My anguish can only be paid for with a thousand +crowns." + +"My dear," said the judge, "I cannot receive your complaint, because I +believe no girl could be thus treated against her will." + +"Hi! hi! hi! Ask your servant," said the little laundress, sobbing, +"and hear what she'll tell you." + +The servant affirmed that there were pleasant assaults and unpleasant +ones; that if La Portillone had received neither amusement nor money, +either one or the other was due to her. This wise counsel threw the +judge into a state of great perplexity. + +"Jacqueline," said he, "before I sup I'll get to the bottom of this. +Now go and fetch my needle and the red thread that I sew the law paper +bags with." + +Jacqueline came back with a big needle, pierced with a pretty little +hole, and a big red thread, such as the judges use. Then she remained +standing to see the question decided, very much disturbed, as was also +the complainant at these mysterious preparations. + +"My dear," said the judge, "I am going to hold the bodkin, of which +the eye is sufficiently large, to put this thread into it without +trouble. If you do put it in, I will take up your case, and will make +Monseigneur offer you a compromise." + +"What's that?" said she. "I will not allow it." + +"It is a word used in justice to signify an agreement." + +"A compromise is then agreeable with justice?" said La Portillone. + +"My dear, this violence has also opened your mind. Are you ready?" + +"Yes," said she. + +The waggish judge gave the poor nymph fair play, holding the eye +steady for her; but when she wished to slip in the thread that she had +twisted to make straight, he moved a little, and the thread went on +the other side. She suspected the judge's argument, wetted the thread, +stretched it, and came back again. The judge moved, twisted about, and +wriggled like a bashful maiden; still this cursed thread would not +enter. The girl kept trying at the eye, and the judge kept fidgeting. +The marriage of the thread could not be consummated, the bodkin +remained virgin, and the servant began to laugh, saying to La +Portillone that she knew better how to endure than to perform. Then +the roguish judge laughed too, and the fair Portillone cried for her +golden crowns. + +"If you don't keep still," cried she, losing patience; "if you keep +moving about I shall never be able to put the thread in." + +"Then, my dear, if you had done the same, Monseigneur would have been +unsuccessful too. Think, too, how easy is the one affair, and how +difficult the other." + +The pretty wench, who declared she had been forced, remained +thoughtful, and sought to find a means to convince the judge by +showing how she had been compelled to yield, since the honour of all +poor girls liable to violence was at stake. + +"Monseigneur, in order that the bet made the fair, I must do exactly +as the young lord did. If I had only had to move I should be moving +still, but he went through other performances." + +"Let us hear them," replied the judge. + +Then La Portillone straightens the thread, and rubs it in the wax of +the candle, to make it firm and straight; then she looked towards the +eye of the bodkin, held by the judge, slipping always to the right or +to the left. Then she began making endearing little speeches, such as, +"Ah, the pretty little bodkin! What a pretty mark to aim at! Never did +I see such a little jewel! What a pretty little eye! Let me put this +little thread into it! Ah, you will hurt my poor thread, my nice +little thread! Keep still! Come, my love of a judge, judge of my love! +Won't the thread go nicely into this iron gate, which makes good use +of the thread, for it comes out very much out of order?" Then she +burst out laughing, for she was better up in this game than the judge, +who laughed too, so saucy and comical and arch was she, pushing the +thread backwards and forwards. She kept the poor judge with the case +in his hand until seven o'clock, keeping on fidgeting and moving about +like a schoolboy let loose; but as La Portillone kept on trying to put +the thread in, he could not help it. As, however, his joint was +burning, and his wrist was tired, he was obliged to rest himself for a +minute on the side of the table; then very dexterously the fair maid +of Portillon slipped the thread in, saying-- + +"That's how the thing occurred." + +"But my joint was burning." + +"So was mine," said she. + +The judge, convinced, told La Portillone that he would speak to +Monseigneur du Fou, and would himself carry the affair through, since +it was certain the young lord had embraced her against her will, but +that for valid reasons he would keep the affair dark. On the morrow +the judge went to the Court and saw Monseigneur du Fou, to whom he +recounted the young woman's complaint, and how she had set forth her +case. This complaint lodged in court, tickled the king immensely. +Young du Fou having said that there was some truth in it, the king +asked if he had had much difficulty, and as he replied, innocently, +"No," the king declared the girl was quite worth a hundred gold +crowns, and the chamberlain gave them to the judge, in order not to be +taxed with stinginess, and said the starch would be a good income to +La Portillone. The judge came back to La Portillone, and said, +smiling, that he had raised a hundred gold crowns for her. But if she +desired the balance of the thousand, there were at that moment in the +king's apartments certain lords who, knowing the case, had offered to +make up the sum for her, with her consent. The little hussy did not +refuse this offer, saying, that in order to do no more washing in the +future she did not mind doing a little hard work now. She gratefully +acknowledged the trouble the good judge had taken, and gained her +thousand crowns in a month. From this came the falsehoods and jokes +concerning her, because out of these ten lords jealousy made a +hundred, whilst, differently from young men, La Portillone settled +down to a virtuous life directly she had her thousand crowns. Even a +Duke, who would have counted out five hundred crowns, would have found +this girl rebellious, which proves she was niggardly with her +property. It is true that the king caused her to be sent for to his +retreat of Rue Quinquangrogne, on the mall of Chardonneret, found her +extremely pretty, exceedingly affectionate, enjoyed her society, and +forbade the sergeants to interfere with her in any way whatever. +Seeing she was so beautiful, Nicole Beaupertuys, the king's mistress, +gave her a hundred gold crowns to go to Orleans, in order to see if +the colour of the Loire was the same there as at Portillon. She went +there, and the more willingly because she did not care very much for +the king. When the good man came who confessed the king in his last +hours, and was afterwards canonised, La Portillone went to him to +polish up her conscience, did penance, and founded a bed in the +leper-house of St. Lazare-aux-Tours. Many ladies whom you know have +been assaulted by more than two lords, and have founded no other beds +than those in their own houses. It is as well to relate this fact, in +order to cleanse the reputation of this honest girl, who herself once +washed dirty things, and who afterwards became famous for her clever +tricks and her wit. She gave a proof of her merit in marrying +Taschereau, who she cuckolded right merrily, as has been related in the +story of The Reproach. This proves to us most satisfactorily that with +strength and patience justice itself can be violated. + + + + IN WHICH IT IS DEMONSTRATED THAT FORTUNE IS ALWAYS FEMININE + +During the time when knights courteously offered to each other both +help and assistance in seeking their fortune, it happened that in +Sicily--which, as you are probably aware, is an island situated in the +corner of the Mediterranean Sea, and formerly celebrated--one knight +met in a wood another knight, who had the appearance of a Frenchman. +Presumably, this Frenchman was by some chance stripped of everything, +and was so wretchedly attired that but for his princely air he might +have been taken for a blackguard. It was possible that his horse had +died of hunger or fatigue, on disembarking from the foreign shore for +which he came, on the faith of the good luck which happened to the +French in Sicily, which was true in every respect. + +The Sicilian knight, whose name was Pezare, was a Venetian long absent +from the Venetian Republic, and with no desire to return there, since +he had obtained a footing in the Court of the King of Sicily. Being +short of funds in Venice, because he was a younger son, he had no +fancy for commerce, and was for that reason eventually abandoned by +his family, a most illustrious one. He therefore remained at this +Court, where he was much liked by the king. + +This gentleman was riding a splendid Spanish horse, and thinking to +himself how lonely he was in this strange court, without trusty +friends, and how in such cases fortune was harsh to helpless people +and became a traitress, when he met the poor French knight, who +appeared far worse off that he, who had good weapons, a fine horse, +and a mansion where servants were then preparing a sumptuous supper. + +"You must have come a long way to have so much dust on your feet," +said the Venetian. + +"My feet have not as much dust as the road was long," answered the +Frenchman. + +"If you have travelled so much," continued the Venetian, "you must be +a learned man." + +"I have learned," replied the Frenchman, "to give no heed to those who +do not trouble about me. I have learnt that however high a man's head +was, his feet were always level with my own; more than that, I have +learnt to have no confidence in the warm days of winter, in the sleep +of my enemies, or the words of my friends." + +"You are, then, richer than I am," said the Venetian, astonished, +"since you tell me things of which I never thought." + +"Everyone must think for himself," said the Frenchman; "and as you +have interrogated me, I can request from you the kindness of pointing +to me the road to Palermo or some inn, for the night is closing in." + +"Are you then, acquainted with no French or Sicilian gentlemen at +Palermo?" + +"No." + +"Then you are not certain of being received?" + +"I am disposed to forgive those who reject me. The road, sir, if you +please." + +"I am lost like yourself," said the Venetian. "Let us look for it in +company." + +"To do that we must go together; but you are on horseback, I am on +foot." + +The Venetian took the French knight on his saddle behind him, and +said-- + +"Do you know with whom you are?" + +"With a man, apparently." + +"Do you think you are in safety?" + +"If you were a robber, you would have to take care of yourself," said +the Frenchman, putting the point of his dagger to the Venetian's +heart. + +"Well, now, my noble Frenchman, you appear to be a man of great +learning and sound sense; know that I am a noble, established at the +Court of Sicily, but alone, and I seek a friend. You seem to be in the +same plight, and, judging from appearances, you do not seem friendly +with your lot, and have apparently need of everybody." + +"Should I be happier if everybody wanted me?" + +"You are a devil, who turns every one of my words against me. By St. +Mark! my lord knight, can one trust you?" + +"More than yourself, who commenced our federal friendship by deceiving +me, since you guide your horse like a man who knows his way, and you +said you were lost." + +"And did not you deceive me?" said the Venetian, "by making a sage of +your years walk, and giving a noble knight the appearance of a +vagabond? Here is my abode; my servants have prepared supper for us." + +The Frenchman jumped off the horse, and entered the house with the +Venetian cavalier, accepting his supper. They both seated themselves +at the table. The Frenchman fought so well with his jaws, he twisted +the morsels with so much agility, that he showed herself equally +learned in suppers, and showed it again in dexterously draining the +wine flasks without his eye becoming dimmed or his understanding +affected. Then you may be sure that the Venetian thought to himself he +had fallen in with a fine son of Adam, sprung from the right side and +the wrong one. While they were drinking together, the Venetian +endeavoured to find some joint through which to sound the secret +depths of his friend's cogitations. He, however, clearly perceived +that he would cast aside his shirt sooner than his prudence, and +judged it opportune to gain his esteem by opening his doublet to him. +Therefore he told him in what state was Sicily, where reigned Prince +Leufroid and his gentle wife; how gallant was the Court, what courtesy +there flourished, that there abounded many lords of Spain, Italy, +France, and other countries, lords in high feather and well feathered; +many princesses, as rich as noble, and as noble as rich; that this +prince had the loftiest aspirations--such as to conquer Morocco, +Constantinople, Jerusalem, the lands of Soudan, and other African +places. Certain men of vast minds conducted his affairs, bringing +together the ban and arriere ban of the flower of Christian chivalry, +and kept up his splendour with the idea of causing to reign over the +Mediterranean this Sicily, so opulent in times gone by, and of ruining +Venice, which had not a foot of land. These designs had been planted +in the king's mind by him, Pezare; but although he was high in that +prince's favour, he felt himself weak, had no assistance from the +courtiers, and desired to make a friend. In this great trouble he had +gone for a little ride to turn matters over in his mind, and decide +upon the course to pursue. Now, since while in this idea he had met a +man of so much sense as the chevalier had proved herself to be, he +proposed to fraternise with him, to open his purse to him, and give +him his palace to live in. They would journey in company through life +in search of honours and pleasure, without concealing one single +thought, and would assist each other on all occasions as the +brothers-in-arms did at the Crusades. Now, as the Frenchman was seeking +his fortune, and required assistance, the Venetian did not for a moment +expect that this offer of mutual consolation would be refused. + +"Although I stand in need of no assistance," said the Frenchman, +"because I rely upon a point which will procure me all that I desire, +I should like to acknowledge your courtesy, dear Chevalier Pezare. You +will soon see that you will yet be the debtor of Gauttier de +Monsoreau, a gentleman of the fair land of Touraine." + +"Do you possess any relic with which your fortune is wound up?" said +the Venetian. + +"A talisman given me by my dear mother," said the Touranian, "with +which castles and cities are built and demolished, a hammer to coin +money, a remedy for every ill, a traveller's staff always ready to be +tried, and worth most when in a state of readiness, a master tool, +which executes wondrous works in all sorts of forges, without making +the slightest noise." + +"Eh! by St. Mark you have, then, a mystery concealed in your hauberk?" + +"No," said the French knight; "it is a perfectly natural thing. Here +it is." + +And rising suddenly from the table to prepare for bed, Gauttier showed +to the Venetian the finest talisman to procure joy that he had ever +seen. + +"This," said the Frenchman, as they both got into bed together, +according to the custom of the times, "overcomes every obstacle, by +making itself master of female hearts; and as the ladies are the +queens in this court, your friend Gauttier will soon reign there." + +The Venetian remained in great astonishment at the sight of the secret +charms of the said Gauttier, who had indeed been bounteously endowed +by his mother, and perhaps also by his father; and would thus triumph +over everything, since he joined to this corporeal perfection the wit +of a young page, and the wisdom of an old devil. Then they swore an +eternal friendship, regarding as nothing therein a woman's heart, +vowing to have one and the same idea, as if their heads had been in +the same helmet; and they fell asleep on the same pillow enchanted +with this fraternity. This was a common occurrence in those days. + +On the morrow the Venetian gave a fine horse to his friend Gauttier, +also a purse full of money, fine silken hose, a velvet doublet, +fringed with gold, and an embroidered mantle, which garments set off +his figure so well, and showed up his beauties, that the Venetian was +certain he would captivate all the ladies. The servants received +orders to obey this Gauttier as they would himself, so that they +fancied their master had been fishing, and had caught this Frenchman. +Then the two friends made their entry into Palermo at the hour when +the princes and princesses were taking the air. Pezare presented his +French friend, speaking so highly of his merits, and obtaining such a +gracious reception for him, that Leufroid kept him to supper. The +knight kept a sharp eye on the Court, and noticed therein various +curious little secret practices. If the king was a brave and handsome +prince, the princess was a Spanish lady of high temperature, the most +beautiful and most noble woman of his Court, but inclined to +melancholy. Looking at her, the Touranian believed that she was +sparingly embraced by the king, for the law of Touraine is that joy in +the face comes from joy elsewhere. Pezare pointed out to his friend +Gauttier several ladies to whom Leufroid was exceedingly gracious and +who were exceedingly jealous and fought for him in a tournament of +gallantries and wonderful female inventions. From all this Gauttier +concluded that the prince went considerably astray with his court, +although he had the prettiest wife in the world, and occupied himself +with taxing the ladies of Sicily, in order that he might put his horse +in their stables, vary his fodder, and learn the equestrian +capabilities of many lands. Perceiving what a life Leufroid was +leading, the Sire de Monsoreau, certain that no one in the Court had +had the heart to enlighten the queen, determined at one blow to plant +his halberd in the field of the fair Spaniard by a master stroke; and +this is how. At supper-time, in order to show courtesy to the foreign +knight, the king took care to place him near the queen, to whom the +gallant Gauttier offered his arm, to take her into the room, and +conducted her there hastily, to get ahead of those who were following, +in order to whisper, first of all, a word concerning a subject which +always pleases the ladies in whatever condition they may be. Imagine +what this word was, and how it went straight through the stubble and +weeds into the warm thicket of love. + +"I know, your majesty, what causes your paleness of face." + +"What?" said she. + +"You are so loving that the king loves you night and day; thus you +abuse your advantage, for he will die of love." + +"What should I do to keep him alive?" said the queen. + +"Forbid him to repeat at your altar more than three prayers a day." + +"You are joking, after the French fashion, Sir Knight, seeing that the +king's devotion to me does not extend beyond a short prayer a week." + +"You are deceived," said Gauttier, seating himself at the table. "I +can prove to you that love should go through the whole mass, matins, +and vespers, with an _Ave_ now and then, for queens as for simple +women, and go through the ceremony every day, like the monks in their +monastery, with fervour; but for you these litanies should never +finish." + +The queen cast upon the knight a glance which was far from one of +displeasure, smiled at him, and shook her head. + +"In this," said she, "men are great liars." + +"I have with me a great truth which I will show you when you wish it." +replied the knight. "I undertake to give you queen's fare, and put you +on the high road to joy; by this means you will make up for lost time, +the more so as the king is ruined through other women, while I shall +reserve my advantage for your service." + +"And if the king learns of our arrangement, he will put your head on a +level with your feet." + +"Even if this misfortune befell me it after the first night, I should +believe I had lived a hundred years, from the joy therein received, +for never have I seen, after visiting all Courts, a princess fit to +hold a candle to your beauty. To be brief, if I die not by the sword, +you will still be the cause of my death, for I am resolved to spend my +life in your love, if life will depart in the place whence it comes." + +Now this queen had never heard such words before, and preferred them +to the most sweetly sung mass; her pleasure showed itself in her face, +which became purple, for these words made her blood boil within her +veins, so that the strings of her lute were moved thereat, and struck +a sweet note that rang melodiously in her ears, for this lute fills +with its music the brain and the body of the ladies, by a sweet +artifice of their resonant nature. What a shame to be young, +beautiful, Spanish, and queen, and yet neglected. She conceived an +intense disdain for those of her Court who had kept their lips closed +concerning this infidelity, through fear of the king, and determined +to revenge herself with the aid of this handsome Frenchman, who cared +so little for life that in his first words he had staked it in making +a proposition to a queen, which was worthy of death, if she did her +duty. Instead of this, however, she pressed his foot with her own, in +a manner that admitted no misconception, and said aloud to him-- + +"Sir Knight, let us change the subject, for it is very wrong of you to +attack a poor queen in her weak spot. Tell us the customs of the +ladies of the Court of France." + +Thus did the knight receive the delicate hint that the business was +arranged. Then he commenced to talk of merry and pleasant things, +which during supper kept the court, the king, the queen, and all the +courtiers in a good humour; so much so that when the siege was raised, +Leufroid declared that he had never laughed so much in his life. Then +they strolled about the gardens, which were the most beautiful in the +world, and the queen made a pretext of the chevalier's sayings to walk +beneath a grove of blossoming orange trees, which yielded a delicious +fragrance. + +"Lovely and noble queen," said Gauttier, immediately, "I have seen in +all countries the perdition of love have its birth in these first +attentions, which we call courtesy; if you have confidence in me, let +us agree, as people of high intelligence, to love each other without +standing on so much ceremony; by this means no suspicion will be +aroused, our happiness will be less dangerous and more lasting. In +this fashion should queens conduct their amours, if they would avoid +interference." + +"Well said," said she. "But as I am new at this business, I did not +know what arrangements to make." + +"Have you are among your women one in whom you have perfect +confidence?" + +"Yes," said she; "I have a maid who came from Spain with me, who would +put herself on a gridiron for me like St. Lawrence did for God, but +she is always poorly." + +"That's good," said her companion, "because you go to see her." + +"Yes," said the queen, "and sometimes at night." + +"Ah!" exclaimed Gauttier, "I make a vow to St. Rosalie, patroness of +Sicily, to build her a gold altar for this fortune." + +"O Jesus!" cried the queen. "I am doubly blessed in having a lover so +handsome and yet so religious." + +"Ah, my dear, I have two sweethearts today, because I have a queen to +love in heaven above, and another one here below, and luckily these +loves cannot clash one with the other." + +This sweet speech so affected the queen, that for nothing she would +have fled with this cunning Frenchman. + +"The Virgin Mary is very powerful in heaven," said the queen. "Love +grant that I may be like her!" + +"Bah! they are talking of the Virgin Mary," said the king, who by +chance had come to watch them, disturbed by a gleam of jealousy, cast +into his heart by a Sicilian courtier, who was furious at the sudden +favour which the Frenchman had obtained. + +The queen and the chevalier laid their plans, and everything was +secretly arranged to furnish the helmet of the king with two invisible +ornaments. The knight rejoined the Court, made himself agreeable to +everyone, and returned to the Palace of Pezare, whom he told that +their fortunes were made, because on the morrow, at night, he would +sleep with the queen. This swift success astonished the Venetian, who, +like a good friend, went in search of fine perfumes, linen of Brabant, +and precious garments, to which queens are accustomed, with all of +which he loaded his friend Gauttier, in order that the case might be +worthy the jewel. + +"Ah, my friend," said he "are you sure not to falter, but to go +vigorously to work, to serve the queen bravely, and give her such joys +in her castle of Gallardin that she may hold on for ever to this +master staff, like a drowning sailor to a plank?" + +"As for that, fear nothing, dear Pezare, because I have the arrears of +the journey, and I will deal with her as with a simple servant, +instructing her in the ways of the ladies of Touraine, who understand +love better than all others, because they make it, remake it, and +unmake it to make it again and having remade it, still keep on making +it; and having nothing else to do, have to do that which always wants +doing. Now let us settle our plans. This is how we shall obtain the +government of the island. I shall hold the queen and you the king; we +will play the comedy of being great enemies before the eyes of the +courtiers, in order to divide them into two parties under our command, +and yet, unknown to all, we will remain friends. By this means we +shall know their plots, and will thwart them, you by listening to my +enemies and I to yours. In the course of a few days we will pretend to +quarrel in order to strive one against the other. This quarrel will be +caused by the favour in which I will manage to place you with the +king, through the channel of the queen, and he will give you supreme +power, to my injury." + +On the morrow Gauttier went to the house of the Spanish lady, who +before the courtiers he recognised as having known in Spain, and he +remained there seven whole days. As you can imagine, the Touranian +treated the queen as a fondly loved woman, and showed her so many +terra incognita in love, French fashions, little tendernesses, etc., +that she nearly lost her reason through it, and swore that the French +were the only people who thoroughly understood love. You see how the +king was punished, who, to keep her virtuous, had allowed weeds to +grow in the grange of love. Their supernatural festivities touched the +queen so strongly that she made a vow of eternal love to Montsoreau, +who had awakened her, by revealing to her the joys of the proceeding. +It was arranged that the Spanish lady should take care always to be +ill; and that the only man to whom the lovers would confide their +secret should be the court physician, who was much attached to the +queen. By chance this physician had in his glottis, chords exactly +similar to those of Gauttier, so that by a freak of nature they had +the same voice, which much astonished the queen. The physician swore +on his life faithfully to serve the pretty couple, for he deplored the +sad desertion of this beautiful women, and was delighted to know she +would be served as a queen should be--a rare thing. + +A month elapsed and everything was going on to the satisfaction of the +two friends, who worked the plans laid by the queen, in order to get +the government of Sicily into the hands of Pezare, to the detriment of +Montsoreau, whom the king loved for his great wisdom; but the queen +would not consent to have him, because he was so ungallant. Leufroid +dismissed the Duke of Cataneo, his principal follower, and put the +Chevalier Pezare in his place. The Venetian took no notice of his +friend the Frenchmen. Then Gauttier burst out, declaimed loudly +against the treachery and abused friendship of his former comrade, and +instantly earned the devotion of Cataneo and his friends, with whom he +made a compact to overthrow Pezare. Directly he was in office the +Venetian, who was a shrewd man, and well suited to govern states, +which was the usual employment of Venetian gentlemen, worked wonders +in Sicily, repaired the ports, brought merchants there by the +fertility of his inventions and by granting them facilities, put bread +into the mouths of hundreds of poor people, drew thither artisans of +all trades, because fetes were always being held, and also the idle +and rich from all quarters, even from the East. Thus harvests, the +products of the earth, and other commodities, were plentiful; and +galleys came from Asia, the which made the king much envied, and the +happiest king in the Christian world, because through these things his +Court was the most renowned in the countries of Europe. This fine +political aspect was the result of the perfect agreement of the two +men who thoroughly understood each other. The one looked after the +pleasures, and was himself the delight of the queen, whose face was +always bright and gay, because she was served according to the method +of Touraine, and became animated through excessive happiness; and he +also took care to keep the king amused, finding him every day new +mistresses, and casting him into a whirl of dissipation. The king was +much astonished at the good temper of the queen, whom, since the +arrival of the Sire de Montsoreau in the island, he had touched no +more than a Jew touches bacon. Thus occupied, the king and queen +abandoned the care of their kingdom to the other friend, who conducted +the affairs of government, ruled the establishment, managed the +finances, and looked to the army, and all exceedingly well, knowing +where money was to be made, enriching the treasury, and preparing all +the great enterprises above mentioned. + +The state of things lasted three years, some say four, but the monks +of Saint Benoist have not wormed out the date, which remains obscure, +like the reasons for the quarrel between the two friends. Probably the +Venetian had the high ambition to reign without any control or +dispute, and forgot the services which the Frenchman had rendered him. +Thus do the men who live in Courts behave, for, according to the +statements of the Messire Aristotle in his works, that which ages the +most rapidly in this world is a kindness, although extinguished love +is sometimes very rancid. Now, relying on the perfect friendship of +Leufroid, who called him his crony, and would have done anything for +him, the Venetian conceived the idea of getting rid of his friend by +revealing to the king the mystery of his cuckoldom, and showing him +the source of the queen's happiness, not doubting for a moment but +that he would commence by depriving Monsoreau of his head, according +to a practice common in Sicily under similar circumstances. By this +means Pezare would have all the money that he and Gauttier had +noiselessly conveyed to the house of a Lombard of Genoa, which money +was their joint property on account of their fraternity. This +treasure, increased on one side by the magnificent presents made to +Montsoreau by the queen, who had vast estates in Spain, and other, by +inheritance in Italy; on the other, by the king's gifts to his prime +minister, to whom he also gave certain rights over the merchants, and +other indulgences. The treacherous friend, having determined to break +his vow, took care to conceal his intention from Gauttier, because the +Touranian was an awkward man to tackle. + +One night that Pezare knew that the queen was in bed with her lover, +who loved him as though each night were a wedding one, so skilful was +she at the business, the traitor promised the king to let him take +evidence in the case, through a hole he had made in the wardrobe of +the Spanish lady, who always pretended to be at death's door. In order +to obtain a better view, Pezare waited until the sun had risen. The +Spanish lady, who was fleet of foot, had a quick eye and a sharp ear, +heard footsteps, peeped out, and perceiving the king, followed by the +Venetian, through a crossbar in the closet in which she slept the +night that the queen had her lover between two sheets, which is +certainly the best way to have a lover. She ran to warn the couple of +this betrayal. But the king's eye was already at the cursed hole, +Leufroid saw--what? + +That beautiful and divine lantern with burns so much oil and lights +the world--a lantern adorned with the most lovely baubles, flaming, +brilliantly, which he thought more lovely than all the others, because +he had lost sight of it for so long a time that it appeared quite new +to him; but the size of the hole prevented him seeing anything else +except the hand of a man, which modestly covered the lantern, and he +heard the voice of Montsoreau saying-- + +"How's the little treasure, this morning?" A playful expression, which +lovers used jokingly, because this lantern is in all countries the sun +of love, and for this the prettiest possible names are bestowed upon +it, whilst comparing it to the loveliest things in nature, such as my +pomegranate, my rose, my little shell, my hedgehog, my gulf of love, +my treasure, my master, my little one; some even dared most +heretically to say, my god! If you don't believe it, ask your friends. + +At this moment the lady let him understand by a gesture that the king +was there. + +"Can he hear?" said the queen. + +"Yes." + +"Can he see?" + +"Yes." + +"Who brought him?" + +"Pezare." + +"Fetch the physician, and get Gauttier into his own room." said the +queen. + +In less time than it takes a beggar to say "God bless you, sir!" the +queen had swathed the lantern in linen and paint, so that you would +have thought it a hideous wound in a state of grievous inflammation. +When the king, enraged by what he overheard, burst open the door, he +found the queen lying on the bed exactly as he has seen her through +the hole, and the physician, examining the lantern swathed in +bandages, and saying, "How it is the little treasure, this morning?" +in exactly the same voice as the king had heard. A jocular and +cheerful expression, because physicians and surgeons use cheerful +words with ladies and treat this sweet flower with flowery phrases. +This sight made the king look as foolish as a fox caught in a trap. +The queen sprang up, reddening with shame, and asking what man dared +to intrude upon her privacy at such a moment, but perceiving the king, +she said to him as follows:-- + +"Ah! my lord, you have discovered that which I have endeavoured to +conceal from you: that I am so badly treated by you that I am +afflicted with a burning ailment, of which my dignity would not allow +me to complain, but which needs secret dressing in order to assuage +the influence of the vital forces. To save my honour and your own, I +am compelled to come to my good Lady Miraflor, who consoles me in my +troubles." + +Then the physician commenced to treat Leufroid to an oration, +interlarded with Latin quotations and precious grains from +Hippocrates, Galen, the School of Salerno, and others, in which he +showed him how necessary to women was the proper cultivation of the +field of Venus, and that there was great danger of death to queens of +Spanish temperament, whose blood was excessively amorous. He delivered +himself of his arguments with great solemnity of feature, voice, and +manner, in order to give the Sire de Montsoreau time to get to bed. +Then the queen took the same text to preach the king a sermon as long +as his arm, and requested the loan of that limb, that the king might +conduct her to her apartment instead of the poor invalid, who usually +did so in order to avoid calumny. When they were in the gallery where +the Sire de Montsoreau resided, the queen said jokingly, "You should +play a good trick on this Frenchman, who I would wager is with some +lady, and not in his own room. All the ladies of Court are in love +with him, and there will be mischief some day through him. If you had +taken my advice he would not be in Sicily now." + +Leufroid went suddenly into Gauttier's room, whom he found in a deep +sleep, and snoring like a monk in Church. The queen returned with the +king, whom she took to her apartments, and whispered to one of the +guards to send to her the lord whose place Pezare occupied. Then, +while she fondled the king, taking breakfast with him, she took the +lord directly he came, into an adjoining room. + +"Erect a gallows on the bastion," said she, "then seize the knight +Pezare, and manage so that he is hanged instantly, without giving time +to write or say a single word on any subject whatsoever. Such is our +good pleasure and supreme command." + +Cataneo made no remark. While Pezare was thinking to himself that his +friend Gauttier would soon be minus his head, the Duke Cataneo came to +seize and lead him on to bastion, from which he could see at the +queen's window the Sire de Montsoreau in company with the king, the +queen, and the courtiers, and came to the conclusion that he who +looked after the queen had a better chance in everything than he who +looked after the king. + +"My dear," said the queen to her spouse, leading him to the window, +"behold a traitor, who was endeavouring to deprive you of that which +you hold dearest in the world, and I will give you the proofs when you +have the leisure to study them." + +Montsoreau, seeing the preparations for the final ceremony, threw +himself at the king's feet, to obtain the pardon of him who was his +mortal enemy, at which the king was much moved. + +"Sire de Monsoreau," said the queen, turning towards him with an angry +look, "are you so bold as to oppose our will and pleasure?" + +"You are a noble knight," said the king, "but you do not know how +bitter this Venetian was against you." + +Pezare was delicately strangled between the head and the shoulders, +for the queen revealed his treacheries to the king, proving to him, by +the declaration of a Lombard of the town, the enormous sums which +Pezare had in the bank of Genoa, the whole of which were given up to +Montsoreau. + +This noble and lovely queen died, as related in the history of Sicily, +that is, in consequence of a heavy labour, during which she gave birth +to a son, who was a man as great in himself as he was unfortunate in +his undertakings. The king believed the physician's statement, that +the said termination to this accouchement was caused by the too chaste +life the queen had led, and believing himself responsible for it, he +founded the Church of the Madonna, which is one of the finest in the +town of Palermo. The Sire de Monsoreau, who was a witness of the +king's remorse, told him that when a king got his wife from Spain, he +ought to know that this queen would require more attention than any +other, because the Spanish ladies were so lively that they equalled +ten ordinary women, and that if he wished a wife for show only, he +should get her from the north of Germany, where the women are as cold +as ice. The good knight came back to Touraine laden with wealth, and +lived there many years, but never mentioned his adventures in Sicily. +He returned there to aid the king's son in his principal attempt +against Naples, and left Italy when this sweet prince was wounded, as +is related in the Chronicle. + +Besides the high moralities contained in the title of this tale, where +it is said that fortune, being female, is always on the side of the +ladies, and that men are quite right to serve them well, it shows us +that silence is the better part of wisdom. Nevertheless, the monkish +author of this narrative seems to draw this other no less learned +moral therefrom, that interest which makes so many friendships, breaks +them also. But from these three versions you can choose the one that +best accords with your judgment and your momentary requirement. + + + + CONCERNING A POOR MAN WHO WAS CALLED LE VIEUX PAR-CHEMINS + +The old chronicler who furnished the hemp to weave the present story, +is said to have lived at the time when the affair occurred in the City +of Rouen. + +In the environs of this fair town, where at the time dwelt Duke +Richard, an old man used to beg, whose name was Tryballot, but to whom +was given the nickname of Le Vieux par-Chemins, or the Old Man of the +Roads; not because he was yellow and dry as vellum, but because he was +always in the high-ways and by-ways--up hill and down dale--slept with +the sky for his counterpane, and went about in rags and tatters. +Notwithstanding this, he was very popular in the duchy, where everyone +had grown used to him, so much so that if the month went by without +anyone seeing his cup held towards them, people would say, "Where is +the old man?" and the usual answer was, "On the roads." + +This said man had had for a father a Tryballot, who was in his +lifetime a skilled artisan, so economical and careful, that he left +considerable wealth to his son. + +But the young lad soon frittered it away, for he was the very opposite +of the old fellow, who, returning from the fields to his house, picked +up, now here, now there, many a little stick of wood left right and +left, saying, conscientiously, that one should never come home empty +handed. Thus he warmed himself in the winter at the expense of the +careless; and he did well. Everyone recognised what a good example +this was for the country, since a year before his death no one left a +morsel of wood on the road; he had compelled the most dissipated to be +thrifty and orderly. But his son made ducks and drakes of everything, +and did not follow his wise example. The father had predicted the +thing. From the boy's earliest youth, when the good Tryballot set him +to watch the birds who came to eat the peas, beans, and the grain, and +to drive the thieves away, above all, the jays, who spoiled +everything, he would study their habits, and took delight in watching +with what grace they came and went, flew off loaded, and returned, +watching with a quick eye the snares and nets; and he would laugh +heartily at their cleverness in avoiding them. Tryballot senior went +into a passion when he found his grain considerably less in a measure. +But although he pulled his son's ears whenever he caught him idling +and trifling under a nut tree, the little rascal did not alter his +conduct, but continued to study the habits of the blackbirds, +sparrows, and other intelligent marauders. One day his father told him +that he would be wise to model himself after them, for that if he +continued this kind of life, he would be compelled in his old age like +them, to pilfer, and like them, would be pursued by justice. This came +true; for, as has before been stated, he dissipated in a few days the +crowns which his careful father had acquired in a life-time. He dealt +with men as he did with the sparrows, letting everyone put a hand in +his pocket, and contemplating the grace and polite demeanour of those +who assisted to empty it. The end of his wealth was thus soon reached. +When the devil had the empty money bag to himself, Tryballot did not +appear at all cut up, saying, that he "did not wish to damn himself +for this world's goods, and that he had studied philosophy in the +school of the birds." + +After having thoroughly enjoyed himself, of all his goods, there only +remained to him a goblet bought at Landict, and three dice, quite +sufficient furniture for drinking and gambling, so that he went about +without being encumbered, as are the great, with chariots, carpets, +dripping pans, and an infinite number of varlets. Tryballot wished to +see his good friends, but they no longer knew him, which fact gave him +leave no longer to recognise anyone. Seeing this, he determined to +choose a profession in which there was nothing to do and plenty to +gain. Thinking this over, he remembered the indulgences of the +blackbirds and the sparrows. Then the good Tryballot selected for his +profession that of begging money at people's houses, and pilfering. +From the first day, charitable people gave him something, and +Tryballot was content, finding the business good, without advance +money or bad debts; on the contrary, full of accommodation. He went +about it so heartily, that he was liked everywhere, and received a +thousand consolations refused to rich people. The good man watched the +peasants planting, sowing, reaping, and making harvest, and said to +himself, that they worked a little for him as well. He who had a pig +in his larder owed him a bit for it, without suspecting it. The man +who baked a loaf in his oven often baked it for Tryballot without +knowing it. He took nothing by force; on the contrary, people said to +him kindly, while making him a present, "Here Vieux par-Chemins, cheer +up, old fellow. How are you? Come, take this; the cat began it, you +can finish it." + +Vieux par-Chemins was at all the weddings, baptisms, and funerals, +because he went everywhere where there was, openly or secretly, +merriment and feasting. He religiously kept the statutes and canons of +his order--namely, to do nothing, because if he had been able to do +the smallest amount of work no one would ever give anything again. +After having refreshed himself, this wise man would lay full length in +a ditch, or against a church wall, and think over public affairs; and +then he would philosophise, like his pretty tutors, the blackbirds, +jays, and sparrows, and thought a great deal while mumping; for, +because his apparel was poor, was that a reason his understanding +should not be rich? His philosophy amused his clients, to whom he +would repeat, by way of thanks, the finest aphorisms of his science. +According to him, suppers produced gout in the rich: he boasted that +he had nimble feet, because his shoemaker gave him boots that do not +pinch his corns. There were aching heads beneath diadems, but his +never ached, because it was touched neither by luxury nor any other +chaplet. And again, that jewelled rings hinder the circulation of the +blood. Although he covered himself with sores, after the manner of +cadgers, you may be sure he was as sound as a child at the baptismal +font. + +The good man disported himself with other rogues, playing with his +three dice, which he kept to remind him to spend his coppers, in order +that he might always be poor. In spite of his vow, he was, like all +the order of mendicants, so wealthy that one day at the Paschal feast, +another beggar wishing to rent his profit from him, Vieux par-Chemins +refused ten crowns for it; in fact, the same evening he spent fourteen +crowns in drinking the health of the alms-givers, because it is the +statutes of beggary that one should show one's gratitude to donors. +Although he carefully got rid of that of which had been a source of +anxiety to others, who, having too much wealth went in search of +poverty, he was happier with nothing in the world than when he had his +father's money. And seeing what are the conditions of nobility, he was +always on the high road to it, because he did nothing except according +to his fancy, and lived nobly without labour. Thirty crowns would not +have got him out of a bed when he was in it. The morrow always dawned +for him as it did for others, while leading this happy life; which, +according to the statements of Plato, whose authority has more than +once been invoked in these narratives, certain ancient sages had led +before him. At last, Vieux par-Chemins reached the age of eighty-two +years, having never been a single day without picking up money, and +possessed the healthiest colour and complexion imaginable. He believed +that if he had persevered in the race for wealth he would have been +spoiled and buried years before. It is possible he was right. + +In his early youth Vieux par-Chemins had the illustrious virtue of +being very partial to the ladies; and his abundance of love was, it is +said, the result of his studies among the sparrows. Thus it was that +he was always ready to give the ladies his assistance in counting the +joists, and this generosity finds its physical cause in the fact that, +having nothing to do, he was always ready to do something. His secret +virtues brought about, it is said, that popularity which he enjoyed in +the provinces. Certain people say that the lady of Chaumont had him in +her castle, to learn the truth about these qualities, and kept him +there for a week, to prevent him begging. But the good man jumped over +the hedges and fled in great terror of being rich. Advancing in age, +this great quintessencer found himself disdained, although his notable +faculties of loving were in no way impaired. This unjust turning away +on the part of the female tribe caused the first trouble of Vieux +par-Chemins, and the celebrated trial of Rouen, to which it is time I +came. + +In this eighty-second year of his age he was compelled to remain +continent for about seven months, during which time he met no woman +kindly disposed towards him; and he declared before the judge that +that had caused the greatest astonishment of his long and honourable +life. In this most pitiable state he saw in the fields during the +merry month of May a girl, who by chance was a maiden, and minding +cows. The heat was so excessive that this cowherdess had stretched +herself beneath the shadow of a beech tree, her face to the ground, +after the custom of people who labour in the fields, in order to get a +little nap while her animals were grazing. She was awakened by the +deed of the old man, who had stolen from her that which a poor girl +could only lose once. Finding herself ruined without receiving from +the process either knowledge or pleasure, she cried out so loudly that +the people working in the fields ran to her, and were called upon by +her as witnesses, at the time when that destruction was visible in her +which is appropriate only to a bridal night. She cried and groaned, +saying that the old ape might just as well have played his tricks on +her mother, who would have said nothing. + +He made answer to the peasants, who had already raised their hoes to +kill him, that he had been compelled to enjoy himself. These people +objected that a man can enjoy himself very well without enjoying a +maiden--a case for the provost, which would bring him straight to the +gallows; and he was taken with great clamour to the jail of Rouen. + +The girl, interrogated by the provost, declared that she was sleeping +in order to do something, and that she thought she was dreaming of her +lover, with whom she was then at loggerheads, because before marriage +he wished to take certain liberties: and jokingly, in this dream she +let him reconnoiter to a certain extent, in order to avoid any dispute +afterwards, and that in spite of her prohibitions he went further than +she had given him leave to go, and finding more pain than pleasure in +the affair, she had been awakened by Vieux par-Chemins, who had +attacked her as a gray-friar would a ham at the end of lent. + +This trial caused so great a commotion in the town of Rouen that the +provost was sent for by the duke, who had an intense desire to know if +the thing were true. Upon the affirmation of the provost, he ordered +Vieux par-Chemins to be brought to his palace, in order that he might +hear what defence he had to make. The poor old fellow appeared before +the prince, and informed him naively of the misfortune which his +impulsive nature brought upon him, declaring that he was like a young +fellow impelled by imperious desires; that up to the present year he +had sweethearts of his own, but for the last eight months he had been +a total abstainer; that he was too poor to find favour with the girls +of the town; that honest women who once were charitable to him, had +taken a dislike to his hair, which had feloniously turned white in +spite of the green youth of his love, and that he felt compelled to +avail himself of the chance when he saw this maiden, who, stretched at +full length under the beech tree, left visible the lining of her dress +and two hemispheres, white as snow, which had deprived him of reason; +that the fault was the girl's and not his, because young maidens +should be forbidden to entice passers-by by showing them that which +caused Venus to be named Callipyge; finally the prince ought to be +aware what trouble a man had to control himself at the hour of noon, +because that was the time of day at which King David was smitten with +the wife of the Sieur Uriah, that where a Hebrew king, beloved of God, +had succumbed, a poor man, deprived of all joy, and reduced to begging +for his bread, could not expect to escape; that for that matter of +that, he was quite willing to sing psalms for the remainder of his +days, and play upon a lute by way of penance, in imitation of the said +king, who had had the misfortune to slay a husband, while he had only +done a trifling injury to a peasant girl. The duke listened to the +arguments of Vieux par-Chemins, and said that he was a man of good +parts. Then he made his memorable decree, that if, as this beggar +declared, he had need of such gratification at his age he gave +permission to prove it at the foot of the ladder which he would have +to mount to be hanged, according to the sentence already passed on him +by the provost; that if then, the rope being round his neck, between +the priest and the hangman, a like desire seized him he should have a +free pardon. + +This decree becoming known, there was a tremendous crowd to see the +old fellow led to the gallows. There was a line drawn up as if for a +ducal entry, and in it many more bonnets than hats. Vieux par-Chemins +was saved by a lady curious to see how this precious violator would +finish his career. She told the duke that religion demanded that he +should have a fair chance. And she dressed herself as if for a ball; +she brought intentionally into evidence two hillocks of such snowy +whiteness that the whitest linen neckerchief would have paled before +them; indeed, these fruits of love stood out, without a wrinkle, over +her corset, like two beautiful apples, and made one's mouth water, so +exquisite were they. This noble lady, who was one of those who rouse +one's manhood, had a smile ready on her lips for the old fellow. Vieux +par-Chemins, dressed in garments of coarse cloth, more certain of +being in the desired state after hanging than before it, came along +between the officers of justice with a sad countenance, glancing now +here and there, and seeing nothing but head-dresses; and he would he +declared, have given a hundred crowns for a girl tucked up as was the +cowherdess, whose charms, though they had been his ruin, he still +remembered, and they might still have saved him; but, as he was old, +the remembrance was not sufficiently recent. But when, at the foot of +the ladder, he saw the twin charms of the lady, and the pretty delta +that their confluent rotundities produced, the sight so much excited +him that his emotion was patent to the spectators. + +"Make haste and see that the required conditions are fulfilled," said +he to the officers. "I have gained my pardon but I cannot answer for +my saviour." + +The lady was well pleased with this homage, which, she said, was +greater than his offence. The guards, whose business it was to proceed +to a verification, believed the culprit to be the devil, because never +in their wits had they seen an "I" so perpendicular as was the old +man. He was marched in triumph through the town to the palace of the +duke, to whom the guards and others stated the facts. In that period +of ignorance, this affair was thought so much of that the town voted +the erection of a column on the spot where the old fellow gained his +pardon, and he was portrayed thereon in stone in the attitude he +assumed at the sight of that honest and virtuous lady. The statue was +still to be seen when Rouen was taken by the English, and the writers +of the period have included this history among the notable events of +the reign. + +As the town offered to supply the old man with all he required, and +see to his sustenance, clothing, and amusements, the good duke +arranged matters by giving the injured maiden a thousand crowns and +marrying her to her seducer, who then lost his name of Vieux +par-Chemins. He was named by the duke the Sieur de Bonne-C------. +This wife was confined nine months afterwards of a perfectly formed +male child, alive and kicking, and born with two teeth. From this +marriage came the house of Bonne-C------, who from motives modest but +wrong, besought our well-beloved King Louis Eleventh to grant them +letters patent to change their names into that of Bonne-Chose. The +king pointed out to the Sieur de Bonne-C------ that there was in the +state of Venice an illustrious family named Coglioni, who wore three +"C------ au natural" on their coat of arms. The gentlemen of the House +of Bonne-C------ stated to the king that their wives were ashamed to +be thus called in public assemblies; the king answered that they would +lose a great deal, because there is a great deal in a name. +Nevertheless, he granted the letters. After that this race was known +by this name, and founded families in many provinces. The first Sieur +de Bonne-C------ lived another 27 years, and had another son and two +daughters. But he grieved much at becoming rich, and no longer being +able to pick up a living in the street. + +From this you can obtain finer lessons and higher morals than from any +story you will read all your life long--of course excepting these +hundred glorious Droll Tales--namely, that never could adventure of +this sort have happened to the impaired and ruined constitutions of +court rascals, rich people and others who dig their graves with their +teeth by over-eating and drinking many wines that impair the +implements of happiness; which said over-fed people were lolling +luxuriously in costly draperies and on feather beds, while the Sieur +de Bonne-Chose was roughing it. In a similar situation, if they had +eaten cabbage, it would have given them the diarrhoea. This may incite +many of those who read this story to change their mode of life, in +order to imitate Vieux par-Chemins in his old age. + + + + ODD SAYINGS OF THREE PILGRIMS + +When the pope left his good town of Avignon to take up his residence +in Rome, certain pilgrims were thrown out who had set out for this +country, and would have to pass the high Alps, in order to gain this +said town of Rome, where they were going to seek the _remittimus_ of +various sins. Then were to be seen on the roads, and the hostelries, +those who wore the order of Cain, otherwise the flower of the +penitents, all wicked fellows, burdened with leprous souls, which +thirsted to bathe in the papal piscina, and all carrying with them +gold or precious things to purchase absolution, pay for their beds, +and present to the saints. You may be sure that those who drank water +going, on their return, if the landlords gave them water, wished it to +be the holy water of the cellar. + +At this time the three pilgrims came to this said Avignon to their +injury, seeing that it was widowed of the pope. While they were +passing the Rhodane, to reach the Mediterranean coast, one of the +three pilgrims, who had with him a son about 10 years of age, parted +company with the others, and near the town of Milan suddenly appeared +again, but without the boy. Now in the evening, at supper, they had a +hearty feast in order to celebrate the return of the pilgrim, who they +thought had become disgusted with penitence through the pope not being +in Avignon. Of these three roamers to Rome, one had come from the city +of Paris, the other from Germany, and the third, who doubtless wished +to instruct his son on the journey, had his home in the duchy of +Burgundy, in which he had certain fiefs, and was a younger son of the +house of Villers-la-Faye (Villa in Fago), and was named La Vaugrenand. +The German baron had met the citizen of Paris just past Lyons, and +both had accosted the Sire de la Vaugrenand in sight of Avignon. + +Now in this hostelry the three pilgrims loosened their tongues, and +agreed to journey to Rome together, in order the better to resist the +foot pads, the night-birds, and other malefactors, who made it their +business to ease pilgrims of that which weighed upon their bodies +before the pope eased them of that which weighed upon their +consciences. After drinking the three companions commenced to talk +together, for the bottle is the key of conversation, and each made +this confession--that the cause of his pilgrimage was a woman. The +servant who watched their drinking, told them that of a hundred +pilgrims who stopped in the locality, ninety-nine were travelling from +the same thing. These three wise men then began to consider how +pernicious is woman to man. The Baron showed the heavy gold chain that +he had in his hauberk to present to Saint Peter, and said his crime +was such that he would not get rid of with the value of two such +chains. The Parisian took off his glove, and exposed a ring set with a +white diamond, saying that he had a hundred like it for the pope. The +Burgundian took off his hat, and exhibited two wonderful pearls, that +were beautiful ear-pendants for Notre-Dame-de-Lorette, and candidly +confessed that he would rather have left them round his wife's neck. + +Thereupon the servant exclaimed that their sins must have been as +great as those of Visconti. + +Then the pilgrims replied that they were such that they had made a +solemn vow in their minds never to go astray again during the +remainder of their days, however beautiful the woman might be, and +this in addition to the penance which the pope might impose upon them. + +Then the servant expressed her astonishment that all had made the same +vow. The Burgundian added, that this vow had been the cause of his +lagging behind, because he had been in extreme fear that his son, in +spite of his age, might go astray, and that he had made a vow to +prevent people and beasts alike gratifying their passions in his +house, or upon his estates. The baron having inquired the particulars +of the adventure, the sire narrated the affair as follows:-- + +"You know that the good Countess Jeane d'Avignon made formerly a law +for the harlots, who she compelled to live in the outskirts of the +town in houses with window-shutters painted red and closed. Now +passing in my company in this vile neighbourhood, my lad remarked +these houses with closed window-shutters, painted red, and his +curiosity being aroused--for these ten-year old little devils have +eyes for everything--he pulled me by the sleeve and kept on pulling +until he had learnt from me what these houses were. Then, to obtain +peace, I told him that young lads had nothing to do with such places, +and could only enter them at the peril of their lives, because it was +a place where men and women were manufactured, and the danger was such +for anyone unacquainted with the business that if a novice entered, +flying chancres and other wild beasts would seize upon his face. Fear +seized the lad, who then followed me to the hostelry in a state of +agitation, and not daring to cast his eyes upon the said bordels. +While I was in the stable, seeing to the putting up of the horses, my +son went off like a robber, and the servant was unable to tell me what +had become of him. Then I was in great fear of the wenches, but had +confidence in the laws, which forbade them to admit such children. At +supper-time the rascal came back to me looking no more ashamed of +himself than did our divine Saviour in the temple among the doctors. + +"'Whence comes you?' said I to him. + +"'From the houses with the red shutters,' he replied. + +"'Little blackguard,' said I, 'I'll give you a taste of the whip.' + +"Then he began to moan and cry. I told him that if he would confess +all that had happened to him I would let him off the beating. + +"'Ha,' said he, 'I took care not to go in, because of the flying +chancres and other wild beasts. I only looked through the chinks of +the windows, in order to see how men were manufactured.' + +"'And what did you see?' I asked. + +"'I saw,' said he, 'a fine woman just being finished, because she only +wanted one peg, which a young worker was fitting in with energy. +Directly she was finished she turned round, spoke to, and kissed her +manufacturer.' + +"'Have your supper,' said I; and the same night I returned into +Burgundy, and left him with his mother, being sorely afraid that at +the first town he might want to fit a peg into some girl." + +"These children often make these sort of answers," said the Parisian. +"One of my neighbour's children revealed the cuckoldom of his father +by a reply. One day I asked, to see if he was well instructed at +school in religious matters, 'What is hope?' 'One of the king's big +archers, who comes here when father goes out,' said he. Indeed, the +sergeant of the Archers was named Hope. My friend was dumbfounded at +this, and, although to keep his countenance he looked in the mirror, +he could not see his horns there." + +The baron observed that the boy's remark was good in this way: that +Hope is a person who comes to bed with us when the realities of life +are out of the way. + +"Is a cuckold made in the image of God?" asked the Burgundian. + +"No," said the Parisian, "because God was wise in this respect, that +he took no wife; therefore is He happy through all eternity." + +"But," said the maid-servant, "cuckolds are made in the image of God +before they are horned." + +Then the three pilgrims began to curse women, saying that they were +the cause of all the evils in the world. + +"Their heads are as empty as helmets," said the Burgundian. + +"Their hearts are as straight as bill-hooks," said the Parisian. + +"Why are there so many men pilgrims and so few women pilgrims?" said +the German baron. + +"Their cursed member never sins," replied the Parisian; "it knows +neither father nor mother, the commandments of God, nor those of the +Church, neither laws divine or human: their member knows no doctrine, +understands no heresies, and cannot be blamed; it is innocent of all, +and always on the laugh; its understanding is nil; and for this reason +do I hold it in utter detestation." + +"I also," said the Burgundian, "and I begin to understand the +different reading by a learned man of the verses of the Bible, in +which the account of the creation is given. In this Commentary, which +in my country we call a Noel, lies the reason of imperfection of this +feature of women, of which, different to that of other females, no man +can slake the thirst, such diabolical heat existing there. In this +Noel is stated that the Lord God, having turned his head to look at a +donkey, who had brayed for the first time in his Paradise, while he +was manufacturing Eve, the devil seized this moment to put his finger +into this divine creature, and made a warm wound, which the Lord took +care to close with a stitch, from which comes the maid. By means of +this frenum, the woman should remain closed, and children be made in +the same manner in which God made the angels, by a pleasure far above +carnal pleasure as the heaven is above the earth. Observing this +closing, the devil, wild at being done, pinched the Sieur Adam, who +was asleep, by the skin, and stretched a portion of it out in +imitation of his diabolical tail; but as the father of man was on his +back this appendage came out in front. Thus these two productions of +the devil had the desire to reunite themselves, following the law of +similarities which God had laid down for the conduct of the world. +From this came the first sin and the sorrows of the human race, +because God, noticing the devil's work, determined to see what would +come of it." + +The servant declared that they were quite correct in the statements, +for that woman was a bad animal, and that she herself knew some who +were better under the ground than on it. The pilgrims, noticing then +how pretty the girl was, were afraid of breaking their vows, and went +straight to bed. The girl went and told her mistress she was +harbouring infidels, and told her what they had said about women. + +"Ah!" said the landlady, "what matters it to me the thoughts my +customers have in their brains, so long as their purses are well +filled." + +And when the servant had told of the jewels, she exclaimed-- + +"Ah, these are questions which concern all women. Let us go and reason +with them. I'll take the nobles, you can have the citizen." + +The landlady, who was the most shameless inhabitant of the duchy of +Milan, went into the chamber where the Sire de La Vaugrenand and the +German baron were sleeping, and congratulated them upon their vows, +saying that the women would not lose much by them; but to accomplish +these said vows it was necessary they should endeavour to withstand +the strongest temptations. Then she offered to lie down beside them, +so anxious were she to see if she would be left unmolested, a thing +which had never happened to her yet in the company of a man. + +On the morrow, at breakfast, the servant had the ring on her finger, +her mistress had the gold chain and the pearl earrings. The three +pilgrims stayed in the town about a month, spending there all the +money they had in their purses, and agreed that if they had spoken so +severely of women it was because they had not known those of Milan. + +On his return to Germany the Baron made this observation: that he was +only guilty of one sin, that of being in his castle. The Citizen of +Paris came back full of stories for his wife, and found her full of +Hope. The Burgundian saw Madame de La Vaugrenand so troubled that he +nearly died of the consolations he administered to her, in spite of +his former opinions. This teaches us to hold our tongues in +hostelries. + + + + INNOCENCE + +By the double crest of my fowl, and by the rose lining of my +sweetheart's slipper! By all the horns of well-beloved cuckolds, and +by the virtue of their blessed wives! the finest work of man is +neither poetry, nor painted pictures, nor music, nor castles, nor +statues, be they carved never so well, nor rowing, nor sailing +galleys, but children. + +Understand me, children up to the age of ten years, for after that +they become men or women, and cutting their wisdom teeth, are not +worth what they cost; the worst are the best. Watch them playing, +prettily and innocently, with slippers; above all, cancellated ones, +with the household utensils, leaving that which displeases them, +crying after that which pleases them, munching the sweets and +confectionery in the house, nibbling at the stores, and always +laughing as soon as their teeth are cut, and you will agree with me +that they are in every way lovable; besides which they are flower and +fruit--the fruit of love, the flower of life. Before their minds have +been unsettled by the disturbances of life, there is nothing in this +world more blessed or more pleasant than their sayings, which are +naive beyond description. This is as true as the double chewing +machine of a cow. Do not expect a man to be innocent after the manner +of children, because there is an, I know not what, ingredient of +reason in the naivety of a man, while the naivety of children is +candid, immaculate, and has all the finesse of the mother, which is +plainly proved in this tale. + +Queen Catherine was at that time Dauphine, and to make herself welcome +to the king, her father-in-law, who at that time was very ill indeed, +presented him, from time to time, with Italian pictures, knowing that +he liked them much, being a friend of the Sieur Raphael d'Urbin and of +the Sieurs Primatice and Leonardo da Vinci, to whom he sent large sums +of money. She obtained from her family--who had the pick of these +works, because at that time the Duke of the Medicis governed Tuscany +--a precious picture, painted by a Venetian named Titian (artist to +the Emperor Charles, and in very high flavour), in which there were +portraits of Adam and Eve at the moment when God left them to wander +about the terrestrial Paradise, and were painted their full height, in +the costume of the period, in which it is difficult to make a mistake, +because they were attired in their ignorance, and caparisoned with the +divine grace which enveloped them--a difficult thing to execute on +account of the colour, but one in which the said Sieur Titian +excelled. The picture was put into the room of the poor king, who was +then ill with the disease of which he eventually died. It had a great +success at the Court of France, where everyone wished to see it; but +no one was able to until after the king's death, since at his desire +it was allowed to remain in his room as long as he lived. + +One day Madame Catherine took with her to the king's room her son +Francis and little Margot, who began to talk at random, as children +will. Now here, now there, these children had heard this picture of +Adam and Eve spoken about, and had tormented their mother to take them +there. Since the two little ones at times amused the old king, Madame +the Dauphine consented to their request. + +"You wished to see Adam and Eve, who were our first parents; there +they are," said she. + +Then she left them in great astonishment before Titian's picture, and +seated herself by the bedside of the king, who delighted to watch the +children. + +"Which of the two is Adam?" said Francis, nudging his sister Margot's +elbow. + +"You silly!" replied she, "to know that, they would have to be +dressed!" + +This reply, which delighted the poor king and the mother, was +mentioned in a letter written in Florence by Queen Catherine. + +No writer having brought it to light, it will remain, like a sweet +flower, in a corner of these Tales, although it is no way droll, and +there is no other moral to be drawn from it except that to hear these +pretty speeches of infancy one must beget the children. + + + + THE FAIR IMPERIA MARRIED + +I +HOW MADAME IMPERIA WAS CAUGHT BY THE VERY NET SHE WAS +ACCUSTOMED TO SPREAD FOR HER LOVE-BIRDS + +The lovely lady Imperia, who gloriously opens these tales, because she +was the glory of her time, was compelled to come into the town of +Rome, after the holding of the council, for the cardinal of Ragusa +loved her more than his cardinal's hat, and wished to have her near +him. This rascal was so magnificent, that he presented her with the +beautiful palace that he had in the Papal capital. About this time she +had the misfortune to find herself in an interesting condition by this +cardinal. As everyone knows, this pregnancy finished with a fine +little daughter, concerning whom the Pope said jokingly that she +should be named Theodora, as if to say The Gift Of God. The girl was +thus named, and was exquisitely lovely. The cardinal left his +inheritance to this Theodora, whom the fair Imperia established in her +hotel, for she was flying from Rome as from a pernicious place, where +children were begotten, and where she had nearly spoiled her beautiful +figure, her celebrated perfections, lines of the body, curves of the +back, delicious breasts, and Serpentine charms which placed her as +much above the other women of Christendom as the Holy Father was above +all other Christians. But all her lovers knew that with the assistance +of eleven doctors of Padua, seven master surgeons of Pavia, and five +surgeons come from all parts, who assisted at her confinement, she was +preserved from all injury. Some go so far as to say that she gained +therein superfineness and whiteness of skin. A famous man, of the +school of Salerno, wrote a book on the subject, to show the value of a +confinement for the freshness, health, preservation, and beauty of +women. In this very learned book it was clearly proved to readers that +that which was beautiful to see in Imperia, was that which it was +permissible for lovers alone to behold; a rare case then, for she did +not disarrange her attire for the petty German princes whom she called +her margraves, burgraves, electors, and dukes, just as a captain ranks +his soldiers. + +Everyone knows that when she was eighteen years of age, the lovely +Theodora, to atone for her mother's gay life, wished to retire into +the bosom of the Church. With this idea she placed herself in the +hands of a cardinal, in order that he might instruct her in the duties +of the devout. This wicked shepherd found the lamb so magnificently +beautiful that he attempted to debauch her. Theodora instantly stabbed +herself with a stiletto, in order not to be contaminated by the +evil-minded priest. This adventure, which was consigned to the history +of the period, made a great commotion in Rome, and was deplored by +everyone, so much was the daughter of Imperia beloved. + +Then this noble courtesan, much afflicted, returned to Rome, there to +weep for her poor daughter. She set out in the thirty-ninth year of +her age, which was, according to some authors, the summer of her +magnificent beauty, because then she had obtained the acme of +perfection, like ripe fruit. Sorrow made her haughty and hard with +those who spoke to her of love, in order to dry her tears. The pope +himself visited her in her palace, and gave her certain words of +admonition. But she refused to be comforted, saying that she would +henceforth devote herself to God, because she had never yet been +satisfied by any man, although she had ardently desired it; and all of +them, even a little priest, whom she had adored like a saint's shrine, +had deceived her. God, she was sure, would not do so. + +This resolution disconcerted many, for she was the joy of a vast +number of lords. So that people ran about the streets of Rome crying +out, "Where is Madame Imperia? Is she going to deprive the world of +love?" Some of the ambassadors wrote to their masters on the subject. +The Emperor of the Romans was much cut up about it, because he had +loved her to distraction for eleven weeks; had left her only to go to +the wars, and loved her still as much as his most precious member, +which according to his own statement, was his eye, for that alone +embraced the whole of his dear Imperia. In this extremity the Pope +sent for a Spanish physician, and conducted him to the beautiful +creature, to whom he proved, by various arguments, adorned with Latin +and Greek quotations, that beauty is impaired by tears and +tribulation, and that through sorrow's door wrinkles step in. This +proposition, confirmed by the doctors of the Holy College in +controversy, had the effect of opening the doors of the palace that +same evening. The young cardinals, the foreign envoys, the wealthy +inhabitants, and the principal men of the town of Rome came, crowded +the rooms, and held a joyous festival; the common people made grand +illuminations, and thus the whole population celebrated the return of +the Queen of Pleasure to her occupation, for she was at that time the +presiding deity of Love. The experts in all the arts loved her much, +because she spent considerable sums of money improving the Church in +Rome, which contained poor Theodora's tomb, which was destroyed during +that pillage of Rome in which perished the traitorous constable of +Bourbon, for this holy maiden was placed therein in a massive coffin +of gold and silver, which the cursed soldiers were anxious to obtain. +The basilic cost, it is said, more than the pyramid erected by the +Lady Rhodepa, an Egyptian courtesan, eighteen hundred years before the +coming of our divine Saviour, which proves the antiquity of this +pleasant occupation, the extravagant prices which the wise Egyptians +paid for their pleasures, and how things deteriorate, seeing that now +for a trifle you can have a chemise full of female loveliness in the +Rue du Petit-Heulen, at Paris. Is it not abomination? + +Never had Madame Imperia appeared so lovely as at this first gala +after her mourning. All the princes, cardinals, and others declared +that she was worthy the homage of the whole world, which was there +represented by a noble from every known land, and thus was it amply +demonstrated that beauty was in every place queen of everything. + +The envoy of the King of France, who was a cadet of the house of l'Ile +Adam, arrived late, although he had never yet seen Imperia, and was +most anxious to do so. He was a handsome young knight, much in favour +with his sovereign, in whose court he had a mistress, whom he loved +with infinite tenderness, and who was the daughter of Monsieur de +Montmorency, a lord whose domains bordered upon those of the house of +l'Ile Adam. To this penniless cadet the king had given certain +missions to the duchy of Milan, of which he had acquitted himself so +well that he was sent to Rome to advance the negotiations concerning +which historians have written so much in their books. Now if he had +nothing of his own, poor little l'Ile Adam relied upon so good a +beginning. He was slightly built, but upright as a column, dark, with +black, glistening eyes; and a man not easily taken in; but concealing +his finesse, he had the air of an innocent child, which made him +gentle and amiable as a laughing maiden. Directly this gentleman +joined her circle, and her eyes had rested upon him, Madame Imperia +felt herself bitten by a strong desire, which stretched the harp +strings of her nature, and produced therefrom a sound she had not +heard for many a day. She was seized with such a vertigo of true love +at the sight of this freshness of youth, that but for her imperial +dignity she would have kissed the good cheeks which shone like little +apples. + +Now take note of this; that so called modest women, and ladies whose +skirts bear their armorial bearings, are thoroughly ignorant of the +nature of man, because they keep to one alone, like the Queen of +France who believed all men had ulcers in the nose because the king +had; but a great courtesan, like Madame Imperia, knew man to his core, +because she had handled a great many. In her retreat, everyone came +out in his true colours, and concealed nothing, thinking to himself +that he would not be long with her. Having often deplored this +subjection, sometimes she would remark that she suffered from pleasure +more than she suffered from pain. There was the dark shadow of her +life. You may be sure that a lover was often compelled to part with a +nice little heap of crowns in order to pass the night with her, and +was reduced to desperation by a refusal. Now for her it was a joyful +thing to feel a youthful desire, like that she had for the little +priest, whose story commences this collection; but because she was +older than in those merry days, love was more fully established in +her, and she soon perceived that it was of a fiery nature when it +began to make itself felt; indeed, she suffered in her skin like a cat +that is being scorched, and so much so that she had an intense longing +to spring upon this gentleman, and bear him in triumph to her nest, as +a kite does its prey, but with great difficulty she restrained +herself. When he came and bowed to her, she threw back her head, and +assumed a most dignified attitude, as do those who have a love +infatuation in their hearts. The gravity of her demeanour to the young +ambassador caused many to think that she had work in store for him; +equivocating on the word, after the custom of the time. + +L'Ile Adam, knowing himself to be dearly loved by his mistress, +troubled himself but little about Madame Imperia, grave or gay, and +frisked about like a goat let loose. The courtesan, terribly annoyed +at this, changed her tone, from being sulky became gay and lively, +came to him, softened her voice, sharpened her glance, gracefully +inclined her head, rubbed against him with her sleeve, and called him +Monsiegneur, embraced him with the loving words, trifled with his +hand, and finished by smiling at him most affably. He, not imagining +that so unprofitable a lover would suit her, for he was as poor as a +church mouse, and did not know that his beauty was the equal in her +eyes to all the treasures of the world, was not taken in her trap, but +continued to ride the high horse with his hand on his hips. This +disdain of her passion irritated Madame to the heart, which by this +spark was set in flame. If you doubt this, it is because you know +nothing of the profession of the Madame Imperia, who by reason of it +might be compared to a chimney, in which a great number of fires have +been lighted, which had filled it with soot; in this state a match was +sufficient to burn everything there, where a hundred fagots has smoked +comfortably. She burned within from top to toe in a horrible manner, +and could not be extinguished save with the water of love. The cadet +of l'Ile Adam left the room without noticing this ardour. + +Madame, disconsolate at his departure, lost her senses from her head +to her feet, and so thoroughly that she sent a messenger to him on the +galleries, begging him to pass the night with her. On no other +occasion of her life had she had this cowardice, either for king, +pope, or emperor, since the high price of her favours came from the +bondage in which she held her admirers, whom the more she humbled the +more she raised herself. The disdainful hero of this history was +informed by the head chamber-women, who was a clever jade, that in all +probability a great treat awaited him, for most certainly Madame would +regale him with her most delicate inventions of love. L'Ile Adam +returned to the salons, delighted at this lucky chance. Directly the +envoy of France reappeared, as everyone had seen Imperia turn pale at +his departure, the general joy knew no bounds, because everyone was +delighted to see her return to her old life of love. An English +cardinal, who had drained more than one big-bellied flagon, and wished +to taste Imperia, went to l'Ile Adam and whispered to him, "Hold her +fast, so that she shall never again escape us." + +The story of this remark was told to the pope at his levee, and caused +him to remark, _Laetamini, gentes, quoniam surrexit Dominus_. A +quotation which the old cardinals abominated as a profanation of +sacred texts. Seeing which, the pope reprimanded them severely, and +took occasion to lecture them, telling them that if they were good +Christians they were bad politicians. Indeed, he relied upon the fair +Imperia to reclaim the emperor, and with this idea he syringed her +well with flattery. + +The lights of the palace being extinguished, the golden flagons on the +floor, and the servants drunk and stretched about on the carpets, +Madame entered her bedchamber, leading by the hand her dear +lover-elect; and she was well pleased, and has since confessed that so +strongly was she bitten with love, she could hardly restrain herself +from rolling at his feet like a beast of the field, begging him to +crush her beneath him if he could. L'Ile Adam slipped off his +garments, and tumbled into bed as if he were in his own house. Seeing +which, Madame hastened her preparations, and sprang into her lover's +arms with a frenzy that astonished her women, who knew her to be +ordinarily one of the most modest of women on these occasions. The +astonishment became general throughout the country, for the pair +remained in bed for nine days, eating, drinking, and embracing in a +marvellous and most masterly manner. Madame told her women that at +last she had placed her hand on a phoenix of love, since he revived +from every attack. Nothing was talked of in Rome and Italy but the +victory that had been gained over Imperia, who had boasted that she +would yield to no man, and spat upon all of them, even the dukes. As +to the aforesaid margraves and burgraves, she gave them the tail of +her dress to hold, and said that if she did not tread them under foot, +they would trample upon her. Madame confessed to her servants that, +differently to all other men she had had to put up with, the more she +fondled this child of love, the more she desired to do so, and that +she would never be able to part with him; nor his splendid eyes, which +blinded her; nor his branch of coral, that she always hungered after. +She further declared that if such were his desire, she would let him +suck her blood, eat her breasts--which were the most lovely in the +world--and cut her tresses, of which she had only given a single one +to the Emperor of the Romans, who kept it in his breast, like a +precious relic; finally, she confessed that on that night only had +life begun for her, because the embrace of Villiers de l'Ile Adam sent +the blood to her in three bounds and in a brace of shakes. + +These expressions becoming known, made everyone very miserable. +Directly she went out, Imperia told the ladies of Rome that she should +die it if she were deserted by this gentleman, and would cause +herself, like Queen Cleopatra, to be bitten by an asp. She declared +openly that she had bidden an eternal adieu her to her former gay +life, and would show the whole world what virtue was by abandoning her +empire for this Villiers de l'Ile Adam, whose servant she would rather +be than reign of Christendom. The English cardinal remonstrated with +the pope that this love for one, in the heart of a woman who was the +joy of all, was an infamous depravity, and that he ought with a brief +_in partibus_, to annul this marriage, which robbed the fashionable +world of its principal attraction. But the love of this poor woman, +who had confessed the miseries of her life, was so sweet a thing, and +so moved the most dissipated heart, that she silenced all clamour, and +everyone forgave her her happiness. One day, during Lent, Imperia made +her people fast, and ordered them to go and confess, and return to +God. She herself went and fell at the pope's feet, and there showed +such penitence, that she obtained from him remission of all her sins, +believing that the absolution of the pope would communicate to her +soul that virginity which she was grieved at being unable to offer her +lover. It is impossible to help thinking that there was some virtue in +the ecclesiastical piscina, for the poor cadet was so smothered with +love that he fancied himself in Paradise, and left the negotiations of +the King of France, left his love for Mademoiselle de Montmorency--in +fact, left everything to marry Madame Imperia, in order that he might +live and die with her. Such was the effect of the learned ways of this +great lady of pleasure directly she turned her science to the root of +a virtuous love. Imperia bade adieu to her admirers at a royal feast, +given in honour of her wedding, which was a wonderful ceremony, at +which all the Italian princes were present. She had, it is said, a +million gold crowns; in spite of the vastness of this sum, every one +far from blaming L'Ile Adam, paid him many compliments, because it was +evident that neither Madame Imperia nor her young husband thought of +anything but one. The pope blessed their marriage, and said that it +was a fine thing to see the foolish virgin returning to God by the +road of marriage. + +But during that last night in which it would be permissible for all to +behold the Queen of Beauty, who was about to become a simple +chatelaine of the kingdom of France, there were a great number of men +who mourned for the merry nights, the suppers, the masked balls, the +joyous games, and the melting hours, when each one emptied his heart +to her. Everyone regretted the ease and freedom which had always been +found in the residence of this lovely creature, who now appeared more +tempting than she had ever done in her life, for the fervid heat of +her great love made her glisten like a summer sun. Much did they +lament the fact that she had had the sad fantasy to become a +respectable woman. To these Madame de l'Ile Adam answered jestingly, +that after twenty-four years passed in the service of the public, she +had a right to retire. Others said to her, that however distant the +sun was, people could warm themselves in it, while she would show +herself no more. To these she replied that she would still have smiles +to bestow upon those lords who would come and see how she played the +role of a virtuous woman. To this the English envoy answered, he +believed her capable of pushing virtue to its extreme point. She gave +a present to each of her friends, and large sums to the poor and +suffering of Rome; besides this, she left to the convent where her +daughter was to have been, and to the church she had built, the wealth +she had inherited from Theodora, which came from the cardinal of +Ragusa. + +When the two spouses set out they were accompanied a long way by +knights in mourning, and even by the common people, who wished them +every happiness, because Madame Imperia had been hard on the rich +only, and had always been kind and gentle with the poor. This lovely +queen of love was hailed with acclamations throughout the journey in +all the towns of Italy where the report of her conversion had spread, +and where everyone was curious to see pass, a case so rare as two such +spouses. Several princes received this handsome couple at their +courts, saying it was but right to show honour to this woman who had +the courage to renounce her empire over the world of fashion, to +become a virtuous woman. But there was an evil-minded fellow, one my +lord Duke of Ferrara, who said to l'Ile Adam that his great fortune +had not cost him much. At this first offence Madame Imperia showed +what a good heart she had, for she gave up all the money she had +received from her lovers, to ornament the dome of St. Maria del Fiore, +in the town of Florence, which turned the laugh against the Sire +d'Este, who boasted that he had built a church in spite of the empty +condition of his purse. You may be sure he was reprimanded for this +joke by his brother the cardinal. + +The fair Imperia only kept her own wealth and that which the Emperor +had bestowed upon her out of pure friendship since his departure, the +amount of which was however, considerable. The cadet of l'Ile Adam had +a duel with the duke, in which he wounded him. Thus neither Madame de +l'Ile Adam, nor her husband could be in any way reproached. This piece +of chivalry caused her to be gloriously received in all places she +passed through, especially in Piedmont, where the fetes were splendid. +Verses which the poet then composed, such as sonnets, epithalamias, +and odes, have been given in certain collections; but all poetry was +weak in comparison with her, who was, according to an expression of +Monsieur Boccaccio, poetry herself. + +The prize in this tourney of fetes and gallantry must be awarded to +the good Emperor of the Romans, who, knowing of the misbehaviour of +the Duke of Ferrara, dispatched an envoy to his old flame, charged +with Latin manuscripts, in which he told her that he loved her so much +for herself, that he was delighted to know that she was happy, but +grieved to know that all her happiness was not derived from him; that +he had lost his right to make her presents, but that, if the king of +France received her coldly, he would think it an honour to acquire a +Villiers to the holy empire, and would give him such principalities as +he might choose from his domains. The fair Imperia replied that she +was extremely obliged to the Emperor, but that had she to suffer +contumely upon contumely in France, she still intended there to finish +her days. + + +II +HOW THIS MARRIAGE ENDED + +Not knowing if it she would be received or not, the lady of l'Ile Adam +would not go to court, but lived in the country, where her husband +made a fine establishment, purchasing the manor of +Beaumont-le-Vicomte, which gave rise to the equivoque upon his name, +made by our well-beloved Rabelais, in his most magnificent book. He +acquired also the domain of Nointel, the forest of Carenelle, St. +Martin, and other places in the neighbourhood of the l'Ile Adam, where +his brother Villiers resided. These said acquisitions made him the most +powerful lord in the l'Ile de France and county of Paris. He built a +wonderful castle near Beaumont, which was afterwards ruined by the +English, and adorned it with the furniture, foreign tapestries, chests, +pictures, statues, and curiosities, of his wife, who was a great +connoisseur, which made this place equal to the most magnificent +castles known. + +The happy pair led a life so envied by all, that nothing was talked +about in Paris and at Court but this marriage, the good fortune of the +Sire de Beaumont, and, above all, of the perfect, loyal, gracious, and +religious life of his wife, who from habit many still called Madame +Imperia; who was no longer proud and sharp as steel, but had the +virtues and qualities of a respectable woman, and was an example in +many things to a queen. She was much beloved by the Church on account +of her great religion, for she had never once forgotten God, having, +as she once said, spent much of her time with churchmen, abbots, +bishops, and cardinals, who had sprinkled her well with holy water, +and under the curtains worked her eternal salvation. + +The praises sung in honour of this lady had such an effect, that the +king came to Beauvoisis to gaze upon this wonder, and did the sire the +honour to sleep at Beaumont, remained there three days, and had a +royal hunt there with the queen and the whole Court. You may be sure +that he was surprised, as were also the queen, the ladies, and the +Court, at the manners of this superb creature, who was proclaimed a +lady of courtesy and beauty. The king first, then the queen, and +afterwards every individual member of the company, complemented l'Ile +Adam on having chosen such a wife. The modesty of the chatelaine did +more than pride would have accomplished; for she was invited to court, +and everywhere, so imperious was her great heart, so tyrannic her +violent love for her husband. You may be sure that her charms, hidden +under the garments of virtue, were none the less exquisite. The king +gave the vacant post of lieutenant of the Ile de France and provost of +Paris to his ancient ambassador, giving him the title of Viscount of +Beaumont, which established him as governor of the whole province, and +put him on an excellent footing at court. But this was the cause of a +great wound in Madame's heart, because a wretch, jealous of this +unclouded happiness, asked her, playfully, if Beaumont had ever spoken +to her of his first love, Mademoiselle de Montmorency, who at that +time was twenty-two years of age, as she was sixteen at the time the +marriage took place in Rome--the which young lady loved l'Ile Adam so +much that she remained a maiden, would listen to no proposals of +marriage, and was dying of a broken heart, unable to banish her +perfidious lover from her remembrance and was desirous of entering the +convent of Chelles. Madame Imperia, during the six years of her +marriage, had never heard this name, and was sure from this fact that +she was indeed beloved. You can imagine that this time had been passed +as a single day, that both believed that they had only been married +the evening before, and that each night was as a wedding night, and +that if business took the knight out of doors, he was quite +melancholy, being unwilling ever to have her out of his sight, and she +was the same with him. + +The king, who was very partial to the viscount, also made a remark to +him which stung him to the quick, when he said, "You have no +children?" + +To which Beaumont replied, with the face of a man whose raw place you +have touched with your finger, "Monsiegneur, my brother has; thus our +line is safe." + +Now it happened that his brother's two children died suddenly--one +from a fall from his horse at a tournament and the other from illness. +Monsieur l'Ile Adam the elder was so stricken with grief at these two +deaths that he expired soon after, so much did he love his two sons. +By this means the manor of Beaumont, the property at Carenelle, St. +Martin, Nointel, and the surrounding domains, were reunited to the +manor of l'Ile Adam, and the neighbouring forests, and the cadet +became the head of the house. At this time Madame was forty-five, and +was still fit to bear children; but alas! she conceived not. As soon +as she saw the lineage of l'Ile Adam destroyed, she was anxious to +obtain offspring. + +Now, as during the seven years which had elapsed she had never once +had the slightest hint of pregnancy, she believed, according to the +statement of a clever physician whom she sent for from Paris, that +this barrenness proceeded from the fact, that both she and her +husband, always more lovers than spouses, allowed pleasure to +interfere with business, and by this means engendering was prevented. +Then she endeavoured to restrain her impetuosity, and to take things +coolly, because the physician had explained to her that in a state of +nature animals never failed to breed, because the females employed +none of those artifices, tricks, and hanky-pankies with which women +accommodate the olives of Poissy, and for this reason they thoroughly +deserved the title of beasts. She promised him no longer to play with +such a serious affair, and to forget all the ingenious devices in +which she had been so fertile. But, alas! although she kept as quiet +as that German woman who lay so still that her husband embraced her to +death, and then went, poor baron, to obtain absolution from the pope, +who delivered his celebrated brief, in which he requested the ladies +of Franconia to be a little more lively, and prevent a repetition of +such a crime. Madame de l'Ile Adam did not conceive, and fell into a +state of great melancholy. + +Then she began to notice how thoughtful had become her husband, l'Ile +Adam, whom she watched when he thought she was not looking, and who +wept that he had no fruit of his great love. Soon this pair mingled +their tears, for everything was common to the two in this fine +household, and as they never left the other, the thought of the one +was necessarily the thought of the other. When Madame beheld a poor +person's child she nearly died of grief, and it took her a whole day +to recover. Seeing this great sorrow, l'Ile Adam ordered all children +to be kept out of his wife's sight, and said soothing things to her, +such as that children often turned out badly; to which she replied, +that a child made by those who loved so passionately would be the +finest child in the world. He told her that her sons might perish, +like those of his poor brother; to which she replied, that she would +not let them stir further from her petticoats than a hen allows her +chickens. In fact, she had an answer for everything. + +Madame caused a woman to be sent for who dealt in magic, and who was +supposed to be learned in these mysteries, who told her that she had +often seen women unable to conceive in spite of every effort, but yet +they had succeeded by studying the manners and customs of animals. +Madame took the beasts of the fields for her preceptors, but she did +not increase in size; her flesh still remained firm and white as +marble. She returned to the physical science of the master doctors of +Paris, and sent for a celebrated Arabian physician, who had just +arrived in France with a new science. Then this savant, brought up in +the school of one Sieur Averroes, entered into certain medical +details, and declared that the loose life she had formerly led had for +ever ruined her chance of obtaining offspring. The physical reasons +which he assigned were so contrary to the teaching of the holy books +which establish the majesty of man, made in the image of his creator, +and so contrary to the system upheld by sound sense and good doctrine, +that the doctors of Paris laughed them to scorn. The Arabian physician +left the school where his master, the Sieur Averroes, was unknown. + +The doctors told Madame, who had come to Paris, that she was to keep +on as usual, since she had had during her gay life the lovely +Theodora, by the cardinal of Ragusa, and that the right of having +children remained with women as long as their blood circulated, and +all that she had to do was to multiply the chances of conception. This +advice appeared to her so good that she multiplied her victories, but +it was only multiplying her defeats, since she obtained the flowers of +love without its fruits. + +The poor afflicted woman wrote then to the pope, who loved her much, +and told him of her sorrows. The good pope replied to her with a +gracious homily, written with his own hand, in which he told her that +when human science and things terrestrial had failed, we should turn +to Heaven and implore the grace of God. Then she determined to go with +naked feet, accompanied by her husband, to Notre Dame de Liesse, +celebrated for her intervention in similar cases, and made a vow to +build a magnificent cathedral in gratitude for the child. But she +bruised and injured her pretty feet, and conceived nothing but a +violent grief, which was so great that some of her lovely tresses fell +off and some turned white. + +At last the faculty of making children was taken from her, which +brought on the vapours consequent upon hypochondria, and caused her +skin to turn yellow. She was then forty-nine years of age, and lived +in her castle of l'Ile Adam, where she grew as thin as a leper in a +lazar-house. The poor creature was all the more wretched because l'Ile +Adam was still amorous, and as good as gold to her, who failed in her +duty, because she had formerly been too free with the men, and was +now, according to her own disdainful remark, only a cauldron to cook +chitterlings. + +"Ha!" said she, one evening when these thoughts were tormenting her. +"In spite of the Church, in spite of the king, in spite of everything, +Madame de l'Ile Adam is still the wicked Imperia!" + +She fell into a violent passion when she saw this handsome gentleman +have everything a man can desire, great wealth, royal favour, +unequalled love, matchless wife, pleasure such as none other could +produce, and yet fail in that which is dearest to the head of the +house--namely, lineage. With this idea in her head, she wished to die, +thinking how good and noble he had been to her, and how much she +failed in her duty in not giving him children, and in being +henceforward unable to do so. She hid her sorrow in the secret +recesses of her heart, and conceived a devotion worthy her great love. +To put into practice this heroic design she became still more amorous, +took extreme care of her charms, and made use of learned precepts to +maintain her bodily perfection, which threw out an incredible lustre. + +About this time the Sieur de Montmorency conquered the repulsion his +daughter entertained for marriage, and her alliance with one Sieur de +Chatillon was much talked about. Madame Imperia, who lived only three +leagues distant from Montmorency, one day sent her husband out hunting +in the forests, and set out towards the castle where the young lady +lived. Arrived in the grounds she walked about there, telling a +servant to inform her mistress that a lady had a most important +communication to make to her, and that she had come to request an +audience. Much interested by the account which she received by the +beauty, courtesy, and manners of the unknown lady, Mademoiselle de +Montmorency went in great haste into the gardens, and there met her +rival, whom she did not know. + +"My dear," said the poor woman, weeping to find the young maiden as +beautiful as herself, "I know that they are trying to force you into a +marriage with Monsieur de Chatillon, although you still love Monsieur +de l'Ile Adam. Have confidence in the prophecy that I here make you, +that he whom you have loved, and who only was false to you through a +snare into which an angel might have fallen, will be free from the +burden of his old wife before the leaves fall. Thus the constancy of +your love will have its crown of flowers. Now have the courage to +refuse this marriage they are arranging for you, and you may yet clasp +your first and only love. Pledge me your word to love and cherish +l'Ile Adam, who is the kindest of men; never to cause him a moment's +anguish, and tell him to reveal to you all the secrets of love +invented by Madame Imperia, because, in practicing them, being young, +you will be easily able to obliterate the remembrance of her from his +mind." + +Mademoiselle de Montmorency was so astonished that she could make no +answer, and let this queen of beauty depart, and believed her to be a +fairy, until a workman told her that the fairy was Madame de l'Ile +Adam. Although the adventure was inexplicable, she told her father +that she would not give her consent to the proposed marriage until +after the autumn, so much is it in the nature of Love to ally itself +with Hope, in spite of the bitter pills which this deceitful and +gracious, companion gives her to swallow like bull's eyes. During the +months when the grapes are gathered, Imperia would not let l'Ile Adam +leave her, and was so amorous that one would have imagined she wished +to kill him, since l'Ile Adam felt as though he had a fresh bride in +his arms every night. The next morning the good woman requested him to +keep the remembrance of these joys in his heart. + +Then, to know what her lover's real thoughts on the subject were she +said to him, "Poor l'Ile Adam, we were very silly to marry--a lad like +you, with your twenty-three years, and an old woman close to 40." + +He answered her, that his happiness was such that he was the envy of +every one, that at her age her equal did not exist among the younger +women, and that if ever she grew old he would love her wrinkles, +believing that even in the tomb she would be lovely, and her skeleton +lovable. + +To these answers, which brought the tears into her eyes, she one +morning answered maliciously, that Mademoiselle de Montmorency was +very lovely and very faithful. This speech forced l'Ile Adam to tell +her that she pained him by telling him of the only wrong he had ever +committed in his life--the breaking of the troth pledged to his first +sweetheart, all love for whom he had since effaced from his heart. +This candid speech made her seize him and clasp him to her heart, +affected at the loyalty of his discourse on a subject from which many +would have shrunk. + +"My dear love," said she, "for a long time past I have been suffering +from a retraction of the heart, which has always since my youth been +dangerous to my life, and in this opinion the Arabian physician +coincides. If I die, I wish you to make the most binding oath a knight +can make, to wed Mademoiselle Montmorency. I am so certain of dying, +that I leave my property to you only on condition that this marriage +takes place." + +Hearing this, l'Ile Adam turned pale, and felt faint at the mere +thought of an eternal separation from his good wife. + +"Yes, dear treasure of love," continued she. "I am punished by God +there where my sins were committed, for the great joys that I feel +dilate my heart, and have, according to the Arabian doctor, weakened +the vessels which in a moment of excitement will burst; but I have +always implored God to take my life at the age in which I now am, +because I would not see my charms marred by the ravages of time." + +This great and noble woman saw then how well she was beloved. This is +how she obtained the greatest sacrifice of love that ever was made +upon this earth. She alone knew what a charm existed in the embraces, +fondlings, and raptures of the conjugal bed, which were such that poor +l'Ile Adam would rather have died than allow himself to be deprived of +the amorous delicacies she knew so well how to prepare. At this +confession made by her that, in the excitement of love her heart would +burst, the chevalier cast himself at her knees, and declared that to +preserve her life he would never ask her for love, but would live +contented to see her only at his side, happy at being able to touch +but the hem of her garment. + +She replied, bursting into tears, "that she would rather die than lose +one iota of his love; that she would die as she had lived, since +luckily she could make a man embrace her when such was her desire +without having to put her request into words." + +Here it must be stated that the cardinal of Ragusa had given her as a +present an article, which this holy joker called _in articulo mortis_. +It was a tiny glass bottle, no bigger than a bean, made at Venice, and +containing a poison so subtle that by breaking it between the teeth +death came instantly and painlessly. He had received it from Signora +Tophana, the celebrated maker of poisons of the town of Rome. + +Now this tiny bottle was under the bezel of a ring, preserved from all +objects that could break it by certain plates of gold. Poor Imperia +put it into her mouth several times without being able to make up her +mind to bite it, so much pleasure did she take in the moment that she +believed to be her last. Then she would pass before her in mental +review all her methods of enjoyment before breaking the glass, and +determined that when she felt the most perfect of all joys she would +bite the bottle. + +The poor creature departed this life on the night on the first day of +October. Then was there heard a great clamour in the forests and in +the clouds, as if the loves had cried aloud, "The great Noc is dead!" +in imitation of the pagan gods who, at the coming of the Saviour of +men, fled into the skies, saying, "the great Pan is slain!" A cry +which was heard by some persons navigating the Eubean Sea, and +preserved by a Father of the Church. + +Madame Imperia died without being spoiled in shape, so much had God +made her the irreproachable model of a woman. She had, it was said, a +magnificent tint upon her flesh, caused by the proximity of the +flaming wings of Pleasure, who cried and groaned over her corpse. Her +husband mourned for her most bitterly, never suspecting that she had +died to deliver him from a childless wife, for the doctor who embalmed +her said not a word concerning the cause of her death. This great +sacrifice was discovered six years after marriage of l'Ile Adam with +Mademoiselle de Montmorency, because she told him all about the visit +of Madame Imperia. The poor gentleman immediately fell into a state of +great melancholy and finished by dying, being unable to banish the +remembrance of those joys of love which it was beyond the power of a +novice to restore to him; thereby did he prove the truth of that which +was said at that time, that this woman would never die in a heart +where she had once reigned. + +This teaches us that virtue is well understood by those who have +practised vice; for among the most modest women few would thus have +sacrificed life, in whatever high state of religion you look for them. + + + + EPILOGUE + +Oh! mad little one, thou whose business it is to make the house merry, +again hast thou been wallowing, in spite of a thousand prohibitions, +in that slough of melancholy, whence thou hast already fished out +Bertha, and come back with thy tresses dishevelled, like a girl who +has been ill-treated by a regiment of soldiers! Where are thy golden +aiglets and bells, thy filigree flowers of fantastic design? Where +hast thou left thy crimson head-dress, ornamented with precious +gewgaws that cost a minot of pearls? + +Why spoil with pernicious tears thy black eyes, so pleasant when +therein sparkles the wit of a tale, that popes pardon thee thy sayings +for the sake of thy merry laughter, feel their souls caught between +the ivory of thy teeth, have their hearts drawn by the rose point of +thy sweet tongue, and would barter the holy slipper for a hundred of +the smiles that hover round thy vermillion lips? Laughing lassie, if +thou wouldst remain always fresh and young, weep no more; think of +riding the brideless fleas, of bridling with the golden clouds thy +chameleon chimeras, of metamorphosing the realities of life into +figures clothed with the rainbow, caparisoned with roseate dreams, and +mantled with wings blue as the eyes of the partridge. By the Body and +the Blood, by the Censer and the Seal, by the Book and the Sword, by +the Rag and the Gold, by the Sound and the Colour, if thou does but +return once into that hovel of elegies where eunuchs find ugly women +for imbecile sultans, I'll curse thee; I'll rave at thee; I'll make +thee fast from roguery and love; I'll-- + +Phist! Here she is astride a sunbeam with a volume that is ready to +burst with merry meteors! She plays in their prisms, tearing about so +madly, so wildly, so boldly, so contrary to good sense, so contrary to +good manners, so contrary to everything, that one has to touch her +with long feathers, to follow her siren's tail in the golden facets +which trifle among the artifices of these new pearls of laughter. Ye +gods! but she is sporting herself in them like a hundred schoolboys in +a hedge full of blackberries, after vespers. To the devil with the +magister! The volume is finished! Out upon work! What ho! my jovial +friends; this way! + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Droll Stories, Volume 3, by Honoré de Balzac + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 3 *** + +***** This file should be named 2551-0.txt or 2551-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/5/2551/ + +Produced by John Bickers, Ian Hodgson, Dagny and Emma Dudding + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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\ No newline at end of file diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..08490fb --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #2551 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/2551) diff --git a/old/2551.txt b/old/2551.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7727ac3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2551.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5814 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Droll Stories, Volume 3, by Honore de Balzac + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Droll Stories, Volume 3 + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: August 23, 2004 [EBook #2551] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 3 *** + + + + +Produced by John Bickers, Ian Hodgson, Dagny and Emma Dudding + + + + + DROLL STORIES + + COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE + + VOLUME III + THE THIRD TEN TALES + + BY + + HONORE DE BALZAC + + + + + CONTENTS + +THE THIRD TEN TALES + +PROLOGUE +PERSEVERANCE IN LOVE +CONCERNING A PROVOST WHO DID NOT RECOGNISE THINGS +ABOUT THE MONK AMADOR, WHO WAS A GLORIOUS ABBOT OF TURPENAY +BERTHA THE PENITENT +HOW THE PRETTY MAID OF PORTILLON CONVINCED HER JUDGE +IN WHICH IT IS DEMONSTRATED THAT FORTUNE IS ALWAYS FEMININE +CONCERNING A POOR MAN WHO WAS CALLED LE VIEUX PAR-CHEMINS +ODD SAYINGS OF THREE PILGRIMS +INNOCENCE +THE FAIR IMPERIA MARRIED +EPILOGUE + + + + + THIRD TEN TALES + + + + PROLOGUE + +Certain persons have interrogated the author as to why there was such +a demand for these tales that no year passes without his giving an +instalment of them, and why he has lately taken to writing commas +mixed up with bad syllables, at which the ladies publicly knit their +brows, and have put to him other questions of a like character. + +The author declares that these treacherous words, cast like pebbles in +his path, have touched him in the very depths of his heart, and he is +sufficiently cognisant of his duty not to fail to give to his special +audience in this prologue certain reasons other than the preceding +ones, because it is always necessary to reason with children until +they are grown up, understand things, and hold their tongues; and +because he perceives many mischievous fellows among the crowd of noisy +people, who ignore at pleasure the real object of these volumes. + +In the first place know, that if certain virtuous ladies--I say +virtuous because common and low class women do not read these stories, +preferring those that are never published; on the contrary, other +citizens' wives and ladies, of high respectability and godliness, +although doubtless disgusted with the subject-matter, read them +piously to satisfy an evil spirit, and thus keep themselves virtuous. +Do you understand, my good reapers of horns? It is better to be +deceived by the tale of a book than cuckolded through the story of a +gentleman. You are saved the damage by this, poor fools! besides +which, often your lady becomes enamoured, is seized with fecund +agitations to your advantage, raised in her by the present book. +Therefore do these volumes assist to populate the land and maintain it +in mirth, honour and health. I say mirth, because much is to be +derived from these tales. I say honour, because you save your nest +from the claws of that youthful demon named cuckoldom in the language +of the Celts. I say health, because this book incites that which was +prescribed by the Church of Salerno, for the avoidance of cerebral +plethora. Can you derive a like proof in any other typographically +blackened portfolios? Ha! ha! where are the books that make children? +Think! Nowhere. But you will find a glut of children making books +which beget nothing but weariness. + +But to continue. Now be it known that when ladies, of a virtuous +nature and a talkative turn of mind, converse publicly on the subject +of these volumes, a great number of them, far from reprimanding the +author, confess that they like him very much, esteem him a valiant +man, worthy to be a monk in the Abbey of Theleme. For as many reasons +as there are stars in the heavens, he does not drop the style which he +has adopted in these said tales, but lets himself be vituperated, and +keeps steadily on his way, because noble France is a woman who refuses +to yield, crying, twisting about, and saying, + +"No, no, never! Oh, sir, what are you going to do? I won't let you; +you'd rumple me." + +And when the volume is done and finished, all smiles, she exclaims, + +"Oh, master, are there any more to come?" + +You may take it for granted that the author is a merry fellow, who +troubles himself little about the cries, tears and tricks of the lady +you call glory, fashion, or public favour, for he knows her to be a +wanton who would put up with any violence. He knows that in France her +war-cry is _Mount Joy_! A fine cry indeed, but one which certain +writers have disfigured, and which signifies, "Joy it is not of the +earth, it is there; seize it, otherwise good-bye." The author has this +interpretation from Rabelais, who told it to him. If you search +history, has France ever breathed a word when she was joyous mounted, +bravely mounted, passionately mounted, mounted and out of breath? She +goes furiously at everything, and likes this exercise better than +drinking. Now, do you not see that these volumes are French, joyfully +French, wildly French, French before, French behind, French to the +backbone. Back then, curs! strike up the music; silence, bigots! +advance my merry wags, my little pages, put your soft hands into the +ladies' hands and tickle them in the middle--of the hand of course. +Ha! ha! these are high sounding and peripatetic reasons, or the author +knows nothing of sound and the philosophy of Aristotle. He has on his +side the crown of France and the oriflamme of the king and Monsieur +St. Denis, who, having lost his head, said "Mount-my-Joy!" Do you mean +to say, you quadrupeds, that the word is wrong? No. It was certainly +heard by a great many people at the time; but in these days of deep +wretchedness you believe nothing concerning the good old saints. + +The author has not finished yet. Know all ye who read these tales with +eye and hand, feel them in the head alone, and love them for the joy +they bring you, and which goes to your heart, know that the author +having in an evil hour let his ideas, _id est_, his inheritance, go +astray, and being unable to get them together again, found himself in +a state of mental nudity. Then he cried like the woodcutter in the +prologue of the book of his dear master Rabelais, in order to make +himself heard by the gentleman on high, Lord Paramount of all things, +and obtain from Him fresh ideas. This said Most High, still busy with +the congress of the time, threw to him through Mercury an inkstand +with two cups, on which was engraved, after the manner of a motto, +these three letters, _Ave_. Then the poor fellow, perceiving no other +help, took great care to turn over this said inkstand to find out the +hidden meaning of it, thinking over the mysterious words and trying to +find a key to them. First, he saw that God was polite, like the great +Lord as He is, because the world is His, and He holds the title of it +from no one. But since, in thinking over the days of his youth, he +remembered no great service rendered to God, the author was in doubt +concerning this hollow civility, and pondered long without finding out +the real substance of the celestial utensil. By reason of turning it +and twisting it about, studying it, looking at it, feeling it, +emptying it, knocking it in an interrogatory manner, smacking it down, +standing it up straight, standing it on one side, and turning it +upside down, he read backwards _Eva_. Who is _Eva_, if not all women +in one? Therefore by the Voice Divine was it said to the author: + +Think of women; woman will heal thy wound, stop the waste-hole in thy +bag of tricks. Woman is thy wealth; have but one woman, dress, +undress, and fondle that women, make use of the woman--woman is +everything--woman has an inkstand of her own; dip thy pen in that +bottomless inkpot. Women like love; make love to her with the pen +only, tickle her phantasies, and sketch merrily for her a thousand +pictures of love in a thousand pretty ways. Woman is generous, and all +for one, or one for all, must pay the painter, and furnish the hairs +of the brush. Now, muse upon that which is written here. _Ave_, Hail, +_Eva_, woman; or _Eva_, woman, _Ave_, Hail. Yes, she makes and +unmakes. Heigh, then, for the inkstand! What does woman like best? +What does she desire? All the special things of love; and woman is +right. To have children, to produce an imitation, of nature, which is +always in labour. Come to me, then, woman!--come to me, Eva! + +With this the author began to dip into that fertile inkpot, where +there was a brain-fluid, concocted by virtues from on high in a +talismanic fashion. From one cup there came serious things, which +wrote themselves in brown ink; and from the other trifling things, +which merely gave a roseate hue to the pages of the manuscript. The +poor author has often, from carelessness, mixed the inks, now here, +now there; but as soon as the heavy sentences, difficult to smooth, +polish, and brighten up, of some work suitable to the taste of the day +are finished, the author, eager to amuse himself, in spite of the +small amount of merry ink remaining in the left cup, steals and bears +eagerly therefrom a few penfuls with great delight. These said penfuls +are, indeed, these same Droll Tales, the authority on which is above +suspicion, because it flows from a divine source, as is shown in this +the author's naive confession. + +Certain evil-disposed people will still cry out at this; but can you +find a man perfectly contented on this lump of mud? Is it not a shame? +In this the author has wisely comported himself in imitation of a +higher power; and he proves it by _atqui_. Listen. Is it not most +clearly demonstrated to the learned that the sovereign Lord of worlds +has made an infinite number of heavy, weighty, and serious machines +with great wheels, large chains, terrible notches, and frightfully +complicated screws and weights like the roasting jack, but also has +amused Himself with little trifles and grotesque things light as +zephyrs, and has made also naive and pleasant creations, at which you +laugh directly you see them? Is it not so? Then in all eccentric +works, such as the very spacious edifice undertaken by the author, in +order to model himself upon the laws of the above-named Lord, it is +necessary to fashion certain delicate flowers, pleasant insects, fine +dragons well twisted, imbricated, and coloured--nay, even gilt, +although he is often short of gold--and throw them at the feet of his +snow-clad mountains, piles of rocks, and other cloud-capped +philosophers, long and terrible works, marble columns, real thoughts +carved in porphyry. + +Ah! unclean beasts, who despise and repudiate the figures, phantasies, +harmonies, and roulades of the fair muse of drollery, will you not +pare your claws, so that you may never again scratch her white skin, +all azure with veins, her amorous reins, her flanks of surpassing +elegance, her feet that stay modestly in bed, her satin face, her +lustrous features, her heart devoid of bitterness? Ah! wooden-heads, +what will you say when you find that this merry lass springs from the +heart of France, agrees with all that is womanly in nature, has been +saluted with a polite _Ave_! by the angels in the person of their +spokesman, Mercury, and finally, is the clearest quintessence of Art. +In this work are to be met with necessity, virtue, whim, the desire of +a woman, the votive offering of a stout Pantagruelist, all are here. +Hold your peace, then, drink to the author, and let his inkstand with +the double cup endow the Gay Science with a hundred glorious Droll +Tales. + +Stand back then, curs; strike up the music! Silence, bigots; out of +the way, dunces! step forward my merry wags!--my little pages! give +your soft hand to the ladies, and tickle theirs in the centre in a +pretty manner, saying to them, "Read to laugh." Afterwards you can +tell them some mere jest to make them roar, since when they are +laughing their lips are apart, and they make but a faint resistance to +love. + + + + PERSEVERANCE IN LOVE + +During the first years of the thirteenth century after the coming of +our Divine Saviour there happened in the City of Paris an amorous +adventure, through the deed of a man of Tours, of which the town and +even the king's court was never tired of speaking. As to the clergy, +you will see by that which is related the part they played in this +history, the testimony of which was by them preserved. This said man, +called the Touranian by the common people, because he had been born in +our merry Touraine, had for his true name that of Anseau. In his +latter days the good man returned into his own country and was mayor +of St. Martin, according to the chronicles of the abbey of that town; +but at Paris he was a great silversmith. + +But now in his prime, by his great honesty, his labours, and so forth, +he became a citizen of Paris and subject of the king, whose protection +he bought, according to the custom of the period. He had a house built +for him free of all quit-rent, close the Church of St. Leu, in the Rue +St. Denis, where his forge was well-known by those in want of fine +jewels. Although he was a Touranian, and had plenty of spirit and +animation, he kept himself virtuous as a true saint, in spite of the +blandishments of the city, and had passed the days of his green season +without once dragging his good name through the mire. Many will say +this passes the bounds of that faculty of belief which God has placed +in us to aid that faith due to the mysteries of our holy religion; so +it is needful to demonstrate abundantly the secret cause of this +silversmith's chastity. And, first remember that he came into the town +on foot, poor as Job, according to the old saying; and unlike all the +inhabitants of our part of the country, who have but one passion, he +had a character of iron, and persevered in the path he had chosen as +steadily as a monk in vengeance. As a workman, he laboured from morn +to night; become a master, he laboured still, always learning new +secrets, seeking new receipts, and in seeking, meeting with inventions +of all kinds. Late idlers, watchmen, and vagrants saw always a modest +lamp shining through the silversmith's window, and the good man +tapping, sculpting, rounding, distilling, modeling, and finishing, +with his apprentices, his door closed and his ears open. Poverty +engendered hard work, hard work engendered his wonderful virtue, and +his virtue engendered his great wealth. Take this to heart, ye +children of Cain who eat doubloons and micturate water. If the good +silversmith felt himself possessed with wild desires, which now in one +way, now another, seize upon an unhappy bachelor when the devil tries +to get hold of him, making the sign of the cross, the Touranian +hammered away at his metal, drove out the rebellious spirits from his +brain by bending down over the exquisite works of art, little +engravings, figures of gold and silver forms, with which he appeased +the anger of his Venus. Add to this that this Touranian was an artless +man, of simple understanding, fearing God above all things, then +robbers, next to that of nobles, and more than all, a disturbance. +Although if he had two hands, he never did more than one thing at a +time. His voice was as gentle as that of a bridegroom before marriage. +Although the clergy, the military, and others gave him no reputation +for knowledge, he knew well his mother's Latin, and spoke it correctly +without waiting to be asked. Latterly the Parisians had taught him to +walk uprightly, not to beat the bush for others, to measure his +passions by the rule of his revenues, not to let them take his leather +to make other's shoes, to trust no one farther then he could see them, +never to say what he did, and always to do what he said; never to +spill anything but water; to have a better memory than flies usually +have; to keep his hands to himself, to do the same with his purse; to +avoid a crowd at the corner of a street, and sell his jewels for more +than they cost him; all things, the sage observance of which gave him +as much wisdom as he had need of to do business comfortably and +pleasantly. And so he did, without troubling anyone else. And watching +this good little man unobserved, many said, + +"By my faith, I should like to be this jeweller, even were I obliged +to splash myself up to the eyes with the mud of Paris during a hundred +years for it." + +They might just as well have wished to be king of France, seeing that +the silversmith had great powerful nervous arms, so wonderfully strong +that when he closed his fist the cleverest trick of the roughest +fellow could not open it; from which you may be sure that whatever he +got hold of he stuck to. More than this, he had teeth fit to masticate +iron, a stomach to dissolve it, a duodenum to digest it, a sphincter +to let it out again without tearing, and shoulders that would bear a +universe upon them, like that pagan gentleman to whom the job was +confided, and whom the timely arrival of Jesus Christ discharged from +the duty. He was, in fact, a man made with one stroke, and they are +the best, for those who have to be touched are worth nothing, being +patched up and finished at odd times. In short, Master Anseau was a +thorough man, with a lion's face, and under his eyebrows a glance that +would melt his gold if the fire of his forge had gone out, but a +limpid water placed in his eyes by the great Moderator of all things +tempered this great ardour, without which he would have burnt up +everything. Was he not a splendid specimen of a man? + +With such a sample of his cardinal virtues, some persist in asking why +the good silversmith remained as unmarried as an oyster, seeing that +these properties of nature are of good use in all places. But these +opinionated critics, do they know what it is to love? Ho! Ho! Easy! +The vocation of a lover is to go, to come, to listen, to watch, to +hold his tongue, to talk, to stick in a corner, to make himself big, +to make himself little, to agree, to play music, to drudge, to go to +the devil wherever he may be, to count the gray peas in the dovecote, +to find flowers under the snow, to say paternosters to the moon, to +pat the cat and pat the dog, to salute the friends, to flatter the +gout, or the cold of the aunt, to say to her at opportune moments "You +have good looks, and will yet write the epitaph of the human race." To +please all the relations, to tread on no one's corns, to break no +glasses, to waste no breath, to talk nonsense, to hold ice in his +hand, to say, "This is good!" or, "Really, madam, you are very +beautiful so." And to vary that in a hundred different ways. To keep +himself cool, to bear himself like a nobleman, to have a free tongue +and a modest one, to endure with a smile all the evils the devil may +invent on his behalf, to smother his anger, to hold nature in control, +to have the finger of God, and the tail of the devil, to reward the +mother, the cousin, the servant; in fact, to put a good face on +everything. In default of which the female escapes and leaves you in a +fix, without giving a single Christian reason. In fact, the lover of +the most gentle maid that God ever created in a good-tempered moment, +had he talked like a book, jumped like a flea, turned about like dice, +played like King David, and built for the aforesaid woman the +Corinthian order of the columns of the devil, if he failed in the +essential and hidden thing which pleases his lady above all others, +which often she does not know herself and which he has need to know, +the lass leaves him like a red leper. She is quite right. No one can +blame her for so doing. When this happens some men become +ill-tempered, cross, and more wretched than you can possibly imagine. +Have not many of them killed themselves through this petticoat tyranny? +In this matter the man distinguishes himself from the beast, seeing that +no animal ever yet lost his senses through blighted love, which proves +abundantly that animals have no souls. The employment of a lover is +that of a mountebank, of a soldier, of a quack, of a buffoon, of a +prince, of a ninny, of a king, of an idler, of a monk, of a dupe, of a +blackguard, of a liar, of a braggart, of a sycophant, of a numskull, +of a frivolous fool, of a blockhead, of a know-nothing, of a knave. An +employment from which Jesus abstained, in imitation of whom folks of +great understanding likewise disdain it; it is a vocation in which a +man of worth is required to spend above all things, his time, his +life, his blood, his best words, besides his heart, his soul, and his +brain; things to which the women are cruelly partial, because directly +their tongues begin to go, they say among themselves that if they have +not the whole of a man they have none of him. Be sure, also, that +there are cats, who, knitting their eyebrows, complain that a man does +but a hundred things for them, for the purpose of finding out if there +be a hundred, at first seeing that in everything they desire the most +thorough spirit of conquest and tyranny. And this high jurisprudence +has always flourished among the customs of Paris, where the women +receive more wit at their baptism than in any other place in the +world, and thus are mischievous by birth. + +But our silversmith, always busy at his work, burnishing gold and +melting silver, had no time to warm his love or to burnish and make +shine his fantasies, nor to show off, gad about, waste his time in +mischief, or to run after she-males. Now seeing that in Paris virgins +do not fall into the beds of young men any more than roast pheasants +into the streets, not even when the young men are royal silversmiths, +the Touranian had the advantage of having, as I have before observed, +a continent member in his shirt. However, the good man could not close +his eyes to the advantage of nature with which were so amply furnished +the ladies with whom he dilated upon the value of his jewels. So it +was that, after listening to the gentle discourse of the ladies, who +tried to wheedle and to fondle him to obtain a favour from him, the +good Touranian would return to his home, dreamy as a poet, wretched as +a restless cuckoo, and would say to himself, "I must take to myself a +wife. She would keep the house tidy, keep the plates hot for me, fold +the clothes for me, sew my buttons on, sing merrily about the house, +tease me to do everything according to her taste, would say to me as +they all say to their husbands when they want a jewel, 'Oh, my own +pet, look at this, is it not pretty?' And every one in the quarter +will think of my wife and then of me, and say 'There's a happy man.' +Then the getting married, the bridal festivities, to fondle Madame +Silversmith, to dress her superbly, give her a fine gold chain, to +worship her from crown to toe, to give her the whole management of the +house, except the cash, to give her a nice little room upstairs, with +good windows, pretty, and hung around with tapestry, with a wonderful +chest in it and a fine large bed, with twisted columns and curtains of +yellow silk. He would buy her beautiful mirrors, and there would +always be a dozen or so of children, his and hers, when he came home +to greet him." Then wife and children would vanish into the clouds. He +transferred his melancholy imaginings to fantastic designs, fashioned +his amorous thoughts into grotesque jewels that pleased their buyers +well, they not knowing how many wives and children were lost in the +productions of the good man, who, the more talent he threw into his +art, the more disordered he became. Now if God had not had pity upon +him, he would have quitted this world without knowing what love was, +but would have known it in the other without that metamorphosis of the +flesh which spares it, according to Monsieur Plato, a man of some +authority, but who, not being a Christian, was wrong. But, there! +these preparatory digressions are the idle digressions and fastidious +commentaries which certain unbelievers compel a man to wind about a +tale, swaddling clothes about an infant when it should run about stark +naked. May the great devil give them a clyster with his red-hot +three-pronged fork. I am going on with my story now without further +circumlocution. + +This is what happened to the silversmith in the one-and-fortieth year +of his age. One Sabbath-day while walking on the left bank of the +Seine, led by an idle fancy, he ventured as far as that meadow which +has since been called the Pre-aux-Clercs and which at that time was in +the domain of the abbey of St. Germain, and not in that of the +University. There, still strolling on the Touranian found himself in +the open fields, and there met a poor young girl who, seeing that he +was well-dressed, curtsied to him, saying "Heaven preserve you, +monseigneur." In saying this her voice had such sympathetic sweetness +that the silversmith felt his soul ravished by this feminine melody, +and conceived an affection for the girl, the more so as, tormented +with ideas of marriage as he was, everything was favourable thereto. +Nevertheless, as he had passed the wench by he dared not go back, +because he was as timid as a young maid who would die in her +petticoats rather than raise them for her pleasure. But when he was a +bowshot off he bethought him that he was a man who for ten years had +been a master silversmith, had become a citizen, and was a man of +mark, and could look a woman in the face if his fancy so led him, the +more so as his imagination had great power over him. So he turned +suddenly back, as if he had changed the direction of his stroll, and +came upon the girl, who held by an old cord her poor cow, who was +munching grass that had grown on the border of a ditch at the side of +the road. + +"Ah, my pretty one," said he, "you are not overburdened with the goods +of this world that you thus work with your hands upon the Lord's Day. +Are you not afraid of being cast into prison?" + +"Monseigneur," replied the maid, casting down her eyes, "I have +nothing to fear, because I belong to the abbey. The Lord Abbot has +given me leave to exercise the cow after vespers." + +"You love your cow, then, more than the salvation of your soul?" + +"Ah, monseigneur, our beast is almost the half of our poor lives." + +"I am astonished, my girl, to see you poor and in rags, clothed like a +fagot, running barefoot about the fields on the Sabbath, when you +carry about you more treasures than you could dig up in the grounds of +the abbey. Do not the townspeople pursue, and torment you with love?" + +"Oh, never monseigneur. I belong to the abbey", replied she, showing +the jeweller a collar on her left arm like those that the beasts of +the field have, but without the little bell, and at the same time +casting such a deplorable glance at our townsman that he was stricken +quite sad, for by the eyes are communicated contagions of the heart +when they are strong. + +"And what does this mean?" he said, wishing to hear all about it. + +And he touched the collar, upon which was engraved the arms of the +abbey very distinctly, but which he did not wish to see. + +"Monseigneur, I am the daughter of an homme de corps; thus whoever +unites himself to me by marriage, will become a bondsman, even if he +were a citizen of Paris, and would belong body and goods to the abbey. +If he loved me otherwise, his children would still belong to the +domain. For this reason I am neglected by everyone, abandoned like a +poor beast of the field. But what makes me most unhappy is, that +according to the pleasure of monseigneur the abbot, I shall be coupled +at some time with a bondsman. And if I were less ugly than I am, at +the sight of my collar the most amorous would flee from me as from the +black plague." + +So saying, she pulled her cow by the cord to make it follow her. + +"And how old are you?" asked the silversmith. + +"I do not know, monseigneur; but our master, the abbot, has kept +account." + +This great misery touched the heart of the good man, who had in his +day eaten the bread of sorrow. He regulated his pace to the girl's, +and they went together towards the water in painful silence. The good +man gazed at the fine forehead, the round red arms, the queen's waist, +the feet dusty, but made like those of a Virgin Mary; and the sweet +physiognomy of this girl, who was the living image of St. Genevieve, +the patroness of Paris, and the maidens who live in the fields. And +make sure that this Joseph suspected the pretty white of this sweet +girl's breasts, which were by a modest grace carefully covered with an +old rag, and looked at them as a schoolboy looks at a rosy apple on a +hot day. Also, may you depend upon it that these little hillocks of +nature denoted a wench fashioned with delicious perfection, like +everything that the monks possess. Now, the more it was forbidden our +silversmith to touch them, the more his mouth watered for these fruits +of love. And his heart leaped almost into his mouth. + +"You have a fine cow," said he. + +"Would you like a little milk?" replied she. "It is so warm these +early days of May. You are far from the town." + +In truth, the sky was a cloudless blue, and glared like a forge. +Everything was radiant with youth, the leaves, the air, the girls, the +lads; everything was burning, was green, and smelt like balm. This +naive offer, made without the hope of recompense, though a byzant +would not have paid for the special grace of this speech; and the +modesty of the gesture with which the poor girl turned to him gained +the heart of the jeweller, who would have liked to be able to put this +bondswoman into the skin of a queen, and Paris at her feet. + +"Nay, my child, I thirst not for milk, but for you, whom I would have +leave to liberate." + +"That cannot be, and I shall die the property of the abbey. For years +we have lived so, from father to son, from mother to daughter. Like my +ancestors, I shall pass my days on this land, as will also my +children, because the abbot cannot legally let us go." + +"What!" said the Touranian; "has no gallant been tempted by your +bright eyes to buy your liberty, as I bought mine from the king?" + +"It would cost too dear; thus it is those whom at first sight I +please, go as they came." + +"And you have never thought of gaining another country in company of a +lover on horseback on a fleet courser?" + +"Oh yes. But, monseigneur, if I were caught I should be hanged at +least; and my gallant, even were he a lord, would lose more than one +domain over it, besides other things. I am not worth so much; besides, +the abbey has arms longer than my feet are swift. So I live on in +perfect obedience to God, who has placed me in this plight." + +"What is your father?" + +"He tends the vines in the gardens of the abbey." + +"And your mother?" + +"She is a washerwoman." + +"And what is your name?" + +"I have no name, dear sir. My father was baptised Etienne, my mother +is Etienne, and I am Tiennette, at your service." + +"Sweetheart," said the jeweller, "never has woman pleased me as you +please me; and I believe that your heart contains a wealth of +goodness. Now, since you offered yourself to my eyes at the moment +when I was firmly deliberating upon taking a companion, I believe that +I see in you a sign from heaven! And if I am not displeasing to you, I +beg you to accept me as your friend." + +Immediately the maid lowered her eyes. These words were uttered in +such a way, in so grave a tone, so penetrating a manner, that the said +Tiennette burst into tears. + +"No, monseigneur, I should be the cause of a thousand +unpleasantnesses, and of your misfortune. For a poor bondsmaid, the +conversation has gone far enough." + +"Ho!" cried Anseau; "you do not know, my child, the man you are +dealing with." + +The Touranian crossed himself, joined his hands, and said-- + +"I make a vow to Monsieur the Saint Eloi, under whose invocation are +the silversmiths, to fashion two images of pure silver, with the best +workmanship I am able to perform. One shall be a statue of Madame the +Virgin, to this end, to thank her for the liberty of my dear wife; and +the other for my said patron, if I am successful in my undertaking to +liberate the bondswoman Tiennette here present, and for which I rely +upon his assistance. Moreover, I swear by my eternal salvation, to +persevere with courage in this affair, to spend therein all I process, +and only to quit it with my life. God has heard me," said he. "And +you, little one," he added, turning towards the maid. + +"Ha! monseigneur, look! My cow is running about the fields," cried +she, sobbing at the good man's knees. "I will love you all my life; +but withdraw your vow." + +"Let us to look after the cow," said the silversmith, raising her, +without daring yet to kiss her, although the maid was well disposed to +it. + +"Yes," said she, "for I shall be beaten." + +And behold now the silversmith, scampering after the cursed cow, who +gave no heed to their amours; she was taken by the horns, and held in +the grip of the Touranian, who for a trifle would have thrown her in +the air, like a straw. + +"Adieu, my sweet one! If you go into the town, come to my house, over +against St Leu's Church. I am called Master Anseau, and am silversmith +to the King of France, at the sign of St. Eloi. Make me a promise to +be in this field the next Lord's-Day; fail not to come, even should it +rain halberds." + +"Yes, dear Sir. For this I would leap the walls, and, in gratitude, +would I be yours without mischief, and cause you no sorrow, at the +price of my everlasting future. Awaiting the happy moment, I will pray +God for you with all my heart." + +And then she remained standing like a stone saint, moving not, until +she could see the good citizen no longer, and he went away with +lagging steps, turning from time to time further to gaze upon her. And +when he was far off, and out of her sight, she stayed on, until +nightfall, lost in meditation, knowing not if she had dreamed that +which had happened to her. Then she went back to the house, where she +was beaten for staying out, but felt not the blows. The good +silversmith could neither eat nor drink, but closed his workshop, +possessed of this girl, thinking of nothing but this girl, seeing +everywhere the girl; everything to him being to possess this girl. Now +when the morrow was come, he went with great apprehension towards the +abbey to speak to the lord abbot. On the road, however, he suddenly +thought of putting himself under the protection of one of the king's +people, and with this idea returned to the court, which was then held +in the town. Being esteemed by all for his prudence, and loved for his +little works and kindnesses, the king's chamberlain--for whom he had +once made, for a present to a lady of the court, a golden casket set +with precious stones and unique of its kind--promised him assistance, +had a horse saddled for himself, and a hack for the silversmith, with +whom he set out for the abbey, and asked to see the abbot, who was +Monseigneur Hugon de Sennecterre, aged ninety-three. Being come into +the room with the silversmith, waiting nervously to receive his +sentence, the chamberlain begged the abbot to sell him in advance a +thing which was easy for him to sell, and which would be pleasant to +him. + +To which the abbot replied, looking at the chamberlain-- + +"That the canons inhibited and forbade him thus to engage his word." + +"Behold, my dear father," said the chamberlain, "the jeweller of the +Court who has conceived a great love for a bondswoman belonging to +your abbey, and I request you, in consideration of my obliging you in +any such desire as you may wish to see accomplished, to emancipate +this maid." + +"Which is she?" asked the abbot of the citizen. + +"Her name is Tiennette," answered the silversmith, timidly. + +"Ho! ho!" said the good old Hugon, smiling. "The angler has caught us +a good fish! This is a grave business, and I know not how to decide by +myself." + +"I know, my father, what those words mean," said that chamberlain, +knitting his brows. + +"Fine sir," said the abbot, "know you what this maid is worth?" + +The abbot ordered Tiennette to be fetched, telling his clerk to dress +her in her finest clothes, and to make her look as nice as possible. + +"Your love is in danger," said that chamberlain to the silversmith, +pulling him on one side. "Dismiss this fantasy. You can meet anywhere, +even at Court, with women of wealth, young and pretty, who would +willingly marry you. For this, if need be, the king would assist you +by giving you some title, which in course of time would enable you to +found a good family. Are you sufficiently well furnished with crowns +to become the founder of a noble line?" + +"I know not, monseigneur," replied Anseau. "I have put money by." + +"Then see if you cannot buy the manumission of this maid. I know the +monks. With them money does everything." + +"Monseigneur," said the silversmith to the abbot, coming towards him, +"you have the charge and office representing here below the goodness +of God, who is often clement towards us, and has infinite treasures of +mercy for our sorrows. Now, I will remember you each evening and each +morning in my prayers, and never forget that I received my happiness +at your hands, if you aid me to gain this maid in lawful wedlock, +without keeping in servitude the children born of this union. And for +this I will make you a receptacle for the Holy Eucharist, so +elaborate, so rich with gold, precious stones and winged angels, that +no other shall be like it in all Christendom. It shall remain unique, +it shall dazzle your eyesight, and shall be so far the glory of your +altar, that the people of the towns and foreign nobles shall rush to +it, so magnificent shall it be." + +"My son," replied the abbot "have you lost your senses? If you are so +resolved to have this wench for a legal wife, your goods and your +person belong to the Chapter of the abbey." + +"Yes, monseigneur, I am passionately in love with this girl, and more +touched with her misery and her Christian heart than even with her +perfections; but I am," said he, with tears in his eyes, "still more +astonished at your harshness, and I say it although I know that my +fate is in your hands. Yes, monseigneur, I know the law; and if my +goods fall to your domain, if I become a bondsman, if I lose my house +and my citizenship, I will still keep that engine, gained by my +labours and my studies, on which lies there," cried he, striking his +forehead "in a place of which no one, save God, can be lord but +myself. And your whole abbey could not pay for the special creations +which proceed therefrom. You may have my body, my wife, my children, +but nothing shall get you my engine; nay, not even torture, seeing +that I am stronger than iron is hard, and more patient than sorrow is +great." + +So saying, the silversmith, enraged by the calmness of the abbot, who +seemed resolved to acquire for the abbey the good man's doubloons, +brought down his fist upon an oaken chair and shivered it into +fragments, for it split as under the blow of a mace. + +"Behold, monseigneur, what kind of servant you will have, and of an +artificer of things divine you will make a mere cart-horse." + +"My son," replied the abbot, "you have wrongfully broken my chair, and +lightly judged my mind. This wench belongs to the abbey and not to me. +I am the faithful servant of the rights and customs of this glorious +monastery; although I might grant this woman license to bear free +children, I am responsible for this to God and to the abbey. Now, +since there was here an altar, bondsmen and monks, _id est_, from time +immemorial, there has never occurred the case of a citizen becoming +the property of the abbey by marriage with a bondswoman. Now, +therefore, is there need to exercise the right, and to make use of it +so that it would not be lost, weakened, worn out, or fallen into +disuse, which would occasion a thousand difficulties. And this is of +higher advantage to the State and to the abbey than your stones, +however beautiful they be, seeing that we have treasure wherewith to +buy rare jewels, and that no treasure can establish customs and laws. +I call upon the king's chamberlain to bear witness to the infinite +pains which his majesty takes every day to fight for the establishment +of his orders." + +"That is to close my mouth," said the chamberlain. + +The silversmith, who was not a great scholar, remained thoughtful. +Then came Tiennette, clean as a new pin, her hair raised up, dressed +in a robe of white wool with a blue sash, with tiny shoes and white +stockings; in fact, so royally beautiful, so noble in her bearing was +she, that the silversmith was petrified with ecstasy, and the +chamberlain confessed he had never seen so perfect a creature. +Thinking there was too much danger in this sight for the poor +jeweller, he led him into the town, and begged him to think no further +of the affair, since the abbey was not likely to liberate so good a +bait for the citizens and nobles of the Parisian stream. In fact, the +Chapter let the poor lover know that if he married this girl he must +resolve to yield up his goods and his house to the abbey, consider +himself a bondsman, both he and the children of the aforesaid +marriage; although, by a special grace, the abbey would let him his +house on the condition of his giving an inventory of his furniture and +paying a yearly rent, and coming during eight days to live in a shed +adjoining the domain, thus performing an act of service. The +silversmith, to whom everyone spoke of the cupidity of the monks, saw +clearly that the abbot would incommutably maintain this order, and his +soul was filled with despair. At one time he determined to burn down +the monastery; at another, he proposed to lure the abbot into a place +where he could torment him until he had signed a charter for +Tiennette's liberation; in fact a thousand ideas possessed his brain, +and as quickly evaporated. But after much lamentation he determined to +carry off the girl, and fly with her into her a sure place from which +nothing could draw him, and made his preparations accordingly; for +once out of the kingdom, his friends or the king could better tackle +the monks and bring them to reason. The good man counted, however, +without his abbot, for going to the meadows, he found Tiennette no +more there, and learned that she was confined in the abbey, and with +much rigour, that to get at her it would be necessary to lay siege to +the monastery. Then Master Anseau passed his time in tears, +complaints, and lamentations; and all the city, the townspeople, and +housewives, talked of his adventure, the noise of which was so great, +that the king sent for the old abbot to court, and demanded of him why +he did not yield under the circumstances to the great love of the +silversmith, and why he did not put into practice Christian charity. + +"Because, monseigneur," replied the priest, "all rights are knit +together like the pieces of a coat of mail, and if one makes default, +all fail. If this girl was taken from us against our wish, and if the +custom were not observed, your subjects would soon take off your +crown, and raise up in various places violence and sedition, in order +to abolish the taxes and imposts that weigh upon the populace." + +The king's mouth was closed. Everyone was eager to know the end of +this adventure. So great was the curiosity that certain lords wagered +that the Touranian would desist from his love, and the ladies wagered +to the contrary. The silversmith having complained to the queen that +the monks had hidden his well-beloved from his sight, she found the +deed detestable and horrible; and in consequence of her commands to +the lord abbot it was permitted to the Touranian to go every day into +the parlour of the abbey, where came Tiennette, but under the control +of an old monk, and she always came attired in great splendour like a +lady. The two lovers had no other license than to see each other, and +to speak to each other, without being able to snatch the smallest atom +of pleasure, and always grew their love more powerful. + +One day Tiennette discoursed thus with her lover--"My dear lord, I +have determined to make you a gift of my life, in order to relieve +your suffering, and in this wise; in informing myself concerning +everything I have found a means to set aside the rights of the abbey, +and to give you all the joy you hope for from my fruition." + +"The ecclesiastical judge has ruled that as you become a bondsman only +by accession, and because you were not born a bondsman, your servitude +will cease with the cause that makes you a serf. Now, if you love me +more than all else, lose your goods to purchase our happiness, and +espouse me. Then when you have had your will of me, when you have +hugged me and embraced me to your heart's content, before I have +offspring will I voluntarily kill myself, and thus you become free +again; at least you will have the king on your side, who, it is said, +wishes you well. And without doubt, God will pardon me that I cause my +own death, in order to deliver my lord spouse." + +"My dear Tiennette," cried the jeweller, "it is finished--I will be a +bondsman, and thou wilt live to make my happiness as long as my days. +In thy company, the hardest chains will weigh but lightly, and little +shall I reck the want of gold, when all my riches are in thy heart, +and my only pleasure in thy sweet body. I place myself in the hands of +St. Eloi, will deign in this misery to look upon us with pitying eyes, +and guard us from all evils. Now I shall go hence to a scrivener to +have the deeds and contracts drawn up. At least, dear flower of my +days, thou shalt be gorgeously attired, well housed, and served like a +queen during thy lifetime, since the lord abbot leaves me the earnings +of my profession." + +Tiennette, crying and laughing, tried to put off her good fortune and +wished to die, rather than reduce to slavery a free man; but the good +Anseau whispered such soft words to her, and threatened so firmly to +follow her to the tomb, that she agreed to the said marriage, thinking +that she could always free herself after having tasted the pleasures +of love. + +When the submission of the Touranian became known in the town, and +that for his sweetheart he yielded up his wealth and his liberty, +everyone wished to see him. The ladies of the court encumbered +themselves with jewels, in order to speak with him, and there fell +upon him as from the clouds women enough to make up for the time he +had been without them; but if any of them approached Tiennette in +beauty, none had her heart. To be brief, when the hour of slavery and +love was at hand, Anseau remolded all of his gold into a royal crown, +in which he fixed all his pearls and diamonds, and went secretly to +the queen, and gave it to her, saying, "Madame, I know not how to +dispose of my fortune, which you here behold. Tomorrow everything that +is found in my house will be the property of the cursed monks, who +have had no pity on me. Then deign, madame, to accept this. It is a +slight return for the joy which, through you, I have experienced in +seeing her I love; for no sum of money is worth one of her glances. I +do not know what will become of me, but if one day my children are +delivered, I rely upon your queenly generosity." + +"Well said, good man," cried the king. "The abbey will one day need my +aid and I will not lose the remembrance of this." + +There was a vast crowd at the abbey for the nuptials of Tiennette, to +whom the queen presented the bridal dress, and to whom the king +granted a licence to wear every day golden rings in her ears. When the +charming pair came from the abbey to the house of Anseau (now serf) +over against St. Leu, there were torches at the windows to see them +pass, and a double line in the streets, as though it were a royal +entry. The poor husband had made himself a collar of gold, which he +wore on his left arm in token of his belonging to the abbey of St. +Germain. But in spite of his servitude the people cried out, "Noel! +Noel!" as to a new crowned king. And the good man bowed to them +gracefully, happy as a lover, and joyful at the homage which every one +rendered to the grace and modesty of Tiennette. Then the good +Touranian found green boughs and violets in crowns in his honour; and +the principal inhabitants of the quarter were all there, who as a +great honour, played music to him, and cried to him, "You will always +be a noble man in spite of the abbey." You may be sure that the happy +pair indulged an amorous conflict to their hearts' content; that the +good man's blows were vigorous; and that his sweetheart, like a good +country maiden, was of a nature to return them. Thus they lived +together a whole month, happy as the doves, who in springtime build +their nest twig by twig. Tiennette was delighted with the beautiful +house and the customers, who came and went away astonished at her. +This month of flowers past, there came one day, with great pomp, the +good old Abbot Hugon, their lord and master, who entered the house, +which then belonged not the jeweller but to the Chapter, and said to +the two spouses:-- + +"My children, you are released, free and quit of everything; and I +should tell you that from the first I was much struck with the love +which united you one to the other. The rights of the abbey once +recognised, I was, so far as I was concerned, determined to restore +you to perfect enjoyment, after having proved your loyalty by the test +of God. And this manumission will cost you nothing." Having thus said, +he gave them each a little tap with his hand on the cheek. And they +fell about his knees weeping tears of joy for such good reasons. The +Touranian informed the people of the neighbourhood, who picked up in +the street the largesse, and received the predictions of the good +Abbott Hugon. + +Then it was with great honour, Master Anseau held the reins of his +mule, so far as the gate of Bussy. During the journey the jeweller, +who had taken a bag of silver, threw the pieces to the poor and +suffering, crying, "Largesse, largesse to God! God save and guard the +abbot! Long live the good Lord Hugon!" And returning to his house he +regaled his friends, and had fresh wedding festivities, which lasted a +fortnight. You can imagine that the abbot was reproached by the +Chapter, for his clemency in opening the door for such good prey to +escape, so that when a year after the good man Hugon fell ill, his +prior told him that it was a punishment from Heaven because he had +neglected the sacred interests of the Chapter and of God. + +"If I have judged that man aright," said the abbot, "he will not +forget what he owes us." + +In fact, this day happening by chance to be the anniversary of the +marriage, a monk came to announce that the silversmith supplicated his +benefactor to receive him. Soon he entered the room where the abbot +was, and spread out before him two marvellous shrines, which since +that time no workman has surpassed, in any portion of the Christian +world, and which were named "Vow of a Steadfast Love." These two +treasures are, as everyone knows, placed on the principal altar of the +church, and are esteemed as an inestimable work, for the silversmith +had spent therein all his wealth. Nevertheless, this wealth, far from +emptying his purse, filled it full to overflowing, because so rapidly +increased his fame and his fortune that he was able to buy a patent of +nobility and lands, and he founded the house of Anseau, which has +since been held in great honour in fair Touraine. + +This teaches us to have always recourse to God and the saints in all +the undertakings of life, to be steadfast in all things, and, above +all, that a great love triumphs over everything, which is an old +sentence; but the author has rewritten it because it is a most +pleasant one. + + + + CONCERNING A PROVOST WHO DID NOT RECOGNISE THINGS + +In the good town of Bourges, at the time when that lord the king +disported himself there, who afterwards abandoned his search after +pleasure to conquer the kingdom, and did indeed conquer it, lived +there a provost, entrusted by him with the maintenance of order, and +called the provost-royal. From which came, under the glorious son of +the said king, the office of provost of the hotel, in which behaved +rather harshly my lord Tristan of Mere, of whom these tales oft make +mention, although he was by no means a merry fellow. I give this +information to the friends who pilfer from old manuscripts to +manufacture new ones, and I show thereby how learned these Tales +really are, without appearing to be so. Very well, then, this provost +was named Picot or Picault, of which some made picotin, picoter, and +picoree; by some Pitot or Pitaut, from which comes _pitance_; by +others in Languedoc, Pichot from which comes nothing comes worth +knowing; by these Petiot or Petiet; by those Petitot and Petinault, or +Petiniaud, which was the masonic appellation; but at Bourges he was +called Petit, a name which was eventually adopted by the family, which +has multiplied exceedingly, for everywhere you find "_des Petits_," +and so he will be called Petit in this narrative. I have given this +etymology in order to throw a light on our language, and show how our +citizens have finished by acquiring names. But enough of science. + +This said provost, who had as many names as there were provinces into +which the court went, was in reality a little bit of a man, whose +mother had given him so strange a hide, that when he wanted to laugh +he used to stretch his cheeks like a cow making water, and this smile +at court was called the provost's smile. One day the king, hearing +this proverbial expression used by certain lords, said jokingly-- + +"You are in error, gentlemen, Petit does not laugh, he's short of skin +below the mouth." + +But with his forced laugh Petit was all the more suited to his +occupation of watching and catching evil-doers. In fact, he was worth +what he cost. For all malice, he was a bit of a cuckold, for all vice, +he went to vespers, for all wisdom he obeyed God, when it was +convenient; for all joy he had a wife in his house; and for all change +in his joy he looked for a man to hang, and when he was asked to find +one he never failed to meet him; but when he was between the sheets he +never troubled himself about thieves. Can you find in all Christendom +a more virtuous provost? No! All provosts hang too little, or too +much, while this one just hanged as much as was necessary to be a +provost. + +This good fellow had for his wife in legitimate marriage, and much to +the astonishment of everyone, the prettiest little woman in Bourges. +So it was that often, while on his road to the execution, he would ask +God the same question as several others in the town did--namely, why +he, Petit, he the sheriff, he the provost royal, had to himself, +Petit, provost royal and sheriff, a wife so exquisitely shapely, said +dowered with charms, that a donkey seeing her pass by would bray with +delight. To this God vouchsafed no reply, and doubtless had his +reasons. But the slanderous tongues of the town replied for him, that +the young lady was by no means a maiden when she became the wife of +Petit. Others said she did not keep her affections solely for him. The +wags answered, that donkeys often get into fine stables. Everyone had +taunts ready which would have made a nice little collection had anyone +gathered them together. From them, however, it is necessary to take +nearly four-fourths, seeing that Petit's wife was a virtuous woman, +who had a lover for pleasure and a husband for duty. How many were +there in the town as careful of their hearts and mouths? If you can +point out one to me, I'll give you a kick or a half-penny, whichever +you like. You will find some who have neither husband nor lover. +Certain females have a lover and no husband. Ugly women have a husband +and no lover. But to meet with a woman who, having one husband and one +lover, keeps to the deuce without trying for the trey, there is the +miracle, you see, you greenhorns, blockheads, and dolts! Now then, put +the true character of this virtuous woman on the tablets of your +memory, go your ways, and let me go mine. + +The good Madame Petit was not one of those ladies who are always on +the move, running hither and thither, can't keep still a moment, but +trot about, worrying, hurrying, chattering, and clattering, and had +nothing in them to keep them steady, but are so light that they run +after a gastric zephyr as after their quintessence. No; on the +contrary, she was a good housewife, always sitting in her chair or +sleeping in her bed, ready as a candlestick, waiting for her lover +when her husband went out, receiving the husband when the lover had +gone. This dear woman never thought of dressing herself only to annoy +and make other wives jealous. Pish! She had found a better use for the +merry time of youth, and put life into her joints in order to make the +best use of it. Now you know the provost and his good wife. + +The provost's lieutenant in duties matrimonial, duties which are so +heavy that it takes two men to execute them, was a noble lord, a +landowner, who disliked the king exceedingly. You must bear this in +mind, because it is one of the principal points of the story. The +Constable, who was a thorough Scotch gentleman, had seen by chance +Petit's wife, and wished to have a little conversation with her +comfortably, towards the morning, just the time to tell his beads, +which was Christianly honest, or honestly Christian, in order to argue +with her concerning the things of science or the science of things. +Thinking herself quite learned enough, Madame Petit, who was, as has +been stated, a virtuous, wise, and honest wife, refused to listen to +the said constable. After certain arguments, reasonings, tricks and +messages, which were of no avail, he swore by his great black +_coquedouille_ that he would rip up the gallant although he was a man +of mark. But he swore nothing about the lady. This denotes a good +Frenchman, for in such a dilemma there are certain offended persons +who would upset the whole business of three persons by killing four. +The constable wagered his big black _coquedouille_ before the king and +the lady of Sorel, who were playing cards before supper; and his +majesty was well pleased, because he would be relieved of this noble, +that displeased him, and that without costing him a Thank You. + +"And how will you manage the affair?" said Madame de Sorel to him, +with a smile. + +"Oh, oh!" replied the constable. "You may be sure, madame, I do not +wish to lose my big black coquedouille." + +"What was, then, this great coquedouille?" + +"Ha, ha! This point is shrouded in darkness to a degree that would +make you ruin your eyes in ancient books; but it was certainly +something of great importance. Nevertheless, let us put on our +spectacles, and search it out. _Douille_ signifies in Brittany, a +girl, and _coque_ means a cook's frying pan. From this word has come +into France that of _coquin_--a knave who eats, licks, laps, sucks, +and fritters his money away, and gets into stews; is always in hot +water, and eats up everything, leads an idle life, and doing this, +becomes wicked, becomes poor, and that incites him to steal or beg. +From this it may be concluded by the learned that the great +coquedouille was a household utensil in the shape of a kettle used for +cooking things." + +"Well," continued the constable, who was the Sieur of Richmond, "I +will have the husband ordered to go into the country for a day and a +night, to arrest certain peasants suspected of plotting treacherously +with the English. Thereupon my two pigeons, believing their man +absent, will be as merry as soldiers off duty; and, if a certain thing +takes place, I will let loose the provost, sending him, in the king's +name, to search the house where the couple will be, in order that he +may slay our friend, who pretends to have this good cordelier all to +himself." + +"What does this mean?" said the Lady of Beaute. + +"Friar . . . fryer . . . an _equivoque_," answered the king, smiling. + +"Come to supper," said Madame Agnes. "You are bad men, who with one +word insult both the citizens' wives and a holy order." + +Now, for a long time, Madame Petit had longed to have a night of +liberty, during which she might visit the house of the said noble, +where she could make as much noise as she liked, without waking the +neighbours, because at the provost's house she was afraid of being +overheard, and had to content herself well with the pilferings of +love, little tastes, and nibbles, daring at the most only to trot, +while what she desired was a smart gallop. On the morrow, therefore, +the lady's-maid went off about midday to the young lord's house, and +told the lover--from whom she received many presents, and therefore in +no way disliked him--that he might make his preparations for pleasure, +and for supper, for that he might rely upon the provost's better half +being with him in the evening both hungry and thirsty. + +"Good!" said he. "Tell your mistress I will not stint her in anything +she desires." + +The pages of the cunning constable, who were watching the house, +seeing the gallant prepare for his gallantries, and set out the +flagons and the meats, went and informed their master that everything +had happened as he wished. Hearing this, the good constable rubbed his +hands thinking how nicely the provost would catch the pair. He +instantly sent word to him, that by the king's express commands he was +to return to town, in order that he might seize at the said lord's +house an English nobleman, with whom he was vehemently suspected to be +arranging a plot of diabolical darkness. But before he put this order +into execution, he was to come to the king's hotel, in order that he +might understand the courtesy to be exercised in this case. The +provost, joyous at the chance of speaking to the king, used such +diligence that he was in town just at that time when the two lovers +were singing the first note of their evening hymn. The lord of +cuckoldom and its surrounding lands, who is a strange lord, managed +things so well, that madame was only conversing with her lord lover at +the time that her lord spouse was talking to the constable and the +king; at which he was pleased, and so was his wife--a case of concord +rare in matrimony. + +"I was saying to monseigneur," said the constable to the provost, as +he entered the king's apartment, "that every man in the kingdom has a +right to kill his wife and her lover if he finds them in an act of +infidelity. But his majesty, who is clement, argues that he has only a +right to kill the man, and not the woman. Now what would you do, Mr. +Provost, if by chance you found a gentleman taking a stroll in that +fair meadow of which laws, human and divine, enjoin you alone to +cultivate the verdure?" + +"I would kill everything," said the provost; "I would scrunch the five +hundred thousand devils of nature, flower and seed, and send them +flying, the pips and apples, the grass and the meadow, the woman and +the man." + +"You would be in the wrong," said the king. "That is contrary to the +laws of the Church and of the State; of the State, because you might +deprive me of a subject; of the Church, because you would be sending +an innocent to limbo unshriven." + +"Sire, I admire your profound wisdom, and I clearly perceive you to be +the centre of all justice." + +"We can then only kill the knight--Amen," said constable, "Kill the +horseman. Now go quickly to the house of the suspected lord, but +without letting yourself be bamboozled, do not forget what is due to +his position." + +The provost, believing he would certainly be Chancellor of France if +he properly acquitted himself of the task, went from the castle into +the town, took his men, arrived at the nobleman's residence, arranged +his people outside, placed guards at all the doors, opened noiselessly +by order of the king, climbs the stairs, asks the servants in which +room their master is, puts them under arrest, goes up alone, and +knocks at the door of the room where the two lovers are tilting in +love's tournament, and says to them-- + +"Open, in the name of our lord the king!" + +The lady recognised her husband's voice, and could not repress a +smile, thinking that she had not waited for the king's orders to do +what she had done. But after laughter came terror. Her lover took his +cloak, threw it over him, and came to the door. There, not knowing +that his life was in peril, he declared that he belonged to the court +and to the king's household. + +"Bah!" said the provost. "I have a strict order from the king; and +under pain of being treated as a rebel, you are bound instantly to +receive me." + +Then the lord went out to him, still holding the door. + +"What do you want here?" + +"An enemy of our lord the king, whom we command you to deliver into +our hands, otherwise you must follow me with him to the castle." + +This, thought the lover, is a piece of treachery on the part of the +constable, whose proposition my dear mistress treated with scorn. We +must get out of this scrape in some way. Then turning towards the +provost, he went double or quits on the risk, reasoning thus with the +cuckold:-- + +"My friend, you know that I consider you but as gallant a man as it is +possible for a provost to be in the discharge of his duty. Now, can I +have confidence in you? I have here with me the fairest lady of the +court. As for Englishmen, I have not sufficient of one to make the +breakfast of the constable, M. de Richmond, who sends you here. This +is (to be candid with you) the result of a bet made between myself and +the constable, who shares it with the King. Both have wagered that +they know who is the lady of my heart; and I have wagered to the +contrary. No one more than myself hates the English, who took my +estates in Piccadilly. Is it not a knavish trick to put justice in +motion against me? Ho! Ho! my lord constable, a chamberlain is worth +two of you, and I will beat you yet. My dear Petit, I give you +permission to search by night and by day, every nook and cranny of my +house. But come in here alone, search my room, turn the bed over, do +what you like. Only allow me to cover with a cloth or a handkerchief +this fair lady, who is at present in the costume of an archangel, in +order that you may not know to what husband she belongs." + +"Willingly," said the provost. "But I am an old bird, not easily +caught with chaff, and would like to be sure that it is really a lady +of the court, and not an Englishman, for these English have flesh as +white and soft as women, and I know it well, because I've hanged so +many of them." + +"Well then," said the lord, "seeing of what crime I am suspected, from +which I am bound to free myself, I will go and ask my lady-love to +consent for a moment to abandon her modesty. She is too fond of me to +refuse to save me from reproach. I will beg her to turn herself over +and show you a physiognomy, which will in no way compromise her, and +will be sufficient to enable you to recognise a noble woman, although +she will be in a sense upside down." + +"All right," said the provost. + +The lady having heard every word, had folded up all her clothes, and +put them under the bolster, had taken off her chemise, that her +husband should not recognise it, had twisted her head up in a sheet, +and had brought to light the carnal convexities which commenced where +her spine finished. + +"Come in, my friend," said the lord. + +The provost looked up the chimney, opened the cupboard, the clothes' +chest, felt under the bed, in the sheets, and everywhere. Then he +began to study what was on the bed. + +"My lord," said he, regarding his legitimate appurtenances, "I have +seen young English lads with backs like that. You must forgive me +doing my duty, but I must see otherwise." + +"What do you call otherwise?" said the lord. + +"Well, the other physiognomy, or, if you prefer it, the physiognomy of +the other." + +"Then you will allow madame to cover herself and arrange only to show +you sufficient to convince you," said the lover, knowing that the lady +had a mark or two easy to recognise. "Turn your back a moment, so that +my dear lady may satisfy propriety." + +The wife smiled at her lover, kissed him for his dexterity, arranging +herself cunningly; and the husband seeing in full that which the jade +had never let him see before, was quite convinced that no English +person could be thus fashioned without being a charming Englishwoman. + +"Yes, my lord," he whispered in the ear of his lieutenant, "this is +certainly a lady of the court, because the towns-women are neither so +well formed nor so charming." + +Then the house being thoroughly searched, and no Englishman found, the +provost returned, as the constable had told him, to the king's +residence. + +"Is he slain?" said the constable. + +"Who?" + +"He who grafted horns upon your forehead." + +"I only saw a lady in his couch, who seemed to be greatly enjoying +herself with him." + +"You, with your own eyes, saw this woman, cursed cuckold, and you did +not kill your rival?" + +"It was not a common woman, but a lady of the court." + +"You saw her?" + +"And verified her in both cases." + +"What do you mean by those words?" cried the king, who was bursting +with laughter. + +"I say, with all the respect due to your Majesty, that I have verified +the over and the under." + +"You do not, then, know the physiognomies of your own wife, you old +fool without memory! You deserve to be hanged." + +"I hold those features of my wife in too great respect to gaze upon +them. Besides she is so modest that she would die rather than expose +an atom of her body." + +"True," said the king; "it was not made to be shown." + +"Old coquedouille! that was your wife," said the constable. + +"My lord constable, she is asleep, poor girl!" + +"Quick, quick, then! To horse! Let us be off, and if she be in your +house I'll forgive you." + +Then the constable, followed by the provost, went to the latter's +house in less time than it would have taken a beggar to empty the +poor-box. + +"Hullo! there, hi!" + +Hearing the noise made by the men, which threatened to bring the walls +about their ears, the maid-servant opened the door, yawning and +stretching her arms. The constable and the provost rushed into the +room, where, with great difficulty, they succeeded in waking the lady, +who pretended to be terrified, and was so soundly asleep that her eyes +were full of gum. At this the provost was in great glee, saying to the +constable that someone had certainly deceived him, that his wife was a +virtuous woman, and was more astonished than any of them at these +proceedings. The constable turned on his heel and departed. The good +provost began directly to undress to get to bed early, since this +adventure had brought his good wife to his memory. When he was +harnessing himself, and was knocking off his nether garments, madame, +still astonished, said to him-- + +"Oh, my dear husband, what is the meaning of all this uproar--this +constable and his pages, and why did he come to see if I was asleep? +Is it to be henceforward part of a constable's duty to look after +our . . ." + +"I do not know," said the provost, interrupting her, to tell her what +had happened to him. + +"And you saw without my permission a lady of the court! Ha! ha! heu! +heu! hein!" + +Then she began to moan, to weep, and to cry in such a deplorable +manner and so loudly, that her lord was quite aghast. + +"What's the matter, my darling? What is it? What do you want?" + +"Ah! You won't love me any more are after seeing how beautiful court +ladies are!" + +"Nonsense, my child! They are great ladies. I don't mind telling you +in confidence; they are great ladies in every respect." + +"Well," said she, "am I nicer?" + +"Ah," said he, "in a great measure. Yes!" + +"They have, then, great happiness," said she, sighing, "when I have so +much with so little beauty." + +Thereupon the provost tried a better argument to argue with his good +wife, and argued so well that she finished by allowing herself to be +convinced that Heaven has ordained that much pleasure may be obtained +from small things. + +This shows us that nothing here below can prevail against the Church +of Cuckolds. + + + + ABOUT THE MONK AMADOR, WHO WAS A GLORIOUS ABBOT OF TURPENAY + +One day that it was drizzling with rain--a time when the ladies remain +gleefully at home, because they love the damp, and can have at their +apron strings the men who are not disagreeable to them--the queen was +in her chamber, at the castle of Amboise, against the window curtains. +There, seated in her chair, she was working at a piece of tapestry to +amuse herself, but was using her needle heedlessly, watching the rain +fall into the Loire, and was lost in thought, where her ladies were +following her example. The king was arguing with those of his court +who had accompanied him from the chapel--for it was a question of +returning to dominical vespers. His arguments, statements, and +reasonings finished, he looked at the queen, saw that she was +melancholy, saw that the ladies were melancholy also, and noted the +fact that they were all acquainted with the mysteries of matrimony. + +"Did I not see the Abbot of Turpenay here just now?" said he. + +Hearing these words, there advanced towards the king the monk, who, by +his constant petitions, rendered himself so obnoxious to Louis the +Eleventh, that that monarch seriously commanded his provost-royal to +remove him from his sight; and it has been related in the first volume +of these Tales, how the monk was saved through the mistake of Sieur +Tristan. The monk was at this time a man whose qualities had grown +rapidly, so much so that his wit had communicated a jovial hue to his +face. He was a great favourite with the ladies, who crammed him with +wine, confectioneries, and dainty dishes at the dinners, suppers, and +merry-makings, to which they invited him, because every host likes +those cheerful guests of God with nimble jaws, who say as many words +as they put away tit-bits. This abbot was a pernicious fellow, who +would relate to the ladies many a merry tale, at which they were only +offended when they had heard them; since, to judge them, things must +be heard. + +"My reverend father," said the king, "behold the twilight hour, in +which ears feminine may be regaled with certain pleasant stories, for +the ladies can laugh without blushing, or blush without laughing, as +it suits them best. Give us a good story--a regular monk's story. I +shall listen to it, i'faith, with pleasure, because I want to be +amused, and so do the ladies." + +"We only submit to this, in order to please your lordship," said the +queen; "because our good friend the abbot goes a little too far." + +"Then," replied the king, turning towards the monk, "read us some +Christian admonition, holy father, to amuse madame." + +"Sire, my sight is weak, and the day is closing." + +"Give us a story, then, that stops at the girdle." + +"Ah, sire!" said the monk, smiling, "the one I am thinking of stops +there; but it commences at the feet." + +The lords present made such gallant remonstrances and supplications to +the queen and her ladies, that, like the good Bretonne that she was, +she gave the monk a gentle smile, and said-- + +"As you will, my father; but you must answer to God for our sins." + +"Willingly, madame; if it be your pleasure to take mine, you will be a +gainer." + +Everyone laughed, and so did queen. The king went and sat by his dear +wife, well beloved by him, as everyone knows. The courtiers received +permission to be seated--the old courtiers, of course, understood; for +the young ones stood, by the ladies' permission, beside their chairs, +to laugh at the same time as they did. Then the Abbot of Turpenay +gracefully delivered himself of the following tale, the risky passages +of which he gave in a low, soft, flute-like voice:-- + +About a hundred years ago at the least, there occurred great quarrels +in Christendom because there were two popes at Rome, each one +pretending to be legitimately elected, which caused great annoyance to +the monasteries, abbeys, and bishoprics, since, in order to be +recognised by as many as possible, each of the two popes granted +titles and rights to each adherent, the which made double owners +everywhere. Under these circumstances, the monasteries and abbeys that +were at war with their neighbours would not recognise both the popes, +and found themselves much embarrassed by the other, who always gave +the verdict to the enemies of the Chapter. This wicked schism brought +about considerable mischief, and proved abundantly that error is worse +in Christianity than the adultery of the Church. + +Now at this time, when the devil was making havoc among our +possessions, the most illustrious abbey of Turpenay, of which I am at +present the unworthy ruler, had a heavy trial on concerning the +settlements of certain rights with the redoubtable Sire de Cande, an +idolatrous infidel, a relapsed heretic, and most wicked lord. This +devil, sent upon earth in the shape of a nobleman, was, to tell the +truth, a good soldier, well received at court, and a friend of the +Sieur Bureau de la Riviere; who was a person to whom the king was +exceedingly partial--King Charles the Fifth, of glorious memory. +Beneath the shelter of the favour of this Sieur de la Riviere, Lord of +Cande did exactly as he pleased in the valley of the Indre, where he +used to be master of everything, from Montbazon to Usse. You may be +sure that his neighbours were terribly afraid of him, and to save +their skulls let him have his way. They would, however, have preferred +him under the ground to above it, and heartily wished him bad luck; +but he troubled himself little about that. In the whole valley the +noble abbey alone showed fight to this demon, for it has always been a +doctrine of the Church to take into her lap the weak and suffering, +and use every effort to protect the oppressed, especially those whose +rights and privileges are menaced. + +For this reason this rough warrior hated monks exceedingly, especially +those of Turpenay, who would not allow themselves to be robbed of +their rights either by force or stratagem. He was well pleased at the +ecclesiastical schism, and waited the decision of our abbey, +concerning which pope they should choose, to pillage them, being quite +ready to recognise the one to whom the abbot of Turpenay should refuse +his obedience. Since his return to his castle, it was his custom to +torment and annoy the priests whom he encountered upon his domains in +such a manner, that a poor monk, surprised by him on his private road, +which was by the water-side, perceived no other method of safety then +to throw himself into the river, where, by a special miracle of the +Almighty, whom the good man fervently invoked, his gown floated him on +the Indre, and he made his way comfortably to the other side, which he +attained in full view of the lord of Cande, who was not ashamed to +enjoy the terrors of a servant of God. Now you see of what stuff this +horrid man was made. The abbot, to whom at that time, the care of our +glorious abbey was committed, led a most holy life, and prayed to God +with devotion; but he would have saved his own soul ten times, of such +good quality was his religion, before finding a chance to save the +abbey itself from the clutches of this wretch. Although he was very +perplexed, and saw the evil hour at hand, he relied upon God for +succour, saying that he would never allow the property of the Church +to be touched, and that He who had raised up the Princess Judith for +the Hebrews, and Queen Lucretia for the Romans, would keep his most +illustrious abbey of Turpenay, and indulged in other equally sapient +remarks. But his monks, who--to our shame I confess it--were +unbelievers, reproached him with his happy-go-lucky way of looking at +things, and declared that, to bring the chariot of Providence to the +rescue in time, all the oxen in the province would have to be yoked +it; that the trumpets of Jericho were no longer made in any portion of +the world; that God was disgusted with His creation, and would have +nothing more to do with it: in short, a thousand and one things that +were doubts and contumelies against God. + +At this desperate juncture there rose up a monk named Amador. This +name had been given him by way of a joke, since his person offered a +perfect portrait of the false god Aegipan. He was like him, strong in +the stomach; like him, had crooked legs; arms hairy as those of a +saddler, a back made to carry a wallet, a face as red as the phiz of a +drunkard, glistening eyes, a tangled beard, was hairy faced, and so +puffed out with fat and meat that you would have fancied him in an +interesting condition. You may be sure that he sung his matins on the +steps of the wine-cellar, and said his vespers in the vineyards of +Lord. He was as fond of his bed as a beggar with sores, and would go +about the valley fuddling, faddling, blessing the bridals, plucking +the grapes, and giving them to the girls to taste, in spite of the +prohibition of the abbot. In fact, he was a pilferer, a loiterer, and +a bad soldier of the ecclesiastical militia, of whom nobody in the +abbey took any notice, but let him do as he liked from motives of +Christian charity, thinking him mad. + +Amador, knowing that it was a question of the ruin of the Abbey, in +which he was as snug as a bug in a rug, put up his bristles, took +notice of this and of that, went into each of the cells, listened in +the refectory, shivered in his shoes, and declared that he would +attempt to save the abbey. He took cognisance of the contested points, +received from the abbot permission to postpone the case, and was +promised by the whole Chapter the Office of sub-prior if he succeeded +in putting an end to the litigation. Then he set off across the +country, heedless of the cruelty and ill-treatment of the Sieur de +Cande, saying that he had that within his gown which would subdue him. +He went his way with nothing but the said gown for his viaticum: but +then in it was enough fat to feed a dwarf. He selected to go to the +chateau, a day when it rained hard enough to fill the tubs of all the +housewives, and arrived without meeting a soul, in sight of Cande, and +looking like a drowned dog, stepped bravely into the courtyard, and +took shelter under a sty-roof to wait until the fury of the elements +had calmed down, and placed himself boldly in front of the room where +the owner of the chateau should be. A servant perceiving him while +laying the supper, took pity on him, and told him to make himself +scarce, otherwise his master would give him a horsewhipping, just to +open the conversation, and asked him what made him so bold as to enter +a house where monks were hated more than a red leper. + +"Ah!" said Amador, "I am on my way to Tours, sent thither by my lord +abbot. If the lord of Cande were not so bitter against the poor +servant of God, I should not be kept during such a deluge in the +courtyard, but in the house. I hope that he will find mercy in his +hour of need." + +The servant reported these words to his master, who at first wished to +have the monk thrown into the big trough of the castle among the other +filth. But the lady of Cande, who had great authority over her spouse, +and was respected by him, because through her he expected a large +inheritance, and because she was a little tyrannical, reprimanded him, +saying, that it was possible this monk was a Christian; that in such +weather thieves would succour an officer of justice; that, besides, it +was necessary to treat him well to find out to what decision the +brethren of Turpenay had come with regard to the schism business, and +that her advice was put an end by kindness and not by force to the +difficulties arisen between the abbey and the domain of Cande, because +no lord since the coming of Christ had ever been stronger than the +Church, and that sooner or later the abbey would ruin the castle; +finally, she gave utterance to a thousand wise arguments, such as +ladies use in the height of the storms of life, when they have had +about enough of them. Amador's face was so piteous, his appearance so +wretched, and so open to banter, that the lord, saddened by the +weather, conceived the idea of enjoying a joke at his expense, +tormenting him, playing tricks on him, and of giving him a lively +recollection of his reception at the chateau. Then this gentleman, who +had secret relations with his wife's maid, sent this girl, who was +called Perrotte, to put an end to his ill-will towards the luckless +Amador. As soon as the plot had been arranged between them, the wench, +who hated monks, in order to please her master, went to the monk, who +was standing under the pigsty, assuming a courteous demeanour in order +the better to please him, said-- + +"Holy father, the master of the house is ashamed to see a servant of +God out in the rain when there is room for him indoors, a good fire in +the chimney, and a table spread. I invite you in his name and that of +the lady of the house to step in." + +"I thank the lady and lord, not for their hospitality which is a +Christian thing, but for having sent as an ambassador to me, a poor +sinner, an angel of such delicate beauty that I fancy I see the Virgin +over our altar." + +Saying which, Amador raised his nose in the air, and saluted with the +two flakes of fire that sparkled in his bright eyes the pretty +maidservant, who thought him neither so ugly nor so foul, nor so +bestial; when, following Perrotte up the steps, Amador received on the +nose, cheeks, and other portions of his face a slash of the whip, +which made him see all the lights of the Magnificat, so well was the +dose administered by the Sieur de Cande, who, busy chastening his +greyhounds pretended not see the monk. He requested Amador to pardon +him this accident, and ran after the dogs who had caused the mischief +to his guest. The laughing servant, who knew what was coming, had +dexterously kept out of the way. Noticing this business, Amador +suspected the relations of Perrotte and the chevalier, concerning whom +it is possible that the lasses of the valley had already whispered +something into his ear. Of the people who were then in the room not +one made room for the man of God, who remained right in the draught +between the door and the window, where he stood freezing until the +moment when the Sieur de Cande, his wife, and his aged sister, +Mademoiselle de Cande, who had the charge of the young heiress of the +house, aged about sixteen years, came and sat in their chairs at the +head of the table, far from the common people, according to the old +custom usual among the lords of the period, much to their discredit. + +The Sieur de Cande, paying no attention to the monk, let him sit at +the extreme end of the table, in a corner, where two mischievous lads +had orders to squeeze and elbow him. Indeed these fellows worried his +feet, his body, and his arms like real torturers, poured white wine +into his goblet for water, in order to fuddle him, and the better to +amuse themselves with him; but they made him drink seven large jugfuls +without making belch, break wind, sweat or snort, which horrified them +exceedingly, especially as his eye remained as clear as crystal. +Encouraged, however, by a glance from their lord, they still kept +throwing, while bowing to him, gravy into his beard, and wiping it dry +in a manner to tear every hair of it out. The varlet who served a +caudle baptised his head with it, and took care to let the burning +liquor trickle down poor Amador's backbone. All this agony he endured +with meekness, because the spirit of God was in him, and also the hope +of finishing the litigation by holding out in the castle. +Nevertheless, the mischievous lot burst out into such roars of +laughter at the warm baptism given by the cook's lad to the soaked +monk, even the butler making jokes at his expense, that the lady of +Cande was compelled to notice what was going on at the end of the +table. Then she perceived Amador, who had a look of sublime +resignation upon his face, and was endeavouring to get something out +of the big beef bones that had been put upon his pewter platter. At +this moment the poor monk, who had administered a dexterous blow of +the knife to a big ugly bone, took it into his hairy hands, snapped it +in two, sucked the warm marrow out of it, and found it good. + +"Truly," said she to herself, "God has put great strength into this +monk!" + +At the same time she seriously forbade the pages, servants, and others +to torment the poor man, to whom out of mockery they had just given +some rotten apples and maggoty nuts. He, perceiving that the old lady +and her charge, the lady and the servants had seen him manoeuvring the +bone, pushed backed his sleeve, showed the powerful muscles of his +arm, placed nuts near his wrist on the bifurcation of the veins, and +crushed them one by one by pressing them with the palm of his hand so +vigorously that they appeared like ripe medlars. He also crunched them +between his teeth, white as the teeth of a dog, husk, shell, fruit, +and all, of which he made in a second a mash which he swallowed like +honey. He crushed them between two fingers, which he used like +scissors to cut them in two without a moment's hesitation. + +You may be sure that the women were silent, that the men believed the +devil to be in the monk; and had it not been for his wife and the +darkness of the night, the Sieur de Cande, having the fear of God +before his eyes, would have kicked him out of the house. Everyone +declared that the monk was a man capable of throwing the castle into +the moat. Therefore, as soon as everyone had wiped his mouth, my lord +took care to imprison this devil, whose strength was terrible to +behold, and had him conducted to a wretched little closet where +Perrotte had arranged her machine in order to annoy him during the +night. The tom-cats of the neighbourhood had been requested to come +and confess to him, invited to tell him their sins in embryo towards +the tabbies who attracted their affections, and also the little pigs +for whom fine lumps of tripe had been placed under the bed in order to +prevent them becoming monks, of which they were very desirous, by +disgusting them with the style of libera, which the monk would sing to +them. At every movement of poor Amador, who would find short +horse-hair in the sheets, he would bring down cold water on to the bed, +and a thousand other tricks were arranged, such are usually practised +in castles. Everyone went to bed in expectation of the nocturnal revels +of the monk, certain that they would not be disappointed, since he had +been lodged under the tiles at the top of a little tower, the guard of +the door of which was committed to dogs who howled for a bit of him. +In order to ascertain what language the conversations with the cats +and pigs would be carried on, the Sire came to stay with his dear +Perrotte, who slept in the next room. + +As soon as he found himself thus treated, Amador drew from his bag a +knife, and dexterously extricated himself. Then he began to listen in +order to find out the ways of the place, and heard the master of the +house laughing with his maid-servant. Suspecting their manoeuvres, he +waited till the moment when the lady of the house should be alone in +bed, and made his way into her room with bare feet, in order that his +sandals should not be in his secrets. He appeared to her by the light +of the lamp in the manner in which monks generally appear during the +night--that is, in a marvellous state, which the laity find it +difficult long to sustain; and the thing is an effect of the frock, +which magnifies everything. Then having let her see that he was all a +monk, he made the following little speech-- + +"Know, madame, that I am sent by Jesus and the Virgin Mary to warn you +to put an end to the improper perversities which are taking place--to +the injury of your virtue, which is treacherously deprived of your +husband's best attention, which he lavishes upon your maid. What is +the use of being a lady if the seigneurial dues are received +elsewhere. According to this, your servant is the lady and you are the +servant. Are not all the joys bestowed upon her due to you? You will +find them all amassed in our Holy Church, which is the consolation of +the afflicted. Behold in me the messenger, ready to pay these debts if +you do not renounce them." + +Saying this, the good monk gently loosened his girdle in which he was +incommoded, so much did he appear affected by the sight of those +beauties which the Sieur de Cande disdained. + +"If you speak truly, my father, I will submit to your guidance," said +she, springing lightly out of bed. "You are for sure, a messenger of +God, because you have been in a single day that which I had not +noticed here for a long time." + +Then she went, accompanied by Amador, whose holy robe she did not fail +to run her hand over, and was so struck when she found it real, that +she hoped to find her husband guilty; and indeed she heard him talking +about the monk in her servant's bed. Perceiving this felony, she went +into a furious rage and opened her mouth to resolve it into words-- +which is the usual method of women--and wished to kick up the devil's +delight before handing the girl over to justice. But Amador told her +that it would be more sensible to avenge herself first, and cry out +afterwards. + +"Avenge me quickly, then, my father," said she, "that I may begin to +cry out." + +Thereupon the monk avenged her most monastically with a good and ample +vengeance, that she indulged in as a drunkard who puts his lips to the +bunghole of a barrel; for when a lady avenges herself, she should get +drunk with vengeance, or not taste it at all. And the chatelaine was +revenged to that degree that she could not move; since nothing +agitates, takes away the breath, and exhausts, like anger and +vengeance. But although she were avenged, and doubly and trebly +avenged, yet would she not forgive, in order that she might reserve +the right of avenging herself with the monk, now here, now there. +Perceiving this love for vengeance, Amador promised to aid her in it +as long as her ire lasted, for he informed her that he knew in his +quality of a monk, constrained to meditate long on the nature of +things, an infinite number of modes, methods, and manners of +practicing revenge. + +Then he pointed out to her canonically what a Christian thing it is to +revenge oneself, because all through the Holy Scriptures God declares +Himself, above all things, to be a God of vengeance; and moreover, +demonstrates to us, by his establishment in the infernal regions, how +royally divine a thing vengeance is, since His vengeance is eternal. +From which it followed, that women with monks ought to revenge +themselves, under pain of not being Christians and faithful servants +of celestial doctrines. + +This dogma pleased the lady much, and she confessed that she had never +understood the commandments of the Church, and invited her +well-beloved monk to enlighten her thoroughly concerning them. Then +the chatelaine, whose vital spirits had been excited by the vengeance +which had refreshed them, went into the room where the jade was +amusing herself, and by chance found her with her hand where she, the +chatelaine, often had her eye--like the merchants have on their most +precious articles, in order to see that they were not stolen. They +were--according to President Lizet, when he was in a merry mood--a +couple taken in flagrant delectation, and looked dumbfounded, sheepish +and foolish. The sight that met her eyes displeased the lady beyond +the power of words to express, as it appeared by her discourse, of +which to roughness was similar to that of the water of a big pond when +the sluice-gates were opened. It was a sermon in three heads, +accompanied with music of a high gamut, varied in tones, with many +sharps among the keys. + +"Out upon virtue! my lord; I've had my share of it. You have shown me +that religion in conjugal faith is an abuse; this is then the reason +that I have no son. How many children have you consigned to this +common oven, this poor-box, this bottomless alms-purse, this leper's +porringer, the true cemetery of the House of Cande? I will know if I +am childless from a constitutional defect, or through your fault. I +will have handsome cavaliers, in order that I may have an heir. You +can get the bastards, I the legitimate children." + +"My dear," said the bewildered lord, "don't shout so." + +"But," replied the lady, "I will shout, and shout to make myself +heard, heard by the archbishop, heard by the legate, by the king, by +my brothers, who will avenge this infamy for me." + +"Do not dishonour your husband!" + +"This is dishonour then? You are right; but, my lord, it is not +brought about by you, but by this hussy, whom I will have sewn up in a +sack, and thrown into the Indre; thus your dishonour will be washed +away. Hi! there," she called out. + +"Silence, madame!" said the sire, as shamefaced as a blind man's dog; +because this great warrior, so ready to kill others, was like a child +in the hands of his wife, a state of affairs to which soldiers are +accustomed, because in them lies the strength and is found all the +dull carnality of matter; while, on the contrary, in woman is a subtle +spirit and a scintillation of perfumed flame that lights up paradise +and dazzles the male. This is the reason that certain women govern +their husbands, because mind is the master of matter. + +(At this the ladies began to laugh, as did also the king). + +"I will not be silent," said the lady of Cande (said the abbot, +continuing his tale); "I have been too grossly outraged. This, then, +is the reward of the wealth that I brought you, and of my virtuous +conduct! Did I ever refuse to obey you even during Lent, and on fast +days? Am I so cold as to freeze the sun? Do you think that I embrace +by force, from duty, or pure kindness of heart! Am I too hallowed for +you to touch? Am I a holy shrine? Was there need of a papal brief to +kiss me? God's truth! have you had so much of me that you are tired? +Am I not to your taste? Do charming wenches know more than ladies? Ha! +perhaps it is so, since she has let you work in the field without +sowing. Teach me the business; I will practice it with those whom I +take into my service, for it is settled that I am free. That is as we +should be. Your society was wearisome, and the little pleasure I +derived from it cost me too dear. Thank God! I am quit of you and your +whims, because I intend to retire to a monastery." . . . She meant to +say a convent, but this avenging monk had perverted her tongue. + +"And I shall be more comfortable in this monastery with my daughter, +than in this place of abominable wickedness. You can inherit from your +wench. Ha, ha! The fine lady of Cande! Look at her!" + +"What is the matter?" said Amador, appearing suddenly upon the scene. + +"The matter is, my father," replied she, "that my wrongs cry aloud for +vengeance. To begin with, I shall have this trollop thrown into the +river, sewn up in a sack, for having diverted the seed of the House of +Cande from its proper channel. It will be saving the hangman a job. +For the rest I will--" + +"Abandon your anger, my daughter," said the monk. "It is commanded us +by the Church to forgive those who trespass against us, if we would +find favour in the side of Heaven, because you pardon those who also +pardon others. God avenges himself eternally on those who have avenged +themselves, but keeps in His paradise those who have pardoned. From +that comes the jubilee, which is a day of great rejoicing, because all +debts and offences are forgiven. Thus it is a source of happiness to +pardon. Pardon! Pardon! To pardon is a most holy work. Pardon +Monseigneur de Cande, who will bless you for your gracious clemency, +and will henceforth love you much; This forgiveness will restore to +you the flower of youth; and believe, my dear sweet young lady, that +forgiveness is in certain cases the best means of vengeance. Pardon +your maid-servant, who will pray heaven for you. Thus God, supplicated +by all, will have you in His keeping, and will bless you with male +lineage for this pardon." + +Thus saying, the monk took the hand of the sire, placed it in that of +the lady, and added-- + +"Go and talk over the pardon." + +And then he whispered into the husband's ears this sage advice-- + +"My lord, use your best argument, and you will silence her with it, +because a woman's mouth it is only full of words when she is empty +elsewhere. Argue continually, and thus you will always have the upper +hand of your wife." + +"By the body of the Jupiter! There's good in this monk after all," +said the seigneur, as he went out. + +As soon as Amador found himself alone with Perrotte he spoke to her, +as follows-- + +"You are to blame, my dear, for having wished to torment a poor +servant of God; therefore are you now the object of celestial wrath, +which will fall upon you. To whatever place you fly it will always +follow you, will seize upon you in every limb, even after your death, +and will cook you like a pasty in the oven of hell, where you will +simmer eternally, and every day you will receive seven hundred +thousand million lashes of the whip, for the one I received through +you." + +"Ah! holy Father," said the wench, casting herself at the monk's feet, +"you alone can save me, for in your gown I should be sheltered from +the anger of God." + +Saying this, she raised the robe to place herself beneath it, and +exclaimed-- + +"By my faith! monks are better than knights." + +"By the sulphur of the devil! You are not acquainted with the monks?" + +"No," said Perrotte. + +"And you don't know the service that monks sing without saying a +word?" + +"No." + +Thereupon the monk went through this said service for her, as it is +sung on great feast days, with all the grand effects used in +monasteries, the psalms well chanted in f major, the flaming tapers, +and the choristers, and explained to her the _Introit_, and also the +_ite missa est_, and departed, leaving her so sanctified that the +wrath of heaven would have great difficulty in discovering any portion +of the girl that was not thoroughly monasticated. + +By his orders, Perrotte conducted him to Mademoiselle de Cande, the +lord's sister, to whom he went in order to learn if it was her desire +to confess to him, because monks came so rarely to the castle. The +lady was delighted, as would any good Christian have been, at such a +chance of clearing out her conscience. Amador requested her to show +him her conscience, and she having allowed him to see that which he +considered the conscience of old maids, he found it in a bad state, +and told her that the sins of women were accomplished there; that to +be for the future without sin it was necessary to have the conscience +corked up by a monk's indulgence. The poor ignorant lady having +replied that she did not know where these indulgences were to be had, +the monk informed her that he had a relic with him which enabled him +to grant one, that nothing was more indulgent than this relic, because +without saying a word it produced infinite pleasures, which is the +true, eternal and primary character of an indulgence. The poor lady +was so pleased with this relic, the virtue of which she tried in +various ways, that her brain became muddled, and she had so much faith +in it that she indulged as devoutly in indulgences as the Lady of +Cande had indulged in vengeances. This business of confession woke up +the younger Demoiselle de Cande, who came to watch the proceedings. +You may imagine that the monk had hoped for this occurrence, since his +mouth had watered at the sight of this fair blossom, whom he also +confessed, because the elder lady could not hinder him from bestowing +upon the younger one, who wished it, what remained of the indulgences. +But, remember, this pleasure was due to him for the trouble he had +taken. The morning having dawned, the pigs having eaten their tripe, +and the cats having become disenchanted with love, and having watered +all the places rubbed with herbs, Amador went to rest himself in his +bed, which Perrotte had put straight again. Every one slept, thanks to +the monk, so long, that no one in the castle was up before noon, which +was the dinner hour. The servants all believed the monk to be a devil +who had carried off the cats, the pigs, and also their masters. In +spite of these ideas however, every one was in the room at meal time. + +"Come, my father," said the chatelaine, giving her arm to the monk, +whom she put at her side in the baron's chair, to the great +astonishment of the attendants, because the Sire of Cande said not a +word. "Page, give some of this to Father Amador," said madame. + +"Father Amador has need of so and so," said the Demoiselle de Cande. + +"Fill up Father Amador's goblet," said the sire. + +"Father Amador has no bread," said the little lady. + +"What do you require, Father Amador?" said Perrotte. + +It was Father Amador here, and Father Amador there. He was regaled +like a little maiden on her wedding night. + +"Eat, father," said madame; "you made such a bad meal yesterday." + +"Drink, father," said the sire. "You are, s'blood! the finest monk I +have ever set eyes on." + +"Father Amador is a handsome monk," said Perrotte. + +"An indulgent monk," said the demoiselle. + +"A beneficent monk," said the little one. + +"A great monk," said the lady. + +"A monk who well deserves his name," said the clerk of the castle. + +Amador munched and chewed, tried all the dishes, lapped up the +hypocras, licked his chops, sneezed, blew himself out, strutted and +stamped about like a bull in a field. The others regarded him with +great fear, believing him to be a magician. Dinner over, the Lady of +Cande, the demoiselle, and the little one, besought the Sire of Cande +with a thousand fine arguments, to terminate the litigation. A great +deal was said to him by madame, who pointed out to him how useful a +monk was in a castle; by mademoiselle, who wished for the future to +polish up her conscience every day; by the little one, who pulled her +father's beard, and asked that this monk might always be at Cande. If +ever the difference were arranged, it would be by the monk: the monk +was of a good understanding, gentle and virtuous as a saint; it was a +misfortune to be at enmity with a monastery containing such monks. If +all the monks were like him, the abbey would always have everywhere +the advantage of the castle, and would ruin it, because this monk was +very strong. Finally, they gave utterance to a thousand reasons, which +were like a deluge of words, and were so pluvially showered down that +the sire yielded, saying, that there would never be a moment's peace +in the house until matters were settled to the satisfaction of the +women. Then he sent for the clerk, who wrote down for him, and also +for the monk. Then Amador surprised them exceedingly by showing them +the charters and the letters of credit, which would prevent the sire +and his clerk delaying this agreement. When the Lady of Cande saw them +about to put an end to this old case, she went to the linen chest to +get some fine cloth to make a new gown for her dear Amador. Every one +in the house had noticed how this old gown was worn, and it would have +been a great shame to leave such a treasure in such a worn-out case. +Everyone was eager to work at the gown. Madame cut it, the servant put +the hood on, the demoiselle sewed it, and the little demoiselle worked +at the sleeves. And all set so heartily to work to adorn the monk, +that the robe was ready by supper time, as was also the charter of +agreement prepared and sealed by the Sire de Cande. + +"Ah, my father!" said the lady, "if you love us, you will refresh +yourself after your merry labour by washing yourself in a bath that I +have had heated by Perrotte." + +Amador was then bathed in scented water. When he came out he found a +new robe of fine linen and lovely sandals ready for him, which made +him appear the most glorious monk in the world. + +Meanwhile the monks of Turpenay fearing for Amador, had ordered two of +their number to spy about the castle. These spies came round by the +moat, just as Perrotte threw Amador's greasy old gown, with other +rubbish, into it. Seeing which, they thought that it was all over with +the poor madman. They therefore returned, and announced that it was +certain Amador had suffered martyrdom in the service of the abbey. +Hearing which the abbot ordered them to assemble in the chapel and +pray to God, in order to assist this devoted servant in his torments. +The monk having supped, put his charter into his girdle, and wished to +return to Turpenay. Then he found at the foot of the steps madame's +mare, bridled and saddled, and held ready for him by a groom. The lord +had ordered his men-at-arms to accompany the good monk, so that no +accident might befall him. Seeing which, Amador pardoned the tricks of +the night before, and bestowed his benediction upon every one before +taking his departure from this converted place. Madame followed him +with her eyes, and proclaimed him a splendid rider. Perrotte declared +that for a monk he held himself more upright in the saddle than any of +the men-at-arms. Mademoiselle de Cande sighed. The little one wished +to have him for her confessor. + +"He has sanctified the castle," said they, when they were in the room +again. + +When Amador and his suite came to the gates of the abbey, a scene of +terror ensued, since the guardian thought that the Sire de Cande had +had his appetite for monks whetted by the blood of poor Amador, and +wished to sack the abbey. But Amador shouted with his fine bass voice, +and was recognised and admitted into the courtyard; and when he +dismounted from madame's mare there was enough uproar to make the +monks as a wild as April moons. They gave vent to shouts of joy in the +refectory, and all came to congratulate Amador, who waved the charter +over his head. The men-at-arms were regaled with the best wine in the +cellars, which was a present made to the monks of Turpenay by those of +Marmoustier, to whom belonged the lands of Vouvray. The good abbot +having had the document of the Sieur de Cande read, went about +saying-- + +"On these divine occasions there always appears the finger of God, to +whom we should render thanks." + +As the good abbot kept on at the finger of God, when thanking Amador, +the monk, annoyed to see the instrument of their delivery thus +diminished, said to him-- + +"Well, say that it is the arm, my father, and drop the subject." + +The termination of the trial between the Sieur de Cande and the abbey +of Turpenay was followed by a blessing which rendered him devoted to +the Church, because nine months after he had a son. Two years +afterwards Amador was chosen as abbot by the monks, who reckoned upon +a merry government with a madcap. But Amador become an abbot, became +steady and austere, because he had conquered his evil desires by his +labours, and recast his nature at the female forge, in which is that +fire which is the most perfecting, persevering, persistent, +perdurable, permanent, perennial, and permeating fire that there ever +was in the world. It is a fire to ruin everything, and it ruined so +well the evil that was in Amador, that it left only that which it +could not eat--that is, his wit, which was as clear as a diamond, +which is, as everyone knows, a residue of the great fire by which our +globe was formerly carbonised. Amador was then the instrument chosen +by Providence to reform our illustrious abbey, since he put everything +right there, watched night and day over his monks, made them all rise +at the hours appointed for prayers, counted them in chapel as a +shepherd counts his sheep, kept them well in hand, and punished their +faults severely, that he made them most virtuous brethren. + +This teaches us to look upon womankind more as the instruments of our +salvation than of our pleasure. Besides which, this narrative teaches +us that we should never attempt to struggle with the Churchmen. + +The king and the queen had found this tale in the best taste; the +courtiers confessed that they had never heard a better; and the ladies +would all willingly have been the heroines of it. + + + + BERTHA THE PENITENT + +I +HOW BERTHA REMAINED A MAIDEN IN THE MARRIED STATE + +About the time of the first flight of the Dauphin, which threw our +good Sire, Charles the Victorious, into a state of great dejection, +there happened a great misfortune to a noble House of Touraine, since +extinct in every branch; and it is owing to this fact that this most +deplorable history may now be safely brought to light. To aid him in +this work the author calls to his assistance the holy confessors, +martyrs, and other celestial dominations, who, by the commandments of +God, were the promoters of good in this affair. + +From some defect in his character, the Sire Imbert de Bastarnay, one +of the most landed lords in our land of Touraine, had no confidence in +the mind of the female of man, whom he considered much too animated, +on account of her numerous vagaries, and it may be he was right. In +consequence of this idea he reached his old age without a companion, +which was certainly not to his advantage. Always leading a solitary +life, this said man had no idea of making himself agreeable to others, +having only been mixed up with wars and the orgies of bachelors, with +whom he did not put himself out of the way. Thus he remained stale in +his garments, sweaty in his accoutrements, with dirty hands and an +apish face. In short, he looked the ugliest man in Christendom. As far +as regards his person only though, since so far as his heart, his +head, and other secret places were concerned, he had properties which +rendered him most praiseworthy. An angel (pray believe this) would +have walked a long way without meeting an old warrior firmer at his +post, a lord with more spotless scutcheon, of shorter speech, and more +perfect loyalty. + +Certain people have stated, they have heard that he gave sound advice, +and was a good and profitable man to consult. Was it not a strange +freak on the part of God, who plays sometimes jokes on us, to have +granted so many perfections to a man so badly apparelled? + +When he was sixty in appearance, although only fifty in years, he +determined to take unto himself a wife, in order to obtain lineage. +Then, while foraging about for a place where he might be able to find +a lady to his liking, he heard much vaunted, the great merits and +perfections of a daughter of the illustrious house of Rohan, which at +that time had some property in the province. The young lady in +question was called Bertha, that being her pet name. Imbert having +been to see her at the castle of Montbazon, was, in consequence of the +prettiness and innocent virtue of the said Bertha de Rohan, seized +with so great a desire to possess her, that he determined to make her +his wife, believing that never could a girl of such lofty descent fail +in her duty. This marriage was soon celebrated, because the Sire de +Rohan had seven daughters, and hardly knew how to provide for them +all, at a time when people were just recovering from the late wars, +and patching up their unsettled affairs. Now the good man Bastarnay +happily found Bertha really a maiden, which fact bore witness to her +proper bringing up and perfect maternal correction. So immediately the +night arrived when it should be lawful for him to embrace her, he got +her with a child so roughly that he had proof of the result two months +after marriage, which rendered the Sire Imbert joyful to a degree. In +order that we may here finish with this portion of the story, let us +at once state that from this legitimate grain was born the Sire de +Bastarnay, who was Duke by the grace of Louis the Eleventh, his +chamberlain, and more than that, his ambassador in the countries of +Europe, and well-beloved of this most redoubtable lord, to whom he +was never faithless. His loyalty was an heritage from his father, who +from his early youth was much attached to the Dauphin, whose fortunes +he followed, even in the rebellions, since he was a man to put Christ +on the cross again if it had been required by him to do so, which is +the flower of friendship rarely to be found encompassing princes and +great people. At first, the fair lady of Bastarnay comported herself +so loyally that her society caused those thick vapours and black +clouds to vanish, which obscured the mind of this great man, the +brightness of the feminine glory. Now, according to the custom of +unbelievers, he passed from suspicion to confidence so thoroughly, +that he yielded up the government of his house to the said Bertha, +made her mistress of his deeds and actions, queen of his honour, +guardian of his grey hairs, and would have slaughtered without a +contest any one who had said an evil word concerning this mirror of +virtue, on whom no breath had fallen save the breath issued from his +conjugal and marital lips, cold and withered as they were. To speak +truly on all points, it should be explained, that to this virtuous +behaviour considerably aided the little boy, who during six years +occupied day and night the attention of his pretty mother, who first +nourished him with her milk, and made of him a lover's lieutenant, +yielding to him her sweet breasts, which he gnawed at, hungry, as +often as he would, and was, like a lover, always there. This good +mother knew no other pleasures than those of his rosy lips, had no +other caresses that those of his tiny little hands, which ran about +her like the feet of playful mice, read no other book than that in his +clear baby eyes, in which the blue sky was reflected, and listened to +no other music than his cries, which sounded in her ears as angels' +whispers. You may be sure that she was always fondling him, had a +desire to kiss him at dawn of day, kissed him in the evening, would +rise in the night to eat him up with kisses, made herself a child as +he was a child, educated him in the perfect religion of maternity; +finally, behaved as the best and happiest mother that ever lived, +without disparagement to our Lady the Virgin, who could have had +little trouble in bringing up our Saviour, since he was God. + +This employment and the little taste which Bertha had for the blisses +of matrimony much delighted the old man, since he would have been +unable to return the affection of a too amorous wife, and desired to +practice economy, to have the wherewithal for a second child. + +After six years had passed away, the mother was compelled to give her +son into the hands of the grooms and other persons to whom Messire de +Bastarnay committed the task to mould him properly, in order that his +heir should have an heritage of the virtues, qualities and courage of +the house, as well as the domains and the name. Then did Bertha shed +many tears, her happiness being gone. For the great heart of this +mother it was nothing to have this well-beloved son after others, and +during only certain short fleeting hours. Therefore she became sad and +melancholy. Noticing her grief, the good man wished to bestow upon her +another child and could not, and the poor lady was displeased thereat, +because she declared that the making of a child wearied her much and +cost her dear. And this is true, or no doctrine is true, and you must +burn the Gospels as a pack of stories if you have not faith in this +innocent remark. + +This, nevertheless, to certain ladies (I did not mention men, since +they have a smattering of the science), will still seem an untruth. +The writer has taken care here to give the mute reasons for this +strange antipathy; I mean the distastes of Bertha, because I love the +ladies above all things, knowing that for want of the pleasure of +love, my face would grow old and my heart torment me. Did you ever +meet a scribe so complacent and so fond of the ladies as I am? No; of +course not. Therefore, do I love them devotedly, but not so often as I +could wish, since I have oftener in my hands my goose-quill than I +have the barbs with which one tickles their lips to make them laugh +and be merry in all innocence. I understand them, and in this way. + +The good man Bastarnay was not a smart young fellow of an amorous +nature, and acquainted with the pranks of the thing. He did not +trouble himself much about the fashion in which he killed a soldier so +long as he killed him; that he would have killed him in all ways +without saying a word in battle, is, of course, understood. The +perfect heedlessness in the matter of death was in accordance with the +nonchalance in the matter of life, the birth and manner of begetting a +child, and the ceremonies thereto appertaining. The good sire was +ignorant of the many litigious, dilatory, interlocutory and +proprietary exploits and the little humourings of the little fagots +placed in the oven to heat it; of the sweet perfumed branches gathered +little by little in the forests of love, fondlings, coddlings, +huggings, nursing, the bites at the cherry, the cat-licking, and other +little tricks and traffic of love which ruffians know, which lovers +preserve, and which the ladies love better than their salvation, +because there is more of the cat than the woman in them. This shines +forth in perfect evidence in their feminine ways. If you think it +worth while watching them, examine them attentively while they eat: +not one of them (I am speaking of women, noble and well-educated) puts +her knife in the eatables and thrusts it into her mouth, as do +brutally the males; no, they turn over their food, pick the pieces +that please them as they would gray peas in a dovecote; they suck the +sauces by mouthfuls; play with their knife and spoon as if they are +only ate in consequence of a judge's order, so much do they dislike to +go straight to the point, and make free use of variations, finesse, +and little tricks in everything, which is the especial attribute of +these creatures, and the reason that the sons of Adam delight in them, +since they do everything differently to themselves, and they do well. +You think so too. Good! I love you. + +Now then, Imbert de Bastarnay, an old soldier, ignorant of the tricks +of love, entered into the sweet garden of Venus as he would into a +place taken by assault, without giving any heed to the cries of the +poor inhabitants in tears, and placed a child as he would an arrow in +the dark. Although the gentle Bertha was not used to such treatment +(poor child, she was but fifteen), she believed in her virgin faith, +that the happiness of becoming a mother demanded this terrible, +dreadful bruising and nasty business; so during his painful task she +would pray to God to assist her, and recite _Aves_ to our Lady, +esteeming her lucky, in only having the Holy Ghost to endure. By this +means, never having experienced anything but pain in marriage, she +never troubled her husband to go through the ceremony again. Now +seeing that the old fellow was scarcely equal to it--as has been +before stated--she lived in perfect solitude, like a nun. She hated +the society of men, and never suspected that the Author of the world +had put so much joy in that from which she had only received infinite +misery. But she loved all the more her little one, who had cost her so +much before he was born. Do not be astonished, therefore, that she +held aloof from that gallant tourney in which it is the mare who +governs her cavalier, guides him, fatigues him, and abuses him, if he +stumbles. This is the true history of certain unhappy unions, +according to the statement of the old men and women, and the certain +reason of the follies committed by certain women, who too late +perceive, I know not how, that they have been deceived, and attempt to +crowd into a day more time than it will hold, to have their proper +share of life. That is philosophical, my friends. Therefore study well +this page, in order that you may wisely look to the proper government +of your wives, your sweethearts, and all females generally, and +particularly those who by chance may be under your care, from which +God preserve you. + +Thus a virgin in deed, although a mother, Bertha was in her +one-and-twentieth year a castle flower, the glory of her good man, +and the honour of the province. The said Bastarnay took great pleasure +in beholding this child come, go, and frisk about like a willow-switch, +as lively as an eel, as innocent as her little one, and still most +sensible and of sound understanding; so much so that he never +undertook any project without consulting her about it, seeing that if +the minds of these angels have not been disturbed in their purity, +they give a sound answer to everything one asks of them. At this time +Bertha lived near the town of Loches, in the castle of her lord, and +there resided, with no desire to do anything but look after her +household duties, after the old custom of the good housewives, from +which the ladies of France were led away when Queen Catherine and the +Italians came with their balls and merry-makings. To these practices +Francis the First and his successors, whose easy ways did as much harm +to the State of France as the goings on of the Protestants lent their +aid. This, however, has nothing to do with my story. + +About this time the lord and lady of Bastarnay were invited by the +king to come to his town of Loches, where for the present he was with +his court, in which the beauty of the lady of Bastarnay had made a +great noise. Bertha came to Loches, received many kind praises from +the king, was the centre of the homage of all the young nobles, who +feasted their eyes on this apple of love, and of the old ones, who +warmed themselves at this sun. But you may be sure that all of them, +old and young, would have suffered death a thousand times over to have +at their service this instrument of joy, which dazzled their eyes and +muddled their brains. Bertha was more talked about in Loches then +either God or the Gospels, which enraged a great many ladies who were +not so bountifully endowed with charms, and would have given all that +was left of their honour to have sent back to her castle this fair +gatherer of smiles. + +A young lady having early perceived that one of her lovers was smitten +with Bertha, took such a hatred to her that from it arose all the +misfortunes of the lady of Bastarnay; but also from the same source +came her happiness, and her discovery of the gentle land of love, of +which she was ignorant. This wicked lady had a relation who had +confessed to her, directly he saw Bertha, that to be her lover he +would be willing to die after a month's happiness with her. Bear in +mind that this cousin was as handsome as a girl is beautiful, had no +hair on his chin, would have gained his enemy's forgiveness by asking +for it, so melodious was his young voice, and was scarcely twenty +years of age. + +"Dear cousin," said she to him, "leave the room, and go to your house; +I will endeavour to give you this joy. But do not let yourself be seen +by her, nor by that old baboon-face by an error of nature on a +Christian's body, and to whom belongs this beauteous fay." + +The young gentleman out of the way, the lady came rubbing her +treacherous nose against Bertha's, and called her "My friend, my +treasure, my star of beauty"; trying every way to be agreeable to her, +to make her vengeance more certain on the poor child who, all +unwittingly, had caused her lover's heart to be faithless, which, for +women ambitious in love, is the worst of infidelities. After a little +conversation, the plotting lady suspected that poor Bertha was a +maiden in matters of love, when she saw her eyes full of limpid water, +no marks on the temples, no little black speck on the point of her +little nose, white as snow, where usually the marks of the amusement +are visible, no wrinkle on her brow; in short, no habit of pleasure +apparent on her face--clear as the face of an innocent maiden. Then +this traitress put certain women's questions to her, and was perfectly +assured by the replies of Bertha, that if she had had the profit of +being a mother, the pleasures of love had been denied to her. At this +she rejoiced greatly on her cousin's behalf--like the good woman she +was. + +Then she told her, that in the town of Loches there lived a young and +noble lady, of the family of a Rohan, who at that time had need of the +assistance of a lady of position to be reconciled with the Sire Louis +de Rohan; that if she had as much goodness as God had given her +beauty, she would take her with her to the castle, ascertain for +herself the sanctity of her life, and bring about a reconciliation +with the Sire de Rohan, who refused to receive her. To this Bertha +consented without hesitation, because the misfortunes of this girl +were known to her, but not the poor young lady herself, whose name was +Sylvia, and whom she had believed to be in a foreign land. + +It is here necessary to state why the king had given this invitation +to the Sire de Bastarnay. He had a suspicion of the first flight of +his son the Dauphin into Burgundy, and wished to deprive him of so +good a counsellor as was the said Bastarnay. But the veteran, faithful +to young Louis, had already, without saying a word, made up his mind. +Therefore he took Bertha back to his castle; but before they set out +she told him she had taken a companion and introduced her to him. It +was the young lord, disguised as a girl, with the assistance of his +cousin, who was jealous of Bertha, and annoyed at her virtue. Imbert +drew back a little when he learned that it was Sylvia de Rohan, but +was also much affected at the kindness of Bertha, whom he thanked for +her attempt to bring a little wandering lamb back to the fold. He made +much of his wife, when his last night at home came, left men-at-arms +about his castle, and then set out with the Dauphin for Burgundy, +having a cruel enemy in his bosom without suspecting it. The face of +the young lad was unknown to him, because he was a young page come to +see the king's court, and who had been brought up by the Cardinal +Dunois, in whose service he was a knight-bachelor. + +The old lord, believing that he was a girl, thought him very modest +and timid, because the lad, doubting the language of his eyes, kept +them always cast down; and when Bertha kissed him on the mouth, he +trembled lest his petticoat might be indiscreet, and would walk away +to the window, so fearful was he of being recognised as a man by +Bastarnay, and killed before he had made love to the lady. + +Therefore he was as joyful as any lover would have been in his place, +when the portcullis was lowered, and the old lord galloped away across +the country. He had been in such suspense that he made a vow to build +a pillar at his own expense in the cathedral at Tours, because he had +escaped the danger of his mad scheme. He gave, indeed, fifty gold +marks to pay God for his delight. But by chance he had to pay for it +over again to the devil, as it appears from the following facts if the +tale pleases you well enough to induce you to follow the narrative, +which will be succinct, as all good speeches should be. + + +II +HOW BERTHA BEHAVED, KNOWING THE BUSINESS OF LOVE + +This bachelor was the young Sire Jehan de Sacchez, cousin of the Sieur +de Montmorency, to whom, by the death of the said Jehan, the fiefs of +Sacchez and other places would return, according to the deed of +tenure. He was twenty years of age and glowed like a burning coal; +therefore you may be sure that he had a hard job to get through the +first day. While old Imbert was galloping across the fields, the two +cousins perched themselves under the lantern of the portcullis, in +order to keep him the longer in view, and waved him signals of +farewells. When the clouds of dust raised by the heels of the horses +were no longer visible upon the horizon, they came down and went into +the great room of the castle. + +"What shall we do, dear cousin?" said Bertha to the false Sylvia. "Do +you like music? We will play together. Let us sing the lay of some +sweet ancient bard. Eh? What do you say? Come to my organ; come along. +As you love me, sing!" + +Then she took Jehan by the hand and led him to the keyboard of the +organ, at which the young fellow seated himself prettily, after the +manner of women. "Ah! sweet coz," cried Bertha, as soon as the first +notes tried, the lad turned his head towards her, in order that they +might sing together. "Ah! sweet coz you have a wonderful glance in +your eye; you move I know not what in my heart." + +"Ah! cousin," replied the false Sylvia, "that it is which has been my +ruin. A sweet milord of the land across the sea told me so often that +I had fine eyes, and kissed them so well, that I yielded, so much +pleasure did I feel in letting them be kissed." + +"Cousin, does love then, commence in the eyes?" + +"In them is the forge of Cupid's bolts, my dear Bertha," said the +lover, casting fire and flame at her. + +"Let us go on with our singing." + +They then sang, by Jehan's desire, a lay of Christine de Pisan, every +word of which breathed love. + +"Ah! cousin, what a deep and powerful voice you have. It seems to +pierce me." + +"Where?" said the impudent Sylvia. + +"There," replied Bertha, touching her little diaphragm, where the +sounds of love are understood better than by the ears, but the +diaphragm lies nearer the heart, and that which is undoubtedly the +first brain, the second heart, and the third ear of the ladies. I say +this, with all respect and with all honour, for physical reasons and +for no others. + +"Let us leave off singing," said Bertha; "it has too great an effect +upon me. Come to the window; we can do needlework until the evening." + +"Ah! dear cousin of my soul, I don't know how to hold the needle in my +fingers, having been accustomed, to my perdition to do something else +with them." + +"Eh! what did you do then all day long?" + +"Ah! I yielded to the current of love, which makes days seem Instants, +months seem days, and years months; and if it could last, would gulp +down eternity like a strawberry, seeing that it is all youth and +fragrance, sweetness and endless joy." + +Then the youth dropped his beautiful eyelids over his eyes, and +remained as melancholy as a poor lady who has been abandoned by her +lover, who weeps for him, wishes to kiss him, and would pardon his +perfidy, if he would but seek once again the sweet path to his +once-loved fold. + +"Cousin, does love blossom in the married state?" + +"Oh no," said Sylvia; "because in the married state everything is +duty, but in love everything is done in perfect freedom of heart. This +difference communicates an indescribable soft balm to those caresses +which are the flowers of love." + +"Cousin, let us change the conversation; it affects me more than did +the music." + +She called hastily to a servant to bring her boy to her, who came, and +when Sylvia saw him, she exclaimed-- + +"Ah! the little dear, he is as beautiful as love." + +Then she kissed him heartily upon the forehead. + +"Come, my little one," said the mother, as the child clambered into +her lap. "Thou art thy mother's blessing, her unclouded joy, the +delight of her every hour, her crown, her jewel, her own pure pearl, +her spotless soul, her treasure, her morning and evening star, her +only flame, and her heart's darling. Give me thy hands, that I may eat +them; give me thine ears, that I may bite them; give me thy head, that +I may kiss thy curls. Be happy sweet flower of my body, that I may be +happy too." + +"Ah! cousin," said Sylvia, "you are speaking the language of love to +him." + +"Love is a child then?" + +"Yes, cousin; therefore the heathen always portrayed him as a little +boy." + +And with many other remarks fertile in the imagery of love, the two +pretty cousins amused themselves until supper time, playing with the +child. + +"Would you like to have another?" whispered Jehan, at an opportune +moment, into his cousin's ear, which he touched with his warm lips. + +"Ah! Sylvia! for that I would ensure a hundred years of purgatory, if +it would only please God to give me that joy. But in spite of the +work, labour, and industry of my spouse, which causes me much pain, my +waist does not vary in size. Alas! It is nothing to have but one +child. If I hear the sound of a cry in the castle, my heart beats +ready to burst. I fear man and beast alike for this innocent darling; +I dread volts, passes, and manual exercises; in fact, I dread +everything. I live not in myself, but in him alone. And, alas! I like +to endure these miseries, because when I fidget, and tremble, it is a +sign that my offspring is safe and sound. To be brief--for I am never +weary of talking on this subject--I believe that my breath is in him, +and not in myself." + +With these words she hugged him to her breasts, as only mothers know +how to hug children, with a spiritual force that is felt only in their +hearts. If you doubt this, watch a cat carrying her kittens in her +mouth, not one of them gives a single mew. The youthful gallant, who +had certain fears about watering this fair, unfertile plain, was +reassured by this speech. He thought then that it would only be +following the commandments of God to win this saint to love; and he +thought right. At night Bertha asked her cousin--according to the old +custom, to which the ladies of our day object--to keep her company in +her big seigneurial bed. To which request Sylvia replied--in order to +keep up the role of a well-born maiden--that nothing would give her +greater pleasure. The curfew rang, and found the two cousins in a +chamber richly ornamented with carpeting, fringes, and royal +tapestries, and Bertha began gracefully to disarray herself, assisted +by her women. You can imagine that her companion modestly declined +their services, and told her cousin, with a little blush, that she was +accustomed to undress herself ever since she had lost the services of +her dearly beloved, who had put her out of conceit with feminine +fingers by his gentle ways; that these preparations brought back the +pretty speeches he used to make, and his merry pranks while playing +the lady's-maid; and that to her injury, the memory of all these +things brought the water into her mouth. + +This discourse considerably astonished the lady Bertha, who let her +cousin say her prayers, and make other preparations for the night +beneath the curtains of the bed, into which my lord, inflamed with +desire, soon tumbled, happy at being able to catch an occasional +glimpse of the wondrous charms of the chatelaine, which were in no way +injured. Bertha, believing herself to be with an experienced girl, did +not omit any of the usual practices; she washed her feet, not minding +whether she raised them little or much, exposed her delicate little +shoulders, and did as all the ladies do when they are retiring to +rest. At last she came to bed, and settled herself comfortably in it, +kissing her cousin on the lips, which she found remarkably warm. + +"Are you unwell, Sylvia, that you burn so?" said she. + +"I always burn like that when I go to bed," replied her companion, +"because at that time there comes back to my memory the pretty little +tricks that he invented to please me, and which make me burn still +more." + +"Ah! cousin, tell me all about this he. Tell all the sweets of love to +me, who live beneath the shadow of a hoary head, of which the snows +keep me from such warm feelings. Tell me all; you are cured. It will +be a good warning to me, and then your misfortunes will have been a +salutary lesson to two poor weak women." + +"I do not know I ought to obey you, sweet cousin," said the youth. + +"Tell me, why not?" + +"Ah! deeds are better than words," said the false maiden, heaving a +deep sigh as the _ut_ of an organ. "But I am afraid that this milord +has encumbered me with so much joy that you may get a little of it, +which would be enough to give you a daughter, since the power of +engendering is weakened in me." + +"But," said Bertha, "between us, would it be a sin?" + +"It would be, on the contrary, a joy both here and in heaven; the +angels would shed their fragrance around you, and make sweet music in +your ears." + +"Tell me quickly, then," said Bertha. + +"Well, then, this is how my dear lord made my heart rejoice." + +With these words Jehan took Bertha in his arms, and strained her +hungering to his heart, for in the soft light of the lamp, and clothed +with the spotless linen, she was in this tempting bed, like the pretty +petals of a lily at the bottom of the virgin calyx. + +"When he held me as I hold thee he said to me, with a voice far +sweeter than mine, 'Ah, Bertha, thou art my eternal love, my priceless +treasure, my joy by day and my joy by night; thou art fairer than the +day is day; there is naught so pretty as thou art. I love thee more +than God, and would endure a thousand deaths for the happiness I ask +of thee!' Then he would kiss me, not after the manner of husbands, +which is rough, but in a peculiar dove-like fashion." + +To show her there and then how much better was the method of lovers, +he sucked all the honey from Bertha's lips, and taught her how, with +her pretty tongue, small and rosy as that of a cat, she could speak to +the heart without saying a single word, and becoming exhausted at this +game, Jehan spread the fire of his kisses from the mouth to the neck, +from the neck to the sweetest forms that ever a woman gave a child to +slake its thirst upon. And whoever had been in his place would have +thought himself a wicked man not to imitate him. + +"Ah!" said Bertha, fast bound in love without knowing it; "this is +better. I must take care to tell Imbert about it." + +"Are you in your proper senses, cousin? Say nothing about it to your +old husband. How could he make his hands pleasant like mine? They are +as hard as washerwoman's beetles, and his piebald beard would hardly +please this centre of bliss, that rose in which lies our wealth, our +substance, our loves, and our fortune. Do you know that it is a living +flower, which should be fondled thus, and not used like a trombone, or +as if it were a catapult of war? Now this was the gentle way of my +beloved Englishman." + +Thus saying, the handsome youth comported himself so bravely in the +battle that victory crowned his efforts, and poor innocent Bertha +exclaimed-- + +"Ah! cousin, the angels are come! but so beautiful is the music, that +I hear nothing else, and so flaming are their luminous rays, that my +eyes are closing." + +And, indeed, she fainted under the burden of those joys of love which +burst forth in her like the highest notes of the organ, which +glistened like the most magnificent aurora, which flowed in her veins +like the finest musk, and loosened the liens of her life in giving her +a child of love, who made a great deal of confusion in taking up his +quarters. Finally, Bertha imagined herself to be in Paradise, so happy +did she feel; and woke from this beautiful dream in the arms of Jehan, +exclaiming-- + +"Ah! who would not have been married in England!" + +"My sweet mistress," said Jehan, whose ecstasy was sooner over, "you +are married to me in France, where things are managed still better, +for I am a man who would give a thousand lives for you if he had +them." + +Poor Bertha gave a shriek so sharp that it pierced the walls, and +leapt out of bed like a mountebank of the plains of Egypt would have +done. She fell upon her knees before her _Prie-Dieu_, joined her +hands, and wept more pearls than ever Mary Magdalene wore. + +"Ah! I am dead" she cried; "I am deceived by a devil who has taken the +face of an angel. I am lost; I am the mother for certain of a +beautiful child, without being more guilty than you, Madame the +Virgin. Implore the pardon of God for me, if I have not that of men +upon earth; or let me die, so that I may not blush before my lord and +master." + +Hearing that she said nothing against him, Jehan rose, quite aghast to +see Bertha take this charming dance for two so to heart. But the +moment she heard her Gabriel moving she sprang quickly to her feet, +regarded him with a tearful face, and her eye illumined with a holy +anger, which made her more lovely to look upon, exclaimed-- + +"If you advance a single step towards me, I will make one towards +death!" + +And she took her stiletto in her hand. + +So heartrending was the tragic spectacle of her grief that Jehan +answered her-- + +"It is not for thee but for me to die, my dear, beautiful mistress, +more dearly loved than will ever woman be again upon this earth." + +"If you had truly loved me you would not have killed me as you have, +for I will die sooner than be reproached by my husband." + +"Will you die?" said he. + +"Assuredly," said she. + +"Now, if I am here pierced with a thousand blows, you will have your +husband's pardon, to whom you will say that if your innocence was +surprised, you have avenged his honour by killing the man who had +deceived you; and it will be the greatest happiness that could ever +befall me to die for you, the moment you refuse to live for me." + +Hearing this tender discourse spoken with tears, Bertha dropped the +dagger; Jehan sprang upon it, and thrust it into his breast, saying-- + +"Such happiness can be paid for but with death." + +And fell stiff and stark. + +Bertha, terrified, called aloud for her maid. The servant came, and +terribly alarmed to see a wounded man in Madame's chamber, and Madame +holding him up, crying and saying, "What have you done, my love?" +because she believed he was dead, and remembered her vanished joys, +and thought how beautiful Jehan must be, since everyone, even Imbert, +believed him to be a girl. In her sorrow she confessed all to her +maid, sobbing and crying out, "that it was quite enough to have upon +her mind the life of a child without having the death of a man as +well." Hearing this the poor lover tried to open his eyes, and only +succeeded in showing a little bit of the white of them. + +"Ha! Madame, don't cry out," said the servant, "let us keep our senses +together and save this pretty knight. I will go and seek La Fallotte, +in order not to let any physician or surgeon into the secret, and as +she is a sorceress she will, to please Madame, perform the miracle of +healing this wound so not a trace of it shall remain. + +"Run!" replied Bertha. "I will love you, and will pay you well for +this assistance." + +But before anything else was done the lady and her maid agreed to be +silent about this adventure, and hide Jehan from every eye. Then the +servant went out into the night to seek La Fallotte, and was +accompanied by her mistress as far as the postern, because the guard +could not raise the portcullis without Bertha's special order. Bertha +found on going back that her lover had fainted, for the blood was +flowing from the wound. At the sight she drank a little of his blood, +thinking that Jehan had shed it for her. Affected by this great love +and by the danger, she kissed this pretty varlet of pleasure on the +face, bound up his wound, bathing it with her tears, beseeching him +not to die, and exclaiming that if he would live she would love him +with all her heart. You can imagine that the chatelaine became still +more enamoured while observing what a difference there was between a +young knight like Jehan, white, downy, and agreeable, and an old +fellow like Imbert, bristly, yellow, and wrinkled. This difference +brought back to her memory that which she had found in the pleasure of +love. Moved by this souvenir, her kisses became so warm that Jehan +came back to his senses, his look improved, and he could see Bertha, +from whom in a feeble voice he asked forgiveness. But Bertha forbade +him to speak until La Fallotte had arrived. Then both of them consumed +the time by loving each other with their eyes, since in those of +Bertha there was nothing but compassion, and on these occasions pity +is akin to love. + +La Fallotte was a hunchback, vehemently suspected of dealings in +necromancy, and of riding to nocturnal orgies on a broomstick, +according to the custom of witches. Certain persons had seen her +putting the harness on her broom in the stable, which, as everyone +knows is on the housetops. To tell the truth, she possessed certain +medical secrets, and was of such great service to ladies in certain +things, and to the nobles, that she lived in perfect tranquillity, +without giving up the ghost on a pile of fagots, but on a feather bed, +for she had made a hatful of money, although the physicians tormented +her by declaring that she sold poisons, which was certainly true, as +will be shown in the sequel. The servant and La Fallotte came on the +same ass, making such haste that they arrived at the castle before the +day had fully dawned. + +The old hunchback exclaimed, as she entered the chamber, "Now then, my +children, what is the matter?" + +This was her manner, which was familiar with great people, who +appeared very small to her. She put on her spectacles, and carefully +examined the wound, saying-- + +"This is fine blood, my dear; you have tasted it. That's all right, he +has bled externally." + +Then she washed the wound with a fine sponge, under the nose of the +lady and the servant, who held their breath. To be brief, Fallotte +gave it as her medical opinion, that the youth would not die from this +blow, "although," said she, looking at his hand, "he will come to a +violent end through this night's deed." + +This decree of chiromancy frightened considerably both Bertha and the +maid. Fallotte prescribed certain remedies, and promised to come again +the following night. Indeed, she tended the wound for a whole +fortnight, coming secretly at night-time. The people about the castle +were told by the servants that their young lady, Sylvia de Rohan, was +in danger of death, through a swelling of the stomach, which must +remain a mystery for the honour of Madame, who was her cousin. Each +one was satisfied with this story, of which his mouth was so full that +he told it to his fellows. + +The good people believe that it was the malady which was fraught with +danger; but it was not! it was the convalescence, for the stronger +Jehan grew, the weaker Bertha became, and so weak that she allowed +herself to drift into that Paradise the gates of which Jehan had +opened for her. To be brief, she loved him more and more. But in the +midst of her happiness, always mingled with apprehension at the +menacing words of Fallotte, and tormented by her great religion, she +was in great fear of her husband, Imbert, to whom she was compelled to +write that he had given her a child, who would be ready to delight him +on his return. Poor Bertha avoided her lover, Jehan, during the day on +which she wrote the lying letter, over which she soaked her +handkerchief with tears. Finding himself avoided (for they had +previously left each other no more than fire leaves the wood it has +bitten) Jehan believed that she was beginning to hate him, and +straightway he cried too. In the evening Bertha, touched by his tears, +which had left their mark upon his eyes, although he had well dried +them, told him the cause of her sorrow, mingling therewith her +confessions of her terrors for the future, pointing out to him how +much they were both to blame, and discoursing so beautifully to him, +gave utterance to such Christian sentences, ornamented with holy tears +and contrite prayers, that Jehan was touched to the quick by the +sincerity of his mistress. This love innocently united to repentance, +this nobility in sin, this mixture of weakness and strength, would, as +the old authors say, have changed the nature of a tiger, melting it to +pity. You will not be astonished then, that Jehan was compelled to +pledge his word as a knight-bachelor, to obey her in what ever she +should command him, to save her in this world and in the next. +Delighted at this confidence in her, and this goodness of heart, +Bertha cast herself at Jehan's feet, and kissing them, exclaimed-- + +"Oh! my love, whom I am compelled to love, although it is a mortal sin +to do so, thou who art so good, so gentle to thy poor Bertha, if thou +wouldst have her always think of thee with pleasure, and stop the +torrent of her tears, whose source is so pretty and so pleasant (here, +to show him that it was so, she let him steal a kiss)--Jehan, if thou +wouldst that the memory of our celestial joys, angel music, and the +fragrance of love should be a consolation to me in my loneliness +rather than a torment, do that which the Virgin commanded me to order +thee in a dream, in which I was beseeching her to direct me in the +present case, for I had asked her to come to me, and she had come. +Then I told her the horrible anguish I should endure, trembling for +this little one, whose movements I already feel, and for the real +father, who would be at the mercy of the other, and might expiate his +paternity by a violent death, since it is possible that La Fallotte +saw clearly into his future life. Then the beautiful Virgin told me, +smiling, that the Church offered its forgiveness for our faults if we +followed her commandments; that it was necessary to save one's self +from the pains of hell, by reforming before Heaven became angry. Then +with her finger she showed me a Jehan like thee, but dressed as thou +shouldst be, and as thou wilt be, if thou does but love thy Bertha +with a love eternal." + +Jehan assured her of his perfect obedience, and raised her, seating +her on his knee, and kissing her. The unhappy Bertha told him then +that this garment was a monk's frock, and trembling besought him +--almost fearing a refusal--to enter the Church, and retire to +Marmoustier, beyond Tours, pledging him her word that she would grant +him a last night, after which she would be neither for him nor for +anyone else in the world again. And each year, as a reward for this, +she would let him come to her one day, in order that he might see the +child. Jehan, bound by his oath, promised to obey his mistress, saying +that by this means he would be faithful to her, and would experience +no joys of love but those tasted in her divine embrace, and would live +upon the dear remembrance of them. Hearing these sweet words, Bertha +declared to him that, however great might have been her sin, and +whatever God reserved for her, this happiness would enable her to +support it, since she believed she had not fallen through a man, but +through an angel. + +Then they returned to the nest which contained their love but only to +bid a final adieu to all their lovely flowers. There can be but little +doubt that Seigneur Cupid had something to do with this festival, for +no woman ever experienced such joy in any part of the world before, +and no man ever took as much. The especial property of true love is a +certain harmony, which brings it about that the more one gives, the +more the other receives, and vice-versa, as in certain cases in +mathematics, where things are multiplied by themselves without end. +This problem can only be explained to unscientific people, by asking +them to look into their Venetian glasses, in which are to be seen +thousands of faces produced by one alone. Thus, in the heart of two +lovers, the roses of pleasure multiply within them in a manner which +causes them to be astonished that so much joy can be contained, +without anything bursting. Bertha and Jehan would have wished in this +night to have finished their days, and thought, from the excessive +languor which flowed in their veins, that love had resolved to bear +them away on his wings with the kiss of death; but they held out in +spite of these numerous multiplications. + +On the morrow, as the return of Monsieur Imbert de Bastarnay was close +at hand, the lady Sylvia was compelled to depart. The poor girl left +her cousin, covering her with tears and with kisses; it was always her +last, but the last lasted till evening. Then he was compelled to leave +her, and he did leave her although the blood of his heart congealed, +like the fallen wax of a Paschal candle. According to his promise, he +wended his way towards Marmoustier, which he entered towards the +eleventh hour of the day, and was placed among the novices. +Monseigneur de Bastarnay was informed that Sylvia had returned to the +Lord which is the signification of le Seigneur in the English +language; and therefore in this Bertha did not lie. + +The joy of her husband, when he saw Bertha without her waistband--she +could not wear it, so much had she increased in size--commenced the +martyrdom of this poor woman, who did not know how to deceive, and +who, at each false word, went to her Prie-Dieu, wept her blood away +from her eyes in tears, burst into prayers, and recommended herself to +the graces of Messieurs the Saints in paradise. It happened that she +cried so loudly to God that He heard her, because He hears everything; +He hears the stones that roll beneath the waters, the poor who groan, +and the flies who wing their way through the air. It is well that you +should know this, otherwise you would not believe in what happened. +God commanded the archangel Michael to make for this penitent a hell +upon earth, so that she might enter without dispute into Paradise. +Then St. Michael descended from the skies as far as the gate of hell, +and handed over this triple soul to the devil, telling him that he had +permission to torment it during the rest of her days, at the same time +indicating to him Bertha, Jehan and the child. + +The devil, who by the will of God, is lord of all evil, told the +archangel that he would obey the message. During this heavenly +arrangement life went on as usual here below. The sweet lady of +Bastarnay gave the most beautiful child in the world to the Sire +Imbert, a boy all lilies and roses, of great intelligence, like a +little Jesus, merry and arch as a pagan love. He became more beautiful +day by day, while the elder was turning into an ape, like his father, +whom he painfully resembled. The younger boy was as bright as a star, +and resembled his father and mother, whose corporeal and spiritual +perfections had produced a compound of illustrious graces and +marvellous intelligence. Seeing this perpetual miracle of body and +mind blended with the essential conditions, Bastarnay declared that +for his eternal salvation he would like to make the younger the elder, +and that he would do with the king's protection. Bertha did not know +what to do, for she adored the child of Jehan, and could only feel a +feeble affection for the other, whom, nevertheless she protected +against the evil intentions of the old fellow, Bastarnay. + +Bertha, satisfied with the way things were going, quieted her +conscience with falsehood, and thought that all danger was past, since +twelve years had elapsed with no other alloy than the doubt which at +times embittered her joy. Each year, according to her pledged faith, +the monk of Marmoustier, who was unknown to everyone except the +servant-maid, came to pass a whole day at the chateau to see his +child, although Bertha had many times besought brother Jehan to yield +his right. But Jehan pointed to the child, saying, "You see him every +day of the year, and I only once!" And the poor mother could find no +word to answer this speech with. + +A few months before the last rebellion of the Dauphin Louis against +his father, the boy was treading closely on the heels of his twelfth +year, and appeared likely to become a great savant, so learned was he +in all the sciences. Old Bastarnay had never been more delighted at +having been a father in his life, and resolved to take his son with +him to the Court of Burgundy, where Duke Charles promised to make for +this well-beloved son a position, which should be the envy of princes, +for he was not at all averse to clever people. Seeing matters thus +arranged, the devil judged the time to be ripe for his mischiefs. He +took his tail and flapped it right into the middle of this happiness, +so that he could stir it up in his own peculiar way. + + +III +HORRIBLE CHASTISEMENT OF BERTHA AND EXPIATION OF THE SAME, +WHO DIED PARDONED + +The servant of the lady of Bastarnay, who was then about +five-and-thirty years old, fell in love with one of the master's +men-at-arms, and was silly enough to let him take loaves out of the +oven, until there resulted therefrom a natural swelling, which certain +wags in these parts call a nine months' dropsy. The poor woman begged +her mistress to intercede for her with the master, so that he might +compel this wicked man to finish at the altar that which he had +commenced elsewhere. Madame de Bastarnay had no difficulty in obtaining +this favour from him, and the servant was quite satisfied. But the old +warrior, who was always extremely rough, hastened into his pretorium, +and blew him up sky-high, ordering him, under the pain of the gallows, +to marry the girl; which the soldier preferred to do, thinking more of +his neck than of his peace of mind. + +Bastarnay sent also for the female, to whom he imagined, for the +honour of his house, he ought to sing a litany, mixed with epithets +and ornamented with extremely strong expressions, and made her think, +by way of punishment, that she was not going to be married, but flung +into one of the cells in the jail. The girl fancied that Madame wanted +to get rid of her, in order to inter the secret of the birth of her +beloved son. With this impression, when the old ape said such +outrageous things to her--namely, that he must have been a fool to +keep a harlot in his house--she replied that he certainly was a very +big fool, seeing that for a long time past his wife had been played +the harlot, and with a monk too, which was the worst thing that could +happen to a warrior. + +Think of the greatest storm you ever saw it in your life, and you will +have a weak sketch of the furious rage into which the old man fell, +when thus assailed in a portion of his heart which was a triple life. +He seized the girl by the throat, and would have killed her there and +then, but she, to prove her story, detailed the how, the why, and the +when, and said that if he had no faith in her, he could have the +evidence of his own ears by hiding himself the day that Father Jehan +de Sacchez, the prior of Marmoustier, came. He would then hear the +words of the father, who solaced herself for his year's fast, and in +one day kissed his son for the rest of the year. + +Imbert ordered this woman instantly to leave the castle, since, if her +accusation were true, he would kill her just as though she had +invented a tissue of lies. In an instant he had given her a hundred +crowns, besides her man, enjoining them not to sleep in Touraine; and +for greater security, they were conducted into Burgundy, by de +Bastarnay's officers. He informed his wife of their departure, saying, +that as her servant was a damaged article he had thought it best to +get rid of her, but had given her a hundred crowns, and found +employment for the man at the Court of Burgundy. Bertha was astonished +to learn that her maid had left the castle without receiving her +dismissal from herself, her mistress; but she said nothing. Soon +afterwards she had other fish to fry, for she became a prey to vague +apprehensions, because her husband completely changed in his manner, +commenced to notice the likeness of his first-born to himself, and +could find nothing resembling his nose, or his forehead, his this, or +his that, in the youngest he loved so well. + +"He is my very image," replied Bertha one day that he was throwing out +these hints. "Know you not that in well regulated households, children +are formed from the father and mother, each in turn, or often from +both together, because the mother mingles her qualities with the vital +force of the father? Some physicians declare that they have known many +children born without any resemblance to either father or mother, and +attribute these mysteries to the whim of the Almighty." + +"You have become very learned, my dear," replied Bastarnay; "but I, +who am an ignoramus, I should fancy that a child who resembles a +monk--" + +"Had a monk for a father!" said Bertha, looking at him with an +unflinching gaze, although ice rather than blood was coursing through +her veins. + +The old fellow thought he was mistaken, and cursed the servant; but he +was none the less determined to make sure of the affair. As the day of +Father Jehan's visit was close at hand, Bertha, whose suspicions were +aroused by this speech, wrote him that it was her wish that he should +not come this year, without, however, telling him her reason; then she +went in search of La Fallotte at Loches, who was to give her letter to +Jehan, and believed everything was safe for the present. She was all +the more pleased at having written to her friend the prior, when +Imbert, who, towards the time appointed for the poor monk's annual +treat, had always been accustomed to take a journey into the province +of Maine, where he had considerable property, remained this time at +home, giving as his reason the preparations for rebellion which +monseigneur Louis was then making against his father, who as everyone +knows, was so cut up at this revolt that it caused his death. This +reason was so good a one, that poor Bertha was quite satisfied with +it, and did not trouble herself. On the regular day, however, the +prior arrived as usual. Bertha seeing him, turned pale, and asked him +if he had not received her message. + +"What message?" said Jehan. + +"Ah! we are lost then; the child, thou, and I," replied Bertha. + +"Why so?" said the prior. + +"I know not," said she; "but our last day has come." + +She inquired of her dearly beloved son where Bastarnay was. The young +man told her that his father had been sent for by a special messenger +to Loches, and would not be back until evening. Thereupon Jehan +wished, is spite of his mistress, to remain with her and his dear son, +asserting that no harm would come of it, after the lapse of twelve +years, since the birth of their boy. + +The days when that adventurous night you know of was celebrated, +Bertha stayed in her room with the poor monk until supper time. But on +this occasion the lovers--hastened by the apprehensions of Bertha, +which was shared by Jehan directly she had informed him of them--dined +immediately, although the prior of Marmoustier reassured Bertha by +pointing out to her the privileges of the Church, and how Bastarnay, +already in bad odour at court, would be afraid to attack a dignitary +of Marmoustier. When they were sitting down to table their little one +happened to be playing, and in spite of the reiterated prayers of his +mother, would not stop his games, since he was galloping about the +courtyard on a fine Spanish barb, which Duke Charles of Burgundy had +presented to Bastarnay. And because young lads like to show off, +varlets make themselves bachelors at arms, and bachelors wish to play +the knight, this boy was delighted at being able to show the monk what +a man he was becoming; he made the horse jump like a flea in the +bedclothes, and sat as steady as a trooper in the saddle. + +"Let him have his way, my darling," said the monk to Bertha. +"Disobedient children often become great characters." + +Bertha ate sparingly, for her heart was as swollen as a sponge in +water. At the first mouthful, the monk, who was a great scholar, felt +in his stomach a pain, and on his palette a bitter taste of poison +that caused him to suspect that the Sire de Bastarnay had given them +all their quietus. Before he had made this discovery Bertha had eaten. +Suddenly the monk pulled off the tablecloth and flung everything into +the fireplace, telling Bertha his suspicion. Bertha thanked the Virgin +that her son had been so taken up with his sport. Retaining his +presence of mind, Jehan, who had not forgotten the lesson he had +learned as a page, leaped into the courtyard, lifted his son from the +horse, sprang across it himself, and flew across the country with such +speed that you would have thought him a shooting-star if you had seen +him digging the spurs into the horse's bleeding flanks, and he was at +Loches in Fallotte's house in the same space of time that only the +devil could have done the journey. He stated the case to her in two +words, for the poison was already frying his marrow, and requested her +to give him an antidote. + +"Alas," said the sorceress, "had I known that it was for you I was +giving this poison, I would have received in my breast the dagger's +point, with which I was threatened, and would have sacrificed my poor +life to save that of a man of God, and of the sweetest woman that ever +blossomed on this earth; for alas! my dear friend, I have only two +drops of the counter-poison that you see in this phial." + +"Is there enough for her?" + +"Yes, but go at once," said the old hag. + +The monk came back more quickly that he went, so that the horse died +under him in the courtyard. He rushed into the room where Bertha, +believing her last hour to be come, was kissing her son, and writhing +like a lizard in the fire, uttering no cry for herself, but for the +child, left to the wrath of Bastarnay, forgetting her own agony at the +thought of his cruel future. + +"Take this," said the monk; "my life is saved!" + +Jehan had the great courage to say these words with an unmoved face, +although he felt the claws of death seizing his heart. Hardly had +Bertha drunk when the prior fell dead, not, however, without kissing +his son, and regarding his dear lady with an eye that changed not even +after his last sigh. This sight turned her as cold as marble, and +terrified her so much that she remained rigid before this dead man, +stretched at her feet, pressing the hand of her child, who wept, +although her own eye was as dry as the Red Sea when the Hebrews +crossed it under the leadership of Baron Moses, for it seemed to her +that she had sharp sand rolling under her eyelids. Pray for her, ye +charitable souls, for never was woman so agonised, in divining that +her lover has saved her life at the expense of his own. Aided by her +son, she herself placed the monk in the middle of the bed, and stood +by the side of it, praying with the boy, whom she then told that the +prior was his true father. In this state she waited her evil hour, and +her evil hour did not take long in coming, for towards the eleventh +hour Bastarnay arrived, and was informed at the portcullis that the +monk was dead, and not Madame and the child, and he saw his beautiful +Spanish horse lying dead. Thereupon, seized with a furious desire to +slay Bertha and the monk's bastard, he sprang up the stairs with one +bound; but at the sight of the corpse, for whom his wife and her son +repeated incessant litanies, having no ears for his torrent of +invective, having no eyes for his writhings and threats, he had no +longer the courage to perpetrate this dark deed. After the first fury +of his rage had passed, he could not bring himself to it, and quitted +the room like a coward and a man taken in crime, stung to the quick by +those prayers continuously said for the monk. The night was passed in +tears, groans, and prayers. + +By an express order from Madame, her servant had been to Loches to +purchase for her the attire of a young lady of quality, and for her +poor child a horse and the arms of an esquire; noticing which the +Sieur de Bastarnay was much astonished. He sent for Madame and the +monk's son, but neither mother nor child returned any answer, but +quietly put on the clothes purchased by the servant. By Madame's order +this servant made up the account of her effects, arranged her clothes, +purples, jewels, and diamonds, as the property of a widow is arranged +when she renounces her rights. Bertha ordered even her alms-purse be +included, in order that the ceremony might be perfect. The report of +these preparations ran through the house, and everyone knew then that +the mistress was about to leave it, a circumstance that filled every +heart with sorrow, even that of a little scullion, who had only been a +week in the place, but to whom Madame had already given a kind word. + +Frightened at these preparations, old Bastarnay came into her chamber, +and found her weeping over the body of Jehan, for the tears had come +at last; but she dried them directly she perceived her husband. To his +numerous questions she replied briefly by the confession of her fault, +telling him how she had been duped, how the poor page had been +distressed, showing him upon the corpse the mark of the poniard wound; +how long he had been getting well; and how, in obedience to her, and +from penitence towards God, he had entered the Church, abandoning the +glorious career of a knight, putting an end to his name, which was +certainly worse than death; how she, while avenging her honour, had +thought that even God himself would not have refused the monk one day +in the year to see the son for whom he had sacrificed everything; how, +not wishing to live with a murderer, she was about to quit his house, +leaving all her property behind her; because, if the honour of the +Bastarnays was stained, it was not she who had brought the shame +about; because in this calamity she had arranged matters as best she +could; finally, she added a vow to go over mountain and valley, she +and her son, until all was expiated, for she knew how to expiate all. + +Having with noble mien and a pale face uttered these beautiful words, +she took her child by the hand and went out in great mourning, more +magnificently beautiful than was Mademoiselle Hagar on her departure +from the residence of the patriarch Abraham, and so proudly, that all +the servants and retainers fell on their knees as she passed along, +imploring her with joined hands, like Notre Dame de la Riche. It was +pitiful to see the Sieur de Bastarnay following her, ashamed, weeping, +confessing himself to blame, and downcast and despairing, like a man +being led to the gallows, there to be turned off. + +And Bertha turned a deaf ear to everything. The desolation was so +great that she found the drawbridge lowered, and hastened to quit the +castle, fearing that it might be suddenly raised again; but no one had +the right or the heart to do it. She sat down on the curb of the moat, +in view of the whole castle, who begged her, with tears, to stay. The +poor sire was standing with his hand upon the chain of the portcullis, +as silent as the stone saints carved above the door. He saw Bertha +order her son to shake the dust from his shoes at the end of the +bridge, in order to have nothing belonging to Bastarnay about him; and +she did likewise. Then, indicating the sire to her son with her +finger, she spoke to him as follows-- + +"Child, behold the murderer of thy father, who was, as thou art aware, +the poor prior; but thou hast taken the name of this man. Give it him +back here, even as thou leavest the dust taken by the shoes from his +castle. For the food that thou hast had in the castle, by God's help +we will also settle." + +Hearing this, Bastarnay would have let his wife receive a whole +monastery of monks in order not to be abandoned by her, and by a young +squire capable of becoming the honour of his house, and remained with +his head sunk down against the chains. + +The heart of Bertha was suddenly filled with holy solace, for the +banner of the great monastery turned the corner of a road across the +fields, and appeared accompanied by the chants of the Church, which +burst forth like heavenly music. The monks, informed of the murder +perpetrated on their well-beloved prior, came in procession, assisted +by the ecclesiastical justice, to claim his body. When he saw this, +the Sire de Bastarnay had barely that time to make for the postern +with his men, and set out towards Monseigneur Louis, leaving +everything in confusion. + +Poor Bertha, en croup behind her son, came to Montbazon to bid her +father farewell, telling him that this blow would be her death, and +was consoled by those of her family who endeavoured to raise her +spirits, but were unable to do so. The old Sire de Rohan presented his +grandson with a splendid suit of armour, telling him to acquire glory +and honour that he might turn his mother's faults into eternal renown. +But Madame de Bastarnay had implanted in the mind of her dear son no +other idea than of atoning for the harm done, in order to save her and +Jehan from eternal damnation. Both then set out for the places then in +a state of rebellion, in order to render such service to Bastarnay +that he would receive from them more than life itself. + +Now the heat of the sedition was, as everyone knows, in the +neighbourhood of Angouleme, and of Bordeaux in Guienne, and other +parts of the kingdom, where great battles and severe conflicts between +the rebels and the royal armies was likely to take place. The +principal one which finished the war was given between Ruffec and +Angouleme, where all the prisoners taken were tried and hanged. This +battle, commanded by old Bastarnay, took place in the month of +November, seven months after the poisoning of Jehan. Now the Baron +knew that his head had been strongly recommended as one to be cut off, +he being the right hand of Monsiegneur Louis. Directly his men began +to fall back, the old fellow found himself surrounded by six men +determined to seize him. Then he understood that they wished to take +him alive, in order to proceed against his house, ruin his name, and +confiscate his property. The poor sire preferred rather to die and +save his family, and present the domains to his son. He defended +himself like the brave old lion that he was. In spite of their number, +these said soldiers, seeing three of their comrades fall, were obliged +to attack Bastarnay at the risk of killing him, and threw themselves +together upon him, after having laid low two of his equerries and a +page. + +In this extreme danger an esquire wearing the arms of Rohan, fell upon +the assailants like a thunderbolt, and killed two of them, crying, +"God save the Bastarnays!" The third man-at-arms, who had already +seized old Bastarnay, was so hard pressed by this squire, that he was +obliged to leave the elder and turn against the younger, to whom he +gave a thrust with his dagger through a flaw in his armour. Bastarnay +was too good a comrade to fly without assisting the liberator of his +house, who was badly wounded. With a blow of his mace he killed the +man-at-arms, seized the squire, lifted him on to his horse, and gained +the open, accompanied by a guide, who led him to the castle of +Roche-Foucauld, which he entered by night, and found in the great room +Bertha de Rohan, who had arranged this retreat for him. But on +removing the helmet of his rescuer, he recognised the son of Jehan, +who expired upon the table, as by a final effort he kissed his mother, +and saying in a loud voice to her-- + +"Mother, we have paid the debt we owed him!" + +Hearing these words, the mother clasped the body of her loved child to +her heart, and separated from him never again, for she died of grief, +without hearing or heeding the pardon and repentance of Bastarnay. + +The strange calamity hastened the last day of the poor old man, who +did not live to see the coronation of King Louis the Eleventh. He +founded a daily mass in the Church of Roche-Foucauld, where in the +same grave he placed mother and son, with a large tombstone, upon +which their lives are much honoured in the Latin language. + +The morals which any one can deduce from this history are the most +profitable for the conduct of life, since this shows how gentlemen +should be courteous with the dearly beloveds of their wives. Further, +it teaches us that all children are blessings sent by God Himself, and +over them fathers, whether true or false, have no right of murder, as +was formerly the case at Rome, owing to a heathen and abominable law, +which ill became that Christianity which makes us all sons of God. + + + + HOW THE PRETTY MAID OF PORTILLON CONVINCED HER JUDGE + +The Maid of Portillon, who became as everyone knows, La Tascherette, +was, before she became a dyer, a laundress at the said place of +Portillon, from which she took her name. If any there be who do not +know Tours, it may be as well to state that Portillon is down the +Loire, on the same side as St. Cyr, about as far from the bridge which +leads to the cathedral of Tours as said bridge is distant from +Marmoustier, since the bridge is in the centre of the embankment +between Portillon and Marmoustier. Do you thoroughly understand? + +Yes? Good! Now the maid had there her washhouse, from which she ran to +the Loire with her washing in a second and took the ferry-boat to get +to St. Martin, which was on the other side of the river, for she had +to deliver the greater part of her work in Chateauneuf and other +places. + +About Midsummer day, seven years before marrying old Taschereau, she +had just reached the right age to be loved, without making a choice +from any of the lads who pursued her with their intentions. Although +there used to come to the bench under her window the son of Rabelais, +who had seven boats on the Loire, Jehan's eldest, Marchandeau the +tailor, and Peccard the ecclesiastical goldsmith, she made fun of them +all, because she wished to be taken to church before burthening +herself with a man, which proves that she was an honest woman until +she was wheedled out of her virtue. She was one of those girls who +take great care not to be contaminated, but who, if by chance they get +deceived, let things take their course, thinking that for one stain or +for fifty a good polishing up is necessary. These characters demand +our indulgence. + +A young noble of the court perceived her one day when she was crossing +the water in the glare of the noonday sun, which lit up her ample +charms, and seeing her, asked who she was. An old man, who was working +on the banks, told him she was called the Pretty Maid of Portillon, a +laundress, celebrated for her merry ways and her virtue. This young +lord, besides ruffles to starch, had many precious draperies and +things; he resolved to give the custom of his house to this girl, whom +he stopped on the road. He was thanked by her and heartily, because he +was the Sire du Fou, the king's chamberlain. This encounter made her +so joyful that her mouth was full of his name. She talked about it a +great deal to the people of St. Martin, and when she got back to the +washhouse was still full of it, and on the morrow at her work her +tongue went nineteen to the dozen, and all on the same subject, so +that as much was said concerning my Lord du Fou in Portillon as of God +in a sermon; that is, a great deal too much. + +"If she works like that in cold water, what will she do in warm?" said +an old washerwoman. "She wants du Fou; he'll give her du Fou!" + +The first time this giddy wench, with her head full of Monsieur du +Fou, had to deliver the linen at his hotel, the chamberlain wished to +see her, and was very profuse in praises and compliments concerning +her charms, and wound up by telling her that she was not at all silly +to be beautiful, and therefore he would give her more than she +expected. The deed followed the word, for the moment his people were +out of the room, he began to caress the maid, who thinking he was +about to take out the money from his purse, dared not look at the +purse, but said, like a girl ashamed to take her wages-- + +"It will be for the first time." + +"It will be soon," said he. + +Some people say that he had great difficulty in forcing her to accept +what he offered her, and hardly forced her at all; others that he +forced her badly, because she came out like an army flagging on the +route, crying and groaning, and came to the judge. It happened that +the judge was out. La Portillone awaited his return in his room, +weeping and saying to the servant that she had been robbed, because +Monseigneur du Fou had given her nothing but his mischief; whilst a +canon of the Chapter used to give her large sums for that which M. du +Fou wanted for nothing. If she loved a man she would think it wise to +do things for him for nothing, because it would be a pleasure to her; +but the chamberlain had treated her roughly, and not kindly and +gently, as he should have done, and that therefore he owed her the +thousand crowns of the canon. Then the judge came in, saw the wench, +and wished to kiss her, but she put herself on guard, and said she had +come to make a complaint. The judge replied that certainly she could +have the offender hanged if she liked, because he was most anxious to +serve her. The injured maiden replied that she did not wish the death +of her man, but that he should pay her a thousand gold crowns, because +she had been robbed against her will. + +"Ha! ha!" said the judge, "what he took was worth more than that." + +"For the thousand crowns I'll cry quits, because I shall be able to +live without washing." + +"He who has robbed you, is he well off?" + +"Oh yes." + +"Then he shall pay dearly for it. Who is it?" + +"Monseigneur du Fou." + +"Oh, that alters the case," said the judge. + +"But justice?" said she. + +"I said the case, not the justice of it," replied the judge. "I must +know how the affair occurred." + +Then the girl related naively how she was arranging the young lord's +ruffles in his wardrobe, when he began to play with her skirt, and she +turned round saying-- + +"Go on with you!" + +"You have no case," said the judge, "for by that speech he thought +that you gave him leave to go on. Ha! ha!" + +Then she declared that she had defended herself, weeping and crying +out, and that that constitutes an assault. + +"A wench's antics to incite him," said the judge. + +Finally, La Portillone declared that against her will she had been +taken round the waist and thrown, although she had kicked and cried +and struggled, but that seeing no help at hand, she had lost courage. + +"Good! good!" said the judge. "Did you take pleasure in the affair?" + +"No," said she. "My anguish can only be paid for with a thousand +crowns." + +"My dear," said the judge, "I cannot receive your complaint, because I +believe no girl could be thus treated against her will." + +"Hi! hi! hi! Ask your servant," said the little laundress, sobbing, +"and hear what she'll tell you." + +The servant affirmed that there were pleasant assaults and unpleasant +ones; that if La Portillone had received neither amusement nor money, +either one or the other was due to her. This wise counsel threw the +judge into a state of great perplexity. + +"Jacqueline," said he, "before I sup I'll get to the bottom of this. +Now go and fetch my needle and the red thread that I sew the law paper +bags with." + +Jacqueline came back with a big needle, pierced with a pretty little +hole, and a big red thread, such as the judges use. Then she remained +standing to see the question decided, very much disturbed, as was also +the complainant at these mysterious preparations. + +"My dear," said the judge, "I am going to hold the bodkin, of which +the eye is sufficiently large, to put this thread into it without +trouble. If you do put it in, I will take up your case, and will make +Monseigneur offer you a compromise." + +"What's that?" said she. "I will not allow it." + +"It is a word used in justice to signify an agreement." + +"A compromise is then agreeable with justice?" said La Portillone. + +"My dear, this violence has also opened your mind. Are you ready?" + +"Yes," said she. + +The waggish judge gave the poor nymph fair play, holding the eye +steady for her; but when she wished to slip in the thread that she had +twisted to make straight, he moved a little, and the thread went on +the other side. She suspected the judge's argument, wetted the thread, +stretched it, and came back again. The judge moved, twisted about, and +wriggled like a bashful maiden; still this cursed thread would not +enter. The girl kept trying at the eye, and the judge kept fidgeting. +The marriage of the thread could not be consummated, the bodkin +remained virgin, and the servant began to laugh, saying to La +Portillone that she knew better how to endure than to perform. Then +the roguish judge laughed too, and the fair Portillone cried for her +golden crowns. + +"If you don't keep still," cried she, losing patience; "if you keep +moving about I shall never be able to put the thread in." + +"Then, my dear, if you had done the same, Monseigneur would have been +unsuccessful too. Think, too, how easy is the one affair, and how +difficult the other." + +The pretty wench, who declared she had been forced, remained +thoughtful, and sought to find a means to convince the judge by +showing how she had been compelled to yield, since the honour of all +poor girls liable to violence was at stake. + +"Monseigneur, in order that the bet made the fair, I must do exactly +as the young lord did. If I had only had to move I should be moving +still, but he went through other performances." + +"Let us hear them," replied the judge. + +Then La Portillone straightens the thread, and rubs it in the wax of +the candle, to make it firm and straight; then she looked towards the +eye of the bodkin, held by the judge, slipping always to the right or +to the left. Then she began making endearing little speeches, such as, +"Ah, the pretty little bodkin! What a pretty mark to aim at! Never did +I see such a little jewel! What a pretty little eye! Let me put this +little thread into it! Ah, you will hurt my poor thread, my nice +little thread! Keep still! Come, my love of a judge, judge of my love! +Won't the thread go nicely into this iron gate, which makes good use +of the thread, for it comes out very much out of order?" Then she +burst out laughing, for she was better up in this game than the judge, +who laughed too, so saucy and comical and arch was she, pushing the +thread backwards and forwards. She kept the poor judge with the case +in his hand until seven o'clock, keeping on fidgeting and moving about +like a schoolboy let loose; but as La Portillone kept on trying to put +the thread in, he could not help it. As, however, his joint was +burning, and his wrist was tired, he was obliged to rest himself for a +minute on the side of the table; then very dexterously the fair maid +of Portillon slipped the thread in, saying-- + +"That's how the thing occurred." + +"But my joint was burning." + +"So was mine," said she. + +The judge, convinced, told La Portillone that he would speak to +Monseigneur du Fou, and would himself carry the affair through, since +it was certain the young lord had embraced her against her will, but +that for valid reasons he would keep the affair dark. On the morrow +the judge went to the Court and saw Monseigneur du Fou, to whom he +recounted the young woman's complaint, and how she had set forth her +case. This complaint lodged in court, tickled the king immensely. +Young du Fou having said that there was some truth in it, the king +asked if he had had much difficulty, and as he replied, innocently, +"No," the king declared the girl was quite worth a hundred gold +crowns, and the chamberlain gave them to the judge, in order not to be +taxed with stinginess, and said the starch would be a good income to +La Portillone. The judge came back to La Portillone, and said, +smiling, that he had raised a hundred gold crowns for her. But if she +desired the balance of the thousand, there were at that moment in the +king's apartments certain lords who, knowing the case, had offered to +make up the sum for her, with her consent. The little hussy did not +refuse this offer, saying, that in order to do no more washing in the +future she did not mind doing a little hard work now. She gratefully +acknowledged the trouble the good judge had taken, and gained her +thousand crowns in a month. From this came the falsehoods and jokes +concerning her, because out of these ten lords jealousy made a +hundred, whilst, differently from young men, La Portillone settled +down to a virtuous life directly she had her thousand crowns. Even a +Duke, who would have counted out five hundred crowns, would have found +this girl rebellious, which proves she was niggardly with her +property. It is true that the king caused her to be sent for to his +retreat of Rue Quinquangrogne, on the mall of Chardonneret, found her +extremely pretty, exceedingly affectionate, enjoyed her society, and +forbade the sergeants to interfere with her in any way whatever. +Seeing she was so beautiful, Nicole Beaupertuys, the king's mistress, +gave her a hundred gold crowns to go to Orleans, in order to see if +the colour of the Loire was the same there as at Portillon. She went +there, and the more willingly because she did not care very much for +the king. When the good man came who confessed the king in his last +hours, and was afterwards canonised, La Portillone went to him to +polish up her conscience, did penance, and founded a bed in the +leper-house of St. Lazare-aux-Tours. Many ladies whom you know have +been assaulted by more than two lords, and have founded no other beds +than those in their own houses. It is as well to relate this fact, in +order to cleanse the reputation of this honest girl, who herself once +washed dirty things, and who afterwards became famous for her clever +tricks and her wit. She gave a proof of her merit in marrying +Taschereau, who she cuckolded right merrily, as has been related in the +story of The Reproach. This proves to us most satisfactorily that with +strength and patience justice itself can be violated. + + + + IN WHICH IT IS DEMONSTRATED THAT FORTUNE IS ALWAYS FEMININE + +During the time when knights courteously offered to each other both +help and assistance in seeking their fortune, it happened that in +Sicily--which, as you are probably aware, is an island situated in the +corner of the Mediterranean Sea, and formerly celebrated--one knight +met in a wood another knight, who had the appearance of a Frenchman. +Presumably, this Frenchman was by some chance stripped of everything, +and was so wretchedly attired that but for his princely air he might +have been taken for a blackguard. It was possible that his horse had +died of hunger or fatigue, on disembarking from the foreign shore for +which he came, on the faith of the good luck which happened to the +French in Sicily, which was true in every respect. + +The Sicilian knight, whose name was Pezare, was a Venetian long absent +from the Venetian Republic, and with no desire to return there, since +he had obtained a footing in the Court of the King of Sicily. Being +short of funds in Venice, because he was a younger son, he had no +fancy for commerce, and was for that reason eventually abandoned by +his family, a most illustrious one. He therefore remained at this +Court, where he was much liked by the king. + +This gentleman was riding a splendid Spanish horse, and thinking to +himself how lonely he was in this strange court, without trusty +friends, and how in such cases fortune was harsh to helpless people +and became a traitress, when he met the poor French knight, who +appeared far worse off that he, who had good weapons, a fine horse, +and a mansion where servants were then preparing a sumptuous supper. + +"You must have come a long way to have so much dust on your feet," +said the Venetian. + +"My feet have not as much dust as the road was long," answered the +Frenchman. + +"If you have travelled so much," continued the Venetian, "you must be +a learned man." + +"I have learned," replied the Frenchman, "to give no heed to those who +do not trouble about me. I have learnt that however high a man's head +was, his feet were always level with my own; more than that, I have +learnt to have no confidence in the warm days of winter, in the sleep +of my enemies, or the words of my friends." + +"You are, then, richer than I am," said the Venetian, astonished, +"since you tell me things of which I never thought." + +"Everyone must think for himself," said the Frenchman; "and as you +have interrogated me, I can request from you the kindness of pointing +to me the road to Palermo or some inn, for the night is closing in." + +"Are you then, acquainted with no French or Sicilian gentlemen at +Palermo?" + +"No." + +"Then you are not certain of being received?" + +"I am disposed to forgive those who reject me. The road, sir, if you +please." + +"I am lost like yourself," said the Venetian. "Let us look for it in +company." + +"To do that we must go together; but you are on horseback, I am on +foot." + +The Venetian took the French knight on his saddle behind him, and +said-- + +"Do you know with whom you are?" + +"With a man, apparently." + +"Do you think you are in safety?" + +"If you were a robber, you would have to take care of yourself," said +the Frenchman, putting the point of his dagger to the Venetian's +heart. + +"Well, now, my noble Frenchman, you appear to be a man of great +learning and sound sense; know that I am a noble, established at the +Court of Sicily, but alone, and I seek a friend. You seem to be in the +same plight, and, judging from appearances, you do not seem friendly +with your lot, and have apparently need of everybody." + +"Should I be happier if everybody wanted me?" + +"You are a devil, who turns every one of my words against me. By St. +Mark! my lord knight, can one trust you?" + +"More than yourself, who commenced our federal friendship by deceiving +me, since you guide your horse like a man who knows his way, and you +said you were lost." + +"And did not you deceive me?" said the Venetian, "by making a sage of +your years walk, and giving a noble knight the appearance of a +vagabond? Here is my abode; my servants have prepared supper for us." + +The Frenchman jumped off the horse, and entered the house with the +Venetian cavalier, accepting his supper. They both seated themselves +at the table. The Frenchman fought so well with his jaws, he twisted +the morsels with so much agility, that he showed herself equally +learned in suppers, and showed it again in dexterously draining the +wine flasks without his eye becoming dimmed or his understanding +affected. Then you may be sure that the Venetian thought to himself he +had fallen in with a fine son of Adam, sprung from the right side and +the wrong one. While they were drinking together, the Venetian +endeavoured to find some joint through which to sound the secret +depths of his friend's cogitations. He, however, clearly perceived +that he would cast aside his shirt sooner than his prudence, and +judged it opportune to gain his esteem by opening his doublet to him. +Therefore he told him in what state was Sicily, where reigned Prince +Leufroid and his gentle wife; how gallant was the Court, what courtesy +there flourished, that there abounded many lords of Spain, Italy, +France, and other countries, lords in high feather and well feathered; +many princesses, as rich as noble, and as noble as rich; that this +prince had the loftiest aspirations--such as to conquer Morocco, +Constantinople, Jerusalem, the lands of Soudan, and other African +places. Certain men of vast minds conducted his affairs, bringing +together the ban and arriere ban of the flower of Christian chivalry, +and kept up his splendour with the idea of causing to reign over the +Mediterranean this Sicily, so opulent in times gone by, and of ruining +Venice, which had not a foot of land. These designs had been planted +in the king's mind by him, Pezare; but although he was high in that +prince's favour, he felt himself weak, had no assistance from the +courtiers, and desired to make a friend. In this great trouble he had +gone for a little ride to turn matters over in his mind, and decide +upon the course to pursue. Now, since while in this idea he had met a +man of so much sense as the chevalier had proved herself to be, he +proposed to fraternise with him, to open his purse to him, and give +him his palace to live in. They would journey in company through life +in search of honours and pleasure, without concealing one single +thought, and would assist each other on all occasions as the +brothers-in-arms did at the Crusades. Now, as the Frenchman was seeking +his fortune, and required assistance, the Venetian did not for a moment +expect that this offer of mutual consolation would be refused. + +"Although I stand in need of no assistance," said the Frenchman, +"because I rely upon a point which will procure me all that I desire, +I should like to acknowledge your courtesy, dear Chevalier Pezare. You +will soon see that you will yet be the debtor of Gauttier de +Monsoreau, a gentleman of the fair land of Touraine." + +"Do you possess any relic with which your fortune is wound up?" said +the Venetian. + +"A talisman given me by my dear mother," said the Touranian, "with +which castles and cities are built and demolished, a hammer to coin +money, a remedy for every ill, a traveller's staff always ready to be +tried, and worth most when in a state of readiness, a master tool, +which executes wondrous works in all sorts of forges, without making +the slightest noise." + +"Eh! by St. Mark you have, then, a mystery concealed in your hauberk?" + +"No," said the French knight; "it is a perfectly natural thing. Here +it is." + +And rising suddenly from the table to prepare for bed, Gauttier showed +to the Venetian the finest talisman to procure joy that he had ever +seen. + +"This," said the Frenchman, as they both got into bed together, +according to the custom of the times, "overcomes every obstacle, by +making itself master of female hearts; and as the ladies are the +queens in this court, your friend Gauttier will soon reign there." + +The Venetian remained in great astonishment at the sight of the secret +charms of the said Gauttier, who had indeed been bounteously endowed +by his mother, and perhaps also by his father; and would thus triumph +over everything, since he joined to this corporeal perfection the wit +of a young page, and the wisdom of an old devil. Then they swore an +eternal friendship, regarding as nothing therein a woman's heart, +vowing to have one and the same idea, as if their heads had been in +the same helmet; and they fell asleep on the same pillow enchanted +with this fraternity. This was a common occurrence in those days. + +On the morrow the Venetian gave a fine horse to his friend Gauttier, +also a purse full of money, fine silken hose, a velvet doublet, +fringed with gold, and an embroidered mantle, which garments set off +his figure so well, and showed up his beauties, that the Venetian was +certain he would captivate all the ladies. The servants received +orders to obey this Gauttier as they would himself, so that they +fancied their master had been fishing, and had caught this Frenchman. +Then the two friends made their entry into Palermo at the hour when +the princes and princesses were taking the air. Pezare presented his +French friend, speaking so highly of his merits, and obtaining such a +gracious reception for him, that Leufroid kept him to supper. The +knight kept a sharp eye on the Court, and noticed therein various +curious little secret practices. If the king was a brave and handsome +prince, the princess was a Spanish lady of high temperature, the most +beautiful and most noble woman of his Court, but inclined to +melancholy. Looking at her, the Touranian believed that she was +sparingly embraced by the king, for the law of Touraine is that joy in +the face comes from joy elsewhere. Pezare pointed out to his friend +Gauttier several ladies to whom Leufroid was exceedingly gracious and +who were exceedingly jealous and fought for him in a tournament of +gallantries and wonderful female inventions. From all this Gauttier +concluded that the prince went considerably astray with his court, +although he had the prettiest wife in the world, and occupied himself +with taxing the ladies of Sicily, in order that he might put his horse +in their stables, vary his fodder, and learn the equestrian +capabilities of many lands. Perceiving what a life Leufroid was +leading, the Sire de Monsoreau, certain that no one in the Court had +had the heart to enlighten the queen, determined at one blow to plant +his halberd in the field of the fair Spaniard by a master stroke; and +this is how. At supper-time, in order to show courtesy to the foreign +knight, the king took care to place him near the queen, to whom the +gallant Gauttier offered his arm, to take her into the room, and +conducted her there hastily, to get ahead of those who were following, +in order to whisper, first of all, a word concerning a subject which +always pleases the ladies in whatever condition they may be. Imagine +what this word was, and how it went straight through the stubble and +weeds into the warm thicket of love. + +"I know, your majesty, what causes your paleness of face." + +"What?" said she. + +"You are so loving that the king loves you night and day; thus you +abuse your advantage, for he will die of love." + +"What should I do to keep him alive?" said the queen. + +"Forbid him to repeat at your altar more than three prayers a day." + +"You are joking, after the French fashion, Sir Knight, seeing that the +king's devotion to me does not extend beyond a short prayer a week." + +"You are deceived," said Gauttier, seating himself at the table. "I +can prove to you that love should go through the whole mass, matins, +and vespers, with an _Ave_ now and then, for queens as for simple +women, and go through the ceremony every day, like the monks in their +monastery, with fervour; but for you these litanies should never +finish." + +The queen cast upon the knight a glance which was far from one of +displeasure, smiled at him, and shook her head. + +"In this," said she, "men are great liars." + +"I have with me a great truth which I will show you when you wish it." +replied the knight. "I undertake to give you queen's fare, and put you +on the high road to joy; by this means you will make up for lost time, +the more so as the king is ruined through other women, while I shall +reserve my advantage for your service." + +"And if the king learns of our arrangement, he will put your head on a +level with your feet." + +"Even if this misfortune befell me it after the first night, I should +believe I had lived a hundred years, from the joy therein received, +for never have I seen, after visiting all Courts, a princess fit to +hold a candle to your beauty. To be brief, if I die not by the sword, +you will still be the cause of my death, for I am resolved to spend my +life in your love, if life will depart in the place whence it comes." + +Now this queen had never heard such words before, and preferred them +to the most sweetly sung mass; her pleasure showed itself in her face, +which became purple, for these words made her blood boil within her +veins, so that the strings of her lute were moved thereat, and struck +a sweet note that rang melodiously in her ears, for this lute fills +with its music the brain and the body of the ladies, by a sweet +artifice of their resonant nature. What a shame to be young, +beautiful, Spanish, and queen, and yet neglected. She conceived an +intense disdain for those of her Court who had kept their lips closed +concerning this infidelity, through fear of the king, and determined +to revenge herself with the aid of this handsome Frenchman, who cared +so little for life that in his first words he had staked it in making +a proposition to a queen, which was worthy of death, if she did her +duty. Instead of this, however, she pressed his foot with her own, in +a manner that admitted no misconception, and said aloud to him-- + +"Sir Knight, let us change the subject, for it is very wrong of you to +attack a poor queen in her weak spot. Tell us the customs of the +ladies of the Court of France." + +Thus did the knight receive the delicate hint that the business was +arranged. Then he commenced to talk of merry and pleasant things, +which during supper kept the court, the king, the queen, and all the +courtiers in a good humour; so much so that when the siege was raised, +Leufroid declared that he had never laughed so much in his life. Then +they strolled about the gardens, which were the most beautiful in the +world, and the queen made a pretext of the chevalier's sayings to walk +beneath a grove of blossoming orange trees, which yielded a delicious +fragrance. + +"Lovely and noble queen," said Gauttier, immediately, "I have seen in +all countries the perdition of love have its birth in these first +attentions, which we call courtesy; if you have confidence in me, let +us agree, as people of high intelligence, to love each other without +standing on so much ceremony; by this means no suspicion will be +aroused, our happiness will be less dangerous and more lasting. In +this fashion should queens conduct their amours, if they would avoid +interference." + +"Well said," said she. "But as I am new at this business, I did not +know what arrangements to make." + +"Have you are among your women one in whom you have perfect +confidence?" + +"Yes," said she; "I have a maid who came from Spain with me, who would +put herself on a gridiron for me like St. Lawrence did for God, but +she is always poorly." + +"That's good," said her companion, "because you go to see her." + +"Yes," said the queen, "and sometimes at night." + +"Ah!" exclaimed Gauttier, "I make a vow to St. Rosalie, patroness of +Sicily, to build her a gold altar for this fortune." + +"O Jesus!" cried the queen. "I am doubly blessed in having a lover so +handsome and yet so religious." + +"Ah, my dear, I have two sweethearts today, because I have a queen to +love in heaven above, and another one here below, and luckily these +loves cannot clash one with the other." + +This sweet speech so affected the queen, that for nothing she would +have fled with this cunning Frenchman. + +"The Virgin Mary is very powerful in heaven," said the queen. "Love +grant that I may be like her!" + +"Bah! they are talking of the Virgin Mary," said the king, who by +chance had come to watch them, disturbed by a gleam of jealousy, cast +into his heart by a Sicilian courtier, who was furious at the sudden +favour which the Frenchman had obtained. + +The queen and the chevalier laid their plans, and everything was +secretly arranged to furnish the helmet of the king with two invisible +ornaments. The knight rejoined the Court, made himself agreeable to +everyone, and returned to the Palace of Pezare, whom he told that +their fortunes were made, because on the morrow, at night, he would +sleep with the queen. This swift success astonished the Venetian, who, +like a good friend, went in search of fine perfumes, linen of Brabant, +and precious garments, to which queens are accustomed, with all of +which he loaded his friend Gauttier, in order that the case might be +worthy the jewel. + +"Ah, my friend," said he "are you sure not to falter, but to go +vigorously to work, to serve the queen bravely, and give her such joys +in her castle of Gallardin that she may hold on for ever to this +master staff, like a drowning sailor to a plank?" + +"As for that, fear nothing, dear Pezare, because I have the arrears of +the journey, and I will deal with her as with a simple servant, +instructing her in the ways of the ladies of Touraine, who understand +love better than all others, because they make it, remake it, and +unmake it to make it again and having remade it, still keep on making +it; and having nothing else to do, have to do that which always wants +doing. Now let us settle our plans. This is how we shall obtain the +government of the island. I shall hold the queen and you the king; we +will play the comedy of being great enemies before the eyes of the +courtiers, in order to divide them into two parties under our command, +and yet, unknown to all, we will remain friends. By this means we +shall know their plots, and will thwart them, you by listening to my +enemies and I to yours. In the course of a few days we will pretend to +quarrel in order to strive one against the other. This quarrel will be +caused by the favour in which I will manage to place you with the +king, through the channel of the queen, and he will give you supreme +power, to my injury." + +On the morrow Gauttier went to the house of the Spanish lady, who +before the courtiers he recognised as having known in Spain, and he +remained there seven whole days. As you can imagine, the Touranian +treated the queen as a fondly loved woman, and showed her so many +terra incognita in love, French fashions, little tendernesses, etc., +that she nearly lost her reason through it, and swore that the French +were the only people who thoroughly understood love. You see how the +king was punished, who, to keep her virtuous, had allowed weeds to +grow in the grange of love. Their supernatural festivities touched the +queen so strongly that she made a vow of eternal love to Montsoreau, +who had awakened her, by revealing to her the joys of the proceeding. +It was arranged that the Spanish lady should take care always to be +ill; and that the only man to whom the lovers would confide their +secret should be the court physician, who was much attached to the +queen. By chance this physician had in his glottis, chords exactly +similar to those of Gauttier, so that by a freak of nature they had +the same voice, which much astonished the queen. The physician swore +on his life faithfully to serve the pretty couple, for he deplored the +sad desertion of this beautiful women, and was delighted to know she +would be served as a queen should be--a rare thing. + +A month elapsed and everything was going on to the satisfaction of the +two friends, who worked the plans laid by the queen, in order to get +the government of Sicily into the hands of Pezare, to the detriment of +Montsoreau, whom the king loved for his great wisdom; but the queen +would not consent to have him, because he was so ungallant. Leufroid +dismissed the Duke of Cataneo, his principal follower, and put the +Chevalier Pezare in his place. The Venetian took no notice of his +friend the Frenchmen. Then Gauttier burst out, declaimed loudly +against the treachery and abused friendship of his former comrade, and +instantly earned the devotion of Cataneo and his friends, with whom he +made a compact to overthrow Pezare. Directly he was in office the +Venetian, who was a shrewd man, and well suited to govern states, +which was the usual employment of Venetian gentlemen, worked wonders +in Sicily, repaired the ports, brought merchants there by the +fertility of his inventions and by granting them facilities, put bread +into the mouths of hundreds of poor people, drew thither artisans of +all trades, because fetes were always being held, and also the idle +and rich from all quarters, even from the East. Thus harvests, the +products of the earth, and other commodities, were plentiful; and +galleys came from Asia, the which made the king much envied, and the +happiest king in the Christian world, because through these things his +Court was the most renowned in the countries of Europe. This fine +political aspect was the result of the perfect agreement of the two +men who thoroughly understood each other. The one looked after the +pleasures, and was himself the delight of the queen, whose face was +always bright and gay, because she was served according to the method +of Touraine, and became animated through excessive happiness; and he +also took care to keep the king amused, finding him every day new +mistresses, and casting him into a whirl of dissipation. The king was +much astonished at the good temper of the queen, whom, since the +arrival of the Sire de Montsoreau in the island, he had touched no +more than a Jew touches bacon. Thus occupied, the king and queen +abandoned the care of their kingdom to the other friend, who conducted +the affairs of government, ruled the establishment, managed the +finances, and looked to the army, and all exceedingly well, knowing +where money was to be made, enriching the treasury, and preparing all +the great enterprises above mentioned. + +The state of things lasted three years, some say four, but the monks +of Saint Benoist have not wormed out the date, which remains obscure, +like the reasons for the quarrel between the two friends. Probably the +Venetian had the high ambition to reign without any control or +dispute, and forgot the services which the Frenchman had rendered him. +Thus do the men who live in Courts behave, for, according to the +statements of the Messire Aristotle in his works, that which ages the +most rapidly in this world is a kindness, although extinguished love +is sometimes very rancid. Now, relying on the perfect friendship of +Leufroid, who called him his crony, and would have done anything for +him, the Venetian conceived the idea of getting rid of his friend by +revealing to the king the mystery of his cuckoldom, and showing him +the source of the queen's happiness, not doubting for a moment but +that he would commence by depriving Monsoreau of his head, according +to a practice common in Sicily under similar circumstances. By this +means Pezare would have all the money that he and Gauttier had +noiselessly conveyed to the house of a Lombard of Genoa, which money +was their joint property on account of their fraternity. This +treasure, increased on one side by the magnificent presents made to +Montsoreau by the queen, who had vast estates in Spain, and other, by +inheritance in Italy; on the other, by the king's gifts to his prime +minister, to whom he also gave certain rights over the merchants, and +other indulgences. The treacherous friend, having determined to break +his vow, took care to conceal his intention from Gauttier, because the +Touranian was an awkward man to tackle. + +One night that Pezare knew that the queen was in bed with her lover, +who loved him as though each night were a wedding one, so skilful was +she at the business, the traitor promised the king to let him take +evidence in the case, through a hole he had made in the wardrobe of +the Spanish lady, who always pretended to be at death's door. In order +to obtain a better view, Pezare waited until the sun had risen. The +Spanish lady, who was fleet of foot, had a quick eye and a sharp ear, +heard footsteps, peeped out, and perceiving the king, followed by the +Venetian, through a crossbar in the closet in which she slept the +night that the queen had her lover between two sheets, which is +certainly the best way to have a lover. She ran to warn the couple of +this betrayal. But the king's eye was already at the cursed hole, +Leufroid saw--what? + +That beautiful and divine lantern with burns so much oil and lights +the world--a lantern adorned with the most lovely baubles, flaming, +brilliantly, which he thought more lovely than all the others, because +he had lost sight of it for so long a time that it appeared quite new +to him; but the size of the hole prevented him seeing anything else +except the hand of a man, which modestly covered the lantern, and he +heard the voice of Montsoreau saying-- + +"How's the little treasure, this morning?" A playful expression, which +lovers used jokingly, because this lantern is in all countries the sun +of love, and for this the prettiest possible names are bestowed upon +it, whilst comparing it to the loveliest things in nature, such as my +pomegranate, my rose, my little shell, my hedgehog, my gulf of love, +my treasure, my master, my little one; some even dared most +heretically to say, my god! If you don't believe it, ask your friends. + +At this moment the lady let him understand by a gesture that the king +was there. + +"Can he hear?" said the queen. + +"Yes." + +"Can he see?" + +"Yes." + +"Who brought him?" + +"Pezare." + +"Fetch the physician, and get Gauttier into his own room." said the +queen. + +In less time than it takes a beggar to say "God bless you, sir!" the +queen had swathed the lantern in linen and paint, so that you would +have thought it a hideous wound in a state of grievous inflammation. +When the king, enraged by what he overheard, burst open the door, he +found the queen lying on the bed exactly as he has seen her through +the hole, and the physician, examining the lantern swathed in +bandages, and saying, "How it is the little treasure, this morning?" +in exactly the same voice as the king had heard. A jocular and +cheerful expression, because physicians and surgeons use cheerful +words with ladies and treat this sweet flower with flowery phrases. +This sight made the king look as foolish as a fox caught in a trap. +The queen sprang up, reddening with shame, and asking what man dared +to intrude upon her privacy at such a moment, but perceiving the king, +she said to him as follows:-- + +"Ah! my lord, you have discovered that which I have endeavoured to +conceal from you: that I am so badly treated by you that I am +afflicted with a burning ailment, of which my dignity would not allow +me to complain, but which needs secret dressing in order to assuage +the influence of the vital forces. To save my honour and your own, I +am compelled to come to my good Lady Miraflor, who consoles me in my +troubles." + +Then the physician commenced to treat Leufroid to an oration, +interlarded with Latin quotations and precious grains from +Hippocrates, Galen, the School of Salerno, and others, in which he +showed him how necessary to women was the proper cultivation of the +field of Venus, and that there was great danger of death to queens of +Spanish temperament, whose blood was excessively amorous. He delivered +himself of his arguments with great solemnity of feature, voice, and +manner, in order to give the Sire de Montsoreau time to get to bed. +Then the queen took the same text to preach the king a sermon as long +as his arm, and requested the loan of that limb, that the king might +conduct her to her apartment instead of the poor invalid, who usually +did so in order to avoid calumny. When they were in the gallery where +the Sire de Montsoreau resided, the queen said jokingly, "You should +play a good trick on this Frenchman, who I would wager is with some +lady, and not in his own room. All the ladies of Court are in love +with him, and there will be mischief some day through him. If you had +taken my advice he would not be in Sicily now." + +Leufroid went suddenly into Gauttier's room, whom he found in a deep +sleep, and snoring like a monk in Church. The queen returned with the +king, whom she took to her apartments, and whispered to one of the +guards to send to her the lord whose place Pezare occupied. Then, +while she fondled the king, taking breakfast with him, she took the +lord directly he came, into an adjoining room. + +"Erect a gallows on the bastion," said she, "then seize the knight +Pezare, and manage so that he is hanged instantly, without giving time +to write or say a single word on any subject whatsoever. Such is our +good pleasure and supreme command." + +Cataneo made no remark. While Pezare was thinking to himself that his +friend Gauttier would soon be minus his head, the Duke Cataneo came to +seize and lead him on to bastion, from which he could see at the +queen's window the Sire de Montsoreau in company with the king, the +queen, and the courtiers, and came to the conclusion that he who +looked after the queen had a better chance in everything than he who +looked after the king. + +"My dear," said the queen to her spouse, leading him to the window, +"behold a traitor, who was endeavouring to deprive you of that which +you hold dearest in the world, and I will give you the proofs when you +have the leisure to study them." + +Montsoreau, seeing the preparations for the final ceremony, threw +himself at the king's feet, to obtain the pardon of him who was his +mortal enemy, at which the king was much moved. + +"Sire de Monsoreau," said the queen, turning towards him with an angry +look, "are you so bold as to oppose our will and pleasure?" + +"You are a noble knight," said the king, "but you do not know how +bitter this Venetian was against you." + +Pezare was delicately strangled between the head and the shoulders, +for the queen revealed his treacheries to the king, proving to him, by +the declaration of a Lombard of the town, the enormous sums which +Pezare had in the bank of Genoa, the whole of which were given up to +Montsoreau. + +This noble and lovely queen died, as related in the history of Sicily, +that is, in consequence of a heavy labour, during which she gave birth +to a son, who was a man as great in himself as he was unfortunate in +his undertakings. The king believed the physician's statement, that +the said termination to this accouchement was caused by the too chaste +life the queen had led, and believing himself responsible for it, he +founded the Church of the Madonna, which is one of the finest in the +town of Palermo. The Sire de Monsoreau, who was a witness of the +king's remorse, told him that when a king got his wife from Spain, he +ought to know that this queen would require more attention than any +other, because the Spanish ladies were so lively that they equalled +ten ordinary women, and that if he wished a wife for show only, he +should get her from the north of Germany, where the women are as cold +as ice. The good knight came back to Touraine laden with wealth, and +lived there many years, but never mentioned his adventures in Sicily. +He returned there to aid the king's son in his principal attempt +against Naples, and left Italy when this sweet prince was wounded, as +is related in the Chronicle. + +Besides the high moralities contained in the title of this tale, where +it is said that fortune, being female, is always on the side of the +ladies, and that men are quite right to serve them well, it shows us +that silence is the better part of wisdom. Nevertheless, the monkish +author of this narrative seems to draw this other no less learned +moral therefrom, that interest which makes so many friendships, breaks +them also. But from these three versions you can choose the one that +best accords with your judgment and your momentary requirement. + + + + CONCERNING A POOR MAN WHO WAS CALLED LE VIEUX PAR-CHEMINS + +The old chronicler who furnished the hemp to weave the present story, +is said to have lived at the time when the affair occurred in the City +of Rouen. + +In the environs of this fair town, where at the time dwelt Duke +Richard, an old man used to beg, whose name was Tryballot, but to whom +was given the nickname of Le Vieux par-Chemins, or the Old Man of the +Roads; not because he was yellow and dry as vellum, but because he was +always in the high-ways and by-ways--up hill and down dale--slept with +the sky for his counterpane, and went about in rags and tatters. +Notwithstanding this, he was very popular in the duchy, where everyone +had grown used to him, so much so that if the month went by without +anyone seeing his cup held towards them, people would say, "Where is +the old man?" and the usual answer was, "On the roads." + +This said man had had for a father a Tryballot, who was in his +lifetime a skilled artisan, so economical and careful, that he left +considerable wealth to his son. + +But the young lad soon frittered it away, for he was the very opposite +of the old fellow, who, returning from the fields to his house, picked +up, now here, now there, many a little stick of wood left right and +left, saying, conscientiously, that one should never come home empty +handed. Thus he warmed himself in the winter at the expense of the +careless; and he did well. Everyone recognised what a good example +this was for the country, since a year before his death no one left a +morsel of wood on the road; he had compelled the most dissipated to be +thrifty and orderly. But his son made ducks and drakes of everything, +and did not follow his wise example. The father had predicted the +thing. From the boy's earliest youth, when the good Tryballot set him +to watch the birds who came to eat the peas, beans, and the grain, and +to drive the thieves away, above all, the jays, who spoiled +everything, he would study their habits, and took delight in watching +with what grace they came and went, flew off loaded, and returned, +watching with a quick eye the snares and nets; and he would laugh +heartily at their cleverness in avoiding them. Tryballot senior went +into a passion when he found his grain considerably less in a measure. +But although he pulled his son's ears whenever he caught him idling +and trifling under a nut tree, the little rascal did not alter his +conduct, but continued to study the habits of the blackbirds, +sparrows, and other intelligent marauders. One day his father told him +that he would be wise to model himself after them, for that if he +continued this kind of life, he would be compelled in his old age like +them, to pilfer, and like them, would be pursued by justice. This came +true; for, as has before been stated, he dissipated in a few days the +crowns which his careful father had acquired in a life-time. He dealt +with men as he did with the sparrows, letting everyone put a hand in +his pocket, and contemplating the grace and polite demeanour of those +who assisted to empty it. The end of his wealth was thus soon reached. +When the devil had the empty money bag to himself, Tryballot did not +appear at all cut up, saying, that he "did not wish to damn himself +for this world's goods, and that he had studied philosophy in the +school of the birds." + +After having thoroughly enjoyed himself, of all his goods, there only +remained to him a goblet bought at Landict, and three dice, quite +sufficient furniture for drinking and gambling, so that he went about +without being encumbered, as are the great, with chariots, carpets, +dripping pans, and an infinite number of varlets. Tryballot wished to +see his good friends, but they no longer knew him, which fact gave him +leave no longer to recognise anyone. Seeing this, he determined to +choose a profession in which there was nothing to do and plenty to +gain. Thinking this over, he remembered the indulgences of the +blackbirds and the sparrows. Then the good Tryballot selected for his +profession that of begging money at people's houses, and pilfering. +From the first day, charitable people gave him something, and +Tryballot was content, finding the business good, without advance +money or bad debts; on the contrary, full of accommodation. He went +about it so heartily, that he was liked everywhere, and received a +thousand consolations refused to rich people. The good man watched the +peasants planting, sowing, reaping, and making harvest, and said to +himself, that they worked a little for him as well. He who had a pig +in his larder owed him a bit for it, without suspecting it. The man +who baked a loaf in his oven often baked it for Tryballot without +knowing it. He took nothing by force; on the contrary, people said to +him kindly, while making him a present, "Here Vieux par-Chemins, cheer +up, old fellow. How are you? Come, take this; the cat began it, you +can finish it." + +Vieux par-Chemins was at all the weddings, baptisms, and funerals, +because he went everywhere where there was, openly or secretly, +merriment and feasting. He religiously kept the statutes and canons of +his order--namely, to do nothing, because if he had been able to do +the smallest amount of work no one would ever give anything again. +After having refreshed himself, this wise man would lay full length in +a ditch, or against a church wall, and think over public affairs; and +then he would philosophise, like his pretty tutors, the blackbirds, +jays, and sparrows, and thought a great deal while mumping; for, +because his apparel was poor, was that a reason his understanding +should not be rich? His philosophy amused his clients, to whom he +would repeat, by way of thanks, the finest aphorisms of his science. +According to him, suppers produced gout in the rich: he boasted that +he had nimble feet, because his shoemaker gave him boots that do not +pinch his corns. There were aching heads beneath diadems, but his +never ached, because it was touched neither by luxury nor any other +chaplet. And again, that jewelled rings hinder the circulation of the +blood. Although he covered himself with sores, after the manner of +cadgers, you may be sure he was as sound as a child at the baptismal +font. + +The good man disported himself with other rogues, playing with his +three dice, which he kept to remind him to spend his coppers, in order +that he might always be poor. In spite of his vow, he was, like all +the order of mendicants, so wealthy that one day at the Paschal feast, +another beggar wishing to rent his profit from him, Vieux par-Chemins +refused ten crowns for it; in fact, the same evening he spent fourteen +crowns in drinking the health of the alms-givers, because it is the +statutes of beggary that one should show one's gratitude to donors. +Although he carefully got rid of that of which had been a source of +anxiety to others, who, having too much wealth went in search of +poverty, he was happier with nothing in the world than when he had his +father's money. And seeing what are the conditions of nobility, he was +always on the high road to it, because he did nothing except according +to his fancy, and lived nobly without labour. Thirty crowns would not +have got him out of a bed when he was in it. The morrow always dawned +for him as it did for others, while leading this happy life; which, +according to the statements of Plato, whose authority has more than +once been invoked in these narratives, certain ancient sages had led +before him. At last, Vieux par-Chemins reached the age of eighty-two +years, having never been a single day without picking up money, and +possessed the healthiest colour and complexion imaginable. He believed +that if he had persevered in the race for wealth he would have been +spoiled and buried years before. It is possible he was right. + +In his early youth Vieux par-Chemins had the illustrious virtue of +being very partial to the ladies; and his abundance of love was, it is +said, the result of his studies among the sparrows. Thus it was that +he was always ready to give the ladies his assistance in counting the +joists, and this generosity finds its physical cause in the fact that, +having nothing to do, he was always ready to do something. His secret +virtues brought about, it is said, that popularity which he enjoyed in +the provinces. Certain people say that the lady of Chaumont had him in +her castle, to learn the truth about these qualities, and kept him +there for a week, to prevent him begging. But the good man jumped over +the hedges and fled in great terror of being rich. Advancing in age, +this great quintessencer found himself disdained, although his notable +faculties of loving were in no way impaired. This unjust turning away +on the part of the female tribe caused the first trouble of Vieux +par-Chemins, and the celebrated trial of Rouen, to which it is time I +came. + +In this eighty-second year of his age he was compelled to remain +continent for about seven months, during which time he met no woman +kindly disposed towards him; and he declared before the judge that +that had caused the greatest astonishment of his long and honourable +life. In this most pitiable state he saw in the fields during the +merry month of May a girl, who by chance was a maiden, and minding +cows. The heat was so excessive that this cowherdess had stretched +herself beneath the shadow of a beech tree, her face to the ground, +after the custom of people who labour in the fields, in order to get a +little nap while her animals were grazing. She was awakened by the +deed of the old man, who had stolen from her that which a poor girl +could only lose once. Finding herself ruined without receiving from +the process either knowledge or pleasure, she cried out so loudly that +the people working in the fields ran to her, and were called upon by +her as witnesses, at the time when that destruction was visible in her +which is appropriate only to a bridal night. She cried and groaned, +saying that the old ape might just as well have played his tricks on +her mother, who would have said nothing. + +He made answer to the peasants, who had already raised their hoes to +kill him, that he had been compelled to enjoy himself. These people +objected that a man can enjoy himself very well without enjoying a +maiden--a case for the provost, which would bring him straight to the +gallows; and he was taken with great clamour to the jail of Rouen. + +The girl, interrogated by the provost, declared that she was sleeping +in order to do something, and that she thought she was dreaming of her +lover, with whom she was then at loggerheads, because before marriage +he wished to take certain liberties: and jokingly, in this dream she +let him reconnoiter to a certain extent, in order to avoid any dispute +afterwards, and that in spite of her prohibitions he went further than +she had given him leave to go, and finding more pain than pleasure in +the affair, she had been awakened by Vieux par-Chemins, who had +attacked her as a gray-friar would a ham at the end of lent. + +This trial caused so great a commotion in the town of Rouen that the +provost was sent for by the duke, who had an intense desire to know if +the thing were true. Upon the affirmation of the provost, he ordered +Vieux par-Chemins to be brought to his palace, in order that he might +hear what defence he had to make. The poor old fellow appeared before +the prince, and informed him naively of the misfortune which his +impulsive nature brought upon him, declaring that he was like a young +fellow impelled by imperious desires; that up to the present year he +had sweethearts of his own, but for the last eight months he had been +a total abstainer; that he was too poor to find favour with the girls +of the town; that honest women who once were charitable to him, had +taken a dislike to his hair, which had feloniously turned white in +spite of the green youth of his love, and that he felt compelled to +avail himself of the chance when he saw this maiden, who, stretched at +full length under the beech tree, left visible the lining of her dress +and two hemispheres, white as snow, which had deprived him of reason; +that the fault was the girl's and not his, because young maidens +should be forbidden to entice passers-by by showing them that which +caused Venus to be named Callipyge; finally the prince ought to be +aware what trouble a man had to control himself at the hour of noon, +because that was the time of day at which King David was smitten with +the wife of the Sieur Uriah, that where a Hebrew king, beloved of God, +had succumbed, a poor man, deprived of all joy, and reduced to begging +for his bread, could not expect to escape; that for that matter of +that, he was quite willing to sing psalms for the remainder of his +days, and play upon a lute by way of penance, in imitation of the said +king, who had had the misfortune to slay a husband, while he had only +done a trifling injury to a peasant girl. The duke listened to the +arguments of Vieux par-Chemins, and said that he was a man of good +parts. Then he made his memorable decree, that if, as this beggar +declared, he had need of such gratification at his age he gave +permission to prove it at the foot of the ladder which he would have +to mount to be hanged, according to the sentence already passed on him +by the provost; that if then, the rope being round his neck, between +the priest and the hangman, a like desire seized him he should have a +free pardon. + +This decree becoming known, there was a tremendous crowd to see the +old fellow led to the gallows. There was a line drawn up as if for a +ducal entry, and in it many more bonnets than hats. Vieux par-Chemins +was saved by a lady curious to see how this precious violator would +finish his career. She told the duke that religion demanded that he +should have a fair chance. And she dressed herself as if for a ball; +she brought intentionally into evidence two hillocks of such snowy +whiteness that the whitest linen neckerchief would have paled before +them; indeed, these fruits of love stood out, without a wrinkle, over +her corset, like two beautiful apples, and made one's mouth water, so +exquisite were they. This noble lady, who was one of those who rouse +one's manhood, had a smile ready on her lips for the old fellow. Vieux +par-Chemins, dressed in garments of coarse cloth, more certain of +being in the desired state after hanging than before it, came along +between the officers of justice with a sad countenance, glancing now +here and there, and seeing nothing but head-dresses; and he would he +declared, have given a hundred crowns for a girl tucked up as was the +cowherdess, whose charms, though they had been his ruin, he still +remembered, and they might still have saved him; but, as he was old, +the remembrance was not sufficiently recent. But when, at the foot of +the ladder, he saw the twin charms of the lady, and the pretty delta +that their confluent rotundities produced, the sight so much excited +him that his emotion was patent to the spectators. + +"Make haste and see that the required conditions are fulfilled," said +he to the officers. "I have gained my pardon but I cannot answer for +my saviour." + +The lady was well pleased with this homage, which, she said, was +greater than his offence. The guards, whose business it was to proceed +to a verification, believed the culprit to be the devil, because never +in their wits had they seen an "I" so perpendicular as was the old +man. He was marched in triumph through the town to the palace of the +duke, to whom the guards and others stated the facts. In that period +of ignorance, this affair was thought so much of that the town voted +the erection of a column on the spot where the old fellow gained his +pardon, and he was portrayed thereon in stone in the attitude he +assumed at the sight of that honest and virtuous lady. The statue was +still to be seen when Rouen was taken by the English, and the writers +of the period have included this history among the notable events of +the reign. + +As the town offered to supply the old man with all he required, and +see to his sustenance, clothing, and amusements, the good duke +arranged matters by giving the injured maiden a thousand crowns and +marrying her to her seducer, who then lost his name of Vieux +par-Chemins. He was named by the duke the Sieur de Bonne-C------. +This wife was confined nine months afterwards of a perfectly formed +male child, alive and kicking, and born with two teeth. From this +marriage came the house of Bonne-C------, who from motives modest but +wrong, besought our well-beloved King Louis Eleventh to grant them +letters patent to change their names into that of Bonne-Chose. The +king pointed out to the Sieur de Bonne-C------ that there was in the +state of Venice an illustrious family named Coglioni, who wore three +"C------ au natural" on their coat of arms. The gentlemen of the House +of Bonne-C------ stated to the king that their wives were ashamed to +be thus called in public assemblies; the king answered that they would +lose a great deal, because there is a great deal in a name. +Nevertheless, he granted the letters. After that this race was known +by this name, and founded families in many provinces. The first Sieur +de Bonne-C------ lived another 27 years, and had another son and two +daughters. But he grieved much at becoming rich, and no longer being +able to pick up a living in the street. + +From this you can obtain finer lessons and higher morals than from any +story you will read all your life long--of course excepting these +hundred glorious Droll Tales--namely, that never could adventure of +this sort have happened to the impaired and ruined constitutions of +court rascals, rich people and others who dig their graves with their +teeth by over-eating and drinking many wines that impair the +implements of happiness; which said over-fed people were lolling +luxuriously in costly draperies and on feather beds, while the Sieur +de Bonne-Chose was roughing it. In a similar situation, if they had +eaten cabbage, it would have given them the diarrhoea. This may incite +many of those who read this story to change their mode of life, in +order to imitate Vieux par-Chemins in his old age. + + + + ODD SAYINGS OF THREE PILGRIMS + +When the pope left his good town of Avignon to take up his residence +in Rome, certain pilgrims were thrown out who had set out for this +country, and would have to pass the high Alps, in order to gain this +said town of Rome, where they were going to seek the _remittimus_ of +various sins. Then were to be seen on the roads, and the hostelries, +those who wore the order of Cain, otherwise the flower of the +penitents, all wicked fellows, burdened with leprous souls, which +thirsted to bathe in the papal piscina, and all carrying with them +gold or precious things to purchase absolution, pay for their beds, +and present to the saints. You may be sure that those who drank water +going, on their return, if the landlords gave them water, wished it to +be the holy water of the cellar. + +At this time the three pilgrims came to this said Avignon to their +injury, seeing that it was widowed of the pope. While they were +passing the Rhodane, to reach the Mediterranean coast, one of the +three pilgrims, who had with him a son about 10 years of age, parted +company with the others, and near the town of Milan suddenly appeared +again, but without the boy. Now in the evening, at supper, they had a +hearty feast in order to celebrate the return of the pilgrim, who they +thought had become disgusted with penitence through the pope not being +in Avignon. Of these three roamers to Rome, one had come from the city +of Paris, the other from Germany, and the third, who doubtless wished +to instruct his son on the journey, had his home in the duchy of +Burgundy, in which he had certain fiefs, and was a younger son of the +house of Villers-la-Faye (Villa in Fago), and was named La Vaugrenand. +The German baron had met the citizen of Paris just past Lyons, and +both had accosted the Sire de la Vaugrenand in sight of Avignon. + +Now in this hostelry the three pilgrims loosened their tongues, and +agreed to journey to Rome together, in order the better to resist the +foot pads, the night-birds, and other malefactors, who made it their +business to ease pilgrims of that which weighed upon their bodies +before the pope eased them of that which weighed upon their +consciences. After drinking the three companions commenced to talk +together, for the bottle is the key of conversation, and each made +this confession--that the cause of his pilgrimage was a woman. The +servant who watched their drinking, told them that of a hundred +pilgrims who stopped in the locality, ninety-nine were travelling from +the same thing. These three wise men then began to consider how +pernicious is woman to man. The Baron showed the heavy gold chain that +he had in his hauberk to present to Saint Peter, and said his crime +was such that he would not get rid of with the value of two such +chains. The Parisian took off his glove, and exposed a ring set with a +white diamond, saying that he had a hundred like it for the pope. The +Burgundian took off his hat, and exhibited two wonderful pearls, that +were beautiful ear-pendants for Notre-Dame-de-Lorette, and candidly +confessed that he would rather have left them round his wife's neck. + +Thereupon the servant exclaimed that their sins must have been as +great as those of Visconti. + +Then the pilgrims replied that they were such that they had made a +solemn vow in their minds never to go astray again during the +remainder of their days, however beautiful the woman might be, and +this in addition to the penance which the pope might impose upon them. + +Then the servant expressed her astonishment that all had made the same +vow. The Burgundian added, that this vow had been the cause of his +lagging behind, because he had been in extreme fear that his son, in +spite of his age, might go astray, and that he had made a vow to +prevent people and beasts alike gratifying their passions in his +house, or upon his estates. The baron having inquired the particulars +of the adventure, the sire narrated the affair as follows:-- + +"You know that the good Countess Jeane d'Avignon made formerly a law +for the harlots, who she compelled to live in the outskirts of the +town in houses with window-shutters painted red and closed. Now +passing in my company in this vile neighbourhood, my lad remarked +these houses with closed window-shutters, painted red, and his +curiosity being aroused--for these ten-year old little devils have +eyes for everything--he pulled me by the sleeve and kept on pulling +until he had learnt from me what these houses were. Then, to obtain +peace, I told him that young lads had nothing to do with such places, +and could only enter them at the peril of their lives, because it was +a place where men and women were manufactured, and the danger was such +for anyone unacquainted with the business that if a novice entered, +flying chancres and other wild beasts would seize upon his face. Fear +seized the lad, who then followed me to the hostelry in a state of +agitation, and not daring to cast his eyes upon the said bordels. +While I was in the stable, seeing to the putting up of the horses, my +son went off like a robber, and the servant was unable to tell me what +had become of him. Then I was in great fear of the wenches, but had +confidence in the laws, which forbade them to admit such children. At +supper-time the rascal came back to me looking no more ashamed of +himself than did our divine Saviour in the temple among the doctors. + +"'Whence comes you?' said I to him. + +"'From the houses with the red shutters,' he replied. + +"'Little blackguard,' said I, 'I'll give you a taste of the whip.' + +"Then he began to moan and cry. I told him that if he would confess +all that had happened to him I would let him off the beating. + +"'Ha,' said he, 'I took care not to go in, because of the flying +chancres and other wild beasts. I only looked through the chinks of +the windows, in order to see how men were manufactured.' + +"'And what did you see?' I asked. + +"'I saw,' said he, 'a fine woman just being finished, because she only +wanted one peg, which a young worker was fitting in with energy. +Directly she was finished she turned round, spoke to, and kissed her +manufacturer.' + +"'Have your supper,' said I; and the same night I returned into +Burgundy, and left him with his mother, being sorely afraid that at +the first town he might want to fit a peg into some girl." + +"These children often make these sort of answers," said the Parisian. +"One of my neighbour's children revealed the cuckoldom of his father +by a reply. One day I asked, to see if he was well instructed at +school in religious matters, 'What is hope?' 'One of the king's big +archers, who comes here when father goes out,' said he. Indeed, the +sergeant of the Archers was named Hope. My friend was dumbfounded at +this, and, although to keep his countenance he looked in the mirror, +he could not see his horns there." + +The baron observed that the boy's remark was good in this way: that +Hope is a person who comes to bed with us when the realities of life +are out of the way. + +"Is a cuckold made in the image of God?" asked the Burgundian. + +"No," said the Parisian, "because God was wise in this respect, that +he took no wife; therefore is He happy through all eternity." + +"But," said the maid-servant, "cuckolds are made in the image of God +before they are horned." + +Then the three pilgrims began to curse women, saying that they were +the cause of all the evils in the world. + +"Their heads are as empty as helmets," said the Burgundian. + +"Their hearts are as straight as bill-hooks," said the Parisian. + +"Why are there so many men pilgrims and so few women pilgrims?" said +the German baron. + +"Their cursed member never sins," replied the Parisian; "it knows +neither father nor mother, the commandments of God, nor those of the +Church, neither laws divine or human: their member knows no doctrine, +understands no heresies, and cannot be blamed; it is innocent of all, +and always on the laugh; its understanding is nil; and for this reason +do I hold it in utter detestation." + +"I also," said the Burgundian, "and I begin to understand the +different reading by a learned man of the verses of the Bible, in +which the account of the creation is given. In this Commentary, which +in my country we call a Noel, lies the reason of imperfection of this +feature of women, of which, different to that of other females, no man +can slake the thirst, such diabolical heat existing there. In this +Noel is stated that the Lord God, having turned his head to look at a +donkey, who had brayed for the first time in his Paradise, while he +was manufacturing Eve, the devil seized this moment to put his finger +into this divine creature, and made a warm wound, which the Lord took +care to close with a stitch, from which comes the maid. By means of +this frenum, the woman should remain closed, and children be made in +the same manner in which God made the angels, by a pleasure far above +carnal pleasure as the heaven is above the earth. Observing this +closing, the devil, wild at being done, pinched the Sieur Adam, who +was asleep, by the skin, and stretched a portion of it out in +imitation of his diabolical tail; but as the father of man was on his +back this appendage came out in front. Thus these two productions of +the devil had the desire to reunite themselves, following the law of +similarities which God had laid down for the conduct of the world. +From this came the first sin and the sorrows of the human race, +because God, noticing the devil's work, determined to see what would +come of it." + +The servant declared that they were quite correct in the statements, +for that woman was a bad animal, and that she herself knew some who +were better under the ground than on it. The pilgrims, noticing then +how pretty the girl was, were afraid of breaking their vows, and went +straight to bed. The girl went and told her mistress she was +harbouring infidels, and told her what they had said about women. + +"Ah!" said the landlady, "what matters it to me the thoughts my +customers have in their brains, so long as their purses are well +filled." + +And when the servant had told of the jewels, she exclaimed-- + +"Ah, these are questions which concern all women. Let us go and reason +with them. I'll take the nobles, you can have the citizen." + +The landlady, who was the most shameless inhabitant of the duchy of +Milan, went into the chamber where the Sire de La Vaugrenand and the +German baron were sleeping, and congratulated them upon their vows, +saying that the women would not lose much by them; but to accomplish +these said vows it was necessary they should endeavour to withstand +the strongest temptations. Then she offered to lie down beside them, +so anxious were she to see if she would be left unmolested, a thing +which had never happened to her yet in the company of a man. + +On the morrow, at breakfast, the servant had the ring on her finger, +her mistress had the gold chain and the pearl earrings. The three +pilgrims stayed in the town about a month, spending there all the +money they had in their purses, and agreed that if they had spoken so +severely of women it was because they had not known those of Milan. + +On his return to Germany the Baron made this observation: that he was +only guilty of one sin, that of being in his castle. The Citizen of +Paris came back full of stories for his wife, and found her full of +Hope. The Burgundian saw Madame de La Vaugrenand so troubled that he +nearly died of the consolations he administered to her, in spite of +his former opinions. This teaches us to hold our tongues in +hostelries. + + + + INNOCENCE + +By the double crest of my fowl, and by the rose lining of my +sweetheart's slipper! By all the horns of well-beloved cuckolds, and +by the virtue of their blessed wives! the finest work of man is +neither poetry, nor painted pictures, nor music, nor castles, nor +statues, be they carved never so well, nor rowing, nor sailing +galleys, but children. + +Understand me, children up to the age of ten years, for after that +they become men or women, and cutting their wisdom teeth, are not +worth what they cost; the worst are the best. Watch them playing, +prettily and innocently, with slippers; above all, cancellated ones, +with the household utensils, leaving that which displeases them, +crying after that which pleases them, munching the sweets and +confectionery in the house, nibbling at the stores, and always +laughing as soon as their teeth are cut, and you will agree with me +that they are in every way lovable; besides which they are flower and +fruit--the fruit of love, the flower of life. Before their minds have +been unsettled by the disturbances of life, there is nothing in this +world more blessed or more pleasant than their sayings, which are +naive beyond description. This is as true as the double chewing +machine of a cow. Do not expect a man to be innocent after the manner +of children, because there is an, I know not what, ingredient of +reason in the naivety of a man, while the naivety of children is +candid, immaculate, and has all the finesse of the mother, which is +plainly proved in this tale. + +Queen Catherine was at that time Dauphine, and to make herself welcome +to the king, her father-in-law, who at that time was very ill indeed, +presented him, from time to time, with Italian pictures, knowing that +he liked them much, being a friend of the Sieur Raphael d'Urbin and of +the Sieurs Primatice and Leonardo da Vinci, to whom he sent large sums +of money. She obtained from her family--who had the pick of these +works, because at that time the Duke of the Medicis governed Tuscany +--a precious picture, painted by a Venetian named Titian (artist to +the Emperor Charles, and in very high flavour), in which there were +portraits of Adam and Eve at the moment when God left them to wander +about the terrestrial Paradise, and were painted their full height, in +the costume of the period, in which it is difficult to make a mistake, +because they were attired in their ignorance, and caparisoned with the +divine grace which enveloped them--a difficult thing to execute on +account of the colour, but one in which the said Sieur Titian +excelled. The picture was put into the room of the poor king, who was +then ill with the disease of which he eventually died. It had a great +success at the Court of France, where everyone wished to see it; but +no one was able to until after the king's death, since at his desire +it was allowed to remain in his room as long as he lived. + +One day Madame Catherine took with her to the king's room her son +Francis and little Margot, who began to talk at random, as children +will. Now here, now there, these children had heard this picture of +Adam and Eve spoken about, and had tormented their mother to take them +there. Since the two little ones at times amused the old king, Madame +the Dauphine consented to their request. + +"You wished to see Adam and Eve, who were our first parents; there +they are," said she. + +Then she left them in great astonishment before Titian's picture, and +seated herself by the bedside of the king, who delighted to watch the +children. + +"Which of the two is Adam?" said Francis, nudging his sister Margot's +elbow. + +"You silly!" replied she, "to know that, they would have to be +dressed!" + +This reply, which delighted the poor king and the mother, was +mentioned in a letter written in Florence by Queen Catherine. + +No writer having brought it to light, it will remain, like a sweet +flower, in a corner of these Tales, although it is no way droll, and +there is no other moral to be drawn from it except that to hear these +pretty speeches of infancy one must beget the children. + + + + THE FAIR IMPERIA MARRIED + +I +HOW MADAME IMPERIA WAS CAUGHT BY THE VERY NET SHE WAS +ACCUSTOMED TO SPREAD FOR HER LOVE-BIRDS + +The lovely lady Imperia, who gloriously opens these tales, because she +was the glory of her time, was compelled to come into the town of +Rome, after the holding of the council, for the cardinal of Ragusa +loved her more than his cardinal's hat, and wished to have her near +him. This rascal was so magnificent, that he presented her with the +beautiful palace that he had in the Papal capital. About this time she +had the misfortune to find herself in an interesting condition by this +cardinal. As everyone knows, this pregnancy finished with a fine +little daughter, concerning whom the Pope said jokingly that she +should be named Theodora, as if to say The Gift Of God. The girl was +thus named, and was exquisitely lovely. The cardinal left his +inheritance to this Theodora, whom the fair Imperia established in her +hotel, for she was flying from Rome as from a pernicious place, where +children were begotten, and where she had nearly spoiled her beautiful +figure, her celebrated perfections, lines of the body, curves of the +back, delicious breasts, and Serpentine charms which placed her as +much above the other women of Christendom as the Holy Father was above +all other Christians. But all her lovers knew that with the assistance +of eleven doctors of Padua, seven master surgeons of Pavia, and five +surgeons come from all parts, who assisted at her confinement, she was +preserved from all injury. Some go so far as to say that she gained +therein superfineness and whiteness of skin. A famous man, of the +school of Salerno, wrote a book on the subject, to show the value of a +confinement for the freshness, health, preservation, and beauty of +women. In this very learned book it was clearly proved to readers that +that which was beautiful to see in Imperia, was that which it was +permissible for lovers alone to behold; a rare case then, for she did +not disarrange her attire for the petty German princes whom she called +her margraves, burgraves, electors, and dukes, just as a captain ranks +his soldiers. + +Everyone knows that when she was eighteen years of age, the lovely +Theodora, to atone for her mother's gay life, wished to retire into +the bosom of the Church. With this idea she placed herself in the +hands of a cardinal, in order that he might instruct her in the duties +of the devout. This wicked shepherd found the lamb so magnificently +beautiful that he attempted to debauch her. Theodora instantly stabbed +herself with a stiletto, in order not to be contaminated by the +evil-minded priest. This adventure, which was consigned to the history +of the period, made a great commotion in Rome, and was deplored by +everyone, so much was the daughter of Imperia beloved. + +Then this noble courtesan, much afflicted, returned to Rome, there to +weep for her poor daughter. She set out in the thirty-ninth year of +her age, which was, according to some authors, the summer of her +magnificent beauty, because then she had obtained the acme of +perfection, like ripe fruit. Sorrow made her haughty and hard with +those who spoke to her of love, in order to dry her tears. The pope +himself visited her in her palace, and gave her certain words of +admonition. But she refused to be comforted, saying that she would +henceforth devote herself to God, because she had never yet been +satisfied by any man, although she had ardently desired it; and all of +them, even a little priest, whom she had adored like a saint's shrine, +had deceived her. God, she was sure, would not do so. + +This resolution disconcerted many, for she was the joy of a vast +number of lords. So that people ran about the streets of Rome crying +out, "Where is Madame Imperia? Is she going to deprive the world of +love?" Some of the ambassadors wrote to their masters on the subject. +The Emperor of the Romans was much cut up about it, because he had +loved her to distraction for eleven weeks; had left her only to go to +the wars, and loved her still as much as his most precious member, +which according to his own statement, was his eye, for that alone +embraced the whole of his dear Imperia. In this extremity the Pope +sent for a Spanish physician, and conducted him to the beautiful +creature, to whom he proved, by various arguments, adorned with Latin +and Greek quotations, that beauty is impaired by tears and +tribulation, and that through sorrow's door wrinkles step in. This +proposition, confirmed by the doctors of the Holy College in +controversy, had the effect of opening the doors of the palace that +same evening. The young cardinals, the foreign envoys, the wealthy +inhabitants, and the principal men of the town of Rome came, crowded +the rooms, and held a joyous festival; the common people made grand +illuminations, and thus the whole population celebrated the return of +the Queen of Pleasure to her occupation, for she was at that time the +presiding deity of Love. The experts in all the arts loved her much, +because she spent considerable sums of money improving the Church in +Rome, which contained poor Theodora's tomb, which was destroyed during +that pillage of Rome in which perished the traitorous constable of +Bourbon, for this holy maiden was placed therein in a massive coffin +of gold and silver, which the cursed soldiers were anxious to obtain. +The basilic cost, it is said, more than the pyramid erected by the +Lady Rhodepa, an Egyptian courtesan, eighteen hundred years before the +coming of our divine Saviour, which proves the antiquity of this +pleasant occupation, the extravagant prices which the wise Egyptians +paid for their pleasures, and how things deteriorate, seeing that now +for a trifle you can have a chemise full of female loveliness in the +Rue du Petit-Heulen, at Paris. Is it not abomination? + +Never had Madame Imperia appeared so lovely as at this first gala +after her mourning. All the princes, cardinals, and others declared +that she was worthy the homage of the whole world, which was there +represented by a noble from every known land, and thus was it amply +demonstrated that beauty was in every place queen of everything. + +The envoy of the King of France, who was a cadet of the house of l'Ile +Adam, arrived late, although he had never yet seen Imperia, and was +most anxious to do so. He was a handsome young knight, much in favour +with his sovereign, in whose court he had a mistress, whom he loved +with infinite tenderness, and who was the daughter of Monsieur de +Montmorency, a lord whose domains bordered upon those of the house of +l'Ile Adam. To this penniless cadet the king had given certain +missions to the duchy of Milan, of which he had acquitted himself so +well that he was sent to Rome to advance the negotiations concerning +which historians have written so much in their books. Now if he had +nothing of his own, poor little l'Ile Adam relied upon so good a +beginning. He was slightly built, but upright as a column, dark, with +black, glistening eyes; and a man not easily taken in; but concealing +his finesse, he had the air of an innocent child, which made him +gentle and amiable as a laughing maiden. Directly this gentleman +joined her circle, and her eyes had rested upon him, Madame Imperia +felt herself bitten by a strong desire, which stretched the harp +strings of her nature, and produced therefrom a sound she had not +heard for many a day. She was seized with such a vertigo of true love +at the sight of this freshness of youth, that but for her imperial +dignity she would have kissed the good cheeks which shone like little +apples. + +Now take note of this; that so called modest women, and ladies whose +skirts bear their armorial bearings, are thoroughly ignorant of the +nature of man, because they keep to one alone, like the Queen of +France who believed all men had ulcers in the nose because the king +had; but a great courtesan, like Madame Imperia, knew man to his core, +because she had handled a great many. In her retreat, everyone came +out in his true colours, and concealed nothing, thinking to himself +that he would not be long with her. Having often deplored this +subjection, sometimes she would remark that she suffered from pleasure +more than she suffered from pain. There was the dark shadow of her +life. You may be sure that a lover was often compelled to part with a +nice little heap of crowns in order to pass the night with her, and +was reduced to desperation by a refusal. Now for her it was a joyful +thing to feel a youthful desire, like that she had for the little +priest, whose story commences this collection; but because she was +older than in those merry days, love was more fully established in +her, and she soon perceived that it was of a fiery nature when it +began to make itself felt; indeed, she suffered in her skin like a cat +that is being scorched, and so much so that she had an intense longing +to spring upon this gentleman, and bear him in triumph to her nest, as +a kite does its prey, but with great difficulty she restrained +herself. When he came and bowed to her, she threw back her head, and +assumed a most dignified attitude, as do those who have a love +infatuation in their hearts. The gravity of her demeanour to the young +ambassador caused many to think that she had work in store for him; +equivocating on the word, after the custom of the time. + +L'Ile Adam, knowing himself to be dearly loved by his mistress, +troubled himself but little about Madame Imperia, grave or gay, and +frisked about like a goat let loose. The courtesan, terribly annoyed +at this, changed her tone, from being sulky became gay and lively, +came to him, softened her voice, sharpened her glance, gracefully +inclined her head, rubbed against him with her sleeve, and called him +Monsiegneur, embraced him with the loving words, trifled with his +hand, and finished by smiling at him most affably. He, not imagining +that so unprofitable a lover would suit her, for he was as poor as a +church mouse, and did not know that his beauty was the equal in her +eyes to all the treasures of the world, was not taken in her trap, but +continued to ride the high horse with his hand on his hips. This +disdain of her passion irritated Madame to the heart, which by this +spark was set in flame. If you doubt this, it is because you know +nothing of the profession of the Madame Imperia, who by reason of it +might be compared to a chimney, in which a great number of fires have +been lighted, which had filled it with soot; in this state a match was +sufficient to burn everything there, where a hundred fagots has smoked +comfortably. She burned within from top to toe in a horrible manner, +and could not be extinguished save with the water of love. The cadet +of l'Ile Adam left the room without noticing this ardour. + +Madame, disconsolate at his departure, lost her senses from her head +to her feet, and so thoroughly that she sent a messenger to him on the +galleries, begging him to pass the night with her. On no other +occasion of her life had she had this cowardice, either for king, +pope, or emperor, since the high price of her favours came from the +bondage in which she held her admirers, whom the more she humbled the +more she raised herself. The disdainful hero of this history was +informed by the head chamber-women, who was a clever jade, that in all +probability a great treat awaited him, for most certainly Madame would +regale him with her most delicate inventions of love. L'Ile Adam +returned to the salons, delighted at this lucky chance. Directly the +envoy of France reappeared, as everyone had seen Imperia turn pale at +his departure, the general joy knew no bounds, because everyone was +delighted to see her return to her old life of love. An English +cardinal, who had drained more than one big-bellied flagon, and wished +to taste Imperia, went to l'Ile Adam and whispered to him, "Hold her +fast, so that she shall never again escape us." + +The story of this remark was told to the pope at his levee, and caused +him to remark, _Laetamini, gentes, quoniam surrexit Dominus_. A +quotation which the old cardinals abominated as a profanation of +sacred texts. Seeing which, the pope reprimanded them severely, and +took occasion to lecture them, telling them that if they were good +Christians they were bad politicians. Indeed, he relied upon the fair +Imperia to reclaim the emperor, and with this idea he syringed her +well with flattery. + +The lights of the palace being extinguished, the golden flagons on the +floor, and the servants drunk and stretched about on the carpets, +Madame entered her bedchamber, leading by the hand her dear +lover-elect; and she was well pleased, and has since confessed that so +strongly was she bitten with love, she could hardly restrain herself +from rolling at his feet like a beast of the field, begging him to +crush her beneath him if he could. L'Ile Adam slipped off his +garments, and tumbled into bed as if he were in his own house. Seeing +which, Madame hastened her preparations, and sprang into her lover's +arms with a frenzy that astonished her women, who knew her to be +ordinarily one of the most modest of women on these occasions. The +astonishment became general throughout the country, for the pair +remained in bed for nine days, eating, drinking, and embracing in a +marvellous and most masterly manner. Madame told her women that at +last she had placed her hand on a phoenix of love, since he revived +from every attack. Nothing was talked of in Rome and Italy but the +victory that had been gained over Imperia, who had boasted that she +would yield to no man, and spat upon all of them, even the dukes. As +to the aforesaid margraves and burgraves, she gave them the tail of +her dress to hold, and said that if she did not tread them under foot, +they would trample upon her. Madame confessed to her servants that, +differently to all other men she had had to put up with, the more she +fondled this child of love, the more she desired to do so, and that +she would never be able to part with him; nor his splendid eyes, which +blinded her; nor his branch of coral, that she always hungered after. +She further declared that if such were his desire, she would let him +suck her blood, eat her breasts--which were the most lovely in the +world--and cut her tresses, of which she had only given a single one +to the Emperor of the Romans, who kept it in his breast, like a +precious relic; finally, she confessed that on that night only had +life begun for her, because the embrace of Villiers de l'Ile Adam sent +the blood to her in three bounds and in a brace of shakes. + +These expressions becoming known, made everyone very miserable. +Directly she went out, Imperia told the ladies of Rome that she should +die it if she were deserted by this gentleman, and would cause +herself, like Queen Cleopatra, to be bitten by an asp. She declared +openly that she had bidden an eternal adieu her to her former gay +life, and would show the whole world what virtue was by abandoning her +empire for this Villiers de l'Ile Adam, whose servant she would rather +be than reign of Christendom. The English cardinal remonstrated with +the pope that this love for one, in the heart of a woman who was the +joy of all, was an infamous depravity, and that he ought with a brief +_in partibus_, to annul this marriage, which robbed the fashionable +world of its principal attraction. But the love of this poor woman, +who had confessed the miseries of her life, was so sweet a thing, and +so moved the most dissipated heart, that she silenced all clamour, and +everyone forgave her her happiness. One day, during Lent, Imperia made +her people fast, and ordered them to go and confess, and return to +God. She herself went and fell at the pope's feet, and there showed +such penitence, that she obtained from him remission of all her sins, +believing that the absolution of the pope would communicate to her +soul that virginity which she was grieved at being unable to offer her +lover. It is impossible to help thinking that there was some virtue in +the ecclesiastical piscina, for the poor cadet was so smothered with +love that he fancied himself in Paradise, and left the negotiations of +the King of France, left his love for Mademoiselle de Montmorency--in +fact, left everything to marry Madame Imperia, in order that he might +live and die with her. Such was the effect of the learned ways of this +great lady of pleasure directly she turned her science to the root of +a virtuous love. Imperia bade adieu to her admirers at a royal feast, +given in honour of her wedding, which was a wonderful ceremony, at +which all the Italian princes were present. She had, it is said, a +million gold crowns; in spite of the vastness of this sum, every one +far from blaming L'Ile Adam, paid him many compliments, because it was +evident that neither Madame Imperia nor her young husband thought of +anything but one. The pope blessed their marriage, and said that it +was a fine thing to see the foolish virgin returning to God by the +road of marriage. + +But during that last night in which it would be permissible for all to +behold the Queen of Beauty, who was about to become a simple +chatelaine of the kingdom of France, there were a great number of men +who mourned for the merry nights, the suppers, the masked balls, the +joyous games, and the melting hours, when each one emptied his heart +to her. Everyone regretted the ease and freedom which had always been +found in the residence of this lovely creature, who now appeared more +tempting than she had ever done in her life, for the fervid heat of +her great love made her glisten like a summer sun. Much did they +lament the fact that she had had the sad fantasy to become a +respectable woman. To these Madame de l'Ile Adam answered jestingly, +that after twenty-four years passed in the service of the public, she +had a right to retire. Others said to her, that however distant the +sun was, people could warm themselves in it, while she would show +herself no more. To these she replied that she would still have smiles +to bestow upon those lords who would come and see how she played the +role of a virtuous woman. To this the English envoy answered, he +believed her capable of pushing virtue to its extreme point. She gave +a present to each of her friends, and large sums to the poor and +suffering of Rome; besides this, she left to the convent where her +daughter was to have been, and to the church she had built, the wealth +she had inherited from Theodora, which came from the cardinal of +Ragusa. + +When the two spouses set out they were accompanied a long way by +knights in mourning, and even by the common people, who wished them +every happiness, because Madame Imperia had been hard on the rich +only, and had always been kind and gentle with the poor. This lovely +queen of love was hailed with acclamations throughout the journey in +all the towns of Italy where the report of her conversion had spread, +and where everyone was curious to see pass, a case so rare as two such +spouses. Several princes received this handsome couple at their +courts, saying it was but right to show honour to this woman who had +the courage to renounce her empire over the world of fashion, to +become a virtuous woman. But there was an evil-minded fellow, one my +lord Duke of Ferrara, who said to l'Ile Adam that his great fortune +had not cost him much. At this first offence Madame Imperia showed +what a good heart she had, for she gave up all the money she had +received from her lovers, to ornament the dome of St. Maria del Fiore, +in the town of Florence, which turned the laugh against the Sire +d'Este, who boasted that he had built a church in spite of the empty +condition of his purse. You may be sure he was reprimanded for this +joke by his brother the cardinal. + +The fair Imperia only kept her own wealth and that which the Emperor +had bestowed upon her out of pure friendship since his departure, the +amount of which was however, considerable. The cadet of l'Ile Adam had +a duel with the duke, in which he wounded him. Thus neither Madame de +l'Ile Adam, nor her husband could be in any way reproached. This piece +of chivalry caused her to be gloriously received in all places she +passed through, especially in Piedmont, where the fetes were splendid. +Verses which the poet then composed, such as sonnets, epithalamias, +and odes, have been given in certain collections; but all poetry was +weak in comparison with her, who was, according to an expression of +Monsieur Boccaccio, poetry herself. + +The prize in this tourney of fetes and gallantry must be awarded to +the good Emperor of the Romans, who, knowing of the misbehaviour of +the Duke of Ferrara, dispatched an envoy to his old flame, charged +with Latin manuscripts, in which he told her that he loved her so much +for herself, that he was delighted to know that she was happy, but +grieved to know that all her happiness was not derived from him; that +he had lost his right to make her presents, but that, if the king of +France received her coldly, he would think it an honour to acquire a +Villiers to the holy empire, and would give him such principalities as +he might choose from his domains. The fair Imperia replied that she +was extremely obliged to the Emperor, but that had she to suffer +contumely upon contumely in France, she still intended there to finish +her days. + + +II +HOW THIS MARRIAGE ENDED + +Not knowing if it she would be received or not, the lady of l'Ile Adam +would not go to court, but lived in the country, where her husband +made a fine establishment, purchasing the manor of +Beaumont-le-Vicomte, which gave rise to the equivoque upon his name, +made by our well-beloved Rabelais, in his most magnificent book. He +acquired also the domain of Nointel, the forest of Carenelle, St. +Martin, and other places in the neighbourhood of the l'Ile Adam, where +his brother Villiers resided. These said acquisitions made him the most +powerful lord in the l'Ile de France and county of Paris. He built a +wonderful castle near Beaumont, which was afterwards ruined by the +English, and adorned it with the furniture, foreign tapestries, chests, +pictures, statues, and curiosities, of his wife, who was a great +connoisseur, which made this place equal to the most magnificent +castles known. + +The happy pair led a life so envied by all, that nothing was talked +about in Paris and at Court but this marriage, the good fortune of the +Sire de Beaumont, and, above all, of the perfect, loyal, gracious, and +religious life of his wife, who from habit many still called Madame +Imperia; who was no longer proud and sharp as steel, but had the +virtues and qualities of a respectable woman, and was an example in +many things to a queen. She was much beloved by the Church on account +of her great religion, for she had never once forgotten God, having, +as she once said, spent much of her time with churchmen, abbots, +bishops, and cardinals, who had sprinkled her well with holy water, +and under the curtains worked her eternal salvation. + +The praises sung in honour of this lady had such an effect, that the +king came to Beauvoisis to gaze upon this wonder, and did the sire the +honour to sleep at Beaumont, remained there three days, and had a +royal hunt there with the queen and the whole Court. You may be sure +that he was surprised, as were also the queen, the ladies, and the +Court, at the manners of this superb creature, who was proclaimed a +lady of courtesy and beauty. The king first, then the queen, and +afterwards every individual member of the company, complemented l'Ile +Adam on having chosen such a wife. The modesty of the chatelaine did +more than pride would have accomplished; for she was invited to court, +and everywhere, so imperious was her great heart, so tyrannic her +violent love for her husband. You may be sure that her charms, hidden +under the garments of virtue, were none the less exquisite. The king +gave the vacant post of lieutenant of the Ile de France and provost of +Paris to his ancient ambassador, giving him the title of Viscount of +Beaumont, which established him as governor of the whole province, and +put him on an excellent footing at court. But this was the cause of a +great wound in Madame's heart, because a wretch, jealous of this +unclouded happiness, asked her, playfully, if Beaumont had ever spoken +to her of his first love, Mademoiselle de Montmorency, who at that +time was twenty-two years of age, as she was sixteen at the time the +marriage took place in Rome--the which young lady loved l'Ile Adam so +much that she remained a maiden, would listen to no proposals of +marriage, and was dying of a broken heart, unable to banish her +perfidious lover from her remembrance and was desirous of entering the +convent of Chelles. Madame Imperia, during the six years of her +marriage, had never heard this name, and was sure from this fact that +she was indeed beloved. You can imagine that this time had been passed +as a single day, that both believed that they had only been married +the evening before, and that each night was as a wedding night, and +that if business took the knight out of doors, he was quite +melancholy, being unwilling ever to have her out of his sight, and she +was the same with him. + +The king, who was very partial to the viscount, also made a remark to +him which stung him to the quick, when he said, "You have no +children?" + +To which Beaumont replied, with the face of a man whose raw place you +have touched with your finger, "Monsiegneur, my brother has; thus our +line is safe." + +Now it happened that his brother's two children died suddenly--one +from a fall from his horse at a tournament and the other from illness. +Monsieur l'Ile Adam the elder was so stricken with grief at these two +deaths that he expired soon after, so much did he love his two sons. +By this means the manor of Beaumont, the property at Carenelle, St. +Martin, Nointel, and the surrounding domains, were reunited to the +manor of l'Ile Adam, and the neighbouring forests, and the cadet +became the head of the house. At this time Madame was forty-five, and +was still fit to bear children; but alas! she conceived not. As soon +as she saw the lineage of l'Ile Adam destroyed, she was anxious to +obtain offspring. + +Now, as during the seven years which had elapsed she had never once +had the slightest hint of pregnancy, she believed, according to the +statement of a clever physician whom she sent for from Paris, that +this barrenness proceeded from the fact, that both she and her +husband, always more lovers than spouses, allowed pleasure to +interfere with business, and by this means engendering was prevented. +Then she endeavoured to restrain her impetuosity, and to take things +coolly, because the physician had explained to her that in a state of +nature animals never failed to breed, because the females employed +none of those artifices, tricks, and hanky-pankies with which women +accommodate the olives of Poissy, and for this reason they thoroughly +deserved the title of beasts. She promised him no longer to play with +such a serious affair, and to forget all the ingenious devices in +which she had been so fertile. But, alas! although she kept as quiet +as that German woman who lay so still that her husband embraced her to +death, and then went, poor baron, to obtain absolution from the pope, +who delivered his celebrated brief, in which he requested the ladies +of Franconia to be a little more lively, and prevent a repetition of +such a crime. Madame de l'Ile Adam did not conceive, and fell into a +state of great melancholy. + +Then she began to notice how thoughtful had become her husband, l'Ile +Adam, whom she watched when he thought she was not looking, and who +wept that he had no fruit of his great love. Soon this pair mingled +their tears, for everything was common to the two in this fine +household, and as they never left the other, the thought of the one +was necessarily the thought of the other. When Madame beheld a poor +person's child she nearly died of grief, and it took her a whole day +to recover. Seeing this great sorrow, l'Ile Adam ordered all children +to be kept out of his wife's sight, and said soothing things to her, +such as that children often turned out badly; to which she replied, +that a child made by those who loved so passionately would be the +finest child in the world. He told her that her sons might perish, +like those of his poor brother; to which she replied, that she would +not let them stir further from her petticoats than a hen allows her +chickens. In fact, she had an answer for everything. + +Madame caused a woman to be sent for who dealt in magic, and who was +supposed to be learned in these mysteries, who told her that she had +often seen women unable to conceive in spite of every effort, but yet +they had succeeded by studying the manners and customs of animals. +Madame took the beasts of the fields for her preceptors, but she did +not increase in size; her flesh still remained firm and white as +marble. She returned to the physical science of the master doctors of +Paris, and sent for a celebrated Arabian physician, who had just +arrived in France with a new science. Then this savant, brought up in +the school of one Sieur Averroes, entered into certain medical +details, and declared that the loose life she had formerly led had for +ever ruined her chance of obtaining offspring. The physical reasons +which he assigned were so contrary to the teaching of the holy books +which establish the majesty of man, made in the image of his creator, +and so contrary to the system upheld by sound sense and good doctrine, +that the doctors of Paris laughed them to scorn. The Arabian physician +left the school where his master, the Sieur Averroes, was unknown. + +The doctors told Madame, who had come to Paris, that she was to keep +on as usual, since she had had during her gay life the lovely +Theodora, by the cardinal of Ragusa, and that the right of having +children remained with women as long as their blood circulated, and +all that she had to do was to multiply the chances of conception. This +advice appeared to her so good that she multiplied her victories, but +it was only multiplying her defeats, since she obtained the flowers of +love without its fruits. + +The poor afflicted woman wrote then to the pope, who loved her much, +and told him of her sorrows. The good pope replied to her with a +gracious homily, written with his own hand, in which he told her that +when human science and things terrestrial had failed, we should turn +to Heaven and implore the grace of God. Then she determined to go with +naked feet, accompanied by her husband, to Notre Dame de Liesse, +celebrated for her intervention in similar cases, and made a vow to +build a magnificent cathedral in gratitude for the child. But she +bruised and injured her pretty feet, and conceived nothing but a +violent grief, which was so great that some of her lovely tresses fell +off and some turned white. + +At last the faculty of making children was taken from her, which +brought on the vapours consequent upon hypochondria, and caused her +skin to turn yellow. She was then forty-nine years of age, and lived +in her castle of l'Ile Adam, where she grew as thin as a leper in a +lazar-house. The poor creature was all the more wretched because l'Ile +Adam was still amorous, and as good as gold to her, who failed in her +duty, because she had formerly been too free with the men, and was +now, according to her own disdainful remark, only a cauldron to cook +chitterlings. + +"Ha!" said she, one evening when these thoughts were tormenting her. +"In spite of the Church, in spite of the king, in spite of everything, +Madame de l'Ile Adam is still the wicked Imperia!" + +She fell into a violent passion when she saw this handsome gentleman +have everything a man can desire, great wealth, royal favour, +unequalled love, matchless wife, pleasure such as none other could +produce, and yet fail in that which is dearest to the head of the +house--namely, lineage. With this idea in her head, she wished to die, +thinking how good and noble he had been to her, and how much she +failed in her duty in not giving him children, and in being +henceforward unable to do so. She hid her sorrow in the secret +recesses of her heart, and conceived a devotion worthy her great love. +To put into practice this heroic design she became still more amorous, +took extreme care of her charms, and made use of learned precepts to +maintain her bodily perfection, which threw out an incredible lustre. + +About this time the Sieur de Montmorency conquered the repulsion his +daughter entertained for marriage, and her alliance with one Sieur de +Chatillon was much talked about. Madame Imperia, who lived only three +leagues distant from Montmorency, one day sent her husband out hunting +in the forests, and set out towards the castle where the young lady +lived. Arrived in the grounds she walked about there, telling a +servant to inform her mistress that a lady had a most important +communication to make to her, and that she had come to request an +audience. Much interested by the account which she received by the +beauty, courtesy, and manners of the unknown lady, Mademoiselle de +Montmorency went in great haste into the gardens, and there met her +rival, whom she did not know. + +"My dear," said the poor woman, weeping to find the young maiden as +beautiful as herself, "I know that they are trying to force you into a +marriage with Monsieur de Chatillon, although you still love Monsieur +de l'Ile Adam. Have confidence in the prophecy that I here make you, +that he whom you have loved, and who only was false to you through a +snare into which an angel might have fallen, will be free from the +burden of his old wife before the leaves fall. Thus the constancy of +your love will have its crown of flowers. Now have the courage to +refuse this marriage they are arranging for you, and you may yet clasp +your first and only love. Pledge me your word to love and cherish +l'Ile Adam, who is the kindest of men; never to cause him a moment's +anguish, and tell him to reveal to you all the secrets of love +invented by Madame Imperia, because, in practicing them, being young, +you will be easily able to obliterate the remembrance of her from his +mind." + +Mademoiselle de Montmorency was so astonished that she could make no +answer, and let this queen of beauty depart, and believed her to be a +fairy, until a workman told her that the fairy was Madame de l'Ile +Adam. Although the adventure was inexplicable, she told her father +that she would not give her consent to the proposed marriage until +after the autumn, so much is it in the nature of Love to ally itself +with Hope, in spite of the bitter pills which this deceitful and +gracious, companion gives her to swallow like bull's eyes. During the +months when the grapes are gathered, Imperia would not let l'Ile Adam +leave her, and was so amorous that one would have imagined she wished +to kill him, since l'Ile Adam felt as though he had a fresh bride in +his arms every night. The next morning the good woman requested him to +keep the remembrance of these joys in his heart. + +Then, to know what her lover's real thoughts on the subject were she +said to him, "Poor l'Ile Adam, we were very silly to marry--a lad like +you, with your twenty-three years, and an old woman close to 40." + +He answered her, that his happiness was such that he was the envy of +every one, that at her age her equal did not exist among the younger +women, and that if ever she grew old he would love her wrinkles, +believing that even in the tomb she would be lovely, and her skeleton +lovable. + +To these answers, which brought the tears into her eyes, she one +morning answered maliciously, that Mademoiselle de Montmorency was +very lovely and very faithful. This speech forced l'Ile Adam to tell +her that she pained him by telling him of the only wrong he had ever +committed in his life--the breaking of the troth pledged to his first +sweetheart, all love for whom he had since effaced from his heart. +This candid speech made her seize him and clasp him to her heart, +affected at the loyalty of his discourse on a subject from which many +would have shrunk. + +"My dear love," said she, "for a long time past I have been suffering +from a retraction of the heart, which has always since my youth been +dangerous to my life, and in this opinion the Arabian physician +coincides. If I die, I wish you to make the most binding oath a knight +can make, to wed Mademoiselle Montmorency. I am so certain of dying, +that I leave my property to you only on condition that this marriage +takes place." + +Hearing this, l'Ile Adam turned pale, and felt faint at the mere +thought of an eternal separation from his good wife. + +"Yes, dear treasure of love," continued she. "I am punished by God +there where my sins were committed, for the great joys that I feel +dilate my heart, and have, according to the Arabian doctor, weakened +the vessels which in a moment of excitement will burst; but I have +always implored God to take my life at the age in which I now am, +because I would not see my charms marred by the ravages of time." + +This great and noble woman saw then how well she was beloved. This is +how she obtained the greatest sacrifice of love that ever was made +upon this earth. She alone knew what a charm existed in the embraces, +fondlings, and raptures of the conjugal bed, which were such that poor +l'Ile Adam would rather have died than allow himself to be deprived of +the amorous delicacies she knew so well how to prepare. At this +confession made by her that, in the excitement of love her heart would +burst, the chevalier cast himself at her knees, and declared that to +preserve her life he would never ask her for love, but would live +contented to see her only at his side, happy at being able to touch +but the hem of her garment. + +She replied, bursting into tears, "that she would rather die than lose +one iota of his love; that she would die as she had lived, since +luckily she could make a man embrace her when such was her desire +without having to put her request into words." + +Here it must be stated that the cardinal of Ragusa had given her as a +present an article, which this holy joker called _in articulo mortis_. +It was a tiny glass bottle, no bigger than a bean, made at Venice, and +containing a poison so subtle that by breaking it between the teeth +death came instantly and painlessly. He had received it from Signora +Tophana, the celebrated maker of poisons of the town of Rome. + +Now this tiny bottle was under the bezel of a ring, preserved from all +objects that could break it by certain plates of gold. Poor Imperia +put it into her mouth several times without being able to make up her +mind to bite it, so much pleasure did she take in the moment that she +believed to be her last. Then she would pass before her in mental +review all her methods of enjoyment before breaking the glass, and +determined that when she felt the most perfect of all joys she would +bite the bottle. + +The poor creature departed this life on the night on the first day of +October. Then was there heard a great clamour in the forests and in +the clouds, as if the loves had cried aloud, "The great Noc is dead!" +in imitation of the pagan gods who, at the coming of the Saviour of +men, fled into the skies, saying, "the great Pan is slain!" A cry +which was heard by some persons navigating the Eubean Sea, and +preserved by a Father of the Church. + +Madame Imperia died without being spoiled in shape, so much had God +made her the irreproachable model of a woman. She had, it was said, a +magnificent tint upon her flesh, caused by the proximity of the +flaming wings of Pleasure, who cried and groaned over her corpse. Her +husband mourned for her most bitterly, never suspecting that she had +died to deliver him from a childless wife, for the doctor who embalmed +her said not a word concerning the cause of her death. This great +sacrifice was discovered six years after marriage of l'Ile Adam with +Mademoiselle de Montmorency, because she told him all about the visit +of Madame Imperia. The poor gentleman immediately fell into a state of +great melancholy and finished by dying, being unable to banish the +remembrance of those joys of love which it was beyond the power of a +novice to restore to him; thereby did he prove the truth of that which +was said at that time, that this woman would never die in a heart +where she had once reigned. + +This teaches us that virtue is well understood by those who have +practised vice; for among the most modest women few would thus have +sacrificed life, in whatever high state of religion you look for them. + + + + EPILOGUE + +Oh! mad little one, thou whose business it is to make the house merry, +again hast thou been wallowing, in spite of a thousand prohibitions, +in that slough of melancholy, whence thou hast already fished out +Bertha, and come back with thy tresses dishevelled, like a girl who +has been ill-treated by a regiment of soldiers! Where are thy golden +aiglets and bells, thy filigree flowers of fantastic design? Where +hast thou left thy crimson head-dress, ornamented with precious +gewgaws that cost a minot of pearls? + +Why spoil with pernicious tears thy black eyes, so pleasant when +therein sparkles the wit of a tale, that popes pardon thee thy sayings +for the sake of thy merry laughter, feel their souls caught between +the ivory of thy teeth, have their hearts drawn by the rose point of +thy sweet tongue, and would barter the holy slipper for a hundred of +the smiles that hover round thy vermillion lips? Laughing lassie, if +thou wouldst remain always fresh and young, weep no more; think of +riding the brideless fleas, of bridling with the golden clouds thy +chameleon chimeras, of metamorphosing the realities of life into +figures clothed with the rainbow, caparisoned with roseate dreams, and +mantled with wings blue as the eyes of the partridge. By the Body and +the Blood, by the Censer and the Seal, by the Book and the Sword, by +the Rag and the Gold, by the Sound and the Colour, if thou does but +return once into that hovel of elegies where eunuchs find ugly women +for imbecile sultans, I'll curse thee; I'll rave at thee; I'll make +thee fast from roguery and love; I'll-- + +Phist! Here she is astride a sunbeam with a volume that is ready to +burst with merry meteors! She plays in their prisms, tearing about so +madly, so wildly, so boldly, so contrary to good sense, so contrary to +good manners, so contrary to everything, that one has to touch her +with long feathers, to follow her siren's tail in the golden facets +which trifle among the artifices of these new pearls of laughter. Ye +gods! but she is sporting herself in them like a hundred schoolboys in +a hedge full of blackberries, after vespers. To the devil with the +magister! The volume is finished! Out upon work! What ho! my jovial +friends; this way! + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Droll Stories, Volume 3, by Honore de Balzac + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 3 *** + +***** This file should be named 2551.txt or 2551.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/5/2551/ + +Produced by John Bickers, Ian Hodgson, Dagny and Emma Dudding + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Etext prepared by Ian Hodgson, Ian_Hodgson@tara1880freeserve.co.uk +and Dagny, dagnyj@hotmail.com +and Emma Dudding, emma_302@hotmail.com +and John Bickers, jbickers@ihug.co.nz + + + + + +DROLL STORIES +COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE +VOLUME III: THE THIRD TEN TALES + + +by HONORE DE BALZAC + + + +CONTENTS + + +THE THIRD TEN TALES + +PROLOGUE +PERSEVERANCE IN LOVE +CONCERNING A PROVOST WHO DID NOT RECOGNISE THINGS +ABOUT THE MONK AMADOR, WHO WAS A GLORIOUS ABBOT OF TURPENAY +BERTHA THE PENITENT +HOW THE PRETTY MAID OF PORTILLON CONVINCED HER JUDGE +IN WHICH IT IS DEMONSTRATED THAT FORTUNE IS ALWAYS FEMININE +CONCERNING A POOR MAN WHO WAS CALLED LE VIEUX PAR-CHEMINS +ODD SAYINGS OF THREE PILGRIMS +INNOCENCE +THE FAIR IMPERIA MARRIED + + + + + +THIRD TEN TALES + + + +PROLOGUE + +Certain persons have interrogated the author as to why there was such +a demand for these tales that no year passes without his giving an +instalment of them, and why he has lately taken to writing commas +mixed up with bad syllables, at which the ladies publicly knit their +brows, and have put to him other questions of a like character. + +The author declares that these treacherous words, cast like pebbles in +his path, have touched him in the very depths of his heart, and he is +sufficiently cognisant of his duty not to fail to give to his special +audience in this prologue certain reasons other than the preceding +ones, because it is always necessary to reason with children until +they are grown up, understand things, and hold their tongues; and +because he perceives many mischievous fellows among the crowd of noisy +people, who ignore at pleasure the real object of these volumes. + +In the first place know, that if certain virtuous ladies--I say +virtuous because common and low class women do not read these stories, +preferring those that are never published; on the contrary, other +citizens' wives and ladies, of high respectability and godliness, +although doubtless disgusted with the subject-matter, read them +piously to satisfy an evil spirit, and thus keep themselves virtuous. +Do you understand, my good reapers of horns? It is better to be +deceived by the tale of a book than cuckolded through the story of a +gentleman. You are saved the damage by this, poor fools! besides +which, often your lady becomes enamoured, is seized with fecund +agitations to your advantage, raised in her by the present book. +Therefore do these volumes assist to populate the land and maintain it +in mirth, honour and health. I say mirth, because much is to be +derived from these tales. I say honour, because you save your nest +from the claws of that youthful demon named cuckoldom in the language +of the Celts. I say health, because this book incites that which was +prescribed by the Church of Salerno, for the avoidance of cerebral +plethora. Can you derive a like proof in any other typographically +blackened portfolios? Ha! ha! where are the books that make children? +Think! Nowhere. But you will find a glut of children making books +which beget nothing but weariness. + +But to continue. Now be it known that when ladies, of a virtuous +nature and a talkative turn of mind, converse publicly on the subject +of these volumes, a great number of them, far from reprimanding the +author, confess that they like him very much, esteem him a valiant +man, worthy to be a monk in the Abbey of Theleme. For as many reasons +as there are stars in the heavens, he does not drop the style which he +has adopted in these said tales, but lets himself be vituperated, and +keeps steadily on his way, because noble France is a woman who refuses +to yield, crying, twisting about, and saying, + +"No, no, never! Oh, sir, what are you going to do? I won't let you; +you'd rumple me." + +And when the volume is done and finished, all smiles, she exclaims, + +"Oh, master, are there any more to come?" + +You may take it for granted that the author is a merry fellow, who +troubles himself little about the cries, tears and tricks of the lady +you call glory, fashion, or public favour, for he knows her to be a +wanton who would put up with any violence. He knows that in France her +war-cry is, Mount Joy! A fine cry indeed, but one which certain +writers have disfigured, and which signifies, "Joy it is not of the +earth, it is there; seize it, otherwise good-bye." The author has this +interpretation from Rabelais, who told it to him. If you search +history, has France ever breathed a word when she was joyous mounted, +bravely mounted, passionately mounted, mounted and out of breath? She +goes furiously at everything, and likes this exercise better than +drinking. Now, do you not see that these volumes are French, joyfully +French, wildly French, French before, French behind, French to the +backbone. Back then, curs! strike up the music; silence, bigots! +advance my merry wags, my little pages, put your soft hands into the +ladies' hands and tickle them in the middle--of the hand of course. +Ha! ha! these are high sounding and peripatetic reasons, or the author +knows nothing of sound and the philosophy of Aristotle. He has on his +side the crown of France and the oriflamme of the king and Monsieur +St. Denis, who, having lost his head, said "Mount-my-Joy!" Do you mean +to say, you quadrupeds, that the word is wrong? No. It was certainly +heard by a great many people at the time; but in these days of deep +wretchedness you believe nothing concerning the good old saints. + +The author has not finished yet. Know all ye who read these tales with +eye and hand, feel them in the head alone, and love them for the joy +they bring you, and which goes to your heart, know that the author +having in an evil hour let his ideas, /id est/, his inheritance, go +astray, and being unable to get them together again, found himself in +a state of mental nudity. Then he cried like the woodcutter in the +prologue of the book of his dear master Rabelais, in order to make +himself heard by the gentleman on high, Lord Paramount of all things, +and obtain from Him fresh ideas. This said Most High, still busy with +the congress of the time, threw to him through Mercury an inkstand +with two cups, on which was engraved, after the manner of a motto, +these three letters, /Ave/. Then the poor fellow, perceiving no other +help, took great care to turn over this said inkstand to find out the +hidden meaning of it, thinking over the mysterious words and trying to +find a key to them. First, he saw that God was polite, like the great +Lord as He is, because the world is His, and He holds the title of it +from no one. But since, in thinking over the days of his youth, he +remembered no great service rendered to God, the author was in doubt +concerning this hollow civility, and pondered long without finding out +the real substance of the celestial utensil. By reason of turning it +and twisting it about, studying it, looking at it, feeling it, +emptying it, knocking it in an interrogatory manner, smacking it down, +standing it up straight, standing it on one side, and turning it +upside down, he read backwards /Eva/. Who is /Eva/, if not all women +in one? Therefore by the Voice Divine was it said to the author: + +Think of women; woman will heal thy wound, stop the waste-hole in thy +bag of tricks. Woman is thy wealth; have but one woman, dress, +undress, and fondle that women, make use of the woman--woman is +everything--woman has an inkstand of her own; dip thy pen in that +bottomless inkpot. Women like love; make love to her with the pen +only, tickle her phantasies, and sketch merrily for her a thousand +pictures of love in a thousand pretty ways. Woman is generous, and all +for one, or one for all, must pay the painter, and furnish the hairs +of the brush. Now, muse upon that which is written here. /Ave/, Hail, +/Eva/, woman; or /Eva/, woman, /Ave/, Hail. Yes, she makes and +unmakes. Heigh, then, for the inkstand! What does woman like best? +What does she desire? All the special things of love; and woman is +right. To have children, to produce an imitation, of nature, which is +always in labour. Come to me, then, woman!--come to me, Eva! + +With this the author began to dip into that fertile inkpot, where +there was a brain-fluid, concocted by virtues from on high in a +talismanic fashion. From one cup there came serious things, which +wrote themselves in brown ink; and from the other trifling things, +which merely gave a roseate hue to the pages of the manuscript. The +poor author has often, from carelessness, mixed the inks, now here, +now there; but as soon as the heavy sentences, difficult to smooth, +polish, and brighten up, of some work suitable to the taste of the day +are finished, the author, eager to amuse himself, in spite of the +small amount of merry ink remaining in the left cup, steals and bears +eagerly therefrom a few penfuls with great delight. These said penfuls +are, indeed, these same Droll Tales, the authority on which is above +suspicion, because it flows from a divine source, as is shown in this +the author's naive confession. + +Certain evil-disposed people will still cry out at this; but can you +find a man perfectly contented on this lump of mud? Is it not a shame? +In this the author has wisely comported himself in imitation of a +higher power; and he proves it by /atqui/. Listen. Is it not most +clearly demonstrated to the learned that the sovereign Lord of worlds +has made an infinite number of heavy, weighty, and serious machines +with great wheels, large chains, terrible notches, and frightfully +complicated screws and weights like the roasting jack, but also has +amused Himself with little trifles and grotesque things light as +zephyrs, and has made also naive and pleasant creations, at which you +laugh directly you see them? Is it not so? Then in all eccentric +works, such as the very spacious edifice undertaken by the author, in +order to model himself upon the laws of the above-named Lord, it is +necessary to fashion certain delicate flowers, pleasant insects, fine +dragons well twisted, imbricated, and coloured--nay, even gilt, +although he is often short of gold--and throw them at the feet of his +snow-clad mountains, piles of rocks, and other cloud-capped +philosophers, long and terrible works, marble columns, real thoughts +carved in porphyry. + +Ah! unclean beasts, who despise and repudiate the figures, phantasies, +harmonies, and roulades of the fair muse of drollery, will you not +pare your claws, so that you may never again scratch her white skin, +all azure with veins, her amorous reins, her flanks of surpassing +elegance, her feet that stay modestly in bed, her satin face, her +lustrous features, her heart devoid of bitterness? Ah! wooden-heads, +what will you say when you find that this merry lass springs from the +heart of France, agrees with all that is womanly in nature, has been +saluted with a polite /Ave/! by the angels in the person of their +spokesman, Mercury, and finally, is the clearest quintessence of Art. +In this work are to be met with necessity, virtue, whim, the desire of +a woman, the votive offering of a stout Pantagruelist, all are here. +Hold your peace, then, drink to the author, and let his inkstand with +the double cup endow the Gay Science with a hundred glorious Droll +Tales. + +Stand back then, curs; strike up the music! Silence, bigots; out of +the way, dunces! step forward my merry wags!--my little pages! give +your soft hand to the ladies, and tickle theirs in the centre in a +pretty manner, saying to them, "Read to laugh." Afterwards you can +tell them some mere jest to make them roar, since when they are +laughing their lips are apart, and they make but a faint resistance to +love. + + + +PERSEVERANCE IN LOVE + +During the first years of the thirteenth century after the coming of +our Divine Saviour there happened in the City of Paris an amorous +adventure, through the deed of a man of Tours, of which the town and +even the king's court was never tired of speaking. As to the clergy, +you will see by that which is related the part they played in this +history, the testimony of which was by them preserved. This said man, +called the Touranian by the common people, because he had been born in +our merry Touraine, had for his true name that of Anseau. In his +latter days the good man returned into his own country and was mayor +of St. Martin, according to the chronicles of the abbey of that town; +but at Paris he was a great silversmith. + +But now in his prime, by his great honesty, his labours, and so forth, +he became a citizen of Paris and subject of the king, whose protection +he bought, according to the custom of the period. He had a house built +for him free of all quit-rent, close the Church of St. Leu, in the Rue +St. Denis, where his forge was well-known by those in want of fine +jewels. Although he was a Touranian, and had plenty of spirit and +animation, he kept himself virtuous as a true saint, in spite of the +blandishments of the city, and had passed the days of his green season +without once dragging his good name through the mire. Many will say +this passes the bounds of that faculty of belief which God has placed +in us to aid that faith due to the mysteries of our holy religion; so +it is needful to demonstrate abundantly the secret cause of this +silversmith's chastity. And, first remember that he came into the town +on foot, poor as Job, according to the old saying; and unlike all the +inhabitants of our part of the country, who have but one passion, he +had a character of iron, and persevered in the path he had chosen as +steadily as a monk in vengeance. As a workman, he laboured from morn +to night; become a master, he laboured still, always learning new +secrets, seeking new receipts, and in seeking, meeting with inventions +of all kinds. Late idlers, watchmen, and vagrants saw always a modest +lamp shining through the silversmith's window, and the good man +tapping, sculpting, rounding, distilling, modeling, and finishing, +with his apprentices, his door closed and his ears open. Poverty +engendered hard work, hard work engendered his wonderful virtue, and +his virtue engendered his great wealth. Take this to heart, ye +children of Cain who eat doubloons and micturate water. If the good +silversmith felt himself possessed with wild desires, which now in one +way, now another, seize upon an unhappy bachelor when the devil tries +to get hold of him, making the sign of the cross, the Touranian +hammered away at his metal, drove out the rebellious spirits from his +brain by bending down over the exquisite works of art, little +engravings, figures of gold and silver forms, with which he appeased +the anger of his Venus. Add to this that this Touranian was an artless +man, of simple understanding, fearing God above all things, then +robbers, next to that of nobles, and more than all, a disturbance. +Although if he had two hands, he never did more than one thing at a +time. His voice was as gentle as that of a bridegroom before marriage. +Although the clergy, the military, and others gave him no reputation +for knowledge, he knew well his mother's Latin, and spoke it correctly +without waiting to be asked. Latterly the Parisians had taught him to +walk uprightly, not to beat the bush for others, to measure his +passions by the rule of his revenues, not to let them take his leather +to make other's shoes, to trust no one farther then he could see them, +never to say what he did, and always to do what he said; never to +spill anything but water; to have a better memory than flies usually +have; to keep his hands to himself, to do the same with his purse; to +avoid a crowd at the corner of a street, and sell his jewels for more +than they cost him; all things, the sage observance of which gave him +as much wisdom as he had need of to do business comfortably and +pleasantly. And so he did, without troubling anyone else. And watching +this good little man unobserved, many said, + +"By my faith, I should like to be this jeweller, even were I obliged +to splash myself up to the eyes with the mud of Paris during a hundred +years for it." + +They might just as well have wished to be king of France, seeing that +the silversmith had great powerful nervous arms, so wonderfully strong +that when he closed his fist the cleverest trick of the roughest +fellow could not open it; from which you may be sure that whatever he +got hold of he stuck to. More than this, he had teeth fit to masticate +iron, a stomach to dissolve it, a duodenum to digest it, a sphincter +to let it out again without tearing, and shoulders that would bear a +universe upon them, like that pagan gentleman to whom the job was +confided, and whom the timely arrival of Jesus Christ discharged from +the duty. He was, in fact, a man made with one stroke, and they are +the best, for those who have to be touched are worth nothing, being +patched up and finished at odd times. In short, Master Anseau was a +thorough man, with a lion's face, and under his eyebrows a glance that +would melt his gold if the fire of his forge had gone out, but a +limpid water placed in his eyes by the great Moderator of all things +tempered this great ardour, without which he would have burnt up +everything. Was he not a splendid specimen of a man? + +With such a sample of his cardinal virtues, some persist in asking why +the good silversmith remained as unmarried as an oyster, seeing that +these properties of nature are of good use in all places. But these +opinionated critics, do they know what it is to love? Ho! Ho! Easy! +The vocation of a lover is to go, to come, to listen, to watch, to +hold his tongue, to talk, to stick in a corner, to make himself big, +to make himself little, to agree, to play music, to drudge, to go to +the devil wherever he may be, to count the gray peas in the dovecote, +to find flowers under the snow, to say paternosters to the moon, to +pat the cat and pat the dog, to salute the friends, to flatter the +gout, or the cold of the aunt, to say to her at opportune moments "You +have good looks, and will yet write the epitaph of the human race." To +please all the relations, to tread on no one's corns, to break no +glasses, to waste no breath, to talk nonsense, to hold ice in his +hand, to say, "This is good!" or, "Really, madam, you are very +beautiful so." And to vary that in a hundred different ways. To keep +himself cool, to bear himself like a nobleman, to have a free tongue +and a modest one, to endure with a smile all the evils the devil may +invent on his behalf, to smother his anger, to hold nature in control, +to have the finger of God, and the tail of the devil, to reward the +mother, the cousin, the servant; in fact, to put a good face on +everything. In default of which the female escapes and leaves you in a +fix, without giving a single Christian reason. In fact, the lover of +the most gentle maid that God ever created in a good-tempered moment, +had he talked like a book, jumped like a flea, turned about like dice, +played like King David, and built for the aforesaid woman the +Corinthian order of the columns of the devil, if he failed in the +essential and hidden thing which pleases his lady above all others, +which often she does not know herself and which he has need to know, +the lass leaves him like a red leper. She is quite right. No one can +blame her for so doing. When this happens some men become ill- +tempered, cross, and more wretched than you can possibly imagine. Have +not many of them killed themselves through this petticoat tyranny? In +this matter the man distinguishes himself from the beast, seeing that +no animal ever yet lost his senses through blighted love, which proves +abundantly that animals have no souls. The employment of a lover is +that of a mountebank, of a soldier, of a quack, of a buffoon, of a +prince, of a ninny, of a king, of an idler, of a monk, of a dupe, of a +blackguard, of a liar, of a braggart, of a sycophant, of a numskull, +of a frivolous fool, of a blockhead, of a know-nothing, of a knave. An +employment from which Jesus abstained, in imitation of whom folks of +great understanding likewise disdain it; it is a vocation in which a +man of worth is required to spend above all things, his time, his +life, his blood, his best words, besides his heart, his soul, and his +brain; things to which the women are cruelly partial, because directly +their tongues begin to go, they say among themselves that if they have +not the whole of a man they have none of him. Be sure, also, that +there are cats, who, knitting their eyebrows, complain that a man does +but a hundred things for them, for the purpose of finding out if there +be a hundred, at first seeing that in everything they desire the most +thorough spirit of conquest and tyranny. And this high jurisprudence +has always flourished among the customs of Paris, where the women +receive more wit at their baptism than in any other place in the +world, and thus are mischievous by birth. + +But our silversmith, always busy at his work, burnishing gold and +melting silver, had no time to warm his love or to burnish and make +shine his fantasies, nor to show off, gad about, waste his time in +mischief, or to run after she-males. Now seeing that in Paris virgins +do not fall into the beds of young men any more than roast pheasants +into the streets, not even when the young men are royal silversmiths, +the Touranian had the advantage of having, as I have before observed, +a continent member in his shirt. However, the good man could not close +his eyes to the advantage of nature with which were so amply furnished +the ladies with whom he dilated upon the value of his jewels. So it +was that, after listening to the gentle discourse of the ladies, who +tried to wheedle and to fondle him to obtain a favour from him, the +good Touranian would return to his home, dreamy as a poet, wretched as +a restless cuckoo, and would say to himself, "I must take to myself a +wife. She would keep the house tidy, keep the plates hot for me, fold +the clothes for me, sew my buttons on, sing merrily about the house, +tease me to do everything according to her taste, would say to me as +they all say to their husbands when they want a jewel, 'Oh, my own +pet, look at this, is it not pretty?' And every one in the quarter +will think of my wife and then of me, and say 'There's a happy man.' +Then the getting married, the bridal festivities, to fondle Madame +Silversmith, to dress her superbly, give her a fine gold chain, to +worship her from crown to toe, to give her the whole management of the +house, except the cash, to give her a nice little room upstairs, with +good windows, pretty, and hung around with tapestry, with a wonderful +chest in it and a fine large bed, with twisted columns and curtains of +yellow silk. He would buy her beautiful mirrors, and there would +always be a dozen or so of children, his and hers, when he came home +to greet him." Then wife and children would vanish into the clouds. He +transferred his melancholy imaginings to fantastic designs, fashioned +his amorous thoughts into grotesque jewels that pleased their buyers +well, they not knowing how many wives and children were lost in the +productions of the good man, who, the more talent he threw into his +art, the more disordered he became. Now if God had not had pity upon +him, he would have quitted this world without knowing what love was, +but would have known it in the other without that metamorphosis of the +flesh which spares it, according to Monsieur Plato, a man of some +authority, but who, not being a Christian, was wrong. But, there! +these preparatory digressions are the idle digressions and fastidious +commentaries which certain unbelievers compel a man to wind about a +tale, swaddling clothes about an infant when it should run about stark +naked. May the great devil give them a clyster with his red-hot three- +pronged fork. I am going on with my story now without further +circumlocution. + +This is what happened to the silversmith in the one-and-fortieth year +of his age. One Sabbath-day while walking on the left bank of the +Seine, led by an idle fancy, he ventured as far as that meadow which +has since been called the Pre-aux-Clercs and which at that time was in +the domain of the abbey of St. Germain, and not in that of the +University. There, still strolling on the Touranian found himself in +the open fields, and there met a poor young girl who, seeing that he +was well-dressed, curtsied to him, saying "Heaven preserve you, +monseigneur." In saying this her voice had such sympathetic sweetness +that the silversmith felt his soul ravished by this feminine melody, +and conceived an affection for the girl, the more so as, tormented +with ideas of marriage as he was, everything was favourable thereto. +Nevertheless, as he had passed the wench by he dared not go back, +because he was as timid as a young maid who would die in her +petticoats rather than raise them for her pleasure. But when he was a +bowshot off he bethought him that he was a man who for ten years had +been a master silversmith, had become a citizen, and was a man of +mark, and could look a woman in the face if his fancy so led him, the +more so as his imagination had great power over him. So he turned +suddenly back, as if he had changed the direction of his stroll, and +came upon the girl, who held by an old cord her poor cow, who was +munching grass that had grown on the border of a ditch at the side of +the road. + +"Ah, my pretty one," said he, "you are not overburdened with the goods +of this world that you thus work with your hands upon the Lord's Day. +Are you not afraid of being cast into prison?" + +"Monseigneur," replied the maid, casting down her eyes, "I have +nothing to fear, because I belong to the abbey. The Lord Abbot has +given me leave to exercise the cow after vespers." + +"You love your cow, then, more than the salvation of your soul?" + +"Ah, monseigneur, our beast is almost the half of our poor lives." + +"I am astonished, my girl, to see you poor and in rags, clothed like a +fagot, running barefoot about the fields on the Sabbath, when you +carry about you more treasures than you could dig up in the grounds of +the abbey. Do not the townspeople pursue, and torment you with love?" + +"Oh, never monseigneur. I belong to the abbey", replied she, showing +the jeweller a collar on her left arm like those that the beasts of +the field have, but without the little bell, and at the same time +casting such a deplorable glance at our townsman that he was stricken +quite sad, for by the eyes are communicated contagions of the heart +when they are strong. + +"And what does this mean?" he said, wishing to hear all about it. + +And he touched the collar, upon which was engraved the arms of the +abbey very distinctly, but which he did not wish to see. + +"Monseigneur, I am the daughter of an homme de corps; thus whoever +unites himself to me by marriage, will become a bondsman, even if he +were a citizen of Paris, and would belong body and goods to the abbey. +If he loved me otherwise, his children would still belong to the +domain. For this reason I am neglected by everyone, abandoned like a +poor beast of the field. But what makes me most unhappy is, that +according to the pleasure of monseigneur the abbot, I shall be coupled +at some time with a bondsman. And if I were less ugly than I am, at +the sight of my collar the most amorous would flee from me as from the +black plague." + +So saying, she pulled her cow by the cord to make it follow her. + +"And how old are you?" asked the silversmith. + +"I do not know, monseigneur; but our master, the abbot, has kept +account." + +This great misery touched the heart of the good man, who had in his +day eaten the bread of sorrow. He regulated his pace to the girl's, +and they went together towards the water in painful silence. The good +man gazed at the fine forehead, the round red arms, the queen's waist, +the feet dusty, but made like those of a Virgin Mary; and the sweet +physiognomy of this girl, who was the living image of St. Genevieve, +the patroness of Paris, and the maidens who live in the fields. And +make sure that this Joseph suspected the pretty white of this sweet +girl's breasts, which were by a modest grace carefully covered with an +old rag, and looked at them as a schoolboy looks at a rosy apple on a +hot day. Also, may you depend upon it that these little hillocks of +nature denoted a wench fashioned with delicious perfection, like +everything that the monks possess. Now, the more it was forbidden our +silversmith to touch them, the more his mouth watered for these fruits +of love. And his heart leaped almost into his mouth. + +"You have a fine cow," said he. + +"Would you like a little milk?" replied she. "It is so warm these +early days of May. You are far from the town." + +In truth, the sky was a cloudless blue, and glared like a forge. +Everything was radiant with youth, the leaves, the air, the girls, the +lads; everything was burning, was green, and smelt like balm. This +naive offer, made without the hope of recompense, though a byzant +would not have paid for the special grace of this speech; and the +modesty of the gesture with which the poor girl turned to him gained +the heart of the jeweller, who would have liked to be able to put this +bondswoman into the skin of a queen, and Paris at her feet. + +"Nay, my child, I thirst not for milk, but for you, whom I would have +leave to liberate." + +"That cannot be, and I shall die the property of the abbey. For years +we have lived so, from father to son, from mother to daughter. Like my +ancestors, I shall pass my days on this land, as will also my +children, because the abbot cannot legally let us go." + +"What!" said the Touranian; "has no gallant been tempted by your +bright eyes to buy your liberty, as I bought mine from the king?" + +"It would cost too dear; thus it is those whom at first sight I +please, go as they came." + +"And you have never thought of gaining another country in company of a +lover on horseback on a fleet courser?" + +"Oh yes. But, monseigneur, if I were caught I should be hanged at +least; and my gallant, even were he a lord, would lose more than one +domain over it, besides other things. I am not worth so much; besides, +the abbey has arms longer than my feet are swift. So I live on in +perfect obedience to God, who has placed me in this plight." + +"What is your father?" + +"He tends the vines in the gardens of the abbey." + +"And your mother?" + +"She is a washerwoman." + +"And what is your name?" + +"I have no name, dear sir. My father was baptised Etienne, my mother +is Etienne, and I am Tiennette, at your service." + +"Sweetheart," said the jeweller, "never has woman pleased me as you +please me; and I believe that your heart contains a wealth of +goodness. Now, since you offered yourself to my eyes at the moment +when I was firmly deliberating upon taking a companion, I believe that +I see in you a sign from heaven! And if I am not displeasing to you, I +beg you to accept me as your friend." + +Immediately the maid lowered her eyes. These words were uttered in +such a way, in so grave a tone, so penetrating a manner, that the said +Tiennette burst into tears. + +"No, monseigneur, I should be the cause of a thousand +unpleasantnesses, and of your misfortune. For a poor bondsmaid, the +conversation has gone far enough." + +"Ho!" cried Anseau; "you do not know, my child, the man you are +dealing with." + +The Touranian crossed himself, joined his hands, and said-- + +"I make a vow to Monsieur the Saint Eloi, under whose invocation are +the silversmiths, to fashion two images of pure silver, with the best +workmanship I am able to perform. One shall be a statue of Madame the +Virgin, to this end, to thank her for the liberty of my dear wife; and +the other for my said patron, if I am successful in my undertaking to +liberate the bondswoman Tiennette here present, and for which I rely +upon his assistance. Moreover, I swear by my eternal salvation, to +persevere with courage in this affair, to spend therein all I process, +and only to quit it with my life. God has heard me," said he. "And +you, little one," he added, turning towards the maid. + +"Ha! monseigneur, look! My cow is running about the fields," cried +she, sobbing at the good man's knees. "I will love you all my life; +but withdraw your vow." + +"Let us to look after the cow," said the silversmith, raising her, +without daring yet to kiss her, although the maid was well disposed to +it. + +"Yes," said she, "for I shall be beaten." + +And behold now the silversmith, scampering after the cursed cow, who +gave no heed to their amours; she was taken by the horns, and held in +the grip of the Touranian, who for a trifle would have thrown her in +the air, like a straw. + +"Adieu, my sweet one! If you go into the town, come to my house, over +against St Leu's Church. I am called Master Anseau, and am silversmith +to the King of France, at the sign of St. Eloi. Make me a promise to +be in this field the next Lord's-Day; fail not to come, even should it +rain halberds." + +"Yes, dear Sir. For this I would leap the walls, and, in gratitude, +would I be yours without mischief, and cause you no sorrow, at the +price of my everlasting future. Awaiting the happy moment, I will pray +God for you with all my heart." + +And then she remained standing like a stone saint, moving not, until +she could see the good citizen no longer, and he went away with +lagging steps, turning from time to time further to gaze upon her. And +when he was far off, and out of her sight, she stayed on, until +nightfall, lost in meditation, knowing not if she had dreamed that +which had happened to her. Then she went back to the house, where she +was beaten for staying out, but felt not the blows. The good +silversmith could neither eat nor drink, but closed his workshop, +possessed of this girl, thinking of nothing but this girl, seeing +everywhere the girl; everything to him being to possess this girl. Now +when the morrow was come, he went with great apprehension towards the +abbey to speak to the lord abbot. On the road, however, he suddenly +thought of putting himself under the protection of one of the king's +people, and with this idea returned to the court, which was then held +in the town. Being esteemed by all for his prudence, and loved for his +little works and kindnesses, the king's chamberlain--for whom he had +once made, for a present to a lady of the court, a golden casket set +with precious stones and unique of its kind--promised him assistance, +had a horse saddled for himself, and a hack for the silversmith, with +whom he set out for the abbey, and asked to see the abbot, who was +Monseigneur Hugon de Sennecterre, aged ninety-three. Being come into +the room with the silversmith, waiting nervously to receive his +sentence, the chamberlain begged the abbot to sell him in advance a +thing which was easy for him to sell, and which would be pleasant to +him. + +To which the abbot replied, looking at the chamberlain-- + +"That the canons inhibited and forbade him thus to engage his word." + +"Behold, my dear father," said the chamberlain, "the jeweller of the +Court who has conceived a great love for a bondswoman belonging to +your abbey, and I request you, in consideration of my obliging you in +any such desire as you may wish to see accomplished, to emancipate +this maid." + +"Which is she?" asked the abbot of the citizen. + +"Her name is Tiennette," answered the silversmith, timidly. + +"Ho! ho!" said the good old Hugon, smiling. "The angler has caught us +a good fish! This is a grave business, and I know not how to decide by +myself." + +"I know, my father, what those words mean," said that chamberlain, +knitting his brows. + +"Fine sir," said the abbot, "know you what this maid is worth?" + +The abbot ordered Tiennette to be fetched, telling his clerk to dress +her in her finest clothes, and to make her look as nice as possible. + +"Your love is in danger," said that chamberlain to the silversmith, +pulling him on one side. "Dismiss this fantasy. You can meet anywhere, +even at Court, with women of wealth, young and pretty, who would +willingly marry you. For this, if need be, the king would assist you +by giving you some title, which in course of time would enable you to +found a good family. Are you sufficiently well furnished with crowns +to become the founder of a noble line?" + +"I know not, monseigneur," replied Anseau. "I have put money by." + +"Then see if you cannot buy the manumission of this maid. I know the +monks. With them money does everything." + +"Monseigneur," said the silversmith to the abbot, coming towards him, +"you have the charge and office representing here below the goodness +of God, who is often clement towards us, and has infinite treasures of +mercy for our sorrows. Now, I will remember you each evening and each +morning in my prayers, and never forget that I received my happiness +at your hands, if you aid me to gain this maid in lawful wedlock, +without keeping in servitude the children born of this union. And for +this I will make you a receptacle for the Holy Eucharist, so +elaborate, so rich with gold, precious stones and winged angels, that +no other shall be like it in all Christendom. It shall remain unique, +it shall dazzle your eyesight, and shall be so far the glory of your +altar, that the people of the towns and foreign nobles shall rush to +it, so magnificent shall it be." + +"My son," replied the abbot "have you lost your senses? If you are so +resolved to have this wench for a legal wife, your goods and your +person belong to the Chapter of the abbey." + +"Yes, monseigneur, I am passionately in love with this girl, and more +touched with her misery and her Christian heart than even with her +perfections; but I am," said he, with tears in his eyes, "still more +astonished at your harshness, and I say it although I know that my +fate is in your hands. Yes, monseigneur, I know the law; and if my +goods fall to your domain, if I become a bondsman, if I lose my house +and my citizenship, I will still keep that engine, gained by my +labours and my studies, on which lies there," cried he, striking his +forehead "in a place of which no one, save God, can be lord but +myself. And your whole abbey could not pay for the special creations +which proceed therefrom. You may have my body, my wife, my children, +but nothing shall get you my engine; nay, not even torture, seeing +that I am stronger than iron is hard, and more patient than sorrow is +great." + +So saying, the silversmith, enraged by the calmness of the abbot, who +seemed resolved to acquire for the abbey the good man's doubloons, +brought down his fist upon an oaken chair and shivered it into +fragments, for it split as under the blow of a mace. + +"Behold, monseigneur, what kind of servant you will have, and of an +artificer of things divine you will make a mere cart-horse." + +"My son," replied the abbot, "you have wrongfully broken my chair, and +lightly judged my mind. This wench belongs to the abbey and not to me. +I am the faithful servant of the rights and customs of this glorious +monastery; although I might grant this woman license to bear free +children, I am responsible for this to God and to the abbey. Now, +since there was here an altar, bondsmen and monks, /id est/, from time +immemorial, there has never occurred the case of a citizen becoming +the property of the abbey by marriage with a bondswoman. Now, +therefore, is there need to exercise the right, and to make use of it +so that it would not be lost, weakened, worn out, or fallen into +disuse, which would occasion a thousand difficulties. And this is of +higher advantage to the State and to the abbey than your stones, +however beautiful they be, seeing that we have treasure wherewith to +buy rare jewels, and that no treasure can establish customs and laws. +I call upon the king's chamberlain to bear witness to the infinite +pains which his majesty takes every day to fight for the establishment +of his orders." + +"That is to close my mouth," said the chamberlain. + +The silversmith, who was not a great scholar, remained thoughtful. +Then came Tiennette, clean as a new pin, her hair raised up, dressed +in a robe of white wool with a blue sash, with tiny shoes and white +stockings; in fact, so royally beautiful, so noble in her bearing was +she, that the silversmith was petrified with ecstasy, and the +chamberlain confessed he had never seen so perfect a creature. +Thinking there was too much danger in this sight for the poor +jeweller, he led him into the town, and begged him to think no further +of the affair, since the abbey was not likely to liberate so good a +bait for the citizens and nobles of the Parisian stream. In fact, the +Chapter let the poor lover know that if he married this girl he must +resolve to yield up his goods and his house to the abbey, consider +himself a bondsman, both he and the children of the aforesaid +marriage; although, by a special grace, the abbey would let him his +house on the condition of his giving an inventory of his furniture and +paying a yearly rent, and coming during eight days to live in a shed +adjoining the domain, thus performing an act of service. The +silversmith, to whom everyone spoke of the cupidity of the monks, saw +clearly that the abbot would incommutably maintain this order, and his +soul was filled with despair. At one time he determined to burn down +the monastery; at another, he proposed to lure the abbot into a place +where he could torment him until he had signed a charter for +Tiennette's liberation; in fact a thousand ideas possessed his brain, +and as quickly evaporated. But after much lamentation he determined to +carry off the girl, and fly with her into her a sure place from which +nothing could draw him, and made his preparations accordingly; for +once out of the kingdom, his friends or the king could better tackle +the monks and bring them to reason. The good man counted, however, +without his abbot, for going to the meadows, he found Tiennette no +more there, and learned that she was confined in the abbey, and with +much rigour, that to get at her it would be necessary to lay siege to +the monastery. Then Master Anseau passed his time in tears, +complaints, and lamentations; and all the city, the townspeople, and +housewives, talked of his adventure, the noise of which was so great, +that the king sent for the old abbot to court, and demanded of him why +he did not yield under the circumstances to the great love of the +silversmith, and why he did not put into practice Christian charity. + +"Because, monseigneur," replied the priest, "all rights are knit +together like the pieces of a coat of mail, and if one makes default, +all fail. If this girl was taken from us against our wish, and if the +custom were not observed, your subjects would soon take off your +crown, and raise up in various places violence and sedition, in order +to abolish the taxes and imposts that weigh upon the populace." + +The king's mouth was closed. Everyone was eager to know the end of +this adventure. So great was the curiosity that certain lords wagered +that the Touranian would desist from his love, and the ladies wagered +to the contrary. The silversmith having complained to the queen that +the monks had hidden his well-beloved from his sight, she found the +deed detestable and horrible; and in consequence of her commands to +the lord abbot it was permitted to the Touranian to go every day into +the parlour of the abbey, where came Tiennette, but under the control +of an old monk, and she always came attired in great splendour like a +lady. The two lovers had no other license than to see each other, and +to speak to each other, without being able to snatch the smallest atom +of pleasure, and always grew their love more powerful. + +One day Tiennette discoursed thus with her lover--"My dear lord, I +have determined to make you a gift of my life, in order to relieve +your suffering, and in this wise; in informing myself concerning +everything I have found a means to set aside the rights of the abbey, +and to give you all the joy you hope for from my fruition." + +"The ecclesiastical judge has ruled that as you become a bondsman only +by accession, and because you were not born a bondsman, your servitude +will cease with the cause that makes you a serf. Now, if you love me +more than all else, lose your goods to purchase our happiness, and +espouse me. Then when you have had your will of me, when you have +hugged me and embraced me to your heart's content, before I have +offspring will I voluntarily kill myself, and thus you become free +again; at least you will have the king on your side, who, it is said, +wishes you well. And without doubt, God will pardon me that I cause my +own death, in order to deliver my lord spouse." + +"My dear Tiennette," cried the jeweller, "it is finished--I will be a +bondsman, and thou wilt live to make my happiness as long as my days. +In thy company, the hardest chains will weigh but lightly, and little +shall I reck the want of gold, when all my riches are in thy heart, +and my only pleasure in thy sweet body. I place myself in the hands of +St. Eloi, will deign in this misery to look upon us with pitying eyes, +and guard us from all evils. Now I shall go hence to a scrivener to +have the deeds and contracts drawn up. At least, dear flower of my +days, thou shalt be gorgeously attired, well housed, and served like a +queen during thy lifetime, since the lord abbot leaves me the earnings +of my profession." + +Tiennette, crying and laughing, tried to put off her good fortune and +wished to die, rather than reduce to slavery a free man; but the good +Anseau whispered such soft words to her, and threatened so firmly to +follow her to the tomb, that she agreed to the said marriage, thinking +that she could always free herself after having tasted the pleasures +of love. + +When the submission of the Touranian became known in the town, and +that for his sweetheart he yielded up his wealth and his liberty, +everyone wished to see him. The ladies of the court encumbered +themselves with jewels, in order to speak with him, and there fell +upon him as from the clouds women enough to make up for the time he +had been without them; but if any of them approached Tiennette in +beauty, none had her heart. To be brief, when the hour of slavery and +love was at hand, Anseau remolded all of his gold into a royal crown, +in which he fixed all his pearls and diamonds, and went secretly to +the queen, and gave it to her, saying, "Madame, I know not how to +dispose of my fortune, which you here behold. Tomorrow everything that +is found in my house will be the property of the cursed monks, who +have had no pity on me. Then deign, madame, to accept this. It is a +slight return for the joy which, through you, I have experienced in +seeing her I love; for no sum of money is worth one of her glances. I +do not know what will become of me, but if one day my children are +delivered, I rely upon your queenly generosity." + +"Well said, good man," cried the king. "The abbey will one day need my +aid and I will not lose the remembrance of this." + +There was a vast crowd at the abbey for the nuptials of Tiennette, to +whom the queen presented the bridal dress, and to whom the king +granted a licence to wear every day golden rings in her ears. When the +charming pair came from the abbey to the house of Anseau (now serf) +over against St. Leu, there were torches at the windows to see them +pass, and a double line in the streets, as though it were a royal +entry. The poor husband had made himself a collar of gold, which he +wore on his left arm in token of his belonging to the abbey of St. +Germain. But in spite of his servitude the people cried out, "Noel! +Noel!" as to a new crowned king. And the good man bowed to them +gracefully, happy as a lover, and joyful at the homage which every one +rendered to the grace and modesty of Tiennette. Then the good +Touranian found green boughs and violets in crowns in his honour; and +the principal inhabitants of the quarter were all there, who as a +great honour, played music to him, and cried to him, "You will always +be a noble man in spite of the abbey." You may be sure that the happy +pair indulged an amorous conflict to their hearts' content; that the +good man's blows were vigorous; and that his sweetheart, like a good +country maiden, was of a nature to return them. Thus they lived +together a whole month, happy as the doves, who in springtime build +their nest twig by twig. Tiennette was delighted with the beautiful +house and the customers, who came and went away astonished at her. +This month of flowers past, there came one day, with great pomp, the +good old Abbot Hugon, their lord and master, who entered the house, +which then belonged not the jeweller but to the Chapter, and said to +the two spouses:-- + +"My children, you are released, free and quit of everything; and I +should tell you that from the first I was much struck with the love +which united you one to the other. The rights of the abbey once +recognised, I was, so far as I was concerned, determined to restore +you to perfect enjoyment, after having proved your loyalty by the test +of God. And this manumission will cost you nothing." Having thus said, +he gave them each a little tap with his hand on the cheek. And they +fell about his knees weeping tears of joy for such good reasons. The +Touranian informed the people of the neighbourhood, who picked up in +the street the largesse, and received the predictions of the good +Abbott Hugon. + +Then it was with great honour, Master Anseau held the reins of his +mule, so far as the gate of Bussy. During the journey the jeweller, +who had taken a bag of silver, threw the pieces to the poor and +suffering, crying, "Largesse, largesse to God! God save and guard the +abbot! Long live the good Lord Hugon!" And returning to his house he +regaled his friends, and had fresh wedding festivities, which lasted a +fortnight. You can imagine that the abbot was reproached by the +Chapter, for his clemency in opening the door for such good prey to +escape, so that when a year after the good man Hugon fell ill, his +prior told him that it was a punishment from Heaven because he had +neglected the sacred interests of the Chapter and of God. + +"If I have judged that man aright," said the abbot, "he will not +forget what he owes us." + +In fact, this day happening by chance to be the anniversary of the +marriage, a monk came to announce that the silversmith supplicated his +benefactor to receive him. Soon he entered the room where the abbot +was, and spread out before him two marvellous shrines, which since +that time no workman has surpassed, in any portion of the Christian +world, and which were named "Vow of a Steadfast Love." These two +treasures are, as everyone knows, placed on the principal altar of the +church, and are esteemed as an inestimable work, for the silversmith +had spent therein all his wealth. Nevertheless, this wealth, far from +emptying his purse, filled it full to overflowing, because so rapidly +increased his fame and his fortune that he was able to buy a patent of +nobility and lands, and he founded the house of Anseau, which has +since been held in great honour in fair Touraine. + +This teaches us to have always recourse to God and the saints in all +the undertakings of life, to be steadfast in all things, and, above +all, that a great love triumphs over everything, which is an old +sentence; but the author has rewritten it because it is a most +pleasant one. + + + +CONCERNING A PROVOST WHO DID NOT RECOGNISE THINGS + +In the good town of Bourges, at the time when that lord the king +disported himself there, who afterwards abandoned his search after +pleasure to conquer the kingdom, and did indeed conquer it, lived +there a provost, entrusted by him with the maintenance of order, and +called the provost-royal. From which came, under the glorious son of +the said king, the office of provost of the hotel, in which behaved +rather harshly my lord Tristan of Mere, of whom these tales oft make +mention, although he was by no means a merry fellow. I give this +information to the friends who pilfer from old manuscripts to +manufacture new ones, and I show thereby how learned these Tales +really are, without appearing to be so. Very well, then, this provost +was named Picot or Picault, of which some made picotin, picoter, and +picoree; by some Pitot or Pitaut, from which comes /pitance/; by +others in Languedoc, Pichot from which comes nothing comes worth +knowing; by these Petiot or Petiet; by those Petitot and Petinault, or +Petiniaud, which was the masonic appellation; but at Bourges he was +called Petit, a name which was eventually adopted by the family, which +has multiplied exceedingly, for everywhere you find "/des Petits/," +and so he will be called Petit in this narrative. I have given this +etymology in order to throw a light on our language, and show how our +citizens have finished by acquiring names. But enough of science. + +This said provost, who had as many names as there were provinces into +which the court went, was in reality a little bit of a man, whose +mother had given him so strange a hide, that when he wanted to laugh +he used to stretch his cheeks like a cow making water, and this smile +at court was called the provost's smile. One day the king, hearing +this proverbial expression used by certain lords, said jokingly-- + +"You are in error, gentlemen, Petit does not laugh, he's short of skin +below the mouth." + +But with his forced laugh Petit was all the more suited to his +occupation of watching and catching evil-doers. In fact, he was worth +what he cost. For all malice, he was a bit of a cuckold, for all vice, +he went to vespers, for all wisdom he obeyed God, when it was +convenient; for all joy he had a wife in his house; and for all change +in his joy he looked for a man to hang, and when he was asked to find +one he never failed to meet him; but when he was between the sheets he +never troubled himself about thieves. Can you find in all Christendom +a more virtuous provost? No! All provosts hang too little, or too +much, while this one just hanged as much as was necessary to be a +provost. + +This good fellow had for his wife in legitimate marriage, and much to +the astonishment of everyone, the prettiest little woman in Bourges. +So it was that often, while on his road to the execution, he would ask +God the same question as several others in the town did--namely, why +he, Petit, he the sheriff, he the provost royal, had to himself, +Petit, provost royal and sheriff, a wife so exquisitely shapely, said +dowered with charms, that a donkey seeing her pass by would bray with +delight. To this God vouchsafed no reply, and doubtless had his +reasons. But the slanderous tongues of the town replied for him, that +the young lady was by no means a maiden when she became the wife of +Petit. Others said she did not keep her affections solely for him. The +wags answered, that donkeys often get into fine stables. Everyone had +taunts ready which would have made a nice little collection had anyone +gathered them together. From them, however, it is necessary to take +nearly four-fourths, seeing that Petit's wife was a virtuous woman, +who had a lover for pleasure and a husband for duty. How many were +there in the town as careful of their hearts and mouths? If you can +point out one to me, I'll give you a kick or a half-penny, whichever +you like. You will find some who have neither husband nor lover. +Certain females have a lover and no husband. Ugly women have a husband +and no lover. But to meet with a woman who, having one husband and one +lover, keeps to the deuce without trying for the trey, there is the +miracle, you see, you greenhorns, blockheads, and dolts! Now then, put +the true character of this virtuous woman on the tablets of your +memory, go your ways, and let me go mine. + +The good Madame Petit was not one of those ladies who are always on +the move, running hither and thither, can't keep still a moment, but +trot about, worrying, hurrying, chattering, and clattering, and had +nothing in them to keep them steady, but are so light that they run +after a gastric zephyr as after their quintessence. No; on the +contrary, she was a good housewife, always sitting in her chair or +sleeping in her bed, ready as a candlestick, waiting for her lover +when her husband went out, receiving the husband when the lover had +gone. This dear woman never thought of dressing herself only to annoy +and make other wives jealous. Pish! She had found a better use for the +merry time of youth, and put life into her joints in order to make the +best use of it. Now you know the provost and his good wife. + +The provost's lieutenant in duties matrimonial, duties which are so +heavy that it takes two men to execute them, was a noble lord, a +landowner, who disliked the king exceedingly. You must bear this in +mind, because it is one of the principal points of the story. The +Constable, who was a thorough Scotch gentleman, had seen by chance +Petit's wife, and wished to have a little conversation with her +comfortably, towards the morning, just the time to tell his beads, +which was Christianly honest, or honestly Christian, in order to argue +with her concerning the things of science or the science of things. +Thinking herself quite learned enough, Madame Petit, who was, as has +been stated, a virtuous, wise, and honest wife, refused to listen to +the said constable. After certain arguments, reasonings, tricks and +messages, which were of no avail, he swore by his great black +/coquedouille/ that he would rip up the gallant although he was a man +of mark. But he swore nothing about the lady. This denotes a good +Frenchman, for in such a dilemma there are certain offended persons +who would upset the whole business of three persons by killing four. +The constable wagered his big black /coquedouille/ before the king and +the lady of Sorel, who were playing cards before supper; and his +majesty was well pleased, because he would be relieved of this noble, +that displeased him, and that without costing him a Thank You. + +"And how will you manage the affair?" said Madame de Sorel to him, +with a smile. + +"Oh, oh!" replied the constable. "You may be sure, madame, I do not +wish to lose my big black coquedouille." + +"What was, then, this great coquedouille?" + +"Ha, ha! This point is shrouded in darkness to a degree that would +make you ruin your eyes in ancient books; but it was certainly +something of great importance. Nevertheless, let us put on our +spectacles, and search it out. /Douille/ signifies in Brittany, a +girl, and /coque/ means a cook's frying pan. From this word has come +into France that of /coquin/--a knave who eats, licks, laps, sucks, +and fritters his money away, and gets into stews; is always in hot +water, and eats up everything, leads an idle life, and doing this, +becomes wicked, becomes poor, and that incites him to steal or beg. +From this it may be concluded by the learned that the great +coquedouille was a household utensil in the shape of a kettle used for +cooking things." + +"Well," continued the constable, who was the Sieur of Richmond, "I +will have the husband ordered to go into the country for a day and a +night, to arrest certain peasants suspected of plotting treacherously +with the English. Thereupon my two pigeons, believing their man +absent, will be as merry as soldiers off duty; and, if a certain thing +takes place, I will let loose the provost, sending him, in the king's +name, to search the house where the couple will be, in order that he +may slay our friend, who pretends to have this good cordelier all to +himself." + +"What does this mean?" said the Lady of Beaute. + +"Friar . . . fryer . . . an /equivoque/," answered the king, smiling. + +"Come to supper," said Madame Agnes. "You are bad men, who with one +word insult both the citizens' wives and a holy order." + +Now, for a long time, Madame Petit had longed to have a night of +liberty, during which she might visit the house of the said noble, +where she could make as much noise as she liked, without waking the +neighbours, because at the provost's house she was afraid of being +overheard, and had to content herself well with the pilferings of +love, little tastes, and nibbles, daring at the most only to trot, +while what she desired was a smart gallop. On the morrow, therefore, +the lady's-maid went off about midday to the young lord's house, and +told the lover--from whom she received many presents, and therefore in +no way disliked him--that he might make his preparations for pleasure, +and for supper, for that he might rely upon the provost's better half +being with him in the evening both hungry and thirsty. + +"Good!" said he. "Tell your mistress I will not stint her in anything +she desires." + +The pages of the cunning constable, who were watching the house, +seeing the gallant prepare for his gallantries, and set out the +flagons and the meats, went and informed their master that everything +had happened as he wished. Hearing this, the good constable rubbed his +hands thinking how nicely the provost would catch the pair. He +instantly sent word to him, that by the king's express commands he was +to return to town, in order that he might seize at the said lord's +house an English nobleman, with whom he was vehemently suspected to be +arranging a plot of diabolical darkness. But before he put this order +into execution, he was to come to the king's hotel, in order that he +might understand the courtesy to be exercised in this case. The +provost, joyous at the chance of speaking to the king, used such +diligence that he was in town just at that time when the two lovers +were singing the first note of their evening hymn. The lord of +cuckoldom and its surrounding lands, who is a strange lord, managed +things so well, that madame was only conversing with her lord lover at +the time that her lord spouse was talking to the constable and the +king; at which he was pleased, and so was his wife--a case of concord +rare in matrimony. + +"I was saying to monseigneur," said the constable to the provost, as +he entered the king's apartment, "that every man in the kingdom has a +right to kill his wife and her lover if he finds them in an act of +infidelity. But his majesty, who is clement, argues that he has only a +right to kill the man, and not the woman. Now what would you do, Mr. +Provost, if by chance you found a gentleman taking a stroll in that +fair meadow of which laws, human and divine, enjoin you alone to +cultivate the verdure?" + +"I would kill everything," said the provost; "I would scrunch the five +hundred thousand devils of nature, flower and seed, and send them +flying, the pips and apples, the grass and the meadow, the woman and +the man." + +"You would be in the wrong," said the king. "That is contrary to the +laws of the Church and of the State; of the State, because you might +deprive me of a subject; of the Church, because you would be sending +an innocent to limbo unshriven." + +"Sire, I admire your profound wisdom, and I clearly perceive you to be +the centre of all justice." + +"We can then only kill the knight--Amen," said constable, "Kill the +horseman. Now go quickly to the house of the suspected lord, but +without letting yourself be bamboozled, do not forget what is due to +his position." + +The provost, believing he would certainly be Chancellor of France if +he properly acquitted himself of the task, went from the castle into +the town, took his men, arrived at the nobleman's residence, arranged +his people outside, placed guards at all the doors, opened noiselessly +by order of the king, climbs the stairs, asks the servants in which +room their master is, puts them under arrest, goes up alone, and +knocks at the door of the room where the two lovers are tilting in +love's tournament, and says to them-- + +"Open, in the name of our lord the king!" + +The lady recognised her husband's voice, and could not repress a +smile, thinking that she had not waited for the king's orders to do +what she had done. But after laughter came terror. Her lover took his +cloak, threw it over him, and came to the door. There, not knowing +that his life was in peril, he declared that he belonged to the court +and to the king's household. + +"Bah!" said the provost. "I have a strict order from the king; and +under pain of being treated as a rebel, you are bound instantly to +receive me." + +Then the lord went out to him, still holding the door. + +"What do you want here?" + +"An enemy of our lord the king, whom we command you to deliver into +our hands, otherwise you must follow me with him to the castle." + +This, thought the lover, is a piece of treachery on the part of the +constable, whose proposition my dear mistress treated with scorn. We +must get out of this scrape in some way. Then turning towards the +provost, he went double or quits on the risk, reasoning thus with the +cuckold:-- + +"My friend, you know that I consider you but as gallant a man as it is +possible for a provost to be in the discharge of his duty. Now, can I +have confidence in you? I have here with me the fairest lady of the +court. As for Englishmen, I have not sufficient of one to make the +breakfast of the constable, M. de Richmond, who sends you here. This +is (to be candid with you) the result of a bet made between myself and +the constable, who shares it with the King. Both have wagered that +they know who is the lady of my heart; and I have wagered to the +contrary. No one more than myself hates the English, who took my +estates in Piccadilly. Is it not a knavish trick to put justice in +motion against me? Ho! Ho! my lord constable, a chamberlain is worth +two of you, and I will beat you yet. My dear Petit, I give you +permission to search by night and by day, every nook and cranny of my +house. But come in here alone, search my room, turn the bed over, do +what you like. Only allow me to cover with a cloth or a handkerchief +this fair lady, who is at present in the costume of an archangel, in +order that you may not know to what husband she belongs." + +"Willingly," said the provost. "But I am an old bird, not easily +caught with chaff, and would like to be sure that it is really a lady +of the court, and not an Englishman, for these English have flesh as +white and soft as women, and I know it well, because I've hanged so +many of them." + +"Well then," said the lord, "seeing of what crime I am suspected, from +which I am bound to free myself, I will go and ask my lady-love to +consent for a moment to abandon her modesty. She is too fond of me to +refuse to save me from reproach. I will beg her to turn herself over +and show you a physiognomy, which will in no way compromise her, and +will be sufficient to enable you to recognise a noble woman, although +she will be in a sense upside down." + +"All right," said the provost. + +The lady having heard every word, had folded up all her clothes, and +put them under the bolster, had taken off her chemise, that her +husband should not recognise it, had twisted her head up in a sheet, +and had brought to light the carnal convexities which commenced where +her spine finished. + +"Come in, my friend," said the lord. + +The provost looked up the chimney, opened the cupboard, the clothes' +chest, felt under the bed, in the sheets, and everywhere. Then he +began to study what was on the bed. + +"My lord," said he, regarding his legitimate appurtenances, "I have +seen young English lads with backs like that. You must forgive me +doing my duty, but I must see otherwise." + +"What do you call otherwise?" said the lord. + +"Well, the other physiognomy, or, if you prefer it, the physiognomy of +the other." + +"Then you will allow madame to cover herself and arrange only to show +you sufficient to convince you," said the lover, knowing that the lady +had a mark or two easy to recognise. "Turn your back a moment, so that +my dear lady may satisfy propriety." + +The wife smiled at her lover, kissed him for his dexterity, arranging +herself cunningly; and the husband seeing in full that which the jade +had never let him see before, was quite convinced that no English +person could be thus fashioned without being a charming Englishwoman. + +"Yes, my lord," he whispered in the ear of his lieutenant, "this is +certainly a lady of the court, because the towns-women are neither so +well formed nor so charming." + +Then the house being thoroughly searched, and no Englishman found, the +provost returned, as the constable had told him, to the king's +residence. + +"Is he slain?" said the constable. + +"Who?" + +"He who grafted horns upon your forehead." + +"I only saw a lady in his couch, who seemed to be greatly enjoying +herself with him." + +"You, with your own eyes, saw this woman, cursed cuckold, and you did +not kill your rival?" + +"It was not a common woman, but a lady of the court." + +"You saw her?" + +"And verified her in both cases." + +"What do you mean by those words?" cried the king, who was bursting +with laughter. + +"I say, with all the respect due to your Majesty, that I have verified +the over and the under." + +"You do not, then, know the physiognomies of your own wife, you old +fool without memory! You deserve to be hanged." + +"I hold those features of my wife in too great respect to gaze upon +them. Besides she is so modest that she would die rather than expose +an atom of her body." + +"True," said the king; "it was not made to be shown." + +"Old coquedouille! that was your wife," said the constable. + +"My lord constable, she is asleep, poor girl!" + +"Quick, quick, then! To horse! Let us be off, and if she be in your +house I'll forgive you." + +Then the constable, followed by the provost, went to the latter's +house in less time than it would have taken a beggar to empty the +poor-box. + +"Hullo! there, hi!" + +Hearing the noise made by the men, which threatened to bring the walls +about their ears, the maid-servant opened the door, yawning and +stretching her arms. The constable and the provost rushed into the +room, where, with great difficulty, they succeeded in waking the lady, +who pretended to be terrified, and was so soundly asleep that her eyes +were full of gum. At this the provost was in great glee, saying to the +constable that someone had certainly deceived him, that his wife was a +virtuous woman, and was more astonished than any of them at these +proceedings. The constable turned on his heel and departed. The good +provost began directly to undress to get to bed early, since this +adventure had brought his good wife to his memory. When he was +harnessing himself, and was knocking off his nether garments, madame, +still astonished, said to him-- + +"Oh, my dear husband, what is the meaning of all this uproar--this +constable and his pages, and why did he come to see if I was asleep? +Is it to be henceforward part of a constable's duty to look after +our . . ." + +"I do not know," said the provost, interrupting her, to tell her what +had happened to him. + +"And you saw without my permission a lady of the court! Ha! ha! heu! +heu! hein!" + +Then she began to moan, to weep, and to cry in such a deplorable +manner and so loudly, that her lord was quite aghast. + +"What's the matter, my darling? What is it? What do you want?" + +"Ah! You won't love me any more are after seeing how beautiful court +ladies are!" + +"Nonsense, my child! They are great ladies. I don't mind telling you +in confidence; they are great ladies in every respect." + +"Well," said she, "am I nicer?" + +"Ah," said he, "in a great measure. Yes!" + +"They have, then, great happiness," said she, sighing, "when I have so +much with so little beauty." + +Thereupon the provost tried a better argument to argue with his good +wife, and argued so well that she finished by allowing herself to be +convinced that Heaven has ordained that much pleasure may be obtained +from small things. + +This shows us that nothing here below can prevail against the Church +of Cuckolds. + + + +ABOUT THE MONK AMADOR, WHO WAS A GLORIOUS ABBOT OF TURPENAY + +One day that it was drizzling with rain--a time when the ladies remain +gleefully at home, because they love the damp, and can have at their +apron strings the men who are not disagreeable to them--the queen was +in her chamber, at the castle of Amboise, against the window curtains. +There, seated in her chair, she was working at a piece of tapestry to +amuse herself, but was using her needle heedlessly, watching the rain +fall into the Loire, and was lost in thought, where her ladies were +following her example. The king was arguing with those of his court +who had accompanied him from the chapel--for it was a question of +returning to dominical vespers. His arguments, statements, and +reasonings finished, he looked at the queen, saw that she was +melancholy, saw that the ladies were melancholy also, and noted the +fact that they were all acquainted with the mysteries of matrimony. + +"Did I not see the Abbot of Turpenay here just now?" said he. + +Hearing these words, there advanced towards the king the monk, who, by +his constant petitions, rendered himself so obnoxious to Louis the +Eleventh, that that monarch seriously commanded his provost-royal to +remove him from his sight; and it has been related in the first volume +of these Tales, how the monk was saved through the mistake of Sieur +Tristan. The monk was at this time a man whose qualities had grown +rapidly, so much so that his wit had communicated a jovial hue to his +face. He was a great favourite with the ladies, who crammed him with +wine, confectioneries, and dainty dishes at the dinners, suppers, and +merry-makings, to which they invited him, because every host likes +those cheerful guests of God with nimble jaws, who say as many words +as they put away tit-bits. This abbot was a pernicious fellow, who +would relate to the ladies many a merry tale, at which they were only +offended when they had heard them; since, to judge them, things must +be heard. + +"My reverend father," said the king, "behold the twilight hour, in +which ears feminine may be regaled with certain pleasant stories, for +the ladies can laugh without blushing, or blush without laughing, as +it suits them best. Give us a good story--a regular monk's story. I +shall listen to it, i'faith, with pleasure, because I want to be +amused, and so do the ladies." + +"We only submit to this, in order to please your lordship," said the +queen; "because our good friend the abbot goes a little too far." + +"Then," replied the king, turning towards the monk, "read us some +Christian admonition, holy father, to amuse madame." + +"Sire, my sight is weak, and the day is closing." + +"Give us a story, then, that stops at the girdle." + +"Ah, sire!" said the monk, smiling, "the one I am thinking of stops +there; but it commences at the feet." + +The lords present made such gallant remonstrances and supplications to +the queen and her ladies, that, like the good Bretonne that she was, +she gave the monk a gentle smile, and said-- + +"As you will, my father; but you must answer to God for our sins." + +"Willingly, madame; if it be your pleasure to take mine, you will be a +gainer." + +Everyone laughed, and so did queen. The king went and sat by his dear +wife, well beloved by him, as everyone knows. The courtiers received +permission to be seated--the old courtiers, of course, understood; for +the young ones stood, by the ladies' permission, beside their chairs, +to laugh at the same time as they did. Then the Abbot of Turpenay +gracefully delivered himself of the following tale, the risky passages +of which he gave in a low, soft, flute-like voice:-- + +About a hundred years ago at the least, there occurred great quarrels +in Christendom because there were two popes at Rome, each one +pretending to be legitimately elected, which caused great annoyance to +the monasteries, abbeys, and bishoprics, since, in order to be +recognised by as many as possible, each of the two popes granted +titles and rights to each adherent, the which made double owners +everywhere. Under these circumstances, the monasteries and abbeys that +were at war with their neighbours would not recognise both the popes, +and found themselves much embarrassed by the other, who always gave +the verdict to the enemies of the Chapter. This wicked schism brought +about considerable mischief, and proved abundantly that error is worse +in Christianity than the adultery of the Church. + +Now at this time, when the devil was making havoc among our +possessions, the most illustrious abbey of Turpenay, of which I am at +present the unworthy ruler, had a heavy trial on concerning the +settlements of certain rights with the redoubtable Sire de Cande, an +idolatrous infidel, a relapsed heretic, and most wicked lord. This +devil, sent upon earth in the shape of a nobleman, was, to tell the +truth, a good soldier, well received at court, and a friend of the +Sieur Bureau de la Riviere; who was a person to whom the king was +exceedingly partial--King Charles the Fifth, of glorious memory. +Beneath the shelter of the favour of this Sieur de la Riviere, Lord of +Cande did exactly as he pleased in the valley of the Indre, where he +used to be master of everything, from Montbazon to Usse. You may be +sure that his neighbours were terribly afraid of him, and to save +their skulls let him have his way. They would, however, have preferred +him under the ground to above it, and heartily wished him bad luck; +but he troubled himself little about that. In the whole valley the +noble abbey alone showed fight to this demon, for it has always been a +doctrine of the Church to take into her lap the weak and suffering, +and use every effort to protect the oppressed, especially those whose +rights and privileges are menaced. + +For this reason this rough warrior hated monks exceedingly, especially +those of Turpenay, who would not allow themselves to be robbed of +their rights either by force or stratagem. He was well pleased at the +ecclesiastical schism, and waited the decision of our abbey, +concerning which pope they should choose, to pillage them, being quite +ready to recognise the one to whom the abbot of Turpenay should refuse +his obedience. Since his return to his castle, it was his custom to +torment and annoy the priests whom he encountered upon his domains in +such a manner, that a poor monk, surprised by him on his private road, +which was by the water-side, perceived no other method of safety then +to throw himself into the river, where, by a special miracle of the +Almighty, whom the good man fervently invoked, his gown floated him on +the Indre, and he made his way comfortably to the other side, which he +attained in full view of the lord of Cande, who was not ashamed to +enjoy the terrors of a servant of God. Now you see of what stuff this +horrid man was made. The abbot, to whom at that time, the care of our +glorious abbey was committed, led a most holy life, and prayed to God +with devotion; but he would have saved his own soul ten times, of such +good quality was his religion, before finding a chance to save the +abbey itself from the clutches of this wretch. Although he was very +perplexed, and saw the evil hour at hand, he relied upon God for +succour, saying that he would never allow the property of the Church +to be touched, and that He who had raised up the Princess Judith for +the Hebrews, and Queen Lucretia for the Romans, would keep his most +illustrious abbey of Turpenay, and indulged in other equally sapient +remarks. But his monks, who--to our shame I confess it--were +unbelievers, reproached him with his happy-go-lucky way of looking at +things, and declared that, to bring the chariot of Providence to the +rescue in time, all the oxen in the province would have to be yoked +it; that the trumpets of Jericho were no longer made in any portion of +the world; that God was disgusted with His creation, and would have +nothing more to do with it: in short, a thousand and one things that +were doubts and contumelies against God. + +At this desperate juncture there rose up a monk named Amador. This +name had been given him by way of a joke, since his person offered a +perfect portrait of the false god Aegipan. He was like him, strong in +the stomach; like him, had crooked legs; arms hairy as those of a +saddler, a back made to carry a wallet, a face as red as the phiz of a +drunkard, glistening eyes, a tangled beard, was hairy faced, and so +puffed out with fat and meat that you would have fancied him in an +interesting condition. You may be sure that he sung his matins on the +steps of the wine-cellar, and said his vespers in the vineyards of +Lord. He was as fond of his bed as a beggar with sores, and would go +about the valley fuddling, faddling, blessing the bridals, plucking +the grapes, and giving them to the girls to taste, in spite of the +prohibition of the abbot. In fact, he was a pilferer, a loiterer, and +a bad soldier of the ecclesiastical militia, of whom nobody in the +abbey took any notice, but let him do as he liked from motives of +Christian charity, thinking him mad. + +Amador, knowing that it was a question of the ruin of the Abbey, in +which he was as snug as a bug in a rug, put up his bristles, took +notice of this and of that, went into each of the cells, listened in +the refectory, shivered in his shoes, and declared that he would +attempt to save the abbey. He took cognisance of the contested points, +received from the abbot permission to postpone the case, and was +promised by the whole Chapter the Office of sub-prior if he succeeded +in putting an end to the litigation. Then he set off across the +country, heedless of the cruelty and ill-treatment of the Sieur de +Cande, saying that he had that within his gown which would subdue him. +He went his way with nothing but the said gown for his viaticum: but +then in it was enough fat to feed a dwarf. He selected to go to the +chateau, a day when it rained hard enough to fill the tubs of all the +housewives, and arrived without meeting a soul, in sight of Cande, and +looking like a drowned dog, stepped bravely into the courtyard, and +took shelter under a sty-roof to wait until the fury of the elements +had calmed down, and placed himself boldly in front of the room where +the owner of the chateau should be. A servant perceiving him while +laying the supper, took pity on him, and told him to make himself +scarce, otherwise his master would give him a horsewhipping, just to +open the conversation, and asked him what made him so bold as to enter +a house where monks were hated more than a red leper. + +"Ah!" said Amador, "I am on my way to Tours, sent thither by my lord +abbot. If the lord of Cande were not so bitter against the poor +servant of God, I should not be kept during such a deluge in the +courtyard, but in the house. I hope that he will find mercy in his +hour of need." + +The servant reported these words to his master, who at first wished to +have the monk thrown into the big trough of the castle among the other +filth. But the lady of Cande, who had great authority over her spouse, +and was respected by him, because through her he expected a large +inheritance, and because she was a little tyrannical, reprimanded him, +saying, that it was possible this monk was a Christian; that in such +weather thieves would succour an officer of justice; that, besides, it +was necessary to treat him well to find out to what decision the +brethren of Turpenay had come with regard to the schism business, and +that her advice was put an end by kindness and not by force to the +difficulties arisen between the abbey and the domain of Cande, because +no lord since the coming of Christ had ever been stronger than the +Church, and that sooner or later the abbey would ruin the castle; +finally, she gave utterance to a thousand wise arguments, such as +ladies use in the height of the storms of life, when they have had +about enough of them. Amador's face was so piteous, his appearance so +wretched, and so open to banter, that the lord, saddened by the +weather, conceived the idea of enjoying a joke at his expense, +tormenting him, playing tricks on him, and of giving him a lively +recollection of his reception at the chateau. Then this gentleman, who +had secret relations with his wife's maid, sent this girl, who was +called Perrotte, to put an end to his ill-will towards the luckless +Amador. As soon as the plot had been arranged between them, the wench, +who hated monks, in order to please her master, went to the monk, who +was standing under the pigsty, assuming a courteous demeanour in order +the better to please him, said-- + +"Holy father, the master of the house is ashamed to see a servant of +God out in the rain when there is room for him indoors, a good fire in +the chimney, and a table spread. I invite you in his name and that of +the lady of the house to step in." + +"I thank the lady and lord, not for their hospitality which is a +Christian thing, but for having sent as an ambassador to me, a poor +sinner, an angel of such delicate beauty that I fancy I see the Virgin +over our altar." + +Saying which, Amador raised his nose in the air, and saluted with the +two flakes of fire that sparkled in his bright eyes the pretty +maidservant, who thought him neither so ugly nor so foul, nor so +bestial; when, following Perrotte up the steps, Amador received on the +nose, cheeks, and other portions of his face a slash of the whip, +which made him see all the lights of the Magnificat, so well was the +dose administered by the Sieur de Cande, who, busy chastening his +greyhounds pretended not see the monk. He requested Amador to pardon +him this accident, and ran after the dogs who had caused the mischief +to his guest. The laughing servant, who knew what was coming, had +dexterously kept out of the way. Noticing this business, Amador +suspected the relations of Perrotte and the chevalier, concerning whom +it is possible that the lasses of the valley had already whispered +something into his ear. Of the people who were then in the room not +one made room for the man of God, who remained right in the draught +between the door and the window, where he stood freezing until the +moment when the Sieur de Cande, his wife, and his aged sister, +Mademoiselle de Cande, who had the charge of the young heiress of the +house, aged about sixteen years, came and sat in their chairs at the +head of the table, far from the common people, according to the old +custom usual among the lords of the period, much to their discredit. + +The Sieur de Cande, paying no attention to the monk, let him sit at +the extreme end of the table, in a corner, where two mischievous lads +had orders to squeeze and elbow him. Indeed these fellows worried his +feet, his body, and his arms like real torturers, poured white wine +into his goblet for water, in order to fuddle him, and the better to +amuse themselves with him; but they made him drink seven large jugfuls +without making belch, break wind, sweat or snort, which horrified them +exceedingly, especially as his eye remained as clear as crystal. +Encouraged, however, by a glance from their lord, they still kept +throwing, while bowing to him, gravy into his beard, and wiping it dry +in a manner to tear every hair of it out. The varlet who served a +caudle baptised his head with it, and took care to let the burning +liquor trickle down poor Amador's backbone. All this agony he endured +with meekness, because the spirit of God was in him, and also the hope +of finishing the litigation by holding out in the castle. +Nevertheless, the mischievous lot burst out into such roars of +laughter at the warm baptism given by the cook's lad to the soaked +monk, even the butler making jokes at his expense, that the lady of +Cande was compelled to notice what was going on at the end of the +table. Then she perceived Amador, who had a look of sublime +resignation upon his face, and was endeavouring to get something out +of the big beef bones that had been put upon his pewter platter. At +this moment the poor monk, who had administered a dexterous blow of +the knife to a big ugly bone, took it into his hairy hands, snapped it +in two, sucked the warm marrow out of it, and found it good. + +"Truly," said she to herself, "God has put great strength into this +monk!" + +At the same time she seriously forbade the pages, servants, and others +to torment the poor man, to whom out of mockery they had just given +some rotten apples and maggoty nuts. He, perceiving that the old lady +and her charge, the lady and the servants had seen him manoeuvring the +bone, pushed backed his sleeve, showed the powerful muscles of his +arm, placed nuts near his wrist on the bifurcation of the veins, and +crushed them one by one by pressing them with the palm of his hand so +vigorously that they appeared like ripe medlars. He also crunched them +between his teeth, white as the teeth of a dog, husk, shell, fruit, +and all, of which he made in a second a mash which he swallowed like +honey. He crushed them between two fingers, which he used like +scissors to cut them in two without a moment's hesitation. + +You may be sure that the women were silent, that the men believed the +devil to be in the monk; and had it not been for his wife and the +darkness of the night, the Sieur de Cande, having the fear of God +before his eyes, would have kicked him out of the house. Everyone +declared that the monk was a man capable of throwing the castle into +the moat. Therefore, as soon as everyone had wiped his mouth, my lord +took care to imprison this devil, whose strength was terrible to +behold, and had him conducted to a wretched little closet where +Perrotte had arranged her machine in order to annoy him during the +night. The tom-cats of the neighbourhood had been requested to come +and confess to him, invited to tell him their sins in embryo towards +the tabbies who attracted their affections, and also the little pigs +for whom fine lumps of tripe had been placed under the bed in order to +prevent them becoming monks, of which they were very desirous, by +disgusting them with the style of libera, which the monk would sing to +them. At every movement of poor Amador, who would find short horse- +hair in the sheets, he would bring down cold water on to the bed, and +a thousand other tricks were arranged, such are usually practised in +castles. Everyone went to bed in expectation of the nocturnal revels +of the monk, certain that they would not be disappointed, since he had +been lodged under the tiles at the top of a little tower, the guard of +the door of which was committed to dogs who howled for a bit of him. +In order to ascertain what language the conversations with the cats +and pigs would be carried on, the Sire came to stay with his dear +Perrotte, who slept in the next room. + +As soon as he found himself thus treated, Amador drew from his bag a +knife, and dexterously extricated himself. Then he began to listen in +order to find out the ways of the place, and heard the master of the +house laughing with his maid-servant. Suspecting their manoeuvres, he +waited till the moment when the lady of the house should be alone in +bed, and made his way into her room with bare feet, in order that his +sandals should not be in his secrets. He appeared to her by the light +of the lamp in the manner in which monks generally appear during the +night--that is, in a marvellous state, which the laity find it +difficult long to sustain; and the thing is an effect of the frock, +which magnifies everything. Then having let her see that he was all a +monk, he made the following little speech-- + +"Know, madame, that I am sent by Jesus and the Virgin Mary to warn you +to put an end to the improper perversities which are taking place--to +the injury of your virtue, which is treacherously deprived of your +husband's best attention, which he lavishes upon your maid. What is +the use of being a lady if the seigneurial dues are received +elsewhere. According to this, your servant is the lady and you are the +servant. Are not all the joys bestowed upon her due to you? You will +find them all amassed in our Holy Church, which is the consolation of +the afflicted. Behold in me the messenger, ready to pay these debts if +you do not renounce them." + +Saying this, the good monk gently loosened his girdle in which he was +incommoded, so much did he appear affected by the sight of those +beauties which the Sieur de Cande disdained. + +"If you speak truly, my father, I will submit to your guidance," said +she, springing lightly out of bed. "You are for sure, a messenger of +God, because you have been in a single day that which I had not +noticed here for a long time." + +Then she went, accompanied by Amador, whose holy robe she did not fail +to run her hand over, and was so struck when she found it real, that +she hoped to find her husband guilty; and indeed she heard him talking +about the monk in her servant's bed. Perceiving this felony, she went +into a furious rage and opened her mouth to resolve it into words-- +which is the usual method of women--and wished to kick up the devil's +delight before handing the girl over to justice. But Amador told her +that it would be more sensible to avenge herself first, and cry out +afterwards. + +"Avenge me quickly, then, my father," said she, "that I may begin to +cry out." + +Thereupon the monk avenged her most monastically with a good and ample +vengeance, that she indulged in as a drunkard who puts his lips to the +bunghole of a barrel; for when a lady avenges herself, she should get +drunk with vengeance, or not taste it at all. And the chatelaine was +revenged to that degree that she could not move; since nothing +agitates, takes away the breath, and exhausts, like anger and +vengeance. But although she were avenged, and doubly and trebly +avenged, yet would she not forgive, in order that she might reserve +the right of avenging herself with the monk, now here, now there. +Perceiving this love for vengeance, Amador promised to aid her in it +as long as her ire lasted, for he informed her that he knew in his +quality of a monk, constrained to meditate long on the nature of +things, an infinite number of modes, methods, and manners of +practicing revenge. + +Then he pointed out to her canonically what a Christian thing it is to +revenge oneself, because all through the Holy Scriptures God declares +Himself, above all things, to be a God of vengeance; and moreover, +demonstrates to us, by his establishment in the infernal regions, how +royally divine a thing vengeance is, since His vengeance is eternal. +From which it followed, that women with monks ought to revenge +themselves, under pain of not being Christians and faithful servants +of celestial doctrines. + +This dogma pleased the lady much, and she confessed that she had never +understood the commandments of the Church, and invited her well- +beloved monk to enlighten her thoroughly concerning them. Then the +chatelaine, whose vital spirits had been excited by the vengeance +which had refreshed them, went into the room where the jade was +amusing herself, and by chance found her with her hand where she, the +chatelaine, often had her eye--like the merchants have on their most +precious articles, in order to see that they were not stolen. They +were--according to President Lizet, when he was in a merry mood--a +couple taken in flagrant delectation, and looked dumbfounded, sheepish +and foolish. The sight that met her eyes displeased the lady beyond +the power of words to express, as it appeared by her discourse, of +which to roughness was similar to that of the water of a big pond when +the sluice-gates were opened. It was a sermon in three heads, +accompanied with music of a high gamut, varied in tones, with many +sharps among the keys. + +"Out upon virtue! my lord; I've had my share of it. You have shown me +that religion in conjugal faith is an abuse; this is then the reason +that I have no son. How many children have you consigned to this +common oven, this poor-box, this bottomless alms-purse, this leper's +porringer, the true cemetery of the House of Cande? I will know if I +am childless from a constitutional defect, or through your fault. I +will have handsome cavaliers, in order that I may have an heir. You +can get the bastards, I the legitimate children." + +"My dear," said the bewildered lord, "don't shout so." + +"But," replied the lady, "I will shout, and shout to make myself +heard, heard by the archbishop, heard by the legate, by the king, by +my brothers, who will avenge this infamy for me." + +"Do not dishonour your husband!" + +"This is dishonour then? You are right; but, my lord, it is not +brought about by you, but by this hussy, whom I will have sewn up in a +sack, and thrown into the Indre; thus your dishonour will be washed +away. Hi! there," she called out. + +"Silence, madame!" said the sire, as shamefaced as a blind man's dog; +because this great warrior, so ready to kill others, was like a child +in the hands of his wife, a state of affairs to which soldiers are +accustomed, because in them lies the strength and is found all the +dull carnality of matter; while, on the contrary, in woman is a subtle +spirit and a scintillation of perfumed flame that lights up paradise +and dazzles the male. This is the reason that certain women govern +their husbands, because mind is the master of matter. + +(At this the ladies began to laugh, as did also the king). + +"I will not be silent," said the lady of Cande (said the abbot, +continuing his tale); "I have been too grossly outraged. This, then, +is the reward of the wealth that I brought you, and of my virtuous +conduct! Did I ever refuse to obey you even during Lent, and on fast +days? Am I so cold as to freeze the sun? Do you think that I embrace +by force, from duty, or pure kindness of heart! Am I too hallowed for +you to touch? Am I a holy shrine? Was there need of a papal brief to +kiss me? God's truth! have you had so much of me that you are tired? +Am I not to your taste? Do charming wenches know more than ladies? Ha! +perhaps it is so, since she has let you work in the field without +sowing. Teach me the business; I will practice it with those whom I +take into my service, for it is settled that I am free. That is as we +should be. Your society was wearisome, and the little pleasure I +derived from it cost me too dear. Thank God! I am quit of you and your +whims, because I intend to retire to a monastery." . . . She meant to +say a convent, but this avenging monk had perverted her tongue. + +"And I shall be more comfortable in this monastery with my daughter, +than in this place of abominable wickedness. You can inherit from your +wench. Ha, ha! The fine lady of Cande! Look at her!" + +"What is the matter?" said Amador, appearing suddenly upon the scene. + +"The matter is, my father," replied she, "that my wrongs cry aloud for +vengeance. To begin with, I shall have this trollop thrown into the +river, sewn up in a sack, for having diverted the seed of the House of +Cande from its proper channel. It will be saving the hangman a job. +For the rest I will--" + +"Abandon your anger, my daughter," said the monk. "It is commanded us +by the Church to forgive those who trespass against us, if we would +find favour in the side of Heaven, because you pardon those who also +pardon others. God avenges himself eternally on those who have avenged +themselves, but keeps in His paradise those who have pardoned. From +that comes the jubilee, which is a day of great rejoicing, because all +debts and offences are forgiven. Thus it is a source of happiness to +pardon. Pardon! Pardon! To pardon is a most holy work. Pardon +Monseigneur de Cande, who will bless you for your gracious clemency, +and will henceforth love you much; This forgiveness will restore to +you the flower of youth; and believe, my dear sweet young lady, that +forgiveness is in certain cases the best means of vengeance. Pardon +your maid-servant, who will pray heaven for you. Thus God, supplicated +by all, will have you in His keeping, and will bless you with male +lineage for this pardon." + +Thus saying, the monk took the hand of the sire, placed it in that of +the lady, and added-- + +"Go and talk over the pardon." + +And then he whispered into the husband's ears this sage advice-- + +"My lord, use your best argument, and you will silence her with it, +because a woman's mouth it is only full of words when she is empty +elsewhere. Argue continually, and thus you will always have the upper +hand of your wife." + +"By the body of the Jupiter! There's good in this monk after all," +said the seigneur, as he went out. + +As soon as Amador found himself alone with Perrotte he spoke to her, +as follows-- + +"You are to blame, my dear, for having wished to torment a poor +servant of God; therefore are you now the object of celestial wrath, +which will fall upon you. To whatever place you fly it will always +follow you, will seize upon you in every limb, even after your death, +and will cook you like a pasty in the oven of hell, where you will +simmer eternally, and every day you will receive seven hundred +thousand million lashes of the whip, for the one I received through +you." + +"Ah! holy Father," said the wench, casting herself at the monk's feet, +"you alone can save me, for in your gown I should be sheltered from +the anger of God." + +Saying this, she raised the robe to place herself beneath it, and +exclaimed-- + +"By my faith! monks are better than knights." + +"By the sulphur of the devil! You are not acquainted with the monks?" + +"No," said Perrotte. + +"And you don't know the service that monks sing without saying a +word?" + +"No." + +Thereupon the monk went through this said service for her, as it is +sung on great feast days, with all the grand effects used in +monasteries, the psalms well chanted in f major, the flaming tapers, +and the choristers, and explained to her the /Introit/, and also the +/ite missa est/, and departed, leaving her so sanctified that the +wrath of heaven would have great difficulty in discovering any portion +of the girl that was not thoroughly monasticated. + +By his orders, Perrotte conducted him to Mademoiselle de Cande, the +lord's sister, to whom he went in order to learn if it was her desire +to confess to him, because monks came so rarely to the castle. The +lady was delighted, as would any good Christian have been, at such a +chance of clearing out her conscience. Amador requested her to show +him her conscience, and she having allowed him to see that which he +considered the conscience of old maids, he found it in a bad state, +and told her that the sins of women were accomplished there; that to +be for the future without sin it was necessary to have the conscience +corked up by a monk's indulgence. The poor ignorant lady having +replied that she did not know where these indulgences were to be had, +the monk informed her that he had a relic with him which enabled him +to grant one, that nothing was more indulgent than this relic, because +without saying a word it produced infinite pleasures, which is the +true, eternal and primary character of an indulgence. The poor lady +was so pleased with this relic, the virtue of which she tried in +various ways, that her brain became muddled, and she had so much faith +in it that she indulged as devoutly in indulgences as the Lady of +Cande had indulged in vengeances. This business of confession woke up +the younger Demoiselle de Cande, who came to watch the proceedings. +You may imagine that the monk had hoped for this occurrence, since his +mouth had watered at the sight of this fair blossom, whom he also +confessed, because the elder lady could not hinder him from bestowing +upon the younger one, who wished it, what remained of the indulgences. +But, remember, this pleasure was due to him for the trouble he had +taken. The morning having dawned, the pigs having eaten their tripe, +and the cats having become disenchanted with love, and having watered +all the places rubbed with herbs, Amador went to rest himself in his +bed, which Perrotte had put straight again. Every one slept, thanks to +the monk, so long, that no one in the castle was up before noon, which +was the dinner hour. The servants all believed the monk to be a devil +who had carried off the cats, the pigs, and also their masters. In +spite of these ideas however, every one was in the room at meal time. + +"Come, my father," said the chatelaine, giving her arm to the monk, +whom she put at her side in the baron's chair, to the great +astonishment of the attendants, because the Sire of Cande said not a +word. "Page, give some of this to Father Amador," said madame. + +"Father Amador has need of so and so," said the Demoiselle de Cande. + +"Fill up Father Amador's goblet," said the sire. + +"Father Amador has no bread," said the little lady. + +"What do you require, Father Amador?" said Perrotte. + +It was Father Amador here, and Father Amador there. He was regaled +like a little maiden on her wedding night. + +"Eat, father," said madame; "you made such a bad meal yesterday." + +"Drink, father," said the sire. "you are, s'blood! the finest monk I +have ever set eyes on." + +"Father Amador is a handsome monk," said Perrotte. + +"An indulgent monk," said the demoiselle. + +"A beneficent monk," said the little one. + +"A great monk," said the lady. + +"A monk who well deserves his name," said the clerk of the castle. + +Amador munched and chewed, tried all the dishes, lapped up the +hypocras, licked his chops, sneezed, blew himself out, strutted and +stamped about like a bull in a field. The others regarded him with +great fear, believing him to be a magician. Dinner over, the Lady of +Cande, the demoiselle, and the little one, besought the Sire of Cande +with a thousand fine arguments, to terminate the litigation. A great +deal was said to him by madame, who pointed out to him how useful a +monk was in a castle; by mademoiselle, who wished for the future to +polish up her conscience every day; by the little one, who pulled her +father's beard, and asked that this monk might always be at Cande. If +ever the difference were arranged, it would be by the monk: the monk +was of a good understanding, gentle and virtuous as a saint; it was a +misfortune to be at enmity with a monastery containing such monks. If +all the monks were like him, the abbey would always have everywhere +the advantage of the castle, and would ruin it, because this monk was +very strong. Finally, they gave utterance to a thousand reasons, which +were like a deluge of words, and were so pluvially showered down that +the sire yielded, saying, that there would never be a moment's peace +in the house until matters were settled to the satisfaction of the +women. Then he sent for the clerk, who wrote down for him, and also +for the monk. Then Amador surprised them exceedingly by showing them +the charters and the letters of credit, which would prevent the sire +and his clerk delaying this agreement. When the Lady of Cande saw them +about to put an end to this old case, she went to the linen chest to +get some fine cloth to make a new gown for her dear Amador. Every one +in the house had noticed how this old gown was worn, and it would have +been a great shame to leave such a treasure in such a worn-out case. +Everyone was eager to work at the gown. Madame cut it, the servant put +the hood on, the demoiselle sewed it, and the little demoiselle worked +at the sleeves. And all set so heartily to work to adorn the monk, +that the robe was ready by supper time, as was also the charter of +agreement prepared and sealed by the Sire de Cande. + +"Ah, my father!" said the lady, "if you love us, you will refresh +yourself after your merry labour by washing yourself in a bath that I +have had heated by Perrotte." + +Amador was then bathed in scented water. When he came out he found a +new robe of fine linen and lovely sandals ready for him, which made +him appear the most glorious monk in the world. + +Meanwhile the monks of Turpenay fearing for Amador, had ordered two of +their number to spy about the castle. These spies came round by the +moat, just as Perrotte threw Amador's greasy old gown, with other +rubbish, into it. Seeing which, they thought that it was all over with +the poor madman. They therefore returned, and announced that it was +certain Amador had suffered martyrdom in the service of the abbey. +Hearing which the abbot ordered them to assemble in the chapel and +pray to God, in order to assist this devoted servant in his torments. +The monk having supped, put his charter into his girdle, and wished to +return to Turpenay. Then he found at the foot of the steps madame's +mare, bridled and saddled, and held ready for him by a groom. The lord +had ordered his men-at-arms to accompany the good monk, so that no +accident might befall him. Seeing which, Amador pardoned the tricks of +the night before, and bestowed his benediction upon every one before +taking his departure from this converted place. Madame followed him +with her eyes, and proclaimed him a splendid rider. Perrotte declared +that for a monk he held himself more upright in the saddle than any of +the men-at-arms. Mademoiselle de Cande sighed. The little one wished +to have him for her confessor. + +"He has sanctified the castle," said they, when they were in the room +again. + +When Amador and his suite came to the gates of the abbey, a scene of +terror ensued, since the guardian thought that the Sire de Cande had +had his appetite for monks whetted by the blood of poor Amador, and +wished to sack the abbey. But Amador shouted with his fine bass voice, +and was recognised and admitted into the courtyard; and when he +dismounted from madame's mare there was enough uproar to make the +monks as a wild as April moons. They gave vent to shouts of joy in the +refectory, and all came to congratulate Amador, who waved the charter +over his head. The men-at-arms were regaled with the best wine in the +cellars, which was a present made to the monks of Turpenay by those of +Marmoustier, to whom belonged the lands of Vouvray. The good abbot +having had the document of the Sieur de Cande read, went about +saying-- + +"On these divine occasions there always appears the finger of God, to +whom we should render thanks." + +As the good abbot kept on at the finger of God, when thanking Amador, +the monk, annoyed to see the instrument of their delivery thus +diminished, said to him-- + +"Well, say that it is the arm, my father, and drop the subject." + +The termination of the trial between the Sieur de Cande and the abbey +of Turpenay was followed by a blessing which rendered him devoted to +the Church, because nine months after he had a son. Two years +afterwards Amador was chosen as abbot by the monks, who reckoned upon +a merry government with a madcap. But Amador become an abbot, became +steady and austere, because he had conquered his evil desires by his +labours, and recast his nature at the female forge, in which is that +fire which is the most perfecting, persevering, persistent, +perdurable, permanent, perennial, and permeating fire that there ever +was in the world. It is a fire to ruin everything, and it ruined so +well the evil that was in Amador, that it left only that which it +could not eat--that is, his wit, which was as clear as a diamond, +which is, as everyone knows, a residue of the great fire by which our +globe was formerly carbonised. Amador was then the instrument chosen +by Providence to reform our illustrious abbey, since he put everything +right there, watched night and day over his monks, made them all rise +at the hours appointed for prayers, counted them in chapel as a +shepherd counts his sheep, kept them well in hand, and punished their +faults severely, that he made them most virtuous brethren. + +This teaches us to look upon womankind more as the instruments of our +salvation than of our pleasure. Besides which, this narrative teaches +us that we should never attempt to struggle with the Churchmen. + +The king and the queen had found this tale in the best taste; the +courtiers confessed that they had never heard a better; and the ladies +would all willingly have been the heroines of it. + + + +BERTHA THE PENITENT + +I +HOW BERTHA REMAINED A MAIDEN IN THE MARRIED STATE + +About the time of the first flight of the Dauphin, which threw our +good Sire, Charles the Victorious, into a state of great dejection, +there happened a great misfortune to a noble House of Touraine, since +extinct in every branch; and it is owing to this fact that this most +deplorable history may now be safely brought to light. To aid him in +this work the author calls to his assistance the holy confessors, +martyrs, and other celestial dominations, who, by the commandments of +God, were the promoters of good in this affair. + +From some defect in his character, the Sire Imbert de Bastarnay, one +of the most landed lords in our land of Touraine, had no confidence in +the mind of the female of man, whom he considered much too animated, +on account of her numerous vagaries, and it may be he was right. In +consequence of this idea he reached his old age without a companion, +which was certainly not to his advantage. Always leading a solitary +life, this said man had no idea of making himself agreeable to others, +having only been mixed up with wars and the orgies of bachelors, with +whom he did not put himself out of the way. Thus he remained stale in +his garments, sweaty in his accoutrements, with dirty hands and an +apish face. In short, he looked the ugliest man in Christendom. As far +as regards his person only though, since so far as his heart, his +head, and other secret places were concerned, he had properties which +rendered him most praiseworthy. An angel (pray believe this) would +have walked a long way without meeting an old warrior firmer at his +post, a lord with more spotless scutcheon, of shorter speech, and more +perfect loyalty. + +Certain people have stated, they have heard that he gave sound advice, +and was a good and profitable man to consult. Was it not a strange +freak on the part of God, who plays sometimes jokes on us, to have +granted so many perfections to a man so badly apparelled? + +When he was sixty in appearance, although only fifty in years, he +determined to take unto himself a wife, in order to obtain lineage. +Then, while foraging about for a place where he might be able to find +a lady to his liking, he heard much vaunted, the great merits and +perfections of a daughter of the illustrious house of Rohan, which at +that time had some property in the province. The young lady in +question was called Bertha, that being her pet name. Imbert having +been to see her at the castle of Montbazon, was, in consequence of the +prettiness and innocent virtue of the said Bertha de Rohan, seized +with so great a desire to possess her, that he determined to make her +his wife, believing that never could a girl of such lofty descent fail +in her duty. This marriage was soon celebrated, because the Sire de +Rohan had seven daughters, and hardly knew how to provide for them +all, at a time when people were just recovering from the late wars, +and patching up their unsettled affairs. Now the good man Bastarnay +happily found Bertha really a maiden, which fact bore witness to her +proper bringing up and perfect maternal correction. So immediately the +night arrived when it should be lawful for him to embrace her, he got +her with a child so roughly that he had proof of the result two months +after marriage, which rendered the Sire Imbert joyful to a degree. In +order that we may here finish with this portion of the story, let us +at once state that from this legitimate grain was born the Sire de +Bastarnay, who was Duke by the grace of Louis the Eleventh, his +chamberlain, and more than that, his ambassador in the countries of +Europe, and well-beloved of this most redoubtable lord, to whom he +was never faithless. His loyalty was an heritage from his father, who +from his early youth was much attached to the Dauphin, whose fortunes +he followed, even in the rebellions, since he was a man to put Christ +on the cross again if it had been required by him to do so, which is +the flower of friendship rarely to be found encompassing princes and +great people. At first, the fair lady of Bastarnay comported herself +so loyally that her society caused those thick vapours and black +clouds to vanish, which obscured the mind of this great man, the +brightness of the feminine glory. Now, according to the custom of +unbelievers, he passed from suspicion to confidence so thoroughly, +that he yielded up the government of his house to the said Bertha, +made her mistress of his deeds and actions, queen of his honour, +guardian of his grey hairs, and would have slaughtered without a +contest any one who had said an evil word concerning this mirror of +virtue, on whom no breath had fallen save the breath issued from his +conjugal and marital lips, cold and withered as they were. To speak +truly on all points, it should be explained, that to this virtuous +behaviour considerably aided the little boy, who during six years +occupied day and night the attention of his pretty mother, who first +nourished him with her milk, and made of him a lover's lieutenant, +yielding to him her sweet breasts, which he gnawed at, hungry, as +often as he would, and was, like a lover, always there. This good +mother knew no other pleasures than those of his rosy lips, had no +other caresses that those of his tiny little hands, which ran about +her like the feet of playful mice, read no other book than that in his +clear baby eyes, in which the blue sky was reflected, and listened to +no other music than his cries, which sounded in her ears as angels' +whispers. You may be sure that she was always fondling him, had a +desire to kiss him at dawn of day, kissed him in the evening, would +rise in the night to eat him up with kisses, made herself a child as +he was a child, educated him in the perfect religion of maternity; +finally, behaved as the best and happiest mother that ever lived, +without disparagement to our Lady the Virgin, who could have had +little trouble in bringing up our Saviour, since he was God. + +This employment and the little taste which Bertha had for the blisses +of matrimony much delighted the old man, since he would have been +unable to return the affection of a too amorous wife, and desired to +practice economy, to have the wherewithal for a second child. + +After six years had passed away, the mother was compelled to give her +son into the hands of the grooms and other persons to whom Messire de +Bastarnay committed the task to mould him properly, in order that his +heir should have an heritage of the virtues, qualities and courage of +the house, as well as the domains and the name. Then did Bertha shed +many tears, her happiness being gone. For the great heart of this +mother it was nothing to have this well-beloved son after others, and +during only certain short fleeting hours. Therefore she became sad and +melancholy. Noticing her grief, the good man wished to bestow upon her +another child and could not, and the poor lady was displeased thereat, +because she declared that the making of a child wearied her much and +cost her dear. And this is true, or no doctrine is true, and you must +burn the Gospels as a pack of stories if you have not faith in this +innocent remark. + +This, nevertheless, to certain ladies (I did not mention men, since +they have a smattering of the science), will still seem an untruth. +The writer has taken care here to give the mute reasons for this +strange antipathy; I mean the distastes of Bertha, because I love the +ladies above all things, knowing that for want of the pleasure of +love, my face would grow old and my heart torment me. Did you ever +meet a scribe so complacent and so fond of the ladies as I am? No; of +course not. Therefore, do I love them devotedly, but not so often as I +could wish, since I have oftener in my hands my goose-quill than I +have the barbs with which one tickles their lips to make them laugh +and be merry in all innocence. I understand them, and in this way. + +The good man Bastarnay was not a smart young fellow of an amorous +nature, and acquainted with the pranks of the thing. He did not +trouble himself much about the fashion in which he killed a soldier so +long as he killed him; that he would have killed him in all ways +without saying a word in battle, is, of course, understood. The +perfect heedlessness in the matter of death was in accordance with the +nonchalance in the matter of life, the birth and manner of begetting a +child, and the ceremonies thereto appertaining. The good sire was +ignorant of the many litigious, dilatory, interlocutory and +proprietary exploits and the little humourings of the little fagots +placed in the oven to heat it; of the sweet perfumed branches gathered +little by little in the forests of love, fondlings, coddlings, +huggings, nursing, the bites at the cherry, the cat-licking, and other +little tricks and traffic of love which ruffians know, which lovers +preserve, and which the ladies love better than their salvation, +because there is more of the cat than the woman in them. This shines +forth in perfect evidence in their feminine ways. If you think it +worth while watching them, examine them attentively while they eat: +not one of them (I am speaking of women, noble and well-educated) puts +her knife in the eatables and thrusts it into her mouth, as do +brutally the males; no, they turn over their food, pick the pieces +that please them as they would gray peas in a dovecote; they suck the +sauces by mouthfuls; play with their knife and spoon as if they are +only ate in consequence of a judge's order, so much do they dislike to +go straight to the point, and make free use of variations, finesse, +and little tricks in everything, which is the especial attribute of +these creatures, and the reason that the sons of Adam delight in them, +since they do everything differently to themselves, and they do well. +You think so too. Good! I love you. + +Now then, Imbert de Bastarnay, an old soldier, ignorant of the tricks +of love, entered into the sweet garden of Venus as he would into a +place taken by assault, without giving any heed to the cries of the +poor inhabitants in tears, and placed a child as he would an arrow in +the dark. Although the gentle Bertha was not used to such treatment +(poor child, she was but fifteen), she believed in her virgin faith, +that the happiness of becoming a mother demanded this terrible, +dreadful bruising and nasty business; so during his painful task she +would pray to God to assist her, and recite /Aves/ to our Lady, +esteeming her lucky, in only having the Holy Ghost to endure. By this +means, never having experienced anything but pain in marriage, she +never troubled her husband to go through the ceremony again. Now +seeing that the old fellow was scarcely equal to it--as has been +before stated--she lived in perfect solitude, like a nun. She hated +the society of men, and never suspected that the Author of the world +had put so much joy in that from which she had only received infinite +misery. But she loved all the more her little one, who had cost her so +much before he was born. Do not be astonished, therefore, that she +held aloof from that gallant tourney in which it is the mare who +governs her cavalier, guides him, fatigues him, and abuses him, if he +stumbles. This is the true history of certain unhappy unions, +according to the statement of the old men and women, and the certain +reason of the follies committed by certain women, who too late +perceive, I know not how, that they have been deceived, and attempt to +crowd into a day more time than it will hold, to have their proper +share of life. That is philosophical, my friends. Therefore study well +this page, in order that you may wisely look to the proper government +of your wives, your sweethearts, and all females generally, and +particularly those who by chance may be under your care, from which +God preserve you. + +Thus a virgin in deed, although a mother, Bertha was in her one-and- +twentieth year a castle flower, the glory of her good man, and the +honour of the province. The said Bastarnay took great pleasure in +beholding this child come, go, and frisk about like a willow-switch, +as lively as an eel, as innocent as her little one, and still most +sensible and of sound understanding; so much so that he never +undertook any project without consulting her about it, seeing that if +the minds of these angels have not been disturbed in their purity, +they give a sound answer to everything one asks of them. At this time +Bertha lived near the town of Loches, in the castle of her lord, and +there resided, with no desire to do anything but look after her +household duties, after the old custom of the good housewives, from +which the ladies of France were led away when Queen Catherine and the +Italians came with their balls and merry-makings. To these practices +Francis the First and his successors, whose easy ways did as much harm +to the State of France as the goings on of the Protestants lent their +aid. This, however, has nothing to do with my story. + +About this time the lord and lady of Bastarnay were invited by the +king to come to his town of Loches, where for the present he was with +his court, in which the beauty of the lady of Bastarnay had made a +great noise. Bertha came to Loches, received many kind praises from +the king, was the centre of the homage of all the young nobles, who +feasted their eyes on this apple of love, and of the old ones, who +warmed themselves at this sun. But you may be sure that all of them, +old and young, would have suffered death a thousand times over to have +at their service this instrument of joy, which dazzled their eyes and +muddled their brains. Bertha was more talked about in Loches then +either God or the Gospels, which enraged a great many ladies who were +not so bountifully endowed with charms, and would have given all that +was left of their honour to have sent back to her castle this fair +gatherer of smiles. + +A young lady having early perceived that one of her lovers was smitten +with Bertha, took such a hatred to her that from it arose all the +misfortunes of the lady of Bastarnay; but also from the same source +came her happiness, and her discovery of the gentle land of love, of +which she was ignorant. This wicked lady had a relation who had +confessed to her, directly he saw Bertha, that to be her lover he +would be willing to die after a month's happiness with her. Bear in +mind that this cousin was as handsome as a girl is beautiful, had no +hair on his chin, would have gained his enemy's forgiveness by asking +for it, so melodious was his young voice, and was scarcely twenty +years of age. + +"Dear cousin," said she to him, "leave the room, and go to your house; +I will endeavour to give you this joy. But do not let yourself be seen +by her, nor by that old baboon-face by an error of nature on a +Christian's body, and to whom belongs this beauteous fay." + +The young gentleman out of the way, the lady came rubbing her +treacherous nose against Bertha's, and called her "My friend, my +treasure, my star of beauty"; trying every way to be agreeable to her, +to make her vengeance more certain on the poor child who, all +unwittingly, had caused her lover's heart to be faithless, which, for +women ambitious in love, is the worst of infidelities. After a little +conversation, the plotting lady suspected that poor Bertha was a +maiden in matters of love, when she saw her eyes full of limpid water, +no marks on the temples, no little black speck on the point of her +little nose, white as snow, where usually the marks of the amusement +are visible, no wrinkle on her brow; in short, no habit of pleasure +apparent on her face--clear as the face of an innocent maiden. Then +this traitress put certain women's questions to her, and was perfectly +assured by the replies of Bertha, that if she had had the profit of +being a mother, the pleasures of love had been denied to her. At this +she rejoiced greatly on her cousin's behalf--like the good woman she +was. + +Then she told her, that in the town of Loches there lived a young and +noble lady, of the family of a Rohan, who at that time had need of the +assistance of a lady of position to be reconciled with the Sire Louis +de Rohan; that if she had as much goodness as God had given her +beauty, she would take her with her to the castle, ascertain for +herself the sanctity of her life, and bring about a reconciliation +with the Sire de Rohan, who refused to receive her. To this Bertha +consented without hesitation, because the misfortunes of this girl +were known to her, but not the poor young lady herself, whose name was +Sylvia, and whom she had believed to be in a foreign land. + +It is here necessary to state why the king had given this invitation +to the Sire de Bastarnay. He had a suspicion of the first flight of +his son the Dauphin into Burgundy, and wished to deprive him of so +good a counsellor as was the said Bastarnay. But the veteran, faithful +to young Louis, had already, without saying a word, made up his mind. +Therefore he took Bertha back to his castle; but before they set out +she told him she had taken a companion and introduced her to him. It +was the young lord, disguised as a girl, with the assistance of his +cousin, who was jealous of Bertha, and annoyed at her virtue. Imbert +drew back a little when he learned that it was Sylvia de Rohan, but +was also much affected at the kindness of Bertha, whom he thanked for +her attempt to bring a little wandering lamb back to the fold. He made +much of his wife, when his last night at home came, left men-at-arms +about his castle, and then set out with the Dauphin for Burgundy, +having a cruel enemy in his bosom without suspecting it. The face of +the young lad was unknown to him, because he was a young page come to +see the king's court, and who had been brought up by the Cardinal +Dunois, in whose service he was a knight-bachelor. + +The old lord, believing that he was a girl, thought him very modest +and timid, because the lad, doubting the language of his eyes, kept +them always cast down; and when Bertha kissed him on the mouth, he +trembled lest his petticoat might be indiscreet, and would walk away +to the window, so fearful was he of being recognised as a man by +Bastarnay, and killed before he had made love to the lady. + +Therefore he was as joyful as any lover would have been in his place, +when the portcullis was lowered, and the old lord galloped away across +the country. He had been in such suspense that he made a vow to build +a pillar at his own expense in the cathedral at Tours, because he had +escaped the danger of his mad scheme. He gave, indeed, fifty gold +marks to pay God for his delight. But by chance he had to pay for it +over again to the devil, as it appears from the following facts if the +tale pleases you well enough to induce you to follow the narrative, +which will be succinct, as all good speeches should be. + + +II +HOW BERTHA BEHAVED, KNOWING THE BUSINESS OF LOVE + +This bachelor was the young Sire Jehan de Sacchez, cousin of the Sieur +de Montmorency, to whom, by the death of the said Jehan, the fiefs of +Sacchez and other places would return, according to the deed of +tenure. He was twenty years of age and glowed like a burning coal; +therefore you may be sure that he had a hard job to get through the +first day. While old Imbert was galloping across the fields, the two +cousins perched themselves under the lantern of the portcullis, in +order to keep him the longer in view, and waved him signals of +farewells. When the clouds of dust raised by the heels of the horses +were no longer visible upon the horizon, they came down and went into +the great room of the castle. + +"What shall we do, dear cousin?" said Bertha to the false Sylvia. "Do +you like music? We will play together. Let us sing the lay of some +sweet ancient bard. Eh? What do you say? Come to my organ; come along. +As you love me, sing!" + +Then she took Jehan by the hand and led him to the keyboard of the +organ, at which the young fellow seated himself prettily, after the +manner of women. "Ah! sweet coz," cried Bertha, as soon as the first +notes tried, the lad turned his head towards her, in order that they +might sing together. "Ah! sweet coz you have a wonderful glance in +your eye; you move I know not what in my heart." + +"Ah! cousin," replied the false Sylvia, "that it is which has been my +ruin. A sweet milord of the land across the sea told me so often that +I had fine eyes, and kissed them so well, that I yielded, so much +pleasure did I feel in letting them be kissed." + +"Cousin, does love then, commence in the eyes?" + +"In them is the forge of Cupid's bolts, my dear Bertha," said the +lover, casting fire and flame at her. + +"Let us go on with our singing." + +They then sang, by Jehan's desire, a lay of Christine de Pisan, every +word of which breathed love. + +"Ah! cousin, what a deep and powerful voice you have. It seems to +pierce me." + +"Where?" said the impudent Sylvia. + +"There," replied Bertha, touching her little diaphragm, where the +sounds of love are understood better than by the ears, but the +diaphragm lies nearer the heart, and that which is undoubtedly the +first brain, the second heart, and the third ear of the ladies. I say +this, with all respect and with all honour, for physical reasons and +for no others. + +"Let us leave off singing," said Bertha; "it has too great an effect +upon me. Come to the window; we can do needlework until the evening." + +"Ah! dear cousin of my soul, I don't know how to hold the needle in my +fingers, having been accustomed, to my perdition to do something else +with them." + +"Eh! what did you do then all day long?" + +"Ah! I yielded to the current of love, which makes days seem Instants, +months seem days, and years months; and if it could last, would gulp +down eternity like a strawberry, seeing that it is all youth and +fragrance, sweetness and endless joy." + +Then the youth dropped his beautiful eyelids over his eyes, and +remained as melancholy as a poor lady who has been abandoned by her +lover, who weeps for him, wishes to kiss him, and would pardon his +perfidy, if he would but seek once again the sweet path to his once- +loved fold. + +"Cousin, does love blossom in the married state?" + +"Oh no," said Sylvia; "because in the married state everything is +duty, but in love everything is done in perfect freedom of heart. This +difference communicates an indescribable soft balm to those caresses +which are the flowers of love." + +"Cousin, let us change the conversation; it affects me more than did +the music." + +She called hastily to a servant to bring her boy to her, who came, and +when Sylvia saw him, she exclaimed-- + +"Ah! the little dear, he is as beautiful as love." + +Then she kissed him heartily upon the forehead. + +"Come, my little one," said the mother, as the child clambered into +her lap. "Thou art thy mother's blessing, her unclouded joy, the +delight of her every hour, her crown, her jewel, her own pure pearl, +her spotless soul, her treasure, her morning and evening star, her +only flame, and her heart's darling. Give me thy hands, that I may eat +them; give me thine ears, that I may bite them; give me thy head, that +I may kiss thy curls. Be happy sweet flower of my body, that I may be +happy too." + +"Ah! cousin," said Sylvia, "you are speaking the language of love to +him." + +"Love is a child then?" + +"Yes, cousin; therefore the heathen always portrayed him as a little +boy." + +And with many other remarks fertile in the imagery of love, the two +pretty cousins amused themselves until supper time, playing with the +child. + +"Would you like to have another?" whispered Jehan, at an opportune +moment, into his cousin's ear, which he touched with his warm lips. + +"Ah! Sylvia! for that I would ensure a hundred years of purgatory, if +it would only please God to give me that joy. But in spite of the +work, labour, and industry of my spouse, which causes me much pain, my +waist does not vary in size. Alas! It is nothing to have but one +child. If I hear the sound of a cry in the castle, my heart beats +ready to burst. I fear man and beast alike for this innocent darling; +I dread volts, passes, and manual exercises; in fact, I dread +everything. I live not in myself, but in him alone. And, alas! I like +to endure these miseries, because when I fidget, and tremble, it is a +sign that my offspring is safe and sound. To be brief--for I am never +weary of talking on this subject--I believe that my breath is in him, +and not in myself." + +With these words she hugged him to her breasts, as only mothers know +how to hug children, with a spiritual force that is felt only in their +hearts. If you doubt this, watch a cat carrying her kittens in her +mouth, not one of them gives a single mew. The youthful gallant, who +had certain fears about watering this fair, unfertile plain, was +reassured by this speech. He thought then that it would only be +following the commandments of God to win this saint to love; and he +thought right. At night Bertha asked her cousin--according to the old +custom, to which the ladies of our day object--to keep her company in +her big seigneurial bed. To which request Sylvia replied--in order to +keep up the role of a well-born maiden--that nothing would give her +greater pleasure. The curfew rang, and found the two cousins in a +chamber richly ornamented with carpeting, fringes, and royal +tapestries, and Bertha began gracefully to disarray herself, assisted +by her women. You can imagine that her companion modestly declined +their services, and told her cousin, with a little blush, that she was +accustomed to undress herself ever since she had lost the services of +her dearly beloved, who had put her out of conceit with feminine +fingers by his gentle ways; that these preparations brought back the +pretty speeches he used to make, and his merry pranks while playing +the lady's-maid; and that to her injury, the memory of all these +things brought the water into her mouth. + +This discourse considerably astonished the lady Bertha, who let her +cousin say her prayers, and make other preparations for the night +beneath the curtains of the bed, into which my lord, inflamed with +desire, soon tumbled, happy at being able to catch an occasional +glimpse of the wondrous charms of the chatelaine, which were in no way +injured. Bertha, believing herself to be with an experienced girl, did +not omit any of the usual practices; she washed her feet, not minding +whether she raised them little or much, exposed her delicate little +shoulders, and did as all the ladies do when they are retiring to +rest. At last she came to bed, and settled herself comfortably in it, +kissing her cousin on the lips, which she found remarkably warm. + +"Are you unwell, Sylvia, that you burn so?" said she. + +"I always burn like that when I go to bed," replied her companion, +"because at that time there comes back to my memory the pretty little +tricks that he invented to please me, and which make me burn still +more." + +"Ah! cousin, tell me all about this he. Tell all the sweets of love to +me, who live beneath the shadow of a hoary head, of which the snows +keep me from such warm feelings. Tell me all; you are cured. It will +be a good warning to me, and then your misfortunes will have been a +salutary lesson to two poor weak women." + +"I do not know I ought to obey you, sweet cousin," said the youth. + +"Tell me, why not?" + +"Ah! deeds are better than words," said the false maiden, heaving a +deep sigh as the /ut/ of an organ. "But I am afraid that this milord +has encumbered me with so much joy that you may get a little of it, +which would be enough to give you a daughter, since the power of +engendering is weakened in me." + +"But," said Bertha, "between us, would it be a sin?" + +"It would be, on the contrary, a joy both here and in heaven; the +angels would shed their fragrance around you, and make sweet music in +your ears." + +"Tell me quickly, then," said Bertha. + +"Well, then, this is how my dear lord made my heart rejoice." + +With these words Jehan took Bertha in his arms, and strained her +hungering to his heart, for in the soft light of the lamp, and clothed +with the spotless linen, she was in this tempting bed, like the pretty +petals of a lily at the bottom of the virgin calyx. + +"When he held me as I hold thee he said to me, with a voice far +sweeter than mine, 'Ah, Bertha, thou art my eternal love, my priceless +treasure, my joy by day and my joy by night; thou art fairer than the +day is day; there is naught so pretty as thou art. I love thee more +than God, and would endure a thousand deaths for the happiness I ask +of thee!' Then he would kiss me, not after the manner of husbands, +which is rough, but in a peculiar dove-like fashion." + +To show her there and then how much better was the method of lovers, +he sucked all the honey from Bertha's lips, and taught her how, with +her pretty tongue, small and rosy as that of a cat, she could speak to +the heart without saying a single word, and becoming exhausted at this +game, Jehan spread the fire of his kisses from the mouth to the neck, +from the neck to the sweetest forms that ever a woman gave a child to +slake its thirst upon. And whoever had been in his place would have +thought himself a wicked man not to imitate him. + +"Ah!" said Bertha, fast bound in love without knowing it; "this is +better. I must take care to tell Imbert about it." + +"Are you in your proper senses, cousin? Say nothing about it to your +old husband. How could he make his hands pleasant like mine? They are +as hard as washerwoman's beetles, and his piebald beard would hardly +please this centre of bliss, that rose in which lies our wealth, our +substance, our loves, and our fortune. Do you know that it is a living +flower, which should be fondled thus, and not used like a trombone, or +as if it were a catapult of war? Now this was the gentle way of my +beloved Englishman." + +Thus saying, the handsome youth comported himself so bravely in the +battle that victory crowned his efforts, and poor innocent Bertha +exclaimed-- + +"Ah! cousin, the angels are come! but so beautiful is the music, that +I hear nothing else, and so flaming are their luminous rays, that my +eyes are closing." + +And, indeed, she fainted under the burden of those joys of love which +burst forth in her like the highest notes of the organ, which +glistened like the most magnificent aurora, which flowed in her veins +like the finest musk, and loosened the liens of her life in giving her +a child of love, who made a great deal of confusion in taking up his +quarters. Finally, Bertha imagined herself to be in Paradise, so happy +did she feel; and woke from this beautiful dream in the arms of Jehan, +exclaiming-- + +"Ah! who would not have been married in England!" + +"My sweet mistress," said Jehan, whose ecstasy was sooner over, "you +are married to me in France, where things are managed still better, +for I am a man who would give a thousand lives for you if he had +them." + +Poor Bertha gave a shriek so sharp that it pierced the walls, and +leapt out of bed like a mountebank of the plains of Egypt would have +done. She fell upon her knees before her /Prie-Dieu/, joined her +hands, and wept more pearls than ever Mary Magdalene wore. + +"Ah! I am dead" she cried; "I am deceived by a devil who has taken the +face of an angel. I am lost; I am the mother for certain of a +beautiful child, without being more guilty than you, Madame the +Virgin. Implore the pardon of God for me, if I have not that of men +upon earth; or let me die, so that I may not blush before my lord and +master." + +Hearing that she said nothing against him, Jehan rose, quite aghast to +see Bertha take this charming dance for two so to heart. But the +moment she heard her Gabriel moving she sprang quickly to her feet, +regarded him with a tearful face, and her eye illumined with a holy +anger, which made her more lovely to look upon, exclaimed-- + +"If you advance a single step towards me, I will make one towards +death!" + +And she took her stiletto in her hand. + +So heartrending was the tragic spectacle of her grief that Jehan +answered her-- + +"It is not for thee but for me to die, my dear, beautiful mistress, +more dearly loved than will ever woman be again upon this earth." + +"If you had truly loved me you would not have killed me as you have, +for I will die sooner than be reproached by my husband." + +"Will you die?" said he. + +"Assuredly," said she. + +"Now, if I am here pierced with a thousand blows, you will have your +husband's pardon, to whom you will say that if your innocence was +surprised, you have avenged his honour by killing the man who had +deceived you; and it will be the greatest happiness that could ever +befall me to die for you, the moment you refuse to live for me." + +Hearing this tender discourse spoken with tears, Bertha dropped the +dagger; Jehan sprang upon it, and thrust it into his breast, saying-- + +"Such happiness can be paid for but with death." + +And fell stiff and stark. + +Bertha, terrified, called aloud for her maid. The servant came, and +terribly alarmed to see a wounded man in Madame's chamber, and Madame +holding him up, crying and saying, "What have you done, my love?" +because she believed he was dead, and remembered her vanished joys, +and thought how beautiful Jehan must be, since everyone, even Imbert, +believed him to be a girl. In her sorrow she confessed all to her +maid, sobbing and crying out, "that it was quite enough to have upon +her mind the life of a child without having the death of a man as +well." Hearing this the poor lover tried to open his eyes, and only +succeeded in showing a little bit of the white of them. + +"Ha! Madame, don't cry out," said the servant, "let us keep our senses +together and save this pretty knight. I will go and seek La Fallotte, +in order not to let any physician or surgeon into the secret, and as +she is a sorceress she will, to please Madame, perform the miracle of +healing this wound so not a trace of it shall remain. + +"Run!" replied Bertha. "I will love you, and will pay you well for +this assistance." + +But before anything else was done the lady and her maid agreed to be +silent about this adventure, and hide Jehan from every eye. Then the +servant went out into the night to seek La Fallotte, and was +accompanied by her mistress as far as the postern, because the guard +could not raise the portcullis without Bertha's special order. Bertha +found on going back that her lover had fainted, for the blood was +flowing from the wound. At the sight she drank a little of his blood, +thinking that Jehan had shed it for her. Affected by this great love +and by the danger, she kissed this pretty varlet of pleasure on the +face, bound up his wound, bathing it with her tears, beseeching him +not to die, and exclaiming that if he would live she would love him +with all her heart. You can imagine that the chatelaine became still +more enamoured while observing what a difference there was between a +young knight like Jehan, white, downy, and agreeable, and an old +fellow like Imbert, bristly, yellow, and wrinkled. This difference +brought back to her memory that which she had found in the pleasure of +love. Moved by this souvenir, her kisses became so warm that Jehan +came back to his senses, his look improved, and he could see Bertha, +from whom in a feeble voice he asked forgiveness. But Bertha forbade +him to speak until La Fallotte had arrived. Then both of them consumed +the time by loving each other with their eyes, since in those of +Bertha there was nothing but compassion, and on these occasions pity +is akin to love. + +La Fallotte was a hunchback, vehemently suspected of dealings in +necromancy, and of riding to nocturnal orgies on a broomstick, +according to the custom of witches. Certain persons had seen her +putting the harness on her broom in the stable, which, as everyone +knows is on the housetops. To tell the truth, she possessed certain +medical secrets, and was of such great service to ladies in certain +things, and to the nobles, that she lived in perfect tranquillity, +without giving up the ghost on a pile of fagots, but on a feather bed, +for she had made a hatful of money, although the physicians tormented +her by declaring that she sold poisons, which was certainly true, as +will be shown in the sequel. The servant and La Fallotte came on the +same ass, making such haste that they arrived at the castle before the +day had fully dawned. + +The old hunchback exclaimed, as she entered the chamber, "Now then, my +children, what is the matter?" + +This was her manner, which was familiar with great people, who +appeared very small to her. She put on her spectacles, and carefully +examined the wound, saying-- + +"This is fine blood, my dear; you have tasted it. That's all right, he +has bled externally." + +Then she washed the wound with a fine sponge, under the nose of the +lady and the servant, who held their breath. To be brief, Fallotte +gave it as her medical opinion, that the youth would not die from this +blow, "although," said she, looking at his hand, "he will come to a +violent end through this night's deed." + +This decree of chiromancy frightened considerably both Bertha and the +maid. Fallotte prescribed certain remedies, and promised to come again +the following night. Indeed, she tended the wound for a whole +fortnight, coming secretly at night-time. The people about the castle +were told by the servants that their young lady, Sylvia de Rohan, was +in danger of death, through a swelling of the stomach, which must +remain a mystery for the honour of Madame, who was her cousin. Each +one was satisfied with this story, of which his mouth was so full that +he told it to his fellows. + +The good people believe that it was the malady which was fraught with +danger; but it was not! it was the convalescence, for the stronger +Jehan grew, the weaker Bertha became, and so weak that she allowed +herself to drift into that Paradise the gates of which Jehan had +opened for her. To be brief, she loved him more and more. But in the +midst of her happiness, always mingled with apprehension at the +menacing words of Fallotte, and tormented by her great religion, she +was in great fear of her husband, Imbert, to whom she was compelled to +write that he had given her a child, who would be ready to delight him +on his return. Poor Bertha avoided her lover, Jehan, during the day on +which she wrote the lying letter, over which she soaked her +handkerchief with tears. Finding himself avoided (for they had +previously left each other no more than fire leaves the wood it has +bitten) Jehan believed that she was beginning to hate him, and +straightway he cried too. In the evening Bertha, touched by his tears, +which had left their mark upon his eyes, although he had well dried +them, told him the cause of her sorrow, mingling therewith her +confessions of her terrors for the future, pointing out to him how +much they were both to blame, and discoursing so beautifully to him, +gave utterance to such Christian sentences, ornamented with holy tears +and contrite prayers, that Jehan was touched to the quick by the +sincerity of his mistress. This love innocently united to repentance, +this nobility in sin, this mixture of weakness and strength, would, as +the old authors say, have changed the nature of a tiger, melting it to +pity. You will not be astonished then, that Jehan was compelled to +pledge his word as a knight-bachelor, to obey her in what ever she +should command him, to save her in this world and in the next. +Delighted at this confidence in her, and this goodness of heart, +Bertha cast herself at Jehan's feet, and kissing them, exclaimed-- + +"Oh! my love, whom I am compelled to love, although it is a mortal sin +to do so, thou who art so good, so gentle to thy poor Bertha, if thou +wouldst have her always think of thee with pleasure, and stop the +torrent of her tears, whose source is so pretty and so pleasant (here, +to show him that it was so, she let him steal a kiss)--Jehan, if thou +wouldst that the memory of our celestial joys, angel music, and the +fragrance of love should be a consolation to me in my loneliness +rather than a torment, do that which the Virgin commanded me to order +thee in a dream, in which I was beseeching her to direct me in the +present case, for I had asked her to come to me, and she had come. +Then I told her the horrible anguish I should endure, trembling for +this little one, whose movements I already feel, and for the real +father, who would be at the mercy of the other, and might expiate his +paternity by a violent death, since it is possible that La Fallotte +saw clearly into his future life. Then the beautiful Virgin told me, +smiling, that the Church offered its forgiveness for our faults if we +followed her commandments; that it was necessary to save one's self +from the pains of hell, by reforming before Heaven became angry. Then +with her finger she showed me a Jehan like thee, but dressed as thou +shouldst be, and as thou wilt be, if thou does but love thy Bertha +with a love eternal." + +Jehan assured her of his perfect obedience, and raised her, seating +her on his knee, and kissing her. The unhappy Bertha told him then +that this garment was a monk's frock, and trembling besought him-- +almost fearing a refusal--to enter the Church, and retire to +Marmoustier, beyond Tours, pledging him her word that she would grant +him a last night, after which she would be neither for him nor for +anyone else in the world again. And each year, as a reward for this, +she would let him come to her one day, in order that he might see the +child. Jehan, bound by his oath, promised to obey his mistress, saying +that by this means he would be faithful to her, and would experience +no joys of love but those tasted in her divine embrace, and would live +upon the dear remembrance of them. Hearing these sweet words, Bertha +declared to him that, however great might have been her sin, and +whatever God reserved for her, this happiness would enable her to +support it, since she believed she had not fallen through a man, but +through an angel. + +Then they returned to the nest which contained their love but only to +bid a final adieu to all their lovely flowers. There can be but little +doubt that Seigneur Cupid had something to do with this festival, for +no woman ever experienced such joy in any part of the world before, +and no man ever took as much. The especial property of true love is a +certain harmony, which brings it about that the more one gives, the +more the other receives, and vice-versa, as in certain cases in +mathematics, where things are multiplied by themselves without end. +This problem can only be explained to unscientific people, by asking +them to look into their Venetian glasses, in which are to be seen +thousands of faces produced by one alone. Thus, in the heart of two +lovers, the roses of pleasure multiply within them in a manner which +causes them to be astonished that so much joy can be contained, +without anything bursting. Bertha and Jehan would have wished in this +night to have finished their days, and thought, from the excessive +languor which flowed in their veins, that love had resolved to bear +them away on his wings with the kiss of death; but they held out in +spite of these numerous multiplications. + +On the morrow, as the return of Monsieur Imbert de Bastarnay was close +at hand, the lady Sylvia was compelled to depart. The poor girl left +her cousin, covering her with tears and with kisses; it was always her +last, but the last lasted till evening. Then he was compelled to leave +her, and he did leave her although the blood of his heart congealed, +like the fallen wax of a Paschal candle. According to his promise, he +wended his way towards Marmoustier, which he entered towards the +eleventh hour of the day, and was placed among the novices. +Monseigneur de Bastarnay was informed that Sylvia had returned to the +Lord which is the signification of le Seigneur in the English +language; and therefore in this Bertha did not lie. + +The joy of her husband, when he saw Bertha without her waistband--she +could not wear it, so much had she increased in size--commenced the +martyrdom of this poor woman, who did not know how to deceive, and +who, at each false word, went to her Prie-Dieu, wept her blood away +from her eyes in tears, burst into prayers, and recommended herself to +the graces of Messieurs the Saints in paradise. It happened that she +cried so loudly to God that He heard her, because He hears everything; +He hears the stones that roll beneath the waters, the poor who groan, +and the flies who wing their way through the air. It is well that you +should know this, otherwise you would not believe in what happened. +God commanded the archangel Michael to make for this penitent a hell +upon earth, so that she might enter without dispute into Paradise. +Then St. Michael descended from the skies as far as the gate of hell, +and handed over this triple soul to the devil, telling him that he had +permission to torment it during the rest of her days, at the same time +indicating to him Bertha, Jehan and the child. + +The devil, who by the will of God, is lord of all evil, told the +archangel that he would obey the message. During this heavenly +arrangement life went on as usual here below. The sweet lady of +Bastarnay gave the most beautiful child in the world to the Sire +Imbert, a boy all lilies and roses, of great intelligence, like a +little Jesus, merry and arch as a pagan love. He became more beautiful +day by day, while the elder was turning into an ape, like his father, +whom he painfully resembled. The younger boy was as bright as a star, +and resembled his father and mother, whose corporeal and spiritual +perfections had produced a compound of illustrious graces and +marvellous intelligence. Seeing this perpetual miracle of body and +mind blended with the essential conditions, Bastarnay declared that +for his eternal salvation he would like to make the younger the elder, +and that he would do with the king's protection. Bertha did not know +what to do, for she adored the child of Jehan, and could only feel a +feeble affection for the other, whom, nevertheless she protected +against the evil intentions of the old fellow, Bastarnay. + +Bertha, satisfied with the way things were going, quieted her +conscience with falsehood, and thought that all danger was past, since +twelve years had elapsed with no other alloy than the doubt which at +times embittered her joy. Each year, according to her pledged faith, +the monk of Marmoustier, who was unknown to everyone except the +servant-maid, came to pass a whole day at the chateau to see his +child, although Bertha had many times besought brother Jehan to yield +his right. But Jehan pointed to the child, saying, "You see him every +day of the year, and I only once!" And the poor mother could find no +word to answer this speech with. + +A few months before the last rebellion of the Dauphin Louis against +his father, the boy was treading closely on the heels of his twelfth +year, and appeared likely to become a great savant, so learned was he +in all the sciences. Old Bastarnay had never been more delighted at +having been a father in his life, and resolved to take his son with +him to the Court of Burgundy, where Duke Charles promised to make for +this well-beloved son a position, which should be the envy of princes, +for he was not at all averse to clever people. Seeing matters thus +arranged, the devil judged the time to be ripe for his mischiefs. He +took his tail and flapped it right into the middle of this happiness, +so that he could stir it up in his own peculiar way. + + +III +HORRIBLE CHASTISEMENT OF BERTHA AND EXPIATION OF THE SAME, +WHO DIED PARDONED + +The servant of the lady of Bastarnay, who was then about five-and- +thirty years old, fell in love with one of the master's men-at-arms, +and was silly enough to let him take loaves out of the oven, until +there resulted therefrom a natural swelling, which certain wags in +these parts call a nine months' dropsy. The poor woman begged her +mistress to intercede for her with the master, so that he might compel +this wicked man to finish at the altar that which he had commenced +elsewhere. Madame de Bastarnay had no difficulty in obtaining this +favour from him, and the servant was quite satisfied. But the old +warrior, who was always extremely rough, hastened into his pretorium, +and blew him up sky-high, ordering him, under the pain of the gallows, +to marry the girl; which the soldier preferred to do, thinking more of +his neck than of his peace of mind. + +Bastarnay sent also for the female, to whom he imagined, for the +honour of his house, he ought to sing a litany, mixed with epithets +and ornamented with extremely strong expressions, and made her think, +by way of punishment, that she was not going to be married, but flung +into one of the cells in the jail. The girl fancied that Madame wanted +to get rid of her, in order to inter the secret of the birth of her +beloved son. With this impression, when the old ape said such +outrageous things to her--namely, that he must have been a fool to +keep a harlot in his house--she replied that he certainly was a very +big fool, seeing that for a long time past his wife had been played +the harlot, and with a monk too, which was the worst thing that could +happen to a warrior. + +Think of the greatest storm you ever saw it in your life, and you will +have a weak sketch of the furious rage into which the old man fell, +when thus assailed in a portion of his heart which was a triple life. +He seized the girl by the throat, and would have killed her there and +then, but she, to prove her story, detailed the how, the why, and the +when, and said that if he had no faith in her, he could have the +evidence of his own ears by hiding himself the day that Father Jehan +de Sacchez, the prior of Marmoustier, came. He would then hear the +words of the father, who solaced herself for his year's fast, and in +one day kissed his son for the rest of the year. + +Imbert ordered this woman instantly to leave the castle, since, if her +accusation were true, he would kill her just as though she had +invented a tissue of lies. In an instant he had given her a hundred +crowns, besides her man, enjoining them not to sleep in Touraine; and +for greater security, they were conducted into Burgundy, by de +Bastarnay's officers. He informed his wife of their departure, saying, +that as her servant was a damaged article he had thought it best to +get rid of her, but had given her a hundred crowns, and found +employment for the man at the Court of Burgundy. Bertha was astonished +to learn that her maid had left the castle without receiving her +dismissal from herself, her mistress; but she said nothing. Soon +afterwards she had other fish to fry, for she became a prey to vague +apprehensions, because her husband completely changed in his manner, +commenced to notice the likeness of his first-born to himself, and +could find nothing resembling his nose, or his forehead, his this, or +his that, in the youngest he loved so well. + +"He is my very image," replied Bertha one day that he was throwing out +these hints. "Know you not that in well regulated households, children +are formed from the father and mother, each in turn, or often from +both together, because the mother mingles her qualities with the vital +force of the father? Some physicians declare that they have known many +children born without any resemblance to either father or mother, and +attribute these mysteries to the whim of the Almighty." + +"You have become very learned, my dear," replied Bastarnay; "but I, +who am an ignoramus, I should fancy that a child who resembles a +monk--" + +"Had a monk for a father!" said Bertha, looking at him with an +unflinching gaze, although ice rather than blood was coursing through +her veins. + +The old fellow thought he was mistaken, and cursed the servant; but he +was none the less determined to make sure of the affair. As the day of +Father Jehan's visit was close at hand, Bertha, whose suspicions were +aroused by this speech, wrote him that it was her wish that he should +not come this year, without, however, telling him her reason; then she +went in search of La Fallotte at Loches, who was to give her letter to +Jehan, and believed everything was safe for the present. She was all +the more pleased at having written to her friend the prior, when +Imbert, who, towards the time appointed for the poor monk's annual +treat, had always been accustomed to take a journey into the province +of Maine, where he had considerable property, remained this time at +home, giving as his reason the preparations for rebellion which +monseigneur Louis was then making against his father, who as everyone +knows, was so cut up at this revolt that it caused his death. This +reason was so good a one, that poor Bertha was quite satisfied with +it, and did not trouble herself. On the regular day, however, the +prior arrived as usual. Bertha seeing him, turned pale, and asked him +if he had not received her message. + +"What message?" said Jehan. + +"Ah! we are lost then; the child, thou, and I," replied Bertha. + +"Why so?" said the prior. + +"I know not," said she; "but our last day has come." + +She inquired of her dearly beloved son where Bastarnay was. The young +man told her that his father had been sent for by a special messenger +to Loches, and would not be back until evening. Thereupon Jehan +wished, is spite of his mistress, to remain with her and his dear son, +asserting that no harm would come of it, after the lapse of twelve +years, since the birth of their boy. + +The days when that adventurous night you know of was celebrated, +Bertha stayed in her room with the poor monk until supper time. But on +this occasion the lovers--hastened by the apprehensions of Bertha, +which was shared by Jehan directly she had informed him of them--dined +immediately, although the prior of Marmoustier reassured Bertha by +pointing out to her the privileges of the Church, and how Bastarnay, +already in bad odour at court, would be afraid to attack a dignitary +of Marmoustier. When they were sitting down to table their little one +happened to be playing, and in spite of the reiterated prayers of his +mother, would not stop his games, since he was galloping about the +courtyard on a fine Spanish barb, which Duke Charles of Burgundy had +presented to Bastarnay. And because young lads like to show off, +varlets make themselves bachelors at arms, and bachelors wish to play +the knight, this boy was delighted at being able to show the monk what +a man he was becoming; he made the horse jump like a flea in the +bedclothes, and sat as steady as a trooper in the saddle. + +"Let him have his way, my darling," said the monk to Bertha. +"Disobedient children often become great characters." + +Bertha ate sparingly, for her heart was as swollen as a sponge in +water. At the first mouthful, the monk, who was a great scholar, felt +in his stomach a pain, and on his palette a bitter taste of poison +that caused him to suspect that the Sire de Bastarnay had given them +all their quietus. Before he had made this discovery Bertha had eaten. +Suddenly the monk pulled off the tablecloth and flung everything into +the fireplace, telling Bertha his suspicion. Bertha thanked the Virgin +that her son had been so taken up with his sport. Retaining his +presence of mind, Jehan, who had not forgotten the lesson he had +learned as a page, leaped into the courtyard, lifted his son from the +horse, sprang across it himself, and flew across the country with such +speed that you would have thought him a shooting-star if you had seen +him digging the spurs into the horse's bleeding flanks, and he was at +Loches in Fallotte's house in the same space of time that only the +devil could have done the journey. He stated the case to her in two +words, for the poison was already frying his marrow, and requested her +to give him an antidote. + +"Alas," said the sorceress, "had I known that it was for you I was +giving this poison, I would have received in my breast the dagger's +point, with which I was threatened, and would have sacrificed my poor +life to save that of a man of God, and of the sweetest woman that ever +blossomed on this earth; for alas! my dear friend, I have only two +drops of the counter-poison that you see in this phial." + +"Is there enough for her?" + +"Yes, but go at once," said the old hag. + +The monk came back more quickly that he went, so that the horse died +under him in the courtyard. He rushed into the room where Bertha, +believing her last hour to be come, was kissing her son, and writhing +like a lizard in the fire, uttering no cry for herself, but for the +child, left to the wrath of Bastarnay, forgetting her own agony at the +thought of his cruel future. + +"Take this," said the monk; "my life is saved!" + +Jehan had the great courage to say these words with an unmoved face, +although he felt the claws of death seizing his heart. Hardly had +Bertha drunk when the prior fell dead, not, however, without kissing +his son, and regarding his dear lady with an eye that changed not even +after his last sigh. This sight turned her as cold as marble, and +terrified her so much that she remained rigid before this dead man, +stretched at her feet, pressing the hand of her child, who wept, +although her own eye was as dry as the Red Sea when the Hebrews +crossed it under the leadership of Baron Moses, for it seemed to her +that she had sharp sand rolling under her eyelids. Pray for her, ye +charitable souls, for never was woman so agonised, in divining that +her lover has saved her life at the expense of his own. Aided by her +son, she herself placed the monk in the middle of the bed, and stood +by the side of it, praying with the boy, whom she then told that the +prior was his true father. In this state she waited her evil hour, and +her evil hour did not take long in coming, for towards the eleventh +hour Bastarnay arrived, and was informed at the portcullis that the +monk was dead, and not Madame and the child, and he saw his beautiful +Spanish horse lying dead. Thereupon, seized with a furious desire to +slay Bertha and the monk's bastard, he sprang up the stairs with one +bound; but at the sight of the corpse, for whom his wife and her son +repeated incessant litanies, having no ears for his torrent of +invective, having no eyes for his writhings and threats, he had no +longer the courage to perpetrate this dark deed. After the first fury +of his rage had passed, he could not bring himself to it, and quitted +the room like a coward and a man taken in crime, stung to the quick by +those prayers continuously said for the monk. The night was passed in +tears, groans, and prayers. + +By an express order from Madame, her servant had been to Loches to +purchase for her the attire of a young lady of quality, and for her +poor child a horse and the arms of an esquire; noticing which the +Sieur de Bastarnay was much astonished. He sent for Madame and the +monk's son, but neither mother nor child returned any answer, but +quietly put on the clothes purchased by the servant. By Madame's order +this servant made up the account of her effects, arranged her clothes, +purples, jewels, and diamonds, as the property of a widow is arranged +when she renounces her rights. Bertha ordered even her alms-purse be +included, in order that the ceremony might be perfect. The report of +these preparations ran through the house, and everyone knew then that +the mistress was about to leave it, a circumstance that filled every +heart with sorrow, even that of a little scullion, who had only been a +week in the place, but to whom Madame had already given a kind word. + +Frightened at these preparations, old Bastarnay came into her chamber, +and found her weeping over the body of Jehan, for the tears had come +at last; but she dried them directly she perceived her husband. To his +numerous questions she replied briefly by the confession of her fault, +telling him how she had been duped, how the poor page had been +distressed, showing him upon the corpse the mark of the poniard wound; +how long he had been getting well; and how, in obedience to her, and +from penitence towards God, he had entered the Church, abandoning the +glorious career of a knight, putting an end to his name, which was +certainly worse than death; how she, while avenging her honour, had +thought that even God himself would not have refused the monk one day +in the year to see the son for whom he had sacrificed everything; how, +not wishing to live with a murderer, she was about to quit his house, +leaving all her property behind her; because, if the honour of the +Bastarnays was stained, it was not she who had brought the shame +about; because in this calamity she had arranged matters as best she +could; finally, she added a vow to go over mountain and valley, she +and her son, until all was expiated, for she knew how to expiate all. + +Having with noble mien and a pale face uttered these beautiful words, +she took her child by the hand and went out in great mourning, more +magnificently beautiful than was Mademoiselle Hagar on her departure +from the residence of the patriarch Abraham, and so proudly, that all +the servants and retainers fell on their knees as she passed along, +imploring her with joined hands, like Notre Dame de la Riche. It was +pitiful to see the Sieur de Bastarnay following her, ashamed, weeping, +confessing himself to blame, and downcast and despairing, like a man +being led to the gallows, there to be turned off. + +And Bertha turned a deaf ear to everything. The desolation was so +great that she found the drawbridge lowered, and hastened to quit the +castle, fearing that it might be suddenly raised again; but no one had +the right or the heart to do it. She sat down on the curb of the moat, +in view of the whole castle, who begged her, with tears, to stay. The +poor sire was standing with his hand upon the chain of the portcullis, +as silent as the stone saints carved above the door. He saw Bertha +order her son to shake the dust from his shoes at the end of the +bridge, in order to have nothing belonging to Bastarnay about him; and +she did likewise. Then, indicating the sire to her son with her +finger, she spoke to him as follows-- + +"Child, behold the murderer of thy father, who was, as thou art aware, +the poor prior; but thou hast taken the name of this man. Give it him +back here, even as thou leavest the dust taken by the shoes from his +castle. For the food that thou hast had in the castle, by God's help +we will also settle." + +Hearing this, Bastarnay would have let his wife receive a whole +monastery of monks in order not to be abandoned by her, and by a young +squire capable of becoming the honour of his house, and remained with +his head sunk down against the chains. + +The heart of Bertha was suddenly filled with holy solace, for the +banner of the great monastery turned the corner of a road across the +fields, and appeared accompanied by the chants of the Church, which +burst forth like heavenly music. The monks, informed of the murder +perpetrated on their well-beloved prior, came in procession, assisted +by the ecclesiastical justice, to claim his body. When he saw this, +the Sire de Bastarnay had barely that time to make for the postern +with his men, and set out towards Monseigneur Louis, leaving +everything in confusion. + +Poor Bertha, en croup behind her son, came to Montbazon to bid her +father farewell, telling him that this blow would be her death, and +was consoled by those of her family who endeavoured to raise her +spirits, but were unable to do so. The old Sire de Rohan presented his +grandson with a splendid suit of armour, telling him to acquire glory +and honour that he might turn his mother's faults into eternal renown. +But Madame de Bastarnay had implanted in the mind of her dear son no +other idea than of atoning for the harm done, in order to save her and +Jehan from eternal damnation. Both then set out for the places then in +a state of rebellion, in order to render such service to Bastarnay +that he would receive from them more than life itself. + +Now the heat of the sedition was, as everyone knows, in the +neighbourhood of Angouleme, and of Bordeaux in Guienne, and other +parts of the kingdom, where great battles and severe conflicts between +the rebels and the royal armies was likely to take place. The +principal one which finished the war was given between Ruffec and +Angouleme, where all the prisoners taken were tried and hanged. This +battle, commanded by old Bastarnay, took place in the month of +November, seven months after the poisoning of Jehan. Now the Baron +knew that his head had been strongly recommended as one to be cut off, +he being the right hand of Monsiegneur Louis. Directly his men began +to fall back, the old fellow found himself surrounded by six men +determined to seize him. Then he understood that they wished to take +him alive, in order to proceed against his house, ruin his name, and +confiscate his property. The poor sire preferred rather to die and +save his family, and present the domains to his son. He defended +himself like the brave old lion that he was. In spite of their number, +these said soldiers, seeing three of their comrades fall, were obliged +to attack Bastarnay at the risk of killing him, and threw themselves +together upon him, after having laid low two of his equerries and a +page. + +In this extreme danger an esquire wearing the arms of Rohan, fell upon +the assailants like a thunderbolt, and killed two of them, crying, +"God save the Bastarnays!" The third man-at-arms, who had already +seized old Bastarnay, was so hard pressed by this squire, that he was +obliged to leave the elder and turn against the younger, to whom he +gave a thrust with his dagger through a flaw in his armour. Bastarnay +was too good a comrade to fly without assisting the liberator of his +house, who was badly wounded. With a blow of his mace he killed the +man-at-arms, seized the squire, lifted him on to his horse, and gained +the open, accompanied by a guide, who led him to the castle of Roche- +Foucauld, which he entered by night, and found in the great room +Bertha de Rohan, who had arranged this retreat for him. But on +removing the helmet of his rescuer, he recognised the son of Jehan, +who expired upon the table, as by a final effort he kissed his mother, +and saying in a loud voice to her-- + +"Mother, we have paid the debt we owed him!" + +Hearing these words, the mother clasped the body of her loved child to +her heart, and separated from him never again, for she died of grief, +without hearing or heeding the pardon and repentance of Bastarnay. + +The strange calamity hastened the last day of the poor old man, who +did not live to see the coronation of King Louis the Eleventh. He +founded a daily mass in the Church of Roche-Foucauld, where in the +same grave he placed mother and son, with a large tombstone, upon +which their lives are much honoured in the Latin language. + +The morals which any one can deduce from this history are the most +profitable for the conduct of life, since this shows how gentlemen +should be courteous with the dearly beloveds of their wives. Further, +it teaches us that all children are blessings sent by God Himself, and +over them fathers, whether true or false, have no right of murder, as +was formerly the case at Rome, owing to a heathen and abominable law, +which ill became that Christianity which makes us all sons of God. + + + +HOW THE PRETTY MAID OF PORTILLON CONVINCED HER JUDGE + +The Maid of Portillon, who became as everyone knows, La Tascherette, +was, before she became a dyer, a laundress at the said place of +Portillon, from which she took her name. If any there be who do not +know Tours, it may be as well to state that Portillon is down the +Loire, on the same side as St. Cyr, about as far from the bridge which +leads to the cathedral of Tours as said bridge is distant from +Marmoustier, since the bridge is in the centre of the embankment +between Portillon and Marmoustier. Do you thoroughly understand? + +Yes? Good! Now the maid had there her washhouse, from which she ran to +the Loire with her washing in a second and took the ferry-boat to get +to St. Martin, which was on the other side of the river, for she had +to deliver the greater part of her work in Chateauneuf and other +places. + +About Midsummer day, seven years before marrying old Taschereau, she +had just reached the right age to be loved, without making a choice +from any of the lads who pursued her with their intentions. Although +there used to come to the bench under her window the son of Rabelais, +who had seven boats on the Loire, Jehan's eldest, Marchandeau the +tailor, and Peccard the ecclesiastical goldsmith, she made fun of them +all, because she wished to be taken to church before burthening +herself with a man, which proves that she was an honest woman until +she was wheedled out of her virtue. She was one of those girls who +take great care not to be contaminated, but who, if by chance they get +deceived, let things take their course, thinking that for one stain or +for fifty a good polishing up is necessary. These characters demand +our indulgence. + +A young noble of the court perceived her one day when she was crossing +the water in the glare of the noonday sun, which lit up her ample +charms, and seeing her, asked who she was. An old man, who was working +on the banks, told him she was called the Pretty Maid of Portillon, a +laundress, celebrated for her merry ways and her virtue. This young +lord, besides ruffles to starch, had many precious draperies and +things; he resolved to give the custom of his house to this girl, whom +he stopped on the road. He was thanked by her and heartily, because he +was the Sire du Fou, the king's chamberlain. This encounter made her +so joyful that her mouth was full of his name. She talked about it a +great deal to the people of St. Martin, and when she got back to the +washhouse was still full of it, and on the morrow at her work her +tongue went nineteen to the dozen, and all on the same subject, so +that as much was said concerning my Lord du Fou in Portillon as of God +in a sermon; that is, a great deal too much. + +"If she works like that in cold water, what will she do in warm?" said +an old washerwoman. "She wants du Fou; he'll give her du Fou!" + +The first time this giddy wench, with her head full of Monsieur du +Fou, had to deliver the linen at his hotel, the chamberlain wished to +see her, and was very profuse in praises and compliments concerning +her charms, and wound up by telling her that she was not at all silly +to be beautiful, and therefore he would give her more than she +expected. The deed followed the word, for the moment his people were +out of the room, he began to caress the maid, who thinking he was +about to take out the money from his purse, dared not look at the +purse, but said, like a girl ashamed to take her wages-- + +"It will be for the first time." + +"It will be soon," said he. + +Some people say that he had great difficulty in forcing her to accept +what he offered her, and hardly forced her at all; others that he +forced her badly, because she came out like an army flagging on the +route, crying and groaning, and came to the judge. It happened that +the judge was out. La Portillone awaited his return in his room, +weeping and saying to the servant that she had been robbed, because +Monseigneur du Fou had given her nothing but his mischief; whilst a +canon of the Chapter used to give her large sums for that which M. du +Fou wanted for nothing. If she loved a man she would think it wise to +do things for him for nothing, because it would be a pleasure to her; +but the chamberlain had treated her roughly, and not kindly and +gently, as he should have done, and that therefore he owed her the +thousand crowns of the canon. Then the judge came in, saw the wench, +and wished to kiss her, but she put herself on guard, and said she had +come to make a complaint. The judge replied that certainly she could +have the offender hanged if she liked, because he was most anxious to +serve her. The injured maiden replied that she did not wish the death +of her man, but that he should pay her a thousand gold crowns, because +she had been robbed against her will. + +"Ha! ha!" said the judge, "what he took was worth more than that." + +"For the thousand crowns I'll cry quits, because I shall be able to +live without washing." + +"He who has robbed you, is he well off?" + +"Oh yes." + +"Then he shall pay dearly for it. Who is it?" + +"Monseigneur du Fou." + +"Oh, that alters the case," said the judge. + +"But justice?" said she. + +"I said the case, not the justice of it," replied the judge. "I must +know how the affair occurred." + +Then the girl related naively how she was arranging the young lord's +ruffles in his wardrobe, when he began to play with her skirt, and she +turned round saying-- + +"Go on with you!" + +"You have no case," said the judge, "for by that speech he thought +that you gave him leave to go on. Ha! ha!" + +Then she declared that she had defended herself, weeping and crying +out, and that that constitutes an assault. + +"A wench's antics to incite him," said the judge. + +Finally, La Portillone declared that against her will she had been +taken round the waist and thrown, although she had kicked and cried +and struggled, but that seeing no help at hand, she had lost courage. + +"Good! good!" said the judge. "Did you take pleasure in the affair?" + +"No," said she. "My anguish can only be paid for with a thousand +crowns." + +"My dear," said the judge, "I cannot receive your complaint, because I +believe no girl could be thus treated against her will." + +"Hi! hi! hi! Ask your servant," said the little laundress, sobbing, +"and hear what she'll tell you." + +The servant affirmed that there were pleasant assaults and unpleasant +ones; that if La Portillone had received neither amusement nor money, +either one or the other was due to her. This wise counsel threw the +judge into a state of great perplexity. + +"Jacqueline," said he, "before I sup I'll get to the bottom of this. +Now go and fetch my needle and the red thread that I sew the law paper +bags with." + +Jacqueline came back with a big needle, pierced with a pretty little +hole, and a big red thread, such as the judges use. Then she remained +standing to see the question decided, very much disturbed, as was also +the complainant at these mysterious preparations. + +"My dear," said the judge, "I am going to hold the bodkin, of which +the eye is sufficiently large, to put this thread into it without +trouble. If you do put it in, I will take up your case, and will make +Monseigneur offer you a compromise." + +"What's that?" said she. "I will not allow it." + +"It is a word used in justice to signify an agreement." + +"A compromise is then agreeable with justice?" said La Portillone. + +"My dear, this violence has also opened your mind. Are you ready?" + +"Yes," said she. + +The waggish judge gave the poor nymph fair play, holding the eye +steady for her; but when she wished to slip in the thread that she had +twisted to make straight, he moved a little, and the thread went on +the other side. She suspected the judge's argument, wetted the thread, +stretched it, and came back again. The judge moved, twisted about, and +wriggled like a bashful maiden; still this cursed thread would not +enter. The girl kept trying at the eye, and the judge kept fidgeting. +The marriage of the thread could not be consummated, the bodkin +remained virgin, and the servant began to laugh, saying to La +Portillone that she knew better how to endure than to perform. Then +the roguish judge laughed too, and the fair Portillone cried for her +golden crowns. + +"If you don't keep still," cried she, losing patience; "if you keep +moving about I shall never be able to put the thread in." + +"Then, my dear, if you had done the same, Monseigneur would have been +unsuccessful too. Think, too, how easy is the one affair, and how +difficult the other." + +The pretty wench, who declared she had been forced, remained +thoughtful, and sought to find a means to convince the judge by +showing how she had been compelled to yield, since the honour of all +poor girls liable to violence was at stake. + +"Monseigneur, in order that the bet made the fair, I must do exactly +as the young lord did. If I had only had to move I should be moving +still, but he went through other performances." + +"Let us hear them," replied the judge. + +Then La Portillone straightens the thread, and rubs it in the wax of +the candle, to make it firm and straight; then she looked towards the +eye of the bodkin, held by the judge, slipping always to the right or +to the left. Then she began making endearing little speeches, such as, +"Ah, the pretty little bodkin! What a pretty mark to aim at! Never did +I see such a little jewel! What a pretty little eye! Let me put this +little thread into it! Ah, you will hurt my poor thread, my nice +little thread! Keep still! Come, my love of a judge, judge of my love! +Won't the thread go nicely into this iron gate, which makes good use +of the thread, for it comes out very much out of order?" Then she +burst out laughing, for she was better up in this game than the judge, +who laughed too, so saucy and comical and arch was she, pushing the +thread backwards and forwards. She kept the poor judge with the case +in his hand until seven o'clock, keeping on fidgeting and moving about +like a schoolboy let loose; but as La Portillone kept on trying to put +the thread in, he could not help it. As, however, his joint was +burning, and his wrist was tired, he was obliged to rest himself for a +minute on the side of the table; then very dexterously the fair maid +of Portillon slipped the thread in, saying-- + +"That's how the thing occurred." + +"But my joint was burning." + +"So was mine," said she. + +The judge, convinced, told La Portillone that he would speak to +Monseigneur du Fou, and would himself carry the affair through, since +it was certain the young lord had embraced her against her will, but +that for valid reasons he would keep the affair dark. On the morrow +the judge went to the Court and saw Monseigneur du Fou, to whom he +recounted the young woman's complaint, and how she had set forth her +case. This complaint lodged in court, tickled the king immensely. +Young du Fou having said that there was some truth in it, the king +asked if he had had much difficulty, and as he replied, innocently, +"No," the king declared the girl was quite worth a hundred gold +crowns, and the chamberlain gave them to the judge, in order not to be +taxed with stinginess, and said the starch would be a good income to +La Portillone. The judge came back to La Portillone, and said, +smiling, that he had raised a hundred gold crowns for her. But if she +desired the balance of the thousand, there were at that moment in the +king's apartments certain lords who, knowing the case, had offered to +make up the sum for her, with her consent. The little hussy did not +refuse this offer, saying, that in order to do no more washing in the +future she did not mind doing a little hard work now. She gratefully +acknowledged the trouble the good judge had taken, and gained her +thousand crowns in a month. From this came the falsehoods and jokes +concerning her, because out of these ten lords jealousy made a +hundred, whilst, differently from young men, La Portillone settled +down to a virtuous life directly she had her thousand crowns. Even a +Duke, who would have counted out five hundred crowns, would have found +this girl rebellious, which proves she was niggardly with her +property. It is true that the king caused her to be sent for to his +retreat of Rue Quinquangrogne, on the mall of Chardonneret, found her +extremely pretty, exceedingly affectionate, enjoyed her society, and +forbade the sergeants to interfere with her in any way whatever. +Seeing she was so beautiful, Nicole Beaupertuys, the king's mistress, +gave her a hundred gold crowns to go to Orleans, in order to see if +the colour of the Loire was the same there as at Portillon. She went +there, and the more willingly because she did not care very much for +the king. When the good man came who confessed the king in his last +hours, and was afterwards canonised, La Portillone went to him to +polish up her conscience, did penance, and founded a bed in the leper- +house of St. Lazare-aux-Tours. Many ladies whom you know have been +assaulted by more than two lords, and have founded no other beds than +those in their own houses. It is as well to relate this fact, in order +to cleanse the reputation of this honest girl, who herself once washed +dirty things, and who afterwards became famous for her clever tricks +and her wit. She gave a proof of her merit in marrying Taschereau, who +she cuckolded right merrily, as has been related in the story of The +Reproach. This proves to us most satisfactorily that with strength and +patience justice itself can be violated. + + + +IN WHICH IT IS DEMONSTRATED THAT FORTUNE IS ALWAYS FEMININE + +During the time when knights courteously offered to each other both +help and assistance in seeking their fortune, it happened that in +Sicily--which, as you are probably aware, is an island situated in the +corner of the Mediterranean Sea, and formerly celebrated--one knight +met in a wood another knight, who had the appearance of a Frenchman. +Presumably, this Frenchman was by some chance stripped of everything, +and was so wretchedly attired that but for his princely air he might +have been taken for a blackguard. It was possible that his horse had +died of hunger or fatigue, on disembarking from the foreign shore for +which he came, on the faith of the good luck which happened to the +French in Sicily, which was true in every respect. + +The Sicilian knight, whose name was Pezare, was a Venetian long absent +from the Venetian Republic, and with no desire to return there, since +he had obtained a footing in the Court of the King of Sicily. Being +short of funds in Venice, because he was a younger son, he had no +fancy for commerce, and was for that reason eventually abandoned by +his family, a most illustrious one. He therefore remained at this +Court, where he was much liked by the king. + +This gentleman was riding a splendid Spanish horse, and thinking to +himself how lonely he was in this strange court, without trusty +friends, and how in such cases fortune was harsh to helpless people +and became a traitress, when he met the poor French knight, who +appeared far worse off that he, who had good weapons, a fine horse, +and a mansion where servants were then preparing a sumptuous supper. + +"You must have come a long way to have so much dust on your feet," +said the Venetian. + +"My feet have not as much dust as the road was long," answered the +Frenchman. + +"If you have travelled so much," continued the Venetian, "you must be +a learned man." + +"I have learned," replied the Frenchman, "to give no heed to those who +do not trouble about me. I have learnt that however high a man's head +was, his feet were always level with my own; more than that, I have +learnt to have no confidence in the warm days of winter, in the sleep +of my enemies, or the words of my friends." + +"You are, then, richer than I am," said the Venetian, astonished, +"since you tell me things of which I never thought." + +"Everyone must think for himself," said the Frenchman; "and as you +have interrogated me, I can request from you the kindness of pointing +to me the road to Palermo or some inn, for the night is closing in." + +"Are you then, acquainted with no French or Sicilian gentlemen at +Palermo?" + +"No." + +"Then you are not certain of being received?" + +"I am disposed to forgive those who reject me. The road, sir, if you +please." + +"I am lost like yourself," said the Venetian. "Let us look for it in +company." + +"To do that we must go together; but you are on horseback, I am on +foot." + +The Venetian took the French knight on his saddle behind him, and +said-- + +"Do you know with whom you are?" + +"With a man, apparently." + +"Do you think you are in safety?" + +"If you were a robber, you would have to take care of yourself," said +the Frenchman, putting the point of his dagger to the Venetian's +heart. + +"Well, now, my noble Frenchman, you appear to be a man of great +learning and sound sense; know that I am a noble, established at the +Court of Sicily, but alone, and I seek a friend. You seem to be in the +same plight, and, judging from appearances, you do not seem friendly +with your lot, and have apparently need of everybody." + +"Should I be happier if everybody wanted me?" + +"You are a devil, who turns every one of my words against me. By St. +Mark! my lord knight, can one trust you?" + +"More than yourself, who commenced our federal friendship by deceiving +me, since you guide your horse like a man who knows his way, and you +said you were lost." + +"And did not you deceive me?" said the Venetian, "by making a sage of +your years walk, and giving a noble knight the appearance of a +vagabond? Here is my abode; my servants have prepared supper for us." + +The Frenchman jumped off the horse, and entered the house with the +Venetian cavalier, accepting his supper. They both seated themselves +at the table. The Frenchman fought so well with his jaws, he twisted +the morsels with so much agility, that he showed herself equally +learned in suppers, and showed it again in dexterously draining the +wine flasks without his eye becoming dimmed or his understanding +affected. Then you may be sure that the Venetian thought to himself he +had fallen in with a fine son of Adam, sprung from the right side and +the wrong one. While they were drinking together, the Venetian +endeavoured to find some joint through which to sound the secret +depths of his friend's cogitations. He, however, clearly perceived +that he would cast aside his shirt sooner than his prudence, and +judged it opportune to gain his esteem by opening his doublet to him. +Therefore he told him in what state was Sicily, where reigned Prince +Leufroid and his gentle wife; how gallant was the Court, what courtesy +there flourished, that there abounded many lords of Spain, Italy, +France, and other countries, lords in high feather and well feathered; +many princesses, as rich as noble, and as noble as rich; that this +prince had the loftiest aspirations--such as to conquer Morocco, +Constantinople, Jerusalem, the lands of Soudan, and other African +places. Certain men of vast minds conducted his affairs, bringing +together the ban and arriere ban of the flower of Christian chivalry, +and kept up his splendour with the idea of causing to reign over the +Mediterranean this Sicily, so opulent in times gone by, and of ruining +Venice, which had not a foot of land. These designs had been planted +in the king's mind by him, Pezare; but although he was high in that +prince's favour, he felt himself weak, had no assistance from the +courtiers, and desired to make a friend. In this great trouble he had +gone for a little ride to turn matters over in his mind, and decide +upon the course to pursue. Now, since while in this idea he had met a +man of so much sense as the chevalier had proved herself to be, he +proposed to fraternise with him, to open his purse to him, and give +him his palace to live in. They would journey in company through life +in search of honours and pleasure, without concealing one single +thought, and would assist each other on all occasions as the brothers- +in-arms did at the Crusades. Now, as the Frenchman was seeking his +fortune, and required assistance, the Venetian did not for a moment +expect that this offer of mutual consolation would be refused. + +"Although I stand in need of no assistance," said the Frenchman, +"because I rely upon a point which will procure me all that I desire, +I should like to acknowledge your courtesy, dear Chevalier Pezare. You +will soon see that you will yet be the debtor of Gauttier de +Monsoreau, a gentleman of the fair land of Touraine." + +"Do you possess any relic with which your fortune is wound up?" said +the Venetian. + +"A talisman given me by my dear mother," said the Touranian, "with +which castles and cities are built and demolished, a hammer to coin +money, a remedy for every ill, a traveller's staff always ready to be +tried, and worth most when in a state of readiness, a master tool, +which executes wondrous works in all sorts of forges, without making +the slightest noise." + +"Eh! by St. Mark you have, then, a mystery concealed in your hauberk?" + +"No," said the French knight; "it is a perfectly natural thing. Here +it is." + +And rising suddenly from the table to prepare for bed, Gauttier showed +to the Venetian the finest talisman to procure joy that he had ever +seen. + +"This," said the Frenchman, as they both got into bed together, +according to the custom of the times, "overcomes every obstacle, by +making itself master of female hearts; and as the ladies are the +queens in this court, your friend Gauttier will soon reign there." + +The Venetian remained in great astonishment at the sight of the secret +charms of the said Gauttier, who had indeed been bounteously endowed +by his mother, and perhaps also by his father; and would thus triumph +over everything, since he joined to this corporeal perfection the wit +of a young page, and the wisdom of an old devil. Then they swore an +eternal friendship, regarding as nothing therein a woman's heart, +vowing to have one and the same idea, as if their heads had been in +the same helmet; and they fell asleep on the same pillow enchanted +with this fraternity. This was a common occurrence in those days. + +On the morrow the Venetian gave a fine horse to his friend Gauttier, +also a purse full of money, fine silken hose, a velvet doublet, +fringed with gold, and an embroidered mantle, which garments set off +his figure so well, and showed up his beauties, that the Venetian was +certain he would captivate all the ladies. The servants received +orders to obey this Gauttier as they would himself, so that they +fancied their master had been fishing, and had caught this Frenchman. +Then the two friends made their entry into Palermo at the hour when +the princes and princesses were taking the air. Pezare presented his +French friend, speaking so highly of his merits, and obtaining such a +gracious reception for him, that Leufroid kept him to supper. The +knight kept a sharp eye on the Court, and noticed therein various +curious little secret practices. If the king was a brave and handsome +prince, the princess was a Spanish lady of high temperature, the most +beautiful and most noble woman of his Court, but inclined to +melancholy. Looking at her, the Touranian believed that she was +sparingly embraced by the king, for the law of Touraine is that joy in +the face comes from joy elsewhere. Pezare pointed out to his friend +Gauttier several ladies to whom Leufroid was exceedingly gracious and +who were exceedingly jealous and fought for him in a tournament of +gallantries and wonderful female inventions. From all this Gauttier +concluded that the prince went considerably astray with his court, +although he had the prettiest wife in the world, and occupied himself +with taxing the ladies of Sicily, in order that he might put his horse +in their stables, vary his fodder, and learn the equestrian +capabilities of many lands. Perceiving what a life Leufroid was +leading, the Sire de Monsoreau, certain that no one in the Court had +had the heart to enlighten the queen, determined at one blow to plant +his halberd in the field of the fair Spaniard by a master stroke; and +this is how. At supper-time, in order to show courtesy to the foreign +knight, the king took care to place him near the queen, to whom the +gallant Gauttier offered his arm, to take her into the room, and +conducted her there hastily, to get ahead of those who were following, +in order to whisper, first of all, a word concerning a subject which +always pleases the ladies in whatever condition they may be. Imagine +what this word was, and how it went straight through the stubble and +weeds into the warm thicket of love. + +"I know, your majesty, what causes your paleness of face." + +"What?" said she. + +"You are so loving that the king loves you night and day; thus you +abuse your advantage, for he will die of love." + +"What should I do to keep him alive?" said the queen. + +"Forbid him to repeat at your altar more than three prayers a day." + +"You are joking, after the French fashion, Sir Knight, seeing that the +king's devotion to me does not extend beyond a short prayer a week." + +"You are deceived," said Gauttier, seating himself at the table. "I +can prove to you that love should go through the whole mass, matins, +and vespers, with an /Ave/ now and then, for queens as for simple +women, and go through the ceremony every day, like the monks in their +monastery, with fervour; but for you these litanies should never +finish." + +The queen cast upon the knight a glance which was far from one of +displeasure, smiled at him, and shook her head. + +"In this," said she, "men are great liars." + +"I have with me a great truth which I will show you when you wish it." +replied the knight. "I undertake to give you queen's fare, and put you +on the high road to joy; by this means you will make up for lost time, +the more so as the king is ruined through other women, while I shall +reserve my advantage for your service." + +"And if the king learns of our arrangement, he will put your head on a +level with your feet." + +"Even if this misfortune befell me it after the first night, I should +believe I had lived a hundred years, from the joy therein received, +for never have I seen, after visiting all Courts, a princess fit to +hold a candle to your beauty. To be brief, if I die not by the sword, +you will still be the cause of my death, for I am resolved to spend my +life in your love, if life will depart in the place whence it comes." + +Now this queen had never heard such words before, and preferred them +to the most sweetly sung mass; her pleasure showed itself in her face, +which became purple, for these words made her blood boil within her +veins, so that the strings of her lute were moved thereat, and struck +a sweet note that rang melodiously in her ears, for this lute fills +with its music the brain and the body of the ladies, by a sweet +artifice of their resonant nature. What a shame to be young, +beautiful, Spanish, and queen, and yet neglected. She conceived an +intense disdain for those of her Court who had kept their lips closed +concerning this infidelity, through fear of the king, and determined +to revenge herself with the aid of this handsome Frenchman, who cared +so little for life that in his first words he had staked it in making +a proposition to a queen, which was worthy of death, if she did her +duty. Instead of this, however, she pressed his foot with her own, in +a manner that admitted no misconception, and said aloud to him-- + +"Sir Knight, let us change the subject, for it is very wrong of you to +attack a poor queen in her weak spot. Tell us the customs of the +ladies of the Court of France." + +Thus did the knight receive the delicate hint that the business was +arranged. Then he commenced to talk of merry and pleasant things, +which during supper kept the court, the king, the queen, and all the +courtiers in a good humour; so much so that when the siege was raised, +Leufroid declared that he had never laughed so much in his life. Then +they strolled about the gardens, which were the most beautiful in the +world, and the queen made a pretext of the chevalier's sayings to walk +beneath a grove of blossoming orange trees, which yielded a delicious +fragrance. + +"Lovely and noble queen," said Gauttier, immediately, "I have seen in +all countries the perdition of love have its birth in these first +attentions, which we call courtesy; if you have confidence in me, let +us agree, as people of high intelligence, to love each other without +standing on so much ceremony; by this means no suspicion will be +aroused, our happiness will be less dangerous and more lasting. In +this fashion should queens conduct their amours, if they would avoid +interference." + +"Well said," said she. "But as I am new at this business, I did not +know what arrangements to make." + +"Have you are among your women one in whom you have perfect +confidence?" + +"Yes," said she; "I have a maid who came from Spain with me, who would +put herself on a gridiron for me like St. Lawrence did for God, but +she is always poorly." + +"That's good," said her companion, "because you go to see her." + +"Yes," said the queen, "and sometimes at night." + +"Ah!" exclaimed Gauttier, "I make a vow to St. Rosalie, patroness of +Sicily, to build her a gold altar for this fortune." + +"O Jesus!" cried the queen. "I am doubly blessed in having a lover so +handsome and yet so religious." + +"Ah, my dear, I have two sweethearts today, because I have a queen to +love in heaven above, and another one here below, and luckily these +loves cannot clash one with the other." + +This sweet speech so affected the queen, that for nothing she would +have fled with this cunning Frenchman. + +"The Virgin Mary is very powerful in heaven," said the queen. "Love +grant that I may be like her!" + +"Bah! they are talking of the Virgin Mary," said the king, who by +chance had come to watch them, disturbed by a gleam of jealousy, cast +into his heart by a Sicilian courtier, who was furious at the sudden +favour which the Frenchman had obtained. + +The queen and the chevalier laid their plans, and everything was +secretly arranged to furnish the helmet of the king with two invisible +ornaments. The knight rejoined the Court, made himself agreeable to +everyone, and returned to the Palace of Pezare, whom he told that +their fortunes were made, because on the morrow, at night, he would +sleep with the queen. This swift success astonished the Venetian, who, +like a good friend, went in search of fine perfumes, linen of Brabant, +and precious garments, to which queens are accustomed, with all of +which he loaded his friend Gauttier, in order that the case might be +worthy the jewel. + +"Ah, my friend," said he "are you sure not to falter, but to go +vigorously to work, to serve the queen bravely, and give her such joys +in her castle of Gallardin that she may hold on for ever to this +master staff, like a drowning sailor to a plank?" + +"As for that, fear nothing, dear Pezare, because I have the arrears of +the journey, and I will deal with her as with a simple servant, +instructing her in the ways of the ladies of Touraine, who understand +love better than all others, because they make it, remake it, and +unmake it to make it again and having remade it, still keep on making +it; and having nothing else to do, have to do that which always wants +doing. Now let us settle our plans. This is how we shall obtain the +government of the island. I shall hold the queen and you the king; we +will play the comedy of being great enemies before the eyes of the +courtiers, in order to divide them into two parties under our command, +and yet, unknown to all, we will remain friends. By this means we +shall know their plots, and will thwart them, you by listening to my +enemies and I to yours. In the course of a few days we will pretend to +quarrel in order to strive one against the other. This quarrel will be +caused by the favour in which I will manage to place you with the +king, through the channel of the queen, and he will give you supreme +power, to my injury." + +On the morrow Gauttier went to the house of the Spanish lady, who +before the courtiers he recognised as having known in Spain, and he +remained there seven whole days. As you can imagine, the Touranian +treated the queen as a fondly loved woman, and showed her so many +terra incognita in love, French fashions, little tendernesses, etc., +that she nearly lost her reason through it, and swore that the French +were the only people who thoroughly understood love. You see how the +king was punished, who, to keep her virtuous, had allowed weeds to +grow in the grange of love. Their supernatural festivities touched the +queen so strongly that she made a vow of eternal love to Montsoreau, +who had awakened her, by revealing to her the joys of the proceeding. +It was arranged that the Spanish lady should take care always to be +ill; and that the only man to whom the lovers would confide their +secret should be the court physician, who was much attached to the +queen. By chance this physician had in his glottis, chords exactly +similar to those of Gauttier, so that by a freak of nature they had +the same voice, which much astonished the queen. The physician swore +on his life faithfully to serve the pretty couple, for he deplored the +sad desertion of this beautiful women, and was delighted to know she +would be served as a queen should be--a rare thing. + +A month elapsed and everything was going on to the satisfaction of the +two friends, who worked the plans laid by the queen, in order to get +the government of Sicily into the hands of Pezare, to the detriment of +Montsoreau, whom the king loved for his great wisdom; but the queen +would not consent to have him, because he was so ungallant. Leufroid +dismissed the Duke of Cataneo, his principal follower, and put the +Chevalier Pezare in his place. The Venetian took no notice of his +friend the Frenchmen. Then Gauttier burst out, declaimed loudly +against the treachery and abused friendship of his former comrade, and +instantly earned the devotion of Cataneo and his friends, with whom he +made a compact to overthrow Pezare. Directly he was in office the +Venetian, who was a shrewd man, and well suited to govern states, +which was the usual employment of Venetian gentlemen, worked wonders +in Sicily, repaired the ports, brought merchants there by the +fertility of his inventions and by granting them facilities, put bread +into the mouths of hundreds of poor people, drew thither artisans of +all trades, because fetes were always being held, and also the idle +and rich from all quarters, even from the East. Thus harvests, the +products of the earth, and other commodities, were plentiful; and +galleys came from Asia, the which made the king much envied, and the +happiest king in the Christian world, because through these things his +Court was the most renowned in the countries of Europe. This fine +political aspect was the result of the perfect agreement of the two +men who thoroughly understood each other. The one looked after the +pleasures, and was himself the delight of the queen, whose face was +always bright and gay, because she was served according to the method +of Touraine, and became animated through excessive happiness; and he +also took care to keep the king amused, finding him every day new +mistresses, and casting him into a whirl of dissipation. The king was +much astonished at the good temper of the queen, whom, since the +arrival of the Sire de Montsoreau in the island, he had touched no +more than a Jew touches bacon. Thus occupied, the king and queen +abandoned the care of their kingdom to the other friend, who conducted +the affairs of government, ruled the establishment, managed the +finances, and looked to the army, and all exceedingly well, knowing +where money was to be made, enriching the treasury, and preparing all +the great enterprises above mentioned. + +The state of things lasted three years, some say four, but the monks +of Saint Benoist have not wormed out the date, which remains obscure, +like the reasons for the quarrel between the two friends. Probably the +Venetian had the high ambition to reign without any control or +dispute, and forgot the services which the Frenchman had rendered him. +Thus do the men who live in Courts behave, for, according to the +statements of the Messire Aristotle in his works, that which ages the +most rapidly in this world is a kindness, although extinguished love +is sometimes very rancid. Now, relying on the perfect friendship of +Leufroid, who called him his crony, and would have done anything for +him, the Venetian conceived the idea of getting rid of his friend by +revealing to the king the mystery of his cuckoldom, and showing him +the source of the queen's happiness, not doubting for a moment but +that he would commence by depriving Monsoreau of his head, according +to a practice common in Sicily under similar circumstances. By this +means Pezare would have all the money that he and Gauttier had +noiselessly conveyed to the house of a Lombard of Genoa, which money +was their joint property on account of their fraternity. This +treasure, increased on one side by the magnificent presents made to +Montsoreau by the queen, who had vast estates in Spain, and other, by +inheritance in Italy; on the other, by the king's gifts to his prime +minister, to whom he also gave certain rights over the merchants, and +other indulgences. The treacherous friend, having determined to break +his vow, took care to conceal his intention from Gauttier, because the +Touranian was an awkward man to tackle. + +One night that Pezare knew that the queen was in bed with her lover, +who loved him as though each night were a wedding one, so skilful was +she at the business, the traitor promised the king to let him take +evidence in the case, through a hole he had made in the wardrobe of +the Spanish lady, who always pretended to be at death's door. In order +to obtain a better view, Pezare waited until the sun had risen. The +Spanish lady, who was fleet of foot, had a quick eye and a sharp ear, +heard footsteps, peeped out, and perceiving the king, followed by the +Venetian, through a crossbar in the closet in which she slept the +night that the queen had her lover between two sheets, which is +certainly the best way to have a lover. She ran to warn the couple of +this betrayal. But the king's eye was already at the cursed hole, +Leufroid saw--what? + +That beautiful and divine lantern with burns so much oil and lights +the world--a lantern adorned with the most lovely baubles, flaming, +brilliantly, which he thought more lovely than all the others, because +he had lost sight of it for so long a time that it appeared quite new +to him; but the size of the hole prevented him seeing anything else +except the hand of a man, which modestly covered the lantern, and he +heard the voice of Montsoreau saying-- + +"How's the little treasure, this morning?" A playful expression, which +lovers used jokingly, because this lantern is in all countries the sun +of love, and for this the prettiest possible names are bestowed upon +it, whilst comparing it to the loveliest things in nature, such as my +pomegranate, my rose, my little shell, my hedgehog, my gulf of love, +my treasure, my master, my little one; some even dared most +heretically to say, my god! If you don't believe it, ask your friends. + +At this moment the lady let him understand by a gesture that the king +was there. + +"Can he hear?" said the queen. + +"Yes." + +"Can he see?" + +"Yes." + +"Who brought him?" + +"Pezare." + +"Fetch the physician, and get Gauttier into his own room." said the +queen. + +In less time than it takes a beggar to say "God bless you, sir!" the +queen had swathed the lantern in linen and paint, so that you would +have thought it a hideous wound in a state of grievous inflammation. +When the king, enraged by what he overheard, burst open the door, he +found the queen lying on the bed exactly as he has seen her through +the hole, and the physician, examining the lantern swathed in +bandages, and saying, "How it is the little treasure, this morning?" +in exactly the same voice as the king had heard. A jocular and +cheerful expression, because physicians and surgeons use cheerful +words with ladies and treat this sweet flower with flowery phrases. +This sight made the king look as foolish as a fox caught in a trap. +The queen sprang up, reddening with shame, and asking what man dared +to intrude upon her privacy at such a moment, but perceiving the king, +she said to him as follows:-- + +"Ah! my lord, you have discovered that which I have endeavoured to +conceal from you: that I am so badly treated by you that I am +afflicted with a burning ailment, of which my dignity would not allow +me to complain, but which needs secret dressing in order to assuage +the influence of the vital forces. To save my honour and your own, I +am compelled to come to my good Lady Miraflor, who consoles me in my +troubles." + +Then the physician commenced to treat Leufroid to an oration, +interlarded with Latin quotations and precious grains from +Hippocrates, Galen, the School of Salerno, and others, in which he +showed him how necessary to women was the proper cultivation of the +field of Venus, and that there was great danger of death to queens of +Spanish temperament, whose blood was excessively amorous. He delivered +himself of his arguments with great solemnity of feature, voice, and +manner, in order to give the Sire de Montsoreau time to get to bed. +Then the queen took the same text to preach the king a sermon as long +as his arm, and requested the loan of that limb, that the king might +conduct her to her apartment instead of the poor invalid, who usually +did so in order to avoid calumny. When they were in the gallery where +the Sire de Montsoreau resided, the queen said jokingly, "You should +play a good trick on this Frenchman, who I would wager is with some +lady, and not in his own room. All the ladies of Court are in love +with him, and there will be mischief some day through him. If you had +taken my advice he would not be in Sicily now." + +Leufroid went suddenly into Gauttier's room, whom he found in a deep +sleep, and snoring like a monk in Church. The queen returned with the +king, whom she took to her apartments, and whispered to one of the +guards to send to her the lord whose place Pezare occupied. Then, +while she fondled the king, taking breakfast with him, she took the +lord directly he came, into an adjoining room. + +"Erect a gallows on the bastion," said she, "then seize the knight +Pezare, and manage so that he is hanged instantly, without giving time +to write or say a single word on any subject whatsoever. Such is our +good pleasure and supreme command." + +Cataneo made no remark. While Pezare was thinking to himself that his +friend Gauttier would soon be minus his head, the Duke Cataneo came to +seize and lead him on to bastion, from which he could see at the +queen's window the Sire de Montsoreau in company with the king, the +queen, and the courtiers, and came to the conclusion that he who +looked after the queen had a better chance in everything than he who +looked after the king. + +"My dear," said the queen to her spouse, leading him to the window, +"behold a traitor, who was endeavouring to deprive you of that which +you hold dearest in the world, and I will give you the proofs when you +have the leisure to study them." + +Montsoreau, seeing the preparations for the final ceremony, threw +himself at the king's feet, to obtain the pardon of him who was his +mortal enemy, at which the king was much moved. + +"Sire de Monsoreau," said the queen, turning towards him with an angry +look, "are you so bold as to oppose our will and pleasure?" + +"You are a noble knight," said the king, "but you do not know how +bitter this Venetian was against you." + +Pezare was delicately strangled between the head and the shoulders, +for the queen revealed his treacheries to the king, proving to him, by +the declaration of a Lombard of the town, the enormous sums which +Pezare had in the bank of Genoa, the whole of which were given up to +Montsoreau. + +This noble and lovely queen died, as related in the history of Sicily, +that is, in consequence of a heavy labour, during which she gave birth +to a son, who was a man as great in himself as he was unfortunate in +his undertakings. The king believed the physician's statement, that +the said termination to this accouchement was caused by the too chaste +life the queen had led, and believing himself responsible for it, he +founded the Church of the Madonna, which is one of the finest in the +town of Palermo. The Sire de Monsoreau, who was a witness of the +king's remorse, told him that when a king got his wife from Spain, he +ought to know that this queen would require more attention than any +other, because the Spanish ladies were so lively that they equalled +ten ordinary women, and that if he wished a wife for show only, he +should get her from the north of Germany, where the women are as cold +as ice. The good knight came back to Touraine laden with wealth, and +lived there many years, but never mentioned his adventures in Sicily. +He returned there to aid the king's son in his principal attempt +against Naples, and left Italy when this sweet prince was wounded, as +is related in the Chronicle. + +Besides the high moralities contained in the title of this tale, where +it is said that fortune, being female, is always on the side of the +ladies, and that men are quite right to serve them well, it shows us +that silence is the better part of wisdom. Nevertheless, the monkish +author of this narrative seems to draw this other no less learned +moral therefrom, that interest which makes so many friendships, breaks +them also. But from these three versions you can choose the one that +best accords with your judgment and your momentary requirement. + + + +CONCERNING A POOR MAN WHO WAS CALLED LE VIEUX PAR-CHEMINS + +The old chronicler who furnished the hemp to weave the present story, +is said to have lived at the time when the affair occurred in the City +of Rouen. + +In the environs of this fair town, where at the time dwelt Duke +Richard, an old man used to beg, whose name was Tryballot, but to whom +was given the nickname of Le Vieux par-Chemins, or the Old Man of the +Roads; not because he was yellow and dry as vellum, but because he was +always in the high-ways and by-ways--up hill and down dale--slept with +the sky for his counterpane, and went about in rags and tatters. +Notwithstanding this, he was very popular in the duchy, where everyone +had grown used to him, so much so that if the month went by without +anyone seeing his cup held towards them, people would say, "Where is +the old man?" and the usual answer was, "On the roads." + +This said man had had for a father a Tryballot, who was in his +lifetime a skilled artisan, so economical and careful, that he left +considerable wealth to his son. + +But the young lad soon frittered it away, for he was the very opposite +of the old fellow, who, returning from the fields to his house, picked +up, now here, now there, many a little stick of wood left right and +left, saying, conscientiously, that one should never come home empty +handed. Thus he warmed himself in the winter at the expense of the +careless; and he did well. Everyone recognised what a good example +this was for the country, since a year before his death no one left a +morsel of wood on the road; he had compelled the most dissipated to be +thrifty and orderly. But his son made ducks and drakes of everything, +and did not follow his wise example. The father had predicted the +thing. From the boy's earliest youth, when the good Tryballot set him +to watch the birds who came to eat the peas, beans, and the grain, and +to drive the thieves away, above all, the jays, who spoiled +everything, he would study their habits, and took delight in watching +with what grace they came and went, flew off loaded, and returned, +watching with a quick eye the snares and nets; and he would laugh +heartily at their cleverness in avoiding them. Tryballot senior went +into a passion when he found his grain considerably less in a measure. +But although he pulled his son's ears whenever he caught him idling +and trifling under a nut tree, the little rascal did not alter his +conduct, but continued to study the habits of the blackbirds, +sparrows, and other intelligent marauders. One day his father told him +that he would be wise to model himself after them, for that if he +continued this kind of life, he would be compelled in his old age like +them, to pilfer, and like them, would be pursued by justice. This came +true; for, as has before been stated, he dissipated in a few days the +crowns which his careful father had acquired in a life-time. He dealt +with men as he did with the sparrows, letting everyone put a hand in +his pocket, and contemplating the grace and polite demeanour of those +who assisted to empty it. The end of his wealth was thus soon reached. +When the devil had the empty money bag to himself, Tryballot did not +appear at all cut up, saying, that he "did not wish to damn himself +for this world's goods, and that he had studied philosophy in the +school of the birds." + +After having thoroughly enjoyed himself, of all his goods, there only +remained to him a goblet bought at Landict, and three dice, quite +sufficient furniture for drinking and gambling, so that he went about +without being encumbered, as are the great, with chariots, carpets, +dripping pans, and an infinite number of varlets. Tryballot wished to +see his good friends, but they no longer knew him, which fact gave him +leave no longer to recognise anyone. Seeing this, he determined to +choose a profession in which there was nothing to do and plenty to +gain. Thinking this over, he remembered the indulgences of the +blackbirds and the sparrows. Then the good Tryballot selected for his +profession that of begging money at people's houses, and pilfering. +From the first day, charitable people gave him something, and +Tryballot was content, finding the business good, without advance +money or bad debts; on the contrary, full of accommodation. He went +about it so heartily, that he was liked everywhere, and received a +thousand consolations refused to rich people. The good man watched the +peasants planting, sowing, reaping, and making harvest, and said to +himself, that they worked a little for him as well. He who had a pig +in his larder owed him a bit for it, without suspecting it. The man +who baked a loaf in his oven often baked it for Tryballot without +knowing it. He took nothing by force; on the contrary, people said to +him kindly, while making him a present, "Here Vieux par-Chemins, cheer +up, old fellow. How are you? Come, take this; the cat began it, you +can finish it." + +Vieux par-Chemins was at all the weddings, baptisms, and funerals, +because he went everywhere where there was, openly or secretly, +merriment and feasting. He religiously kept the statutes and canons of +his order--namely, to do nothing, because if he had been able to do +the smallest amount of work no one would ever give anything again. +After having refreshed himself, this wise man would lay full length in +a ditch, or against a church wall, and think over public affairs; and +then he would philosophise, like his pretty tutors, the blackbirds, +jays, and sparrows, and thought a great deal while mumping; for, +because his apparel was poor, was that a reason his understanding +should not be rich? His philosophy amused his clients, to whom he +would repeat, by way of thanks, the finest aphorisms of his science. +According to him, suppers produced gout in the rich: he boasted that +he had nimble feet, because his shoemaker gave him boots that do not +pinch his corns. There were aching heads beneath diadems, but his +never ached, because it was touched neither by luxury nor any other +chaplet. And again, that jewelled rings hinder the circulation of the +blood. Although he covered himself with sores, after the manner of +cadgers, you may be sure he was as sound as a child at the baptismal +font. + +The good man disported himself with other rogues, playing with his +three dice, which he kept to remind him to spend his coppers, in order +that he might always be poor. In spite of his vow, he was, like all +the order of mendicants, so wealthy that one day at the Paschal feast, +another beggar wishing to rent his profit from him, Vieux par-Chemins +refused ten crowns for it; in fact, the same evening he spent fourteen +crowns in drinking the health of the alms-givers, because it is the +statutes of beggary that one should show one's gratitude to donors. +Although he carefully got rid of that of which had been a source of +anxiety to others, who, having too much wealth went in search of +poverty, he was happier with nothing in the world than when he had his +father's money. And seeing what are the conditions of nobility, he was +always on the high road to it, because he did nothing except according +to his fancy, and lived nobly without labour. Thirty crowns would not +have got him out of a bed when he was in it. The morrow always dawned +for him as it did for others, while leading this happy life; which, +according to the statements of Plato, whose authority has more than +once been invoked in these narratives, certain ancient sages had led +before him. At last, Vieux par-Chemins reached the age of eighty-two +years, having never been a single day without picking up money, and +possessed the healthiest colour and complexion imaginable. He believed +that if he had persevered in the race for wealth he would have been +spoiled and buried years before. It is possible he was right. + +In his early youth Vieux par-Chemins had the illustrious virtue of +being very partial to the ladies; and his abundance of love was, it is +said, the result of his studies among the sparrows. Thus it was that +he was always ready to give the ladies his assistance in counting the +joists, and this generosity finds its physical cause in the fact that, +having nothing to do, he was always ready to do something. His secret +virtues brought about, it is said, that popularity which he enjoyed in +the provinces. Certain people say that the lady of Chaumont had him in +her castle, to learn the truth about these qualities, and kept him +there for a week, to prevent him begging. But the good man jumped over +the hedges and fled in great terror of being rich. Advancing in age, +this great quintessencer found himself disdained, although his notable +faculties of loving were in no way impaired. This unjust turning away +on the part of the female tribe caused the first trouble of Vieux par- +Chemins, and the celebrated trial of Rouen, to which it is time I +came. + +In this eighty-second year of his age he was compelled to remain +continent for about seven months, during which time he met no woman +kindly disposed towards him; and he declared before the judge that +that had caused the greatest astonishment of his long and honourable +life. In this most pitiable state he saw in the fields during the +merry month of May a girl, who by chance was a maiden, and minding +cows. The heat was so excessive that this cowherdess had stretched +herself beneath the shadow of a beech tree, her face to the ground, +after the custom of people who labour in the fields, in order to get a +little nap while her animals were grazing. She was awakened by the +deed of the old man, who had stolen from her that which a poor girl +could only lose once. Finding herself ruined without receiving from +the process either knowledge or pleasure, she cried out so loudly that +the people working in the fields ran to her, and were called upon by +her as witnesses, at the time when that destruction was visible in her +which is appropriate only to a bridal night. She cried and groaned, +saying that the old ape might just as well have played his tricks on +her mother, who would have said nothing. + +He made answer to the peasants, who had already raised their hoes to +kill him, that he had been compelled to enjoy himself. These people +objected that a man can enjoy himself very well without enjoying a +maiden--a case for the provost, which would bring him straight to the +gallows; and he was taken with great clamour to the jail of Rouen. + +The girl, interrogated by the provost, declared that she was sleeping +in order to do something, and that she thought she was dreaming of her +lover, with whom she was then at loggerheads, because before marriage +he wished to take certain liberties: and jokingly, in this dream she +let him reconnoiter to a certain extent, in order to avoid any dispute +afterwards, and that in spite of her prohibitions he went further than +she had given him leave to go, and finding more pain than pleasure in +the affair, she had been awakened by Vieux par-Chemins, who had +attacked her as a gray-friar would a ham at the end of lent. + +This trial caused so great a commotion in the town of Rouen that the +provost was sent for by the duke, who had an intense desire to know if +the thing were true. Upon the affirmation of the provost, he ordered +Vieux par-Chemins to be brought to his palace, in order that he might +hear what defence he had to make. The poor old fellow appeared before +the prince, and informed him naively of the misfortune which his +impulsive nature brought upon him, declaring that he was like a young +fellow impelled by imperious desires; that up to the present year he +had sweethearts of his own, but for the last eight months he had been +a total abstainer; that he was too poor to find favour with the girls +of the town; that honest women who once were charitable to him, had +taken a dislike to his hair, which had feloniously turned white in +spite of the green youth of his love, and that he felt compelled to +avail himself of the chance when he saw this maiden, who, stretched at +full length under the beech tree, left visible the lining of her dress +and two hemispheres, white as snow, which had deprived him of reason; +that the fault was the girl's and not his, because young maidens +should be forbidden to entice passers-by by showing them that which +caused Venus to be named Callipyge; finally the prince ought to be +aware what trouble a man had to control himself at the hour of noon, +because that was the time of day at which King David was smitten with +the wife of the Sieur Uriah, that where a Hebrew king, beloved of God, +had succumbed, a poor man, deprived of all joy, and reduced to begging +for his bread, could not expect to escape; that for that matter of +that, he was quite willing to sing psalms for the remainder of his +days, and play upon a lute by way of penance, in imitation of the said +king, who had had the misfortune to slay a husband, while he had only +done a trifling injury to a peasant girl. The duke listened to the +arguments of Vieux par-Chemins, and said that he was a man of good +parts. Then he made his memorable decree, that if, as this beggar +declared, he had need of such gratification at his age he gave +permission to prove it at the foot of the ladder which he would have +to mount to be hanged, according to the sentence already passed on him +by the provost; that if then, the rope being round his neck, between +the priest and the hangman, a like desire seized him he should have a +free pardon. + +This decree becoming known, there was a tremendous crowd to see the +old fellow led to the gallows. There was a line drawn up as if for a +ducal entry, and in it many more bonnets than hats. Vieux par-Chemins +was saved by a lady curious to see how this precious violator would +finish his career. She told the duke that religion demanded that he +should have a fair chance. And she dressed herself as if for a ball; +she brought intentionally into evidence two hillocks of such snowy +whiteness that the whitest linen neckerchief would have paled before +them; indeed, these fruits of love stood out, without a wrinkle, over +her corset, like two beautiful apples, and made one's mouth water, so +exquisite were they. This noble lady, who was one of those who rouse +one's manhood, had a smile ready on her lips for the old fellow. Vieux +par-Chemins, dressed in garments of coarse cloth, more certain of +being in the desired state after hanging than before it, came along +between the officers of justice with a sad countenance, glancing now +here and there, and seeing nothing but head-dresses; and he would he +declared, have given a hundred crowns for a girl tucked up as was the +cowherdess, whose charms, though they had been his ruin, he still +remembered, and they might still have saved him; but, as he was old, +the remembrance was not sufficiently recent. But when, at the foot of +the ladder, he saw the twin charms of the lady, and the pretty delta +that their confluent rotundities produced, the sight so much excited +him that his emotion was patent to the spectators. + +"Make haste and see that the required conditions are fulfilled," said +he to the officers. "I have gained my pardon but I cannot answer for +my saviour." + +The lady was well pleased with this homage, which, she said, was +greater than his offence. The guards, whose business it was to proceed +to a verification, believed the culprit to be the devil, because never +in their wits had they seen an "I" so perpendicular as was the old +man. He was marched in triumph through the town to the palace of the +duke, to whom the guards and others stated the facts. In that period +of ignorance, this affair was thought so much of that the town voted +the erection of a column on the spot where the old fellow gained his +pardon, and he was portrayed thereon in stone in the attitude he +assumed at the sight of that honest and virtuous lady. The statue was +still to be seen when Rouen was taken by the English, and the writers +of the period have included this history among the notable events of +the reign. + +As the town offered to supply the old man with all he required, and +see to his sustenance, clothing, and amusements, the good duke +arranged matters by giving the injured maiden a thousand crowns and +marrying her to her seducer, who then lost his name of Vieux par- +Chemins. He was named by the duke the Sieur de Bonne-C------. This +wife was confined nine months afterwards of a perfectly formed male +child, alive and kicking, and born with two teeth. From this marriage +came the house of Bonne-C------, who from motives modest but wrong, +besought our well-beloved King Louis Eleventh to grant them letters +patent to change their names into that of Bonne-Chose. The king +pointed out to the Sieur de Bonne-C------ that there was in the state +of Venice an illustrious family named Coglioni, who wore three +"C------ au natural" on their coat of arms. The gentlemen of the House +of Bonne-C------ stated to the king that their wives were ashamed to +be thus called in public assemblies; the king answered that they would +lose a great deal, because there is a great deal in a name. +Nevertheless, he granted the letters. After that this race was known +by this name, and founded families in many provinces. The first Sieur +de Bonne-C------ lived another 27 years, and had another son and two +daughters. But he grieved much at becoming rich, and no longer being +able to pick up a living in the street. + +From this you can obtain finer lessons and higher morals than from any +story you will read all your life long--of course excepting these +hundred glorious Droll Tales--namely, that never could adventure of +this sort have happened to the impaired and ruined constitutions of +court rascals, rich people and others who dig their graves with their +teeth by over-eating and drinking many wines that impair the +implements of happiness; which said over-fed people were lolling +luxuriously in costly draperies and on feather beds, while the Sieur +de Bonne-Chose was roughing it. In a similar situation, if they had +eaten cabbage, it would have given them the diarrhoea. This may incite +many of those who read this story to change their mode of life, in +order to imitate Vieux par-Chemins in his old age. + + + +ODD SAYINGS OF THREE PILGRIMS + +When the pope left his good town of Avignon to take up his residence +in Rome, certain pilgrims were thrown out who had set out for this +country, and would have to pass the high Alps, in order to gain this +said town of Rome, where they were going to seek the /remittimus/ of +various sins. Then were to be seen on the roads, and the hostelries, +those who wore the order of Cain, otherwise the flower of the +penitents, all wicked fellows, burdened with leprous souls, which +thirsted to bathe in the papal piscina, and all carrying with them +gold or precious things to purchase absolution, pay for their beds, +and present to the saints. You may be sure that those who drank water +going, on their return, if the landlords gave them water, wished it to +be the holy water of the cellar. + +At this time the three pilgrims came to this said Avignon to their +injury, seeing that it was widowed of the pope. While they were +passing the Rhodane, to reach the Mediterranean coast, one of the +three pilgrims, who had with him a son about 10 years of age, parted +company with the others, and near the town of Milan suddenly appeared +again, but without the boy. Now in the evening, at supper, they had a +hearty feast in order to celebrate the return of the pilgrim, who they +thought had become disgusted with penitence through the pope not being +in Avignon. Of these three roamers to Rome, one had come from the city +of Paris, the other from Germany, and the third, who doubtless wished +to instruct his son on the journey, had his home in the duchy of +Burgundy, in which he had certain fiefs, and was a younger son of the +house of Villers-la-Faye (Villa in Fago), and was named La Vaugrenand. +The German baron had met the citizen of Paris just past Lyons, and +both had accosted the Sire de la Vaugrenand in sight of Avignon. + +Now in this hostelry the three pilgrims loosened their tongues, and +agreed to journey to Rome together, in order the better to resist the +foot pads, the night-birds, and other malefactors, who made it their +business to ease pilgrims of that which weighed upon their bodies +before the pope eased them of that which weighed upon their +consciences. After drinking the three companions commenced to talk +together, for the bottle is the key of conversation, and each made +this confession--that the cause of his pilgrimage was a woman. The +servant who watched their drinking, told them that of a hundred +pilgrims who stopped in the locality, ninety-nine were travelling from +the same thing. These three wise men then began to consider how +pernicious is woman to man. The Baron showed the heavy gold chain that +he had in his hauberk to present to Saint Peter, and said his crime +was such that he would not get rid of with the value of two such +chains. The Parisian took off his glove, and exposed a ring set with a +white diamond, saying that he had a hundred like it for the pope. The +Burgundian took off his hat, and exhibited two wonderful pearls, that +were beautiful ear-pendants for Notre-Dame-de-Lorette, and candidly +confessed that he would rather have left them round his wife's neck. + +Thereupon the servant exclaimed that their sins must have been as +great as those of Visconti. + +Then the pilgrims replied that they were such that they had made a +solemn vow in their minds never to go astray again during the +remainder of their days, however beautiful the woman might be, and +this in addition to the penance which the pope might impose upon them. + +Then the servant expressed her astonishment that all had made the same +vow. The Burgundian added, that this vow had been the cause of his +lagging behind, because he had been in extreme fear that his son, in +spite of his age, might go astray, and that he had made a vow to +prevent people and beasts alike gratifying their passions in his +house, or upon his estates. The baron having inquired the particulars +of the adventure, the sire narrated the affair as follows:-- + +"You know that the good Countess Jeane d'Avignon made formerly a law +for the harlots, who she compelled to live in the outskirts of the +town in houses with window-shutters painted red and closed. Now +passing in my company in this vile neighbourhood, my lad remarked +these houses with closed window-shutters, painted red, and his +curiosity being aroused--for these ten-year old little devils have +eyes for everything--he pulled me by the sleeve and kept on pulling +until he had learnt from me what these houses were. Then, to obtain +peace, I told him that young lads had nothing to do with such places, +and could only enter them at the peril of their lives, because it was +a place where men and women were manufactured, and the danger was such +for anyone unacquainted with the business that if a novice entered, +flying chancres and other wild beasts would seize upon his face. Fear +seized the lad, who then followed me to the hostelry in a state of +agitation, and not daring to cast his eyes upon the said bordels. +While I was in the stable, seeing to the putting up of the horses, my +son went off like a robber, and the servant was unable to tell me what +had become of him. Then I was in great fear of the wenches, but had +confidence in the laws, which forbade them to admit such children. At +supper-time the rascal came back to me looking no more ashamed of +himself than did our divine Saviour in the temple among the doctors. + +"'Whence comes you?' said I to him. + +"'From the houses with the red shutters,' he replied. + +"'Little blackguard,' said I, 'I'll give you a taste of the whip.' + +"Then he began to moan and cry. I told him that if he would confess +all that had happened to him I would let him off the beating. + +"'Ha,' said he, 'I took care not to go in, because of the flying +chancres and other wild beasts. I only looked through the chinks of +the windows, in order to see how men were manufactured.' + +"'And what did you see?' I asked. + +"'I saw,' said he, 'a fine woman just being finished, because she only +wanted one peg, which a young worker was fitting in with energy. +Directly she was finished she turned round, spoke to, and kissed her +manufacturer.' + +"'Have your supper,' said I; and the same night I returned into +Burgundy, and left him with his mother, being sorely afraid that at +the first town he might want to fit a peg into some girl." + +"These children often make these sort of answers," said the Parisian. +"One of my neighbour's children revealed the cuckoldom of his father +by a reply. One day I asked, to see if he was well instructed at +school in religious matters, 'What is hope?' 'One of the king's big +archers, who comes here when father goes out,' said he. Indeed, the +sergeant of the Archers was named Hope. My friend was dumbfounded at +this, and, although to keep his countenance he looked in the mirror, +he could not see his horns there." + +The baron observed that the boy's remark was good in this way: that +Hope is a person who comes to bed with us when the realities of life +are out of the way. + +"Is a cuckold made in the image of God?" asked the Burgundian. + +"No," said the Parisian, "because God was wise in this respect, that +he took no wife; therefore is He happy through all eternity." + +"But," said the maid-servant, "cuckolds are made in the image of God +before they are horned." + +Then the three pilgrims began to curse women, saying that they were +the cause of all the evils in the world. + +"Their heads are as empty as helmets," said the Burgundian. + +"Their hearts are as straight as bill-hooks," said the Parisian. + +"Why are there so many men pilgrims and so few women pilgrims?" said +the German baron. + +"Their cursed member never sins," replied the Parisian; "it knows +neither father nor mother, the commandments of God, nor those of the +Church, neither laws divine or human: their member knows no doctrine, +understands no heresies, and cannot be blamed; it is innocent of all, +and always on the laugh; its understanding is nil; and for this reason +do I hold it in utter detestation." + +"I also," said the Burgundian, "and I begin to understand the +different reading by a learned man of the verses of the Bible, in +which the account of the creation is given. In this Commentary, which +in my country we call a Noel, lies the reason of imperfection of this +feature of women, of which, different to that of other females, no man +can slake the thirst, such diabolical heat existing there. In this +Noel is stated that the Lord God, having turned his head to look at a +donkey, who had brayed for the first time in his Paradise, while he +was manufacturing Eve, the devil seized this moment to put his finger +into this divine creature, and made a warm wound, which the Lord took +care to close with a stitch, from which comes the maid. By means of +this frenum, the woman should remain closed, and children be made in +the same manner in which God made the angels, by a pleasure far above +carnal pleasure as the heaven is above the earth. Observing this +closing, the devil, wild at being done, pinched the Sieur Adam, who +was asleep, by the skin, and stretched a portion of it out in +imitation of his diabolical tail; but as the father of man was on his +back this appendage came out in front. Thus these two productions of +the devil had the desire to reunite themselves, following the law of +similarities which God had laid down for the conduct of the world. +From this came the first sin and the sorrows of the human race, +because God, noticing the devil's work, determined to see what would +come of it." + +The servant declared that they were quite correct in the statements, +for that woman was a bad animal, and that she herself knew some who +were better under the ground than on it. The pilgrims, noticing then +how pretty the girl was, were afraid of breaking their vows, and went +straight to bed. The girl went and told her mistress she was +harbouring infidels, and told her what they had said about women. + +"Ah!" said the landlady, "what matters it to me the thoughts my +customers have in their brains, so long as their purses are well +filled." + +And when the servant had told of the jewels, she exclaimed-- + +"Ah, these are questions which concern all women. Let us go and reason +with them. I'll take the nobles, you can have the citizen." + +The landlady, who was the most shameless inhabitant of the duchy of +Milan, went into the chamber where the Sire de La Vaugrenand and the +German baron were sleeping, and congratulated them upon their vows, +saying that the women would not lose much by them; but to accomplish +these said vows it was necessary they should endeavour to withstand +the strongest temptations. Then she offered to lie down beside them, +so anxious were she to see if she would be left unmolested, a thing +which had never happened to her yet in the company of a man. + +On the morrow, at breakfast, the servant had the ring on her finger, +her mistress had the gold chain and the pearl earrings. The three +pilgrims stayed in the town about a month, spending there all the +money they had in their purses, and agreed that if they had spoken so +severely of women it was because they had not known those of Milan. + +On his return to Germany the Baron made this observation: that he was +only guilty of one sin, that of being in his castle. The Citizen of +Paris came back full of stories for his wife, and found her full of +Hope. The Burgundian saw Madame de La Vaugrenand so troubled that he +nearly died of the consolations he administered to her, in spite of +his former opinions. This teaches us to hold our tongues in +hostelries. + + + +INNOCENCE + +By the double crest of my fowl, and by the rose lining of my +sweetheart's slipper! By all the horns of well-beloved cuckolds, and +by the virtue of their blessed wives! the finest work of man is +neither poetry, nor painted pictures, nor music, nor castles, nor +statues, be they carved never so well, nor rowing, nor sailing +galleys, but children. + +Understand me, children up to the age of ten years, for after that +they become men or women, and cutting their wisdom teeth, are not +worth what they cost; the worst are the best. Watch them playing, +prettily and innocently, with slippers; above all, cancellated ones, +with the household utensils, leaving that which displeases them, +crying after that which pleases them, munching the sweets and +confectionery in the house, nibbling at the stores, and always +laughing as soon as their teeth are cut, and you will agree with me +that they are in every way lovable; besides which they are flower and +fruit--the fruit of love, the flower of life. Before their minds have +been unsettled by the disturbances of life, there is nothing in this +world more blessed or more pleasant than their sayings, which are +naive beyond description. This is as true as the double chewing +machine of a cow. Do not expect a man to be innocent after the manner +of children, because there is an, I know not what, ingredient of +reason in the naivety of a man, while the naivety of children is +candid, immaculate, and has all the finesse of the mother, which is +plainly proved in this tale. + +Queen Catherine was at that time Dauphine, and to make herself welcome +to the king, her father-in-law, who at that time was very ill indeed, +presented him, from time to time, with Italian pictures, knowing that +he liked them much, being a friend of the Sieur Raphael d'Urbin and of +the Sieurs Primatice and Leonardo da Vinci, to whom he sent large sums +of money. She obtained from her family--who had the pick of these +works, because at that time the Duke of the Medicis governed Tuscany-- +a precious picture, painted by a Venetian named Titian (artist to the +Emperor Charles, and in very high flavour), in which there were +portraits of Adam and Eve at the moment when God left them to wander +about the terrestrial Paradise, and were painted their full height, in +the costume of the period, in which it is difficult to make a mistake, +because they were attired in their ignorance, and caparisoned with the +divine grace which enveloped them--a difficult thing to execute on +account of the colour, but one in which the said Sieur Titian +excelled. The picture was put into the room of the poor king, who was +then ill with the disease of which he eventually died. It had a great +success at the Court of France, where everyone wished to see it; but +no one was able to until after the king's death, since at his desire +it was allowed to remain in his room as long as he lived. + +One day Madame Catherine took with her to the king's room her son +Francis and little Margot, who began to talk at random, as children +will. Now here, now there, these children had heard this picture of +Adam and Eve spoken about, and had tormented their mother to take them +there. Since the two little ones at times amused the old king, Madame +the Dauphine consented to their request. + +"You wished to see Adam and Eve, who were our first parents; there +they are," said she. + +Then she left them in great astonishment before Titian's picture, and +seated herself by the bedside of the king, who delighted to watch the +children. + +"Which of the two is Adam?" said Francis, nudging his sister Margot's +elbow. + +"You silly!" replied she, "to know that, they would have to be +dressed!" + +This reply, which delighted the poor king and the mother, was +mentioned in a letter written in Florence by Queen Catherine. + +No writer having brought it to light, it will remain, like a sweet +flower, in a corner of these Tales, although it is no way droll, and +there is no other moral to be drawn from it except that to hear these +pretty speeches of infancy one must beget the children. + + + +THE FAIR IMPERIA MARRIED + +I +HOW MADAME IMPERIA WAS CAUGHT BY THE VERY NET SHE WAS +ACCUSTOMED TO SPREAD FOR HER LOVE-BIRDS + +The lovely lady Imperia, who gloriously opens these tales, because she +was the glory of her time, was compelled to come into the town of +Rome, after the holding of the council, for the cardinal of Ragusa +loved her more than his cardinal's hat, and wished to have her near +him. This rascal was so magnificent, that he presented her with the +beautiful palace that he had in the Papal capital. About this time she +had the misfortune to find herself in an interesting condition by this +cardinal. As everyone knows, this pregnancy finished with a fine +little daughter, concerning whom the Pope said jokingly that she +should be named Theodora, as if to say The Gift Of God. The girl was +thus named, and was exquisitely lovely. The cardinal left his +inheritance to this Theodora, whom the fair Imperia established in her +hotel, for she was flying from Rome as from a pernicious place, where +children were begotten, and where she had nearly spoiled her beautiful +figure, her celebrated perfections, lines of the body, curves of the +back, delicious breasts, and Serpentine charms which placed her as +much above the other women of Christendom as the Holy Father was above +all other Christians. But all her lovers knew that with the assistance +of eleven doctors of Padua, seven master surgeons of Pavia, and five +surgeons come from all parts, who assisted at her confinement, she was +preserved from all injury. Some go so far as to say that she gained +therein superfineness and whiteness of skin. A famous man, of the +school of Salerno, wrote a book on the subject, to show the value of a +confinement for the freshness, health, preservation, and beauty of +women. In this very learned book it was clearly proved to readers that +that which was beautiful to see in Imperia, was that which it was +permissible for lovers alone to behold; a rare case then, for she did +not disarrange her attire for the petty German princes whom she called +her margraves, burgraves, electors, and dukes, just as a captain ranks +his soldiers. + +Everyone knows that when she was eighteen years of age, the lovely +Theodora, to atone for her mother's gay life, wished to retire into +the bosom of the Church. With this idea she placed herself in the +hands of a cardinal, in order that he might instruct her in the duties +of the devout. This wicked shepherd found the lamb so magnificently +beautiful that he attempted to debauch her. Theodora instantly stabbed +herself with a stiletto, in order not to be contaminated by the evil- +minded priest. This adventure, which was consigned to the history of +the period, made a great commotion in Rome, and was deplored by +everyone, so much was the daughter of Imperia beloved. + +Then this noble courtesan, much afflicted, returned to Rome, there to +weep for her poor daughter. She set out in the thirty-ninth year of +her age, which was, according to some authors, the summer of her +magnificent beauty, because then she had obtained the acme of +perfection, like ripe fruit. Sorrow made her haughty and hard with +those who spoke to her of love, in order to dry her tears. The pope +himself visited her in her palace, and gave her certain words of +admonition. But she refused to be comforted, saying that she would +henceforth devote herself to God, because she had never yet been +satisfied by any man, although she had ardently desired it; and all of +them, even a little priest, whom she had adored like a saint's shrine, +had deceived her. God, she was sure, would not do so. + +This resolution disconcerted many, for she was the joy of a vast +number of lords. So that people ran about the streets of Rome crying +out, "Where is Madame Imperia? Is she going to deprive the world of +love?" Some of the ambassadors wrote to their masters on the subject. +The Emperor of the Romans was much cut up about it, because he had +loved her to distraction for eleven weeks; had left her only to go to +the wars, and loved her still as much as his most precious member, +which according to his own statement, was his eye, for that alone +embraced the whole of his dear Imperia. In this extremity the Pope +sent for a Spanish physician, and conducted him to the beautiful +creature, to whom he proved, by various arguments, adorned with Latin +and Greek quotations, that beauty is impaired by tears and +tribulation, and that through sorrow's door wrinkles step in. This +proposition, confirmed by the doctors of the Holy College in +controversy, had the effect of opening the doors of the palace that +same evening. The young cardinals, the foreign envoys, the wealthy +inhabitants, and the principal men of the town of Rome came, crowded +the rooms, and held a joyous festival; the common people made grand +illuminations, and thus the whole population celebrated the return of +the Queen of Pleasure to her occupation, for she was at that time the +presiding deity of Love. The experts in all the arts loved her much, +because she spent considerable sums of money improving the Church in +Rome, which contained poor Theodora's tomb, which was destroyed during +that pillage of Rome in which perished the traitorous constable of +Bourbon, for this holy maiden was placed therein in a massive coffin +of gold and silver, which the cursed soldiers were anxious to obtain. +The basilic cost, it is said, more than the pyramid erected by the +Lady Rhodepa, an Egyptian courtesan, eighteen hundred years before the +coming of our divine Saviour, which proves the antiquity of this +pleasant occupation, the extravagant prices which the wise Egyptians +paid for their pleasures, and how things deteriorate, seeing that now +for a trifle you can have a chemise full of female loveliness in the +Rue du Petit-Heulen, at Paris. Is it not abomination? + +Never had Madame Imperia appeared so lovely as at this first gala +after her mourning. All the princes, cardinals, and others declared +that she was worthy the homage of the whole world, which was there +represented by a noble from every known land, and thus was it amply +demonstrated that beauty was in every place queen of everything. + +The envoy of the King of France, who was a cadet of the house of l'Ile +Adam, arrived late, although he had never yet seen Imperia, and was +most anxious to do so. He was a handsome young knight, much in favour +with his sovereign, in whose court he had a mistress, whom he loved +with infinite tenderness, and who was the daughter of Monsieur de +Montmorency, a lord whose domains bordered upon those of the house of +l'Ile Adam. To this penniless cadet the king had given certain +missions to the duchy of Milan, of which he had acquitted himself so +well that he was sent to Rome to advance the negotiations concerning +which historians have written so much in their books. Now if he had +nothing of his own, poor little l'Ile Adam relied upon so good a +beginning. He was slightly built, but upright as a column, dark, with +black, glistening eyes; and a man not easily taken in; but concealing +his finesse, he had the air of an innocent child, which made him +gentle and amiable as a laughing maiden. Directly this gentleman +joined her circle, and her eyes had rested upon him, Madame Imperia +felt herself bitten by a strong desire, which stretched the harp +strings of her nature, and produced therefrom a sound she had not +heard for many a day. She was seized with such a vertigo of true love +at the sight of this freshness of youth, that but for her imperial +dignity she would have kissed the good cheeks which shone like little +apples. + +Now take note of this; that so called modest women, and ladies whose +skirts bear their armorial bearings, are thoroughly ignorant of the +nature of man, because they keep to one alone, like the Queen of +France who believed all men had ulcers in the nose because the king +had; but a great courtesan, like Madame Imperia, knew man to his core, +because she had handled a great many. In her retreat, everyone came +out in his true colours, and concealed nothing, thinking to himself +that he would not be long with her. Having often deplored this +subjection, sometimes she would remark that she suffered from pleasure +more than she suffered from pain. There was the dark shadow of her +life. You may be sure that a lover was often compelled to part with a +nice little heap of crowns in order to pass the night with her, and +was reduced to desperation by a refusal. Now for her it was a joyful +thing to feel a youthful desire, like that she had for the little +priest, whose story commences this collection; but because she was +older than in those merry days, love was more fully established in +her, and she soon perceived that it was of a fiery nature when it +began to make itself felt; indeed, she suffered in her skin like a cat +that is being scorched, and so much so that she had an intense longing +to spring upon this gentleman, and bear him in triumph to her nest, as +a kite does its prey, but with great difficulty she restrained +herself. When he came and bowed to her, she threw back her head, and +assumed a most dignified attitude, as do those who have a love +infatuation in their hearts. The gravity of her demeanour to the young +ambassador caused many to think that she had work in store for him; +equivocating on the word, after the custom of the time. + +L'Ile Adam, knowing himself to be dearly loved by his mistress, +troubled himself but little about Madame Imperia, grave or gay, and +frisked about like a goat let loose. The courtesan, terribly annoyed +at this, changed her tone, from being sulky became gay and lively, +came to him, softened her voice, sharpened her glance, gracefully +inclined her head, rubbed against him with her sleeve, and called him +Monsiegneur, embraced him with the loving words, trifled with his +hand, and finished by smiling at him most affably. He, not imagining +that so unprofitable a lover would suit her, for he was as poor as a +church mouse, and did not know that his beauty was the equal in her +eyes to all the treasures of the world, was not taken in her trap, but +continued to ride the high horse with his hand on his hips. This +disdain of her passion irritated Madame to the heart, which by this +spark was set in flame. If you doubt this, it is because you know +nothing of the profession of the Madame Imperia, who by reason of it +might be compared to a chimney, in which a great number of fires have +been lighted, which had filled it with soot; in this state a match was +sufficient to burn everything there, where a hundred fagots has smoked +comfortably. She burned within from top to toe in a horrible manner, +and could not be extinguished save with the water of love. The cadet +of l'Ile Adam left the room without noticing this ardour. + +Madame, disconsolate at his departure, lost her senses from her head +to her feet, and so thoroughly that she sent a messenger to him on the +galleries, begging him to pass the night with her. On no other +occasion of her life had she had this cowardice, either for king, +pope, or emperor, since the high price of her favours came from the +bondage in which she held her admirers, whom the more she humbled the +more she raised herself. The disdainful hero of this history was +informed by the head chamber-women, who was a clever jade, that in all +probability a great treat awaited him, for most certainly Madame would +regale him with her most delicate inventions of love. L'Ile Adam +returned to the salons, delighted at this lucky chance. Directly the +envoy of France reappeared, as everyone had seen Imperia turn pale at +his departure, the general joy knew no bounds, because everyone was +delighted to see her return to her old life of love. An English +cardinal, who had drained more than one big-bellied flagon, and wished +to taste Imperia, went to l'Ile Adam and whispered to him, "Hold her +fast, so that she shall never again escape us." + +The story of this remark was told to the pope at his levee, and caused +him to remark, /Laetamini, gentes, quoniam surrexit Dominus/. A +quotation which the old cardinals abominated as a profanation of +sacred texts. Seeing which, the pope reprimanded them severely, and +took occasion to lecture them, telling them that if they were good +Christians they were bad politicians. Indeed, he relied upon the fair +Imperia to reclaim the emperor, and with this idea he syringed her +well with flattery. + +The lights of the palace being extinguished, the golden flagons on the +floor, and the servants drunk and stretched about on the carpets, +Madame entered her bedchamber, leading by the hand her dear lover- +elect; and she was well pleased, and has since confessed that so +strongly was she bitten with love, she could hardly restrain herself +from rolling at his feet like a beast of the field, begging him to +crush her beneath him if he could. L'Ile Adam slipped off his +garments, and tumbled into bed as if he were in his own house. Seeing +which, Madame hastened her preparations, and sprang into her lover's +arms with a frenzy that astonished her women, who knew her to be +ordinarily one of the most modest of women on these occasions. The +astonishment became general throughout the country, for the pair +remained in bed for nine days, eating, drinking, and embracing in a +marvellous and most masterly manner. Madame told her women that at +last she had placed her hand on a phoenix of love, since he revived +from every attack. Nothing was talked of in Rome and Italy but the +victory that had been gained over Imperia, who had boasted that she +would yield to no man, and spat upon all of them, even the dukes. As +to the aforesaid margraves and burgraves, she gave them the tail of +her dress to hold, and said that if she did not tread them under foot, +they would trample upon her. Madame confessed to her servants that, +differently to all other men she had had to put up with, the more she +fondled this child of love, the more she desired to do so, and that +she would never be able to part with him; nor his splendid eyes, which +blinded her; nor his branch of coral, that she always hungered after. +She further declared that if such were his desire, she would let him +suck her blood, eat her breasts--which were the most lovely in the +world--and cut her tresses, of which she had only given a single one +to the Emperor of the Romans, who kept it in his breast, like a +precious relic; finally, she confessed that on that night only had +life begun for her, because the embrace of Villiers de l'Ile Adam sent +the blood to her in three bounds and in a brace of shakes. + +These expressions becoming known, made everyone very miserable. +Directly she went out, Imperia told the ladies of Rome that she should +die it if she were deserted by this gentleman, and would cause +herself, like Queen Cleopatra, to be bitten by an asp. She declared +openly that she had bidden an eternal adieu her to her former gay +life, and would show the whole world what virtue was by abandoning her +empire for this Villiers de l'Ile Adam, whose servant she would rather +be than reign of Christendom. The English cardinal remonstrated with +the pope that this love for one, in the heart of a woman who was the +joy of all, was an infamous depravity, and that he ought with a brief +/in partibus/, to annul this marriage, which robbed the fashionable +world of its principal attraction. But the love of this poor woman, +who had confessed the miseries of her life, was so sweet a thing, and +so moved the most dissipated heart, that she silenced all clamour, and +everyone forgave her her happiness. One day, during Lent, Imperia made +her people fast, and ordered them to go and confess, and return to +God. She herself went and fell at the pope's feet, and there showed +such penitence, that she obtained from him remission of all her sins, +believing that the absolution of the pope would communicate to her +soul that virginity which she was grieved at being unable to offer her +lover. It is impossible to help thinking that there was some virtue in +the ecclesiastical piscina, for the poor cadet was so smothered with +love that he fancied himself in Paradise, and left the negotiations of +the King of France, left his love for Mademoiselle de Montmorency--in +fact, left everything to marry Madame Imperia, in order that he might +live and die with her. Such was the effect of the learned ways of this +great lady of pleasure directly she turned her science to the root of +a virtuous love. Imperia bade adieu to her admirers at a royal feast, +given in honour of her wedding, which was a wonderful ceremony, at +which all the Italian princes were present. She had, it is said, a +million gold crowns; in spite of the vastness of this sum, every one +far from blaming L'Ile Adam, paid him many compliments, because it was +evident that neither Madame Imperia nor her young husband thought of +anything but one. The pope blessed their marriage, and said that it +was a fine thing to see the foolish virgin returning to God by the +road of marriage. + +But during that last night in which it would be permissible for all to +behold the Queen of Beauty, who was about to become a simple +chatelaine of the kingdom of France, there were a great number of men +who mourned for the merry nights, the suppers, the masked balls, the +joyous games, and the melting hours, when each one emptied his heart +to her. Everyone regretted the ease and freedom which had always been +found in the residence of this lovely creature, who now appeared more +tempting than she had ever done in her life, for the fervid heat of +her great love made her glisten like a summer sun. Much did they +lament the fact that she had had the sad fantasy to become a +respectable woman. To these Madame de l'Ile Adam answered jestingly, +that after twenty-four years passed in the service of the public, she +had a right to retire. Others said to her, that however distant the +sun was, people could warm themselves in it, while she would show +herself no more. To these she replied that she would still have smiles +to bestow upon those lords who would come and see how she played the +role of a virtuous woman. To this the English envoy answered, he +believed her capable of pushing virtue to its extreme point. She gave +a present to each of her friends, and large sums to the poor and +suffering of Rome; besides this, she left to the convent where her +daughter was to have been, and to the church she had built, the wealth +she had inherited from Theodora, which came from the cardinal of +Ragusa. + +When the two spouses set out they were accompanied a long way by +knights in mourning, and even by the common people, who wished them +every happiness, because Madame Imperia had been hard on the rich +only, and had always been kind and gentle with the poor. This lovely +queen of love was hailed with acclamations throughout the journey in +all the towns of Italy where the report of her conversion had spread, +and where everyone was curious to see pass, a case so rare as two such +spouses. Several princes received this handsome couple at their +courts, saying it was but right to show honour to this woman who had +the courage to renounce her empire over the world of fashion, to +become a virtuous woman. But there was an evil-minded fellow, one my +lord Duke of Ferrara, who said to l'Ile Adam that his great fortune +had not cost him much. At this first offence Madame Imperia showed +what a good heart she had, for she gave up all the money she had +received from her lovers, to ornament the dome of St. Maria del Fiore, +in the town of Florence, which turned the laugh against the Sire +d'Este, who boasted that he had built a church in spite of the empty +condition of his purse. You may be sure he was reprimanded for this +joke by his brother the cardinal. + +The fair Imperia only kept her own wealth and that which the Emperor +had bestowed upon her out of pure friendship since his departure, the +amount of which was however, considerable. The cadet of l'Ile Adam had +a duel with the duke, in which he wounded him. Thus neither Madame de +l'Ile Adam, nor her husband could be in any way reproached. This piece +of chivalry caused her to be gloriously received in all places she +passed through, especially in Piedmont, where the fetes were splendid. +Verses which the poet then composed, such as sonnets, epithalamias, +and odes, have been given in certain collections; but all poetry was +weak in comparison with her, who was, according to an expression of +Monsieur Boccaccio, poetry herself. + +The prize in this tourney of fetes and gallantry must be awarded to +the good Emperor of the Romans, who, knowing of the misbehaviour of +the Duke of Ferrara, dispatched an envoy to his old flame, charged +with Latin manuscripts, in which he told her that he loved her so much +for herself, that he was delighted to know that she was happy, but +grieved to know that all her happiness was not derived from him; that +he had lost his right to make her presents, but that, if the king of +France received her coldly, he would think it an honour to acquire a +Villiers to the holy empire, and would give him such principalities as +he might choose from his domains. The fair Imperia replied that she +was extremely obliged to the Emperor, but that had she to suffer +contumely upon contumely in France, she still intended there to finish +her days. + + +II +HOW THIS MARRIAGE ENDED + +Not knowing if it she would be received or not, the lady of l'Ile Adam +would not go to court, but lived in the country, where her husband +made a fine establishment, purchasing the manor of Beaumont-le- +Vicomte, which gave rise to the equivoque upon his name, made by our +well-beloved Rabelais, in his most magnificent book. He acquired also +the domain of Nointel, the forest of Carenelle, St. Martin, and other +places in the neighbourhood of the l'Ile Adam, where his brother +Villiers resided. These said acquisitions made him the most powerful +lord in the l'Ile de France and county of Paris. He built a wonderful +castle near Beaumont, which was afterwards ruined by the English, and +adorned it with the furniture, foreign tapestries, chests, pictures, +statues, and curiosities, of his wife, who was a great connoisseur, +which made this place equal to the most magnificent castles known. + +The happy pair led a life so envied by all, that nothing was talked +about in Paris and at Court but this marriage, the good fortune of the +Sire de Beaumont, and, above all, of the perfect, loyal, gracious, and +religious life of his wife, who from habit many still called Madame +Imperia; who was no longer proud and sharp as steel, but had the +virtues and qualities of a respectable woman, and was an example in +many things to a queen. She was much beloved by the Church on account +of her great religion, for she had never once forgotten God, having, +as she once said, spent much of her time with churchmen, abbots, +bishops, and cardinals, who had sprinkled her well with holy water, +and under the curtains worked her eternal salvation. + +The praises sung in honour of this lady had such an effect, that the +king came to Beauvoisis to gaze upon this wonder, and did the sire the +honour to sleep at Beaumont, remained there three days, and had a +royal hunt there with the queen and the whole Court. You may be sure +that he was surprised, as were also the queen, the ladies, and the +Court, at the manners of this superb creature, who was proclaimed a +lady of courtesy and beauty. The king first, then the queen, and +afterwards every individual member of the company, complemented l'Ile +Adam on having chosen such a wife. The modesty of the chatelaine did +more than pride would have accomplished; for she was invited to court, +and everywhere, so imperious was her great heart, so tyrannic her +violent love for her husband. You may be sure that her charms, hidden +under the garments of virtue, were none the less exquisite. The king +gave the vacant post of lieutenant of the Ile de France and provost of +Paris to his ancient ambassador, giving him the title of Viscount of +Beaumont, which established him as governor of the whole province, and +put him on an excellent footing at court. But this was the cause of a +great wound in Madame's heart, because a wretch, jealous of this +unclouded happiness, asked her, playfully, if Beaumont had ever spoken +to her of his first love, Mademoiselle de Montmorency, who at that +time was twenty-two years of age, as she was sixteen at the time the +marriage took place in Rome--the which young lady loved l'Ile Adam so +much that she remained a maiden, would listen to no proposals of +marriage, and was dying of a broken heart, unable to banish her +perfidious lover from her remembrance and was desirous of entering the +convent of Chelles. Madame Imperia, during the six years of her +marriage, had never heard this name, and was sure from this fact that +she was indeed beloved. You can imagine that this time had been passed +as a single day, that both believed that they had only been married +the evening before, and that each night was as a wedding night, and +that if business took the knight out of doors, he was quite +melancholy, being unwilling ever to have her out of his sight, and she +was the same with him. + +The king, who was very partial to the viscount, also made a remark to +him which stung him to the quick, when he said, "You have no +children?" + +To which Beaumont replied, with the face of a man whose raw place you +have touched with your finger, "Monsiegneur, my brother has; thus our +line is safe." + +Now it happened that his brother's two children died suddenly--one +from a fall from his horse at a tournament and the other from illness. +Monsieur l'Ile Adam the elder was so stricken with grief at these two +deaths that he expired soon after, so much did he love his two sons. +By this means the manor of Beaumont, the property at Carenelle, St. +Martin, Nointel, and the surrounding domains, were reunited to the +manor of l'Ile Adam, and the neighbouring forests, and the cadet +became the head of the house. At this time Madame was forty-five, and +was still fit to bear children; but alas! she conceived not. As soon +as she saw the lineage of l'Ile Adam destroyed, she was anxious to +obtain offspring. + +Now, as during the seven years which had elapsed she had never once +had the slightest hint of pregnancy, she believed, according to the +statement of a clever physician whom she sent for from Paris, that +this barrenness proceeded from the fact, that both she and her +husband, always more lovers than spouses, allowed pleasure to +interfere with business, and by this means engendering was prevented. +Then she endeavoured to restrain her impetuosity, and to take things +coolly, because the physician had explained to her that in a state of +nature animals never failed to breed, because the females employed +none of those artifices, tricks, and hanky-pankies with which women +accommodate the olives of Poissy, and for this reason they thoroughly +deserved the title of beasts. She promised him no longer to play with +such a serious affair, and to forget all the ingenious devices in +which she had been so fertile. But, alas! although she kept as quiet +as that German woman who lay so still that her husband embraced her to +death, and then went, poor baron, to obtain absolution from the pope, +who delivered his celebrated brief, in which he requested the ladies +of Franconia to be a little more lively, and prevent a repetition of +such a crime. Madame de l'Ile Adam did not conceive, and fell into a +state of great melancholy. + +Then she began to notice how thoughtful had become her husband, l'Ile +Adam, whom she watched when he thought she was not looking, and who +wept that he had no fruit of his great love. Soon this pair mingled +their tears, for everything was common to the two in this fine +household, and as they never left the other, the thought of the one +was necessarily the thought of the other. When Madame beheld a poor +person's child she nearly died of grief, and it took her a whole day +to recover. Seeing this great sorrow, l'Ile Adam ordered all children +to be kept out of his wife's sight, and said soothing things to her, +such as that children often turned out badly; to which she replied, +that a child made by those who loved so passionately would be the +finest child in the world. He told her that her sons might perish, +like those of his poor brother; to which she replied, that she would +not let them stir further from her petticoats than a hen allows her +chickens. In fact, she had an answer for everything. + +Madame caused a woman to be sent for who dealt in magic, and who was +supposed to be learned in these mysteries, who told her that she had +often seen women unable to conceive in spite of every effort, but yet +they had succeeded by studying the manners and customs of animals. +Madame took the beasts of the fields for her preceptors, but she did +not increase in size; her flesh still remained firm and white as +marble. She returned to the physical science of the master doctors of +Paris, and sent for a celebrated Arabian physician, who had just +arrived in France with a new science. Then this savant, brought up in +the school of one Sieur Averroes, entered into certain medical +details, and declared that the loose life she had formerly led had for +ever ruined her chance of obtaining offspring. The physical reasons +which he assigned were so contrary to the teaching of the holy books +which establish the majesty of man, made in the image of his creator, +and so contrary to the system upheld by sound sense and good doctrine, +that the doctors of Paris laughed them to scorn. The Arabian physician +left the school where his master, the Sieur Averroes, was unknown. + +The doctors told Madame, who had come to Paris, that she was to keep +on as usual, since she had had during her gay life the lovely +Theodora, by the cardinal of Ragusa, and that the right of having +children remained with women as long as their blood circulated, and +all that she had to do was to multiply the chances of conception. This +advice appeared to her so good that she multiplied her victories, but +it was only multiplying her defeats, since she obtained the flowers of +love without its fruits. + +The poor afflicted woman wrote then to the pope, who loved her much, +and told him of her sorrows. The good pope replied to her with a +gracious homily, written with his own hand, in which he told her that +when human science and things terrestrial had failed, we should turn +to Heaven and implore the grace of God. Then she determined to go with +naked feet, accompanied by her husband, to Notre Dame de Liesse, +celebrated for her intervention in similar cases, and made a vow to +build a magnificent cathedral in gratitude for the child. But she +bruised and injured her pretty feet, and conceived nothing but a +violent grief, which was so great that some of her lovely tresses fell +off and some turned white. + +At last the faculty of making children was taken from her, which +brought on the vapours consequent upon hypochondria, and caused her +skin to turn yellow. She was then forty-nine years of age, and lived +in her castle of l'Ile Adam, where she grew as thin as a leper in a +lazar-house. The poor creature was all the more wretched because l'Ile +Adam was still amorous, and as good as gold to her, who failed in her +duty, because she had formerly been too free with the men, and was +now, according to her own disdainful remark, only a cauldron to cook +chitterlings. + +"Ha!" said she, one evening when these thoughts were tormenting her. +"In spite of the Church, in spite of the king, in spite of everything, +Madame de l'Ile Adam is still the wicked Imperia!" + +She fell into a violent passion when she saw this handsome gentleman +have everything a man can desire, great wealth, royal favour, +unequalled love, matchless wife, pleasure such as none other could +produce, and yet fail in that which is dearest to the head of the +house--namely, lineage. With this idea in her head, she wished to die, +thinking how good and noble he had been to her, and how much she +failed in her duty in not giving him children, and in being +henceforward unable to do so. She hid her sorrow in the secret +recesses of her heart, and conceived a devotion worthy her great love. +To put into practice this heroic design she became still more amorous, +took extreme care of her charms, and made use of learned precepts to +maintain her bodily perfection, which threw out an incredible lustre. + +About this time the Sieur de Montmorency conquered the repulsion his +daughter entertained for marriage, and her alliance with one Sieur de +Chatillon was much talked about. Madame Imperia, who lived only three +leagues distant from Montmorency, one day sent her husband out hunting +in the forests, and set out towards the castle where the young lady +lived. Arrived in the grounds she walked about there, telling a +servant to inform her mistress that a lady had a most important +communication to make to her, and that she had come to request an +audience. Much interested by the account which she received by the +beauty, courtesy, and manners of the unknown lady, Mademoiselle de +Montmorency went in great haste into the gardens, and there met her +rival, whom she did not know. + +"My dear," said the poor woman, weeping to find the young maiden as +beautiful as herself, "I know that they are trying to force you into a +marriage with Monsieur de Chatillon, although you still love Monsieur +de l'Ile Adam. Have confidence in the prophecy that I here make you, +that he whom you have loved, and who only was false to you through a +snare into which an angel might have fallen, will be free from the +burden of his old wife before the leaves fall. Thus the constancy of +your love will have its crown of flowers. Now have the courage to +refuse this marriage they are arranging for you, and you may yet clasp +your first and only love. Pledge me your word to love and cherish +l'Ile Adam, who is the kindest of men; never to cause him a moment's +anguish, and tell him to reveal to you all the secrets of love +invented by Madame Imperia, because, in practicing them, being young, +you will be easily able to obliterate the remembrance of her from his +mind." + +Mademoiselle de Montmorency was so astonished that she could make no +answer, and let this queen of beauty depart, and believed her to be a +fairy, until a workman told her that the fairy was Madame de l'Ile +Adam. Although the adventure was inexplicable, she told her father +that she would not give her consent to the proposed marriage until +after the autumn, so much is it in the nature of Love to ally itself +with Hope, in spite of the bitter pills which this deceitful and +gracious, companion gives her to swallow like bull's eyes. During the +months when the grapes are gathered, Imperia would not let l'Ile Adam +leave her, and was so amorous that one would have imagined she wished +to kill him, since l'Ile Adam felt as though he had a fresh bride in +his arms every night. The next morning the good woman requested him to +keep the remembrance of these joys in his heart. + +Then, to know what her lover's real thoughts on the subject were she +said to him, "Poor l'Ile Adam, we were very silly to marry--a lad like +you, with your twenty-three years, and an old woman close to 40." + +He answered her, that his happiness was such that he was the envy of +every one, that at her age her equal did not exist among the younger +women, and that if ever she grew old he would love her wrinkles, +believing that even in the tomb she would be lovely, and her skeleton +lovable. + +To these answers, which brought the tears into her eyes, she one +morning answered maliciously, that Mademoiselle de Montmorency was +very lovely and very faithful. This speech forced l'Ile Adam to tell +her that she pained him by telling him of the only wrong he had ever +committed in his life--the breaking of the troth pledged to his first +sweetheart, all love for whom he had since effaced from his heart. +This candid speech made her seize him and clasp him to her heart, +affected at the loyalty of his discourse on a subject from which many +would have shrunk. + +"My dear love," said she, "for a long time past I have been suffering +from a retraction of the heart, which has always since my youth been +dangerous to my life, and in this opinion the Arabian physician +coincides. If I die, I wish you to make the most binding oath a knight +can make, to wed Mademoiselle Montmorency. I am so certain of dying, +that I leave my property to you only on condition that this marriage +takes place." + +Hearing this, l'Ile Adam turned pale, and felt faint at the mere +thought of an eternal separation from his good wife. + +"Yes, dear treasure of love," continued she. "I am punished by God +there where my sins were committed, for the great joys that I feel +dilate my heart, and have, according to the Arabian doctor, weakened +the vessels which in a moment of excitement will burst; but I have +always implored God to take my life at the age in which I now am, +because I would not see my charms marred by the ravages of time." + +This great and noble woman saw then how well she was beloved. This is +how she obtained the greatest sacrifice of love that ever was made +upon this earth. She alone knew what a charm existed in the embraces, +fondlings, and raptures of the conjugal bed, which were such that poor +l'Ile Adam would rather have died than allow himself to be deprived of +the amorous delicacies she knew so well how to prepare. At this +confession made by her that, in the excitement of love her heart would +burst, the chevalier cast himself at her knees, and declared that to +preserve her life he would never ask her for love, but would live +contented to see her only at his side, happy at being able to touch +but the hem of her garment. + +She replied, bursting into tears, "that she would rather die than lose +one iota of his love; that she would die as she had lived, since +luckily she could make a man embrace her when such was her desire +without having to put her request into words." + +Here it must be stated that the cardinal of Ragusa had given her as a +present an article, which this holy joker called /in articulo mortis/. +It was a tiny glass bottle, no bigger than a bean, made at Venice, and +containing a poison so subtle that by breaking it between the teeth +death came instantly and painlessly. He had received it from Signora +Tophana, the celebrated maker of poisons of the town of Rome. + +Now this tiny bottle was under the bezel of a ring, preserved from all +objects that could break it by certain plates of gold. Poor Imperia +put it into her mouth several times without being able to make up her +mind to bite it, so much pleasure did she take in the moment that she +believed to be her last. Then she would pass before her in mental +review all her methods of enjoyment before breaking the glass, and +determined that when she felt the most perfect of all joys she would +bite the bottle. + +The poor creature departed this life on the night on the first day of +October. Then was there heard a great clamour in the forests and in +the clouds, as if the loves had cried aloud, "The great Noc is dead!" +in imitation of the pagan gods who, at the coming of the Saviour of +men, fled into the skies, saying, "the great Pan is slain!" A cry +which was heard by some persons navigating the Eubean Sea, and +preserved by a Father of the Church. + +Madame Imperia died without being spoiled in shape, so much had God +made her the irreproachable model of a woman. She had, it was said, a +magnificent tint upon her flesh, caused by the proximity of the +flaming wings of Pleasure, who cried and groaned over her corpse. Her +husband mourned for her most bitterly, never suspecting that she had +died to deliver him from a childless wife, for the doctor who embalmed +her said not a word concerning the cause of her death. This great +sacrifice was discovered six years after marriage of l'Ile Adam with +Mademoiselle de Montmorency, because she told him all about the visit +of Madame Imperia. The poor gentleman immediately fell into a state of +great melancholy and finished by dying, being unable to banish the +remembrance of those joys of love which it was beyond the power of a +novice to restore to him; thereby did he prove the truth of that which +was said at that time, that this woman would never die in a heart +where she had once reigned. + +This teaches us that virtue is well understood by those who have +practised vice; for among the most modest women few would thus have +sacrificed life, in whatever high state of religion you look for them. + + + +EPILOGUE + +Oh! mad little one, thou whose business it is to make the house merry, +again hast thou been wallowing, in spite of a thousand prohibitions, +in that slough of melancholy, whence thou hast already fished out +Bertha, and come back with thy tresses dishevelled, like a girl who +has been ill-treated by a regiment of soldiers! Where are thy golden +aiglets and bells, thy filigree flowers of fantastic design? Where +hast thou left thy crimson head-dress, ornamented with precious +gewgaws that cost a minot of pearls? + +Why spoil with pernicious tears thy black eyes, so pleasant when +therein sparkles the wit of a tale, that popes pardon thee thy sayings +for the sake of thy merry laughter, feel their souls caught between +the ivory of thy teeth, have their hearts drawn by the rose point of +thy sweet tongue, and would barter the holy slipper for a hundred of +the smiles that hover round thy vermillion lips? Laughing lassie, if +thou wouldst remain always fresh and young, weep no more; think of +riding the brideless fleas, of bridling with the golden clouds thy +chameleon chimeras, of metamorphosing the realities of life into +figures clothed with the rainbow, caparisoned with roseate dreams, and +mantled with wings blue as the eyes of the partridge. By the Body and +the Blood, by the Censer and the Seal, by the Book and the Sword, by +the Rag and the Gold, by the Sound and the Colour, if thou does but +return once into that hovel of elegies where eunuchs find ugly women +for imbecile sultans, I'll curse thee; I'll rave at thee; I'll make +thee fast from roguery and love; I'll-- + +Phist! Here she is astride a sunbeam with a volume that is ready to +burst with merry meteors! She plays in their prisms, tearing about so +madly, so wildly, so boldly, so contrary to good sense, so contrary to +good manners, so contrary to everything, that one has to touch her +with long feathers, to follow her siren's tail in the golden facets +which trifle among the artifices of these new pearls of laughter. Ye +gods! but she is sporting herself in them like a hundred schoolboys in +a hedge full of blackberries, after vespers. To the devil with the +magister! The volume is finished! Out upon work! What ho! my jovial +friends; this way! + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Droll Stories [V. 3], by de Balzac + diff --git a/old/3drll10.zip b/old/3drll10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0dce512 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/3drll10.zip |